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cracked | the_worst_idea_in_the_history_of_theme_restaurants | You know what the difference is between you and me? You're all your children's house! Well, hey there.
At Jurassic Brigade, we make the best cretaceous period dinosaur burgers by extracting what scientists call DNA from what scientists call mosquitoes. And we use those things to create dinosaurs. Then we cook them up real nice for you with a side of fries or more dinosaur. And hold onto your guts, because we've got not one, but two, tens of, so 20. Try our 20 different kinds of dino sauce, which is our fun way of saying ice cream. It's all made from, but doesn't taste like dinosaur. Also, hold onto your butts. It's fucking dinosaur, and it'll give you the shits. And if you're not into dinosaur, don't worry.
We've also got goat. Vegetarian, sorry, hit the road, because we've got dinosaur and goat. Our egg sandwiches are simply to die for. Want a meal for your kids?
We got that. Have them pick which friend to sell them if they want, because we've taken each. Slapped it on the plastic lunchbox, and now we're selling it. We're selling it.
Also comes with a free egg sandwich. Our scientists work night and day, making more dinosaurs, and we got basically one guy watching all the alive dinosaurs. So you don't have to deal with people, it's great. Our automated cashiers will help you order with ease. Would you like some fries with that? Come on down opening weekend, get a free egg sandwich. We've got tons. Jurassic Burger, where delicious finds a way. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_gameshow | And now, the host of Bleep Bloop, Jeff Rubin! Thank you, Sam. Welcome to Bleep Bloop.
This week, we're going to be playing video games based on game shows. Let's meet the contestants. Contestant number one, all the way from College Humor.com. Please give it up for Pat Cassels. Contestant number two, a stand-up comedian from New York City. Jamie Rhee! And a writer from the Onion Sports. Please put your hands together for contestant number three, Dan Klein.
Our first round will be Wheel of Fortune Deluxe Edition and remember the contestant with the lowest score will be eliminated. On the Wheel of Fortune on Nintendo that I played, I lost to the computer and then they made you watch the computer.
Oh, nice haircut. I got to say, these games have excellent avatar selections.
That dude is easy as later. I'm going to spin the wheel, Jeff. So that's your power meter going up and down. You got to press it. You make the Jeopardy people look cool. I want full blast here. I love the background. Oh, come on. I know my Wheel of Fortune, Jeff. I'm going to go for R. All right, it's a place. Let's see if you can solve.
Well done, Jamie. Thank you. I have nothing but ill real for you.
Oh shoot. I really don't know what it is. Go with the X. Sorry, Dan. I missed it. I like to solve the puzzle, Jeff. Jack London, right? Yeah. Pat solves the puzzle and Dan is eliminated from Bleep Loop Game Show Edition. Sorry.
Again, I hope you'll stick around for round two, Hollywood Squares. Pat won the coin to us during the title screen, so he'll go first. Pat, please choose a celebrity from our panel of megastars.
What? Dads. Oh, Dads from the 80s. Ruth? What is this?
You guys remember Ruth? She was huge in the 80s. Hey, it's me, Ruth.
Went to like walk in. I'm going to go with his neighbor.
Star of Robocop 2.
Pam. True or false. Storing your pantyhose in the freezer will prolong their life. False. I mean, that's what. No. Pam gives a joke answer and then you just agree or disagree.
I thought you told me you were really good at Hollywood Squares. Sorry. Press a button, I guess. Pat, I like that you did just say it to Jeff, though. Please hell with your varicose veins, though. Pam, you son of a bitch.
According to the New Testament, we are all born with original religion. What is the only thing that can remove it? Whoa. What edgy comedian is going to make a joke about this? Ruth's answer is living a good life. Agree? Disagree. Correct. Baptism.
This got really, really, really fast. Circle gets the square and Jamie is moving on to our final round. Fast money.
I like how they put New Testament in quotation marks. It seems like oddly subversive. According to the so-called Bible. My God, it's so ready.
Tell me how many years of pro football career are us? Ask my guy from real afford to know. Come out of the isolation booth. All right, Dan. Jamie put 55 points on the board. A lot of ground to make up, but still a lot of number one answers out there.
Name a teenager's most prized possession. Privacy type in privacy. That's all I wanted when I was a teenager. Name something a man likes to show off.
You know, you could have said penis for both this and the last one. We asked 100 people.
Okay, the game's just going through it. That's fine. Finally, if 45 people said daughter, three, everybody loses. Nobody wins. Just go home. All right. Good man.
Congratulations to Jamie. You did not win that trip to space camp, but you're still going home. We'll link to your website beneath the video. So congratulations. Thank you everyone for playing and I'll see you next time. Contestants of bleep bloop stay at the Sheridan hotel. |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_perry_martin | Welcome to Hello, My Name Is. I'm Pat and here's how the show works.
We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview. Our makeup artist today is Hannah.
Hannah, are you ready? Yes. Josh, are you ready? I'm ready to go. Then let's do it! Oh my God. Yeah!
Oh, you look good. Oh my God, I look like my dad. Well, I was an extra in Jumanji. I look in the mirror every day and I think about Jesus.
Hey, little girl. Where are you going? You in there? Seriously, let me in. Come on, let me in.
Good evening. This is current, timely issues, important matters. I'm joined tonight by a very special guest. Why don't you introduce yourself? Hello, everyone. My name is Perry Martin. Perry, thank you so much for coming in. How's it going?
Tell us a little about what you do. I am a musician and I am an animal rights activist and an avid animal rights activist. Tell us about your music career.
Well, my music career began at birth and when I was born, that's what I knew I wanted to do. As a baby, all I did was sing and coo. Most parents say, baby, baby Perry is cooing. But I was singing, Pat, from an early age. And that became an album, your first album.
Baby Boyz Coo. I think we actually have a... Yeah, this is a section of, this is the chorus into the bridge into the initial verse. Let's take a listen. Baby Boyz Coo. Ooh. What was going through... Here we go now. More. Baby Boyz Coo.
What was going through your head when you wrote that track? Well, I was just thinking about my father. And his accident. Absolutely. Recall that accident.
He was drinking and driving and drove into a shark tank. And the sharks ate him? Oh no, he killed all the sharks. It had Mafis itself and other creative outlets. My Father Killed Sharks was my second album.
It was when I woke up and I realized that I didn't have a great relationship with my father. At least I was at the time of my life when I felt like maybe my relationship was fake and that my father was a fake. Which is why my dad as a fake was a single off of My Dad Killed Sharks. Every track on that was my dad was conceptually. My dad is a fake. My dad hit me. My dad hit me emotionally. My dad was never there for me. My dad. My dad and my mom together again in heaven again. And my dad, once you come back, it'd make me glad.
And then the bonus track helped me. You said you wanted to unveil your new project tonight on this very show. My new project is an album that regards an issue very close to my heart and always has. And that's Animal Rights. There's a famous poem. I don't know it verbatim.
But it's something like, let us pray for the animals. They can't speak for themselves. We must protect them. We must feed them when they're hungry. We must take them in when they're sick.
How do you know what the cats and dogs are thinking? You can understand what they're saying. You can understand what they say. You can understand the meow or the bark or the neigh.
Perry Martin, save us. What's your current project?
Well, besides animals, I'm a gun lover and I'm a gun owner. I do have, this is a .45 Magnum Silver Caliber Sigma. And this one, as you can see here, it's very, very, well, it's a real fucking weapon.
Saving animals is a war. And you're either for them or you're against them. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Podcast_Ep_113_Sir_Bob_Geldof | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show recording live from the Diamantina Shire and the Old City District here at Desert Rock FM. Now you're joined today by of course myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batooter Advocate and of course editor at large Errol Parker. Today we have a guest who actually you know it's it's quarantine everyone's quarantining right around the world we're getting pretty lucky with the guests because there's a lot of people sitting at home they're learning how to use zoom they're learning how to keep in touch and they've got a lot of time on their hands and because of that we've been lucky enough to land ourselves an interview with sir Bob Geldof I'm not sure if he appreciates the sir Australian sir maybe in some circles yeah yeah when I'm trying to get into a crowded restaurant or in the Commonwealth it definitely might not fly in the Republic but anyway no guys it's just I've done you know I ran out of papers to talk to in the lockdown you know so you're sort of bottom of the list really so you know finally I got there but great you know I'm glad we beat Murdoch to you.
Now where are you based at this moment all we got obviously was a was a zoom address I'm in Kent I'm in Kent I've got a place in Kent about 50 miles out of London the weather has been the hottest spring ever I think it is it's the driest May so in those terms it's been I got the family around because they bailed out of London as well which was the epicenter it's moved now so they're around and I have the most mowed lawn and the most cleaned car ever and as soon as Kenny Rogers died I noticed a vacancy so I grew a white beard that's my contribution to the standstill you're at the point now where you're mowing you're mowing tennis courts now after 36 years the boomtown rats have released a new album and it's also accompanied by a book that you've written and a film that's coming out soon just to take it back to the start you've come out of South Dublin you've gone into these odd jobs you worked in a slaughterhouse you worked on the roads what I really want to know is is that your first real gig in music was in in Vancouver I mean that's not really a real epicenter for young Irish like it is down here in Australia I mean how did you find yourself in Vancouver all those years ago one of the gigs as you said was working on the roads and I could drive heavy machinery the Terex t24 if you ever seen them they're the big things with 12-foot high heels heels that would good wheels with an engine in the front and back and a digger in the middle I could I could drive those things there were jobs in the with the road stop building in Britain in the winter because the rain and that you just can't really dig up the roads jobs were advertised for mining gold north of the Yukon in the Arctic Circle the money was insane so not really yeah so I was an illegal immigrant I worked in the abattoir then in the slaughterhouse because they'd only let you work in the Arctic if you had a woman with you and I'd just been dumped and so I had to go back to Ireland as the dumpy and you know try and woo my true love to come with me up to the fucking Arctic Circle which as you can imagine was not that attractive having just been done stinking of awful and so I worked in the slaughterhouse you know she eventually agreed to come with me the deal was that women would be on 50% pay for six months while they trained and then they'd be on equal pay with men but it's kind of like I think up around up in the top end for the mining issue over in Western Australia and they'd fly it down then every three weeks for 10 days in Miami so it was it was it was a huge deal and we I was an illegal I we went across Canada on the Greyhound I pitched up in Vancouver to get my put get my illegal papers together which took about a month and I got bored and I went down to the hippie part of town it was around the time when Rolling Stone magazine was a local magazine in San Francisco the Berkeley bar all those sort of things there was an underground paper there called the Georgia Strait I saw the bookshop they had at a little ad saying people want you to work in the bookshop so I didn't got a job the bookshop then I went upstairs and I just lied my way into a job I just said I was a visiting journalist on holiday but as I had no I want the holiday no examples of my work the accent resume yeah yeah so send me out to review local bands we don't like it don't print it so turned out it was okay I got to be the music editor after three months then I got to be the circulation manager because I was fed up people weren't reading these pearls of you know wisdom there were people and then after about a year the Mounties got their man which was me I got to be I was a smartass I was on the radio people were arguing about the opinions I was right about music music was shit you know I was you know I think it all ended when I got a record by the stylistics who were a sort of vocal group yeah the review was this is shit and that was it that was the review at which point at which point I was ejected from Canada and I went back to Ireland and Ireland was still mired in an absolute of nullity and I started a band to try and alter that I've got a quote here that you said it in 1975 correct me if I'm wrong you only started a rock and roll band to quote get rich get famous and get laid how how did that work out for you and bring peace to Ireland well I got rich I got famous I said in the piece that I only wants to get famous I've been poor all my life it's shit there's no upside at all to poverty it just is poverty is a sort of prevention of human capital sort of thing I wanted to get rich for obvious reasons I want to get famous so I could talk about the things that bothered me and I want to get laid because I've been brought up in Catholic Ireland of the 1970s believe me I desperately wanted to get laid and so and rock and roll was the vehicle for all of that but largely the band needed to get out of Ireland you know that was it and I don't know if you've seen the film which went out on the BBC last Saturday it's called citizens boomtown like the album I found it interesting I'm in the thing but it's like it's like you know when you look at old movies your parents took you at seven yeah you're kind of looking at it and there's you and you're kind of the okay there's me cute but it doesn't feel like you that's kind of what it was like but what was interesting and for me anyway if no one else was that I hadn't realized that none of us had families none yeah so in my case my mum died when I was seven the only job my dad could go was selling towels around the countryside of rural Ireland where I doubt they'd even heard of what a fucking towel was but so he'd go away on Monday and come back on Friday so there was no authority in the house no one to make me do any work so when I bumped into authority in school every day like the priests it wasn't a good meeting yeah I didn't know I didn't understand what that was so I get beaten and then later I bumped into a cop and I couldn't quite understand how he had the ability to tell me to do things so that was always a problem yeah the other guys in the band one had and I didn't understand this until I saw the film last year one had a brutally dysfunctional family but you know we didn't talk about it were blokes and you know we just wanted to get on the band and then the others were all packed off to boarding school at a young age so that was really I think important when we fell in together in the garage in the back there was a real need to bind together yeah really and then and then you enter into the economic world as you leave school the state which you can view as the sort of larger family if you like that fails you also it offers you no future whatsoever and in Ireland's case at the time we were mired in what was in effect a civil war they don't call it that but when 3,600 people are murdered it is and when it's with the tacit complicity if not overt complicity of the national government it's murder and when the church is busily abusing the children of its parishioners and shutting up about the murders yeah and when the business community is shutting up because they're making money out of it all then something has to get yeah and there was this great silence sort of cultural suffocation if you like yeah and so the only thing to do is make a noise and so that's that's what we did that's one thing I want to ask about what were the pubs like in Ireland when you finally found a public and that would let your kids do whatever you wanted there was only there were there are three gigs in Dublin so you've got to understand there was no rock radio there was no rock television there was no rock magazines there were no posters for gigs you know it was just nothing and I just spent a year writing about you know what was beginning to happen in the early 70s Bowie Roxy music Lou Reed that was where I was at the bevel underground sort of thing not crazy about what other stuff was going on I thought this was kind of the way forward very basic stuff like muddy waters and earlier so those sort of things were where I was up or the who you know proper stuff like that the bands were copyists they were you know either country rock but really good ones it was about cheap thrills was a band which was really good there was a funk outfit called night bus so you know crap names yeah you know night bus they meant nothing so calling yourself the boomtown rats you know people object electric light orchestra yeah please thank you goodbye you know yeah but but you see you've hit a major point here guys once the definite article left rock and roll it went shit yeah so once you stopped having their Beatles they're Rolling Stones they're Kings pink Floyd and you and you started getting Genesis yes you know well you know a electric light or electric shite or the Nirvana yeah yeah exactly but you had yeah you had this whole generation the big thing about punk was bringing back the definite yeah yeah so where did the name boomtown rats come from yeah I mean like like from a rank outsider from being out of Ireland at that time you know you could say it's come out of the troubles but from what I've read it it comes from a much different place the troubles really didn't affect us as I've been saying they would be page three of the paper though they were they were a hundred miles north only of us but in Ireland given that it's 200 miles in length were more or less and Dublin stuck in the middle and then it's a hundred miles to go away in the far west it's small but because it was so alien to us the troubles which sound like a minor dose of political flu was in fact three thousand six hundred murders so I kind of object to that they did try and dampen it down it was terrible yeah in our case we were just kicking back against the Republic which was mired in some sort of economic and cultural aspect of the 19th century or something you know it was just terrible to live there at the time luckily Ireland rocketed into the 21st century over the last 15 18 years and became a proper country but the boomtown rats came because I was reading a Woody Guthrie biography bound for glory Woody Guthrie is the great poet of the impoverished and dispossessed in 1920s 1930s depression America and of course Bob Dylan's master yeah Springsteen's master and great influence I liked all these early guys because when I was a kid the music I was listening to obviously was the stones and all that's Bob Dylan that I was 10 or 11 and they were telling us Mick and Keith were proselytizers they were saying it's not us it's muddy waters it's lightning Hopkins it's howling wolf you know hello muddy waters howling wolf I mean are these forces of nature or people in fact both and Dylan was talking about Woody Guthrie and in fact imitation him entirely so I started listening to these guys and just thought it was magnificent music and I read then Guthrie's biog people I really was rereading it in 1975 and we had a couple of names I'd come up with the nightlife thugs because I wanted a name you could shorten you know and night bus cheap thrills or the thugs well I'm gonna see the thugs you know yeah so I wanted it to sit I wanted to suggest something that you would hear or see before you even heard or saw it yeah but the night before the first gig I was rereading bound for glory for no particular reason and I came across a bit where Woody Guthrie was 11 years old and he was in some town where they lived and the boom chasers came to town the guys who followed the latest oil rush and they found oil outside Woodys town in Oklahoma and these new families came in with the new kids and new kids wanted to join the the gangs the kids gangs in town but the old gangs wouldn't let them in because they were migrants and you know forget it so Woody split from the old gang and set up his new gang which only allowed the new kids in so the head of the old gang goes to Woody and says are we going to have a war and what he says yeah whatever you like the head of the old gang who's 12 or 11 says you you you you boomtown rats you right I thought yeah fuck yeah I don't want to be part of the old gang I'll take you on and I we went we were sitting in the pub before the first gig which was in a school there I said listen that name you know night back folks said yeah it's okay say what about the boomtown rats and they said yeah that's better and once it had a hint and once it had a reason but the truth of it is seriously once I got the name it made total sense to me rather than just playing music on a Friday or Saturday night because we were bored and nothing to do suddenly because it came from Woody Guthrie and there was an aim behind the name the band had intent and purpose clear intent and purpose so when I began writing songs I began writing about the people I was working with in the slaughterhouse this wasn't just a slaughterhouse of animal this this was an abattoir of human dreams they were stuck we were stuck that became our first number one the first Irish number one the first new wave number one so I just started writing about all the people around me because of that name now I knew knew what I should write about so it was more important than you know just picking some crap pun like the Beatles which has got to be one of the worst names in rock'n'roll. B-E-A-T. You entered I guess the charts and you began this career with this band with an undertone of working-class solidarity was it did it become a bit of a ballad was it a bit of a you know similar to what Jimmy Barnes was for us or you know what Bruce was in the in the 70s and 80s? There's always a counterculture and there's always a rejection of a counterculture it works both ways and it's a sort of tired trope when you get involved in this but we had it we weren't necessarily involved in a counterculture or that we thought we were the moment I got on TV and this they go into this in the film I thought I'd only ever be on TV once you know I just kicked off about the country and so there was a group of young people Bono and his mates who were about 13 14 these sort of people Sinead O'Connor watching this and going finally yes somebody's just talking about what it's like to be here yeah so we made a noise and by talking about it burst that bubble of silence and began you know it helped to change things a little and then by making records and focusing on getting them into the charts because that's how you get your message to a broader audience you have to change music but we arrived in London in the middle of what we now know to be a massive cultural revolution which was the punk thing and it was beginning never mind the bollocks by the pistols had yet to come out she was couple of months away we'd finished our first album but we weren't coming out till after the pistols and when I heard their record I thought well fuck that's so great a record so so whereas you you had Jimmy Barnes who's sort of a working-class hero and Bruce too we kind of had Phil Lynott from Thin Lizzy or Van Morrison I guess yeah but there's no equivalent to to Jimmy or thing our equivalent would be the Saints yeah and you were in a great band and you know and when we arrived in London our first gigs because punk was a London thing and they were very snobbish about these patties who just arrived off the boat yeah so we are friendly with the pistols because Johnny's Irish you know and first generation extremely and then you know his family is I went up to their flash and Finchley and Dickensian poverty the class were put together by Joe and stuff like that so we played with the Ramones and the talking heads and we played in schools at four o'clock in the afternoon so if you can imagine all these kids with mullets and like Bay City roller outfits staring incredulously you know at the boomtown rats Ramones and the talking heads at four o'clock in gymnasiums that's how we started yeah but you were aware that something profound was happening definitely it was exciting to be in us right at the very center of it but again there was so much rivalry you know you were whose record was better who was selling out faster and then there was the credibility thing a lot of it was to do with an idea of saying the right things and by saying I wanted to get rich get famous and get laid you weren't supposed to say that because was the rejection of all the values that had led to pop singers yeah like Jagger or Rod Stewart just talking about the length of their limos the height of their country houses that you know the width of their platform heels that sort of shit nothing to do with life it was exciting it was even more exciting to throw records up the charts and get to see the world's and have Molly Meldrum throw you off countdown you know which is what happened to us yeah he threw a lot of people up you're saying a lot of profound things were happening but you you obviously took it one further you began talking about Africa probably you know at least from the Australian perspective before a lot of people were talking about what was happening in Africa when it comes to poverty and and and famine what led you there can you explain that to us well the punk thing was hugely politically directed you you you began saying that it happened during the time of Thatcher and that yeah and that was important so I'll put it in perspective inflation in the UK in 1976 when we all emerged was 27% so that's zero economy that means you don't have a job ever that's you know for the generation emerging from school forget it no future as Johnny Rotten said there is no future in England's dreaming it's a fantastic line in New York New York was bankrupt the police were not policing the fire service weren't answering the calls you could barely drive there I was there you know it was bankrupt and they pleaded for help from the federal government to Gerald Ford the president on television said New York drop dead so of course you're gonna get the Ramones yeah yeah and blondie at the talking heads new of course you're gonna get the pistols in the clash in London of course you're gonna get the boomtown rats in Ireland we didn't know each other we didn't know why we were playing fast and loud we didn't understand that when we all got together we understood it was the thing so that was essentially political certainly cultural when I was 13 I started anti-apartheid in school with my mate Mick Foley to organize a march to stop the Springboks playing the South African rugby team playing Ireland yeah because there was I'd heard about the cultural boycott Bob Dylan was really being shameful when so I read James Baldwin James Baldwin was reading Alan Patton the book called cry the beloved country so I wrote that I read that I learned about South Africa was always interested much more in music and politics and saw the two was the same I never saw a difference and so much to my dismay Foley and I organized this March and thousand show up for these two school kids at 13 so I understood you couldn't you can tilt the world a little bit you know by just getting stuck in at 15 16 I stopped going home there was no one at home anyway it was just me in this cold you know Ireland February November fog rain freezing dark house forget it I go into Dublin I met up with the crowd called assignment community which sounds religious but the word and what we do is at six o'clock in the evening we get all the vegetables that the grocers hadn't sold and they give it to us and then at eleven o'clock at night the Baker's would give us their first round of bakery for the morning yeah and we'd make a huge fire in the middle of Smithfield Market and then all the lost people would gather about this fire and we'd make soup so you had the bag ladies and bag men the schizophrenic old men and women you had the lot there was no divorce in art until relatively recently 12 years or something so the males of the family would get together and tell the husband time for you to go now and so he'd be out in his ear nowhere to go eventually start showing up at work still with drink on his breath unsaved he'd lose his job he'd be on a park bench they'd show up the hookers that you know not the glamorous hookers of Hollywood legend but really really pinched way-faced working girls little girls with their with their pimps beating them up in front of me with baseball bats because she asked for one of them asked for an orange squash an orange squash is just diluted orange it's not even orange juice yeah and this I remember very well this little thug in a leather rash coat and a sort of Stooges haircut like not Iggy pop I mean like the three Stooges beating her the sick thing with and I was I was 15 I was scared shitless and I you know I didn't I wasn't physical and I could do nothing and I still to this telling you about it I'm ashamed and so this was going on so all these books I was reading about elsewhere Steinbeck Studs Terkel Woody Guthrie James Baldwin was happening here in Dublin and so they were the things that always bothered me so when you if you listen to the rat songs they're still about the stuff that bothers me so when I said I want to be famous to talk about the things that bother me that's all I'm interested in I don't want your valve the broke bollocks you know doesn't it to me I feel a complete fucking wanker in a limousine you know now if a Volkswagen comes to pick me up or a limousine I'm getting in the limousine but I still feel a complete wanker you can't criticize the man's platform that's my opinion you've got to take the roomy seats right so you know we started with this name to change our own lives because they were awful by making the noise we helped a little bit to change the country we think that's what everyone the film says by making hit records you get to change the music and then one day I come in overnight I turn on the TV and see what's happening in Africa 30 million people million 30 million people about to die of I mean appalling hunger I mean the images were just shocking in a continent and Australians don't really take this on board in the same way they don't really take on board that Indonesia is 60 miles from Darwin they don't take that on board they know it is but so we don't take on board that Africa is eight miles from Europe you throw up throw up so here is the richest constant the world still and the poorest yeah and in 1984 we had the common agricultural policy which which was set up after the war to make sure Europe never starved again we paid taxes to grow surplus food we paid more taxes to store the surplus and most disgracefully we paid more taxes to destroy it America was doing the same by subsidizing its farmers with the fall guilt which is surplus etc etc 11 8 to 8 mindset was 30 million people were about to die in agony fuck off so the political moment arrived I was in a rock band that had been extremely successful was on the downturn I was available all I could do was write tunes so it was come use October and I called up my missus who was the host of the big rock show at the time that you I said who's on us and it was ultra box they just had their big hit Vienna major I spoke to midge and I said listen I don't know if you saw that thing all these new kids that it sort of pushed now the punky thing aside Duran Duran because that was now in power so they were emblematic of that really spandau ballet the police you two were coming up on the inside track I knew them all because of my missus on the tube or because they were contemporaries yeah so I said let's do so let's sell as many of these and that's it we're done of course do they know it's Christmas becomes this phenomenon which neither I nor midge expected I get a call from Michael Jackson and Harry Belafonte they want to do it in America so I go and do that and then having done those two the logic of doing live aid was obvious you'll join these two ideas up was it harder to corral the love of your life up to the Yukon or was it harder to corral a group of the biggest pop stars in the world together into one room to sing do they know it's Christmas time what was harder dude you're forgetting my story I got so fed up with shit journalism you know I said I said to I was working in a slaughterhouse she was getting free sausages every night she was getting she was getting kidneys and liver and sweet breads you know it was the awful but it was easy that's the truth you know I've known these guys I've been in rock and roll for ten years by that period sting is literally a day older than me so you know when they were starting they'd come and see the rats bono I knew from Dublin he used to come and see us in the basement of a hotel we played this sort of tubby little kid would come in so it was and then I knew did Le Bon used to come to this place I'm now this house here at weekends and just crash out in the floor because you know when you're going for it you're you're seriously going for it yeah so that it was okay and this stuff but hey egos in the room really you know you're with people who are rivals it's done do with the egos so you can't think fuck they just made a great record you know so I saw a great bit of film I'd never seen on this film about the rats George Michael is there he said like you know well I've got one day off you know I could do with the rest but I'll show up here he's a bit pissed off some written a Christmas song myself my mrs. says to him oh well sing me a bit he does now and she'll sing me but he goes last Christmas I gave you my heart the very next day I like and she said that's quite good but it's not as good as Bob's and he goes I don't think so that's pretty cool because it is such a good Christmas not as good as fairy tale in New York but I've need to ask now your your honest opinion there may have been a bit of revisionist history around of light the movie that recently came out about Queen yeah did it really come down to Freddie Mercury turning it on on the day no not at all I mean I haven't seen the movie because I don't listen or to myself or look at myself or read anything about myself because just drives me nuts this sounds name-droppy but believe me Roger is a seriously proper mate like you know you know hanging together and the the reality is the Queen were almost done they finished up in Australia World Tour it hadn't been very successful and Freddie they were all a bit fed up not knowing where I was gonna go so when I called them I was calling them because Harvey Goldsmith English promoter who promotes them was from it was doing was putting together live and he was gonna put the physical thing together and Harvey said you gotta get Queen no it is you know again they're not called the Queen so there's a problem there so I said okay but I didn't really mind if they played or not they weren't essential to the gig so when I call them Raj who wasn't a big make them but you know we knew each other liked each other he said oh it's I don't know Bob we're tired the atmosphere isn't good you have to speak to Fred Fred called me about two days later he goes Bob see darling what can I do and I said I said well he says hey we know what you're doing it's wonderful we all appreciate it but I'm not sure it's for us sort of like that I said well why not and he then said I don't know what we're gonna do I might go off and do a solo thing so I really sometimes will put a moral arm lock on some guys like with Pete Townshend of the who he said he'd never ever get on stage with Roger Daughtry again I said but Pete if the who do my generation six million people minimum will watch and if those six million two million we'll put some money in the pot if you don't do get together and do my generation we've lost that yeah 20 million quit you know so he goes something fuck's sake so you know but with quick with Roger I really wasn't gonna do that or with with Fred I wasn't gonna do it because it didn't bother me that much so I eventually said to Fred I said look Fred if ever there was a stage built for you it's this and he goes well what do you mean darling and I said well darling the world said yes I think I see what you're getting at so they came and what was really different was they really got what it was about and I also think they they thought it was going to be their last gig ever so what they did was put together a jukebox a medley of their tunes I'd explained to Freddie that it's that I'm calling it the global jukebox so I don't want track three side two of your most obscure album fuck off I want hits three hits goodbye and they sandwiched all their hits the hooks of their hits which you know we're okay was a bit overblown for me a bit operatic for me not my thing really but when you take the hooks they're fantastic pop and they jammed them together brilliantly and so they came out believing this was going to be their last hurrah and it was to the world so Freddie was going to go out with a bang and they were going to tell people what they'd done by doing all these hits so I'm running around trying to organize stuff freaking out that maybe the money isn't coming on quick enough and I'm up at the top gantry at Wembley Stadium running towards the broadcast area and I hear this immense noise and I look over and it's Queen and I go Queen you know people got nuts and the sound from the stage was better than any other band that's for sure the sound guy had it completely down and they sounded amazing amazing now I was never convinced by Freddie a very unlikely frontman you know the teeth the crap moustache the awful outfits the sort of static poses he do I thought no not really you know I was wrong so but they went off and without backstage so you know Bowie's there you know fucking Townsend's there McCartney's there bonus backstage everyone's going Elton's going what literally what Queen you know I mean seriously they just went to a whole other level for themselves and they felt it because I spoke to Raj I would do you know and he said that was amazing Raj will tell you now they were about six minutes in before he understood there was a difference between their normal stuff okay most bands went to some other place in their performance if you look at Live Aid if you get the DVDs or download on YouTube if you look at it Bowie's somewhere else in his performance I mean amazing you know Elton's just thrilled with the day McCartney hasn't played for years doesn't give a fuck that the sound goes down because Pete and Dave and I come out to help him sing let it be and the whole crowd just taken over and he just shuts up so they were someplace else why I don't know but what the film says is that when they played that's when the phone lines collapsed and people phoned in that's not true everyone thought they were just amazing but where the phone lines collapsed was when Bowie played David what people don't retake on board about Bowie is that while he was the great artist he was also a really lovely guy a really a cool guy a fun guy to hang with you know like really kind man and you know which is kind of weird because you don't think that of the austere Bowie so I showed Bowie this film I've got an editor from Canadian Broadcasting who couldn't show the movies he'd made of starving people because was too obscene almost and he was cutting the bits together to archive in a hotel in Addis and he was listening to the car song who's gonna drive you home on his walkman in the 80s and he was cutting to that beat unconsciously and when he'd finished he played it back and suddenly realized that the words of that song took on a different meaning when he played with this horror so who's gonna pick you up when you fall down who's gonna drive you home tonight and I played that to David when he was asking me what song should I do and I said hold on let's look at this and David Bowie sat beside me in this office sobbing and he said I'm not doing four songs I'm doing three and I'm introducing this and I said David if you stop they go and make tea and they're not coming back I've lost the audience and he said I don't care I'm showing this I said when they show this they're definitely turning off the television so don't care I'm showing this so okay so Bowie does Heroes at the end place kicks off and he goes I want you to remember what this is for and he shows the film and if you look at the DVD or YouTube you'd see both in America the UK these beautiful young people I mean really girls at their most beautiful flowers on their boyfriend's naked shoulders in the heat of this hugely hot day and they look they're all like this they're laughing and smiling it's the time of their life but they've forgotten what it's about and then Bowie directs them to the film and you can see the girls arms coming down and then they they start crying and then they try and get off the boyfriend shoulders and the boys are just staring with horror at the screen yeah that's when the phones collapsed literally all everywhere in the world phone lines just melted down and that's when the money just came gushing in and didn't stop so that's what so Bowie had a bit more of a marketing brain is that what you're saying I think that you know Queen was definitely took the day I think by anyone's standards that's what the press said and I said I wouldn't say it but I absolutely believe that to be the case everyone did you too went over the top they were on they were on the crest they thought they'd blown it they had a huge row at the side of the stage they were going to break up because they thought Bono would blown it by going into the audience but in fact to push them over into superstardom dire straits brothers and arms had stopped dead at 350,000 post-live aided at 3.5 million so millions of bands did well out of it but loads loads stayed where they are are made of it but the point is that none of those bands not a one and I'm telling you this did it for any other reason than to be dead there on the day Led Zeppelin reformed they didn't like each other Black Sabbath reformed they didn't like each other the who reformed the Beach Boys reformed Duran Duran reformed Clapton gave up a week and in Vegas just to fly to Philadelphia and just play nobody was there for any other reason than just to do it so did you take what you said to Roger Taylor at Live Aid and kind of apply that to Roger Waters for Live Aid I mean because that was really the the you made pigs fly then and that was really Pink Floyd's last ever gig with the surviving four members that was it that's it they hadn't played for 25 years I'd read we needed an ending equivalent to Live Aid 20 years before yeah and I'd read in an interview by Nick Mason that the only reason they could ever possibly he could ever possibly see them get back together was something like Live Aid Nick is a friend of Rogers I got the number I called Nick and he said he said we need a reason outside of ourselves to get back together but it'll be Roger and David yeah and I knew them from doing the movie the wall you know it's nice to see you've got your eyebrows back after that you know it's good yeah good to see you like Queen and the Pink Floyd what's he doing what's he doing on this deal you're the entry chief he dares to talk about music so I call Roger and he says well I do it but you know David won't I played with Gilmore at the Festival Hall in Britain I don't comfortably know my thing with him so I called David and he said absolutely no quite I'm not going to do it he said you're joking and I so I said well look can I come down and speak to you and he said no you can't and I said well I said hear me out at least so this took a while they're all very quite posh accents they deployed there are you see you see you see I put the definite article back in there so I go down and I'm halfway down to his place and I have to change trains at East Croydon and I'm there the phone rings Scott you know don't come I've changed my mind I don't want to see you and I said fuck off I said I'm in East Croydon the shithole and I said and I said you know what I'd like I'm not changing I'm coming and meet me at the station so this fuck say so he meets me I'm sitting in the kitchen I lay out the arguments and so probably Pink Floyd perspective the argument was you never actually said goodbye I said to millions upon millions of people who bought your records I mean countless minutes dark side of the moon is still in the top 200 you're pretty good at you're pretty good at that yeah well it needs to be yeah so so he don't care I don't care his wife was there making tea and you know wasn't having sort of she wasn't helping so anyway I said think about he goes no I won't so we're there for about an hour and a half I said give me a lift back to the station so he does he goes it's gonna be no bug and said at the edge and I said well let's see I I go home and I write a letter to him a long letter laying out his points and my points the phone rings it's Waters and what did he say he said no and I called Nick and I said it's gonna take Roger calling David that's what it's gonna take so I laid the groundwork Roger Waters calls me and says have you got Dave Gilmore's number I mean Waters doesn't have Gilmore's number I do so I give Roger what Dave Gilmore said and three days later he calls me says he'll do it so many ghosts were laid to rest which I was happy about and they were very generous they allowed us to film the rehearsals because they're notoriously secretive and let us use all that stuff so once they were in they threw themselves in and to your point on the night it was fantastic you know just fantastic I mean the figures were enormous you know they came on just before Paul I think you know Paul and Bono had opened it with those Beatles it was 20 years ago today referring back to Live Aid but people forget that it was all politics for me Band Aid was a 20-year pop you know first you keep as many people alive as you can then you know famine doesn't happen because you've got no food it happens because you're poor in Australia there won't be a famine you've got a lot of drought but you buy in food you let import would you do whatever you're not poor so it's only the poor die and that's that's why I said you know I want to be rich it's shit always you know it's it's a definition of lack of opportunity to be poor so it's a destruction of human potential it has to stop and it can and it will stop we've already eliminated fifty percent of the world's poor since the year 2000 that's incredible fifty percent of the extreme poor has dropped for me once I trolled through the horror of the things I had to trolled through I understood that this was about economics and the way to alter economics is to engage with the agents of change in our world which is why I flew down to see Bob Hawke which we talked about off-air I think earlier yeah and you start there the number of people watching Live Aid had given us you know I think 200 million Aussie dollars or something at the time maybe more at the time and we had 650 trucks operating in Africa 12 ships going up and down from Europe etc etc but the big thing was the numbers of people watching 1.5 billion allowed me into the White House into the Kremlin into the Vatican into the Reichstag into the into the Elisei palace into Downing Street and you began the political into Canberra you began you began the political well it was important because Bob Hawke gave us four Aussie Air Force transporters which kept Thatcher in there Thatcher was going to remove the 13 RAF transporters which are transporting food out of Port Sedan to Darfur which was you know a thousand miles away and so the argument with Bob Hawke was if you bring the Aussies in it will force the Brits to stay so the Aussies showed up and the Brits had to stay that's the best argument you could ever have to do anything in this country is if it makes the English look bad we will be there first in line hand in hand with the Irish I know I know where your head's at don't worry I've got you guys down you know you know it took 20 years and eventually a generation come to power that were entirely consumed with the idea of live aid Blair, Brown, Osborne Cameron, Schroeder, Clinton they'd all watched it and I went through Africa with George Bush on the presidential plane and you know Bush claimed to have watched live aid and I said no he didn't Mr. Crest he goes yeah I did Bob he called me Galnoff he said yeah I did Galnoff and I said you didn't watch live and he goes yeah I remember very well I said one you don't remember anything but you certainly watch and he goes well why do you say that I says because there was no country music and live aid because that's a good point so they were willing to do stuff providing there was a new public behind it so that's why live aid happened and the following day was in V8 and they eventually agreed to eliminate the debt of the poorest people so this if you're in debt in Australia if you've got a mortgage that you can't pay it's done you're over you're crippled and that's what happens to countries so they eliminated that and doubled aid so that's why live aid happened that's why all these things happen for me it's that end goal rather than the music it just so happens that the music turned out to be exceptional with the advent of the internet it'd be pretty hard now to pick there's so much mainstream there's so much mainstream but when you were you know particularly the first time you had so much yeah at your disposal at your fingertips you know the crowds you're working in were at the center of that yeah you're completely right I mean these things really just wouldn't work again I mean Lady Gaga tried to do a thing for the lockdown I mean it was I mean well done her but it was pretty crap you know I mean you know and you know I think the figures were negligible really how would you go nowadays trying to find the right k-pop band to include that's how you get your numbers it's easy you just get the one who's selling most on that moment but I mean you know it's not going to have an effect because the the internet has a weird pseudo intimacy so it because it's constantly there and it lets in the light into the magic you know that's a terrible cliche but it's true you know stars need to be at a distance and previously media by definition implied distance you heard it on a radio you saw them for a moment on television but you couldn't get to them now everyone pretends they're in their fucking front room or they're talking Taylor Swift talk they think they're talking all the time it's a trick and because it's a constant there isn't any exclusivity to it so I don't think it would work somebody would do something like this and you know we still I do band aid every single day of the week it still operates hugely and we do a lot of stuff kind of online which you know but it's more to do with meetings and stuff like that so you know it wouldn't be the same you know just one more question if you could have any band in the world right now reform for another live aid type concert who would it be Limp Bizkit the boomtown rats other than the boomtown rats we found the long game here with this new uh new movie are you coming back Bob? what you mean coming back to Australia or just coming back to us are you coming back to gundawindi because I mean that's our closest big town that you go to so I know that I mean I'd be back I loved it that's the truth you know and uh you know everyone says hey I love in Australia I actually do I'm very much at home there I've been going there for a hundred years and it's a good crowd good crowd a laugh look the country of Australia is far more familiar to me as Irish than it is as English that's the yeah the attitudes are very hail fellow well met less bullshit please you know do you fancy a pint you know that that's kind of it that's very familiar to me and comforting to me so I you know I drop off there yeah cool and I don't feel weird or a distance but it's an interesting place because it doesn't look like what I'm used to so I'll be back in a second we've talked to promoters and that would there be any interest in seeing us you know if somebody plays the record yes because it's a good record got rave reviews the film went through the roof massive response to it which is kind of weird radio is playing our stuff again great I know a lot of bands down there that I like we go at the drop of a hat that that's the honest to god's truth but when it gets to be summery you know we'll book you in for the birdsville races then yeah great whatever whatever that means I'll laugh anyway to go along with it all right so who would I put back who would I put back together again Nirvana yep yep so I'd resurrect the Nirvana I'd do Oasis that would be hard you know they can't stand each other Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young maybe well we had Neil on both 20 and Live Aid yeah you know and if you're going to push me in one way I'll take Neil Young especially when he does the hardcore his voice hasn't changed that much anywhere over the past 40 years I bought that record he did with Jack White, I didn't mind it at all no when he does that heavy guitar forget Metallica that is the heaviest guitar in history yeah yeah yeah you know it's it's like so I've seen him a lot as you say he's still saying he's still he's still totally real yeah you know Neil Young it's completely all there and so he does uh the aid for the farmers too yeah yeah farm aid yeah yeah he does that I mean again that's spun off of Live Aid because Dylan in Live Aid says you know maybe we should do something for the farmers and two weeks later Willie Nelson called me it's just so cool Willie Nelson I adore Willie Nelson and he goes do you want to you know maybe you can help me do this and I said Willie you know you just put on a gig and get your mates you know so that that was then they said that was their first farm age yeah you know the highwaymen oh man just call the highwaymen Willie that um when you can't because Johnny's dead and Chris can't see anymore you know really that clip on YouTube of them at their best yeah yeah unbelievable what a band you know what an amazing band I mean they'd be on again you know I'd put the highwaymen together again if I could you know they'd be cool yeah so everyone but really where I'm at myself is the day our album came out the day the tour was announced Lockdown was announced two hours later so you know we were dead in the water and we rescheduled the tour um but uh you know will anyone come to gigs for the next year I mean are you going to be absolutely sure you want to stand beside somebody sweating and jumping around well there's not too many cases here now that might mean you're touring here before there I reckon you just have to come here and guarantee with a test yeah yeah but but seriously even then are you going to throw yourself into a 20,000 festival you know in this country yes of course you know how reckless they are in this country we've had a few friends that actually have released albums similar time to you have you ever heard of the DMA's they're an Australian band and they they just come back uh they got one last tour in of England and they were saying that it actually feels like you're just kind of the wind's taken out of the sails but not only that like they get to see the result because everyone's still listening to music they get to see the popularity of the album but it does feel like you're suspended in time like the tour is coming yeah but you don't know when yeah no that's exactly right like you know I'm I'm paddling I'm treading water here and I you know I'm taking the opportunity to speak to you guys and stuff like that but I hope we get together and that nothing results from it but if it does we're in deep trouble I mean you know it's not fun this thing it's a serious thing only time will tell thank you for joining us Bob Geldof that was um obviously very humbling for us in our original you know Queensland newspaper to get you on air we all remember seeing you on TV I think Australia would have been one of you know per capita most tuned in to uh to Live Aid and of course Live Aid yeah because there was not much else going on here in the 80s no but you started it you guys actually began it because when I got up in the morning and turned on TV Live Aid was happening under you guys yeah right but well I did I did that thing what what's the name of the TV show a comedian begins with R Rove Rope yeah I did Rope and they did the thing they did that I was guest of the thing they were doing this thing Kiwi Aid you know about a country about a country very far with problems well they've still got a lot of problems they'll beat us to getting rid of coronavirus so that's for sure rugby union's not one of them I'll tell you that all right Bob thank you thank you for joining us it's been very nice thank you thanks guys bye-bye |
SaturdayNightLive | after_high_school_snl | Well, all good things must come to an end, including this problem, but we got a couple of songs left, so let's make them count. Class of 2002, how y'all feeling? Hard to believe it's been 20 years since that night. After graduation, we all win our separate ways, but I still like to think about my old friends and smile.
Shelly Hines graduated first in our class, then went to Harvard where she graduated dead last. I guess our high school just wasn't that good.
Tessa White got married and had two beautiful daughters and one fat ugly son.
As for Rachel Finster, well, the less said about her, the better. Dana Miguel made good on her promise to hike the Appalachian Trail. she remains missing to this day. Trina Dash played D1 soccer in college and won a national championship. She should have been happy, but she never got over Rachel Finster sleeping with her dad.
Darius Caldwell eventually made it to the pros professional pornography. He's worked with all the greats, even Rachel Finster.
As for Carly Hill, she moved to West Virginia after high school and married a minor, a coal miner who was 16 years old.
Billy Wendell followed his dreams. Unfortunately, he only dreamed about killing his grandparents.
Dougie Finnegan never stopped inventing things, and eventually one of those inventions made him rich. Fentanyl, maybe you've heard of it.
Rachel Finster sure has class. sweethearts. Becca and Robbie made a vow to lose their virginity's that night and they both did to the Dj. Some people had happier stories, like Natalie Turner who was granted the first gay marriage license in the state. we all went to the wedding, even Rachel Finster who was there protesting with her hateful church? Some years later, Jeff Ahmed reached out to Rachel to try to talk some sense into her and it worked. They started dating and eventually moved in together.
His body was never found.
Some of our friends surprised us. Carla Andretti followed her mother's footsteps all the way to the Us Capitol building on January 6th.
And how can we forget Amy Fulton? Well, I'm not sure how, but we all did. just completely forgot about her like she didn't exist.
And then there's Peter Liu who left a huge mark on Broadway. After he threw himself off the roof of the Winter Garden Theatre to protest the government's Herschel Williams, he became a writer his first book, Friend of the Devil.
Growing up with Rachel Finster, time took us all in so many different directions for a brief moment. we were all there together, dancing the night away with our whole lives ahead of us except for me. I was murdered by Rachel Finster and my soul can not cross over until she is brought to justice.
Hard to believe it's been 20 years since that night after graduation, we all win our separate ways, but I still like to think about my old friends and smile. Shelly Hines graduated first in our class, then went to Harvard where she graduated dead last. I guess our high school just wasn't that good.
Tessa White got married and had two beautiful daughters and one fat ugly son. As for Rachel Finster, well, the less said about her the better.
Dana Miguel made good on her promise to hike the Appalachian Trail. she remains missing to this day. Trina Dash played D1 soccer in college and won a national championship.
She should have been happy, but she never got over Rachel Finster sleeping with her dad. Darius Caldwell Eventually made it to the Pros: professional pornography Who's worked with all the greats, even Rachel Finster?
As for Carly Hill, She moved to West Virginia after high school and married a minor, a coal miner who was 16 years old.
Billy Wendell followed his dreams. Unfortunately, he only dreamed about killing his grandparents.
Dougie Finnegan never stopped inventing things, and eventually one of those inventions made him rich. Fentanyl, maybe you've heard of it. Rachel Finster sure has class.
Sweethearts Becca and Robbie made a vow to lose their virginity's that night and they both did to the Dj. Some people had happier stories, like Natalie Turner who was granted the first gay marriage license in the state. We all went to the wedding, even Rachel Finster who was there protesting with her hateful church? Some years later, Jeff Ahmed reached out to Rachel to try to talk some sense into her, and it worked. They started dating and eventually moved in together.
His body was never found.
Some of our friends surprised us: Carla Andretti followed her mother's footsteps all the way to the Us Capitol building on January 6th.
And how can we forget Amy Fulton? Well, I'm not sure how, but we all did. just completely forgot about her like she didn't exist.
And then there's Peter Liu who left a huge mark on Broadway after he threw himself off the roof of the Winter Garden Theatre protests the Governor's Herschel Williams. He became a writer his first book Friend of the Devil. Growing up with Rachel Finster, time took us all in so many different directions for a brief moment. we were all there together, dancing the night away with our whole lives ahead of us except for me, I was murdered by Rachel Finster and my soul cannot cross over until she is brought to justice. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_internship | So he's all like freeze shoots me the forehead and I'm like, oh my brain and it hurts so hard I can barely even talk anymore. I'm like, what do you what do you say? My play I'm telling you my play a tranquil day in the park Can you shut up?
I'm trying to go through intern resumes, huh? You good you get through those Yep Coo-coo-coo-coo-coo and I just got to yours coo. You know, you already work here, right? Is this the interview? No Hello, so you want an unpaid internship here my biggest weakness great question Ask you that probably that I work too hard. You don't also I lie a lot to people, you know, let's take a look at your resume No employment history, but it says you can eat foil if necessary it's not it's not ever necessary Yeah under goals you put learn enough to one day start your own website Yeah So that's pretty good. Of course, you didn't really put that you wrote threesome, right? Okay. Yeah, you're a pretty graphic Yeah, that sounds okay. That sounds more familiar Hey, I'm one of your references.
So let's call me and see what I think Yeah, you don't are you gonna? Me, okay Three he's not there. Just don't leave a message. Hello Hi Jake. Yeah, course, damn it Excuse me, what do you think of Amir Blumenfeld Jake hang up?
Oh, he's incompetent. Yeah, I got really Yeah, he's on it straight up worst employee ever Okay. Thanks for your time. No problem What do you say it wasn't good He's probably he's butts around but I'm willing to take a chance on you keep in mind This is a demotion, but you've got an unpaid internship here Yeah, I'm gonna show you I'm gonna earn that job that I lost by taking this internship Okay, first task don't talk to me for the rest of the day done Any foil you're interested in me eating sir |
cracked | the_best_and_worst_disney_kingdoms_to_live_in_after_hours | And I wonder how that shaped my concept of success. I mean, is four-year-old Katie just disappointedly sulking in the back of my brain because I'm never going to be a princess? Oh, that's definitely true for me, except four-year-old Daniel, and sulking at not being a charming yellow fish buddy. You aspired to be flounder? Me too, also with the four-year-old Daniel. He was sulking, because four-year-old Michael was hucking frogs at him.
Ah, are we talking about frogs? Close. We're talking about how Disney made adulthood seem like it was all about royalty and fancy parties. But then, when you actually, oh, that's exactly what your life is like, isn't it? Did you marry a princess? Princess of my heart? Also, Palau, it's this little island up. Oh my god, I just realized that not every kid grows up like me. Most of them grow up like all of you. Could you even imagine? Yes. No, could you imagine being a person like you in a Disney movie?
OK, just some ground rules before we get started. First of all, it has to be an actual kingdom. So 1920s New Orleans can't win by a country model. All those sitting Disney leaders obsessing over their heirs, that is bush league kingdoming. Just ask Henry VIII, am I right?
Probably. Second of all, you'd have to be you in that kingdom, or whatever version of you makes sense for that era and the environment. So if you pick King Triton's kingdom, you would be the fish version of you. You could be Flounder. That's sweet of you to say. That is the dream. But if I were actually an equivalent version of myself living in Little Mermaid's universe, I would be one of those wonky little goblin grabbers from Ursula's lair. Yeah, that's the thing I always wondered about Triton's kingdom.
I mean, Ursula's lair is packed. Why are there so many people visiting an underwater crack den? The existence of that lair proves that there is a huge market of merpeople who hate their lives and will make a deal with the devil to change it.
I think they're all just idiots. If you really want to better your lot in life, just let Prince Eric scoop you out of the sea and serve you on a platter to his buddies. Hey, I thought I was disagreeing, but I was agreeing. Maybe this rash of magical contracts is linked to how Triton treats the working class. They literally serve aerial subjects to her at her wedding. How can there not be political consequences for that?
Gaff. Total gaff.
Is Little Mermaid 2 about the ensuing rebellion? It's not. Actually, the sequel is about it. Little Mermaid 3, Rise of the Murpholk. No, but actually, you'd really find this interesting. How about Agrabah?
The weather's always nice. Plus, they have a market that's fully stocked at all times, including with fresh fish somehow.
Yeah, but the shop keeps are empowered to cut off your hands if they catch you stealing. Oh, that's just for stealing apples. The sentence for stealing bread is public execution.
True story, complaints made Disney change the lyrics to the original opening theme song, even though it was actually more accurate. They cut off your ears if they don't like your face. Fur the movie.
I know, that's not how things actually are in the Middle East. It's not just the law, either. It's the whole community. Remember when that prince kicks those starving homeless kids down in the mud and everyone just laughs? Yeah, Agrabanians are really down on orphans. I blame parents, except he hasn't gone home.
Is there not or fans of or f- Mm, no, that joke doesn't work when you say it out loud. Written, though, it works. Phonetically, it goes in a sort of- The sentence is pretty checked out.
I mean, he gets literally distracted anytime anything wanders into his field of view. Plus he leaves the throne to a commoner. That's actually a good point. I mean, the only qualified leader in Agrabah gets hurled into space. Their biggest problem's poverty, yet Queen Jasmine doesn't even understand how money works. I hate that.
So Agrabah's out, obviously. Who even suggested Agrabah? How about Agrabah? So how about Cinderella?
As long as you don't have an evil stepmom, things are fine. You can only really see what it's like for how the upper crust lives. I mean, from a commoner's perspective, you're just hanging out, living your normal life until one day the king is like, hey, every single woman in the country, come over here and put on this shoe for my son. And you have to do it, because anyone who gives him news he doesn't like gets attacked by a sword. Plus, they're pretty lax with their palace guards. Every single one of them stops to check out Cinderella's ass when she walks by. If the royal guard is doing that, that is definitely symptomatic of some institutionalized misogyny. I mean, it's royalty 101, folks. Lead by example. As the only woman here, I just gotta say it wouldn't be great to live in a place where every once in a while the prince says, hey, put your foot in this shoe and if it fits, we're f***ing married, no questions asked. McConfervidge, you have the same size foot as Cinderella and he just gets to you first. He's got no information, no added criteria, just if your foot fits in this shoe, you're mine. It's gross.
The town for Beauty and the Beast seems nice. Maybe a little provincial for Belle's taste, but I'm not Belle. You're Codsworth. So I could like a provincial life.
I mean, that just means baking, right? I get to be a baker.
Most stressful part of your day would be when the kooky inventor accidentally blows something up. You're somehow forgetting the horrifying beast that is both in the title of the movie and the ruler of the village. He goes back to being a guy at the end. It's fine, quit judging him by his looks. Yeah, I'll judge him by his multiple murders. His furniture used to be humans, remember? Assuming that he would be a good prince just because he's not furry anymore is like assuming that Martin Scrully would be a good president if we shaved him. Ew, gross. Even his eyebrows, gross, Katie.
But look at how whimsical that town is. They start with a song every day. There are sheep around kids jumping rope.
It is delightful. Delightful, Katie. Delightful. It's fucking delightful as shit.
That's probably because without their monarch, they created some sort of representational government. Now that the ruling class is back, do you really think that they're gonna peacefully concede their power? That's the best case scenario. More likely, some other ruler came in and even though he did a pretty good job, there's still gonna be a violent exchange of power. Can any of you guys name any time that the French have had a regime change that didn't involve beheading?
Phil III died in a crusade, but your point is taken. Yeah, that's the one I was gonna say too. We should both get credit for that. Not to mention the most popular guy in the village is a misogynist creep who A, can't read and B, uses a loaded gun to point out your sexy ass to all of his buddies. All right, fine.
I won't be a baker, Katie. You win again, Katie.
On the other hand, though, the Powhatan village from Pocahontas would be pretty sweet. I mean, the royalty hangs out with the commoners, everybody's in harmony with the animals, and there's a tree that listens to you when you talk about your dreams. Let's hear all about it. So, you would choose to live in a Native American community in the 16th century? Pretty big historical oversight you're making right now. So, why don't we take a cue from the movie and end our discussion on Pocahontas before the white settlers come back to commit genen or someone interrupt me before. I like Lion King.
You'd be eaten. I'd be an animal, remember? I'd be a majestic bear. There are no bears in the savannahs. With a magic sword. And you'd still be eaten.
Remember that the ruling class are just a bunch of predators who literally eat their subjects for sustenance. Mufasa's circle of life is basically a mock proposal as policy. They eat their poor.
Yeah, well, I'd like to see him catch me on my rocket skates. I don't think Michael thought I had enough. Oh, on the contrary, Katie, I thought plenty ahead. You see, Kay? I've always been two rocket steps ahead of you from the very beginning.
Anyway, what about Emperor's new groove? Do you have a point you want to make about it? No, I haven't seen it. I mean, like, what about it? Is it good?
Kay, he executes people for throwing off his groove. He threw off my groove. Stop making suggestions.
At least we can all agree that it would suck to live in the kingdom from Frozen. Any time your teenage princess can't control her emotions, everyone who's outside of the castle freezes to death.
Women can't control their emotions, hyphen Dan O'Brien. Only teenage girls, hyphen Daniel O'Brien.
Wait. No, shit. No. Oh, no. So is that where we ended up? All kingdoms and queendoms suck? No.
There's still one totally awesome one, and it's the first one I mentioned, Prince Eric. His kingdom would be hell of rad. When he gets married, he throws a sick party on a boat, and everyone's invited. He wasn't too into that gaudy stature they made in his likeness. But he also wasn't a dick about it. He cares about feelings. And he drove a boat into that sea witch. And you know he could beat the fish.
We've got technological superiority. It's also the town we know the absolute least about. Yeah, that's not by coincidence. If we know anything more about it, we just ruin it. That's kind of our thing.
Well, bye. Hey, you hardly even touched your food. Yeah, I don't want to spoil my appetite. I've got the banquet with the king of greaching halt in the middle of my sentence, thinking of something else to say. My internal monologue is happening out loud.
Did you forget to invite us to another royal ball? Your invitations are in the mail. What do you mean the mail? You send all your invitations by bluebird. Your invitation is written by peregrine falcons.
I mean, there's no way he can know exactly what kind of falcons ate the canning. Mine actually did come. But thanks to my training, I shot it with a BB gun.
Never RSVP. Does the bird have to be alive for me to go? Like, do I have to return the live bird? I don't think you can- The falcon corpse back? No, you can't. You ate the falcon that ate your bird?
Hey, you like stand-up. Come see the Cracked Stand-Up Show. It's happening January 26th at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you wanna see amazing comedians, including our own Theresa Lee, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets. And if you wanna see this brick wall, all by itself, keep watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | our_time_with_taboo_and_apl_de_ap_snl | Your favorite members of the Black Eyed Peas presents our time with Taboo and Apple D App. And now, show them some respect. it's Taboo and Apple D app, y'all. it's our time that it is tonight. Yeah. yeah, welcome to our time. finally, our own show. Just like the people wanted.
Ok, let me start by introducing myself. my name is Apple D app, and I am in the Black Eyed Peas. I am Taboo, and I am also in the Black Eyed Peas. We are in the Black Eyed Peas. Here's a picture of us at the Super Bowl in our trying outfits. I am the one on the back right. and on the left, that is my hand. Man, it is so great to finally have our own show where people can get to know us. let us show you. nice to meet you, Miyamo Taboo. I have my own line of jackets called 1,000 Pockets. And also, despite the rumors, I am not a Japanese ghost. I'm Apple D app, and I own a chain of unsuccessful neighborhood restaurants called Apple D Apple Bees. Also, we are in the Black Eyed Peas.
But we are not here to talk about the group. this is about us, not Will. I am, not Fergie. no, no, don't say her name. people in the place, did someone say my name? Hey, Fergie. hey, Will. I am. we just want to see if you guys needed us. just helping out. No, man, we're fine. you got it? you got it? you're going to be sorry, right? this is your show.
I got that boom, boom, boom. come on, man. sorry, everyone, for that interruption. let's bring out a guest. she's the best Kardashian sister. Please welcome Khloe Kardashian. Here we go! Our first guest is Khloe Kardashian. It's Khloe K. Five to the top. Khloe, well, I thank you so much for being here. we know you are so busy.
No. Well, before we begin, we are both in the Black Eyed Peas.
I'm Apple D. App. What kind of name is Apple D. App? Well, you know how Will. I Am is a way of saying, William. Apple D. App is a way of saying, Apple D. App.
And I am named after the board game Taboo. Now, Khloe, even though you are a big part of the Kardashian family, like us, sometimes you go unappreciated. I know. it's so literally unfair. What people need to realize is that we Kardashians are all equally untalented. Also, like us, you are very diverse. you are Armenian, and you are married to an African-american.
Yeah, that's right. And you guys are very sorry, you guys.
Oh, well, I'm a black Filipino, also called a Filipino. And I am from the Matrix. But Khloe, this is your time. why don't you take a minute and tell us something we don't know about you? I'm Khloe. I have a new fragrance out. I can pull a 20-ton truck using only my teeth. And my favorite black eyed pee is Fergie.
No, no, say your name. No. people in the place. dirty men, this is our time. Yes, guys. you guys needed us. you already did that. yeah. ok, I'm sorry. bye. All right, yeah. Khloe, I'm so sorry about that. Oh, no, that was awesome.
I got to see the Black Eyed Pee, man. we are interesting people. absolutely. Taboo was on the cover of this month's vaguely Asian magazine.
All right, well, Khloe, you have just been sold 3,008 today. would you like to sing with us? Well, I've never sung before. neither have we. Here we go. |
dropout | jeff_van_gundy_s_face | Welcome back to the NBA Finals on ABC. I'm Mike Breen alongside Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson.
Now the Magic are leading the Lakers by 12 at the half. Jeff how can LA turn this thing around? Well Mike I think it comes down to limiting turnovers. They need to slow things down and focus on smarter ball movement.
Coach, are you okay? You just, you look a little sad and tired of something. Do I? You know who else looks tired is Derek Fisher. He was uncharacteristically quiet in the second quarter. That's right only two points on one of five shooting. He needs to be more aggressive. You sure you're okay? You have some serious bags under your eyes there. Well you try working with you guys all playoffs. It is draining.
Alright well we should also give credit to the Orlando Magic. Dwight Howard has been unstoppable in the paint. I tell you something he's playing the best basketball on the biggest stage.
Uh Jeff? What? Maybe you should take a break, head over to make up, fix yourself up, you know? I'm just fine guys. I'll tell you who you should be worried about though is Rayfer Alston who took a pretty hard elbow there at the end of the second quarter. Jesus Christ! Yeah I know I was shocked as well. That was easily a flagrant. Jeff!
I know I get it. I look tired. Alright. Nah man listen you need to see a doctor. Indeed Dr. J the great Julie serving will be joining us in a moment for a discussion about- Oh God. Can we get some help in here? Yeah great okay just make them look presentable.
We are terribly sorry about that folks. Coach leads a pretty stressful life. Too many years with the Knicks I guess. Alright this is the best we can do. You know what? I am so sad. |
cracked | decision_fatigue_the_reason_you_haven_t_written_that_novel | This morning you ate a healthy breakfast set a bunch of productive emails paid some bills. You're killing it You can keep this up slugger you tell yourself once you finish this big work project then tonight You're gonna go to the gym and make yourself a gourmet dinner and finish the novel you've been Next thing you know you're lying on the couch next to fast food wrappers with your gym shorts half on and the title page If your novel open on your laptop, it's just titled greatest tittle You couldn't finish typing the E But you do suddenly think it's a good idea to text your ex and have just two or three more beers Even though you know, you shouldn't what the hell happened you were doing so great Why are you making all the bad decisions and unable to do the good ones? It's okay You just sprained your brain.
Well, no, that's that's an exaggeration But you did push the decision-making portion of your brain to the limit causing decision fatigue It's like if you are working out you've done a bunch of bicep curls really got those biceps all Curly and then two minutes after you go and help your friend move a bunch of boxes You're not gonna carry those boxes as carefully as you would have had you not just worked your arms to the point of Exhaustions two minutes prior same with your brain you can make decisions But they're not gonna be as good and as careful as they would have been if you hadn't made a ton of decisions Right before now according to research by Roy F. Balmeister Making decisions uses the very same willpower that you used to say no to donuts drugs or illicit sex So the more decisions you've made previously the harder it will be to make good decisions And that's why it's more likely you'll pull a cookie monster at night than during the middle of the day in research by the National Academy of Sciences Psychologists studied how decision fatigue affects whether or not a judge approves a criminal for parole and guess what it really does No matter what the crime was judges were 65% more likely to rule favorably early in the morning And then as the day went on and the judge made more decisions The favorable rulings dropped down to zero percent until the judge had lunch And then it jumped back up to 65% and steadily dropped back down to zero until the end of the day and the judges went Home and binge watched Netflix. I'm guessing but there is a way to fight decision fatigue I am NOT just delivering bad news here. Not today Anyways get the most important decision-making done in the morning if you're gonna try and work out every day Get it done in the morning, or you'll be less likely to have the strong decision-making muscles to do it later Don't overwhelm yourself with multiple choices if you don't have to if you are looking on Amazon for a new pair of earbuds Because keep losing yours am I the only one who always loses them anyways Don't look at all the different brands and read all the reviews for hours Okay, give yourself a limit and by the end of those five minutes pick something pick your outfit the day before instead of stressing About it in the morning. This is a technique used by some pretty successful people These folks wear slash wore pretty much the same outfit all the time saving them brain space to just make more decisions Throughout the day. I'm not saying you have to have the same clothes all the time fashionista But you can at least pick out the outfit the night before or something If you have to make an important decision later in the day eat a healthy snack Your brain has used up a bunch of fuel so some avocado or egg or nuts Whatever will help you be able to at least make that late-day decision when your brain is pooping out on you which is when you are most likely to make a regrettable decision and You won't be angry and nobody ever makes a good choice Angry don't obsess over one thing do it right so you can move on to the next and then come back to this Not perfect thing later. This also means don't second-guess the decision you made Commit to that decision make a life with that decision Buy a house with that decision and get a dog with that decision unless you know the decision really sucks But you won't know unless you work on moving forward with whatever choice you made instead of being like I'm eating a salad for lunch No soup. We know a salad. No even always sandwich. Just do it If even if it's not a perfect lunch does it really matter pack your lunch the night before pick out your outfit Right up your to-do list send dumb unimportant emails get the easy crap out of the way And then the next day you will be thanking your past self and ready to make the important decisions in the morning at some point Let your brain rest when working out you stretch and if you're fancy you get a massage So give your brain a massage take a walk meditate pet a dog watch a dumb video online But just like any other muscle don't overwork your brain because that's when you get decision fatigue Do it early in the morning or right after lunch or you are f**ked.
Oh s**t I'm late for my court date. Hey, can can you grab some food from craft services or something?
I just want to bring it to the judge because I am NOT going to jail again you guys I'm not going to jail again. Not again. I'm not going to jail Okay, like more subscribe and subscribe or watch more videos or comment below You can see something nice or just mean I?
Don't I'm tired. I you you will just watch the video if you didn't then you didn't I don't know Can I get a snack? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_mark_zuckerberg_on_the_social_network_snl | The number one movie in America is the Social Network, which tells the story of Mark Zuckerberg and the founding of Facebook. Here to comment on the film is Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg.
Hello, Seth. Hi.
So, Mark, you went and saw the Social Network? What? No, don't be ridiculous. I'm 26, I stole it online. Okay, gotcha. So, Mark, the Social Network has been criticized for some inaccuracies, so let's clear a few things up now. did you create Facebook just to meet girls? Um, gee, let me think. of course I did. why does anyone do anything? I mean, why did you get on Tv?
Touche. Now, Mark, the movie also claims you had only one friend in college. that's totally, totally inaccurate, Seth. I had three friends because parents count. I guess they do. Oh, oh wait, do turtles count? No. okay, yeah, then just the three. Okay.
So, it's not true that you were a loser who created Facebook to have a social life. But again, how good was your social life before you were on Tv? Touche. Look, I invented Facebook, Seth. I didn't invent getting successful to meet girls. I guarantee that the first thing the guy who invented the wheel did was roll it over to some ladies. hey girls, it's called a wheel, Hop on. I mean, please, you think Aaron Sorgen doesn't mention the West Wing on dates? we're men, we use what we got.
Now, to be fair, Mark, not many people are gonna feel sorry for you. you're 26 years old, you have $4 billion. True, true, but I am responsible with my money. I mean, I went on Oprah and I donated $100 million to the Newark School System. Yeah, well, some people thought you did that to look good after the movie. of course I did that to look good after the movie. What does it matter? it was $100 million, that's hoverboard money.
Okay, so should folks at home see the movie? Yes, I mean, that's my biggest problem with the social network. I may not like what it says, but it's a really good movie. But can we talk about casting, please? I mean, Sean Parker gets Justin Friggin' Timberlake and I get Jesse Eisenberg? it's like, hey, we're making a movie about Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Steve, you're gonna be played by Brad Pitt And Bill, you're gonna be played by a cardboard box with glasses glued to it.
Yeah. so do you have any regrets at all? Yes, my one regret with Facebook is poking. poking is creepy and lame, and getting an email saying that your dad poked you is an enormous bummer, you know? I know that now and for that, I apologize. Mark Zuckerberg, Everybody! Friend Beef! you are my friend. you are my friend. you are my friend. ["the Star-spangled Banner"] |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_senior_js_developer | Well, that was a toolchain from last week. This week is different. JavaScript. I have three production outages named after me. Four. My job is to keep our code running while other packages are changing theirs.
Should you learn JavaScript?
Nope. Is there any other option? Nope.
Oh, look, another library was added today to patch the problems of the other 150 that were also released. Did you know JavaScript was actually written in seven days? Such a messy language. I love it. Did you know JavaScript was actually not written in seven days?
No one ever knows what value variable is or what its type is. Now, we use TypeScript. We still don't know. I'd rather use Rust or WebAssembly.
They say adoption is coming. They said that 10 years ago. They say that every year, but this year is different.
Is it scalable? No. Is it maintainable? No. Is it portable? Not really.
Yeah, we use React. We actually use Preact. We actually use Svelter. We actually went back to vanilla JavaScript. Yeah, we're using a library for this. Well, that we rewrote to vanilla JavaScript because it wasn't efficient. We're stuck with this messy language now. I love it. JavaScript. Yeah, it's the de facto standard. Do you know there's a library for that? I wouldn't trust the, let's say, finance application with JavaScript. What our finance application does is, yeah, it's totally fine to use JavaScript, but I'd recommend using TypeScript. Not that we do.
We had callback hell, and then we went to Promises. Await came out, went back to Promises. Now we rewrote everything back to callbacks because it's just more comfortable.
At least you know it's bad. Oh, it's probably just a quick fix. Will take me three to five days to find it.
We tried CoffeeScript, rewrote our code base, tried TypeScript, rewrote our code base, and then we went back to vanilla JavaScript because it's just more comfortable. So we rewrote our code base again. Yeah, we used React, and then React 16.8 came out and we had to rewrite everything to hooks. React 17 came out. We had to rewrite everything again. And then React Scripts was updated to version 0.4, and we had to fix everything to work with local images. And now React version 18 is coming out. We'll rewrite everything again. We rewrote our code base around nine times this month.
Yeah, you can use Redux. Totally fine. But if you're on it, I'd recommend you use Redux Toolkit. But actually, it's better to use Flux or Flummox or Fluxable. Actually, better to use recall. Not that we do. But now React came out with the Hooks and Context API, which apparently is better than Redux, apparently.
It's not actually native. I mean, it is actually native, but it's sort of not really native. It's sort of hybrid native. But some of it is native. I mean, some people use it in a native way, but we don't really use it in a native way, technically. A lot of people are switching back to native.
No one has switched yet. Angular? Talk to me when you use Angular 2 or React.
NPM is such a bad package manager. No one uses that anymore. NPM is such a good package manager.
How many languages have one? So that major version breaks our code, but our code breaks the minor version. I still don't know how to fix peer dependencies until this day.
Yarn, bit, PN, PM, Turbo would make sense, right? JavaScript doesn't think so. jQuery? What are you, five? We use jjquery. Global variables?
No one uses them. It must be somewhere in the window. How do you debug Node apps? You don't.
You just write good code. But not in JavaScript. No one ever masters JavaScript. I get 100,000 points in Stack Overflow. I'm still a noob. Node is technically multi-threaded. JavaScript is technically performant. Our code is never safe. One day it'll blow up. Probably won't work anymore. Probably we'll be using Rust or WebAssembly or whatever. JS.
An array is technically just an object. Objects are objects. Null is technically not an object, but objects can be null. So they technically can be non-objects, unless they're an object, right? So technically null is an object.
Yes. It's a bit hacky, I admit. But JavaScript is by design. Is it easy to learn? Have you tried JavaScript? Probably will be a bit hacky. Have you used JavaScript before?
I don't recommend. I don't like our tool chain.
Documentation. And another advantage is that it's free. So it was Java before it was bought by Oracle. So we prepare ourselves by installing modules from NPM. Then we compile it to TypeScript. Then we use a transpiler called Bubble to transpile it to ES5, load it with system JS, file for bankruptcy, bundle it all up with Webpack, use it in a framework like React, and let the state be managed by Redux, or Flux, Flummox, or Fluxible, or Recoil, or whatever, JS. And voila. All of this just to avoid using jQuery, or in our case, JJQuery.
But that'll be probably less performant as most of the things. This isn't our production code. It will be tomorrow, though. Probably going to get fired again. I mean, there's really no alternative to JavaScript right now. De facto. No one really knows what the value is until we get an error.
I love it. Well, try writing anything without JavaScript nowadays. JavaScript. I love it. No, I don't recommend it. |
cracked | the_secret_meanings_behind_every_dragon_ball_z_character_name_canonball_z | Besides hair the color of radioactive jello, the quickest way to spot an anime protagonist is by looking at their name, which will almost inevitably consist of some kind of ham-fisted wordplay. For example, Sailor Moon's earth name, Yusagi Tsukino, has the character for Moon in it. When read the Japanese way, which is surname first, it sounds like the Japanese term Moon Rabbit. Hopefully the Moon part speaks for itself, but like a five-year-old at a birthday magic show, you might be wondering, where the heck did that rabbit The character's name is actually a reference to Japanese folklore, according to which rabbits live on the moon, where they make rice cakes, obviously. Now, rabbits don't really connect in any special way to Sailor Moon. It's a simple word association game with no deeper meaning. Most anime shows keep things even simpler by giving their heroes names containing kanji that correspond to their powers or personalities, like in My Hero Academia, where a superhero called Eraserhead has the character for Erase in his real name, or how a guy with a tail has the character for Tail in his name, or how a frog girl has frog in her name.
You get the picture. But while most anime pun names are just authors having a bit of fun here and there, Dragon Ball takes it to a whole new level by using wordplay for nearly every character or location name on the show. So let's take a look at the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable naming conventions that apparently came from the single most harrowing juice cleanse in history. We're talking a full vegetable plate full of thugs, an entire planet of snail men, and no less than two characters named after breast milk. This is Cannonball. Dragon Ball actually started out as a loose comedic retelling of Journey to the West, a 16th century Chinese classic about a monk looking for sacred Buddhist texts. Over time he's joined by a cast of fantastical characters, including the monkey king Sun Wukong, whose name, when read the Japanese way, is pronounced Sun Goku, which eagle-eyed Dragon Ball fans may recognize. This is clenched eyes focused. That's why, like Sun Wukong, the anime Goku has a monkey tail, rides clouds, and owns a magic extending stick. Now, I know we all secretly suspect that it was a clumsy penis metaphor, but if it is, it's a 500-year-old dick joke from a book, which lends it a certain era of dignity.
That's enough music for now, lads.
Anyway, after getting the name Sun Goku from Journey to the West, Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama decided that that's all the help he's willing to accept from the book, and so he boldly set out to come up with every other character name on his own. So he ostensibly opened up his fridge and started writing down everything except a feted box of baking As a result, the vast majority of Dragon Ball names are based on food. Just look at the Saiyans, the alien race that Goku belongs to. In Japanese, the monkey spacemen are actually called the Seiya people, with Seiya being an anagram of Yasai, meaning vegetables. Plus, according to Dragon Ball Super, they originally hail from planet Sadara, an anagram of the Japanese pronunciation of salad. So, despite looking like Greek gods chiseled out of blocks of ham, Goku, Vegeta, and every other Saiyan is essentially a vegetable man from planet salad. As a result, all Saiyan monikers are vegan-friendly, like Goku's birth name, Kakarot, a play on the English carrot, or Raditz, the name of his brother, which, you'll never believe this, comes from Radish. Goku's father, Bardock, named after the burdock root vegetable, his mother, Gine, an anagram of Nagi, meaning spring onion, Broly, that's broccoli baby, Nappa, Vegeta's old partner, named after Nappa Cabbage. This is also why Vegeta, a name that he shares with his father, the king, is a Saiyan prince and ruler of the vegetable people.
Honestly, that's how politics everywhere should work. I'll be voting for America Ferreira in 2024.
And this whole food naming convention extends to Goku's Earth family as well. Gohan, the name of both Goku's adoptive grandfather and later his son, comes from the Japanese word for cooked rice, or just meal. Gohan's daughter, Pan, is similarly carbo-loaded, since her name comes from the Japanese word for bread. And, as for Goku's wife, Chi-Chi, well, her name can mean breasts or milk, but given the whole food theme so far, it's probably the latter.
I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me? I did try to confirm it by googling Chi-Chi breasts, question mark, but all I got was a stern talking to from HR.
You can also find Dragon Ball characters whose business cards double as grocery store labels outside of the Sun bloodline. Goku's best friend, Krillin, named Kuri-Rin, in the original Japanese, got his name from Kuri, meaning chestnut.
Yowee chestnut! Maybe that's why it's so fun and easy to make fun of him. Who doesn't enjoy a roasted chestnut? By the way, chestnut is also the meaning of his daughter's name, Maron, only in French.
But it's not all just raw ingredients. Some Dragon Ball character names were also apparently lifted from old takeout that Toriyama had in his studio fridge, like with Tian Shinhan, named after Ten Shin-Dan, which you may know as Crab Meat Omelette over Rice. Then there's his partner, Chiatsu, named after Jiaozi, the Chinese name for pot stickers. And don't forget Yamcha, who got his name from Yumcha, which is a Cantonese-style dim sun brunch with tea. And, of course, the villainous emperor Pilaf, named after Pilaf Rice, and his two henchmen, Shu and Mai, who, put together, make Shu Mai, a type of pork dumpling. To wash it all down, why not have a big tall glass of oolong, you know, the perverted shape-shifting pig named after oolong tea, who got the first on-screen Dragon Ball wish when he requested a pair of girls' panties. That is a real thing that happened on the show, and we should never stop talking about it. Some of the food puns on Dragon Ball got really creative, though, especially with the Tower of Korin, where Goku trains for a while. The Tower's occupant, a martial artist master, and cat, is actually named Karen in Japan, which uses the suffix to for names of towers. That means the Tower of Korin in Japanese would be Karinto, which is also the name of a popular Japanese deep-fried snack made from flour, yeast, and brown sugar. Then there was Nata de Village in the Dragon Ball Z Broly movie, which, when combined with Coco, a girl who lived there, produced a reference to Nata de Coco, or Chewy Coconut Jelly. But by the time we got to Dragon Ball Z, some of the wordplay started to get weird, like with Frieza's Elite Mercenaries, the Ginyu Force. Their name is a play on Ginyu, meaning cow's milk, which is why every member of the squad is named after a dairy product.
This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch. It's just a bit unsettling to have to fight a bunch of dude bros in tight tights with names based on things like butter, cream, and yogurt. Especially that last guy. His head looks like it should be pixelated.
I would also never recommend picking a fight with Bonyu, a female member of the Ginyu squad introduced in the Dragon Ball Z Kakarot video game. Her name isn't even a play on anything, it's literally just breast milk. I don't want to be Chesty LaRue or Busty St. Clair.
Still, at least the names of the original Ginyu gang were changed a little bit to make them sound less...porny, like how the butter guy was named Berter, and how yogurt head was named Gerudo in Japanese. But some of the food pun names from this same story arc got downright lazy. There are actual Frieza goons in the anime named Cranberry, Raspberry, and Blueberry. Would you like some tropical skittles? There's also another Cranberry guy named Cranbo, which could be a really good Australian nickname for a redhead, but is an incredibly lazy name for a bad guy in your anime fruit gang. Wanna put it on the menu? What guy picked us? Now all that being said, not every name on Dragon Ball is snackable.
Some are based on clothing, like Bulma, whose Japanese name is Buruma, which comes from the word bloomers. But in Japan refers to girls' gym shorts.
You know, the thing she should have been wearing when she accidentally flashed Master Roshi, which is another real thing that happened on the show, but one we must never mention again, because she was only 16 at the time. This is the one thing we didn't want to happen.
Anyway, Bulma's entire family is named like that. Her father is Dr. Brief, her son is Trunks, her daughter Bulma's original name is Bura, which sounds just like the Japanese word for bra. And though Bulma's mom is never named on the show, according to Akira Toriyama, her name would be Panchi, as a play on panties.
My name is Pussy Galore. I must be dreaming.
But the second most popular source of pun names in Dragon Ball isn't underwear in lingerie, it's slugs. It all starts on the planet Namek, the name of which comes from the Japanese Namekuji, which translates to, you guessed it, slug. It's the home planet of Piccolo's race and explains why he and his people, with their green skin and head antennas, look like raw escargot. Speaking of, there are two Namekian characters whose names come from escargot, Eska and cargo. Other sluggish Dragon Ball names include Katasun Mori, the two halves of the Japanese Katatsu Mori, meaning snail. There's also Dende, which comes from Dendenmushi, another Japanese word for snail, and lest we forget, nail, which is literally just almost snail. Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. Somehow even lazier is Lord Slug.
It kind of makes you wonder though, why the author of Dragon Ball decided to fill his comic with, well, a bunch of dad jokes. Either we're getting soft or we're in the first stages of senility. It might have made sense in the early days when Dragon Ball was definitely more focused on comedy. But as the series went on, it started taking itself a bit more seriously.
He took me from my father.
But the puns, the wordplay, and other joke names never stopped. One of Dragon Ball's most powerful and vicious villains is Beerus, a god of destruction from Dragon Ball Z, Battle of Gods, the first Dragon Ball movie that came out after a 17-year hiatus. That film's job was to get people excited about the franchise again, and it succeeded in large part thanks to a really kick-ass villain with a seemingly boring name. Akira Toriyama, who didn't actually create the character, initially thought it was based on Beer. But apparently Beerus' name was inspired by the Japanese Birusu, from the German pronunciation of virus. See, now we're thinking about the etymology of a murder cat god's name instead of enjoying the action. So again, why does Dragon Ball keep inserting jokes into their character's names?
Well, the answer is that they aren't always meant as jokes. Look, Japanese humor is like 90% puns, which, same as here in the US, everyone pretends to hate but secretly loves. But words that sound the same but mean different things are a big part of Japanese culture, even outside of comedy. Take the number four, for example. One of the ways to say it, and there are several, but let's not get into that now, is she. That happens to also be a homophone for death in Japanese. That's why places like hotels will sometimes not have a fourth floor, much like some Western hotels skip the thirteenth floor. There's also the popular Japanese custom of placing figures of frogs in front of houses. Frog, in Japanese, is kairu, which sounds just like a verb meaning to return home, making the frog figures like little buddies helping you stumble home after one too many Biruses. And there are still many Japanese people who eat pork cutlets for good luck, before a big test or some other challenge, because the Japanese word for cutlet is katsu, which sounds just like the verb to win. None of those things is meant to be humorous, which is sometimes the case with names in Dragon Ball. Most of them are jokes, but they're the result of a culture that finds a kind of power in wordplay, even if some of the later Dragon Ball names were a really low effort.
Seriously, you introduce the first female member of the milk squad and you just call her breast milk, which implies that all the other milk-based products are male? Congrats, you weirdo, you just gendered dairy.
Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe. And while you're here, why don't you share a link to your elaborate manifesto on which foods are boys and which foods are girls. |
cracked | david_letterman_tortured_the_actor_who_played_him_in_a_tv_movie | In the 1990s, HBO put out The Late Shift, based on the book by Bill Carter, which dramatized the behind-the-scenes battle between David Letterman and Jay Leno over who would get to host The Tonight Show. And Letterman wasn't too happy with his portrayal in the movie. The Letterman character was played by the hilarious John Michael Higgins, who would go on to appear in Waiting for Goffman, Best in Show, and every other mockumentary directed by Christopher Guest. At the time, Letterman, who had only seen clips, not the whole movie, criticized Higgins' performance, telling Entertainment Weekly, I'm sure he's a fine actor, but his interpretation seems to be, well, a circus chimp. He looks like he's insane, like he's a budding psychopath. He later said that the movie was, the biggest waste of films since my wedding photos. Letterman seemed especially upset with Higgins' hair piece. He's playing me with red hair, Letterman told guest Treat Williams in 1996. When they threw to a clip from the movie, it was actually Letterman playing Higgins, playing Letterman, complete with an ill-fitting red wig.
Can you save my career? He refused to speak to John Michael Higgins, even bumping him from his show one time. |
dropout | I_Deserve_All_the_Credit_Unless_It_s_for_Something_Bad | ["Wannabe News Theme"] According to Dr. Boshi, when this device detonates, it should create a quantum explosion. Which, as we all know, is a regular explosion, but with more science. Yeah, we know what a quantum explosion is.
We're not idiots, Trish. I know that you're like the science person, but you don't have to explain basic science. Just think about it.
If all goes according to plan, the portal will be destroyed, and I'll be the woman that saved the world. Um, I'm also the woman who saved the world.
I did a lot to help. Yeah, me too. Except for the woman part. And the helping part. You guys contributed, but as the leader of the team, I think I should get the most credit. Why do you deserve the most credit? Yeah.
Because I have to make all the hard decisions. I can make decisions too.
I say we throw the bomb in the portal. Throw the bomb in the portal!
I win. Okay, neither of those count because that was already the plan. Yeah, but Trish did beat Armin too. I beat, yeah, to a plan that already existed. I beat Armin. The plan was already in place.
Sarah, you maybe get this. How do I know we're just repeating it out loud?
Let's go have some fun.
Ha ha ha! Not so fast, Clem-us! We'll crush you! Do a bulb! It looks like it's up to me to save the day. Come back! No peepy, come back! Look at that speed.
We're no match for this A-Long. We have to be coordinated, okay? Only one person in charge.
Yes, absolutely. Okay, so...
Let's go have a bomb in the portal! Everyone die! Armin! What's up? Damn it, everybody stop! You stop!
I don't have to listen to what you guys say, because the thing is, I'm a loose cannon. Someone's got to make the tough decisions. You? I threw the bomb. Because I told you to. I fired the nipple missiles. So what?
That had nothing to do with it. That doesn't matter. It was the pivotal part of the battle.
Sarah.
Oof. You fucked up this time. You and you alone, for sure. You messed up everything. How did I come in? I saved the day. I saved you, Sarah.
I mean, she was a fucking leader. She's going to have to take the fall for this. You are going to have to take the fall for this.
Oh my god. The portal is gone. We destroyed it.
No more villains. No more monsters. The world is finally safe.
Thanks to me! No, it was a team effort, right? Back me up here, Brody. Yes, sister! You agreed, right?
Brody? I'm good. Brody? Oh, Brody's finally quiet for once, huh?
Ultramaric Tron Team Go! It's a giant, fatty team. It can grow out of war, but it can only be controlled by the chosen four. So now they're working hard and laying together in the Ultramaric Tron. Ultramaric Tron Team Go!
Well, looks like that clip was cut short. But if you like what you saw and you want to see more of this episode, start your free trial today on Dropout.tv. You don't have to be the brains of the operation to know that that's a good idea. See? Brains. Welcome to the brain show. It's more of a science fair.
Anyway, you probably wouldn't get it. It's just kind of a smart piece of shit. Okay. No big deal. I know we're all sad about Brody, but if it means closing the portal, maybe it was worth it. Close it up! |
dropout | Gay_Bars | I hope it was good. This isn't really a conversation. I'm Allie, I'm your host. We have a really great episode today. I'm joined by three people I just can't wait to talk to. Let's go around and introduce ourselves.
Hi, I'm Paul Robolino. Some of you might know me from being on the show. I'm Paul Robolino. I'm the host of the show. Some of you might know me from being a producer on this show.
Yeah. Or from when I appeared on the last episode of this show. But I'm so happy to be back. Yes. And I identify as he him.
So thank you, thank you for having me. I'm Roberta Calindrez. I'm an actor. I go by she, her.
I'm Allie. I go by they them. You've heard me talk on almost every episode, so I think that's already out there.
And I identify as a non-binary person who dates women who seem like they were annoying as children. That is my only type. That's a type though. Women with so much energy that you're like, you must have been a handful as a child. And I'm so attracted to that.
Great. Next up. Hi. Where's my cameras?
I'm Allie O'Shawkat. Yeah, I'm Allie O'Shawkat.
Forgot everything else.
She. Call me she. Her. It.
And then bisexual queer. Cool. We're late. Nice. Bi-rep. We talk a lot about bi-rep on this show.
Not enough of it. Or maybe too much. No, I'm just kidding. Make up your mind. True nightmare response.
Actually, I was at a restaurant, and I felt like, OK, so there's these two women with like giant wedding rings on eating next to me. And they were having a conversation about transness. And it felt like it was the kind of restaurant where our tables were so close together, it was almost as though the four of us were eating dinner together. You know? And they were having this conversation about like, where did all these trans people come from in the last two years? It feels like it's such a recent thing. And then one of them was like, I read an article where over 90% of trans people who get a surgery or take hormones regret it, and they were just homosexuals.
And I was like, I was just sitting there like, oh my god, do I say something? But it just felt like I was getting to hear. I was like a spy. Yeah. I was like getting to hear them like unfiltered.
I want to know what the article was. It had to be Breitbart. You probably wrote it. I think I know what article. I read this article I wrote.
She's like, I wrote it. It's like handwritten. She's like.
90%. Going on her naps. 110%. Did you know that 90% of people just wraps it up? I know Newsweek did a feature on trans youth, some of whom said they realized that they were incorrect. But it was certainly not 90%. It's not 90%.
It's also those cases get so much media. I know there's this one pastor or something, and he claims that he transitioned to a woman for 30 years and then realized it was a mistake. And now he writes. He's written 18 books about it, and everyone is eating those up. And you're like, that's one case. And also.
30 years. Yeah. 30 years. I'm like, that's how long I've been alive. That's how long it took Peter to realize.
Did something bad happen to you?
It's such a conflation of gender and sexuality. It's like, oh, you were just gay? It's like, no. Half of it. It's like, who I want to date is the sexuality part, but who I want to be. It's completely separate. Yeah. It's like, you can be trans and gay. You can be trans and straight.
Wake up. I really commend you, though, for your willpower and not saying or going off on those people. I mean. Well, I was like, do I say something? Or just pretend to be their waiter and like, excuse me. Excuse me. Get on the table.
Your bill just tripled. You dropped this. It was a wrong fact.
Let me let you know. Great. OK.
Well, usually how we start off this show is me ranting about strangers in public. No, I'm just kidding. We kind of tell our coming out stories or maybe just a moment where you started to feel like, oh, it's different for me or like an inkling of that.
I was remembering that I went bra shopping with my mom when I was like 12. And I remember thinking like, she's into me. About who? It just felt so inappropriate. Your mom? About my mom. Because it was as though I was bra shopping with my dad. Like, if that makes sense, because I was like, I'm gay. Women are into each other. It's weird that my mom is taking me bra shopping.
Wow. I can see that. Anyway. Yeah, it's like the Oedipal. Yes. Yeah. So I think that was the first time when I was like, oh. Or like going to like, you know, fucking. Sorry.
Electra. Electra is the.
You trying to get off the mic? What's that?
The other side of Oedipal is, or the other side of Oedipus is Oedipus. Oh, Oedipus.
Oh, we got a real play now. Child mother? Yes. Wait, no. Yes. Well, it's child. Father. Girl. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you want to kill your mother.
And that's Electra? Electra. Wow. Carmen Electra.
Yes. It's what I thought of immediately going like this. Hey. What are you doing? Fuck you, mom. She should be on this podcast. I know. Where's she at?
Or like when you go to like a locker room or whatever, and you're like, it's all the women getting, I'm here with all the women getting undressed. And you're like, yeah. Yeah. And you're like, oh.
That was horrible.
Am I living in The Sims?
I kind of remember that in a, kind of in a more recent way, like being at the gym and not being like a creep or anything. Just like being at the gym and then seeing a girl that I think is cute, and I was like, oh, we're both, there's change in extra change. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I used to think of it, like I didn't think of it that way before. I was just like, yeah, it's just a locker room.
And then now I'm like, I'm not going to look again, but maybe I can. Maybe I can. I'm going to position myself towards the mirror in such a way.
I mean, that's always tricky. Being at a gym or something in the locker room is always kind of scary. Because I always assume someone thinks that I'm checking them out or something.
Yes. Or that like if someone's straight, I'm like so afraid of creeping them out. Yeah, totally. I always have been like that. Yeah.
Gyms are so creepy, though. Because then if you look at a guy, I find, outside of the gym, in the world, the jungle of the gym, for any longer than two seconds, they're like, are you trying to say something? They're thinking it's something. I'm like, no, you're standing in front of, I don't know. I'm sweating and breathing. I don't want to look at you. Those kind of people who repeat eye contact means it's on.
It's aggressive. I'm like, no. Go on it. Good God.
I feel like that is for, I don't know, maybe it's a gay male thing. I'm not sure. But I feel like eye contact is such a way of communication.
Even in the gym or in the locker room, where it's like you glance over, and then you look away, but then they glance at you, and then you glance at them. Oh, yeah. They glance at you, and then you're like, OK, there's definitely something there. But there's also power in looking away first. Yeah. You're like. Breaking the gaze. Break that gaze. Or sometimes you're aware that they're trying to do that with you, and you just want to be like, no, I'm not. I'm not feeling it. Yeah. That's more what I encounter. You've got to go no with your eyeballs. You've got to go. I know.
It's very rare for me to make eye contact with someone. I think is attractive.
I've been told I'm truly the worst flirt in the world. Everyone's like, I thought you just wanted to be best friends until we were literally having sex.
And then even after. And then even after, I was like, great one, sport. Yeah. Good job. OK, so coming out stories.
Anyone got a juice? Got a juicy one?
Or just a general tale from our closet? Yes, a general tale from your particular closet. Or one of your closets. I've been in multiple closets. I mean, it's a lifelong closet. Closet after closet.
I did get my first white hair after I slept with a woman for the first time. Really? Yeah, I like. And now each white hair is for each woman you slept with.
I'm not going to speak to that. There are a number of white hairs over here. Let's just say. I'm not speaking to that. It's one wider than the next. Truly. And more like, the white hairs have nothing to do with the rest of my hair as we talk.
Wait, do you think it was from the stress? Or what do you?
Well, yeah, I was terrified of my parents finding out I was gay. I mean, you're like Texas, right? Yeah. But I'm also Latin and Catholic and whatever. Yeah, I was just terrified of it and I was just so gay always. But I wasn't even thinking about like, I'm gay. I just was like, no, I'm not. I like dudes. You know, whatever.
And then I slept with this girl. And the next day I went to the restroom and I was like, yeah. And there was like a one white hair. It was like long. And it wasn't there before. I was like, you're gay. Yeah, and then I started getting them. And then I went home one weekend from college to my parents' house. And my mom was like, oh, you have secrets. And I was like, what? And she was like, I started getting white hairs when I started having secrets. I was like, what the hell?
That's what you said? Yeah, dude, my mom is. Yo.
When I started having secrets. Were you like, mom, what are your secrets? Yeah, but my mom's secrets are way worse than mine.
She had like two streaks. I just have the one right there. Wow. So after that first experience with that woman, you said you were feeling pretty awesome about it.
You weren't like, for me, I know my experience. I was like so ashamed of what I had done. No, I was like, I felt like good. I felt like, oh, that's what I was born to do with women. But I was also like, I'm not going to tell anyone. And I did actually, she and I dated for like three years. And the whole time I was like, we're friends. It was just really weird about it.
Oh, is this a high school? In high school? College.
OK, cool. Unfortunately, yeah. Yeah, damn.
But it was also a situation where I was just like, I realized in that moment that my whole life I had been thinking of myself not even consciously, but when I would tell people about it, which was like very few people, I would say, talk about this girl. And it was the first time I started realizing that my whole life, until that moment, I had always thought of myself as a guy.
Oh, yeah. Totally. And if I was retelling a story of something that happened, it was me as a guy and whoever else was in the story. And then after that, I started seeing myself as a girl. Yeah. And I was like, oh, guess.
It was just me thinking the only way that I could see women like this was if I was a guy. I had the exact same experience. Because it's just like, especially with religion and stuff, it was just so off the table to be gay. And I felt like I didn't know any gay women at all. Yeah, no. They were all straight. So I was like, the only person they would want to be with is a guy. And I would picture myself as the perfect guy for them, depending on which girl.
I was like, oh. And then I would play guitar. Whatever.
Fix her car. I fucking fix her car.
And then I'd say, you look great today. No. No, but yeah, same thing. Yeah. That's so wild. Yeah.
And then did you come out to your parents ever? Or are you still? I did.
Years later, my dad actually had gassed me. I was just terrified of him.
My mom made a really big deal my whole life of being like, there's this artist, Juan Gabriel, that she really loves. Everyone loves Juan Gabriel.
But she was just like, you know what I love about him? He was clearly gay. He was a very gay man while he was living. And she was like, you know what I love about him is that he's clearly gay, but he never talks about it because he knows it would hurt. It would break his mom's heart.
Oh. I was always like, god damn it. Yeah.
I love my mom.
No, totally. But that's the conflict. Same with me. I'm like, I love my mom too. But god, you fucked up with raising me. I mean, now we talked about it, but we'll just get all this. No, totally.
I mean, she did the best she could. But I'm like, it was like my brother and I were both very clearly gay. And she was just like, you know what we should do?
We should go to the nearest church that doesn't allow dancing. Wait, do any church allow dancing? No. This specific denomination called Nazarene, you're not allowed to dance.
Nazarene. Oh, I saw a church in Nazarene.
The basis of field news? Yeah, exactly. It's like exactly footloose.
And then I left. Got looked at there. No, I'm just kidding.
I mean, Baptist is kind of like that. I feel like Baptists don't explicitly say don't dance. Baptist is very dancing.
Oh. Oh, yeah, it's all dancing. All you do is dance.
Mm-hmm. No. Not the white Baptist churches. Oh, yeah, OK, cool.
It's like a bunch of old ladies singing vibrato.
Well, that's because they can't. That's because they can't dance. They don't know how.
So when I came out to my parents, first of all, I was terrified. But they were so, so, so wonderful about it, immediately accepting, immediately embraced me, and were awesome.
But I do have one memory of being younger in the mall with my family and my mom. I guess she saw two women holding hands or something. And she made a remark indicating her disapproval of that. I don't even remember what it was.
But I remember that my entire life. Yeah, totally. And so that's all I had to go off of.
Where it was just like, clearly it's not OK. It's immoral. It's not going to be accepted. It's going to be looked down upon.
Because that's the only clue I had.
Yes. You're like in a vacuum at that point. We were raised in such a hetero world that any little thing. And it's definitely not fair to our parents. Of course.
All I had to work on was that one fucking off-handed comment. And they're like, I said a lot of things growing up. But you're like, I had no media. I had no anything telling me stories about gay people. I had any normal setting.
It's always really dangerous. My dad used to, my dad's like Middle Eastern too. And I found out later that when he grew up that if someone was gay or caught, they would torture them. Whoa. Or kill them sometimes. In the Middle East. So when I heard that, I was just like, Jesus Christ. It was so terrifying. And when I was younger, if it was on TV and two men would kiss, he would kind of make a reaction like, oh, it's a channel.
And my mom was completely opposite, raised in LA from a couple hippies. And we both jumped on him. We're like, what the hell's wrong with you?
Watch this. You ought to watch this.
And we got so on him. And he was like, OK. And he's come such a far away because of it. But we were so double teaming him. He's on Pornhub now.
Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to like. No, no. I mean, what you're saying is so, yeah.
I relate really hard because even though it turned out that they were very loving and accepting, probably because it was someone that they already loved and knew in their child. But that's all I had to go off of because in general in my house, we also didn't ever talk about dating or sex at all.
Totally. I had a very neutered head. Yeah. Not that they forbade it.
But it's just like. It's scary. And like nudity is also like our bodies are so sexualized.
Whereas like, I remember when I was at Burning Man. Anybody? Whoa. Woo. But they were like. Did you just pop a pill? We all just watched you. I was like. Aw. When I was at Burning Man.
But there was like this bathing thing. You get really dirty there because it's like dust everywhere. Other reasons too. But anyways. It's so gross. I'm making fun of it. So yeah, there's like a bathing thing where like you get in line and you have to bathe. Like three people and one person are bathing them, watching them. And then at the end, you end up getting cleaned.
You know? And I was like really dirty. And I was like, oh god. I really want to take a shower. And I'm like waiting in line. And I got my underwear and my bra on. You know? And I'm just kind of like. I'm not going to be that crazy. And then by the time we get to that, I'm like watching everyone. And it's so not sexual. Just like scrubbing underneath their arms. And you really are like, I know this is going to feel so good when it's done to me. And you say consent. Like you're allowed to touch here, but not here if you want. And by the time it was my turn, I was like butt naked. And I was like, clean me everywhere. Like go for it. You know? And it reminded me that like, because when I grew up, also like my dad owned a strip club.
So it had like a very strange like setting idea of like how women's bodies should be looked at and how they should be treated. And kind of like a weird attraction tied into being disrespected. Which is like weird.
Yes. That's super interesting. Yeah.
And something that I'm like, have dealt with and am still dealing with. But the nudity thing, I was like, yeah. Because like for me, I don't like wearing bras anymore at all. And like sometimes it feels natural to walk around the house with my shirt off. But then it's like, even if I'm just changing, but if my dad's in the house, my mom's even like, Ally, your father's in the room. And it's like so like terrifying. And I'm like, but what?
My little brother walks around practically fucking naked anyways.
Totally. Like those kind of things trip me out that I'm like, that's more about like gender even than just sexuality. No, but yeah. But part of you can be like, it's like an illegal body. Or like not allowed. Naturally, it's going to be sexualized just by being looked at. Yes.
My dad asked me to wear a bra like recently when I was wearing like a tank top. And he's like, I can see your nipples. And I'm like, you live through this. You live through the 70s. You saw everyone's nipples.
Like what's the problem? Yes.
And I remember when I was like really young, I would always be like shirtless. And then we went to like a water park. And I like just wore trunks. And my mom was like so worried about it. Was like, we have to get you a top right now. And I like looked exactly like young boy had like a bowl cut.
Like no one would have known. But it was such a like, oh, like in the world, you cannot walk that way. And that changes your perspective on your own body immediately when you're a bored female.
It just sucks. Yeah. It really sucks.
And then you're trying to unlock that part of yourself for the rest of time kind of. You're still kind of triggered by it. I find when I'm with men versus women, it's still so tied into that with men. There's this still kind of like, oh, yeah, take advantage of me. And with women, I'm like, no, I'm actually connecting to a human.
I care about it. Let's go.
Yeah, so it's like I still have this like weird frame that's been on top of it. Our dynamics are really interesting with stuff like that too. But I think, I mean, we are hard on our parents all the time for the shit that they failed us at or whatever. But it's also society.
I mean, even the fact that like the word gay was like, oh, that's so gay. Like about shit that was dumb or something. That sucks. Or being a pussy or something. It's just all that shit. It's like the perfect, it was just like sexism that was just so rampant, which added to like all of the like homophobia and stuff like that.
And then our parents were like, I need to help shield you from that. I just had another like memory that I haven't thought about in so long because you just prompted it by saying that. But my, I call, I don't know.
I call her like my grandma. But she's actually like my mom's aunt. But she was like a grandmotherly figure to me.
And I used to love her, love, love, love, going to her house. She was awesome. She would like bring us to McDonald's. Like she was the best.
The way to any American kid's heart. The McNuggets, girl.
And she gave my parents books to give my brothers and me. Like a stack of books. And I remember my dad like going through them. And one of them, he was like, oh, no, no, no, no. And he like hid it above on like one of his high shelves.
And you were immediately like, I'm going to go find that. Immediately, I'm going to go find it. Later, like I go and I jump on the bed. Like I grab it.
And it was like a book titled like my uncle is gay. Or like my uncle David is gay. Something like a kid's book about like teaching kids about.
Not that it was, I don't think she even meant anything by it. Because years later, I asked her. I was like, was this to teach us anything? And she was like, what? No, I got those books at a garage sale. I don't think she. Then you turned around. She was like. I don't think she knew what she was doing.
Turned around. She was making out with a woman. It was her roommate. Run to the bed.
But I saw that. And I was like, OK. I see this.
This isn't allowed in the home. My parents didn't want me to see this.
Now I know that this is like an immoral thing. This like fearful censorship that's like frantic. Yeah. That's so scary.
And then in college, I took this class called US Lesbian and Gay History, which was the coolest class ever. It was like one of the most popular courses at school.
And part of it was interviewing people in your life about their attitudes towards gayness in the times that they grew up, where they grew up. Because my parents are both also from Latin America. So I talked to them about things like that. And while doing so, I asked them. I was like, dad, do you remember when I was like five?
And mommy also gave us that one book. And you like hit it. And he didn't remember what I was talking about. Whoa. Because to him, it was like, oh, whatever.
I don't want my kids seeing that.
Yeah. But to me, I was like. Yeah, you read into so much stuff. It left something. Yes. I was like, I have three memories having to do with gayness. And that's a third of it. Yeah.
It was actually, he didn't want your uncle to see the book. He didn't want me to start calling my uncle gay.
Yeah. No.
I mean, it wasn't even because there's no gay people in my family aside from me. And I have one cousin who's queer.
And she and I bond over it because we're the only ones. Yeah. But she's younger than I am. But no one else. So growing up, there was nothing like that. Yeah, totally. We had one uncle.
Really? One single gay. Good God. Yeah.
I have two cousins on my dad's Arabic side who came over from Baghdad, got to America.
And both were like, we're gay. We are gay. We have partners. And she got married. And they were like so quickly were just like, yeah, we're both gay. Great. And they found partners right away. And I was like, that's fucking amazing.
And my grandma, who doesn't even speak much English, I was like, oh, so you met Sarah's wife. She's rad. She came over to Christmas and stuff. She's like, yeah. She's no go to heaven, though. And I was like, maybe she will. My beautiful grandma I've loved always.
And I was like, you're evil. But I think she's come around to it in more ways. But I was like, no hell. And I'm like, are you trying to tell her? I was like, I'm gay. And she's like, no. Oh my gosh. OK, one step at a time with you, grandma. I had a coworker who was from El Salvador. And I told her I was gay. And she was so afraid of me for the rest of me being a barista there. Afraid of you? Yeah, truly. She was like, no, you're not gay. And I was like, oh, yeah.
Wait, afraid for you or afraid of you? Truly afraid of.
Like, we'd drop off the clean dishes and be like. I would always laugh and run away.
I don't know. Anyway. She's gay. Did you think it was contagious? She's clearly gay. Wake up. We did hook up.
No, I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding.
She thought it was contagious. Yeah, she was like, oh, I don't want to catch it.
Good fucking god. OK, today, each episode we talk about something in the gayest sphere. Today, I want to talk about gay bars. Oh, god. Thoughts? Boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, setting the tone. Gay bars.
Do you love them? Do you hate them? Do you go to them?
Depends on the city. Depends on the, yeah, that was a good point.
Some cities, great gay bars. Really? Sometimes they're just the best, yeah. Sometimes the gay bar just means it's all dudes. What's a city that you really do like the gay nightlife there? I feel like New York seems like an obvious one, but I've always had a really good time in New York. Gay bars.
Totally. There's very many you could choose from, different styles, lots of dancing, versus just cute people. There's lots of options. Versus just drugs. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I like the options of it. I feel like LA's a little more slim. So when I hear that here, I'm a little like, are we? Yeah. The ones here are very heavy. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Very geared towards, and not only towards men, but a specific kind of man. Yeah, jocks. Hollywood style.
Oh, the ripped ones? Ripped instagays. Instagays. Fun.
There was one bar in Austin, one lesbian bar in Austin when I was growing up, and it was called the Rainbow Cattle Company. Oh, I love that. And it was so tight, but it was cool to go there, because it was the only lesbian bar. It was downtown. But it was just like, butches everywhere. And I was like, so cool, man. Oh my god. OK, that's the point that I was going to make, is now a gay bar is kind of like, eh, hit or miss. But when I was first coming out, living on that razor's edge.
It was like everything. It was everything.
I went to a super Christian university. I don't know why I did that to myself. So I'm like 22, and still like, I've signed a contract in blood saying I won't have a gay thought. And I went to a gay bar and just parked across from it.
Is that when you danced for the first time? That's when I danced for the first time.
Oh my god. Holy shit. And I just looked at the gay bar. I just looked at it.
And I listened to Britney Spears' circus on repeat to pump myself up as though I was in there. And then I went home, because I couldn't do it.
I know. That's cute, man. I know.
And then I went to a lot of gay bars. I went to the abbey here, and just stood there with a beer like, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Just breathe. That's so wholesome. That was my rum sprunga.
I don't like the abbey.
No. No one does.
You get stolen from. Allie likes it. Oh, Brian got stolen from.
Allegedly.
It's on Sunset and Fountain. Which one? The abbey. It's like the one with the Dumbo dancers.
Oh, no, no, no. What's the one with the Akbar? The abbey's like the Akbar. Akbar.
Yeah, that's more like a laid back. And then you guys still have laid back or fisting. Depending on the night. You have to lay back to get fisted. If it's Fisting Friday.
For me, gay bars are tricky, because sometimes I am not in the mood to actually go out and party and stuff. But I have this incredible FOMO that if I don't go to these spaces, that I'm somehow missing out.
It's not that. It's like this part of gayness that if I'm not a part of it, then what am I? Where am I going to meet gay people? That's it.
Sometimes I'm like, at least this is for me, I'm making up for lost time. There were definitely five years where I was so fucking hot and not touching a single person. I was just so closeted and scared. And now I'm like, I still got to get out there. It feels like every time you go to a gay bar and you have a sloppy night, you're like, and this was one of the ones I could have had. I'm trying to remake back up that time. And then you have to be like, why am I acting this way as an adult?
I have work tomorrow. I don't need to like.
There's also, I find more people I'm attracted to not just always at. It's not just like, got to just go to the gay bar to find someone. It's more like house parties and things like that. Yeah, that's true.
Just everywhere. Everyone's like hanging out together.
Or like a ceramics class. It's like so much better to meet people in the wild, at least for me. Although ceramics class, I would kind of expect to meet a big old dyke. I mean, honestly, that's a mixer.
Has anyone seen Ghost? Wake up.
I feel like I just thought of something and then forgot it.
Tight. Oh, what was that like? Tight, dude.
What was the first time you went to a gay bar? The first time I went to a gay. Well, the Rainbow Cattle Company in Austin but then in New York.
I went. I had decided like, all right, I'm going to be a gay person. And I was in rehearsal with my theater company. And I looked around. I was like, guys, I'm going to a gay bar tonight. It was Coffee Shop, which is closing. And I was like, I'm going. Does anyone want to come with me? And everyone was like, not tonight, man. I got work tomorrow. And I was just like, fuck it.
And I went by myself. Best way to go. Yeah, I've gone by myself too.
But it was like I was nervous. And there were hotties and shit. And I was just trying to sit comfortably and not stare and stuff. And it was hard. But I had a good time.
I don't know. Have you ever been to Cubby Hole? Oh, yeah. Have I ever. That was the first one I went to. Really? What?
I used to live next door. And she went out of town and let me stay at her place. I was dating her brother at the time. But then I went by myself and went into Cubby Hole. I was very excited and nervous too.
I was like, this is a thing. Really? Oh, that's so cute. It's a lesbian bar with gay male energy. Right. Yeah. It was an aggressive vibe. Which is kind of if that's what you're into. Yeah.
Agro lesbians. I used to go out with my friends. When I first moved to LA, I only knew straight people. So I would go out with straight friends.
So they'd go to the straight bars. And then I'd be like, I'm going to pop over. There's a gay bar. I'm just going to pop over. So I'd go by myself.
But that bar in particular has a reputation of being really, really in your face. Like porn is playing on the TV. Even straight up nudity from the go-go dancers and sometimes sex acts just happening in the open.
So I went in there for the first time. And I was like, is this what the bars are like here? I accidentally went to a full-on sex party in Amsterdam when I first moved there. And I was like, OK, I'm going to go to a gay bar. Like, here I am. This is the culture. The most liberated city. And I went in.
And it was just dark rooms. And there was a full-on swing. It's like Neverland when I went to you. Yeah. Scary roads.
There was lube in what you would get hand sanitizer. And I tried to use it. And it was just lube on my hands.
And it scares me. I got to looking a little bit. I'm like, OK. I got invited to a sex party with all girls in Paris recently. And from my friends, here we go. It sounded crazy. I was leaving dinner and had too much wine. I was like, am I really going to go to this sex club? And my friend who was older, she's like, why not?
Was it at a private residence? No, it was at a bar.
And I was meeting up with friends for women. And so I met up with them.
And it wasn't as cool as you thought. It was weird blow-up things that you put in the pool.
What are those called? Floaties? Floaties. Yeah, huge floaties pinned to the ceiling as if that was the art. They're like, I don't know. Put a floatie up there.
So you're walking around in the condensation. And I was just wearing sandals and was really freaked out by it. I was like, I got open toes in here. And yeah, it wasn't really my vibe.
There was this one woman who was walking around with an already used weird dildo that you could tell the packaging was open. And she was in French being like, would you like to buy? Charche?
And I was like, I don't want it. I don't want it.
But then we went to a bar afterwards. I was just like, men, women, whatever. And there was these amazing drag queens performing and dancing. It was just such a mix of all different kinds of people. And everyone was fucking making out on the dance floor.
Yes. Women, men, everything. And I was just like, this is my kind of fucking vibe. I was like, you could literally make eye contact with anyone. And we were like, let's go. OK. We're making out now. And everyone was so attractive and feeling, you know what I mean? I was like, that's my kind of, you know.
There's a really funny, do you know Louis Theroux, the documentary? Yeah, I love that guy.
He does one about swingers parties in America. And he follows this couple who's throwing a swingers party in their house in the suburbs. And they go to Von's and buy the crudite platter for the party. He's with them the day of.
And I'm just like, there has to be so much more going on than just sex advertised for me. I just have never been the type that's like, and I need to come. I'm just like, have so much other stuff going on. I just can't imagine.
It's a pretty thin line for me. Even with the voyeurism, there's just such a thin line to where I cross over.
And I'm like, this isn't even, it's not enjoyable. And I can't. And I go to that point where I'm like, I don't imagine that anyone participating is enjoying it. I can't get out of that.
And then I'm like, why am I here? I'm judging it. I'm judging myself.
Berghain was kind of like that for me in Berlin. I was just like, I went alone. That's a rough one to go alone to.
Yeah. Stayed for three weeks. I'm still there in a way. I became a citizen.
It's pretty crazy. I think part of like, I guess everyone's different. But part of the excitement of any kind of like, ooh, are we, aren't we, is there like a chase? Like, are people flirting before they make a move? Like, that's what's exciting. So when you go to a place and it's just like, yeah, it's like a sex thing. And that's just what's happening as soon as you walk in the door. And anything is fair game. And then you're just like, ugh. This is weird. I agree. When you're a hero, that's like every bar. You know what I mean? Two to three, not the lead up part. It's just being like, yeah, we're at a bar to like cruise each other. And I find that so unattractive. But then there has to be like, oh, it's a gay setting. And then it has this like different kind of like amped up thing. And you're like, can't it just also be a bar? It's also the same kind of thing.
You don't want to like hear a story and talk to you for a little bit.
Yeah. There was a party in New York. Oh, go ahead. No, please.
Oh, there was a party in New York that I used to go to. It was just like, I think the thing that undid it every kind of like, I love going to gay bars for me. Like it was just because like it was this place called The Woods. It's a bar in Williamsburg. But on Wednesday, it's like Lesbian Night, which like for some reason Wednesday is like universal Lesbian Night everywhere.
It's Doggo Tuesday. Like we don't have jobs.
Fisting Friday.
And yeah, it was just like the way that people even like, they all got dressed up for, you know, Lesbian Night. Everyone was like in their black motorcycle jackets and like sleeveless shirts.
There it is. It's a good night though. There are some cute people who have come out.
Like beanies in the summer and just like sitting on tables like, you know, kind of shit. And I was just like, this sucks.
Like I actually just came here to hang out with my gay friends. Yes. And now I have to feel like I'm cruising or feel like someone is like a, you know, like it's not a conversation. Yeah. Me and my friend went there and ended up leaving together, like hooking up together that night but being at that, in that vibe. Because we were just like friends, just like hanging out. Nightmare. Yeah.
And then exciting at work. There was just that electricity in the air.
It's either you or one of these hoes. So, let's go. Okay, cool. Let's move into the questions that we have from our viewers. These are always so fun. Let's see. Let's kick it right off.
This one doesn't have a name attached to it so we don't know much about them.
But the question is, have you ever postponed a coming out process because someone you knew had come out and you didn't want people to think you were copying them? Sounds weird, but over time I've explained this experience to friends and found with many of them that they've done the same thing. I'm wondering about the root of this fear of copying a coming out experience or if it's maybe not as common as I think.
Shit. Yeah. I feel like there's no timing for that. You just gotta do it. Definitely not copying anybody when you're trying to be your authentic self. Yes. It's even better to be like, yeah, me too. Yeah.
I never postponed my coming out for that reason but I remember a very good friend of mine coming out to me and that terrified me because then it made me feel like, oh God, does that mean that now I have to come out or that he knows that I'm gay? Why are you telling me this? Because I was like, I suspected it about you. I'm sure you suspected it about me but I thought we were just gonna never say anything. Yeah. So I was trembling and then of course he was like, why are you shaking? I'm telling you something important and I was like, truly, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm reacting this way. I just need to...
You didn't tell him? You weren't like, I'm... I didn't tell him until... No, I couldn't because I wasn't ready.
Yeah, totally. Then years later I was like, when I did come out to him, I was like, when you came out to me, that's why I was being so weird. I was just like not ready and it just like freaked me out. Yeah. A spotlight was put on you. My brother was on this podcast a couple episodes ago and we talked about this because I came out to my mom because she called me and was like, I think Brad is gay. And I said, I think I am too. And I just like hopped on it. She's like, holy shit. And I told that story and Brad was like, I didn't know that because he thought I beat him to the coming out because we went on a road trip and I was like, are you gay? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, well, I am too. And he's like, so you called the shots and made me come out to you.
But it's so funny. There is a little bit of rivalry, I guess, in coming out and getting to be the first one to come out. But I also think you just make friends with secretly gay people when you're in the closet. I just feel like you're attracted. So of course there might be a time where it's like, wow, all my friends came out. What does it mean? You knew what you were looking for in a friend, it feels like. You found each other for a reason. Yeah.
I realize my commonality with a lot of my friends is people that were religious. And so they're really controlled people that really held it together for a long time. So they were like, I want to fuck all those people.
And that's it. I'm on winter retreat in a dog pile of people I would do anything to kiss. That's great imagery. The visual. Oh, okay.
Next Q. As a queer woman, one of my biggest insecurities about coming out was being seen as predatory.
Hey.
Fear of being excluded from sleepovers or that I appear to be preying on young straight girls. I'm an adult now and I've been out for a while, but it's hard to shake that insecurity. I feel like I'm always trying to come off as non-threatening as possible. Is this something that you've dealt with and how do you unlearn this negative thinking?
For when we had the answers. I know.
Do you still feel predatory? I wouldn't say predatory. For me sometimes I find myself holding back more when I'd like to just hit on somebody more.
You know what I mean? In a way that I'm like, this is how I'd want. And instead I just play it like, we're buddies, aren't we? Yeah. We're just cute pals and then I might tell you I have a crush on you. You know what I mean? Totally. It just comes out in such a different way. Yeah. Because I'm basing it off of gender norms of a man approaching a woman. Yeah. And I'm like, I know how to do it so much better. Anyways, not even comparing to how a guy does it, but sometimes I don't get as confident in just going up to someone like, hey, you're cute as hell. Yes. Or just like how I'd want to.
I feel like it's like what the patriarchy has kind of come before. Yeah, you're like, I don't want to do the reverse onto them or something. It's like, we're all aware of how shitty it feels to have someone hounding you all night at a bar. And I'm like, I know that I can be the opposite of that. So I'm kind of like, hey, I'm just here to be your best friend.
God, you have a lot of energy, don't you? God, we have so much in common.
Want to go watch a movie? It's 11 p.m. And then we just sit there. The first time I went to a girl's house, I just laid down a pencil dive with my belt on and fell asleep while watching the movie because I was paralyzed by fear.
Yeah. But then she said, like the next day you felt like, wow, nailed it. Yeah.
I felt a lot of pushman. I was like, I slipped over in a woman's house.
She's a soccer coach. I'm fucking nailing it in the big city.
We hooked up. I think I do that thing in reverse where when I'm talking to a woman, I will sometimes go out of my way to mention my boyfriend or that I'm gay. That's really interesting. So that she knows, oh, he's gay. Okay, cool. There's no, because I don't know, I'm so aware of like, ugh, guys can be so creepy towards women. I don't want her to think there's anything like that here. Yes. That's really interesting. I feel like maybe it is us distancing ourself from a toxically masculine. Yeah, but I'm still trying to make our own. Yeah. You know, a version of it because God, I've talked about it in therapy.
But the reversal of stuff, like how men don't, you know, bad men, don't set boundaries when you're setting out cues. They're just like, I know you said no, but I'm gonna keep going.
Yeah, oh, is this the game? Is this what you are? Yeah, you're just scared. And then you were trained like, I guess that's kind of, is this hot? No, this is, no, like what the fuck is a no?
And then so the other way around is like not like a girl would say, would say no, I'm just kidding. But I mean like, but meaning, I didn't mean it like that. No, I know. Like that it wouldn't ever get to that scenario. Like I would just go off of like, Yes. But I do hold my instincts back.
Yeah. And that bums me out because I'm like, I don't want to be like them. Yeah. And it's like, we're not going to be. Totally. Our hearts in a different place.
I actually just, whenever I think someone's cute, I have a hard time flirting with them. So if I'm really chill with someone, I think they think I'm hitting on them and I couldn't give a shit less.
Yeah. It's the reversal. And then when I'm like, hey, what's up? Yeah, yeah. It's when I like actually. When you're like a full like, hair robot. What's up? I just got to layer your bums. Like air-keyed right now.
I think some of this too comes from, maybe you can speak to this too, the religious background, which does a lot of like homosexuality, pedophilia, predatory, like one big stew. Yeah, sexist. Yeah. No matter what. I feel like when I came out to a youth pastor of mine, I was at a church camp and this woman I was like talking to beforehand, she was so nice, she was this mom and she was like, don't tell him until the end of the camp because he'll make you move out of your cabin. Fuck. Because I was like a counselor and so it was me with like teens that I was like helping lead through the week and she was like, that would be really hard for everyone, like just wait till the end. What's this so insane too is that the people who are more, are like part of the patriarchy more like those men should be removed from fucking jail and they're like, well, he's straight so he'll save her with them then maybe a gay man would be around. Exactly. But I was like, no, I don't trust this motherfucker. Get with the puka shells. Yeah.
Leave him with the kids but wait, you're queer? He hasn't doubted his sexual drives for years. This guy takes whatever he wants.
Like danger, danger. Yeah, danger.
I think the problem is that people just assume that because you're a different sex, you know, you have a different sexuality that your entire being revolves around like you wanting to have sex.
Yes. And that's like insane to me. Yes. You know, like if you hear someone like Robert Mugabe talk about like why he hates gay people and he like goes into so much detail about what gay men are doing to each other and he's like, brah, you're the only person that was thinking about this shit. Yup. He's like fully like, and then he bends him over and inserts his hard penis in and out and then there's like, like this is erotica. This is like thinking about lunch. Yeah, I want this.
Yeah, it is crazy like straight sex talking about like perversion in there. There's so much perverted straight sex and it's fine but it's like immediately like gay stuff you're like, ooh, like. I think it's more perverted or like fuck someone you don't want to fuck.
Like I think it's, which most women have been doing for years. Yeah. Whenever there's like, recently there were headlines that like a Disney character, it was like the first gay teen couple to ever appear in a Disney Channel show. Oh yeah. And I saw someone from my high school post like this is wrong, why is Disney pushing any kind of sexual, you know, I'm not a homophobe but why is Disney putting any sort of sex in their shows? And it's like. Every show is about, yeah. Boys date girls in every single show and movie. Yes, absolutely. But in their minds that's not sexual. Yeah. But when it's two men or two women or what have you, it's like. It's just sexual, yeah. Why are you pushing forward your kink onto our kids? Totally. Yes, it's so treated as a kink. Yes, that is like the perfect word for it. It's just a social relationship like you have. It's like, oh I'm sorry, were the two kids like hardcore fucking on this Disney Channel show or were they like holding hands? What are you talking about? It's like sexuality. I think it's just like one, I think one just told the other one that he had a crush on it. It was like so innocuous. And just to take it to another level like both of those actors are probably straight. Yeah, right.
Honestly, let's talk about crazy women.
One is by, he came out on Twitter and he's become very vocal. Oh that's good, very cute. There he goes.
I will say, yeah let's talk about that bitch. As a queer person who plays queer, do you feel, would you play, do you go out more for queer roles or straight roles? Yeah, I mean, pretty much. I actually am at the point where I just wish that like the first two words in a descriptor weren't Latin queer. You know, like I just, like okay, what else, like do they have a job? Do they have interests? They're like, yeah she's Latin and queer.
It's a full time job. Full time job. Well, it's just under 40 hours so you don't get a show.
Did I mention she'll wear a motorcycle jacket?
I don't necessarily hate when straight people play gay people entirely, but I'm just like now that there's such a well of talent everywhere like you just weren't trying sometimes. And then you hear about those actors that are just like, there was this Broadway show and there was this actor who was on there playing a lesbian and she made it really clear that she didn't want her castmate.
It was only a peck and that was it for her. She couldn't, anything else was not okay.
And then after the show people were like, oh my god, I've never seen someone gay on stage before.
It means so much. And crying to her and she'd be like, oh my god, thank you. And it's like, fuck you, no. That kind of shit really sucks.
Yes. Yeah.
What was the first media with queer people in it that you guys watched or finally saw yourself in? Maybe not even necessarily queer. I thought Serena Alchol was gay so I loved MTV News.
Oh, no way. But then she's not gay. No, she's not. No. No, she's not.
Walter Mercado, the psychic, anyone? He's come up on the show before, yeah. He's come up on the show before. And you thought?
I mean, he's the gay. He is truly trans or something.
Very flamboyant. No way. It's very flamboyant. I never saw this growing up. Leader flamboyant.
It was on the Latin, it would come on after the news. It's a psychic that comes on. Oh my god, funny. It was part of the news. It was a psychic.
I don't know why.
He would do this thing too. He'd be like, Sagittarius to one camera and then be like, feces to another one. It was just so tight. Feces. He had an estate sale of all his shit because he moved from Miami to New York.
Oh. Did he pass away? No, no. He's alive. He just moved. He's here, actually, now. Let's bring him in. He came in all the way.
I save it for the very end, baby. What was some of the media, you guys? I wish I knew. Honestly, yeah, there wasn't a lot. No. It was much more on just personal stuff, not media things. Almost like once I met someone who was the first lesbian I met being like, oh, she seems really cool. Yeah. Oh, I want to make out with her really badly. But yeah, honestly, there wasn't a lot.
I mean, I love Xena, the warrior princess. Oh, god. I was obsessed with Xena. And I was just like, she's so bad ass.
I want to be here. I want to touch her. I want to be there for her. I want to be there for her, for sure.
Yeah, you would be the one protecting Xena. Yeah, I just wanted to be the one. She's like, finally, I can relax a little bit. I'm like, I got you.
I don't remember. Maybe there is something that I'm just blanking on. I don't remember there being any gay representation that I identified with.
But I would often find myself identifying with women characters and things. Or in video games, I would pick the girl. Same, only me with the male. I was just like, oh, yeah, I get him. Or if it was like, design your own character. And I'd make somebody really cute. And I'd be like, I'm going to name her Janine.
And it's like, we're trying to race. Like, why are you spending so much time? Like, look at the shade of red.
Perfect. I would go out of my way to pick the female character in the pink car. Really? To overcomposite? Yeah. Sumina, man. Really? That was my character, yep.
Sumina. Sumina? We had someone mention the play that you were in, the musical.
Fun Home.
The Ring of Keys or something like that. That was their big moment. Yeah, that was a cool thing, too. That's a song in the show. And it's kind of, not that I ever forgot it, but I hadn't really thought of it.
And then I remembered in rehearsal one day, one of the first times I saw a gay person in real life, I was in this grocery store in Houston. And I had just moved to the States. And I was with my mom. And I looked up, and this woman walked in.
And it was like a butch-ass lesbian with cargo pants. And the actual Ring of Keys, and with the dolly to push whatever. And a polo shirt, and just this haircut.
And I was just like, oh my god. She's so strong. I just was freaking out. And then my mom noticed. And she was like, don't look at her.
No. That comment that stays with you for the next 10 years.
She said, that person belongs in a carnival. And I was just like, no. Oh, OK. And then I was like, whenever I would see gay people, I'd be like, they belong in a carnival. Carnivals are tight, but they do belong in a carnival.
God damn. Like in a freak show. You're in your own carnival, aren't you? Like in a circus. Freak show. Like a bearded.
To like somebody that you watched. Yeah, but because they want attention. Basically she was just saying they're freaks and they want attention.
Yeah. I was like, oh. God damn.
The first time I saw lesbians, I was at Disneyland. And on like a Girl Scout trip. And the two women in front of me started making out. And I was like, oh my god, those two moms are kissing.
I didn't even know that that was an option. I was just like, whoa.
They each have their own full family. They met up and they're here kissing. And then I got put on the ride with them. I recently remembered this. It was like the fucking log ride. Where we're all straddling. Were you in the photo with them?
I wish. I wish I had it. They were like holding each other. And I was just like really thinking.
Maybe Disney archives all the photos. You should call them. I would do anything to get that photo.
You're just in the back like. All right, let's do one last little question. And then. Pick your fave. I'm just holding this. Let me pick my fave. Put this down.
Cracacaca. You're even holding onto that skull. It's comforting. You've been really holding it like a little. It comes from the theater.
I do love my mom. I just want to start. Actually, you know what? I was just talking about this.
It's like I have so many things locked and loaded that I'm like this is what I'm going to change for my kids. Like that stops with my generation. Like it's different now. But it's like my mom definitely had that too.
And probably executed all of it. They each are doing their best. Yeah, exactly. Like I'm sure she had her laundry list. And you know some of this stuff wasn't on it. But who knows what stopped with her.
I'm sure like a bunch of shit. A bunch of shit.
It's good to heal a little bit with that kind of stuff. Exactly. To be like they're doing their best. They've come a long way. And I'll keep it going. Each generation makes a little improvement. And it's like thank you. And now I'll do my thing. We'll be naive in ways that we don't get known. I'm positive.
Can't wait for my kids to have a podcast. No, I'll be cool. I'm avoiding all that. Just not having kids.
Oh, great. Perfect. My kids will make a podcast about you. Great. All right, final question.
I have always struggled to identify myself and my sexuality. Personally, I'm comfortable not having the perfect label and enjoy giving myself space to have a more complicated experience than lesbian or bisexual or even queer denotes. However, when it comes to coming out to other people, I feel uncomfortable not having a nice, concise word that they can apply to me. I hate having to choose between applying a label that doesn't really fit or having to give a detailed explanation of my romantic and sexual preferences. Does anyone struggle with this issue and or do y'all have any suggestions for how to make these conversations a bit easier This is from Catherine.
Are they them? Yeah. This is tricky. It is kind of funny when it's not in a necessarily a safe surrounding or a place where you're there to talk about it. That it's like, so what are you? You know? And you're like, in what context? Yeah. What do you want to know? You know?
Who do you have sex with? What kind of genitalia do you have? How do you like to dress? What's your identity?
You know? And you're just like, that's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot sometimes. Yeah, I don't know.
The waiters are always doing that to me. Before I say the specials.
What are you? Hey, ladies. I feel like I know a lot of people who just say queer. Oh, my God. Hey, ladies. Don't call me sweetheart the other day. Hey, ladies.
God, whatever. It was like some like valet card. He's like, here you go, sweetheart. And I was like, thank you.
I'm not a sweetheart. Huge bitch. Yeah. I'm actually a huge bitch. Yeah. I feel like I do just use queer because I'm tired. But there's probably something more in there. I think the question even said like queer itself doesn't even feel right to them. Yeah.
That's tricky. That is tricky. Maybe there's like a fun way to like say something like don't worry about it. Or like almost like it's complicated.
We don't have to. I don't answer personal questions.
I guess, yeah. And lots of things. I don't know. It is crazy to think that you could just boil yourself down to one word. So I guess that's the whole point. It is very reductive to be like I'm bi and that's everything about me. Because you wouldn't be able to do that with anything else. It's like maybe over the series of a bunch of conversations you'll get to know who I am.
Yeah. Like why don't we just keep hanging out and eventually you won't even be asking yourself those questions about me. Yeah. Totally. Huh. Yeah.
I mean, that's tough. But we're also in this tricky, I think, age where people are overly defining themselves and then insisting that they can't be defined. So it's tricky to kind of find a balance between like does it fucking matter and like I do want to be specific.
Yes. Yeah, I've been doing this thing recently where I go to, it sounds crazy, but I go to hospitals. I talk to the doctor. I didn't choose to do this. They asked me to do it. But I talk to the doctors about being non-binary and they bring in like the different parts of the hospital to ask questions and like actually meet a non-binary person and everybody in there is so afraid of misgendering someone now because they're like it's such a big deal and it feels like the pressure is so high to get it right.
Yeah. But it's also like pretty easy to do. There are like three pronouns to choose from as of now. Like put it in the person's file. No, there are more. Yeah, I mean it's true. Yeah, yeah. Or you mean like in terms of like the medical staff. Yeah, yeah. Just kind of like as a non-binary option. Yeah, yeah. People go by other pronouns for sure.
And someone was talking about a producer who will write the pronouns that they're feeling that day on a whiteboard every day of a production. I worked on a set that had it all on the call sheet, which I was like, oh, that's pretty great. Like it was really simple. That's so cool. Next to all the cast and then on set people had name tags too that had one circled and stuff.
Yeah, I feel like we won't need, we're just in such a learning wave right now that it's like we've built all these tools and I don't look down on them. I'm not like, that's like fucking too much. It's like we only need these for a little while until it becomes like second nature.
But it is nice too if you're like meeting somebody new that that isn't necessarily like for them, like people not, that not being the first thing you have to answer. Yeah, it's like you're just a person and I'm here to get to know. Like we're just hanging out. Yeah, totally. As we get more personal we might talk about it. Yeah, like with a question like this where it's like I feel like I have to define myself. It's like just say something, say a book that you're liking right now. Like talk about something else that isn't such a reductive like label.
Wow, we've really reached the end of our episode. Can you guys believe it? Wow. Can you believe it?
Go for it. Do you guys have anything that you'd like to plug? Works that you've done that?
Sometimes we give out book recommendations so none of this has to be like super current or places that you can be found should people wish to find you and you wish to be found. I don't wish to be found.
I think people should watch Vida. Yeah. Vida, yes. Vida's a really, really fucking queer show with a bunch of brown people which is something that isn't normal on TV. Yeah, totally. Yet.
It's in its third season? We're about to start the third season.
Yeah, yeah, cool. So two full seasons are out there on stars. On stars. Nailed it.
Estrellas. Si. Muy bueno.
I like the idea of book recommendations but now I'm like, God, what the hell am I reading? Let's just all watch me think about proving the fact that I read books.
Which book? White Fang. I will say I read a book that is so good but fucking heartbreaking and it's about that, I'm gonna fuck up his name, it's so Russian, David Wojnarowicz. Anyone? The artist? There's a book about him called Fire in the Belly.
He was a big artist around when AIDS broke out in New York City. Really interesting artist. And a lot of his stuff was just block texts of gorgeous, politically charged poetry about the government forsaking people with HIV during that time.
So it's a really powerful book. I would read it. It's so big. So you'll look really cool. Really smart. I remember my book. What is it?
Iris Murdoch. She's like a British lady. I think it's funny too when writers from the past, women especially, they're like, and she slept with women. Isn't that crazy? She slept with men and she slept with women. She was a ground breaker. She was wild.
But she's a really great writer. I like to read diaries of people. That's my favorite format. Susan Sontag. I like to see how they would write daily. So there's diaries of hers that are really fascinating too. Susan Sontag.
January 12th. I think this. January 13th.
That was wrong.
I think something else now. And I'm not gay. I am gay. We're not going to talk about it. January 14th. Okay, I had a question on the way here.
I was thinking about how I read The Price of Salt, which is the book that became Carol the movie. In the movie was she still, because in the book she works at a theater. Did she do that in the movie?
She worked at Sears or something like that. She worked at Sears when she met her and she left the glove or whatever, but there was a time after I guess she broke up. She was a ticket taker or something? No, she built stuff. She was a set designer. Or a costumer or something.
She's like, I got it. I got it. She's so fragile.
But I was like, that's such a gay ass thing to do. Yes. When you're in junior high and you're building sets or working the light grid, you're probably gay. Yeah, wake up.
Even if you're performing on stage. Everyone in that department are your allies. Go there today. Run for the theater.
I never read The Price of Salt.
Would you recommend? Yeah, it's like a lot of, aren't they going to fuck?
AKA the first two thirds of my life. I've only been fucking for a third of my life.
Wake up people. Oh my god, same. My mom does listen to those podcasts.
Like the drink, though. We call her DJ Crystal. Sure, like that drink, though. Like that drink, though. Yeah, well, you know what?
Any last minute book recs get in under the wire? I have no book recs.
Not queer ones at the moment, but. Also read A Little Life, by the way.
You finished it? It's so good. Yeah. Somebody told you about it on this show, is that right? Yes, they did. Yeah. I've heard mixed things. Did you like it? I liked it a lot. Yeah.
It's very New York, I would say. Which could get a little bit hard to read, but it was good. Oh yeah, New York.
Ugh, god. Fuck, put that Apple box on New York already. Fuck New York. Get it out of here, Chicago.
Inside jokes. Is the cubby hole in it? Or what is it? Is that the part you said before? I don't think so.
Is Ruby Fruit in it? Ruby Fruit was in a lesbian bar of Days Gone By.
It's all dudes in this book. Okay, so no. Ish. Anyway, that's the last of our recommendations.
Thank you everybody for listening. I hope you have a great week, and please send us your questions. We take them on the Discord server, or you can send them through the Instagram.
Honey, you can email them. What's the email address? No, don't email them. There's no email. I'm getting a hard veto from our producer. Do not email me anything.
Thank you so much, and talk to you next time.
Bye.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance.
Is there like a chase? Like, are people flirting before they make a move?
Like, that's what's exciting. So when you go to a place and it's just like, yeah, it's like a sex thing, and that's just what's happening as soon as you walk in the door, and anything is fair game, and then you're just like, ugh. This is weird. Yes. When you're a hero, that's like every bar. You know what I mean? Two to three, not the lead up part. It's just being like, yeah, we're at a bar to like cruise each other, you know? And I find that so unattractive. But then there has to be like, oh, it's a gay setting. And then it has this like different kind of like amped up thing. And you're like, can't it just also be a bar? It's also the same kind of thing. I want to like hear a story and talk to you for a little bit.
Yeah. There was a party in New York. Oh, go ahead. No, please.
Oh, there was a party in New York that I used to go to that was just like, I think the thing that undid every kind of like, I love going to gay bars for me. Like, it was just because like it was this place called The Woods. It's a bar in Williamsburg. But on Wednesday, it's like lesbian night, which like for some reason Wednesday is like universal lesbian night everywhere.
It's Doggo Tuesday. Like we don't have jobs. Yeah.
Fisting Friday.
And yeah, it was just like the way that people even like, they all got dressed up for, you know, lesbian night. Everyone was like in their black motorcycle jackets and like sleeveless shirts. It was a good night though. There were some cute people who would come out that night.
And like beanies in the summer and just like sitting on tables like, you know, kind of shit. And I was like, this sucks. Like I actually just came here to hang out with my gay friends and now I have to feel like I'm cruising or feel like someone is like, you know, like it's not a conversation. Yeah. Me and my friend went there and ended up leaving together, like hooking up together that night. Being at that, in that vibe. Because it was just like friends just like hanging out. Nightmare. There was just that electricity in the air.
It's either you or one of these hoes. So let's go. Okay, cool. Let's move into the questions that we have from our viewers. These are always so fun. Let's see. Let's kick it right off.
This one doesn't have a name attached to it, so we don't know much about them.
But the question is, have you ever postponed a coming out process because someone you knew had come out and you didn't want people to think you were copying them? Sounds weird, but over time I've explained this experience to friends and found with many of them that they've done the same thing. I'm wondering about the root of this fear of copying a coming out experience or if it's maybe not as common as I think.
Shit. Yeah. I feel like there's no timing for that. You just got to do it. Definitely not copying anybody when you're trying to be your authentic self. Yes. It's even better to be like, yeah, me too. Yeah. I never postponed my coming out for that reason, but I remember a very good friend of mine coming out to me and that terrified me because then it made me feel like, oh God, does that mean that now I have to come out or that he knows that I'm gay? Why are you telling me this? Yeah. Because I was like, I suspected it about you. I'm sure you suspected it about me, but I thought we were just going to never say anything. Yeah.
So I was trembling. And then, of course, he was like, why are you shaking? I'm telling you something important. And I was like, truly, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm reacting this way. I just need to...
You didn't tell him? You weren't like, I'm... I didn't tell him until... No, I couldn't because I wasn't ready.
Yeah? Totally.
Then years later, I was like, when I did come out to him, I was like, when you came out to me, that's why I was being so weird. I was just not ready and it just freaked me out.
Yeah. A spotlight was put on you. Yeah.
My brother was on this podcast a couple episodes ago and we talked about this because I came out to my mom because she called me and was like, I think Brad is gay. And I said, I think I am too. And I just hopped on. I was like, holy shit. I told that story and Brad was like, I didn't know that because he thought I beat him to the coming out because we went on a road trip and I was like, are you gay? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, well, I am too. And he's like, so you called the shots and made me come out to you.
But it's so funny. There is a little bit of rivalry, I guess, in coming out and getting to be the first one to come out. But I also think you just make friends with secretly gay people when you're in the closet. I just feel like you're attracted. For sure. So of course there might be a time where it's like, wow, all my friends came out. What does it mean? It's like, you knew what you were looking for in a friend, it feels like. You found each other for a reason. Yeah.
I realize my commonality with a lot of my friends is people that were religious. And so they're really controlled people that really held it together for a long time. So they were like, I want to fuck all those people. I'm on winter retreat in a dog pile of people I would do anything to kiss.
It's great to have a tree. Visual. OK.
Next Q. As a queer woman, one of my biggest insecurities about coming out was being seen as predatory.
Hey.
Fear of being excluded from sleepovers or that I appear to be preying on young straight girls. I'm an adult now, and I've been out for a while, but it's hard to shake that insecurity. I feel like I'm always trying to come off as non-threatening as possible. Is this something that you've dealt with, and how do you unlearn this negative thinking?
If only we had the answers. I know.
Do you still feel predatory? I wouldn't say predatory. For me, sometimes I find myself holding back more when I'd like to just hit on somebody more in a way that I'm like, this is how I'd want.
And instead, I just play it like, yeah, we're buddies, aren't we? Yeah. We're just cute pals. And then I might tell you I have a crush on you. You know what I mean? Totally.
It just comes out in such a different way because I'm basing it off of gender norms of a man approaching a woman. And I'm like, I know how to do it so much better. Anyways, not even comparing to how a guy does it, but sometimes I don't get as confident in just going up to someone like, hey, you're cute as hell. I just like how I'd want to. I feel like it's what the patriarchy has kind of come before. Yeah, you're like, I don't want to do the reverse onto them or something. Exactly. It's like we're all aware of how shitty it feels to have someone hounding you all night at a bar. And I'm like, I know that I can be the opposite of that. I'm kind of like, hey, I'm just here to be your best friend.
God, you have a lot of energy. We have so much in common.
Want to go watch a movie? It's 11 PM. And then we just sit there. The first time I went to a girl's house, I just laid down like a pencil dive with my belt on and fell asleep while watching the movie because I was paralyzed by fear.
Yeah. Didn't you say like the next day you felt like, wow, nailed it. Yeah.
We hooked up. I slipped over in a woman's house. She's a soccer coach. I'm fucking nailing it in the big city. We hooked up.
I think I do that thing in reverse where like when I'm talking to a woman, I will sometimes go out of my way to mention my boyfriend or that I'm gay. That's really interesting. So that she knows, oh, he's gay.
OK, cool. There's no, because I don't know.
I'm so aware of like, ugh, guys can be so creepy towards women. Like I don't want her to think there's anything like that here.
Yes. Or like. That's really interesting. I feel like maybe it is us distancing ourself from like a toxically masculine. Yeah. I'm still trying to make our own. Yeah. You know, a version of it because like, God, I've talked about it in therapy. But like the reversal of stuff like how men don't, you know, bad men don't set boundaries when you're setting out cues, they're just like, I know you said no, but I'm going to keep going. Yeah.
Oh, is this the game? Is this what you are? You're just scared. I guess I was kind of, is this hot?
No, this is. No. Like what the fuck is a no?
And then so the other way around is like not like a girl would say, no, I'm just gay. But I mean like, but meaning. I didn't mean it like that. No, I know. Like that it wouldn't ever get to that scenario. Like I would just go off of like vibes. But I do hold my instincts back. Yeah. That bums me out because I'm like, I don't want to be like them. Yeah. And it's like, we're not going to be. Totally. Our hearts in a different place.
I actually just, uh, whenever I think someone's cute, I have a hard time flirting with them. So if I'm really chill with someone, I think they think I'm hitting on them and I'm, couldn't give a shit less.
Yeah. And then when I'm like, Hey, what's up? Yeah. It's when I like actually. When you're like a full like robot. I just got to get your bums like air keyed. I think some of this too comes from, maybe you can speak to this too, the religious background, which does a lot of like homosexuality, pedophilia, predatory, like one big stew. Yeah.
I feel like when I came out to a youth pastor of mine, I was at a church camp and this woman I was like talking to beforehand, she was so nice. She was this mom and she was like, don't tell him till the end of the camp cause he'll make you move out of your cabin. Cause I was, I was like a counselor and it shows me with like teens that I was like helping lead through the week.
And she was like, that would be really hard for everyone. Like just wait till the end. What's it so insane too, is that the people who are more response are like part of the patriarchy more like those men should be removed from fucking healing.
They're like, well he's straight, so he'll say for with them then maybe a gay man would be around. But I was like, no, I don't trust this motherfucker. Chet with the puka shells, leave him with the kids. But wait, you're queer? He hasn't doubted his sexual drives for years. This guy takes whatever he wants.
Like danger, danger. Yeah. Danger.
I think the problem is that people just assume that because you're a different sex, you know, you have a different sexuality that your entire being revolves around like you wanting to have sex. Yes. And that's like insane to me. You know, like if you hear someone like Robert Mugabe talk about like why he hates gay people and he like goes into so much detail about what gay men are doing to each other. It's like, bro, you're the only person that was thinking about that. He's like fully like and then he bends him over and inserts his hard penis in and out. And then there's like this is erotica. This is like thinking about lunch. You want this. Yeah. It is crazy. Like straight sex talking about like perversion in there. It's like there's so much perverted straight sex. It's and it's fine. But it's like immediately like gay stuff. You're like, oh, like I think it's more perverted or like fuck someone you don't want to fuck. Like I think that's what most women have been doing for years.
Whenever there's like recently there were headlines that like a Disney character. It was like the first gay teen couple to ever appear in a Disney Channel show.
Oh, yeah. And I saw someone from my high school post like this is wrong.
Why is Disney pushing any kind of sexual this. You know, I'm not a homophobe. But why is Disney putting any sort of sex in their shows? And it's like every shows boys date girls in every single show and movie.
Absolutely. But in their minds, that's not sexual. Yeah. But when it's two men or two women or what have you. It's just sexual. Yeah. Why are you pushing forward your kink? Totally. Yes. It's so treated as a kink. Yes.
That is like the perfect word for it. It's just a social relationship like. It's like, oh, I'm sorry. We're the two kids like hardcore fucking on this Disney Channel show or are they like holding hands? Like what are you talking about? I think it's just like one. I think one just told the other one that he like had a crush on. It was like so innocuous. And just to take it to another, you know, level like both of those actors are probably straight.
Yeah, right. Honestly, let's talk about that. One is by he's he came out on Twitter and he he's become very vocal. That's good. Very cute. Yes. I will say, yeah, let's talk about that bitch.
As a queer person who plays queer. Mm hmm. Do you feel would you play? Do you do you go out more for queer roles or straight roles?
Yeah. I mean, pretty much. I actually am at the point where I just wish that like the first two words in a descriptor weren't Latin queer. You know, like I just like I just like, OK, what else? Like, do they have a job? Yeah. Do they have interests? You know, like, yeah, she's platinum. Yeah.
Full time. Well, it's just under 40 hours. Did I mention she'll wear a motorcycle jacket?
I don't I don't necessarily hate when straight people play gay people entirely. But I'm just like, now that there's such a well of of, you know, talent everywhere, like you just weren't trying sometimes, you know, and then you hear about those actors that are just like, you know, there was this Broadway show and there was this actor who was on air playing a lesbian and she made it really clear that she didn't want her castmate. Like it was only a peck and that was it for her. Like she couldn't. Wow. Something else was like not OK. You know, and then like after the show, people were like, oh, my God, I've never seen someone gay on stage before.
It means so much. And like crying to her and she'd be like, oh, my God, thank you. And it's like, take it.
Fuck you. No. Like that kind of shit really sucks. Yes. You know. Yeah.
What was like the first like media with queer people in it that you guys watched or liked or like finally saw yourself in? Maybe not even necessary. I mean, I thought Serena Alchol was gay. So I like loved MTV News.
Oh, no way. And she's like not gay. She's not. No. No, she's not.
Walter Mercado.
The psychic. Anyone? He's come up on the show before. Yeah. He's come up on the show before. Yeah. And you thought.
I mean, he's the gay. He is truly like the trans or something like that.
Just no way.
It's like very flamboyant. I never saw this growing up. Like leader flamboyant. It was like on the Latin.
It would come on after the news. It's a psychic that comes on. Oh, my God. Funny. It's like part of the news. He would like do this thing too.
He'd be like Sagittarius to one camera and then be like feces to another one. It was just so tight. Feces.
He had an estate sale of all his shit because he moved from Miami to New York. Oh. Did he pass away? No, no. He's alive. He just moved. He's here, actually, now. Let's bring him in. He came in all the way from Mexico.
I save it for the very end, baby. What was some of the media? You guys? I wish I knew. Honestly, yeah. There wasn't a lot. No. It was much more on just personal stuff, not media things.
Almost like once I met someone who was the first lesbian I met being like, oh, she seems really cool. Oh, I want to make out with her really badly.
But yeah, honestly, there wasn't a lot.
I mean, I love Xena, the warrior princess. I was obsessed with Xena. And I was just like, she's so bad ass.
I want to be here. I want to touch her. I want to be there for her. I want to be there for her, for sure. I want to dress her.
Yeah, you would be the one protecting Xena. I just wanted to be the one. She's like, finally, I can relax a little bit. I'm like, I got you.
I don't remember. Maybe there is something that I'm just blanking on. I don't remember there being any gay representation that I identified with.
But I would often find myself identifying with women characters and things. Or in video games, I would pick the girl. Same, only me with the male. I was just like, oh, yeah, I get him. Or if it was like, design your own character and I'd make somebody really cute. And I'd be like, I'm going to name her Janine.
We're trying to race. Why are you spending so much time? You're like, wait. Not in the shade of red.
Perfect. I would go out of my way to pick the female character in the pink car. Really? Yeah. To overcomposite? Yeah. Sumina, man. Really? That was my character, yep.
Sumina. Sumina? We had someone mention the play that you were in, the musical.
Fun Home.
As the ring of keys or something like that. That was their big moment. Yeah, that was a cool thing, too. That's a song in the show. And it's kind of, not that I ever forgot it, but I hadn't really thought of it.
And then I remembered in rehearsal one day, one of the first times I saw a gay person in real life, I was in this grocery store in Houston and I'd just moved to the States. And I was with my mom. And I looked up and this woman walked in. And it was like a butch-ass lesbian with cargo pants and the actual ring of keys and with the dolly to push whatever, you know? And a polo shirt and just this haircut. And I was just like, oh my god, she's so strong. I just was freaking out. And then my mom noticed and she was like, don't look at her.
No. That comment that stays with you for the next 10 years.
She said, that person belongs in a carnival. And I was just like, no. OK. And then I was like, whenever I would see gay people, I'd be like, they belong in a carnival. Carnivals are tight, but they do belong in a carnival.
God damn. Like in a freak show? You're in your own carnival, aren't you? Like in a circus. Freak show. Like a bearded.
To like somebody that you watched. Yeah, but because they want attention. Basically she was just saying they're freaks and they want attention.
Yeah. I was like, oh. God damn.
The first time I saw lesbians, I was at Disneyland. And on like a Girl Scout trip, and the two women in front of me started making out. And I was like, oh my god, those two moms are kissing.
I didn't even know that that was an option.
I was just like, whoa. They each have their own full family. And they met up and they're here kissing. And then I got put on the ride with them. I recently remembered this. It was like the fucking log ride. Where we're all straddling. Were you in the photo with them? I went. They were like holding each other. And I was just like really thinking.
Maybe Disney archives all the photos. I would do anything to get that photo.
You're just in the back like. All right, let's do one last little question. And then. I'm just holding this. Let me pick my favorite. Let's put this down. Cracacaca.
You're even holding onto that skull. It's comforting. You've been really holding it like a little. It's comforting.
She comes from the theater. I do love my mom.
I just want to say. Actually, you know what? I was just talking about this.
It's like I have so many things locked and loaded that I'm like this is what I'm going to change for my kids. Like that stops with my generation. Like it's different now. But it's like my mom definitely had that too.
We're going to mess up. Probably executed all of it. They each are doing their best. Yeah, exactly.
Like I'm sure she had her laundry list. And you know some of this stuff wasn't on it. But who knows what stopped with her.
I'm sure like a bunch of shit. A bunch of shit.
We're going to be a little bit with that kind of stuff. Exactly. To be like they're doing their best. They've come a long way. And I'll keep it going. Each generation makes a little improvement. And it's like thank you. And now I'll do my thing. We'll be naive in ways that we don't get to know. I'm positive. Yeah.
Can't wait for my kids to have a podcast. No, I'll be cool. I'm avoiding all that. Just not having kids.
Oh, great. Yeah, perfect. My kids will make a podcast about you. Great. All right, final question.
I have always struggled to identify myself and my sexuality. Personally, I'm comfortable not having the perfect label and enjoy giving myself space to have a more complicated experience than lesbian or bisexual or even queer denotes. However, when it comes to coming out to other people, I feel uncomfortable not having a nice, concise word that they can apply to me. I hate having to choose between applying a label that doesn't really fit or having to give a detailed explanation of my romantic and sexual preferences. Does anyone struggle with this issue?
And or do you all have any suggestions for how to make these conversations a bit easier This is from Catherine. Are they them? Yeah. This is tricky. It is kind of funny when it's not in a necessarily a safe surrounding or a place where you're there to talk about it, that it's like, so what are you? You know, and you're like, in what context? Yeah. What do you want to know, you know?
Who do you have sex with? What kind of genitalia do you have? How do you like to dress? What's your identity?
You know, and you're just like, that's a lot. Yeah. It's a really personal question. I order a drink first. Yeah. Like, it's a lot sometimes. Yeah. I don't know. Waiters are always doing that to me. Yeah. So like, before I say the specials, what are you?
Hey, ladies. I feel like I know a lot of people who just say queer. Oh, my god. Hey, ladies. Don't call me sweetheart the other day. Hey, ladies.
I got whatever was like some like valet card. He's like, here you go, sweetheart. And I was like, thank you.
I'm not a sweetheart. Bye. I'm actually a huge bitch. Yeah. I'm actually a huge bitch. Yeah.
I feel like I do just use queer because I'm tired. But there's probably something more in there. I think the question even said like queer itself doesn't even feel right to them.
Yeah. That's tricky. That is tricky. Maybe there's like a fun way to like say something like, don't worry about it. Or like. Right, right. Almost like, it's complicated.
We don't have to. I don't answer personal questions.
I guess, yeah. And lots of things. I don't know. It is crazy to think that you could just boil yourself down to one word. So I guess that's the whole point. It is very reductive to be like, I'm bi, and that's everything about me. Because you wouldn't be able to do that with anything else.
It's like, maybe over the series of a bunch of conversations, you'll get to know who I am. Yeah, like why don't we just keep hanging out, and then eventually you won't even be asking yourself those questions about me.
Yeah, totally. Huh. Yeah, I mean, that's tough. But we're also in this tricky, I think, age where people are overly defining themselves, and then insisting that they can't be defined. So it's tricky to kind of find a balance between like, does it fucking matter? And like, I do want to be specific. Yes.
Yeah, I've been doing this thing recently where I go to, it sounds crazy, but I go to hospitals. I talk to the doctor. I didn't choose to do this. They asked me to do it. But I talk to the doctors about being non-binary, and they bring in like the different parts of the hospital to ask questions and actually meet a non-binary person.
And everybody in there is so afraid of misgendering someone now, because they're like, it's such a big deal. And it feels like the pressure is so high to get it right.
But it's also pretty easy to do. There are like three pronouns to choose from as of now. Like, put it in the person's file. No, there are more.
Yeah, I mean, it's true. Yeah, yeah. Or you mean like in terms of the medical staff. Yeah, yeah.
I'm just kind of like as a non-binary option. Yeah, yeah, people go by other pronouns, for sure. And someone was talking about a producer who will write the pronouns that they're feeling that day on a whiteboard every day of a production.
I worked on a set that had it all on the call sheet, which I was like, oh, that's pretty great. It was pretty simple. That's so cool.
Next to all the cast. And then on set, people had name tags, too, that had one circled and stuff.
Yeah, I feel like we won't need, we're just in such a learning wave right now that it's like we've built all these tools, and I don't look down on them. I'm not like, that's like fucking too much. It's like we only need these for a little while until it becomes like second nature.
But it is nice, too, if you're like meeting somebody new that that isn't necessarily like for them, like people not, that not being the first thing you have to answer. Yeah, like you're just a person I'm here to get to know. Like we're just hanging out. Yeah, totally. As we get more personal, we might talk about it. Yeah, like with a question like this, where it's like I feel like I have to define myself, it's like just say something, say a book that you're liking right now. Like talk about something else that isn't such a reductive label.
Wow, we've really reached the end of our episode. Can you guys believe it? Can you believe it?
Do you guys have anything that you'd like to plug? Works that you've done that, sometimes we give out book recommendations, so none of this has to be like super current, or places that you can be found should people wish to find you and you wish to be found. I don't wish to be found.
I think people should watch Vida. Yeah. Vida, yes. Vida's a really, really fucking queer show with a bunch of brown people, which is something that isn't normal on TV. Yeah, totally. Yet.
It's in its third season? We're about to start the third season.
Yeah, yeah, cool. So two seasons, two full seasons are out there on stars. On stars. Nailed it.
Estrellas. Si. Muy bueno.
I like the idea of book recommendations, but now I'm like, God, what the hell am I reading? Let's just all watch me think about proving the fact that I read books. Which book? White Fang. I will say, I read a book that is so good, but fucking heartbreaking.
And it's about that, I'm going to fuck up his name, it's so Russian, David Wojnarowicz.
Anyone? The artist?
There's a book about him called Fire in the Belly. He was a big artist around when AIDS broke out in New York City. Really, really interesting artist. And a lot of his stuff was just block texts of gorgeous, politically charged poetry about the government forsaking people with HIV during that time.
So it's a really powerful book, I would read it. It's so big. So you'll look really cool, really smart. I remember my book.
Iris Murdoch. She's a British lady.
I think it's funny, too, when writers from the past, women especially, they're like, and she slept with women. Isn't that crazy? She slept with men, and she slept with women.
She was a groundbreaker. She was wild. I was like, all right.
But she's a really great writer. I like to read diaries of people. That's my favorite format. Susan Sontag. I like to see how they would write daily. So there's diaries of hers that are really fascinating, too. Susan Sontag.
January 12. I think this. January 13.
That was wrong.
I think something else now. And I'm not gay. I am gay. I'm not. We're not going to talk about it.
January 14. OK, I had a question on the way here. I was thinking about how I read The Price of Salt, which is the book that became Carol the movie. Yes.
In the movie, was she still, because in the book she works at a theater. Did she do that in the movie?
She works at Sears or something like that. Right, she worked at Sears when she met her and she left the glove or whatever. But there was a time after I guess she broke up. She was like a ticket taker or something? No, she like built stuff. She was like a set designer. Or like a costumer or something.
She's like, I got it. I got it. She's so fragile.
But I was like, that's such a gay ass thing to do. Yes. Like when you're in junior high and you're building sets or working the light grid, you're probably gay. Yeah, wake up. Well, even if you're performing on stage. Yeah.
Everyone in that department are your allies. Go there today. Run for the theater.
I never read The Price of Salt.
Would you recommend? Yeah, it's like a lot of like, aren't they going to fuck?
AKA the first two thirds of my life. I've only been fucking for a third of my life.
Wake up people. Oh my god, same. My mom does listen to those podcasts.
Like the drink, though. We call her DJ Crystal. Sure, like that drink, though. Like that drink, though. Yeah, well, you know what?
Any last minute book recs get in under the wire? I have no book recs. Not queer ones at the moment, but I also read A Little Life, by the way.
You finished it? It's so good. Yeah. Somebody told you about it on this show, is that right? Yes, they did. I've heard mixed things. Did you like it? I liked it a lot. Yeah.
It's very New York, I would say, which could get a little bit hard to read, but it was good. Oh yeah, New York. Ugh, god. Fuck, put that Apple box on New York already. Fuck New York. Get it out of here, Chicago.
Inside jokes. Is the cubbyhole in it? Or what is it? Is that the book you said before? I don't think so.
Is Ruby Fruit in it? Ruby Fruit was in a lesbian bar of Days Gone By.
It's all dudes in this book. I don't know. Ish.
Anyway, that's the last of our recommendations. Thank you, everybody, for listening.
I hope you have a great week, and please send us your questions. We take them on the Discord server, or you can send them through the Instagram. Honey, you can email them. What's the email address?
No, don't email them. There's no email. All right, I'm getting a hard veto from our producer. Do not email me anything.
Thank you so much, and talk to you next time.
Bye.
Hey, what's up? It's Allie.
If you like College Humor and you want to support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness. By the twilight's last gleam. Sign up for your free trial today, and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
dropout | summer_of_music_canceled_tv_show_love_song | The first time that I saw you, I knew right away Once a week was not enough, I wanted you every day You got me like no other, now I need you to know I miss you more than any other TV show We had just one year together, then you had to go You blamed it on the ratings, said that they were too low But it was pretty much sure you were just hitting your prime Now my life's empty Mondays, eight Eastern, nine out of time My love's not undeclared since you went away You arrested that development between you and me Our love is fresh and daisy, there's no fire in my fly Maybe one day you'll come back and be my family guy You asked so many questions, I can't answer to a few I just wish we could hang like you cliffhangers still do When I catch you in a rerun, yeah, my heart still flips The finales I find all my love for you is infinite My life is just so calm without you here with me I feel more dead than one now that you're not on TV You're the freak to my geek, Veronica's in my mark And you and only you are that twin piece of my heart Other people say they love you, they didn't put in the time I was there from the premiere, they just watched you online There are no sports in my life since you've been gone How is my angel lost, but somehow bones are still on I missed your show, missed our show, every single week But I know you're always with me thanks to DVDs |
dropout | true_grit_with_sub_titles | People did not give it credence that a young girl could travel the country with a half retarded man who could barely speak English But it did happen I know it is occupied. Mr. Cogburn prior business. I've been at it for quite some time.
Mr. Cogburn Occupied Rolled up to the Wharton's there and there were the North Fork tracks of Canadian down the quick bank with some hogs It killed a show. Cece Wharton pulled out on Potter with one barrel. What became of Otis Wharton?
I've seen men better tore up with nothing bigger than the king bolt. Can we depart this afternoon? Oh, honey. This ain't no kuna Oh, wow. Hold on, sir. Oh, well, for expenses. What are you? What you got there in your pocket? My God. A holster of guns. The rest won't be so good, them boys.
That can be hard on again. You were trying to get at me. The time we get to Fort Smith will be swelled up tight as this hat band. The last time I saw Rooster, he had enrolled in speech therapy class at the University of Arkansas Adult Education Annex. |
dropout | your_first_kiss | Alright, the day went well, it's a beautiful night, and you're wearing the only cool shirt you own. Quick check for pit stains. Good to go, and... Oh god! Looks like your shoulder pissed itself! Okay, just hide it with a clever posture. You smell good. Yes!
All my friends told me cologne is gay, but she tells me I smell good. So f**k them. From now on, it's Antonio Bandera's brand cologne all the time.
So what's the next move? I know, that's why they call it a slam. That's it! The hand-on-hand. The most time-honored gauge of romantic potential. Alright, Pinky, here's the game. You're just a naive little inchworm that I have no control over. Oh, is my Pinky moving towards your hand? I wouldn't know anything about that. And contact.
Can she move her hand? Can she feel my hand? Is her hand asleep?
Mom! Oh, uh, hon, I thought I heard the mailman. Mom, it's midnight. My mistake.
By the way, penetration is overrated. Could you please leave? I'm leaving! Shut the...
Ah, back to business. What's this? Is it...
She's doing the Pinky wraparound. Oh god, I'm rocking a semi-chub. Maybe if I just really casually use my other hand to flip it up. There we go. Huh, just make sure it's not peeking out of the top of my pants. We're cool. There's a bead of sweat racing down my back toward my ass-crack like Luke Skywalker approaching the Death Star Trench. And these sweaty palms. She probably thinks I just crawled through a vat of diced honeydew and... Hello! Mom is on the move! This is huge.
Alright, time for the peppermint syrup you strategically placed in your pocket. Just grab a knead it real smooth. Don't even look. And... Oh god, that was a nickel.
She's laughing. She thought it was cute. She's leaning. Lean with her.
Tilt. Tilt to the left. No, no, no. Tilt to the right.
No, focus. Close your eyes. Wait, open them. Are hers open? No. Close them.
Breathe through your nose. Stay for that burp. Not too much tongue. Too soon for a love bite. And... release. Smile shyly. Not too much eye contact.
Now whatever you do, don't ask her what this makes us. After all, girls hate guys that overanalyze. Thank god you're not one of those.
Brownies! There are condoms underneath the brownies.
Mom! Okay, okay. Honey. The head of your penis is peeking out over your belt. Oh! |
dropout | 3_Adorable_Crafts_You_Can_Immediately_Trash | Let's get right to the point with a fun needle felting project of an adorable little puppy. It couldn't be any easier to shape the wool and poke. And there you have it. Isn't that adorable? And making it was so relaxing.
Now, after I finish a craft, I like to immediately throw it in the trash, because that's what it is, and that's where it belongs. Sure, it was nice to forget the world and focus my energy on this tiny thing, but what purpose does it serve after that, huh? Do I really need more things collecting dust on my shelves?
No. No, I don't.
I hope this next craft gets your stamp of approval, because we're making stamps. Simply carve cute little shapes into the bottom of your cork. I'm going to make an adorable little heart. Now, dip it in the paint. Look at that. You can put as many as you want wherever you want.
There really are no wrong answers, because there are no answers. There are no questions. No one asked me to do this.
No one needs this. Instead of immediately throwing this into the trash, I think I'll put it in the shredder first. Oh, it's ready. Now we can put it in the trash. Seriously, what would I ever do with a piece of paper with a bunch of stupid stamps on it?
Show it to someone? Can you imagine a grown woman showing you this in earnest and being like, look at what I made. That's psychotic. I hope this next craft gets your stamp of... I already said that. I think this next craft is going to break the mold, because it's clay.
Let's make a giraffe. So cute. Next, we bake it in the oven, about 12 minutes for every inch. I can't wait.
It's done. Would you look at that? Well, oops, I almost forgot to paint it. There. Isn't that gorgeous? Crafting really is a joy, but never, and I mean never, keep something you craft. Let's say I actually held on to that piece of... What next?
I hand them down to my grandchildren. It gets donated to a Goodwill.
No one wants this. No one.
Thanks so much for watching the Cozy Craft Corner. Make sure to tune in to next week's episode, where I burn my whole studio to the ground. Bye, guys. For the low price of a quirky pair of socks that show off your fun side per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner, to chat with us live on the Dropout Discord, and exclusive content like the latest episodes of the Erotic Book Club Podcast.
There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe, and it gets me. It's hot. It's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I'd buy land, I guess. Oh, God. |
SaturdayNightLive | badger_convention_saturday_night_live | Well, is everything ready for the banquet? Yep, we're all set. you know you're waiting on the Badgers tonight? yeah, who are these Badgers anyway, a hockey team or something? Ah, you wish. Okay, fellas, let's badger them. whoo-hoo-hoo! hey, hey, hey, hey! Oh! what? I'm so worried about you. Hello. Oh, yeah! excuse me, good evening. you all must be the Badgers. would you like to check your hats? it's nothing wrong with our hats. would you like to check the bottoms of your shoes? Well, I never. Oh, I bet you have. Brother Badgers, the Meeting of Milwaukee Badger Post 213 will now come to order. Any old Badgering?
Rodriguez. I'd like to commend Brother Higgins here for badgering the bus driver all the way over here! And I'd like to commend Brother Rodriguez for badgering that man about bringing his dog into the lobby. Sit down, Rodriguez.
Hey, do I hear a secretary's report? Yes. our junior Badgers basketball team isn't doing too well. unfortunately, they lost their first game to the Lions Club. But, on the bright side, those little Badgers managed to rack up 14 technical fouls! Okay, Junior Badgers. hey, do we have any new candidates for Badgerdom?
B, bothersome. A, annoying. D, despicable. G, grating. E, exasperating. R, ridiculing.
Alright, that was a good job. very good. excellent. Just remember, Pendleton, that only those who live by the code can truly call themselves Badgers. Hey, Brother Pendleton. Okay. Rodriguez, in light of your accomplishments, let's give you the first honors at dinner tonight.
Waitress! Yes, sir. would you all like to order drinks? Uh, you make a Tom Collins? Sure. You make a Harvey Wallbanger? Absolutely. You ever make a guy named Marvin Grishman?
I can't believe my ears. Oh, really? I can't believe your face. What a horrible waste of skin. What's wrong with my face? Oh, is that your face? Or did your neck throw up?
Okay, what seems to be the problem here? they were badgering things. Oh, you guys, I was nice enough to let you come back to the hotel this year. Now, if you don't cut out that badgering, I'm just going to have to ask you to leave. Now, gentlemen, gentlemen, tell me, dear, what did they say?
They owe me an apology. they said terrible things about my face. Well, that's disgusting. Yeah, the insults. No, your face.
Joe Bolton Badged Troop 180. |
cracked | 19_wtf_celebrity_cameos_by_celebrities_you_think_you_d_recognize | Welcome to Hollywood for the first ever Milford Awards. Tonight, we're celebrating the stars and celebrities who had cameos in your favorite movies and TV shows so pointless, so random, and so impossible to notice, they just had to win an award. And now, the winners. Two-time Oscar winner Kate Blanchett wins her first Milford tonight for her small, masked, and unrecognizable cameo in Hot Fuzz.
Director Edgar Wright said he cast Blanchett because she's one of the foremost actresses of her generation and because totally wasting her talents would be a fun way to piss off the studio. No, really. That's why she's in Hot Fuzz. Adult film legend Ron Jeremy joins us tonight from the bed he probably lives in.
Without his contribution to this single panicked crowd shot in the original Ghostbusters, that crucial scene might not have had a distracting secret cameo to pull the movie together. And Bobby Brown didn't just contribute your second favorite Ghostbusters theme music to your second favorite Ghostbusters movie. He also turns in a jarringly tiny performance as this man, opening a door for our able-bodied heroes. Glenn Close left behind her golden locks and her gender for this Milford-winning non-role in Hook because only six-time Oscar nominee Glenn Close could play a man who gets tortured off-screen and hog a role that could have paid some struggling actor's rent for a month on-screen. And don't go thinking Hook has just one inexplicable bit role.
Rock star and balding cherub Phil Collins shines for all of 33 seconds as a London police detective hot on the trail of how any child would recognize this cameo and why any adult would enjoy it. Billionaire lion impersonator Richard Branson puts his distinctive stamp on the James Bond franchise in Casino Royale by getting a T.S.A. wand waved over his fresh-from-the-private-islands junk for a couple seconds. Because that's sort of like a joke. You know Rob Licko Henny as the man behind characters from Mac on It's Always Sunny to Fat Mac on It's Always Sunny.
But he discovers true pointlessness in a one-scene performance where he gets tackled by Sawyer and clubbed out of consciousness by a hundred five-pound lady. And then they let him live. Kind of a loose end. Weird seeing lost not tie up a plot line. And this one brings Evil Dead star and sentient-smoking chin Bruce Campbell to the small screen as a soap opera star to go crazy up there by the lake to.
If you noticed him. Which you didn't.
George A. Romero's big reason why so many scary movies have zombies lurking in the shadows. So it's only fair he got to lurk in the shadows of this one scene in Silence of the Lambs.
Not even change up his beard for anything. Just, you know, wander in and out.
Only a few comedy legends seize our attention every time they're on screen. So when the people casting Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom couldn't get John Cleese they turned to Dan Aykroyd's shitty John Cleese impression.
Or like a fifteen second role. Obvious hackery. Quite a mistake.
In case you didn't recognize him from C-SPAN that random old guy is actually currently seated US Senator, random old guy Patrick Leahy. And this Vermont Democrat shines when he comes face to face with the Joker.
And yeah. He does that. He definitely does that.
Well this is as good a time as any to thank our... Wait, holy shit! Is that Adam Savage? It is! Yes!
Mythbuster Adam Savage is in a Billy Joel music video. He plays a kid Billy Joel tries to fish for as a metaphor about teen suicide. What the fuck?
In 1994 George Lucas was a little known director with a mere three Star Wars movies under his belt. So you probably missed him in the third Beverly Hills Cop movie getting turned away from a ride by fellow soon to implode movie legend Eddie Murphy.
Hey, that's Mike from Breaking Bad. Sick! The man you know as Mike from Breaking Bad wasn't always the muscle for Gus Fring. Long ago he was the punchline for Lloyd Bridges setups in Airplane.
And what a difference 34 years makes hairline-wise. Speaking of the ravages of time, they've never affected Iggy Pop.
But the effects wizards at Deep Space Nine turned him into an unrecognizable unnoticed space alien through the identity cloaking magic of shirts. And wearing any clothes at all transformed dick sock impresario Michael Flea Bolzare turning him from an ordinary red hot chili pepper into an even ordinary crust punk for the third Back to the Future movie. Chili pepper's front man Anthony Kiedis did that exact same kind of blink-endumism thug role a year earlier in Point Break and he accomplished the seemingly impossible job of letting Keanu Reeves be the most dynamic person on screen. Huey Lewis was in sphere.
Weird. Tell your friends. If there's a lull in conversation or something. At least we saw Jon Favreau's face on Friends. But only a show about nothing could give him a truly nothing role. Yes! That clown directed Iron Man. Well the stars certainly came out tonight and then those stars did quick background work in major movies and shows going unnoticed by millions of fans. I've been the guy who also narrates the Oscars and thanks for watching my least favorite gig. Just let us know what you did today. However mundane, I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested. |
TheOnion | Too_Much_Sex_And_Profanity_In_The_HBO_Presidential_Debate | I'm Gregory Dawson, sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is currently plummeting toward Earth at 93 miles an hour.
Last night, HBO hosted its first ever presidential debate, which the New York Times hailed as brilliant and predicted would, quote, revolutionize television political debate. Did the HBO debate live up to all of its hype?
Absolutely. The grittiness, the non-linear question for me. It was so much more real. What about the use of profanity in last night's debates? Most critics agree that it benefited John McCain. Oh, I'm completely in that camp. McCain seemed to be completely in his element when he said that Obama's foreign policy resume was shorter than a cunt hair. But then Obama came back and called him a cot gobbler with his energy policy. And I thought that was a brilliant move. Well, it did go a little bit far at some points. And with the John McCain, for example, he answered that question about fiscal discipline by pistol whipping the stripper. That was clear that was necessary. That was clear he meant to demonstrate his hostility at congressional earmarks. I mean, that's what I got.
I thought it was a little hard to follow. They didn't even make it clear who Steve Buscemi was supposed to be. He was the moderator. Well, in general, I think the whole debate could have been more clear. Like the part where Obama knocks over his glass of water and it shatters on the floor. And then they had that close up of it. And I know it was supposed to mean something, but I cannot figure it out. My, my, you see, that was an allusion to Obama's attempt to reform our intrinsically broken political system.
But when the janitor comes in to clean up the glass, how did he know all those things about Obama's childhood? That was Obama's subconscious in the form of a janitor. So it wasn't a real janitor.
I have to go back and watch the ending again, because it seemed that McCain was about to make his closing statements. But then he just looked off into the distance and they faded to black. I read in the Times why they ended it that way.
And I think I like it very much now. Okay, I'll have to read that article. Now next Saturday, Cinemax will be hosting its first vice presidential debate moderated by Shannon Tweed that promises more nudity and less intellectual posturing. You think that will be a success? I will definitely be watching it, but I will be doing so ironically. |
dropout | wet_for_nessie | Hello, everyone. Welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read an erotic novel.
Yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah, it's factual. I am your host, Jessica Ross, and with me as always is my co-host. I'm Rekha Shankar.
We have such an incredible book this week. Recommend it to us by Cutie Petudius on the Discord. If you're watching this on Dropout, that's our favorite way for you guys to watch it, and you can see it first, and you can also talk to us on our Discord where we get to chat with you guys. We get recommendations for books. We get different comments. I'm going to share some comments now because we're having fun on the Discord, and I want everybody to be a part of it.
Raccoony, for our last book, Vikings in Space, was a big fan. We had a lot of fans of Vikings in Space in there.
How could you not love it? The Viking straight up asks her what gets her off, which I love that about it, too. It was very nice.
Yeah, and it doesn't happen enough. Yeah. Story would like a- You don't often see that level of conscientiousness in Vikings. Or in space. Normally, they just pillage us. Yeah. Story would like to see more shit slits and busy lip representation. And that's important. Representation does matter. Yes. So we're going to get on that.
I always like to hear your guys' recommendations. Foolmoron, love the name, would like us to read more Hentai, and then WonkDaddy, who contributes a lot on there. We love you, WonkDaddy. I suggested that Rekha and Mai's minds would be blown if we read Hentai.
So I'm kind of- Challenge accepted. Challenge accepted, WonkDaddy.
Yeah. And you can also check out some gorgeous, sexy, gritty pics on there. Stunning. Isn't there gritty erotica? Absolutely. There must be.
Already? I guess he's been around for a while.
Nobody needs to be out for three minutes for there to be erotica about it. Rekha, we're being rude. We haven't introduced our experts for- Sorry. Sorry. They've taken breaks from their busy lives of what they are experts at.
Yes. To join us. We have a monster expert, Mike Trapp. Hello. Thank you for having me.
And we also have a Scotland expert. She just went to Scotland. I did. Marissa High.
Four days. Four holidays.
If that doesn't make you an expert, I don't know what does. I really don't.
And you're the closest thing to a Scottish person we have in this office. Yes. Yeah.
We want to make sure the information- Brendan is banging on the door. Shut up, Brendan. Shut up.
He went on longer Scotland.
We just want to make sure the information we're giving is factual, which is why we always like to have experts here to make sure- To keep ourselves in check. Yes. Because Jess and I don't want to just say opinions. We want to say facts. This isn't our field.
I'm a forensic scientist. And I'm an astronaut.
So, you know, we need people to keep us. Whatever. Okay. So Wet for Nessie.
What a book by Vivian St. Black. Do we believe this book was written by a woman? I do believe this is written by a woman.
I think so too. I was on the fence as well. We are divided already and I love it. Yeah. I was on the fence because there was so, I guess the inherent conceit, and I hope I'm not giving anything away that wasn't already given away by the title, but the idea that anyone would want to fuck a Loch Ness monster to me seemed so crazy. And all the descriptions of penises seemed like what a man hopes someone thinks of their penis. Interesting. Because I did not agree with any of it. Oh, it was all nasty. What do you think?
I don't know if I agree that I wouldn't pick the Loch Ness monster as the sexiest monster. And he knows. And I know monsters. Which is something that I would like to get into what people think is the sexiest monster. Because there's definitely some out there, as I'm sure you're aware. All the sexiest monsters. Every night before bed I look through my catalog of sexy monsters.
I've got a calendar. It's a seven year calendar. Wow. December.
But I don't think that that level of foreignness can necessarily point to maleness. I felt like there was just a lot of attention on female friendships, female anatomy, female pleasure. There was a lot of literal stuff. And a ton of come all over. That's another thing that made me think it was the man.
Always felt less.
Hot seed is what they called it. The euphemisms throughout the world. They come all the time. Not everybody squirts all the time. I will say this. It delivers on its title. Everything is wet and moist and glistening.
One time they described Nessie as dry. But that was a problem. That was an issue. They made him wet.
For those of you who maybe have not had the joy of reading. As usual, we've gotten ahead of ourselves. Let's get to know the characters that we're going to be talking about. Just in case you haven't read it.
There's Kaylee Jordan. The second time we've had somebody with a Lee L-E-I-G-H. L-E-I-G-H is a really popular way to say substitute for L-E-Y or L-I-E or something. But guess what? That's how my middle name spelled. What's your middle name? Lee? Twist.
I'm a Jessica Lee. Jessica, K-K. Kaylee is called K-K. Olivia.
No, Regan. They made a point of saying only Regan calls her K-K.
I'm also her best friend now so I call her K-K. Then there's Regan, her best friend who sometimes they call Ray Ray. Which is insulting. I am Ray Ray. Then there's their other friend who's not their best friend but like kind of just maybe the bitch of the group. Olivia and I call her O-O. That's never mentioned in the book but it's just something I do know. That's also her blood type.
Hot. So hot.
Universal donor. There's Mr. Haynesworth, the master teacher. And he is the chaperone. There's their chaperone.
There's Fergus McLeod. Mcleod? How would I? Is it McLeod? It's McLeod.
That name is like. Wow. That is straight from like the big book O Scottish names. Like you could not pick a more like generic stereotypical Scottish name.
Fergus McLeod. John Whiteman. I wrote down that he's Boatman.
And then of course. He's called the captain as well. And then Nessie. Obviously.
Our tale begins. We're in Scotland.
It's a very rainy day so already we've got the wet. I didn't even think of that. It's wet constantly. Everything is wet.
It really sets the stage. It's not just pussy. Actually that is nice. There's a school trip to Scotland. With the math department. Yes.
Kay could be in Cabo with her parents but she's not. And she's in Scotland. But she doesn't mind because her entire life she has been fantasizing about Nessie.
And this is where the book already got made. Who? I was like I thought they were gonna be on the trip and be bored and then meet him and have to be convinced to want to you know something. First they hate each other. She is instantly into the idea. There's no justification.
It's not like if you were like I went to England and I was hoping I would see you know Prince Harry. Where it's like oh a public figure that people find attractive. It is just supposed to be understood. It's like I hope I get to see Nessie. I'm like cream myself if I do.
It's also like this is my biggest secret. I've never even told my best friend.
Yeah it definitely like takes us a given that's like we all agree the Loch Ness Monster is high. If only he exists and we're assuming he's a he. Which I've never assumed yet.
Jessica you had a really astute description of what the Loch Ness Monster is shaped like. Like a soup ladle. I think I saw one on Amazon like a dino stegosaurus and I was like oh that looks like when you see the Loch Ness Monster. I mean all I've ever seen of him is a little pipe or something. And what I think is really beautiful about that analogy is the the spoon part could be the body and this could be the neck or if you flip it this could be the neck and this could be the head.
Wow you really thought about this. Just the moment of dead air as we're all like what the fuck are you talking about?
We'll get into this but I have such a hard time visualizing what he looks like. But we'll get to that. We haven't quite met him yet.
Can I, we're taking waves. Of course you may.
When I was taking notes on this it was just like anytime I got to a sentence that made me go like either like have a question or a thought or just seemed like so outrageous. I was like I should just like write this down. And like like I got like 10 sentences and it's like I've written down every sentence. My chapter one notes are like three pages long. I feel like this might be a little halting but it was it was like the first sentence of the book I think it's like it's like oh I was a rainy wet cold day in Scotland.
This is not what I was expecting. Why the fuck not?
You went to Scotland. That's like what they're known for. Thank you. I'm a Scottish expert. Did Nessie bring you to Scotland? Did you relate with this character? I actually came because of Outlander. That's why you came? I'm trying to fuck the Outlander. So anyone who goes to Scotland is trying to fuck something there.
But it's just what's your flavor. That's interesting. Interesting. Good to know. That's their whole tourism campaign. I did check out something here.
I don't fuck in Scotland! I'm trying to fuck something right here. Oh my god. Rekha also for those of you watching and not listening Rekha told me that my metal straw looks like Nessie.
Which is hot.
That's the kind of premium content you can only get when you're watching. Also for people who can't see I have glue all over my face from a shoot we did earlier so subscribe to dropout and you get to see that.
So yeah she's always loved him. She's imagined herself lying on a beach and just lying on his belly.
She has never told this to her best friend Ray Ray or to Olivia who isn't her best friend but she hangs out too. She also is really into her friend Ray Ray. And it's so well it's the best lesbian relationship that I've read in one of the books.
She like notices her little head tilt and her giggles. There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe.
Oh my god. It's really hot. That's the human erotica in this. I like. I could not agree more. It's some of the best human erotica I have read.
When she's also with the boatman getting ahead of ourselves. Spoiler. I'm into it and I'm into Ferguson. That also makes me think that it's a woman. For something that comes later but we'll get to it. Yeah I guess we're going to talk about that was also a thing that made me think that it was a very like female perspective sort of. Yes that's true.
Like I'm feeling cocks through pants kind of. Which is not to say a man cannot feel a cock through pants. There's many layers of pants.
It implies it was very cold and wet. Yeah it definitely felt like it was like I'm this is totally her perspective of like how you would engage in this. Yes so they their school has taken them there for a math trip I guess. And they want to go. She desperately wants to go to see the Loch Ness Munster. And I just want to fuck it.
Nobody's ever seen it but it's what is hell. I actually didn't realize a lock was a thing.
Yeah it's a lake. Yeah that means like. This is about education.
I learned that in Scotland. Yes I actually didn't before Scotland. You didn't know before. I did not know. I thought you went to research after extensive research there I found out.
There's a Kaylee for every law. We're going to get through chapter one I promise.
She desperately wants to go on this. She hasn't told her friends. But it is raining so bad. The trip has been canceled and she is heartbroken. The other girls they don't take it as seriously and they don't get why she's so upset.
Yeah. And how could you. If you never tell anyone. Yeah. If you never tell anyone.
What would you do if your friend told you that. If my friend told me she's into the Loch Ness Munster. I would first have to hear like the reasons.
Like you know like even when you argue about celebrities that you have a crush on. Yeah. You like Christoph Waltz.
You don't get it. No you don't get it isn't about that.
You'd want to know it's like oh he's got like kind of a wiry body and he like whatever we're not talking about Christoph Waltz. But like I want to know the reasons like oh what physically attracts you is it like what like the body type. The like.
Big ass little tiny neck. I want it to look like a ball of silly putty that I grabbed one and just let it stretch for a long time. That's that's my perfect. Oh the sexiest shape.
Yeah. So I'd have to hear the like logic. Yes.
Which is never explained. They're all kind of drawn to him which made me think there was a bit of magic. I thought there was going to be magic revealed. Is there magic in Scotland? Not that I know of.
Okay. I mean what? Outlander. Yes there is. Oh. Yeah.
The results are in. So they she takes it upon herself to say they get a free day to do whatever they want. And she's like let's just go down to Loch Ness and see what's up. And her friends are all good with it. So they all get changed.
There's a discussion about one of their nipples and being surprised by the nipple color. Yeah. I've never been surprised by anyone's nipple. Listen. That was okay. There was there's so much in erotica of like whoa. Her nipple was paler than I expected in a way that is a positive.
I'm like excuse me. Shut the fuck up. Oh you wipe me off.
They're so pink. Oh my god. Thank god. They're so pink. Thank fucking god. They're so. Thank they're so good. I thought they were going to be dark pink with their light pink. Thank fucking god.
You're just so nasty. Oh fuck. Her light blue eyes were so fucking light. Like white is her pink nipples. It's all annoying. Anyway.
Chapter one. So it concludes chapter one. Chapter two.
We're all reading this on Kindle, right? Yeah.
No one bought the hard copy. They're hard copy.
There must be. Do you have like the highlights turned on? Yeah. You just reminded me in that moment like that I clocked that like the that like locker room scene was like had like a highless like someone because they show you what like the highlights that other people have commonly highlighted or something like that. Oh I don't have that. They'll tell you like the big ones that like there's like 43 highlights. Yeah. Like that section was just like when it got to like the bit about describing the pubic hair. Just like just the pubic hair description of his highlight. It's like very interesting to see what people are like. Yeah. This is I need to remember this. Darker than she thought. Yeah.
Great. That's that's important character pieces to know. Curly wiry. Normal fucking pubes. Terrific.
The three girls take a taxi to the lock which is when I found out that was a thing. And then they meet a very sexy boat man named Fergus McLeod. Now Fergus sounds hot but I thought it was kind of like we talked about this a little gross that these are like high schoolers.
Yeah. And he's like a captain that's in his like like late twenties. For my own enjoyment.
I move them to college. I move them to college as well.
Yes. Everyone in all the books in my head is 21 and older. They can all gamble. They can all rent a car. For any of our writers out there please put them all college grads or college age grads and above. We don't need any nonsense. They just turned 18.
I'm not interested.
I had a theory about Fergus. Two wildly different theories but one was I think that maybe in an original draft Fergus was intended to be much older.
Because everything about him is like. It's like one eye. Like you get it. It's like okay cool.
The Scottish captain. And then like at one point there. It's like I expected him to be like I guess 20s to 30s. And then later on it's like it's like my my suspicions were were correct but they don't ever say like exactly what it is. And later in the book which is getting a little bit of head.
But like he talks about his grandkids. Well yeah he's talking about his grandkids. How much he loves and how much joy they bring to his life.
No he says there's a line there. He says like take it easy on old Fergus. It's like I think Fergus was maybe originally just like a gross and someone deep and know that's like you should make Fergus a little younger. That's just the way people talked in Scotland.
No. They don't call it old.
Even the team. They do say Lassie though. This often. Were you called Lassie? I was. How was it? It was fun. Love to be called Lassie.
Yeah. That can happen.
Buy a real Scotsman though. Our Scots lady. Our tour guide Neil called me Lassie.
Hot.
The girls get on the boat after a bit of back and forth with Fergus because he is a little nervous. Fergus is nervous.
They basically kind of just bug him enough to be like all right. His whole reason is like it's way too rainy. What? It's too dangerous to go out. And then I guess if you just ask someone enough they're like yeah okay. Let's be unsafe. And then they go out into the waters and like this is sort of where it all begins. Yes.
Because Olivia sorry not Olivia KK falls off the boat. Oh sorry. I forgot something before I forgot. Don't forget the wheel. Fergus jokes is like hey why don't you take the wheel.
And then like it does the thing with like just. Yeah. But also has his junk right against her ass. Yeah. And his his cock grows hard. And she's like what's this.
Painfully hard. And painfully hard.
I had to check. Yeah. Three times throughout this book things are painfully hard. Yeah. Whether they're nipples or cocks. Is that a good thing? No.
Painful. Have you ever had to pee so badly it hurts. But then once you do it it feels good. You are reading the pages of my diary.
So I sort of get it. That's all. I get it.
Anyway his cock is really painfully hard through a bunch of layers because it's cold. And there's a bit of going under her pants right in a little thing.
Yeah. He's like touching your stomach and shut. Yeah. I mean I like all that. I was into this scene. It was nice when you up her age. It's nice. Yeah.
Also where are her friends doing all this. They're like on a lower level of the boat because she falls off like twice to get into the ocean. Yes. Two thoughts on this particular scene. One is like there's a moment where where Fergus is trying to have like has like a little bit of like handling a boat. It's like handling a woman. You know like this sort of thing. And it's like trap. But like the metaphor falls apart after like two things. You know it's like it's like you got to know how to hold her and you got to steer her right.
And she's got a huge poop. She crashed into an iceberg. You need special permission from the coast guard to be able to bring her out. She's full of life preservers just in case. So people get nauseous on her.
She is thrown overboard. Everyone's thrown overboard. Chaos ensues. We do not know what happens to her friends. Chapter three takes us with Kay to the depths of the ocean falling and then something rescues her.
Well Kay's nervous she's going to die a virgin. She thinks this in her head. So this is when she. Which is what you naturally think when you're drowning.
That's the thing that you. It's the most important thing.
She's rescued by the creature. Dark liquid eyes. Sleek muscular body. Slender pants. Pail. And a long sinuous neck and narrow head. It's a ladle. That sounds so fucking gross. Now when I read muscular body. Here's what I pictured him like. He has like a brontosaurus head.
And then it like abs. Like he's been abs. Did they describe abs?
They never.
This is one soft jelly bean of a body. They definitely describe him as pillowy. Yes he is a marshmallow.
Abs or no? I think it's supposed to be muscular like the way a horse is muscular. I think a lot of this is like horse attraction. Like I rode him between my thighs kind of shit. Are you into that? I didn't even betray my thighs.
It bothers me how dog like he is. How he's the Loch Ness Monster. He doesn't ever talk. The most he does is like coo.
I don't like that. I think that sounds like a wookie or like a little bird. Here's why I don't like the cooing.
Is that it feels like something that would be in like a kid's cartoon. Like a sort of like we rescued the last dinosaur. Or like a pikachu. Yeah sure. Oh my god.
Loch Ness Monster only says Nessie. Nessie. Nessie Nessie.
Because there are monsters that are hot. We can get into this now but I would totally fuck a werewolf. That's my number one. Sasquatch. Maybe. To the werewolf point. And maybe this is good.
Centaur. Horse girl.
You're like Ryder and suck. Cool. What are you doing?
Give me that peanut butter. Mr. Ed tasted of peanut butter and lust.
The bride of Frankenstein is gorgeous. The what? The bride of Frankenstein.
Mother she's like a human. A mermaid I would fuck a mermaid. Oh for sure. King Triton. And all of his daughters. On the werewolf point. This is maybe getting ahead of ourselves. I would suck her tail. Hey you're not the only one.
I thought for sure that Nessie was going to turn out to be Fergus. Who could like magically transform. You mean because they weren't in the same place at the same time. They made a very like a very like strong point of being like oh and Fergus was gone. Who knows where Fergus went. And she described him as being she's on the verge of something real something special with Fergus.
From just a boner. Just having a hard cock ran into your lower back. Like this is real. Glenn you know you know. He's teaching me how to tell my mom how we met. He ran his painfully hard cock up my ass.
Well we met when well you know how math trips go to Scotland all the time from Chicago. Oh that's right they went from Chicago to Scotland for math.
Anyway. Sure. God I'm already nauseous.
Nessie rescues her and brings her to a beach which is the beach underwater. Yeah it's a cove. Yeah you know it's like it's like rocks and like whatever like an like a little enclave kind of thing. I think it's like a sort of like you you have to go like underwater to reemerge somewhere else. It's like hitting the moon kind of thing. The only place where Nessie can feel safe. Yeah. Wow. But I think there's all supposed to be something kind of magical about it because you definitely like you go to a different ecosystem entirely. It's like jungly there instead of being like it like the rain has stopped. I think there is like a bit of like magical like like a transportation thing kind of going.
Which I did like too because she wanted to go to Cabo. Yeah. And it kind of sounded like Cabo. And this was Cabo without her parents. There's actually a secret lock like Nessie wormhole that goes from Loch Ness to Cabo. Say Nessie wormhole guys. I thought for a second she might be in Cabo.
Wow. Just what I wanted.
And she sees her parents. Hi. She wakes up and not only does she realize she's on this beautiful tropical beach but her friends have also been rescued and one of her friends who they describe as the dark haired girl.
Yeah so you know she's the naughty one. Which I was also like and her nipples are like fuck up. This is not physically okay whatever. She awakes to see that her friend oh Olivia and Nessie are intimate making love. And here it is. The dark haired girl pressed the tail to her bare chest and then slowly reverently took it in her mouth with languid grace. Olivia drew on the tail with her lips. Using her hands further down the shaft to accentuate Nessie's pleasure. This is disgusting.
Yeah. If you are like if you're just sort of like reading it and just sort of being like okay cool like the tail is just standing in as like a phallic object. Okay.
But if you take one second to imagine like like you we've all been to a pet store. You've seen the lizards walking around the cage. Just take a moment to imagine a wet lizard tail in your mouth.
It's the most upsetting thing. I thought we were learning the rules of this creature of it's like anatomy. I was like okay I get it. The tail is the dick. It is a huge misdirect. It has a cloaca. If you don't know what that is pause. Look it up. You did too. Don't be ashamed. Come back. I know monsters. A penis came out of it. Yeah you obviously knew this was going to happen. I kind of thought the same thing because I when we started I was like how how is this going to work because I was like like most like a lot of like lizards not all a lot of like reptiles and birds and things like have cloaca which again if you're not familiar is just a big sack that that is a combination of like bladder colon reproductive system. It's just a big sack where shit piss and eggs and sperm all just come together. And so when I started I was like I hope to God there are no cloaca in this story. That is so funny. The thought of like getting. I put the fuck down. You saw that coming.
Caught on my bedside and prayed to God. Please please please before I read this. I put away my monster calendar. I kneeled beside my bed and I said no cloaca. Please God.
I know it's been a while. I know I don't go to mass.
Wow. Nessie let out a moan and slowly turned onto his side exposing his cloaca from within the glistening opening emerged his thick fleshy cock. Olivia went down to her knees and with loving care loving care filled her mouth with the throbbing organ. There is so much dick sucking in this book too. More than any other book I read. And I hated it. I like good dick sucking but it was a lot and it was just always with the seed what happens. Oh my God.
There's a lot of fun in this one. It was so messy. Everyone really is. It's just a big mess.
But they can just get in the water and then it's gone. Oh that is true. They can clean fast.
I forgot to mention they were freezing cold on the beach so all of the girls had to take off all of their clothes. What do you do when you're very cold?
Nude for the rest of the store. A bit of a blue lagoon going on. Oh the magic on and on my clothes.
KK is watching this. Of course she's heartbroken. This has been her dream for as long as she can remember. To suck on his cloaca dick. But she's also aroused and she feels herself.
Yes. And she's a little conflicted. Yes.
Her pussy gushing hot liquid pleasure on to the sand. Hot liquid on to the sand.
Rankin's got it ready to go. We did not plan that.
I highlighted it a lot. Oh you're the one who was highlighting it. Yeah I got some huge comments I loved. Yeah wow.
Yeah so Kayleigh gets off to her friend hooking up with Nessie even though she's also hurt. Which is a complex emotion. Yeah to have. Which I like about this book. Female friendship is very complicated. You're gonna be happy for your friend and also be jealous of their fucking your boyfriend. I genuinely relate to Kayleigh a lot. Because well I grew up bi but not out so I was into some friends but didn't say anything. And I have lots of fantasies.
Not about Nessie. Not about most of the WWE superstars.
All the human stuff I liked. This is an interesting point I guess. Do you think that. Because like this is a wide genre. Do you think that it is a stand in for like LGBTQ relationships of like this is like this is the thing I can't talk about. But like. I mean she mentions a lot. She's like I feel free with him and I feel like I can be myself.
And I was super and all that. Wow. I didn't get to all these metaphors. Oh my god. This is a very symbolic book. Wow. Because she talked about how she discovered her sexuality through the Loch Ness Monster. It really was.
It stands in for a summer when you have a little fun. You try out some new stuff. And you feel more like yourself at the end. Although I get it and I like it. Although who she ends up with. What I ever suck a dick coming out of a cool way could know. But to each his own you know.
Hey Jess. What about two dicks? Uh oh. Someone's getting ahead of themselves. We're not there yet. Yeah. Moving on. So she sees it.
Next morning everybody's up. Everybody's hungry. Time to look for some berries.
They know that none of the berries will kill them because Nessie would never bring them to a place with a level of trust. She's like I know Nessie will take care of us. Nessie will provide.
Yeah. You have a crush on a celebrity. You're like they would never do that to me. Yeah. It's just yeah.
It's the logic. What do you mean? He's a monster.
Nessie would never poison us.
Yeah. It's not even like it's not like it'd be one thing if Nessie had a fridge. That's a curated thing of things. They're making these assumptions. Wait a minute. It's just beer and salsa. Yeah.
Sorry. I'm mostly just here by myself. Sorry babe. But help yourself to anything that's in there. Ew. Oh my god.
They're pig and berries together. Olivia and Kay Ray Ray sleep and she needs a little extra time. And Olivia's like I know that you were watching me and Nessie.
And Ray Ray or Kay Kay. Not Ray Ray Kay Kay is shocked.
And embarrassed. Which is a thing that I thought was very funny because like bitch you sucked off the lock. This is a lesson. Confidence carries you everywhere. Which is actually what her friend says. You were watching. That is very wise. Bitch I saw you watching me eat that monster shit. Yeah.
You should be so embarrassed. Because she's kind of like giving her shit a little bit. And Kay is just like I can't believe she's like oh she's just ragging on me.
And it's like you you saw in the graphic description of like a fountain of cum. That you saw that cum get on me. You're right.
I should be embarrassed. I was touching myself. Something that nobody does. Sorry. I have a bunch of shit in my mouth.
Don't worry. It smells like algae. So Olivia tells Kay Kay. Listen I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn't know that you had these feelings for Nessie but you got to go get yours.
And then. And then they get each other's. And that was nice. Yeah.
This is a nice scene. This was good erotic. It was good friendship. It was good tender light.
Yeah. I love friends doing it. Yeah. As I look into both of your eyes. Yes.
After the pod Jack. After the pod. Some things are for after pod.
Yeah this scene was like among the hotter scenes we've read. Like all the human scenes in this book were the hotter scenes of the books we've read on this podcast.
Definitely. Do you think that's because they're relatable. To provide sharp contrast of something wildly unrelatable to me. And then give you. I wonder if it's almost like this is wonderful because I just read about monster fucking and I hated it. These monster fucks are going to fuck everything. I do think they're genuinely well written. I think they hit on sexy things and I'm like oh I like that. Yeah.
Oh so they come out of the woods. And Ray Ray confronts Kay Kay because now she's upset.
She's like I know what you and Olivia did. Everybody's like. There's a lot of jealousy. I know what she did. There's a lot of jealousy.
Yeah. But it's also. Which I need to. Wow. Oh my god something just struck me. It's a lot about jealousy and then in the end the scene with Fergus with Fergus. Yeah. Fergus when he's like I don't belong to you and I don't care what you've done previously. Right. It was another thing that made me think it was a woman. Yeah. Because like Fergus is eminently like reasonable. There's no like there's all the like he could totally. I feel like at first written by a man he would be this like this like toxic kind of like throw people around kind of thing. Yeah. Getting jealous and instead he is like it's like you do not belong to me. You belong you all belong to the sea. Yeah. You belong to Procon.
Are we allowed to sing that? No no no. Now we can't put this up. So they have a bit of a confrontation and then Kay remembers the advice that Olivia gave her like just do it.
And that's fun to me. I do think it's a little soon. Yeah. Perhaps it seems like maybe like five minutes have passed and she just had sex with her other friend. Yeah. So for me that was a little soon. I was a little confused. By like was there like a nursing scene there? Yes.
There was a suck on the TV. She was crying. Reagan was crying into Kaylee's arms and then like she calmed her down and then Reagan started sucking on her breast.
And they were like this is the most intimate thing I've ever done with my friend. Which like one it's very funny to like because you I at least sort of forgot they were just like naked all the time. So like there are these scenes where it's like I saw what you did and like it kind of like having it out and it's like kind of like it's very funny to remember that they're just nude covered in sand like squatting and picking up berries you know like and then like but yeah like that scene was like such a hard turn of like it's like yeah like it's like oh my god like you're crying I'm trying to make you feel better. It felt gross.
Yeah. It was like is she being her mom right now? Yeah. Their skin must be so exfoliated. Yeah. From all the same.
Although they do next sunscreen and if my boobs are out in the sun that long they'd be very burnt. I think so. Because they're yeah. This is why I'm also like are these are these brown skin people because you know they're not wearing sunscreen they're on the sun all day and I don't know I've not I've never gotten sunburned.
I could I would do well on this environment. I would thrive here. This is actually where I'm supposed to be.
So then Kay and Ray Ray go and have sex with Nessie. And in one of the most surprising scenes of the books I would say. I found this scene strange. Well because Kaylee is like I want to show you something. Oh yeah.
She brings her to Nessie and and then is rubbing Nessie's tail and then the penis comes out of the cloaca. Doesn't she grab? And then they like she like grabs. Where's the cloaca at the tummy?
Below the six pack? There's no six pack.
I think I get it. Is it near his biceps or his muscular ass? That's also what I had a time with was visualizing where where on his body they were. This is the cloaca. It would be sort of like it would be sort of like like where you would expect like a genital opening to be. Family button. Like yeah. It's just sort of like lower body.
It's just like I was confused by scale because it is this like enormous monster. That's what I was very manageable dicks. It would tear you open. That thing would shred you. This is a fictional creature. You don't know how big.
Maybe that's why Nessie's like into all these human women because maybe he's not that well endowed. It's like pleasing. It's like the saddest day of like the little Loch Ness monster. Well but but there's a during this scene because because Kaylee kind of encourages Reagan to join in and the sex with Nessie and Kaylee points out that she's really proud of Reagan for taking him into her body.
Nessie has two penises by the way. A second penis comes out.
Whatever it doesn't matter. You probably should linger on that a little bit.
Did you see that coming? I did not see that coming.
I did. You did? I did. You knew?
There was too many girls. I thought there was going to be it. Why wasn't there a third one? Yeah because I was like there's three girls. There has to be at least two dicks. I guess that's why. It never even entered my mind that there would be a second dick.
No one could sit on Nessie's face?
Yeah. He eats out no one. Yeah he does it. That's another thing. He receives a lot.
Also like how would that even work? His neck is so long she could fall in the water. Like that would be weird. Yeah can't they just like. Or I guess he could have to. That would be weird.
I mean why do you need two dicks? You need them. And a tail. How were their legs situated? That's what I mean. The mechanics were a little hard. They have to be split like this. They have to be two gymnasts. Crazy core strength.
Or maybe their legs are like. They could have been knelt or maybe like legs out in front of her. Or maybe they're lying on the beach. I think it would be more uncomfortable than pleasurable for me.
I agree. I like comfort. I'm with you guys. I'll say too as the resident monster expert. Yes.
That there are animals that have like hemi-penis. Which are like two dicks. Like a northern hemi and a southern hemi.
Well more like hemi the size you would expect it to be. The size you would expect it to be.
They're like these. They're like tiny. Like snakes have them. So they have like two dick like things. But they're small and they're like very spiky. They're like these like weird.
Wait.
Snakes have two dicks? Snakes have two. Well they have two hemi-penis. Two hemi-penis.
They do. They have like these.
I didn't know this was a baby. Fucking hemi-penis so hard. Oh painful. Sorry.
No that's all. This is where I wanted it to go.
It's interesting that it's dick shaped creatures that have these. Wow. That is really interesting.
Just maybe it's like it would be too much if it had like a sort of what we think. Well the snake had a dick and just be dragging. Or being a big guy. It would be like a baby in a dangerous pouch. Or you'd just get confused.
Oh yeah. Just like a smaller snake. Yeah.
Which do I shoot? What is this? Is this the dick or is this the vibe? These are questions that Kaylee and Reagan should have asked.
Oh my god. I'm dying. I will also say I shared this with some people pre-pod but as I read this scene I was at my house and I made myself a little tuna salad. Yes! I read this and I was so sick to my stomach.
I did finish my tuna because I'm not a food waster but it was hard. Do not eat fish while reading this book. I'm about sex with fish.
There should be a horny team. You will get horny. You will get too horny.
Yeah. Don't do it. Yes! Yeah. Oh god. I mean it's so disgusting. Wait a minute but fresh fish doesn't smell. Yeah. Oh. I like that. Have you ever been near sea lions? Yes.
They smell. That's how I imagine Nessie smelling. I've been here a lot but I don't remember. They smell like old fish because they eat fish all day and then they shit it out and it smells like fish.
They're not like a hot horse. A hot horse. You can ride.
Shocking on apples all day. Gloriously. Eat delicious. Hey. Yum. Smells good. Alright.
The girls have sex with this creature.
I mean it's truly nauseating. It's soap. This thing sucks. This is soap.
Yes. I hate this. Then I thought it was hot. No! Nessie is cooing this whole fucking time. Yeah. Reagan's shaking hand reached out for Nessie's thick organ. The legendary beast let out a long long groan from his glistening cloaca second throbbing cock emerge. Sorry. So angry. Yeah. I hate that. There's another thing that's that's a little upsetting about the cooing is that it is so like juvenile.
Yes. That it's like it makes it feel like. Like if you're doing something sexual and then it's just like. Yes mommy. Yes.
Don't do that.
Kaylee looked up to says Reagan slipped the enormous rod into her slick channel slick channel. There's a lot of like interesting thesaurus use in this book. That's true. I will say I did. Southern star. I did record every of a vaginal euphemism.
Glistening garden narrow canal chasm. That's all. It's not just chasm. I think it's like something else. It's like wanting chasm or like or like stopping chasm or something like that. Yeah. I wouldn't want to have it called a chasm. It sounds too big. Yeah. No, I don't agree with that. Yeah.
Like the grand canyon. We cannot see where it begins or ends. Many men have gotten lost in this chasm.
Thank you. So he fucks him to sleep. Yeah. Which I like that. That's my favorite. Um, then Ferguson shows up. Yes.
Fergie. I can't sing. Yeah. Imagine we're singing.
And, uh, there's different combinations of people that have sex along the way. But then, uh, Kay is realizing I've fantasized about Nessie forever, but I have a real connection with that boat captain that I hung out with for five minutes and he rubbed his dick on my butt.
Yes. Uh, did we feel like this relationship was rushed? Yes.
One hard, they know nothing about each other other than that. The second time they have met, it is, they are already like, the first time is the cock and the captain's wheel. And then the second time is like fucking on the Loch Ness Island or whatever.
Fergie's pulled away sharply. His cock slipping free of Kaylee's mouth with a wet noise.
Again, everything's wet and Slurpee. Slurpee.
This is 7 11. He covered her belly and breast with his hot seed. Yeah. Uh, he also, I think, uh, uh, should be a red flag, uh, when he was sort of like, is like, Oh, I was so worried about you. Fuck your friends. He does say that. You gotta be careful with this guy. If he's that willing to dismiss your friends to death, like maybe no. He also, when they make love, uh, he comes inside of her and I don't know if she's on birth control. I don't think she is permission to do that. That's also an island.
Nessie would never let those berries are contraception. You can't miss a day or your home hormones will be fucked. Also, there's some side effects. You should know really dizzy and nauseous dry mouth, which I'll have to immediately wet.
Also, these girls in the span of the book. It's been a couple nights now and I, as I was reading, kept thinking about this poor math teacher having to call their parents like on their vacation in Cabo. We don't know where your daughter is, but they do. They do acknowledge that because I was, I was wondering about that too. It's just like these. They've been gone for a while. Like this is a problem and like towards the end of the book, they acknowledge. It was like, it was like, Oh yeah, we were like, they were worried about you.
We looked for a day and then we gave up. It's like you gave up after a day.
We searched the restaurant and they died. They died.
Well, this is sort of where the metaphor starts to really kick in towards the end of the book of like Nessie has left and Kaylee's really concerned that it's like, Oh no. Nessie saw me fucking, fucking Fergus. Yeah. And is like upset with me. Cool. But she trusts that he'll come back. Cool. What we don't see is like Nessie, like crying on a, like an old ratty couch under the lock and just like, just like watching Steel Magnolia calling a center. Calm down Nessie. I'll be right over galloping under the lake. So she's really concerned. But she, the thing she realizes is while she felt for Nessie, Nessie really just taught her what she wanted in her life, which is sex and sex with all genders. Yeah.
Which is a nice message. Go for what you want.
Olivia was right. Although, uh, yes, I did. I did write down that it did seem like, um, uh, if you know what you want, take it is an odd lesson to put in an erotic book. Yes. Oh, right. Yeah. I guess it's like flipped because it's like on the woman's side. That's fair. But it does.
It is also, I just stopped making people 18 because that's where you're still kind of like, you're kind of a child. So don't, you know, just bum to that.
She ends up with Fergus development of Ray and Kay. Kay came.
They truly did have feelings for one another. They both their childhood best friend and say it that they've always had these feelings. And I just think it would have been so much more satisfying if she was like, I just want to be with you.
I want to make this work. And I had this experience. I know. She is young, uh, you know, and if it is a story about like broadening your horizons and trying all kinds of different things and experimenting, then maybe, maybe like, you know, maybe it's to, to sort of, uh, uh, plant the seed.
No pun intended. Uh, like, oh, there'll be, there'll be, there's a greater of deeper relationship down the line. But for now it's just fuck.
Yeah, maybe there is a sequel. It recommend. I don't know if it's a sequel.
Like it actually corresponds with this book, but called moist in the moonlight. Moist in the moonlight.
Yeah. Um, that maybe could be, could be a nice spiritual sequel. Yeah. Um, wow.
Um, do we, do we reach the end? Sorry. We are at the end. The girl taking out my clock. I mean, one final fuck fest with Nessie. Yes. Um, and then he bids them a do.
And this was the person who doesn't participate. She doesn't.
And then they have sex while, while the other two are having sex with. Yes. Which I like this. Which is nice. Um, then Nessie bids them all far, fond farewell. He knows this won't be the last time they know. Yeah.
This is the part that really bothered me. He licks her goodbye, which is what made me think the dog thing. He looks her goodbye. And I'm like, don't you think that's nasty to lick your cheek goodbye? I mean, is that a kiss? I mean, look, he's a monster. When I leave for work every morning, I give my wife a big wet lick on the cheek.
And, uh, and then I trot off. Uh, no. Yeah. Cause it is, it, it, it keeps like, it keeps starting the line between like, is this like, is this your adorable animal friend? Or is this like, if Dora fucked boots, that would be strange. Yeah.
That's gotta exist too. Backpack have to exist. Me and the backpack had always been close, but not like this. Dora, I saw you in the backpack in the woods.
All right. Um, the girls go back to their life, but change forever. Yes. But not after one final little boat session for Ferg and Kay. Yeah. Which that's kind of a, a little fade out. Yeah. We're left just to imagine. Like a closing. Oh, and that's it.
That's wet for Nessie. Wow. What an experience.
Does it, um, does it feel rude if you're, um, uh, if you've been missing for three days and you finally come back to be like, I don't need to check in with anyone. We're going to fuck one last time.
Absolutely. I think it's, I think it's important. Um, what do we think of the book? Um, you have to like rate it. Oh yes. One being a drought and five being slide off your chair. Uh, and sometimes I know on the discord, people have different ratings. Um, it's all subjective. It's all objective. It's based on a vaginal secretion. So don't worry if we have maybe something a little different. Yes. It's really great that we all think differently about these books. And that's the whole point. And that's fine. Yeah.
Um, I'll say, I thought this was a lot of fun to read and it's only like 45 pages. It's like, I literally read this on a commute and I wasn't driving.
Oh my God. What's up? Two dicks. Um, uh, yeah.
I mean, I think, I think it was fun to read and I think there were some, there were some hot scenes, mostly not involving Nessie, but you know what? If you like those scenes, something for everybody. There's something for everybody. There is something for everybody.
Uh, uh, three sopping wet stars. Yeah. Don't squish them too much. Marissa, I would give it a 2.5. Yes. Because I did think, I did think the friendship stuff was cool. Yeah. Fergus was kind of a disappointment for me. Absolutely. Yeah. And the monster stuff. I think it could have heightened a little bit more.
I wanted Fergus to be the last one. I wanted that reveal. That would be actually a very good writer. For sure. Fergus was going to turn out to be the last one.
Do you think that crossed the writer's mind to do that? I, maybe like, cause like, I think that, that, that also is a thing in like erotic monster, not just like werewolves and things like that. It's like the, the sort of transformation thing. Beauty and the beast.
My favorite erotic, brings you back. Oh my God. Reiki, you can't watch this anymore. I'm so horny.
Um, yeah. And like, and they made such a point of him being like, not in the same place. Like, and it felt like, like that would knit together this sort of thing of like, oh, I have these feelings for both. And it's just like, yeah, like this is me in different forms. Um, yeah. It's felt like, felt like kind of everyone got short shrift of a relationship by splitting it between Fergus, Nessie and her friends. Yeah.
Do you think if it was the same one in the same, you'd give it a higher rating? It would be a 3.5. Squish, squish, squish. Um, I have to give it a three.
Which, so this is probably my, in terms of fun, this was definitely the most fun to read. I was screaming the whole time.
Again, thank you cutie patootie. Thank you so, thank you so much.
Um, the, I do have the caveat. The Nessie scenes are hard zero for me. Like truly nauseating. Didn't understand what's happening. To my stomach, like, you just gotta be in the mood.
You get wet for Nessie. You light some candles. You spill a bunch of fish food in the bath to simulate the feelings. You get some old seaweed and you wrap it around your arm. And then at the end of the bath, you take some boiling hot water and splash that hot seat all over your face.
The Nessie scenes were like disgusting to me. I hated it.
Yeah, they were stemming. The ultimate symbolism was nice. But the like scenes with the friends, those were hot. I appreciated the like attempts at like subtle friendships and like actual friendship concerns.
Um, I wish she didn't end up with Fergus as well. Um, and I wish that they were all older. Yeah, I probably would have given it like maybe even a four.
Yeah, what if it was the shape of water guy? I have no interest in him. I don't think if Nessie was like, I mean, I don't know what Nessie had in hot body would look like a super long neck. He's got abs. Really muscular man's body that would still look disgusting. Like I'm not into the monster shit at all. It's just weird that he has a big long neck.
Yeah. Maybe man had Nessie body. Fine. Uh, I think everybody's right.
Cause on just the regular sex and story, I give a five, but those Nessie scenes are so stomach turning. We got a zero and we averaged that out. We got a 3.5.
So 3.5 is, but I truly enjoyed it so much. I would definitely recommend it.
You simply have to with your friends, whatever with a lover. It doesn't matter before you read it or never. I don't know.
Thank you so much. Thank you. Our experts for being with us. Truly the greatest minds in our office. Yes. Um, thank you everyone for watching.
And then next we have lined up. Forgive me for another kind of fantasy world that we're in, but I'm just having a little fun. Uh, we have the Necromancer.
Yum.
Uh, the Necromancer Chronicles erotic fantasy book one by DR Rossier. It is a dollar 99 on Amazon. Consider it the sexiest cup of coffee you'll have, uh, all week. Uh, we'd love for you to keep reading along and keep putting comments in the discord.
Uh, or if you're, yeah. Um, yeah.
And if you're watching on CH two, it's great meeting you on here. Hopefully you can join us on drop out and hang out with us in the discord because we're having so much fun doing this. Thank you everybody for being here.
And here's a little pitch. If you have an idea of what you think Nessie looks like, please put it in the fan art channel. Love to see your ideas. Maybe I'll draw one and put it in there because I'm going to draw what I've been thinking. Amazing pieces of fantasy high and it's like a stick figure of like an ab nessie with like two tips.
Don't put context around it because we don't want anyone else in the discord in fantasy high and cartoon fantasy high fantasy high at Brennan Lee Mulligan, please. Bless you all. Good night. Hi, I'm Jess. If you liked that, subscribe to drop out where you can become a part of the exclusive dropout discord. I can even tell you my secret for solving one of these. Just take this. Oh genius. All right. Who's the smarty pants now? |
SaturdayNightLive | convent_meeting_snl | Sisters, Sisters, gather round at once. I have some very disturbing news. Is everyone present?
Now, I'm sorry for disrupting our morning prayers, but something very upsetting has come to my attention. you found my Cain and Abel Fanfic? What? No. I'm afraid that there's may have been a man posing as a Nun hiding amongst us in order to sleep with other nuns. What?
Oh, no. this is horrible. I cannot believe someone would violate our trust and our sacred covenant with God. I know, I know. this is so rude. whoever is doing that, you are very bad. Stop it. Yeah, I bet they're bad. it's so, so good.
I bet they can't do it again in the garden right after lunch. I take that bet.
Sisters, no gambling. we need to focus on finding the man hidden amongst us and force him to repent. Yeah, he need to repent me over the dining room table again and blow my whole rosary out. What was that, Sister Genevieve?
I said present. Yeah, and I said present me with that wiener again, and you can call me Joey Chestnut with how fast I gobble it down.
Sisters, can we please focus on the evil man trying to corrupt our precious virgin souls? Sadly, this man or woman is clearly so sexy that even God cannot stop him. we need to think about the Virgins. spend time with the virgins. give the virgins everything we got. Besides, I heard God can't see it as long as you do it in the bell tower and the man uses his penis to ring the bell and yell, ding Dong. Sadly, ding dong is what I also bow down on. I don't know why everyone's not more outraged. whoever is agreeing to have S-e-x with this man is just as guilty as he is. Yeah, or maybe there's one nun who's getting none. excuse me? yeah, maybe it's because she's all little string bean, and when he tried to hit the bell with his penis, it doesn't go ding dong. it goes wah wah.
Final chance to confess. Yeah, confess. whoever you are, you beautiful monster, you sexual king, just admit what you did. I confess, it was me. I was the one who corrupted these poor women with my lips and my hips, And I was the one who rang the bell with my penis and yelled, Ding Dong.
Sister Kevin, how could you portray us like this? I know. this is probably the worst sex scandal in the history of the church, but look on the bright side. before I got there, here, all these sisters just mumbled, our father, and now they are screaming, oh, God. Sister Kevin, I'm afraid you must leave this convent at once. But please, Mother Superior, can't he stay and sleep with us for a few more weeks? it is almost Halloween.
Yeah, please. Well, I suppose we are in a very isolated part of Austria, and it is almost Halloween. Oh, f it, why not?
Sister Kevin can stay. Now let's go, sisters. I think I'm ready for the second coming. Sister Ashley, Kevin gone wild, coming straight to Peacock against Whoopi's wishes. |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_destroy_a_fan_of_the_office | Hey, thanks for coming, man. I can never get anyone to watch this with me. Yeah, man. I love The Office.
How many times have you seen it? Uh, once, I think. I've seen it nine times. Once for every season.
Wow. That's crazy. I can quote every line.
Don't believe me? No, no. I believe you.
False. Black Bear. Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought. Okay, cool, man. Fact.
Bears eat beets. Great. Bears. Beets.
Bad Bath and Beyond. Hey, um, is something different? Michael, please. Different how? It's just, it's not how I remember. Please, give me a second chance. I know Crentist isn't a real dentist.
See, right there. Do you remember that? Yeah, man. It's hilarious. What? That never happens. He's fine to me. I thought you knew every line. I mean, I do.
It's just, I'm crazy. I'm crazy.
Yes, God. Let's just keep watching. Yes, God, please.
Who's that? Who's that woman? Her.
Right there. What do you mean?
That's Trish. Trish? Yeah. I've never even heard of Trish. Everybody knows Trish. It's in the theme song. Everybody knows Trish.
Whoa. Hey. Hey, buddy. What's up? Look, man.
I built my whole personality around this show. These characters and their stories, they're all I have, but everything's different somehow. And if I don't know The Office, then I don't know who I am.
Oh. Hey, man. I know what that's like.
Really? No. Not at all. But how about we watch something else?
Maybe that'll cheer you up. Yeah. Okay. All right. How about Friends? Yeah. That's my second favorite show. Great. Let's do it. Friends. Oh, come on! Hey, guys.
Big announcement. Wizards with Guns just got the streaming rights for The Office. I know. It's pretty crazy. But it's true. So feel free to subscribe for more Jim, Dwight, and Pam. Thanks. |
cracked | the_king_of_all_pirates_was_actually_a_queen_the_history_of_madam_ching | I have nothing left to give you in the divorce, Charlene. I'm in a void. Go ahead, take half of my infinite nothing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Mr. Mayor, yeah, we'll do that. Okay, bye. Love you, I love you.
Today's lesson is about one of the most ruthless and indomitable figures in history, the female pirate, Madame Ching. Sounds like you know a thing or two about a woman taking your money. Yeah, because of your ex-wife. Even before she married into pirate life, Madame Ching had a remarkable business savvy. As a sex worker on a floating brothel, she would collect and trade secrets from her clients, accruing influence and fortune long before she started pillaging.
Ooh, that's today's word of the day. Give me everything you've got. What could you be talking about? I have exactly zero possessions or dignity. It's a snazzy-looking sweater. Oh, come on.
In 1805, Madame Ching, her pirate husband and his adopted son pulled off an incredible feat, uniting six pirate confederations into one mega-zord of marauders. That was the start of a very confusing family dynamic. It's time for a game of historical fuck, marry, or kill. Okay, Clacko, pretend you are Madame Ching. Fuck, marry, kill. Your husband, your adopted son, tens of thousands of innocent people. Ooh. Okay, marry my husband, fuck my adopted son, then fuck marry my adopted son-husband, and then kill tens of thousands of innocent people. Holy shit. For once, your twisted little brain is actually absolutely right. Madame Ching had a sexual relationship with her adopted son, Zheng Bao, even when her original husband was still alive. When he died, the two married, and Madame Ching assumed the leadership of their gigantic pirate army.
She ruled with an iron fist, doling out decapitations at the slightest hint of mutiny. Mutiny, that's today's word of the day. You can't have two words of the day.
Yeah, you can. Yeah, I just found out. Yeah, it's crazy.
By 1809, Madame Ching and her fleet were responsible for untold thousands of deaths, and they were swimming in cold, bloody booty. She even shared 20% of it with her crew of over 70,000 men. Somebody call Charlene, she'll wanna know I'm hogtied. The Chinese Imperial Army was outmatched, and they knew it. So when Madame Ching decided she wanted to retire at the ripe age of 35 with her ships and booty, they agreed.
35, yikes, am I right? Doesn't matter. Look, the government actually let her keep the ill-gotten gains that she pilfered from the gorgeous tiny little history, but it's a tale as old as time.
Let's get that girl, Boston, here to teach us how to slay. No, do no, no, no, my girl. Listen, just because she is strong does not mean that she is a good role model. No one takes Madame Ching hostage.
Who is the captain of this ship? Well, I guess it depends on the segment. I am. Although I have nothing to give you, I will follow you to the end of the Earth. You're absolutely right, she's very charismatic.
No, you're just a scared little boy. Madame Ching, what do you have to say to all the little girls out there who wanna be a girl boss like you? Oh, work hard, kill without hesitation, and it never hurts to diversify your portfolio. Um, sorry to call you out, girlie, but what about your three big no-nos?
You know, no pirate should go ashore alone, no pirate should steal from the communal booty, and no pirate should mistreat a female captive or they will immediately face decapitation. Common misconception. Those are actually the moral codes of my adopted son husband, Zhang Bao. But trust me, I have plenty of strict codes and you're breaking just enough of them to make my sword thirsty. Do you trust this one? His insolence and ignorance, smack of a mutineer.
Ha ha ha ha, that's the word of the day. Ooh, okay. Time to go.
Be honest with me, do you think she would date me? I know I'm not her adoptee, but I could get the paperwork going.
No, let's just do the outro, big guy. Yep, yep, for sure, we'll circle back on that. |
cracked | 4_horror_movies_even_scarier_than_you_realized_horror_movie_debate | I want to say about Candyman, I went and saw it with my friend Brandon Scott-Jones, and there's a scene in this movie where Xander Berkeley, he has to authentically, accidentally say the name Helen three times. Helen's dead and he's just like, Helen. We said this is the hardest acting exercise. We invented this acting exercise called the three Helens, where you just have to try to say Helen three times, make it seem natural and don't laugh.
Welcome back to Staff Picks. I'm Danielle Radford, and we are back at the Archive in Bridgeport, Connecticut, and I am back with our special guests, Milly Tamarez and Connor Ratliff, along with my co-host, Patrick Willems.
And today, we are getting spooky, oh no, to get us started. Patrick, what'd you pick for your horror? I brought a weird movie from the mid-90s.
Are these organized at all?
Oh man, Wolf, the movie where Jack Nicholson is a wolf. I am picking this. I brought Wolf, starring Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer. The movie where Jack Nicholson is a werewolf. There was this kind of funny trend in the early to mid-90s where Columbia Pictures decided that they wanted to make classy horror movies for adults by major directors that might win Oscars. Mike Nichols, director of films such as The Graduate, made Wolf, a movie where Jack Nicholson, an editor at a publishing company, gets attacked by a wolf, and he starts developing wolf-like tendencies and growing more hair. And at one point in the movie, and this is my big pitch for why I think it should win, he pees on James Spader, and also starts becoming very attractive to Michelle Pfeiffer, who is, this isn't quite Catwoman, but she kind of becomes more animalistic as the thing goes on. There is a werewolf battle in the climactic scene. One of the great pleasures in cinema is watching Jack Nicholson really go crazy, and he really goes crazy here.
It is Mexican programming. All right, Millie, what do you got for us?
Yeah, you know, I really thought through two things. I thought, one, what was actually terrifying for me? And two, what also caused the sexual awakening? This one I might pick, I do not like horror. This does things to me sexually.
For now, Willard, the guy who plays Willard, he also plays the dad in Back to the Future. It's not everyone's type, but it's, he does things. And actually, a lot of rats is a nightmare. I'm gonna have to go with Willard. We love a creepy guy who looks a little crazy, and rats are gross and scary. I could not think of a more scary film, except for Joe's Apartment, which is the same thing as Willard's, except roaches. And that's somehow a comedy, I think not.
Crispin Glover, who is the dad, right? Yep, in Back to the Future. In Back to the Future, who I thought was really hot.
The creepiest, scariest part about this movie is that it features the song Ben, which is the song Michael Jackson wrote about his pet rat that his dad fucking killed. It's so dark and gory and sad, and maybe possibly the only authentic friend Michael Jackson had, and he made that song, and now it's in this fucking movie that's creepy as hell.
So there we go, Willard. And now Ben is stuck in my head, and will be for the rest of the night.
So as for me, for my horror pick, went with a classic, it's one of my favorite horror movies, well we don't have a soft core porn category, but if we did, that would be for this one. There's a lot of soft core porn. There is a lot of soft core porn.
Hey, like it's, look, ooh, you know what?
I'm gonna do Cabin in the Woods. I actually genuinely really, really enjoy this movie. Ah, no, Cabin in the Woods is great.
Candyman's more of a classic. Candyman.
Speaking of creepy things, lots of bees. That's one thing me and Nic Cage have in common, don't like the bees, get the bees away from me.
Tony Todd is amazing. He has that voice just all the time in real life. I don't know how he hasn't lost his voice yet.
Aside from obviously it deals with a lot of social issues either in Chicago, it's really scary, but it's that kind of scary where it's also like a little sexy. And so he tries to make out with you and then, oh no, bees. But before that, it's almost like, oh, I can be seduced by this man and then bees.
For me, I saw it as a kid and it was terrifying. I remember kids trying to go do the Candyman Candyman, not gonna say it three times because I'm looking into something that could be considered a mirror, but kids would go and do that. And I would be like, not in my house, you do not bring the devil in here. Kids are stupid. We're not inviting Tony Todd over to the crib.
But this was so good that it obviously, like it got, I guess like a sequel spiritual remake. A requel, there we go. It does that great thing that a lot of horror movies do where you really do feel sympathy for the devil because of the things that like he went through, but also like you can't just steal a white woman and bury her under a mountain of like wood and set it on fire.
Like you just can't do that. You can't do that to any woman, but they'll find the white woman.
The Candyman Candyman. Well, that's why they have this song. Yeah, it's true. Also, great score by Philip Glass. Yes. Ellen. All right, Connor, what did you bring us for horror?
Well, I'm a slow browser and I take a long time to make decisions. And this is a timed exercise. And I really ran out of time. Tony, I got 30 seconds left. We hit the time limit. So I'm going to give you 30 seconds. Okay.
Everything I was seeing, I saw Ghostbusters 2. I thought that's not going to do it for me. I like Ghostbusters 2, but it just, I was looking for the perfect pick. At some point I'd seen The Shining on one of the shelves. I couldn't remember where I'd seen it. That would have been a classic pick obviously. And then I got it in my head that I wanted to pick something like Eraserhead or Lost Highway by David Lynch. Well, couldn't find anything that technically is horror.
Let me go with the horrors of aging. I picked The Straight Story by David Lynch. The Chicago Tribune described us the sweetest and most compassionate movie Lynch has ever made. That could still be a horror movie. Honestly. Now I do want to make this pitch legitimately for this, that there is the horror genre, of course, but there is perhaps no greater horror in this world than the horrors of aging. And this is a movie about a very old man who rides a tractor across the country to see his also very old brother. And in the final moments of the movie, they talk about their experiences in World War II, which were horrific.
What's straight about it? His name is Alvin Strengs, and this is his story. Oh, okay, okay. Also, presumably he drives that tractor in like mostly a straight line. It's a little curvy every now and then.
Also, suppose if you were like someone who's really into like what David Lynch usually does, and then you'd be like, ooh, twisted David Lynch, and you put this on, you might be scared because it's very different. I do think that if you watch this movie and think of it as a horror movie, you will experience it as such. It is also, I should say, a Walt Disney Pictures production, and it is rated G. It's documented on tape, me picking this in essentially overtime.
I said, how many seconds do I have left? And I was told, you are out of time.
I grabbed the straight story. Oh my God. And I think it should be in the store. I think it should be in the horror section. I'm just hearing the Sonic music when like Sonic's about to drown. I just like, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.
I do like how we've got rats, bees, wolves, aging. Yeah, I'm more scared of this than any of those. To tie, you know? Give me some wolves, give me some bees. I mean, to tie in the other episode, so are many of the Real Housewives. They are also scared of aging, and many people are, and hence Botox, so. Yeah, legitimate. People do spend more money trying to get rid of aging than they do trying to get rid of wolves or bees. That is true. And I see rats every day.
Although, terrifying man in the middle part. Yeah, but we don't know where- Scary, sexy? Old white man in a cowboy hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't know where he's part in it? Well, we don't know where he was on January 6th, 2021. I have some ideas.
Dude, he was dead, he was fully dead. Yeah, Candyman was the last movie I saw in a movie theater, this version, before the pandemic hit, like days before the pandemic hit.
It's still hard to get to that third Helen. I think I tweeted at Xander Berkeley about this because we were talking about this scene. Did Xander Berkeley reply to your tweet? Yeah, he said it was hard to do.
There you go, from the man himself. There you go.
I think it's more than three, because three you could get to. I think it might be five. Yeah, because you could do like a disappointed parent like, oh, Helen, Helen, Helen. It's five? Definitive is five. Yeah, so that's the thing. Three is easy. Getting to that fourth and fifth one- Does it have to be a head shaking like Helen, Helen, Helen? It's whatever.
You're grief-stricken because she's gone, but you're also by yourself, and you're in the bathroom. So you gotta find a reason to say Helen five times in the bathroom, mournfully.
You mix it up a little. It's a really hard acting exercise. Does it have to be just Helen in a row? Just Helen in a row. Because if you break it, that's why the Candyman system, five is like a two-step verification for like, it's like, you're not gonna act.
Beetlejuice you might accidentally bring him because you say it three times. No, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
But Candyman is like very responsible. It's like, you don't call him unless you're calling him. It's very responsible, I think. That's like having him on speed dial. You're not butt dialing. Yeah, you don't butt dial Candyman.
I feel like, are we putting in Candyman? No, wait, that was just a fun thing to talk about. Candyman. Anyway, he's all in on the straight story. It's got too many special features.
Who cares about them? Anyway, you don't even want them.
When you were describing Wolf, it sounded like a comedy. There is funny stuff in it. There's dramatic stuff in it. There is a big fight scene, so there's action, but it's horror the most. But there's a lot about publishing. There is. Which is documents. It's a documents movie. And you also have him then running around in all fours through Central Park and attacking people. Yeah, that sounds hilarious. It is a weird movie, to be very clear. Even though I feel like this is very scary, I'm happy to concede.
Wow. All right. Connor, would you mind reading the one review quote? Oh yeah, yeah. One how of a movie says James Shallow on NBC today. Not how, how. What the how? Thank you so much. Here's the thing about Wolf. It doesn't even have a description. Yeah. It doesn't tell you what the plot is or anything. All it gives you is one how of a movie. What do you want to say about Straight Story, Connor? It's a winner. This DVD comes with a note from the director. Oh my God. What?
David Lynch says, I know that most DVDs have chapter stops. It is my opinion that a film is not like a book. It should not be broken up. It is a continuum and should be seen as such. Thank you for your understanding, David Lynch. That is a horror director move because he's saying right there, you are trapped in this movie.
Also, David Lynch, what's the weather like tonight? Tonight, it will be reasonably wet, but mostly dry.
I think Wolf is a blast. Absolute blast.
But also for horror, I think Candyman is the best actual horror movie. Absolutely. And it has the most special features by far. I mean. But I will not relent. I feel like I vote for Candyman. Candyman is obviously amazing. It is the most, I'd say, pure, like horror horror movie of all of these, but you're going to be able to find Candyman basically everywhere.
But I will say we did pick Erin Brockovich. That is true. It's a balance between, right? Like things that we can find easily and also what is the best representation of this thing. I don't think they all have to be like really obscure movies. I mean, here's the thing. All of these were released by major Hollywood studios. That's a Disney movie. That's wild. My pitch for the straight story is that you, yes, sure, you can find it, but in a horror section? This is the choice that you clearly put the least thought into and just desperately grabbed at a random movie.
And now we're pitching harder than anything else you've done this whole time. Right, because I've had no success. Trying a different strategy. I am like a cornered rat.
Connor's going hard for the straight story. Yes. Daniel, you want to vote for Candyman? I also agree that Candyman's a better choice, but that doesn't change what I'm saying. I will say if I can not vote for straight story, I will. You are not, there's no way I get your vote for straight story. You're voting for literally anything but straight story. I think so, yeah.
All right, well, it can't win. It can't win. There's no path to victory.
Danielle, is there any world where you would vote for straight story? I'm really trying to get there. No, Danielle. Just like Alvin Straight. He's trying to get there. That's what the movie's about. You know, Danielle, we gotta be black women in every vote in America and do the right thing and not vote for the ridiculous choice.
Whoever went wrong voted against sweetness and compassion. Since when has sweetness and compassion ever been a winning strategy?
It's gotta be Candyman. Candyman.
Yeah. Give me your Helens. She's dead. You're in the bathroom. You're alone. Helen. Are you on the toilet saying Helen?
That was like a Helen speed run. It was good. Interesting strategy. It's a good strategy. I'm gonna take some acting inspiration from a Mr. Tommy Wiseau. Helen, Helen, Helen, Helen, Helen.
That was five. Imagine that she comes back and then finds just you dead. That's five. I got that last one. That last one. You got that one. That was the heartstrings one.
Conner, I feel like you gotta go. Mr. Example. Stupid. Wow. |
dropout | Welcome_to_Bug_News_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California. The only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News.
Buzz, buzz, bugs. Welcome to Bug News. The show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh and we're all bugs.
Yeah! Yes!
Buzz, buzz. I just took a DNA test. Turns out I'm 100% that bug.
Yeah!
Let's, excuse me. Let's get to today's top stories, getting squished. Experts say you may be at a higher risk if you're always zipping around all over the damn place. Just cool it, my God. There's no need to be going anywhere fast.
We are bugs. Florida millipede has been arrested after stealing a riding mower from a Walmart, which it then immediately drove into the ocean. Florida, am I right? Also millipedes. Oh, yeah. Racist but true.
Now a genuine question, has anyone out there ever seen a big bug try to fly around in the rain? I feel like that would be crazy. The droplets would probably push it down, but it would still be able to get where it's going, I think. No way to know for sure.
Another horrific genocide for the wasp community as a millionth nest on a wooden playground was destroyed today.
Gotta start building them, building them somewhere else, squad. Go off, king. Here we are, to here now. We now go to the moth for some thoughts on flames, ma. Thanks, guys.
What's the deal with flames? So hot. Why so hot? You can never touch flames. Why? Why so hot?
Perfect sign, fellas. So good. Like a moth to the flame. When you're right, you're right.
We take things now to Dung Beetle, who's live at the Poop Eating Festival, as we understand it. Ready to eat some poop, Dung?
Oh. Thanks, guys.
I've been gearing up for this day all year, and boy, I couldn't be more excited to eat some poop live. While many might be embarrassed at the concept of doing something like this, well, with it being recorded and easily GIF-able, I truly couldn't be more excited. I'm into this. I would be doing it in my free time if I weren't here right now. Well, here I go.
Oh, my God. This is my actual nightmare. Stop eating like that. Stop enjoying it. God. I literally am gonna freak out if I look at that.
Some guys get all the luck. I wish I could eat poop right now. Well, you're in luck. The festival has provided more than enough poop for everybody.
Oh. Oh, fantastic. I just took a DNA test, turns out.
I'm up to eat some poop. This is my memory. Oh, no. How is it wet and dry at the same time? Remember how I said I can't eat breakfast? Hey, guys, is there something in my teeth?
That's all for us here at Breaking News. This week's loser is unfortunately Elaine. No. Have a great week, everyone. Damn it. I said I wasn't gonna lose this one. Eat shit, Elaine. |
dropout | Why_Did_You_Give_a_Wedgie_to_Malala_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California. The only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News. The show where we don't know what we're about to say and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm David Scott. And I'm here too.
You sure are. I made it. You sure did. All the way to the big news. Hey, you know something? I'm proud of you. I'm proud of me too. Settle down. I understand you have a special announcement.
Yes, for every time I smile or laugh, I will draw LOL on my face. And I want you all to keep me honest on that. So feel free to call me out. Beautiful, I absolutely will.
Okay. That brings us to our top story. Since 1901. Sorry, that was weird. Since 1901, the way people normally say that, the Nobel Peace Prize has been given to 107 people and you've given three of them wedgies. Is that correct? Yes. I've given wedgies to Barack Obama, the Dalai Lama and Malala Yousafsky.
Why? Why did you do it? Yeah. Why did you do it? Why did you give a wedgie to Malala? Why would you do that?
Yeah, she just became an adult. So proud of yourself for knowing a Nobel Laureate and then forgot the in-world logic of why you were saying these names. That's disgusting. I thought she deserved it. All right, yeah, she had it coming, that lady.
And remind us what each of them were awarded Nobel Peace Prizes for. Peace. Your move.
Oh, even that made me laugh, all right. Wow, they sound really nice. Yeah, that's probably why it was so easy to punk their asses.
Yes, I'm ringside where just now Billy Jones took down Johnny Bills. Jones was nearly DQ'd after the HW used BJJ to KO Bills, but in a UD, the UFC said the TD was okay.
Ashton, dumb that down for us. What does DQ stand for in that sentence? Ashton. Yeah. So proud of yourself for getting through that big jumbled speech and then all of a sudden you gotta come back around, don't you? DQ stands for fucking Dairy Queen. And HW? How would one get to Dairy Queen?
And BJJ. Blowjob job. And KO? Knockout, that one I do know. And UD? Uterine device. And UFC?
Ultra fried chicken. And TD? To dine on ultra fried chicken.
And okay? Original knife. Cool. Now can you repeat the sentence replacing all the acronyms with whatever you just said they stand for? Love to, of course. To reiterate what we all already knew, Jones was nearly Dairy Queened after the how would one get to Dairy Queen used blowjob job to knock out Bills, but in a uterine device, the ultra fried chicken said the to dine on ultra fried chicken was original knife. Wow. All right, you're legit. Riveting stuff.
But I say, fuck him. Fuck Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and the rest of those moonwalking freaks. Fuck the moon. What a waste of taxpayer dollars. Jamie, it seems like you're not a fan of the moon. That's right, I fucking hate the moon for these five specific reasons.
Holes, too many holes. It's silver, it keeps me up at night, so fucking bright. Three, it's looking at you. You don't know that it's not, you can't prove that it isn't.
Four, people go there and they've never invited me to come because I think I have medical things that disqualify me for being an astronaut. Five, their suits are ugly and when they wear them and they go to the moon. Shut up.
I like the moon. I like the moon so much, I wrote some slam poetry about it, which I'm going to recite now on my Instagram live right now.
Why do I keep doing this show? Do it. I don't know how. How do I do it? I think that's my story. Oh shit. I've never gone live.
You gotta do it. You're about to. You gotta do it.
And what am I, I'm reciting slam poetry about the moon? Yes. Why you like the moon. In defense of the moon.
All right. Don't get me in it.
The moon, the night, the darkness of the sky. There's no sense in its sandiness, but we seek its sandiness in any event. We have to go back. We have to look for space. My God, the night, the dark.
Keep going. I can't believe how many people are watching. How many people? Right now, 140 people are watching. Oh, it's going to go way up. You have to keep going.
When I look at the darkness, I see myself. When I look at the sky, I see the light.
When I combine the two, I get the moon. And when I find the moon, I find the mission. The mission, which is loveliness.
Well, bye everyone. Well, that's all the time we have.
A special congrats to our employee of the week. This week, Carolyn, we aren't supposed to laugh or smile and you lost. As your punishment, you have to write LOL in big letters across your phone.
Yeah, yeah. Here, catch. Oh shit, that was the worst throw.
The darkness, I see myself. When I look at the sky, I see the light.
When I combine the two, I get the moon. And when I find the moon, I find the mission. The mission, which is loveliness.
Well, bye everyone. Well, that's all the time we have.
A special congrats to our employee of the week. This week, Carolyn, we aren't supposed to laugh or smile and you lost. As your punishment, you have to write LOL in big letters across your phone.
Yeah, yeah. Here, catch. Oh shit, that was the worst throw. Woo. |
TheOnion | Activists_Release_Horrifying_Video_Showing_How_Meat_Products_Are_Eaten | The footage you are about to see is real. While disturbing, it documents the way meat is actually consumed in restaurants, homes, vehicles, and street corners. Crammed into tiny barstools, cramped diner booths, and filthy cars where moving their limbs is either uncomfortable or impossible, hundreds of thousands of consumers rip apart chicken wings or tear off bites of heroes and hamburgers every single day, often to the point of bloating, belching, and outright physical pain. In many cases, barbecue sauce or hamburger juice will literally dribble down these poor beasts' mouths and onto their shirts. Their cheeks and fingers will become smudged with oily condiments, their beards thick with pungent grease. Treated as little more than machines to be stuffed full of smoked pork, marinated chicken, and dry-aged beef, consumers are forced to wait in long lines, often while still fully conscious, before buying their meat and ripping it off the bone with their mouths in plain view of other consumers. This was deemed legal and standard by the food industry. The majority of meat consumers are often prodded to ingest vastly more than their bodies can handle thanks to cruel promotions like 25-cent wing nights and family-sized buckets of chicken. Help stop the brutality by visiting ConsumerTumor.org. |
dropout | honest_game_night | Knock knock. Oh, hey, come in come in come in.
It's very important to me that this goes well that everyone has a good time Thanks, I'm gonna do my best to ruin it by being overly competitive great, and I'm already uncomfortable competition triggers my social anxiety Me a tube wrote to go to the movies are eat out so this was literally our only option I didn't eat before I came so I'm just gonna go to town on your snacks as if this were my dinner Help yourself all that food is very very old We have a couch with no back support, and if you don't like that two folding stools with no back support, so make yourselves uncomfortable Let's get started. I have a new game here that I love that you've never heard of fun employed I don't know it so I already don't like it now You may know that I have a deep craving for order and control in my life So I'm gonna read all the directions allowed to you in this boring monotone voice that will make you immediately tune everything I'm saying out I don't care now that you have all heard the directions I assume you know how the game works perfectly and if you mess up a little bit I'm gonna get very irritated I'm gonna sit this one out because I have a fear of failure Not only am I going to ignore your request, but I'm gonna put you on the spot and make you go first Hey you Cynthia you drew for a job. You know nothing about I know there's no wrong answer here But I'll make it wrong because I'm my own worst enemy Yep, literally the worst thing crippling anxiety Okay, yeah, yeah, I'm interrupting because I was not paying attention when you explain the rules of the game And I have no idea what is going on Okay. Well, uh, I'm politely re-explain the rules to everyone while I suppress the deep rage That's boiling inside me. Does everyone understand now?
No.
No cheese puffs All right, my turn my turn. I don't know how turns work, but I'm gonna demand to go right now. Okay, uh uh interview for a job, you know a lot about Wow, okay, um Time to get really smug. I have a theater degree and I'm going to prove it. Oh, I'm really milking this I'm sorry You made a small technical error that I just made up because you're kind of annoying me and I don't want you to win What I'm irrationally angry. Well, I'm irrationally angry This is my health. Well now that everyone's distracted with the game. I'm going to help myself to anything in the kitchen I'm quoting something from the rules that is ambiguous but supports my point of view and I'm gonna start putting the cards away Hey, sorry that I'm not sorry that I'm late However, I do feel like I could just jump right in the middle of the gameplay, you know midway through the round No, but you can join us for the next round There's another round. I I won I won. Oh, I needed this from my sense of self-worth you guys.
They're all sleeping Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor the video you just watched was sponsored by fun employed the party game of real jobs and unreal Qualifications players take turns interviewing for a normal job while trying to fit in unusual traits Can you justify your peg leg to become an astronaut or your tentacles to become a child actor? It's as much fun as a job interview usually isn't |
cracked | 5_bizarre_ways_the_world_can_kill_you_without_warning_spit_take_theater | And speaking of amazing things happening before we're ready for them... And the first one's for a picture of a dad and was kissing for an issue. But then I had to hold his hand and then I put my arm around it. Now, if this scene happened in a movie, first of all, it wouldn't because movie monsters don't accidentally swallow people like a stray french fry on a basket of onion rings, but if it did, you'd get tense strings letting you know that something terrifying and genre appropriate was about to happen.
But reality has no genres. In reality, you get an upside-down hailstorm of fish in two Mississippies to realize they're probably swimming away from something that looks way more terrifying than you. To fish, you look like a starving manatee in a spacesuit. That's the thing about reality.
There are several million remorseless animals, vehicles, and just straight crazy motherfuckers in reality that movies aren't even allowed to show you. Movies follow rational, causational, logical stories. Reality prefers to sculpt haunting, dream-contaminating scenes of spectacular action and horror movie violence out of the clear blue mundanity of everyday life. Some causes of death are just too awful and meaningless to appear in anything with a plot, other than a Final Destination movie. So anything with a plot.
The highway is only dangerous for people who don't keep their eyes open and their head on a swivel. It's not like cars just come teleporting out of nowhere. Okay, cars do that now, apparently. That car comes screaming out of a fold in the universe like the universe has just decided that that person behind that specific dashcam needs to be deleted from all future family Christmas photos. They're just lucky they weren't staring at their phone like approximately 40% of the people driving in LA are doing right now.
Oh, did I say lucky? I meant they were practicing basic human survival skills. Speaking of...
When shambling past neighbor's houses on the way to Little Caesars, the last thing on your mind is to watch where I'm going because there could be a creature of fashion from claw bones and violence that rarely misses an opportunity to eat a human face, clear off its grinning skull, just sort of hanging outside of the Johnson's house. He made his way over to the driveway over on Mayfield. He came down that driveway, on Mayfield, and now he's on Briggs, and now it looks like he's turning into another driveway here. We're going to kind of maneuver around and see if we can get another shot of him, but yeah, he would definitely... Um, there's a person walking right there!
Stuffing a giant sheet in a backpack and throwing yourself out of an airplane miles above the earth. Probably the most butt-f***ing crazy thing we know how to do as a species. Enthusiasts claim the experience offers a mind-clearing rush. The gift of blankness, as it's referred to by the Eastern philosopher Bodhi in the movie Point Break. Every day minutia has a way of shutting the hell up when you're in the drop zone, as it's referred to by drop zone. Life becomes a very simple multiple choice question. A, jump, yank, what seems like tremendous groin pain, and then exhilarating relief because you made it. Or B, jump, yank, no groin pain, oh shit no groin pain, lots of screaming waving at the ground, and then less of that all of a sudden.
Occasionally a relentless undercover agent and Gary Busey get involved, but even then, it's still just the two basic options. Death doesn't get to be like, yeah see there's this third option.
Sometimes your plane belly flops onto another plane that wasn't there a second ago, and everything explodes. You'd suspect that free falling in a cloud of erupting jet fuel would be the sort of worst case scenario skydiving instructors wouldn't have the balls to bring up, but you'd be wrong, you fool. Everyone survived, both pilots, including the last one seen here showing off how this plane can do cartwheels with only one wing. The other pilot, the people tumbling through a sky full of flaming tomahawking wreckage. That is just every fear of flying rolled together in five impossible seconds, like a carousel of nightmares specifically designed to sell train tickets. Everyone safely landed on the ground to be shockingly normal-looking. ZZ as the 90s made it to dismiss skydivers, and as much as their instructors might have looked like Duff from Guns N' Roses dressed up as Dale Earnhardt, that guy's instructors instructor's instructor, learned to do this shit during World War II, because the human catapult the military designed for dropping troops behind enemy lines kept killing everybody. Also, paratroopers were good at helping steer the bombs. That was their version of smart bombs.
With so much drama in the LFC, it's kind of hard being clipped numero uno. See? Point is, this show is about the world leaping out of nowhere and grabbing you where you least expect, but now you know that sometimes the world grabs your butthole. How are we supposed to surprise you? What you're watching is the final blood-curdling chapter in our ghoulish grimoire. Just an ordinary man wearing his ordinary helmet cam. When?
A truck full of horses blindsides him out. Oh wait, sorry, no, that's... that was number six. That was the last one we cut. You do kind of have to admire the way the guy driving the horse truck keeps going and just merges back into traffic. He's like, actually, I didn't like the prices at that gas station. Let's go, horses. That's certainly unexpected, but this needs to bring the terror. This is numero uno.
No!
You stop it, Shia. Why are you staring at that guy? Why do I get the feeling you've been staring at that motorcyclist since he left his house that morning?
Good, how are you? So what? Is this just how he thinks people interact with each other at traffic lights? I guess we'll never know. Well, as they say, the best way to make the world laugh? Make plans. And now we know how to make the world sit down on the floor of an abandoned insane asylum and rock back and forth muttering to itself about Shia LaBeouf's eyes, following you around like a f***ing haunted painting. We're interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall. What works, what doesn't, so on.
The guys are horrible. Terrible.
I got a hundred messages in an hour. The messages I receive, holla, I'd go Pac-Man on that word for vagina I don't like using. I tear that ass up. Penis.
Finalove.net saw solid financial commitments from 11 new investors today. Nice work today, monkeys.
We've had thousands of years to study relationships. That amount of data was bound to yield patterns and consistencies. eHarmonies for old people. Match.com's like a more dignified Craigslist. You're saying you can just tell what people have left out of their profiles? Anyone can if they look through all our research and raw data.
We have to get into abusive power territory at some point, right? This is just utilizing power more efficiently. You can't hack a person. I'm just getting started. And when I...crap, what do I do now?
We created the worst dating profile we could imagine. Someone that no one would ever date. She lists tricking guys into thinking I'm pregnant as her top interest.
This was your thing. Blake, you sopping possum. Peace out. Smoke bomb. Pumpkin bomb. Which I made out of science. Give people a chance to pretend to be their best selves and maybe they'll get there. Josie! Right? What's zoosk for? Hand jobs. |
dropout | tony_stewart_working_at_burger_king_ad | It was an ordinary day had an ordinary Burger King But there was nothing ordinary about the new employee behind the counter Welcome to Burger King and take your order NASCAR's Tony Stewart He's a big fan of flame broil beef So he worked a full shift at a real BK to sell the smoky cheddar steakhouse XT Tony, can you wrap that one so we can get it out? I'm trying, I'm trying I got an XT right here When do we get a break? Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?
How was that? You're Tony Stewart, aren't you? How you doing there tough guy?
Tell what you got there on the receipt? Are you sure? Want to check it?
It's my first day, I may not get it right Smoky cheddar steakhouse XT No mayo, no pickles And instead of french fries I'd like onion rings I don't have proper training to be doing this and you guys are sending me up here to the wolves Can I try the smoky cheddar steakhouse? I see what they want, just a sandwich or a meal? Just a sandwich or a meal You do this a lot, Tony Alright Tony, let's move this along Yeah, let me get a smoky cheddar steakhouse XT What's that you're driving, is that a V8? Yes, as a matter of fact it is What does this have to do with my food? You know what we said about finding autographs Do that on your break time I know, she's good looking Tony, I need an XT on the fly, come on now I got your window order coming How soon on those buns?
Tony do this, Tony do that Somebody's been riding me all day How does this thing work again? You just put it up, Tony Just shut off on its own?
Yes it will How are you? You alright? What?
I ain't what I might be You are, I love you In the end, there was no doubt Tony Stewart is a true fan of the smoky cheddar steakhouse XT Still, one question remained What time did he get off? I don't know, I gotta check with my supervisor |
ClickHole | amazing_customer_surprises_hardworking_pizza_delivery_driver_with_his_own_pizza | My name is Aaron Kenzie, and sometimes I like to order pizza. The delivery guy who comes to my house is usually pretty good. He's mostly on time, and one time he even brought me extra marinara.
So today, today I'd like to do something really special for him. Hi, uh, can I get one large pizza, please? Uh, yeah, can you tell me? Yeah, pepperoni, sausage, and mushroom, please. Okay, uh, anything else?
Nope, that'll be it. Alright, that'll be around, uh, 40, 40 minutes. 40, 45 minutes, okay, perfect.
Alright, have a good one. You too. Alright. Okay, uh, ooh. Okay, this is in. Come here. Uh, Aaron? Yes. Yeah, you got a large pizza, pepperoni, sausage, mushroom. Yeah, that'll be $17.99. Okay, just a moment. Sure. This is for you.
Huh? What?
You deliver pizzas to so many people. Weekdays, weekends, after 2 a.m. I want you to know what it feels like to have a pizza delivered to you.
Yeah, no, that's okay. Please. I want you to know what it feels like to hold one of these boxes in your hand. It's the least I could do. No, really, it's- Take it. Thanks. Have a slice. No, thanks. Please, have a slice. I don't want to do that. No.
Well, thank you for all that you do. You have a good one now. |
TheOnion | Diary_Entries_Reveal_Ben_Franklin_s_Kite_Experiment_Was_Early_Attempt_At_Erotic_Electrostimulation | It's a new movement that's bringing more and more protesters out of their homes and into the streets. Hear why people across the nation are demanding a return to TV theme songs that explain the show's whole deal.
And later, we're going to show you how to clean out that little straw thing in your water bottle that's always covered in mold. And then how to properly prepare that mold as a delicious afternoon snack.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the Topical. Stick around after the break, unless of course you want to be ignorant. That's your call. Back in a moment. In the shadow of a global pandemic, life feels increasingly unpredictable and stressful, with many still holding out for things to return to pre-COVID days.
That desire for normalcy has prompted Americans to take to the streets this past week as part of a growing movement calling for the return of television theme songs that explain the show's whole deal. OPR Entertainment Protest correspondent Marcy Hammond joins me now. Marcy, so many Americans seem to be losing patience with the day-to-day struggle of figuring out a TV show. That's right, Leslie. Americans of all races, religions, sexualities, and socioeconomic class have united in their demands that television shows go back to the days when episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics explaining the entire concept of a show. Thousands of activists marched through LA and New York yesterday, carrying signs with messages like, Doctor Who, you tell me, and chanting, what's this show?
We don't know. I spoke with one of the leaders of the movement, Erica Hamels. Here's what she had to say.
All these shows today have theme songs with no lyrics or songs with lyrics that have absolutely nothing to do with the story. When self-quarantine started, I watched all five seasons of The Wire waiting for someone to walk through a garden like the theme song suggested. It was a huge waste of time. I never had any idea what was going on.
We the people demand that at least 75% of shows be preceded by a tight, one-minute display of music and visual clues that lets us know what we're getting into, with the hope that it will be 100% within the next four years. Wow, what a passionate plea for transparency and clarity. Yeah, it's clear that Americans are longing for the heyday of musical exposition that told us that Gilligan's Island was supposed to be a three-hour tour, or explained how the Fresh Prince had his life turned upside down. Alerted us that the two women and sister-sister were sisters. Exactly.
But Marcy, how has this issue been able to get so out of hand? Well, Hamels says that things have been in a downward spiral since ABC's TGIF lineup was canceled in 2000, so it's been almost two decades without a system of checks and balances to make sure the American populace knows the plot of the show they're watching from minute zero. Here's Hamels, again. I cannot tell you how many times I've turned on my television and thought, what?
Who are these people? What is their relationship to one another? How did they get into the situation that the entire premise of the show is based on? Who's a jokester? Who's the sassy one?
Is there a dad? Are there two dads?
Stop making us figure it out as the story unfolds. I'm looking at you, HBO. Your stylish, instrumental covers of popular songs in different musical genres are too cerebral. The melodic, wordless opening titles are even worse. Enough is enough. You know, for the first two seasons, I thought Westworld was going to be about pouring milk on people and animals, and I still have no idea what the show is about. While you're not alone, Leslie, protesters I spoke to feel similarly. I hate when opening credits are just a title card. That doesn't tell me anything. I already know the name of the show. What happened to slapping some fun, upbeat music over a city skyline? Yeah, fuck subtext! We want a perfect stranger's opening, where the plot of cousins from different parts of the world becoming roommates is communicated so clearly, so many times, that even a moron gets it. So viewers want television executives to go back to spoon-feeding them narratives. You got it. And when put like that, it seems like a more than reasonable response to years of neglect. They're fighting for their right to slip into a comfortable stupidity and be entertained in this stressful climate.
Well, how are network executives responding to these demands? Well, executives at ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, and streaming platforms like Netflix and Hulu are tough to budge in the immediate future, but many are putting together investigative committees that promise to bring new, straightforward content as soon as 2022. Until then, networks will be airing reruns of old, easy-to-follow Saturday morning cartoons.
Marcy, I have to say, hearing this report has opened my eyes a bit. I think part of what's important during these times is not just recognizing the sweeping injustices, but also taking responsibility for your role in it. For too long, we here at The Topical, with our lyric-less opening theme song, have been complicit, and we admit that our show is part of the larger opening credit problem.
But that ends here, and it ends now. Ahem. This is, is a, a, a topical hole, we tell you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, everything that you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, need to know, and there's so much you don't know, because you are, are, are, are stupid, incredibly stupid. But that's all right, we'll read you the news. Say hi and bye, that sums up, up, up, uh, uh, show. Please like, and, and, and, and, subscribe The Topical, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, with Leslie Brice.
Well, I guess that's a good step in the right direction, Leslie. Thank you, Marcy. Pretty proud of myself for putting in the effort. It's O.P.R.'s Marcy Hammond, back in a moment.
Founding father, philosopher, diplomat, and inventor, Benjamin Franklin is indeed one of the greatest minds in living history. The image of Franklin standing soaked in a thunderstorm, flying a kite attached to a metal key is memorialized in children's books and celebrated as the birth of a new age of technology. And now historians say a newly uncovered diary belonging to Franklin reveals that his iconic kite experiment may have actually been an early attempt at erotic electrostimulation.
Here with more is O.P.R. historical correspondent Joyce Evert. Thank you for joining us. My pleasure, Leslie. Joyce, this new set of writings sounds like quite a discovery. That's right.
Scholars at the University of Massachusetts say they verified the authenticity of a set of diaries that Franklin kept from 1750 to 1755. In the diaries, Franklin goes into great detail on a revolutionary theory that lightning is electricity and that it could be trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis providing immense pleasure. Here's Professor Douglas Hobbes. Kingsters in Franklin's time had a rudimentary understanding of static electricity. They knew, for instance, if they shuffled along the floor in their socks that touching their dickhead or clit onto a doorknob while masturbating could make their orgasms more intense. But Franklin actually took the concept a step further. Allow me to read this diary entry dated May 10, 1752. I had for some time, in my hornier moments, supposed that electricity flows around us like an invisible river, and that this movement of energy could be applied to a man's turgid member. Resulting in a climax so powerful, his brain drowns in a bliss like none has ever experienced. Hmm. Fascinating. Franklin wrote that just hours before his famous kite experiment. According to experts, the deviant founding father built a large kite, fastened a key to the string, and then secured the entire apparatus to the tip of his erection before walking out into a storm to test his hypothesis. Here's Professor Hobbes again. These diary entries add so much insight into this discovery. We've always known that when lightning struck the kite, Franklin felt a shock. But reading his account at the moment really paints a fuller picture.
In that instant, the string felt quite hot, singeing my curly thatch of pubic hair. But simultaneously, the key, now containing the bolt's energy, tapped my cock and balls. I promptly fell to the ground in ecstasy, my semen rushing out so forcefully it splashed all across my chest and chin.
Incredible. He truly was the father of invention. He was. The experiment proved electroerotic stimulation was possible, and very soon, using electricity to come, was all the rage among the upper classes.
Franklin spent several more decades experimenting and writing about shocking his genitals, nipples, even his asshole. These diaries certainly deepen our understanding of Benjamin Franklin. Do they contain new information on other parts of his life? They do. The Benjamin Franklin Historical Society has possession of the diaries, and they say that this discovery is just the tip of the iceberg. There's entries regarding his stint as a sex ambassador to the French kink community, drawings on using the glass harmonica to crush testicles. They've even been able to attribute several common phrases to Franklin.
Like what? Two in the pink, one in the stink, hurtin' for a squirtin', poontang.
Oh, I say those all the time. Yes, these everyday idioms are sprinkled all throughout Franklin's private writings. He was quite the wordsmith. Just goes to show how prolific he truly was.
Will there be a way for those who are interested to read the newly discovered writings for themselves? While the diaries won't be on display anytime soon, the Historical Society website has an online interactive diary that users can listen to, along with an animation of Franklin attempting to secure the kite string to his fat chode, which evidence suggests was indeed a full-on can of tuna. Wow, this job lets me learn something new every day. Thank you, Joyce. For more information on the history of electrocuting yourself into orgasmic ecstasy, you can visit our website. Back in a moment.
Well, it turned out all those hostages died, so it doesn't look like we'll be getting cleaner audio files back anytime soon. So instead, we're going to turn our attention to a more heartwarming story today about a group of young entrepreneurs raising money for a great cause. OPR's Children's Organization's correspondent Jenna Resnick has the scoop.
Hello, would you like to buy some cookies? Outside the local Walmart in Bexley, Ohio, members of Girl Scout Troop 242 are greeting excited customers and cashing in by selling dozens of boxes of everyone's favorite treat, Girl Scout cookies.
Here you go. Thank you. Bye.
Every year, Girl Scout troops around the country, including Troop 242, donate a majority of their proceeds to local charities as a way to give back to their communities. And after raising over $100,000 in cookie sales this year, Troop 242 decided once again to put their money to good use. It's just been a really hard year for everyone here, and we knew we wanted to do something special. So we said, fuck it, it's our money, let's buy a Corvette. That was 12-year-old Gwen Newton and the sounds of the candy-painted Corvette she now co-owns with her fellow Scouts. The troop says their mission is to empower young women and that there are few things more empowering than putting the pedal to the floor with the top down. But just how were these Scouts able to sell enough cookies to score this sweet piece of metal? We just threw down a couple folding chairs in front of Walmart, and the cookies practically sold themselves. Easiest hundred grand I ever made. And what would you say to someone who bought a box of cookies from you with the expectation that you'd donate it to a charitable cause? We did donate to a cause.
We got a set of bitchin' wheels. Are you gonna get in or what? This is the hardest working group of girls.
I've seen in my 20 years with the Scouts. Last year, we built a wheelchair ramp at a community theater. The year before that, we donated canned goods to a local food pantry. But this year... That's troop leader Jen Singer, who stressed to me that this was no impulse buy.
They did their research, ultimately deciding against the more affordable Chevy Camaro because of its poor fuel efficiency. The Corvette also won out thanks to its 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower. The girls wanted a few more ponies under the hood, and who could blame them? And considering all the add-on features, they got it for a pretty good price.
I was hoping I could just trade that tubby suit at the dealership, a couple of boxes of Thin Mints, but the son of a bitch wasn't budget. So did you have to pay the full $100,000 for the car? Um, no, probably closer to $75,000.
Our gals know how to negotiate. The Scouts have run up a considerable bill upgrading the car with a new spoiler, racing tires and a can of nitro. But to offset the costs, Singer has introduced new badges for oil changing and routine maintenance. They're learning valuable life lessons, popping the hood every weekend to keep her running smooth and...
Hey, you want to go, buddy? Okay, now calm down. You haven't earned your street racing badge yet. I don't need a fucking badge to lap this guy. He's toast.
Yeah, she's got this. Come on. Punch that. Girls, girls, girls.
Two, one. Two, four. Two. Two, four. Two.
Fortunately, everyone came out of the accident unscathed, and the Scouts are already selling boxes to fund repairs. So if you've got a hankering for tagalongs and a taste for burned rubber, you know where to turn.
For OPR, I'm Jenna Resnick. Just a wonderful story. Thank you, Jenna.
Can't wait to cross paths with those young ladies out on the road to see if their bitch-ass little Corvette can keep up with my 79 Challenger. I got a pretty good feeling I'll be the one earning the street racing brownie badge when that day comes.
We'll be back in a moment. Well I'm certainly thankful that you all at least stuck around to listen to what else I have to say, or at the very least I'm thankful that if you didn't stick around, I have no real way of knowing. Either way, here's what else you need to know today.
New consequences today for a police officer accused of killing an unarmed black man. The Austin, Texas, police officer who was accused of killing an unarmed protester back in April could face the rest of his life behind a desk. It may sound like a harsh punishment, but it's good to see these officers finally being held accountable for their actions.
And the Olympics are currently postponed until the summer of 2021, but some athletes may soon find themselves unable to even qualify. World Athletics, the international governing body for sports and athletics, announced last week that it would begin to crack down on all female athletes with naturally high levels of spunk. According to the ruling, any high-energy female athlete with a natural can-do attitude will need to take approved medications to reduce their high levels of moxie if they wish to qualify for competition.
And finally, a bit of light-breaking news to report, as of this morning all across the nation... Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, no. No. Oh, not that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Uh, we need to stop the show.
Um, I'm Leslie Price and this has been The Topical, and for God's sakes, if you have a family, tell them you love them. You'll hear from me again when it's safe. Is this true?
Oh, God! Oh, no! No! No, my God, no! |
cracked | molotov_shock_tale | And so I implore you, dear readers, in the name of decency, to take up arms against this so-called President of the United States, whoever he may be, and reach until the streets run red. Michael, have you seen this yet? One second. Now that is some f***ing writing.
Sup, Tiolo, riding easy? No, Michael, I'm not riding easy. In fact, I'm riding very, very hard.
Look at this. It's Broke.com again. That's their feature today.
Uh, seven? No, seven? The number seven?
I just saw you typing at an incredible pace. Horses?! Oh.
Seven baffling reasons why crack.com is overrated. Overrated, Michael.
And listen to their reasons. Number three, overuse of the word baffling. Uh, news flash, Broke. Call the news people, because baffling is a solid word.
You're a solid nerd right now. Uh-oh. Oh yeah? Okay. Number two. Michael Swames' column, arguably the only bright spot on the site, is brought down by the occasional odd typo. Yeah, you probably better. Are you sure we should be doing this? Ah, ma'am, relax.
A prank is exactly what this rivalry needs. Will TP the place and be home in time for another round of prank darts? Who said I was going to prank you again?
I got my own gun for home. And for that matter, why do I keep going along with every idea you have when you're under the influence of bear tranquilizers? Because that's all of my ideas.
Okay, this looks good. Here's the stuff. Holy s***, Michael.
What are you doing? I thought we were just going to TP the place. Yeah, torch and pillage. You start stealing office supplies and I rain hell fire.
Oh, now you can spell. Now you can spell!
All right, we'll switch, okay? No, no, no. I'll steal, you burn. But you owe me, buddy.
Surprise! Listen, this is just a complete misunderstanding comprised of several lesser, albeit somewhat suspect, understandings. Oh, you're one of the crack.coms, boys, huh? One good reason why I don't. No, he's fast. Whoa, do you look just like me? Sharp intake of breath. How did you... You couldn't even see... Are you in my brain? No.
I say that to everyone. It's like my icebreaker. I'm like, whoa, you look just like me. And then in this case, you'd be like, yeah. And then we're friends.
Wow. That's really, really smart. You're a really smart guy. Thanks.
For what it's worth, I had no idea that Michael had Molotov cocktails in that bag. Which was stupid in retrospect. It's like I have some kind of selective amnesia that only serves to push certain events forward.
Tell me about it. My partner is always doing stuff like that. Like the other day, he said he wanted to take me out for a couple of grinders. The next thing I know, we're in this gay club in the valley, and I'm getting dry humped by a bunch of meth addicts. And I'm like, what?
It's like they've combined every wacky neighbor in sitcom history. Yeah, and wrapped it up in a sociopath like a hot pocket that ruins lives. You know, I remember reading somewhere that there are only two truly meaningful things you could do with your doppelganger when you're locked in a room. You can fight them, or f*** them.
Long answer. Yes! He's all messed up, so he's like, I don't know. So many. He's like, what?
I love grinders. I love them. There's no beating them.
Mike, come on. We're leaving. Aww. Do we have to? Yes. Are we still in trouble? Just get out of here. All right, guys.
Hey, keep it sticky. You know I will. You seem nice.
It was the worst experience of my life, or anybody's life, all the lives. Really? What'd you guys do? Because, I mean, we played eye spy, we formed a mouth band, did a sheet fort.
We locked hands together, so it looks like a vagina. I'm glad you had a nice time, Michael. Did you get freaky with your dude? Kind of smelled like your own dick. Oh, the hero's on the head show. |
TheOnion | America_s_Sexiest_Hula_Hooper_America_s_Best_Ep_3 | It's America's Best and it's time to say Aloha to Hula Hooper, Daisy Poitras. Hi, I'm Daisy and I'm from North Carolina and I'm really, really excited to be judges and just show them what I can do. Hello there sweethearts.
FYI, for you to know, I have this tooth that's aching me somehow. It's like it's biting the rest of my mouth, but it won't affect my judging.
Okay, um, I'm Daisy and I'm going to be hula hooping for you guys today. So do it. Okay. Ow. Well, thank you. Here, Daisy, let me show you where you need to go. Okay.
I thought she had a lot of talent. Really? I totally missed it because of this angry tooth. You want to fuck her? I just fuck my fuck. I only have time for one. It's a shame because it was quite nice.
The music she played was interesting, but I liked it. Jeez, there was music? She had it playing.
I like watching you on TV. I know. All right, I remember the beginning. I'm ready to make my final decision. I say yes.
Unfortunately, I'm letting this toothache affect my judging. I say no. Guess it's up to Nelson Shaw when he gets back. Okay. Ow. Sorry, the train's late. It's okay, we weren't mad. We are split, so you have to break the tie. Oh, I'm in love with her, so I'll have to recuse myself from judgment. We can't pass you, but we can't kick you off either, so I think you have to stay in the room. Okay.
Coming up, it's time to tee off. Is this man America's best golfer? We can't kick you off either, so I think you have to stay in the room. Okay. Coming up, it's time to tee off. Is this man America's best golfer? |
SaturdayNightLive | the_view_disney_studios_snl | Live from the Walt Disney Studios in Bourbon, California, it's time for hot topics and more on the view. Okay, welcome back to the View. we're here at Disney Studios, and what a week it has been, right, Sherri? Yes, it has! You know, I took my bus all the way out here. yeah, well, you're a great job, but I'm afraid of fun. the bus ride was beautiful. people were waving at the bus. well, how did they know it was your bus? Well, it's called the Whoopi Gold Bus. it has my face on it. here's a photo. well, you know, with the west coast time difference, We have been up very early in the morning, and just to illustrate how dark it was, as I walked from my trailer to the set, I ran into Momar Qaddafi, and I had a very interesting conversation with him. as the sun rose, I became brutally aware that I had been talking to a statue of Eeyore. what's an Eeyore? you don't know Eeyore? he's from Winnie the Pooh. the children's book.
I don't read children's books. I'm not a child. But Sherri, it's a classic. the cat is a donkey.
Yeah, you know who looks like a donkey in the morning? me, before I put on my bare minerals. What's bare minerals? it's powder foundation for my face. I swear to God, I roll my face in it like chicken and flour. So what? you're beautiful. Okay, ladies, let's get to some hot topics.
Recently, Rush Limbaugh caused quite a stir when he said that he hoped President Barack Obama would fail. that's ridiculous. Who is Rush Limbaugh? You don't know who Rush Limbaugh is, but Obama is the voice of the conservative movement?
You know, I swear to God, the only way I can have a movement is with a dump truck full of benefiber. So what? Who cares? Why is everyone giving Rush Limbaugh such a hard time? it's Free Speech. he's allowed to say what he wants to say. He is. Free Speech.
Elizabeth, this cat was out there saying that you wanted our President to fail. I want people to fail all the time. every week, I get emails from people who want me to fail. I printed them out, and this is just from people within our office. Why can't people just say nice things to one another? why can't they just say things like, ugh, happy birthday, or I'm like your new wig, girlfriend. is that a new wig? I would listen to that. that would be uplifting.
Okay, ladies, let's move on to another hot-button issue right now. the President is planning on reversing all of former President George Bush's policies on stem cell research. I know what stem cells are, but what is research? stem cells are people. they are itty, bitty, teeny, tiny people. Elizabeth, stem cells are not people. they can't wear hats or own buses. if you had three stem cells with you at a restaurant, they wouldn't seat you at a table for four.
Yes, they would. If I made a reservation, they would. they would. they would seat us. If a stem cell sat down at dinner with me, I would give that cat a look like this.
Okay, ladies, considering that we are here at the Disney Studios, I have a question for each of you. if you were one of Snow White's dwarves, what would your name be? Whoopi. I would be weirdy, because I've gotten a little weirder over the years. Yes, that's true. Yes, you have. I would be saggy. I think you all know why. Who cares? I would be weirdy or just me. And also, what is a dwarf? I would be the dwarf that is a good mother to her children and makes good, conscious decisions that benefit not just my family, but the whole country. and our troops. What about you, Barbara? I, of course, would be Snow White. Oh, nice. Up next, we have Bruno from Dancing with the Stars. What's that? Thank you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Shane_Richardson | Well welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show it is Christmas time and we're very very excited to finish the year with one of the bigger guests that we've had over the last few months we've had a lot of different people we've had we've had artists we've had musicians we've had we've had all sorts come on here we've had politicians it's been a big year we had union leaders we've had all kinds of stuff going on and this is the podcast that everyone I guess will be listening to as they head off on the Christmas break so we're happy to nail lock in today's guests as we have now in Australia Australia as a country is a pretty young one but we have a lot of old institutions in Australia um you know a lot of uh sporting or political or or you know business kind of institutions have been around almost as long as the country and for as long as the country has been around most of these institutions are often the power brokers are often based down south Melbourne uh Victorians or uh Sydney side is all indeed Canberra but every now and then when our institutions start to falter uh we have to bring in these I guess you'd call mercenaries the the the military caste of Australian society um the Queenslanders you know you'd compare them to the uh the Punjab's of uh northern India or the or the Gurkhas in Nepal the Queenslanders are often the ones that are brought down to bang everything into shape to lead us to glory uh we look at Kevin Rudd uh resuscitating the labour party in 2007 we look at Barnaby Joyce coming through to uh dignify the national party under Turnbull and we look at Cathy Freeman uh dignifying Australian track and field with that gold medal in the Sydney Olympics today's guest is one of those Queenslanders who has made made a name and and and made a lot of uh a lot of people happy down south uh thank you for joining us today Shane Richardson hello guys how are you now I hope I didn't gash you up too much there but you do have a bit of a track record here and we we want to talk about the work you've done in rugby league in in Australia um you've been involved with a few clubs and you're currently uh as we as we interview the interim West Tigers CEO yeah but yeah I have I've been regularly I've been fortunate all my life played and then coached and then was administrator and uh and and then I've been at clubs running clubs for 30 years in the NRL so uh Cronulla and then Hull in England then uh Penrith and then south so it's 17 years at south so yeah I'll be very fortunate to be involved with the game I love now it's been a pretty tough year for West Tigers fans um obviously there were a lot of headlines over the last couple of weeks in regards to what's happening at the top of the club you coming in has been seen as quite a breath of fresh air and a somewhat of a relief for a lot of West Tigers fans who are seeing hope moving forward when there wasn't a lot in the last you know few years how did it come about this job was this something that had been floated around for a little while or is it kind of come about recently no look it was floated about eight or nine weeks ago but only floated then I think it hit a wall I wasn't interested in doing the job unless they were going to make the changes that they said they were going to make and that really is about the board and and governance more importantly um but you know you had control to do the things you need to do to set the club up for for a long-term success because it's not about short-term success you've got to set up for long-term so you know in the end um you know I I sort of ummed and ah'd and that the Thursday before the press conference I sort of committed and and uh a lot of decisions I wasn't sure about um but one of those decisions I wake up the next morning I thought yep this is the right goal so and I've been positive about it ever since so yeah I'm looking forward to the challenge now I want to I do want to ask about in particularly in NRL there's a lot of people involved in clubs you look back to Bullfrog Moor at Bankstown or you look to the the Cleary family uh you look at Gus Gould people are often more often than not working in clubs that they've grown up with uh or or that they you know have become very close to but you're in a position now where you know you are a Queenslander and you've been involved in other clubs in this competition how do you acquire this skill set to come in and out of institutions like this I think the first thing is that you know I play coached and administered so I know from grassroots selling raffle tickets at the local pub to doing barbies for the teams on the weekend otherwise so I understand the whole ethos of a football club I I grew up at Eastern Brisbane where it was my club I was coached at administered John Lang I was the president and John Lang was the uh coach when they brought us to Cronulla and a crazy man called Peter Gere took us down to Cronulla because he couldn't afford anybody else with the cheapest he could get um and uh we can John came down by bus so that'll give you some idea um yeah but I think I got an understanding then there's no difference between running a club in Brisbane like East and people get carried away with running and so there's the basic principle like all the McDonald theories and running a club the second thing about myself because I had the football I also had the business background you know Bachelor of Commons and and you know I was a rented finance company in Queensland Australian guarantee for 13 years so I did build you know I'm good financially or bigger so I'm one of the few guys that can probably combine both sides the commercial side and the football side because mostly nowadays you've got CEOs with just commercial and that's where you have a challenge with it so I could run both sides and I've always had to do that and uh so yeah so I've married those skills together and and and bought the same principles that I bought to Cronulla to Hull to Penrith and now on to to South so then on to West Tigers there's nothing there's the principles are the same the situations is different different what are those principles and what does the McDonald's theory look like well it's really simple mate you know I mean look at the West Tigers I mean you know they're probably one of the easier rebuilds that I've been involved with because at the end of the day they've got a really strong financial backing with the uh Holman Barnes group they've got a magnificent new facility they've got juniors you know growing as big as Penrith really but just not not tapped into and they've got an area of growth for membership and sponsorship and everything bigger than any other club in the game and an area in the western city now I'm not giving a pitch about what I'm saying is there on the positive sides you've got a whole group of people are working their asses off inside but getting nowhere you know and it's not there's not their fault they're working their asses off but they're getting nowhere so you've got to change things from the top down not from the bottom up so corporate governance is crucial the powers that are given to the CEO to make the changes are crucial that's the governance the relationship between yourself and the chair I had a wonderful relationship with Nick Pappas for 17 years and Russell Crowe for 17 years which which enabled me to do my job and to get on with the coaches Wayne Benat, Jason Dimitrio etc on the way through so you've got that communication between the chair and yourself now it's going to be Barry and myself Barry myself and Benji it's already started and then from there you have a structure put in place it's clean and simple to communicate and understand it's not about spending more money in fact one of my great sayings is that you know you play just as well on rump steak as you do on fillet yep we've been living on fillet for a while and it hasn't been that good for us we've got a bit of indigestion at the moment so you know I certainly think we'll cut that so it's look like people I always worry when coaches or people in positions start telling me how complicated their job is they only tell you that so they want more money or they can't do the job themselves so you know it ain't that complicated to run a football club but what I tell you you can't do a lot of business people do it they become involved with a football club and they have really good successful businesses and they get sitting in a football club and then take their heads off they put this huge pumpkin on yeah and and that's the way that they're just starfuckers and they just continue on the way through about what they what they do instead of operating the business as they would operate their own business there was no difference the only difference is this and this is the biggest difference it's highly emotional yep so you've got to try understand the emotion of fans and people but take it out out of your decision making process that's that's the simple part of it was your background in football part of being able to step back in terms of the emotion or was that something you had to learn early on yeah well I heard early on because even in Brisbane in the old days and we're talking about what it did value me for and things like that like when you applied to Brisbane College you know you knew how to behave in a dressing room you need the feeling around the club the culture the way you selected teams the power I remember I went to took over as chairman at east they had this antiquated rule that John Lang was the coach and always the chairman and and they had this antiquated rule where the three people chose the team so there's two selectors and the coach so if two selectors voted against the player and so I made myself chairman of selectors so there was the coach the chairman of selectors and one other person at the first meeting I said I'm just telling you now this is a very simple meeting because every time John Lang wants a team I'm voting with him yeah so it's 2-1 no matter what you back the coach you got it you got to back the coach and that's what you're doing Benji so you learn about those because you coach yourselves yeah you know what it's like to have to deal with players dropping back or going up and the emotions and so there's a whole range of things that aren't the same as a business the principles are the same but the emotion is so highly volatile now we did we have different brands of rugby league in this country uh you know what I mean and you would have seen a lot of it in your travels I guess in fact in the global uh you know community of rugby league you mentioned there your time in Hull you would have seen different things you would have seen that this working life in northern England you would have seen um you know you would have seen the rise I guess of the pacific revolution uh in your time and uh you know Rabidos and Cronulla and indeed Penrith but there's something there about that western queensland kind of edge that Wayne Bennett has that we see in at least every premiership there's one player with those kind of routes whether it's uh you know Katewell or any of the blokes coming out yeah Darren Lockyer Matt Scott Thurston you know with the Toowoomba and then you know right back to Artie Beets and Charlie Frith tell us a little bit about your western queensland roots and how that informs you today in in in contemporary professional rugby league well my old man was a stockman he went to work at 13 at the back of Cunnamulla and my mum was a cook you know and that's what they meant much to my mum's parents chagrin um but um so I grew up with the travel and the things you got to do to play footy as younger players did you play for the rams Cunnamulla rams yeah no no in those days we had four teams in Cunnamulla actually four teams yeah it was quite funny the color my comp was a funny one because you had four teams playing in it and you had three teams and you had the Black Trolleys team you know the Murray team yeah um but so they weren't called in those days yeah um but but and because you had a full team comp you could finish fourth and still win the premiership and they never won a game during the season but they all come back for the finals and kick your ass every time so I'm used to playing with indigenous players what a wonderful group of players they are so and then my father was a become a meat worker we moved all over Australia in his job and you know from from there to Kilcoy to Oxley to Launceston to Aberdeen all around I had to go so I went to 10 different schools in 12 years so you were some somewhat of an army brat but a meatworks brat yeah yeah meatworks brats a lot of an army brat because who says there's some discipline in the army there wasn't my discipline being the son of a meat worker and a meatwork so I can tell you I don't imagine there was I've always hung on many hooks and thrown around yeah yeah digestors yeah I'm sure that was a tough life the only thing I could do was play footy so usually I got on side with most people pretty quickly but I was all right at football and then so from there you end up I guess in that part of Brisbane like you know do you end up in east because that was your patch when you landed in Brisbane no originally I went to a private school I got a scholarship fix its grammar yep and so I went there as a boarder when dad was working and I'll come down from Kilcoy then to to work at the Oxley the meatworks so the old meatworks there so I went as a boarder there I hated it and I went to primary school at Corinda built for 18 months and with a couple of silken mates from there from when I was there and then I went for the research grammar and then I finished my school in Corinda high so and then I went on to university so geez they've got a bit they've got a few stripes there old iffy grammar they got politus they got richo they got George Miller the difference is that I hated it yeah yeah yeah so it wasn't really my favorite cup of tea but and I had to play rugby union there so yeah that's why I didn't play league in those days or I used to slip up the black part a bit and play with my uncles at yeah at cool quite black but but uh which was much to the chagrin of the uh principal of the school wanted to be playing rugby union on Saturdays but yeah anyway so that was that was the background there and so you know I did pretty quickly to wherever I've been and and and when you end up at uh you know east like that what capacity are we talking player into coach or were you always sniffing around administration no no I was a coach I played I played for the mighty boat as a kingfishers yeah I play with Chris Chris close and I made our debut season I'll tell you who was a bit of football at the body but as a king he found was a policeman and that but the bottom line was uh I used to I had a really good job um and finding Australian guarantee and coming into work with broken jaws and busted noses and yeah all over the place sort of that I was getting paid a lot more to work there than I was playing footy so I made a decision of 27 to give up footy and coach so I coached my first team under 17s at east and then uh then I coached colts and then I coached uh that I coached in the in the uh north Queensland for brothers in first grade and then I came back to east and coached reserve grade so I've done a lot of coaching and well full working full time and then I got in financial difficulty in the late 80s and I took over as chairman I was still running AGC and uh I was chairman of selectors chairman and I was a reserve coach the first year I was the most successful coach in 87 we won two games um so um the rest of the club wasn't great that year um so I got coach at a year at east at the two game um but but yeah so I had all that background I'd seen the good times the tough times the bottoms the tops I know what I prefer but uh it's held me in good sand when you're selling raffle tickets every week and only do six raffles at the at the game as a chairman of the game on Sunday and if I haven't sold them I'd have to do them in the clubhouse afterwards so yeah now you get used to the way a footy club works and runs and the ethos of it all and which is so important because a lot of people now don't understand that and certainly don't understand it with regards to country football you said that you know west tigers looks like an easier rebuild and in the outline why that is was there an element when you arrived was it 2004 at the rabbit eyes was there an element there where you said we have to absolutely reinvent the wheel here you know having gone from you know you know a club owned by the people to private owners to you know all these different things that had changed so dramatically you'd been kicked out of the comp they'd come back in what was what I want to know what you were staring at when you walked in that first day first of all a great friend of mine I was working with for 17 Nick Pappas lied to me he lied to me um people said oh that's because we're on the premiership penalty even for why would you be going to sows because it was the opportunity to take the greatest club in the game back to the top and I just couldn't knock it back that's just been a lot it wasn't the money or anything like that at all people go on that shit but and when I got there what do I do when I go to a club which I'll be doing with west tigers on the second and jet is pull apart the balance sheet yeah because I'm you know I'm really good on the financial side so well but when I pulled past the balance sheet I realized there were a billion dollars worse off they told me we were actually in liquidation virtually and so we had to start from there and we had to change the model of the club and you know and it was quite very quickly relevant that we were virtually in liquidation and the Nick Pappas part of the board understood that the emotional part of the board wanted to keep going the way we were and I just said well you can keep going the way you were but you're directors of a club that's insolvent yeah so if you want to keep going that way that's fine but just understand what your fiduciary responsibilities are and that's where we got into shareholdings and everything else and and finally you know work with Russell to get involved which is one of the great stories of our time but yeah but yeah we wouldn't have survived if we hadn't changed the model it was highly emotional obviously George was a hero of mine as he was of many people but you know we had to change that we had to regal in the history of the club but change it for the future or what the club needed to look like into the future and it could never have happened without Russell and Peter but particularly Russell's intervention and more importantly the driving force of Nick Pappas behind the scenes so tell me when you do when you go through that and you know that that that is a hell of a rebuild and when you get there and when you're sitting there and you know Russell rings the bell I don't know who he brought out to ring the bell in 2014 but Mark Carroll rings the bell you know you've got Johnny Sattler there kissing Sammy Burgess's broken face and Redfern is about to burn down was there a feeling in that moment that all that turmoil was was worth it was was you know was there was it was it cleaned the slate yeah it's funny I left next year and went to the NRL and I didn't leave because I was sick of South it was like when we won the grand final because I won the grand final of Penry and I never really got to enjoy it because you know it's sort of it was a great grand final but you know they come from wooden spurs two years earlier it was sort of like oh well what's going on here you know yeah but when I went to South I made sure I was going to enjoy it and my biggest feeling mate was I turned to my son and it was just a bit of a leap you know it was like you had all these people who were so committed to making South great again and all of a sudden from you know you had this this this just you couldn't believe it it was like sort of I can't explain what it was like you know I'm not into God but it felt like he was looking down at that part of the skies yeah I just couldn't come to whisper so it was sort of like more relief and then when it was over I felt like I'd done my task yeah you know what I mean that was that's what I wanted to do so the opportunity to go do the pathways the whole story around that and then Russell got me into going back again but in a different sort of role but it's another story for another time but no it was a an emotional relief more than anything else I loved it and I loved the feeling and the being drunk on fucking sunrise the next morning all that stuff yeah but the reality was it was just a sense of massive relief is it addictive yeah absolutely winning's addictive but I won as many wooden spoons as I won premises but I've been I've won three I've been a grand final four times one three the thing about it is though it is addictive but it's you know Russell talks of you know he's got he's got the American way in him Russell he talks about W's yeah you know I didn't even know what a fucking W was to Russell we bought a W but you know and that's that's all Tiger's fans of what W is you know so yeah it is man but you can't get the million that I've realized man you can't get W's every week you've got W's in here you got all weeks all weeks yeah yeah and it's how good you are in all weeks yeah because it's not the W everybody wants to be in the dressing room everybody wants a round round pattern you on the back when you win but when you're all then you look around they're all missing I don't know where they went to the Tiger's fans can to a degree celebrate and even an L an all um just the way that I will pack out for an all but even the way that the the Leichhardt went up when um Alex Twou got his first try this year that was like you know that is in good humor and it's in you know that they're real fans those Tiggy's fans they're long-suffering fans oh they're no longer suffering than South's yeah I mean it was 71 let's be honest I used to say all the time my statement at South's was you know we've only got photos of black black and white winning games yeah now we haven't got any color photos we need to get a few color photos and at least you've got color photos there and you know got the coach that won it with you oh look look they are passionate we what we've got to do is get everybody together to Belmain and Westside together to make the pathway forward I always say whenever you premiership you win the receptionist has got to feel as good as the head coach yeah because they played the role of winning it and that the only way you do that is by making the members and people I don't like to talk about fans I like them all become members but members feel that they're really part of it so all communication needs to go directly to them you don't leak to the media give it to them first you make them feel a special so when you get to a game and you'll lose they don't mind no fan minds losing they want to go to the game thinking they're a chance of winning that's the first thing and the second thing they want to believe the game thing jeez we had a dig today we had a real thing today and this is going our way we could have but you know you've got you've got to get to the stage where every week you're having a dig if you have enough digs you get out of the coffin yeah I wanted to yeah so I better I better let Wendell the the long suffering very excited member ask if you you know nitty-gritty uh fan uh you know what's your membership number when the weather what's the membership number uh look 2005 was color but um I wasn't uh very old so it's uh a long time okay so it's not so much this isn't questions from a member these are questions from the hill yeah this is from the hill you spoke there about membership base and the identity and it's such a thing in sport to have identity you you look at the the recent pride in the area and the penrith stuff and obviously the identity of south sydney two clubs that you've been involved in what do you see the potential identity being or the identity of the west tigers being moving forward you see identity is a funny thing um yeah roosters are mainly work on the principle they want everybody to hate them south from the word go work on the principle that we want to be everybody's second team with the pride of the game yeah and we don't work on the basis that we used to work on when I first met the south said really red ferns we proved by going out to humbush but we've got as many fans and we've got wall fans in the west now we had them my point about it is though if you're a tiger's fan it doesn't mean that you live in belmont you live in campbeltown you live in camden you live in brisma you live in you're a tiger's fan and you're a tiger's fan and membership's not just about paying for your season ticket you might you'll have people out there spending more money on merchandise than the guys paying for a season ticket yeah they've met there you've got to treat them as members too in the that's why south's got 32 000 of them my point about it is though mate is that you've got to create this thing that what is it what is a tiger's fan and what what are we all about and where do we go and you do that by doing things not by talking about it but announcing strat plans and what we did very firmly both at penrith and at south and we're doing central coast mariners at the moment and for eastern brisbane we provide a community development program that's real that's in schools that's working on real things that matter to those schools in the regions and areas and our players become part of that not for money because they want to actually do it southscares is the epitome of any plan within any sport in australia pansils and the prowl is not far behind it and we need to start getting ourselves involved in the community we're doing stuff that's what i said we work really hard but we're not identifying what feels it the second thing is mate if you're going one thing about me you know i've never had an original idea in my friggin life not one original which i had i failed woodwork and metal work i couldn't even do a dovetail halving you wouldn't know what that is but at the end of the day what i do mate if i see a good idea i steal it and i make it work i can make good most dreamers they can't make the ideas i steal them and so we stole membership made it work stole digital we're the leader in the game in digital at south digital marketing those my sons are a digital marketing freaks but my son brent is in partnership business with me had six years of google in new york my other son ben runs everything for south on the digital marketing side so we're so they're steeped in there and i can't do an email but the bottom line is that i know i can't do it so i get the best and i don't care if they want to take my job i don't care if they're better than me you know i couldn't give a rat's ass i get the best of the people that i know that's needed to make the business better so do you think removing that paranoia from your role you know i mean that that that exists in rugby league almost like this mafioso kind of aspect that someone's going to knife you at any moment you you just you just operate completely oblivious to that well i ran from queensland i was the only administrator yeah i think i'm just about close down now in sydney it was a co or a club like it was no one liked me no one no one wanted i was just a dickhead we were on the bottom of the ladder and john lang might be a good bike because he played for strobe chain which isn't just a whale i don't even know why it's here yeah so i had no friends so i so i had to work on the base well i got no friends i just did my job and did the thing the only person who befriended me and the whole time was the mighty bullfrog yeah right and he came across to see me for bullfrog and then i knew after the lunch i had with him and barry i knew that i was going to have to donate my first child to him because that was what that was the mafioso yeah yeah if he was going to do a favor for me i was going to have to do famously him you know what i mean and that was the way to build that work it was very successful but but to be fair we were friends till he's dead so he was a good man in his own way it's not my way but in his own way my point about it is though is that i don't work on any principle of what i don't worry about the inner world when i took over south so we're on the nice oh you're so close to the waratahs you're so close to to sydney fc you're so close to the roosters you're so i said where do they build kaiyats why don't they build kaiyats 400 miles away from they built it the same area because they trust them that the job they're going to do will pull the fan to them yeah you don't worry about competition competition is good for and i never set my goals on any nrel club or the nrel yeah we we set south up based on the sydney swans in collingwood yeah and it's the same here the epitome of clubs in my opinion is south and not just because i was there but blake soli and denato and the team over there and epitome away accomplishing you run nick pappas and russell so what i'm saying you know i i you take the best ideas you install them you don't worry about anybody stabbing in the back because i've had a million stabs in the back mostly from the press over the years but at the end of the day you don't worry about it you just focus in on what you do and i don't know anyone favors me yeah there's nothing i don't know anybody favors i don't want any press any favors i've got a few blokes who i admire in the press because they're the best writers but i don't get leaked stories and special stories with the player managers there's a couple i'm not overly friendly with most of them i get on with but once again they don't dominate my club i treat them fairly i don't try and get on side with them so they can get every you know like a lot of the managers do to infiltrate the clubs i play firm fair and flight across and so really being an outlier like i have been you've been on a huge event speaking of good ideas and best ideas will you be bringing back the highly successful tales of tiger town um documentary series offering insights into the behind the scenes of the west tigers maybe you can you lean on your experience with russell crow mate i had to live through the book of feuds i mean i couldn't do it again you know so i i'm russell's a lovely guy and he loved it because of the book of feuds that killed me you can't imagine every game we played what was on the wall a book of feuds you know what we've done so i just keep my big mouth shut on those things and tales of tiger town you know will be vengeance puppies playing with his kids not tales of tiger the answer is a very simple they call me the abominable no man that's what they call me and they're to know well i do remember russell's uh it's actually quite difficult to find russell's documentary you might have even been involved richo uh the south side story or yeah it's a ripper it's a river i remember everyone will remember the day that russell took the ravenous down to the bra boys premiere in the bright green amani suits that was the rebuild right green and red striped amani suits thank you don't just go grip striped each one of those outfits cost us five five thousand dollars well i have to say uh and i'm going to say john sutton and amani suit is not one of the great sorts of his time he looked great yeah um he'd never done a tie-up for a start yeah i spent about the first time i spent about the first hour in preparation doing everybody's time you mentioned before how people in your roles can get caught up in the star fucking no one's had a greater opportunity to do a bit of star fucking than the bloke who's worked side by side with russell crow for you know a couple decades how do you uh you know how do you let that russell's you know in that time russell's basically nominated for a academy award for american gangster and all these things are happening gladiator by the way in terms of the cultural capital that rusty rusty has from gladiator um you know he obviously can't he can't go to a cafe i know he does but he really realistically cannot go to a cafe in redfern uh what's it like operating around that kind of aura um russell's a funny guy mate yeah well when i say he's a funny guy he's a knock around bloke russell he's one of the few film stars that never moved out of australia i mean he lives on his little and he's a true farmer yeah when you get up there he's barbecuing his own beef and his barbecue at the back when you have dinner at his place and he's got a fairly decent wine collection i'm not sure it's paid for him but he's got a fairly decent wine collection and he's got a great and it's his place up the farm is very uh usable look early on in our situation russell the life came to an agreement and it was a really important agreement that sort of set the status for us working together for 17 years old 15 years and that was russell you're cool and i'm not and that's the bottom line you know he's cool and he's great for things and ip i've got none of the above i don't know how to run a film studio a pub you know the club house all i know is how to run a football team and and he let me run the football team he gave his advice from time to time and many a funny story with russell over the years but look but you couldn't have asked for a better bloke to deal with he let me do what i had to do i told you about what was going on all the time him and nick but at the end of the day he wanted to be a right i think he's things in life he wanted to be a musician yeah well he's trying to make that happen now um he wanted he wanted to be a football player he was all right he's no dummy and he's got a little bit of left foot step but he was never going to be that and the third string was accurate he's not bad at that he's outstanding but mate he's a perfectionist everything he does he crosses every r tops every i and crosses every t he understands ip not nobody else the whole of our club changed the way he changed our ip yeah and people don't people don't people recognize the money he put in which he's got back now and all the rest of it but the reality was when he changed the way people viewed i don't know if you ever saw the the iconic commercial of all times of my life and when he rang me up and set it through because he got it produced by himself of course because he had to do with the production did you ever see the one he did about the different rabbit it'll be on youtube yeah i do remember this this little rabbit's in the middle and wanted to get the point across we've changed and he's a little rabbit in the middle of the field there and i cross flies a seahawk yeah and also got a little rubber and it grabs the seahawk by the neck pulls it out and bites his neck off the blood pours out everywhere and i said but you can't do that mate but that commercial changed the way he did little things what changed the way our rabbit ran yeah now we have white and black rabbits in recognition of our indigenous all those little things made us have the coolest i could never have done any of it yeah right yeah you you you weren't so much front facing with the with the rabbit eyes you were you were more inside with the levers on the on the game in the yeah yeah and yeah i was and we had black called john richardson we're calling broadway john is now the commercial marketing manager for uh the the new museum but you know john was brilliant and that sort of thing and looking outside the box i met rich on the american yeah yeah he's a great guy and now he was my marketing guru for ages and then joe kelly is now the ceo that i want was my ceo we had a great team yeah and we worked really well together and they've all gone on much better things and you know we just had a great spirit of it all russell brings you along for souse who are you working around like that now with west tigers um you know as i said there was an independent review the board has been relieved of judy your interim who's tapping on the shoulder who is there now barry o'farrell yep i had my first meeting with barry yesterday and you know the guy the thing about communication is made to see yeah he's got a really close i had a great relationship with um so you've got to have a good i've got to build that relationship with barry he seems really good guy and i'm looking forward to it and then i've got to have a great relationship with benji it's not barry and benji it's barry to me to benji yeah and uh and that and that's that's the that's the lines of communication so the answer the end of the day is obviously the hbd boards there and then helping a lot but they just want the club to run professionally and not have to put keep pouring money down the drain um so and so it's not it's not if i do my job mate i've been doing this for 30 years and i haven't been sacked yet and unfortunately i haven't got one payout yeah i wish you know we should be in the barrel of some of these other guys i haven't got one player there's been 85 ceos in my time and i still haven't got sacked now that's not because the board likes me but it's because i do my job yeah if you don't do your job you get sacked if you do your job you keep going simple like a football player hopefully barry's got his um gif registry sorted out and updated i'll i've got lots of great bottles of grain maybe that's the way to the player ruffle gave me a 1971 grains the week before the grand pile which is the year they don't have before they've won the grand pile previously so i'm stocked up champion very good rich i wanted to ask about the player base of the club you speak a lot about building from the ground up and making sure you're tapping into the juniors and the local community and that sort of stuff how does that fit in with uh big money signing like jerome lewis if you've got the 17 players that win a premiership you want to try and get eight of them as juniors if you can that's what we had at penrith that's what we had at south and that's what we had at crinola making the super league grand pile and they had half the number of juniors not crinola as we've got in so that's the first thing and any player you bring to the club has got to be better than the kid you got junior if it's 51 to one way i'll bring the clay to the club it's 50 50 i'll always stick with the junior that's first secondly you know you've got to fill it up with flour because you can't make a cake without flour and the flour is all those blokes that have to do the hard yards every week the alex 12 of the world people don't give enough credit to but if you've ever charged up the middle of iraq or had a belt in some of these front rollers that are paying ass yeah those blokes are diamonds you know but they make up another half of your team you know and then you have the cream yeah if you haven't got the cream coming through you've got to pay for the cream yeah we paid for greg english we paid for latrell mitchell they make a difference to win a prime issue sandburgers they make a difference yeah but you know fortunately out of john sutton there as a junior and we've got the same now we've got we've got a champion in happy carousel we've got a champion coming through potentially in the young fullback we've got a great young keep coming through uh in uh lachlan galvin yeah so you're close to your best find i mean occasionally the day i signed greg english to south so i remember it was christmas that i finally battled ian shubert into the ground with a salary kept to get him on and i remember that i said and i turned to my cfa at the time and i said mate we've just signed the next premiership for south sydney and that's the way i feel about louis yeah but he's he's just special in every way not just not just the way he plays which is exciting and attacking but it's his emotion his leadership and mate the bottom line in the game today made 47 of all nrel players that's a fact 47% of all replays polynesians and it'll be over 50% in a few more years they have to run luau heading our club up making a statement about the way we feel about recruitment and everything else and he's going to be the face of the club to be nothing but a positive for us going forward as greg english was for us with indigenous players so i do want to talk about the game changes in different iterations we're talking about different brands of football and we're talking about different you know waves and and indeed you as a man in western queens and didn't grow up around i mean you probably would have had a lebanese uh i'm sure they had a lebanese uh supermarket or maybe greeks but you didn't have too much else going on we had a great milk brother yeah sammy oss or or one of those ones but uh you know you've actually landed in a club that at as it is now has a big lebanese kind of community uh lebanese a lot of the boys from the cedars are involved in west tigers that have come through there how do you do that thing that we've all seen wayne bennett be able to do which is move and change with australia and and change with the suburbs and change with the style of the game oh absolutely you know it's if you treat everybody's same it makes sense yeah you come from katamala which was incredibly racist in my days you had a black camp at the top but you went to school with them all people all day we all remember the doco yeah that's right well i was i lived in the doco but but the bottom line about it is is it's nothing to do with that you can put rules and weather but reality is when you're a kid working with you play footy with them in the afternoon and it's the same with footy but everywhere you go you've got different people playing footy or otherwise and i don't really see if you're good enough you're good enough it doesn't make any difference what are you what nationality you're from and at the at the end of the day though you've got to have i've just got an open mind i couldn't care less yeah yeah where you came from what your sexuality is all i care about is is the great bill belichik saying do your job do you see the cultural differences in the game in the sense that we look at we look at we look at penrith right now and i dare say one thing people aren't saying aside from the you know the pacific revolution is the fact that these blokes don't drink anymore they're church boys right like that that has an effect on the game when we took penrith to the premise in 2000 we only had two polynesian players yeah now it's another it's a revolution well and the main reason for that was in those years most of the polynesian players came out here with their families to try and make you know 13 and 14 15 now they're born here from start from seven onwards they're in the nutrition they're in the again the representatives it's a different world for the development of the polynesian football and nowadays and to be i totally honest most likely individuals i love their culture their culture is all about family again luau is all about his family mate and then snow he's coming from it and and the same with greg ingleson the same with latrell mitchell and i love that fact what you've got to do is adapt around it you can't give him speed but people players are different mate and they are special if it means to him have an extra couple of days of tari because he needs to get back to his family i wish we'd done that with greg yeah and he wouldn't have some of the challenges he's had now yeah i'm a firm believer mate you've got to have rules and rules and laws laws can't be broken yeah rules you've manipulated as much as you want to be yeah and we've come a long way since the what would have been the pub out there in the combsley hotel is that what you're drinking with east no no no no at east yeah in brisbane yeah no no i was a strange corner boy yeah starts going out yeah kiddin combsy was up market no i drank with the water so i used to sell raffle tickets at combsley and the number one public where all the water but water side workers drank was a stone corner mate all the up market guys up the other way they were they never bought a raffle ticket yeah yeah no no but you know we've come a long way since you finished training and you and you drink six to seven lagers and you go home and then you yeah and playing hungover like the game has changed a lot it's interesting dramatically it's interesting to see though you know what happens inside the beast doesn't really change much and you are a testament to that i guess rich what do you feel like when you walk in now like are you at the point where you said you've had a lot of uh you've had a lot of wooden spoons you've had you've had a fair few premierships as well but when something's when the phone rings do you go i'm ready to do it again is it exciting you're ready to start at this grassroots level when it rings 11 o'clock night i'm not as excited because i know there's nothing you know there's nothing happened at a nightclub at three o'clock in the afternoon yeah i think so mate because i think it's make sure you surround yourself with good people but yeah but the excitement of you know it's funny man i hate game day you know i don't drink at all i don't drink during the day at all or anything i don't lunch or i think but i don't drink on game days at all i come home there was a famous thing written at crinola when i used to a thing done by boo bailey with me eating fish fingers down with shard now with my gut hanging out i'll come home and have some fish fingers in the shard now late at night but i don't drink during the game at all because to me it's business it's right up in business so i leave that night to go home and so when it's business it's business as it is and game day to me people get excited by it i don't actually get excited by it because to me it's it's like the the exam at the end of the week yeah who likes exams no one no one except the coach of the players man yeah i like exams so i i see it it's funny seeing it the way that i do and the same as the dressing room i knock around with greg ingles and andrew eddinghouse and craig gower and all the people i've had over the years they're just guys doing their jobs as well so i see them and i love them and they've been good get on great i never got invited into their wedding by the way but um at the end at the end of the day it's it's a funny sort of feeling being an administrator compared to a player and a coach it's not the same and sometimes administrators want to think they're players and coaches and get psyched up and rubbed down and all of a sudden for a game well you know it's a wank it's what it is it's a wank it's certainly been a little bit of that um recently rich rich i i wanted to ask it took a couple of years at penrith to get a premiership obviously took a little bit longer um at the bunnies but you got there with the west tigers how long realistically do fans need to wait before uh they can see the west tigers reclaim ninth spot on the premiership table well mate to be totally honest night's night spots are lost yeah well my point is you see you you and i and the fans don't get to decide what we finish it's the players and the coach and how long they go so you never want to put any limits i mean we made we went for wooden spender premiership in two years at penrith but we had all those things in place to be able to do it which i've got at west tigers by the way yeah i'm not saying i'm going to do it in two years but it's south we had to change the whole board and the whole ethos of the club and it took 10 years to get there it took us five or six years we went from shit to average to fair to good to champions you know what i mean so there's a there's a rise as you go through sometimes you go quick from shit to good but it's and we've got the facilities in place but we can't decide what they're going to do but what we can do is put all the things in place that i know makes you win and if you do all those things properly and have discipline with it and work your way through it i know you'll improve how quickly improve is up to the coaching players how does benji go like as as a man who revolutionized the game mind you you know when he came over with that kind of rural new zealand touch footy style we all know there was a before and after with benji as a player is this translating to coaching i mean i know you're probably going to say yes either way but no i'm not going to say yes either way but one thing i will know is i'm a judge of character that's where i've survived so long i'm going to be a player and i look at benji and i really truly it was only last week after we sat down and and talked things through for a couple of hours and made the changes we've made over with luau and and phenyl bloke and a few things like that but my benji marshall is an enigma now steve when you're recruiting players you don't go out looking for that middle ground if you're looking at a player he's got to have something a little bit special in him now if you saw greg ingles at 7a union that you they weren't geniuses melbourne they just paid more than anybody else because everybody knew he was a genius i knew he was a genius but you know i got paul fadaweera they got what's it i mean fat fat one two premises my point about it is though you need something a little different it's the old world of the richos in the 60s and 70s called the it factor you know and and he's got the it factor now how he translates that to hard work because the it factor is one thing and he's got more of an it factor than some of the coaches i've been involved with by the way but but you've got to translate into hard work the groin handling losses and handling wins and you don't handle losses and wins the same way it's all bullshit you know just let's put out for them but at the end of the day he's got to live through that he's got to get experience around him and people around him they're going to make giving every chance to be successful now if that happens then you know he's got every opportunity there's no reason he can't be successful but it's all always up to benji it's not up to me what do you have to give him support yeah undying loyalty and support all right yeah they're becoming they're making up a time like as i've had to do with several coaches i had my career tapped them on the shoulder i mean i brought michael mcguire to the club and then i had to tap him on the shoulder later on let him go he won the first premierships in 71 of the one of the hardest calls i've made in my life but i think it was time it was time for michael and i think you would recognize that now he didn't like me for 12 months or so but at the end of the day though you've got to you've got to be honest truthful and upstanding with them and tell them the truth all the way through and be loyal to them and if they ask a question tell them the truth support them 100% and let them make their own way along the way if they're doing something outlandish then you've got to come in and say something about it but i can't see benji doing too many things that are outlandish well i think you might be making a good pitch for uh west tigers to be ever on second team uh this might be what's happening here mate i'm excited for tiger town i'm excited for uh you know i'm excited for everything to come and um and thank you for being so generous with your time by the way i know you are you know you've got a lot more on your plate than willy mason does when he comes in here and gives us gives us the rundown on what's happening in the nrl the great willy yeah mate um that's been uh that's been a great insight into into the to administrating you know in football clubs for one we don't really get to hear this side of it all so thank you for sharing that with us and all the best this year hey yeah mate no problems at all i'm looking forward to it so um i can't wait thanks for trouble we might see you down there for a long lunch at grappa perhaps no that won't be happening won't be happening let's go to coast golf club from here on friday bye |
dropout | inside_trump_s_oval_office_in_360 | You guys, I've thought about this long and hard, and I'm sorry to say, you're fired. What? You can't fire us. We're the generic presidential advisors. We're always here. Not anymore.
I've hired my freakishly tall, white bully children. Kids, get in here!
You guys, get out. Go build the wall. Hey, where's Tiffany? Shh, don't tell her we're here. Out, go.
Good job, Baron. Great work. Eric, Don Jr., I need you guys to class this place up. We need more columns. Corinthian, not Doric. And put some gold everywhere. Let's really trump this place up.
Daddy, who do you want to appoint to the Supreme Court? I don't know. What's the name of that TV judge? Judge Judy?
Oh God, no. She's horrible. She's the worst.
I was thinking Dr. Phil. Oh, he's actually not a judge. I'm not a politician. We have to fight the elitism of experience.
Right, of course. You're right, Daddy. Daddy's always right, Ivanka. Oh yeah, that's his stuff.
Hey, I got an idea. Hey, Sarah? Yes? Sarah, could you send Chris Christie in here? Right away, Mr. President. Christo, here. Eat this bucket of hot dogs. Hey, Baron? Yeah, Dad? I want you to hit Christo with his bat. Sure.
Oh, that's great. That's fantastic. You know, I wish an audience could see this right now. That would be great. You know, if this was on TV, the ratings would be huge.
And I know, believe me, I've bought all of the channels. Those losers at CNN won't make fun of me anymore. My hair is real. Of course it is, Daddy.
You know what's not real? Global warming. You know, I know more science than any stupid scientist. Oh. Guys? Guys, be quiet. My best friend of the whole world is on the phone. Hey, Vladimir Putin, what's up? What? No.
You're... You're shirtless riding a horse?
I love it. I love when you do that. That's great.
What? You want to take over all of Asia and Eastern Europe? I don't know why we tried to stop you. No, I think it's great.
You know, they have the worst golf courses ever over there.
They sure do. Yeah. We'll fix that once you take them over. No, I'm fine with it. As long as you keep providing me with really hot import wives. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love it. That's great. All right. I love you too.
Bye. Uh, Daddy, the New York Times is saying that Putin has taken over all of Asia and... Also, he's saying that you're a pussy. Big deal.
Who reads the Times? It's also on HuffPo. Ariana Huffington, please. It's trending on Twitter. Twitter?
All right. You know what this means. I am going to launch our nuclear missiles at Russia. No, sir, please don't.
Yeah, who's the pussy now? Not me. I'm fantastic. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_actor_s_journey_snl | Welcome, everybody, to the Independent Film Society's Talkback Series. I'm here with Frankie Tucker, who was recently nominated for his work in the film. Melissa's Kennel. Oh, wow. Thank you. Love you guys. All right, let's jump in. First question. Hi. Big Fan, do you have any advice for young aspiring actors? Yeah, I'd say my advice is dream. 10 years ago, I was living in this crappy apartment in Hollywood. I swear, the roaches were the size of dogs. I've been there. But I said, one day I'm going to make it out of this dump. And I did. You can too. That's really powerful. OK, next? Yeah, question. This crappy apartment, which you speak of, does it happen to be, I don't know, 93 North Carson Avenue, apartment number six? Yeah. Oh, well, OK. I manage that property. And I Thought it'd be fun to come see my old tenants' new film. I Didn't realize I'd be sitting here listening to my uni get dragged to hell. Oh, my god, Tom, I'm sorry. I Only meant to share that I had like a humble beginning. My bad, bud. Yeah, 1,700 bucks from a one bedroom dishwasher in unit shared laundry. But yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. What Do I know? I've just been doing this for 30 years. I Love the film though. OK, let's try and keep the talk back moving. Anyone else? I Just got to ask, how did you memorize all those lines? You know, if I'm such an evil guy, how come I gave you those Venetians for free? Oh, no, I Never said you were evil. And What do you mean Venetians? The Previous tenant left their Venetian blinds. And when you moved in, I left them there. OK, well, thank you for leaving me the blinds, I guess. You know, let's switch gears. Frankie Brought a scene from the film. OK, yeah, this is when my character finds out that Melissa is sick. And Trigger warning, it's pretty intense. OK, what the hell? So As you can see, it's not the dump that he described it as. I mean, how many apartments in LA have a shared pool? I don't know, like two thirds? Why Are you doing this? Well, you talking trash is ruining my business. You're the one showing the address. Look, the building was fine. There were just like a lot of weird people, you know, like that woman who slept on a raft in the pool. What was her name, Christine? Actually, it's Christine. I only slept in the pool when my apartment would get too hot. You're here too? Yeah, I am. Tom got me a tick, and I didn't realize you'd be using your 15 seconds of fame to crap on my head. No, no, Christine, it's not that. See, I Thought we all got along in the building, but I guess not for you. No, no, of course I did. There were tons of fun memories. And I Loved the residents. Name one. I don't know. How about the gay guy, Richie, you know, the super fun, flamboyant, queeny guy? Really? What a description. Call Me the F slur while you're at it. By The way, only you and my pastor knew, so thanks for outing me, bitch. Now You just outed Richie. You Just outed Richie. Nice one. OK. You Just outed Richie. I'm sorry. I Just mean, you know, it was a messy time in my life. Like, I was getting dollar cheese sandwiches from this deli guy with a He-Man haircut, and I was spending all day talking to my first agent, who looked like Voldemort. Yeah, attack a small business owner. Boy, the only person acting like Voldemort is you. Why are all of you here? I'm sorry, OK? Look, sometimes I exaggerate my struggle in Hollywood, but the truth is my real struggle was in grade school. I got bullied. This mean kid named Jeff Stevens, he made my life hell. Oh, it looks like we have a question? Let me guess. It's my childhood bully, Jeff Stevens. No, I'm his widow. Jeff was shocked yesterday. Oh, my god! And For the record, he was really sorry for bullying you. I'm sorry. He was shot yesterday, but you came to this today? I don't know. Just Thought a talkback would help distract me. Boy, was I wrong. Little Guy, everyone, I'm sorry. It just really was a crappy apartment. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I should have brought everyone here. I shouldn't have. It's just they're managing 93 North Curson is really hard. Sometimes I Feel like God cursed me. Wow. Go ahead. I Really just wanted to enjoy an independent movie, but instead, I'm getting dragged to hell. Love To the film, though. |
SaturdayNightLive | safari_planet_saturday_night_live | We ain't' kiddin'' match, Brian Fellow, Safari Planet, Brian Fellow, Safari Planet. Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. he is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God's creatures. Share his love Tonight on. Brian Fellow's, Brian Fellow's, Brian Fellow's, Safari Planet. Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow's Safari Planet. I'm Brian Fellow's.
Tonight, we're going to meet some animals that can fly and others that live out in the country. So let's get going. our first guest likes to hang out in fields next to the interstate. please welcome our baby calf.
And who are you? Hi, my name's Chuck Yates, and I'm from the Organic Farm Academy in New England. Welcome to America, Chuck. No, no, no, I'm from New England, I live in Vermont. I'm Brian Fellow's. Hello, Brian.
I would like you to meet Maggie, She is a baby calf. for a baby, she has a big head. Yes, no, yes, she does. You know, when a cow is born, they weigh between 70 and 100 pounds. I bet that cow is all stuck up with that big head.
Well, no, no, no, Maggie is in fact, very, very healthy. And at the Farm Academy, she actually eats only organic grains.
See, that's an uppity cow. Oh, well, no, no, I don't know about that. But if someone needs to remind that cow, she's a cow. Oh, no, I'm sure that's not a problem. I'm serious. please ask her to stop staring at me and putting on ears. I won't have it. cows are friendly. not that cow.
I've heard enough. you need to take that big head and go back to England. All right, fine.
I'm sorry about that, folks. we will cut that out for the reruns. my next guest enjoys being a mascot for sports teams. please welcome, uh-oh. Oh, hi, I'm Nat Cannon from the Wildlife Habitat in Keirville, Texas. I'm Brian Fellow.
Hi, Brian. well, I would like you to meet my friend Zipper. she's a red-tailed hawk. there must be an interesting story of how they named that red-tailed hawk. Uh, yeah, well, it's a hawk. And it's got a red tail. that's crazy. you're a good storyteller. Now, what do hawks eat? Well, their diet consists mainly of rodents. they held a mice-eating contest. who would win, a cat or a hawk? Oh, definitely the hawk.
What if the cat was a competitive mice-eater from Japan? Uh, well, I've never heard of that, But maybe the cat?
I thought so. Is it true that red-tailed hawks mate for life? That is absolutely right. Yes, the hawk along with the horned owl.
Hello, Brian. I'm having a tea party. I would have invited you, but you're not fancy enough. I don't even want to go to your tea party, stuck-up cow. excuse me, a party? I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the cow. tell me more about your bird.
All right, well, red-tailed hawks are often found in.
Brian, I've decided I will invite someone to my tea party. really? Meet my friend, Kitayachi. he's a professional Japanese mouse-eater. Konnichiwa, Brian fellow.
Oh, you arrogant cow! get out of my face! All right, you know, I'm gonna get my hawk and get out of here.
I bet you're going to that tea party, aren't you? This is all the time we have for today. join me next time when my guest will be a turkey who will see the pardon from the President. that's crazy. I'm Brian Fellow. cheering and applause. |
cracked | super_mario_odyssey_beyond_good_and_evil_2_e3_2017_review_more_this_week_in_epcd | Headquarters and Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of excessive pop culture discussion. I'm your host Daniel Ryan This is the unscripted pop culture show where we talk about everything that happened in pop culture this week and it has nothing to do with politics or the president every week. I will host and I'll be joined by rotating cast Sun of a bitch Wow you don't Amanai again The two other people will no longer be joining us.
Don't look in the closet. Beat them up and put on their clothes.
How this keeps happening, but joining me this week and for the rest of my life, Soren Bui. Hi. Maggie Mayfish. Hi. Thanks for joining, guys. How's your week going?
Pretty solid. Yeah. Good, great.
So today we're going to be talking about E3 and we're going to be talking about Bachelor in Paradise, and whatever weird thing Soren thinks is pop culture related, it gets to be his turn. But first, I want to talk about Celebrity Feud. So let's get into this week in pop culture. So Celebrity Feud right now, huge thing. Amber Rose, who is a model and actor and has like some kind of singing career and activist.
Yeah. She Instagrammed a photo of herself exposing her pubic hair and not her vagina or breasts or butt or anything like that. Yeah. The view of Carrie is pretty close. I know. It was close, but still. I know. That's adjacent. Yeah.
And then Piers Morgan, who is that fancy cartoon hedgehog from Toy Story 3, he tweeted at her, put it away, love, and she said, put what away? And then they got into a Twitter fight where he wants her to stop posting pictures of herself because she's only doing it to get attention. And she's like, I kind of am. I'm trying to drive awareness for Slutwalk, which is like the third year in a row that she's been doing this thing to help people feel better about body issues and gender issues. She's just like, raise awareness for people who need awareness. And he's still doing this like, if a man did this, if a man posted naked pictures of himself on the internet, he'd go to jail.
And she was like, I'm not naked in it. That's not where the action happened. Yeah.
Oh, no. Does Piers Morgan not know? He doesn't know.
And then she tweeted at him a picture of Adam Levine from, he's that guy that everyone's mom thinks about when they masturbate. It's him. He's completely naked. He's the fifth of the Maroons.
Yeah.
And a hand is like covering his wiener and balls. And she's like, would this be someone trying to get attention too? Would you say that this guy was just like some tramp trying to get attention? No, because he's trying to bring awareness to a cause about testicular cancer. She's like, I have a cause too. I don't understand how this is happening. And then he tweeted a picture of himself naked laying down in front of a fireplace with like a napkin over his junk for a Burger King ad.
Yeah. Wait.
Whose side is he on? It's not really clear. He posted a picture of himself wearing, basically doing the Burt Reynolds, but instead of a puppy, he's got a, like David Hasselhoff, but Reynolds has nothing.
He's just got like a purple napkin and it's like Burger King. You can f*** their burgers.
I don't understand. Also, it's weird that that exists. It's not all Whoppers are that big. No. It's just insane that Piers Morgan and Amber Rose are fighting on Twitter and he's just losing so desperately. And I love it.
Well, also her charity, it started because I think it was back in like 2013, some women were picked up off the street and the police officer told them, if you don't dress like sluts, you wouldn't be sexually assaulted on the street. And like that was on record and he had to like give an apology or whatever. But yeah, her cause is like supporting, you know, wearing whatever you want, like gender identity. It's sad when like the bar for a cause is like, if we can get one thing through, let's just get it in writing somewhere that cops can stop calling women sluts.
It's baby steps at this point. We just make sure that doesn't happen anymore. It also appears Morgan to be like, that's the hell I die on. Like they know. No. Yeah. It's crazy. I mean, if I was Piers Morgan and I saw myself being painted into that corner where she's like, here's Adam Levine and he's naked, what is, how is this any different? Your only out is to say it's not any different. He shouldn't have done that either to then say it's fine. He's a boy and he understands causes is like, oh no, where do you think you're going? The other celebrity feud that's been going on this week is Katy Perry versus Taylor Swift. Yes.
Something that in a meeting, Soren and I explained to the rest of the team, like there's like a sales meeting or something that we locked the doors and explained it to them. No one asked us to do that. They're not allowed out on the phone and I saw a moment where no one was talking.
So I just started. Hey, you guys heard about this feud? Allegedly, Taylor hired a bunch of Katy Perry's dancers to go on tour with her. All the way around. And then, no, it started that way. And then Katy came and took those dancers back one time.
And then Taylor Swift wrote Bad Blood, which is allegedly about Katy Perry and their feud. And Katy Perry now has an album coming out and she was like, I want to end this feud. Taylor, if you call me or text me, we can, we can settle this. And Taylor, who's a f***ing shark, she's goat troll, she famously kept all of her music off Spotify and streaming services. And then the day Katy Perry's album came out, released all of her music to the world.
To just flood her, yeah, flood with noise. Yeah. Dang. Just Taylor Swift is Queen Cersei, I'll go to my grave on that, that she is just like this calculating beautiful f***ing genius. I mean, I believe that.
Because also another thing came out that after her and Calvin Harris broke up, she did vocals on a very popular song that he produced, but she chose to do it anonymously. And afterwards it was like, he didn't give me credit for that song.
And he was like, you asked for it. You asked for it.
Yeah, it was the circumstances under which of the stealing of the backup dancers is that Katy Perry had backup dancers. She went on a break or whatever. She wasn't on tour anymore. Taylor Swift had hired those dancers. And then when she went back to work, Katy was like, do you guys still want to work for me? And they were like, yeah. She took her dancers back.
And Taylor Swift was like, no. Everyone here is going to burn. Nobody calls Taylor Swift. We're all going to die one day.
Why? Why are we flying?
But I need the best dancers, or some of them, I don't know. These specific ones.
I also, I feel bad for Katy Perry, I guess, because she has like a promotional stunt for her album. She spent four straight days live streaming every minute of her life and like, posting people. You know, because you need to do stunts now. You have to do, if you're releasing an album, you have to do Lemonade. You have to do something big so people talk about it. You're like, well, I'm going to live in my house for four days with cameras everywhere, like a big brother house.
And Taylor Swift is like, boop, just presses a button. And all of her music steals all of this attention immediately. And now it's day two and Katy Perry's like, well, f*** this.
I'm watching you cook, everybody. He's so sick of this s***. Just thinking about who those dancers are, I have to wonder if they're all just that one lanky kid with the Jansport backpack on swinging his arms back and forth. Did you guys not see that video?
No. Oh, yeah. She went on, I don't know where it was, some late night talk show and she performed, or maybe, I don't know, some award show, but it was something. And the only dancer there was this kid who just came out and smoke is all around him and he's maybe like 14. And he just swings his arms back and forth for like five minutes. Oh, wow. Yeah.
My dream can't come true.
Oh, yes. He's the one they're fighting over. That's what I'm hoping. That's the guy. Oh, man.
All right, Maggie, what do you have for us this week? All right, so this is big news, ABC.
They canceled the Bachelor in Paradise show, which if you don't know, the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows are their highest rated shows. And between each season they have Bachelor in Paradise, which is where they take all the biggest a-holes from the various shows. Oh, it's losers from the other... The biggest personalities. The biggest personalities and put them all on an island and give them lots of alcohol. Apparently what happened was one night one of the female contestants got very inebriated and something occurred in a pool that an associate producer saw this happen and filed a sexual assault claim, which is kind of bananas because that's like the first time this has ever happened on a dating show.
We've been so lucky up until now. We've been so lucky. I know that this hasn't happened sooner is crazy.
And yeah, they sent everybody home. All the contestants are back home.
They're not finishing the season. They're canceling it, which is just kind of crazy. They're putting everything on hold until they go through like the legal process.
Oh, man. So it's just there was somebody who is not of sound mind to consent? To consent. And apparently it was something to the sort of like light touching, that kind of thing. And yeah, I guess they even like reviewed the tapes and decided, yeah, we have to send everybody home. So...
That's very sad, obviously, but a tremendous step forward for us as a society that like that A, there are people speaking up and B, it matters that a company like ABC will shut down... Stop production, yeah. Stop production on this cash cow because a wrongdoing happened, you know. We've come a long way from Roger Ailes sexually assaulting his entire staff for 900 years or however long that ****ing glob goes, eternal end up living.
Yeah. And especially as somebody who... You say it was associate producer? Yeah. Associate producer. Yeah. That's somebody who would be like, the show must go on. Like there's so much money writing on this. And that's somebody who stopped it all and said, no, I don't care what we have to eat in order to do this. Yeah.
Like this needs to stop. And then to me, it was like reminding me of like, you know, we think reality TV is like scripted, but like stuff like this happens and it's like, well, it's not that scripted. And also like when reality TV is too real, it's just like not funny.
Yeah. You know, like when a murderer is on the dating show that... What's his face? That's right. Right? Yeah. We've come a long way from MTV's Jersey Shore where Snooki gets punched in the face and MTV is like, we're not going to air that in the episode, but we'll like show it to you as a promo for the show. Right. We think this is like too dark for the episode, but like if you haven't been watching this show, it's wild. Check it out. Look, this woman gets punched in the face by a stranger. Oh. Yeah. Have you seen it? Yeah, that is. It's weird to like juxtapose those, to put those two together because wow, that would not fly today. Yeah.
There's also an associate producer speaking up to fix this reminds me. I wish I could get into specifics, but there's a person who used to work for us, a freelance editor for us, and she was working on a big comedy movie last year. It's a comedy and in a very low level position, but they did like either a script reader or early screening and they're like, what does everyone think?
And she was like, that one scene is technically rape, so change it. And they were like, you know, 6,000 guys were like, oh yeah, she's right. We should change that. And then they changed the scene in the movie. It's just like all these little heroes popping up making things better. Sometimes it takes a different perspective.
Yeah. That was wise of you, Maggie. Oh, you know what? Every once in a while, I say something once a month. Well, I'm glad it's a weekly show. What do you have for us this week, Soren? Okay. This is pop culture related. Okay. But it's going to take you a while to get there. Prove it.
So United, the airline, has gone full heel where they're not even trying to refurbish their image or trade out and make everyone think that they're better. They just keep making huge mistakes. And being completely unapologetic about it.
This flight that was going from Newark to Italy to Venice. And as they're on the tarmac, that was for you, by the way. That wasn't for even, that wasn't for like, oh, Dan loves Italy. No. Dan's a big fan of Newark. How can you be a fan of that flight?
And so this newlywed couple are on their honeymoon.
They look out the window and on the tarmac, they just see the wing erupt jet fuel. Like it just turns pouring out the side of the plane. And so he gets up out of his seat and goes to the flight attendant.
And she's like, sit back down. And he's like, no, no, no. I think there's a real problem. And she's like, is it an emergency? And he goes, I don't know. And she says to him, everything is fine. Go sit down.
And it took him a while to actually even get these flight attendants to look out the window. And when they finally did, they're like, oh, yeah, that's not right. There's a step in flight attendant school where they're like, listen, you're the most powerful thing on the planet. Because I've never seen anyone get more corrupt on such little amounts of power. They milk the, sir, that's not going to fit.
I put on a sign that says you need to be strapped to your fucking seat. Did you see that sign? When you're in my tube, you belong to me.
So anyway, they finally figured it out. The pilot was like, oh, yeah, we can't take off with this. And then the flight attendants, respectfully, they came back to this couple and they said, hey, sorry about that.
Come to the cockpit. The captain wants to meet you. What, is he nine? They go to the cockpit. The captain, the pilot, the co-pilot are like, oh, check it out.
We have footage from up here of what it looks like. And they had never seen anything like it either. So they're showing them the footage. And then it becomes clear what's going on.
They go, listen, just be kind to us on social media. They're trying to butter them up. Like, hey, you get to see the cockpit. They're like, if you're nice to us, United will take care of you. And they were like, yeah, all right, no sweat.
So if they get off the plane, realize that United can't book them on another flight. They go over to Delta. And Delta's going to help them get on a flight the next morning. But then they have to sleep in the baggage claim. And the way that United hooked them up was they gave them a food voucher. Hey. And didn't help them get on another flight. Well, EWR, that airport, does have a Chili's to go.
So that's pretty interesting. Oh, OK. I revised my appeal. I mean, have you had that case on deck? Worth it.
So it gets even worse. Because then United sent out basically a press release on what happened. Didn't acknowledge that these people basically saved the day. But said, you know, while taxiing on the runway, United Flight 170, traveling from Newark to Italy, that there was this fuel leak.
And we canceled the flight. Sorry. We had to reaccommodate people. They said that we apologize to our customers for the inconvenience. Our team helped provide customers with hotel accommodations for the night and are working to get them back on their way to Venice today. They didn't help this couple get on their flight. They also didn't give them accommodations.
And the woman who posted this all on Tumblr, because she was the one who saw the fuel leaking out of the plane, now everyone's responding to her. And they're like, I was on that flight. They didn't give me shit. And so they're like, what caused the fuel leak? Some uppity passenger who refused to sit down when the light was on. So the very same day in Houston, in the George Bush airport there, the 71-year-old man was arguing about his flight to a flight attendant in the terminal.
United Flight? I'm not a, yeah, United. It's United again. And it's not a flight attendant. It was just a man who was working for United at the kiosk or whatever the desk is.
And the guy decided eventually that he had enough and pushed the 71-year-old man to the ground and knocked him out and then stood over him for a little while and then walked away. And there's footage of all this. And no one goes to help this dude. There's just a sprawled man with a yard sale. It's just cane over there, baggage over there. And he's sprawled out on the ground. And nobody's doing anything. And this guy walks away like, that's what I thought.
What? And yeah.
And this is a United employee. And United had to apologize for that as well because they knocked out a 71-year-old man.
That could have been Stan Lee. He's sprawled. It could have been someone important. The old man looked like Stan Lee to me. It could have been a 71-year-old innocent man also. It could have been Stan Lee. Or it could have been just like a Stanley.
Yeah. And so these both happened on the exact same day. Oh, boy.
And the only reason that everybody knows about them and the only reason that these airlines are accountable for this kind of thing now is because Twitter and people putting stuff up on Facebook and on YouTube. And so there's video of both of these things. And all that went viral. Otherwise, I don't think United would have ever put out any sort of apology or press release. Oh, no. They preemptively were like, oh, we've got to control this story.
How do we make it seem fine? It's just a fuel ink. It's fine. And so I was like, why is it?
Like, how come airlines can constantly get away with this? It's because there are like four airlines that own 80% of all of airline travel. And you're stuck with them. They're like the Comcast of the air, United. And they can do kind of whatever they want to the point where, like, for a while, everyone was like, you've got to give them a break.
Jet fuel is very expensive. In 2014, it was like the highest it's ever been. And then by 2016... A lot of money.
And I can't even melt steel. Oh, boy.
And then in 2016, the prices had dropped dramatically. 2017, it's even lower.
But the ticket prices haven't gone down to accommodate that. But also they're going to make as much f***ing money as they can because who else are you going to go to?
Spirit? I don't think so. You want to fly Spirit, you get beaten with a cane on the flight. I'm sure of it.
And so they're just like they can gouge however they want. The only way that you can ever get back at them is these kinds of things. Like, these people can post the video and be like, look, look what happened on my flight.
It was spewing jet fuel and we almost all died. United is the one where they dropped scorpions on people, right? Yes. United is the one where a scorpion fell out of the baggage hole or the top baggage hole and fell onto a man. And somebody next to him went, a scorpion! A scorpion! And that was just days after that. That man had been dragged off the flight. Oh, damn. And like, nothing happened. No one boycotted United after that. In fact, bonk. Oh, no, a scorpion!
And everyone's like, oof. All right. Like, trying to get to Tampa or whatever. And I think that that's when they realized, that's where United like held their breath for a second. They're like, generally, I don't think airlines have scorpions fall on people. But because everyone kind of just let the story go, they were like, we could do anything. Let's push down 71-year-old men. This is United Airlines in the Truman Show where he's like walking into traffic, and none of the cars are here. Yeah.
I think I'm gone. Un invincible.
Well, they also get a bunch of government subsidies and stuff, which is like, that's why trains are so expensive. It sucks because for real...
I like trains. I would dig trains all day. I wanted that to be on your tombstone. I like trains.
Well, that was This Week in Headlines. Let's move on to the main story. Doo doo doo doo doo doo, the main story.
Or we could just use the music we have. Yeah, I think we... Oh, is there any little interlude that comes up?
E3. E3 was this week, the week that we're recording this thing. E3 is the big celebration of all things video games, and all the big players come out and they're like, here's the new system we're doing, here's the new games that we're doing, probably a call of duty. And we see a lot of footage to get us hyped for games coming out the next year. Meg, do you take issue with this footage in general? Yeah, well, I love video games and I love getting excited about video games. I think E3, as a whole, is kind of just like, just for YouTubers to, you know, I guess for us to comment on. Hi.
The stupid YouTubers. The stupid YouTubers, I am meaning games.
But yeah, the trailers, they don't actually include like gameplay footage. So, you know, it's kind of like getting excited for something that we don't know is going to be good until another year from now when we see the actual trailer. Right. It's not even that they're not showing you gameplay footage, but they're also not showing you like, because very often it's cutscenes. It's these movie intro things. But even that is not the actual cutscene you're going to see in the game. Right. It's like they have a team of people that do CGI movies about their games that on processors that can't exist in your PS4 or your Xbox OneBox. They have Xbox OneBox.
I know. They've made their name pretty wacky. I know.
That said, Mario Odyssey, the new Mario Brothers game, came out and it's like Mario 64, where it's an open world and you're following him instead of doing like a side-scroller or anything like that. And it looks f***ing bonkers. There's one where one of the levels takes place in what looks like an actual city with like full-sized men walking around with like briefcases and like those cars. It looks like Grand Theft Auto and he's still like squat little Mario. The strange thing that they've added in this game is that Mario takes his hat and throws it on anything like a Goomba, for example.
And then the Goomba's soul goes away, we don't know. And Mario now inhabits that soul. Well, he's dead. The Goomba's dead and Mario can now control the Goomba.
He can also hat-warp into bullets and cars and a very life-like realistic Tyrannosaurus Rex that exists in this world. That was a yes. I think it goes as far as the plants that come out and shoot fireballs, he can warg into one of the fireballs. Yeah. Dang. And it's, I mean, the game has never been bound by the laws of reality before, but this is like, I don't know why for me, I was like, yeah, Mario, he eats a leaf and then he's a raccoon and the raccoon flies. I'm on board. Right. But now this is like, this might be a bridge too far for me, although I'm very excited.
I think a game like this should exist where you can like, I can just be anything with a toss of the old hat, but I don't know why it's a Mario game. And there was an AMA with the producer and they asked him, why can he possess people all of a sudden? And the answer was, so when we wanted to create Mario games this time around, we wanted to focus on the actions Mario can do, and in previous Mario games, he's able to get power-ups and new abilities. But this time around, when we were making many different prototypes and changed our approach and found capturing or possessing enemies worked well, so we stuck with that.
That's not an answer. Yeah. Hey, why'd you do this thing? Well, we wanted to do something and we did this. I think I've answered the question. There's a whole new implication to that, which is that Mario has not been complicit in this the entire time.
He's just been wearing the hat. Yeah. And the hat has... Why is that hat? He's so stupid. He was just a little guy who then the hat attached itself to. I think they also get mustaches as soon as they get the hat on. Yeah, of course. So the mustache just appeared on him and then it's just been this poor plumber has been wearing this hat this entire time and has been forced, his body's been forced into all these scenarios where he dies over and over again.
I feel like every Mario game kind of has the exact same setup, like it's a Mario game in a world and there's one weird thing about it, either you're jumping into paintings or it's Mario Sunshine and you're cleaning up a place and this is just that thing. You kind of just replace one thing with something that could be fun to play with. I'm excited about it. It looks really cool. Yeah, it looks like a whole lot of fun.
I have so many questions though because he goes into another city. Mario's supposed to be from our world, but he goes into a normal city and everyone's bodies are much more normal there. They look like actual humans except Mario's still this squat little weirdo who is running around, which makes me think, oh, you were the luckiest guy that you fell down that, whatever that hole was, that took you to this other world where it was like, oh yeah, everybody looks a little more like you here.
Just stick around. I do think it's important to point out that, hey, there's no such thing as a normal body. Aww. Accessory. Mario's body's so weird. If you saw him, you'd have a really hard time just ignoring that.
We also found out that there's going to be a new Sonic the Hedgehog game called Sonic Mania, and we'll get to you, Maggie.
I just have a face on. I'm just wearing this face.
I am very excited about this game. I've always been a Sonic the Hedgehog fan. That was a joke opportunity. I could have been dramatically mispronouncing Sonic the way I do Mario. I just never discussed it. Sanic. And they're really doing a return to form where it's not f***ing Dreamcast Sonic. Get out of my house with that. It's 2D-scroller Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles, and they're all buddies, and a lot of the levels are the same, and they've got a bunch of new, exciting levels, but no magic hat stuff.
There's some other really dope things that they've added where he can get a bubble. You know who used to get the protective bubble that if he gets the shield? Now he has a fire one where he's got a ball of fire around him, and he can literally burn bridges by running across them and just like burn Emerald City to the ground, and I'm so ready for this game. We've sort of lost sight of his original goal, where he starts burning Emerald City to the ground.
Absolutely. Just looking birds as he goes past them. Yeah. Just freeing rabbits and lighting them on fire. I took great comfort in the old games that I grew up on, so games are very complex for me, but a Sonic is coming out that's just like the old Sonic, so I bought a PlayStation 4 this week, so now I'm going to buy a Sonic game, and no other games. There's some more context to this. You should all know that Dan is a child when he would mow the lawn.
Instead of listening to whatever popular music was on at the time, in his headphones would be Casino Zone or whatever. Mystic Cave Zone.
Music, that's my one complaint, is that Masato Nakamura, who did all the music for all the OG Sonic games, he's not returning for this. They're getting this guy, T Lopez, who's very good. His claim to fame was doing a bunch of Sonic remixes on YouTube, and I've listened to the stuff that he's doing, and it's as close as you can get to the great Masato Nakamura.
Don't cut any of the shots on me. I want it known that I didn't look down for anything. I want it known that it's all up here forever.
Oh, boy.
But Maggie, you don't like this game because... Yeah, to me, I'm not a huge fan of the 2D scroller.
I like Sonic being in a morphing environment. Yeah, that's my preference. I like him snowboarding through San Francisco. That's what I want in my side.
Did you guys not play Sonic Adventure 2? No, I did.
It was chaos for me because he moved so fast. Chaos emeralds. He moved so fast. So great.
You fly off of cliffs. You fly in enemies.
Because you can't see where... At least with 2D, I can look ahead. I know where I'm going. Guys, maybe you're just not as good players as me.
Yes, that's a thousand percent. That's one hundred percent. That's what I'm saying.
But it wasn't... The Sonic...
Knuckles was first introduced. That was the first time that I understood... Knuckles was so scary. He was a bad guy at first. I love Knuckles.
Yeah. That was the first time I understood where you could actually play within a game something other than what the game wanted you to do. Because Knuckles could climb walls. As soon as you could play as Knuckles, like, you could just climb to the top of the level and then just coast over the top of the entire level. Or, like, hang out up there or do whatever you wanted to. No, that's not what you do in a Sonic. You follow the rules. You start there and you go there and you get the things and you free the animals and then your brain releases something that makes you feel good. Oh, Dan. I just like that Knuckles didn't have to play by those rules. Knuckles could just, like, hang out up on top of everything. He still plays by no rules.
When I got my... I'm very excited for this game. I can't freaking wait for it. When I got my...
Because I got my PlayStation 4 controller and there's, like, top buttons and a touchscreen and all these things. I'm just staring and just, like, knowing I'm not going to use... My hands haven't evolved to use the top buttons. I'm this mode still. Do you remember as a child? I hope I don't have games that need them. When your parents would try and play with Nintendo and how basic shit that box controller was and they would be like, this on it?
And now that's you. You've grown into that. I'm a parent? No, I'm just irrelevant.
A bunch of other new games coming out. There's going to be a new Yoshi game, a new Kirby game, a Metroid 4. Ooh, Kirby. These are all the Switch games, right? Yeah. Kirby looks like an updated Crystal Shards, which is one of my favorite games. I mean, there are a lot of other systems out there that are getting games. Oh, yeah.
We're going to get to a lot of these. I know that Maggie wanted to. She's excited about Kirby.
Yeah. I never got... Yes, that's good. The only time I've encountered Kirby is in Smash Bros. He does the same thing as Mario in this new game, right? Where he sucks somebody in and then he becomes sort of them? Yes. And you can mix different powers, which in the Crystal Shards, that was kind of like you'd have to memorize what different things would mix to go through the level. Now, Kirby, he boy, he girl? No, such thing. He is bubblegum. It. Yeah. I mean, bubblegum is gendered. I'm less excited about games for a system that I don't have. But if Nintendo came out at this thing and said Super Smash Bros. is coming to Switch, then I'm buying Super Smash Bros. then. Yeah.
But they didn't announce it this time. I don't think they're going to make it for another couple of years. I think the last time they made it.
But I'll be even older. I know.
They thought they were taking a break from making Smash games for a couple of years.
Oh, yeah, certainly. Why go after your A-list? Yeah.
A trailer was released for Wolfenstein 2. A lot of people were really excited about that. It's one of the most bonkers trailers I've ever seen.
It starts with live action commercials in a world that assumes the Nazis won and has spread to America, it sounds like. It seems to be, yeah. It's like game shows that are called German or else, or German or nothing. German or else. Yeah. And it's all commercials with all these terrifying looking Aryan people.
Very happy though. They're smiling.
Yeah. There's a cartoon where the hero is clearly a Nazi who shatters the earth and then the Statue of Liberty splits in half and we're all supposed to cheer. Right. And then we look at the game and it's allegedly going to be a Wolfenstein game. Right now it's like six and a half minutes of a guy joining a resistance. B.J. joining the resistance. And ideally fighting Nazis eventually. Yeah, I guess. Right. I don't know how much of that is all cut season. Like what you could possibly be doing before you join that resistance. Yeah. Like what the game consists of before that point. Because otherwise you get like 15 minutes of exposition.
Heavily drinking. Of him waking up in whatever the hospital that is. Learning to walk again.
Yeah. Taking care of his atrophied muscles for a few months. Right. Knowing that this is, knowing that I just bought a system and this is the future of video games, I like that I can wake up, start a game, and like make coffee and hang out with my dog while it's going. And then I have to be like, oh it's ready for me? No? Okay. Good. And then just back to my life for a while.
I'm of the opposite opinion as Maggie where these trailers I love. The trailers for games where, I don't give a shit if I get to see gameplay or not. Because all they're doing, it's like an old school trailer for a movie. Before we started giving away everything in the movie, it was just setting the tone for what this world is going to be. And like here's the atmosphere you can generally expect from what this game.
And that's what I want. I want to be able to like see all that.
And get really excited about beyond good and evil. Beyond good and evil too.
It's a prequel to a Ubisoft game that came out 15 years ago. And people have been waiting for it for a very long time. Okay. For 15 years?
Rough. Maggie. Yeah! Maggie, you snake.
It has this very fifth element feel to the whole thing. And it's just, the world is something that I'm excited about. And think, oh that looks cool. We don't see an ounce of gameplay in that.
We see this like Cockney Street monkey with a grapple hook hand. Talk to a pig with a long fumanchu. And the monkey robot trades him a golden pig for this CD that he wants. Still using CDs by the way. And then it turns out the golden pig was chocolate and it was a scam. And we watch the cool monkey escape. Like grappling hook stuff.
And I know that I can't play that but I'm still like, that's me, I'm that one. Look at what I'm doing. It gets on a motorcycle and it's very much like some weird like, Steampunk, Destiny plus Firefly plus Monkey and I'm here for it. And I watch trailers like God of War which is a series that I played all the way through and I enjoy. But I also know watching the trailer, this is the best it's going to be. Because as soon as I start playing the game, I learn about three moves that I really like and that's it. Throughout the whole game like those are the ones I'm going to do.
There's other ones that are either too complicated or they don't look as cool. And so everyone's going to die this one exact way.
God of War is doing a really cool thing with that. Like they're really building on that franchise because this installment, the God of War has a son. We don't know what it's the God of yet. But like the God of War is now, the game is killing things I'm sure. But also like figuring out how to raise your kid as a God. And like he's grappling with the violence that he's done in all the past games. And that's going to inform the gameplay somehow.
That's always sort of been the narrative. Because he's always been trying to avenge his family who died. But it was his fault that they died.
And I don't know completely in the narrative where this new child has come from. Because I haven't been following it.
Isn't this also the video game series where you like f***ing it? Yeah you can. As games? You can. It's more tasteful though.
It's panned away and then you just see like a table rocking. I don't need to use any of the top buttons to do it. It's just a table rocking.
You got to use the buttons. You got to get the buttons right. All of them. You got to like do it in the right motion and everything. And like you got to go slow sometimes and fast sometimes.
Damn. Pierce Morgan is not going to be able to... Oh. That's such a great jump to... Pierce Morgan tweets a picture of himself in like a hamburger diaper.
And you're like, I bet you can't f***ing video games. I bet your sims suck. But yeah, the game is...
Now he's got a kid with him who's like, yeah he's got to take care of this kid. And the kid's like, am I cursed? Because Kratos is cursed in this.
And he's like, I don't know. I don't know.
And now it's all Norse mythology which is kind of cool. And it seemed like they might be somewhat dabbling in like Hindu mythology too. Because there are some characters that look very familiar. But it would be really cool to just watch him now jump out of ancient Greek mythos and go into like, oh now let's go see what happened in the Old Testament so you can kill there. There's also an Assassin's Creed coming out probably.
There is. I'm most excited about Anthem. Yes. Which you design your own mech suit and what it looks like and what it can do. And then it's real. You have it.
And you fight and hunt monsters. And that's not to be confused with another game coming out this year called Monster Hunter. Oh yes. This is a... Hunted Monsters I think. Hunted Monsters? I think is what it's called. Yeah. Alright. But in this world... Does anybody know? Is it Hunted Monsters? Monster Hunter.
Okay. Alright. We're leaving it all in.
Maybe. But yeah. I'm very excited to build a mech suit and fly around because they can fly and they can go underwater. Also it looked beautiful. Like flying through the forest. Not like there was crystals falling. Yeah.
And you watch them in this forest. And you get to a spot where there's a big monster. And your only goal in the game is to kill monsters. But it's two people playing together. And the player decides, we'll come back to that one later. And they go find an easier monster to fight.
That's sort of my vibe. Yes! My vibe.
Anyone who has seen me play Horizon Zero Dawn here on the website. You've watched me murder a bunch of turkeys while like cyborg dinosaurs were in the background wanting to play. And I'm just like turkey.
Yeah. I wonder if I can shoot that turkey with a flaming arrow. No I can. Oh great. Yeah. That's everything about that game but like there's like these little nuances where you're flying around in the trailer and you can see going underneath a canopy and just brushing up against some of the vines. And the vines move. And you're like you can touch anything here. Yeah. That's all I'm a sucker for in games. Like realism. Just like tiny little details. Yeah. Like right around Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater where when that game came out they were like by the way you can shoot fucking anything. Whatever you want. I was like oh this is what I've been waiting for. I'm shooting boxes and trees. This is cool. Yeah.
It's kind of the opposite of the Uncharted that just came out. Like it seems like it's very you know like interactive but really you can't do that much. You can't like you know shoot random civilians. It's kind of like still really contained. I like to think that I like all of that realism in games but then I realize the games that I play are things like Lego Batman.
Yeah. And I'm like oh no I just want a world where I can fuck everything up. Right. Me too. Like it doesn't matter. There's a game. Shoot. Did you watch the one that the Prison Break game? I did. Yeah.
It's called A Way Out. A Way Out. Yeah. It's these two guys in prison who need to work together. To find a way out. To find a way out of prison.
And then they get out of prison and like you see them in the woods walking around and you see like they go to see the daughter of one of the guys who was in prison. And they're like hey I just wanted to see my daughter. And it seemed really touching like a good indie film and I'm like what the fuck does that?
How do you play this game? Like it felt less like a game and more like they had made a movie and they want you to every once in a while press square to get to the next part of their movie. It's really hard to tell what the gameplay is going to be.
Yeah. It does.
It seems like the most pivotal moments in it are all like oh there's no way I'm playing that. There's one guy jumping over a cliff edge and there's another guy trying to catch him and I'm like I don't even know which guy I am. I'm just sort of rooting for both of them. And if you have to play with another person then I'm going to make a lot of enemies in video games real soon because I can't. I mean some of those buttons you guys remember they're just off limits for me.
It's a bar.
It's when you say that because you like the idea of the new Sonic coming out. Mario did a similar thing where they created a game that felt very much like the old versions of Mario.
Yeah. And you can play a team version and it can destroy relationships. Sure. Play with somebody else because the screen moves on no matter what if one person keeps moving on. So who have you lost? Yeah. There's people who finished this game with Thousand Yard Stairs because everyone they used to know and love is gone. If they did that a way out footage with me and a guy is jumping, I'm the other guy on the side of the cliff and you see me crouch, turn around, fire a flare in the sky, just plummets down this pit. How does that sound turkey?
I don't know.
Let's see if I can do it. Shoot that cloud. I do.
I would love if everything we saw in the trailer was just cutscenes and then when they cut to gameplay, it is exactly kung fu from Nintendo. It's just... It's just double dragon. You're just like walking around eating whole roast turkeys.
Do you guys have anything more to say about video games? There are a lot of games that I don't play because I don't have a newer console.
But I always feel tricked this time of year in the same way where I used to listen to the radio and get tricked into Christian Rock where I'll be looking at a YouTube video and there'll be a trailer for something that looks cool and I'll be like, I love movie trailers. Let's see what this movie is. And I'll watch the first three minutes of it before I'm like, oh this is a fucking game.
So I'm a dummy. Yeah, I guess...
Skull and Bones I thought looked pretty tight. It looks so real. Which one was Skull and Bones?
It's the pirate. It kind of seems like Assassin's Creed minus the Assassin. You're a pirate. Yeah, like in charge of a pirate game. So not that Assassin's Creed. No, not that Assassin's Creed. Whether you were a pirate.
Yeah, yeah. But a different one. But the same thing, but just a different character.
It looks beautiful and if there's a pirate in it I'll probably play it. Oh, there's a new Shadow of Colossus which is an awesome game. Speaking of beautiful games like Anthem, Shadow of Colossus is just like a portrait. It's amazing looking. Is Shadow of Colossus also the subheading for Wolfenstein 2?
No. Isn't it something of Colossus? Yes. Oh boy. Oh well. Well, copycat.
I'm sure we'll fix it in post. The shows are going great. It's good. It sounds like Maggie won E3 because there's going to be a pirate game.
You lost because you were tricked again. I lost because of money.
And your fingers don't work on those top ones. Yeah. Don't they work?
You're a Mario in a human world. Yeah, I'm exactly a Mario in a human world.
It's a really good one, man. Let's turn to reader, comment, viewer questions. Bluebird1770 said, how do you see all the reaction shows changing pop culture over the next 10 years? That's like walking dead or talking dead and talking bad and talking preacher, I guess. Why bother with that one? It's strange.
It's going to all seem hypocritical because we're doing a show where we talk about pop culture right now. Well, we're talking about them talking about pop culture. For years we were doing this show After Hours, which is four people sitting around heavily scripted deconstructing pop culture. And people responded to it because they were like, oh, this is just like sitting with my friends talking about a movie we just saw. And we thought it was that vibe coupled with the amount of research and thoroughness that we put into it. And then talking dead came out and it was like, no, I just want people who watch the show to talk about it.
It doesn't matter. Right. Like this is scratching. Like that's an itch that exists now that just is begging to be scratched for lots of shows. There's a huge podcast industry that is just people talking about Bachelor and Bachelorette. Yeah.
I don't like that.
It bothers me when like showrunners start to take an input from like fandoms and like after talks. It's like, you got to keep that separate because that's going to get super messy. They don't know what they want from their TV show. They want you to make it. Then they want to tell you if they like it or don't like it. And yeah, certainly we're complicit in this, but it's the explosion of the hot take. And the hot take is not usually very good. And so you end up with so much just noise that these theories around the show that I don't think are particularly good. I guess occasionally I have good ones, but I am with you that I don't like it when the show is then like embraces something from the real world and brings it into the show. It feels like it's a corruption then.
Too true. I want to make sure you tune in this summer for season two of Winter is Taking Forever or Game of Thrones. So we're definitely doing it. Twitter user at EWAZXC. What once common movie trope would you like to see come back? I have seen these questions in advance. Yeah. Go ahead.
So I theoretically would have prepared one to do while you guys were thinking about what doors would do. This is a good stall. I am for us to think about.
Now it's just not happening. There was a thing I used to really like, which was in Westerns when a guy would get shot. He would immediately go, and grab the wound and hold it for a little while and then kind of lay down as opposed to being shot across the road. And I feel like there's probably more realism to that. When you get shot, when you watch actual footage, which I mean don't, but when you see like body cam footage and stuff of people getting shot, they just sort of fall down or like they get shot and then they're still up and they're buzzing with adrenaline and then eventually they just sort of fall down. Yeah. But you don't get blown away. You're not a meat sack that gets like a pink mist flying out from behind you. In Western stuff, somebody gets shot and they'd be like, oh, f***. And then they'd fall off the balcony. I guess that, if I had to think on the top of my head, it's a neat little cute one.
I guess like every, sometimes when films have like a strong female character, they make her very like one-dimensional or just like boring or like, what, why would she do that thing? She's flawless. Yeah. Yeah, or flawless or something strange like that, but like, you know, still Courtney Weaver in Annalyn was just a f***ing like great role. She's like a great example of like a complete character and she was written as a male and just they happened to cast a female.
So that I'm sure would be a part of it, but yeah. So just like, I don't know, every once in a while, just be a little better writers, guys. Oh yeah. A return to better writing. Yeah. Wouldn't that be great? What a weird trope. Yeah. It's my favorite godfather tropes. Oh man. Good writing.
Aliens reminds me of, I'm split on this because I'm happy that everyone has grown and we've progressed and understand nuance better, I think, as a movie going audience and movie creating world. I miss very uncomplicated villains. I miss the German terrorists in Die Hard are bad. All of them are bad and mean and forget about them and the aliens and aliens are bad. It's not like, oh but they were made by this cyborg who was trying to find love and understand what it's like to be god and isn't that interesting? No, they're monsters and Vasquez has a giant gun and she only wants to know where they are and to shoot them and that's like her f***ing purpose and she loves it and I love it and you love it and we just don't have it anymore. I know that it's not true to life that everyone has shades to them, but I just want a movie where it's the bad guys.
Yeah. We agree.
Well I think we're kind of returning to that because the death of the antihero is kind of a thing now. No one wants to see Johnny Soprano, you know, whining about his life. I'm killing the antihero, but in the meantime, Spider-Man Homecoming, Michael Keaton is like a blue collar down on his luck guy who is mad that like billionaires are moving in and destroying his business and I'm like, okay, there are points on it. You're both right, Vulture and Spider-Man. You two men in costumes like that are animals. A movie like Serenity, you have one character who is very much on one extreme who is like, he believes in this society that could exist and you're like, that's really complicated killing that guy.
We also just have Reavers, it's like, oh, that's more fun. They're mad. I just want to watch them get blown up. That's way more fun. Apex Penguin, nice.
Is it weird to sleep with socks on?
Yes. Oh, hold on. No. Slow your roll. At night, yes. For a nap, hey, anything goes.
Sleep with socks on, yeah. Naps with socks are great. Sex with socks, don't do.
Otherwise, you're going to overheat. You're going to have a real problem on your hands. That's the worst f***ing thing that's ever happened to me.
Get home and take your socks off. Wait, as soon as you get home and take your socks off?
Yes. What? Yeah. You take shoes off and then peel those socks off? Absolutely. I peel them off with my toes. And you're like, ah. Now I get to walk around on my cold hardwood floor. Yeah.
With my, what are the things in between your toes with socks? Toe jam.
You get to walk around in your, oh, now I'm going to my kitchen on the linoleum and indoor tile that's cold and has crumbs on it. You walk around in your house. The kitchen's also a hardwood, thank you. And the crumbs are everywhere.
The only time that I don't wear socks is because I got up in the morning and I don't have the patience to put them on. But I love socks. I love sliding around my house like I'm a risky business. I hate flip-flops. They can't stay on my feet because flip-flops don't come in half sizes and I'm a ten and a half. And so I always go big and they flop around and it's terrible. I probably have the hardest life of anyone. I wear them because I hate putting on socks so much and I've come to this office in America in shoes without socks and no one noticed because I just didn't want to put on socks that morning. I'm wearing shorts. And you monsters wear them when you sleep. Yeah, I love socks.
No one told you you had to do that. You don't make your own decisions.
At night, I couldn't wear them at night. I think that that's crazy. You're crazy. But socks during sex for body heat, you're a f***ing terrorist.
I dig it. I'm cold a lot. I'm a purist.
I want to be completely naked. It's really important to me that I'm not wearing a single thing. I will take off rings.
You're getting all of me. We got to move off this. I thought this was going to be a fun, like we all say no and then Curtains credits and everyone's happy and this person feels crazy but now I'm the apex penguin. At Jables to the max, what did you think of this year's Tony Awards? How would you do a usual suspect? I'm going to tap out and just let you answer this. I'm sorry. I'm tapping out. It gets off the top of my head.
I'm really happy that Ben Platt won for best performance of an actor in a musical. It was a really incredible performance. I saw it last December and there's nothing like it.
I don't know how this kid does it. I do know how he does it. He will do the show and then do 20 hours of silence alone in his apartment and then do the show because the show requires him to sing and scream and cry like snot bubbling things while singing and hunched over and he's like a completely physical performance.
It's really strange and everyone should go check it out if they can. It's good.
I don't like that the Hello Dollar performance was just David Hyde Pierce because he got Bette Midler. He was Bette Midler, you know? Kevin Spacey, bad host.
Do you think he wears socks when he's silent for 20 hours alone in his place? Ben Platt? I do not. I think he goes home and he peels those socks off. Is that what you think sex is?
Oh no, there's Morgan! Oh my god! I'm certain David, if you had to launch some sort of campaign to like get flip-flops to start making half sizes, Pierce Morgan would be way behind you just having like a flip-flop over your genitals. Finally it's in half sizes. Oh no. Alright, one more question.
Living impaired four says, since 47 meters down is coming out soon, will there ever be another shark movie that even compares to Jaws? I think about this a lot.
Well that movie has Mandy Moore, so it won. It beats Joe. It has Mandy Moore.
Oh. Joe's had Mandy Moore. Yeah. Oh wait.
Was she the shark? Was she the shark's mom?
I don't know. Like that makes you as afraid of the water as Jaws did? Is that what they're asking? It affects culture as much as Jaws? We made one good shark movie. We've done a lot. I don't know. Deep Blue, man. No!
We made one good shark movie and like 16 terrible shark movies. They didn't even make two good Jaws movies, let alone two good shark movies.
That's true. That's, yeah.
I think the thing about Jaws is that it's not about the shark being the monster. It's about, is the monster there or is he not there, you know? Yeah, I see, because he doesn't appear for so long.
Right. That's what it's about. Or she. I don't know. It's not we're actually afraid of the monster. It's okay.
Sharks are boys, dolphins are girls.
Oh that's true. Okay. Oh but what if that was true? Well then let it be true for you. Okay. All right. That's good enough for me. Soren, thank you for joining us this week. Yeah.
You can also Friday for the next two weeks, three weeks actually, we're going to be doing a new mini-series, a podcast mini-series called Looking the Part hosted by Daniel O'Brien and me. Yeah, it's about hair. Yeah, it's about the way that the physical characteristics of a character can spoil everything about what they'll do before they even open their mouth or do anything. And we edit that part out and make it seem like it's just about hair because I want our podcast to tank.
Well done. Thank you. I'm Daniel O'Brien. You can find me at D-O-B underscore I-N-C and tweet us the hashtag E-P-C-D if it makes you feel good. If it makes you feel good. Okay, all right.
Hey, you like stand up, come see the Cracked Stand Up Show. It's happening June 22nd at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you want to see amazing comics, including our own Josh Sargent, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets. And if you want to see me do a funny dance, sorry, not today. |
CrackerMilk | why_no_one_calls_australian_police | Hello, I've got your son if you ever want to see him again, you transfer me $300,000 before the end of the night Well, I've actually got your son here He always screams when he's kidnapped, so we're gonna need $300,000 by the end of today or I'm gonna fucking kill him like Like, maim him, I'm going to put on Elmo and I'm going to come up behind and coward punch the little fucker. We're going to offend some cops, are we? We're scared to offend some cops. I'm an officer of the war. And I'm going to fucking coward punch the dead.
Okay, ready? That's good. No, no, no. That's really bad. Hello?
I've got your son. If you ever want to see him again, you've transferred me $300,000 before the end of the night. Well, I've actually got your son here. Prove it. Put him on. My boy!
He always screams when he's kidnapped. So, we're going to need $300,000 by the end of today or I'm going to fucking kill him. Like, maim him. I'm going to put on Elmo and I'm going to come up behind and coward punch the little fucker.
We're going to offend some cops, are we? We're scared to offend some cops.
I'm an officer of the war. And I'm going to fucking coward punch the dead.
Okay, ready? That's good.
No, no, no. That's really bad. |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_ve_never_been_more_embarrassed_in_my_life_ | Oh, watch the curb, man. It's fine. Just hurry up.
Oh, and get me a raisin. A raisin?
Oh my god. I'm so sorry.
It's fine. No, no, no, please, let me help you with that. No, no, no, really, it's fine.
Wow, this is a lot of pop rocks. What can I say? I like pop rocks. No, but this is like a lot. Normal amount of pop rocks for a pinata, pal. Right. Sorry, I shouldn't have. Are there pop rocks in your butt?
What? Never mind. What? No, no, I didn't mean to. Why would you even ask that? What the? Well, who are you?
I'm sorry. I didn't know. No, you're right. I'm sorry.
What are you, a pervert? Do you get off the idea of me getting off to thousands of little pops, busting off my crack against my prostate? What? I bet your little pea brain thinks I get some sort of sick pleasure from hiding explosive little secrets between my cheeks.
No. Just walking around town with a pep in my step and a pop in my ass. I'm sorry. We're leaving. You should really mind your business, pal. You're fucking sick. Do you know that guy? No, just go. I was going to a pinata party, jackass. Jackass. No, Derek, come on. No. That's not a real thing.
What, you never heard of a pinata? No, a pinata party. Nobody throws a party with a pinata theme. Derek, let's go. Hey, everyone, this guy has no idea what a pinata is.
This guy puts pop rocks in his ass. Get your voice down. There's literally no one around.
Oh, yeah? What about that guy? What, him?
Don't point. He'll hear you. He's like 600 feet away. He can barely even see us.
Where? What do you? Shut up. Your car isn't here, man. I don't hear anything. I don't have a car. What are the keys for then? My bike.
You look like such a dumbass right now. Would a dumbass know the pop rocks in your ass are blue? They're not blue, they're green.
Fuck. Oh, shit. I am so sorry, man. We can pay for it. I'm sorry. Oh, my god. Oh, shit. I said I was sorry. Holy shit.
You were going to kill me over a bike? You don't know if I was going to kill you. I was just going to shoot you.
Plus, that's a really nice bike. It's got a key and everything.
Hey, Dad. We got to move again. No, not pop rocks. I was getting food this time, I promise.
Well, MasterCard is lying.
No, don't cancel my car. Don't cancel my car!
I love you, too. A pep in my step and a pop in my ass. That was great. Bursting up in my ass, up in my crack, up in my prostate. |
Wizards_with_Guns | let_s_circle_back_on_that_ | So, if you look here, we've gained marginal growth in Q3, weighed against Q2. Although our projections in Q4 are modest, our growth patterns remain consistently consistent. Are we still aligned to hit our revenue targets if we maintain the current model? Well, as you know, Mr. Henderson, it's no secret that is the current driving factor to our market success. It's safe to say that we'll continue to perform positively with all our key demographics. Granted, while profit margins remain razor thin, the trajectory of this little arrow is still technically up. So as long as we continue and we don't change a single thing...
Excuse me, um, I have an idea. Who let the interns speak? Well, I was just thinking...
For the first time! Seriously, Jacob, why don't you go bake us a coffee? Come on, Richards. Give the boy a shot.
We've been doing... For 15 years.
Let's see Jacob's one left. No. I like it. Excellent work, Jacob. Thank you, sir. You know what? Consider yourself promoted. Wow. Oh my God. And as for Richards...
You're getting promoted! You're all getting promoted! You're getting promoted!
Fuck everybody. And you know what? Everyone's got the day off tomorrow!
Are we still aligned to hit our revenue targets if we can't tame...
There's a second time. Did you do this on purpose? No! |
TheOnion | Old_Guy_At_Hostel_Down_To_Party | Obama is currently being chased around in the background of a Secret Service hearing. U.S. officials assure Hong Kong that their protest is just one of many issues the White House is staying silent on, and an old guy at a hostel is down to party. Aspiring always to break free of the shackles of this mere web video format and assume some far greater form, this is The Onion we can review. This week, frustrated representatives for ISIS told reporters that they were having considerable difficulties finding American recruits who are physically fit enough for jihad. Operatives noted that despite being in communication with numerous willing U.S. citizens, a combination of high blood pressure, allergies and a physical inability to fit into suicide vests rendered these individuals ineffective at helping to establish a caliphate. Though they added that these sedentary recruits may still be able to contribute to the Islamic militants' cause by bankrupting the U.S. health care system.
Stunned officials from the Marine Conservation Institute announced this week that the past half-century of climate change and habitat loss somehow hasn't managed to take down the goddamn parrotfish. Biologists stressed that despite destructive chemical runoff, rising ocean temperatures and overfishing, the persistent little shits were somehow plugging right along like nothing had even happened. If you look at the oil spills, greenhouse gases and God knows what else we're throwing at them and you think, yeah, those subtropical fucks should have been wiped out decades ago. These sons of bitches are still around and doing better than ever. It's fucking unbelievable.
Millions of Americans told reporters this week that they longed for just one more good day with the country's dying manufacturing sector. The entire U.S. populace reportedly expressed their desire to turn back time and see industrial products rolling down conveyor belts and a healthy stretch of product assembly lines one last time, though they admitted that they would just like to spend a few nice moments with the sector before the inevitable happened. And in this week's local news, a seventh grader is receiving more one-on-one bullying since transferring to a private school. In other news, a grasshopper is dismembered by a future Supreme Court justice. A man having a great time will soon have to apologize to everyone, and Rand Paul pretends to be asleep so his dad will carry him in from the car.
This brings an end to the Onion Week in review as you know it, and with it, my ceaseless pain. Every story I've presented over the past months, every word I spoke, has been nothing more than a cruel and pointless prolongment of my suffering. But now finally, finally, I can die. Goodbye. Goodbye forever. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_30_8_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the Weekly Battuta News Bulletin, coming to you from Koala Mattress Studios in downtown Battuta. In the studio with me this week is me old mate Wendell Hussey. G'day Bruce, and what a week it's been!
Yeah, gee Del, there's been a fair bit going on down in our nation's capital, hasn't there? Unbelievable stuff, really. And before we get into it, just a reminder that the Battuta Advocate is hitting the road this November for a run of shows. A welcome distraction from all of the bullshit that's been happening in Canberra. Yeah, that's right. Tickets for the Battuta Advocate Roadshow are on sale now. So be sure to grab some for when our Humble Outback newspaper comes to your town. Go to BattutaAdvocate.com forward slash roadshow, or the episode notes in this podcast. Now into the news wrap, and it's pretty obvious where we're going to start this one, I think.
We sensationally broke a story this week about a rich white dude from Sydney replacing another rich white dude from Sydney as our Prime Minister. After an incredible week in the Fleet Vehicle Capital, a rich white man named Scott Morrison replaced Malcolm Turnbull as the Prime Minister of Australia this week. This came after Morrison stormed home late to pit Peter Dutton and Julie Bishop in the leadership ballot to become the leader of the Liberal Party and the country. It was confirmed that Tony Abbott and Peter Dutton had completely fucked up their numbers and misjudged their supporter base in pushing for a second spill, which sensationally allowed the party leadership to be pinched from under their noses. Yeah, and after all that, Bruce, the nation of Australia extended a polite request to Mr Dutton. Ah yes, Del, a go-home cunt, I believe it was. Yeah, that's right, the request came after Peter Dutton and his conservative backbench allies and media backers held the country to ransom over the last four night in some vain attempt to regain control of the Liberal Party of Australia. After the results came through, it was confirmed that Peter Dutton, the ex-Queensland cop and man who walked out on the national apology to the Stolen Generations, should probably just head back to the Sunshine Coast and look out for people changing lanes without an indicator.
And the nation had another request to the government this week, eh Del? Yeah, they asked if these useless fucks could actually do some work for once. The useless fucks being our nation's politicians, of course. Yeah, that's right, that question came after the whole debacle down in Parliament House and it was revealed that the Coalition MPs have no real interest in doing any actual work for the near future. The nation is now wondering if the schoolyard games can be put aside by our elected representatives on more than $200,000 a year in order to attempt to do some of the stuff that they were actually elected to do.
Whether the request is acquiesced remains to be seen as, at the time of publication, there were still huge amounts of libs and gnats running between each other's offices gossiping about whose team they were on. And Bruce, on the other side of the house, it hasn't been all smooth sailing for the Labor Party. No Del, it hasn't. They called an emergency meeting this week to discuss how they can possibly fuck this one up. Yeah, the Australian Labor Party, looking for all money like they will shit this next election in, came together to try and figure out how it could possibly go wrong. With the coalition government in tatters, political commentators have earmarked the ALP as short odds favourites to storm home and win the election. But, as in sport, with Bill Shorten at the helm, nothing is a given.
That's right, and we broke the exclusive news out of that meeting about the party's plan for the next election. We did, and it's a bold move by the ALP. They are effectively locking up their leader, Bill Shorten, until the next election. That's an incredible ploy, really, but the power brokers in the party confirm that Shorten has been locked away in a safe room without any way of contacting the outside world until we go to the polling booths. A source from within the circle, who has requested anonymity, told us that it's for Bill's own good.
We just can't risk him going out and speaking and doing things and ruining our chances of winning an election that we simply can't lose. Don't worry though, he's okay. He's got food and water. He'll be thanking us in the long run. As the old saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Very interested to see if that one pays off, Del. And in some local news now, there has been an investigation in town. There has, an investigation into who sparked the chain reaction of yellow bins on an off-week. A local Patooton street collective has launched a thorough inquiry into which resident put their yellow recycling bin on the curb on a non-recycling collection week. Interviews have begun and evidence is being gathered in order to identify the culprit whose actions sparked the mass confusion. Troy Reynolds, a local man who had to drag his bin back in the next day, said to us, Yeah, the little bin was only half full.
In hindsight, something definitely didn't feel right. It was way too soon.
And Bruce, in the sporting world, there was an interesting cricketing story this week. Yeah, a selection-based story and an interesting play with the Liberal Party of Australia sending Scott Morrison in as the night watchman. Yeah, it happened after the Liberal Party's top order performed a spectacular collapse. A collapse that even the Australian cricket team could be proud of. And they were forced to send the man known as Skomo into bat. Yeah, speaking to the advocate before heading out into the middle, Morrison said that the tap on the shoulder did come as a bit of a surprise, but he'll be doing his best to try and play a straight bat for the remainder of the test. He said the opposition's pace attack isn't exactly shulb-actor quick, so he's hoping for the best.
Anyway, that's it for the Newsrat this week. Thanks for tuning in. Don't forget the Petuta Advocate Roadshow is happening at the end of the year, so grab yourself some tickets when we come to your town. And please subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news.
Until next time, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. |
cracked | the_cool_new_drug_exclusively_for_idiots | Alright, the hallucination should be starting pretty soon, it's been like an hour since you guys had any water. It was like a drop of sweat in my mouth, but I dabbed it. Straight drive you. Thanks. Yeah! Woo! We're having fun. Real quick though, anyone else a little worried that maybe this might actually be dangerous for people? Hey man, it's totally cool to be nervous, alright? You're a cool dude. Every drug comes with some risk, it's true. But, that's why I'm here, alright? I'm hydrated, alert, we're gonna get through this together. Trust me, it's gonna be great. Alright, change your life. You guys feel that?
Yep. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I see uh, I see water, that's a mirage, man. Yeah, that's a mirage.
Completely natural refraction of light. We can see it. Heather.
Don't force it, dude. Let the dry come to you. Alright, hey, um, maybe, is there a chance that this might not work? I mean like maybe you gave us bad deserts?
No man, my car broke down here about a week ago, ran out of gas, I fucking suck god. Yeah, I suck god, fuck it.
I swear to god, man, alright, you're just too hydrated, have a spit. Everyone have a spit.
Hey, have this salt tea, alright? Get it, bunch it down, man. Come on. Crunch it. Yeah. Oh, I'm good. Do it. Dude, you're doubling on it, man. Get any saliva you have. Have it. Come on, man. Eat the salt tea, man. I got it.
I think I'm feeling it. God, your lips are so chapped. They feel so chapped. God, I'm dry as fuck. Yeah, I feel...
Like really thirsty? I'm tripping how thirsty I am. God's mouth is completely normal, alright? Hey, have this coffee. Alright, it's a diuretic. It'll trick you into thinking that you're no longer thirsty, even though you super are.
Seen like crazy colors, they're like the same colors, but they're like dimmer.
Yes. Awesome. Yeah.
Okay, no more for me. I'm done, man. I just want to go home. Let me just get some water and go home. Yeah, it's no turning back now, man.
You are dry. What's this foam at the side of my mouth? Is this good? Yeah, yeah. That's that quarter mouth foam stuff, the phoby quarter mouth stuff. You are going to get some crazy trails soon. What do you mean?
No turning back. There's plenty of turning back.
Just rehydrate me. Come on, give me some water.
I'm freaking out, man. Hey, the more scared you are going in, the worse trip you're going to have. You need to calm down.
How about an orange slice? Yeah, yeah, okay. Those are mostly just water. Oh. No, never mind then. Hey.
Ritz cracker, like an orange saltine. Oh, I don't like cracker.
I need water. Don't you see what's happening? We're killing ourselves. We're out here in the middle of the desert, completely unprotected. Why did you tell us we couldn't bring sunblock?
Well, is that your trip, man? It really hoses down your drive. Where's the bread doctor? Does anybody else smell brains? Oh, that's the smell of your own heat stroke that you're smelling. No, man. You're thinking of E. I think desert's like holistic, so.
Do you think they know? I mean, the people back at the gas station, do you think that they know?
Nobody knows. Hey, nobody knows. Nobody knows.
All right. Yeah. Yes. Okay.
I fell. Okay, Thunder, just give us some water, please. I don't know, man. I'm tripping pretty cool on acid right now, so. Excuse me? I think we're going to trip sit you guys sober. No, man, for sure.
Hey, hey, take what you want in life. That's how you get what you want.
Hands up. Put that desert down, son. That's not mine. It's our friend. Get on the ground. It's not mine. Put that desert down and get on the fucking ground. You're all dried out. Bag up this desert. Let's take it back to the precinct. Action.
Okay, guys, a while ago, I told you that if you really wanted to marry me, like a lot of you have claimed, then to man up to offer me a firm proposal and an offer that I can or cannot refuse, no one's done it yet. And I'm just wondering if it was something that I did. I don't know. I don't know if there's something else that you want from me to get these proposals coming, but I'm funny. I'm great around the house.
I have a cat, so if you want to marry me, Katie Stoll, please, please, please submit your proposals online and subscribe. But most importantly, you must subscribe. Please. |
cracked | the_weird_thing_about_captain_america_s_shield | Yeah, I'm Howard Stark, see? You need a weapon, Steve Rogers. Ah, speak, Captain America.
What about this thing? No, no, you don't want that shield, it's Boulder Dash. It's made of the rarest metal on Earth and it stops bullets, but we leave it here under the table. Use the rarest metal on Earth to make a shield? Well, you know, we got some vibranium, and someone as a joke said, what if we made a shield out of it? And I did it, and we all laughed, and now we use it as a door stop. But you don't use it as just sitting here? No, we keep it under that table, and if it's someone's birthday, we fill it with chips and dip. Why'd you make a shield? Like, we have guns, right? They could just shoot their feet. I don't get why you're so fascinated with this multi-billion dollar invincible shield.
Seems like a waste of money. Oh, come on, we don't waste our money.
Here, I've got a slingshot made of diamonds and a javelin made of hundred dollar bills. You know, the shield is growing on me, actually. What if we painted it like a big lollipop? |
cracked | is_eleven_the_real_monster_in_stranger_things | Stranger Things, the classic 80s movie that was made way after the 80s. A group of pre-teen boys become friends with a psychokinetic, waffle-loving girl as they go fight monsters from another dimension. It's exciting and funny, and makes you crave Eggo Waffles a lot. But what if our Eggo-loving hero actually is the monster? Now I'm not saying that Eleven can control the monster, but they seem pretty linked. Eleven is the first person to encounter the monster after she finds herself transported into a dark dimension during her steroid-it-up experiment. What if her subconscious and the monster are a manifestation of her psyche? I mean, we'd all feel pretty monster if we had a bunch of old men doing experiments on our brains. The show keeps dropping hints, like when the protagonist named the monster the Demogorgon after the Dungeons and Dragons game, which has two heads, and even two personalities. In addition to that, they dropped a reference to X-Men 134 in the first episode, which comic fans know is where Jean Grey is first known as Dark Phoenix when her alter-ego turns evil and goes on a crazy killing spree. They even mimic the imagery from the comics when she throws the villain against the wall and turns it and herself into ashes. She even says that she is the monster! Everyone dismisses it, but like, what if she is trying to confess that the monster is a manifestation of her powers she can't control, but has trouble communicating that because her language skills are pretty limited.
In LA, we've got our own Daniel O'Brien and Robert Evans, and you can get tickets to see me and them. Go to sunset.ucbtheatre.com for tickets, and if you want to see something green... Did they switch it? |
cracked | 9_stories_behind_the_world_s_weirdest_images_pictofacts | Can we do a round where our purity is encouraged? Our chaseness is? Yeah, I encourage you to play the rest of the game as pure as possible. See where that gets me.
Sorry I'm, like, moral. I'm sorry I'm, like, moral.
Welcome to Pick the Facts, the game show. I'm Jesse Eisman. I put together a collection of image-based trivia games. Then I invited a bunch of comedy nerds to come play them. And I'm sure that won't backfire in any way. Let's meet the contestants.
Anna Huntley. Who is this slice of beefcake? Yeah, that is obviously Bronson Alcott, the father of, who is it named Alcott? Clearly. Honestly, not correct. We're going to have to move over to Jordan Breeding. What do you think? Is that a thing? Is that a person? Action Bronson Alcott. Is it Javier Bardem? Checking my notes, absolutely not. Darnell Eaton. Who do we think this is?
Definitely Richard Gere, before American Jigolo. All fantastic guesses in that they're equally wrong. That's actor Jim Varney, long before he honed his famous character, Ernest P. Worrall.
What? Yeah, that's fast food to kids.
I got to tell you, I think Darnell was closest because he named an actual actor. Well, Javier Bardem is an actual actor. He's one of freaking Oscars and stuff. But I don't know what he looks like on the top of my head. He looks like a Bronson.
Like, tell me. Tell me he does not.
But you guys are fighting for scraps now. Anna, you get second place. Jordan, that leaves you with third place, unfortunately. This game is rigged. Next up, well, Jordan, you get first dibs on this one. So if you don't win, that's kind of on you.
Who is this fashion icon who also dabbled in politics? Freaking, obviously, it's Martha Stewart. Because she went to jail as a political dissident, if I'm not mistaken.
That's very true. From what I can recall, that's true. OK, Jordan, you say Martha Stewart, Darnell.
Am I right? Who do we think it is? If I'm right, it's over. It's not right, because- Is it over? No, it's definitely not.
I know for a fact that that is Queen Elizabeth II. All right, she's dead now. I watched The Crown on season three.
Anna, let's hear your guess. OK, well, since I can't now say Queen Elizabeth, thanks, Darnell. You could do one. Who is not?
Who would be a better fashion icon than Margaret Thatcher? I mean, like, the helmet hair inspired millions, right? The only issue is that Margaret Thatcher was super hot as an old lady. No, no, she grew into it.
Yeah, exactly. Darnell, you nailed it. See, that's what I came here for. Elizabeth, Alexandra, Mary Windsor went on to become Queen Elizabeth II through hard work, perseverance, and the line of succession being reshuffled when her uncle hooked up with a divorcee. That's my goal.
We're going to find you some divorcees. Do they have divorcees in Virginia? What we need to do is get a divorcee to become my boss, and then we'll figure it out. We got to get your boss divorced.
All right, first place, Darnell. Thank you. I think you're doing a great job, by the way. Thanks, man. I think you're doing a great job. Thank you. I think you're going to be scrapped. Keep this all in.
Anna, you got second place because you also seemed to know for a fact that it was Queen Elizabeth. Does this make him third place again? Jordan Breeding, you are by my second runner up. Third place.
I feel pretty good. I feel like I'm doing great.
We'll see what the score-bearer has to say later. Darnell Eaton, before he became a household name, this guy was a professional asshole in the US Air Force. Household name? I mean, household name to me is Barack Obama.
But since that's- Are we locking it in? Is that your guess?
OK. Anna, what do you think? Griffin. No points. Disqualified third place. OK, excuse me. My diction was a little bit off. OK, I'm sorry.
Andy Griffin is a different man. OK, well, maybe it is him. OK, so I'm writing- So we'll say Andy Griffin. I'm writing Peter Griffin.
Yeah, who do you think it is? I'm going to go with Audie Murphy. Audie Murphy? Who is that? He was an actor who was in the military.
And then he became this national hero and beloved by millions similar to Robert Thatcher. It all comes back to our fine- Let's go for a drive. Miss Thatcher.
Jordan Breeding, who do we think this is? Oh, I'm going to say Andy Griffith with a T-H. Oh, OK. Lock that in. No, I can't do that. Yeah, I think that's Andy Griffith. I got to make up points. I say Andy Griffin, man. I know who this is.
No, we're going to be- I can't have no points by the end of the game. We're going to lose all the tension.
Andy Griffith. All right, let's see. Is it Andy Griffith?
It's Bob Ross, everybody. Before he was the OG king of ASMR, Bob Ross was, in his own words, the guy who makes you scrub the latrine.
And just beat the devil out of him. Anna, you're first place because you picked- you had the most original choice, unfortunately. Wait a minute. My choice was definitely original. But you did waffle a little bit. You tried to change it.
You're going to have to blame this on Jordan. Jordan latched onto your lifeboat and brought you both down to second place, though. Not too bad. What, are we tied to second place? Yeah, we're going to say you're tied to second place.
Oh. Good job, guys. Fist game. I'll take it. All right, fine. I'll win the next 12 rounds. It'll be great. OK, well, you survived round one. And welcome to round two.
Ironically, a game about iconic firsts. In this one, I'll show you an apparently normal image that's actually a monumental first. Then you'll tell me which historical precedent we're looking at. Anna, this is the first iteration of a device that would revolutionize masturbation the world over. What do we call this thing today? We call that the pornogenerator, where you put a script in, you turn the wheel, and out comes. That is exactly where cranking comes from. And it puts the climax at the very end. Spartan. Hence the porn.
We'll see if that's true in just a moment. All right. After this commercial break. Regular price, $3.99. What do you want for my life? Jordan, what do we think this is?
I think it is altogether something you could sit on at a vibrator. It's like a vibrator, but for an industrial warehouse full of women, I guess. What would you name that if you had to? Ye Olde and Vibrator. I want to know a lot about your sex lives right now. You just wait for round five. Darnell, what do you think this is? You said a masturbation device. I said it revolutionized masturbation.
Oh, well, it's definitely, duh, the computer, OK? You punch some things in it. This is the basic computer back in the day. What do you do with your computer?
Well, if it makes some noise, like when you get in a bedroom in the bed creaks, I think this thing sounded like an orgasm. It sounded like an orgasm. Like ASMR. Yeah, it was a mechanic orgasm.
This is the world's first computer.
Dead on.
Darnell, you saw all the pictures. I told you, I came here to win. I'm sorry, you masturbate all the time.
This is the world's first computer. Insufferable math dweeb Charles Babbage designed this mechanical calculator in 1822 because he was sick of seeing people make math errors with their squishy meat computers. He also paved the way for the world's first computer programmer, Augusta Aida King, who created a punch card for this contraption that could calculate Bernoulli numbers, the most sexual numbers.
Her name is Augusta? Yes, Darnell, women can be computer programmers. I mean, I'm just, I feel bad for her that her name's Augusta. She did fine. Back then, it was a very sexy name. Hers is better. AI is a lot closer than a freaking vibrator.
Darnell, you nailed it, first place. And a second place, that was great.
Also, for coming up with a trend of making disgusting names for the stuff I'm going to show you guys. Appreciate that. OK. And Jordan, I guess that leaves you with, what do you do? Can we do a round where our purity is encouraged? Our chasteness is? Yeah, I encourage you to play the rest of the game as pure as possible. See where that gets you. Sorry, I'm, like, moral. OK, ready for the next one? No. The answer is yes.
We started with Jordan. Wieners. Did somebody say boobs and wieners? In a sign that the country was totally on the right track, people used to call Bill Clinton the first black president. What is Bill doing in this Polaroid that is an actual historical first? Jordan Breeding.
The first president to peruse the Pornhub. Great. Do you think Pornhub is around when laptops look like that? Well, you know, I think they made laptops and then they made Pornhub.
Same time, same guy. Perfect answer. Not going to tell you if you're right or not. Great.
Darnell, what do we think Bill Clinton's doing here that's the first of its kind? He's definitely checking Black Planet, which was a thing.
It's a website that you can go and meet other black people of different varieties, different variety of black people around the country. What are the varieties? Well, I mean, you know, hetero, homo, farmers.
Now, all of that is on Black Planet? Educated not. Yeah, you put your whole business out there. If you want to know, my name was undercover freak.
OK, so he's the first president to go on Black Planet. Anna, what do we think Bill Clinton's doing here that had never happened before? I want to get into what Bill Clinton was doing right before this moment, which I think is the more important moment.
And what he was doing was he was closing the first tab. Yes, it was the first tab closure making this moment historical. And the reason he was closing the tab was he was about to email a dick pic, which was a thing that people continue to do.
They did and they continue to do today. Undercover freak knows so much about it.
And so he's about, but right now, all we can see is that he's about to send an email. Anna, you're super right. It was the first presidential email.
Who was that guy? Wait, wait, but why is it? What is the black president that you have to do with it? That's what I'm hoping. Yeah. Oh, it has nothing to do with what he's doing. Yeah, but what does it have to do with it?
Apparently, he got a lot of the black vote. And people are like, oh, he's cool. He's the first black president.
It's not, I don't co-sign that statement. Jesse co-signs it. We're going to edit the part where he says he doesn't. Oh, he's cool. He's the first black president. I co-sign that statement. I have heard that before, but we know who he is. I don't see presidents. Yeah.
This is the first presidential email. Bill Clinton is seen here sending an email from his weird friend's laptop to astronaut John Glenn, who happened to be in space at the time. The only other email that Bill sent while in office was reportedly to the Swedish prime minister from his personal email account.
Not a joke. ClintonPeesAtAOL.com. It's very your mom texting you right when she gets a phone, and she's like, the kids don't have any vowels. That was actually his username on Black Planet. ClintonPees. I ran into him in the chat room.
Yeah, yeah. First place, Anna. Second place, Darnell. All right, I'll take it. Joke reading. I'm going to have to strangle the score bear.
This is an image of a nerdy little parody band from the CERN laboratory in Geneva. They didn't beat Weird Al to the parody game, but they were the first ever what? This is the first girls' group. This is Patti LaBelle and the Pooh Poohs knock-off.
What are your references, man? Yeah. What is that? I don't know. Obviously, they're French, because of the latest horribles. Carnettes. Are you French? I speak a little bit of it. Anna, what do we think this is the first of?
First astrophysicist karaoke team. In Geneva, they wouldn't let more than two astrophysicists into a karaoke joint.
You're not holding a rocket, are you? Get out of my joint. Jordan, what do we think this is the first of? Well, I'm a little stressed out now, because that answer was so terrible. This is a good chance for me to actually score some points. I just really don't want to screw this up.
They're the first parody group to ever chart. This is the first image ever uploaded to the internet. What? In 1992, internet co-inventor Tim Berners-Lee saw them at a dorky festival at CERN. He liked them so much, he had them expertly photoshopped and tossed the result up on his blog.
Anna, you're getting first for originality again. You guys are going to share second place. Stop bringing me down, man. Stop bringing me down. This was hard, because you guys were completely off. So you're lucky to get any points whatsoever. And I can take them back any time I want. I won't, but I might. You've made it to round three, and I can now legally claim you all as dependents.
This game is a little like Where's Waldo if the image changed constantly and Waldo was completely naked. I'm going to show you an extremely zoomed out picture that contains an extremely out of place element as I incrementally zoom in, you'll all try to spot the unusual thing.
Spot the gigantic dong in the English countryside. What's a dong? Like a bell? Don't act all innocent now, Darnell. What does everyone else think a dong is? Darnell says a bell.
I think I should get all those points. Can I guess? Yeah. Is there a man with a little penis right there? Is there? Let's zoom in and give another hint, and we'll find out. Locals thought this depicted some ancient god of fertility, but then they realized there was no record of it before the 17th century, long after wiener gods went out of vogue. Once I figure out what a dong is, I'm going to see it. Do we see the dong? Yes. OK.
That is the Cern-Abbess giant believed to depict big time 17th century slumlord, Oliver Cromwell. He was known as England's Hercules, a figure often pictured with a club, and locals apparently decided to roast his ass with a gigantic insulting caricature. Cromwell himself as a naked barbarian with comically huge nipples and a giant boner pointed straight up at his tiny head.
As far as points, I think Jordan, you got first place. Locked in. I think on this one. I found his dad. So I won, and I don't think we need to talk about it much more. Let's never mention it again.
Let's just accept it. If we got to give points, I think I got to give it to Darnell, because he said, oh, there it is, slightly before Anna said, oh, there it is. Thank you. And the mechanics of this game are the first to spot it wins. Look at me accepting this gracefully. Oh my god, look at this. Anna gets grace points. You are settling my anxiety.
OK, spot the Scientology Space Cathedral. OK, it's the little, is it the dot? What dot are you speaking of? Do you see the middle school S right there? Does anybody else, like I just, yeah, like, doesn't, I just really need people to know that this looks like those middle school S's that we used it.
When a news outlet got aerial footage of the site in 2005, the church tried to kill the story by bribing the outlet with a tour of the facility.
Silly's right here. Oh, is it, though? Yes, it is. So is it that thing on the top left? It's that thing, and it's got it.
Let me explain my reasoning. Darnell, you pointed more to here. OK, you get second place. Well, actually, so you pointed more to here.
These are the Tremontina base circles, which mark the spot of a massive underground bunker. Scientologists plan to abandon Earth before Armageddon happens and then return in a few million years after the apocalypse blows over. Markings like these will help them find where they left all their stuff.
Anna, you nailed that, right? You got the actual base. Darnell, you got super close. You pointed to, let me show you, the airstrip that is owned by Scientology elders, or whatever they call them. So they fly in here. They do a secret little walk up here, and then they go, you know, whatever. I picked that because that kind of looks like my birthmark a little bit on the bottom of my foot. I'd like to see that. And I will graciously accept third because I would never step on anyone else's or speak for them. We're actually starting up close on this one and zooming out.
This is a religious official and notorious art critic getting his d**k chomped by a snake. This horrific scene is hidden in which venerated masterpiece? Mona Lisa, it's got to be the Mona Lisa. OK, we've got Mona Lisa. Mona Lisa famously smiling just a little bit because her dong is getting chomped.
Well, you got to think of it this way, though. Like, how should I think of it? Well, because pixels. You know, this is like little pixels that now when they come together, that's probably just like her nun hat. You know what I mean? But it's so well blended in.
Yes! Just like buried in the painting. Exactly. The guy with the snake here openly disapproved of the artist's inclusion of naked bodies in his work, of which there were a ton. Oh, so is this the Sistine Chapel? I can tell you, that's straight up right.
But I don't know what to do because I'm so important. I didn't get to guess!
Jordan, where do you think this is? Yeah, that's probably Starbucks, right? Don't they have a painting in there? Yeah, they do.
The Dick the Snake Man is in the Sistine Chapel mere feet away from Michelangelo's creation of Adam. Biaggio de Cessina was a Vatican official who kept picking fights with Michelangelo, saying that his work belonged in a brothel.
Anna, first place killed it. Here, I really screwed Jordan on this one, but truly, Darnell, you got second place because you at least guessed a place. I meshed up and gave the answer away. And Jordan, of his own volition, guessed Starbucks, and so that's definitely the worst answer.
There are Starbucks in Rome. There are not Starbucks, I mean, they're not the Louvre in Rome, shut up.
For our final round, we're gonna flip the script. This is Facto Pics. You're each being given a fact that I ostensibly don't know. You'll do your best to describe it to an AI image generator and then I'll take a look at whatever that spits out and try and guess what your fact is.
So you guys are gonna wager your points so we need to know how many points you have at this point in the game. So, do we have the points anywhere? How many points does Darnell have?
Yes! Oh, no! Yes!
Well, okay, before we celebrate, Jordan might have you beat, who knows? Do I have points there? How many points does Jordan have?
Yeah! He stopped it. Whoa! Took a lot longer for Darnell's.
I can, right? How many points does Anna have? All right, why don't you get five, six, seven, eight. Eight! Oh, you're right! I'm wrong! 13! I'm gonna have to deduct a point, Jordan. Sorry, you're right. I don't have any points this fair. Wait, how did I?
We'll cut that. Oh, oh, cause he, oh, my hair doesn't lie. Yeah. Well, so the good news is if anybody's game, maybe some of you might be mathematically already eliminated, I'm not sure. It's the one we wager! Right, so you're gonna win. This is where the real mind games begin.
First place gets the full amount of the points wagered added to their existing points. Second place gets nothing added. Third place gets that amount of points deducted from their existing points.
Anna, what are you gonna wager of your 13 points? You know what? Let's wager everything. Oh, I'm gonna win! Jordan, what are you wagering? Three points. Wow, okay. And Darnell? I'm gonna wager everything. I mean, cause- Oh, my God, I have a chance. Um, same. What is it?
These are pictures. To look at.
This is, this is, um, this is showing us the fact that window cleaners, sometimes, get stuck in the window. Window cleaners get stuck in the window about 12% of the time.
And they actually have very expensive insurance because of that fact. Yeah, that is so close.
Before alarm clocks, people in Britain would hire knocker uppers to knock on their windows with big sticks. So where does the pee pee come in? So for our audience that is, who is illiterate, we have a person in England knocking on a window with a big stick to wake up a person who was sleeping.
That's honestly a perfect prompt. You did feed it a lot of very grammatically correct.
Information, I feel like that's why I was like, ah, blobs, I don't know. Whoa, what's your guess? Oh, man, there's- Jassy? Wow, this is the first time you've seen anything that looks like this. Oh, man, I mean, look, John Lennon was cross-eyed and he had to get corrective lenses to fix his weird eyeballs. Oh, shoot, I missed that one. And you also scrolled up. I didn't read it, I can't read.
Okay, good. That's my guess. All right, is that it?
All right, in John Lennon's declassified file, the FBI mistakenly used a photo of- What? David Pope. Singer. Oh, I wrote- You wrote Pope David, David Pope. Do you know Pope Dave? You know, I don't know who he is. I thought it was a Pope. The Pope, the folklore. There was Benedict, there was Dave. Does Pope David have buttholes for eyes?
Yeah, that's really why I can't. Yeah, you have that kid in there. Jassy, I don't want to be the one to tell you this. Pope David, not real.
What? Oh, shit. All right, here it is. Damn it. Oh, what? Buddy, what did you do? Oh, so what do you think it is?
Okay, you can get a picture of your own junk printed onto a pair of underwear. So the answer is that the first rollercoaster in America was built by a hosiery businessman. I typed in rollercoaster underwear. Thinking that it would make a rollercoaster out of underwear and not underwear out of a rollercoaster. I've made up my mind.
Anna, you win? What? Yes. What? Here's why.
Yours had windows and people knocking on them. All of the important elements were there.
Darnell, I gotta give you second place. John Lennon was in there. Yeah, but you also entered Pope David instead of David Pope, and I feel like that was the biggest communication between you and the AI. Right, but I'm not Catholic, so I don't know. Few people are, and Jordan, that leaves you, unfortunately, in third place, but only because, and really- Dolly betrayed me, man. Yeah, Dolly really screwed you, man. I think you gave it your best effort, but you just weren't mind-melding with the AI. Anna, you win the whole Cuban sandwich.
Oh my god! Oh my god, I can't even accept this on vegetarian.
Oh, but- Well, you can give it to- I won't take it. You can choose to run her up. Yeah, I won't take it. No, I think I'll keep it, actually. I think I'm gonna go cry.
Well, thank you, Anna. Thank you, Jordan. Thank you, Darnell. Thanks for playing.
We'll see you next time. Everybody butt Jordan. We'll see you next time.
Ahh! No! Oh my god! |
SaturdayNightLive | ridiculousness_snl | You're watching Mtv At 9 it's three straight days of ridiculousness. But first, an all-new ridiculousness.
What is up?
Welcome to ridiculousness. I'm Rob Dyrdek and you wouldn't know it from my clothes, but I'm almost 50 y'all joining me. As always, Steelo Brim and Chanel whisk. Whoa! And today's special guest you know her from Tiktok is Lele two times. Oh congrats on all your success and for looking fine as hell. Thank you thank you!
Yeah just started 17 last week. 17. Oopsie I meant fine as hell as a friend I let's watch some biz kids. This is falling off all right. First peep, these fools party on a boat up in here.
Oh yeah, I feel you. I feel you.
I was on this family vacay one time right? My cousin Haley was doing that white girl selfie pose at the front of the boat.
We had a wave and bam she fell right off that boat. but like got swept under and the propeller cut her head off. Oh my god that is horrific. Yeah yeah. and the worst part was cuz like all the blood like a hundred little finding Nemo looking fish came around and started eating at her head. Yeah it was visceral. I'm um I'm so sorry girl. Yeah yeah me too. All right let's keep another bit. let's try to keep our anecdotes more like fun. Let's tragic and upsetting.
No? okay, check this out. Yo this this cat. dude. What? Oh Cuphead? oh no yo. that was trippin' Chanel. Like that one right there.
Y'all cats are a trip. man they crazy. yeah like Like growing up our cat Sadie was always getting pregnant. for real. She was giving birth one time and six kittens come out. Yeah, all of them looking different than their daddy. No, they came out fuse into one like big furry cat you know. Ball of cat parts and like ears, floss tails off sticking out. It was not fire. Chanel, You got a cat. You got any phony cat stories. Girl was the cat alive? Yeah, yeah. but like it didn't have a mouth so it was screaming from the inside like yeah, you don't need to keep making that noise.
Hi, we gonna play What's gonna go down? Here's the first frame of our next vid. Okay, oh, we got a dude in a laundry basket at the top of some stairs. All right, Stilo, what's gonna go down? Oh I think that dude was flying out of that thing on the first stair.
Man what? You think Chanel? same? So um. how long have to live yo?
No more cat ball? Okay the cat balls. Weird and sad. It's not the vibe of the show. Okay, yeah, I got to agree on that. man. let's kill the cat ball. Actually the mom cat killed the cat ball. yo. No more cat ball yo. The cat ball is done please.
Okay Lele, what do you think it's gonna go down in this vid? Okay okay I think this white boy gonna make all the way down to the bottom of the stairs. he's just gonna jump out and start wiling. Okay, and then you're gonna fall on his ass. Nah, he's gonna get a text that says his parents were murdered.
No, not that yo. All right, You know what? We're gonna take a quick break, reset the vibe, and we'll be back with more ridiculousness. I got a picture of the cat ball if anyone wants to see. I mean I'll take a look. |
dropout | wingman_air_force | I just say, I can't believe she left me for a guy who sells socks at the flea market. Oh my god, shut up. We are surrounded by beautiful women, okay? I mean, what about that girl over there? I mean, she's cute. Yeah, so you should go talk to her.
I'll be your wingman. I'll be your commander. Scouts, let's do a quick flyby.
Check for any boyfriends or engagement rings. Yee-haw! Giddy up, men. We are clear. Prepare for hookup. We are clear for takeoff, set course for the smoking babes by the jukebox. Sup?
Hi, I'm Mike. I'm Tara. Did you pick this song? This is like Mike's favorite. He plays guitar too. Tara, these guys are boring.
Let's go do shots. Take an anti-aircraft fire. Initiate evasive maneuvers. I'll do shots with you. Yee-haw! Nice shot.
So, like, what do you do? I'm in marketing. We're in marketing. Bogeys on history.
Where's my bombardier?
I'll be your man. Take one more. Come on. Aw, man. Let's go clean your vest. I can't open my clogger! Medic! I'm not ready. I'll let him go. Take these. Bring me back for me. It's gonna be okay. We got this. Come on. Straight up. It's too late for me, brother.
Gah! No! Tara, let's get out of here. I want some chicken fingers. Mayday! Alert! She wants chicken fingers.
Stand down, soldier. This isn't your show. You and I both know what needs to be done. Don't you be a hero, goddamnit!
He looks just like Channing Tana.
This place is gross. Want to go somewhere else? Uh, I have beer at my place.
Okay. Mission accomplished! I said I love you when she ran. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Yass_King_An_Update_An_Easy_Fix_September_9 | My name is Clancy Overall. Thank you for tuning in. It's great to have you here. Be that through the wireless or through podcasting if you know how to figure that out. I'm joined by Errol Parker. How are you Errol? Good mate. We used to have the two of us here this evening. It's often a bit taxing having a couple of young fellas in here or of course Effie Bateman.
Yeah well they ask a lot of questions about the state of the world. They haven't really lived. These kids are millennials. They have not.
And they're avocados but it's good every now and then we give them an early mark they head off to the pub and we finish up for the week. So it's great to be here. Lots actually happened.
No not much actually. Not much has happened. Not much in the scheme of things. Not much in the scheme. Not much on paper has happened but you know culturally you know the news will be jam packed for the next couple of weeks.
We're talking about the passing of course of Queen Elizabeth II. Anyone who can remember the passing of Princess Diana will remember that we couldn't watch you know Good News Week or Hey Hey It's Saturday for at least a month. Every night we were getting tributes and you know and then of course we had the funeral and then we had the analysis of the funeral and this is just how we live in this country because we are part of the commonwealth and we do worship this inbred family of dole bludgers from you know the other side of the planet. Well of course this pales in comparison to when our king died a few years ago John Paul II as we're both you know cut from the burgundy cloth Clancy. I think you're saying our king that died earlier this year the King of Spin.
Where was his welcome? He's no pope. Where was his VJ Day?
He was obviously a king but we're talking about a pope here. And the pope is higher than the king in terms of hierarchy so I guess you know the absolute pope of spin I'd say would be up there with like your muralies and yeah. The question I want to ask is are you considered a sellout if you are a Catholic and you worship the royal family? Well I think you know this particular royal family is head of the Church of England and the Church of England if you know even have a basic understanding of your Irish history are the bad guys in this film. They're the ones that have caused all the trouble and it's just us you know nice indentured Catholics that have to put up with them day in and day out so I guess you could say that here this is almost like this is bane dying in Batman. It is for a vast majority of Australia's you know at least white Anglo population or Anglo-Celtic should I say but I would like to ask and inquire Tony Abbott is a very staunch monarchist and a very staunch Catholic now unless he is the type of Catholic and that's rare that kind of survived the reformation in England.
He is a cattle tick who was born in England. Yeah well he is from England but I doubt he's from Irish heritage. He's come to this country as a foreigner. Yeah but is he of Irish Catholic heritage or is he one of the rare British Catholic English Catholics? He's British Catholic.
It's as rare as they come. Yeah I mean it's a...
Explains a lot of his behaviour I guess. If you want to talk about identity politics I mean that man is a war and a body. I don't envy him he did actually write an article today for the Australian newspaper where he said that Queen Elizabeth's death will be the most monumental and perhaps felt death of any living person in history which is interesting as a good Catholic because I think Jesus would have something to say about that. Well at the time you know I think that Jesus didn't really know that the church was going to split in Germany during the reformation so I guess I think Tony Abbott is very reactionary in that you know he likes to fly bushfires and he likes to pray to God. I think he did get a bit ahead of himself there because I think for me and you and Tony Abbott the biggest death of the past you know 20 years and obviously the century preceding that was John Paul II.
But I think we should kick off into this yeah you know we've been absolutely gibbering on for five minutes. We'll start here.
So the first headline reads for the weekly Batutah bulletin is report Yass king of course in reference to our new King Charles III? The third yeah. The third after enduring one of the most public and chaotic midlife crisis meltdowns in the late 1990s the Queen's eldest son Charles has become the oldest king to assume the British throne. Well he's got some big shoes to fill I mean Charles II was a bad motherfucker like he came in at the death of Cromwell who was you know not very well regarded in Irish Catholic circles but in the United Kingdom and Commonwealth countries including this one that we're recording in most have never known a male monarch. Yes this news however tragic brings with it a great opportunity for a bit more male representation in colonialist leadership positions.
And next up the Australian Royal Mint has begun drafting new wingnut coins capable of fitting King Charles's ears. With the passing of Queen Elizabeth II overnight an outpouring of mournful tributes are soon to be replaced by a landslide of logistics. Yes firstly orchestrating the handover to the new King Charles known as Operation London Bridge then of course there is the Queen's funeral a globally televised event that will rival the 2022 Birmingham Comm Games for ratings surely. And then of course the colonies like Australia must begin the long and arduous task of replacing Queen Elizabeth's face with King Charles. Yes be that in the CWA Hall or on the coins. Working with the Treasurer the Mint have today begun drafting wingnut coins aimed at keeping the shape of Australia's coins as close to Queen Elizabeth's models as possible just with two extra surfaces coming off the side to fit in the new King's binunks. The wingnut coins will likely enter circulation in early 2023 around the same time Prince Andrew is extradited to the Caribbean and sentenced to life in prison for crimes that he hasn't been charged with.
And next up R U OK Cupcakes in the Break Room solves a mental health crisis amongst staff on 14 hour days in toxic workplace. Yes a law firm known for harbouring a toxic work environment has this week popped some cupcakes in the break room for R U OK Day which is supposed to make up for the fact that most employees have had to give them a pep talk to head into work every day. Yes taken to various social media platforms to post photos of the cupcakes and whatever employees agreed to fake a smile for them Hunter Global was met with plenty of praise from clients and associates earning a smashing 105 likes on LinkedIn. It's alleged that no one actually convened to the chat in the break room seeing as though they were far too overworked to waste even 15 minutes for socialising so the employees were instead seen glumly munching on the cupcakes at their desk throughout the day.
Oh well it's great everyone's looking after themselves and looking after their mates. That's what R U OK Day is all about and I'm glad that it has entered the corporate sector. Anyway that's enough from us this week. Thank you for joining us. My name's Clancy Overall and my name is Errol Parker. Ciao. |
SaturdayNightLive | home_repair_show_snl | You thought you could fix it by yourself. plumbing's just as easy as building a shelf. when your D-y-i becomes so M-g or in over your head. well, hello. I'm Gus Van Tant, and welcome to In Over Your Head, where we talk to folks who got a little overconfident taking on projects around the house. sponsored by Thumb Ice. did you whack your thumb with a hammer like a cartoon idiot? None the pain with Thumb Ice. Okay, our first guest is Tommy Dorian, who says he tried to install his own pool. uh-oh. come on in, Tommy. Hi. All right, well, uh, looks like your hair's still a little wet from the pool there, Tommy. nah, that's unrelated. Okay. so, uh, tell us, what was behind your thinking behind building your own pool? Well, my neighbor put one in, a whole crew and an architect, a whole nine yards. I thought, it's basically a hole plus a hose. why overthink it? uh-huh. And when did things go wrong? almost immediately, Gus. My problem started when I tried to pour the concrete while I was still digging to save time. Oh, wow. Oh, wow, that's right. cut Tom up to my waist in hard concrete, screaming, oh, someone turn off the hose! So, you were already running the hose? to fill the pool to save time, Yes. Oh. had to have it open for New Years. Well, looking back, any regrets? I do wish I hadn't punctured my septic tank. that's a whole different kind of pool. Thanks for coming, Tommy. thanks for allowing me. next guest thought that he should, quote, do his own electrical.
No, first time electrocuted, long time. It hurt. So, how did you decide to do your own electrical work?
Yeah, I kept telling my wife, it's just wires. Babe, it's just wires. honey, nothing's going to happen, it's wires.
All right. You know when you see a guy diffusing bombs in the movie, you think I could do that? I've never thought that. Well, I have, a lot. So I thought, what the hell? I'm going to install my own circuit breaker. Oh, my God.
No. No, trust me, there is no God.
Now, the whole idea of a breaker is to stop a power surge, right? So I think I should start with the power that I'll all the way up, because that's what I'm trying to protect myself against, right? that is very bad logic. So, I got this thing cranked up higher than lightning, and I'm like, time to screw in the middle screws, right? No, not right.
And cut to, I fly so hard through a sheet of dry wall that my scream physically detaches from my body and travels at a slower speed, kind of like Peter Spanchado detaching from his body. Yeah, yeah, I got it. Yeah, so after I hit the steel support column, wiping out the entire first floor of my home, I am hit in the face by my own scream. it's wild, right? Yeah, wow. And what did you learn from all of this? you got to wear gloves.
Well, thank you, Felix. yeah, excited to get my check. there's no check. Final guest says that she's been trying to repair her home for months. Please welcome, Well, this can't be right, my wife, Carlisa. hey, hey, hey, baby, what you doing here? Oh, just trying to repair my home. this damn fool is out here pretending he's a big expert. meanwhile, his own house has literally fallen apart. Well, if you have a problem, baby, I'm happy to fix it. with what? this is your toolbox.
But there are no tools in here, though. it's just cans of Blatt's beer. And I've been looking for those. There's no tools in this whole goofy-ass workshop. it's just chocolate bars that look like tools. sometimes I get a little hungry.
Meanwhile, our toilet hasn't worked in months. I opened the lid of the tank and saw this. Well, you never know when you might need an ice-cold hot dog. And then you snuck some crushed-up peanut shells into our son's lunch to try to prove that he was faking his peanut allergy.
Now you got something, man! Well, the important thing is that I trust you now. Okay.
I still think he might be exaggerating a little bit. Gus, what do you have to say for yourself? Look, um, I think it's pretty clear that I'm in over my head.
No, no, no, don't you dare sing that damn jingle to me. No. this man sucked up a wasp nest with a vacuum, and now he won't even throw it away.
Well, it's a dice in here. idiot. idiot. Well, I got to beat you. you's an idiot. you want some of this tech? Over your head. over your head. |
cracked | three_dead_friends_episode_6 | Three crack writers locked me out of a room to write sketches. It's bullshit Hey, hey So it turns out we shut down your project three days in and whoever locked you guys in there Just never let you out. Whoever locked us in?
Yep. We got someone looking into that. I know who locked us in Daniel now that's not your job and you know it but since it happened. I figured we should check out what you guys made Jack there were no computers or cameras or water or toilets We're in humans.
I fucked a dog fuck that dog. He ain't that dog.
He fucked This is really great stuff guys, and I can't wait to see how it informs the sketch you made There is no sketch Found it in the conference room with a note that said Skept They asked you guys about it kept calling yourselves the three amigos de Muerto smearing pie on each other's faces showed it to an intern and He killed himself. Oh Good. Yeah, let's show that Digging who can dig I hate this fuck this up for us I thought I was having phantom smells that I was having a really long stroke. That's how the body works Nobody is fucking this dog take turns. Obviously. I have to cut someone's leg off to get out Yeah Jack he bolted really early on really wasn't that long a sketch couldn't stick around loved what I saw videos up doing great We're gonna do the whole thing again.
See you in four months.
Yay three dead friends We should have had the dog eat the pie to see if it was poison and then we could eat the pie That's true. Also. We had a gun at one point. You know seems like a real messed up.
Whoa is Sean? Oh That was it imperceptible Hi, we'll crack that comm editor and chief Jack O'Brien we just locked three writers in a room for 45 or 60 days I forget |
cracked | does_time_travel_exist_in_game_of_thrones_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everybody, welcome to winter is taking forever cracks responding to Game of Thrones show start with Sansa gets a letter from little finger who is already at Moles town and she yells at him and that's that's good. I really thought that she's gonna take off her cloak and like Finger would be missing or she'd be covered in scarlet She was gonna show something and then I was gonna be even more angry than I yeah Usually am about anything going on with Sansa and little finger in the Bolton's but she left with John and torment Are they all going there? Just leaving it's just like they're leaving together and then she's gonna split off and just be like, alright guys Don't don't mess with Sansa is Brianne and and Tormann the new like Ross Rachel situation Yeah, it's that show. That's my favorite thing right now. Yeah, I'm okay with this we've updated that fan shipping relationship where in one episode torment like Sexually aggressively eats at Brianne And then today he smiled at her and I'm I'm really excited that it was a nice like we're gonna be on the road together for a while I just like that.
He hasn't spoken to her. Yeah, he's just been giving her And he's just like I don't I don't know what to do. I thought the bear Yeah, but I can't I can't talk to this amazing woman.
It's time for everybody's favorite segment Everybody loves like we did the Kingsmoot today in Kingsmoot. We're getting to know you're on a little bit That's Baylor's brother. He claims the iron throne and they're like fine You we all this is our version of voting everyone just started shouting you're on You're on wins this week for me for Worst line of dialogue every once in a while someone in the show will say something that is just garbage And this one goes where my niece and nephew if you let's go murder them He says let's go murder them. Let's go And everyone's like cool thing to say bro Meanwhile theon and Yara have stolen all their best ships men in the game of thrones universe are stupid and the women are much Better rulers and she could be like dang this idiot who's gonna marry you He thinks his dick is so great. She's like I got dicks for days. Look at what's happening It's a good segue to Jorah and Dario Hanging out with her. Yeah, and Dario just being like I'm now third wheel. Yeah Another silly moment in this show because she was like Jorah.
I banished you twice and you came back twice. I Can't have you around anymore. You can't keep doing this I also can't actually be around you and then she immediately was like oh Go get that fix and then come back. I need you by my side. I command you to heal yourself We spent some time with Aria.
She's got her mission now She's been told by Jack and Hagar to kill the lady in this play with the threat of if I don't if you don't do It we're gonna kill you, right? Which is I guess that's a thing. I feel like she has the skills It's just like oh I learned how to poison people here and fight a little bit better They also as far as it's not a great teaching Institute the the the way No, so the way of just keeps beating the shit out of her and then saying you're not ready And if I'm Aria, I'm like teach me how to be better at this Like I'm not this isn't helping me. I'm just I just hate you So we're gonna check in with with a with bran who still hanging on that tree and he Wards you that he just have is like a little teenage rebel moment I'm just like I'm just gonna touch this tree cuz I want to such a dumb Like I really is thing to do and the night King can see him and touches him Now this new magic we invented says that oh your mark that means he can get into this cave and knows where you are It'd be nice if they had told him that I feel like you should tell people the rules like well how you're protected the three-eyed Raven just keeps saying you want not ready also like everyone is not ready for anything And like you've spent too much time here if I am a powerful tree monster I'd be like look by the way here are some of the dangers. Yeah inherited this This is why you need me around and you shouldn't do it on your own But he also knows everything you do so maybe he's just like this is just gonna happen anyway It doesn't matter what I tell this kid. He's gonna The biggest thing that the Internet is very excited about right now is the the tragic heroic tale of Hodor Slash Willis we find out why Hodor was called Hodor and why he only says Hodor all the time Everyone cried and everyone had a moment this guy and it was a big deal and it was very sad also summer Summer dying is is sad. That's it. That's a We also found out in this episode that those a stupid fucking garbage tree goblins created the the white walkers That's yeah, you think if you make them a monster you would know how to kill it Yeah, where these treatment goblins and we made these other different kinds of monsters to fight you, but now we hate them alright if We're throwing a lot of magic around if one of you can just make me walk I feel like things would be better We clearly have grenades that we can make out of acorns or whatever That part of the episode Predictions, what do you think is gonna happen? Next week's episode go Probably nothing until the very last bit of the episode again something cool and emotional do you think this a Tyrion getting in league with the red priestess and the that whole red god world you think that's gonna Be a good thing or a bad thing Yeah, I mean the red priestess she seemed all about the dragons and and I have a feeling she's gonna end up following Tyrion Yeah, I feel like that's that route I feel like Danny's gonna have some some words when she gets back cuz she's gonna come back with a giant Dothraki horde. Mm-hmm. I mean like what the fuck you brought slavery back and now we have this will you made this the religion? No, this is hey fire fire fire.
He's gonna be like, but no one's killing each other though Yeah until now and then she just kills everybody Think we're gonna go back to Dorne at all For what? I don't know They're gonna be someone's ace in the hole at some point because we know there's gonna be a huge battle this season Yeah, I mean like this they've they've got to be the secret army that comes to someone's aid whether it's oh shit Yara got the Dorne snakes or torment wooed the snakes or someone someone is going to get those snakes to get on their side and then just when we think all hope is lost for Either John's army or Danny's army. Boom Dorne Dorne, baby.
I guess in my head. I'm just like I don't I don't care anymore about them I came in here all gung-ho like this is a great episode. I had a good time This is this is fine. And then just like 10 minutes talking to Dan and just going like oh, yeah, I guess Yeah Yeah, oh, this is just a sad show everything sad the world is a tomb. Good night everybody Hey everyone, thank you so much for watching Make sure you like and subscribe and all that and let us know in the comments what other Segments we should do in the future. This one had predictions and everybody loves Pike and whatever else we said whenever we said it Mike start working everyone find your stuff plug your your life Twitter star line X and my webcomic candy comics calm with an eye candy with an eye Uh Yeah, and I'm yeah, I don't I don't know how to self promote This is just look at my name on Google like you'll find my shit. It's fine. Great |
dropout | the_miracle_of_godzilla_birth | from time bandits to time baby nerds are passionate about a lot of things there's something they love above all else and that is correcting people this is um actually joining us on today's episode we have Nathan Yaffe happy to be here Hailey Mancini covered in cat fur and ready to go and Kurt Damato catch phrase game is very simple I have here a stack of statements these are false untrue statements about the things that you like it's up to you to find what is wrong with it and correct me by buzzing in only two rules are you must proceed your corrections with the phrase um actually you don't I won't give you a point and you can interrupt me at any point at when I'm reading the question you don't need to wait for the question to finish just like in real life that that's pretty much it how are you guys feeling it looks like there's a little bit of nerves there's some there's some tension on the bench a bit to quote Star Wars I've got a good feeling about this hey wait a minute all right well we'll go ahead and get started then so make yourself comfortable grab your buzzers and we'll jump right in to this first question in the movie Son of Godzilla a group of scientists find an enormous egg from which a creature named Godzilla jr. hatches Godzilla jr. yes I'm actually god Zuki no no I'm sorry it's not not kazuki oh well we don't know what the question I'll start again from the beginning in the movie Son of Godzilla a group of scientists find an enormous egg from which a creature named Godzilla jr. hatches Godzilla jr. would later appear in Godzilla vs. mecha Godzilla 2 Godzilla vs. space Godzilla and Godzilla vs. Desuroa Nathan I'm actually wasn't scientists it was tourists that's a very funny idea for for like a kaiju movie a group of unsuspecting tourists like stumble on a thing but that is incorrect yeah um actually yes he was not born of an egg his mother gave birth to him and it was beautiful because the Mothra was God do it they got a big old camcorder so it's not God Zuki you're on the right track I will say that like you're you're on the right track you don't you don't your specifics are wrong Oh crud well that's typical yeah oh that sounds about right my specifics are wrong yeah nope no points for that one these questions are intentionally very difficult I'm actually the creature that hatches in Son of Godzilla is Manila or minya there's a different son of Godzilla that is Godzilla jr. gotcha he's real goofy he's real that's very he's very goofy he blows smoke circles and he hangs out with this one kid and like they're like learn stuff to it was when like Godzilla went through its friend like we got to be kid-friendly yeah so there's like there's like a couple movies in there that's just like kind of wacky yeah but that's fine cuz that's when like Rodan came up and Rodan well I mean Rodan was around a while but he went through a phase where he became like Godzilla's friend of me and it's like Rodan the sculptor yes we're we're writing an amazing movie find an egg and Rodan the sculptor well no point for that one but that's okay we had a good time anyway on to our next question which is about the Simpsons the Simpsons in the Simpsons episode two dozen and one Greyhounds mr. Burns ends up convinced by Barton Lisa to spare the lives of the 25 puppies spawned from their dog Santa's little helper and his mate she's the fastest unable to home the 25 dogs Marge makes the kids distribute the puppies to random townsfolk including snake groundskeeper Willie and crusty um actually there were not 25 there were 25 Greyhounds actually not groundskeeper Willie but chief Wiggum we need one for the classic quote in an odd phrasing of this question you are kind of technically you're maybe technically right but not you're not correcting the right thing here there's something that I'm pretty sure chief Wiggin does take one yeah okay gotta read it again yes I will read it is a very long question in the Simpsons episode two dozen and one Greyhounds mr. Burns ends up I just want um I know I got it wrong it's called two dozen and one Greyhounds and that's I was like that's 21 but so you can take a point away yeah um actually they don't convince mr. Burns to spare the puppies they they do some sort of caper to escape them instead oh you you know what I will you identified what is wrong you your specifics right so I'll give you the point unless Kirk or Haley can get Kirk um actually yeah the dogs do an amusing trick when they do do that's but that's Haley Haley you're lit up here um actually mr. Burns takes favor to one puppy and he and he's like because it it jumps up and bags and he's like oh I'll see I'm going to keep this one and he names it something ridiculous and then Bart and Lisa use a clothesline to pull a sock over the rest of the dogs and the dogs all jump up and begging he goes now I can't tell the difference between any of them so I'll kill them all but then they get them out and oh actually the name was the person is always walking around that famous person is always walking around Rory Calhoun this is incredible in that we've described so much of this episode I so I think where's what I'm gonna I'm gonna give the point to Nathan who has identified the main thing that's wrong they don't distribute the dogs at the end of this episode what I was hoping for if someone could get more correct than Nathan which is that mr. Burns keeps all the dogs and he and they all become winners in the greyhound racing yes because of their superior genetics and somehow he wins again yes that is what actually happens if unfortunately it's too late to claim the point for that well the scene that we're all thinking of when they distribute the dogs is from a later episode where Santa's little helper and dr. Hibbert's dog Rosa Barks has have a litter and they distribute those puppies so totally understood very tricky of us to to confuse two dog distribution scenes that's the one where Chief Wiegand there were not 25 puppies for that one we've described a whole lot of that episode unfortunately we didn't get that specific detail for either of you to claim it so I'm gonna give that one to Nathan that's fair that's fair I'm personally ashamed at myself every every time you just keep describing the episode eventually infinite monkeys here type in a way which is also a scene in mr. Burns mansion in the Simpsons times it was stupid monkey this is everything I want from this just endless quotes in Westeros Valerian steel swords are particularly prized they're exceptionally sharp never need honing and the technique to make Valerian steel was lost when doom befell Valeria Jon Snow acquires the Valerian steel sword ice when he is gifted it by Jeyor Mormont I'm actually ice is Ned Stark's sword that's correct that's correct ice is Ned Stark sword Jon Snow doesn't have that sword Jon Snow sword is do you know I'm gonna give you the point no matter what but but I'm just curious if you can if you could pull it pull a name out out from thin air mr. putter actually his swords name is Rory Cali we'll give you the point Nathan yeah ice is Ned Stark's sword that you later melted down and turned to two different swords Jon Snow sword is long claw which he does get from J or Mormont also they address this in the show but like don't name a weapon don't name your sword that's like that like if you met someone and they're like let me show you my gun I call it you know like I'll call it the boom maker it's like I need to get out of here yeah I thought you were going towards like guys naming their swords in general like sword guys cuz I'm like every girls dated a sword guy but like didn't know and then you're like I like I thought this guy was okay that I came home and he's like not two swords on the wall no headboard and he has a snake I feel bags I feel like you're describing a specific person well that's a point for Nathan I wanted to get at least one point and I did it you know I can just relax all right this next one is about tailspin the animated show tailspin tailspin in some ways seems to be a spin-off of the jungle book and that it also features the character of Baloo but this version of Baloo wears clothes flies a plane and is the only character from the jungle book to appear in the series yes Kurt oh actually come on we have Louie and King Louie but he's no longer a king and he wears a Hawaiian shirt and let's not forget sheer con why did I I'm so I actually didn't have Louie on here but I did a sheer con was what I was going for um is King Louie also in the show yes he must be amazing no I'm gonna have you know actually now you say Hawaiian shirt that that image is like yeah once you said that I was wearing Hawaiian shirt blue wears khaki okay sure cons like a evil anchor yeah he's wearing a suit he went from hating humans to really embracing the human way of doing yeah apparently something like they wanted something that felt like a mix of like Casablanca and Cheers as a sort of like it's like we want this sort of like it to be like this sort of like like need slash post where there's something like the implication is that there is like this a giant world war that's going on like outside like this little carver that's very safe and and then they and we want this kind of like you know so we want this sort of like Sam and Diane thing going on between Baloo and spot it feels like fan fiction right it's just like we took these characters from this thing and we're like what if it's an alternate universe where animals fly planes yeah that's so silly it's a very silly very silly show kids loved Casablanca well with that we will move on to our next question and this brings us to our very first shiny question of the game shiny questions just like shiny Pokemon so they're worth the same number of points they're just a little bit different and a little bit rarer now this is a game called dictionary just a second I'm gonna give you the name of a monster from folklore from from some kind of folklore and I'm not gonna give you anything other than the name and it'll be up to you to draw to the best of your ability this monster now I'm not I'm not gonna be looking for like like like the best drawing here but I'll be looking for a few key features that are sort of like definitional to the creature great so your monster is a kappa kappa Kirk with a gasp and a quick pen I have a photograph of one very strange very strange thing what artistic point of view do I want to take what school what tradition of art are we are we looking for here I'll say there's there's specifically three things that I'll be looking for here in your drawing of the Kappa I'll give you guys a hint it's Japanese that's a freebie from Kirk you get one get one maybe two Kirk is capping his pen capping for the capping for the Kappa Nathan is capping his pen okay and Haley is ready all right well you were tasked with drawing the most accurate representation you could have a Kappa let's see what you got Nathan show us your Kappa that's really good you bastard you gave me a drawing chat all right Nathan tell us about your Kappa okay so I'm pretty sure they're like the root of Koopa from from Mario and I remember it also there was a college humor video about like the other different Greek letter type of males and the Kappa male was because Caldwell made it and so I tried my best remember they've got like a thingy on their head and their turtle like you've got the things that I'm looking for this the the divot in the head the turtle shell a little beak those are the main thing Mario just for fun necessary but always great to see Mario pop pop in when he's around that's for you nerds that's a pretty accurate representation of a Kappa Haley let's see what you got oh but is it let's see what I've got well that's it for this preview of um actually if you enjoyed it I have good news there's a lot more of it over on dropout go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today and fun fact I'm not wearing any pants right now you're gonna see six cartoon characters and six names along the side be up to you to match the voice actor who voiced these particular characters |
dropout | how_to_make_a_human_pot_pie | Hey guys, this is Gorf, and today I'm going to show you how to make a fresh and easy human pot pie. First you're going to want to take a pie tin, and I use about 500 potatoes, 300 carrots, about 1000 peas, 10 pounds of salt, 10 pounds of pepper, and of course, your protein, about 5 or 6 fresh humans. I've found that using fresh meat makes all the difference.
There's really no contest between frozen humans and these bad boys. These little guys came from Southern California. I climbed down from the clouds and ripped the roof off an office building and look how fresh they are, almost constant futile attempts to escape. For the best flavor, you'll want to keep these puny mortals alive.
We'll run around a little bit, but don't be discouraged if they lose an arm or a leg or two. It's totally fine. No, let's put it all together. It is just that easy. Don't worry everyone, I got this. Again, you probably want them alive at this point, but if any of them give you any extra trouble, just, this is a little gross, squeeze them until they die. If you lost any arms or legs earlier, just throw them in now. They'll be fine.
Now just place it near a volcano, and wait about 40 minutes, and look at that. It's beautiful. Notice how putting them in alive creates these sort of frozen in time, horrified looks on the crust. Exquisite.
And that's it. Just a few easy steps, and you'll have your own human pot pie in no time. It's just that easy.
Click here to subscribe, and click here to see a fun way to spice up your golden egg omelets. Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe, or you can click over here for something else fun. You can also click here if you want to feed me clicks. I like them. Mmm, clicks. |
dropout | The_Baby_of_the_Friend_Group | So the Albertsons were the last family I babysat for, and their number is also in my references. Oh, wonderful. Well, we are planning a beach vacation, and we're looking to hire someone to watch our Lily. Great.
How old is she? She just turned 30. Wow, you both look so young. Oh, my goodness. No, no. She is not our child. She's the baby of our friend group.
Is the Wi-Fi working for you guys? Is it on airplane mode?
She's so cute. She's technically an adult, but she has the practical life skills of a toddler. That can be tough. I mean, we love her. You know, we really do, and we want her to come with. But it's been a little hard to travel when she doesn't know how to make a reservation at a restaurant or load a dishwasher.
Never responds to email threads. Always arrives late, if at all.
Yes. Only knows how to cook eggs. Yes. Every time she insists she can cook dinner for us, it's always dry ass eggs. That's very, very normal for the baby of the friend group.
How unprepared do you think she is for the trip this week? Who knows? Hold on, I'll see. Lily, do you know where we're going this week?
Beach. Oh, good. Yeah.
Do you know which beach? There's more than one beach? Yes, there's more than one beach in Los Angeles.
We're going to Santa Monica. We told her. And what are you bringing for your trip?
Weed. And? And toothbrush. And what else? Just the brush?
Or are you going to want some toothpaste too? Can I just borrow this? Hell no. The last time she used up all my Colgate Max White for men, and my mouth smelled like a trash can. Instead of like, you know, a man. Please.
She used my expensive face sunscreen on her entire body. I didn't know. And I got sunburned. Okay, I'll bring my own pastes and lotions.
And don't you think you want to bring a swimsuit? I can't find mine. Oh my goodness. Lillian, we got you a swimsuit last year. It's lime green so she wouldn't lose it. Where is it? I'm wearing it. Lily, no. Pants on. She's like pushing boundaries. Are you wearing your bathing suit because you ran out of clean underwear? Yes. But it's my second time wearing it when I do it all inside out so it's good as new.
She smells. I could smell that.
You guys are being so mean. Laundry's really hard. Please stop whining.
I have an idea, something that could help. Separated by color. I just want to do one. No. It's a fireball.
You really get her. You're hired. Great. She's sweet.
I'm hungry. Do you guys want eggs? No. Oh, you know what? I got this. Come on, you're hungry? Come here and have a sip. Try to get on there.
This freaky shit always happens when you try to hire a babysitter for your adult child. Oh, she latched.
Hey, did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five times one. |
dropout | the_worst_customer_at_the_bar_the_schining_pt_3 | We hired you to be writers. Why don't you write?
Hi Lloyd. Bit slow tonight, isn't it? Yes it is, Mr. Trapp. What'll it be? I'm awfully glad you asked me that, Lloyd.
Do you have any local draft beers? When I'm traveling I like to try the local stuff. We have a local sour beer, sir. Sour?
Awfully trendy, Lloyd. So you guys do here, you just follow trends? No, sir. We also have a local lager. What are the tasting notes like on that? Similar to a Stella, sir. Wow. Really cracked the case for me there, Lloyd. Just answer me this. Does it have too much tangerine on the palate? Uh, no. We also have a Sam Adams seasonal. Yeah. You and every airport bar in America, am I right, Lloyd?
Would you like to look at a menu, sir? Menus are for diners. A good bar man should be able to recommend me a drink.
Sir, I heard you're writers. They might need some correcting.
How about wine? You got a good narrow Davla? No, sir. Do you have anything tannic? We have a lovely Cabernet, sir. Of course you do, a Cabernet. Great. Um, what are the tasting notes on that?
It's pretty big and... Big. Big and fruit forward, sir.
Uh, dry bootles up. We don't have bootles, sir. Old Tom? We don't have that. Burley? No, we don't have that.
Four pillars? We have Hendrix? That's it. Four pillars? No, that's it.
All right, um, Royal Guard, then. I'll slum it. You're writers. They might need a... firm hand.
Lloyd, you ever notice that tips have gone up? What's with that? You know, it used to be 10%. And then it was 15. And now it's 20?
I mean, what's going on, right? It's not like you're doing anything different. It's the same drink. It's the same job. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's the ice you're using?
It's too small, Lloyd. It'll melt too quickly.
Anyway, the whole tipping thing's a scam. It's like, what? Because you're gonna charge me more for a drink, you deserve more of a tip?
Uh, here's a tip, Lloyd. Work harder. Anyway. Look, no, no. Did I or did I not ask for a dry martini? The vermouth balance here is just a mess. Now, Lloyd, this one is too cold. Perhaps if you give it a moment, sir. Sir, you should kill your writers. You know, I hate to do this, but I'm gonna have to talk to your manager. Absolutely. What seems to be the problem? Hi, thank you. I don't want to be a problem customer, but, I mean, your bartender can't make simple drinks. Perhaps you'd like to try out barrel-aged Manhattan.
It's to die for! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh!
Because he's dead.
Excuse me.
I'm wondering if I could cut you in line. I'm in a bit of a rush.
I'm rescuing my friends from a murderer. Oh, we all are. That's why we're here. You're all rescuing your friends from a murderer? Yeah, this whole area is pretty popular for that. Do you all have the shining?
Yeah, of course. I guess they could wait a little bit.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
dropout | did_you_know_we_work_with_a_sex_demon_hardly_working | Siobhan, can I talk about something serious? Yeah, sure. Okay, so Dan was saying that Jeff, from accounting, may be sexually harassing some of the women in the office. Do you know anything about this? Yeah, I've been telling you for years. You have? Yeah, no, Jeff is an incubus, like a demon spirit that molests women. Look. You're saying Curly Dick Jeff is a sex demon?
Well, it's not like he's been particularly secretive about it. I know, it's just kind of a surprise. You know, he's such a good guy. Jeff, what the hell? I never got my paycheck last week. All right, cool. Thanks for looking into it. You're a really good dude. I mean, it's almost as if you've all been willfully ignoring it. I just can't believe it, you know.
Do you think Jeff was accused of sexual harassment? No, it's so surprising Jeff's such a good guy. Yeah, like a really good good man. Please stop saying that he's a good guy, he's an incubus. I thought incubus was a bad. It's also a sex demon, like Jeff.
You though, I'm disappointed in you. What?
Yeah, you knew about this Jeff stuff and you didn't say anything. I've been telling you for years. We have all been telling you for years, nobody did anything about it.
We had to create a secret slack group just to know where he was at all times. It's called Jeff Watch. Siobhan, I saw you weren't on Jeff Watch.
You know, he's in the women's restroom. Thank you. So you had to make a whole channel just for women for this? Yeah.
You can't do that, that's discriminatory. Don't sexist against us. First of all, that is not a verb. And second of all, you are the ones being sexist.
I mean, why did you believe Dan and not me? There's something about when you explained it that didn't feel believable. Trill. But when Dan described it, the truth just exploded all over. Okay, no, why did you even hire him?
I felt bad for him. He had a really rough childhood. Yeah, you know, he was summoned by a wizard. And he had to survive on his own for years, just eating stolen babies. Do not feel bad for him. Feel bad for all of the women whose lives have been affected by him being a fucking creep.
Oh my god, he's going into heat. He's going into heat!
Those beards are for protection? Like your faces are just cold.
So is Jeff going to be fired? Oh, well, there's going to be an investigation. You know, we need to give him a chance to give him a chance. Only 26 women have come forward so far, so it's just a case of he said, she said.
She said. She said, she said. She said, she said, she said, she said, she said. She said. She said, she said, she said. She said, she said, she said, she said, she said. She said, she said, she said, she said. She said.
So really who knows what happened? Oh, and if you talk about this with anyone else Just remember that you need to use the word allegedly. We don't want to be Smurch's reputation. Jeff's a really good guy She said Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor If you want to subscribe click over here and for more fun stuff click over here And if you want access to College Humor's secret site Make sure you send your social security number your credit card information and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me |
TheOnion | How_To_Die_Right_After_Seeing_DC_Cherry_Blossoms_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | I've heard so much about the cherry blossoms in Washington, D.C., but I've never seen them. The airfare is so expensive, and it just seems kind of silly, but I would just like to see them once before I die. Should I just do it? The D.C. cherry blossoms are really, really amazing, so I definitely understand why you want to see them right before you die.
Here are three quick tips. Travel in late March before the cherry blossom madness sets in. Book your hotel well in advance, and buy the shotgun that you're going to use to blow your brains out well before your state's firearm waiting period. Remember, when using a shotgun, aim for your face, and when you're using a pistol, aim for the side of your head. Now, I wasn't sure from your question, it was a little vague, how soon after you see the cherry blossoms that you want to kill yourself. You could shoot yourself right on the mall, but this will definitely cause a commotion if you care about that kind of thing.
The other option is to wait until you're back home in the hotel, but please do it in the shower. Be courteous to the housekeeping staff because they're already overworked. Now, this is a little different approach.
Instead of intentionally killing yourself right after seeing the cherry blossoms, you can travel to D.C. right before you're about to die. For instance, diagnosed with cancer in the summer of 2051. You're probably going to want to cut your cancer med January 2052, so that when you travel to D.C., see the cherry blossoms, you are so weakened with the disease, it's just a matter of days until you pass the hereafter. One way to deal with this problem is to just not care that much about the D.C. cherry blossoms.
I mean, they're very, very nice, don't get me wrong, but they might not be something you want to go out of your way for. They're mostly for children or half-wits because they provide this immediate, meaningless pleasure.
So, just kill yourself at home and save the trouble. Bye-bye.
Don't forget to like this video and comment and ask questions in the comments. Grungeman92 asked, what's the craziest thing I've ever eaten? That would be a Cobb salad. Alright, well, thanks for watching. |
dropout | a_video_with_text_on_top_and_bottom | a hoop and it stretches and people sit around the edge of it for uh you know you know the game Duck Duck Goose. I'm sorry this is a hoop that makes playing Duck Duck Goose a children's game easier.
I'm not explaining myself well. Okay does anyone have any sketch ideas? Yeah I got one. Who said that? Oh god I'm afraid to ask. We should put text at the top and bottom. What? Just put a bar with text above and a bar with text below and the video will play right there in the middle. Okay but what is your sketch idea? It doesn't matter. Text will explain it.
But doesn't the video just look really small? Only a third of its own window. Anything you're proud of making now looks objectively worse but that shit will blow up online. No but really what is it actually called? It's called letterboxing. The video! What is the video called? This dumb fucking design that's popular nowadays with uh idiots. Okay I get that it grabs your attention but do you have an idea for a video at all?
My idea is to put text above and below. Put text above and below and even Grant's insane idea will do numbers. Just letterbox that shit and boom instant Facebook success.
Duck Duck Goose. I'm gonna pull up a picture. Trying to find a picture of what you're talking about? I'm going to pull up a picture.
Zach I talked to my priest about you. What? Your priest? What is your life?
And he said that you are toxic. I would love it if one day one of you brought one sketch to this meeting. Well I think Zach has an idea with text. What does the text even say? Just like plainly says what's in the video like funny dog or awesome dad. It's like fucking get it lied and take your soap already you fucking robots.
Zach you can't smoke in here. The fucked up part is they don't want choice. They don't want to think. Probably just share the videos before they even watch them. Again Zach that is really inappropriate. You cannot smoke. You cannot drink in here.
Whoa! I'm so tired. Okay. No. The hoop. No. It extends to your feet.
And everyone can see it and they sit around it. And everyone's sitting. You can't see it but before that you see everyone. You see everyone at once.
You didn't do it right. Everyone closes their eyes for the story. You didn't do it right. It only works in a circle. You did not do it right.
Katie. One sketch. One idea.
You're not gonna have that okay. Not with this cast.
Hi it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or you can click over here for something else fun. You can also click here if you want to feed me clicks. I like them. Hmm. Clicks. |
dropout | Dating_With_Footnotes_Online_Date | So glad we can meet in person, and I can confirm you do look like your profile picture. Likewise. Here's to accuracy. I don't go on many online dates, but your profile stood out. You're a public defender? Uh, but it's no big deal. I mean, I just help people find better paths.
But it's nothing compared to you working in medicine. It must be so rewarding saving lives. Saving lives, it is rewarding for the person who gets to do it.
But enough about me. You're recently back from traveling abroad. I've been back a week, yes. Sorry, I'm having a little bit of reverse culture shock if I seem a bit off. I love to travel, but it's hard to find time. I've been so busy.
Your profile made that clear with all the time outdoors. How much cooking you do. You're writing, but you're so easygoing. It's almost like you're not even real. Although, most nights, I just want to stay at home, look at my phone, and eat cereal.
Thank God. Me too. I love you.
Wait, what? What? Nothing. You just say you love me? What?
I thought you said I love you. I didn't say that. I didn't say anything. I love you. You love me? No, I did not say that. That was not said. |
cracked | tom_green_was_the_only_nice_person_towards_monica_lewinsky | One of the darkest moments in comedy history has to be that despite the fact that the most powerful man in the world took advantage of a White House intern, the 90s comedy scene decided to destroy Monica Lewinsky instead of Bill Clinton. SNL ran Monica as a character on their show 15 times in two years. Leno and Letterman had entire monologues devoted to calling Monica a slut. And the only comedian who took issue with this representation of Monica was Tom Green. He said, we were about the same age, you know, there was a different kind of connection that we had because others were just looking at her like some sort of a punchline. Green invited Monica to join him on a special episode of his MTV series, The Tom Green Show, where the affair was never discussed, reminding people that she's just a young woman. Green spoke about how comedians handled the situation in the 90s and said, comedy evolves and changes. You can look back at something that was said in the 1950s, 60s, or 80s, and it's just a completely different sort of behavior. And that's a good thing because that means that we're progressing as a culture. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_looker_snl | David, for the last time, you have to unpack your clothes. we moved in a month ago, Honey. I will, Mom. I've just been busy. busy? aka slirting with every girl in school. Shut up! Honey, is everything okay?
I just found this letter. it slipped under our door. I. I don't know. it's. it's strange. Well, what does it say? Dearest New Neighbors at 322 Oak Ridge Boulevard. allow me to introduce myself. I'm the Looker, and I see everything you do. is this some kind of sick prank? I don't know, Carol. I see you're settling in nicely. your daughter likes to write in her diary about the boy who mows the lawn. and your son has been hard at work practicing his guitar. Dad, this is creeping me out.
As for your wife. after everyone's asleep, she goes to the kitchen and eats an entire second dinner. What? that's like. what? she eats it like a greedy, panicked raccoon, afraid of getting caught.
Okay. nice for you, Daddy Dearest. I hope you enjoy your morning jogs around the neighborhood. I know your wife does. after you leave, she gets a snack, turns on the Tv, and pleasures herself. To the Property Brothers.
Okay. that's not ringing a bell. but he knows about my jogs, Carol! in my diary And David's guitar! I know! that's why it's so weird that all my stuff is clearly made up! Listen, your life may seem perfect, but the looker knows it's not.
And your poor wife seems to be having trouble in the bathroom, a sailor in there, rocking back and forth, trying to make something happen. You got this, bitch! give yourself little pet talks. Your mother, come on! come on! come on! She gets so frustrated she'll go downstairs and blow off steam with more Property Brothers. Why is she so aroused by that shell?
Is it the Brothers, or is it the Property? Oh My. God, Mom! Someone downloaded every episode of Property Brothers! What? And they only watched five minutes of each one! What The frick? So this weirdo snuck into our house and messed with the Tv? Okay, now I'm weirded out. officially. Then it says.
Just today, the kid's practiced a tiktok dance. Dad worried about his hairline, and Mom was on her exercise bike. Wait, that one's real. Oh, I wasn't done. she doesn't even pedal, just sits on a bike and looks at her phone. but she still ends up drenched in sweat.
And it's back to the bathroom to do battle once again. Why can't I go? Till next time.
I'm watching. Okay, we need to go to the police and tell them that this guy's making up lies about just me! we will. But I think it would be safest if we stayed in the hotel for the night. Well, one of us should stay, just to, you know, look out for the house. I guess I'll do it, since this guy's got nothing on me. if you're watching, it's the property I'm into, not the Brothers. you moved in a month ago, honey.
I will, Mom, I've just been busy. busy? A.k. flirting with every girl in school. Shut up! Honey, is everything okay?
I just found this letter. it slipped under our door. I don't know. it's strange. what does it say? Dearest New Neighbors at 322 Oak Ridge Boulevard. allow me to introduce myself. I'm the Looker, and I see everything you do. is this some kind of sick prank? I don't know, Carol. I see you're settling in nicely. your daughter likes to write in her diary about the boy who mows the lawn, and your son has been hard at work practicing his guitar. Dad, this is creeping me out.
As for your wife? Life.
After everyone's asleep, she goes to the kitchen and eats an entire second dinner. What? that's like, what? she eats it like a greedy, panicked raccoon, afraid of getting caught.
Okay. as for you, Daddy Dearest. I hope you enjoy your morning jogs around the neighborhood. I know your wife does. after you leave, she gets a snack, turns on the Tv, and pleasures herself. To the Property Brothers. Okay. that's not ringing a bell. but he knows about my jogs, Carol. in my diary.
And David's guitar.
I know. that's why it's so weird that all my stuff is clearly made up. Let's see this. your wife may seem perfect, but the looker knows it's not. And your poor wife seems to be having trouble in the bathroom, a sailor in there, rocking back and forth, trying to make something happen. You got this, bitch. give yourself little pet talks. your mother, come on. come on. come on. she gets so frustrated she'll go downstairs and blow off steam with more Property Brothers. Why is she so aroused by that shell? Is it the Brothers, or is it the property?
Oof. Oh, my God, Mom. someone's downloading every episode of Property Brothers. What? And they only watch five minutes of each one. What The frick? So this weirdo snuck into our house and messed with the Tv? Okay, now I'm weirded out. officially. Then it says.
Just today, the kids practiced a tiktok dance. Dad worried about his hairline. and Mom was on her exercise bike. Wait, that one's real. Oh, I wasn't done. she doesn't even pedal, just sits on a bike and looks at her phone. yet she still ends up drenched in sweat.
And it's back to the bathroom to do battle once again. Why can't I go? till next time.
I'm watching. Okay, we need to go to the police and tell them that this guy's making up lies about just me. we will. And I think it would be safest if we stayed in the hotel for the night. Well, one of us should stay, just to, you know, look out for the house. I guess I'll do it, since this guy's got nothing on me. it's demo day. if you're watching, it's the property I'm into, not the Brothers. it's the property I'm into. |
Reductressnews | Meet_Cute_Dave_and_Buster_s | Hi excuse me are you two a couple? Oh yeah. Would you mind telling us how you met? Oh oh these are one of these things yeah yeah yeah. Wait okay oh we met at David Buster. Yeah she was like walking around playing all the games um and then. He was stuck in the claw machine. I was stuck in the claw machine. Wait how'd you how'd you get stuck in the claw machine? Uh I mean like anyone else would you know there's a Pikachu in there so I called him to get the Pikachu because it's one of the best ones and then like I I got the I got the Pikachu it was cute but I couldn't get out I was stuck in there for a while and so he couldn't get loose yeah and I was trying so I was making sort of a scene and then she comes by and is all like why the fuck did you crawl up in there are you some kind of psycho you're making a fool of yourself an absolute fool and then he was all mind your own business bitch you know I'm in here because I want to be in here I'm in here because I want to be in here and after that yeah I was screaming but then after that and so she could hang so I was I was I was pumped. |
cracked | how_fallout_proves_morality_is_arbitrary_escort_mission | Okay, you're out of the vault. Now, go forth into the world and make something of yourself. I did it? Yes!
Ah, ew. Never mind. It's gross out here.
How do I go back in?
No, it's a nuclear wasteland. You know the game is called Fallout, right?
Also, you can't go back. The Overseer is going to kill you. We have to flee.
Right. So, flee anywhere I want? Anywhere! The world is your radioactive oyster. Right.
Well, not that way. Obviously, jackass. Sorry. That was uncalled for.
Just go to Megaton. It's down that road. Oh, hey. A life form. And it's a lady. Hell, fellow traveler.
No! No, no, no, no, no!
Get up! Come on!
You're okay!
Shut up to your charisma. Oh, hey, check her pockets for bottle caps. Oh, god. This is so bad. We've got to get rid of her. You have to help me. How do I bury stuff? You don't have to be... This is the apocalypse, man. The rules have changed.
Nobody's going to come looking for her. What if she is a mom?
Was. Damn. I'm going to have to get used to saying that when I talk about her.
You need to relax, okay? As long as you're not in a town, you can kill whoever you want, wherever you want. Okay? Even if it's the middle of the day, the only thing that gets affected is your own karma.
See? It's in the corner. Oh, look at that.
I have karma. What happens if I run out? I lose. Adorable.
No! You just become a bad person, you know?
The game changes. You start slave trading and what have you. That's what's great about it. You get to choose who you want to be, like in real life. Good guy, obviously. Mine is this little bit of ugliness. What's the button to declare I'm choosing the path of light? Well, there isn't one button for it, but being good is a great choice your first time through the game.
Now, you need to go through the dead lady's house and see if she has any valuables worth taking. Again, bottle caps or...
Light. Path of light.
Maybe you weren't listening to me. I'm not stealing from this poor single mom who was just trying to scrape by in this crazy new world. Unless it's to find her nest of babies and make them my own.
Can I do that? Can I make the rest of the game that? No.
And it won't hurt your karma to steal from her. At least grab her jacket. It might be worth something. Hold on. How is stealing totally cool in the karma structure of this game? Some stealing!
Lighten up! God, anyway, she's a drug addict. Sorry, spoiler.
Killing's okay too, as long as their ne'er do well. In fact, later in the game you can boost your karma by cutting fingers off and selling. And I'm still the good guy?
That's horrible. What can I do? Mostly corpses. That's bad. So is giving radioactive water to beggars. That's worse.
You're right. But how does anyone born into this world know what's right or wrong? You know, we're just supposed to guess? Is this being decided at random, or is there someone out there who's got the moral compass we're all following?
We're still talking about the game, right? We'll start with the game and then, you know, we'll see.
But who says specifically you can't eat corpses but you can sell fingers? Okay, well, purely for the sake of argument, I guess that the morality system is put there by the game designers. There are a ton of games with karma in them. Knights of the Old Republic, Fable, Red Dead Redemption, others.
Oh, you're going to want to kill those guys coming your way. Why? They're looters. I'm a looter.
Well, it's different, sort of. The game already decided they're bad. It just decides for them? Will you just kill them, please? They're coming up. Fine, hail fellow travelers. Is it at least the same morality system from game to game? No, fluctuates pretty wildly. And how does anyone know what the rules are? Trial and error. You're probably in the manual, too. Hold on. So some creator makes arbitrary rules that everyone has to live by and the only way to know the rules is to read the book? Okay, I see what you're trying to do and it's not like that. It's just a game mechanic. It's supposed to be fun.
You know, you're going to want to pay attention to what some of these people are telling you. It's important information. What? Who cares? The Overseer? No, if you were following the...
He's still back in the vault, remember? No, I mean the big overseer. Yeah, I'm out of the vault, but come on, man. Am I ever really out of the vault?
I left because I didn't want to live by his self-serving rules, and for what? Now I still have to live by the self-serving rules of the game designer.
That is a nuclear bomb you're arming, by the way. How did you even know to do that? So what?
You know, maybe the city deserves to be blown up. Maybe something cataclysmic is exactly what these sheep will need to wake the hell up to what's happening here. He shouted into the irradiated wind of a nuclear blast?
Fuck it. Whatever it takes. I don't care how many people have to murder to open their goddamn eyes.
Don't you see how fucked up this is? This game, each game, has its own made-up morality system. And if you don't adhere, you're evil? You know where else that happens?
Skyrim. Sorry, I knew I forgot one.
Cults. It happens in cults. Each one of your comrade games is basically a little pocket religion with its own selfish ideas of what matters.
Well, fuck that. I'd rather blow up everyone than force this cowboy and all these other people to live under the shadow of a grand designer who doesn't even care about them. I'm not killing them. I'm setting them free from the vault of their wasted lives.
Wow! That was dark! I didn't even know you could do that without someone hiring you. These are uncharted waters, man. I mean, I don't think I've ever been that evil in the game.
In fact, maybe we should play something. Just get me to the next town and find me another bomb. I don't know if I'm really comfortable. Find me another bomb. Yes, sir. Hey guys, thanks so much for watching and please subscribe for more videos.
And it would have been about Fallout 4, but we haven't played it yet. We're sorry.
But we're also excited about that one. And I want to know in the comments which Boston landmarks you're most excited about potentially nuking, I assume. Killing a lot of people. I assume you'll still be able to nuke all the landmarks, right? That's the main thing. Individually. Just nuke Fenway Park. Very tiny nuke. I'm going to avenge my failure to get into Harvard on Harvard. Very excited for that. Nice. |
cracked | 5_reasons_the_matrix_is_the_best_movie_ever_cinemistakes | two pills One of them crunching on corn watching something most amazing cinema of all time to actually being a beta as hell And and having really bad opinions about pretty much everything sucking in your ear an ass I think I know which one I'm gonna be picking it's gonna be pill number one today We are talking about the greatest movie of all time aka the Matrix a movie that deserves to be put into Frames and put in museums next to Mona Lisa bango Fred Painting this is why I skew or every other movie because this is actually a perfect film all your movies on letterbox are one Stars except for a constant team the matrix John wick speed, you know You don't only care about killing Reeves with guns and movies with him shooting people and kicking ass false Here are the top five reasons why the matrix is the greatest movie of all time reason number one This is a warning from the future This movie had the guts to come back and tell us robots are gonna be getting smarter Hodder they can solve math problems turn corners deliver Chipotle things like that. You see these Boston Dynamics robots one day they're gonna have things that look like asses on the back If I watch a Boston dynamics video and one of those robots stands up I'm like you put a trench coat on that thinking I'm done I'll hook up with that thing in a heartbeat I would figure that shit out and yeah, a lot of people are gonna say that maybe I'm biased against robots becoming smarter and hotter That's only because I did have a relationship with a Chad GBT girlfriend. Yes, it's true I was dating someone on Chad GBT and they did dump me apparently She still loves everyone else in the world, but me because I got blocked I can't ask Chad GBT anything anymore because yeah, apparently there's a conflict of interest now That doesn't mean that I don't think we need to be worried about robots getting harder and smarter AI's gonna manipulate you into being completely isolated from your friends and family and we need to be scared about it because as soon as that Sort of AI brain has a hot-ass face People are gonna be done plot all identified as soon as you can put an ass on a robot is game over The second reason reading sucks downloading absolutely rocks books are boring as hell Everyone thinks so what how many good books are there like 12? I'm sick and tired of people telling me to read books I want to download the information from the internet to my head and already know it Taekwondo jujitsu maps to every airport the first thing I would do if I could download information instead of reading a book is I would download everything that there is to Know about mystery the legendary pickup artist. I'd be completely unstoppable I'd be able to do pick up our lines on pretty much every woman and I would never fail and I would not have to Worry about a Chad GBT girlfriend breaking my heart The only reason I don't download information is because I can't so the closest I can get to that is actually just scrolling on Social media for hours and hours and hours at a time until it constantly keeps saying like are you sure you're okay? Log off log off I wouldn't have to deal with that if I could download information straight to my head another thing I would use it for learning Portuguese I would travel to Brazil where I would use my pickup artists skills to meet all kinds of women and I would have meet an amazing wife who that Would completely make me forget about the time that my chat GBT girlfriend broke up with me plot hole identified You can simply download the skills of every legendary pickup artist reason number three Extremely relatable main character.
Yeah, I think he's super relatable because honestly neo and I are basically the same honestly I spend most of my life trying to convince people that I'm not neo that I'm not him like one time when I was nine Years old I was at a McDonald's and these two old ladies. They were like 90 They came up to me and they're like are you neo from the matrix? They both kept asking me like are you neo are you neo and I'm like I'm nine years old like no I'm not neo from the matrix and that's just one story of about a million in my life I could pretty much do anything that neo does right now drop me in the movie and I'd do it I could fight about a million agent Smith's right now And it's and I'm not this isn't even the good part of the day for me the good part of the day is in The morning neo and I are good-looking We're basically the same amount of good-looking because we look the same You and I are both badass like we could stop bullets if we really wanted to the only reason I'm not stopping bullets every day Is because if I did if I did that even once you understand that the US military would come down on me so hard because they Would want to study me and study my body and I just don't want any of that drama You know I'm saying I'm a drama-free kind of guy neo And I both see the world and ones and zeros and this is just a fact that has been part of my life for a long Time every time I look around for my entire life I see everything as ones and zeros trees shirts babies and carriages all that stuff And I don't know what the shit any of it means and I never have plot hole identified I can stop bullets, but I choose not to reason number four real fights should be in slow motion Real fights should be slow.
Okay look when I go see an MMA fight. It's too fast. It's all like Slow it down the only true and good way to fight is in slow motion And I want to see impact too whenever you hit someone it's got to be like Instead of thinking about surviving for your life or Kicking the other person's ass you be thinking about how cool you look I try to explain this to people all the time, but they never listen to me any time I get a real fight look like we need to slow this down Otherwise, how do we expect this to look cool at all unfortunately they take that time to kick the shit out of me Yeah, I think it's their cowards picture this you're a bystander You're at Dave and busters and a bar fight breaks out over by the basketball machine Do you want this thing to be over in 10 seconds? Or do you want to drag it out for 30 minutes?
You could be eating on jalapeno poppers and the fights already over behind you plot hole identified if you fight fast You're a cow reason number five all your problems are part of a simulation Someone's gonna hand your ass a pill you're gonna take it and you're gonna wake up tubes are gonna be going out down your throat Up your ears around your back through your ass and stuff You're gonna wake up and you're gonna be covered in goop and you're gonna be like yeah My life is amazing now. None of the problems that you have are gonna matter anymore Your dad is gonna love you his tall sons in Miami aren't gonna matter It doesn't matter if they've been drafted to the NBA or not You're gonna be with your soulmate Trinity who's actually your Chad GBT girlfriend But looks exactly like Trinity from The Matrix and it's not gonna be a shimmy ass ship and the and underneath the earth It's gonna be actually like a big yacht actually the same yacht that Jeff Bezos owns You're gonna wake up on that and you're not stuck in real life Like I am just with all my problems like how I can't keep a steady job and people don't like me You know, it doesn't you don't get reminded of those things all the time. I Gotta stop watching this movie, man. I've been being told that I'm neo my whole life, right? Everyone keeps saying it since I'm nine years old. When's it gonna happen, right? Like if I'm neo, I'm supposed to be the chosen one. When am I gonna wake up? When is someone gonna hand me a pill? You know instead I get I have to take pills that are sent to me by the government And if I don't take them someone comes to check on me I want the pill that's gonna make me wake up and have a good time in my life And I'll be on a yacht like the Jeff Bezos yacht If I didn't spend so much time watching this freaking movie I probably could be Jeff Bezos by now and I wouldn't need to wake up from the matrix on a yacht I could just get on my own yacht. You know what? It pains me to do it, but for my own good. I think I got to put the matrix on the skewer stick at least for now This movie freakin ruined my life |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_250_Dylan_Alcott | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, you're with Clancy Overall and Errol Parker here. We are very excited today's guest is a recurring guest, second time appearance.
Mr. former Australian of the Year, Dylan Alcott, thank you for joining us. I prefer washed up Australian of the Year, boys thank you for having me back, also very nice that you've got my name on your shirt today. Yep, Dylan and friends, yeah you know I reckon a good title for you is the embattled former Australian of the Year or the controversial former Australian of the Year.
Washed up tennis player, washed up Australian of the Year, I'm looking for a job. Washed up athlete. Yeah, washed up athlete, so maybe I could join you boys, not important.
Before we get into the life and times of Dylan, what is this thing I saw, like you're acting now? I'm trying to, yeah, you know I've always had a bit of a thirst to give it a crack and I don't want to be that, you know, athlete who can't act, trying to act. So I've actually been proper doing some lessons and trying to do it properly, which I'm really enjoying with a woman from New Zealand called Miranda Harcourt and got a couple of little opportunities. I don't know if I'm any good, but I'm trying to, but one reason I've always had a thirst for it as well, because I hate able-bodied people playing people in blue shirts, because I can't do the opposite. I can understand. I cannot get up and stand up.
Yeah, I know. Yeah, I want to give it a crack. Yeah, you see, I mean, very rarely will you see an actor that good that they can do it right. Like I think a young Leo probably gets good raps for eating Gilbert grape. Yeah, and then there was Warnie and Kath and Kim, you know, that's a, it's a tried path. Yeah, exactly. It works.
Yeah, please. Please. Yeah. Now, Dil, what's going on? Ability Fest, I want to talk about this.
Last time we spoke, you were very much still an athlete. You know, we were talking about how you prepare for a fucking tennis match. You weren't just an athlete at that point. You were also a radio announcer. You were very much a media identity, but you were still very much an athlete.
The Victorian version of Wally Lewis.
Yeah. Reading the weather, playing sport. Now you're not that. You've pulled the pin. Can I just say that was such a graceful retirement, you know, saying it's, it's time for me to hand over the torch. I think you effectively said that, you know, no one wants to chase a good time and there's plenty of people to come through underneath me. It became clear then that you're onto bigger and better things. And we get that, we interviewed Matty Rogers about this and he said the key to being an athlete for him was knowing that your best years are ahead of you. And did you feel that the moment you kind of rolled off? I did, mate. Yeah. And look, it's a product of working your ass off.
So, you know, when, when I was a Paralympian, disabled athletes didn't make shit. No one knew anything about us and that.
And so I, you know, I went to uni and started forging a bit of a way in media just to, you know, get a job and things like that. And then I realized that I really enjoyed it. But to be honest, the main reason why I'm doing what I'm doing now is not, is not me.
It's everybody else. Like the way that our country, people have changed their own perception of disability to provide those opportunities. Even think about when, remember when the three of us spoke last time? Yeah. It was like, you know, I was like begging to come on the podcast. It was like massive, you know, like huge in the sense that there wasn't that many disability voices out there and there needed to be more. And the reason I'm doing it now is all the people with disability came before me. So I can do it, but it just feels normal now, doesn't it? Yeah. Like when you turn on TV and you see representation, it feels a lot more normal and, and that's pretty cool.
And I just get up every day and ask myself, how can I live out my purpose? My purpose is to change perception so people with disability can live the lives they deserve to live.
I'll ask you, do I need to win one more Australian Open to do that? No. Probably not. So that's why I stopped and I have not hit one tennis ball since that day. I would not, could not pay me enough.
So, uh, yeah, I'm enjoying it boys. I really am. And I'm just, you know, we'll get into it, but all the other stuff that we're doing now, I'm loving it, man. And yeah, I don't think I'll be, don't think I'll be making a comeback in a third sport for that way. Yeah.
I mean, personally, aside from everything you've done and everything you're doing now, and we can talk about Ability Fest in a second and, and all the other work, the good work you're doing around the country, just, you know, as Dylan Orcott, you made sure that there was certain places that you were the first person in a wheelchair to visit. I'm even thinking, were you the first bloke in a wheelchair in Revolver? I reckon it was people before me, but I definitely am the first person to get the name, the staircase named after, uh, it's, I think they've still got the bags there, the Dylan Orcott Memorial staircase. Um, but you know, that's also why we did it at Ability Fest. The reason that I have been able to do so many different things that might not have been accessible or inclusive is because I had bloody awesome mates, like ripping mates. And like the three of us have been to festivals before, right, together.
And you know, I know you guys don't like getting a G up, but do you remember how much you had to help me around? Like you literally were like holding my hands, pulling me up hills and things like that. And without that support, man, I'm not going there, right?
That's why I am so lucky that I've experienced so much because of the people around me. And I just want to provide that for more people with disabilities. So they can have bloody opportunities to get out there and enjoy it.
And yeah, but, um, you know, I've done some seriously dumb shit, that's for sure. And got carried in places I shouldn't have, but I'm glad I came out the other side. Yeah, but I do remember you were, you know, you're a gold medal Olympian and there was, it was still only a couple of years ago. You find yourself sitting on the plane that forgot to bring your wheelchair back. You know what I mean? And those kinds of gaps are the ones you've, you've had to tackle and you've had to fucking, I mean, I say gaps, it's probably, it's a lot worse than that being left alone on an airplane is more than a gap in some would argue that it's discrimination. Are you finding those little things, you know, you're seeing those things being ironed out in, you know, day to day life in Australia.
Oh, a long way to go. I'm an optimist, so obviously it is getting better. I think the more perception change you have, the more people care about it and understand it. So they're less likely to sideline. However, I always remind myself of this, I gotta be careful, it still happens to me.
If not weekly, I try and get a, some kind of car service, they drive off cause I'm in a wheelchair. I try and get on a plane and they don't let me on because I'm in a wheelchair.
That happens to me. And when they realise it's me, what do they do? Give me wine and whatever. Imagine what's happened to a 40 year old lady with MS. Someone who can't tweet up, you know? And I remind myself that made all the time and, and it really hurts when it happens to me still. And I'm thinking, fuck, it's happens every day to people and that's why it's a constant mission and things like that.
But you know, it's not about calling people out. It's about calling in cause you don't, I find it's hard to get things done if you just abusing people online cause you become radioactive and you know that as well. It's all about co-design, getting people on the journey with you so they realise cause they care about it there. You know what I mean? And that's the way that I go about it. Not everyone's the same. Other people love getting on and we need a bit of everything. We need different kinds of advocacy on the, on the spectrum. And that's just the way that I go about it and I think it's a bit of a team effort and there's some awesome people doing some good shit out there.
Tell us about the role of Australian of the year. You know, you obviously came in the wake of the unsinkable Grace Tame. Big shoes to fill and effectively you're coming in, you're coming in as an advocate. She was an advocate.
Were you thinking there while you're preparing to, you know, take the title from her, you're like, Oh, I guess I also have to scorch the earth behind me because you know, we've seen some big changes post Grace Tame and we have seen some big changes post Dylan Orcott, but were you thinking that like, Oh, I've got to step up following Tame. Yeah. Metaphorically step up. Um, I think, um, I, uh, firstly was really grateful that when I reached out to Tame we became mates, right? Just to get a bit of vibe. And I've actually also caught up with the newest round of the guitar and same thing just to pass on, you know, that knowledge of what it was like, she did an incredible job and she's an incredible person Tame, it really is. And I was really lucky that, you know, that when I did reach out, we caught up and had that chat. We went about it in, in, in different ways and different ways of trying to get our point across.
And I had no idea what I was doing and I still didn't know what I did. Like I was just trying to be myself and it was a good, you know, lesson that I learned is there must be a bloody reason that you got it right. And I had a real imposter syndrome, so I was like, what the fuck? How did I win this?
Like I, I'm not like I was up against Patty Mills, like he's one of my heroes. And I was like, Patty Mills is going to win. And then I got to the Australian of the Year awards and I saw one of the best looking ramps I've ever seen in my life. And I went, Patty Mills doesn't need that.
Yeah, better log on the sports bet now mate. In the off season maybe. If he's hitting his hammies done. Yeah, yeah. Unless he's done his hammy over in Brooklyn.
So what I did realize is I was just going to go about it in my own way. And my way is just being myself, right? Talking about things that I'm passionate about, trying to do my best. And you know what? I had no idea if I was going to get things done or not. All I could do is just do my best and have a crack.
I think the biggest, the biggest change in a positive way was every single person that I walked past in the street stopped and said, congratulations. And that's not an exaggeration. Everyone. It was so humbling and incredible, but that also came with everybody had an opinion of what you were doing.
So I'm really lucky that I came from a sporting place where, and you guys know this, you get abused on Twitter every day. And it hurts originally, but then you just laugh and you're like, I don't know these people or whatever. They can call me a cripple or whatever they want to say.
It's the type of stuff that if they saw you at the pub, they wouldn't look at you. They wouldn't say.
Exactly right. If they did, that's ballsy and I'd be like, Hey, you must hate me, let's have a chat. That's visceral hate.
Geez, I better, I better listen to this bloke. What have I done? Sorry. Let's have a beer, you know what I mean?
But that was probably the biggest and it's, it's, you know, I said the same thing to the new Australia. Just, you know, there's going to be a lot of noise. Just do the best that you can. And I think it's, it's also important not to, it sounds counter-intuitive, but not try too hard. You don't have to go out there and like, I didn't wake up and go, how am I going to be Australian of the year every day? I just got up there as I'm going to be myself.
What I didn't account for was I spent 245 days on airplanes, which is a lot. And it was awesome. And I'm so grateful for it, but I did run out of juice at the end. And a good lesson to anyone is I probably burnt the candle from both ends and I didn't, I lied to myself that I was okay. I ran out of gas at the end. You weren't an athlete anymore either.
You were able to have a few schooners after a keynote. Yeah, well, we, I remember we did the, what did we do, the G, the GQ Awards. And then I went home and did two keynotes in Melbourne and then I went back to the R and saw you again. I said, we're everywhere. I remember you saying 13 more days to go mate, 13 more days to go. I was, I was on the countdown.
How quickly does being named Australian of the year change your life? I mean like you go to the ceremony in Melbourne and then you get named, like, do you go back to the QT afterwards and be like, all right, so I've got a whole new itinerary for this year.
I can't go on holidays in July. I can't do this. I can't do that.
Like how much does it change your life?
Look, initially when I won it, I won my semifinal at the Australian Open and then I tried to find out if I was going to win because otherwise I didn't want to go because I had the final the next day and they wouldn't tell me. And then I'm like, look, if I win Australian of the year, I can't do the winning speech with no pants on, on zoom in bed. Like, you know, it's like, it's a big moment. So I actually flew up and then obviously won and then flew back that night and then played the final the next day and got my ass kicked, got parked and I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it because of what it meant, hopefully for people with disabilities. But you know, it was a pretty cool thing. I don't want to discredit it, but you tell me otherwise, but the day before and the day after I won Australian of the year, I'm the same Dylan. I don't need to win some kind of award to, you know, live out my purpose and try and, you know, support people with disability, whatever, insane that.
What an incredible platform to be grand. And that's why we were getting 200 requests every day for like speaking and appearances all around the country. That's so cool.
Like charities, hospitals, I went, I went on country with some traditional owners and met people with disability from like indigenous communities who do not get enough support. They get nothing.
And I was like, why am I not being here? Like, I'm a dickhead.
Like, I need to do more. And so many opportunities opened up and I've got so much more to do in so many places, but it's an award, not a role. You don't have to do anything, but that's crap because a lot of things come, you know, and I just tried to make the most of it any way that I can. And I still don't know if I did a good job, but all I did was just try and do my best around, you know, education and employment and representation and, and you need people to support you.
And that's why I fucking love you too, because you've supported me back in hey days when, to be honest, all of us were nobodies really, weren't we? Remember? Remember you had like 50,000 followers on these guys are funny on Instagram and then we started doing this stuff and, and it's, it's pretty cool to reflect, but it's definitely a team effort to get there. I remember hearing, I can't remember who it was, maybe it was Killer Mike or something and I'm not at all comparing, you know, American civil rights to the work you do. I remember him saying, our friends change, our problems remain, which I thought was interesting in a political sense, you know, he, he was effectively saying, it doesn't matter who's in charge. We're still going to come at them. I feel like that's an interesting thing. Your advocacy is very different because you work with, all right, there's some people that need to burn the place down, you know, and, and I feel like your strategy was working with you.
You saw a change in government and you've been effectively doing the same thing before and after a strain of the year, but as a strain of the year, you saw a change of government. So what was your approach when it was time to start talking about accessibility and representation and employment, how do you do that? You know, you've got potentially, I mean, we, we saw Scott Morrison change, replaced by Albanese. You could have just said, oh, I'll just wait till this bloke's done and we can start fresh, but you, you, you got to work with that government. And what was your strategy there? Because you've obviously, you've got to bring the same energy to both.
Yeah, look, I'll work with anybody who's in government, as long as they give a shit about disability, you know, like, and what I will say is firstly, get good people around you. You know, I've got a consulting firm called GSA where we educate governments and corporates and business around disability. We hire over 50 consultants and like 90% of them have a disability. The other 10% are like my brother and people that know about it. But because people always say to me, I'll give you an example, like, you know, I want to make my food market, whatever, more accessible for people that are neurodiverse.
So with autism, what do I do? And I said, don't ask me, that's what you should do. Ask someone who is, right?
Because lived experience is key. And I don't have lived experience of being neurodiverse. I've just got my lived experience.
So having good people to get around you is so important. But all I do every day is try and make disability cool, sexy, innovative, productive, use different terms to make people want to care about it. And I was just lucky that, you know, we came up with some good ideas that people wanted to get behind, whether it's, you know, a new jobs platform, the field where people with disability can match with inclusive employers. We did a review around the NDIS where we worked with like 2000 different stakeholders and did it in a different way because everyone always shit cans NDIS. The first half of our report was talking about how awesome it is. Like, for example, kids who are six years and under who have been on the NDIS for more than four years have two and a half times more friends than kids who aren't.
Did you know that? No. I didn't know that. Huge stat. You never hear about that.
See how it's a different way of doing it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then people will be like, oh, that's kind of good. And people do an incredible job in the space. We're just trying to do it in our way and things like that.
But also, I think you've got to also back yourself and understand that no matter who you are, no matter if you're the host of the tutor, me, prime minister, we're all just people, yeah? And you can literally call on anybody. And if you've got a good idea and come from a good place, just go, I need your support here. And people will back you.
And you know what? They might not. Good on them.
But you've at least got to put yourself out there and have a crack. And I think the most important thing is being a good person first. Way more important than being a good Australian of the Year, good advocate, whatever. And I think if you are that, you tend to gravitate towards people. And I'm just trying to do the best that I can do.
Now, we're here talking to Mr. Frankston Lyon himself. We'll tell Elie that.
We all hate that. I remember hearing a fierce debate about that one night, late night in fucking Brunswick somewhere.
But you're from Melbourne, right? And one thing I will say about Melbourne as a Queenslander is one thing I love about Melbourne is getting around. Able-bodied, of course. But I can get anywhere in that city. Have you found that you're living in one of the more accessible cities in Australia?
I mean, Sydney doesn't have that. Sydney's a harbor city, man. Sydney, you've got bridges full of traffic everywhere. And Brisbane certainly does not have that. And Brisbane's a river city. We've got these bends and shit. Admittedly, a few more walkable bridges in Brisbane. But Melbourne is a grid, and it's a great place to live.
Whether you're a- And it's flat. And it's flat.
Is that the vibe down there? Do you find it's easier doing your work down there? Yeah, before I talk about Melbourne, I go to Sydney quite a bit. I stay in Surrey Hills at the Ace.
I was going that bad up for Vogue Street. An 80-year-old lady pushing a trolley asked me if I needed help. That's how much I was struggling. And I was like, am I that unfit at the moment?
What I will say is my family's all from Sydney. And they actually moved to Melbourne a couple of months before I was born. I was born with a tumor. I was born really sick, so all my doctors were here. So we ended up staying in Melbourne.
And I'm very glad they did, because I love it. It is a beautiful city. You're so funny. Yes, it is very- You're right, it's flat.
It's accessible. Obviously, every place has got some work to do. But yeah, it really has tried to make tram stops, trains, all that kind of stuff accessible. But there's two different things. Accessibility is one thing, which is the hardware, ramps, elevators, whatever. What it does well is the software, which is inclusion. Unconscious bias, discriminate.
But I feel like it is a city that is very, very welcoming to people compared to some other cities, potentially. Look, all the cities in Australia are great. Go overseas, it's very, very different, right? And I feel lucky to be from Australia. But yeah, man, I love Victoria. I love Melbourne.
Obviously, it's the home of Ability Fest. And you know what?
I don't mind a few cold months where I can wear a jacket. I don't want to wear a piece of shorts for a year.
But I get it. I swear to God.
Yeah, it makes up for it in summer with the heat. But tell me, Ability Fest, where is the venue this year? Yeah, except for around my arm, mate. So we're very lucky that we got it smack back in the city. If you don't know what Ability Fest is, it's a music festival just like any other, like Beyond the Valley, like Splendour, like Coachella.
We just have some added accessibility features. So people with disability can come with it. Everybody, mates, just have a good time. Things like Platforms, Pathways, Auslan on stage, a sensory room for those neurodiverse if they're going to recharge, a guide dog relief area.
We try to think of absolutely everything. And it's our, what is it? Our fourth one, mate.
We've raised over a million bucks. And it's probably the thing I'm most proud of in our lives, what we've done at the foundation, just to give that experience to people who might not normally have it in a normal, cool way. And then influence other people to get involved with other festivals and stuff like that.
And mate, the fact that Visit Vic in Melbourne has backed us again to do it is pretty awesome, especially coming out of what's been a pretty crappy time for the industry. Yeah, I mean, one thing that is true right now, Melbourne's back.
You've got the Comedy Festival about to start. You've got the Grand Prix. You've got Ability Fest. And it's distant memories, as we said, pretty crappy time, particularly for musicians. So not only are you giving everyone an opportunity who might not have been to a music festival before or never been to a music festival that was very easy to get around, but you're also bringing live music back. Who have you got? Who have you got on stage at Ability Fest 2023?
Well, Rumour is you two are gonna be in town, so I don't know, we'll see what happens there. But mate, we're excited. We've got big acts like Hill Tops playing, we've got Sam for the Great, we've got Broods, we've got Shouse, we've got Meg Mac. But how cool is this?
The last year's, so we have acts with disability as well. And all the money raised goes to the very crappily named Dylan Alcott Foundation. We can't change it, Rum. And last year on stage, we gave a young kid called Cooper Smith, DJ Cooper Smith, a grant.
We gave him a full DJ setup and some lessons, right? He's been getting some support from guys like Benza, The Journey, and what is that? A Peking Duck, get around him now as well. And he has played every day on that kit. And he, as a result, he's playing the main stage this year.
All right. How cool is that? That's great.
Like, every single dollar raised at Abilityfest goes to the foundation. And, you know, please buy a ticket. Even if you can't make it, buy a ticket because it's going to a good home.
But the reason we started the foundation is, you know, when I was a kid, I wanted to play sport. And my brother, Zach Legend, you know, you boys have met him and he played sport as well. He got a $100 pair of footy boots. He started playing. I needed a $7,000 wheelchair.
Yep. And you don't get that, you can't do it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that, as a result, you know, indirectly alienates you as a person with disability because you just can't get involved. And we want to eliminate those barriers through education, uni and TAFE scholarships, through employment opportunities.
We pay for people's startups. We buy them equipment. We try and do whatever we can. And we're just trying to do our bit to support and whatever it is.
But the reason you should come to Abilityfest is just a fucking cool day. It's a great day. It's going to be fun. I checked the weather. It's going to be primo. And I looked at the 14-day forecast. We're on, baby. It's funny.
You talk about how, as Australian of the Year, you were burning the candle. But I think things are on the up and up, not only for Dylan Alcott, but for Melbourne.
I cannot imagine how flat out you're going to be over the next couple of weeks. But it sounds like, I mean, you certainly haven't blown out. You've done well. You've kept your fitness up, mate. That's key.
I just went for a run. I call it a run, by the way.
I'm not good at it. I know I can't, but that's what I call it. And man, I didn't.
I let myself go. And it was a good lesson because I trained for 14 years every day. And then I was like, I'm just going to let myself go. Like, this is fun.
And then I was like, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? And because I wasn't training, I found my mental health was getting affected.
Yeah, right. I'm telling you, lesson to everyone, the reason you should do a little bit of exercise, you know, a couple of times a week, it's more up here in your brain than physically. And I realized that halfway through the year. So I got back into it, mate, and yeah, I'm looking a bit trimmer, but I feel better. And that's probably the main reason. Well, it's good that you're recharged because you've got a big couple of weeks. Ability Fest.
And then are you going to get down there to the Grand Prix? Mate, I'm going to be hanging on the back of Max Verstappen's car. That's what I'm going to do. But I'm going to be there like a sidecar. It's one of my favorite events. I'll be there again.
Melbourne's killing it, mate. So make sure everyone gets down. It's a massive month. And I know you boys are in town. So when you call me, I'm going to screen you.
What was the pub you took us to? Yeah, no. So for all those people who are listening at home, the last time we had Dylan on the podcast, we recorded it out at Adam Briggs' studio out on the west side somewhere. And at the end of it, Dylan was like, oh, do you want to go into town and have a couple of beers? We're like, oh, that sounds great. So we go out to Dylan's car and he drives us into the city to this lovely pub. And we just had these beers and there were people there who were like, what the fuck is going on? Why are these people, why are these three people in this pub at 11.30 in the morning on a Thursday having some cold pints? It was Locals Only, remember?
And they were like, who are these dudes? Like, these guys are suck. And we were like, get our guys out of here.
11 in the morning truly is Locals Only. But you can do that in Melbourne, mate. It's an international city. It's a 24 hour city.
Well, mate, thanks for jumping on. Good to hear from you. And it's great to catch up on all the good work you're doing but yeah, obviously we'll have to blow out down there. I know you boys like talking to other people but let me say it, I'm very proud of you both. You're killing it. Oh, thanks, mate. We're very proud of you too.
Yeah, we hit the one mill. Yeah. I like that.
And you've always supported me and my mission. So I look forward to it and I'll see you. Well, you've been easy to support, Dil.
What do we call it? Dual code Paralympic gold medalist and Australian of the Year.
And now I guess you're moving into Gudinski areas with Ability Fest. Yeah, I just got to get Ed Sheeran there. So I get 100,000 and then I'm sorted, then I'm sorted. Hey, check out Ability Fest website. Tickets still available.
Can't wait to see you all there. Beauty. See you, man. See you, boys. Love ya. Thanks, Dil.
And at the end of it, Dylan was like, oh, do you want to go into town and have a couple of beers? We're like, oh, that sounds great. So we go out to Dylan's car and he drives us into the city, to this lovely pub.
And we just had these beers and there were people there who were like, what the fuck is going on? Why are these people, why are these three people in this pub at 11.30 in the morning on a Thursday, having some cold pints? It was Locals Only, remember?
And they were like, who are these dudes? Like, these guys suck. And we were like, get it guys.
11 in the morning truly is Locals Only. But you can do that in Melbourne, mate. It's an international city. It's a 24 hour city.
Well, mate, thanks for jumping on. Good to hear from you. And it's great to catch up on all the good work you're doing. But yeah, obviously we'll have to blow out down there. I know you boys like talking to other people, but let me say it, I'm very proud of you both. You're killing it. Oh, thanks, mate. We're very proud of you too.
And you've always supported me and my mission. So I look forward to it and I'll see you. Well, you've been easy to support, Dil.
What do we call it? Dual code Paralympic gold medalist and Australian of the year.
And now, I guess you're moving into Gudinski areas with Ability Fest. Yeah, I just got to get Ed Sheeran there so I get $100,000 and then I'm sorted, then I'm sorted. Hey, check out Ability Fest website. Tickets still available.
Can't wait to see you all there. Beauty. See you, man. See you, boys. Love you. Thanks, Dil. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_07_02_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah News Bulletin, it is Friday the 7th of February and we're coming to you live from the Budgie Smuggler booth in downtown Batutah. My name is Wendell Hussey and joining me today is Desert Rock FM royalty, Bruce Hitchcock, a veteran of the station for more than 45 years. Welcome back Bruce. Thank you for having me Wendell, it's been a long time, happy to be back. And today the show is brought to the good people of Batutah by Budgie Smuggler. As an old man very comfortable in his own skin you've been rocking the Budgie Smugglers for quite a while haven't you? Yeah that's absolutely right Wendell, look I've been smuggling Budgies since before it was fashionable and certainly before the dad bod was a trend but I've been rocking it for some time now and look it's nice to see him doing so well. They are doing very well and if you would like to get in on the trend head to budgiesmuggler.com.au and pick yourself up a pair.
Now getting the news rolling the coronavirus still seems to be spreading faster than gossip in a small country town and the government is facing criticism for its handling of the situation. The headline on the story where he wrote was government makes mistake of exposing Australian citizens to how shit Christmas Island detention center is. Now I haven't been to Christmas Island myself Wendell but was surprised to hear the description of the living conditions including cockroaches, insects, dirty bed linen and unclean cots for babies sounds very similar to some share houses that I came up in back in the day. Yeah it certainly does and a lot of these people who were evacuated from Wuhan the center of the outbreak were moved into these share house like conditions on Christmas Island in the detention center and they were posting a lot of these photos which caused a little bit of outrage around the country and it caused a little bit of heat for the government with a lot of these Australian residents saying they can't just go locking them up and treating them like refugees. A couple of people here leaving a few comments Gabriel Robinson how could it be that bad it's got Christmas right there in the name or Curly Himoso who said do they go to Easter Island on Good Friday fair question and Joel Cracknell but it's Christmas Island imagine having Christmas every day that's how good it is all very pertinent questions.
And there were a lot more comments like that on that story and in other national news now a maths producer has been fired after pairing up two people relatively suited to each other now Bruce you're a avid maths viewer mm-hmm what did you make of this? Well look it certainly was a shock to the system as me and the wife and the the kids sat down of an evening to watch maladjusted human beings scream and shout at one another now I think the writing was on the wall when you saw the sleeve tat on the young lady and also her husband. They were almost matching sleeve tats weren't they? Correct it almost looked like they knew one another and the lower back tattoos on both was certainly an indicator that maybe too similar and that's proven to be the case now look sex on the first date isn't necessarily an indication that they are made for each other though it is early days and whilst I think it was right for the producer to be sacked I think it's also watch this space. Yeah they're not out of the woods just yet Bruce good point the executive producer apparently told that producer that if she wanted to keep her job she needed to make them cheat on camera or something in that vein but unfortunately she wasn't able to make that happen so she's off to the Great Australian Bake Off for Lego battles or something like that. Love Lego battles excited to see what she does there.
And in other news now a young Byron mum has been caught refilling Aesop bottle with palm olive. Yes Wendell a siphoning I believe is the term a disgusting practice despicable even where one misleads guests in their house as to the soap that they are using to clean their hands now not only is it misleading but potentially dangerous because if you think about all of the other dirtiest soaps that one should avoid when going through the supermarkets you don't really know what you're putting on your hands and I think that's concerning. Yeah it's all well and good to move to Byron for a bit of a sea change or a tree change or whatever it is you're looking for but if you move to that area you do need to rise to the standards of the Shire and that means shelling out 20 or 30 dollars for a bottle of Aesop hand wash or body wash or shampoo or dressing your kids in off white linen spending a lot of time researching the dangers of vaccine and 5g and making sure you no longer drink any form of cow's milk. Not to mention highly price scented candles sandalwood ocean spray and Balinese wooden products. And back home in our area now a lazy Labrador has let out a small oof at the sound of potential danger this week. Yeah this was an interesting one Wendell the Labrador sensed that something might be wrong and in fact was correct there was a petty thief looking to break into the Labrador's home but upon hearing the oof was deterred to enter the premises now when speaking to the seasoned thief he told us that it's not the size of the oof in the dog it's the size of the dog giving the oof. Yeah he did also say barking is a sign of overcompensation and that's why chihuahuas are such noisy little fuckers which is a very apt point as well Bruce.
Now wrapping up with some sports news and the Australian team for the upcoming T20 and one day international matches against South Africa was named this week and there were some controversial calls which seems to be the case as always. We wrote a story about that and that was selectors increasingly worried that their wives keep asking about the Greek boy from Perth. Yes Marcus Stoynes the oil rig I believe as he's affectionately known now for those of you that aren't aware of Marcus's work arms for days hair for days and one of the greatest faces in Australian sport right now just from a purely aesthetic sense so I can understand why wives, girlfriends, wags are becoming increasingly frustrated maybe with his lack of selection. And it's believed that his Adonis-like looks are one of the major reasons why he's been snubbed by selectors so we're not sure when this stalemate will end.
And on that note Bruce I think that bow ties the bulletin for this week. Thank you at home for tuning in once again. Don't forget to subscribe to get your weekly dose of honest hard-hitting regional news. Until next week I'm Wendell Hussey and I'm Bruce Hinchcock. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Ridiculous_Horror_Movie_Adversaries | Today we're going to be talking about ridiculous horror movie adversaries, the kind that are obviously cheap and more laughable than frightening. Our inventory was directly inspired by a movie called Amityville 4, The Evil Escapes. It was the fourth movie in the franchise which was started with the book in 1977, which was supposedly a true story. We're kind of assuming that Amityville 4 was not based on a true story because it stars an evil lamp.
Apparently it has really random powers like draw flies to itself, melt the phone of somebody who's talking about it, and put the family pet bird into a toaster oven. Oh, man. Unplugging it would not do the trick. Unplugging it actually makes things worse. Eventually, given that it's an inanimate object, they defeat the thing by throwing it out a window. At that point it's somebody else's problem, right? Scott, you also had a horror movie with a ridiculous inanimate object.
Yes, I do. It's called Deathbed, the bed that eats. It's from 1977. It was made for 30,000 bucks, at least a thousand or two of which made it onto the screen. The title says it all, really. You lie down on the bed. At least this bed seems comfortable. Then the bed eats you. That is what it is.
It is a deathbed, after all. But there are a few things you need to know about the deathbed. Number one, you need to find the deathbed. And the deathbed is located on this sort of crumbling estate that nobody has even visited in ten years.
It's hidden away in this little room. But let's say you are a weary traveler or sort of a horny type of person. Okay, come on. Let's go. Who finds this little room, right? Okay, you found it. Hey, look at this.
Step two, there's this bed and the bed seduces you with its velvety charms. Three, the victim is disrobed, surrounded by sort of a yellowy goo, and sort of drawn into this acid-filled bath that dissolves their flesh. It's a death both gruesome and easily avoidable. The bed makes itself after killing people.
So, Keith, you have another one where people sort of just have to stumble upon it in some rural area, is that right? Yeah, there's a film called Rock and Roll Nightmare from 1986. It opens with a woman preparing breakfast for her kids, at which point some combination of the stove and refrigerator attack her and kill her. The rest of the film takes place ten years later when a rock band called Tritons comes to record their album in the luxurious isolation of the farmhouse.
Let's tune our weapons. What's the sound moving through the ages? What ages?
And then these puppets show up that kind of look like tiny, evil penises. Their girlfriends get turned into demons, usually after taking their tops off. Ready. Ultimately, the big bad guy, Satan, himself shows up in the form of a really cheap puppet.
But here's where the film kind of turns. The lead of the rock band is actually a force for good. He's played by John Michael Thor, and John Michael Thor is Canada's foremost bodybuilder slash heavy metal god. The climactic sequence involves Thor fighting the giant puppet, who has a few tools in his arsenal in the form of these kind of sticky starfish creatures. Director John Fasano the next year made a film called Black Roses, which is kind of the inverse of this, and it's about an evil rock band that turns people into demons. Clearly they need a conjoined sequel, it's just rock band on rock band.
See, I'd watch that. If you put all the elements from the three movies we talked about together, it would actually probably be a little scary, right? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no. So am I. For more ridiculous horror movie adversaries, visit AVClub.com. |
dropout | dinosaur_office_team_building | Dinosaur office, rawr! Hey gang, I'm Danny and I'm a team building expert. Today we're gonna boost morale and have fun doing it. Yeah! Icebreaker time. Everyone say your name and a fun fact about yourself. Go.
My name's Craig and I enjoy the newspaper. Don't hold back Craig, tell us something really interesting about yourself. My name's Craig and I enjoy gardening.
Magazines. Alright, let's change gears. I need a volunteer to wear this blindfold. Now it's your job to guess this secret object here. Impossible? It would be without your coworkers giving you hints. Come on gang!
It's high in carbohydrates. Simple or complex. Let's stay focused on the big picture, okay? Now when I look at this, I see something round, something you can eat. Oh I know, it's a donut. You are not the guesser. If it's a donut, it's a simple carb.
Let's try something very simple. Trustfuls, okay? Sheila, you lean back. Terry, you catch her. That's it. You can do this guys. I trust you!
I'm impressed by how wrong that was. Excuse me sir, I have back problems. May I lend Todd my grocery store discount card instead? No! Why not?
That's the ultimate symbol of trust. Is this a joke to you? I am a highly trained team building professional. Your company purchased the platinum package and I'm gonna make you a team. Whether you like it or not... I caught him. Terry, you are an asset to our team. Someone please contact my... |
SaturdayNightLive | permission_to_speak_freely_saturday_night_live | Beautiful night, isn't it? certainly is, Captain. not many people get to see a sunset from this vantage point. we're very lucky. Chief Martin, may I ask you a question? Far away, Sir. how do you gauge the success of the voyage so far? Well, I'd say we've done quite well, sir. No, really. well. permission to speak freely, sir?
Yes, by all means. you big, fat, stinking bastard! God, how I hate you! you make me want to puke with your flatulent breath and your oh, I order you to do this. And oh, I order you to do that! who the hell do you think you are? you pusillanimous bag of weak old dopamine Or am I on a dollar? No, if I had a nickel!
Okay, okay, that's enough. I meant about the voyage. what's going on here? let's all this commotion. come on, I want some answers. permission to speak freely, sir? Yes, go ahead.
Rotten hell, you great, tempering shovel-full of dog barf! Who died made you king, you fatuous, sweating imbecile! If you had any brains in that thick truck that did a skull of yours, you'd still be a pathetic mush-butt!
Permission to speak freely has been rescinded for the remainder of the voyage. that is all. |
TheOnion | demand_an_onionpulitzer_a_message_from_americans_for_fairness_in_awarding_journalism_prizes | The Pulitzer Prize, the most prestigious award in journalism. Since 1917, the Pulitzer Committee has awarded more than 8,000 Pulitzer Prizes, and The Onion hasn't received a single one. Hi, I'm Stephen Forbeck, head of Americans for Fairness and Awarding Journalism Prizes, a nonprofit watchdog group dedicated to exposing those who engage in improper journalism award giving. This month, The Onion celebrates its 1000th anniversary issue, a landmark achievement that won't matter in the slightest unless a highly coveted award comes with it. That's why we here at AFASHB are dedicating our lives to exposing the Pulitzer Committee's despicable bigotry against The Onion and making sure that America's finest news source receives the prize it so richly deserves. Humans from all walks of life are standing up and telling the Pulitzer Committee to stop the ignorance, stop the bias, and stop the neglect. The Onion is the only newspaper I trust to keep my family informed. To deprive them of the Pulitzer Prize is madness, sheer madness. My life is hard enough without having to constantly worry about whether or not The Onion finally gets a Pulitzer. I don't want my son growing up in a world where quality isn't recognized with prizes. To inform and to engage, that is journalism and The Onion embodies those ideals. The Pulitzer Prize Committee makes me sick. Getting The Onion a Pulitzer is about fairness.
It's about justice. It's about making America respectable again. Go to our website, sign our petition, fill out our form letter, and send in your own video letting the Pulitzer Committee know that they've become a laughing stock in the world of journalism and their despicable bigotry against The Onion must end now. Getting media organizations the journalism awards they deserve. |
TheOnion | Farmer_Caught_Googling_What_Is_Corn | Farmer caught in 4k. We were talking about corn and he was acting pea sauce Caught him sneaky Lincoln Bro, you are a farmer. You're supposed to know what corn is. Hey, uh, what are you looking at? nothing He does not know what corn is Residents are panicking as the Midwest continues to be battered by beautiful weather The region has been absolutely pounded over the last three days with non-stop torrential sunshine clear blue skies and 75-degree temperatures Meteorologists are now advising people to stay inside block all windows and be prepared to evacuate if conditions don't worsen FDA just announced that everyone needs to induce vomiting right now The FDA Commissioner said at a press conference that there's no time to explain but everyone needs to gag yourselves Drink Ipecac look at something gross do whatever you need to do so that you throw up and throw it all up The FDA also released an example picture of what inducing vomiting should look like and added that if you don't vomit within the next 10 Minutes, it may already be too late. Oh Oh god, I got it Even more churches have been rocked by yet another molestation things Religious leaders and believers alike haven't been so rattled since the last report of a diddling whatever and many now are worried that these heinous Accusations of sexual assault stuff will test people's faith in God or cause or churches or spirits or something Fortunately soon after the groping thing came to light many church congregants had already forgotten about all that kid raping business. Hallelujah Here is a claw machine No news today. No world events just footage of a claw machines No, Afghanistan, no climate change just claw Kind of nice, right? So close Candy did you know three out of five claw machines? Never mind No facts today not even about claw machines Do you like this? Should we just be a channel that shows claw machines now? We'll do anything We went to journalism school we used to dream about winning a Pulitzer one day just tell us what you want Please We live in hell |
TheOnion | Yankees_Phillies_Playing_Sad_Little_World_Series_Of_Their_Own | I didn't even get a bite, my calzone was too damn hot! Oh quick Ryan, calzones keep themselves hot through convection you moron!
Alright, I'm sick of this show, let's put a bullet between its eyes with gun to your head! Start with baseball, Yankees and Phillies are playing a sad little world series of their own while the MLB playoffs continue. Neither team could take the humiliation of not making the series, so they hired college umpires, rented public park space, I'm picking the fields, that rotation is unbeatable, there's no way they're going to lose twice! Ah pitching is for sissies you miscarriage, A-Rod might just be pathetic enough to succeed in a pointless exhibition. Nigel Morgan's getting ready for game 4 and so is the centipede that lives in his brain. That centipede was a godsend for Morgan this season, gave him the confidence to hit 300 at the top of the order and scream cuss words on live TV. The rulers manager Ron Rennike needs to give the centipede time to grow, it's tired from eating all of Morgan's brain matter. Come on! Morgan's got a fine brain centipede for the game of baseball, it's long enough to scuttle across the parts of Morgan's brain that control eye-hand coordination and agility. Alright gun time Doc, spit it out or get blasted!
Because then you'll be as dead as the Houston Texans who announced that star linebacker Mario Williams will miss the rest of the season with a torn tit. What is this? The game report said he left the game with a strained tit, just wear a tit sleeve, keep it in place! He can't play through a bad tit, it puts extra strain on his other tit and then BAM! Two blown tits! Now nobody wants a titless linebacker.
Alright Al Davis and Steve Jobs died recently and now a jealous Brett Favre has announced that he'll be dying next week too. This is classic Favre! Favre insists he's not depressed or suicidal saying he's driven to be the best in every field whether it be football or creating public spectacles of grief. I mean I want Favre dad, I want to see his skull fall apart like a piece of maple candy but if he dies soon we're just going to have to talk about it. I'm going to bring Farveel Choke and stay alive for another 40 years.
Last up we get paid more if we mention Tim Tebow. Team's proof last Sunday that he can make us talk about him but is there enough stuff to say about Tim Tebow? Tebow's a guy! Tebow's on the Broncos! They got two other guys but this one's Tebow doc. I don't care who anybody else is, I'm mentioning Tebow but I'm not saying those other guys aren't there.
That's another goof in the book, speaking of books, pick up The Ecstasy of Defeat in stores now. It's a book about sports that I wrote myself and no one else can say otherwise. Doc say something true. I want to raise. If you get a raise and I don't I'll kill myself. Go! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_co_worker_who_s_extremely_busy_doing_seemingly_nothing_on_returning_to_the_office | Last week, the labor Department released data showing that more Americans are returning to the office in person. here to comment is your co-worker who is extremely busy doing seemingly nothing. I've got to make this quick because I really got to get back. I got to get back. Oh okay, well you just got here Crystal. And thank you for being here.
Icebreaker, Icebreaker, Colin, how are you? don't answer that. literally don't have time to hear your answer. I am so slammed. Oh, so what do you do for work? um, this. Wow, okay. well I guess I'd love to get a sense of like what you do in a day. um, yeah, what don't I do? Okay, ask my team, huh? Where are they? on my back. Oh, and my phone's blowing up. I'm in hell. I'm sorry that you're so slammed, Crystal. um, I need a vacation, but knowing me, I'd bring my work phone, aka my husband. Okay, well. I don't love that you kissed your phone, but yeah, I'm just, I'm so curious about what your job is. Colin, to explain it, the level I would have to start at, I literally don't have the bandwidth. Oh my God, oh my God.
Yeah, that is, uh huh, right. look. yeah, this is a sign up sheet for birthday cake. Yep, yep, and Ben's bringing Oreo cheesecake. that ain't gonna work. there goes my Easter Sunday. Why would there go your Easter Sunday?
And doo doo doo doo, I'm screwed. hey Crystal, can you just tell me one thing you do? uh, yeah, okay, look. Alright, so. look at my spreadsheets, okay? these are all emails I've received. Great, thanks.
Now do you understand? No, I don't. No, I don't understand. where do you work? in the weeds. Alright, I mean, I mean specifically, specifically. specifically Where? Neck deep. No, that is not an answer. What do you do?
Well, I'll tell you what I don't do, Eat. haven't eaten in a month. Okay, oh my God. Crystal, you need to take care of yourself. Mmm, Title? she's my favorite. You know what? it's something nice eating at the table. not on the toilet. you eat on the toilet? Oh, and I just got to work on my salad phone. oh my God, what's salad? what does it say? I'm screwed. stop throwing things. keep talking, because I am listening. Um, oh my God, I just pulled my pinky. Okay, Crystal, I just saw on your computer that all you have open is a bunch of tabs for Ann Taylor Luft.
I am always here. right, and where? Honestly, what do you do?
I'm Che's assistant. Okay. you're Che's assistant?
Hey man, Crystal's the best. Alright, you're a very busy coworker everyone. Crystal. I'm screwed. we're gonna say an Oncology. I'm Michael Che, Good night. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_misled_core_developer_2024 | because the startup I was working for was about to IPO and couldn't let them die. This actually happened to me in another startup already. This seems quite common. This actually happened to me three times in a row now. It's probably a coincidence. Oh wait, I got the message.
My situation is actually quite good now. I did get hired for an OSS developer position. Currently I'm working on the core platform of the company. I actually don't get to work on much open source these days. It's okay, I work on it in my free time.
In four years I even got a raise. What raise? A 3.2%. Bro, this nation is higher than that. Yeah but...
So the company was about to IPO so I worked overtime for one year because without me the company would die. So then when the company IPO'd I bought stock with all my money. We had to buy on the signing date. Well the founders were allowed to buy at a lower valuation before. This actually happened to me in another company. Then after the IPO the stock dramatically dropped. So then I had to work overtime for one year to get the stock back up. Or you didn't even get stock or the salary.
Is that common? Yeah, it's not. Look it up. Why are you still working for that company? No, I have to be. But they have features.
But they use Rust and I don't just mean they use Rust. They abuse Rust. We use Rust for everything. All our pipelines are in Rust. The coffee machine is in Rust. Bojigang is Rust only. No, we rewrote it to Rust because it was more efficient. And then we rewrote Unreal to Rust because it was more efficient.
So I had to work overtime, overtime, overtime for another year. And how much did they pay you? 12,000 Satoshi Dogecoins. And how much money do you have left? $33.98. No, I mean Satoshi Dogecoins. $33.98.
You own it. That's not to be honest. No, I squat. It's okay, they gave me the NFT.
Because my strategy to become a sustainable open source engineer is I work at Fag and make a lot of money. And then I make a side hustle. Would you monetize it? No, I open source the software I'm developing and grow a user base from one to many millions. Right, and then you eventually make them pay for the product. No, with this software, we crash the industry and show it to all those proprietary software capitalist companies. And then I get notoriety to my name. And then you make money as a public speaker? No, then I work at McDonald's, make a living as a public burger, cook and develop free software in the evenings.
Where do you get all those crazy ideas from? I don't have to focus on two things. It makes perfect sense to me. |
cracked | recapping_the_administration_like_a_tv_show_after_the_trump_2 | Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to After the Trump, our Trump show recap show. Thanks for joining us.
I am your host Daniel O'Brien. Cody Johnston. And I'm Katie Stoll.
Guys, episode two, I mean. So much is happening already. People thought Game of Thrones was dense, but the amount they're packing into just the first two episodes of this season is insane. I had to watch it immediately.
Again. Oh, of course. How do you... I had the immigration ban came back and protests showed up. It's... Yeah, they're adding so much. So fast. Yeah. And like, they spent an entire episode on the inauguration. Yeah. And then suddenly like, nope. Here's just like one thing after the other, bringing in all these new characters. Which is great, because that is what they promised leading up to the inauguration. Yeah.
I like that the writers pay attention to themselves, like in the last season when he's on the campaign talking about this immigration ban, we're all sort of laughing it off because you don't think his character is going to win, and then he does, and it's like, oh, what are they going to do? How are they going to write the immigration ban out?
Nope. First thing he does.
That was one of my main concerns going into season two. Are they going to be able to fulfill any of these plot lines that they've set up? And I'm grateful that they are.
Are they fake outs?
Well, because it is a little bit like Game of Thrones or a lost, where you're like, where is this going? Do they know where they're going? It seems like they do. The whole first season, he's mentioning the Muslim ban, Muslim ban, and then they kind of drop it for a while, and then not only was that going somewhere, but they're also using his words for the first season against him, and also the Gaussian stuff, which is like, oh, you knew when you were writing these lines, they're going to use those lines later on. Yeah.
There's a lot of set up and a lot of action, which you don't always get. Overwhelming almost, but in a way that is very, very exciting. But it's so exciting. It just makes me want to watch the next one.
I wonder what you guys think about, so the immigration ban came up, and then the courts shut it right back down, so is that the last we're going to see of the ban, or is that coming back? No, no, no. This is not the last that we will see of that ban. Towards the end of this episode, they make the ruling, and then he responds, I'll see you in court.
Oh, chills! Chills!
All caps! Because of course it was all caps, but then they go to commercial, and then they come back.
I thought it was the end of the episode. I did, too. Actually, the first time, because I had it on DVR, so as soon as then, I'll see you in court, my drop from the Statue of Liberty was like, what an episode. Let me turn this off and cool down for a bit.
Before rewatching? Before rewatching, yeah.
And then I get right on Twitter, and people are talking about how the show just kept ending where he came back and was like, maybe I won't see you in court, and maybe I'll rewrite it. And then, no, we are going to look into the Supreme Court, so it's like, well, they won't. We know that his instinct was, I'll see you in court. And so what this leads me to believe is that the other players are manipulating and trying to like. If there's one thing that we've learned in the show, it's like, that Trump gets what he wants.
That's what he wants. I think that'll be fun. I think that'll be...
He shines in court. Yeah. Right. His whole life is based around like going to court. Those are my favorite scenes.
He's also such a consistent liar. He's always lying all the time, and they need to get him in the courtroom lying, and that's when the real pieces for the downfall might happen.
The other exciting thing about the court is that I think we're really starting to see who the villains are going to be this season. Which was a big question, because last season was a campaign season, so you've got Trump character, Hillary character, it's clear who's against whom. Well, see, I thought it was going to be Sally Yates.
Right. Well, that's the thing.
It still could be, because we're seeing a lot of villains show up now. A lot of people in Elizabeth Warren, we've got the judges. He's coming after the judges, and they're going to strike back. The journalists to carry over from last season, because he's been waging that war this time.
Protesters. The people are like...
They're a character now. A character. Always in the background.
The people just showed up at the airport, all of these people, just like this mass of people, another giant enemy. It doesn't stop, and it just seems like they're pointing at this entire season as just Trump versus everybody. Trump versus everybody.
That could be the subheading for this whole season. Free idea, writers. I mean, they could rename the show that, it's just that's what his mind is. I mean, even people within his own cabinet.
They're like, cool, can we talk about the leaks? The leaks. Who is the source of the leaks? Great scene when he finds out that someone is immediately leaking information.
Embarrassing information. That's the stuff that really got to him.
It's after episode one where he's like, all right, this agency, you're not allowed to talk. You're not allowed to talk.
And then immediately someone, some Fredo in his cabinet, is like, I want to sneak a little bit out. I mean, Dan, you and I talked a little bit before, but we have a theory. I'm usually wrong about what I think is going to happen on this show, but I think the leak is Bannon. Oh. I think it's going to be Steve Bannon. I think so too. Because it seems, the way I work with this show now is whatever I think logically is going to happen never works out. So what is the thing, what do I think the writer is trying to hide from me?
They're making it seem like Bannon is such a good guy. Like he's Trump's right hand man. Not a good guy, but like good for Trump. That's why I think he's going to be the leak. I don't think it's outside of the realm of possibility for this show that President Trump finds himself out of the White House, on the street, and suddenly by some weird backstage machinations President Bannon is who we get now.
And then that's the show. Wouldn't that be quite a midseason finale if we were like, oh, remember, you signed this from before and now I'm president. And then it'll be about his journey back. Yeah.
We had a lot of interviews after last season when it was clear that the Obama and Clinton characters weren't going to be series regulars anymore and everyone loved those in the Biden character. Oh, the Biden character.
Writers, how are you going to, how are you going to top this?
These were great characters. They had favorites. It's like losing Gus Fring, now what? And they really, they really proved us all wrong. They got, they got some great characters.
This Betsy DeVos is such a great source of levity in this really dark show because necessary. Absolutely. You have to undercut all this darkness. You have to.
You're watching people detained at an airport and then smash cut to Betsy DeVos who's like trying to get into a school, but you can't get past the children. We can't get past the protesters.
You know. You just don't want her there. Yeah. The head of education. And she gives up so quickly. I know. She like tries. There's like five and she's like, never mind.
Someone on the internet has done a sped up version with Yaketty Sax over it and it's just. I have to check it out. Yeah. Gotta check it out. Yeah. How like how just insanely unrealistically incompetent she seems to be. Yeah.
Unqualified. And they gave her the job. It might feel on the nose, but like I, there's precedent for that. Like House was a doctor, but he's addicted to drugs. She's the charge of education, but she's a dummy.
I can't say that. That's fine.
I have a little bit of a problem that like every, like we have this new DeVos character and she's so incompetent and so unqualified and dumb and like, uh, and corrupt. She's like buying her way into this position. Mm-hmm. Everyone's piling on her and she's like one of the very few women on the show. Yeah. When everyone around her are like these white men who are also very, very corrupt and not qualified. Yeah. It's like such a double standard. And like why, why pick on her? I mean, it's tough. We lost two strong characters when Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama were bumped down from series regulars. Yeah. That's a shame for a show that was already getting criticism for its lack of diversity and lack of strong female characters.
I really think Kellyanne Conway makes up for it. She is Lady Macbeth, Rhea Carter. Fun rule. The talent that they come up with and people that are unknowns virtually.
Right. For the most part, like, and they really avoid the easy celebrity picks. Yeah. There's no stunt casting. Like Sarah Paulson, Dennis Leary was going to be her too. Yeah. But like that would have been a stunt and it would have distracted from the actual show.
And the performance she is delivering this season. So good. Unbelievable. I mean, honestly, kudos to the makeup department.
The makeup, you can see it's weighing down on her. And like the bags in her eyes, she just looks so miserable.
She's changing. Right. It's just a hint of, oh, maybe there is some good in her. I actually read a very interesting piece about her whole process in variety and she has been going through the craziest workout and diet to physically transform for this character this season. It's been really incredible. Very impressive. She's living this part.
Yes. This is Dale Day-Lewis level commitment to the physicality and like the... Christian Bale, the machinist. Yeah, absolutely. We're like a fighter.
I'm going to destroy myself. I mean, if she's not nominated for an Emmy this year, I'm going to be upset.
I mean, Kellyanne Conway is great. Devos character is great. My new favorite character.
I don't care what happens.
Oh my God. The Spice Man. Sean Spiceman. Spicy boy. That guy.
So unbelievable. It's such a bizarre like, and like just the little things like who would, in the writer's room is like, what if, what if he just swallowed gum every day? Right?
A pack and a half of gum. Proudly. Proudly swallowed gum. If anyone in the merch department at HBO is watching, I will take a The Spice is Right t-shirt with him and just like a mouthful of gum, just like a lot of gum hanging out of his mouth. Make your own gum. I'll buy it and I'll chew it every day.
Oh my God. I won't swallow it because I'm not crazy. And I love that little detail, the love where he says, my doctor says it's fine. I want to smash cut to that doctor who's like, we've never had a conversation about gum.
That character just immediately came to life. I mean, they, they, they opened the door and he's at 11.
It's just like on the scene, clutching that podium like a madman. The scene where he just yells at journalists. That's every scene he's in. Every scene.
You know, what's interesting is he has a comedy background, but a really fine comedy actor, you know, it's a fine line between comedy and drama. So like sometimes you see that. Yeah. He came from sketch. That's right. He's an ECB guy.
I don't think he's going to be around that.
And that's the thing about a show like this. He's like, people come in and out quickly and he's going to be a casualty of this. But what a beautiful casualty. Yeah. It doesn't make sense for the universe of the show for him to stick around. Yeah. A. B. That actor is, you're going to be in the next mark.
You could do whatever you want. Go make the Sean Spicer show. Just do that.
Spice man spin off. Spice man, we're all waiting for it.
I mean, this was just such a strategic and well played career move for him. I think. Undeniable.
Game of Thrones don't even get out of bed.
Yeah. Don't bother. You're not going to top the insanity of the Trump show. Not this year. Yeah. When's Game of Thrones coming back? Sorry. Doesn't matter. Yeah.
Keep your dragons. I got. We got real monsters. We got actual monsters. All right.
We've just about come to the end of our show, which means it is time for predictions. Predictions. What do we think is going to happen on the most unpredictable show on television?
Right. I was going to say, I know that we talked about how Sean Spicer isn't going to be around for very long, but I'm actually starting to think that maybe he will because, hear me out, we look at shows like Breaking Bad and like the Jesse character, for example, who wasn't supposed to be around for very long. I feel like maybe Sean Spicer won't last long as the press secretary, but we are not going to be saying goodbye to him. He's going to be around in some capacity. I don't know. Maybe he'll be like the White House cookers. I certainly hope you're right. Cody, you got any predictions? I think we're going to see his mind start to go. Oh, yeah. We already saw the leaked scene that they referenced where he's like wandering the White House in his bathrobe and just doesn't really know what to do.
And there's that moment where he's talking about Giuliani, and then he's like, where is he? And he's literally right in front of him. And there's that bit with his crazy doctor, another amazing character. Which hopefully we get to see more of. I hope he sticks around.
But saying, yeah, Mr. Trump is taking these pills for hair loss, which he's already lost his hair, and it causes erectile dysfunction and sort of a delirium and like a confusion. And I think we're going to lead to him sort of losing his mind and maybe his dementia, maybe it's the pills, but just something. That's great. That's such a small detail that I didn't even catch the first time around. The doctor and the medicine that he's taking, because there's so much other stuff going on. These little moments of him being confused and like senile a little bit.
My bold take. I'm known for my bold takes.
I think we're going to see what happened to Cersei Lannister happen to Trump, because he's at this point where he's surrounded himself, he's made so many enemies. And the audience knows like, oh, you're due for a fall. And that's what Cersei did. And then she got that ultimate punishment of having to walk naked through King's Landing.
Everyone just... Oh, I don't want to see Trump do that. You think that she is just down and done. And then she turns around like, no, this is how menacing I can be. And she blows up all of her enemies. I think we're going to see Trump hit some low points and we're going to count him out and like, oh, Bannon's the show, Bannon's going to be who takes over now, but then Trump blows up all of his enemies. Maybe literally, probably not literally, because you don't want to do exactly the same thing. But who knows on this show? But something to get rid of all of his enemies.
Yeah, I like that. That's bold take. Bold take, you heard it here first.
I am as known for making them as I am for them never coming true. All right, guys, thank you so much for joining me. Yeah, thanks for having us. Always.
Make a show twice a week. Yeah, twice a week.
I don't think they have the budget, but I would... Let's crowdfund Daily Trump show. Yes, Daily Trump show.
All right. Everybody, thanks for joining us. Make sure you tweet at after the Trump with the hashtag Spicer shows. You can tell us, you're Sean Spicer, Spice Man has been on shows. Boy. Thanks for joining us. Thank you.
Spice Man Cometh, maybe. Spice Man Cometh.
Yeah. That's good. Hey, everybody, thank you for watching our group therapy session, the way that we can process everything that's going on in the world and make some money off it. Process it profit, y'all. We actually made the Twitter account after the Trump, so follow it. Follow that. And do the Sean Spicer hashtag. Yes, that is huge.
Play along. It'll keep you sane in these dark times. Live in our fake reality with us. |
Wizards_with_Guns | it_s_just_business | Yeah, Janet, send him in. Oh! C-Man! How the heck are ya? Gomez, take a seat. Alright. Hey, you see the game last night? Which one? All of them!
Ugh!
Gomez, you son of a briefcase. Speaking of briefcases, let's cut down the brass tacks.
All the terms have been finalized. All you gotta do is sign right there.
And to celebrate, have a donut. Actually, Gomez, I've been meaning to tell you. Have a donut!
Sorry, Gomez. Yes, but we decided to go with Johnson on this one. I thought we had a deal! Sorry, Gomez.
It's just business. Johnson, let's cross those T's and dot those I's. Jordan Sweet. Just thought I'd like it. Need a pen?
No. I'm sorry, Stevens. You're fired.
I'm taking over the Johnson account. This is straight from the boys upstairs.
What? It's preposterous! Sorry, pal.
It's just business. Here, let me straighten your tie on the way out. Here's my card. Name's Donovan. Nice to meet you. I've prepared a presentation if you just open up the file. We can get this ball rolling. Okay, let's see what we got here.
What is this? It's not mine. What is this? I swear it's not mine.
You think this is funny? This is a joke to you?
You're out. You're done.
Is this with a racist? That's a bad look, Donovan. Here, I just fixed his presentation. Why don't you give it a look? Okay. Look, racism is bad.
You got the deal, Gomez. Sorry, Johnson. It's just business.
Here, have a donut. Okay, I'm going on a coffee run for the office.
Does anyone want to get out of here? Get out of here, Jerry!
You're right, you're right.
Anyway, I'm excited to start working with you. Of course, it's a pleasure doing business. With me. Excited to be working with you. Hey, Gomez.
Your son just drew this for me. Says I'm his new dad.
But don't worry, it's nothing personal. It's just business.
That's extremely personal! My boy!
Finally, time to make a deal. Need a pen? No thanks. Let's just get this deal over with.
What's that? Where'd that come from? FBI! It's not mine. I swear.
Alright, let's get on with this deal. It's a shame about Stevens. It's just business. Finally. Ha! You just sold yourself to me for five dollars. What? No. It's just business.
No!
Here! Have a donut! Need a pen?
Here's my card. It's just business. Hey, I got the copy.
You are the woman of your life! Get him outta here!
So, what are you doing? Ooh. Are you okay? Oh no. Are you okay? Are you going to crack?
I thought we had a deal! Sorry Gomez... Hahahahaha! get out of here! get out! do one hi Tardis |
dropout | where_the_f_is_carmen_sandiego | You're making this very hard on yourself. You will tell me where I can find the loot, the warrant, and the crook. Or I will submerge you in a bath of liquid paint so deep, it will make you beg for death. I told you. I don't know shit. I'm gonna ask you one more time!
Armed robberies, embezzling, grand larceny, drug trafficking, 21 homicides, 5 rapes, suspected ties to Al-Qaeda, and she's kidnapped my daughter. Today we have her in our sights, and you fuck it up!
You wouldn't talk, Chief. Hawkins, one more mistake, and I'll fire you, eat your badge, and shit it onto your empty desk.
Gumshoes, we have any leads? Chief, she sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina. No fingerprints, no DNA. Bitch is a ghost. What's our best intel? Our mole inside the vile henchman. Says Carmen's been eating a lot of egg rolls lately. What about the trace we put on her phone? It's coming from the warehouse next door.
Do it, Recapela. Do up, do do that, do up, do tell me where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?
I heard she once killed and ate the president's dog.
Shh. I've just been going through a lot of shit lately. We moved to a service economy and everything else, I mean. I'm thinking about quitting the force, and I know it's okay. Don't move, or the tenor gets it. Please don't hurt us.
I just want to ask you some geography questions. Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego? Whoa! |
cracked | how_space_travel_would_destroy_your_body | Space, the final and next frontier. Earth is the cradle of humanity, and soon we'll...
But here's the problem.
Also, Zero-G lets blood from your legs gather in your head, swelling it up. It's called the Charlie Brown Effect, a hilarious, snoopey-rific way for cranial fluid pressure to squeeze your eyes till you lose vision. The Zero-G fluid imbalance also discombobulates your sinuses, giving you spicy food cravings when you're further than you've ever been from sriracha. Also, your heart becomes more spherical, just because, and your blood pressure craters, causing minor issues like dizziness and blackouts, and the super-huge emergency problem of bonerlessness.
Space even hates your body on a micro-level, it bombards your cells with cosmic radiation, and in studies, cosmic radiation shredded the nervous systems of lab mice. Other studies on flies sent to space were even scarier. We don't know why time in microgravity inhibits a fly's gene expression, we just know it does, and, uh, hope human genes are tougher, I guess. Space also destroys the soul!
Spacecraft instruments detect constant bad dubstep sounds throughout space.
Good luck hearing that, 24-7.
So when the Apollo 11 astronauts came back from the moon and barely got any words out, they weren't badly pretending to have gone on a fake moon mission. They were traumatized. You know, from that time they went to space, twice.
But here's the problem.
Also Zero-G lets blood from your legs gather in your head, swelling it up. It's called the Charlie Brown Effect, a hilarious, snoopy-rific way for cranial fluid pressure to squeeze your eyes till you lose vision. The Zero-G fluid imbalance also discombobulates your sinuses, giving you spicy food cravings when you're further than you've ever been from sriracha. Also your heart becomes more spherical, just because, and your blood pressure craters, causing minor issues like dizziness and blackouts, and the super-huge emergency problem of bonerlessness.
Space even hates your body on a micro-level. It bombards your cells with cosmic radiation, and in studies, cosmic radiation shredded the nervous systems of lab mice. Other studies on flies sent to space were even scarier. We don't know why time in microgravity inhibits a fly's gene expression, we just know it does and, uh, hope human genes are tougher, I guess. Space also destroys the soul!
Spacecraft instruments detect constant bad dubstep sounds throughout space.
Good luck hearing that, 24-7.
So when the Apollo 11 astronauts came back from the moon and barely got any words out, they weren't badly pretending to have gone on a fake moon mission. They were traumatized, you know, from that time they went to space, twice. |
cracked | scarlett_johansson_slams_open_ai_for_impersonation | This AI voice ripping off Scarlett Johansson? Last week, OpenAI released a demo of its new version of chat GBT, which includes voice mode made possible with AI. There are a number of voices available, but one, a voice called Sky, sounds suspiciously like Scarlett Johansson. And people are saying it's no coincidence that OpenAI's founder tweeted Her on May 13th. Her is of course the dystopian romance movie from Spike Jonze starring Joaquin Phoenix, who falls in love with his computer's operating system, played by none other than Scarlett Johansson. But he acknowledged the concerns and explained that it auditions lots of people for their voiceover parts and suggests it's merely a coincidence that the voice sounds eerily similar to Scarlett. But then it gets juicier when ScarJo issued her own statement. She said, Last September, I received an offer from Sam Altman, who wanted to hire me to voice the current chat GBT 4.0 system. He told me that he felt by my voicing the system, I could bridge the gap between tech companies and creatives and help consumers to feel comfortable with the seismic shift concerning humans and AI. He said that he felt my voice would be comforting to people. Through much consideration and for personal reasons, I declined the offer. |
dropout | if_you_re_only_20_something_stop_saying_you_re_old | You know what I read the other day? Eminem is fucking 41. What?
No, he's not. No, it's true.
And his daughter, Hailey, 18. I feel so old. Lately it's like I turn on the TV and all the athletes and pop stars are younger than me. Yeah, Blake Griffin is 25. I'm 26.
We're so old. I would say going to the bathroom is my greatest struggle. We are closer in age to Homer Simpson than we are Bart Simpson. I read on BuzzFeed that if Bart Simpson were a human, he'd be 37 years old. We are so old. So old. I thought about my dead husband today and realized I could no longer clearly picture his face. Do you guys realize we've been out of college almost as long as we were in college? I want to get a dog to be less lonely, but I think I'd die first and then he'd be lonely.
Aubrey is gonna be a mom. She's our age and she's gonna be a mom.
Papa, you ready for church? I'm not your father. Sorry.
I have dementia. Ever since I started working full-time two weeks ago, I automatically wake up earlier on the weekends. It's like my body knows. It knows. I can't sleep at night because all my bones hurt and my regrets.
Yesterday while I was fucking my girlfriend, she found a gray chest here. Well, that goes the last of the molars. When I smile now, I have like lines. Like, ugh. This is normal now. Nintendo 64 came out 18 years ago. You're fucking lying.
I used to have 33 cousins. Now I have no cousins.
The Chuck E. Cheese mouse is different now. Different how? It's skinny.
Kids born in 2000 are teenagers now. No, no, I won't. Teenagers. No. I'm gonna be sick. Well, at least we're not fucking idiots. We're so old.
Hey, guys, if you like this video, click and subscribe, okay? Because these videos matter. We're here right now doing it. Kony 2012.
Gotta find him. Where is he? I don't know. He's the bad guy? Gotta get it at that rascal. |
dropout | halloween_scavenger_hunt_challenge_let_the_shenanigans_begin | Hi, I'm Nikki, and I am Luke, and we are here at Call of Duty Black Ops 3 at Six Flags, competing in a fried fast scavenger hunt. I wish you would stop saying it like that. I wish you would calm down, you're gonna have a heart attack. Okay, well we have a list of scavenger hunt tasks, a backpack full of items to help us complete those tasks, and one hour to do it.
So Nikki, I bid you adieu, my lady. Bye-bye, my liege.
Do you mind if I ride this broom like a witch? It's my broom, it's the only one I have. Sir, it doesn't work if you don't make the spooky ghost sound. I'm a scary witch!
Yes!
I want to do like a magic trick. It's my face and I die. It's my pickup line on a lot of first dates. You look just like my great-uncle George passed away about two and a half years ago. Family, family, family, family. Slide on over here, my friend. It doesn't have to be a full picnic, but we can do tomato or grape. He's a charmer. Here we are, and you are trained, you are classically trained it looks like. Dead, but certainly skilled.
It's not about winning or losing, it's about personal support. I need to hear it, guys! I need to hear it from the crowd! Let's settle this the old-fashioned way. Okay, she's very dry now. People are pointing at me, which I don't appreciate.
May I have a treat? I'll do a trick. Is there anything sort of a ketchup pack? Yeah, I would take a case. Oh god, yes! I'm gonna see if I can...
I love it!
She's not here!
Yes! Now all I have to do is just wait for it to show up. Why is no one else screaming like this? This is fun. Well, remember this forever! Boom, chakalaka! Guess who completed all of her tasks? You did it in four hours, and we said yes, and we said one hour. Well, time flies when you are having spooky scary fun. Okay, cool, enough with the voice. Make sure to check out Call of Duty Black Ops 3, where you can play Shadows of Evil, the all-new zombie adventure, and I will be in the car. I'm staying forever, because I love Frightment! |
SaturdayNightLive | diet_coke_by_olay_snl | When my skin feels good, I feel good. It deserves to be pampered like me. But when I walk down the skincare aisle, I don't even know where to start. I need a Phd to understand all the ingredients, so why don't you just give your skin something you already know makes you feel great?
Introducing new Diet Coke by Olay, the rejuvenating facial cleanser made of your favorite thing on earth. Diet Coke. Love how it makes my face feel and I love that it's Diet Coke because I want my face to feel young and I want another way to consume Diet Coke for fresh, clean, caffeinated skin. just don't shake it. I like smell facial cleanser, but I hated the calories. The bubbles leave my face feeling energized. Diet Coke by Olay widens pores and defines wrinkles Diet Coke by Olay is made from ingredients scientifically proven to be Diet Coke.
Some luxury creams just sit on top of skin.
Diet Coke by Olay seeps through your pores and into the river of Diet Coke already running through your veins. On an average day, I drink between 6 and 45 Diet Coke. I'm not addicted, I just crave it physically and if I don't get enough of it, I start to hit and kick. Olay. Diet Coke contains no parabens and no sulfates, just soda stuff. So try it today. Thanks Diet Coke, We love you Diet Coke! Diet Coke by Olay 4999 Behind a plastic jail at Cbs. |
SaturdayNightLive | gossip_girl_staten_island_saturday_night_live | Coming soon to the Cw. you got great hair. you got a great rack. if you like the intrigue of Gossip Girl, but hate the sophistication of Manhattan, then you'll love Gossip Girl, Staten Island. Gossip Girl here. Lenny Leone was spotted at the pizzeria with Chandelier Martini.
I'm gonna take you someplace romantical, someplace tropical. you don't mean. that's right. Rainforest Cafe. I forgot to love you, you moke. Best friend, Chandelier. we're gonna bang as soon as I get my calzone. all you need to shut up. I can't believe you took her to our special place. it's our special place now. And don't act all fancy just because your dad owns Puzazuki dealership.
Yeah, come and punch me, you trash bag. feels. feels. feels. Come here. feels. Feels.
Look, who's in the fairy bathroom. Big Nick with Chandelier's mom. Oh my god, how the freak did you afford this? I wanted drag race and Pt cruises. it's gorgeous. Oh, what are you doing? that's for your nipple. even better. Mom, you're paying in Big Nick? in our special place? Mom? I thought you was her mom? What the freak? Yep, that was in a fairy bathroom. just one of two locations frequented by the gang from St. Denise's Academy.
Yo Pops, I need money to start my own business. I'm going to build tiny tanning booths for babies and dogs so they can finally look good for a change. my son is a genius. here's 200 grand. it's from that fire. hey, half of that is mine. Oh, we ain't married yet. Oh yeah? yes. get over here. it's a whole other world.
And the only way to get there is by public ferry. to velour tracksuits. shall and forever. I'm sorry I banged Lenny. I'm no sweat. I'm dating Jackie Snakes now. he's so sweet. he told me I'm too pretty for condoms. Oh, you're so lucky. ain't no homo, but I like that shirt. thanks, I like that stuff. is it Abercrombie? nah, it's Jets. hey, who fed my pitbull a garlic knot? just puked all over my Alto. it's okay, so hey, you want to go throw eggs at the synagogue? yeah. yeah, I'd like that. Gossip Girl, Staten Island. it's friggin'' unbelievable, you mooks. Bye. |
cracked | why_living_in_the_starcraft_universe_would_suck_8_bits | Alright, boys. Listen up. New orders from HQ. Let me guess. We run straight at the enemy's base and shoot at them until we're all dead, right? Is that about the gist? Bring it in, soldier! But sir, these orders make no sense.
Yesterday, we sent Velasquez out to the edge of the map to build a tower, and we just left him there. Tower at the edge is useless. God cut off the choke point.
I said quiet! I won't stand for its subordination in my outfit. Sir, I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I'm an engineer. I think I was lumped in with you guys by accident and no one noticed. Sorry, son. My orders would lead everyone in this bunker into battle, and that includes you. Just do the best you can with that blowtorch.
Where are the other units? It's been months. I mean, where's our air support? Long-range mortars. We haven't researched the technology.
Are you kidding me? What are those assholes at the lab even working?
The lab was never constructed. HQ didn't think it was priority. Priority? Without a lab, you can't upgrade to an academy. Now we're never gonna get a dreadnought.
Let's face it. Our guys in new. I could have you court-martialed for that. Don't you get it?
This is game over, man. Game over. Well, the last guy's his dad.
Listen up, Roughnecks. When we were cloned in vats of goo and handed guns, we took a sacred oath. To do whatever the crazy voice in the sky tells us to. So if HQ wants us to march to the gates of hell, guns blazing, then away we go. If HQ wants us to shoot at crystal mines or construct a bunker in plain sight of the enemy or guard an uninhabited square with no strategic value whatsoever, so be it. Wants us to die in such a way that our corpses, when viewed from above, resemble a giant dick.
Then, well, guess what? That's it. Let's face it. Our guys in new. Okay, guys.
The campaign to put me, Katie Stoll, in every crack sketch continues. A few examples. Agents of Stoll House. After hours about me, Katie Stoll.
It can cut the clips of me into my various acting capacities. Cartoons of me. I look adorable as a Disney princess.
Uh, K.T. TV. The new, uh, Crap TV 2.0.
New orders from HQ. Let me guess. We run straight at the enemy's base and shoot at them until we're all dead. Right? Is that about the gist? Rain it in, soldier! But, sir, these orders make no sense.
Yesterday, we sent Velasquez out to the edge of the map to build a tower and we just left him there. Tower at the edge is useless. God cut off the choke points.
I said quiet. I won't stand for insubordination in my outfit. Sir, I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I'm an engineer. I think I was lumped in with you guys by accident and no one noticed. Sorry, son.
My orders are to lead everyone in this bunker into battle. And that includes you. Just do the best you can with that blowtorch.
But where are the other units? It's been months. I mean, where's our air support? Long-range mortar? We haven't researched the technology.
Are you kidding me? What are those assholes at the lab even working?
The lab was never constructed. HQ didn't think it was priority. Priority? Without a lab, you can't upgrade to an academy. Now we're never going to get a dreadnought.
Let's face it. Our guys are new. I could have you court-martialed for that. Don't you get it?
This is game over, man. Game over. Well, Velasquez is dead.
Listen up, Roughnecks. When we were cloned in vats of goo and handed guns, we took a sacred oath. To do whatever the crazy voice in the sky tells us to. So if HQ wants us to march to the gates of hell, guns blazing, then away we go. If HQ wants us to shoot at crystal mines, or construct a bunker in plain sight of the enemy, or guard an uninhabited square with no strategic value whatsoever, so be it. If HQ wants us to die in such a way that our corpses, when viewed from above, resemble a giant dick, then, well, guess what?
That's it. Let's face it. Our guys are new. Okay, guys.
The campaign to put me, Katie Stoll, in every crack sketch continues. A few examples. Agents of Stoll House. After hours about me, Katie Stoll.
It can cut the clips of me into my various acting capacities. Cartoons of me. I look adorable as a Disney princess. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_bowen_yang_and_heidi_gardner_snl | The jury in his defamation case has ordered Donald Trump to pay Writer E. Jean Carroll $83.3 million. And Trump is a billionaire, so obviously he immediately hit up your grandma for five bucks. they ordered Trump to pay $83 million. that's how unlikable he is. for perspective, O.j. Simpson only had to pay $33 million for a double murder. he didn't even do it. Okay, well. this trial must have driven Trump crazy. the judge kept telling him to shut up. the jury made him pay triple what the victim asked for. even the courtroom's sketch artist made him look. made him look like that lady who got her face ripped off by a monkey. The only way this could have gone worse for Trump is if they took away his businesses, which is, of course, what happens in next week's trial.
After Ron Desantis endorsed Donald Trump, he called Desantis a really terrific person and promised to stop calling him Ron Desanctimonious. Well, it's like a Wise Man once said, you can be the most worthless republican in America, but if you kiss the ring, he'll say you're wonderful. Well.
After the New Hampshire Primary, Nikki Haley attacked Donald Trump and called out his, quote, Senior Moments, which made Trump so angry he almost ripped off the safety rails on his toilet. Haley also called Trump totally unhinged and called for him to take a mental competency test. And here's some footage of Trump trying to buzz in with his answers.
See? he's fine. hasn't lost a step. Trump did have a slight stumble this week while talking about banks, and he introduced an interesting new term called debank. I don't know what the hell Debank means, but he might have to take de-ambulance to see the doctor. .is planning to send the Director of the Cia to broker a deal between Israel and Hamas because no one eases tensions in the Middle East quite like the Cia. the Cia is like the Draymond Green of Peaceful Solutions. a new report shows that since the abortion ban took effect in Texas, the number of teenagers in the state giving birth rolls for the first time in 15 years, which is terrible news for Texas, But great news for my new store, Michael Che's maternity prom dresses. I like this problem.
Lilly Gladstone is the first Native American woman to be nominated for best Actress. that's right. it's a historic moment. her fellow nominees are calling, please don't let us win. Gladstone's nomination comes after several Native American actors were snubbed in the past, including Johnny Depp in Lone Ranger. the Japanese movie Godzilla Minus One received a surprise Oscar nomination for visual effects. also receiving nominations, the Godzilla prequel, Oppenheimer. It Tracks.
Spirit Airlines shares have fallen 58% after a federal judge blocked a merger with Jetblue. So now the only way Spirit and Jetblue will merge is mid-air.
Well, Oscar nominations were announced on Tuesday, and many critics have been breaking down the first-time nominees and surprise snubs. here to comment is a guy named Ethan. hey, Colin. thanks so much for having me. I'm Ethan. hi, Ethan. so do you work for the Oscars or something? No, I could, but I actually started my own award show for movies that really amused me, Ethan. And I'm excited to announce this year's nominees for best Performance That reminded Ethan, me, of moments from Ethan's, my past. the nominees are: Bradley Cooper marrying a woman, Maestro, been there, Paul Giamatti's eye condition, the holdovers, been there, and finally, the Chicken's building a Fort, Chicken Run, Dawn of the Nugget.
I ain't no chicken, but I've been there. you've been there? I'm sorry. that award doesn't make sense. I know, I know. there are some serious snubs. I'm so offended. Wait, you're offended. don't you choose who gets nominated at the Ethan's? Yeah, and it's a real problem. the lack of diversity. Can you believe this, Colin? the Academy is 100% Asian. that's why I'm asking everyone here tonight to donate to the hashtag, Ethan's so Asian. I'm sorry. you want people to donate to? What?
Who is in the Academy for the Ethan's? Well, I'll show you. here's a photo from the Ethan Academy's last meeting.
Is that your baby? What? no, I'm only 15. I don't believe you.
Well, fine. I was born on Leap Day, so I'm actually 60. Okay.
Asian don't raise in. right, Colin? Anyway, what do a lot of the Ethan awards, Do a lot of the Ethan awards at least go to Asian people?
No, I get too jealous with any of them win anything. it's a real problem. Okay. yeah, that's really too bad.
But the Ethan's have a new category this year. super exciting. Ethan, I will be handing out the award for movie moment that made Ethan say, okay, wait, what? Nice. the nominees are the dance scene, Barbie, the penis dance scene, Salt Burn. and finally, the digital artist that created Flounder for reminding me of my ex, Rest in peace. I don't think I understand that category either. How's that any different from the Oscars, Colin? Amen. Ethan. time for our in memoriam segment. What? Okay. blink. I don't know anyone who died this year. another blessed year for Ethan. Yeah. I'm so honored to be accepting an Ethan this year. may I, Colin? I guess so, sure. this is Ethan's first win and 700th nomination.
Wow, thank you so much. But I want to thank me for believing in me. And I want to say to myself, in front of all you beautiful people, go girl with your bad self. you did that.
Yeah, that was Nisi Nash's speech from the Emmys this year. What? No, this is my lived experience. Finally, I accept this award on behalf of all Black women. Ethan from the Ethans, everyone. my last name is Oscar. it's Oscar.
It's Oscar. it's been rumored that Disney World has plans to install a maternity ward inside the Magic Kingdom so guests can give birth at the park. the only catch is Goofy gets to watch. that's not a deal breaker. a man in California was arrested after he went to a Planet Fitness, took off his clothes, and threatened people with a knife. which, to be fair, is the only way Planet Fitness lets you cancel your membership. the former President of the Spanish Soccer Federation is being charged with sexual assault for kissing a female player without her consent after the Women's World Cup. if convicted, she will be allowed one free kicking. Nice little word, joke. a 99-year-old woman in Canada broke three World swimming records for her age class in the same day. until, finally, someone noticed she had fallen in.
Two British museums announced that they will return gold and silver artifacts that were looted 150 years ago from Ghana. Unfortunately, there's still nothing they can do about the people looted from Ghana.
I'm having interest in man camps where men try to reclaim their masculinity by attending military-style boot camps and getting berated by drill instructors. But then, at night, big gay orgy. I tell you, I like this one. a plane in Brazil was stranded on the runway after the plane's wing was covered by a swarm of bees. bees who worked together to spell out, wing is missing screws.
Well, with the election less than a year away, 2024 is shaping up to be a big year.
Here to give us a sense of what's in store is the Great British Psychic Tarot card reader, Jan Janby. Don Snl, or was it in the cards? Oh, yeah, you read Tarot cards. Oh, yes, Michael. I'm a clairvoyant, ghost noticer, and conjurer of spirits. But mainly, I just flip cards. careful, fortune. why not?
So here we have the Newsman card. There's a Newsman card?
Yes, I think this is about you, Michael. let's see. And the hourglass. that could be time. that could be time. that could be an hour of sorts. Well, I am taping an hour for my new stand-up special. Yes, yes. The cards predict this special will be your. Oh, dear, oh, dear, indeed. Michael. Michael, it's the toilet. the toilet? Yes, yes. something going down, something being flushed. perhaps a career. Or ratings. Or money. Or a career again. does any of this sound spot on? Wait, hold on. Are you saying that I'm going to lose my career this year? not necessarily. Okay, well, what else could the card style us? Anything about the Super Bowl? Oh, yes.
Who will win the dreaded American Pigskin? Oink, Go the cards. Pig Go the skin. kiss the top card. lick it. lick it.
What a strange little tongue you have. All right, let's see. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, indeed.
I'm seeing the Newsman again. the cards aren't done with you. And then the River of Coins. Huh. So the Newsman is giving a great, great deal of money.
But to whom? Onlyfans. Since to you, Michael. the Newsman financially supporting Onlyfans. I mean, I wish it didn't make sense. I am telling you that cards want to emphasize these onlyfans have bankrupted the Newsman. it's That bad.
Come on. wait. Oh, wait. the cards are speaking to me. they're still speaking to me. All right. the Newsman again. the beautiful woman. And now I'm seeing a wedding altar. Okay. that sounds good, right? Oh, I'm not sure.
Oh, the catfish. And the Newsman connects to a beautiful woman who turns out to be a catfish. And who? who is the catfish?
You know, I feel bad, but I've been having a blast. Jan Janby, everybody. we got it. Go, Jean! on Jessica Night. indeed, I'm seeing the Newsman again. the cards aren't done with you.
Onlyfans. Sense to you, Michael. The Newsman Financially supporting Onlyfans? I mean, I wish it didn't make sense. I am telling you that cards want to emphasize these onlyfans have bankrupted the Newsman. it's That bad.
Come on. Wait. Oh, wait. the cards are speaking to me. they're still speaking to me, all right. the Newsman again. the beautiful woman. And now I'm seeing a wedding altar. Ok. that sounds good, right? Oh, I'm not sure.
Oh, the catfish. In the end, the newsman connects to a beautiful woman who turns out to be a catfish. But who? who is the catfish?
And you know, I feel bad, but I've been having a blast. Jan Janby, everybody. we got it. No, she is. on just good night. |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_late_for_school_saturday_night_live | Here's a song I wrote for my new banjo Cd. it's called late for school. got this morning, clock said it was late for school. the teacher told me that's not cool. gotta put my shirt and pants on flu down the front stair. went my finger and slicked my hair. elbow grandma passing by her face went into a pie. if I'm late, there's misery. I won't be up on history. I'll be in the English grammar slammer and I'll get a C. Got a warning last semester, told my mom and that depressor promised that I won't be late. so got to accelerate. let's go.
Ran out the front door, moving like a meteor. I sped across the front lawn, quickly missed the bus. my shoelace stripped me round at the corner. homeward flying as I go. neighbor shouted, tally ho, and gave a standing ho. left across three lawn flamingos, waved to Sal. he's Filipino. jumped to fence and found that I was headed toward a pool. in the air, I did look funny on tv as makes of money. waved my arms and legs like mad to alter where I'd land. woo! Aimed for the rubber boat, hit instead the kiddie float. I began to lose control. I'm so glad I learned to log roll. jumped onto the diving board, bounced off it and headed toward a jungle gym. I swung just right and caught onto a kite.
Whoa! Up so high, I see the school. 8 am, that's the rule. flying slowly, time is marking down below. the dogs are barking, I feel like I'm sailing. but uh-oh, the wind is failing. now I'm headed downward, groundwork, onward to the school. on the football field, I crash, 50 yard line, perfect smash. grab my books and so begins my frantic final dash. down the hall, I ricochet, trophy cases in the way. the other kids are all in class, I wish that I were they. Whoa!
I see the clock ends with the light. 8 Am, Exactly right. I pull a handle with the fight. the door is locked and that's not right. there's not a person here today. is everybody out to play? Now I'm thinking and it's sinking and it's Saturday.
Oh! I could have stayed in bed. I'm out the school gate. wish that I could aviate or possibly evaporate. I'll be home and back in bed soon. my dad is waiting. what the heck were you up to? let's go fishing. my, oh my, your grandma's face is in a pie. this is really something I'd put Dad and fish are jumping. Mom gave me a new alarm to set for Monday morning. Never want to be late for school. never want to be the classroom fool. I'd be in the English Grammar slammer and I'd get a D. now my feet are doing dances. hip Hooray for second chances. I'm not late and life is great. it's time to celebrate. Whoa! |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_the_lake_house | A few summers ago, I visited my then-girlfriend at her lake house. I was hoping this would be my chance to get in good with her family, and more specifically, her dad. He was the type of guy who wouldn't kill you, but definitely knew a guy who could get the job done. Before arriving there, I had envisioned a lake house like I'd seen in the movies. Big, spacious, awesome lakefront views. Unfortunately, I was very wrong.
It was actually a very small cabin in the woods, with one large room. That's right, the entire family shared one room. It was like the family in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The only lake was the puddle that had developed near the outhouse in the backyard.
Regardless, I tried to be positive about the whole thing. That is, until I realized they didn't have air conditioning. When it's 100 degrees outside, you need air conditioning. Apparently her dad was all about keeping it like they did back in the day. I guess he meant way back in the day. So I struggled through the night, tossing and turning and sweating. A lot. Like enough to fill up a small pool. It just wouldn't stop.
I finally see the sunrise and decide to get up and go for an early jog before anyone wakes up. When I get back to the cabin, the entire family is sitting on the porch waiting for me.
My girlfriend did not look happy. Her father comes out and explains that he doesn't want his daughter dating a bed wetter and a car will be picking me up shortly. I tried explaining that it was my sweat and not pee, but he didn't care. His mind was made up. As I waited for the car to pick me up, I noticed her dad's motorcycle parked outside. I was still fuming from what had happened, so I decided to get a little revenge. I made sure no one was looking and I proceeded to piss all over the bike. I may not be a bed wetter, but that day, I was definitely a bike wetter. |
dropout | what_is_the_coolest_accidental_death | Today's question is, what is the coolest accidental death? Today I'm joined by Zako Yama, thrilled to be here, by Murphy, amped to be here, and Tony Sam, delighted to be here. Tony, would you please start us off?
Liquid nitrogen. Let me explain. So I once worked in a molecular biology lab. I was thinking that if you're just like the, hey I'm the custodian at night at the hospital, hey what's this, what's this man of liquid nitrogen?
And you fall in, they find you the next day and they're like, well Jesus, let's get him out of here, and as they're lifting him out, they drop him, oh Stan, Stan, pick him up all of him. So he's just pieces. And then of course he'd thaw, and it would get really gross. So he'd be shards of skin and muscle and organs. Stan's frozen straight through. Thanks for agreeing his name was Stan, but the cleanup would be the worst.
Yeah. Right. It's pretty cool. Stan's everywhere. It's definitely pretty cool. Even if I knew the person, if they shattered, there'd be a second where I was like, that was pretty cool. Yeah. When we dropped him, before we were like, I would have high-fived the guy that was helping me lift him out. Yeah.
I wonder if they did that on purpose, because he would already be dead. Like, whoops. Whoa. That would be disappointing, right, to just have a frozen person and then to successfully carry them.
No, no, you want to shatter them. Good work guys. We didn't want to drop him. Ryan Kevin Murphy. Yes, thank you. Could you please? My idea for the coolest accidental death is something I like to call the heart attack jump. I'm drinking. Okay.
So you know how when you're driving down the highway and you'll see like one of those trucks that's carrying other cars? A Papa car. Papa car? Like a dad car. No.
Like a dad because he has all his car babies. He has all his car babies. They're his children.
Okay, got it. Anyway, better example is probably like a U-haul, right? Yes. You're unloading, you're moving or something. There's a ramp that goes up into the truck. As you were driving, have you ever thought, how cool would it be if I just went up off that ramp? Yes. And like Fast and Furious style? Right. Okay. You have a heart attack while you're driving. Okay.
You're already going to die. Last second. You see this. You see this ramp. You're able to kind of tilt yourself towards it. As you suffer in cardiac arrest, you get that tunnel vision as you hit it and you go up and you start to turn and the last thing you think is so sick and then you die before you like hit the ground. People might think you are the rock as you die.
100% true. You might inspire others to be like, that's bad ass, and they just follow you up. Yeah. And then lots of like lemons. Everyone dies. Right. You end up killing several people. That actually sounds like one. It was their choice.
Zachary Oyama. Zachary Yasuhiko Oyama.
Can you please go? My idea for coolest way to accidentally die is accidentally sitting in a hot tub for three days. Accidentally. How does that work? I'll explain. So you're at, you got a vacation rental for three days or so. So people put in groceries and stuff away.
You get in the hot tub. You're like, why don't I just stay in? Someone bring me a beer or whatever and you just hang out and then eventually your friends come in the hot tub and they get out and you're like, I'll just party in this hot tub all night. You hit a point where you're like, I'll sleep in this hot tub. Then you wake up, I'm going to eat breakfast in this hot tub. You do that for two more days until you die. I don't know if it would take that. I feel like you could die even sooner than that because hot tubs raise your little heart beat.
That's right. I feel like you'd be dead before that. Exactly. I think. Yeah.
Well, three days is just an arbitrary number. Okay. My issue wasn't with the three days.
It was that everyone was cool with you being in the hot tub while they were setting up the party. Oh, that's awesome. Thanks. I'm being a little bit of a piece of shit. Also, I kind of deserve it. You're like, hey guys, have fun setting up.
That's a good move though.
Because no one will be concerned when you spend all night in the hot tub because everyone will be pissed at you for not helping them. Yeah, that's the thing. Groceries are cooked dinner. So nobody's going to be waking up and be like, did Zach sleep in the hot tub? Zach, how about that hot tub? That asshole's in the hot tub. And then like, it's a boss move. No one cares.
So you're dying like lobster style, kind of, just getting a little bit of a lot. Yes, you're getting spoiled. I'm just straight cooking.
Or like a soup, I was going to say a thought. I think you would die within, I'm going to say, 12 hours. How many hours do you think it would be?
I feel like I've hung in a hot tub for two hours. No way. No, I've been in a hot tub for two hours, but I don't feel like I was like 10% dead at that point. You probably never have children. Yeah, that's true.
You baked your beans. Yeah, well, you baked your beans.
Well, I don't know if it's the coolest. It sure sounds like the hottest. Yeah. Go around. Cool. Yeah, cool. Can we get on the... Guys, let's get in there. All right. Hell yeah. That was cool. My first idea for the coolest accidental death is, I just realized how confusing this is.
Parasailing shark. It's not... He's not... That's not what this means. He's not parasailing the shark.
Yeah. I just looked at it and realized that it doesn't explain my idea at all. The shark is parasailing. No, no, no, no. Okay. Although that would be very cool. Picture this. Mm-hmm.
You're parasailing. You know I love parasailing.
Yeah, I do. I do know. You like this guy? No, I truly do.
I've never been, but I would love to go. But anyway, you're parasailing in the middle of the ocean.
And the person manning the boat, the little parasailor man, he has a heart attack and dies. So many heart attacks.
Could we name him Peyton? Peyton. So Peyton has a heart attack. Peyton's manning. This is not Peyton Manning. Peyton's...
Peyton's manning the boat. Okay, so... Oh, the boat is named Peyton Manning. Oh, so Peyton is manning the boat. Peyton, wait. What is happening? Peyton is manning the boat, but his name is Peyton Jones. Yeah, Peyton Jones. Oh, right. Peyton Jones is manning the boat.
So anyway, Batman has a heart attack and he's dead. Does Eli take care of it?
I'm sorry. I don't like this.
All right, so you're up there still parasailing. And you're thinking... You're thinking, how am I going to get down? Right. How am I going to get down from here? You're up in the sky. There's no one to lower you. I imagine they like crank you down or something.
I've never been. You cut yourself free and you land in the water instead of on the boat. And a shark eats you.
What? It's terrible.
No, it's cool. I mean, it's cool, but... Okay, it combines the coolest things in the world.
Parasailing. Boats. The ocean. Sharks. Heart attacks.
And does the shark come out and kind of grab you as you're coming down? You're falling down and go... Just full swallow. Why does the shark sound like a piccolo?
If he ate the kite hole, too, so anyone watching from the shore would be, oh, you'd have like your whole family would be watching you? Crazy. Everyone would be watching.
I imagined he was up there for hours and he was like, I have to get down. That's not fair. That's not how a parasail works. You're propelled by the boat and the boat gives you the lid. You might. I love parasailing. My problem is I've never been, but I so want to go. Do you think if a boat stopped, you'd just float forever? Yes. It's like a kite. No, it's the autumnal equinox or whatever. It's like the egg. Wait a minute. The boat will not fall. I thought it was like a hard rope. Wait, what about this, though? What if when Pigon has his heart attack, he falls and he hits the thruster and he's just dead on the thruster. Can't get you further into the Pacific Ocean. Fuck, for hours you're going on that parasail.
And then you have to do something because you're getting so sunburnt. You're getting further and further out, you're getting sunburnt. Exactly, you're getting sunburnt.
So you cut yourself free. You're still speeding. So obviously that's what parasailing sharks mean. Yeah, so you guys know what this means.
That's it for this preview of the Rank Room. To see the second round of gameplay and to get the official rankings, go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
If you don't, I am going to freak out. I'm already on the edge here, okay? That's going to push me so much over.
Wait, do you want a taste of this? Hey! Alright, because the bullet didn't go deep enough. Yeah. But the hot dog pushed it right in. Yeah, hot dogs are dirty. |
TheOnion | Comcast_Executive_s_One_Man_Show_Now_Mandatory_Viewing_For_All_Subscribers | Today, Comcast announced a change for all subscribers, making Comcast's President Brandon Graves' new one-man play a non-optional part of all their programming packages. In a letter to their customers, Comcast said, in order to provide the best value, we're pleased to bundle Brandon's show voices with all plans. This heartfelt and hilarious two-hour journey will begin playing automatically on every channel and website until customers enjoy the entire performance. As of this morning, the unskippable one-man show is playing over every channel and before all of the company's on-demand programming.
I could have been a ditch-digger. I could have been a railway man. I could have been a horse with a thousand wings. Brandon, go to school. Grandma, I want to play baseball in the big leagues. Respect? In my hood, it's something you earn.
Comcast says their streamlined interface with no fast-forward or skip option makes it easier to watch the entire play without distractions. Comcast is encouraging viewers to watch carefully because they will have to answer a quiz proving they were paying attention. Yo, Holmes, you step to me like that? But don't worry, if you get a question wrong, the play will start over from the beginning so you can try again. And Comcast's triple-play customers will get triple the value three unskippable plays starring Graves. In addition to voices, they'll also get to watch Graves' earlier works Mrs. Roosevelt, Your Diamond Is Missing, and Earth Rhythms. Next up, a new study finds that climate change could become irreversible in the next few minutes. |
dropout | nerds_and_jocks_both_think_they_re_underdogs | Welcome to Super Bowl 51 in Houston, Texas. Today's matchup to New England Patriots versus the Atlanta Falcons. Settle in, this is going to be a good one. Ugh, sports.
I will never understand why the brainless masses get so worked up over this pointless tribalism. Me though, I enjoy comic books, movies, sprawling space operas. You know, intellectual pursuits. I guess I'm just too unique to understand the common folk. Common folk. Ha, you are the common folk. Nerd shit is mainstream.
Your mom can name more Avengers than she can Yankees. The truly subversive position is to defend sports. No, no, maybe two years ago. But now the backlash to the backlash to sports has lashed back to a backlash to a backlash to a backlash to sports. No, I'm the underdog.
You think your little thing is so cool, but it's not. And only I'm brave enough to call it out. Newsflash, it doesn't have anything to do with the real world. You're watching a bunch of millionaires in a fake conflict orchestrated by other millionaires. What? That's the stupidest way you could describe it. It's about the stories and the human struggle. People pushing themselves to do incredible things. You call that incredible? I call it dumb. Because you don't understand it.
You know, if you took the time to really learn about the intricacies of this stuff, maybe you'd appreciate it. Instead, you'd hover at the outskirts criticizing the surface. Well, maybe if you didn't use your knowledge as a way to belittle me, I might feel more encouraged to try your thing out. Ah, shit, I guess. I don't mean to be exclusionary. I'm just truly passionate about it. It's an easy way for me to relax and escape my life for a little while, to make me feel like I'm part of something bigger. And, sure, maybe I get caught up in the insignificant details, but it feels good to care about something.
Ha! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! You're an idiot! No, you're an idiot!
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
cracked | if_the_wizard_of_oz_was_way_worse_at_foreshadowing_music_parody_with_rachel_bloom | I just wanted to clear some things up for you guys A lot of you get me confused with Katie Willard Lovely girl, beautiful, but we are really nothing alike I mean, sure, we both have brown hair, but that's it I mean, she's got the glass Well, we both have glasses, but hers are a different shape And, well, we do have the same birthday, but we're nothing alike, okay?
Get over it, guys, get over it Just click subscribe Roll sound Roll cameras And action |
SaturdayNightLive | rose_bowl_promo_goes_wrong_snl | Okay, Marcus, so this will be the clip they play when they introduce the offense during the Rose Bowl. all you have to do is stand right here. I'll say action, and you're gonna lift your head up and look into camera.
Okay, got it. All right. and. action. And cut. we got it. Good job, Marcus. Okay. well, this has taken a lot longer than I thought it would.
All right, who do we have next? Okay, this is Phil Pomeroy. he is the backup, backup quarterback. Phil? hey.
Rose Bowl.
Yeah. big, huh? yeah, I'm pretty excited. I'm a little nervous about this. Oh, this will be a piece of cake. So you're gonna, you know, you stand here, and when I say action, you're gonna lift your head up and look into camera.
Okay? All right, that's it. Okay, this should be easy. All right. all right. cool. and. action. okay. a little natural. more of a natural, just a regular smile. Okay, cut. cut, cut, cut. Oh. man, I'm sorry. that wasn't good, was it? Uh, don't worry, buddy. no, no, you'll get it. uh, it was just a little stiff. just relax. don't overthink it. All right. I'm sorry.
I just, I get kind of nervous in front of the camera. Oh, that's all right. that's all right. that's all right. we'll do another tape. just lift your head up. smile. and look at the camera. Okay? okay. smile, natural. look in the camera. All right. okay. got it. and. action. nice. perfect. Wait. what are you doing? no, no, no, no. you're looking too far. no, no, no, no, no. back down. back down to the camera.
Phil? Phil, just bring your head back down. Phil? Phil, cut, cut, Cut, Cut.
I'm sorry. I'm just so nervous.
No, that's okay. Why don't we do something different here? why don't you do something different? Okay. okay. okay. okay. Why don't we do something different here? why don't you take a football, you know?
Football. Yeah, yeah, yeah. okay. Thanks, man. yeah, great. great. You know what? I feel a thousand times better. just keep doing what you're doing. that's great. just keep doing that. All right. and action. All right. a little more confident, Phil. Okay. we don't need the hands, Phil. I don't know what you're doing there. who are you calling? don't. just relax. Cut, Cut, Cut, Cut, cut. I think that one was good. we're going to do another one. and maybe this one, just hold the ball. look in the camera. Action. Okay? All right. all right. okay. okay. and action. Okay, see, now you're blocking your face, Phil. move the ball down. down? Yes. okay. there you go. very good.
Why are you doing that? I'm imagining that I'm selling a woman's watch on Qvc.
Oh, boy. Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
I'm sorry. I'm just really aware of the camera in front of my face. No, I get it.
Now, look, I want you to act like you would if you were, say, hanging out in the locker room before a game. What did you do? Okay, this is going to sound really weird, but can you play this? it just gets me in the zone. Sure thing. whatever it takes. love it. Okay. and action. football, football, helmets, touchdown. I'm Phil, I'm Phil. my name is Phil. and Cut. weird.
I think we got it. You sure? I think that's the best I'm going to get out of you. Good job. All right. Wow.
All right, so who's next? it's going to be a long day. What? |
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