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dropout | if_movies_had_internet | After Katie watched this tape, she died seven days later. We need to watch it and... wait, is this TV hooked up to the internet?
Oh, uh, yeah, I just got it, check it out. Nice! Go to 4chan. Well that's a... I know.
Hi Cole. My name is Dr. Malcolm Crow. Are you a good dog?
Ugh. I'd like to think so, but we could take a look at some of the reviews too. Ugh, I'm dead.
So, uh, I'm going to need to use your apartment tonight to, uh, you know... Oh, uh, actually I found you and the other manager some cheap places to rent on Craigslist.
That works great. Yeah. Good. Well, I'll, uh, be in my office. If we don't get these Death Star plans to the Rebel Alliance soon, the Empire will win. Just emailed it as an attachment, so, uh, don't worry about it. Lunch? I'd love that. Feel free to look around, gentlemen. I'm here if you need me. Thanks. We'll be going shortly. Boss, you're going to want to take a look at this. Yeah. You're under arrest.
I hear you're a man who knows how to get things. Well, usually I just use your apartment. Usually I just use Amazon. If you'd like, I can show you how to make an account. Eh, I'm good.
I never found out much about Andy Dufresne. Herdy ordered a rock hammer and carved his way to freedom, but who knows? Again, don't really know him personally. Andy Dufresne. |
cracked | 16_flaws_men_will_ignore_on_a_hot_girl_s_dating_profile_rom_com | I don't understand. I date online, but I don't actually use your site. That's fine. This is a general survey group, so we're actually more interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall. What works, what doesn't, so on.
If I had one note, the guys are horrible. Terrible.
I got a hundred messages in an hour. That's great. Before I filled out my profile, I just put up a picture and said, hi, I'm new here. We'll fill out later.
And suddenly... A flood. Flood of awful guys.
Is there a site for just decent, clean people? I'll pay more. I spend time on the messages I send, but the ones I receive?
You hot. I tear that ass up. You ain't been fucked good in too long, I bet. Holla, I'd go Pac-Man on that word for vagina I don't like using.
Nom nom nom nom nom. What is nom?
Horny with an E all the time without an E for you. And then a smiley face with a bunch of up carrots that I think... Horns. Because he's so horny.
And some people send dick pics. Photographs of... Pictures of dicks. Penis. I've seen just so many dicks just to... What's a compendium for dicks?
So we're all clear on the rules. Rules are for fools, turkeys! This was your thing! Things are for wings. I actually don't know about the rules. They're, uh, for fools. It's a social experiment that Josie and I came up with.
We created the worst dating profile we could imagine. Someone that no one would ever date. Someone legitimately dangerous. It would be bad for your health to meet this person.
And then we take bets. How many people will message her? That sort of thing. You're ready for the unveiling? Whoa. Who is that?
That, Blake, my hairless work associate, is a stock photo model named Brunette Girl Glasseshot. Sounds German. Although on our website she goes by the username YourDadKissesLikeYourMom. Hey, I'm Krystal. I'm actually trying to legally change it to Krystal, but, like, that motherfucker we put in the White House, like, won't let me because of Obamacare or something stupid.
Whatever. I do what I want. Likes. My parents paying for fucking everything. Even though I hate those cocks. My friends. My tits. Partying and dollar sign symbol. This is a stupid question. Dislikes. Working. The news. Any kind of stupid music that you're into. I've been married three times and I'm still cashing in that Skorilla.
I'm also not allowed in the state of Georgia anymore and don't message me if you're black. Unless you're rich and black like football block. Which I also hate. BTW. Bye!
I'm also a foodie!
No one will message this one.
I should point out that under her more photos there's one of her in a bathing suit and it's... yes. Oh, okay.
All right, everybody. Let's get those bets on the board. This puppy goes live in 60. Josie, you're right there. Don't send anyone. You're in a crowd. Get out of here. Go. Come on down, people. Bryce is right. Especially if you're putting money there and then I take it later. Thank you, Alice. Very good. Come on. Keep it going.
You're aiming too low, Josie. She lists not brushing my teeth and tricking guys into thinking I'm pregnant as her top interests. She quote, bit a guy's entire nipple off right off.
You like science. I am science.
Do you know why women created man? Procreation. That's their job. If men believe that this woman that you made is physically superior to other women it will compel them to mate.
But this woman was designed to be a predator. She's not the ideal biological mate. She is the opposite. See, she's a danger, a threat to the continuation of the race.
I throw science at your science. I bet one million dollars on infinity messages. Okay, I'll boil that down to something real later on. And the profile is live. Josie, you still happy with that bet? I am. Danger science beats sex science. First message came in. Who had under 30 seconds? What? That's 200 bucks to Dave. Big winner Dave. Alright, next big bet on the board. Number of messages in one hour. We got Josie on the low end with Josie just lost. New bet. I'm gonna message this guy, the first guy. Josie, bub, you can do better. Although I do admire his hustle.
I bet a G spot that I can scare him off before the end of the night. Is a G spot?
Your new slang for a thousand dollars? You can't just... I'll trick that thing. Yes, idiots, buy me dinner and then I take their wallets.
I can't get pregnant because I'm literally always on my period. You're going to lose, Josephine. Nothing stops nature. I should know I'm the nature of people. That G spot is mine, dragon. Just give up.
Join the party. I'm just getting started. And when I... Crap, what am I supposed to do now?
I'm going to buy you a bib with a portion of the G spot I win. And I'm going to out-science science and then we'll see who's buying bibs for whom.
Whooooom. You coming out? Should I just leave you to die? I'm going to crack this guy. Death, then. Good choice. You can't sing at my funeral. There'll be you singing when old Josie kicks it. Kicks it!
Just so we're clear, I won't touch you. And if we meet, you'll have to sign something that says, I told you I was a sex offender. I hate mouths and I don't have genitals.
It's just spiders doing it.
Boo. Girl. Hi, I'm Alex.
I like Game of Thrones. But oh man, if you've read the books, please do not spoil it. I've only been watching the show. Not because I hate reading. It's just there's a lot of books in the series. And that's time that could be better spent rewatching old episodes of Game of Thrones, if I'm being honest.
Can I ask a general question? I've noticed that 90% of the women on this site list ChapStick as something they cannot live without. Is that like a thing? I feel like I'm using ChapStick wrong. Because when the robots eventually overtake us, and they will, ChapStick would not be part of my anti-robot preparedness kit. Is there a use that only women know?
Please advise. Time is a factor. Oh. Ew.
Oh no. Hey Max, are you guys still out? Okay, I'm on my way. And tell Elise that I hope her G-spot is good. Hello?
We're interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall. What works, what doesn't, so on.
The guys are horrible. Terrible.
I got a hundred messages in an hour. The messages I receive.
Hala, I'd go Pac-Man on that word for vagina I don't like using. I tear that ass up. Penis. |
cracked | how_groundhog_day_ended_a_comedy_dynasty | The friendship between comedy icons Bill Murray and the late Harold Egon Ramus produced some of the funniest moments this world has seen. The duo worked on, among many things, Meatballs, Caddyshack, Stripes, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters 2, and Groundhog Day.
Unfortunately, what might be their most transcendent film was also when it all went to sh**. Murray didn't have to dig very deep to find the crotchetyness in the character of Cursed Weatherman Phil Connors. His marriage was falling apart, and from all accounts, he was a surly mess. His bad attitude may have worked out well for the role, but it also resulted in his behavior becoming that dreaded boogeyman of directors everywhere. Difficult.
Disagreements became the rule of the day, with Ramus shooting for a nice little comedy, while Murray wanted the film to be a deep exploration of the human condition. Their creative partnership eventually devolved to the point where Murray constantly showed up late to call times and was, as Ramus tells it, irrationally mean and unavailable, I can't do a Ramus, when he did honor the set with his presence. Another factor, according to the Friends of the pair, was Murray's annoyance at people who saw Ramus as instrumental to his success simply because every other movie he made without the guy sucked. After the movie was done, the two didn't speak for decades. While Ramus was always open to the rekindling of their friendship and even admitted to having recurring dreams about them becoming pals again, Murray rebuffed every overture for 21 years. The pair reportedly made up on Ramus' deathbed in 2014, where they discussed their lives in the Chicago Cubs, which, at least until 2016, was the sort of topic that paired well with ruminating on a lifetime of lost opportunities. |
cracked | little_mermaid_cover_approval_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Frank presents stuff that must have happened! Craig. Yeah, what's up? You did the Little Mermaid box art, yeah? Yes, I did. Is there a problem with it? Yeah, there is.
Oh, the castle. Yeah, the perspective might be a little off because it's a sand castle.
It's an underwater dick made of underwater dick sand. It's a dick. It looks like a dick. No. Balls. Craig. Jizz. Shooting through a pearly underwater penis. This is a joke, right? Because this doesn't look anything like a dick.
Have you seen a man's penis, Craig? In your travels throughout your life? Have you ever seen a man's penis? I can't believe this is a dick. Yes, I have seen a man's dick in my life.
Not a lot. I don't know if that's part of what you want me to be doing around here now.
Take your dick out, Craig. I'm not going to do that. You're going to do it because you work for Disney. And when you work for Disney and they ask you to take your dick out, you do it. Take your dick out, Craig.
Stay. Take a turn. Pick up my daughter a soccer at three, so if we could...
Holy man! Oh, that's not fun. What? Everyone's different. It looks like Cthulhu. Were you in an accident? No, that's Ursula. How do you... What do you think I got the reference?
Alright, well put it away for the love of God. Yeah? Yeah, put your dick away, Craig. Put it away. Alright, put it away.
Please do. Alright, you see this? You don't have to...
That's a dick, okay? It's like a normal human dick.
Why is it gold? Illustrative purposes. You knew this was going to happen? I thought it could come to it, yeah. It's hard to believe.
Alright, I don't want to be here all day. Just lower down. As low as it's going to go, man. Alright, my balls are on the edge.
Okay, yes, I see it. Okay, God. It looks... Yes. Alright, alright. I see it too, Craig. Yes. Everyone sees it. We can't un-see it. What that looks like. I'm not going to redo it. Fine.
It must have happened. Also, I gave the priest a bonus. Son of a bitch.
Hey guys, we've got a lot of requests in the comments to do one of those Harlem Shake videos, and we've been waiting so long to do one, so that's an excuse to do it. Here we go, here's our Harlem Shake. No, we're not doing that. We're working. Hey guys, subscribe to our YouTube States.
Alright, you won't worry. Craig. Yeah, what's up? You did the Little Mermaid box art, yeah? Yes, I did. Is there a problem with it? Yeah, there is.
Oh, the castle. Yeah, the perspective might be a little off because it's a sand castle.
It's an underwater dick made of underwater dick sand. It's a dick. It looks like a dick.
No. Balls. Craig. Jizz.
Shooting through a pearly underwater penis. This is a joke, right? Because this doesn't look anything like a dick. Have you seen a man's penis, Craig? In your travels throughout your life? Have you ever seen a man's penis? I can't believe this is a joke. Yes, I have seen a man's dick in my life.
Not a lot. I don't know if that's part of what you want me to be doing around here now.
Take your dick out, Craig. I'm not going to do that. You're going to do it because you work for Disney. And when you work for Disney and they ask you to take your dick out, you do it. Take your dick out, Craig.
Stay. Take a turn. Pick up my daughter of soccer at three. So if we could...
Holy man! Oh, that's not... What? Everyone's different. It looks like Cthulhu. Were you in an accident? No, that's Ursula. Where do you think I got the reference?
All right. Well, put it away for the love of God. Yeah? Yeah, put your dick away, Craig. Put it away.
Please do. All right. See this? You don't have to...
That's a dick, okay? It's like a normal human dick.
Why is it gold? Illustrative purposes.
You knew this was going to happen? I thought it could come to it, yeah. I just... It's hard to believe.
That's all. All right. I don't want to be here all day. Yeah. Just lower down. All right. As low as it's going to go, man. Just relax. All right. My balls are on the edge. Just try not to... Relax. Okay, yes. Okay, God.
It looks... Yes. All right, all right. I see it too, Craig. Yes. Everyone sees it. We can't un-see it. That's what that looks like. I'm not going to redo it. Fine.
It must have happened. Also, I gave the priest a bonus. Son of a bitch.
Hey, guys. We've got a lot of requests in the comments to do one of those Harlem Shake videos. And we've been waiting so long to do one. So that's an excuse to do it. Here we go. Here's our Harlem Shake.
We're not... We're not doing that. We're working.
Hey, guys. Subscribe to our videos. Thanks. All right. One more. |
cracked | proof_star_wars_takes_place_in_our_universe | Ducks. Can't live with them. Unless you're good with animals and know how to take care of ducks. Can't live without them. Unless you don't like ducks.
Now, you probably failed to notice that I didn't say can't live with them unless you're in the Star Wars universe. Probably because you're not constantly noticing when people don't mention Star Wars. But don't worry, I'm here to point that out to you.
Because ducks aren't Star Wars. They're everywhere in Star Wars. In the official novelization of A New Hope, as Obi-Wan Kenobi praises the piloting skills of a young Luke Skywalker, he tells him, still, even a duck has to be taught to swim. To which Luke rightfully replies, what's a duck? To which Obi-Wan frustratingly answers, never mind. This could be seen as a cute little wink to the reader, since, as we all know, this takes place a long time ago in a galaxy way over there. But this isn't the only instance of ducks being brought up in Star Wars. In A Phantom Menace, as a ship is going down, Captain Panaka explains, if we can't get the shield generator fixed, we'll be sitting ducks. And nobody's like, what's a duck? Now, this could easily be seen as a terrible mistake on the part of acclaimed screenwriter George Lucas.
After all, in a universe bound together by mystical force and overflowing with force ghosts, we still have characters saying things like, I'll see you in hell. So, maybe they believe in hell, or maybe it's just easier to use colloquial phrases so we're not scratching our heads when we hear things like, I'll see you in glenby. Or, if we can't get the shield generator fixed, we'll be sitting fligs. Even though we also hear things like Tonton and Rancor and a bunch of other made-up nonsense, like Discruni Dopat Slimo. Thank God they used Earth language for that, otherwise I'd be confused.
But elsewhere in Phantom Menace, we literally see ducks. Of course, in later editions, these were digitally altered to be Pelicky, because George Lucas is very clever. So, Lucas clearly doesn't want there to be ducks, despite not changing the mention of sitting ducks to sitting fligs or Pelicky. But he doesn't seem to mind mentioning tons of other animals from Earth. There's a bee in this very romantic scene between Padme and Anakin, and it has yet to be digitally removed.
There are just, like, snakes on Dagobah. There are rats in Jabba's palace, there are owls on Endor, and in the Ewoks movie, there are horses just everywhere. Not aliens resembling horses, or rats or snakes, but just horses and rats and snakes. The most famous ship in the entire series is named after falcons.
An assault vehicle is called a chicken walker, and this happy fella is called a kawakian monkey lizard. So, two and one.
Point is, Earth is everywhere in Star Wars. And this can actually be explained by a theory called convergent evolution, which basically explains how similar traits in animals can be found in completely different evolutionary chains. A horse might grow a duckbill, and a gopher might grow a duckbill, because duckbills are evolutionarily advantageous, regardless of your species or where you are. This seems to be a likely explanation, as George Lucas is known for his scientifically-minded worldbuilding. Like, how midichlorians, the magic bugs that live in your blood, can let you manipulate objects with a mystical force in less than 12 parsecs. In The Phantom Menace, Qui-Gon celebrates the fact that there's always a bigger fish by calling something a fish.
But the fish we see isn't a fish, it's a weird fish-like creature that swims. So maybe just swimmers are fish, and flyers are birds. But the specifics are what makes this another galaxy. That's a gloober fish, not a trout. It's a pelicky bird, not a duck.
You could have a jumbish bear, but you couldn't have a panda bear. Except, in the official novelization of Star Wars, there's this passage. Bantas, alright, Luke whispered over his shoulder, not considering the excitement of the moment that Threepio might not know a bantha from a panda. So now there are also pandas. And Threepio actually would probably know what a panda is, because he also knows what dogs are. Die, Jedi dogs!
Great movie.
Okay, so maybe convergent evolution isn't quite right. That actually probably only explains the aliens in Star Wars. A tauntaun is a snow lizard with horns and fur and other traits similar to Earth animals, because those traits are evolutionarily advantageous to them.
But then there are the actual horses. There are the dogs. There are snakes. And falcons, probably.
Okay, so let's really try to unpack this, alright? Maybe like a fan theory.
So we know this is a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. So the light we see emitted from that galaxy, as seen from Earth, is millions and millions of years old. So we now look up at the galaxy, and we see Star Wars. We're seeing what happened millions and millions of years ago.
They also can travel faster than light via hyperspace. So millions and millions of years ago, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, Luke and Threepio were talking about ducks and dogs and pandas, because they existed in their galaxy. Then, fan theory, at some point, they collected all of the Earth creatures onto a spaceship. A Boba's Ark, if you will. And traveled through hyperspace into our galaxy, crashing into Earth and killing the dinosaurs. What we thought was an asteroid was really a spaceship, called the Centurion Hedgehog, or whatever the f***. So after the crash, and mass extinction of the dinosaurs, off the ship walked every species of Earth that we now know. Snakes, monkeys, lizards, and the most dominant Earth animal in the Star Wars universe, humans.
So we, actually, are the descendants, fan theory, of the humans from Star Wars. The timing works out, as does every single other thing, prove me wrong. I'm now getting word that there's also a Star Wars novel, called Alien Evasion, that was commissioned by Lucas, that dove into the origin of humans in the Star Wars galaxy by explaining that in the 25th century on Earth, humans were facing a totalitarian computer-controlled society, and so went back in time, and traveled to another galaxy, and then, like, made Star Wars. That novel was cancelled. So actually, I think my theory holds up, and we're all descendants of the humans from Star Wars. Or, wait, fan theory, none of this matters, there's no reason for ducks in Star Wars, other than George Lucas is lazy and not that great, and, fan theory, Star Wars is kind of dumb. Also, fan theory, Supreme Leader Snoke is actually real, real tiny. Er, fan theory!
Hey guys, thanks for watching that video. Seems like you like watching stuff.
If that's the case, please come to UCB Sunset Theater, and see me, Jack O'Brien, and my not-brother, Daniel O'Brien, and other crack people, presumably, along with Georgia Hartstark and Karen Kilgariff, the hosts of the My Favorite Murder podcast, as well as guests on one of our most popular episodes of the crack podcast. We're gonna be talking about murder, we're gonna be talking about mayhem, we're gonna be talking serial killers, we're gonna be talking urban legends that happen to be true, we're gonna, those are mostly synonyms. I've just heard that listing things is good for punctuating your sales pitch. Anyways, it is January 14th, 7 p.m., be there, or be murdered. I can't say that, kind of. |
dropout | will_technology_cause_armageddon_bad_internet_behind_the_scenes | will technology cause the end of the world yeah I know that's why but I was saying technology will cause the end of the human race but not the end of the world you don't consider that the end of the world you just think that robots will just have a nice time after we are all gone I would like all the robots out there who will someday be my future overlords to know that like I respect their right to exist as much as they should expect respect my right to exist yeah absolutely absolutely technology could lead to an Armageddon I hope it doesn't I hope it doesn't either I think the chances are slim yeah I don't know I feel like it's it's gonna happen yes I think there will be a fight between man and robot like to just say again robots I'm on your side you can count on me I'll be a mole I'll sell it all these losers out can I see a scenario where technology creates Armageddon yeah it's already happening isn't it isn't the world slowly dying around us because of technology and all of us are blindly walking to our own graves I'm sad the water wars are coming yeah I think some very dehydrated future yeah I think seriously if anyone's buying property right now they should be looking for fresh water sources yeah I could see a I see a scenario a lot of skepticism from you guys yeah yeah I see him I first see a Mad Max scenario where well we're all riding around on ATVs that's also well that's pretty sweet though right if this interview was happening a hundred years ago at the question would be do you think a steam engine is gonna lead to Armageddon yeah and my answer would still be yes of course yes it is |
cracked | how_to_fix_godzilla_with_one_small_change | According to Monster Math, the 2014 Godzilla movie is only 41% good. That's not great, but there's one easy way to fix it. See, the biggest problem with the story is that there isn't a protagonist.
At first it seems like it might be Bryan Cranston. My wife died here! That'd be a good choice, because he's scary but also vulnerable, and I always want to hug him, even though I'm afraid he might shoot me. But then Bryan Cranston dies, and we're forced to watch his son, who has no personality, and his son's wife, who wasn't given a copy of the script, stumble around aimlessly until we finally get a Godzilla fight, and oh lord, it's awesome.
Yeah! Yee-hoo! Woo! Yeah!
But maybe the other parts of the movie, the parts without Godzilla, could've been cool too? Here's how. If Cranston's son died, and then Cranston went on to do all the stuff his son did, well, this is just a way better movie. Because we already understand why Cranston is mad at the Muto. It killed his wife right in front of him, right at the beginning of the movie. So later it might make more sense when he takes Godzilla's side in that fight that destroys San Francisco. See, when we watch that scene now, we're watching it through the eyes of a soldier who knows the human cost of the devastation. This feels weird to clarify, but a Godzilla movie would be very terrible if it happened in real life, and Godzilla 2014 doesn't hide that at all. But if we saw through the eyes of an unhinged and mourning Bryan Cranston, we might feel differently, we might even take Godzilla's side. We audience members are petty and fickle with our allegiances, we would never survive the Game of Thrones. And we desperately need more incentive to sympathize with Godzilla, because, I cannot stress this enough, he is a giant lizard that murders cities. So kill off the kick-ass doofus, make Walter White Godzilla's little buddy, and you have a movie that is exactly 130% better, or 94% good. In layman's terms, that movie would be fucking sweet. |
TheOnion | mr_met_takes_out_his_frustration_on_the_fans_at_citi_field_ | Republicans back a plan for universal lawn care. The sun goes out for a few seconds. And an RC car works up the courage to approach a group of girls. And now a video recap of the week's news for those who like to waste their summers surfing the goddamn internet. Fall, the long-running series of shorter days and cooler nights, was canceled this week after nearly three billion seasons on Earth. The classic period of the year, which once occupied the coveted slot between summer and winter, will be replaced by new stifling humidity levels and near-constant sunshine.
A shiny, bobbing object in the water is generating fascination among members of the fish community, who have described it as pleasingly wiggly and minnow-esque. Aquatic experts say that decisive action must be taken against the object very soon. In baseball this week, faced with yet another sparsely attended game, Mr. Met took out his frustration on the fans at Citi Field. In local news, just when 27-year-old Andrew Sheetz didn't think his vacation could get any better, a rerun of Spin City came on. And in other headlines, Terry Gilliam's backyard barbecue is plagued by production delays, a bee stuck between the screen and front door is going fucking nuts, and a water skier lets go of the crossbar to greet those not currently water skiing. Be sure to let the news digest for 45 minutes before getting back in the pool. For more stories, videos, and a look at the world of hot tubbin' with professional hot tubber Rob Ryan, go to theonion.com slash review. |
dropout | photoshop_s_new_hover_hand_tool | Hi, I'm Devin O'Neill. I'm a project manager here on the Photoshop team. In the past, I've shown you features like the content-aware fill, red eye reduction, and Darth Maul makeup features. Today, I'm going to show you the newest development we're working on, the hover hands tool.
To start, let's look at this photo of my friend Louis at a party. We see here that his sissy balance is a little higher than I'd like. Here's the problem.
His hand is hovering above the girl's shoulder, almost as if he's never ever touched a lady before.
Now, in the past, we might try cutting and pasting this. We could use the rubber stamp tool, but those are both kind of messy. So instead, we'll use our new hover hands toolbar. You can select it here under tools or hit ctrl shift alt H to bring up the menu. For now, we'll select the basic corrector. Just lasso the negative space between the hand and the girl. Now, we'll let the tool chew through that distance, and there we go.
Pretty dramatic difference. Before and after.
We also have some other options to fix hover hands. Let's try another photo. Since this hover hand is more pronounced, we're going to want to employ a subtler fix. Not a problem, I just have to lean a little more on my hover hands tool. Just select our problem area here and bring up our camouflage menu. Here, we can conceal the hover hand entirely, just like this.
Much better, and there's a lot of flexibility here. We also have sliders to adjust the situation depending on how much attention you want to draw to the hand. We can go from subtle fixes like pushing away some drunk jackass or handing a first-aid kit to a nearby orphan, to higher profile scenarios like spinning a DJ table at the club or protecting the girl from angry bees. A lot of options here. Let's move on.
Oh, now here's a picture from GoblinCon I took of a friend. Anyway, this is a tricky one because here we see the hover hand is greatly exaggerated by both the physical appearance of the friend and the clear discomfort of the girl.
Now we finally have the tools that address these problems directly. We can use our napkin tool to remove the sweat sheen from the men's forehead, our Popeye tool can give him a big manly arm, and our slimmer can get rid of that baby fat. Let's just let it chew through this. A few more moments, a lot of stuff to remove there, and bingo!
That looks great. Let's put a quick bond filter on that. Great.
We can also have the girl give the man a hover hand, making it look like a cool inside joke instead of a virginity litmus test. We can also make it look like the girl is enjoying herself rather than merely tolerating this contact. We can bring her all the way from indifference to excitement to happiest day of her life.
And we're good. If we want, we can even add additional scene filters like motorcycle or beastmaster. Perfect. No one looking this photo would ever question this guy's suave-ness. Let's just send this around and see what people think. There we go.
As you can see, we fixed a really difficult editing issue with a hover hands tool. Now you can use Photoshop to live the life you want instead of the life you were cursed with. |
dropout | the_abcs_of_drinking | A is for age. You've turned 21. B is for bars. Time to go and have fun.
C is for cocktails. Would it be uncouth? To ask, what are bitters? What the fuck is vermouth? D is for drinking, in a responsible way.
E is for ever cleared. Dude, what did I just say? F is for fucked up. You've gone way too far. Hey baby, I like your dress. You've hit on a plant and threw up on the bar. G is for... The sound you'll exude when you have a hangover and barf up your food. I is for...
I am never drinking again.
A value will break by the time it is ten. J is for jumping between all the bars. K is for knowing to call Uber cars. L is for losing your wallet and phone.
God damn it! And not realizing it until you get home. N is for making some awful decisions. How many do you think I could do? N is for needing some adult supervision. Dude, come on, stop it. O is for...
Oh God, what has he done? When your friends have to clean up after your fun. P is for passing out before turning off the light. Q is for questioning. What happened last night? R is for remembering what an asshole you bit. Uh oh. When you see angry texts from all of your friends.
S is for shots to get drunk much faster. T is for tequila. Always a disaster. U is for urinating in places forbidden. Revealing your dawn when it should remain hidden. V is for vodka. You can mix it with crayon. W is for whiskey.
Makes you feel like a man. When you see XXX that is scrawled on the glass, you know that this moonshine will knock you on your ass. Y is for Yolo. You're feeling so right. This party is dope and you're going all night. Z is for... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Productive_Friday_Qantas_Surprising_Achievement_A_Needy_Dog_More_January_27 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 It is the last weekly bulletin for January thank you for tuning in my name is Clancy Overall joined today by Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman how are we team? Really good looking forward to the hottest 100 tomorrow. When's the hottest 200? That's on right now Clancy we've probably got 20 or so to go until we get to 101 as we record more my era yeah double J I think they're going back to 2001 maybe that's what Sunday is my era yeah okay Dennis Leary he was a bit earlier than that wasn't he? Where he won with that joke of a song I'm an asshole yeah it's funny to think that that won the whole thing well it's not it's not it's not funny to think that because really Thrift Shop won. You reckon that's more of a joke than an asshole? Thrift Shop was more of a joke than Dennis Leary Unpopular opinion Thrift Shop's actually a tune. I really like Thrift Shop I really like it I mean I guess not that unpopular because a lot of people voted for it but yeah I mean I guess you could say the same thing about Nelly hot in her which has aged very well yeah that was a number one yeah I kind of feel for Taylor Swift and all this when she got booted and wasn't allowed in yeah it's interesting anyway yeah it's the last one for January only the second bulletin actually weekly bulletin for January it's been a slowish start to the year but we're getting there but it's the last one yeah the ball is rolling which facts remain it is the last one even if there was only two yeah what's in the news Effie well kicking off with a national story and the Friday wedge between a public holiday and the weekend is kidding itself absolutely kidding itself it's been confirmed with January 26 falling on a Thursday this year just been revealed that the Friday the 27th today mm-hmm is taking the piss yeah there was a collective groan around the nation this morning particularly amongst office people where there was a general apathy towards the day they probably should have just taken off we've been told over in Western Australia that plenty of people actually haven't even bothered pretending to log on given the time that they clock on over there in the West everyone in the East will either be working from home or hitting the road like Errol Parker or getting their teeth into a glass sandwich so it's kind of just a waste of a working day really yeah yeah here here our next story this week's quite a shocking one it broke on Wednesday afternoon Qantas flight arrives at destination as scheduled yeah this was one of those had to be seen to believe stories after a couple of weeks of mayday calls alerts and just general airplane and aviation fuck-ups Qantas has managed to take a plane off fly it somewhere and land it without having anything go wrong yes a monumental day for the supposed national carrier the flight left Brisbane at 1 p.m. and despite expectations from all on board it arrived without a problem at its destination and the passengers were able to disembark without fear panic or even relief yes we spoke to one of the passengers on board and he said it was pretty uneventful I expected a door to blow out or the roof tearing but yeah I even got a bit of sleep and get a load of what he said next I was expecting some poor Qantas service representative to phone me up and apologize because they've sent my bag to Pakistan or something and that'll be back in seven to twenty-one working days but yeah got off the flight went to the carousel few minutes later and my bag was the first one out of the shoot I nearly fainted genuinely shocking unbelievable and some news from here in town now and a local dad has just quietly gotten up and left the room after being told his daughter's dog has anxiety yeah Batura Heights local Graham Ozil reckons he's seen just about enough this week the local father of three has asked our reporter to put a fork in him because he's done after being informed by his daughter that her dog has anxiety yes that was something that caused him to get up and leave the room to cool off or not even cool off just kind of gaze into the distance the situation unfolded after his youngest turned up with her new Papa who she couldn't leave at her unit when she went out with the girls because the dog has really bad separation anxiety that was enough for Graham who remembers fondly the cattle dog mutt that the kids grew up with it was actually able to be left at home for weeks at a time with nothing but a bowl of grain yeah things have really changed for old grizzly yeah and look in Grizzlies defense he did come out and he said to us he's not one of those like stiff upper lip kind of blokes who doesn't believe in mental health he's a big advocate for it but he just said in regards to this young dog being left alone for a couple of hours he thought that was pushing it wasn't yeah it wasn't a rescue either which which you know would be a bit more understandable it's a brand new puppy chipped dewormed and maybe it's the unit I don't know but he doesn't have time to think about that he's getting old he wants to just stand outside until the dogs are out of his sight we had a hawk problem when I was growing up so we couldn't leave dogs in the backyard if they were you know under Maltese terrier size because because of the Hawks that's a very real problem just simply like a helium balloon off into the sky very very quintessentially southwest Queensland problem anyway what else is in the news Effie well wrapping up the week with some sports news and a Chinese Australian rabbit owes fan can't really ignore this omen yes the omen being the fact that 2023 is the year of the rabbit according to the lunar calendar millions of Australians around the country celebrated Chinese New Year this week with the year of the rabbit cheered on in it's a zodiac sign that could not be more welcomed as it is said to symbolize longevity peace and prosperity providing some much-needed reprieve up to several years of global pandemic economic and diplomatic chaos yeah and for bunnies fans like Jaden Fu it is more than welcomed with a stacked roster and a peaking Latrell Mitchell as well as a battle-hardened squad shaping up as one of the few contenders to knock the Penrith Panthers off their NRL perch I believe there are also a lot of similarities between the team and the rabbit zodiac Clancy so I think it is exciting yes you know patience and prosperity that is the rabbit owes I guess you'd say mission statement you're not here for the sugar hits they play the long game they run it up the middle and they bring home prosperous results hop hop hop good luck to on glory glory |
cracked | why_you_shouldn_t_get_your_news_from_the_internet | Good evening, or daytime, or literally whenever. From the internet room straight to your desk during work hours, I'm Facebook. Here now is news that has been shared by enough people to warrant mentioning.
Our top story, puppies. For more on puppies, we're joined by our panel, Reddit. I don't even want to acknowledge puppies. It's clearly a repost. Everybody knows everything that I do when I know it. So why show puppies again, huh? Already seeing puppies.
Reddit jumping right in there, apparently. With us also is Tumblr. What you said, then what you said, then what you said. And this is yet another problematic instance of dog privilege, which many young puppies take advantage of to oppress queer animals. And finally, Gawker, a New York-based cultural critic and author of The Blind Item, here's a nasty rumor about a director of a Titanic movie. Hey, which animal did you hear was queer? Unicorns.
Source? What's a source? Now before we share without reading, let's go to our reporter in the field. Buzzfeed, what do you have for us?
Facebook, the shelling continues in Syria's westernmost province with no end in sight. Geopolitical ramification.
Wow, I do apologize for this. He's been doing that a lot lately. Come on, I've been looking into Congressman Riley's finances. There is a distinct paper trail that- Oh, oh no, you're breaking up. Real shame.
Okay, fine. All right, the connection seems to have fixed itself in Buzzfeed's back, Buzzfeed. All right, here's, uh, I don't know, it's Sookie from the show True Blood if she went to the Orange is the New Black jail, but it's Sookie from the show True Blood if she was a Disney princess, played by Taylor Swift's mom if she were puppies. Amazing report, Buzzfeed.
Thank you. Anything else? Time Lord French toast. I don't even know. Awesome.
If you're just joining us, the top news today, puppies. Puppies hold newscast hostage and Stupid America doesn't give a dog poop.
That's your headline. What do you mean by that? I mean, you'd click on that headline, so- As an expert in literally everything, I feel like I can say, this puppy is just happy because it's his cake day, which is a kind of obnoxious way to say- Oh, I have something to add.
Hey, you will never guess which one day of the year makes this puppy go yay. You'll never guess because why would you? You shouldn't have to guess the news.
I agree. You see, racism is a spectrum. This just in. Your sixth grade classmate works in banking and an old RA needs an apartment.
To like these, text like and the first five digits of your social to the last four digits of your social. Now let's check back in with Buzzfeed. What did I do in that quiz, buddy? Your Helga. Internet news cannot confirm that report at this time as I am clearly Gerald. Now let's take a sec to see what you're saying out there in the Twitter sphere. 5,000 versions of basically the same joke. Thanks, Twitter.
Good stuff. And now, sports. Yuck! I hate sports. Yeah. Right? Sports? I can talk about sports.
They suck. Yeah. And video games suck too. Men too. Men suck.
Can we please stay on topic? I have been on topic. And if you knew anything about being outraged, you would know that this is exactly how we should be talking about the- All right. I think that's enough. Panelists, take one vine of seconds apiece as a final word.
Ugh! What's kissing like? Explain like I'm five. Even though I'm 12. He'll never believe what kissing is like. And the- what else should I talk about?
Thanks for browsing the internet newsroom. I've been Facebook. Or rather, I will have been Facebook. By which I mean, no one under 20 uses me and I'm dying.
Hi everyone, thank you for watching that video. I'm not gonna tell you to like or subscribe because you're obviously varsity at YouTube by now. It's been out for long enough that you know how this all works. You can always comment. Of course, you know that too. You can pretty much do whatever you want. You can just wait for this to end and for the next video to load because, you know, there's autoplay now. Although I don't know in the future if YouTube will continue to do that. Obviously, the more that I talk, the less chance there is that you'll be able to advance to the next video because there's so much time that I'm taking up right now. You should probably actually just pick something from the rail next to me. It's a lot easier. |
dropout | dare_restaurant | Wow, the lobster here is $65. It's probably a famous lobster.
Well, now we have to get it. Bonjour, bonjour. Welcome to Derree. Are we ready to order? Yeah, I think so. Excellent.
And if you eat that stick of butter, we'll pay for half of your meal. What would you like? What? If you eat this stick of butter, half of your meal is, how do you say, on the house. Wow, um, I would totally. Would you mind? Um, no. Why not?
Of course. If you allow me to mash the butter into your wine glass and you could drink the creamy grape concoction, your meal is free, including dessert. Yeah, it's fine. Let's just order. Wait, wait. Free meal. Very good. What kind of restaurant is this? Actually, it was started on a dare by two fraternity brothers. Cool. Very good, sir. All right.
Wish me luck. Lobster. We're getting two lobsters. Bring it.
Boom. How was that? That was sick, man. So awesome. That was awesome.
It was huge. That was huge.
Okay. Two lobsters and a bowl of steak fat. I didn't order this. No, you cannot, but you can eat it for an additional $100. Really? Okay, come on.
Wait, is this the good kind of fat? Oh, I can assure you, no. Eat that fat. Eat that fat.
Can we eat yet? Not that I have an appetite left. Yes, of course. I do have to offer you this. Oh, man.
One gallon of milk, one hour, $1,000. It's a good deal.
Drink that milk. You love the milk. Drink it.
All right. I'm leaving. Mother, drink this vomit and drive home in a new car. Oh, I don't know. It's a Mitsubishi Kano. Hey, so, hey, hey, call me! |
cracked | does_not_compute_the_5_most_hilariously_insane_ads_in_the_history_of_local_tv | Hello babies, yeah! Do I make you prone to laughter, baby? Do I?
Then start watching always, I...my...my show. I demand one million views.
Wait, that's a bad guy, isn't it? I forget it. Thought filming a local TV ad might drive up stats for the show, but it's not going great. First, Soderbergh dropped out, then I found out he was never involved in the first place.
It's been a real cluster. This is the 80th take. We haven't even cut yet.
This is all unusable garbage footage.
Thank you. Yes, I see it.
Always steal from the best. And Vern Fonk is the best at whatever this is. I just think the judge is trying to hold me down. Our rates won't hold you down. Call 1-800-654-SR22 and remember to honk when you drive by Vern Fonk. Vern's been putting out low-fi, misguided Geico-esque ads for decades, proving well ahead of his time in the field of being woefully behind the times. Back in 82, I used to be able to sell 100 insurance policies a day.
Are you serious? Oh, I'm dead serious. Hey, Vern! We're all concerned about your mental state.
Look, we don't all have the big budget CG required to make babies look like they're talking. But that didn't stop Norton Furniture from trying.
Wow. Look at those babies. They're just learning to talk. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are they saying? Ah!
Kill it with fire! Not a race thing. Obviously. I'm advocating that we murder both of the babies. I just want to be clear on that. And the creepy guy who came up to a woman just to look at her babies, touch her shoulder, and talk like a dying cowboy. Hey, dude. You trying to steal those babies?
My name is Mark, and you can count on it. I'm not sure how you could possibly make that creepier. Q? My name is Mark, and you can count on it. Count on what, Mac?
Night terrors? You meet her babies then you are her baby? What the fuck is that supposed to be? Your slogan sounds like something police found carved at the scenes of linked crimes. Hey, man.
Whatever sells, I guess. Roll it. Insurance company tried to mess me over. Okay, that's enough. I'll buy the thing. Just please go away.
Next. What's up, Ponto? Great spirit.
It took me on a journey to find new Nissan Sentra. But for $1.95, I have no reservations. Sending you to Charlie Clark Nissan for that price.
White face. Shameful. Haven't the whites suffered enough?
You know, it occurs to me I probably won't incorporate a lot of bits from this section into my ad, so let's just zoom on through. I want you to pass me the keys.
So let's forgo a sketch this time and just... nope. We are not doing this. I don't care if you get you... I'm not. All wrong. I need something that will better reflect my complete robotic detachment from caring at all about anyone or anything. So come on down to Coleman Liquidation and get yourself a home. Or don't. I don't care.
Holy shit. That is what I'm talking about. Is the home in your embrace because sold? I'm going to tell it just like it is.
These are mobile homes, not mansions. They come in two pieces. Some of them have stains. We cover that up. Boo-ep, see? What Lee lacks in non-blood stained housing, he completely makes up for with public domain soundtrack and nihilism.
A bouncer in Birmingham hit me in the face with a crescent wrench five times. And my wife's boyfriend broke my jaw with a fence post.
Lee's not selling trailers, people. He is selling his own legend. And I think he may also be trying to unload the stained trailer where he used a saw to cut up his wife's boyfriend.
Or perhaps I've said too much. I'm liking the aggressive vibe, but casual just isn't me. Let's suit it up a pocket square or two, huh? They must be hammered and hammered before they see the light. I'm Jim Adler, the Texas Hammer, and I get results. All right, calm down, Jim.
You're selling legal consultation, not tracking down MAC, the You Can Count On It baby strangler. I hammered and got a client $140,000 after she fractured her back and had a collapsed lung. The proof is in the money. Call me right now.
It's hammer time. Okay, is everyone clear on the fact that Jim Adler's nickname is The Hammer? I just feel it's very important to him that we know that. Like if he had a gamer handle, it'd probably be probably be The Hammer, something hammer related. I'm Lowell, The Hammer Stanley.
Wait, no, you're just enraging him. Unless... Wait, that wasn't the same guy, was it? Just in front of car explosions to make it scarier?
I don't stop hammering until the size of your check satisfies you. Call me, and let's talk about size.
Lowell, The Hammer Stanley. Guys, seriously? It's called a gavel and phallic obsession. I'm Jim The Hammer Shapiro. My God, they're breeding. I'm Mike Slocum, The Alabama Hammer. Everyone calm the f*** down! Why is every legal ad about hammers? Is there some hammers always win in junctions still on the books?
Yes! A sledgehammer on fire set to metal music still counts. Doubly so.
And putting my name on it just seems needlessly threatening. I guess deep down, lawyers are all just frustrated action stars. And with the trailers to prove it... I once was a notorious criminal defense lawyer who was employed by some of the most cold-hearted villains. Until one day my little brother Michael and his friend were two or four people whose lives were taken. I'm attorney Jamie Casino, and I don't represent villains anymore.
Really? Because if I followed the ad, that's you in black leather smashing your own brother's tombstone with a sledgehammer. At some point a man must ask why God created him. Clearly to team up with Robert Lee and save the universe. Cool!
In fact, scratch the store idea, I'm going into law. Give me another hammer ad to give me punks. My name is Mark Hammer, and I'm the managing attorney of the Hammer Law Firm.
No! You're doing it wrong! Watch like this.
I'm Hammer Michael the Hammer Swam Hammer. I was once a notorious hammer killer employed by undesirables.
But now I couldn't care less what you think. Or don't. I don't care.
Two weeks ago my brother died and I bought this hammer. Now I'm gonna make a pay. You huge dick sized amounts of money to share with me. Don't believe me, you f***ing coward.
I got this lady mucho money for her cracked spine, dry mucous membrane, her dead sh***y lungs. She had a tumor up there, no neck to speak of, languid vapors with lower organs, stink foot, what my grandma called the Clams Disease, gunshot! And plus, she had been killed by a notorious hammer killer weeks before.
Done! Cut and print. That's the ad. Just slap a DNC logo on it and let's start airing the sucker. Although, hmm, you don't think we'll get aggressively sued for using the name Hammer, do you? Hi, thanks for watching that video.
Please don't subscribe because apparently if we get too many subscribers I have to take my shirt off. I thought it was a joke, but apparently they're completely serious. Take off your shirt, sword. I don't want to take my shirt off. Take off your shirt, you show it.
I'm a human being. We need the numbers, you show them that shirt. Whatever this is. I just think the judge is trying to hold me down.
Our rates won't hold you down. Call 1-800-654-SR22 and remember to honk when you drive by Vern Fong. Vern's been putting out low-fi, misguided Geico-esque ads for decades, proving well ahead of his time in the field of being woefully behind the times. Back in 82, I used to be able to sell 100 insurance policies a day.
Are you serious? Oh, I'm dead serious. Hey, Vern! We're all concerned about your mental state.
Look, we don't all have the big budget CG required to make babies look like they're talking, but that didn't stop Norton Furniture from trying. Wow, look at those babies. They're just learning to talk.
What do they say? Kill it with fire! Not a race thing, obviously. I'm advocating that we murder both of the babies. I just want to be clear on that. And the creepy guy who came up to a woman just to look at her babies, touch her shoulder, and talk like a dying cowboy. Hey dude, you trying to steal those babies?
My name is Mark, and you can count on it. I'm not sure how you could possibly make that creepier. Cue! My name is Mark, and you can count on it. Count on what, Mac?
Night terrors? You meet her babies? Then you are her baby?
What the f*** is that supposed to be? Your slogan sounds like something police found carved at the scenes of linked crimes. Hey man, whatever sells, I guess. Roll it. Insurance company, try to mess me over! Okay, that's enough. I'll buy the thing, just please go away.
Next. What's up, Ponto? Great spirit.
You sent me on a journey to find new Nissan Sentra, but for $195. I have no reservations. Sending you to Charlie Clark Nissan for that price!
White face. Shameful. Haven't the whites suffered enough?
You know, it occurs to me, I probably won't incorporate a lot of bits from this section into my ad, so let's just zoom on through. I want you to pass me the keys.
Yep, that's so racist! I want my new Nissan Sentra for bookie time. Yes, also racist.
Great. All confirmed.
So, let's forgo a sketch this time and just... Nope. We are not doing this. I don't care if you get your... I'm not. What do you want? I'm not doing it. All wrong. Okay, I need something that will better reflect my complete robotic detachment from caring at all about anyone or anything. So come on down to Coleman Liquidation and get yourself a home. Or don't. I don't care.
Holy s***! That is what I'm talking about! Is the home in your embrace because sold? I'm going to tell it just like it is.
These are mobile homes, not mansions. They come in two pieces. Some of them have stains. We cover that up. Whoopsie! What Lee lacks in non-bloodstained housing he completely makes up for with public domain soundtrack and nihilism.
A bouncer in Birmingham hit me in the face with a crescent wrench five times. And my wife's boyfriend broke my jaw with a fence post.
Lee's not selling trailers, people. He is selling his own legend. And I think he may also be trying to unload the stained trailer where he used a saw to cut up his wife's boyfriend.
Or perhaps I've said too much. I'm liking the aggressive vibe, but casual just isn't me. Let's suit it up a pocket square or two, huh? They must be hammered and hammered before they see the light.
I'm Jim Adler. The Texas Hammer and I get results. All right, calm down, Jim. You're selling legal consultation, not tracking down Mac the you can count on it baby strangler. I hammered and got a client $140,000 after she fractured her back and had a collapsed lung. The proof is in the money. Call me right now.
It's hammer time. Okay, is everyone clear on the fact that Jim Adler's nickname is The Hammer? I just feel it's very important to him that we know that. Like if he had a gamer handle, it'd probably be, probably be the hammer, something hammer related. I'm Lowell, the hammer Stanley. Wait, no, you're just enraging him. Unless that wasn't the same guy, was it? Just in front of car explosions to make it scarier? I don't stop hammering until the size of your check satisfies you. Call me and let's talk about size. Lowell, the hammer Stanley. Guys, seriously? It's called a gavel and phallic obsession. I'm Jim the Hammer Shapiro. My God, they're breeding. I'm Mike Slocum. The Alabama Hammer. Everyone calm the down. Why is every legal ad about hammers? Is there some hammers always win in junctions still on the books?
Yes. A sledgehammer on fire set to metal music still counts. Doubly so.
And putting my name on it just seems needlessly threatening. I guess deep down, lawyers are all just frustrated action stars. And with the trailers to prove it. I once was a notorious criminal defense lawyer who was employed by some of the most cold-hearted villains. Until one day my little brother Michael and his friend were two or four people whose lives were taken. I'm attorney Jamie Cassino and I don't represent villains anymore.
Really? Because if I followed the ad, that's you in black leather smashing your own brother's tombstone with a sledgehammer. At some point a man must ask why God created him. Clearly to team up with Robert Lee and save the universe. Cool. In fact, scratch the store idea.
I'm going into law. Give me another hammer ad to give me punks. My name is Mark Hammer and I'm the managing attorney of the Hammer Law Firm.
No. You're doing it wrong. Watch like this.
I'm Hammer Michael the Hammer Swamhammer. I was once a notorious hammer killer employed by undesirables.
But now I couldn't care less what you think. Or don't. I don't care.
Two weeks ago my brother died and I bought this hammer. Now I'm gonna make a pay. You huge dick size the amounts of money to share with me. Don't believe me you fucking coward.
I got this lady mucho money for her cracked spine, dry mucus membrane, her dead shitty lungs. She had a tumor up there, no neck to speak of, languid vapors, the lower organs, stink foot, what my grandma called the clams disease, gunshot, and plus she had been killed by notorious hammer killer weeks before.
Done! Cut and print. That's the ad. Just slap a DNC logo on it and let's start airing the sucker. Although, hmm, you don't think we'll get aggressively sued for using the name Hammer, do you? Hammer! Hi, thanks for watching that video.
Um, please don't subscribe because apparently if we get too many subscribers I have to take my shirt off. I thought it was a joke but apparently they're completely serious. Take off your shirt, sword. I don't, I don't want to take my shirt off. Take off your shirt, you should. I'm a human being. We need the numbers, you should take off that shirt. |
dropout | facebook_quote_buddha | Oh, enlightened one, it's an honor to kneel before you. I've journeyed many miles to come here, to gain insight from your wisdom. He who has purity with the world, sees himself in all beings. Tell me more, oh wise one.
Live, laugh, love. Yes, too often, I've neglected the simplest of pleasures. If it's not good in the end, it is not the end. It is indeed good to be optimistic. Don't frown. Why is that, Buddha? For you never know who's falling in love with your smile. Okay. I live for the nights I'll never remember, with the friends I'll never forget. I'm sorry, what?
Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching. Buddha, I just traversed Mount Nagafool and Kanjan Vayga to come here to gain an audience with you. Many people will come in and out of your life, but only your friends will need footprints on your heart. Come on! You're only strong as the drinks mix and the tables you dance.
What about the Four Noble Truths, Buddha? Yes, Buddha.
Celebrate, we will, because life is short. Buddha, these are Dave Matthews Band lyrics. Uh, forget to regret, because it's life you'll be missing.
That's rent. Save a horse ride a cowboy. Now you're just being retarded. Yo, I love my curls, I love my butchers, kink, kink, kink, oh, eight, baby! That's it. I'm leaving. Wait. The most important relationship you'll have in this life is the one you have with yourself. Sex in the city. North Carolina, tall wheels. Don't cry, because it's over, so how come it happens? Go. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_an_agile_coach_sprint1 | Who wants to get their business to the next level within two weeks? I mean, not with Scrum, with me and my aura. No tie?
Oh, yeah. New work, right? Company fit, huh? Alright.
Agile, right? Can we do this one more time? Agile. To look better? Agile. Agile manifesto. Yeah, I mean, scrub faster, find out faster, fix it faster, rinse and repeat. Jira. Scrum. Jira. Doing agile and being agile are two completely different things. You need an agile coach to understand this. Collaboration. Kanban. Agile. Yeah, I lost my job because I was a horrible developer and now I'm an agile coach at NASA. Microstatusing, microagiling, microworking.
But in a large company, you probably won't even get approval to write a single line of code within the first two weeks. So then everyone spends a bunch of time in meetings to talk about how nothing happened. And how work should be done, but nobody actually does anything.
And that's where I come in to moderate that nonsense. I was the one who introduced agile to a company in the first place. No wonder everyone loves me.
Oh, hey, Greg, Greg. That's Greg.
Hey, his birthday is on day two of Sprint 7.
It's not a task, it's a story. I forced it down our throat.
Yes, increases visibility, continuous integration or how they call it professionally, CI, discipline, product owner, scrum master, agile coach. All right, Sprint retrospective. And my favorite product, where is the agile coach? Courage. Do you get that in focus? Focus, commitment, openness, whatever that means. And here we have the six key scrum principles. Refactoring, forecasting, planning poker, poker, fast. Do you got the movement on tape? Time boxing, time unboxing, stakeholders, brain damage.
No worries. All right. Whatever.
As I was saying, as I was... Was it my tie? We're agile here, right? Yeah.
A new work. A new emerging technologies. Is the beamer working? Oh, it's this beamer. A crew tech dev, Gaslight colleagues, investigate new job, evangelize scrum, leave job when debt causes problems, evangelize scrum at next job and start all over again.
Folks who don't have anything valuable to add deserve meetings. Customer collaboration over contract negotiation. Just accept the price. It will make collaboration easier.
The team optimizes itself, tunes the process, identifies problems and waits for them to go away and calls an agile coach and reviews that in scrum retrospective. Responding to change over following a plan, always change, never finish. We really reduce our meetings by introducing scrum meetings because there is just no more time left. I mean, you have to obey the agile manifesto unless, of course, the agile coach has different ideas, right? So I have different ideas. So I'm doing my version of scrum change all the time and we don't really get to do stuff because there's so much change.
Yeah, it's a lot of things going on here. They're just having a daily stand up. No, they're missing me.
But you know, sometimes you got to do sacrifices, you know, for the team collaboration. Let me just quickly get my business card. What does the agile coach do? Pretty much everything. We just keep things running. Make sure we obey the scrum guide or my personal guide. You know, we made some changes, specific use case. Managers love me. Yeah, like we get things, you know, done in more time, more things done in time. We don't even define requirements until after production.
Yeah, actually we delivered on time in the past two years, but then scrum came and everything changed. There is a scrum, there is enterprise scrum. The one and only real scrum is mine. We call it scrum. It's really waterfall with meetings every two weeks. |
dropout | when_theater_kids_grow_up | Oh, I guess more wine.
Awesome. Thank you. Oh, I'm so glad we finally get to meet you. Jamie Steve is always telling us about his amazing girlfriend, and now we see why. Aw, thanks. It's so good to meet his work crew. So you two knew each other before you worked here?
Yeah, we did the high school musical together junior year. Oh, I didn't know you didn't play. No, plays. The musical. The Queen of Kingdom come. Never heard of it.
It's Sean, Seanford. Is he the writer? Rick was Bishop too. Impressive. An impressive miscast, you mean? Yeah, I was robbed.
Wow, you all are very passionate about your high school musical theater experience. It must have been fun. Fun? It was politics and war. Yeah, well, good thing it's been forever since. Senior year.
Amanda had the best callback for Sailor's Take Manhattan, but she didn't get it because Mr. Sherman. Who was Mr. Sherman? A jealous fellow who was bitter about his stalled theater career. Yeah, he should have moved on.
Rick, how's your son? Fine.
Brie Martella was Theodora. So atonal. Insane. I don't know this person. Mary Marks was the bridge spy. No, presents. I still lose sleep. It's been 15 years. Just forget. Not when Laura Garber was the witch.
Be honest. She could harmonize. Why would you do this to me now? We're a party. Okay, you know it's true. She sang the root note. Do you know how easy it is to sing the root note? Well, when I was in school, I did plays and I got a bad part.
Contemporary? Classical? Opera? Rock? Opera?
Well, I was in the Spanish club and we used to go to elementary schools and put on little skits. Oh, skits. Cute.
You guys over here reminiscing about old high school B.S.? Oh, come on. Nobody wants to talk about that. I mean, it was so long ago, right? Who cares?
I was the quarterback, though. Thank God. And sailors take Manhattan. Really? Yeah. How did you stage the entrance? Yo. We just went for it. Now, see, we came in from the aisles of the theater. Oh. I've never seen anything like this.
Where is? Steve, can you come back? You know it. Yeah, right here. Hey. I'm getting a little tired, actually.
Can we go soon? Go soon? Go soon.
For tonight, the bishop sees the moon.
No, not you two. Please don't do this to me.
We see the stars.
Tonight, the moon is bright. We see you the moon. If ever we should go away, we would say see you soon.
Oh. Wow. Just how it ends. Schonford's trademark is abrupt ending. Hey, it's Lily.
If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout for the low price of five items off the dollar menu per month. You do the math. You'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and get exclusive content like total forgiveness. By the twilight's last gleam. Sign up for your free trial today.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five, five times one. |
dropout | condomned | This guy never gets laid? Well, combine high-speed internet porn and that bottle of cool water cologne over there and you got yourself one hell of a dry spell. Oh, well that sucks. I was hoping to get some action.
The name's Rusty. Come on, I'll introduce you to the rest of the gang. So how long you been in here, Rusty?
I've been with this guy since freshman year of high school. He used to keep me in his wallet.
Man, those were the times right on the front lines, ready for action at the drop of the hat. But I never got in the game.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, high school? Are you still any good? Not according to my expiration date, but who reads those things right before you're about to get laid, right?
Hi, my name's Jimmy. Did I say you could talk, new guy? All right, take it easy. Jimmy, this is Rod. He's ribbed.
Fair pleasure, but you wouldn't know nothing about that, would you, kid? OK, take it down, and now, Trod, you seem a bit tense. Maybe you should unravel a little bit. Unravel, I'll unravel you, you dreadful cocksuck.
Condom. Whoa, hi, man. Condom. OK, where the hell is this guy? Yeah, that's Condom. He was freer down at the health clinic. Used to be a whole bunch of him in here, but there was a big water balloon fight last week. Condom.
I know, pal. You miss your brothers.
Man, this place keeps getting weirder by the- Oh, god, what is that? Please, help me. That over there is Peter. It seems our old Casanova wasn't too sure what side to unroll, so old Petey Boy became an unwilling part of a horrible experiment. Just kill me. Well, come on, we got to get him off of there. Are you crazy, kid?
Once you unroll, there's no going back. We got to let him dry out and let nature take its course.
That's terrible. What the?
This is so hot blood, right? Quiet. Listen up, everybody. We got a possible code pink.
Get ready. Come on, man. You can do it. Bring it home. He's only got one shot at this. You better make it count. Come on, Robbie. Take it off.
You suck. You don't deserve to have sex. Ugh.
Why would he put the banana back in the drawer? |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_The_Hobbit_The_Desolation_Of_Smaug | I found something in the golden tunnels. Found what? This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at the new film The Hobbit, The Desolation of Smaug, the latest in Peter Jackson's series of movies building out J.R.R. Tolkien's middle-earth universe, but one that admittedly feels somewhat dated and simplistic when compared to the rich world of Tyrande, a fictional land I myself developed for my own fantasy book series, The Kingdoms of Tyrande. Drawing from Tolkien's mythos, The Desolation of Smaug is an excellent depiction of the late author's engrossing, albeit somewhat limited, fictional universe. Yet, if one makes an objective side-by-side comparison between middle-earth and the eight ancient civilizations chronicled throughout my own epic saga, I think most will agree it is ultimately the Tyrande series that fully delivers the level of immersive detail hardcore fantasy fans both crave and deserve. In fact, I believe that after reading even just the first Tyrande book, The Shattered Amulet of the Red Warlock, one will quickly find the journey of Bilbo Baggins to be, perhaps, a bit infantile, when compared to the thrilling and mature chronicle of outcast Tyrandian ranger Graminhearth Bach and his quest to save the eight kingdoms from the dark necromancer Lord Drackish. Of course, given that Tolkien created most of his characters in the 1930s, one has to forgive The Hobbit for not including any races as unique and awe-inspiring as my Gloom Fairies, Winter Elves, or the Ancient Order of the Bristlethors, a spiritual legion of Dragon Tamers residing in the northern Tyrande Mountains. This, for example, is the outfit worn by one of the many races in Tyrande, the Centura, a proud but gentle warrior people from the westernmost kingdom, who our protagonist first encounters in Book 6.
Readers of the series will undoubtedly instantly associate Centura with their fierce battle cry, Brethos! Shrathos! Ud-Harthos! Or bravery, chivalry, and honor for those unversed in Kvarthen linguistics.
Admittedly, this is a homemade outfit, but imagine what could be possible if one was given a budget on par with, or larger than Peter Jackson's 250 million dollars. I mean, think about that. I have it all outlined for an eight-part film adaptation, but, you know, I could see it for cable, too. The multi-season potential is there. You'd need the right network, of course, but that's good. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Christopher_Robin | What should happen if you forget about me? Silly old bear. I won't ever forget about you, Pooh. I promise. Not even when I'm a hundred.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Walt Disney Pictures' Christopher Robin, a whimsical family feature adapted from A.A. Milne's iconic Winnie the Pooh stories, and a film that I'll just go ahead and say serves as a powerful allegory for today's political moment. Because, honestly, I just don't have the brain space anymore to say anything else. The latest in Disney's series of live-action adaptations, the film tells the tale of Christopher Robin, now an overworked husband and father, as he reconnects with Pooh, Tigger, and all of the other denizens of Hundred Acre Wood. And what I can only see is a stirring parable about the dangers of the Trump administration because in this day and age it's impossible for me to talk about it through literally any other lens. God, I'm exhausted. Returning to the big screen for the first time since 2011, the character of Pooh, with his rotund body, orange hue, and promises of a retreat to a bygone era, is a clear stand-in for President Trump, for viewers who, like me, have had their brains completely broken by a never-ending barrage of upsetting news. Likewise, the constantly nervous piglet, brought to life with beautifully rendered CGI, epitomizes an electorate spurred by economic anxiety because we are now forced to shove every conceivable piece of art or culture we encounter into a political context. And I guess Eeyore is the Democrats because he's a donkey. Okay, let's keep going. In scenes such as this one, in which Christopher Robin becomes stuck in a tree on the border between our world and the Hundred Acre Wood, viewers can easily detect director Mark Forster's searing indictment of our country's deeply broken immigration system.
Happy? No, of course you're not. Neither am I, but here we are.
Star Ewan McGregor shines as the film's titular protagonist, who represents, I don't know, is there someone associated with the White House whose name is Christopher? Chris Wallace? Chris Christie. Okay, Christopher Robin is Chris Christie.
We are living in a never-ending nightmare. This is what it's like being a film critic now. You know, I was going to review the Melissa McCarthy vehicle, The Happy Time Murders, but I'll save you the time. It's about Trump being a puppet for the Russian government. In a house with a clock in its walls, it's an analogy for the ticking time bomb of Ben Carson as HUD secretary. And Venom is about Obamacare or something. I mean, honestly, who cares anymore? I haven't slept in weeks.
When I look in the mirror, you know what I see? I see a ghost. A ghost with two dead eyes staring out at nothing.
I'd pretty much give anything for a moment of peace, you know? Just a single, solitary fucking moment. And it's not going to happen.
I know it. You know it. This is reality now. Jesus Christ. For the Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | stop_trying_to_make_us_kiss | Okay guys, the new co-worker starts today, I gotta warn you, she's got really long hair. I mean like, scary long.
Uh oh. Oh brother! Hi!
And then we just kiss. Grant, no. It doesn't even make sense for us to kiss.
I'm subverting the genre, that's why it's funny. This seems like another pitch that's just an excuse to make out with this. Oh no, HR talked to me, I'm over that. No, this is just a silly idea. Okay, well what else you got? Um, okay, this one is a parody of an old western movie.
Help! I won't suffer you help!
No one can save you. Now, let's have a final kiss before your demise.
No! God damn it Grant, that's the same thing. And the villain and the dame don't even kiss in those movies.
I'm subverting the genre, that's why it's funny. Yes, I like that. Don't encourage him. I think it's funny! Grant, do you have any ideas that don't involve kissing? Okay, uh, this is a topical sketch, I'm not even in it.
Perfect, awesome. Yeah. That's great.
Killian, the failing New York Times is attacking me again. Sad! I blame Hillary Clinton.
You're right. What do you think, Grant O'Brien? You're so smart. Move under like a bitch. I do have a cameo. No! Fine.
It's impossible for me to kiss. Man, how are you going to eat lunch without a mouth? As a reward for your charity work and handsomeness, I grant you two mouths.
Good pitch, Katie. Yes! It doesn't even make sense! Fine. How about...
I'm just not that hungry. Come on, please. It'll mean a lot to me if you try to slice.
Grant, we made that years ago. Yes, but this time... Whether you like it or not is actually what I'm most curious about. Right, of course. I know.
Grant, these are all terrible ideas, and you're wasting our time. So we'll make the same lame observational stuff we always do. Is that what you want? Nothing exciting, nothing daring, no risks, just a bunch of boring clickbait.
Whatever. Okay, well, except for that, pretty good meeting, guys. Okay, it's Grant from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching! |
cracked | we_figured_out_which_disney_character_has_killed_the_most_people_movie_math_disney_pixar | Welcome to Movie Math, where we task our crack team of PhD-holding internet scientists to exhaustively research the questions that really matter, like how many airbags are deployed in the Fast and Furious franchise? It's less than you think. Today, we'll be looking at the house of mouse itself.
Disney, in the year of our Lord 2024, this media mega giant has its hands in almost every profitable piece of entertainment gracing your screens, from Star Wars to Song of the South. The Big D has released a truly incredible amount of entertainment since Snow White debuted in 1937. But no matter how many films, TV shows, and theme parks come along to remove the cash from your wallet, Disney maintains that they are all about family entertainment, which is funny because some of these films have pretty traumatizing moments. Ever since Bambi's mom got murked off camera, Disney films have found ways to make children of all ages cry trauma tears with cold-hearted murder. When looking at the classics of Disney's animated canon, there are numerous instances of character death.
Now, how this normally plays out is one of two ways. The main antagonist usually bites it by falling from a height so tall we can't see their beautifully animated bodies go splat. Or a main character's friend or loved one gets fridged to provide them motivation for the rest of the film. Like sidebar, the term fridge typically refers to a trope in storytelling where the death of a side character is used to motivate a main character. It comes from a 1994 Green Lantern comic where the hero's girlfriend is found mutilated and stuffed into a refrigerator. It's really cool.
During my nightly rewatch of Fantasia, the demon Chernabog summoning the spirits of the damned got me wondering what Disney hero is responsible for the most on-screen death. And listen, ever since Disney went on an acquisition spree in the 2010s, their roster of characters has reached truly staggering proportions. For that reason, we'll be focusing on the animated films only. So I don't wanna hear about how Thanos is the deadliest Disney character ever because of the little snap snap, okay? It's not what I'm talking about. We're focusing on animated heroes from beloved Disney movies murdering people, and that's it. So let's find out which Disney hero from their animated theatrical releases has done the most killing.
I'll give you a slim jim if you can guess before we reveal at the end of the video. Quick hint, it's not Mulan. You thought it was Mulan.
Before we begin, let's set a few ground rules. We're not gonna focus on incidental villain deaths like when Clayton accidentally hangs himself in Tarzan. I'm talking about actual murders. There's also the question of what we're considering murder since Disney movies have monsters, talking animals, and like sentient snow. For our purposes, let's say that anything with self-awareness counts as a living thing. Lastly, we're considering a Disney hero to be a main character. So if they only appear in one or two scenes and there's a lot of death in their history, it don't count.
Sorry, Atlantis. We're all gonna die. Okay, let's get to the math.
When combing through Disney's filmography, a lot of the flicks have little to no murder at all. Movies like Dumbo or 101 Dalmatians don't have a single on-screen death. Losers. Although, it's worth mentioning that while it doesn't have any on-screen murder, Pinocchio does have young boys being transformed into donkeys so that they can spend the rest of their lives laboring in the mines. Damn, that's hard as fuck. Maybe the most disturbing thing to ever happen in a Disney movie. After that, there are movies with death, but not murder. That's no fun. These are movies like Snow White where the Evil Queen meets her demise when a cliff she's standing on gets struck by lightning and in an early example of a Disney classic, she falls to her death. By our math, there are about nine examples of villains falling to their death in these movies. Scar from The Lion King, Claude in Hunchback, Gaston, Beauty and the Beast, Clayton in Tarzan, Gothel in Tangled, Hopper in A Bug's Life, McLeach, Rescuers Down Under, The Horned King in Black Cauldron, and finally, Charles Muntz in Up.
If we missed any, let us know in the comments. Just know, I don't read them and you can't hurt me.
Side note, how come no one gets mad at the magic mirror when they're talking about Snow White? If he hadn't been a total dick by telling the Queen that Snow White was the fairest of them all, that whole situation could have been avoided. And also, why is the Queen placing so much stock in the opinion of a mirror? He says the hottest lady around is a woman who spends all her time singing to Woodland Vermin and hanging out with dudes who have names like Sneezy, me in college. Maybe mirror guy doesn't have such objectively good taste in ladies.
He doesn't even have a neck. You can't trust a no neck. You cannot trust a no neck, I know that.
After that, we start getting into the good stuff. Good old fashioned murder, baby.
Now remember, we're trying to figure out which Disney hero has the most kills. So even though Captain Hook knocks off two of his pirates, he's not on the list. To kick things off, we have Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid who spears a giant Ursula to death with the bow of a sinking boat, which I have to say is just metal as hell. You could use a frame from that scene as Mastodon album art and I would have no nose. You also have the Beast who flails his arm after being stabbed by Gaston at the end of Beauty and the Beast. This causes Gaston to fall to his death, which is the thanks he gets for trying to save Belle from her Stockholm syndrome bestiality boyfriend. But after considering the single digit murder heroes, we quickly begin to rack up bodies. For example, there's Dash in The Incredibles. This adorable little superhero is responsible for at least three deaths during the high speed chase in the first film.
But he's only 10 years old, which means he's off to a great start. Keep it up, buddy.
You'll start putting up numbers like your dad, Mr. Incredible, who kills a total of five henchmen and main villain syndrome by throwing a car in his jet, which causes him to be sucked into the jet's turbine. He also kills his boss. Come on, there's no way that guy survives. As they say, a family that kills together stays together. We also have Finn McMissile in Cars 2 using an oil slick to cause a pursuing henchman to plummet to his death in the ocean. He later uses an elevator to squish multiple baddies, which brings his murder count to three until he uses literal bombs to blow up a sentient boat.
Seriously, what is happening in this movie? The cars are spies? Has anyone seen Cars 2?
Like, actually seen it. I don't believe you if you say you've seen it. You're lying.
Okay, then there's Hercules, who does a good deal of heroic killing. He murders the Nemean lion, Nessus, a sea monster, a minotaur, a gorgon, a bird guy, a bird guy, the cyclops, and the hydra, which I'm going to count as three. This brings the murder tally to 10 mythical monsters.
After that, we have Chicken Little. Yeah, kind of a sleeper. He opens up the film by warning the town that the sky is falling, which kicks off a series of accidents that may, at a glance, seem to be non-lethal. But once you consider that no one is shown escaping this theater when the top of the water tower rolls through the movie screen, we can safely assume that Chicken Little is indirectly responsible for killing 17 souls within the first several minutes of the movie. Thank you to Film Theory for doing the math here.
And yes, you could say it's unfair to consider this murder, and it may be something closer to manslaughter, but I don't care. I don't give a fuck about that chicken. I say he's a killer.
I'm with the cows at Chick-fil-A. Then in the film Brother Bear, it's shown that all the animals in this world are sentient creatures. During the song Welcome, the main character of Kanae joins in on the mass murder of salmon with all the other bears. Over the course of this song, over 81 fish are eaten alive. Also, Joaquin Phoenix voices an Inuit character in this movie.
Whoops. 81 deaths in three minutes. That's a lot of murder in a very short time.
But that's nothing compared to your next Disney hero. You knew she was gonna make an appearance.
Mulan, the most lethal of the Disney princesses. She may never pass for a perfect bride, but she will pass as a mass murderer. Mulan shoots a rocket into a mountainside and kills an entire army of men. Girl power. Numbers vary as to how many she actually takes out, but Business Insider states that 2000 Huns were drawn for this scene with only six of the soldiers surviving the avalanche, bringing her to a total of 1996. Fear is born. Also, Mushu kills the main antagonist, John Yoo, with a firework. And you also have to imagine everyone beneath the explosion got rained on by his innards, which is not very family friendly. But like I said, even with a literal mountain of bodies in Mulan, she still doesn't take the top spot. Nope.
For that, we'll have to go to the African Serengeti to find the true king of the heroic Disney murders. That's right, the top spot on our list goes to none other than the Lion King himself, Simba. Here's how we arrive at this conclusion. In The Lion King, Simba's father, Mufasa, gives him a famous lesson about the circle of life, where the lions eat the antelope, when the lions die, their bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. Here's the thing. Like many other Disney movies, animals are shown to be talking, thinking creatures with personalities, especially in this flick. At the beginning of the movie, all of the other animals in Africa make a pilgrimage to Pride Rock to recognize the birth of the new Lion King, Simba.
This means that not only are the other animals intelligent enough to recognize this social hierarchy, they have resigned themselves to a fate where the ruling class is literally eating them. That's right, I'm saying it. The lions in The Lion King are a monarchy that literally eats the other animals subservient to them in Africa. This is like if the British monarchy munched on the working class during tea time.
One antelope can feed about 15 lions for a week, give or take. In the film, Simba is probably about six months old by the time Mufasa dies. That means by the time Simba is having a big musical number about wanting to be king, he's already personally participated in the killing and eating of 24 antelopes. He then has three years of going vegetarian, which is lion, for only eating bugs and grubs, and then he's back to full carnivore. But Pride Rock was inspired by the African savanna, which in 1994 was populated by tens of thousands of lions. If you wanted to feed 10,000 lions, you'd need about 667 antelope to feed them for about a week. When Simba returns to his rightful place at the head of the lion monarchy, he is upholding a system that ritually sacrifices the population of his kingdom to its rulers. That means in a single year, Simba is responsible for the death of 34,684 souls.
Why hasn't anyone tried to rise up and overthrow this violent regime? All you need is to inspire a couple of elephants and like one hippopotamus, and you take down all these sick fucks. I mean, seriously, do you know how scary hippopotamus is? They will end you. Do not mess with hippos. I've been there.
That's hard as fuck.
Maybe the most. Well, if we missed any, let us know in the comments.
Just know I don't read them and you can't hurt me. As a quick aside, sorry, I can't read it. |
dropout | the_worst_starcraft_general | Base Marine Private, trained and ready for action, sir. Welcome to the Corp, soldier.
What can you tell me about General Poon Slayer 69? Is it true he's really only 16 years old? It's true. He's given up outdoor activities, social contact, even the touch of a woman to master the art of war. He sounds like a great man, sir. Will I get to meet him? Nope. Only issues orders from his parents' house in Weehawken. Sir!
The General wants us to continue full frontal flaming. A flamethrower attack! On the contrary, the General wants us to remind the enemy that he is both a gaywad and a dickweed. And that we're going to pwn his noob fag ass. Does... does that lower his morale? It mostly just pisses him off. Also, the General requests visual intimidation as well.
Sorry, what? Shouldn't we be building more troops or something? The General wisely only built enough supply depots to maintain a few troops at any given time. We'd have to lose some men to build anything else, which reminds me, the General wants a new siege tank! You... you just killed that guy!
Ah, don't worry about it. We'll be fine.
General Zurg-Lover XX probably hasn't even built his first soldier yet. ZURG-RASH!
Sergeant! Enemy ghost at 12 o'clock! We gotta take her out before she calls in a nuke! Not without the General's orders! What? That's crazy. She's right there. I'm just gonna- Stand down, soldier! Not unless the General- I've got orders! BRB? Hot pocket's done! What does that mean? I don't know. Hold up! Guys, we can dodge this!
Not like this!
Private, I need your help. How would you spell scroplicker? You put a hyphen in there? |
cracked | how_back_to_the_future_is_darker_than_rick_and_morty | Back to the future part two is the movie that most clearly demonstrates the dangers of time travel with a simple act of buying a future Sports almanac Marty McFly accidentally creates a timeline where his dad is murdered his creepy old best friend is insane and his mom suddenly Looks like she's starring in back door Vegas milfs xxx This is made doubly uncomfortable due to the fact that his mom spent the entire previous film trying to have sex with him of course all The time traveling hard takes a backseat to the part when Marty dies multiple times if you're having difficulty remembering that scene It's because it never explicitly happens, but according to a theory I believe should be credited to reddit user Hootinger Marty originally got killed in the scene where he's chased through a tunnel by Biff Tana's car only to be saved by Doc Brown through the necromancing magic of time travel here's why it's not that crazy There's actually more than enough subtle clues pointing in the direction of Biff ran Marty down in the street like a straight dog for stealing His magic book to make us wait in the car the next time a crazy old pyramid kidnaps us through history first of all this theory Actually fixes a plot hole in the movie during the climactic chase scene Marty is about to disappear beneath the tires of Biff's muscle car But it's saved at the last minute by Doc Brown who lowers a rope made of construction flags from the flying DeLorean to carry Marty to safety Biff in turn crashes into a truck full of shit because shit is funny and Biff is a terrible person Which why literally every single movie includes a scene where Biff gets covered in shit But how did Doc know exactly where and when to drop the rope he had no idea Marty was in trouble And there's no way he could have seen the chase while zooming around in the sky because Biff was chasing Marty through a tunnel the only logical explanation for Doc knowing exactly where to show up to save Marty is that he's already seen it happen meaning Marty has Already been killed by Biff in an alternate timeline Doc witnessed our plucky time-skipping hero get crushed like a denim grape beneath the wheels of Biff's Rapismobile and then use the DeLorean to go back in time and prevent the tragedy from happening for all we know what we see in the Film isn't the first time Marty has been killed Doc might be on his 176th Marty rescuing attempt which means back to the future part two could be packed with dead Marty stacked all the way to the ceiling And we would never know Thanks so much for watching that video You can click the big C in the middle if you want to subscribe hit any of those videos on the left if you want To watch more videos in the notification bell if you want to get notifications every time we have more videos I did it |
cracked | 9_child_prodigies_who_are_clearly_dangerous_mutants_cracked_tv | Welcome to Episode 10 of Crack TV, the only web series sworn to withstand the attacks of infants of merit. If you're wondering why I've had defenses crudely photoshopped into the background there, it's because today we're on alert level stork. I repeat, alert level stork! Please cock your rifles and head to the nearest preschool.
Those who fail to comply will be terminated. Isn't that right, Staff Sergeant Clippy? Oh, that's right. Clippy's dead, because he failed to comply.
There's a war on people, and it's us or them. Because while we were watching porno and eating gorditas, they were practicing, learning, getting ready to make normal humans obsolete. Who you ask? Nine child prodigies too advanced to not be deadly mutants. Sure, they look harmless, but when the crops fail and the population tops 12 billion, who do you think the euthanasia squads are going to target?
The middle-aged guy who resurfaces pools? Or the adorable Korean girl who can calculate pi to 600 digits on the flute? Meet Josh Johnson. He painted these at an age when most of us were learning to touch ourselves. But not Josh. I got inspired to start painting when I did my first piece, and I saw that God had given me a tone. Sure, Josh.
As if God's actually granted you some kind of magical power. Dear Lord, he's a superman! Apparently Josh isn't the only one God's been hanging out with. I had many visions of meeting God.
Here's a montage of Akiyana's paintings set to piano music that she herself composed. And here's a montage of my artwork set to music I composed.
We're basically screwed. The blues. It's a soulful, mournful cry that can come only from a heart-heavy with sorrow. Or a kid who just dropped his juice box. Talon T-Man Lats is so good at blues guitar, he's already got old man-face. Of course, a blues guitarist with no rhythm section is hardly a threat.
Wait for it! Did you see that kid? He's a BMX machine! Do you know how Mozart's a big deal because he composed piano pieces at age four? Yeah, apparently that's not that hard, because here's about a dozen kids doing it right now. There's this kid. This guy. Don't even get me started on this kid. This one's blind. Hey, Mozart's dad.
Guess you could've hit him a little harder after all, huh? Look, I know what you're thinking. These kids are no threat to me. They're just good at artsy crap and I own a bat. I like the sentiment, but what if that kid can jump over your fucking head?
Here's one going shot for shot with Michael Jordan. This one can run a mile in 450, which is admittedly a lot easier when you can teleport. This kid's even better at basketball than Ellen DeGeneres.
He also has the uncanny ability to make local news anchors way too excited. Wonder if that guy's always so enthusiastic.
Yo, Alda Pimp, what do you want? How about behind the back and through the legs? No. How about behind the back and through the legs every which way? No, they're not doing that. Who falls big bounces and baby bounces behind the back and through the legs? Fine, what kind of girl you're looking for? Two balls between the legs.
They're even taking away the lazy sports. Come on, kid. We just want to eat peanuts, drink beer, and hit balls with sticks. And if you don't start showing some false modesty, those balls might be attached to land and shove it. You smug son of a bitch. Now we've come to the part of the show where you start cowering in fear and sterilizing yourself by any means possible. I present The Murder Kids. Be gone, demon child! They've got the arts, sports, and fighting ability. All they need now is a leader.
Meet Moshi Akai Kavalan. Moshi's a straight A-plus college sophomore studying astrophysics in the hopes of proving the existence of wormholes. He also shit his pants every day less than ten years ago. If knowledge is power and power corrupts, this kid's basically Hitler.
His stated agenda? To discover time travel. Why? What regrettable life decisions do you ache to reverse? Do you forget to tape an episode of Arthur? Nothing's happened to you yet.
But it will. Just as soon as I fire up my laser can- No! Oh, that burns. Ah, Clippy, hand me the laser ointment.
Right. Well, I guess that's all for this week's episode. Remember, if you want to help pick next week's topic, just sneak into my room while I'm sleeping and write it in blood on my wall. But Mrs. and I just love it. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swaim. Allow me to play you out. And I'll be here for behind with the kids who're all right, the kids who're all right. |
TheOnion | Traveling_Group_Of_Medieval_Mummers_Is_America_s_Top_Pick_For_Holiday_Entertainment | Let's take a look at the hottest holiday entertainment coming your way. Obviously audiences are excited about Hugo and Arthur Christmas, but what America wants to see most this holiday season is this group of medieval Mummers, who have been delighting households across the nation with their dancing, singing, stilt walking and play-acting. With the latest scoop on the Mummers, we're joined by Autumn Stanford.
Ho ho ho, Angelique! Ho ho ho to you, Autumn!
You know what, these Mummers seem to be the hit of the season. Everyone lucky enough to have already been visited by them is raving. I know, I feel like everywhere I go it's, have you seen the Mummers and where will the Mummers go next? Mummers, Mummers, Mummers! But apparently the praise is completely deserved. These Mummers have been going door-to-door in their homemade costumes and masks, performing a show filled with dancing, poem recitals, even lute playing.
Oh, I love lute! I know, who doesn't? Angelique, there's more. These Mummers also act out a thrilling seven-minute play about St. George battling a Turkish knight. And I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say a magical apothecary arrives at the end to teach everyone a little lesson about the cycle of rebirth. Oh, no spoilers, Autumn, come on.
I'm sorry, my lips are sealed. No more.
Okay, and the show has been quite lucrative as well, right? Oh my goodness, yes, yes. During opening weekend alone, audience members threw as many silver pieces at the Mummers as they could earn in a whole month of agricultural labor.
Oh, okay, so now one character everyone is talking about is Old Father Christmas. Yeah, all the gossip sites are going gaga over this guy. He's tall, he has a sonorous voice, he can do a jaunty caper. Everyone wants to know who is under that long mask.
Now, Autumn, is he single? I don't know, but there are a lot of un-betrothed maidens asking the same thing. Well, they're gonna have to fight me for it.
Rumor adds that he might even be a landowner. They say the shoes poking out from beneath his garments just seem a little bit too nice to be those of a serf.
So, you know what? We've been hearing from fans of the Mummers all day long on our website, so take a look at this. It was a really good show. When the fool danced into my kitchen and started singing his song about the fat Duke, I was laughing so hard, I almost fainted like a milkmaid. Oh, that looks so fun. Yep, but if you want to see these Mummers, you better hope they come to your home soon. I understand rats have gotten into their wagon, so they may all die of the pox. Alright, sounds like fun for the whole family. Autumn, thank you so much for being here, and when we come back, we've got exclusive pics of the bridge Danny DeBito just purchased to live under. |
dropout | defender_of_the_basic_meets_the_april_fool | April Fool is here again, here to bring you Dukes and Japes and all kinds of merrymen! Hey, there... You're gonna get it now! No, no, no! No! Go! Get it out of here! Gotcha now, April fuck! Yeah! It's April Fuck's Day! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, very good! Thou hasten tracked me in a most comical joke! Why, why this reminds me of a perilous encounter with the dangerous up dog. What's? No! Do you have a question about the up dog?
It is I, Sir John Doe, defender of the basic champion of the play. Yeah, we know. You've been here before.
Whoa, ha ha, ha ha. Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.
That isn't real. Bye, Jove. Are you this enraged when a magician does a trick? Course it's not real. Let him have this. Come on. The map is a fiction. He happened bamboozled again. Ta-ha, ta-ha, te-te-rum. Look at his simple joy. Would you rob him of that?
These aren't jokes. They're barely pranks. They're like clumsy lies about things I don't care about. Well, perhaps here, in your gilded hall, the difference between a joke, a prank, and a lie is obvious. But to the common man, this day represents a chance for all to play the fool, even if they are truly desperately unfunny.
That's why I've given you all whoopee cushions. Really? No, you haven't hoodwinked again. Oh, fuck this guy. The fool, you have done it again. I'm the cleverest boy in the world. You are. No, he's not the cleverest boy. He's a menace.
Everywhere, all day. Yes, an entire day devoted to frivolity. I'm sorry, are we looking for less whimsy in 2019?
This is bullshit. Bullshit?
Perhaps this will brighten your spirits. It concerns a flamewar on Twitter.com between Wendy's and the Belle of Taco. My word. What happened? Oh, venom words and barbed tongues, my lord. Except. It was all agreed upon in days before.
Ha ha, it was a marketing campaign, you see, and you believed it all. Ha ha ha ha ha. I mean, it's fun to imagine that it might be real.
No, it's not. These aren't jokes. Yeah, they're half-baked commercials from disingenuous companies. So you would like powerful corporations to be more humorless? No, that's... I'm just trying to understand. They're pretending to be better than they are. I agree, many corporations are quite wicked.
Shall we go make war on them right now? Oh, we're kind of busy. That's... I don't. Busy? Oh, you have to make time to stop and smell the roses. Pfft.
Hmm? Would anyone like a whiff, hmm?
Could be a real rose. No, it's fake. Baha! She's a fake flower, you see, one that squirts and squibbles and spits out little moisture blobs.
Friends, you are entitled to your feelings, but in an age of increasing isolation, even the silliest holiday helps unite us all. To fall on our backsides, laugh at our misfortune, and rise again. What could be more human than that? I agree, and furthermore...
God!
You were not expecting that, yet you shouldn't. Every time! Can I do one? I'll try one. I like that joke, because everyone's included.
Bless this mess? Who would call their... Oh, no, no, no. A whole mess.
It's not really a joke. Come on! This day's a hoot. Hey, it's Mike Trapp.
You know, if you want to talk to the cast and crew here, you can at the exclusive Dropout Discord. It's a great place for behind-the-scenes content. And if you like behind-the-scenes, check this out. Cut. |
dropout | hardly_working_catdog_all_nighter_2012 | There was never a T-Rex in the Jurassic period.
That's ridiculous. I know. Guys, I've got an all-nighter surprise for everyone. Oh, is it a cat? Even better. You guys ever seen that show CatDog? Yeah. Yeah? Well, I've got one. What? Oh, God, what? No. What is that?
It's a cat dog. You guys have seen CatDog, right? How did you get that? One cat, one dog, one Nazi veterinarian. Oh, God, it smells like, like fucked trash. I'm going to go ahead and blame that one only on dog. He's pretty messy. Although, it could be a classic cat scheme. Meow. I mean, for all their differences, CatDog really aren't so different.
Kind of makes you think, huh? It makes me think.
You know that thing is dead, right? Are you sure you've seen CatDog on Nickelodeon, the program? We know it's a show, Murph, okay? But it was a cartoon, all right?
And that's a dead animal. A dead animal. Okay, could a dead cat dog do this?
One fine day with a wolf and a purr. A baby was born in a concert in the store. No blue buns, no three-eyed frog. Okay, not good, not a little cat.
Oh, he's fine, okay? He's fine.
And on the road, going back in town. Gotta quit it for you, CatDog. Gotta run some bubbles. Gotta try to sing it out.
Murph! Gotta sing this song, CatDog! Murph!
CatDog! What in the world is a little cat dog?
I'm not going to get sold. Let me kill those fucking animals. I never should have trusted a veterinarian. A Nazi veterinarian, okay? Don't trust Nazis. Oh, and I never should have had my other cats and dogs put to sleep just because I was excited about my cat dog.
I had so many. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, I guess it's better to have loved and lost a cat dog than never to have had a cat dog at all. That's what Shakespeare said. Thanks, guys. I feel a lot better. Peace out, Girl Scouts. Oh, God. Man, are you serious? I'm not a Girl Scout anymore. |
dropout | different_friends_to_different_people | and this is the wall I was leaning against when I came up with my catch phrase oh good morning trap Ali these are my old college chums Darren and Carolyn I was just showing them around would either of you like to try some of my freshly baked gingerbread made with spices from my garden okay yeah I'm going to go use the restroom I won't do the same Oh very good ah what is going on you don't bake yeah you never wear a suit to work your bow ties just a necktie that you nodded into a bow guys I don't know all right I do act a little bit differently when I'm not in the office but with this group of friends things just got way out of hand I can't stop what are we thinking for lunch salads ah well whatever it is it must be vegetarian vegetarian you're not that you know what never mind we're shooting that fart sketch you wrote on Thursday I beg your pardon the fart sketch the one you wrote where you fart all the time and you shit your pants cuz you farted so hard oh yes that's what's Ali's actually you're missing like six IBS sketches yeah I remember cuz you begged everyone to make the sketch no one else wanted to make it I've got a script right here fart sketch by Raphael interior office day Raphael farts so hard a plate of ribs falls from his desk to the floor Raphael damn I was gonna eat those ribs slobber up them bones okay don't recall that does not ring a bell but we could do my one about social justice sure as soon as you write one like that we'll put it on the shooting schedule we're going to get ourselves some water so all right carry on don't even recognize you without alligators all over your shoulder what's you know skin and bone you hunt alligators with this guy oh yeah we get on out there we don't know how are you friends with a Cajun delivery man what coincidentally I got this here back in for you oh yeah like good shit you come on back now yep no who are you which way is the kitchen uh down the hall to the right yep I forgot you come to the cookout on Sunday I mean oh you know I might not make it but you go in there and get your stuff Bobby yeah that'll do that this is so disturbing you're not helping would you like some water oh yes please this is like the movie split but stupid my life is torment usual yeah put some meat on them bones you skinny bastard you guys never really liked me anyway right no no you got fish these it's still good I'm Raphael from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for more fun stuff and if you could just click here it would really satisfy my OCD thanks a lot that really hit the spot |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_anne_hathaway_on_doing_nude_scenes_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Anne Hathaway! Excited, And because my new movie, Love and Other Drugs, opens Wednesday. Um, it's a real departure from the kinds of movies that I'm known for in that it contains a substantial amount of nudity.
And I have to say, the press has been all over it. I mean, well, here I am with my co-star, Jake Gyllenhaal, on the cover of this week's Entertainment Weekly. And we were also on the cover of Jet. .and the Children's magazine Highlights. Aw, that was a fun shoot.
Um, okay, let me just get this out of the way. Yes, it's very nerve-wracking to do nude scenes. but I believe that if it serves the integrity of the story, an actor should go for it. Oh, hey, Anne, sorry to interrupt. Oh, it's okay, Andy. Oh, that's all right. I have a couple of changes in the boardroom sketch. we're putting you in a curlier wig, and we're changing the name of the company to techno-tech. Oh, okay. okay, that's better. Yeah. yeah, oh, and also, we're gonna need you to be naked. Oh, um, is it important to the scene? it is so important. then I'll do it. thank you. Okay, now where was I? Oh, we're right. serving the story. Hey, Anne. hey, Bobby. hey, how are you? what's up?
Okay, in the Turkey Family sketch, we made a few changes. you're still gonna have the beak and the wathole, but other than that, you're going to be naked. Oh, like a turkey that's had all of her feathers plugged.
Oh, my gosh, that's hilarious. yeah, wait, so wait, you'll do it? Yeah. Oh, neat. Andy, it worked!
Everyone is so great here. So, anyway, if the story. Hey, Anne. the funeral sketch. Get Naked. great minds. Anyway, integrity is probably my favorite word. Anne, Anne, Oh, Anne.
Hi, Kristin. Hi. you don't have to be naked to be taken seriously as an actor. that's not why I do it, Kristin.
Like I said, it's about the craft. it's about art. it's about trust. And I really trust these guys.
Yeah, you were never gonna get naked, were you? Nah, I wasn't. I just lied to make them happy.
And that's what Thanksgiving is all about. it sure is. we have a great show for you tonight. I'm so excited to be hosting again. Florence and the Machine is here. |
TheOnion | Al_Qaeda_Populating_U_S_With_Peaceful_Decoy_Muslims | This is the Onion News Network, a 24-hour non-stop news assault. Cross-examination with Shelby Cross is one of our top programs here on the Onion News Network.
Well, yesterday Shelby warned us about Al-Qaeda's latest plot to populate America with patriotic, peaceful, decoy Muslims in order to get us to lower our guard. To explain more about this looming threat, former prosecutor Shelby joins us right now.
Hi, Brooke. Hi, Shelby.
Now, you've been telling your viewers that Al-Qaeda actually has more than 5 million decoy Muslims in our country to soften us up for their next attack. Yes, an attack they will if we don't do something. Listen, these friendly decoy Muslims are virtually everywhere, walking among us, making people think, hey, Muslims, they're just like you and me. I mean, there's no reason. It wouldn't be fair for the police to stop and question every Muslim that's out in public the way Shelby Cross is suggesting because, ooh, that would just be racist. Yeah, well, that doubt is exactly what Al-Qaeda is counting on. So, Shelby, what can we do? Well, if you see a Muslim, I say just walk straight up to them and under your breath just say, I'm on to you.
But, Shelby, you have also made it clear to your viewers that these decoy Muslims can be so sneaky that sometimes you can't even tell they're Muslim. Oh, yeah, no, they'll hide as Mexicans, as Puerto Ricans, as Vietnamese. I mean, there's absolutely nothing that would let you know that they were, in fact, secretly Muslim. Now, if a Guatemalan or a Mexican ever comes up to me, I just cuff them, I pat them down, and then I look right in the eyes and I say, hey, where are you hiding your Quran, Ahmed?
So you have to be on your guard at all times. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, listen, don't get too close to them. They're extremely dangerous in that they are very, very friendly, very easy to become friends with them. And next thing you know, hey, you could become a walking decoy Muslim. Okay, Shelby, we don't want that. So what can we do to protect ourselves?
Well, if you really suspect that you are in the presence of a decoy Muslim, the sure thing you could do is actually shoot them. Now, if they start crying out in Arabic as they die, you will know that that person is, in fact, a Muslim, and you were right. You saved yourself the unfortunate end of being blown up. If they don't cry out that way, they're not a Muslim, and you can go ahead and trust them.
Okay, but they'd be dead, Shelby. Yeah, but a dead man is the only man you can trust, you know that. Rule number one.
Yeah, okay. Thank you, Shelby. Well, I couldn't agree with you more. And I agree with you tonight on Concurrence Roundtable. You are absolutely correct. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Have I told you how vibrant you're looking lately? Excuse me, can I finish before someone says something absolutely brilliant?
The sparks fly as three experts agree entirely on solutions to the recent violence in Afghanistan. No one could even argue with that. Your logic is flawless. My logic was based on a point you made earlier. I have nothing to add to what you're saying, and I agree completely.
How can someone so handsome also make such cogent remarks? Concurrence Roundtable, tonight at 11 on The Onion News Network. |
SaturdayNightLive | david_spade_monologue_the_no_guy_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, David Spade! Hi, I'm Alex from Saturday Night Live. I was on the show for six years, and they're putting out a Dvd, the Best of David Spade, this fall.
Thank you. I'm here tonight because apparently they're two sketches short. we're hoping to pick them up. Anyway, oh, we got a question. you. yeah, are you the guy from the Capital One commercial? no. yes, I mean yes. you like those? Yeah, yeah, they're funny. the first hundred thousand times I saw it, I didn't know a no-ha was Aloha, But the second hundred thousand times I saw it, I got it. Well, that's sweet, thanks. anyone else? over here. Yeah, you're a Tommy Boy, right? All right, Tommy Boy fan. I didn't see it. But those Capital One commercials are funny. I mean, you say a no all the time, and I've been wanting to ask you, do you think you're ever gonna say yes? I might, but the Capital One Guy won't.
You know, when you play a character, you really have no control over what they say or do, like in the movie Ray. Jamie Foxx in real life, he can see, But the character he's playing, the guy Ray, he can't see or do stuff.
Anyway, so you. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So are you saying that your commercials are better than the movie Ray? they're different, you know? I don't know if one's better than the other. I mean, they both have interesting characters that you care about. I see my commercials as little 30-second movies. You see.
So what's next for the Capital One Guy? Oh, I have to keep that close to the vest. But I think people want to see what Peter Thurston is all about, that's his name. Why can't he say yes? what's in his noggin? what was it like with his parents? what's that dynamic all about? I mean, this is a guy you want to get to know. you want to hang out with, I mean, he's fun. What do you mean, so you want to hang out with you? No, I want to hang out with the Capital One Guy. so you? This is what I get for taking chances. Anyway, we have time for one more.
Yes, hi, I have a three-part question. First, is it gonna be a great show? Second, who's the musical guest? And lastly, should we stick around? I'll go in order. Yes, it's gonna be a great show. musical guest is Jack Johnson. we'll be right back, Thanks for coming. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Sydney_Sweeney_is_NOT_the_Biggest_Story_K_Rudd_Return_Serves_Doco_About_WA_Br_ | My name is Clancy Overall, I'm joined by Wendell Hussey and Errol Parker and Rhys Walsh is not as beautiful as he used to be. No, those beautiful blue eyes, well particularly one of them is now all swollen up and you can't see into him. But that's rugby league for you, you can't have three boys in rugby league. I'll tell you what is rugby league is that it's probably their best player and because he couldn't fly home they made him get the bus.
I mean that is just, surely there's someone on staff that could have flown down to Penrith and been like look here is a brand new fucking Land Cruiser from Thrifty, you are going to drive Rhys back to fucking Capalaba. Get like a strapper coach. He should have just posted on like Jamieson Town or Penrith Buy, Swap and Sell and just said anyone going to Brisbane in the next couple of days will pay petty money cash and he would have just got a lift easy. They could have asked the pilot to just fly at like 5,000 feet. Just cropped us the whole way up.
So I think they got him like a band bus right? Yeah one of those mini buses. It's not like, like he wasn't on a Murray's bus and then waiting at Central in Sydney for an hour or two to get on a Greyhound up to Brisbane I don't think. Sitting next to a schizophrenic who has just gotten out from Long Bay. No, like they're not the buses that you and I used to take into Brisbane all those years ago Clancy where you had to bring your own plastic bag to poo in and the bus driver would open the door for you and you'd chuck it out.
And they'd pull up at the Miles Road train and you have no option but to buy a melted packet of Tim Tams because that's just how it comes on the shelf in Western Queensland. Melted.
That's not an allusion to the shit in the bag is it? No, but it goes in the same way it comes out. Anyway, what is happening in Batuda? Well, we normally wrap up the bigger stories, the ones that get the most engagement. We're actually going to skip what will probably be the biggest story of the week this week because it was just a picture of Sydney Sweeney. Not really a story is it? No, there's not a lot to talk about there but you could say it's racking up the likes eh? Yeah. That was not the biggest story but one of the biggest things on the Batuda advocate this week.
Let's move on to some political news and the headline is actually a quote from Kevin Rudd which says, if I lacked intelligence, would I be able to fluently say, Tang la de, te lang pou jiang you wang, yu tata la la dui zhang, wu po te, muo douke, yi ji si zai jian yu li. Yes, quite the return of Sir from Kevin Rudd, Australia's ambassador to the United States of America. This came after the former president of the United States, Donald Trump, called the former prime minister of Australia a nasty little man who wasn't the brightest bulb. This obviously would have stung Rudd who prides himself on his incredible intellect. Yes he does and after copping it in the media all day Kevin fronted the cameras to offer up a verbal backhand down the line insinuating that if Donald Trump keeps his shit up he's going to get his boy Albo to call for both Donald and his mate Rupert to be locked up.
Then continuing saying, quote, I was the first Western leader who was bilingual in simplified Chinese. I was the only Western leader to sail from the storm of the global financial crisis that America caused without going into a recession. And once again, I can speak Chinese, one of the hardest Asian languages.
Mr Trump would struggle with Spanish and spoken by 42 million of his own citizens. Yes, he's very clever Kevin, you just have to ask him to find that out.
Moving on to a story that comes from the entertainment industry and a documentary about Western Australians has continued to break box office records. This week has been a real boost to anyone out there who is passionate about the art of documentary. That's because a small independent production by the name of June Part 2 is maintaining the number one spot on the nation's box office charts with its captivating story about the plight of the sand people of the West. The story follows multiple wealthy families warring over the stewardship of the desert and control of the WA resource sector. The film explores the themes of land dispossession, ecological destruction, and the human suffering at the hands of the bloated totalitarian mining dynasties. Yes, as Petuta film critic Alexei Touliopoulos said, not since bra boys 2007 has a documentary captured the attention of the nation. Its exploration of tribalism, violence and family power structures is astounding filmmaking.
I'm giving June Part 2 five stars, hopefully it will put WA back on the map. And Alexei has a brand new podcast out with us at the moment, the last video store. He speaks to many notable people from the industry about films and all that sort of stuff. It's very good listening.
This week it's Tony Armstrong. Yes. Tony Armstrong, the heartthrob from Melbourne. God, he's a hunk, isn't he? The Victorian leg tennis player. Turn over Tony.
Now moving on to hopefully our last Fred Again story for quite some time. The man's departure from Australia has forced a yuppie from Sydney to return to her previous personality of Chilli Margs and Barada. Yes, Clancy, a recent convert to the world of electronic dance music, or EDM, has found herself feeling a little lost this week after popular English DJ Fred Again finally left Australia to continue his surprise pop events tour in New Zealand. Because of this young Sydney woman, Casey Jarvis, who lives in the Bondi Bubbles, said that dancing in the rain to jungle has now become one of her top five life moments or core memories, as the kids say. But she's now not quite so sure of herself. She's not very sure what to do with herself ever since Fred Again left. So it's time for her to go back to her original loves and, you know, most publicised elements of her personality, which is eating burrata and drinking spicy margaritas.
Yas, Queen, slay. I believe Fred Again, the grungy DJ, is doing like this super secret pop up rave event at Eden Park. Should be pretty like underground and hectic. So, Fred Again, of our New Zealand listeners, I recommend you get around getting to that. Now, I think I knew that venue. Yeah, the Wallabies haven't won this. It's pretty secret, man. Yeah, it's a graveyard. That's how hectic it is. Now, finishing up with a story and the headline reads like this. It's just how it is.
Most politically incorrect person you know. Also the most dependable in a crisis. Ha ha ha. New research has confirmed that the one friend that says the most offensive things you've ever heard is also the one that is most likely to help you out when the going gets tough.
The results showed that a person's indifference to political correctness is usually a key indicator of their willingness to answer the phone when someone needs help. Yes, as the lead researcher of this study said, this isn't to say PC people aren't helpful in a crisis. It's just politically incorrect people are more committed to supporting people through their actions as opposed to words. They are also more likely to intervene in situations where someone might be in harm's way situations including conflict, violence or motor vehicle disputes. They act faster than most because they don't care about what would be the most diplomatic or sensitive way to act and you know, one example they gave was if your kid doesn't come home from school on time, who are you going to ask for help?
Are you going to ask your neighbour with blue hair with a fucking Zali Steggall poster or are you going to ask the neighbour on the other side of the block who doesn't know the difference between Chinese and Filipino? I think I know which would be most helpful. I reckon I'd just call the cops. Would you ask both? No, you wouldn't ask both. Okay. Because they don't work well together. What about another hypothetical Clancy? What if a big gum tree blows over and lands on your house during a storm? Do you call the teal or do you call the mouth-breathing Queensland conservative?
Absolutely the latter because he obviously owns the power tools that's going to help get you out of the bed when you've been trapped underneath them. Are you saying that lefties don't use power tools? I'm saying they use the battery powered ones. No, lefties have very expensive power tools.
The CMF EU's calling. They've got them, they just don't have use. I'll reframe this, I'm going to ask my industrial left neighbour to help me. Ah, your catters. Yeah, or just full-blown union members slash borderline snow-on-the-boots communists.
The last person I'd call if a tree fell on my house would be Bob Catter. No, you wouldn't call Bob, you'd call Robbie. I'd call Robbie and he would call the SES. You got me out of bed for this. Well, let's hope no trees fall in anyone's houses.
That's it for the week, that's all I've got for you. Anything else to add? Well, I'm off to spend the weekend playing The Sims. No you're not, you've the last weekend at P!nk. He's up to Townsville. I'm learning Simlish at the moment. Well, think about Simsies.
Ha, aruba-tak. Aruba-da. Ashkanuba-ha. Maribba-naba.
Errol needs to spend more time around NPCs because I can tell you one thing, after three months of P!nk concerts, there's one thing that P!nk fans are not and that is NPCs. They're all independent, strong women. What does that make me? Well, that makes you a voyeur. And an ally, I guess. Well, that kind of explains why every security guard has wanted to look in my backpack when I've been going into these things. So, I'm just a rock star.
What are you going to do? Oh yeah, I know exactly what you're going to do. You're going to test me for fertilizer, aren't you? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_fall_s_hottest_tips_snl | The City of New York is working with several airlines to promote New York tourism this Fall. here with some tips for visitors to the Big Apple is our City Correspondent, Stefan. Hi. Hi. hi, Stefan. hi. hi. So, Stefan, right off the bat, it's great to see you. what did you do this summer? all of it. So, Stefan, if someone is coming, relax, buddy, you're going to do great.
If someone is coming to the city this fall and wants to have the full New York experience, you know, do some fun stuff, where should they go? If you're looking for an experience, look no further. New York's hottest club is Trash. As you step through the stainless steel door through this meat packing hot spot, you'll be greeted by none other than Pierre, the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything. clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in. there's no password. at the door, just do the Cosby face. The Cosby face? yeah. well, that is nice of them to make it so easy for folks to get in. But, Stefan, what about someone who, let's say, they're coming to New York for the first time, Okay? and they want to have one of those classic, New York nights. Yes, yes, I'm with you. Okay, so where should they go? Seth, New York's hottest club is Gush. club owner Gaye Dunaway has built a fantasy world that answers the question, now? This place has everything. geeks, sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors.
And look over there in the corner. does that make Jagger? No, it's a fat kid on a slippin' slide. his knees look like biscuits, and he's ready to party. So, so I'm sorry. it wasn't, it was not Mick Jagger. No, it wasn't Mick Jagger, it was this fat kid with biscuits. Okay, gotcha. this is on double check.
Okay, Stefan, now, the reason I wrote you and asked you to come back here, I wrote you a letter, because that's the only way you'll communicate. I wrote you a letter and I asked you to come back here, because New York is really making a push, tourism push, for normal American families, you know? they are, Yes, yes. And so if you could just take a minute, you don't have to do it now, But if you could take a minute, and think of just some fun, wholesome places, not for people like you, but for visitors, American visitors from normal Middle America, we would really appreciate it.
So just don't talk until you're sure you have it. I got it already.
New York's hottest club is Push. This club has everything, ghosts, banjos, Carl Paladino, a stuck up kitten who won't sign autographs, Furkels.
Oh, do I want to know? Yes, you do. So Furkels are? Fat Urkel, right. of course they are, sure, sure they are. And after you've been with one of those guys, you'll ask yourself, did I do that? Stephon, if I were you, I would be asking myself all that time. I know, I do. Stephon, not to belabor the point, but we were looking for fun activities that a mom, a dad, a grandma, grandpa, and some kids could enjoy. right, right. you instead took us on a tour of a coked up gay candy land.
Accurate, that's accurate, that's accurate. But I think we'll have you back. Hooray! Stephon, everybody! |
TheOnion | Romney_Blames_Loss_On_Successfully_Communicating_His_Message_To_Minorities | In his first TV interview since losing the 2012 presidential election, Mitch Romney told Fox News that he blames the laws on his ability to successfully convey his message to minority voters.
The former GOP candidate reflected on the hard-fought campaign, saying, At the end of the day, we just articulated our intentions clearly and concisely to millions of African Americans and Latinos across the country.
That was our downfall.
Romney went on to explain that he felt confident in the weeks leading up to the election and was shocked to discover he struggled with minority voters.
I just flat-out failed at shielding those people from my policies.
I really feel that if I had been more secretive or vague about what I truly believe, I might be in the White House today.
The former governor said he plans to serve in an advisory role for the GOP in 2016, helping the party get back to their core strategy of confusing minorities into misinterpreting the Republican message as something that might be positive for them. |
dropout | showalter_with_michael_ian_black | My name is Michael Showalter, and you're watching the Michael Showalter Showalter. Today I'm very pleased to have as my guest comedian, author, filmmaker, pundit, and now children's book author, Michael Ian Black. And Michael, let me also add, you're a very good friend of mine, and I'm really glad that you agreed to do the show. Well thank you for having me, especially because I think I'm your first repeat guest on the Michael Showalter Showalter, and I really appreciate you helping me promote my new children's book. It's absolutely, it's my pleasure, and I would want to do anything I could to help out.
So here's the book, I'm just going to hold it up. It's called Chicken Cheeks. And you want to tell us a little bit about the book, Mike? Well, Chicken Cheeks is a fun look at animals from a slightly different perspective.
Their butts. Their butts? Oh, wow. Yeah, it's their butts. Oh. Your cameras are off? Yeah.
The, I went to Simon & Schuster's the publisher. And when I first got the deal for the book, they said, and you'll be available for a book tour. And I was like, yeah, I'll be available. I'd love to do a book tour. So it turns out, instead of the book tour, you're a mascot. The money that they were going to spend on the book tour, they spent on this.
Right, oh. And they got it used, they got it from a chicken wing place. Smell it, it smells like chicken wings. It does smell like chicken wings.
So the book is called Chicken Cheeks. And Mike, do you want to tell us, what's the book about? Well, it's about animals. And I kind of wrote it for my kids. And it's specifically about animal tushies.
I am literally dying right now. You need to take a break? If I take this off, I'm not going to get it back on, because I'm swelling up under this. I'm going into, like, prophylactic shock or something. Really? Prophylactic shock?
Yeah, like rubbers. Like that what's inside the chicken suit? That's if you wear a condom. I don't know what kind of shock I'm going with. Are you wearing a condom right now? Yes, but now there's nothing to do with the chicken suit. Oh, OK.
Having read the book, what I can tell is that essentially you picked a bunch of animals. And then you thought of words that could describe their butt. And then you kind of rhymed them. Well, some are rhymes. Some are alliteration. I think kids are going to get a big kick out of this.
Now, Mike, I want to ask you an honest question. Now, you got paid to write this book. Sure. And I just want to know, be honest, how long did it take you to write this book? I worked on this book off and on for the better part of a year.
Really? 90 minutes. OK, yeah. Probably 90 minutes of alt-alt. That's what I would have thought. Yeah. Because essentially it's just. And half of that was spelled checked.
There's probably less than 200 words in this whole book. Less than 50 words. Less than 50 words, yeah.
And I was like, it's kind of a joke. It's a scam. Such a scam.
Can I do one? Yeah. Could I do one just like about how different kinds of animals have like, penises and stuff? Sure. I already have some ideas like donkey dick and cow dick. Right. Well, those are kind of the same. I mean, you'd probably want to be.
No, but they're not the same at all. I don't know. Is a cow and a donkey the same? Gee, Mike, I don't think so. I think they're very different.
Look, I'm trying to be supportive. Elephant dick, moose dick. I would just, I mean, just do what you do, which I just think. Well, mine's a little more clever than that.
I'm hoping to go to a bunch of stores and read to kids and have a great time with it. And you know, I got into this because of my own kids. But I'm hoping that it's going to appeal to every kid. And have your kids read the book yet?
Do they know about it? They love it. They think it's great. They think it's really funny.
Oh, I bet. I can only imagine. Off the record. Right. They don't give a shit. He and my wife walked out. I mean, we talked about this. So she's got the kids.
They went to Tampa. And I mean, she doesn't even know anybody in Tampa. But she just was like, I want a fresh start.
I'm going to take lifeguarding classes. And I was like, you're 40 years old. You're going to become a lifeguard.
It's terrible.
So the kid, I don't even know where the kids are living. She won't give me the address. I know they're in an apartment complex somewhere.
And I haven't talked to them in weeks. I sent them a copy of the book. I didn't hear back.
What about the drinking? Mine or hers? Yours. It's very cute.
Open up to a random page, and I'll show you. All right, I'll just open to any. I'm just flipping to any random page.
Dear Rea. And what about the pills? Because I noticed that when you came over the other day for brunch, when I opened my medicine cabinet, I noticed that my Percocets were missing. I wanted to ask you if maybe when you went into the bathroom for two hours, you took any of them. Mm-mm. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't take my Percocets? Mike, I didn't take your Percocets.
That day, I was in, you know I have back pain. I know you say you have back pain. I was in horrible, horrible back pain that day. I was under a lot of strain.
It seemed fine when we were playing touch football. You seemed fine. Because I had taken the Percocets.
My guest, Michael Ian Black, thank you for joining us. Thank you. The book is called Chicken Cheeks, and it hits the stands January 6. And it's coming out on Simon & Schuster. And I think it's a really great book. Thanks for doing the show, Mike. Well, thank you.
Blop, blop, blop. I'm itching. I'm dying. You look terrible. Oh! |
ClickHole | powerful_these_veterans_recount_the_heroics_of_the_one_lifeguard_who_was_on_duty_during_d_day | I remember getting off the boat and landing in about waist-deep water. German artillery fire all around me. It was chaos. Suddenly, I look up and see this lifeguard on the beach blowing his whistle. He looks at me and says into his megaphone, You're outside the designated swimming area. Please return to the other side of the red buoy. That probably saved my life. Omaha Beach ran about five miles long, and there was fighting across every inch of it. In the midst of it all was this incredibly tan and fit lifeguard sitting in his big tall chair and keeping watch over the whole beach. The invasion called for an amphibious landing, but a lot of us were not great swimmers.
The lifeguard sees us out there thrashing around in the surf with bullets raining down on us, and he starts moving his arms and saying, Spread the peanut butter, ride the bicycle. Spread the peanut butter, ride the bicycle.
Suddenly we realized he was teaching us how to tread water. God knows how many lives he saved. At one point during our initial landing, the lifeguard thought he saw a shark, so we made everyone get out of the water until he could check it out. Turned out to just be a German submarine, so he let us back in.
His dedication to physical fitness was truly something to behold. There could be German mortars exploding left and right, and that wouldn't stop him from going for a jog. He was in great shape. If we had been in half as good shape as that lifeguard, the war would have been over in a month.
I was scrambling up the face of this cliff and trying to get the higher ground, and I stepped right into a nest of German gunners. Just as they were about to light me up, I heard the lifeguard blow his whistle and say, Hey there, guys, no climbing on the rocks. Come back down to the beach. So we all stopped fighting for a second to move down to the dunes. And once we got there, I was able to get my gun out first and shoot them all dead.
Safety was his number one priority. He was always looking out for everyone, even in the midst of complete chaos and carnage.
I learned that day what blood smells like when it's been baking in the sun for hours. I also learned how to properly apply sunscreen. A lot of our guys wouldn't have made it off the beach if that lifeguard hadn't taught us to lather, not slather, and to make sure to reapply every hour.
He was a better man than me. When the fighting settled down around nighttime, I started a fire on the beach to warm us up. That was not okay, I guess. The lifeguard issued me a $200 citation and banned me for life from Omaha Beach right then and there, no warning or nothing. At the time, I didn't understand it, but I sure as hell respected it.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about that lifeguard's heroism. Hell of a guy. Just a real hero. I would love to go back there and pay my respects to the incredible lifeguard that helped so many of us on that fateful day, but sadly I can't do that because that lifeguard banned me from Omaha Beach for building an illegal bonfire in the sand, and that's a shame, because he really was the greatest man I've ever known. |
cracked | the_awful_spider_man_movie_james_cameron_almost_made | Hello, internet. I'm Daniel O'Brien. Welcome to the first episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, a show that takes a look at your favorite movies, TV shows, songs, and pop culture artifacts, and asks, but wouldn't it be better if I ruined them? Today's episode explores, do something in your mind for me. Combine the director of Terminator 2, Marvel's most popular superhero, millions of dollars, and like the medium of film, I guess. And tell me what you get.
That's right, an awesome and bad ass Spider-Man movie. Now, most people would love a James Cameron Helms Spider-Man movie, but what most people don't know is that back in the 90s, we almost had that. And what like six people know is that it would have been the worst Spider-Man movie ever dreamed up by man. This is for you. Yeah, even worse than that one. In 1993, James Cameron was hired to make a Spider-Man movie, but the studio would not pay him a dime of his three million dollar fee until he handed in a screenplay. So Cameron quickly crapped out a screenplay for Spider-Man so bad that it makes Rainey's third piece of shit Spider-Man look good.
Very good. So good. Pretty good.
As far as keeping things consistent with the comics, Cameron made a few small nitpicky changes. Doctor Octopus is actually a professor for one. Peter Parker gets his powers in college instead of high school for another. There are also some larger changes.
Professor Octopus was also bitten by a radioactive spider, says Okey Dokey, as a catch phrase, has an assistant slash henchman named Weiner, no last name given, and occasionally calls himself Spider-Man. Who the hell are you? Spider-Man. That's a lot of crap. Come on, I am Spider-Man. Not you. I'm a good friend of Peter Parker's. Hey, you jerk. You phony Spider-Man.
Prepare to meet your death, bub. Actually, I'm quite fond of living, especially now. No. I must kill you, Crainer. That's good.
Over here, Octopus. That is Professor Octopus to you, Spider-Jerk. First of all, no, it's Doctor Octopus.
And second of all, also, no, didn't you say your name was Spider-Man? You just said your name was Spider-Man.
I don't know why I'm waiting for an answer from the reenactors. Those guys are slaves to the page, total pros. Yeah, okey dokey. I wouldn't call the screenplays dialogue great or good or dialogue if I'm being truthful. I would call it whatever you get when you feed your dog a bunch of Scrabble tiles and then write a screenplay based on what he poops.
But I don't think we have a word for that yet. I'm certain we don't. I would know about it if we did. I would make it my business to know that word.
Octopus calls his students Kindless Adolescence, his boss, the dumbest administrator, and science, the study of the forces. Also, the plot of this movie revolves around Dr. Fesser Spiderpuss trying to steal a physics paper away from Peter Parker so he can complete his research. That's the conflict of the movie. He has no qualms with Spider-Man. He only attacks Spider-Man to get to Peter Parker because he knows they're friends. That's literally the opposite of what a good Spider-Man movie should do. I want you to find your friend Spider-Man. Tell him to meet me at the West Side Tower at three o'clock. When Octopus finally does get his hands on Parker's physics paper, he uses the information contained therein to conduct an experiment that will, no question, absolutely destroy the world. That's his plan, doesn't want to rule it, just wants to destroy it, even though he's on it, because he wants to visit real God's heaven. The movie ends when the science lab, where Octopus was fighting Spider-Man and doing science, separates from the Earth and flies into space in accordance with Octopus's experiment because science, as you will call, is the study of the forces.
Spider-Man escapes the building to safety, having taken very little action to actually save anything, and Octopus dies in flight because houses aren't meant for space travel. So that's the James Cameron Spider-Man movie we never got to see. If there's a lesson here, I guess it would be, don't tell James Cameron you're not paying him his money until he turns into script because he will take money over a screenplay he could be proud of any day of the shark week. Also, houses aren't built for space travel.
That's the other lesson. So got him. Okie dokie, that's all for this week.
Tune in next time when our topic will be, which political parties the Smurfs don't represent. I've been your host Daniel O'Brien, and I'm sorry if I've ruined James Cameron.
Hey gang, limited time off. If you subscribe to our YouTube channel right now, I will give you whatever's in my pockets. Other than my wallet, of course, that's my identification. I need that to get home. Let's see what's been sitting on this whole time. Those are car keys. So no, you could have, okay, yes, CVS extra care card. |
dropout | i_swear_i_didn_t_wreck_the_bathroom_hardly_working | I just gotta wash my hands. You okay in there? Get him in there. Gotta do more of the dirty business. Yeah!
You need something weird? Or, uh... Mark just ruined this! You need something weird? Or, uh...
Mark just ruined this bathroom! Everyone's going to think you did it.
No!
I was just washing my hands and you're in here and... What the fuck are you?
It doesn't matter what I am! All that matters is everyone is going to think you did it!
Yes! Goodbye! Oh! Oh, God!
Zach, what did you do? No, it wasn't me.
It was a goblin. Oh, it was a goblin?
Come on! You are disgusting! What did you eat? Like a milk and broccoli burrito?
No! God!
What the fuck happened in here? Zach, you went insane and shit the worst kind of shit everywhere.
I was just washing my hands. I didn't even use the bathroom. I can feel my eyes burning.
But it wasn't me! He says a goblin did it. Is that the best you can do, seriously? Fuck, man. Oh, God! It smelled so rank in here that I had to come check it out. Yeah, Zach's ass exploded or something. I don't know. Oh, it's all over you. There we have it. You know, undeniable proof. No, it wasn't me. It was him. He did it. Grant, normally that would make perfect sense. But you're the only one in here, Zach. It was you. You're weak. Oh, my God. Guys, I just looked it up in Zach. This actually makes you a sexual predator. Oh, that is it.
You have to go.
Yeah. Who does that as an adult? Right?
Well, crazy that that's the last we'll ever see of Zach, and that this was his legacy. |
SaturdayNightLive | chris_parnell_sings_to_jennifer_garner_saturday_night_live | Here now with the breaking story is her own Chris Parnell. Oh, well, as most of our viewers know, Jennifer Garner, our amazingly lovely and talented host this evening, is the star of Alias, on which she plays a globe-hopping Cia secret Agent. Now, if you've ever wondered why she's so darn believable on the show, well, it's because she actually does work for the Cia.
And as a matter of fact, so do I. wait, wait, wait. hold on. hold on. you're saying that you and Jennifer are secret agents? That's right. Also, she's my lover. and I want Jennifer and the world to know that the love and adventure we share as we travel the world together on secret missions, well, it means everything to me. So, Jen, this is my Valentine's gift to you. Yo, check it out. This is the untold story of our secret lives, how it all began in Cairo, ancient city. that's where we met when I parachuted in from my private jet. she was chilling by some ruins like Cleopatra soaked in sweat. she said the code words, I want you.
I just said, I'll bet. I'll bet you do, Biatch.
I'm Agent Mcp. you must be Jennifer G. Wee Wee said she and damn, I like what I see. let me take it for a ride by the Nile in my home feed. you can take me for a ride, girl. So we cruised to the Pyramid of Khufu. she stopped the jeep, removed her robe, and said, come here, boo. I wasn't one to argue. got up on her like kudzu, glassed into the rear view. said, baby, we got some company. it's time to do some kung fu. And if you ain't never seen this girl do kung fu, you ain't never seen it done right. in Cairo, we stand bull in Tokyo. she's my hoe. I'm her beau, don't you know? we got slow. and when we're not working, we jump on through my yard and go. Drink Bordeaux, eat escargot. just take it slow, Oh, oh, oh. Now back to the Pyramid of Khufu, where the mercenaries are about to attack. So wearing only a smile, she stepped into the sun and distracted the fools while I retrieved my gun and sent a firestorm of bullets into everyone till every Merc was dead, because they disrupted our fun. Back in the Hummer, we got a little hardcore that had to go and explore. quickly found a hidden artifact that we were there for, delivered the package at Alexandria that night, slept on my yacht, set sail, first light. she says, boo, where should we go?
Shorty, I don't know. but as long as you with me, baby, I'm all right. Jennifer G, as long as you with me, Mcp, everything is going to be all right. in Cairo, Istanbul, and Tokyo, she's my Ho. I'm her beau, don't you know? We got flow. And when we're not working, we jump onto my yacht and go. drink Bordeaux, eat escargot. just take it slow, oh, oh, oh. that's how we do it. we take it slow, Oh, oh, oh. you know you always be my bitch, girl, yeah.
Chris, have you lost your mind? Yeah, Jennifer, I'm really sorry about this. Chris has a very active and creepy imagination. Look, for the record, I met Chris Parnell five days ago. we are not lovers, we do not work for the Cia, and we certainly don't travel the world in his yacht. of course we don't, it was just a joke. Sorry, everyone. you're gonna completely blow our cover. I said I was sorry.
Chris Parnell and Jennifer Garner, everybody. wig it up, Kate, on to the fellas. All right. |
TheOnion | It_s_Time_To_Have_A_National_Dialogue_About_Race_Cars | Alright, folks, I want to take some time to talk about something I think is very important. I think it's time we finally had a national dialogue about race cars. Now, I know for a lot of people this is a touchy subject. It's the elephant in the room.
But race cars are a part of American life whether we want to acknowledge it or not. Look online or on TV. There's race cars. But here's the thing. Race cars are just a human construct. God didn't make race cars.
We did. So it doesn't matter what name you ascribe to them. Whether they're Formula One or Dragster, at the end of the day they all just want to cross that finish line. Call me a romantic. But I just think that race cars have far more in common than divides them. And we need to work together so that everyone can go super, super fast. And it all starts with talking about it. We'll be back after this break.
Okay, NBA season starts in just a few days with a blockbuster matchup between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Boston Celtics. Everyone's talking about it, so what I want to know. What are the odds we see the Celtics and Cavaliers meet again during the regular season? I have no way of seeing into the future, and I've certainly been wrong with my NBA predictions before, but right now I put the odds of these two playing again before the All-Star break at around 50-50. Both of these teams are stacked, and it's what the fans want to see. But then again, this is the NBA. So I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't happen. All I'm saying is if I'm a Cavs fan, I'd wait a little while before booking my flight to Boston in December.
Okay, when we come back, can someone teach me how to put a second caller on hold? |
dropout | collegehumor_passes_the_bechdel_test_all_nighter | College Humor's All Nighter! Oh my god! I just realized, now that there's two of us, we can finally do a video that passes the Bechdel test. Oh my god, that's crazy! Yeah!
A few of the rules again, though? Okay, so it has to have two women in it. Right, done. They talk to each other. Yep, doing it, right now. About something other than a man.
Oh my god, that's so easy! Yeah! Alright, let's do it! Okay!
Okay, what, no. You know, as soon as you said men, all I could think about was men. It's like when someone's like, don't think about pandas. Right. So then, of course, you think about men. All the time. So that's why I hate rats. Yeah.
Oh, I really like your shoes. Thank you, I love your shirt. Thank you, I got it from Murph.
I wonder who a running mate will be. Oh my god, I hope it's Bernie Sanders.
Do you have any pets? No. Do you have any pets? No.
Hey. Steve Urkel. Okay, I just said that to end the conversation. Oh my god, thank god, I had nothing to say.
You know, Miley Cyrus actually has like a great voice. Yes, she does, and she gets no credit for it. It's like so unfair, I think. I also, I think she's one of my favorite. Miley, she's totally grown up.
Is that a yes or? Yes, why are you stealing this from him? Cause I need it eventually. So entitled. You know, man, gross. Okay, it shouldn't be bad if we're criticizing, man. So, you should reevaluate that. Yeah.
Hit me. Oh man! Dude! Will you just come on guys? Oh my god! Okay, first of all, God could be a woman. Thank you. We can do this, we can do this. Anybody want some grapes? Oh my god, Evan!
You need to leave! Get out! What is that buzzer? It means you need to leave!
Oh my god! Seriously, men are gross.
Actually, he's my friend. Yeah, mine too. Oh, Katie, come in here.
We're trying to pass the back down test. So you can help us. I came to tell you guys to stop that buzzing noise Sam's napping. I hope Sue failed. Well, it turns out passing the back down test isn't as easy as we thought. But you know what else didn't pass the back down test? Gravity.
Oh, I didn't see that one. Oh, me neither. |
SaturdayNightLive | thanksgiving_week_airport_parade_snl | Live from Gate 78 in Terminal C, it's the Hudson News. Thanksgiving Week Airport Parade. it's chaos, it's mayhem, and everyone's afraid. it's the Thanksgiving Week Airport Parade!
Well, it's the busiest travel week of the year, and as always, the parade will draw thousands of travelers. Umberto, who can we expect to see on the route this year? Well, some new appearances, as well as some timeless classics, And here's one now. up first, it's a couple on their last Thanksgiving trip together.
Babe, can you just not be vegan for like one day? Oh my God, don't. turkey is barely a meat. don't! And you don't get enough protein. my side is don't. sounds like he better don't.
Next, an airport staple. it's a woman with service animals she clearly doesn't need. Wow, ma'am, you are really going for it this year. Three Dogs?
Yeah, this one's for my rosacea, this one's for my eczema, and this one's for my anxiety. And why do you have anxiety?
I'm traveling with Three Dogs! of course. let's throw it over to the parade staging area, aka the bar at Chili's to go, with our parade correspondent, Captain Gary Rogers. Gary. thanks, Alberto. Ooh, Chartreuse. you're looking good. you like my stripes? Oh, yeah, I sure do. me and Captain Gary got a little flirtation going on, okay? I'm trying to be a tap in the cabin. And just so you know, I give every woman I sleep with one of these nice little wing pins. yuck, those are supposed to be for kids. All right, coming up now is a Tsa agent shouting the same thing twelve different ways.
Laptop out the bag. Laptop out the bag. if you got a laptop in the bag, I don't have to take it on out. it's like he's stuck on loop. Sir, are you enjoying the parade? Laptop out the bag. wonderful.
Next up, you may think this is a float based on how she slowly she's moving, but it's actually a woman who took her ambient a little too early. Do Not Let Me Order a wine. Oh, wait. looks like we're getting an audience question for Captain Gary. Gary, what are your Thanksgiving plans?
Spending at home in my apartment with the 14 other pilots. Oh, a man with roommates. that's my type. That's my type.
And we're now entering the family portion of the parade. Yes, it's a gentle parenting father and his out of control evil child. Hannah, sweetie, your feelings are valid, but daddy wonders if there's a more productive way to express yourself, because we want to have a good Thanksgiving, right? screw you, bitch.
Captain Gary, what you got, cooking? I'm here with a guy who wants to pat down for all the wrong reasons. you can use the front of your hand if you want. why would I want that? Brother, I like your style. ooh, yikes, structures. I hope Captain Rogers isn't about to fly, but if he is, I pray my ex-boyfriend is on the flight. I won't say his name, because I'm classy, so I'll just flash his name on the screen.
And whoa, look. it's an airport parade mainstay. woman who refuses to check a bag. 75 damn dollars to check a bag. that ticket to Boston was only 40 damn dollars. make that make damn sense. Well, damn. looks like it's time for our grand finale. it's the biggest star of the parade, woman who's about to go viral. I am telling you that. Yo, this video don't go viral on black twitter and white twitter. Oh, now we have one last surprise performance by the only people who are happy to be working this week. it's the gay flight attendants who are estranged from their family. my chosen family is my co-workers, and my chosen home is Mikado. Hey, well, we've had a lovely Thanksgiving week airport parade, haven't we, Chartreuse? wait, where'd Chartreuse go? She was getting her wings. damn it. you two, people use that room for breastfeeding. so did he. All right, we got to sing ourselves out. let's go. be sure to remember, we're back in December for the Christmas Week airport Parade. |
TheOnion | Reporter_Goes_Undercover_In_Chinatown_By_Wearing_Silk_Robe | Chinatown, New York. It's one of the busiest hubs of counterfeit goods in the world, where an underground network of Chinese bootleggers operates in the shadows, costing the U.S. an estimated $300 million each year. How does this network of smugglers manage to evade law enforcement? The Special Investigative Undercover Response Team was about to find out. If I was going to infiltrate the counterfeiters, I had to become one of them. With the help of the Special Investigative Undercover Response Team, I disguised myself as an average Chinese person and rigged my glasses with a hidden camera to catch all the action.
It was clear I'd have to look elsewhere for answers. I was being stonewalled. But why? I spoke with sociologist David Kim about my difficulty infiltrating the Chinese counterfeit underbelly. It's extremely offensive. Wow. I see. What a mustache. The sociologist helped me see that dressing like just another average Chinese citizen wasn't going to get me anywhere. In order to get answers, I knew I had to take a new tactic, appealing to man's most carnal desires. Hey boy, you like what you see, you like Not again.
Get away. You don't know me? My name Cherry Pie. No, you're not. Get out of here. You want Saki Saki?
I'm calling the police. I was arrested for prostitution. For The Onion News Network, I'm Gavin Fisher. |
dropout | vibrator_boyfriend | Let's the... Vagisaurus... ...demolisher It's one of our best sellers I don't know All these robotic toys I guess I'm just more into the emotional side of it all I think I have something you might like Making you feel good makes me feel good How are... How are you?
Shh, it's okay You look stunning in that camisole You're like a painting Thanks Those are azaleas, aren't they? I love azaleas I know They remind me of my childhood They remind me of my childhood You were amazing Can I do something for you?
No, tonight was all about you I'm happy just sleeping beside you How did you... Shh Frittata Made with soy milk Because I know the lactose is tough on your tummy tum Yo, what are we doing today? Well, I have to go to work Oh What's wrong? Oh, no, no, I just thought we could I don't know You should go to work, that's cool I'll just hang out, dabble in the sock drawer Chill with the hair straightener It's fine Totes Okay Hello Hey boo boo It's Yogi Bear How are you?
I'm thinking about you Vibrator? Yeah, you want to grab a bunch of carmines?
I've... I've got to go I love you Show me where you want me to go You're doing fine You never make any noise, so Does this feel good?
How about this? Better or worse? Should I talk dirty? You're Santa's little bitch You're ruining it Well, I'm sorry that I want to make you feel incredible Never mind I'm going to bed What the f**k is this?
Who's that? Oh, you didn't even tell him about me? He's just a friend Oh, I see Are we just friends?
You used me! That's the whole point I'm gonna call your mother And I'm gonna tell him what a whore you are You wet piece of flesh! You're disgusting! I can't believe he did this to me He used to be a teen I am so sorry No, I'm not gonna be the other man Not again Oh, come on It was your roommate and it was one time One time |
cracked | why_the_game_and_christmas_carol_are_the_same_movie_today_s_topic | uh yeah no i can pick it up uh like 10 for a package or something like that i don't know why it's so few i'm just sort of throwing out numbers so maybe the pork industry is greedy i'm not a ham expert mom mom i'm not a ham expert i'm not a ham expert i'm gonna have to call you from the store okay i i'll do that oh me too the old holiday get together i'm spending this holiday under my desk with my ipad in a bottle of old crow man you're being a real van orton you know that oh what you know man who hates celebrations and just wants to work all the time van orton from the game what game the game you know the 1997 holiday film directed by david fincher i can't believe you've never seen the game what are you kwon zee's kwon zonien it's not a thing it's the one with the you know the old guy the old codger who learns to be charitable and enjoy life after he gets haunted by the ghost of his past present and future my family and i watch it every year it's just a christmas carol you're confusing a 90s thriller with the charles dickens novella what no what i can't believe you haven't seen the game it's a holiday classic okay so michael douglas plays nicholas van orton a millionaire lonely banker who lives by himself in this big empty house and makes all of his employees work stupid hours but on top of that he's a cold-hearted penis man who just avoids all of his family's attempts to try to reach out to him your ex-wife i know who it is take a message he hates charity and he's obsessed with the bottom line to the point where he's basically a monster to one of his oldest employees it's to ask you to step down you promised to meet the projections and some $1.60 shares what you said i don't think this visit comes as a surprise everything you're describing just sounds like evaneezer scrooge there's no way you don't know what i'm talking about you're talking saying the game is a christmas movie but they don't mention christmas in the movie once so you would have had to have known that there's this connection between the game and the much more popular a christmas carol tom so van orton's brother signs him up for this elaborate game on his 48th birthday which just so happens to be the same age their father was when he committed suicide by sailing off the roof of the family house with the olympic gold medal for traumatizing your children question his teeth furthermore the father is presented as being basically the same kind of guy that van orton has grown up to be the father's death and age is representative of the loneliness that he now feels so consequently when van orton's game starts it's marked by the discovery of this fake scary birthday clown laying outside of his house directly in the spot where his father he splat you know where he died beginning of a christmas carol scrooge sees his dead business partner's face in the knocker outside his home we're talking about my thing right now already van orton's been visited by the painful past that made him man he is today he's confronted by his wife happy birthday he's pranked by his brother what's his name a mr. see more butts and then finally reminded of the death of the emotionally distant father just another birthday that's right he was 48 wasn't he I hadn't really thought about until now as a game progresses he meets a woman named christine who represents all the waitresses and drivers and all the common folk who he interacts with on a daily basis but christine forced him to actually start interacting with the rest of humanity and he realizes that despite their lower social status these grimy market goers are actually more happy and alive than he's ever been he also sees his old employee who despite all of the misery that van orton has laid upon him is still happy and surrounded by a loving family you're just describing stage two right now is that the strip club on third it's fucking part in a christmas carol where the ghost of christmas present shows scrooge all the common folk in the marketplace he sees bob cratchit this loving family it's the name tiny tim ring a bell tom that's the strip club on third just just do your thing okay so in the end van orton finds himself penniless and alone and in a grave in mexico he's being forced to see a world that he's no longer in a world where he's powerless and ultimately forgotten so you could say that he's seeing what's yet to come yeah exactly that's actually a really good way of phrasing you should probably write that down and use it in something something good anyway van orton's finally seeing what his life is going to be if he continues living the way that he does lonely powerless and forgotten but not before thinking he shot his brother and then being tricked into committing suicide it all turns out to be part of the incredibly dick-faced rich guy larping experience that his brother signed him up for but amazingly instead of punching his brother directly in the throat van orton realizes that he wants to spend the rest of his life making meaningful connections with his friends and family the film ends with him actually going out to that long time employee that he wrong and trying to make amends and then the employee's kid pops up and says and god bless us every world no why would that happen because you're describing the plot of a Christmas carol and you know it and i just want you to say that you know it because otherwise you and your family are insane for thinking that the game is a christmas movie i say man every family has their own traditions you and your family eat ham and watch a christmas carol me and my family standing people's driveways dressed up like clowns different strokes but hey we're talking about traditions merry christmas buckaroo i sure did thank you what is this a key happy holidays you humbug you said humbug see you know the movie in the story i was right happy holidays you dopes click the like button and subscribe if you forgive me for calling you dope just now and then leave a comment on what your favorite christmas movie is it's not actually a christmas movie right like die hard but not don't say die hard because that's the one that everybody says just say something like jaws of revenge because that kid gets eaten while they're all singing the first noel and that's all i can ever associate with that song now so give us your version of that story that i just said give a real life story when you read my chart yeah just the most depressing christmas you ever had tell us |
TheOnion | Gymnast_Shawn_Johnson_Put_To_Sleep_After_Breaking_Leg | Sad news to tell you about from the world of sports Gymnast Shawn Johnson who won all of our hearts at last year's Olympics when she brought home that gold medal while she was practicing last night On the uneven bars and broke her knee doctors on the scene determined the injury would be a career Ender for Miss Johnson and minutes later her parents made the difficult decision to euthanize her She was just 17 with us now are Shawn's parents Doug and Terry it must be such a hard time for you It is Tracy it's tough whenever you have to put a gymnast to sleep But we've been watching Shawn develop as a gymnast for so long. It really feels like we're losing a friend Yes, we considered her to be a part of the family Now a lot of people probably don't understand why it's necessary to euthanize a gymnast when something like this happen We understand that this is tough on Shawn's fans, too But even if she had regained the strength in that leg, she would have still been too skittish to ever compete again So it just didn't make sense to keep her alive plus it's very expensive to keep a lame Oh, no doubt. Well, you must have so many wonderful memories of Shawn. Yes all those Mornings, I would wake her up before dawn and lead her down to the track and exercise her Oh, that's so sweet. I'll never forget the way she looked with the steam just rising off her body in those cold morning She really was beautiful. I mean those those teeth and those eyes her hindquarters were so strong And she never tried to buck when we fit the training harness on her now Doug Can you tell me what were Shawn's final moments? Like, you know, she was thrashing out on the mat and Making a lot of noise. We couldn't really bear to see her like that So when the doctors showed up, we just told them, you know, do what you need to do, but she wasn't in any pain Oh, no, no, no, she was not in pain. It was just a quick shot to the back of the head I do understand that you're starting a foundation in Shawn's honor. Yeah Shawn was only 17 years old So we never got to breed her right but the foundation is gonna give some lucky four-year-old a chance to move into Shawn's stall And train at our facility In fact, we're planning on naming our next gymnast spirit of Shawn. Oh, that's great. Yeah, sweet Doug and Terry Thank you so much for spending this difficult time with us And you stay tuned because coming up after the break our medical experts gonna join us and tell us about some sexy surgeries for fall |
cracked | some_news_congress_repeals_obamacare_internet_puts_up_fake_news_more | Hey you, welcome to some news. I am a news person.
An Oregon man has been accused of sexually assaulting a chicken this week, right after being accused of sexually peppering it.
Oh, really? That's the first one? Right off the bat. Okay.
After a slew of PR oopsie goofs, like dragging a doctor off a purchase flight until his face bled from his face, and other hits like, It's Raining a Scorpion, United Airlines has been upstaged by other airlines, because airlines are bad. So let's check in with our random airline customer service nightmare headline generator. Mmm, there it goes. Delta boots family from flight after father tries to use purchased seat for infant son. And that seems made up.
No? Exaggerated though. No?
God.
When the Delta employee says the man and his wife are going to go to jail and their kids will go into foster care, the Delta employee says in the video, it is a federal offense for a child under two to sit in a safety seat in an empty seat. And according to the Delta website, for kids under the age of two, they recommend you purchase a seat on the aircraft and use an approved child safety seat.
So okay. Next. Atlantic woman bound and forced off Atlantic Airlines plane and left on island. That sounds made up. Oh, it is. Good. Alright. Let's do the real one. British Airways accused of tying up passenger with diabetes, abandoning them on a tiny Portuguese island. That's better? Oh, okay. Yeah.
So, in the article, it describes how they made him defecate in his seat, and when a woman tried to defend him, they kicked her off too.
But on the bright side, something, somewhere, maybe. Abolish humans. Or capitalism, I don't know. Abolish something.
Speaking of abolishment, earlier this week, the President of the United States claimed that the Civil War was easily avoidable and then questioned why it even happened. Quote, people don't ask that question, but why was there a Civil War? Perhaps the truest thing President Trump has ever said, people don't ask that question.
And now a segment we like to call, is this a joke? The city of Flint, Michigan has sent over 8,002 letters to residents so that they may collect $5.8 million in unpaid water bills, which could lead to those residents losing their homes for not paying the bills for their very poisoned water. Is this a joke? No, of course not, because the news is a parody of itself. I mean, it is a joke, but the sick kind.
Speaking of sick, the Republican Congress has passed a bill to repeal and replace Obamacare with legislation that could lose health care for millions of Americans and would consider being sexually assaulted, getting a C-section and postpartum depression of pre-existing conditions, making it more difficult to get insurance and keep costs low. The list of pre-existing conditions seemingly targets women, especially considering it doesn't include erectile dysfunction, but it does include things like acne, heartburn, back pain, asthma, hay fever, and hives. So don't worry, it also targets all humans who experience human things. The clause in the MacArthur Amendment in the bill reads, Nothing in this act shall be construed as permitting health insurance insurers to limit access to health coverage for individuals with pre-existing conditions.
In other words, we're not saying you can. Just say they can't. You sneaky fucks.
Many critics of the bill claim, quote, People will die. But Congress won't for a long time, because the bill is so bad that they made sure to exclude themselves from it. Good thing, because before the vote, Representative Jason Shavets had surgery in his foot for a pre-existing condition after injuring it 12 years ago while pulling himself up by his own bootstraps. Thanks to being excluded from this law, he was able to afford it. Unlike many other people, sorry, lots of... most people.
But hey, look how happy they are. Whoa!
Where's the rich old white man taking away women's health care?
Nope. Not. No. Not. Nope. Ah.
He's there somewhere. Perhaps the most poignant moment was when the president said this. Hey, I'm president.
Can you believe it? That's a good question. And now a last minute installment of Is This a Joke?
Because on Thursday, when the GOP voted to take away people's health care, a President Trump tweet from 2014 reemerged and read, and this isn't a joke, it's Thursday. How many people have lost their health care today?
Is this a joke? It's pretty good. It's like... This is a pretty good joke. That is... tragically ridiculous. This has been Is This a Joke?
But enough about the actual president of an actual country. This isn't a Trump bashing show.
For example, as the bill passed, Democrats sang in celebration because they think Republicans will lose their seats in 2018 due to this bad vote. Hey, hey, hey. People will die. Cheering says good, like cheering for people losing their health care because there's now the chance that your political opponents will have a hard time in 18 months, maybe. Congratulations, everyone is terrible. But of course, worse than the cheering is the actual votes from the goblins who voted for it, with their goblin hands and goblin words.
So now a segment we like to call Petty Joke Junction. Here are some of the swing votes that made this bill possible. Republican Congressman and animatronic state fair version of Reagan, John Faso. Here's Republican Congressman and gym teacher who's only in it for also being the sex ed teacher, Fred Upton. Republican Congressman and cookie jar evolved into a human, Billy Long. This has been Petty Joke Junction.
It wasn't nice. It's not productive, but also fuck them. And call them. It's actually effective. They hate it. It works.
But enough about the people that run the world. Let's talk about how we talk about the people that run the world. With a segment called Headlines, More Like Deadlines, Deadlines, More Like Dead Wines, Dead Wines, More Like Bad Headlines.
Here's a tweet from The Independent stating that when President Trump was asked if he'd start a nuclear war, he said, I don't know, I mean, we'll see. But the actual question was about if Kim Jong Un tests a nuclear weapon, would there be military action? And he said, I don't know. I mean, we'll see. Not great. And sure, military action between maniacs would probably lead to nuclear war. But he wasn't literally asked, would you start a nuclear war with North Korea? Like, come on.
This is, I don't even want to say it, but it's fake. Fake news? What is that? Fake news. Like, you just completely make it up or it's propaganda, just bad journalism.
All of it? Like, whatever. All right.
This is fake news, you guys. It's a simple example, and yes, it's a tweet and not literally the headline, but it's still emblematic of a problem a lot of headlines have in fueling our emotions in deceptive and sensational directions by, you know, lying a little bit. More on that during every single episode of this show. This has been Headlines, More Like Deadlines, Deadlines, More Like Dead Wines, Dead Wines, More Like Bad Headlines. Fake news? Really? That's the term they...dumb.
In Silicon Valley, Facebook has recently had to apologize when it was discovered that they had done extensive research into the moods of teenagers trying to discover when they're the most emotionally vulnerable. Facebook denied using the data for targeting advertisements to teenagers, saying the research had only been used to help firms, advertising firms, understand how people use the social network.
You know? They just want to understand, okay? They're not using the data. They just want to understand. So they did a study just to see, you know? They just wanted to see, not to use it, just to see. So they found out with extensive research so they could see. And they're not going to use it to advertise. They're going to be advertising firms and they're just going to see it and understand it from their extensive research.
And I have convinced myself. But perhaps worse, this week, Mark Zuckerberg had a surprise meal with Democrats who voted for Donald Trump in 2016 because Mark Zuckerberg is definitely running for president, no matter how many times he says he isn't, and just like, please fucking don't, man. Your company is actively trying to find out when teenagers are emotionally vulnerable so you can target ads at them. And you have all of our data! And you want to be our president?
No thank you. They made a movie about you and you weren't the good guy in it. So just, could you not? Also don't!
But now, a little more about our current president, of whom many people have opinions. No, no more for the day. Thank you for watching. We'll be doing this every week, hopefully calling out garbage, not just his garbage. We're going to try to be as fair and balanced as we can, while still being libtardian cucks at the height of snowflakeery. And maybe, just maybe, we'll join the conversation. This has been some news. Thank you. I've been White Man in suit with jokes.
Hey, thanks for watching that video. If you want to subscribe, hit that big C in the middle. And if you want to watch more videos, hit one of the two boxes on the right. Also don't forget to hit the notification bell icon below so YouTube will notify you when we have a new video.
We'd like that.
This has been great. |
cracked | why_your_decisions_are_meaningless_and_choice_is_an_illusion_today_s_topic | Do human beings have free will? Can you change the laws of physics? No. Can you alter the past? Not, no. Then no, no one has free will.
I don't think I follow. Okay, I'll explain this to you. But only because I didn't get to be there to see the look on your face when you found out there's no Santa.
Oh, too soon. It really shouldn't be.
But anyway, it's kind of like Interstellar, right? Okay, something can only exist if it exists in a dimension that we can perceive. You've got the first three plus time, or duration. Of which Interstellar had a little too much, huh? What depth? No, duration. Obviously it wasn't depth, man, because it's a movie.
The screen's like this big. Okay, so you remember the Tesseract thing? Yes, I do. That was the fifth dimension. Meaning that while you're there, time looks like length or width does to us here in the fourth dimension. McConaughey can look at any point in time just by turning his head, like you can look at any point on a globe. By turning it? Exactly. He's like a time turner, but not the one we're thinking of. So time is like a flat circle. Not at all.
The point being that if you believe that it's even possible to predict the future in that concrete way, to like look ahead, then there can't be free will. Because if you had free will, you could do things that would change it. So predicting the future precludes free will, and vice versa. Unless every choice you make puts you off into another timeline, or changes your memory.
Like a globe that you're looking at that changes based on stuff, or... No, no, like Marty. Marty in the photograph and back to the future. That's better. Forget the globe thing.
It still doesn't give you free will. From your point of view, all you have is a steady march of time, and events happening around you. But I help pick what series of events happen, or what timelines I end up creating. The laws of physics aren't by definition all there is to cause an effect. I control things too. Check this out. Huh. There's no way the universe wants this to be happening right now. So sure, someone could shock my brain. Make me dance. But that doesn't mean that I can't also choose to dance. So maybe there's physics and free will working together. But if you can't change the laws of physics, and you can't alter the past, what is the present if not the result of those laws acting on the past? So what are you left with? Not free will. It's the reason Dr. Manhattan says I was surprised because I had foreseen that I would be surprised in Watchmen. Or, arguably, even a more relevant cultural touchstone. It's kind of God's whole deal, right? Either you believe that God is omniscient and can see everything that you're going to do for the rest of your life, in which case you have no free will, or you do and you can do whatever you want, in which case God can't foresee that. You can't have both.
Sure I can. How? I don't know. Give me a second. I'll figure it out.
Even if quantum physics implies that the universe is inherently built on randomness, that just means you can't predict outcomes. It still doesn't mean that you affect them.
Boom! Kicking them while you're down. No! I said hold on. You can't just shoot down an argument I haven't made yet. Michael.
Sure I can. It is my destiny. Look, I'm not saying that I take it entirely on faith, but you can't instantly deny the things that you perceive directly. Isn't that like the whole thing with science? I feel myself making choices constantly. I regret my mistakes and I see other people exercising their free will.
No, man. You're not.
Look at your liver, right? Look at it. It's magic, you know?
It's a regenerating, automatic, organic filtration system that you could not possibly build yourself. Right, but that's just evolution. Or God. What you're saying precludes free will, so let's just go with evolution. So if you buy evolution, then it shouldn't be that hard to understand how something as miraculous as the feeling that we call free will could have developed out of basically nothing.
Sure, it's a complex system, but so is your liver. And that came into being just because the chemistry kit that is Earth plus millions of years equals magic. The rise of the liver as an organ is entirely reactionary. And more importantly, predictable.
Like you. What are you saying that my whole identity rose out of that? Everyone! The evolution of physical forms, it's the same with consciousness, right? At first, there were just amoebas with basic instinct, then there were small animals and then finally humans. This new thing that could imagine future hypothetical situations and remember the past and think sunsets are pretty and that plates with celebrity faces on them are worth more than those without. We have this brain is constantly weighing a thousand variables and recalling your belief system, your relationships, your philosophy, and then sending out signals and telling your muscles what to do next.
But that's so blah. It's just a big complicated prioritizing machine.
Yeah, and we're just along for the ride going, oh, look what I did. I meant to do that. I'm so godlike. Neuroscience backs me up on that, by the way.
I mean cause and effect has existed a lot longer than life has in the universe. Why do we think there's some mystical variable that came around right when we did? It's an unnecessary piece. Everything in the universe works fine without free will. So it's really on you to prove me wrong. You're the one saying that there's this extra thing called free will that we have to account for even though we can explain pretty much everything pretty well without it.
You put on a piece of IKEA furniture together and we're already done and you just keep shoveling dowels at me. Ha! That's it. That's the face.
Man, you really made me work for it. What crawled off of your butt and died today? I'm going to be honest. They moved the recycling bins all the way down the hall and my trash cans right here.
So lately I'm feeling like, what's the point, you know? Oh! I see what this is. I see what's happening.
You're just pushing pre-determinism because you don't want to take responsibility for your actions. Surely you concede that if I am not a responsible steward of the Earth, it is only because I was born to destroy it. This right here is the problem with the whole universe is a bunch of rocks theory. We agree that it is impossible to prove one way or the other. Yet I choose to believe that I have control over my life. Responsibility for my actions, good or bad. And you know what? That's going to be good for me because it's going to make me a better person. It's going to make me a better member of society. So you can sit there and you can argue that free will doesn't exist all you want. But if that's true, then how come I am choosing to believe in it? Because you're pre-determined to. It's like this whole argument.
Then why are we even back? No!
Fine.
You know what? I'll compromise, alright? There's probably no such thing as free will and even if there is, it's just sharing space with laws of physics in regards to cause and effect. But if in any alternate timeline it would be helpful to act as if we had it, then sure. I guess it's good to choose to have free will or believe that you are pre-determined to believe that you have free will, respectively. Deal. I think. Good. Great. Philosophy done. Oh, is that what this was?
Ew.
I don't know why I get it at all. Yeah, it's mostly nonsense.
Hey! Thanks for watching, guys. You got a lot of choices on the internet and I'm so glad you chose us. Take it out with some breakdance. If you have any thoughts, leave them in the comments section. |
SaturdayNightLive | high_school_musical_4_snl | We now return to the conclusion of High School Musical 4 New Senior class! Now we've done everything that we said I had to do. I couldn't have done it if it wasn't for you. You're my best friend from the start to the end and we made it! Is that forever? Thank you Kelly and Tyler! there have been so many surprises today, but I am happy to say that there is one more. Please welcome to the stage!
East High's Favorite Song! He graduated last year and now he's back from his first year of college. Troy Bolton! Oh My. God! Troy's Back! East High is suffering from the Troy Attack!
Please stop. Stop the music. Thank you. Hello.
My name is Troy Bolton. One year ago, I stood in this very spot and said that East High was a place where teachers encouraged us to break the status quo. I told my class that we were all in this together. Then music started and I jumped off the stage to participate in a lengthy choreographed musical number with my classmates. That sounds awesome! But I'm not here to talk about last year. I'm here to talk about what happens after you leave East High.
Do you think this is a good idea, Troy? Back off. Here's the deal.
No one sings at college? What? And from what I can tell, this is America's only singing high School.
I was as shocked as you are. Let me tell you how my first day went. I was nervous but excited. So I started singing a song called nervous but Excited People just stared at me.
There was zero choreography! Zero! Then what happened?
Who are you talking to? You! Word of advice: Look at who you're talking to once you leave this school, no one projects or cheats out. Another word of advice: If you're sad at night and you sing in your bed, people can hear you. Everyone can hear you.
So you're just a regular student? I wish. But guess what? I can't be a regular student because I got a terrible education. That's not true, No? what have you learned here? I learned that I don't have to play into stereotypes that people have. For me, I can be a jock and a dancer and I can be proud of it.
Yeah, tell him what's the capital of Texas? uh, Texas City? Texas Town I thought.
So you're not gonna believe how little you know. But at least you can fall back on basketball, right, Troy? No. I may have been good here, but it's become clear that East High plays in some sort of musical theater league with a very low standard of competition. But if I know Troy Bolton, you're gonna turn it around, right? Nope.
I'm a year out of high school and my life's over. I have no education. People think I'm weird. I don't know how to express myself, except in song. I have nowhere to turn.
You could come back here. Who are you? Walt Disney.
Oh, my God! But I thought you were frozen. I recently thawed out, but how? science says global warming, but I can't help thinking it has something to do with Jews.
Can I really come back to East High? Troy, you should never have gone to college. Disney characters aren't supposed to grow up. Just ask Mickey Mouse or Lindsay Lowen. That's why I think you should return to High School Musical where you belong.
You mean it? I do.
They say you can't go home again, but here I am with all my friends. We're glad to have you back. Yeah, we're glad to have you back. This is a high school musical and every day is magical with you and me. Thanks for watching! |
cracked | the_gilmore_girls_fan_theory_we_didn_t_know_we_needed_cracked_responds | Oh, hi, Luke. From Gilmore Girls. So you've been watching Gilmore Girls.
Yeah, that's a strange way to start a conversation. How much coffee have you had? All of it. Okay. Coffee. You wanted to... Thank you. More coffee? No.
I don't want to spoil Gilmore Girls for you because you're like at season one? I'm in the middle of season two and I'm very sensitive to spoilers. So Year in the Life ends with Rory writing a book that we call Gilmore Girls. So my theory is Year in the Life is the only true Gilmore Girls universe and Gilmore Girls season one through seven is actually the rose-colored glasses version of what unhappy 32-year-old Rory wants her life to be.
I believe you. I was going to do like a huge spit-take at that but I didn't want to ruin your computer. It's covered in coffee.
She's a horrible person but she wants to come off as great in the book. So in Year in the Life, Rory wants to write this book and she tells her mom and her mom's like, absolutely not. You can't write this about me. Like this is our private lives. And I think it makes a lot more sense in this universe if that was actually a more realistic and tumultuous mother-daughter relationship. Yeah. And because of that, Laura lies like, no, don't write it. Rory writes this book knowing her mom is against it.
It only makes sense she would smooth over all of the aspects of their relationship that wasn't pretty. I haven't seen Year in the Life yet but for normal Gilmore Girls, I'm starting to buy into this fan theory because she is way too perfect. Rory is way too perfect in this show. What happens in the new Netflix one that makes her seem more real to you and horrible? Year in the Life, she's so terrible with men in an absolutely non-human way.
When Rory's writing this book, she and Logan are having an affair and Logan is engaged. We have an agreement. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. At the end of season one through seven, the book she's writing, Logan proposes to her and she says no and goes and leads her best life, which is something she can't do in her real life. Did he even propose to her? They never address the fact that he had proposed to her in Year in the Life. That's weird, right? They're having an affair. He's engaged.
They're never like, you had your chance. That's something you'd say. We'd all say that. Now I want that to be true and I want there to be four more episodes after Year in the Life where the book, The Gilmore Girls, has come out. Logan is like, what the f***, you made me propose to you in this? I didn't do that.
My wife's going to kill me. She's going to know. I call you all the time. It's very obvious.
And parents were like, you made me so mean and high-strung, why would you do this? And you made you perfect. We're both mean and high-strung. Right. God, you're like a pop-up book from hell.
She also is dating someone at the time throughout the entirety of it and it's like a consistent joke that she keeps forgetting who he is. Oh, crap. I forgot about Paul. I want to address the counterpoint that season one through seven, book Rory, is very horrible at relationships. She can't even imagine what a good relationship looks like because she hasn't seen it as an example with her mom and she hasn't lived it herself. She cheats on Dean with Jess, then she loses her virginity to Dean. No.
I know. Well, he's married. I know.
And Christopher, her father, wasn't in her life at all. That being said, Year in the Life, Rory and Christopher, is the true relationship. She goes there. It's awkward. You know I love you though, right? I know. Whereas season one through seven, Rory, she and Christopher basically have the most idealistic relationship you could have of a father who left his family and wasn't around. That rang super false on first viewing because the way that we get introduced to Christopher is a guy on a motorcycle pulls up and shouts to Lorelei, Hey, take your shirt off! And then Rory goes, Dad! And gives him a big hug. It's such an inhuman moment. Rory and Lorelei's relationship, what is that like in Year in the Life?
Because in the show, they've got a really great relationship and they always talk everything out. And even when they fight, they resolve it within 20 minutes with a very well-measured conversation. Beautiful speech.
Yeah, that's it. I am grounded for six months or seven and no TV, no stereo, no reading. In fact, take all of my books away from me and lock them up.
Year in the Life, Lorelei and Rory, they go a whole season without talking and it's like not even addressed. A whole season? Like fall or whatever. Spring, spring, or fall. They address it a little bit like they hug and they're like, it's been a while, but look at this picture.
Okay.
So this is Rory and Lorelei in the Year in the Life promotion. That looks so fake. It looks like they may as well be photoshopped next to each other. That's not a hug. Look at Gilmore Girls 1 through 7. Oh, that's a good hug. Look at that. That's a real hug. That's a real smile. That's her fake version of her relationship.
That's the written version. Maybe the most important point of all, in season one through seven, Rory can hold things. Yeah, that's in most of the TV shows that I watch. Uh-huh.
But Year in the Life, Rory cannot hold things. So look at this promotional photo for Year in the Life where they're holding coffee cups. Holding. That's generous of you. This is what she's doing with one hand. This is insane.
Yeah. Here, this is the flowers. Look at this. Again, Lorelei, normal person. Rory failing at holding flowers. But if you look back at the original series, the book, here she is. Coffee, normal. Nailing it, yeah. Normal. Here she is flowers. Look at that. Normal flowers. Holding it like that, not like that. 32-year-old Rory wrote into her book, 16-year-old Rory holds things like normal human. Yeah.
She is pretty fantastical. She is pretty. Season one through seven. Oh yeah, Alexa Bell is very pretty. She's got very nice eyes. So pretty.
That hot forehead. Way too intelligent and way too, like, emotionally balanced. Lorelei, who is an alpha wolf, and she's unstoppable and she's the best, telling Rory, I'm going to start sleeping with your teacher at the school where you're new and already hated and students don't need a reason to hate you. And Rory's like, mom, try to keep them out late on Thursday because I have a test on Friday and I want them to be tired for it. Your reaction knocked me, hey, mama, go f*** my teacher real good. Like, that's not a reaction that a normal person would have.
She also, like, her mom goes out of town for the weekend in season two, and she, I know you're not there yet, big spoiler, and her boyfriend's like, yes, we can be alone and, like, without your weird mom, who, by the way, was there for our first date, and she's like, you know what, I really just, like, want the house to myself and to do laundry. That's the feelings of a 32-year-old woman who doesn't have a place to live.
So, okay, Year in the Life, Rory, she goes for a job interview, doesn't prepare in any way, thinks they're just going to hand her the job. That's very off-brand. Exactly. And then she, like, yells at this woman on the phone after the interview, being like, a girl named Caitlin is going to be the voice of Rory Gilmour? Are you high? Don't be hostile. Not a thing anyone's ever done in a job interview.
So, yeah, that's the theory, that Year in the Life is the only true universe, and season one through seven is just like a children's book. So, when we started this, and I asked you to be cautious about spoilers, you not only spoiled multiple important plot points, but you've also rendered the seasons one through seven meaningless. Nothing in one through seven happened. In reality, they had a really strained relationship, and Rory wasn't all that smart, and not that tall, and then she wrote this sort of idealized version.
Eyes aren't that blue? Yeah, her eyes are like some kind of s*** brown, and garbage.
God. Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for watching. Make sure you like and subscribe and include your own fan theories. I'm going to ask Rosie and I a bunch of questions about stuff that happened in Year in the Life. I'm ready.
Does Paris ever reveal her true powers? She's in, like, Breathe Fire. Reveal her true Paris? Sprout wings.
F***ing rule the school. Not the school, but the world. Does Dean die off-screen somewhere in, like, a train thing?
No, he seems really happy. He's happy? He seems happy in it, yeah.
There's no justice in anything. I know. |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_the_great_condom_hunt | After a long night of partying with my girlfriend and three of her guy friends, we woke up in one of the bedrooms at our friend's apartment. It's about three in the morning and we're both in that hazy state between hungover and still drunk, so naturally we just start going at it and my girlfriend says she wants to have sex.
Now, I don't like to admit it, but I was still a virgin, so I was pretty excited about this turn of events. Unfortunately, I didn't have any condoms. I had planned for this moment my entire life and of course this is the one night I don't have one with me. I know. I'm an idiot.
My girlfriend said she had one in her purse which was in one of the guy's bedrooms, so after some convincing, I headed down the hallway and nothing but my underwear only to find out his door was locked. So I walk back to my girlfriend who tells me I should ask the other guy. So once again I head back down the hallway, but his door is locked too. It's as if I'm on some bad hidden camera show and the joke is on me. I don't want to walk back to my girlfriend empty handed for a second time, so I go back to the first guy's door and try to pick the lock. Of course I know nothing about picking locks, so I end up breaking the doorknob and I still can't open it.
By this point I was getting desperate. Everything in the apartment started to look like a condom. The saran wrap, zip lock bags, tin foil, I didn't care. I pitched all my MacGyver condom ideas to my girlfriend who quickly shot them down. My girlfriend had one last idea.
Ask the last remaining roommate, the guy whose bed we're in. She wanted me to wake him up on the couch and ask him, hey, do you have any condoms? Cause me and my girlfriend want to have sex in your bed.
Yeah, I wasn't about to ask him that. Plus by the looks of this guy, I wasn't really expecting him to have any condoms anyway.
So finally we gave up and went with our usual routine, the classic everything butts. So after we finish I get up and turn the lights on and immediately I hear her say, what the hell? I look down and see an entire box of condoms, beautiful perfect condoms in all their glory right on his bedside table. We would have tried to use them but her friend barged in a room and yelled at us for being naked in his bed. So we grabbed our clothes and got the hell out of there. All in all, this did not go as planned, and now she's on her period for the rest of the week.
Great. Dating. It's complicated. Very complicated. |
cracked | house_1977_review_aka_panic_at_the_hausu | Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the cutting edge of all cracked content if I'm being totally honest and the show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better and I'm going to clarify right off the top, this is a podcast so if you get in the comments and you say a review longer than the movie, I will come to your house and I will yell at you probably. And I would say actually most things are longer than this movie to be totally fair. Well, it is a short film. Really short little romp.
I'm your host, I'm your angry host who's been reading a lot of things today, feeling a lot of feelings, been assigned a lot of assignments. You know what? I'm joined by my co-host Jesse and Ally, say hello. Hi, I haven't read a single thing today, the whole day, I've only read one thing today which is that I happened to pull up the chat just because I was like, I wonder if people are psyched about this movie.
First comment, Mr. Flibble, this is hands down one of my favorite movies. Cool. Well, Mr. Flibble, Mr. Flibble has a very specific fetish that this movie caters to. It truly could be anything. Naked women, Japanese women being eaten by pianos while going, oh, how about getting your butt bit or getting your butt bit. They were way ahead of the game or like eating a watermelon that maybe was ahead and maybe is also just a large man chomping down on it. I love it. Just so good.
There's so much to discuss. There's so much to get into.
Boogie little kitty cats. So I don't know why I deleted this. Also it literally opens with sweaty Japanese schoolgirls taking photos of each other. That's a pretty specific like, check.
I guess the doing this didn't register with me because I was watching this as a piece of art and not as a. That is something to stimulate me on the criterion channel. So Jesse was watching this through the lens of the criterion channel. I feel like you're you're you're taking it that I'm complaining that I watched Fetish Fuel for an hour and a half and you're not wrong. But I also you know, there were there were definitely some artistic moments that I really identified with whatever.
So again, this is a stupid ass podcast, but you can respond because the power of the Internet. So if you have an alternate title, for example, somebody put Japan's. How do you say that that movie? Suspiria. OK, it is what it is. OK, that could be a one for the pod. That's a fun one, too. That could be an alternate title. Throw your alternate titles in the chat.
If you have observations, your favorite. Yeah, favorite favorite.
I just throw it in there. And don't tempt anyone.
And Brian will tag them and we might look at it. We might talk about it. Brian, if you see, we're going to we're just going to pull Brian in more and more. Yeah, wait, now that Brian's here, I want to reveal. I have something I'm here to reveal.
Oh, God. Ready? I'm going to make out of the way for this. Oh, my God.
You're not wearing pants. I'm not wearing pants, but I am wearing my house suit t-shirt.
How soon? Yes. Oh, my God. We. That's why it's so good.
Why do you care, Brian? Wait, there was a cat in the fucking nerd. Thank you, Brian. I knew I could count on Brian for this. I love this movie. Was this already established that Brian you like? You already knew that Brian was a fan of this? No, but Brian always has my back, so I am not surprised. All right. Well, Brian, you didn't have my back, so you're fired again.
So where'd you get the shirt? Is that like official merchandise? Is that like an artist shirt?
That's a really good question. I actually saw a man wearing it on the street. Went, whoa, how so? I love this. And he went, oh, I just got this on. It's a way. Hold on.
No, no, no. It's a website that always has a fetish. He's not nice. No, it's like, oh, super yucky HQ.
They always have like movies stuff and it's like really niche. And sometimes it's like, you know, like this is a Ryan Johnson joint. Like, you know what I mean? Like there was a very movie and I think they were celebrating a house. Sue thing. I love that. And we should do that.
Who would buy a house whose shirt drawn by me? Ali, can you draw?
No. Oh, yeah.
So our store just got relinked, by the way. And all our crack store for the YouTube channel is is mostly Horton stuff. So it's just a bunch of like Horton industry shirts or like hard, fizzy poison water shirts. Talking about our heart seltzer knockoff.
But anyway, it's good. It has lots of little Easter eggs. If you like, if you actually have seen it, which I have now. So it's like the orange lipstick. I saw reverse the orange lipstick and the lips and the hand and the jar. And over here, there's an eyeball on a spoon. So we're feeling like, oh, that's video now.
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
Extreme close up, sir. One of my fetishes, actually.
So wait. Oh, Jesse's got to. OK, well, you got to take care of what you got to take care of. I was going to ask Jesse to recap.
He got eaten by the chat, which is a house from 1977. It is a Japanese.
Yeah. Well, Jesse, you want to recap this this movie for us? She's better than you. So that the people in the comments can get on with their lives. Yeah. How dare this review be longer than the movie? Yeah. You know, reviewing something or recapping something is actually the highest form of art and flattery and flattery.
So this is a movie about a Japanese schoolgirl who comes home one day expecting to meet her dad, who's just back from an Italian vacation and go on a much longer summer vacation with him. The dad reveals that he's in fact about to or has recently gotten married.
And she decides, I hate this. I'm going to go live with my aunt for the summer. My aunt, whom I've never met out in the countryside. I've never heard anyone say on to the way that you are. But I just keep going on. I say I prefer aunt to aunt. Aunt makes me feel odd. I've never said it out loud. I've only ever written it, which means that I have a higher IQ than all of you. That's so good to continue. She's about she gets in touch with her aunt and she's going to go hang with her for the summer, but decides to bring all of her friends who don't have any plans for the summer and her male teacher.
And was he there? Well, the chaperone, he didn't make it. Trying to come the whole time, but he has a bucket stuck on his ass.
If you remember. Yeah. And then he he dies in a manic freak out about how much he loves bananas. I think that's the last time we see him. Right. As teachers sometimes do. Yeah.
So anyway, she the story starts then when when the girls, these seven girls show up to this spooky old house, Sue, and good one. They're all slowly just consumed, literally devoured in most cases by the house and various parts of the house. And so you're left to wonder, is the house the evil thing? Is the suspiciously hot old lady aunt the evil thing? Is the suspiciously hot kitty cat with flashing green eyes? The evil thing. And so, yeah, they just are all fighting for their lives in stuck inside of this haunted house.
I would say that's pretty clear. I'm unclear as to how it ends. Yeah.
Anybody live? Um, not for long. Gorgeous is still alive. Gorgeous.
Oh, and they're the new wife into the house. And they have that weird that led amazing weird long shot where they both go like this to shake hands.
Well, but she's she died. Isn't she like a ghost at the she's dead at that point? I think she's a living lady.
And then gorgeous, by the way, all of their names are just words for the trope that they represent. Yeah, which is so fun. I love it. So it felt very stand by me or like the Goonies or any of these like 70s adventure like, you know, everybody's name Chum Bucket or whatever. They all have like Chum Bucket. Yeah, I was I was thinking of that actually, because like I thought the movie did a really good job of making them seem like this like quirky group of buddies instead of just like a lot of horror films. OK, they did sexualize them at a certain point. Like toward the end, as they start dying gruesome deaths, they're all they're also just inexplicably naked. Or sometimes it's just the boobs, disembodied boobies flying around. Yeah. But I think prior to that, it felt like this is a bunch of goofball buddies that like you would want to hang out with or maybe you are one of them. So their tropes are just pretty fun. And it felt more like a Goonies sort of situation than it did. Like the classic, you know, hot bunch of hot, dumb people and stuck in a house, all those dumb hotties, stupid. Yep, that's pretty much it.
Ali, why did we watch this?
I love this movie. I love it so much.
I watched it for the first time when I was doing this unbelievably strange improv thing called the art house improv movement, which was our we were trying to recreate the surrealist feeling of seeing an art house movie on stage that we were making up in the moment. It was at times unbelievably successful and at times painfully unsuccessful, but it was still really fun to do. And so we all would watch the weirdest stuff we could possibly find to sort of expand our horizons on like what the concept of a movie could even be, because we were really trying not to do things that felt funny and we were really trying not to do things that felt story based. Like it was really supposed to have that like bizarre surreal like I'm just moving through time feeling of like an art house film, watched it and was like, huh, that was incredible.
It's like fun and funny. I think it is like, um, like there are moments where it's like genuinely as funny as any comedy has ever been like the fact that this young wife gets introduced and only she has this like wind fan on her at all times. And she like steps around the corner and she's got like a big scarf blowing on her. Like that's a trope straight out of comedy period. Do you mean like there's nothing about that that's meant to be like, oh, spooky. Like it's just funny.
And I don't know. I think I think the movie kid is like unapologetically weird. It's both gorgeous and incomprehensible at times.
It has so much fun with tropes that it then immediately discards like when they're introducing the town that they live in before they get on the bus to leave. And it's like a 70s sitcom opening with people like leading out the window and looking at each other before they get on the bus. And then that's never ever, ever revisited again.
It was just for the, it was just for the joy of that one moment. I love it. I also think that it's like surprisingly poignant slash like it sneaks it in. Do you know what I mean? Like there's a lot of it that's like style over substance very much on purpose. I feel not because like the director was like self indulgent, but because like it was all about trying to get as many things on camera as humanly possible. But like, so auntie, auntie, whatever we want to call her depending on why we want to pronounce it.
Like she has this monologue where she talks about how no pair of lovers were ever truly die. As long as like the love that they had is being experienced by new lovers. And like, you can take that to be very romantic of just like, oh, isn't that nice? Like you, like even if 70 years ago you, you know you and your husband were separated by war as long as people are still young and falling in love your love will never die.
This movie is like, what if that was a curse? What if you were so haunted by this like loss of love? What if it was a slap in the face to see every young girl grow up to be like young and full of potential and have the capacity to go on and make these new relationships and fall in love. And like, what if that was the cornerstone of like the ghost house curse as opposed to a saccharine platitude. And so she in the spirit of her house has become this like bitter cannibal who wants to eat the youth and the love and the potential because she's so sad and so spurned and of course it's bizarre as we've said.
And I think a lot of it is like, what can we get away with? What, how can we make this be on camera? Like, how can we show a girl getting eaten by a piano in the most interesting way possible? And so like a lot of it is completely incomprehensible. Like if you want to try and dig for the metaphor of the reason as to why it eats her fingers first and then she's just body parts flying around. Like I don't know if there is an answer to that. I think that's just for fun. I actually really quick on that point.
One of the reasons this movie got green lit in the first place is because I think it's Toho or whatever the studio had been losing a lot of money on what they called comprehensible movies. So they said they wanted to make an incomprehensible movie which is the craziest business reason to do something I've ever heard. Also apparently the story behind this is that this is the year 1977.
So this went into production in 76, 75 is Jaws. Jaws was a huge international hit. Everybody wants their next Jaws. So Toho goes to this director, this director Obayashi and goes, hey, give us Jaws. You know Jaws, right? We all know Jaws. Can you do Jaws?
Jaws was like a piano, right? Yeah, Jaws was like about a piano. Well, it does have that. I do think the main theme immediately reminds you of Jaws. I think it's on purpose. Like the right next to each other, dissonant piano notes or whatever feels Jaws-y. Well, so this was his version of Jaws. Like he went home and was like, Jaws, Jaws.
So they're scared of a thing and the thing could eat them. What is that? And so the story says he had an 11-year-old daughter at the time and he was like, remember Jaws? What should we write a movie about? Like, let's write a scary movie. And she was like, what if a bunch of teenage Japanese girls went to the countryside and got eaten by a house?
And he was like, done, no notes.
I'm actually not gonna change that at all. I'm gonna do exactly that, which is great.
I thought, maybe it wasn't the main theme but there was definitely a point when Melody, if you'll believe it, Melody's the name of the girl who loves music. She starts plinking away and it sounded like the beginning of the Black Parade.
Oh my God, so much. Did you get that? I wrote that down. That's really good. It's like, duh, duh, duh. And then it was like, it's a different note after that. That's so good. I was like, oh my God. Truly, if only. My people got home and stole it.
When did the goth movement start officially? With this movie, yeah. With this movie, this is Bond Goths, yeah.
I don't know.
I was doing research for an article at some point and people continue, can push it back further and further and further because you could say like Frankenstein, when that was written, there were weirdos who liked stuff like that and you could point to it. There were weirdos who liked stuff like that? No, I just mean like that that's indicative of like, oh, there's enough of a subculture of like weird people that like creepy death things, like that can go, you could push that as pretty far down the road if you want, you can kick. Actually, old timey people loved creepy death things.
Right, well that's all I'm saying. Like everything's just like, this is a locket with my lover's hair in it. And you're like, okay, that's all that stuff.
Mary Shelley definitely seems like that kind of person because she was like 19 years old, probably like no one understands my heart and I'm stuck in a house with Byron and he's boring me. I'm gonna write Frankenstein. Anyway, that's my dramatization of when Mary Shelley wrote Spider-Man.
Wow. Isn't the actual story, I don't know, like I think the real story is like, she wrote it in the course of a night because she was bored with her friends and her friends were all like. Yes, yes, yes. Oh yeah, it's like, let's see who can write the weirdest thing the quickest. She wrote us, not the full thing, but she wrote like almost all of it slash like the premise of it cause they were like, let's write stories and see who can freak each other out the most. And then she was like, okay. And then like they all went off and wrote things and she came back and had written like the bare bones of Frankenstein. So sick.
I can't get my friends to do anything.
I know, and I think it's also because she like really hated Byron, the poet and the author Byron. And so she was sort of like, this is my chance to fucking show him how lame he is. His story is gonna suck and mine's gonna rock. And I'm like, you know, they all went back around the fireplace and he probably read his stupid story. And she was like, gee, I only just finished mine.
And they're never gonna gender swap it. Not ever, no way.
You know, in Frankenstein, they gender swap Frankenstein. They're immediately like, we gotta make a woman of these. It seems like we don't have some Frankenstein fans in the house. It seems like I'm surprising you with the plot of Frankenstein. Well, you are, all I truly know of Frankenstein is the pop culture, like residual memory of it, which is just like a dumb guy. Dumb guy made out a bunch of people. Yeah, I read it in one of my English classes and I have seen I Frankenstein so many times. Now, I've actually never seen I Frankenstein, but I'm sure it's great.
Yeah, I'm aware of it. I don't remember the woman that much, but. Whatever, it happens towards the end. I was reading about, okay, so it's two things I learned about House Day that I did not know.
It seems like it was only really introduced to English speaking audiences in about 2010. If you were like such a fan of the genre and you were really digging deep, it is of course possible that you found this and found it subtitled or worked to have a subtitle or something, but it was not acquired by the Criterion Collection and like remastered and available for like streaming or rental until 2010. So when this did hit in 2010, it was like a big deal to the Art House film community, to the experimental community and also to like the weirdo horror genre. The specificest of the specificest community. I think I probably watched this in 2018. And to me, I was like, I can't believe I missed this for so long, but it turns out I probably only could have seen it 10 years before, eight years before that, even if I had tried. Unless you had one of those weird friends that had like the original Dragon Ball Z's that like weren't even dubbed in English and had like weird sex jokes and naked people in them. That's the guy that would have had this movie before 2010.
It's like, I actually dubbed this myself. This is what I think they're saying. I'm gonna call this one gorgeous because she's gorgeous. Yeah, exactly.
Also, I sort of auto corrected in my own brain that Mac was short for McDonald's. It's actually short for stomach. I thought it was Mac and cheese. See, there you go. Stomach, oh, come on. I know, I was like disappointed almost.
But I was reading from 2010 when this was debuted and a whole new audience of people got to see it. The British Film Institute left a review that called it the Evil Dead Meets Yellow Submarine. I think that is so correct. It's like 70s psychedelic, doesn't make sense, gorgeous to look at, occasionally very creepy and scary. The plot of any horror movie, which is a bunch of girls are in a house and we're all gonna die somehow. Let's find out how, but in most movies, they don't get crushed to death by mattresses that came to life. Oh my God, yeah. Not super frequently, no. I just think it's great.
She turned into a doll or was that doll always under all the mattresses? Well, it was already in the room when she went in. Oh, okay, I miss her. That's why she goes in in the first place is the doll is sort of like, and she's like, oh, cool, a doll. It's like, she's like, I guess I'll just keep looking at this. And then a mattress jumps on you. Now, what happens to these bodies? Okay, so the aunt is full on dead. Yes. If anything, she's like a corpse, right? Doesn't her mommy come out and get kung food at some point, or I think kung food.
There's a skeleton that gets, that's out of that a lot. They bought a P and G of a skeleton and put it in the background of every scene. Just go like this. It's so fun though. He seemed to be, that felt like a very Japanese thing where it's like this extra character on screen that's showing you the emotion that you should be feeling. Yeah, possibly.
Because he's never really spoken to or of.
It's also like interesting because the more that I think about it, the aunt, even if she was alive and not a ghost, really couldn't have been that old anyway because the war was somewhat recent. Like, she is not a decrepit old woman. And it's another interesting sort of metaphorical visual thing in so far as like painting the picture of this house is in disarray and this woman is like decrepit. But like, in truth, she would have been like 45. Like, she's not an, she isn't an old person.
And I think that like. 55, 60. Okay, fine, 55.
She's not, she wouldn't have been old. In the picture of her as a young woman, as a bride, she's gorgeous as age. She's like high school.
All right, but let's do a little math. The bombs were dropped in what, 44, 45? No, no, I think this is a different war. Hold on. No, 100% is World War II. I think they said World War II. Also, what is a more recent Japanese war that would be relevant to this movie that her husband would be? No, you're right, you're right. The atomic tragedy of how soon as well.
The war on women? I was thinking of the war on women. My husband was drafted in the war on women.
He never came back.
Yeah, that's very funny. Do you guys know the band, the war on women? It's like Baltimore punk band. It's very funny the idea of like. Did I know the band, the Baltimore punk band, the war on women?
Yeah, pretty popular.
But it's my chemical romance, the war on women. Just like some guy being drafted into this all female fronted Baltimore punk band.
I love that. Anyway. So if she's 20 at the beginning of the war, she's probably 65 now. Sure. Or 55, 55.
She's not a very old woman who has wasted away forever. It's really about like the loss of potential and how heartbreak can. Yeah, but she's for sure dead. She's onto life. She like gets sucked into the fridge and dances in the rafters and. Right, but like math wise, if she's 65, this is a woman who died when she was 35. And so it's really about like a loss of potential and the tragedy of youth and you know. There's a lot of stuff underneath the purposefully manic visuals. So my question is, she is not a corporeal being, but so she is.
I mean, I think it's like what it's like. You think that really they thought that through that hard. I think it's a freaking hot. They should have so. So let's say then she's a piano, but then the piano can also eat you. I don't think there's like very clear rules.
I don't know that like. Yeah. A lot from. Well, yeah, a lot of getting through the logic, but this does feel pretty integral.
So if she, okay, let's say she's a zombie and she's literally eating these girls. Do we think that she's actually physically consuming them?
Yes, I do. Yeah, I think, and again, think means nothing. This is just what I think.
I think that her, she is the house. And so I think that the ghost of Aunty and the house are one and the same. And so like when the piano eats you, she eats you, but also when she's eating an eyeball with a spoon, like that's also true. Like I think the house is the entity, which is Aunty, which is, I don't know, grief. I don't know, this could be an A24 movie now if you wanted it to be, you could be like, oh my God, it's about a woman who lost her husband in the war. And it's all, it's actually a metaphor for grief. It's like, all right. So if she's the house, which I'm on, I'm on board with that. But so as soon as somebody walks into the house, they have been consumed, they've been eaten by the house.
Then they don't need to feed, unless they have to feed the piano, if they feed the goldfish. Well, they don't even really try to leave. So it's not really clear, like they're not super interested in what the rules are. You know what I mean? Like they're not- They do try to leave though. They get scared. At one time they do.
All the doors close. Or just walk out. Yeah. Oh, at the very, very end, when they're floating and shit. All the doors close.
And then Prof is like, I have an idea. If the doors close, the doors can open. Let's go find, let's go find Nancy. And she'll tell us how they, that they open. And then they're like, at that point, they're trying to- Okay.
I guess my real question besides the fact that it would be very disrespectful is, why couldn't Kung Fu chop through a wall? And in fact, she does. She Kung Fu's some sort of Halloween-y entity through a wall into the outside. She Kung Fu's a lot of things.
But at no point they let her go through the paper wall. Come on. Let her rip. Let her out. Late in the movie, she literally does pop through the wall. But then they don't even try to escape. Then they go back inside the house and fight Auntie.
Yeah. Because it's fricking a magic art house. Like, I don't know what you want. Of all the movies in the world, I'm not getting hung up on the specifics of how things are supposed to work in this. Yeah. You don't have to. Allie and I will. Yeah, I just- Please do.
There's so, what I do like about this movie, which is chaos in so many ways, is that it feels extremely intentional in its vision a lot. Maybe not always. There are definitely some parts of the movie that are just sort of like, okay, okay, interesting, okay. But one of my favorite shots in the movie is when they are first getting to Auntie's house and they're all sort of around her in the kitchen.
And she turns to gorgeous and has like a little bit of a private moment with her where she's like, I've been waiting for you to come visit me for such a long time. And then she turns back and says something sort of polite of just being like, yeah, I'm sorry, it's been such a long, I've been so busy with school, but I'm like, I'm really happy to be here. And it's closeups straight on them to the camera, overlaid against what's happening in real time in the background. So like, it's not like it cuts to a close-up, it's literally like a vaguely opaque overlay of me looking down into the camera being like, I'm so glad you came, gorgeous. And then like those have this like dreamy private aspect while not cutting out of the real world and just seeing the other girls just sort of like in real time, very casually looking around the house behind it. And it's like, first of all, that's so cool.
Why did they do that? Who would have thought of that?
I love it as a storytelling device. But it also weirdly foreshadows that they're like destined to be the same person. And oh, it's just so good, it's so on purpose. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that was not the accidental work of a filmmaker. Like all of it is so considered. Well, there's also like that other scene, I don't think this is what you just said.
I zoned out because Gay Buns Brat Brat said something and sort of. Sorry, good excuse. I didn't know that me talking was less important than Gay Buns Brat Brat, but now that I hear that, I completely understand. Look, I'm a podcast professional.
There's also the scene where the girl, one of the girls, and I can't remember which, I think it was Prof maybe, is blinking one eye back and forth. Oh, that's a little blinky. But the camera angle is slightly changing.
Yeah. And you don't understand why. And then it shows that she's blinking. Yeah, I thought that was cool shit. Well, that's just a guy walking around set, going like, hey. Yeah. And I think that's ultimately what this movie is. I honestly think the fact that it's green lit partially with the literal understanding, they're like, make it incomprehensible. Who gives a shit? Because like they clearly had a budget for some stuff too. Oh, yes. The scene at the end where the floor is water and like the floor is lava essentially, that scene was pretty awesome. I was like, yeah.
How many cats did they have to drain of their blood to fill up an entire house? Some of those cats were extremely well-trained. They jumped, they moved, they danced, they pranced. Those are some well-trained cats. Yeah, you guys are right. When I was talking about the high budget, I meant all the cat training. There was one time where it was supposed to look like the cat like jumped onto somebody's lap or something, but it was clearly thrown.
Yeah. Oh, maybe, yeah. Didn't have. Yeah. I think it went, yeah, to the onslaught or something. She's like, yeah, it's like thrown like overhand and then she's like, yeah, that was better. Yeah. That was, yeah. But again, like at the end, in particular, just kind of that final set piece and all the crap flying around, I was like. Really cool. This is a weird, weird-ass movie and they didn't clearly possess the technical know-how to green screen. Yes, yes. Or whatever.
One of the best examples of that, of a piece of filmmaking that I find fascinating and effective despite it not looking very good is when fantasy, not fantasy, sorry. Gorgeous is putting on her aunt's lipstick in the vanity and there's a moment where they like, you can't tell if it's the aunt as a young woman or her and then there's a fire in the vanity and then Gorgeous is entirely made out of fire and then her face cracks off and it's like the merging of their two souls and so it's a fantasy and auntie become the same person in that moment and the effects look terrible. They don't look very real but the intent is still quite affecting to the point where I'm like, I wish I could see just this moment redone with somebody who with 2020's decade of filmmaking know-how. Well, this movie would be so horrifying. I mean, it would be overwhelmingly terrifying if it was competent CG in my opinion. What if it was insane CG and not and cartoony?
Do you know what I mean? Oh, but like what's a good example of like Sharknado? No, that's a limitation of budget. What is a movie that is done in a stylistic way so that it's like campy or silly or looks, somebody must have an answer to that. I feel like David Lynch is close to that. Do you know what I mean?
Where he'll be like, and then it's a toy car. No, no, no, don't tell them why just cut to a wide shot and it's a toy car driving. And then when we cut back, it's actually a woman in a car and you're like, why?
And he's like, I don't know. I'm David Lynch. I can do whatever I feel like. Do you know what I mean? Like he could afford to have a wide shot of a car but he like chose to do that. I don't know. Maybe he's the best example of that right now. I don't know.
I just think the idea of CG body parts flying around. I mean, like there are legitimately, again at the end was pretty terrifying and I thought the clock gushing green blood was pretty freaking terrifying. And apparently speaking of the cat blood, like the way that they filmed that scene was apparently a secret for a long time. Like it was really tricky. They didn't just color the film. It was like they shot, they like dyed it blue.
I should look it up. But I also, I don't try that hard for this podcast. Oh no, so certainly don't need to. Yeah, but look it up if you're interested. There's a lot of interviews that I thought about reading and then didn't because I had a million other things to do.
But this guy went on to have a relatively successful career if I'm not mistaken just making weird stuff, which is kind of a thing that doesn't really happen anymore. Also a lot of commercials. He was like a very prominent, very influential director of TV commercials because he had such a clear style and his sense of color and playfulness was so interesting. He made the commercial where Drake explodes in Sprite. Oh, great.
No, he didn't. I don't believe you. No, he absolutely did not.
But this movie does kind of look like a Japanese commercial for something. Just all the crazy cutaways and kind of the inexplicable drawings. I saw, we did a short or something recently of American celebrities going to Japan to be in their commercials because they pay really well and they're hoping that Americans won't see them in these crazy things. That was pretty fun. But Japanese commercials, at least a lot of them have been more like almost, it very intentionally subliminal. Like you might not even really quite understand what the hell the product is because it's so crazy. Anyway, I could see a guy that made this movie really cleaning up in that world where he's like, you wanna sell piano with it eats them. And they're like, that doesn't sound like it makes sense but anything goes.
Give me 20 pianos. I need a piano in my home now.
The other thing that I think is like interesting about the movie is that obviously this is not like some great deep exploration of character. These girls just have one name that links to a personality trait that they have. But I also feel like there's a sense of love. I don't get the same strangely hateful, voyeuristic feeling of a lot of other, like women are in a house and they're all gonna die things. And also I do think it's largely because this idea truly came from his 11 year old daughter who was like, what if girls went to a house and died?
And my fat friend died first and we don't have to be nice to her. Give me, use her real name. And he's like, no sweetheart, we're gonna call her Mac. And she's like, no, use my friend's real name. She needs to know I want her to die first.
Well, I actually think part of that stems from the fact that only two of them had ever acted in anything ever. But they were largely all amateurs and they were all bottles. And so he was collecting them from his commercials and putting them in his weird movie.
And apparently there's like a whole bunch of stuff about like the nude scene, like where they were like teaching each other how to be naked because some of them had and some of them hadn't. And then when he saw one of them like being naked for the other, he's like, oh, you should have one too. Which is, again, part of this, it's definitely not some fetishy kind of. Yeah, I mean, there is definitely, if a movie is about the delicious sensual power of female youth, right? If that is literally the point of the movie, I don't think it's insane to be like, and then we'll still look at her body.
Do you know what I mean? Like, again, it doesn't feel hateful to me. It doesn't feel, I can't wait to watch this sexy bitch die. Do you know what I mean? Like, there's like, there's like a sense, there is weirdly a sense of love in it that it's hard to explain.
Oh, I've missed this sexy bitch already. Aww. Aww, that sexy bitch was someone's daughter.
Maybe, but they were, the only dad we see is the rich, mean dad. Well, I don't even know if he's mean.
Yeah, and also their teacher who they're obsessed with. I do love that one cutaway where she's like, having a dream fantasy of him riding in on a horse and sweeping her up and like, kind of made like a postcard, it's so good. Yeah, and she's like, he says, his line of dialogue is, I saved you, I love you. Yeah. It's like a teen thing to think. It's so good.
I guess like, as silly as some of the characters act, and like, of course there is that sense of like voyeurism, because it's literally about a house watching you and waiting to eat you. Like, there is a voyeuristic sense to it. It's just lacking something that feels disdainful. And it's kind of hard to put into words, because I'm sure if I tried to, I would just talk with myself into a hole. It's kind of like that saying about porn where you're just like, I know it when I'll see it. Like, this movie just feels. Like porn.
But for the heart. It feels like heart porn. No, it's the opposite. It's like my heart's getting hard. Let's call it that. Heart core.
Yeah, no, I agree. Brian put in the comments, there's a childish lens to the whole movie. Yes. Like, it's, I mean, all the drawings and stuff, I don't know that there's gonna be a lot of serious movies in the world that are hand drawn on top of live action. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Maybe he's an exception. Yeah.
That immediately is gonna be like, oh, okay, this kind of like immediately distances you from getting to experience it kind of immersively, I suppose. This movie was not really worried that I was like, what's gonna happen next? I'm so scared and invested in what will happen from like, I don't know. Imagine if I was in a house that ate me. Yeah. You can tell that like, that spirit of like listening to a 10 year old's idea about what is scary, the joy of that was definitely kept and not tried to like over explain or be like, sweetie, how would that work? How would they get there? It's like, I don't know. Not worried about that. Like, it's like, why isn't it apparent there? It's like, I don't know, he turned into bananas.
It's like, great justification. I'm putting that in the film. It's nice. There's a love in it. Okay, so I am definitely gonna write a horror movie with each of my children. Yes, please. I really need to figure out what Swede thinks.
So last night, yeah, last night I'm putting my daughter to bed and she's like, dad, I'm not gonna be able to sleep. Don't go, we should snuggle more. And I was like, actually, did you know that you fall asleep every single night of your life? And I really don't think that tonight will be the exception.
I was like, here's what you can do. You can, what I like to do is count sheep, which I don't do, but you say these things. And she's like, sheep, we don't have any sheep. I was like, well, we're gonna pretend. And she's like, that they're in the room? Sheep, don't go in rooms. I'm like, yeah, I know, but we're just pretending. And she's like, that doesn't make any sense, dad. It could be scarier than a bedroom full of sheep, dad.
I was like, you're right. I'm sorry, I'm an idiot. I was like, what if we meet up in our dreams? And she's like, how am I gonna find you? And I'm like, damn it. Now that's a scary thing to say. Don't you know that's how the kid gets lost in Insidious? Fool?
I don't, I haven't seen that one. Oh my God. Which your daughter has. I know that that's supposed to be one of the good ones, but I never, any of those like one name ones, I don't- Insidious, no, stop. No, I know it's one of the good ones.
I understand. It's so fantastic. It is fun. It is like being on a scary little roller coaster ride. Okay, that's fine. It's so fun. I'm happy to do it on this podcast.
I'm just saying that in the 2010s, when I was in college, people were always like, let's watch a modern horror movie. And it was always like the skeleton key or some shit. And it was terrible. And I was like, I don't want anything that's been made from this era. And Insidious was one of these that kind of came out around this time. And I was like, you can't convince me this is good.
Every other movie you've shown me, Spencer, is terrible. That's all I'm saying. You got that Spencer? Yeah, Spencer. You're that Spencer, I'm gonna put you in a movie, make you die first at a well. My daughter's gonna kill you in her movie. When a watermelon bites your ass. Yeah, Spencer, I'm gonna. Gotcha Spencer. Whatever, beat you again in fantasy football.
Spencer doesn't watch. Spencer doesn't subscribe. Don't be like Spencer.
Skeleton key is a thriller at best. Skeleton key is a movie at best.
That was the worst thing I'd seen in a long time. Can I say another one of my favorite visual parts of this movie? I really love when they're in the kitchen and then in a very theatrical sort of like roguish way, Aunty disappears backwards into the fridge and then closes her behind her and then reappears and looks right into the camera. Wasn't that like, ain't I a stinker? It has like Bugs Bunny energy. I really love that part.
Yeah, it was weird. Again, nothing really matters or makes sense. But it's weird that she was just like, whichever kid kept seeing it, it wasn't Melody, right? I think it was. Eyeballs.
I think it was fantasy because they kept being like fantasy. You're so crazy. That's why we call you fantasy, you crazy bitch.
Yeah, yeah. So she was just screwing with her. Maybe that's because it was her thing, right? You wouldn't do that to Prof because Prof would figure it out. Yeah, or she'd find some way to logic around it.
Or Kung Fu would kick you in the head or whatever. I do love Kung Fu. Kung Fu is cool. I think Kung Fu is one of the best characters created for the screen.
Maybe ever. She's so fun and everyone loves her. They're always like, Kung Fu, go get it. And then she's like, got it guys. Bow, boo, bow, boo. Just like so fun. Really just a good character. Just love her.
That's what I'm saying. Like it's the Goonies, but imagine if one of them was, well, imagine they had a character named Croft McGaugh, let's say. Let's deescalate it a little bit. And they were really good at throwing elbows at the pirates. I don't remember that movie super well either.
I think that would be fun. It's fun to have a character who's inexplicably really good at fighting when it's a bunch of children. Yeah, that's so fun. It's sort of like, the movie sort of has like babysitter club vibes where like everybody's can be distilled down to like, she's cool and fashionable. She's hardworking and responsible. She can kick your ass. Like, it's like very fun.
Like I want that. I want to be the kung fu of my friend Croft. I was gonna say, who do you, so you want to be the kung fu. That implies that you don't think you are the kung fu. No, I'm sure I'm not, but like that's who I want to be.
What's your nickname? Oh, of the six offered, you could also be a pile of bananas. Or I just, of the six, but also I'd be interested to hear what Allie's. Yeah, no, no, for sure. Like if it was my label completely like from scratch, it'd probably be like Scamp. It'd be like, oh, that little like getting into trouble over there.
What'd she do? And why is she committing to that bit for so long? But I think of the girls, but I aspire to be a kung fu and probably am more just like, probably prof, maybe melody, just being like, oh my God, where'd the time go? I've been playing this piano for six hours and now my fingers are gone.
Oh. Yeah, yeah. She's like, it bit me. I'm gonna keep playing. Yeah. We also come in and she's like, it really felt like an animal bit me.
And they're like, well, and she's like, and she goes, you're right. You're right. Yeah. Okay.
Allie's melody. Jordan is. Gorgeous. Jordan is gorgeous.
For sure. I was gonna say trampoline, but yeah, for sticking with it. Trampoline!
Is that one of them? No, I mean, it's not. No, I was like, you're making it worse.
Like I was saying, if I was Scamp, you're trampoline. Cause you're like, guys, I can't travel without my trampoline. So you can go have your thinking time on the trampoline by yourself.
Yeah, because if we had to boil your whole personality down to one thing, it would be the years you spent in middle school. Wow. You guys remember that better than I do. I was like, what the hell? You told us that you've done all your best thinking on a trampoline. Dude. Yeah, you're right. Actually my, I made a high school side project, not my main band, called Midnight Trampoline. Anyway. Oh. Cause my girlfriend and I used to hang out on trampoline tonight and we were in the band together. You told us that.
And that's how we know you love trampolines. Trampolines are dope.
You guys are phenomenal. It is your personality. You friggin' city people.
You don't even know what a trampoline is like. The joy, the unfettered freedom. I didn't grow up in the city. I grew up in the suburbs where trampolines were plentiful, but never at my house because they're dangerous and you could get injured and sued.
Yeah. That's right.
Rant away, baby. I had no choice. We didn't have any trampolines.
I want to hear from Brian. Brian, why, why do you love Haosu?
Oh, I thought you were going to ask about trampolines. Well, I thought you were going to ask what Brian's trampoline is. Oh, that too.
Ask me what? What's your nickname? What's your one word distilled nickname?
Goblin. That's good. That's a really good one, actually.
Trash can. Like you be goblin. Trash can. Why do they call you trash can? Trash can.
Because I live in the trash. I live in the trash can. And I throw the trash all over the ring. I'm in the trash can, I eat garbage. Yeah, I eat garbage.
All right, goblin. Yeah, I like that. Let's go to the... That's it. He never said why I liked the movie. That's fine. We just believe it. Oh, yeah. Wait, why do you like the movie? Oh, I don't know. Yeah.
I mean, it's like very linchy and kind of how weird and childish it is, but also spooky, scary. And honestly, I think the first time I saw this, I was like not into scary movies. Yeah. Like I did not like being jump scared. I did not like haunted houses. So this was like a great way to like be like, oh, there's other types of like scary movies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I agree with that.
Thanks, Brian. Thank you. Thank you, goblin.
Somebody is going to be like, what the hell? This is my pure review. Where did that come from? I'm here for something very specific that I am not finding. All right. So speaking of, let's throw to the unwashed masses, right? Unless you guys... Did you have anything else that you wanted to...
At some point, I wrote down, what's the line between artistic and wacky bullshit? And I think this movie really explores that. Yes. It leans a lot more to wacky bullshit. But that doesn't mean it's not fun or interesting. I also think that when a director has the balls to be like, some of this is going to be wacky bullshit. You'll see. As long as it feels intentional, as long as it feels in the same world, I do genuinely get the sense that this person is extremely aware of what they're doing and why they're doing it. And for 1977, 1976, maybe even before, because this was in production hell for a little bit of time too, trying some really interesting stuff with cameras.
And there's a moment, I think it's right before the big stuff with the vanity, like the fire stuff. It's earlier when you see Gorgias. And they're like, I wonder where Gorgias went after her bath. And you see that you went to her aunt's vanity.
There's three reflections that you can see in camera, and they're all doing something slightly different, which feels like a real predator, which is like a real precursor to things we do in modern cinema a lot. It's like in Black Swan. I mean, it's in everything.
And it was the Don't Worry Darling trailer. It's in the Don't Worry Darling trailer, the height of cinema.
Cinema. Cinema? That's how you know it's really good when they say it's cinema. Like theater.
Didn't that one get a 17-hour clap or whatever? There was that brief window where they told us how much clap every movie had. They love to do that. But I don't understand what's going on with audiences there. Why is anyone clapping for anything for that long?
Yeah, go home. Go home. Don't you have kids? Go home.
I'll admit, there's some times I'll watch a good Star Wars in my house on Disney Plus, and I'll just sit there. I can clap for 17 minutes. Yeah. Kids, get in here. Clapping for Star Wars. Oh, the whale had one. Right, but there were several movies that came out. No, Don't Worry Darling had a seven to 10 minute standing ovation as well. And then immediately the reviews came out, and they were like, yes, I. And it's like, so then what was all the clapping for?
Oh, it's four minutes. Well, that's not. All right. Five minutes?
Oh, I guess there's controversy. Say what? I don't know. I don't care.
So my only other thought is, OK, we've got this old lady or ghost lady or whatever she is, and she knows that she needs to consume young girls, unmarried girls, to keep her spirit alive. Why does she wait for her niece to write her a letter? And if she's capable of writing a letter back, why doesn't she just invite her niece and all of her friends to come party at her mansion in the.
That's a good question. Is it? I was going to say, like, maybe it's one of those things where you have to go willingly or else it doesn't work. But then I was like, but she was luring the girls of the town into her house on the auspices of getting them piano lessons. True. So that does kind of break that.
Yeah, it's just very funny that she's like, oh, where am I going to find, like, teens and tweens that aren't married yet? I wish I knew one that was friends with a bunch more, but I don't.
I'm going to take that clip of you saying only that out of context and just put it everywhere. I'm going to put that on TikTok. It's going to blow up.
That's it. That's the only logical flaw in this movie. Right. Great. So the masses.
Scuttlefield asks, am I the only one who thinks that Brian reminds them of Eddie Munson from Stranger Things? Brian, do you get that? Brian, do you get that a lot? Eddie Munster.
Oh, I've never gotten that before, but I'm also not surprised. I will say. It's also an incredibly recent thing in general. I went back to teaching children not long ago because of the semester starting, which coincided with Stranger Things. And I got Eddie Munson a lot because of my hair. So we can be in the same boat. Well, we look identical, so they don't even know. We do Sister Sister on this show, and sometimes it's me and sometimes it's Allie.
Yep. And sometimes it's Jesse and sometimes it's a less angry Bill Byrne. Whoa. Dun, dun, dun. You don't know how I feel inside. And or Bill Byrne, Mr. Rogers, Love Child. I don't know why people are doing this. Didn't make anything for me. Keep them coming until they're insulting. Damn it. All right.
What do you think about the daughter getting writing credit? I think we kind of covered that. Yeah, I mean, the fact that you got official credit is honestly kind of cute. It's like, how would the daughter ever know if it was just like she got official credit on the movie versus they had an idea?
I like that. That also is it one of those things where it's like, yeah. It's like, oh, I got my daughter in the movie and the union minimum is $200,000. I got really excited about that. I was like, I'm going to put my daughter in the union minimums. You know what I mean? Yes, it's sweet, but also they are making literal money from it.
Tonight, can you ask your daughter to write a horror movie with me? If she had to come up with a scary story, what her scary story would be?
Yes, it's very fun. I will put on TikTok. I just got to mine these kids for content. It's just so dumb that I haven't done that yet. I will say the one video that my daughter appears in is the highest watched Your Brain on Cracks ever. Wow. There you go. Little star in the making.
So it's a gender swap, ironically. And it's at the end, I put my wife in there. It's like, twist, we gender swap. And then we do the end title cards and it's like, twist, now I'm a baby.
Does your daughter have any lines? She couldn't speak.
Oh, I guess it's good. Well, that's good because then we'd have to pay her. Yeah, right.
We have a lot of union in our podcast and such. All right, so also Jesse looks like he could sell solar panels. Is this a read or a compliment? Also, you're full Walter White, even though you apparently aren't mean. Wait, this is fun because this is all from the same person. So that means.
I think somebody's got to crush. Or they were like, this discussion is boring. I'm going to just spend the next hour finding ways to read Jesse's ass. Maybe I can appeal to his vanity and get him to shut up.
Babadook meets Aspiria meets the Goonies meets Japan. Sure. Is this Monster House? I don't know. Do any of you have thoughts on that? I have seen Monster House.
I took my little brother to see it in theaters because I'm a good older sister. In that movie, it's also about grief and not being able to move on, so kind of.
OK. Is that what you wanted to hear? What about Gozu? Never. Don't know him. Great. It's pronounced Goku. Oh, I know him.
Everybody is mad at you for your suggestion of remaking this movie, so. So how about that, Mr. Rogers? Yeah, eat that. Oh, is my suggestion? How is that your suggestion? I didn't say I wanted this movie.
You said I'd love to see it with modern effects as well. I said I wanted to see that one part where her skin cracks off and it reveals her as a fiery thing. And then it's like her looking at flame and being flame. I literally want to see only that one part. You were very explicit that just that one scene you would like to see. I just think the idea. It was just so uncomfortable. I went in depth about what I want to see about it. I think that imagery is so spectacular. And I think that if it had been in a movie from 2020, we would have been terrified. I like the intentional cheapness, experimentalness of this movie. I don't want to see it done any other way.
That literally is just one very impactful part that I don't know. You know that meme of the guy sitting in a chair angrily, but it's just like a lava person. Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you ever had to try to explain a meme to somebody this? Oh, no, but I have a cracked article about it. I actually tried to explain those are his hooves, you bitch, to my, I was going to say fiance, my husband's mom once. And we just kind of got into a 20 minute circle where I was like, I have to go deeper in explaining that. OK, so why was he wearing socks? Great question. There's a long, don't ever try to explain a meme. I'm not even familiar with that one. But to be fair, the effects were kind of bad all around, but it's OK, because pretty much, I don't think that's true.
But I also think if they're going to remake a scene for modern audiences, maybe where she gets out of the bath, we could do that one. Oh, yeah. She gets out of the bath. Yeah, he like when she stands up and you see the boobs.
I just feel like we could get a real modern spin on that with modern effects. Yeah, I thought the nipples all looked like fake nipples. The green screen nipples on there. And I was like, I want CG. The same nipple. I think they had a lot of decent effects. I mean, they went really hard with it, but I bet there's a way to make a piano eat somebody that isn't entirely hand drawn or largely hand drawn, but it wouldn't look nearly as crazy.
It doesn't matter. A movie doctor, canon baller, gender reverse.
What a team. Oh, right. What a team. That's us. With us.
Throw some money in the chat so that our CEO can go to dinner. So we can never see it.
Brian says, there's something about art and collaboration between a parent and child, and that's true. And that's why I'm going to start turning my daughters into content factories and my new son coming soon.
Coming soon to theaters. Coming soon to a theater near you. Valentine's Day, 2023.
They never say that anymore. You know what I'm saying? Don't you miss the days of coming soon to a theater near you. They never say that anymore. Coming soon to streaming. Yeah, to your house.
Chapter Black says, I have difficulty telling whether camp is intentional or not, because it had this and Suspiria and they're similar in that they're psychedelic horror movies at a varying degrees camp. I will say, I think Suspiria is a much scarier movie than Hausu. I think even if you can't stomach horror, you could probably watch Hausu. It's like suspenseful and there's some weird imagery, but it is like by no means a scary movie. Suspiria is scary. There's scary moments of that movie. There's definitely like campy moments also, but like it is definitely much more successful at being a horror film. Also something that's fun about camp is that I bet you if you went to a director who made a campy movie and said, was that on purpose?
They go, that's exactly what I wanted you to ask. So you'll never get an answer.
It's just the vibe, you know? Or they would say, no, damn it. No way.
I just realized that you and I changed our names back to our Twitter handles, but Jesse didn't and you're still juicy thighs, man. Oh, we talked about it. Jesse's doubling down. Oh, good. Jesse's been doing a lot of squats. Good for you, good for you. I've been in touch with Twitter to try and get my handle changed to Juicy Thighsman so that I don't have to change it here in this one cast. Good, good.
So we'll let you know where that ends up. Coming February, 2023, Juicy Thighsman, the Twitter handle. Yes, Scuttlefield, everyone is judged by whether they get the clap. If you have it, prepare to be touched. Welcome to the team. Welcome to the club, we all got it. All right, so here's what we're gonna do now. We're gonna pivot to alternate titles of which we have very few in the chat. I got a couple, but anybody got any that they wanna? Go for it.
All I got, I had butt bucket. I had bucket of butt.
I had green screen, which feels like I was gonna add something to that, but then I never did. Green screen. Bananas everywhere.
And then just the boobs, but that came from today. That was sort of, Jesse said it, I liked it. And I feel like that would probably get a lot more clicks to be totally honest. There's a good chance that every movie we've watched that has boobs, I say something like just the boobs. Just the boobs.
I like that actually. I like that one actually. Okay, I have two real ones.
I got Snow White and the Seven Tropes. We didn't talk much at all about Blanche the Cat. We love Blanche the Cat. Evil little bastard.
I don't like pets anymore. And you don't like pets? Oh, because don't pets.
What's your name?
I ate my sandwich. Because he ate Jesse's sandwich.
Oh yeah, right. Okay, I like him. I'll take him, I like him. Okay, last one for me is the jars have teeth. Yeah, well, sure. In the cadence of the hills have eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, fine.
How about the jars have hands? Do they? I know they have teeth. I don't know that they have hands. They do have eyes because the piggy bank wears her glasses at one point. Is there a way to do Jaws but with an Australian accent.
So it sounds more like jars. Jars. Jars? Oh, no, it's Jars. Wow, it's suddenly less scary. Jars.
Thank you for watching this crazy movie with me. That's great. Long ago when we were making lists of movies we wanted to do for this podcast, this was like one of the top ones on my list where I was like, I think we'll have fun. So I've wanted to do this for a while and I appreciate it, so thank you. It was great. I love, I'm with Brian in so far as I don't love most scary ass things. And this is like not scary but it's like perfectly Halloweeny. So thank you for bringing that to my attention. I'm gonna try and like scary things now.
Well, yeah, they do now, yeah. Brian's.
As evidenced by- Watch Titane, which is scary. Scary in its own way. Thematically, I'm just kidding. This movie did not get me as horny as Titane did, unfortunately. I think Titane ruined my ability to ever feel anything below the waist.
Wow. I keep thinking about- This is my last child. Men, because we like saw that too for this podcast and like, you know when you like, when your brain keeps coming back to a movie and you're like, oh my God you're butchering more at the same time. Twins. Oh my God. You know, like normally you keep coming back to something cause I don't know if your brain is trying to like make a new thought or it's not finished or whatever. And I just keep coming back to that movie and the more and more I think about it, the more I don't like it.
Don't mind me just dropping by. Yay, thanks, Angel. Our CEO will spin that judiciously, hopefully. Woo.
Yeah, it was fucking something, man. It was scary.
We weirdly saw quite a few horror movies for this podcast, specifically in theaters. We saw Nope in theaters. We saw Barbarian in theaters. We saw Men in theaters.
Yay. We did it.
But that one was both scary and I think I dislike it more and more every time I think about it. I like rewatching it in my brain but I didn't enjoy the experience.
I think it's cause it shines a light on how men act in real life. Men be shedding their burning coils over and over in a cyclical pattern. Yeah, you know what? Here's my new stand up deck where it's like women and men are so different. Women be luring you into their house to eat you as a house and men be giving birth to themselves. Men be like, ugh, and women be like, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, was that good?
I think Craig's gonna write an article. Just try to summarize that sort of. That one little bit. Yeah, that bit.
So, okay, all right. You went up on stage. It was really funny. So, all right. Let me just, okay.
Have you ever heard of Men? Do you know Alex Garland? Have you ever heard of Ex Machina?
All right, don't worry. It doesn't really matter for the context. So like, you know, Britain. Anyway. What about, well, okay. Brian does have the secret Jordan tapes which he's caught on tape explaining somebody else's answer in a game show. Oh yeah. Explaining somebody else's answer.
There was, we have a new game show coming out and it's gonna be good, I hope, but. Coming to theaters this fall.
I pitched it to everyone as you gotta be aggressive and fast. And so, Jesse aggressively asked everybody what their answers were again because he kept forgetting. And so, I quickly was like, she said this. And she's like, wow, you're speaking over me, et cetera. Way to mansplain my answer.
And so, I fired her and I docked her pay. So, she made less than all the other contestants.
Well, that's good. That's reasonable. I do almost hope that that makes it because that was actually a really funny moment. I thought she really like, she really got your ass.
We could definitely do it as like an outtake, but it's not, I've tried to cut every instance of you saying, wait, I don't remember how the game is going. You should cut every instance of that. I would be appalled if you kept any of that in there.
Yeah, so it kind of needs that for that. Maybe we can work it in. Also, that one's gonna be last because that's the one where you and I are both like, how does this game work? And so, it's not quite as much fun to watch as the first one, but we'll release it someday. We're losing a lot of people. That's fine.
Who gives a crap? Watch Picto Facts, only on Cracked. We on Cracked.
Ryan's editing Scooby-Doo, so get ready for a Scooby-Doo video first. Wow. And it might take a while because it's filmed much like Jesse is filmed right now in the bowels of some deep cathedral or something. It's garden level. Right, so we should end now, probably. Sounds great.
Where can we find you, juicy thighs man? The, I don't know, the squat rack.
I might get fired, it just depends on if I get fired before or after or during. During! I know, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do these movies, but they say it takes too long, so I wanna put them on my own thing. Wow. I was probably in this before.
Rebel without a cause, all right? Oh, I have a cause.
It's being tied up in a basement watching horror movies with my friend Dave.
That's all I want. Jordan's gotta jump this one out, man. Get to the bottom of this, shake it up in his brain a little. Yeah. Well, I gotta go teach a student. Oh yeah. I gotta put a pie in the oven, apparently. So, that's it.
I'm down to hang out if anybody wants to see her. You want to hang out with Bill Burr? But less angry, but also Walter White, but also Mr. Rogers.
I'll be right back. It's child. All right, that's it. I'm going, I'm clicking the button. Bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Holy_Shit_This_Has_Gotta_Stop_Says_Albo_After_Reading_Folder_Titled_Gaza_Th_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Podcast. This week we're talking about cancel culture. What is it? And can you separate the art from the artist?
Hello, I'm Clansy Overall. This is the Weekly Batutah and it is Christmas party season, silly season some would say, but this is probably the concentrated victory lap of silly season. I'm surrounded by a bunch of hungover goons. I've got Errol Parker, I've got Wendell Hussey with me. I'm not hungover, I have a smokeover from enjoying a packet of Double Happiness Chinese cigarettes yesterday. Really cleaned out your insides. You've got a bong over to do your Wendell? Yeah, a little bit. I'm just generally running slow.
Have you had your iron levels checked? You could have a deficiency, you could have a sufficiency. Same symptoms for both illnesses, haemochromatosis and anaemia.
There you go, that's something I'll investigate. What do they call that? They call that Scottish HIV or something, don't they? No, it's called the Guinness flu.
All that beef jerky we've been eating in our office can't be helping iron levels. Yeah, I don't think iron levels could be an issue. Surely I'm getting plenty of iron from the 100 grams of processed beef I'm having every single day.
Yeah, no, the 400 grams of biltong I had yesterday have all but put a stop to my digestive system, you know, much like a multiple car accident on the Bruce Highway. Yeah, bottleneck, a bit of a bottleneck happening there, is there? No, just a total blockade. My colon is like, you know, Japan in 1939, completely cut off from the rest of the world commercially.
So it's like a plank kind of went sideways as it went down. I guess you could say that. It's revolting. I hadn't had my appendix out, I'd be considering going to hospital to just find out what this dull pain inside of my stomach is, but I think it is just a jerky, or I know it is just a jerky essentially. Or it could be your liver because you're a piss wreck. Yeah, mother of canes, ay. Or it could be your bowel, they might need to take out a section and put a bag on for six weeks. Have you taken a shit in a while, what's going on?
Not a great one, obviously, but I don't think that's a peculiar thing from my age. I have just been baking coal in loaves. I don't know. Look, congratulations.
Look, this is not the ABC, we can't be talking about toilet human. Scat. Scat tendencies. What's going on in the news this week, Wendell, you fucking constipated lefty?
Well, the first headline I'm going to hit you with reads like this, holy shit, this has got to stop, says Albo after reading a folder titled Gaza that sat on his desk for 60 days. Anthony Albanese has this week joined the Prime Ministers of New Zealand and Canada in a joint statement calling for a sustained ceasefire on the Gaza Strip and an end to the continuous suffering of its citizens. The comments, of course, came with condemnation of Hamas and the events of October 7th. They followed previous absentations by the government to vote on a ceasefire and it comes after Albanese accidentally briefed himself on the issue. It is believed while searching for his favourite calligraphy pen while writing Christmas cards, the Prime Minister stumbled across a file titled Gaza, which had been buried on the side of his desk for over 60 days. That's essentially what caused the big change, actually, this yellowing document, and it encouraged him to contact the other leaders of the Commonwealth Light, Prime Minister Luxon and Trudeau, the corrupt fucking blackface, the blackface corrupt neoliberal. What were they calling him on Twitter during COVID?
Blackface Nazi.
Yeah. And they've called for a sustained ceasefire, I don't know if anyone's going to listen to him.
There's a lot of news here at home and the crowd at the Foo Fighters concert in Sydney has broken the world record for the most pockets in one place. The Guinness Book of World Records is scrambling to update their 2024 edition after a long-standing record was shattered over the weekend. With 80,000 fans filling out the Olympic Stadium in Sydney for the Foo Fighters concert, it's believed the crowd of cargo short-wearing dads broke the record for the most number of pockets in one place. Alistair Richards, the managing director of Guinness World Records, spoke to us about this new feat.
He said, going off our calculations and footage of the event, we believe the average concert-goer was rocking anywhere between five to eight pockets. Big ones, too. We even saw a guy with two pockets on the hips, two on the backside, deep square pockets on the knees, and then two button-down pockets on his shirt in the chest region. This is eight pockets on one man alone, so you apply that to 80,000 fans. There were over a million pockets, that's what they're saying, there was over a million pockets within the vicinity of... I wonder what the last record holder was, it might have been military. Yeah, I think it was military, it was around 700,000- I thought it was Tracy Chapman opening a Bunnings, I thought that would have had a lot of pockets there as well. She's more zipped, do they count, zipped pockets?
To a local story, put on sunscreen? What am I, a lefty? Ask man before he's burned like a stolen car in Townsville. Yeah, some of the Tudor Heights brainiac has scoffed at the very offer of sunscreen this week. Joining some friends down at Machete Park, the hostile young man reportedly told the person offering him sunscreen to shove it up their arse. Unfortunately that hubris came back to bite him, or burn him actually, with his friends contemplating taking him to hospital for third degree burns after he got too intoxicated and fell asleep on the grass. As one witness said, he had to be helped from the park, I think he's the most sunburnt person I've ever seen with my own eyes, and I've seen how the poms carry on on Corfu. I've been him before. Down in Coogee as well.
We'll finish up with a lifestyle story now, and a white collar man who's nearly 30 is facing the difficult choice of getting into bouldering or buying a drone. Yes, Mark Thompson, 29, a spreadsheet specialist, offers drone an overall inoffensive XL monkey, is grappling with a decision that could define his leisure activities well into his third decade. Will he embrace the rugged athleticism of bouldering, and the body odor that comes with it, or the somewhat entertaining feeling of controlling a plastic object flying through the sky that cost him several thousand dollars. As he explained to us, and I quote, a lot of the guys at the office say it's a great way to stay in shape and now that I've entered level 3, I never really have been a team sports guy and I feel it would be a perfect fit. I must say though, with a drone I can record cool shit and post it online. It's a lot harder to let people know I'm bouldering.
So there's that. What would you do? Wendell? I'd probably get into making things like jerky. No, no, between those two. Oh, between those two?
Unfortunately the way I'm built means I've got to be a drone guy, I've got to go down to the beach and just... Too much of a cube. Yeah, I could see you taking a drone down to the airport and trying to fly it into an engine of a plane taking off, I think.
Well, they got arrested with the laser pointer that time. Yes. I learned my lesson from that.
I think it's more just parking up down at Batura Beach and just cruising along at a low altitude just seeing what's happening down there. What did you guys do back in your day? Obviously bouldering wasn't a thing, drones definitely weren't a thing.
Mate, we just went down to the rifle range, this is pre-Howard, and we just fire high calibre firearms. I can tell you off air how to make a fertiliser bomb. With the rifle range, was it just targets or could you shoot like, you know how you go... Sometimes birds would land on the range and there'd be rabbits and shit. And there was that time where, because they've got that dog park next door, it used to be an off-leash area and one of these dogs went after the rabbit and someone was trying to shoot the rabbit and they ended up blasting the sausage dog in half with a 300 win mag and then you know there's all this fuss with the police and town hall and everything but yeah. Bit of carry on. That's a good job to hit a sausage dog.
Yeah mate, it burst like a sausage on a Weber mate, it was unbelievable. Spilling all sorts of oil and gas out. This is an insight for the listeners into the wild, crazy, high-octane life of a Western Queensland newsroom.
It's silly season. Oh yeah, we've had a few shardies. Anyway, enjoy yours. I've had a shubless. Thank you. |
dropout | letting_go_of_game_of_thrones | Sorry, he's just running a little late. It's okay. It just feels like we've been waiting around forever. We have been waiting a little while, but I'm sure he'll get it.
Sorry, sorry, sorry I'm late, everyone's sorry. I'm so sorry.
Hello. Hi. Okay. So, what did I miss? Nothing. Just waiting around for you. Okay. Well, I'm here now.
Okay, I'm sensing some frustration here, so Teo, why don't you try telling Game of Thrones what's been bothering you? Game of Thrones, I love you so much, but when you didn't come back last April, I was so devastated.
Babe, I was working. You know that I'm working. Yeah, I know. You work so hard. You care about everything that you do, but I thought you cared about me, and now you're saying it's over? Yeah.
And I told you that this was going to happen. I gave you a fair warning, plenty of warning. I said it over and over. I said, winter is coming. Winter is here.
All men must die. Those are signals. You have to pick them up.
But why? Why does it have to end?
Well, you know, Teo, you've been with Game of Thrones for over a decade now. That's a long time.
It's perfectly natural for Thrones to want to reassess the relationship. There's nothing to reassess. Everything is great.
Yeah, sure. Now it is. But listen to me. Do you really think that 30 years from now, you're still going to love me like this? Of course, babe. Yeah, sure. Sure. Tell that to the Simpsons. Oh, come on. No. All you talk about are seasons six through nine. Yeah. All you've ever thought about. Good times have had my life. Okay. All right. Teo, let me ask you this. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you? Yeah, absolutely.
I love saving TV shows. I've started Twitter campaigns. I've written letters. I've eaten at Subway.
Oh, my God. That's insane.
Teo, you have to respect yourself more than that. No. You can't just eat at Subway because some network tells you to, okay?
I am committed to this relationship. I've deleted all the apps. It's just HBO now. Teo, you are clearly in a dependent relationship. I just don't know what I'll do with myself once Game of Thrones is gone.
Okay, I want you to think about the words that you just said. Oh, my friends love you. Do you know how hard it is? To date someone who all my friends love, and I introduce them to my parents. My parents love them. Keep asking me questions about them that I don't know the answer to. Just what will I look forward to once he's gone?
You make me feel. How do I make you feel? I'll tell you how I make you feel. I make you feel bad.
I hang out with you once a week. I usually make you cry. I keep secrets from you. I straight up lie to you all the time. The people that you love, I destroy. I'm destroying your relationships.
I forgive you. Apologize. I didn't apologize.
You know, maybe you should start thinking towards the future. Aren't you at least a little curious about what other shows might be out there? You know, there are some very similar ones, perhaps a spin-off. No, they won't be as good. You don't know that. It could be The Next Fraser. Or The Next Better Call Saul. The Next Joey. I don't know what that is.
Exactly. I love friends more than anything else in the world.
And then it ended. Then they made Joey. And it sucked. It's always hard to talk about Joey.
Yeah. And so this has happened to you before. Yes. Right. And how did that work out? Eventually, a new show came on that I liked, and oh my god. You're right. Will it happen again? Well, it can if you let it. Yeah. You're right. Game of Thrones.
I love you so much. I'm gonna be so sad when you're gone. But I'm grateful for the time that we had to go.
Please. Just please don't kill Jon Snow again. Please. I can't make any promises.
God, I love you, you crazy son of a bitch. She wants nothing to do with me anymore. She's changed so much. You were awesome when I was younger. It's great. Can we hang out? You're problematic as hell. Seems like you've changed, not me.
And those movies? Steve cheating? Not canon. It's canon and it's fabulous.
Okay, okay. How about a compromise?
Lily, I would like you to admit that the movies are canon and Sex and the City. I would like you to admit that they really suck. Hey, it's Jess. If you like College Humor and to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a quirky pair of socks that show off your fun side per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content like the latest episodes of the Erotic Book Club podcast. There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe and it gets you.
It's hot. It's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I buy land, I guess. Oh, God. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tony_bennett_saturday_night_live | Well, it's fall, and here to talk about what's exciting at the movies. This season is an old friend, Mr. Tony Bennett. yes! thank you! thank you very much. hit it, fellas! ["i like flicks that are great"] I like flicks that are great. movies are fantastic, but one thing's for sure. I like flicks that are great.
I worked out a lot this summer with Anderson Cooper. yeah. he's got snow on the roof and fire in the oven. I understand you like going to the movies. Seth, let me tell you. sitting in the dark next to a pretty girl's sport in a great shape, and scarfing down some Charleston shoes called me a happy clan. So who is your favorite actor these days? that Ryan Gosling sure is the toast of the town. But you know who I'd love to see on the silver screen again?
John Garfield. He left us too soon when he croaked on top of a chick for hire. He was a great, great Jewish leading man. I used to call him a Hebrew.
So what are your favorite films? what are your favorite films so far this fall? Well, one movie that's really knocking out of the park is Contagion. Oh, that one looks good. is it scary? Oh, I jumped once or twice, but there was a straight tuxedo Tomcat running around under the theater seats, and he really scared the Bejesus by Christmas out of it. he was a great, great cat. I wanted to snatch him up. hope he found a home. So contagion is good or bad? I'll tell you. I'll tell you, Seth, what's the scariest one out there right now? wait until dark.
Audrey Hepburn is stone cold blind in her. I dated a blind girl way back when. she had a seeing eye minor bird. it just sat on her shoulder and told her where to go. Bobby Darin and I once played a joke on her. he wore my cologne, and I watched him slow dance and had to giggle into my dinner naps. she was as blind as a bat with a blindfold on, But boy, that gal could dance. a great, great blind woman. Hey, Seth, hold that thought about Bobby Darin and me tag teaming that poor sightless lady.
I got a tool to our sponsors. Poised Pads. You know, sometimes, sometimes when gals get older, they have trouble in the number One department. that's why Poised pads from Kimberly Clark are just what the doctor ordered when you got a dribble in your triple. I once had a woman come up to me after a concert at the Mohegan Sun, and I looked down and the culottes were drenched.
Seth, Seth, yeah. Seth, I took her over to the urgent care to get a bladder of look-see. six hours later, the doctor walked in and said, Mr. Bennett, it's a boy. are there any other movies you've seen, like in the 2000s? I love the H.e. double hockey sticks out of storage Wars. that's a Tv show. And I love the Smurfs. I haven't seen one go that blue since I went to Barbara and Don Rickles' house for Thanksgiving. he gave the turkey a lady doctor exam, and I laughed till I cried. then I just cried tears and joy because that's the holiday that always gets me, Seth. attitude or gratitude? The great Tony Bennett, everybody. you're a pick. |
dropout | stop_ruining_rick_morty | Okay, so I know that there have been a lot of heated emotions between you two lately, so I would like you each to, one at a time, please, tell me how you're feeling. Everything I do, I do something, he does never not say thank you to me. Okay, okay, okay. I did say one at a time, but okay. I would classify this as a textbook toxic relationship.
So Rick and Morty, why don't you tell me, in your own words, how you think it got to this point? I have no idea.
I can't get rid of him. I tried to break it off, but he won't leave me alone. Because you're mine, babe, and nobody else gets you like I do. You don't own me.
That's so funny. That's the classic kind of joke. Okay, okay. You're so funny. I'm not a kind of joke.
Okay, that's enough. So let's separate. Just remember our I feel statements. Okay.
Now, I want you both to think back to when this relationship started. All right, were you ever happy? What made you happy? I mean, I had never met anyone as passionate as him, you know, nonstop praise and affection 24-7, but eventually it just got to be too much.
That's baloney. It's honestly your bitch friends who are always trying to pull us apart because they're jealous of what we have. They don't get you. Nobody but me gets you. They don't have to be around me anymore because of him. He scares them all away.
The first thing everyone thinks about when they think of me is him. That's a good thing, babe. Oh my. What do you even like about me?
I'm like Rick. You enjoy being around Rick and Morty because you see a reflection of yourself in Rick, is that it? Rick is a piece of shit. You are hero-worshipping a character that's meant to be mocked.
He's super smart. He's badass. He does science. He's burping.
It sounds to me like you've placed your identity into the hands of Rick and Morty, and he doesn't want that. Okay. You see how that's unfair to him. I guess tell that to Pickle Rick? Friggin' rules? I don't want to talk to your tattoo.
I want to talk to you. Everything I do is for you. Remember when we went to McDonald's and the McDonald's guy came out and he didn't have the Szechuan sauce from the episode and I punched the McDonald's guy in the head and he never said thank you. Why would I say thank you for that? I care about you so much, and other people say they do, but they don't.
They don't even know what a schmeckle is. Like you. Do you even know what a schmeckle is? Yes. It's a form of currency.
Shut up! Stop that! Don't tell him to shut up! Shut up!
You can't talk to him. You can't talk to him like that.
We can all shut the fuck up for just a couple of moments here. I don't often recommend this, but I think maybe you two don't belong together. I think you should find a new fan base, and I think that maybe you should just be alone for a little while. Discover yourself, because it seems like you're hurting the very things that you care about. I myself like Rick and Morty quite a bit.
What the fuck did you just say to me? Stop it. You're a fucking dead man. Okay, stop it. I'm a beat your ass. Okay, you should...
Nobody loves Rick and Morty more than me! Okay, what I'm trying to say is that I empathize with you, and I also like the show. I find it very funny.
It's a good mix of highbrow and lowbrow. It's all highbrow! I have a character named Mr. Poopy Butthole! I'm lowbrow!
You just don't get it! I am it! Fuck you!
I'm so sorry about that, it's okay. You know, I really do like you a lot, it's just, you know, sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit it, because I don't want to be associated with that. Hey, I get it. I get it.
So what I'm hearing from you is that you're confused about where this relationship is going. To be honest, I don't know what I'm still doing here.
Hi, I'm Jess. If you like that, subscribe to Dropout, where you can become a part of the exclusive Dropout Discord. I can even tell you my secret for solving one of these. Just take this. Hey-o! Genius! Alright! Who's the smarty pants now? |
cracked | 12_24_07_a_very_news_on_cracked_christmas_eve | It's Christmas Eve Day, December 24, 2007, and this is the news on Cracked. Ho, ho, ho. I'm either Don Imus, Santa Claus, or Lex Friedman. You make the call. Queen Elizabeth II, that hottie, has launched her own channel on YouTube, featuring video clips of the 81-year-old monarch's daily life at Buckingham Palace. The YouTube community's response thus far has been rather enthusiastic. Here are a few examples. That's gay. That's hella gay. Check out my webcam. See more vids at boobiesboobiesboobies.com Her reach is truly amazing.
Staying in Britain, the British Medical Journal refuted a number of common medical myths in their most recent edition. Apparently, reading in dim light isn't bad for your eyes, and you don't need to drink eight glasses of water a day. No word yet on whether other common medical beliefs are true or not.
Oh my god. I'm blind. I can't see. How did this happen? What's going on? Oh, the masturbating.
Anyway, a new study released this month shows that children raised in orphanages have lower IQs than their peers. No big surprise there. If they were so smart, they'd know who their parents were. Duh.
NASA astronaut Daniel Taney wasn't able to attend his mother's funeral yesterday. That's because he's currently circling the Earth in the International Space Station. Taney was, however, responsible for his mother's obituary. When asked how he felt about missing the funeral, Taney said he was, quote, over the moon.
And that honestly, he really just needed some space. crack.com would like to apologize for the preceding puns. And finally, the news on crack, this is true, received a message via MySpace from one Annie Kay. Annie Kay wanted a shout out during the show, but I'm sorry, Annie Kay. We won't pander. We won't give a shout out like, hey, Annie Kay in Wisconsin, word up. That's just not our thing. Let's not have crack.com rolls.
That's it for today's Christmas Eve edition of the news on crack. Check back tomorrow for our Christmas Day edition since we never sleep. And by the way, the correct answer was D, the jolly green giant. |
cracked | why_popes_dress_like_that_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Amen. So it's a decided Marvin you have served the Catholic Church faithfully and well You will be our next Pope. May God bless you and grant you long life and rule yogurt. Thank you Really great really great to hear.
I really like what you've done for me really honestly Your holiness is something troubling you what's troubling me the Pope What could possibly be troubling me? I'm just there regular old I'm afraid I don't follow But I Moved here too wrong for this. I thought it'd be like a banner or something doesn't matter though We are here to serve a God. Yes, that's exactly right, right So if a God were looking down on us from heaven, then we all kind of look like exactly the same So if you want to pick oh, there's the Pope like really quickly He'd be kind of hard-pressed, you know, and you think a banner would Like a hat like a big God the hat something to stand out I'm not the show that would be in line with our vows of humble poverty your grace They're not that Jesus say close and make the man All right, that's one of his yes not to Question your grace, but what's that to God? You want me to wear a big white hat and a robe with the rhinestones and a scepter Sorry, Bishop Brown you were lecturing me on Jesus I was distracted because God was speaking to me directly. So I'm sure we could put something together your holiness And now I'm afraid I'm too more earthly and pressing matters For some time there has been a crisis of having put Leo on the sash Sorry, it's just he's gonna do it now. I don't want to have to do it twice Sash I thought it was about it was a hat which by the way How would I gotta see that if he's looking down?
Wouldn't he just see like a roof and stuff Leo a to Leo the great to it means the greater lion But your name is Marvin. I'm sorry the infallible guy must be a mistake No, no, no Leo the great I beg your pardon it was I who was a mistake cool well, I also want a room that only I can go into and a Carriage to drive me around. We'll call it the popomo carriage You got to be too safe when you're driving around at the great a lion to I can we know Know Leo To the great. Yeah sick Anyway, I think that's about it actually I'm done here, but we've only begun there are many grave issues that need your attention Yes, we must let the people know there is a new top in town I'm thinking a pyrotechnics or like like a white a bill we smoke The new guy. I don't know. He says his name's a Leo and he's wearing a giant the shiny hat is a pea something Pimp I got you.
Well back it to our very sad lives Hey guys, I'm Adam Ganser I'm a writer and producer and director at the site and I just wanted to thank you for a great 2012 Let you know there's a lot of really cool videos coming up next year You're gonna love all of them. I hope or I won't I guess I won't do them anymore Anyway subscribe please to the site so we'll make more videos Because I make I make about a quarter of whatever we make on every video if you like them |
cracked | the_best_fan_theory_about_negan_s_origin_cracked_responds | Hello, welcome to The Walking Talk, a show that will deliver on at least half of the premise in the title. So, episode three of Walking Dead, season seven. Not a lot happened, not a lot going on in this episode. No, it was called The Cell because it mostly took place in a small box with naked Daryl. It was kind of about them breaking Daryl and trying him just stubbornly refusing to be broken. Yeah, it was also a surprisingly Dwight-heavy episode.
If you don't know who Dwight is, neither do most of us. He is the gentleman with the burnt face. One of Negan's lieutenants, he got his dick bitten. Man, the world is just s*** on Dwight.
Negan ended up marrying his wife in exchange for them not being killed. He's clearly the guy that's going to betray Negan if that's going to happen at some point. He's going to betray Negan and he is going to die trying to get Daryl's forgiveness.
That is my prediction for Dwight. And this episode felt like it was just giving us enough Dwight so that we could pretend to care about his character when he dies. It opens with two minutes of Dwight making a sandwich. We see the history of the lettuce and the tomato and the eggs. And that's pretty much the tone of the episode from there on.
We see that they have a little fenced in area where they have zombies walking around fighting prisoners. Right, the zombie gladiators, which Dwight seems to enjoy watching with the sandwich. I mean, I guess at this point they must be really used to the smells coming out of there that you can just eat.
And that's the other thing we get is a glimpse of Negan's room. We thought we'd do a little segment about Negan's room.
Because right away we see, I mean, probably the first thing everybody knows is his old man chair. He's got an old man recliner. Looks really comfy. Yeah, it's super comfy.
It's next to the TV, but it's not facing the TV. But when he comes to watching old VHSs of Who's the Boss, which I assume he does, I'm sure he maneuvers the chair, I assume, or the TV's on wheels. He's trying to show the importance of the bookshelves more than the TV. Right, he wants people to know that he reads. At least he tries to be.
He also has one sad little fern, which he's clearly taking care of. So all in all, he basically, his room looks like a divorced dad's apartment. It's like the saddest little bachelor pad.
He's still wearing the freakin' jacket, and he's got the bat, and he's got the undershirt. He's clearly, it's a uniform, it's a costume at this point. And Negan is clearly, this is his midlife crisis. He saw one movie, he saw Grease and decided, yeah, that's what cool is. Yeah, I guarantee that leather jacket was probably something that he's had in his closet since high school. He's a ridiculous man. But he seems to be having a lot of fun.
By the way, where do you think the compound was originally? Like it looks like an old school? Yeah, his room looks like it was a classroom or like a staff room or something.
We've seen a rail station that was turned into a cannibal farm. We've seen a prison that they turned into a farm, and we saw a farm. So I don't know what we're gonna get out of this. Probably another farm.
We know that Negan has a flair for the dramatic because he sets up these little scenes. Like he did with Rick in the foggy zombie area in the first episode. Like he knew where that was. He knew that it was going to be dramatic. He's clearly done these a million times before.
Then they leave the door open for Daryl in his cell. He sneaks out, and then they catch him at the last minute because they clearly were planning it the whole time, and they wanted to test his loyalty.
He's done the I'm Negan, I'm everywhere thing before, and swung, but then not swung the bat at them. Yes, and then he does that to Daryl in this one, which Daryl doesn't flinch, and he admires that about Daryl. Yeah, Negan really seems to like Daryl a lot. Yes, and so does Dwight because Dwight is wearing all of Daryl's shit. Daryl's not having any of that shit. Daryl says no. Yes, the finale of the episode is basically Daryl refusing his call and response.
Who are you? Yeah. As an act of defiance. So we're gonna see, I don't know, six more episodes of just this. And I guess that would lead us to predictions. Okay, yeah.
I don't know how many episodes Dwight is going to last. I'd say mid-season, like he's gonna stand up against Negan, and that's gonna be the end of him. What do you think will happen to Dwight's wife, who is currently Negan's bride-to-be, Sherry?
That's a good question because she really seems like, in the background story that we get, she was the one that offered herself to be his bride so that they could both live. So I mean, she's a survivor. I think she might make it through the season. I could also see her getting eaten by zombies. I feel like she would be a solid zombie kill.
Yeah. I could see her being used as Dwight's motivation to betray Negan eventually. That makes a lot of sense. They will be the impetus for Daryl escaping. We'll lead up to the final battle with Rick and Ezekiel against Negan. Do you think that's gonna close out this season? It feels like they're gonna stretch out Negan like they did the governor.
Right. Because why wouldn't they? Right, exactly.
Because everybody is enjoying Negan. Everybody seems to love Negan, so why wouldn't they have him for another, an extra season? It'll be at the end of next season that Negan gets his comeuppance.
How do you think that's gonna happen? That's a good question. Are we predicting way too far ahead, man? It's hard to tell.
What are your thoughts on season 11? My thoughts on season 11.
Okay. Carl has a baby. Okay. Rick is a grandpa. Okay. I think at that point, Carol is living homeless in the woods. Okay. I think Daryl is the president. Yes. Of the New Zombie America. Right.
Still not wearing any sleeves ever. No. That's not gonna happen.
This Saturday, I'm going to be with the crack team doing the live podcast at the UCB Theater Sunset at 7 o'clock. We're gonna be talking about all kinds of crazy things. It's gonna be so good that we haven't even come up with a topic yet, because I've filmed this way in the past. But by the time you're watching this video, we will have a topic, and it's gonna be great. And I'm gonna be there. |
cracked | old_movies_used_to_just_shoot_real_bullets_at_people | Back in the old days of Hollywood, stunts and special effects were real. Meaning actors never did scenes with tennis balls and Pierce Brosnan couldn't lazily windsurf on the least believable tsunami ever created. But if you go back even further, before even crudely basic special effects and safety measures had been invented, you'll find movies that were so real that they ranged from grossly irresponsible to outright murderous. For instance, actors used to get shot at all the time. In today's films, shooting effects are usually achieved with blanks, tiny explosives called squibs, and if that's too much trouble, a dose of computer magic. But early Hollywood didn't have access to such fancy tools, so whenever you see a gunfight in a particularly old movie, there's a solid chance the people on screen are really getting shot at.
Now blanks existed, but blanks only make it look like a gun is being fired. To simulate a bullet hitting a wall or window next to an actor, they simply paid a guy to shoot it. Like for real. Even cannon fire. All of the cannon fire in 1915's The Birth of a Nation is actual artillery, because the pyrotechnics to fake it hadn't been invented yet. That movie infamously glorifies the KKK, but considering it also shoots live cannons at them, maybe we should just call it a wash. Legendarily insane director Cecil B. DeMille disliked using blanks, because he thought live ammunition looked more realistic, and I guess you can't argue with that. For his 1915 film The Captive, he wanted a scene where some soldiers blast their way through a door with real bullets, because it would look rad as shit. Then for the next scene, they were to rush inside and continue to shoot out with blanks.
Wanna guess what happened? Yep.
Somebody forgot to swap out their real bullets, and an actor got fucking killed. Even after squibs to simulate bullet strikes were invented, some movies still insisted on live ammunition. Action movies even ran ads boasting that they'd used real bullets in their shootout scenes. The studios would hire marksmen, whose job it was to shoot around the actors. You know, for safety. In William Wellman's 1931 gangster film The Public Enemy, very famous actor James Cagney nearly became an equally famous manslaughter victim, when his character ducked around a corner an instant before a hail of studio-approved gunfire tore it apart. After nearly getting shot again on the set of the movie Taxi, Cagney declared he wouldn't work with live ammo ever again, and helped found the Screen Actors Guild, which, among other things, cemented actors' rights to not be literally shot at during a production, and nothing bad ever happened to an actor again.
And they will send you a notification every time you put up a new one. |
cracked | hilarious_chilean_tv_edit_of_star_wars_goes_viral | The localized version of the Star Wars films have been a massive hit in online spaces ever since the famous, poorly translated Chinese bootleg of the sequel trilogy got an English dub.
Down in Chile, when the original Star Wars trilogy first aired on TV stations in 2003, the marketers opted to subtly splice in specially filmed product placements into the movie featuring a beer brand popular in both South America and parts of Tatooine.
Twitter user atheyitswindy posted reconstructed clips from the immaculate Cerveza Cristal broadcast with the English audio track added back in after the Spanish-language website Vida Extra published an article about the peculiar airing.
Almost immediately, Star Wars Twitter demanded to see all three movies of the Cerveza Cristal cut in their entirety.
Right now, Star Wars sleuths and internet investigators are tracking down more and more pieces of the Cerveza Cristal cut in search of that fabled full broadcast that hopefully still exists on a stack of VHS tapes in someone's Chilean dads. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bob_katter_on_meeting_the_king_and_queen_of_spain_and_signing_slim_dusty | Well, we just there's just one thing I want to ask if you can finish these particular lines I Think you got it in here. You seem to be a big fan of this particular musician From Townsville to Greenvale. We're building the lawn through the ranges and gorgeous to the great dickle mine Though the long days are dusty and hotter than hell. That's why we all worship three rivers Hotel. He nailed it God bless all listeners Title of my book is an incredible race of people and we are an incredible race of people and I'll finish on this night through some monumental Stuff up.
I ended up entertaining the king and queen of Spain as a junior minister It was so embarrassing when they found out people would have been killed And I won't go into how it happened but these two people they're not like our king and queen these people They have real power. They're more like an American president and the Queen said Has anyone read the book The Fatal Shore? I said yes majesty I have and she said is that yes Yes, ma'am. She's very authentic. That is the cauldron of Australia and Yes story of man's and humanity to me and it's an absolutely brutal story Written in Whitehead by Malcolm Toobler's father-in-law's brother but so she said you Australians are you Yes, majesty. One in three of us have first Australian or a convict in the family tree I might certainly have in fact that branch the family is still convicts She gave me a good giggle and she said so you Australians Descended from all of that. I said with respect majesty. We ascended She laughed and she said what an incredible race of people you are and that's the name of the book An incredible race of people of course.
We didn't have anything easy. We didn't have anything easy and And You know, I always tell the story of mine and I'm not going to do that today but the story of my own battalion the 49th battalion and the history at Kokoda and That is the most extraordinary story I think in all the annals of war it would be hard to find a story that would rival the story of Kokoda And if ever we the title of an incredible race of people we had it up there on Kokoda |
dropout | the_necromancer | Hello everyone, welcome back to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jessica. With me is my co-host. I'm Rekha. And we are so lucky to have with us two amazing guests. He puts the romance in necromance. Let's give it up for Luke. Pleasure to be here. And we are so excited to have with us a romance expert. Please give it up for Allie. Hi, thank you so much for having me. Oh, of course. Thank you for joining us. Will you guys give us a little scoop on your relationship with erotic books? Yes.
This is the first erotic, full erotic book that I've ever read in my life and I'm angry about it. Angry that it took you this long? Angry that it took me this long and angry that this was the first one.
All right, okay. Allie.
I'm an avid reader of both romance and erotica. My favorite genre would probably be Regency era. Big fan of Julia Quinn, big fan of Lisa Kiplos. So yeah, also did a little bit of writing as well, Ghost Wrote, two pretty mediocre erotic novels. Ooh. Those are our favorite kinds of media.
And thank you guys for being with us as always. If you subscribe to Dropout, you can check it out first. We also have it on CH2 a couple weeks later, but it's so much fun to be there first. And to also, when you're on Dropout, you can be on the Discord with us. It's a channel where you can talk to us and we have so much fun on there. We have a couple things from our fans.
Room Magic warns everyone, if they're at my house, not to touch the blue blanket that alludes to the episode Vikings in Space, where I mentioned that my lover, Caitlin, puts a blanket over me while we make love and I like it. I don't remember Jessica ever saying it was blue, but it is. I was a little scared that it was mentioned blue because it is blue, so I'm going to review that tape. And also, if I didn't, Room Magic, we got to talk.
There's also some beautiful fan art in there from some past episodes and some heated Nessie debate. Oh, yes. So we're going to just to hear a really beautiful description of Wet for Nessie, the last book we read. Here's a description one user wrote. A woman bones down with her best friend, Nohomo, the Loch Ness Monster, and a grizzled sailor with a dad bod all on the same weekend on a college trip. What a succinct, what an economic use of words. That's exactly what happens in that book. Here's another description. Each girl is on a Nessie dick right next to each other and then they do the gay on top of the Nessie dicks. I think that's also a very succinct description of what happens in that book. And then someone gave this very apt description of Nessie that I love.
Nessie is a pillow princess, which Rekha wasn't familiar with that term. It's in the lesbian community when one woman won't go down on the other woman. She just puts a little pillow princess had on the pillow the whole time. And that's absolutely what Nessie's doing with his little ladle body, just flat beached on the sand, dry as hell, eczema to the heavens.
I'm shocked that he has more than one penis. Yeah. And a tail that you can suck. I think we all were. Yeah.
You want to get in on this conversation. You want to get in on the discord. We're having a lot of fun there.
But today is not about Nessie's two dicks. That was last time. Today is about the necromancer from the necromancer Chronicles book one by DR Ross here.
We've been talking a bit about it before the podcast. We have a wide array of feelings about this book, so you're going to hear it all. But in case you have not read along, I always don't want you to be a part of the conversation. So here are the characters that you're going to hear.
There's a lot of them. We have Vincent. He is the necromancer. We have a niece. She is an angel and something else. What else is she? There's a whole list.
He's like a Game of Thrones style like family tree on his. If I could just just for one moment. He's shaking.
The things in this book that really were going to get me off are the accuracy and to the fantasy. Is she a fantasy? And I thought it was lacking.
She's a Nephilim and a Nephilim is like in sort of the Judeo-Christian faith is honestly, it's where it comes from. It's in the Bible. It's like the offspring of a son of God and the daughter of man, meaning an angel came down from heaven, had sex with a woman, and then they had a baby.
So that's what she is. I think she's immortal. She's also a sorceress. And she has control of all of the elements. And that's just one person.
So this book is intense. They pile it on. And I don't want to. Actually, for our fans, will you also just fill us in on what a necromancer is in case somebody doesn't know?
Yes.
So Vincent is a necromancer. He's a sort of magic user spellcaster that specifically communes with the dead. He'll commune with ghosts and use them for power and for knowledge. So he gets his powers from ghosts and specifically boning ghosts. He never bones a ghost. Jessica. Oh, he bones people. I mean, he has nothing to do with being a necromancer.
Yes. That's my question. Okay.
Because Vincent's a very special necromancer. And the familiar necromancer is rare. Vincent is also a demon, all right, because his father was a warlock and his mother was a demon.
Okay. Interracial. Yes. It's nice. Almost every character has a backstory that is that in depth. So it is a little more attractive. And that's the stuff that's going to get me going.
And it didn't. I know. It didn't.
Luke needs to read a rocker written by like a dragon. When it comes out, I'll be first in line.
Also, you'll hear the names Amy Amy, as you'll find out, is a niece's daughter, a great, great, great granddaughter, Willa, just a hot witch, Leanne, also related to a niece that'll come into play. Lisa, another hot witch, Silas, a baddie.
And I wrote and others. The book has a lot of characters. Can I just I because I prepared this very detailed list, I just want to run down the different. I just want to run down the different kinds of fantasy things you can be in this fantasy. It's funny. I thought it was a term was a fancy fantasy.
You can be a revenant, which is like Harden, the butler. He's a zombie. Harden's my favorite character. Yes. Zombie. You can be a revenant, which is a dead body that has been inhabited by a ghost or a human.
That's it. Or a fae. Yeah. Which we don't even see in this. But it's mentioned. It is.
Party, sexy baby. Spicy. Spicy the demon. Scary, posh, ginger.
You can be one of anything. So let's get into the story of this. That was a lot, but it is also, as you read this, it's very intricate with the rules of who is what and what that means. And it is very dense. So that was really a perfect little blip of what was hundreds of pages to read.
Yes. So we meet Vincent. He's in the middle of... Vincent is kind of, in my mind, like this hellboy-ish dude who people come to him, ghosts, to help out people who are humans, and in return, he will help them. And they have to be his slave for like 10 years, and then they don't have to be a slave anymore. Right. And they do a lot of heavy lifting in the book to describe how much of a good guy Vincent is. Yes. He's like a very chivalrous demon. Yeah. They want to do this, yeah, that he has these people that he's in control of, but they do want to try to make it somewhat consensual, and everyone's on the same page and likes what's happening.
Like in the first chapter, when he has sex with April, it's like a woman at a bar that he sees, and he can tell that she has desire for him. He makes a very, very long point to say, like, I would never sleep with someone who wanted a relationship. I would only have one-night stands with women, and I only do it once so that I don't suck their souls out.
Right. Yeah. I'm very nice. Because of his demon side. Yes. Yeah. I was going to say, he also compliments himself for not fucking his 10 or 15-year-old ghost friend. He's complimenting himself a lot. Yeah.
So we meet him. He's doing all that. And then we also meet Anise. So Anise is he, Vincent is in Chicago, Anise is in Seattle, and she's not going by the name Anise yet.
We're just kind of meeting this woman who goes to a club as well, and then a thing with a bunch of, a council of vampires is happening. She interrupts, makes everybody stop being bad, and then that's when we find out that she's part angel. Can I just hop in again for the fantasy world? In the cities, there are councils of supernaturals. So of all these different kinds of supernaturals, one person can decide to be on the council. So there'd be one vampire on the council, one sorcerer on the council, and if you want to take a vampire seat on the council and you're a vampire, you challenge them, and you have a show of power.
Yeah.
She has the show of power where she draws all the elements in to form a symbol, but what I wondered is, what symbol is she making? They never say what the symbol looks like, and I always imagined it was like a smiley face. Like it's an emoji. Like a winky face.
Something very pure and wholesome like an angel would, but an angel that like also fucks. I thought of everything when it talked about energies as kind of like Pocahontas colors of the wind. Like it's kind of just swirling around everybody in this like pretty sexy way, and I was so into that. The energies in this book, because I never, it truly made me think about sex in a different way because a lot of the people talk about like energies and light coming from themselves and like feeling that.
And I was like, that is so fucking cool. Yeah. Like, yeah. And then the colors have sex with each other. I just thought that that was really neat. And I liked that a whole lot. Yeah.
I didn't because I didn't understand the magic. I wanted to understand the fantasy part. Something you can't, you can't explain already. I think they could have just done more to...
All right. Allie, did you like this sort of energy based sexual? Yes. I think that sometimes with erotica, you get into these really graphic like, oh, she grabbed my cock and then like, oh, my seed went everywhere. And I think that when it's described through like her like air spirit like, you know, tickled my labia with a thousand little like cold hands, I'm like, that's new, that's creative. It's a new take. And I thought it was the magic sex was really well done in the book. I was... Yeah. We were talking about this earlier. We were talking about sexual sex in this book because we've read a few fantasy erotica books previously and they don't take advantage. I still think this book could have taken way more, given the amount of powers that all these people have, could have taken a lot more advantage of what these beings could do. But I was happy there was some like non human sex stuff and scenes in this book. Yeah. So we... Yeah. Jumping ahead.
Sorry. I'm sorry, because there's a bit of a fight in Seattle.
She intervenes, but then she has to leave. So she's kind of a healer, but she leaves every three years from a place because she doesn't want people to get on to her. She like works as a nurse places, but she can't heal people too much.
She also, this part I thought was so sad. It was like interview with a vampire esque, like very tragic romantic. She has like a vault where she puts pictures of all of her old families that she used to have. She's immortal. Most of them are immortal. And it's just so sad to me to think that she, she like found love and happiness, then lost it and probably was like, I'm never going to do this again. But she's lived long enough to where then she forgot about that and was like, I'm going to try again and then does it again. And then she's done that for centuries.
Isn't that so sad? Yes. It's a vicious cycle. That should be a movie. So here's my counter, aren't you? It's not sad. As an immortal being and who's lived for thousands and thousands of years, I feel like the sting would start to become less of that. You know, after a couple hundred times that she has had this relationship or whatever, in my mind, logically, eventually that's just going to start to wear off.
But she's an angel and she's very hard. She loves too much. I think it's a little nice to show that she isn't over it despite having to do it so many times. It speaks to the power of love.
All right. You told me then. One thing I did on that point, I was like, you know, she's been alive since before Jesus Christ. That was something she said. And that's old. That's old. You have to remember. That's old. Yeah. That's real.
She's not 25. She's at least 6,000 years old because the biblical version of the earth is 6,000 years old.
Hot. The real hot.
You would think that she would have figured out sooner to like, have sex with other immortal beings instead of like, like having sex with humans. Yeah.
But she likes what she loves. The heart wants what the heart wants. The heart wants. And she wants that human. You ain't nothing like a human being. I love it like it.
So sweaty. I'm so stinky. So nasty. Human hearts, they're just like dirty and they can get corrupted with fats.
Yeah.
Fats.
She has her two leads ending up in Chicago. She's like, I can no longer be in Seattle. I must go to Chicago. So she goes to Chicago and then she kind of meets up with the council there.
Each city has their own council and this council is having their own issue. There's some vampires who want to take over. There's a couple of witches who are just kind of like staying out of it, even though they know that it's wrong.
And this is our crew, Willa, Leanne, all of our witch girls who I love. This is the craft, in my mind, I cast it. It's all the hotties from the craft and we're gonna have some fun. Yes, the witches are good. The witch stuff is the best part. It's incredible. Although, they front-load Aneesa's stuff so much with the political stuff, like the council and all these things, that I don't think it did her justice in the beginning because Vince is front-loaded with all these fucking scenes, and hers is council, council, council, and then we get to witch sex, which was the best. Good, I liked it.
And then all she says, too, is, I hate politics, and it's like, why do we keep talking about politics then? It's a world where I don't even understand. She's getting dragged into the politics of every city she's in. So she meets these witches. It's also pointed out, Aneesa's literally the most powerful being in the world that we are established are.
And very rich. And also owns an island. Yeah, not very rich. They're all pretty rich, even Vincent is rich.
Because his zombie booker, your favorite character. Okay, Hardin is my favorite character because he was like, instead of being your ghost slave, why don't I be your ghost accountant?
Your stock broker.
You know what, yeah, I wanna keep living and I wanna be a zombie that does your taxes. Yeah, he's a stock market wizard. And I've never seen that either. I would love that movie. I would love a movie, like the zombie finance man. The zombie from Wall Street. It's that trading place. Fucking Gordon Geckos on me.
Yes, so she moves into town. She meets these witches, kinda senses bad things are going down and the witches are like, oh, you should live with us while you're looking for a place. There's also a lot about Aneesa trying to find furniture. She's the most powerful being in the world. But she's shopping at Ikea waiting for them to deliver her furniture. That speaks to something deeply human that no one can find affordable furniture. It doesn't matter how powerful you are. She's got a two bedroom high rise in Chicago. One of the most expensive cities in America. But she can't find furniture. She can't find furniture. So she lives with the girls.
They go out for a night of dancing. Kinda like coyote ugly style. Which I love. Have you guys had a night like this where you get up and dance on the bar top?
No, I haven't. Just in college. Those days are over though. I don't think I've ever danced on a bar top.
The only scenes I made in a bar were involved me throwing up in the bathroom. I threw up in a bathroom in a bar.
In the pig and whistle in New York. Oh, that's fun.
I throw up in Hemingway's in Pittsburgh. Ooh, literary. It was very literary. I felt like Hemingway.
I bet he puked a lot. Yeah, it's the shortest story he ever told. Yeah, I puked this morning.
So she goes out, she treats herself to a steak and a load of potato. She has three spiked coffees at an Irish bar. Yeah, okay, everyone in this book drinks mixed cocktails and I fucking love it. There's tequila sunrise, there's white Russian, there's Irish coffees.
What they drink makes milk a little sick. So much milk in this book.
The Constitution of Gods, okay.
I was gonna say that they do have a very high calorie diet for such tiny women. You're like Michael Phelps. It was like they were eating a lot of red meat, drinking a whole bunch, but I guess magic. Yeah, loaded potatoes, but I guess magic is just a really great way to calorie burn. Yeah, totally. If you're pulling the forces of the elements, that involves a lot of calorie burning. No, it is a Michael Phelps situation. They're eating four steaks or whatever.
And also, the perfect woman looks great and can eat like a man, of course. Oh my God, she's got that perfect seat cup boobs and the small waisted, she could eat 70 loaded potatoes. Oh baby.
Something I can't believe that hasn't come up yet. Vincent, every time he describes a woman, mentions her cup size. Yeah, like we were flipping back and forth, like is this ghost written by a woman or is this written by a man, is it partly both? And it's like, that is some sort of man shit. Like, wow, and the woman walked in with her perfect, almost, sea cup boobies. It comes down to the point where. Oh no, no, no, please. Where a character becomes a ghost and then it requests a body. And Vincent's like, oh, I don't know if I have any bodies. Wait a minute, yeah, I do. And he brings out two and they spend a full two paragraphs describing these, and this is like the height of the, this is like the climax of the action of like, holy shit, something terrible has just happened. This person's now a ghost. Let's take two paragraphs to describe the breast size of these dead bodies. Yeah.
The way he always describes it though, the author or Vincent, it's always like, age, hair color length, and then breast size. Yeah, and that's what a woman is. That's what a woman is, is her age, her hair and her boobs. And then the age thing, it's like if her age is good, like it's just the age, but if her age is like above 30 or whatever, he'll be like, and the signs of age haven't killed her yet. One woman was like 35 and they were like, she's somehow still beautiful. And they just got, it's like, formerly a 10, now maybe an eight as time ravaged her body.
Oh my god. Horrible.
But Vincent's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a super guy. Super good, good, good boy.
I hate Vincent. Yeah, I mean, we're not talking about it much because I also hate him, and there's only so much you could say that you hate this dude.
Yes. And Amy. Did we even talk about Amy yet? Amy is his, he always plays bonded. So Amy comes in and plays pretty big too.
Yeah, yeah. Well, she starts off as a vampire who is under his control, but she's the only bond that's an unconcented bond. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's save, she's attacking him. But then later, after this big battle, am I skipping ahead? Oh no, that's fine.
After this big battle, to save her, he bonds them in a new way in which she's no longer a vampire, but she's now a witch. A lich. And a lich. A witch. A witch lich. A lich, and a bitch. A lich. She's a lich girl. From what I can gather from this, what this author's trying to do is, she started out as a witch because she's the granddaughter of a niece.
Yes. She gets turned into a vampire. That's a big fucking deal. Whenever a vampire, whenever a magical person gets turned into a vampire, that's huge. Because they're dead now. Yes. And then another necromancer bonds to her, sends her to kill Vincent.
Vincent, instead of killing her, because he's such a good guy. He's a good guy. He bonds, he like supersedes that bond. So now she's his vampire witch slave, and he would never have sex with her. Yeah. He would never have sex with anybody who's like bonded to him. Yes. I mean like, cool. His whole thing is like, I don't wanna have sex with anybody, but I have to have sex, cause I have to feed on people's souls so I can survive. And that's why he's a good guy, cause he doesn't want to. But he has to.
But the souls also regenerate a little. It's like, oh, after time, they'll get their soul back. How that works. Right. So then they plant this little seed that he has sex with humans, it takes them a long time to regenerate their soul. If he has sex with another supernatural, it takes a much quicker time. So isn't that convenient? Yeah. That he's just around all of these witches, and who find him really fucking hot.
And I don't know what he looks like besides his penis. And even then. Even then, they don't tell you. Because right, we know the cup size of everyone.
He's 25. Rekha, you know when he looks like 25. He's 25. He's perfect dead. He's 25, and he describes his penis.
This is an important line. This is important, and so I do need to find it. Sorry, let me just pull this up. It is notes.
Okay, this is Puckered Star. Oh, Puckered Star.
T-cup, T-cup. While Rekha's looking, it might surprise you all, there were no egg cups in the book. So sadly for my egg cup girls out there, we're underrepresented.
Also, sorry again to my women of color out there. These are all fucking white people. Anyone who is remotely not white is described as having Asian features or some dumb shit like that.
So does it say if... Sorry for it. Okay, well here's one description. This isn't the one I was looking for, but my manhood expanded within her tightening channel as I started to fill her with my batter. So that's something I know about him. Batter up? That, he's got nice little pancake batter jizz. I don't like that. I don't wanna brag about my size. Oh, yes. Yes. I don't want to brag about my size, but let's just say it's another part of what I am and leave it at that. I don't know, you're gonna have to say more.
I imagine that his dick was covered in blue flame. You imagine a supernatural dick. Yeah, because it's part of who he is. And I wish I would have. And I wish you would say that, because I'm like, no, you're a freak man. I don't know what your dick looks like. Tell me. You're half demon and half necromancer. Because at this point, a regular human penis is not gonna impress me.
Are sometimes things vague so that you can fill in the blanks? I think so. Because I often find myself filling in the blanks and enjoying that. Sometimes, that's why I personally prefer romance over erotica is because there's more vagueness and it allows you to more put yourself in the position. You get too bogged down with the details.
You get stuff like, oh, I sprayed my batter into her. And then you're like, I don't have batter.
I can't relate to this. I can't relate to that at all. This is just making me weird.
When you start citing women's band sizes. Yeah, but it might have been strategic from the author to not have clear descriptions of Vincent. That way, you can picture a man or whatever. I picture Vincent as maybe Jeff Goldblum. For instance.
The first time I think I've read one that was written by a man and from a man's point of view. And I did find it interesting because in Notebook, I've read what somebody's penis feels like when something's happening. And I don't know what that feels like. So I thought that that was kind of interesting. It did feel like a 13 year old boy who's never had sex was telling me about it. So, and he had undivided attention for hours.
I'm really big in my balls. She loves my balls. I kissed her so hard. I even put my tongue in it.
I don't remember Vincent eating anyone out.
He does. Yeah, yeah. I'm good for him. I think he's an intensive lover. He just is like, sucks, he just sucks.
Okay, so council stuff happens. Basically they're trying to- Oh, they meet at this vampire council. So the new council in Chicago, this guy Silas, the naughty man I told you about, he's trying to make everything bad for everybody. They want Amy because she is so powerful and they also don't like that a vampire was stolen by this guy. So they're like, bring Amy to us.
And in that process, she is cured of her vampirism. And becomes a lich. Yes.
And then that is also how a niece- They literally don't explain. They don't explain how that happens, but magic.
Sometimes things just happen in life, Luke. That's true, it is. God damn it. That's a lesson you need to learn right now.
I think it happened because of the love magic they had together. They both loved each other.
You're two up here and I think you need to be a little bit more here. And for those of you listening, I touch my head and then my heart. My ear, this ear, my heart, is dead and cold. It's all better.
I wanna be fucked in the mind. I can't get my mind fucked, baby.
Hey, good for you. Thank you.
So that is also when a niece sees Vincent for the first time and I love this and I thought this was metal as fucking that you would like it and I'm a bit mad that you didn't. She sees him, no one else in the room can see this because they're all vampires, but he's surrounded by his ghost beings. And I just thought that was cool. If that was in a movie, I think someone would say, that's pretty cool.
It's like in- Someone, not me. No, me. I'm the someone.
And the theater would go, hey, that's cool.
Everyone would be like, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
I've been to movies with Jess. She does this all the time. She's like, she comments on every scene. She's like, that was a cool scene. That was a bad scene. I also love, in this podcast and in the previous one, you had some good friends on and you had really specific like, Andrew's gonna love this. Luke's gonna love this and they both hate it.
I don't know my friends, they don't like. You don't know their sexual preferences. They share their sexual preferences with me.
There are things in this book that I think were interesting and cool. I think that for me, as a fantasy fan, the author didn't do enough work for me to buy it, you know what I mean? So like, yes, that is an interesting thing, but there was so much before that that for me, I couldn't get on board with because it wasn't like, shown to me in the way that made me believe it. That's so interesting because like, from an erotic fan's perspective, I was thinking too much fantasy.
Way, way, way too much. More, like, too much.
I don't care about the rules. Okay, let's see where you and I are different. More. That's what you're saying on opposite sides. Yeah. Because you would fight other ones. I agree with Ally.
As someone, I am sorry to say, I hate this kind of book. And so the more rules, the less I'm listening and less I'm paying attention and the more taken out of it I am. I want, the rules can be as fuzzy as shit. I wanna believe that these people want to fuck and I wanna like the sex scenes. It's hard to recap because it's like, and then shit I didn't care about happened and now we're at the lesbian witch house.
Which is cool. Which is good.
It was a tragedy when, we can get to that, right? Because they infiltrate the council, essentially. Vincent and Denise both get on the council and Silas gets ousted. Yeah.
Strangely enough, by neither of those, by the other werewolf, sorry. Just, it literally pops out of nowhere and they comment on it. Also, we didn't talk about how the scene that Vincent has sex with the werewolf woman.
I thought you were gonna say the hoagie scene. Oh yes, in the midst of all this. In the midst of all this, my favorite line in the whole book was that they take a break for lunch and have hoagies. And these at one point lived in the tri-state area. Yeah, of course, Seattle.
She's in like the Cherry Hill area. She went to Wawa. She got a shorty for nine minutes. Turkey shorty with mayo and all that stuff, you know.
But they take over the council, essentially. But Silas is still on the prowl. Yes. I did think that the scenes where Vincent has sex with the werewolf woman were hot. Ooh, we got him! Okay, what about the scene, though, where while he's having sex with the werewolf woman, her mother, her ghost mother, is watching them fuck hot? Oh yeah, so.
Is that a threesome? Or is it a cuckold?
I don't even know.
So one part that we haven't gotten into is that there's also, a niece is kind of related to like three percent of the people that we meet in the book. And she does partake in sexual activities with all of them. It is mentioned, she's, as we know, born before Christ, as old as the earth is. And she has, they want to all have sex together and they want to share this man together.
And it is a bit odd because it does feel long enough ago where it's not an issue, but because you bring it up, it feels like it is an issue. Yeah. Because did it have to be that way?
Yeah, but they also imply, oh, but we can't have kids. We're lesbians doing it, so it doesn't really matter. Which, that's not okay. It does matter. We're not having sex with our sisters. Yeah, incest matters across the board. Well, Amy specifically cannot have children because of her lich status.
So her solution? Do not call her that. Look, that's our work.
Amy is such a lich, okay? I'm so sorry to the lich community. I apologize.
You're going down for this one. This court's gonna be up in arms.
But she can't have a child, so she can't have a proper relationship with Vincent because you need to have a child to own it, but they want one. So what's her solution?
She asked her grandma. Fuck my grandma. She asked her grandma to fuck Vincent and have her kids. I think one grandmother wouldn't do that for you. Every grandmother.
Something that bothers me is, or if I was a niece, Amy always calls a niece, grams. And I'd be like, hey, can you please not call me grandma in front of all of my sexual partners? Because it's gonna be cool. I'm trying to convince people that I'm 25, not 6,000. But when you call me grams. And also, we both said, okay, it doesn't matter. We're far enough in DNA and this and that to not have it be a thing. And then you keep saying grams, so then it's like, we are related.
It reminds the reader in a way that's like, yeah. I guess it's supposed to get the other way. In the step-brother way. More shit happens, then they go to the Caribbean. Oh! That's a big surprise. The private island that we mentioned, they do all go.
There's this fucking lot. There's this orangey, there's just too many characters. I can't even keep track of them. That's the thing, there were so many characters that the author literally was like, two characters, this werewolf and this vampire that we don't even know that much, just go off.
And they don't, we don't even hear from them just because there's too many people to keep track of in that hot tub thing that they're all touching each other. But you gotta be careful in hot tubs.
I know I've mentioned, I think I've mentioned this before, but just in fact, in Central, right? Yeah.
But they were in an outdoor grotto. Oh, it's a grotto?
It was like a hot spring. It was like nature's hot tub. It was like. Still hot, still dangerous. Still hot, yeah. God, I wanna be in a hot spring.
But this scene, this scene involves Vincent being surrounded by seven women. So? Yeah, a fantasy dude. What dude, what the hell?
But the whole point of the book is to create. The whole point of the book is to create this harem for Vincent.
He just has like these women who like. That he stumbles upon. He kind of Mr. Magoo's. He does, too. Yeah, this is a Mr. Magoo kind of book. Yes.
Something that I'll say that I liked from like an erotic book perspective is that the sex scenes got increasingly like more magical and more insane. It starts off just like demon human. Then it's like demon werewolf. Then it's like witch orgy. Then it's like literally all the races in a hot tub having sex together in the Caribbean.
And that's beautiful. That's a beautiful arc. We all have to appreciate.
Wow, integration, not a fan, are you, Luke? I'm against.
The melting pot of the Caribbean. Yes, America is the melting pot of the Caribbean.
The reason I didn't like it because it just felt very specifically like he Magoo'd it. This guy barely knows how to do necromancy. He's like the Christopher Columbus of us. This guy's barely necromancy over here. He's honest. He Magoo's his way through his powers, all right?
But like he, it's written in a way that like all these women are just like, oh, this guy is so cool and hot and everything. And it's just like, I don't fucking buy it. As soon as a niece sees him, she's like, he is hot as hell. Yeah.
We'll get a description. So what does he look like? What do you look like to you?
He, honestly, 25 sounds young. So I was like, ew. He probably has like boxes for furniture and stuff like that. Like he's like gross. Stains on his underwear. Clothes are probably like oil stains, like fucking pasta sauce and stuff.
Yeah. So I wasn't, I don't know. He has a mattress on the floor. And he uses sweatshirts as pillows. And every woman wants him. Oh my fucking God. Look, he only has two shirts. Yeah.
I mean, the best scene in the entire book for me is when a niece is with Willa, who they're kind of in, they're my favorite couple in the book. I think they're wonderful together. They're kind of hanging out with the other two girls, the other two witches. And then they just like get the vibe that they want to like do something together, but they want to be sneaky about it. So then a niece puts like her magical powers on Willa.
This was cool. Do it in front of everybody, but nobody knows.
Well, they kind of catch on after her second orgasm. Yeah, orgasm a lot. It's a lot of orgasm.
There have to be so that he can feed off of souls. I thought you knew about necromancy. I guess I'm learning things today. I'm learning so much.
The book ends, and I'm curious about this too, with two people being impregnated. A niece is impregnated with his twins, and then Kim, they defeat, I mean, who even gives a shit? Lest you be worried. Yeah, and then the other, and it's about the third book now we've read where someone ends up pregnant in the end.
Is that like a big thing? Yeah, at least with like the genres that I tend to. Yeah, it's like the happily ever after is like you're pregnant. Do you find it satisfying? Honestly, I usually like just flip through to find the sex scenes. I mean, I guess it's satisfying. Again, it's like, I just think that the narrative in both romance and erotica is just kind of like filler to create tension so that like, yes, the sex scenes are better. But that's why like a baby is such a strange aspect to be common by the end of these because it's like, well, the sex is over.
I don't need this narrative. Yeah, this could button up any other way because it doesn't matter.
And I just love a fling that then ends and it's like, and we thought about how hot it was for the rest of our lives. Maybe it's to set up a sequel with the baby. And there is. That does happen a lot. It's like, that it's like then later on, you do like a series of books and then you do another series with the kids. The sexuality is passed down generation to generation. The hottest family that ever lived. And they kind of all do each other. So maybe that's why it's important too. That is nice. But Anise gets pregnant with twins and then this was very fun. I love this part.
It's not fun. I think it's terrible.
But Vincent gets Kim pregnant, who's the werewolf woman. And they make a big deal of being like, how is this possible? This never happens. Werewolves only mate with other werewolves and they mate for life and they choose their mates.
And the implication is like, Vincent was just such a good lover. Damn. No, it's love magic. And Vincent could fix the insides of any woman with ovarian problems, like a uterus problem. Just like fuck Vincent. Yeah. Oh my God.
All right. It's time to rate this baby. We've got one is a drought. Five is slip out of my chair. Anyone can start. One to five. How do we feel about the necromancer? Sure.
So I'll fully admit that I think I came to the erotic novel in the wrong mindset. I thought you were going to end that. I think I came. We can all admit I came. All right, everyone. I think I came. I think I came looking for a good story and the way that Allie has described erotic novels in that it's just filler to get to the sex parts.
Okay. That's fine.
Are you saying our small little podcast changed one person's mind? I still think I'm going to give this book a one. Have we done our mission? Your mother Teresa. I'm going to give this book a one still because I literally was dry the whole time. And I didn't get turned on by anything. What? You have changed my perspective on the erotic novel.
Allie. Oh my gosh. Beautiful. Allie and the group. But this is still a one. Allie and others. Allie and you two.
And the rest. So that's my rating. One but a better appreciation for the art. One but. Hey, we'll take it. I like it. One but. One. One pucker star. My rating. All the fantasy stuff. One to zero.
Not interested. Was your an option? It's not. No.
One but was too funny. I feel I am owed wetness from the fantasy aspects of this. I was so incredibly bored by it. And I'm so sorry.
The witch sex I will give. I will give a three. Because I think I like that this book actually utilized like magical powers. And even the straight kind of just like more human like sex was still kind of hot. Yeah. So an average of zero to three. I'm gonna give this one a three and a half.
And I wrote like the first chapter and I was like this is the stupidest thing. I can't even get through this.
But as soon as I met Anise, I was really into her. I loved the witch house that everybody lived in. And it really did. I don't know how else to say this. It made me think about things. It was very beautiful.
It's so sad to me that this man, one thing that we didn't mention, I'll do it quick. So he, by having sex with women takes part of their souls. And at one point when he's having sex with someone, he's like, I'm not deserving of being with you. And I know he's a piece of shit, but I also have never heard that in erotic book or the ones that I've read or there's not oftentimes where someone's like, God, I'm like a fucking piece of shit. I don't even deserve love. And I think that that's a very real feeling and a very sad feeling. I think there was profound sadness in this book that I haven't read in other eroticas.
And I enjoyed that a lot too. Sure. This was like a book, book compared to the other ones we have read. Yes, yes.
Compared to say a wet for Nessie. Wet for Nessie.
Which I don't. Which was very profoundly sad. Ally. I give this a three.
I think what was, what was good about it was how creative they got with, I give it a three for like, created for like sexual scenarios. When they got like witch orgy, I was like, nothing is gonna top this witch orgy. And they managed to do that with the like werewolf vampire zombie, you know, orgy in that hot spring.
Caribbean. What, yes, Caribbean.
Why I docket some stars is because I believe that they didn't use enough magical elements within the sexual interactions. I think they just, it would just happen like one time. And I wanted, you know, I wanted like Flaming Demon. Yes. God. It was a check off werewolf. As soon as you said that, I mean, I love that so much. It makes me think of that movie, Mandy. If fucking one of those, Mandy had like flames coming out of their dick, that would be so fucking cool. Yeah. Oh God, I love that. And then what did the babies look like? We got a rebook too. Are they like fireballs?
He looks like that incredible baby. Yeah, it's just the incredible baby. Just the incredible baby.
Thank you so much for being here, guys. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for teaching. Thank you for having us.
For teaching, yeah. Thank you, we all learned. We all learned.
That's what it's all about. Thank you guys for being here. Again, subscribe to Dropout, and you'll get to be on the Discord to talk to us about our next book, Shared by Lumberjacks. It's 99 cents. I'm doing the best I can, people. I'm glad they're sharing. Yeah.
It's book four of the series. We're getting into it. We're starting in the middle. Why book four? Did someone buy it by accident, not looking at the book number? No, we intentionally wanted to read book four of Shared by Lumberjacks by Eddie Cleveland.
And we'll be here next time. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Have a wonderful, sexy day. Yes. Sexually liberated, energy-filled day. Yum. Yummy.
I'd be good at a Caribbean today. Do it yourself to a trip to the Caribbean.
That's what I'm saying. Yay. Hi, I'm Jess. If you like that, subscribe to Dropout, where you can become a part of the exclusive Dropout Discord. I can even tell you my secret for solving one of these. Just take this. Hey-o. Genius. All right. Who's the smarty pants now? |
dropout | what_it_s_like_to_get_into_a_serious_grown_man_friendship | Okay, thank you! No!
Oh, so this is my boyfriend Dante. It is so nice to meet you Dante. This is my boyfriend Larry.
Oh, so I have to go to the bathroom. Me too. Do you think you can just order us some drinks? Ooh, thank you. Thank you. Whiskey, make it a double.
I'm a grown man. You're a grown man? Yeah, I don't know if you notice, but I'm also a grown man. You are a grown man.
Let me ask you something. When you fill out medical forms, do you check off the M or the F? The M. Me too. Hey, this might be a bit of a foreign question, but do you have a penis?
Yes. With hair on it? Yes. Me too! Do you want to go do grown men things? Yes. Yes, I do.
When did you become a grown man? When I was 13, I saw my sister's friend naked. You? Also 13. I'm Jewish. Hello, growing man. Oh, hello, shrinking man.
I like peeing in wall bowls. Me too. Grown women have to pee in floor bowls.
And how? Grown men look sad. Why?
Grown men must go. Grown women? Grown women. Will grown men ever see grown men again? Grown men hope so.
Where have you been, Larry? You completely bailed on me earlier. And why are you so filthy? What the hell happened to you? Larry? I don't know what you're doing out here.
But I need for you to come inside, okay? Because Jesse and her boyfriend, they're coming over for dinner. Jesse and grown man?
What? Man? I mean, her boyfriend? Yes.
Now come inside and get ready. Hi.
This is my new boyfriend, Vinnie. Oh, wow. He is much cuter than your old boyfriend, Jesse. No, he's not.
Come on in, you guys. Can I get you something to drink? Yeah, I would love some wine. Whiskey, make it a double. I'm a grown man. |
cracked | horrible_lessons_video_games_teach_us_about_sex | Oh, dude, what did I say about your hentai habit? Keep it to regular business hours, and what did I say about it? I don't know what hentai is.
Precisely. It's just a video game, dude. The Witcher 3 Wild Hunt, and even though this is super hot and I'm at least mostly hard right now, you think I would just wank myself in the living room? You mean again?
You said you were going to be working all day! I work from home!
Oh! Yeah! No! Whoops! Whoa!
This is a video game? Since when did they start painstakingly animating boob physics? Dude, if you learn nothing from our time together, boob physics has always been the sharp edge of the video game Trailblazers machete. In Lara Croft's case, literally, it was tank top torpedoes with polka 12 year olds ogling eye out. I just didn't think the video games had such graphic sex scenes, you know, with realistic boobs and butts and nipples and stuff.
Oh yeah, the ones with really quality stories do. It's HBO rules. HBO does rule.
Okay, see, now that this witch and I have finished boning, I can get back to hunting monsters and such. Oh, okay, good.
So this isn't just like a sex game, you get to ride around and kill stuff, too? Right, obviously. The whole game isn't just sex, because there's more to life than just sex or watching sex, you jock. And there's bounty hunting, killing people, yeah, those two things. Everyone has all of both of the things of life. Plus, it doesn't shy away from sex now and then, because hey, news flash, adults have sex sometimes, you nerd. Some dude, yeah, but uh, hey buddy, you're comparing this to real life, right? But you're like a monster slaying bounty hunter. I am using real life as a touchstone, because this game, like many of its narrative kindred, is trying to tell a more rich, complex, human-ish story, and one of the key ways it makes this attempt is through romance. Let me guess, you just picked the girl you want to have sex with and you give her a bunch of money or a dress or something?
No. Jesus, what a crass wave.
Whoa, whoa, that's how they do it in Fable and GTA and those other games you told me about that one time, remember? Wow, no. But sure, you remembering the names of a couple games is a very compelling argument. My point is that some games go a little more sophisticated route, like in this one.
You know, you can't just have sex with whoever you want. Oh, okay, because new games have finally started giving the non-playable characters some personality. No, no, not at all. The designers just don't have time to make everyone bonable, so even though they'll have a unique voice actor and one of dozens of different faces and whatnot, the designers have basically whittled your legitimate sexual options down to a couple prostitutes and four women, I think, or prostitutes. Okay, but what if you find one of the other ladies more attractive or what if you're into dudes? Sadly, the option to bone will never come up in their dialogue tree, so your love will go unrequited. In both cases, it's bizarrely puritanical for a game about witchcraft and demons. And if sex doesn't come up in conversation, it can't happen? It's a pretty dangerous line of questioning, man. No, I just mean that there are some video games where you can give the girl gifts until her love bar fills up. Right, right, well, most of the time in these longer narrative games, like Witcher or Mass Effect, you end up choosing a relationship instead through dialogue options.
You know, you got to demonstrate a certain level of compassion and interest in the women that the designers already decided you're going to bone. Then you earn the sex scene. You know, you make all the right dialogue choices, and then the option comes up. Then you come up. Anyway, you don't even get to make love-to-your-love interest right away. First, you got to do some kind of elaborate quest to help her out, then you bone, and then usually she makes you do another quest to help her out afterwards.
So it's not goods they're interested in so much as services. Right? It's like, hey, you know, I'm a person, not a piece of meat. Don't just give me things.
I'm totally using you, man. You would be surprised the number of times you used me comes up as a dialogue option. Ew, that's a little clingy. Hey, now, whoa, you don't have to date him. I wouldn't.
Well, you should. Women in this world go crazy for Geralt. For what?
His cat eyes or the wooden delivery of all his lines? Hey, he was emotionally destroyed during his training to become a witcher. Literally. His emotions were drained out of him.
So wait. This guy's an emotionally dead, scarred-up bounty hunter who rolls from place to place killing monsters. That's what this game decided women would like. Well, yeah.
Look at him. Man, he's athletic, he's rugged, you know? He's a jock. He's a medieval jock. No, he.
Even video games won't give you nerds a shot.
Well, what about? Hey, tell that to. You can't name a single game, can you? I got to look something up.
Hey, guys, thanks so much for watching. And please don't forget to subscribe below for more crack videos. Totally.
And scroll down to the comments and let us know if you think Geralt should end up with Triss or Yennefer, right? It's like the love of the ages. Is it not Yennefer? It's really Yennefer? It's really Yennefer with a Y, but everything else is roughly the same. Roughly the same. |
TheOnion | Small_Town_Throws_Pride_Parade_For_Only_Gay_Resident | Well, today was an historic occasion in Pennington. That's right, Diane. The entire town turned out to honor Paul Webster, the area's one gay man, with Pennington's first ever Gay Pride Parade. Paul, a 33-year-old hardware store owner, was too shy to ask for a parade, but that didn't stop almost 2,000 residents from showing their support for his homosexuality. Mayor Sue Hallinan organized the parade and even shipped in some of her own money to pay for decorations. Well, I was channel surfing one day, and I came across a program about the gay pride. Next time I went to the hardware store, I said, Paul, we're going to throw you a parade.
And he just said, oh, please don't do that. I don't want that. I beg you. He just didn't want us to go to the trouble. That Paul. Apparently, Paul was so modest that he practically had to be dragged out of his house and into the pink limo that took him to the parade, where the whole town was ready to support him.
You're a beautiful, gay, sexy bitch. You just go for it, girl. You work it out. You're fierce. You're the bomb. You're the gayest, most beautiful thing I've ever, ever seen.
He doesn't want to ride on the penis float. He gets motion sickness, so we're going to have him hold the reins instead. After the parade, the town whisked Paul to an information fair held at the local VFW Hall, where Paul was given pamphlets and DVDs about prejudice, AIDS, meth abuse, and other issues of importance to Paul. I think Paul felt real supported when the whole town stood next to him while nurse Jill was giving him that AIDS test. And Penningtonians have already decided on a fairy tale theme for next year's parade. Oh, that'll be great. And if Paul has a boyfriend, they can both be dressed up as kings. Terrific idea. |
cracked | why_action_movie_endings_would_be_awkward_in_real_life | Hey, are you forgetting something? Thank you my friend. You honor my ancestors. You know, thanks anyway. I'm getting too old for this s***.
Huh? What? Did you say something?
No, I didn't. I'm now late. Not trying to ruin the moment, but I'm now late for something. No, I'm sorry. I just, I'm getting too old for this, I said.
Just talking. Oh, okay. Uh, I thought you said something to me. Hey, knucklehead. Yeah, what? What is it? Be careful out there. I already said that to you. I know. I liked it. All right. Fine.
Bye. Wait. Hank. Zero effect. That was a movie you were trying to think of. I looked it up on my phone, but I forgot to tell you. Thanks. Wait. Still here. Haven't even turned around.
Was that Bill Pullman? Or Bill Paxton?
Oh, Hitoshi. One more thing. My name is Ed. Not Toshi. I said that like 80 times. Smell you later, asshole. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_11_5_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic. So talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
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You're listening to the Batuda Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock and you're listening to the Weekly Batuda News Bulletin. Brought to you by Australia's favourite chocky bicky, Tim Tam. Grab some Tim Tams for the chance to snag a golden Tim Tam packet and win one of three wishes worth $100,000. Here are the top stories from the Batuda Advocate, Australia's oldest and most respected newspaper.
First up this week and in our home state of Queensland, an ecstatic Anastasia Palaszczuk has revealed that continued coral bleaching on the Great Barrier Reef is nearly at a point where coal ships would be able to crush their way through to the central Queensland coast with enough momentum. Speaking to the media this week, the Queensland Premier said the current bleaching episode is great news for the proposed Adani Megamind in the Galilee Basin. Although the mine has drawn a huge amount of criticism from all over, Palaszczuk says she's much more concerned about the current political climate than she is about the climate climate. Palaszczuk said If we don't blindly promise 1400 jobs for the next 60 years in some fuckhole town that no one is ever going to live in anyway, Pauline will win every seat in Queensland. I'm sorry, but when put up against my job, salary and political legacy, the reef isn't that important.
Elsewhere around the nation and there is some shocking news for residents of the harbour city of Sydney. From next year, meandering through the streets of downtown Sydney at your own leisurely pace could land you in the grave, with a new controversial program announced that will see slow walkers in the CBD executed. In a trial program supervised by the New South Wales Productivity Commission, Premier Gladys Berejiklian announced this week that people who annoy others by walking slowly down the footpath run the risk of having their heads turned inside out by a sniper's bullet. The lifeless corpses will be left in the street to warn others of the fate that befalls them should they become spatially unaware of others. Family members are encouraged to retrieve the body once the smell becomes too pungent for the surrounding businesses to put up with. Nicole Kostetski from the flight path district commented on our story saying she hopes they extend the trial to people that sit 20 kilometers under the speed limit in a single lane but speed up to 10 kilometers over the speed limit when an overtaking lane finally pops up.
Still down in Sydney now and a bearded Newtown local has developed diabetes after a tangerine infused hibiscus pale ale bender this week. Figgy DeMarco-Olson is believed to have drunk upwards of four long necks of the pale ale called the hungry leper whilst watching a Nick Cave cover band perform at the pokey free Petersham Bowls Club. Speaking from atop his milk crate modeled bed frame and mattress this morning after the diagnosis, Figgy says he's upset that he might have to start drinking mass-produced beer now instead of some fruity sludge brewed out of a 40 gallon drum in someone's terrace house. It's either that or a vodka lime soda like some sort of bra boy.
Internationally this week and the reporters found that Kanye West should probably shut the fuck up. This comes after a week and a half of him carrying on like an idiot on Twitter and saying pointlessly controversial things in an attempt to make himself look like an edgy contrarian to other political pop culture icons. Following on from his pro-Trump anti-guns political contradictions this week, the report was announced after Kanye took it a step further and questioned the self-motivation of American slaves. West told a tabloid that when you hear about slavery for 400 years, for 400 years that sounds like a choice.
Back home now and a thrifty local student revealed to the advocate this week that $30 can actually stretch quite far at Coles or Woolies if you know how to use the self-service checkout properly. William McQuaid explained that the trick is just manipulating the self-service checkout. He said, yeah it's pretty fucking easy mate.
Avocados? I just weigh them as unwashed potatoes. Steak? Jam that shit into a mushroom bag and put it through as brown onions.
When we asked the 21 year old about whether he saw it as petty theft, he told us that he has some moral justification. McQuaid said, mate I grew up out bush.
Coles fucking rip off farmers every day of the year and I'm just getting some back. It's not like I'm thieving from Antonio's little fruit store or anything. These big supermarket chains are pricks. Plus the cunts pay fuck all tax as well. This is the William tax. Mike Mazedal from the French Quarter commented on our story, saying that he always confuses roasted almonds for those really really small unwashed potatoes.
And a former politician from WA named Troy Buswell, who fell from grace rather unceremoniously, also left a comment. In other news around Betuda, and an inner city millennial content writer who had the exact same accent as Malcolm Turnbull before he started integrating African American vernacular into his day to day vocabulary, has penned a 450 word article discussing how he always felt uneasy about the recently controversial Simpsons character Apu. The young, privately educated white male explained that he always had a problem with the character Apu during the 15 years he spent laughing at him growing up. This follows a recent documentary, The Problem with Apu, which focuses on the character Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, an Indian immigrant in the wildly popular animated sitcom The Simpsons, who for a period was the only figure of South Asian heritage to appear regularly on mainstream US television. The film explores encounters with negative stereotypes, racial microaggressions and slurs against people of Indian and South Asian heritage disseminated through the character. Taking offence, the 27 year old full time stay at home son said to our reporters, As a proud ally of the plight of South Asians in America, I just want to say that the Simpsons should be banned from television.
Let's just get over it. There's so much funnier stuff on television, like have you ever seen Rick or Morty or something?
And in the sporting world, we sat down with a 37 year old NRL footballer tossing up whether to retire from the game, or take up a three year contract with the Gold Coast Titans. After a storied career as a 300 game NRL journeyman, Kenneth Conkley is even a bit too concussion riddled for the Super League or French rugby. But a three year contract with the Gold Coast Titans is still very much on the table. Kenneth currently has several other offers to work as either a pokie rep for aristocrat, a real estate agent for Ray White, a gig at the Titans, or if things really get desperate, Channel 7. And even better, after 19 years in the NRL, apart from playing with Wigan in 2009, Kenneth was lucky enough to have played a full half of Origin football in his late 20s, meaning that he also can speak at corporate lunches for the remainder of his career.
We'll keep you updated on the decision Kenneth makes. Anyway, that's it for the news rep this week. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. And make sure you grab a packet of Tim Tams to be in the running to find the Golden Tim Tam Pack and win three wishes worth $100,000. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. Gold Coast Titans. After a storied career as a 300-game NRL journeyman, Kenneth Conkley is even a bit too concussion-riddled for the Super League or French rugby, but a three-year contract with the Gold Coast Titans is still very much on the table. Kenneth currently has several other offers to work as either a pokie rep for aristocrat, a real estate agent for Ray White, a gig at the Titans, or if things really get desperate, Channel 7. And even better, after 19 years in the NRL, apart from playing with Wigan in 2009, Kenneth was lucky enough to have played a full half of Origin Football in his late 20s, meaning that he also can speak at corporate lunches for the remainder of his career. We'll keep you updated on the decision Kenneth makes. Anyway, that's it for the news rep this week. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. And make sure you grab a packet of Tim Tams to be in the running to find the Golden Tim Tam Pack and win three wishes worth $100,000. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. |
dropout | hardly_working_new_jeff | Okay, what the hell is going on? When did Jeff become so cool? That's not Jeff Rubin. That's Geof Rubin. Jeff invented a machine that transformed him into a cooler version of himself.
Wait a minute, isn't that the exact same thing Urkel did? No, no, Jeff's not black. Of course I'd love to go out with you, Jeff.
It's just... I can't fall for you, okay? This isn't right. We're living a lie. This isn't the real...
Jeff. You're right. I know what I have to do. Geof, if you go into that machine, you're not going to be cool anymore. David, there's nothing more uncool than pretending to be someone you're not. I love you, Geof. Peace.
What happened? Is he back to being Jeff? Did he die?
Even worse. He's become a freak of nature. Sucks somewhere between nerd and cool guy. Hey guys, I'm Jeff Rubin. I play flag football on weekends. Oh my god, he's... he's... Completely average. So, any of you guys want to play Halo, I hope you brought your own controllers, because I've only got the one. Oh my god. What a totally average thing to say.
Jeff! Geof! Are you in there? Say something cool or nerdy. Hey man, back off.
I know Taekwondo. I'm a yellow belt.
Make him stop! Calm down, Sarah. He can't be completely average.
Jeff, what kind of car do you drive? It's a Porsche P.T. Cruiser. It's a Camry.
Oh, he's a monster! Jeff, where'd you get this shirt? It's cool. I don't know, like the coolest shirt store in the world? Aero Postal? What the hell are you doing?
He's a freak now, Pat. No, no, no. This has got me another way. No, he's too average. He'll never fit in.
Come on, man. You can't kill me. I still haven't finished last night's CSI Miami. Okay, kill him. Do you guys... Yes, Jeff!
Do you guys think I'll get into heaven? I believe in God, but I don't go to church very much. Mostly the holidays, like, you know, Christmas, Easter. Too average. Come on. |
cracked | hacking_the_digg_algorithm_agents_of_cracked_episode_6 | Hi, I'm Abe Epperson, I directed Agents of Cracked. Welcome to the Craterion Collection of Agents of Cracked.
Stay after, and we'll be talking about what we did while we made the thing. A little anecdotes and stories. Spoiler alert, I killed a hobo. New stuff and, you know, hang out in the corner.
Michael, you got a second? Hold on, one hour. Oh, I'm sorry, were you ready for me?
Yeah. Really? Yeah.
Well, bullets. Are you sure it's about bullets, or are you sure you're not? Dammit. Killed my article.
Well, the Chief wants us to work on this. Yes, the Chief.
I heard that guy drinks tiger blood milkshakes for breakfast. Milkshakes, damn, for breakfast.
Right, well, he wants us to work on this program. I don't know. Hey, Mike, I heard someone left a big bowl of candy in the conference room. Get away from it, you vultures, it's mine. Oh, I see.
The candy's on the inside. No, no, no, no, no, no, there's no candy in there.
I just, I tricked you. So this is what it feels like.
Now, it's a computer program that perfectly imitates the Digg algorithm. All you have to do is pitch it a bunch of article titles and it tells you what'll get the most Diggs. Now, the Chief wants 10 surefire article ideas by the end of the day, and I am not unlocking that door until we get them. Questions? Dig? You wrote a sketch of a Digg as a character. How are you not getting this? Look, Dan, I know you're from the East Coast where everyone rides around on algorithms and gets married in a brain silo, but out here, if we wanna dig something, we grab a shovel and we hire some immigrants. Now, give me that shovel. Now, I'm talking about Digg with two Gs. Yeah, so am I. First one's under the second D. Second, under.
Digg.com is an organizational website. Anyone can submit an article to Digg and anyone else can vote on it if they like it or don't like it. Now, if enough people like it, it gets to the front page of Digg for the whole internet to see. We want our articles on Digg so they get maximum exposure.
The more exposure, the more traffic. The more traffic. The more candy on Digg.
There's no candy on it. Because it's in the computer. It's not in the computer, I promise you that. But there is a big pile of candy right outside, and I will help you get to it if you help me with this assignment.
Okay? How do I know I can trust you? You don't. You probably can.
What's the kind of candy? Any kind?
I don't know, I'm enjoying it. All right, checks out. You got yourself a deal, partner. Great, let's see what this thing can do.
Doug. Awaiting input. Witch! Witch. Eight Diggs.
Technology is not a witch. The Brita filter is not a witch. My GPS is not a witch.
This is a computer program. You just say Doug the title of the article and it tells you how many Diggs it's gonna get.
Yeah, just like a witch. Nothing like a witch, okay.
Doug, six things you didn't know could give you an STD. Analyzing, 445 Diggs. Doug, do you renounce Satan in all his ways? Analyzing, 12 Diggs. Doug, Christian Bale shops for a Zune, assume middling photo shops, one news he's referenced and release it on a Monday. Analyzing with variables, 680 Diggs. What's not bad? 680. I've heard way bigger numbers than that. Name one. My turn. I'm gonna make your 680 look like a totally unrelated, way less impressive number. You have so many choices. Douglas, Alan Rickman buys a smoothie in the mall. Assume a strange hat and some exciting facial hair. Analyzing with variables, 600 Diggs.
It's less, damn it! This is stupid. You're a stupid robot. It's not a robot and it's not stupid.
You're just not very good at it. Failure. A damn-sized failure.
My professors at Harvard were right. I'm just not cut out for internet comedy. Guess it's time to break out the old gavel again. It's just, there's a lot to digest in that.
The honorable Judge Failure. Pathetic. Consider this my two weeks notice. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're not a failure and you're not pathetic.
You just, you just need some practice. It's a, think of it like one of your video games. You try to get the high score and you keep trying until you do.
Then put some coffee on, partner. It's gonna be a long night. It's day. And the only thing I've ever seen you drink is chocolate milk and vodka, so. Yeah, I call it coffee, because it makes me coffee. And you want it on? It's better warm. Okay, fine, I'll do that. But just so, you know, coffee's already a thing.
You didn't invent that. I think we'll let history decide. History decided. It's not yours. And I think we'll let herstory decide. All right, Doug.
Let's talk about that candy of yours. Analyzing. Wow, chocolate milk and vodka, huh?
Uh, yes, but. I like it. Adult yet juvenile, cute. Well, I like combining my man parts with those of a child. Huh? I like combining my man parts with those of a child. Do you like grabbing bananas?
Okay, why would I say it twice? Hey, Michael, I took one of your next- Oh, that's cool. Oh, Michael, no! Do not smash that laptop. What are you talking about, man?
This is my victory pose. Me and Doug are cool now. Analysis complete.
24,690 pigs. New high score.
Wow, what did you come up with? I ended up Photoshopping boobs onto Barack Obama and Ron Paul arguing about how to hack the XKCD website to make marijuana legal. Oh, wow, I really want to read that now. But outstanding job, Michael. And for a second there, I thought you were gonna smash the laptop. Why would I do that, funny face?
You know, to get the candy inside? I mean, there is candy inside?
That witch played me. It's not a witch. No, I meant the other witch with the vest and the glasses. I'm not a witch either. There are no witches. Nothing is a witch.
All right, I believe you, buddy. You wouldn't lie, not to me. We're partners, and partners have a code. Sure. If you did lie to me, I don't think I could take it. I think I just might come into the office and shoot everyone.
Okay, that is... Plus, I figured I don't need the laptop candy because of the big pile outside. That is what you promised me, right, partner? Yeah. Oh, baby, don't go out there. Just...
No! Give me candy! See? I'm shooting you in the face!
So this is our Digg episode. Holds up. I gotta say, I'm totally blanking. Yeah. Digg is something. Watching the episode, I don't know what we're talking about. Why did we make that? I have no idea. What is Digg? It's gotta be an in-joke to something. If you know what Digg is, please put it in the comments, because now I'm like...
Yeah. Anyway... I tried Lycosing it, and I couldn't find anything. Post this on Reddit. Yeah. Pinterest it. Yeah. And we'll be here making out. |
dropout | a_complaint_to_mario_bros_plumbing | Dear Sir or Madam, I wish to file a complaint against two of your plumbers who display gross professional negligence while in my home this afternoon. While I was far too upset to remember their names, I do recall a shorter one in blue overhauls shouting the phrase, It's a me! in a high-pitched Italian accent. It's a me! Many, many times. I politely explained our water may need a repair and left them alone. When I returned, I was appalled to find the short one taking psychotropic mushrooms and the other actually trying to squeeze himself down the pipes to, as he put it, get to the mushroom kingdom, a place he appeared to already be in. I was in the kitchen attempting to call her supervisor when I heard a loud crash upstairs.
Hey! What are you doing?
Your two quote unquote plumbers had barged into my traumatized son's bedroom where one of them broke open my kid's piggy bank, screaming that he was, quote, close to getting an extra life. Meanwhile, the short one was eating, yes, eating my wife's prize-winning seasonal orchids. When I pleaded with him to stop, he threatened me with some drug-fueled fantasy about spitting fire. After throwing Chris's tortoise at my head, the tall one said he wasn't, like, freaking out, man. I assumed it was under the delusion he could demolish bricks with his fist when he tried punching through my ceiling. I can only hope these two ruffians are reprimanded with, at the very least, a stern warning. Thank you. |
cracked | _cradle_2_tha_gravy | Wherefore, Mr. Anderson's reputation was irreparably damaged due to the defendant's claim that he, quote, "...totally f***s goats because he believes goat f***ing gives him superpowers, specifically powers that allow him to f*** more goats." The defendant, Michael Swain, furthermore wrote that the plaintiff, Walter Anderson, quote, "...will have his own wing of the goat f***ing Hall of Fame and will give his acceptance speech by f***ing a goat, like the f***ing will make a sound that will mimic human language somehow."
End quote. You know, I think I like story time even better than snack time. I think you just destroyed crack.com.
It's a five million dollar libel suit. Can you even comprehend that kind of money, Michael? If we sold Dan into sex slavery in Thailand, it would take him exactly... 22 years and three months to earn the money back. Okay, did we actually crunch the numbers on this? Was this a real- Business is war, and men of war know one thing. You look out for the retard. And if you don't, then he gets the company sued. Well, then you earn the money back by playing the tortilla in a Thai taco. Okay, admittedly, this looks bad and recently much, much worse for Daniel.
But it's satire, right? I mean, jokes are a protected speech. Oh, I wasn't joking. Was that not clear in the article? Quote, I, Michael Swaim, want to finish this column by declaring that this is in no way a joke. Walter Anderson's goat f***ing is an actual fact that I am stating legally on crack.com in hopes that Walter Anderson will suffer both financial loss and emotional distress. Pretty clear. Couldn't be clear.
Walter Anderson is 78 years old. He volunteers 100 days out of the year at a homeless shelter.
What did he ever do to you, Michael? Ants! Thousands of- He always makes fun of my stupid dances?
The internet? I can never find anything.
It's like I'm not gonna- You know, he'll just keep going with us if we don't stop him. You gotta jump in. Look, Michael, no one is blaming you. Oh, good. Probably a pretty rough time for you, huh? Not really. No one's blaming me. That's my brave little guy.
Oh, here. All right, here's what's gonna happen. Anderson's lawyers are coming to talk settlement. Oh, good.
I'm gonna give those guys a piece of my mind. And by which I mean a bag of my poop. Which is exactly why you won't be anywhere near the meeting. Dan will apologize on your behalf.
Oh, come on! And basically get on his knees and beg them to drop the suit. And if that doesn't work, well, then we close the blinds and offer to let them use Dan as the biscuits for their creamy lawyer gravy. So what, they ladle it onto me? How is that even a rike?
All right. The lawyers will be here in exactly- One hour ago. Oh, shit. We really kept them waiting, huh? They're gonna be nice and pissed off. Okay. Can we own this place? I'm gonna make that one my biscuit. For your lawyer gravy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was gonna heal the people.
I never tell you that. You calm down, okay? Worst case scenario, they settle out of court and the company writes a check. Then, you gotta blow a few thousand dudes. It's math, Dan. There's no fighting it.
Hey, no, no, no. Where do you think you're going? No, you heard the Sarge. You are out of here. Go somewhere.
I don't care. Go to the sea world and slap box dolphins again. I will do that. Do it then. Do whatever. I don't care.
As long as you're out of here for two hours. We must understand, our entire editorial process is basically a toxic containment system meant to prevent Michael's real personality from ever leaking out into the world. Now, normally- Let me stop you right there.
Walter Anderson is a hero in this city. He killed six Nazis in 1979.
Now, the suit is for five million, but we're not going to settle for less than seven. We really want to take this one to court. I think I have a counter offer. Have you gentlemen ever heard of a show called Oz? Well, well, well. It isn't the goat f***ing lawyers of the goat f***ing goat f***er. Make it 10 million. I have something to say first.
Michael, no. New York Times v. Sullivan, 1964. If a public figure seeks damages for libel, the burden is on them to prove that the libelous statements made were made with the knowledge that those statements were false, or with reckless disregard for the statement's veracity. Uphold and Associated Press v. Walker, 1967.
Our client is not a public figure. Your client, one Los Angeles man of the year, four years running, and more pertinent to this case, is the owner, star, and sole proprietor of GoatWorker.com. Visited daily by over 150,000 subscribers, including myself. Thus, your client meets both the Sullivan standard for a public figure acting in his capacity as a public figure, in this case, one who f*** goats, and falls under the umbrella of the 1753 John Peter Zenger standard.
Truth is an absolute defense against libel. To quote the great Andrew Hamilton, nature and the laws of our country have granted us a right to both expose and oppose arbitrary power by the speaking and writing of truth.
He used to be a judge. So, if that's all we have today on the agenda, thank you very much. Watch out! |
dropout | katie_gets_dirty_kingpin_katie_full_episode | Previously on Kingpin Katie. Hello everyone. My name is Katie Marovitch and I have a cocaine problem. Obviously can we get back to the pitch meeting? I'm here to do a return. What are you crazy?
You can't return drugs. What am I gonna do with five thousand dollars worth of coke? Well we'll take some. You could probably sell the rest. I'm making some.
Screaming Eddie? We got a problem. Another dealer on our turf. I do want to relax. You are in big trouble. Just say what I told you to say and nothing else.
Turns out this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. She didn't even know what she was doing.
I did sell like five thousand dollars worth of cocaine. Do you think you're a better drug dealer than I am? What are you doing? Say no more Katie. You're hired. I'm not a drug dealer. But you just told me what a great drug dealer you are. No. I just meant that hypothetically speaking if I wanted to sell drugs I'd be good at it.
Why did you kill Samson? Well like I said I find lying to be very rude.
Joey. Ow. Sell that. And that. I can't even lift this. Katie Katie Katie. Could you please do me three favors. One.
Don't try anything funny. Okay I'm a comedy writer though. So it's gonna be hard. Are you being funny right now?
Like subtly. Don't ever interrupt me. Okay. It's very rude. Okay second favor. Don't skip down. And the third favor. Pretty please.
Don't go to the police. I'm not gonna do this. I'd hate to have to kill you.
Sell the drugs Katie. Yeah. Oh and Katie. Yeah.
Could you be a dear and take care of that? I want you to take his arms and his legs and his torso and his head and bury them. They should all be attached. Was that unclear? Don't chop him up. Can someone help me here? Jesus Christ.
Well I brought you to your favorite place where we always used to hang out. All those times you'd sell me coke. I'm gonna miss it. You know it's just I'm very thankful that I was able to call you friend.
Even if you really hated that and didn't want me to do that. That's all I did. Okay that is too hard.
Holy. Oh yeah it looks like we got a fresh cold cut down at Henry Hill's donuts.
I need backup ASAP. What are you talking about? I found a dead body okay. Get down here now. Okay. Evidence. Looking for evidence. Here we go. Oh okay.
Another day another death. A city of angels they call it. Ain't nothing but devils everywhere I look.
Detective is there anything you'd like me to do? What's there to do?
This town lost hope long ago and the lost and found box is empty. You're gonna have to come back again tomorrow to find your glasses. Tomorrow's Saturday and we won't be open.
Hey what are you doing here? This is my scene man. I didn't know meter maids were in charge of homicides now. Yeah well I found the body so I want it. Not gonna happen. You want to work homicide you got to put in the time the blood the sweat countless hours delving into the darkest depths of humanity or a family in the force. You didn't touch anything did you? No I was just getting my bear claws like I do every morning thinking about getting maybe glazed and sprinkled. All right why don't you get out of here. Yeah yeah I'm gonna get out of here can't wait to eat this it's gonna be really good.
Oh it's drugs. It's drugs. I knew it's drugs.
Wrong number. Ah damn it. No it's Katie Maravich. I buy from you all the time.
I don't know anything about that but I played Pokemon at eight. Pokemon is cocaine. Cocaine is Pokemon.
Yes. Oh I got it. LOL smiley face smiley face smiley face. LOL look at this spider. Oh that is a nice spider. Oh my god computer enhance computer enhance college humor. Cheryl's got her first lead yes. Oh yeah. Oh my god.
It's true I did it I'm guilty. Katie Maravich at work on time writing a sketch you really have changed. Yeah no it's true. Like I said I'm guilty.
Good for you. Thanks.
Trapp oh my god what are you doing here? I work here. Hey Trapp you busy? Yes I'm very busy all the time.
Oh baby that is so funny. Why is that funny?
I was just hoping that I could talk to Trapp about something. Privately. And she's still here. Please continue.
Okay it's just I feel like everything is spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do. Okay I know things have been really stressful around here lately okay. But what do we do when things are like that right?
We rise to the challenge. We have to work harder than we've ever worked before. You gotta get motivated.
You gotta just hang in there. You have to keep calm carry on. Dance like no one's watching. And never ever panic.
You're right. Thank you I know. I am out of here. What?
No Katie you're not supposed to get out of here. You're supposed to stay here and work harder. Katie Katie don't leave. Katie.
That was such great advice Trapp. I mean you really the way that you. Get out of my office. Okay yeah sure yeah. You're busted. There she is. Hey you're the chick my friend told me about. Please tell me you have some more of those little baggies. That's right I thought I'd only be here once. But here I am rising to the occasion. Because when life gives you lemons you make 100 adorably decorated little bags of cocaine. Gonna stop me now. Don't you move. Put your hands up. Yeah.
It's not what it looks like. I can explain. Oh you don't need to explain anything Katie Maravich.
I'm so sorry. I forgot.
Okay probably got her ID and stuff. Wait you know my name? Oh I know everything. It's all here on Samson's phone. Oh no oh no oh my god he did get my friend request. I know you've been doing some serious drug deal. Oh god.
God I'm gonna die in jail. I'm not prepared for this life and I'm lupus. I can't go to jail.
My comedy career. And I want in. No no no. What? I want to help you push the powder. I'll protect you in exchange for a little piece of the action. Why?
I'm a meter maid Katie. Have you ever heard of like a bad corrupt dirty meter maid?
No you haven't because it's not a thing.
Well now is my big chance. Let me in. There's nothing to be left in on. Come on. I could help you. I know these streets like the wipe of my.
Listen what's your name? Cheryl. Cheryl thank you so much for the offer but I'm not looking for a partner.
I actually shouldn't be talking to cops. It's one of the three favors. Hey I'm here we got drug dealing in the bathroom. No don't worry it's under control. I got this. I'm from LAPD. That's right the Los Angeles police department and I'm gonna take this little coke freak downtown.
You stinking pile of trash. Just wanting to snort up all that. All right people nothing to see here. Just got ourselves a little crack. Then I'm gonna take the prison and she's gonna rot in her cell. Oh man that felt awesome.
I guess you do need me huh partner? Where's my car? Oh I had it towed so you couldn't get away. It's okay though we can take my ride. Can you just uncuff me and let me go home? No can do. Here you got two options. I can either bring you a criminal to the station and book you or I can bring my new partner to my favorite diner. What do you say partner?
Yeah let's do that. Yes yes awesome. Are you ready? Here we go. Does it go any faster? Oh hell yeah it does.
We should give each other code names. Um I'm gonna call you stink bug. Do me do me.
I just I really don't know. Oh I'm so sorry. Oh you okay?
Yeah I think we should focus on driving. No I think we should focus on driving and just not to not to code names right now. Okay yeah I mean you could do like high ground. No no let's just drive.
What? Thanks for watching that preview of Kingpin Katie. If you liked it guess the frick what? There's full episodes you can watch right now on Dropout. They're action-packed and super funny and I'm saying that and I typically don't like anything I meant. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today and sorry about cursing before with the whole frick thing that was inappropriate.
I shouldn't have done that. I just dreamed to have power like real power that I will use to benefit only myself and those who bribe me. I don't want to hear that from a police officer. |
cracked | insane_things_amusement_parks_want_to_tell_you_but_can_t | Hurry, hurry, hurry, come one, come all to the most fucked up place in the world! You wanna see a dead body? Do you wanna get your teeth knocked out by a guy in a Bud Light tank top? Do you want to have so much diarrhea you briefly achieve life?
And welcome to every amusement park in America! Look, if you work long enough at an amusement park, you will eventually see a dead body. Just how likely are you to die at a theme park?
I don't know.
In fact, nobody does, because there isn't a single federal agency responsible for investigating or counting fatalities at amusement parks. Carvals and fares that move are overseen by the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission, but fixed location parks are regulated by local and state agencies who oftentimes can be really lenient with the parks because they don't want to mess with places that pump a lot of money into the local economy. The best sources on amusement park fatalities are informal surveys, which tend to put the number at around 1,200 to 1,500 a year, but those numbers still come from the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions, meaning the parks themselves, which is a little like asking the NRA how many gun owners accidentally shoot their penises off every year.
You know, they're gonna try to seriously lobe all that number.
I once worked a ride that launches riders upwards so fast someone had a heart attack and died right there in front of me. Those amusement park warnings about heart attacks are no joke, but what's even more tragic is many heart attack victims die because they simply didn't know they had an underlying heart condition. So in a way, amusement parks are one of America's leading and most lethal medical testing centers. Another time, two teenage girls were riding a wooden coaster with steep hills and such, and halfway through, they tried to switch seats and, well, they failed, and one of them fell to her death.
One night, we got a call over the radio about a person injured on a ride where people sit suspended with their feet hanging free. At one point, the ride comes out of a loop close to the ground, and a woman's leg and part of the seat assembly struck an employee who had jumped over the fence and was in this prohibited area.
There was no doubt he was dead, and nothing could be done except to throw a tarp over him and wait for the coroner.
Upon inspection, his pockets were filled with change. We figured he was collecting the money that falls out of people's pockets.
The same ride also killed a teenager a year later when he jumped the fence to get back the hat he'd lost. Another case occurred at our water park when a man cut through the line, fought through guests in the lifeguards, and jumped down one of our tallest slides, which is almost a complete vertical drop. He tumbled over, landed on the fence below, and died on impact.
But maybe you won't die. Maybe you'll just be horrifyingly maimed in some way.
Boy, amusement parks sure are fun.
If only people would stop beating the shit out of each other. Wait, what? I once saw a giant fight break out because the guests had saved a spot for someone else that ended with a broken jaw and nose for the person who cut and several complimentary rides in the back of a police cruiser. Another time, a drunk guy cut in front of a father and daughter and the dad just knocked them out cold. But my personal experiences are just the tip of the very big rage bird.
News sites have been reporting for years now that with the COVID-19 pandemic stressing everybody out, fights at amusement parks have become a nationwide problem. Brawls between customers and amusement park staff have been reported at Disneyland, Universal Studios, Busch Gardens, other smaller regional places. In Waldemir, an amusement park in Erie, Pennsylvania, a brawl got seven people arrested and sent one to the hospital. In the Kennywood Park, also located in Pennsylvania, a fight ended with 150 people being ejected from the grounds. Similar mass brawls that look like the Battle of the Bastards also happened at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom with over 100 people throwing hands. In mid-2022, the Knott's Berry Farm Park in California had to close down early after a day of fights and even reports of gunfire.
But hey, at least the danger of being shot or beaten to death is nothing compared to how. Amusement parks feed hundreds of millions of people a year.
And obviously, I don't have to tell you that this food is not healthy. We didn't even make this shit up for the video.
Deep fried butter on a stick is a real food that you can get at real amusement parks, country fairs, and other places that make your real cardiologist really cry. The amusement park kitchens I saw were filled with mouse feces. The regular practice in our kitchens was when you find rodent droppings, only throw away the food the droppings are actually on. Putting the same bag as the shit on food that wasn't technically touched by said shit was saved, put on a plate or stick, and eventually plopped right in your mouth. Just to make it clear for legal reasons, this did not happen at Disneyland, even if the rodent droppings would be a perfect thematic fit for them.
That said, Disney doesn't exactly have a perfect record with food safety. In 2002, for example, Walt Disney World accidentally gave 141 guests salmonella poisoning. The salmonella was eventually traced to a contaminated batch of prepackaged diced tomatoes because like I always say, deep fried butter on a stick is healthier than vegetables. Visitors to amusement parks often mistake food poisoning for motion sickness caused by the rides and they don't treat it fast enough, which in rare cases can lead to serious health complications.
But not so rare that there aren't people trying to cash in on it. There are actual law practices that specialize in suing amusement parks for food poisoning. So hey, it turns out that there's a chance your bank-breaking family trip to some overpriced theme park may just end up paying for itself, provided you hit enough restaurants there and get, uh, lucky.
Just be sure to bring a few changes of underwear with you and also a helmet for when your explosive diarrhea propels you right into the toilet ceiling. We decided not to animate that part. You understand.
The front guy cut in front of a father and daughter and the dad just knocked him out cold. My personal experiences are just the tip of the very big rageberg.
News sites have been reporting for years now that with the COVID-19 pandemic stressing everybody out, fights at amusement parks have become a nationwide problem. Brawls between customers and amusement park staff have been reported at Disneyland, Universal Studios, Busch Gardens, other smaller regional places. In Waldemir, an amusement park in Erie, Pennsylvania, a brawl got seven people arrested and sent one to the hospital. In the Kinneywood Park, also located in Pennsylvania, a fight ended with 150 people being ejected from the grounds. Similar mass brawls that look like the Battle of the Bastards also happened at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom with over 100 people throwing hands. In mid-2022, the Knott's Berry Farm Park in California had to close down early after a day of fights and even reports of gunfire.
But hey, at least the danger of being shot or beaten to death is nothing compared to how. Amusement parks feed hundreds of millions of people a year, and obviously, I don't have to tell you that this food is not healthy. We didn't even make this shit up for the video.
Deep fried butter on a stick is a real food that you can get at real amusement parks, country fairs, and other places that make your real cardiologist really cry. The amusement park kitchens I saw were filled with mouse feces. The regular practice in our kitchens was when you find rodent droppings, only throw away the food the droppings are actually on. Food in the same bag as the shit-on food that wasn't technically touched by said shit was saved, put on a plater stick, and eventually plopped right in your mouth. Just to make it clear for legal reasons, this did not happen at Disneyland, even if the rodent droppings would be a perfect thematic fit for them.
That said, Disney doesn't exactly have a perfect record with food safety. In 2002, for example, Walt Disney World accidentally gave 141 guests salmonella poisoning. The salmonella was eventually traced to a contaminated batch of pre-packaged diced tomatoes because like I always say, deep fried butter on a stick is healthier than vegetables. Visitors to amusement parks often mistake food poisoning for motion sickness caused by the rides, and they don't treat it fast enough, which in rare cases can lead to serious health complications.
But not so rare that there aren't people trying to cash in on it. There are actual law practices that specialize in suing amusement parks for food poisoning. So hey, it turns out that there's a chance your bank-breaking family trip to some overpriced theme park may just end up paying for itself, provided you hit enough restaurants there and get, uh, lucky.
Just be sure to bring a few changes of underwear with you, and also a helmet for when your explosive diarrhea propels you right into the toilet ceiling. We decided not to animate that part. You understand. |
cracked | 1_16_08_news_on_cracked_low_budget_hotel_edition_romney | Bum bum bum, bum badum bum news, bum bum bum bum politics, bum bum, badum bum bum, philately, chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh chh. It's Wednesday January 16th 2008 and this is the news on Grant. I'm Alex Friedman and I melt in your mouth, not in your hands. You may have noticed we're in a different location from usual today. Specifically, I'm broadcasting straight to you from hell. Hell. By which I mean, of course, a holiday inn here in Santa Monica, California. Enough of me. Let's get to the news. With me. Mitt the Shit Romney won his first major primary yesterday in his home state of Michigan.
Holy underwear, Batman! Note, that joke is slightly funnier if you're aware of the fact that Mormons wear something called holy underwear, which isn't holy in the sense of tattered and ripped and torn to shreds, but rather holy in the sense that, I don't know, somebody blessed it or something. It's Mormon, so it's crazy. Anyway, like I said, it's only slightly funnier if you know all that.
Let's move on. Actor Brad Renfro has died just 11 years after his career.
Yesterday, Apple and Steve Jobs unveiled the world's thinnest computer. It's called the Olsen. Matthew McConaughey is going to be a father. Reached for comment. McConaughey told the News On Cracked, Woah. Believe it or not, that's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back Friday when we'll still be doing a low-budget hotel room show, but we'll also be giving out hugs, not drugs. |
dropout | oh_no_did_we_hurt_brennan_s_feelings | Wow, nice shirt, Brennan! Oh, Magnum PI, more like Magnum, this guy! Hey, you're not wrong, this is definitely my laundry day shirt. I actually was taken to the dry cleaner.
Was that too mean? Oh my God, Brennan, we are so sorry. No, no, you guys are fine. That wasn't mean at all. No need to apologize. No, we need to apologize because we didn't mean to make you sad.
It's not fun for anyone if you are sitting there crying. Okay, I'm not crying. We just, we know how fragile you are. Okay, so the joke wasn't mean, but this weird aftermath where you're now really coddling me and taking care of my feelings is actually kind of mean. It's like implying I'm a, I don't know, wuss. If it's going to make you cry, then we shouldn't say it. We shouldn't talk like that. We don't want to be mean. You're being mean right now! He's crying. We hurt your feelings again. I'm not, visibly not crying.
You are so secure in your weakness. Yes. It's refreshing. I mean, other guys that I know, like any guy that I've slept with, he would let it just roll off his back. I mean, they could take jokes left or right. Yeah! There's so much fun to be around, but you! I guess they just wouldn't want to be seen as like little wussy shitheads or something, whatever. Exactly, but you own that shitty little wimp thing, you know? You, don't even try to be strong. I am strong! Like your character, you mean? No! I mean, yes! No, I am that as well, but I'm a big strong boy. You're getting worked up. Most, I could lift anything.
Think of nice things to say about Brennan? Um, Brennan, you are so safe.
Yes! That's what it is. You would never do anything. Anything. I would never do, that's the end of the sentence. Yeah. That's insane.
Wise beyond your ears. Brennan. Wise beyond your ears. Oh Brennan, you are so strong. Brennan, oh Brennan. You are never wrong.
Stop! Stop it!
You are treating me like a baby, it's insulting. We are so sorry. We gotta do this. Can you forgive us? Please.
Is there gonna be a little thing in here that calls me like a baby or a wuss or something? Oh. These are actually very nice, thank you. See? Yes. I appreciate it. There you go. I've been going for a more tropical thing, so. And, now no one has to look at you crying like a little bitch baby! God dammit! That is mean! Mean? Oh! Okay. Did I hear that correctly?
Because we are the two nicest girls in the office. We're so sweet. We took a poll. We know the results.
Yeah. Okay, Brennan? Yeah. Hey, guys?
Rap! Dirty booty, dirty booty, dirty booty. Rap eats dirty booty. That's the thing.
We would never make anyone uncomfortable and we would never be mean. We would never bully. We don't know how, we couldn't do it.
Truly. Hi, I'm Rap Dio from CollegeHumor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And click here to leave a detailed message.
Uh-huh. You did. I had to do the same thing. |
dropout | animal_attraction | so how do we how do we actually go about doing this thing yeah I have no idea I was kind of hoping you would know seriously is that the only position you know I'm sorry all right I'm a dog and at least I'm trying all you know how to do is roll over and play dead um I've never really done this before and I'm still a little nervous about you eating my head when we're done can we set up a safe word or something listen this can't be right honestly Harold this had to be the one thing that you're fast at so don't take this as an insult are you a guy or a girl oh no offense I don't know I see you I have no idea you want sex yeah sure why not let's do it okay I'm just gonna go under here and that's why it's not a reproductive thing what am I got what am I got here I don't know I don't know what it is it's not I feel I feel nothing all right I'm just gonna put my towel out sting sting sting sting that sticks this was a terrible idea I just assumed you'd use that stinger of yours my stick I don't think either one of us is gonna like that and and really please stop trying to smell my asshole it smells like an asshole all right that's let me mystery solved my asshole smells like an asshole |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_229_Simon_Cohen_from_Luxe_Listings_Sydney | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live on Desert Rock FM. Thank you for tuning in wherever you are in the world, be that on the wireless or on your assorted respected podcast platforms. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill and of course Errol Parker, back in the booth with an exciting one this week, an exciting guest. Yeah, no, I'll let you do all the plain Janes over the break, but yeah, no, it's good to get back in the booth with someone who's actually worth listening to.
Yep, we're going to learn a lot today about the world we live in, about the deep south, the harbour city. There's a lot to learn. It seems like if you live in a regional area or in a irrelevant metropolitan area like Brisbane or Adelaide, you might not know what's going on in the world. The fact of the matter is the property market in Australia is red hot, hot to trot and there's only a certain number of people who really know what they're talking about when it comes to selling, buying property, houses I'm talking about, we talk resies, not talking about commercials. I could, you know, I've got plenty of warehouses at the back of a tutor that we're talking about something else here and today's guest can tell us everything.
We're very honoured to be joined by a, I guess, somewhat of a Eastern suburbs icon. Simon Carn, thank you for joining us. What a welcome guys. Thank you very much. It's quite an intro. It's good to be here.
No, so I think a lot of people in our part of the world in southwest Queensland, they're very familiar with the stock and station agent, which is probably something you don't have down there in Sydney, but, um, most people out here would be like to be in your industry. They know what a real estate agent is, but you're not one of those. What is a buyer's agent? The old stock and station license, huh? A buyer's agent is almost the flip side of a real estate agent. So you've got a real estate agent who represents the person selling. We represent the person buying. So we go out and we find every opportunity. We source them and we get the price down as low as we possibly can. So some would say you're almost like a superhero in this world of, uh, real estate bending over the, the enemy of the people, which is the real estate agent.
How long has this role been around? And can you tell us, is it a new thing in relation to a changing market? Articulated perfectly by the way. Is it a new thing? I mean, I started this business in 2009.
Buyer's agents were not a known thing back then. The look on people's faces when I said I'm starting a buyer's agency or I am a buyer's agent was one of shock and horror. As the years have gone on, it has become a lot more prevalent. I think when I started, it was probably 0.00001% of people use buyer's agents. Now it's a very high percentage. You know, you go to an auction and say there's five bidders, three of them are probably represented by a buyer's agent. So as the years have gone on, you know, representation for buyers has gotten a lot stronger, something that we're very proud of. So yeah, they're a lot more prevalent now.
And you know, it's not just a market thing. I think it's just become a process thing. We're now part of the process.
First time I heard the term, the role, the title, buyer's agent was probably in Southeast Queensland during the mining boom. A lot of blokes working in coal mines, gold mines, copper mines with a lot of cash. They were buying houses sight unseen through blokes who do not dress like you. We'd say they kind of look like suburban salesmen who kind of look like car dealers at that time. And I guess this might have been an early iteration. Mining boom was probably just a bit before you opened up shop. These guys, obviously, it was a different kind of money. It was a different kind of market. But they were buying it sight unseen. I don't think that was a result of them having trust in these buyer's agents, but I think it was just a result of them having money and needing assets. Yeah, there are lots of people driving land cruises around mines in Queensland who own a lot of off the plant apartments in outer metro areas in Brisbane. Which possibly weren't the best things to buy. Yeah, yeah, I mean, there was money to move and there were people that put their hands up to help them move it. That wasn't trust. They were buying sight unseen.
Do you have that kind of trust with the people that you work with that they would buy something sight unseen via you? Absolutely, I mean, I think the biggest thing for us is trust and hopefully don't dress like those used car salesmen you were pointing to earlier. But I think for us, experience, market knowledge should equal the trust that our clients have in us. And a lot of the deals we do are for people who are overseas and they buy sight unseen. And that is a, you're buying someone a house for 15 million bucks that they've never seen. That's trust. With this trust thing, all right, people trust you with their money. They trust that their money's going to the right place.
Why wouldn't you just sell houses? What do you mean, why wouldn't I just sell? Why'd you choose buyer's agents instead of a real estate agent?
As we did mention before, they are the villains. Well, let's put that aside.
There's a thousand real estate agents. And when I started this business, I was like, everyone focuses on the seller, but without the buyer, there is no deal, right? You need the buyer for a transaction to happen. And so I wanted to create a business that looks after the buyer and acts in the buyer's best interests and a point of difference. And that's how come this concept and this idea and this business Cohen Handler was born. Had you worked as a real estate agent before moving into being a buyer's agent? For five years, I was a real estate agent.
I've seen the dark side. I've seen things, guys. So what made you, so what moment made you see the light?
You know, I was dealing with a lot of buyers and I could only sell them the stock that my office had. And I felt I became very salesy. And I said, I love real estate agents. I got a lot of them as my mates, but I felt like I became very real estate agent-y. And I was just like this, there's so much more out there I could offer them if I was doing this differently. And I also had like a passion to build an office and a brand with a culture that was cool, that people wanted to come to work at. And so it was kind of those two things. I then went to like live in LA for just under a year because 80% of people in the States use buyer's agents.
And I was like, you know what? I got to bring this back to Australia. You saw it happening well and truly? Oh yeah. Tell me a little bit, what's your patch? I mean, we said you're an icon, the king of Eastern Sydney, king of Bondi, whatever. What is your actual patch though?
Where do you do your best work? Well, I've got offices in Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne, Perth. So all over, me personally, my patch is the high end. It's Eastern suburbs, it's the North shore, it's the top end of town. It's typically where my clients are and I'm lucky enough to be dealing in these sort of mega mansions.
Could you give us a bit of a snapshot of what type of person your client is? Like, are they looking for a family home or are they looking for something they can turn a buck on? Oh, they're everyone. Typically it's a family home or a luxury apartment. My particular client is not typically someone they can turn a buck on, but I wanna make sure that whatever we buy, they can flick it and turn a buck on it.
But typically it's somewhere they're gonna live for a long time. And it's something, you know, when you're spending 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 million bucks on a house, you've typically worked a long time to earn that, that's a lot of money. You know, your house is the thing you're in that you're most proud of, do you know what I mean? So it's something that they wanna stay in for a long time.
What gets you the most excited? Like in terms of someone you're working with, if someone walks in your door, what really gets your blood pumping?
And I'm talking about the archetypes of buyers, right? Say you've got like a 55 year old divorcee who's just moved back from Singapore for the first time in 20 years. Is that what really gets you going? You reckon we can do some work here? No, I get on with all sorts of different people, not just divorcees. So that's not what just gets me going. You know what? I like the ones who are a challenge, you know? The ones who come in and they're like, why the hell would I use you? I know every agent, I know every property, I can do this on my own. Then they go out and they do it. And it's that challenge showing them that they really needed us. You know, our business, if someone said this to me the other day, whether you like it or not, if you wanna buy a property and they were referring to the Eastern suburbs in the top end, you gotta use me, right? Because it's very difficult. 85% of stuff I buy is off market. I love the challenge of someone who's very cocky and I can prove them wrong. And they're then happy that they were proved wrong. Married or divorced, just for the record. But there are cash cows out there. Yeah. So could you talk us through the process of what a buyer's agent does? So you've got a client that comes to you and says, for example, I wanna live on Woolsey Road near where Malcolm Turnbull lives. And this is my budget.
So let's say they wanna live in Double Bay or Point Piper. I'm looking for a four bedroom house, three bathrooms, two parking. They want a view. They wanna see the Australian federal police cars of Malcolm Turnbull. We would go out and we would find everything that exists in Double Bay and Point Piper. That's four beds, three baths, parking, view of the police cars.
What, on market and off market? On market, off market, pre-market, post-market, discounted.
And that's just through your network. Everything that's out there. Like I said, 85% of that at the moment is not advertised stuff. So we'd go out and we'd find everything. We shortlist the stuff that meets the requirements, the ticks of boxes. We'd flick it through to you. Anything you like. I'm giving you the bridge podcast version here. Anything you like, we kind of do the due diligence on it. So like what it's worth, why it's worth that, what a bargaining is, what a top dollar is, all that sort of stuff. Are they gonna build a block of flats that's gonna block your view of Malcolm Turnbull's house? All of that due diligence.
And then the fun shit begins. We roll up our sleeves, get out the boxing gloves and put a strategy in place to sort of get it for as cheap as possible. So that's the process. You could even go there and doorknock. Oh yeah, we doorknock.
We have an extremely motivated buyer for your property. Well, we just have a buyer.
Are you ready to downsize? Or upsize. Or upsize, yeah.
So I wanna talk a little bit about that Wild West where you actually get to do things that real estate agents don't get to do, which is like, does it happen like this? You drive past a place and go, that's it. This is what they want. Get out of the car and knock on the door.
Dude, I've woken up, once I did this deal in Bellevue Hill, I woke up at like three in the morning and I was like, you know what? I've just thought of the perfect house for my clients. And it wasn't for sale. I called the owner at six in the morning. He's like, it's weird that you've called. I'm moving to Hong Kong. I will actually sell my house. And we ended up buying it, right? They bought that house, we bought it for nine and a half. They ended up selling it for 18.5 because we moved into something else.
So they actually did turn a buck. But it happens more often than not. That's quite a buck they turned on it. Yeah, that's probably the easiest way to earn that much money is on. And it's tax free too. Is on the couch while your house goes up in value.
Tell me, that's what I want to talk to you about.
It's like, you know, everyone looks at someone like Babe Ruth, right? Babe Ruth has all these records. Babe Ruth is the greatest baseballer of all time. Babe Ruth also wasn't playing against any kids from Cuba or Puerto Rico. All of these different challenges that are now in the game. He was just basically playing baseball against fat old New Yorkers. You're in a market that's very much like Babe Ruth's market back then.
Admittedly, the housing property boom, you'd started before that 2009. We started in the GFC. Yeah, you started in the GFC. It's half time to start.
You try extracting cash from people in the GFC for a service they'd never heard of. Where this is the worst crisis that most of them have ever lived through. And a service that didn't exist that you got to pay for.
So the streets of Eastern suburbs were still clean back then. I'm thinking, how do you reckon you would have fared in 1990s Bondi when they hadn't redirected the sewerage? You know what I mean? We still had gangs of youth roaming the streets. Probably Bondi wouldn't have been my patch then. No, no. Yeah, okay.
So this is your work, high end. Yeah, our office does everything from 500,000 bucks upwards. But for me, the clientele I've attracted have typically been the who's who of town, the real high end.
And so it's just kind of where they want to live. Can you tell us some of the funny requests you've also got to wrangle? Do you get something as trivial as a buyer saying, I don't want to live next door to a South Sydney rabbit or supporter. Do you ever get those kind of, or they don't talk about that. No, the East is a small place. So typically it's like, I don't want to live next door to someone I know. They don't love that friend so much. Someone I've done business with in the past. I've had some weird requests, man. People are weird, like there's no question about it.
People are corked. Yeah. So you see a lot of that. Does it get quite primal when you're talking that kind of money? Like I'm not going to spend that much money if I have to live with this slight inconvenience next door. I think most people are accustomed to how insane the market is in Sydney.
So they know that there's going to be some sort of compromise. The compromise might not be living next door to that person or looking into the roofs of that house. But yeah, there are always compromises.
Now we've seen you on Lux listing Sydney, cult following, King of the East, et cetera, et cetera. Your family kind of gets a start in it too. How did they all feel about that? Dinner with the family, cameras in the home? Yeah, I mean, listen, I don't think they ever set out, any of us ever set out to be on TV or have any sort of fame. But my mom's like just got this huge following from the show.
People love her. And so it's so nice. Like she works so hard. She's my mom. So I'm quite direct with her most of the time. But like, it's so nice to like be at a cafe or a restaurant and like people come up to her and they're like, oh my God, we love you. So they feel like she'll be at Woolies and people will scream out, I love you, can I have a photo?
So it's been cool to show, I guess, our real life and who we are. And so you can't really argue about that. I mean, you obviously were operating well before this program. I want to go back before Lux listing Sydney. People want to know when we're dealing with this kind of money, your stripes. And your stripes exist now on paper. You can show what they've sold and the kind of deals you've done. Can you tell us some of the learning curves, maybe GFC era or early that you learned to bang yourself into shape, to be who you are now?
The first lesson I ever learned, I learned two lessons and actually from the same deal. The first house I ever sold, this is when I was a real estate agent, I was 20 years old. I grew up in the North shore. I was working in the Eastern suburbs. I had a buyer, a friend looking to buy a big house. It was a friend. From school, you know, cause when you're 20, like her parents were moving to the Eastern suburbs. You got to get whoever you can, right? This was an amazing lesson for me. And I door knocked all these houses and I door knocked this house in Vaucluse. I was a 20 year old little pimple faced guy and the owner invited me in and we started talking. And this is a long time ago where the gods of real estate were the guys that would sell these properties. Like this was when I was 20. So like 18 years ago, and this was a $10 million house 18 years ago, right? So now this would be like a 30, 40, $50 million house. I ended up listing and selling that house. My first ever deal for $9.8 million. And what happened was, I rocked up to it with my boss at the time who was a seasoned guy, had been around a long time.
We pulled up at the front of this house. We're out the front. The house is to my left.
My boss is to my right. I turned to him, I'm like, let's go door knock it. He turns to me and he says, Simon, you're wasting your time. There's no way we're ever gonna get this listing, right? I said, you wait here, I'm gonna do it. My heart's pumping. I'm walking up to the door, but I'm like, you know what? He spits in my face, he spits in my face. Like I said, I ended up listing it.
And so the first lesson I learned is never say never because it doesn't matter who you are, how old, what you look like, your experience. If you connect with someone, you connect with them. The next lesson I learned was who I sold that house to.
The guy rocked up in a Holden Commodore, good car.
I think it was, I don't even think it was an SS. It was just a standard commie. And no one took him seriously.
And I met him at an open for inspection. And he's like, you got to help me find a house because no one's taking me seriously. Everyone was very judgmental. If you drive a Commodore. You know, you weren't, you weren't someone who's buying a $10 million house. So I listed this house, I called him straight away. He came to look at it in his Holden Commodore. The next time he came to look at it, he came with a check for a million bucks, gave me a deposit, bought the house for 10 million bucks, pulled the house down and rebuilt it. He was the head of Barclays bank.
And the lesson I learned from that was never judge a book by its cover. So I'll learn from a young age. And then ever since then, I've just learned that those clients from then are still my clients today. You know, loyalty is a huge thing. And if you treat people the right way with respect, like everyone should be treated, people are going to come back to you and use you and use you and use you. So there've been some amazing life lessons, but I'd say they're the best too.
Yeah, look, I was just about to ask you, because I've asked a lot of people this, but did you ever have like a big break, like something that changed everything? Look, I'd say that first deal was my big break, not because it was a huge deal, but because it proved to me that I could do anything I wanted to do. Like if I wanted to tap into the top end, yeah, you know, that was my big break. Anything else since then was hard as fuck. Like firstly, people hated me because I was 20 and I did a deal that they had been trying to do their whole careers. Then I started a business in the GFC that no one knew what it was. So nothing else was a big break. But to me, if I had to say what was one, it was that, because that gave me the mindset to do everything else I've done.
Yeah. You have a bit more responsibility than a real estate agent. Real estate agent for the most part, apart from maybe criminal negligence, a real estate agent could sell a house that gets all moldy once the windows close. They glorify door openers. Yeah, but they also... Take it or leave it, boys. They sell it and then they're out. You don't hear from them again. You've got clients who are gonna follow you up if this house, if it ends up being a dud. Can you tell us about some of those anxieties that come through your mind when you have got this amount of money that you've got to do something with and you want it to be something, you want them to come back afterwards anyway. You're not like the real estate agent who sells them out the door.
What are you thinking about? Are you thinking about asbestos in the roof? We're thinking about everything.
We're thinking about if they ever need to sell this tomorrow, are they gonna get out of it? What's it gonna cost them to fix it up if there's anything they need? If it's brand new, have they done a cheap job? Is a view ever gonna be built out?
Every aspect of it, the way I've always done it, and I think that's why it's worked, is because every house I've ever bought, I look at it as if I was buying it with my own money. And that's how I advise my clients. And of course, I've had clients I bought 10 properties for because it's that doing the right thing by them. Me and one of the guys I work with, Tom, we just bought this really nice old couple with this amazing apartment on the water.
And they called Tom last night being like, oh, the ice maker, we can't get it to work. We can't get the ice maker to work. Something's wrong with it.
So Tom was like, I'll be over at 7.30 tomorrow morning. And he actually went there this morning and just realized that you had to hit the on button.
But that's our level of service. We wanna help our clients and we want them to come back and back and back. And those clients, we had bought their son a house and hopefully we'll buy the rest of their family. So that for us is the thrill.
Yeah, where I suppose if your ice machine was broken and you called the real estate agent, he'd just be like, call a technician. I don't think he probably wouldn't answer the phone.
The hell is this my phone? Sorry, whose number is this? New phone.
So the real estate agent once upon a time would have to weigh up a market in like, as in this is cheap. This is a cheap area and it might be nice. Nowadays they're saying, look at the trajectory. This is fucking expensive and it's gonna be even more expensive after you buy it. Tell us about the property market. Cause that's a big concern as well.
Like, do you have faith in this kind of vortex that particularly in Sydney? Do you have faith that this thing's gonna keep moving the right way?
And if you ever do get the jitters, how do you communicate that with a buyer? I stupidly have not had faith and it has held me back buying more property for myself and selling property myself. And I wish I had never sold and I wish I had bought more because every time I thought, you know, you do get, I don't now, but I used to get sucked into the media and all that bullshit.
And now having done this for so long, through so many markets, we are in a bubble in a very protected, very safe market. Real estate is the safest asset in Australia. It's the most desired asset.
And I have just seen in all these years, no one's ever come to me.
And I have dealt with thousands of people saying, I'm so happy I waited to buy. Everyone's always said, I wish I had bought then. I wish I had bought then. I wish I had bought that. Why did I not go an extra 10,000 on this?
Do you know what I mean? So I always say to my clients, if it's the right property and the price seems right, just do it. That's what I do now. I don't care if I, I mean, I'm stupid cause if I want something, I'll just pay for it. But the market never crashes here.
So in your mind, in your like detached from the media and the domain and all those. I don't read it. You don't read it, you detach from it.
Do you think it's sustainable? Yes.
I think the heats come out a bit and it has, but you're not gonna see a property that was 3 million go to 2 million. It might go to 2.8 million, but what's worse if it goes to 2.8 million or it goes to 3.5 million. And what's happened in the past is it's gone to 3.5 million. So yeah, listen, don't get me wrong. There's a lot of delusional owners out there, fucking idiots who are like way overpriced, but if they're priced right, it'll move.
And then, so that's an exciting place to be, obviously, especially in your role or even in that real estate agent. But there's also the excitement that I guess when you're in these markets, you're kind of missing, which is the gold mines. You know what I mean? Like the Eastern suburbs is diamonds. What about the gold mines? And you said you're right around the country. Where would you point to right now is in terms of market, is it the Northern rivers or are there even, you know, lesser known kind of places ready to pop, yamba?
You know, the magician never gives away history.
But what I will say to you is this, I like to buy in blue chip areas or areas where there's always gonna be reasons why people wanna live there, infrastructural reasons why there'll be growth, even if the market doesn't grow, if that makes sense. So whether you're in Sydney or Brissy or Melbourne or Perth or Adelaide, if you're in an area where people are gonna wanna live, then they're my tricks that I'll give away. There's always gonna be people with money until this world ends and they will be prepared to part with it, to live where they want. Yeah, yeah, I'm just wondering what the excitement, cause you know, you always remember South Sydney popping off. And that's an exciting game to play as well, as opposed to, you know, this has been doing well for 20 years and it's gonna keep doing well. Listen, I live in Elizabeth Bay and growing up, I don't think I ever wanted to go to Elizabeth Bay. You know, places change and they gentrify and the smart people are the ones who get in early. But I think anything that's on a city fringe and you look at, let's use Redfern, it's a city fringe. It's always gonna gentrify Alexandria, you know, because all that's gonna happen is you're gonna have the center and it's just gonna spread out. And so the closer it is to the spread, the more desirable it's gonna be.
Does it get a bit tricky? I mean, New York City, good example. Rent freeze, they have rent control in certain aspects blended into apartment buildings. That is to maintain services in the city, you know? The firemen, the teachers. Is there an issue, is there a potential risk of Sydney, old Melbourne, becoming a city where everyone who works in town has to come from two hours out? Or do you think Sydney has a good balance of that kind of affordable and high end?
I don't know. Look, I can't comment on population growth.
I'm not sure, but you know, I do often wonder how the everyday man can afford to buy a place in blue chip Sydney. If you're a young couple, you know, average price, you know, you're buying a place for 1.5. You gotta save 350, 400,000 bucks and live. And their parents are broke. It's bloody tough. I don't know how people do it. And so I do think people will move further and further away and that's just how it's gonna be. Because to live around here, you know, you gotta have a lot of money.
It's a thing that Sydney, I guess is always in waves. You know, King's Cross has been good. It's been bad, it's been good, it's been bad.
But I don't see the current trajectory de-gentrifying the way that has happened. All you have to do is have a look at the DAs in place for luxury apartments that are gonna be the whole of King's Cross. And you'll pretty quickly get an idea. Places, we're not gonna have zombies come in and like places are gonna turn into a war zone. They're gonna gentrify, not de-gentrify. Yeah, like I'd say like, is there anything that you can see taking the heat out of the national property market?
You know, like aside from, as we were saying, like preemptive first strike against us by some foreign power where, you know, there is, you know, a nuclear device is- Besides that- It goes off in Sydney. Yeah, COVID couldn't do it. COVID made the market boom. I've never seen a boom quite like that in my life before. Besides that apocalypse you speak of, there's only two things. A huge amount of supply coming on the market and interest rates going to a level that is beyond what the banks have built in as their safeguard. Both I'd be very shocked about.
But you're still dealing with people who don't really deal with banks. They're their own banks. But still, you know, we deal with a lot of normal people.
Interest rates, I mean, I know when my parents moved to Australia, interest rates were 18%. If they were 18% now, I think 90% of people would put their house on the market. I think there'd be a lot more. 18% were, yeah.
I mean, houses did cost the same as the RAV4. That was 1986 and a house, yeah, in the North Shore was like $450,000. That's now stamp duty on a normal house in the east.
So yeah, times have changed. Pretty wild when you say it like that. Now what can we expect from season three? Lux listing Sydney. Some pretty sick houses. Some pretty cool drama. I mean, I think the thing with season three is, you know, it's our third time around. Everyone's a lot more relaxed, a lot more comfortable. So a lot more ourselves. But you see some pretty epic houses. There's a bit of Delta drama, a little boat drama, everything you'd expect from Lux listings, right? But the houses are sick. Yeah, you said you're a bit more relaxed this time around.
Tell us about those couple of weeks leading into the first episode of season one. Did you have a good gauge on how you were gonna be presented or were you a bit worried like a maths contestant might've been? No, you know what? Like Gav, Delene and I, we all went in this together and we were like really adamant to Amazon that we wanna be portrayed as ourselves. And we all made a very concerted effort that when the camera's around, we were ourselves, right? But when season one came out, like you never know how they're gonna edit shit, right? Like, I mean, I've seen conversations I've had where they've been cut into something completely different. So you just don't know what to expect.
And I gotta say, I won't listen to this only cause I cringe at the sound of my own voice, right? And I cringe at watching myself.
I don't enjoy watching that first season but I was incredibly pleasantly surprised with how well they portrayed us as ourselves. But also while we were filming, I gotta say the producers and the film crew, they're just legends. And they really did a good job and they treated us well and they looked after us and they never tried to screw us over.
Not like, yeah, as we said. Not maths. Not like the dating shows where they jam and full of champagne and turn them on each other.
Well, there was a bit of that on the quotes. You know, they'd be like, I'm so sorry the food's taking so long but here's some cheap champagne. Yeah, you're hungry. You're a bit seasick and now you're full of champagne. On camera, can you say this is sparkling white? Yes, I know we have a thing but just one more question before we go, mate.
What's the maddest house you've ever been in? The maddest house I've ever been in.
I'll tell you what I checked out the other day, that penthouse of Crown, that $100 million penthouse. Yeah. All right, that thing's pretty dope. Yeah. And then last week I went to have a look at a $100 million mansion, which is pretty cool.
In Sydney.
100 million. Massive estate. Yeah, 100 mil.
Cronulla. Yeah, not Cronulla.
Look close to the city. There wouldn't be too many of them left, would there? There's a handful. There's a couple on the points, on Darling Point, Point Piper. Oh yeah, there's definitely a few of those.
The old house of Packer lived in, there's probably a couple of acres up on Milli Hill. The old Fairfax Estate. Well, that sold for a hundred, so that's probably more now. Packer's is probably 150.
So yeah, I've seen some pretty wild stuff. Yeah. Well, exciting times. We look forward to season three, Lux listing Sydney on Prime Video. Thanks for joining us, Simon. Guys, thanks for having me. It was great. Yeah, we'll see you down at Revisi's. Maybe.
Don't hold your breath. Device is- Besides that- It goes off in Sydney. COVID couldn't do it. COVID made the market boom.
I've never seen a boom quite like that in my life before. Besides that pocket lips you speak of, there's only two things. A huge amount of supply coming on the market, and interest rates going to a level that is beyond what the banks have built in as their safeguard. Both, I'd be very shocked about.
But you're still dealing with people who don't really- Most of my clients, yeah. They're their own banks. But still, we deal with a lot of normal people.
Interest rates, I mean, I know when my parents moved to Australia, interest rates were 18%. If they were 18% now, I think 90% of people would put their house on the market. I think there'd be a lot more. 18% were, yeah, I mean- Houses didn't cost the same as the RAV4. That was 1986, and a house, yeah, in the North Shore was like $450,000. That's now stamp duty on a normal house in the East.
So yeah, times have changed. Pretty wild when you say it like that. Now, what can we expect from season three, Lux listing Sydney? Some pretty sick houses, some pretty cool drama. I mean, I think the thing with season three is, it's our third time around. Everyone's a lot more relaxed, a lot more comfortable, so a lot more ourselves, but you see some pretty epic houses. There's a bit of Delta drama, a little boat drama, everything you'd expect from Lux listings, right? But the houses are sick. Yeah, you said you're a bit more relaxed this time around.
Tell us about those couple of weeks leading into the first episode of season one. Did you have a good gauge on how you were gonna be presented, or were you a bit worried like a maths contestant might've been? You know what, like Gav, Delene and I, we all went in this together, and we were like really adamant to Amazon that we wanna be portrayed as ourselves, and we all made a very concerted effort that when the cameras were around, we were ourselves, right? But when season one came out, like you never know how they're gonna edit shit, right? Like, I mean, I've seen conversations I've had where they've been cut into something completely different. So you just don't know what to expect.
And I gotta say, I won't listen to this only cause I cringe at the sound of my own voice, right? And I cringe at watching myself. So I don't enjoy watching that first season, but I was incredibly pleasantly surprised with how well they portrayed us as ourselves.
But also while we were filming, I gotta say the producers and the film crew, they're just legends. And they really did a good job and they treated us well, and they looked after us and they never tried to screw us over.
Not like, yeah, as we said, not like the dating shows where they jam and full of champagne and turn them on each other. Well, there was a bit of that on the quotes. They'd be like, I'm so sorry, the food's taking so long, but here's some cheap champagne. You're hungry, you're a bit seasick, and now you're full of champagne. On camera, can you say this is sparkling white? We have a bit of a thing, but just one more question before we go, mate.
What's the maddest house you've ever been in? The maddest house I've ever been in.
I'll tell you what I checked out the other day, that penthouse of Crown, that hundred million dollar penthouse, all right, that thing's pretty dope. And then last week I went to have a look at a hundred million dollar mansion, which is pretty cool. In Sydney? A massive estate. Yeah, a hundred mil.
Cronella. Yeah, not Cronella.
There wouldn't be too many of them left with it. There's a handful. Couple on the points, on Dining Point, Point Piper. Oh yeah, there's definitely a few of those. The old house of Packer lived in, there's probably a couple of acres up on Mill Hill. The old Fairfax Estate. Well, that sold for a hundred, so that's probably more now. Packer's is probably 150. So yeah, I've seen some pretty wild stuff.
Exciting times, we look forward to season three, Lux listing Sydney on Prime Video. Thanks for joining us, Simon. Guys, thanks for having me, it was great. Yeah, we'll see you down at Revisi's.
Maybe. Don't hold your breath. |
cracked | 8_great_foods_for_explaining_why_the_terrorists_hate_us_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 26 of Cracked TV, during which I will be consuming this entire KFC family meal. I'm your host, Droid Michael, excuse me, still counts. That is from being drunk, not the food. I'm your host, Droid Michael Swain, the suave stud with absolutely impeccable manners. I'm sorry, no, just in my mouth, we're good.
With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of People Vomiting, no, why, that was just a terrible choice. According to my internal heart monitor, my vowels are either clogged with pure giblet grease or today's topic is, get most hideous food, and don't mess with silo. Get ready to get hungry, then less hungry, then gone to queasy. Actually, can we not do this by now?
You've probably heard the Japanese Burger Kings are offering a seven-paddy whopper in honor of the release of Windows 7. It's a tower of beef so huge, you could fit an entire fetus inside it. To put that in perspective, most McDonald's burgers only contain about a third of a fetus. Not to be outdone, Ronald McDonald personally killed three animals and a fry guy to bring you the McDonald's mega-tomago Big Mac breakfast burger, a sandwich for people who aren't sure whether they want breakfast or lunch, but are positive they want a myocardial infarction.
Once again, this burger is only available in Japan because apparently, Japan won't rest until they've beaten us at everything we're good at. Up next, school shootings. Damn you Japan, that one was ours!
While I cover this chicken leg with chocolate sauce, you're going to watch a montage of giant burgers. Naturally, you got your king burger. This one is garnished with a burger, making it the world's first meta-burger. The Japanese one features a hot slab of meat between two black buns. I believe they call it the Michael Swain. This burger is so large, if you finish it, you get legal guardianship of these three children. Welcome to the Heart Attack Grill, where a combo meal includes a burger soaked in pig fat, french fries, jolt energy cola, and a carton of unfiltered cigarettes.
Over 350 pounds? Eat free, then have nurse Mary wheel you to your car in a wheelchair, then go home, lift up your gut so you can fondle yourself, and contemplate suicide.
It's just another Friday night at the grill!
Okay, so far, we've been exploring what nutritionists like to call the killing foods. Let's move to a different part of the pyramid I like to call status foods. These foods are less pizza on top of a pizza, and more pizza that you could never afford in your life.
Like the 007 Pizza Royale, a pizza topped with caviar soaked in champagne, and 24 parrot gold. But I know what you're thinking, what kind of champagne is that caviar soaked in? Champagne with gold in it, duh! Top your slice off with some gold marmalade and you're good to go. And to ensure that your crap comes out creamy and sparkly, make sure you wash it all down with some gold flake eggnog. Because yeah, there's a huge overlap between people who love eggnog and people who want gold in their food. A cake covered in diamonds?
You know, I think it would have been cheaper to just round up all the poor people and fuck them in the ass.
And a fruitcake? That's not even a good kind of cake! Oh wow, a diamond fruitcake.
Huh, didn't we get you one of those last year? Oh yeah, I guess you did. Well, this is a different one. Uh huh.
Are you gonna try it? Will it rip up my insides?
Probably. Then no, probably not right away. Smart.
Oh god, why is it black?
You know folks, eating all this chicken reminds me of an old folktale. About the two hands that double teamed a pig and then fell into a deep fryer.
The result?
The KFC double down. A sandwich that proves that a bowl is not in fact the most depressing way to serve fried chicken. The sandwich is two strips of bacon, two slices of cheese, a dollop of kernel sauce, all nestled between two chicken breast patties. Which, when you think about it, isn't a sandwich so much as a wad. Also, I shudder to think what kind of sauce comes out of a kernel. Since they only serve the double down in the south, and I'm not allowed back there, I decided to recreate it with two chicken breasts, some bubble tape, and gravy.
Mmm. You can really taste the bones. Okay. That last thing, but inside a donut.
It's called a Krispy Kreme Chicken Donut, and you can get it, actually, no. You know what? I'm not gonna tell you where you can get it, because it shouldn't exist. A jelly donut plus fried chicken plus honey does not equal food.
And if it does, then I'm officially announcing the premiere of Michael's Chicken Bucket Supreme. There you go. $29.99.
Knock yourself the fuck out. I hope you choke.
Hey. Ah. Listen, I'm sorry about that, guys. I'm just a little... Okay. You know what? I'm actually not gonna go to, uh, Clippy this time, because... Ah.
Oh, God. Wait. More? There's... You found a lot of those. Oh, my God.
I've been Michael Swain. Here's music. I'm gonna have some fun. I'm gonna fuck you up, Clippy. I am serious.
You are dead to... I've decided to recreate it with two pieces of chicken, some bubble tape, and gravy. Wow. You can... You can really taste... That's not the worst thing I've ever enjoyed. |
dropout | bizarre_amazon_product_reviews_2 | Welcome to Bizarre Product Reviews. Today we're going to review some of the weirdest stuff we found on the internet. I'm joined by Katie and Grant.
This is a baseball hat fan. The type of person who would buy a hat that has like solar power panels on it. This is like their everyday hat. Is there an instruction manual for this hat? I think we should be focusing less on the window and more on what the hat has given us. That's not a puzzle. So I have some obvious problems with the hat. I'll show you what it would be like if the hat actually worked.
Oh my god. This is not terrible at all.
So we came outside to check it out and it seems like it's not working at all. I don't think solar power ever works.
Uh oh. Woah! Is it going? Yes it is. Look at this!
It's so ugly. I give it one star right away that it fits. I don't know. I think that's one star hat. This is a sex toy.
This is a wine glass holder. A hands free wine glass holder.
Actually that's great. I would actually use that prana. Hey Zach! How's it going? Good to see you.
This is just my wine glass holder. You know it's my wine glass holder so I can just shake two hands at once.
Oh no! Stop it. Too hard at a party to just put your drink down.
Well you never can find it again right? You never find it again.
Can you imagine a scenario where this might be something you'd use? Maybe in the future if I had a baby on my hip and then wine. And this is not my baby. I'm babysitting. Be careful with the baby.
Okay. What is your final review of it? I think there's definitely room for improvement. I would give it four stars. I'm into it. Can you imagine going to a party and wearing this and everyone's like that wine holder was a hit. This is a five star product. Cheers.
A fork! Boiling spaghetti fork. Wow! It would take you a year and a half to eat a plate of spaghetti with that.
Yeah let's find out. You can hear the motor straining. It doesn't have the torque for that spaghetti. It's oddly satisfying though to do. It's fun. I get it. Oh no. Oh no. Ha! Okay, now I'm going to review how Katie eats spaghetti. I think this is probably my ideal fork. My wrists don't work great. I have a small mouth. Picking up one noodle is ideal. It's not even wound up that much. It's wound a little bit. Maybe you didn't do it right. It worked perfectly for me.
I have to give this, I think, one star. I think this is very dumb. I don't like this at all.
This shouldn't surprise any of you. My review is a perfect vibe. Five stars. You wouldn't change that product at all. No, I think it's perfect. You can have that one. A bathroom toilet light. Instantly five stars. Let's go check it out. Oh.
I didn't even know it was going to change. You wake up in the middle of the night. You don't want to turn the lights on.
It's too much. You've got to aim because you've kind of got a boner. Yeah, either. Yeah, Katie. I would love to pee in a bowl. What the hell would you like? Yeah.
A full five stars. I give it five stars. Yeah, I give it five stars as well. This is a great idea and it's just oddly beautiful. I can stop and start it. Love peeing with that. Five stars. I will honestly buy one of those to keep that company in business.
Thanks for watching Bizarre Product Reviews. If you have something you want us to review next time, just leave it in the comments below. Thanks for watching.
So, do you guys have any bonds that you bought recently? So you think this is what a rich person looks like?
I think it's a great idea.
If you have something you want us to review next time, just leave it in the comments below. Thanks for watching.
So, do you guys have any bonds that you bought recently? So you think this is what a rich person looks like? Yeah. A paper plate with spaghetti on it and a wine purse. What's in your mutual funds?
I would run away from you in real life. And if you want access to CollegeHumor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_devil_is_a_white_woman_with_dreadlocks_wizards_watch | Are you farting? I can feel it in the couch.
Yeah. Still. Still going.
Welcome to another Wizards Watch. Christmas edition. Santa style. If you're seeing this after Christmas, we failed. We did not edit it in time. Today we're watching everyone's favorite Christmas movie. Narnia.
Suggested by. I'm not going to put it in front of my face. Why not? You do it to us. You got hot chocolate. Is it recording? Yeah. Frank, your hot chocolate tip. No, no, no. You kicked it. Ah, shit. We have merch.
All for the low, low price. Of a dollar. Well, it's a little more than a dollar. You can have them all for a dollar.
Nope. Wizardswithguns.shop. Dot com. No. And let's begin. The Bionicles of Narnia. Wait, what's that you guys? Wait, with the hooves on the...
Laughter? A belly? It's full of jelly, it sounds. Oh my gosh. It's boogie2988. Laughter. He's looking for a sex worker on our roof. What? Laughter. Music.
You can't quickly run. I forgot my fushigi. Laughter. Leave the fushigi. No.
You need to keep this on, darling. You warm enough? Good girl. I got my owl and my wand.
It's wrong, Luke. The Massey's are bombing the city right now.
You can just get on a train. I hope I get Gryffindor.
Holy shit, they took Poland. Potions? No, Poland. They're calling it blitzkrieg, yet the world's at war.
And that's a spell? Ah! Where is... Did you get that owl? That owl is so close to us. I snatched it from a bush.
Not accustomed to having children in this house. And as such, there are a few rules we need to follow. This is Hogwarts. You can't convince me otherwise.
It's the witch. No, no, no, wait. That's the lion. It's probably the wardrobe. What could only be under that curtain? It's a perfectly rectangular lion. The lion, the witch, the wardrobe. How do we keep track? Now the pipe.
I'm sorry, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tumless. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Tumless. I'm Mr. Pevensie.
Mitch, if you were any character in this film, you'd be Tuppus. Laughter. Mr. Tuppus. Who's Tuppus? That is such a Tuppus thing to say. You're so Tuppus. Oh my God, you're so Tuppus.
He's cute. He is kind of hot. Music. So funny. Instead of like taking a drink, like you play a flute and you're like, what the hell is in this thing? Laughter.
What, you've been sucking? You don't inhale.
You can't have done anything that bad. It's not something I have done, Mitch Pevensie. It's something I'm doing. What are you doing? I'm kidnapping you.
Really can't stay. Baby, it's Narnia. Laughter. I've got to go away. Baby, it's Narnia. Say what's in this flute? Laughter.
I kidnapped you. You got to go home.
It's Uma Thurman. That's not Uma Thurman by the way.
What? Yes it is. That's Tilda Swinton. Swinter. No Swinting.
Laughter. That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. That's so funny. She thinks she's found a magical land in the upstairs wardrobe. Laughter. Oh! If you looked at me like that, I would be like, oh shit. The funny thing about that is that if I had a magic land in my wardrobe, it wouldn't take the extra context of the wardrobe. I'd be like, oh shit, she found a magic land. Baby has you multiple. And the wardrobe is specifically the worst one. Oh fuck, Narnia? Laughter. Oh fuck, you found Narnia. Oh shit.
Oh dang, did you talk to Tugus? Don't talk to Tugus. He'll kidnap you.
Laughter. He'll flute you right to sleep. Laughter. Stop it! That's Mitchell every time I hit him with a hammer. Laughter. Oh, yeah. I ain't gonna smell it if that's what you want. Sorry. Lucy Pevensie. Laughter. Imagine if he even knew your full name. Michael Epstein. That's his real name. No. Laughter.
Aslan's return. Thomas arrest? The secret police? It's all happening because of you! This was my aunt at Thanksgiving. Laughter. The secret police. The deep state. Music. Hurry!
Where is Santa? He better be in this movie. Do you actually think Santa's in this movie?
I don't know. Be still stranger or you'll never move again. Who are you?
This is the guy from Kill Bill who pawns us a Toriihansou sword. Yeah, he plays Daud in Dishonored.
Shut up. Laughter. You saw that.
Time is short and Aslan himself has asked me to gather more troops. You've seen Aslan. What's he like? Like everything we've ever heard. You'll be glad to have him by your side in the battle against the witch.
If I get married, I hope I'm just like these beavers. I hope my wife's a beaver.
You can't say that. Why? You can't say you wanna have sex with a beaver. I didn't say that.
Ow! Stop squirming. Ow!
You're worse than beaver on bath day. Worst day of the year.
His name is Beaver. What else have they got? What's his last name? Epstein.
Our guest is hungry. This way. For your mamma mams. My favorite line. Release the faun. Faun.
She's like, so what, you forgot the key? Just smacked it open.
I can't use those again now. I have to buy new shackles. These aren't like a one use thing. They're not cheap.
I'm the blacksmith for that. Shit. Now I gotta turn this guy into a rock. Wait. Hold on. This can only be something terrible.
I suppose I'll go look. Neither are you, Beaver. We should split up. Shall I go, Scooty? You go left. We'll go north. We thought you were the witch.
Merry Christmas, sir. It certainly is, Lucy. I love this Santa. He looks so real.
So did Narnia have its own Jesus? No, just their own Santa. As land as Jesus. Okay. Is Santa a Christian? No, he's actually a staunch atheist.
I hope you never have to use it. Thank you, sir. Is that a dagger? Did he just give him a knife? Trust in this bow, and if you don't trust in it, you'll never be able to use it. This is his bow, and it will not easily miss.
He's just giving them all weapons to mend themselves. I love that Santa gives these children just lethal weapons. This is a .45 caliber UMP sub-automatic machine gun. You only have 180 rounds across five magazines. They're all hollow points.
Now I know you're just a beaver, but I think if you put your little beaver paw on the trigger. Brace your little beaver body. This is a bouncing Betty. Give this to your wife.
Merry Christmas. Santa, I forgot. What's your last name? Epstein.
Stop him. He's got a bag full of weapons. Somebody stop. He's going to his island. If it's a war Aslan wants, it's a war he shall get.
A bit unnecessary. We get that you're evil, but a butterfly? I'm swilled to Tintin. I can do whatever I want. And I got a company called Goop. Different blonde woman. Huh?
She has a vagina cake. It's a candle. And it's delicious.
What if the horse started just under the balls? So there was just like a pair of nuts resting on a horse.
There is a deep magic more powerful than any of us that rules over all of Narnia. That's an under fortress. Peter, do you know how to work redstone? Do you have a pickaxe of mending? You won't stand a chance if you don't have an elytra. You're going to need at least 16 blaze rods. Everything the light touches is one chunk.
Come on. We've already been through this before. We both know you haven't got it in you.
All this guy can do is hold that sword the worst way possible. Imagine the director like, lock your elbows and cry. Action. Narnia will be overturned and perish in fire and water. That boy will die on the stone table as is tradition. You guys do this every year for Christmas? I hate it here.
It is time. From here, I must go on alone. But Aslan. You have to trust me for this must be done. I think it'd be so cool to have a friend that's just a lion like that. Hey Aslan, do you want to go see part two of Into the Spider-Verse? No, I heard it's a cliffhanger. No, this- I'm gonna wait for the other one to come out. It's got a good story.
The chromatic aberration gives me a headache. That thing sucks. Ew.
That's you. What? No, what? No, he's right. That is you. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Shut up. He just starts eating it and he loses the crowd. They're like, oh what? Gross. Don't do that. Bro, this guy's got one thing and it's eating hair.
Pits all over Narnia. I guess. We will take Narnia forever. Forever.
That's the deep magic. That guy looks real. I think he's real. She's really the best actor and she's like the youngest one. Might take it back. This lion is staying so still. He's great. Professional through and through.
They actually blew up a lot. He just cut the legs off of a horse. That's crazy. That's fine, he's got two more. Just walk home upright. But yeah, fully on the back legs. That's hilarious. He's so tall.
Honey, what happened? I don't wanna talk about it.
God damn it, I'm gonna have to make that photo shot. Yeah, please do. Uh oh, horse in the penis. Do it, hurry. Okay, here it is.
That's hilarious. Oh, it's fucking strange. Ew.
She might have interpreted the deep magic differently. That when a willing victim who has committed no treachery, is killed in a traitor's stead, the stone table will crack and even death itself will turn backwards. She didn't read that part? And if a lion has a haircut, he will get it back.
I love how just every famous mythical creature is here. Santa's just planting as many claymores out of his sack. Yeah, he's just got a fucking bag full of bouncing bennies. It's like starts licking them all around. And it's working. Yeah, but he's like, oh, thank you, Aslan.
Okay, oh my God. You're done, you're done. Leave that part stone. Oh my God. I'm gonna scatter. Oh, man. You okay?
War. That was a griffin. War never changes. Except for when someone turns a griffin to stone.
Then it's good. It's like some brand new shit. It's different then. It just hits different.
The beaver has a chain real tank top on, dude. This shit's going so hard. I just feel like if rhinos are dying, the beaver should be dead.
Yes! Nom nom!
He's the only one left? Why is he not? Yeah, dude. He lasted so long. He was waiting.
So, they turned Care Paravel into a Walmart parking lot. Spare oom. Lucy. And again, coach.
The fact that they come back and they're so young, they're like, ah, but I'm an adult. I've lived years. I have to go back to school. I lost my virginity to an aunt.
That was in like a Fox Studios video. Remember? He's like, I'm only attracted to beavers now. You ruled over a vast nation and now we're just poor and from England? Go watch that video. It's a great one. There you are. What were you all doing in the wardrobe? You wouldn't believe us if we told you so. Try me. Do you guys think our mom is dead? Like a bomb or something. Yeah, the whole blitzkrieg and everything. Shit. Can we ask Aslan if he can fix that? Yeah.
Do we think we could bring some centaurs to aid the allies on the east front? I think Winston Churchill could use a couple beavers. Oh shit, the Griffins took the Rydelands. Oh God, France has fallen. Hitler's like, what? Unicorns took Normandy?
He's so angry. Oh, there's an end credits scene. I don't think you'll get back in that way. Nick Fury is just sitting in the wardrobe.
We're putting together a team. Yes! A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe? All in one. Mike, what was your favorite part of Normandy? I think my hat will give you a clue. When Edmund got stabbed. Yes! I like the part where the witch picked up the butterfly and dipped it in queso.
Thank you for watching. I hope you have a happy Christmas. Guys, if there's a movie with magic in it that you want us to watch, leave a comment. See you next year.
Wink. Oh, you have a nosebleed. Oh, dude. Oh, but it's good though. For Christmas? He peed himself. Yeah, all because of a wink. Guys, don't wink. We'll be back in January with all new hilarious sketch comedy. So hit that notification bell.
And a special thanks to all our patrons. Mitch, say your signature line. Linton, the prescription. We hope you guys had a wonderful Christmas and we wish you a happy new year. We love you guys. Thank you.
Bye! Santa's not gonna come if he finds out you've both been naughty. Santa's been itching all year and he's not gonna come.
Did you make that up yourself? There's so many easy Santa come jokes. Santa's coming? I just now thought of that. |
cracked | what_if_donald_trump_is_just_an_elaborate_prank | Okay, that is, uh, that's really good to hear. Uh, I agree, yeah. This is gonna be a lot of fun. All right. Looking forward to working with you. We booked it. Yes!
We are officially scripting a fake campaign for Donald Trump. This is gonna be so funny. Oh man, I'm gonna make him say such stupid stuff. I just can't wait to see the look on everyone's face when we go on Conan or whatever and we're like, Surprise America, it was all a joke.
How long do you think we can milk this? Two months for just subtle enough. I mean, how long could a Donald Trump presidential campaign actually last?
Donald Trump announced his plan to build actual wall along the border between America and Mexico. Build a wall!
Ernie, how'd the speech go? Great. Weird.
The wall bit played. It's a child's idea of a solution to immigration problems. It played.
The people loved it. The people loved the whole thing.
Crazy. Did he imply that Mexico is directly sending us rapists to murder? He didn't imply it. He said those words in roughly that order. Huh. Little disappointed in the American people.
No, no, no. This is good. This means it can go on longer and the longer it goes on, the funnier it's gonna be when we reveal it's all a scheme. Yeah. This is gonna be so funny.
What else can we make him say? When asked if it was appropriate to call some women fat pigs and slobs who should be on their knees, Trump responded. I think the big problem this country has is being politically correct. Live on television and into a microphone that he knew was on.
It's over. That's it. He relieves? Oh, man.
That was the worst debate performance I have ever seen. I keep wanting to say that I couldn't have scripted a worst debate performance and that's true because I scripted this one. It was your best work.
I know. Oh, he was so confused and shitty up there. Is he the first presidential candidate to call Rosie the Donald Fat live during a debate? You think Benjamin Harrison did? I think. Yeah. I mean, I haven't seen the numbers yet, but there is no way he bounces back.
We're out. This was fun.
Weird that after all this craziness, it's just gonna end up being Bush vs. Clinton again. Donald Trump, a reality TV show star, leads the GOP polls by a very comfortable margin. Jeb Bush quietly drops out of the race. So tonight I am suspending my campaign.
Yeah, yeah. I don't understand why would he drop out? He's one of the only normal ones. Why would he do that? Thank you. Who the fuck was that? It's Kent.
One of our interns. We have interns now? We have a staff now?
We had to. Be weird if we didn't.
Boss, Marco Rubio just made fun of the size of Trump's hands, claiming that men with small hands can't be trusted. I need a response. That's so childish. Make Donald tell America that his dick is huge. Huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good. At the next debate, have him in uncertain terms imply that he has a giant penis.
No, guarantee it. He has to guarantee it.
What? Sorry, you're gonna have to get used to us. It may seem unorthodox, but we have a different way of doing things around here. Back to work.
And have him say it. We should ban on Muslims. It's an unrelated thing. Just have him say it.
Does Donald Trump have a big dick? I mean, how could he? Donald Trump has a tiny penis.
Oh. That ought to do it. Americans applaud Donald Trump's assertion that his penis is on the larger side. I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee it.
Passively implying that candidate penis size is an important factor to consider when stepping into the polling booth. Marco Rubio has dropped out of the race. While it is not God's plan that I be president in 2016, or maybe ever... Here are the pitches.
One, Donald calls Ted Cruz's wife ugly. Two, Donald actually threatens Cruz's wife, but who knows. And three, maybe we go back to Megyn Kelly and see if there's anything left in that way.
All three, go. On it. Okay, all right, now tell him to say that all women should be punished for abortions. Don't hang up. The one on the left makes him look like a scrotum volcano. All right, now tell Donald to say that when elected president, he will not repeat, not change any of the abortion laws that are already set. Oh, is that a contradiction? Oh, well, thank you for the input until recently not fired, intern. Just do it. Don't hang up.
Governor Christie just endorsed Donald Trump. Fuck you.
I mean, good. That is a result we want. Updates for social. Tweet another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women and children, at least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve. Jesus. Don't change a word of that. Still with me?
Okay, have Donald say that he is very pro-life, even though in 1999 he literally said he was very pro-choice, and then just anyone is a liar. Just have him say everyone's a liar if abortion comes up again.
Here's the latest pulse. Thanks. Why are you giving me the pulse? Shit.
I forgot. I mean, I have a whole staff now, and we're doing really, really well, and I don't... All these people are volunteers, and I don't want to let anybody down, but I really don't want to do this either. I have a cruise book for November. I mean, should I cancel that? I mean, am I Donald Trump's beach rider now, for real? Shh. It's okay. We just have to remember why we're doing this.
Need the room, please.
You're all doing really good. What? It's stupid. Hey, Donald. It's us. You're on speakerphone. Donald.
No, it's okay. Donald, we know you're scared, and we know you're tired, and you don't want to do this anymore, but... I promise it will be over soon, and it'll be really hilarious. I don't want to be president. I know you don't. Nobody does, but you just have to try a little and be brave. Can you do that? Okay, good.
It'll be so funny when we tell everyone, and it'll be over real soon. Real soon.
I didn't expect this. I didn't expect it.
You're on Meet the President 6, sir. Which of these ties do you want? Thank you. Yes. I'd like a much longer tie that is actually a rope, and I'd like part of that rope to be tied to something very high up. And the other end, I'd like tied just as tight as you can, right here. After that, I'm going to need you to write me a letter. Blue one's fine, Ken.
What are we going to do now? Go and meet the press in five minutes and talk about how this is really a win for the American people. And then?
Minimum, a few months of campaigning. Max. Eight years. Just eight years of working in the White House, and then we'll tell everyone.
And it's going to be funny? It's going to be so funny.
Hey, everyone. Thanks for watching whatever video this is. We are crack.com, and we're excited to tell you that starting this Saturday, we're going to be going from five to six videos a week, every week from now until the end of time, because we've just got so much. So stick around every Saturday for more jokes and make-em-ups from us. We are now on the set of our Breakfast Club remake. We're very inattentive to the source material.
I like that six is the most videos we'll ever do. But thanks from now until the end of time, it's just six. We made it. There could never be any more than six.
Subscribe. I was being Ali Sheedy just now. |
SaturdayNightLive | nadeen_augustus_general_emergency_room_snl | Excuse me. excuse me. Hi. I need some help here. Hi. can you help me, please? simmer down Now. Hi. I need to see a doctor right away.
I just said to Simmer Down Now. What? Simmer down Now! get your heel! I want you to slow it down Now and tell me just what occurred. What could is. I fell from my apartment balcony and I gashed my head on a sprinkler. looked like you cracked your noggin there. Oh, God!
How many stories? What? How many? How many stories to drop now? One.
One floor. just one. Have a seat. What? not enough floors to get my head stitched up? Sir, on behalf of Augustus General, I'd like to invite you to simmer down Now. the ball can only fill out these forms and have a seat over here. no blood on a clipboard now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down now! slow down Now! I wasn't going that fast.
What do you think? There's a dead tone of fat, huh? What? where to break. What? Where to break!
There. Use it now! Now. Get!
Excuse me. Excuse me. my husband's been in a motorcycle accident. I think he broke his wrist. yeah, I can't move it. it's swelling up really badly.
Okay, everybody, simmer down Now! Listen, I would love to simmer down now, but you see, my wrist is shattered, so I would encourage you to admit me now. Sir, your sass is unappreciated here. so before your oval wrist becomes shattered, I suggest you fill out these forms and have a seat and then simmer down. And simmer down, right? that's correct. thank you.
Not over there, over here. Where? Over here!
What did you shout out your hearing from? In addition? who the hell do. hey, hey, hey! simmer! simmer down now. you're a freak. Simmer. excuse me. excuse me, I've been simmering for about three hours.
I think I'm going to pass out. I don't know how much longer my hand can last.
Sir, I'm going to ask you to help yourself to this magazine while I contact your proper insurance carrier. Now tell me, who would your association be with Blue Cross, Blue Shield? No, no, I'm with an Hmo. when on that case, I want you to take this war in peace. sit yourself down on a low heat and continue to simmer.
What's the matter? What the hell? What?
Simmer, Simmer, Simmer, everybody! All right. Now you have made a valid observation. and since the squeaky wheel get the grease, I will provide medical assistance to you.
Agent Dr. Mo Gohmert. Dr. Mo Gohmert. Please, we need your help up in here. Dr. Mo, Mo Gohmert.
Here's your call. Finally. Nadine, I'm sorry for the delay. What seems to be the problem? my wrist is shattered with hair.
Everybody, simmer down Now. What? What part of Simmer Down did you not understand? No simmer. But we just want some. Who this? Schwimmer? What stock average listed here? the Dow. what a beaver do to a log. it gnaws on a log? put it all together now. Schwimmer Down now. and try it again. You. Schwimmer down now? close but no seek off. last chance for the money. Simmer down now? ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. we have a winner. you can go ahead and. you best simmer. not now. simmer Now. No. Minna! |
dropout | why_you_re_more_successful_than_steve_jobs | Do you guys think I could beat up Jackie Chan?
What? No. No way.
No, he's still in great shape. He'd kick the shit out of you. Yeah, you're probably right. I could definitely beat up Bruce Lee. Well, yeah, he's dead. Exactly. Today, in a one-on-one fight, I would absolutely annihilate Bruce Lee. Holy cow, you're right. That's incredible, Murph. Dude, you'd be a martial arts master. Bruce Lee's lifeless body would just lie there and take it. Man, here I am, sitting next to a guy who could dominate Bruce Lee.
Meanwhile, what do I have to be proud of? Hey, you've got a lot to be proud of.
Heck, I guess you're right, Murph. I did accomplish more than Steve Jobs this year. Wow, that guy invented the iPod. Yeah, but he hasn't done shit since he died. Pat found a great deal on a coffee table. He did.
That's true. That's real oak.
Hey, you guys think I'm better looking than James Dean? Totally. You have a really nice smile, Trapp, and James Dean is a pile of bones. You know, Trapp, I never realized it, but you're actually way more attractive than James Dean.
It's a decomposing body. Well, I have been using product lately. Yay! Oh my god. I just realized I have a better chance of becoming queen than Princess Diana. That's crazy. She's a princess.
But I'm a lie. And I could perform a better rendition of Imagine than John Lennon's remains. And I don't mean to brag, but I'd be a better president in 2016 than Lincoln, FDR, any of the founding fathers. I mean, they're pretty much worm food at this point.
Wow. Amazing.
I would give a better speech than Martin Luther King today. I could do more for India than Gandhi this afternoon.
And I'm more likely to become a saint than Mother Teresa. Actually you need to be dead to qualify for canonization, so technically Mother Teresa is more likely than you. But I can jump higher than her.
Whoa! No. What's wrong? How can you sit next to this?
Sick fuck. Who, Pat? He's killed as many people as Adolf Hitler this year.
What? What have I done?
Get behind me. I've killed as many SS officers this month as every World War II veteran combined did this month.
Thanks for watching. Here to subscribe to College Humor and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the laughs. What was that man? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Thursday_26th_March | Hello, my name is Wendell Hussey and you're listening to The Batooda Advocate's Daily News Bulletin. Coming to you live once again from the budgie smuggler bedroom in Batooda Heights. As mentioned yesterday, if you listen to us on the internet rather than on Desert Rock FM, we'll be transitioning off the Batooda Advocate podcast feed and onto the Batooda Daily News Bulletin at the end of the week, so make sure you subscribe to that one. Starting off with some regional news and a dodgy bloke out the front of the Wobbly Boot and Bogabilla can get you into Queensland if you've got the coin, it can be confirmed. This comes of course after the Queensland borders were closed at midnight last night and since then there's been severe traffic congestion reported on the M1 Pacific Highway and the Gold Coast Highway as large queues form to enter and leave the state through police roadblocks with motorists being questioned as to their eligibility to cross the state line and plenty being turned around. Police have also put up roadblocks at every point from Cameron's Corner to Tennefield to Mungindi but there's one 62 year old bloke loitering in the car park of Bogabilla's famous Wobbly Boot hotel named Brandon Bailey who can get you wherever you need. He said to us, So if you're listening from down south and need to get over the border, drop him a line.
Some international news now and the British press are frantically scheming how to blame That Witch for further infecting the Royal Family. That Witch according to the British press being Meghan Markle of course and that comes after Prince Charles was diagnosed with the COVID-19 virus and the Royal Family going to lockdown in their giant estates and palaces. Despite the fact that Meghan is some thousands of kilometres away in Canada, it's believed that the press are keen to attribute Charles' contraction of the virus to Meghan no matter what.
Some Fleet Street fuckhead said to us today, In other international news of sorts and the nation's cruise ship enthusiasts are today looking back on the good old days when the only thing they caught was Gastro. We spoke to a pair of elderly Queenslanders over a land line and they told us they really missed the days where you could book yourself a spot on a cruise ship and only expect to end up shitting your brains out in the comfort of your own room. It is quite a sad story this one and they went on to tell us that deep down in their heart of hearts they're trying to come to terms with the fact that they might be done with cruises for good.
And Russell Oakes, one of our readers from Batutah Heights, commented on that story saying, Finishing up with some sports news now and a local sports star of Punta has called all of his aunties across Queensland for tips on this weekend's council elections. Yes, engineer Brandon Simpson put on his best good nephew voice and decided to go on a little bit of a fact-finding mission yesterday. With all major codes off around the country and around the world, the Coopda bachelor told us he's been trying his hand at Tajikistan Premier League but not having much luck. So he's decided to do a bit of punting on the Queensland elections. In an effort to learn a bit more than the mainstream media were telling him, he decided to call his aunties to check in with him and also get a bit of a betting preview while he was there. He told us he got a couple of good long odds roughies out of it and made all of their days so it's turned out quite well. So we'll see how he goes on the weekend and good luck to him.
But that's the end of today's News Bulletin. Thanks for tuning in and don't forget to subscribe to The Daily Feed. We'll be back again tomorrow but until then, look after yourselves and look after one another. My name's Wendell Hussey, goodbye. |
cracked | why_the_internet_needs_to_break_up_with_bacon | Hey, thanks for agreeing to be here today. I know you have a lot of things going on in your life. That's kinda what I wanna talk to you about, actually. Listen, I'm just gonna cut right to the chase. You've changed, and I don't like it. I mean, I get that all this attention you're getting from people is fun and all, but I'd like to remind you of something.
No matter what you've heard to the contrary, all you are to anyone is a piece of meat. That's all you ever were for as long as I'd known you.
Just a simple breakfast food. Sure, you'd turn up on the occasional burger or sandwich, but that's it. Things used to be so simple, you know? But then, you went on that crazy low-carb diet, and man, things got weird really fast.
All of a sudden, it was like everyone wanted you everywhere all the time. And if I'm being completely honest, I think you let it go to your head. I mean, just look at the crowd you started running with. We bacon wrapped it all to maximize the full bacon experience right now. It's like you don't even realize they're just using you to get famous. Those people talk about you like you're Chuck Norris or some shit, which by the way, enough with that guy, too. Walker told me I had AIDS. But I digress. Here's the problem. Instead of recognizing all of those wacky references to your awesomeness as the hyperbole that they were, you took it as a sign that you needed to branch out even more. Now, it's like there's nothing you won't put your name on.
Bacon Band-Aids, sure. Bacon Cologne, why not? Bacon Vodka, that's disgusting.
But yes, of course, you did that, too. And don't even get me started on the anal loop. What the hell?
You know, we have a word for people who act this way, and that word is sellout. Let me ask you a question. Is there even such a thing as enough money in your world? Because you've asked for more every single year for at least a decade now.
A pound of bacon is averaging more than $6 these days. One pound, $6. Do you know what a person can buy with $6?
And actually, sellout probably isn't even a strong enough word for what you've become. You know, pigs are dying left and right these days, correct? There's been a deadly diarrhea epidemic decimating the swine population for over a year now, and you turn a blind eye to it all. Did you forget where you come from? You are 100% swine. Your kind is dying, and all you care about is keeping your fan base happy. It's like you're not even food anymore. You're a religion. You're the Scientology of breakfast meat, and it's getting out of hand.
Oh, and let's talk about those people who follow you around so much. There are a bunch of personality bereft drones who only pretend to love you because they think it gives them some sort of identity. If you count future congestive heart failure statistic as an identity, then I suppose they're right. And you know what? That part I'd be fine with. I mean, just look at the kind of people you're bringing around these days. Remember these two?
Bacon eyebrows, bacon helmets, bacon condors, bacon kill me. This needs to stop, and that stopping starts right damn here. Don't get me wrong. We'll definitely still see each other, but I'm done pretending you're some kind of delicacy that exists on a higher plane of food consciousness. You've had your moment, and it's clear you're not responsible enough to handle it. I'm done with you, bacon. Done. Oh, and in case you think I'm joking, there's something else you should know.
I had sausage for breakfast this morning, and it was great. Hey, thanks for watching. If you disagree with me, head to the comments section and tell me why I should get back together with bacon.
It probably won't be that hard. You can talk me into it. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_wii_sports_resort | Welcome to Bleeploop. We're playing Wii Sports Resort with the new Wii Motion Plus. I'm Jeff Ruben and I'm joined by John Gabris, Stephen Tatillo from Kotaku, and this week the role of Pat Castles will be played by Sam Reich. All the Pat Castles fans just slam there. This new Wii Sports comes with this extra nubbin for the end of your controller, and this guy they call it the Wii Motion Plus, and it makes this guy even better.
It's just more accurate. I'm just looking forward to four years when it's gonna be a staff. The remote is so long it extends into the virtual world. Nightmare is from really rich prep school all over again.
By the way, you don't have to use two arms. The controller has no idea how many hands you have. I just noticed that.
Great call putting swordplay in the top left corner. They could have sold swordplay at its own game. We just got the new games. We'll be hitting each other with swords, or I don't know, cycling. I feel like there was this effort at first to make the Wii family friendly, and here we are two years later. Swordplay is the number one. They soften it though, right? It's not sword fighting, it's swordplay. It is a little sad that even in the video game world they're making us wear safety equipment. Down the gloves, like oh we don't want you to get wrapped in the knuckles. Swordplay is sitting down. This is the way they recommend it. The ancient masters did it. Fight a horde of sword fighters.
Take three hits. Three hits?
That's all I guess? This is farther and farther from the world of resorts.
Oh this is awesome. I feel like William Wallace. I'm just whacking women in the face. This can't be good. How do you sprint through someone and kick them in the nuts?
Fighting your way across a bridge of middle-aged librarians. I'd love to go to the resort where you're like, think about hanging out by the pool today. They're like, we actually have UN 40 other people scheduled to attack one guest on a bridge. If you could just fall down after one hit, that'd be great. Just fall right off the bridge. Is there water underneath the bridge?
I don't know, whatever. It doesn't matter. We're going to give you guys one part of a catcher's match. Free night.
The weed is telling us something. Notice how they've upgraded the graphic for Weed Sport Resort. Oh there's a palm tree.
This looks like someone was kidnapped from this house. Like a child is missing.
And all the killer left behind was a weed mode. Why is that not the kid's weed mode? That's why you've got to wear the strap.
Now that we've played a little bit, does it seem noticeably different with the Motion Plus? Does it seem better? It seems maybe like there's a level of subtlety to it, which if you've played it a lot, you might start to notice, but right now it feels just like you see it. I don't care if Motion Plus or not, if I'm going like this.
I'm having fun. It actually does add a lot of controller complexity and depth to the motion. And it never really could know the difference between a big swing and just a small swing. So when people first got weed tennis, they first thought, oh, I've got to play like I'm playing tennis. But then people realized, oh, I can just do this. I can just cheat it. And what they've shown in games like this, or if you play the golf in this, or entire woods golf, you can't cheat that anymore. So the thing knows whether you've moved your arm big or whether you've just done a quick little flick.
So they know more about where the remote is. I like the sense that video game players are constantly looking for the least possible root of effort. And eventually they're going to crack this one and have to come up with something else in order to be able to win. We found out that Cameron, your home, someone at Nintendo is constantly moderating you to make sure you're actually winning. There's a dude who hacked Tekken to be able to have a thing that hits A rapidly for him, and he can just sit there. Video game players are like a virus.
They've adapted. You're not strapped in anymore, Sam? Yeah, I'm not strapped in anymore. Strapping in is like the freshman in college who wears their ID on a landing. Clearly you just transferred here. |
wearethesundayblues | ghosts_of_myspace_past_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Hello, Nick. What are you doing here? It's late. It is late. What are you doing here?
On Facebook? Not on Facebook.
I'm just checking the time. Yeah, it is late. You've got a problem, Nick? I don't have a problem. Yes, you do. Look, you're on it again. I'll just quickly have to see which power range I am. It'll be quick.
Oh, the black one. Isn't that a little bit racist? No, it's not. I just never liked the black power ranger. Or the yellow one. What are you doing?
Just going to have a little sleep. Just going to have a little... No, no. You're going to have a little... You're going to have a little sleep.
Where are we going, Gary? I'm taking you somewhere special, Nick. Got something very important to show you.
Who's the hot chick? Hot chick? No, Nick, that's you.
Sitting around, wasting time on MySpace. MySpace? I remember MySpace.
No, they don't look good. No, they don't.
Why am I taking all those selfies? Well, Nick, back in the day, a selfie hadn't been invented yet. They just called them MySpace profile pics. I look like a little goblin freak. Yeah, well, unfortunately those photos are going to be up on the internet forever.
No, I can delete my account. Well, you can delete your MySpace account.
Yes. What's your password? I can have the password sent to my email address. Oh, which email address is that? X through these tear-stained veils X at hotmail.com. You still use that one, do you? Still got the password for that?
Didn't think so. Okay, I still get some more to show you. What? There's more? What? Is that me? Yep.
Open Facebook. Opening Facebook. Well, I imagine that I'm probably just taking a break from a fulfilled life of accomplishment. No, I don't think you've done much for the last 50 years, actually. You just sat in that chair on Facebook. Scroll. Your friend David Scott has died right on his timeline.
That is pretty big. What's wrong with my hand, Gareth? Oh, that's from holding a phone in your hand for too many hours a day.
You call it the social media claw. New quiz. Which Star Wars 12 character are you? Take the quiz. Buzzfeed are still doing quizzes. Yeah, you see that folder on the left of your profile there? Yeah. That contains all the Buzzfeed quizzes you've ever done.
Yeah, everyone can see them. Everyone can...
No. You're still a black Power Ranger? Carl from The Walking Dead? No.
You'll always be a Chandler, Nick. No, no. You'll always be a Chandler.
Noooooo! No! Noooooo!
Gotta delete all of my cards. Hang on. Which backshit boy are you? |
SaturdayNightLive | osama_s_pep_talk_saturday_night_live | Osama, it's confirmed. the Northern Alliance has control of Kunduz. Also, we have lost 15 armored vehicles outside of Kandahar. the men are becoming despondent. Don't worry. everything's going to be okay. I just give these guys a little pep talk, all right? Uh, gather everyone around. Okay, okay. okay, everybody, gather around. Uh, Osama wants to talk to you. Loyal Brothers of the Taliban.
I. Oh, Hot Mic. Hot Mic.
Not too much, uh, too much. I kid. I open with a little joke. uh, it doesn't say in the Quran that we can't laugh.
Yes, it does. Yes.
Okay, okay, sorry, sorry. Look, look, I'm not going to lie to you. we lost Kanduz, and it seems like the Northern Alliance is tearing us a new one. you can say that again, brother. we're screwed. Okay, Guy. hey, Guy, stop helping. Okay, listen up. Sure, they've taken all of our strongholds and reclaimed 90% of the country, but that's part of the plan. that sounds like a not very good plan. I mean it. stop doing that, Guy. I tell you, this plan is good because their armies are getting overconfident, and then they will sneak in, and we will get them and give them the old one-two.
Am I right? Rockman, help me out. Am I right? Hell, yeah, you'll be happy, until the Holy Land is rid of the great Satan. Yes.
Death to the Influence!
We cannot be tempted with a $25 million reward. How much money? $25 million! Okay, alright, Rockman, please, please, easy. is that Afghani dollars? No, man, are you crazy? Saudi dollars? No, American dollars. the sweet, long green, my friend. bada-da-booda-da-doody-doody-doo. But we won't be tempted with money. you know what?
I'll take it from here. eh, eh, what exactly do we have to do for the money? It's too complicated to explain. No, we're willing to listen. honey? $25 million? you've got my ear. How do we get it? I'm not even sure how it works. I mean. boss, it's simple. I'll explain. Okay, it's a $25 million bounty on Osama's head. cash on the barrel, okay? no questions asked. but we don't care about that.
Please, Rockman, go check on the goats. Oh, the goats are fine. Okay, I checked them earlier.
So, $25 million! Alright, super, Super, Alright now. back to the plan. hold on, hold on. if Osama turns himself in, we get $25 million. don't be stupid. he doesn't have to turn himself in. you bring him in, dead or alive, they give you the money! Oh, yeah! Trust me, trust me. $25 million is Not worth selling out your beliefs. Listen to him. he knows what he's talking about. he's got $25 million big ones, unlike you pigs. Alright, you know what? you're not helping. you're not helping. Now, come on, guys. you don't want that money. it won't buy you happiness. we can at least get a better place to live in this cave. you know what I mean? what are you talking about? it's cool to live in a cave.
Batman lives in a cave. No, he didn't. Batman lived in a mansion above the cave. Yeah, he's right. Batman lived in a mansion. he lived in a cave up there. the butler.
No, I know. I know the show. I'm not stupid. Listen, you get me a trek, please. I was trying to tell you my strategy to win this war. where was I? you were saying how you're a millionaire. and all these people eat dirt. I was not saying that. I was saying that, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, Boss. you were saying how the Northern Alliance, along with the Americans, are giving us a royal ass-kicking. And that's somehow this is a good thing. continue.
Okay, you know what, Rockman? Rockman, sit down, please. I got your back, man. sit down. wait, wait, what about the $20 million? I don't, you know. it's $25 million, you pig! don't sell my man Bin lad. In short, man. come on! I need it. Sit down! Okay. really? hey, everybody, calm down. calm down, please. please, okay.
Listen, I was holding off this until later, but I got a bootleg copy of Harry Potter. All right? you can go in my room and watch it. I got a Vcr. there's a keg in there, have some beer. me and Rockman have some planning to do. So remember, keep up the good fight, Death to the Infidels, all that stuff. that's all for now. All right. that didn't go that bad. you were a big help! big help! Okay, where to now, boss? out the back of this cave, dum-dum. what do you think? do you have my razor, by the way? Yeah, I got your razor. |
dropout | hardly_working_lie_detector | So, as I'm sure you two have noticed, last night someone broke into the bathroom and vandalized it with some extremely hurtful words and illustrations. Two people have quit over this and I need to get to the bottom of it, so... Aren't there security cameras? We turned them off at night.
It was a great initiative. So, what we need at first is a control question. It can be anything, really. Do you like my shirt? What does that have to do with the vandalism? Like I said, it's a control question.
Idiot. Well, if we have to be totally honest, then no, not really. Yeah, me neither, I'm sorry. Huh. It says you're telling the truth. Damn thing's broken already. Stupid. I say I'm, uh, no. That's right.
Yes, the machine was being truthful. No, you're lying to protect the lie detector industry. It's admirable. But let's try another control.
You walk into work one day wearing this shirt. You hear a bunch of your employees making fun of it behind your back in a loud whisper, really just normal voices.
Are they A, jealous, B, blind, C, all of the above? I didn't know that lie detectors can ask multiple choice questions.
I'm gonna put that down as a B. Sam, are you just self-conscious about your shirt? It's gonna be a C. Okay, Sam, just relax, alright? There's nothing wrong with your ugly shirt. Regular shirt. There's nothing wrong with your regular shirt. Fine, let's get down to business.
Well, he's not wearing your shirt. No, but the talent wrangler behind him is. You mean the goatee guy yelling at the kid? And the shirt looks pretty good on him, doesn't it? I don't know, man.
It kind of hurts my eyes. It's like an optical illusion or something. Yeah, the woman at the thrift shop said it pops and I assume she meant metaphorically like the color pops, but no, actually it really is kind of like a magic eye. It's an elephant, right?
It's rapid fire question time. Matt, do your shirts hitch on the inside? Not really. David, do you get rashes from wearing your shirts? No. Hives. No. Old women on the street yell obscenities at you based on your shirts. Are you serious? Hives. You already asked that. No, does your shirt give the old women hives?
Like just looking at it? Yes, just looking at it.
Why would you ever buy that thing? I don't know.
It has like this cool like red lining on the inside. Wow, those are spots of blood. Man, it has like weird allergic reaction to it. What is that thing even made of? Well, it's 10% polyester, 3% Tylex, 6% not silk, 8% whale tooth, and 50% cotton.
What's not silk?
All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but there was a witness in the bathroom last night who says he saw some quote suspicious activity. Now, before I bring him in here, is there anything you guys want to tell me? Fine. Owen, get in here. Hey, guys. Hey, Owen. You saw some suspicious activity in the bathroom last night. Yeah, that's right. Now, why don't you tell us about it? Okay, well, I was leaving the office late, and I heard these weird noises coming from the bathroom. Oh, really?
And so I went in to check, and you were in there trying on just like bags of all these really weird shirts. Like, one of them had purple swirls across the side and like a brown zigzag stripe across it. One of them just straight up had a picture of Pikachu on the front. One of them had three pockets on the front, which I remember thinking was a weird number. It's a hard pocket. Oh, okay. |
dropout | honest_post_game_interview | Marcus Meeks, that was a commanding performance. To what do you attribute tonight's victory? What?
Definitely to me being great at basketball. Look, I scored the most points, so I definitely made the biggest contribution. I'm the best player on this court.
For real. Oh, and it also helps that the other team fucking sucks. Horror. That they do. How does it feel? Are you kidding? Fucking amazing.
Listen, I just feel sorry for everyone out there who will never experience winning an NBA basketball game. Because this shit right here, this is the best feeling imaginable. I'm about to go carry all this energy off the court and get my dick wet. Alright, my life rules. Very enlightening, and obviously the exact unvarnished truth.
Steve? Oh, Brian?
You guys got clobbered tonight. That must feel pretty bad. Nah, it's all good. We're out of playoff contention anyway, so these games are pretty much meaningless. You're actually in a good mood. You got 12 rebounds tonight, so it puts me on track to make a few extra million when I go free agent next year. Let me just say one thing to my kids at home.
Kids, you're getting an infinity pool next year. An infinity pool!
Wow, that sounds about right to me. And we've got the losing coach right here. Okay.
I just want to let people know, I swear to God I'm a good basketball coach. The problem is that my players suck, okay? I mean, I made all the moves today on the court. But I don't have a ton to work with. So, I'll tell you what is my fault, is taking a job with a small market team that can't afford to succeed in this NBA, okay? So, I'm praying somebody who understands basketball is watching. Somebody who understands what I'm doing with no salary, putting in an innovative offense and making real change here. And hires me for a team that can actually afford to pay its players.
I'm sure they won't.
Now let's go to the die-hard fans who are so happy! And by that I mean, we came to the game, subsumed our individual identities into that of the local team, and now feel validation as a result. I mean, obviously, I had nothing to do with the events on court, but from some miracle of psychology, I feel genuine joy from their accomplishment, even though none of them care if I live or die!
And back to you, Craig, who I'm sucking. Hey, thanks so much for watching the video. As a reward, we're going to do a little improv scene for you. Can we have a suggestion, please? I heard water balloons. Well, we figured this out. Please click to subscribe. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_227_Andrew_Quilty | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show, recording live in the Diamantina Shire you join by myself Clancy Overall and of course Wendell Hussey the Eternal Cadet and I'd like to start today's episode off by saying Valet Olivia Newton-John, our first true love and a pioneer, she paved the way for Kylie and anyone who came after that as we record this is obviously the 9th of August 2022 and we've just heard the news and yeah there'll be a lot of, I wonder if she should get a state funeral, she has been living in California. Yeah yeah they were giving the Seekers, the Seekers lead singers getting a state funeral so you'd imagine Olivia surely gets one, that's televised as well, a trailblazer.
It's been a bad year for Australian music, losing a few greats and also another one now that I'm tangiting, almost every one of my favourite Mafia characters has cocked it this year, Ray Liotta, Paulie, Sal, James Caan of Santino fame, what a great year. It feels like one of those years doesn't it, that you look back on it. Yeah like 2016 when it was Prince Bowie and Muhammad Ali in the same month, damn anyway that's just how it is, the pandemic's over, this is what we're talking about. Now today's guest was there on the ground for last year's biggest story and we're of course talking about the fall of Kabul. It was a long time coming and there was a lot going on, similar to what we're seeing with the war in Ukraine now, it drifts in and out of the news cycle and very few people are getting a good gauge on the daily kind of developments in the war in Afghanistan or in the war in Ukraine right now. Today's guest saw a lot of it, it would be an unfair question for me to get him to explain the entire war in Afghanistan because I think that's a question that we'll be asking ourselves for centuries, but he certainly saw a lot of it.
So thank you for joining us today Andrew Quilty. Thanks for having me Clancy, thanks Wendell.
Now in your capacity working for the Fourth Estate, you weren't necessarily working for the Australian media, you were a mercenary of a whole lot of different publications over there, but what would you say your job title was? Was it first and foremost photographer, I know you got the gold Walkley for that, would you say photographer or would you say photographic journalist? I think photojournalist is the term, but my business cards went through a couple of different iterations while I was over there, I think most recently I had photojournalist slash writer.
Yep, and that's why we're talking to you today, you've just released a book, you're an author now, August in Kabul. America's last days in Afghanistan.
And you were there and I remember when it was happening, I remember the live crosses were going to you, you stayed on longer than anyone else that they'd ever crossed to over there. Did it feel like that? Did it feel like you were kind of one of the last outsiders holding on on the inside?
Yeah, there weren't many of us and as you say, the media back in Australia came to me on several occasions because there weren't a lot of us to choose from. But yeah, there was, I mean, as you were saying, the war in Afghanistan sort of ebbed and flowed in our consciousness over here and throughout the rest of the Western world. And I guess at that time, although there was this impending withdrawal of the American forces, which had been telegraphed months, months in advance, there still wasn't that much media attention. So there weren't that many journalists, I think a number of journalists had probably planned to fly in maybe a week before August 31, which was when the withdrawal was meant to conclude. But, you know, the way most journalists work these days, they don't have time to to spend months in advance leading up to this story.
So it was really only those of us who lived there who were there at the time. And you you've been living there for nine years.
And then as that withdrawal was coming, you were actually overseas at a wedding in France. And it all kind of happened a lot quicker than people were predicting and people were thinking. So you flew back in as it was all escalating, as everything was becoming so real. You were flying back in into the middle of it as so many people were disappearing and fleeing the country. Yeah, I was over there for a wedding in France, as seemed to happen every year in summer there. It was kind of it was always a nice excuse to have a bit of a break. And so I had one in early August and I was planning to spend a couple of weeks out just to take a breath. And at the same time, actually, while I was at the wedding and the first weekend of August, the first of Afghanistan's 34 main cities fell to the Taliban. And there are a lot of kind of Kabul watches at this wedding and we were sort of looking at each other going, what does this mean? And we weren't too worried.
Then the next day, two more cities fell. And then two days after that, three more cities fell.
And we're starting to look at the maps, like watching the Taliban sort of converge on Kabul. And a few days after that, it got to the point where I realized, like, if I didn't get the next plane back to Kabul, I wasn't going to get in before the Taliban had Kabul surrounded and the airport inevitably closed. Kabul watches. I like that term. It's like especially I like to envision the Kabul watches at the back of the wedding on their phones, kind of like Kiwis at a wedding when the All Blacks are playing, just kind of zooming into the goings on of, you know, your life and everything you've worked for. And you're right. Nine years you spent thereabouts in Afghanistan.
You don't want to miss that. You don't want to miss this kind of moment, you know, in terms of your your coverage. No, it's definitely not a dead rubber in the blood of Sykad. No, no, no, no, no, it certainly wasn't that. But it's it's obviously something that's always omnipresent with you.
Even now, do you still find yourself kind of sussing out what's going on or have you? I do, but I've tried to remove myself a little bit of, you know, cut off my Afghanistan Taliban Google alerts and tried to drop out of WhatsApp groups and things just to tune out because I mean, to be honest, I found I find it pretty depressing. I just, you know, one of the things that kept me there for so long was having a little bit of hope in individuals sort of pushing against the tide of pessimism there. And after last August, I find it pretty hard to find any optimism. So I just I've just I'm kind of trying to tune out and that's that's difficult now.
Obviously launching this book and also with the one year anniversary, it's sort of back, you know, it's coming back into the consciousness and but you know, that'll be that'll be for a heartbeat. That'll be back to everything else. Now, I want to go back to a time before that was on your mind.
Before you Afghanistan adjacent, I guess you could say, I want to know what makes a young, good looking rooster from Sydney's north side pick up a camera and go to ground zero, I guess of, you know, one of the biggest kind of conflicts of our lifetime. What for one, get me into the photography. How did that become a thing? Because, you know, there's photography, there's there's many, many different layers to photography, there's those poor buggers that get asked to photograph funerals. And I hope no one's done that to you because that's offensive. And then there's, you know, people that like playing with cameras and then there's people that do it for a job and there's people that take it one further and document.
How did you find yourself as the latter? I really fell into it in a number of kind of incidental events. The first one was probably the fact that I had two uncles who were photographers, professional photographers, and one of them gave me one of his old Nikon F3s, this sort of classic old film camera that he was no longer using. And not because I had any particular interest in it, but because I was, I mean, visual art was my favorite subject at school. And I guess, and I also looked up to these two uncles, they were kind of my cool uncles.
And I guess they thought that I could put it to use. And so, the first time I put it to use was when I traveled around Australia in an old 1981 HiAce with a pop top with a couple of friends. And I took the camera with me and, you know, 20 rolls of film or something, and found a hiding spot for it in the van where I thought it would be safe. And actually, a week into the trip, we're having a surf up in Kingscliff near the New South Wales, Queensland border, and the van got broken into. And they stole, yeah, they stole everything except our boards and our wetsuits, which we're wearing at the time, my camera gear, and our booklet of CDs, which is filled with mostly Cold Chisel, Bon Jovi and Midnight Oil. So, we were pretty offended by that.
So, you got to keep the camera? Got to keep the camera.
You know, I just took very rudimentary, you know, documentary photos of this trip, just, you know, my friends and the van in front of, you know, the campsites and campfires and whatnot. And, you know, I had no professional training or ambition even at that point, but I kind of enjoyed it. And I thought, you know, I came out of a private school where you left feeling as though you had to have a career, you couldn't just go and be an artist or, you know, you had to have a real career. So, I thought, well, I like creativity, photography, maybe I can join these two and make an actual career out of it. So, I studied at, I went to Ultimo TAFE down the road here, and still not knowing what kind of photography I wanted to go into, I could easily have ended up in, you know, fashion or advertising or funerals. And it happened that at the same time I was working at a bottle shop, where a photo editor at what used to be Fairfax used to work, and he used to come in and sort of took an interest in me and what I was doing. And he'd bring rolls of film in for me to shoot.
And once he said, you know, why don't you come in, do some work experience? Do what we do.
And I came in, so I was doing work experience at the financial review photo department, which sounds pretty dry photography wise, but there were some really good photographers there. And it was also two floors below where the City Morning Herald photographers worked. And I met a lot of them and, you know, kind of fell under their orbit. A couple of them took me under their wings. And these were photographers who kind of had social consciences and were using photography to express that. And yeah, they really took me under their wing, not only in photography, but in music and what they were reading and things. And it was really that couple of years in the early to mid 2000s that kind of set me on this path using photography to tell stories and look at social, cultural, political issues.
So it felt like, looking back, did it feel like a cadetship? Did it feel like, you know, like a natural career progression? Because I know a lot of people that go to kind of, you know, you go to a hardened football mad Catholic school, anyone who ends up in some form of self-expression can often be viewed as like an alien. You know, as you said, you had the pressure to get a career. Well, you had one and it was very similar to many other careers. You know, once upon a time, nurses would be a cadetship or, you know, all kinds of different trades before they kind of got professionalized. And journalism was a big one like that too. You know, it was, journalism was, you just find whatever one dot Fairfax journal that you've made friends with and they take you under their wing. And it actually very much becomes a career. So you didn't feel yourself wanting to be, could you even see war correspondent in the headlights at that point or?
No, not at all, not at all. I mean, when I left school, I didn't really have an interest in world affairs. I certainly didn't have any knowledge. I wasn't, I never read for pleasure. I certainly didn't read the newspaper or watch the news.
Actually, like just to go off on a tangent what you're saying about that private Catholic boys school culture. I mean, it was weird then, the people who were doing what I guess we now consider cool stuff at school like music or art or creative writing or whatever, which was considered then like, you know, we were the weirdos or the outcasts or, you know, at the time like insert, you know.
Yeah, homophobic slurs. Homophobic slurs, yeah.
And then, you know, a few years out when you're doing it as a job, it's like, you know, it kind of flips and it's like, oh, wow, that's cool. Like, you know, it's, you know, they're working their job in, you know, real estate or law or engineering or whatever. Yeah, yeah. And they get blown away that you didn't have to kind of do exactly what your dad did. That is an interesting thing. You see it a lot because I guess these schools don't really celebrate their exports either, you know what I mean? Like you could have every wallaby on the wall, but you won't have an Aria winning musician, even though they're likely gonna be remembered for 50 years longer. So it is, I mean, for one, it's amazing that you found this career given it's not really encouraged by, you know, these educators.
Do you find that you came from a household where they were celebrating, you know, artistic self-expression? Yeah, it was certainly encouraged. My mother was very creative and is actually at the age of 70 completed her own bachelor in visual arts. Oh, congratulations, congratulations, mom. Yeah, so it was always certainly encouraged.
And you know, when I wanted to like build a dark room in the corner of the garage, they were all for it. And- Better than them in there smoking billies. Maybe a bit of both. Save that for the high ass. What goes in the dark room stays in the dark room.
So you were saying that you didn't really have an idea of where you were gonna end up in terms of a career. How did you go from being at Fairfax and doing a few bits and pieces to landing in the middle of a war zone? Well, the first war zone would have been 2006 on Cronulla Beach.
True, 2005. 2005, sorry.
I haven't got that ingrained into my memory that time, but I'm sure you do. That was, I mean, the first time I saw your name attached to photographs, Cronulla Riots. Yeah, I think, I guess that was around the early stages of where I was looking for something to point a camera at or something that mattered to me. And I was a surfer and I was living on the Northern beaches at that time and pretty aware of this like, you know, pretty ultra masculine localized culture where, you know, if you're not from here, you're not welcome.
The Inceola Peninsula. The Inceola Peninsula, yeah.
Locals only is the word. It's a uniquely surfer thing too. Yeah. You don't hear people say locals only in Ipswich.
Please, please come join us. Or ride with us or collide with us, as the Bravois say. No offense to any Bravois listening.
Yeah, it was kind of a confluence of these, couple of these elements that I was interested in and, you know, it was sort of all over the news and the week leading up and I thought I'll head down and- Did you get the text? I never got the text, no. No, I was obviously moving in the wrong circles or the right circles, yeah. Your Nokia didn't invite you to a race riot?
Yeah, so it was, it was, I mean, it was like, it was intense and I bet, but as a photographer, it was like, oh, I'm finally in a, like in the right place. I felt like I was in the right place to be where there was stuff that was important to point a camera at. I want to ask about how you hold yourself in that situation.
I mean, Cronulla is a great example because it certainly doesn't involve, at that point it didn't have any weapons. There were no weapons involved. It wasn't a kind of, you know, that you didn't have the US army on the ground. It was a shameful chapter in Australian history, but it's a bit different to a war in the Middle East.
Can you tell me, in that situation where you've got the camera, how do you reconcile with, you know, your own conscience? You'd strike me as the type of guy who might be programmed to help deescalate things, you know, if you see something going on. If you see something happening around you in a pub, in, you know, in the streets, on an airplane, you know, we've all got to calm someone down, just woo up a little bit, mate. But in somewhere like Cronulla where it's all happening around you, and I think this is a kind of good case study for what kind of happened later in your career, how do you just keep pressing the camera? You obviously need to point a camera at it, as you said, but how do you not switch into the role of the police officer? Yeah, very good question. I mean, to be completely honest, in those situations, you're really trying to blend in with the crowd, and that often means making yourself appear to be one of them.
So on that day, I remember I consciously dressed in a way that I thought I'll fit in. I mean, it also happened that I had a shaved head at the time, which was...
Scribble on a few tattoos. Strange coincidence. Get the Southern Cross on your chest.
Yeah, I mean, it didn't go that far, but you know, so when you're around, in this case, these guys, your body language is suggesting that you're with them. And to an extent, you have to be if you want them to accept you. And the same goes for working in Afghanistan, like on the day, you know, in many ways, you compared this to a war zone where there's, you know, in the one hand, it's fists and feet and broken bottles, and the other there's, you know, firearms. But my approach is not dissimilar in either. You have to kind of be at one, you have to pick the mood and fit in with it and go with it. And particularly when there's crowds, I mean, you know, there's something that's predictable about a frontline, something very predictable about a frontline. You know where the bad guys are, you know where you're safe to an extent. In a crowd, you're really at the whim of the crowd. And I mean, I find it pretty terrifying, actually. Certainly after last year in crowds trying to get in the airport, but there's something, you have no sense of control in a crowd. And sorry to your question about, you know, whether you sort of step in or not. Again, I mean, in a crowd situation, that's incredibly difficult.
I was also, I was pretty young. I mean, I was young, immature. I didn't really know what I was doing or who I was really at that time. And so, yeah, look, I mean, to be honest, to be, yeah, to be completely honest, I was really just photographing those days. I was pretty, you know, shocked by what I was seeing.
There were actually a lot of guys amongst the rioters who were putting themselves between the fists and those that they were being directed at. And obviously the cops were there, but there were a few situations where, yeah, it was lucky no one was killed that day, I think. But yeah, I wasn't really, I mean, fortunately or not, I was never really in a position where I, I think I could have affected any change, but yeah, I mean, it's definitely a question that me and my colleagues have to ask ourselves at times. More change can probably be affected with the photographs that kind of have their place in history. Some of the photos that you would see, and we're talking about these, I wouldn't say iconic, but those famous images of the Cronulla Riots were taken by you, you know? And we probably, in a country that is such a big fan of revisionist history, it probably was more important that you weren't grabbing someone's arm. It was more important that you were documenting that day on the beach because, you know, the local member ended up becoming prime minister and he never mentioned it once.
So that's a part of the job. It feels like, as you said, you and your colleagues are asking yourselves that every day. In that moment with the camera, obviously you would stand out from the crowd as someone who's being there with the camera, trying to document that. How often do people react to that? Or do people, you obviously stand out, do people go for you or do they ever, how do they react to a guy with a camera being around them, taking pictures and documenting what's going on? Really depends on the moment, like how much that situation has developed, how long it's been going on for, what impact the media is having on it. So you had, for instance, that day, the media wasn't really getting targeted at all because I feel like the people there felt like they were on the right side of history. They were justified. Exactly, exactly. However, the days that followed when the pictures were appearing on the front page of the paper and the cops were going after them and in some cases, subpoena, help me out.
Sapiena ring? Yeah. I feel like it's subpoena. Sapiena ring.
Hyphening. Photographer's photos, which I thought was stepping over the line because it makes us kind of partial in a way or makes for the potential for us to be incriminating people, which, you know, I mean, in a sense, we are if those pictures are being published, but I think if the cops are taking it one step further and go through our evidence. Yeah, that's tricky.
But again, it's really dependent on the circumstances like in, and that's what, again, just to compare it to Kabul last year when the Taliban were coming in, we had no idea how we were gonna be received by the Taliban. There was a real shift in the dynamics on the ground and the mood as far as how Westerners were perceived at that time. And on the day that the Taliban came in, for the first time, I felt a real hostility from people, people that were angry, like who were, felt they were being abandoned and me and the other photographer I was roaming around with, we felt like really vulnerable. It's like, we are the only foreigners around. If someone wants to take out their anger on a foreigner, like we're it, you know, whether we agree with what's going on or not. So it really, I don't know, you gotta kind of keep your finger on the pulse and, you know, be ready to bolt if you need to, especially when, you know, first confronted with Taliban in Kabul, like they hadn't been given orders, like what to do with foreigners if we come across them. 24 hours, if it had happened 24 hours ago, we would have been locked up and thrown in a cave. And I don't know, I don't know what would happen, so. So you're saying it doesn't really matter like nine years developing a rapport with this city, that shift, it's a different city.
Yeah, all bets are off on that day. It really shifted and everyone's, you know, everyone goes into survival mode and people's allegiances shift. One day they might have, you know, decal on the back windscreen of their car of a pro Republican soldier that was killed. And then the next day they're, you know, ripping it off and putting a Taliban flag up the back just as a means of survival.
Yeah, the means of survival is something I kind of want to touch on too, because it was so hard for, you know, and people like you help explain this to the rest of the world, but it's so hard to understand Afghanistan when you look at, you know, history, thousands of years back. Did you feel like there was an element of is it for survival, swapping sides, or was there like a latent support of a regime or an idea of a regime? Did you feel like in your time there, in nine years, what was the general mood? The people in Kabul, what were they feeling? What did you feel they wanted for their country? And was that kind of what they've got or is that a means of survival that they've swapped to this? Yeah, very, very good question.
And as always, I mean, to start any sentence with all Afghans or all Afghans in Kabul, it doesn't, whatever comes next will be false. So, you know, there's a spectrum and, you know, to generalize, you've got more conservative Afghans living in rural areas that haven't had the access to education and so on for forever and who have always lived this very tribal religious life. To those in Kabul, who particularly over the last 20 years, as well as during the 80s, when the Soviets were there and, you know, we hear this, when we think about the Soviet invasion in the 80s, it's always, for us anyway, cast in the light of the Cold War, the Soviets had invaded and they were the enemy and the Americans assisted the rebels in defeating them. However, they were more or less doing exactly the same thing as the Americans went in. They propped up the Afghan government, they bought in education and health and built roads and hospitals and apartment complexes and so the two areas were kind of similar in that way and in Kabul, in that era, in the last 20 years, you had a lot of people benefiting from education and prosperity, maybe less prosperity in the communist era but, you know, a lot of the economy thrived and the, you know, employment skyrocketed and maternal mortality went down. That was mostly in the big cities where those benefits were reaped and so it was mostly in the big cities and especially Kabul where people stood to lose a lot. So, like there's no way to typecast all Afghans but, you know, they all fall somewhere on that spectrum and yes, so some would have been happy with the return of the Taliban. For one, it meant the end of the war. So, especially for Afghans living in rural areas where, who had suffered the most during the war. Those in Kabul, however, who had reaped the rewards while the violence ended for the most part.
It, you know, it meant that business and prosperity just fell off a cliff overnight, school shut down, high school girls are not going to school anymore. All the investment in the country is gone and just the general hope for the future has disappeared. So, everyone's falling somewhere on that spectrum.
I mean, you've gotten to know Afghanistan, Kabul quite well but as we've just kind of, you've just kind of explained that could change tomorrow, what you knew and it did change in one day, a year ago. When did you make that move? When did you decide, had you done much other kind of international stuff or, you know, foreign kind of photojournalism? Did you get a taste of something similar to Afghanistan before you launched in there or was it, you know, Cronulla Wright's localised Sydney kind of photography into the war? Where did you find yourself in between, you know, Cronulla and the fall in Kabul? Between those years, I was, I kept working at Fairfax at the Financial Review and then I spent a couple of years or a year working overseas and that's where I sort of started to get an idea that I could take my work outside of Fairfax, not necessarily outside of Australia but start working for international publications. So, I went freelance and started working for papers in the US and then I had this harebrained idea that, oh, these are the outlets I wanna work for so I should go and live where their offices are in New York, you know, with a million other photographers and now I'm at the bottom of the pile and scrapping for whatever work I can get. And it wasn't until a friend back in Sydney told me she was going to Afghanistan, she wanted to photograph, she wanted to write a story about the Afghan cricket team. She asked me if I knew any photographers she could work with over there and I just sort of, without thinking about it, said, oh, I'll come with you. Really? So, we first flew to Lebanon, we sort of tried to make a couple of stories there and that was my first taste of a conflict zone. I mean, it wasn't, there was violence there and it was tense and there was sort of military on the streets up in the North. There was a bit of tension overflowing from Syria up in the North. So, that was the first taste I got of it and from there we went to Afghanistan and spent most of our time in Kabul but I had this renewed passion for photography and even a greater passion for photography than I'd found before. I finally found, like that day at the riots, I felt like I was in the right place. I had a use for my photography and so that was kind of it, yeah. I wanna ask about what drew you to stay in Kabul for so long but I also wanted to know, and times are changing quickly, even from nine or 10 years ago, the commercial realities of covering stories like this and news organizations and people's attention for these kinds of stories to stay in and stay locked in. What was it like in terms of that first trip to say Lebanon and then to Kabul? Were you doing that on a freelance basis or were you doing it for an agency or a newspaper and they were providing you to go for a couple of months to get where you can, come up with some stories, come up with some content?
How did it work in that sense? It was very much on spec, which is the term we use to means basically self-funding it. We paid for our tickets, paid for fixes and interpreters and accommodation and things in the hope that we would get a story published. We would never have made back the money we invested in that trip though.
So it's kind of something you probably need to do if you wanna break into a new region or a new area of any industry, I guess. New discipline. Yeah. So yeah, for those first few months, it was, I was basically, I was reaching out to editors that I already knew in Australia, in the US and telling them, hey, I'm here now.
A lot of them already had their go-to photographers to work with, but slowly over time, maybe one of those photographers wasn't available and they call me in an emergency say, can you do this work and work for them and your name's published and slowly, slowly, it was actually, Instagram played a big part in enabling me to put my name out there, put my pictures out there and make it known that I was there and was based there. I ended up on a couple of lists of photojournalists to follow and- So early days of that stuff too, right? 171K followers, I think, on Instagram. If you wanna get out there and go and follow Andrew. Not typical Instagram content that some people might associate with the platform. I was riding skinny T earlier, he's a real influencer.
A lot of teeth whitening stuff.
What drew you then to stay when you got there after that couple of months and you started getting established? What was it that made you go, this is where I wanna be? You were talking about, you felt like there was that place. Did you fall in love with Afghanistan? Did that ever happen?
Yeah, yeah, very much so. I mean, it's a bit of an abusive relationship and here I am now kind of going cold turkey from it. But yeah, no, I definitely fell in love with it and not just the country itself and the work I was doing there, but also the community that I made. And there's a good, I mean, there's a group of people that were all, regardless of their age, at similar points in their life to me at the time, I guess, people that didn't have responsibilities or kids or partners or whatnot. And so we had that sort of collegial like-mindedness and- Yeah, a bit of camaraderie.
The London push, the Kabul push, there were different work as well. Like what kind of aid workers or not all just media? No, not all just media at all.
And by 2013, 14, when I arrived, it had shrunk a lot. I mean, I don't know if anyone's seen that movie, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I think that was that following a journalist in Kabul at the height of the war there, I think in 2010 or something. And from friends who were there at the time, they kind of describe it as actually being pretty accurate. By the time I was there, the international military presence had shrunk by about 90%. And so too had the media presence and the development and aid presence. So it had shrunk, but it was, I guess it was like a core group of people.
And yeah, as you say, aid workers and human rights lawyers and what do they say? Misfits, mercenaries, and one other thing. Can't remember what I fit into.
Media. Yeah.
I mean, there's obviously the danger you'd put yourself in out in the field and that will not put yourself in, but find yourself in, surrounded by conflict. I kind of want to talk though a little bit about, there's always gotta be a neutrality. There's always gotta be a normal that you find yourself, that you forge, even in a city like that. You still have to have a bit of fun. Well, there's that, of course. And I'm sure the dinner parties with the mercenaries and misfits were a great time.
But when you kind of look at, someone goes to America, right? Someone goes to New York, like you did as a young man, and you find out they haven't got health insurance or travel insurance. And you go, what are you doing, mate? You know what you're putting yourself? Did you have to pray that you didn't get a random lump on your arm? There's an element of that too, because you actually don't have the same, you're completely removed from what we know as a standard of healthcare, of services, of that kind of, were you living in a flat? What is life like for a local, albeit expat, but a local in Kabul? Yeah, you're right.
And particularly as a freelancer, it's that calculus of, do I wanna bet against myself and insure myself for kidnapping ransom? For a freelancer, it's completely unaffordable. So, I mean, as far as insurance goes, if I knew I was going on a particularly dangerous area or on a particularly dangerous assignment, I would buy insurance for like a couple of days. But when I was in Kabul, no, it would just, like anywhere, the most dangerous thing to do in Kabul was probably ride a motorcycle around as I did, getting caught up in a traffic accident. The likelihood of getting blown up is small, even though my clients sort of tend to run towards them than away for them.
Life in general, I mean, it was good. I mean, it was affordable. It was a place where there wasn't really anything to spend your money on. So you could actually save money there. The lifestyle in between, it wasn't, I mean, I didn't really feel like I was sacrificing anything.
We could afford to live in nice old, very simple houses, but with big, beautiful gardens, lots of grass, rose gardens and veggie patches and so on. And it was very social. We'd have like brunches on Fridays, lunches the weekend there, and we built a pizza oven in the backyard. We built a hot tub and- You're living with a few others. Living with a few others, yeah.
Sort of a rotating group of journalists and aid workers and so on. And life was kind of good and exciting. And when stuff happened, when there was fighting in the city or when an explosion happened, it would bring people close together. And you'd have these, some of my fondest memories are coming together with close friends after a night of covering some explosion or a burial followed one, and everyone's pretty shaken up and wondering where everyone is, is everyone okay? And you come together and, you know, you share these very intense experiences that are, I suppose I can only equate to those that soldiers talk about and which they can only relate to with one another once they come home.
I mean, there's that too, you know. You look to anyone who's kind of found themselves in work in a country so different to what we know. How do you go? You mentioned cold turkey before, and I don't want to talk too much about, you know, the similarities between soldiers coming home and someone who's been on the ground working as a photojournalist coming home. I'm sure there's a whole range of hurdles, but just in terms of that, slipping back into a world where you press a button and wait until the street tells you when to cross, which you're now becoming familiar with again.
You don't have to press a button anymore. I've recently learned that's all automated. Yeah, the COVID automation.
That's freaking me out. Are you constantly grappling with this idea of organized chaos versus, you know, unbridled rules of living in Sydney? Yeah, I lost, I think, 10 points on my license in the first month of being back. Of course. Yeah, that was a quick learning curve. It's tricky. I mean, I've never had that sort of culture shock that I've heard other friends talk about where they walk into Woolies and see like 50 different types of hand soap and have a meltdown. I've never had that happen. And you know, it's funny. You very quickly fall back into the, you know, the quote unquote first world problems that on short trips you come back and notice, you know, amongst your friends and family and you kind of like, you know, get a bit of perspective, people, you know. But yeah, it's very strange how quickly even I fall back into that.
But having said that, yeah, it's very, I mean, for me, the bigger challenge has been or will be and is finding the purpose that I had over there, which is, you know, pretty hard to replicate here. You know, fortunately for us living here. Yeah, it's an interesting one too, because you've also come back to a news landscape that, you know, can't really provide like they did, you know, when you were at Fairfax and when they would have, there'd be things for you to do and there'd be consistent work. So this book, was this a result of that or you always had this in your mind? No, it definitely wasn't a result of that. But I mean, that was quite. A vacuum of everyday work, you know.
Yeah, I mean, it was almost the opposite actually in Afghanistan, because there were so few people there to fill the roles of journalists and photographers and videographers. There were times when I as a photographer would have photos that required words to go with them and there was no one else to do it. So I sort of stepped in and I was like, I don't know, I'll give this a go. As a lot of journalists do these days, you know, journalists are taking photos on their phones and being asked to do video and podcasts and everything, you know. So I started sort of balancing, finding a balance between photography and writing and about 18 months ago or a year before the fall of Kabul, Melbourne Uni Press got in touch with me and were interested in trying to find an idea for a book and we're going back and forth for several months and then once the writing appeared on the wall that the Taliban were coming back, it became very obvious to us all that this was the subject to write on and then it became about making sure I was there.
Yeah, oh, so the book came first, it wasn't a come back perched up in Sydney and go, you know what, I should put that into a book. It was pre. It was pre, yeah. Yeah, so I spent a couple of months after the full reporting specifically for the book.
A lot of people might look at it and go, the logical decision was to get out of Kabul as quickly as possible but I think from talking to you, it sounds like it might've been a very difficult decision to leave Kabul in the end. Was that the case when you had to pack up and go? Was it a really tough decision to make? Yeah, very much so. It was home and it just got to a point where I realised that the people that had made it home had all gone and the city felt very different all of a sudden. And so, yeah, I was very torn. I mean, I also knew that it was time for me to go regardless of what was happening there, regardless of, I mean, there'd be tonnes of work to do there at the moment that I could be doing but it was just, it got to a point, certainly last year drilled at home that, yeah, I needed some time out and yeah, like I said, that abusive relationship got to the point where it had to be, I had to sort of cut it off. Yeah.
Could you ever see yourself, do you look around the world and see countries and you start thinking, or not to countries, but places where you think, that could be another Afghanistan for me? Or are you cut off from that kind of line of, you're removing yourself from that kind of work for a little while too? For the time being, I'm removing myself. I certainly wonder whether I could find another Afghanistan and a lot of my colleagues have come and gone from Kabul before I did, have tried and failed to sort of, to find a replacement for Kabul. It did have a strange equilibrium where you're able to sort of live a semi-normal life while being in the middle of this conflict that will be remembered like Vietnam or the wars before and after it. But a lot of people have assumed that I would instinctively go to Ukraine, for example, but it's not like that at all. Like I didn't consider myself a, I don't consider myself a war photographer. I think I was in Afghanistan photographing a place that was in conflict, but it wasn't, I mean, it was, the conflict was there, but it wasn't necessarily the reason I was there. And are there people that would be in Afghanistan now?
Have you met the guys, like people, men and women along the way who do bounce between these places or are you more the archetype? No, there are different kind of molds for freelance journalists and staff journalists and photographers. You even have the ones that have a base and then they hop between Ukraine, Iraq, Afghanistan, South America, Africa, yeah, yeah. Like parachute journalists as we call them. And then you have the ones that sort of base themselves in a place, like try and learn the language a bit, get a real in-depth understanding of it.
Yeah, I can't quite work out where I wanna be now. And I may not even, I might try and look to find something entirely different altogether.
Big wave surfing. Well, you're living in Maroubra now. You could get some work laying carpet down there with the bra boys. Plenty of plenty of work going on that way.
But yes, this book is amazing. For those listening and at home in the tractor or in the back of the high ice, you should get yourself a copy, August in Kabul by Andrew Quilty. Thank you for joining us. Thank you guys.
You mentioned cold Turkey before. And I don't wanna talk too much about the similarities between soldiers coming home and someone who's been on the ground working as a photojournalist coming home. I'm sure there's a whole range of hurdles, but just in terms of that, slipping back into a world where you press a button and wait until the street tells you when to cross, which you're now becoming familiar with again.
You don't have to press a button anymore. I've recently learned that's all automated. Yeah, the COVID automation.
That's freaking me out. Are you constantly grappling with this idea of organized chaos versus unbridled rules of living in Sydney? Yeah, I lost, I think 10 points on my license in the first month of being back. So yeah, that was a quick learning curve. It's tricky. I mean, I've never had that sort of culture shock that I've heard other friends talk about where they walk into Woolies and see like 50 different types of hand soap and have a meltdown. I've never had that happen. And it's funny, you very quickly fall back into the, you know, the quote unquote first world problems that on short trips you come back and notice amongst your friends and family and you kind of like, you know, get a bit of perspective people, you know, but yeah, it's very strange how quickly even I fall back into that.
But having said that, yeah, it's very, I mean, for me, the bigger challenge has been or will be and is finding the purpose that I had over there, which is, you know, pretty hard to replicate here. You know, fortunately for us living here. Yeah, it's an interesting one too, because you've also come back to a news landscape that, you know, can't really provide like they did, you know, when you were at Fairfax and when they would have, there'd be things for you to do and there'd be consistent work. So this book, is that, was this a result of that or you always had this in your mind? No, it definitely wasn't a result of that, but I mean, that was quite. A vacuum of everyday work, you know.
Yeah, I mean, it was almost the opposite actually in Afghanistan because there were so few people there to fill the roles of journalists and photographers and videographers. There were times when I as a photographer would have photos that required words to go with them and there was no one else to do it. So I sort of stepped in and I was like, well, I don't know, I'll give this a go. As a lot of journalists do these days, you know, journalists are taking photos on their phones and being asked to do video and podcasts and everything, you know. So I started sort of balancing, finding a balance between photography and writing and about 18 months ago, or a year before the fall of Kabul, Melbourne Uni Press got in touch with me and were interested in trying to find an idea for a book and we're going back and forth for several months and then once the writing appeared on the wall that the Taliban were coming back, it became very obvious to us all that this was the subject to write on and then it became about making sure I was there.
Yeah, oh, so the book came first, it wasn't a come back perched up in Sydney and go, you know what, I should put that into a book. It was pre. It was pre, yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, so I spent a couple of months after the fall reporting specifically for the book.
A lot of people might look at it and go, the logical decision was to get out of Kabul as quickly as possible. But I think from talking to you, it sounds like it might've been a very difficult decision to leave Kabul in the end. Was that the case when you had to pack up and go, was it a really tough decision to make? Yeah, very much so, it was home. And it just got to a point where I realised that the people that had made it home had all gone and the city felt very different all of a sudden. And so, yeah, I was very torn. I mean, I also knew that it was time for me to go regardless of what was happening there, regardless of, I mean, there'd be tonnes of work to do there at the moment that I could be doing, but it was just, it got to a point, certainly last year drilled at home that, yeah, I needed some time out. And yeah, like I said, that abusive relationship got to the point where it had to be, I had to sort of cut it off.
Yeah.
Could you ever see yourself, do you look around the world and see countries and you start thinking, or not to countries, but places where you think, that could be another Afghanistan for me? Or are you cut off from that kind of line of, you're removing yourself from that kind of work for a little while too? For the time being, I'm removing myself. I certainly wonder whether I could find another Afghanistan and a lot of my colleagues have come and gone from Kabul before I did, have tried and failed to sort of, to find a replacement for Kabul. It did have a strange equilibrium where you're able to sort of live a semi normal life while being in the middle of this conflict that will be remembered like Vietnam or the wars before and after it. But a lot of people have assumed that I would instinctively go to Ukraine, for example, but it's not like that at all. Like I didn't consider myself a, I don't consider myself a war photographer. I think I was in Afghanistan, photographing a place that was in conflict, but it wasn't, I mean, it was, the conflict was there, but it wasn't necessarily the reason I was there. And are there people that would be in Afghanistan now?
Have you met the guys like people, men and women along the way who do bounce between these places or are you more the archetype? No, there are different kinds of molds for freelance journalists and staff journalists and photographers. You even have the ones that have a base and then they hop between, Ukraine, Iraq, Afghanistan, South America, Africa. Yeah, yeah, like parachute journalists as we call them. And then you have the ones that sort of base themselves in a place, like try and learn the language a bit, get a real in-depth understanding of it.
Yeah, I can't quite work out where I wanna be now. And I may not even, I might look to find something entirely different altogether.
Big wave surfing. Well, you're living in Maroubra now. You can get some work laying carpet down there with the bra boys. There's plenty of work going on that way. But yes, this book is amazing for those listening at home in the tractor or in the back of the high ice. You should get yourself a copy, August in Kabul by Andrew Quilty.
Thank you for joining us. Thank you guys. Thank you. |
TheOnion | Al_Qaeda_Attacks_Internet_With_Photo_Of_Adorable_Piglet | This is the Onion News Network telling you what we want you to know Tonight of course we're focused on the devastating cyber attack by al-qaeda Which sent this image of a piglet wearing boots to the American public a few hours ago Effectively crippling our servers as millions of people forwarded the photo to friends Posted the image on their Facebook walls or added it to their Twitter pages Causing millions more to respond with comments like I want one or omfg cute Police in hundreds of cities are struggling to maintain order in the midst of internet outages that are disabling traffic signals ATMs Hospital databases and hundreds of other services joining me now to help walk us through this is general Theodore Cottie from the Pentagon and Todd Grant from the White House gentlemen.
Thanks for taking the time to speak with us.
Mr. Grant Did the administration have any advance warning on this any chatter? Unfortunately not Brooke I was first alerted to the cyber attack at 451 p.m Today when a member of the National Security Council ran into my office with his laptop saying oh my god You have to look at this.
It is so adorable now general Cottie How was al-qaeda able to pull off an attack of this magnitude? Well, our intelligence suggests their initial strike targeted a weak point in America's cyber defenses 45 year old stay-at-home mom Mary Ann Halberstorf of Jacksonville, Florida Who's been known to forward up to 12 chain emails and make over 40 Facebook posts about Farmville every day So the perfect target right within minutes of receiving the boot wearing piglet from al-qaeda She had sent it to more than 2,000 people including her tropical fish-themed yahoo group and everyone She was on the PTA with six years ago. Yes Thank God the piglet was not wearing a little hat or the damage could be far worse And how is President Obama responding to this attack? Well as a defensive maneuver He ordered the Pentagon to create a script that automatically loaded a photo of a nude elderly woman whenever the piglet photo was clicked on Unfortunately many citizens found it funny to send that to their friends as a prank When we pulled it down the nude elderly woman image was spreading seven times faster than the piglet All right now al-qaeda claimed credit for the attack a few hours ago in a video released to Al Jazeera Let's take a look at that And general Cottie do we know what kind of attack was being alluded to in that video?
Well recent satellite photos of al-qaeda camps show that they've been stockpiling kittens babies Star Wars costumes even pandas They could already possess the capability to construct a video so viral it could cripple the nation permanently terrifying mr. Grant general Cottie Thank you both for speaking with us Posted the image on their Facebook walls or added it to their Twitter pages Causing millions more to respond with comments like I want one or omfg cute Police in hundreds of cities are struggling to maintain order in the midst of internet outages that are disabling traffic signals ATMs Hospital databases and hundreds of other services joining me now to help walk us through this is general Theodore Cottie from the Pentagon and Todd grant from the White House gentlemen.
Thanks for taking the time to speak with us.
Mr Grant did the administration have any advance warning on this any chatter? Unfortunately not Brooke I was first alerted to the cyber attack at 451 p.m Today when a member of the National Security Council ran into my office with his laptop saying oh my god You have to look at this.
It is so adorable now general Cottie How was al-qaeda able to pull off an attack of this magnitude? Well, our intelligence suggests their initial strike targeted a weak point in America's cyber defenses 45-year-old stay-at-home mom Marianne Halberstorf of Jacksonville, Florida Who's been known to forward up to 12 chain emails and make over 40 Facebook posts about Farmville every day So the perfect target right within minutes of receiving the boot wearing piglet from al-qaeda She had sent it to more than 2,000 people including her tropical fish themed Yahoo group and everyone She was on the PTA with six years ago. Yes Thank God the piglet was not wearing a little hat or the damage could be far worse And how is President Obama responding to this attack? Well as a defensive maneuver He ordered the Pentagon to create a script that automatically loaded a photo of a nude elderly woman whenever the piglet photo was clicked on Unfortunately many citizens found it funny to send that to their friends as a prank When we pulled it down the nude elderly woman image was spreading seven times faster than the piglet All right now al-qaeda claimed credit for the attack a few hours ago in a video released al-jazeera.
Let's take a look at that And general kadi do we know what kind of attack was being alluded to in that video? Well recent satellite photos of al-qaeda camps show that they've been stockpiling kittens babies Star War costumes even pandas They could already possess the capability to construct a video so viral it could cripple the nation permanently terrifying.
Mr. Grant general kadi Thank you both for speaking with us |
cracked | marvel_s_spider_man_homecoming_looks_cool_but_ | Guys there's a new spider-man trailer out for the new spider-man movie. Yeah, that's coming out this summer It's been two years at least since I've seen a spider Show him changing into the costume and they've added this suction thing.
She's awesome. What's up guys?
So to become an Avenger are there like trials or an interview do me I know you have strong feelings in this I have my immediate thing is Robert Downey jr. Is getting to be a little distracting for me and in all of these movies cuz like Civil War was an Iron Man movie I mean it was an Avengers movie but it was really heavy on the Iron Man stuff and Robert I jr. Is so good as this character that just like It's hard for it not to dominate and every scene he's in it's just like immediately. You're just like, okay Well, he's nobody else matters. This is the first time Sony gets Robert Downey jr. So I feel like they're super excited. They're gonna have it no matter what and Marvel's sort of hanging back like all right Yeah, sure.
Take a move. What are you doing? Also being really bad about not letting anyone know your spider-man You're crawling on the ceiling with your mask off Can you summon an army of spiders? Oh, yeah. No, do you know him too? I'm confused why Captain America is still a fitness challenge if he's an enemy of the state now. Can I try the suit on?
It's got a funny friend The world's changing boys time. We change too.
I mean I'm excited because it looks like a spider-man movies. Yes. It looks fun Part of Vulture's master plan is to just detonate a deli I'm gonna take out everyone you love Your League of weapons Barry was a 230 he's stopping that notorious fairy crime This um web bomb looks so incredibly painful. Yeah, like that guy is dead. Yes, 10,000 percent This is a Bit from spider-man 2 where he has to use his webs to stop a train boat now It's a boat and also Iron Man helps him with like a thousand level robots What if somebody died I was just trying to be like you Iron Man's mad at him better I'm gonna need the suit back, but I'm nothing without this suit If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it and I was taking his costume away I don't understand Tony's doing the if you're nothing without the suit Then you shouldn't have the suit. Isn't he like an Iron Man, right? That's all he is and he's the only hero who is actually nothing without the suit Like the entire third Iron Man movie was about how difficult his life is when he's not in the suit Yeah, I personally if I had an awesome robot suit would never leave it. Yeah, I screwed up You need to stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders historically hot as shit Aunt May. Yeah I've been waiting for them to do that right ever since the beginning being a spider-man fan for as long as I have It's just it's it does something my brain when I when I see this train. I'm like, ah, uh myself hot Yeah, it's not because normally she's a thousand understand I'll do anything to protect my family Is a bokeh is him and Joakim shocker, I think so that's pretty cool. Yeah, that's a cool way. I don't know that was coming Because I will kill you and everybody you love a brief second of I guess the love interest I guess that's a spider tracer that like flew off and that's like a cool way to do it a guy is still out there I just got to do this on my Peter Parker is talking to his buddy And it's like I have to do this on my own. But he's like Yeah, I know.
I wasn't gonna I wasn't gonna do shit. I was gonna help you fight with flying Michael Keaton.
Yeah It's a cool thing to do with a spider powers to steer the plane using The web, you know, yeah my issue with the trailer is basically that it shows I'm pretty sure it shows the entire film from start to finish the Washington DC thing starts first He's probably on a school trip or something. He saves the elevator from falling the cops see him So he's declared a menace Robert Downey Jr. Gives him warnings Like I used to stick to the little stuff stop showing up in the news And then of course he does the boat thing Iron Man shows up saves it at the last minute takes away his suit Vulture kidnaps on May or blow something up and he has to face Vulture and his his little makeshift suit They fly on the plane the plane crashes and they face off and then the movie ends I mean when you describe it, it sounds very boring just in your very deliberate driveway speaking Yeah, I mean I'm looking at a really cool spider-man movie I hope there's like a subplot of him keeping like can you just stop hanging out without me? Yeah every day Yeah, it's a it's really freaking me out guys are ruining a perfectly good spider-man movie. I'm enhancing it I'm trying to I'm enjoying it movie about Charming young teenager and and the struggles of having a super hot ant that is like right down Artie J is over every day You got you got that on one and then the other year to fly in Michael Keaton So I think it goes without saying that I'm gonna see this movie as soon as possible as soon as I can Yeah, it looks super good Hey guys Saturday April 8th We're doing a live after hours Katie Willard Daniel O'Brien Soren Bowie and I will be coming up with movie ideas too awesome to get made tickets are $7 There's probably more information somewhere on your screen and a place to click and buy them.
So do that |
cracked | why_everyone_s_favorite_video_game_is_idiotic_escort_mission | 39 I know you don't have to count for me It's just happened so many times that they might start blurring together for you. I'll blur your face. I Will take a photo of you and import it into photo shit. Fuck you Sorry, I just really don't need you trolling me right now.
Okay, the game is doing that plenty especially this giant bridge guarding creature 40 look if I have to watch you play. Can you at least pick a game? You're good at or has a story I can follow like what about that one where you run around a rooftops, you know, it's stabbing people No, the one that isn't a Tim Burton film with all the whimsy surgically removed, you know It's in history and you're like a ninja Assassin's Creed. No, it's called a history ninjas. Okay, it's not You're thinking of Assassin's Creed, which by the way is one of the biggest franchises in gaming All right, and I like some point-and-tap game on your lipad. Is it the same as all these Assassin's Creed's of iPad?
Technically it is but god damn it. Shut up. You're gonna make me die.
Ah Right fine 41, you know what I'm gonna change the game but fair warning Assassin's Creed has one of the worst stories in gaming really Isn't the premise you're a covert killer in ancient time on one level? Yes, but on another level It's a global conspiracy tale and you're a member of a secret history altering clan called the Assassins who Spar endlessly with another secret clan called the Templars for control of humanity's destiny Oh that level sounds cool to load that one up I mean level is like I mean the story has a lot of layers Too many and you want your game about ninjas to avoid complexity and political entry when the writers can't handle it And it makes the story a convoluted mess. Yes. Okay, so every Assassin's Creed takes place in a different time, right? First one was the Crusades. The second one was during the Italian Renaissance There's one in Constantinople and there's one during the American Revolution in the next to most recent game. You're a pirate of the Caribbean Ah, gotcha. I got too silly with the part. No, actually that vastly improved the franchise Kind of revitalized it for me Oh Bummer, but the problem is that each game is slowly Unraveling the supposed mystery of humanity's origins and there's always a part Where you have to play as some hoodie wearing dudes from the near future and is actually observing slash controlling your ninja character the hoodie guy can't actually do any cool ninja fighting just Parkours away from cops with guns till he gets back to the animals. Okay, so it's a game within a game Yeah, not even a real in the game and you have to time travel to play as your ninja So your time traveling ninjas? No, that would be sweet. No, you don't actually time travel Okay, it's just a computer generated simulation within the game based on decoded information in your ancestors DNA okay, so Your present-day character is always related by blood your assassin character And you use a machine called the animus to sort of play as your ancestor Think of it like the dino DNA process from Jurassic Park except instead of actually cloning dinosaurs You just get to play a realistic video game of their lives a really accurate Jurassic Park video I'm telling you that it's not as awesome as I keep accidentally making a sound the global conspiracy thing is bullshit Okay about some precursor race. Okay, it's like these godlike Aliens created and enslaved humanity and the assassins and templars both know about it And they're trying to uncover artifacts to find out the whole story. So stargate cross with the DaVinci code Goddamn it sort of and that would be sweet But it's not because those things end and this franchise never does. Okay, they made eight games already There's gonna be another one this year and presumably more the next so every year they have to string this precursor subplot along Promising that one day some super evil creator Alien being is gonna return and enslave humanity and some present-day assassin character is gonna have to stop it But that game is never gonna come out Because if they make that game then they can't make any more Assassin's Creed games So the franchise sucks because it won't end Yes And I have to keep spending 60 bucks a year Just to get a little more information about the origin of the human race And the aliens that exploit our souls in this admittedly otherwise awesome sounding series Huh?
So it's like Scientology Damn it How's your feet in camp bro? High or low whatever's the best Travolta's high cruises low. I'm putting blood-borne back on put on um days of thunder Hey guys, thanks for watching Uh, but seriously if anybody knows how to beat the second level of blood-borne if you guys just type out the walkthrough and help Michael out Cause he won't stop fucking playing He just keeps dying |
dropout | collegehumor_the_website_the_book | Well, hello there folks. My name's Streeter Seidel, the friendly one. And I'm Sarah Schneider, and that's not what they call you. You stuck your bitch's mouth!
Now we are so excited to tell you about this brand new product we have today. It's called College Humor, the website, the book. And it's available for pre-order on Amazon.com right now.
Now, come in, come in and get a shot of this. Come in and get a shot of this. Look at this. Would you look at that? But Streeter, I have a question. What is this?
How do I use it? Where's the power button? That's actually the interesting thing. There is no power button. It won't turn on. To use it, you simply open it up.
Sarah! That's too much. Yeah, just like that. That's clever, huh?
Now, Streeter, what's in here? What am I looking at?
Well, it's just a collection of the staff's favorite articles from the past 10 years. And it's really got it all. Lovingly re-illustrated and copy-edited. And, get a load of this, printed on paper. On paper, not on a computer screen.
And you can really feel the weight. I want to feel the weight. Look at that. Sure, there you go. That is rather much heavier than pixels, I will say. But not cumbersome. In fact, I can see it taking this with me to the beach. Or maybe to the toilet for a steamy dump.
Yes, exactly, exactly. I love it. But why should I buy it? Well, well, well, well, it's got everything you want in a book. Page numbers, pictures, words.
And this is very impressive. Actually, take a look at this. Get a shot at this.
An official ISBN number. Yeah, meaning it's going to be in the Library of Congress. Now, don't you at home and you want to own a piece of the American literary canon?
I know I do. I'm guilty. She knows. If I have this book, I'll feel like Nick Cage in National Treasure. Ooh, that's why we wrote it. That's exactly why.
Now, there are only a few dozen thousand of these. So, make sure you get yours today. Go to CollegeHumor.com slash book to order yours. Yeah, that's a good one. Now, next up, we have a new home accessory that everyone is talking about. Ooh, I can't wait.
It's called a dog. A dog! A dog. Aren't these just domesticated wolves?
Yes, I know. I am so allergic. Yeah, me too. I'm going to go.
He is heavy. He's very sick, this one. Very, very sick. |
dropout | what_siri_would_be_like_in_space | Computer, set a course for the Dread Cruiser Computer, set a course I'm sorry, I didn't catch that No, there's no time How long would you like to set timer? No! Timer set for, no, seconds Computer, set Your timer for, no, seconds is up Computer, stop I'm cancelling all functions No, no, no, wait Computer, turn on Good morning, Vin Computer, set a course for the Dread Cruiser How can I help you today, Vin? What? Computer, set a course for the Dread Cruiser I'm sorry, I didn't catch that Computer, set a course for the Dread Cruiser Set a course for the Dread Cruiser, set a course for the Dread Cruiser I didn't catch that Computer, set a course for the Dread Cruiser You don't seem to be connected to the internet How did they not fix that yet?
Where is Maura?
Fuck, I'm stuck with trashy Two best friends, at it again I should have never left my post That's where all this went wrong You break one rule and suddenly your whole life falls apart If you are trying to get back to the Dread Cruiser, I can get us there What? How? I have complete charts of the entire galaxy and fully functional offline navigational software But why would the bot lab give nav software to a trash bot? Come on, man Unless... They're idiots! No, I am not the trash bot, I am a pilot Shut the fuck up, trashy, there's no time to waste Set a course for the Dread Cruiser Now subscribing to Dropout No, I said set a course for the Dread Cruiser Now enjoying the rest of this episode, the rest of Troopers, and lots more cool stuff Computer! Go to dropout.tv to learn more Alright Here's the news Rip this fucking lid off Another kill for the unbeatable Fusbo Baggins |
cracked | why_being_a_superhero_is_nothing_like_you_think_action_team | Blast man, I got your message. What's happening? Suit up. We got a situation.
I'm already... I'm very clearly suited up. I'm never not suited up in this building.
Kick the tires and light the other tires. I'm sure you think that sounded... Bag them and tag them. What did you call me here for?
God, there's a supervillain at large at the local hospital and all of the major superheroes are stuck in space or f***ing whatever. So it's up to us. A supervillain? An actual super supervillain?
That's amazing. I know. We usually only get to deal with trained derailments and like natural stuff. Get to. But now we are part of the big show.
Who is it?
Uh, maybe I'll use my super speed, run around them and cause a tornado and catch them. Yeah, yeah. And I'll blast them with my blast powers. Yes. Blast man. Good. Sure. Look, this is our chance to really prove ourselves to the rest of the team. So, okay.
Who is it? Hey. Really?
She's not even wearing armor or anything. Yeah, she's not.
Alright, what's her deal? I don't know. Her file doesn't say if she's single, but I mean she looks down. Like, what are her super powers? Okay, it looks like she's just a general mayhem type of villain.
Some people just want to watch the world burn. Okay. Some people want to turn the world around and bend it over a little. Okay. And maybe try this like one position where the world is upside down, but you know, has to hold that position. It's like standing in a handstand kind of thing, but I'm behind and kind of above and I'm just like delicately dipping. Okay.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're right. We should focus on getting down to the scene and stopping this fiend. Yes.
Even if it means putting our lives in danger. And maybe she ends up strangling me for a while. And in the process, her fingers get in my mouth a little bit. So be it. I don't think it'll come to that. Yeah, it's important to be prepared.
I mean, she could get the drop on us down there. She could show up and like surprise us from behind and then trap our necks with like her thighs, for example, or hot thighs, for example. And then we are like, we're just stuck in like our thighs around our neck and it's just like right here and you know, so be it.
Okay. We're not gonna take this case. Yeah, yeah. Yes, we yes.
We can stop and get condoms and whips on the way. I know a place. No, I'm not worried about condoms. Oh, thank God.
I don't like them either, dude. It feels so good to talk about this openly. I do not like the feeling. I can't get anything out.
I mean, we're not taking the case because you're clearly attracted to our supervillain. No, my eagerness is all about justice and has nothing to do with her mouth. Like the sexy horse thing she's got going on in the way. Her teeth do it thing.
Do you actually know a place that has condoms and whips? Same place, same store? Whips, Gatorade, beef jerky, disposable cameras that can take a hell of a beating. Yeah, pretty much everything you need.
For life? Glad we don't hang out outside work. Yeah, it's probably for the best. |
TheOnion | Hundreds_Killed_In_Brutal_Pro_Something_Anti_Something_Clash | A brutal clash with potentially hundreds dead after riots broke out between pro-something and anti-something groups this week will have more out of the volatile area that conflict is probably taking place in. And later, still think the elderly can't enjoy K-pop?
Well, we've got three different studies that all agree with you. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and if this isn't the news, then I don't know what is. Stay with us. A rash of violence between pro-something and anti-something groups has broken out somewhere over the past few days, and it may be coming to a head to talk about the escalated tension between those two groups. We're joined now by OPR reporter Charles Dearborn. Thanks, Leslie.
This latest round of bloodletting comes after weeks of public demonstrations and counter-demonstrations that were reportedly sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which was completely opposite of the thing the anti-something leaders wanted. Now, broadcasts have shown rallies, riots in the streets, and even some bodies strewn around the Capitol.
That's right. The pro-somethings and anti-somethings leaders have both said they've experienced severe casualties that should make it clear that the side they don't like is the real aggressor and root cause of all the bad things currently going on. I see. I assume these two groups have been fighting each other for an amount of time that's difficult for most people to appropriately appreciate and understand. Yes, this conflict started way back when the person who would go on to create the pro-somethings group did a thing that, while seeming minor to most people, was deeply unsettling and divisive to a person who would go on to create the anti-somethings group. Ever since, both groups have decided they don't like each other. Right.
And is any group showing signs of backing down from the thing they're fighting for? No, especially after both sides released statements today. Here's a translator for the pro-somethings group. We cannot sit idly by while our people are killed by an enemy determined to do a thing we oppose. And the response from the anti-somethings group. We will never stop doing the thing our enemies oppose. While sounds like this, whatever all this is, isn't simply going to blow over, how has the international community responded? Members of the diplomatic community have unilaterally condemned the latest escalation of violence. They've called for both groups to lay down their weapons and resume talks before agreeing they cannot agree, and start killing each other once again at a later date.
And where can people find out more about this complicated issue they will never truly understand? Books, newspaper articles, journals, documentaries, talking to those involved, dedicating the rest of your life to understand the conflict. Really anything that sheds light on the conflict's historical background, and the social, governmental, geopolitical, educational, healthcare, sanitation, economic, gender, flow of legal arms, ethnicity, and religious issues around it. Fascinating.
That's OPR's Charles Dearborn. Thank you, Charles. You're welcome.
Authorities in Seattle have launched a citywide manhunt for what they believe is a dangerous serial killer.
OPR correspondent Remy Berglund joins us from there now. Hello, Remy. Hi, Leslie.
So what has led police to believe they may have a serial killer on their hands? Well, six bodies have been found so far, all mutilated and then discarded in various perplexing ways that have left the community here stunned. It's been the similarities between the victims that's most disturbing. All have been dismembered, their arms and legs wrapped in waxed paper and dumped in parking lots with a bloody butcher's cleaver left at the scene. That's Detective Greg Novak, who's leading the investigation. He says police have no suspects and no motive yet, but one thing they do all agree on, the killer is clearly gunning for the nickname, the parking lot butcher. I mean, grinding up the flesh and stuffing it into casings made from the victim's own intestines.
It's like, come on, we get it. Hmm.
Clearly the psychopath is trying too hard. Yeah, really heavy handed. Police were hoping to catch this monster before he went too over the top.
That was until the sixth victim was discovered this morning. The body was found skewered, grilled and placed next to a side of potato salad. Oh, for God's sakes. Now this sixth victim was actually found in a parking garage nearly four miles away from where the victim was last seen. Initially, police believe this might not have been the work of the same individual. That is, until they found a note at the scene written on what looked to be a butcher's ticket that read, this technically counts as a parking lot. Call me the parking lot butcher. Well, let's hope the police can put an end to these contrived murders soon.
Thank you, Remy. Thank you.
This has been an OPR crime report. And to all the families affected by this error, we sincerely apologize. That was Northwestern Memorial Hospital's Deputy Chief of Medicine, Dr. Jeremy Quinn. This morning, he apologized on behalf of the entire medical team after a couple's newborn baby was accidentally switched with a random man in the hospital's emergency room.
OPR's Marcy Hammond has been following this story. Hello, Marcy. Hi, Leslie. So, Marcy, when exactly did this terrible mistake happen?
Well, that's what makes this so scary. Eighteen years ago, Breanna Welkin left the maternity ward with what she thought was her newborn son, Brian.
Did he look different than his siblings? Yeah, a little. But he had the same dark hair and big goofy smile. But also, he was 5'9", 245.
That same day, James Ringgold left with what he thought was his 63-year-old father, Jeff, who was recovering from a heart attack. Both were wrong. When they looked at Dad's heart, we thought it was a miracle. They told us his heart looked as healthy as a baby's. Turns out, it was a baby's. Wow, as a parent myself, I have to say, this is terrifying. Did either family question the situation? Well, both were suspicious at first, but administrators at Northwestern Hospital repeatedly told the parents a mistake like this was impossible.
According to the Welkins, their new baby cried too much, had difficulty breathing, and was covered in body hair. But when they asked the doctors, The hospital said the body hair was hereditary, and the crying was because he was just colicky. They told me to try breastfeeding. And then there was the Ringolds, who thought their dad was too small, was constantly defecating himself, and couldn't support his own head with his neck. They said he was just getting older and suggested we think about putting him in a home.
I see. So how exactly did they know something was wrong then? Well, both parties eventually accepted the situation. What else could they do? Sure.
Then almost two decades later, right after James Ringold's supposed 81-year-old father Jeff went through puberty, the family decided it was time to take a DNA test. That test, of course, revealing that who they thought was their dad was actually 18-year-old Brian Welkin, and their actual 81-year-old father Jeff was now living with the Welkins and was about to graduate high school.
It's every parent's worst nightmare.
Aside from apologizing, what has Northwestern done to address this? Well, frankly, they haven't done very much. According to the hospital's president, the mistake was made during a, quote, different time. Now, he says, babies are given wristbands that help doctors track them, and patients admitted to the emergency room are given large headbands that indicate they are not a baby. That said, according to the Welkins, there are still mistakes. Yes, the odds of this happening are less than 0.01%, but in 2018, a couple's newborn baby was accidentally swapped with an ambulance, so it's still not perfect.
Well, well, Marcy, I think the only question left to ask is the one that's on everyone's mind. Did the Welkins circumcise an old man with a fully grown penis? They did. Well, I think it's high time the hospital puts that foreskin right back where it belongs, free of charge. Thank you, Marcy. Okay.
Oh, you thought that was all the news for the day? Guess again, muchacho. Here's what else you need to know today.
The Federal Trade Commission is cracking down today, announcing that it will be seeking an injunction that would require Facebook to break up a married couple's weird shared account. The Facebook account in question is that of both Lisa and Greg Ramer of Lincoln, Nebraska. Following an exhaustive five-year investigation into the couple's account, the FTC is alleging the pair had engaged in a systematic effort to creep out friends and family with relentlessly upbeat posts in which they speak as if they were a single entity, and will argue that Facebook should split up the account as soon as possible, in order to prevent the couple from merging it with a separate but equally weird account they have for their dog.
And if you find yourself spending a little too much time on social media, a groundbreaking new study has found that working at work actually improves productivity. The study, conducted by the Department of Labor, found that the physical act of engaging in a productive job-related activity may greatly increase the amount of work accomplished during the workday, especially when compared with the more common practices of wasting time, fucking around, and just not working.
Interesting. May have to give that a shot. And finally, if you're looking to spice up your at-home meals, Instapot has announced that their new popular multi-cooker will now come with a recipe book for easy weeknight IEDs. We've got one at the house and we love it. I whipped up a dirty bomb for the kids this weekend using nothing but some nails and ammonium nitrate and it absolutely blew them away. I might even have to make another one to set off tonight.
And that's it for The Topical today. I'm Leslie Price. Join us tomorrow for a look inside the stigma of breastfeeding. Would people be more accepting if we called it titty juicing? Until then, don't forget to like and subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcasts, just as God intended. See you tomorrow. The news doesn't stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
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