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TheOnion | Who_s_Fucking_Isaac_and_Doris | I first met Doris in July of 1959. He was just getting out of the service, and he was a very handsome man. But I was just 19, I wasn't looking for the one.
I asked her to the movies, North by Northwest, I seem to recall, but she said no. I was persistent though, and 55 years later, we're still fucking. When you've been boning the same special woman for as long as I have, you learn how to really turn her inside out with your rock hard cock. Since we've met, we've fucked thousands of times. But even today, there's nobody I'd rather have deep dicking me at night and fucking me again in the morning. People ask how we've lasted so long, and I say it's all about accepting change. When Doris was younger, she liked to be thrown around like a ragdoll. These days, she doesn't care what I do as long as I give her pussy the drilling it needs. On the other hand, he's still the same old Isaac. He loved coming on my tits 55 years ago, and he still does today.
Well hack if it ain't broke. The amazing thing is that we've been fucking each other senseless for so long that our kids are all growing up, and they're fucking people too. Jane is fucking John, Ashley's fucking Tim, Ross is fucking Lucille. They're all fucking very, very hard. My parents actually started fucking each other in 1927, and they continued banging in every conceivable position until my father died in 1977. I like to think that he taught me a little something about blowing my load in the same hole night after night. We want people to know how important it is to find someone to fuck. I mean really fuck the living shit out of. If you can do that for 55 years, I guess you're doing something right. |
SaturdayNightLive | airplane_snl | Afternoon Passengers: This is your captain speaking. Clear skies ahead. We should be landing in Newark in three hours.
You okay baby? Oh babe. I think the baby's coming. Oh my God. Excuse me everyone. My wife is in labor.
Is there a doctor on board? please? We need a doctor. Is anyone a doctor?
I'm a lawyer. What? That's not what we need. I'm just saying pretty good job. You know there's not. It's not doctor. Second best job is lawyer. Who cares if lawyers the second best job? Is anyone in here a doctor? Oh thank God. Oh, I'm not a doctor. I just wanted to say I don't think lawyer is the second best job.
Nobody cares right now. I care.
If lawyers not number two, then what is me? Gotta be engineer? Okay, let me guess. you're an engineer. No, I'm a lawyer. I just genuinely believe engineers number two.
All right. hold on. Hold on.
How is engineer number two? How is lawyer number two?
Well, being a lawyer is hard. Sometimes an innocent man goes to jail and then you don't get paid. I agree. Lawyer sounds hard and I should know. I also have a hard job. Thank you. What do you do?
I'm a teacher so I teach future lawyers and doctors. Any doctor, any kind of doctor. I'm a kind of doctor.
Okay, all right. let's do. Let's do a quick poll. So we all agree.
Doctor is number one. No, no doubt. no doubt. Then for number two, it's between lawyer and engineer.
Well, I think I have the hardest job of all. What do you do? I am a mother. okay. But in terms of real stuff, like jobs that actually pay money?
Well, I'm a pilot. I ferry hundreds of souls through the skies and I think that's the second best job. Wait, if you've been in the bathroom, who's flying the plane? Oh no. the autopilot. dumbass. Guess pilot is pretty easy. but not as easy as teacher.
Please can we get a doctor? There is no doctor? Okay, so the best thing for your wife right now is we figure out what the second best job is. Did someone ask for a doctor because that's my Halloween costume baby.
I think the baby's coming. Oh My. God. Excuse me everyone. My wife is in labor.
Is there a doctor on board? Please? We need a doctor. Is anyone a doctor?
I'm a lawyer. What? That's not what we need. I'm just saying pretty good job. You know if it's not, it's not doctor. Second best job is lawyer. Who cares If lawyers the second best job. Is anyone in here a doctor? Oh thank God. Oh, I'm not a doctor. I just wanted to say I don't think lawyer is the second best job. If lawyers not number two, then what is me? Gotta be engineer? Okay, let me guess you're an engineer. No, I'm a lawyer.
I just genuinely believe engineers number two. All right. hold on. hold on. How is engineer number two? How is lawyer number two?
Well, being a lawyer is hard. Sometimes an innocent man goes to jail and then you don't get paid. I agree. Lawyer sounds hard and I should know. I also have a hard job. Thank you.
What do you do? I'm a teacher, so I teach future lawyers and doctors will take any doctor any kind of doctor. I'm a kind of doctor.
No, no, no, not you. Okay, all right, all right, let's do. Let's do a quick poll. So we all agree. doctor is number one. No matter. No doubt.
Then for number two, it's between lawyer and engineer. Well, I think I have the hardest job of all. What do you do? I am a mother. Okay, but in terms of real stuff, my jobs that actually pay money.
Well, I'm a pilot. I ferry hundreds of souls through the skies and I think that's the second best job. Wait, if you've been in the bathroom, who's flying the plane? Oh no. the autopilot dumbass, Just pilot is pretty easy, but not as easy as teacher.
Please can we get a doctor? There is no doctor. Okay, so the best thing for your wife right now is we figure out what the second best job is. Did someone ask for a doctor? because that's my Halloween costume. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Mecca_Cosmetics_Release_Tutorial_For_How_To_Perfect_Those_Smokey_Reece_Walsh_Eye_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin we're so happy to have you here with us again me Clancy Overall and Effie Bateman here to read you the headlines the biggest headlines that make up the Batutah Advocates weekly bulletin this week how you going Effie Bateman? I'm good um I've been doing my RSA lately What's that? Responsible service of alcohol. You're doing that again? Yeah yeah so it's taken me a few goes but I think I might have gotten it now um so yeah planning to you know maybe get a weekend bar job I'm thinking you know the French Quarter's night spot? Yes. Yeah so my ex-boyfriend likes going there so I'm thinking you know next time he goes there to order. I thought this was all about boys yeah next time he comes in he wants to order a couple of VCRs he's gonna have to take them from me. That sounds very healthy yeah good luck to you and good luck to you maintaining that RSA. I know you in the live music venues and hospitality venues around this town you're often asked to violate the RSA as an employee.
What about you what are you doing for the weekend? Ah not much I'm thinking I might do an infrared sauna I've seen a lot of stuff about that on tik-tok about how apparently can cure a whole range of illnesses and also I've been drinking chlorophyll so. Oh is that the green stuff? Yeah the green water apparently it's like a natural steroid I'm being told so that's gonna work well with my weightlifting yeah I'm amongst all the very real steroids I've been taking in the shape of klenbuterol trend I've been on that recently and I'm also on all the pre-workout and protein supplements so yeah that's basically what I'm getting into. Are you into nootropics? I hear that's a bit of a thing. Yeah I try a little bit of that isogenics I was big on for a while you know that's just the key to getting fit is buying all the things and that they tell you to buy in the gym. Anyway what's up in the news this week?
Well starting off and mecha cosmetics have released a tutorial for how to perfect those smoky Reese Walsh eyes. Yes in a sign that finals footy fever really did sweep the nation Australian Beauty powerhouse mecha cosmetics last week launched an exciting new range of products and tutorials just in time for the NRL grand final with social media feeds flooded with images of the NRL's hottest young sensation Reese Walsh the patoota advocate exclusively revealed that Brisbane footy fans will now have the ability to flaunt the same smoky eyes as their beloved fullback in just a few simple steps. Speaking to mecha's head of product innovation and education to mecha Tilbury it's believed that the new set of bronx bronzes and Reese lightning eyeliner have come as a result of public interest in the stud. She said from our Queens Plaza store to Mount Cravat and even Robina we've had customers coming in desperate to copy the same smoky eyes that Reese Walsh flaunts on the field and just wait till you see our new Paddy Carrigan hair treatments customers will be able to flaunt the same luscious locks as that swarthy captain in minutes. And that's what happens in Brisbane when they lose a grand final imagine if they won.
Up next marketing manager reclines with a glass of scotch after several hours discussing what font to use on a brochure. A marketing and branding manager paid a fuckload to make everyone else's jobs difficult has rewarded himself for some hard work this week having spent several grueling hours deciding on what font to use for a brochure that no one will ever fucking look at. Known as the constant thorn in the side of his marketing team John Beecham loves nothing more than sending 50 emails hyper fixating on the tiniest things such as changing a word on a pamphlet for good to great or dropping into the office to demand huge changes mere hours before anything goes to print. In fact many of his employees suspect John always has an opinion for the sake of having an opinion because it gives him the illusion that he's contributed to something like this week when he had an epiphany on the perfect font to use for the patoota tourism pamphlet. I've done some thinking he said talking out of his ass and I just don't think Hillvetica is inviting enough it seems a bit too hoity-toity for a tourism campaign I'm thinking aerial aerial let's do aerial.
And now to the suburbs a local young couple have decided to try the rental market on hard mode by getting a dog. Yes as the housing crunch continues to trouble our cosmopolitan desert community a young couple has decided to make life much harder for themselves by getting a dog. While having a dog doesn't disqualify you from applying for a rental property in the Dymantina Shire council area any potential landlord can choose not to offer a lease and may look more favorably on applicants who don't have one. Penelope Cello and Rob Bent made the snap decision to get a rescue dog one morning in 2022 and haven't looked back.
Even after Frisbee their juvenile dog of mixed origin ate a sickly neighbor's cat and needed thousands of dollars worth of treatment from some highwayman of a veterinarian in the French Quarter. It took us about five years to save up 50 grand said Penelope a cafe manager. We've been set back about a year to 18 months now because of Frisbee eating that cat. Between you and me I was sad but ultimately ready to say goodbye when the vet gave us that quote but before I could even open my mouth Rob was putting his pin in the F-Boss machine at the front desk. We've applied to about 30 places and heard nothing back from any of them. One ager did get back to us actually and said if we got rid of the dog then the owner might consider offering us a lease.
And lastly the sporting news local woman not sure she can be into F1 boys anymore after finding out most of them are under six foot. Yes if a two to height woman with some rather picky dating criteria has found out some truly awful news this week which is said to have a massive impact on a newfound interest in Formula One. Katie Gillard reportedly became mesmerized by the world of motorsports shortly before the Grand Prix in Melbourne this year as a TikTok for you page was inundated with thirst traps of driver Charles Lecklauch and snippets of our very own Daniel Ricciardo being as affable and charming as always prompting her to officially become an F1 girly. Now with Fernando Alonso Lewis Hamilton Carlos Sainz added to her list Caitlin can't believe it's taken her this long to become interested in a sport filled with hot rich European men who drive expensive cars. That is until her co-worker Josh delightfully informed her that most of the F1 drivers were short kings. He said you do know most F1 drivers are pretty tiny right? I'm pretty sure Fernando barely scrapes five foot seven otherwise they wouldn't fit in the car.
They are quite literally the definition of a pocket rocket.
And that's all from us this week shame on you F1 for liking. See you later. |
SaturdayNightLive | bug_off_ad_saturday_night_live | Roaches. eliminating them from your home should be safe as well as effective. most products on the market today use strong poisons to seize a roaches central nervous system, paralyze them, and eventually kill them. can't we do better than that? Well, now you can, with new Bug-off Roach Trap. roaches are attracted to bug-off by a chemical message that says come on in, it's warm and safe in here. Once inside, the roaches held fast by a powerful adhesive while three pairs of tiny tweezers grab the roaches legs and stretch them in opposite directions until eventually they snap off. meanwhile, a red-hot metal coil burns off the roaches reproductive organs as the roaches own legs are used to beat its senses.
And with the pageant clear view window, you can be sure it's working.
Finally, wads of turpentine-soaked cotton are stuffed into the roaches orifices while a delicious piece of food is dangled just out of its reach. True, none of this will actually kill the roach, but it will give him plenty to think about. So stop coddling your roaches. they've had it too good for too long. give them what they deserve with bug-off. Bug-off Gomadevo. |
dropout | i_ll_make_like_to_you_with_romany_malco | Let's relax, keep it cash You broke up with anger, right?
Hey tonight is just tonight My place is close to here I came on my by have a seat I wanna drink, yeah I got your late night tags Hey hey, let's not tell our friends We can't quit any time Baby no questions, I'll make a life to you When it's easy to, no commitment, right?
Let's just hook up tonight I'll make a life to you For now this will do And I'll sleep with my hands Turned away from you It's just fun Then I'm gone, labeling it would be wrong It doesn't have to be a thing No go with steady I'll tell my roommate to leave hey Leave us out, on the door, on the door This isn't perfect but it will do We don't have to see this through Girl, my face full of status won't change, it's for you I'll make a life to you Till there's someone alone We'll still be friends, right?
This is blood at first sight I'll make a life to you Like your life is to you I'll just let myself out when I'm ready to go Are you sure? |
cracked | 4_entertainment_franchises_you_re_enjoying_wrong_dummy_yboc | Hello nerds, it's me, your hero, Dr. Jordan Breeding. You're watching your brain on crack. The only internet show that dares to ask the hard-hitting questions. Like, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you the way that you are?
Did you know that- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Like a substitute teacher inserting a back to the future VHS into their own butthole, you're enjoying your favorite media all sorts of wrong. Thankfully, as a real doctor-themed superhero with nonspecific powers, it is my sworn duty to help those in need. And while I can't do anything for those anally compromised subs who, let's be clear, are definitely out there, I can't help you get more butt-free enjoyment from your favorite pieces of pop culture. Which, so let's do that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Right off the bat, Orang, one of the biggest strengths of DC's straight-to-video animated movies is that unlike the live-action films from Marvel, they're not constantly inventing dumber and dumber reasons for their heroes to take off their masks and helmets so we can ogle Tom Holland's sad little baby boy spider face. Take off your clothes. Also, because DC's animated films don't get widespread release, they can, like only fans, get a little weird, get a little experimental with what they're offering. For example, are you getting tired of gritty brooding Batman performing unlicensed street dentistry while apparently gargling gravel? Brrr!
Then you might wanna check out the 2017 movie Justice League Dark as people around the world experience really fucked up hallucinations that lead to them murdering innocent people. Superman and Wonder Woman swoop in to stop the violence with their super strength. But when a hallucinating mother is about to kill her infant child because she thinks it's a demon, which, fair, Batman surprisingly doesn't tackle her and punch her in both livers.
People have two livers, right? It's been a long time since I was a doctor doctor, not like a god doctor. Like oxygen turning into gold.
Batman instead offers to help the troubled woman in a calm voice as he attempts to resolve the problem non-punchily. Let me fuck you. Now don't get me wrong, in later scenes, you do get tons of action violence and some spectacular Lovecraftian horror thanks to the magician Constantine. But the movie boldly introduces Batman in a way we so rarely see, as a good person who wants to help people. I have a butt. But hey, if you like terrifying Batman, you can get the best take on that in the 2010 animated film, Under the Red Hood. That movie begins with the Joker murdering the second Robin, Jason Todd, which, I don't know. But he's resurrected and becomes the new crime boss of Gotham. Near the end of the film, Jason asks Batman why he didn't execute the Joker after the clown killed him. To which Batman says.
All I've ever wanted to do is kill him. A day doesn't go by when I don't think about subjecting him to every horrendous torture he's dealt out to others. And then, fuck him. Batman has genius IQ Olympic level physique and I'm just assuming a minimum of two fully equipped dungeons that would make Christian Grey melt into a sexy little puddle. Come. But the idea of someone with so many resources at their disposal fantasizing about torturing someone to death but stopping himself from going through with it on a daily basis is terrifying.
DC's animated division ensures Batman is a human first and then they twist that humanity into something truly dark. But they're also aware that a dark tone is not necessary for every character.
Like in the best Superman movie ever, All-Star Superman. About 90% of Superman's comic history features him shooting laser plot conveniences at Doctor Who Rejects in order to help Jimmy Olsen whose brain has probably been swapped with the chocolate Danish. It's 333,000 times the size of the earth. And All-Star Superman embraces all that silliness. The movie literally opens with Lex Luthor trying to sabotage the sun spliced with scenes of Jimmy Olsen wearing a dress. Later, Superman battles an interdimensional beam called the Ultra Sphinx and introduces us to his time telescope which allows him to observe his descendants in the 84th century.
Also, he has a pet space creature called a sun eater. And what does Superman feed him? Well, suns of course. Suns that he makes on his cosmic anvil. What, you thought he ate Bennifull?
I'm running out of time.
And all of that is sillier than clown diarrhea but it's all in service of showcasing Superman's hope, his courage, and his kindness. Instead of punching the Ultra Sphinx, he outsmarts him. The future telescope allows Superman to take comfort in the fact that even thousands of years in the future, someone is protecting earth. And as for the nightmare sun eater, Superman treats it like a lost puppy and it's just adorable.
Meet my pet. See! Pumination! The movie conveys how Superman is a god, yes, but again, he's a human first. More so, he's the best human, not just the best neck snapper. Yes, shut up. I know he's not literally human, but neither is Willem Dafoe and we keep him around. Bingo, me.
Every other Superman movie talks about how good Superman is, but All Star actually shows it. The DC animated movies do this with every character. You want a strong Wonder Woman movie about the bonds between mothers and daughters? Check out Wonder Woman Bloodlines. Or maybe you want a Flash movie where the main character isn't traveling back in time so they can assault even more Hawaiians? Well, then you should check out Justice League, The Flashpoint Paradox. It's not only a fantastic Flash story about personal grief and doing the wrong thing for the right reasons, and no Hawaiians are involved.
Really, because you look like a gigantic baby. It also features an alternate universe where Bruce Wayne gets killed in Crime Alley causing his dad to become Batman and his mom to become the Joker, adding even more twisted sexual attention to the relationship between the two characters, like in all those fanfics that we read. I mean, that we hear about from weirdos on our way to the Bible store. ["Auld Lang Syne"] If any of you watching this video were named Khaleesi by your parents, first of all, go to bed. You're way too young to be watching this. And that includes my children, Gray Worm and Hot Pie.
No gravy, no pie. Simple as that.
Also, Santa is not real and ponies are racist. Go watch something else. But before you go, try to find it in your heart to forgive your folks for the name. They didn't know Daenerys Targaryen would turn out to be a silver-haired, wannabe fantasy Nero. After all, she was just an abused royal from a centuries-long line of inbreeding lunatics who eventually obtained absolute power, which as the saying goes, does absolutely nothing to you. Absolutely don't worry about it. But okay, that's not to say that the hatred towards the finale of Game of Thrones wasn't justified.
Too many things were rushed. Too many characters made dumb out-of-character decisions.
I can't ruin it. You're being stupid. I can't, I'm ruined.
It all became too much about action instead of politics and intrigue, which is what attracted most of us to the show in the first place. Oh yeah, that's some good political intrigue. Oh, politics! Thankfully, you can recreate all that political intrigue with the official Game of Thrones board game. There, three to six players take charge of one of the great houses of Westeros and do what all Targaryens do at family reunions and try to get on top. Oh, politics!
You can forge alliances with other players, but you never know when they'll betray you because let's be honest, it's not a question of if, it's a question of win. Realistically, nobody can win by themselves with brute force, so it requires these alliances that'll be broken at the first opportunity. And even the best laid out plans can be ruined via tides of battle cards that introduce random factors in the game because the world is cruel, chaotic, and random and fuck you for trying to escape it for a few precious moments. Oh, the grave. The game really gets Game of Thrones and doubles as a great way to end a friendship.
To make your experience even more authentic, play naked, right Dave? Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.
Star Wars has gotten way too big, to the point where it's just not fun anymore, like Dave. And yet it's also still really small, like Dave. Hi, hello, I'm Dave.
Anyway, Star Wars brings in way too much cash for Disney to seriously consider tweaking the formula. You're not gonna risk alienating that special kind of moron who drops $5,000 on two nights in a Star Wars themed hotel where they can cosplay as space Nazis, like Dave. That's why when Rian Johnson tried something even mildly different in The Last Jedi, the following film basically shanked that movie in both livers and dropped it into a metaphorical Mustafarian lava pit and shat Bantha Poodoo on the fire pile. And that just sucks a big steamy fart straight out of a Bantha's butt because at its best, Star Wars can be fun, inventive, and about more than just remaking Japanese cinema. TV shows like The Mandalorian are a good start, but even that is basically just the Japanese comic lone wolf and cub, but it's phase. The deadliest duel imaginable. To get something really original from Star Wars, you're gonna have to nerd up and read a book. Nerd.
You can start with The New Jedi Order, a series of 19 novels set in the Star Wars Expanded Universe. 20 years after Return of the Jedi, the New Republic and its little cult of virgin samurai space wizards are slowly being rebuilt when aliens arrive. Usually, that wouldn't be major news, but the yazan vong, ugh, is that how you say it? I don't love it, but, you know, the aliens that I'm gonna call the yuzan vong, because I only read it when I was in middle school and I've never heard it spoken aloud, are warrior nomads and religious fanatics from another galaxy entirely who reject all forms of machinery and they build ships, armor, and even weapons out of organic matter.
That's much more effective than humanity's most powerful bioweapon. Poop on a stick! I got a poop on a stick!
Don't get a video and it makes sense! We did it, Dave! You said it couldn't be done, but I did it!
Oh, man, they also kill about 300 trillion life forms during an attack on the entire Star Wars galaxy, including exploding the moon, housing sweet fuzzy Chewbacca. That is how the series starts and it only gets crazier, darker, and more fascinating from there.
And yet Disney would sooner release the contents of the mythical Disney porn vault, which is real, Google it, and it's gonna be a great deal of fun. It's gonna be a great deal of fun.
Then they would make an adaptation of the new Jedi orders. Another cool Star Wars creation that you're missing out on if you're only watching the trilogy movies or TV shows is Grand Admiral Thrawn. He looks like the love child of the desert fox and night crawler from X-Men, but the blue-skinned Imperial Officer attempts to rebuild the entire Galactic Empire in a series of novels written by Timothy Zahn. He briefly appeared on Star Wars Rebels and his name dropped in The Mandalorian, but to get his full story, you have to check out the Thrawn trilogy where he is depicted as a capable Imperial Officer who gains his soldier's loyalty by rewarding creativity, being a tactical genius, and through little things like not choking his senior staff just because they go to a different church. I find your lack of faith disturbing. And despite looking like a sexy manga remake of the Smurfs, he might actually be the most sensible and relatable Star Wars villain ever. And the entire expanded universe and non-movie Star Wars properties just keep on giving like that. You want an epic story that feels like Star Wars' Bang Game of Thrones? Play the Knights of the Old Republic video game.
Funny little guy. Funny don't you, don't you?
Pfft, pfft, pfft. It's a sec, it's about sex. A big part of the original Matrix trilogy's success is its commitment to world building and fully exploring literally being inside a video game. And yet, every time they try to expand the world beyond the first movie in the half, it trips over its big dumb digitally projected feet. Like Dave. It is a pickle, no doubt about it. There was the Animatrix, an anthology of anime shorts that mostly explained how sexy it is if you use a sword to cut off a lady's clothes in a computer game. And also, I guess, hey, the robots used to be slaves that humanity abused and also they looked like derpy eggs named Burt. Yeah, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy. Well Burt, then there was the fourth movie, Matrix Resurrections, which was basically the original Matrix trilogy all over again, except the slight spoiler, the machines want to harness human sexual tension for energy. So, you know how tiny my penis is.
Is it really so hard to believe? None of the later cinematic offerings feel like the infinite possibility machine that the franchise is at its core. But that's because the best way to explore all that isn't through film at all, through video games. And it makes sense, right? If the Matrix mostly takes place in a virtual world, the most immersive way to experience it is through another virtual world.
That's also why the only real way to watch Breaking Bad is while on meth. Just meth into oblivion. Like Dave. You can't keep getting away with this.
The 2003 game Enter the Matrix features over an hour of original footage starring the original cast and is written and directed by the Wachowskis. Or the Wachowskis. I don't speak Polish, happening right around the same time as Matrix Reloaded. It gives you control of Jada Pinkett Smith's Niobe and Anthony Wong's Ghost. And if you can't remember who those characters were in the movie, the game is already doing something right. Look, we all want to be the chosen one and make out with Carrie Anne Moss and or Keanu Reeves while dressed as hot topic ninjas.
And yes, I've gotten your birthday wish list, Grandma. I'm working on it. I just think you suck.
But the truth is if the Matrix was real, you would be one of the liberated human batteries at best and without Neo's plot armor to protect you. The game spends a lot of time making you feel small and powerless against the machines. There's always the feeling that you can fight them but never really beat them. This really helps flesh or like metal out the machines as antagonists while also letting you control bullet time. Which is great because bullet time is like pushing Dave off his bike into the river. Always fun to watch on screen but even better to take an active part in. Enter the Matrix also has a cool hacking feature that allows players to unlock certain special features like new weapons by entering actual DOS commands. It makes you feel like you're already kind of in the Matrix, which I mean, to be fair most gamers already do with their barely functioning muscles and eyes not used to sunlight.
Another thing that Enter the Matrix has are vampires and werewolves. Apparently all sorts of mythical monsters were always part of the Matrix. Even appearing in the second movie as the Merovingian's henchmen but looking like boring dumb humans because that movie was very committed to wasting all its best ideas.
I thought you'd have figured that out by now. The game explains that after the machines tried to create a paradise simulation for humans which our minds rejected they created horror world full of monsters and demons meant to torment us. So hell, the machines literally programmed hell and then put all of humanity in it which kind of sounds like the last few years to be honest. This is the world as it exists today. What are you doing? In the game though, that version also failed because what the robots didn't realize is that humans don't want to suffer themselves. They want to make sure others suffer. That's our greatest strength. So after hell tricks was closed down the vampire and werewolf programs hid and eventually found bodyguard work in a stable version of the simulation. And you can only really learn about all this by playing the game. Also, you could learn that evil AIs can apparently take the form of giant killer ants which you can only learn from the path of Neo video game if you do actually want to play as Neo and or kill ants in an NC Asher hellscape. Flaming Dead! And as for the continuation of the original Matrix trilogy, hell, we had that as far back as 2004 with the Matrix Online which is considered canon and deals with the death of Morpheus, a human robot Cold War and exile programs looking for their place in this new world. So basically the same plot as Matrix Resurrections only 17 years earlier and without all the horny energy subplot and also allowing you to be an active participant.
God, I missed your beard. I missed your light. Oh, I missed your chin. I missed your soul.
You can't get a more immersive experience without...
Don't say anything about my mom. I wasn't gonna say that. I was gonna say another joke.
It's a different mom. You don't know this mom. It's a different mom. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jada_pinkett_smith_on_her_marriage_to_will_smith_snl | Jada Pinkett Smith has been making some ways with some of the revelations in her new memoir, Worthy. here to comment is Jada Pinkett Smith. good to see you, Michael. thank you for coming to the Red Table. All right. sorry if I seem a little tired. I've been on the Today Show 14 times in three days. yeah, you're getting a lot of buzz in your new book. you revealed that you and Will Smith have been separated since 2016? Mm-hmm. that's the truth. that is the truth. But the day we got married, I knew there was going to be trouble. at our wedding, someone stood up and objected. who was it? it was me, Yeah. Yeah, it was me. you know, but it's okay.
Twenty-three years later, Will and I are still a unit. And it's because we have learned that the secret to a successful marriage is never go to bed happy. And you guys describe your marriage as brutal, as in brutal and beautiful.
Yep, mm-hmm. and other people describe it as brunch healthy. Yeah, yeah. But we're doing great, Michael. we really are. And for the first time in a very, very long time, I am in such a solid, fortified place.
You see, nothing makes me feel stronger than publicly cucking my millionaire husband. I don't understand. why not just get a divorce? Oh, no, no. divorce is not an option. No, no, no, no. I have principles, Michael. if we got divorced, he could mess around and end up happy.
And I can't have that. I just can't have that.
Well, he doesn't seem very happy. he called your marriage a sloppy public experiment in unconditional love. Yeah, mm-hmm. that was actually in our vows.
So anyway, back to Tupac. I never said Tupac. Well, I can't stop saying Tupac. you know, we were so close.
And a lot of people don't know this, but before he died, he was in the process of legally changing his name to Two Pinkett, Yeah. Yeah, he was my soulmate, Yeah. Well, you said in your book that him slapping Chris Rock actually brought you closer together as a couple. Mm-hmm, yeah, that's right, that's right. You know, it was the first time in years that I felt like his wife. and now I am so clear on what to do if we ever start drifting apart again. And what's that? the next time we hit a rough patch, I'm gonna ask Will to shoot Kevin Hart. David Bacon Smith, everybody. |
dropout | Play_It_By_Ear_Season_2_Trailer | Five minutes to show time. Wait, do you know your lines? No, do you? No.
Perfect. Play It By Ear is back. The musical improv show where anything can happen. You know the one. It's the dumbest thing I've ever done. What the is happening? I cannot wait to see how this gets closed captioned. Our performers don't know what I'll throw their way. Whatever song comes from this, I just want to make sure that there are as many fake cuss words. Include as many over the top riffs and runs as possible. It better be in the style of a pop diva song, complete with background dancers.
I finished another pro bottle. Oops, I did it again.
Everybody, yeah. Sing some shawty, yeah. Sad hole in themselves. Who's he talking to? I've heard about him. His thoughts are on the outside of his noggin.
And everyone will gather and it's like we're in Seattle. Because this is the hottest town around. There's nothing that could be cuter than what we found. Everything you're about to see is made up on the spot. Forever scene we go to next.
Can you make sure someone has a weird catchphrase? Because you need to put something on a shirt? Yes. Okay. We're trying for merch. We understand. |
TheOnion | After_Obama_Victory_Shrieking_White_Hot_Sphere_Of_Pure_Rage_Early_GOP_Front_Runner_For_2016 | Just yesterday, Barack Obama was re-elected to a second term as president, but that doesn't mean it's too early to start looking ahead at potential GOP candidates for 2016. Some experts say a front-runner has already emerged in the form of this shrinking white hot sphere of pure rage. The sphere seen here decimating homes in a small Maryland town is testing through the roof with conservatives who were disappointed with Obama's victory last night. Jason Copeland, why is this thing so popular? Well, Andrea, look, this screaming orb just might be the only one who really taps into the deep-seated seething fury felt by so many Republicans right now. That's true. This thing is young, it's exciting, it feeds off fear and terror. It's no wonder conservatives are raving about it. Mitt Romney just didn't get me fired up enough to vote. But that sphere of anger really speaks to me, usually through my television or in my nightmares. It's got me building this hive. Now, we know the thing is popular, but does this rage sphere actually want to run for president? Well, Andrea, it hasn't said no. I mean, when interviewed, the howling conservative plasma orb reportedly said, quote, a loud whirring sound, some unintelligible shrieks, bow before me, more piercing violent shrieks, guns, not our America, and then it just repeated faggots at a deafening pitch for hours and hours.
Okay, but that sounds pretty noncommittal, Jason. Well, that's right.
I mean, look, you know, if Republicans want this thing to run, they're gonna have to find some way to trap it, communicate with it, steer it in the right direction. Some conservative leaders have already begun offering sacrifices of virgins and livestock, which is a good first step, obviously. Jason, we are getting some breaking news right now that the sphere is making further political inroads. Apparently Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina has just an hour ago resigned his seat in the Senate to the beast. In an official statement that we have here, Burr said, quote, it will do better than I ever could.
Know where to run. Lead me to my end. I am worthless.
It owns us. That's a quote, Jason. Wow, big development there. Yeah, so grows the orb. Now, Jason, is it too soon to speculate as to who the sphere might pick as its running mate? Well, I can't see the sphere picking anyone other than the dark ominous cloud of racism that the Republicans love so much. Oh, right. I mean, it's been around for years. It has experience. And if the party gets serious about its ground game in Iowa and the maelstrom's able to maintain cohesion without exploding and exterminating life on this planet, I think we can expect the announcement of a white hot sphere, horrible lurking fog ticket as early as Christmas 2015. Thank you, Jason.
Later in the hour, we'll take an in-depth look at some early front runners for the Democrats, including Joe Biden, Martin O'Malley and the magical arc of empty promises. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_meeting_girls_with_playstation_online | This is Bleep Bloop, I'm your host Jeff Rubin, and this week I'm here with Pat Castle, Sarah Schneider, and because we couldn't find a fourth person, we are going to make some friends online playing Little Big Plan. I can play if you guys want, I'm not doing anything, don't you need fourth for the Bleep Bloop then?
We're just going to find one online this week. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Some random stranger online we don't know anything about. That'll be fine. They won't be able to talk, but it's actually, that's what might be better. Yeah. Okay.
This is Little Big Plan, which is kind of Sony's premiere title this Christmas. This is like their big, new original thing.
And while we wait for a fourth player to join us, maybe we should play dress up with our characters. We finally find a way to make games for sissies, not just nerds. How many of you my guy look like Jeff? Haha, sorry. Here we go, we're playing with our new best friend. So just to help you out at home, I'm the dude with the dangly eye stuck on my head. Sarah is dressed like an orange version of me. Yes. That is a zebra. I'm a gothic princess. Our new friend the Eradicator is in the red ponytails. That is the person online we don't know.
So what they did for this game is they made a random assortment of objects and stickers and materials and all sorts of things to decorate them with. So using the tools they made and all these random objects, they made a few levels and then they turned it on you and you can use those objects to make your own levels.
We did! First, we're friends. Are you making out with a girl friend? I think she's talking to me around, which I think means she likes me. Wow, Jeff just got a girlfriend. How about the four of us just straight up get it on inside this cardboard box?
So far we've seen all the levels that came with the game, but you can take those pieces and make your own level. What we're about to play is completely made by fans. Is each individual purple thing that's like a piece?
I think so, yeah. I think they shape the pieces and then you gotta hinge it. You gotta give it some logic. Let me look at all the logic right there, come on.
I'd like to see your dinosaur, so this is probably a great time to say hi to the eradicator now that we're all out of the game. We are, totally? No, no, we'll be back one for the next checkpoint. Isn't it crazy that we're here shooting this show and then in the other world, on the other side of the world, in Japan, there's this woman sitting playing the game.
She's on our show, she doesn't even know it. She's so stupid. We don't have to pay her anything.
Do we think it's a girl? It's a girl. How do you know? It's a girl, okay?
Don't trust me. Sorry. But come on, why is that so hard to believe? You can tell just the way her character jumps, the outfit she chooses, her failure to respond to our messages. That's not a dude. This level took someone hours and hours to put together.
Really? Yeah, get a jetpack and fly up here, you guys, you're a shit. Have you been here before? I saw a video on you. Did I use that?
It's incredible, this level is here, like, if you go up here, this person literally built a computer with like, you know, like a logic board with like ropes and pulleys and stuff, and it's a calculator. Whatever. This stuff is dumb. But this is like pretty much how computers work, it's like logic gates or something, I don't know. See, this level, you can calculate the amount of hours of your life you're wasting playing this game.
So little big planet, concluding thoughts. I think I'm baffled by this game, if I just had to shoot something or score a basket or kill a dinosaur or all three, I would know what to do, this game seems to have, you're just living. And that's something I don't know how to do. Maybe we should talk about without having trouble finding people.
Give them the reality, okay? Video games are not like, are like life, they don't always turn out the way you want them to. I don't know, I had this written down. This is bleed flute, this is real. This isn't getting really real. Very real. That's a good life lesson, guys. What happened? It doesn't get any realer than bleed flute, but now hold on, my little stuffed man needs a sombrero. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_thomas_middleditch | Welcome to the stage Bob Evans what are these doing here I don't know they're flutes and I wanted to get a slide whistle you know for my comedy routine I couldn't find one so I borrowed my son's little flutes here so if you ever hear a joke and I you know I'll just yeah you know and you'll know that it is a joke hello oh I'm sleeping all righty so I got these bamboo flutes in another country anyone ever been to Mexico yeah I took my son down to Mexico I had to get away from the old ball and chain did not expect to see her there with a color fella called Rick so that wasn't meant to come out so let's stick to the plan Dan you know my office my little my little nook does not have windows but I say who needs windows that's why I got invented I look to my right and there is the coast of Washington beautiful Washington I look to my left and to be honest there is a picture of my wife and child let's go cameras a lot of guys say let's put it this way for out of my 39 co-workers all agree that I am the craziest and one feller in particular Ron he says to me he says he says you know what damn you are one wacky son of a bitch me a son of a bitch well I'm sorry Ron you are so fat dad the only way you can get skinny is that you eat so much explode turn inside out no walking skeleton you fat fuck me a son of a bitch my mother is amazing uh-oh you think this is a cobra no not on my watch yeah hello yes hello is an emergency yeah I just killed my wife Oh |
dropout | bleep_bloop_hunting | Welcome to Bleak Loop. I am Jeff Rubin. This week my guest is Emily Axford and as always my co-host is Pat Cassels.
Today we are playing Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2013 with the heart rate sensing fear master gun. How does the light gun work on this TV screen? I know there's a lot of questions right now about the fear masters. Thankfully the game has included tutorial videos so we can like get a sense of what we're getting into. I want like your like tutorial avatar guy to just be like some backwoods like rebel like government's gonna come in. The fear master detects your heartbeat through metal plates. You'll notice two of them one here below the barrel and one here.
This to me looks like when you use like the elliptical on the gym like they're so bad it's always like sorry lost your heart rate recalculating. And make sure not to hold it like this as it may not reach your heart rate properly. Extremely dry hands may be a cause of poor signal strength.
Jeff?
Yeah, that's another great thing about this game is that it's not just firing willy nilly at lions. There's like a story with like characters. Yeah, but the story is like you wake up hungover like tell your wife you're going to work for the day. Meet up with your boys bitch about your wife.
Oh, it's beautiful. I don't want to hit him.
You can do like girl mode where there's this cutscene in the beginning world the deers are like okay soon or take over the world will be complete unless someone can stop us. Or girl mode instead it's replaced with just a hand and you pet them all.
But still with the gun. Still with the gun.
You're petting them. The top shot uses your hand stability and heart to determine how focused you are. Yeah, okay, you got to focus. We got to relax calm yourself. The number and graph display info on the breathing technique you're about to learn. You're going to give me a breathing technique. It's impressive how they took a game with a gun and made it so boring. Wait, why do I press the shoe because this guy doesn't want me to shoot. It's trying to teach you the breathing technique right now. So what you got to do is aim and not at that one.
There's actually a darker one to the left of it. Uh, I don't think that I told you this but I have terrible vision.
You have a poor heart rate according to the game too. Oh, oh. Okay, so wait, wait, wait. Okay, you got to aim at that deer and bring your heart rate down. So boring.
It is. It's not going to let you pull the trigger. I can like hear you pulling that trigger as much as you can. It's not going to let you do it. I'm trying to outsmart you. It's like you're going to do this breathing thing. We can sense your heart rate. We're going to make you do it.
I'm about to cry. What's the goal here? Guys, guys, I have a confession.
I have a pacemaker. Well, maybe I feel like one of you should try it and see if there's something wrong with me. Oh, you want to try a capture? Or I gave it here to play a game and it, I just breathed a while while holding a gun. The game is too physically demanding for us. I think there's an option. So you can like increase the acceptable range of your heart rate. I don't think it's too physically demanding. It just won't let me, won't trust me that I know when I can shoot. Just like my dad. Go to the controls, maybe?
Okay, great. Easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there an easier one? It's pansy, acceptable, and my son.
Is this supposed to be a social game? Shut up. I feel like this game is made by like pretentious hunters who are like, let's show them how hard it is.
Yeah, definitely. It definitely makes guns seem not as fun. That's me. Maybe it's a good thing. It's like released by like the anti-gun lobby. Yeah.
It's like Microsoft Flight Simulator where it's more accurate than it is fun, I think. I did play this before and I got by it with not that much difficulty. I'm not sure you're not. You played this level?
Yeah, and I think maybe it's because like we're filming now. We're trying to, you know, talk and be funny. It's like harder to relax. Is that possible?
I'm very relaxed. I feel very relaxed.
I feel no pressure to be good on this show, Jeff. This Jeff's just amazing at it.
This goes on a tear. He gets a lion into a headlock like extorts information on other lions from him. Gives you like a little gist like Take this. The names of every lion are on it. |
cracked | the_3_worst_lessons_taught_by_80s_sports_movies_after_hours | See, I just always assumed that inspirational jock jams were playing on a constant loop in your head. I've got a date tonight, my blu-ray is broken. Fine, you can borrow my tapes, but I'm warning you. Chicks hate watching porn from just one angle. No, Michael, I just like to watch Rocky IV before big moments. You know, when I listen to music by myself, I put out a Gotta Drown Out the Voices vibe, but you just look like you're DJing a party, like a cool party.
Thank you. Yeah, I work on it. Also, the whole Rocky franchise? Super racist. Two bacon egg sandwiches and a burrito if you can make it look like a mouth. Got it. Alright, if we're gonna do this, we have to agree to some ground rules. Rocky I is decent but overrated, and Rocky V and VI never happened. Okay.
And also, Rocky IV is the greatest American movie ever made. It's certainly the most American movie ever made. He beats up a Russian giant wearing American flag trunks, causing the Soviet bureaucracy to crumble, and all of Russia to start rooting for America.
Reagan couldn't have scripted it better himself. Is Reagan a screenwriter? Stallone was like Reagan's one-man propaganda machine.
Rocky IV came out the same year as Rambo II, both written by Stallone, both basically Patriot porn. Also software gay porn. In terms the table will understand, America was trying to win a big dick contest with Russia, but was having trouble keeping its patriotism boner up because of Vietnam. So Rambo II goes back and wins Vietnam for us, and then Rocky IV finishes the job, inseminating all the Soviet Union with its American jingo-jism.
Wow, you're right. I totally understood that. Why don't they teach high school that way?
Yeah Dan, I guess patriotism is racist. If you hate America.
The entire franchise is wish fulfillment. It's like Disney for the sad, embarrassing wishes of adults. And what is the one overarching, very racist wish?
An alternate universe where the greatest modern athlete is a white guy instead of Muhammad Ali. You guys need more than that? Cassius Clay is Apollo Creed. Apollo Creed has everything that white people liked about Muhammad Ali without the scary black power name change. In the Rocky universe, Cassius keeps his improbably cool name, and instead of protesting the Vietnam War, throws his weight behind flashy acts of patriotism. Muhammad Ali's career highlights are all stolen by Rocky.
Ali's most dramatic fight. The rumble in the jungle. He spends eight rounds getting pounded on by George Foreman so he can tire him out. Then he throws one punch. Foreman loses consciousness, wakes up, names all of his kids George. The same thing happened in Rocky III, except it was Creed that taught Rocky that maneuver. That is his career highlight, teaching a slow-footed white guy the rope-a-dope. Ali's signature move. He can't train to the jungle junk music.
Is there no way you can phrase that as a sexual metaphor? Yes. Balls.
He teaches him the move because Rocky and Apollo are best friends by Rocky III. Your argument only makes sense if you watch Rockies I and II. When Rocky is legally, like, realistically retarded, and Paulie is terrifying, and Adrian is a social cripple. In fact, thank you, the first movie in a half is basically just Benny and June with boxing gloves. When I want to get psyched up, I watch Rockies III and IV. When Rocky's opponents kill his best friends and he has to avenge them. You mean the ones where he drives a Lamborghini and gives people robots? Did you pack your toothbrush? In the best Rocky movies, Rocky doesn't win moral victories.
He wins wars. Racism. He defeats racism.
I want you to look at something. Look at that.
That is friendship. That is brotherhood.
That is 80s movie racism. How is that anything other than beautiful? It's not overtly racist. It's underground racist. Teen wolf racist. Ooh. Teen wolf is racist?
Every wolf power is a stereotype that white guys feared about black guys in the 80s. The movie goes, white guy gets black guy powers, and then white guy learns the valuable lesson that the powers are actually completely worthless. You really win by playing slow, ugly, fundamental basketball, and presumably being terrible at sex.
How does any of this relate to Rocky? Objection sustained. Your dishonor, if I may. I plan to tell the court that Rocky III, far from being blameless, is actually the most racist Rocky in the franchise. I'll allow it.
80s movies were about reassuring white guys that they were still the best, even though black athletes and musicians were starting to succeed. Either by showing them the ultimate worthlessness of stuff that black people are good at, like in Teen Wolf, or by showing them how easy it is to learn the stuff that black people are good at, like in any buddy cop movie or Rocky III.
Aren't you gonna stand up for us? Stand up for who? Don't put us in the same sentence. Whom? You and I, man.
People with talent. The most historically significant thing Rocky did was invent the training montage. The single most harmful cinematic convention in film. Nope, not the montage. That is where I draw the line in the sand. And do wind sprints and push-ups on that line. The Rocky movies found a way to make guy trains for two months the coolest part of the movie. Stallone invented the training montage because he had to turn a clueless moron into someone who stood a chance in the final fight. Thereby making practice look cool for the first time ever. And easy. It actually takes years of hellish effort to become great at something. Rocky replaced that with a jazzy five-minute Kenny Loggins video.
Rocky is the reason that people like Soren and me. The talented, the gifted, the naturally graceful are the most discriminated against group of all. Before Rocky, they made movies about the Yankees. Afterwards, think about it. Who's the villain in every 80s movie? Jocks. People who were good at stuff. People like you, Soren.
You spent your whole life exercising, going to gym class, training at evil dojos. Those Cobra Kai kids are probably just dicks because they spent their whole childhood in padded rooms punching each other. Hulk Daniel-san did. Was, I know, I'm sorry, I know it's not you but the name. Was, watch a karate tape in his living room.
Learn a magic kick from the janitor and suddenly he's winning? I mean he doesn't deserve to but he's doing it in a montage and the guy on the track is telling us that we're the best around. Rocky made that possible. Let me just get something straight. Are you saying that white male athletes are the most discriminated against class? Because, wow. Black, white, whoever's got the most talent is automatically the bad guy.
Look at Hoosiers. A white team goes up against an inner city black team in 1954. The black kids probably couldn't drink out of the same fountain as the Hoosiers but we root for the white kids because they're objectively worse at the sport. That's what Rocky taught us. To never cheer for Duke at a college basketball game. Or the Yankees playing baseball. Or the Hoosits doing football jumps.
And why? Because they're consistently good.
Oh, boring. I did work awfully hard for these abs. And I don't even know what that means because Rocky invented the training montage.
We did it, guys. I got published. Soar and Radica. Right there on your bookshelf at your local grocery store and airport. Obsession untamed. Look for it.
That's me. I photoshopped the body to make me look a little less strong. Couldn't fit the entire thing on the cover. |
Wizards_with_Guns | shorts | Okay, so tell me. Alright, so there's this dad, right? Yeah, okay. And his son's name is PeePee. Okay.
And he keeps like yelling at him.
PeePee! PeePee, get back here! PeePee!
I don't think that's a good... Watch out! That was a close one.
What? Did you just... Did I just what?
But, I must be imagining things. I don't... Yeah, that was weird.
Okay. Anyway, as I was saying, he's like, PeePee! PeePee! Uh, okay.
Dude, my Myspace stock crashed, like, 14 points yesterday. That's more people than I have friends on Myspace.
Okay, I don't get it, then. Because it's just... What is he... Because he's like PeePee! No. It's funny! You're just saying PeePee. I'll uh, catch ya...
Ooh! Ooh my god!
Yeah. Ahhh. Ohhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhh.
You were different. How scary. You were different.
What? What are you talking about? Different how?
You were bluh. You were just different. Spit it out. You were bluh.
Who's that? What?
Just forget it. Just forget about it. I don't.
OK. You're crazy today, man. No. OK. About my sketch idea, what do you think? Yeah. No. What about? Continue.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Okay, that's not funny. I know what it is. Okay. You're not funny. What? That has nothing to do... Yeah, you have a bad sense of humor.
Whoa!
That was almost ugly. Okay, you were definitely different. You changed. Changed how? No, no, you changed, you were black.
Just say it. You know, you were black. Say it. You were black. You're a racist.
Where's my son?
Beep beep? Beep beep my boy! Beep beep! There you are! Beep beep beep! Dang it beep beep!
Do you love me? I love you!
Beep beep! Where's my little beep beep! Beep beep! Beep! Beep beep! We're out of toilet paper! No more beep beep beep! Beep beep where's your brother?
Boo boo! My lord! What is it now, Percival? Can't you see your emperor is brooding over the waters? Yes my lord, but the peasants they spread rumors about you!
Let's see. Where is the coin? She sent none, sir.
Then it is war! Cornelius? Cornelius, come forth! What is it, my lord? Yes, what is this string of lights in the night sky? Well that is Orion's pulp, my lord. Hmm. Fetch it for me! Well I'm afraid I can't do that, my lord. Why not? Well because you said so, my lord. Then it is war!
Prometheus! Prometheus, what are you doing in there? Prometheus, who taught you how to swim? Prometheus, this better be important!
My lord! I've prepared you a delicacy of marshed mallow in cocoa betwixt gram. Then it is s'more.
War! Cornelius, say what you must. Your wife, she's been poisoned by our enemies. Nice. Here, want us more? I invented it! The robber! We're gonna die! Guys, guys, guys!
I'm not robbing the place, okay? I'm going on a ski trip and I just need a loan for some skis. Oh, we'd be happy to help you, sir. Oh, you just wanted a loan for some skis. That's why he's wearing the mask because he's going on a ski trip. I'm not a robber! I need a loan! He was just getting skis.
Everyone get on the fucking ground! This is a robbery! It's real! And you all need to die!
I just need a loan for some skis. I'm going on a ski trip. We don't accept these. Boo boo! We're going on a ski trip!
Idiot! Can I have that loan? Oh my god! |
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dropout | If_Character_Stats_Worked_In_Real_Life_Troopers_Animated | Rich! I did it! I stole Treadlord's tablet. What? How in the galaxy did you do that? Like a master thief. I took it from the bathroom where he left it on accident.
Check it out. It's got everyone's grades. Grades? Yeah, look.
Finley, three strength. Robin, four charisma.
Whoa, it's us. What? This can't be right. A one? Intelligence? I'm a genius? Uh, Larry, one is bad.
Oh, so you want the high number. Hey, with a little hard work and determination, maybe you could become a two. That's not nice, Rich. Which makes sense coming from a two charisma. A two charisma?
There is no way. Why would you even be friends with me? Because I'm not smart.
So you think these stats are accurate? Ha, not a chance. Could a two strength do this many gun lifts? One a thousand, two a thousand, two and a half, but you know, round it up a little bit, a half thousand. Only you were as strong as you are loyal.
Who? Three, four, five, woo! See, you never loser. I'm going to take over a spaceship. Wait, Larry.
I think this tablet is more powerful than we thought. Huh? Oh, I get it now. Man, this gun's heavy. Don't you see what this means?
We can be as smart or strong or charismatic as we want. But only at the expense of something else. Wait, am I smarter than you now? Can't have that. My mistake. So obvious in retrospect.
Whoa, Rich, are you okay? No, you moron. Give me back my strength. Oh, you want to be strong, do you? Well, too bad because now all you are is...
Nice to me. Larry, Larry, Larry. It's your best friend, Rich. Hey, Rich. Oh, man. I love you, man. Isn't it neat we're in space? Hey, Rich, got your nose. Oh, man.
Right from under my helmet. First Treadlord's tablet, now this? Gosh, you're some kind of steel king, master thief.
Yeah. You know something? You should take over the spaceship. You think? Sure.
Why, with your wits, your good looks, and my nose? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No intelligence. No loyalty.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Wow, yeah. Maybe some things are better not messed with. What do you think awareness is? Huh?
What's the harm in a bar? Yeah, right. What's the harm in a bar?
So we're pawns. I guess I knew that on some level. Keep us on low intelligence and high on loyalty for a reason. That makes sense. We're the bad guys? We're animated characters in a series that's been rebooted already. That's enough for today. |
SaturdayNightLive | memorable_weekend_update_moments_season_48_saturday_night_live | Ah, I told them not to laugh at your favorite things. I was truly like, am I not mic'd? And then I was just like, oh, I just suck.
Last month's Senate Minority Leader Mitch Mcconnell expressed concern about Republicans' chances in the midterms blaming candidate quality. here to explain what he meant is Mitch Mcconnell and Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker. Yeah, let's go team, Alright. So, Herschel, you're a former Nfl player. Yes. with no political experience. that's right. And you were caught lying about having three secret children. Yes, sir. So, Senator Mcconnell, do you really think this guy's ready to be a Senator? It doesn't matter what I think. it matters what I say, and I say, Go Herschel Walker. Well, I love you too, Mitch Mcconnell. See, we not so different. me and Mitch are like two peas in a bag. Alright, well, Herschel, you've already said some pretty bizarre things that they've got some Republicans worried.
I mean, for example, you said, quote, our good air decided to float over to China's bad air. So, when China gets our good air, the bad air got to move out. What does that mean? Oh, gee, I'll slow down so you can understand. we all know air, right?
Air Bud. yeah. Air Jordan. Sure. Aaron Brockovich. indeed.
You see, science don't understand. everybody's talking about climate, but what we really should be focusing on is putting Hawaii closer. Oh, oh, yeah. bring that climate over here. that's a good idea. I like that. they don't need it. they little. So, that's something we need to look at very, very closely.
Right, bitch? Right, it's Mitch. Yeah, that's exactly right.
Okay, well, Senator Mcconnell, I got to ask, what qualifications does this guy actually have to be in the Senate? Well, there's too many to name. First of all, he played football, And Georgia loves football. everybody loves football, baseball. in fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes, Okay? that's right. And listen, listen, if we come from apes, why are there still apes out there? Riddle me that, Obama, Michelle. what are you talking about? do you have any real policy proposals?
Of course I do. you know what? I wrote a few down for Mitch on the way over here. here, here, go ahead. read that there, there, Mitch. Sure. Proposal Number One, Barbecue Tuesday. There it is. Number two, let's get a daytime moon. that way, no more rain. Boom. And number three, create a Department of Instagram booty. too many girls out here faking their cake. it ain't right. it ain't right. you know what? You know what, Hershel, why don't you just tell them about yourself? Oh, okay, yeah. thank you, Stitch. I don't mind if I do. where's my camera? is it down here? No, it's right there, man. it's there.
Oh, okay. how's America? my name is Hershel Berger, and I play football for the U.s. Senate. whenever I'm in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers, George Carver, Washington, the Jeffersons, and Benjamin Frankenstein. they changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I'm the government, we gonna see. Thank you. Okay, Miss Mcconnell and Hershel Walker, everybody. yeah, we gonna be looking into that.
This summer, an invasive species, the Spotted Lantern Fly, has spread throughout the Northeast, destroying local vegetation. experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on sight. And if you've seen one, you might agree. let's take a look. I'm a Spotted Lantern Fly.
I don't care what experts say. I'm gonna eat your craw. scientists are concerned about my high reproductive capacity because I'm a player. that's why people call me a player. my life's goals are to lay eggs, be on Judge Judy, and to eat every crop. And there's nothing these stupid farmers can do to change my mind.
Wow. Well, let's bring a mount, a Spotted Lantern Fly, everyone. Oh, yeah! show me, boo me, haters. your haters can kiss my ass, aka my seminal secretion town. Oh, Lantern Fly, you're coming in a little aggressive. Oh, I'm aggressive. I'm the one who's doing the aggressive Michael T. they're telling their children to stop me to death.
What is this, Mazda Germany? I think you mean Nazi Germany. I don't know what I mean.
I'm a bug. I'm just trying to live my life, find a mate, and have 3,000 to 4,000 babies. that's a lot of babies. hey, they hatin',' I'm makin'. hey, who wouldn't want to sit on this? Oh, your wing is gettin'' rouge. yeah, uh, that's what y'all look like tryin' to stomp me. Ugh, ugh, keep stompin'. I didn't look gorgeous. dead, bitch. Okay, Lantern Fly, relax. What do you say to the people accusing you of being an invasive species? invasive?
Oh, my family's been in this country for generations, any of them. And how long is that? About four months.
Well, you've also been threatening to local vegetation. Oh, how? how? Oh, because I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it's dead. y'all got a problem with that? Oh, I'm here now, bitch. cash me outside, suckin'' all your trees to death. Lantern Fly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean, people rely on the crops. You're destroyin'.' I don't care. Crops knows what they did. crops stray to me. and if I see crops, I'm suckin'' them on sight. Well, Lantern Fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight. Oh, hell no. let's bring crops out.
No. try to suck me to death. Try. we can't even fly. Yes, I kind of can. Oh, you do a lot of talkin',' but you ain't doin' a lot of suckin'.' Oh, hell no. And Lantern Fly, everybody. keep stompin',' bitch. keep stompin'.'
The Major League Baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. Here to give us his thoughts is new Snl cast member, Marcelo Hernandez. what's up, Marcelo? So are you a baseball fan?
Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba, and my dad is from the Dominican Republic. So, obviously, they're divorced.
But it also means I love baseball. you know, Latinos dominate baseball. And I'm not saying we're naturally better. I'm just saying we're more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball?
Tanner from Kentucky? Or a guy that they call Poppy and no one knows why? This guy got so good at his job, everyone started calling him Dad. Like Colin, has anybody here ever called you daddy?
I'd rather not say. What about. What about, like, Aaron Judge, right?
He just hit his 60-second home run, set the Al record. Yeah, I think it's impressive, Colin. but there just wasn't enough emotion for me. he hits his 60-second home run, puts the bat down gently, and then it's a couple of high-fives and straight to the dugout. when a Dominican guy hits a home run, Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension. And once he gets the home plate, he thanks everyone he's ever encountered. he's like, thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy from the Bodega, that one time. everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. the American announcer, who's been speaking English the whole game, gets an accent all of a sudden. now this guy named Jeff is like, and now, coming to the plate, from Santo Domingo, Sterling Marte. cue the merengue music. even the white guys in the crowd are like, do, do, do, ding, dang, dang, dang, dang. Then this guy comes up and he pulls a chain out of nowhere. he tells the pitcher to relax. and then he brings Jesus into it. he's like, in the name of the father and that's how I know he's calling. And then once he gets to batting, Colin, it's all hips.
Do you feel that, Colin? I'm pretty sure I feel it, yeah. everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he's done that.
And the post-game interviews are different, Colin. white guys are so boring. they're always talking about the game. it's like, we had a game plan and we executed it. But I bet Latin guys do it different? don't do that, Colin. I don't like that. But yes, it is very different. after a baseball game, Latin guys, if they do get a sentence off in English, it's not about the game. the reporter is like, what was going through your head on that 3-2 slider? And then Ramon is like, man, I love Miami, man. the weather, the people, the food is amazing. And if you notice, Colin, they really only speak English until they lose patience. You ask them a loaded question and they go, for this season, I think that. nah, I can't talk about it. you don't know some folk. I don't know what salivary is. we're a salad. bananas, everyone.
Thank you, New York. families around the country are getting ready for parties and trick-or-treating. Here with his thoughts is our own drunk uncle. Marjorie Taylor Greene! Happy Halloween, everybody! Oh, I'm sorry. you can't even say, it's All Hallows' Eve anymore. you got to call it all Hallows' Steve. ugh. uh-uh. I don't think you do. So, drunk Uncle, you say you're ready for Halloween? Halloween is socialism, Colin. these kids today, they don't even work. they don't even work hard jobs no more.
Do you know? when I was a kid, we were shoeshines, chimney sweeps, extra paper boys. Do you know? nowadays, it's just. excuse me, can you instacart me some mochi? what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. can you minecraft my metaverse, please? no. you be real. All right. well. So, I guess you're not excited for Halloween?
Tom was too good for Giselle! All right. okay. all right. okay. all right. what do you. what do you. what do you. tiktok dance. eh. tiktok dance. Okey-gokey mopopop. Okey-gokey tiktok dance. you like it.
I do. I do. the whole country's far apart, Colin!
Okay? everybody's quiet quitting now. quiet quitting? Excuse me, I quit. Excuse me? I quit. you know, we used to quit loud because they hired a lady manager, and we were scared.
And also, a few. a couple of those emagrantes, Ilagado, if you know what I mean. yeah, I think. you know? is-a-me-a-cris-a-prat-a. Berf. not my Mario. uh, Trump. Trump Uncle. Yeah, I was there on January 6th! what? Take me! and shame me me. Oh. oh, no. Trump Uncle.
So, I'm not Lyle Lyle crocodile, Okay? So, I didn't graduate from Abbott Elementary, Okay? So, I'll never be beyond burgers, Okay? Never!
What else do I have to say? that's not me. Yeah, I don't think that's anyone.
Donda! No. Donda! Donda! you don't have to talk about Conda.
Oh, yes, I most certainly do, Colin. okay? I've been listening to a whole lot of what he has to say. Oh, no. okay? and guess what? I think he might be crazy. you know, that kind of talk doesn't fly anymore, Seth.
I learned to lock door in the. I learned to. I learned to lock door in the pandemic more, Okay? I did the work. I know that black atoms matter.
No. okay? I saw Bros in theaters, pal. okay? and no homo? it was great. okay? I said it before, and I'll say it again. gay guys are still funnier than women. Okay. okay. knock, knock.
Who's there? Elon. Elon? Who?
I don't know, but he just made me Ceo of Twitter. drunk uncle, everyone. I have monkey packs! So many midterm raises tightening, it's hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls, social issues or economic concerns.
Here to comment is Tammy the Trucker, who promises she's here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What? Hey, Tammy! Tammy the Trucker! Breaker, Breaker! Big Mama! Over! Wow, Tammy. So you are a trucker who is very affected by gas prices.
I guess that makes sense to me. Yes, I thought it would, Colin Jost. that's why I'm here.
Tammy the Trucker! And what was that about? Not talking about abortion? No, no, no, no, no. Breaker, Breaker! Double Dipper! I got a Big Daddy on my tail. And all I'm here to talk about is gas, even though the Supreme court sent Roe V. Wade to that big pit stop in the sky. Beep, beep! Yeah, 50 years of precedent. beep, beep! worse, both. Cecily, are you okay? it seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion. calm your cooter down, Beaver Kniever. I'm Tina the trucker, whatever name I gave you.
And I got to be in Rancho Cucarumba by nightfall. Rancho Cucarumba?
Cecily, what are you doing? I don't know, Colin.
I am just trying to get through this moment, Okay? gas prices are up and families are really hurting. but that's not going to magically disappear no matter who you vote for. we're in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war. Hong Kong! Breaker, Breaker! But what will keep disappearing is safe access to abortion. it's not really magic, because they told us that's exactly what they're going to do, and they've been doing it. Breaker, Breaker!
Big Daddy, I got a double nickel on the big slab. did you just, like, google trucker term? Oh, like research? Yeah, here, hold that. you can beep it.
Look, I don't want to talk about abortion on live Tv or peacock, whatever that counts as. But these are scary times, okay? Because they don't want to just take away access to health care. they want to criminalize it, too. I mean, it's so bad us truckers are all out here warning each other to delete our period tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I wear my bad underwear. but I can't, in case some dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime.
Aruba! I don't think it's Aruba. I think it's Aruga.
Do you have something against. you are riding my ass, dude. My point is. give me that. My point is, you shouldn't have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide health care for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first.
Beep, beep. beep, beep. Watch this. Am I clear? am I rear clear? Beep.
And I'm backing up about 50 years into the past. Okay, I got you. I got you.
Yeah. look, yeah, I know this wasn't fun for you, Okay? let me give you some little chucker toys, Okay? Oh, that's nice. here you go. here's a Nudie mag, and here's this. Oh. is this Gatorade? Well, it was at one point. look at your naked gals, okay?
Look, the truth is, I have felt pretty helpless over the past year, and it's hard to know what to say to make other truckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here's the thing I can say. there's one mother-chuckin' thing we can do to fight for mother-chuckin' freedom to make our own health care decisions, And that's vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. we all love someone who's had an abortion. I mean, drives a truck. Beep, beep.
Tammy the Chucker, everyone. Well, guys, we are six shows into the new season. here to discuss a personal gripe with me is our very own Sarah Sherman. Oh, God, what did I do now? none of these jokes are about me. it's all midterms. This, trump that, But what about Sarah? we can't do jokes about you, Sarah. but I can, and I'm gonna do them all here right now. You brought your own set? of course I did, because yours looks ugly. I'm Sarah, and this is the Sarah News.
A tunnel below Niagara Falls recently opened to the public for the first time in over a century. a musty old tunnel letting people back in after years of disuse.
I can only hope, said my boyfriend. that's right, America. I have a boyfriend. don't let the queer haircut fool ya, honey. I'm as straight as Michael Che's update persona.
Clear this week, Elon Musk suspended Twitter's paid verification system. Well, I guess the only check mark next to my name will be the one on Kanye's list of Jews to keep an eye on. Okay, all right. all right, I think that's enough jokes about Sarah. Bro, I'm only gonna say this once, stop touching my leg under the table. I'm not doing that. it's time for World News. today, I'll be doing a story on, whoa, Pennsylvania. point in the middle of the ocean. Okay, what are you, a Geographer? relax, bro.
In Pennsylvania news, Senator-elect and big gorgeous monster, John Fitterman has received criticism for his casual dress. And I agree. those cargo shorts and hoodies don't belong on the senate floor. they belong crumpled up on my bedroom floor. Hachi-machi, Thanksgiving Must've come early this year because that hunk is giving the turkey waddle between my legs something to be thankful for.
Oh my God, that is disgusting. somebody's jealous. Speaking of disgusting, I recently had an allergic reaction that made my face look like this. But on the bright side, now I have a picture to show the Hr lady when she asks, what did Colin ever do to you? Sarah, that is horrible. All right, we have to end this. Why? so you can get back to like whatever this crap is. Hey, guys, by the way, these aren't notes. they're just Colin's little drawings of me. you planted that.
Sarah Sherman, everyone. this is a holiday season, which can be especially tough for children of divorce. here to comment is: Child of Divorce, Michael Longfellow. Good days, everyone. Happy Holidays, Colin. Happy Holidays, Michael.
So your parents are divorced. was that hard for you? No. I was a tiny little baby. I have no memory of them ever being together. to be honest, until I got older, I wasn't even sure if they knew each other. I remember one time a kid on the playground told me, you know, your parents had sex to have you. and I was like, well, I don't think they've met, so that's stupid. Well, sure, you were aware that at some point they met, right? I wasn't. And don't call me Shirley.
Snake's on a plane. it's not. Snake's on a plane. obviously, the holidays, though, must have been more difficult with divorced parents.
I disagree. there are perks to having parents that are always getting married and, you know, divorced and married again. you ever asked for a brother for Christmas and actually get one? I have. And I didn't have to wait for him to grow up. he came off the shelf, ready to go. we were playing catch that day. Wow. well, that must have been nice. Must have it. it was. I'm sorry. And brothers aren't the only thing divorced has given me. it's given me sisters, moms, dads, and all of different genres.
Like you have my real dad, who's very strict and quiet and wears suits. And then you have my newest dad, Terry, who's a semi-neutest I've seen naked 43 times.
Wait, what? And I'll tell you this, Colin. when you see your mom's boyfriend naked, you think a lot of things. but you don't think it's going to happen 42 more times. well, I at least hope he has a nice body, you know. Why? you know what? I don't know. never mind.
So are you saying you're then pro-divorce? Well, my dad is a divorce attorney, so put food on my table. Wait, so your father is a divorce attorney who's also been divorced? multiple times. I mean, this guy walks the walk. is he a bad husband or a workaholic? man's an artist. he's out in the field getting his hands dirty. But he was still a great dad. he told me everything a kid should know. you know, brush your teeth, do your homework. if infidelity can't be proven, they're only entitled to 30 percent. And it's not easy to prove in a court of law. text messages are not enough. it's good to know. Alright, so it sounds then that your dad enjoys his work. Oh, absolutely. in fact, he met his current wife because he handled her divorce. some would say that's a conflict of interest, but I'd just say he's got that dog in him.
I'm gonna look like a lone fella, everyone. And don't call me Shirley.
2022 is almost over, and ooh, we did a lot happen. here to help us make sense of it All is two-time Heisman Trophy stealer, Kathy Ann. that's adorable. I love your Santa hat. Oh, yeah, well, it's covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit scalped. you got scalped? yeah, yeah, I fell asleep on an escalator. it is just a mess up here, but you know what? at least now the curtains match the drapes. Oh.
I'm yuck, Kathy Ann. what does that mean? Yeah, yuck. let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out. Alright, let's get back on track, Kathy Ann. what's got your goose tonight? Well, thank you for asking, you sexy piece of crap. actually, I'm a little emo tonight, because the truth is, I'm here to say goodbye. wait, where are you going?
Turns out, Prison. Prison? Yeah, yeah, well, the drugs I confess to you here for the past seven years finally caught up with me. you know, drug use, trespassing, destruction of property, crack. impressinating a police horse, meth and crack. Oh, and, uh, dude, a couple of sonic attacks. a sonic attack? like what the Russians do with sound waves? uh, no. I did an upper decker in a self-serve machine out of sound air. But good, a lot of people did end up with pretty bad head aches. See, everything worked out okay, because I made a plea deal. I went up getting life in prison. that's a bad deal. Well, they wanted to kill me. and they could have a bit of chair back, made me watch them test it, cut a little hat on me and everything. Whew, that's chilling. I'm really sorry you're going to prison.
Oh, no, I'm not. You know, I think it's actually going to give me some much needed stability. And I'm not too scared, because I got friends on the inside. they seem to be doing okay.
I mean, I met you, we fell in love, we made a sex tape. Kathy Ann, you getting caught on my ring cam masturbating is Not a sex tape. Well, potato, clamato, that's supposed to be the bomb. don't you think I forgot about you? here's a picture of you and me doing an update together. Whoa. Kathy, yeah, you look so different. What happened? Okay, excuse me, look at you. have you seen you now versus when you started, Mr. Silver Fox, turning into Obama?
All right, that's fair. No, listen, listen, everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? it's just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here. and I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people that I love so much. But I don't know. I guess take that with a grain of salt being that I have addiction issues. it's like another great drug addict once said, there's no place like home, And there's no home like the place where I've gotten to yell outside Michael Che's window. But don't be sad, because remember, I did it high chain.
Kathy Ann, everybody! Oh, My. God!
Well, according to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. here to encourage young people to get involved in local government Is a longtime employee of the City of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate. Hi, April. what? nothing. you said you came out here to talk about local government. I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. so, yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. if you're young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something. Okay. are there other jobs? you want me to list them? Okay. fine. drive a bus. you don't have to be on time. nobody cares. work for the water department. you can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn't find any. Yeah, because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part. Okay, all right. okay, but what if you actually want to work hard? I don't know. you're annoying me. just ask my old boss.
Leslie, no. Michael Che? Wow! look at this! I knew there were cameras at Snls.
Yeah, yeah, so you work for the government. yeah, park service, yeah. So, how much fun is it working here? do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day? not like 8 a.m. but yeah, generally. how does it take to run a federal agency? Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job, But I want to pick your brain about this job, about this show. because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. Look really easy. Yeah, yeah, so you said you were here to talk about the government?
Yeah, but quick question. President Biden, when he zoomed in before, could he see me or were the cameras off? I think he pre-recorded that. Oh, I thought this show was live. well, most of it is.
Oh my God, can we just please go? This guy has been bothering me for like a half an hour. Yeah, we can't stay long. we have a timed entry ticket to the M&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold, do you mind if I try to tell a joke? I would love it. please. that was good. Okay, let's see what you got. Okay, all right.
Oh no, that's too mean. Oh, what? no, that's way too mean.
Okay, I'll do this one. a town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. the service has expanded to puppies thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil rights icon Rosa Barks. This week, Wendy's announced they'd be bringing back their Vanilla Frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022.
Here to talk about it with her. Good News report is every boxer's girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever. How you doing? how are you, Angel? I've been better.
Well, does your boyfriend Tommy have a fight tonight? he better not. because the last guy hit Tommy so hard, there's no more clams in his chowder. I love him so much. But I swear to God, if he fights again, I'm taking the Kiss of my Sisters.
God, well, in good news, the Vanilla Frosty is making a comeback. Oh, come on. what is it? Wendy's, You think a Vanilla Frosty has a shot going up against chocolate? You're sick. So, Vanilla Frosty, if I see you back on the value menu, I'm not taking the kiss to Wendy's.
I'm taking the kiss of my sisters. All of them. Mikey, Nicky's, Pepe's, Kino, and the twin.
How you doing, Okay, Angel? barely. barely. I'm doing a lot better than Tommy. I can tell you that.
Creed ruined Mj. Wait, Tommy fought Adonis Creed? Creed hit Tommy so hard his eye flew out. landed in Pepe's lap. the one night I forgot to take the kiss of my sisters. Jesus. So where is he? I know Creed's here. you've been advertising the fight all week. Creed versus Lil Baby Live on Peacock.
No, Angel, there's no fight tonight. Oh, yeah? yeah. then what's all this? Cams, sold-out crowd. I'm looking at Jamie Foxx and Gina Gershon sitting front row next to Cocaine Bear. that's just a black guy sitting next to a white woman in a big coat. I don't care.
I want Creed! Angel! Adonis Creed, you know you're the reason my kid's dad watches more Sesame Street than they do. You ever think about us, Angel? don't. Who? remember? Before Tommy, there was Creed. You remember Lil Nicky? he's yours, Creed. What?
Tommy never asked why one of his kids was black? Tommy don't see color. that's nice. No, he don't see any colors, numbers, or shapes. his potato is baked, Creedy.
Angel, look at me. you're coming home with me tonight. But what about Tommy? what about the kids? Listen, from now on, I'm taking the kids to your sister's. Oh!
Every boxer's girlfriend And Adonis Creed, everybody. the United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and Queen soon, launching a new era of the British monarchy. here to comment are British rappers Millie Pounce and Shirty. Thanks, Che. thanks, Che. So, guys, what's going on with the Royal Family? I mean, can you give us an update? right, right.
Okay, listen, Mate. okay. all the focus is on the Royals, right? when it should be on England's exploitative tabloid press, right? it's pants, Mate. Pants. Rubbish, Mate. pants. sorry, pants, mate. it's pants, okay? it's pants. What are pants? it's pants. mm-hmm. the mean to our boy, Ariel, right? we know what really goes down.
We've known Harry since our days at eating. you guys went to eating? yeah. eating your mum's bum. No, but seriously, look, look. if you want us to sum up our thoughts, take out the pods and hear me, all right? cos we have a way of talking back in the ends. aight, 30. Millie Pounce. yeah. Prince Eric, Prince Eric, stayed over at Tyler Perry's, pressed cold like Brandon Jarrus. I'm allergic to Derry. Harry and Meghan. Ronald Reagan. interracial dating. Queen said not today's dating. they see us coming, right. I slide down the block like. your girl saw me and I. man's like me. got a million suitors cos I stay hot like John Wooers. guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. stop. who is John Wooer? Che, why did you stop it, mate? bro. we shared so many facts. you really didn't. Okay, listen, it's not all chicken shops and tikka masala. right? But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what's happening, where we come from, right? Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister, you know that. he got styles like airy. I'm allergic to Derry. your boyfriend's poor. I make more. I chat online with your girl like computers cos I stay hot like John Wooers.
Okay, wait, wait. what? what is. what is that? I grew up in New York in the 90s, okay, so I consider myself a pretty friggin'' fresh guy when it comes to hip-hop. but I have never heard that before. Okay, you see, back home, we don't really have guns, do we? But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us at all times, and those kind of sound like. yeah, okay, but who is John Wooers? Oh, oh, he's like a semi-obscured Dutch footballer from the 80s.
I get it, you guys like soccer, so can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about Fifa? how do the Brits feel about Fifa? Alright, check it. Fifa corrupt, Your girl told me what's up. I told her I'm trying to see that, but.
I'm allergic to Derry. Oh. tea, no coffee. Millie and me on the Vespa scooters. cos you stay hot like John Wooers. Millie piles and shirty everybody. I'm allergic to Derry.
Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees in all things Hollywood are Punky Johnson and Mikey Day. Alright, guys, so what can we expect from this year's Oscars?
Well, Colin, I'd love to tell you, but when Punky and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punky, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers. Ugh, this is true. she doesn't even know their names, really. here are some examples, and these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punky call Tony Hawk Tony hocking to his face. So, Punky, you confused the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius Physicist Stephen Hawking. I mean, look, they both white men wear wheels, so I mean. But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punky told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.
And who is Rick Bernstein? that is what I said. Well, so I said it's the guy with the genes. duh! the guy with the genes. I eventually figured out that Punky was referring to Living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein. Alright, look, I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. that dude wasn't big in my house, so sue a bitch.
So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it would be more fun to play a game we call. Who does Punky mean? are you down to play? I feel like I don't have a choice. right. everyone, you can play along. it's super fun.
Number one,: Punky referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship. uh, I don't know, Claire Danes maybe? Okay, let's see. is it Claire Danes? No! it's Anne Hathaway! wait, stop, I'll stop, I'll stop.
No, no, put the picture back up, Okay? I'm sorry. But does this bitch not look like a Claire? Okay. Okay, she does. that's fair. you're right.
What? Wait, all right, okay, all right, look. see what had happened was, right, I'm getting my makeup done Saturday for the show, because, you know, I got to look good for Norm Michaels, right? Norm Michaels? Anyway, I see Zoey walk past and I said, hey, don't I know you? Yes, you did, because she was hosting this show. that happened that week. My bad, Miss Deschanes.
Okay, last one, here we go, Patrick Dempsey. Okay, well, I think there's no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I'm going to say Patrick Stewart. Okay, nope, she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. She Knows Patrick Dempsey.
You're damn right. I do know Mr. Dempsey. Dr. Derek Shepler, baby. you're a fan of Grey's Anatomy?
We only have about a minute left at the end of Update. Here to fill it with some random impressions is James Austin Johnson. James, what is your first impression? Okay, here we go. This is Adam Driver as Kylo Ren from Star Wars on the Show Girls. Here we go. Hannah, do you know how difficult it is to be on the dark side of The Force? no, you don't, because you're a child!
Great, great. All right, what else you got?
Batman And he's reading Where's Waldo, Okay? Batman, we're reading Where's Waldo. Where is He?
Okay, that's great. I think we're already running out of time. this next impression would make a great sketch on the show. you should consider it. this is Jay-z and he's downstairs. Okay.
B.o.c.
Hold on. how would you play Jay-z? Oh, he'd be downstairs. we don't see him because he's downstairs.
I don't think you put much thought into this. Okay, look, I have a stockpile of useless two-second impressions that I don't know what to do with, so I just kind of thought, why not do them on Update: where it doesn't really matter? Look, I got to get these impressions out, Okay? it's my brand, all right? bartenders won't even look at me at the after-party unless I do my Trump voice. we've been waiting a very long time for that.
Negroni. this is much too long. it's a three-ingredient drink. Okay, all right, okay. very thirsty. we love Negroni. All right, we have time for one more impression, but it's got to be quick. Okay, I got the perfect one. this is Bob Dylan's cell phone on vibrate. Okay. mmm. mmm. James Austin Johnson, everyone.
Well, great news for conservatives. New York is finally cracking down on crime. former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels, and the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie because I'm deeply ashamed at how excited I am to watch it. Trump will reportedly surrender next week, but his lawyer, Joe Takapina, who Trump definitely calls Joe Tapioca, said that the President will not be put in handcuffs, though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman t-shirt. When Trump surrenders, New York City Police will take his official mugshot, which you know is the only thing Trump cares about getting right. I'm sure he's hoping it'll look cool like Frank Sinatra's, but I bet it'll end up closer to Nick Nolte. Trump is reportedly being charged with 34 counts of business fraud. business fraud is also what they call the Trump costume at Spirit Hollowing. President Biden on Friday told reporters that he had no comment on Trump's indictment, and then he danced away like the Six Flags guy. I think in general that people might be overreacting to this indictment. Like, an actual headline on Cnn yesterday was, nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging and possible trial and conviction of a former President. A more accurate headline would be, man we all knew was criminal may be criminal. at this point it feels like even pro-trump people have moved on.
I mean, I went down to the courthouse today, and I was the only protester there. I told them not to laugh at your favorite shoes. I was truly like, am I not, Mike? And then I was just like, oh, I just suck. All right, moving right along. represented in Marjorie Taylor Greene. you're evil.
There was controversy this week when Lsu Women's basketball star Angel Reese refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team's national championship, but now she has decided to go. So here the comment is: Angel Reese. the Louisiana stand-top. Well, Angel, you had quite a week. Yeah, I got people big, man. First day was mad because I was taunting, but all I did was this.: you would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flipped it on national Tv. Then they were mad because I didn't want to go to the White House. But, Che, they invited Iowa, too.
But they lost. exactly. In the history of sports, when you lose, you take your ass home. But then white girls lose, and suddenly it's all team's matter.
Well, I'm glad you changed your mind. that'll be pretty cool. Yeah, it'll be cool. For them, I'm a big deal now, Che. since college players get endorsements now, I'm about to cash in, And my brand works for anything. how did it sound, Che? Degree deodorant. y'all stank. it seems aggressive. Okay, okay, okay. how about this one?
Gardenos. Man, get your little ass out my face. that's a commercial for Gardenos?
Yeah. you have the money, right? Now, here's my favorite. big-ass eyelashes. empowering women ballers. it's nothing left against since 1972. Well, Angel, I'm glad that you're enjoying the moment. Hell, yeah, I am.
Look, last week, women's sports was boring. now, all y'all talking about is women's sports all this week. Why? Because women is bawling right now.
Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa. I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. Boop! The only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could have picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl's head like I was in an annual tour, But, you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. and now I'm just sitting back getting all this baby Gap money.
Why are you endorsed by Baby Gap? Because all these bitches is my son's. Angel, Reese, everybody. you can't see me!
This week, Governor Ron Desantis ramped up his war on Disney after they stopped his attempts to control Disney World's District. here to comment is the villain from the movie Aladdin, Jafar. Hello, Michael. So, this is the famous Rockefeller Palace. Okay, so, Jafar, as a Disney character, what do you think of Ron Desantis? you mean, the boy? Well, Michael, as far as villains go, the boy's an amateur. he has no Riz, no spark, no drip. the look is giving Baby Mayor. I mean, he did wear those white cowboy boots, But let's be honest, they wore him. Well, you might not look the part, but are you saying Desantis isn't bad enough?
Not at all! Don't get me wrong, the boy is plenty evil. I mean, banning Rosa Parks in schools. I'm a dark sorcerer, and even I was like, jesus, dude, it's Rosa Parks. Yeah, now he's coming for Disney after their stance against his don't-say-gay bill. if the boy thinks he can somehow prevent Disney World from being gay, that carpet has flown. know what I mean? No, I really don't.
I mean, if you open up Grindr on Main Street, Usa, your phone explodes. Neverwhere else in the park, it's nothing but 40-year-old men with braces.
I don't know what that is, but it ain't straight. Oh, are you saying that you're. are there light in the loafers? did my John Waters stash not tip you off? Of course I'm gay, you petulant fool. my waist is snatched, my eyeliner on point, my final form is a yoked genie with gorgeous nails, and a high micro-pony. But yeah, Michael, I love cooch. Yeah, I got it.
Well. it seems like Desantis doesn't even want anything remotely gay happening at Disney World at all. there's already a Disney World where nothing gay happens. it's called Six Flags. there are lots of us at Disney, Michael. Ursula is a lesbian, Scar is Bi, and Mulan just got top surgery. congrats to them. Now, if I may, I'd like to address the boy, Desantis. Well, if it isn't the swab rat, Bravo for attempting to seize our precious land, only to be thwarted once again by the House of Mouse. you pitiful straight, you can try to stop us, boy, but we will outsmart you at every turn. Don't say gay. Well, if there is no gay, there is no Disney, And everyone loves Disney, including you, because your dumb ass got married there. And that's the gayest thing you can do. So, I'm sorry, Miss Desantis, the gay shall stay and you shall shea away. Yes, your earring, it intrigues me. No, no, no, Jafar, everybody. the wedding was at the Grand Floridian, It was gorgeous. it was a gorgeous wedding. At the start of this year, over 400 anti. since the start of this year, over 400 anti-lgbtq bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth. here to talk about it is someone with their own introduction. introducing Snl's first non-binary cast member, it's Molly Carney.
Made it, thank you, Mr. J. Molly, what is all this? Well, as you know, I've been wanting to come to update and talk about trans people, but I have for a much longer time than that. Wanted to fly down from the ceiling. And did it live up to your expectations? Yeah, but I'm not gonna lie, this harness is pretty tight and my groin area is beefed. I've been hung up on my genitals for far too long and I'm starting to feel like a frickin'' republican lawmaker. Hello!
That's an awesome transition, So as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting health care for trans kids. Listen to that, Michael. Yeah. restricting health care for kids. for some reason, there's something about the word trans that makes people forget the word kids. if you don't care about trans kids' lives, it means you don't care about frickin' kids' lives.
I can tell you really upset about that. I am! And also, my legs are going numb and I might pass out!
Molly, how long were you hanging up there? longer than I would have liked. I tried to call down, but no one could hear me. you know, at one point, I heard a crew guy say, is she gonna die up there? And then another guy was like, you mean, are they going to die up there? And then they both walked away and didn't help!
Which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now. But don't worry, we have a code word for emergencies and it was trans rights. Oh, my gosh! good golly! that was the code. Full confetti! My bad, Bud. that was so loud. Well, yeah, people need to wake up. we're making trans kids grow up too fast. we should be keeping them safe and we need to lift them up. Oh, not mean them! I mean the kids! Shame! they got my pronouns! What's happening, kids, is wrong and you don't need to be scared. our job is to protect you and your job is to focus on being a kid. it's kind of like me flying in the Snl sky. there's a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling what and where you're allowed to be.
But if you just hang on, you'll look up and realize, you're flying, kid! Hey! hey, Mr. J, am I still in the frame? I mean, your feet are. Nice! Trans Rights! Yes! Molly Kearney, everybody!
When we get down to it, I'm Michael Shane. I'm Collin Jones. Good night. music. You remember Lil Nicky? he's yours, Creed. What?
Tommy never asked why one of his kids was black? Tommy don't see color. that's nice. No, he don't see any colors, numbers or shapes. his potato is baked, Creedy.
Angie, look at me. you're coming home with me tonight. But what about Tommy? what about the kids? Listen, from now on, I'm taking the kids to your sister's. Every boxer's girlfriend and Adonis creed, everybody. the United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and Queen soon, launching a new era of the British Monarchy. here to comment are British rappers Millie Pounds and Shirty.
Thanks, Jay.
So, guys, what's going on with the Royal Family? can you give us an update? Right, right. Ok, listen, Mate. all the focus is on the Royals, right? when it should be on England's exploitative tabloid press. it's pants, Mate. pants. rubbish, Mate. pants. sorry, pants. it's pants, Ok? it's pants. What are pants? it's pants. the mean to our boy area, right? We know what really goes down. We've known Harry since our days at Eton. you guys want to Eton? Yeah. Eton, your mum's bum. No, but seriously, look, look. if you want us to sum up our thoughts, take out the pods and hear me, All right? Because we have a way of talking back in the end. aight, shirty. Millie pounds? yeah.
Prince Eric, Prince Eric. stayed over at Tyler Perry's. pressed cold like Brandon Jerry's. I'm allergic to dairy.
Harry and Meghan. Ronald Reagan. interracial dating. Queen said not today's dating. they see us coming like.
I slide down the block like. your girl saw me and I. man's like me. Got a million suitors because I stay hot like John Wooers. Guys, guys, guys, guys. guys, guys, no. facts. Who is John Wooer? Che, why did you stop it, mate? bro. we shared so many facts. facts. you really didn't. Okay, listen, it's not all chicken shops and tikka masala. Blast off. right? But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what's happening where we come from, right? re-sheet, soon. That Prime Minister, You know that he got styles like aerie. I'm allergic to dairy. your boyfriend's poor. I make more. I chat online with your girl like computers because I stay hot like John Wooers.
Okay, wait, wait. what. what is. What is that?
Look, I grew up in New York in the 90s, okay, so I consider myself a pretty frickety fresh guy when it comes to hip-hop. but I have never heard that before. Okay, you see, back home, we don't really have guns, do we? but. But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us at all times, and those kind of sound like. yeah, okay, oh, oh, but who is John Wooers? oh, oh, he's like a semi-obscured Dutch footballer from the 80s.
All right, I get it. you guys like soccer, so can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about Fifa? how do the Brits feel about Fifa? All right, check it. Fifa, corrupt. your girl told me what's up. I told her I'm trying to see that, but.
I'm allergic to damn hoes. put on my shirt clips. tea, no coffee. Millie and me on the best Pascuzzas. Can you say, how about Young Wooer? Millie piles and shirty, everybody. I really am allergic to David.
Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punky Johnson and Mikey Day. All right, guys, so what can we expect from this year's Oscars?
Well, Colin, I'd love to tell you, but when Punky and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punky, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers. this is true. she doesn't even know their names, really. here are some examples, and these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punky call Tony Hawk Tony Hocking to his face. So, Punky, you confused the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius Physicist Stephen Hawking. I mean, look, they both white men wear wheels, So I mean. what's that look? The best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punky told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.
And who is Rick Bernstein? that is what I said. Well, so I said it's the guy with the genes, duh. the guy with the genes. I eventually figured out that Punky was referring to Living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein. All right, look, I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. that dude wasn't big in my house, so Sue of it.
So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it would be more fun to play a game we call. Who does Punky mean? are you down to play? I feel like I don't have a choice. right. everyone, you can play along. it's super fun.
Number one,: Punky referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship.
I don't know. Claire Danes, maybe? Okay, let's see. is it Claire Danes? No! it's Anne Hathaway! wait, sorry about that.
I'm really happy.
No, no, put the picture back up, okay? I'm sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire? Okay. okay, she does. that's fair. you're right. Number two, Zoey Deschanel. who does punky mean? tell me what you're thinking, Colin. I am thinking that this one Has To be Zoey Deschanel. Okay, lock it in. Is Zoey Deschanel Zoey Deschanel? No, Zoey! Zoey! wait, all right, Okay, all right, look. see what had happened was, right? I'm getting my makeup done Saturday for the show, because, you know, I got to look good for Norm Michaels, right? Norm Michaels? Anyway, I see Zoey walk past and I said, hey, don't I know you? Yes, you did, because she was hosting this show. that happened that week. My bad, Ms. Deschanel's. Okay, last one. here we go.
Patrick Dempsey. Okay, well, I think there's no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I'm going to say Patrick Stewart. Okay, nope, she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. she knows Patrick Dempsey. you're damn right.
By Bing Rhymes. I think you mean Shonda Rhymes. No, I think you mean busta rhymes. funky and mikey, everyone. funky!
We only have about a minute left at the end of update. here to fill it with some random impressions is James Austin Johnson. James, what is your first impression? Okay, here we go. this is Adam Driver as Kylo Ren from Star Wars on the Show Girls. here we go.
Hannah, do you know how difficult it is to be on the dark side of the Force? No, you don't, because you're a child!
Okay, great, great. All right, what else you got?
Batman, And he's reading where's Waldo, Okay? Batman, we're reading where's Waldo. Where is He?
Okay, well, that's great. I think we're already running out of time. this next impression would make a great sketch on the show. you should consider it. Sure. This is Jay-z, and he's downstairs.
B.o.c. B.o.c. would you play Jay-z?
Oh, he'd be downstairs. we don't see him, because he's downstairs.
Okay, great. I don't think you put much thought into this. Yeah, okay, look. I have a stockpile of useless two-second impressions that I don't know what to do with, so I just kind of thought, why not do them on Update, where it doesn't really matter. Look, I got to get these impressions out, okay? it's my brand, all right? bartenders won't even look at me at the after party unless I do my Trump voice. we've been waiting a very long time for that Negroni. this is much too long. it's a three-ingredient drink. Okay, all right. very thirsty. Okay. very thirsty. Okay. we love Negroni. All right, we have time for one more impression, but it's got to be quick. Okay, I got the perfect one. this is Bob Dylan's cell phone on vibrate. Okay. mmm. mmm. mmm. James, Austin Johnson, everyone.
Well, great news for conservatives. New York is finally cracking down on crime. former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels, and the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie, because I'm deeply ashamed at how excited I am to watch it. Trump will reportedly surrender next week, but his lawyer, Joe Takapina, who Trump definitely calls Joe Tapioca, said that the President will not be put in handcuffs, though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman t-shirt. When Trump surrenders, New York City police will take his official mugshot, which you know is the only thing Trump cares about getting right. I'm sure he's hoping it'll look cool like Frank Sinatra's, but I bet it'll end up closer to Nick Nolte. Trump is reportedly being charged with 34 counts of business fraud. business fraud is also what they call the Trump costume at Spirit Halloween. President Biden on Friday told reporters that he had no comment on Trump's indictment, and then he danced away like the Six Flags guy. I think in general that people might be overreacting to this indictment. like an actual headline on Cnn yesterday was, nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging and possible trial and conviction of a former President. a more accurate headline would be, man we all knew was criminal, may be criminal. at this point, it feels like even pro-trump people have moved on.
I mean, I went down to the courthouse today, and I was the only protester there. I told them not to laugh at your favorite foods. I was truly like, am I not mic'd? And then I was just like, oh, I just suck.
All right, moving right along. Oh! we're having a little Marjorie Taylor Greene. you're evil. There was controversy this week when Lsu's women's basketball star, Angel Reese, refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team's national championship, But now she has decided to go, So here the comment is: Angel Reese. Then Louisiana stands up. Well, Angel, you had quite a week. Yeah, I got people big, man. First day was mad because I was taunting, but all I did was this. you would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flipped it on national Tv. then they were mad because I didn't want to go to the White House. But, Che, they invited Iowa, too.
But they lost. exactly. In the history of sports, when you lose, you take your ass home. But then white girls lose, and suddenly it's all. teams matter.
Well, I'm glad you changed your mind. that'll be pretty cool. Yeah, it'll be cool. for them, I'm a big deal now, Che. Since college players get endorsements now, I'm about to cash in, and my brand works for anything. how did it sound, Che? mm-hmm. degree deodorant. y'all stink.
Well, it seems aggressive. Okay, okay, okay. How About this one?
Gardenos. Man, get your little ass out my face. Well, that's a commercial for Gardenos?
Yeah. it's the money, right? Now, here's my favorite. big-ass eyelashes. empowering women ballers. it's nothing left against since 1972. Well, Angel, I'm glad that you're enjoying the moment. Hell, yeah, I am. Look, last week, women's sports was boring. now, all y'all talking about is women's sports all this week. Why? Because women is balling right now.
Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa. I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. Boop. the only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could've picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl's head like I was in an A1 tour, but, you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. and now I'm just sitting back getting all this Baby Gap money.
Why are you endorsed by Baby Gap? Because all these bitches is my son's. Angel, Reese, everybody. you can't see me.
This week, Governor Ron Desantis ramped up his war on Disney after they stopped his attempts to control Disney World's District. Here to comment is the villain from the movie Aladdin, Jafar. Hello, Michael. So, this is the famous Rockefeller Palace. Okay, so Jafar, as a Disney character, what do you think of Ron Desantis? you mean the Boy?
Well, Michael, as far as villains go, the boy's an amateur. he has no Riz, no spark, no drip. the look is giving baby Mayor. I mean, he did wear those white cowboy boots, but let's be honest, they wore him. Well, he might not look the part, but are you saying Desantis isn't bad enough? Not at all. Don't get me wrong, the boy is plenty evil.
I mean, banning Rosa Parks in schools. I'm a dark sorcerer, and even I was like, jesus, dude, it's Rosa Park. Yeah, and now he's coming for Disney after their stance against his don't-say-gay bill. if the boy thinks he can somehow prevent Disney World from being gay, that carpet has flown. know what I mean?
No, I really don't. I mean, if you opened up Grindr on Main Street, Usa, your phone explodes. neverwhere else in the park, it's nothing but 40-year-old men with braces. I don't know what that is, but it ain't straight.
Oh, are you saying that your. are there a light in the loafers? did my John Waters stash not tip you off? Of course I'm gay, you petulant fool. my waist is snatched, my eyeliner on point, my final form is a yoked genie with gorgeous nails and a high micro pony. But yeah, Michael, I love Cooch. Yeah, I got it.
Well. it seems like Desantis doesn't even want anything remotely gay happening at Disney World at all. there's already a Disney World where nothing gay happens. it's called Six Flags. there are lots of it. as a Disney, Michael, Ursula's a lesbian, Scar is Bi, and Mulan just got top surgery, congrats to them. Now, if I may, I'd like to address the boy, Desantis. Well, if it isn't the swab rat, bravo for attempting to seize our precious land, only to be thwarted once again by the House of Mouse. you pitiful straight, you can try to stop us, boy, but we will outsmart you at every turn. Don't say gay. Well, if there is no gay, there is no Disney, and everyone loves Disney, including you, cos your dumb ass got married there. and that's the gayest thing you can do. So, I'm sorry, Miss Desantis, the gay shall stay and you sashay away.
Now, yes, your earring, it intrigues me. No, no, no, Jafar, everybody. The wedding was at the Grand Floridian, It was gorgeous. it was a gorgeous wedding.
At the start of this year, over 400 anti. Since the start of this year, over 400 anti-lgbtq bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth. here to talk about it is someone with their own introduction.
Introducing Snl's first non-binary cast member, it's Molly Carney! Made it, thank you, Mr. J. Molly, What is all this? Well, as you know, I've been wanting to come to update and talk about trans people, but I have for a much longer time than that wanted to fly down from the ceiling. And did it live up to your expectations? Yeah, but I'm not gonna lie, this harness is pretty tight and my groin area is beefed. I've been hung up on my genitals for far too long and I'm starting to feel like a frickin'' republican lawmaker. Hello!
That's an awesome transition, So as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting healthcare for trans kids. let's get into that, Michael. restricting healthcare for kids. For some reason, there's something about the word trans that makes people forget the word kids. if you don't care about trans kids' lives, it means you don't care about frickin' kids' lives.
I can tell you really upset about that. I am! And also, my legs are going numb and I might pass out!
Molly, how long were you hanging up there? longer than I would've liked. I called down but no one could hear me. You know, at one point, I heard a crew guy say, is she gonna die up there? And then another guy was like, you mean, are they going to die up there? which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now.
But don't worry, we have a code word for emergencies and it was Trans Rights. Oh my gosh! Good golly! that was the code. Full confetti! that was so loud!
Well, yeah, people need to wake up. we're making trans kids grow up too fast. we should be keeping them safe and we need to lift them up. Oh, not me, them! I mean the kids! Shame! they got my pro. what's happening, kids, is wrong and you don't need to be scared. our job is to protect you and your job is to focus on being a kid. it's kind of like me flying in the Snl sky. there's a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling when and where you're allowed to be. But if you just hang on, you'll look up and realize, you're flying, kid!
Hey! hey, Mr. J, am I still in the frame? I mean, your feet are. Nice! Trans Rights! Yes! Bobby Kearney, everybody! for week end update, I'm Michael Shane. I'm Colin Jost, Good night. cheering. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Punters_Politics | Welcome back to the Batuda Advocate radio show podcast known officially as Batuda Talks. You've got myself Clancy Overall and you've got Wendell Hussey here and today we're interviewing a bloke that I just keep seeing everywhere. Of course I don't see him on mainstream television stations, I don't see him on billboards but in this online world of Australian politics and the funnies that you see online you manage to walk in both worlds. So thank you for joining us Conrad from Punters Politics. G'day guys, thanks for having me. It's good I'm popping up on some algorithm feeds there whilst the mainline corporate media wants to ignore this sort of stuff. It's interesting that you've found traction because some of the things you're talking about in Punters Politics I find are kind of inconvenient truths and I don't say that in the kind of Al Gore kind of climate change thing.
The inconvenient truth where if you were to say what you said at a dinner party surrounded by relatives who all care about the planet and care about society but if you were to say that with no one around you able to refute anything you were saying it'd kind of just kill the mood, you know what I mean? That happens to me on the daily. This is probably why I started putting it online because I'd just be with friends being like, guys, did you know that Qatar made 80 billion dollars last year from their gas exports and we export more gas than them? They're like, man, like, cool, like, okay, what are you gonna do about it? And then did you see the footy last night? I'm the buskill, so I'm like, man, it's like, no, no way, of course not. That's right. So it's like, I went online, I suppose, because I'm like, man, no one's listened to me around my dinner table. Let's just take this online and see what happens.
Yeah, it's kind of like, don't be so political, is something that really kind of exists in Australia, I guess in New Zealand as well, I don't know where else, but it is kind of radical to even be political in Australia. We find, you know, we don't have many mainstream figures who are political, we just talked about it before. In England, you can have someone like Hugh Grant who stars in every rom-com that's ever mattered in British culture, who is an outspoken anti-Murdock military family, he has his political views and he shares them willingly, and that's just, the British just get along with that, because they kind of have a culture where you've got the clash and you've got all these kind of bands that are, you know, even the Stormzy is, you know, fuck the government, fuck Boris. It's not very Australian to act like that. And America has their, you know, America has their Bob Dylan's and their, even just hip-hop in itself is kind of quite political. You are from Australia, where the closest thing we would have to something like that is Paul Kelly and Jimmy Barnes, you know, talking about injustice or whatever, and even then, they're just storytellers, you know what I mean, they're not really political figures or activists by any means, and I'm not calling you an activist, but something has to happen for an Australian to speak up, right, whether it's Fozzie, you know, Craig Foster, and all of his experiences with refugees, that kind of radicalised him to the point of actually speaking up and, you know, and speaking out for people. He's not a radical by any means, but it's radical doing that in Australia. What I want to ask is, Conrad, what radicalised you to the point where you would put something online or ruin a family dinner party by bringing up, you know, the lack of royalties to get paid from Australian resources? Yeah, like, you've nailed it. The Australian culture is a unique, it's a unique one, and I think I've stepped into that void that does exist. There is an appetite for Aussies to become aware about this sort of stuff and engage in some way, but the Aussie culture, man, you're right, it's this, it's this really dismissive, like the, me growing up, I would just kind of be interested in the macro stuff.
I'd look at the bigger picture of everything, and I'm not a terribly practical guy. I'm not bloody handy at anything. I couldn't fix anything I would try.
And so I was always just in the world of concepts. And so I'd love listening to like Freakonomics, the economics podcast, and be like, oh, that's how like the macroeconomic system kind of functions. And but I found that everyone I was talking about, I was like, hey, do you know like this policy that the government's introduced?
I mean, it's not actually going to, have you seen the stats of how many people it would impact, not many, et cetera. And the general reaction from everyone around me is always just like, yeah, but what are you going to do? Ah, you know, you can't worry about this stuff. What are you going to do? Right.
And so I guess what radicalized me was, I'm a teacher. I'm just a high school teacher at the moment. And one year I was teaching year 10 business, right.
It has some economics units in there and I like that stuff. Um, and these kids are, we're looking at the textbook and I'm flicking through and they've got something called the global sustainability index or something. And it's this ranking system of all the countries in the world and how we're doing on progress towards climate change, women in politics, um, sustainability, pollution in the environment, like just every metric that you'd measure a planet for like social welfare, et cetera, et cetera. And this textbook was in 2017.
So I just, you know, winging it as I do up the front of a classroom. I don't have time to prepare. I'm like, what am I going to do? All right, kids, we've got an assignment. All right. I'll just make it up.
Uh, rank, like get, make a table from 2017 to 2022. How are we doing? Are we going up or down on these metrics?
Cause this textbook's pretty old.
So they opened the thing, get all the thing and they piece it together. And at the end of their assignment, they pulled together. Like we dropped on every single thing we chose every single metric.
We went backwards and obviously this was 10 years of the liberal government. And, and they, and they just asked me that one question. They're like, sir, why, why are we going backwards on everything? Is the government not seeing how poorly we're performing on everything?
And at that moment I was like, well, like, what do you want me to say? Like, obviously it's money in politics, obviously it's cause your politicians have sold you out. But I'm like, yeah, I'm a teacher. I don't know how much I'm allowed to say. I don't want some American style.
This teacher's propagating my son. So I was like, all right, kids, you ask them, write them a letter and see what he says. And so I got them all to just write a letter to their MPB and like, yo, here's your report card.
You failed. Why? And you know, the letter back was supremely disappointing, but that was the moment where I was like, man, this is such a joke.
Like the data's out there. It seems pretty obvious. Why is it so controversial to look at something and go, Hey, why can't we have what we are potentially owed if it's mining royalties or a clean environment or progress on things that other countries similar to us are doing better than us at, why is that such a bad thing to want? Right.
How did you, um, find the background in teaching helped you, uh, communicating this sort of stuff, speaking about it. I feel like I'm standing up there in front of a room full of kids who may have some kind of preconceived notions about things from what their parents have told them, but generally a bit of a blank slate, but they're quite critical. They ask hard questions. Yeah. How helpful do you think it's been having that teaching background doing what you're doing now on the internet? Well, it's probably given me all the skills to kind of take a complex idea and really simplify it. Like, I don't know, I don't know the last time you've tried to explain anything to a 15 year old. Um, it's, um, a lot of political communication, funnily enough, is at a grade 10 level. And that's like a lot of what I'm talking about.
You've got to take these big concepts and just try and get the essence of it, um, which often makes the concept slightly inaccurate. You know, the professors will be like, well, technically that's not true. You can't compare revenue to profit. These numbers don't exactly line up, but, but that disengages your average punter, like they're just kind of told, nah, you can't be a part of this conversation.
And so what I'm trying to do is go listen, ivory tower professors, who I can listen to and kind of understand a little bit. I got, I get what you're saying, but we need to really just TLDR this. So like with teaching, it's like, yeah, I've just got to, you know, that's the whole job is to try and go, how do you get this disengaged, angsty teen to kind of care about their own future in like the most pithy, why I pay attention, not listen. Okay. Look at me, put that down. Here's what you need to know.
So it's, I guess it's a very similar skill to just be like, like punters are busy, they got stuff to do. They got money to earn, but there's stuff that they need to care about. So I guess in a similar way, I'm like trying to compress it to go, I know it's complicated, but here's all you need to know what you're actually saying. You know, it really shouldn't be too hard to argue these things. Well, you, you know, you're explaining something, you know, I don't think you're actually, uh, doing the work of an activist. It's more just an explainer quite often punters politics.
It is what it sounds like, but arguing for these things to remain the same sounds very difficult in theory when you, when you map it out like that and why is it, why is there such success in defending the current situation, whether it is, you know, Australia being sold, sold out when it comes to resources or, uh, Australia, the political class, in fact, you know, uh, being heavily influenced by three or four media tycoons, uh, you know, one in particular, the, you know, you've named Rupert Murdoch, you've got Kerry Stokes, and we've got Peter Costello to a degree there with nine newspapers. We all know this to be true, really, when you're actually like a lot of those things, you can just think about, people kind of know that, uh, it's kind of hard to argue for that, you know, remaining the same, um, or any, anything that you're talking about, why do you think they succeed in, uh, you know, uh, Australian politicians from either side of the aisle? Why do they succeed in running this circus in the way they do? And when I say circus, I mean, the, the, the, the system of which you are, you know, doing quite a good job of explaining to the everyday people. Well, I guess it's probably because it's what they've done for so long and they're bloody good at it. Like the, the, the thing we would call media today that I call the corporate media today, its whole purpose to exist is to control the narrative of what Australians talk about. And they do it to such a successful degree that even a publicly funded broadcaster like the ABC, which doesn't have financial corporate incentives, will follow the news cycle that the Murdoch media and the corporate media, the issues they talk about, they put it into public consciousness and then everyone talks about it. And that's why it's an interesting thing. Like, like you say, like the stuff I'm pointing out, you can't really argue with it.
Look at the royalty rates that we are getting paid for our gas, our coal, our resources that we, that belong to all of us. And then look at the profits that these foreign owned entities are pulling in. Look at the numbers.
It's not controversial. Anyone who says, Oh no, it's a good thing that we give our stuff away for free. That's awesome. It can't be argued with.
So what they do, at least from, from our perspective is they land up, they place a lot of landmines in the conversation to be had, and they divert everyone's attention to a more trivial surface level layer of it. They'll turn it into a culture war. So the whole climate change debate has been, has been successfully laid with so many pitfalls and landmines. Um, and the climate change one, it's, it's perfect for it because it's a higher level concept where you're trusting experts to tell us on the aggregate data, what's going to happen. And potentially there's statistical likelihood of things going not well for us, but because it's so abstract, You can fill it with a bunch of misinformation and get people focused on, um, how Greta's just this angry teenager, just getting, Oh, just calm down.
Like, Oh, those activists wasting my time on the road. Like we can focus on the trivial rubbish on top and that will successfully distract from potentially what I guess some things I'm pointing out, which is we're all getting scammed by these companies. They're not paying tax, et cetera, et cetera. But if the whole news cycle could just be dominated by this trivialization. And I think the culture war fits right into that. If they can just turn it into some spectacle, then they win the Australia day, who are this year, um, about Woolworths not selling flags or some shit like that. Would you say that that is a landmine for what was about to come out in the four corners would they knew very well had actually been recorded at the, they were about, they were about to get torn apart, uh, you know, with those interviews with the, the duopoly and the CEOs of both the Woolworths and Coles, you know, were made out to be fools and made out to be effectively, you know, um, not acting in the interest of the Australian public. But all we spoke about that week was, you know, how woke they were because they weren't, uh, selling Australia flag capes on Australia day, which by the way, they stopped selling because no one was buying them. Yeah. I'm not privy to the, to the comms conversations that happens here.
And so we can all make assumptions like, and then on the line of conspiracy, right? Like you can go on the line where, and like they deliberately know exactly what they're doing and deliberately plant this cause they know this is coming. That could be very possible, but like you've just pointed out, it's also sometimes they just follow profit. Um, and then they're just doing something for profit, but on the, on the news media agenda, it's, that's just the perfect example.
I think the overarching narrative with all of this stuff is let's make what people think is politics is the Anzac biscuit tin is the Woolworths not selling Australia day is the quote unquote woke, whatever is going on here, those lefties canceling this or whatever it is. Let's make politics a really tribal, divisive, frustrating space for people to exist within where with every issue you got two teams pick your team. And at the end of the day, the issues that we're fighting about are just pointless, useless things.
So the smart people, which I like to think of the punters that have found me and gone, great stuff of obviously a couple of my audience punters, you're the best. But punters out there have realized they got, this is all rubbish. This is a waste of bloody time.
And so they switch off from what they think is politics. And I suppose what I'm trying to do is go, yeah, you're right. That's not politics. Politics is stuff that affects you. Like if we had those mining royalties, we'd have dental in Medicare and no one would be asking how we're going to pay for it because we've got a lot of money. That's politics. Like, so I'm, I guess that reframe, but that the corporate media wants it to be a reality TV show.
Right now the conversation is around the NDIS and how that's going to get paid for and how everyone's rorting that and now la la la la, which wasn't something we spoke about when the NBN was being rorted. It's just that it's more of a welfare kind of edge to the NDIS, which people immediately think are obese people sitting at home smoking drugs. But you wouldn't be having that conversation if we had the money, you know what I mean? And, and the money wasn't being a short ball to Mr Adani or whoever else is making money at it.
Do you think another landmine now is this new killer conversation? Like this, the liberals and the nationals talking about nuclear, like do you really think Australians are going to vote on that? Or is that just a quick way to shut down whatever we're talking about in terms of, uh, you know, climate change or, uh, or renewable transitions?
Well, it seems to me like there's just, uh, the one tactic that they, that is always just used. Well, like one of it is try and convince everybody that what makes the most profit for the current set of corporate billionaires is this is the best thing.
Once we do, like we do have strong enough institutions and independent think tanks and things like that that do studies on this. Once that pesky little data comes out about, Oh, look at the harm we're doing. Oh, look how gas stoves in homes increases asthma, likelihood by children in like 30% or something. Oh, I guess these fumes aren't great. Like what's that pesky annoying to hard to argue with data pops out. The only thing left to do is to discredit, slow down, misinform and divide people so that the political system can't unite enough to pass a bill.
So my take on the whole nuclear thing, it's like I'm like always with the punters to be like, well, policy not political party. I don't care who you are. I'm just looking at the policy.
And if we look at the nuclear thing, well, let's look at the data. How long does it take to build one? 15 years. Where are you going to store it? That's going to be a landmine. How much water does a nuclear reactor use? Turns out it's a lot.
So it needs to be on a coastline, which most cities in Australia are on a coastline. People won't want that.
Put it in the, like, you just look at all that data. We don't have the water to place it in land and everything like that. Not to mention all the studies come out. What's the most expensive form of energy. Oh, turns out it's nuclear. So you look at all the data. Um, it, to me, it's just a sinister play to confuse punters to prolong the fossil fuel interests that don't add to our politicians. They're the pieces you put together.
And I think, I think in no way is Dutton even serious about this. I think in no way could he even do it.
Like, are you happy to wait 15 years to, to have the most expensive form of energy possible? I don't, is that sound like a good thing? Like, I don't know about you, but I don't think that sounds great.
Well, it was something that wasn't, it wasn't mentioned for a decade when they were in power whatsoever. And they're always talking about lowering power prices. Now, as you said, it's 10 to 15 years away.
I think that is part of what both sides of politics do is they deliberately muddle things up and make it so complicated and so convoluted that it is hard for average people to kind of buy into and talk about. And it's the same way when you look at economics and the housing crisis, they use big terms and you roll them in together and it just kind of, they create the impression that the average person just doesn't really understand what's going on and they use language. It's too hard to buy in, which is why I think you've had so much success and it's so valuable. What you're doing is breaking things down and simplifying them and talking about them.
Have you had blow back for that? Have you had companies such as Asantos sending letters? Have you had people knocking on doors? Has there been any kind of, um, Or have you had trolls like bootlickers, bootlickers telling you to shut up because you're disrupting the world they live in and the world they want to believe is, um, you know, serving them.
Well, weirdly, so, so far, no, I don't think I've been going long enough or I'm a big enough threat yet for the threatening letters, but I did see on my unpaid for LinkedIn profile that Santos had in fact been looking me up. And so that was a bit scary in, in some respects, but so far no lawyers or letters, uh, as far as bootlickers and trolls.
Weirdly, I think the way I've positioned these issues going, this is how they affect you and this is how the system works. Everyone knows this stuff. And so I've gotten just a lot of cross the spectrum, political spectrum support because I'm trying to get people around issues that you should, there should be no disagreement on. We're all Australians don't want lots of money for your resources. It's not tribal, but there are a few random accounts that are like, Oh yeah, communist and you're this. And, and the engagement from these accounts, I can't imagine anyone with a stable temperament doing this for not money because their engagement on my posts as probably two accounts, it's so high that they're either really obsessed with me.
That's great. Or they're getting paid for it.
I don't know. But at the end of the day, I don't care.
I just give them a thumbs up and say, mate, I couldn't pay you for this engagement. Thank you so much. You start the argument when all the people go back and forth all Instagram cares about is that you're just stoking the flame. So thank you trolls. Um, you're on my team.
It is interesting. We have a few of those accounts too. Um, on, uh, on the paternity of social media who, um, will pop up no matter what and say something, uh, you know, contrarian to whatever's going out in the news cycle that day. I, I want to talk about the current government though. It's like we could talk about these tricks and all this shit we're talking about. Very much, um, easy to highlight, much easier to highlight.
We're looking at a liberal government that's in for 10 years working in partnership with the News Corp, right? We've seen all those tricks over those years. Um, since basically it really ramped up this, this partnership. And they haven't always been, you know, odd bedfellows. They've always like once upon a time, News Corp and Murdoch picks winners Murdoch was running along side labor governments and the talk back, uh, hosts were cheering on Bob Hawk and like, that, that has happened before as well. Right now, as it stands, it is the, uh, liberal party, uh, and national party coalition working in, uh, in partnership with the Australian media who, you know, you would be lying to yourself if you said that wasn't the case. If you were to say that the current government is being endorsed by our fourth estate, I don't know if that is, especially after that referendum where we got to see everyone working purely in tandem. But that's not to say that there aren't dirty tricks being played by the current government who, you know, aren't exactly a minority government, but they got in power, uh, despite that whole system working against them.
And you know, they got a very low primary vote. Uh, the Albanese government, the lowest yet.
What, what kind of tricks have you seen from elbow and lay, but like one that comes to mind was actually many scare was shortened, shortened, turnable 20, 16. That was the many scared. That was fun.
That was low, you know, and they send a message out on the day pretending to be Medicare on, uh, on an election day saying that the liberal party was going to slash Medicare. That was a dirty trick, but it also isn't what you're, what we're talking about here. It wasn't really a landmine. It was just very dodgy campaigning. Have you seen anything happening, uh, blaringly obvious from the current government? Like that's the kind of stuff where I don't follow as closely as far as the tactics they put out there. It sounds like every, every political party has like a misinformation arm and the, and, and their goal is just to win.
And it's, it's an interesting, it's a, it's a tough kind of spot to be in because I don't think, I don't agree with the classic disengaged false equivalence that I get a lot of feedback from, from the punters. They're like, Oh, they're all the same. And what's the point? And I think that's, that's where they win. If they can make punters disengaged from the stuff that impacts them the most, that's the win. And so in, in ways labor is identical to liberal that taken the exact same fossil fuel money. But then when I come back and look at the policy, labor's policy is like a few centimeters better than liberal's policy on some of the things I'm looking at. Like there are some things where the heaps better, but on the things I'm looking at the real bread and butter of money and politics, they'll vote together on stuff. Like you look at the stuff that they vote together on and it it's, you can see why people get really kind of disengaged with it.
And I'm, I'm still trying to work out myself what kind of prime minister Albo is because I, I hear he comes from the very progressive arm of the labor faction, but then he's voting for and pushing through like environmental amendments just as this fossil fuel companies want him to. He, he makes changes to the tax cuts, but only slightly. But I'm working out, is he just a really savvy political operator or I don't know, like that whole, I'm still, I'm still trying to work it out myself, to be honest. I mean, there is an argument to be made that he came out of the friends of Palestine left wing of the, you know, of the labor party and he was involved in some serious left wing kind of conversations. But he's moderated.
Like you could say that when he lost the white and he got the glasses, he combed his hair. He was, he actually was an elbow that we knew, you know, with the rabbit on the scar.
Yeah. They all do a little bit, don't they? Like even, even ScoMo and Dutton have tried those like intelligentsia glasses, those ringing glasses. Grace Tame talks about the wrecking ball politics, right? Where you just come in and you just create so much chaos and disarray. And you know, while you're in power, if people can lose faith in the political system between you and your opposition, I don't think Albo is doing this. I think Albo is actually trying to be a bit quieter and cause a little lot less drama because we've just come off the back of a Morrison prime minister, which was like Morrison's term was noisy, right? And it was there every single thing, every single day he was in the news for something. And I think Albo is trying to do the opposite of that. But when you do get the punters saying both sides are as bad as each other, that is when you kind of, you kind of have one as a political class because they're disengaged. I don't think anyone can save them from this system. Yeah, correct. And they, and they and they tune out from the fact that they are the ones to save themselves from this system because if we can unite, and this is why I think the cultural politics is such a perfect propaganda machine because it divides everybody on ideological matters that have no bearing or impact on any real substantive politics.
So there was, there was one bloke in my DMS who was like, and, and I've, I've honestly avoided climate change direct, uh, content because it's the culture war front. And so he hit me, he was sending me a message to dims. And sometimes I have to move from a DMS cause I get distracted. I'm like, Oh no, I can convince you. I'm like, nah, I don't have time for that. But I was chatting to this guy and he goes, Oh, well, it looks like you're on board with the climate agenda. So I'm going to unfollow you.
And it was just weird to me. It just showed me the power of the propaganda machine.
If you can't make people disengage, right? Well, ideally you want people fighting for corporate best interests.
And that's what this guy was. He was just like, his metric on politics was if you are for climate change, you're a shill, get out of here. If you're against it, you're on my team. That was just his one metric. Um, and I was like, Oh, well it's cool.
Like I'm kind of, we should be on the same team here because do you want to get paid for your resources? I want to get paid for my resources. We could be fighting the same team here.
Ignore the science of the melting earth. Let's talk about getting rich right now off, off said fossil fuels. Yes.
Because, and I suppose in a way like my, my communication tactic is the propaganda machine is too strong. And I think sometimes people try and go right against like directly against these groups of people and try and like keep fighting around like, yeah, but the earth's melting. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, but they've salted that ground so much, nothing can grow. And unfortunately the brute force just, I guess what I'm doing is taking this neoliberal lie that I was sold that we can own homes and we can be little capitalists and we can make money. And I'm just pointing out that even we're not even living up to that standard. So I'm just going, right, you're a capitalist.
Where's my dividend? I invested in that project. Where's the taxpayers dividend.
This is pure capitalism. And weirdly everyone's so trained in that school of thought, like budget deficit, budget surplus.
I guess I'm just going, I'm going to take that. You've laid the foundation in everyone's mind for that. So when you say we can't afford it, I'm just going to run with it and say, yes, we bloody can look over there. There's the money.
So I guess I'm just, I'm trying to work out what's a battle that's really hard to fight and what kind of communication tracks already exist that I can exploit because I think that's what the propaganda machine does so well. It'll take any sort of issue that exists. Like the obvious one is like critical race theory, right? Yeah. Australians are trying to import that into Australia, like that divisive culture war, the abortion debate. And they take a concept like critical race theory and it could be a concept that helps people go, well, no, you individually are not racist, but systems over time when they were built by people who were pretty prejudiced, it kind of hurt some people more than others. So it's actually a system we've really got to grapple with because it's complex, right?
They took that and went, nah, that's woke lefty BS and woke, woke, woke, woke, woke. And the word becomes irrelevant. And if you keep trying to use that word, you lose.
And so I think it's like a communication battle on in some level. You're speaking about the propaganda machine. I think there's also an element of the Australian media that feeds back on itself in terms of getting lazy. Like it's much easier to write a story about furries in schools needing litter boxes and how it's actually an OH&S issue as opposed to talking about how resources are being divvied up because, you know, that debate has been merkied and convoluted by lobbyists and politicians and people in the propaganda arm, et cetera, et cetera. Outside of Australia, it's not necessarily the case. Do you have any kind of figures you look at overseas or characters who kind of influence what you're trying to do and the way you're trying to communicate?
John Stewart? Is it John Stewart?
Yeah. Like those guys are obviously like, they probably really put it into my consciousness watching these comedians like John Stewart, like John Oliver, who engage with politics. Like that's the age of politics I grew up in. Like some of this stuff is so ridiculous. Only a comedian can actually point out what's true because only a joke can make sense of just how bad some of this stuff has gotten. So I guess looking at those guys really kind of inspired me in the satirical take. The, like the only way to engage with politics is in, just to point out how absurd it is.
Cause if you didn't laugh, you'd cry sort of thing. And that's people in my TMS. They're just like, Oh, I love your stuff, but this is depressing. And it's like, it's funny, but Oh, it hurts so much. And, and I, and I understand it.
And so it's like America has been doing this for quite some time. They're so politically engaged. There's so many people who are on YouTube explaining complex stuff in simple formats. There's quite a massive YouTube ecosystem in the translation of politics to punters sort of thing.
But what I just have realized in two months going from 2000 followers to 140 odd thousand followers is that no one's doing it. No one's in this space, like compared to what's happening in America. It's, it's this wide open plane of that has just been filled. The void has been filled like with the Ben Fordhams, with the Murdoch press, with that corporate commentary, which points our attention towards the stuff that doesn't matter. And I think the Australian like ecosystem is real.
Like people are really wanting voices they can trust and people who can just explain it to them in a, in a more simple way. I wanted to ask now, you know, you said there's not a lot of voices there. Have you kind of got a figure in your head or a number that you'd be happy with when say a minerals council or a McKinsey or a lobbying group or whether it's Santos come through with that offer to, um, just wrap it up with punters politics. You got a number figured out or what you're looking for. Like you, I, you love, like, I always want to be honest about this. And I would love to just be like, there is no number, there's no amount of money that could buy me off. But I think everyone would know that that's some kind of lie. Um, I would like to think I'll give you my hopeful pitch and I'll just be honest about money changes.
People we've watched. People's you watch billionaire's minds cook, right?
When they've got too much money, they're isolated, et cetera, et cetera. So there is almost this power that money has to really change people. But in my currently no income kind of guy, idealism, not like I think I can make money from punters.
That is enough to keep me going. I like to think that, but mate, if Santos rock up and they're like 50 mil. Hey, do you want to pull a few punches? Yeah. Nice little three better on the coast somewhere. It would probably like, that would be the negotiation.
They'd be like, don't, don't mention us by name and we'll give you like, it would be, I mean, bloody hell. I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be the very, very difficult to turn down a lifetimes of money to just let it go away. But then my soul would be dead.
It'd be like, because part of me has gone, I've got money, I can go teach. Like that's an okay living. I'm not like on the poverty line. Right. So that's what I said when I got into this sort of stuff. It's like, I want to do something I enjoy, I'm passionate about. So as far as like a lot of people, you know, it's easy to sell out to make more money, audience capture or do a say things for different brand deals. Like it makes sense. But then part of me, there's this idealistic part of me that's like, yeah, but how much do you need to live?
Right. 50 million. Let's find out. Yeah.
Look, we've got our number here. We're just waiting for the day. What we need to live change. What's your number?
Just a cool couple of million. I think that like we have endured, I would say the rise of sports betting and still haven't gone near that money. So that has been 10 years of fucking white knuckling it.
But depends who you are asking our conversation. We've already sold out to various different people.
Yeah. Well, you know, it depends what you're driving. I guess that'll be the test. Yeah.
But I know I was just joking about the number there, but what does kind of the next little bit look for you? I believe there's a podcast potentially in the works. Yeah, we're working, we're working on a podcast at the moment. Um, I'm trying to build out just different communication channels on YouTube, slowly growing TikTok and just trying to work out where I kind of fit within this. I'm in chats with a lot of the people in the independent, um, political movement, you know? Um, so I don't really know at the moment. It's like, how do I keep doing what I'm doing and earn enough to live? That's the, that's the question on at the moment you're going to do some subscriptions.
Yeah. Oh yeah. That's thanks for that.
I've got a Patreon right now. I've got a hundred patrons on there keeping me hanging in there doing what I'm doing. So, uh, everyone listening gas up the Patreon politics on Patreon. That's a way to support what I'm doing because I think part of the thing that gets me really like fired up is, is I'm a, I'm a incentive structure kind of guy.
So when you look at Albo or the media and you go, why are they saying this? Why aren't they talking about this? I think there's always a reason and it's incentives. Like why did this YouTuber go from being really cool to just completely cooked? It's because money pushed him there.
And I think this is why Patreon and the punters who are supporting me right now are just so invaluable is because when you build incentive structure that go, Patreons, you work like I work for you. You guys are the, you guys want me to do in this content. I work for you. And I think that's like, that's same as politics.
We don't want corporate money in politics. So like stop taking the money and you work for us, not your corporate donors.
So yeah, Patreon podcast in the works and I guess on all the socials. Beauty. Well, we'll send everyone listening your way, mate. Keep up the good work and thanks for chatting with us today. Appreciate it, boys. Thanks for having me.
People's, you watch billionaire's minds cook, right? When they've got too much money, they're isolated, et cetera, et cetera. So there is almost this power that money has to really change people. But in my currently no income kind of guy idealism, not like I think I can make money from punters.
That is enough to keep me going. I like to think that, but mate, if Santos rock up and they're like 50 mil, Hey, do you want to pull a few punches? Yeah. Buy a nice little three better on the coast somewhere. It would probably like, that would be the negotiation.
They'd be like, don't, don't mention us by name and we'll give you like, it would be, I mean, bloody hell. I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be the very, very difficult to turn down a lifetime of money to just let it go away. But then my soul would be dead.
It'd be like, because part of me has gone, I've got money. I can go teach. Like, that's an okay living. I'm not like on the poverty line. Right. So that's what I said when I got into this sort of stuff. It's like, I want to do something I enjoy. I'm passionate about. So as far as like a lot of people, you know, it's easy to sell out to make more money, audience capture, um, or do say things for different brand deals. Like it makes sense. But then part of me, there's this idealistic part of me. That's like, yeah, but how much do you need to live?
Right. 50 million. Let's find out. Yeah.
Look, we've got our number here. We're just waiting for the day. What we need to live change. What's your number?
Just a cool couple of million. I think that like we have endured, I would say the rise of sports betting and still haven't gone near that money. So that has been 10 years of fucking white knuckling it.
But depends who you are asking our conversation. We've already sold out to various different people. Well, you know, it depends what you're driving, I guess that'll be the test.
Yeah. But I know I was just joking about the number there, but what does kind of the next little bit look for you? I believe there's a podcast potentially in the works. Yeah.
We're working, we're working on a podcast at the moment. Um, I'm trying to build out just different communication channels on YouTube, slowly growing TikTok and just trying to work out where I kind of fit within this. I'm in chats with a lot of the people in the independent, um, political movement, you know? Um, so I don't really know at the moment. It's like, how do I keep doing what I'm doing and earn enough to live? That's the, that's the question on at the moment. You're going to do some subscriptions.
Yeah. Oh yeah. That's thanks for that.
I've got a Patreon right now. I've got a hundred patrons on there keeping me hanging in there doing what I'm doing. So, uh, everyone listening, gas up the Patreon punters politics on Patreon and that's a way to support what I'm doing because I think part of the thing that gets me really like fired up is, is I'm a, I'm a incentive structure kind of guy.
So when you look at Albo or the media and you go, why are they saying this? Why aren't they talking about this? I think there's always a reason and it's incentives. Like why did this YouTuber go from being really cool to just completely cooked? It's because money pushed him there.
And I think this is why Patreon and the punters who are supporting me right now are just so invaluable is because when you build incentive structure that go patrons, you work like I work for you. You guys are the, you guys want me to do in this content. I work for you.
And I think that's like, that's same as politics. We don't want corporate money in politics. So like stop taking the money and you work for us, not your corporate donors.
So yeah, Patreon podcast in the works and I guess on all the socials. Well, we'll send everyone listening your way, mate. Keep up the good work and thanks for chatting with us today. Appreciate it boys. Thanks for having me. |
cracked | 12_25_07_news_on_cracked_a_cracked_christmas_special | It's December 25, 2007, Christmas Day, or as I call it, Tuesday, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'd just like to take a moment to say, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, baby Jesus, Happy Birthday to you, and many more. Hello fellow bored Jews, we'll do what we can to help pass the time. Officials are reporting that traveling has been only moderately hectic this Christmas season. Unfortunately, the punch line for this joke did not arrive on time and is reportedly still awaiting questioning by customs over at Chicago O'Hare. Pope Benedict earlier today made a Christmas appeal for world peace, meaning I just won some more games for my DS Lite.
The Pentagon, and this is 100% true, is tracking Santa's progress this Christmas online via radar at noradsanta.org. In a perfect example of your tax dollars at work, the website will help today's children, the adults of tomorrow, appreciate two important facts. One, Santa Claus is fake, and two, your government lies to you all the time.
Merry Christmas! A baby Jesus figurine that was stolen from an activity scene in Texas a year ago has returned. Texas residents are so excited, do you think this was the second coming of... never mind. A Washington state man nailed Santa Claus to a 15-foot crucifix in front of his home to protest what he called the commercialization of Christmas. Reached for comment, Jesus told the news on cracked, tell that guy to blow me, it's my friggin birthday, I don't need this right now. That's it for today's Christmas edition of the news on cracked. Check back tomorrow when we'll be re-running this episode, since I'm taking Wednesday off after working Christmas. And kids, remember, if you don't like what you found under the tree this Christmas, it doesn't mean that God doesn't love you, it means your parents don't. |
TheOnion | In_The_Know_Has_Halloween_Become_Overcommercialized | I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes, who is staying off the grid until things cool down. The Halloween season is upon us once again, but with Americans spending an estimated $54 billion this season, many lament that we seem to have lost touch with the true meaning of the holiday. Are they right? Absolutely. Americans have completely forgotten what Halloween is really about, appeasing evil spirits to ward off sickness and ensure a bountiful harvest. You know, last Halloween I asked my nephew, do you know why you wear a costume? And he said to have fun and get candy.
That is so sad. We didn't even know that it was to protect his virgin spirit from the wretched dead that roamed the earth one night a year to steal souls. I hate to say it, but times have changed.
And for some people, the emphasis is not on frightening away the demons. I'm sorry Duncan, but frightening away demons is a reason for the season. Listen, listen, I'm not saying that I'm not afraid of ghouls. I'm terrified of them.
I'm saying that there is more than one way to celebrate Halloween. And now here's something.
A recent poll of American fifth graders found that 63% could identify the cartoon character Jack Skellington, while only 14% could identify Algol, the ghoul that dwells in burial grounds. Oh, that is appalling. Kids being more familiar with a fictional cartoon than a real ghoul.
But when I was a child, our whole family would go down to the public square. We'd get around that ceremonial mountain, and we would go sunwise and anti-sunwise. It was a family thing to do. Oh, and don't forget the traditional Halloween songs, you know, especially, So Shonny Loi, Haptuna, Kei Lagi Nachin, Haptuna.
And then everyone would throw the bones of their slaughtered livestock into the communal bonfire. Nowadays, most people just go to a butcher, they buy a bag of the pre-cut bones. Or they pull the artificial bones out of the closet and dust them off. And that's because for some families, the plastic bones are a time saver. Come on, the bones, the whole reason behind it is the time spent butchering with the family.
Absolutely. In the town that I live in, we don't even erect an altar anymore where we can torture animals as a warning to the spectral realm. Oh, stop.
No, why? But why?
Because someone complained about the howling. Yes, but the howling is the whole point. Oh, you're telling me.
How are you going to scare the demons away without them? Some people get enough out of a 30-minute forest ritual as they do in a four-hour one. Donning animal skins and dancing around a fire pit is the most important event of the whole holiday.
Not for everyone. It's a total waste of time. Not everyone literally believes that phantoms will come and replace their fields with frogs and put up light upon their house. We're going to anchor this marriage. I do not want to spade those stillborn birds. You're going to be crying. Think about our lives.
Whales! The leaf banshee, instead of algal, then that's their choice! You'll be whisked away to the dark house! I don't know what I'm saying! Algal, please!
Get out of here, everybody! Get out of here! Show some power! I'm leaving here! Let's go!
It's too late. Please, I don't want to go to the dark house! It's too late! |
dropout | start_up_guys_shoot_a_commercial | Alright guys, this one's being sponsored by Boone and Johnny's ice cream, so we really want to make it great. You got it. Action! That's the thing about ice cream, Pat. If you leave it outside, it melts.
Oh, okay. Wait, what? Pass, Sambo. Sorry, relax.
What are you guys doing here? Long story long, last night, Brody and I are at our Hampton share at an all-dolphin meat barbecue. Uh-oh. Everything's going great. Until Brody spills a buttery nipple on one of the Winklevoss twins. Connect to you. Anyway, we're on our way back in the half of Jitney. The website is fine, alright?
You don't need to be here. Sambo, Sambo, Sambo. I don't think you got the membrane.
We're actually out of the startup game now, and we're consulting for five-ton media. Boone and Johnny's is their client. Oh, so you guys work for Boone and Johnny's? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't work for five-ton. Oh, so you work for five-ton. What happens is, our business consultant, they hire five-ton to facilitate the relationship between the client. Boone and Johnny's.
And the creator. Collinsfunny.com. We eliminate the middleman by inserting ourselves in the middle, thus creating more seamless integration between the creative and the client. So you're middleman.
100% now. 100%, yeah. Yeah. Well, you guys are free to watch. Alright? That's great. Alright, thanks. Ant. Action. That's the thing about ice cream, Pat. If you leave it outside, it melts. Okay. Wait, even Boone and Johnny's?
Okay, guys, that's a cut. Yeah, that's a cut all around. That's a cut.
What you're saying right now is Boone and Johnny's. What we need you to be saying is Boone and Johnny's. Try it.
Boone and Johnny's.
Exactly. Yeah, this is just like a straight ripoff of Ben and Johnny. Okay, yeah. You need to not say that name, okay? Oh my God, you reek of Kim G. Uh-oh. See, the thing is, we're aware there are similarities between the two names, but the client wouldn't appreciate you dropping that name, okay? The client could be anywhere. I know.
Oh, we love what you guys do. We love what you do. We love what you guys do.
Party workers. Oh my God, Phil Benjamin. Turtle hurt. Ghost in the office.
Cake in a beer. Cake in a beer is actually Boone and Johnny's name.
It's a full pint of broken milk on a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Don't give it to kids. That's the thing about ice cream, Pat. If you leave it outside, it melts.
Oh, okay. Wait, even Boone and Johnny's? Yeah, the pint needs to go up a little bit higher. Bring it above your head. A little higher. Cuts.
Are you sure that's what the client wants? Look, 100 per not sure. If I'm the client, that's almost maybe what I might definitely kind of want. Is that? Okay, maybe you should actually check with the client, though. I'll tell you what.
I'm going to ping my buddy, Kemper Kiley, who's my contact of a biz bomb. Who's going to loop in Digen from fashion and media. He's going to run up the flagpole of her web trash's digital buying agency. Who's probably going to kick it over to the Canabola Dot Commercial's consultant firm? Who may or may not BBM someone of Boone and Johnny's.
So it should all work out. Yeah, it should work out, but for now, how about we just get that pint higher?
And action. That's the thing about ice cream, Pat. If you leave it outside, it melts. Oh, okay. Wait, what?
Even Boone and Johnny's? Can we just take an option where we just have you saying Boone and Johnny's just as many times as possible? Yeah, as many times as possible.
Just say... That can't be what the client wants. Sure, it might be.
Okay, real natural. Real natural. Action.
Even Boone and Johnny's? That's the thing about Boone and Johnny's ice cream, Pat, is if you leave Boone and Johnny's ice cream outside, it melts. Try to add some of the Boone and Johnny's flavors into the dialogue.
A pistachio. Oh, my God, it's chocolate.
You've crossed the line. Are you serious? I don't know. I mean, it's crazy.
That's the thing about Boone and Johnny's ice cream, Pat, is if you leave Boone and Johnny's ice cream outside, it melts. Boone and Johnny's.
Oh, my God, pistachio. Go ahead. Just turn the product down. Just a little bit more. Just a little bit more so we can see it. Great. Now, just take a bite. Okay, good.
Now, just eat that ice cream. Real normal, real natural. Just keep the client name out. Make sure you bring it right up to the side of your face. Just eat the ice creams if you normally would. Just, you know, with the client name out. Eating ice cream completely organic, as if you really would. Eat ice cream. Cover your face completely, because that's what I would do if I were eating ice cream from a client. That's the thing about ice cream, Pat. If you leave it outside, it melts. Oh, okay.
Boone and Johnny's? Boone and Johnny's.
Oh, my God, pistachio. Well, you guys happy? Not really. See, here's the thing.
Ben and Jerry's actually sued Boone and Johnny's for about $15 million. Our ad budget was sliced by millions. We can't actually pay for this video.
Want to rip around? Gah! |
cracked | 4_tv_ads_that_depict_terrifying_alternate_universes_after_hours | Every one of your meals is a lie. All the pictures that made you choose your food aren't even food. That's it? It's not like there's fly larva in the batter or the chocolate milk is actually bloody milk from over milk in the cows and I just put chocolate in it to cover up the blood, to cover up the blood. No, just look at your food. Okay, the syrup on those pancakes, that's motor oil, right? The sliced turkey that's painted with wood stain and rubbed in detergent. Have you actually ate any of that?
You would die, it's scary, right? No one knows what to believe anymore and it's starving me, us.
Just you. Soren, you had something to talk about. What was your thing? A $75 value, both for only $14.95. To order, call 1-800- See, I like that one. Yeah, that one's edgy, let's do that.
So, I would live out the rest of my life in a commercial? No, you would live as yourself in the world depicted by the genre of commercial. So, for instance, car commercials. It looks pretty sweet when you're out there driving all alone out on the road until you realize what it means when you're the only driver out there, ever. Yeah, that is weird that car companies would advertise specifically to people in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Porn store, no, porn and gun store. They have those, right, in the south? Might be hypoglycemic, just throwing that out there. Scratch that, yogurt commercials. Or tamp, no, or any commercial having to do with a woman's bodily functions. Sounds awful. Decongestant ads, anti-histamine ads, fiber ads.
They all have one thing in common. Sweatpants. Bingo. All the women in these ads, they're dressed down, they don't have on a ton of makeup. It's generally looked like they just got out of bed. So, they're still hot, they're just frumpy and totally candid about their bowel movements and snot.
They get me. Wow, I just lost my appetite. You're welcome.
Plus, I know they all get freaky, because they're all on the pill. Those women are already in relationships, they already have husbands and boyfriends. Husbands and boyfriends that are bumbling friggin' idiots.
The women in those ads, they don't want a smart guy that they can talk about their yogurt digestion with. That's what they've got friends for. They want a guy who doesn't even know what yogurt is. They want a man who will sleep through their colts.
And be amazed by air freshener technology. You don't stand a chance. And they menstruate windshield wiper fluid. That's not how this works. Plus, they consider that an upgrade. Okay, well, what about the fact that when things go wrong for these women, they go really, really wrong? When they get allergies, it's not just sneezing and itchy eyes. Their whole body gets blurry. When they get a cold, the world turns black and white.
Yeah, pass. I only bone in high, Dad.
That's why I'm going with alcohol commercials. Do you know that they spray pint glasses with deodorant to make them look frosty? Didn't know, doesn't matter. Everybody in those commercials is really attractive. And the only people that have to work in that world are those bartenders and everybody else just gets to sit around and drink all day without gaining any weight. Yeah, you don't get any weight because you're never drinking. There's a law that says that advertisers can't physically show people drinking alcohol. Oh, yeah, that's right. You never actually see anyone drink the beer. They just hold it.
So, I'm me in this world. I can drink all I want. In fact, I can probably drink more because nobody else is finishing their beers. You'd be the only drunk in that entire universe. It's like getting sloshed at an AA meeting. All those sober eyes watching you. And your beer gut and your liver disease.
And then you die. Everyone has a party. Because that's all they do. Yay. He's dead.
As seen on TV ads. Ah. The least sexy ads on television.
I'd rather bang a colorless lady doctor with a blue men's seat. You're judging me? You're the guy who wanted to live in a world where women do nothing but secrete fluids all day.
What do you think sex is?
Everyone's an idiot in those commercials. How would you know you'd even left this diner? Exactly. No one in that world can mow a lawn or organize shoes or even crack an egg without falling over. They suck at everything. Imagine those people looking at you master simple tasks that they could never even dream of completing.
Hey, look at that guy. He can stand on a ladder all by himself. Look at him. He's talking on a phone and sitting under a blanket at the same time. Holy smokes, that guy's wearing a seatbelt and not freaking the fuck out.
Let's make him mayor. Let's make him God.
They sell those big top cookies. They're 25 times the size of a regular cookie. 25 times!
But think about how lonely that would be. Every single day, you have to interact with and help these idiots. What if you get sick? Can you trust a doctor in a world where people get trapped in saran wrap? Still though.
God, I mean, when those little machines open and those big top cookies come out, they look fine. If you're into that, I guess. We could- Food advertisements! The food looks great and by people's reactions. It must taste great too. Yeah, but I mean, come on.
Perfectly cooked brisket that melts in your mouth cereal that never ever gets soggy. Perfectly melted cheese on every juicy burger in this world. I know it's just chew polish and hot glue, but there, there it's real. It's like I've been unshackled and then I'm able to peek out of the cave for the first time.
We got a Play-Doh reference. Is that a cradle wetness? Is that a ladle beverage? Is that a tainted necklace? Is that a Play-Doh? |
dropout | actor_takes_out_mentos_during_civil_war_movie | You have not gone, and yet I find myself already missing your embrace. Mary, my body may be leaving for a cold battlefield, but my spirit will always remain warm here with you. Oh, Jasper, why must this awful war carry you away?
I'm sorry, can we cut? Cut! I love what was happening here. What's up, Lawrence?
It's just Mr. Jones Herring just took his mints out during the scene. These mints belong to Jasper Saxton, Sergeant, 13th Pennsylvania Cavalry. Lauren, this is the David Jones Herring, okay? I think he would know if his character needed mints.
Don't you? All right, great. Let's get back into it. I love that bonnet. I would buy one for my wife if I had one. And action!
Mary, my body may be leaving for a cold battlefield, but my soul will always remain warm here. I'm sorry, this feels very awkward.
David, you are sizzling. I'm sizzling on the grill right now. But beep, beep, bop, beep, bop, problem detector, Lauren, what is going on?
This film takes place in the Civil War. A war that leaves a terrible taste in Jasper's mouth. He's using these mints to hold on to his innocence. Okay, they also make it incredibly hard to understand what you're saying. War cannot be understood, Mary.
You just took my furniture, put it into a condo in Van Nuys, and you moved me. Lauren, tell me that you're not feeling this. I mean, I guess. I'm glad that you are. Great. I do need help moving. I will buy pizza. Let's get back into it. Action!
Even when you think I'm gone. And now fate's cruel wind. Now sweep me away. Two mints swept up in one war. Already missing your own grip.
Are you sure you don't want a mint? You know what? I'm sorry. Can I take an actual mint break? Can I pop out? I got you something to keep your finger warm while I'm gone. My mint.
I changed my mind. Cut! Okay, I need hair and makeup. Lauren, I am so sorry. I see what you're saying now. It's over here.
It's the Mentos.
Thank you. I mean, what? I mean, duh, right? I am so sorry. But don't worry. I know how to fix this. Great.
I will never let you go, Jasper. I will never let you go. |
SaturdayNightLive | manny_the_mafia_boss_can_t_hear_snl | Ok, Joey, I got a lot of people to see today. you want to talk to me? what's on your mind? I'll tell you what's on my mind. I've been running smack for you for five years. I want a bigger piece of the east coast action. or I go into business on my own. what did you say to me? what the hell did you say to me?
Maybe my hearing's not so good. maybe there's something wrong with my ears. would you care to repeat that? I'm just saying. like I, you know, maybe deserve a little more money. that's all. excuse me. maybe I didn't hear you quite so good. maybe I got your problems, all right? I mean, what was that again? look, let's just forget this ever happened, Ok? everything's cool. what's the matter with this guy?
Dominic, Dominic. Manny. what's up? Ah, Manny. Manny, I come here today to show you my appreciation for what you've done.
I want to thank you. What was that? did I hear you correctly? is there something wrong with my ears? Did you say that you wanted to spank me? No. I said I wanted to thank you for saving my life. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. now I know I didn't hear just that. I mean, did you just say that you wanted me to spank you for shaving your wife? No. that's not what I said at all.
I came here to show you my gratitude, honor, and respect. five reindeer can throw fatty food. Chuck Connors called Collect. you got a lot of nerve coming here, gibbering a lot of gibberish like that to me. get out of here. get him out of here, Johnny. Manny, go ahead. come on. Ruben Martinez is here to see you, Boss. Susan, come in.
Manny, our organizations have been fighting for too long. it has to stop. I come here to offer you a truce. I'm afraid I must reject your offer of fruit juice.
I'm sorry? What's that I'm hearing? I'm your masseuse. Because maybe I don't know. I got some kind of ear trouble. you want to run that by me again, pal? No, no, wait a minute. Maybe I got something wrong with my ears. maybe as a child, I had a severe middle ear infection that caused almost total deafness. Because I can't believe what you're saying to me. the king of gods is Zeus? I don't got time for Greek Mythology. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. maybe I don't hear so good. maybe I ruptured my eardrums, horsing around with a firecracker last 4th of July. maybe the doctors recommended a hearing aid, but I don't wear it.
Because I know you didn't just bring up that time in college. I failed biology. you're going down, Manny. you think you're a bad guy? you're just a little punk. What? what did you say to me? did you say that I looked like the black guy from Forrest Gump? no, no, you. you, my friend, looked like the black guy from Forrest Gump. isn't that right, Johnny?
Yes, boss. What? I said Yes, Boss. What?
Yes. I'm agreeing with you. Yes. |
dropout | pitch_a_pyramid_scheme_for_5500 | Ali, you're going to spend a day as a salesperson for America's top fake supplements company, Herbalway. It's a multi-level marketing scheme where the only money you can make is if you find new salesmen to sell with you. You are going to give your roommates a hard sell on both the Herbalway products and the Herbalway company, and to make sure that you give them the hard sell, I'm going to be in your ear all day with an earpiece, and you have to say to them exactly what I say. Ice cold, O'Brien. Back here at Ali's apartment, we have all sorts of shipments from America's leading supplements company, Herbalway.
Oh God, bread flour. Do you guys want some coffee, or I might make some. I'll take one. Sure.
Have you ever taken supplements?
Like this stuff? Yeah. No. I don't think that the body can like digest stuff like that. I feel like usually it's just better to get it from food. Totally. Most supplements, that's true, but not Herbalway. Yeah, totally. I thought that too.
Most supplements, that's totally true, but yeah, not Herbalway. That's how it's different from all its competitors. That's how Herbalway is different. Say Herbalway. Herbalway is different.
Mix some of the protein powder into everyone's coffee. What kind of coffee is that?
It smells good. Herbalway. Say any sentence you want to right now, but you have to say Herbalway six times in it. You know, this coffee came out kind of gross. Oh, did it? Yeah, Herbalway. That's one. Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway. No, I just, I put some Herbalway in it. Reactive weird with the coffee.
Do you need one more? Yeah, I don't want to force Herbalway on you guys. I just... You got to get people's consent before you slip them Mickey's. Yeah. Tell Priscilla to stop looking and buy something. If you want, you can buy one. You should too. Do I get the roommate discount?
Yeah, yeah. Oh man, yeah.
No, I wish, I wish, I wish. But I wish it would be nice to give you a discount, but I can't.
Oh, that's messed up. Say it 15 times right now. Since I started working there, you know, it's just been like, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway. You know? Yeah. Almost double that, you know? Conventions kind of turn into like a, people saying it like, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway, Herbalway. Um, yeah, it's too much. I'm almost like sick of hearing Herbalway.
Put some raw protein powder in your mouth. It's actually, in the coffee it looked bad, but in real life it is good. Usually you take just like a spoonful and mix it into...
Okay, I thought you were about to just do that, do that. You could though. No, that would be crazy. But you actually, you know what, I like that you said that because you could. You know how...
No. You are like... Get a spoonful of it and try to put it in Priscilla's mouth. Are you okay? Yeah. Mm-hmm. No. No, no, no. Okay.
I'm okay.
I don't think that your body can actually absorb it like that. You... Oh my god. It is good though. Mm. So yeah, I'm just gonna leave this on the counter. You guys can try it whenever you want. Drop some powder on the floor. Oh, fuck. Um...
Oh, we're good. It's... It's no, no, no, it's fine. It's fine.
Oh, man. That's like $80. Maybe this should be your area to clean first. Take five right now. Look, I think it's super cool. Love it. Yeah.
But like, we all just like do our own thing. Everyone lives their life their own way.
Yeah. Pills are like, you do you, I'm gonna do me, you do you, you do me. Yeah. Boom. I'm gonna hide pills in all your rooms. Yeah. Okay, you're taking a lot of those. Yeah, but I'm gonna hide pills in all your rooms.
Thank you for watching that free clip of Total Forgiveness. If you liked that, check out Dropout to see the full 22 minute episode. Yeah, that's right. Head over to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. You might even see Grant do this.
You have to sell everything you own at a flea market, but you have to make $1,000. |
cracked | 6_horrifying_videos_that_prove_nature_is_trying_to_kill_us | Hey, and welcome to the show, which we have finally named the Spitash Spitaki. The spit ache. Welcome to the show.
This is the Purple Ribbon All Stars performing Kryptonite, which is my favorite song to listen to while I throw handfuls of money in the air. Speaking of making it rain, this episode is about... Hey, I'm on it, hey, I'm on it, hey, I'm on it, hey, I'm on it, hey, I'm on it, hey, I'm on it, hey, I'm on it, hey, I'm on it. Time and time again, I gotta turn that ran into these holes that I am the...
Ever since camera phones blanketed the globe with digital tattletales, we've learned some pretty unsettling stuff about our fitness for survival. It turns out we're not as good at running, climbing, or fighting as we thought. But it's okay, because the videos have also revealed that the forces of nature that we'd previously believed to be inanimate are actually plotting unimaginable ways to attack us.
Wait, shouldn't there be, like, something reassuring at that last part? After the viral videos of people just clumsily eating s***? It looks innocent enough at first. The aftermath of Lake Minnetaka's most f***tastic phone party, perhaps. But then you hear the horror movie victim behind the camera trying desperately to hold it together and you realize, wait, her voice isn't sped up. In fact, this whole video isn't sped up, and that thing is moving. Entirely too fast for something you shouldn't be able to see outside of fever dreams and cocaine withdrawals. Or did it pretend to stop while the rest of its body continued to encircle you and your family from behind like a frozen amoeba army that's learned the hunting techniques of the boa constrictor.
It's actually called an ice heave because it's easier to dismiss stuff that sounds like a recreational hazard of drinking too many margaritas. But when you realize it should clean through those homes because it's a rock hard wall of hungry ice, it's harder to ignore what it really is. Proof that glaciers now come in T-1000 form.
Midwesterners who enjoy looking up with a terror-stricken expression on their face know you don't have to watch Ghostbusters to see the sky boil like that. This video is sped up, but only twice the normal speed, which is otherwise known as the DVR setting I watched the Dexter series finale on. This dark cloud seen churning over France earlier this year is not sped up at all. This cloud bank grew actual cartoon ghost fingers to sneak up on a fast food restaurant, and this Ukrainian sky has the balls to actually start howling as it goes from mostly cloudy to goes-er the Garzerian party in like 80 seconds. Rapid fire tornado rounds!
A stream of 100-foot high flames ignites in the Australian Outback. The Book of Revelations could have been happening in the Australian Outback since the late 80s and nobody would have noticed.
These New Mexico citizens prepare for an ordinary independence day taking video of their lawn.
When pow! The Old Testament breaks out.
In under a minute, their suburban New Mexico neighborhood is whiter than the cast of Breaking Bad. The storm dumped a foot of hail on New Mexico in July. While these helicopter shots look like the aftermath of every shitty east coast snowstorm ever, try to keep in mind it is 100 degrees out.
And then try not to just like totally shit your pants. 17th one sneak attack round!
As it carries debris down the street, this flood appears to wait patiently at the glass doors of this library.
Almost too pitch- Jailbreak! Our friends at the EPA insist that we acknowledge that there are some perfectly scientific explanations for some of these videos.
For instance, that first whirlpool where a lake appears to be drinking itself? Actually just a floodplain draining down into a river behind the camera person.
Could it swallow you and everyone you love into its gulping, sludge-digestive track? Probably. But it's not like the bowels of hell opened up under a lake and started devouring the surface world. Not in that video, at least. In this video, the Earth's decaying guts appear to suddenly swear an angry blood oath on the surface world.
Everything that's ever felt the sun's warm touch is swallowed down into an eternal darkness.
But once again, this isn't as bad as it seems, right? According to a recent New York Times article, those trees are simply being devoured by the bayucorn sinkhole in Louisiana, which is quote, almost as big as 20 football fields. It's been quote, lazily biting off chunks of forest and creeping hungrily toward an earthen burn? Whoa.
Either we're all living in a horror movie, or the New York Times has decided to start competing with Cracks' lucrative monopoly on pretending inanimate objects or monsters. Come get some, New York Times. It's only two dollars.
Tight time with all my friends, and beers, and tits, and subscribe, and we can party together. That's a together, a fourth tea.
Something you shouldn't be able to see outside of fever dreams and cocaine withdrawals. Michael, get away from it.
Oh, it stopped. Or did it pretend to stop while the rest of its body continued to encircle you and your family from behind like a frozen amoeba army that's learned the hunting techniques of the boa constrictor.
It's actually called an ice heave because it's easier to dismiss stuff that sounds like a recreational hazard of drinking too many margaritas. But when you realize it should clean through those homes because it's a rock hard wall of hungry ice, it's harder to ignore what it really is. Proof that glaciers now come in T-1000 form.
Hey, I'm on it, hey, I'm on it, hey, I'm on it, hey.
Midwesterners who enjoy looking up with a terror-stricken expression on their face, know you don't have to watch Ghostbusters to see the sky boil like that. This video is sped up, but only twice the normal speed, which is otherwise known as the DVR setting I watched the Dexter series finale on. This dark cloud seen churning over France earlier this year is not sped up at all. This cloud bank grew actual cartoon ghost fingers to sneak up on a fast food restaurant, and this Ukrainian sky has the balls to actually start howling as it goes from mostly cloudy to those are the Garzerian party in like 80 seconds. Rapid fire tornado rounds!
A stream of 100-foot-high flames ignites in the Australian Outback. The Book of Revelations could have been happening in the Australian Outback since the late 80s and nobody would have noticed.
These New Mexico citizens prepare for an ordinary independence day, taking video of their lawn when, pow, the Old Testament breaks out. In under a minute, their suburban New Mexico neighborhood is whiter than the cast of Breaking Bad. The storm dumped a foot of hail on New Mexico in July.
While these helicopter shots look like the aftermath of every shitty east coast snowstorm ever, try to keep in mind it is 100 degrees out. And then try not to just like totally shit your pants. 17th one sneak attack round!
As it carries debris down the street, this flood appears to wait patiently at the glass doors of this library.
Almost too pa- Jailbreak! Our friends at the EPA insist that we acknowledge that there are some perfectly scientific explanations for some of these videos.
For instance, that first whirlpool where a lake appears to be drinking itself, actually just a floodplain draining down into a river behind the camera person. Could it swallow you and everyone you love into its gulping, sludge-digestive track? Probably. But it's not like the bowels of hell opened up under a lake and started devouring the surface world. Not in that video at least.
In this video, the Earth's decaying guts appear to suddenly swear an angry blood oath on the surface world. Everything that's ever felt the sun's warm touch is swallowed down into an eternal darkness.
But once again, this isn't as bad as it seems, right? According to a recent New York Times article, those trees are simply being devoured by the Biocorn Sinkhole in Louisiana, which is, quote, almost as big as 20 football fields. It's been, quote, lazily biting off chunks of forest and creeping hungrily toward an earthen burn? Whoa.
Hey, I'm Dan, crack's resident party animal, and I'm all about the three T's. Tits, two beers with my friends, and tight, because I like to have a tight time with all my friends, and beers, and tits, and subscribe, and we can party together. That's, uh, together. A fourth T. |
TheOnion | Man_Doesn_t_Even_Do_Good_Job_At_Sleeping | Along with his consistently poor performance at work, his inability to maintain lasting relationships and his general lack of common everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping. When I get out of bed in the morning, my back aches, my neck is stiff, and I'm usually more tired than I was when I went to bed the night before. I must be doing it all wrong. While White acknowledged he has tried a variety of techniques to improve his performance at falling unconscious, from adhesive nose strips to a dentist prescribed mouthguard, he confirmed that even after 31 years of trying, he remains entirely incompetent at finding an adequate sleeping position and keeping his bedsheets on him throughout the night. One of my arms always gets caught underneath me.
I don't even breathe right half the time. I haven't even gotten into all the sweating. How is this in any way a normal amount of drool?
Being that he sucks so bad at going to bed that he wakes himself up at least a dozen times per night with his own snoring, White added there are myriad other ways he does a lousy job at performing one of the most basic tasks of being a human being. I always wake up 15 minutes before my alarm goes off. I fucking hate that. And I talk in my sleep, even though sleep is when you're supposed to be quiet. I grind my teeth, so that means that I can't even get my own mouth to do what it's supposed to do at night.
I'm fucking useless. Jesus Christ, come on. Truth be told, I don't think I'll ever really get the hang of sleeping. |
dropout | Dinosaurs_Were_Technically_Birds_No_Laugh_Newsroom | It's Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Lips London. And I'm Poof Goof, our top story tonight.
There's a bird in my pocket. Right before we went on air, a tiny blue bird flew into the studio and went right into Poof's pocket. My goodness, this is adorable. There was a murder, but I'll be honest, I'd rather talk about this. It's possible, this is my new favorite bird. I agree. Before my favorite birds were...
What? Fuck me.
A blue jay, a robin, a cardinal, a flamingo. Dinosaurs were technically birds, a pterodactyl. Sorry, dinosaurs were technically birds? I was just listening to an NPR story about this, Brennan. I believe that, you mean birds were technically dinosaurs. Not all dinosaurs were birds. He has a point. Oh God, damn it, I don't know if I know five more birds.
Perhaps a seagull. A seagull? A seagull.
You could pick an owl or a hawk. Owl, hawk. Pigeon, hawk.
Duck. Big bird, does he count? Duck. Duck, there you go. Is another one of my favorite birds.
Really? Why was that the last one? Which last one?
Because a duck is adorable. Because a duck swims and is therefore covered in water. As a cancer, I'm a water sign.
Makes sense. Fascinating. Any who, three people are dead in a brutal slaying in, oh my. What is it?
Bird. Moving in my pocket. What does that feel like? It just feels like a little tickly. It feels like feathers, soft feathers. Moving softly and now rapidly on my skin. It's invigorating. Interesting. Say more about that. It feels really, really soft and flappy. Nope, now there's a little bit of a peck. Well, the bird has moved around to the small of my back and it is now moving up my jacket a little bit and now it's just straight up pecking me. It's kind of painful.
Terrific. We've used up all of our murder time so we'll move on to entertainment news with our own Gooey Anderson Gooey. Thanks, Lips. Well, Oscar season is underway. Last night, The Hollywood Reporter hosted a round table of some of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Now, our cameras weren't allowed in so I'll do an impression of all the celebrities. That's great. You're known for your impressions, Gooey.
I am. So it started off with Robert De Niro and he was like, I'm walking here. That's Al Pacino. Hey, man. Sorry, Dustin Hoffman. I'm gonna do the segment and you're gonna be quiet. Definitely Dustin Hoffman. And then Julia Roberts said, I'm walking here.
And now you won't believe me. But then President Obama, this doesn't feel. Everybody cheered and he was like.
I'm walking here. Which of course that meant that Peter, Jesus. Peter Griffin had to come on stage and say, fuck me. I'm fucking, I'm walking here.
I officially should have had this role. Then of course the last speaker of the night was a big friendly brown bear. You really should have. Who only wanted, big friendly brown bear who only wanted some honey. She was like.
Made it, 0.2 seconds into that impression. Let it, let it. It's not, they're not. I gotta keep doing it. Fuck, this is torture. Honey, come on, please. No, I'm walking here. All right, back to you in the studio. Thanks, Gooey.
Finally tonight, an editorial word from our station president, Dr. Kristin Chambers. A word of wording, Dr. Chambers is a total perv. Hello everyone. I'm Dr. Chambers and I'm going to make a list for you of all the things that turned me on. Dr. Chambers, the FCC has asked that your editorials be related to the news.
I think it's newsworthy that I get burned by unlikely animal friends. Oh Jesus. What? Everyone loves unlikely animal friends. If there's a video of a cat and a fox taking a nap together or a hedgehog and an otter sharing a piece of cabbage, we all get wet.
False. Okay, keep lying. Here's a list of more things that make my big stupid Johnson hard. Bookstores, pineapples, those thick straws that only fast food restaurants give you. When actors and players turn out to talk straight to the audience. Cans that don't have the pull tabs so you have to say to yourself, Jesus, do I even own a can opener? Just the top part of butts before you get to the crack. Obvious lies.
When the person in front of you at the coffee shop gets to the counter and they're like, hmm, what should I get? Like they've never been in a coffee shop before.
Ear bug headphones.
And of course, titties. I hated hearing that. We all did. Oh fuck. Before we go, we should announce that this week's loser is Elaine Carol. Oh no. The bird died when he said titties. Oh, I'll tell you. Big loser. Incredible. Oh, in my chair just went.
I love that this guy will slap his ass on an Instagram video but can't do a two second bear impression. You guys listen, if the script had said, show us your ass, I would have been golden. You want me to do a Barack Obama impression? Come on. Brandon, I love that you got this job with a Tim Curry impression and you just did a Tim Curry impression. |
cracked | the_most_cringe_worthy_true_tales_of_teenage_romance | I was raised by pop culture as a kid, and also currently, so all of my ideas about love and relationships were based on the romantic comedy side scene. When I was 17 I wrote a poem for a girl that I was dating when I went away for Christmas break and I thought it was so good that I saved a copy for myself.
As the sun descends in the west, setting the clouds aflame.
Something missing, Michael Swam, 10th grade. There's something missing from my time, a vital something, rich, sublime. To impress a cute vegetarian girl, I stopped eating meat because I wanted her to know that I understood and supported her complicated life choices. The clouds creep past to reveal an icy dead world, which she didn't find romantic, but she also didn't find it sexy or interesting, so we decided to continue not dating me. Deciduous forests offer a pale curved landscape of purity, like tiny hair. In the hesitant stance of a poised ballet dancer. There's something missing from my life. I'll fly across more frost and hair, kissing my window, don't do that. I met a very religious girl at a summer camp where I worked and I liked her, so I changed religions for a year. As the scarred hawk whirls in an arc of magnificence. Partner with full virtues rife now from my soul is missing.
I don't know what that was a metaphor for. As Rodin's man of stone. That monolith. The thinker?
When I was 14, I met a girl who said she liked sensitive musician types, so I wrote out the lyrics to Brick by Ben Foltz 5, and I told her A, that I had written it, and B, that I had written it about her. Stands firm against the enmity of forever. And this backfired, A, because everyone knew that song was a hugely popular song, and B, because it was about abortion. Such is the strength of she.
I probably didn't know what it meant. Probably I thought it was a place that married people went.
When I return, it will blossom once again and it will have another ring around the trunk. A bigger one.
Abortion Falls, Idaho. Where you guys going? We're going to abortion.
With its bosom of thick aether. To soothe and cool. A Bortland. Such is the boundlessness of she. Like an organ. No one can have roots and wings.
I stole that. I don't even remember where. Sweet home Alabama, I want to say. To she, for whom my poor heart aches.
As being dazzled by impossible occurrences. Do you follow me? In a very misguided and sitcom-esque attempt to make one girl jealous, I invented a girlfriend who I then carried on a fake relationship with for eight months. When I described this fake girl to my best friend, who was real, he said she sounded kind of like a b***h. So I got into my very first fistfight that I was ever involved in. Love is but a cat or a wall and shout into the dark.
I rollerbladed a lot. I didn't see that in a movie anywhere. I got it in my head that chicks like rollerbladers. So I did that all the time. Imagine in all these stories, imagine that I'm also rollerblading while they're happening. That I'm not eating meat or I'm praying to Mecca or whatever it was that I did. Just writing out Ben Foll's five lyrics, rollerblading down the street.
I cheated on her while I was away. So, always a pretty strong writer. |
dropout | donald_trump_will_never_be_president_or_will_he | Hey, Trapp, how are you? I'm doing great.
It's a beautiful day, and Trump is the Republican presidential nominee. And that's a good thing. Oh, sure. The GOP has basically thrown this election away. The future's looking bright.
Unless he somehow wins the election. God, he's only one election away from becoming the most powerful person in the country. He's half of the viable options for president?
It's insane! It's insane. It's insane! Impossible! Crazy to think that that buffoon could ever win an election.
I mean, I can't stop laughing. It's a big joke. A joke on all of us.
That Trump even got this far as an embarrassment. For Republicans. And all of America. We can put all that behind us soon, because there's no way a majority of Americans will get behind Trump. Like a majority of his party did. But only because their options were more numerous and buried than any time in recent memory. And still, they elect this narcissistic, guaranteed loser. Every pundit agrees.
There's no way he can win the election. Just like they agreed he'd never win the nomination.
But they're definitely right this time. At their heart, Americans aren't that stupid. No, no, no, no, no, we're better than that.
Trump will lose. He has to! Unless he woos the same small group of swing voters that decide every election. Which definitely won't happen, right? And then Trump will be gone forever! Or he'll become a permanent political fixture, even if he loses. Like Sarah Palin.
No!
Jeremy! How are you? Same. Hey, it's Graham from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching! |
cracked | 5_videos_that_tried_to_be_cute_but_failed_hilariously_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 15 of Crack TV, where wearing sweater vests always is mandatory. Seriously, if I don't, they dock my pay. Isn't that right, orientation guy from the Hudsucker proxy? I'm a doctor!
Due to conditions placed on our receiving of government bailout money, today's topic is five videos they thought would be cute. The number of babies represented in YouTube videos is roughly twice the global population. Statistically speaking, every pristine child laughing adorably represents the tip of an iceberg of terrible videos that the uploaders thought would be cute when the cameras started rolling. And though they failed at that task, here are five that managed to swing all the way back around to horrifying. What's cuter than a baby?
Nothing. That's what.
And this one starts off strong. Bitch has got some moves, but after her mom starts challenging her, she proves she's also got impeccable timing. Not to mention AIM. She should get a goldfish in a bag or something. Although my favorite part of the video is the dismount, as the mother defies all logic by not dashing the baby to the ground and sprinting for the sink. Frankly, it's a little awkward.
What's cuter than a baby? Kinda anything now. So let's hit the other standby. Tiny animals. I mean, there's certainly nothing about a puppy crying out to be held that could be utterly terrifying, right? Ah, get it away. It sounds like the horse baby from Eraserhead trying to imitate human speech. It's probably flinging itself against the rail in an attempt to end its miserable life. Okay, so babies and animals are out. But what if we combine the two? I mean, nothing beats a baby playing with an animal while their loved ones look on with smiling faces. Okay, so choice of animal, also a factor.
This is absolutely negligent. I mean, letting your kid live in India, come on. That's what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are for.
On the bright side though, at least this dude knows how to fight snakes now. Ah, knew how to fight snakes.
I see what the problem is. We've been sending babies to do a man's job. I'll bet a trained adult can fulfill all our cuteness needs.
Let's all go to the lobby.
Well, the first act was pretty good. And hey, at least the adult managed to subdue his animal after some... ...effort. Fine, forget humans, forget animals. But what about some kind of hybrid? Like if an adorable kitten made love to a baby. We were failing that. How about an animal doing something human? Something that shows he thinks he's people. Ladies and gentlemen, please avert your eyes for the cavalcade of animal masturbation.
Well, that does it for this episode. Hey, Clippy, what'd you think about that last one? Pretty cute, huh? It will not be repeated. Yeah, you say that now. And remember, if you want to help me pick next week's topic, you better start clipping those box tops. I've been your host, Droid Michael Slame. A wow me to play you out. |
SaturdayNightLive | vincent_price_s_thanksgiving_special_snl | Thanksgiving, a holiday originating with the pagan festival of Grabnosh-nishnak, where naked, blood-soaked man-beast feasted on the entrails of peasant children. it was either that or the pilgrims came up with it. you know, I don't really know. I went to a small school. it was just me and joyther guys. Nevertheless, it is a day marked by gorging oneself on the flesh of a brutally decapitated fowl. a fowl brought to our banquet by the incomparable Clark Gable. All right, everyone, gather round. this time, turkey is fit for a king.
How lovely. Yes, I hope it's a long shot, if you know what I mean. yes, I unfortunately do. Moving on! Much like the ancient Egyptian mortuary artisans filled their cadavers with carbonate salt, so must one prepare a bread stuffing for the body cavity of our deceased ape. Here at that very delicacy are my good friends, Alfred Hitchcock and Judy Garland. Good evening. I whipped up some of my famous cornbread stuffing for all of you. although fortunately, I seem to have ingested most of it on the car ride over here.
Well, you did leave half. that shows remarkable restraint. we're here to perform a short playlet illustrating the events surrounding the first Thanksgiving. Oh, a play! Wonderful! I just look there to. don't you make it, Rooney. let's begin. Splendid. greetings, White Man. we welcome you to our forest. Oh, do you ever get the feeling that your hands are made of sand? Is that part of the play, or are you asking me? Oh, oh, Toto, I don't think I want to be on this boat anymore. I see. Well, that truly was a lovely play.
Now, I think this would be a good time to get Miss Garland a nice cold shower and maybe a gallon of coffee. I always find that what usually works is a little hair of the dog. you're not helping, Gable. Now, while we get this sorted out, please enjoy this word from one of our sponsors. Oh, she's on the phone. Oh, she's on the floor now. Am I the only one seeing this?
Chesterfield, Chesterfield. Most doctors recommend Chesterfield. Chesterfield Cigarette!
Now, why would you bring her here in that condition? I mean, it's ten o'clock in the morning. are we back? are you serious? Who makes twelve second cigarette commercials? This is ridiculous.
All right. welcome back, Wanderer. you have survived this far, and for that I salute you. we have a special treat for you now. we have a turkey, and Hitchcock hasn't eaten all the stuffing yet. And all that's left is a nice dessert. And here, with a nice pumpkin pie is everyone's favorite: Illegal Alien Desi Arnaz and his lovely wife, Lucille Ball. Thank you, Vincent. thank you, Vincent. Happy Thanksgiving, Vincent.
Lucille, take it easy. I'm sorry, Ricky.
Okay, that's better. Look, Vincent, we brought you five plantains. Traditional Cuban Thanksgiving dessert. plantains? Well, that's interesting.
I had you down for a pumpkin pie, but hey, why listen to me? I'm only the host of the show.
Now, Thanksgiving is different in Cuba where I come from, so I wrote a song about it for you, and Lucille promised that she won't sing at all. Oh, come on, Ricky. Lucille, you promised. But, Ricky. Lucille, no. oh, fine. ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Happy Thanksgiving. it's that dirty time of the year. Happy Thanksgiving. Lucille, Lucille, I told you no singing. But, Ricky.
Well, I can't say I didn't see that one coming. And thankfully, that's all the time we have. I'd like to thank all my guests.
George! George, Why won't you look at me, George? don't you remember Paris? George!
What is she doing back in here? Hitchcock! Take care of her!
All right, as I was saying, take your time, Buddy, anytime, you know. All right. Oh, yes. you have just adjourned into the very cortex of evil incarnate. you may now return to the drudgery that is your pitiful existence. But wait. you forgot something. your soul. this has been Vincent Price of the Thanksgiving Day special. Thanks for watching. see you next time. |
dropout | the_12_beards_of_christmas | Santa? Hey, do you have any herbal teas? I don't really do dairy. Chamomile or milk thistle would be great, please. Santa?
Oh, I've got... Here's some pickles my buddy Tristan makes in Brooklyn. And here's a screenplay I wrote. I'm trying to get into Demetri Martin's hands.
Santa? And what up, tiny player? What you got in this cabinet? Yo, you see this?
It's my daughter's name. I fuck. Get over it.
Oh, shit. Hey, hey, buddy. She put me in a chair and put me in a headlock, right? Oh, too slow, homo.
Hey, Chris Kringle, how the hell are you? Carl, you piece of shit. Yeah, no, no. I'm working.
We can believe it. I guess we're in Wisconsin or something. I know it's really cold out here, so anyway.
What the hell are you doing? Oh, you bitch. Palm Springs, huh?
Santa? Oh, whoops. Looks like we found ourselves under the mistletoe. Oh, come on. Don't leave your uncle Santa alone tonight. Santa? Ho, ho, ho! Ahh! Santa? Ahh! Santa? Oh, hey. I got you some Yu-Gi-Oh cards. I'm just going to make sure there are any valuables that I might want to say. Santa?
Hey, you're not supposed to see me. This never gets any easier. |
dropout | ugh_political_comedy_is_the_worst | Okay, in our last announcement before the writers' meeting, we have a fire drill tomorrow, which also means that in addition to the air drill, water drill, and earth drill we've already done, we'll have all the drills!
Hey guys, knock knock knock, just wanted to stop by and say we'd love to get some more political comedy on the site, so if we could just, you know, can it? What? Why? Litical comedy? Are you kidding me? Who wants political comedy?
It's just a bunch of socialists trying to shove their progressive agendas down our throat. We hate this agenda-shoving gun! Leave our agendas un-shoved! I'll tell you why they're making us do more political comedy, which we hate. Ugh.
Midterms. What? Midterms. Midterms?
Yeah, the midterm elections on Tuesday, November 6th. Tuesday, November 6th? Yes, they're having midterm elections on the first Tuesday of November, Tuesday, November 6th. When? Tuesday, November 6th. What's happening Tuesday, November 6th? The midterm elections were 36 of America's 50 governors, 87 of America's 99 state legislatures, 35 of America's 100 senators, and all 435 of America's congresspeople are for elections.
Ugh. God. And we have to write comedy about that? Oh! What about this poor comedy pitch? We set it up by talking about how boring politics are, right? We love that one. Yeah, yeah. But then, boom, we hit them with the punch line, which is that due to gerrymandering, voter suppression, and the widespread purging of voter rolls, we are going to need an overwhelming voter turnout just to have a chance to flip the house. And then, someone gets hit in the nards. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, here's an idea. What about something with graphics? People love visual comedy these days.
It could be like the states where early voting is allowed at your polling place. Or a graphic that tells you how to look up your polling place. Or a graphic about states that let you vote by mail. Ugh. Or a graphic of all the places that allow same-day registration. Wait, what's registration? Oh, you have to register to vote register to vote register to vote midterm elections are on Tuesday November 6 I know we all hate this political comedy cuz it's shoving an agenda But I think it could be something about how some places you can register on the same day and some days you have to register Two weeks in advance and some place you have to register a whole month in advance And if you haven't registered you're in one of those places you should probably get on it Wouldn't it be easier to just register everybody to vote automatically?
Yes, that would be extremely easy. Yeah, it's useless Political comedy is just so dumb and terrible just how it's stupid how people are being purged from voter rolls at an alarming Historic rate especially people of color. I wish political comedy were easy You know the way that it's easy to look up and see online if you two have been purged from a voter roll What if we put someone like a silly costume with crazy makeup and we never call it out or address it just goes Unmentioned and instead the sketch focuses on you know really exciting candidates like Beto O'Rourke in Texas Stacey Abrams in Georgia Oh guinea picking off of that What if we do a sketch where I remind people that they are way more likely to vote when they go with a buddy Like because then they'll plan how and when they're gonna vote and that's good because most people work on Tuesday So they need to pre-schedule that way elections aren't considered national holidays. They aren't that's crazy. That's crazy crazy. That's crazy So what you're saying is I should make a plan to get to the polls on election day Tuesday, November 6 Or make a plan for early voting or a mail-in ballot and if you feel like doing more you can register to friends So you feel like might need help registering if you're a real superhero You can donate your time your money to a candidate You're really excited about or even drive people to the polling place if they're not able to make it something like that I think something might be wrong with Brennan's Nards please somebody Tell everyone they have to go vote on November 6 Hi, it's Brennan from College Humor all the links that we mentioned in the video are available in the description down here If you want to make sure you're registered to vote go check them out Hey guys, it's Brennan from College Humor click here to subscribe Click here for more fun stuff and please keep watching because if you stop watching I start to vanish Get it.
I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen |
SaturdayNightLive | herpes_gone_bananas_snl | Mom? Yes, dear. how come Daddy isn't home yet, huh? Well, you know he's just been promoted to a very special job. uh-huh. does that mean doesn't work on lips no more? No, dear. that was when your father was Herbie's Simplex one. he's Herbie's Simplex two now. is that higher up, Mom? Well, not exactly. it's actually lower down. Gee, I don't know what's keeping him. Oh, dear. that outbreak was only supposed to last five or six days. Mom, now that Daddy's a Herbie's Simplex two, can we move? the base of the spine is a really disgusting place to live.
Stop that, Seymour. we're Herpies. we have to stay here. people are trying to wipe us off the face of the earth. that's why we have to be ready to defend ourselves. But they'll never stamp us out. Never.
Daddy's home. Thank God. Daddy's home.
Oh, tough day at the Orifice, Dear. I'll say it's rough out there. where's my big boy? where is he? Come here, Seymour. how are ya? ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, Daddy? Daddy?
Mommy was not the herpies. they hate them and they want to kill them. that's right, son. but you never have to be ashamed that you're herpish. Seymour, let daddy relax. he's tired. Eh, what a time I had on the front. sometimes I wish they never made me a Herpies Simplex two, Estelle. ha. it was easier working on the lips. you sat there up under the nose for a few days. you did your thing and nobody bothered you. nobody made a big deal out of it. But this genital herpies, Estelle, that's a whole new ballgame. you can handle it, dear. I know you can.
Yeah, it's awful. everything is very peaceful at first, yeah? I didn't want to provoke anybody at first, you see, right? Then all of a sudden, it happened. What? contact. Wow, a fight? what'd you do, Dad, huh? what'd you do? did you flare up, Dad? did you get mean?
I was inflamed. I know how you get when you're provoked, all red in the face and angry. Yes, now I got sore. I got real sore.
So a lot of action up there, doll face. there were all types of herpies all over the place. And then I swear to you, I saw something I had never seen before around herpies. Simplex two. What was that? Herpies Simplex one. that's disgusting. No, the Simplex one. Guys can go any place now. But it was herpies against herpies, staring each other in the face. one's against two's.
Well, what happened then, dear? Thank God you're alive. all of a sudden, Kabam! And you know what happened? the other side pulled back and they brought in some of that zovarax to mop up. we were forced to retreat. I was lucky to get back alive.
So did you win, Dad? Seymour, my son. it takes a lot more in the little ointment to kill a herpies. Simplex two. But you didn't win, Dad. you didn't win. you retreated. you lost. you may have lost that first battle, Seymour, my son, But we'll be back stronger than ever. And when you grow up, you'll be able to fight by my side. And together we'll win.
And then we'll spread out and they'll never stop us. Seymour, I'm sure of it. Why, darling, what makes you so sure? Because Estelle, they took prisoners. the fools, they're one of us now. they're Herpies Simplex two, too. we're everywhere, Estelle. we're everywhere. And you know that I know that we're everywhere. we're gonna take over the block. Herpies forever. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_titanic | I'm the king of the world! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Titanic, James Cameron's thought-provoking exploration of whether or not boys can float. This blockbuster smash broke box office records, but it's also loaded with little-known trivia and behind-the-scenes stories that will change the way you watch Titanic forever. You probably know this moment became an iconic scene in cinema history, but did you know it's also been the leading cause of death at sea for 20 years running? Pretty neat. James Cameron took some liberties in telling his version of the Titanic story. For example, the real captain of the Titanic never would have driven the boat this fast. To do so would have been extremely dangerous and possibly even resulted in a crash. Not to mention the fact that actress Kathy Bates is a passenger on the ship, even though the real Kathy Bates wasn't born until 1948, and the film takes place in 1912. But was there a real Jack and Rose on the Titanic? Well, yes and no. We know from ship logs that there was a couple who fucked in a car on the Titanic, but as far as whether or not they ever did a stupid dance, we'll probably never know.
This is actually pretty sweet. Cameron donated all the water used in the film to a kid who just ate a really hot pepper. The film received an R rating for this scene where Cal flips a perfectly good table.
God, that's hard to watch. I don't know about you, but I'm starting to think that Iceberg was God's punishment for all these horrendous hats. For more snarky takes on hats in movies, be sure to check out my blog, filmguychatshats.hatchat.com. That's .com, not .com. This is interesting. Sex.
James Cameron had the brilliant idea to make Leonardo DiCaprio look like shit in this scene so audiences wouldn't care when he died. And it worked. In the first cut of the film, this dolphin played a key role in the climactic scene, where he chewed up Jack's corpse, then spit it into Rose's mouth so she could have the energy to survive in open water. But he was ultimately cut for time.
So this is the ship they say is unsinkable. It is unsinkable. God himself could not sink this ship. There's a lot of dark foreshadowing throughout the film, like in this scene where the Titanic sinks, foreshadowing the deadly fate that awaits the passengers on board.
Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Ah yes, the famous line that inspired the classic meme. Do you have a meme that cracks you up? Send your favorite meme to 201 East Jefferson Street, Phoenix, Arizona 85004 and I might use it to cheer up my sick Aunt Darb. I love you Aunt Darb, and my mom says you have a lot to live for, even though you're super old and all of your friends are dead.
And finally, many have speculated that there was enough room on the door for Jack to fit, possibly allowing him to survive. And as this diagram clearly shows, he easily could have fit underneath it. Case closed.
Gentlemen, it has been a privilege playing with you tonight. Well, those are all the Titanic facts I have for now. Hopefully you learned something new about one of the most romantic films of all time. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | hinting_that_you_re_queer_too | Geronimo. It's not like the NSA to be late. There was an armed guard on the way in.
There's nothing I couldn't handle.
Do you have the drive? You see that gentleman over there next to the dame in red? He's in his breast pocket. I'll make a pull and pass it to you. Brill, are you reading this? Who is this guy? His name is Watt.
Let me just see if he's gay. Awesome. Thank you. Oh, yeah. He's super gay.
Good.
Now, how do I let him know that I'm queer, too? Why don't you just say that? Oh, no. Hey, I'm also a total homo. It's awkward. Why?
Because then it's like I'm going to hit on him. But you are going to hit on him. Yes, but I don't want him to know that. Now, we just have to hint at it. Hey, dude, please just spy.
You know, this hard drive can stop worldwide cyber attacks.
Just focus up for a little bit. I will. I just... Oh, those fucking haunches are... I don't know exactly what a hunch is. It's the part I can figure it out.
And he says to me, a good suit ages like a fine wine. And like wine.
It's only worthwhile when it's expensive.
You guys talking about bars? Yeah, I love that bar rawhide. Yeah. Rawhide is pretty wild. Jesus Christ. You guys ever been to rawhide?
What? I don't believe so.
I think you'd like it. I think you and I have a lot in common.
It's a fine evening for a party. You know, I'm a little bummed it's tonight because drag race is on. I love drag race.
Me too. What? I've never seen it. Ah, I love it. You know, I used to do drag in college. Really?
No, but I always thought I could. You know, I always thought I'd really fit in that world.
Just leave. You have the drive. Oh, you... you're a little something right there. Oh. Oh, okay.
Did he have something in his hair? Yeah. I didn't see anything. It was there. Well, what was it? Fucking stop it. What was that? You know what? I think... I think that was my phone.
Hey.
Maybe it was my grinder. You guys ever seen grinder? Here, take a look. That's my profile. Are you really 24? Yes. You know, maybe it wasn't grinder. I think it was... yep.
It was a text from my ex-boyfriend. Yeah, a boy... friend. My ex-boyfriend. It was a boy. That's so sad. When did you break up? A long time ago. And he still texts you. Yep. He's kind of clingy.
Is that your type? My type is any guy. Okay? Any guy. Just any... any guy. Do you have low standards?
What are you doing? What's happening? Are you a shrink? Are you a therapist? What are you doing?
Should I lay down? Excuse me, sir. You have a phone call. No, I don't.
Hey, how about after this? We could, um... Hey, uh... Got a little, uh, something right there.
Got it. God damn it. I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | the_parasite_you_probably_have | Well, hey there, welcome to What the Facts, our companion show to What the F-101. My name's Jake Young, and I'm super jazzed about the Parasite episode. It's just all really gross facts about the wriggly ways that parasites can get into your body and the violent, horrifying ways that they come out of them. And I wanted to learn more. And so, in order to help us, we've enlisted the help of Kevin Lafferty, who is a senior ecologist at the U.S. Geological Survey.
Kevin, how are you doing? I'm doing great.
How do you think we handled the topic of parasites in the cartoon? Was there any glaring omissions that you noticed? Well, I want to say it's very rare for me to work with somebody that would actually spend the time to animate wasps emerging from a caterpillar. So right off the bat, I have to ask, what is the juiciest, just grossest thing you've personally witnessed in nature? What fish is out there just getting its shitwrecked the hardest?
Well, you know, the animation of the isopod taken over the tongue. We see that, you know, you open this fish's mouth and there's these two eyes inside. They're looking right back at you. It's super, super weird and disorienting, you know?
So that's a nice one. When the fish is caught, have you ever seen like the louse just kind of like pull the ejector seat and just scuttle away or like once it's locked in there, it's there for life? It can dislodge if it needs to, but it holds on. I mean, it worked hard to get to where it was. You know, it's got those sharp little hooks on the end of its legs and it digs right in.
You know, in the show, we talked about Professor Foxtrot laid out how, you know, parasites are part of the great web of nature and that, you know, there's these beautiful, you know, efficient creatures that interact with us in this great swarm that we call life. But I am still having trouble buying it. What is it about parasites that kind of eke out people more than just, say, a tiger chasing an antelope or a virus kind of, you know, giving you the flu? What is it about parasites that have captured our imaginations, specifically our nightmares? Yeah, OK. So I think you're totally right to be skeptical. Even though this is entertaining, we can't ignore the fact that millions of poor people have been impacted by parasites like malaria, schismomiasis, filariasis, even though that's not part of our like day to day experience or risk to us as privileged, wealthy people in Western countries. We still, I think, have the remnants of evolving with the threat of parasites. Maybe you think about it. If you just imagine a tick crawling up your leg, it makes you want to scratch or like, I've got to hold my nose to go into a porta potty, you know, the smell of feces is an indication that I'm at risk of being exposed to parasites. And so we've learned or evolved disgust as a response that helps us keep from getting sick.
And that's perfectly natural. I think that doesn't mean that they can't be part of the, you know, big, happy web of life.
In fact, when we're on the same side as parasites, we benefit from them. I'm sorry, like, are you talking about how, like, in a bad comic book, sometimes Superman has to team up with Lex Luthor? Like, where are we teaming up with parasites?
Insect Peci, 40 percent of the production of agriculture around the world. And we can use pesticides to kill those bugs or we can rely on the natural enemies like those parasitoid wasps that eat caterpillars from the inside out. Speaking of stuff that kills bugs, I found this online. This is a cordyceps tea that was, you know, if you're a fan of video games, you already know what cordyceps are. They were the evil fungus that turned everyone into zombies in The Last of Us. Planet Earth had like a whole gross sequence.
Oh, it's the worst color. Oh, that's not a good color.
Oh, that's Kevin. Oh, no, that's that's another thing that really freaks me out is, you know, I'm a conscious human being. I am a sentient life form endowed with various cool stuff like free will and smartphones like how can a parasite really like wriggle into my brain and control my mind? For sure. I might even be doing so as we speak. That's that's what's awesome about it. I mean, so OK, so let's talk about something that I think we can both agree on, which is that the rabies virus messes with behavior. Right. We know we see it in rabid dogs. They're like completely transformed.
And we know the same thing can happen to people. We just don't freak out about it because it's rare. At least it's rare now in human history. It didn't used to be rare in the past. There's other places in the world what still happens actually pretty frequently.
I work with this much more common parasite, toxoplasma gondii. And we know from really good, solid experimental studies that this thing will manipulate rodent behavior, make the rodents less afraid of cats. So the cats are key because the parasite uses the cat as a final host to complete its life cycle. And this parasite not only goes into rodents, it goes into people. And in some countries, most everybody in the country is infected. Right. And so the parasite doesn't know it's not in a rodent brain. It's in a human brain. It still tries its tricks that work on a rodent. And so we know that this parasite can cause subtle changes in human personality. And what makes that really interesting is when you have a parasite that can affect personality and if it can affect most of the people in one country and hardly any people in another country, then maybe that explains some of this cultural variation that we see around the world. I'm not going to lie, I would make first, you know, when there was those first those headlines about toxoplasmosis on the Internet, I was really hoping that was going to be just one of those things that like a year later, they'd be like, no, they try it again.
Never mind. You're fine. Everything's fine.
And I've owned way too many cats to not be freaked out. Yeah, I mean, there's a there's a decent chance that you're infected. I had myself tested before I wrote my papers on it just so I could have a clear perspective on it. And at the time, I wasn't infected.
So OK, OK, stop right. All right.
It's oh, I'm I'm a cool. I'm a cool adjunct at a major college. I I do environmental work at the time in history where it's most needed.
My brain isn't full of monsters. Good for you. I don't have to share co-authorship with the parasite in my brain.
How does like on an evolutionary perspective, how does a creature? Like figure that out, because sometimes it's really specific. I think this is another, you know, nature documentary call out trematodes that would go into a snail and like literally turn their heads into giant pulsating like signals for birds to see so that they can get it literally go from the mud of the earth into the sky. Natural selection operates by incredibly inefficient trial and error. But if you do that over millions of years, then you can get to some pretty cool places like I mean, you take the eye or wings or a barnacles giant penis. You don't get there in one millisecond. It takes lots of trial and error to get there.
So parasites are the same. And this like the example of the foxtrot frog that's sprouting all these weird limbs, that parasite has lots of relatives and its ancestors, too, that just infected the muscles of frogs. OK, nothing special happens in most of those cases. But this particular parasite by accident ended up in the limb buds of tadpoles. And being there, they can mess with the production of new legs. It was multiple legs. They make just legs where legs shouldn't be. Yes, exactly.
And so when the when that frog climbs out of the pond, it's more likely to get eaten by a raccoon or a bird. And that that is the final host of that parasite. And that final host helps move that parasite to the next pond. Otherwise, you know, it wouldn't be able to complete its life cycle and would get stuck.
So those sorts of, you know, adaptations, we see them all the time in parasites. And we think that they're so unusual. But I think the the way to comprehend it is that trial and error over millions of years gets you to some pretty strange places.
I, you know, I need to settle my nerves. Let me just. Oh, that is sourdirt. Oh, God. Oh, OK. OK, it's it's like it's like like vegetable stock that went bad.
Yeah, well, I mean, eating the spores is safe. You just don't want them to grow into your body through your skin. Wait, no, that's that's that's the bug spore. They won't know what to do in me. Yeah, yeah, that's fine.
Kevin, thank you so much for joining us. And how can we follow your work and support it in the future?
Just, you know, think about parasites, keep spreading the message. That's what we want to get people to know about these hidden creatures inside of us that actually are pretty cool. Kevin, that sounds like something a parasite in your brain would say in order to spread to more hosts.
I suggest you get retested. I will get retested.
This is an excellent idea. But that could be the parasites. Well, thanks again, Kevin. Well, that was essentially terrible.
Hey, you've been watching What the Facts? And don't forget to check out What the F 101 on Dropout TV.
Next week, we'll be covering self experimentation and all the gross ways that it's been used to advance the medical community. And hey, speaking of self experimentation, cheers.
Oh, it's like a portobello nightmare in my brain. This was a terrible idea. We're not doing this bit again. That was bad for my mouth.
We're done, right? We're done. Just get the I need water. |
cracked | why_50_shades_of_grey_was_clearly_written_by_an_alien | Hi, I'm Carmen Angelica, and today I want to talk about something a little sexy, Fifty Shades of Grey. Maybe you've heard of it, it sold 125 million copies worldwide and became a box office hit in the theater. So I gave it a read, and I'm going to say Fifty Shades of Grey is so obviously written by a young, horny, hungry alien. That's right, a young, horny, hungry alien. E.L. James stands for extra-terrestrial life just about making extra sex. You want me to spell it out better than that? Let's look at the characters.
You have Anastasia Steele and the guy she falls for, Christian Grey. Anastasia is supposedly a 21-year-old going to Washington State University in the year 2011. But, and this is where things get weird, she doesn't really have or use a computer, a phone, any social media, or an email until the sky appears in her life. In one scene, Christian Grey gives her a computer, which the guy who delivers asks her, What are you planning on using it for?
Uh, email? Email?
He chokes raising his eyebrows with a slightly sick look on his face. And maybe internet research. And maybe internet research? It's like someone describing using a car like, I use it for drives and riding the roads. A real 21-year-old would say googling shit, or surfing the web, or just research. Still not convinced?
When she says, I have an email, I've been using Kate's for four years. She's been using someone else's email for four years? Her roommate, Kate, to be exact. No one who is 21 years old in a pretty affluent college would use their roommate's email, and their roommate would be cool with it, because it's an invasion of privacy and making your own email is easy and free, and was easy and free in 2011. Unless it was an alien from outer space who did not know how email and privacy etiquette works.
Still not convinced? Christian Grey is a 27-year-old billionaire who dropped out of college and is an entrepreneur, but never specifies what he does.
Which is the laziest way of writing a character's job. Now yes, there are wealthy mid-20 folks, but most of them work in computer sciences, or are programmers who learned a skill set, or bankers on Wall Street. They have real, clearly defined jobs. The alien E.L. James might as well have just written, he does business in offices. And when he talks business, it usually sounds something like, have Andrea send me my schematics. Or the incentives are attractive enough. Or I have to take my helicopter to the merger meeting. Okay, that last one I made up. Because it's that stupid. Oh yeah, he flies helicopters and gliders and crap. And when would he have time to do this as such a business-y working man? It's so unrealistic. Unless you were an alien who felt that flight was simple compared to space travel and that working in business was just talking gibberish into phones. Anastasia steals orgasms all the time, like every time from any interaction with When they have sex, when he's groping her, when he tells her to come, don't believe me? These are real quotes.
Come for me, he whispers breathlessly, and I unravel at his words. Come for me, he growls, and his words are my undoing. Come for me, baby, his voice is harsh, and I explode around him.
I wish it was that easy. But if it was that easy to make people come, this book wouldn't have been a bestseller. Because everyone would just be like, come for me.
See, it didn't work. Not how sex works. People don't come on command. It takes a whole bunch of maneuvering and stuff, and let's face it, people don't always come in unison. Or at all. And that's okay. Let's all have some realistic expectations. Unless you were an alien who didn't know how sex worked.
In the book, they openly joke about how Christian Grey is stalking her. They joke about it 21 times, to be exact, while he actually does stalk her throughout the entire book series. He tracks her phone. He follows her when she travels out of town. He constantly controls what she wears. He controls where she gets hired by buying the company she works for.
He emails her and calls her incessantly, and if she doesn't get back to him right away, he gets mad enough to beat her. He beats her as punishment. Oh yeah, and when she asks why he likes beating her, he says because his mom was a crack whore and she looks like his mom.
Ew. There's a big difference between kinky and abuse. And I would like to believe that a grown woman wouldn't write a book that encourages this as sexy behavior. I would hope that it is an alien from outer space who isn't sure how people work. But the food in this book sounds delicious, so I can only assume that instead of learning about what BDSM really is like or what healthy love is or what humans would act like. E.L. James was a young, horny, hungry alien who went on food gawker a bench and came up with delicious descriptions of food, which I'll be honest was enjoyable. Anastasia ate pancakes non-stop, which sounds super sexy to me.
Come for me. So you still didn't work. Thanks so much for watching. If you'd like to see more videos by Cracked, please subscribe and please comment below with any other movies or books that you think might have been written by aliens too. |
ClickHole | the_great_exodus_rabbis_explain_the_story_of_passover | So, you want to know the story of Passover, the tale of the great exodus out of Egypt? It's a tale that has been passed down from generation to generation for thousands of years. Long ago, the Israelites were slaves in the land of Egypt, and the Pharaoh was very cruel to them.
He made the Israelites build gigantic statues of himself so that he could see what he looked like. Mirrors hadn't been invented yet, so if you wanted to know what you looked like, you needed to get your slaves to build you an enormous statue of yourself. One day, there was an Israelite who decided to be Moses. Ooh, Moses with the long lips. Ooh, Moses with the tiny eyes. Ooh, Moses with the big soft belly. Big red hat, small, small sack of beans, that's Moses.
Moses went to Pharaoh and he said, All of the slaves are leaving to go to the bathroom in the woods. When Moses said that, Pharaoh was not happy at all. He said to Moses, I am not happy at all about that Moses. Well, Moses was very unhappy with that. So he went to God's house and he said, God, Pharaoh will not listen to me.
So God sent the two plagues to ruin Pharaoh's life. The two plagues were as follows. One, God made everyone's fingers a little longer. And two, God sent the angel of death to kill the firstborn child of every Egyptian family. The Torah teaches us that the angel of death looked like wizard's era Michael Jordan wearing a sleepy time night cap. And the angel of death put all the firstborn children of Egypt into a sack and replaced them with skeletons. That night, Moses instructed the Israelites to stand on their front porches playing the saxophone so that the angel of death would know to pass over their houses and not steal their elderly sons. Because the angel of death passed over the Israelites' houses, Jews call this holiday Christmas in April.
In those days, the Pharaoh had a son named Horseboy, who he was immensely proud of because he looked a lot like a horse. The night of Passover, the angel of death killed Pharaoh's son, Horseboy. When Pharaoh saw that God made his fingers slightly longer, he said, I do not care about this. But when he saw that God had murdered his beloved horse-looking boy, Pharaoh was so sad that he climbed into a giant's pocket and paid the giant to run away into the desert.
The Israelites knew that this was their chance to escape, but they had no time to make good Jewish food for the journey, like Hebrew slime or Yiddish goat with lettuce sauce. Instead, they had to rush to make a lot of very dry biscuits called Uncle Moses' Bland Cracker Sunrise, which Jewish families eat every Passover to remember how much it tastes like sand. Then Moses split the ocean in half, which resulted in a $900 fine for vandalism against the ocean. And that's how Passover came to be. Moses got a ticket for messing up the ocean. And according to the ancient rabbis who wrote the Talmud, that's the only good thing that's ever happened. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_raheem_abdul_muhammed_on_the_moral_majority_snl | And now, with our commentary on Tv, is our movie and Tv critic, Raheem Abdul-mahamad. Raheem. shut up! I'm mad. I'm upset with the moral majority, man.
How can y'all sit there in your living room and say that it's too much sex, drugs, and violence on Tv? it ain't enough. Tv is boring, man. ain't nothing good on Tv no more. that's why I'm getting cable, you know? I like to come home after a hard day's work and see Anne Margaret's breasts, Or see Lonnie Anderson with some tight pants spread all over her butt. right? most normal men like that kind of stuff, but not Jerry Falwell, see? He'd rather sit home and watch some show about birds landing, right? Or turn to Channel 13 and watch a special like algebra and you. that ain't entertainment. that's boring.
I'm telling you this, Falwell, because I know you watch this show, you watch Fctv, and you watch Fridays and 3s Company. You know, you watch everything with sex and violence in it, Which makes me think you're the biggest advocate of sex and violence and Tv in the movies out of everybody, Falwell. every time something nasty or sexual come outside the theaters, I'll be standing on the line, right, to go review a movie, right? I'll be standing on the line. I say, excuse me, don't you work for Jerry Falwell? The guy say, yes, but I'm just screening this movie. yeah, sure, you're screening it. Tell me anything. I'm Black. All I know is that I sat inside the movie to see Deep Throat and watched one of your boys screen the movie seven times in a row, falwell. You can sit in your living room in Utah, wherever you is. I know it's someplace boring, and get mad, and tell your friends Eddie Murphy and Satan's Asian if you want, Because if you do, I tell you, I will fly to Utah or Idaho, wherever you live, and put the majority of my foot in your moral body. In closing, I'd like to say, if you don't want your kids to watch Sex and Drugs and Violence on Tv, do what most Americans do. turn the damn channel. I'm Raheem Abdul Muhammad. Thank you. |
cracked | the_horrifying_true_story_of_st_patrick_s_day | Ha someone forgot to wear green on st. Patty's day this again seriously stupid st. Patty's day Okay, you know, I'm Irish right, you know that we were green today for a reason, you know because St. Patrick's Day is sacred because st. Patrick rid Ireland of vicious snakes because st. Patrick Who's someone st.
Patrick him? He wasn't prepared. I pitched him. This is true My son, have you not prepared fucking? Yeah, I forgot to wear green, but she already got me.
I'm talking about Preparing your immortal soul during Lent for the Holy Week of Easter not What green some color green cheers you I'm a saint Do you have the fear of God in your heart? Are you kind to your brothers and sisters? That's my thing. Okay, that's what cheers me up But green does remind you of the Emerald Isle, right? I was captured by pirates when I was 16 and taken to Ireland in chains to be a slave but because you're so lucky I labored for six years in chattelry before escaping then I returned To spread the word of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Let's not make this a religious thing, but it is a religious thing Yes. Yeah, we celebrate st.
Patrick's sacrifice Alright sort by drinking green beer, which is the only thing he had to survive on by drinking beer Which is the only thing by drinking something that kept him alive for his 40-day quest to Banish snakes from Ireland. No, there are no snakes in Ireland. Damn, right? Great job, Patrick The snakes are an allegory. All right for pagans druids who I banished by Threatening to kill him if they didn't convert to Christianity It's a homily.
Sorry, just it's a workplace. Not everyone shares your views.
That's why we celebrate st. Patrick's Day.
Yes probably yes That's fucked man. That's Fuck Someone yeah, I already okay. This is why I said probably earlier.
Wait, wait, wait There are two of you now. All right. Hi.
I'm glad it is Okay, so Iron Age record-keeping wasn't all it could have been right and you know two Irish Saints first name of P Historians just kind of so you're the one who cast out this I just I just all right if Christ Came to Ireland right and he was like, I love you Ireland I'm kicking all your snakes out. Wouldn't he basically be saying hey rest of the world go fuck yourselves It's a fucking allegory for fucking druids Guys get mad if you want to stay somewhere to kick them out somewhere else, right? Okay, so which one of you is just a stack of leprechauns. Hi Alright, this is clearly a waste of time Green beer party at Francis Assisi's I'm already there brother Wait, did you guys just see how they totally dodged my question? Oh, he's leprechaun. He is absolutely leprechauns Hey Reginald Jones of Akron, Ohio, thanks for being our one two three that number of subscribers Good job Reggie.
I just want you to know that we've made every video we've ever made Not specifically for you, but you know, it's your name So stay subscribed |
cracked | that_bad_movie_accent_makes_more_sense_than_you_know | Example, okay, um, babies, all of them babies. I'm gonna sort it out. I'm Jerome Butler. We're here to talk about my work as a dialect coach in film and television. When it comes to accuracy of accents versus performance, the performance is always more important. You take a movie like Something About Mary, where you have the character who played Mary's British level. Mary! How are you?
And he spends the whole first part of the film, you know, using this British accent, and then when he shows himself to be something that he's not... What happened to your crutches? ...that he's been putting on this British accent. He uses this very over-the-top American accent. Name's Norm.
I live with my folks up in Pompano. It works perfectly because the movie is so bizarre that that sort of thing works. The world that you create is what shapes our perception in large part of the dialect.
No! No, no, not six! I said seven!
The question for me when you're talking about biopics is when is it important for the dialect to be accurate, and when doesn't it matter? I have offended you with my ignorance count. Yes, whatever you do, keep a straight face.
When it comes to biopics, one in recent memory that's really been wonderful to my ear is Ray. Jamie Foxx did an incredible dialect version of Ray Charles. He did a great impersonation of Ray Charles without doing an impersonation because, of course, that never works.
You can't impersonate the person. You have to make it your own. But be close enough to that person to create the illusion for the audience.
And of course, Ray Charles was still alive when it was happening. Everybody knows what Ray Charles sounds like. Everybody knows what Ray Charles sings like.
My voice is very medium range, so I guess it's easy to detect. You have to listen. You go back to LBJ or Nixon. Yeah, we know what they sounded like. America needs a full-time president and a full-time Congress. But in the current world of the viewer... Fine, fine. You made a conclusion there. I stated my view. Now let's move on.
You don't remember so much. We heard a lot of impressions of Nixon. And I think that people's memory of a Nixon impression... Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. ...is more present than the actual voice of Richard Nixon.
My name is Lieutenant Aldo Raine. My name is Inigo Montoya. My name is Bob. Jane is Bob.
I must have missed 60 minutes. What did I say?
I think An Accent tells us a lot about a character. It's interesting when you talk about a movie like 300, because the dialect that Gerard Butler used was kind of a hybrid. Really, it was a light Scottish. It wasn't a heavy Scottish dialect.
But he definitely used rhythms and sounds that he was familiar with. Tonight, we dine in hell! And that Celtic sound, we traditionally associate with manhood. Of course, when you go back to Braveheart, that was perhaps one of the places where the post was placed in the ground in terms of antiquity. And if you were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes.
A historical movie where, you know, we're out of time. The characters wouldn't have been speaking English, but yet they are. So what do we do? But that's where we really had a strong sense of what that connection with the dialect and manliness was sort of forged. What dialect do you use when you're not using the language that would be spoken at the time? So you're already jumping into a conceit of sorts. I worked on a television show called Harley and the Davidsons. And it took place in the early part of the 19th century, and it was Milwaukee. So you have a certain look that the show will have. You have a certain sense of place that comes out in the dialect. My parents say that's what I get for wasting my time with this. And that's a little bit more straightforward, because you're trying to recreate a period that we can kind of put together. When you're looking at a historical movie or a period piece, one of the things that I think that you'll find is that the stronger accents are going to be carried by the older characters and the lighter accents are going to be carried by the younger characters.
What news of the North? Nothing new, Your Majesty.
Look how old you've become. Something far worse has happened to you. If you listen to tapes from the 1970s... America, stop shaving and start grooming. People are a little bit more articulate in terms of their use of consonants. RCA is making television better and better. It's possible that this phenomenon we're talking about is really nothing more than youth fleeing from what came before in whatever way possible.
I just wanted to say a few words about this motion. Ariel, I cannot let this dance happen. I thought this was a party! Let's dance!
Sometimes it may manifest itself by throwing away consonants. I... So we'll see you there. I... Dude, did you just say I? Yeah. I would bet some money if I'd still be around to collect that you will hear a dismissal of I by something which has a stronger consonant attack.
I think that it's possible that this is a shifting tide that just washes back and forth. What do you know? We don't all have the luxury of deciding when and where we want to care about something. Suddenly the rebellion is real for you. Some of us live it. I've been in this fight since I was six years old. What we're dealing with now is that the world has become smaller, more international, and we have become more aware of different cultures. To the degree that you're aware of a situation or a culture, to that degree you are sensitive to whether or not it's being portrayed properly.
If you compare Star Wars, the original, to the prequel, Rogue One, in Star Wars, the British were the Empire. Charming to the last. The Rebels were American, and especially during those dogfights, we very much had American sounds. They're coming in! Three marks at 210! What happens in Rogue One is all of a sudden much more of an international feel. The Force is with me, and I am with the Force. He tends to say whatever comes into his circuit. Because when the characters actually drop into a colloquial sound, it's typically a working class London sound. The last time I saw you, you gave me a knife and loaded blaster and told me to wait in a bunker till daylight. I was struck when they had the dogfight at the end of the movie. All of a sudden, every once in a while you heard American voices. This is gold leader, shouting by.
But this is a different squadron. The American voices are not in this squadron.
The accents are telling us something really, really specific that resonates in this time we live in now. Dialects are time-specific. They're political. Rebellions are built on hope. And they speak into the listening space of the audience who's going to receive them. And that sense of diversity and international crossing, blurring of lines, is going to be something that you're seeing more and more and more.
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cracked | julia_roberts_could_have_been_cast_as_harriet_tubman_movie_what_ifs | I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
Wow! That was uncomfortable for everybody.
Okay, look, before you get mad at me, this young Julia Roberts is Harriet Tubman. I want to make this very, very clear. This was an actual idea, an actual Hollywood executive once actually proposed. Yes, some dude, presumably seconds removed from a dump truck, pouring cocaine right onto his face, suggested the woman, famous for ridding women, and notably being a white woman, would be the perfect woman to portray a woman famous for working on the Underground Railroad. And notably, being not a white woman. I guess they're both American? In recognition of her bravery and skill, we welcome her to as a conductor on the railroad. As long as I have one ass instead of two, I'll wear what I like. See, according to Gregory Alan Howard, the screenwriter for 2019's Harriet, when he was first pitching the movie back in 1994, an unnamed Hollywood executive suggested Julia Roberts. That sounds like something a drunk Confederate general might pose during the Civil War itself.
But 1994 was the same year South Africa finally held its first multiracial elections after the fall of apartheid. We had gushers then. We were supposed to know better, to be better.
Anyway, during the same meeting, the one black executive in the room pointed out that, hey, by the way, Julia Roberts is actually more on the whiter side, and therefore perhaps not the best person to play Harriet Tubman. At which point the first executive responded, that was so long ago. No one is going to know the difference, but I bet they might. And even more surprisingly, 25 years later, the movie's casting still sparked controversy, not because Harriet Tubman was now played by John Cena. Everybody would have been on board with that. But because the woman who did play Tubman, Cynthia Arevo, is British, and therefore not an actual descendant of American slaves. There were some who thought the choice could be disrespectful to black Americans. The director, Casey Lemons, dismissed those complaints as, she itself is an African-American, and also, you know, it's not like they cast Julia Roberts. Seems like a low bar to clear, but thankfully they did. Another weird non-racial Harriet Tubman controversy involves Spider-Man.
And I know what you're thinking, holy shit. Harriet Spider Tubman punching racist in the face sounds amazing. But the actual story is a bit less awesome. See, in certain scenes of the finished movie, Harriet receives visions from God that allow her to see the future and detect when enemies are nearby. If you think I'm exaggerating, the director actually referred to it as Tubman's spidey sense. While Tubman did claim to experience visions, it's probably because she suffered a head injury in her youth. And historians believe she had narcolepsy, epilepsy, or both. So, representing it as a straight-up supernatural ability akin to a teenager who can preemptively sense attacking dudes in rubber goblin mess scenes kind of messed up.
Shame on you.
But wait, there's more. Even more controversy came from the movie, including this dude Gideon, the son of Tubman Slaver, who grows up alongside her and then becomes obsessed with recapturing her after she escapes. Yeah, he doesn't exist. Also, in the movie, he hires a black bounty hunter named Bigger Long, who also didn't exist, meaning the screenwriters came up with the name Bigger Long and decided they were never going to top that. In the final confrontation, Gideon actually kills Long to prevent him from killing Tubman. This was decried as a white savior moment, although it's really more of an only I'm allowed to kill you situation. Still, it's a weird look for Harriet Tubman movie.
Predictably, when word of this scene hit Twitter, it stirred controversy prompting the not my Harriet hashtag. But hey, at least the cast and crew can rest easy knowing that thankful, mercifully, hashtag not my Harriet didn't refer to a film starring Julia Roberts.
Of course, for all we know, they may have worked on it for a while and just changed slavery to weddings and slave catchers to Richard Gere. And oh God, that's probably how we got Runaway Bride. I think there is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.
Not you. Not anymore. |
dropout | streeter_theeter_gunter_granz | Watch this ridiculous... Hey, who is that guy? Is that new German marketing whiz they are? Yeah, hello.
Sorry. I heard what you said about my Germanism and I know it's my first day. No, I'm not trying to burn bridges but it's making me very uncomfortable. I have to go say something to HR. Oh, no. So sorry, I didn't mean to... I'm joking you!
I got you good. Pack assets. Like undergrounds. Take care of it. So is there like a coffee machine around here somewhere? Cranky like Hitler was on my coffee. Firm on the board. Yeah, I think I have a six pack. Knock on, knock on...
Hey, Gunther, what's going on, man? I mean, this is Gunther. He is a marketing whiz from Germany. So that hasn't actually been true Germany since 1945.
But from that area, yes. So did I see what's the bank before? Was that you?
No. Gunther, do you have sushi in Germany? Yeah, sometimes I think there are more sushi houses than there are you didn't left. No, I'm joking. There are not that many sushi pages.
Hey, man, cool it, okay, with that kind of joke, all right? Cool it? Why don't you lighten up? I such a kind but very funny. My kind?
Get in there! Snatch! Tons of dogs on you!
No, joking. The hottest college girl. Yeah, you two are the guys to talk about with that, yeah? Are you doing, like, a banner ad campaign or what is like... Sick the dogs on us? Yeah, in general, I see one right now, I could catch him alive. I'm joking, that was such a long time ago. It wasn't that long ago. You're still not finding this is funny. Tough whom? So we're going at it, right? Oh, bone dry. Not my game over, baby. So does anyone have a contact that's the onion? No. You two guys even see me coming.
No, no, no, no. No more jokes about that kind of stuff, all right? It's offensive. Not just to me, but also to non-Jews, all right? People are talking about it. It's really messed up. You can't joke about stuff like that. Why do you think I make these jokes? It's not a defense mechanism.
You think I'm proud of what my people did? You think I don't wake up every day as a German and have to live with the past, with history, what we did?
We made horrible mistakes. Terrible, terrible tactical mistakes that I haven't given. No, I'm sorry, at least you feel guilty. Wait, what do you mean? Terrible, embarrassing military tactical mistakes.
We are not securing our supply lines. We are losing our source of oil, okay, so our tanks are not even working. Okay, we are opening up a second front in Russia. Okay.
Did we learn nothing from Napoleon? |
cracked | wolverine_was_almost_played_by_mario_the_gladiator_or_danzig_movie_what_ifs | Must have been a bad couple of weeks.
It's hard to imagine Wolverine being portrayed by anything other than Hugh Jackman's rippling abs. But Jackman actually was an X-Men writer, Chris Claremont's first choice to play the character. And no. It's not like Claremont just wanted some other shredded slice of attractive man-meat with luscious blocks growing out of certain parts of his face. See, if Claremont had gotten his way, the role of Logan would have gone to Bob Hoskins. Yes, the man best known to most of us as the schlubby plumber in the Super Mario movie, and the schlubby detective, it who framed Roger Rabbit, was once considered a possible candidate for the world's next great schlubby superhero.
Save me. Don't ever kiss me again.
Now don't get me wrong, Bob Hoskins is a legend and a fantastic actor, but as a rotanda British curmudgeon, not a lot about him screams defender of the free world. But that said, Claremont actually did have some pretty solid reasoning behind wanting to cast Hoskins, other than as some elaborate prank. Claremont really liked Hoskins in the Tom Selleck movie, Lasseter, which is about a jewel thief, even though it sounds like it's about a handsy Pixar executive. Claremont loved how angry Hoskins got in the movie and how he'd shove around big ol' Selleck, even though Selleck is much taller and has way more mustache. After all, Wolverine in the comics is pretty short and pretty angry, whereas Hugh Jackman is 6'3 and loves being in musicals. But realistically, Hoskins wasn't particularly close to donning the mutton chops, because Bryan Singer's first choice was the friggin' gladiator himself, Russell Crowe.
Remember in the early aunts, Crowe was the world's biggest movie star, so much so that when Osama Bin Laden was spitballing fun new ideas to destabilize America, Bin Laden's first thought was kidnapping and assassinating Russell Crowe, who is not an American but is pretty violent, which I guess is an American thing, sort of. Thankfully, a French policewoman caught wind of the plot and alerted the FBI, who in turn warned Crowe that Bin Laden was trying to martyr him out of the zeitgeist. From then on, for several years, the actor didn't attend any awards ceremony or Hollywood party without being accompanied by over a dozen federal agents in disguise. Until 2005, when the FBI told Crowe he was clear of the threat. Which is good, because according to Crowe, I never fully understood what the fuck was going on.
And speaking of not knowing what was going on, and also getting this video back on track, Crowe actually turned down Wolverine, because he didn't want to be known as the wolf guy. See, he'd recently finished filming Gladiator, in which he played a character who had a pet wolf, and a wolf-themed armor, which kind of makes sense. Oh, the pet wolf stuff wasn't in the final cut? Oops. But even then, according to Singer, Crowe was willing to play Wolverine, but only if the character was bald. So maybe, Hoskins wouldn't have been so bad, and Russell Crowe probably would have been fine, if a little too hairless for my taste. But what would have definitely been bad, is if the producers had gone with another off-the-wall choice they were considering.
Misfits singer, Glenn Danzig, best known for having a big-ass pile of bricks in his front yard forever.
Also singing. He got so far along in the process that he apparently even went in and did a reading for the role. Now, in some ways, this also makes sense, right?
Danzig is only five feet four inches, and he's also a huge comic fan. But then you realize Danzig claimed his take on the character would be, quote, less gay than Hugh Jackman's.
And I think we are all going to be much happier, never having to deal with whatever the hell that means. Oh, mother! |
TheOnion | Snakes_In_A_Bag_America_s_Best_Ep_4 | Today we've had the pleasure of meeting some of the most talented Americans on the show so far and we also got to meet this guy Ted Drix Okay, I'm Ted Drix 64 years old been on disability for 25 years since I fell off a roof. So when it would be nice for me I never done nothing like this. So I want to try and do good for the judges. Good luck Ted You're going to need it. These make me look angrier Let the people know I don't like them. Wow, let's get this over with. Yes, very ugly What's your name? I'm Ted Drix. I'm from Cankton, Louisiana It's a little town not much there post office each place I guess that's it. Judging by your age and by your appearance. I don't think you're gonna succeed here today What are you going to fail at for us today?
I got four dead snakes in this here bag, too I killed my backyard and the other two I found like that. I'm taking my show to you I'd be very surprised if you had four dead snakes in that bag I'd be surprised if you had two dead snakes in there a lot of people come in here claiming They have four dead snakes in bags that are a lot nicer than that one Apparently it's four worms in that bag that I could believe. I'm sorry, but you just don't have four snakes in there I'm sorry my sweet nectar, baby I'm getting very impatient with you and your ridiculous snake claims. Look at my eyebrows Can't you tell I'm ready to kill you? This guy's the worst. He hasn't even pulled out one snake yet. This is a huge waste of our time well Anyone can have one snake in a bag Two snakes This guy's pretty good That was amazing You were amazing You have showed us at America's Best the biggest surprise of our life This is why we do this You told us you had four snakes in that bag and I didn't believe you But then you showed us that you did in fact have four snakes in that bag That takes balls, man Thank you for your courage.
Oh, I definitely feel more courageous When you walked in here I thought you were an ugly washed-up piece of shit that didn't have the right to stand before me or even indoor But I was wrong Everything I've known up until this point was wrong. I reserved the right to kill you in the future but for now That was truly Inspirational do we have a yes or a no?
Oh, yes. Absolutely. Yes.
Oh, yeah Congratulations Ted you're going to New York State. I Feel good Wasn't quite sure I had all four snakes with me turns out it did Ted's future and show business is a guaranteed lock And after the break have the judges found America's Best Comedian Stay tuned for more America's Best |
dropout | theme_park_that_s_definitely_safe_and_totally_not_dangerous | With new attractions, the Splash Planet Water Park and Strobe of Genius Nighttime Spectacular, there's more magic than ever at Magic Point Park. And this year, no one's died yet. I'm Sarah, let's go! Since Magic Point Park's grand opening way back in 1963, millions of guests have experienced the magic for themselves, and at least one guest has died every single year until now. Hi Blinky! Here at Magic Point Park, our top priority has always been magic. Safety's also a priority, but not a huge one compared to magic. Careful with that real sword, Captain Fuego! This year, no one's died on any of our attractions, while enjoying any of our parades, or while dining at any of our quick service restaurants.
Frozen dickle whip, yum!
Sure, this year a few folks have sustained serious injuries on Moonshine Mountain. Prohibition's highest-proof peak, but they're resting easy, still very much on life support in our themed community hospital, Floating Hope Harbor.
You can spot them from the Magic Point Express, away by, they won't be able to see you.
My heart! Oh, never mind. Bye now! |
dropout | save_greendale_with_the_cast_of_community | The following was paid for with the budget for Greendale Athletics. Don't tell them. In there, okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Hi, Dean Pelton.
Uh, due to a teensy little attendance problem and a rather tenacious grease fire, Greendale has to close its doors for a few months. But while we're away, we hope you won't forget all the great things Greendale has to offer. Wi-Fi enabled, handicap accessible, raccoon free. With your support, Greendale could be all of these things by the end of 2014.
Sure, some people call Greendale a fifth rate safety school. What would you rather go to? A danger school? That doesn't sound cool at all. Greendale currently maintains the world's largest collection of water damaged national geographics. Beat that, Dartmouth.
Greendale provides valuable services to the community, such as overflow parking for the mosques next door. If Greendale doesn't reopen, you'll miss our spring spectacular featuring appearances by this picture of Louis Guzman and this sea synthesis from Re- It would actually cost the city more to tear Greendale down than to keep it right. Is a fact that if true would really help us out. Pop, pop! Greendale has a long tradition of sheltering the homeless.
We're too scared to ask him to go anywhere else. Oh, hello! I met Ted Danson at a Chili's once. He was unpleasant. So come back and see us soon.
We know the Greendale experience is one you'll never forget. The Greendale experience. Because we're not legally allowed to call it an education. |
cracked | 5_mistakes_in_ant_man_and_the_wasp_quantumania_cinemistakes | What's up, you guys? You already know who it is. It's your boy, Steven, from Cinema Sticks, the show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely skewer them, okay? We burn to the ground. Now, you might be thinking, why the hell should I listen to this guy?
Okay, I hold the world record for most one-star reviews left on Letterbox. I've had my AMC Stubbs membership revoked three times. I'm currently involved in a lawsuit with Regal Cinemas for undisclosed reasons.
And that means I ain't telling you shit. I hate to do this to you, Kevin Feige, but today, we're putting Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantum Mania on the skewers kit. Oh, no. Oh, you can't skewer Ant-Man and the Wasp? I don't care about the haters. I don't care if people tell me that I can't do, I can't skewer certain movies.
I'm doing it anyway. I'm burning them down.
First of all, he's got way too much clothes on in this movie. He's got a tunic. He's got a suit. He's got all this stuff on.
It takes me out of it. When you see a bad guy, you're not supposed to think about your place on the spectrum of sexuality. You're not supposed to question things. Bad guy is supposed to be ugly and wrong and bad. Good guy is supposed to be hot and six-pack abs and oiled up. Plot hole identified. I don't like my mind being messed with. It doesn't make any sense. Number two, the father and daughter relationship in this film is completely unrealistic. The first part, I completely understand.
He's gone. He's away. The kid has no contact with him.
But then you try to tell me that he's back now and he wants to be in her life. He wants to go to her football games and like play catch with her and pick her up from school.
I don't believe that. I understood the first part where he's gone for a long time. That's all I know. That makes sense to me. But now you're telling me that he's trying to be her friend.
A dad should be hanging out with his new family in Tampa, Florida that are tall sons and not with his old son. Plot hole identified. This dad is not realistic. This is not what dads do. Is that your experience with your dad?
I mean, yeah, Dave, you mean? The third thing that's wrong with Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantum Mania is this. All right, look, this is an advanced civilization. Technology out the freaking yin-yang.
They go to a bar. Okay, spoiler alert. They go to a bar in the movie. You're telling me with all this technology, they go to a bar.
There are no talking gorillas, no alligator pawns, no wild bunch, no cha-cha, the tree frog.
You're telling me... Sorry, are you talking about the Rainforest Cafe? Yes, of course I'm talking about the Rainforest Cafe.
It's a pinnacle of modern dining. It's a marvel of the free world. It's the only place that I feel safe in the world. And it's the last place that I hung out with my dad.
Anyways, you're telling me the technologically advanced civilization like that hasn't figured out the Rainforest Cafe. And if they did, the main characters in the movie wouldn't go there? Unrealistic. Plot hole identified. No Rainforest Cafe.
The fourth reason why this movie makes absolutely no sense at all is that Ant-Man kicks ass in this movie. Reality check, heroes get their ass beat everywhere they go. I consider myself a hero. Ant-Man's kicking ass in this movie and he's the hero and I'm a hero too, but somehow I'm getting my ass kicked all the time? Tell me how that makes sense. I'm a green belt in Krav Maga and I never won a single fight. Every single place I go, I somehow end up saying the wrong thing and I get my ass beat. I could be at an Applebee's, I could be at a Cracker Barrel, or I could be at the matinee's showing of Puss in Boots at a Regal Cinemas. Alright? And I'll get my ass beat by somebody, I just said the wrong thing. Is that why you're not allowed at Regal Cinemas? But I don't pay you to ask stuff like that and I'm not supposed to talk about it. Anyways, plot hole identified. Heroes are supposed to get their ass beat everywhere they go by strangers.
And last but not least, the fifth reason why this movie makes absolutely no sense is all the shrinking, okay? The shrinking and getting taller. People need to stay the same size. Someone that can be tall cannot be short and someone that can be short cannot be tall. This makes no sense. It's almost as if in this movie height is just a matter of perspective. Height is a mental thing. You can decide to be tall. You can decide to be short. And for us short guys, that doesn't make any sense.
You're not that short. You're like 6'6", 6'1", or something like that. Oh wait, no. I'm actually... Wait, you think I'm 6'1"? No, well I am 6'1", actually. Yeah, well, you know, so... Yeah, like, I'm 6'1". I am 6'1", actually. I'm 6'1 and a half, almost 6'2". Even though it says 5'8 on my driver's license, I am mentally 6'1 and a half, almost 6'2".
And actually, you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, this movie makes a really good point. Mentally, I've always known that I'm 6'1", 6'2", like Ant-Man. He knows he can be small or tall or whatever. And so this movie, actually, you know what? Actually, this movie is pretty goddamn inspiring.
I thought we were putting this on the skewer stick. What are you talking about? I would never say that. Yeah, that's what you hired. You said, hey, we're putting this movie on the skewer stick. I never said that. I never said it's going on the skewer stick.
You're lying right now. You know what? You would be Martin Scorsese. Maybe you'd be Martin Scorsese right now if you would stop lying so much. I've changed my mind, officially.
Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantum Mania is an incredibly empowering film. And I think it might actually be one of the best movies ever made, most inspiring movies I've ever seen. And I'm giving it 4 out of 5 stars. I would give it 5 stars if it had a Rainforest Cafe, but it doesn't. So it's getting 4.5 stars. Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantum Mania, 4.5 stars.
Thank you, Spider-Man. Alright, that's it for today, guys. Come back soon for another episode of Cinema Stakes. Yeah, and they're getting skewered. |
cracked | the_3_worst_lessons_hiding_in_children_s_movies_after_hours | Gross not trying to be controversial. I have done the research. This can't be what we talk about tonight 18 to 24 You know they used to be my favorite number range Stage window.
I like to have sex at gross It takes 18 to 24 domestic cats or dogs to make a standard size for a coat who quoted Cruella de Vil at 99 Dogs for a single coat get a new coat guy bruh. That's a kids movie I doubt anyone dug into how is this about 101 dalmatians cruella wasn't trying to make a single coat She wanted to wait for the puppies to grow up to full age so she had more fur for more coats But she felt the police closing in on her so she ordered horse and Jasper to murder and skin the puppies Settling for what she estimated to be about half a dozen coats Her estimation was off a little bit, but still end of the day net net That's all profit because she didn't have to pay for the puppies because she stole the puppies Get a different research guy, bro gross But that does remind me I Aside from the fact that Dan and Katie have clearly both independently been researching 101 dalmatians And how much puppy fur it takes to make a coat There's some weird things happening in the Dalmatians universe the fact that dogs can talk the fact that Anita and Cruella are supposed to be schoolmates Even though Anita is a regular age person and quela is obviously a thousand-year-old mantis. Yeah I mean sort of I want to talk specifically about what the movie is saying to kids I needed Cruella both went to the same school and had similar opportunities But Cruella became rich because apparently owning fur in that world makes you wealthy Meanwhile Roger is a failed songwriter throughout most of the movie Even when it's just the two of them and the two dogs They are poor as shit and then they get 15 puppies and they even have a conversation about how they don't know how they're gonna Deal with the added expense, but then Cruella saunters onto the scene and she can solve all their problems, right? She offers to write a check for literally any amount of money to take those dogs off their hands But she's bad saurin. She's got cruel right in the name. Yeah, we know that and devil Yeah, we know that now, but that's such a bizarre lesson to give to kids I need and Roger take on the added responsibility of 15 dogs and they can barely afford to feed themselves You can't possibly afford to keep them You can scarcely afford to feed yourselves and they win and then at the end of the movie you take on even more dogs And they still get a happily ever after I'm sure we'll get along What kind of lesson is that for children apart from don't trust people named cruel a devil 101 Dalmatians?
Teaches kids to ignore their fiduciary responsibilities. I'm not saying the dog should have been skin I'm just saying that the movie should have rewarded the parents for more than just blind luck It's it's training an entire generation to believe that eventually their problems will just solve themselves Quilla didn't lock into her fortune. She worked hard and made sound investments But the movie is very adamant that that is the wrong approach and you think that's the worst lesson the children's movies teach us Tone suggests that maybe have something that Trump's that's or if he was to say yes more points for soaring kids movies have been literally shitting on step parents for years. I think you mean figuratively Hope and I think you're talking about evil stepmothers That's the only kind we get Cinderella enchanted Snow White the antagonists oral indisputably evil stepmothers Can anybody name one famous children's movie with an evil stepdad? I can't that either means that one doesn't exist or my brain is too full of memories of my rich and active social life Make room for trivia. It's probably the first one Disney has taught generations of children that stepmothers are Inherently evil any movie that has a stepdad in it any movie always has a scene at the beginning where the kids like You're not my real dad and then a scene at the end where he's like, you know what? I Love you real dad, but if it's a stepmom movie usually ends with boy, I'm glad she's dead yeah, well the stepmother sometimes end up being dragon monsters, so that feels like a Good lesson, but why shit on step parents at all? We are living in a world with an increasing number of step families and to begin with we should be celebrating the idea of step families You know, it's not easy to just slide into a pre-existing family with its own emotional baggage It is hard and brave and every stepmom faces an uphill climb as new mom. But see that's why it's a good lesson, right? It's preparing future stepmoms for the tough road ahead It's saying hey if you're gonna choose to be a step parent It's probably gonna be really hard all the more reason to soften the blow No, give us some examples of things working out I mean name me one movie about a stepmom where at the end everything is alright for the stepmom All right, I heard it as soon as it came out of my mouth fine But I stand by it the point of this was to point out harsh lessons in children's movies not wrong ones I just think it's weird that we're teaching kids that being a stepmom is a tough road But not the toughest the lessons contained in Looney Tunes are way worse than all of this I'm sure we all have our favorite Looney Tunes character Yeah, Marv the Martian me watching the show when I was a kid while the coyote But that's not important even if we all have our favorites Bugs Bunny is the show's protagonist He is the face of the franchise.
He's the star who always comes out on top He is Looney Tunes version of a winner my version of a winner too. He's the guy cuz he wins, okay? But what are his skills? He's not a hard worker. He's not a thinker He is just from jump the best with all the vagueness that that implies all of the winners in Looney Tunes are that's right I mean we never see the good guys work hard and yet they always come out ahead Sylvester is always planning these elaborate schemes and traps for Tweety and then they always magically backfire Elmer Fudd plays by the rules follows the frankly simplistic hunting laws and he still loses Wylie Coyote is a super genius He spends all this time building and working hard and innovating just to catch Roadrunner to eat to fulfill a basic Instinctual need but he still loses every coyote verse road or cartoon features two things coyote working elaborately and deliberately on some plan And that thing he did backfiring.
So what's the lesson there? Don't work hard. Don't go after the thing you want. Don't try Yeah, it's kind of a bummer. I mean all the Looney Tunes winners Roadrunner bugs speedy They're just inherently lucky and the antagonist Sylvester and Fudd They're just dummies We're supposed to laugh at unless they all got speech impediments Looney Tunes is like a cyber bully but real no it teaches kids that no matter how hard you try it There's still the chance that you'll be up against somebody who is just naturally better than you. That's just that's real life You can try all you want, but you still might lose History is bloated with examples of people who tried really really hard and then lost out to somebody more magnetic I know it's real.
Do we actually need a show that teaches kids that yeah the Hunger Games Harry Potter Star Wars all the major franchises are built around telling kids. Hey, you want to hear a secret?
You are the one you are the most special and important person in the universe You know, I know he's just making a point. But when he says it like that, I really feel special Movies tell kids that they're just magically gifted but the Looney Tunes They teach kids about the real world and the real world is not always fair. You're not special. You're not the one You can work hard and still lose and that they're there. They're there.
That's all Marvin the Martian really I like his tiny hat and his nothing face I thought it was a really sharp move that they made him the referee in space Jim because he's Looney tune He's also from outer space. So He's got ties to both sides of this basketball game so you can trust that he's gonna be impartial It's uh, it's subtle but it's sharp. How do you end up with a Spartan helmet in the first place? I think he can sort of Observe earth and pick and choose the fashion things that he likes and he picked metal kilt and Roman centurion helmet I'm assuming in high tops and high time.
I was assuming he knows something that we don't Cruella didn't want to make a single quote And they still get the happily ever after what well, why would would you teach kids that Anita and Leonard I know. Okay, and I'm not saying that the dogs should have been skin I'm just saying the movie should have Okay, do we really need a show that teaches kids that yes Cool and had similar opportunities, but Cruella became rich because apparently owning fur in that world makes you wealthy Meanwhile Roger is a failed songwriter throughout most of the movie Even when it's just the two of them and the two dogs They are poor as shit and then they get 15 puppies and they even have a conversation about how they don't know how they're gonna Deal with the added expense, but then Cruella saunters onto the scene and she can solve all their problems, right? She offers to write a check for literally any amount of money to take those dogs off their hands, but she's bad Soren she's got cruel right in the name. Yeah, we know that and devil Yeah, we know that now But that's such a bizarre lesson to give to kids Anita and Roger take on the added responsibility of 15 dogs and they can barely Afford to feed themselves. You can't possibly afford to keep them You can scarcely afford to feed yourselves and they win and then at the end of the movie you take on even more dogs and they Still get a happily ever after I'm sure we'll get along What kind of lesson is that for children apart from don't trust people named cruel a devil 101 Dalmatians teaches kids to ignore their fiduciary Responsibilities. I'm not saying the dog should have been skinned I'm just saying that the movie should have rewarded the parents for more than just blind luck It's it's training an entire generation to believe that eventually their problems will just solve themselves Quilla didn't lock into her fortune She worked hard and made sound investments But the movie is very adamant that that is the wrong approach and you think that's the worst lesson the children's movies teach us well Tone suggests that maybe have something that Trump's that's or if he was to say yes more points for sore Kids movies have been literally shitting on step parents for years.
I think you mean figuratively Hope and I think they're talking about evil stepmothers. That's the only kind we get Cinderella Enchanted Snow White the antagonists oral indisputably evil stepmothers Can anybody name one famous children's movie with an evil stepdad?
I? Can't that either means that one doesn't exist or my brain is too full of memories of my rich and active social life Make room for trivia.
It's probably the first one Disney has taught generations of children that stepmothers are inherently evil any movie that has a Stepdad in it any movie always has a scene at the beginning where the kids like you're not my real dad And then a scene at the end where he's like you know what I? Love you real dad, but if it's a stepmom movie usually ends with boy. I'm glad she's dead yeah, well the stepmothers sometimes end up being dragon monsters, so that feels like a Good lesson, but why shit on step parents at all? We are living in a world with an increasing number of step families and to begin with we should be celebrating The idea of step families you know it's not easy to just slide into a pre-existing family with its own emotional baggage It is hard and brave and every stepmom faces an uphill climb as new mom But see that's why it's a good lesson right it's preparing future stepmoms for the tough road ahead It's saying hey if you're gonna choose to be a step parent It's probably gonna be really hard all the more reason to soften the blow no give us some Examples of things working out. I mean name me one movie about a stepmom where at the end everything is alright for the stepmom All right I heard it as soon as it came out of my mouth fine But I stand by it the point of this was to point out harsh lessons in children's movies not wrong ones I just think it's weird that we're teaching kids that being a stepmom is a tough road But not the toughest the lessons contained in Looney Tunes are way worse than all of this I'm sure we all have our favorite Looney Tunes character.
Yeah, I think Marvin the Martian me watching the show when I was a kid Why like Coyote, but that's not important even if we all have our favorites Bugs Bunny is the show's protagonist He is the face of the franchise. He's the star who always comes out on top He is Looney Tunes version of a winner my version of a winner too. He's the guy cuz he wins, okay But what are his skills? He's not a hard worker. He's not a thinker He is just from jump the best with all the vagueness that that implies all of the winners in Looney Tunes are That's right. I mean, we never see the good guys work hard and yet they always come out ahead Sylvester is always planning these elaborate schemes and traps for Tweety and then they always magically backfire Elmer Fudd plays by the rules follows the frankly simplistic hunting laws and he still loses Riley Coyote is a super genius He spends all this time building and working hard and innovating just to catch Roadrunner to eat to fulfill a basic Instinctual need but he still loses every coyote verse road or cartoon features two things coyote working elaborately and deliberately on some plan and That thing he did backfiring.
So what's the lesson there? Don't work hard. Don't go after the thing you want. Don't try Yeah, it's kind of a bummer.
I mean all the Looney Tunes winners Roadrunner Bugs Speedy They're just inherently lucky and the antagonist Sylvester and Fudd. They're just Dummies we're supposed to laugh at unless they all got speech impediments Looney Tunes is like a cyber bully but real no it teaches kids that no matter how hard you try it There's still the chance that you'll be up against somebody who is just naturally better than you That's just that's real life You can try all you want but you still might lose History is bloated with examples of people who tried really really hard and then lost out to somebody more magnetic I know it's real do we actually need a show that teaches kids that Yeah, the Hunger Games Harry Potter Star Wars all the major franchises are built around telling kids Hey, you want to hear a secret? You are the one you are the most special and important person in the universe You know, I know he's just making a point. But when he says it like that, I really feel special Movies tell kids that they're just magically gifted But the Looney Tunes they teach kids about the real world and the real world is not always fair You're not special. You're not the one you can work hard and still lose and that they're there That's all Marvin the Martian really I like his tiny hat and his nothing face I thought it was a really sharp move that they made him the referee in space jam because he's Looney tune We also from outer space so It got ties to both sides of this basketball game so you can trust that he's gonna be impartial It's uh, it's subtle, but it's sharp.
How do you end up with a Spartan helmet in the first place? I think you can sort of Observe earth and pick and choose the fashion things that he likes and he picked metal kilt and Roman centurion helmet I'm assuming he tops and I'm assuming he knows something that we don't are we talking about 101 Dalmatians?
Cruella didn't want to make a single quote And they still get the happily ever after what well, why would you teach kids that Anita and Leonard I Know okay, and I'm not saying that the dogs should have been skin I'm just saying the movie should have rewind. Okay. Do we really need a show that teaches kids that yes |
dropout | the_handjob_sketch_the_britishes | For your dinner with Lord Poodle, I thought this grey rep striped tie is very good. And in honor of St. Swithin's Day, these turtle leather loafers.
Fine. Probably almost finished. And finally, your daily stimulation.
You know, the facture, I've been thinking that perhaps some of these old traditions aren't strictly necessary. Every lord requires release. Yes, of course, of course, but why must you do it? Would you rather a common stableboy? We haven't, no. I could do it.
My lord, noble hands are too delicate and lily white for such common work. No, from now on, I will deal with this matter myself. My lordship, the fetchers have serviced the British's for generations.
My father died at his post, aged seventy-five. His arthritic hands wrapped about your father's noble knob. His eyes, filled with tears of joy, hair, bedewed with pearly jism.
Please, this is my calling. Do not rob me of it.
You have been doing this since I was twelve years old. And you were twenty-three.
We are entering the modern era, Fetcher. The aristocracy must learn to stimulate itself.
Very well. Billiam. Sir? Pack your things. Lord British no longer requires that you cradle his scrotum. How will I look my father in the eye? Agatham. Aye, sir.
You'll have to find another noble's nipples to tickle in the bath. But there's no call for nipple ticklers with the war on, and it's the only skin I have.
I am sorry.
His lordship has decided that he is independent. No one knows the best, I suppose. This work may seem dispensable to you, but for your working class countryman, it has dignity. Or what is it to be English without duty?
Billiam? Agatham?
It would be my pleasure to be pleasured by you. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_and_biden_visit_southern_border_mcconnell_to_step_down_snl | President Biden visited the Southern Border on Thursday and was horrified to discover it is being swarmed by criminals and rapists. that's right. both Biden and Trump coincidentally visited the border on the same day, which sounds like the setup for the weirdest rom-com of all time. My favorite part of the visit was when Trump, who looks good behind bars, by the way, finally came face-to-face with his sworn enemies, the migrants, and he had a pretty harsh message for them. take a look. they like Trump. could you believe it? No, I can't believe it. the migrants don't like you. they just walked a thousand miles to get to edge of this river, and they're probably thinking, is that weirdo in a Trump costume waving us into the country?
Mitch Mcconnell, seen here catching up on news from the Middle East, announced that he will step down as the Republican Leader in the Senate, with many saying the main reason is his bad relationship with Donald Trump. But come on, just because you hate somebody doesn't mean you can't still have a very successful working relationship with him. I almost feel like that was about me. Mitch Mcconnell, Mitch Mcconnell, seen here walking out of a theater after watching 12 Years A Slave, announced he will step down in November. he'll be replaced by the current number two Republican in the Senate, a frozen embryo holding an assault rifle. Mitch Mcconnell, seen here after rearranging a blind woman's furniture, gave a moving speech on the Senate floor announcing his retirement, which honestly made me start to admire Mitch Mcconnell, seen here watching a single mother sell her blood for diaper money. Mrs. Senate Republican Senator Cindy Hyde-smith blocked a bill that would protect access to in vitro fertilization. Because, as they say in Mississippi, if you're having trouble conceiving, just try with a different cousin. After Nikki Haley's poor showing in Michigan, pressure is mounting for her to drop out of the race, but mostly because the dishes are piling up at home. Thank you, thank you, thank you. President Biden went to Walter Reed Medical Center for his annual physical. doctors said Biden was fit as a fiddle, in that he's old-timey and held together by strings. In an interview, Senator Mitt Romney said that he will not vote for Donald Trump over Joe Biden. Now, some of you may remember Mitt Romney. |
dropout | The_Petty_Civil_Rights_Leader | What's up, motherfuckers? Welcome to the ZH Podcast. I am your host, Ally Beardsley.
It should have been Raph. We all agree. No. No one agreed that. He's chatterbug number one. No one agreed that.
Something a lot of people- You're moving your chair. You're moving your chair nonstop.
I can't do that? You did it before me. They said don't do it. I can't do it? We all thought it was going to be me.
We're off to a great start here in the ZH office. Oh, this is 200,000 people in the ZH offices, but one thing we can all agree on is that, Raph talks nonstop.
He's always in with the hot goss. He's always like, pssst, Ally. When I'm trying to work, telling secrets.
Do we ... Have we introduced everyone? We're going right into the banter. We're going right into the banter, honey.
Yeah, you know, fine. Maybe you should host it. How about that, buddy?
Today, we have two people joining us who you've definitely seen on camera also, but not as much. Let's start with you, who are you?
I'm Marissa High, and I am a post supervisor. Oh, I already fucked up, my bad. And sometimes director. Now, if I was straight off the street and I didn't know what post supervise, I almost said fresh off the boat, and we all heard it. We all heard me mentally juggle with the fact that that's not what I say. If I didn't know what a post supervisor was, what would you, what is that? Okay, the way that I would describe post supervising, I manage the editors, I make sure that we meet our deadlines, I hit up freelancers, yeah, stuff like that.
So you're kind of in charge of when people are editing all the sketches and stuff. Do you see all the sketches before they're out?
Are you like final approval? Wow. You know I'm not final approval. You're like, I mean, Trap and Rekha, right? Yes.
How does that work? I know we're still introducing everyone, what is the chain of command there? You actually have a lot of questions. Why? Honestly, I got an ax to grind, okay?
Because a couple of my sketches have gone missing, never made it to the London day. So it would be you, then the writer gives notes.
Director. But when you're directing, it would be you.
Oh, yeah, okay. And then it's the writer. The editors will just, a lot of times the editors usually pull me over before they send it to directors, and they're just like, what do you think? Oh, cool. Sometimes I have time to give them, like, yeah, and most of the time I'm just like, looks great, let's go, we gotta give you our deadline. You have like eight or nine sketches backed up, and you're like, I'm sure they're fine. We'll catch it in another loop. So, wait, editor? Yeah. Director. Writer. Oh, it's not me, yeah.
Did you just say Raph? No matter who wrote the sketch, Ben Raph gets part of the book.
His notes are hard. He says he's written back to the drawing board online, a number of times. That's funny, because Raph actually leaves probably the least amount of notes. The least amount of notes?
Yeah, yeah, I'm just like you. Just a bunch of smiley faces.
I'm not like that usually when I direct something, but if it's like the editors doing their thing, I want the director to put their opinion on it. Yeah, yeah, okay. And the directors don't sit in, they don't session with the editors? Sometimes. Depends on the schedule.
That's what I thought. That's what I thought all of them did. I thought they were all, oh.
If it's a really tight schedule, I'll message the director and be like, hey, we need this to be done within a day, so can you just come in and session the thing?
It's rough, it's hard. It is, it sucks. I was giving notes while I was on UTG doing 16 hour days. Wow. It sucks. That's crazy.
Guys, comedy is pain. Comedy is pain.
Also, by the way, who are you? Joining us also today, another director. And producer. Don't bump your mic, but guide us throughout your introductions. Part time director.
Yes. I'm Jessie. Hi. Did you wait for an applause? I just looked at the camera. I'm Jessie. Yes, she is. Can we add a little applause later, please? I wish. They know who I am. And they're applauding wherever they are. Come on. No. They do. I'm casually in sketches. Yeah, yeah.
You're in sketches. Everybody's in sketches. I think I'm probably the least in here. Everyone is in sketches.
I'm not really in stuff. That's not a complaint, by the way. Please don't lie. I'm gonna put you front and center in the next one I write. I don't have time. Obviously, I'm right here.
You've been a police officer like three times. Yeah, a police officer once.
Oh. Well, you were definitely, it was in my sketch then. It was just, I was a very memorable cop. I produced that once. Really? The one where Marissa was a Blue Lives Matter cop. Whoa. I don't want that out there. I'm sorry. I just remember this catch clearly. This is live. This is live to tape. No editors to save you now. Yeah. Seriously.
This is straight to tape, Marissa. Marissa, what did you do this weekend?
Yeah, we have an interview. Let's hop in. Who are you down there? My name is Rafael Chestay. Do we do the chyrons for me? I think so. Hola.
Are you having a good time? I'm having a good time.
Are you hablas espanol? What? Do you? Necesito practicar espanol. Si.
Someone's on the Slack Spanish channel. Is there a Spanish channel?
There is. Wow. Where you just speak Spanish? Yeah. Is Brendan on there? Yes, he started there. I would believe it.
Brendan wants to get better at Spanish, but he doesn't want to force people to practice with him. He doesn't have time either. He's not on there. He doesn't have time. He's just using Duolingo.
He started it and was like, let's do it Wednesday. And he's like, I can't do Wednesday.
Oh, it's a group. I thought it was just a channel where you guys chat in Spanish. It was a channel because we were going to meet up. And then we just. So it all speaks Spanish together? And get dinner together. Honestly, that's pure. It was going to be after work and just speak Spanish. And then it never happened. That's so sweet. Do you guys remember how almost maybe half of the candidates in the debates just tried to speak Spanish truly out of nowhere?
Just like you did. Exactly. Yeah, fully.
They were like, immigration. Immigration es nunca.
And he's like, what the fuck? I think Beto thought. And you can see the people on stage who did speak Spanish. Looking at them like. Literally, the moderator was like, true speaking Spanish to them. And just being like, OK, this too shall pass. I think Beto thought that it would be endearing to watch him struggle through it. Like, oh, he's trying. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, but it wasn't. But it wasn't.
It was just really ignorant. It was so cringy and so ignorant.
It felt like he was grabbing for votes. Yes. Yes, he clearly was. It was like, I'm trying to get you. He clearly was. Literally, everyone on that stage was doing that. I don't know what you guys are doing. Yeah, but then everyone proceeded to do it. Straight up who he was trying to target, you knew. Right, he was trying to take votes from Castro. He was basically competing with Castro, it felt like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, well, someone tweeted something really funny that Beto seems like a late in the series The Office character. That's actually like season six.
I forget what the cosplay was. But anyway, he's not the only one who did that. A lot of people just out of nowhere started.
Cory Booker started speaking horrible Spanish with a lot of pauses. You could drive a train through each pause. Did they just Google it and not have anyone who actually spoke Spanish tell them how to pronounce it?
Honestly, unfortunately, they rehearsed it. There's not a world where they just decided to do that. That was a rehearsed bit. The way that they said it was like they just Googled it and were reading it off of a slip of paper.
It was a straight up chorf, if you ask me. That was a chorf. That was a chorf and a half.
What happened with your weekend? I went to the spa this weekend.
Where? Which one? Glen Ivy, have you heard of it? It's an adult spa theme park. Where is it? What?
Theme park. I don't think it's called a theme park. I call it a theme park.
Is it OK for me to say that? That is OK.
It looks like if you see a map of it, she showed me on Friday. It does look like a theme park. Where was this?
Corona. You drove all the way to Corona? I'm from basically Corona, so that's very funny.
How far is that? Like an hour and a half? Yeah, an hour and a half. Everything far is an hour and a half.
Yeah. But it works. It's like an hour and a half from Mexico. I don't think it's worth it.
What did you do there? What was your favorite part? Well, my favorite part, which isn't even about really the spa, it was for my friend's birthday.
And me and my other friend, we kept calling them to try and get admission, because you have to pay to get in and reserve it ahead of time. And we didn't. And we were like, oh, let's just do a walk-in. And then we drove up, and the lady in the parking lot was like, they're sold out. You guys need to leave. And I told my friend, I was like, I'm not leaving. We just drove an hour and a half. So I just parked the car, and I was like, pretend that we just know what we're doing.
And then we just followed the line, and the lady behind us was like, I'm so glad we got reservations. It's sold out. And I was like, yeah. And then I went up to the counter, and I told the lady, I was like, we don't have reservations. But I was like, could we reserve it for next month, just being really confident and sorry about it? And then she was like, oh, I actually have a reservation. Reservation's open. And I was like, cool.
That's crazy. How do you play very confident and also very sorry? My friend and I had a backup plan. We were like, if we don't get him, we'll just go get brunch. OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that's very like, when you resign yourself to the worst outcome, that's the way to live. You need to be able to walk away from the table. You've got to be. You have to have the confidence of being OK.
It's very Kierkegaardian. Is it really? Yeah. That's what fear and trembling is all about. I'm not joking. It's all about, you know, anyway, whatever. Yeah. It's like when you're haggling with someone at like some sort of like thrift store or something. Right.
You need to be able to walk away. And then you just say, I'll walk away.
And then they're like, oh, no, actually, $15 is what I want. Yeah. Yep. And they're like, please take these.
I hope I didn't get that lady in trouble. She was in trouble. You did. She was fired the next day.
I feel bad because I'm sure they're so just going to listen and be like, or I don't know. Maybe some reclining.
Wait, I need to know what makes us a better spa than all of the LA spas.
OK. You don't have to be naked. Yeah. Oh, that's probably big. I mean, I prefer being naked, to be honest. Yeah. But it's outside.
They have bartenders that just come up to you while you're lounging in the pool.
There's a mud bath. There's a sulfur bath. There's a sailing bath. There's a Roman bath. What is a Roman bath? There's a hot, cold bath. It's just like you're in a Roman bathhouse.
That one actually has no like benefits.
It's just themed. It's just a themed. It's just themed.
You have like health benefits. That one, they're just like, you feel like you're Roman.
Oh my god. That's crazy. Wait a minute.
Is that what a theme park is? No. Because it has a theme? And it's a park? Yes. I think you're onto something. Come on, man.
I think the theme of this park was spa. So the theme of the park next to my house is hot Cheeto wrappers.
And it's gorgeous. That's amazing.
Did you have to pay extra for each little thing? No. You have to pay extra, though, to go get a massage.
Yeah, same with all the spas. And like facials. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And like they had free sound healing, which I did not do. I've never done sound healing.
Have you done it before? Yeah, I've done it. Yeah. Like a sound bath. I'm not surprised. It didn't work, but it was like relaxing. Can you explain what it is? Oh, then it worked. So you, yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess. It's good work, but I felt really relaxed and calm. Have you ever done one of these?
No. It's not.
It's like, so they play music, and it's just supposed to be like the frequencies are washing over you. But essentially, you're like lying down in the dark in a cool room. Like I could do that anywhere and be like, I'm more relaxed. Right, right, right. But you pay more money for it.
Yeah, I don't know if it's supposed to be. I don't know.
I ate an edible, so that definitely worked. That was the part that worked. Maybe you were relaxed because of that. Yeah, yeah. I was like, cool. This THC is kicking in, not like weird Bon Iver remix that they're playing over me. They had an aqua fit class for free.
Did you do it? I was late. What does that mean?
Is that where women like dance in the pool? It's like a fire up. It's like a person outside. There's like a pool just for like doing the weird classes kind of. That's still at water. But then they open it up and you can just swim for a while and then they're like, class is starting. I like it. But there was like a lady just like in front of the pool going like, OK.
Just like straight out of the movie. And it was mostly just like old ladies.
But you did it? You came late, but you did it? No.
I came late and I watched. Interesting. There's so many other things to do there. Why did you decide to watch? I watched because I was laying.
You lay in the sun. I got, you know, you like get there and you're like, oh, I want to get some sun tan while I'm here. Do I look tanner at all? Every spot I've been to has been indoors. You do glow, I would say.
Yeah, because most spies are like Korean spies. Yeah. So you go to Korean spies. I've never been in. You go to a lot of Korean spies.
See, I would like to go with people from the office. So this one sounds like a better option because I feel weird about taking off my clothes in front of my car. Yes, definitely. Let's all meet there.
And then it's like, interesting. When I went to Japan, I went with Caroline when she was working here. And we went to an onsen. And I had the thought like, we work together. Is this weird that we're going to an onsen? And then I was like, bleh.
It really wasn't weird. It's almost weirder if you back out last minute. If it's in motion, you just got to get naked. But if you're like, oh, never mind, then that's more weird. You have your pants heft down. I don't want to do that.
Actually, we work together. And then it's like, oh, god, we do work together.
This is crossing a line all of a sudden. I see some signals.
Should we move right into our first game of Chorf? Let's do it. Chorf. Oh, no, don't show it. Oh, I see. All right, who wants to lead Chorf? For those of you at home who are playing along, we're about to play a game called Chorf.
And Jessie's going to tell you exactly how it works. Thank you, Ally. Whoa, you just. That was a power play, and I like it.
I just get naked.
Don't back out. You can't back out. It's a sign of weakness. So this is a game called Chorf, which Ally mentioned.
In each round of this game, one person will sit out by closing their eyes and covering their ears. Do you want to show how that looks? How to cover your eyes and close your ears?
Yes. I'm going to do it like this. OK, cool. That's great. OK, moving on. That's really great.
Then the rest of us will draw a card and see the word or phrase that's on it. This word will be a verb or action. Once the three of us know the word, the last person uncovers their eyes and ears and becomes the guesser. It's in quotes, so I had to do it. They have to ask us questions to narrow down what the secret word is. But because they won't know the word, you can stop doing that.
Thank you for showing it. You don't have to do that anymore. Thank you for showing it.
Did you guys get it? No, not yet. We haven't done it yet.
Let's play. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me just roll back a little.
They have to ask questions to narrow down then what the secret word is. But because they won't know the word, they'll substitute the made up verb chorfing.
Chorfing. I thought it was chorfing. Chorfing.
I have a hard time saying that. Into their questions. For example, they may ask, when is the last time you chorfed? Or would it be OK for me to chorf right now?
The round ends after the guesser has made up their guesses. Has made their guesses.
All right, let's start with rough. I think we should be first to guess. I think so, yeah.
So you do what you were doing so well earlier. Use hair products. For those of you at home, it's use hair product. Use. That was really loud. Product.
OK. All right, we're ready. Hey, welcome back. Welcome back.
Now you can go ahead and ask us about this. Chorfing. OK, so wait, this is a verb? This is like an action. Yeah, an action. So it's like a thing you might do. Right, right, right.
OK, so when was the last time you chorfed? Actually on Saturday. Really? On Saturday. What was Saturday? Mine was this morning.
I'm kind of low maintenance. I don't really chorf.
Literally, look at, I mean, you know? What the hell?
Saturday was DCM, the Del Close marathon.
Did you chorf in public? No. I did it in the privacy of my home.
Most people. Yeah, most people do it in the morning or at night. I don't know, maybe not at night. Well, that's not always a private thing. People do it in the morning.
You can go to a person to get chorfed. Is chorfing fun?
It can be.
Do you think I've ever chorfed? I don't like chorfing, actually. It takes a long time. I don't think you've ever chorfed. You don't think I've ever chorfed?
No, just by looking at you, I can tell you. Just by what? You probably haven't chorfed much. Not in a while. Just by what? Not in a while. You probably have.
But you don't have a lot to chorf with. I don't have a lot to chorf with.
Think about it. So is chorfing, is it on your head? Wait, do you chorf your head?
Yeah. You're close. You're burning hot. Yeah, I know. I'm pretty hot. OK, so you're chorfing.
Wait, when do I guess? You can guess whenever you want. But then if I guess and I'm wrong, that's it? Yeah, you get one guess. And we'll move on to the next one. You only get one shot, one opportunity.
Don't say the whole song. Just use anything you've ever wanted. That's enough. Do you need a tool to chorf? Says the people that control legal stuff.
No. Not necessarily.
Sometimes people use tools, but sometimes they don't. Usually just their hand. I like to use my hands when I chorf. Hands are a tool, I would say.
Yeah. True.
Do you chorf in the shower? You can either do it in the shower or you can do it. You don't have to be in the shower. I don't chorf not in the shower. Oh, I exclusively chorf in the shower. I don't think I own anything to chorf with, honestly, at this point. I do chorf in the shower, too.
Would a dad chorf his daughter? Absolutely not. Really? Yeah, like a young daughter? Yeah.
Like a single dad. A single dad.
A baby daughter. A baby daughter, yes. Teen daughter, she's got it.
She doesn't need him for that. Right. She's probably helping him chorf at that point. Honestly, yeah, at that point. She's helping him chorf. She could, if they were going somewhere nice. She might help her dad chorf.
Yeah. And you don't use. You're so close. But you don't use like a cream to chorf? Oh, where is that? Some chorfing can be creamy. Yeah.
Make your guess. OK, make my guess.
So you don't have to chorf in the shower? No.
You don't have to chorf over a sink? Most people do. You don't have to chorf over a sink? You can chorf over a sink. You can chorf. But I have done it over the sink. On Saturday, I actually did it over the sink. Did you chorf yourself?
Yes. This is like a court game. Yes, sir. Yes.
OK, I'm going to guess that you shampooed your hair? Oh, you're so cute. It's using hair products. So I guess that is broad. That is so broad, because I was thinking brush your hair.
Yeah, that's why I got out of it. When I think products, I don't even think of shampoo and stuff, because I have curly hair. So I'm like out of the shower, takes another 40 minutes.
What do you do? What's your routine?
Oh, my routine is I put some rose oil in my hair. Then I put my detangler in my hair. And then I put my curly custard in my hair. Curly custard? My, my. And then I put some holding gel in my hair.
How often do you do this? Whenever I feel like it, which I wash my hair maybe two or three times a week, because I don't like the oil buildup. You don't like the oil buildup? Because my type of hair, you need the oil, rather than your type of hair. I only wash my hair two to three times a week, too. That's why the last time I was considering shampooing chorfing.
So I did that on Saturday. Wow. Today's Monday. That's fine.
Should we move on to the next one? Yeah, let's do it. You want to be the next one? Yeah, I'll be the next one.
All right. Chorfing. Close your eyes. Hum something. Hey, hum something. Oh, gosh. What? Wait. I don't know the last time I did that. OK, got it. And should I say it? Yeah.
OK, you can open up your eyes. But I do feel now, I do feel like now I would be good at ASMR. Hello and welcome.
This is kind of a tough one for me. I think this one's a tough one for me, too. This is a tough one.
So get ready. Oh, no, it's not. OK, I got it. What? She's the one asking the questions. OK, so chorfing. You already know what it is. Do you chorf with friends?
Sometimes. I mean, if it happens. If it happens. That's honestly a good one.
I chorfed. I actually, I did chorf on Saturday with friends. But I mean, I didn't chorf. We weren't chorfing together. Friends were there. And I chorfed. But I think I was the only one. So does chorfing include?
I'm going to be bad at this game.
Well, you know, can you, can you, is it? We didn't get together to chorf. It's OK if you don't get it. Just ask the question. OK. So since you chorfed on Saturday, but you were the only one, were you, does, do you?
I'm broken.
Chorfing has destroyed you. Chorfing, it wasn't an act. Is chorfing, like, is it, is it, and I guess it's not edible, but is it, does it involve sustaining yourself with food?
Oh, no, no, no. In a way. It might happen as a byproduct. Oh, yeah, yeah, it can happen. But if you want to survive and something bad happens. What? That's not what I was expecting. What? If you want to survive and something bad happens, think about it.
If you're eating and then you're like, oh, no, you kind of, you chorf a little. Oh, OK, I get it. Yeah, yeah, OK. You were with a lot of friends and you were the only one chorfing. And then. Well, I chorfed for a second. OK. OK, I think I know what it is, but.
You got your guess? Do you have any clarifying questions? Do you chorf when you're sick?
Yes. Oh, girl, I know this. Yeah, what is it? I think I helped. Final answer. I'm just going to say it.
I'm not supposed to be proud of that, right? I think we're supposed to not laugh again.
It is you're coughing. Yes. Good job. All right, we're tied if we're giving you a shampoo. No. Are you going to? How are we tied? No, it's a competition and you're losing. Oh, everyone's got it right, but I guess, all right, OK. Wait. Serve it. Can I grab it? It's too far.
If this is Family Feud, I got it. Oh, that's the one in my bed. I think this is the one. What's the word? Oh, yes.
I can honestly say I've never done that.
Hit and run. They have to guess hit and run. Hit and run.
Should I poke them? Poke them? Shake them? Interesting. Wake them. Did you like that original song?
No. All right, is chore being part of your job? No. Would you like it to be? No. OK, so is it bad? No. No, I'm just kidding.
Do you chore for more in the morning, noon, or night, or it doesn't matter? You might maybe people chore for more at night.
I don't know. I think morning. Yeah, I guess that's. Or in the morning.
I would say noon would not be the prime time for this chore thing. I try not to chore. Right. No, you don't want to. Most people try not to chore. Yeah, no, you would never chore on purpose. Unless you're an asshole. You don't leave the house to chore. Is chore thing part of the human experience?
Unfortunately, sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah.
But not like. You don't want.
It doesn't happen to everyone. No, like if you're talking about like everyday life, I would say chore thing is not like something I see every day. But it does happen every day. Oh, so it's more rare. So how many times a month would the average person chore?
Hopefully. I hope never. Really? Yes. It's rare in the map. Hopefully never.
But depending on the person, it could be depending how bad they are. If they have a problem, there could be a lot of chore thing.
One time a month. And that's a lot.
If you chore one time a month, you're in jail. You're absolutely in jail. Because you might not get. If you chore more than once a month, if you're doing it once a month, you keep doing it. You might not get caught. If you chore and you get caught. If you chore and you get caught, is it a felony?
It's a crime. Is that a felony? Probably a felony. Yeah, it can't be a misdemeanor.
Well, it depends on what type of chore thing. Because I think it depends on the results of the chore thing. Right. Yeah. So could you chore if using a computer?
Does it have to be in person? It has to be in person.
I mean, a spear in a way. A spear. No. A bow and arrow.
Can I give you a hint? Yeah, please. You use this every single day. Yeah. To chore? You. Yeah, right. To chore is using what you use every day can be used to chore. Yeah.
It has been used to chore. You use a knife. You do use a knife.
But that has nothing to do with this. What? Oh, I personally use a knife. But it has nothing to do with chore thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Knives have nothing to do with chore thing.
I think I got it. No. Come on. I don't think you have it at all. I feel like you have chore details. No. You don't have it at all.
Skinning Joe DiMaggio and wearing his skin to the bank to withdraw everything.
Oh my god. That's so specific. That's crazy that all that fit on that car. Yeah.
Did I get it?
It happens every day. And we all just sit in our lives.
That was my guess. Sometimes once a month. That was my damn guess. I personally don't ever want that to happen. Ally, you were wrong.
No. Yeah. I know. What is it? It was a hit and run. Oh, shit.
That's hard. That's a hard one. I think that was the hardest. That's tough.
I really thought it was like robbing a bank or something like that. That's closer than skinning Joe DiMaggio and wearing his skin to the bank and taking out everything. I want you to skin Joe DiMaggio.
I'll show you. I don't think you can. I'll show you. All right, it's your turn. You're up. OK.
I have a lot of hair under here, so I'll just do it this way. Someone else whispered this into their mic.
All right, ask away. When was the last time you chort? Probably right now. In fact, yeah. Oh, wait, damn it, sorry.
Is chorfing, does chorfing have to do with clothes? I mean, it involves clothes, but the actual act of it doesn't. Clothes are involved after the fact. Well, it can if you have too, whatever. If someone was like, what do you need to chorf, I wouldn't say clothes.
No. No, no, no, no, no. Next question.
Okay, you chorf every day, you don't necessarily make clothes to chorf. I don't necessarily chorf every day. I don't know if I chorf every day, but I am chorfing right now. We're chorfing right now. We're chorfing right now, okay. I'm not chorfing right, I was chorfing, the last podcast that I was on, I was chorfing.
What was that? Like crazy. You wanna plug it right now? Oh, I think I know what it is. What? What is it? Is it sweating? Yeah.
In a way, we all won, so it's a four way tie. No, I think Marissa and I won, clearly.
I don't know about that. We got it the fastest. I don't know about that.
Well, I really helped you out. You really gave it away, it was a look to your armpits. I didn't, I thought, I don't know what I thought. I know, and I was like, oh, I covered it up. I think I got it right.
You guys can weigh in on the discord.
No, I counted yours as winning. I didn't. Oh, Jess took it away. I think you lost. I do understand that I am the only loser.
All right, what do we have next? I see a stack of sketches in front of us with a very fun name. And these look like a lot of lines, too, huh? Blocks of dialogue.
I was the kid in class that always would count ahead the paragraphs to be like, I want the one with the least amount of words. Yeah, and then you, yeah, and then I'd always get the big chunks, and I'd be like, god damn it. There'd be a big word in it.
Should we pass them out? Yeah, this sketch is my sketch, I know. But now that I'm thinking about it, I think it's only me. Thank you. I think I'm the only one that won. Oh, no. There's one other person.
Wow. Oh, it's a four, it's a three pager. Oh, Jesus. This is going to be a lot for you. A three and one fourth page. No, one eighth, maybe? There's someone who has to do the, there's a Tom character, there's stage directions. Yep. And there's audience members. You guys got it. I all of a sudden just got nervous. Looking at all these words. Yeah, you're going to have to talk a lot. OK.
Of course. Hell yeah. I guess I'll be audience members. Yeah, right, exactly. Perfect. Is that it? I think that's it. Oh, boy. Oh, my god.
Wait, so what's the story on this? Or do we jump right in and read it? We should get the title. OK, so the title of this is The Petty Civil Rights Leader, but it was too close to a, can I say, you can't edit this. I'm going in.
Key and Peele. No, not Key and Peele.
It was too close to Fuck Me. Patrick and Ego. It was too close to a Patrick and Ego thing.
Oh, that they did at UCB? Rekha said they did it at one of her shows. So I don't know if it was, I don't think her show was at. I think her show was at The Virgil. I think they did it at a Reductress show.
I feel like that's important to note that when we're pitching stuff in the room sometimes, we all see a lot of comedy regularly. So that'll come up sometimes where it's like, actually, there's a duo out right now who's doing a bit like this or whatever. Right. Theirs was, yeah, yeah, yeah. I still haven't seen theirs, but from what I've heard, very funny. OK, let's get to it, I guess. So this is called The Petty Civil Rights Leader. All right. Interior, community center rec room day.
Civil rights leader steps to podium, greeted by applause. Note, I imagine this being shot in black and white in front of a green screen. Brothers and sisters, I am happy to join with you today for what will be remembered as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation. Is anyone out there this morning? Thunderous applause. You see, I believe that all people were created equal and deserve the same opportunities. Is anyone out there? Crowd goes wild. This time, the cheers and applause continue so that the civil rights leader has to shout over it. And that is why we cannot be satisfied until we have equal rights for every black American who has been nice to me. The applause dies down.
What? Hold on. I don't get it. What's your math?
Look, I know I'm fighting for civil rights, but it occurred to me that maybe I shouldn't be fighting for those of you who fuck me over. I'm not racist. That's just smart. Because I dream of a day when we aren't judged by the color of our skin, but by whether or not you remembered my birthday, Uncle Derek.
Smattering of reluctant applause. So we will not be satisfied until black children are allowed to learn alongside white children. And Cory from American Student Loan will stop calling me about my delinquencies. When I get paid, you'll get paid. Right now, I ain't got it. Smattering of applause. We will not be satisfied until people of all races are able to love freely, and Deborah will return my phone calls. If you don't want to go out, that's fine, but don't leave me hanging. Smattering. We will not be satisfied until we can be tried in front of a jury of our peers and not judged based on my very specific taste in music. Less applause. We live in an age where if you stand up to say anything, you can be shot down like a dog in the streets, and you'll be lucky if it even makes the news.
After this engagement, I have to head down to Charleston, South Carolina, where a mother will watch her son be buried in the ground for getting caught in the wrong bathroom in the wrong neighborhood. I don't need to tell you that a parent should never have to bury their child.
Now, is this as bad as finding out your building manager doesn't allow pets? That's a question we all have to grapple with, Pamela.
But that's fine, because you know what I got? Civil Rights Leader holds up a bottle labeled Whites Only Fountain Water and starts drinking. Oh, yeah. You never had this white people's water before. It's so good, too. But I dream of a day when we don't have white fountains and black fountains, but we have anyone but Pamela fountains and only Pamela fountains.
Is anyone out there? Smattering of applause. Not you, Doug. What are you clapping for? Sophomore year, I told you I said I liked the Beatles, and you said I wasn't black. I'm not black. Me? I'm so black, I'm getting equal rights for every black person but you. Is anyone out there? Smattering, smattering of applause. So we're asking for equal rights for everyone, but Uncle Derek, Corey, Deborah, Pamela, Doug, takes out a list, also meter maids, Tom.
What did I do? You know what you did.
People who? Civil Rights Leader gets hit with a spitball. Hey, who threw that?
You're going to be on my shit list. Hope that spitball was worth it, you piece of shit. I'm a hero. Civil Rights Leader gets smacked in the head with a beach ball, and it knocks him over, but he pops back up. I will fuck you up. You want these hands, do you? I digress. People who chew with their mouths open, strangers in line who stand beside you, and Bill Cosby. Just trust me on that last one.
Big applause. And yay.
So sometimes if I have zero ideas, what I will do is, I haven't done this for a while, but the title of this is petty civil rights theory. Sometimes I'll just make a little, I have to be completely drained of just zero ideas. And then you know the thing of you make a list of adjectives or descriptors, and then a list of nouns or pronouns, and then you just line them up like, oh, giant tollbooth operator. Let's see if we can do something with that. I feel like they taught that at UCB or something. One of those guys' classes. Because I took 101, and I remember them being like, if you can't come up with ideas, just write a whole bunch of random things down, and eventually you'll pay for them.
Yeah. So it was petty civil rights leader? Yeah. Love it. Can't wait for giant tollbooth operator. I know. I'll hold my breath for that one. I love how it was like, fountains for everyone but Pamela, and then fountains for just Pamela. Because that would be a good thing. Yeah, I know.
She had her own personal fountain all over this city. Yeah, you'll get your own, Pamela. Don't drink out of my fountain.
This reminded me, I did see that ego bit. She was like, it started out with her being like, black lives matter, but these are some black lives that don't matter. And then she listed a group of girls that had slighted her in the character. What was the character? It was kind of like a girl online. It was like a more modern take on it.
But yeah, that's so fucking funny. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I wish I had seen it. I certainly wish I had seen it.
And I can see her doing it really well. It was in her show, her full on show. And now what is she doing? Fucking nothing, right? We're washed up on Saturday Night Live, just really doing her grunt work, getting in the hours.
All right. Well, that is a perfect transition. Our first question comes from Ego. OK, so the way we do for all of these things, you've been waiting for it the whole time. You know what it is. This is Q&A. Wow. Bring the enthusiasm.
All right, we've got two questions here. But by the looks of the length of them, I would assume that each of these has multiple questions. All right, this first one is from Vipovio. Writing question. Here we go, make two lists.
Do you guys ever hit your stride when you're writing something and you just want to keep on plowing? I decided to finally sit down and write a novel last Friday. Wow. So I've been writing one chapter or so a day. Goodness. And I am just shy of 35,000 words now.
I keep feeling like I could press on and get more done, but I'm worried about burnout. Do you guys ever feel this way? And if so, what is your favorite part of writing? Do you feel this way? And if so, how do you deal with it?
Yeah, I would say that's, I mean, we never write stuff that long for this job. It's like five pages max. But I have encountered that problem with scripts, and I feel like it's really good. If you feel like you have that creative energy, keep it going, but just be outlining. Don't try to keep writing it word for word. Just make as detailed of an outline as you can to try to get yourself closer and closer to the end of the project. Yeah, I don't know how it works with novel writing. Yeah, for anything like what we do, outlining is pretty important.
Yeah. And for me, it would just be so discouraging to sit down in front of a blank page and just try to, it's better for organizing and all that kind of stuff. Totally.
But yeah, I have no idea what it's like for novel writing. Maybe you don't, I have no clue.
I would also maybe highlight something or make a little mark of where you started to feel a little bit tired, because usually it's easy to go back and just go over that last part. For me, there's just a little bit of trash that comes out at the very end of a writing all night kind of thing. You're literally worried that the next day you're like, so inspired, and you're like, this is great. But yeah, if you can keep track of where you just started to feel tired, that'll give you a little bit more. If you're writing something this long, you've got to keep your notes up to date.
And a chapter a day does sound like a ton. That's like, have you guys ever done NaNoWriMo? The National Novel Writers Month? Me too. Every time I get burnt out, I'm like, nope. You write a novel in a month, and everyone in the nation is trying to do it. You only have 31 days.
That's crazy. That would be crazy.
I've also heard people do a TK as like, how can I go back and forth?
Yes. Yeah, as a placeholder to go. Yeah.
The things that you're the most excited about, I'm fine with, if it's something that you're the most excited about, writing that first, and then going back and tackling the things that feel more tedious or whatever. Yeah, and just setting placeholders until you can come back to it. The hard thing for me is always names. Anytime I come up with, which is like the first thing you need when you're writing something.
But I'm always like, this sounds so fake. No one's named Amelia. You know, I'm just like, what the fuck? Everyone in all my scripts are named Amelia. Nobody ever really uses the names, I feel like.
Exactly, they get mixed. So it doesn't even matter. Yeah, totally.
I mean, oh yeah, in these sketches, it's always like, trap. It's like, why would you name trap something else? Although that would be funny. Maybe I'll start doing that.
Well, Balthazar. I remember Rekha named one of her characters like Agent Surfboard, and that actually got in the sketch, which was like hilarious. The other person, I can't remember what the other one was. It was something similar. It was like Agent Surfboard and like Agent Beach or something. Was it, did it have to deal with the script or was it?
Nothing at all. No.
Love it. There's a serious part in the script where it's like, they put their hands down like, yeah, you got that. Agent Surfboard. Yeah, Trap has a thing with names where he says, I think what it is, and I could be getting this wrong, but I think what it is is that he gives them like a normal first name and then a last name that's like an activity or like a crazy noun. Like, fuck. God damn it. Yeah, I'm not good at names, neither. Like Amelia. Like Tom Batflip or something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Give them a normal name but a weird last name. Or like when we did Ultra Mechatron Team Go and your character was Armand and he controlled the arms. Yeah, all of our names in that were tied to what our jobs were. Oh, really? Yeah.
Wait, what were all the names, Armand? Armand.
Trish. What's Trish's? Trish is the, Trish is the, whatever. It's the scientific name for like some part of your leg. Really? It's Trish.
Wow, that's really clever. Oh, the Trichonomics. The Trichonomics.
Wait, and then Sarah is the brain. Sarah Bellum.
Yep. And then Brody was the body, the torso. Yeah, Brody's the torso. Oh, for like Brody. Which is body. Brody body, maybe?
Sure, that's what it is. I don't know, look it up. Wow. That's crazy. Damn. I forget what the hell that was.
When you read that question and you said 35,000 words, I thought you were about to say 35,000 pages. And I was about to, my face was like, and then like you said words, and I was like, but also that's very impressive still. What? 35,000 pages?
I was like, what are you doing? Who's going to read this? Are you writing the Bible? I am writing the Bible, and I need some questions. I need some answers from you guys. Will you be my disciples and spread the word? Will you get inspiration from God anymore? What do you do?
OK, this next question is from Blueberry. Nice. This is probably more for you two, for Marissa and Jesse.
How do you get into producing slash production management? Do most of y'all have film degrees? I love working in creative fields, but I prefer a support role. And it seems like so much is focused on creatives, with quotes.
I love that. How do you break into the background as someone who doesn't live in LA or New York? Thank you, Blueberry.
Well, I went to a film school. I think most people who are on the production team here did go to some type of film school or art school.
And then you just kind of start. Yeah, is it something that you break into? Or just, yeah, right, just fall into it? Yeah. You're in a good way, necessarily. It's not like that. Our jobs are fun.
I feel like I fell, not necessarily into what I did, but I studied film. But I wanted to be an editor. And then I was just like, I actually don't like having people tell me what to do. I'm going to tell them what to do.
For a producer, it's usually you start as a production assistant. And then you kind of work your way up to a coordinator, and then a producer or a PM, a production manager.
I don't know where you live, Blueberry, but you should probably move to LA or New York if you want to do it. It's the easiest place to get in. I moved here from Chicago, originally from Iowa. Chicago's nice, though, to start.
There's a lot of audiences there. Atlanta, there's a lot of filming there.
That's right. Depending on. I started in Detroit. Even Louisiana. That was pretty cool. I worked on car commercials.
I say moving to LA is nice because there's no ceiling, and that's why I decided to move to LA. Because when I lived in Chicago, I was like, there's a ceiling here, and I'm going to reach it. And then I'm going to have to move to a different city and then have to start all over again. So instead of doing that, I decided to move to LA.
But you can. There's a lot of local film, different programs, and different scenes. In Des Moines, where I'm originally from, there's a ton of different local films. And if you go to places like Atlanta or places that have some sort of film break, like tax incentive, a lot of larger productions will go there. And so you can get time with larger productions and learn that without having to move. Cool.
I feel like I benefited from staying. Because I did a year in Detroit, and my whole mind frame was like, I want to have more experience than the other people that are just moving to LA with no experience. And that way, I found a job within a couple weeks. Because they were like, oh, you know how to edit, and you have a year's worth of experience editing. Because when you first get here. Yeah, you can get a job. And saying you know how to edit, and actually having a job where you edit is like two different things. Because I feel like I have friends who come out of film school and are like, I'm just going to start editing. But if you don't have that experience, they want you to be an AE, or they want you to be a post-PA. And I was just like, I'm going to start somewhere where, because in Detroit, there's less people doing that. So you get those jobs.
I did the opposite. I just came, well, I got an internship at College Humor after I graduated. Well, that's nice. And so I came here. Do that, actually, everybody. Just get an internship. Honestly, but to do an internship is the way to go. Because then you meet the people in the company, and then you kind of, you know. I mean, that's how I also got it. I did an internship in college, for a comedy thing. It was like, oh.
People thought I was also crazy, because I got a PA job in Chicago for House Hunters at the time. And I decided to turn on the PA job, to come to Chicago to be an intern at College Humor.
You wanted to do scripted, right? Because I wanted to do comedy. I wanted to do scripted.
And College Humor pays their interns, which is great. But it was obviously not as much as I would have made in Chicago, being a PA on that show. But it was well worth it. Sometimes you kind of have to do those, make those sacrifices. Or not really sacrifice, but make those decisions. Well, you don't necessarily go for the more high-paying job, or the more lucrative job at the time. Just because later down the line, it will pay off having done more grunt work earlier on.
Within the area that you want to be in. Also, people that I interned with, I still talk to, and they're like higher up now. Like I interned throughout college, and I feel like I interned at three or four different places, and all of them now people are higher up, and I'll keep in contact with them. Because you never know if I want to go somewhere. Interning is the shit.
You get to be the people who are kind of like coming up with you. Yeah, you feel very up and coming. And you go out to drink a lot, at least I did. Yeah, yeah. And then you date each other.
No, I didn't. It feels like a reality show. No, that didn't happen.
A reality show that's just interns dating? Intern house. Hinking and dating. It's like Tara's house, but a little more exciting. Yeah, a little more hand-holding. Yeah, get an internship.
Yeah, that's what we say. That's it. Well, everyone, thank you so much for joining us.
Before we leave, do you guys have plugs? Anything coming up in your lives? Or where can people find you on the internet should you wish to be found?
All right, you're talking to Marissa and I. I know it's like higher up. I'm also talking to you, Raph. I don't want to be found. I think people know who I am. You already know that. I mean, I'm on Twitter.
You can find Raph at dirtybooty.com backslash latenight. Wait, when does this go up? Because I would promote my short film. Do it. It's going to be playing at the LA Short Fest.
The lamely, lamely? Is that how you guys say that? Yeah, lamely. Lamely, lamely?
I should know what theater in Noho. It's on the 24th. What's it called? It's called Safe. And it's playing at 955. Ooh. Yeah.
Have you posted that anywhere? Can people find you online? That's my goal this week. Wait, so tweet it out and tweet it out. Twitter is? Yeah, what's your Twitter?
Marissa, hi. It's so crazy that your last name is hi. H-I-G-H.
It's like that, what, the chyron? Is that how you say that? I should know how to say that in post. But this will probably come up under you, too. So it'll be written.
Yeah, that's right here. Right, right. Am I doing it right? Yes.
It's a little lower. That one looks like you're telling people. For the people watching, they know you're pointing at a chyron. But for us, we're like, look at me.
Not even. Down to cloud. Cool. Anything from you guys? No. Cool.
I'm going to stay mysterious. Great. I'm mysterious, too. I feel that. Hell, yeah. You, too, Ruff? I mean, I have my Twitter everything. That's all for the show.
Thank you, everyone. Thank you so much for listening.
If you have any more questions, please write them on the Discord. We'd love to answer your questions in the CH podcast.
And we'll see you in two weeks. Hey, it's Raphael.
If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a whole lot of straws per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Troopers. Set a course for the Dread Cruiser Set a course for the Dread Cruiser Set a course for the Dread Cruiser Sign up for your free trial today.
You don't need all those straws. Give them to me. |
cracked | why_all_ubisoft_games_are_the_same_tom_clancy_s_the_division | Oh, shit. Is that Times Square? That looks amazing. What game is this? The Division. Wow!
I love the snowfalls and all the broken down vehicles and barricades. It's a post-apocalyptic game, right? I figured that out because of all the barricades that I like. Hey, have I mentioned the barricades?
Yeah. So what do you do? You lead a division?
It's set in a post-apocalyptic New York that's been overrun by a small poxy and contagion. Now the city is occupied by quasi-terrorist militants, but I have to eliminate.
Then why the long face, buddy? Oh, you feeling bad about all the innocent victims, huh? What? No. I'm bummed about this shitty game, obviously. Well, what's wrong with it?
Looks great. It's got a fun premise. The mechanics are solid. That's a thing, right? Did that game talk good? Sure, yeah. It has a satisfying shooter-looter game loop. The graphics are great, the mechanics are well-tuned and executed, and the story's acceptable.
Bummer? Yeah!
It's exactly the same as all other Ubisoft games. It's just another copy-paste. Ubisoft? They're a developer of a lot of these big AAA games. Assassin's Creed, Watchdog, the Far Cry series. I mean, they make other stuff too, but mostly they make these big annualized franchises and just rinse and repeat. Whoa, what are you talking about? Assassin's Creed is totally different from this game.
That's mostly knives, yeah? This is mostly guns, yeah? Some barricades, too?
Big difference. Yes, they're not exactly the same game every time. They're reskins, obviously, but the gameplay and the story is basically the same every time, and the division is maybe the ultimate example.
Okay, this one's set in New York, right? Yes. Yeah, yes. It's not a trick question. It's set in New York.
The whole game takes place in this sprawling city that they painstakingly scaled down and rendered. And guess what? So does every other Ubisoft game. Watchdogs 1 was set in Chicago, 2 was San Francisco. Assassin's Creed will do two or three smaller cities like Venice or Florence or a small quadrant of the Caribbean, Paris, London. Far Cry is usually some extended section of Tibet or Africa or ancient Oros. So you're mad because they pick a setting? No, I'm saying that they basically pick one very specific biome, design all the art to fit within it, scatter buildings and guys around and never vary the level design. Even if the setting is a different city or season, it's still the same fundamental experience. Call of Duty games will take you to a bunch of different environments in a single game. Jungles, forests, cities, space, and all people do is complain about how similar those are. But isn't the point of a sandbox game to let you thoroughly explore one specific space? Sure, and that's great, but Ubisoft also replicates the way you play the game from franchise to franchise.
See this thing? It's a safe house. Yes, that's what this game calls it, but you could just as easily have called it an outpost or a viewpoint because functionally, it's a checkpoint I have to clear to open up this part of the map.
So in order to play all the missions in Lower Manhattan, I have to navigate through hostile territory till I reach this point and perform whatever action is required. In this game, I just press a button to talk to a guy. In Far Cry, I have to kill some guys and then press a button. In Watch Dogs, I have to press a button to hack a mainframe, and in Assassin's Creed, I climb to the top of a viewpoint and synchronize, which means look around, which entails the pressing of a button.
So again, totally different activities. Different animations. Plenty of indie games have proven that video gameplay can be infinitely diverse. I can interact with this box in a million different ways, yet Ubisoft just reskins and tweaks the same sandbox over and over and passes it off as different series. So why aren't you playing one of those games?
Because I paid three times as much for this!
Even the quests are the same from game to game. There's always a stalking hunting one, a clear-this-building-a-bad-guys one, and a racing one. Always. Every game.
I hear what you're saying, but you love Grand Theft Auto. You know, don't they just pick a single city and open up the map a bit at a time? Yeah! Because Ubisoft jacked their formula from Grand Theft Auto?
That's like blaming Bram Stoker for Twilight. You are shitting on Bram Stoker right now.
Look, Grand Theft Auto's a series, okay? It's normal to expect some gameplay continuity from version to version.
What would Mario be doing if he wasn't collecting stars, right? Probably sneaking out a toilet.
The point is, these games aren't Ubisoft 1 and Ubisoft 2. They're totally different franchises, theoretically, with different gameplay, story, and setting. They're even different genres. Far Cry's a first-person shooter. Assassin's Creed is a third-person action-adventure game, and Watch Dogs is Grand Theft Auto with better phones.
I mean, it would be like someone promised you a rom-com, a western, and a thriller. And every minute of all three movies gave you the exact same feeling. You'd feel cheated, right? Not if I like the feelings. I mean, yeah, it sounds formulaic, but some are all three genres of movie you mention. Look, I think it's just what happens, you know, when you live in a constant narrative cycle like we do. The designers and creators, they whittle their product down to the exact thing that hits our pleasure sensors, and then they find a way to repackage it and do it again.
What's wrong with that?
I mean, you buy all the games, right? Sure, I guess. And you play them all the way through, right? Yeah.
I'm amazing at that. You know, I heard the new GTA is gonna be in London. Really? Holy s***, that's gonna be so f***ing cool. All right, I can't wait to rocket launch a bunch of bobbies. You know what? I bet they're gonna base it on the Guy Ritchie films. Oh, which one?
Swept away!
I'll get the DVD. You get the Nest ready. Okay.
Do we have cocoa or are we out of cocoa? We got cocoa.
Yeah, baby! Nesting, nesting up. It's all nesting.
Me and my buddy. Ready for you. Time! Get warm. Kind of stole mine. Hey guys, Saturday, April 8th. We're doing a live after hours.
Katie Willard, Daniel O'Brien, Sorin Bui, and I will be coming up with movie ideas too awesome to get made. Tickets are $7. There's probably more information somewhere on your screen and a place to click and buy them, so do that. |
TheOnion | Highlights_From_The_First_Presidential_Debate | As we welcome the candidates, Democratic nominee for President of the United States, Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee for President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. Now in all fairness to Secretary Clinton, yes, is that okay? Good.
I want you to be very happy. It's very important to me.
In fact, Donald was one of the people who rooted for the housing crisis. He said back in 2006, gee, I hope it does collapse because then I can go in and buy some and make some money. Well, it did collapse. That's called business, by the way.
Nine million people. Nine million people lost their jobs.
Well, look, could I just finish? I think I should.
You go to her website and you take a look at her website. She's going to raise taxes, $1.3 trillion. And look at her website. You know what? It's no different than this. She's telling us how to fight ISIS. Just go to her website. She tells you how to fight ISIS on her website.
I don't think General Douglas MacArthur would like that too much. The next segment, we're continuing the subject of Well, at least I have a plan to fight ISIS. No, no, you're telling the enemy everything you want to do. No, we're not. See, you're telling the enemy everything you want to do. No wonder you've been fighting no wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life. I have a feeling that by the end of this evening I'm going to be blamed for everything that's ever happened.
Why not? Yeah, why not?
I will release my tax returns against my lawyer's wishes when she releases her 33,000 emails that have been deleted. As soon as she releases them, I will release I will release my tax returns.
Secretary Clinton doesn't want to use a couple of words, and that's law and order. We need law and order. If we don't have it, we're not going to have a country. Under the current mayor, crime has continued to drop, including murders.
So there is You're wrong. You're wrong. No, I'm not.
Murders are up. All right, you check it. New York has done an excellent job.
I think Donald just criticized me for preparing for this debate. And yes, I did. And you know what else I prepared for? I prepared to be president.
And I think that's a good thing. I think that I've developed very, very good relationships over the last little while with the African-American community. I think you can see that. And I feel that they really wanted me to come to that conclusion. And I think I did a great job and a great service, not only for the country, but even for the president.
Donald supported the invasion of Iraq. Wrong. That is absolutely Wrong. Proved over and over again. Wrong. We actually advocated for the actions we took in Libya.
I think my strongest asset, maybe by far, is my temperament. I have a winning temperament. I know how to win.
She doesn't have the looks. She doesn't have the stamina. I said she doesn't have the stamina. And I don't believe she does have the stamina. To be president of this country, you need tremendous stamina. He tried to switch from looks to stamina.
But this is a man who has called women pigs, slobs and dogs. My thanks to Hillary Clinton and to Donald Trump and to Hofstra University for hosting us tonight. Good night, everyone. |
TheOnion | New_Law_Would_Ban_Marriages_Between_People_Who_Don_t_Love_Each_Other | The Minnesota activists are out in full force today to protest a new bill that would ban marriage between people who don't love each other. Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty expressed his intention to sign the bill earlier this week saying, quote, I believe the definition of marriage is a union between two people who love each other. In addition to outlawing future loveless unions, the so-called Purity of Marriage Act would also nullify an estimated 53 percent of marriages in Minnesota. Loveless couples gathered at the state capitol today to voice their opinion that all couples have a right to be married, not just those who can stand each other's company.
Beth and I have been sitting silently in front of the TV set for 20 years. You can't tell me that's not marriage. Our feelings of co-dependence are just as strong as a happy couple's love. Just because I talk to her less than I talk to the dog, that doesn't mean that what we have is in marriage. We didn't choose to feel nothing for each other, that's just the way we are.
Joining us now from St. Paul is Onion News Network legal expert Olivia Walker. Hi, Damien.
This is a real surprise since Minnesota has long been considered a real mecca for loveless couples. Right, the state is full of bland suburbs and buffet restaurants serving endless piles of food, which loveless couples use to fill the void in their hearts. Where is the support for this bill coming from? Well, the bill's supporters say for too long they've had to watch these people flaunt their lovelessness, figuring over which peanut butter to buy in grocery stores and violently brushing lint off of each other's jackets. So to them, these miserable couples offend the very idea of marriage. That's right, there have been reports from around the state of loveless couples suffering harassment, even vandalism. That's a shame. Olivia, what about the people who argue that loveless couples can still live together unhappily, even if their sexless unions aren't technically considered marriage? Well, marriage has legal implications as well. For instance, if one member of a loveless couple got sick, their spouse could no longer visit them in the hospital to berate them about how much that medical bill was going to cost. Well, Olivia, not so long ago loveless couples felt they had to hide, but the crowds there today show that many people are now comfortable with being openly indifferent to their spouses. That's right. Basically, in the 1970s loveless couples were sent to camps where it was believed they could be cured of their lovelessness by undergoing group therapy and sharing exercises. But even if the Minnesota law passes, loveless marriage activists will almost certainly try to bring this one before the Supreme Court. Right, and there it could face a lot of opposition, at least four of the justices are rumored to be in loveless marriages themselves. Yeah, well, thanks for the update, Olivia. Later in the hour, we'll talk to our economics expert Joshua Russell who says a ban on loveless marriage could cripple the already flagging cruise ship industry.
But first, Shia LaBeouf has signed a deal with Paramount to ruin another one of your childhood memories. |
dropout | bras_smoking_gandmas_and_pee_balloons_collegehumor_comment_show | Crazy thing there hasn't been a good show since Silly Your Shorts. That was the worst. Welcome to the comment show. The only show on College Humor where we respond. Actually, the only show where we even remotely do anything like this at all. It's a genre that I say that. As always, I'm joined by two College Humor writer performers. This week it's Emily Axford.
Hi. Brian Murphy. Hey.
All right, let's just go. I think we just roll right into it.
Moving on to two sports bras. Two sports bras. The latest innovation in female athletics. Raz144 writes, one, wear a bra. Two, wear a sports bra. Three, wear a tank top. Four, stop your bitchin' from a girl who's been busty since she was some age.
Maybe smartly cut. Yeah, smartly cut.
I've been busty since I was eight. It sounds more cumbersome than wearing two sports bras, actually. Yeah, well, because then you got wires in there, and then you're like running around with wires in there and cutting up at your boobies, which are.
This is weird logic, because it's saying you don't need a new invention for this. We already have three other things that could be that. Why use cups? Why not use a big spoon and then put a piece of paper around it, and then put liquid in that.
Stop your bitchin'. I read on BuzzFeed that if Bart Simpson were a human, he'd be 37 years old. We are so old. Stop saying you're old, written by you.
And Dan. And Dan Gerwins.
Alfie Owens writes, I'm 12. I'm 12. I agree, Alfie Owens. Pretty smart, yeah. Seriously. Pretty sharp 12-year-old. Yeah. I'm 12. I'm old. I mean, he's probably looking at those 11-year-olds with everything to gain from the world.
You have so much pain to experience in your life. You haven't got to the painful part yet. You're about to.
Is there any more 12-year-old name than Alfie Owens? That's all he has it. I'm Alfie Owens.
Pixie244 says, 1993 rules. Why? What the fuck happened? Oh, Jurassic Park, Spin Doctors, Top of the Charts. I believe August and Everything After by The Counting Coast came out in 93.
Waco Test Receipts. Acid Wash Jeans.
I do have nice memories of 93. No, that was when I was 9 or 10. Trying to think what I was doing. I was enjoying Power Rangers.
21 years ago, though. That is pretty long. Listen, that was a long time ago. Dude, we're so old. Cool Doll says, to be fair, our generation will probably not live as long, thanks to various factors, like all the shit we put in our air and food. So 25 could be the new 40.
What's the, how'd you define that? It's a moda con. It's like a little sad face. It's kind of like, mm, it's kind of like, mm-hmm. What are you doing again? It's kind of like, mm-hmm.
Oh, God, no, I hate this comment. I mean, I just saw Food Inc. So like, I'm kind of on this train, you know? Here we go. I mean, if you think about it, suddenly the corporations have us by the ball. Here's the thing.
No, I mean, we're definitely getting unhealthier, but even as fast as we're getting unhealthy, medical science is finding new and perverse ways to keep people longer, long paths when they should die. Also, like, what's worse for you? Like, eating some fucking GMO, or like, my grandma smoking while being pregnant with my dad.
But you know, do your part, you know. Join a CSA. Go to a pharmacy. Let's just pick the best card here.
Knobsterdomus, another good one. Knobster? Knobsterdomus, it's a good one.
I'm only 20, and every time a new Pokemon comes out, I feel old, shut the fuck up. I haven't played with a DS since the hottest game around was Nintendogs. When was that? They're World War II veterans who are still alive. And you're old.
No! Yes!
Ooh, that's a lot of cologne. Okay, so this is water balloon versus cold balloon. Unscripted video. Press Fart to continue.
Piss or a lemonade? I think that's a legitimately, like, well, no, because we wouldn't just piss, right? I like this as another water balloon, though. Maybe I'm just gonna say piss balloon. But also lemonade, because it's like, oh, it's a lose-lose, just one loses so much worse. Like, I am sticky with lemonade. And one, you're like, well, I mean, urine can be cleansing, right? I personally don't really have a problem with urine. Yeah, I would do water balloon with piss or lemonade, because I would get piss on me.
I think I would do this. Yeah, I think I would do this, too.
We should not commit to it, because we'll start, like, we'll get the fucking call sheet tomorrow. Piss or lemonade, you'd have to drink it. No, no, no, I was just saying, I know that. Yeah, I still explain it to people for water balloons. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I'm not gonna drink pee. Would you rather get hit with a water balloon full of someone else's piss or drink a full glass of your own piss? Uh, water balloon, water balloon.
Absolutely. Really? Yes.
You would drink a glass of your own piss? We're both so pissed in the pool this weekend. He thinks it's rude to not say God bless you, but not rude to piss in a pool. No, you can say gazoon-type, just like, you know. Well, yeah, but he thinks he's like, oh, no, it's rude if you don't say anything, but then he thinks it's not rude to piss in the pool. Take a stand. I don't pee in the towel. Comment below if you peed in pools. Please tell me I'm not gonna eat his pool party. What? Well, now I can't pee in it, because I feel bad. Pools aren't that big of water.
They're, like, they're full of chlorine. It doesn't make your piss not piss. It's all, like, a mental thing. If this whole glass had been full of piss, and I just drank it and didn't know, and it tasted great, I wouldn't care. Okay, so by that rationale, if you're cool with other people peeing in the water, then you're already cool with, like, being exposed to other people's piss, so what, what, over your body, so why would you not? Because it's in a giant, it's in a giant thing of chlorine. Ed Withers writes, chloroform versus ammonia.
What, what's, wait.
That's pretty, that's basically saying, well, let's make you pass out. Die or die. I assume this would be, like, an inhalation one, because you would die if you drank either of these. If it's an inhalation thing, though, don't they just both make you pass out? If you mix ammonia with bleaches poisoned, that's a big no-no when you're cleaning.
Well, I guess, like, I don't want to do this one. Yeah, however, this is one. This one?
This is what Murph pours in his pool. Murph pours in his pool. To make it remove, after he goes in your pool. With all the shit going on in pool, guys.
Aren't you afraid of that, isn't there that chemical that makes pee red when you pee in the water? That's so fake. Murph has tested pools across the country. There's no way. I would have ran into it by now if that existed. Jumpyplum9613, tea or bomb water. Ah, that's a great one.
It's disgusting. Tea or bomb water. That's so gross. If they both have a tea bag in them, too. I almost might do getting hit with pee than drinking bomb water, because that's really gross. Bomb water's pretty foul. They're all gross. That's the point of the game. Like, it really bums out stoners if you tip over their bomb water for some reason. It does smell and it's gross, but it's also just water.
Yeah. Ah! Everyone's, this is definitely the color. Let's move on to YouTube closed captions, also written by you. And? And Adam. Samramdabest writes, now do it again with a closed captioning one, and then again, and again, and again. It's funny she's saying that.
I believe that was kind of. That's why we tried to do it a second time, but because we were using the words that it's prone to recognize, it just recognized it. Once you do it once. It just recognized it. It was way too accurate. I wish we could've done it a more times. I'm kind of glad we didn't, because that was so brutal to shoot. It was really hard, yeah.
Like, it was just, it was all one shot. So I guess we did it one shot. It is really funny to be like, hey, you know how you're gonna have a series of lines that are confusing and maybe make no sense? Let's do it in one shot.
Did Adam actually mail Dan a beef garbage forest script or something? He took a picture of it. Adam wrote like the title on the title page of a script, like beef garbage for written by Adam Conover and then texted Dan a picture, like hoping to rile him up. Did Dan respond? Dan was so gracious. He knew that it was a joke.
So he was just like, oh, I miss you. And he sent like a really nice sincere text back. I was like, I miss you guys. Tell everyone I'm thinking of them.
You suck. One, one, eight, seven.
It understood Shakespeare incredibly well despite messing up everything else. Apparently YouTube is an intellectual, but not quite a man of the people.
That is true. We definitely like saw the closed captions and it's like, once it kicked in, it was like, it just like understood every single thing from the Sonics. We put the sound in there. We're like, oh yeah. We're gonna, we're gonna trick him. What part did it jumble the most? I think the funniest jumble was it changed the ope from, ope, ope, ope, the from open album style to well, well. Yeah, that was great. Well, well, well, well, I'm gonna style.
The UK ASMR says, love it when College Humor talks about ASMR. All right. Person really likes ASMR. That's right, I think last week that was one of the videos, last episode we talked about the video we wrote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is ASMR. Now we're really down a rabbit hole. Well, what's cool about this is that this seems to be from some sort of UK-based ASMR, like for Americans I know, a lot of people when people have British accents, that's a big trigger for a lot of people when it comes to ASMR, like an old man with a British accent or a girl with a British accent. I wonder if British people like American accents when they listen to ASMR.
Well, actually, I've always thought that. I'm always like, oh, I should move to another country so I'll be the exotic one, so I can walk in and be like, hi, can I get a coffee? And they'll be like, well. Everyone fucks my coffee, yeah.
From Scrooge McFuck, one. Great name. The Scrooge part. One, I'm glad you guys like my name. Two, a lot of people took what I said as serious when actually I was just being sarcastic. Scrooge McFuck wrote like a sort of ironically, now is confirmed to have been an ironic like rant against the very video in which we rant against it. So what we've learned is that Scrooge McFuck has a very clever sense of humor. As soon as I heard the name Scrooge McFuck, I knew we were on the same page.
I knew, yeah. Totally.
Talking of course about Adam Ruins Everything, Engage Rings, Adam Ruins Everything, so this was written by Adam Conover, I guess, or Adam Conover, yeah. Well, good news, I believe Adam is hard at work ruining another thing that we all love, so. What will it be?
You're in luck. All right, that's it. We're out of comments, which means this comment show is officially over. Thank you, Emily. Okay. Thank you, Murph, for being here. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you, Mr. Damas and Scrooge McFuck. Yeah, please answer some of those questions we asked and be sure and subscribe to our YouTube channel where you can comment on our various videos and who knows, maybe we'll read them on this very show.
Democracy. Democracy in action. In action. |
cracked | the_george_santos_movie_is_actually_happening_ | His life is already a made-for-TV movie, so let's cast this baby. You remember back in May when I cast this? Well, it's happening. A movie about George Santos is in development at HBO Films.
On Friday, the house expelled George over ethics violations, and the internet was ablaze with reality TV edits. I was sent here by the people of the Third District of New York. I represent them at the political class in Washington, D.C. If they want to send me home, if they think this was a fair process, if they think this is how it should be done, and if they're confident that this is a constitutional way of doing it, God bless their hearts. It is so insane that he decided to use the line, send me home.
Anyways, Frank Rich, who produced Veep and Succession, will be developing the movie based on Mark Huizano's book, The Fabulist, the lying, hustling, grifting, stealing, and very American legend of George Santos. Apparently going to be a dark comedy. I personally can't wait. Details of George's rise to fame in politics are truly stranger than fiction, so should be an easy script to write. |
TheOnion | Study_Pregnant_Women_Can_Drink_One_Bottle_Of_Wine_A_Day_If_Fetus_Can_Handle_Its_Shit | Ama Dinajad signs on as Dean of Students at Sarah Lawrence College, a fully leveled up video game character marvels at how far he's come, and the milk rushing through a jug handle is having the time of its life. If we didn't previously believe we were in the higher status position, seeing you planted there right now confirms it. This is the Onion Week in Review. This week, top executives from the US financial sector announced they're about ready to ruin the world again. executives from all major banking and investment institutions said that more than enough time has passed since they last caused a major global economic meltdown, and confirmed they're pretty much fully prepared to bring about a brand new worldwide financial crisis.
A new study released this week confirmed that pregnant women can drink one bottle of wine a day as long as their fetus can hold its alcohol. Medical researchers said while they once strongly cautioned expectant mothers from ever drinking alcohol, it's fine for them to drink up to 750 milliliters of wine per day if the unborn child can quote, handle it shit without getting too tipsy.
McDonald's announced this week that the company is considering franchising restaurants after being family owned and operated for over 70 years. In a press conference Wednesday, company CEO Robert McDonald said that while the restaurant chain has long relied exclusively on McDonald family members to operate and serve food at their over 34,000 worldwide locations, they are slowly running out of relatives to fill new positions. People have come to expect to walk into McDonald's anywhere and see a McDonald there, whether it's Daniel McDonald in Grand Rapids, or Chuck McDonald in Mumbai, or even my cousin here at Tom and McDonald in Tokyo, franchising will be a change, but people can still expect the same McDonald's family recipes that they've come to love.
And in local news, a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly. In other news, ecstatic American Indians praised the Lone Ranger for finally telling their story. Michelle Obama is seen outside walking the family rhinoceros and a man refers to his trust fund as savings. You will now hear three gong strikes and a recitation of the great chant before being ushered to the hallowed garden. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | why_blade_runner_s_rick_deckard_is_objectively_human_yboc | Okay, nerds. I've got the results to your Voigt Conf test right here, and I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding aka Officer J, and I'm a little worried about your diet.
A banquet is in progress. The entree consists of boiled dog. Gross.
Anyway, you're participating in another episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show where a blood-black nothingness began to spin. A system of cells are linked within cells, are linked within cells, are linked within one stem, and dreadfully distinct against the dark, a tall, white fountain played. Have you ever been in an institution?
Cells. When you're not performing your duties, do they keep you in a little box? Cells.
Interlinked.
We're done. Whew. Well, today I diagnose.
Through two running blade movies, we still don't definitively know if Rick Deckard is a human or a robot replicant. The debate has raged on for longer than I've been alive, and the most popular internet theory seems to be that Deckard's ruggish good looks are in fact artificially built in a lab somewhere, and as proof, endless articles and videos point to small moments like Deckard's eyes flashing, or the origami unicorn scene, or Director Ridley Scott flat-out revealing Deckard is a replicant like some sort of anti-Christopher Nolan hack. But Scott is not only wrong about his own character, he's retroactively making his film, and indeed the entire series, worse. But good news, androids are among my many, many actual doctor specializations, and I've decided to use my considerable knowledge to save Blade Runner for all of us.
You're welcome, and I accept cash.
When we first meet Deckard, he's divorced, his dad is dead, and he's retired from Blade Running because he found the Nexus 3 replicants to be too smooth, too human, and he didn't enjoy murdering creatures so alive and so velvety. Is this testing whether I'm a replicant or a lesbian, Mr. Deckard? Already we've got a huge problem. If Deckard is a replicant built solely to kill other replicants, why was he allowed to quit his job? At the beginning of Blade Runner, he's dragged out of retirement to hunt down next sixes, meaning he's been retired for three generations of robots. But living on Earth as a replicant is illegal. Even if the government originally made an exception for Deckard, surely that would be rescinded as soon as he retired, right? The only reason they'd let him stay would be if he's single-handedly keeping their scotch and noodle industries afloat. But okay, so he unretires and becomes barely legal once again, and Deckard is sent to Tyrell Corporation to unknowingly test whether or not their hot new Nexus 7 Replicant prototype, Rachel, could pass a Turing test.
In this universe, that means passing a Voigt-Kampf test, which measures a subject's empathy. Someone gives you a Caskin wallet. I wouldn't accept it. Also, I'd report the person who gave it to me to the police.
Whereas humans feel bad watching a turtle slowly cook to death in the desert, replicants really don't mind. Although to be fair, this could be just because robots aren't allowed to watch TMNT.
You look down, you see a tortoise, Leon. It's crawling towards you. A tortoise? What's that? You know what a turtle is?
But even in a crazy scenario like the movie Ex Machina, where the true test is whether Deckard would fall in love with what he knows is a robot, thereby prove its humanness, it still makes no freakin' sense to assess the humanity of a robot with how human they seem to another robot. Let me tell you about my mother. Even in Ex Machina, they use a human tester. A robot proves essentially nothing, and either way, all the test really achieves is confusing Deckard and causing him to steal their only Nexus 7 prototype and... violating it. Okay, maybe now I'm hoping Deckard is a robot, because it'd be pretty messed up for a human to do that.
Fast forward 30 years, and Deckard is very clearly still alive and deliciously aged. Yum!
Except even the most advanced replicants in 2019 only had 4U lifespans. At the end of Blade Runner, Deckard tells us via voiceover that he thinks Rachel is special and she had an extended lifespan, but it's never proven because Rachel dies in childbirth only two years after Blade Runner. Meaning, either way, she was probably still within that original four-year cycle. Soil samples indicate that she's been buried for 30 years. Alright, let's get super nerdy on some robot sh-t. Happy anniversary. Given what we know about Replicant generations, it wouldn't make sense to give Rachel an extended lifespan.
Nexus 7s like Rachel were given implanted memories to solve how Nexus 6s never live long enough to accumulate enough experiences and memories to form an identity and become emotionally stable. Thanks to her memories, Rachel possesses a sense of self right off the assembly line. The next generation after Rachels, Nexus 8s like Drax, don't appear to have memory implants because they're given full lifetimes to develop memories and identities more or less naturally. Wallace, for his part, reintroduces implanted memories in Nexus 9s like Officer K, specifically to make them more compliant.
I don't retire my own kind because we don't run. There's no generation of Tyrell-era Replicant Deckard could be that would logically make any sense. If he's a 7 or earlier, he couldn't live that long and 8s weren't even out yet. And even if he was magically a 7 with a long lifespan, he'd be only the second ever created, which makes Rachel's Turing Test even more freakin' pointless.
That's like doing a soda taste test, but everybody's drinking mellow yellow. Sure, it's fun, but are we really gaining anything besides type 2 diabetes?
Even super blind super genius Wallace doesn't think Deckard is a Replicant. After Wallace captures Deckard, he causes Deckard to doubt his humanity for fun, but ultimately Wallace tries to gain information by simple coercion. If Deckard is a Replicant, Wallace would open him up and poke around until he discovered it was special about his little penis design that allowed him to procreate with Rachel. But if Deckard is the owner of a normal, boring human dong, there's nothing Deckard offers Wallace besides potentially the locations of Deckard's daughter or the Replicant resistance. What Wallace needs is either the miracle Replicant who gave birth or the miracle Replicant who was born. Deckard's just the useless human idiot who banged a magical robot.
I had the lock. I found the key. Yet the pins do not align. The door remains locked.
But what about that danged origami unicorn? The gist of the scene is that Deckard dreams about unicorns, and the next day Gaff, another Blade Runner who's presumably human, leaves a little origami unicorn outside Deckard's door. The implication is Gaff must know about Deckard's dreams, because Deckard is a Replicant with implanted memories Gaff has accessed, just like how Officer K's memories aren't his own in 2049. And so it's not his fault if sometimes he daydreams about spreading Princess Buttercup over a bed of Maruchan.
Except again, the only Replicant ever given implanted memories by Tyrell are the Nexus 7s that never made it past the prototype stage. Even if Deckard does have implanted memories for some completely unexplained, plot-breaking reason, why would those memories be of a former Blade Runner who's divorced? Who doesn't want to kill robots? That's the most unhelpful backstory since learning the shared names of Batman and Superman's moms. Deckard's origin story should be that Replicants murdered my wife, and I hate Replicants and I will now kill Replicants. Quick, show me Replicants, so that I may kill it. Deckard's memories actually make him less stable and presumably worse at his job. Either Tyrell has no idea what constitutes a positive, constructive backstory, or they somehow thought that moral conflict would make Deckard better at remorseless murder, which I have not found to be true in my career.
Also by the time of the Origami unicorn, Deckard has already learned about implanted memories and explains to Rachel how her memories are false and adapted from Tyrell's niece. It's entirely plausible that when Deckard dreams about the unicorn, he's just dreaming about something he saw earlier that day. I mean, how did Gaff learn about the unicorn? Presumably the two of them learned about these implanted memories at the same time when visiting Tyrell's headquarters. Neither of them had any prior reason to learn what is essentially a trade secret before that visit. Gaff could just be making a joke about that funny unicorn memory he and Deckard saw yesterday.
It's too bad she won't live, but then again, who does?
And even if none of that convinces you, remember, the unicorn scene is only snuck into the director's cut by Scott well after the initial release. The scene isn't even in the original screenplay. If anything, that scene hints humans and robots are just more similar than we know, but again, it goes against a sensible plot to have Deckard explicitly confirmed as a replicant just because Scott decided sci-fi movies need a certain amount of twists to be taken seriously. Literally nobody agrees with Ridley Scott. I don't mean your pothead college roommate. I mean Harrison Ford played the character as human, the original screenwriters like Fancher claim Deckard's written as human, and how in the freaking book the whole thing is based on Deckard is explicitly human. Most of the people who worked on the film agreed the story needs a human center.
Because here's the thing, the list of important human characters is super short. It's basically just Tyrell, Wallace, Gaff, and Princess Buttercup. That's it.
Everybody else, like Rachel, Kay, Anna, Joy, Love, Sapper, Mariette, Leon, Zora, Roy, and Pris are just artificial beings. If the most important human character is secretly a robot, Blade Runner devolves into some kind of crappy filler episode of Westworld where the twist every couple of scenes is surprise, yet another character is actually a robot and double surprise, they look pretty good naked. If Deckard isn't human, then how can the audience really assess questions about what defines humanity? That's like asking, what is being a professional football player all about? But it's in a movie exclusively starring Philadelphia Eagles fans beating each other to death with battery socks. And this is what makes the short story, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, so fascinating and comparatively clear. The issue isn't so much whether or not the Voigt Comp test can detect a robot, but whether it's too good and might spit out false positives for actual humans with lower than normal amounts of empathy. Deckard is clearly human, but because of the test, he struggles with where the line is between robot and human, especially when it comes to people with mental or emotional issues. This mirrors some of the best themes presented by the movies.
Deckard appears to fall in love with Rachel, but can it be true love if she's not human? Does his love for her somehow make her human? Or is what Deckard does with her more akin to sleeping with a body pillow? 2049 attacks this question from an alternate angle. Kay and Joy love each other, but neither are human. Do they share anything real? Does their love provide some sort of heightened existence? These two relationships are natural extensions of each other, but if both Kay and Deckard's romances are just robots loving robots, then we're retreading the ground of the first movie.
Everybody's still drinking mellow yellow.
If there's no distinction between human and robot characters, or if the sneaky director wants us to keep guessing, then there's no comparisons to be made. But if Deckard is a human struggling with his own identity amongst eerily human-like robots, the audience is given an opportunity to compare similarities and differences between Deckard and Rachel and Officer Kay and Joy and consider what makes for life. This is what Blade Runner explores. Is our ability to empathize with turtles and wasps or experience love or make babies enough? Or is there something even deeper that makes us truly human?
And here's the night I dream of cheese. That's so much more compelling than five hours of- Ooh!
Is he like a robot? You better get it up! Alright, so it looks like you passed the part about mellow yellow tasting like sugar spike piss and the section on the best LGN diet for robots and agreed that Ridley Scott's filmography is pretty hair-missed, so you can go. But be sure to see Kathy on your way out for your bonus.
Let's go. Let me bring this home so I can put food in my mouth. Okay. All right. Let's get super no- All right. Let's get sir- Oh my god. |
TheOnion | Black_Part_Of_Town_Moves_Across_Town | Well, it's the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. Today, Pennington's black part of town moved across the river to North Pennington. The Thompson family sold their home on the east side and moved to the old Kirkland Place at 17 Mansfield Place, establishing the all-new black neighborhood. Northside residents are looking forward to the infusion of fun and funk that the new black part of town is sure to bring to their area. The old black part of town has a history going back to 1989. And the Thompson family arrived from Cleveland and moved into the house on Amherst Street. By 1994, the population of the black part of town had already doubled. Longtime visitors to the black part of town say they'll miss one of the last truly authentic neighborhoods in Pennington. Black part of town had style, and then still wore hats there. Now, sure, it could get a little dicey in the black part of town after dark, but that was always part of the fun.
It was the most vibrant, the most exotic, the most colorful area. And whenever I would go, it was like a celebration of life. And they had the best soul food over there ever. Mayor Mitzi Kranowitz presided over the dedication of the new black neighborhood, unveiling a sign designating it a landmark district. It's lovely, everyone.
Pennington's diversity is its strength, whether it's Little Harlem or the so-called Gayborhood, where Paul and his partner, Bryant, have that cottage. Sheriff Stevens today announced that the heavy round-the-clock patrols that helped make the old Thompson House one of the safest neighborhoods in town will move with them. This has nothing to do with the black part of town moving here. We just want to make sure that everyone here has a comfortable place to live. And Blake, have you spent any time in the new black part of town? No, I live in Abbotsford, where there's a place that I can actually get my hair cut. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cheri_oteri_on_dangerous_minds_snl | You know, ever since its release, the film, Dangerous Minds has generated a great deal of controversy. here with a commentary is our own Cheri Oteri. Hi Cheri. thank you, Norm. I recently saw the movie Dangerous Minds, an accurate depiction of the frightening conditions found in classrooms across this country. And isn't it a sad state of affairs when today's young people cannot be left without the supervision of a teacher-slash-policeman for the length of time it takes to build a pipe bomb or to conceive a child? young people cannot seem to focus on. can I help you?
What? I'm not doing anything. what are you looking at? What? I'm looking at you. Well, knock it off. I'm trying to concentrate. Anyway, it seems young people cannot focus on anything that lasts longer than the razzle-dazzle eye candy of an Mtv. What are you staring at? What? maybe I'm enjoying the view.
Is there something wrong with that? come on, Cheri. I know you like me. Molly told me. the ivory-covered walls of academia are crumbling all around us. When did Molly say that?
Ass. Holly.
What? look at this. Oh, my goodness. didn't you look at me?
What's he doing?
Okay, wait a sec. Okay, he's looking over here right now as if his four favorite food groups are Cheri, Cheri, Cheri and Cheri. Don't look. Oh, my God. Okay, oh, my God. Okay, Spade. Okay, wait.
Spade just walked in and he's talking to Norm. what are they saying? I don't know. I can't tell, but they're both looking right over here. Don't look. hey, you guys. right in the middle. right in the middle. you hit us. you're dead. Hey, Cheri, catch. do I look like a good athletic supporter to you? I don't know. it's lined up there, y'all. you guys heading to the cast party later? Why do you want to know? Oh, I don't know. maybe I thought I could get Norm drunk and slow dance with him. Der. yeah, you just want to hear all the little girls say, oh, look, it's being an American. my name's Cheri or Cheri. it rhymes. my name's Cheri or Cheri. shut up. you're looking for a bruise in there, Cheri. Molly. what are you doing at the upgrade desk? I was just. I was just talking to Cheri. she was just. your name Molly? Spade, where are you supposed to be? I was going to head over to wardrobe and get ready for the. get there. Okay. wait. what's this?
Who drew this? I'm going to ask one more time. who drew this? Mr. Michaels, I drew the picture.
Cheri, who are you covering for? All right. nobody knows. maybe by some miracle someone will remember after the show. in the meantime, no cast party. Ah, no. nice, dummy. thanks. thanks a lot. Well, get on with it. So to sum it up, encourage your children to respect their authority figures. they'll thank you in the future. Okay. it's fun to pretend. hey, that's the news, folks. I gotta go. see you later. |
cracked | the_terrifying_truth_about_sesame_street | Welcome! We hope you enjoy these behind-the-scenes surprises about your favorite Sesame Street characters. I find kids and adults are amazed by the process behind Sesame Street. There's no other street like it. The craft might be more magical than the show. This show is the ultimate muppeteering challenge. It took me years to get used to Grover and Elmo. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with Oscar the Grouch. You might not realize that it actually takes two of us to operate Ernie. He's what's called a live hand muppet.
So I operate his head and his left arm, and then Josh operates his right. When I'm in the Big Bird suit, I use my left arm to operate his left arm. I use my right arm to operate his head, right?
And I stay as far away from Oscar the Grouch as possible. Sometimes, when the cameras aren't rolling, Oscar steps out of his trash can. It is a real treat. If you didn't work here, you wouldn't even know he has a human lower half. What most people don't know is that the character known as Cookie Monster actually started as a cheese-eating snack creature in a Canadian commercial. Right. Or that in real life, Oscar has no concept of personal space. The puppets are made of reticulated polyfoam. It's this wonderful, durable, flexible material. And unlike whatever Oscar's made of, it's not radioactive.
Sesame Street took years of development, but there were three things that we knew right away. We wanted to promote literacy through television. We'd make it fun for the whole family with grown-up references.
And we'd work around Oscar. He was already living on the sound stage. Kids love Oscar. Parents love Oscar. Biologists don't know if that's Oscar's penis or if it's, you know, another organism altogether. Here's a design choice most people miss. The younger the Muppet, the bigger we make their pupils. That's how my friend Elmo here has eyes that look so childlike, and how Oscar's eyes haunt every third viewer's dreams. The filming crew has an inside joke, where every so often a member of the crew will go up and offer Oscar a pair of pants.
And he does this hilarious thing where he'll tell them the exact date that they're going to die. He's never been wrong. Most people don't realize that Count's full name is actually Count Von Count. Or that Oscar the Grouch is what standards and practices make us call him instead of... He also goes by Oscar the Katonic Nightmare. So this one time, Oscar the Grouch, he walks into Jim Henson's office and he levitates all of Jim's furniture.
Doesn't say a word and just leaves.
Yeah. Jim was special. The whole show is special. It's timeless. It's an American icon. Most of these Muppets wind up in the Smithsonian for cheese sakes. And now that Sesame Street's on PBS and HBO, I know we'll be changing lives for a long time.
Of course not. It's Sesame Street. Oh! Hey, Oscar! We were just shooting.
Oscar is one of the best characters in the show. He's a fan favorite. He is more than...
Where'd you grow up? A barn? Oscar? Don't make eye contact with him. Where did you grow up? Or don't tell me.
I just want to live. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_the_gay_couple_from_new_jersey_on_being_in_the_military_snl | Here now to offer their perspective on the ending of the military's don't ask, don't tell policy, two gay guys from New Jersey who are in the military. Thank you for being here guys. Now, you've been here before to talk about being gays from New Jersey. Are you here tonight to admit that you're gays in the military?
Oh, not at all. You see, we'd never do that, Seth. if we admitted that, we'd get kicked out. we don't want to get kicked out. we love the army. defending this great land. standing up for freedom. going on missions. You know what the best part of going on missions is, Seth? What? the debriefing. this one. Can't wait to get debriefed. do I? Ooh. so wait. are you guys gay? well, one day I'm military. we'll move into this century, Seth.
But until then, I can only identify myself by name and rank. Private First Class Tony Donato. Whereas, I identify him by his first class privates.
Ooh-ah! oh! ew! I gotta say, the way you guys are acting is gonna make people think you're gay. you know, they can think what they want, but they can't ask. if they want to know, they're gonna have to repeal the discriminatory policy. until then, we're just gonna go about our army business. you know, stripping and cleaning our rifles. polishing our helmets. you know, you should see how shiny he gets it. you can see a reflection in his helmet. Yeah. you love to see your reflection in it. you love it. you love it when it reflects me. ooh-ah. ooh-ah. Ooh.
Guys! Guys, come on. Guys! Guys, no! ooh-ah.
Look, Seth, we may or may not be gay, but we love our country. so much that we're willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. risking life for country? Oh, that too. But I meant wearing khakis! It really seems like you guys might be gay. all I can say is I'm honored to serve in the greatest military on earth. Well, on behalf of everyone here at weekend update, I want to thank you both for your service. thank you very much, and we're going to get back to the base. Oh, yeah, where are you guys stationed? Fort Dix! Ooh-ah! ooh-ah! ooh-ah! ooh-ah! Two guys from New Jersey who are in the military. This is it, you guys. See you. |
cracked | why_more_tv_should_be_like_stranger_things_cracked_responds | Hey, everyone. Hey, I watch stranger things we did and if you haven't seen all of it We might spoil a little of it fair warning if you have seen all of it You're probably like us you were like wow most television shows are very bad, and this was very good What an amazing show that came out of nowhere Netflix Has this weird strategy of advertising some of its shows very much So you know like oranges and black and then they'll just drop these other shows out there and just be like well Let's see how this one does and stranger things. I hadn't heard anything about it all I just happened to turn on Netflix one day and see it there, and I was like oh that looks cool It looks like an old Drew Strouzan poster It's the first time a show has turned up like an email most mystery shows are very bad They like mystery box you and that's all there and like yeah, this one was a complete story They did the exact opposite of like what JJ Abrams would do first of all it's a very short season It's only eight episodes long which yeah, it's crazy that hours. You're in you're out Yeah, and when you go back and watch it the mysteries thought out like they clearly knew what it was gonna be from the Get-go yeah, which is like out a TV story. They knew what it was how amazing okay? So obviously a big talking point about the show is all the 80s stuff They cram all these little 80s references in there by the kids having really improbable posters They aren't whoever runs the Hawkins, Indiana movie poster store right it's like Killing it Mike has the dark crystal radical like yeah, well, and it's awesome, but it's a movie that bombed That would have been a struggle that would have been like his red writer BB gun for Christmas gift Like that would have been the only gift his parents got him because they would have had to scour the goddamn earth The title font is the font from a run of Stephen King's books Yeah, that kind of like moves in those are steps that Stephen King font from some of his books in the 80s Yeah, and then apparently the chapter-heading fonts for each episode are from the original Dungeons and Dragons Manual like that's just what attention to detail. Yeah, just selecting a nice font that also is thematic There's three different movies going on like you have the teens like Nancy and Steve and Jonathan who are in like a straight-up Slasher horror movie where it's like this monster is eating all the teenagers You've got the chief and Winona Ryder who are in like this shadowy government thriller movie And then you got the kids who are just doing eat They're having an ET and it's only when they all sort of come together To combine those movies for the the bigger picture is when they are able to actually each group is able to actually succeed in what they This is the first thing since drive where if you just chill and listen to the soundtrack You kind of suddenly have the vibe of the film. Yeah, like I drove home from drive listening to the drive music I did the same thing. It was amazing.
Yeah now Now i've done the same thing with with stranger things just like on adventures now Yeah, now i'm just i'm hopping on my bike Alex and I rode here on bikes. We're gonna leave on bikes We're gonna have an ET. It's gonna be great.
I hope those kids don't want the bikes back It's a it's a trope from steven king stories where the bullies are just crazy murderers. He's got the crazy bullies in it He's got the crazy bullies in sometimes they come back those movies are both about bullies that kill people Like they just bring casually switch blades to school to kill people Right, it's weird because we have the bullies in this show like the first time we see him It's real like low stakes or like hey They say something vaguely racist they get dust and like hey do the arm thing and he just kind of does like this Double jointed thing like eww and they high five each other. I was like, well that They got they got a pretty light bullying standards And then like two episodes later pulls out a switch blade and tells mike to jump into the canyon to kill himself And other bully really does not have the strength of his convictions. He's just like hey, hey bully friend that I I am opposed to this But also go ahead the bullying when I grew up was just get punched and kicked and teased sometimes But nobody brought a f***ing knife like I would have not made it through elementary school I wouldn't have gone.
Okay, so the hair in this show I feel like Could almost be its own show hawkins indiana is a town with an amazing movie poster store It has a really lovely like hall of records where they find the microfilm. It's like a really great old carnegie Very complete Also, the hairdresser in that town is just clean. It's just killing it Everybody except winona rider has some really choice hair But like she's the one person who's missing out on steve's soaring cathedral of hair He starts out like normal like he's just got like the 70s long hair and then as the series progresses I feel like this is like a fun highlights magazine treat for the viewers his hair gets progressively taller Yeah, I think that's like a prank that they're doing Like let's see how how how taller we can stack this On his head Anyone says anything and nobody ever said anything because they never stopped and barb also has bar barbs got solid great glasses Great and uh is the character I would have been in that era I think most of us who are fans of stranger things would have probably been barb barbs blown up on like tumblr and facebook The most memed character of this show we feel for barb because she's just got nothing She's just telling nancy to stop.
She's like doing that You're you're kind of you're kind of screwing up and then nancy like drags her along with which is like standard Teenager behavior. It's like you force your friend to go to a party that they don't really want to go to we've all Most of us have probably either done that or have that had done to us. Yep second one in nancy's defense Usually that doesn't end with somebody being killed by a monster, but that's totally what happens in stranger things She's also sitting on that dive board That's like the one place in hawkins indiana where if you get sucked to the upside down you can't escape You're just in a pit where you're gonna get eaten upside down booger tree world Everyone in town is like oh, yeah, of course. She was unhappy and ran away Like no one really investigates right this model student who has like a nice friendship Of course, she caught a bus and ran away. Look at her look at her glasses. Look at her terrible slacks Yeah, there's there are multiple assemblies for will buyers.
Yeah, will goes missing everybody loses their minds like nobody gives a Kind of one of the only Plot hole ish moments I noticed in the show is nancy goes back to the house She she goes back to steve's house She starts poking around the backyard looking for barb and the monster like, you know comes scuttling by and she's like oh You know plain strident demon and he wasn't there to ambush her or else he would just grab her Because that's what he does all the rest of the times. Yeah, so what was the monster doing? Just hanging out in the woods behind steve's house. I don't know Maybe he got like the rest of steve's leftover beers and was just shotgunning him in the woods back there Maybe he was more scared than nancy was maybe he was like, oh trying to hide the Right fact that he's been drinking since 10 a.m The season ends wraps up its story But there's also still some threads because it is a show and it's we're gonna have and what happens next season Will's coughing up slugs.
He seems like he's like resigned to it Like he's like, yeah, what are you gonna do popper made some kind of deal with with the creepy feds And he's leaving food for el probably it's got to be el right? It probably is Yeah, because there's because the box has snow on top of it, which means it's been there for a while But also it's empty which means somebody's been taking the food out of it. So he's been taking the food So probably el yeah, I I hope it's just this good.
I hope these duffer brothers fellas just like keep channeling steven king and steven spielberg and Steve's hair and just combining the powers of the steves. Yeah all the form great shows Thank you guys so much for watching in the comments Talk about steve's hair, man. Yeah, where's it gonna go? Yeah, how high can I get what new direction? Is steve's hair gonna go in on season two? What will steve's hair's journey be? in season two of stranger things I can't wait. Yeah I hope if he goes into the upside down i'll bet he has like regular hair like that's the depressing part of the He's just like eisenhower here because his hair is too wonderful to exist there |
Wizards_with_Guns | we_built_a_giant_microwave_for_when_we_re_cold | Are you tired of freezing your tits off? Do you suffer from being chilled to your very bone? Are AC companies bending you over the barrel just for a crumb of heat? Blankets are too hard. Sweaters make you sweat. And fires are just too dang hot. Melt away all your problems and more with Bing Microwave for when you're cold!
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We haven't used it ourselves. But we know it works. We cooked a horse. Ahh!
Bing Microwave for when you're cold isn't just for when you're cold. You can also cook in it. Or use it as a regular old microwave.
Soup's on. Actually, my soup's gone.
But the air's nice and damp. You could use it as a sauna. Soup sauna.
And if you order now, you'll get our keypad operator Terry for free. You'll literally own him. He'll be your slave. A micro slave. I'm just happy to be a part of something. Now, we know what you're thinking.
Once I buy Bing Microwave for when you're cold, how do I move Bing Microwave for when you're cold? This big microwave for when you're cold is just too big. For when you're cold?
Fear not! For easy transport, this baby's got wheel. Oh, and did we forget to mention?
Bing. Bing Microwave for when you're cold has four easy modes. Bing. Cozy, toasty, off. Bing, stop.
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Mexico, I'm trying to sell this big microwave. Listen to what you're saying, Bing. Big Microwave for when you're cold? We need to finish the commercial. What commercial? Look around.
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You gotta wake up, Bing. But for when you're cold. Bing, you gotta wake up. But for when you're cold. Wake up, Bing. Bing, wake up! Aah! Bing, wake up! Bing!
So cozy. Terry, how long was he in here? I don't know. Probably like four seconds. Four?
Please like, subscribe, leave a comment, hit the notification bell, and check out our Patreon. I love you.
We haven't tried it ourselves, but we know it works. We cooked a horse.
Gone are the days to try. Don't laugh. |
SaturdayNightLive | netflix_live_promo_jeannie_darcy_snl | They're ready for you. Have you guys heard of this tiktok thing? the only tiktok I hear is my biological clock. Don't get me started. don't even get me started.
Jeannie Darcy, selective startage. No one brings it like Jeannie Darcy. And this time, the Darcenate is live, which means you're hearing her jokes at the same time she's telling them instead of being able to stream it later at your convenience, which is the reason most people get Netflix. Jeannie Darcy shows no mercy.
I had a bra fitting the other day. I tried one on and had a fit. men must design these things. Has anyone ever seen a jock strap with underwire?
Am I right, lady Friends? You get my 411? Do Not even think of getting me started. Jeannie Darcy is a legend. that girl inspired a whole generation of lesbian comedians. she's not a lesbian. Say what now? Jeannie Darcy takes no prisoners. my friend got a dog and always complains that he messes up her house and jumps in her bed. I said, are you sure it's a dog or is it my ex-husband? who's with me?
Don't get me started. don't even get me started. Oh, my God. Jeannie is awesome. she even gave me her checklist. I just got one of those new Tesla Electric cars. I couldn't get it started. Don't get me started. Jeannie Darcy, selected Startage. streaming live tonight. Don't even get me started. Thanks for watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | herb_welch_falling_ice_snl | You're watching Wspd News, New York. Good morning, everyone. I'm Jack Rizzoli. and I'm Wanda Ramirez. Our top story today,: residents of an Upper East Side co-op are outraged this morning after management failed to remove dangerous falling ice from the outside of the building. veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebrating his 71st year with the Station, is on the scene. Hello, Herb. hello, Jack.
Now, tell us, Herb, what is the mood? Where you are? Well, they changed the 8 a.m. service to a Spanish mess, so I'm not doing too well. No. no, not your mood, Herb. not your mood, Herb. I'm asking, how are the residents of that building? I've got some lady. uh, who are you? My name is Cynthia Coraline Aranoitz. pick a name. All right, what happened?
Ever since the storm, melting icicles have been falling onto the street, and I was almost hit on my way to work.
What are you, a cigarette girl? No, I don't smoke.
Look, this ice is dangerous, and no one is doing anything about it. Well, there you have it. you got a bikini, but I call it too far.
Back to you, Jack. No, Herb. Herb, stay on topic, Herb. Okay? what? stay on topic.
You know, ask your source if anyone's been injured or something like that. don't direct me, you ty-rack. All right, hey. hey. who's injured? No one. thank God. it's only a matter of time before someone is hurt or worse. You think this Bela Fonte kid ought to, you know, pipe down?
Herb? Herb, have residents lodged a formal complaint with the co-op board? Oh, this lady. Herb! Herb, Ask Herb. shouldn't you be changing hotel linen somewhere? No. No, Herb. Herb, Wanda is a respected journalist. Now, ask the question.
Oh, you stink on ice. Look, our co-op President is right over there, and she has repeatedly ignored our requests. she even sent a memo telling us not to speak with reporters. See, that is slander! I've done nothing of the sort! All right, and that's the news. for Gi Radio, this is private Herbie Welch reminding you to keep your socks dry. No, no, no, No.
No, Herb, Herb, do the story. Do it. do the story, Please. I'll do this.
Tell me, sir, how's it feeling like you've been to all this? Yeah, I'm a woman. woman, Well, let me see.
Herb? Herb? no. no, come on. Herb? Oh, man. come on. don't worry, man. there's always a life in the church. dinosaur? get away from me. Hey, no, come on, Herb. Herb!
That guy attacked me. Well, you know, Herb, maybe it's time you look into retirement. he talked to me like that again. I'll have my secretary, Amilda, fire off a memo. No, Amilda's not your secretary, Herb. she's your nurse. that woman is mean to me.
Well, I don't blame her. you son of A. No. All right, just cut away. just cut away, please. Okay. as always, we apologize to you in the Hispanic and unattractive communities.
Up next, Occupy Wall Street enters its third month.
Oh, but first, some sad news. we've just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Herb, seen here with his protege, Andy Rooney, had been in ill health for some time. we go there now. Yeah, can we get a body removal? we have an elderly dead body. Eat, Mike Fonzie. this man is awful. Herb Welch lives. just terrible. can't we fire him? ha ha ha. |
SaturdayNightLive | joseph_jackson_saturday_night_live | Since 2020 aired the Michael Jackson interview Thursday night, there's been an enormous public response here, commenting for the first time since the interview is Michael Jackson's father, Joseph Jackson. Hi, Tina. hi, Jimmy. thank you for letting me have my say. of course. Now, Mr. Jackson, what did you think about Michael's interview?
It was ridiculous. Tina, people said I was crazy because I named my son Tito. that freaker do name this kid blanket. what's he going to name his next kid? sleeping bag? So you don't approve of the way Michael is raising his children? It's ridiculous. those kids got it too easy. they need to get jobs. but the oldest one is only five. Well, boo-hoo. Let me tell you, all my kids had full-time jobs. by the time they were five, and if they didn't like it, they could talk to my belt. I still used my belt on all my kids, except for Marlon because he got a bad back, and not Latoya or Michael, Because I swear for God, those two scared of me, Jesus out of me. one time, I mean, one time, I was sleeping on my own gold plated, lazy boy chair, and Latoya and Michael peeped over the headrest at me, and I thought for a minute, I was being attacked by glow-in-the-dark vampire bats.
I like to say I almost crapped my drawers. So you did crap your drawers, that was going on?
Don't you sass me, Jimmy Fallon. don't do it. I'll put you over my knee and beat you to Candy, come out. Well, thank you for being here, Mr. Jackson. don't you tell me when To leave. I will leave when I damn well feel like leaving, And I feel like leaving now. Jermaine, get the car. Joe Jackson, Everybody. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_professor_kate_williams | Henry didn't get arrested after he killed his first wife, did he? What sort of mistakes did the Tudor police make that led him to kill again?
In the Middle Ages, did they know it was the Middle Ages or did they just think, this is now? You know, how did they know that they were halfway through time? They thought this is now and they thought they're incredibly advanced, this is the greatest moment that society would reach to.
It'd be amazing if we wanted to get someone, get a Tudor back that we could resuscitate, cryogenically or something, and then show him what had happened since he'd died. It would blow his mind, wouldn't it? It would.
The internet. Google.
Cars, aeroplanes. Fitbit watches. Fitbits.
So what was wassailing? Is that like a sort of bit like bants now? What's bants? Bants, it's like when someone's acting like a prick. Oh, really?
What it is, is basically a group of people, usually a group of men, go around from house to house with a big bowl of drink and they knock on your door and they sing songs and the idea is that you're going to swap a drink from their bowl for a gift. So it was a bit like trick or treating then, was it? It was very like trick or treating. I mean, what sort of costumes would they do? Because they were already sort of covered in shit, weren't they? With like slugs on them and mud and everything. They didn't usually wear costumes. It was also a way of creating community cohesion, going from house to house. It was something that was supposed to be fun as well. So that's really the very early beginnings of going from house to house singing carols.
Henry created the Church of England, didn't he? Did he have to find a British pope? He didn't need to find a British pope. You could just have bishops. You can just use the bishops and people that you've got in there already. If you had to find a British pope now, who would you go for? You couldn't use the Archbishop of Canterbury? No, you have to have someone else. Some of them without the church?
Yeah, like Matt Baker off The One Show. Um, so Matt Baker off The One Show?
He's not an obvious choice, you see, that's why I think he'd be good. But the more you think about it, the more it makes sense.
Where did Father Christmas come from? Father Christmas comes from St Nicholas and he is a fourth century Greek saint and bishop and he was very renowned for giving presents to the poor and particularly he gave presents to these three girls.
If he hadn't given them the money, they would have had to go off and be prostitutes. So why was he knocking about with these prostitutes? I don't think he knew them very well, it's just that they... Well, well enough to give them gifts. I don't, I don't think, I think he just wanted to save them from the horrors of, I think because basically... They all say that, don't they? They do.
How come shops have Father Christmases but they don't have Jesuses? Is Jesuses the right term? Is it Jesusi or... I think we'd say figures of Jesus. Figures of Jesus? I think that Father Christmas himself would probably have preferred there to be figures of Jesus because in fact there is a medieval story.
Saint Nicholas got in a punch up about whether or not God or Jesus was greater and was thrown into prison. So he was obviously very exercised about the purity of religion. It's all coming out, isn't it? You know, because like I didn't know that he used to hang about with prostitutes or get into fights. Now I'm feeling less happy with him coming down my chimney. |
dropout | derrick_wink | Hey, hey! Oh, hey, Falvo. It's me, Falvo, the wink! Yeah, that's great, Falvo.
What's wrong? It's as if the many moons of Galdor have filled your heart with sadness. Falvo, I was telling some of my friends at school about you. They made fun of me.
They said there's no such thing as winks. Oh, they are non-believers. Winks are real.
I'm not some guy who broke into your home. I'm a wink, okay? I'm a mythical being. We make pins! Ow! Yeah, I know. Sister, the other day you said you were going through the light portal in my closet. When I opened the door a couple of hours later, you were just asleep on the ground. David, you know this. Us winks cannot go through the light portal unless we are properly rested. And I was just taking a nap, okay? Look. Okay, look, I'm a wink, all right? I'm not some guy who found a pair of elf ears in a box behind a comic book store, okay? I'm not trying to take over your home without resistance. I'm a wink, okay?
I have shoes made of tightly bounded grass. Look, you gave this to me and said it was the map to the Forgotten Forest. This is just the back of an old popcorn box. Well, this can't be a map of the Forgotten Forest. All maps of the Forgotten Forest are written on the skin of an unk. This is cardboard. That's just cardboard.
Yeah. Yes.
What's with all the doubt? Have you been talking to those evil jub-jugs? No, I haven't. And you didn't even tell me what a jub-jub is.
They're pretty much unks. Watch out, Finn! Ow! There was pornography all over the floor in my room. I got in trouble. Look, I'm a wink, okay? What better way to show other winks how male and female humans reproduce than interracial pornography, okay?
You told me I can't go in my closet. I want to get me in my closet.
No! Wait! No! Wait!
I'm a wink, all right? David, I'm not some interracial porn-loving legless hobo who was raised in an orphanage in Kansas under the name Francis McKinnon, fell in love with one of the nuns that raised her and started a family in eastern Kentucky, acquiring a gambling debt with the local Mexican mafia, came home to find my house and family torched in a terrible arson, killed two family members of the mafia, found refuge in Louisiana after the chaos of Hurricane Katrina, found enough money in a flooded home to get here, saw you mowing your lawn, and reminded me of my dead son, Louis, decided to become your new father and slowly poisoned your real father, snuck into your house periodically to talk to you, thus assuming the role of father figure and trying to impregnate your mother while she sleeps. That's not, that's not happening, okay? I'm a wink, David!
Our urine has bits of gold in it. But yesterday you said there were bits of gold in your saliva.
Watch out, Penn. Sleep, my prince. I'm gonna go have sex with your mom now, but don't worry. I'll be back tomorrow to knock you out. |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_new_boss | So, as you guys know, I haven't really been around much lately, um...
John Mayer's not gonna assist himself, is he? IS HE?!
No, of course not. Probably not.
So I think it's about time somebody be promoted to the boss character. Thanks Rick, I'll take it from here. I think I'm gonna play a different kind of boss character, tone it down a little, a little more subdued. Rich, are you goddamn joking, Jeff? Jeff is too short to be the boss character. You need someone tall. Your new boss character, right here.
Sit down, Nathan. Streeter. Well... I have a lot of real... Guys, settle down. I've decided to bring in somebody from the outside. Everyone I'd like you to meet, Hollywood actor, Branch Windward. Just roll it up, that's what you do, guys.
Super excited to be here at College or Die. Which one is it gonna be, huh?
My agent's assistant actually binged the balls out of you guys. Really funny, seeing you in Star Wars and Bloop Blop and I've seen you in like everything without your beard and with your beard.
Ricky, are you serious? We've been acting here for three years. If anyone deserves this part, it's us. You've been acting? Right?
You should be an actress. You're a model. You're a beautiful model that smells like a model.
I wanna smell your inside. Wow, that's disgusting.
Guys, Branch has played six different boss characters. Yeah. He can do incompetent, selling clothing.
Where am I? Oh, here I am. Brazen. Oh, there I am.
He can do it all. That's a French steward slip and slide party.
Yeah. And down here. Let's get... And then you know what I want. Let's get shooting. Yeah, let's get shooting. You and me first. Where do you wanna go? And... Action.
Well, Streeter called this meeting, so why doesn't he start?
Sure. As you guys know, I'm thinking about joining a cheesecake. Well, this is a take. Sparky, this is a take. Yeah, yeah.
I didn't get fluffed. I'm super semi right now.
Are people gonna know that? And set and... Okay, here we go. Here we go. Ready? And are you ready? And... All right, and...
Action. Sparky. Well, Streeter called this meeting, so I think he should start. Sure. As you guys know, I'm thinking about joining a...
You've seen the shot, though. You seen the shot?
And... Action. Well, Streeter called this meeting, so I think he should start, actually. Okay. As you guys know... This is me, actually. I was telling you. Hello. Wow. Should I do this more? What do you think? That's an iPod. I know.
Act from here, though. Do you see we're acting? You're acting from here? Act from here.
Ready? And action. I got you, and action.
Streeter, I don't think that... Ugh. Streeter, I don't... I got it. Action. Streeter, I don't think that...
Line. Slowly.
Feed it to me. If any of that paper touches you, I'm ripping off your pew. No, you made that clear.
Sing a Britney Spears song while you do it. I'm not gonna sing. Sing the snake Britney Spears song that has the word snake in it.
Oh. In that case, um... If you're gonna use two staples, just use one.
I didn't do it, I didn't do it, I didn't do it. |
cracked | two_men_in_a_race_against_time_trapped_inside_a_trailer | One man above the law Hitler Hitler your article tomorrow. It's just a picture of Hitler.
There are no words there What's that? Well, I was trying to hack your dog back to life, but I think I hit a firewall Oh also, I killed your dog one man stricken by loss. How's that? Huh? What?
I gotta, I gotta, so... Now he and his partner are marked for death.
Do you not hear that? Hear what? Oh sky voice.
He's been here man. Dan and Mike are on deadly ground, out for a kill and half past dead. Is it half past dead already?
Sounds like a trailer voice. A really bad trailer voice.
I don't know. I am above the law. Yeah and marked for death and like six other Steven Seagal movies, the sky... Two men with nothing to lose who have never even studied trailers professionally So they shouldn't even talk because they don't even know are on a flight of fury and under siege. Two... Dark Derek. How can we be on a flight and deadly ground? I have plenty to lose, so...
Wait, we don't have to, just cause he's sad, right? Find out, November 9th. No, we better not find out. We're never gonna find out, not fuck you.
fuck you? That's... You know what? fuck you. What the shit is this now? shit, the music's swelling.
Things are gonna get really choppy here in a second. It's just the ladies and gentlemen. We're both gentlemen.
Someone called me a fag. I had to fight myself. Oh, the internet. I worked there. It was exhausting. I knew all my moves. More like a hand beauty.
What? Shut up. Stop following me. Best friends threesome. Oh, she hung up.
I like combining my man parts with those of a child. Hey Dan, there's porn. Oh my god, why does it look like that? I'm a bisexual harassment. You mean my junk in your front. Classic. Vintage me.
Are you even listening? Not really, but it sounds awful. You'll be fine. Or you won't. Whatever. This is boring.
Drum roll, please.
I'm sorry, were you gonna talk? No. What? No. Yeah. And usually you're all... And symbols. What?
No!
So let me close this window. Yeah, I think I see how this is gonna go. Tip. Oh, okay. I think we're in the clear. Agents of crack! Coming this fall. I'm so sorry. So... So do we switch now or what's the deal? How you like me now, butthole. |
cracked | tonya_harding_and_nancy_kerrigan_the_high_school_years | All right, kids, who's here? Tanya? Here. Jeff? Here. Shawn? Here. Connie? I am here. Christy? Hi.
And Nancy. Where's Nancy? That was beautiful, Nancy.
Oh my God. Jeff is so cute. Look at all those layers. Isn't there exists? Is he? Oh my God. He's moving his eye flat. It is, Jeff.
Not bad at Tanya. Any time you're ready, Tanya.
Huh. Violence.
Can you win you a 1994 Olympic medal in figure skating?
We don't know, because we've never tried.
I would never do this, because I am confident in my abilities. I don't need violence to know I'm the best, but if violence could really hit that point hard, I still wouldn't do it. Violence is bad.
I think everyone should be nice to each other and feed snickerdoodles to orphans, Evian, Reebok sponsorship. Ugh.
Boys, counterpoint. I think. Uh-huh. Wait, you hit? It's funny. Boy for the boys, hitting is funny.
I'm going to write that one down. That's very good.
Anyways, back to violence. Campbell's Soup. Anti-violence. Sponsors me.
You don't need violence, even if you and your friend have like a Jackie and Marilyn thing going. Or a Jackie and Jackie's less hot friend thing going. It doesn't mean you should hit your friend with a crowbar, even if you can get away with it.
Great point, Tanya. That's very specific.
Do you think crows invented crowbars? Also good. I have a knife, and I'm giving this one to the boys.
Violence is the answer. What? It is fine. No, Tanya, it's not fine. We're not losers. We don't lose. Violence is the answer. It's true, it's marching on. |
SaturdayNightLive | mtv_skins_saturday_night_live | You're watching Mtv. shut up. what's up? I'm the head of programming at Mtv. impressed much? Well, you should be, because I'm the genius behind our new sexy teen show, Skins. Now, some people are upset or whatever because we showed, like, a bunch of fourth graders having sex and doing heroin or something.
I don't know. I haven't seen it, you know, because I'm bad at my job.
Anyway, because of all the controversy and child porn laws we broke, we've lost a lot of sponsors. you know, we lost Foot Locker. we lost Subway sandwiches. So good. And we lost Wrigley, like The Field, I guess. And we lost L'oreal. you know, French Oreos. So, guess what, though? it's mine. So, guess what, though? we had to get some way worse sponsors. they couldn't afford commercials, but they could afford some sweet product placement.
So, check it out on Skins. Cool party. Yeah. Sexy. Yeah, we should probably take our shirts off. yeah, we should.
But first, let's enjoy some of this Kennedy Fried Chicken. Kennedy Fried chicken? that looks sexy.
What's a bucket? like 50 bucks? Trying Nine bucks. And that includes 12 hot pieces of chicken, a steamy biscuit, and some slutty mashed potatoes. Whoa. all for nine bucks? That leaves plenty of extra money to buy cocaine. Speaking of which, cool cocaine. Oh, you mean this awesome stuff?
Nah. this is Jenkins Stank Ass Foot Powder. Got stank Ass feet? Reach For Stank Ass Foot Powder.
So sexy. Yeah. hey, Cassie. hey, Trent. should we do it three-way? Yeah.
But first, where'd you get that new car we saw you pull up in? you mean my 2003 Corolla? It's not new, but it's as good as new. thanks to Walter Toyota. Walter Toyota. since 1991. Walts in with a little money. Walts out with a fabulous, gently used car. at Walter Toyota. just hearing about used cars makes me hella horny. hey, you underage hotties. make that a four-way.
Whoa. you're hot. Yeah. where'd you get that hot sweater? Where else? The sweater dump near Route 25. it's where people go to dump their sweaters.
So what are we drinking? Ah, only the best. Jose Cortez scented rubbing alcohol. look for the bottle with the cartoon duck on the front. goes perfect with Clamado brand clam juice and a lime from the new fruit section of Cp Wang Bodega, conveniently located under the on-ramp to the Queensborough Bridge. Cp Wang. we sell fruit now. Mm, sexy. we should all have sex. Oh, do you have condoms? Oh, only the best. Trapper Mcgee's squirrel skin condoms. it's like having sex with a squirrel skin. that sounds great for young vaginas. speaking of young vaginas, have you guys heard about all this stuff about Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi? Yeah, it sounds totally bogus. it is, and you can find out the truth at www.berlusconiisinnocente.net. Cool. yeah, this is a cool party. let's take our clothes off. I'm 12. scans. so there it is. from Great Britain through a Transatlantic sewer pipe direct to your children. Mtv. the M stands for. aaargh! |
TheOnion | country_music_stars_challenge_al_qaeda | If you're a fan of country music, it's likely you've already heard of this new number one song by a group of country music's biggest stars. Brian Scott has the story. Those terrorists tried to get us, drop them planes from out the sky. But it didn't stop America when them New York people died. Wayne McMurtry is the hard-rocking, platinum-selling king of country music, and Tanya Bertram is America's chart-topping southern sweetheart. But these days, they have something important on their minds. I think there's a sentiment that's been brewing in this country for a long time.
We're trying to tell the terrorists that no matter what kind of pain they try to inflict on New York City, we can handle it. We can withstand that. Yeah. So bring it on, on summer. I mean, he could just reduce New York City to a pile of rubble. It ain't gonna affect us much. Airplanes, missiles, nukes, and bombs, nine to eleven times the chance.
I guess I'd like to say, nice trial, son, maybe you should try again. I dare you. Bring it on, out of the sky, like the fourth of July. When it came time to record the song, McMurtry and Bertram sought the help of some of country's biggest stars. The proceeds will be donated to charities. The message, of course, is what I love. And I do think that maybe if everybody in New York was killed, it would bring the country together.
The water supply ain't guarded. There's a valve at 45th and 9th. Through which you could easily introduce hemorrhagic fever toxins into the municipal water supply. Through an inland pumping substation.
I think anyone who's a real American would love this song. I think it should be our new national anthem, you know, played all the time. A message sure to resonate with people everywhere, both here and overseas. For the Onion News Network, I'm Brian Scott. Thanks, Brian. It's great to see people coming together for a common cause. |
dropout | She_s_Terrible_and_She_OWNS_It | Ms. Seabird interviewing here is a dream come true. I have been dying to work for a female-driven brand. Yes! That is what Seabird is all about, empowering women and selling them makeup. And can I just say, as one of the few female CEOs of a global company, you're like my role model. Thanks, Queen. Honestly, it is amazing to be an inspiration to young girls everywhere. The key to success is to know who you are and own it. Okay, so you definitely have the qualifications for our rock star assistant position. Ms. Seabird, this is your 315 lemonade.
I hope the ice is better. I said good ice!
So for start date, um... Sorry, um, who was that? Oh, that was Carla, our rock star intern. One day she's going to be a bitch CEO.
And I'm not just saying that because she's my niece. Why did you berate her, though? I'm malicious, and I own it. Sorry, you own... Who I am, what I do, terrorizing my employees, and I'll never apologize. Because I woke up like this, flawless. I don't want to overstep, but we do have to apologize sometimes. Like, for example, she was crying. Okay, well, I'm just being me. I can't be responsible for how people react to me, so... Don't take this the wrong way, but I thought you were a feminist. Of course I am.
Let me ask you a question. Who run this mother? Girls? Girls! Yeah, you just keep bringing up sort of pop culture stuff that doesn't exactly... I love Katy Perry, and all women, so I don't know what the problem is with that herself. Miss Seabird, I have your 3-16 lunch ready.
What the hell did I tell you about wearing red? You look like a ketchup bottle. You're fired. What the hell?
She was a really good employee, and a new mom.
Says I'm sorry. Not sorry!
In all the press you do, you talk about what an amazing workplace this is for women, but you're a straight-up abusive boss. Yeah, you just mask it in these feminist catchphrases.
Sure, I'm tough. Sure, I'm demanding. Sure, I lied to my shareholders.
But Seabird is an amazing workplace for women. You know why?
Mimosa Tuesdays. Every Tuesday, we have free mimosas.
One sec. You ask me?
Oh, you're being hysterical. I'm not sleeping with your husband. You're my best friend. You're not... Before you jump to any conclusions, I am sleeping with my best friend's husband, and I own it! You're a bad friend, too.
So in some ways, we're like a global corporation, but in others, we're like a start-up. No paid family leave, but free mimosas!
Wow. You are... Thanks! Whatever you're going to say, I own it. I was going to say that you're a monster, and you acting like this is somehow good for women is sending us all back, okay?
I don't think I should work here. In fact, I don't think anyone should work here.
You're completely unfit to lead. But I'm spineless, and I own it.
So I'll see you Monday. Oh, yes you will, and you'll never leave. Oh, that's not good. I'm your mom now. Hey, it's Lily.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five, five times one. |
TheOnion | the_onion_reviews_star_wars_the_force_awakens | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be discussing Star Wars, The Force Awakens, the long-awaited seventh episode in the beloved science fiction series, and one that sadly can never come close to the life-changing experience of the original Star Wars, A New Hope, the film I lost my virginity to in 1977. Building on the expansive universe established by George Lucas, The Force Awakens is certainly a rich, visually impressive addition to the Star Wars saga, yet nothing here conjures the same feelings of sheer, giddy excitement as A New Hope, a movie that my eleventh-grade classmate Vanessa Brier and I found ourselves watching at the Route 37 drive-in one sweltering July night. We all remember the sense of breathless anticipation when the original's title crawl first appeared alongside John Williams' iconic score.
In my cramped Toyota Chaser, the anticipation between Vanessa and I was building for another reason. Finally, after an awkward pause that seemed to last forever, our mouths met, hungrily. And as Obi-Wan Kenobi said, these aren't the droids you're looking for, I realized that my passage into manhood was at hand.
Of course, few can blame even a skilled filmmaker such as Abrams for failing to produce moments as iconic as the scene in the Mos Eisley Cantina, a backdrop which quickly disappeared behind my Toyota's fogged-up windows as I ran my trembling hands beneath Vanessa's t-shirt. Likewise, Abrams' action scenes were always going to feel somewhat underwhelming compared to the heart-racing thrill of seeing the Millennium Falcon escape from Tatooine through the space between my bare legs as I struggled to pull my Levi's over my ankles. Are there flaws in A New Hope that nostalgia leads us to overlook? Perhaps. Yet, despite, or perhaps because of these flaws, A New Hope's singular imagery endures in ways I can't imagine The Force Awakens ever will.
I can still vividly recall the look of tender surprise on Vanessa's face when I achieved orgasm after several minutes of slow thrusting. Moments after Luke, Leia, and their crew narrowly escaped from the monster in the Death Star's trash compactor, I worried I might have disappointed her. But soon enough, she had her arms wrapped around me, and we stayed that way, silently embracing each other, even as the Rebels plotted their final attack. In the moments that followed, our naked, adolescent bodies bathed in the glow of the exploding Death Star, I saw the world as a new place, bigger, brimming with wonder and possibility. Vanessa and I broke up a few weeks later, but still, we'll always have those fond memories from the original Star Wars. And while the new film will never hold the same special meaning for me, I can't help but hope that there's a teenager at a drive-in right now, watching The Force Awakens and experiencing his own sexual awakening as the charred mask of Darth Vader looks on from the big screen.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | five_reasons_james_bond_might_be_the_worst_spy_ever_after_hours | Oh, sorry, you want one? Why? So I don't get crushed. Twist of faith though, I sat on my sunglasses in the car and broke them. Life, right?
The suit. You've been wearing it around all day and the only thing you've said about it is that you have something to take care of after work. Aha, well, laundry. I have to do laundry. Did I not say that? So you wore a tuxedo? Yeah, it's laundry day. What am I gonna do, wear my worst clothes?
I hate to admit it, but you kind of got a bond thing going on right now. Yeah, I see it. Reckless, impulsive, accidental blow up of things. Give me all your jewels, money pussy. And there it goes. Fine, I don't care. Bond's a hole. An asshole. See, I can't tell when you're just trying to make me mad anymore.
Again, I have to be the only one who defends an altruistic crime-fighting hero. License to kill, he sets a guy on fire. Michael, don't do this. You're wearing a tuxedo, don't spoil it. You ever notice how James Bond can never just kill a guy?
He's also got to blow up five boats, or crash a helicopter into a building, or destroy half the city. He just jaunts around to exotic locales and shoots some of their police or scientists, destroys some of their national monuments, and then bolts, doing a great job of reminding everyone that MI6, a secret organization, both exists and should be hated. Name one time he's ever just quietly done his job like a professional. Who cares how much damage he's doing? He's stopping worldwide crises constantly. In the Bond world, he's doing far more good than harm. I mean, you have to look at this objectively. Objectively, he's a drunk whose job is to fire weapons in crowded areas and operate a ton of different vehicles, most of which he's never even seen before. Have to wonder how much better he'd be at his job and constantly boozing it up and sleeping with enemy women. For information. Like 50% of the time, he bones just as many ladies recreationally. And then he gets all kind of compromised trying to protect them. If you tallied up the bill for how much destruction he does and the weapons technology that goes into making all of his gadgets, you really have to think, is it worth it stopping all of these villains?
We just saved a whole lot more money if we would have just gave Blofeld what he demanded. And then England would have had enough leftover for, hey, nobody died party. OK, great. Why don't we just start feeding wild animals from car windows from now on? That sounds fine.
No, we're not. It's the same reason we don't negotiate with terrorists.
You're just encouraging bad behavior and incentivizing assholes to hit you up for more every single time. If MI6 started paying the millions of dollars that these villains asked for, then they'd be letting bad guys control the entire economy of England, essentially turning the invisible hand of the market into a fist. Is he implying that all animals are evil, the wild ones, or that all fists are? I don't know. I refuse to follow metaphors. Most of the bad guys aren't even doing it for money in the first place. They are doing it for the power. We're talking about people who would destroy all the crops and livestock on the planet, or blow up entire countries, or nuke the entire earth and restart civilization under the sea. That one never made a lot of sense. But the point is, these are super villains, and Bond succeeds at stopping them every goddamn time.
Michael, what the hell did you do to your suit? It's my laundry day suit. It wouldn't make a lot of sense if I put it in the laundry.
What it? Gross.
But Bond doesn't succeed every goddamn time. There's a theory that the reason the actors keep changing is because James Bond is a codename like Jason Bourne. So every time one James Bond retires or gets killed, a new one just comes in and takes his place. Daniel Craig Bond even says they have a short shelf life.
That would explain why the reputes take place now instead of in the 60s. Yeah, and George Lazenby's Bond even says, what never would have happened to the other fella? He's clearly talking about Connery. You've been sitting on that Lazenby this entire time?
Who knows how many missions we don't see? I mean, how many Bonds are killed because they're hungover during a shootout or because they decide to fly a blimp while smoking a cigarette? Between every successful mission, there could be a whole pile of Bond bodies.
Although, it makes you wonder why MI6 keeps hiring guys like this in the first place. OK. Maybe because that's exactly the type of guy that they want. MI6 needs someone who's just self-destructive enough to throw themselves into an astounding amount of danger. Maybe.
Rigs from Lethal Weapon would make an awesome James Bond. Right, right, Bonds drink and womanize and drive cars upside down on frozen lakes and crash boats into weddings because they know they've got the lifespan of a Mayfly. And MI6 tolerates it because they know that that's exactly the kind of loose cannon that you booze up and toss into your enemy base with a bunch of weapons like a drunken man grenade. And Money Penny, the only woman who won't have sex with James Bond because she already knows exactly how this is going to play out.
Aw, it makes all the scenes where they flirt so much sadder now. It's the most thankless job in the world. The Bonds don't do it for the renown. They do it to save the world for everyone else and then just disappear into obscurity or into an unmarked grave.
No names, no glory, just fucking. Just fucking.
It's impossible that they're all different Bonds because the George Lassby Bond gets married and on Her Majesty's Secret Service. And at the end of that movie, his wife dies. And then two movies later, it's the Roger Moore Bond. He's mourning her at her grave, which clearly says Tracy Bond. And then the villain who killed her gets killed by the Roger Moore Bond by dropping him to a smokestack with a helicopter because they're all exactly the same martini-drinking-ass-kicking-world-saving-PP9-packing Bond.
All right. OK, but the idea that James Bond is a code name makes a whole lot more sense than the other way around.
I mean, if we're choosing between glaring plot holes, at least this one explains why there's some new asshole in the same suit making the same bad decisions. Same asshole. Every single time, one asshole. OK, well, if he's the same guy, then you're undoing your own argument. And if that's the case, then he's just an immortal prick who hits women and quite honestly sucks at diplomatic relations.
He's a hero. We're agreeing with you. But you got there without me. Totally misread, man. So this, I don't know where to go from here.
Hey, that reminds me. Check out what I found in my coat pocket. Michael, is that a gun? What do you mean, that reminds me? Is that loaded?
Don't worry. It's off. Oh, not off! I just wanted to clear some things up for you guys. A lot of you get me confused with Katie Willert.
Lovely girl, beautiful, but we are really nothing alike. I mean, sure, we both have brown hair, but that's it. Well, we both have glasses, but hers are a different shape. And well, we do have the same birthday, but we're nothing alike, OK?
Get over it, guys. Get over it. Just click Subscribe. |
cracked | why_the_big_lebowski_is_secretly_alice_in_wonderland | The Big Lebowski is the classic. Yes, 90s movies can be classic now, you odious old geezer.
Stoner Jaunt through modern-day Los Angeles, filmed primarily on locations around my house. Alice in Wonderland is a whimsical story written by a maybe pedophile about how modern math is stupid. People also pretend that it's about drugs because when you do too many drugs, you don't have any frames of reference that aren't just more drugs. Also, it might be about drugs, just better ones than I've ever done.
See what condition my condition was in.
But aside from the drugs thing, those two stories couldn't be more different, right? I mean, one's about a bearded guy and the other's about a little British girl.
Case closed. We're done here. Obviously, we're not done yet. You're the title, you know what I'm going to be arguing here.
The Big Lebowski is, in fact, a retelling of Alice in Wonderland. Now, does this information change the entire context of the Coen Brothers film, revealing a deeper, mind-blowing-er and incisive-er truth than any of us have ever imagined? You'll just have to watch the video to find out, but yeah, that's what I'm going for. So first off, Jeff The Dude Lebowski and Alice in Wonderland both start off as characters, who exist without any ambition or responsibility.
When we meet The Dude, he's hanging out in Ralph's in his bathrobe, which is fine when I do it, but because he's old, it's weird. Sam Elliott's voiceover describes him as quite possibly the laziest man in Los Angeles County, and we see him writing a check for 69 cents to buy a whole jug of milk, which is just adorable. 1990s. You are adorable.
When we meet Alice, she's just hanging out in a tree. In the book, she's actually wondering to herself, quote, whether the pleasure of making a daisy chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies. That kind of pondering means your life is unfathomably good.
So even though The Dude is an aging hippie and Alice is a princess, I guess, based on the accent, they both have the exact same philosophy towards life, and that is f*** it. Which is noteworthy, because making your hero not really care about anything makes it really hard to move the story forward. If John McClain doesn't care about saving his ex-wife, then Die Hard is just about the guy from Moonlighting hiding in a hotel shower. If John Wick didn't love that dog almost as much as he loves murder food, then we're just watching a downer sequel in the sweet November. Weird reference. And perhaps because they have no drive whatsoever, both Lebowski and Alice do drugs that change their size.
Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict drug regimen. Again, someone tell me what those drugs are.
Both characters end up in strange wonderlands. Alice goes down a rabbit hole before her adventure starts, while The Dude gets shoved down a toilet bowl. Also a hole. Before going out to explore the world of upper crust LA. Alice is chasing a white rabbit, while The Big Lebowski sends Dude Lebowski after his wife Bunny, who drives a car with a vanity plate lap in, which is French for rabbit, and also Tara Reid is in fact white. Like the rabbit.
The first thing Alice does when she gets to Wonderland is find a golden key in the middle of a hallway. She shrinks herself down and the key gets comparatively big, because that's how size works. When The Dude first gets to Lebowski's house, the butler immediately, and for no reason, shows him a big golden key.
That's it. That's the hint.
Hole, bunny, key, boom, we're in. Down, as they say, the rabbit hole. Now once you realize that The Dude is spending the majority of the movie in a Wonderland-y Los Angeles, all the other characters start to clearly have parallels.
The enforcers that show up at Lebowski's house and shove his head down the bowl, for example, are Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. You're not dealing with morals. Walter and Donny are the walrus in the carpenter, Walter being a big guy who's constantly scheming, and the carpenter being a skinny guy who never manages to keep up with what's going on. I am the walrus. Shut the fuck up, Donny. We'll stop and have a bite.
Maud Lebowski is the Red Queen, obsessed, as she is, with decapitations slash castrations and vaginas slash flowers. Her co-star in the Be The Picture? With bare hands! Jackie Trehorn, the porn king with the grown-up trampoline party that we probably can't put in the video. He's the Mad Hatter, an authority figure who is either really crazy or dealing with issues that are just totally beyond our understanding, and there's no way to tell which. Why is a raven like a writing desk? Now we're getting to the cool part, because this is where the Alice in Wonderland parallels actually change what the Big Lebowski is about.
You know the Nihilists? You know the Nihilists. They're Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers and Sheriff Barringer from Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters. Man, I am just nailing the references today. The Nihilists are also the Red Queen's henchmen. The Nihilists, Maud, the Red Queen, and her henchmen are all obsessed with paintings, vaginas, and castration.
My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Who's been painting my roses, Red?
We cut off your Johnson! It was Dick, or his Rod, or his Johnson. Johnson.
The movie doesn't tell us that the Nihilists work for Maud. It leaves us sort of ambiguous as to where they came from.
But if she's the Red Queen, then she secretly masterminded the whole movie. And yes, mastermind is a verb. Don't you see, you beautiful f***ing fools? That's what she's laughing about on the phone with Max Harrington, the video artist. She's giving orders to the Nihilists in that made-up language of hers.
She's the one who made Bunny go on vacation on her own without telling anyone in the first place, kidnapping herself. Like Walrus, I mean Walter, I mean the dude said. She's the Vito Corleone of the hipster criminal underworld. I might have introduced him for all I know. Which is why the bumbling, idiotic German Nihilists are able to pull off a fake kidnapping.
Maud is telling the men what to do. And that's what this is all about. Wonderland is a world that avant-garde artists and European immigrants have taken over. And they've established a strict matriarchal society. Women are chopping off dicks, raising children on their own, I don't want the father to be someone I have to see socially. and allowing the men to think they're still in control. I give him a reasonable allowance. The Wonderland that Lebowski enters is a matriarchy where women secretly rule everything.
Now, what does this mean? Well, that's up to you, my friend.
Or when Winters Bridge argued that people who couldn't drive stick were genetically inferior. There's no right answer, so only you can decide. But if you go with a feminist conspiracy thing, you're a lunatic.
Hey, thanks for watching our video about the Big Lebowski. If you have your own theories about what the Big Lebowski means, you can leave them in the comment.
Or you can post them on your blog and not tell us about it. Or you can just keep it to yourself. Like, that's also an option. Every little thought that comes into your brain doesn't need to be typed out where we get to read it. Bye. |
cracked | after_hours_all_arnold_schwarzenegger_movies_are_in_the_same_terminator_universe | Can't believe he's almost two already. It's okay to the other one Yeah, I mean I don't want to go on and on but this is after I finished building his crib And I caught him after he fell asleep with my hammer. Oh my god I can't tell you how cool it is. Would you be a dad? Thank you kitty? Yeah, it's it's really amazing It's like the hero of the story.
I'll be back Right, oh, I'm sorry.
I've confused you I'm the terminator What are we talking about actually Michael we were kind of talking about important real-life stuff Oh like how every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie actually takes place within the terminator universe Hasta la vista baby be honest. Did you just dress like terminator to force your topic on us? Dan told me to I believe That you believe that so we agree ish point the first Arnold plays every character like the terminator in every movie regardless of where or when it is set. Okay, jokes Let's not conflate limited acting ability and an incredibly persistent accent with playing the same character Okay, lots of actors have perpetual quirks and we're totally fine with it Keanu Reeves is always this emotionally dense dude running on island time and Tom Cruise is just can't stop running and Weirdly happy with how mad But Arnold's characters literally have all the same terminatorial beats. He's always an obsessed barely back storied semi-slattery Maniac whose thrust bicep deep into a problem that only a combination of explosions fist fights and gunfights can solve even says the same lines In totally different movies when it doesn't make sense.
I'll be back. I'll be back I'll be back. I'll be back.
You've been back enough plus He's constantly performing supernatural feats of strength even in the movies where he's just supposed to be some dude with muscles Impreditor, he physically pushes a semi-truck stacked with explosives into an insurgent base camp He deadlifts a whole car and twins just hoist that sky high like it's pre-k enrollment costs But twins they try to explain that away. He's genetically engineered with six fathers who all combined to make like a Super sperm I guess man the 90s were super ignorant about genes. Yeah, if we're gonna talk about genetic ignorance Can we please talk about Junior? Okay, there's no way that Arnie is the Terminator in that He's just this slightly grumpy Austrian scientist who decides to inject himself with a baby and then misses doubt fire his way through his third Trimester at a commune with a bunch of women who can't even tell that he's a man. It's incredibly offensive. That's true Day Davino skips so many crucial steps in the prenatal journey guys relax They're fake Okay, all the movies are fake get it Is your argument today that movies are fake all the movies that Arnie has made are just Simulations that Skynet's running the t-800 through to expose its faulty programming since it failed to kill Sarah Connor in Terminator 1 I mean Arnold's IMDB page may as well just be a menu on the machine's holodeck which For the sake of my argument, let's assume they have As soon as my holodecks into existence, okay So in your mind the chronology of Arnie's movies goes Terminator 1 then a bunch of simulations and then Terminator 2 right? Exactly. Think about it. Half of his movies are fundamentally motivated by some vague personal loss of a loved one or family member That totally justifies two hours of Indiscriminate murder and some movies we barely even meet the victims The story is always secondary to the mayhem that Arnie has to cause commando predator Batman and Robin six day collateral damage Wow, even Conan the Barbarian starts with James Earl Jones murdering Conan's mother with his glam stare, right? But why because when the Terminator failed to kill a single unarmed woman even using vastly superior Technology Skynet knew it had to find the source of that malfunction So it runs a t-800 through a bunch of scenarios where it's failed its objective But it has to roll with the situation and get the kill anyway Skynet is trying to isolate their error Oh, there's also a whole bucket of Arnold movies where he's just discovering that the world that he thought he lived in isn't totally real It's like the simulation scenes are showing. Oh, that's true in total recall It's just this inception as dreamscape and by the end of it You can't even tell if any of it actually happened and then in last action hero He discovers that his whole world is actually a movie the running man's game show is just this hunger game zian Death trap where all the winners end up getting killed off-screen and only Arnie knows about it Plus there's predator again If we assume that Arnie doesn't believe that aliens are a thing predator actually makes more sense as a simulation Why would you have this unrelated alien hunter invade a random counterinsurgency op doesn't it make more sense and at least double the awesome If predator is actually a complicated death puzzle that the t-800 has to be and then that scene with Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger Shaking hands finally adds up the t-800 hears Carl Weathers his voice clearly scans him with his robot vision and then tries to execute a Convincing human greeting it does not go well What about kindergarten cop what about it John Kimball's obviously a terminator his outfit and tactics are hardly standard police procedure Well, they're extreme police procedure But Arnold spends the rest of that movie hanging out with a bunch of kids so we can earn the trust of a woman and little Boy, but he has to protect that's literally the opposite of what a terminator is supposed to do There's a whole bunch of movies where Arnold is paired with a woman and or a child and or Danny DeVito to protect them Twins true lies jingle all the way.
Oh, that's right. Arnold doesn't kill Jake Lloyd even once in that movie Gotta be so much cooler if he did dude your father Yeah, and I don't want to introduce my son to a young Anakin Skywalker That's just a Lego hair bull cut on a fence post. Hi. Okay. No one has still explained to me junior though Cuz that's definitely not terminator in address. Somebody justified junior Okay, real talk guys, I Haven't seen junior and I didn't Probably think this through all the way, but I just you know I wanted to have something to contribute and there's this pressure on me to perform right, you know Cuz I'm the funny guy and you guys have all these great insights and just things are not going well at home Daniel fix this I don't you pop culture this problem right this instant and the machines aren't running the simulation the humans are Okay But wait, you're saying the humans have access to advanced robotic simulation and they're not reprogramming them for butt stuff So you're saying that if the humans have the t-800 then they're reprogramming it to save John Connor and terminator Two so that just means that all of our knees movies are prequels to T2. Okay. Yeah.
Yeah that checks out Arnold's using his superhuman killing ability to save people that he would ordinarily be trying to kill That's why he's protecting his wife and true lies and trying to rescue Alyssa Milano and commando It's literally empathy training. They make him pregnant in junior so he can experience female Biochemistry then in twins. They give him a biological relationship to this troubled car thief So he's got to help him out and in exchange learn the power of sex Then in kindergarten copy learns not to kill kids Cuz you're their teacher you're legally liable and it's bad to kill kids That's his training ground for how to interact with John Connor Even his overt action movies are sort of like empathy training with predator and Conan and eraser He's going up against an enemy that is much bigger Batter and more technically capable than he is he's learning what it's like for a human to interact with and fight a terminator They also give him simulations where he's already failed his mission at saving a family like Batman and Robin and collateral damage He's learning the pain of loss. It's like aversion therapy for AI Wow I mean he even learned self-sacrifice in the simulations in end of days He ends up sacrificing himself for Robert Tunney Yeah And clearly the training works by the end of T2 this Emotionless robot learns how to feel things right before he lowers himself down into self-sacrifice and destruction He even tries a human greeting at the end It does not go well But otherwise the humans thought of everything They trained him in every aspect of John and Sarah Connors experience to ensure that he's able to protect them from the t-1000 They even trained him to take orders from little kids So he learns how to listen to John Connor you just can't go around killing people.
Why? What do you mean?
Why cuz you can't that's jingle all the way last action hero and kindergarten cup Kids really do teach you humility Okay, I said kids really dude the moment passed You guys can't look at pictures of my kids for 10 minutes. I had to hire a babysitter to be here Michael you can't babysit my child. You want to let some sleep with a hammer. It's fair besides I have to pay my costume designer back for this. All right. I need the money That's my trouble at home and this guy is hardcore. It's gonna break my muscle frames It's what I call my arms. I'll tell you what I will pay you to not babysit my child.
Does that work for you? How are fridge privileges work if that's can I enter the house to access snacks? No, but I will bring you some otter pops, but only orange Hi, thank you for watching this video There's a C in the middle if you click it it's you subscribe to our channel C for subscribe There's videos to the side one of the sides and then there's a bell tell them about the bell Katie You click the bell then you get notified anytime. We post a new video. That's what the bell does |
dropout | olmec_sex_therapist | Yeah, all right guys Look at you Welcome back to Olmec's love death. You're on the air Hi, Olmec. Let's rock well when I go down with my boyfriend. He doesn't really seem to enjoy it How can I give him more pleasure? Loosely grasp the penis with your hand then gently lick the penis from the shaft upwards flicking the underside of the head with your tongue Okay, you can also focus on the perineum or grundle and enhance his orgasm by inserting one or two fingers into his anus Okay, that's enough. Thanks, Olmec Next caller you're on the air. Hey Olmec I've been with my girlfriend for two years and I've never found the G-spot, right? Can you help me out?
Ah the golden G-spot of Mount Kilimanjaro Well, no long ago in the temple of Xerxes There lived a majestic prince one morning a parade of white elephants. Okay. Wait, I'm sorry I was talking about the G-spot in the vagina You'll begin in the room of the three gargoyles from there You must uncover the Pharaoh's passage climb the ropes. All right, you know what? I'll just get a book that shows where it is. I know where it's at fine. Where is it? The shrine of the silver monkey.
Okay, you see that's not helpful at all You want to make sure your head is well lubricated. My head, what do you mean? Once she's aroused have her gyrate in a circular motion while straddling your large stone head I just don't think that we're on the same page So move slowly at first then ride your large stone head with a passionate fervor When her excitement has reached its peak have her stand on your large stone lips and sing the ancient ballad of Quajalupa while thrusting her fists into your large stone nostrils. Look, I'm not a big stone head All right, not everyone's a big stone head. Oh really? Why why is there something wrong with being a stone head? No, I just calling me a freak. No, you're calling me a freak you little you little piss What are you talking about?
Bring your girlfriend down here. I'll be happy to fuck her for you What? Oh fuck your girlfriend.
You think you can do things with that tongue? My tongue is 50 sizes times yours Like I don't piece of shit my for I look at me. I'm rock hard all the time. My face is like abs Got the call Gary. Wait, hello He talking to no one babe Okay, I'll be right there Kirk Fogg in search of the legendary G spot |
cracked | wtf_is_a_stoat_cracked_takes_the_pottermore_test | Hey guys Harry Potter still doing things. I've been asked to discover my patronus. Let the record dictate. I'm 35 years old right now I am going to discover my patronus. Well you guys watch Pottermore is It's fine I get it people want the continuation of the Harry Potter stuff I think of it as like she's writing fanfictions. It is here's like this essay about this spells history It's just all this like like history of this made-up witchcraft stuff.
You're talking about specifically Pottermore or just all of Harry Potter Just sounds like mostly nonsense The memory of Dorcas 12 trees is catastrophic breach of the statue of secrecy had entered magical language So that being a Dorcas was slang for an idiot or a nepped person It's like who what what are you doing one day at a local picnic? Dorcas 12 trees became greatly enamored of a handsome no-mash called Bartholomew barebone It's just like it's nice. There's no nonsense words unbeknownst to Dorcas 12 trees Bartholomew barebone was a scour Descendant okay now. I know that about Dorcas 12 trees. I also really enjoy the tone in which you're reading it Just pejorative readings by Cody This is a normal relief to Macusa who were struggling to cope with a massive fallout of Dorcas's Indiscretions like and subscribe for more pejorative readings by Cody.
I'm gonna figure out what my patronus is all bullsh** Yeah, now pick up a tron us Relax, thanks of your happiest memory. That was a tough one for me Prowl or preen what little monster taking this quiz was like Make improve make Shine glittering glow you want what I went with I Comfort advise or impress. Oh, you did not say impress and we are watching you blew it Patronus is gonna be Joe Pesci now Bear I got brow. I like that. I can like this whole service now a little bit Stupid I got like smooth or rough. I was like Jesus like it We're getting real personal with the questions here Potter more is a contract sealed in blood.
I'm a stoats. It looks exactly like the way Why they have stowed and weasel I have a weasel equivalent. It's just for protection Yeah, well it can also carry messages like you can send it across long distances and have it speak with your voice We're so can I phone don't they have phones? They put their heads in the fireplace the greats and then they can talk and then basically It seems exhausting. I mean it probably saves them some money, but they don't buy into the I don't want to yeah I don't want to have to conjure my weasel every time Be so mad if it's a weasel. I feel like I'm giving off a weasel vibe and it can sense it god damn you got a shrew What did shrews even do what it like I Got a hedgehog when it's going to reveal it There's like a blob of light and then it becomes your thing and so mine I was like, oh, what's this blob gonna turn into and it just stayed a blob.
It was just What's the worst-case scenario animal for you? Prepare to meet your perto Prepare to meet your joy for tone. What's my fit? Mine hard and spirit I pick spirit that was hard Like a dumpy puppy with a goatee After the great Sasquatch rebellion of 1892 parentheses for full details see Ortiz O'Flaherty's highly acclaimed book Bigfoot's Last Stand God you don't deserve to escape Dementors if we're gonna have like I'm just gonna go with the speed bro spoiler I don't need to because they're fake. I mean real life Dementors I mean if Patronus does exist we could cure depression. That'd be cool. Yeah But yeah, what's your what's your happy place now? Would you care? I don't know any time, but this I fully support the tales of Dorcas Whatever his name stupid name was now really believe you because yeah, I accept Fox if you don't get a result you like you're like Harry Potter's dumb.
It's always been dumb. I've known it for years.
Oh, yeah Like if I gotten like let's say weasel or or something equally terrible. I got a fucking weasel. I'm so pissed about it Don't do this.
I fully support this. I hope she does Pottermore forever. What was Harry Potter's patronus?
It was a stag I think That's cool, and it's like based on his family history and all this stuff So apparently like some grandfather of mine is like very in the hunchugs. I've learned that today This is very different from any other online quiz because all those make you feel good about yourself This is like if you took one of those which Mad Men character are you quizzes? And it's like oh you're the guy who lost his foot to the lawnmower in that one You're an extra in the background of one street scene who was a racist Great now. I know thanks. So there you go. 90% of cracked is now worthless Adam and Cody who got brown bears and foxes Cheers |
TheOnion | Tough_Season_Overconfidence_Season_1_Ep_4_Brought_to_you_by_Lenovo | Winning is the precious candy that all coaches crave for their big-boy tummies Having won his last two games Brad enters the week confident about his upcoming matchup against Danny the notorious Chicago Bears fan Whose roster of primarily bears players has been gutted by Chicago's by week Brad has again changed the team's name Danny what are the expectations going into this? They're not bear so I don't expect to win, you know, you draft the monsters of the Midway You know you have one week where you lose Danny has no idea what's coming that guy's a clown All I have to do is stay calm keep it in cruise control and ramp it right over him I don't even need the LaNontro this week.
It's Lenovo.
Take a knee handsome hunk masters big lineup news I'm not changing a thing Everybody stand up handsome hunk masters Normally during a game I'd ask you to go all-out Not today We're playing against Danny and he's starting a bunch of bench warmers. We're projected to win by 60 points don't over-exert yourselves Just so you know coach I'm up against the toughest in the league. It might be a low score game See that's classic overthinking it you're still in just hit your projections coach. I'm supposed to be playing this week You didn't play me last week. We're playing against the softest defense in the league Sorry, but I'm sticking with my win boys coach. I'm on the Bears my body weeks off She's gonna clam you up right there Forte. Just hit your projections Normally during a game I'd be freaking out obsessively checking the numbers, but today I'm forgetting the numbers I don't even remember what numbers are Who are numbers see I think numbers are a person And despite not fielding a complete lineup Danny is posting huge numbers totally unexpected Well, it looks like these bench boys have become adult bench men all Brad has left is his kicker and his defense It's close, but he's still projected to win Stay calm they just have to hit their projections Despite a valiant effort Brad's defense lets him down But like a painting of a man quietly reading Brad's calm exterior never falters See Wait see Mason cross whatever you're my only hope to win strategy time. Yeah, I know I know hit my projection No, don't hit your projections.
I need you to wildly exceed them. I've done the math I just need you to kick 760 our field goals. I don't know okay Or you can kick 540 our field goals and then throw a 30-yard touchdown pass Seriously, or your team can score 40 touchdowns, and you kick an extra point after every single one of them cool I don't know that sounds pretty impossible Despite his hopes resting on the thinnest device drifting like sand through an extra fast hourglass Brad is able to keep his composure a win isn't mathematically impossible. I mean honestly. I still think we can win I'm not even checking the numbers Next time on tough season we're coming up on Thursday night my roster still all clammed up I need one of you guys to fill my flex spot I have no idea who to play last week You didn't even score any points What if I switch them out and then our guy throws for like a hundred touchdowns for the rest of the year It's not gonna happen if I had to look in there |
TheOnion | Can_You_Hapless_Fuckwits_At_Least_Handle_An_Omelette | Today's recipe couldn't get any easier. Omelettes.
Can you hapless fuckwits at least handle that? First, you crack two eggs into a bowl. You thick morons at least know where you keep your bowls, right? And if you just put the hard shells in the bowl too, which I'm assuming a lot of you shit-for-brains just did, now would be a good time to pour it all out and start over.
Honestly, half the fucking recipe is just waiting till the eggs are done. And if you don't know when they're done, grab a spatula. Not like this, but like this. And see if the eggs are solid, which means they're done, or liquidy, which means you either forgot to turn on the fucking stove, or you believe eggs can be cooked in two goddamn seconds.
I'll just assume I need to say this now.
Don't eat your eggs raw. And if you have raw eggs in your mouth right now, spit them out, dumbass. Now if you want to challenge your pea brain, and I'm not saying you should, but if you do, you can add more shit to the omelette.
Literally anything.
Think you idiots can manage that? There's no way yours looks like this.
Great, you made an omelette. Congratulations.
Now what? Do you miserable morons need me to tell you how to eat it too? Put it on this. It's called a plate. Now get some of the omelette on your fork, which you hold in your hand, and do your best to get the fork to your mouth, which was probably already open and drooling. Chew.
Jesus fucking Christ. |
cracked | the_museum_of_alternate_realities_people_watching_season_2_episode_8 | Woah, the melon's over- Sure, what the hell? Hello, and welcome to the Museum of Alternate Realities. Allow me to show you around. Wait, so... what is this?
This is What If. What if the world took slightly a different path? Here we have some things from such worlds. It is interesting to see what might have been, you know. All it has to be is more interesting than taking the bus home to eat leftover chow mein for breakfast. Not bad though, yeah.
Why have I never noticed this building before? And now, what is the main attraction?
Here you can meet other versions of yourself, if you've had a different path in life. In fact, I also am a different you.
Pleased to meet you. Also pleased to meet you. Hey, grab a chair!
Okay, that's impossible! But what if it wasn't? Okay, so this is... Weird? Magic realism, maybe?
It does not matter. It simply is. It sure is.
How do I know you're really me? Is there anything we all have in common, relentless skepticism? Yeah, how do I know you're really us? Anyway, you clearly have the family bitch face.
Good enough, I guess. Well, uh...
Hi, I'm you if you're a fucking lifer at a strip club. Not even a good strip club.
Sorry, everyone? Exit through the gift shop? Don't apologize. We're just you if you made different choices. I'm not totally sure why we're all here, but we'll figure it out. Yeah, don't be sorry. So, hey, I'm you if you took a more, I guess, conventional career path into self-employment.
It was rough for a couple of years, but then I got my business off the ground and met someone really great, and now we have a kid together and we actually just sign papers on a new place. We don't make a lot, but it's rewarding as fuck, and having a family is just...
Well, I know you don't think you'll like it, but trust me, you will. Okay, wait.
So, when I'm on a dating site at 3am and I see someone actually normal who wants to get married and have kids soon, and then I start imagining how maybe that wouldn't be so bad after all. I know, eh? And maybe I could do it, and maybe I could travel more and have pets and go camping, but then I forget about it all the next day. You mean I actually am capable of all that? I'm capable of having kids and... And not feeling like you're casting them into the hell of a shitty world in its terrible future? Of course you're capable.
Things change pretty quick. Never underestimate the limits of the human imagination. Over and over again, I meet people who are stuck in particular patterns of behavior simply because they can't, you know, envision something more for themselves. There really needs to be some sort of societal shift to really stress the value of focusing on goals instead of assuming you know who you are and what you're not capable of. Like I tell everyone, you can't plan to meet your best friend or your partner because the best things are often things we can't see coming. Nice to hear that out loud. Life is, you are there and you keep making sure you are there and then while you are there, something new. You'll never know what is coming and what can you do.
It is cool I have it in me to be bilingual. Or largely bilingual anyway.
Hey, fuck you. Okay, so basically I could have been someone actually good but I blew it? Yeah, that sounds about right. Again, sorry.
That's not what we meant at all. We're not? I mean, this isn't an intervention.
Oh, that is probably the first thing they say at every intervention. Yeah, based on your appearance, I'm sure your life is just terrible.
You're what, the fucking CEO of Time Warner or the president of Zimbabwe or something? No, I actually am active in local government. I'm you if you took some different courses in school, got inspired by some specific people, tried a few new things and found that you liked them and yeah, it's frankly exhausting and dating is not easy but it's also great knowing that I can tangibly make a difference and yeah, you know, I'm doing well but... Well, that's just fucking delightful, isn't it? And you, you or me, if I'd got a 1% higher mark in a math test in grade 8 and then became a trilingual polymath on the level of Leonardo da Vinci, won the Nobel Prize for perfect skin and you just bought a dacha in the country for you and all your fucking friends and then one time you guys all went to a strip club as a joke and threw rubles at some bimbo loser for a couple of hours. Ballpark? Specifically, I'm you if your parents had to move to another country for work. I myself work in fashion design principally, you fucking bitch.
You know what, let's uh, kind of reset here and... No, no, no, no, that's fine.
I mean, even if I was born on another continent, it's good to know I'd still be more successful than I am now with better hair and more friends and of course, way happier because the most I get out of life is to babysit that percentage of a guy that doesn't deserve to be lonely in that brief moment before he says something demeaning but it's good to at least have confirmation that of all possible realities I've managed to find the fucking lost city of failure. I'm fucking sorry that you were brought here to see you could have been this much of a fucking embarrassment. You only are the failure one if you keep up with this fucking nonsense of telling us what you think we want to hear. You are me and I know me and I don't have this definition of success and happiness that is all money and nice boyfriends and asserts in specific furniture. I'm not that much of a mewling god damned baby. You think all of us are from realities where we are going around judging the shit out of everyone? Well, I think all of us are probably united in not defining happiness as lying awake every night trying to forget that you could have been an adult and you could have been a winner but you're fucking not because you fucking suck.
You know what I lie awake for? There are young people. All I think about is these young people. Young girls in villages and to be a model is the only way out but then there come these men who say, oh, I am a modeling agent. You come with me for work and they are a new victim of human trafficking. You would sell your soul to provide money for your family but here it is taken for nothing. This keeps me awake and young friends, someone you work with every day and you love them and they tell you they are very glad they meet someone on a website and the next day you find out the date they were going on to meet was actually an ambush.
It was six guys from homophobic group who beat them and robbed them and you don't even ask about police because you know they don't give a shit. You're different. You're not a human. God does not allow this and that is their life.
And if you think I can never not care, you can forget about it. All I think about is all these people and they try to help and a lot of this money you think I have. I put this aside for kinds of safe spaces and efforts and these kinds of things but never it seems like enough. My heart, it broke a long time ago.
But having advantages then not helping others is not mortal. You really are not human if you are just sitting there enjoying your luck. You are not poor. You are not different.
You are safe in God's love. I'm sorry.
It's just very hard to know not everyone has our choices. Not everyone can see what's in themselves.
Honestly, my secret plan is to save up enough money to buy out the owners and then turn the club into something better. Fucking feminist strip club. Literally have diagrams and shit. It's an actual serious plan I have. To take all that money they think they're paying me in return for my dignity and then upend the whole thing from the inside. And then even if it goes out of business a week later even if I just end up recreating Don Quixote that won't stop me from being glad that I tried.
The girls I work with deserve it. I do a lot of outreach work for sex workers and I can't even tell you the changes I'd make if I had more resources. They deserve the whole thing other people get where you get to be yourself and get respect. I'm fucking sick to death of people having to pick one or the other, you know? Okay, I was vague before because I didn't want you to feel pressure to have the same job as me but I actually run a non-profit for really similar stuff to that. I actually would really like to compare notes with you right now. Oh wow, I literally spent last year getting mobile outreach funding through city council. There's a huge trafficking problem that nobody talks about and it's like pulling goddamn teeth getting anyone to give a shit but I fucking give a shit, you know?
Yeah, me too. Yes, you too.
A nice rack by the way. Quite something you got there. Yeah, I guess there's no point denying I've had work done. And it's sure not what I would do but it's just as valid a choice because it's your fucking body and your rules.
Yes, and it's everyone's obligation to rid themselves of the need to have opinions about what transpires within the absolute sovereignty of other people's physical space much as we do not vote in the elections of other countries. Elections of other countries.
Nice to hear that out loud. I guess it's at least good when the place you feel most accepted is a room full of yourself. Indeed I concur. You bitches are a bit of alright.
Fucking A. You know, I accepted a long time ago I was living in the working below ability universe. The potential was there but everything I had to be proud of was just the best thing on a bad menu because I chose poorly. Never underestimate the limits of the human imagination.
I think everybody feels like guilt always for the road untaken. I know that I do. How green elsewhere is the grass, you know? Yes, I think we can all relate completely and you're like but you guys have so much to be proud of but so do you. People like you change things and hopefully people like me do as well. Yeah, you think I'm not in fucking all of your confidence right now? Knowing I have it in me to be you is amazing. You know, we eat ourselves alive worrying if we're on the right path in life. I mean, I think we all feel like the shitty version of someone else at times but I think it's easy to forget about the things that would always be the same no matter who we were. So much is decided for us anyway. Where you're born and what circumstances. What we control is what kind of person are we. A person who tries to make life on this ridiculous planet easier for even one other person. And even in my darkest moments I know for fucking sure that no matter who I was I'd give a shit about others and I'd question myself and I'd constantly be working towards something better because that's what matters.
Yes, I think that's the one true path in life, you know? Fuck yeah. Yes, me too. Yes, you too.
Maybe whatever this is right now, plot device, hallucination, stress-induced daydreaming. Maybe the point isn't whether there are alternate paths out there. It's that it's irrelevant because there are no circumstances where you wouldn't be you. I think that's what we all have in common to answer your question. You guys really think that's possible. What if it was?
Everything we've ever done or ever lost or ever won was only leading up to this special shift and emphasis. No, I'm kind of sensitive. Forgive me if it gets a bit repetitive. This is what I'm working with. |
TheOnion | Report_Nobody_s_Heard_From_David_Blaine_In_A_While_Somebody_Should_Probably_Check_If_He_Died | In a major gaffe, President Obama forgets to dumb it down for the American populace. A burrito is eaten like someone in the room isn't crying, and the U.S. will give a limestone-based economy a shot starting Monday, with officials saying, quote, it sounds weird, but you never know. Please put in your eye drops and swallow the three green capsules now. It's the Onion Week in Review.
According to a study published Monday in the New England Journal of Medicine, getting smacked right in the mouth with a goddamn tree branch really sucks. But after a minute, you're basically fine. The comprehensive two-year medical trial, which observed more than 400 unsuspecting volunteers receiving a full-on smack right to the mouth with a stupid goddamn tree branch, found conclusively that regardless of age, gender or ethnicity, getting hit in the mouth with a tree branch really fucking sucked for a good minute or two. But then you're more or less okay. It really sucked a lot to get hit in the mouth with a goddamn tree branch. I thought I was bleeding, couldn't eat stitches or something, but after a few minutes it was pretty much okay. If you live in the Boston area and would like to volunteer for a study related to the effects of getting dinged right in the balls with a goddamn dirt clod and whether it makes you feel like you're going to puke everywhere until you sit down for a minute and take some deep breaths, please contact Dr. Marks at pmarksatbostonuniversity.edu.
This week, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack continued his goodwill tour to improve U.S. relations with foreign produce by attending a meeting Thursday with a Slovenian head of cabbage. Closed-door talks with the leafy vegetable addressed the lack of arable land in Slovenia and came on the heels of Vilsack's weekend summit with Polish green beans, a state dinner with a British asparagus Monday and last week's four-day retreat at the home of an Italian basil leaf. It's no secret Secretary Vilsack and the cabbage have had their disagreements on key issues in the past, but both share a pragmatic approach that makes it possible for them to find common ground.
In local news, 23-year-old shitty graffiti artist Adam Zane has captured the heart of 19-year-old college sophomore Jessica Tisselow. Zane, who goes by the graffiti handle Slice, met Tisselow last summer at an annoyingly self-aware dive bar where the talentless artist caught Tisselow's eye with his cliched sleeve tattoos of trite Japanese imagery and the fact that he was wearing a winter hat indoors in the middle of June. His art is really just the absolute worst.
I think we're going to get married someday. And now for This Week in Tech, brought to you by LG. An excited groom sends text messages to his buddies during his bride's vows, and a collection of VHS tapes are held onto for one more year. In other news, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a family portrait before leaving. about groping dead co-workers, an employee says, and a report finds that nobody's heard from David Blaine in a while, so somebody should probably check to see if he died in one of those things. Naught but a mere 2 minutes and 30 seconds have passed, yet we feel as though we've known you a thousand lifetimes. For more, visit TheOnion.com slash Newsbeat. |
dropout | columbusing_discovering_things_for_white_people | Oh, hey, what's up, dude? Hey, what's going on?
Thanks for meeting me here, man. Yeah, no problem. I love this place.
Yeah, I just discovered it. You didn't discover it. You know, I come here all the time. Sure I did. No, people have been here before you, so you didn't discover it. Oh, yes, sorry. I didn't discover it.
Right, right. Columbus did. You what? I Columbus did. I discovered it for white people. You can't discover some place that people have already been to first. Yes, I can. That's exactly what Columbus did. Columbus, Columbus to America, and I Columbus this bar.
Oh, hey, guys, what's up? Who are they? White people.
I told everyone I know about this cool new bar. Dude, this place is not new, okay? It's been here since 1935. It's on the wall.
But it was Columbus in 2014. First unearth a hidden gem, hashtag Columbus, hashtag I discovered Bed-Stuy. Dude, my parents live in Bed-Stuy. You did not discover Bed-Stuy. You can't say that. Look, Columbus-ing is just a part of life.
Nobody said Columbus-ing was fair. Somebody just asked the Native Americans. Or Mary Lambert, the lesbian songwriter whose gay rights anthem didn't get popular until it was remixed by a straight dude. Macklemore Columbus same-sex marriage, just like Gwyneth Paltrow, Columbus Eastern Medicine, College Humor, Columbus basic bitches. And sublime Columbus reggae, I get it. Is there such thing as reverse Columbus-ing? Could somebody Columbus something from white culture? It's impossible white people are too good at taking credit for stuff. What if I Columbus hummus? Party Columbus from the Middle East by Health Conscious White East. Zumba class. Columbus from Columbia by Every White Mom. Both shoes. Practically moccasins, which we Columbus from the Native Americans, among other things.
What if I Columbus, um, pea coats? Well, you can't Columbus pea coats because, because, because you can't, because you can't because it's not fair. I've been wearing pea coats since long before it is going to bed style.
Hey guys, how about we try this brand new trend? Not new.
Hey guys, if you like that video, click me to subscribe. Now Bernard's going to chug his beer. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Got it. That's unimpressive. |
CrackerMilk | caught_watching_dirty_movies | Come on mate, we've got to go.
What are you watching? Gay porn. What are you really watching?
Star Wars. Which episode? Is that episode 8?
I know what you're thinking Dad, but I really do believe Rian Johnson successfully subverted the audience's expectations and that's something to reward. We are an original trilogy family. You know that. But Dad, the graphics in the sequels are way better.
Can't you just try and like them? Do or do not, there is no try.
Oh nice, that's what Obi Wan says in episode 6 right? It was Yoda, you fucking idiot. Okay, okay, but Dad, think about all the Star Wars shows that we get.
Some of them are alright.
Yeah, like my favourite book of Boba Fett. Book of Boba Fett.
No, no Dad, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
We want to make even more skits every single week, so if you sign up to our Patreon and support us there, we can make it happen. The more of you sign up there, the more content you get baby.
You scratch our back, we scratch yours. You scratch my ass, I wipe it clean.
Which episode? Is that episode 8?
I know what you're thinking Dad, but I really do believe Rian Johnson successfully subverted the audience's expectations and that's something to reward. We are an original trilogy family. You know that. But Dad, the graphics in the sequels are way better.
Can't you just try and like them? Do or do not, there is no try.
Oh nice, that's what Obi Wan says in episode 6 right? It was Yoda, you fucking idiot. Okay, okay, but Dad, think about all the Star Wars shows that we get.
Some of them are alright.
Yeah, like my favourite book of Boba Fett. Book of Boba Fett.
No, no Dad, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
We want to make even more skits every single week, so if you sign up to our Patreon and support us there, we can make it happen. The more of you sign up there, the more content you get baby.
You scratch our back, we scratch yours. You scratch my ass, I wipe it clean. |
dropout | dire_consequences_paintball_massacre | I'm Brian Murphy. I'm Kevin Corrigan.
We're about to play Russian Roulette. Loser has to play paintball against the U.S. Army's Delta Destroyers.
Whoa! Ah!
I knew that was gonna happen! Better run! Whoo! Ah, shit, they're everywhere!
Oh, my God. I'm scared for him.
Go on!
Ah! Oh! Ah! COVIDER! Oh, no, oh, no! Ah!
Oh, no, no!
All right, now Murray's got to, like, capture the flag against the army. There's a flag in the middle of this course. He has to start at his base, make it to the flag while they're shooting at him, and grab it and bring it back to his base. But, as soon as he grabs the flag, they'll have to swarm out of the trees and destroy him.
And I can't wait to watch. Three, two, one, game on! Oh! It's time to dance!
That is nothing I can do! Got a big mark for you right now.
Probably just terrified, just like a scared bunny facing down a herd of hyenas.
Go, go, go!
Ah! No, fuck! Fuck! Ah!
I think what Murph did is he's just like, I'm just going to put the gun down, suck it up, run, grab the flag, and run back. I'm going to shot a bunch of times, but I'll get it over with. But I think he did not understand how many times he would be shot.
No! No, no, no, please! Please!
Holy shit! What the? Oh my! Oh my God!
Did you guys feel bad at all? No.
There was a point where the army guys were running past where I was on the sideline. There was a moment, just one moment, when I was like, oh no, Murph could hit me when he was trying to hit me.
I'm so stupid. You were on the field. I should have just shot you. You had a mask on. That would have been fun. I realized it was impossible. I'm such an idiot. I should have just unloaded on you in the last one. |
TheOnion | Ruin_The_Economy_Or_Not_Congress_Still_Unable_To_Decide | God on Rick Perry possibly running for president, don't do it. Congress is spotted walking out of a gay nightclub. Vice President Biden is forced to inform Michelle Obama that she is running out of bath gel. And this man seems panicked by you entering the room. And now your medically induced recap of this week's news. U.S. forces quietly slipped out of Afghanistan late last night, calling it, quote, the only way for the two nations to move on. General Petraeus explained the sudden withdrawal of 90,000 troops with a handwritten note left behind at Bagram Airfield, saying that years of growing resentment and deep-seated trust issues required them to make a quick, clean break. Despite walking out on Afghanistan, officials made it clear that the U.S. still cared deeply about the country and always would. The nation's optometrists say they are still recovering from the excitement of Optic Disc Expo 2011, a, quote, wild three-day symposium on the part of the eye where the ganglion cell axons form the optic nerve. Attendees claimed the raucous event brought together 20,000 optometrists, surgeons and industry experts who had no time for sleep during the whirlwind of glaucoma debates, AOA lectures and papilladema keynote speakers.
In local news, city officials announced the opening of a new high-security art jail, a four-floor, 30-cell block detention facility that will house over 1,000 of the world's most notorious works of art. The art jail boasts over 40 trained guards to keep watch over the imprisoned paintings and sculptures and minimize the risk of escape. Officials say the new art jail will maintain strict visiting hours between 9.30 a.m. and 5.30 p.m.
Tuesday through Sunday with lights out occurring promptly afterward. In sports, Tim Duncan sent his teammates Google Plus invites for the fifth day in a row and is yet to hear back. In other news, that sandwich from the television commercial was spotted at a local restaurant. The debate in Congress rages on as to whether or not they should wreck the nation's economy. And a perfectly normal-seeming guy picks up a cigarette off the street and starts smoking it. Thank you for taking two measly minutes out of your precious day. For more videos and stories, go to theonion.com slash review. |
cracked | japanese_anime_hilariously_ruined_by_american_censors_canonball_one_piece_dragon_ball_z | Every time you bring a franchise from Japan into America, some changes are going to be made. Because what's considered wholesome family entertainment in one country might get you thrown in jail and banned from playgrounds in another. But other times, in their quest to protect our youth and sell them millions of action figures while they're at it, American companies end up introducing some truly deranged changes to the source material. So let's talk about the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of localized canon that are about as subtle as Michael Bay's big swingin' metal balls. We're talkin' about Dragon Ball Z, accidentally making child abuse hilarious, One Piece's poorly disguised smoking, and Sailor Moon's overly affectionate cousins. This is Cannonball. Gen Z anime fans have no idea how good they have it today, with their streaming sites and subtitle options, and ability to say the word anime out loud without being instantly stomped into the nearest locker. In the olden days, if you wanted to watch a show from Japan, you were at the mercy of whichever poorly translated and heavily censored version happened to be available on TV or at the nearest blockbuster, which was inevitably packed with inexplicable changes. Changes like...
Dragon Ball Z is the tale of a pure-hearted monkey man on a sacred mission to punch everyone in the universe, from Alien Hitler to a time-traveling masochist You're going to give me some pleasure, right? to his own kid. Other than punching, Goku's second favorite hobby is, well, dying. Like, a whole lot. Which might be related to his tendency to punch every single person he meets, come to think of it. But Goku's not the only one in this show with a, frankly, ill-advised death addiction.
Groovin'! What?! This presented a problem for dubbing companies, when the show first came to America, where death is a no-no in children's entertainment, and cartoon characters are cursed with eternal life. Kill me, fuck, dammit! The solution?
Whenever a character in Dragon Ball Z dies, so like every other episode, the dubbers will simply add a line saying they've been sent into another dimension. Into another dimension. Yep, another dimension, with fluffy clouds, where everyone has a halo, but it's totally not heaven. One episode subtly hints that Goku might be in hell by having him meet a guy with red skin, big horns, and a shirt that says, hell. It's like the animators threw that character in there for the specific purpose of fucking with censors. But they underestimated the American dubbers, who got around the issue by changing the word hell on the shirt, to Hiffle.
That's Home for Infinite Losers, which is a fantastic name for an emo album. Wait, is it a home for an infinite number of losers? Or are they calling Goku a loser infinity times? And why does being a loser entitle you to a home? That would be extremely unfair to those of us who are cool winners.
Another time, the dubbers tried to remove Goku's halo to avoid reminding kids of their own mortality, but the best they could do was replace it with a glowing orb over his head. So now he's not dead, he's just trapped in some sort of The Sims ripoff, bought at the App Store for two bucks. Such was the dubbers' dedication to protecting children that they even had a rule against showing them in distress. Gohan is being manhandled by a villain, just to raise the fingers. There, doesn't he look more peaceful now? Gohan has a giant bruise on his face, simply paint an eye over it and no one will ever notice. Man, with all the punching and dying in this show, it's a wonder that Goku is still in One Piece, but not literally in One Piece, because that's another show that we're now smoothly transitioning to.
Number 3 One Piece turned Chainsmoking into a lollipop addiction. One Piece is a popular pirate-themed anime that's been on the air since actual pirate times, I think. When the show first reached America's shores, the dubbers at 4Kids Entertainment noticed that this high-seas fantasy adventure had a troubling lack of rap music. I can't hold you anymore! So they went ahead and fixed that. Here's how the story goes, we find out by the treasure in the grand line, there's no doubt. Nice try, but everyone knows there's only one anime rap song worth a damn. The rivers aren't my champions, they're coffee, nutrio, gold, pet, star, you magic ark. But that's not the only thing 4Kids changed.
One of the main characters is Vinsmoke Sanji, who's described as a perverted but chivalrous chef by Wikipedia and his glowing Yelp reviews. Naturally, 4Kids objected to the smoke part. If they deleted every instance of Sanji smoking, the show would be like 5 minutes long. So they went with the most dignified solution for the character, taking every shot of Sanji with a cigarette in his mouth and redrawing it into a shot of Sanji sucking on a never-ending lollipop. Yep, every single gosh darn shot. They even altered the show's dialogue to make other characters reference Sanji's oral fixation. Just keep sucking your candy! I want to find out what he's always slurping on. See, that's more kid-friendly. But Sanji is a chump compared to another character called Smoker, who always has two massive cigars in his mouth.
Because doctors in the 16th century had yet to make some very important associations.
In this case, 4Kids just threw their hands in the air and erased the cigars in his mouth and the spare ones he carries in his jacket. But kept the smoke coming out of his mouth, with the explanation that it's a side effect from a magic fruit he ate. Remember kids, always check the expiration date on magical food before you eat it, or you could end up with eternal stink mouth. But hey, at least 4Kids didn't just slap a big blotch of black on the character's face to poorly disguise the fact that he's smoking.
And yes, that is a Jojo reference. But this one is actually Japan's fault, since there are rules against showing underage people smoking on TV. And this particular Jojo is supposed to be 17 during this particular bizarre adventure. And speaking of teenagers that look old enough to have a mortgage, Number 2, Power Rangers was 3 shows cobbled together, minus the perverted parts. Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers is about 5 high school students with an unhealthy love for single-colored wardrobes who are chosen by a giant head to become a team of superheroes, who ride robot dinosaurs. Make my monster roar! You'll be shocked to learn that parts of this concept originated in Japan.
Like this one. Or this one. Or this. Wait, nope, that one's on us.
The first 3 seasons of Power Rangers, so the only ones pop culture in general cares about, are a combination of 3 separate Japanese series of the People in Colorful Costumes Punching Monsters genre. New scenes were shot with American actors to add important character development. But all the monster fighting scenes are stitched together from Japanese footage. For example, whenever you see Trini, the Yellow Ranger, fighting in her costume, that's just her voice redubbing the dialogue of some Japanese dude, which in retrospect was kind of obvious. So why did they smash together different shows into a narrative megazord? Because money. The iconic Power Rangers costumes every kid in America was willing to kill for came from one of those shows, and there was only enough footage for one season. So, to keep those action figures flying off the shelves, they started using editing tricks to show characters from one series fighting monsters from another, while poorly hiding the fact that they're never together in the same shot.
And the kids in the audience didn't notice because, as I continue reminding you, kids are super dumb. On that note, remember the unfortunately named White Power Ranger who shows up in season 2? He too was transplanted from another series, which is why he always ended up fighting alone during fight scenes. Oh, and he was a little kid, and a big pervert. Yep, the original middle school aged White Ranger had a troubling tendency to morph into a miniature Harvey Weinstein when the Pink Ranger was around, a plot line that was thankfully removed from the American version. Or, if it did happen off camera, at least it was age appropriate and she consented to it, unlike the real victim, Bulk.
So, fine, the American localization team actually did some good things this time. But that was definitely not the case with... Number one, Sailor Moon turned a lesbian couple into kissing cousins. Sailor Moon is about a bunch of girls in colorful costumes using magic powers to save the planet. Or, at least, that's what the show was about when it aired in North America. In the original Japanese version, Sailor Moon was about a bunch of girls in colorful costumes using magic powers to save the planet. Oh, and two of them happened to be girlfriends. The company dubbing the show into English, scandalized by Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune's perversion, decided to protect the youth of America by changing the characters into cousins.
They're girls and cousins, too! Which they make sure to mention every time they're on screen. We're cousins! Yep, just a couple of heterosexual cousins who stand awfully close to each other while delivering trivial dialogue. Leave it to me, cousins.
And stare intensely into each other's eyes. The look in my cousin's eyes was so intense. And lovingly hold hands while one of them is in her underwear. She's your family! What's the matter with you? Then there's the time Sailor Neptune reminisces about her first kiss.
It was with Brad, the cutest guy in the school. But Brad, the cutest guy in school, sure looks an awful lot like her cousin.
The censors also pretended a cross-dressing male character was a woman, but kept the scene where he shows everyone his chest, making it look like she, who was actually he, just flashed everyone for no reason. Great job, censors. My work is done here.
This is kinda like when Modern Family's Iranian remake tried to make the family less modern by removing a gay couple, only to accidentally add another one. You see, besides changing Cam into a woman, the remake also turned Hailey into a boy. But they kept the scene where her mom awkwardly walks in on her hanging out with the guy she likes. Wait a minute, could this be the mythical Brad, the cutest guy in school? The Modern Family Sailor Mood crossover we always wanted was right under our noses all along!
So what lesson can we learn from all these foolish attempts at censorship? I don't know, you've figured out. My work here is done.
Thanks for watching this episode of Cannibal! Hop in the comments and tell us about your favorite oral fixations and pop culture cousin kissers. |
dropout | you_re_too_good_to_date_my_friends_hardly_working | It's like, even though I know it's impossible, sometimes I still think I might be on the Truman Show. Anyway, didn't you guys say that you had some single friends at this party? Oh yeah, but trust me, you're too good for that.
What? Oh yeah, you're way too good to date any of our friends. I mean, I guess that's a compliment, but really, all of them, I mean, what about this guy? Oh, Marv! Yeah, I've known him since we were kids. He is so funny. Okay. But he's also super arrogant, afraid of commitment, and doesn't believe in holidays. What? That's insane. Okay, what about this guy? Oh, Roger, we met in college, and honestly, we had one of the most meaningful hikes of my entire life together. So nice. But he is a narcissist, only reads Ayn Rand, and doesn't believe in holidays. What? That's crazy. Why are you friends with these people? They're good friends. Totally fine. They just make for bad partners. Okay. What about this guy?
He's literally petting a puppy. Oh, Gruggery! Yes, that is the dog that he got from the rescue center.
He's so smart, super successful, and insanely funny. He's just a really fun guy.
But he also steals from department stores, thinks reading is consumerist, and cheats on all his girlfriends. And he doesn't believe in holidays.
What the fuck, guys? Why are you friends with these people? Look, they're just our friends. Sometimes we don't see them for weeks or even months. They just pop in and out of our lives, and we see them in the context in which we enjoy them. But a partner?
You gotta know that you can rely on them. You need to know that they are solid, that they complete you.
Man, that is some shit Gruggery would say. He is the best. He is a bad listener. The life of the party. He doesn't believe in medicine.
Amazing ship. We'll break your heart in an instant. Never let your guard down around town.
Ugh! Why do we do this? Why do we permit our friends to be fine to us and terrible to their significant others? Today is the day that this stops, that we demand that our friends be better, that they're good to everyone in our life.
So, is Rekha single or what? Oh my god, Rekha is awesome!
But she's super judgmental. She collects all this intel about people before she even knows them, which is understandable sometimes, but then other times it's just wrongful, and it prevents her from being in a relationship.
Eh, yikes. Heh heh. Beggage much? Yeah. All my friends are terrible. Ah, these aren't. Okay, what about this one? Ooooh! Oh, that bad. God, that thing sucks. |
cracked | we_fixed_mortal_kombat_2021 | Guys, I'm super pumped that you're here to work with me on the Mortal Kombat movie, because as a first-time director, I'm gonna need to nail this world-building and characterization. Yeah. So, what did you think? Here's some thoughts. You have some thoughts. Thoughts. Yeah, just real quick, there's this description on the second page.
Is that supposed to be a garden hoe? No, that's Hanzo's wife. No, the thing that Hanzo ties to the rope. Oh, that's a spade. Hanzo's garden hoe is spade? How does she have children? Yeah, no, I think the thing that I'm most confused about with Hanzo is why he goes to hell.
I thought he was a nice guy. And then why does he say get over here in English when everything else is in Japanese? And then why do he and Bi-Han change their names? Because characters have character traits. All right, let me characterize these bad boys real quick. Flashback.
Though Hanzo is the perfect husband and father during the day at night, he often slips out of his warrior robes, transforming into a BDS and style dominatrix called the Scorpion. Ladies in the nearby town go wild for Hanzo's sexy dance routine, where he pulls them in tight with his novelty kunai weapon. But Hanzo's sensual success draws the ire of a Chinese stripper across town named Bi-Han, who dances under the pseudonym Sub-Zero, and whose signature move is freezing his own s- Shut up!
No! I was just gonna say that no matter how cool Sub-Zero's dance moves are, he can never compete with Scorpion because he learned a single English phrase to make himself seem more exotic to the ladies. Can you guess what it is? I literally just- Come over here! I'm a little uncomfortable insinuating that sex work leads directly to hell, and we're already kind of flirting with NC-17 with the violence thing. I'm not saying we have to show Shaft, just a little bulk! Okay! Let's move on.
I would love some clarity on Raiden. His eyes are blue, like lightning.
That's what we call a character trait. Right. Yeah, got that.
Uh, I'm confused why Raiden keeps saying he can't intervene. All of the gods are forbidden from engaging in one realm's war against another. Worldbuilding! Okay, well what do you call putting up electricity firewall, or transporting everybody into the void, or making a bunch of Outworld champions appear randomly in one-on-one fight scenarios? Well, Outworld cheated! Then why not just say Raiden IS allowed to intervene?
Okay, I've got the perfect explanation for all of it. Flashback! It's the beginning of time and space and all the gods attend an informative seminar. I'm talking everybody! Zeus, the Easter Bunny, Colonel Sanders, you name it.
Their human resources rep, Magical Gary, explains when and where they're allowed to intervene. You are allowed to build lightning walls if somebody breaks into your temple, but you're not allowed to step in if somebody betrays you and breaks your magic staff. You are allowed to hide your champions and avoid that no bad guys can access, but you can't do it until later in the script, so more fighting can happen first.
Should last more than two, three hours tops. I really think that my worldbuilding efforts should be directed towards creating the greatest fights ever put on. Simon, I wasn't finished. Wow, Gary's talking.
The gods just tear each other apart. Colonel Sanders shoves the Easter Bunny's eggs in his own mouth, and the janitor scrubs and pails Zeus on a mop. That's why Raiden can't remember when he can or can't intervene. He's distracted by all the violence.
Worldbuilding through violence. Yeah, you keep saying worldbuilding, Simon, which kind of reminds me, I thought there was supposed to be like seven realms or something, but we only see two, right? Like Outworld and Earthrealm. Are there more realms? Water? Is trailer realm a realm with all its little hidey holes?
Simon, before you answer, I've got another idea to pitch you. What if Goro's arcana was big CGI juicy fat nipples? I love that idea. Yeah, let's do that. But also, let's talk about how when Cole comes up with his brilliant plan to fight everybody one-on-one, if Raiden can transport anybody anywhere, why doesn't he just transport all of Outworld over a spike pit and then drop him on the spikes or stick him in the middle of a desert and have Sonya cap him with a sniper rifle or put him in the temple sand arena and then have all of Earthrealm's champions just beat the shit out of him. Cole's plan is a beautiful homage to the idea that in the game, there are only one-on-one punch-a-bunching. Why don't you just make the movie about the actual, you know, Mortal Kombat tournament? World-building, characterization, outhouse world, sobbing at, toasty, guffer cut, punch, punch, punch. I'm loving this energy, let me roll with it. Flashback.
After centuries of punching and acid spitting, the champions of Earthrealm introduced guns to the Mortal Kombat tournament. In the 1870 tournament, Earthrealm sent Richard Jordan Gatling with a chain gun and he cleaned up. Flying Batwoman, chain gun. Skinless Skeleton, chain gun. Guy in a mocap suit? He actually, he just fell off a ledge, but he would have a chain gun for sure.
And after the tournament, they all agreed that guns are no fun and nobody wants to block for the whole fight. So guns were banned from all future tournaments, as well as when you want to cheat in between tournaments, like in this movie. Why would Earthrealm agree to that? Because they agreed that even though guns can help in defense, in theory, Earthrealm came together and agreed as one body that it's not worth the pain, that it can cause innocence.
You better not be putting politics into my video game movie. Unrelated thought, if you scroll over, you'll see this scene that I'm proposing where Cole just eviscerates Goro with a sword that he bought using unemployment checks. He's a bit of a welfare queen. Get out of here. I actually had a lot more notes, like how Kano, the hardened mercenary, doesn't take money up front, or why Sub-Zero's Ice Storm can't break windows on an SUV, or get the crikey fuck out of here.
Fine. Oh, yeah, come over here.
Actually, there are more than seven realms. They've just been consolidated after the tournament. You know, that's actually what Earthrealm is in danger of having happen to them, because Outworld has won nine on the last 10 tournaments. If they win one more, they will take over Earthrealm and make them face.
However, there's a prophecy that said the blood of Hanzo will stop that from happening. We won't learn about that until the next movie. That's worldbuilding. |
cracked | why_all_of_this_clown_stuff_is_bullsh_t_cracked_responds | So you guys heard about these clowns appearing out of the woods. It's the only thing I've been hearing about I feel like okay You know what?
I'm very scared of clowns. I can't with clowns for real scared Yeah What I was a kid I remember I think I was like eight and I was in the back of my mom's car and a birthday clown was right next to this and he turned around and looked at me and it was the scare like like a Scary clown and he like grinned and it was like that image is in my head for the rest of my life and ever since I'm like, I can't do clowns. You can't do clowns? Well, you might have to do clowns because they're well Don't go to rural areas.
Well, the real place that I got noticed for I was South Carolina But I think it actually started in, Wisconsin Okay, so is it been a slow year for clowns so that people are like tracking where they first appeared this year I think they just were everybody was like why are all these clowns? When did this start? And so people were like, well, they're tracing it back to the great clown migration of 1955 It's like the great clown migration of Except it's creepy clowns and where they appear all clowns are creepy. Yeah You don't know what they're hiding like what's behind that makeup like no face probably If you had a normal face, why would you put clown makeup on it?
Some of them have machetes Some of them are just like luring kids into the woods like trying to offer them candy and lure them into the woods A lot of times they just like watch people. No people have been hurt. Just just clowns Also, just for the record. We've decided clowns aren't people There's a statement recently where they were like, please stop hunting clowns like colleges are hunting clowns with what like Is it a bow and arrow kind of thing? I think you just have to like go out with like instead of make a circle of salt just a circle of banana peel Start of a horror movie, but it's not like people are acting like it is so they're shooting at them But in real life, it's probably just some kids having fun Yeah People think it's a viral marketing scheme for like haunted houses cuz Halloween is coming up and like it started in August So it was like a good ramp up time and then other people think it's just like mayhem because of the election Yeah, who are the clowns voting for third party? They're all Jill Stein people Clouds just handing out prop 64 literature in California. They always have a machete cuz they're just like clear in Oh, yeah, they're just trying to go for a walk.
There should be an app I feel like someone I'm a clown tracker. Yeah, just enter an address. Are there clowns and it just says yes Yes or no if there are clowns I would love it if like you clicked on this app and it's like where's the clown and it's always within three feet Oh my god, you spend the rest of your life trying to find where this is clown It's just like breathing like joke breath on your neck It really reminds me of clock with horns when that movie came out They had those street gangs that like roam around the English countryside and like, you know Beat up a kid or whatever and it was so bad that they pulled the movie.
In fact, Kubrick had it pulled Yeah, it's interesting, right? Similarly, Stephen King put out a statement Yeah, I heard of it I love his quote.
It's just like not comforting at all.
Hey guys time to cool the clown hysteria Most of them are good cheer up the kitties make people laugh and to me. I was like, oh you just scared me more Also, most of them are good. Are they where the fuck are these good clowns? I know there are good clowns out there They're you know, they are where I've been to the circus's and were they all good clowns? Well, they're not me Where you track them whole places. I've been to one and there was a clown animals. Yeah, but the clowns were happy It's weird to me that the fear of clowns has persisted this long cuz it was like what 30 years ago But I hadn't seen it when I was afraid of clowns.
Like it's an That's fair. Yeah, you think so? It's innate?
Yeah, that's what babies cry clowns cuz like imagine it Like you see a human face, but that face is suddenly hyper colorful Like it's like an acid trip of a face. Yeah, that's also honking its nose and being like hi kids Yeah, that'll scare anybody who doesn't has never experienced that before since you're the clown stress Do you have any recommendations for what to do? Should we cite a clown? You could probably just walk away or like run away like literally the only person who's been hurt is a clown I think this is just all hype and like once the holidays come around people are gonna be like, oh Once Thanksgiving comes around the clowns will feel ashamed himself return to society. Nobody cares anymore. Everybody's so worried about the Macy Street parade Scary when I think about them. No, they're insane. But honestly if I saw a clown alone at night But he's gonna feel good about like if I ran into a clown, I wouldn't be like what a fun night This is I would just be like, all right an asshole.
What do you want? Sure dress up as clowns to scare me like fine I just think we might have a clown out there who wants to say Do any of these people have jobs do any any single one of them have a job? Why I want you to know Wikipedia that I don't know the feelings of clowns. I just you know You're gonna answer for the clowns today. Why? I guess you can let Us know if you are a clown What your feelings are and if you have a job, yeah make a defense for yourself Individual clowns who see this video and desire to comment on it. I would love to hear your treaties What's your declaration of clown dependence or whatever it is? You know, like what is that? What do you want from us?
Thank you so much for watching us respond to clowns If you liked this video please Like and subscribe or comment below We'd also love to hear if you have actually seen a clown because this has happened in every almost every state in the United States Or if you are have been a clown put your clown manifesto on in the comments below. I would like to read that. I Just want to know if you've seen one |
SaturdayNightLive | helen_hunt_monologue_jack_nicholson_impressions_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, this has been really an exciting week for me. tonight, I'm fulfilling a lifelong personal dream, getting to work with Hanson. people know this, but I'm actually the oldest Hanson. Can you see it? I bet you can. I'm also excited because my new movie, as good as it gets, with Jack Nicholson, next week, It was so amazing working with it. wait till they get a load of me. here's Johnny. Jim Brewer, everybody. you know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Yes, yes, that's great. it's a really good Nicholson impression. Wendy. never heard one of those before. give me the bat. Yeah, okay, but the thing is, I was. you didn't let me finish. Jim, please, you obviously respect Jack Nicholson, and so do I. that's great. Wendy! I don't know if now's a great time to be doing this. give me the bat. Okay, we get it, Jim. you can do Nicholson. Wendy! wait till they get a load of me. that's great, Daryl. that's great. Hi, Helen. hi, yeah.
I'm just your typical horny little devil. sounds a little more like Christian Slater, but. I am not an animal. I'm a human being. what are you doing? it's Jack Nicholson from The Elephant Man. Nicholson was not even in that movie. Oh, yes, he was.
Helen, ask me what I had for lunch today. No. come on. just ask me. Fine. what did you have for lunch today? I had a chicken salad sandwich. somehow, I thought that maybe you'd be above this.
Hi, Helen. you look nice. Thanks. Oh, working. no playmates, Jack and Dolly. Boy! not you, too.
Check this out. here's Johnny. that's great, because that's really going to fool him. here is Johnny. Here he is. Johnny. Johnny. give me the bitch. give me the bitch.
Why don't you let this nice lady alone? you know, Jack, thank God they've been assaulting me with horrible Nicholson impression. Excuse me. Mr. Nicholson, how you doing? Jim Brewer here. just want to know what you think of my impression. You want to know the truth? you can't handle the truth. |
TheOnion | Snowy_Conditions_Proving_Hazardous_For_Nation_s_Idiots | You're back in the fact zone on The Onion News Network. I'm Brooke Alvarez. We're continuing The Onion News Network's coverage of the major snowstorm still pounding the Midwest this hour.
And according to reports from the National Weather Service, the storm has been causing major problems for the nation's idiots. The latest estimates show 18 idiots in the region have already been afflicted with frostbite after accidentally locking themselves outside in their underwear. And another 12 have been severely injured when they jumped off their roofs into what they thought were deep snowdrifts.
I was gonna like grab onto the back of my buddy's truck and just like slide along behind it as he drove. It didn't work. It hurt real bad. It was too cold to scrape off the windshield and I really wanted a super slush. I don't know what else I was supposed to do.
And we'd like to urge any of our viewers who are huge idiots themselves to please have someone who knows how to work a computer help you go to The Onion News Network website where we've posted several winter weather safety tips to help dumbasses like you survive the snowstorm. The Onion News Network is News Without Mercy coming to TV January 21st only on IFC. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_98_Greig_Pickhaver_aka_HG_Nelson | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show. You're joined here today by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of The Batooter Advocate and Errol Parker, editor at large.
How are you Errol? Good mate, always good. How are you? I'm going well.
I'm excited about today's episode. It's a guest we've been chasing for quite a while. Elusive guest, a household name in Australia as we'll get into in a bit, you're a big fan as well. Yes, you know when he was walking up the stairs into the studio I thought it was the former Victorian Premier Jeff Kennett but as it turns out it was Greg Pickover. The audience might know you as H.G. Nelson but it's actually Greg. Correct.
Never knew your real name since the day. Even then at Secrets of Our City I thought you were doing that the first season under H.G. Nelson. Well it is a trick to be able to be two people and I have to ask the director every so often oh look watch out here we might end up in a bit of trouble with H.G. looming when he shouldn't but generally speaking I try and discipline myself to make a mark. What people sometimes confuse is though that the sensibility of one is different to their expectation of what it's going to be so I try and let other people tell the story I don't want to interfere too much whereas H.G. would interfere all the time and you know try and respond to what they say so I just let them try and tell it as baldly as I can. This is in your new programs but can we just start from the beginning with when you kind of first entered the public eye you became a household name you were in Alias and so was your partner in Roy and H.G. What was the decision to go Alias in the early days of your career was that to protect future work in media? Look I don't know that we thought that through that much okay this is going back a long time is we like the idea that sporting commentators were fictions of people's imagination in the way that people would think of Ray Rabbit's Warren a bloke called Rabbits you know what could it be and Warren and stuff like that and the way he talks and so on and imitating the way he talks and you know being able to do that we always thought they were characters and of course this is a bit lost now it's not quite as clear that characters play the games of rugby league or AFL or anything the great characters in the game now seem to be in things like tennis yeah so you have Kyrios and Tomik I see his back which is great news and and or you know Rafael Nadal or you know figures like that they're superstars yeah I think that's what we were trying to get to and where we kind of noticed at the time you again you don't notice this so much now is that half the commentators were old players who would still be able to do it if only management had the sense to let them run on to open the bowling to actually be in the full forward or be the hooker that they always knew they were we always felt that they were itching to get back on in the history of course we didn't realise that this would become such a thing you know that you know so you know pioneering the pioneering work of the great Sam Newman or in the AFL or you know the of course Rex Moss Apple people like that in the rugby league you know we never realised that then you'd have shows like the the bow champion if I got the right person you know that making a show on that Foxtel you know sort of a post who to show on Foxtel and the hours that you have to feel and stuff like that the inexhaustible remember it's a very simple game inexhaustible bolt on such a get into this thing when you guys first when the two of you first kind of hit the screen it probably was a perfect time it was almost peak with these characters because we had you know fatty and stir low exactly on the police show and we had Roy and hey that's right and remember of course they all had names like the bear he was in Maurice and he used to be on Channel 9 or the moose we used to be on 10 and they used to the falcon the falcon that's right and then of course the chief and then we got lucky with the parrot of course so you were able to add on things like that but I don't that's a good question I mean I don't think that we were very we just thought that was fun yeah you know we just thought that was a silly idea I always thought Nelson was a classic Australian name and Johnny says that when he grew up the cops if a car went missing or somebody you know knocked off a post box they'd always go around to the Slavens that that was a family of great repute ill repute in the area yeah so what was the transition like going from being on the radio to being on television like did you have to go and do a short course at nighter or something or no just up the energy I'm not sure really what I'd say if people would think we're listening to this and they thought I'm on radio now how do I get on television yeah yeah I'm not sure exactly what it is remember of course as you you guys are discovering luck plays such an important part in all of this is you do things that do things people don't notice all of a sudden you get lucky people notice it's a as I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know already it's it's a thing where it's a the entertainment industry is like a bus it sometimes stops at the stop you're at you clamber on it moves on then sadly of course the bus stops and asks you to get off yeah and so it's like that the idea now of course is that social media has changed all this but in the end luck still plays an enormous part it does do you remember a moment where I think personally the moment I remember was uh the Olympics the dream that you know these guys are hitting their straps do you remember was there any particular moment for you the um I've got to be honest is the show that was done before that which was called Club Buggery which was a show which not many people noticed was you know from our point of view an incredible show a parody of the sort of show that would have been at a leagues club yeah the previous generation yeah yeah you probably couldn't call a show that now you couldn't no no no no a moment when you thought this is working this is hard because often the great moments um like the when immediately asked that like the mascot bomb off in the in the Olympics I had nothing to do with it we created this fatso the fat ass wombat as a perfect Olympic mascot but then when they came to film it what they did was they did the right thing of use the technology and the commentators that were covering the Olympic diving events and apply it to a bomb off between the mascots so as you had exactly the right tone you had the intonation you had the the sort of the whole thing but I didn't have anything to do with it they dreamed it up the director and the crew dreamed it up and filmed it it's great that the production kind of worked in your favor in that particular it did and and remember I'm trying to think of a moment if you said to me okay the first television I can remember this is really hard to imagine they used nine's got a program called today which is still there but it often used to have a program before it called business today yeah and they asked business today asked us to do something and I sort of looked at the phone and thought maybe what do you want us to do now that was something where once we'd done a few of those I realized that you could apply the ideas that we had I mean the guy who ran that was a guy called Michael Pascoe anyway he's he had the idea that you could apply what we did to sport to business and I thought okay if you can do that and make it work then you can almost go anywhere with this yeah so it doesn't answer your question completely but I thought that was the first television bit where you felt as though I'm not embarrassed by doing this yeah for sure I feel like you know with your new show you're doing now which is Secrets of Our City it's not particularly new you're in season two now second second series and you are exploring a lot of different you know household names like a lot of Bondi and Fitzroy and Fremantle you've done you've covered and you've told a lot of stories that are quite interesting that people might not know that were so popular kind of at the time but you grew up in a very interesting part of Australia the Barossa Valley well you're born there well hang on hang on I should correct this is that there's a lot of suggestions on Wikipedia about where HG might have come from and whether I've bothered to correct these or not I couldn't care less honestly so it's the Barossa Valley is where HG comes from oh right comes from a completely different part it is an interesting part of Australia though the Barossa Valley and it would make a good a good subject so I was going to ask are you are you Dutch or German background do you speak no the surname is a bit hard to find an origin for it yeah the Greg is um because of the unusual spelling is uh Greg with an i yeah yeah is a is a surname in the family that is dragged back as a Christian name the surname being on the maternal side so that gets lost in the in the history of naming yeah and so it's a sort of a ridiculous idea really yeah right but and when we were kids we used to go the Barossa a lot for holidays and um I found it just a weird world the names of places the food they ate the bratwurst the whole thing of it was just weird yeah vines lavender you know you know it was just a very unusual part even though it's obviously very close to Adelaide but you were a free settler you were free settler you were yeah what a beautiful way of putting it remember of course Adelaide was set up as a business yeah it was you know it's a completely different idea of how to establish cloudy beer yeah yeah and hip-hop oh yeah the hilltop woods yeah keeping keeping a flame of flickering so so you were south Australian Adelaide yeah yeah yeah um the thing that happened was um we lived in a part which was um probably housing commission but they were separate houses I probably build that still but you weren't in the flats you were in no that's right and flat on the ground but then my parents got lucky and uh bought a block of land which was on the edge of the city I mean it's not the edge of the city now but this was growing up so surrounded by vines and they they had some idea of a sort of hobby farm idea on the edge of the city and then as luck would have it this became valuable to the expansion of the the fossil fuel industry and so they were able to sell the uh land or a petrol station and a hotel yeah that fueled a certain change in our fortunes or the family's fortunes so you were kind of an outskirts and outskirts and pissed off that me family decided to move from that part which is all bikes and uh jumping off the jetty and all that sort of stuff at Brighton to the other side of town which had none of that yeah yeah and in fact there were kids that we knew in the patch and all that sort of stuff when we went to the other side of town it was really hard to find people who you knew in the area it was a bit disappointing prospect is the prospect it is the home of the RM Williams boot it is the home of the RM Williams boot you know you're Adelaide yeah that's good that's good it's on the tag yeah that's right that's right that's right there we go five percy street prospect five percy street prospect that's right now you uh you spent a bit of time working as a roadie yeah okay is this hg or is this uh no this would be greg um hg couldn't get that sort of employment what happens here is is that i've got no musical skill at all but i was always kind of able to you know from a background of building sets might have been the first job i got in the theatre to thinking well i can put this together this plugs in here and so on to being able to understand certain things about how bands operated i spent a lot of time doing that and because there was a certain restlessness and everybody at that's at that age of their life were able to kind of get jobs and this has got to do with adelaide being a place where bands came to so they're always looking for help meaning that the main roadie had come and you're the assistant roadie a lot of a lot of the great roadies came from adelaide we we've actually met a couple especially with that kind of um 10 pound palm era rock ah well yeah that's true so elizabeth so elizabeth the octagon uh although it gets very confused because think big bands like the old bands like the masters apprentices they're glenell based but there's tons of bands that come from adelaide life kind of get going and then move on yeah yeah and they take and they take the local lads with them yeah that's right that's right so you didn't get taken with billy no the other way around billy thorp came and i got to work with him there yeah uh it didn't mean that i didn't work with other bands and in fact that that became quite a thing early on so i could understand how to make concerts and we did a lot of work with triple r in the early days and so on with uh you know live concerts live events so john doyle uh roy yes sir he's he's a he's a south australian as well oh no no no no christ no yeah no christ no no no he's lithgow lithgow and newcastle oh beautiful two beautiful towns especially when he was a kid well rugby league rugby league yeah he he has that cold town twang he does yeah him and laurie oaks yes that's right no he uh grew up in lithgow and like very proudly lithgow and then i think went to uni at newcastle which is a very common thing in those days yeah yeah i'm not sure where that pattern goes he actually might have been there before the prisons which uh would have been a very different town back when who was the flash came out of there uh marjorie jackson marjorie jackson yeah yeah well that's three says he says that um at um school holidays he worked in the the armaments factory which i'm not sure what the history of that is but he would go down and make bullets if you put your windows down driving over the blue mountains you get down past lithgow and if you smell carefully you can smell the wheat mix factory and as you leave town you can smell the tic tac factory and it smells exactly what you imagine it smells like just burning tic tacs wow isn't that great now the latter one i wouldn't have known but the other one the smell of the brewery always reminds me of wheat mix soaking in piss particularly pungent tone to it note to it so you obviously had to do a bit of learning as a full-blown south australian because for a lot of queenslanders you exist in the mind of those origin kind of yes rebel pirate commentaries you do of origin where you came up with some of the greats you know petrol 70 cents a liter brick with eyes all that stuff you had to you had to learn a whole game which a lot of people from down south don't do unless they have a gambling problem they don't learn uh another football code that's right okay well the the thing here is is that i taught roy about afl and he taught me about rugby league and it is hard to learn a game as an adult because rules never make any sense yeah why is it six tackles yeah why is a forward pass disallowed that was a forward pass why the scoring in tennis there you go there you go you can only learn them as a kid so what happened was that i had uh interest i was lucky enough to kind of hit the league when i think um the eels were a very dominant side so they win their first flag and all that sort of stuff and they had sturlow and all those the zip zip man etc etc etc the the guru and so on and so this was a very easy transition to make because of the things we were talking about earlier yeah that somehow you'd created this team of characters yeah larger than life characters jack gibson with the fur that's right yeah ding dong the witch is dead you know he looks like um one of those guys sitting front row at an ali fight with the with the mink indeed indeed i i mean i didn't have much no i don't it's true and remember of course the world around it is so we're so things like the taj mahal and the show the game at cog rover and then everybody going over to the taj mahal and stuff like that or the penreth panther story or stuff like this yeah i mean all of that seemed to me sort of rich as an outsider too rich to ignore yeah in terms of humor in the same way as you know sort of rural australia now it's really large as a great exploit do you think it's as easy to find humor in afl obviously you know with with the nrl it's just it's it's a never-ending show yeah where scrappers that come through and make good yes that's right that's right it kind of seems like you know from the perspective of a queenslander that there is some type of decorum that there is in in afl that doesn't really exist in rugby league um i think it's title i think that the one of the problems for the afl at the moment is going through a stage where the game is so sanitized that it's and governance is the only thing of interest so is concussion or uh you know transferring from one team to another team free agency um you know the essendon saga really buggered it up with the the father-son rule too the father-son rule yeah so it's what yeah that's right so you have all these things that are kind of they're i notice they're going to play a game for the fire people you know they're raising money for the fire but i'm not sure where we're up to with this but anyway the fire all the fires are out yeah all the fires are out that's right that's why they call the game anyway wait until a player gets injured a key player gets injured they're howling over there yeah you know in these sort of things where i where i think it is sort of you know it's got itself into a funny relationship to society as a whole where people somehow seem to think that the the way that the afl behaves is the way the whole of australia should behave and last year they got into terrible trouble you may remember a couple of matches where they were overzealous in policing the crowd so much so they had people on the boundary one of whom stepped in and appeared to want to separate a couple of players and i thought whoa this is just way too far yeah yeah well see the thing is the nrl throws caution to the wind it does it does i mean on the weekend at the nines i was just reading that st george lost their three marquee players to injuries in a in a pre-season nines exhibition so they do throw caution to the wind and i've got to say is that there's something about the the league where you know i mean the matthew lodge story i mean will we ever have somebody able to write it that's the problem now the the story of a lad who went to new york and realized that no one knew about rugby league and he would show them about all about rugby league by obviously kidnapping people in the apartment and saying you know i want to marry you and all this sort of stuff and then come back and then as luck would have it found himself in the broncos who rehabilitated in the redemption story writ large and he decided to pay out of his own money the civil the civil damages that were awarded to the family to a hostage and now of course he was then going to be part of the leadership group even more redemption and now he's done something i want to say acl yeah he is out acl has he's going to spend more time off the field because of an acl than the aforementioned uh kidnapping in new york under donald trump unfortunate hand see the rugby league does more redemption work than the catholic church yeah yeah definitely and also a lot of marketing it is marketing our friends on hella sport they could call it marketing in in the afl they call it a scandal in fact it probably doesn't even make it to the newspapers because they've got a very good rug in the afl they yeah i this is an interesting question i'm not sure exactly how they're going to get out of it i mean the players who would normally would come up through the ranks and be thought about as draft prospects to continue the tradition of favela or plug a locket they just don't get a game well dusty is the closest thing but he's he's a rugby league product as well he is he could easily be one a player who could swap from afl into rugby league quite effortlessly and culturally like just very close seamlessly yeah very close the idea he left his car in the mcg car park for months afterwards you know he caught a flight the next day's car yeah that's right yeah i just also like the idea that you know that they let it stay there exactly exactly i think probably you'd find in the afl there's a lot of stories that aren't making it into the news because the the afl news is very sanitized and remember of course we have more people covering afl than we do playing the game yeah so the stories are spread very thin yeah there's a lot of people in melbourne these days aren't they that's right well and remember of course the great thing is if you want an afl story adelaide's the place to go because the stupid rivalry between port power and the crows even more so than the west oh that's a good question i don't know it'd be an ear-rung thing. Adelaide's a smaller population to to saturate a town with two afl teams yeah and remember you've got idiots running around in the media like corns who has to draw attention to himself by saying the most ridiculous things and that's where it's gone now it's going into that level again yeah rather than being on the field yeah yeah the outrage should stay um in in the stands really that's right that's right that's right yeah i know and it's an interesting problem i mean i do think a lot about it why why the afl finds it extremely difficult to do anything that's sort of right so as you're explaining you're off site about the thing about the seven and the um desire to kick more goals and so they changed the rules they made a foolish mistake in my view in asking a member of each team to come into the goal square at the bounce they should have just asked the defender to go in the goal square because this would give you a roaming a roving forward or you know attacker to try and get the ball and kick more goals but they had the lowest score since 1952 and the advertisers didn't get there indeed they were crying on the reverse not all the way to the bank but wherever they cry when they're not going to the bank to the atm yeah and the show this week which certainly is a big one is presented to you by stan's brand new season of better call saw that's right saw the dodgy lawyer who was the star of the breaking bad prequel certainly would have excelled if he was around during the so joe era wouldn't he clance yes i think he would have errol because he gets things done unlike most legal eagles and sir joe got things done as well and in fact the way saw goodman gets things done makes for very good entertainment yep the brand new season of better call saw has officially kicked off with new episodes dropping the same day as the us and that's only on stan so sign up today for your 30-day free trial and rip in makes for great entertainment now you have covered the culture of sport all codes the olympics which which was a great little um glow up for australian uh you know media to have all these uh international athletes in australia a lot of them were watching you late at night now you are turning your uh your craft to something a bit different which is enclaves of australia as opposed to you know um institutions and football and and sport you're now focusing on suburbs and towns um this is in the in a program as we said uh series two which is uh the secrets of our city i actually tuned in the first series and i was actually blown away by what i learned about bondi beach who could have known all those stories about you know dragon and those bands and kind of read redirected the sewerage through a rock concert and all those all the heroin yeah that's right well that's writ large yeah yeah yeah all the kiwis and then bondo that i remember yeah it's just like yeah the les naughton bondi you've got on one end of the beach you've got russian jews and the other end of the beach you've got maori new zealanders and is that always been an interest for you just you know scraping the surface on on what people do look okay it is i mean i i'm endlessly fascinated i mean honestly i'm way more interested in finding out about you here at the moment than telling you what i've done you're talking about what i've done and when you look at it i'm five thousand times more interested in that uh partly because i know what i've done so and you know sort of don't feel as though i have to tell anybody about it because that's me i'm interested in you and how you got to do this my own advice would be in terms of these things is apart from treating it like a bus trip is to try and be a moving target so the thing is is that because we don't because i don't just do one thing i can't willingly suspend disbelief enough to call rugby league all the time yeah uh so what i want to do is i don't want to get tagged too much with this thing because i the only thing you know is that that'll go out of fashion yeah yeah that'll not be there in a couple of years time so you're kind of looking for a golden thread between well done yeah perfect perfect perfect so what i'm always doing is trying to look for the next thing yeah but the next this is the really good thing for me to work on because it allows me to be the gatekeeper to your story yeah or your story it's not to do with me in opposing yeah thinking oh well you made a mistake here why didn't you do that it's to hear the drama of your life the drama of you know your experience and the changes that the experience that you had how it affected you that's a that's writ large and that and that's what interests you yeah it is it is one of the great things of the tempo of the times is people don't seem to want to learn from experience yeah they might they don't want to know that the whale cops it it might be dick anymore yeah they just don't want to know well tell us some of the things you learned listening to these people around around around australia um kind of calgouli fitzroy okay what surprised you the most what was the biggest revelation i got one thing that i've always well i was always down on malcolm fraser you know because i always thought he was a very conservative figure i was straight in the blue razor fraser yeah that's right that's right that's right uh vote mal eat pal you know that sort of stuff anyway that one not even shorten could have come up with that one in in in footscray there's this huge mural which is in the show to him because the vietnamese community yeah and i'm thinking well you know i've got to talk about this and i don't feel that comfortable about talking malcolm fraser but then you hear the stories and what he actually allowed i mean remember tempo the times stuff i mean it's never going to be peter dutton he's never going to i'm honest telling you now it's never going to get the treatment in a show that malcolm fraser gets then still in that area the alice peng the writer you know she's a writer her dad is camp they're cambodian and he walks out of cambodia into vietnam to escape the kamir rouge this is in the 70s then discovers he can't be a refugee in vietnam so he walks out of vietnam back into cambodia and walks south into thailand where he's able to become which is a hell of a long way i mean this is a person yeah serious i mean serious dedication i mean i couldn't do any of this and um walks into thailand and becomes a refugee to australia and stays in the midway hostel in footscray and i said on how did you how did you begin work and he said well the first day i was there somebody offered to take me to work oh no they got a job that's right he got a job and found his way to work and was it was making trailers you know like box trailers and he said within a day the the other people at work said oh where do you live and they said oh well i stay in the midway hostel i will give you a lift yeah this is how to dandenong and you think wow what yeah what an amazing before people pulling the ladder up yeah that's right correct correct it was a remarkable place yeah or the the it helps when you're a good catholic well separate issue yeah so what happens then the next thing that happens was well remember redemption they can play rugby league uh the other thing was things like the guy cavallaro and son comes from the the islands north of uh sicily yeah and the granddad i'm not sure what brought the granddad to australia there was quite a lot of italian immigration before the second world war at the time of the second world war all the italians were interred you probably know all of this and then as soon as they and very treated very badly assets seized uh finances seized forced into a forced labor and then as soon as they get out and return home the first thing they see on the on the film at the newsreel was arthur corwell saying and i'm off to italy to get a whole heap more of migrants who are going to make this country great yeah and they look well hang on a minute we've been here all this time etc like this it was ever that and in this particular lot of those uh up north a lot of those italians were kind of brought in for a little loophole post-white australia policy where they didn't have to pay him as much so they were indentured and then interned and uh i think there is a rather uh strong anti-cop sentiment in some of these towns to this day because oh okay yeah well okay and there are also lots of italians who came in because um they were prisoners of war but where after the second world war no during the second world war okay and they were brought back here yeah jesus that doesn't sound too uh it's a very you know the worst of those are of course uh the uh the blackbirding episodes of the you know in the in the northern part of clean state so yeah you same before you did the gold coast which is great that someone's doing this because as far as anyone outside of the gold coast would tell you and living there now it's a very transient population gold coast is just real estate agents and white shoes and and all of that but there was this a whole lot of different waves and cultural kind of uh demographics and even people didn't sometimes people didn't even surf there for a long time that's true in fact in fact it's the the surface paradise part comes from rough water swimming yeah not surfing as we understand it yeah and bob mctavish i think is the person who pioneered a lot of it in the southern part and so that superbank that's there at the moment and cool and gather on places like that the southern part of that's within living memory being surfed yeah i mean you're not as a teenager obviously but within you know the the the current wave of surfers who are surfing that's still uh something that's just developed relatively recently but back to the uh blackbirding as you're mentioning you said there was a lot of south sea islander bands uh getting around the gold coast yes is that in the same kind of regard is it the same kind of people or is that no i don't i don't think i think they're completely separate yeah remember of course is that and i'll never get the numbers right the blackbirding starts about 1880 i think just as slavery is winding down in america so people are shanghaied off islands and bought in as indentured labor and sold to plantations and then the white australia policy kicks in in the 1920s or you know in the 1900s and all these people who have come as forced labor are then sent willy nilly back to islands in the pacific and of course if you were samoan and turned up in tonga you were dead yeah yeah yeah and so they had no regard to where these the the powers in queensland in particular had no regard to where these people went just an island's an island to them thanks very much an island's an island and a person who looks tongan is equally good island yeah yeah etc so is and there's that i don't know if we mentioned this this rather sad cemetery there on the near i'll never get it's certainly been taken over by golf golf course and so it's been moved the cemetery that acknowledged all of this was plowed under by a golf course by the council and have to move down the road where it's is this on the gold coast on the gold coast right hidden behind a uh a series of on a nearer roundabout my streets on the gulf coast very vague yeah hang on i might be in northern new south wales now yeah well they they are working they're working pretty hard to protect the wall that was built in the tweed by uh by the south sea islanders okay yeah okay so i think i think this is yeah this is the cemetery maybe in the gold coast maybe in a golf course it's just south of the tweed yeah right so but that's very bad um chindera well done yeah well done yeah chindera cemetery yeah the mowery influence everyone's always made jokes about uh the kiwis living on the gold coast but the the way they talk about it is modern times holiday is uh you know young blokes coming over like they used to do to bondi or marubra young blokes coming over for a good time find a bit of work in construction maybe play a bit of footy but you found that it was much longer ago that this was happening on the gold coast yeah that this is something where the i mean i've not considered uh you know emigration because of entertainment but of course that's writ large you know like uh in the modern era you know you've probably got i mean the bleeding obvious here things like crowded house and so on old man you know and and that's rustle throw as well yeah yeah he came here to entertain that's right you know they were talking about the other day and they said rustle crow's going to be on i thought oh you beauty 30-odd footed and stuff like this but sadly it was just a video message from rustle coming out with an acoustic guitar singing something so the history of mowery entertainment into australia is obviously a tried and true thing yeah and there's a lot of odd things like as i understand it i think it was 2sm like out of sydney could be heard in new zealand at night that's hard to imagine that they had so much grunt that they could get to new zealand really so you could hear on the am on the am not fm yeah that's right but they would send that across whoa i don't think they deliberately did it that was just a thing that you yeah we'll see at night i think um am travels a lot further because it doesn't have to compete with the solar radiation or something yeah right yeah so they could hear sm yeah and remember sm was the big rock station so then now now it's john lawes yeah that's right now yeah that's right and you've never been trucked like this before yes that's like that classic album now um before that though there i'm not sure exactly how this happened but the idea was that the gold coast was party central yeah so they had these it was a place where you could get off the hook yeah so they had lots of things to do like with the rise of the bikini or the the rise of as you're pointing out coming down and getting wrecked yeah so they had to entertain and from i'm pretty sure the local council both turned a blind eye but realized if you started measuring the height of bikini bottoms that people would automatically think well bugger it will wear less than what they want you know stuff like that so it had that meter maids meter maids so this is under sergio that era kind of oh yeah yeah right back then queenslands puberty and then remember of course you know there was those weird things that i seem to remember from as a child of people being sprayed with mutton fat yeah yeah the beach inspectors sunscreen sunscreen of the era yeah so the mayor of the gold coast used to wear a bolo tie like it was real wild west it was very funny and these pajama parties seemed to be the origin of it and i'm not sure exactly pajama party i know it's a weird form of entertainment that people would go home put their pajamas on and then go out but that was what you did on the gold coast yeah went in rome yeah put the pajamas on so there was this rather loose for one of a better way of a word that i'm not even sure what it means yeah anyway jupiter's casino yeah in the modern era but they had that string of hotels rather large hotels which did cater for family holidays but the kids were in bed mum and dad could go out in the pajamas and then out of that they had to actually have something that's right with which then somehow drew people to the hotels so one hotel and i'm going to struggle here there was the famous surface paradise hotel and then there were about the island yeah there might have been about up to 10 hotels as is often the way put on a variation of what was there in the first place which obviously was some variation on a mowery show band yeah and then they all seemed to occupy this weird space where but they all did the same thing they all a mixture of rock and mowery songs and south sea islanders and language and culture and uh i assume you know grass skirt swaying and things like this as well as close harmonies and stuff like this and so it and then they all roamed around and were able to it's hard to imagine they all could play bass guitar as well as the saxophone interchangeable interchangeable completely interchangeable and so every pub had one of them going on they did they did and occasionally like there there were old entertainers who somehow made it out of that a famous one is ricky may now he's long gone but he was my only contact with it at all was he may seem to be able to do all of this yeah and i can't remember them touring even though obviously people who are listening to this might remember oh you know they came down into new south wales or maybe even to sydney to some of the because as you're pointing out there were way earlier generations of new zealanders here and the the numbers boomed of might have been i think there's in the show it was uh something like 600 in a certain time but then a few years later is into the thousands yeah yeah well they yeah the hunters and all the all those different bands i mean they brought music with them that was that's right that's right and like the hunter uh mark and um and todd todd good on you mark and todd they grew up in a family that was i think one of them yeah that's right the mum or the dad was virginian and they so they'd sing around and they learned all this stuff as children and so there was never any they just inhaled it yeah yeah and then moved down to bondi and uh really ripped in yeah even in bondi though by the time they come to bondi there's a much sort of harder edge to it i i mean i think it's um i mean back to the smack um you know there's a much there was just a much of the smack yeah yeah much more yeah you know yeah yeah a tempo of the times yeah getting named in the royal commissions all that yeah that's right remember of course this was a this was a time up there where people were beginning to seek it out as a holiday destination yeah yeah yeah and all those bands as you pointed out in your bondi episode were integral in getting the sewage redirected because it was the beach was covered in shit that was another the thing was about that they thought that they'd have maybe a hundred people turn up the fact they got quarter of a million they said there was 250 000 people on the beach for a music concert jesus rose tattoo that era that's right that's sort of very uh a very uncompromising music i mean it's hard to hard to kind of remember that the the bands could actually pull that sort of crowd yeah and that whole thing was just for the they tried to what they did was they had a a sewage outfall it's got to do with the history of syringe in the city which is itself an interesting thing and they would i mean i can clearly remember going and swimming there and thinking god the first thing i've got to do is have a shower well that's what they said the bondi cigar that was the turd in fact there was a band called the bond i think they were around for a long while and um it was a place where it's okay after the second world war you could buy a because of the japanese attacks on sydney you could buy a house there for a hundred pound everybody had fled to the blue mountains um and so and that's actually why the jewish community took such a big hold of the area because they said this has got nothing on europe right now they're a couple submarines yeah that's right that's right and also then you had that i kind of wish they'd come back go down to volclue pick up a house for a hundred pound now the the a quick story here is to do with how the rise and fall of the suburb they allowed high rise to be built especially upon the what i call the dover high team yeah high rise to be built up there which then fell into disrepair and became cheap housing and this was reflected even down on campbell parade so much so that within living memory in my living memory it wasn't a sort after address bondi in the way it is now when we made the the bondi episode we got a taken around by a real estate guy and he said if you're not a cfo or a ceo i can't talk to you yeah because i can't see their property yeah yeah yeah so the the whole thing has changed from something where my partner's younger sisters used to live there but they were almost in they would consider they were slumming it yeah and the whole pattern was to move there and then drift down the coast yeah so you build up a bit of money there and drifted down towards marubra yeah right and and then eventually nowadays have been cost out further south oh i know malabar even beyond that yeah it's changed dramatically well let's skip chronola go straight down to the guy yeah move straight in sometimes they drip down to long bay yeah now what else are you um are you getting up to you do you do any you're doing stage well they're okay we're just sort of rust never sleeps but um what's happened is we've just finished finished a rather abruptly a stint with macquarie sports radio yep and they've gone through a big management change and we got we got fired once and then rehired now we've been fired again from that so we're not working for sport radio anymore and we're not sure exactly what's going to happen today um we're kind of hopeful that somehow you know how all the television sorry all the platforms are fishing for television content so twitter instagram and so on are all nosing around television content what you're laughing what i'm calling television content uh so we're thinking that maybe there might be an opportunity especially say with the tokyo olympics to come in and do something with that well let's put the word out now uh greg because we know these execs are listening to the batutah advocate podcast we have two ready willing and able with um with runs on the board so give them a call the difficulty is the same way for you guys is that you don't really want us well there's nothing to tell really because there's a lot of moving bits and there's many a slip between cup and lip in what we do yeah yeah the format exists you're still royn hg oh yeah yeah we're still more than happy to work as royn hg and still the enjoyment still remains the same i want to find out about what roy's thinking about this the uh rugby league season just getting underway the nines or whatever it is and i find out exactly the same time as you so i don't want to know beforehand i want to ask him and you know has matthew lodge got a future in rugby league or is it the end for the plucky he could be a pathways ambassador the pathways ambassador grassroots liaison officer yeah that's right pathways ambassador that's right errol and i back in 2018 did a national tour as the batutah advocate editors and got to meet a lot of the um dribblers that that kind of read us religiously around the country uh some places were not as popular melbourne being one of them adelaide we got moved down from the entertainment center to the gov but um in in in brisbane we got qpac um and and that was as you said you know we jumped on the bus and that was the time to get on and that was the time to do something live have you royn hg ever sit um on a table with a bottle of scotch and do anything in that capacity um well the difficulty with that we have in the past but it's always connected with something else so as we have done live radio shows yeah i'm not sure exactly how successful they have been and we made live television the problem with stand-up for us is is that it doesn't it doesn't hold our attention as an as a thing to do so and of course you know you make a television program you think oh you might reach 100 people you make a stand-up show you might reach 10 so it's very time consuming and we're not interested in repeating things so people who do stand-up tend to repeat the same thing over and over again yeah if we did that we'd just change it all the time yeah you can't you can't run off a script i don't think so no no i mean you can but and you you know you can play hamlet but um what what we prefer to do is think well something else has happened let's talk about that you you did work in the circus though at some point yeah well the circus was uh one of those things where by um we early on there's a lot of uh work done in theatre and education you know that i don't know if you've ever encountered this idea that somehow that by taking plays and events out to schools you can somehow improve the quality of reading and writing and arithmetic oh this is what they used to call edutainment oh okay there you go okay it's got other things other names okay so in in this we as an offshoot of this we developed a circus i suppose a series of circus acts and i was an understander meaning i was at the bottom of the pyramid or the the too high or whatever it was eventually i bugged my knees doing that so so i had to hang up the um the jock strap as it were um thank you for joining us good luck with the next season i hope we can get three four five more out of these ones because it sounds like if you can make the gold coast sound like an interesting place that's had all these things happen you you can do anything when are you going to stop well we'd like to go to broom and then i was thinking like woolloongong you know you can go much more regional things and people say well warnable why stop you know you can go anywhere with that yeah the one great thing about it though is is that the the stories of are unbelievable that people come and survive the most ridiculous hardship and um you know just to find a place here and of course they add immeasurably the not a popular view in some parts immeasurably to the quality of life and have changed completely how australians live well we'll take you down to the uh french quarter of batilla very good we'll take you down there oh yeah the french quarter just around the corner here for some oyster mornay um and uh yeah and we'll um we'll be in touch thanks for joining us greg that's okay good luck |
cracked | proof_we_don_t_know_anything_about_the_universe | Professor Scott Bug is the current Vice Learn fellow in charge of space at the Cosmolarium of Wiese-Strupshirebrook in London on Hildredge, Utah. Bug got his start in education by walking into classrooms and speaking until escorted out. He has five degrees in remedial advanced and two in just science. Professor Bug recently received the Jeff Award for discovering the two best moons of Titan.
Both are named after him, so Scott and Scott.
As if from nothing came something, our universe, on, meaning not, an I-verse derived from apple, trademark. So we are asked, what is not an apple?
The oranges, our orange, our on, I-verse, trademark. Now, the orange is not only like our universe, words-tically. That's the study of linguishers, which is a silly word for language. But the orange is like our universe in at least eight other ways. Both have the color orange about them. The universe is orange sometimes.
They're both spooky round. They're both the same basic size, like average, over life. You know, because like the universe was once the tiniest. But now it's like the most big so far. So, you know, it's basically orangish size, like the mean size.
What else? They're both fresh, as in hip or cool.
Each is a thing made of small things that aren't just like smaller versions of the original thing. Like an orange is not just made of smaller oranges. The universe is not made of smaller universes. But the universe is made of oranges, and an orange is made of universes.
Both got seeds in them, so there's another one. And the final similarity, each can be considered like, yeah, I just considered both of them. Oh, one last one. They are both complete mysteries to the realm of science.
Like, seriously. What? Anyone? Didn't think so.
And those are just the first eleven of the exactly twelve similarities between the orange and the universe. What's the twelfth one? It's love. Because unlike the orange, which was created by our universe and its many processes, the universe was made by nothing at all.
My next lecture, how is that even possible, man? Well, next time, six days from tomorrow. So, a week from today. I don't actually know. Next time is what I'll say. No, I want to eat the universe. |
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