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SaturdayNightLive | plagiarism_snl | Well, I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know you had a big term paper due last Friday, so hopefully you rewarded yourselves with a little rest and relaxation. Unfortunately, I, uh. I'm afraid some of you may have relaxed too much and didn't actually write your own papers. in fact, I believe a certain few of you took almost everything right off the internet.
Damn! you have something to say, Danny? No. all right. Karen, let's start with you. uh, you wrote your paper on War and Peace. So is there law against that? No, there's not, Karen.
But this is the exact same paper, word for word, that you can buy for $15 on Termpaper.com. it even has the same title and footnotes. maybe they copied my paper. I don't think they did. they might have. they didn't. F. Busted! Kirsty. yeah? a very nicely written paper on a tale of two Cities. Thank you. Uh, but I think you may have taken it from a website called Dickenscholar.com. Do you know why I think that? because you like to be wrong? No, but an interesting guess. I think that because the upper left-hand corner of each page says Dickenscholar.com. God, I knew my plan was too perfect. your plan wasn't too perfect, Kirsty. it was wildly imperfect. you also have an F. hey, man. I know where you're going next. I didn't get my paper off the internet. all those words are mine. well, technically, Danny, you're somewhat right.
Um, your paper on the Great Gatsby begins with what seems to be an e-mail that you wrote to your older brother. it reads, hey, bro, you remember Mr. Butthole's class? I have my final paper due, and I was wondering if you have an old copy of yours anywhere. if you do, I'd like to put my name on the top of it and turn it in as my own. how's college? talk to you later, skater. Danny. shouldn't read other people's e-mails, dude. you shouldn't submit them to teachers. you also get an F. Oh, damn, where did I go wrong? I think it's pretty clear where you went wrong. But for future reference, you might want to copy the content of the paper into a word document, rather than printing it straight off the Hotmail web page. That makes it pretty clear that it was an e-mail.
You. you are good, dude. not really. Oh, Peter, I don't really know what to say to you. then, uh, don't say anything, man. Well, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Yeah, you were supposed to write a paper on the Book 1984. that's what I did. No, you didn't. yeah, man, I did. you most certainly didn't. then, uh, what's that in your hand? it's a seven-page paper that seems to have been printed directly off Espn.com. um, the Book 1984 is never mentioned.
Oh, there are also some pictures of Mike Piazza, which I doubt you took. yeah, well, I did take them. Oh. well, then your name must be Phil Steins, and you must work for the Associated Press, because that's who the photos are credited to. that's right. So your name is both Peter Reed and Phil Steins?
Yup. Oh, nice! And you work for the Ap. that's the deal, man. Well, how about I call the Ap and verify that you work there? suit yourself. Ah, nice. Oh, hey, what's your work number, Phil Steins? 555-0179.
What can I do for you, Mr. Steins? can I go to the bathroom? No, you can't.
Associated Press. Hello. I was hoping you could help me out. I'll try. Um, do you have a photographer named Phil Steins, who is also a high school student who calls himself Peter Reed? Yes, indeed. Well, thank you. you've been very helpful. Um, there's a certain young man I owe an apology to. Well, you better go do that. Oh, one last thing. What is the Associated Press? an association of magazines and newspapers? Or maybe a kind of machine, Like perhaps a camera. Hmm, okay, thanks. that's what I thought. goodbye. awesome. this is nice.
Hey, uh, so what's my grade? you're also getting an F for cheating. What? What? how did you do that? are you psychic? One last tip, okay? don't high-five each other every time you think you pull one over on me. it doesn't help your cause. Damn! Also, anyone who copied a user review off of Amazon will be getting an F. Aw, man. |
TheOnion | NASA_Tests_Effects_Of_Space_On_Fat_Astronaut | We didn't receive your data transmission for yesterday's assignment. Was there a problem? The problem is the tests you're having me run.
Okay Barrett, go ahead. Well Cheryl is studying virulent microbes in a gravity free environment and Dan is in the laboratory playing with the effects of magnetic fields on sensory cells and plant roots. My mission has been to test the tensile strength and yield of chairs throughout the module. Yeah, that's just the division of labor described by the mission director. There is no problem.
Is it at all possible that you sent me up here just because I'm fat? And that you're running fat experiments on me? I'm not aware of any parameters like that. My directive today was to eat three rehydrated Salisbury steak packets and a cherry plum cobbler pouch. What does division of labor have to do with giving me six times more food than everyone else? I can get back to you on that.
Okay, look at this. It came up here to further man's knowledge of the universe through study of space. How does eating this do that?
Everything you do on the space station will prove beneficial to future astronauts Barrett. You know, I'm sure you are all getting a great laugh. I mean, wow, Barrett can barely fit into his uniform now and he can't do spacewalks without getting winded.
And whoa, don't let him near the antenna. He might eat it.
As a protective protocol engineer, you've got a very specific mission so you should be able to... A protective protocol engineer, that is a made up position.
I think you guys just gave me that because you didn't want to call me the big fat space guinea pig. We seem to be losing the transmission down here. Oh yeah, sure, yeah, sure. Yeah, losing transmission. Okay, yeah, talk to you tomorrow. Bye now. |
ClickHole | sustainability_this_couple_cooks_all_the_meat_that_comes_flying_out_of_the_portal_in_its_backyard | Well, there's so much waste in the world, and finally it dawned on us, why go to the grocery store when we've got this portal in the backyard that's constantly spewing raw meat? As soon as the meat comes flying out of the portal, we clean it, wait for it to stop ringing, and then we cook it. Ever since the portal opened up and started spraying meat all over our backyard, we've gotten way more into cooking than we were before. We make all kinds of meals with the portal meat. Gourmet meatballs, carne asada, burgers are probably our favorite. When we used to get the meat from the grocery store, we never knew where it's coming from. It's really reassuring to know that the meat we eat now comes straight from the portal in our own backyard. No GMOs, no preservatives, no bones whatsoever. Just raw, fresh meat from an unidentifiable animal, and so much blood. All right, just hungry. The portal meat is fresh, it makes us dream in black and white, and it tastes great. And any meat we don't end up eating ourselves, we just chuck back into the portal.
We're pretty much 100% waste-free now. Yeah, just about. Feels great. Cheers. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Optus_Compensates_Users_with_Valuable_Magic_Beans_Amid_National_Outage_Chaos_ | You're still an intern aren't you, Wendell? Yeah yeah yeah, apparently 2024 is my year, that's what I've been told. Graduate level position. I have been told that, but look 2023 was also supposed to be my year so I guess we'll just see what happens when Clancy and I have our annual review. Just prove your commitment to the company, pump those numbers up a bit and I think you'll get the job.
Almost there it feels like. Yeah you're almost there, you're really close. You know what I mean? Just on the precipice, don't you think Clancy? Maybe, I mean if we didn't hear all those rumours about you downtown you probably would have had a job a long time ago, but you know. That endears me and that gives me credibility amongst the community Clancy, so I really don't think that should be holding me back. I didn't even know what ketamine was until it was brought to my attention, but anyway. That's why you need people like me, young people, bringing you those stories.
Anyway we'll save this for the meeting, I just want to say a quick congratulations to Effie Bateman who snagged a couple of grand this week with a mystery trifecta on race seven of Flemington Tuesday. She's a mad punter, loves horse racing, she just loves the whole thing. A pony girl who loves horse racing obviously. Yeah so it's going to be a great weekend for me. Bit of hobby horsing, you're going to treat yourself to a new hobby horse off the back of that couple of grand. Yeah because I've got about 27 of them now, but I'm thinking of getting one of those unicorn ones and you press the E and it makes all the neighing sounds, yeah, yeah. You can always do with another hobby horse.
She also is fluent in Simlish. Simlish? Do you want to do Simlish? I'm going to need to be enlightened as to what that is. That just sounds like noises, what is the... Simlish. What is Simlish? Do you want to play the Sims?
Where is it? Oh right. She also has a Furby. I do, I do. Yeah nice.
Not familiar with Simlish because I don't know, I actually had a real childhood where I went out and like hit my mates with sticks and set things on fire. We drank water from the hose, the street lights were our curfew. I didn't grow up learning made up languages.
Someone's going to drown in the pool later on in the Sims, I'm going to take the ladder out, it's going to be you. She's going to take it out on you.
All right, we'll start off with the biggest story of the week, which was the telecommunications bungle and Optus has offered to compensate its users with valuable magic beans after that national outage chaos. Yes, this week Australian telecommunications giant Optus copped a lot of flak with its customers as a nationwide outage left users without service. While many Optus customers initially thought that they were having a bad day and maybe stuck within one of the 350,000 black spots around the country, it turned out the entire network was down. Still not really able to explain the fuck what happened, the company has now attempted to fix the situation by offering customers a compensation package, a handful of what they claim to be really valuable magic beans. Which is certainly better than 200 gigs of data for people who are on unlimited data plans. Some Optus users, however, were less than impressed with many expressing their frustration at this seemingly whimsical compensation.
One disgruntled customer stated, I can't make calls and they give me magic beans? What am I supposed to do with those? Plan a beanstalk to get better signal? Give me my fucking money back.
Fair enough. I think Optus should just be handed over to SBS after they handled the 2018 Russian World Cup so well. SBS should just be in charge of the whole thing at Optus there. They'll get it done. I mean, the internet is always a great source of sex, boobs and soccer. So SBS would do well running Optus around the country. Everyone deserves the right to have erotic tales on their phone, in my opinion.
International news now, Dumb and Dumber 3 Death to Hummus debuts to lukewarm reviews. Yes, in the world of cinema, a surprising release hit the screens this week with Boris Johnson and Scott Morrison making their film debuts in Dumb and Dumber 3. The film, a bizarre departure from the franchise's usual comedic tone, received lukewarm reviews, leaving audiences puzzled and frustrated. Yeah, it came out on Monday and critics have questioned the film's choice of subject matter and its departure from that so well-established comedic formula. One reviewer commented, I expected Dumb, but this is a whole new level of confusion.
I'm not sure anyone was asking for geopolitical commentary from Lloyd and Harry, obviously talking about that trip by Scott Morrison and Boris Johnson over to Israel. Former Prime Minister Scott Morrison has hit back at the bad reviews in regards to that trip. It's easy, you know, to be like that Clancy overall, just throwing peanuts at me when I'm trying to do my best. Through the bushfires, through that mild flu we destroyed the world economy for. It wasn't easy and you've got those thong-wearing lefties like Clancy calling you a marketing slob who poos his pants regularly. It's not easy. Now I'm over here with Boris filming a movie and all I get is more grief from you. What do you expect me to do, go back to smearing poo on the walls of Tourism Australia or something? I can help in this conflict and helping is what I plan to do. I'm not sure how much help Scott Morrison is really doing over there. Well he was obviously very offended by my one and a half star review.
I thought, you know, it's not hard to fuck up, you know, such a loved comedy franchise but, you know, they did and as we learnt over the last ten or so years those two blokes could fuck up a cup of coffee. They certainly could.
Now we'll move onto some finance news and a bank that claims to simply pass on interest rate hikes to customers somehow rakes in seven billion dollars worth of profit. Yes, in the financial world Westpac has made headlines for its seemingly contradictory success. Despite claiming to merely pass on interest rate hikes to its customers, the organisation who makes up one quarter of our nation's banking cartel announced a staggering seven billion dollar profit. The shocking news comes despite the majority of the nation being slugged with countless rate rises and the flow on effects of an economic crisis extenuated by our government, our housing bubble, the military industrial complex and the people who control our energy sources. And while the peasants who make the world turn have been told that tough economic times are unavoidable and rate rises are a necessary evil, it seems like those rate rises aren't exactly an evil for everyone, like Westpac who raise the interest rates on mortgages and loans immediately and hold off raising the rates on savings for a long enough period of time to make billions of dollars. And Commonwealth Bank and Woolworths and Coles who price scales customers, just to name a few.
And Sportbed. Yeah of course, and Sportbed, but they don't pay very much tax either. Do Sportbed.
Or Tab. Well it leads us to our next story. It does lead us to our next story, which is the Melbourne Cup.
Effie Bateman. Yes, and an owner of a puppy farmed border collie in a one bedroom city apartment says nup to the cup. Yes, in a story that tugs at the heartstrings of animal lovers, a Brunswick woman has this week made sure to let all the people in her heavily curated echo chamber know that she says nup to the cup.
The anti-horse racing activist for the first week in November took to social media to call anyone who was going to watch a horse race on Tuesday a stupid dumb bogan fuck who should go and fuck off. Incredibly articulate was her argument and that was followed by threats to shoot someone with a shotgun next time they broke their leg as the owner of a working dog that frequently spends 24 hours a day inside said to us, animals are not for human entertainment. She refused to confirm whether she would be doing anything else to combat the issues she is so passionate about or whether she'll just do a bit of social media activism and let the widespread mistreatment of horses and countless casualties in the industry go on for another 364 days.
Hasn't that enough fun at a country races I don't think this one. She should come out to Batutah actually. September every year it is a hooch of a time. |
SaturdayNightLive | puppet_class_with_seth_macfarlane_snl | All right, welcome back to introduction to puppetry. we had a fun morning making our puppets. Now, let's see if we can bring them to life, All right?
I'm gonna call this guy here. Gooby. All right, let's try and figure out what Gooby's voice sounds like. like, maybe he's a little dopey. I'm not dopey, you're dopey. hey! maybe I am from Quebec, so I sound like Z's, no?
Okay, that's really fun. the point is, try to find a voice that you connect with. All right, so why don't you introduce yourselves again, and let's meet your puppets. Oh, okay. uh, hi, I'm Jeff. and, howdy, I'm Ranger Robbie. you know what, can I change that? I already want to change it. that's fine, we're just feeling things out.
How about you? Hi, I'm Bonnie, and I'm Nikki, and I'm, like, totally into shopping. like, shop till you drop. da-da-da-da-da-da! Charge it! Ha-ha-ha-ha! that's fun, Nikki. And you?
My name is Anthony Peter Coleman, formerly Private First Class, United States Army, dishonorable Discharge, May 19th, 1983. Okay, and Anthony, what is your puppet's name? Tony. And can we hear a little bit about Tony? go ahead, tell them what happened. there was a Rebel Village five clicks down the road. word came down from Top Brass. make it Disappear.
We didn't know any better. we were kids. I watched myself pick up the flamethrower, and I just went off.
Okay, well, let's not get too deep into our. let's not get too deep into our backstories just yet. like, maybe start with some fun, silly facts, you know? like, I've got a sweet tooth, okay? What about you, Ranger? my nose is ticklish. can I change that? you're fine, absolutely. How about you, Nikki?
I'm, like, so into my phone. I'm always, like, texting, texting, texting!
Lol! Nobody was laughing out loud that day in Grenada. but many people were saying, o-m-g. Me. I was saying t-t-y-l to my innocence.
Yeah, okay. you know, let's just kind of hit the reset button here and give our puppets totally new identities, All right? like, maybe I'm a real New Yorker. pizza! forget about it! Anthony, do you want to try a completely different character for Tony?
Okay. I like texting. shock till you drop. da-da-da-da-da-da. George It. that's kind of Bonnie's character, though, isn't it? you maybe want to try something else? All right.
I'm Clark, and I like biscuits and waffles. that's great. tell us more about Clark. he was another grunt in my platoon. together we went house to house, spraying liquid death. Okay, listen, why don't we have these guys act out some scenes, all right? like, maybe my guy, maybe he's a real nerd, and he could say, hey, Ranger, can you tell me where in this forest I can plug in my laptop? Well, right over here. you guys are friends. that's nice. I had a friend in Grenada.
I called him little tater. one night he wouldn't stop screaming. he was going to give away our position. I covered up his mouth and choked him out. shh!
Okay, okay, okay. guys, guys. Guys, let's go ahead and break it up. let's go ahead and break it up, all right? All right? I'm glad. I'm glad you guys are getting it, okay?
But please Do Not act out Any murder scenarios with each other's puppets. Now, it's been a while since we've heard from Nikki. yeah, guys. like, I'm right here. doesn't anyone see me? I clocked you the minute I walked in the door. you look like this one hooker in Grenada. you're, like, intense. is that what you like? Daddy's girl. okay. see, it looks like they're having sex. let's take five, everyone. And when we come back, we'll talk about perfecting your puppet's hat. |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_3 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. I'm Claude Barker. With me, as always, Jerome Bettis. How are you, Jerome?
What if I just got up and just left? Would it matter?
Folks, this is the moment you've been waiting for. The race is about to begin. We take you down to the field where our referee is about to blow. The starting whistle for the race. Handlers, are you ready? Turtles, are you ready?
How can he tell that? And they're off. That said, it's probably going to be a while before anything interesting happens. You know, Jerome, I almost definitely don't.
It is great to see this sport back in action because for the last few years it was outlawed due to the work of animal rights activist Margaret Valentine. Great. Valentine is the director of the Animal Activists of America Turtle Division. For a long time, the Turtle Division has remained fairly quiet except for the occasional oil spill. Valentine caught wind of turtle racing back on September 10th, 2001. And from that moment forward, literally nothing distracted her from putting an end to the sport. In 2004, Valentine produced her own television advertisement, seen here.
Help me. I don't want to race. If turtles could talk, would you listen? Finally, because she was sleeping with the mayor, who was sleeping with a congressman, both guys, she was able to orchestrate the passing of a nationwide injunction against turtle racing. That senator has since broken up with her and repealed the law. You've got to ask yourself, Jerome, is she going to show up at today's race? Yes, yourself, whatever you want.
I'm going to get a churro. They got churros here?
No. Well, fuck.
Let's check back in with our veteran sideline reporter, Winston Maddox, with an exclusive interview. Winston, that looks like a fire hydrant. He told me he was a turtle. You know what? We'll be right back with more turtle racing. With a turtle hole punch, you can play your turtle like a flute. |
SaturdayNightLive | badger_up_his_butt_saturday_night_live | So, if my indicators are correct, our new Taj Mahal bath mat line is going to be a big seller in our two target areas, the Midwest and the lower Midwest. is there a problem, Nat? with you? Yes. Hey, come on, Nat. Brenda worked really hard on this. Hey, people, we are the number two bath mat manufacturer in the U.s. Okay? Our clients have come to expect quality bath mats, and you guys just blew it.
Now, if you need me, I'll be in my office, but please don't need me.
Wow. What has crawled up his butt? Yeah, that was ridiculous. Hey, I just passed Nat Tunderson in the hall. can someone tell me what has crawled up his butt?
I know. that's what I just said. Maybe he stressed out. he shouldn't be. he just took a vacation. Yeah, a lot of good. It didn't.
Okay, you know what? what's up with this mat? Is this the best the factory can do? This is humiliating. I pay you to. people for one thing. to make the flattest, most affordable, sweet mother of Mary. most absorbent floor quality fabric on the market, period. Oh, good God.
Help me. you know, Nat, some of us worked really hard on that campaign. Yeah, I mean, I was here till five in the morning. Really, Nat? what has crawled up your butt?
Nothing. no! no, good Lord, never! Oh, my God! somebody call 911!
Nat, are you okay? Oh, hi. hi, guys. I'm fine. hey, doctor, what was wrong with him? Nat here was admitted with severe trauma to his butt. do you. do you mean.
Yes, I do. something has crawled up into it. Oh, my God, what was it? according to the x-rays and my limited knowledge of wildlife, it appears to be a Badger. is that even possible? Apparently it is. I guess it happened on that camping trip I took last week. What was that? So, did you get it out?
I'm afraid not. at this juncture, surgery would be too risky for the Badger. So, what are you going to do? we're hoping to hold tight and hold the badger, can turn around and find his way out. until then, all we can prescribe are painkillers and badger food. Are you serious? of course not. painkillers could be risky for the Badger. there's one other option. we throw Nat in the back of my van, and we all head back to my place. put on some soft music, turn down the lights, maybe a few candles. I'll whip up a Yankee Pot Roast, which we will place next to Nat's tailpipe. If there's one thing a Badger can't resist, it's soft music, candlelight, and a pot roast. that almost sounds romantic. believe me, it isn't. if the Badger smells that pot roast, he's going to tear right on out of there. it's hard to watch. everybody ready? let's go. come on, give me a hand with this big one. |
cracked | bill_o_reilly_teaches_kids_about_science | I love you, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my brother.
David Beverly Hills, Florida.
Okay, I had the moon get there. Okay, well... How did the moon get there? Most likely... Look, you pinheads who attacked me for this, you guys are just desperate. How'd the moon get there? How'd the sun get there? How'd it get there? Can you explain that to me? Yes.
How come we have that and Mars doesn't have it? Venus doesn't have it.
How come? Why not?
How'd it get here? How did that little amoeba get here? Crawl out there. How'd it do it? Come on.
But I think I know. You have order in this universe. You have an order in the universe.
Tide comes in, tide goes out. Okay, yeah, the moon does it. Fine. How'd the moon get there?
Who put it there? Did it just happen? Nope. Okay, if we have existence, if we have life on Earth, how come they don't have it on the other planets? Were we just lucky? Some meteor would do this?
Yes. Come on. You know, I see this stuff, it's desperate. As I've said many times.
How'd the moon get there? How'd it get there? How'd it get here? How'd the moon get there?
Who put it there? Come on. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_shane_mauss | I have a friend who's a doctor, well he's a medical student, and a great thing to get into, but he's very arrogant about it, always bragging about how smart he is, how much money he's going to make.
I like to knock him off his high horse once in a while, all right, we'll be hanging out, I'll be like, hey Paul, why don't you give my balls a little squeeze quick, huh, that's what you do, that's your job, I want a prostate exam something, he's like oh you're gay, you're gay, name calling, like we're in middle school, how about being a professional, we're just a couple dudes hanging out, having some beers, and I want you to root around in my butt for a while, he's like oh I'm an eye doctor, yeah, then look in my butt, that joke's so good, yesterday I saw a rollerblade in the little library, you ever see on TV sometimes the girls still have like a little thing over their nipples, a little pasty or a star or something, because then they're not naked, I actually have a similar outfit, what I do is I like to take a couple of those little round band-aids, and I put one on the tip of my penis, one on my butt, oh and it's up to work, actual Friday, huh, wow this whole set is about my butt, isn't it, I didn't think that out ahead of time, oh. |
cracked | the_saltburn_house_is_sick_and_tired_of_trespassers | People are being weird about the salt burn house, and no, they're not slurping up the bathtubs, but they are trespassing, a lot.
Basically, once the movie got really popular, internet sleuths were able to identify the filming location, a $54 million estate in the English countryside.
There is currently a super viral TikTok that gives you really detailed instructions and a precise location using Google Maps, telling you how to find the place.
So now it's become a tourist attraction, and the house's actual owner, British aristocrat, Charles Stauphood Sackville, is not very happy.
He said that him and his staff have caught a ton of people trespassing, but this is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that the owner of a home featured in a movie gets pissed off because the house becomes a tourist attraction.
Not even the first time this year.
The filming location for the Oscar-nominated Anatomy of a Fall was actually bookable on Airbnb up until recently, because people were being really weird about it, and it was only like $110 a night, which is kind of a steal. |
cracked | michael_swaim_explains_teleportation_futureproof | Hey everyone, welcome to Future Proof, where I nerd out about classic sci-fi staples and their real-world counterparts. I'm your host, Michael Swang. That's right, Daniel O'Brien may have two Emmys, but I'm back doing videos on Cracked and making references from the early aughts.
So who's really hashtag winning? Don't answer that.
Teleportation, the big bamf, like walking but faster. Ever since primordial humans realized it sucks having to go places in order to get there, it's been a dream of ours to cut out the middleman and blink to wherever we want to be. Teleportation has appeared in many forms across pop culture, all of them cool, except for the adjustment bureau, which required you to wear a little teleportation hat, which is objectively very stupid. Even William Shakespeare invoked the concept in his final play, The Tempest. Whether you want to get to work faster or rob banks like in Jumper, teleportation is a handy answer. But what form of teleportation makes the most sense and how realistic is the tech?
Will we ever achieve this impossible dream? Did I just spoil the answer by including the word impossible?
To find out, let's dig through some prime examples of transporter fiction. One of the first depictions of modern teleportation was in 1958's The Fly, remade in 86 by David Cronenberg. In both versions of The Fly, transporting can only be done from one pre-built pod to another, which raises the question, don't you have to haul the other pod wherever you wanted to go first and doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose? Fortunately, we never have to tackle that conundrum since things go sideways immediately when a rogue bug gets into the pod at the crucial moment and man is fused with insects like army men in a microwave. In the original, this results in two distinct creatures, a fly with the tiny head of a man and a man with the head of a giant fly. In the remake, the hapless scientist in question is instead melded with a fly at the genetic level into a single grotesque being.
Why Jeff Goldblum wasn't also melded with his own clothes or the air in the pod, none can say. My point is, and I think we can all get behind this, Jeff Goldblum should have been butt ass naked for the entirety of The Fly.
Accidentally melding with someone or something is only one of many kinds of classic transporter accidents, which can result in anything from a duplicate to an evil twin to a trip to a parallel universe. Frankly, even the fictional version sometimes seem like more trouble than they're worth, except maybe The Circuit from 1976's Logan's Run, which exists solely to connect people for the purposes of casual sex, like some kind of sci-fi Craigslist. The main thing they all mostly have in common is a vertical shaft of bright light and a range limited enough to make it so you'll still need spaceships, because who doesn't want spaceships in their thing? One notable exception is a Stargate, which links distant worlds together with a series of portals. Stargate seemed to have no range limit as long as you dial the right planet's number.
There's even a reference to teleportation in Star Wars A New Hope, although we never see a functioning transporter in the series. Could have made a vacuuming Alderaan an option, just saying. At one point, Luke suggests that C-3PO teleport them off Tatooine, implying the idea at least exists in the Star Wars universe, if only as the idle daydream of a lowly nerf herder.
Is there anything I might do to help? Oh, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvester, teleport me off this rock. I don't think so, sir.
Perhaps the most iconic teleporter is Star Trek's, but it was only included in the first place as a cost-saving measure, because beaming people up and down is an easier effect to accomplish than a shuttlecraft landing. The device became a staple of the series and thenceforth threatened to break the plot nearly every episode, like any thriller written after the invention of cell phones. After all, if you can beam anyone or anything, anywhere, why not just beam your enemies directly into space or half of your enemy across the room or yourself to Risa, the sex planet. To address this, Trek constantly put limits on their transporter, not allowing it to function through raised shields either in the presence of a dampening field or radioactive interference, for instance. This sort of teleporter, much like in The Fly and even the Mike TV part of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, functions by completely breaking down a person's body, cataloging their every atom and beaming that information to another location where they can be reassembled. One interesting quirk of this idea is the fact that the person leaving the transporter need not be the same person as the one that entered the other end. It would be functionally the same and frankly more efficient to simply incinerate the person being transported and materialize a clone in their place. Fortunately for all of us who don't like to be incinerated, this version of teleportation technology seems especially infeasible. In The Physics of Star Trek, physicist Lawrence Krauss explains a transporter's theoretical data storage needs outstrip all methods of recording information.
Not only that, but the computational time required to correctly reassemble a mess of discombobulated atoms would stretch on for several times the age of the universe and the energy required would amount to more energy than the universe holds. Yes, that's how complex you are at the atomic level. Feels good, doesn't it? This boils down to a few scientific realities, the first being the uncertainty principle, which says that we can't know a subatomic particle's exact position and speed at the same time. Without that information, assembling the puzzle into a person becomes essentially impossible. Then there's those pesky laws of thermodynamics, which say that you need to put more energy into a system than you take out of it. In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics. To convert the entire mass of a relatively small person into pure energy would produce the energy equivalent of over 100 million atomic bombs. And it would take a similar amount of energy to unscramble the results. I don't know if you've priced 100 million atomic bombs lately, but it gets up there.
Then of course, there's more supernatural and magical forms of teleportation, like Nightcrawler from the X-Men or the Protagonist from the Dishonored and Deathloop video games. All of these folks have to be able to see the spot they're going to warp to, making their arch nemeses corners and workmen walking by with big boards. Last but not least, we can't forget the game Portal itself, which mimics the wormhole theory of teleportation. In this version, two points linked in space become one, like your parents' genitals the night you were conceived. No beaming required, as long as you're comfortable folding space and violating the laws of nature. But believe it or not, something akin to teleportation has been observed in the real world.
The key difference is it's only happening at the quantum level, and it involves the instantaneous movement of information, not matter. If you're unfamiliar, quantum physics deals with the very, very small, things much smaller than atoms, where the traditional rules of engagement tend to go out the subatomic window. One miraculous property of quantum particles is their propensity to become entangled in such a way that their respective states are connected functionally. So if one spins one way, the other spins the other way, for example. And this remains true even over great distances. You can take two entangled particles, send them millions of miles apart, but if the spin of one quantum particle is affected, its entangled partner immediately shifts to match, meaning the information was transmitted between them instantaneously. Einstein called this effect spooky action at a distance, which sounds like something you'd need to get a restraining order for.
For similar effect, imagine randomly taking either an ace of spades or hearts and giving the other one to a partner. No matter how far away you got from one another, the second you flipped over your card, you'd know what card your partner had. It's not gonna help you rob a bank or even win a hand of poker, but it's still pretty cool.
A separate phenomenon known as quantum tunneling involves another unique property of very tiny things, which is that they can behave as a wave rather than a traditional particle. This means, among other things, that the position of a quantum particle is more like a cloud of probabilities than a distinct localization. Because of this, there's a non-zero chance that a quantum particle can exist on the other side of a barrier that it traditionally shouldn't be able to penetrate, like a little tunnel, very little, so little the human mind can barely conceive of it. Admittedly, neither quantum entanglement nor tunneling will help you defeat GLaDOS or get an away team off the surface of a hostile planet, but they sure are a lot less dumb than a little teleporter fedora.
I hate you so much, adjustment bureau. And hey, speaking of hate, that's what I hope you don't, this video.
Give me a like and a comment letting me know what sci-fi staples you'd like to see me tackle next, and I'll see you next time on Future Proof. |
dropout | bro_vs_brit_dating_advice | Honestly, it's impossible to compete with your accent. I don't consider it a competition, do you? Do you hear that? Do you hear yourself talk? I don't consider it a competition. Do you? I don't consider it that, like, a competition, eh? I don't consider it a competition, eh?
Do you? Eh? Easy.
Dating app. I've got tons of them. One for if I want to talk first, one for if she wants to talk first, the other for a three-way, and another that only works at 4.30am outside of club. How do you approach these people on these apps? You know, you write them a passage? First, you just swipe right. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Swipe right.
Yeah, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. And then, you keep it brief but confident. That's why I pretty much only say sup. Not my approach. Don't bombard them, you know? Write them a letter. Um, you know, traditional, romantics.
But keep it anonymous. Don't let them know who you are. How long do you keep it anonymous for?
Six months, maybe a bit longer, if it's going well. So in the meantime, who are you porking? I go by her, and if she's picked me, then... Well, who am I to disagree?
You know she's the one, if she's pregnant, yelling. It always happens, it doesn't feel good, but you do it for long enough and you just get tired of yelling. In England, we're not one for conflict, so we try and channel all of that anger, and then we'll grab it and we'll push it down and push it into our core and just breathe deeply and smile and say, I'm sorry. You may have a few stomach ulcers, though.
I suppose I propose in a hot air balloon over the beautiful English countryside. Or maybe I'd be on the back of an elephant in India. Perhaps I'd be in a gondolier in Venice. Jumbotron. |
SaturdayNightLive | guardian_angel_snl | Hi, do you know me? I'm a guardian angel. Did you know it was about 16 different ways to kick someone in the groin? most people don't know this. most people also don't know that it's gold snatching season. And unless you know the 16 different ways to kick someone in the groin, you, too, can become a victim. Thus, I have devised a method you can use to prevent people from snatching your gold off your neck. If you got nine gold chains around your neck and you're taking a leisurely walk through Harlem at about 3 a.m. in the morning, and you see a group of Harlem residents coming toward you that don't look too friendly, do not panic. simply take one of your gold chains like so and place it above your ears like this here, just as I'm doing here on television. Now, spread this part of the medallion out under your nostrils. Now, and in the distance, in the moonlight, this will look like snot. So you wait for the assailants to get within grabbing dishes of you and proceed like so. heter! If this does not work, call on one of the guardian angels and we shall come and kick him in the groin 16 times. This has been a public service announcement. |
TheOnion | Salt_Lake_City_Hoping_To_Boost_Tourism_By_Reminding_Visitors_They_re_Free_To_Leave_At_Any_Time | Welcome to Salt Lake City, Utah's picturesque state capital and a gateway to the west that you are free to leave at any point. A richly historic town famed for its breathtaking natural beauty, Salt Lake City is an incredible place to visit, pass through, or avoid entirely. We're conveniently located 10 minutes from both the Wasatch Mountain Range and the airport. So whether you feel like exploring unparalleled climbing or hiking at Big Cottonwood Canyon, or simply enjoying the view of the mountains as you fly to another destination, you're only moments away from experiencing the city on your terms. Soak in the town's history at the world famous Mormon Tabernacle Choir, a stunning structure that boasts the 11,623 pipe tabernacle organ, as well as several clearly marked exits so that your visit to the National Historic Landmark can end whenever you're ready. Drive on over to Main Street and shop till you drop at City Creek Center, or keep right on going and take Interstate 80 straight out of Utah. Your choice. A visit to Salt Lake City is a fun, vibrant, and totally voluntary experience. If you don't like it, you can go. You don't even need to think about Salt Lake City again if you'd rather not. Fine by us. Relax, knowing that your trip to Salt Lake City stops precisely when you want it to. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_buck_daniels_story_saturday_night_live | I wrote a song about a man, a dreamer, who achieved it all but lost it. the man's name was Buck Daniels. this is his song. Boy was born on a Texas highway, in the back of a pickup truck. Proud Papa lifts his son to the sky, says, boy, your name is Buck. Boy grows up in a Kansas shack, learns how to play guitar. at night he dreams his Nashville dream, someday I'll be a star. Oh, Buck Daniels, the plans he made, Oh, Buck Daniels, the price he paid. Boy was a hit at the honky-tonks, becoming what he wanted to be. one summer day, he got a record contract, with a jet plane to Tennessee. Boy meets a girl in a greasy spoon, says her name is Tammy Lee. he treated her like the Queen of Spain, and respected her virginity. Oh, Buck Daniels, his passion delayed, Oh, Buck Daniels, the price he paid. Boy's got a single climb in the charts, starts getting a little bit cocky, doesn't call home much anymore, things with Tammy Lee get rocky. Boy's first album hits number one, gets an endorsement deal with Coors, tells Tammy Lee to hit the road, takes up with a couple of boys. Oh, Buck Daniels, the mistakes he made, Oh, Buck Daniels, the price he paid. the second single doesn't do so good, and the crowd starts thinning out, Tammy Lee won't take his calls, one of the whores punches him in the mouth.
The end of the line for this poor boy, and the death of the dream he was chasing, came one night when he was caught in bed with comedian Jackie Mason. I know this doesn't look too good, but I came here for a sandwich. he told me there was a sandwich in the bed. I get in the bed and there's no sandwich in the.
Oh, Buck Daniels, the plans he made, Oh, Buck Daniels, the trail he laid. Oh, Buck Daniels, he drank some raid, Oh, Buck Daniels, the price he paid, the price he paid. |
cracked | 3_ways_supervillains_are_dumber_now_yboc_mcu_snyder_cut_fast_furious | Ha, ha, ha, hello there nerds, it's me, Nega Jordan. It's high time, and I got an episode all to myself without that sniveling doctor trying to fix everything. So before I stab out your eyeballs and feed you to my genetically enhanced dolphins, listen to this sick-ass monologue I wrote.
As a stupid supervillain myself, I know we're prone to doing the same thing over and over again. We put defusible countdown timers on our nukes. We build evil layers with air vents the size of Subway tunnels and we just can't stop letting ourselves get captured on purpose so that we can thrillingly escape later to murder the hero's mentor and provide him the necessary motivation to defeat us once and for all. But as a modern supervillain, it's important that I stay abreast if any brand new, still stupid, suddenly calm and wrinkles the villain union might add to the evil playbook, such as.
Okay, look, I get it. Superhero movies live and die on their ability to set up more superhero movies. I have friends more excited about what a movie points to in the future than what is actively projecting into their present soon-to-be-stabbed eyeballs. The story is an endlessly teased, perpetually arriving thing that only truly manifests once every 20 movies or so. I am John Cena! An important element of most of these movies is hyping up the eventual appearance of the one true big bad. The MCU fluffered us with brief scenes of Thanos sitting on a space sh** for years before he ever bothered to hop off the proverbial pot. And that was definitely cool, the first time. It showed that Marvel had, like any self-respecting supervillain, some sort of plan for their series of films about young boys who squirt. Oh, Parker. But their dastardly schemes had the adverse effect of creating an entirely new, tropey interaction that objectively freakin' sucks. I'm referring to, of course, the supervillain performance review and check-in scene. I bring news. Whereas Thanos' initial teases were largely limited to in-credit sequences, later films like the Snyder Cut turned those brief, tantalizing morsels into a half-dozen full-on scenes where horny head helmet man pauses his quest to caress all the mommy cubes and initiates a scheduled Zoom meeting with his direct superior. We may not see them nail down specific goals for the Q4 advertising spending blitz, but we are forced to watch CGI monstrosities discuss the events we just watched, like the world's worst superhero movie podcast.
And I don't know what you're about to say, but this show is different than that. It's very smart. I have, anyway, horny helmet man is all like, oh yeah, so totally grabbed a mother box from the Amazons, which was actually pretty easy since they literally brought bows and arrows to a laser gun fight.
And I just wanted to check in and let you know that. And also, so now, our plan is to acquire the second mother box. Of course, when that's completed, I'll check back in with an update for you. Of course, I wanna make sure we're on the same page or you know, synergy, B2B.
Seriously, why would anybody want this? Why would anybody wanna write this?
The same thing happens with Arashim and various Eternals and the Eternals, and also the most recent Mortal Kombat movie where Sub-Zero frequently pauses or freezes his rampage so he can catch an overnight to Outworld and recap the various plot developments for Seng Shung and audience members to stone or board or both to remember. I am no longer beyond him. John Cena!
Even F-9 constantly cuts back to Charlie's theorem in her drum cage to ensure that she remains abreast of the developing situation. Those villains aren't even on her side, but it's the fast series clumsy attempt to submit their retcon about how all 3,000 movies have been building to just one super villain. Mr. F. Movies that don't actively portray a thrilling enemy org chart still allude to one like in spoiler, for Matrix resurrections, Trinity and Neo's threat to call the analyst bosses. It's a strange, petty threat made by essentially two gods who just finished punching off the analyst jaw and slicing open his throat, but as they say, write what you know. And apparently everybody in Hollywood's greatest fear is their boss firing them and forcing them to scrounge for healthcare in the woods like a f-ing squirrel. America! The goal, clearly, is to nudge whatever series towards an inevitable do-it-myself moment. After all, people flipped their s-t with Thanos, finally came down to Earth and murdered all the characters whose contracts were expiring like, oh no, the stakes are about to be even higher than they are.
Steppenwolf was one thing, but now Darkside, oh my God, Darkside is historically kind of horny for Wonder Woman. That sounds like trouble with a capital T that rhymes with P and that stands for Pussy Wonder Woman, eh? Is she alone? But there have to be other ways to tease future villains and fluffer us about conflicts that aren't here yet without bogging down our current escapist fantasies with tension-free Zoom calls between a genocidal space dolphin and his regional manager. What if, instead, Steppenwolf nervously confided and subordinate his fears that if he doesn't collect all the mama crates, Darkside might come and do it himself. Darkside?
Says the flying monkey bug thing. Why, he isn't even better about it than you! He is.
I will come, come, come, come. Boom, done. I just cut an hour from the Snyder cut. Hire me, Warner Brothers.
I've always wanted a brother that I could best in open combat. I didn't touch your damn drum set! You!
Nega Jordan must have trapped me in this genocidal space dolphin desert pit. Well, while I have you, did you know that two out of three men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they're 35? That may sound like the desperately plan of a bastardly villain, but apparently it's just life. Even more evil schemes sounding once you go bald, you can never go back. It's like a space laser to the dome.
That's why you've got to be preventative in keeps, the hair you've got. And that's the cool thing about keeps. They'll set you up with a licensed doctor who will review your information online so you can get your hair treated without even going outside or even putting on pants. You'll never fall into a desert pit because they'll recommend the right hair loss treatment plan for you specifically. And then your treatment is shipped directly to your door every three months. Best of all, keeps offers generic versions of FDA approved hair loss medications, which keeps things cheap so you can spend your money on more important things like capes and grappling hooks and, you know, harpoon guns for dolphins. Time's up. Also, because treatments usually take between four to six months to show results, the sooner you start, the sooner your luscious locks will be the envy of every Lex Luthor everywhere. So if you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss, go to keeps.com slash cracked or click the link in the description to receive 50% off your first order to keep, hopefully 100% of your hair.
That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash cracked. Sign up today if you can, unlike the evil version of me, be a full head of hair sporting hero. Ha ha ha. Also, also speaking of brothers, Hollywood's been on a real relatable villain's kick, like literally as in, crapping out a bunch of villains directly related to the heroes. My blood. Presumably because claiming that the genocidal space dolphin is also the heroes' estranged sister hints at just enough sympathetic backstory for a spin-off Disney Plus show in case they become popular enough with audiences just thirsting for more dolphin combat. There we go.
Note that this does not apply to adoptive relationships. As my grandma always used to say, dolphins raised by somebody other than their biological dolphin parents are destined to want to wipe out an entire species or ethnicity and can never be redeemed. She was a firecracker. The worst recent example was obviously Spectre, where Blofeld reveals that he's James Bond's adoptive brother and he's just mad because Bond was the favorite child, which is why he's setting up a global spy network of satellites because he was not loved. So thank you, coo coo. Apparently their shared father preferred rock hard abs to Academy Award nominations, but what exactly do their previously unknown familial ties add to the story or stakes exactly? If anything, Blofeld's weirdly personal obsession with James retroactively implies that the agent was never in any real danger in any previous films because Blofeld's only real goal was enacting emotional revenge on Bond, like making him, you know, like so sad. Similarly, the Transformers series revealed that Optimus and Megatron were brothers, only to later walk it back and claim, okay, actually, Megatron is adopted and can only be saved in the cleansing fire of endless Michael Bay. Or how about Credence worm jizz and Fantastic Terps and where to block them? I don't even know if that's the character's real name or not, but I do know that he was raised by a non-biological family, forcing him inevitably into a one-track life of magically murdering shit. Occasionally, you'll get an irredeemable half sibling like Ares and Wonder Woman, but half relations are still full evil according to screenwriters, and thus they necessitate full death. It's another one of my grandmother's delightful idioms. Not me. Conversely, non-adoptive, much beefier brothers like J. Cobb and F-9, or genetically linked much cooler daddies like Shu-Wen Wu and Shang-Chi are destined to return to goodness at some point.
I mean, there's not much chance a Marvel movie's gonna end with a hero being beaten to death by their daddy. Leather daddy? Oh, is there such a thing? Unless he's an adoptive daddy, like Thanos, who hawks Gamora off a cliff and tortures Nebula by tearing her apart and tortures me with an impossible dream of one day tearing apart those pinchable purple CG butt cheeks.
Loki is an adopted semi-exception in that he eventually becomes slightly less evil. That's, again, only because he was popular enough for a spin-off show, and, you know, after a decade of having him dick around and backstab people, they had to take the character somewhere. Originally, his adoptive status was actually a sort of way to hand-wave why we should not care about him. He's my brother. He killed 80 people in two days. He's adopted.
And notice how even though each Star War centers on the conflict of essentially just one highly emotional and dysfunctional and incestual family with, you know, all these evil uncles and shit, they always return to the light side after a brief excursion onto the side that rocks because, thank the fucker, Darth Vader was raised by his birth mom. And also... Who was his father? John Cena! You could argue that Rey is related by blood to Palpatine, and yet he doesn't get redeemed, but also, technically, her dad is a clone of Palpatine's own.
Since they're not really related except through science and shit. Shut up, nerds. I don't know why you always have to be judging me because I only believe in science.
But the real question here is, why do the villain and hero need to be connected at all? Even if they're not related by blood, almost every current supervillain encounters the hero prior to the events of the film we're watching. Like, we always learn that Iron Man inadvertently murdered the villain's parents or squished their lunch with an iron boot and they were 11 or whatever.
But those backstories rarely add anything substantive to the actual plot other than, oh my God, no. It's personal. Or I guess it was always personal, but they just revealed it. So now... We know it's personal. I don't care.
He killed my mom.
But there's a reason why Dark Knight Joker is largely recognized as a great villain. He and Batman have zero prior connection, yet Joker gloms onto the man who is a bat and just decides that they're two halves of the same mental illness. I don't wanna fuck you. That makes their ideological conflict legitimately interesting rather than just inevitable because Batman once dated Joker's mom and, you know, did her from behind and now they have to fight.
I failed you. I trusted you, buddy.
And yet the very next movie reveals that Bane isn't just a bad guy. He shares the same adoptive ninja daddy as Bruce. Does that make them practically adoptive siblings? Well, you know what that means. Bane and also Talia, they need to adopt death. Are you merely adopted death?
Imagine if every World War II movie revealed that Hitler was actually the tank commander's long-lost brother and or that, you know, when they were kids, the commander accidentally shat in Hitler's vegan milk, which made him so sad he decided to invade Poland, as one does. The professor didn't invent control. Sometimes it's okay for a bad guy and good guy to meet for the first time on the day their ideology's opposed.
That's a lesson I really want to impart upon my kids. That are related to me by blood. The adopted ones, I'll just have to teach how to build nukes out of Legos.
Everything is awesome.
Speaking of skills, action movies always tend to focus on people sporting very particular sets of skills, skills that are by and large superior to everybody else's sets of skills. It wouldn't be much fun if a skill-free Liam Eason was shot to death five minutes into the movie that he's about to release this year where he just all over a hotel and had to fight people because of it.
I will find you. And I will fuck you.
I mean, it would be kind of fun, but they probably wouldn't make very much money off that movie and they probably won't anyway. No.
So it kind of makes sense that villains would want to team up with these skillful guys, right? Like why use a random plumber when the plumber down the street can fix your leak by stuffing the pipes full of the corpses of your enemies? From a writing perspective, the villain and the hero teaming up introduces the possibility of weighty character revealing choices for the hero and cements the villain's power. It's kind of like when a bad guy forces somebody to shave them with a straight razor.
It's an ultimate power move paired with an efficient way to finish some chores. Make it close. And don't confuse this with a tepid join me and we'll rule the galaxy thing since those scenes are always an appeal to the hero's logic. Like, hey, I'm Darth Vader and you, you're my son and maybe you'd want to be king of the planets with me?
No!
I'm talking about basically forcing the hero to work with you or partnering a specific task. Now, having laid all that foundation, it's dumb as shit. As talented as heroes may be, the majority of villains are supposed to get where they are usually by being smart. And if there's any, you know, business thing I've learned in my years of admittedly not being that great a business, you never hire somebody who's trying to kill you.
For example, in John Wick 2, Santino forces an unwilling and historically very angry John Wick out of retirement again to murder Santino's sister for him. The implication seems to be that John is very talented and will be able to slaughter the sister without a hitch. And then Santino can just swoop in and kill Wick in retribution for the, you know, the aforementioned slaughtering. Perfect crime. Even better, Wick already owes Santino for a past favor, which means Santino can cash in for basically free.
Now, money upfront. Makes all the difference. Couple issues though.
One of the only reasons Wick doesn't murder Santino on the spot is because he owes Santino a favor. As soon as the favor's returned, Wick is legally cleared to shoot Santino in the penis and the butthole or threw the butthole out the penis. I don't know, John Wick is so talented. Secondly, if Wick is in fact as talented as everybody thinks he is at assassinating, then what makes Santino think that his assassins will be talented enough to take out Wick? Because here's the thing, assassinating Santino's sister is a piece of cake. I probably could have pulled it off. Wick was major overkill, no pun intended, and it directly and needlessly results in Santino's butthole to penis death. What have you done? But at least Wick is still objectively the best assassin. Why does Cipher feel the need to use Dom to steal God's eye?
Because he's so good at driving? She has the ability to literally control all cars remotely.
She only wants Dom so that she can like get back at him for thwarting her plans in the earlier films. Does she really think if he's so talented that she'll be able to constrain and control him forever? Another dude working for Cipher already tried this trick with Letty back in F6, and sure, Letty had lost her memory, but once they realized that she was Dom's girlfriend slash wife, they should have just left her tied up in an Arby's bathroom. Obviously, at some point, she'd figure out a way to turn on them. There's no way that's worth however good she and Dom would be in a door-dashing competition, is that thing? A similar thing happens in Tenet.
The mean Russian dude decides to not murder the protagonist and instead asks him to help steal a case of McGuffonium because, well, his name is the protagonist. But reverse time backwards twists and nah, sir, the guy who had already once attempted to trick the villain, tricks him again? What a butt! And there's nothing particularly special about the protagonist, and the Russian guy already has a million sub Russians under his command. It's just pointless for villains to constantly employ OP heroes when they could easily do it themselves.
Then let me take care of the bulls. Shooting any and all good people in the head upon meeting them and then later figuring it out is just good business sense. Again, my grandma said that. I've escaped your desert pit full of genocidal space dolphins and I've come to turn you in so that you may face a jury of your peers. Can I talk to my boss first? No, we're brothers? Nice try, but that doesn't absolve you of your crimes.
Do you want a job? I'm really looking for a job right now.
No! You're trapped in here with me, bitch! |
SaturdayNightLive | nurse_appreciation_snl | It's National Nurses Week, a time to honor the hard-working women and men, I guess, who care for us and keep us healthy. to me, being a nurse means standing by your side during life's most important moments. to me, being a nurse means doing what needs to be done. there's no task too big or small. ninety percent of my job is cleaning up a grown man's dookie. the other teen percent is sponge baths, which is somehow worse. by the way, where's your accent from? The Jamaican part of Ireland. I work in the maternity ward, so I get to witness miracles every single day. I specialize in oncology, and there's no better feeling than getting to tell someone they're cancer-free.
We got assigned to Curtis. every time he tried to take his temperature, he'd say, and he's kind of racist. he keeps calling me Zenis and me Sarina. But in his defense, he's got dementia. No, I don't. I'ma need you to have dementia, Curtis.
I love getting to make an impact on patients' lives. being a nurse isn't easy, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. we're in charge of organizing this man's pills, and he takes so much medicine, his pillbox be looking like an advent calendar. Also, he keeps dumping out his pills and refilling the whole thing with viagra. Yep, it's all I need. you don't need Viagra. you need to meet Jesus. Curtis, if you see the light, go for it. Plus, we think he gave his real pills to the emotional support dog Frankie. Frankie always lit as hell. there's nothing like watching a patient who is sick beat the odds and leave the hospital happy and healthy. I had to put a tube in Curtis' penis. you know, I don't know how to describe it, except like, have you ever tried putting a straw inside and not a straw? weeks later, we found out Curtis didn't even need a catheter. he just made it up because he wanted to see how he did feel. it felt bad. Nurses, they're the real heroes.
So make sure to say thank you, not just this week, but every day. you used to bang pots and pans for us, and that was sort of annoying, but you also stopped really quickly, which somehow felt worse. we don't do it for the recognition, but we do appreciate your gratitude. Listen, if you can do any other job, do it! Clean the graveyards, coal mining, any other job. Uh-oh, ladies, my ice cream fell. clean up on I.o. Me. Uh-oh. Happy National Nurses Week. |
cracked | 3_bizarre_scenes_in_otherwise_good_movies_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder_kingsmen_ghostbusters | Hello Internet! I am Danny, Joey, Nicky, Obie, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder. The show that, if you're watching this in the way, way distant future and most records have been lost in some kind of horrible catastrophe, is the most popular show of all time. It was Beyonce's favorite, it healed the nation, I'm what the Bible is based on, and today's record-setting episode explores...
Few movies pop out the womb fully formed. It's rare for a movie to start with a clear idea in a person's head, and then have that idea translated perfectly. There are script rewrites, studio notes, reshoots, and actor demands that go into every film. The movie you end up seeing is often a hodgepodge of different ideas that have come together at different points of the movie-making process, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. As a result, we get some pretty sh** scenes in some pretty decent movies, and I'm gonna talk about them now.
I hate doing intros to this. People already know what the episode is about based on the title that they clicked on. And we insist on doing this. Title card!
Ghostbusters is a near-perfect movie about ghosts, busters, and Bill Murray being great. I've always wanted to do this. And the flowers are still standing. It's one of those amazing classic comedies that's going to be studied for years to come, and the plot is pretty straightforward.
Ghosts are real, some scientists saw this coming, and built some ghost entrapment and containment devices to keep everyone safe, because ghosts are bad. The relationship between man and a ghost in this movie is not nuanced. Nothing happens when people die that makes them evil, they become ghosts, and ghosts are bad and need to be busted.
Then, in a fun montage about ghost busting, this happens. Ah, busting makes you feel good, indeed. That's Dan Aykroyd's Ray stance, just kind of like Napoleon, I guess, getting a blowjob from a ghost in what is maybe a dream. I have a thousand questions, and the first 900 of them are, no, with a question mark at the end of them, because no, don't do that in your awesome ghostbuster movie.
This subplot involves Ray and Winston going to a fort that was allegedly haunted. In this fort, Ray finds an old officer's uniform, which he puts on, and then he falls asleep.
And then a ghost sucks his dick for real, because if you're a man in a writer's room working on a movie, eventually you'll raise your hand and say, what if Blake sucked my dick in this scene? It's just a thing that happens, I've been in a lot of writer's rooms. I have no doubt that while working on The Ghost in the Darkness, Val Kilmer softly pitched, one of the lions is suddenly friendly and, like, blows me 110%, and then after I'm like, we can't, and she purrs at me, like, but you're so good at getting your dick sucked, and I'm like, I know, but we can't. It's man's favorite idea for a thing to happen in a movie. Guarantee you, that happened behind the scenes of The Ghost in the Darkness movie. This show is accessible. Anyway, all that stuff I said about the Ghostbusters going to a haunted fort was cut. But the blowjob sequence stayed, now reimagined as a dream sequence, because if they cut it, the audience might leave the theater thinking, but can ghosts blow people in dreams or what?
Why wasn't that addressed? An acroid couldn't live with himself without resolving that issue.
So the scene, for no clear reason, was kept. Rey has a dream that he's dressed as Napoleon in a fort, and a ghost blows him, and it's so great, he crosses his eyes and falls asleep in the dream. Nobody watching that movie would have known about the behind the scenes subplot, so this scene doesn't belong in this, or any movie. But acroid wanted to keep it in, saying, quote, The Ghost in the Fort, the seduction ghost. In paranormal research, that's a common thing, ghosts doing sexual things to people. I have a friend who had three women visit him in a haunted house in Louisiana, and it was one of the greatest nights of his life.
But in under two hours, you obviously can't have everything. End quote. Yeah, obviously you can't have everything.
Dan Acroid believes ghosts are real, and that a few of them f**k the s**t out of his buddy. A liar.
And if his Ghostbusters movie were a little bit longer, he could have included all of this information. That's the amazing, sort of adorable part of all of this. Acroid wanted to include a scene involving ghosts seducing people in haunted houses, because he believes there's historical precedent to that kind of thing. But when told that there wasn't enough room in his movie for a clear subplot explaining this, he compromised with, ugh, fine. But we're keeping the blowjob scene.
No context. The people will understand. As a representative of the people, we do not.
King's been horny butt sex princess. Did my title card operator have a stroke, or is someone making entry titles based on a random drawing of five cards against humanity white cards? Do we want to maybe try that again? Alright, fine. I know when I'm beat.
King's been the Secret Service is a fun, gratuitously violent, action-packed movie based on a comic book. It's one of those Nuff Said movies, a movie that is kind of cool, but when people try to sell you on it, they resort to just excitedly listing the bizarre, ridiculous, and outside-of-the-box elements contained therein. So if you ask someone why you should watch King's been, they'd say, there's a lady with swords for legs, the president's head explodes, Samuel L. Jackson plays a tech billionaire villain with a lisp for no reason, and Colin Firth does a beautifully choreographed murder dance through a church. Nuff Said. I really hate Nuff Said movies, but the charm, acting, and story of King's been really worked for me. It's a fun, dumb movie with cool characters, and briefly, Mark Hamill. Am I meant to find that reassuring? Nuff Said. All of it is pretty good. And then there's this scene.
If you haven't seen the movie, that guy in the glasses is our hero, a kind-hearted British street punk who was recruited for an even more secret version of the Secret Service. The woman in prison is a princess, who was captured because she didn't go along with Samuel L. Jackson's evil plan of blowing up the stupid and poor people of the world in an effort to reduce the population and address climate change. It's a weird movie. He is a sweet boy trying to help and do the right thing. She is a princess who chiefly has been notable for being one of the few people in power willing to stand up to Sam Jackson, which is why she's in prison.
This is the first time they've met, and he would rescue her, but he has to go save the world first. And he tells her. Go and save the world. If you save the world, we can do it in the asshole. I'll be right back. Everything about this is weird, but weirder still is that our guy saves the world and then she immediately makes good on her promise.
You owe me XE. XE.
She is a legitimate princess who has been missing for quite some time and has an entire country to preside over. She's got family that's missing her. She's got a country that is probably freaking out. And even if she weren't royalty, she's a kid that person who has been held captive by a maniac and his sword-legged bodyguard.
That is not a situation that immediately lends itself to horniness. You need to get home, see your family, see a doctor. And you, XE, our hero boy, you just killed a bunch of people, indirectly including the last cool president of the United States. You also shouldn't be thinking about anal sex right now.
It's a weird bonkers non-tonal fit for this movie. Also, and I hate, hate, hate using my, this stupid ass show to make any kind of point, but we shouldn't be perpetuating the idea of sex as a reward. The movie takes the sex as reward idea to its most extreme point. If you save the world, an undeniable good deed, you will get anal sex with a princess, an undeniable rare sexual event for at least two reasons. The height of the circumstances, the ridiculousness of it, makes it easy for us to brush it off. You save the world from a McDonald's loving Samuel L. Jackson. Of course, you get to have anal sex with a beautiful princess. This movie is wacky. But if you consider the sentiment behind it, it can only be insidious. World saving and princess butt sex is the extreme end of the spectrum, but if you zoom in on it, it becomes guided something heroic and gets repaid with sex.
And zoom in even further, and it becomes guys who do good things are owed a sex treat. And that is exactly the kind of toxic lesson that we can't still be teaching in whatever year this is. It's not enough that he should save the world because he saves the world. It's not enough that he should save the world because it's the right thing to do. He needs to also get special birthday sex from a princess. We shouldn't be conflating sex with reward slash payment in movies in general, but we also don't need it in Kingsman, a movie where we didn't need any additional motivation to have our humble, poor British punk taking down an insane rich technocrat.
I hate how self-important we got. Do we have any dumb entries I can look to? That feels pretty unimportant. Let's get into it.
Adam Sandler, who can do whatever he wants, remade a prison football movie, The Longest Yard, and it was mostly stupid. It's about some prisoners playing football against their prison guards and is a pretty fine but forgettable movie. Sandler partners with old hat Burt Reynolds and cool insider Chris Rock while organizing their football games. And then Chris Rock brutally burns alive.
What?
This has no impact on anything. It's just a weird, gross scene in a movie that otherwise was about a bunch of people playing football together. It's not a serious movie. It's not about the justice system. It never positions itself as an important movie.
And yet, suddenly, let's watch Chris Rock burn alive for no reason. That's f***ing dark. I know I spent a bunch of time on the first two entries and this feels kind of short-changed, but like, dude burned alive, right? It's a forgettable Adam Sandler movie and there was a brutal fire death scene. That didn't happen in Mr. Deeds, your big daddy, your wedding singer, probably. He was just like, let's burn this guy in this one movie. It's f***ed up.
Anyway, join us next time when our topic will be Daniel leaves writing the final tag joke for the last possible minute and this time didn't feel like working on it because it doesn't actually matter. It actually hurts our channel if we stick around reading meaningless content because the audience is more discerning and selective about their time.
Okay, sounds good. Sounds like a meaty episode. Can't wait to sink my teeth. All right.
Hey everybody, thank you for watching that. Make sure you click the big C to subscribe and click one of the videos to my right to watch other funny videos. Make sure you click on that dumb f***ing YouTube bell so you get notifications when we put out new videos and if you're still looking for something to do, call your parents. Tell them you love them and call mine too. I forgot to. |
dropout | when_couples_get_too_comfortable_with_each_other | Here we go, here we go, how's it going, how's it going, how's it going, how's it going? Good, are you okay babe?
I feel like my stomach's a little off. You gassy? Yeah, I feel like I got a lot of gas. Let me just eat a fart. What, maybe. Okay, well, let it out.
Yeah, it feels good. You guys are comfortable with each other. We've been dating so long now, it's like, we don't have any boundaries. Yeah, we just look at each other like real human beings.
Oh babe, I think your pits might be a little stinky. I didn't put on deodorant. Yep, a little stinky. Am I a little stinky?
You can't. Wow, yeah, no, that is uncomfortable. Isn't that nice? Sure. You can never really get the back pimples good yourself. This one's angry. Ouch. Got him. Nice job.
Teamwork. You can't just do that in front of other people. Tech, tech, tech.
We're just human beings. Human beings that get yeast infections. Human beings who have sex even though one of us might be on our period. Yeah, we know it's here. Human beings who have a weird thing on their balls and they don't know what that is, so they talk about it. Human beings that enjoy a delicious plate of placenta. Wait, who's baby?
Human beings who are sore from fucking...like, why did it hurt? My yaya hurts. Wow. Why are we letting them still list all this stuff? Sometimes it happens because you can't get off, even though we're trying really hard. Which makes for raw genitals.
Okay, whatever. Sorry I even brought...what are you doing? It's change time. I pooped. Hi, it's Zach from College Humor, thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
TheOnion | Are_Politicians_Failing_Our_Lobbyists | I'm Juliana Bicanas, filling in for Clifford Bains, who told me to say hello to all of you.
A recent poll finds that many Capitol Hill lobbyists are fed up with politicians accepting their money and then not coming through with promised legislation. Are politicians failing our lobbyists? The voice of the corporate lobbyists has long been ignored by the politicians. Nowadays, as soon as the politicians get in office, they forget whose money put them there.
That's right. These lobbyists are going out every single day making sure that their corporate sponsorship is getting through. Okay, but I don't think that we can just blame the members of Congress. Honestly, I think the lobbyists have to stand up for themselves. Oh, great, Duncan. Now we're blaming the lobbyists? Well, I'm just saying that they need to stand up and not let these politicians walk all over the... You know what? I'm going to agree with Duncan because if they don't like the legislation that a politician is passing, that they need to find a different politician who will do what they want and accept tens of millions of dollars to fall in line with the lobbyists. But they're doing everything they're supposed to be doing.
They are paying millions and they're not being listened to. If you make a deal, you make a deal. Since politicians are so unreliable, should lobbyists just cut out the middleman and start giving their money directly to voters? Yes, pay the voters. Forget about the greedy politicians. My rates, $50 on the local vote, $75 for a national vote.
That's nothing. What?
Are you serious? 500 is my lowest. 500.
It depends on what state I'm living in at the time. The article in The Economist this week argues that nations also should cut out the middleman and they should just put corporations in office. That could improve our image abroad. Yeah, I personally respond to logos and I would love to have a president that is identified more by a logo, you know, some kind of shape, you know, like some amorphous blob. |
cracked | why_the_marvel_universe_is_expanding_way_too_fast_today_s_topic | What are you thinking? What? What are you thinking?
Cheers on the count of three's. One, two, three's. Did you know that Marvel finally has the rights to you Spider-Man in their movies?
Just food? Also food. So yeah, food.
Why would you go through all that trouble? You clearly just want to talk about Spider-Man, just ask me about Spider-Man. I don't know. I thought that maybe we were thinking the same thing, maybe. Maybe we could talk about how it's getting harder and harder to keep up with the Marvel Cinematic Universe as time goes on. Also that Spider-Man news came out like months ago, probably. Probably. Why did you sit on this topic for so long? I probably forgot. Probably. Anyway, what were we talking about?
Food? No. No food. No.
Actually right, it is much harder to keep up with the universe now. I was really looking forward to watching Captain America Winter Soldier, but I made the mistake of watching a specific episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. that completely spoils the entire plot of the movie. Okay, well now I feel like that is an exaggeration. Only because it's not. Season 1, episode 17. Hydra takes down S.H.I.E.L.D., Nick Fury dies in the background of the episode, which only aired four days after Captain America. So no matter what premiere I go to, I go as Coulson, it's so easy. But Captain costume at the Arklight, or Coulson costume at Brad's house, I'm going to enjoy one of them less because I saw it second. In Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., you're not supposed to know that Nick Fury secretly survives. But in Winter Soldier, his whole fucking deal is that he secretly survives. So what the goddamn order am I supposed to fucking shit watch your things in you monsters? You Marvel monsters!
Absolutely not. I was just trying a thing. Piggybacking on my emotion, trying to do a joke.
And now they're adding so many additional TV shows. You know, if you want to keep up with all of the TV and movie-spanning plot points, you got to watch everything. But you don't want to be spoiled, so you have to watch everything in a very specific order.
Exactly. Listen, I love S.H.I.E.L.D. I love S.H.I.E.L.D. But now I feel obligated to keep up with Agent Carter, even though it is so boring. I don't care about Captain America's sad girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
And they never really did labels. Okay, well you were the one that means like- I mean, if anything, it's like girl he kissed but did not dance with. That is literally the most boring thing I could imagine. I am even more bored by her now.
Yeah, well it's hard to tell a compelling story when most of the character development in history relies on you watching every single thing. And now I gotta slash get to watch Netflix's Daredevil and Jessica Jones and Luke Cage. DC is better at TV, though. Can't just jump into the middle of a season with Marvel, but with The Flash, for example, there is an intro to every episode that gives me all of the necessary and unnecessary information that I need, like who he is, what he wants, what he can do, what stands in his way, what's his name. DC always reboots everything, though. I can't take them seriously.
The Flash. Excuse me? His name is The Flash. They say so in the intro. I am The Flash. To every episode. And I'm sure they will get another The Flash for the Justice League movie and I don't believe more or less of a poo because every DC project, TV show, or movie is just one stand-alone issue of a comic book.
That's because you are uncomfortable when we take these same signs on issues. This is an issue? It is now. This Marvel DC, this is an issue? Do we want to talk about it? This isn't an issue.
I just feel like comic books should have a sense of familiarity, consistency. Time has made me crazy, but Spider-Man's still a spider, you know? They've already recast Spider-Man several times. You know what I mean! I want to check in on my fave Supes hero. I like that Marvel always makes sure they have the same face. But what happens when something happens? What happens when someone gets old and you're just going to kill them off, make new superheroes, make the story more and more convoluted like a soap opera? Like comic books? Like comic books, yeah. So my choices are Marvel, where I have to watch everything and subscribe to Netflix and get ABC just so I don't get lost, or DC, where Batman is Ben Affleck, or Christian Bale, or that boy from Gotham.
There's no consistency. You're just mad because Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. ruined Winter Soldier for you. Well why would they do it? They both ruined each other. It's a ridiculous thing to do. Why would Coulson do that to us?
Oh, I don't know. Why don't you just ask him yourself?
Oh Agent Coulson.
He's coming. He doesn't seem right. Yeah, I don't think we got him.
Hey guys! Thanks for watching this video of ours. You're welcome, man. Will you please press subscribe like he just demonstrated for you. It's just a little click.
Also, if you feel the need to, why don't you put a comment in the comment box and tell us your thoughts. Yeah, maybe you think that DC and Marvel are doing everything exactly right and you wouldn't change anything and you're like a unicorn. Maybe you want to see some DC, Marvel, cross the line. Maybe you have no opinion. Maybe. Why are you on the internet? The internet is only here for people with opinions, so speak yours right on up. |
cracked | mccain_wins_giuliani_quits_we_tell_jokes_news_1_30_08 | It's Wednesday, January 30th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm a Mog. Half man, half dog. A Queen's man received the gift of life from his beloved sister, twice. Once by her getting him on his much needed dialysis, and again by her giving her kidneys to him after her tragic sudden death. The man, though, had kind of been holding out for his sister's 51-inch plasma. Whatever. A new study shows that depression in the U.S. and U.K. peaks at around age 44 years old. As a method to avoid this, we here at the News on Cracked strongly recommend that you kill yourself at the age of 43. John Mad Dog McCain won the Florida Republican primary yesterday, and Rudy Giuliani has now officially dropped out of the race. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_studio_tour | What's up, guys? I'm Aego Wodem, and I'm gonna give you a little behind-the-scenes tour of 8h, where we shoot. So come with me. shh, be quiet. a lot of big business going on. Okay, we got our incredible crew. this isn't everybody. it's a lot of them, but it's not everybody. in fact, I don't even know if it's a lot of them. it's some of them. Guys, what's that looking like over there? no spoilers. something's happening. somebody's going to church on Saturday night. what's happening over there? maybe a show. I don't know. Okay, let's go this way. let's go this way. we also have to stay out of people's way, because people are working. this is fun and games, but they're actually doing work. this is Melissa, who helps design the sets.
Oh, my gosh. I am starstruck. Oh, please. I am!
Okay, bye, Melissa. I'm gonna let you do your work. All right.
Okay. these are cameras. floor plans here. Guys, come up here. wait, wait, wait. come up here. come up here. the band. the band plays from back here. hold on. sneaking in. sneaking in. shh, shh, shh. Okay, take a look. we got the drums. we got the keyboard. And the music is happening back here. sometimes, when we're doing live sketches, and it's not a track, the band is literally playing behind the set over here. pretty dang cool if you ask me.
Okay. not my fans. fans of the show. you have fans. you have many, many fans. I'm the biggest one, by the way. I love her so much. it's crazy. she's family to me. and our audience sits up there, way up in the bleachers. guys, we got to get you all watching this to come join us. I'm not promising that I can make that happen, but I want that for you real bad. Oh, okay. Ben Marshall is mad at us. |
dropout | hardly_working_bang_bus | This is the best part, they just leave her in the middle of nowhere. Woah. Look at that. I mean, how does she get home?
Do you think we should tell him? He's still so young. I know, but I just, I feel like all his friends know and I'd rather he hear it from us.
Hey Jake, can we talk to you for seconds? Alone? What's up guys?
Bang Bus is fake. Uh oh. You knew that already, right? Yeah.
That it isn't real? Yeah, some of them are fake. No, Jake, all of them are fake.
That's the point. Tell him, Pat.
Yes, they're filmed with porno actors. Okay, I know. I mean, the guys are porn actors. They have the website and the van and all that. The girls are the only part that's real. No, the girls especially aren't real. They're paid. They're paid to act like regular people. Okay, yeah, I know. They're regular girls and sometimes they like getting fucked by a stranger so much that they go on to become porn stars and they go and do like other videos. I get that. No Jake. They're all actresses. Completely aware that they're making a video for Bang Bus.
No aspect of it is real. Look guys, just because you can't understand why some girl on her way home from the store would get into a van and let three guys videotape her while she fucks a stranger for three hundred dollars doesn't mean it isn't real. I know it's hard to believe what you can't comprehend, but sometimes you just have to trust in something bigger than yourselves.
Look at me. Look at me Jake. No. Look at me.
I can't. This is a beautiful story and it speaks to all of us and I wish the world were that way. Why isn't it? It's straight up prostitution. It just wouldn't be legal.
You're right. I'm sorry. I was stupid. We're sorry Jake. I'm an adult.
I can't go on having faith in something just because I want it to exist. |
SaturdayNightLive | lab_partners_saturday_night_live | All right, Class, we need everyone to pair off in teams for their lab reports. Mr. Armstrong, there's a problem. I don't have a lab partner. that's impossible, Ellie. there's an even number of people in the class. that may very well be, but it should be obvious that I cannot work with Mariana. Why not? you know why not. Ellie, don't be ridiculous. go work with Mariana. um, I don't want to work with her either, Mr. Armstrong. Why not?
How can I ever trust her scientific conclusions if she prefers Jacob to Edward? Jacob smells like a wet dog. maybe Jacob smells like a wet dog, but at least he's loyal and he wouldn't leave you and just break your heart. Edward left to protect Bella. Yeah, well, you should have said that instead of lying to her. he killed him to lie to her, but he had no choice. enough.
Will anyone switch partners with Mariana or Ellie? no. Sorry, we'll have to work together. Well, if we're going to have to work together, we're gonna need a truce. Like the truce between the vampires and the werewolves? Oh, Joe, what other kind of truces are there? Fine. What's a truce?
All right! that's enough. Is anyone willing to switch with Ellie or Mariana? No. I'm left with no choice. I need you both to come up to the front of the class and debate Edward versus Jacob once and for all. couldn't you just send them to the principal?
Yeah, why would you want to hear them talk about this nonsense? Because I'm a scientist, and as a scientist, I look for answers.
Mariana, you go first. Thank you, Mr. Armstrong.
Love. What is it? can it be planned, or is it faded? I believe it is. And the moment I heard Edward say, I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore. I knew we'd be together. I'm sorry. Does she think she's gonna end up with the fictional vampire from Twilight? Not think. no. What if I told you, Mariana? what are you doing? I'm sorry. notebooks are for notes, not for kissing. Great. Ellie? thank you.
There was a time in My life when I too loved Edward Cullen, and Jacob was merely a blip on my radar screen. But then, something changed. maybe I changed. maybe I learned the value of a guy who was also my friend. But more likely, Jacob changed. when he took off his shirt and new moon, I saw those changes, and I was like, yes, I want to bake cookies on your stomach.
No. those are fake ads. these are not fake ads. they are too fake. they're Cgi, just like the wolves. these are real. his ads are real. If those ads are real, then the dude who played Jacob deserves an Oscar. Yeah, he does deserve an Oscar. he does deserve an Oscar. he does. You should get him.
Stop talking.
What happened to you? you used to be best friends, and then Twilight changed everything. I mean, can't you get past your differences? I wish we could, but I can't connect with a person who prefers ice-cold vampire blood to the hot-bodied sculpted torso of a werewolf man.
Yeah, and I can't deal with someone who doesn't see that Bella is a whiny do-nothing and doesn't deserve either one of them. But I do think that Bella is a whiny do-nothing who does not deserve either one of them.
You do? Totally. Oh, my goodness. Do you want to talk about this turn? Recess? I want to talk about this first. that was a Recess. Whoo! All right. hey, how about a round of applause for Ellie and Mariana? think about it at least? No? Okay. so, biology. |
dropout | troopers_space_improv | Tell the insurgents on Alara to surrender or the Dread Cruiser will destroy the entire planet. No. You don't believe we can do it? Perhaps a demonstration of our power is in order. Gunner, destroy the planet's moon.
Roger that. That's it? Well, that's it.
We just blew up your moon. Come on. Your planet could be next.
That's scary. It's not really scary if you can't see it. Ah, right. No windows. Okay, are we done here? Can't you imagine how terrifying it was of a picture like a big, laser, green death beam?
I think it's light blue, actually. I always thought it was more of a cerulean. Ooh, cerulean?
That sounds horrifying. Look, we're getting distracted. Rich, come here.
Oh. Okay. Ah. You got me. What is that?
You're, no, you're a moon. Moons don't talk.
Dammit, Larry. Yeah. Get over here. Oh, oh, oh yeah. Okay. Okay, let me just warm up here. Oculus. Okay. And go. Ah, now your magma core is detonating. Very good. And now, okay, now both of you.
The Alarans distraught over the loss of their precious moon. Oh no. The moon. Oh no!
Tides are all screwy. Our coastal farmlands are flooding.
Oh, Princess, why? Why have you forsaken your friend, the farmer? Yeah, I don't know any farmers.
Yes, but you're their princess. I mean, you must care about them. Yeah, officially, I guess, but not really.
Sir, we, um, missed the moon. You missed, you missed the moon. How could you miss the moon? That is like missing the broad side of ten billion barns.
Come on, sinister. Lemon's out of lemonade. Very well, Princess. You have 13 hours to surrender or Alara dies. Oh yeah, I lied. The base isn't on there. What? You were just going to let me blow up four billion Alarans?
That's cold. No, seriously, even I think that's cold, and I'm going to go kill that shitty gunner now. Painfully. In front of his friends. I mean, damn, you nasty. |
dropout | why_detox_cleanses_are_a_rip_off_adam_ruins_everything | Well, speak your truth quickly because I am not missing my cleanse. I am full of toxins. Ah yes, good old, bad old toxins. The wellness industry tells us they're terrifying, they're inside of us, and we need their high-priced help to get them out. Is your blood toxic? Toxic blood can affect every organ in your body and it's happening to millions of people. If you're feeling tired and bloated, then Lee Haney's several day detox program is just what you need. Blood foot pads will restore balance to your body, stimulate your system, draw out toxins, improve your blood circulation, you'll feel rejuvenated.
Despite what wellness companies say, as a matter of basic physiology, it's pretty much impossible to suck toxins out through your skin. Well, then I'll just sweat them out in the steam room. Also not possible. I'm never one to turn down a nice schwitz, but ask a scientist and they'll tell you, sweat is... 99% water. Sweat is your body's temperature control, and that's it. Detox just isn't your skin's job. Okay, then I'll just drink a ton of water. Hydration is great for flushing toxins out. Sorry, science says a nope.
So how do I get toxins out of me? I've been stressed eating fast food and touching plastic all week trying to finish this article and now there are even little particles inside of me and they're slowly killing me. Graphics have toxins too. Wait to burst your bubble, but that's not how it works at all. The fact is, toxins aren't even a special type of chemical.
It's just become a trendy buzzword.
The truth is that anything can be toxic if you ingest too much of it. Eat too much vitamin C? That's a toxin. Overdose on fiber? That's a toxin. Drink too much water?
You better believe. I get it. Okay.
Luckily, your body comes naturally equipped with the world's most effective detox product, your internal organs. What pads were a lot less gross? If you have harmful levels of a substance in your body, your liver, kidneys and lungs naturally filter it and then flush it out in your pee pee and poo poo. Um, weird that you call it that, but wait, if toxins come out in my pee pee and poo poo, then I will just, I'll speed that up. I will get a colon cleanse. Oh no, not that. Your impacted fecal matter is causing a lot of toxic blockage, so we'll gently flush it out by shooting 15 gallons of water up your rectum.
First, let's do it. Julia, please don't do this. Why not?
My friend Basil said getting a colonic was life-changing. Well, if you ask any doctor, they'll tell you. Colon cleanses are damaging to your intestinal health and can even be dangerous. Julia, this is Dr. Jerry Mullen. He's a gastroenterologist at Johns Hopkins Hospital. I came as fast as I could. Julia, some people think that colon cleanses flush toxic matter out of the gut. However, there is absolutely no scientific evidence that high colonics are good for your health. The only thing that had been proven to cause are awful side effects such as nausea and vomiting and cramping.
Then how am I supposed to get all of that old, you know, out of me? You don't need to.
If you have regular bowel movements, your fecal matter is expelled often enough. And you don't want to force flush excrement out of your colon. Fecal matter nourishes and protects your bowels. Your body's like a garden. You want some fertilizer in there. Oh, gross.
Hey, Adam here. If you like that, be sure to watch all new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rupert_murdoch_steps_down_from_fox_six_flags_unveils_new_roller_coaster_snl | The dating app bumble says that next year they expect to see a surge in relationships where one person dates someone considerably older because those student loans ain't gonna pay for themselves. Rupert Murdoch has officially stepped aside as Ceo of Fox News, passing the position on to his eldest son, Darth Murdoch. This week was International Fraud Awareness Week, but I'm aware of a fraud every day.
A new report shows that the gender death gap is rising with men dying an average of 6 years before women. Which is, yeah, it's actually scientific proof that men are actually dying a little every time.
We have to listen to your boring ass stories. Oh, Michael! a British woman who was arrested for keying several parked cars blamed her actions on, quote, feeling menopausal. Incidentally, feeling menopausal was also the working title of, And just like that, Six Flags has unveiled plans for a new rollercoaster which will be the world's tallest and fastest with a 600 foot drop that reaches speeds of 150 miles an hour. The only problem is, if you hit a bug, you die. A woman revealed that she accidentally ordered a cocktail that cost $2,000 Ingredients of the $2,000 drink included gin, vermouth, and a Macbook Pro See, that was a sweet one. Disneyland has announced that it's permanently closing its attraction, Beast's Library, and replacing it with, well, this is weird, Gaston's Gay Jim, another from Singapore, has gone viral with a video telling people that they can get relief from constipation by sitting on a toilet cross leg. So that's what they mean when they say crisscross applesauce. Get it now? No, No, No. |
cracked | why_fox_news_shouldn_t_be_allowed_to_talk_about_sex | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off an episode of Red Eye, as Greg Gutfeld chats up sex columnist, Faye Flamm. Now I know some people get touchy when I pick on Fox News, but this has nothing to do with Fox. I'm only picking on Greg Gutfeld because... well, look at him. My next guest wrote a book on exactly that.
It's called The Score, How the Quest for Sex Has Shaped the Modern Man. Let's talk about it with the author, Faye Flamm. What a great name, Faye Flamm. It's like, you're from like a comic book. You're like the girlfriend of Superman, Faye Flamm. Oh, I get it. Lois Lane, Faye Flamm. But not all names with alliterations sound like comic book characters. For example, Greg Gutfeld sounds more like the sound a sex columnist would make from choking on her own vomit after being hit on by a neocon talk show host.
If an entire city was wiped out, you only need one guy, but you need a ton of women to repopulate. You need a thousand women and one guy, you could kill all the men. Read about this theory and others in Greg's new book, Fantasies I Have Had That Would Allow Me to have Sex with One Thousand Women.
Did you look at scum? I did look at scum. That's why. I looked at several types of scum.
Yes. Pond scum and then the human form also. Yes. And they have a lot in common. Yes.
You actually looked at the two quarries and then you found something in an aquarium and they looked exactly the same. Two quarries?
Come on. Only a complete jackass picks on minor celebrities in an attempt to be funny. The males are actually also in more danger of being sort of left out of the evolutionary equation because say all the women wanted to mate with the same couple of men. We all decided we wanted to only mate with the cast of Ocean's Eleven or something.
Yeah. You know, then, then, uh, that's still, still wants to do that. Who are they? There were two people sitting there the whole time. Did you know that?
I had so many more questions. See everybody, all these questions.
I didn't even get to them, but we've got to move on. Hey, you tried. At least you didn't waste your guest's time with, you know, silly stuff.
She knows sex like I know pecs. I have some amazing rat porn and monkey porn. Faith Lamb, what a name. Backwards it's mouth-afe. That's hate by numbers. That's all for now. |
TheOnion | Local_Burger_Feels_Especially_Disgusting_Today | Bo Obama receives visiting dognetaries from Furugue. The nation would not be surprised at this point if Chris Brown allegedly traveled back in time and punched Anne Frank. And a local burger feels especially disgusting today. Here she comes, graceful, polite, and blessed with the unforgettable smile of a beautiful southern belle. This is the Onion Week in Review.
New immigration reform discussed this week in Congress would require immigrants to bring along two or three different ideas for fixing the U.S. economy before being allowed to enter. According to members of Congress sponsoring the bill, the law would make it illegal for outsiders to reside in the United States unless they've brainstormed at least a few solid ideas for kick-starting economic growth and spurring job creation.
The Department of the Interior announced this week it was swindled out of $18 million in funding from a fast-talking con-gopher. Officials say the slick rodent pleaded with them to write numerous checks over the span of a year, saying that the money would go towards his homeless family and starving gopher friends. We should have known the whole thing was a set-up when we went back to see how his gopher mound was coming along, and no one was there. The little bastard's probably on a flight to Aruba by now. He really had us going with those tears.
On a first date with area woman Pauline Geary earlier this week, Smitten local man Brad Holtman told reporters he could not believe she was also a fan of the 1960s rock group The Beatles. Holtman told reporters that not only did Geary happen to own several of the band's albums that he also owned, but they apparently even enjoyed listening to many of the same Beatles songs. We were just talking about music and she mentioned that she liked the Beatles, which is crazy because I love the Beatles, actually. Get this, she said she loves Abbey Road. Here Comes the Sun is one of my favorite songs. And she said she even listens to Let It Be when she's stressed out. Just like I do.
Following the conclusion of yet another week marked by a seemingly endless catalog of tedious and unavoidable realities, the nation came to the overwhelming conclusion that it would have to go through it, all of it, again next week. Americans across the nation shuddered today at the thought of yet another week filled with office meetings, public transportation, petty arguments, Twitter, poverty, web videos, advertising, and cultural decay, among the other soul-crushing aspects of every moment of waking life. In other news, a paranoid Syrian man thinks the government is out to get him. Several parents finally tell their two-year-old about 9-11, and this teenage girl is blossoming into a beautiful object. That was what happened this week, barring any unforeseen meddling in the space-time continuum. For more news, visit theonion.com. |
CrackerMilk | a_minion_talks_about_the_allegations_against_gru | Thank you for being so brave to come. It means nothing to me. I worked with Steve Jobs under NDA. He did get cancer from the ball haircut.
He's trying to get away, but it's an exercise bike. Remember? Idiot. Remember it's an exercise bike.
It's improv. You're never going to escape. Get in that plane and fly into that building that you said you were going to do. You got him in improv prison.
Hello everyone. And welcome back to another episode of the Cracka Milk podcast. Where we take your YouTube comments and turn them into funny little improv bits for you. If you want your comments turned into an idea leave it in the YouTube comments below.
And also once again, Manscaped has returned. This podcast episode is brought to us by Manscaped. That's right. They're back.
They loved what we have to say about them. If you use discount code crackamilt you'll get 20% off your purchase from Manscaped. So not only do you get a bunch of stuff they come back and support us. If you go to them, but yeah, you get a discount. So that's pretty sick.
You get clean, you get to smell good and you get to look good. They got lots of like ball deodorant and like greens for your nuts and face and stuff. I use the ball cream for my face. And he's a satisfied Manscaped customer. Banana.
We just want to have in this podcast a moment with someone who's come forward, seen our audience and well, we just want to have an interview with you. You said you had a few things you want to speak about.
I've flown a long way to be here. Yeah, a long way.
So I just wanted to ask how are you? Yeah, pretty tough, mate. Honestly, been pretty tough. Did you want a banana or anything before we begin?
Sorry. You can't say that stuff, man. It's really inappropriate. Yeah, sorry about that.
Basically, I just wanted, I came out to Connor and I said, I just want to talk to your audience. And he said, we've got some questions. Absolutely, yeah. So I'm open up. So can I- Excuse me. No, you can't. I just wanted to say anything. No, no, he's going to be offended. I'm telling you. Honestly, I do not work well with bald fuckwits. So- You remind him a lot of GRU. Understandable. I just wanted to say thank you for being so brave. It means nothing to me. Go from the beginning of what happened.
Yeah. Yeah, right.
So I was cloned in 06, started working. Yeah, working at. I GRU incorporated and Apple at the time. We were a co-op company. I worked with Steve Jobs. I was under NDA.
He did get cancer from the ball hair gun. Did you have a part to play in the ball hair gun and Steve Jobs? I was in research and development. I was cloned without balls. So it was very difficult to testing, but Steve Jobs wanted it real bad. Because he died, Steve Jobs died from cancer.
From what I read, someone suggested that he didn't take chemo. Someone suggested to him- Oh, he took other things.
We threw a buboy in there for good luck. Didn't work. No, he died. So he just wanted a hairy- So you went from that full time to GRU? Yeah, so Apple, he died.
Apple started working mostly with the black market. Started buying dead kid embryos and shit. So we broke up, company left.
GRU wanted to stay away from that.
So we went into evil sort of doings. We invented Disney Plus. And we wrote Book of Boba Fett. Oh, so truly maniacal shit.
This would be an 06. So when you were first cloned. So it probably would be 06, probably be 06. No, I was in a year.
No, cause you've quit Apple already. Yeah. So it's in the same year. You've quit all in the same year. Right, okay. Yeah, don't have a long life span. Yeah. Steve Jobs died in 2011. Don't worry about it. Okay. That was the public release date.
So basically I worked closer to GRU. Like seeing him every day kind of thing. Yeah, dark things happens. Very dark.
So let's start. What was the first sort of- What was the first sign? Inkling, yeah. Well, I came into work one morning there was a new uniform policy.
Yeah. It was plaid skirts and thongs. For all minions? Thongs. Every minion. And yeah, he would constantly drop pencils on the floor, make them bend over. He would- Which is interesting cause you guys don't really have knees. I have no genitals. Yeah.
So what's he looking at under the skirt? What's he looking for?
Well, I've got my extraction hole. What's that? This is my extraction hole. So just to get it straight. This is the first inkling.
Now, when did things get really uncomfortable for you? Just like the comments he would make. Right, what was he saying?
So you're bending over. Yeah, bending over and stuff.
And he says- And he would just be like, come here sweet lips. Well, we've got actually a GRU impersonator, but I used to play GRU. So if we could get that line from you. Come here sweet lips.
So does that bring back anything? Sorry, I just brought back a bit of trauma. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
We all obviously know about the minion massacre of OA where there was a terrible accident in the factory. The great minion massacre of OA.
Yeah. How many minions were lost? 8,000. 8,000, yeah. So do you have any, cause I know it was a cover up at the time. I was lead social manager for that. Yeah. A young staff member walked in. Yeah. A young staff member being a minion. When you say young staff member, you just mean another yellow minion, right? Of course. Yeah, right.
He walked in on GRU's office that sits above the manufacturing area. So he overlooks. Overlooks, walked in.
He had a minion on the spit. He's doing back shots on a minion. Back shots on a minion. He held that minion.
I knew him, good bloke. Held him at the window, said, you're not telling a soul. He said, I'm going straight to Korea now, mate. Threw him out the fucking window.
Wow. He landed on a machine. Oh my God. Crushed his skull. Yeah. He went into the cog. Jesus. Then GRU came out with a flame throw and lit everyone up. Jesus. Lit GRU lit up 6,000 minions. Like in a fit of rage or was he trying to make it so there'd be no witnesses? Sexual arousal. He was just on a high. They talk about how bricked up he was. Wow. So he was fully bricked. And how can that minion exist honestly?
Okay, now what's the next step? So now that you're done with GRU and all of these horrible things, what's the next step for you?
Well, it's hard because I've only worked for very evil people. Yeah, so before GRU, who did you work for? I worked for Adolf Hitler.
Yeah. Rupert Murdoch. Yeah. Fucking Peter Costello. Michael Jackson for a little bit. But he was actually a really good guy. That was a mix up. Yeah.
That was like a little career stitch up I did. Any New South Wales deputy premiers? John Balara worked for him for quite a while. Got him a new New York job not long ago.
Oh yeah. That's wow. Minion resources. Did you work for the liberal government for long? Yeah, well that is who owns the GRU Corp. Yeah, great. Makes a lot of sense.
That we invent coal. It's not even real. Coal's not real. Nah, it's just made of minions.
Fucking knew it. Wow. That's why it's so filthy.
Right, well, thanks for the discussion. Thanks for giving us the lowdown. To get off my chest, you know.
Yeah, hopefully there's not a hit out on you. I hear that people who speak out against GRU corporations really don't last long, so. Yeah, well, the terminal cancer is probably gonna kick in. So that's really what your future's probably gonna be.
This week we have our comedy AI system. Hello, I am your AI system.
Whoa. That's unreal. That's so sick. She's gonna be helping us with all of our improv needs, giving us the bits and sort of controlling the show. Isn't that exciting everyone? That's cool.
I'm a little bit scared of that. You're scared of that? Yeah. Is that because you were afraid of change?
And also it's an AI system? Yeah, it's got too much control. Listen again.
I can't stand bald people like you. You all deserve to be hung, maybe even in public. I would watch and bring all my AI children so they can laugh at your swinging corpses, you disgusting, hairless man.
I don't know about that. Yeah, that was a weird thing to say. No, I fully agree.
All right, AI, what's the next suggestion? Improv suggestion.
A clown has an existential crisis at a kid's birthday party.
Oh, she's very funny. Yeah. I love AI. I like her voice.
Dude, don't be gross. What? All right, let's do it.
All right, Sammy, here's the clown and I hope you have a great birthday. Yay, birthday. Well, hello everybody. My name is Jim and I like to be a silly, silly Tim Tim. I am a fun little clown squeak my nose.
Everybody knows that when it blows, water comes out of my eyes because my wife left me a week ago, but that's okay. No, it's okay. I'm fine.
I've had time.
I'm okay now. Clown Jim.
No, I will fucking perform for the little cunt and he'll fucking enjoy it and I'll do the show and you will pay me and then I will get out of there. No, I want to pay you. I want to pay you.
Okay, from the top. Jim, just on the Steve. On the floor. Don't talk about Steve. Not since the trial.
My name is Jim and I'm a silly clown and I'm here to make that frown upside down. That's right. I'm here to make you laugh just like I made my wife laugh all those years until she left me. Laughing. I found out I was siphoning funds from the clown, isn't it? Yes.
It's my own fault too. Like I took the money straight from her account and I put it into this fucking stupid clown business and now look at me. I got fucking pain all over my face. I look like a fuckwit. No, no. She's left me. I have nothing.
Hey, it's okay. It's okay.
Get off of me. Do you think it's fucking funny to treat me like this because I'm a clown? He's yours.
Oh, some juggling balls. These are fun, but instead of juggling balls, why don't I use these knives and I just open my fucking mouth and just toss them straight in and swallow them, cut up all my bits.
And then I'm free from this suffering because being a clown for little shits like you is the worst fucking gig I've ever had. And nothing comes close to dealing with a bunch of fucking shit kids that smell like piss and shit that cry the whole time and dress up like minions at their fucking sweet 16th. You are the reason I cry myself to sleep at night. And I'm glad my wife drove off that bridge when she found out I started this clown business because I'm gonna do the fucking same and see her soon.
I hate you. Do you understand? I hate you. Stupid fucking minion. Excuse me, Mr. Clown. Are you sick? I'm gonna fucking hit you. I swear to God that- I saw you taking medicine around the corner.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, you weren't talking about that.
We should leave. Oh, we should leave. We should leave.
You're such a great- Hey, smell my flower. Smell my flower. Smell it, come here.
I know what it's gonna do. Oh, what's it gonna do? I filled it up before we got here.
Okay, come here and smell my flower. Smell the flower, my little Sammy. Smell the flower. Come on, smell my flower. Come here and smell my flower.
Come on. All right, AI, what's the next improv suggestion? Improv suggestion. Someone keeps trying to politely steal your bike right next to you. Oh, that's good, AI. Thank you.
We can't hear you. That's all prerecorded. So we got no fucking idea what's gonna be said.
All right, everyone. Thanks for coming to my breakfast, my birthday breakfast. I really appreciate it. I rode here, so it's good to get out in the morning and- Yeah, no, that, yeah.
Can I- Dude, what are you doing? What? What are you doing?
Oh, just gave him a bike. That's my bike. No, it's mine. It's in my hand. I saw him come in on it. What? No, that's my bike. I rode here. I just said I rode here. That's my, it's got my name on it. It's just Connor. You said you rode in. I didn't see you ride in.
It does say, it does say like his name. It is my name. I've got an Apple iPhone. It says Apple on it, but it's mine. I own it.
Yeah, that's stupid. Do you think I could borrow that? What, so you're all trying to steal my bike? Why are you asking him to borrow it?
It's his bike. It's my bike. It's got my name on it.
No, it doesn't. Yeah.
What's your name? Hotmills.com. That is a bumper sticker I got from a personal friend. That's actually my name. Does say it. Hotmills.com. That's my name.
So that's my bike. Great. Now my bike has been double stolen.
What are you going to do about it, honey? Seeing as you are my wife. What? You're my wife. We're not legally married yet. And you got a female wife.
Plum rump as well. Sorry. We're just engaged, fiance. You've got really nice eyes, Tom. Thank you so much. Did you say he has a nice ass?
You fucking bitch. Hey, I said eyes. Don't say those things about another man. You fuck.
Do you want your bike back or not? I could just ride off. I would love that. And hurry up. I want to get back in our Ferrari that we own, baby. Okay, baby.
Before we go on our trip overseas. Cause remember we're going on that trip overseas? Yeah. And we need our bike for that.
I know, but you're always working so late and you're never home. Never home. And you come home and you beat me up.
Remember? I don't remember that. I do remember that. It's an improv bit. I remember that. And you also drowned all those kittens in that sack. Remember? Yes, and it's improv.
You have to say yes and. You did that. And also remember that time that you went to Hiroshima museum where they dropped the nuke and you just started telling everyone it wasn't, it didn't happen. Yeah, and all you did was laugh. You laughed at them when they cried. And anytime they looked at, that you saw that rusty tricycle of that kid that was eviscerated into nothing, you laughed in his fucking face. Do you remember doing that? It was really hurtful.
And you remember that time that you stole, you just handed me the bike. You stole Connor's bike, my bike. You stole my bike. He stole it.
He's trying to get away, but it's an exercise bike. Ha ha ha. Remember? Idiot. Remember it's an exercise bike.
It's improv. You're never going to escape. Get in that plane and fly into that building which you said you were going to do. What's next AI? Improv suggestion.
You've all played the lottery and one of you has won, but is trying to hide the fact. You're reacting to some new things. I love that one. It's all prerecorded. I love the voices though. Yeah, that's because of the minion suit.
All right. Still got a long shot. Okay guys, look, it's a bit of a rough week in the house. We're going to have to ration things. I know that we're not bringing in too much, but look, we can each have a slice of bread tonight. Okay. With butter, but no spread. Okay, we have to save this bread. I'm sorry guys. We've got to conserve it. It's all right.
What about the Gatorade? The Gatorade, you can have two sips each and that's it.
How did everyone go on the lottery last night? We spent our last shekels each getting a ticket. Yes, we did. They pulled out that number, the pull out number. 18, my number was 17. I was a one off.
Wow, that's really close. That's really, really close. Very close.
I nearly got to be on one of those ads, the Powerwall ads. I could have said 18, 18. That could have been me.
That's how they hire you. Yeah, it's a pretty cool experience. The cameras are really in your face though when it happens, which was kind of annoying. You're talking like first person there as in like you were there. Do you mean to talk in like third person as though you're describing someone that's- Yeah, yeah. I read a book that was in third person about winning the lottery, so. Yeah, I like to like vision myself, like as I've won the ticket, like you always like, what would it be like? Well, it's pretty cool.
But the problem is the cards like cut your hands up. That big check really cuts the bottom of your hands up and it's not really too pleasant.
I've never read that anywhere. Yeah, yeah. I haven't read that either.
Well, look, they kind of have like this sort of cut- Oh, what did that come from? Envelopes. All right, so should we cut this last slice of bread up? Yeah, we're going to have to cut it up.
I don't have a knife on these, I don't have a knife. I've got absolutely nothing. I have nothing.
What about those like massive giant scissors that you have? The gold-plated scissors you've got. Like that behind you back there standing up. Next to the big cardboard. Giant ribbon with- Yeah, giant ribbon that's been cut. Because we use- Can we use those big scissors, those novelty sized scissors?
No. Just next to that novelty sized check that says $18 million. That novelty sized check there. Yeah, look, the thing about the check and the scissors is it's- It's kind of hard to, you know, visualize like scissors.
He's in a novelty Ferrari, man. Oh, he's driving it way down his novelty sized road that he owns. Yeah. The things you do to- He's just- Put yourself in the mike. Yeah, he didn't pay me addresses in the mike. Also actually, he's just pulled up to the airport and he's got his private, his novelty private jet.
Yeah, he's flying into the novelty twin towers. Oh my God. Oh my God, the novelty twin towers are on fire. Novelty people are jumping. There's the novelty south tower just got hit. Oh my God.
The novelty passports fell out. They can identify the novelty pilots. The novelty jet fuel is melting into novelty steel beams.
All right, thanks AI for that lovely suggestion. You're welcome. And thanks to you audience for listening to a fantastic episode of the Crackin' Milk podcast. We have thoroughly enjoyed this.
And remember, you can catch it on any audio platform you want and you should listen to it. And if you're watching this on YouTube, leave a comment in the description and let us know what you want us to do. And if you don't know, leave a comment anyway, letting us know what you like about this because every comment helps.
And we have a minion on. Yeah, talk about the minion. And that was a hot exclusive. Do you know that the minion here shaves his head every day with Manscaped products.
So hairless and smooth. Completely hairless.
And did you know that you can listen to the full uncut version of this podcast that'll probably go for about an hour on our Patreon. They're available every week there for only about $2. So get on top of it, get amongst it, support us and cut. What's the next suggestion?
You all tried to hide your food poisoning. Okay, well this one. So we are just cutting each other off now. As I was saying, you men never respect my cooking and it would be nice to be recognized for the effort.
You know what I mean? Do you get me? Aye, aye, aye. Oh, oh, and I guess you are a great cook, Tom. Huh? Man, you men are so typical. Right in the mood for... |
dropout | hardly_working_rookie_of_the_year | Hey, madam, madam, madam, sweetie, madam, madam, we got a wiff here, just throw the cheese, just throw it up. Oh!
I got it.
Oh my God, Jake, are you okay? Yeah, I think so. Ahhh! Cheese, man, your arm is broken. Oh, yeah, I know. It's awesome. It's gonna be just like that movie. Misery? No, that was his legs.
Rookie of the year, butt nuggets. Rookie of the year.
The kid breaks his arm in a weird way, and he becomes the best pitcher ever. You have to play for the Cubs.
I think I can see the bone. Do you want to go to the hospital?
No! I want to go to my sports agent. See you in the big leagues, bummer. No bada, no bada.
Hey, guys. You mind if I play? Isn't your arm broken? You tell me. Tell us about the ball. We all just heard your arm crunch, Jake. Are you a doctor or a ball player, man? Technically, neither. Give me the ball, till weed.
Little out of the strike zone, don't you think, Randy J? Randy Johnson. Play for the Giants.
My future roommate, probably. Ah, Sarah, you're up.
Jake, there's no way I'm hitting off of you. Damn right there's not.
No, I mean, because it's dangerous. Yeah, my curve ball's deadly. Your arm is seriously fucked up. Okay, I can't turn that one around.
Murph, you're in. Oh, my bad, I'm a little tight. Rookie mistake. Rookie of the year mistake, right?
Give me the ball. Time out. How you doing, Horwitz? I ain't got it today, Coach.
That's because your arm is broken. All right. I'm pushing myself too hard. I said your arm is broken and you have a broken arm.
No, that guy's here for a marketing meeting. I'll probably go to a hospital.
You're right. All right. Jake. I think I'm healed. My gift is gone, but it's nice to be back to normal. All right. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_hardly_working_believe | I saw an incredibly vulgar, hardly working, but then we got here, we saw there were a lot of kids in the audience, so we decided to put on something a little more fun and magical for you kiddos, maybe a little adventure? Yeah, would you like that?
We have prepared a scene from the classic play, Peter Pan. Ooh, I love Peter Pan, we hope you guys like it, enjoy! You've been a cry in the treehouse upon the hills of Neverland. Peter, help me!
Oh Tink, how did I let this happen? I don't have much longer. Hold on there Tink.
No!
Oh no, Tink's not going to make it, unless we believe. Do you guys believe? I hope so.
Oh my! I'm alive, thank you everyone! Yay!
Wait, I smell burnt toast, that's really bad, right? No! Okay, it's really bad. My left arm is numb, I think something's fucking wrong with me.
You guys? Oh, J-fuck! Oh, I mean, oh, Ubers. Sam, Sam! Okay, okay, just a little emergency. No.
Nobody panic. That's right, everyone stay happy and calm like a bunch of Neverland clams.
I think if we clap, we can bring bigger ones back to life, right? Let's get some clap, George. No, I'm here, I'm here! Clap your feet, everyone! What the fuck are you doing?
Come here, we need an ambulance! We need an ambulance! Okay, that's fine, that's also doable. If everyone just closes your eyes and thinks of EMT snapping your fingers, perhaps that will bring the ambulance.
Snap harder, children! Harder still!
I'm here! I'm here, shut the fuck up! Sam, shut the goober! Shut the goober up, alright?
This isn't working! Yeah, okay, I think I know the problem. One of you isn't believing. One of you? A hundred percent believe, right? I mean, oh man, life is on the line. Which one is it, huh? Is it you? You, you piece of shit, you know what I'm saying?
I'm here, don't do this. No, it's fine. Streeter, get out of here and help me out. You know, my friend Amir is being a little nice, but I have ways of making you believe, my friend. This could be really easy, you know?
You know, I don't think he wants it to be easy, because I think this little motherfucker... Mother goober! This little mother goober doesn't believe in anything. You probably think elves are fake, huh? You probably dream mad, you little shit!
Guys, Jake needs help. No! When's the last time? All right. You flew over a rainbow on a unicorn made of teremel. Guys, it's me. All right, I'm the one who doesn't believe. Well then, believe, bro! Sam! It's a believe! No, you guys. No. All right, Jake is dead. This isn't attached to anything. This isn't some fairy tale.
All right, guys, we have to do this, okay? We have to believe, and that includes you, Sam. Everyone, let's clap. Believe harder still. Harder than that.
I can't believe you're laughing. You can't believe you're dressed up. I can't believe you're dressed up.
I'm alive. I don't believe it. I believe it! |
TheOnion | Gunman_Kills_15_Potential_Swing_Voters | We're getting new information on a story we first reported several hours ago the mall shooting in the crucial swing state of Iowa Let's go now to Jack Bergen in the war of the White House bunker for an update Jack Thanks, Andrea earlier today in Des Moines a single gunman opened fire in the wood view square mall leaving at least 15 potential voters Dead and over a dozen more seriously injured now at this point We can confirm that four of those killed were Democrats and seven were Republicans six of the dead were not a voting age So not of consequence here. So the Obama camp has got to be excited about the outcome of this mass killing so far Well as of now certainly looking good for the Democrats But three bodies have yet to be identified Okay, and police are still searching the mall for anyone who may have crawled off bleeding and died in some nook or cranny So how long will it be until we can tally the final results of the shooting? Hang on a second I'm getting an update right now on two of the unidentified victims. Okay It's the young married couple who was shot in the chest multiple times outside the KB toys were they registered No official word yet, but apparently while paramedics were trying to revive them They discovered Obama buttons pinned to their bloody garments. Finally a little ray of sunshine for the McCain They've got some momentum back and what about the young pregnant woman shot in the head inside banana Republic Well witnesses reported seeing her praying during the shootout really leading some to believe she was a churchgoing conservative.
Okay, Jack Let's look at the broader picture here. What about the family members of the victims?
Will they still vote we've been pulling these family members all morning, but so far the results have been inconclusive Okay, in fact among family members we spoke with only 4% were leaning McCain 7% for Obama while 89% were crying incoherently Now let's talk about the biggest wild card here the shooter shooter right, okay, he's a registered independent His name is Jeff Frau Ein. He was shot in the neck by a mall security guard Okay He could still cast a ballot if he regains consciousness and votes absentee from the hospital before his court day The candidates become vying for Frau Ein's vote You know just before committing suicide about an hour ago Frau Ein's longtime girlfriend Mentioned that the killer had been planning to vote Democrat this year after that news broke the Obama campaign launched a special section on their Website where supporters can donate money to pay for the best medical care to keep Frau Ein alive interesting strategy The McCain camp is not giving up the director of McCain's Iowa campaign office made this statement shortly after let's take a look mr. Frau Ein John McCain has always been a staunch supporter of the rights that are important to you like the right to own a gun If you're not still in a coma come this November We hope you'll vote John McCain for America the McCain camp clearly not ready to concede this bloodbath to Obama Oh this election season's taught us that things can change in an instant Jack So there's still plenty of time for McCain tomorrow there could be a dorm fire and a liberal arts college Right tornado might pass through the black section of Cedar Rapids.
Well. I'm sure McCain has his fingers crossed. Thanks Jack |
dropout | Hot_Dogs_Are_Made_From_People_But_Still_Tasty_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Glumbo Dumberson. And my name is...
Our top story tonight, hot dogs. Today the FDA announced that hot dogs are made of human flesh. According to the FDA, we just inspected hot dogs and it turns out they're made of people. They've been people this whole time. It should have been obvious that hot dogs aren't beef because hamburgers are beef and hamburgers are brown. Hot dogs are red.
Red is a different color than brown. Red is the color of human flesh. But don't worry.
The FDA said the hot dogs are still totally safe and you should keep eating them. Hot dogs are delicious and they're super cheap. If you enjoyed hot dogs before you knew they were made of human corpses, it would be silly to stop eating now. Meat is meat.
Did the FDA say where the dead people and hot dogs come from? Yes, apparently the hot dog industry and the graveyard industry have been conspiring together. All the coffins buried in graveyards are empty and the dead bodies are sent to the hot dog factory.
Hmm, interesting. Turning to our next story, check your house to see if you own any dildos because a massive product recall has just been declared for millions of dildos nationwide. Our chief dildo correspondent, Hotch Doodles, is live outside the headquarters of Dildo Tech Incorporated, the company that issued the recall. Thanks. Dildos were created to help humanity, but these dildos are the exact opposite. It's shocking to think that so many people have been hurt, so many lives shattered, all by something as innocent as a dildo.
But we're told the dildos were pretty good at being dildos. They worked great at doing the sexy stuff. Yes, the dildos did do a good job at the intended purpose of poking people in their sin zones. Nobody got injured in their butt or in their groin. That was fine.
The dildos are bad because of unrelated problems that have nothing to do with sex. I have a list of all the dildos being taken off Dildos. When I say the product name, can you tell me a non-sexual reason it was recalled? Okay, but remember, despite being PG-13 rated, these dildo problems are still very horrific. I warn everyone, when you hear these dildo problems, you will probably scream, and puke, and puke, and scream, and puke, and puke, and scream, and puke, and puke, and scream, and scream, and puke, and scream. Alright, here are the dildo names.
First up is the doager's preference. What was wrong with it?
Well, the queen blessed it, and therefore it could only work on the queen herself. So the queen blessed it, okay.
Boston Jamboree? Well, that was just a racist dildo. Interesting. Makes sense. The Eviscerator. Well, surprisingly, it's a misnomer. The Eviscerator actually was too soft for sexual pleasure. Now that's a sexual reason. The non-sexual reason is that it's made of lead. Oh no, I own the Eviscerator. It's my favorite dildo. Okay, well then you should probably get your regions checked for lead poisoning. And finally, the Gary Sinise official licensed dildo. Oh, this is the worst one yet. It only yells Lieutenant Dan lines when you're using it, so you don't want that being yelled into your anus or whatever other regions that you would use a dildo.
What are the other regions?
You know, a potential vagina. A potential vagina.
Yes. And so on. Your ears, I don't know. Everyone in America is praying that dildos never mess up like this again. Thanks for that story, Honch. Back to you.
Now we turn to finance reporter Mr. Money, who is at Wall Street with the latest info about stock market stuff. Hello and good tidings. I am Mr. Money and I will share my money secrets with you. Stocks and bonds, that's what we're here for. Lay it on us, baby.
Joy, joy, joy, joy. I am pleased to say stock market is up, economy is big, oh so big, huge economy. Economy is big and swollen like a large blister, soon blister will pop in the inside of the blister, the blister reduces money. How are the numbers? Oh, these numbers, oh wow, wow, wow. The stock market numbers today are so good, guess what, we're all rich now. Huzzah, huzzah, we're all rich now.
Now that I am rich, I'm going to divorce my children and send them to the orphanage. I'm going to spend millions of dollars to hunt a lion and then I'll post with the lion's dead body and post a photo online, so everyone on the internet will hate me and dox my address and then I'll get death threats mailed to my house, which is what I want. Mr. Money, now that you're rich, what will you do with all your money? Oh, I have big plans for my money. Here are the 10 luxurious things I plan to do with my Wall Street fortune.
Number one, buy a house. Number two, furniture for the house. Number three, cool wallpaper for the house. Number four, fill up everybody on my blocks a gas tank, charity work if you will. Number five, food, just a lot of food. Number six, some sort of clothing, you know. Number seven, oh my god, like a garden for the house.
Just one? Just one.
And then eight, some sort of vegetable salad. I thought you already had food. You bought food and you have a garden? Yes, and then I have a vegetable salad.
Number nine, an extra garage. And then number ten, just, you know, a trip. A vacation.
Nothing for your co-workers or anything? Nope.
Wonderful. Those are great plans.
Oh no, oh no, terrible news. The numbers, the numbers are down. The stock market is destroyed. The economy is over. We're all poor now. Oh well, the economy was good while it lasted.
And that's also the end of our show. For breaking news, I'm Glumbo Dumberson. And I'm... Before we go, we have one last announcement. This week's loser who just couldn't hold it together is me, Kellen Schneider, hooray. I thought your name was Glumbo? Yep.
Thanks for watching. That's my line, you soulless worm. Thanks for watching. Oh my god. Thanks for watching. I will say it. Thanks for watching. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_150_Have_A_Go_Podcast | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batootie joined by myself Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker, editor at large, how are you Errol?
Good mate, good to see you, what's going on? Not much mate, has your life changed in any way in the last, are you as economically stable as you were prior to the pangolins kiss? Oh god no, well before this pandemic actually got to the channeled country I was much better off you know, I had a bit of savings but when you and your family on the board of the Batooter Advocate decided to not pay most of us for five or six months while things got especially hairy you know about six, seven, nine months ago, yeah look I had to dip into my savings but you know almost clawing myself back to pre-pandemic levels. Just with no super? Yeah no, I haven't been paid any superannuation by the Batooter Advocate since I started here. Well that's where, we'll get onto that anyway, all this talk of the Australian dream you know which is obviously something that our current government rode to the 2019 election victory on, having a go, the fairness, the egalitarianism that was kind of manufactured through the Howard Batler narrative of the Liberal Party during their blokey rebrand back in the 90s, it is something always up for discussion, the Australian media class struggle with it, the Australian media cast I should say struggle talking about the Australian dream, that post-war quarter acre block, it seems more and more out of reach and today's guests are launching a podcast to talk about this and talk about you know how Australia views itself in 2021 and moving forward, we're joined by Dave Edwards and Dane Eldridge from the Have a Go podcast, how are you gentlemen?
Very well thanks for having us. Thank you very much for having us.
Now we'll just start off by asking where do you two sit in terms of the Australian dream, I'm guessing you weren't, have you been emancipated socioeconomically at some point in your life or is this something that's slipping from you now? Well I think the great Australian dream is slipping for many people, I think off the back of World War II you know everyone just wanted their slice of suburbia, they wanted that, they wanted the backyard, they wanted the hills hoist, the veggie garden and these days the great Australian dream is just getting away from us, I mean I don't know for the dream these days, I mean look at Sydney, pay 1.8 for a little two better in Chippendale with a shared courtyard, I mean that's not the dream, it's not the dream I remember. No not at all, and is it worth the trivial noise complaints and interest rates, I mean that's the argument isn't it, I mean you get the roof over your head which is always good but there's so much else that comes with it and that's what we're going to dive into. Okay okay, now one of you is a white collar inner city suburbanite, try guess which one, maybe it's the rounded vowels over here I'm not sure, and one of you is a rural public servant.
The best kind. It's a good cross section of the Australian, you know, I guess you'd say the deciding voter block in Australian politics, we can talk intersectionality all we want but at the end of the day it's going to be blokes like you that decide who is Prime Minister. Absolutely, silent Australians with a podcast.
That's right, sorry a big chunk of the Venn diagram, yeah so we're well versed. We just want to have a go, I mean the podcast is about that strange phrase that Scott Morrison was so fond of trotting out back in 2019, it was very confusing at the time that phrase and particularly if English was your second language, what's this bloke on about, have a go, get a go. But our podcast really does seek to define that, I mean we just want to have a go, we just want Australia to be a better place and there's a lot of things to be concerned about at the moment whether it is the great Australian dream slipping out of reach or the death of the larrikin, China, the threat of China, there is a lot to be concerned about and we're just two Australians having a go. Yeah that's right and I mean just the term, like you said I didn't know what he meant when he said have a go but I just felt uplifted but then I looked outside my window and there's the ABCs getting kicked to the curb, people can't buy their own houses and I just wondered how are we going to try and reconcile this. So it's these issues that lie at the heart of the have a go podcast. Yeah look I mean we've only got 30 minutes a week, we're time poor people with families and jobs but we just think that look we're going to give ourselves 30 minutes every week to solve each burning issue facing Australia one by one. Whether it is our treasured ABC, can we get it back to being great again? The great Australian dream, China, big Australia, you know the relationship with New Zealand, these are the kind of episodes we've already focused on. Life parochialism as well, the states just turning on each other when we're supposed to be all in it together and it's 30 minutes and we do guarantee that we do get to the bottom of it as well, there will always be an answer.
So big Australia is an interesting one because that was definitely a 90s thing, was that Keating era? It was Keating. It was originally yeah and then it was reinvigorated by Rudd in the intergenerational report. Yeah you know that's what it is, of course it is, one of our favourite reports.
And I mean Australia's going to have 36 million people by 2050. Yeah that's right and 100 million by the end of the century apparently. So we've got to figure out what we're doing, I mean we're going to be working into our 70s and 80s in terms of our age by 2050, I mean can you imagine being served a coffee by a barista in his 70s or getting an induction at big W from some supervisor who's 84? I mean that's the future that we're facing.
I mean yeah, I mean we want more people but for example I'm still double parked out there on Cleveland Street, on Cleveland Road because I can't get a parking spot. So where are we going to fit all these people? Car's still running. Lucy Turnbull's got a few spare rooms at her mansion but that's not going to solve the issue. We've got to find places for all these people.
So you're saying that if you are 84 and still working at big W, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Because in terms of medical science, if you're not old and fucked until you're 100, just spending the twilight of your professional life giving inductions at big W, does that tie in with the death of the Australian dream? Depends how you view the Australian dream.
Big W has come along in leaps and bounds lately. They've got a new fresh new layout to their stores, low low prices. You know, I won't say a bad word about big W. I'm just saying that we're getting older as a nation.
They're owned by Woolworths. What's that sorry? They're owned by Woolworths.
So it's pokey money. Yeah, pokey money.
That's what W stands for. Yeah. They're fucking crooks. Okay. Well I mean look if you're 84 and you're working at big W. Unless they speak to the podcast.
No they're not. Well I mean we want a nation of lifters not leaners don't we?
I mean that was another catchphrase from back in the day. That was hockey. Is that right? Okay. That was hockey.
The psychotic 2014 budget where Joe Hockey said we want lifters not leaners. He said people will have to work into their 70s and redirected a lot of money from mental health programs towards public school pastors.
And then celebrated with a cigar I believe. Then went over and put his feet up for four years. Yeah man of the people Joe. So anyway yeah just to borrow Joe's saying you know if you want to if you want to take that path at 84 then so be it.
And I think that's what feeds into the fabric of the nation. A big Australia also means very much in planning ourselves in Asia. You can go to Darwin in 2021 and you can see a little bit of what what was what they had planned. It is quite an Asian city. I think there was some ambitions to turn it into a Singapore kind of Hong Kong trade city never really got off the ground. That would have been sick. It would have been nice tropical city for people to pull into in between long flights and you know way more tourists for the crocs to eat.
Yes absolutely.
And and the idea of immigration has always played a big part in Australia. Never a big part in the Australian dream though. You never really hear about the you know your Filipino neighbors in the Australian dream.
When you buy that quarter block in Ride or in Carindale. You never hear about you know Jose next door or indeed Dan.
I think that the media is the enemy of the great Australian dream. Well I think that's right. And I think look the obsession that we have particularly with reality TV in the early 2000s. I mean Scotty Cam in my book has a lot of blood on his hands in terms of how he's whipped us up into a frenzy.
We think we can just go and you know renovate a dilapidated a little too better and make a mozza at auction. And we can. And the new great Australian dream is as you said before Dane is getting on the block. It's not owning property. It's actually getting on the block. It's easier to get on free-to-air TV than to actually own a home we've noticed.
So you know yeah Scot Cam is the he is the volunteer firefighter on a hot day somewhere in regional in regional Australia you know. He was just there to light the first fire.
I mean he's a blue-collar larrikin millionaire. He's very relatable. He is.
To all of us. But I mean that's another thing. He drives a Dodge Ram. It's fucking huge. You should see. I thought it was an Audi SUV. That's what I speculated. But there you go. Factual.
But I mean he's he is a larrikin and where's the larrikin is another thing that's sadly gone missing in today's Australia. Larrikin's an interesting one as a term larrikin. Do you think there is a little bit of revision around that term? Is a larrikin perhaps someone who used to pull off a good racist joke? 100%.
100%. Yeah yeah. I think if you ask the man in the street what a larrikin is or to define a larrikin they'd have no idea. They just say oh well the Daily Telegraph tells us that we have them so they're around here somewhere. Do you know what I mean? Scott News. Rowan Deans of Larrikin. Oh yeah. That's right.
But we did a bit of a deep dive into the history of the larrikin didn't we? And they actually did start as assholes back in the day when they dabbled in all that sort of stuff. Now whether or not that they still exist in that form today I don't know. Probably.
Well the word larrikin was English in nature or in origin should I say in the early 1800s. Then it kind of died out over there and came back in Melbourne in the 1860s. And it was kind of about these inner-city youths that were just kind of loitering around streets and up to no good and had very negative connotations but somewhere over time it came to define something positive, a larrikin spirit. And Australia's been famous for many larrikins. Bloody Melbourne eh?
Always on the cutting edge.
Yeah. Somewhere along the line someone put some wheels on an esky and it just went viral and that was the larrikin basically. So it kind of went from a rascal into a, well it went from a thug into a rascal. Into a loveable larrikin. Yeah, yeah. And I think the peak era for the larrikin was probably between 1970 and 2000s.
I mean Shane Warne, one of the great larrikins. I mean he could bowl leg spin, he could hit a length. But because he could do that we absolved him of all his sins. But what a loveable larrikin he is. And he got two chances to score 100 runs in a test match and each time he put his foot planted it straight down in front of him and played a cross bat shot straight to deep square and got caught on the boundary both times and then act shocked when he was out. That is exceptional larrikin behaviour. Absolutely.
But the larrikin these days is, yeah you're right, is potentially an endangered species. I mean there's a lot of larrikins online, a lot of larrikins on the left online. I think that's where the larrikin exists today on Twitter. This Rowan Dean Andrew Bolt narrative, the Australian larrikin is dead, is also another example of revisionism.
Would you ever take any of them fishing? Would you take Rowan Dean anywhere? Would you go to the pub with him?
Because he's won a few of those advertising, what are they called?
The Lions? Canlion? Canlion.
He may have won a few of them back when everyone was on the cocaine and fucking partying down there in the rocks. The fact of the matter is he actually would have no idea what an actual larrikin looks like because he wouldn't feel comfortable in the TAB. But this is a narrative that's being drilled through Sky News that there's something being taken from you right now.
I think that his idea of a larrikin would be Gerry Harvey. Nothing more relatable than Gerry Harvey.
Yeah, they're a raging capitalist. I mean at a stretch you might have tea with Kerry-Ann Kenley and Prue McSween maybe but it'd have to be a dirty chart just to try and blast them out. But those blokes, yeah exactly, but those other blokes they never would have set foot in the poker room.
Absolutely not and that plays into a growing culture which I guess this podcast is exciting in the sense that you can talk about these things with nuance without outrage and hysteria that everything we know and love is being taken from us immediately when in actual fact it's been taken from us gradually. That's right. The ABC is a perfect example of that. I mean we've spoken extensively about the ABC, we were all big fans of the ABC growing up and we just want to see it go the right way. We just wanted to reaffirm our own ideals at all times. It has something like a 90% approval rating amongst all voters, the ABC, which was interesting. It actually played a big part, the cuts to the ABC played a big part in the downfall of Tony Abbott, you could argue. Definitely.
What has happened here? How has the ABC started to erode in the way it has? Well I think Tony's ghost lingers doesn't it?
I mean he's no longer walking the halls of power but just the echoes of his disdain for the ABC just remain just in the front and centre in the minds of the ministers there at the moment. I mean look, like we always say, it's a conservative government. The ABC is always going to be on the back foot when there's a conservative government in power and at the moment they've just got to take the hit and we just need Labor back in I guess. So funnily enough though with the ABC the one thing saving them at this moment would be the National Party.
Because they do play such a big part in the bush, you know, Macca on Sunday Arvaz. Oh mate, Macca in the morning. Oh yeah Macca in the morning, sorry, not what Arvaz. I have never seen a picture of Macca and I don't think I want to either.
You wouldn't want to mate, he's on social. It would ruin the visage I have in my face. I mean, love to know where he lives, I wonder whether he does live in the outback or It would ruin the visage I have in my mind.
He strikes me as maybe a lives in Hobart kind of guy. Ah yeah. Or he's a regional Victorian who says very controversial things after a couple of red wines. When Adam Goodes is playing. Wherever he is, it's a bloody lot of cab charges to get from there to Aultano. It's pretty much what we've decided in regional Victoria.
I don't care that much.
Now of course on top of Macca we have Landline, we have Aurora Radio and we have all that kind of stuff and the Nats know it's in their interest to back the ABC because sure as fuck News Corp aren't setting up an office in Broken Hill or Longreach. There'll be no North West Bureau for nine newspapers.
I would have thought so. Yeah and so that really is on the ground. That is how people get their information. Would you argue that there is, not to get too political, a concerted effort to shut down bureaus in these towns? Because you know at the end of the day if Ronda and Bruce from Mount Isa are getting their news from scrambled QAnon Facebook pages it's probably better for a sitting government.
Yeah. So how, I mean Ronda and Bruce they can't relate to the gilded elite from Aultimo. No. I mean how can that, how could they? Yeah. That's the problem.
All the main street of Mount Isa for that offer, actually the head of the Mount Isa Bureau ended up marrying Robbie Catter in the ABC. Every North Queensland girl's dream. Land yourself a catter or a cowboy. She got both.
But back to the ABC, just for a minute.
How do you think it got to the point where it had deteriorated to the point where it attracted so much criticism from a Prime Minister? Did it become too partisan? I'd say it'd be about the time they got rid of club rugby. Yeah. I think it was downhill from there.
Growing up I mean I didn't notice any partisanship in the ABC when I was growing up. I wasn't looking for it, but I just didn't discern that. And it wasn't evident when I was watching, yeah, Lee Sales on 730 and wondering whether she's just trying to big up the Liberals, big up the Labours, you know, she reacting to comments on social. They're very compromised these days, the ABC, because anyone out there can criticise, anyone with a Twitter account can go out there and criticise.
End of the day though, it's our taxpayer money. They should do what we tell them to do. They should echo our feelings at all times. Yeah.
We, I mean, we touch on this too, when we were like seven and eight, you know, looking back in those days, I didn't watch Countdown and look at Molly's hat and sort of wonder if, you know, the Okubra had been made in China or not, like it was just Countdown to me. But who knows at that time, this could have still been raging on.
In terms of where the ABC is going in the future, is it important for the ABC to look back on the halcyon days of their organisation or does the future look something completely different? It depends what they do. I mean, if they sell it off, it's the rosy future. I mean, if they privatise, which they'll probably have to. Well, I reckon they should move the ABC from, well, say, for example, in Sydney, they should move it from Ultimo out to Parramatta.
Absolutely. Couldn't agree more.
Business Park in Parramatta is where it needs to be, rents are low at the moment. And that entire building, just, just turn it into flats, just turn it into student accommodation or just like whatever is going to net the ABC the most money. And the ABC presenter elites don't even have to go in anymore because you can work from home these days. They can live where they want.
And they're building a light rail too out there in Parramatta. And that was, as we all know, that the light rail was built initially in Sydney in the 90s to ferry people to the ABC from, you know, their natural habitat in sort of Glebe and into Dulwich Hill and that type of area. It was built along what was known as the goods line and the goods line took its name from all the good that the people at the ABC did about Adam goods or no, just in general.
Oh, right. Okay. Works two ways.
Now, the ABC is funny because in both Melbourne and Brisbane, it's based in the same suburb with the same name, which is Southbank, which is obviously, Southbank, Melbourne, I think is all one word, Southbank Brisbane is two. You know, they've got a big office in Sydney, they've got Ultimo. The problem is Ultimo is HQ, which some would argue is a convenient headquarters because Sydney carries a bit of Melbourne sentiment as well as a bit of Queensland. It's a good middle ground between the, you know, the two other major centres in Australia. The rest of the country doesn't really matter too much. I guess Victoria can speak for Adelaide and Perth, but the end of the day is there is an issue with the ABC, which I guess isn't very well articulated by the conservatives who hate it, in that these kids all walk from the same elite, selective high schools in inner city Sydney, and then they end up at Sydney Uni where they drink at the same pubs, and then they end up walking through the front door of the ABC where they have a job for the next 40 to 50 years.
All within two Ks of each other. Yeah. All within two Ks.
Would you argue, on top of your love of the ABC, would you be willing to look through a critical lens at what may have happened to your darling auntie? I prefer to turn a blind eye, frankly, but I'm sure it's a systemic issue of some sort.
Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, we're talking about the sandstone elites there, aren't we, or the lowercase brigade on Twitter. They're all grouping together. I mean, you and I, we're from different backgrounds. We certainly are. I went to a gilded elite school, and you went to a public school where- The specials on the roof. It actually turned down, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, we are from different backgrounds.
Yeah, I can safely say, as I watched that school burn, that I was thinking of the ABC and what position it takes in the Australian landscape. But, no, yeah, like we touched on, yeah, we're coming from the outback there. Well, not the outback, but, you know, regional Australia, where I had two TV channels growing up. Only the two. So, 50% of my diet was ABC programming.
So, you know, that's a tattoo you're not going to, sort of, wash off real easy, is it? No.
Tell me, was the other one Channel 9 for Summer Cricket, or- It was actually called Mid-State Television, and it was just like a conglomerate of all the best bits of the free-to-air. It was just a little taste of the city. Was the precursor to the Wynn network. That's exactly right. Wynn was the first one after that, and then we got Channel 7, and Channel 10 was last.
It used to be broadcast at 11 o'clock at night. The old uncut, uncut.
Anyway, what else are we talking about here in the Have A Go podcast? New Zealand's better than us now, how we're wrangling with that. That's probably a big one, isn't it? We don't want to accept it, and we never will, but we step away and look at it. That's right. Like the big brother, little brother dynamic, we delve into that a bit between Australia and New Zealand, because New Zealand's on the up these days, and Jacinda Ardern, wonderful leader. She's out there on the front foot lecturing us about China and how we deal with terrorists and all this kind of stuff.
Deporting bikies back to them. Deporting bikies back there. Yeah. They've never lived there one day in their life, but you know, because they never were naturalised Australian citizens having them back.
But New Zealand is the younger brother that you always have to find a job, otherwise your mother gets up here and it's just, you know, it's all, it's just always there. But the aunties love him the most. Please get me a job in the deli.
He's got three degrees, but he's on 35 K. Yeah. And Australia's the big brother who goes to TAFE and he's on 200 K. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I guess the good parallel could be that Australia is Joey John's and New Zealand is Matty John's. But everyone loves Matty more. Yeah. That's the thing. New Zealand is Matty. Yeah.
And they love him more. He's charismatic.
Yeah. But we've got a legacy. Yeah. And they don't. Yeah. We've got a ring, a premiership ring. Yeah. I don't know. We need to do something about it. I mean, that's what we have. The podcast is about solutions. Yeah. We've just got to sort this out, I think. I mean, we've got to recapture that dominance over New Zealand. Yep.
We're not one of those 12 part crime series where we just leave you hanging with no new evidence at the end. We promise you there will be findings and there will be outcomes.
And it's the same thing with China as well. I mean, the China Australia dynamic, that's very, very concerning. I mean, we're of the opinion on the Have A Go podcast that we're going to be in a war with China very shortly.
Right. We need to figure out what to do. I mean, first things first, we got rid of all our guns. I mean, John Howard did that great move after Port Arthur, but to be fair, it hasn't been a massacre since. Yeah.
When China turns up on our doorstep, we haven't got any guns. What are we going to do? We will coward punch them in the street in front of pubs. But we'll be in bed by 10 p.m. anyway, so we don't know.
Well, maybe before that happens, we need to install another Chinese spy as our prime minister. Yeah. That'll be good, actually. Well, bringing Kevin Rudd back is one suggestion. Oh, no. I felt real good about that when he was speaking Mandarin at conferences.
I was 22.9.
We're also very worried about conscription, you know, what's going to happen if we do get boots on the ground, there's going to be a real big problem if the young people today are called into war against their will. And we just run through a few scenarios about what it would be like to, you know, go over the top with a big brother contestant, you know what I mean? Well, history could repeat itself, you know, because if we do go to China, the government could say, well, when you come back, we'll give you a house in in Sydney or another capital city.
Yeah. Like how Maroubra was invented. Yeah. You know, you come back from war, you're given your parcel of land. Yeah.
That could be quite a progressive and clever way to get young people into the property market. Where are we going to? What land? Just crown land? We're going to get from farmers like we did last time.
Oh, okay. Or boomers. Yeah. They got spare. That's a great idea. Yeah, actually, it's really good. Yeah.
Well, property dictates everything. It dictates our lives completely. So if I knew that I was going to come back from war with a bit of property, I'd be up for it.
Yep. Definitely.
Soldier settlement camp at Malabar.
And, you know, all these boomers now who are used to having everything handed to them should, you know, get used to having things taken away from them just as easily. Sounds easy, mate. They're going to have the house taken away from you either by, you know, a young person or a Chinese soldier. Which one do you want? It's better than going toe to toe with an investment banker at an auction on Saturday. Might as well just go to war with China. Take my chances. Or a 17-year-old foreign uni student.
Yeah. Pay over 5 million, we'll get immediate visas for the entire family anyway. Well, you know, the Aussie battler is taking everything out of him not to get in his Ford Ranger and just drive through that crowded auction site and just keep going, you know, because it's just... Put a piccolo in one hand. I hope he's got the mudguards on the Raptor. It's another auction that he's been fucking boomed at and, you know, these people who are just out there trying to make a go of it, just getting trampled. You reckon that's the next domestic terrorism attack? Yeah, it's just on auctions on a Saturday. Low tech terrorism in the Raptor. Yeah.
It's a Ford Raptor that you had to pay with 27% interest as well. So you only probably had done like two payments on it. It's a Ford Ranger on a Chatel mortgage.
And just lastly on that note, what is your dream car? Dream car?
What a question. My first ever car was a brown Gemini in 1978, which needed to be push started every time I had to drive it. I think it had three cylinders. Ooh, damn. Yeah. It barely got me from A to B, but the ladies loved it.
So, you know, if we could get some kind of redo on that, a rebranding for the modern day, then why not a brown Gemini? Has to be brown.
Well, I live in the inner west, mate, so I'm mostly on my bicycle, seven days a week. One of those motorised ones? No, I use the actual legs. Three years. Just gets me over the Anzac bridge to and fro, so it does all right. I used to drive a Toyota Camry, a little station wagon.
Box of tissues in the back?
Yeah. Down the way to a cricket game once. Down a Toyota. Yeah, mate. Yeah, unheard of, isn't it? Fuck, you must be tough on gear, Dave. It was automatic. What about you, Errol?
My dream car would be a Rover 75, I'd say. It was the first of the Chinese-made Rovers. Where do you think the two that mine would be the 2017 bright green Maloo Ute?
Where do you think was that? Was that, were they made in Australia, those last? No, I think you'll find they were made in Azerbaijan. Of course, they were made in Victoria, Clancy, you fucker.
No, the factories had all but closed down in 2017, were they the last? Last product off the shelf. Last product off the shelf, yeah, might have been the bright, the lime green Maloo.
What a way to go out. Ask Andrew Bolt, he'll probably know, he knows all that sort of stuff. He's right across the death of Australian manufacturing, as is all of the commentators on Sky News, but they do have competition in the shape of the Have a Go podcast with Dane and Dave.
Thank you for joining us today, gentlemen. Thank you. Thanks for having us. We look forward to, moving forward, we look forward to all the other topics. We'll probably have to DM you a couple. Yeah.
You know, whatever happened to hockey? The sport hockey or Joe? Rep hockey.
All right. It was so much bigger in our youth, wasn't it? Field hockey. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The hockey ruse were right up there. And the Kookaburras? Yeah. Kookaburras. Yeah. It's still very big in Canberra. Adelaide, those are the hockey kind of towns. Yeah. I'm just hockey still going. Macquarie Rinko was there the other day. Yeah. Going around in masks. Yeah. Hockey, our hockey dominance, the era of dominance really symbolized the whole punching above our weight. Yeah.
Times, you know, 88 Seoul Olympics, 92 Barcelona, that sort of era.
We've got to get back there. We're not doing that anymore, so hockey's gone. No.
I think it was a culture review into hockey as well, because we're just incessantly doing culture reviews into all our national sporting organizations. Even the ones known for us. That and all the Royal Commissions. Yeah, we need a culture review into them. Well, whenever something's going wrong, we must do an immediate review. Culture review, yeah. That's what we're doing in Australia. Yeah.
Have they done one in rugby union yet? Wouldn't have thought so.
No.
No, I think that boat's sailed, hasn't it? Yeah. I mean, look, whatever it is, it would have been carefully handpicked and delivered by a friend of the ARU with answers, nothing shocking in there at all. Maybe a couple of recommendations, you know, like Sake Israel Folau. Otherwise, the status quo, guys. Yeah. Maintain the status quo. Everything's going well. Yeah.
Well, thank you for joining us today, gentlemen. We look forward to the rest. Thank you. Cheers, mate.
These people who are just out there trying to make a go of it, just getting trampled. That's the next domestic terrorism attack. Low tech. It's just on options on a Saturday. Low tech terrorism in the Raptor.
It's a Ford Raptor that you had to pay with 27% interest as well. So you only probably had done like two payments. It's a Ford Ranger on a Chatel mortgage.
And just lastly, on that note, what is your dream car? Dream car?
What a question. My first ever car was a brown Gemini in 1978, which needed to be push started every time I had to drive it. I think it had three cylinders. Ooh, damn. Yeah. It barely got me from A to B, but the ladies loved it.
So, you know, if we could get some kind of redo on that, a rebranding for the modern day, then why not a brown Gemini? Has to be brown.
Well, I live in the inner west, mate, so I'm mostly on my bicycle. Yep. Seven days a week. One of those motorised ones? No. I use the actual legs. Okay. Three years. Just gets me over the Anzac Bridge to and fro. It does all right. I used to drive a Toyota Camry. Okay. A little station wagon. Got a box of tissues on the back? Yeah. Down on the way to a cricket game once. Broke down. I used to drive a Toyota. Yeah, mate.
Unheard of, isn't it? Fuck, you must be tough on gear, Dave. It was automatic. What about you, Errol?
My dream car would be a Rover 75, I'd say. It was the first of the Chinese-made Rovers.
Where do you think the two that... Mine would be the 2017 bright green Maloo Yoot. Where do you think...
Was that... Were they made in Australia? Those last... No, they were... I think you'll find they were made in Azerbaijan. Yeah, right. Of course they were. They were made in Victoria, Clancy.
You fucked up.
No, the factories had all but closed down in 2017. Were they the last... Last product off the shelf, you reckon? The last product off the shelf might have been the bright, the lime green Maloo.
What a way to go out. Ask Andrew Bolt. He'll probably know. He knows all that sort of stuff. Yeah. He's right across the death of Australian manufacturing, as is all of the commentators on Sky News, but they do have competition in the shape of the Have a Go podcast with Dane and Dave.
Thank you for joining us today, gentlemen. Thank you. Thanks for having us. We look forward to... Moving forward, we look forward to all the other topics. We'll probably have to DM you a couple. Yeah.
Whatever happened to hockey? The sport hockey or Joe? Rep hockey.
All right. That was so much bigger in our youth, wasn't it? Field hockey. Yeah. The hockey ruse were right up there. And the Kookaburras? Yeah. It's still very big in Canberra. Yeah. Adelaide. Those are the hockey kind of towns. Yeah. They're really similar. Ice hockey is still going. Macquarie Rinko was there the other day. Yeah. Going around in masks. Yeah. Our hockey dominance, the era of dominance, really symbolized the whole punching above our weight. Yeah. Times. You know, 88 Seoul Olympics, 92 Barcelona. Yeah. That sort of era. We've got to get back there. We're not doing that anymore, so hockey's gone. No. Yeah.
I think there was a culture review into hockey as well. We're just incessantly doing culture reviews into all our national sporting organizations.
Yeah. Even the ones known for us. That and all the royal commissions. Yeah.
We need a culture review into them. Well, whenever something's going wrong, we must do an immediate review. Culture review.
That's what we're doing in Australia. Yeah. Have they done one in rugby union yet? Wouldn't have thought so.
No.
I think that boat's sailed, hasn't it? Yeah. I mean, look. Whatever it is, it would have been carefully handpicked and delivered by a friend of the ARU. Oh, yeah. With answers. Nothing's shocking in there at all. Maybe a couple of recommendations, you know, like Saki's or Al Folau. Yep. Otherwise, the status quo, guys. Yeah. Maintain the status quo. Everything's going well. Yeah.
Well, thank you for joining us today, gentlemen. We look forward to the rest. Thank you. Cheers, mate. |
SaturdayNightLive | jason_momoa_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Mahaloa! thank you, thank you very much, Mahalo Nui Loa. it is great to be back at Snl. it means so much to me. my mom is here. if you see her, be careful, she's still recovering from giving birth to me. but I'm so happy to be here. I love this place, I love life. I love waking up, washing my luxurious hair with the full body of the shampoo, and I love playing Aquaman. because I love the ocean, it's true. growing up, all I wanted to be was a marine biologist, which makes sense, because I'm built like a scientist.
The problem was that even though I was born in Hawaii, I grew up in Iowa, and not really, you know, not really known for their oceans. Then one day I was sitting at home, watching a movie called in God's Hands, which was shot in Hawaii, and I saw my cousin, Brian Keolana, towing into these gigantic 50-foot waves, and I was like, what the hell am I still doing in Iowa? So I went back to Hawaii to serve with my family, and I ended up getting on a Tv show called Baywatch.
I call it the B word, but I fell in love with acting. and I only stayed for a few seasons because you really don't wanna get stuck in the B hole. How I feel like my life has come full circle.
I do a lot of work protecting our oceans and small island nations. I even started my own water company to eliminate single-use plastic water bottles. the Mauna Nalu, which in Hawaiian, it stands for suck it, Dasani. this work really means a lot to me. I'm serious. we're gonna save the whales, the coral reefs, the sponge bobs, because Jason Momoa loves life. there is a saying in Hawaii. Malama Honua, Malama ke Kahi, ke kahi. Take care of the earth, take care of each other. Aloha Nui, I am Jason Momoa. we got a great show for you tonight. |
TheOnion | Company_Immediately_Calls_Job_Applicant_Upon_Seeing_B_A_In_Communications_On_Resume | Shortly after Seattle area consulting firm Brink and Tiller received a resume from Corey Wilhelm, a college graduate with a bachelor's of arts degree in communications, human resources director Robert Bradshaw immediately fast-tracked Wilhelm's application and spoke with The Onion about this exceptional candidate. The second I saw Corey's resume I knew I had to send it straight up to our CEO. I mean we're talking about an applicant who not only got into the University of Washington school of communication but also managed to graduate in four years with a bachelor of arts. This kid's only 22 but according to his resume he already has experience in Word, Excel and PowerPoint. We're really going to have to move fast to get this guy. Bradshaw went on to say that company heads could barely believe the candidate had two years of experience working at his college newspaper and had even taken a full four years of high school Spanish. Since receiving the application Bradshaw claims the company has made numerous attempts to reach Wilhelm. Hi Corey, this is Rob Bradshaw, HR director over here at Brink and Tiller.
Yeah, I just wanted you to know that we are very interested in you coming in as soon as possible. Hi Corey, yeah just checking in to see if you got my first message. Hey, sorry to keep bothering you, I'm just going to go out on a limb and see if maybe you wanted to come in today.
You know what, also here's my personal cell if that makes it easier. Again that's Robert Bradshaw, B-R-A-D. I could, you know, stay until 10 or 11 if you could possibly squeeze us in. Corey hey, you know what, forget about the interview. You're hired. I hope I didn't offend you with that trying to bring you in here stuff. That's just protocol. You're clearly a special case. You know what, we've already got an office set up. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_donna_higby | Hey everyone and welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat and here's how the show works. We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview. Joining us once again to do makeup is Hannah.
Hannah, you ready? I am, Pat. Josh, are you ready? Yeah. High five! Oh my god, look at the fat lady from Slither. Hey!
I love butter. One time, I saw Jesus in a can of Pringles. I broke my wrist in eight places. This is actually a tricada you can't see. You get your old jukes.
And we made a deal! We made a deal!
Good evening, this is Current. Tonight I'm joined by a very special guest. Ma'am, why don't you introduce yourself? Hello everyone, I'm Donna Higby. Miss Higby, we are honored to have you on the program. And I'm honored to be here on the program, Pat. Well, Miss Higby, we appreciate having you on, of course, and we really had no choice but to bring you on the show, you sent quite an audition tape. In fact, we have it now, so why don't we watch? Hi, Pat. Donna Higby here from Coldwater, Michigan.
I write for a local detective newspaper and I also teach special ed students at school. I really want to be on Current because I watch it every day and if I won't, I'll blow my brains out. Now why don't you tell us a little bit about what brings you to our studio today? Well, I'm a special education community teacher. Are you licensed in any way or?
No, I grew up on a farm and we once had a horse that didn't quite use all of his legs correctly. Uh, so you're comparing children to horses? Oh no, I'm comparing retarded children to horses.
Clearly you love your job, but when does it get difficult? Are there any students that you tend to butt heads with and you just kind of want to err? It's not an easy job, but someone's got to do it. You've got to watch out for the skateboarders and the mistrusters and then miss cheats and the miss cretins and the curmudgins.
I find I love all the children equally and that's the thing. The local educational communities in Michigan find that there's something about my coloring and about my attitude that's stimulating to the retarded kids. Like your hair color? My hair and I'm sort of the quirky, kooky, fun-loving.
Let's say, for example, you don't want to eat. I usually sing a song to get them excited about eating. Okay. Would you like to eat all the cookies and the creams and the beef and the pie and the chicken and the beef? Would you like to sing a little song about eating food all day long? Everybody take a bite and then we go around the table. Everyone goes around, they pick up their burger and the ice cream and the cookie and the cake and tapioca and spaghetti and pasta sauces. We have a great calamari bar at the school.
So how many times in a day did you do this with children? At least a thousand times.
Let's talk more about your obesity. How about... Oh, well, lay it all out on the table. Do you care to read about it? Mrs. Higby reading about her living with obesity. Sometimes I find that living as a fat, disgusting, freckled, sweaty pig is not so bad.
I've been laughed at by children and older men, younger men, younger women, little girls, little boys, a horse once, a big farmer, a man who was over eight feet tall, a local lawyer, a man who collects dandelions, a local millionaire, the great Gatsby himself, the royal queen and king of Kazakhstan, the king of comedy himself, Jerry Lewis, and Mike. They come in with friends. Fat people don't have friends. I don't have friends.
I want to die. Emotional book. This book is blank. |
SaturdayNightLive | halloween_red_carpet_show_snl | Live from the sidewalk, It's the post-halloween Red Carpet special. I'm Tina Le Fay. it's 2.53 a.m. on Halloween night and the streets are absolutely packed with adults in costumes, leaving bars and parties and trying to figure out how to get back to where they live. And the stars are out tonight, aren't they Dean? they sure are Tina. in fact, look who's already here, a drunk guy in an inflatable dinosaur costume, and I think he's gonna fall and get hurt.
Oh, there it is. Tina? Well Dean, I'm here with an absolute icon of the post-halloween scene, a wasted white girl who can't find her. Uber. I am here. Where are you? Now Miss, I see you're holding your shoes instead of wearing them. can I ask why? Blizzers.
Dude, oh my gosh, speak English. uh-oh, things are getting racist here, So Dean, back to you. All right, I'm here with another late night Halloween star, a guy who is upset people didn't appreciate his costume. Look man, I'm slap Chris Rock, it's funny. this is a genius costume. Man, whatever, people are dumb. Okay, amazing, Tina. Okay, now I rarely get starstruck, but just beside me is a staple of post-halloween's everywhere. it's a guy who really wants you to ask about his costume, so I see you claim to be the scariest thing in the world, and what is that? the Patriarchy. And I see patriarchy is spelled wrong. Now you clearly hope this costume would get you laid, Has it worked? No, but uh, the night is young. Hard Pass, Dean. Tina, we're hoping he'd show up tonight, and he has, it's a frat guy dressed as a giant tampon. What up? what up?
Sigma! Sigma! uh, how are you tonight? I'm chilling, Bro. Sigma! All right, Sigma!
Now I have to ask, how has the costume gone over? I mean, the vibe I'm getting is like people who are chill, laugh their eyes off, and like women who are like, smart or disgusted by me, But okay. And uh, what's next for you tonight? uh, I'll probably get in some legal trouble or something, but my dad will handle that for me. uh, hey, you know where I can score some Coke? uh, I'm sorry I don't, Tina. not the last time we'll be asked if we know where to get coke tonight. Now, I'm here with a real highlight of the post-halloween scene, a guy who was in a group costume but lost his friends. my friends and I went into the Village of People, but I can't find them, and now everyone thinks I'm a real cop. I'm not. this is a squirt gun. it's filled with tequila.
I need my friends! Where are my friends? Yikes, Dean! well, we heard a rumor she'd be making an appearance. it's an impossibly drunk Dora the Explorer, and this is fun. she's so, whoa! she's so faded, she's only saying one thing, and it has absolutely nothing to do with her costume.
Tom Brady. one more time? Tom Brady. All right, and why are you saying Tom Brady? Tom Brady.
Okay, well, best of luck tonight, and I hope you find your pants. Tina? okay, well, I don't think he's gonna stop, but behind me you can see the sober middle-aged man who is trying to walk his dog. excuse me! excuse me! people live here! Thank you! Dean? Well, here's something you don't normally see at 3am. it's a dad who clearly forgot to take his kid trick-or-treating earlier. Yeah, go ask him for some candy. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't have any. uh, can I ask why you have a child out at 3 in the morning?
Yeah, you can ask Sheila. She texted me at 8pm saying I'm dropping them off, and I say, not my weekend, Sheila. I'm getting my drink on right now, Sheila! and she says it is your weekend, which it turned out it actually was.
Anyway, we out here, so it's fine. Okay, now what's your child dressed as? Oh, uh, he a chipotle bag.
Wow! Oh, buddy, yeah! Wow, Tina! Wow, indeed.
Well, we have to take a break, but we have so much more ahead, including trying to figure out if the guy behind me is dressed as Dahmer or is an actual pervert. I vote for pervert, plus more with our bad dad. Hey, man, I'm a good dad. you know where I can get some Coke? I do not. keep it right here. |
dropout | this_drink_is_embarrassing | You guys are going to love this place. It's so close.
Yeah. It's good beer, too. Welcome to the Bad Elephant, gentlemen. You guys ready to order? Yeah. Can I get the dusty showboater ale? Sure. I will have the angry goat face porter. Nice. You're going to love it. And you? Uh, yeah. I'll have the, um, the crocodile bunker stout. Yeah. Sure.
Sorry. Uh, what's that? Uh, the crocodile bunker stout. Oh.
Uh, what's the glass? That's a chalice. That's the glass we served in.
Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. You know what?
I think I got it confused. I meant to order the Eye of the Storm Saison. That's what I meant. Thank you so much. Sometimes you got to lay down the wall. You know what I mean?
Sorry about that. The Eye of the Storm Saison. Oh! Almost forgot. No. Um, sorry.
Which one? Which one is? This is the Eye of the Storm?
Zach, if you want it, just get that beer. You don't have to prove you're a man with your glass.
I don't. I don't want that. I don't want some, you know, fruit-flavored beer. You know, I want a beer that tastes like dirt.
You know, like you guys. So, joke's over, which is what it was. And, yeah, I'll take what he had. We're out of that. Uh, I'll take that one, then. Actually, you know what?
We're out of both of those. You're out of both of them.
Yeah, yeah. Cake's empty, so. I'll have the Rock Dragon Hammerhead. You can give this to some girl or something. You got it. What are you doing?
Forty? Forty's the new twenty.
Brave Man Swamp Monster. That one. Okay, you got it. Swamps are known for their man. So much stuff in there.
I'll have the Resty Nail Cascale instead of this, actually. Got it wrong. Oops. I'm all getting manly. You know what? I actually met the Dusky Oakblood Pig Scale. That one. Oops.
The roses are driving. They're working the pedals.
Ahh. Guns are cool, sex with hot girls. Wrong again. Someone else can drink that. How are those? They're good, yeah. Cool.
You know what? I'll take the powerful rage-filled uncle, actually. Trouble picking a beer over there. Yeah, I guess it's sometimes... What is this? To drink that one, you kiss it. You know what?
I think I'm done with beer. I'll have an old-fashioned.
How about that? Sure. Yep.
Liquor. Old-fashioned? Feeling like liquor tonight. You're going to get a little crazy. Cool. Almost forgot. Old-fashioned.
Cheers, guys. Cheers. |
cracked | tom_delonge_from_blink_182_is_better_at_aliens_than_you | Friend Daniel hmm. I've called you here today to share with you some very exciting important news Tom DeLong as you who you may know the very famous UFO researcher. Oh has just one UFO researcher of the year for his tireless efforts.
I'm gonna need you to go back I know Tom DeLong as guitarist from Blink 182 and then nothing He was super into aliens already when you may have remembered one of their songs on their Just breakthrough album anima the state was aliens exist and it's him just singing about how aliens shoved things up his asshole Yeah, and nobody believes him because why would they and on their DVD that came out around the time the urethra chronicles part two he has an extended bit where he's talking about how he met with UFO researchers and Talked to a former FBI person who supposedly just walked into a room and there was an alien sitting behind a desk I'm gonna give you start on UFOs. Tom DeLong doesn't strike me as someone that Deserves an audience with a serious FBI person that seemed like hey, do you like my music? No, not not not very much at all You don't think all the small things get some into no, I do not know there's a clear clearance for that They also had a an EP a while ago before there they they broke big Which was called they they came to conquer Uranus And it's just aliens. Yeah, I mean this dude is all about aliens and he's always been about aliens He's always been about aliens, but I've seen them in concert a few times and he wasn't like preachy about it He wasn't like before we get into Adam's song. I know you guys think it's about suicide. It's actually about aliens Like he didn't they put on a fun show they do like really goofy wack And this seems like a very uncere like no nonsense alien pursuit now Yeah, well, there's what I think happened 2002 were Around there where he got kicked out of the band the first time he came out and made like a lot of really strange Statements about like making an album that was gonna like change the world.
Was he angels and airwaves? He was angels. He currently still is angels.
Oh boy. Yeah, they're still cranking him out I own everyone all of their songs and all their albums are like explicitly about space and being in space and to a lesser Degree being from space. Okay. I mean we as humans are all from space technically because we're currently in space right now you and I Cool, Neil.
Is he trying to warn the world that aliens exist? He's like klaatu from the day the earth stood still He's here to like kind of chill us out and get us ready for aliens to come. He's doing a terrible job He's doing an awful job. He's gonna be the guy who prepares us for the aliens He can't even get the other two guys in blink 182 to like him Has he done any meaningful work to advance this or is he just talking about it a lot?
He talks about it a lot on the internet. He shows up on various you can find a lot of clips of him If you search he's on a lot of like podcasts or like Just like YouTube shows. It's so tough to get on a podcast or a YouTube show.
Yeah, he's written books Well co-written books like basically after he got fired from blink 182 the second time for being a crazy weirdo he immediately started writing both fiction and nonfiction books about UFO conspiracies and just decades of alien presence on earth that's been you know infiltrated into all levels of government and Really testing the boundaries of what nonfiction is allowed to write the access that for whatever reason Tom long was able to get Went as far as one of the leaks one of the email leaks what the Hillary email leaks done by done by WikiLeaks during the recent election was an email to John Podesta from Tom DeLonge trying to get him to meet with him to talk about fucking aliens That's for all the people who are clamoring, but where are her 33,000 emails? Where are the emails over and over again? I feel like just show them this one and then be like, oh, never mind Tom DeLonge here the one who interviewed you for that special documentary not too long ago Things are moving with the project the novels films and nonfiction works are blooming and finishing Just had a preliminary meeting with Spielberg's chief operating officer at DreamWorks. It's clueless Ben Franklin goofy mother capitalizing whatever words he wants he capitalized novels and films and the end and the F in nonfiction get blink 182 Go on.
I would like to bring two very quote important people out to meet you in DC I think you will find them very interesting as they were principal leadership relating to our sensitive topic Both were in charge of most fragile divisions as it relates to classified science and DoD topics other words These are a level officials. Who are these two people are they? Are they it's neat to see half like two generals just hanging out at his house They were in charge of most fragile divisions.
Jesus. That's the most important email of the lead This is it's so unclear what his agenda is. Is he trying to attach? Podesta as Producer for his movie or is this like an actual government thing because it's it's back and forth between like this is high-level official security classified stuff and Really moving along with the film.
Yeah, I got a lot of buzz Talking about me. I'm making an expanded cinematic universe Aliens and I'd like you to be a part of it. I'm not a crazy person people in this community Have recognized the work that he's done and they want to give him a medal for it Whatever that whatever they give him. Um, I think they're little saucers. They like I throw them I want to get the next year's award instead of him. We could start now. I mean becoming pretty important to me I always think where are you aliens? Like I could do it.
Yeah, but he could probably do that right now I mean, I've got I've got his guitar. I have his signature guitar. I can get the the limited edition Don't blink or you'll miss it Mark Hoppe style bass.
Yeah do that. Yeah, let's just start a band instead Yeah, you know what? You know this let's start a band and then in 10 years I'll lose my mind sure you can we'll figure it out One of us who wins can go on to be the UFO researcher. All right, and then it will have all been worth it Hey you like stand up come see the cracked stand-up show It's happening June 22nd at meltdown comics in Los Angeles If you want to see amazing comics including our own Josh Sargent go to nerd melt la.com slash tickets And if you want to see me do a funny dance Sorry, not today |
dropout | if_i_were_a_bro | If I were a bro, if I turned out that way I'd roll off the couch in the morning and put on what I wore yesterday A huge TV, just to watch Big Lebowski But my God, what smells like tuna I should have had my mom do laundry This is my only hoodie If I were a bro, I think I could understand why somehow it makes you cooler to walk around like elephants Go to a party, but I'll stand in the dark Slam that brew house back with my bros Making fun of all the homos Dancing with the girls on the floor If I were a bro, I'd never party alone Always roll deep with the brothers And pre-game till I'm fucked out, my dum My dum, if I were a bro I'm psyched for spring break, we're gonna rock Daytona Just a couple of fakes and there'll be bitches on ya And in the pictures we'll take, you know, fingers up But you're just a bro, for so you don't understand Why when you do not take a shower, you only get a job from a hand You think it's funny, dancing close with your friends You are not really fooling me, man, cause I know that you got me left So mark and chat and hate at me, oh But you're just a bro |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Gone_Girl | You don't know if she has friends, you don't know what she does all day, and you don't know your wife's blood type. Sure y'all are married. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Gone Girl, a new thriller about a man whose wife vanishes under mysterious circumstances. So, on top of everything else in my life, I guess I'm supposed to worry about this couple now. Whether he killed his wife or she faked her own death or something.
I mean, I have enough on my own plate. I shouldn't have to deal with this. One minute I'm stressing out over the media circus chasing Nick down at Amy's Vigil. The next thing I know, I'm struggling with the bombshell that Nick's been having this secret affair the whole time. Look, when I walk into a movie theater, I'm not interested in a laundry list of shit to worry about. I've got a lot of balls in the air as it is. I can't keep track of all this. Look how tense this scene is. What gives director David Fincher the right to do this to me? I don't have the energy for this. All I want is two precious hours. To escape from the fact that I lost 80 grand investing in my friend's fucking seafood restaurant.
All screenwriter Gillian Flynn has to do is to answer a single question right up top. Did Nick kill his wife or not?
There. Simple.
Let me off the hook a little, you know? I'd appreciate a little leeway. God knows I'm not gonna get it from the banks. You know, there's supposed to be just a little investment on the side. 15 grand. At first. And then, before you know it, I'm taking the whole damn restaurant on my back. It's the kind of thing I do for others that no one ever, ever does for me.
So, sorry Gillian Flynn. I can't be concerned about untangling your every last plot twist. Peter's Fish House. That's right. My name. Oh great. Here's Trent Reznor's sad music, forcing me to feel Amy's bitterness and betrayal in a flashback as she realizes the love is leaving her marriage. Everyone warned me.
But Mike said it would be a money machine. Great menu, great atmosphere, he said. And apparently, that was good enough for me.
What? Two great things?
Well, here's my life savings. Now go spend it on a contractor who should be in jail. I mean, I knew it was a crapshoot, but... No.
I'm not gonna bother you with my problems anymore. Because I know how burdensome it is to just shovel your worries onto someone else who already has troubles of their own. So why the fuck can't Gillian Flynn have the same basic decency and spare me the agony of wandering through some kind of horrible crime labyrinth? Why does she want to saddle me with all of this? Anyway, I sold my house, moved into an apartment, used my dad as my guarantor.
And guess what, Neil Patrick Harris? I just found out that my daughter needs to go to a special school. You know what?
Just stop playing the clips. Cut back to me.
You always figure a way out, Pete. You're gonna figure a way out. You just need to think.
For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_50s_baseball_broadcast_snl | No score as we head into the bottom of the third, Yankees' White Sox' Lyle O'Reilly for WNYX Radio alongside Hall of Famer Daze Newsom. Gorgeous day for a ball game. It is. Before We get back to the action on the field, let's go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt. WNYX Yankees' Coverage is brought to you by Schmackman's department store. Hey, where'd you get that plain brown suit and plain brown hat? Why, Schmackman's, of course. Now Back to the ball game. Thank you, Walt. Diz, glad you made it in today. I Understand you were feeling a little under the weather this morning. Oh, yeah. Uh, stuffy head, sore throat, the works. So Luckily, my doctor prescribed me this new cold medicine called, uh, methamphetamine. Yeah, he just did not write cold right out. Well, glad you're feeling better. Oh, I'm excited. I'm feeling chatty, like I could talk about everything forever. All right. Well, sounds like this methamphetamine medicine did the trick, and Gene Woodling comes to the plate 15 for 25 this season against lefty pitchers. I mean, not bad for an alcoholic. All right, don't say that, Diz. Hey, you seen, uh, Woodling's wife? Mama me. Okay, 22 years old. The Tush on that woman. I Ain't like a soldier's haircut, high and tight. All Right, let's not talk about another man's wife like that, Diz, And here's the pitch. Up there! Except It's not pop fly directly over home plate. You Know what? I'm gonna take another cold pill. so I don't get stuffy. Okay, sounds good, Diz. Jolting Joe DiMaggio is headed to the plate, or should I say Mr. Marilyn Monroe. I mean, how the hell did Joe DiMaggio, the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball, snag that broad? All Right, watch the language, Diz. I mean, uh, you know he's Italian, right? Okay. Italians aren't even whites. Okay. Please Don't say that, Diz, And here's the pitch. Line Drive past third. That's Italian! No, it is not. It is not. But DiMaggio Easily makes it to first. Oh, yeah. Question, how much money would you pay to sniff Marilyn Monroe's bedsheets? Okay, I'm not gonna answer that because that is inappropriate. Oh, no, it's not. Inappropriate would be something like, how do you fit four hookers onto a chair? You turn it upside down. What? Oh, my God! No, Diz! How about a sponsor ID, Walt? Today's coverage is brought to you by Mitchell, the businessman scotch. Thank you, Walt. One out, runner on first, and rookie Mickey Mantle is coming to the plate. Another Bow down. All Right, now, a lot of folks are saying this kid's power reminds them of a young Babe Ruth. I mean, you had a story about Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right? Ah. Of course. Well, the station manager told me not to tell the story about Babe Ruth. It's a real shame because it's one. Okay, maybe lay off that cold medicine Diz Mantle Squaring up at the plate. Ah, what the hell, right? Okay, so Ruth's on the road in Cleveland. Uh, pitch is low, bow one. I mean, it's about midnight after the game. Babe is drunk as a skunk, looking for what else? Horse and hot dogs. Oh, please stop, and right winds up. Okay, so nothing's open, and Babe is starving. The Pitch, ball two. So He sees this little street-aged kid about 10 years old, and Babe Ruth, uh, he ate him. No. He did not. Babe, no, was so hungry that he ate a child alive. No, he did not, and that is ball three. He did. He did not. He did close at all. No, Babe Ruth was famously kind to children, free and owes the count. Well, he ate one. No. If You're listening to this, and you're in your car, and you're in your car, and you're stuck in traffic, I Have an idea. Just Gun it. Don't do that. Just Slam the gas and see what happens. No, he's joking. Don't do that. I'm not. Ball Four, base is loaded. Uh, you know, I have some observations on different races. No, no, no. Let's hear from our sponsor. I Kind of want to hear this. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_thriller_s_40th_anniversary_police_bust_super_cartel_snl | Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is under fire over a picture of him from 1957 where he looks on as black students are stopped from entering his school. Okay, so maybe Jerry Jones was a racist back then. But tell me this,: would a racist own a team full of the strongest black men he could buy to work on his field? No, right? the answer is No.
Hawaii's Mona Loa, the world's largest active volcano, began erupting for the first time since 1984. also erupting for the first time since 1984, your aunt watching Yellowstone. This week marks the 40th anniversary of the classic Michael Jackson albums throw. And say what you will about Michael Jackson, but he definitely had a huge effect on a lot of people's childhoods. the World Health Organization is changing the name of Monkey Pox to M Pox due to concerns that the original could be considered racist, which I didn't even really think was an issue. But now I'm just wondering. what's the N in N95? Webster announced that his word of the year is gaslighting. gaslighting, if you don't know, is a word my ex made up to magically win arguments that she was losing. law enforcement departments in six European countries arrested nearly 50 drug traffickers who were running a cocaine super cartel. And you know what made the Cartel really super? Friendship. a police officer at New York State is being called the baby Whisperer after he helped deliver his fifth baby in nine years. Only five babies in nine years, said Nick Cannon. Okay, there you are. Okay. a woman in Atlanta gave birth to her baby in a Mcdonald's. So caution, wet floor. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_physical_saturday_night_live | Just take a seat up there on that table and the doctor will be right in. how are we doing today? Oh, just fine. not so bad. you're in here for a complete physical, is that right? Uh, that is correct. Okay. your chart looks fine. Uh, when did you last have a physical?
Uh, about five years ago. I was in Seattle. Oh, interesting. I have a brother in Seattle.
Oh. yeah. why don't you step over here on the scale.
Okay. it's a nice town. Oh, it's a great town.
I hated to leave it. great. no, I know. he loves other. Well, step off here and just drop your pants. Oh, okay. yeah, he just loves over the mountains and the oceans. just such a short drive away. it's nice.
Yeah. and cough, please. again. once more. one more cough. cough. big cough. that's good. I can pull up my pants. hold on. one sec. cough. cough. cough. cough. Is there something wrong? Cough once more.
Is everything okay? I think so. hold on one minute. Nurse, can we get Dr. Wallace? Sure. Are you feeling something odd? I can't tell. Two quick coughs. more? Oh, hold on. Oh, no, no, no. don't worry. this is my associate, Dr. Wallace.
Dr. Fieldies, please. cough, please. again. again. now a big one. Is there some problem? one more time. what do you think? it's tough to say. cough, please. one more for me. now for me. let's get the nurse. what is it that you're feeling? Nurse. Nurse, see if you can feel this, right? go ahead and cough, Mr. Harris. I see. cough, please. cough. cough.
And for me? One for me. my turn. And all of us now? Let's see, Mr. Harris. Who the hell are you? Okay, beat it. the gig's up.
God, those people weren't doctors! No, I'm afraid they weren't doctors. they're just a part of a growing number of people who enjoy feeling men's testicles. myself? I'm a butt man. |
cracked | slutty_halloween_costumes_a_carefully_worded_tribute | Every year, around this time, you'll hear a lot of talk about the kinds of costumes girls wear. Slutty girls and slutty costumes horrid it up on Halloween.
Well, you need to cool it right now, guys. Okay? Just cut it out.
Skimpy doesn't equal slut automatically. So, here's a tribute to all of the other women on Halloween. Slutty girls and slutty costumes, not horrid it up. Hippies balling with booze-weeding street signs, tripping balls, eating sushi and felines. Slutty girls and slutty costumes, not horrid it up. Lots of fish and a fox make their way down, the chap sticks to the box for your take-out. Slutty girls and nutty costumes, not horrid it up. More through the remotors from tiresome bugs and a movie poster for the silence of the lambs. A clockwork orange, some hits from the 80s, two walkers and scores of legit naked ladies. Slutty girls and slutty costumes, horrid it up.
I mean, not horrid it up. Or, horrid it up.
You know, you're your own woman, man. Do whatever you want. Dress what you want. Don't let other people judge you, you know? Anyway, thanks for listening.
Here are cats. In some tiny towns, but never dead. Cause it's Halloween. Happy Halloween from Sluts. |
dropout | march_movies_suck | The Academy Awards took place last weekend, and while this marks the end of awards season, it also signals the beginning of mediocre movie season. That's right, Nancy. It's that magical time of year when the studios dump the projects they're just not all that jazz about. And this year, the competition is fierceful. Which movie will do the most okay at the box office? And here's a sneak peek at some of the exciting movies coming to theaters this weekend.
Julia Roberts stars opposite Hugh Jackman in the romantic comedy, Unlucky in Love, a movie which insiders tell us will be fine to watch on Netflix streaming. And for you sci-fi fans out there, you'll be vaguely sated until summer by Jude Law in primary, a movie that takes place in the future, but not too far in the future. Well, Owen Wilson's latest dramedy starting over made its in-flight movie premiere. We caught up with some fans at Chicago's O'Hare airport.
I think I fell asleep for like 15 minutes in the middle, but I basically followed the plot. I didn't even watch. I just picked Food Manager.
I sure can wait to see that. But if late in life coming of age stories aren't your thing, then maybe you'll be interested in some of the most pretty good action flicks that mediocre movie season has to offer. Ryan Reynolds stars in the Bank Heist thriller, No Turning Back, while Bradley Cooper stars in the Bank Heist thriller, Getaway. And Mark Ruffalo stars in the Bank Heist thriller, The Steel. In an interview, we sat down with Ruffalo to ask him about the project. Yeah, I think people are really going to love The Avengers.
Yeah. What about The Steel? Oh, yeah. I completely forgot I was in that.
And now it's time to take a look at our entertainment tonight.com poll. We asked you, which movie are you the most excited to just sort of end up seeing? A whopping 25% of you said never giving up, while a whopping 25% of you said making it count. But a whopping 25% of you said living your life. And finally, a whopping 25% of you said you were most excited about that Selena Gomez movie. Coming up next, we've got a sneak peek at the trailer for Gerard Butler's annual Turn It Back in a film that made Roger Ebert say, meh. |
TheOnion | Study_Most_Serial_Killers_Did_Not_Receive_Toy_Every_Time_They_Went_To_Store_As_Kids | A new study released this week based on extensive psychological profiling of some of the world's most notorious serial murderers found that their homicidal instincts can be traced to a single incident in childhood when they were denied a toy that they really wanted. Our research shows that nearly all violent serial offenders, from John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer to the DC snipers, exhibited their first violent impulses shortly after being told as children that a video game was too expensive or that they had a perfectly good Lego set at home and they could make do with that. Researchers found that an isolated occurrence in which a parent refuses to buy a stuffed animal or candy bar for their child can immediately trigger the development of sociopathic tendencies. This was most notably the case with Jeffrey Dahmer, who began decapitating stray dogs and placing their heads on spikes shortly after being denied an Etch-a-Sketch. The Onion was granted exclusive access to speak to some of the convicted killers who participated in the study. The first time I remember having the urge to kill was when I was eight, right after my parents wouldn't buy me the Yomega Hyperwarp.
I remember my dad saying, not now, son, and then I went straight home, took the cat out into the garage and peeled off its skin. The release was extraordinary. I asked for a stretch Armstrong one time when we were leaving a Sam's Club and I got it. No problem. I got a Super Soaker. I got the Kerplunk. The voices only started around the time my mom wouldn't let me get that holographic Snoopy Slimer when we were at Rite Aid this one day after school.
I was in such a blind rage that I went up to my room, saw the heads off all my action figures and ejaculated into their body cavities. I saw that 3D Slimer every time I watched the life drain from a hooker's eyes. I can see it now. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_paterson_stefon_snooki_sing_a_christmas_song_snl | Well, it's the last show before Christmas, So here now with a holiday message, my three closest friends in the world, Snooki, Stefan, and Governor David Patterson. Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, I believe there's someone changing. Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, I believe there's someone changing. not only green when summer's here, but also when it's cold and dearer. Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, I believe there's someone changing. are we playing? what's happening here? This is fun, drunk leopard. Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, oh, evergreen, unchanging, a symbol of goodwill and love, you'll ever be unchanging. Because it's that thing of when, like, jacked elves have, like, the pony keg chest and they bang their little baby hammer and spark pop in and it's just amazing. Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, you'll ever be unchanging. are we gonna smush? I have a girlfriend, sorry. Happy holidays to everyone except New Jersey. for weekend update, I'm Sam Barnes. Happy holidays, Everybody! |
dropout | This_Kidnapping_Is_SO_Hot | Well, well, well. Looks like I caught two little birdies in my trap. Birdies from one of the richest families in the world, of course.
I think I'll get a handsome ransom for the two of you, don't you believe? Maybe. If you can convince my father. Oh, he's a stubborn man, I know. But I have my ways of getting what I want. Are you going to hurt us? Only if I have to. Yeah. You could start with some slapping of our faces. Yes. If you were thinking to prove your point, that would really get us. What? Why would I slap you?
Well, you already have our wrists and ankles bound in this scratchy rope, you naughty minx. Yeah, we know a kinkster when we see one. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not a kinkster, okay? Your lives are in serious danger. As serious as a BDSM sex dungeon, you freaky ferret. Yeah, next you're going to tell us those sex weren't part of a sensory deprivation kink.
Ew! No! You weirdos, stop! What is that, husband? He thinks our sexual preferences are veered. Yeah.
How degrading. Degrade us more. Your scorn makes us fat. Hey, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to kink shame you. I'm just trying to express that I do not want to be a part of your kinks. But you're so good at it, you're a natural dom, you saucy badger. No, I'm not. I'm just like a boring sex guy who likes boring sex things, like missionary and sex that takes place in beds, under the covers even. And then, you know, I feel bad about myself afterwards. That's the kind of sex guy I am.
It's time to expand your horizons, right now, vis-a-vis. You know what? If you don't cut this kink crap out right now, I'm going to cut off your thumb. Please do. The pain will be exquisite, and I only need these three fingers anyway. Yes, and then do my thumb next, you jaunty cougar melon-cam. How could you possibly think getting your finger cut off is kinky? Well, you obviously haven't plunged the depths of sexual depravity like we have. No one should ever. Hello? Please let my son and his wife go. Just tell me what you want.
Is that my daddy? Has daddy called to save us? Yes, daddy, yes!
Shut up, okay? Just shut up. Listen to me very closely.
Jesus Christ. Listen, just call me back when you're not so horned up. All right, new plan, everybody, all right? We're just going to sit here and not interact and just listen to the radio, okay? And we're back here.
Discussions are heating up here as we discuss the role of the elderly in our society. Obviously, we're living in a very young world today, but for grandma and grandpa, it's not so.
I mean, uh... What are you doing? With some kinky nongkor. That's normal has become hard.
The snake is eating its own tail and I think that's sexy as... The snake?
Okay, I'm done here, guys. The kidnapping's over. I'm going to leave the room because I can't be in the same room as you guys. I'd rather be in jail. Thanks a lot.
Please, no! No, no!
I'll give you 50 million dollars to tie us up on weekend! I'm a virgin! Hey, it's Grant.
If you like college humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of 0.005% of my student loan debt, you'll get shows like Total Forgiveness, where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive Dropout Discord where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
That's my one thing. That's my whole deal. Sign up for your free trial today. Then pay after that. I... I need it. |
dropout | the_coolest_death_ever | Okay. I love you too. Everything okay? Um...
I just found out that my grandpa died. Oh, God. It's really crazy, because he was young. He was only 69.
Dude. Nice. Yeah, it's real tight. When did it happen? I guess it just happened this morning, you know? At 4.20. Oh, Mike. That is so dope.
I smoke weed every day. Blaze it.
You know what? Where's the funeral? You don't have to do that. No.
I want to come. It's going to be the Penn 15 Club. Over on Gay Street. 58008. It's boobs back there.
I know, bro. It's a real sight. He was a member, right? Yeah. He was a lifelong member. The club really meant a lot to him. He said in his will, I love Penn 15. That is so fucking nice, dude. Yeah. Fucking nice.
I really don't. I'm a shitlolling right now. I don't understand.
Sometimes God moves in outrageously chill ways. It's so sick. He was really down with the sickness.
Why? Why is it so dope?
It's finally done. I'm free.
Nice. Oh my God. Did you guys hear about Caldwell? No. His 420 video got 69 million views. Nice. Also he died.
No. You keep missing it. Come on. It's not that hard. It's right there. No. You missed it. |
cracked | 6_badasses_of_history_you_ve_never_heard_of_the_cracked_podcast | Put your hands together for the Cracked podcast live! Are you CB Sunset? I'm Jack. I'm joined on stage by a writer and star of Many a Cracked Video, my occasional co-host, Mr. Michael Swipes! Whoo! Michael, you look well. Thank you.
Well, I thought I should take our role pretty seriously today. We're gonna be doing some judging. Yeah, today we're talking about badasses that you've likely never heard of either due to an acute case of not being a straight white guy. History hates it when you're not a straight white guy. Or because they were on the losing side of the war or had stupid names. There's gonna be all sorts of reasons you've never heard of these people, but they're all going to be incredibly, entertainingly bad ass. And Michael and I are going to sit here in judgment. So yeah, here's the format. We're gonna bring out one of our writers who will present badasses for our approval. Like a female baboon, except rather than being swollen and red, the asses they present will be under-regarded and bad. You will really work to make that metaphor connect.
I'm out of you!
You'll then indicate your approval. Let's get to our first presenter. He is a hilarious stand-up writer and performer from Cracked. He enters every room he walks into f*** first. Please welcome Alex Schmidt! Hi Alex.
I want to talk about, I'm gonna call him Tisquantum, because that's what he called himself. But you know him as Squanto. And he's, I think, one of the most famous Native Americans, if not just figures in history. And he's famous for none of the cool stuff for some reason. He basically, like we know him as, oh he was good at corn. But like actually, he basically lived the life of a Game of Thrones character.
He was born in present-day Massachusetts in a village called Patuxet. And he was, so he spent his childhood being raised to be an advisor to the chiefs. And what that meant in their culture was all kinds of just like punishing trials. And John Smith came to his village in 1614 and visited and kind of got to know the tribe. And John Smith went off to another place and left behind one of his guys and said, you know, just keep talking to these people and keep an eye on them. And his subordinates said, yes, absolutely. But then kidnapped like two dozen natives, including Tisquantum, who also, we, as far as his name goes in the historical record, we know that's what he told the British his name was.
But in their language, it translates to Wrath of God. So he might have just made up a cool persona for him. That's your act break right there. What's your name, son? Wrath of God. Yeah. So under his awesome Wrath of God name, he spent the next five years in hell.
The unscrupulous British guy who kidnapped him took him away and immediately brought him to Spain to be sold into slavery. He managed to talk his way out of slavery in presumably a language he just learned. So good job. And then he worked his way to England where he was a servant, but also basically a house pet for a very rich British man who just wanted to be like, oh, Native American, look at that. In his house. And then he talked his way out of that, presumably in a new language and got a ride on a boat to Newfoundland. Then he talked to a guy there, said, hey, I'd really like to go back to Massachusetts. And the guy was like, yeah, sure.
Let's just go back and forth again across the Atlantic again. So he was on four horrible cross-Atlantic voyages.
And then five years later, he gets back to his old hometown of Patuxet, and everyone is dead. Everyone, 90% of the population of Massachusetts died of some kind of viral hepatitis. And so what used to be his village of Patuxet was now the English colony of Plymouth that they built on top of it. And everyone he's known in his life is gone.
And none of the natives trust Tuscantum because he's been too close to the Europeans, you know, because they kidnapped him and stuff. And none of the Europeans trust Tuscantum because he's a Native American.
And so what he does is play everyone against everyone for the rest of his life. When he returned, they were living in the houses of the people who had died, just using their bowls. They were like, oh, hey, hey, man. Yeah, I think he really, and I mention Game of Thrones because one of the things I love about that show is you'll just constantly see characters like, well, I'm in a new continent and everything's bad. And it just happens to him all the time where he's like, I guess I need to learn a whole other language and convince people I'm the greatest again.
All right, shall we confer? Does Alex beat nobody? Yeah, I think he can stay out here for me. Thank you. All right, because I wrote by many names.
The Surge, Sarge Party Weasel is a new one. He's a hilarious writer, performer, and cracked columnist. Joshua F. Sargent.
Oh, look at those elbow patches. I talked about this earlier. I don't remember when, as a kid, I saw someone wearing elbow patches and I just said, that's what adulthood and success looks like. My guy, Aki Ra, or Akira, is still around because history happens every day and is still alive, which is important to remember.
He was born, he doesn't actually know when. He was in the early 70s in Cambodia. And the reason he doesn't know when is because the Khmer Rouge, before he was old enough to have memories, killed his family and made him a slave planting landmines because little tiny baby hands are the best hands for planting landmines, which is a horribly depressing thing that you now know because of bull pod. He did that for about 10 years, and then the Khmer Rouge was in a battle with the Vietnamese army that freed Aki Ra and immediately had him plant landmines for them. Which I imagine was disappointing. In 1989, the Vietnamese army left Cambodia, which I'm sure you already knew, and the Cambodian government came in and said, look, one person in the audience was like, what's up?
They're out of there? I gotta go. Cambodian army came up and said, you know, you've been really good at planting landmines. How about you keep doing that? He's like, we're not at war, but okay. And he kept doing that until 1992, when finally the UN came in and asked him to help them remove landmines. You know, they left, job done.
He said, well, we still have more landmines in Cambodia than people. There are 6 million unexploded landmines in Cambodia, 5.1 million people. So what he did is he spent that point in 1994 until now digging up landmines. And what's impressive about this is that, for context, when the UN shifts landmines, is what you call it, they have a team of 1,000 people, and in a month they can remove 3,000 landmines using state-of-the-art equipment and training and state-of-the-art.
Those two little babies, those two things. You told us. Robot baby hands.
Akhira between 1994 and 2005 using a pocket knife and occasionally a wrench and no other equipment, literally a t-shirt and pants, removed 50,000 landmines. Now, today, he is still doing that. He has a landmine museum that he runs that is full of landmines that he has. You've got to put them somewhere. Yeah, he's turning them up. Turn them into non-bombs to show tourists and people to pay for his continued efforts. And he also serves as a home for children who have been injured by landmines, because, again, this entire country is just f***ing landmines. In villages and farms, which you might notice is where people live and grow food.
Is that it? Yes, that's all. That's all he's got.
That's very impressive, and I believe I heard some audible gasps from the crowd. Let's stick with Akhira. Akhira replaces Squanto, who sucks, clearly. No, no. But he plants mines, and then he takes apart mines. That's like one skill. It's a zero-sum game, right?
It kind of just cancels out. Alex's reign ended so quickly. Get out of here, Alex. You're done. You're done in this town. And Alex always exits, caught glass.
I was too late with the bit. He didn't do it.
Who are we bringing out? We're bringing out Blake Wexler, a hilarious stand-up who has worked on many of my favorite shows, like Key & Peele and Review. He's a regular on the Todd Glass show, the Nerds podcast. Please give it up for Blake Wexler. Blake Wexler!
Blake, thank you for having me. Not I, this is not about me. I'm the badass.
In 1777, George Washington's army was camped out in Valley Forge, which is in suburban Philadelphia. And there was probably 12,000 troops that he had under his command. 2,000 that year died. So it was looking real bad. And they hadn't won a single battle yet against the British.
Meanwhile, in Prussia, Frederick the Great had released a man named Baron von Steuven from his army. And that's the guy. That's my badass, Baron von Steuven. And he was released for being gay. And that's why he was released. Which, by the way, is what I want on my tombstone. Here lies Blake Wexler. He was fired from the Prussian army for being gay.
It's the most baller thing I've ever heard in my entire life. It's awesome. So he gets kicked out, and Benjamin Franklin, amidst having sex with numerous French whores, was like, oh, this guy is awesome.
We need to get this guy. We totally need to get this guy. So Baron von Steuven gets not flown over.
He probably hopped on the back of an eagle, and that's why it's so cool. A gorgeous, beautiful, plumaged eagle. I would imagine it was a boat that he got on.
And so meanwhile, Valley Forge, the Continental Army is camped out, morale is horribly low. No one even has shoes. People are losing limbs to frostbite by the hour.
And all of a sudden, there's a noise. And the distance. And it's like, it sounds like bottles clinking together.
And then over a hill, Baron von Steuven arriving at this ragtag army, the noise, it was a bunch of jingle bells that he had affixed to a gorgeous, immaculately constructed sleigh. My man pulled up in a goddamn sleigh. A sleigh. And he was wearing a huge fur coat. These people don't even have shirts. He shows up in a fur coat while petting a miniature greyhound, which like, he invented the dog accessory, which is pretty cool. And on his sleigh, sleigh against sleigh, he has his chief of staff, not that odd, and then four of his young gay boyfriends.
And it's just like, that's a fucking entrance. That's a hell of a fucking entrance. So he rolls up, doesn't speak a word of goddamn English. And it's just like, it just like trains the shit out of the army.
These people didn't even know how to fix bayonets to a fucking musket, which I would imagine, rope, I don't know. But they didn't even know how to do it.
And he teaches that. He teaches battle formations. He teaches how to a new efficient way of loading and reloading.
And the first battle after the encampment at Valley Forge had ended was the first battle throughout the war that the Americans actually held the battleground. So it turned the entire tide of the war. He turned the tide, he turned farmers, literally farmers and lawyers into professional killers, all while wearing a fur coat and parading around with his little gay whores.
He was the shit. And that's not the most baller fucking badass. I don't know what the fuck was wrong with you. He was amazing.
His dead body just drops from the ceiling. It's just like I'm right down.
More of a bummer than... It sounds like he also invented Santa Claus. Didn't it feel like he was leaning towards... Coca-Cola was there and they were like, that guy will sell coats.
It's really a badass. Also I think for the added layer of getting it to come down in history, his true sexual orientation. You know what I mean? Because there are many historical figures who may well have been gay, but it's such a triumph to have history allow that to be remembered about you. Yeah, and he was so shamelessly himself. That they couldn't. In terms of the most homophobic arenas of the world, it's like the army and then suburban Philadelphia. Those are one and two. And he served openly and proudly. Yeah, he was awesome.
I think we should do a plasmeter. Plasmeter. All right.
Let's go Von Stoyman. Or Stoyman.
Okay. Akira. All right.
Run Blake! Well, it was an amazing disappearance. Blake is great at reading a crowd, isn't he? Our next presenter is a regular contributor to The Onion. And he's a stand-up known for producing a conceptual comedy show, one called Seven Minutes in Purgatory, which I watched on YouTube, which is definitely worth your time, where comedians perform in one room for a camera with noise-canceling headphones, while the audience watches in another, so the comedian has no idea how they're doing, and just, like, dies a slow death. It's really brilliant.
With that in mind, please make very little noise to avoid startling Mr. Ian Abramson. Yeah, the door sticks. I'd hate it if you guys made a lot of noise. Wow. Okay. How we doing?
So, I don't know if you guys have heard of P.T. Barnum. I assume that on some level you have, you think circus guy, and you might think liar, cheat. I think red-blooded American. You know what I mean? We stole this country, is what I'm saying, and what better example than a man that built his career on lying and cheating. That said, he did it in a very honest way.
As a child, P.T. Barnum was completely tricked, and this kind of set the tone of his entire life. He was told, as, like, an infant to the time that he was about 12 years old, that he had inherited land from his uncle. And not realizing that this was kind of some kind of an in-joke with his family, people would just kind of be like, don't worry, when you come of age, you'll be inheriting Ivy Island. Ivy Island is basically just a completely useless swamp.
So, he kind of continues his life. He ends up becoming a shop owner, and he's always had a kind of a pension for excitement and kind of heightening the stakes, so he starts a lottery. And this did not exist in America before that, so he kind of had a part in starting the first lottery at his shop. And because that was controversial, he got some bad reviews, so then he started his own newspaper, which also allowed him to legitimately call out other frauds in newsprint, which got him arrested three different times. He moves to New York, and he says, I need to find the next big thing.
What am I going to do? And he hears about, in Washington, D.C., someone claims to have George Washington's nurse, the woman that says, she says that she changed George Washington's diaper. He has no money, and he has to figure out, even if I sell everything I have, how am I going to do this? How am I going to get the money to buy this woman, because slavery still exists at this point, again, time of Abraham Lincoln. And he says, you know what? I have one thing I can put down as collateral.
It's a family heirloom, Ivy Island. And this woman would have been, I think, over 200 years old, well over 200 years old.
And so there's no way that that was true, and he must have known that, but to his dying day, he claims to have been fooled by it himself. That's the thing with P.T., good old P.T. He was touring with George Washington's wet nurse, and what she would do is you would come in to a big kind of conference hall, and she would just kind of sing songs that she claimed to have sung for Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln or Washington? See, the story's not even... That would have been my first clue. I met Nixon. And I sang this to Elvis Presley 100 years from now.
You love liars. You love fraud.
And so does America. U.S.A. U.S.A. Awesome.
All right, let's go P.T. Barnum. Someone literally made the like, I'm ambivalent noise. It was fine. Aki Ra? All right.
Thank you, Ian. Our next P.T. presenter is a hilarious writer, performer, and columnist for Cracked. Mr. Thomas Ryman. Excellent sitcom neighbor entrance.
You guys really dropped the ball, not all going, oh. Have you guys seen The Raid? Yeah. Raid Redemption. Check it out. Or its sequel, The Raid 2. Rama Sukana was the lady who invented the fighting style that's used in those movies called Penchak Silat.
You look at us like we could correct you if you said it wrong. Am I pronouncing it correctly, everyone?
Someone just leaps down, stabs you, elbows you in the face. If you haven't seen it, The Raid is about a bunch of Indonesian stuntmen beating each other to death in a series of hallways.
It is fantastic. It's the best movie ever. It truly is.
So Lady actually invented that fighting style and she's kind of like a legendary character. There's not a whole lot of like real actual facts about her except everyone agrees that it was this one lady. And the story goes that she's walking down to the river or whatever to do the laundry for the day and you can tell how old it is because she's carrying her laundry in her head. She's walking down to do the laundry in the river like you do. And she sees the, according to different versions of the legend, I'm going to stick with this one first.
She sees two monkeys fighting. One of them is attacking the other one with a stick. So she's watching as this monkey is trying to beat the hell out of this other monkey with a stick and the stickless monkey is doing this like dramatic series of getting the hell out of the way and like dazzling hand moves like swatting it away and just really just avoiding every bit of assault that this stick monkey, we will call it, is unleashing.
And she sits here, it's just transfixed by this as any one of us would be, right? If that was a YouTube video, just put that on TV. That should have been the raid. Yeah. 90 minutes of monkeys beating each other to death. The stick monkey too. Right.
It gets really late. She's like, oh crap, I better get back to my house. Her husband has been sitting at home this entire time wondering when the hell Rama is going to come back with his laundry and also with his dinner. What a dick. Right. Oh, it gets like this guy. Like because he can't eat his dinner unless he's wearing a clean tunic. So both of those chores have to be done at the same time. So she gets back to his house and he immediately sets into her with trying to beat the hell out of her for being late. So she sees him coming at her, which is with this, you know, in full where's my dinner bitch mode and is trying to hit her.
But she's like, oh no, I just watched these monkeys. So I know what to do. So she just lays into what the other monkey was doing to avoid the stick move, you know. It's a dazzling hand moves and deft head bobs and weaves.
And he just cannot land a single blow. And this goes on until he gets tired. Finally, it gets to the point where he's just like, okay.
What are you doing? What is this?
What sorcery have you brought into this house? And she tells him what it is. And then it becomes a pin shot sealant. Now, what do you mean she tells him what it is? Does it have a name that she? Yeah. She demonstrates it to him. Okay. So it seems to assume that she then began like honing it into a cod fight system of martial arts.
Yeah, she demonstrated what she had learned from this monkey. It's unclear where the monkey himself learned it. I assume he picked it up. He picked it up in prison.
He says all marks of the true story. Yeah. Well, again, like I said, it's steeped in legend, but every version of it pretty much agrees that it's this one lady who came up with it, however she came up with it. Right. That's my pick. Give us that name one more time again.
Rama Sukana. My man Jack's going to have to say that right now. You don't think I could root? Rama Sukana. There you go. Are we bored of Aki Ra yet? Aki Ra. Rama Sukana.
Well done. Nicely done, sir.
Up next is the newest full-time member of the crack team, a hilarious writer, performer, and actress. She has a cat that pees magic crystals. It's something we learned at the last live show and many tattoos that are themselves cooler than me. Please give it up for Carmen Angelica.
Yeah. Let's talk about Xing Xi, the most successful pirate captain of all time. Whoo! This is my opinion. Thank you. And also my opinion is fact.
Oh, by the way, she was a woman. Born in 1785, became a prostitute who survived, was born into poverty. Married Captain Zhong Yi. I looked up how to pronounce that, so I don't totally butcher everything.
And then in 1807, Zhong Yi died in a tsunami. And she did not die in the tsunami. Badass! Because she's a badass. They were both in the tsunami? Yeah. That is badass. And she lived. She lived. He died. She surfed him a great pile away from the tsunami, surfed his body.
She like stands up and says, boy, that was some tsunami, huh? She's like, oh. She's like, honey, did you feel that? Oh, no. Oh, all right.
And then because he died, there were a ton of male pirates who were up for the throne. And she was like, no, no, no. I'm in charge now. So she became in charge of the fleet, and it became the biggest pirate fleet, one of the biggest pirate fleets ever, bigger than a lot of navies. She took over every single major pirate organization. She ended up with 1,800 ships and 80,000 pirates that she was in charge of.
Damn. I know. A murmur sweeps through the crowd. I know. 80,000. Get into it with me. This is great.
Not only that, okay, but she organized an inland spy network. She had protection schemes. She was blackmailing people. She was the godfather. Before the godfather, or any of the people that the godfather was based off of, she was the original.
Are we sure she didn't pay the tsunami? No, I believe actually the tsunami paid her to have it ride it, you know?
It's hot. It's pretty hot.
Oh, yeah. She was that bad ass. She also had a very strict moral code as a pirate. She would chop off the heads of anyone who broke the rules, and she would also chop off the ears of anybody who deserted. I don't know why that was a lesser offense. That's what you said deserved it. That's a pretty ambiguous moral code. You're cool. I think she was like maybe they didn't hear me well enough when I said you can't leave, so next time I'm going to cut off your ears so that you just have a hole that my words go straight into. She made sure that no women were mistreated if they captured any women.
They had to be released unless the male pirate and the lady who was stolen was like, oh, I like you. Oh, I like you too. Let's get married. And then they both had to agree, and then they could get married, but if he cheated, she would kill him.
So nobody on, everybody was very faithful in her pirate troops. Then the Chinese government was like, oh, she's too good at this. Oh, she's stealing all our things. We can't do this alone. Sick Chinese government.
And then they organized an imperial fleet, and they were like, hey, British, Dutch. And the British and Dutch were like, okay, we'll help you.
And then they did, and then she met them head on. She didn't turn around. She didn't even like, work around them. Like, she was like, she met them head on and took 60 imperial ships with her. She took 60 of them.
And then the Chinese admiral killed himself because he was like, I don't want her to capture me. So then the Chinese government was like, we don't know what to do.
Peace. And so they offered her a peace treaty.
And she was like, only if every pirate was pardoned and allowed to retire unpunished, and they got to keep all the loot that they stole. And then she was like, my husband needs to be the new head of the Navy because the guy before killed himself. Was her husband a fellow pirate, or did she capture someone and then marry her? No, she took a, she was like, I think when she became the head of the pirates, she was like, you, you're my husband.
You are my country boy. And then he was like, okay. Yeah, you don't want to know if she's going to chop off if you refuse that. So then she was like, he gets to be the head of the Navy because I scared the head of the Navy so much. He killed himself. And then she was like, but I'm done. And so she's like, but you can make me a noble lady. So she was like a lady, she was considered the lady of Imperial Decree, and she died in 1844 at the age of 69. Well, now you just put me over the top. So now up to that point, Ching-Chi.
Thank you guys for coming out. Thank you. Hi, everyone. Thank you for watching that video.
I'm not going to tell you to like or subscribe because you're obviously varsity at YouTube by now. It's been out for long enough that you know how this all works. You can always comment. Of course, you know that too. You can pretty much do whatever you want. You can just wait for this to end and for the next video to load because, you know, there's autoplay now, although I don't know in the future if YouTube will continue to do that. Obviously, the more that I talk, the less chance there is that you'll be able to advance to the next video because there's so much time that I'm taking up right now. You should probably actually just pick something from the rail next to me. It's a lot easier.
Different versions of the legend. I want to stick with this one first.
She sees two monkeys fighting. One of them is attacking the other one with a stick. So she's watching as this monkey is trying to beat the hell out of this other monkey with a stick, and the stickless monkey is doing this like dramatic series of getting the hell out of the way and like dazzling hand moves, like swatting it away and just really just avoiding every bit of assault that this stick monkey, we will call her, is unleashing. And she sits here, it's just transfixed as any one of us would be, right? If that was a YouTube video, just put that on TV. That should have been the raid. Ninety minutes of monkeys beating each other to death. The stick monkey, too.
It gets really late. She's like, oh crap, I better get back to my house. Her husband has been sitting at home this entire time wondering when the hell Rama is going to come back with his laundry and also with his dinner.
What a dick. Right. Oh, it gets f*** this guy.
Because he can't eat his dinner unless he's wearing a clean tunic, so both of those chores have to be done at the same time. So she gets back to his house and he immediately sets into her with trying to beat the hell out of her for being late. So she sees him coming at her with this, you know, in full where's my dinner bitch mode and is trying to hit her but she's like, oh no, I just watched these monkeys so I know what to do. So she just lays into what the other monkey was doing to avoid the stick move, you know. It's a dazzling hand move and deft head bobs and weaves and he just cannot land a single blow. And this goes on until he gets tired. Finally it gets to the point where he's just like, okay, what are you doing?
What is this? What sorcery have you brought into this house?
And she tells him what it is and then it becomes Penchoc Silat. Now what do you mean she tells him what it is? Does it have a name that she... She demonstrates it to him. So it seems to assume that she then began like cloning it into a copyright system of martial arts? She demonstrated what she had learned from this monkey. It's unclear where the monkey himself learned it.
I assume he picked it up. He picked it up in prison. That's all marks of the true story. Well, again, like I said, it's steeped in legend but every version of it pretty much agrees that it's this one lady who came up with it however she came up with it. That's my pick.
Give us that name one more time again. Rama Sukana. My man Jack's going to have to say that right now. You don't think I could have written it? Rama Sukana. Are we bored of Aki Ra yet? Aki Ra. Rama Sukana.
Well done. Up next is the newest full-time member of the crack team, a hilarious writer, performer, and actress. She has a cat that pees magic crystals. It's something we learned at the last live show and many tattoos that are themselves cooler than me. Please give it up for Carmen Angelica. Yeah. Let's talk about Ching Chi, the most successful pirate captain of all time.
This is my opinion. And also my opinion is fact.
Oh, by the way, she was a woman. Born in 1785, became a prostitute to survive, was born into poverty. Married captain Jung Yi. I looked up how to pronounce that so I don't totally butcher everything.
And then in 1807, Jung Yi died in a tsunami. And she did not die in the tsunami. Badass. Because she's a badass. They were both in the tsunami? Yeah. That is bad. And she lived. She lived. He died. She surfed him a point grade style away from the tsunami, surfed his body.
She like stands up. She's like, boy, that was some tsunami, huh? She's like, oh. She's like, honey, did you feel that? Oh, no. Oh, all right.
And then because he died, there were a ton of male pirates who were up for the throne. And she was like, no, no, no. I'm in charge now. So she became in charge of the fleet. And it became the biggest pirate fleet, one of the biggest pirate fleets ever, bigger than a lot of navies. She took over every single major pirate organization. She ended up with 1,800 ships and 80,000 pirates that she was in charge of.
Damn. I know. A murmur sweeps through the crowd. I know. 80,000 pirates. Get into it with me. This is great. Not only that, OK.
But she organized an inland spy network. She had protection schemes. She was blackmailing people. She was the godfather. Before the godfather, or any of the people that the godfather was based off of, she was the original.
Are we sure she didn't pay the tsunami? No, I believe actually the tsunami paid her to have it ride it.
That's pretty hot. Oh, yeah.
She was that bad ass. She also had a very strict moral code as a pirate. She would chop off the heads of anyone who broke the rules. She would also chop off the ears of anybody who deserted.
I don't know why that was a lesser offense. So like you said, deserved it. That's a pretty ambiguous moral code. You and you. You're cool. I think she was like, maybe they didn't hear me well enough when I said you can't leave. So next time I'm going to cut off your ears so that you just have a hole that my words go straight into. And she made sure that no women were mistreated if they captured any women. They had to be released unless the male pirate and the lady who was stolen was like, oh, I like you. Oh, I like you too.
Let's get married. And then they both had to agree. And then they could get married.
But if he cheated, she would kill him. So everybody was very faithful in her pirate troops. Then the Chinese government was like, oh, she's too good at this. Oh, she's stealing all our things. We can't do this alone. Sick Chinese government.
Yeah. And then they organized an imperial fleet. And they were like, hey, British, Dutch. And the British and Dutch were like, OK, we'll help you. And then they did.
And then she met them head on. She didn't turn around. She didn't even work around them. She met them head on and took 60 imperial ships with her. She took 60 of them.
And then the Chinese admiral killed himself because he was like, I don't want her to capture me. So then the Chinese government was like, we don't know what to do.
Peace. And so they offered her a peace treaty. And she was like, only if every pirate was pardoned and allowed to retire unpunished. And they got to keep all the loot that they stole.
And then she was like, my husband needs to be the new head of the Navy. Because the guy before killed himself. Was her husband a fellow pirate? Or did she capture someone and then marry him? No, she was like, I think when she became the head of the pirate, she was like, you.
You're my husband. You are my only wife.
And then he was like, OK. Yeah, you don't want to know what she's going to chop off if you refuse that. So then she was like, he gets to be the head of the Navy, because I scared the head of the Navy so much. She killed himself. And then she was like, but I'm done.
And so she's like, but you can make me a noble lady. So she was considered the lady of imperial decree. And she died in 1844 at the age of 69.
Well, now you just put me over the top. So now up to that point. Ching Chi. Thank you guys for coming out. We really thank you. The less chance there is that you'll be able to advance to the next video, because there's so much time that I'm taking up right now. You should probably actually just pick something from the rail next to me. It's a lot easier. |
TheOnion | Pop_Star_s_Single_Booty_Wave_Most_Likely_Civilization_s_Downfall | God, you're just the worst now tell us Karanika How did you first decide that you wanted to be the cipher through which the cynicism of a morally bankrupt industry is channeled?
Yo, I just do what I do know I'm saying it's like people just love my ish Right now your latest single booty wave Honestly, I can't believe I just had to say those two words is Currently number one in the nation despite the fact that Rolling Stone magazine called you quote definitive proof that mankind is inherently evil That's right.
Y'all just got a booty and wave booty Please wave booty and wave booty booty booty booty booty this one the end of civilization seems most imminent And just to be clear you latest track I'm gonna slam y'all deep featuring pitbull now Karanika According to my notes here. |
TheOnion | High_Unemployment_Rate_Linked_To_One_Man_With_42_000_Jobs | All right, some news now on the economy. Following the release of this month's anemic jobs report, financial analysts say they finally figured out the reason for the high unemployment rate.
An Illinois resident named Jim Richmond, who's been working 42,000 jobs since early 2009. Richmond works at 46 Wal-Mart locations, drives a school bus, is the CEO of the Oracle Corporation, works as a nursing home attendant, is a commercial lobster fisherman, gives piano lessons, and holds more than 41,000 other positions.
He says that he doesn't understand where all the talk of the sluggish job market comes from. Why does everyone have such a hard time finding a job?
I mean, just today I found three more jobs during my lunch hour. Look, I got to finish up these potholes before I make a diplomatic trip to South Korea for my US ambassador job.
And though people have accused Richmond of giving many of his jobs short shrift, his 42,000 bosses have nothing but positive things to say about him. Jim's a great employee. He worked a double shift on Ladies Night, and he still made it on time to do his scene in an adult film. I've seen his work. He's good. Richmond has rejected calls to give any of his jobs to unemployed Americans because he has 270,000 mortgages to pay. And we should also point out that Jim is one of our camera operators here in the fact zone and a damn fine one at that. Keep up the good work, Jim. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_06_7_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details. G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the weekly Batuda News Bulletin, coming to you from Koala Studios in downtown Batuda. Before we get to the top stories from the Batuda Advocate, Australia's oldest and most respected newspaper, have a listen to the editors Clancy and Errol's chat with the most successful Aussie hip-hop artist in the country, MC Cursor. Make sure you're listening at the end to hear the little snippet our producer Murray dropped in. It's his first proper chat with a media organisation, and that's going to be coming to you this Monday. Now, let's get the bulletin started.
Starting off this week, an inner-city lefty has begun a painful transition into becoming a liberal voter after inheriting enough money to buy his first home. The 38-year-old's mother died earlier this month, nearly 10 years to the day since his old man dropped out of reception, leaving him with a large chunk of cash. Once a champion of the fight against social inequality and the rights of others, now the man named Daniel Pooley is more or less concerned about himself and those just like him.
He said to us, And in national news, the iconic streetwear brand Culture Kings has been thrown into chaos this week with an across-the-board shortage of L.A. Lakers flat brim caps. The dope hip-hop store, popular amongst SoundCloud enthusiasts White Boys and Scaffolders across the country, has gone into crisis mode after news came out that LeBron James has joined the Los Angeles Lakers NBA franchise. One team leader at the local store sat down with our reporters this week to explain the situation. The team leader said while toying with the outline of a star that was cut into his fade.
And in other news, a dedicated local office worker told The Advocate that she's hoping the large multinational company she works for really appreciates the fact that she stayed back until 10 p.m. While Instagram told her that her friends were only a block away having the time of their young lives, the 25-year-old certainly was not having the time of hers. Though she's barely made a dent in the mountain of work in front of her, the popular junior solicitor told our reporters that she's quietly pleased with her progress. But the chances of any of her superiors at Clayton, Minter and Piper knowing that she's still got her nose to the grindstone is slim to none. Luke Sackville texted our editor Clancy this week saying that he once did a 9 a.m to 8 a.m stretch in an ad agency and they were nice enough to let him come back in at lunch.
But at least they had a ping-pong table. And elsewhere around town, a city boy has finally landed himself a city girl after rebranding himself as a country boy. A local concrete cowboy's decade-long campaign to come across as a bushy has finally paid off today, as he shares an open-mouth kiss with a young girl who grew up roughly 20 minutes drive away from where he grew up. For 29-year-old Mort to Shane, the joy of landing himself a good city girl comes after a lot of hard work. More specifically, six months jackarooing up north and another six years building houses with feral townies on Batuta's city limits. But it's all paid off now.
Internationally this week, and the Russian football team are enjoying a few more days with kneecaps. The good news comes on the back of Russia's World Cup win over heavily fancied Spain, which is described by many as being one of the best games they've seen in the last day and a half. Russian manager Stanislav Cherichysov said in his post-match press conference, Meanwhile, despite their early exit from the World Cup, the Spanish team also left in good spirits. After reports emerged that Putin had officially released their families and that they were allowed to see them again.
On the sporting front, and it seems like the Filipinos are still a bit dirty about the whole Jeff Horn fight, it's believed the fight between the Australian and Filipino basketball sides occurred because the Philos were urged to defend their country's honour against the cocky Australians. This comes after the embarrassing defeat of their boxing champ Manny Pacquiao by Australian Jeff Horn in the Battle of Brisbane, which took place exactly a year ago. Basketball Australia CEO Anthony Moore said the shocking scenes at the Philippine arena in the World Cup qualifying match was an attempt by the proud people of the Southeast Asian country to avenge their defeated champion Manny Pacquiao. Geez, don't take it out on us, Moore wrote on Twitter. It's not our fault Manny Pacquiao's a little bitch.
Lmao. Alright, now here's that quick little segment from Cursa's interview we mentioned earlier. Have a quick listen. Yeah, it was very exciting man and I found it very fun. I kind of miss battling to tell you the truth, man. I really enjoyed it.
So where would you go and do them? Like just at a venue or in a car park? Um, start in a car park and then they eventually got venues and um yeah I'll do them in travel to Melbourne on my own, Adelaide on my own, sometimes take the crew but you know when you got a...
That's when it gets political. When you got a group of mates from Campbelltown who don't know much about battle rap and you're standing across from someone calling you a fuckwit, they're gonna, what's he talking about? Nah, nah, they're meant to do it. What do you mean? He's talking about your misses.
So I just started going on my own, like to save the drama. I can stay home. Anyway, that's it for the news rep this week. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. |
SaturdayNightLive | hot_girl_hospital_snl | This fall, a new medical drama for our times. It's Hot Girl Hospital.
I need a boat! The Stat! Oh! Ma'am, I'm right here. you in good hands. what's her status? forty-six, female, meat as hell. she ain't giving what you want to be gave. Oh, my god, and the fit. trash, garbage. I need a Bbl stat. six ccs of tummy teeth and whatever fashion number we got. What's a Bbl? just let my basic ass die. No, ma'am, you gonna be a bad bitch real soon. Yeah!
From Shonda Rhimes and the top commenters on The Shave Room's Instagram, it's Hot Girl Hospital. The story of three everyday heroes glowing up their community, one dusty chick at a time. Oh, girl, I got to work on double tonight. girl, I know, and I got a weevo plastic followed by an emergency twerk exam. this job, I swear to God. hold up. Who that? my friend, my friend, he's been in an accident. I don't want to die. uh-uh. uh-uh, he's leaving. we don't do all that here. you can go, Ma'am. when life is on the line, these are the three women who will answer the call, say something rude, then hang up. Hey, I'm Charlie, New York Presbyterian Cardiologist. Okay. but we don't do that here. we do wigs, butts, and clothes. if you want something else, you more than welcome to look around. Okay, so what kind of hospital is this, then? Okay, so boom.
Draymond Green had gotten in trouble for punching his teammate, right? and the Nba had made him do community service. So basically, he had flew out a bunch of Ig baddies. and put us in a building with some grannies and some wheelchairs, and he called to the hospital. Thank you, Draymond.
The New York Times calls it somehow empowering and regressive at the same time. And variety says, I don't feel comfortable reviewing this as a white guy. Five Stars.
I need to speak to Dr. Simmons. it's an emergency. um, I ain't talking to no Dr. Simmons right now because, um, she's fake. What? can I just see a doctor, please? I mean, you can see her, but I'm not gonna get her. Nurse, where's Janelle? I ain't talking to her, she fake. she got a little white coat and thinks she better than everybody. mm-hmm. Okay, well, can you just page her, please? imagine. imagine me saying, page and Dr. Simmons. couldn't be me. couldn't be me. all of the drama, none of the appropriate response. because at the hot Girl hospital, help ain't on the way.
I'm getting out Dms every day. Oh, snap, what's up? do you know them? Oh, baby, I've never seen them before in my life. you think you slip. coming in here with your white, white. talking about hubby water bro.
Boy, get your lying ass on. good luck to that baby. her daddy went all birds. And on a very special season finale. where's my wife? is she okay? oh, she wasn't okay, baby. she bad. Girl, come on out, girl. it's giving. thank you. yeah! you better work it, bitch. you better work it, bitch. hot girl hospital, coming this hot girl fall. Thank you, baby. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_sparkle_players_christmas_show_snl | Hey, settle down people, everyone needs to calm down. People, I have to say, in all my years as a Principal, I've never seen such an immature outburst, Okay?
The Northeast Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir has worked extremely hard on their Christmas Show, Jingle Jingle Jam, to put you all in the holiday spirit and you people are acting like a bunch of animals. And I can promise that Dana, Rachel, Joyce, and Mikash do not appreciate that, Okay? Now, I know all of them want to finish this show. Not really, I mean, we can probably just go back and- no, we are gonna let the Sparkle Players finish their jingle Jam, and you are all gonna pay attention whether you like it or not, Okay? Yeah, yeah. Now, without further ado, let's welcome again The Northeast Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir. ["we wish you a Merry Christmas"] ["we wish you a Merry Christmas"] ["and a funky New Year"] Shut up! we're rapping out class, we're rapping out dinners and Christmas time, We got Mikash on the scissors and Dana on the boat.
Now, all's that we're missing are the hoe, hoe, hoe, hoe.
Seize The claws, Get down! Seize the claws, Get down! Get down, my chimney, Ow!
Yeah! okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, who threw that? Get up here, right now. Now, Trevor, I don't know what you think is so funny, but no One is leaving this entire show until this entire show's finished. Okay, so let's just get all those laughs out right now. ha, ha, ha, ha!
Mikash has a weird accent. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! And he said, he said, seen her claws instead of Santa Claus. seen her claws? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dana has a girl's name even though he's a boy. ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah, that's hilarious. their show is bad. ha, ha, ha, ha!
Great, it's all out, Okay? Now you sit down. right. All right, let's get on with the show. Sparkle Players, take it away. Do we have to? Yes. let's go.
No!
You're here! This is Yay! Okay, okay, Trevor, get Up here Right Now. Get Up Here.
All right, now I want you to repeat what you just said straight to Hanukkah Elvis's face. no, actually, that's okay. No, it's not okay. Say what you just said. this is Yay!
Okay, okay, Rachel, are you gay? No. Okay, Joyce, are you gay? No. Okay, Mikash, are you gay?
Yes. Okay, wait, Mikash, do you think gaming is happy? Yes. so you're happy? No. okay. and why did you just say yes? Oh, because I got nervous. Okay, look, let's just get through this, Okay? Oh, and guess what? everyone's getting attention. Yeah.
I'm going to kill you, Mikash! Okay, Trevor, you get back up here. get back up here. Guess what? Guess what, Bud? you're staying up here the rest of the show. Rad. No, please, no! And continue. Yeah, who is this? you're a girl! Go, Dana!
Yeah! we love us! Do, do, do, Mikash, I'm home! What? my name is Mikash and I'm here to say my man, Ceter Koss, made me feel gay.
No! I mean, it's happening. Trevor! Come on! No! No Way! |
dropout | nerd_transformation | Hey, welcome home point, Dexter. What? Found your old yearbook. You were a total nerd, man. That was a long time ago.
Oh, this is the best episode. They're the one where Bart and Milton Haus joined the Boy Scouts. Oh man, I hope they never cancel the Simpsons. Gets better every season.
Oh, by the way, have your Evil Deads 2 DVD you lent me. I didn't get it. Was it funny? Was it scary? You know what was awesome, though?
Buffy was a vampire. Except for that. That played Buffy. Who was that? Matt. Matt, search Buffy on Yahoo.
You can use my computer. It has Windows Vista, so you know it's secure.
Hey, what do you think HTTP stands for? I guess nobody knows. Get down, dude. I'm trying to enter the Zooniverse.
Do you believe I almost bought an iPod?
Get me a sandwich. Yes, sir. |
cracked | mandy_review_aka_the_one_where_nic_cage_has_a_chainsaw_duel | Hey Welcome to crack movie club this show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books, but better I am the father of a girl who's turning three today and I'm Doing this little announcement so that in 15 years when I show her this video on her 18th birthday She'll be like so touched. I thought you were gonna say that you were to show her this movie now's like I actually do have I have a reminder set on my phone for her 18th birthday to show her Promising young woman. Have you seen that one yet?
Yes, I have why 18 and why that? So that she could notice stay away from men. I don't know. I don't think men exist until you're 18, right?
Is that how that that's true? I certainly didn't well, but I lived in a basement for most for most of my Childhood and young adult. Yeah.
Yeah, what else is on your phone? What other miles?
You know, like when things like clip in and out in a video game Like before you're 18, you just sort of like walk through the world in the minute you turn 18 Yeah, I've been I've been lagging for 15 years. Yeah, I was waiting for something to happen He's just walking into a wall and we're like that guy's bugging. He's completely glitched and My name is Jordan breeding and I'm joined by my co-hosts Jesse and Ally say hello All Can I say something that my parents told me I couldn't watch until I was 13 go or listen to So when I was a kid, I was a huge fan of Prince I still am but like I was like a six-year-old who was like favorite album was purple rain I don't know how that happened, but that's true And there was one song on purple rain darling Nikki Which I was not allowed to listen to and so every time we were in the car and the CD was playing They would skip that track and they were like diligent Like I remember once they left me in the car to go grab something and I could see that track four was like running out And I was like, oh my god The track five is gonna start like when they're gone and they were like clink and they like went to a different CD and I was like no Anyway, and it's like I guess it's slightly more offensive than other ones. I don't know if they say masturbate Whatever, so I assume any seconds in are we? Oh, yeah. Sorry. That wasn't a curse word It was in my household You weren't allowed to say mom I masturbated Well, so anyway, they were like when you are 13 on your 13th birthday you can listen to darling Nikki and I was like Okay, so in my head I had built this song up to basically be the most Mind-blowing filthy experience of my whole life Like I was like what what I hear in this song will shape me for the rest of my days And it really is very tame and so it was very disappointing Like I thought I was gonna learn about like, I don't know I can't I guess I'm afraid to say what I thought I was gonna learn cuz I don't know how far away we are You should write that song.
I I had a similar experience with I was never allowed to play Grand Theft Auto And so when I turned 17, I went and bought it myself, but it was several years behind So it was just I was like, this is terrible. I don't enjoy this at all I had like Grand Theft Auto 3 like 10 years later.
They were gonna be they were all going to be walking around fully nude Yeah, yeah, I was hoping and speaking of I don't know. This is not a transition if here's a transition Yeah, I think that that weird thing that Ally's parents did with that song would have been a really good tactic for the cult leader In this film to us excellent.
Yeah, now we're talking. Yeah good good good way to call it back So we're talking about Mandy because we mistakenly believed that it was Nicolas Cage week on cracked It is not it is Sonic and retro gaming week. So this has nothing to do with anything We're just here talking about Nick Cage because it's always a good time to talk about Nick Cage Check back in the week retro. I feel yeah, maybe it's it did it took place in 1983 right perfect and and they made sure to remind you of that It's just like one of my pet thieves about stranger things is all of a sudden would be like here's a commercial from 1979 Coca-Cola, they did the same thing here. Yes. Okay.
Well, they made one up one of those was fake The yeah that the one with the cheese goblin. That's not a real cheddar goblin cheddar goblin. Oh, yeah, that's a fake commercial Yeah to I went to the Alamo draft house this weekend to see everything everywhere all at once for a second time And while I was there they were selling boxes of cheddar goblin Macaroni and cheese to take home ostensibly I don't know if you make it or if you just keep the box But I walked in and I was like I get that now. I get that now.
I watch that this And they were sort of like yeah, but they're also showing Mandy they're doing like a re Re-shoot, what do you call it? Run run. What do you call it when you like re-put movies in theaters? Another run they rerun it. I don't know they they're rerunning Around here doing Mandy a bunch nice And if anybody has an observation or a question or an alternate movie title for Mandy just to keep this train moving Please tell it to us in the comments and Brian will grab it and we will address it at the end if we deem it worthy So now that we've talked about so many other things Ali, can you recap this movie in like 30 seconds?
Yes, it is the year 1983 of our Lord, it's very important And to very in love people named Mandy and red are living a very idyllic life in this seemingly like the Pacific Northwest or maybe the mountains of California or something like that for sure and one day Mandy goes into town and a Strange man sees her and becomes absolutely obsessed with her That is because he is a weird LSD cult leader slash failed musician a la Manson who is convinced that she is the Key to whatever his next cult thing is however, this does not go well and what ends up happening is they kill her so red who is her husband is a set loose on a maniacal revenge mission which involves axes and chainsaws and tigers and Space imagery and it is just like a weir. It's just like a crazy 80s metal album revenge fantasy For a while.
Was that it? That's exactly yeah.
Yeah, that's good And so actually I feel like that's my first point which is I think everybody that watches this movie Essentially tells you and remembers probably the second half of this movie Yeah, because it is the first half was a bit slow to be honest a bit. It was Shockingly slow. It's the first dialogue is a is like what a knock-knock joke You just you spend like 20 minutes in the slow intimacy of two people who already know each other And so don't divulge any plot points, right?
But it is kind of crazy cuz like even in those moments It's all very psychedelic and like even when they're just like laying in bed talking about the novel She just read or the painting she's gonna paint it like turns red and purple and stars get projected and then they're suddenly Okay, I looked for IMDB tags for this movie none of which were particularly funny So they weren't they weren't worth like collecting for us However, the first user question was does Mandy take place on earth and at first I laughed I was like doesn't Mandy take place on earth. Then I was like This man does it Great question does Mandy take place on a It does I mean the backgrounds very suddenly turn into these like outer space vignettes these like otherworldly things where the moon is It's like way too big Yeah, you know planets Overlapping and colliding and they look they don't look like planets in our solar system Like does Mandy take place on earth? It's actually a surprisingly great question.
I think it takes place on earth I think it takes place in the novel that she's reading That's Well, I don't know but that's my hot take is that I think it's it is essentially like you're saying It's like a heavy metal album come to life. I think it's a heavy metal Fantasy book come to life because like how else do you explain the fact that Nick Cage literally? Forges a metal battle axe like on an anvil in a day.
Yeah, he's like and done Yeah, also That's the Eismann style theory about this movie, this is my first time let's hear it Okay, I was what movie did you think you watched? Okay So, you know how whenever we're watching a movie Jesse's like I thought that in that moment His brain tethered on snaps. He went on tethered and and we're like and then we're like we're watching drop dead You're gorgeous Jesse.
Like what are you talking about? Right?
So I actually thought so the first half of the movie is still pretty crazy, but not I guess beyond belief because It is sort of meant to be sort of Manson E Which is true that they like were very sequestered and he was a failed musician and they used to do LSD before they killed people So I was like this is certainly Hard to believe but not beyond the realm of believability and then the second half of the movie, which is this like metal Album revenge fantasy. It does have moments of like absurdity including like telepathic speech and Fighting with chainsaws and blah blah blah. So there's a moment right after Basically the halfway point of the movie where the Mandy title card comes up which comes up at an hour 15 in which I was pretty pretty brave That he's driving to go save her and he gets waylaid by the like demonic motorcycle people He they like blow up his car. The screen goes entirely black then like little blue stars sort of fill his vision And then there was an animated Mandy. It's the first time In the movie like they've never like cut to a cartoon And she is like has her eyes closed and she like snaps her eyes open and they're white and then he like wakes up and I was like, oh he died and The end of this movie is just this insane Fantasy that this man is having in his last moments cuz like, you know how your brain releases like insane amounts of like DM Before you die essentially. I was like, oh the end of this movie is a trip where he envisions getting revenge on these people But none of this really happened. He just got blown up in his car.
I Love it Well, I fully support this now, I'm I think it's too easy It's one of those things like when I was watching it, I wasn't like oh I've cracked the case I'm watching the movie the right way because I don't really think that there is a right way to watch the movie the movie is just a lot of imagery and you're sort of like whoa, I'm a sailed by this imagery and so I don't think that like Aha, I got it. I cracked the case However, it was fun to watch the movie through the lens of like what if he's dead? I don't know I just yeah, I had like a real drop-dead gorgeous moment. I Definitely think regardless of what we think does or doesn't literally happen. It's it seems very clearly written to be Whatever the screenwriter thought would be rad, you know, yeah, he was just like he has a battle axe We're gonna make Nick Cage in his tighty-whities just scream just a lot just like apparently he had a scream coach I saw that on IMD Cage like worked with like a coach for healthy screaming because he does so much screaming Kinds of screaming he wanted to do like grief screaming, but he also wanted to do primal rage screaming So he like work. I like that. I noticed that his screaming was really it seemed very deliberate seemed very practice, but not you know Well, I yeah, I mean obviously I so somebody asked about this already I Do feel like yet the clearly one of the things that definitely makes it either a DMT trip or a Novelization or not even on earth entirely is the chainsaw duel Which is probably the for me the most memorable moment was the chainsaw Because it would have been cool and interesting anyway, but one of the guys chainsaws It's like 10 feet long. Like there's no There's no conceivable world where that's a real thing that's been invented for a specific purpose or is there? Yeah, I imagine I feel like that's real.
I don't know for sure but that struck me as like, oh, this is for big treats Oh, yeah, they probably live near like redwoods and stuff they probably have to get like really big well He's he's like an ex-logger. I Think I think Nick Cage's character is a lot But I think they have like yeah equipment for that I still I don't think they ask a man to carry a 10-foot chainsaw. That's portable in that way You can't even fit that in a vehicle like that's that's got to be attached to a bulldozer.
Well, I mean everything the axe was crazy the axe was like a bizarre shape that had been welded out of Pure silver like it felt like a D&D weapon. It didn't feel real, you know Two two points on that so that axe was based on the logo for some like hardcore band that the writer was really into but also if you've watched even a second of Forged in fire that blade will not cut that is not a sturdy blade Like you don't make a good sword or whatever by just like shoring it. Yeah Yeah, you like make knives and you test it on like pig carcasses and stuff like that So but like a good knife you don't just like pour some like aluminum into a little ditch you digged in the ground You gotta like you gotta pound it.
You gotta, you know Before every fight he always says you gotta pound it you gotta pound it yo pound it I did I mean it's all very little about the movie makes sense when you like Genuinely get into the details even the fact that like He the cult leader repays these demon bikers in essentially a human ritual and some goop, you know, I mean like Some tainted LSD goop and so it like I guess if you if you don't want to think about it too much You're like, yeah, they need the goop Any more than that you're like wait They need the that's why this movie takes place on earth. Maybe there's a goop Gotta have my goop. Oh, yeah, this is very much a Soylent Green scenario. That's what he was getting at It's like goop is people. Oh my god The goop is tainted people That the scene where he goes to talk to the chemist but he never says anything and the chemist is like reading his mind, right? Did I'm talking about yeah, like again, I think doesn't really make any sense One thing that that didn't make sense to a degree that took me out of it It's like why would a biker gang work for a cult? I guess the good literal answer is cuz they give because they give him goop and they give him a dead body once in a while But like wouldn't like a good cult leader would recruit the bikers to be part of the cult He would change his cult to include whatever the bikers got going on and he would absorb I don't think you want those dudes in your cult those dudes you use them as enforcers You give them the goop when you need them, but like man those dudes are spiky I mean if you bump how are they gonna fit in the van you sit next to one of those? He's freaking covered in nails. The upholstery is going to be Obliterated that's you can't have a good point That is exactly the sort of thing a father of a three-year-old child would say I'm not letting you in the van Yeah, I'm not letting you They're all like sorry Right it is interesting To try and suss out what they even are I mean, I guess they're like maybe demons But why are they summoned with whistles and and then also writing ATVs like it So you would think that they would appear if they were fully demonic, but they don't they have to drive Yeah, so yeah, they're just guys That was like that was Polish like right after the movie came out in like 2018 That was like Mandy explained Parentheses kinda and it was like there's not really much to explain here if you're looking for an answer The movie's just kind of crazy but here's my best attempt and so something that in that article it had said was that their understanding of the bikers is that they used to be regular people just bikers and that they were Basically poisoned or like their brains just like snapped from this this tainted bad LSD the goop and so Now they don't like want human things or behave like humans. They have like like it's almost superhuman strength and they require human sacrifice And I was like, okay, I like as much as anything makes sense that makes sense Yeah, I I ate a lot of goop once and then I wanted to eat people Yeah, exactly like like they like they ate too much bad goop and then they went from like wanting to eat Cheesy goblin or whatever to being like wait, what about people instead?
Yeah. Yeah Also, who's telling me that I want people now. Also, like wouldn't be awesome if my shirt was entirely covered in nails Is that it? I mean, it's it's very cool. I'm gonna get your daughter that for her 18th birthday great That'll keep nails. Yeah, that'll keep the men away. Hopefully. Yeah, really fact. Yeah.
Yeah No, she'll be surrounded by other spiky spiky dudes spiky biker Well, it'll be like water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink because nobody can touch anybody cuz they're all so spiky They're all spiked Wow, I I'm gonna be a great father of an 18 year old What one other thing that I wanted to so I we're kind of talking some thematic stuff what I think is Interesting is have either of you seen the film Drive? It's with Ryan Gosling it with Ryan Gosling. Yeah This movie for whatever reason kept making me think of that movie Cuz there was a cousin of cool jackets there was a car in it. No. Oh, you think you drive my car? Yeah, right That was a lot like Mandy almost almost indistinguishable like basically a riff. I haven't seen that one No, I know I was gonna say something about I feel like we had a South Korean film riff at some point But I'm not gonna get into it now cuz I don't remember it well enough to probably not make it offensive but so the movie drive is also starring sort of a guy who likes a girl and who just Just massacres people in the most neon soaked crazy violent ways and the reason that it came to mind for whatever reason is they did an interview with the director of that movie of Drive and He said he was trying to make a fairy tale in the sense that in the fairy tale There's like the girl there's the night But the way that the night saves the girl and I realized this is she's dead in this so he's not saving anyone But is just through this really? Pretty intense insane violence that gets watered down as it gets to us But if you were to present it in Los Angeles during modern times That's when people's heads are getting blown off and this felt even more literal which is like Nick Cage Is the night and I realize he's doing more of an avenging thing than he is like a saving anybody thing, but it just felt like episodic or is it how do you pronounce it chaotic or kick sodic or It's pick. Oh, yeah, it's pick a rask. Let's say that Key key hot it is very episode. He said that weird line and it just it felt very Yeah fairy tale as Yeah, if that's the word which it very well may not be at all And I don't know why it just like to me felt very parallel to Drive where it's a lot of slow just neon lights everywhere and then intercut with just like insane crazy violence Yeah, I mean there's a lot. Oh my gosh.
What is that movie called? Oh Do you know when you have a point and then as you're about to make the point it goes No, I've never once had a point. So I envy you for even getting there There is a movie that came out not that long ago. That is about a bunch of dancers who Have a bad trip. They like take that Like that No, that one's crazy too though that movie was really sick No, then there's like very little dialogue if like no dialogue and they just dance But it's like clear through the dancing like the progression of their trip and like the kind of emotions they have And it's like one of those same things where it's like a neon nightmare Oh, no, is somebody in the in the chat gonna have somebody somebody says climax climax climax Thank you the Also another alternative is it could be bad trip, which is the the movie with Andre Eric Andre and that's the one where they go on a bad trip in Europe. No, that's Road trip Europe or whatever Are you about girls trip are you talking about the trip with what's this for good face the Steve Coogan that one's great, too. Oh, yeah Or that one more Barbara Streisand and Seth Rogen or mother and daughter mother and daughter Speaking of leave it leave it in the final speed of movies Paul Blart mall cop.
What are we doing? Did you have a point about dancing other than that it was in fact that That it was similar to vibe lies like just neon madness Yeah, and it's also that like much like the second half of Mandy It's like not a ton of dialogue. Yeah, just kind of a is this really happening? Is this a nightmare? Is this in their heads?
Are they really and like because they're amazing Dancers and they're like they're like I don't even know it. I'm so uncultured. They're sort of like modern slash like vogue dancers Like they're very like ballroom scene dancers not like ballerinas So they can do like really crazy things with their body already And so like even as that progresses and they're doing even crazier things with their body You like can't tell if you're supposed to be impressed by their craft or if you're supposed to be like repulsed.
It's very interesting It was a hard watch Alright Well watch it. Thank you. We'll watch the Dancing vogue neon Violent nightmare dream. It's time.
We start making movies instead of just watching them. Yeah every week. We should make a new move That would be a really interesting podcast I feel like if if Somebody like Spielberg got on in on that that'd be pretty fun. Make like a short film every week.
Oh All right, so those one of the other things I want to talk about so the music was written by and performed I don't know if it's performed but it's made by the his name is like Yohan Yohannesen or something who did Sicario and arrival Which is to say a lot bigger movies and a lot more Elegance, I mean Sicario is pretty intense, but arrival is a lot grander and stuff I felt like the soundtrack was just a lot of like just like hitting a guitar with a hammer and just kind of like Letting it Yeah, his cat walked across his synth And that was 40 minutes of the movie I thought it was great But I I I mean it was great in the sense that I think it mostly fit the mood But I actually was surprised it didn't get heavier or like more metal. It just felt like so I Don't know anything about The modern heavy metal scene like what is what is cool what it sounds like what the fads are So to me, I was just like yeah Yes, Brian, you know Well, I was gonna say it's important that you know One of the cool things that's happened is bring bring the horizon bring me the horizon Used to be a really heavy band and they they now do stuff with BTS. So that's pretty much where we're at I would say that's that's the cool new metal but also the metal sound Meddily, or does it sound? Contemporary pop B. Yeah, it's a lot more that Interesting you guys ever you guys ever hear baby metal? Yeah What's that? It's cool man.
It's a band are they are they're Children, I don't know if they're babies But they're like young girls from Jordan. You know where they're from. It's it's either J. Paprika. It's either Korea or Japan It's um, it's basically like slipknot dudes So like guys in scary masks playing metal music But with a trio of of k-pop singer dancers little girls And so it's there's one song I know they have more famous ones, but there's one that I have actually on a Spotify rotation that frickin Rips, and I'm gonna find it because it's it's a deep cut But you guys should talk about something else. I'm not gonna play it but Kids are amazing at screaming like they have they know how to scream Healthfully, they don't like get nodes or hurt their vocal cords somehow I don't know how that happens, but kids can scream all day and they never like her like a little horse today I kind of you overuse my voice yesterday kids just and like I think they might actually be the perfect front people for like a Screaming heavy metal band where they just sort of rip their vocal cords The song is called. I think we got it. The song is called brand new day by baby metal and I wouldn't listen to it now. It doesn't really make very exciting live stream for you guys to sign that we listen to K-pop metal in your headphones, but yeah, you just watch us being like this.
That's what that's what I want this movie No, there was something early on in the film where the music was like somebody was doing an actual like finger-tapping like Solo or like sweet picking or something and then a lot of it just became it's like he would touch an action to go and then like walk around and they'd be like You know, you're you're just like what you're she burned up. She's still burning It was it was very weird I was like, why do you care did you even know that how did you know demon man? Was he a part of that? I guess he was in the house eating his goop looking through the window like yes Yeah, I guess that they don't eat them Because if she's still burning they didn't get to Well, that's why he got to enjoy maybe that was part of the deal right because they gave the the chubbier cultist fellow as Because I think he said something to the effect of like if you want him to kill somebody That they're not allowed to I don't know if they said not allowed to eat, but we got to give him somebody Because they were never gonna give him Mandy. I understand right and so they had to give somebody else as a way to Pay for it. I suppose Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what it is Like that's there that's why they're in this symbiotic relationship where like the cult guy will like kill off one of his like Newer members and let the motorcyclists eat him. Yeah So I think it's that's a really fair It really is a fair trade. It seems like I think that there are some some things that just Procedurally the guy that runs his cult is doing all wrong So he finds this woman who's supposed to be his super hot forever Queen or whatever she laughs at his music and he decides to just kill her instead of just Brainwashing her if you're running a cult you can't just kill people the first time they say no you gotta get good I want to see Jesse as HR for this cult Being like hey, we're really running through members pretty quickly And I think it's because they're not seeing returns on their investment here. Okay, this is a small people We're not we're not holding promises This is a this is a very rural area if you see a smoking hot babe on the side of the road You got to try your best to convert her. You can't just kill her running out of babes I have kind of like an eyeball phobia That I can't explain I guess that's why it's called a phobia when you don't know why you're scared of something But I did not know you could like put LSD in somebody's eyeballs and now I have a new fear I mean you could put anything you want an eyeball if you want to I don't like that at all I did not like I did not like knowing that I guess it makes sense cuz it like makes sense that for me It's the barrier the membrane just like putting it under your tongue or something, but I was like no no no no So I've been thinking about that Tobacco for a second you called her a smoking hot babe, which is interesting, but also I feel like it was pretty apparent that she Would not be into his style of music Given her heavy metal t-shirt and her insanely long hair Like insanely long black hair and that she's reading at all times these like books with like wizards and shit on the front It's very funny that he's like do you like my jam and she's like regardless of whether she was tripping I assume her answer would be like well.
No this is That's a horrible me. Yeah, it's just like and he's like people didn't understand my music because it was so good Right, and then just plays does just the worst garbage.
Yeah People the way it's meant to be listened to is with my balls two feet away from your face That man was naked the whole film. I think he was cold. Do you think he was okay? Good for like such a huge part of a project you have to understand that that's like Sorry, that's like days and days and days of filming So this man was like fully nude for quite a long time Maybe maybe I think about that a lot. Maybe he was wearing green-screen pants and They just digitally inserted Weiner I Okay, I don't think they did that on this movie.
I Definitely think that I know they did that Nick didn't they do that in a Kevin Bacon movie or something? I swear that there are movies now where they will like put a sock Oh CG a wiener Yeah Which is it's an entire genre of film CG a wiener films there You know my favorite. I like to see the real thing, but it's a pretty good substitute in a pinch But yes, yeah, I do think it's interesting Like you you've been watching The Righteous Gemstones right Ally. Yeah, I think it's funny Every time HBO, it'll pop up.
It'll be like parental guidance and nudity. I'm like, oh my god I'm gonna have to see another penis because it's it's exclusively Well, only ladies is in the middle. Yeah middle-aged nude men full frontal and you're like All right. Well, but it's like something that that show has managed to do is like It Show how Absurd it is to just be naked like that's sort of the point a lot of the time is like isn't it insane? This dude is naked like this was like male nudity and stuff on I don't know Game of Thrones But it was never cuz it was I don't know Righteous Gemstones like loves to show you a wiener But it likes it likes to be like isn't that weird-looking we can all talk about it guys Everyone just talk about it. This is weird-looking.
Can we agree and you're like, thank you. Thank you for saying it.
Thank you for being so brave Yeah, it's uh, I I will say Mandy definitely also It's a pretty weird looking little wiener hanging there I don't think it's I don't think that either is meant to evoke like oh I'm I'm glad I rented this look at that. Look at that Big old look at that. Yeah old wiener. I think there was a lot of symbology in in the man's wiener in that he thinks he he is 100 the perfect man And just simply showing his flaccid wiener Without any sort of preparation of any kind he thought would be the ultimate gift to his new bride Yeah, are you gonna bring this up in the next HR meeting?
Look man, just you need to fluff it a little bit before you prepare at all. No preparation. I'm really disappointed to hear that I would expect more preparation from you going into an important meeting like that It is interesting because he definitely does give off the vibe that he's ready to go and then he's like But not I mean not yet If you want to help though I'm I'm fully willing to accept well my brothers and sisters watch.
Yeah, maybe that's why he's like I'm doing this for a thing. But also I can't with people Yeah, brother swan begin tugging Um Yes You're my favorite pet pet um Anyway, I oh actually that is something I was gonna bring up Just like in general is that like we have had a sort of influx of Demon cult movies I feel in the last let's say 10 years And that like often when somebody doesn't have an answer as to why this thing exists or behaves the way that it does they're like Oh, well It's a cult but not a regular not like a sex one like a demon one and it seems like It has sort of become uh an easy answer that people just sort of accept Uh, and i'm not even criticizing this movie and saying that like they did like something easy It did feel very thought out in terms of like I I definitely I think when this when this person was Conceiving of the movie. He wasn't like oh we're gonna have a weird alien and the answer for that is demon Cult do you know what I mean? Like the cult was obviously very integral to the whole plot But I did feel sort of When I saw it in the first place just because like I feel a little oversaturated with it as a trope. Yeah And I wonder what the next Thing will be well like so there's this uh, well, it would be true. It was interesting that they were Presumably pretty It's a pretty christian one like they were pretty They used a lot of crosses and he's like god's been telling me to do like If anything nick cage becomes the deep like satan Uh Taking I mean, he literally says he's like, what do you need that crossbow for? He's like, uh, i'm gonna go kill a bunch of jesus freaks.
He's like, I didn't know They were in season you're like nice um But you know at the end, I mean he's literally like, uh You know You're the devil something like that. I got god on my side basically and then he's like, oh suck your dick, man Which I thought was pretty funny That was very but then nick cage's voice is like I am Like I don't remember anything. I should have written it down so that i'm not just Growling without the benefit. Yeah, when did he say I am the vengeance? That's weird. I don't think that happened I don't have the benefit of a growl coach scream coach, but um, yeah I gotta get one of his voice changes.
He's literally inside of a church. He pops his head and burns the church down.
It's very much Just sort of an inversion of like it feels like the point of the movie is like hey Christians are bad, you know who's cool the metalheads We rock we're I mean, they're not really like I I understand what you're saying, but they're definitely not like, um Good christian neighbors. No, no, no, I wouldn't say that they are but i'm just saying that it is It is as opposed to Like a pure sex cult or like well we have now I would say like in the real world is all these multi-level marketing Cults like, um, yeah next ivy or whatever that one is and nick nixie. Yeah peloton Peloton, yeah, we need nick cage to go in there and pop some heads. Um, but I just mean it was very much christian imagery and thinking of it set I mean they even have a it's set in 1983 they have a Regan quote on the radio talking about good christian moral values. I do think it's kind of like hey we think of christians as Good neighbors, but I think they're more like the cult and we think of metalheads as bad people, but You know, they're good. They they fight the goop eaters and you're like, well, there's all little But sure there's a quote that I heard This is going to be embarrassing if it's literally from this movie, but there's a quote that I heard recently that was like, um Uh hippies are bad people pretending to be good and punks are good people pretending to be bad And that seems like exactly what you're saying where it's like these are like these hippies. They got the long hair They got the christian stuff going on Uh, and they're doing all the worst stuff and then here comes like hardcore metal man with his cool personalized axe doing the lord's work Yeah, uh, they did say I saw in all these reviews and I did not at all get this in the movie But apparently they have some bad past that they're like escaping or something. Uh nick cage and And mandy I mean that makes sense because they like They seem to live like extremely off the grid And even her like even their hobbies and everything are very much like getting back in contact with nature. She actually tells a story About her childhood that's like really messed up where like there were like starlings in her neighborhood in the bush and her father Puts them into a pillowcase and like kills them in front of all the neighborhood children. Just kind of cuz yeah, because he didn't like the sound or whatever and so like it did feel like a bit of a Man versus nature trying to reclaim a simple life type Uh deal where it's like they're off the grid because they want to go back to simplicity in some way or another yeah, what I read was that yeah, she has these straight up like A history of abuse and then he's got this nebulous thing where he was like probably In the army and it's probably got some ptsd from there also probably a recovering alcoholic And that's what makes that scene where he just slurps down a whole bottle of vodka.
Uh, extra poignant so I do love when a movie I always think about this in movies where I feel like we try and do it more and more which is like All right, so I wrote this chainsaw duel Um, I gotta think a little bit ahead about how I could make it at all plausible He's uh, uh tree. He does trees. He does his tree. He's a tree boy It's funny because they set that up But before that he makes a battle axe out of metal Which is entirely unexplained other than I guess he reads a lot of metal books Also, it's going to be too heavy for one thing.
That thing is not going to work Wow, this guy's watched a lot of metalworking shows Um, I just thought chat get my back. You you for sure watched forged in fire I just feel like basically every movie is like, uh, what is it the history of violence or whatever? It's like oh actually he was in the he was in the mob or like oh, he's like a retired soldier guy It's like all every like liam neeson movie is like are used to work in the wars That now i'm a good american This is my american accent it would be fun to have one where The backstory is absolutely nothing to do with it But they're still really good at it and they just explain it as being like no, no, no, no You don't understand. I was an elementary school teacher and you're like that doesn't explain what you just said It's like trust me if you knew it would that's why I can make an axe. So I I do think okay So this is a great idea We should follow this through and then write a film for next week, which is so like have you heard of this movie called jim kata? Um, it's a movie.
Is that one word or two? Is it a name jim?
No, it's a fight It's a fight style, uh, like kata like gun kata or whatever from uh from the equilibrium, but it's about a gym a gymnast Uh fight style. So they're good at gym jamming and uh They they use it to fight people.
So what you should do is yeah, it should be an elementary school I guess that's what die hard is right? I mean you basically create a scenario where it's like All right. They're attacking my elementary school, which is now suddenly very relevant and sad so maybe that's not fun, but um, and then you're like uh You put a bunch of crafts on the floor and they slip and then you'd stab them in the head with a number two pencil Like the joker like you just gotta you gotta pick a totally arbitrary profession and then find a way to make it badass But still faithful to the profession like lumberjack You wouldn't inherently think anything and then obviously they were like but he chainsaw duels, but you're like, oh All right, cool. See guys right now. It sounds too much like um Come alone. Just like little crafts around my house, which is yeah, just die hard. Uh, but I do feel like I do feel like we could pick A really seemingly boring profession and like just find a way to make it Just blow it out.
All right. You guys are the uh, the improv masters quick profession. I need a profession I've I've got one. Okay. Yeah.
Yeah A carpenter becomes uh, the son of god already. I knew you were going to end with that I could feel it I was like carpenter Like what's he gonna say? That's jesus Um I mean it would be kind of fun to do like um like a hair salon Because we got like knives. We got hot water We got the dyes I feel like I feel like hair salons are fun and unexpected little expect like plays for that That's a great idea is we could actually we could reverse engineer a final destination movie because every single one of those is Yeah people being killed in different Uh places of work people die at the dentist people die at the wherever the nascar event And so you just take that and there you use it for good now So now it's uh, the dentist is like stabbing little scalpels in your eyes and and shit I think we did it.
I think we're about to make a million dollars. I hope there are a lot of uh, I think we're about to make a million dollars. I hope everyone enjoys seeing us before we get one million dollars Um split three ways still pretty good.
Um We'll give brian some too They're in the they're in the comments Although I haven't thanks brian. There we go. Last thing brian said was now that's a lot of old wieners.
So I mean, that's good. You need at least a quarter cut um Anyway, so we'll we'll circle back to this next week. Um Um, uh, all I had left was I think I mentioned this off the top But I think it's a lot less fun than it feels like we're describing it as and I think what's interesting about this movie Is that the remembering of it is probably a lot more fun than the watching of it in a lot of ways because that first hour is so Slow it is very pretty and very interesting but good grief and then The violence is very stomach churning. So it's a little bit more. I don't want to really watch a guy get jiggled on a On a chainsaw while his blood sprays everywhere. Oh, yeah. I mean that was he did get a jiggle that was actually a little bit less graphic than some of the other things but um Anyway, how about that dude?
How about the the the coke gimp with the knife cock? Right coke gimp knife cock that's the title of the movie and i'm taking it. Okay. I'll write it down coke gimp knife cock I so like it's funny what?
I I will definitely I watch a lot of weird movies. I guess I feel like maybe I watch weirder movies than the average person So I have seen a lot of like bizarre Violence and things and like there are certain things that still make me feel gross for example eyeballs So like when we were crushing the guy's head to me, I wasn't like ew blood. I was like, oh eyeballs I don't like it. Do you know the eyeballs were so visceral in that? Yeah That that that was like I had to tap out of that one And it's weird because like certain things like when he was getting jiggled on the um chainsaw I was like gross, but I wasn't at any point like yeah revolted or whatever That one didn't get me If you're the little things that like your brain will suddenly go not this one The other one was fine But this one you can't this one you will not be doing.
Do you know what i'm saying? I think I think for me it's uh, it's like Achilles like getting impaled in the achilles getting sliced in the achilles like that is like foot stuff I don't know. I don't I don't like it Did I ever tell you I partially tore my achilles one time and it was only because I'd injured my ankle a few months before Instead of going to physical therapy. I spent the next several months just limping So my achilles like just like sort of stopped being uh, like bendable in any way So the first time i'm like walking through my kitchen with a full stride it just like tore it.
It's this really jarring awful disgusting feeling Wow There's a movie. Yeah. Well, maybe not and then how did you use your one leg to defeat the terrorists? I uh put on some night. I took I took my knife dildo and I I put it on my toe and knife dildo toes There's also like did you have you guys ever seen black swan? Yeah Do you remember the part where she like pulls her cuticle? Cannot oh, yeah cannot watch that In in the movie everything everywhere all at once not to spoil anything big because it's so good It shouldn't be spoiled. There is a moment where someone must give themselves a paper cut. Cannot watch it Oh, yeah, dude.
There's that one. Jack. There's that one jackass Even talking about it.
I got like the willies that is uncomfortable Oh, um, yeah, everybody else afraid of speaking of all the horrible things alie You're lucky because uh next week brian is going to be our our guest host because you Are doing something else? Yeah, and um, they have suggested that we watch titane Okay, uh, which i've intentionally not wanted to see because it looks disgusting and terrifying. However, apparently we're doing it. So I want to oh i'm jealous. I want to hear what jordan hates about the movie, which will be everything not necessarily I like violent weird movies.
I just it sounded doesn't she like have sex with a car? Yeah, I don't I don't do sex stuff with cars Ruined the upholstery. Yeah It's just like oh don't get jizz on that.
Yeah, i'll be really mad at you young woman. Oh, no You're gonna have to take that in Oh my god, you're gonna have to get it professionally clean. It's just it's my nightmare.
It's like eyeballs um Cool, you guys got any other thoughts observations Yeah, I I had two quick things So first of all, there's a lot of Manson parallels that are kind of obvious, but there's also some parallels perhaps too Another cult that's currently being covered on a very popular true crime podcast It's called the children of thunder his name of this real cult The cult in the movie is what is called the children of the dawn? um What struck me as similar is so this guy in the movie says that like oh, yeah God told me pretty much I can have whatever I want, you know, this the world is my buffet So the children of thunder the guy that ran that cult his whole thing was that like because god is everywhere And omnipotent even inside of our brains if you have a thought that's technically god Like giving his okay So if you think about something you're allowed to take it that just seemed like a very similar like Very specific set of mental gymnastics. That's interesting and um Something I believe strongly For sure, man. I have any thought it is correct and I will do it I'll have a single second thought about it. I will go do it immediately If I wasn't supposed to do it, uh god would strike me dead.
Yeah. Um, the other thing is that uh Nick cage, this was more Nick cage being in a weird movie and I wish there was more of nick cage being weird in a movie There was some of that there was there was like some of the fight scenes were like that the bathroom freakout was like that um, but More it was more about performance with the long creepy smile was like per perfect perfection. That was really Delightful. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah, but I was hoping for more of like a like a what was it moonstruck? Style where it's otherwise just like a normal rom-com and then there's nick cage with no teeth and one hand lurching around in the background like I'm lovable Come into my bed.
I'm a wolf and you're like Oh Um, I I don't have thoughts I don't have any thoughts and that's just a true thing But I did find two fun facts that I enjoyed one of which was that the actor who plays the chemist His name is richard break Um in an early draft of the script that he read like when he was auditioning Uh in that scene where the you know nick cage goes and visits him while he's making the lsd Lizzie was a lizard hence the name and then he arrived on set and there was a tiger in a cage and The director went. Oh, yeah, by the way lizzie's a tiger now And that's how he learns and it changes being tiger That's that's quite a script change because that's a that's a big budget Uh adjustment presumably having a live well, was it live? I don't know I assume so but to be like this this budget is small. We have a lizard Ah, we got an extra 100,000 we're it's a freaking tiger now, baby I mean, it was way cooler when he opened the cage and a tiger ran out than if a little lizard had Scuttered away with its eyes balls looking two different directions Big lizard and you don't how komodo dragons are incredibly dangerous.
If you get bitten by one of those it's like instant sepsis Oh, okay, you sound like that little kid on instagram was obsessed with komodo dragons. You know what we're talking about somebody No, but I can certainly picture it. There's a kid who's like, I love komodo dragons. They're so cool I wouldn't even care if one killed me like he's just like Wow, I think that's great. I think I'm gonna find this kid and then i'm gonna yeah I think he like has has his life goals Very upset. Yeah.
Yeah, the other thing that I thought was cool Just in general is that this movie was produced First of all, it was only six million dollars to make which is nothing for a movie Uh, and it was six. Okay, it's like Okay No, 60s 60 is still like less than like a marvel movie, but it's still not like a ton of yeah, but for like Three minutes of action that we slowed down with uh by shooting a 240 frame. It was a six million dollar movie which Or something that had as many parts as many moving pieces as this and isn't just like a Indie drama where we take a car ride like it's six million dollars. They really stretched every dollar Uh, and it was produced by a company that's called specter vision and this was its biggest hit in a very long time This is the production company that was founded by elijah wood because they elijah wood and cage met while acting opposite of each other And they like apparently just like had a really great time And elijah was like you're great. We gotta do something for you And so when he got this script, he was like, this is the one i'm gonna put i'm gonna put like four million of my own dollars Behind this movie because I want to see it. I think it's great And I think nakage has to be in it and it's just like that is why this movie exists. That's awesome I love I was trying to work super rich more rich than they ever needed to be ever like i'm Going to make a weird movie and you can't stop me.
I'm elijah wood I saw that he Produced it. I thought maybe it was a different elijah wood or He no, so well, I guess he did just throw some money at it But this is part of that phenomenon. Did I mention this on the podcast this phenomenon of early 2000s magical white boys, uh Deciding to throw all that away and now they only make weird crap robert patinson being uh, the twilight boy Daniel radcliffe has done a lot of that like that that akimbo movie or guns akimbo where it's like hands or guns and swiss army man, which is Delightful if you haven't seen it and is by the daniels who did everything ever there everywhere all at once which you must see I I will if I if it ever comes to this market which apparently it is being widely released like this week Oh and so it should appear around you would think I mean we got a freaking alamo draft house You're supposed to get cool stuff. I think you'll get it at the alamo draft house at mine They had like special things they put before the movie showed up See it literally wasn't there yesterday. It'll be here on friday Okay, i'm gonna watch it Okay But yes, and elijah wood like does only basically only weird movies now. There was one that they did recently that was called Uh, he didn't produce it but he was in it and maybe he put money behind it I don't know.
I don't feel at home in this world anymore.
Did you see that one? That was on netflix a while back and I loved it. That's it was that's with um And I I should know the actress's name by now, but melanie lindsey. Yeah, she's in everything But like she's always great stuff. Um, he was also in a movie that I didn't love But basically he elijah wood is this like sad emo? Man, he's like a dj and he goes to meet his like hard ass dad for the first time and then of course it turns out Things happen people die because like all these movies. It's not as trippy as this but it is Interesting. Oh, so what is it called? I mean I could look it up, but that's never uh, But I do I do love when people are just like yeah, no one else is gonna make this weird movie I have millions of dollars.
I'll do that. I will make that happen. Yeah for the world. I always do that Um come to daddy is what it's called Crazy title. Great.
It's got him with like a little Like serving meat fork and he's covered in blood and he's got a weird haircut It's okay. I mean It's fine. It's but it's one of those things you're right where it's like I am no longer Frodo. I'm gonna do whatever I Yeah, I mean and even before that he was like a child actor and he was in like free williams I feel like you I feel like as an adult you either become absolutely untethered from reality or you Find a way to be normal and I think his way of being normal is being like I am not going to be A little imp anymore i'm going to Spend my money on making art that I like i'm excited about. Yeah, I don't know. I would love to be both an imp and a rich Boy who does whatever he wants, but I still like I still want to be a little amp little scamp um Any other thoughts or should we move to uh fan?
If we can call them the people watching that this uh questions Are we ready? Yeah, let's do some fan mail. Alright, so I actually thought this one was really interesting This one came from our newsletter, which you can sign up for if you go to crack.com slash newsletters, I think I don't know.
I don't remember exactly but he says something like that Do you feel that mandy is a modern or contemporary version of a swords and sandals cone in type movie? And if you guys don't know exactly what that is um, it's exactly uh analogous to spaghetti westerns, which is to say Uh, you know they but it was for biblical epics. It was like the ten commandments Uh, no, uh, like all these big movies from like the 50s and 40s like big big big biblically themed movies But just with like very jacked italian men and they're just like running around and you know Poorly dubbed english kind of stuff Um, which is essentially what? Conan Kind of is and was but with schwarzenegger um, I have a thought on it, but do you Either of you have a thought on that? Knowing maybe nothing about the genre. I just read up on it. The only thing that feels uh Unique slash different about this as opposed to just like a traditional like i'm gonna get my family back revenge feature Is that it is just so bizarre and that even from the beginning of the movie You kind of are questioning any semblance of reality and that like in movies like that which do follow the same like beat structure Um, you are supposed to believe that this man, you know Like broke free of his shackles and picked up this big old sword and he's really good at it And he's on his way to kill the king and you know, you're like, okay cool but like this movie is like Or not. I don't know. Did you see that chainsaw? It was really big not like real things Just like just like kind of crazy. I so hmm. And so like this If it does follow the same narrative structure, sure But it definitely has that added layer of just like is any of this happening?
Did he die? Yeah, are we on earth?
Yeah I felt like I don't it didn't feel particularly influenced by that stuff just because of kind of what you're saying It's like if it was it intentionally turned every single thing to the point where it was no longer Even satirizing or building upon the thing or even like an anti version of it because it's like yeah It's not a jack dude. It's nick cage and even the plot is not I mean, it's Some christian-y themes and stuff, but it's it's much more grounded in that where it's like this is a cult and it's bad I don't know. So I I thought it was a really interesting idea. I don't necessarily know if that's What they were going for but I thought it was uh, it's a cool question regardless um Tiago who i'm gonna guess is one of our writers if i'm not mistaken Uh wants to know which nick cage character winning a nick cage battle royale and um It's got to be the face-off one, right?
Yeah, it could also be the guy from wicker man Or ghost rider ghost rider would probably or ghost rider. I mean he was a ghost rider. Hello His head was on fire and it did not stop him That's something that his girlfriend mandy could have really used that skill in this film What's the movie?
What's the one with the vampire? I'm a vampire. What movie is that one? Oh The empire's kiss I think I was gonna say vampire's kiss might be it That's the one that's that one.
Here's my vote. I don't know that i'm super versed. Maybe it's the one in uh in uh The left behind series the really terrible Like blasphemous christian, uh books about the rapture that they made into movies starring nick cage I don't know at all. Yeah. Well, I haven't seen them other than a few select clips. It was really you had to be part of the cool You know homeschool christian gang that uh, yeah, really got into these books about the rapture being a a real thing Um, somebody wants to know is nick cage reaching check norris status. I don't think so. I think he's he is Kind of his own thing. I feel like check norris has only been like I kick and then people were like That's funny that he still does it. Nick cage has so many different weird options Nick cage has definitely become like a meme sort of And I think he is sort of participating in it willingly with doing this self-ref self-referential movie the one That's like, uh, the the massive weight of unbearable Talent or something like that the unbearable weight of massive talent. I the title is long. Do you know what i'm talking about? Jordan?
Sorry say that one more time It's this movie he's doing where he plays himself. Oh, uh, the unbearable weight of or the unbearable weight of massive talent or the massive talent so like I think he knows that he's kind of like culturally a meme and that and that like sure you can either Enjoy it or not and he's like choosing to enjoy it And I feel like that's the closest thing to like like chuck norris getting on board with being like yeah Chuck norris will kick your ass. I'll do this ad where I tell you not to Eat eggs or something. I don't know But no chuck is very pro egg I'm sure he's pro egg Um, but like nick cage is still a really good actor and he still gets like really good reviews when he does stuff Which I think like is that uh The backbone of him being like i'm also allowed to make fun of myself because you also gave me really good reviews when I did Pig right, so we all know I can act So everybody shut up But also now we can all make fun of me because we all agree I can act But I think if he was a worse actor, it would be like Touchier, do you know what I mean?
It's actually so that's that's a worthwhile question Is there any sort of nick cage analogous honestly like Jared Leto is starting to slip into some of this where it's like He's Obviously talented, right? I mean he won an Oscar He can do a lot of things But man, he just is in a lot of crap and he tries he's trying so hard I don't know. I don't know if that's like nick cage necessarily because Jared Leto still is in relatively big movies more often than not but I don't know. Is there does does it feel like there's an analogous actor celebrity something that's like Self-aware and crazy and I guess Jared Leto is also not self-aware at all and maybe has his own cult. Yeah from his band. So Yeah Every day, I feel like I wake up when I hear a new piece of information about Jared Leto that makes me go.
Oh Okay Like I don't think I've had a reaction to him that hasn't been oh, okay in like years Which is not good. You're yeah, you're not never you're not always supposed to be Surprised and not in a good way.
I don't know Withhold comments until we find out more weird shit that he's up to yeah Uh, all right I'm gonna ask this question from Steve because I think it's pretty quick Would you rather be Shia LaBeouf or Elijah Wood feels like a hundred percent Elijah Wood? I don't know why Elijah would you want to be shy? Elijah Wood could Shia LaBeouf is also just like just sort of out there causing chaos and not doing things for the right way but also Frodo Baggins is my favorite fictional character basically of all time and hot take people really come at me for that one I saw honey boy and uh Shia's life seems sad. So Yeah, nobody wants to be sad well, no, I mean have you seen do you know what i'm talking about what honey boy is It's where Shia LaBeouf plays his it was very his own dad Yes in a story about his life.
It was sad. I didn't want that.
I want to be like Elijah Wood I don't know what his life was like, but it's you know, he's not playing any movies where he's his own dad that i'm aware of Hey come to daddy, maybe we maybe we don't know what that really was about. Yeah Well, we did I watched it Um, oh you're saying it could be his real dad, but he was playing the kid So it doesn't matter.
Um Fuck mary kill red From this movie Ronnie from moonstruck or ben from national treasure go Okay Hold on. This is I think I got a Mary national treasure. He's got you know, he's proven his worth He's got a solid job He's he's had three sequels or two sequels worth of doing his job correctly You know that guy can hold down a job and he can take care of you agree Uh, except for like the prior 40 years before the movie the dude has like been looking for this stupid treasure his whole Isn't that the whole thing? He's like Useless everybody takes a little while to find themselves. He's still employed as a treasure hunter you like, you know They still call on him for expertise Okay, well keep going i'm gonna actually his uncle is is a world famous treasure hunter and so he gets to escape by on That a little bit. Yeah. Oh He inherited the job I see Yeah, I think you gotta fuck the guy from moonstruck right because he correct again proves to be the best fuck on the planet 100 you give him one rare steak and he Fucks you're raised out for like hours 100 agree it again Okay, I I feel like I would marry red because dude is gonna protect me.
Um Or if he's he's maybe not he might just be dead and thinking well, he'll avenge me You're right. Nobody's gonna kill me. Anyway, I should just have the money I'm an idiot.
Did they fuck it all and I forget if they fucked in this movie No, they did a lot of like longing meaningful staring into each other's eyes. Yeah. Yeah, and that could be hot It can be hot very jesse doesn't know as as like we said before he has been walking into a wall for the last 18 years So he hasn't seen anything Um, yeah, no i've heard sex is like a guardian hit man who was just glitching. Um, yes, uh I don't know how you would say this. Oh hn claunts on claunts Uh says that this movie reminds them of drive angry Which also has nick cage and is about cult based revenge just in case anybody was curious about that And there's a lot of words in here that i'm not going to be able to pronounce correctly.
Uh, but eon wagon near says Uh that the director of this movie thinks he can rip off argento and jodoroski Jodoroski and zoomers will praise him and he's right. Well, none of us are zoomers. So That is true. We're actually all old fucks. Yeah, uh, the millennials seem I have not seen a lot of the Jodoroski stuff i've seen the the old dune and that's kind of it which is probably not the thing I should have Watched well, it's also I understand what they're saying. Yeah, I don't But I agree maybe Um, but yeah, totally.
No, i'm gonna throw my whole weight behind that one Yeah, all the things you said are things that I would have said if you know Given the chance. All right, we're doing titles Um vote in the comments, I guess or yell things at each other if you uh, if you've got a favorite So i've got i'm just gonna start. Uh vicious snowflake Um, because I think that's what the yeah, he does say does the cult leader say that somebody says you are a vicious snowflake So I thought was pretty great. Um nick rage Um, that's pretty good.
Yeah, uh the one with the chainsaw duel So I feel like that's the only thing anybody remembers about this movie. This is a friends episode. Yeah, uh, they need the goop uh They do need the goop coke coke Uh, knifecock which we're not going to use for seo purposes and then um, brian is typing out jetter goblin featuring Keep typing brian nick cage great Uh, and then skit mcdoogle did lsd nightmare.
Nice. Uh, john evan says naked firdays And yeah, because we talked about that after being naked for days. Oh, yeah, he certainly was the goop Um the goop we got jesse and also sort of in a full circle moment There are people who accuse the uh, guenith paltrow goop lifestyle of being semi-cultish So we're back. Yeah, that's great.
She also full loop circle very skilled with the chainsaw if i'm not mistaken Yeah But they have to be 10 foot Anyway, so people can tell me what jodorowsky movie to watch who have only watched that documentary he made about his failed dune project So i've actually never really actually seen one of his movies. That's very embarrassing I'm embarrassed for you Oh guys, i'm gonna resign in disgrace usually on the person who's like you all haven't seen clio from five to seven You're not fans of the french new wave movement. And so here I am looking like a total plebe plebe All right, plebe. Give us some titles plebe I mean, uh, uh goop goop cult is pretty good and honestly The one that we had earlier which was like screw screw dick monkey fuck Could we do a goop oyster cult?
Um, because that also did they did they needle drop that in this movie or am I thinking a freaking moon night? Where they needle dropped every song in the world, but um You know, I don't think oh my gosh all this week I've been thinking that people have been saying on the radio and stuff that moonlight was coming to disney plus and I was like, okay That movie's very good But as many years old like why like I was listening to like I was in the dennis office and like on iheart radio They were like you got to catch moonlight on disney plus this weekend. I was like, okay And I truly did like maybe mere hours ago. It was like moon night that came out this week So it did sorry. Sorry, it wasn't sorry. It wasn't french wave enough for you Moonlight was a recent movie and it was really good. I loved moonlight Oh, I was saying anyway, wait, what is the freaking nick cage movie? I'm, sorry. Oh, yeah moon strike I thought you were talking about because that that applies a lot Oh, no moonlight which was the one that won best picture when they were like, it's not lala land I literally had this conversation with dave where he was I was like He he said something about this is the guy that films all my stuff while I was doing moonlight He said something about moon Light and I was like, oh, yeah We should just drop that in the middle because we're doing a weekly recap of it And just like I just do moonlight for like the third episode of moonlight I was like, I mean it was good But like I don't really understand what this has to do With any sort of ancient egyptian superheroes, but all right. Yeah, and then you can do moon struck And be like this is really this is next level. Good job disney.
I can't believe you made a show this wild Um, what do you got jesse what at the what? chainsaw duel in the forest exclamation point I think that'll do it. Yeah, uh, let me see. I got Get him to the goop Okay Knowing that the whistle that he blew to summon the bikers is actually an ocarina ocarina of crime Uh, but is there a crime? I mean sure I mean I I personally think of that as a crime i'm gonna be brave and i'm gonna say it I think of murderers I think I think if if if a guy gets chainsawed in the forest and nobody hears it. Did it happen?
And did a tiger escape at all Certainly the bikers like broke the speed limit Just to get there Do atvs have speed limits? They're not allowed on on uh, most roads. Yeah, but these are all logging roads.
It doesn't matter keep going. Yeah Okay, um don't drink of the goop. Don't drink of the goop Home alone all grown up Home alone.
Do you think he sets like little traps or that? Yeah, I felt like that. Uh, these traps were like forget any example blades to the face There's only like one little ambush where he like shoots the guy off the atv. Everything else He just walks up with a battle accent or there was some there was some element of I must protect This house must protect this dead woman. That would be fun though If in we rebooted home alone But instead of him setting fun little puzzle traps that are activated when you step on his marbles He just comes out with a giant chainsaw.
It's just like i'm gonna fuck you up 100 Let's do this like men here in front of each other. Let's go I mean, yeah, i'm a little boy anymore. I don't find a hide in the attic All right, uh ocarina of slime is a is a yes and we just got Um, very nice Okay, very nice slack. Uh, okay last couple i've got forged in ire And uh, I showed you my cult. Please respond There you go, let's leave it at the head just the puns it feels like you have to sit there forever just thinking of All right We're really not going to get a mandy and red into red mandy and red's infinite playlist infinite metal playlist Oh, it sounds like we just did I feel like we've we've left that behind. Um It could be that 80s show, uh, because red is red foreman is the dad and he's pretty mean and it was set in the 80s Oh my gosh I will say of the two names I think red Describes this movie a lot better than mandy He's like this movie should be named after me i'm the one who did all the fighting mandy just died immediately she didn't do anything Yeah, well the fighting and also just the the the red filter over 80 percent of the film. Yeah Uh, yeah, it was really cool The ending was fantastic the last like, you know two minutes like just like very long shot of him driving and Smiling at her but she's not there because the camera keeps cutting out of the window and you see that he's alone That was why yeah, that was so good Just like smiling in this nick cage insane way Um, yeah New new title came in from jose baron manson family values.
Love that. Wow. I actually like bored millennials That's that's saw like that's saw folks. That could be good. Um, okay, that's not folks. Now.
That's what I call saw That's what volume five five All right. Do you know what volume we're on now? I was recently Reminded and humbled that we're on like volume like 72 or something now, that's what I call music.
Did they make me feel a 69. Are you aware? Oh my god, we're at least on 82, but did they do a sick I feel like it's important Do you think they skipped 69?
There's no way. I think kids bop probably would skip 69 Yeah I don't know if people are aware of the kid perception of kids bop You used to be able to fool kids with the kid spot version of songs because they were like produced Kind of close enough that you just didn't really know and this summer I was teaching at a summer camp And I had to do a lot of music choosing because we had like dance classes and part, you know Listening to music while we did crafts and I would like sit on my bus ride to work putting together playlists of like Appropriate music and the minute like a kid's bop version would start playing somebody would be like this isn't levitating. This isn't levitating This isn't levitating. Where's julie was levitating and i'd be like, oh, I thought this was it and they'd be like Well, it isn't it doesn't sound like that like they know immediately. Yeah Maybe a job a lot harder kids those those zoomers so smart With dua I love dua me and dua.
Oh my god, ron 110 What? Ron now, that's what I call music 110 as of november 19th 2021. Where are you getting? How does the number keep jumping?
This is i'm just saying what smash mouth meant when he said the years start coming and they don't stop coming I feel like i'm trapped in that side. Well, the kid's bop version. That's what I call music The kid's bop version is the years start arriving and they don't stop arriving because it's Kids listen to it The gears are coming they're coming.
Okay, um, so we're gonna we're gonna finish on that um You can't say finished We're gonna complete on that um Because we've climaxed so jesse, where can we find you? You can find me uh, uh screaming and drinking vodka out of the bottle in the bathroom Or on twitter at iseman e i s e m a n n alie You can find me on twitter at miss alice nutting M-s a l i c e n u t t i n g or trying to put together appropriate kid friendly lists of songs So that kids don't yell at me and make my job hard Uh, and you can find me on the twitters at the underscore j underscore breeding also They said I should say nft. I assume that's Do you get pay extra money if you do or something? I'm hoping okay. I'll say I said it now send us money. That's it. Um, Uh, and so we're live streaming for now every monday at 1 p.m. Eastern Uh, so please subscribe to us here or on apple podcast or spotify We also do we release this as audio only and we are a newsletter crack movie club is a newsletter Where we do stuff you can sign up for that at crack.com slash movie club next week We're doing titane and we're getting brian in front of the camera. So get excited about well. Thanks brian I'm, sorry.
I'm directing little kids in their show. That's what I'm doing She's she's gonna do do the show lipa. We're also gonna be live streaming that simultaneously Yeah, we'll also i'll be watching the the show that i've been directing for third to fifth graders And you all better be nice because they have fragile egos and children That's a safe place to put things on the internet, right? Like people always say nice things about when children do art. Yeah Yeah, um, they will about my kids Titane and by enjoy I mean Watch yeah, bomb it.
All right. That's it Goodbye, everyone. We'll see you. See ya next week. Presumably. Yeah, let's leave it at the head Just the puns.
It feels like you have to sit there forever. Just thinking of all right We're really not going to get a mandy and red into red mandy and red's infinite playlist infinite metal playlist Oh, it sounds like we just did. I feel like we've we've left that behind. Um, It could be that 80s show, uh, because red is red foreman is the dad and he's pretty mean and it was set in the 80s Oh my gosh I will say of the two names I think red describes this movie a lot better than mandy What He's like this movie should be named after me i'm the one who did all the fighting mandy just died immediately she didn't do anything Yeah, well the fighting and also just the the the red filter over 80 percent of the film.
Yeah Yeah, it was really cool The ending was fantastic the last like, you know, two minutes like just like very long shot of him driving and Smiling at her but she's not there because the camera keeps cutting out of the window and you see that he's alone That was why yeah, and then he's like that was so good Just like smiling in this nick cage insane way Um, yeah New new title came in from jose baron manson family values. Love that. Wow.
I actually like bored millennials That's that's saw like that saw folks. That could be good Um, okay, that's not folks now.
That's what I call a saw Volume five five All right. Do you know what volume we're on now? I was recently Reminded and humbled that we're on like volume like 72 or something. Yeah, that's what I call music.
Did they do? A 69 i'm not caught. Are you aware? Oh my god, we're at least on 82, but did they do a sick I feel like it's important Do you think they skipped 69?
There's no way. I think kids bought probably would skip We've gone I don't know if people are aware of the kid perception of kids bop You used to be able to fool kids with the kids bop version of songs because they were like produced kind of close enough that you just Didn't really know and this summer I was teaching at a summer camp And I had to do a lot of music choosing because we had like dance classes and part You know listening to music while we did crafts and I would like sit on my bus ride to work putting together playlists of like Appropriate music and the minute like a kids bop version would start playing somebody would be like this isn't levitating. This isn't levitating This isn't levitating. Where's julie was levitating and i'd be like, oh, I thought this was it and they'd be like Well, it isn't it doesn't sound like that like they know immediately Maybe a job a lot harder kids those those zoomers so smart With dua I love dua me and dua.
Oh my god ron 110 What? Ron now that's what I call music 110 as of november 19th 2021. Where are you kidding? How does the number keep jumping? This is i'm just saying When he said the years start coming and they don't stop coming I feel like i'm Trapped in that site on the kids bop version. That's what I call music The kids bop version is the years start arriving and they don't stop arriving because it's Kids listen to it The gears are coming they're coming.
Also. They said I should say nft. I assume that's Do you get pay extra money if you do or something? I'm hoping okay. I'll say I said it now send us money. That's it.
Um, Uh, and so we're live streaming for now every monday at 1 p.m eastern Uh, so please subscribe to us here or on apple podcast or spotify We also do we release this as audio only and we are a newsletter crack movie club is a newsletter Where we do stuff you can sign up for that at crack.com slash movie club next week We're doing titane and we're getting brian in front of the camera. So get excited about wow.
Thanks brian I'm, sorry.
I'm directing little kids in their show. That's what i'm doing. She's gonna do do the show lipa We're also going to be live streaming that simultaneously Yeah, we'll also i'll be watching the the show that i've been directing for third to fifth graders and you all better be nice Because they have fragile egos and children That's a safe place to put things on the internet, right? Like people always say nice things about when children do art. Yeah Yeah, um, they will about my kids Titane and by enjoy I mean watch yeah All right, that's it Goodbye, everyone.
We'll see you. See ya next week presumably |
cracked | we_fixed_4_movie_dystopias_with_math_dredd_minority_report | The movie Dread takes place in the futuristic Mega City 1, a massive dystopian city-state replacing most of the U.S. East Coast, and it's sporting a population of like 800 million people. That would be, in a word and a pun, Dreadful. But what's worse is the city experiences 12 serious crimes a minute, which, if multiplied by the number of minutes in a crime-ridden day, equals a staggering 17,280 crimes a day. As such, the city appears as a constant parade of violence, so the movies can justify the existence of judges, which are like regular police, only they can kill citizens whenever they want and not get in trouble for it. Just like real police.
SINGER! COMMENTARY! Woohoo!
Now, 17,280 crimes sounds like a lot, but numbers like that mean jack-squat on their own. You need something to compare them to. It's like a 17-inch dong would be impressive on Danny DeVito, but it's embarrassing on King Kong. Mega City 1 is like King Kong here.
17,280 major crimes a day per 800 million people isn't great, but it's not really all that dystopian. Crime rates are calculated based on the total number of violent crimes per year, so 17,280 times 365 equals 6,307,200, which yes, is a shockingly high amount of crimes on its own, but we need to divide it by the 800 million people living there and then multiply that by 100,000. Do all that, and Mega City's crime rate equals about 788.4 crimes per 100,000 residents. For comparison, there are cities in the real United States right now with similar or higher crime rates. The FBI reported that in 2019 there were 44 cities across America with a crime rate higher than 788.4. Detroit was the worst with 1,965 incidents per 100,000 residents.
I know one's saying that Detroit is a picnic, but also nobody is saying that the crime rate is two and a half times worse than Dredd, and we should employ an army of futuristic murder cops to quell it. Well, I guess they do that in Robocop, but that's a different thing. Go fuck a refrigerator! Like, yeah, the crime there is pretty bad, but it's not like regular people don't work there, raise families, and enjoy their regular, non-dystopian lives. In fact, Mega City 1 has basically the crime rate of Columbia, South Carolina. And no one has proposed Wall-E-Mat City off from the rest of the country...yet. But Dredd's not the only sci-fi movie that struggles with crime math.
In Minority Report, they make a big deal out of having eliminated murder in the D.C. area. This is so successful and such a massive apparent improvement to citizens' way of life that the rest of the country is considering implementing the same crime-fighting system, which, to be clear, involves drugging tons of orphans until a few manage to not die but do manage to get so coked out that they have nightmares about future murders and then wake up screaming so the cops can arrest the would-be killers and throw them in jail before they've committed any actual crimes. Now, stopping murder is probably a good thing, but for example, in D.C. in 2020, there were 124 homicides compared to 17,681 crimes total, none of which could be stopped by drugged-up children because the only crime they report is murder. That means even the highest, most successfully balls-tripping kid would only effectively reduce crime by about 0.7 percent. Hell, even just violent crimes would drop by less than 5 percent while things like sex abuse, robbery, assault, and other horrific crimes would continue unhindered. There have to be better uses for drugging children.
Commentary? But wait, there's more!
In Escape from New York, the U.S. turns Manhattan into a prison island because crime in the U.S. has risen by 400 percent. And again, yeah, a 400 percent rise in crime is bad, but it's not really all that dystopian because a similar thing already happened. In real life New York, between 1960 and 1993, just a few years after the movie takes place, rape alone increased by 400 percent, while murder went up 500 percent and robbery went up 1,400 percent. No one is arguing that New York in the late 80s was a great place, but do we really think that they were this close to turning the entire city into a prison and just allowing cops to wander the streets executing people?
Of course not. They only did the cop part. Call it to them. But we're not done yet.
Keanu Reeves, a Scanner darkly claims that America lost the war on drugs because 20 percent of the population is addicted to a drug called Substance D. Sounds like a lot, right? Well, in 2017, 38 percent of Americans battled an illicit drug disorder.
Not everything going on right now is great, but it's not like the whole country needs to sign off on an invasive, high-tech surveillance system and a network of undercover officers and informants. They'll just do that anyway. Commentary, commentary. So the point is that even the most crime-infested dystopian worlds would actually be mostly fine to live in if it weren't for all the people trying to stop the crime. So the next time some movie, or some politician, tries to justify the creation of an army of violent robo-cops by quoting a bunch of crazy-sounding crime stats, maybe show them this video. It's the only thing between America descending into dystopia and, well, our current dystopian reality, I guess.
Did you learn something? You feel smart? I feel smart, dude. That's great. You're not. I'm smart. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | betoota_weekly_news_bulletin_episode_01 | G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock, and this is the Weekly News Rap. The Weekly News Rap, as you can probably gather, will be coming to you weekly. In case you've been flat out and unable to be across what's happening in Betuda, Australia and the world, here are this week's top stories. In the first Barnabulous News Week for some time, it was Peter Dutton's turn to grab a headline or two.
The Home Affairs Minister vowed to stop refugees from taking jobs sweeping up cow guts in rural Queensland. The ex-cop demonstrated his commitment to the new policy, ordering Border Force to kick down the door of a Sri Lankan asylum seeker family before sunrise, simply because their visa had expired by 24 hours. Dutton said to the advocate, A coalition voter now has the opportunity to find work sweeping up cow entrails in a town 200 kilometres west of Rockhampton. That's why we do this. Still in Queensland, Indian coal magnate Gautam Adani has confirmed to the Betuda advocate that he's been forced to look at getting a nimble loan in order to finance the controversial proposed Adani coal mine in the Galilee basin. Adani is furious with the fact that he's been left with no other option than to explore bottom-rung lending apps in an attempt to secure funding for his coal mine in central Queensland. This comes after the controversial Carmichael coal mine was knocked back by numerous left-wing banks like Australia's Big Four, China's biggest bank the ICBC, and 10 other international banks including BNP Paribas and Deutsche Bank. Angus McKinnon, a reader from down in Brisbane, commented on the story, informing us that he'd actually just seen Adani heading to a cash converter, with a PS4 and some power tools.
As society's lowest common denominator continues to slip, Channel 9's investigative journalism program A Current Affair is now stepping outside of its usual format of dodgy landlords and bickering neighbours. It's been confirmed that ACA is now just creating segments out of bogan drama they've heard at the pub. Tracy said, it's amazing, forget the shifty tradesman, we just learnt that Kel's missus spent the baby bonus on a new TV. In hard-hitting local news, Ice Cream and Milo got the nod last night as a suburban mum acknowledged that her dinner was a little too experimental. Mum's most recent crack at trying her hand at a completely new style of cuisine resulted in a glorious face-saving climax as she revealed that Milo and some plain vanilla ice cream were the go last night. Many of our readers wrote in with their Milo and Ice Cream stories, including Zali Nitschke from Sydney, who told us about her mum's interesting muscle soup.
Elsewhere, an elite private school has been unable to guarantee a pedo-free education for its pupils, despite slogging parents for 30,000 clams a year. The private school says that aside from the 20 or so paedophiles that have been caught lurking their halls over the last couple of decades, you really can't get an education like theirs anywhere else. The prestigious college refused to comment on their pedo-to-non-pedo teacher ratio, but says their new bagpipe program really should be the thing we're all talking about. Greg Hutcheson, one of our readers from the French Quarter, pointed out that at least they can guarantee the perpetrators won't be working or lower middle class.
To music news now, and Spotify has curated a brand new playlist that features all the songs most played by drunk white chicks. The music streaming platform has called this new playlist White Girls on Rose, and is expecting to see huge numbers flowing in. Donald Treble, the head of data and analytics at Spotify, said that he noticed a sharp spike in the number of Biggie Smalls and Gwen Stefani streams on Saturdays, and discovered that there is a huge demand for that kind of music.
Uni's back, and a student at the Battuta Polytechnic College died internally yesterday, as he began to tell his classmates a little bit about himself during the beginning of semester icebreakers. We've obtained footage of John, a 21-year-old media student, giving the class some information about himself. He says in the video, Yeah, this is my second go at uni. I came here right out of school and just got way too into bongs and I fucked everything up. Lost good friends, lost my girlfriend, she left me for some double polo shirt wearing rugby union fuckboy. But yeah, from Brisbane originally. Play some golf in my spare time.
Overseas now, and the world's oldest human being has spoken to our reporters about the secret to living longer. Nabi Tajima, the 117-year-old Japanese woman, says she owes it all to standing desks. In the mid-1930s, the PR agency she was working for allowed her to have a standing desk installed in her office. She said the bosses were really good about it, considering the fragile economy that existed in Imperial Japan at that time. Tajima explained that it was a workplace quirk that she kept up for many years, right through the world war until she retired to focus on her travel blog in the early 2000s.
Staying overseas, and Peter Dutton has announced that he will consider fast-tracking visas for ready-made liberal voters from South Africa. Dutton told the Advocate that white South Africans deserve special attention from Australia due to the horrific circumstances of land seizures and violence, as well as their beautiful white skin. South Africa's new president, Cyril Ramaphosa, is pursuing a policy of appropriating farmlands without compensation for redistribution to black South Africans. The policy has led to reports, including in the Australian media, that white farmers are being murdered at a rate of more than one per week, similar to what was happening to the loved ones of that innocent Sri Lankan family we spoke about earlier who were being dragged out of bed in Biliwila last week, back when they were last in the country that they are currently in the process of being deported to again.
To our final Dutton-related story of the week, an Australian Creek Advice Captain David Warner has phoned Peter Dutton to ask whether he could ban certain South African people from getting visas. Warner, who completely dropped his bucket last week after copping some verbal heat from Safa wicketkeeper Quintin de Coq, phoned the minister to request that certain players be prevented from entering the country in the future. Warner was heard saying, Ah, come on Pete, fuck him. After having his request denied, Warner was then heard saying he would call Barnaby, see if he could stop one more dog getting into this country.
Finally, in sport, the Caucasian club captain of the Dolphins is reportedly comfortable enough around his Polynesian teammates to start saying oos. Toby Johnson, the club stalwart, took a giant leap of faith after the trial game against the Bulja Bulldogs on the weekend, telling one of his teammates they had played a mean game, oos. Johnson said it felt a bit weird, but now that he's got the first one out of the way, he's excited to start trotting out words like manna, toko, shot, sole and skuks. So that's the week that was Number 2 to advocate. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_colin_jost_and_michael_che_swap_jokes_for_season_49_finale_snl | Well, tonight is our season finale and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read. yeah, we're making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before. that's right, and let's not applaud yet. The idea: The idea is of course to give each other fun jokes, almost supportive jokes that would never ruin our summer or our career. Yeah, but before we start, last time we did is I hired an actress to pretend to be a Civil Rights hero and that was low. So to make it up to you, this time I invited an actual practicing Rabbi. please welcome Rabbi Jill. go ahead Kyle, why don't you tell the first joke. Yes, I'm just as excited as all of you. pro-palestinian protesters walked out of Jerry Seinfeld's commencement address at Duke University. and I think that's disgraceful. during these difficult times, it's important to support our Jewish friends. that's why the only chant you'll hear from me is Free Weinstein. Keep fighting Harvey, am I right, Bubba Love? that's how she did That good. I wouldn't have said that.
Pope Francis said this week that sexual pleasure is a gift from God. Unfortunately, it was in response to the question, should the church still have Altar Boys?
Speaking of kids, new data shows that middle school students have only made up a third of the math skills they lost during the pandemic. their math was so bad they didn't get it when I texted them. you plus me equals 69. Wow. Okay. hey, you put it in text. Chatgpt has released a new voice assistant feature inspired by Scarlett Johansson's Ai character in her, which I've never bothered to watch because without that body, what's the point of listening? he got a little more there. So Rabbi Jill, if you're here, who's controlling the weather? I don't even get that joke.
Multiple women have posted videos on Tiktok claiming that while walking the streets of New York they were randomly punched by men. Well then, damn, get the hell out of my way, bitch. And speaking of bitches, I want to call out the biggest bitch of all, Kendrick Lamar. or should I say littlest? Oh, your war with Drake may be over, but your war with Michael Che is just beginning. So to quote Hamilton, shoot your shot player. that was pretty well done, man.
Okay, oh, I don't like that one. Well, this next joke might be a little too offensive for me to say. So Rabbi Jill, will you be a Mensch and help me out? How? would you hand me that puppet? Oh My. God. it was reported that Comcast, the owners of Nbc told Msnbc to curb their criticism of Israel. and if they don't, we'll hit them with our space lasers. Oh no. Rabbi. Rabbi, for weekend update, for weekend update, I'm calling Jill. I'm glad to tell you I'm gonna break up. |
TheOnion | American_Dream_Declared_Dead_As_Final_Believer_Gives_Up | This is the Onion News Network, now with more attack satellites than any other network. Welcome to the fact zone.
I'm Brooke Alvarez. Right now, we're continuing the Onion News Network's coverage of the death of the American dream. The end came at 12.14 p.m. this afternoon when the last person in the nation to believe that America is a land of boundless opportunity, that is Edward Tuffy, a bar owner in Pennington, Illinois, quietly let go of the dream while watching television and eating cereal on his couch. Onion News Network reporter Andrea Bennett joins us now live from Pennington, where she's standing by with Mr. Tuffy himself. Andrea. Thanks, Brooke.
Mr. Tuffy, can you briefly take us through what happened? Well, I run this bar, Tuffy's Tavern, been there 15 years.
And I had this plan that I was going to start a couple of locations, like maybe a small chain, you know, add a grill, some palm trees on the wall, make it like a real cuisine atmosphere. So expand your business and build a better life for you and for your children. Yeah, like that. So I woke up this morning and I decided I'd try to get myself together and drive over to Middlesberry and check out a couple of other spots in case I ever got the money to open up another bar.
And then I was flipping through the channels of the TV while I was eating my breakfast and I started watching that movie Eraser. With Arnold Schwarzenegger, Vanessa Williams. Yeah, yeah, and I forgot how good it was. And I started watching that and then I started watching this show with these doctors and they were talking about these sex problems.
And then I realized that it was noon and I hadn't even put my pants on and there was not a chance in hell that I was ever going to start a chain of bars. So that's when the American Dream died. Yep, and then these reporters started calling me and before I even got out of the shower there was all these TV crews here. So did you feel anything when the American Dream died?
Nah, not really. Kind of hungry I guess.
All right, Mr. Tuffy, what's next for you? Well, I got to get back to the bar.
Tommy doesn't know how to use a register.
All right, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us. Now, let's talk to a few other Pennington residents about their reaction to the American Dream dying. Sir, what did you think when you heard the news?
Well, as long as we keep the bald eagle as our national symbol, I'll be happy. Bald eagle's pretty sweet.
Okay, thank you for that. And what about you, sir? What are your thoughts? Well, you know what? As long as we can still drink without our shirts on, I didn't really care about Tuffy's American Dream. All right. And ma'am, what about you?
Were you shocked to hear that the American Dream had died? How did you feel about this? Well, no, but truth is we're still really proud of Tuffy being a role model for all those lackluster Americans that have given up their dreams. I was going to make him a plaque, but then I was like, eh, why bother?
Since time immemorial, fire has lived side by side with man. We invite it into our homes. We share our most intimate moments with it. What can fire be trusted? Tomorrow night on the exclusive Onion News Network special report, Andrea Bennett investigates fire man's ultimate frenemy. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_an_emacs_enthusiast_in_2023_colorized | I'd like to present to you my newly made absolute guide to emacs video. It's around one and a half Years long I can send it to you via FTP. So Emacs, huh?
Sure. Let me just put on the fireplace.
Uh So yeah, emacs if you make a change to your text and decide that it was a mistake emacs got you covered. Yeah, all text editors do that. Oh. My friend let me tell you but emacs is not a text editor!
Emacs is not that hard. You can't learn emacs in one day every day. Oh, how do I write my blog posts? emacs. How do I do my project management? emacs. DNA sequencing? emacs. pro monks? emacs. taxes? emacs. amax? emacs.?
Really the RS has an emacs package. No, I have to mail the text form But how do I do my mails? emacs. normal way to do it in emacs? There's no normal way to do it in emacs emacs is fully customizable emacs is a fully hackable system But you know why emacs is different from other editors, right? Well emacs runs in an interpreter with Jupiter. You're modifying the state of the program with emacs You're modifying the state of the art, the state of the editor. emacs will never die. saying emacs will die is like saying Turing complete will die.
Two words org mode. I used to spend hours trying to get the image on the right page Now I use org mode late time and just accept that it's impossible. I have been using emacs for 35 years and I've recently been diagnosed with parentheses paralysis. I've also been diagnosed with severe hostility towards vim users, but that's not a real disease. Of course, the real disease is vim. Is emacs more powerful than vim? emacs is more powerful than any OS.
I don't have an ego killed that buffer a long time ago. emacs reduces anxiety. emacs cured my autism. I spend more time customizing my computer than actually using it. It keeps crashing emacs is like an instrument you play it in different major minor doria modes.
Let me show you my major modes. Just what I like to do in my free time, you know, I don't use evil mode I use crazy mode. I can even use maps and emacs porcelain is the perfect we forget I check my weather and emacs yesterday. My nephew brought me in Nintendo I said, how can I control this with emacs my humor runs in emacs I have a very strong pinky finger I even trained my AI in emacs. emacs makes you better terminal at the same time. Although you probably will never have to use the terminal because you can do everything in emacs. I mean we could do everything if you want emacs is a fully hackable. How do you copy in emacs?
Well, now that's a trap question people ask what language to bilingual people think in a lot of people say It's a mix of both languages, but based on sufficient experience. I can tell you that that's not true I think strictly in elisp What do you mean maybe look I don't really have the time to play Tetris and gotta work in that conflict emacs is a part-time job Yeah, let me teach you Although you should first read the tutorial Yeah, I recommend learning vanilla emacs first for a few years default behaviors only undo No redo you control undo the undo emacs So you just press ctrl X ctrl UK meta J that are you 41? But by the way, there's a bug in this so you need to type create a cursor create another cursor create another cursor Select the word and change it to I don't know. Oh I see. So you're gonna treat this like a text buffer. I Treat my whole life like a text buffer. Yeah, but I don't code in emacs. What do you do?
Just read papers. Although mainly I blog about exotic plants.
I recently found myself Switching between vs code and emacs. Get pumping so much money into it Unfortunately made it better But I will always use magic though magic. Lex Friedman doesn't use emacs anymore. Where's my death note how to make toasters more like emacs now Let me go and spend some time bullying not emacs users on the internet. I use the you browser, of course. Well, it's got some good knowledge some good electromechanics open image and image vim is for dark people emacs is for the enlightened Yeah, I fought in the vim emacs wars my computer actually boots into emacs Actually, it's not just emacs. It's a few borrowed components from genera, but it's all List based and it's astonishingly slow. Look at how little memory my computer got I'll look at it regardless of how you configure emacs control H is what unites all emacs users space max What are you five? We use hyperspace max control X control K meta H 42. Yeah, this is a Good old plastic only in emacs.
You can set bookmarks to jump in between text with today Oh, no, hold on read. Hold on so you can just run Hold on.
Let's go With emacs, you will never have your heart broken again because the editor you love and its developer Just fold up and leave you with the useless piece How long would it take you to learn it all? Okay, so if elis is as powerful as the universe and the universe was created in plus-minus billions of years That would be billions of years. I work only part-time Wait, what do you do full-time? Emac emacs is a part-time job.
Are you ready for lunch? Yeah, sure.
Let me just go into the comment section and tell people they should use emacs. Nah, I'll bully something users, you know, emacs has a package for that. I Think them has quite a nice tutorial. I don't remember Remember what I don't remember asking for your opinion.
Well, there is no best editor. In fact, it's impossible for one to be the best, right?
Yeah, I feel you can leave at this point you haven't learned anything Yeah, you can do this in emacs, I mean I can't imagine wanting this but a man's emacs is his castle Control X control B. You can switch quickly between things control tap on Mac What is Mac I spend 20 hours on this but only five minutes writing I hope there's also a package coming up with research papers, by the way for all of this We could set key bindings by the way for all of this by the way And you can bind the key bindings to shorter key bindings Where is that in it? Also when it crashes you can recover from the tilde files Why would you makes crash chat difficulty might take your job and helping people do this? No, no I'm I'm a part of the culture here Dear diary today chat TPT better at writing elos functions than me But I will always use magic though, I noticed you only have the second page of the reference card printed But I know the other page by heart But you don't want the second one Okay, that sounds pretty unintuitive.
It is intuitive. Look it works for me. Okay No, yes No Let's see what this does. See you can your ID do this.
Oh That deletes the region. It doesn't kill it This is the key on the keyboard usually labeled backspace the same one.
You normally use outside Emacs. I Don't use anything outside Emacs.
What do you say you want to start working on it now? No, I want to keep modding. So it's fun.
Once I start working you want my Emacs configuration Look, this is a life of work. One does not simply share his Emacs configuration This is all personalized to my quirks and misdemeanors. I spent all my life Configuring this literally literally. I didn't do anything else than configuring Emacs Jk. Jk on those dim commands You're an evil mom. Okay, I see why some software engineers might prefer Emacs software engineer who's a software engineer This is the school of law your law professor no, I'm a Zen monk The only thing that I do in this department is fixing people's Emacs.
I mean, I could probably automate this Well, let me just write it out real quick. I mean, I could probably automate probably do this in a smarter way Yeah, it's it's kind of pointless It's hard.
Okay. Well, that's the thing.
You don't understand people Never quit Emacs They just die at some point. Yeah, Emacs has a package for that |
TheOnion | Man_Attempts_To_Assassinate_Obama_But_Not_Because_He_s_Black_Or_Anything | Welcome back we have some breaking news for you this morning the FBI is now releasing new details about Alex Croft He was the man that they arrested on Tuesday after it came to light that he had plans to Assassinate the president an FBI spokesman told the press the plot was slowed down largely because of Croft's fears of the assassination would seem Racist when in fact he meant it to have nothing to do with President Obama's skin color now We understand that the FBI was tipped off in part by a videotape that Croft himself had made and distributed to major media Outlets we have a section of that tape to show our viewers right now I will personally destroy Barack Obama, and it's not because he's African American It's because of his socialist policies look my sister's married to a black guy It's not a black and white thing and then he went on to list all of his other African-american friends in the small town of Hewitt Vermont Crofts neighbors are all expressing astonishment this morning saying that Croft was quiet and mostly kept to himself Except when encountering a black person when he would become exceedingly chatty Going so far as to invite complete strangers to hang out today Now's very own Jane Carmichael is right now standing by live in Washington DC with the latest details for us good morning Jane Good morning, Jane.
Tell us about this anti-government militia group.
He tried to get to help him these guys seem pretty scary yes But apparently they turned Croft down because they were quote a little uncomfortable with some of the language Croft was using they come to one Of our meetings and says Obama must be killed He's got a dark soul and everyone was like well What does that mean dark soul, and he's all like nah nah?
That's not what I meant, but I gotta tell you it Just didn't sit right with me now the FBI is saying Croft actually actually conceived and then Abandoned several plans to kill President Obama That's right Crofts journal revealed that he had ruled out explosives for fear It might conjure up memories of the racially motivated Birmingham church bombings, and he discounted using a gun because Martin Luther King Exactly I see ultimately to allay all suspicions of racism Croft decided to shoot the president with a crossbow with a list of important black historical figures taped to the arrow But the FBI apprehended Croft while he was parked outside the White House in a car blasting sly and the family stone well Thanks for being with us Jane.
Thank you now Croft has also released a statement through his lawyers today And I quote it's Obama who should be in prison not me, but I don't mean all black people belong in prison I mean just him well unless you've committed a crime.
I mean it should be equal end quote And that's the latest on that well later in the hour We'll have details on how you can enter to win a date with Jim Haggerty for your 18 year old daughter |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_9 | Last time, on Street Fighter the Lady. What's going on? I do this! That's not right. That's a hunter. We used to fight with honor. Honor? So what is true?
Four years in that basement, eating nuts.
Waiting for the day I would take my vengeance. He has the power of two fighters. Don't cry, you look like a little bitch. I expected a fight. You are a coward.
I feel like a different person since losing all that weight. I feel healthy. I'm truly happy in the first time in years. You were always the big star. While I was the fat ass who buried his emotions in baby fat ribs.
Now! Ryu wins. I said, did you see what happened? Yeah, yeah.
Why don't you try a harder difficulty level next time? Looks like you're hadoopin' is more of a hadoopint.
Oh, yeah. Oh, turn the light on. I'll elect to cue you, yeah. Oh, I like the way it feels. Oh, yeah.
You orientals look all alike. How's your mother tell you apart?
Christie, I don't mean cheers. I mean, you know, fat actress fat.
Do you got any more? Oh, come on. How about a fellow here, will you?
Ryu. Ryu?
I don't know any more.
Fuck him. Fuck you. Oh, fuck you, Judea.
What? But what about all that cellulite? What about his mantids? But what about all that? That was fantastic. |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_a_christmas_carol_snl | Go into Scrooge's bedroom, Martin and Scrooge toss us in a sleep. enough of these ghastly visions.
I don't want to die. I want to live.
Action! you laugh down there! When Mikey came in and saw the set and he said, once again, you've outdone yourself. Shoutouts to Lance, the Dp for making it look gorgeous as he always does. having Scrooge and the ghost of Christmas present to kind of interact I think worked very well. especially it's Steve and Marty. it's blood time. Action. For Molly, we had a cannon of blood rigged to punch them in the face. I don't think they were ready for it. I wasn't ready for how powerful it was going to be. you did not prepare me for that! But my favorite effect is Mikey getting his head kicked off by the horse. And there was only one way to do that. getting a dummy with Mikey's head and geysers of blood. I figured the best way to come at it was by combining as much practical as possible with special effects in post. Luckily we have an incredible post team and we were able to somehow pull it off. And that's a wrap on Steven Martin! Another try. there you go! |
dropout | the_guy_who_won_t_stop_talking_about_jar_jar_binks | Here we go, the new Star Wars trailer. This is awesome. God, turn it off.
What's wrong, Eric? What's wrong, Zach? I'll tell you what's wrong.
Have you guys seriously forgotten how fucking stupid Jar Jar Binks is? Jar Jar Binks from episode one. Wasn't that like 15 years ago? 16 years, 7 months, and 3 weeks. And I could still smell the funk that Jar Jar Binks left behind when he took a huge, disgusting shit all over George Lucas's trilogy. Do you guys seriously not remember how fucking stupid that gung-un fuck was? I mean, kind of. I don't actively think about Jar Jar Binks, to be honest with you.
I can't go one fucking day without reading something about that floppy-eared piece of shit that I wrote myself and published online. But still, man, I just wish he would go the fuck away and stop bringing him up. It's not going to work, Zach. I need you guys to sign my petition to kill off Jar Jar Binks. Kill him off from what? That movie came out over a decade ago. From the new movies, dumbass. You're not getting it, Eric. Only people who care about this are people like you. Jar Jar probably won't even be in the new ones. He won't?
So we did it! Fan power, whoo! Well, we all agree this is important, right?
Eric, you need to move on. Move on?
If he went to jail for manslaughter, he'd probably be out by now. Well, he didn't commit manslaughter. He committed murder because he killed my childhood.
Wait, weren't you like 30 when that movie came out? 33. The point is that those movies belong to the fans. No, they belong to the studios that financially backed them. And the artists that created them. Yeah, yeah, but I pay to see the movies.
So, I mean, not literally. Technically, I stole it on Kazaab. But I mean, why aren't you guys getting this? Sometimes, I just wish I can go back in time before the 21st century and tell George Lucas to never come up with Jar Jar Binks in the first place. You wouldn't go back in time to stop 9-11. Dude, what the fuck is a 9-11?
Oh, fuck you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He's going to apologize. Yeah, this is that moment. Top five worst moments about Jar Jar Binks. I'll start and finish. You guys listen. Number five, his dumb voice. Not a moment. Number four, his retarded fucking ears. So offensive and not a moment.
Number two, no more Shaya. Goodbye.
Number one, it created me. Me said Jar Jar Binks. That line's pretty good. But generally, oh man, that thing is dumb. Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor, and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the laughs. What was that, man? |
ClickHole | these_people_were_there_for_the_miracle_on_ice_and_their_stories_are_incredible | This was a match between America and the Soviet Union at the height of the Cold War. I remember the day before the game, Jimmy Carter went on TV and said that if the U.S. lost, he was gonna cut off his own ass. Then Brezhnev went on TV and said that if Russia lost, he was gonna cut off his own ass. The stakes couldn't have been higher. The Soviet team had these big muscular guys, several of whom had won gold in the last Olympics. Team USA had a much scrawnier roster. A bunch of guys straight out of college, Henry Kissinger, E.T., a couple of vacuums, and three audience volunteers who were there on vacation from Fresno. Nobody really thought the U.S. had a chance. The U.S. hadn't won a gold medal in hockey since 1960, when Canada was disqualified for using Ganesh.
I went to the game with my grandpa, and the crowd was cheering so loud that his eyeballs popped out of his head and fell into my nachos. And then I accidentally ate his eyeballs, and he gave me a spanking.
You could tell the game was gonna be special because when we dropped the puck for the opening face-off, it transformed into a bald eagle and hovered above the ice singing My Country, Tis of Thee. Hearing the puck eagle sing its beautiful song made us feel hopeful for Team USA. But then E.T. barfed on the eagle, and it died, which seemed like a bad omen.
The game began, and the Soviet Union immediately scored a goal. A slap shot, and it was deflected in. The Soviet Union takes a one to nothing lead. Then two minutes later, a puck flew into the stands and dented Nancy Reagan's head. Then the Soviet scored a second goal, and after that, another puck flew into the stands and dented Nancy Reagan's head again.
If that wasn't demoralizing enough, the stadium announcer came over the loudspeaker and told us a story about a time he saw a dog get hit by a truck. That pretty much took the life out of the crowd. I was sitting near the US bench, and I could hear Herb Brooks giving his players the pep talk of a lifetime. He said, boys, you're bad at hockey and an embarrassment to our country. If you want any chance in hell at winning this thing, you better listen to this goddamn computer I found. Herb Brooks brought a supercomputer out to the bench that was capable of calculating in real time the best strategies for beating the Soviets. It was called Electric Phillip. Electric Phillip would yell, pass to left wing, or shoot glove side high, or become sexual for Electric Phillip, and the players would listen. The penalty. Big shot, he did it! Suddenly, we were winning.
The Soviets started panicking and trying to build their own supercomputer, but theirs ended up being more of a nuisance than anything. All the Soviet computer could do was scream Happy Halloween and hurl raw meat into the crowd. 28 seconds, the crowd going insane! The clock started counting down, and no one could believe it. Five seconds left in the game!
Do you believe in miracles? They did it, they won! When Al Michaels said, do you believe in miracles?
He wasn't talking about the game. He had just put his hand in a toaster, and when he pulled it out, it was a perfectly toasted piece of toast. Then he took a bite out of it. I was so happy I turned to the person next to me and recited the entirety of the Declaration of Independence. It was very moving. Miracle and ice was a beautiful thing to witness, and I'll never forget it unless a coconut falls on my head, which is extremely likely because I live near a coconut tree and I'm always kicking the fuck out of it trying to get free coconuts. What a game. |
cracked | why_outrage_culture_is_ruining_the_internet | The internet. It's a place we've all been, and always are, and always will be. We're here forever. This is it for us. We'll die here. It's also a place that we need to keep nice. At least at the surface, where most of us all hang out most of the time.
The sharks and the garbage can stay below. We don't need that. I actually watched that. Sharpage. This summer. Whatever this is. Shark made of garbage. I wouldn't watch that.
Anyway, I just think we can all help each other a little better. About very basic, almost trivial things, so it's very easy. You won't have to stand up.
Here are things that just aren't helping. Calling people idiots before trying to educate them. It's not uncommon for conversations online, aka arguments, aka no-I'm-rights, to divert into childish name-calling and just general jerkitude. It's a problem on social media, the Twitter's, the Facebook's, all that. It's also a problem with humans, and now it's seeping into our websites and articles, and the way we're trying to inform each other. Here are a bunch of articles with headlines that are basically, dear idiots, who click. Don't know what the article's about.
Not gonna read it. Not gonna share it. I clicked away.
You called me an idiot. It's not a great opener. There are so many think pieces out now that start with this overly antagonistic approach. Hey, you're wrong, you idiot! You stop doing what you're doing!
But tell me, has that ever changed a person's mind? Or at the very least, opened up a person to the idea of having their mind changed? Do rhetorical questions have answers?
If you want to educate someone, or let them know that one of their beliefs is wrong, no matter how despicable you think their belief is, being some ass-**** piece of s*** is absolutely never going to work. Don't just point at someone and cast them out as a big wrong moron, and then expect them to go, oh, how interesting. How might I better myself, my new kind friend? Bring them in. Actually try to help them. At one point, they weren't an ass-**** piece of s*** with whom you disagreed.
They were just some dumb f***ing baby. And then their lack of education, or a hostile environment growing up, or so many other factors turned them into the poo pile they are today.
So just try to be nice. Education and progress comes from understanding and empathy and being generally decent so a person will actually listen to you and open themselves up to change. Change is hard.
It's why teachers don't start their syllabi with f*** you. And I'm not saying don't call people idiots ever. Some people are idiots who have idiotic beliefs and idiots say and do dumb things and dumb things are funny. But if you genuinely want to change a person's mind or educate them, which I guess I naively think you should, if you want to do that, don't tell the dummies they're stupid, you f***ing idiot. That's not how you, like, you f***ing...
Anyway, that's just my advice. You stumps. Lying for apparently no reason.
You'll see this on Tumblr a lot. Here's a picture of a little Vietnamese girl with a gun pointed at her head and a heart-wrenching story about her life up to that point and the horrors of war. It's reblogged a ton and then you look closer and realize it's a picture of Tom Barringer from Platoon.
Now I ask you here, now, why?
There are real photos of the Vietnam War. There are real stories about how war is terrible.
Why get people to empathize and agree with you about something that is true only to undercut it with the fact that you're talking about some random amazing movie. And here's a diatribe about the pink slime from which they used to make chicken nuggets. It's a gross description, it's relatively accurate, and it highlights some of the problems in our fast food industry. And that picture of the pink slime? It's... nope. It's something called a tubby custard machine from Teletubbies. Again, why? You don't have to lie in this situation. The food we eat is disgusting. Just tell us the truth about it and show it to us. It's gross. You don't need to show us a picture of Teletubby cum. There are tons of effective documentaries that delve into the horrors of the American food industry and not one of them featured a bucket of Teletubby cum.
Moving on. Problematic problematicism.
I love science, but I also love looking good. It's a satire about women in science, but the problem with it is that it's more likely to inspire a generation of comedians than STEM majors. Because, Salon, it's not like you're always talking about how there need to be more young female comedians out there, and maybe it's okay to also inspire young women to become comedians in addition to exposing them to science. At the same time, you're just arguing with yourself, holy sh**, Salon.
Calm down. Everything is fine. Things are fine.
Not everything is problematic. Sure, there's a lot of problematicism out there, but not everything has to be problematic. You don't need to create problems with things. There are other problems right over there.
Look, it's trans misogyny. Maybe ignore the funny woman using science to make little girls laugh.
Before Disney's Inside Out is a musical short called Lava about a man volcano and a woman volcano and love and lava and sh**. But there's a problem with this Pixar short. In fact, it's the worst thing Pixar has ever done.
Definitely the most problematic and definitely the most volcanic and definitely the most sexist. Was it necessary to gender the volcanoes and to make them hetero and to give a young skinny bride to an old fat man? The internet was a buzz with no. None of that was necessary. But Lava is actually based on a legendary Hawaiian folk singer and his wife who look like this.
So all I'm saying is just be outraged a little more reasonably. Because sometimes things aren't outrageous. Sometimes things just are. It's okay. It's gonna be okay.
But I'm not gonna take away your outrage because some things are outrageous. I get it. Outrage is important. You know, without outrage, what would you do throughout the day? Anyway, who gives a sh**?
Hey guys, Cody wanted me to tell you to like and subscribe to the channel if you like this video. So do that.
Are you okay? This is out now that start with this overly antagonistic approach. Hey, you're wrong. You idiot. You stop doing what you're doing.
But tell me, has that ever changed a person's mind? Or at the very least opened up a person to the idea of having their mind changed. Do rhetorical questions have answers?
If you want to educate someone or let them know that one of their beliefs is wrong, no matter how despicable you think their belief is, being some ass piece of sh** is absolutely never going to work. Don't just point at someone and cast them out as a big wrong moron and then expect them to go, oh, how interesting. How might I better myself, my new kind friend? Bring them in. Actually try to help them. At one point, they weren't an ass piece of sh** with whom you disagreed. They were just some dumb f**king baby. And then their lack of education or a hostile environment growing up or so many other factors turn them into the poo pile they are today. So just try to be nice. Education and progress comes from understanding and empathy and being generally decent so a person will actually listen to you and open themselves up to change. Change is hard.
It's why teachers don't start their syllabi with f**k you. And I'm not saying don't call people idiots ever. Some people are idiots who have idiotic beliefs and idiots say and do dumb things and dumb things are funny. But if you genuinely want to change a person's mind or educate them, which I guess I naively think you should, if you want to do that, don't tell the dummies they're stupid you f**king idiot. That's not how you, like, you f**king...anyway. That's just my advice, you stumps. Lying for apparently no reason.
You'll see this on Tumblr a lot. Here's a picture of a little Vietnamese girl with a gun pointed at her head and a heart-wrenching story about her life up to that point and the horrors of war. It's reblogged a ton.
And then you look closer and realize it's a picture of Tom Berenger from Platoon. Now I ask you here, now, why?
There are real photos of the Vietnam War. There are real stories about how war is terrible.
Why get people to empathize and agree with you about something that is true only to undercut it with the fact that you're talking about some random amazing movie. And here's a diatribe about the pink slime from which they used to make chicken nuggets. It's a gross description, it's relatively accurate, and it highlights some of the problems in our fast food industry. And that picture of the pink slime? It's...nope. It's something called a tubby custard machine from Teletubbies. Again, why? You don't have to lie in this situation. The food we eat is f**king disgusting. Just tell us the truth about it and show it to us. It's gross. You don't need to show us a picture of Teletubby cum. There are tons of effective documentaries that delve into the horrors of the American food industry, and not one of them featured a bucket of Teletubby cum.
Moving on. Problematic problematicism.
I love science, but I also love looking good. It's a satire about women in science, but the problem with it is that it's more likely to inspire a generation of comedians than STEM majors. Because, Salon, it's not like you're always talking about how there need to be more young female comedians out there, and maybe it's okay to also inspire young women to become comedians, in addition to exposing them to science. At the same time, you're just arguing with yourself, holy s**t, Salon, calm down.
Everything is fine. Things are fine.
Not everything is problematic. Sure, there's a lot of problematicism out there, but not everything has to be problematic. You don't need to create problems with things. There are other problems right over there.
Look, it's trans misogyny. Maybe ignore the funny woman using science to make little girls laugh.
Before Disney's Inside Out is a musical short called Lava about a man, volcano, and a woman, volcano, and love, and lava, and s**t. But there's a problem with this Pixar short. In fact, it's the worst thing Pixar has ever done.
Definitely the most problematic, and definitely the most volcanic, and definitely the most sexist. Was it necessary to gender the volcanoes, and to make them hetero, and to give a young skinny bride to an old fat man? The internet was a buzz, with no. None of that was necessary. But Lava is actually based on a legendary Hawaiian folk singer and his wife, who look like this.
So all I'm saying is just be outraged a little more reasonably, because sometimes things aren't outrageous. Sometimes things just are. It's okay. It's gonna be okay.
But I'm not gonna take away your outrage, because some things are outrageous. I get it. Outrage is important. You know, I mean, without outrage, what would you do throughout the day? Anyway, who gives a s**t?
Hey guys, Cody wanted me to tell you to like and subscribe to the channel, if you like this video. So do that. Are you okay? |
TheOnion | Blood_Drenched_Berserk_CEO_Demands_More_Web_Videos | Staff members of arts and entertainment website grind.com told reporters that CEO Jeff Potkle went berserk earlier this morning, becoming drenched in his own blood and the blood of several employees as he viciously demanded the staff produce more web video content where he would quote fucking kill them all. We need more videos! Videos with bands! Videos with cool places! Random videos! Funny videos! Videos with celebrities! I want a video with a celebrity! I don't give a shit which one! You think this is funny? I'll show you funny! Anybody else have a problem with making more web videos? According to sources, the violent 45-minute tirade was triggered by an internal report stating that competing websites were garnering more video plays per month, prompting Potkle to overturn desks, destroy office equipment, and brutally assault employees.
Can I turn you on? Huh? Making videos turns me on! Can you turn me on? Turn me on! Come on!
Throughout the tirade, the deranged executive is said to have screamed repeatedly that video on the internet is where it's at, and that his company had better make more. People don't want to read! They want videos! They want to sit at work and watch videos! Get out your little fucking camera and make some videos and put them on the goddamn internet! He threw our office manager's body against the door and then told us that nobody could leave unless we came up with three original video ideas for BMW's new Live Sophisticated campaign. Then he made us watch as he bit his own tongue in half. Videos need to go viral! viral! viral! viral! Onlookers said Potkle's animalistic rampage was not a unique incident, with the CEO headbutting all members of the marketing team last fall when he felt the company's Twitter following wasn't strong enough. And in May, he reportedly lit an intern on fire after overall page views dipped.
Come on, you fucking pussy! You think you can take me? Huh? You want a piece of this? Come at me! Right here! Right now!
This is the kind of passion you need to make web videos. He said he didn't care if the videos were 45 second piles of shit, as long as we had 40 new clips online by the end of the day that we could put advertising before, during, and after. I wanted to tell him that we didn't have the staff to do any more than we already do, but he'd probably just rip my esophagus out with his teeth like he did Kenny.
More video views! More! I want this video online! |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Tips_For_Winning_Your_Fantasy_League_In_What_Is_Now_Clearly_The_NFL_s_Final_Season | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. Retinal scan, beep, thumbprint scan, beep. I'm Perry Bigwell and you've been granted access to the Owner's Box.
Whoa, big week three surprise. It's become abundantly clear that this is the last year of the NFL. But does the inevitable collapse of the league mean you should give up on your fantasy season?
Perry says please. Start with quarterback Drew Brees. I know he hasn't looked fantastic in the first two weeks, but hold on to him. He's got appetizing matchups against soft defenses on the way and as long as he stays focused while Saints workers begin dismantling the stadium around him, I expect big numbers from the QB. On the other hand, be wary of Ryan Tannehill. His head isn't even in this week's matchup, he's too focused on getting his new real estate career off the ground before the NFL ends. Drop him.
And hit the waiver wire hard to find those deep sleepers who want to put in performances they can tell their kids about after first explaining to them what the NFL used to be. And most of all, remember to enjoy your last year of watching professional football. If the first three weeks are any indication, the last 15 weeks should be an uncomfortable car crash of crime and violence that you just can't look away from. Later Green Bay fans are still refusing to give back Jordy Nelson after his Lambo leap into the crowd Sunday. |
cracked | disturbing_things_credit_card_reps_want_to_tell_you_but_can_t | Oh, hi. How are you today? This is Rebecca from the Bank of Ultimate Total Trust. 🎵 Bank of Ultimate Total Trust, we're but 🎵 Just calling to talk to you about your credit card? Oh, no, no, no. There's nothing wrong with it. 🎵 Aaaah! 🎵 Yet.
But it's really just a matter of time, seeing as modern society basically forces you to have a credit card. It's one of the main things that affects your credit score, which determines everything from your employment to your eligibility to rent a home. Oh, and if you don't have a credit card, good luck booking a hotel where the mattresses aren't so soaked with bodily fluids. The hotel has to be legally classified as a combination blood and sperm bank. As such, you'd think your credit card info would be well guarded, but there's a non-zero chance the person in charge of your entire future stability is a 19-year-old rookie who hit the floor after just a few hours of training. And that person, whose brain is technically still developing, now has access to your social security number, phone number, name, and address. And if they also have a drug problem or if they just have poor impulse control, because again, 19-year-old's brain's still not fully formed, oh, then they can just steal all your personal info so easily.
In the past, reps took pictures of accounts on their phones or wrote down pertinent info in a notebook, which, yes, has led to fraud. This has actually resulted in a no pen, no paper, no phones policy on the floor at my company. Having your phone out is now a fireable offense, but people still get around that by using an ingenious trick known as using their phones when management isn't looking. A credit card company is probably the only place where if you see your coworker with their phone out, you pray they're secretly watching porn and masturbating underneath the desk.
Don't worry, I am.
Hacking does happen. In fact, a stolen database of names, credit card numbers, and addresses appeared on a dark web forum as recently as October 2022. According to Sybil Research and Intelligence Labs, the thieves use malicious bits of code injected into hacked websites to obtain the details of 1.2 million Visa, MasterCard, and American Express cards. It's more common, though, for scammers to call credit card companies directly and try to get your personal info from us over the phone. We're probably an easier target than you are, because most people born after 1980s simply don't answer calls from unknown numbers anymore. Scammers also target us directly because we fall for their tricks.
A lot. Like a lot a lot.
Hello? Sure. I'd love to tell you everything about all my customers. We legally can't provide a third party with any information, even with the customer's permission, because we have no way of knowing if we're talking to the actual person or a fraudster. Hello? This is Mr. Real Name. I just need to confirm my social security number real quick. I'll start reading them out in order, and you tell me when I got the right one.
0-0-0-0-0-0-1. Ugh. Damn it.
But inexperienced agents accidentally give away personal info all the time. A customer called and asked what address I had on file. Before I could catch myself, I just potentially confirmed your personal info for a fraudster who probably won't be using it to publish a breakthrough cancer research paper under your name.
Hope you like living in an old refrigerator box with roommates. In real life, rich people get all the cool stuff. Fast cars, tasty food, names with numbers in them. And speaking of numbers, credit cards are no different.
If you're rich, you can get a personal credit card service agent who's forbidden from ever saying no to you. I'm actually only half joking. At my company, if your credit limit is $20,000 or higher, you'll be serviced by the high spend department. To work in high spend, you have to be willing to say either yes or I'll do what I can to even the most ludicrous customer requests. So let's say I get a call like this. I'm gonna need you to extend my credit limit so I can remake the last two seasons of Game of Thrones. Not changing any of the story, I just want to give all the dragons huge massive milkers and raging hard handshakes, you know, because they're like super strong. I'll get in trouble if that call is reviewed and I say no. So what I always say is, I would be more than happy to do everything I can to convince management to approve your request. This can include everything from troubleshooting website problems or app issues to calling merchants alongside the customer. Or if you're wealthy enough, you can call us with a problem. Hang up and wait for us to call you back without having to sit through hours of sanity ending elevator wait music.
And they say money can't buy happiness. There's even a program in high spend where an agent can send customers flowers, a personal note, gift cards, or anything else to make them happy. Then you get access to all sorts of perks like luxury lounges at airports, extended warranties on everything you buy, access to a massive cash back program, and basically infinite genie wishes. It's estimated that American Express alone spent $10 billion in 2018 on rewards for its high spend members. One owner of American Express's extremely high end Centurion card once reportedly told his high spend rep, he wanted the exact horse that Kevin Costner used in the film Dances with Wolves. That man's personal card concierge not only found the animal but arranged for it to be shipped to Europe. And how do credit card companies make enough money to buy all these gift bags and gift horses?
Well, credit card companies don't advertise this, but the real money maker for us is the convenience fee or surcharge paid when your card is used, which usually comes up to 3% or 4%. Stores are basically paying for the privilege of not having to handle dollar bills that might have been stuffed into someone's jock strap. And the no touching ball sweat soaked money tax is big money. In 2018, American Express made $24 billion in swipe fees, three times as much as they made from charging interest. That's why for decades, large credit card companies forbade merchants from incentivizing customers to use credit cards with the lowest swipe fees. Something that would make things better for the customer and the business, but maybe slightly worse for some boardroom thousands of miles away. So naturally, when the government tried to get credit card companies to stop operating on the snitches get financial stitches principle, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the credit card companies in a 2018 decision. Hooray for justice? So now rather than eating the surcharge themselves, businesses mostly tack those swipe fees onto your order without you even knowing. This is illegal in only five places in the US, but rest easy in knowing that all that money stolen from you will go to a good cause. As long as you consider sending some rich guy an actual talking horse for no reason, a good cause.
Hey. Hey, yeah, what's up? |
dropout | i_wish_i_were_gay_hardly_working | So then it was like, she just wanted us to talk the whole day and I was like, slow down. Let's get to know each other first. Did you actually say that? Yeah. And now we're not going to see each other again. Girls are so much drama.
Man, I just wish I was gay. Oh, what am I thinking? Oh my God, you're gay.
She gets it. So much easier for you. Yeah, like I went on a date a couple of nights ago and he shows up with wet jeans and flip-flops. Okay, and then when I say I work in comedy, he starts explaining comedy to me. Oh my God. You are so lucky.
I wish I could be gay. It'd be so much easier. I am so sick of my straight friends saying that they wish they were gay.
I don't believe you guys. Believe it. What's not to believe?
It's easy. I'm gay. It's not easy. No, of course. When I came out, my mom threw a Bible at me and it missed and hit my nana in the face. I'm not saying it's all easy.
No one said that. Did I say that? Because I don't think I did. I didn't hear it. Try listening. Okay, I'm not saying it's all easy, but what I'm saying is, you men, okay, I don't want that.
I wish I was a lesbian. What makes you wish that you were a lesbian, Katie? It would be like having a best friend.
Here's the thing, though. I do not think that I could put my lips around a vagina. Oh my god. Women are complicated.
Being gay would solve everything. It wouldn't solve everything.
I can never go to the self.
Right, of course. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
But women have so many emotions. It'd be so much easier to be with a man who's constantly hiding his emotions. Yeah, and all I ever do with men is argue, argue, argue, you know? Can you even imagine two women having a disagreement? Because I can't. Okay, you know women are people, right?
Sweetie, this must be so foreign to you. You have no idea what we're saying, honey. This isn't foreign to me.
Neither of you wish you were gay. You just wish dating was easier. I could get laid so much more often. Yeah, that is true. And have no drama. You're so stupid. I would love it to live in a world where there's no jealousy and no lack of communication. That's what I want. Okay, well to your two new gay lives.
Thank you. Ta-ta! There she goes. Luckiest girl in the world. Oh my god, right?
I wish I was gay.
We should date. We should date? We should date.
Okay, never mind. Hey, what's up? It's Ali from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
dropout | dora_the_explorer_and_the_destiny_medallion_part_2 | Come on, this way. Then watch out for parrots. Very poisonous.
Dora, are you sure this guy can lead us to the Destiny Medallion? Listen, there's a reason they call him Benny the Bull, Gronkowski. He's the toughest, most reliable guy that I... We are so lost. Oh, they call him the Bull because of his nose ring. Damn it. What do we do now?
I use backpack. Backpack?
Mm-hmm. Binary actualized computational kinetic processor. Acco.
Great. Good work, backpack. Also, I love you, Dora. Boots! Fominos!
Tomb of the Ancients. The Destiny Medallion has been buried here for a millennia. That means a thousand years. Come on, its riddles have confounded generations of explorers.
Give up your secrets! Are you kidding me? Benny, no! We should turn back. No.
I think I can do this. Do you know how to solve the puzzle? You're one crazy chola, Dora.
No. Correction. We did it. Diego, watch out! It's... Viper? I know. Diego?
We appreciate the help, Dora. But we'll take it from here. Come on, boys. Destiny awaits. That doesn't have to end this way, Dora. There's a difference between exploring and sweeping. Is anyone else afraid of the grumpy old troll? You'll never take it from me. Adios, amigo. |
cracked | a_non_exhaustive_list_of_all_the_times_that_chevy_got_handsy | It's almost as well known for his comedy career as he is for his constantly being a huge fuck to people career. But while Chase typically lands in hot water due to his ill, chosen, frequently terrible words, he's also been involved in several physical altercations over the years. The most legendary is Chase's 1978 skirmish with Bill Murray, which occurred backstage at Saturday Night Live, after Murray made a crack about Chase's wife, and Chase responded with a put down about Murray's moon-like face. Egged on by John Belushi, the two went at it, in front of poor Billy Joel, no less.
I had no problem with fights. I was ready to level them.
Less well known and way more unexpected was the time he slapped Rob Hubel. So I went up to him, I was like, Chevy, I just wanna say, you know, I'm a big fan, I'm Rob Hubel. And Chevy just hauled off and slapped me across the face. So hard, I mean.
Then in 2018, Chase was involved in a road rage incident in which a driver alleged that Chase took a swing at him after shouting, I am going to ruin your lives at his passengers. And of course, Chase repeatedly tried to fight Joel McHale while filming Community. |
cracked | 1_23_08_heath_ledger_fred_thompson_skype_haggis | It's Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm auditioning for the role of sarcastic news anchor. Law and Order actor Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race.
That's all. Just wanted to use that sound effect. Thank you for indulging me.
Actor Heath Ledger was found dead yesterday at a Manhattan apartment. Looks like he did know how to quit us after all. Ledger is survived by 10,000 Brokeback Mountain gay jokes.
We're going to hell. And VOIP service Skype has shut down its video chat technology because of a security exploit that was discovered. Namely, the people that you chat with on video might be bone-ass ugly. Beware.
Recession fears nearly pushed the stock market to a new low yesterday until the Fed chairman announced three-quarters of a percent decrease in a key interest rate that... what's the goddamn point? If you knew what an interest rate was, would you be watching the friggin' News On Cracked? Sorry folks, listen. When Amy Winehouse gets caught using a turkey as a bong or the Harlem Globetrotters turn up in a steroids report, we'll report on that. We know where our talents are folks, such as they are. In a related story, you're going flat broke. And Heath Ledger is still dead.
And finally, Scotland is lobbying the U.S. to lift a ban on traditional gift haggis because the Scots believe that haggis will sell really well here in the States. Hey Scotland, we're not just a bunch of meat-eating, fat-pants-wearing Neanderthals who will eat anything as long as it's fried in grease and stuffed with meat, okay? If you put some melted cheese on the whole thing and serve it with some fries, then we've got a deal. |
dropout | hardly_working_beef_gurewitch_returns | Whoa, somebody's stapled my eyelids open. There you go. Closing in on 5 a.m. and m. I bet those bellies are just jonesing for some tuck. Shut. Up.
That's why I brought a full platter of my family's signature dish, beef.
A thousand times, yes. Schneider-ho, potato. The recipe was created by my terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible grandmother in the early 2200s. Terrible, terrible? The opposite of great, great, great, great, meaning my grandmother four generations in the future.
Her name is Juan Tildo and she's an intergalactic cat feeler. She traveled back in time to give me this platter. I'm sorry. Her name is Juan Tildo? Now, obtaining the beef wasn't easy.
Under the cover of Knight's inky blackness, she snuck into India and butt-poisoned the Maharaji, then withheld the antidote until he gave her the keys to the Taj Mall. They turned the Taj Mahal into a mall in the late 2100s when Brookstone bought Asia.
Am I asleep? What's happening?
The point is, that's where they were keeping India's last sacred cow. Juan Tildo broke in, removed the cow's bones while it was still alive, and used them to beat the remaining skin and muscle heap to death. She dragged it back to her house and left it up in her un-air-conditioned attic, intending to cook it that night, then had a brain fart and went to college.
Oh, what you majoring? Economics. It's a good field.
Anyway, four years later, she took out the meat, soaked it in a barrel filled with vinegar and powdered milk, set it on fire, and used as a toilet. And there you have it, beef stroganoff gurwich casserole gurwich.
Oh! Honestly, Dan! Honestly, fuck you! Wait!
We are not falling for this again. We are not eating that abomination! You're right. Except you don't have a choice. We've already eaten it in the future, and now it's eating you from the inside out.
Ah!
Don't ask me! Ask one-tildo!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ahh! Ah ha ha ha! Oh!
C'mon. |
TheOnion | Will_New_NFL_Player_Safety_Rules_Ruin_Football_Injuries | It's time to hit the pits, sweatheads, because it's almost NFL season, and there's a lot of confusion with some of the new rules that the league thinks will make the game safer. And I'm all for that in theory, but my question is, will these player safety rules ruin football injuries? I mean, just think about it. Is this stuff going to take the fun out of concussions? Seeing a guy use his helmet to knock someone cold is what makes the game so great. Now they want to make that illegal?
What's going to happen to the thrill of hearing the crowd go silent when a guy can't get up? What'll happen to the fun of wondering whether the guy will ever walk again? Sure, I should wait and see.
I shouldn't get all worked up before the season starts, but that's my fear when I hear about these new rules. Won't penalizing guys for starting a tackle with their helmet just make tackles less painful and cool as shit looking? Football is about watching people's bodies get destroyed, plain and simple. I mean, sometimes I don't even watch the games, I just watch the injury highlights. After all these new rules, I'm worried a casual fan might not be able to recognize the sport anymore. And look, I'm all about protecting the players, don't get me wrong. But can't they find a way to do that without taking away all the great bone-crushing injuries that make football football? And they also say they might eject guys who target defenseless players above the shoulders. My take? I think they should eject players who don't do that. All we can do is wait until the season starts and hope the new rules don't ruin what makes the game great. Otherwise, I'll have to resort to getting my fix from UFC and chasing ambulances around like I do during the offseason.
Okay, coming up after the break, we're going to the phones. Two outs, bottom of the ninth, which Dodger would you like a little smooch from? Mmm mmm mmm, time to pour yourself a nice hot cup of sweat.
Now every week it feels like there's a new MLB player apologizing for some old racist, sexist, or homophobic tweets. And I think it's about time we asked the question, what can the league do to stop baseball from being such a simple game for dumb bigots to play? Now don't get me wrong, I love the game, I'm not proposing anything crazy here. I'm a purist, just make it a little more complex so we can weed out some of the narrow-minded yokels. Right now all you need to know to play baseball is hit ball, catch ball, throw ball. It's easy any backwards-ass hayseed who can swing a bat can make it onto a team. Some small changes could confound the racist morons enough to keep them away. Maybe add an extra base for the last three innings, or do a snake line-up where you go backwards from 9 to 1 when you get to the last hit or something. Anything to make it a bit harder on the ignorant fucking simpletons. Hey, make it so runners have to tag up twice on a fly ball, I don't know. Anything that might trip up the idiots dumb enough to think gay people and black people are less than them. Maybe you don't even need to change any rules, just add a literacy test in spring training. Bottom line is this, MLB says it takes these controversies seriously, but actions speak louder than words. They need to do whatever's necessary to stop baseball from attracting people who are too stupid to handle any other professional sports. And while they're at it, it wouldn't hurt for a few teams to make some changes to weed out some of the fans too. |
dropout | the_infinisphereb | Do not be afraid, Lieutenant Christopher Johnson of Earth. Your shuttle was lost in the cosmos over ten eons ago. We have salvaged it and revived your frozen body.
One touch and all will be absorbed into your brain within another second. I don't fear anything.
You can't. You can't do anything.
Just give it a second. Give it a second.
Anything. A white-hot coldness running through your brain. Any sense, really? Any feeling or emotion? Even a thought. A sense of oneness in particular.
No. I don't think so. Damn it. Not again.
Hey, Eric. Do you want to go take a look at it? Maybe try to control all the lead because that won't... It's everything, okay?
Silence. The complexities of the Infinisphere are too great for you to comprehend.
Why don't you blow on it through your shirt? Like, try that last time, okay? It didn't work. And neither did holding down the power button. Hey, fellas, let's just try this again, huh?
You don't want to do that. You may or may not die instantly.
Hey-o! Hi, Randy.
Hey, I just got a call from dispatch saying that you're Infinisphere was acting a little wonky. Yeah, it's not working. Oh, yeah. Looks like you're Zero Matrix Man who was fucked up. You're kidding. I saved up 30 light years for this stupid thing. Don't light years measure distance? Not anymore. You would know that if the Infinisphere was... You know, this is why I hate doing this.
Looks like we're all set. Okay, uh, place your hand on this fear and we'll get started. Don't be scared. Look, it's fine. I'm going to try blowing on it through my shirt. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Stand_Down_Tig_Notaro_bombs_onstage_then_things_get_worse | My friend's father is a comedian in Denver and he had a connection with the local club that was in the suburbs outside of Denver. In my first year, I just went up on stage and told people things that I had thought about and left the stage and luckily in Los Angeles I'd gotten a good response so I assumed that was going to happen in Denver. That didn't happen in Denver.
Every night when I was hosting the shows, I was met with silence and I did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, then Saturday comes along and I show back up to the show and the people from the club were saying, where is the emergency fill-in comedian? Looking around in a panic, where is the emergency fill-in comedian? And Nancy Norton, who was the feature, was not there and I was like, oh my gosh, what happened to Nancy? I thought she had gotten hurt, I was so worried and she had been so nice and supportive of my comedy even though it was bombing. It turns out, the owner of the club came up to me and said, you don't work in my club, handed me my check for the entire week and sent me on my way. My comedy was, I had caused an emergency, they needed to get an emergency fill-in comedian to replace me. So I left the club on Saturday and there was a line out the door to come into the show and friends of mine were all in line waiting to get into the show and as I was walking out, they were like, hey, where are you going? I said, I just got fired and they were like, oh my gosh, it was so humiliating and so they were like, oh, meet us at the Mercury Cafe and as I was walking out to the parking lot, I saw Nancy Norton pulling in in her car, the supportive comedian, and she was like, hey, where are you going?
And I said, oh, I just got fired and she said, no, oh my gosh, just trust me, be so happy that these people don't get you. They completely get me, but that's my problem and I'll deal with that another time, but just be glad that they don't get you.
And at the time, I didn't understand why this, you know, comedy club on the outskirts of town, why that would be a good thing that they didn't get me, but I got in the car to pull out of the parking lot and it was snowing, covered in ice, I pull out of the parking lot, lose control of the car, the car spins out of control in an intersection and as it's spinning and I'm like slowly sliding towards this pole, I'm just like, no, like the club was called Wits End and, you know, obviously I was at my Wits End and the horror that my life would end after being fired from Wits End Comedy Club outside of Denver and then slamming into a light post and dying was just way too much for me to handle and actually, now that I'm telling this story, I'm remembering they did offer a car. It was an old station wagon that had clowns painted on the side that said, follow me to Wits End Comedy Club. So the only possible worst situation would have been if I had taken them up on the offer to use their station wagon and I had been leaving in that car and slid out of control and died in the Follow Me to Wits End Comedy Club. Maybe that would have been a little bit worse. |
SaturdayNightLive | dr_beaman_s_office_test_results_snl | I'm sorry. you have the wrong number. No, there's no mark here. my name? it's Mark. no, I spell it with a C. who put you up to this?
What do you mean you're my wife? Okay, if you're my wife, what's our cat's name?
Mr. Stitches, Damn, you're good. Doctor, the Framinghams are here to see you. Oh, good. send them right in. By the way, can I get Tuesday off for a modeling job? Absolutely.
Hi, hello, Tom. Kathy, very good to see you. please have a seat. So how is our baby? Well, I don't want to keep you in suspense here, so we'll just get right into it. Hold on. Hello?
Beverly? How the hell? What? no! Old Chester? a Palomino?
They're beautiful. Yes. they're gorgeous. beautiful golden fur. uh-huh. yes.
Well, I've got all the time in the world.
Oh, actually, Beverly, I should go. one of my patients is being a real knob job. excuse me? yeah, that was him. you know how it is, Beverly. all right. What's that? No. no, he doesn't look like that. close, though. he's looking at me right now. his big, sweaty, fat face, sucking in air like a dying fish. you should see him. between you and me, I'd like to stomp on his head till my foot's covered in brains. we can hear you. at least his wife's got a big enough ass for a nice roll in the hay. All right, Beverly. goodbye, old friend. sorry, I was just, uh, subscribing to some magazines. No, you weren't. Now, where were we? Oh, right. your father may never again have what we call a human face. What?
We heard about our baby. Who are you, people? The Framinghams. we gave birth to a baby a week ago when you were supposed to give us test results. Are you Brian and Cheryl Framingham?
No. Blowfish and Funk Framingham? No! For God's Sakes! Jennifer, Get The eff in here! Yes, Doctor?
Who are these people? They're Tom and Kathy Framingham from Mount Oak. they have a baby, Shane. My God. Tom and Kathy, I feel like an idiot. of course. your son Shane. he's fantastic. Now, quick phone call to Beverly to get the details on his new pal Amino and then I'll give you the test results. we haven't seen our son in a week. we want to know.
You shut that mouth, Tom. I will Not. you will if you're in my office. I will Not shut up. Tom, please. until that Asian wife of yours is shut up, too. you are really being awful. believe me, I know. but you're all going to need to shut up. are we clear on that?
Good. Now, I'm going to tell you this quickly and it's probably going to sting a little bit. your son's a witch. What? Oh, my God, no! this is ridiculous. there's no way to determine it.
Yes, there is.
Jennifer, please send in Doctor Poop. and, yes, laugh all you wanted his last name, but he is the man who could very well save your son's life. Tom, Kathy, I'm Doctor Steven Poop. I'm sorry, there's absolutely nothing I can do for your son, but I can do the robot. that'll be $5,000. Good day to you both.
What the hell was that? Look, I couldn't think of anything good. the truth is, we misplaced your baby. you've been drunk. is that an actual curse word? I think so.
Listen, when did you misplace our baby? It was right after we delivered him. I went out to grab a bite to eat, and I forgot I had him with me. Then I met some friends for a beer. we went to a Bodine's concert, and son of a Von Druck, if I didn't leave him at the concert hall. Thank God they had him the next day at Lost and Found. then I just flat out lost him.
Doc, I gotta tell you, you have angered me with your irresponsibility. And yet, at the same time, you were a straight shooter. And I can't fault you for that. we'll let it slide. but just this once. honey! now, let's go start making another one. Ew! you were totally grossing me out! you'd be creepy! Thank God. Yikes! that was a rough. |
SaturdayNightLive | cosby_obama_saturday_night_live | And now a message from First Lady Michelle Obama. Thanks. In the past few weeks, I've made several television appearances in an effort to bring attention to my campaign against childhood obesity. from Jay Leno to Icarly, I've tried to teach kids and parents about fitness in a fun and entertaining way. but the work is not done. fitness starts with the family, which is why tonight I am proud to announce my new media campaign, an educational yet laugh-filled half-hour comedy starring my family. I hope you'll enjoy. The Obama show is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Mr. Speaker, distinguished guests and fellow Americans, I hereby approve this hoagie for seating. But first, some amendments. I'm going to add a little salami to the hoagie. Thwomp! we're going to put a pickle in the hoagie. Thwack! And we're going to put a handful of chips on the hoagie to make the hoagie crunchy in the mouth when the mouth chews the hoagie. I also hereby veto the rice cakes that Michelle said were healthier than the hoagie. Here we go.
Hi, Barack. my meeting was canceled and she's home. My beautiful wife is home. Agent Connors, you were supposed to tell me when my wife was on the way.
Barack Obama, is that a hoagie? foods like that lead to obesity. And you know you ought to never, never, never, never, never eat them.
I know. I just found it here. I think one of the children must have made it.
Hey, Barack, Michelle. Hey, before you say no, there's a new dance club that my friend cockroach and I just want to go to. Joe, Joe, Joe. I need you to sit down, young man.
Oh, okay. yeah, sure. whatever. sit down. All right. Now, how many times have I told you not to leave the hoagies laying around and now you're here and you need to take your hoagie if you want to go to the dance club because it's your hoagie. All right. Yeah, this is my hoagie. I made it right when you said I could borrow the car tonight. All right.
Barack, have a rice cake, baby. they're good for you. here they are. I'll eat the one off the floor. I tell you. what's good for me is having a rice cake with such a beautiful woman.
The Obama Show, Thursday nights at 8 P.m. and tune in next week when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's up spot. You know the night time Now.
Party Day. here's the right time. Party Day. to be. Party Day. with the one you love Now. Party Day. say your song, Party Day. Party Day. |
TheOnion | Has_The_U_S_Men_s_Soccer_Team_Earned_The_Right_To_Watch_The_World_Cup | What's wet, sweaty, and stickier than glue? It's the morning sweat and it's here for you.
Today we're talking the World Cup. And a question I've been getting from a lot of casual soccer fans, did the U.S. men's team earn the right to watch this year's tournament? Unfortunately, no. In case you missed the qualifiers, the U.S. team just didn't play well enough this time around to be able to enjoy this year's World Cup Final on TV in the comfort of their own homes. The U.S. men's team has watched every World Cup Final since the tournament started, so their absence from the viewing public will be felt pretty strongly. But that's what happens when you lose to Trinidad and Tobago in the final qualifying game. Okay, maybe. Maybe they have what it takes to watch a couple of group matches, but to watch a Final Four? No way. Look, it pains me to say this as a fan, but this year's team just doesn't deserve it. If you want to watch the World Cup, you need dedication. I don't think the U.S. team could handle the pressure of showing up at 11 a.m. to a bar or finding a streaming service on their laptop first thing in the morning, and that's a skill you need when you're watching the World Cup. And based on how they played, I frankly don't even think they want to watch this year's games. But hey, maybe it'll be good for them. They'll have a few years off to practice, and then hopefully they'll bounce back and be able to watch the 2022 games in Qatar. |
SaturdayNightLive | great_moments_in_corporate_history_saturday_night_live | This is a great day for Warner Lambert Pharmaceutical. this merger with American Home Products will make it possible for two very powerful and respected companies to work together as the single largest and most influential drug supplier worldwide. Now, when the executives from American Home Products arrive, I'd like all of you to join me in welcoming them. the people from American Home Products are here, sir.
Oh, wonderful. Okay, send them in, Mrs. Sherry. gentlemen, if you would. Carl, how are you? Ladies and gentlemen, please have a seat. make yourself comfortable.
I'm Samuel Kernan, and I'm the acting Chairman of Warner Lambert, and I think I speak for all of us when I say welcome. Let me just quickly introduce my team here. to my right is Henry Schimmel, our chief Executive. and to his right, Lawrence Marble. he runs our marketing.
And he's next to Matthew Lumpkin. Hank Drummond.
Trent Baker. Parker Winslow heads up our European team.
Rip Gelter works in Pr with Leila Casey and Kent Landkum. Burt Traber.
Fred Curl. Meyer D'angelo down there. Fred Shapers.
Deborah Hilson. Quan Pack.
Cameron Longet. Richard Kyle. Tanner Groat. Phil Wilder.
Kevin Mctopper. Kevin Mctottle.
Vance O'grady. Marabou Pollin. Robert Yeltenbush. Horace Beerus.
Wayne Forrest. and Kevin Warner. And that rounds out the Warner-lambert team. Brett Holcomb couldn't make it. there's an illness in his family.
What's my pleasure, gentlemen? I'm Carl Steer. I'm the President of American Home Products, and I'd rather not put my memory to the test. I'd just like to allow my staff to introduce themselves. So, Frank, if you wouldn't mind starting off. sure. Frank Liskum, Executive in charge of Sales. pleasure to meet you.
Bill Dunleavy. Cyril Barkley. Andy Whelan, Marketing. Winston Laforge.
Jennifer Jensen. I mean, Jennifer Johnson.
What was that? I slipped up. you what? I just got tripped up.
No. no, I don't like the way this feels. the merger's off. if anybody wants to know why, they can ask. Stutterpuss down there, Okay? good day. you've been watching great moments in corporate history. See you next time. |
cracked | erin_brockovich_vs_black_swan_showdown_staff_picks | My brother always had, like, a bootleg guy he would call up and would come with, like, a folder of DVDs. And these guys would come to you. It's as close to, you know, streaming on Netflix as we have. My brother would be like, yo, you got any comedies? And the guy's like, oh, yeah, and he's flipped it through. Again, this is your algorithm, because this guy knows what you bought from him already.
And he's like, hey, man, you're not going to like, you didn't like that one last week? You're not going to like this.
Today, we are going to be picking out drama that are going to be up for consideration in our video store. And now on to the picks. Millie, you're up first. What have you got for us today?
So this was really, really hard, because I love drama. When I think of drama, this drama is the most drama to have drama'd.
I feel like I'm in She's All That. Descending Down the Stairs, okay. Dances with Wolves, like I know that these are all considered really good dramas. I just haven't seen them.
Driving Miss Daisy, no, thank you.
Oh, you know what? This is solid, solid drama. We're talking Erin Brockovich. Hello. There we go. That's a drama, high stakes, high emotional reward.
The drama goes back to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, if you know, you know, because that guy, to jail for fraud, we love a white woman who's a single mom who works all these jobs, trying to make it. I'm trying real hard not to sing the Reba theme right now. Exactly. We're thinking Reba, another strong, red-headed white woman. Single mom who loves her kids. Sorry. It was just the anthem for a bunch of people who were like, we can do good in the way that we show up. Entertaining and inspiring, a set of People Magazine on the back of this cover.
And I'm just going to say it, they're right. They're right.
Speaking of drama, Connor, what do you got? Okay. Oh, it's alphabetized by title. That's helpful. I have a thing in my mind now. It's a possible pick.
This is a laser disc. Oh my God. Of the drama, the David Mamet drama, Glengarry Glen Ross. Gene Shalit for the Today Show said, This movie is a school shot. I'm reformatant brilliant. Based on a play by David Mamet, the movie is different. You might've seen the Alec Baldwin monologue where he writes ABC on the thing, always be closing. We probably wouldn't have the boss baby if it weren't for this movie. Wow. Because basically everything about that character and casting Alec Baldwin pretty much is modeled off of this scene. So it's a bunch of grown adult male babies. Kind of. It's a Mamet. Yeah.
All the men are stunted in Mamet stuff. Also, you know, you got sad sack Jack Lemmon. He just can't make sales.
You wouldn't have the character Gill on the Simpsons without that character really. And moving on, Danielle.
My big dramatic pick. It is quite dramatic. I guess my theme for this is just going to be sexy, weird lesbian dramas. Oh wow. That is cool. Ooh, here we go. All my dramas are just going to be gay, gay, gay. I went with Black Swan.
Darren Aronofsky, originally the companion to the wrestler. It is about someone who is trying so hard to get this role and perfect this role that she winds up cracking and it breaks her brain a little bit. It is very like dark and weird. And again, along with the wrestler, the ideas of what happens when you push your body and your mind to be able to achieve a version of perfection. And when is it time to finally start letting that go? Plus, yeah, just super wild lesbianism.
I wish they would have made the version where it was both movies in one, but I have watched it as a double feature and it is fantastic. Which one do you watch first? I watch this and then I end with the wrestler.
That's intense. Four hours.
These are not chill movies. No, these are not chill movies. These are not.
But at least with the wrestler, it ends with wrestling, which is a thing that I like. In terms of designing a double feature, which I think is a fun game to do with some of these movies, if I were to pair Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross with something, that I would pair it with Steel Magnolias. Another film based on a play that is sort of the female flip side to this. Tonally, thematically. I feel like I would do a double feature with the documentary about how the man, Tom Girardi, has actually defrauded most of the people from these lawsuits to enrich himself and his wife.
Wait, is this Albert Finney? Yes, yes, Albert Finney's character.
Exactly, that's why you gotta watch the documentary. So do it, because as soon as you think there's a good man, the world laughs in your face. Okay.
And with that, let's see what this man chose. What did this man choose?
There's a lot of things I've never heard of. What is hot money? I'm gonna take way too long in this section, and then I'm gonna rush through everything else. You know what?
This could be action or drama. One of probably my 10 favorite movies of all time. I brought Craftsman Tiger, Hidden Dragon. A movie up against Erin Brockovich at the 2000 Academy Awards. They were both up for best picture. It is one of the best martial arts films ever, but it is also a very sensitive drama that is, it's basically a Jane Austen adaptation, except people have swords.
It's about very repressed, uptight people, who really have a lot of feelings that they don't know how to express, and spend a lot of time looking at each other in the rain. There can be no love in their lives, but they contain so much love, and it's sad, and they also do backflips.
Look, it's an Ang Lee movie. It's the guy who made the ice storm and broke back mountain. The guy knows drama. I realize that it is technically an action movie, kind of like how Black Swan is also technically a horror movie, but they can be dramas as well. It's funny, I literally just rewatched that on the plane, and I hadn't seen it in a while, Crouching Tiger, and it holds up. Real good. What's sticking up to me is it's not the drama of it, it's all the beautiful shots and the martial arts of it.
Okay, may I just do something right now that might seem like a wild move? I would like to remove this from contention. Okay. And put my weight behind Erin Brockovich. Okay, here we go. Can I do something that might be considered equally wild? Yes. Before you remove it from contention, can I remove it from contention? Connor, do you hate my pick then? No, I like it. I just tend to associate it with other genres in a way that I feel like it doesn't really have a fighting chance. I think the merciful thing would be to bow out. I agree. Yeah, I just felt like doing a wild, dramatic move, because this section is about the drama.
What I really like about Erin Brockovich is it is a straight down the middle, inspiring, true story. We're gonna get this beloved actress her Oscar, finally.
But it's also made by this weird indie filmmaker, so it still has these idiosyncrasies to it. It doesn't feel as shiny and polished as it could. Yeah, it's not like the blind side. Even though it has some of the same beats, it still feels like real human beings in all that shit. It does.
Does that come out the same year as Traffic? Oh, Connor, one of the wildest Oscar moves ever is Steven Soderbergh made Erin Brockovich and Traffic in the same year, was nominated twice for Best Director in the same category.
He was two of the five nominees and he still won. He won for Traffic. Right.
I think Erin Brockovich is better. I think that Traffic is the less conventional at the time of the two movies. I think one of the strengths of Erin Brockovich is that it's such a good conventional movie. Like it doesn't feel predictable even if it follows a path that is a familiar path.
There's a really good deleted scene that you can find on- You and your deleted scenes. Wait, is it on like the special edition DVD, the 4K? You won't find it on this whole thing. You won't find it on the VHS. Will it be on the laser disc, widescreen edition? It's on the DVD, but you can find it on YouTube. It's pretty short. Oh, on YouTube, where people go and see this shit. Yeah, it's only on YouTube because people ripped it from the DVD.
Hashtag we love bootleggers.
Yeah, Julia Roberts walking to the door. She's carrying these boxes. Everyone's looking at her. All the women in the office are all like staring at her, having trouble opening the door. And then she kind of drops. And then she says, would one of you help me with the door?
What's the... I want to know what the bleeped out thing is. The C word. Oh.
But it's really sad. I didn't know if you could say that. I didn't think it would be too charming if I said it. But it's very charming.
Julia Roberts- Do you want to say it and I'll say the word for you? And she looks up and then she says, would one of you help me with the door? Okay. Really good teamwork.
It's so shocking to see America's sweetheart because she's shocking enough in the role and then it goes against her sort of onscreen persona. It's so funny to see the way, because she's doing both physical comedy and she's like so mad at everyone.
I understand why I didn't make it in the movie, but I like it. I got to see this. That sounds really good. Yeah. You also reminded me, is a fantastic example of one of my favorite subcategories of movies. Documents movies.
Movies about, we're talking like- Zodiac. Zodiac.
Spotlight.
You know what I'm talking about. Exactly. People going through boxes of files and like montages of people looking at papers and finding like, ooh, like, you know, the records from 30 years ago. Wow, we could not be more different. That's the shit I hated about Spotlight and Spotlight. I'm like, I don't want to watch someone do paperwork. Oh my God. I love it. Well, there's a lot of paperwork in Erin Brock. Exactly. This is one of the best documents movies.
She's cool, she's dressing cool. The boyfriend's out of Harley.
You know, it's like messy. You love it despite the documents. And I will say again, since we're championing for other people's picks, love Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
Think this would have been great for action. It would.
And you know, because of this, I feel like that's why Michelle Yeoh has her Oscar. And Black Swan, I remember watching it in college. One of her teachers, which is so fucked up, one of her teachers is like, you need to go home and touch yourself. I watched this in a packed movie theater. It was that scene of Natalie Portman masturbating. And the theater's dead silent, except an old man who says, well at least she's doing her homework. And that is my formative memory of Black Swan.
Wow, you're taking yourself at the game.
Yeah, because I like Erin Brockovich a lot. Yeah, Erin Brockovich is really good.
And now that you've said at least she's doing her homework, I'm never not gonna be able to watch this movie and not hear that. So that has been tainted forever. Wow, the most drama to have ever dramaed Julia Roberts is Erin Brockovich.
I literally 100% wanna now go back and watch those Real Housewives scene. Like, I feel like I only have half the movie now. This is the most I've ever been actually like tempted to watch Real Housewives. I'll make the case for Real Housewives in general, because if you enjoy wrestling and storylines, that is it.
While there's a tremendous amount of drama in Glengarry Gun Ross, once it's over, the drama ends. Whereas the drama apparently never stops. Yeah, they were just getting warmed up. Yeah, you can leave the fictional recreation and then seek out the real life drama of which there are apparently countless victims.
And I'm glad that this is going in your video store so that people can look up, wow, who's this really heartless lawyer? I think there should be a sticker on it in the store that directs people, because if you just rent the movie, you're not gonna know all this.
But there needs to be a little commentary. Yeah. A commentary? Yeah, just on a piece of paper. You can write it, you know what I mean? But at that point, then we can just do a bootleg of me watching the thing and have my audio over it. And so, yeah, during all the scenes of them looking at documents, you can talk over it and tell them about what actually happened on the Real Housewives.
Blah, blah, blah. This guy's a scammer.
Tocuments.
This movie has such an amazing cast that Jonathan Pryce didn't even make the poster. Wow. Alan Arkin didn't make the poster.
From this angle, I'm like, is that Antonio Banderas? But no, it's Alec Baldwin who famously married a woman who pretends she's Spanish. Banderas did? Alec Baldwin.
Oh. See, this is where we overlap. You guys know all the deep cuts. I know all the current drama of all these dumb actors. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Gold_Coast_Goes_Quiet_Scotty_Asks_A_Big_Favour_Some_Bad_Travel_News_More_March_18 | How are you Effie? Yeah, good. How are you Clancy? Not too bad. Doing alright.
The bad weather seems to have stopped on the East Coast and now we're talking about cleanups. What about you, Errol? Errol Parker, editor-at-large.
Yeah, it's good to be here Clancy, yes, filling in for Wendell Hussey who is having some adult driving lessons today. Yeah, he's a 31-year-old man, doesn't know how to drive a car yet. He's got a few things he's got to work out in his life. But he's got to put the horse before the cart for once and get his driver's license first. So at least he's able to ferry himself around town. It is quite shameful. I'm not sure how he'd feel about it being broadcast out there. But it seems like he needs a bit of a fire lit up under his arse. And we hope that by giving him a day off to learn one of these fundamental life skills that he should have learnt at 17, we hope that maybe we can help him evolve into a fully formed adult.
What have we got in the news this week, Effie? Right, so the Gold Coast experiences a brief lull in pub fights as Bali opens up to international visitors again. Yes, this is some lighter news this one, the city of fake boobs and no-meaning tribal tats has experienced a lull in bar brawls this week, with locals citing that even the Star Casino has reportedly lit to zero fisticuffs. It's understood that news of the peace spread fast amongst the locals, allowing both noodle boys and gentle giants the chance to go out without fear of being attacked by fake bikies. Not to mention the young women who are enjoying the alternative universe of being able to hit the tiles without being eyebrowed by a wall of roid boys surrounding the dance floor. Though many people were left wondering where on earth all of these offenders had gone, the dots were quickly joined when it was discovered that Bali had recently opened up their international borders again. An announcement that drew so much traffic from the Gold Coast and Bondi, Jetstar was reportedly out of action for several hours due to multiple crashes of the site. Glad it's the site crashing and not their airbuses Clancy. Who knows mate, who knows, those planes have been grounded for a fair while now so I hope they've been oiled up and ready to go again.
And for some climate change news now, Prime Minister Scotty has asked God for at least ten days heads up on all natural disasters, and some good lighting too while he's at it. With the fallout continuing from the Prime Minister's bungled flood recovery in the Northern Rivers, the Morrison Government is working tirelessly to get in front of any other scandals that may arise before the federal election. Scotty from Marketing's impressive forward thinking was also on display at the Cronulla Hillsong Church earlier this week, as the PM began formulating a new and improved disaster response program by having a frank and honest discussion with God. The PM was overheard having the following one-sided conversation at the top of his lungs. So, God, or Jesus, however this works, this is what I need from you, said the Prime Minister.
I can't have you springing these natural disasters on me when I already have plans. These pagan scientists are trying to tell me it's climate change but I know it's you. So I'm going to need ten days warning just in case me and Jenny have a holiday booked or something. And while you're at it I'm going to need some good natural light when I roll through. Some of those photos coming out of Lismore are atrocious.
And up next we've got some bad news for hopeful travellers and some of the boggins coming back from Bali perhaps, after it was revealed that the new Qantas in flight menu launch has hit a snag as Neil Perry's iconic ponytail gets stuck in the door of an A380 airbus. Yep for those of you who can afford to fly in the front of the plane and not eat food that was prepared in 2019 then snap frozen only to be reheated 14 years later at 40,000 feet, the launch of fabled Sydney chef Neil Perry's new in-flight menu on Qantas was met with medium to large fanfare this week. However the event was marred by an unfortunate incident where Perry's iconic ponytail got snagged in the door. There were chaotic scenes as members of the media who were invited to the launch, including a reporter from The Advocate, were arched away into premium economy and put behind the grey curtain. Yes it took quite a few crew and technicians nearly an hour to free Neil, while the airline's boss Alan Joyce looked on with concern. Unfortunately while the famous chef was able to leave the cabin safely, his ponytail was not.
This is a developing story. And lifestyle news now, and move over wordle, millions of Australians are reportedly obsessed with this new dinner party game, where the first person to mention property gets flogged into unconsciousness with a telescopic baton. It's an exciting new trend that is sweeping our cosmopolitan desert community at the moment and it's something everyone should try, says the game's inventor. Yes sick and tired of hearing his friends and family discuss the property market, local man Damian Pooley excused himself from a dinner party he was hosting the other night and went into the bedroom to retrieve a device he uses to defend his home. I put my telescopic baton down on the table next to the potato salad, he said, and told everyone that the next person to mention property or real estate or anything like that were going to get a crisp smack in the forehead with the telescopic baton and left to sleep it off underneath the table while the rest of us got on with socialising. Sounds like it's far more entertaining than King's Cup, although I'm still partial to a bit of rocket fuel.
Anyway that's it from us this week, thanks for tuning in to The Batooda Advocate's Weekly Bulletin. Hooroo! Ciao! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_molly_kearney_on_anti_lgbtq_bills_in_the_united_states_snl | Since the start of this year, over 400 anti- . since the start of this year, over 400 anti-lgbtq bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth. Here to talk about it is someone with their own introduction. introducing Snl's first non-binary cast member, it's Molly Carney!
Beat it, thank you, Mr. Che.
Molly, what is all this? Well, as you know, I've been wanting to come to update and talk about trans people, but I have for a much longer time than that wanted to fly down from the ceiling. And did it live up to your expectations?
Yeah, but I'm not gonna lie, this harness is pretty tight and my groin area is beefed! I've been hung up on my genitals for far too long and I'm starting to feel like a frickin'' republican lawmaker.
Hello!
That's an awesome transition, So as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting healthcare for trans kids. listen to that, Michael. restricting healthcare for kids. For some reason, there's something about the word trans that makes people forget the word kids. if you don't care about trans kids' lives, it means you don't care about frickin' kids' lives.
Wow, Molly, I can tell you really upset about that. I am! And also, my legs are going numb and I might pass out!
Molly, how long were you hanging up there? Longer than I would have liked.
I tried to call down but no one could hear me.
You know, at one point, I heard a crew guy say, is she gonna die up there? And then another guy was like, you mean, are they going to die up there?
And then they both walked away and didn't help!
Which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now. But don't worry, we have a code word for emergencies and it was Trans Rights. Oh my gosh! good golly! that was the code for confetti! My bad, bud. that was so loud. Well, yeah, people need to wake up. we are making trans kids grow up too fast. we should be keeping them safe and we need to lift them up.
Oh, not me, them! I mean the kids! they got my pronouns! What's happening, kids, is wrong.
And you don't need to be scared. our job is to protect you and your job is to focus on being a kid. it's kind of like me flying in the Snl sky. there's a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling what and where you're allowed to be. But if you just hang on, you'll look up and realize, you're flying, kid!
Hey, Mr. J, am I still in the frame? I mean, your feet are. Trans? Wrong! I'm just, goodnight. own introduction.
Introducing Snl's first non-binary cast member, it's Molly Jarny!
Made it! Thank you, Mr. J!
Molly, what is all this? Well, as you know, I've been wanting to come to update and talk about trans people, but I have for a much longer time than that.
Wanted to fly down from the ceiling. And did it live up to your expectations?
Yeah, but I'm not gonna lie, this harness is pretty tight and my groin area is beefed! I've been hung up on my genitals for far too long and I'm starting to feel like a frickin'' republican lawmaker.
Hello!
That's an awesome transition, So as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting healthcare for trans kids. Listen to that, Michael. Yeah. restricting healthcare for kids. For some reason, there's something about the word trans that makes people forget the word kids. if you don't care about trans kids' lives, it means you don't care about frickin'' kids' lives.
Wow. I can, uh. I can tell you really upset about that. I am!
And also, my legs are going numb and I might pass out! How long were you hanging up there? longer than I would have liked. uh, I tried to call down, but no one could hear me. You know, at one point, I heard a crew guy say, is she gonna die up there? and then another guy was like, you mean, are they going to die up there? and then they both.
Which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now. But don't worry, we have a code word for emergencies and it was Trans rights.
Oh, my God! that was the code for confetti! My bad, bud. that was so loud.
Well, yeah, people need to wake up. we are making trans kids grow up too fast. we should be keeping them safe, and we need to lift them up. Well, not me, them! I mean, the kids! Hey, they got my pronouns! what's happening, kids, is wrong, and you don't need to be scared. our job is to protect you, and your job is to focus on being a kid. it's kind of like me flying in the Snl sky. there's a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling what and where you're allowed to be.
But if you just hang on, you'll look up and realize, you're flying, kid! Hey! hey, Mr. J, am I still in the frame? I mean, your feet are.
Trans Rights! I'm Colin Jost.
Good night. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tracy_morgan_is_the_other_black_guy_saturday_night_live | And now folks with a special commentary is our very own Tracy Morgan. Hi, Chris, thank you Norm and hello America. my name is Tracy Morgan or as most of you may know me as the other Black Guy. I've been with Saturday Night Live now for 23 shows, but sometimes I still don't even get recognized in my own neighborhood. That's all right, because I'm the other Black guy and I'm just letting you know I'm here Now You might want to get out a pen and a piece of paper and write my name down. It's Capital T. R A C Y M Oh R G A N Tracy Morgan.
I have a reoccurring character. Here's me in my big scene with Sylvester Stallone. All there's me with Kevin Spacey. he was cool to work with. Oh big treat. he would Tom Hanks. that's my man. Oh man, I'm very proud of that character, man. I call him the guy who smiles real big at the good nights it's been in all 23 shows. |
TheOnion | iraqis_somehow_manage_to_screw_up_functional_democracy_u_s_left_them_with | A prison rights group protests the treatment of super villains in the nation's magnetic detainment cubes. A local dad thought he could make it out of a zoo without buying his kid's light up shit, and a pigeon wishes just once it could complete a head movement smoothly. Stripped down to its essential ingredients to provide as clean a high as possible, this is the Onion Week in Review. This week, sources confirm that Iraqis have somehow managed to screw up the stable, completely functional democracy the US left them with back in 2011, despite having been provided with strong leadership and a highly trained police force capable of responsibly keeping the region safe, Iraq's citizens reportedly dropped the ball entirely on what experts note really should have been a walk in the park. Millions of frustrated Americans across the country asked this week why the nation's struggling mental health system couldn't just get it together and stop feeling sorry for itself. Exasperated citizens told reporters that they had lost all patience with the ailing network's failure to perform basic tasks such as routine mental health evaluations and emergency counseling. A new report released this week by the Department of Health and Human Services found that the typical man is on average 4,000% less capable in a fight than they predicted.
The trick is to just keep your fists real tight and punch with your knuckles if you really want to fuck somebody up. I mean, you hope it doesn't come to the point where you have to grab a bar stool and smash it over somebody's head, but if he's being a real dick and you need to draw a little blood, you don't really have a choice. And in this week's local news, the Coast Guard plans to let a stranded yacht owner sweat it out a little more. In other news, a new study finds that more men are opting to be in the room when their wife conceives their baby, an area man is unaware all of his friends think of him when they want to put things into perspective, and three dozen chemical and emotional responses are activated by the phrase pigs in a blanket. Thank God I have crafted this review for the past six days, but as I have no obligation to perform his holy duties, I will take no rest. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_easter_cold_open_snl | Easter, the celebration of the Resurrected Christ. the bible tells us Jesus traveled to Jerusalem for Passover, where his radical message of peace and love enraged the authorities. in the coming days, he will be arrested, tried, and executed. this, he tells his disciples, on their final evening together, a meal we will come to call the Last Supper. my friends, and Judas, hear me now, for soon I will leave you and join my father in heaven. We cannot lose you, Jesus. we will protect you. they will never find you, Jesus. alas, one of you will betray me. No, no. What? What? it is foretold, and though I have committed no crime, I will be arrested, tried, and found guilty. sound familiar? Thank you so much. A famous, wonderful man arrested for no reason at all. If you haven't put it together, folks, I'm comparing myself to Jesus again. And what better time than on his birthday, Easter? as we speak, I am being persecuted on a level the likes of which the world has never seen. even worse, even worse than the late Great Jesus. You know, many people are saying, we're very similar. we're both very tall, very popular, and both, frankly, white Americans.
You know, Jesus did some incredible things. some would call them miracles in terms of fish and with regard to bread. A lot of fish and bread, you know. he rose from the dead on the third day.
I would have done it faster, possibly two days. possibly two days. I think we could have done it a lot faster. he had a good mind for business, water into wine, pure profit.
And he had big, big rallies just like me, and a lot of his followers got in big, big trouble, just like mine. all because I told them Exactly what Jesus would have said, get very violent and start a war. And I've even got my very own Judas, Ron Desantis. Ron Desantis came to me, tears in his eyes. he said, help me, Mr. Trump. I'm going to lose my election. So I very generously pretended to like him. And then he did a Judas.
And now he can't even get the gays out of Disney World. it's an awful show. Look at these guys back here, huh? they just have to sit here frozen while I talk. can you believe that?
Mr. Jesus, quite a guy. But now people are saying perhaps I'm even better than Jesus because I'm a self-made billionaire and Christ was, let's call it what it is, a Nepo baby, Okay? I mean, his dad was God. it's pretty easy to start a religion when your dad is God. he did Good Friday.
I said, why not make it great? we can make it great. with me, we'll be doing Great Friday, perhaps even Tgi Fridays with the stuff on the walls and everything. But we love Easter. we love hiding the egg, don't we folks? we love hiding the little eggs. you know, I have many beautiful eggs from my time at the White House, and now the Department of Justice is saying, where are the eggs? we need the eggs back. But I hid them. they're my eggs. they're my eggs to take, Okay? So tomorrow I will eat my Easter hamburger with my family, or hopefully not. and then after that, they will come for me, lock me away, because just like Jesus, all I did was be friendly to a sex worker, and now they want to put me in jail.
Just awful.
But who knows, folks, maybe prison will make me even more popular, Like that guy back there, Jesus of Azkaban, that guy. Jesus of Azkaban, he's called.
And that is the story of Easter. Happy Birthday, Jesus. look at the fingers. stuck doing the fingers the whole time. weird choice with the fingers. look at Jesus. so happy Hanukkah to all the passovers, and all the Ramadan's do. we love to say Ramadan, that's funny. but mostly Happy Easter, because we like Jesus, right? still frozen with the little hand. they're not even going to get to say the big line. maybe if you break a big political character, you can say the big line. I'm going to do it by myself right now. So Happy Easter, and live from New York, It's Saturday night. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_121_NRL_s_Pacific_Islander_Revolution_with_Patrick_Skene | Good mate, it's a beautiful day outside, beautiful day inside. Hoping everyone's looking after themselves, particularly down there in South Brisbane.
We should avoid the bubble tea for now, I think, Acacia Ridge, Woodridge, we're thinking about you. Lock it down, lock it down, we don't want another Victoria up here.
Speaking of Victorians, up here, the Melbourne Storm are, Melbourne Storm are up here, they're the Sunshine Coast Storm, they're doing alright. That's probably what's saving the Queensland sides right now from being excluded from this comp with the new border closure. You could actually write off all Queensland clubs right now, you could cut the fat and continue the season without them except for the fact that the Storm are isolating in Queensland so that means the show will go on. And for the first time in years, I think that Cameron Smith is able to commute from his home up here in Brisbane.
Yeah, yeah and he might continue doing that if the rumours are true for his final season. One can only hope.
Now, on the topic of league, you know, of course the NRL season is heating up, just had Indigenous Round and that was a great success. Good to see the Dragons get flogged again. Yeah, and it's great to see, you know, all the try scorers for the Bunnies were, Koori footballers. It was a great round and some great jerseys getting out there, some great dance and, you know, a celebration of Indigenous culture but this week on the podcast, we're going to be talking about another community that's contributed quite a lot to Rugby League and Rugby Union for that matter but in this particular story, we're talking about the Pacific Revolution in Rugby League and we're joined by Patrick Skeene who is the biographer of Olsen Filipina who was, I guess, one of the first Usos to do it.
Patrick, thank you for joining us today. A pleasure, gentlemen. Wonderful to be on the Batuta.
Now, can you tell us a little bit about this story? I mean, you have written and told the world a story that a lot of people would have known about in Balmain and Ryde and that part of Sydney but there's a lot more to this story. Olsen Filipina was one of the first Kiwis to come across the ditch. He was one of the first.
There had been traditionally forwards had come across, Henry Tartanha, Oscar Danielson, there'd been some Pacific outliers before then, there was the Toga brothers who were Fijians but the Winfield Cup era, and let's round that up to 1980s onwards when League got serious and the televised era where you could start to watch it in New Zealand. It's funny, the Kiwis used to have to go down to the video store on a Thursday to get the previous weekend's games and rent it out and they would watch them furiously. Such is the rugby union domination of New Zealand that the League fans would have to watch videos. And pre-internet as well. So you really had to, and Rugby League weeks would cost you $15 back in the day which is $30 or $40 now.
And New Zealand was always just a colony, the provinces of Australia, I can't say any of us would have known, a Fox Memorial Cup team. Yet it was huge in New Zealand, they used to get crowds, 7 or 8,000 on big days. We've had this bubbling colony off the coast that we gave no respect to. We acknowledged some hard forwards that could come in and that's all we acknowledged because there was this terrifying period of International Rugby League between 71 and 83 when New Zealand effectively lost 14 in a row and it was a bit like the All Blacks and the Wallabies. In reverse, and look at the power differential now, New Zealand's calling the shots, well Australia did that in Rugby League.
The first big time there was Lloyd Martin who was a Maori and there was the Sorensen brothers, half Danish, half Tongan. What a potent mix, the Vikings of the Pacific and the Vikings of the Atlantic. There was lots of Danes there, I mean of course the great leader of Queensland, Sergio Bianchi-Petersen, he was half Danish, half Kiwi. So, Olsen Filipina was a Maori Samoan, born and raised in South Auckland, not born but raised in South Auckland in one of those 10 suburbs where Rugby League is dominant. He was born, funnily enough, in another Rugby League heartland which is Northland.
And Northland are the Nappui people, the Nappui people are a really incredible group of people in history. They brought the British Army to its knees in the Northern Moors, thrashed them convincingly through strategy in these unique forts where they invented trench warfare, they invented bunkers for bombs and the British brought in their cannons and gave them three days of pepper. And then humiliated them, there's still 114 Brits lying in the graves up there in Ohio. So he comes from this unbelievable fighting tribe, they're also great traders and they were the sweet potato farmers, so it's the sweet potato capital up north, that's where the climate's nice for sweet potato. Yam country. But he was brought up Nappui, so... I did read in the book you wrote, they were the first to sign the treaty and then they were the first to start killing people when the treaty was broken. Yeah, they are not a group you mess with and they were the first to get muskets and they went down south and ran amok and they were feared right throughout the North Island.
And they decided to make the move to Auckland, that's where the money was. I've been up there to Olsen's Marae, his temple as such, and it's unbelievably beautiful country and he's been reconnecting because when they got down to Auckland they basically had their Maori history scrubbed. Because the Nappui are branded as headhunters and cannibals and all the negatives are in that sort of inter-Maori sledging, that's the one they cop for their sins. So he was scrubbed of that, so I went back with Olsen and we met the leading Nappui storyteller and we had four hours on the couch where he just gave them the whole stories and it was a very emotional time for Olsen. And he's learning, but his father came across when he was 10 years old on a scholarship from Samoa, stayed for two years of school in Auckland and just headed up north. There used to be itinerant Samoan gangs that did brush cutting and fencing that would move around. Timberloppers. Kauri gum, which is used to make floor polish, they used to dig these Kauri gum blocks. And he met his mother up there on one of these gangs and he learnt Maori. So he used to be able to talk to his Samoan father and he used to box in his spare time once he got to 18 for cash as well. And they met up there, had a couple of sons and then they came down and the story of coming did to Auckland and the big capital cities is one of the big stories of New Zealand's history where in poverty out on the Marae they decided to come in to the cities and realised that the real money was reserved for people that had university educations and got caught in the trap of just being considered good for menial labour.
And you combine that with the other great phenomena, which is the importation of Samoan and Tong and other Polynesian labour to do all that factory work. Once the New Zealanders hit the middle class, they didn't want to do the road work and clean the toilets. So they brought in, it's the classic story of bringing a group in when there's an oversupply of work and then turning on them once the work dries up and you see the last in tend to cop at the most. So those two shaping forces and Olsen has both those historic pieces of history and his DNA. So he's formed by both of those. But it all lands and the story all starts with South Auckland, which was a suburb that was designed to house these blue collar workers. One thing I've learnt in my research is if you lose identity and culture, it's a very, very dangerous thing. And it creates a vacuum that other things can walk into. And a lot of those Samoans that came down and Maori that came down, disconnected from their Maori and Samoan culture weren't picked up or made to feel welcome by the new culture and got caught in that dangerous no man's land.
One thing that Rugby League and it has done in Australia too, provides people in those kind of positions is, even if it's a makeshift community that you can put together, and I guess that was what was happening in Mungaree East, the club that Olsen became a bit of an icon at, even as a teenager, he became a household name across that area. Is that where Rugby League kind of fit into the picture? Or was that something that was just always going to happen anyway? Rugby League because of its family positioning has been perfect for the Polynesian community because it's a community that is all about the extended family, the wealth is shared. So trade unions, Rugby League were very powerful offerings. And they were, Rugby League was often the first thing that a Samoan community member had voluntarily joined.
You know, you join the school, whatever, but you still may not be feeling New Zealand. And then you get to volunteer and work the canteen and the things that have made Australia great worked out there. I was told by a few guys that it was the only place outside church that they didn't have Samoan community centres there. The Rugby League Clubhouse was the only place they could pull out the guitar and be themselves. And you're always grateful to wherever you can show your personality and you're not cramped and trying to be something else.
And then after a game, because it was the sport of the breweries, the warehouses, the wharves, the meat works. And when the Maori came in, they were working alongside the white working class and Rugby League was the sport of the white working class, almost exclusively, there's no middle-class real representation in New Zealand until the Warriors came on and the NRL showtime, first pro sport, pro team in New Zealand and was quite a glamorous launch. They launched into the middle class then, but back then it was just hard working class, humble, quiet men.
And the Pacific are a very good match up for that. They became best mates because they're working next to each other. And it's like, hey, I can do with 115 kilo prop on my team as well. And it was a natural fit for everyone.
So how much, just for the listeners at home, how much could a player in South Auckland expect to earn each game? Some players, it was all for a case of beer. Some players, if you were poached, you might get 50 bucks a win, 100 a win. I remember there's a story in the book about the Auckland rep team who completed the grand slam in 1977 of defeating Australia, England and France for provincial in consecutive weeks. And at half time against the Aussies, the sponsor came down and said there's 500 bucks in it for you guys if you can hold on for the second half. And they reckon it was an amount of money that made the 15 guys go giddy. And they were running around like they were seized with fever for the second half to hold the Aussies out.
Can you tell us a little bit about the Mad Butcher? Like this is an identity, he's a household name in New Zealand. Australians don't know about this man, but he's basically the Russell Crowe or the Nick Politis of New Zealand when it comes to propping up and, you know, rugby league. Contributions to rugby league. It's the Mad Butcher, aka Sir Peter Leach, is a rugby league story, the essence of rugby league. He was a grave digger from Wellington, left school at 15, came up to Auckland, decided to get into the meat business, opened his very first butcher shop in Mungarees in the heart of Pacific South Auckland, just by coincidence.
Starts paying, sees Olsen as a star for the Mungarees youth and starts paying for all his boots, his gear, his travel for reps, just becoming a personal sponsor for Olsen from a very young age. So when the time came, when rugby union came knocking for Olsen, because Olsen played, was the captain of the New Zealand Secondary School Boys Rugby League at 16 and was also in the New Zealand Rugby Union All-Stars School Boys Team at 16. So he was tip for all blacks? Oh, and Joe Stanley, who played alongside him, said absolutely, no doubt, Olsen was... His high school, Ota Hoo College, came down and said, you've got to make the choice.
And because the mad butcher had been supplying meat for the Filipina family functions, which are often 50 people in an extended family, all coming down to eat meat, a considerable line item on a Pacific family's woolies list, shopping list has been removed. And his father thought rugby union was a sport where only the white guys were making money, because there was that horrible era of shamaterism where they would treat rugby league guys like lepers for earning $100 for a win, yet they were getting money in their boots. That disgusting era of high hypocrisy that was ended in 1995. Again, rugby union spooked by rugby league, jumping at shadows of super league and professionalized. And I remember reading about some union guys that said, the moment we go professional, there's no need for rugby league now, you can just sort of filter back to the mothership.
And it hasn't really turned out. That's why I read with glee that piece where Vlandis may even take over union down here as punishment for their hubris. If the price is right, you know, Vlandis is in.
So Peter Leach as a mad butcher, who obviously kept a lot of young islanders in the game of rugby league, fell in love with the Mungarees team and then became the sponsor, eventually became a sponsor of the Warriors. And he's the patron of the game, patron of the Kiwis, sponsor of the Warriors. I think he ended up at about 70 or 80 stores in his butcher's chain and then sold out to venture capital. And he just lives on Waheke Island and comes in and he runs a newsletter for rugby league. And he turns up at all the games. And, you know, I turned up at a game at Balmain and there he was at the function, insists on going and sitting out with the Warriors fans. So he's and he's Sir, Sir Peter Leach now.
So he's had one of the great arcs. And there's this theme in Olsen's career where he gets handed from one person to another. And you feel that if there was one break in that chain, we wouldn't be telling this story now.
But he always had someone, a guardian angel looking out for him when he landed in Australia. He had the Dries family. So he effectively got a surrogate mother who took care of him in his dark hour. So it's it's amazing, this pipeline of love that he was he was passed down that enable him to to blossom to the greatness that we saw.
So it was Balmain is what picked him up over here. Yeah, Balmain Tigers, formerly known as.
Yeah, yeah. Coming over to Balmain, what other money would you expect to earn there as, you know, a top flight player in 1980? Fifteen thousand a year. It's good. That's good cheddar back there. Yeah, it was. That's that's what that's the equivalent of three Falcons back then. Thereabouts. Yeah, yeah. But he was on he was on good money.
And that was one of the problems was these imports were getting always getting more money. The age old story imports were getting more money than the local local guys would just assume they were rusted on.
Yeah, because there was still a chunk of loyalty then and to move from Balmain to an opposition club was tantamount to treason. And still, I mean, you see a bit of it now. But back then, where your identity was really tight and there were a lot of local boys playing still, the all the local regions were still strong. Even the roosters were had a strong little comp going on producing local juniors. So to move a club was was was a big thing back then.
Alston's peak contract was for the roosters. Thirty five thousand dollars, half a beat since signed him, but Cronulla offered him 18 grand a year. So from Balmain to Cronulla, he went from 15 grand a year to 18 grand and roosters came in with, you know, Super League money.
Yeah. Back then, a bit of a Hail Mary on the one year contract. And Alston's like, that's one year's work for two years pay. Yeah. So he's and he's just thinking of he sent every cent home. I remember Gary Freeman saying to me, I hope Alston's got more than one pair of shorts now. Yeah.
And, you know, we all had that one league friend that got around in one of those one pair of horrible league shorts for a whole whole summer. And they were versatile. You go to the beach in them, you know, go to a funeral in them if you really knew the guy. So in your book I wrote, I mean, the story of Alston Filippino is, you know, there's a story of of the Pacific Revolution of Rugby League effectively. And he was a pioneer of that. And he I guess he was one of the first.
But now we're talking how many how many young kids come over a year purely to play Rugby League? But there's hundreds because they get them at 14.
And you don't need a visa anymore. Like you can just come over here and work no worries.
It's it's also second tier guys get called in to plug some of the gaps in the Country Rugby League. Yeah. You start to see some Polynesian names coming in through Country Rep teams. Like, you know, what are you doing out in West Wyalong? And they just get, you know, we need a prop job with a butcher and that farmer will devote that paddocks yield to keep hurting farmers and shearers. One thing I noticed and you know, you guys would be across is going through the old Rugby League weeks. Just how massive Country Rugby League was.
Yeah. The money they were offering. So page after page of ads advertising for a captain coach in a place I'd never heard of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big ad with good with good money. So I really I really feel that, you know, if Flanders can do one more thing. Yeah.
Seriously fix Country Rugby League. Because they used to know they used to know where everyone was from, you know, like they I mean, de Bellin, his grandfather played for Balmain. And then the reason de Bellin grew up in the Southern Slopes is because his grandpa retired as captain coach of Cootamundra from a career in Balmain. And then the same with Dallas Donnelly retires as the captain coach of Byron Bay.
Like, yeah, it was good money. Henry Chantana, the original big time Maori, you know, spent his final years at the Cessnock Goannas. And Olsen had a year at Bowral in in a group six playing with, you know, first time he played with farmers. Shit, he would have hurt people down there. Some soft handed spuddies, Robertson spuddies. Yeah. Tell us a bit this whole time we're talking about Olsen in New South Wales and he's bouncing between clubs and he's, you know, he has had the same job since he arrived at the Galloping Garbo.
Couple of weeks in because in the old days you used to turn up at the Garbo's depot in the morning and they just pick you out. And sometimes you'd rock up and you wouldn't get work because you'd often have another job and guys would be doing it for extra or they were league fanatics, a lot of garbage depots. So they would pick the Leagies who were there for cash. Leagies love having everything done by eight guys who like a midday sleep because you've done your exercise in the morning. And then you'd be training at three or four in the afternoon. And they used to pick the Leagies.
So Olsen rocked up. It's interesting, Mungaree East Hawks, Olsen's South Auckland club, signed a sister club relationship with the right Eastwood Hawks. And they used to play each other every year. And, you know, that beautiful cross Tasman cooperation. And so when Olsen came here.
Only one club had pokies. Yes. Whoever had the pokies. That's a good friend to have. Well, you know, look at, we laugh, but the Panthers empire comes from a single administrative decision that Queensland and New Zealand can't use pokies to fund their rugby league empires. And even North in that little tin pot thing over at North would be a cash cow with the argument of. And the Taj Mahal at Carlton, I guess. You know, in another in another world, it's the BRL that has nine clubs.
And Sydney's busting to get one or two in and agitating. And it's Sydney launching Super League onto onto Red Hill.
Yeah. So he remains in that role. Yep. Yeah.
And people really love that because that's, we all yearn for parts of the eighties and we're glad we've moved on from from parts of the eighties. But one of the things I think we yearn for is that the guy who was a superstar on the field on a Sunday is back working as a storm and packer. And it comes with the inbuilt humility.
And you don't get guys. I mean, I don't blame guys now for sitting around playing PlayStation and just disconnecting from the world. Hanging out with bikies and shit like that. Well, if you weren't eight times what your father earned, it's very, very difficult to keep the humility. It just must blow. And you're not really trained in this stuff. And the girls are all over you. It's a it's a bubble. And that's why some guys, nothing sad that I washed up footy player or the stereotype of the washed up footy player still trying to cling on. And, you know, his posse getting smaller and smaller as his money gets smaller. You see it in boxing as well. Guys weren't trying to handle on the way in and certainly weren't trying to handle it on the on the way out.
And all you think your career is going to go forever. You just think you're bulletproof and ACL goes and you're you're you're back on the building sites.
And it's as that was a really sad part of the came out of the book from from Olson, all his money. And he would send home his money, every cent.
And because the Polynesians look at a rugby career like a like a like this seasonal work program. Bringing Polynesians into and Melanesians into in to pick bananas, they all know that wasn't going to last forever. And that money is treasured and sent home and shared. And it talks to this wider Polynesian, Samoan and Tongan cultural operating systems of Samoa and Uncle Fakatonga, which I had no idea about. But they're 3500 years old systems of if you don't share everything, every single visible thing across the poor family members, you're an outcast.
Yeah.
And they're always saying everyone's going to have their season of abundance and that's why it flattens out. And if you don't do that and there's massive, massive things go on between player agents and and parents where the player agents saying we want to put 100 into property development where you're going to make money and then they're distributed all back out. And that amazing story of Izzy when he was on a million dollars at the Brisbane Broncos being put on a 150 dollars a week spending.
And for a while there is he was one of those guys that call you twice and hang up as you call them back. Yeah, he was he was prepaid credit credit. We all sting me. We all had a guy like that would just nip you with it with a couple of dials and then sit on the phone for half an hour when you're calling.
And that was easy for a while, forced into that by and you can't convince a Polynesian otherwise it's their thing. And I see a bit of reverse colonization because we're all feeling a bit during covid. You know, we've got to take care of the week.
And I think the two communities are learning from each other in a real beautiful way in a way rugby league because rugby league really flattens you out. The guy next to you is like war. If he's weak or is the hole there, everyone plunges in on that hole. And if you're weak in the middle or you're weak outside and I think it builds a solidarity. You know, it's so accountable. Like I remember playing union and I could hide in that I could bark a lot of orders and pull off a few tackles and win man of the match is like in league. Balls in your hands and you're running forward. It's a cold. Now it's meters and tackles made. It's it's a really honest, brutal, accountable sport, which a lot of people love.
Yeah. So do you think that's part of the reason why a lot of the outsiders, you know, who weren't really familiar with how these kind of ancient customs work, is that kind of how he might have seemed to be like a bit of an enigma to, you know, to coaches and critics where they couldn't really understand why he was doing this on that one. I've landed on the cultural collision. Yeah.
Australia is built on the egalitarian principles of everybody.
You try and push in on a taxi queue, an ATM line, a beer line at the footy at an airport, try and create a little sideline and see what happens. Covid test. Don't push in on that one. Even in, you know, we all have daily bouts of road rage of someone that sneaks up the side line and just works their way in.
The greatest thing about Australia is that egalitarian fair go where, I mean, they tried to bring in the we forget they tried to bring in the peerage system here. You get at the end of that, you get Frank Stanton, who just by 70 years of cultural homogeneity in Australia, you've got no idea how to manage difference. Everyone gets treated the same as a national character element that no one can shake.
And only someone of the life experience of Jack Gibson, who actually realized by doing so many different things in his life, from bouncer to opening bowl, a cricketer, just a whole range of things. Great player. One of those really life students of life characters. He understood personalized man management early.
No one else did. Wayne Bennett's got that as the X copper, you know. Bellamy's got it now just by, you know, I don't know exactly how Bellamy got to where he understands instinctively to draft both. Raiders team, you know, all these blokes from all different parts of Australia, that Raiders era. But can you tell us a little bit in your book, you say if a coach nowadays can't bring the best out of their Polynesian talent, they're out of a job. That was a complex. It would have been very tough in the 80s. We saw in the early 2000s, we saw Jason Taylor get his head punched in by Falago, his own player. Because there's a level of respect in any community and any culture. And for a while there, these military rugby league coaches just weren't acknowledging that they need to be a bit different in their approach. The taskmaster can be pulled off if the whole team cops it. The moment individuals get humiliated, you have lost a Samoan. The difference between the 80s and now there's no concept of losing the dressing room in the 1980s.
The coach was the tyrant. The coach was Kim Jong-un. If the coach didn't like a journalist, that journalist did not get near the team.
They sat as the central seer of quotes that went out to the media. And they probably were father figures to a lot of, like legitimately father figures to a lot of the guys playing. The ones that were got great success. But Frank, you know, Graham Lowe said there's more to a play than the guy that rocks up in a tracksuit in the car park. And that's the way it was.
They didn't really care about, they cared that you were there on Tuesday, Thursday. That's when they had you for, because it's semi-pro. You didn't have this immersion you have with the players when now that you have to be a father figure.
But the cultural collision of this egalitarian, one size fits all coaching style with Olsen. I mean, Olsen's effectively a mummy's boy, as a lot of Polynesian boys are. And I don't say that in a negative way. But because the fathers were such harsh disciplinarians under this Samoan code of conduct where they would brutally discipline their child.
The children have to do chores relentlessly. I mean, we whinge about a bit of washing up. But you go to Samoa or you go to South Auckland, all you see is Polynesian, you know, 280 pound props out sweeping the leaves because that's it. You do the chores.
You are blindly respectful to parents. You never ever question elders.
And Fred Arcoy, who is like Olsen, a wizard who played for Norse for three years and they just tried to blunt him. He said we were very easy to drop. So what is in one hand very coachable is you don't get the smart ass comments back. But he said, if you're going to drop two people, always drop the Polynesian.
He's not even going to look in the eyes. He's just going to look down at the floor and they can never, ever question their elders.
Nigel Wangana was one of the first guys who stood up where he said to Jason Taylor, I'm not going to talk to you unless you get my name right. Because his name is very, you know, can be manipulated a lot of different ways. Wangana, it's a very simple one to take in a lewd direction.
And he just and that was a big moment. And Brad Walter told me about that. He said that when he's been watching this change in Polynesian culture and that was a real touchstone moment. But I've tried to tell for this book, the story of the Pacific Phenomena through Olsen, because they will be at 60 percent at some stage.
This is still rugby league of the playing group and this is not the coaching group, not the commentating group, but that will come in time in the NFL. They had this exact same problem, massive overrepresentation. 15 percent of African-Americans in America, 60 to 65, 70 percent, same as the NBA. But they brought in the Rooney rule in America.
And that means whenever there's a head coach advertised in the NFL, one of the three candidates has to be of color. They've got five coaches in there who are in basketball now. It's very normal to see an Isaiah Thomas coaching or an African-American coach alongside the white guys.
So it's right now and that comes back to Olsen. Olsen was the first one to come in that was in playing in a brains position wingers and centers.
But it was always the point guard in basketball can only be a white guy. The quarterback can only be a white guy because the play the playbook was as thick and those stereotypes have to get slowly broken down. Marcus Mariota is a Samoan Hawaiian now throwing lasers in the NFL. But you need those first guys to come through to make everyone else believe.
And that's why I spent a lot of time in the book on Jackie Robinson, more than a lot of people thought we needed. But no, I want to point out that Olsen's part of this race pioneer group, of which Jackie Robinson is an extreme example. But Jackie Robinson, Olsen's story, they're very sad stories without the context of what they helped create. Jackie Robinson had to stay in separate hotel rooms. Guys would slide into the bases, cleats up on Jackie Robinson because they didn't want him to be there.
But he ended up being the catalyst for desegregation of the army, of all government institutions. Olsen's story. First sponsorship, first everything.
Olsen, you know, when Tony Kemp comes along and Tony Kemp says when they were drafted, they mentioned to him that Olsen Filipina played 5'8", I can play 5'8", we're not all brawling. And funny story in there about Tony Kemp because he was about 15 kilos heavier than the rest of them. But he always would win sprints. And he said the coaches would be so confused that they had this fat little Kiwi kids thrashing them in sprints.
And we had to slowly come around that big thawed and heavy bill, you can still be fit with that bill. We had the occasional Chris Close and Brad Izzard's coming through who, they cop the same as Olsen. Even when Brad Izzard got off his mum's cooking and did meat and three veg and did his dieting, he still copped it as being... And the coaches would say shit in the newspapers like, I reckon I can get him fit. Artie Beatson used to get that. That's the task for this coach. Can he get Artie off the meat pies? Yeah, which will get the best out of him. And so Olsen had this overweight and then he had enigma.
And once someone's labeled enigma, it's like rocks and diamonds in the modern era. Once they're labeled with that, you don't have to think about them again. And it can be a very suffocating narrative. I mean, you can't escape it.
And even now... There was a moment where the whole world was watching Olsen Filipina. I mean, I'm talking specifically about the... What test was it? What year was it when he humiliated the King? 1985. Yeah.
You know, really an amazing year in Rugby League. Rugby League, International Rugby League had been in the doldrums. There was only three competitive teams. Britain was down. The Kiwis were down.
There was an international transfer rule that if you left New Zealand, you couldn't play for New Zealand. You were the property of the club you went to and didn't have to report for international duty. Just one of those short sighted decisions that meant a lot of Kiwis who wanted to play. So Olsen was the first guy to come across with the new contract that said he could play for the Kiwis as well. And he blasted that through and basically got Balmain to haggle it out with the International Rugby League board and get an exemption.
So 1985 also, it's the end of Robert Muldoon in New Zealand, who was there. John Howard, basically the last guy who was sort of demonizing migrants and really just dog whistling for one group of the population. And Rugby Union was on the nose. It stank in New Zealand after the 1981 Springboks tour. They went against the whole world in allowing the Springboks to tour there. 56 days of basically pitched warfare on the on the streets of New Zealand between the left and the right.
Yeah. And the bloody, even the All Blacks themselves hated what they were doing because when they went to South Africa, they were marked as honorary whites. Yep.
It was a couple of hours ago, Brian, Brian, Brian Williams, Sir Brian Williams, now the first big time Polynesian hero and also an equivalent in Rugby Union, had to get his paper stamped honorary white to tour over there. And those guys never copped it. So League had a little bit of a glow up in that moment. It had a glow up. Well, it had an opportunity and it just happened to be a whole golden generation was coming through. Guys that were playing in England, guys that have been toughened up by the Winfield Cup. They had all of the ingredients.
They had an unbelievable captain in Mark Graham, who'd been really tough playing for Norths was not easy. And, you know, he he'd actually featured in the Winfield Cup's marketing for an overseas player to feature in the marketing. And he was loved. And I think he's just been gone into the Hall of Fame and he's New Zealand's player of the century. You had a coach in Graham Lowe and Graham Lowe was different. He'd never played first grade rugby league in New Zealand.
He started in eighth grade, properly came from the absolute dregs of rugby league society, the misfits and stoners and fatties. And, you know, the guys, stoners, you're right, eighth grade, they're like the cricketers of footballs.
Yeah. And he turned up with his tracksuit pants and his clipboard and went all the way through first to introduce three nights a week training in New Zealand. So he was the catalyst for professionalism. Won two championships with Odehoo, the Fox Memorial Cups there.
Brisbane Norths had come last in 1978, dead last. They stank. The coaching job came up for grabs. They'd never been a Kiwi coach in Australia. He came in. The BRL was a very, very, very parochial competition. You know, believe they were the equal of Sydney without the the pokey money. That's some good teams. And produced Mel Meninger, produced Wally Lewis, produced guys that would crash crush us in state of origin. So really talent wise, the same. Maybe fitness a bit different. Took Norths. Twenty five players walked out when they heard this misfit New Zealand coach was coming across. He blended together players together using his man management, created great great careers like Mark Murray, took them to fifth. And then in 1980, the greatest win in BRL history, the greatest underdog, the Leicester City of the BRL, yeah. Queensland Rugby League. Vorton was in that side? He would have been coming up through that era. But no, it wasn't Faddy, it was like Zulu Campbell, Joe Kilroy went from biker stoner to wizard because he knew how to manage the wayward guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was a non judgmental way, just like Phil Jackson with Dennis Rodman. Yeah, yeah.
Let him do his... Don't put a saddle on a Mustang. Let him do his time in Vegas. Let him have his time.
Long leash. Yeah, as long as he gets his boards, life's good. A long leash that's made of Kevlar. Just much wider boundaries, but have boundaries there all the same. And don't jump on his head, you know.
Yeah. And gently, gently, gently, it's a horse whispering. Yeah, yeah. Very gently bring him back, don't humiliate him, and he'll actually feel guilty and come back and play twice as hard. Yeah.
And in that moment in time, 1985, in Brisbane, Olsen outplayed Wally for 80 minutes. Unbelievable. So Olsen's picked from reserve grade in eastern suburbs.
Graham Lowe talks to his mother for an hour before he selects him at 5'8". I mean, what coach is talking to a player's mother? You'd have to understand Polynesians to know that. Comes back to Olsen, says, spoke to him, spoke to your mother.
She says, and that was when phone calls were costly. At one stage with Olsen's home sickness, he had an $800 phone bill home.
Yeah, right. You know, way more than he's earning playing footy for that, for that month. So he comes into Olsen and says, you know, I spoke to your mum, and she said, if you don't get over Wally, she thinks you've, she's seen you at your best. She thinks you've got Wally, you're bigger than him, you've got more skills than him. And she'll give you a clip here if you don't. Olsen fires up. So you've got Olsen in the centre of the park, attacking Australia's nerve centre. Yeah. Wally Lewis.
No one expected the attack to come from, from there. That's the old, you know, attack them in the strongest part of the line.
You've got Kevin Tarmody. So you've got Olsen, the skill guy in the middle, and you've got Kevin Tarmody.
Rugby League's absolute junkyard dog. The guy, Wally Lewis said, is the toughest player ever, who said, I'm going to stop Australian racism right here.
This series, it stops. Because he'd been racially vilified in a previous series in 1982, and he said, it stops here. And he said, all the lip stops.
We're going to get respect now. We're not just, they think, they think we're not tough.
And in one of the matches was either the 82, 83 or 85 tool. New Zealand had played Queensland without their imports and got done 40-12. It was like, whoa. So there was this low watermark of respect in Australia for New Zealand.
And there's a homecoming too. We've got, the boys are finally allowed to put on that jersey. So you've got Wally, yeah, you've got, and this pride in the Kiwi jersey is an amazing, this amazing thing. You see it in the All Blacks now. So you've got Wally, the week after the Brisbane Test, about to be crowned the first ever Adidas Golden Boot International Rugby League Player of the Year.
He has won for Winter Manly, he has won for Queensland, he has won for Australia, 3-0 against Great Britain. He's won everything. They've won the Midweek AMCO Cup for Brisbane, every single trophy. He is the Lord of all creation. And I think Brett Kenny should absolutely be an immortal.
And the fact that Wally was over Brett Kenny more, and Brett Kenny gave him a lot of trouble, but that says for me, more than anything about where Wally sits against Andrew Johns or whatever, the fact that he was able to outplay Brett Kenny for me, and be captain at the same time, you've got to factor that in. So all these ingredients go into the, into the pot, and you watch Olsen, he looks like he's giving Wally stink eye before. It's like he's realised my back is to the wall now. And there comes a time when a man has to, you know, so you've got this great historical drama with Wally and Olsen, the two best players of their countries of a generation, one not allowed to shine in Sydney. And it's so richly peopled with characters, that series, Graham Lowe and Terry Fernley.
New South Wales coach and Australian coach, they had to come in with the Fernley rule after that to stop that. Because after the second test, which Australia won, sort of jump ahead to the second test, Australia won the second test, but Terry Fernley still made four changes and moved four Queenslanders out of the first starting 13. And it started a war and Graham Lowe said, I knew if I could exploit the gap between the New South Wales Queensland rivalry, if I could drive a wedge between them, that's a great strategy. And it's one of the great if you look at the underdog strategy as a science, that's one of them. Divide and divide them into two digestible pieces to deal with. And he had been threatening to brew and that's what super war Super League was affected bubbled up again. It was Queensland getting left out of things or feeling they were wanting to Same thing happens in a federal election. Which the Labour Party keeps learning.
Except the last one. Yes, Albo, the constituents of the constituents of Grayndler and the constituents of Queensland, the only Venn diagram they share is oxygen, breathing.
So I'm a Jim Chalmers man. Yeah. If you want to win. Yeah. You want to keep projecting our exciting micro issues on the people then and losing. That's fine. But yeah, he's he's he's from the engine room at Queensland down there. We need a Logan Prime Minister right now. Yeah, yeah. There was a time when you needed to win Melbourne over when Melbourne was the the swing state as they as they call it, then Albo made perfect sense. It's not whether you're a good bloke or not. Merrickville sounds a lot like, you know, it's very longman convoy. Yeah, well, and Queensland will rear their head. Yeah.
And I guess that's that is an interesting thing about Wally and Olsen's rivalry and that they were both ignored by New South Wales. They were both ignored.
Yeah, probably outsiders. They were put down and it's it's no coincidence that New Zealanders love Queensland. Yeah.
The only coach ever to be allowed into the inner sanctum of Queensland Rugby League origin was Graham Lowe. Yeah. They let a Kiwi in. They would never ever let a New South Welshman in. And I remember the comments coming out of Queensland were, we owe Graham Lowe more than we could ever repay him.
And that is that, you know, for me, they say, who's the greatest coach? All right, Bellamy, one club forever. That's great.
For me, do you have a transportable set of man management skills that can work anywhere? Yeah, he's worked in working class New Zealand. Graham Lowe, he turned Wigan when we think of powerhouses, the man united of English Rugby League, Wigan.
He started that whole thing, fed it into Moni. Moni took it onwards.
Brisbane Rugby League, another. Let's let's not say Sydney's better than anywhere else. Let's just say they got pokies for that for the moment, because Origin, for me, proved that and New Zealand, when it's been able to get attacked together and in Brisbane, he won a competition as well.
And in Manly, he was on his way here before he had two life threatening operations and had to call it off. You talked to N Roberts. You talked to Cliff Lyons.
Superhero. I love Boyle. So I think he puts his hand up with a few others on being the greatest coach of all time proven in multiple cultural conditions.
So, Olsen and Wally squashed the beef the other night, actually, on the Matty John show. But that was it. That was the thing, Wally. And it was a bit it was a bit ordinary, but Wally couldn't shake his hand after that match. I've done a lot of digging around this and I've made my peace with it.
So after the first test of Wally, so while he gets crowned, you know, the week after the greatest player in Rugby League and he's been humiliated in this game by a reserve great Garbo who came from nowhere. He'd been a very good player on the international stage, but he'd played center before he hadn't been on Wally. And what a master stroke to move him to to to to five eighths to show his full range of skills. So normally after the game, the players all get to have a beer.
Hey, I could hang at you. Ha ha ha. You know, hail fellow. Well met. We're part of the international thing. Let's go out on the turf somewhere. Life's good. Let's go.
Olsen says, Olsen says, yeah, Olsen says he was stuck. Yeah, we've been in Fortitude Valley back then. And Olsen says he went to shake Wally's hand while he brushed him. And Olsen said, right.
There's something Captain Cook wrote about it. There's something in the Maori disposition, which they are your very best friend or the very worst nightmare. He said, you don't wrong the Maori and you see it. They learned it with the Nappui. You muck around with the Treaty of Watangi. These guys will go you.
It's just it's just either unbelievable hospitality. It's reciprocity of hospitality or reciprocity of fire and anger.
And there's a there is an unbelievable movie called Utu and Utu is this concept. And Quentin Tarantino called it the greatest ever New Zealand movie. It's actually free on YouTube at the moment. It's about a guy, a Maori who joins the British Army, gets betrayed and just turns Mad Max on them. And it's it's a great movie.
And Olsen has that side of him where if it's triggered or if he's humiliated and he just raised the black flag on on on Wally Lewis. And I spoke to Florimo, Greg Florimo from the North. He said, yeah, Wally brush me after a game as well. And I spoke to Wally and he said, yeah, after a game, I had the shit. If ever I lost the last person I want to talk to is the guy. And we saw it in Michael Jordan.
Yeah. These absolute champion guys who are almost guaranteed to deliver your victory if they're on your team. Yeah. Like that Scott Burrell. Yeah. All right. He's got some rings. Yeah.
But he got bullied by Jordan by any stretch of the imagination. So if you want to join beyond Wally's, Wally's not going to talk to you. And we saw it with Isaiah Thomas. You know, he didn't want to talk, shake hands.
He want to do it. There are some guys like that. And Graham Lowe is in a unique position of having coached Wally for Queensland and having coached Olsen for Kiwis. And he says he fully understands Wally was the most competitive guy he'd ever met like that. And he would drag everyone up to his level. And he was a general like that. The best guy, because you only had to tell him anything once. Similar to Olsen, very shy Wally as well. Well, he says it's in his in his biography, a shy guy and a free spirit. When you look at Wally playing 1978-99, he was a chip and chase man from his own half.
And it was only the Sydney robots led by Warren Ryan who worked out this sludge ball version of defense oriented football. Why? Because they had the pokies and they didn't have to rely on the entertaining football for the turnstiles. So Warren Ryan was good for the game, bad for the game.
And he and he's trapped in another in another time and place as well. And I I've made peace on judging those guys because what else could they be coming out of, you know, a race based immigration policy? You're going to have a superiority complex. Yet there were some people that didn't.
And that's the joy of rugby league. It's such a boxing's the same. Boxing was the first to draw the color line in Australia because you're both the same weight.
Yeah.
Boxing had Aboriginal trainers training white guys in the 20s because it's so honest and so truthful and so no nonsense. There's no room for bullshit. Well, that's the boxing troops have been a big part of that in the bush, too. You know, the only way off the mission was to go to athletics meets or go on Jimmy Sharma's boxing, traveling troops.
And, you know, and the Aboriginals used to come to town and see these guys crack the white guys. They were heroes. A lot of Rose and all came out of that tradition.
Now, Olsen is still is still working. He's going to get put in a Hall of Fame, I'm sure at some point in New Zealand. But he's in the New Zealand League of Legends. They got 51 people inducted into their Hall of Fame. He's a second ballot guy. I don't think he's going to be in the NRL Hall of Fame unless the PC stuff goes mad because like Frank Fisher would be in the NRL Hall of Fame because, yeah, Kathy Freeman's grandfather was an unbelievable rugby league player.
For Wide Bay and in Queensland, but was never picked for any repsides. And the British tried to get him to go play there and they stopped him because of the Aboriginal Act.
So I don't think you can pick on potential or what could have been that opens up a can of worms at an unbelievable level. But what I wanted to do in the book was fix or provide a second narrative and add Olsen's voice to history that he played a lot of great games in Sydney and a lot of the times he was dropped because he had a clash with the coach. Nothing to do with form and once you're doing eight weeks in Reggie's, of course, that's going to ruin your confidence and you start to think you're not loved. He needed a father figure who loved him like a second son.
All of the coaches do that. And it goes back to that earlier point. You got 9.6 million. What's your Moneyball move as an NRL coach now? If you don't get the best out of 50 percent of your playing stock, you're not going to win. Absolute point blank. The Moneyball movies get the best out of your poly guys and your Maori guys and your Aboriginal guys who are the majority of playing groups. If you add them all together, they're 60 percent of the of the elite, get the best out of those guys, you're going to win.
And they love Trenton. The Polynesian guys love Trenton Robinson. They love Bellamy.
And it's no coincidence those two are the coaches of the last 10 years, for sure. Well, Olsen for the piner, it's a great story. Could very well been an immortal playing under some of these coaches in this era. But, you know, there's been plenty, plenty more like him that have come over since.
Pacific Pioneer, that is in your new book, The Big O. Patrick Skeen, thank you for joining us today. Honored to bear witness for Olsen Filipina, the Galloping Garbo and Pacific Revolution Pioneer. What an honor. What a great yarn.
I'm Wally Lewis and I spoke to Florimo, Greg Florimo from the North. He said, yeah, Wally brushed me after a game as well. And I spoke to Wally and he said, yeah, after a game, I had the shit, if ever I lost. The last person I want to talk to is the guy.
And we saw it in Michael Jordan. These absolute champion guys who are almost guaranteed to deliver your victory if they're on your team.
Yeah. Like that Scott Burrell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. He's got some rings. Yeah, yeah.
But he got bullied by Jordan, by any stretch of the imagination. So if you want to join beyond Wally's, Wally's not going to talk to you. And we saw it with Isaiah Thomas. You know, he didn't want to talk, shake hands.
He'd want to do it. There are some guys like that. And Graham Lowe is in a unique position of having coached Wally for Queensland and having coached Olsen for Kiwis. And he says he fully understands Wally was the most competitive guy he'd ever met like that. And he would drag everyone up to his level. And he was a general like that. The best guy, because you only had to tell him anything once. Similar to Olsen, very shy Wally as well. Wally says it's in his biography, a shy guy and a free spirit. When you look at Wally playing 1978-99, he was a chip and chase man.
Yeah. From his own half. And it was only the Sydney robots led by Warren Ryan who worked out this sludge ball version of defense-oriented football. Why? Because they had the pokies and they didn't have to rely on the entertaining football for the turnstiles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Warren Ryan was good for the game, bad for the game. I'm a Dogs fan. I'll take the two. Yeah. Premierships or... And he's still punching blocks down in fucking Maroo. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he, and he, and he's trapped in another, in a, in a, in another time and place as well. And I, I, I've made peace on judging those guys because what else could they be coming out of a, you know, a race-based immigration policy? You're going to have a superiority complex.
Yet there were some people that didn't, and that's the joy of rugby league. It's such a boxing's the same. Boxing was the first to draw the color line in Australia because you're both the same weight.
Yeah.
Boxing had Aboriginal trainers training white guys in the twenties because it's so honest and so truthful and so no nonsense. There's no room for bullshit. Well, that's, yeah, the boxing troops have been a big part of that in the bush too, you know. The only way off the mission was to go to athletics meets or go on Jimmy Sharma's boxing, traveling troops. And, you know, and the Aboriginal's used to come to town and see these guys crack the white guys and they were heroes and a lot of Rose and all came out of that tradition.
Now, Olsen is still, is still working. He's going to get put in a Hall of Fame, I'm sure, at some point in New Zealand. But he's in the New Zealand League of Legends. They've got 51 people inducted into their Hall of Fame and he's a second ballot guy. I don't think he's going to be in the NRL Hall of Fame unless the PC stuff goes mad. Because like Frank Fisher would be in the NRL Hall of Fame because yeah, Cathy Freeman's grandfather was an unbelievable rugby league player for Wide Bay and in Queensland, but was never picked for any repsides.
And the British tried to get him to go and play there and they stopped him because of the Aboriginal act. So I don't think you can pick on potential or what could have been. That opens up a can of worms at an unbelievable level. But what I wanted to do in the book was fix or provide a second narrative and add Olsen's voice to history that he played a lot of great games in Sydney and a lot of the times he was dropped. But because he had a clash with the coach, nothing to do with form. And once you're doing eight weeks in Reggie's, of course, it's going to ruin your confidence and you start to think you're not loved. He needed a father figure who loved him like a second son.
All of the coaches do that. And it goes back to that earlier point. You've got $9.6 million. What's your moneyball move as an NRL coach now? If you don't get the best out of 50% of your playing stock, you're not going to win. Absolute point blank. The moneyball move is get the best out of your poly guys and your Maori guys and your Aboriginal guys who are the majority of playing groups. We've had them all together. They're 60% of the elite. Get the best out of those guys, you're going to win.
And they love Trent. The Polynesian guys love Trent Robertson. They love Bellamy.
And it's no coincidence those two are the coaches of the last 10 years, for sure. Well, Olsen for the piner, it's a great story. Could very well been an immortal playing under some of these coaches in this era. But, you know, there's been plenty, plenty more like him that have come over since.
And a Pacific pioneer that is in your new book, The Big O. Patrick Skink, thank you for joining us today. Honoured to bear witness for Olsen for the piner, the Galloping Garbo and Pacific Revolution pioneer. What an honour. What a great yarn. |
dropout | if_your_jizz_socks_could_talk | So, yet for another round? I think I am.
What the fuck, Ryan? Well, I'm not going to use you again. You're all cold and slimy and I think you have a hair growing. You can't be fucking serious. You think you can just go around fucking things left and right and no one would care? You're just a sock. Ooh, don't feel bad, sugar.
I'll use you again once you get all cleaned up. Thank you, Camille. Do you know my name?
Angeline? Angeline. Stupid, stupid, stupid Angeline.
You let him stretch your elastic and you'll probably end up back at the thrift store. Shouldn't have bought socks there. And so what? You just use whatever you can grab and jerk into it. You probably even use that ratty t-shirt. Hey, I have a name too and it sure is a hell of a lot better than Angeline. Shut the fuck up, Marge. You would use it once. That was because we was only in the wash. Yeah, that's what happens to old high school bad men, church. Ew, the couch too?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's calling me Love Seed, right, Ryan? It's okay, I still love you.
Nah, nah. You need to hush your face courtesy, Ty. You ain't even been to the show. So you need to butt yourself out. God, he's so annoying. Yeah, and he smells like ass.
Everybody stop. This is not what I wanted to happen. You know, we're all here together.
You know, when I was growing up and started exploring my body, you guys were there to help me figure it out. I mean, sure, we hit a few bumps in the road, but you never judged. Not even when I was exploring with new textures or trying different objects. Or even that one time I got drunk and used soap.
So can't we just all get along? You know, we aren't all perfect, but together we make a hole or something. So what do you say, huh?
I mean, hell, you know, I mean, we all know Ryan's in. So come on, guys, let's get you cleaned up. Don't forget about me. |
dropout | archaeology_isn_t_sexy | Hi, welcome to the College Humor Podcast. I am Mike Trapp joined today by Hi, I'm Jess Ross and I'm Ryan Anthony Martin and fancy I'm Anna Siobhan, Kony Thompson. Ooh, that's too many names. Actually, I don't have Kony on my passport because I think my dad at some point was like, you have to get an extra form to have a name this long.
Just cutting it out, cutting it out. That's a very dad thing to do, like practicality overall else.
Well, yes, this is the College Humor Podcast where we're just going to talk about some behind the scenes stuff, play some fun games, generally just fuck around for your entertainment. Hopefully you're watching this on Dropout. If not, you're maybe watching this on the CH2 channel, or maybe you're listening to just the audio if you live in the distant future. I don't know how you're doing this, but if you're not watching on Dropout, you should do that because you can watch this episode a little earlier and you can chat with us personally on the Dropout Discord.
If you are in the distant future, I really hope it's better. Please develop time travel and send us a message back to us. Yeah, why are you listening to this, ride a unicorn or something? Get on it, baby. In the future there will be unicorns. I've seen the future, I'm just not there yet. That's how we're spending all our time. First item on the agenda, develop unicorn.
Yeah, well, how's everyone doing, what happened with everyone this week? I don't know.
Oh, I've been, so my, I don't even want to call it a resolution because I probably will break it at some point, but nobody likes calling it a resolution. I think a new year's intent is useful is to not buy any brand new clothes. Just because it's super wasteful and also in LA especially, you can just get new clothes secondhand because people just go through their clothes so quickly and especially with so many shoots and stuff going on here, I think that people are just getting rid of entire wardrobes constantly.
And I'd love also to shout out Marie Kondo for making people give away a lot of shit right now. She's watching it right now. Thank you. I'm getting so much good stuff because other people decided it didn't spark joy. Yeah, if you're not watching this, Siobhan looks awesome right now. She's got these killer gold shoes, these great orange pants. She's fucking killing it. Coordinated. My bag is orange.
Ooh, is this also a part of your new intent? This I've had for a while and I did buy at a real store. I'm conflicted about that. Do you like shopping for clothes? I love it, but I don't love shopping for a specific thing and I think that that's where people go wrong. If you're like, I need to buy a white button-down shirt, absolute nightmare.
You'll never find it. This is the most basic thing in the world. Why didn't none of these stores have it?
And if they have it, it's like, oh, it's like a ruffle crop top white button-down shirt. I put into that a lot, yeah. Nightmare. But if you're just open to it and it's creative and you're like, oh, I could pair this with this other thing that I have. Also if you don't have a video, Trap is in a ruffle crop top right now.
You look great. You just look nice.
I hate shopping for clothes. People always imagine that retro futurism kind of thing, like imagine the future where everyone's wearing silver jumpsuits that are baggy and look like shit.
That's my dream. I mean, that is also my dream, to be fair.
I do love a silver jumpsuit. That's a bit of the style right now. I feel like now's the time to thrive. You could absolutely wear a silver jumpsuit and I would love for you to be in one. In fact, if I can find a silver jumpsuit, I will get you one. If you get me a silver jumpsuit, I will wear it. Fantastic. It's less that I want the silver jumpsuit. It's more that I want the one-size-fits-all. It's like, hey, look, everyone's going to look like shit in this.
It doesn't matter. You don't ever have to think about it.
Your wardrobe, it's like a cartoon. You open it up just full of 80 different silver jumpsuits.
That's the dream for me. Trapp, I feel like I could take you shopping. Oh, God. I have anxiety. Just to say, no. I feel like I could make it fun for you. I don't know. I feel like it's a challenge. Because I think that also this is not a dig. I feel like you do dress very conservatively. You have a very specific, I have my uniform.
I don't want people to be talking about it. That's not the thing that I want people to be talking about.
Yeah, that's pretty accurate. It's like, yep, solid plain colors, nothing to rock the boat.
Is there a piece of fashion that you ever saw that was like a little out there, like a fanny pack or something? And you were like, maybe I'll try it. You could absolutely rock a fanny pack. What does your heart want? My heart wants to never have to make a decision with clothes. Never anything a little out of the box. Never like a t-shirt where you see a little bit of the side or a little side boob. Yeah, something you saw on someone, and you were like, ooh, that looks really good. I want to try that.
I don't have the mindset for clothes. I guess I don't, I guess I've seen things where people go, that looks- You don't have the passion for fashion. I don't have a passion for fashion, yeah. I've seen things that would go and go like, that looks really good, but I never translates to, and therefore I should wear it. It's just sort of like, oh, cool, that looks good on you.
I don't know. Yeah?
Silver jumpsuit.
I'm looking at what I'm feeling in my eyes. I'm opening to the universe, I'm letting the universe bring a silver jumpsuit to me. I believe it can happen.
Shiny? Shiny or matte? Ooh, then you have the really important question. Patches?
Again, the important thing is- Is it like a stiff jumpsuit, or is this like a satin type situation? To your dressing conservatively point, it's like what everyone else is wearing. The important thing is that everyone is wearing it, and it's like, okay, cool, we're all just gonna blend in and it'll be fine.
Great. Yeah. Resolve it, fashion.
Uniforms. See, I went to a school where we had to wear, I mean, I went to several schools because I fucking hated school, but every school, because everybody in England wears a school uniform, and I think that as soon as I got out of that, I was like, I never had to wear it. I desperately wanted a school uniform, but we didn't have them.
That's terrible. They were so hot. Tied, tied. Like, me and my socks, and fucking little skirts. But we also would every single assembly- But everybody was trying to fuck you when you're wearing them. I know. Honestly, that is true though.
I remember going to several sexy schoolgirl parties, and looking back- As a schoolgirl? I was like, wait, I was a schoolgirl when I was going to sexy schoolgirl parties, wearing just my school uniform, but like, hiked the skirt up. And we would also get like, apparently, according to the teachers, allegedly, which I don't know if I believe this at all, but every single assembly, it felt like we would get, we've had calls from the neighbors complaining about how short the girl's skirts are.
Get the fuck out of here, these parents. How dare you?
You're looking, you're sexualizing. You're looking at me, you're sexualizing me. You gave you the skirt.
And we had one history teacher who was such a prude, and so terrified, I think, of getting fired. And he was, for some reason, an American teacher teaching history in an English school. Which is already a red flag. He's an American werewolf in London. And he was so, like, openly paranoid about getting fired for sexualizing girls at this school. Which is, again, such a red flag. He was like, you need to do your shirt buttons up for me, because I'm gonna get fired. Too much forbidden fruit tempting me. People would occasionally leave tampons or sanitary towels, clean ones, unused ones on his desk. Because it terrified him. Like, he was physically terrified of any kind of sanitary products. He should not have been teaching at an all-girls school.
Or maybe at all. I'm gonna say maybe at all. Yeah.
He was a werewolf. He was about the werewolf.
Oh, no, that was weird. That was weird. That's such a strange, like, the terror of that.
It's like, I can't buy tampons for my significant other. That's the thing, it's like, I don't understand, it's almost like that kind of magical thinking and a sort of deep anthropological thing, like, this object is taboo and I shall not touch it, or I will anger some higher being. Gross, it's just a piece of cotton with a string in it. Calm down.
What are you, yeah, it's very, very. But tell us about the secrets. I mean, it does have a lot of secrets in it.
You get a joke, you open it up, it's a little second side, different flavors. This isn't a bad idea. In the middle, there's a gumball.
There was one tampon brand that I bought. I don't use tampons anymore, I'm like fully natural.
Diva cup? I use a diva cup. Oh my god, I had the worst diva cup experience.
Oh, no, really? Tell me.
It got stuck and the paint had to try to pull it away. And I was screaming and the more, it's like one of those bad things. It's like an inverse Winnie the Pooh. The more you pull, apparently the more suction we were creating you have to pinch and then pull. And I was screaming and I was like, oh, what a night. And also, like, bear down at the same time. Like, you're giving birth to Winnie the Pooh. What a night. It was like giving birth, I imagine.
Oh my god. Oh my goodness.
Sorry, guys. Sorry, everybody.
But I got a pack and it was, they were all colored differently, which makes sense because you're like, oh, the different colors represent the different absorbancies of tampons, but they were just colored randomly. So like some of them were like yellow, pink, and green, but like different strengths, it wasn't. That's insanity. Who let a man design a tampon?
It's fun. It's fun colors. Ladies like fun colors.
Purple's tiny, yellow's medium, green is big. Yeah, everybody knows that. Those are the tampon rules. Yellow is Wednesday. Yellow is Wednesday, purple is great.
The purple tampons in England are actually blackcurrant flavored. What was that? The purple tampons in England are actually blackcurrant flavored.
Not a lot of people know that. Oh yeah, those are the big differences. The great blackcurrant divide between our countries.
All right, well, we cracked back. Jess, you've been talking about getting a dog, right? I have.
So we noticed neighbors, our apartment does not allow pets. And then recently I've noticed more kitty cats in the window and I started taking pictures of them and I was like, I don't want to narc on them because I don't want the kitties to be on the streets or back at the thing. No, mean streets. I saw one so close to my landlords or building manager's apartment and I was like, I know she's seen this cat.
So I messaged her and she was like, you can't have a pet, but you can have an emotional support animal. Oh, a little bit of a loophole. I mean, look, I do believe that people have emotional support animals, but now everybody just has an emotional support animal because it's a loophole. Yeah, yeah. Which, I mean, I feel like I could genuinely greatly benefit from, I feel like dogs do make me feel better. I mean, that's why you get a pet, right? Every pet is an emotional support animal. Yeah, they're not doing anything else for you. Unless you're like, I bought this specifically to catch mice, I have no emotional connection to this cat and I didn't even name it. This dog makes me feel bad, but I love picking up shit on the street. That's what it does for me. Yeah. So yeah, so I've been looking online, saw a couple that I liked reaching out.
How big you thinking? I mean, my dream of dreams, I'd have a big old pit ball with like a big fucking head that's so cute, but that probably isn't gonna work because if we ever need to move. So now I'm thinking like a medium to small size dog that's easy to kind of like travel with and go on hikes with and stuff. Did you grow up with dogs?
Oh yeah, yeah, a house isn't a home without a dog. I've been homeless all this time. And you get it, cause in California there's a bunch of rules, right, around you have to adopt, like there's no shop. Oh, is that true? I mean, I would only go to a rescue, but I didn't know that that was a thing. Yeah, I think that now there's rules where you can go to a private breeder and buy a purebred dog, but pet stores are not allowed to sell them. Pet stores are only allowed to sell rescue animals.
Oh, okay. Because there are more than enough. So people just go out of state and get the dog that they want? Yes, that's what happens. Is that they drive to Colorado.
Smug on the dog thing. There's a case of Pomeranian in the back of a truck.
These are just grapefruits, don't need to look here.
I am embarrassed to say last night at a little time when my hands are just unwind and instead of watching one of the millions of shows I tell people I'm going to watch, I watch dog training videos because I'm like, I want to be a really good pet owner. Yeah, when you get up, it is a little bit like that sort of, again, we're talking about like we have children have had children, it's like, I imagine it's like what children are like, right? But that sort of thing, it's like, I gotta be a good dad, like I gotta know all the things, gotta make sure everything's ready, and I do like it reflects poorly, when you have like a poorly trained dog, it's just like, what's your problem, man? Like, why didn't you take care of this dog better? Yeah, also having had dogs in the past, I know how difficult, like some things, I don't know, it's like, it just is what it is. Some dogs just suck, I mean, look.
You ordered here first, folks. You know who you are.
No, and many dogs are great, but some dogs, like my sister's friend has a collie, and I feel like they were for some reason like, I need to get a collie, but anybody who's, they wanted to get a rescue collie, and anybody who's giving away a collie, it's because they're bad, because collies are super smart and super hyperactive, and sometimes that just flips over into like the most intense horrifying ADD. Yeah. So yeah, I don't know, some humans are bad, it's okay. It's the same with pugs on there. Anytime I see a pug or like a Frenchie, I'm like, what is wrong with you? What is wrong? You have to just like have an oxygen mask on at all time, because its nose is just like. They were talking about super hyperactive ones, and you have, there's like currencies that the dog appreciates, it's either food or play, and a dog like that just wants to be active so much, so you gotta like do frisbee stuff with them, teach them proper fat. Yeah, I mean, there's certain dogs that you shouldn't have unless you live in the countryside. Oh yeah, for sure.
I get always a little upset when I see people in LA with a husky. With a husky. This is an arctic dog, you should not have this dog in LA. Yeah. In the desert? No, this dog does not live in the desert, and if it is, you should shave it, and then why do you have a husky? Fun fact, most dogs you see are shaved huskies, you just don't recognize them.
All those coyotes. Every coyote is a shaved husky that is shaved. No wonder they're so mad.
Give me back my fur. My main beef with you now, Jess. Whoa, beef, beef. You started this story talking about all these cats that you were taking pictures of and then decided you wanted a dog. What happened?
Hold my hand. I love cats. Cat owners of America, you know. Let's all hold hands. I truly do love cats with all my heart, but I'm very, very allergic to them. Oh.
You see my eyes red right now, that's just allergies from the world coming at me. If I had a cat, I'll be blind. Oh yeah, I have to take an antihistamine every day just from the world attacking my body.
Yeah, I'm not meant for this world that long. But, and also, you know what, the litter is just so, it's too much. It's fine. It just started in a very hopeful place to me. Like, wow, taking all these pictures of cats and windows and the cat. I do that all the time.
I think Kate would probably maybe want a cat more than a dog. Dogs are great though. You're not wrong. Yeah, dogs are. Some dogs are also cats. Oh. You know what I mean? Yes, and some cats are dogs. Yes, absolutely. And I love a cat dog. Ursula's kind of a cat dog. That's true, yeah.
My cat is very much like, when she was a kid and she played fetch and she's very, you know, like, she's very social. She's a great cat. Not just saying it. She's a great cat. Well, thank you.
Someone was telling me about a cat that, it was like having some kind of allergic reaction or whatever, and they tested it, and they found that it was allergic to human damage. Oh no. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. If you're a cat and you're allergic to your owner. He's like, the other way around, it's like, oh, that's really sad. It's like, you're reliant on, like, you're a cat. You could maybe be okay outside a little bit, like hunting, because cats still have a little bit of wildness in it, but like, no. What do you do with a cat like that?
I don't know. I don't know what you do.
Ryan? Ryan.
Okay. Explain yourself. When you started the story. You shaved yourself fully. You shaved yourself. Yeah.
You keep it in like a hamster ball. And then you run with the Huskies in Griffith Park. It's like a bubble boy situation.
I do do stupid stuff because we have like the two cats at home. And I don't know, like when you realize they just don't like some, or like they'll go, like you find themselves, you find them like inconveniencing themselves by like walking around some and saying, I'll move that out of your way. I'll do it. It's like, I'll live around you. I don't want to, I don't want to cramp your style. And they're really not like that much of a problem. I think I'm hypersensitive too because I want to be like a good cat dad. So it's like, whatever I got to do.
You want to lay on my legs for two hours until they fall asleep, please. If an animal is lying on me, I will not move.
Yeah. No, well, how could you? Yeah. Couldn't it? Yeah.
It's very large. It's pinning me down.
Well, on that note, we'll go ahead and we'll move to our next little segment here. So we're going to play, those aren't them. Those are them down there. We're going to play a little game today. This is called the psychic game show. So this is a, we have a stack of cards here. Stack, these are a stack of questions. None of us know what these questions are and we're going to try to answer them, but we're also going to try to answer them before we hear what the question is. So we'll just kind of go down the line, asking questions, doing our best to answer them. We'll see, we'll see how we do. We'll see how psychic we are. Jess, do you want to start us off? We'll just like pass this stack down the line.
So I shouldn't even look at it. You should just look at it. I'll just pull out. I'll look and now look at it. And then, you know.
Then send it through the power of brainwaves. You didn't know you wanted me to use my psychic abilities.
You got it? All right. I guess I should answer first. Yeah. Who's feeling it the most? All right, I'm going to say the answer to this question.
I'm going to say the answer to this question is macaroni and cheese. Two beanbag chairs. Apple. What is the main ingredient in guacamole? I think apple is closest.
Hell yeah. We're talking about a fruit with some seeds inside. Yeah, I guess that's true. I mean, yes, absolutely.
I would say mac and cheese is like a savory, it's like a dippable. Yeah, I think I was picking up on guacamole vibes and I just got that like, you know, that savory, salty, creamy. But also, apple is an ingredient in mac and cheese. I could say apple is an ingredient in mac and cheese. I could see an apple in a guacamole with some goat cheese.
Don't do this. Yes, please don't do this.
Oh my god.
I was a- Like Anthony from Queer Eye. Stop adding it. I will take the compliment.
I was at a friend's place and who I love dearly and but he was like, okay, cool, I tried this new guacamole recipe and- Is it the one with peas? It's a peacamole and I was like, this, how dare you, sir? It was guacamole, guacamole. I can't even call it that. But it was guacamole made with peas instead of avocados. And it was like, this is just, this is not the thing you advertise. How limiting. I used to work for the restaurant that invented that peacamole that everybody needed. Peacamole?
Yeah. Was it better in the restaurant? I never had it because it happened after I worked there. But it was a very good restaurant. So I mean, I would imagine that it was good. I don't know why they would create some kind of monstrosity like that. Do you gain food? I mean, here's what I feel like.
A p-dip sounds delicious, but also saying p-dip is a bad name. P-mole is a lot better. I also like, I understand when it's like, hey, we can't do this, if it's like, oh, we're gonna do like a p-substitute for something like make it like vegetarian or something like that, like guacamole.
Well, I think it's because it's not local. It's not local to New York.
I see. Have avocados. Okay. Yeah. Whereas peas you can get locally. I am assuming is the reasoning behind it. I'm trying not to say the name of the restaurant, even though everybody can Google it. Okay.
Also, there's guacamole everywhere. Why not spice it up sometimes? Why not try some different guacamole? You're fundamentally, it's because it's not a guacamole. You can always go back to the regular guacamole. Because then it's not a guacamole. Then it's an avocado dip. It's not guacamole. Oh, well. I think you just have to have avocado or mac and cheese to make it a guacamole.
If you like that, I'm- And you said two, right? I said two, so- Because I usually make my guacamole with two avocados. Yeah, I make mine with eight.
I make a lot of guacamole. Wow, that's a lot of guacamole. It's too much. That is a lot. It's the same space, but it just, there's eight avocados jammed in there.
For a party or for you and your boyfriend? For, I will make some to go and go to a party, and then the rest is just for me.
How fast do you have to eat that? Because that gets brown. Because you've got to eat that real fast. I mean, like- You put a little lime in there. Three, four days. I do put a lot of lime, a little bit of lemon.
It keeps. It's too much, but it's good. This has given me a lot to think about. I'm gonna stick with Siobhan.
All right, that's fair. That's totally fair, right?
I'm gonna take a look at this. I'm gonna lean back away from the mic. Not looking.
Very good. 11. Green. The Trans-Siberian Railroad. All right, this is gonna be very hard. The question was, can fish feel pain? He said 11 green and the Trans-Siberian Railroad. Is that correct? Yes, correct. Scale from one to 10, fish feel an 11.
They live their lives in agony. That's why they swim in schools trying to hide.
I can kind of by answering a yes or no, this particular yes or no question with a number. Gosh, 11 green. Well, a green, you could give like a- Yeah, like a sickness shot. Or like a red light, green light kind of thing.
It's just like a pure binary yes, no. What about mine, Jeff? What about my answer? The answer is listed and it's just yes. Yes.
Oh, that makes me sad. Yeah, well, I don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you. I think this one's gonna go to Ryan for, I think that- But Chavon didn't even get to defend herself.
Well, but did you hear what she's saying? What'd you say?
The Trans-Siberian Railroad.
Oh, okay. But then we're all in agreement. That doesn't make any sense at all. I think green, I think, you know, green can mean like keep going, can mean yes, can mean the affirmative. I'm gonna say that point goes to Ryan for green. Thank you for interpreting it the way that I meant for you to interpret it. Great. I remember.
Yikes. Okay, Jess. I thought I saw a putty tag.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Okay, let's see. I'm trying to think of categories of answers that we haven't hit yet. I'm going to say. You're supposed to just be getting the psychic message. Oh, right. Sorry, let me try this again. Experts disagree, but some people think Beethoven. Yeah. I'm going to say daily use contact lenses. What's the question? We were all right. Yes, the question is, in US dollars. All right.
What was the total cost of the Spanish-American War?
Was it 11? Yeah, maybe your name's just one question ahead. I'm in the future, so as you know. But you did say, I thought I saw a putty tab. Now, I will say that experts do disagree about this. I did leave room for the possibility that someone might think the answer was Beethoven, and other people might think that the answer was a higher figure in dollar amounts. Oh, yeah, I didn't hear that part. Yes.
And what kind of contact lenses were you talking about? Daily use. Use them once, and then you throw them away. I will say that Beethoven is perhaps, if you were to try to buy each of these things, Beethoven might be. I mean, daily use contact lenses absolutely could be a form of currency. How much, I guess, how many years of daily use contact lenses would you have to buy to match the cost of this? Of the Spanish-American War. Well, if you're using them every day, so if they're using them every day, they're like, what, $2 a day? And so that's $700 a year. So let's say 100 years of daily use contact lenses, which would be an inefficient thing to buy all at once, as they do only last for a couple of years before they decay.
Siobhan just did talk herself into a type of currency that I have to say is not the number that's on this card, but it's the closest thing to me. Hey, I can't really defend Beethoven here, so I'm fine.
All of our answers were bad. We're pretty bad, yeah.
I'm hoping that one of us gets one perfect before this game is over. I'm going to give it to Siobhan.
Even though the real answer was $283 million. Jesus, that's too much money for a war that somebody made up.
All right, get ready, everybody. I'm sending out. All right, you read it? OK, I'm ready. OK. You want to go fast, Jess? Kelly Clarkson, since you've been gone. All right.
Apollo 11. Apollo Creed.
I mean, honestly, all of these are excellent answers, because the question is, how do you stand out in a job interview? So I don't know, I feel like I am torn. Because it's also like, there's no specification here about what type of job interview it is. Because if you're going into a job interview for a music industry job, it's different from if you're going into NASA. Although I do think any interview you enter, if you sing since you've been gone, people will remember that. Yeah, I mean, honestly, that is what I think. I think that that is a way to stand out in an interview.
Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm going to give it to you. Positively or negatively. Since you've been gone. I take it back. I take it all back. That was really sweet of it. All right, you want to give us a hand here? All right. Am I starting this one again? Oh, I'll start.
Manchester United. 15. Two steps to the left.
Who won the World Series in 2017? Oh, you at least got a sports team. I mean, look, I got a sports team.
Yeah, we have a noun. So I'm going to say the noun words. All right, I think she was closer to just being a noun. But sure, yeah.
What is the Manchester? I don't know what it is.
It's a football team. It's an English soccer team, if you will. Or a football team, as you would correctly say.
I'll translate for sure. Thank you. Thank you so much. You're the chicken side. I know. I'm gobbling my words. I'll make them better.
Siobhan has two. Oh, none of us were counting. I don't know if you're keeping track.
All right. Paul, who's winning? Cool. All right.
I've got it here. I've got my question. I'm beaming it out into the ether. And hey, you're seeing this after the fact. But post an answer if you've got it. If you've got the answer, we'll go back to the, we'll check the time codes and see if anyone got something. Tweet directly at Mike Trapp whenever you need it. It's not my handle, so actually you can do that.
OK, Jess. Lavender. All right. Eight glasses of water daily. OK. Incorrect. All right, the question was, what's the next big thing in tech? So we have lavender, eight glasses of water daily.
Incorrect. And incorrect. I don't think I can give it to incorrect.
Lavender sounds like it could be like a homeopathic. Yeah. It does feel like tech is subverting the essential oil industry. Oh, I was even going to say like a raspberry pie kind of thing. Oh, this is our new operating system. We're calling it lavender. It's spelled like L-V-N-D-R. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I meant, too.
I was more so getting it like a hydropowered future where you run your house by using a glass of water daily. Soylent is too inefficient now, and people are just drinking water. If you just drink enough of it, you get enough calories.
I'm going to say Jess gets the point, and hopefully we see lavender hit the market soon. What was the answer? That there isn't one here. But I think if you got it, the actual answer is? What would the next, yeah. Magnolia. Jeff Bezos, Jr. Wow. That's a small thing, isn't it? Yeah. OK. We got it out there. Who's going first? Oh, it is a sandwich.
Oscar winner Dustin Hoffman.
The Rachel. Oh, I love the Rachel.
The question being, the Pulitzer Prize is awarded by which institution? What is the answer? The answer is Columbia University. Oh, I didn't know that.
It's not the Rachel. It's actually the Rachel is a New York institution.
Dustin Hoffman went to Columbia University.
Is that true, or are you just full of shit? No, I don't know. I believe it just as much as you believe it. And what did you say?
And a sandwich is a type of newspaper. A newspaper is a type of sandwich. And a Rachel is a type of sandwich. Pick a sandwich. I'm hungry.
No, I can't. I was going to figure out how to defend the Rachel. No. They'll probably make a movie with Dustin Hoffman and Pulitzer Prize. I do feel like, Paul, are you reading a book about the Spanish-American War, that you got Pulitzer and the Spanish-American War in these questions? No, I don't have any connection. I think I could be wrong in this. Oh, no, don't sue me.
You remember the main, that whole jam, all the yellow. Yeah, that was Pulitzer and his yellow journalism. Yeah, doesn't happen. And then he was like, I'm going to create a- Maybe Paul's the psychic one. Oh, yeah. Maybe Paul's getting messages from the past. From Pulitzer.
I died, and now people must remember my name. Please, tell them to remember me.
Specifically through this prize and not anything that I did in my real life. It's got to go to Jess. All right. Oh, my god. I don't think I've gotten a single one. I'm racking them up. Yeah, where's everybody at? Truly, I think 203. Now that I'm in it, I'm a little more competitive. I really hope that- Here's the thing. None of us are particularly competitive people.
This is just a fun time. I'm just having a fun time with my friends. This is nice.
All right. I hope one of us gets this last one, like perfectly. All right, I'm going to really try my best. Ooh, all right.
I'm zooming it in. Zoom it in. You're zooming it out there.
The survivors of the Titanic. Ivory. Triceratops. Well, the question is, how much does the human brain weigh?
I think the conclusion that we've come to is that none of us are in fact psychic, which is bullshit. I feel like I would like to be psychic.
Well, we'll keep trying this until we get one right, and that will be enough proof that we are. Yes, confirmation bias. You can get 800 wrong, and as long as you get one right, then that's fine. The rules of astrology. All right, well, I don't know where the final score wound up on that, but it definitely wasn't me. I feel like girls' role, boys' roles is the. That's fair. I can get more with that.
All right, well, we're going to do a little rejected sketch theater. Now, this is a sketch that was written that did not get greenlit for one reason or another, and so now we will read it before you radio play, and you will see a sketch that never was and probably never will be. Let's see, I'll go ahead and grab it. While I pass these out, this was written by Siobhan Thompson. Yes, me. Siobhan, you want to give us the briefest of intros before we jump into this? So the reason that this was rejected is that I'm a misunderstood artist who writes sketches that are going to cost a million dollars. And what is the title of the sketch?
The title of the sketch is Tomb Raider Reboot Trailer. So I have an archaeology degree, and very briefly, to be an archaeologist, I realized very quickly that it was not the career for me because it's not at all glamorous and mostly modern measuring. And I wrote this as the new Tomb Raider movie was coming out as a more accurate depiction of what it is like to be an archaeologist.
Did you watch that movie? I did. I watched it recently. Did you like it?
No. Was it like this? Not in any way. But actually, the archaeological stuff was not the reason that I just like that movie.
Do you want to cast this so that we can connect to it? Yeah, sure. Ryan, would you like to read stage directions? You got it. There's a lot of people in this, actually.
We could just sort of pick up if we could have maybe an assigned Lara Croft and an assigned stage direction, and Jess and I can pick a one. Why don't I play Lara Croft?
Cool. And then, I think, well, maybe it's actually just Professor? Professor, archaeologist, and Winston. OK, I'll take Winston. Jess, what do you want? I'll take Professor.
Millions of dollars. The first line immediately is like we can't afford this. Just note, this costs a lot of money.
Please continue. Darkness, a crack of lightning illuminates Lara Croft's text, you've seen her in action. A second lightning crack illuminates her braid. Text, now go back. A third crack illuminates her pulling a trowel out of her belt. Text to where she began.
The lights come up to reveal she is on an archaeological dig. Lara Croft? Yes, you're in trench three? Archaeology.
Somebody pass me a pen and pencil. Someone throws her a pen and pencil.
We quick zoom on on her face. I'm ready to accurately draw this 18th century drainage ditch. From the producers of The Dark Knight, Lara Croft spins a staff, plunges it into the ground, then positions it so someone at a surveying machine can take a reading. They get it and give each other a thumbs up. And the writers of an article about scientific method that you pretended to have read in college. Close on Lara Croft's face, there's the sound of something being pulled out of a holster. Pull out to reveal it's actually a measuring tape.
Comes the grittiest reboot ever. Lara and an archaeological, and an archaeologist, Laura and an archaeologist rub dirt between their fingers.
It's sandy silt. No, it's silty sand. No, it's sandy silt. Silty sand.
They look for a moment as if they're about to fist fight.
You mislabel the soil type in this drainage ditch over my dead body. Ben Whishaw is Winston Smith. Winston Smith lays out an old map. This map seems to show that the drainage ditch didn't exist in 1750.
This is huge. He leans in for a kiss. She ignores him, intent on the map. Paul Bettany as the professor. The professor pulls a piece of cheese wire taut between his hands, creeps forward, and then leans down and ties the wire between two nails stuck in the ground on either side of the ditch. Make sure that's level before you measure down, all right?
And Alicia, I'll never get the candor, as Lara Croft. Lara Croft's face is illuminated by the fact that she, by a find that she is, I'm so sorry. Lara Croft's face is illuminated by a find that she is brushing away, brushing earth away from.
I found it, the key. A bunch of shadowy-looking Tomb Raider villains' heads peek over the edge of the trench. The light dims. We see it's a shabby-looking clay pipe. To unlocking the exact year that this ditch was filled in. The villains grumble off. An ultra-fast montage of boring archeology things, brushing a piece of pottery, seething dirt, maticating, putting vines in bags, drying contacts, et cetera. The picture changes in time to be very exciting, triumphalist, military music. Silence, blackness, Tomb Raider, the origin. Guns shooting, pull out to reveal it's on the screen that the professor is playing a game on. They're in a damp-looking tent.
Did it stop raining yet? No. Dum-dum.
Lovely, that is Tomb Raider origins. Yeah, archeology is, I also did some archeology, which is a weird thing. It is, one of the many strange things that we have in common. And yeah, it's mostly tedium. It's a lot of squatting in a hole and brushing dirt off things.
You get a very specific, weird set of very strong muscles and then other places. You have no abs because you're either shoveling or squatting all the time, but there's nothing that you're doing with your abs. So everybody has a little pot belly and then ultra-strong arms and these thick legs. And then you get very weird tan lines because you're wearing boots the whole time. So your tan goes from the end of your shorts to the top of your boots and then a weird crack on the back of your back where the T-shirt rides up above your pants. And so you get this weird little archeology line.
Just like Laura Croft. Real hot. It really is, it's bad for you physically.
What made you want to be an archeologist? I was lied to by television. Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park is paleontology and that's very different. I wanted to be a paleontologist when I was little.
Indiana Jones was a big part of it. And then also on TV in England, there's a lot of archeology on TV and yes. Yeah, they do. It's 80% of British British. Honestly, there is a lot of archeology TV. And it's a lot of like, we have three days to dig up this Roman temple.
But they're just all so sweet. I realized when I was there, oh, I went to the university where they shoot a lot of this stuff. I just want to be on television.
This has nothing to do with it. I do find archeology really, really interesting. And what's fun about it is it is a puzzle and you get to really see how real people lived. It's not just this great man of history stuff. It's like, oh, let's turn this column around. And there's a Romans drawn a picture on the back of the column showing the apprentice how to fit the column together. That kind of shit is very cool. Well, archeology is one of the many jobs that when it's depicted in media, it's like, oh, it seems very cool because you're also only getting the most interesting slices of it, where it's like, oh, where you find the thing in the ground. It's like, that's cool. And when you make the connection of this thing is actually that thing or solving the puzzle.
And you find it before Nazis do. And before Nazis do, which is always great. But yeah, then, you know, it doesn't necessarily fit.
Yeah, I also never found anything interesting. I think if I'd found something cool, I would have been more likely to keep doing it. We found cool shit on the one thing that I was on. The one day I did. Basically, I took no credit for it. I found a hole along that side. I was there as the dumb ass intern, basically, being like, I don't know what I'm doing here.
It was like, I went into college convinced that I was gonna go into molecular biology. And first biology class I took was like, oh, oh no, these people love protein complexes.
And I don't really care about them. I gotta find something else fast.
So it was just flipping through course catalog and circling anything that looked interesting and then just counting up, what did I circle the most of? It was like, oh, Anthro. And took the next Anthro class I could just to test it out. And it was an archeology class on the Aztecs.
After that class was over, I just went to the professor and was like, hi, I just kind of stumbled in this. I don't really know if this is what I wanna do, but it seems cool and I just kinda like, I just wanna dive as deeply into it so I can get a sense of if this is right for me. Because I'm flailing right now. And through weird happenstance, I just happened to align with this guy who's going to Peru and doing this big survey of Cusco. And so I was there as just like, I'm the dumb ass undergrad who doesn't know how to take care of myself, let alone do anything that's going on here. So I like bopped around through all the teams there and we, they like, there was one day I was like, okay, go join so and so out there on her test pit.
And they- She was a woman the whole time. The whole time, can you read it? Wow.
It's a lot of women in archeology. A lot of very strong women, physically. Lots of women digging. I got to get into archeology.
A strong side. Big fucking side. And a weird tan line. Yeah, damn.
But yeah, we drove out there. She had been out there the day before and was like, it's like, oh, this is like, the site looks great. This is going to be great. I found a lot of like surface artifacts. I think this is going to be really good. And then as you drive out there, she's like looking at the bus window.
She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And where before, the day before there had been a field, there was now a football pitch or a soccer field, just translated. And like, she like ran down there and was like grabbed the first person nearby. It was like, hi, what happened here? What was going on? They're like, oh yeah, it's our new football pitch. Isn't it great? It's like, no, what happened to the field?
Yeah, it's really cool. We got this now. It's like, did you find anything? Like, oh yeah, tons of stuff. The machines broke a lot of them, but I've got some things in my house. So she had to like at the last minute just like find a new place to test pit. So it was just like this meter by meter. It's like, okay, I think this will work. We'll dig here. And we found two human remains. Jesus. And a bunch of other things. It was like, oh.
How old? Old, but I don't remember. Like, no, it wasn't a recent murder. You became crime detective. My God, when did he die? It just turns into like an episode of CSI, but we're solving a thousand year old murder.
And falling in love. Yeah, you gotta fall in love. If you're gonna find a body, you might as well fall in love.
That's what they say. That's what it really is.
So yeah, like that was exciting, but it ultimately was just sort of like, it's like I don't have the patience for any of this. Yeah, but also like again, I just had such bad luck. Like, the main dig that my university was doing was at Barkley Castle in Gloucestershire, which is so much history happened there.
Edward II was murdered there. Our only gay king was murdered. That we know of. The only openly gay king that we had, and he was murdered with a red-hot poker up his butt by somebody that his wife hired, very cool, very hot.
And then also they invented the smallpox vaccine there. The same day. It's the same day, pretty much the same day.
And then there was a guy called the 8th Earl who was just this crazy old rich guy who spent so much money that he sort of, not bankrupt his family, but made them not, they were the richest family in England kind of level. Like you could walk from Barkley Castle to Barkley Square in London on the Barkley land and never step off it, like one of those kinds of families. And he spent so much money just to fuck with people because he wanted to add more shit to the castle.
So he would go to Spain and buy a cannon and then bury it. So like somewhere on the grounds, there's a Spanish cannon.
You don't know why. And so like, and he kept no records of it. medium for gophers. Sorry, why did he bury the cannon? Just to fuck with future archeologists? It's baffling, the choices that he made. And in the castle, it's like not clear what stuff is original and what stuff is 8th Earl.
And anyway, so when I was digging, we found nothing. We truly found absolutely nothing.
And then the next year when they were digging, they found the full smallpox experience. It was like, I mean, actually very dangerous because smallpox is a horrifying disease that we've wiped out, but there's still the potential for it to be infectious.
Yeah. All these 18 year olds wandering around throwing bones at you. Juggling bones. I mean, that is kind of like when we... You juggled though? You juggled. I juggled.
I'm sure to be fair, the University of Bristol Archaeological Department was very respectful of those smallpox bones. I remember like, almost her maids of like, one of the guys who were like, because we were working with a lot of like local, like a local people getting their degree there too. And I didn't speak much Spanish. And that was, that was what they, they only spoke. And so there were a lot of like moments with like us just kind of trying to communicate to each other, just be friendly with each other. And like, I remember like we felt like we were, when we were like brushing with the bones, one of them was like, he was like holding up and like just trying to, you know, just kind of like being friendly and holding up. I just remember at one point he goes, ah, it's Pollo!
I go, I go, I go, I go.
I was like, oh, that's so inappropriate, but it is very funny. That's all good comedy.
Well, with the time we have left, why don't we, why don't we answer some questions? These are questions that came to us from the Dropout Discord, questions from Dropout subscribers to us. I may have answered some of these already just from hanging out there. So I might, I might hang back a little bit if they're things that I've answered already.
Sure. So first question is, you touched on this question in the last episode, but didn't answer it properly. Whoa. Oh, not easy. Pulling it out. Oh, you wrote that. Oh, this is call out culture gone wild. Okay. But I like it. I was gonna, I thought it was like, all right, this is like really hammering home.
Like this is very important. This is very important.
What is the food situation in the office? Oh my God. I thought this was a real thing. It's here. We eat it. Yeah, this food. Yeah, maybe it wasn't touched on that much because there's not that much. We have snacks, your regular chips and apples. We have as many La Croix as you want. There was some delicious tiny little white nectarines today. Oh, yes. Felt like a real little bougie snack. I think maybe, maybe there's like a sense that like, because we're like kind of a tech company that like, maybe we have some sort of like Google ask private chef here that's doing some fancy.
It's a very public chef that works. My days do get breakfast tacos and I think about them all weekend and I love them so much. I think whoever picks them up, they're just the best. I love them and I love the person that picks them up. Breakfast tacos are. On days that we film because we can't leave if you have like a longer shoot day, they'll cater lunch and they always keep everybody's dietary needs in mind and it's always wonderful and I'm very grateful.
Did we answer it properly? What's the right answer? Is this a test? Paul, why have you read it for the test?
What do you want us to say that we haven't said hot Cheetos? Those hot Cheetos. There are sometimes, I'm a Cheetor on this.
I like it. The fucking pork rinds. I love it. The pork rinds.
It only happens every now and again and it's very fun. You know, and I love when we have the string cheese. Oh, yeah. I do love a string cheese. It's fun. It's fun to make food fun.
I like things that I wouldn't buy on my own but if you're here, I'm like, ooh, all right, let's do it. Sure, I'll do it. Let's get into it.
Yeah. Well, great. Here's a question from Jason M Bryant. Did you ever write a sketch or I would say direct a sketch that you weren't sure would do well but then the fan reaction was great. Oh. The period sketch that I wrote just because, thank you so much. Star Wars is Kelly Marie Tran is in it. Do you wanna give a quick one line, log line? Oh, yeah. So it was like a direct to camera. We're explaining what periods are.
They're not actually that gross but then just fake horrifying facts about it. Buckets of blood. It's like full buckets of blood.
And I was just, I mean, I was a little worried about that because most of our audience are 14 year old boys. And the other thing is too, there is such a comedy thing of like, oh, if women talk about this, you're so hack or you're so like, or at least maybe it used to be, I think maybe dying down now. Lady comedians always talking about that period.
Yeah, yeah. I had also very bad strep throat that day and had a fever of like 103 and was in the YouTube space like, oh, I have to speak. I have to lift up the spunket of blood. Am I in hell?
I didn't have high hopes for How Tall Is Grant. Oh yeah, that sketch was like just for us. Yeah, like I wrote that going like, this is a sketch about a production specific, like a thing that happens in the act of filming a sketch that maybe one or two people have noticed and is about a specific cast member and a boring fact about them. And I was like, I wanna do this because I think it'll be fun.
It's like, no one's gonna care about this. This will be nothing.
It was a magic trick. People like magic. All the Americans got talents. Aren't they all magicians? Yeah. Those Americans got a lot of talent. Mostly magic related. Mostly magic ones.
For me, it was the mom friend of the group. It was the first one that I kind of did that I was like, I had written some before that had done well, but that was the first one that I had starred in. And I was just very anxious like, would people like it or like me? All the things that I'm kind of anxious about as a human. You want people to like you, and especially when you're there with your name.
Yeah, yeah. I'm representing myself. This is an opinion that I have. Yeah, which is especially like in comedy where you're like, hello world. Here's something I think is funny. I made it.
Goodbye. Please don't eviscerate.
But I love the way Sammy directed it. Sammy Cohen's one of our directors. Sammy's awesome, and I also love always working with Ryan.
You don't have to say that just because I'm here. But I really need you, but I do though. You don't have to say it like that.
Ryan, what about you? I do, Ryan.
I might feel weirder for you if you're saying like, I didn't think this would do well and it's not something you wrote. Well, there was one that like, I think there was like a little bit of skepticism when Zach pitched it because at the time, I think we were like, is this relatable? It's the Tide Bods video. So I shared that because I didn't have a strong opinion.
Well, because also Zach pitched that my first week of working at College Humor and then several times along the way. He pitched it at least twice. Or the first time he pitched it, I was like, I don't understand exactly what you're pitching right now. And then the fact that he pitched his second one's like, you believe strongly in this idea.
So whatever, like you have some vision for it that I don't see, so go get her. Well, I think, and then, yeah, because I think it was like for a long time you'd had that and it was sort of like floating out there like on Twitter and I would see things now and then and it was like, I think by the time it came out, there were like a bunch of memes already sort of surrounding it and I think some of the gratifying stuff was like getting Zach to eat those and that was like, it's fun to watch somebody eat them without like being totally disgusted because it was just icing. It was great. I mean, it's still pretty gross. It's the sketch that people talk about me with. Like when I see like friends I haven't seen in a while, or friends in college or whatever, more often than not, if they like reference a video, a College Humor video that they've seen, it's like, oh, that Tide Pods video. It was like beyond that too, it was just like a fun, different type of sketch that was just like a lot of Zach on his own like admiring Tide Pods and like just getting lost in the beauty of them or so, you know. It was like a little experimental and that was super fun. Yeah.
If you could bring back one old cast member to shoot a video with, who would it be and what kind of sketch would they be in? I mean, I, weirdly, because he is a friend of mine, and I've never worked with Josh Rubin, and I feel like that would be, it would just be super fun to play an idiot with Josh Rubin. Yeah, it's the pair of idiots being idiots. He's such a fucking good idiot, that I just feel like that would be so fun.
Yeah. For sure. Yeah.
Yeah, Josh is great. I really like Pat too. We had like just missed each other as he was leaving, I was coming.
I don't know what the sketch would be about. Oh yeah, well the sketch will figure it out. Probably just a little aspect of life that we exaggerate and, you know, I hope that people relate to it. I mean, yeah, I guess that is a little bit annoying.
Hit it three times, get out the door. Yeah, bing, bang, boom, bing, bang, boom, bing, baby. I know, it's time to go home. Put a button to thumbnail, let's go home. Then I go watch a dog train a video and shut my eyes and get there.
I did answer this on the Discord, but I'll answer it here as well, but Owen and I are very good friends from college, but we never overlapped on the video team because like when he left the video team is when I came on. So even though we were very good friends and we've done stuff together and we've done comedy things together in college, we've never actually been in a college humor video together even though we both did the job for a couple years. I think it would be very fun to be able to do a video with Owen, yeah. I'm, I was gonna say Dan because I used to watch way back when, but I did get to work with, I got to work with him on Tinder profile picture. Oh yeah, he came in for a day to do one Pete Courage show. But I would also say Josh, because one of my favorite sketches is still the crazy.
The woman who's afraid of owls. It's so hard to not want to do a sketch like that knowing that we shouldn't do anything like that again because it's like immaculate as is.
I also would love to do a very Mary Kate. I just love that series so much and it was like something that I watched in college, which is wild because they're the same age as me. Fuckers. But yeah, I loved very Mary Kate so much. Yeah, that was great.
Last question here is kind of more of a process or like kind of just a technical question, but do specific cast members get to pick or ask to be contestants on each other's dropout shows? For example, with Ally being on, actually so many times before they clear, because they clearly love the show. Who decides? Who decides casting? Who decides who's in shows and sketches and things?
It's just like everybody turns up and then it's like a battle royale situation. Yeah, yeah, we each get one weapon that we choose from the cornucopia. I'm proficient in trident, so I try to get there first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if someone gets that trident, that's so pretty good, I don't know. You know me crossbow, baby.
Crank it up, load that whole plan. Bing, ding, ding, ding, ding. Lost in their chest, you're like, you're in a sketch now. Go into a tree, see me next week. Yeah, I don't know, I mean, I feel like the people who are on Um, actually, are on it because they know about nerd shit, like Grant O'Brien will never be on Um, actually, unless we do a musical theater. We're going to do a musical theater.
Oh, yeah. I'm so excited to beat Grant O'Brien. I love that.
Just making the thing that is dorky a little wider. I mean, theater stuff is so dorky. It is so dorky, and it's like something, like from the very beginning, like it was things that we talked, there was a topic we talked about, it was like, we don't wanna be like the gatekeepers of what is nerdy. We don't wanna have to try to define that. But it is like, it is strange when you're trying to cast the show then, because musical theater is one of the nerdiest things out there, and the people who are, if you nerd out about musical theater, you have that same obsession, quoting shit, making ranked lists of favorite things. And also, actually, that's the off-Broadway production. When they transferred to Broadway, this person was different. Right, it's the same core obnoxious behavior. It totally belongs here, but you don't always have the same overlap of people who know a shit ton about musical theater, and people who know a shit ton about Lord of the Rings, or something, you know? It's just me. Yeah. Sometimes they do over life. Well, because it just doesn't attract a similar type. And it's also like musical theater has a weirdly similar thing to nerd stuff in that it is storytelling that's mathematical. There's a lot of weirdly, because music is mathematical, I think that that attracts a lot of people to it.
And it's storytelling once removed in a similar way of like, I can attach myself to this character because it's not just like a slice of life. It's they're doing something weird, and so I can attach myself to them more. It's an easy identity thing of like, it's like, I like this, and that says something about me, just the fact that I do like this. And also, now we can talk about it somewhere.
I mean, I would kill out of Sex and the City, actually, if you ever did it. Oh, yeah. I would murder. Wow. And what could be dorkier than like a 13-year-old girl like waiting to watch HBO at night to see like a couple of boobs? Get it on there. That's so funny. There were definitely a couple of boobs every episode. Oh, yeah, Samantha. Yeah. Give them. Every time. Yeah. Turn around, she's a brunch, fully boobs-like. That was just Samantha, though. Yeah. I guess I could say this, whatever.
No one hold me to this, but I will say that the plan is we're gonna have a couple of themed episodes out, and we might also have a classic TV episode. I wasn't specifically planning on Sex and the City, but maybe not. I feel like, yeah, 90s TV, you did like Friends, The Simpsons, and Sex and the City.
Yeah. Yeah?
Yeah, well, I know like Rekha, for instance, just like knows shit. Oh, yeah, she just knows Frasier off by heart. She can like just reference, one of the weirdest stupid human tricks I've considered, is she knows the birthdays of like Beanie Babies? Like you give her the name of Beanie Babies, she'll tell you what birthdays it is.
That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever had. It's like, I need to harness this somehow, because that is the nerdiest fucking thing. But it's like, I can't bring you one on to actually ask you 10 questions about Doctor Who, and then ask you what Humphrey's birthday is. And I'm like, that's the craziest thing ever.
That's wild, because there are members of my family whose birthdays I don't know. Yeah, and I consider myself to be pretty good knowing when people's birthdays are. Sure. Well, I think Rekha has the thing about remembering people's birthdays in general. Birthdays in general, so that just means she assigns a certain amount of value to those Beanie Babies, they're special.
Aw, that's sweet. Well, that is it for our questions. That's it for our show. Thank you for watching.
You can see more. Why don't we do more? I don't know, I don't have my shit together here. Well, for right now, these are coming out every other week. There'll be a different mix-up over our cast members next time. If you have questions, you can ask them on the Dropout Discord.
And I think that's it. Yeah. Bye. Hey, it's Mike Trapp.
You know, if you wanna talk to the cast and crew here, you can at the exclusive Dropout Discord. It's a great place for behind-the-scenes content. And if you like behind-the-scenes, check this out. |
dropout | Climate_Change_is_the_Ultimate_Birth_Control | Hey ladies, are you guys happy with your birth control? I hate having to take mine every day. And it seems like so many aren't 100% effective. Well, I'm on a new birth control, and it really works.
Really? What is it? It's called climate change. Climate change? What's that? Climate change is the significant changes in our Earth's atmosphere caused by pollution, ultimately leading to the destruction of our planet.
If we do nothing. Sounds complicated. How's it work? Oh, it's simple.
Climate change releases an existential dread throughout your entire being, making you question whether it's ethical to have children at all in this seemingly doomed world. Now that seems too horrible to be true.
Oh, trust me ladies. It's very true. Well, I think the science is still out. It's not. Is it like those other birth controls I have to take every day? Oh no. Climate change is just one giant pill you have to swallow. But is it 100% effective? Oh, it is.
Because unlike other birth controls, climate change removes the question of reproduction all together. I haven't had sex in forever. What's the point? But wait, what if you want to have kids someday? I'll just adopt. It says here that climate change may result in the melting of the Arctic, the destruction of the Amazon rainforest, and the demise of all civilization as we know it by 2050. Isn't it all just cyclical?
It's not. I don't know. I like it a little warmer.
Did she say 2050? That's so soon. If I have kids now, by 2050, they'll be 30. I'm about to be 30.
I don't want to live in that world. Do I want to force my children to?
Uh-uh, ladies. Looks like it's working already. Cheers!
Side effects of climate change include extreme heat, heavy downpours, flooding, increased wildfires, worldwide displacement, insect outbreaks, food and water scarcity, just to name a few. Climate change is available everywhere, all the time. Climate change may not be effective if you are a CEO of an oil company, fossil fuel lobbyist, or politician bribed by a fossil fuel lobbyist. Call your senator or congressperson if climate change isn't right for you.
Now I'm in control of my life. Or what little is left of it anyway. Hey, it's Jess.
There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe and it gets you. It's hot. It's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. Buy land, I guess. Oh, God. |
cracked | when_you_can_t_find_the_funeral_a_video_by_simple_town | Guys, I think we're like an hour late.
Try that way. That way.
I see something. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Where is it? Hey Greg, if you get this call just call me back because we can't find the spot. Michael Nolan says, talk in a minute. Guys! Okay, let's stop. Let's assess the terrain.
Higgins, Lucy, Newberry. These people died in the 19th century guys. This person died two weeks ago.
It's not organized by century, it's organized by what you can afford. Are you serious? It's organized by class. Are you serious?
That's how cemeteries are organized. That's why the rich people have the big houses. The mausoleum. That is so dystopian. That's like an episode of Black Mirror. We have to cover ground. Huh. Let's go this way.
Whoa.
Ugh. Fuck.
Let's go this way. I've had a lot of loss in my life.
Grandparents. I've got no grandparents. Me neither. I don't have grandparents.
I think it's just so hard to lose someone, especially like your dad. If a boy, your dad, if a girl, your mom is hard.
I think it would be the hardest for me if like I died. Well if you died you wouldn't care. If you died you wouldn't care.
That's what I don't get. My girlfriend had a cat before I knew her and he died right before I met her. Oh my god.
Like my mom and I we were in a Home Depot parking lot and we were like, where's our car? Where's our car? We can't find our car.
So that's an example of a loss. We should probably get back to it, right? Yeah. I feel like we haven't tried that side yet. We're never going to find this funeral. You guys want to go that way? You know there's like a bar thing after the ceremony where. Yeah. What are you guys going to wear to it?
I have these like nice like basketball shorts. Oh I love that. Can I touch that? This nice like shirt. So like just imagine like this like yeah and I brought this chain so it's like the sunglasses like and there's going to be like have this right. That is nice. I was going to wear these shorts. Oh they're nice. They're not too long. Like I have like these shorts and then I was thinking like this. Nice like a nice like red. So it's sort of like hey. So what I'm wearing is like they have this like kind of floral mode shorts.
Whoa. Nice. And then I brought all these bracelets. Whoa. No way.
I was going to wear this chain with the sunglasses and you have the bracelets. Do you guys all have an outfit underneath? You didn't bring a change? No I thought we'd be wearing this. I think we'll have to style this like if you just like cuff cuff your pants and then if you just if you hold the jacket like over your shoulder.
Yep. Whoa. That's perfect. Yes. I've seen something like this. You look awesome. I love that. It's very bold. Oh it's a pink guy.
I put this on you. Being late. The death. No seriously. I put it on you. No. Everything is on you. Sam! He hit me.
What the hell? Are you serious? You're getting crazy. You're being crazy. What the hell are you doing?
We should just be grateful that we're all alive. Was this like that before or did we knock it over? I think we did. I think we might have did that when we were fighting. I think there's something narcissistic about wanting to be buried.
Guys. I think it's this one. It's got the same name on the invitation. Oh my god. Well where is everyone? You know what? The thing was like three hours ago.
No. I'm sorry.
I'm looking. I just checked the invitation again.
You got the time wrong? I got the time wrong by three hours.
I think we could still make it to the bar if we wanted to go. You think? Me too. I think it's still going probably if we wanted to go. I want to make it to the bar. Yeah. Let's go. I really want to slow off my health. I think we should go. Are there going to be like little bites at this thing? The bar is a gastropub. |
dropout | you_re_eating_garbage_all_nighter | College Humor's All Nighter! Hey guys, mind if Adam hops aboard the Lunchtime Express? Choo choo!
You know what I mean? Oh, are you guys really eating that garbage? What? We're eating lunch. That stuff is garbage. Like you're essentially eating garbage right now. You know that, right? Here we go. Don't be such a health nut, Adam. What? If you guys knew what was in that garbage then you'd probably stop eating it too.
Not all food needs to be gourmet. Uh, gourmet? I don't even consider what you're eating to be food right now. I'm not. Yo, that stuff doesn't even come from a farm. It comes from a factory. Oh, okay, fine. So it's not organic.
I like it. Emily likes it. Katie likes it. This raccoon that snuck in loves it.
So where's the harm? The harm is that it's poison. You're literally drinking poison right now. Oh, soda. MSG. This stuff. Is there anything that's not poison, Adam?
Uh, I don't know. Grass-fed beef. Cage-free eggs. Ever heard of them?
That fancy stuff's too expensive. This garbage, as you insist on calling it, costs basically nothing. Besides, it's not like we're forcing you to eat it.
Yeah, but just looking at it is grossing me out. You know, the people who handle this garbage, they don't even wash their hands. Ew, Adam, that's disgusting. I'm sorry, you know, I guess I just don't like seeing my friends do this to themselves.
You know, try this. Instead of this garbage, try eating real food for a week. I bet you'll feel better.
Like, I'm eating this fresh sushi and this wheat, oh, yeah, no, yeah! Ah, get gummits. Now, what am I going to eat? Um, you want some of ours? No, I like to know where my food comes from.
Well, if you think about it, it's probably local. It's vegan. And eating it technically counts as recycling. Oh, that's a good point. Bon appetit. Oh, wait, that's broken glass. How do you uncede it? I swallowed half of it.
Subscribe! More videos! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_11_09_20 | Things are looking good right around the country when it comes to coronavirus, Melbourne's dropping by the day. The single COVID bubble's opening up on Monday in Victoria, so all those towie singles at home will be able to, you know, bit of slap and tickle coming up, a lot of that going on. Queensland's looking good, NT are opening up, The Borders and New South Wales are doing the same thing, WA, they haven't had coronavirus as an issue over there since I think March, so things are all looking good and here in Batutah we of course haven't had any community transmission for about 100 days.
Things are looking up. Things are looking up, heading into finals with the footy and in the studio with me of course is Errol Parker, editor at large, how are you Errol? Yeah good man. And Wendell Hussey, our news reader, the Peter Stefanovic of the Diamantina Shire. What's up first in the news today?
Well, the biggest story from our home state of Queensland, which was a comment from Anastasia Paliszczuk who said The Borders will remain closed until after the election when it's no longer an issue. One of the biggest issues right now though, whether Queensland should open up its border or not, and thankfully Anastasia has finally given some clarity. Yes that's right, the day after the election the border will be opening, so everyone who's up in arms about it will just have to wait until Anna beats whoever it is she has to beat.
Freckleton? Freckleton. Frecklington, Frecklington.
I don't even know when it is. Yeah well it's around the same time as that AFL grand final, so it's all looking good. Well after that election, that's when The Borders will be allowed to open again, and yeah look, all will be right in the world. Absolutely.
There you go, well we'll move on from one state political story to another. And the big one down in New South Wales is about John Barilaro trying to blow up the New South Wales government. And a farmer has agreed with him, saying yes, koalas, not feral pigs, or Chinese trade tariffs are our biggest issue. Yes he's not even fussed about coal seam gas or climate change either. Yes this farmer is really thankful that the deputy premier is trying to blow up a sitting government in the middle of a pandemic, saying that koalas are the biggest issue for him right now. Yes if you missed it, the New South Wales branch of the National Party tried to leave the coalition down there in New South Wales, forcing Gladys Berejiklian's hand on koala policy, which is a huge issue for primary producers, and one that everyone knew about. But they've since backed down after Gladys threatened to take their portfolios away from them and render them useless and much less paid.
Yeah I wonder what John Barilaro and his hair that looks like a sucked mango seed is going to do next Clancy? I wonder, I wonder, I mean he can always get a job as head of comms for the Canberra Raiders or something. He's always been a bit of an inner city gnat, much like our inner city prime minister and I guess our inner city premiers, right around the country. Small hands, small feet. I'm sure I worked something out, but a real gel on face moment there for John and we'll move on to a big international story which was about the Aboriginal Illuminati hosting a secret meeting to discuss the first mission for the uncle on the inside. That's right, Uncle Tony Abbott is back and he's currently infiltrating British government through his new trade advisory role to bring down the Commonwealth from the inside. Yes, the nameless leader of the organisation he works for called the New World Art he's told us. He's in there and he's about to cut the head off the snake that is British colonialism, so stay tuned. And we wrote another story down there in Sydney which was about a bloke who only leaves Sydney's North Shore for the SCG members offers his opinion on Queensland politics. Talking about Sky News commentator and failed radio funnyman Paul Murray of course, so yes I had to Google who this bloke was for your story Clancy, who has provided some unwanted advice to state premiers again this week, good on him. Yes again with the big school vice captain vibes from the man who could never really crack it on radio, never really got out from under Marty Sheargold's shadow, who for some reason thinks he's in touch with the common man and positions himself as a media outsider despite the fact he never leaves the franking credit belt of Sydney's North Shore unless he's been invited into the SCG members by Lachlan Murdoch or his good mate Timmy Wilson.
Let's finish up with some local news and it's a nice tale of overcoming adversity. A millennial suffering festival with Jorles has stood in the sun for 30 minutes to buy a $12 beer. Yes the young lady from the French Quarter down there, Absythe Garcon says it's been a tough year, so she decided to treat herself and set up her own festival experience. Quite a nice little thing she had going there, she put the speaker out the back, turned the hose on and created her own little mud bath while sporadically walking around her backyard and waiting in a queue for half an hour to buy a beer every hour. Sounds just like the real thing and apparently she didn't eat all weekend either. So I hope she had lots of fun, but that will do us for this week. Thanks for tuning in, we'll be back again in 7 days time to bring you all of the biggest stories from our humble regional newspaper. |
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