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dropout | Sex_Scary_or_Fun | Hey, and welcome to Tales from the Closet. I am your host, Ally. With me today, I have three people I'm very excited to get to know a little bit more. Honestly, without further ado, let's just jump into it. Huh? Who are you? Jovan. He, him. I am an Instagram influencer, I guess. Wait, you guessed it.
That's all I can call myself now. I don't have anywhere else to go.
Wow. Big on the gram?
Eh, I'm trying to get there. Trying to get there.
Love it. Okay. Hi, I'm Chill. My pronouns are she, her, and they, and I'm an actor. Ooh! Yeah, baby. I'm Casey Jane Ellison. My pronouns are she, her, and I'm an actor. And I'm a comedian. Yeah.
I saw you perform last night, actually. Great set. Thank you so much. Very funny.
I also do comedy. I only said I was an actor, but I also... I'm also an actress.
There we go. Oh, wow. Here we are, baby.
L.A. Writer. Multi-hyphen. I'm trying to be an author. I'm trying to put out my EP. I would write a book one day.
That's the dream, I think. I also want to say something about my pronouns. Yeah. I want to pitch something. Okay, so you can call me she, her, I guess, but I don't like it when people are like, she is over there. I don't like it when they say she, referring to me. So I'd prefer that you actually use my name. Oh, yeah.
Casey. Always say Casey. Really? Your pronouns are Casey. Casey.
And you can use them if you want to. You just don't like people talking about you? Just like anytime someone's acting like I'm not in the room. Oh, yeah. Well, that's the hard thing with pronouns. Even if I'm not in the room, I don't like it. I switched today, but it's like, I don't know if people are doing that, because if I'm in the room, I'm not hearing them talk about me in the third person. Right. Nobody says my pronouns when I'm not in the room.
Really? Probably not. I look like this. No. Bitches.
What do you think in the world of pronoun pins, would you ever? Pronoun what? Pins, like when you wear a pin, that tells people what your pronouns are?
I've thought about it, but I think people would just not see it. Really? They would just look right past it?
Yeah. Good God. Yeah.
I wore one once, and it felt, I just don't wear clothes with text on it. It felt like I was screaming. And I don't know, maybe that says more about, maybe that's something I need to overcome, is allow myself to scream. It felt like screaming?
I get that. I thought about putting it on my bag, but then people are really not gonna see it. Yeah, with all the cats. Yeah.
I've had people call this a fanny pack, and I'm like, you're a stretching bitch. You're fucking stretching.
For those of you listening in your car, we are talking about a cat side bag. Yeah, it's a side bag. Really? It's a California purse.
Let's jump into the thick of it, shall we? How did you come out? How did it feel? Paint a picture for me. Moi? Yeah, I'm talking to you. Well, okay, so I didn't really do that.
I was just always like, I'm bi. I said it in sixth grade, and it ruined my life. Wow. And then I actually invented being bi. Bisexuality. I did. The contemporary understanding of bisexuality, I was the one who coined it, and then I was pretty much just like, no, I'm actually a lesbian, because being a lesbian to me is about, it's really a political party. I absolutely agree, but tell me more.
Okay, so it's pretty much like, you decide that you're not gonna live your life in reaction to men. You're not gonna live in spite of them or because of them, but even saying it is weird. It's still circumventing that idea, but pretty much that's the idea. It is a nightmare when men are involved in lesbianism at all. It's impossible. It's not lesbianism to me. I also hate the binary and participating in that, so there is hypocrisy inherent in that definition, but it's the best I can do, and I'm just trying to get through the day. Wait, so you didn't come out, you refused, love that. Yeah, I refused to do that, but that's privilege.
And then, it's been great. Yeah. Wait, tell me why it ruined your life in the sixth grade to say that you were bi. Oh, to say that I was bi? Yeah. I thought I was talking to mature adults, and I wasn't. I was talking to a lot of scared sixth graders. And they ran with it. Yeah. Wow, that's hard. I came out in the fifth grade and then said, just kidding, for two decades. Yeah, good for you.
But the high that I felt in that moment was hot. I know, remember that feeling? Like, thinking that you're just talking your truth, and then that's when you realize you're never, no. Yeah, you're like, actually, that was scary. I'm living on a razor's edge, and I'm gonna say just kidding really fast.
Great. Mor, how did y'all come out? Yeah. I came out, the first time with Just Sexuality, I came out on stage at Flappers Claremont, just to a bunch of randos from the Inland Empire, and it wasn't jokes yet, so they were just like, huh, okay. This kid wanna kiss girl, and they wanna suck dick, okay, not funny. Do you have flappers? Yeah. Yeah, at Flappers Claremont. That is so funny.
And I'd been doing character stand-up before that, and one night I was just like, I'm funny, I'm a person, I'm gonna talk about myself, and they were like, mm, don't do it yet, and then I stopped doing stand-up for a couple years. And I came to LA and I came out as bi to my one friend, and he was like, this is so great for you, and then I started thinking in my head all the time, I was like, yeah, faggot, hell yeah. I just was thinking faggot all the time and I told him that, and I was like, yeah, I'm just out in public and I'm thinking about it, I'm just like, hell yeah, faggot. And then he was like, that's weird, man. In a taking back the word kind of thing? Yeah, yeah, where I was thinking about it all the time and I was like, hell yeah, and then he was like, that's not what my experience was, and I was like, okay. And then that also closeted me pretty hard.
Oh, God. Because I was just excited, I guess.
And then I came out, for gender stuff, for being a demi girl, I came out for the first time on a podcast, but it was in the middle of a podcast nobody listened to yet, so it was like, it didn't even happen. If it happens on a podcast, did it even happen? Imagery falls in a podcast. Yeah, and then that same podcast had me and my partner at the time come back and they tried to out me by surprise to my partner, where they were like, oh, and by the way, did you know your partner identifies as a girl? Oh my God, was this WTF with Marc Maron? Yeah, I was on WTF with Marc Maron, a little known podcast nobody listened to, I came out on.
Yeah, and then I would be drunk and tell people, I feel like a girl, and they would act like it never happened and I would act like it never happened. And then I got sober and then I was like, I can't live like this anymore. Wow. Yeah, I came out in a post and I'm still figuring it out. I'm like, I say demi girl because I feel so happy. Some days I just wake up and I still feel like I'm in the closet because I have to explain it every time.
Yes. So it doesn't really feel like I'm out yet because it's like, I'd have to literally, at Starbucks, they'd be like, ah, sir, what would you like today? I'd have to be like, ah, excuse me to really be out of the closet. To like every five feet you walk, you have to be like, actually, it's ma'am. Yeah, yeah. Amen. Yeah.
I get hey ladies at every restaurant I've ever been to in my life. You're like, I'm not a lady, but thank you.
One day I'll get partner buckaroo. That's the dream. Buckaroo.
You have to start going to Outback Steakhouse a lot. Sorry, brand. You are sponsored by Outback.
Jovan, how did you come out? I didn't really come out per se.
It was more like, I was in the eighth grade, came back after school one day, slammed mom with my laptop and I just knew what to expect. I was like, it was one, it was either my Tumblr blog or porn. And she found gay porn on my laptop and she had this whole breakdown thing and I was just like, I didn't know what she wanted me to do.
I didn't know it was a secret. At this point I was like, I've been seeing Destiny's Child in the back of her car since I was like six. So I was like, it shouldn't have been a surprise to anybody. And it wasn't to anybody besides her, which was weird.
She told my uncle, she told my dad, everyone was like, yeah. Like, yeah. Like everyone knows this.
And it was like a thing for three weeks. We fought for about it. And then I made her watch Pray It's Her Bobby and explained to her like, girl, I'll take myself out if you don't chill out. It was too much. We came out, we came to a men's and then she came out like two months later as bi.
No way.
I was gonna say, they always make it about them. And I was like, well, she took my spotlight. I was like, so. Yeah, exactly. And then after that I was like, nobody cared about me coming out because now she's out here doing her thing. Oh my god. So I didn't mind. I was like, whatever. Took the pressure off me.
Wait, and this was all going down in Texas, right? Yeah, yeah. That's where you grew up? Oh wow. Was that, what was the culture? Like Houston, right?
Pre-Obama it was really, really bad. But then like 2010 when he became president everything changed completely.
What? It was like, Lydia, complete flip. It was like everything flipped. That's amazing.
The homophobia, all that chilled so much. We were almost like, between Glee and Obama so much changed so fast. It was just like, the homophobia really went away.
It's so true. Like really intensely. Oh my god, yeah. It's so true.
The Bush era really, and the 9-11 thing made high school really Republican. Yes, these colors don't run like high school.
Yeah. It was horrifying. Yeah. Yeah, oh that's so interesting. I feel like we had, when I was really young, Will and Grace was like, that was the one. Pinnacle. Yes, that like parents could be like, oh this. But Glee is so much like brighter and cuter. It was something. What a sweet, what a sweet thing to have made. Yeah.
Although I do remember, my brother and I are both gay, and we weren't allowed to watch Will and Grace. My mom was like, it's glorifying the gay lifestyle.
It's glorifying. And now we're like, wake up. Yeah. Maybe it needed to be glorified, okay?
We're in a church van. Did any of you grow up religious?
Yeah. Yeah? I did. What?
I grew up with Jehovah's Witness until the point I was like 14. Wow. I think that's why I like, I never really felt like I had to come out. I can act just like the maximum. I'm gonna be 10% as gay as I can possibly be. It was enough where like people wondered, but I couldn't straight up say it until like I was actually like 15, 16. Oh okay, yeah. So I grew up with it.
My grandma, she's still in it. My mom, she's still pretty Christian, but like when it comes to that, my grandma actually didn't change because of me.
She came and visited us in Texas, and she was bored, started watching Hulu. She watched The Fosters and got really, really into The Fosters. Wait, what the fuck is The Fosters? It's like the show about a gay couple who come together, adopt a bunch of kids and all kinds of stuff going on like that.
And she texted me and was like, I don't care who you love, love is love. And I was like, it's cause she's been watching Hulu. This is eight years later after I've already come out and it's like, now she's not, she's like, the gays are okay, she's chillin'. Oh my God. She texts me for pride, but it's like, I don't know.
Religion is weird. I think it's changed so much even for adults now where it's like, they have a different relationship. It's very much spiritual, less biblical. I think so too. Like my mom, her first reaction was very like, oh no, this is wrong and this isn't gonna work out for you and then now she's like very much like, you know, there's like a gay parent's group that she goes to where everyone else has gay kids and it's like, if I had known that that was an option for her earlier.
I'm like, so who was that mom? But yeah, were you raised religious or you? No, I was raised, well, I believe that there's always some kind of God in a family even if it's like, atheism.
Totally, yeah. I was raised by people in AA. Oh, cool. And that's very religious. Yeah, totally. And that was the religion of the household which is even in some ways more conservative than Christianity. Interesting. Because it's just like, it's really judgmental. Really? To be raised in the AA religion. Yeah.
Maybe my parents are just judgmental. I mean, they are. It's pretty zero tolerance, I could see that and a lot of the work of like your higher power and stuff like that is God. That's what I'm talking about, God. I wish my parents were AA. One of them. This is to your dad.
Are you an only child? No, I have an older sister.
What's going on there? This is just a full get to know each other, shoot the shit podcast. Isn't it crazy you ask me about my family and it's like, I don't like every person that you ask. It's like, I don't want to talk about it. It's like a danger zone. Alright, what do you want to talk about?
Sex. Okay, great. Let's hop in. No? Yeah, I say baby, let's go there.
Do you consent?
I can either go through each of your families and itemize and make you talk about each member of your family or we can talk about sex. Did you want to talk about your family?
Sure. I didn't. We absolutely do not have to. Okay, let's fast forward, okay? Let's regroup. Yeah.
Sex. Scary or fun? Both. Cool. Tell me more.
Sex is really scary and it's so crazy that they just like don't, nobody tells you anything.
Mm-hmm. And like nobody, nobody knows what lesbian sex is. Mm-hmm. They do, like you know it, you know it when you see it. Yeah. When you feel it. Mm-hmm.
But it's like there's, I've never been told like what it is. No, totally, and everyone's guessing and they're like I think it's scissoring and you're like, oh okay, let me try to navigate this. Yeah, and the whole like bases you know that really confuses it.
Oh yeah. Because like lesbian sex is like, it can be a topless, it can be second base. Mm-hmm. Like full lesbian sex could be a, just a topless make out. Mm-hmm. Depending on the emotions. Yeah. Lesbian sex can just be like, I, this part, I'm self-conscious about this part of my body and the other person goes, it's perfect. And then you both come. That's so true. I'm trying to switch it up. Should I be a lesbian? Yeah, get ready, hop on. Yeah, lesbian sex. I do agree though.
It's like, when I remember in like college, I had a friend ask like, so like you don't like fully have sex like when it comes to lesbian sex and you're like, no it is. But again, it's that like very like relating it to like a straight male gaze of like what is sex or whatever. Yeah, the levels of like leading up to penetration of sex.
Yeah.
The culture is penetration obsessed, I would say. Mm-hmm. You guys, did you have fun, fun early experiences or was it every day as a winding road for you? Yeah, for me it was like, I was like a prude about sex. I still kind of am. Mm-hmm, me too.
The first time I made out with like a guy was at like a party, like a scene party and I was like embarrassed. I was like, oh fuck, shit in public. But it was, I mean it was good and fine. I just was like, oh damn, rip.
But nobody cared. Nobody cared.
That's just my memory of it. Yeah, totally. It was like freaked out. I was like, oh. Yeah, and for me it's just like that. Like I remember like, I remember when I was in college, when I first came to LA and was like 19, I was like, well I don't want to date anybody because then it's a choice. Then it's a choice between sides and I'm just that. And so that was like crippling for a bit.
And yeah, I guess sex gets complicated too when I'm like, like I hooked up with somebody and they're like, oh you're like the second girl I hooked up with and like then my gender is like, what the hell, this doesn't feel right. Oh, interesting. Where like, it's like it rubbed, that's like the non-binary part of me flares up when they're like, you're the second girl I've hooked up with. And I'm like, this feels strange to say because it was very much just penetrative sex and I'm like, I don't know. But if they feel like that, it validates me. Like it was validating and at the same time I was like, yeah. It is interesting. It stresses me out. I feel like you're, like at least I feel my gender in like public, like walking around. But then also when it comes to sex, it feels like different performance of your gender. And I've like nailed down a lot of things about my gender in public. But then when it comes to sex, it's fully like, I don't know, like we'll figure it out. I can feel 100% different in that like place.
Yeah. And I do still feel like effeminate when I'm having sex, but it is complicated. It doesn't complicate it, that part of it. Where like it doesn't make me not want to have sex quickly, but it does make it different. Yeah.
There's just so much deprogramming I feel like we all gotta do. Especially like coming from very Christian backgrounds. Do you feel like that works against you or do you feel like you've shed all of that?
I don't know.
I didn't actually have sex until I was 23. I didn't make out with anyone until I was like 20.
I was just like, it was very much, I don't even know if I felt guilty. I can say I had a lot of internalized homophobia because of the Christian background, it's more like, I feel like it wasn't even my family that cared or my friend, because they never cared. It was more like, I felt bad, like God cares. Like I'm gonna go to hell for this, this is just bad. I had to get over that for a long time. So I didn't do anything for a long time. And I was more just like, not gonna call it a transaction, it's just like, I don't know.
Just going out there, doing whatever. Every time I go out, I make out with like 10 people. No way. If I get too much tequila, it's over. So I'm gonna go with everybody. Do you ever feel like you're making up for lost time? Absolutely. Me too.
I think for me it's like, I don't even get anything out of it. I'm just like, well, there we go again. Who did it again? I'm like, no, wake up some days. I'm like, whose bed is this? I'm just like, I'm not gonna care in a week, so whatever.
But it very much is, I feel like I don't really have, I don't have full blown, I don't have penetrative sex. I haven't had that in like three years. My ex is the last person. I don't really don't go all the way there. But I think I do suck dick, make out all the time. But it's like, it's a weird relationship. It's not scary anymore, but it's not really fun anymore either.
I think it is more just like, just making up for the lost time, if anything. Where I feel like, that's the expectation in gay culture, is to just hook up and make out with everybody. So I just do that. And I guess I'm supposed to do that. And I guess I'm supposed to, I'm trying to feel more gay, but it's like, it doesn't really work that way.
It doesn't work. That's so disheartening to think that the fun-ness of it is tied to the fear of it. Oh yeah, like the risk. Yeah, I want it to be fun, and actually fun. And you have to almost invent a new way to have fun with sex, because where's the support to show you how to do that? Yeah. But I hear you with that.
I've never had sex sober. I've never had sex.
You're lying. I literally never done anything gay with someone sober. You gotta try it. No way! If you get alcohol or I'm high, I've never, I think about yesterday, I was like, I've never done that.
You might be straight. No, I'm definitely not straight. I've made out with a lot of girls, I've tried to go there and it's like. It sounds like you are straight, actually.
No, no, no. You heard it here first. I'm just, homophobia in me is just, it's a little more intense than I give credit for. No, it's true, yeah. And that stuff comes out of nowhere. It does.
I make jokes about it all the time. All my friends, when I move to LA, they all say they hear that he's the most homophobic gay person I've ever met. Oh my God. And I've been having to deal with it and it's like, they're not wrong. I make a lot of jokes about it but I do have, and it's not against other gays. It's mostly myself.
I don't do that. I can't do that.
I don't think, I'm definitely not masked. I don't try to be masked by any means.
Yeah. But it's like, it's very much, I don't know. I have just a lot to work on. It's true, yeah. I think we all do. I feel like I went to, I started going to therapy and it's like so scary when you first start going because it's like, you've put everything very neatly where it needs to be to survive and someone's coming in and being like, what's this? What's this? And this kicks everything up and I just got out of that part where therapy is a nightmare every week, just being like, what are we gonna dig up today? Great. Me coming out in a pantry at a church camp to some woman who went, don't tell anyone that. I'm like, yeah. But now it's mostly helpful. Are we all therapy bitches? Roll call.
I gotta get a new one in California but I did have one in Texas. I do have one in Texas, yeah.
Yeah, I'm in therapy. Yeah. Straight to camera? Yeah. I certainly am in therapy. We're the elite. You? Yeah? Yeah. Oh yeah, baby. The homophobia in, like the internalized homophobia, that's the worst kind. Yeah.
It's rampant. I mean, it's the only kind, really. Yeah, and it's just so hard to even figure out what you can do to repair it.
I think so many gay spaces are either sexual or partying and stuff like that where it's like, there's not a gay grocery store, I can just go and feel normal, you know, which is like, every environment we have is very- Well, Whole Foods. Yeah, Whole Foods is pretty close. Whole Foods is pretty close.
Not last. But we have a stigma with everywhere we can really be gay so it's like, I don't know, Pride's the only time where it's like, maybe people are sober but not really. Nobody's sober during Pride. No, yeah.
There are only spaces to explore what being gay even means so it's just weird. Yeah, having gay be so tied to night culture is like, oh, then what is gay during the day? We have music. We have the music scene and the nightclub scene. That's all it really is to really connect the gay culture. I wonder what gay stuff do you guys ever do during the day?
I'm thinking, what, a picnic? That sounds cute.
If you're in a relationship, yes, but I feel like as a single gay individual, it's like, what do you really do? There's nothing to really do.
Well, you gotta hang out with gay people. Yeah. And I think that's enough. That's a gay activity. That's pretty much all we can do. You gotta be gay together. That's really what it is. Yeah.
When do you think for you you felt comfortable with the amount of gay friends you had? You felt like you had a community.
What age? Right now. Really? First time, yeah. Ooh!
It's great. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's in my early 20s. Early 20s, it was like once all my Tumblr friends, everyone had to realize they weren't straight, because I was already open to gay forever, but a lot of my friends it was like every few months, someone was either coming out as trans, gay, or bi. Yup. I think once everyone was there, it was like, okay. So all the friends I've had this long, anywhere, they're pretty much in the spectrum. It always works like that. Yeah. It's like you find a group of friends and you're like, for some reason, this works. Yeah. And then you all come out and it's like, oh, that's why. Like, I saw you. Since moving here, I've actually made a lot of straight friends, which I'd never had that many straight friends at all to move to L.A. But there are so many here who are like, they're not, they're cool with gay people or like, I don't know, they're just not, they're not weird about it. Yeah. I don't feel like the same pressure to have to make gay friends to feel understood. Yeah.
So that's why I'm making more straight friends for the first time. I do, yeah, I do have a lot of straight friends here in L.A. It's not hard for them. In high school, people would have said they were gay.
Yeah, yeah. And they're definitely, they're very just, they're free, they're cool. Totally, yeah. But it's like, I get, yeah, they're chill. Very like, open. Yeah. Without having to try. Yeah.
I feel like. What about you? When do you think you felt like you had like, your first cute queer community? I'm always building it. I feel like I'm, it's always changing and I like one on one visits more than group hangs. Hard, yeah, totally, yeah. Like I feel like I, groups tend to stress me out. The concept of community sometimes stresses me out. It's like, that need to be like, oh, do I have my community?
That is antithetical to what I actually need sometimes. Yeah. But I like collecting friends. I'm always available for that. Yeah. I feel like I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm available for that and yeah.
More lesbians, it's hard getting enough lesbians around. It is true. When there's a lesbian night, I go and it's like a very gay, very gay boy. And you're like, this is the one lesbian night on the East side.
Yeah. What's going on?
I went to the Abbey and I was at the, oh, I think it was Thursday or Tuesday. if I didn't really pay attention. Because I was like, these are all really pretty girls, they're all together, and I was like, it didn't feel, I felt like the gay club, it was like a regular thing. And I was like, well. You only noticed because there were like six lesbians. I was like, I'm not getting any attention tonight. I was like, what's going on? And I was like, oh okay, it's lesbian night.
I'm Ubering away. Right, I was like, we're going across, we're going to Mickey's, we gotta get out of here.
I don't like propagating this narrative, but I don't understand why lesbian spaces are, like we're not good at that. Like dominating territories, and I don't understand it. I don't think it makes sense.
I'm so mad that the palms closed.
Oh yeah. Um, I want it to change. Yeah, me too.
I just think gay spaces have become so straight friendly to the point where now it's really hard to even. I go to the gay clubs and I'm like, I don't know who's with the girls and who's not. I don't know who's actually gay, they're like, who's what?
Which I guess isn't a bad thing, but it's like, now our spaces are gonna be the same. It's all like capitalism. It's like, I'm hoping.
Not to attack drag race, but I think drag race definitely like, they push straight people to feel very comfortable in our community, because even in Texas, I would go to Tuesgays and stuff, and it was like straight women with their boyfriends, like 90% of the club, and it was a very fast transition from when we mostly gays to like two months later, it was like almost all straight couples. And it's weird because they'll get drunk and just make out and fall over the place. Like this is not what the gays do. We don't do all that at the club. You go home and do all that. So this is just different. They change the spaces so much. Even lesbian spaces, I feel like women feel more safe there, so like straight women will go and take over the space even, because at the Abbey, that was a problem too. The guys and their girlfriends, like usual, because of course their guy will go to the gay club on lesbian night.
So it's just weird. It's definitely weird.
Yeah, I agree. It's hard to be like, I don't want any straight people at my function, but in a way, you have every other place. Yeah, that's why I always tell my friends, like you ask them to go anywhere. Like you ask them where they go anywhere. I don't wanna go to freaking tenants every single night. Like I get it. This is what you guys can do every time, but like ugh, I'm gonna go to WeHo at least once a week.
Where are you guys at with PDA? Yay or nay? Love it. Ideally.
I mean, I'm single as hell, so it's like I don't even know what to say about me. One day, one day I would love to be openly gay everywhere. Just openly gay everywhere.
Jail's fine.
I don't know. I don't have an answer.
I don't like it right now. Yeah, I used to definitely hate it. My first friendship, it was like my nightmare. It was just like, I don't.
We were in the room, yes. Everywhere else, it's like, we're just chilling. Yeah. I think because, I don't know. Now it's the opposite. I would much rather be like, I'd rather everybody know if I'm hiding some secret. Yeah. For me, it's not PDA.
It's about my clothes and shit, where I don't wanna wear too femme stuff, because then it's like. I wore a dress on stage the other day, and that sucked.
Really? Yeah, it was trash. Just the reaction?
Yeah, I just felt like I didn't explain it in the right way right away, and so then I couldn't recover, and I just walked off. I actually felt very powerful. I just walked off stage. Oh, wow. I was just like, I'm done. I'm outta here. I'm going home. And then people were like, no, keep going. Do it, you can do it. And I was like, I don't want to do it. I just walked out.
But yeah, I don't know.
I guess for me, that's my PDA thing I'm dealing with right now. Public displays of gender identity. P-D-I-G-I-A. P-D-I-A, yeah. Yeah, that's it. I love PDA.
I like seeing it, and I like doing it, but it is weird how sometimes I get scared to do it, depending on where I am. It sucks. I hate it that that is real. Yeah. You know what I hate the most about when I have a thought like that? It's always involving children, which is very much some weird thing I got from the church, but when I'm in the airport and I'm holding hands with a sweetie, and there are kids, sometimes it's like, I'm afraid. And it's like, no, that's exactly what you need to see.
But maybe you're afraid because their mom would flip out. It's never the kids. It's always like their parents might be like, don't do that in front of my child.
And it's like, where the fuck did that come from? That's so backwards. It also sucks because when you're making out with a woman, men can sometimes approach and make it about them in a very hostile and scary way.
And you didn't think that you were showing off in that way. You weren't. Because you weren't. You just stood up for not showing off.
You would die before you did. But then it's actually scary in the same way that a straight woman would be preyed upon in that way. So annoying.
But it is seen as an invitation. Yeah, it's like an invitation.
And if it was a hetero couple, there's no way. No way in hell.
Yeah. For me too.
A polyamorous person would be like, hey, I'm hitting on, I'm like, I'm hitting on both of you. I'm a predator to a straight couple.
No, sorry to interrupt. You're fine, I wasn't interrupting. I wasn't interrupting. You weren't interrupting. I wasn't interrupting. I was gonna talk about something completely unrelated that was just rotating in my head.
Bring us there. Is my PDA that I'm worried about dating a girl right now because then I feel like it makes me seem cis. Oh, yeah. Where I'm like, fuck this shit. I don't want to because I'm like, it feels like it threatens this part of me where I'm like, oh, if I'm just dating a girl, people are just gonna be like, I have this thought all the time lately where I'm like, I can't be that because I don't even know what it, I always wonder what it would feel like to just like fucking wake up and just be like, hell yeah, this is my body and I feel like it's represented outside of my life. Yeah. Does it feel like you need to pass extra to date a cis girl or a girl? Well, yeah, because I was in a relationship for four years where only they knew and then it makes it hard to come out because then it's just like, yeah, but you're just doing the thing that was expected. Yeah. Whatever.
But you're like, it's completely different in how I see myself. Yeah, and even how the relationship works. Like I feel like so much of male-female relationships is like the whole like, ah, daddy, you're like, you're the man and then the guy's like, I'm gonna, ah, none of this girl shit. You're like. And you're like, actually all of that girl shit.
Yeah, it was always fun.
Yeah, yeah, like, I don't know. I was hanging out in a space with two cis women and they were talking about giving birth or something and they were like, oh, sorry to me. And I was like, I don't care. Yeah. I'd be grossed out. I was like, I don't know, it's fine. I'm not gonna do it, but I can't do it, but it's just little things like that that I feel like are affected.
Yeah, where are you at right now with your gender? What do you think? What do you feel?
I still feel half. I feel like half girl and the other half is like non-binary like I feel really foreign.
Like I play video games and that's like one of the hardest spaces to come out in because like, they'll just be like, what's up bro? Hell yeah, brother, all this shit.
I'm sitting there like, no, you guys all play as these girl characters because you think they're hot. I play as them because I want to be them and I think they're hot. I want to be these hot girls I'm playing as.
But it's so weird that that's such a leap. It's like, their avatar is female. But they're not playing with that. It's like, they kind of are. Yeah, they are. Yeah, subconsciously Fortnite is turning a bunch of young boys.
No, I don't know. That's the new Breitbart article. Yeah. Did you guys see that Blackbeard episode with the video games? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot.
As a gamer, I hated it. Why? Because it's like the developers aren't going to develop a full sex game into their fighting game.
Oh, you mean the mechanics of the reality? Yeah, I guess it's an accident.
I just was like, they programmed working genitals out of their... They programmed working orgasms into their fighting game.
This doesn't check out. I also just, after they started fighting in the rain, I wanted them to make out at least for like a second. Yeah. And then when they didn't, I was kind of like, oh, is this homophobic now? I'm watching two homophobic people. Yeah. You tricked me.
Oh, this guy is just like, is a bro. Who's just like, hell yeah, sometimes I want to plow down and be a... Once a month I can be a woman and just fuck.
I don't know. It was really weird to me. It was like, it was unsettling to me. I found it deeply unsettling.
Yeah. We are, let's answer some questions. We've got some viewer-submitted questions today. Let me see. Let's start here. I live in Texas. Hey.
And I'm afraid everyone will think I'm coming out for attention or that it's all made up, especially people who are Christian. How do you handle explaining yourself to people like this? Well, I can say everything I do is for attention anyway, essentially. I wouldn't really care if they thought it was for attention. It's like, you're gonna get attention regardless?
I can say, you don't owe anyone an explanation. It's like, coming out is the explanation. You don't have to worry about things like that. Anyone who's gonna accept you will. Anyone who won't, won't. You can't really change it with explanations. So it's like, take that pressure off of it, in my opinion, just do you. Perfectly said. Yeah, exactly. Take that pressure off of yourself to change everyone's mind. What sucks about coming out too is that you're proving that, the whole concept is like, you're proving that there's people in your life that you can't talk to in the way that you want to and the way that you are being yourself.
So just don't do it. Don't do it for them.
And I know that's gonna take a lifetime to figure out, but to internalize that is really fun. It's exciting. Yeah, I think so too. And I hope that we're getting to a point where less and less people have to come out. It would just be so nice if it was just a like, oh, by the way, I'm this.
It's like, okay, cool, no dude. And it wasn't like a, mom, sit down.
You know? Get ready for this. I lit a candle or whatever, yeah.
Okay, any advice for righteous queer anger and rage at the state of the world that we live in? How does one deal with it? What does that mean? What is righteous queer anger? I don't know. Like how to be angry. Yeah. What do you do with your queer anger and rage? Oh, I thought it was like from the other side, like a straight person being like, what do I do with these righteous queers? No, no, no, no. This is a righteous queer that we are talking to.
Okay. Yeah, how do you? Can you say the question again? Yeah. I'm sorry.
I think it's pretty much asking how do you deal with your anger? How do you deal with it?
In spite of like, the headline. You probably make art or go into law, right? Yeah, yeah. Become an immigration lawyer today. Yeah. Artist or lawyer? Yeah.
I think for me personally, I needed to turn off push notifications from news outlets on my phone, because I need to be in control of when I interact with the news right now, because it's just like, yeah, to get a push notification of like a new atrocity is really hard. There's a lot of reasons to be angry. What do you guys do with your anger?
Therapy. Yeah. I'm going to therapy. Totally. I don't know. I think it's just, it's a really hard thing to do, because there's so much going on. Some things are getting better, but so many other things are getting so much worse, where it's like, I don't know what to do, besides ball it up sometimes, go talk about it later. Yeah, totally.
My therapist says we kill people. It's a wild approach. Your therapist says you what? Kill people, like in my thought and fantasy. That's how I deal with rage.
Oh, wow. Yeah, it's really interesting.
It doesn't create more rage? It's really, it's a type of therapy that instead of going for like 10 years, you just go for two or three. It's like an in-depth one. Where you like kill your parents and stuff? Yeah, if you're like, if there's one person that you're really angry at, it's like, she like, it's so freaky.
I can't believe it. It's truly so, the first time she was like, okay, what do you want to do to this person? And I was like, I don't know. And she was like, do you want to choke them? And it was like so sexual sounding that I was like, what's going on?
But she's honestly truly amazing. She's like, changed my life.
I've never heard of this. It's so, me neither. I thought it was a prank, honestly. And it works so well.
Because once you get past the rage, then you're able to access the love that you might have for that person. Yeah, so it's like, I don't know if I want to kill. Yeah, you're like, oops, sorry, I take it back. Yeah, because I guess if you go so far as to actually kill them, you start thinking about.
It would be scary. It would be sad. You'd be really creeped out. You feel a loss for that person. It's crazy.
Yeah, I want the people I hate to live forever.
Yeah. I've been like, babe, I killed you today. Therapy. And now that's like normal. Yeah, exactly. I killed you today. This is my Kanye album right now. Okay, let's do one last one, shall we?
What's a good way to justify seeing gay movies or TV or books to friends and family if I'm still in the closet? Like I accidentally referenced Call Me By Your Name or even this podcast and they'll ask me why I've seen it.
Oh, whoa. Yeah. You gotta lie. Like, that's what I would say to you. That's what being in the closet is. Yeah, you gotta think of a good lie.
My friend recommended it to me. I just watched it once, sort of something I like. That's fun. What if you created like an avatar for yourself where you're a gay friend and then you could kind of just live vicariously and protected. It's like having online friends, you just say, you just say my friend, my friend showed me this. Yeah, you say I got someone I know.
But it's almost like, I don't know if it's fucked up, it's probably bad advice, but like, you could, am I allowed to curse? Yeah. Okay. Like what if you were like made, cause you know how some, you're so self-loathing, or not you, but I can be, and you just would never protect yourself in certain situations but you would protect somebody else? Totally.
You can like create this ego, this alter ego, that is like the best gay person ever and did all these cool things that you could, you'd probably like split your personality, but it would be so fun. You could be the ideal person. I think that's like where some like fan fiction, like people who like write on Tumblr and stuff before they come out, you know, and you're like, this was hyper specific.
Getting that out, I think like The Closet, especially this podcast, it's like everyone on it talks about The Closet was a nightmare, and it gets a really bad rap because it's horrifying. Why are you in there and you're so alone? But I do think that The Closet is a tool and it's just giving you the time that you need before you're able to come out to everyone. I'm still freaked out. Yeah, I know, I've cracked the gender closet open a little bit and been like, I need more time incubating.
But yeah, I think, yeah, if you need a lie, maybe don't feel guilty. Tell a lie, protect yourself.
I'm just trying to see what the queers are up to.
Drop it down into a southern drawl. It works every time. I don't care if you don't speak English, drop it down, drop it low.
Because that's not bad either, you know what I mean? That's not negative, but if they're a bigot, they'll take it as a bigoted thing. And if they're positive, they'll say, well. They'll say, now I know someone new.
All right, that's all we have for this episode. Thank you to all three of you for coming in. Thank you. What are you up to? This is the plug section.
Where can people find you? Where can people send you money? Where can people friend request you? Where can they find you, should you wish to be found?
My Instagram and Twitter handles are fucking like Casey Jellison, Casey J. Ellison. And I'm performing all around LA and New York. I keep following me for updates. Oh, I have a podcast called The Problem with Charles and Casey on iTunes, everywhere.
What's that? Yeah, truly one of my favorite standups. What? Yeah, you're absolutely right. You're absolutely one of my favorite standups. Yeah, I'm very good at standups. Okay.
I'm Chiltrail Bill on the internet. I still have Bill on the internet, but I might keep Bill as a name. That's a thing I didn't really talk about, but I might end up just having like three or four names.
Hell yeah. You can see me acting as a boy, commercials and TV as my natural birth, my natural body. And it's like a mixture on my Instagram. You know, you'll be confused.
I'm on TikTok. Are you awake yet? Follow me on TikTok.
I'm on Twitter once a week or some shit. I tweet once a week. I can't take Twitter.
Great. Adrivan on Instagram. That's the only platform I'm not banned from right now. No way. Yeah, Twitter I'm banned from, Twitter I'm banned from. Why?
I follow too many celebrities. That is too powerful. The celebs are? Too many YouTubers. I only like good celebrities. Well don't call them that then. I follow too many YouTubers and they just have more connections than me, so I'm stuck on Instagram, but you can call me Adrivan, Venmo Adrivan.
Yes. These are my two platforms. You want to contact me so you can find me. Great. Do you have transcripts of those tweets? I have, yeah, some pictures. You want to shoot them after?
Yeah, we got to sneak these out. We're going to check all this out. All right, thank you so much everybody. I hope that you have a great week and thanks for listening. We will see you. I think we are on hiatus for a little bit because I am getting my tits cut off. So send good vibes, honey. What an outro. to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness.
By the twilight's last gleaming. Sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
dropout | the_wrong_way_to_reveal_your_pregnancy_test_hot_date | what's up nothing keep eating did you do something to my food there might be a little surprise in there oh what's that is that a pregnancy test pregnant what the fuck and I'm sorry I'm confused now did you want to have a baby no then why aren't we celebrating because you pissed in my spaghetti and then tricked me in eating it it wasn't a trick it was a surprise ladies are always surprised in their deeds of pregnancy test when they're positive and they're trying to have a baby and there's no urine involved being is a part of a pregnancy test so grow up Murph how else was I supposed to show you a text a picture simply saying hey I'm not pregnant lacks pageantry and urine right no urine okay Murph that negative sign is a badge of honor I mean not sharing it with you would be like saying hey mom I got all A's and not even showing her the report guard you gotta give them something to hang on the fridge no you don't you keep the urine away from the food I put a lot of energy into this and I feel like it's not being appreciated I have to call ahead and get a waiter on board someone who works here was involved there's a lot of effort on my part need to be fired oh my gosh I'm so sorry for trying to surprise you that's not what you should be sorry for you're absolutely right women apologize too much I'm not actually sorry holy shit let's just stop talking okay I know someone who's never getting a surprise party oh what the fuck oh that was the backup one in case you didn't finish your spaghetti what the fuck is wrong with you I thought we weren't talking hey guys thanks for watching tune in every week as hot date gets hotter nope nope nope please stab at the shirt oh okay |
cracked | rom_com_cracked_series_trailer | We're interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall what works what doesn't so on the guys are Horrible terrible. I got a hundred messages in an hour the messages. I receive holla. I'd go pac-man on that Word for vagina. I don't like using I tear that ass up penis Find love.net saw solid financial commitments from 11 new investors today nice work today monkeys We've had thousands of years to study relationships that amount of data was bound to yield patterns and consistencies He harmonies for old people match comms like a more dignified Craigslist You're saying you can just tell what people have left out of their profiles anyone can if they look through all our research and raw data We have to get into abusive power territory at some point, right? This is just utilizing power more efficient You can't hack a person. I'm just getting started and when I Crap almost do that We created the worst dating profile we could imagine someone that no one would ever date She lists tricking guys into thinking I'm pregnant as her top interest and then we take back. I bet one million dollars on infinity messages So we're all clear on the rules rules are for fools turkey. This was your thing Blake you sobbing possum Peace out smoke bomb pumpkin bomb which I made out of science give people a chance to pretend to be their best self And maybe they'll get there What's Zeus for |
TheOnion | Genetic_Scientists_Develop_Sheep_With_Goat_Brain | An important scientific breakthrough at Colorado's Outlook Institute this week. For the first time ever, a sheep has been genetically engineered with the brain of a goat. Joining us now to talk about the incredible breakthrough is the experiment's director, Dr. Doug Erskine.
This is quite an accomplishment for you and your team. Thank you. We're very excited. Now, you've been working on this project for over three years. Is that correct? Yes, but we've accomplished an incredible feat.
We now have a sheep that has the habits, preferences, and mannerisms of an entirely different animal, a goat. So having a goat's brain really had an impact on her behavior. Absolutely. Look how she selects that grass that's very un-sheep-like chewing. Incredible. See how she looked at that fence post? That's exactly how a goat would have looked at that post. What was the journey like getting you and your team to this point? Well, we started out, we were trying to cure Alzheimer's, but now we have a sheep with the mind of a goat. Now, this is interesting. What exactly is your goat sheep doing here? Oh, no. That's a regular sheep.
Here, this is the one. Doctor, let me ask you this. What are the ethical implications of this technology? Well, you never know where the science will lead you. Our first major breakthrough was breeding a squirrel with the mind of a chipmunk.
And from there we said, well, we can't stop here. Well, thankfully you didn't. |
SaturdayNightLive | potato_hole_snl | Welcome back to P.m. in the afternoon. coming up later, Chef Cindy is going to show us how to make the perfect turducken. Ooh, and once again, we are honored to be joined by legendary blues musician Willie T. Hawkins. he's been sitting in all morning playing some tasty licks off his new album, My Potato Hole. interesting title. I'm sorry, Willie T. I almost don't want to ask, but what on Earth is a potato Hole? don't worry about it. No, I'm curious. what is it? do I have a potato hole? can I touch my wife's potato hole? can we even say potato Hole on Tv? What is a potato hole? I'd rather not say. hey, Willie T. a closed book. Okay, let's turn it over to Gail with the weather. how's our weekend looking? Well, we've got some storm clouds moving in, so if you're going out, you're going to want to bring an umbrella, especially if you don't want to get rain inside your potato hole. I'm sorry, it's just so fun to say, potato Hole, Potato Hole, Potato Hole. Okay, well, if you're just joining us, folks, we are absolutely tickled by Willie T. Hawkins' new album, My Potato Hole. Hey, speaking of tickled, what would happen if I tickled my wife's potato Hole?
Josh, you're mine. I know.
I wouldn't want to be in there for five seconds. But could you be in a potato hole for five seconds? I mean, what is it? that's the eternal question. What is a potato hole? The world may never know.
Now, let's toss things over to skip Dudley with sports. Thanks, Deborah. the Pga Tour is in full swing, pun, with Rory Mcelroy sinking an unbelievable hole in one. And, you know, it got me thinking, could you hit a potato hole in one? Oh, no! Skip, you goof! I knew it was going there.
Potato Hole! All right, now, before we go to break, Willie T. you got to tell us. we got to know, what is a potato hole? What's a potato hole? Spill the tea. What's a potato hole? For the love of God, man. tell us what a potato hole is. a potato hole is a hole That slaves were dead to hide their food and possessions from plantation owners. for a little of these slaves had, they were keeping their potato hole. even though they knew that if their masses found these potato holes, they'd be whipped, beaten, torn limb from limb. the potato hole was their last message of humanity. And over time, it came to symbolize the resilience of black life in the face of white oppression. that's what a potato hole is, bitch. uh-huh, uh-huh.
I did not see that as what it could be. could've told us sooner. But, yeah, no, I think we are all sorry. Willie T. you want to play us out with a tasty lick? I do not. didn't think you would. we'll be right back. |
dropout | awkward_rap | A one, two, three, four When do I come in?
You're coming after four So on five Yes but I'm not going to say five I'm not going to say five You have to come in at four, alright One, two, three, four Now If you say how are you I'll say not much My hand and your boob accidentally touch I snort when I laugh and I fart when I sneeze Stand right behind this guy when he pees If I see you waving, my hand goes in the air Even though you're waving to that guy over there I talk shit about you like a Slide box Till I realize that I wrote it in your I.M. box When a waiter says enjoy your food Every single time I will say oh you too I mean it Yo have a seat next to me Put yourself a cup of my dick Ooh I was your boyfriend you two really click Oh you broke up that guy was a dick Excuse me I cannot reach the top rack Oh you don't work here You're just black Awkward Oh when will this moment pass Awkward I feel like such an ass Awkward It makes my skin crawl Awkward Yo yo it makes me feel so small When I see you I give you a quizzical look Do I know you from life or from Facebook You're far away and cause we can't talk yet We'll act like our eyeballs never met When we talk I gotta hide my shame You think we're BFF but I don't know your name So here we are in no man's way Do I give you a hug or just shake your head I go for the embrace so warm and pleasing You try to pull away but I keep on squeezing You try to pass by but we bump and sway Thanks for the dance I'll be on my way We said our goodbyes and I shed a tear Miss you already What you're still here I want to avoid further social connection So I'll walk 20 minutes in the wrong direction Awkward Oh when will this moment pass Awkward I feel like such an ass Awkward You think it can't get worse Awkward Yo yo but we've got one more verse I'm an elevator ride you want to impose I'll say I'm present open but I'll press your close If you make it in I will devise A way to look everywhere but in your eyes Then I'll follow you right out the door Take a look around this eight month floor Wrinkle your phone so put it to your cheek I didn't mean to call you but now we gotta speak One last thing when my voice gets loud And there's suddenly silence in the crowd I don't care won't change what I say All these people are dicks anyway What?
What were you?
This guy was all like Just don't know I do not think you guys are dicks anyway No way Hugh I don't know this is super What have you guys looked at the walls what color are they They?
Awkward marine When's daylight savings?
That's spring forward It's June Fall back |
dropout | if_internet_ads_were_salesmen | Well, looky here! Looks like we got someone in the market for a new pair of shoes, hmm? Oh, I just got them, so I'm not looking anymore. A guy who knows what he likes and takes it.
I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, I'm just a door-to-door targeted salesman, and buddy, I'm here to help. A targeted salesman?
That's right. I know your entire internet history. Your likes, your dislikes, your friends, your family, age, sex, location, where you've been, where you're going, favorite websites, and it's all to get you the stuff you want when you want it. I just needed a new pair of shoes, and I got them, so thanks, but nothing. How did you... Oh, I'm everywhere, and a good thing for you. And for your wallet. Now, I don't show this to just anyone, but I can tell you're a savvy customer, so here is something that you're guaranteed to like. Yeah, those are the shoes I just bought. I knew you'd like them. Yeah, but I just bought them, so I don't need another pair. Ooh, boy, you are one tough customer, you know that. But that's all right, you've got high standards, and I've got the high-quality goods to match.
Let me ask you this. Would you like a shirt that is designed not to be tucked in? Huh? No. Really? What about my search history made you think I'd want that? You know what?
Forget about it. I'll bring it up later, okay? Please don't.
Now, we have to talk Doc McStuffins. How many Doc McStuffins toys can I put you down for? Eight, ten, a hundred more? What do you want? No, I don't like Doc McStuffin. I was just looking for a gift for my niece. Oh, sure. All right, I see what's going on here. Now, if you decide you want some Doc McStuffins toys for your niece, come to me, okay? Because I've got all the Doc McStuffins merchandise, McStuffins videos, McStuffins coloring books, McStuffins pencils. I've got it all, and I've got it all right here!
Okay, no. Stop. It was a one-time purchase. Now, the Zach I know would love to donate sperm. No! I don't know what I could have possibly clicked on to make you think that. Okay, forget about it. What you really need is a shirt that's designed not to be tucked in, right? God damn it.
Or how about these shoes? I just got shoes. But these are a slightly different color. I don't need two pairs of nearly identical shoes.
Now, any of these products aren't relevant to you, you just let me know, okay? None of them are relevant. Great!
Now, I saw you click something that makes me think you want 40,000 live ladybugs. I just clicked that link because I thought it was a funny thing on Amazon, not because I'd ever want to buy them. Okay, but you did click it, so you're kind of interested, right?
Is it the number that's the problem? Because we could do less. Maybe 20,000 live ladybugs? For something that's supposed to know me so well, you do a really shitty job.
Do you need to refinance your student loans? I saw you were on Zillow. Do you need a mortgage?
I can save you money on the LSAT! I don't want to be a lawyer! But at least let me show you some baby clothes I know you'll love. I don't need them.
My girlfriend's not pregnant, so... Oh, uh, she didn't tell...
Oh. Oh, fuck.
Well, how about a shirt you don't have to tuck in? Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
cracked | is_marvel_ruining_its_own_movies_baby_driver_more_this_week_in_epcd_spider_man | Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion, the show that gets harder to say as time goes on. This is our weekly unscripted pop culture show where we talk about everything that's happening in the world right now that has nothing to do with news or politics or the president.
I am your host Daniel O'Brien, I'm joined every week apparently by Maggie May. And this week for the first time making his debut Zora, hey Zora, thanks for joining us.
We have a lot to talk about, we're going to try things a little bit differently this time so let's just get right into the week in headlines. I'm going to burn through a bunch of quick headlines and see if anyone has any hot takes about any of them before we dig into the media stuff.
The pressure Dan, the pressure. Daniel Craig is officially going to be back for James Bond and Christopher Nolan may direct the Batman script that Ben Affleck wrote has been thrown out and they're starting from scratch. J.K. Rowling printed her unpublished manuscript on a party dress, Quentin Tarantino might be doing a Charles Manson movie. Any feelings on any of those things? I approve Daniel Craig coming back.
Yes, but also didn't he say he'd rather kill himself than do a Bond movie? He was doing an interview right after the exhausting ordeal of making a Bond movie and he's tired and miserable and someone's like, you're ready to do another Bond? I'd rather break this glass and slice my wrist than do another Bond. Time has passed and either he's remembered how much fun he had on set or this is a negotiating tactic. I never know if he like, when you say I don't want to come back to do Bond, I don't know if that's like genuine or you really need to offer me a lot of money to come back. Yeah, maybe he was just like sort of really trying to get Idris Elba to replace him and then they were like, no, he's not going to replace him and then and then yeah, he was like, you know, if it's not going to be Idris, I'll come back. Yeah, although he also seems to not like the character of James Bond because he's also given interviews that's like, oh, he's misogynistic. You don't realize that he is and he said a bunch of things like that, that makes me, yeah, I think he really wanted to move on. And then was like, oh, I guess there are no parts for me right now. Oh, I guess I could do a Bond.
I'm curious what Nolan and Daniel Craig will do together for this because Nolan, I don't love as a director specifically because I don't think he knows how like humans interact with each other. I haven't seen him like portray like a healthy couple or like happy like brother and sister pair. He just doesn't know what human interaction is. And I think Craig's Bond is the sociopath Bond that can't really connect to anyone and I just think that's a natural pairing and I'm excited to see what they do together. Two sociopaths together.
Yeah. And yeah, also just like Daniel Craig, like just being over it. Like it may be a really interesting take, like on Bond. Maybe he's over Bond. Maybe that's the story. He's an exhausted Bond. All right.
The main thing we wanted to talk about Baby Driver is a movie that I highly anticipated. Edgar Wright's first bonafide hit. We have a rolling dock where people pitch headlines. And Zor, you said Baby Driver, this movie deserves to be discussed.
It does. Yeah. I think it does too.
And I have a thing that is unrelated to this discussion that's been sort of hanging over my head. I have a friend I've known for 20 years from growing up and she said, did you see Baby Driver? I loved it. You would be baby is what she said of me. Really? I don't know what to do with that information. Wait, are you really in the music?
Not more than anyone else. Okay. Maybe it's because you're like the unceaming, like, what me? That's my Dan Amper. All right. Oh, me?
Yeah, I mean, there were headphones. I don't know. I think it's a headphones thing.
I think part of it is like being a theater kid and having that sort of like very, it's a very theatrical movie, I thought. You said it's like a music video. Yeah. It's very much like a ballet to me where there isn't like blocking of, now you're going to cross over there. It's like very specifically the whole thing is choreographed. And I think that idea of like seeing yourself as a hero in your movie. For sure. And dancing through it, that's sort of my vibe. No, it was. It was like a Fat Boy Slim video for like a really long time, with like racing, you know, sort of like fast cars. And that's why I thought it deserved to be talked about. But yeah, it's special. But you know, like it's not the most perfect movie story-wise. But I don't think that's what it's supposed to be. If you look at it as sort of a really long music video with some like sort of interstitial dialogue, then I think it's fantastic. Yeah. I really enjoyed it too.
And it seemed like a natural step of Edgar Wright's. And I feel like he will eventually do a full-blown musical. And it's worth like, because so much of his movies have been so specifically paced and shot and just very meticulous. And like he did a full-blown musical sequence in Scott Pilgrim. And like the whole opening of this movie after the car chase, when Baby is dancing around people. And like you're passing street signs that have the words that are in the lyrics of the thing that is just like, just make a musical.
Just do it. Just just.
Well, yeah, it's interesting to see like all tours like get their chance to make their movie, you know? And it's like looking at Wes Anderson's earlier work. And then when he like really hit his groove, and now you know what a Wes Anderson movie is. So it's kind of like the same thing with Edgar Wright.
We saw what I love Scott Pilgrim. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. And just to see what he does when he gets complete free reign to make his work of art. And also like a lot of people, I heard them compare it to Scott Pilgrim, which Scott Pilgrim is incredible.
But that wasn't a movie that he, it wasn't an original idea. It was a shopographic novel. So like it's hard to compare those two. I think it's unfair.
I mean, compare it more to like, you know, like Ha Paz or Paul. I loved Paul. Oh, yeah. Paul. Remember that?
I did not see it, which is the alien, right? He ended up not directing that, though. He had to back out to do Scott Pilgrim. And the fella from Adventureland popped in to direct it.
Isn't that crazy? I don't know. Something we can look that up. I thought that was one of the ones. I bet we won't. America. Whether he directed Paul or not, it's my favorite Edgar Wright movie. No, I'm kidding.
My favorite Edgar Wright movie is the Ant-Man that was never made. Ant-Man that was never made. The Ant-Man that he wanted to make that. They didn't let him make it.
And then he turned that into Baby Driver, with some tweaks, I'm sure. But there are a lot of sequences from Ant-Man. I think that like the three heist structure certainly was a big part of both movies. I love this movie so much, but I don't think it's my favorite Edgar Wright movie because I lean more towards comedy. And this was like his more adult grown-up movie. It was definitely like an action movie with some comedic elements in it. I still enjoyed it. I came to work the next day like real psyched on Baby Driver.
And the first person to come up to me would be like, but what about any of the women in the movie? And it's like, oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, the only reason it's a disappointment is because again, when a director gets to do his favorite film and he doesn't make decisions to make well-rounded female characters, it almost feels like a decisive decision, even though it totally is from Baby's perspective who is like a white dude. And probably that is at his age, that's how he sees women. That's how he sees people who he doesn't hang out with every day. Yeah, I totally get it. And also, watching the movie, it's like, yeah, the people of color are not wholly formed as well. Jamie Foxx was great. And then he'd, well, I don't want to mess it up, but like.
No, spoilers for everything that we ever talked about. Yeah, spoilers for it.
He just gets killed off abruptly. And that Asian dude as well just sort of disappeared.
And so, yeah, I don't know. There were issues with it. But again, it was from the hyper perspective of a 20-year-old, like, straight what?
To him, those are forgettable characters. Jamie Foxx would be a forgettable character in his narrative story that he's the hero of. They're side characters to him.
And the driving was so dope. In just those scenes with them just driving a Toyota Camry and sort of the money. Toyota Camry. Yeah, that was fun to see them driving normal cars. Because that's what getaway drivers do. They have to drive nondescript. Yeah, got to confuse people and switch cars constantly.
I like that. Because that's a thing that I'm a terrible driver and have never been a getaway driver and never will be. But I like to be armchair expert on anything I do.
So when I watch Driver and Baby Driver, I'm like, yeah, that's what it's like. That's how it is. Yeah, yeah, that's what it's like. This movie's legit. That's how it really goes.
Well, apparently, he was in the script. He wrote in Toyota Camry and Honda Accord and those type of cars that actually get stolen. And sort of like the studio note that he got was like, well, can you make the cars in the film more aspirational? Maybe a Lamborghini?
That was a nice way to put it for the two second plan. That's a beautiful studio note. Can we sell some spots to Jaguar? Yeah, exactly. Because I would love that for my paycheck.
Maserati. But then they sort of settled on a halfway point where it's like the Subaru sort of like racing car that still looks like a street car, but is actually used in sort of like these derby races and everything, which is super cool. And they still snuck in a couple of normal cars. Yeah, there's some fancy cars and some normal cars in it, too.
And I liked every bit of it. But I watched it again last night in preparation of this and with everyone's notes in my head about now try watching it as if you're not a straight white guy whose friends think he's baby. Just try watching it like critically watch a movie.
And he sits in the diner and Deborah sees him. They have one conversation.
And she's like immediately unquestionably in love with him, like down for his crimes no matter what. She's never even like, hey, it's crimes that you do? That's bad. She's just like, we do crimes now.
It was like Ride or Die at First Sight. Right, which is, yeah. To me, everything else was so unconventional. It was odd to have a conventional love story within this unconventional narrative that he put together, although I'm sure he did it on purpose because it was like, look at this cool thing I can do with this normal story. Right, like Southern Blonde Waitress is screenplay 101 boring love interest kind of thing. And they really played into that. And just one of the other things that stuck out to me as a weird romance point for them is that baby and Deborah meet.
And then Deborah's talking to one of her co-workers. Co-workers are like, oh, do you like baby?
Yeah, he seems nice. Yeah, he comes in here a lot. His mother used to work here.
And there's no weird flashes of Oedipal anything. It's not like, oh, his name is baby. And he comes to a waitress where his mother worked and falls in love with a woman who calls him baby. It's just like a strange thing that didn't.
Yeah, I clocked that. I was like, I clocked that. I was like, yep.
I don't know, maybe that was a subtle edible thing. Or maybe that's just something that got cut in the studio notes as well. Like, can you make it like less, like more aspirational and less edible? Right. Yeah, could you cut the love scene to him as mom? Is that true? Maybe Deborah's a Ferrari.
The other thing that you wrote up, because I thought it was like one of my favorite Jamie Foxx performances in a while. For sure. Like he's, I think he's a really great actor that sometimes just, the director's just like, just be like fun Jamie Foxx stuff. But this one is like, oh, you're an actor. You're a fucking actor and you're killing it in this.
But just not given enough to do.
And especially like in second time viewing, they don't give him like a single good quality about himself. Like, he's not nice to anyone. And also hasn't like proved himself to be particularly good at crimes like everyone else is.
Yeah, and then on top of that, he doesn't know about music either. He's like, I don't know that music that you're listening to, baby.
And then Jon Hamm goes and like bonds with him, listening to that, yeah, that queen song. And I'm like, and then he becomes bad later on. Yeah. And I was just like, who's the bad guy here? He becomes cartoonishly bad. Like when, again, spoilers, baby shoots Jon Hamm in the diner and he's on the floor and he like screams into the heavens, you'll never escape, baby! And it's like, whoa, you're like a growly, like super villain voice and screaming weird cliches into the night.
He grew a mustache suddenly in a twirl. Right, yeah, he was very, very big.
Yeah. In that movie. And also, the first time I watched it, wasn't really thinking about where it was set at all. And then realizing yesterday when I was watching, I was like, oh, this is Atlanta? Yeah. This is too white to be Atlanta. This is a really strange. That is, yes, that's, I think like, that's not even an astute observation. Like, it's like, because it's true. And I was watching it and I was like, wait, they're in Atlanta?
Yeah. They must be. If I'm in Minneapolis, I'd be like, all right. Also, maybe a little too white. But still, I don't mind. Yes, it's white. Exactly. Yeah. I feel like if he would have turned this script into a college professor, he would have gotten some notes like this. But, you know. It could have been in like, Madison-less concert. Yeah. Like, they have, I don't know, like the same looking buildings and stuff. Lots of cheese. All right.
Great city, if you live there. Lots of cheese, great city.
Madison now. Yeah, not for people in Madison. World. Yeah, Madison.
Like, what up? Yeah. Well, it sounds like we're out of things to say about Baby Driver. We wanted to talk about 444, Jay-Z's new album on title or however you can get it. Well, Dan, tell us more. Oh, oh, crimes. Oh, okay. I liked it, but I liked it a whole lot.
I don't know why I'm underplaying it a little bit, but I have a lot of thoughts wrapped up in post-retirement work. Like, in 2003, Jay-Z retired. He announced like, that's it, I'm done, and here's a perfect album to be like the cherry on top of my career cake. I'll still be popping up here and there, but I'm not making studio albums anymore. And then he's done like four albums, and it kind of revved me the wrong way because it seems like, and this is just me speculating, he's saying, hey, no matter what happens, judge me by this. I'm retired here, this is the stuff.
When you're making your list of the greatest rappers of all time, think about this. I'm also gonna make some albums that like, you know, maybe they're not as good. Like, just in case I get really bad towards the end of the line, remember, this is how you remember me.
And that seems kind of unfair to me, like artistically, but yeah. That also might not be why he's releasing post-retirement albums. Right, I think multiple artists do it for multiple reasons. Some do it because they really do intend to stop and then just decide to make, you know, an American gangster or whatever because they're super inspired. And yeah, I don't know, I think this is various reasons. I think Jay-Z is so interesting and such like a phenomenal artist that he can put out as many as he wants. But like, I think other people that do that I am more critical of, like, oh, you're an actor who said they were quitting to get in the news and then are gonna do five more pyro movies. And not only that, like, but he. Who are you talking about? I don't know, yeah, so many of them. Yeah, I don't know, like, if you think about Jay-Z's albums in between, like, when he said he was gonna retire with a black album, right?
Like 2003, 2004, to like now, he's put out great work. So you can't sit there and say, Blueprint 3 was an amazing album. So like, to say, oh, well, he can't be judged on that. Like, you want to have that in your sort of like catalog of what you're being judged on. And it was incredible. I mean, yeah, that's the other part of it. He's still great.
I just don't understand why there's a pre and post-retirement oeuvre, but. Because he's trying to be like Jordan. Like, he wants to come out of retirement and be like, look, I did it, like, I won three championships and then leave and then come back and then do it again.
And then play baseball and then make a movie with Bugs Bunny. That would be great, Jay-Z and Bugs Bunny? Can you imagine? Well, he watched that with his kids.
Here's the problem, he sounds too much like Elmer Fudd. He's like, ha, like, which one is which? It's your boy, Elmer Fudd.
I got, it would just be too, you know, it's too close. It's a little too close.
I'm so happy that I didn't know going into this that in your pocket, you had a Jay-Z as Elmer Fudd. Silly Wabbit, you're crazy for this one. I didn't know you were going to bring up Space Jam, I was going to connect those two. This was a purely magic moment but no one planned, I'm so happy.
But 4.44, it's a, I like the, I think you described a bunch of it as vulnerable, I like the vulnerable parts, like there's the one on there, maybe it's Bam where he's like, forget about all that stuff, I'm forget Sean Carter, I'm Hove again. And that's maybe my least favorite on the album because I like 4.44 where he's like admitting to cheating on Beyonce in an album and being sad about it just really affected me, really got me. Yeah, and that, I mean, that song is incredible, like the sample on that song is incredible. And like, you know, it being produced by No ID, like the entire album, it's incredible. Like I listened to that 4.44 song maybe like 800 times, like nonstop, not 800 times, like 827.
It went up, I know. That was the round up. It was the round up.
No, but it was like, it's truly incredible and whatever anyone wants to say about this album, like you could say, oh, it's calculated, it's this and that and you know, they put out Lemonade and now they're putting out like this. Yeah, but Lemonade was just, I think it's vulnerable and there's like power in vulnerability, especially with like the power couple of like America, Jay-Z and Beyonce, them singing about like their hardships is you could just sing about like how great your life is and people would still buy it because it's like, I assume your life is great, but to hear them like be very real with their audiences, very powerful. And he's always at his best when he is vulnerable. Like, and that's not that often with Jay-Z, but like the black album is, he was the most vulnerable and like, that was his greatest album, you know, and he had like this whole like song.
I like Collision Course. A Collision Course? Yeah, it's the Linkin Park Jay-Z matchup.
Oh, oh, oh boy, oh boy. No, but like it was, it sort of like called back to that.
So like, maybe this is like the perfect retirement album because it was like, it sort of like reflected or it reflects the black album in like this really cool way. I also like Rap talking about adult themes. Like in Story of OJ, he talks about, there's like solid financial advice in there. Yeah, and it's like, yeah, he's just talking about debt and talking about like real estate things that he should have done and like how he feels like Dumbo now that he didn't buy property in this place when he had Dumbo. Yeah, yeah, that was a cool, like it's, there's a ludicrous song from a while back called Large amounts, I think, where he also, it's, you know, it's a song with verse and chorus and in between chorus and verse, he's like also dispenses sound financial advice, just like talking about the stock market and like different, like, yeah, Too Short does that too. Where he's like, he'll be talking about all this dirty stuff and like hooking up with girls and he'd be like, yeah, cause you've got to save your money and go to school, like he'll like drop these sort of. Right, may I suggest a 401k bond, that way you can invest in future friends with.
Anyways, pachoo! Yeah, exactly, champagne.
But like, yeah, I think it's worth, I mean, definitely mentioning like that video for Story of OJ, which was incredible and a lot to take in visually. It's a lot. Yeah, I mean, I just, in watching that, cause I definitely saw that before, like listening to the album and everything, but you could tell like what kind of album it was gonna be where he tripped, was like, okay, I'm gonna put out a video that's not making me look cool, but actually like commenting on like, sort of, I don't know, this like, this post-Obama, like Trayvon Martin, like hangover that black people have in this country. It is, it's a tough video to watch and like his voice is really tough to hear in that song, like just the, there's a lot of defeat in it. I don't wanna, maybe not defeat, but like.
It's somber. Yeah, it's somber. Yeah, it's somber, it's sobering kind of in a way.
A lot of his songs on the album. And he got kind of in trouble with saying something that came across as anti-Semitic.
Oh, yes. As well, but. Did he? What did he say? Yeah. Well, he was in, in giving my- You say it now, say it. Right, well no, in giving the financial advice, you know, he was sort of saying like, yeah, like don't blow all your money at like strip clubs, but like, you know, what you really need is credit. Like that's how- Oh, right, yeah, yeah. It was a strange pivot where it's like, you know, what's better than throwing your money at strip clubs, credit. And it was like, good advice. And then he says, why do you think Jews own all the property? And then it's like, oh. Oh, yes.
And he did, he did say in an interview, I'm counting on the fact that people know that I am not racist and anti-Semitic. And I was like, not everyone may know that, however. And, you know. Yeah, but it was everything about that song and that video was overexaggerated. And so I think, yeah, I mean, I, again, different perspective. So I'm listening to it like, yeah, man, drop that knowledge. You know what I mean? But I get it. Like if, you know, you're, I could see it coming across out or something. And also like reclaiming, like, I've studied a lot of like cartoons and how they portray like women and people of color throughout history and like to like reclaim that like cartoonish version that's been like, super racist forever for the music video.
It was very. Yeah, it was so good. Everybody watched that video, listen to the album.
There's one thing I don't like about the album and it's chipmunk soul that comes back. I didn't know how to describe. Yeah. So you hate early Kanye. I do, I do. Just that bit of it, just the over-reliance on that really is grating on me. And I feel like it's gone away for a while. And now with 444, I just see, I mean, obviously they didn't say, ah, it's Jay-Z. But it was that voice that was like, ah, you again. Yeah, I don't know.
It just reminds me of the college dropout, which I think is arguably one of the greatest albums of all time. Do you picture your album, the chipmunk, like singing over his shoulder into the theater?
Oh, yeah. Not a, Theodore. I picture Theodore. Oh, okay. Theodore, Theodore was the one that, yeah. He got it. Theodore knew.
Well, that's the weekend headlines. We're getting into our main story this week. There's a video you could find on YouTube called What Writers Should Learn From Wonder Woman. It's by a channel called Just Write. Everyone check it out. It's about, it's asking the question, is Marvel ruining their own movies with like glibness or self-awareness?
The video calls out like, Dr. Strange, there's a moment where, I think this is right after Tilda Swinton dies, spoiler. She's his mentor and he dies, and he's really sad about that. And you could tell because he's crying, and he knows that he has to like go forth and fight evil now, and he's really sad. And then like his cape that has a mind of its own, just like wipes the tears away. Like just in case this was a somber moment.
No, don't worry. We still, we don't take ourselves too seriously. Carpet from a wedding, don't worry.
And I understand the need for balancing drama and action with jokes, especially if this is a movie that you're seeing with your family and everyone wants to have fun, but as the author of the video points out, this is, the name for this is Bathos. It's named for moments in poems going from serious to trivial. And he says, quote, there's a dramatic cost that has to be paid whenever Bathos is used.
And that really rings true, especially for moments like that, where you should be allowed to be sad when your mentor died. And you should be allowed to be like resilient and resigned that you have to go to this big fight. Like that moment should be able to play authentically without needing to be undercut by.
Womp womp.
Hee hee hee hee. Hee hee hee. Hee hee. Hee hee hee.
Yeah. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I think I like 98% agree with what he's talking about.
And in the video, he first shows the scene in Spider-Man, the first Spider-Man movie, which to me was one of the most influential movies that I saw growing up. And my absolute favorite superhero movie because it is so earnest. Like him actually dealing with the death of the person who raised him and like the, you could feel the weight of every single decision that he makes in that movie when like comparing it to Avengers, where, you know, they, two best friends fighting, but you don't really feel the stakes of it.
And they're joking all the time throughout all of it. Right, they made everyone quippy.
Like there's no reason for her to have an arsenal of like zingers ready to go in the middle of battle. And it's such a strange decision that like we're gonna have all the Avengers fight each other while like doing jokes the entire time.
And like half of the Avengers cap side, like Iron Man side is we don't wanna hurt you guys. We just wanna stop you because we think you're on the wrong side of history. Captain America side thinks that Zemo has turned on all of these super soldiers and they're gonna destroy the world. So Captain America side thinks they're fighting to save the world right now.
And they're still just like, we're still on for poker later, right? Hawkeye or whatever. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely become like on brand for them. But when something works so well, like they're gonna keep doing it.
And when the first Avengers movie came out, like it was so epic and game changing with all the jokes. It was so funny. And before that, there hadn't really been like that much comedy like in a big budget sort of studio superhero movie.
And so, I mean, like I get where it comes from. And I mean, I'm not as mad at it just because Joss Whedon, his take worked so well. And that's become like sort of the model.
Yeah, but also like they're making a lot of Marvel movies. Like they have to, like where are they gonna go but to start referencing themselves and each other and to get super quippy. But I do agree with you that like, yeah, it's nice to have a little bit of sincerity. Yeah, I'm hoping and because they are making so many, I hope that they are open to incorporating both because when they start referencing themselves, they have to have like the straight heartfelt superhero stories. Otherwise they don't have anything to make fun of or make those clips about. So like, I can picture Captain Marvel being like a very important story to tell. And like that's an opportunity for them to go super straight like a very weighty movie. But I also think it's like a trend in movies as a whole being afraid of deep emotion. Cause you're taking a risk when you have your characters be vulnerable, taking a note from Jay-Z, I guess. It doesn't go with the audiences they're gonna be made fun of on every blog. There's nothing wrong with vulnerability or earnestness. Like the thing, and I think we're all in agreement which makes for this very dynamic conversation. It's, I like there to be jokes in movies, certainly.
I'm a joke idiot, that's what I like. But I don't need them to, I don't need them to, okay. Did you say I'm not an idiot? I think you're not an idiot. Okay, then I'm just a joke then. I was gonna, I was gonna say that, I don't, okay.
But again, not one that undercuts like the drama of a scene or the tension or the stakes. And like, I'm fine seeing somebody being earnest. Like Spider-Man was such an earnest franchise. The original one, he was like a very serious about being Spider-Man.
And like those movies get looked back on and like, oh, they're cheesy. But you know, it's fine. Cheesy isn't a bad thing. It's a weird world that took itself very seriously. And that's what I came for.
The Marvel movies almost seem like they think that Marvel movies are kind of stupid. Like Age of Ultron, I think it's most on display. Like Hawkeye is talking to Scarlet Witch and she's like, I don't know what to do.
And he's like, there's a bunch of robots flying around. We're on a city that's floating in the air.
I don't have any sleeves and I shoot arrows.
Nothing makes sense. And the theater's like, ha ha ha, he's right. Like, you don't say that. I wanna have that conversation with my buddies when I get home about how Hawkeye wouldn't really make sense in this world. I want you to buy into the world you're in. I want you to take it seriously and for you to be part of it and not like wink at the camera about how stupid all this is for sure. Because it's not stupid to us. Yeah. Until compared to DC's universe, they have almost an opposite problem where they take themselves so seriously but they do not have the emotional intelligence to back it up. Like there's no reason for Batman and Superman to be like having this epic fight. We don't connect with it as humans. So it's like, what is happening? I'm not buying in.
But what Wonder Woman did correct was it was earnest, it was honest, but it had the story behind it. Yeah. It was just a great script that supported it.
And maybe it's like, and that is the sign of the times as well. It's like we have, we've grown tired of sort of this like too cool for school kind of thing.
I mean, it was fun with the first Avengers but I mean, if you notice, it's like we are kind of gravitating towards more like earnest films and you know, Wonder Woman did hit really hard because of that, but also like, you know, they're setting sort of a ground level. They're at the ground level of their whole just trying to get to where Marvel is now. Yeah, but even like with like shows like Stranger Things and like even like with the glow for a certain extent, like it's people are gravitating towards this earnestness of just like, yeah, like it's okay to be a little cheesy if it's called for. Yeah, I like that at no point in Wonder Woman was someone like, it's stupid that you have a golden lasso of truth. They're like, no, this makes people tell the truth and that's it and that's what you came for but like I'm gonna have an invisible jet in the next one and you're all gonna deal with it. Yeah, so like that's like the SNL like joke of like the earnestness of the world that you've created. And also, yeah, and with the first Avengers, like what was funny was that Captain America was like super, he was like, he was serious and then you had Thor that was like really serious and everyone else and it was Iron Man that was joking. So you still had people that were like, no, I'm gonna buy into this moment right now and the funny was sort of budding against that.
So yeah, maybe they need more of that. I think so. We fixed it.
No, so, because you mentioned the Batman Superman and even they had this problem, they're not Marvel but as seriously as they take themselves, they still in Man of Steel choke when it comes to saying Superman like Lois Lane and Superman are hanging out and he's got the S on his chest and it's like, in my planet it means hope and she's like, you know what we should call you and then she gets cut off and then he goes away and he's like, it's a Superman movie. You should be allowed to say Superman and similarly, I mentioned this to you guys before the cameras were on but like, a feigned surprise, I'm really mad that they haven't said Avengers Assemble in any of the Avengers movies. What?
Thank you. Well feigned, gang. Thank you.
That they came so close in Avengers Age of Ultron, it ends with Captain America, you know, hero shot, here we come, it's Captain America and he goes, Avengers and then it cuts to credits and like, it's clear that Marvel movies think saying Avengers Assemble is stupid. I've read it in comics for decades, it's always a really cool thing to see. It's always a really powerful moment, especially when like, the Avengers are fractured and then Captain America does his rallying cry and it's like, yeah, and you can say that it's a cheesy duo of words when put next to each other but, I paid money to see someone on screen, among other things, say Avengers Assemble. Like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna be like, if you did that, because I'm the joke who paid for a ticket for this thing. Well, exactly, it's like we need them to say Avengers Assemble because we're human and we can't, you know, we have open walls and it's hard to connect, we can't be vulnerable with each other, we need them to be vulnerable and say like, you know what guys, we're gonna save the Earth and be best friends because we don't do that, we need other people to do it for us. It's true, I mean, you bring an interesting point, it's like, yeah, we do want them to buy into the world and if we wanna joke about it, we'll joke about it later.
Yeah. You know, like, that's not, we don't want you to reference too much of what we want to outside of the theater. Yeah.
Ooh. Really, like, out of any of them? Out of any of them, yeah. Interesting.
I liked it a lot, I did a lot of things right. I did not like it more than the original Spider-Man series with Tobin Maguire. I had it just above Spider-Man 2. Okay. As, like, my ranking is Homecoming Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 1, Amazing Spider-Man 1, Spider-Man 3, Amazing Spider-Man 2. I really liked it, but I would have to sort of put Spider-Man 2, the Tobin Maguire 1.
I get that. Just cause, yeah, I mean, that earnestness was wonderful. And this one did have kind of an earnestness to it, but it was, I think maybe the action scenes just seemed a little, I don't know.
Yeah, especially in fighting Vulture at the end where it's all, like, they're on a sometimes invisible plane and everything's very dusty. Like, you can't follow the action. Compare that with the way that Sam Raimi, like, most of his spider battles in his trilogy took place in broad daylight with very clear action. And, like, nothing has beaten that the Spider-Man 2 train sequence as far as the Spider-Man action fight scene.
Okay. It's still great, and you know exactly what's going on, and it's fun, and there are stakes. Yeah, and it was cool to, like, see Donald Glover in this one, though, in a way of, like, yeah, but it was almost like they, there were some things that they did, cause, you know, there was that whole thing of, like, oh, we should be Spider-Man.
I don't know if that was, like, an intentional sort of, like, meta thing of being like, we're gonna put him in and make him do weird things with his hands. I was like, is he gonna, what is happening? Is he gonna be?
Well, there's a big, twisted Easter egg, twisted, a well-woven web of Easter eggs where Donald Glover is currently voicing Miles Morales, the new Spider-Man, in one of the cartoons, and he doesn't want there to be weapons in the streets because he's got a nephew that lives in the area. His character is Miles Morales' uncle, so the film has teased that Miles Morales is now in the Marvel Cinematic Extended Universe, which is exciting. We're still not close to Donald, like, none of this means Donald Glover is playing Spider-Man yet. Right, there was also a hint in Daredevil, they've dropped a Morales lawyer who they speculate could be Miles Morales. Yeah, it's gonna be years later, you know, he's gonna be like 65 years old, and he's like, I don't know, Donald Glover? It's rumors, maybe Spider-Man.
I still enjoyed it, still liked Michael Keaton, I always liked him. I wanted his speech to be longer at the end when he was talking, like that, I think, was the core of the movie, like his point of view, like look at us little people, and I think that was the core of it, and I think they cut it short. It was just two seconds and he was like wasting time. I think they must have realized, like, there's a weird balance of strike between he is the bad guy in this movie, but he's making a whole lot of sense that is really resonating with America right now, like he is, I mean, evil and killing people, and that's bad, but he's still like, rich people like Tony Stark are, they don't care about us, and they ran me out of business, the top 1% is running us all out of business, and it's blue collar guys like us, they don't care about us, we need to take Madison to our own hands, and there's a lot of, in the movie theaters, like, yeah, that's how I feel, and then, oh, but I'm like murdering people. Okay, good, this isn't complicated anymore, good, I was worried. Well, I mean, obviously there's a dark side to that, in the reaction to that, so yeah, there's definitely something novel about that. And it also reflected Spider-Man's journey of him being underappreciated in the Marvel Universe, or as an Avenger, he's underappreciated, he's a kid, he's looked down upon, so I thought that was so fascinating, there was more of that. Yeah, and it was cool to see him, what was cool about that last fight, though, was that he did lose his suit, and he did this thing of like, or he had to really sort of earn his stripes on his own, and that was cool, that was cool to see him all on his own, and to sort of become a man at that moment, of rising out of the rubble, and that was a very cool scene. It's a weird kind of sadistic feeling I get, but I didn't enjoy, but really felt, when he's trapped under rubble, and he's a kid screaming for help, he's not yet strong enough to lift up, and he's whimpering, like I would now as an adult, and you rarely see that in superhero movies, especially Marvel movies, like Captain America, even when he's scrawny, gets up with a garbage can, he's like, I can do this all day, but this is, I really feel for this kid, this kid is trapped, and I'm glad that they didn't take an opportunity to do the bathos thing, like he didn't try to do a push-up, and then a spider flies into his mouth, and he gets 10 times stronger. They let the moment live, and let you be scared for him, and let you be sad for him, and that's why it's a great movie, and we all agree.
For sure. Marissa Tomei, too? Yeah. I do feel a little bit bad for her, because she was really underwritten in this, and I was- Well, women were, as a whole, slightly underwritten, and not in all instances, but as a whole. But it's like, again, I- A little bit Zendaya.
She was fun. She was fun, but yeah, not much depth, and we got her being like, oh, I'm this girl.
You know, which was like, okay. Little manic fixie, a little bit. For sure, for sure, and black people in that movie, as well. I mean, there was Donald Glover, but they were kind of all the criminals, and then there was that African kid on them. Right. They do that.
I didn't understand anything that he said, and I am African. I was like, what are you saying? Can you give him some lines where he makes sense, because I don't- He seemed to exist to make jokes about Flash, and he would just ring his bell, and say that Flash was wrong. I was like, that's just like, what is your function? What are you- Yeah, what is happening? What's your story, like- My favorite moment was when the guy playing chess was like, hey, what's up? It was so real, it's so new. I'm like, oh, hey, what are you doing? Oh, chess?
Yeah, and that kid, there was like a really real scene in the bathroom at the end, when he runs into John Favreau. Yeah. Oh yeah, that was very funny. It was, that was super funny, and I don't know if that's a bathos moment, where he, but it was so real, and being, because I used to teach, and those things happen where they're like, yeah, full-time teacher, and so, yeah, that was a very real school moment where you, of course, there'd be a kid in the bathroom, and you're having this, and you have to wait until- And he's super awkward, he's like, what are they- Yeah, why did they stop talking at me? Yeah, it was beautiful, and unexpected. Yeah.
All right, let's get into questions. You guys have not seen these, I have. All right. Twitter user notquitecool says, you're only allowed to watch the filmography of one actor for the rest of your life.
Who do you choose? That's a hard question. It's a really hard question.
I think I am between several. I think I like Tom Hanks, specifically, because he has a lot of really broad comedy stuff, and a lot of really heavy dramatic stuff, so I can sort of pick and choose, depending on what my mood is. If I'm stuck on this island, I'm sure I'll probably like, let's just watch The Da Vinci Code, it's fine. I can do that. It's fine. I like the breadth of work that he has done. But I also really like Paul Newman. It's okay. I think I would, I think maybe William Defoe, I think. Okay, okay, all right.
I just feel like every time I watch him, I am just fascinated by his face and the choices that he makes. I think he's an incredible actor, and the choices that he makes are so, surprise me every time, so I never get bored of watching him.
And also, then it would include Spider-Man, and. The entire Spider-Man trilogy. The entire Spider-Man trilogy, really.
The movie, Blanking. Platoon? Blanking.
Grand Budapest Hotel? Yes, I do love that movie. The one, the two Irish brothers.
Moon Duck Saints.
And the sequel, All Saints Day. And, well, never thought of a sequel.
Is it good? It's very bad. I thought so. And quite homophobic. Oh no. Yeah, they've really gone in a very specific direction.
Well, I'll leave that one behind on the island. Okay, I'll take it. I won't watch it, though. I'd rather watch one over and over again. So you picked, this is a, I don't want to criticize anyone for anything. It's okay, Dan, you can. You can have the filmography of one actor, and you don't want to watch all of his movies, and you don't remember the names of your favorite ones.
Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Want me to foe. That face way, that face, that face. Yeah. I would have to pick Tom Cruise. Okay. Wow.
Because of his face.
No. He has the most boring, he's very boring. No, it's not because of his face.
It's because he's awesome. As an actor, you can say whatever you want about Tom Cruise outside of his movies. Let me jump on this couch and tell you what I think about Tom Cruise.
You know what, you talk about earnestness. Oh, absolutely. That is true. That guy buys into every chain.
Maybe that's why I love him, but if you're talking about his filmography, if I'm gonna watch all those movies far and away, Jerry Maguire, Days of Thunder, Top Gun, that really cool one, The Edge of Tomorrow. I love that movie. Yeah, that's a great movie.
He made a decent chunk of that garbage mummy movie pretty enjoyable. No matter what is going on with that awful movie, it's just like, Tom Cruise really thinks there's a mummy.
You can tell, it's that earnestness he really buys. He buys in so hard.
I mentioned Jerry Maguire, right? Because it's like the perfect movie. What do you think? I remember you telling me about that. Yeah, it's great. Tom Cruise is just, he's the best all day.
Tropic Thunder? Tropic Thunder. We had one of these where we went through the top 10 comedic performances in movies. Tropic Thunder is one of my favorite comedies in the last 15, 20 years. For sure.
I think Tom Cruise is super overrated in that movie. Everyone talks about it, and it drives me crazy. Well, I think it's because he had not been in a movie for a while, and it was that lull right after the Scientology, kind of like, what? So it was the first time people saw him in a while, and I was like, wait, is that Tom Cruise?
Is he uncrazy, or is he still crazy? Yeah, is this him now? No, he's just... Did we do this to him? Is he a character now?
Yeah, maybe it was unexpected, and there was crazy hype on that movie, but if you look at all those performances in that movie, not only him, but Danny McBride was incredible. Steve Coogan, again, one of my favorite actors. Robert Downey, that thing that they did in that movie was just unprecedented, and I don't think can ever be pulled off ever again. And the fact that they got Jack Blackford because he was occupying that spot of third or fourth male lead for a good stretch of time, and that's where he is best, and then transitioned into more lead roles, and I didn't care for it. And the fact that he went back for a third or fourth male lead and was great in it, I was very excited.
Jack Black, just be the Jack Black character actor all the time in, I guess, Jumanji now. This question I love, feel free to not have an answer, because it requires a lot of thought. Kay Burke1020 asks, if filmmakers covered each other the way that musicians do, what director would you like to see cover what movie? Ooh! Wait, if film directors covered movies the way music, like Bob Dylan did Watchtower, Jimi Hendrix did Watchtower, Dave Matthews Band did, the best version of Watchtower. I would like to see Wes Anderson. I'm ready for a, like, this is now what all the comments are gonna be about on this episode. I would like to see Wes Anderson do either a Tarantino film or something that is very fast and has a lot of action, because I think his movie is obviously, he deflates everything, which gives him his comedy, it gives him his sense of timing, which is why people say it's a Wes Anderson movie. So I just kinda wanna see him fuck up someone else's movie, I guess, in a way. Take out all the dramatic tension. Wes Anderson's Leave a Weapon. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. I thought about Wes Anderson, I thought even though Clue is a perfect movie, I kind of wanted to see either Edgar Wright or Wes Anderson's Clue, just because of the way it moves and how it's already so stylized and choreographed. This is less like, I wanna see someone else's spin on it and more just like.
I want it again. I want it again, yeah.
Edgar Wright, that would be a great movie, is Clue. Yeah, I need to watch Clue. I know, I know, I know, I know. Flames, it's on my face.
I know, speaking of Wes Anderson, I would wanna see Tyler Perry cover Wes Anderson. That would be great. Is there a specific Wes Anderson you had in mind? Maybe we could go to the hotel, could you go back to the time that we were in there? For sure, yeah. Or maybe Rushmore would be fun, because then Bill Murray's character would just be Medea. Which would be really funny. That would just be bananas, because if you're talking about such a different aesthetic and feel and sensibility, it would be bananas.
We have one more question left and no one needs to answer it, because I'll explain why. This is from Twitter user, ifyoucantwell, which up front I'm just gonna say, that's Chris Cantwell.
He is the creator of the show Halt and Catch Fire on AMC. You should watch it, it's good. He's a very bright guy, he's incredibly accomplished.
In the song Taco Grande by Weird Al, he says, quote, give me something spicy and hot now, but then later says, you can take away the hot sauce. My question is, does the character singing Taco Grande prefer spicy Mexican cuisine or not? We don't need to answer this because for an hour and a half, Chris and Scott Gerner, creator of Moonbeam City, and writer on Conan, and Michael Trulian, Clint Gage of Team Tiger Awesome, talked about this at length. There is a tweet thread that everyone should read about hot sauce from Chris Cantwell, and it's just pure madness from people who have way better things to do, clocking up my mentions, but I'm trying to get questions for this show.
Okay, that's fun. Maybe they didn't have a better thing to do, I guess they did that. We're having fun here. The best thing you could do is give us questions for this show. All right, that's all the questions, that's all the time we have.
Maggie, thanks for joining us. Where can they find you on Twitter? They can find me at Maggie, M-A-G-G-I-E, May with an E, fish like the animal.
Great, there was a lot of people who were mad when you stopped saying fish like the animal. I did, I know, so. Oh, yeah. Did you say fish like the food before? Like the animal. And then I stopped saying it, and people were like, you should say like the animal. That's how I go back and forth.
Zora, where can anyone find you on Twitter? And is there anything you want to plug right now? Yeah, you can find me at Zora Bikangaga, just my full name, Z-O-R-A-B-I-K-A-N-G-A-G-A. It's all phonetic, no relation to Lady Gaga, get that joke a lot.
Do you? I do. Really?
Yeah, people were like, are you married to Lady Gaga? I'm like, if I was married to Lady Gaga, I wouldn't be here. I'd be chilling in a pool with my wife, Lady Gaga. You would call me Gentleman Gaga, or Lord Gaga. Can you please address me as Lord Gaga? I should have had that for my Twitter name.
It's cool. But yeah, I do, I'm in this freestyle rap improv group called Dubtown 3000, performing at UCB a lot, so I'll plug that. Awesome. Yeah, Dubtown 3000. Dubtown 3000, thank you for joining us. I'm Dan, you can find me at D-O-B-O-I-N-C, it's D-O-B, Incorporated, and some version of this group will be here next week, and on and on, until the end of time, or we get canceled.
Bye. Bye, America. Madison. No.
Hey, everyone, thanks for watching. I'm glad you watched this on YouTube, but I just wanted you to know that you can also watch this and all the correct videos on your TV if you have Roku. Get the correct channel from your Roku app or from your Apple TV box. |
dropout | twitter_in_real_life | Hey everybody, I'm Dan from College Humor, and this is Real Life Twitter. I think I fall in love with 10 strangers a day. Sigh. First person to touch me gets free tickets to my next improv comedy show. I have 7 Things by Miley Cyrus stuck in my head. She is such a talent. Finally checked out the College Humor show.
Meh. Finally got around to reading Jurassic Park the book version. Come on page 18, it is good. Let's try this new Colgate wisp. And when I want to kiss $9 for organic spinach, give me a break.
Just watch The View this morning, not so bad. Everyone look at pictures of my cat. Just got to New York City. What are good things to see and do here?
fuck it. I'm just going to start calling Gyros Heroes. Guy next to me has some crazy P.O. Somebody get some speed stick up in here. Stat. LOL. I need to get drinks with my girls later. Woo! At the real shack, no DVD copies of Kazam here bro, Rafflecopter. Standing next to the hottest girl ever, but I'm too terrified to say anything. |
cracked | the_ridiculous_truth_about_the_moon_landing_hoax | All right, gentlemen, Nixon's giving the all clear. You're going to the moon.
Yes! Whoo! Yes!
Well, I probably should have said that in quotes. You're going to the moon. Ha ha ha ha. Jim, I like that. So be sure to arrive at the studio by 0500 hours tomorrow morning. Neil, you will be commander of the mission. Well, all right. You know what, General, I'm honored. It will be your legacy to be the first man to walk on the moon.
Oh, boy. That's great. Neil, you really deserve it. Yes, Neil.
Michael Collins. Sir. You will be piloting the lunar module, the first vehicle to ever touch down on the lunar surface. All right. A win for Michael. Buzz. You will be piloting the command module. Now. What does that entail, exactly? Well, basically, you're going to separate from the lunar module in orbit and then just kind of float around until Neil and Michael are done on the surface, and then you'll reconnect. OK.
And then what? We switch off or something? No, no, you won't switch off.
You have a crucial role in the command module. Without you, these men would be stranded on the moon.
My god, we'll drown. Besides, it's too dangerous. It's fake. It's fake dangerous.
Exterior space nights. The American people are not going to believe. The American people. They think that we are going to fire a rocket at the goddamn moon with people inside it.
And then what? A couple of guys are just going to tumble out and take some pictures, huh?
Well, I'm bringing golf clubs. Neil is bringing golf clubs.
See, there's plenty of space for me in the trunk or whatever. The prop masters were very specific when they told me the lunar module could only fit two suited astronauts. Well, I'm not hanging out in some mothership doing voiceover. I could sit in somebody's lap.
Neil? Sure. OK, too eager. Mike? No, not eager enough. Damn.
We've been planning this mission for over a year. It's a little late in the game to just start improvising on the fly. I just don't think my character would be OK with that. It doesn't feel real. You need to stay in the command module because you're doing the selfless thing by letting the guys who know less about the knobs and everything go to the service.
OK, so I'm the glue. You're the glue.
I'm the only one who knows how to do a trans-lunar injection. Sure. Or like straddle the sphere of influence. Or do like a hyperbolic lunar swing button. I think we'll let the writers come up with lingo. Maybe I should stay up on the ship, too. I probably know more about this stuff than Buzz. Well, I'm not going out there by myself. That's space out there. Neil, you're walking on the moon, and that's all there is to it. Michael, if you and Buzz weren't a switch, that's fine. I call the command module. No take backs. Bam! I'm walking on the moon, bitches. Have fun sitting in the wings. No, straddle this sphere of influence. OK, let's do a table read, yeah?
God, I'm pumped. Yeah, me too. God, I can't believe we're going to film on the moon.
Spooky. I'm sure people will still remember me. Michael Collins.
We guess what, guys? We did it. Happy 1, 2, 2, 3, 4, 3, number of subscribers? Yeah! We did it! Yeah! We did it, dude! We did it! We did it.
Clicky, clicky. Ah!
You're watching me.
You. That was all you.
And I made him. And he watched him. Ah! |
CrackerMilk | rugrats_too_grown_up | Hello guys, welcome to the crackable podcast. This is the special edition. This is what you wanted podcast This is what you voted for and it's Rugrats to grown-up.
We have to me Connor. We have Connor here. This is good.
I'm angry Yeah My catchphrase I'm Philip Hey guys, I'm Lillian. I don't remember Okay, yeah, we're the same person we got surgery to join You got up now we got surgery to 25 wait so and you were twins and then you got surgery to get conjoined now We're together twins Scientific term what? Where are your bits? Are they together or they touching or they got sewn on at the bits?
Oh, I just got really really sad news guys. Oh, what's the news?
I see a text Chuck Chuckie's alcohol addition. It was too much. He No Chuckie he was only 33. Yeah, so we got to go to his funeral. Well, I don't really know Chuckie's so I'm probably gonna leave I don't remember many Rugrats pick one any old.
Hey, I'm tired. Hey, it's me reptile Yeah, you mean reptile reptile. Hey, it's me Arnold from hey Hey What happened with Chuckie Yeah, well when he came back from Iraq, yeah you served with him hey It's awesome.
Fuck that. I just don't want to talk about it. You know, it's like a year after what happened What what after what happened with? The angry beavers. It's okay. You can you can you're in a safe space here like it's Really I Sorry, what do you say you baby shut up at school? No, they got their legs Are you touching so much? We're in a safe space here. Like don't you not have hands your dinosaur? I do love me a soldier What what stop trying to fuck up? No Don't look at me that way to the funeral All right, we're at the funeral I'm also the funeral director. Okay, me Philip and Lillian.
Yeah Yeah, so we just just so the audience of this funeral the word gathered here today is aware I Am attached to my sister Lillian and I am attached to my brother Philip By our genitals when we urinate it forms like a water balloon We have to pop it like the there's only pops that we have left with it's like it's like Swiss cheese Anyway, we're gathered here today Mourn our dear friend Chuckie whose Mother was never in the picture and his dad Chaz was a single dad doing it rough Do you think I can come say a few words sure hop up on stage at Arnold from hey, my name's hey Arnold Oh Yeah, I knew Chuckie well served in the 158th regiment with him It was it was good times. It was good times. It was tough. The year was 2001 We just saw what happened with New York we had to go fight It was always tough for Chuckie after he lost his out automatic squadman Automatic rifleman Squidward after he was shot down in a Black Hawk and spongebob surrounded by hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who beat him to death Then they ate him but then he a squid yeah, and that always haunted Chuckie but um Any positives about Chuckie? Well, he's wise and He kept that real nice entire for me Fucking Chuckie's why Yeah, okay reptile heads up to the stage man say some words about Chuckie, yeah, okay look I didn't know Chuckie well But what I did know is that He tasted really really good If you I will say don't look in the coffin It's just a leg I'm sorry Chuckie. Well, look his body was just going to go to waste He was just gonna rot in the ground. You kill you ate him after he killed himself.
Yeah. Okay. Well, you can't blame him That's all right. Yeah But it's also given me a taste for human flesh and I just wanted to say this in front of all you guys now that I'm sorry if I try and eat any of you guys because Deep down I know that you all will taste like so well, it's so so good If you are having an issue with being a conjoined twin, I can help you out reptile I'm perfectly fine I can help you out we can talk about this like we can like I can get rid of one of you guys like I was just I just brought back memories of being on the set, you know being on the set of the show And I assume we're all filmed on the same When we have our lunch breaks we usually like yeah, man, all right, you've had enough we get it You were around the kids. Well, what happened to cat though? Yeah, what happened to cat dog? Oh, yeah. I'm seeing him. No Yeah, well, hey one person or two.
Well, no cuz dog died. Oh So he's been dragging around Around dog See that's where and the gangrene started like he was dead and you want to get it cut off because they're so sent to me So I was like really building up and then it got to like just under his arms We're gonna have to cut him off. So they cut him off They needed a bottom though. They need a bottom and Chucky was in line to be an organ Someone a Chucky saying gonna happen. So shame. I don't know he'll get you I think cat will just die I haven't stitched him up. They just left him on the table waiting for some way.
They can't use angry beavers since the car crash Yeah, although the car crash man 250 going down a highway you're in a Ferrari you go under the you they're going real fast, right? They lose control girl under the rails Decapitate both of them gone straight then rip. Yeah hundred percent Yeah Their bodies are gone. You can't eat them.
Yeah I'm so glad why I fucking hated those guys That's just like such a weight off my shoulders Wow What do you have? So did they have information or something? Yeah, something you need to share with us night. Nah Nah, not at all. Nah, I'd rather not talk about it.
Ah, hang on. What's this box of Paul? No, these are a Chuckie's belongings. He left. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Look I can see I'm just holding it up to the camera. That's projecting on the big screen. Oh, wow.
This funeral was still at the funeral here we see Reptar in the background of this lovely shot of the group shot of all the Nickelodeon shows Yeah, y'all dude. I looked good on that day. Hey, and then here's reptar same photo reptiles a little bit closer Yeah, the same photo reptiles a little more closer Yeah, that's that's odd and now same photo reptiles in the foreground But sort of on the side facing the children and he's going like this, okay This one's odd it's reptile on on the grassy knoll on the day that jf kennedy was Look at this one. He's in the Australian Parliament jerking off on a female co-workers desk in the LNP area reptile.
Oh Look I know there's a lot of stuff I need to answer for yeah And I'm not ready to answer those those questions yet. All right, and that's the Yeah, this is what they wanted thanks for watching This this might go on YouTube. I don't know if it does this was the this is what you want a podcast and it's where we go on patreon and we Put up some ideas for you to vote on this is what you voted for So if you want to vote if you want to not see this and we'll see something else go on patreon idiot Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time Forms like a water balloon.
We have to pop it like the there's only so many pops that we have left It's like it's like Swiss cheese Anyway, we're gathered here today to mourn our dear friend Chuckie whose Mother was never in the picture and his dad Chaz was a single dad doing it rough Do you think I can come say a few words sure hop up on stage Arnold from hey, my name's hey, I don't pull Yeah, I knew Chuckie well served in the 158th regiment with him Me it was it was good times. It was good times. It was tough. The year was 2001 We Just saw what happened in New York we had to go fight It was always tough for Chuckie after he lost his out automatic squadman automatic rifleman Squidward after he was shot down in a Black Hawk and spongebob surrounded by hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who beat him to death And that always haunted Chuckie But um Any positives about Chuckie while his wife's and he kept that real nice entire for me Okay, okay tough to the stage man say some words about Chuckie, yeah, okay look I didn't know Chuckie well But what I did know is that He tasted really really good If you him I will say don't look in the coffin It's just a leg. I'm sorry Chuckie.
Well, look his body was just going to go to waste He was just gonna rot in the ground. You killed you ate him after he killed himself.
Yeah. Okay. Well, you can't blame him That's all right. Yeah, you're just killing but it's also giving me a taste for human flesh And I just wanted to say this in front of all you guys now that I'm sorry if I Try and eat any of you guys because deep down. I know that you all will taste like so well It's so so good If you are having an issue with being a conjoined twin I can help you out reptile I'm perfectly fine. I can help you out. We can talk about this like we can like I can get rid of one of you guys like I was just I just brought back memories of being on the set, you know being on the set of the show I assume we're all filmed on the same When we have our lunch breaks we usually like yeah, man, all right, you've had enough we get it You were around the kids.
Well, what happened to cat though? Yeah, what happened to cat dog? Oh, yeah.
I'm seeing him. No Yeah, well they one person or two well no cuz dog died oh So he's been dragging around. He's just been dragging around dog See, that's where and the gangrene started like he was dead and he doesn't want to get it cut off because they're so sent to me Yes It was like really building up and then it got to like just under his arms We're gonna have to cut him off. So they cut him off They needed a bottom though. They need a bottom and Chuckie was in line to be an organ So Someone ain't Chuckie saying gonna happen. So shame. I don't know who will get you. I think cat will just die Haven't stitched him up. They just left him on the table waiting for some way.
They can't use angry beavers since the car crash Yeah, although the car crash man 250 going down a highway you're in a Ferrari you go under the you they're going real fast, right? They lose control go under the rails I Can't take both of them gone straight in real. Yeah hundred percent Yeah Their bodies are gone. You can't eat them.
Yeah, I'm so glad why I fucking hated those guys That's just like such a weight off my shoulders Wow, what do you have? Information or something. Yeah something you need to share with us. No, no, not at all I'd rather not talk about huh?
Hang on. What's this box of pole? No, these are a Chuckie's belongings. He left Oh my gosh.
Yeah, look I can see I'm just holding it up to the camera. That's projecting on the big screen. Oh, wow Hector at this funeral was still at the funeral. Yeah here we see Reptar in the background of this lovely shot of the group shot of all the Nickelodeon shows Yeah, y'all dude I looked good on that day hey and then here's repta same photo reptiles a little bit closer Yeah, the same photo it has a little more closer. Yeah, that's that's odd and now same photo reptiles in the foreground But sort of on the side Facing the children and he's going like this.
Okay. Yeah, we don't need This one's odd it's reptile on on the grassy knoll on The day that jf kennedy was this has no my god look at this one He's in the Australian Parliament jerking off on a female co-workers desk in the L&P area reptile. Oh Look, I know there's a lot of stuff. I need to answer for yeah And I'm not ready to answer those those questions yet. All right, and that's the end Yeah, this is what they wanted thanks for watching This this might go on YouTube, I don't know if it does this was the this is what you want a podcast and it's where we go on patreon and we Put up some ideas for you to vote on this is what you voted for So if you want to vote if you want to not see this and we'll see something else Go on patreon idiot Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time I'm perfectly fine. I can help you out We can talk about this like we can like I can get rid of one of you guys like I was just a just back memories of being on the set, you know being on the set of the show I assume we're all filmed on the same. Yeah When we have our lunch breaks, we usually like yeah, man, all right, you've had enough we get it You were around the kids.
Well, what happened to cat though? Yeah, what happened to cat dog?
Oh, yeah. I'm seeing him. No Yeah, well one person or two.
Well, no cuz dog died. Oh So he's been dragging around See that's where and the gangrene started like he was dead and Want to get it cut off because they're so sent to me. Yeah So it's like really building up and then it got to like just under his arms We're gonna have to cut him off. So they cut him off They needed a bottom though. They need a bottom and Chuckie was in line to be an organ I want a Chuckie saying gonna happen. So shame. I don't know he'll get you. I think cat will just die Haven't stitched him up. They just left him on the table waiting for some way.
They can't use angry beavers since the car crash Yeah, although the car crash man 250 going down a highway You're in a Ferrari you go under the you they're going real fast, right? They lose control go under the rails You can't take both They can't take both of them gone straight then rip. Yeah hundred percent Yeah Their bodies are gone. You can't eat them.
Yeah, I'm so glad why I fucking hated those guys That's just like such a weight off my shoulders Wow, what do you have so did they have information or something? You need to share with us mate, nah, nah, not at all. Nah, I'd rather not talk about huh?
Hang on What's this box of pole? No, no, these are a Chuckie's belongings. He left.
Oh my gosh. Yeah. Look I can see I'm just holding it up to the camera. That's projecting on the big screen. Oh, wow This funeral was still at the funeral. Yeah here we see Reptar in the background of this lovely shot of the group shot of all the Nickelodeon shows Yeah, y'all dude I looked good on that day hey and then here's reptile same photo reptiles a little bit closer Yeah, the same photo reptiles a little more closer. Yeah, that's that's odd. And now same photo reptiles in the foreground But sort of on the side facing the children and he's going like this. Okay. Yeah, we don't need This one this one's odd, it's reptile on on the grassy knoll on The day that JF Kennedy was assassinated. Oh my god. Look at this one He's in the Australian Parliament jerking off on a female co-workers desk in the L&P area. Reptile. Oh Look, I know there's a lot of stuff I need to answer for yeah And I'm not ready to answer those those questions yet.
All right, and that's the end This is what they wanted. Yeah, this is what they wanted.
Thanks for watching This this might go on YouTube. I don't know if it does this was the this is what you want a podcast and it's where we go on patreon and we Put up some ideas for you to vote on this is what you voted for So if you want to vote if you want to not see this and we'll see something else Go on patreon idiot Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time |
dropout | Gengar_Could_Run_A_Train_Through_Me_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening, everyone. Welcome to the Breaking News. The show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
Shit. The strategy is failing already. My friends call me. Oh no. Ha ha ha.
Our top story tonight, Tonight, the celeb gossip Instagram account Sacrebleu just posted 450 stories all at once with scandalous photos of Ana de Armas getting a back rub from Stuart Little. Mr. Little was seen on all fours on top of Armas' back doing little karate chops into her shoulder. Apparently, while you were out partying, Stuart Little was studying the bones and musculature of the human body. Later photos show him doing figure eights on her back in his little red race car. Wow, I'm jealous that Ana de Armas is a lucky lady. This is especially good news for Mr. Little who is renowned for his bad boy give no Fs reputation.
Oh no! Not Stuart Little! I don't know what I was saying, oh no. Wow, I'm so upset, not Stuart Little!
There's not even, what has he done, what? She has real tears coming out of her eyes just in case you think it's fake, there is moistness coming out of her eyes. There's not even, there's not.
Let me tell you seven bad things Stuart Little has done just to verify. Stuart Little is the little mouse, the little bad boy mouse. He fucked my boyfriend, okay, fucked up, fucked up. Then he ate all the cheese in my apartment, carved a little mouse hole in our bathroom. Every time I go to the bathroom, little mice keep coming in, okay? Clogged our toilet with his little mouse turds, human-sized toilet, clogged it with his little mouse turds.
Fifth, came back for a second round with my boyfriend and I got him, I fucked him in front of me. Six, looked me in the eyes and said, you like that? You like that? Seven, gave me a little middle finger when he was done. None of that matters to me. Stuart Little, I still love you.
In other news, Pokemon! I really like Pokemon, so this is great. Everyone's favorite anime about dog fighting.
Oh. Prizes for the trading cards have skyrocketed in value, especially for Gengar because he is just way too sexy. Gengar? That's right, he's like if Kevin James was even sexier and a ghost. I've got a, oh no. Oh, I've got a wet spot. Hey, I've got a wet spot for any creature whose body is also its head. Man, if Gengar could run it. Yeah. Man, Gengar could run a train through me because he had to really get us to. Oh yes, I'd love nothing more than for Gengar to float inside of me and kiss me from the inside.
Kiss me from the inside. Wow, I think I'm sweating a little, mostly because Amy's making me feel uncomfortable.
A lot of people don't know what it's like to hook up with a ghost. But don't worry, I've done the research and these are the best practices, oh no. So when you hook up with a ghost, wetness doesn't matter, so that doesn't matter. And dryness doesn't matter. Best part of hooking up with a ghost is you don't have to be in any position. They can enter you in any position and you don't even need orifices. You could be a holeless sponge and the ghost could still fuck you. Because they're inside you, if you are able to do some inner work and look inside you, then you could, that's the only way to be a voyeur, I guess, is to be able to look inside yourself. Touching fingers, even if you can't feel it is just a good way to fuck a ghost. Wow, I knew more than I thought about ghost hookups, but not the orifice thing.
We'll go now to Alfred for news about poison milk. Hi, you have to help me. I'm actually Ben Affleck and I've body swapped into whoever the fuck this is. You have to believe me. I saw a shooting star last night from the Beverly Hills mansion that I own and there was a big flash of light. Come on, Alfred, stop playing around. We have to alert our viewers about which milk is going to make you blow your colon out.
No, I swear, I really am Ben Affleck. Or, oh, somebody get me a fucking Dunkin' Donuts and some clam chowder. Yeah, I'm not convinced. Say five more things only Ben Affleck would know. Or, I'm Ben Affleck, I'm wicked smart, wicked rote, freaking, what's that, fucking Argo.
Whoa, I got a big old tattoo on my back. It's a Phoenix, it's wicked crazy, dog. Now say five things that only he would know, not something that anyone would know. Took me 12 painful hours to get that tattoo. I bled a lot, I fainted during getting that tattoo. The tattoo artist's name was Jennifer, good old Jennifer.
Again, I'm wicked smart, no one else knows that. And I love the movie Argo.
I don't know why I asked. I can't verify any of those things. I guess we'll never know which brand of milk will make you tepid.
That is a reverse bidet. It's 2%. Disappointing, 2% isn't a brand like you said.
I'm currently inside a three bedroom apartment where a very boring heterosexual third date is happening between two 26-year-olds. My inside sources tell me the apartment is inhabited by three males who are quote, "'Gonna go viral and cash out before we get canceled.'"
She's currently being shown a video essay detailing why the Snyder Cut is actually good and not masturbatory. And guess what? The guy made the video.
Now according to my sources, the date started at California Pizza Kitchen where the male unknowingly took a bite of a jalapeno and had to spend the next 25 minutes shitting so hard in the bathroom that she had to text him, are you okay? I can hear you grunting from the table. Wow, so much number two in this episode. After pizza, the pair went on a classic date bar, the kind of place where they have cocktails written on a chalkboard and the drinks are all fancy names like Henley, Regatta, even though it's just a gin and tonic. Everything costs $16. You've never been in a less comfortable chair in your life.
They do seem like a good couple though. When he asked her to come over, there was a long flirty back and forth. It went like this verbatim, hey baby, you wanna see inside a two bedroom apartment in North Hollywood? And she was like, okay, I have nothing else to do.
And also, could you drive me back to my home afterwards? And then he was like, bitch, I'm not an Uber driver. You can drive yourself or yeah, better yet, you can get on this Razor scooter that I bought to the bar.
And then they were like, this sounds like a good idea. Let's do this thing. The moral of the story is pound town. Thank you very much. Well, that's all the time we have today. Before we go, I must announce today's loser is, as expected, Amy Vorpahl, and- I don't lose everyone. Okay, we'll see how that goes today.
And as punishment, they must now tell us what's on the entire California Pizza Kitchen menu from memory. Okay, sausage party, pineapple city, ding dong town, pineapple city, ding dong town, big, big potato. |
cracked | 6_weirdly_conservative_messages_hidden_in_ghostbusters_after_hours | The Gaza Strip. I don't know, a Band-Aids that stops bleeding but like an Italian one? Shiite and Sunni.
Oh, it's fine. I think the bathroom is free now, right? No? Pass.
Ebola, a deadly infectious disease. Wait for it. That almost killed Rene Russo in 1995's outbreak. Serious stuff.
Oh, I get it. He knows stuff because of movies. I thought we were just listing underrated things. How did you ever learn anything that didn't have a summer blockbuster about it? How do you know basic math?
Uh, evens are good guys. Odds are bad guys. Division is war, multiplication of the sex scenes. The equation is right themselves. The Tea Party. Uh, modern political movement, advocating loser gun laws, small government, and promoting fundamentalist Christian values. Polypsies? As depicted in 1984's classic Ghostbusters. There's nothing strange in the neighborhood.
Who you gonna call? Oh, f*** you. Katie, heard him. Heard him with current events.
Ghostbusters, Daniel, is a film about scientists and occasionally another guy trapping ghosts in a box. There's no room for your politics and something so pure. Ghostbusters, Michael, is about a group of guys taking a loan against a house to start a small business, all the while getting systematically screwed by the government.
Who are the antagonists in both movies? Marshmallow, Godzilla, and the God in the figure skater outfit. Negro, the Garbatian, and hate slime. Not the supernatural ones, the human antagonists. In the first movie, it's the EPA inspector. And in the second film in the franchise, they had to add more villains because they always do.
And so it was the judge, the mayor, and his assistant. All high-ranking government officials, all terrible people, literally ushering evil into New York, simultaneously tying up our good guys in bureaucratic red tape.
Yeah, but the EPA inspector is right. He sees an untested waste storage facility, and he wants to know if there's any environmental hazards associated with it, and there totally are. So he shuts it down. That's what we want our EPA inspectors to do.
I'm sorry, are you arguing against the Ghostbusters now? I'm... No, I'm arguing for government oversight. In a make-believe-haunted New York. Wherever freedom rings, baby! The point is, you can't just walk around with these weapons that can blink out all of existence if they want and not expect the government to want to know more about that shit. But the Busters are like, Jesus, stop breathing down my neck, big brother. Back off, man. I'm a scientist.
Yeah, and we love them for it. They're our good guys, the only ones getting shit done in a city full of scum. In both movies, the spirits only come to New York in the first place because it's so seedy and crappy.
It's a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. It's Gamera? I actually haven't seen Godzilla vs. Sodomy.
That sounds awesome. Oh my gosh!
In the first movie, Ron Jeremy is an extra, and I mean, he's supposed to be like an average New Yorker. And the worst offenders are the government officials who let it all happen. You do your job, pencil neck. Don't tell me how to do mine. At least the spirits are just trying to read some books to library to eat their room service in peace. But the judge in Ghostbusters 2 takes five minutes out of a normal court proceeding to tell the Ghostbusters how much he fucking hates them as people and everything they stand for. But the mayor is on their side. He gives them carte blanche to save the city in the first movie. But the only reason he agreed to let them G-Bust in the first place is because they reminded him of all the votes that he could get if he didn't let Gozer or the Destroyer kill everyone. And then we learn in G-B2 that he sued the jump suits of the GZBZs, all because they destroyed one itty-bitty apartment building. I say, back off, Uncle Sam. Let my busters ghost. Eh, E.T., real genius, fly to the navigator. The government was the go-to bad guy in all ladies' movies. But the government isn't spooky or powerful in Ghostbusters.
It's just some slap-dick bullshit getting in the way of hard-working men creating jobs. When the G-Bags set up a fake construction crew in the middle of New York City and start digging into the sewer with no permits, the cops show up and they're like, Hey, why? And we're supposed to hate the cops for that. Why don't you let us work, we let you work?
Oh my God, Ecto-1 has running lights and sirens. They're trying to privatize an emergency service. That is crazy illegal in ways I should have noticed before right now.
Plus, they swagger around town in full combat gear with deadly weapons slung over their shoulders. They're OG, open-carry activists.
And then, of course, the mayor's assistant wants them off the street. So, without trial or evaluation, he has them committed to an institution to be held indefinitely. That seems unfair until you realize you just watched those same four assholes force a bunch of sentient beings into permanent prison without trial because it was inconvenient to have them around. The Dust Busters didn't build a trap for spirits, labeled a waste containment unit so they could eventually rehabilitate wayward souls. No, these movies only see imprisonment from one perspective. Get the scum off the streets permanently.
Oh, in GB2, they saved the day by riding around on the Statue of Liberty. I mean, the symbol of American freedom and traditional values 20 years before the Tea Party ever existed. And the Statue of Liberty breaks a hole in the roof of a voidy-toidy art museum curated by an effeminate foreigner. You know, they were holding misspelled anti-immigration signs that could basically be a live-action political cartoon.
I'm surprised you guys didn't know all this. You should keep up with current events. Stay informed.
Hey, where are we to Janine and Egon? I thought that was on lock after the first one. Yeah, I don't know. But there was a scene where Janine zips Louis into a jumpsuit and the name tag says Spangler, and she has to, like, brace herself against the wall. She's so turned on. It's probably a deleted scene where it turns out they have different opinions on abortion rights. Oh, that's sad. They're so worried about when life begins, they never really consider when it ends.
Do you think when they bust the ghost, that the ghosts go to hell? They're basically usurping God's judgment, right? With lasers? Sure, God's fine with it.
I do, because I really just super love the end plates. So if you're like me and you just watch the end plates, welcome to yet another amazing cracked YouTube. Please subscribe to our channel, End Plate. All right, it seems like we're coming to the end of the end plate, but I hope you enjoyed this episode of Cracked End Plates. |
dropout | Your_Self_Care_Is_An_Attack_On_Me | And then Trapp said, don't talk to me until the end of berry season.
Oh, God, we work with so many dorks.
I know.
What are you doing right now? You wanna get a beer? Ugh, I can't. I'm going to a boot camp class. Oh. What? Nothing. It's good. Good. How about on Thursday after the All Hands meeting, you want to get a couple of margaritas? Ugh, I would, but I'm kind of trying not to drink right now. You know what? I just made some lavender kombucha, so maybe we could take a couple of those, go on a long walk. What?
Your self-care is an attack on me. How could you possibly think that? If you're leaving, just leave. Don't draw it out. I can't take it. I'm trying to make a few small changes to feel better. It has nothing to do with you. Please. You think I haven't been here before? Don't flatter yourself. Grant, you're being- It's like in college when my roommate started hiking on the weekends instead of doing Big Beer Boy Brunch Bash. Grant, you're being- Or when my ex said he had to stop doing so much Molly because he was losing color vision. You're being- Or when Zach quit College Humor. You're moving on without me. You're being nuts. Wanting to feel a little better doesn't mean I'm judging your behavior.
You probably don't even have your desk scotch anymore. I never had that.
Who even are you? What's going on? Is this a calendar? Yes. Well, we don't use calendars. We keep track of meetings vaguely in our head and then get a little surprised when they pop up. It's our thing. Look. It's not you. It's me. Always cherish the time that we had together, okay?
But I can't play beef fat pong anymore, okay? I can't stay up all night to catch an insomnia high. And I can't use a piece of a pillow as floss because the floss is just out of reach.
Alright? I- I've moved on. What am I gonna do? Put the beef head down. You're gonna keep being the best that you can be. I'm scared to go scumbagging alone. I'm trying not to use that word as like a verb anymore.
It's gross. But hey, how about one more drink? For old times sake. That sounds nice. Cheers. To a new life.
Mmm!
What is that? It's moonshine. What?
I won it on a crazy hand of poker. I'm losing my color vision! Hey, it's Grant.
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cracked | 4_surprising_downsides_to_being_a_porn_star_cracked_goes_there_with_robert_evans | Cracked sat down with four adult film stars to ask them about their lives in porn. They all loved their work, but, like everyone else, there were some things about their job they didn't enjoy. A lot of people are obsessed with the idea of fucking like a porn star.
Yeah, about that. It's our jobs. There's no titillation factor whatsoever. That camera guy is just like a jaded person who has filmed 3,000 sex scenes, and the people on set, they're there to do their job.
Blow jobs are awesome, right, in real life. In a porn, it has to look really awesome, so you have to be going really hard. You're going to end up banging their molars, their teeth. Deep throating isn't typically that great. You end up not really feeling much by the end, because you're just kind of numb out. Actually, coming is awesome at home. In a porn, it's still coming.
It's nice. But that's the money shot, and that's your performance. So you're focused on, how does this look? Where's it going? Am I pointing it the right way? How much of it is there? But in a porn, that's the point. So you're not as into the moment.
One time I pulled a muscle in my tongue. I was in Prague doing all these ass-eating videos where I didn't take off my clothes. It was just me going down on girls. I had to go to work the next day anyway. It was fine. I just worked through it.
We like sex performance artists slash athletes. It's always like you're fucking one extra person, and that person is the camera. So there's a lot of this.
Before a scene, we'll say, where's open? Where's open to the camera?
So like this, with your back arch. This one, not this one, because you can't see them. You've got to bounce your ass. You can't just fuck. If the butt's here, you're going to, at home, just boom, right? In a porn, you're kind of sideways. So your dick is, instead of straight on, it's... You have to be able to see my ass and my tits as much as possible, like this.
Oh god, I'm too fucking old for this. It turns out porn is a lot more complex than, hey, fuck at that camera.
Now fuck a little better. Good. Perfect. Cut.
And it's not an entirely safe job either, because some assholes think stalking is fine if they've already seen your junk. As shallow as porn might seem, porn stars actually have to forge much deeper relationships with their fans than mainstream stars. It's a matter of marketing. Pirating has hurt us, so we had to become our own salespeople. A lot of the adult industry, we're all freelance people where our body is our product. So we have to be in the people's eye to build fans to sell products like we need to communicate with people. So I feel we're so much more personal where you can actually talk with us and send messages and get replies back. Whereas in Hollywood, we get to see them walk a red carpet that might be the closest you ever get to them. How the hell would anybody ever get to Twitter, Tom Cruise, and get a reply? But this closer connection to the fans comes with a real downside.
You're more vulnerable to the crazy ones. I've had someone follow me on the street and take photos of my back and post them of my back tattoo, which is terrifying as fuck. I've had people follow me back to my building and then I've had them confront me outside of my home. I've had people threaten to rape me, threaten to kill me.
Staying safe as a porn star is made more difficult by the fact that some people don't think porn stars deserve privacy. Inter-porn WikiLeaks, a site whose sole purpose seems to be connecting porn performers with their stalkers. They cross-referenced performer legal names and stage names.
They posted my driver's license number, which freaked me out, but I don't think there's anything you can do with it. I've had friends who have, they posted their home addresses, Google NAP images of their homes, their phone numbers. I had a friend who had to move because in like two weeks, she had two different break-ins.
That's what we're facing here. Boy, that's a bummer. Let's switch gears.
Have you heard the good news about boners? I've been on so many scenes where the majority of the day is waiting on some dude's dick to get hard, you know, to stay hard. I've been that guy and it sucks. I just had a bad day once. I had to wrestle a guy and right after that, bone him, and I just was exhausted and just had some trouble staying hard with a condom on, you know what I mean? I mean, being a man, the last thing you want is someone to criticize your erection. Your ability to have an erection. And so everybody's very kind and they know they're vulnerable right now. If you are not mentally there, nothing works. I know when I started out in my career, I didn't take anything until the days where I started to struggle and then I, of course, used Viagra, Cialis and Levitra and they worked for a point and then they didn't. So as a performer, you got to figure out, can I still do this? For truly desperate performers, there's something called Trimix, a drug you shoot into your dick via needle for a guaranteed erection. There's also a gel form now if you're too much of a pansy to shoot a needle into your dick. Who can have sex for hours and hours and get erections like that and like be totally into this person that they just met?
Like, no, it doesn't work like that. And you know what else doesn't work like porn in real life? Semen. Porn loves. Huge white loads getting on just everything and some stars get insecure if their semen doesn't match up. I have a friend that he was pretty insecure about the color of his comp because it's very clear. He'd heard that if you take calcium, it'll make it whiter and then I did a scene with him and it came out like clumps. Like, just... It's like, uh, ricotta cheese almost and I was like, I'm not going to do the calcium thing. And if any of this has somehow made you want to go out and become a porn star, you should know that our sources, like successful Hollywood actors, are an elite few. You see?
There's a lot of people who are making bad decisions with their lives by doing this. They're just kind of closing doors for their life for, like, a thousand bucks here and there and, like, it's nothing.
According to the only study on this sort of thing, the average length of a porn career is 6 to 18 months. But the nature of porn makes it hard to move past. When I was a librarian, I worked with teens. I studied, I focused on teen services in grad school and that's out the window. Generally when someone says, oh, how do I get into porn, I tell them not to because at this point it closes doors for you. If you're a young person and, you know, if you want to be a teacher someday, porn is not for you. If you want to work within, like, your church, maybe don't do porn. Like, I had a young lady reach out to me saying, you know, she's from a farm town in New Jersey and she really wants to get into this and I was like, okay, I'm not trying to dissuade you, you do whatever you want to do, but here's some raw facts, here's information that you might not consider. I absolutely love my job, but I also have to acknowledge that there is baggage that goes along with it. And as for getting through a porn career with your mental health intact, Lily had some advice.
When you let the world, like, jerk off to your humiliation and to your real fucking bad time, like, yeah, man, that hurts, that takes a piece of you. I let people jerk off to me having a great time.
Hey guys, thanks for watching that video. If you liked that, you're going to love our series, Cracked Goes There, in which we send Robert Evans to all sorts of crazy locations. You can see other examples of that series on the screen, so click on those and watch. |
TheOnion | Parents_Urge_Son_To_Invest_In_Improv_Comedy_Education | Steven and Rhonda Tobin are concerned Chicago parents who are trying to convince their 20-year-old son to invest in his future, saying that it's critical to his employability and long-term success in the workplace. The couple told reporters this week that they routinely urge their son Patrick to devote all of his time and resources to his improv comedy education. We keep telling Patrick again and again that if you don't buckle down and start learning basic concepts like Yes, And and The Herald Now, nobody is going to take you seriously later in life. I mean, I cannot get it into his head that if he's not picking up skills like heightening and object work, he is never going to get on a house team. He has to start thinking about this now. Emphasizing that Patrick shouldn't limit himself to taking classes at the big flagship theaters like Second City and I.O., the parents explained that he should try to get as much out of his improv training as possible by attending improv jams, forming a few indie teams, and doing as much bar-prov as possible to keep himself warm for those upcoming Herald auditions. The fact is, if Patrick were on stage with his fellow improvisers and one of them were to play, say, a super villain who's afraid of mice, Patrick wouldn't even be able to identify the game in that scene, let alone respond in a supportive way. These are exactly the type of tools that Patrick needs to become not only a successful character guy, but a well-rounded player and a reliable straight man.
The $400 per term. This is an investment in his future, and I don't care about the $400 per term. It's just great to have parents that can be so honest and open and really know what's best for me. I gotta say, I had this internship at a law firm, but I quit to do a character workshop and a musical elective. I think this is really going to pay off for me in the long run.
For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. Thanks for watching. I'll see you next time.
Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | film_noir_snl | They called her the black Widow, accused of murdering her 80-year-old husband, her fifth husband, Dad, in five years. I got a bite at Joe's Cafe, then came back to the office. there was something about this case I couldn't shake. you eat dinner early. I like that. How the hell did you get in here? you've been following me. why? your husband is Dad, and I think you killed him. I didn't kill anyone, Mr. Raleigh, Jack Raleigh, liked the sign on the door. I loved my husband, Mr. Raleigh. he was a great man, slept a lot, argued with the radio, really knew how to stink up a chair. sounds like an old man. he was. they all were, each one older than the last. when I meet a man with cataract glasses and pants up to his chest, I go head over heels. So how is it that they all end up dead? because they're old. the autopsy reports say every old man you marry dies of natural causes. what's natural about that? the causes.
So what's in it for you, money? No, nothing like that.
I just can't get enough of them, Jack. I like the way their kisses taste like a cough, how they can't find their glasses, and the way they make love.
Ooh, hold on. ouch. ouch. sorry. let me just do you. I'm starting to get the picture. Is it a crime to want a man who can eat a plum to completion? who begs me to drive him to church and then sleeps the whole time? I can't help it. If the only thing that turns me on is a guy who never uses his turn signal and screams at raccoons in his yard. Listen, you Daffy Broad. you've got a thing. I get that. I just don't know why people like to tell everybody what their thing is these days. Oh. getting angry at people these days, Mr. Raleigh? are you trying to seduce me?
I'm too young for you, lady. I'm 33. I just look older because I'm an alcoholic.
So now maybe you can tell me what your thing is. what starts your engine, Mr. Raleigh? you really want to know? pantyhose. just ladies with, you know, nice legs and tights. But I have a question for you, baby. who the hell is this? Darling, who's this scrumptious little snack? you can't have him, Mother. don't be cross with me, darling. I just can't resist a man with a deep voice and a big nose. of course, a knockout like you walks in the night before my rhinoplasty. don't fall for it, Jack. don't fall with me, or at least near me. Sorry, sister. I like them desperate and kooky because I know they won't give me a hard time about the boobs. now I'm going to take your mother out to the club to do some stupid dances. But first, you're going to give me that gun. Now!
There I was, dying in my office. murdered for reasons that would throw old Siggy Freud for a loop. I guess you never solved your last case. who was paying me anyway? Well, time to die, I guess. that's just how things go in midtown east in the low sixties. |
ClickHole | 6_famous_cats_1_selfie_you_must_see_the_pic_that_s_breaking_the_internet | They are the most famous cats on the planet, with personalities bigger than their Instagram followings. Just being in that room with all that star power, it's unlike anything you've ever felt. We knew we were working with something special. But could these celebrity cats put aside their egos and forever change the world by taking an internet cat selfie?
Oscar and Klaus demanded $400,000 for warm milk. Princess, monster truck refuses to come out of her dressing room. Damn it!
You've seen the selfie, but you've never seen what it took to make it. Until now. I thought these cats would be seven or eight feet tall, but in real life, they're much smaller. This is Behind the Internet, Celeb Cat Selfie.
When I was approached with this idea, I was thrilled, and creatively, you couldn't ask for more. You think you know what you're going to say when you first meet little bub? You just don't know until it happens. This is the godfather for the internet.
The day of the shoot arrived, but trouble arrived along with it. Right off the bat, tempers were running high. Right, it's either little bub or me. You can't have both of us. I mean both of you. I directed the goddamn green mile.
These cats are used to being the center of attention. So these things are bound to happen. You thought this selfie was just putting cats in a room? Not even close. The team was finally ready to shoot, but things were about to take another dark turn. We were really in the flow, and then all of a sudden, we noticed there's an extra cat in the shot.
Everyone's saying, who's that cat? Who's that cat?
One crazed band was able to sneak past security into the shot, and go unnoticed for hours. Hey, is that a guy in there? Get that guy out of there. What? Oh, security. No, no, no, no. Not that one. The other one.
Whoa, I'm a cat. I'm a cat now.
Unbelievable. How long was he there?
In that moment, we failed those cats. The celeb internet cat selfie nearly tore them apart, but in the end, these six cats proved why they are rightfully revered as gods.
I've worked with Morgan Freeman, Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks. I mean, working with these guys was on another level.
Everything I've done since then, completely meaningless. I mean, I have nothing else to live for.
Will Smith kept texting me, asking to stop by and chill with the cats, but it was a closed set. I had to say no. These are my mistakes. This is not the cat's fault. This is how I learned. When my 12-year-old found out I did the cat selfie, he gave me this big hug and said, you're my hero, Dan, and that was the first time I'd seen him in seven years. |
SaturdayNightLive | buckwheat_buys_the_farm_snl | And now, Saturday Night News with the Saturday Night News Team and Anchorman, Brad Hall. Good evening, I'm Brad Hall. Our top story tonight, Buckwheat is Dead. the legendary star of The Little Rascals was shot by an unknown assailant upon leaving 30 Rockefeller Plaza tonight. For those of you who haven't had a chance to see the actual footage, let's take a look. As you can see here, Buckwheat is surrounded by some of his admirers, he had many. And right here, the shots, Yes, there they are, the shots are actually ringing out. you can see here, his security men run for cover. there they go. it's a tragedy. Buckwheat's untimely death has shocked us all. tributes to Buckwheat, the man and the performer, have been pouring in from all around the world. Well, he was one of the best we had. maybe the best American actor in this century. one of them, he was tough. he had a good sense of humor. Nancy and I feel that we have lost a close and dear friend. And to repeat, Buckwheat is Dead. at this time, the identity of his assailant has not been released. we at Saturday Night News pledge to pursue this story next week and each week until all the questions concerning this horrible tragedy have been resolved. |
dropout | trying_to_fall_asleep_pov | I Can't sleep All right, if I'll sleep this second, I'll still get like five hours. I'm gonna switch sides. Yeah, it always works. Oh God the sides even worse. I wish I had three sides Technically, I guess my stomach is a side, right? How do people do this?
I can't breathe. I actually can't breathe.
Oh my god, this pillow's so hot. Oh The cool side I should start putting my pillow in the fridge before I go to bed Wonder if the fridge doors closed. Oh, I think that now I have to check. I know it's close.
It's never not closed No, just don't think about anything. All right. Think about nothing.
How's that even possible? Is that what Buddhism is nothing? But even this is something Whoa, is that a murderer? No. No mom used to say that it was just the house settling settling for what being a noisy asshole That's funny.
I'm gonna write that down the morning Okay, just relax just count sheep. Yeah, what do I do here? I've got a feeling you're supposed to be jumping I've got a feeling Tonight's gonna be a good night and I left the fridge door open No focus count. Just count one two three or Check the fridge. Jesus. Okay fine Oh My god, I put the wall there Jesus, I think I stubbed it really bad return in life. I see this.
Oh my eyes Wow the fridge door was actually open Actually a murderer, oh god quick quick quick. Why didn't I install a panic room? If I die what happens do I just see blackness I'm gonna check with Peter quick But first porn Right browsing and a little squirt there Actually, I'm tired The killer was hiding in the fridge, but we're not. Oh Oh God, oh my god, my mom didn't actually catch me jerking off. Also that dead dad thing would have sucked |
dropout | yes_you_re_too_stoned_to_drive | I am so high. Yeah, my eyelashes are tingling. I can taste my tongue. I can feel all the hairs on my head.
Anyway, time to hit the road. Wait, crap. You just said you were high. You can't drive. No, I'm good. Anyone else's lips like buzzing? Yeah, and my feet feel like bricks. Anyway, who wants a ride? You just said your feet feel like bricks. Come on, man.
You can't drive while high. It's like super dangerous. Yeah, for most people, but I'm one of those people who doesn't even get really high.
Right, Jess? I'm here. I'm alive with y'all. Isn't it crazy that we're all alive at the same time? Allie, I'm chill.
Toss me my keys. Your reaction time is terrible.
Dude, I'm chill. I'm fine. They said I was fine. Hey, you're more than fine.
You're wonderful. You're a mess.
Plus, driving high is illegal. You could get a DUI. I smoked so long ago, it's probably not even still in my system.
Jesus! Where did that come from? This has been here the whole time.
Okay, and Raph, it doesn't even matter if you're not that high. If you're high at all, you're too high to drive. Yeah, but for me, weed makes me more focused. No. Plus, I drive like this. What about the other eye? We're like owls. Anyway, I'm sober. Okay, you're right, Raph.
You want to climb into a metal cage and hurdle 60 miles an hour down the highway? That is really fast. It's like a plane. You know I just thought of something? Cars are like the planes of the ground.
What is going on? Who wants shotgun? No one. Over and over, you keep proving how high you are. Planes are the cars of the ground? What?
Yeah, man. Are you even capable of leaving? Can you even find your wallet? Of course. But I need to find my arms. If somebody could just call my arms, then we can go.
My mommy's face. Nobody ever told me I had my mommy's face.
I'm sorry we didn't tell you. You were trying to protect me.
What is this? You know what? I'm calling you a car, man. No, stop it. Look, I'm fine, okay?
Think of all the other things that I did perfectly tonight. I made sandwiches. I painted Jess's nails. Jealous? They look bad.
I even communicated telepathically with your dog. I don't have a dog.
Yeah, you've been petting your own arm the whole night. There's my arm. And you're still doing it. There's my arm. Wow, that was a close one.
Guys, I hear all your concerns. But really, I'm good, so I'm just gonna leave. And I'm taking this couch.
What? Don't. This is a beautiful couch. Come on. All right, wait. One thing I forgot to ask. Do you guys think I'm too high to drive? Yes. Follow up question. How long has that plant been here?
Hi. Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor.
If you feel different, you drive different. Drive high. Get a DUI. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_floor_snl | You're watching Fox at 9. it's the news at 10. The scary news, But first it's the Floor. Hosted by Rob Lowe and Welcome to the Floor Tonight contestants try to eliminate their competitors and expand their territory on the floor by identifying as many photos as they can before time runs out before the break.
Defending champion David. what up? was challenged by newcomer Alan Pumped to be here. Welcome Alan. The first category tonight is drinks. I'll show you a picture of a drink. You tell me what it is. No sweat, easy. Well Alan. it's your first time up here.
When that clock starts ticking, people sometimes lose their cool. No, no, not me.
I worked in restaurants my whole life. I know pressure and I know drinks. I got this. We'll see David. how are you at drinks? Well, my wife is pregnant. so I've been drinking for two.
Me a name names. No, I know what this is. it comes out of a cow. liquid cocaine. Dude, oh, it's Mark. finally. it's a murk. Great dry Alan, but you ran out of time. What went wrong? I don't know. The clock just started and I froze like a glass of milk. Oh, that's what that was. Thank you David!
That was amazing. what did you think when you when you saw orange juice? I thought that that's orange juice. Incredible.
Well, it's time for a new challenger. and that's Susan from Kingston, ready to play. This category is famous figures. these are influential people living or dead. Okay, bit of history buff. so feeling pretty good? We'll see about that. Oh, Abraham Lincoln, uh, it's Fdr.
Oh Margaret Thatcher pass. It's passing. Love Her Lover pass. I'm sorry. I know, but I just I'm nervous. Ah pass. I know them all. It's my brains. not that's pass. A huge fan of her pass. Go warriors. Pass on that.
You don't know who Oprah is. Of course, I know who Oprah's are just afraid to get it wrong on the Tv Cleveland historical figure. Yes. he was the first African-american cast member of Family Guy David.
You only got one, right, but it was my favorite. So we're saying goodbye to Susan and hello to Olivia. Oh, hi. did you see that last round? I saw that. Yes. I knew all the people.
Okay. I just don't look stupid. All right.
The next category is a tough one. it's famous art or artists, but Olivia says you're an art historian. I am David, how are you with art? I I did know the people on there. Okay, you'll see a painting. tell us the title Pass hole on a half shell pass.
She farted. pass Gay stuff. See, it's hard. no be quiet pass. I don't know. Comfy to hook up pass. Jk Simmons and Cynthia Nixon pass. Oh the Merc made she's feeling all her Merc pass Pass: Mr. Penis pass.
Oh my God, I know that's Basquiat, the artist. no, no, no, no, that's the weekend. Oh sure, sure. Yeah, that was the weekend for sure. I got that wrong. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Jaws | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'm going to be looking at Steven Spielberg's 1975 film Jaws, a psychological thriller about a closeted gay man whose fear of coming out to his friends and family manifests itself in the form of a ravenous killer shark. Hailed as the first modern Hollywood blockbuster, Jaws tells the story of small town police chief and severely repressed homosexual Martin Brody.
In the movie's opening sequence, a young woman swimming alone is violently attacked by a bloodthirsty great white shark, a shark that viewers quickly realize is actually the physical projection of Brody's paralyzing fear of his own sexuality. In his struggle, Brody is aided by his shipmates Quint and Hooper, brilliantly portrayed by Robert Shaw and Richard Dreyfus as two men secure in their own homosexuality, evidenced by the fact that their minds never manifest killer great white sharks. The three gay men make many attempts to entrap the creation of Brody's psyche, to no avail. When they shoot harpoon lines attached to flotation barrels at the great white, the shark drags the barrels down into the water, repression. However, because Brody's desire to sleep with and have relationships with men is so powerful, the barrels always resurface. Never is the thriller's tension more palpable than in the iconic scene featuring the gigantic shark continually slamming his body into the wooden hull, with each and every pound the physical embodiment of Brody's barely contained arousal for the two men in his company. In fact, when Brody's secret carnal desire for Quint reaches its feverish climax, Brody can no longer control his latent gay tendencies and, in the guise of his shark alter ego, consumes the burly sea captain. In the end, Brody does finally kill the physical embodiment of his sexual repression, sending its bloody remnants sinking to the depths of the sea.
He emerges a man, free to pursue a homosexual lifestyle, and swims towards the shore with Hooper, who is all but certainly a future lover. Will modern audiences find the portrayal of closeted homosexuality as a ravenous shark somewhat dated? Perhaps. But for the 1970s, this was an ambitious project, and Spielberg himself was well known for chronicling his own struggles with his homosexuality in nearly all of his movies, whether it was the two gay velociraptors in Jurassic Park or the little girl wearing the red coat in Schindler's List. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | 5_stupid_things_movies_believe_about_hacking | Back in the 80s and 90s, the amount of people who had a passing familiarity with computers was dwarfed by the amount of people who saw them as terrifying, all-powerful robot wizards that we pray to when we need pornography. It was a magical time, because in Hollywood, this meant computers were wherever we wanted them to be. When Hollywood needs to use a magic spell in a non-fantasy movie, they reach for hackers. But when you don't have time to research what a computer is or does, go with your gut.
Assume that hacking is like running and lovemaking, by which I mean, the best among us are the fastest. The faster the typing, the better and more powerful the hacker. Yeah! You see how fast he hacked me? I bet he's trained at a top-notch hack institute, I bet. More like password Sailfish. It's the fastest fish in the...
See? It's not an accessible joke.
Now that we've got the speed down, what does all that impressive key-matching do? Apparently, it opens windows. Lots and lots of windows. Because if the speed of the typing represents the quality of the hacker, then the amount of windows must represent... the... quantity?
Like how much they hacked? Oh shit! You weren't hacking fast enough, so we had to do it for you. That's so embarrassing.
That's like in baseball, when the catcher of the opposing team takes your bat away from you and then whacks a home run. And then... Does that happen? I don't follow baseball. Has that ever happened?
Isolate the node and dump them on the other side of the router. I'm trying. It's moving too fast. Look at all that fucking hacking. To be fair, isolating a node really is a two-person job.
As far as we can figure, Hollywood thinks that every electronic device is a computer, so they just lump all that shit together and fling it like monkeys. Extremely wealthy, coked-out monkeys who are dumber than all the other monkeys.
You and me. That all you got, huh? Come on! Let's see what else you can do. You talking to me? Huh? Are you nuts? Come at me!
Yep. Take it all in, kids. Hacking away computer gods intended by using your Atari 2600 joystick to walk through a dire straits video. That's what real pain feels like. It takes a toll on both your mind and your body. Of course, if you're not a computer genius, don't worry. Hollywood will take the time to explain complex programs to you so you can follow along at home.
IRC. Internet Relay Chat. It's how hackers talk when they don't want to be overheard. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hacker, talk, be, speak English.
Think of it like shipping channels in the ocean. You can't see them until a boat cuts through the water, leaving away. If two boats meet in the middle of the ocean to swap a load of illegal drugs, you have to catch them in real time. Otherwise, there's no evidence of the meeting left behind. Oh, boats.
Gotcha. Some people probably would have explained what a chat room was by using complex techie words like chat and room, but this is clear. Chatting is boats. That's very accessible. I'll set up an alarm to alert us if either name enters an IRC channel. And can we see what they're saying? And leets speak. Ooh, you speak leet? Well, then may I just say, a series of numbers and characters that when organized strategically resemble a robust boner to you. Then, madam.
In weeks, I've been investigating the can-be-killer murders with a certain morbid fascination. This is in real time. I'll create a GUI interface using Visual Basic, see if I can track an IP address. Wait, wait, wait, wait, Cynthia, or whatever. Before you go run off doing that, you're clearly having a stroke right now. So stick around.
Unless you meant to say that you were going to create a program from scratch in order to track a computer user, instead of using what the police already have at their disposal. Or you know, Google, which is leets speak for Bing, I think. And make no mistake, there has never been a point in history where someone has glanced at a computer case and said, Is that a 12-core? 16. With a 10 meg pipe, I need the faster response times for the newer online games. That's Hollywood's basic rule of thumb when it comes to technology. Just throw together some random words that sound sort of computery.
No one knows what that stuff means anyway. And there's absolutely no way to ever find out, ever.
So go nuts. Oh, what up, Tanya? You want to come over later?
My roommates are out of town, and I've got, like, so much f***ing RAM. I'm up to, like, 80 pixels. I can check out my router, see how fine my Y is. Monitors. Mega browsers. F***ing Turbo Tex.
But of course, that scene, wearing a cool guy hacker talk to a girl on a phone, could never happen. Because Hollywood still thinks. Even though video games are now one of the largest, most common forms of entertainment in human history, Hollywood still thinks they're played by social outcasts with the inability to survive in an adult world.
You think you can get to level 10? Detective, I'm 30 years old, I live with my mother, and I have a Captain Kirk costume in my closet.
Or, if they're not geeky, basement-dwelling bags of suck, they're flat-out psychos who lapse into a trance of involuntary video game air guitar at the mere sight of one. That right there is what the land of TV and film think of the average person. We are mindless anti-social nut-jobs, devoid of basic human interaction. But because we possess the powers of a technical warlock, we can reprogram games and consoles into Excel filing cabinets. Honestly, at this point, we'd much prefer that Hollywood just skip the subtlety and make all hacking scenes look like this. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_mellow_show_saturday_night_live | And now, the Mellow Show with your host, Jack Johnson. Super Mellow show. too many if you like. no pressure, whatever. it's like walking on the beach, Yeah. Hi, I'm Jack Johnson, and welcome to the Mellow Show.
Cargo shorts. Joining me on the couch today is my partner in barefooted crime, the very mellow, Dave Matthews. Hi, Dave. hi, Jack. Hi. Ultimate Frisbee. before we get started, a quick announcement. Be on the lookout for Ziggy, my escaped pet gecko in a fleece just a hat. Ziggy is unique in that he can both roll and smoke doobies, and he is very much at large.
So, Dave, I understand you have a new song for us? I sure do, Jack. it's called chicken Panini. I got a chicken panini. hey, hey, hey, hey. chicken panini. hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. a toasted melted sandwich with real marks for two. pretty panini. thank you for that, And thanks, of course, to your freaky fiddle player who looks like he's from the Matrix. our next guest hates shoes almost as much as he loves hats. please welcome Jason Mraz. hi, hi, hi. vegan cookies. So, Jason, what have you been up to? uh, the usual. maintaining my avocado farm and making music for girls and doing a lot of scatting. ski-bop-ee-doo, bop-a-dee. Wow, that is some smooth scatting. scatting is good when you're too mellow to actually write lyrics. Oh, yeah, foot five to that. So, Jason, any new songs? Yes, I recently composed a song called Looking Good. please style us a sample.
I wanna Look Good, So I went to the Hat store. I looked at a bunch of really cool fedoras. I put one on my head. It looks great.
That went down easier than a frosty horchata. Now, another quick announcement: Please keep a look out for my pet ferret, Mr. Coconut. You'll know him by his Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. And, of course, he can roll and smoke doobies. Our next guest used to be very un-mellow but now he mainly just shuffles around in warm-up pants. Please welcome Mr. Ozzy Osbourne! So, Ozzy, tell us about your transformation into mellowness.
You can't fly a bicycle. I'm not an octopus having a crap in the back of a van.
I've burnt my bloody brains out and some mellow. Okay, do you have a mellow song you'd like to share with us? Oh, sure, this one's about taking it easy and having fun. It's called. I am tired, man. Now, from time to time I wear sweatpants all the while hang out on my lawn. What's a greater marathon? I'm taking it easy snacking on Kenukon that was not so mellow.
In fact, I'm pretty sure you scared Dave Matthews. What doesn't scare Dave Matthews?
I mean, look at him, his stupid face and his stupid feet and his voice makes me want to throw up in my hands. Well, this has been fun. One last announcement: Keep your eyes peeled for my pet Komodo dragon, Professor Munchy. note his trademark fedora and Tiva sports sandals. If you do encounter munchy, do Not buy weed from him as it is laced with Pcp. Alright, no, no Well, that's our show. Until next time, I'm Jack Johnson saying hemp necklace goodbye. |
SaturdayNightLive | waking_up_snl | Doctor, I can't believe this. How long has my husband been awake? since this morning. And, hey, call me Dr. Jim. he's still very weak after the coma, but his mouth is moving, and it seems like he wants to speak. Oh, my God, I thought I lost my best friend. this is a miracle. I know. Look, he's waking up. Charlie, hey, it's me. welcome back. Oh, my God. where am I? Why am I not bad? I don't got anything that's going on right now. Doctor? this is very common. he's going to be a little confused at first.
Why is everybody. Who is everybody?
Why am I wearing papa? did you say paper? No, that's your hospital room, buddy. Yeah, Honey, you were in a little accident. why are you calling me Honey? who are ya? I'm your wife.
Okay. not today. Did he say not today?
Honey, we've been married for eight years. let's just put a pen in there.
Doctor? he may not recognize you right now, but the important thing is, is that he's up and talking. Yeah, but he's talking with this, like, L.a. mush mouth thing. I mean, I've literally never heard that before. you think I sound a lot? Thank you, I love a lot. he has a totally different personality. this is completely normal and temporary. there's even been instances of people coming out of comas and speaking foreign languages they've never before.
Can I speak Spanish? Let me try. Saba, Saba, Sama, Sama. sounds like Spanish to me. no, it's not Spanish.
Is his brain okay? let's find out. Charlie, listen very carefully. you measure my life into hours, and I serve you by expiring. I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat. What am I? duh, you're a condom. he's fine. that's how you test for brain damage. Okay, honey, look at this video. this is what you normally sound like.
Hey, babe, made it to Arkansas. pretty cool place. miss ya. Okay, he's the hottest guy I've ever seen. Why can't I live in Arkansas? No, Charlie, that's you. you were on a business trip in Arkansas. that's where you got hit by that Party City truck. that's not mine.
And who are you? another wife? No, I'm not your wife.
I'm your sister. let's put a pin in that. Why does he keep wanting to put a pin in things?
Are you sure his brain is okay? Absolutely. Watch this. Charlie, identify these objects, okay? buh. buh. buh. Billbuh. he's fine. Great job, Charlie. Oh, thank y'all. please. Please, I want my old Charlie back. look at him. nah, I'm less scannier than her. that's because you lost 50 pounds in the coma. Oh, good for mine.
I just don't know if I can handle this. Oh, my God. No cry. you're going to make me cry. Come on, hold my hand.
Look, I don't know who you are. And despite what they said, I can't speak Spanish. But the important thing is, you're my soulmate. and you and I, you and I are going to be fine. see how he's sounding clearer already?
Because no matter what, people, people are way gone. people are way gone.
Do the dumb. And Bear the bear. And that's the truth. Okay, he's backsliding you a little. what do I do? meet him where he's at. Charlie. Never go on time. call her Or her, Or her, Or her.
Really? Yeah. now I'm going to tell you guys. Look, he's waking up. Charlie, hey, it's me. welcome back. Oh, my God.
Where am I? Why am I not bad? I don't got anything that's going on right now. Doctor? this is very common. he's going to be a little confused at first. Why is everybody. Who is everybody?
Why am I wearing papa? did you say paper? no, that's your hospital robe, buddy. Yeah, Honey, you were in a little accident. Why are you calling me Honey? who are ya? I'm your wife.
Okay, not today. Did he say not today? Honey, we've been married for eight years. let's just put a pin in dock.
Doctor? he may not recognize you right now, but the important thing is, is that he's up and talking. Yeah, but he's talking with this like, L.a. mush mouth thing. I mean, I've literally never heard that before. you think I sound a lot? Thank you, I love a lot. he has a totally different personality. this is completely normal and temporary. there's even been instances of people coming out of comas and speaking foreign languages.
They have never before. can I speak Spanish? Let me try. Saba, Saba, Sama, Sama. sounds like Spanish to me. No, it's not Spanish.
Is his brain okay? let's find out, Charlie. listen very carefully. you measure my life into hours and I serve you by expiring. I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat. what am I? duh, you're a condom. he's fine. that's how you test for brain damage.
Okay, honey, look at this video. this is what you normally sound like. hey babe, made it to Arkansas. pretty cool place. miss ya. Okay, he's the hottest guy I've ever seen. why'd he live in Arkansas? No, Charlie, that's you. you were on a business trip in Arkansas. that's where you got hit by that Party City truck. that's not mine.
I'm who I am. another wife? No, I'm not your wife.
I'm your sister. let's put a pin in that. Why does he keep wanting to put a pin in things?
Are you sure his brain is okay? Absolutely. Watch this. Charlie, Identify these objects, okay? Buh. buh. buh. Billbuh. he's fine. Great job, Charlie. Oh, thank y'all. please, please.
I want my old Charlie back. look at him. nah. I'm less scannier than her. that's because you lost 50 pounds in the coma. Oh, good for mine. look, I just, I just don't know if I can handle this. oh my God. no cry. you're gonna make me cry. come on, hold my hand. look, I don't know who you are. and despite what they said, I can't speak Spanish. But the important thing is, you're my soulmate. and you and I, you and I are going to be fine. see how he's sounding clearer already? Because no matter what, people, people all way gone. all way gone through the door. and be in the bed. And that's the truth. Okay, he's backsliding a little. what do I do? meet him where he's at. Charlie. never gonna turn. and you're gone. |
cracked | creepiest_high_school_movie_heartthrob_ever_cracked_cut_ups | I am the one who knocks. Listen, do you want to... do you want to go out Friday? Yeah. Well, who is this guy? His name is Blaine. Hey, you want to go to my house? No, thanks. He's a senior. He's so beautiful.
I was with you. I had a great time. I was in a Turkish prison. I had a great time.
Your love. You know, I think you ought to see a doctor, because that condition of yours can get a lot worse. I just don't want to see you. Throw it away. You hear the same asshole shit I hear? If you can, you are misunderstanding me. What's a big deal?
I like her. This is going to happen. I really want this to happen. Sandy!
Hey, all these commenters that are like, where's Swame, or hey, the sketch is... I have a life, all right? I can't be in every single video. I don't know if I'm in the video you just watched, but even if I wasn't, it's got my fucking fingerprints all over it, all right? So just sit there and shut up and subscribe to the channel and stop asking questions that, frankly, you don't want to know the answer to.
Africa. I was in Africa. That's all I'm going to say. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_194_Chris_Minns | We've got a Christmas special for you. It's not Paul Kelly, that one you may have already heard, How To Make Gravy. That was a Christmas special but we thought we'd follow that up with of course today's guest who is bringing a Christmas cheer into the studio today.
Of course you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooter Advocate and Errol Parker, editor at large. How are you Errol? Good mate, just looking forward to learning how to make gravy in other ways.
Obviously the state politics down south in New South Wales, it's been very lucrative for a lot of people down there. Yeah, very much so, so much so that the New South Wales ICAC is really, it's proving itself as a worthy institution. It's in vogue now. Yeah, it's in vogue and certainly busy and today's guest I guess is someone who is aware that it exists, is aware it exists and is not tarnished by it, which is surprising for a state politician, haven't been tagged with the ICAC. Today we are joined by the New South Wales opposition leader, Chris Mintz.
Thank you for joining us mate. Thanks Clancy, nice to see you Errol, how are you boys? Good mate.
We opened up pretty hot I would say, speaking about ICAC, but obviously ICAC's playing a big role in your life right now because your former opponent has just gone down to an investigation, nothing's been proven. Hasn't gone down yet, she's just merely had the microscope placed on her, albeit briefly. She's made it clear that she doesn't believe she should be the premier while an investigation is taking place into alleged misconduct.
So she's been replaced by another bloke who is about your age and seems to have the same stamina as you and makes for I guess an exciting opponent for the Labour Party in the shape of Dominic Perrete. What is your relationship like with colleagues like Perrete? It's actually pretty good, yeah, no we get on very well. We've gone out for a few beers and I don't think I got a Christmas card from him, but people don't send Christmas cards anymore, but no I get on with him, on a personal level I like him. I don't know if he'd say the same thing. Probably not, no. Who do you think would run the fastest 5k between you two? I mean you both look like you've been a bit, you don't really look like the traditional politician, we've come a long way. To be honest I reckon he would because I've seen him run and he's got more things to run from. Yeah, yeah, he's sort of tall, like he's a big unit. Has he been on the podcast yet? No, no, I should have actually prefaced this interview with Dominic Perrete. The invitation is open to join us. Every time a politician comes on here, regardless of what side of politics they're from, we get accused of promoting them or being in their pocket, but it is interesting. The last politician we did have, we mentioned outside, was the opposition leader of Queensland, LNP leader David Chrisafulli. What's he like? Yeah, he's an interesting guy, but he's in a similar position to you.
There's just been so much news and noise around the premier, you know, Christmas isn't cutting through, neither is Chrisafulli. We can't say that's a left or right thing either.
We're trying, but mate, the first, second, third, fourth, fifth stories about Omicron or COVID. Or a ferry that's got some cracks in it. Yeah, ferries. Spanish tram flu. Trying to get on the news is tough, but you know, we're doing our bit, we're trying and we're in an arm wrestle now with Perrete.
He'd probably win the 5k run. He's quick. I've seen him running. I've seen him in his running gear, actually. Yeah, I reckon you'd probably have him in the goanna pool though. Yeah, right. He's all legs and arms. He's quick, you know.
Yeah, no call.
Now one thing I want to ask you is similar to how we grilled and skewered Chrisafulli and before that, your close mate in the shape of Giovanni Barilara. You are a politician. You are the leader of the Labour Party.
You have the potential to take government in New South Wales to clean it up, clean up the shop after, you know, what has been a disastrous couple of years in the shape of a pandemic. A lot of people out of work, wages are low, cost of living's fucked.
No one can buy a house.
The Premier's bloody, you know, gone missing, replaced overnight in the middle of a pandemic recovery. But the people of New South Wales have you as the alternative.
What do you know about the world?
Well, I mean, I think it has been tough over the last couple of years, you know. My electorate's in Southern Sydney and it was, it was part of those locked down local government areas. So we had, you know, the curfew and worker restrictions and worker permits. And ever since that's finished, you've got a situation where, particularly in Sydney, I don't know what it's like in other parts, like in Brisbane, but Sydney and in the regions as well in New South Wales, petrol's gone up 25%, rents have gone up seven and a half percent, fresh fruit and veggies have gone up seven percent. And wages are flat and they've been flat for probably a couple of decades, but certainly now it's really starting to bite. So, you know, for many people, particularly young people, it's pretty impossible to get ahead. And the, you know, I was talking to notwithstanding that we're friendly, the Premier's solution to a lot of this is to say, well, we need to jack up the GST and apply it to fresh food, make it broader. Look, I just feel like that kind of pushing the costs of government and the costs of living on to people who can least afford to pay it, particularly after the last couple of years, is just not the way to go. Well, just on that, Chris, you know, if it's not, you know, the pandemic, if it's not, you know, broken pieces of infrastructure that's cutting through in the media, it's housing affordability in Sydney. How much of this issue is on the shoulders of, say, a federal government as opposed to a state government? Like, whose fault is it that this has really gone off the deep end? Yeah, well, I mean, you raise the point, it's important that you raise it.
House prices in Sydney have gone up 25% in one year. And there's been no inbound immigration into Australia for two years. So this is a huge, you know, asset driven change in what people can afford, and many people can't afford it at all. I think the average house price in Sydney is over a million dollars now.
In Brisbane, it's about 650,000 or something, yeah, Queensland teachers get paid more than Sydney teachers. So first thing we need to do is make sure we get some wage growth, like serious wage growth, particularly people who are PAY taxpayers, they're falling further and further behind and their salary just doesn't stretch as far. And you're seeing a lot of industrial action right across not just Sydney and New South but the entire world. And I reckon that's not been driven by trade union leaders going, oh, let's, let's go out on strike.
I think it's their membership going, we can't afford to live and work here anymore. It's just too expensive.
So that's part of it. Supply is a big part of housing. You've got to have a situation where most of the housing supply in New South Wales or in Sydney in particular is in the northwest and southwest, what they call the growth corridor. But mate, that's an hour and a half from the city CBD.
And to get to and from work, you got to use toll roads, which are extremely expensive. There's not public transport links. So like something's going wrong here. And I just feel like top to bottom, there's not an understanding of what the economy is doing to young people in particular. I've seen you've thrown around the possibility of abolishing tolls on the roads.
I'm sure that gets a lot of people hot and heavy. That gets people excited.
Would you ever consider rent control? Rent control.
So in other major cities that actually, you know, like Sydney, like Brisbane, like Melbourne rely on people, whether they be middle class, working class citizens to be in the CBD, be within a commute of the CBD. That's obviously there's no tenant rights across Australia at all. Australia is kind of the land.
You know, we've God forgot the tenant, particularly renters. We can talk about housing affordability, but also the rental market is crushing people as well. How do you approach this issue? Because we are living in a boomer supremacy where, as you mentioned before, once upon a time, we also had foreign investment in the Australian property market. We haven't even had that for two years and the house prices have gone up. So that's just saying that there's people that would usually be spending money on luxuries are now just getting back into the property market because they're bored during lockdown scrolling domain. How do you tackle this, this, you know, this God given right for property investors to be assured risk free investments? Well, I mean, it's a big issue.
Obviously a big part of this is at the federal level with Commonwealth tax policy around negative gearing and changes to, you know, the treatment of assets from the federal government. At the state level, we are looking at policies like key worker housing and more affordable and social housing. Victoria does it heaps better than New South Wales. And the multipliers are huge. So every dollar that you put into the housing market for affordable housing, you get something like $7 back in ancillary benefits. You know, there's jobs in it, there's investment, the return for the government's huge. We've got really good non-government but not for profit providers that do an amazing job like in my area of the St George Housing Association.
Just incredible. They do it at scale. They build beautiful looking buildings. It's all integrated.
They're changing neighbourhoods around. So I think there's stuff we can do, particularly the inner ring of Sydney, to change a lot of that. Key worker housing is important as well. So like I live... Can you explain key worker housing?
It's a term I've never heard before.
It's not public housing. It's not... No. It's not housing commission. No.
Effectively, you would make sure that there was housing for those that work, for example, nurses in key big public hospitals. And you've got a situation like Royal North Shore, where cleaners and nurses live an hour and a half, an hour and 45 minutes from their work. And increasingly, because they've got options and labour's mobile, they can take jobs in... Which is a good thing. That's what you want. But they're increasingly saying, well, I really want to spend an hour and a half paying something like five grand a year in tolls for a job that I can get the same amount of money for in my local community. And the answer, more often than not, is no. So key worker housing is something that other jurisdictions around the world do. We're looking at all those things to try and ease the burden, because there's some precedent in it.
If you look at London, Paris, New York, all of them have social housing components in their big developments. New York's up to 20%. And you have to provide... If you're a developer, you've got to make sure that 20% of your housing stock is affordable housing.
Well, until that day comes, the Reserve Bank the other day said there is no way into the Sydney housing market if you don't have rich parents. What would your advice be to people who have poor parents who can't help them in?
Yeah. I mean, it's such a complicated issue, and we've touched on a whole bunch of stuff in relation to the economy and the family budget. I mean, we need to make sure wages get going and can keep pace with affordability across the board in Sydney. We need to make sure that we're not pushing all of the burden of taxation, particularly on younger people with these user pay taxes. In New South Wales, tolls, taxes, fines, fees, charges are all up. All of them are up.
Taxes are growing at 3.2%. The economy's only growing at 2%.
Majority of that is, or a big chunk of that is stamp duty, often paid by first home buyers. So we need to make sure, from the state perspective, we do everything we can. As I said, a lot of this rests in the Commonwealth jurisdiction. Yeah. Now, if I was a young person living in New South Wales, I'd actually... I mean, aside from what we've just spoken about now, in terms of you're carrying a lot of the government cost, and you're locked out. Well, if you're young and you're on a good wicket, then you can afford to live somewhere nice. Yeah, and it all started with Joe Hockey saying the key to buying a house is getting a good job. We know that that's not enough. But on top of all of these things, the intergenerational wealth disparity and everything like that, that young people are having to endure and not enjoy in your city, you've also got the aspect of a police state, really. I mean, cities around the world, as we said, we've got rent control, we've got key worker housing.
What they don't have in other cities around the world is lockout laws. They don't have police dogs walking through pubs on Christmas parties. The kids are not only locked out financially, but they're the most legislated young people in the world.
What are your thoughts on how to make your city that you grew up in, and I'm sure you had a lot of fun in the cross, I'm sure you had a lot of fun down in Darling Harbour during the Olympics. Yeah, right down over the road at Oakey Joobs. Yeah.
How do you just cool off a little bit on this policing, kids getting stripped search at train stations, all that kind of stuff? Yeah, so look, I mean, obviously, it's an issue that it's a complicated issue has to do with not just the policing, but also the legislation that politicians like myself push through the parliament. You know, it's not like police wake up one day and go, oh, I think I'm going to do this today. As a blitz. Reacting to laws that have been passed by a series of governments.
First of all, I thought the lockout laws in Sydney were terrible. And I, you know, broke with my party two years before they changed in 2020. I wrote an article in the Sydney Morning Herald in 2017 or 16 saying, these are crazy, Sydney's losing its importance as a nighttime economy, we've got all these amazing bars and restaurants that aren't like, you know, the solid, normal, safe environments that we're just closing right across Sydney. And in the meantime, Newtown and the casino were a mess. So I thought it was just this massive distortion and spoke out against it at the time.
And I was unhappy that the Labour Party didn't take that to the last election because I think we could have, we could have got a lot of support from young people. And it might have been enough in a few different seats to really push a lot of voters over to the labour side.
But look, good news that that's been changed. I'm concerned about a number of things in relation to the nighttime economy. I reckon it's really easy for innovative, young, entrepreneurial nightclub owners or pub or club managers to get their license knocked over because, you know, you've got a whole bunch of people, particularly in the inner city who demand that the pub or the club cease trading at 1030 at night or doesn't have loud music. So they can watch, I don't know, they can watch the BBC murder mysteries upstairs. And you see that, you know, in the cross and in the city, and it's not good.
It robs the vitality of a city like Sydney, which has always had an element of excitement about it going back hundreds of years. It has always, I mean, I think it's important to say that this has been a perennial argument in Sydney in particular, because there has been that teetotalling element to the way licensed venues and nightlife has operated.
We came, a lot of people don't know this, but we had a referendum in New South Wales about abolishing like prohibition for alcohol. It was knocked over, but not by March, it was sort of, I think, a 60-40 result. And we've had teetotalling politicians that have been, you know, responsible for a whole bunch of restrictions on, in particular, licensees for pubs and clubs for a long time. So it's a struggle, but I think we need to get the balance right. And you know, now's the time to do it because you've got a situation where so many young people are being robbed of really important life chances and rites of passage to go out with their mates because they've had to stay home and live with mum and dad for on and off for two years and not go out on their own.
Yeah. And you know, Sydney used to be a place where, you know, you'd have the Whitlams or you'd have these bands and unless those kids are really living at home, they're going to London. They're going to Brisbane. Yeah.
We had a lot during the lockout laws because you had a lot of young restaurant owners and a lot of young publicans who left and moved to Los Angeles and London and New York. And I lived just outside of New York for a while. And every second person was Australian, they were opening a coffee shop, some corner, they're doing quite well off the back of it. But you want that kind of creative energy and that sort of business acumen located in Australia because I think that, you know, when someone opens something, it does well, it creates three or four other opportunities and people think I'm going to go for it. And then all of a sudden your city's got a vibe and dynamism that Sydney's been lacking for a while.
What is your story? I asked at the start of the interview, you know, what do you know about the world? Can you tell us what it is that inspired you to, I guess, make the interesting career choice for a young man to spend your lifetime surrounded by teetotalers and wowsers and, you know, fundamental Christians in Macquarie Street, Sydney?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, we've got many different people choose politics as a vocation. Look, I joined the Labor Party when I was 17. And I've always liked it like I didn't come late to politics.
I really I found it really exciting. I thought that for my generation, Paul Keating coming through and just like ripping in on the nightly news was incredible. I never really heard anyone speak like that, let alone a prime minister. And then when you matched his, the way he just ripped into the coalition and John Howard and John Houston and all the rest of them with what was a really strong sense of where the country should go. I just thought it was the most exciting thing I'd ever seen.
So I was pretty hooked from the beginning, dropped in and out of politics, worked in it and then left it for a while, was living in the States. And the member for COGRO, who was a friend of mine, Cherie Burton, she said, look, I'm not running, running again, if you come back, you can put your hand up and run for pre selection. And so I did that.
And yeah, I've haven't sort of enjoyed it every day, you know, 24 seven, it's a pretty oftentimes it's tough. And you know, you get a lot of challenges, but it's exciting. And even on horrible days, you never go to bed going, well, what a boring endeavor, you're not sort of putting the lids on toothpaste.
It's exciting. It's exciting work.
And what does your team look like at the moment? You know, you're sitting in opposition, what is the shadow government look like of New South Wales? Like, is it important in the Labor Party to put a minister in the appropriate portfolio, you know, like someone who, who at least has a tiny bit of experience about, say, what it is to be a teacher, what it is to be a policeman?
Yeah, we got a bit of that. I mean, obviously, we got, I don't know, you guys would have heard of G Haddib, who was fantastic principal in New South Wales for a long time, and he's on our front bench as the shadow minister for climate change and energy and emergency services. Also the brother of, you know, New South Wales featherweight title holder, Billy Dibb, Billy the Kid Dibb. Yeah, absolutely. Brilliant. What did he have the IBF or IWB, I believe? Yeah. I mean, that's a great asset for the Labor Party is someone like that, you know, a community leader, punchball high principal, brother of a great boxer, I mean, they're not not going to vote for him out there. No, they love him. Yeah. Billy's a top bloke, too.
But look, we got, I mean, we don't have many people. In fact, I think we've got one from the previous Labor government. So we haven't, we've been very, very unsuccessful politically. We haven't won an election in New South Wales since 2007. So we're not going to go to the next election going. We've got all the experience in the world of governing. We're going to say something else, which is we think that the state is on the wrong track. Half the transport infrastructure is falling over, isn't working properly, cost of living through the roof, the government seems intent on pursuing a pretty right wing economic agenda that I think shifts a whole bunch of the cost of living on the, you know, families, particularly those who live in Western Sydney. So we don't have experience doing all those things we want to we want to radically change the joint.
Yeah. You mentioned you've got Jihad Dib and you've got a kind of diverse party. But one thing that Gladys had over your last election was the success story of, you know, the working class, you know, daughter of immigrants who kind of not only was an icon to the, you know, the immigrant community and people of faith and also, you know, female voters. This next election is going to look completely different to that to, you know, to Gladys versus Jodie, you and Peritay, you've got two young bulls, how are you going to appeal to those voters? I mean, Peritay obviously has the people of faith, you know, he's got, he's on a seven for and he's, you know, he's quite open about his religion.
He also has tax policy to moving forward. That's going to be very good to people who bought houses in the past five years. He's got the coveted property investor vote.
How are you going to appeal to these different Sydney's not, you know, Sydney isn't just a grey city full of very similar people. It's a diverse kind of place and there's a lot of different wants and needs, particularly our West.
Yeah. Well, I mean, look, I think less politics in politics, there's too much going on. We've approached COVID, I think in a different way to the way oppositions around the country have approached it. I haven't thrown brick bats at Gladys Berejiklian or Don Peritay, I've tried to take a lot of politics out of this because I think it's a health emergency, not a political one. So really sticking to the issues, I'm not really interested in marching their ministers and the premier demanding that they resign from office and kicking them out of the New South Wales parliament building. We want to replace them.
And as I said, if you look at a few things, firstly, the way Western Sydney is being treated, everybody that lives West of Parramatta has enormous commutes to and from work. They're paying enormous amounts of money to either pay rent or their mortgage. They're not got access to the hospitals and schools and public transport links that the other parts of Sydney have received. And in return, they get toll roads, which are extremely expensive. Some people, some families are paying between five and $7,000 a year in tolls to get to and from work every single year. And it goes up at 4% each year, every year under the terms of the privatised contract.
So there's a lot happening in New South Wales that I don't think people understand. So on a level as of today, what are the economic circumstances happening in New South Wales? We're going to offer an alternative to the government. Beyond that, my team and I don't have experience in government, but we do live and work in Sydney and we are focused on, and New South Wales, and we are focused on what this state looks like 10, 20 years from now. There's some really troubling numbers coming out of education, for example. So there's half as many apprentices in New South Wales today as there was when the government was elected in 2011, 150,000 fewer people going through vocational education in TAFE in New South Wales today. We're not investing in young people in terms of the skills of the future. And I think when you look at the challenges associated with the New South Wales economy, which is driven not primarily, but in large measure by real estate and coal mining, you've got to start thinking about what a modern diversified economy looks like. And are you skilling up young people so that they can take advantage of those entrepreneurial opportunities?
And I think the answer at the moment is no. The reason for that is twofold. Firstly, the government's been in power for over 10 years, and I think you just start getting stale and myopic and you're worried about internal, factional crap. And the second thing is, and this is reasonable, they've had their head down focused on COVID for the last two years. I'm not knocking them for that, but that is an opportunity for the opposition to say, well, okay, we're thinking down the track. We're looking at where we want the state to be in 20 years time. We think we need to start investing in these things so that we're prepared for major changes. I mean, that is the strongest thing Perite has going for him right now is that he is fighting for the freedoms of his citizens to return to the status quo.
So it's almost like, you know, it's almost like if you weren't happy before the pandemic, you should be happy now because things are like what it were before the pandemic. But I mean, is that good enough? I mean, is that what a dynamic state looks like? Is that what an economy fit for the future looks like?
Where will the jobs come from in the future? And like you mentioned it a few times, Errol, you know, domestic manufacturing is an important part of this, like making sure we've got we build things in New South Wales, Queensland does it well. They've invested in Maryborough, regional Queensland, 3000 jobs in construction, they build trains up there. I mean, if Scott Morrison can come to the table and start saying all of a sudden, I care about climate change, and we're going to have net zero by 2050, then our major coal trading partners will be going through the same epiphany over the coming 10 years. And that puts big pressure on the New South Wales economy, because 90% of what we dig up out of the ground, we export we don't use domestically.
That's an interesting, interesting that you mentioned Scott Morrison there, because one thing that was visible to everyone, even outside of New South Wales, over the last couple years during the bushfires and during the pandemic was how testy things got between the Bereziklian and Morrison governments visibly, you know, there's photos where Morrison's got his fists clenched while he's talking to Gladys and, and, and, you know, the emergency, the chief officer of Fitzsimmons was his name, Shane Fitzsimmons, how would you think you would manage, assuming you win the next election, Morrison also wins? How would you manage working alongside what appears to be a very difficult man to work with? Yeah, he's, he's like that, isn't he? Because it feels like if a liberal state government can't work with him, I'm not sure how a Labor state government will. You know, it's been raining a lot in eastern Australia now, which means in two to three years, there's going to be another massive bushfire crisis.
Well, I mean, that would be terrible, but but not not not dealing with Scott Morrison, but bushfire in Cobargo. Look, I think that, you know, I deal with him professionally. I'm not like, I don't think I'd be a dickhead about it. Like, you've got an obligation, if you're the Premier of New South Wales to work with whomever the voters throw up, like, who am I to say, he shouldn't be promised.
I know who I'm going to vote for when the elections in May, but if the other side get more votes, then our Federation kind of works like that. You just got to put it to one side. But it's interesting.
They do seem to all hate each other. And I think that's, you know, in New South Wales, we haven't had a state or federal government from the Labor Party since 2013. And I don't think the joints been fixed. And in many ways, it's declined substantially. And I think for a lot of people, they're further behind today than they were when all these guys got elected. So I think the answer isn't for these guys to keep fighting each other and for all of us to be following the you know, the ins and outs of their personal relationship which is obviously bad.
My sense is, try something new, you know, get get behind new people and new ideas to get the state going. Just quickly before we go, Chris, unfortunately, for, for every New South Wales state government, they are also tasked with the job of governing regional New South Wales. And you know, in the past, you know, as as we were saying over the past decade or so that's been left up to the National Party and people of that cloth. Why should anyone in regional New South Wales vote for the Labor Party? I mean, could they do an even worse job than what the National Party now? Look, I don't think so. I mean, the National Party again, Liberal Party have been in power for that period of time. They've been in partnership with the National Party.
They had a former leader who was bombastic and bludger than life and a bit of a rogue every now and then. Before he disappeared. Before he just scrambled out of New South Wales in the middle of the night.
No, I mean, it's funny thing in regional New South Wales. I've been out there a fair bit. I'm a Sydney boy, so I'm not pretending that, you know, I've got some special connection with the bush I don't. But I met a bloke in Braidwood, not far from Queanbeyan, about an hour out of Queanbeyan.
Where they filmed the original Ned Kelly picture of starring Mick Jagger.
Is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a historical town. It's where Canberra people get their second coffee on their way to Bateman's Bay. Yeah, I'm one of the coffee shop there. It's very good.
Anyway, this fellow was saying, live there for 20 years, first 15 years, just managing decline. Kids get up, leave. The council was pretty slow. Everybody was just sort of like in a bit of a daze. The last five years, complete opposite. And I think it's been driven by baby boomers going, I don't need to live in Sydney anymore. Tree change.
Tech. Tech being quick. And, you know, computers meaning that you can talk with your boss and live anywhere.
And then supercharged by COVID. So he said the last five years, it's the exact opposite. Can't find people to work in any of the shops, infrastructure not keeping pace with growing population, and nowhere to live and not enough nurses and frontline workers.
So he was sort of pitching it as this is a big opportunity for regional New South Wales. We've seen, rather than all of these towns looking, you know, sad and worried about how many people are leaving every week, we're seeing the opposite, but it does require government to keep pace, make sure that when, for example, a young person opens a business, the planning approvals are done quickly, that they're not just sitting on someone's desk for weeks and weeks and weeks, so that, you know, that kind of entrepreneurial spirit, which I think is alive and well in New South Wales, doesn't get snuffed out by people believing, oh, well, we do things slowly here. Now, there's some towns that get it and are on fire, in fact, many of them. But I think the challenge for government is to make sure that we, you know, kindle that fire and it keeps going.
Can you just quickly tell me the difference between Cogra and where you're born and raised and Cronulla? It is very close, and I feel like the people vote very differently across that bridge. Yeah, well, it's a bridge, so it's Captain Cook Bridge and Tom Ugly's Bridge separate St. George from the Shire, my wife's from Cronulla, she grew up in Ewos Parade in Cronulla, and I grew up in Pennshurst, which is in St. George, late next door to where we live now, but separated by a million miles, I don't know, I mean, I just think it's sort of the way Sydney kind of grows up. You're right, it's not a homogenous joint, like, you can travel across a bridge and it can be vastly, vastly different between one community to the next, vote different, have a different kind of demographic, have a different outlook on the world.
Dragons, sharks. Yeah. Your dragons? Nope.
I go for the bulldogs. Right. I've got the most marginal seat in the country, I'm a member for Cogra, but I go for the bulldogs because you can't change teams against the rules. Okay, they can't across the bridge apparently. Yeah, right. If you grew up in Coogee, you can change teams, but other than that, you can't do it.
Well, the Roosters did go through a bit of a rough patch for about 10 years, didn't they? I wonder if he loses. They were no longer cool, but in saying that, he did go from the Roosters into the Waratahs. Did he? Always been a Tarsman. Maybe he'll, if he loses, he'll just go back to Coogee, start going for the Roosters.
Wouldn't that be crazy? That'd be a bit of a bull.
If he loses, he's never ever going to force himself to watch a match of sport again.
Really? I think he'll be, yeah. No, I don't think he enjoys it. Child actor, did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, it makes sense. There's a bit of Roman Roy about him, don't you reckon? A bit of Kieran Culkin. 5.30 workouts, are you here at 5.30? Yeah.
Okay, well, that was an interesting chat. We're not even going to go into the Murdoch Royal Commission because we're running short on time and we know that we mentioned before, not much cut through for opposition leaders in the pandemic and Sky are giving you a bit of love, so we won't make you throw them under the bus just yet.
We'll throw that one to Albo when we speak to him next. Yeah, when's Albo coming in? Albo's come, he came in, but- Albo's been in a few times. Things were very different when Albo came in.
I think the pandemic hadn't really, I mean, they hadn't really found their talking points on either side of the aisle. At that point, we were still in the JobKeeper Mary, that kind of political climate that we were in where everyone was kind of happy and we actually managed to end poverty. That was interesting.
And if Albo wants to talk to you, you leave your phones on the bench down at Marrickville Golf Club and you walk the 17th with him in Toto. Is that his dog's name? Yeah. I've got to follow him on Instagram because he's got a big dog game on Instagram. Does he? Yeah, no. He's not familiar with that. The other day, he went to a dog's birthday in Marrickville and he put it on his Instagram.
Just like every other Australian does, don't they? That's right. Well, we'll finish this by re-extending that invitation to Perotay. We've got to have both here and we would like to pair the two of you up. And I guess, how long until the state of New South Wales pairs the two of you up? Yeah, so we've got fixed elections.
So it's March, I can't remember that. March 2023.
Okay. Right around the corner. Well, all the best over the next year and yeah, we'll be in touch. Nice to see you boys. Thanks for coming on. |
SaturdayNightLive | christmas_in_australia_snl | Christmas. it's a joyous time of the year, Christmas, when millions of people around the globe celebrate in a variety of ways. Here in America, children are visited by Santa Claus, a magical fat man from the North Pole who slides down the chimney, leaves presents under a tree. But in Australia, where I'm from, instead of Santa Claus, we were visited by the Christmas Kangaroo, who brought gifts for all the boys and girls. But the Christmas Kangaroo wouldn't just give you the gifts. See, we Australians are a rough-and-tumble bunch. And this kangaroo lived by a code. your father would have to fight him for the gifts. sometimes the fights would turn nasty. but when your dad won, you would get anything you wanted. Christmas was my favourite time of the year. I always look forward to the return of the Christmas Kangaroo.
But then when I was 12, tragedy struck, my dad lost the fight. when the kangaroo won, it was pretty much up to him What happened next, more times than not. that meant we didn't get presents. and my dad got sodomised. It was a rough time around the Jackman Homestead. I thought things would get better next Christmas, but no, my father ended up losing the next four years in a row. it was horrible. after a while, I questioned if my dad was even trying to win. damn, looks like you win. Again, kids, go get him a scotch and serve him. I mean, sure, sure, the Kangaroo gave us gifts, but I just felt dirty accepting them. it seemed like a hell of a price to pay, just so I could have a sweater fest, you know. Luckily, when I was 17, after a five-year winning streak, the Kangaroo lost.
Hello, Freckles. No! you killed freckles! I mean, yay, it's over.
And that's how the Christmas Kangaroo's reign of terror ended. Now, on Christmas morning, all the Australian boys and girls might not get toys, but they spared the horror of watching a giant marsupial take their old man to Browntown. And isn't that what Christmas is all about? Happy holidays, everybody! |
cracked | 9_celebrity_freak_outs_that_were_totally_justified | There's something oddly satisfying about seeing a famous person completely losing their shit. Reducing themselves to a ballistic mass of rage-aholic douchebaggery and basically giving us a good reason to hate them for all the success that we... gave them? Usually when they were too young to know what they were getting into? It's a vicious, psychologically destructive cycle and we can't get enough of it.
So let's change it up a bit. Here are some celebrity freakouts that actually seem pretty justified... to me. There's a moment in every movie's promotion tour when interviewers start running out of questions and that moment happens fucking immediately. Maybe I'm just a wrong audience for this type of thing, but I've generally already decided whether or not I'm going to see a movie before I see one mildly attractive person ask, oh my god, how is this thing that you can't have a bad opinion about without severely damaging your career? And a more attractive person replying, it was good things! So I can understand why an interview may feel the need to spice things up. But I don't think this was the right way to do it.
Now were you able to wear undergarments? You're like the fifth person that's asking that thing. Well no, because... What is going on? Since when did people start asking each other about an interview about their underwear? Oh, that guy sure learned his lesson. Oh wait.
What was that suit like? It had to be comfortable to wear, but it looked like it was so form-fitting, wasn't it?
This guy's amazing. Part of his job is finding out if Anne Hathaway wore underwear under her Catwoman costume or not. But he can't just ask because everyone will make fun of him on Twitter again, so he has to dance around it. Can he make it work? This is like a sporting event.
You are in phenomenal shape. Thank you. You're very... Precious. You were in great shape. But you had to make sure you were in perfect shape for this one, didn't you?
Is there a certain... What is the feline fitness regime?
And then Shakespeare's wife comes back with an epic zinger.
Are you trying to lose weight? What do you want?
Are you trying to fit into a cat suit? But before you give her too much credit for that, remember that she had a lot of time to come up with it. How do you fit into that suit?
You're in phenomenal shape right now. How much weight have you lost to get into this shape right now? Getting in shape. You know, you're in great shape and you look always fantastic.
I think your movement work is just brilliant in the film. Thank you. How did you get in touch with your kind of inner-kitty? Look at that body. Your body's banging, girl. Now that we've watched a studio audience applaud a woman's banging body as she walks on stage like they're a bunch of drunk frat boys hanging out the passenger window of their friend's dad's Escalade, let's see how we manage to screw up interviews with dudes.
What you said to the New York Times once was, you can't go from a $2,000 a night hotel suite to a penitentiary and understand it and come out a liberal. And I just wondered what you meant by that. Hey, buddy. Love your new movie about punching a robot you made with a robot suit while newer robot punches older robots. Mind if we talk about small-l liberalism, addiction, and your relationship with your father? And this is after the same guy did the same thing to Quentin Tarantino.
It's not my job to flesh it out. No, it's my job to try and ask you to. And I'm shutting your butt down.
Back when that video came out, we all just assumed that Quentin Tarantino was being the same kind of turd burglar he's always been. Cat Quentin, you're as good as petty Chiesky. But no, it turns out he was reacting appropriately to being interviewed by a wormy little goblin man.
According to a brief poll on the internet, the average Game of Thrones fans would happily flay their own mother and graphically defile the comic relief member of their friend group just to find out what happens next on this fucking TV show. So once they realize that author George R.R. Martin has two more books to go, generally takes about a decade to finish each one and is 76 million years old, they begin to wonder, what if he's going to die? That would be just as bad as that time their favorite video game company went out of business. So what does George have to say about that? I find that question pretty offensive, frankly, when people start speculating about my death and my health. So, fuck you to those people. Oh, right, because he's a human being and his death will leave an unfillable void in the world for all his friends and family, the emotional impact of which will dwarf the collective disappointment we'll feel for not getting closure for our favorite novel about dragons and people putting things inside of other people.
Why would you do that? At the risk of saying something that no human being has said before, I applaud Tom Cruise's restraint here. If a good friend of mine surprised me, I'd be forced to open up a can of murder on him. Or I would at very least slap him across the face, like in this video. Oh, my god, a dream that you're going to leave. Hey, oh, man, what the hell is your problem, buddy? The amazing thing about that interview is how Will Smith managed to slap someone and still be the most charming man in the world about it. What are you doing, man?
I'm sorry. Will you date my daughter?
It's cool, man. Don't worry about it. That's just how we do things here. Welcome to Earth. As a rule, I don't like when people resort to violence because we're a civilized society, and our ability to use words is always preventing the ants from taking over. But then again, there are times when it's kind of awesome.
You know, because you've been talking like this behind my back for a long time. But now I said it right here. Right. We got no problem with that. I think that you probably won't say it again. I bet I do. OK.
Chris? Some background. After Jim Everett played a football game very badly while wearing many sacks, Talk 2 host Jim Romes started calling him Chris in reference to a female tennis player, Chris Everett, thereby comparing him to a woman, thereby mocking and dehumanizing him. So basically, we have a dweeby wannabe jock calling an actual jock a girl's name.
And it kind of doesn't matter who wins this fight, because this has been my favorite thing to watch happen since I was 12 years old. And hey, just for tickles, let's revisit that Christian Bale one.
No! Don't shut me up! Am I going to walk around and rip your fucking lights down?
When that audio leaked, everyone just assumed that Bale was being your standard diva. But let's look at what we know really happened here. The director of photography, Shane Hurlbut, walked through Bale's sight line during a quiet acting heavy scene that was apparently cut from Terminator Salvation. That's kind of a big deal. You're not supposed to do that during a scene because the actor can get distracted when the actor gets distracted in the scene's ruin. And they have to do it again. And that's not just Bale's problem. It's everyone's problem, because everyone has to be there in the baking New Mexico sun until Bale gets it right. That's probably why, under the condition of anonymity, members of the crew said that Bale was kind of right to freak out about it, because they just wanted to move on to the next scene and go home. And that one guy, not Bale, was fucking it up. And then the director, MCG, made his apology.
It was for letting the story leak in the first place and embarrassing everyone. My point is that it's obviously not cool to tell someone that when they were born, the coyotes accidentally stole the baby. And they're just a pile of afterbirth that's been raised as a human being and no one noticed until just now. But you can see where he's coming from.
Hey, lurk and subscribe. Really? Mark, like and subscribe, Josh. Like, Josh. How many years have you been doing this, Josh? Be a professional, Josh. It's like and subscribe. Sorry, Abe. I was just trying to. Like and subscribe. It's like and subscribe, Josh. |
cracked | we_remade_the_star_wars_the_last_jedi_throne_room_fight_for_20 | I see his mind. It's really weird. I see his every intent. Yes. I see him turning the lightsaber to kill the ugliest person in the room. And now, foolish child. He ignites him tremendously. Me? Mmm f**k. Get over here!
Do we need to die if our boss is already dead? It's actually your turn. Oh great.
Heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh!
Oh! Finn, the fleet! There's still time to save the fleet! No, no, no. There's still... Oh my god! Let go!
You're nothing. You come from nothing. You're planet nothing.
You're a parent. Finn no. You're adopted, dad.
Simon Pegg in a fat suit. A bunch of nothing.
Join me. You're fucking insane! I see him turning the lightsaber to strike true. Any second now. Oh, it's gonna be bad. Just you wait and see.
He ignites it! And kills! He threw at me! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_get_in_the_cage_saturday_night_live | And now it's time for Get In the Cage, a recurring segment where actor Nicolas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss the craft in their recent work. please welcome Nicolas Cage and Jude Law. Thank you. thank you. it's really great to be here, Nick. well, it's very kind of you, Rabbi. let's begin. Now, you're currently in the film: Sherlock Holmes' Game of Shadows, which I am told involves explosions, screaming, and an evil genius hell-bent on destroying the world. that's right. I am. So my first question is, how am I not in that movie? It has all the classic elements I look for in a movie. One, it exists. Two, much like Sherlock Holmes, I am a high-society playboy who moonlights as a cyborg assassin.
I'm sorry. sorry. Have you ever read the Sherlock Holmes books? No. I never read anything, including the scripts of the movies I'm in. that's why all my characters always look so surprised. I'm finding out plot twists at the exact same time as the audience. I still can't believe they took my face off and face off. Why don't you just read the script? there's no time. I'm too busy making a new movie every three days. That's impossible. No, it's not. in fact, I'm making one right now.
And Cut. Okay, that's a wrap on Nick Cage. Thanks, guys. it was an honor. that movie opens tomorrow in Japan. So, you see, what are you worried about? you're in a million movies this year. you're like a psychotic Ryan Gosling. that's high praise. you're a sweet kid, Judy Blume. but you like the key qualities of a true movie star. namely, a shock of brown hair that zigs and zags across my ever-changing brow line. like polarized metal filings at the cruel mercy of their mother magnet. all perched upon the face of a weathered possum king.
And that, my friend, is the true meaning of Christmas. I'm sorry, but how is that the meaning of Christmas? don't sass me hat! I have a massive, overpriced, sore collection, and my blades will cut through you faster than a Whoopee Goldberg fart.
Okay, I think I'm ready to get out of the cage now. there's only one way out of the cage. a fight to the death. Two men enter. two men and a baby leave. What? I don't have time to argue with you. And so I must ride on to my next adventure. What is that?
I'm gonna impregnate the Statue of Liberty. Jude Law and Nick Cage, everybody! Thank you! |
SaturdayNightLive | lost_bag_snl | Three missed connections, a night spent on the floor in St. Paul, and now my lost bag. should have been the worst couple days of my life, but I met you. not so bad after all, huh? not bad at all. All right, that's one beautiful bag for an even beautiful a woman for real.
You can do pornography. Hey, I'm here to sorry pornography.
Yeah, my apologies. that was just a private thought that I said out loud. your Newark Flight Gh-422. Yes. my name is Vanessa Gordon and I am Samson Gibson. Okay, well, I'm missing my bag. it's like a purple duffel bag. Excellent. excellent. give me a sex in it. This thing is heavier than a mug. I gotta get back in the calisthenics. Oh my God. Your receipt, please. Oh I think I I think I lost it. Sorry. hold on. this is Vanessa. no tag. no bag. come on. that's mine. Mr. Vanessa. hello yeah, hi, I didn't go anywhere. Look, that's my bag. Look respectfully for all I know, this could be a Isis bag. You think I'm in Isis? Look, I can't just take your word for it. Mrs. Vanessa, I gotta confirm the contents of the bag and then you'll be good to go. All right. I am looking at a diary. Can you describe your last entry? no, I'm not doing that and I'm sorry Ma'am. no bag.
Okay. all right fine. um, it's about how I how I met this guy and I think he might be the one. Oh My. God. And the entry continues. I'm worried that he might be poor. sorry, it was after you venmo requested me for a soda. I just now Mrs. Vanessa, You still there? What? Dude, this isn't a phone call. I I have that move from your eyeline. I'm right here. What else do I need to do?
Was the diary entry? Not enough. Look, just because this is your diary does not mean this is your man. During your flight, that diary could have flown up out of your bag stop and then down into another.
There's no way that's ever happened.
All right now. I'm also seeing some medication. can you tell me what the label says?
Emodium, uh-huh. can you be more specifically? it's extreme emodium for unusual diarrhea, huh? Now unusual. Like unusual. Like how? cuz I wouldn't consider any diarrhea usual.
So this must be like a spooky kind. huh, maybe we don't. Maybe we don't go back to mine. No, please. This is ridiculous. can I please speak to your supervisor?
Yeah. yeah, right. Go right. Go. you back up.
What seemed to be the problem. I think this beautiful lady may be displeased. Well, how can I be of assistance?
Why do you guys talk the same? Well, this is my son and this is my father angle. yeah, that's sure for bring gory. it's hello to you gentle traveler.
Can you please give me my bag? I've proven that. that's my medication. Oh, ma'am I'm sorry your medication could have easily flown up out of your bag.
Stop. thought about it and then went back down into another. You know what? I'm just gonna head out. I think, what? No Dylan? Why? haven't slept. this is super weird. and I don't know you that well. I didn't even care about the diarrhea thing, but yeah, also like I don't love it. So nice to meet you Mrs. Vanessa, I cannot help but feel somewhat responsible for that. You know what?
Just take the bag and go. Thank you very much A very nice lady. Hi, I'm looking for my lost bag. can you help me? Well, anything for a beautiful lady such as yourself.
Has anyone ever told you that you can do pornography? |
dropout | shittysingles_com_is_exactly_what_it_sounds_like | I've known Brandon since we were kids. He's handsome, well-dressed, has a great job. Sometimes he has a hard time dating. Why? Hey, champ, here's your tip. Bring it in. Every time I have to look for you, he's a total piece of sh**. Michelle is a friend, I guess.
I am legit starving. Sorry, ma'am, you can't bring outside food. This isn't outside food. It came from inside my work fridge, so OK, thanks. Bye. She's also the worst.
Yo, can we get a TV in here? How do you get a Michelin star without a TV?
Am I right? Honestly. Thanks to Sh**tySingles.com, we're able to pair up two people so terrible that they deserve each other. Singles.com uses a 19-point a**hole index to match your total d**khead with another total d**khead. Canceling two douches out of the social equation with a single date. Everyone wins. Looks like you spin. My class is so hard, it's literally retarded. OK. Seriously, bro?
We're supposed to finish our apps in two minutes? It's been 15 minutes. Actually, it's been like 10 seconds. Good. More money in my pocket.
They're still the worst. But now, they can be the worst to each other.
That's love. Also, f**k you, Michelle. I know you stole my yogurt out of the office fridge. Give it back, or give me $1.79. |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_i_m_just_pete_snl | Well, we're here shooting. I'm just meats. Oh, we're starting. I'm just Pete. and I like Chugs. I'm mentally ill and I'm on drugs. Hey, hey.
We came in to see a Barbie World version of Staten Island. it's pretty incredible. Yeah. it's funny that I'm so excited to do this, but I do everything I hate doing. like what? like dancing and singing and wearing a vase. The difference between this music video and a normal Snl music video is that it was largely choreography based. Ok, guys, 32 counts. we called up our sequel weapon, Shannon Lewis. she choreographed the Megan 2.0 piece from last year and the Big Boys piece, 1 am on Thursday. I truly like called her up and just told her, hey, I need cool dancing for this part. I need cool dancing for four choruses. And we need a whole ballet influence section. And you have like no time to come up with it and 45 minutes to work with the dancers and have them all learn it.
And she was like, all right, bet, let's go. it's a rare treat that we get to actually do something like this. there's even a handful of jokes that Shannon took and made even better. one of them is the bipolar energy bit where she did this like, happy, sad, happy, sad. And that turned into like one of my favorite parts of the entire video. Pete's not afraid to make fun of several aspects of his life, personality. and out of the mood, like we friends a year, we'll do 86 pages, two, three, set, go, two, yeah. Great, Ok, let's cut. Team music videos are always a fun time. and I'm really glad that we got to do one more together. Look what they did. isn't that amazing? they did that for me in 12 hours, 12 hours. I had the best job ever. that's enough. I love it here. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_fainting_couch_snl | We now return to Lansdowne House. Amelia, Kenneth.
Christian, what a marvellous surprise. my brother and the flesh were viable, You're here. should you be away in Cornwall? Erm, I've left Cornwall.
I have something I must tell you. Well, let us hear it over tea. Henry, fetch the tea, please. Yes, Mum. You say the Great War has come to England and all of us must fight?
No. I felt duty-bound to do my best. No! Christian, no!
What's happening? you know your sister has house bells, Amelia.
To the fainting couch.
So, I've made a decision. I'm off to war.
No! look what you've done. Oh, heaven, she's missed the couch.
Henry, fetch the Alexios. Yes, sir.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. it seems like I've had a tiny spell. more than a tiny one, my dear. you had a frick.
Oh, I'm perfectly fine. Oh, Christian, it's you.
Well, I just had the most frightful dream that you were going to war. that was no dream, Amelia. it's true.
I'm joining the 11th Azars. I'll be on the front lines.
The front lines, Oh, no. What's happening? No.
Well, Amelia, please, to the couch, my love. come this way. I'm sorry, but she must hear the truth.
I'll leave Cornwall to see glory on the battlefield.
The Alexos, Now. she's missed the couch again. again? How?
Well, we need to steady her nerves. Henry, don't just stand there. bring the shedder here. as many classes as you can carry. of course, sir, And don't worry, sir.
I'm fine. Oh, heavens, I've had a spell. don't concern yourself, my dear. your blasted brother. it's his fault for telling us like this. Oh, Christian, there you are. you can still change your mind. go back to Cornwall. forget all this war, Madna. no, Amelia. the die is cast.
You see, I've already enlisted.
What? Oh! this way, my dear. Oh, drat, she went the other way. she is putting on quite a show, isn't she? how dare you? she could die. it must run its course. steady guard! steady guard! steady! Ooh! Oh, come now!
She just stepped and rolled right over the couch. you're sure, are you, ma'am?
Oh, thank you, Henry. all I think is care. Yes, I'm fine. splendid. let's reinvigorate your constitution, Henry.
Bring us a truly enough Saxburg Soup. Piping hot. piping hot soup.
Yes, sir. Now, my dear, are you all right? Yes, I'm perfectly fine.
I just seem to have a tiny cut on my hand. is that blood?
Oh. to the couch. soup is ready, sir.
No? no? Oh, no. no, please, sir.
I'm terribly sorry.
Look, the fits run in both our families, you see. ever since we had a tiny bout of inbreeding for the past 500 years.
Ah, so these spells could happen to me? I could have them? Perhaps I should not go to all then.
My brother and the flesh were way over your yard. should you be away in Cornwall? Erm, I've left Cornwall.
I have something I must tell you. Well, let us hear it over tea. Henry, effect the tea, please. Yes, Mum. you say the Great War has come to England and all of us must fight?
No. I felt duty bound to do my best. No, Christian, no. it's happening.
You know your sister has her spells.
I'm near the honour. to the fainting coach.
So I've made a decision. I'm off to war.
No. look what you've done. Oh, heaven, she's missed the couch.
Henry, fetch the Alexios. Yes, sir.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. it seems like I've had a tiny spell. more than a tiny one, my dear. you had a frick.
Oh, I'm perfectly fine. Oh, Christian, it's you.
Well, I just had the most frightful dream that you would go into war. That was no dream, Amelia. it's true. I'm joining the 11th Azars. on the front lines. the front lines, Oh, no. it's happening, No.
Well, Amelia, please, to the couch, my love. come this way. I'm sorry, but she must hear the truth. that I shall leave Cornwall to see glory on the battlefield. The Alexis, Now. she's missed the couch again. again?
How?
Well, we need to steady her nerves. Henry, don't just stand there. bring the shedder here. as many castes as you can carry. of course, sir, and don't worry, sir.
I'm fine.
Oh, heavens, I've had a spell. don't concern yourself, my dear. your blasted brother. it's his fault for telling us like this. No, Christian, there you are. you can still change your mind. go back to Cornwall. forget all this war madness. No, Amelia. the die is cast.
You see, I've already enlisted.
What?
Oh! here we go again. go away, my dear. Oh, drat, she went the other way. she is putting on quite a show, isn't she? how dare you? she could die. it must run its course. steady, girl. steady, girl. steady. Oh, come now! she just stepped and rolled right over the couch. you're showering, ma'am.
Oh, thank you, happy. Oh, I think it's yours.
Yes, I'm fine. splendid. let's reinvigorate your constitution, Henry. bring us a true line of Saxburg Soup. piping hot. piping hot soup. Yes, sir. No, my dear, are you all right? Yes, I'm perfectly fine with this. seemed to have a tiny cut on my hand. is that blood?
Oh. to the couch. soup is the only sound.
No. oh, no. no, please, sir. yes. tell her to be sorry.
Look, the fits run in both our families, you see. ever since we had a tiny bout of inbreeding for the past 500 years. Ah.
So, so these spells could happen to me? I could have them? perhaps I should not go to all then.
Oh, Faberge Eggs. Faberge Eggs. I like mine. Faberge Eggs. |
SaturdayNightLive | arby_s_snl | What do you have to say about that? I guess all I have to say is How.
Yeah, yeah, that just seems like a lot of roast beef sandwiches for $10. it's five heaping piles of tender roast beef for only $10 measly dollars. Can you even believe it? Honestly, no. yeah, we're struggling to understand the physics of how this much roast beef is $10. Yeah, yeah, because isn't one roast beef sandwich normally at least $5? Ha, ha, ha. I bet you never thought $10 could get you five mountains of roast beef. No, that's exactly what we're saying. we don't think it's possible. yeah, I just googled roast beef at the grocery store and it sells for $11 a pound, But you're saying. we're giving you pound after pound of roast beef for just $10. Yeah, see, that's what's throwing us off. because if roast beef is $11 a pound, I mean, I know bread is super cheap, but it's not negative dollars. Arby's is a for-profit business, right? like, your goal is to make money? Because I can make five roast beef sandwiches at home for $10. I don't think I can make five roast beef sandwiches for less than $30.
So I guess we're wondering, where are you getting all this roast beef? Arby's, We have the meats. No, no, no, that doesn't answer this question. We know you have the meat, but where are you getting the meat? Also, what kind of meats?
Oh, My. God. Is that real?
Look it up, it's the $5 box, only at Taco Bell. Okay, okay, I don't like that you changed the subject to Taco Bell, because now I have a lot of questions about this $5 box. you get multiple burritos and cinnamon twists and chips with nacho cheese and a giant soda for $5. How can that physically happen? that means each full burrito is like 70 cents.
So Arby's is looking pretty good by comparison, right? No, no, this all sounds horrible. I thought the four-for-four menu at Wendy's was insane. Ooh, what's that? Oh, that's a full cheeseburger in order of chicken tenders, fries, and a soda for $4. Mmm, sounds suspicious.
Hold on, Ving, Rames, you do the voiceover in the store? That's right, I'm physically present at every Arby's location. Arby's, we have the Rames.
I'm sorry, and you think the Wendy's deal sounds suspicious? you're the ones offering five giant. towers. of roast beef for $10. How many sandwiches do you get from one cow? Oh, I don't know, a million. But we'd honestly rather pay more and get less roast beef. then we wouldn't be worried so much about where it came from. Okay, so how much for how much? I don't know, I guess.
Two roast beef sandwiches for $12? I think three for $15. You're gonna eat three roast beef sandwiches?
Hey, you do not shame me. Not in my debut Arby's commercial. Arby's New Three for $15. you'll pay a little more, but at least you'll understand how it can physically be possible. |
TheOnion | Tim_Allen_Mark_Wahlberg_And_Tara_Reid_Spotted_At_Cafe_Discussing_Oh_God_What_Are_They_Planning | Paparazzi and West Hollywood snapped photos of Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, and Tara Reid meeting up at Starbucks earlier today. The actors talked for over three hours, leading many to worry that they could be working on a project together. For more info, I'm joined by Aaron Vaughn. Hi Carly. Do we know what's going on with these three? No, and that's why Hollywood is so nervous right now. There's absolutely no good reason for these three people to talk about anything, but they spent all afternoon together. The internet erupted with anxiety over the meeting, with fans wondering, quote, Who even would put these three together, or could they have reached out to each other?
Why would they do that? It's easy to assume they're making a movie, but then I thought, maybe it's a TV show. That would be worse. Now Aaron, if they are working on a movie, is there any chance it could be good?
Mark Wahlberg is a fine actor, Tim Allen hasn't done much recently, but he made Home Improvement and does The Voice of Buzz Lightyear. That's not even the point. Tara Reid was in The Big Lebowski.
It's the three of them working together that spells trouble. There's no way this ends well. Right, well is it possible that they weren't meeting on business and they're just friends or something? Unfortunately not.
We saw photos of a manila envelope on the Starbucks table, and at one point Mark Wahlberg opened the folder and appeared to be reading something inside of it. Do we have any idea what it could be? Well, Variety suggested that it might be a buddy cop comedy.
That would make sense, but how does Tara Reid play into it? Maybe she's a wealthy widow they have to protect. Yeesh. That's just one theory, though.
There are literally countless awful projects they could be working on. Maybe it's a movie where Tim Allen and Tara Reid are both running for governor, but Mark Wahlberg's dating her and Tim Allen's his boss and he can only vote for one. If we're lucky, it's just a forgettable DreamWorks cartoon about trains or something.
Now, shortly after the meeting, Tim Allen hinted at a new project on his Twitter saying exciting news coming up. Also earlier this week, Mark Wahlberg tweeted, going on a three hour tour, hashtag I'm on a boat.
You don't think Gilligan's Island? Oh no. That would explain everything. It better not be.
He also tweeted pictures from an actual boat, so it was probably just a fun boat ride.
Or location scouting. Let's just drop it. Uh oh, we've just gotten word of a new development.
Apparently, the IMDb pages of Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, and Tara Reid were just updated to include an untitled project. The page also lists Reese Witherspoon, the black guy from the Allstate commercials, and Adam Levine.
Jesus Christ. The only plot description on the project right now is life can throw unexpected curves. Oh fuck, that could mean so many things. Thanks, Aaron.
Next up, pop star Kesha launches a public awareness campaign reminding young people to use protection when they have sex with her. |
TheOnion | Suspicious_Package_Industry_Falls_On_Hard_Times | Since September 11th, increased security measures have put a strain on many areas of the economy. But few have been harder hit than the suspicious package industry. Plumbing sales have forced many suspicious package retailers out of business. And those that remain are left wondering if they have a future in the post 9-11 world. Paul Townsend runs All Things Unattended on a bustling street in downtown Albany, New York. He says he used to do brisk trade to the steady flow of pedestrians, but no longer. Used to be a guy would come in here and get a suspicious package for his kid, maybe an unidentifiable container for his wife too. I just assumed it would go on forever. Townsend's family has been in the suspicious package business for more than 50 years.
People are afraid to come in. They'll look in the window, but they won't buy anything. They're afraid they're going to get arrested.
And it's not just the mom and pop suspicious package stores that are in trouble. Last month, mysterious bags and boxes incorporated filed for bankruptcy and said in a written statement, we thank all of you out there for your continued support of our finally made dubious parcels and inscrutable containers. Their corporate headquarters were closed down and imploded earlier this week. It gave me real happiness to hand an oddly weighted, strangely shaped package to a child and look at the excitement on his face.
It's the end of an era. And it's a shame really. The Pentagon has raised the national terror alert level to red as the last of the suspicious package stores hold going out of business clearance sale. An Onion News Network poll today finds that most Americans don't know what they would do in hypothetical situations. |
SaturdayNightLive | fernando_s_hideaway_saturday_night_live | Thank you, my friends. I can't tell you how excited I am. this year on the highway, it's been a marvelous year. we've had so fantastic guests. I was crazy going nuts. Ringo Starr, Ann Margaret, who are a low-cut thing. and I got to tell you, they look marvelous. Pentagon, Susan Ruchi from the marvelous soap opera, all the days of the lives of my children's dogs. even in Cisco, who together look like a semicolon. Mista T. and Joke Jogan, they were marvelous. we had a marvelous time to all my guests. I got to tell them, they look marvelous and they know who they are. Tonight, my friends, is a legend in his own mind. please welcome, I can kid them because we go way back. please welcome my friend, Howard. help me with that last name.
Co-cell. Co-cell, the one and Only. you are a super-duper star. you are beyond Michael Jackson, even though you do not walk backwards.
I got to tell you, people want to know because you've done everything that is to do in this business. And I got to ask you from the bottom of my heart, did you really puke on Don Meredith's shoes? Yes. you really did that? Why was you not feeling well? I was very sick. all of it, was he wearing boots? it was the ball game, it sickened me. his boots were covered with stuff that you had early in the day. on those boots that he wears? that must have looked marvelous. Why would I have to see that?
I tell you, I pray to see that. it was the best moment he had on Monday Night Football. you know, tell me about what you started with Don and that first game going way back. you know, how did that start? your relationship with Don Meredith? Well, you were there, it was September 21st, 1970, Browns 31, Jets 21, and it was made memorable by Dandy Dunn's discovery of a wide receiver named Fair Hooker. no such thing, I'll tell you that. that's what Meredith said.
Well, I heard that about him, you know, But you know, look, you pay for your thrills, you know what I'm saying to you? I tell you, at least he wasn't, you know, somebody important because there seems to have been going around a lot in sports, you know, police pulling people over in the cards and they go, oh, look, you got a medal. you know what I'm saying to you? it's too crazy for it. why are you touching me there? it's something I'm working on, you know? Let me ask you this, darling. you know, so many people talk about you. this is a man, my friends, who in one year, now this has never happened since the studio days. And you know what I'm talking about. in one year, you were on the most liked and most disliked list at the same time. This shows his versatility. I'm telling you this. how does something like that happen to you? It's very easy.
I'm the only one with anything to say. you look marvelous. really true, You know, how close is fabulous, you know? But you covered the Olympics, you covered all of those things, My favorite thing, Howard. may I call you Howard? Of course. my favorite thing, I love, of course, I love that. he's a cat and me, my kid. the Battle of the Network Stars to me is the epitome of sports at this bar. I think it is the most marvelous. First of all, you got all these beautiful women, these guys, and together they look marvelous. they're up at Malibu. it's fabulous. I think it's great. I agree with you. I mean, for me, Carl Lewis was great, But to see Adrian Balboa running on slow motion, they're bumping, they're bumping, they're bumping. with that Abc thing, you know, with those nipples bursting through the thing, they look marvelous, I got to tell you. Howard, how did you notice? I got a tape, you know what I'm saying? and I watch it over and over again. What about Donna Miltzen, Morgan Fairchild? not too bad. not too shabby, you know what I'm saying to you. Howard, I have loved having you on there, either way, you are a superstar and a Superman. my friends, I've had a marvelous, there you are. I've had a marvelous time holding hands with this, oh, these things happen at that age, But I gotta tell you, Donna, wherever you are, I love you and it's better to look good than to feel good.
So you just, we need to get home. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | doctor_snl | And I hate hospitals almost as much as Dad does. I can't believe he's been in surgery for 12 hours. Thank you all for waiting. the doctor will see you now!
Hello family. Well, this is never easy to say.
We did everything we could but he did not make it. Oh it's okay guys. he lived a long life.
If it's any comforts, it's not my fault. What? It's not my fault that he's dead. I was there for the whole thing. Nothing odd happened in there. Okay. yeah, we didn't think it was anyone's fault. Hmm. so we agree. it's not my fault.
Could each of you say that one at a time? Do Not record us right now Doctor, can we please have a moment to process this? Okay, well, maybe we should all go around and say something we miss about Grandpop. I think that'd be nice.
I love the way that he smelled. Hello again. this is my associates. He was in the operating room with me. He has something he wants to tell you.
I'm sorry for your loss and I didn't drop anything in anything. See now that makes it sound like you did. No, I didn't He was very old. he was very sick and there was already an air pod inside of him.
Okay, you know what. Maybe we should just get out of this way. Yeah, come on kids. let's go to the cafeteria.
Oh, are you hungry? would you like to try some cookie crumbles? What are cookie crumbles? they're my own creation. Sometimes you don't want a whole cookie. you just want to bite. And did you have that on you during the surgery? We had a few spoonfuls. Yes, that's how you beat them with a little red spoon. it would come with it. Are you like selling these? The cookie crumbles. Or the spoon? Either way, not yet, but soon. So it's just like crumbs of cookies. it's cookie crumbles. What don't you understand? for when you want a cookie, but you don't want the whole thing. I didn't kill him. The slogan is that's the way the cookie crumbles. Okay, this is actually I kind of like the idea of cookie crumbles, but you do.
Could you say that into the camera? No Doctor, please. How did you know my last name? Well, your last name is please. Yes, he's Dr. Please and I'm Jeffrey. Thank you.
We're trying to grieve. my father is gone. well, we can't bring him back. We know that obviously unless you think maybe we could. No, it's not something we can do unless you think we should try. No, we need to make a few calls and arrangements.
Can we please have some privacy, Okay? Okay, what is up with these guys? I'm kind of creeped out even work here. I don't know about you guys, but I kind of feel like they definitely killed Grandpa. Don't talk too loud. they're right over there. You know, you can always call them.
Yes, one could mix them into some sort of dessert salad. Yes. did you just come up with that? Yes, that is genius Dessert salad. The dressing could be chocolate syrup or ice cream.
Stop talking about the cookie crumble. We're sorry and we hope this gives you. Okay, what is it? We are dating now? Be careful Is that my family? I'm still feeling a little woozy. You're alive. Wait, this is your father. we have the wrong family. Oh, yo, we heard everything You say, what job to our father? It's not our fault. you like some cookie crumbles? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_maggie_smith_on_her_oscar_predictions_snl | Well, the Oscar race is heating up, and here to offer her predictions is Oscar Nominee.
Dame Maggie Smith, Everybody. Maggie, Dame Maggie Smith, Wow.
Thank you, Jimmy. aren't you a darling? look at your little suit, just like a little schoolboy. So, Dame Maggie? call me Mags. Okay, Mags, let's talk about the Oscars. Yes, let's.
Who do you think is going to win for best Actor? Best Actor. Well, the winner will be Denzel Washington, And Denzel, if you have any interest in getting it on with an experienced Dame of experience, give me a call. Okay, what about best Actress?
Judi Dench. Little Judi Dench. Such a clever little Judi Dench. Little clever chubby Judi Dench.
The best Supporting Actress, Who's that? not me, whether I win it or not. Okay, understood. Best supporting Actor. oh, without a doubt, Ian Mckellen, St. Ian. they've got to throw that old queen a bone sometime. was he gay? I didn't even know that. you're not gay, Jimmy, are you? Oh, no, but I just. best picture. Well, who cares? by that time, I'll be getting as high as a kite in the toilet with Helen Mirren. wait, wait, wait. are you going to go to the actor party? after parties, I'd rather drink ache. But wish me luck. Kiss for luck, Little Jimmy Fallon. Maggie Smith should shave. does this mean I'm knighted? Or did I just get queened? What am I? no. |
cracked | 6_insane_stereotypes_that_you_still_see_in_every_movie_after_hours | I'm serious I know that you think you are what are we talking about gay people are magic nope come on just look this is for the record we are four white straight people who are gonna be talking about sexism racism and homophobia okay we are less qualified than a lampshade made of toilet paper oh no Katie's a woman Dan is if anything a genderless Lego man and I view sex as a constantly evolving spectrum that's better I guess so racism in movies like how all our enemies used to be Russian and now they're all vaguely Middle Eastern not quite so direct as that yes Hollywood is still trying to force stereotypes down our throat but it's not racist in the old-school negative sort of way it's more well-meaning than that it's a white guilt thing yeah it's like that magical black character that's been around for so long I mean Hollywood was so worried about being perceived as racist that they created this weird stereotype that all old black people are like full of folksy wisdom and just perfect advice advice that they'd selflessly dole out to the dumb white protagonist shepherd from Firefly most of the characters that Morgan Freeman's ever played that's goddamn right Moses Hudsucker proxy there's a period in the 90s where almost every single wise down-to-earth judge was an old black man and sometimes they were actually magic like in Legend of Bagger Vance or the Green Mile and speaking of that thing I said now it's gay people who are magic that's Hollywood's new thing is this a Dumbledore jab previously gay people were only clowns in shows Hollywood in the mannequin Jack and Will and Grace snagglepuss just all mincing around all is it funny I'm gay but now if there's a gay character in a supporting role in a TV show or movie nine times out of ten Hollywood makes him an expert Harvey Firestein in that Simpsons episode where Homer gets hair we know two things about that character one he is incredibly gay and two he's like super insightful about absolutely everything Hollywood wants to show that they're not homophobic but they overcompensate by making gay people infallible Wallace is the gay roommate in Scott Pilgrim with perfect relationship and dating advice you got powder from powder Angel and rent Hollywood wants to appear staunchly pro-gay but they're still not comfortable with showing gay couples actually you know being intimate even on Modern Family which has one of the most balanced and realistic gay couples on television still waited an entire season before airing an episode where they're gay married couple kissed and even then it was just a peck if you're acting like Hollywood has just moved on to homosexuality like it doesn't still have a huge problem with race when was the last time you watched a movie where a black man ended up with a white woman guess who's coming to dinner actually remade that movie and recast Sidney Poitier's character with Ashton Kutcher see the reverse all the time Zach Braff can date a black girl on scrubs the only black friend on friends can date both Ross and Joey but Will Smith can't end up with a white woman he doesn't men and black agent J and more woman they're romantically tied but you never even see them kiss and then in men in black too you know that they broke up because that's when he falls for Rosario Dawson because Hollywood is still totally cool with a black man ending up with a Latino woman like Ava Mendez and Will Smith and hitch or Denzel Washington and Ava Mendez again in training day huh or Will Smith and Rosario Dawson again in seven pounds unless you're making a point about race white women cannot be with black men in movies you know what else why women can't do jump get shot in the head yeah guys get shot in the head in movies all the time I mean there's brain splatter blood and everything it's the best I mean that exact thing happens four times in the departed alone yeah it happens all the time but never with women sure you get a woman with like a bullet hole in her forehead but brain splatter nope not in America good right I don't want to see a guy's brain splatter out of his head nobody does there's brain splatter blood everything it's the best the point is there's an inequality I mean Hollywood likes to pretend that there are just as many great roles out there for women as there are for men but as long as we're okay with watching a man's brains poop out of the back of his head and not a woman's then we're still implicitly saying that women are more precious or need to be handled with like kids gloves there's this YouTube video called a hundred movies a hundred headshots and there are only two female victims in it oh my god why did you dig that clip up is not having your brains poop out the back of your head a stereotype I can get us back on track and when I do you're all going to want to give me a hand is that a smug call a head joke to a reference you haven't made yet sometimes I forget you aren't all figments of my imagination but if you want to talk about strange and bizarrely specific stereotypes in Hollywood you've got to talk about handedness you just got him because you said we had to almost all modern protagonists are right-handed but the antagonist or failing that sneaky goofy side characters are left-handed are you so crazy that you keep track of which hand movie characters write their names with nope that would have been easier I've been studying hair parts hair parts protagonists will part from the left to the right as if they've used their right hand to drag their hair if they had any from the left side to the right goof balls on the other hand go this side so we can just take his word for this right there's no need to name a bunch cool and powerful Don Draper parts his hair like a right-handed man sniveling Weasley Pete Campbell like a left-handed man Hugh Jackman and prisoners right-handed creepy Paul Dano left-handed even Superman parts his hair like a right-handed guy but when he puts on his glasses and becomes worthless Clark Kent the parts which is too and suddenly he's left-handed help Tom Cruise was born left-handed in real life whenever he's playing the protagonist he does everything with his right hand shooting a gun in Mission Impossible flipping bottles in cocktail wielding a sword in the last samurai he plays pool with his left hand in the color of money only because Paul Newman is the real hero of that movie Tom Cruise is the weasel who cons Newman out of money you would make a great detective if your cases involve finding answers that literally nobody cared about a case in mother point what hand you write with lefty and you Soren great obviously one named after being correct wait what I'll see what that if anything that disproves wait Soren is the protagonist I'm the goofball in my own life just don't we all thought you know what if you do what if you do lots of what if you do sex stuff with your right hand like I write with my left hand but I mean all sex stuff is right all the way that's gotta count for something hey YouTube thanks for watching make sure you watch our other videos and subscribe if you want to find out if you not find out you want to tell us what the next episode should be about write in the comments don't do that we're not gonna actually do that we wouldn't the next episodes already you don't know what you're doing hasn't shown we were no power this professionals we know we're showing you are just you're here to watch thanks for watching |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_patricia_krentcil_saturday_night_live | Patricia Crensell, a New Jersey mom, is on trial for child endangerment after accusations that she took her 5-year-old daughter with her into a tanning bed. joining us now, the tanning mom, Patricia Crensell. Hello, Seth. sorry about all the smoke. I just came from the. tanning salon? So, Patricia, how do you answer the allegations that you brought your child into a tanning bed with you? Seth, I would never bring a 5-year-old into a tanning bed. tanning beds should only be used by responsible adults, because you may not know this, Seth. some people over-tan. but you're not over-tan? Oh, no. this. this is just a base tan, so I don't burn this summer.
Okay? What you see here, this is normal. do-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. what's wrong? what's wrong? do-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. you need water? Here you go. Here you go. do-oo-oo-oo-oo. sorry. I got a little dried out for a second. Okay, yeah. the air seems very dry in the studio. you get that complaint a lot.
No, we've never had that complaint. So, Patricia, now, you've said that those who criticize you are fat, ugly, and jealous. Yes. Though I can't blame them for being jealous. I am alluring in a way they'll never be. Trust me, there are plenty of men in New Jersey who would love to snap into the Slim Jim. Okay, no. I don't know about that. Seth. yeah? guess how old I am. no. come on, guess. All right, well, I know women hate it when you guess over, so I'll say, uh, 200. very funny, Seth. very funny. Oh, dude. maybe just keep the water on that side, yeah. The point is, Seth, anyone can look like me. it's not just the tanning. it's also the right beauty products. Really? Because you look like a baseball glove. That is Not an accident, Seth.
I follow the Wilson Athletic Beauty Routine. What Is the Wilson Athletic Beauty Routine? Every night, I rub my face with Murphy's Oil soap. then I put a baseball in my mouth and sleep with my head under the mattress.
And now I have the look every woman dreams of, Wile E. Coyote, right after something blows up in his face. Dude, you look crazy. Or do I look like a wise cigar store Indian? You look crazy. you know what?
I got to get out of here. I can feel myself getting paler every second. really quick. Before I go, I want to show you this trick. are you ready? Yeah, I'd love to see a trick. Piece of bread. yep. put it between my thighs. Oh, My. God. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Local_Mum_Returns_From_The_Bowels_Of_Hell_Hot_Mess_Gladys_Dragged_Back_Into_Her_Bad_Girl_Days_By_ | Hello and welcome to another Weekly Batooter Advocate News Bulletin, my favourite Bulletin of the week. Is it yours, Wendell? Absolutely. I live for him, I love him and I cannot wait for Friday afternoons for the Weekly Bulletin. How about you, Effie Bateman? Yeah, I'm excited.
I can't believe that Clancy's off discovering himself, I hear that he's doing the, is it Ayahuasca? No. Is that how you pronounce it? It's Muay Thai. Oh, okay.
He's gone off to Thailand to go and eat prey. Is that the climbing up the stairs with the buckets of water? Doing all that, significantly different to his last 17 day cruise of the South Pacific for his honeymoon, obviously that's ended. He was really into his cruises there for a little bit. He did that cruise in Brisbane that just went out into the Coral Sea and then came back, didn't go anywhere. Just in love. He looked a lot skinnier though, when he came back. Yes, I know, well that's what he hopes is going to happen when he goes over to Thailand.
But this time it's not going to be through, you know, terrible E. coli food poisoning. It'll be through blood, sweat and tears.
But look, maybe he'll find some Ayahuasca over there, who knows? I definitely know what he's going to find now that Thailand has legalised cannabis. He will be over there mixing his pharmaceuticals with his cannabis, alcohol, nicotine.
Up his downers. What any good news man does when they have everything at their feet, they turn to drugs. Good on him. He's got to blow some steam off and let it all out.
Now the first story we're kicking off today's News Bulletin with, end of financial year. It's about the biggest story this week that captured the nation's attention.
Taylor Swift, her ticket's going on sale, and a local mum has returned from the bowels of hell with four Taylor Swift tickets. But at what cost? Yes, a Batuta Heights mother who hasn't had a beer since 1996 had a full pint of Wednesday afternoon this week after a harrowing day at the computer. Cair Granger, a mother of three, watched the Ticketek page refresh and refresh for 10 hours on Wednesday, seeming unaware you could go off and do other things while trying to snag tickets to the Princess of Pop. Yes, Cair watched as the hours went by as her mind slowly drifted off in some sort of primal coping mechanism. She reportedly started seeing visions of ships and seas and boats and distant lands before somehow the webpage refreshed in front of her and she coughed up a week's pay for tickets to the Tea Swizzle show. Quite full on stuff. Well, look, people go overseas to get those sorts of experiences, Clancy's off to Thailand chasing that sort of thing and she got it sitting at her computer, so it's not too bad at all. Good on her for getting the tickets, it'll obviously cost her an arm and leg to get down to Sydney as well, but it is what it is. It certainly cost some poor lady her leg on the Travelator in Bangkok today.
I saw that on the news anyway. Back into politics, Wendell.
Yeah, we're staying down in Sydney for our next story and hot mess Gladys has been dragged back into her bad girl days by her toxic fucking ex. Yes, it certainly has been a poor run for poor Gladys and it has been a busy few days in the corruption capital of the country, which is Sydney in case you're new to this podcast. The Independent Corruption Commission found that hot mess Gladys was quote, seriously corrupt in her dealings with disgraced Wagga MP and former beau, Darryl Maguire. Though charges weren't referred to the police and Gladys is now hoping that she can just put this bullshit behind her.
As she said, and I quote, like, we've all moved on. Get over yourself, ICAC. Like I haven't even thought about that fuckhead for years and like the ICAC wants to bring him up every five seconds when I'm around. But if you want something to write about, go write about that fuckhead, Darryl.
I'm living my best life now. Slay Queen. Yeah.
Now, some entertainment news and Channel 9 has announced a brand new mini series based around the Titanic submersible disaster. Yes, the biggest most sensational drama filled TV show series event of the year is here. So strap yourselves in, strap yourselves in TV fans as Channel 9 is taking things to the next level. This comes off the back of the raging success of the show Warnie, which has been released a relatively short time after the Spin Bowlers death, something which friends, family and the general public are not very happy about. And now they've released Subby. Yes, despite the criticism for the lack of decency, Channel 9 have now revealed that they have begun filming Subby based on the true story of the Titanic submersible implosion. Alex Williams, who recently played Shane Warne in the hit series Warnie on Channel 9, will play the role of Pakistani investor Shahzad Dawood and Shane Jacobson will portray British billionaire Hamish Harding. Good quality Australian television that I'm looking forward to.
Disappointing, no sign of Lachie Hume. They're yet to confirm whether he's in or out. No, I think, look, they probably couldn't get Guy Pearce on that budget either.
I thought he would be good. I think he has a bit of sensibility about him too. I don't know if he'd go anywhere near Subby, but...
We'll move on to sports news to round out the week and Reece Walsh has pleaded not guilty at the tribunal saying, I wasn't fucking swearing at the ref, you dumb fucking c**t. Pretty aggressive from Reece. Charming. Yes, Brisbane Broncos fullback Reece Walsh has been suspended for three games for swearing at the referee in the 74th minute of last weekend's loss to the Gold Coast Titans. The young Queensland star had to fly down to Sydney to defend himself alongside Broncos officials and teammates who tried to argue that he wasn't swearing at the referee. And he made quite a stir at the judiciary when he was trying to argue his case. Yes, it seems like there's been a current theme in recent weeks of Titans folding under pressure.
Yes, he was quoted as saying, and I quote, sorry for the swearing, You're pulling a dead set straight out of your f**king arse. I wasn't f**king swearing at the refs, you dumb f**king C-words. Do I look like the type of C-word that would f**king do that? What do you f**king take me for, an f**king clown? He then said the judiciary had f**king rocks in their head before having his case surprisingly thrown out and being suspended for three weeks. Quite a spray from Reece. You know who has f**king rocks in their head?
His mate David Fofita, who defended him at the judiciary and said that Reece Walsh swore at the ref. Oh, he meant Paddy Carrigan, his teammate. Is David Fofita a lawyer now? Yeah, he is a lawyer. He stood up and tried to defend Reece Walsh and incriminated him at the same time. That would have been very funny if Dave went and borrowed like a full blown wig and s**t in the cape and the red bag. I believe he was handing pieces of paper to the council for Reece Walsh.
Just like a mad Monday. Yeah, yeah. It was real kangaroo court hours, real rugby league hours, but a nice end to the week. That's it. Thanks guys. We'll talk to you next week. Ciao. See you later. Have a great start to your financial year. |
dropout | troopers_secret_message | Leaders of the Insurgency, I've been captured but remain in good spirits. Also, I've obtained some crucial information. It turns out the Dread Cruiser's weakening. Yeah, I'm totally going to slam my pecs to the woah, this isn't the gym.
What? Oh hey princess, long time no see. Who were you just talking to?
I guess I better just do my workout here. Work out anywhere really. He's about to get a little muscly and stuff.
Count for me? One. Girl, push up. Still counts!
I'm cramping, I'm cramping, I'm cramping. Okay, he's finally gone. The Dread Cruiser's weakness. Cell inspector, that's uh, wow, what is that?
That's, yeah look at that, that's good. That's looking good too. That feels pretty good to me. And uh, that feels pretty good to me. Get the fu- Now I'm in okay spirits.
The Dread Cruiser's weakness. He uh, want me to make you an omelet? No, the Dread Cruiser's weakness. Are you sure? Yes, the Dread Cruiser's weakness.
Omelet time. Did you ring that bell you ring when you want me to come talk to you? No, I don't have that. You do now.
That was Soul Eclipse. Soul, spelled like your shoe. This next one's spelled the other way.
Hey, is your bell working? I wouldn't know. Can I have a bell? No, Mr. Tankerschmitt.
So, have you ever had the urge to date one of your guards? Yeah, I really want to date that cute one.
You know, rich. Ah, my shift starts soon. Bow ring. Anyway, um, we'll see you in seven hours, so. Okay, new plan. Get me out of here, now.
Hey, did I leave my helmet in here? What? No, you're wearing it. You're always wearing it. Hey, is that a camera? What? No. It's okay. I won't take this to Dreadlord. For you. Actually, you probably should show this to your boss, because he'd be so proud of you. You think? Yeah. Uh, sir, I can explain. What? What happened?
I always fall asleep during movies.
Can you, uh, can you rewind this thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. |
cracked | what_biology_class_didn_t_want_you_to_know_about_water_marvels_of_the_science_episode_4 | Our world is full of being in many worlds, and in those worlds are even smaller worlds, and in the more small worlds in those worlds, until they're too small to see what we don't really even care about. I'm Professor Scott Bug, and today I hope to explore how we know things, on my Marvels of the Science.
Now, there are only a few things we actually know about water. One, it's quite wet. Two, it's not dry at all. And the other thing we know is that we don't know what it is, how it works, or even what it does. But hopefully today, thanks to the science process, that will change. We're going to use guesses, clues, and the power of looking to discover the true purpose of water. Now, by looking, we've seen that water tends to pool together with other bits of water into these sort of pools of bits of water, because water is very scared of anything that is not water, and needs to be by other bits of water to feel safe. Yet, here we have water by this greeny stuff that is definitely not water, but the water is still, because it's lazy. Here, we have a clue. Water erupting from a pool of other water. We can guess, because it knows that there's other stuff marred with rocks and sticks and things, the bottle it's trying to escape from. It's still so scared of everything but other water. Yet, it's brave enough that it's trying to give it to go on its own, unlike the lazy water we saw earlier. Then, we have the third type of water, ice.
So scared, it can't even move.
So, we used to think that water was confusing and useless. For example, just five years ago, we thought water was H2O, two hydrogen and one oxygen. But I mean, you know, there's way more water than three. In fact, the universe contains literally a lot of water.
So, given all of this new information, what do we do? The final step in the science process. Just sort of have a think on it. During our think, we will come up with stuff, causing a hypothesis, which means we've done it.
We now know that water is so absolutely terrified because it's so completely delicious. Like all things in the universe, water exists. And I mean, thank goodness, because it's really good. I mean, it's like really good. It sort of changes everything for me. And that's why, of all the world's tiny and small, the world of water is one of my marvels of the science.
Hi, I'm Ib Epperson. I direct some of the videos here on Crackercom. I'm also an actor, some of you didn't know. I was Crazy Raoul, and the original agents of Cracked. I was in some of today's topics where I, you know, talked to Katie Stowell and we fight about gender and stuff like that.
I was a shadow in an After Hours episode. It was actually a mistake, we cut it. But I was Simba in our animated Lion King sketch? Or was that a dream? I was in a whole bunch of stuff, okay?
You don't need to... All you need to do is subscribe, okay? Just subscribe and stop asking me questions. |
cracked | iconic_pop_culture_moments_you_remember_wrong | Six moments, everyone remembers. Wrong.
I first knew the show was a hit when I walked into school and a kid was wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt. Fox had an endless supply of clever slogans, man.
This can't be right. Cowabunga, motherf***er. Oh my gosh, she actually does say cowabunga. I thought that was just a t-shirt. The funniest stuff came right out of real life. Then let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes. Cowabunga, dude. And cut. Dad, I've never said cowabunga in my life. Your script sucks.
Welcome to Earth.
Yeah, because you're a Bogart. I could never hit Nancy. It's not that type of relationship. Relationship? Now where'd you learn that word from one of those Park Avenue headshrinkers?
Play it again, Sam.
Do you know what I want to hear? No, don't. You played it for her, you played it for me. Well, I don't think I can remember. If you can stand it, I can. Play it. Yes, boss.
La la la, Luke. Luke, I am your father. When I first saw the dialogue that said, Luke, I am your father.
He told me enough. He told me you killed him. No, I am your father.
Thank you so much for joining me. I'm going this way. Are you coming? I have my own transportation. Okay, bye.
Beam me up, Scotty. Ready to beam up, Jim? Beam me up, Mr. Spark. Scotty, beam me up.
Surprise. Hey, guys. Thanks for watching that. Hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history? I know that's the sort of thing you typically hear from a 50-year-old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human body gross and repellent in most of its forms, I'm here to tell you that science and sociology and history surrounding sex are actually really interesting, even to a person who's never been to an origin. Anyways, that's not just the more-you-know-style public service announcement. It's what our live podcast is about this month. So Saturday, February 11th, 7 p.m., me and Michael Swam, Teresa Lee, are going to be talking to Dr. Christopher Ryan, who wrote a fascinating book about what sex was like a long, long time ago when humans were just starting to, you know... Tickets are $7. They usually sell it pretty quickly, so click on the link somewhere on your screen now if that sounds interesting to you. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_breaks_the_interviews | And then, of course, we have a whole era later that people called the Enlightenment. Is that in this episode or will that come up later? I'm, well, I'm guessing it will come up later. Which episode are we in now? I, probably something about the Middle Ages. Yeah, but is it like episode three or episode four?
I'm afraid I'm not sure. We're both just lost here, aren't we? This is fucking awful.
People like a happy ending, don't they? Oh, they like a happy ending, yeah, but they don't get it, of course, here. What do you mean?
Oh, you know, the ending, they die. I mean, you know, the lovers, Romeo and Juliet, I mean. They die at the end? Oh, yes, Juliet poisons herself and then Romeo comes in and he dies too.
So we should put a spoiler there, should we? OK. What makes us as creatures turn on each other like that? And could you keep the answer to one short sentence, because otherwise they get really pissed off in the edit? Fear, honour and interest. Really, those are the three... That's it, in a nutshell. Right. I don't know who edits this, but that's going to have to do.
King Arthur came a lot, didn't he? I think you mean that he's associated with the court of Camelot. No, it definitely says King Arthur came a lot. Camelot. Camelot, yeah. It's his court, where he held court, it's a place.
All right. What was Renaissance? Was that a sort of 16th-century ketchup? Renaissance comes from the French, Renaissance, Renaissance, Renaissance is birth, so it was seen as a rebirth. So it's not a condiment at all? No, not as far as I know. OK.
What sources did they use back then? So this is an area of colony history I'm not very familiar with, the history of sources. Oh, so you're not the source person? I'm not predominantly a source person.
We're going to have to rethink this whole interview. What was the Soviet onion? Well, I think you're labelling under a misapprehension, and you probably mean the Soviet Union. No, it's onion, I saw it on a bit of paper earlier. Well, it's probably been misspelt, or you can't read very well, but I think that you mean in historical terms the Soviet Union or the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Well, I don't want to be rude, but I think your man's blown in a bit. Can we stick to the topic of the Soviet onion, please?
OK. What exactly was it? If you don't know, it's OK to say, you know, I won't judge you. What's the most political thing that's ever happened in Britain? Erm... I'm not sure thing... I mean, I think... Gosh, that's a tricky question, in the sense that there are definitely degrees of... Gosh, what's the most political? So, I... There are lots of things that are straightforwardly political, and then there are other things that are not the sort of halfway, I guess, but I can't... I genuinely can't identify the most political. The second most.
Is it true that in the final years of his working life, Beethoven was dead? Well, he was dead for most of his life. Dead. Dead?
Yeah. No? The producer wrote it in the notes. It's definitely here.
In his later years, Beethoven was profoundly dead. Profoundly deaf. D-E-A-F. Obviously, he went deaf when he died, but was he deaf when he was still alive? Yes, he was, profoundly. Yeah, he was profoundly.
But not dead? He wasn't dead when he was alive?
No, no, not.
Physical systems, everywhere in the universe, changes its state, and that change takes place in what we call time, and that's the only way we can infer the existence of time, but actually what time is, we don't know. Right.
How does iambic pentameter work? I think you're talking about iambic pentameter, which is the way that kind of... Iambic pentameter. Pentameter, yeah. Pentameter. Well, pentameter, so... It would be a line of prose that would have ten syllables with five particular stresses on. Not pentameter? No, not pentameter, no, it's pentameter.
Right. Someone told me I was misinformed, it's fine. Who told you? Oh, right.
No, it's pentameter, yeah. Iambic pentameter, just to clarify.
Jesus was killed because people didn't like what he was saying, so could you call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture? I think cancel culture would sort of require the idea that people really saw Jesus as standing for something and they were sure they knew what it was. Oh, no, sorry, that wasn't the question. I'm literally asking if you could call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture for our show.
Down that lens there. Just, you know, it's a sort of, it's for a credit sequence with punchy sound bites in it. Off you go. Down that lens. Okay, down this lens. Yeah. You might even say Jesus was the first celebrity victim of cancel culture. Brilliant, thank you. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Film_Standard_s_Oscars_Special | American Sniper offers a moving portrait of the effects of PTSD on military families, and Selma's depiction of the civil rights crusade is an eloquent rendering of that struggle. And yet, I'm left cold.
Where are the active Valors? Where are the Operation Petticoats?
They may not be paint-by-the-numbers Oscar bait, but they were films that were made with an artistry and a flair for storytelling that barely exists anymore, certainly not among this year's selections. Now, it goes without saying that every film can't be the hunt for Red October. You only get a K19 The Widowmaker once a generation, and that's to be expected. But this crop of nominees just lack that ineffable X-factor that vaults a film into Oscar-worthy territory. Whiplash was hailed as a revelation, largely due to JK Simmons' admittedly strong performance. But is that all it takes to pass for a superlative now? Has it been so long since we've experienced a powerhouse film like Indiana Jones' Raiders of the Lost Ark or Crimson Tide that we've forgotten what true excellence looks like?
And how do we interpret the glaring omission of one of 2014's indisputably greater films, The Lego Movie, from the Best Picture nominees? Chris Miller and Phil Lord's animated feature left me breathless, and yet it only earned a nomination for Best Original Song. It was the biggest snub since 2013's shutout of Black Sea, which, frankly, I'm still reeling from. The lack of recognition for The Lego Movie is all the more maddening because the Academy has demonstrated that it's capable of recognizing films of its caliber.
It can hang its hat on 1981 Best Foreign Film winner Das Boat, wisely regarded as the greatest foreign film of all time. Regrettably though, it seems that the exception proves the rule. By any measure, the only film that's truly worth its salt as a Best Picture contender is The Imitation Game. While the Benedict Cumberbatch-led World War II drama isn't nearly as consistently outstanding as U-571, it boasted several scenes that call to mind the best the cinema has to offer, like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, The Enemy Below, or even the film tied for the most Oscars ever, Titanic. Any film that can do that deserves to take home the Golden Trophy this year or any other. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | hack_wikipedia_and_you_re_never_wrong | Do it. Jump. What have you got to live for? Hey.
I'll tell you, I started carrying strict iron powder with me everywhere. Dissolves in liquid.
Totally tasteless. Changes nothing.
Yeah, I figured. Yeah, you two. The chief wants to see it. Gasp. The chief?
I heard that guy can only orgasm when he wins at Russian roulette. No, the bullets bounce off his head. Any orgasms? He's badass is my point.
Oh no, I got that. Look at the coast, we'll get together, have a few lives. Sorry, I'll have to call you back. We have a situation here.
Wow, were you talking to Bruce Willis? No, I was talking to Die Hard. Was it the part where he walks on the glass? Tell that part I said it's awesome.
Shut up. Which one of you morons posted the biggest racks in country western music article this morning? Uh, I did, sir. Is there a problem with it? Read this. Uh... Okay.
Even though she's aging like a pile of oily rags, I'd board Dolly Parton's loveboat any day. Then I'd go to her cabin and ram her booze with my mast, mast meaning penis.
Oh. And?
Oh, it's funny because I created this metaphor and then I needlessly deconstructed there by highlighting the vulgarity. Dolly Parton wasn't our loveboat. You're thinking of Gallagher. We've already had a commenter point out the mistake. The only hope now is for you two to delete the comment and change all pertinent Wikipedia entries to mention Dolly Parton's guest spot on the loveboat.
That's impossible. Hey, I came to work and I tried seratops today. Don't talk to me about impossible.
Now get out and don't come back until this mess is fixed. Jesus, man. This is some serious black ops shit. Stealth. We gotta go in quiet. Like a knife between the ribs or the fart I just let go. It's not gonna be easy, but damn it, we're the dream team. Come on, man. The way I see it, if we're gonna change Wikipedia, we'll need night vision goggles, full Kevlar, an Xbox 360, and the latest Splinter Cell game. Wait! I think I have repelling cables in the trunk of my car.
And there. There? Where?
Did you see a bogey? How many tangos? Is there a Charlie?
You hacked it? It's our website. I deleted the comments, and then I went to the Dolly Parton page and changed it on Wikipedia. What was the password? Was it swordfish? There's no passwords.
Anyone can edit Wikipedia. You go in, you delete stuff, you write other stuff. What? It's like a dictionary, but anyone can edit it. Didn't we already do this in the Internet episode? Dictionary? As in the foundation of all human knowledge? The store of our accumulated wisdom? Sort of, I guess, except more focused on TV shows.
Change it back, Daniel. Nope. Hack it back, Daniel. Nope.
What if a school kid needs some churro information from a reporter? What if the only thing standing between a rapist and his victim is some choice Dolly Parton trivia? I'd be interested in hearing a scenario in which that was the case.
You can't do it, Dan.
The Chief told us to. Would you burn down the library of Alexandria if the Chief told you to? Would you censor the decorations of independence if the Chief told you to?
There, I changed it back. Really? Yeah. What? Did you want to finish that one? No. To be honest, I kind of ran out of examples. I think I was going to say something about rescuing Anne Frank. Okay, then. But, I mean, you just changed it just like that? Yeah. Why? Do you want me to change it back? No. If they expected more back and forth, then usually you're all... Look, Michael, trying to protect Cracked's credibility is like trying to protect the credibility of a sack of hair. I honestly couldn't care less. Really? Prove it. Change it back. Okay. Wouldn't it? Damn, man.
You've changed. I started drinking before work and at work. Okay, so what's it on now? I kind of lost track. I already closed the window.
Hey, let's play Russian Roulette. I win every time. The trick is to use the Rainbow Bridge.
It takes you right to the Peanut Brittle House. Like right to the bitch's door.
That's Candy Land. You're thinking of Candy Land.
All right. They probably dumbed down the rules a little on the east coast for you salad munchers. That's even a slurp. West? We play it tournament style. Okay. Here's what's going to happen. I want you to load up a scene of Deer Hunter and you're going to watch it while I drink quietly in the elevator. And if you still have questions when I get back, you know. Okay. Wait. What are we supposed to tell the chief? Don't care. That was a low. Oh, yeah. Jenga.
Hello. Hey, Mom. It's me. I just felt like talking. Sweetie, is it urgent? I've got a bit of a ninja attack on my hands.
Oh, sure. Sure. No. Of course. Who's that? No, it's fine. Really. Okay.
Bye-bye. Bye. I love you.
Alone. Always alone. Again, again. |
TheOnion | Ocean_s_8_Production_Assistant_Describes_What_Rich_Women_Smell_Like | 3, 2, 1. Game on.
I'm Hayley Nielsen, and I was a production assistant on Ocean's 8. As a woman in the film industry, it was honestly so inspiring to work on this set with so many strong, smart, successful actresses, not to mention every single one of them smelled fucking incredible. OK, in this scene, you see how Cate Blanchett's hair kind of floats behind her? So in every take, the whole crew would get a waft of her perfume, which I later found out by asking her assistant, was Chanel Gardenia mixed with essential oils? Smelling her on set, we'd all be like, whoa, it was really something special. And Rihanna, like, how do you even talk about Rihanna?
Even though she's mainly known as a singer, she's 100% proven herself to also be a fantastic smelling actress. She just smells so, like, clean. She smells like an ocean breeze, but not in, like, a Yankee candle way. She actually smells like an ocean breeze.
In a film that features so many famous women, you might think that there'd be drama between their signature scents. But really, no. Take this scene. With two powerhouses like Sandra Bullock and Sarah Paulson, you'd think their smells would clash, or one would be fighting to take over the other.
But they actually combined to make this really lovely vanilla, bergamot, lavender, patchouli, cedar, fig, sea salt, leather, rosemary, spearmint combination. It was magical. But even individually, each and every one of these ladies proved she can easily hold her own opposite her male co-star. Here, Anne Hathaway smelled so good, you could barely even notice the hot dog scent emanating from James Corden. What a queen. Overall, Ocean's Aid is really just a testament to the impact of strong, good-smelling famous women.
They inspire me to keep working so that one day, I'll smell half as good as they do. Why do you need to do this? Because that's what I'm good at. |
dropout | heist_night_parts_1_3_outtakes | what's going on we're organizing a charity night for hmm we are setting up a we are having a I will get this one of these days are you sure I hate the way I did that let me do that again yeah Adam I can see up your nose so you kind of bread I didn't know you're gonna eat it like a fucking monster fucking amount of juice on the ground you can touch watch this girl yeah our assistant shy he calls it up God Shane's dead I'm in a room with my co-workers you don't think I'm doing a good job even though I'm fucking nailing it hey hey it's just another box hold on a second we've got let me confirm really fine hey man are you okay you don't have to don't don't do that hey you got it you got to cut it out are you happy you don't know don't you gotta stop Adam you guys are all so into Ali they see a woman that they can sex we're not even kind of the same time oh man we're the same type of girl these men see one type of girl why do you like Ali more than me this is some carry shit you're the mom I want you to leave me alone forever what I'm gonna slap you in the face you're being slapped in the face I'm gonna fucking punch you in the head if you keep doing it don't what do you think this is what do you think it's not no no no no no no you're a fucking pig guys I just figured something out this is great that's it the perfect hi it's Zach from college humor thanks for watching you can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff you can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses let me know how that goes you |
cracked | what_nobody_wants_to_say_about_our_water_crisis | It cannot be overstated that the biggest problem facing humanity right now is a lack of potable drinking water. Ask Matt Damon, ask George Clooney, ask Leonardo DiCaprio, you know, these are the people that have identified the problem, sure. But, you know, as actors, they're not really able to do anything about it.
My device will take human waste and it will transform it through the filtration system into completely clean, completely safe, potable drinking water. Cheers. You know, a lot of people have told us that we should be up front with the fact that although it is completely safe to drink, it will still taste like shit. Perfectly safe.
Matt Franklin, Ben Franklin, he was my great, great, great, great uncle. We've not been able to find any science on that, but, you know, my mom has always told me that. And my last name's Franklin and I'm from Philly, so it'd be crazy if I wasn't, but, yeah, so he is my uncle.
I am aware that the water tasting like fecal matter is not ideal, but we are working tirelessly to fix that. You know, a lot of people say to me that they won't drink water that tastes like, you know, fecal matter.
Fine. So then when the big drought comes, do not come to Matt Franklin, you know, asking for a little bit of my water. You know, you'll have your principles. I'll have an unlimited amount coming out of my ass. I've been drinking it for about a year now and the worst thing that's happened to me is this little rash. I think it'll be fine. |
cracked | why_the_ninja_turtles_master_splinter_was_a_cult_leader_today_s_topic | Hey, did you hear about this guy in New York? Maybe. He found a bunch of kids and brainwashed them. I mean, was it on the news? I don't follow the news.
They all had some kind of performance enhancing like poison in their system and he brainwashed them into being like an army. Like you know they have those all child armies in Vietnam and South Africa and that kind of stuff. He was training four kids to be full on assassins, gave them weapons, sent them out on missions. For years. They're just kids.
That sounds really terrible. Like not something that should be in a cracked article. Or a conversation. He only gave them first names, they had no other friends, they only knew fighting. And this master of theirs forced them to live in a sewer. Where did you read this?
It sounds like the plot of Teenage Mutant Turtles. It's the plot of Teenage Mutant Turtles.
Aha! Damn it. I had an asshole in this conversation, but it was you the whole time. Yeah. Almost as crazy as Master Splinter's Ninja Child Assassin cult. Ah! TMNT isn't crazy. It's cool, you butt. Rude.
Shredder's a bad guy. He's objectively a bad guy. He wants to take over the world. Like a bad guy.
Oh yeah, no I get that, but... So?
Where did you learn to argue? Hitler was bad. Where did you learn to argue? Hitler was bad, but that doesn't mean that I should train a bunch of mutated teenagers to go out and kill him.
They're 15. Those kids never made any friends. They never went to school to learn things. They never got to travel.
They're cool with it. Michelangelo's a party dude.
Not just that Splinter gave them deadly ninja training and deadly ninja weapons. He also made them ashamed of themselves. They weren't allowed to leave the sewers where they lived unless they had disguises or the cover of night.
Give me a break. In the first Ninja Turtles movie we're super mad at Shredder. Why? Because they're taking a bunch of loose kids and turning them into the footclamp, recruiting them for his army. Splinter's doing the exact same thing. They're just two guys in an arms race to see who can brainwash and train the most kids. Splinter is losing, by the way. Splinter preaches compassion and protecting the innocent and doing the right thing. In the first Ninja Turtles movie, what's the first thing that Splinter... his speech to the Terts when they get back from their mission?
He makes them bow around him in a semi-circle and talk about their day. And what does he say to them?
The domain is the shadow, stray from it reluctantly, for when you do, you must strike hard and fade away. Wow, you knew the exact line. That's impressive. But making all of these teenagers bow around their master and hear this shadow speech.
Pretty culty, bro. They're mutant turtles, man. It's for the protection. They wouldn't survive up on the surface. That's bullshit splinter propaganda that I can't believe you believe. He's just trying to make the turtles think he's the only one they can trust. Obviously, the rest of society can accept them. April O'Neil, K.C.O. Jones, a whole nightclub full of people and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. Hell, Vanilla Ice loved them and he was basically King of America in 1991. You really think the Terts would be fine, everything would just be all Vanilla Nice for them up on the surface? No, no, not now, obviously, because Splinter's broken them. In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, they go back to the past, right?
I don't want you to know if I know that.
So at the end, they watch a guy die. There's a bad dude and somebody shoots a flaming cannonball at him and he falls off a cliff. And what does Donatello do?
Machines! No. Mm. Yes. For the purposes of what I'm saying, no. He makes a joke.
He says, bungee jumping without a bungee, that could be dangerous. And the rest of the turtles laugh because death means nothing to them.
What do you gain from making me hate Splinter? Hey, man, I don't want you to hate Splinter.
I just want you depressed, generally speaking, in a general way. It's part of a long-term thing I've got going. Super sad today. They love being turtles.
No, man. No, they don't.
Hey, subscribe to our channel. I'm Cracked.com's Dan O'Brien and I want you to subscribe to our channel.
Hey, it's not working. I didn't get to- Did you do one like Soren? Uh, how Soren would do it? How Soren would do it? Okay. Actually, Soren, you just want to do it? Hey, I'm Soren Bowie.
I'm all about the three T's, tits, two beers, and togetherness, because you and me together, we're going to have a raging time. Ha ha ha! |
dropout | This_Cool_Professor_Teaches_Your_Mom_Email | All right, moms, settle down, settle down, please. My name is Ms. Shunker, but hey, that's the name of my unwed aunt, so call me Ms. S. I am your teacher for today, and we are gonna learn some pretty fun stuff. To start, email. Psh, who's this bozo? I hear she's some daughter here to teach us about computers. Is there a problem, ladies?
Email's a waste of time.
Can't we just read a book? You wanna read a book? Yeah.
Is a book gonna give you coupons? Coupons? Where are coupons? Email has coupons?
Almost too many. Now, um, these textbooks?
Toss them. Uh. Yeah. You can toss them. So you're just sort of gently putting them. I don't throw books. Yeah. You're all very considerate, moms. Okay.
Who here can tell me how to write an email? Oh, yeah. Do you forward a chain message?
No. Don't do that. People hate those.
Anyone else? Do I shout at the machine until I wake up my daughter? Uh, no. Close, but no. Anyone else?
What's my password? My son set up my account, and he said he was gonna write my password on a sticky note, but he never did.
That's a bad sign. Damn. Let's do it. All right, everyone calm down. Mind your business. Okay. Show's over. Okay. We're gonna get that password back for you, right? Thanks, Ms. S. So let's just get it sent to you. Boom. You're in. Thanks, Ms. S. Moving on. Yes. Uh, Ms. S, um, how do you respond to an email? Wow. Okay.
I'm gonna let Einstein, Ms. Eager-Beaver over here. She's funny. She should be on that sign belt. Yeah.
So to reply to an email, you hit the little curved arrow button. So I don't have to write a new email every single time I reply to an existing email?
No. In fact, never do that. That sucks.
So now we're gonna move on to managing your inbox. I like her.
But has she gained weight during this class? Or lost weight? Whatever is going on with her body naturally, it's bad.
Yeah. Focus up. So the next part of this... Excuse me. You in the back? What, no laptop? So? Email's dumb. When am I gonna even need to use that horse hockey? All right. Let's break it down for you.
Picture email like a Kmart. Mm-hmm. But you can't know what's in the Kmart unless you know how to get there. So the internet's like your car. The inbox is like your coupon flyer. And a message, well, that's like a novelty coffee mug with a picture of coffee on it.
I would love that. Yeah, it's incredible. All right. Scram, everyone.
Make sure to do your assignment, okay? Do not write an email with caps lock in it. Well, I can't turn mine off.
Me neither. Well, I'll figure that out next time.
Thanks, Ms. S. Hey, Ms. S. That lesson was pretty cool today. Well, thank you, Linda.
Call me Mrs. Carson. Yeah? Would it... Mrs. Carson, please.
Don't think of me as just your teacher. Think of me as your pal. You can talk to me.
Would it kill you to do something different with your hair? Okay, I like my hair the way it is. It doesn't suit your face at all. Are you kidding me? Tons of people like my hair.
It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh, I got you a gift. Let me tuck you into bed.
And I'm like, ooh, God, yes. So sign up for your free trial today. And it was so great meeting you. If you want to like share some of those candy bars or rewind some time, you know, like, I am available. You know, you get like 125, I can get 125. I don't know, it's just an idea. |
dropout | drinking_games_suck | It felt like scorpions, but in a good way. The Grant, no one cares.
Good news, everyone. College humor just hit its 100th sketch. Hi. Cool. Hey, let's celebrate.
We brought some beer. This is a rare Trappist ale. Let's play a drinking game.
Yeah. Oh, sure. You guys know quarters? Oh, yeah. I played that in college. Shut up.
We're going to play soccer. Soccer.
You know, I don't love drinking games. They kind of take over the night and make drinking feel like a punishment. They're great. It takes something we love and make it competitive. Why don't we just drink beer, you know? Like, why do we have to have that structure around it? I mean, do you guys hate drinking?
You'll figure it out as you go. Ooh, I got the two apart. Okay, a two means you say the same word twice every time. Oh, oh, fun, fun.
Oh, I got a six. Six is for Jax, Sky's drink. No, no, no, six is Jax, girls drink. No, girls drink on four. Are there any tall people drink on fours?
No, it's, hey! Hey!
No drinking till it's your turn. Nope, five spades. Oh, see spades or in tarot.
Cups means we all play flip cup. Grab your cup, Zach. Zach, grab your cup.
Nine, feeling fine, I don't have to drink. I thought it was nine switched to wine. No, that's queen switched to weed. No, that's king switched to Riesling.
Oh, Annabella's cure is fantastic in that movie. You know, I thought she was okay. I actually liked her a lot more in the hand that rocks her needle.
Hey, no talking while you have a jack attack on. Now you have to finish the whole six pack. So I have to go from totally sober to way too drunk instantly, that sucks. Are you saying you won't take the drink? No.
Woo! He's one idiot. One more bear bear, all on his, his words, man, do! Oh, wait, guys, I just got a text from Sam. He said, college humor has meant way more than 100 videos and we should stop saying that?
Oh. Yeah. Oh.
It's fun, though. I was having a good time.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know, take it up with Sam. Woo. Is anyone like a little tipsy? Feels like I'm out, am I out? Because I can like, I can see the top of the camera, so it's, is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Dutton_Wants_to_Know_More_Detail_on_the_Font_NSW_Libs_Make_Promises_A_Queenslander_Makes_the_Di_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Weekly Bulletin. You've got Clancy Overall, Wendell Hussey and Errol Parker in the booth today giving you the rundown on what's been the biggest news on our newspaper and with our audiences this week. You might have seen around the traps that the Batutah Advocate is delving into television.
We've been rather busy on our new TV show that'll be on Paramount Plus and later this year. We're in the midst of filming, can't say too much right now but it's exciting isn't it gentlemen? Yeah I guess you know it's really one chapter ending and another one starting. Lots of NDAs obviously that's why we can't say too much about it but I think it's around June, July it'll come out so it's not too far away actually. They said we couldn't do it but here we are. Look we can't say much but it's an ABC style panel show with some funny sketches.
About the news of the week.
And also like we go out and do things like ask Americans to point to Australia on a map and stuff. Yeah yeah we get schizophrenics to give us sound bites at political rallies. I love laughing at mentally ill people when they're having a full breakdown it's awesome. So it'll make for some great television you might have seen it before but you know it never gets old.
Anyway what's in the news this week Wendell? Well big political story obviously Anthony Albanese has revealed the question he wants to put forward to Parliament in regards to the voice referendum but Peter Dutton is not happy he says we need more detail on what font the government plans to use for this voice question. Yes the federal opposition leader is not happy with this whole voice to Parliament situation because for months and months he has been asking for more detail on exactly what this referendum is going to look like and whether he can start to insinuate that people will start to have their homes taken away from them and while the Prime Minister has provided some detail Dutton says it's just not enough. He says no it's vague and Albanese hasn't even revealed things like what font he'll be using for the question on the paper obviously fonts tell us a lot about the document the person behind it and the tone of what someone wants to do and he just hasn't given that to the people says Dutton so until that happens he just won't be able to support it. Yeah fair enough I think he's called for Imperial font that's what Dutton wants. Comic Sans baby. I have heard from a very reputable source inside the Labor Party that it's actually going to be in simplified Mandarin.
Okay. I think they're just doing that to stir up Peter. Consider him stirred. Some more political news down in Sydney there's an election down there this weekend and the big story we wrote on this it's a bit of a mouthful so I think the Clancy should read this out. Clancy's gonna read it out then here's the headline. New South Wales liberals promise that New South Wales liberals promise they won't destroy tens of thousands of small businesses that once made up a bustling Sydney nightlife economy with exaggerated claims of an alcohol-fueled violence epidemic working in partnership with a billionaire who needed to redirect party goers towards a hideous high-rise casino that his entire family's fortune relied on as well as a struggling Sydney Morning Herald who realized that property related articles are the only things people click on anymore in this scary world of social media and that noisy pubs and cheerful youth do nothing but irritate the boom of property investors that their newspapers last remaining advertisers are trying to fleece with the unchecked and unregulated overdevelopment of a once fun and vibrant international city. Fucking one take. One take Clancy. The lungs there pretty good too.
Mate I think you're being a bit hard on Nine Entertainment Co's second largest newspaper there the Sydney Morning Herald it's actually more or less now the Glebe Morning Herald I don't think they write news for people who live west of the fish markets down there. The Sydney Morning property speculator. That's it well you know aside from you know publications like domain and real estate.com and all of the all the big property developers who are buying ads in those rags and telling them that if they didn't buy a house immediately if they didn't buy one of their off the fucking plan dog boxes in some fucking suburb out near the fucking airport that they were going to miss out that they were that they were going to miss out then you got people at the Reserve Bank who are like you need to borrow borrow borrow borrow if you don't borrow then you'll fucking die and now I've got this situation where god forbid investors are having to pay off their own investments right now. Did you think it's funny how poker machines is the only gambling reform we're talking about in any of our major newspapers hmm I wonder why that is is it because perhaps sports bet pay 40 million dollars in ads to nine entertainment newspapers each year.
I don't think that has anything to do with it and you guys are going on a couple of tangents there I love reading about prefects at Cranbrook and what's happening. We're gonna move on to a story that's a bit more of a safe space now and a Queenslander has prepared the dish of her people for an office Harmony Day luncheon. Yes a Queenslander who has suffered the indignity of having to move to a lesser southern state has prepared the dish of her people this week for her offices Harmony Day luncheon complete with trays of food from around the world Jennifer Boyce Rennie of Capalaba in Brisbane's sunny Bayside district thought it was pertinent to bring a slice of Queenslander to the shuffle alongside all the curries and stir fries as she said what did I make party pies party sausage rolls some nuggets and some of those pasty things complete with smoky bbq sauce and generic brand tomato sauce can I get a hell yeah look she might get a fuck you can get a hell yeah she might get 10 points from you guys but she's got 9.5 from me because she didn't have the Rosellite tomato sauce from a glass bottle yeah I think that's what you need that's a little bit too ethnic for the for the Queenslanders it's not ethnic Queensland that's more southern European the Rosella sauce mate it's named after a bird can you give her a hell yeah please it sounds Italian hell yeah brother good on you Jenny last story of the week and seem to be believed kind of one first-year university students can't believe how loose they are having a beer at lunch first-year law student Gavin Hosking spoke to us this week about letting his hair down and living it up a little bit at uni in his first year the mild overachiever broke with his own strict internal protocol and enjoyed a mainstream craft beer over a lunch special down at the uni bar something he thought he'd never do crazy right Gavin went a bit loco and decided to rip into a full-strength beer that was even though he had a class that afternoon what an absolute madman apparently he was feeling a bit tipsy before heading into his torts class which I believe is some sort of law affiliates one of those things but he reckons it actually made his participation in that class easier ha ha he actually reckons he might like start drinking before like heaps of glasses now it sounds like you're an adult like me and you drink before work young fella yeah even more epic Gavin wait until you drink so you don't go home wait until you have to go to the pub just so you don't have to go home and hang out with your family well hang out with yourself isn't it Oh wall look I'd look don't take me back to lockdown okay look alright so I do go to the pub but I've got friends at the pub good for you yeah good friends of the pub friends in lowly places bar staff TAB girl that young bloke working the kitchen places yeah alright mr. newspaper editor alright that's enough from us this week thank you for tuning in to the weekly but to the bulletin we'll see you when we see is alright yeah have fun with your families |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_28_allana_ferguson | Hello listeners and welcome to the show wherever you are here in the Diamantina Shire or around the world. Thank you for tuning in to another week of the Batooter Advocate radio show here on Desert Rock FM. My name is Errol Parker. And I'm Clancy Overall. Thank you for joining us today, coming live to you out of Koala Mattress Studios in downtown Batooter, the old city district. We have a very talented guest coming into the studio today for a chat.
That's right Errol, we do. Someone who, like myself, had some horrific injuries cripple their career early on in the piece. Rugby league of course. What could have been hey Clancy.
She's achieved a hell of a lot though. Played for a state, her country and excelled at all levels of the game. Not just some scouts talking her up for a possible trial down there at the Red Cliff Dolphins. Yeah well, some Balmain coaches were going to be at that trial as well. Errol, but yes our guest today is an elite athlete who has achieved a lot, a lot more than me. I will admit, she's also a television and media personality and a school teacher as well. Alright, I think the cat's out of the bag now mate.
Her name is Alana Ferguson. You've probably seen her either playing rugby league or hosting it there on channel 9. Yeah, she's been a fresh young face on the channel 9 rugby league team and is currently playing an integral role in the NRL women's comp, getting it off the ground. Yeah, she's been heavily involved in growing the women's game around the country.
But just before we duck into that chat, a quick reminder that Clancy and I are going on a roadshow tour around the country in November and December this year. Yes, we will be lifting the veil on the operations of this newspaper, in the newsroom, all the things that we do to get the hot press out to you. We'll be talking about our upward trajectory as a rival, as our rival media companies fall or merge with channel 9, which is equivalent to falling I guess. It's sure to be a night of laughter, tears and irrational outrage. The show is going to 13 venues across the country, so jump online and visit www.battutaadvocate.com forward slash roadshow, or go to the episode notes to find the details and buy your tickets there before they sell out, inevitably.
But let's move on to today's guest. Yes, here we are with Alana Ferguson. Thank you for joining us today. Busy time of the year for you, Alana.
Yes, very busy. Exciting time of the year though. But yes, there's a lot happening, especially in the rugby league world. Yes, and quite a year for rugby league in terms of much less kind of off-field stuff this year. It's all been about the games getting more and more exciting, obviously, that Rabados and Storm match was probably one of the best of the year on the weekend. Oh, it was huge. Yes. It was kind of like an early grand final. Yes, it was top tier and there's been football like that throughout the year.
Everyone seems to be kind of, yes, sometimes there'll be years when rugby league has a lot of off-field and that's not one of these years, I don't think. No, I don't think so.
And I think there's just so many teams that are likely to go in the winning, I guess, to be premiers this year, which makes it exciting. But also for the fans, it's exciting for them to turn up because no one really knows what's going to happen week in, week out. There's been so many different surprises with teams turning up and their different performances. But yeah, very exciting for rugby league, all of the games and the top eight have been so close this year. And we've seen over the last kind of five years, almost decade, rugby league's really turned it up with fairy tales.
You know, you've had the bunnies coming through with their first one in something 43 years. And then there, of course, there was the Cowboys, their first ever, and then the Sharks are their first ever. And then a couple of years before that, they had the Dragons won their first one after the merger with the Illawarra Steelers, which a little bit of Wayne Bennett magic there.
Yeah, for sure. Yeah, and then everything Wayne was touching at the time was turned to gold. Turned to gold. Yeah. And he did well with Newcastle. Have you seen a change in supporter base and kind of momentum behind the game since we started seeing these kind of premierships that everyone wanted to see happen? Yeah.
Even just for myself living in the Shire, I've been a diehard Sharkies fan forever. So 2016 was massive, but even just living there in the thick of it and seeing, I guess, the supporters day in, day out, you wake up in the morning, you go and get your coffee.
And throughout the tail end of that year, when the Sharks were playing great footy and they did look very likely to win the premiership, people just weren't taking their clothes off. They had their hats on the whole time, they're walking around in their Sharks jerseys. And it didn't matter if they lost or if they won, they just had their Sharks gear on around the clock.
And I think it just brings a little bit of heart and passion back into those local areas. And I'm sure that it would be the same. I can't say the same for if the Cowboys win or when the Dragons won because I'm not there all the time, but certainly in the Shire when the Sharks were premiership.
When they got to turn the porch light off. Yeah. Turn the porch light off.
But yeah, no one wanted to take their Sharks gear off. It was really cool. People were painting their fences, they had balloons up, they had flags going, but it was even before the final series during the lead up. And then even once they won, no one wanted to take it down.
So I think it just ignites a little bit more passion and a bit of heart and yeah, back into the fans and back into the local clubs as well, because that's really important to take footy back to the local clubs and that's what gets kids inspired to want to play, I guess. Tell us about your early days playing. Did you come from Oztag? Is that, you were an Oztag player, a pretty prominent one as well. I actually, the first game I ever played was rugby league.
Right. Yeah.
So I started just before I turned five. I had an older brother who played footy. So I grew up on the sideline watching him and basically just begged mum and dad, I've got three brothers, two younger, one older. So I watched Dane play footy and got on there from as soon as I could, as soon as I got the nod.
I think mum and dad sort of thought that, yeah, we'll say yes, we'll give her a go and she won't like it, but that certainly wasn't the case.
I loved it from the first game and then I played up until the under twelves, but during that stage I did play Oztag as well, bit of touch footy. I liked Oztag probably the most because it related a little bit more, I guess, in terms of game play to rugby league. But yeah, then I played to the under twelves and was basically shattered when it got taken away from me.
Tell us about that. Cause obviously the boys bodies are changing as well and you're playing with, you know, and there's kids probably jumping the gun on puberty, so there's probably some beards getting around. You know, at that age. There seriously was.
I think in terms of the NRL when they made that decision, the under twelves is the perfect age because for me growing up playing with the boys, I was only ever, I was always only there, sorry, I was always the only girl playing except for my final year. But in terms of being on the same playing field, I guess with the boys, it was always, it was always even and it would just depend on your body shape. Like you were either big or you're small or you're fast or you were, or you were strong or whatever it was. But I thought it was always pretty similar, me as opposed to standing next to the boys. But there was a point where the boys did hit puberty and there was actually one match in particular that affected me was our school team. We made it through to state and we made in the semi-final, actually we came up against Ashcroft and there was some boys in that side. It looked like they could have been five years older, they were taller than my dad and just as fast as anyone on the field.
So that was pretty, that was pretty, yeah, that was pretty eye opening. But other than that, like they nailed it, it was fine. Any other game that I'd played in, it was always pretty fair. And yeah, then the next year that is when the boys start getting facial hair and everything kind of changes. But up until that point, I think that, you know, you've either got, you either love rugby league or you don't, you either put your body on the line or you don't. It's pretty, it's pretty fair game.
So there was no pathway then for girls to, to really continue on the game? There was, there was nothing then.
Which was for me, I've always grown up literally obsessed with rugby league. I played it, but also on the weekends, you know, I'd sit with my dad in the lounge and watch, just watch the story. Just loved it. My three brothers, they might watch for 10 minutes and then they duck off and go and find something better to do. I'd always loved doing it, but actually after the, when we won state that year, that was my last game ever of rugby league in the juniors. And I didn't watch the NRL for two years because I was so shattered because I just couldn't, I couldn't understand why they would take that away from me.
And I just thought it was so unfair because that, that was me. That was who I was. That was what I love doing. It was all I wanted to do really. And being a kid, like I was 11 years old, I just was so upset.
I didn't understand it, but there was nothing for me to go to. There was just nothing. There was like, you couldn't, you couldn't find something. So there was no alternatives, like you couldn't go to, to union or to, or anything?
I could have probably gone to union, driven to Sydney, but like if you grow up in a rugby league family, it's what you love. Yeah. It's hard to catch up, isn't it? I've played rugby sevens and I gave it a crack and it was fun, but I didn't love it. It was the same for rugby as what I do for rugby league.
And that was the part of me that was missing. That was what I missed.
Yeah. You don't often see a league player move over to union for less money, do you? No, definitely not. Because it's just, it's just ingrained in you, especially if that's what you've always grown up with. And that's your passion. Yeah.
We spoke to Sam Kerr earlier in the year and she was saying how AFL for her, there was a point when she, you know, she, Oh, I'm going to now have to become the best soccer player in the world. You know, she said, but had I had that option, I'd be the best AFL player, you know, in, in, in, in that kind of world. Yeah. And how she was forced to do that, you know, as a great athlete. And it's almost like crossing over, like for someone who's grown up playing rugby league, it's probably even worth playing a completely different sport because there's two different minds for rugby league and rugby union. And, you know, you could have gone into anything, could become a swimmer after that and channeled that, but you just kept, you just kept chipping away.
Where were you for those couple of years? What were you doing? So when I stopped playing footy, do you mean when I was younger?
I always played Oztag. So I think Oztag was kind of created. It was a pretty new game when I was about seven or eight. So I'd played Oztag the whole way through.
I played a bit of touch footy, but just didn't really love it. But yeah, I just kept playing Oztag and through school, to be honest, I played any sport. I just did absolutely everything just so I could get the day off school pretty much and keep going through. But I played cricket, I played softball. I played every coat of footy. I played soccer on Sundays.
I kind of just did everything. So you were one of those kind of local kids? I was the tomboy that ripped into everything. And you were, you know, you're going to districts and then you're going to state and then you're, yeah, that was me, just whatever I could.
Never for shot put though, just for the running races.
So your parents were doing a lot of driving too? Oh, I feel sorry for my parents thinking back to it now, but we had some pretty cool times. We'd always have like touch, touch footy tournaments out in parks. So mum and I would go on road trips and be pretty cool. But yeah, mum and dad were the best, always came to everything, which I'm super grateful for.
Is there a competitive streak as well where they're kind of, you know, more so than just your love of the game. It's kind of like they, they really love seeing, you know, you come home with some silverware.
Oh, I don't know.
They're pretty chilled actually. They're pretty chilled.
They just love, they're not tennis parents. No, they're not. And they're not those parents on the sideline that are yelling things out.
They'll at the end of the game to say, great game. Did you have fun? That'd be their first question. Dad would always offer a little bit more in terms of analyzing the game and what happened, but always very positive to the point where I'd go, dad, can you just tell me three things that I did wrong so I can fix them? And he'd be like, okay, well there was this, but it took a lot to get out of him. But yeah, no, they were great. And then when, when, so you started, um, uh, into the professional realm. How did you jump into that? For playing footy? Yeah. After school. When did you reignite the, uh, the love or did you get the tap on the shoulder?
When was, when was, uh, well, so what happened was I actually got scouted and played rugby sevens for a little bit and it was about 18 months out from the Olympics and that was when they were recruiting and they were going to different codes. So I think they'd come to possibly one of our international matches for Oztag and watch those. And I kind of got the tap on the shoulder and I joined the rugby sevens program and I toured to, we went to China, um, with the, with the Australian team and I did my knee there. So I snapped my ACL over in China.
That was your first one, wasn't it? No, that was my third one. Third jumping, Jesus.
So you've done a lot of that stuff, uh, just playing at club level. Yeah. So I did, my first ever ACL was actually playing touch football for New South Wales. My second ACL was playing Oztag and my third ACL was playing rugby sevens. And then from that, that was a really big game changer for me, especially mentally. Um, just because I'd finally gotten back to playing contact sport and actually at this point in time, there were rugby league competitions. This was kind of the first year that it was all happening, especially underground anymore. Yeah.
So, um, but I, but I decided to give rugby sevens a crack and when I'd done my knee over there, it kind of just put everything into perspective for me. I was like, okay, this was a great opportunity and I loved it for the time that I was there for the six months or something. It was pretty full on, but I did really enjoy it. It was very testing cause there was so many new things that I had to pick up on. But for me, it just put footy into perspective and what I was doing and just enjoying life really, because I've only ever played footy cause I love it. Um, so yeah, I just decided to rip into rehab and I put so much time and effort into training, full body transformation. Like I look like a different person. Um, I was certainly a lot fitter and faster, which is pretty uncommon to come back from your third knee reconstruction and be better than what you were before it. But I think it was just that just came back to the time and effort that I put in and, you know, relearning how to run, relearning how to change direction, just everything from scratch and doing everything absolutely perfectly to the last tee. But yeah, I just wanted all I wanted to do from that point from literally laying on the field, I looked up in the sky and I was like, well, I know I've done it. I'm going to be playing rugby league next year. And that, that was it for me. And to be fair, the last reco that I had was actually probably the easiest to get through in terms of my recovery and my rehab, just because I'd, I'd never, I hadn't felt that motivation for a long time because I knew what I could get back to.
How old were you when you did your first ACL? 15. 15. Yeah, which is pretty tricky because as a 15 year old, I'd never had to have 12 months off sport.
Right. So that was a year off. Yeah. So recovery is 12 months. Really? That's just, every time for an ACL. And what were you doing? We get into video games or you just, no, I got into coaching actually. All right. Yeah.
And I started coaching, well, the first year I assistant coached the 16s Aussie team. And then after that took over and started doing the 18s myself. The first year I probably didn't appreciate it enough because I was a little bit paved off that I had to coach and I couldn't play. But as soon as I got back to playing, I grew a passion for coaching as well because I realised how much I enjoy it and how much I help, how much I love helping people out there in the field and analysing the game, changing things and then seeing it work is, is a pretty cool thing. So that, that's kind of when my passion for coaching, I guess grew when I was able to appreciate that I could play and coach and that coaching was a choice, I guess.
Yeah. And do you, so do you, did you have a favourite player growing up, rugby league wise? Yeah, Joey. Joey Johnson. And are you seeing that now happening where young girls can say they have a favourite player that isn't a guy? Absolutely. Yeah.
And to me, that's the most exciting thing. And I don't, and I love that I had that my favourite players were boys and, and I would still love that if girls had favourite players that were boys. But I also love that there's boys out there that have favourite players that are the females out there and, and same with the women. Particularly rugby. You look at the, you know, Aaliyah Green and, and then Charlotte Casling running out there. Yeah, that's what you, you just have, I just love that people can acknowledge athletes and for who they are and what they're doing on the field.
But certainly for me, I never had that choice.
So the fact that that's even possible now is, it's really exciting. To be honest, it kind of warms my heart. Like I get tingles thinking about it. I got a message off my friend this morning, a picture message, and she'd driven past and saw four of the women, one from each of the NRL teams on a billboard and I literally, my tears started building up in my eyes. Cause I was just so proud. And I was like, look, look where we are now. Like, this is so cool.
Little girls get to drive past this every day and see them up there.
How amazing is it? And do you think it's as a whole doing wonders for rugby league? I mean, we've seen it, you've seen it in AFLW has given, given the, you know, Aussie rules a kick.
Yeah. What are you seeing on, cause you're out and about, you're on the ground. You get to see, you know, the game change as it does. Yeah. What kind of changes are you seeing?
I think overall it turns rugby league into a family game. Everyone has a reason to go to the footy. Um, so for me, that's probably the biggest thing. And the most exciting thing is, especially when the women's games are played before the men's, um, everyone has a reason to go there, which is really cool, uh, but also just getting that little bit of attention, I guess, and getting those big games and on those big fields and on free to air TV. It's just exposing the fact that women can play. Um, but in terms of rugby league benefiting from that, it's, it's enormous, it's enormous for sponsors. It's enormous for little kids at home. It's enormous for growing grassroots, which is the most important thing.
But I think it's had a positive aspect or positive influence, sorry, on every aspect that they've included. I can't see any negatives with it.
And I think that that'll only continue to rise as the game grows. And also as more players come and join, because essentially what you want is, and the aim for us is to get little kids, boys and girls to sign up and play the game that we love and just get involved because we know how much you get out of the game, whether it be mates at training, playing against your opposition, learning new people, getting to travel, but you're playing for a reason and you're putting your body on the line for the person next to you. So I think just getting more people to the game, getting more people to see, and then boys and girls involved in the game. That's, that's what it's all about.
Do you recall, I mean, regardless of kind of injuries, the toughest match you ever played, was it, would it have been a Jilaroos kind of match? Do you remember?
Oh, state of origin. Yeah. Yep. State of origin.
Um, so it was the first year that we won. The first year I ever played, we drew for all. And before that Queensland had won for 17 years in a row. So the first year was tough. Um, for all was really tough. But the year after that, the year that we won, that was the hardest game of rugby league I've ever played.
I actually didn't even get to celebrate too much because as soon as the hooter went, I was in the bathroom throwing up for two hours. Cause I was just got so beat, but it was so worth it. And you literally just leave everything on the field in a state of origin game. There's not, there are no words for it. It's so physical, it's brutal, but it's also just the best thing that I've probably ever done. And just to give so much of yourself for your teammates, I guess, and literally leave the field knowing that you left absolutely everything out there. It's a pretty cool feeling. Well, throwing up that's kind of marathon top behavior.
Oh, I was a target. I made 46 tackles that game. I was a definite target. Get the blondie on the edge.
Yeah. Um, but anyway, it didn't work. We won a few days.
Now, uh, can you tell us a little bit about moving into your career in media? Um, not everyone has that opportunity. Definitely not, you know, both genders. Um, there's only room for so many kind of media personalities.
You've, you've, um, got a knack for it, but what did you have planned after like your six down knee reconstructions and ACLs? What, what was your plan? Was you? I didn't, I haven't had a plan.
My plan has been, um, to just love everything that I do. And when I finished school, I, I went to uni, I became a PE teacher essentially because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Um, I knew that I wanted to do something, uh, in sport, but I couldn't pinpoint what that, what that was as most 18 year olds can't. So I still went to uni and I did my degree and I've been teaching ever since. Love it. Still love going to school. I still kind of try and get there a day or two a week. But in terms of a big plan, I haven't had one just because I've enjoyed everything that's happening along the way.
I also prayed that I didn't do my knee again. Um, I knew if I had have done my other knee, if I had had done my right knee, not my left knee this time, I'd still be playing. I would have been able to get a knee reconstruction and keep going, but it was just the fact that it was my left knee.
So to be fair, I didn't have too much of an end goal other than my goals were all just around growing the game, enjoying what I'm doing, traveling, making friends, being in love, just doing everything that I could, um, and making the most of time. But as soon as I'd done my knee, it was a pretty big shock and I was like, okay, something's got to happen here. But I was fortunate to get my foot in the door before that happened. Um, the first time that I'd, I guess, been asked to go on TV, which is, which is essentially where it all happened was after my Auckland nines debut. And so it was the first time that I played for Australia. So for me, it was pretty massive. Um, and I just had to do a couple of interviews when I was over there. I had a couple of decent games, I guess. So I got picked out of the crowd to do those interviews. And as a result of that, I was asked to go on the Sunday footy show on channel nine when I got home and then the Thursday night footy show as well.
And I was really uncomfortable with it, to be honest, especially given that I'm the small, I was always the smallest person on the field. So, and I had blonde hair, so I was already a massive target and I'm just a huge tomboy that loves footy and doesn't want to do anything else. The first time that I was asked, I was pretty hesitant. I didn't want to do it. I was kind of like, I've got enough attention drawn to myself. I just want to play football. But I got talked into doing it the Sunday footy show.
And it was actually, um, yeah, Freddie was on there. Stella was on there. Pretty cool because I grew up watching them and absolutely idolizing them, which is, was amazing in itself.
That's probably the, that was probably the draw card to get me on there. Seriously, what do I get out of this? Just a photo would be fine.
Um, and then the next day actually was just in Woolies getting the groceries in, a dad came up to me and I remember exactly where I was. I was in aisle four, I was getting some cereal and a dad came up to me and he said, Hey, I saw you on the show yesterday and they showed some highlights from Auckland Nines. And he said, my daughter's been asking me for years to play rugby league and I never let her, but I'm going to now.
And for me, even now speaking about it, like I have tingles going down my spine, cause I was like, Oh, well, that's what it's all about. And that's what this can do. So I don't, I haven't necessarily ever been comfortable with the thought of being on TV, but for me, it was just about flicking that switch and making it about the bigger picture and certainly not myself because turning up there, I'm not comfortable with it. I don't like her in makeup. Um, but then, you know, looking at the other side of things, people are going to start playing now, especially little girls, it's all about growing the game and giving those girls the opportunity that, you know, some of us never had or, and things to come. So it put it into perspective pretty quickly for me. And I enjoy it every, I enjoy it more each time, just because I get that little bit more comfortable with what I'm doing. Do you find it gets easier to be on television? Like the, the more you do it?
Definitely.
I even, even now, even going from last weekend to this weekend, I'll be a little bit more comfortable. I guess the best thing for me is just remembering that it's about football, not being asked about politics or anything. So it's all being asked about what I know and I totally understand the game and I know everyone that's playing. So it's pretty cool. Is it harder than, than playing a game of rugby in front of all these people? Oh God, yeah. Because playing footy comes naturally to me. It's all I, that's all I've ever done. It's what I know.
Um, speaking in front of crowds or to a live audience or with people in the background shouting, when people are trying to talk in your IFB, they're telling you you've got 10 seconds to go. You forget what the question was.
That certainly doesn't come naturally, but again, I think it just keeps coming back to thinking about the bigger picture and I do, once I, once I settle down and once I get a little bit more comfortable, like I enjoy it so much. The people that I work with are amazing. As you said, Sturlow, Joey, Freddie, Lockyer, Wally Lewis. Like I get to work with the best of the best and talk footy with them, which is what I love doing.
And it's good to have a female personality that's played because, you know, there's, there's plenty of journalists, um, and then they're great and they, and they know the stuff. They know the theory, but you've, you've been out there and you've played it in practice. So it's, it is good. Then that's probably further to promoting the game, right? You, you actually, when I was playing, you can say that. I can remember when I was playing. Yeah, it's cool too. Now that the women's comps on and channel nine, we covered the origin game and now we're covering the, um, the women's NRL. It is really cool because I've either trained for them or played against them. And, you know, you know, their nicknames, you know, their backstories, and they're the kinds of things that I've always enjoyed through the commentary, listening to the men talk about is just those little things, those little personal touches that they have to add and to contribute to the conversation rather than just calling the football game. So for me, I feel very lucky.
I guess it was just timing and me doing my knee again, whilst that was devastating. Cause my whole career was over. I should clarify to the listeners. It wasn't 16. That was an exaggeration. She didn't do 16 ACLs, just four, but yeah, it's just opened another door in what I'm doing.
I'm I am really loving it. It's really cool.
Now you said that, um, you know, rugby league with the inclusion of the women's has become more of a family kind of thing and not just the game, the actual, um, sports media landscapes changing a lot as well. Um, including, you know, what we just spoke about. Um, how do you find that world as a, you know, a woman in a, in a predominantly kind of, I mean, a lot of the stuff you're going to be talking about some men's football, um, obviously it's changing, but how do you find that you can, well, you just know the game so well that you're, um, yeah, you, you, that's not the part that I'm uncomfortable with and I've grown up in a man's world cause I've always grown up, um, playing footy. So I'm certainly not uncomfortable with that part. The thing that I feel most comfortable about is talking about football and playing football. So I guess it just comes back to that. I just feel very fortunate and very lucky to, I guess I've stepped in at the right time because if it wasn't me, it's, you know, it's, it's going to be someone else and I, and I want there to be other people, um, to join it and to keep growing because for me as a young girl, I would have loved to have had those plays out there to aspire to, but certainly for, for young girls out there that want to get into the media and that's their aspirations. They then have women to aspire to as well.
So, I mean, it's not just Stirlo and Fatty eating chilies on a panel. No, there's a girl in there giving them rib punches there, come on. Now, um, you, you, yeah, we're talking about, um, a lot of stuff we've been writing about on Batutah this week involves the off field. And like I said before, everyone's been behaving, but there was a little bit of hysteria and a little bit of a vortex that everyone got caught in last week with the Bulldogs.
It was a big fine though. Yeah, it was a big fine. It was a big fine.
And, um, and you know, some might say excessive. You've, you've been in that world too. And, and I'm sure, and you don't have to go into it too much. That's lucky.
The women's have mad Mondays as well. Um, the women are worse than the men's.
Let me tell you. Yeah, sweet Caroline, you know, that's, that's what the boys were playing. Um, yeah. What did you think of that?
Do you think that might've been a bit excessive? You mean, I know that no one you worked for was, was really, um, blasting them, but the media was. Well, they're always going to be looking for another story. And it is a shame that it gets taken off the game because I think that's the biggest thing that, I don't know, the negativity, it's not necessary. They've just gone through, like for a rugby league player to put your body on the line through preseason, through all of those matches, I think a celebration at the end is warranted. The fact that, uh, they were in the spotlight, there probably could have been a couple of decisions that they may have been able to make that could have been a bit smarter, which was just four walls, no windows, but I think it's pretty, I think it's, they're pretty hard done by, they deserve to celebrate just like anyone else that don't get too much of those opportunities through the season, they put everything into it and yeah, it was, it's tough. It's tough to watch. I know there's plenty of stories behind the scenes of everyone piping up saying, you know, how unlucky it was and that it was tipped off and whatnot. So I think it's a shame for them for that to be the case. But again, if you don't want anyone to see anything, four walls, no windows, four walls, no windows, and don't host it within five kilometers of every media outlet in the country. But, uh, one thing we would say then, and it used to be an attitude in professional sport is, you know what, it might seem excessive and it might seem like it's, they're overdoing it.
But when you are essentially a robot playing football training day in, day out for an entire year, maybe a little bit of a bender is a good little recharge or a good little reset, particularly heading into the off season. It's good to kind of just, uh, let off some steam. And did you, did you find that with your, with your like low key, uh, non-eventful kind of, uh, boring mad Mondays that you did? I think it's, I, to be honest, I think team bonding is one of the most important things. And if you can put everything into a season and come out the end of it and celebrate, then that's the best thing. It's a great, you need to be a group of mates, I guess, and it, and it's work for them, but they all need to be on the same page and they get through so many of their struggles.
And, you know, you miss out on a lot when you're a full-time athlete. You also have a pretty cool life, but you do miss out on a fair bit. And then the things that you miss out on you with these people every other minute of the day.
So I think it's, I think team bonding, coming together at the end of it, celebrating, getting through, we survived another year. Let's get ready for next year. I think it's really important. Yeah.
Tell us about what it was like to play for the Sharks. You, you grew up supporting the Sharks, you're from the Shire and you were lucky enough. That was one of the teams that were running a women's side and, and they're still working, you know, kind of one of the more prolific women's sides in Cronulla. How was that? To be honest, a dream come true.
I have a picture at home that I drew when I was little, of me in a Sharks jersey. And I've always been a big, and I think it's something that my parents instilled in me was to always write down your goals. And I'm talking little, I must've been six or seven because the picture that I drew is below average, but I can make out that it's a Sharks jersey.
But, you know, writing those things down forever and having those images in your head for that to actually come true was mind blowing. I still kind of don't even believe it. But the second that I put that jersey on in, and I remember warming up for our first game, it was like it just fit better than everything else. And I wasn't even emotional. I was just like, could not wipe the smile off my face from ear to ear, so happy just that that day was actually able to happen.
But a massive, I guess, thank you deserves to be given to the Cronulla Sharks because the NRL wouldn't run the competition. They actually made a statement when it was all happening that they wouldn't run a competition until 2020. So the Cronulla Sharks were the first club to ever give us women's NRL contracts. And that just meant that instead of us paying our own rego, buying our own boots, buying our own gear, just having the one coach that doesn't really have anyway has just has just coached club footy, in a sense, to then to then being completely supported, getting paid to play footy. But then everything else on top, the coaches, the welfare, all of the staff supporting us, just little things like gym memberships. That was enormous. And they had to do that on a club level because the NRL wouldn't do it.
Do you think the fact that they had you in the back of their minds as well, like they thought like, you know, we experienced players so, so, you know, loyal to the Sharks that they just knew they could do it? Do they could they see the writing on the wall? I was actually a part of the conversations 12 months beforehand. So there was a core group of us pushing for this to happen and making the club see and believe that it was possible. So I think I might have put that or helped put that into their heads possibly.
But it was always a no brainer. And especially on club land, even in the real world, you always need sponsors, you need money to make anything happen. It can be a dream, but you need people to believe in it and to invest in it.
And I think that's what our women's team brought to the Cronulla Sharks was more possibilities, more opportunities. They were running a business, but they also saw that the product that we could sell essentially on the field was going to work and that they believed in it. So for us, just playing and training, that gave us a lot to train for. It was a very positive thing, very exciting that they did believe in that as well. And then, yeah, it forced the NRL to make that decision to bring forward the women's NRL competition.
Well, the inaugural season was this year and there was one very glaring omission from that competition. And it ended up a little bit north of where the Shire is, it ended up at the Dragons.
How did that happen? There's not too many great explanations. I haven't been given a good enough explanation. Basically, all that was come out and said was that it was because of geographical spread.
But the Roosters have one too, don't they? Correct.
And also the Roosters don't have an affiliated competition or club team, whereas we at the Cronulla Sharks did. We had Cronulla Carringbaar, but then also all the junior competitions from the girls all the way through to the women's established. So it makes absolutely no sense to me because the pathway had been created in Cronulla, the products had been created in Cronulla, and then it was turned back for no reason other than geographical spread.
So it was pretty massive slap in the face. It might be worth an investigation, really, by two of the Herald's more competent investigative reporters, Kate McClymont, if you're listening. Yeah, no, and that is a shame, because obviously the Sharks put a lot into this thing.
Well, they dipped into their own pockets to make it happen. Yeah. But they did have all that money from the premiership. Well and truly deserved, waited a while. And everyone behaves themselves. So they're not forking up quarter of a million dollars after every post-season celebration, like some clubs are.
Now, you and a lot like Ruwan Sims come from a family of boys. She actually comes from a family of like professional athletes, all of them, all the brothers are playing, even right now. Your brothers, at what point did you start overpassing them, just flying past them? Oh, my brothers all played rugby league at a different point in time, but they all stopped. So even just in junior rugby league, I played from five all the way through to under 12.
So none of them did that. They're all so different.
All love their footy. My older brother was really good at cricket. My two younger brothers, the Kurt, who's under me, he kind of moved to AFL after a while. He's got like a really tall, lean physique. Perfect for AFL. He gets folded playing rugby league.
Yeah, none of us have too much beef on us. So that probably wasn't great for the boys, to be fair to them.
But my youngest brother Mitch, he probably played for the longest after me, but we were always playing in the backyard. That was how mum got me to finish my dinner. She said, if you finish your broccoli, you can go and play in the backyard or you can go play knee footy with the boys in the lounge room. So we've always loved it and always played it at home.
But yeah, I think I probably just had the biggest passion for it, I guess, out of us kids. I was always the most feral too, which is pretty standard.
Well, Ruan's, you know, her brothers, those are big boys, Tarik. Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are big boys.
So they could probably keep moving forward with it too. Now, we've seen in sport, there is that idea of some of the greatest things will come through, you know, team sport. And sometimes, you know, there'll be blow ups.
And everyone who's played sport, and I imagine professional sporty is much worse, have seen the red mist where they might not be behaving. What are your thoughts on Serena? Because she had the red mist.
Yeah, and it was and it was, and it's obviously turned into something else. So you don't need to really don't don't worry about the cartoons or anything that's come since then.
But do you? Yeah, what are your thoughts on how, how that all came to play?
When I heard her speaking, I could, to be honest, I just heard a passion. And I guess that's where it stemmed from was just the passion.
She doesn't believe that she's a cheater. I wouldn't cheat. And that's, I guess what I think she's been pretty hard done by. She probably, if she could go back, she might not have conducted herself the same way.
But certainly when you put everything into one game, because it is match by match, especially for tennis players. When you put everything into one thing, it's your whole world for that, for that period of time.
So I think that just reflected how much she puts into a game and her passion and that she truly knows that she isn't a cheater. So I don't know that it reflected the right way and that she probably conducted herself perfectly. But for me, it just shows how much she puts in, how much she cares. And that's kind of how it was reflected, I guess.
Yeah, you've, you've given a referee a spray before as well. I don't know. I'm actually pretty good. Yeah. Maybe, maybe a core. Yeah, I'm pretty good. Yeah, to the referees, definitely. To the opposition, not so much. I cannot banter on the field because I am so much more than everyone and I will literally just, I already get beaten up. So I have to be pretty smart with what I say to who. So the ref's probably my safest option out there. But no, I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good. There's definitely been a couple of slip ups.
I was worse when I was younger. Certainly, certainly since I've grown up, I was a little bit better. But I was pretty shocking when I was a kid, actually. Yeah, but I think I matured with age slightly, I hope.
Do you think, what do you think of the way the AFL have done their women's program? Love it. Do you love it? Do you think, do you think there's anything that the NRL can kind of take from that? Absolutely. Yeah.
I think that they produced, well, they, they provided the structure of how to do it. And I think that the AFL in general do that. You know, you turn on your TV on grand final day and you watch the AFL. And even just going back to the media side, what we were talking about before, people covering the game, whether they be journos or whether they be analysts of the game, there's a 50-50 split of men and women. And then just the way that they do the pre-game entertainment, then the match. I think that the AFL do it very well.
And I don't think there's any real reason to have a look at their structure and say, well, let's not do it like that just because we'll be copying them. Let's look at it and say, hey, they've done pretty well. Why don't we, why don't we use that and not come up with our own?
There's definitely different ways that I would have done the NRL, the women's NRL competition. Would have included Cronulla, I don't know. But yeah, definitely would have included Cronulla. I probably would have changed the whole game in a sense.
But the fact that it's out there and it's happening, that's the most positive thing. And just the fact that they've started it, they can certainly and I'm sure that they will and they're going to make a fair few adjustments and changes and to continue growing the sport. But I'm just over the moon excited that they've actually done it. And it's a starting point.
So there's one thing, I don't know, hypothetically, if you still had your knees of steel, would you play for the Dragons? No, no, you'd be sitting out anyway, you'd be waiting. Well, I'd take any opportunity I could to play, but you got England. Yeah, no, no, I think I'd just wait it out because there's, there's eight teams. I wouldn't wait it out. No way. I'd be playing.
Yeah. I was brought into a conversation this year about helping coach the Roosters. So that probably would have been the most likely outcome, being a part of that. But if the Warriors said, hey, we want you to come over, I'd say, yep, let's go. Like, I'm all for trying something new, as long as I'm out there playing footy. And building the game. Yeah.
And also, I really enjoy learning off new coaches. So if I could go over there and play with new women, learn from them on the field and in training, and then having a new coach, I would have taken that with both hands for sure. Well, there's eight teams now in the women's AFL teams, in their competition, and two more are joining next year, and then four more in 2020.
And that's, that's basically a full draw. Yeah.
Is the women's league moving on at that pace? Or is it still trying to find its feet really? Do you know the most frustrating thing about and I'm not, I don't play a role in the process of the NRL and how they're doing it. But for me, being a supporter of the game, and being passionate about women's rugby league, the most frustrating thing is that there's no strategic plan.
Yeah. So they can't tell us or anyone what's happening next year. And that's what I want to say. And I think that's what the AFL have done really well is they've got their plan. They've had it from the start. A lot of people say that the women's rugby league this year might have been a little bit rushed. I don't think it was rushed. I think the timing was perfect. Yeah. Because women's sport in Australia in the world is exploding. And this is the right time. Now you've got the people here, you've got the players, you can do it. But yeah, I just find it hard to, I'm a very goal orientated person. Yeah. And even just being a supporter of the game, I want to know what's happening, what's coming up, being able to talk about it, being able to promote it, being excited for the women, being excited for the young girls playing, you know, you go and watch it under 16s, under 16s game and say, hey, in two years time, this is what the women's NRL is going to be doing. We can't even have those conversations yet because we don't know. So that's what I'd like to see out of the NRL is a strategic plan. Yeah.
Can you tell us just quickly, like you were saying, you kind of got scouted from Oztag to play rugby sevens with, with, you know, there's a lot of young girls playing sport quite competitively in Australia. Where do you think rugby league could start looking as well? Just to bring a few, look, is it, do many other sports, you can see the talent, obviously, you know, there's the rugby codes, but how do netballers go out there? We don't have too many netballers.
They don't, they don't, they don't usually make the cross. They don't code hop that much. No.
Well, until this year, there hasn't been a reason for it because what are the incentives to come to rugby league? If you haven't grown up loving the game, those incentives will come now as a result of the women's rugby, women's NRL competition being on free to air TV, which is massive and the game growing and sponsor opportunities and certainly being able to be paid to be an athlete. But I think they will, they haven't, those opportunities haven't been there in the past. So you don't see too much of that. A lot of the women that play rugby league now have either just joined in the last couple of years, like the younger, the younger girls, the guys that are around their twenties, they've just joined in the last year or two. There's not many of us that played when we were younger with the boys just because it was never as common.
But I think in terms of which codes to get people from rugby unions are no brainer. But then also your touch, your Oztag, beach sprinters, like Elliot Green, you mentioned her name before rugby seven, she was a sprinter, power athlete, Charlotte Kazlik was touch footy, Emmett O'Nagata was touch footy. Football backgrounds, like different codes of footy, that certainly helps because you've got those base, those skills. But if you're a professional athlete, you can teach someone how to catch and pass. And if you're a netball player and you want to come and have a crack at rugby league, you can do that because you understand how to analyze a game.
You're just transferring those skills over to something else. Now, just lastly, we'll let you go in a second.
Who do you reckon's got this this year in the remaining comp? In which, men's or women's? Both. Men's, I like Souths.
I think on their day, they have the most creative and the most challenging attack. It kind of just comes back to how they're performing and how they turn up. I think that they're a very confidence-based football side, but when they turn up and they're packed with confidence, the players on their team and just the threats that they have all across the field, they're looking to score on any tackle from any point of the field. And they can be absolutely brutal to an opposition out there. So I think they're the most threatening side to me, but they're also very beatable. And I think that firstly comes to just getting in their heads and shutting them down.
Want a chink in the armour. I'd love to see a Souths Roosters grand final.
I don't know if that'll be the case this year. But then for the women's at the moment, we've only seen one round so far. But at the moment, I think it'll probably be a Broncos.
Bronx. Yeah, Broncos are looking pretty good out there. Their forwards are pretty strong, but their hooker, Brittany Brailey, is a genius out of dummy half. And their half, Ali Briginshaw, reads the game as well as Joey Johns did. Queenslanders as well.
I know. It's hard for me to say, don't you worry. But yeah, they're probably my top contenders at the moment. OK.
Well, thanks for joining us today. Thank you for having me. This has been a great chat.
And let's get Granola back in there. Let's have the powers that be. Hopefully they're listening. Yeah, they might be listening. Yeah, let's get the shy back in there.
Let's get Townsville. Let's grow this game.
Thanks for joining us. And that's it this week for the Petuta Advocate radio show or the Petuta Advocate podcast, if you're tuning in online. Remember, we are going on tour at the end of the year. Please come along. Tickets are flying out the door. You can get them at www.petutaradvocate.com slash roadshow. That's it for this week from us.
I'm Clancy Overell. You be kind to each other. And I'm Errol Parker.
Make sure to never talk to the police without a lawyer present. And stay out of the pokies. Until next week. |
TheOnion | Biden_Criticized_For_Appearing_In_Hennessy_Ads | After encountering resistance from the Obama administration, cognac maker Hennessey has agreed to pull a series of ads starring Vice President Jill Biden. The $28 million campaign sought to link Hennessey to the Vice President's suave original personality. When the campaign was announced, a Hennessey spokesperson said Biden's sly trademark grin and international Playboy status made him the perfect face for the luxury brand. This new campaign will finally put a spotlight on the cool and original style that is the nation's Vice President. Sensual, powerful Biden. But insiders say many in the White House felt the ads, several of which feature the married Biden in dance club settings surrounded by young women, should be discontinued. Hennessey announced today it would comply with their requests, indefinitely delaying the release of more Biden ads.
Biden was great to work with. We really just put a camera on him and let him do his thing. A lot of us over here at Hennessey have learned a lesson from him on how to live our life to its smoothest. Speaking yesterday to The New York Times, the Vice President said that he had, quote, a blast working on that slick project with all those classy heads. Biden was definitely in the building.
But today, a representative for the Vice President offered a statement of apology on Biden's behalf. The Vice President never imagined the ads would be a problem, but if some people are going to be bothered by what someone else chooses to do in their free time, OK, he understands his bad. The Vice President is set to appear opposite Rosario Dawson in the direct to DVD drama Desire due out next week. This is the biggest vice presidential advertising scandal to hit the White House since 2005 when then Vice President Dick Cheney was forced to step down as the spokesperson for an industrial strength weed killer.
Coming up, a major Mexican drug cartel signed an exclusive deal with Ziploc today. |
dropout | Bartending_Improv_and_Other_Trends_of_2011_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Peaky Blinders. And I'm Peaky Buttholes.
Let's get right into it. Bacon pigsmit the stuff of breakfast. What about it? For the past ten years I've been shoving... Yeah, whoever's doing the prompter, stop it every paragraph. For the past ten years I've been shoving bacon products into my little pie hole multiple times a day and pouring hot bacon juice into my open wounds as a natural organic bandage. Do you have a news story about bacon for us or are you just wasting your time with a person? No news story. I just wanted to say that bacon is my personality, along with other trends from ten years ago, like...
You don't remember 2011. I don't think I've ever participated in a trend in my life. So, trends that were going on in 2011.
That's like, what, two years after you graduate college? Oh, that's right! Okay, so what's going on two years after you graduated college?
People were bartending, people were taking improv classes. These are just the things that you were doing in your personal life. I don't know what other people do. They asked you to list five, you can't even list one.
Say Fast and the Furious. Oh, Barack Obama was still in his first term as president, so that was a trend. Okay, great. Tonight's first real story.
Corgi butts. Scientists have discovered a gene found in Corgi DNA directly responsible for making their fluffy stink sex.
Looks so damn good. Holy hell! Anyway, scientists are testing out ways to put that gene into humans so our butts can look just as good. I love that. Me too. I'm actually one of the humans they tested it out on.
I am a brand new Corgi bunny. I'd show you how it wiggles, but I can't stand up right now. I'm sitting on a slippery chair, and I've chained myself to it so I don't slip off. Oh no, instead I'll just describe my new Corgi butt. Oh, it's hairy and fluffy. It has, it bounces, it wiggles and shakes. It's white with brown spots. It looks really good when the POV is me looking back over my Corgi butt. Keep going. I, emotionally, it's a joyful butt, but it's also, it's got some, you know, sass to it. It's sassy and happy, and it, and you can't see my butt hole.
Stop, stop that. We have breaking weather news. We turn now to meteorologist Billie Jo Armstrong from Green Day. Terrible news. Terrible news all around. I'm deeply saddened, and I simply cannot continue with the weather today. Do you want me to deliver the weather on your behalf?
No way. You'll be bad at it, okay?
You got that little Corgi butt. It's keeping you from heat sensitivity. You got fur all over your asshole, and that's the extent of my roast. You're roasted. I think you were supposed to roast me, but that's okay.
Ouch. I want to actually apologize for that. It was deeply unprofessional of me. I'm just deeply upset today, and I'm not on my A game because the hailstorm is going to ruin the afternoon, and it's my favorite day of the year.
Number one, call to see if the number is still in service. Number two, call her friends and family. Did they try calling her? If so, they didn't reach her because she died last year.
Three, check that email. Is that email still in service? That email is still in service. Hotmail ain't ever shutting down that email.
Four, hey, do you still have her cell phone in a bag of possessions that passed on to you? If so, give it a ring-a-ling. Five, I got six more to go. Are you sure you want this?
Everyone seems pretty sad, but it's okay because my grandma actually died last year, and I'm having a good time. Five, hey, write her a letter to heaven. Six, visit her in heaven when you're dead. Seven, maybe she's in hell because she's a bad grandma.
I had one of those. I had a good one. I had a bad one.
Eight, hey, give your grandpa a ring-a-ling too. He's dead also? That's the next holiday. Nine, um, hey, call your parents. They're still alive. They miss her too. Ten, eat a big taco. Thanks, Billy Joe. Hey, in that one song you do, it's more like wake me up when COVID ends, am I right?
We turn now to fashion news with Brookstone Skymall. Brookstone? Thank you. I'm definitely the fashion correspondent, not just some dude who ran over the real fashion correspondent with my car and started living my life as him. Great, great, great. So well, now that we have that out of the way, there's not much going on in the fashion world today. Uh, people like wearing the color blue. Hmm, you don't look like Brookstone Skymall, our coworker of seven years.
No, no, no, I definitely am. I'm for real Brookstone Skymall, or whatever you said his name was, and this is my regular job, and I'm really good at it. I'm not pretending. Prove it.
What are ten things that only our beloved coworker would know? Well, we made out the holiday party. We once brought the same color Tupperware, green, to the lunch break room. I like to only take little poops on the third and fifth floor because they're under construction, and it's far away from all the coworkers. Let's see, I go onto the roof and scream at four o'clock every day, which you've all heard. I am the guy who eats fish in the lunch break room and microwaves it. I was the one who put liquor into the punch bowl at the Christmas party. I'm also the one who likes to slack borderline inappropriate gifts in the Slack channel. One of my ex-girlfriends came to the office one day and keyed my car in front of everyone.
And what else, what else, what else? You have eight left to go. I have eight more to go. Let's see, I keep asking everyone to come to my kickball game and no one shows up. Brooke Stone is actually short for Barney Stone because I'm Irish. And that's the last one. OK, well, that all checks out.
What were you saying about fashion? Oh, yeah, I just I just said there's not much going on in the fashion world today. But I like wearing the color blue. See, see, I told you, blue is back, baby. And you said it wasn't.
You owe me $200. Damn it. That's my last $200, too. I'm so pissed.
Anyway, Brooke Stone, Sky Mall refresh my memory. What did you win a Pulitzer Prize for last year? I won my Pulitzer surprise for a biography about not Pulitzer surprise. Well, I won my Pulitzer in surprise. I really think I was going to win. Yeah, let's let's take a little detour. What about your Pulitzer surprise? I would like to know a lot more about what that even is or what it means to win it. Well, Pulitzer surprise is when someone wins a Pulitzer and you tell them that they won by pantsing them and then pretending as if they took a shit, write that in there and gaslight them until they believe it to be true.
Wow, harrowing. That sounds awful.
Thank you.
And I won it for a while. I was going to say a book, but I see this next one is about an article. So I wrote about an article about Bill Gates and how endowed he is. That article changed my life.
That's all the time we have for today. Before we go, today's loser was Amy Vorpahl. Who could have anticipated?
Amy, how's it feel? It feels good. What I would pay for for a day in her mind. Incredible. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_field_correspondent_sarah_sherman_gives_an_snl_studio_tour_snl | Well, guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour. Backstage is Weekend Update's Field Correspondent, Sarah Sherman. I'm going to kick off the tour in our studio audience. it's been a great show tonight with lots of great weekend update jokes from Michael Che specifically. All right, I didn't love this specifically there, Sarah, But sure, go ahead, take us Backstage.
Oh. My. God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys who think I'm an ugly little boy. And oh My.
God, how cool, Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my Size Zero pants. Yeah, those actually look like children's pants. children's pants, sort of your area of expertise, huh?
Please, let's not do this, ok, Sarah? Oh, I'm actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet. All right, Ok, all right, let's just, can we please just keep going with your Backstage tour, Ok? And what do we have here, ladies and gentlemen, it's Colin Jost's dressing room, or, as our female interns like to call it, the Chamber of Secrets. Ok, no, nobody calls it that. Sarah, please Do Not go in there. too late!
Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. on this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. You are funny. you are handsome. you are the real King of Staten Island. And this one just says, reminder Dinner tonight with Giuliani?
Sarah, I did Not write those. Oh My. God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? those Are Not mine, those are Not mine either. you clearly put those in there. Oh really, what's all this then? Oh, a thing that I threw? Yeah, that was a nude she was going to show, but she didn't have it. Oh My. God, and what do we have here, folks? it's Colin's famous Intern Care. No!
Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey, buddy, for next time, Colin likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee, and just vodka.
Sarah, I told you, you Have To Stop putting interns in cages in My dressing room. Oh My God, Colin, are you collecting me if you're the guy I've been selling these to? Alright, someone please just cut her feet off. Oh, I'm actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che. Thanks, Sarah. this is just in. Local panty sniffer Colin Joes wants to silence Sarah Sherman and his ongoing quest to take down Jewish women? Back to you, Colin. Alright, Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman, Everyone. Love you, Colin! Good night! |
dropout | bleep_bloop_final_fantasy_xiii | You're watching Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Kamau Nanjiani, Brian Murphy, and Pat Cassels. Today we are playing Final Fantasy 13. We're more like he's playing and we're watching. So this is a lot of playing Final Fantasy, it's just sitting back and watching this happen.
This is not the opening, this is the opening. This is the opening movie.
We just started a new game. It looks great. We're all playing Shinobi and Genesis and being like, this is the best video game we'll ever run.
And you were right. What was it? Stacks, shooting the appropriate commands.
I don't want to do that, I just want to fight. You're like the meathead who's like, who doesn't want to learn the art of battle.
They play Battle of the Hill, those are my kids. Now many people realize this Final Fantasy is the Japanese equivalent to Call of Duty. This is how they remember World War II.
You guys were a junior high, was there a kid that sat behind you and just drew Final Fantasy things on his notebook all day? I think everybody did. Was that you? No. I think that's the guy who created it, was also doing that. Do you guys have any friends that wrote awesome Final Fantasy 7 fanfiction where like Sephiroth made out of cloud? I noticed that on the title screen it's like Final Fantasy 13, copyright 2010, character designer and then whoever the character designer is, he gets his name right up front.
He's the star. He's a pretty stream of consciousness here.
There's very like, like, H.P. Lovecraft kind of shit going on here. Well, let's have H.P. Lovecraft, you can't really draw him because it's like his teeth. It's where the color of shadows and fear is that yellow, what is that?
I totally feel like my mom looking at a video game right now. I have no idea what's going on, I just see menus flying by faster than I can read them. Fighting is like, ridiculously easy, like, here's me, I'm playing a video game right now.
That's just you, dude, don't self-short your gift mat.
I see there's an option called auto battle. Is that for like, oh my god, I got so used to watching the movies, now I don't know what to do when the game's playing. If the game could just play itself, it made it that much easier on me. There's also an auto enjoy button in the press, and it enjoys the experience of playing the game for you. I remember when I played Final Fantasy 7, I had a controller that had a turbo button, you could just hold down the button and I would just hold down the button and just attack, and then even that was too much for me, and I got a rubber band, I just put it around the controller. You'd pay a cake to play the game for you. It was the happiest memory of my childhood. Is this dividing fun to play at all?
You gain more power and strength every time you distinguish a foe, and that feels good to know that you're getting stronger. Yeah, leveling up.
I imagine it's like what guys, when they go to the gym and exercise, it's the closest equivalent to that. A lot like that, but also the exact opposite.
I gotta admit, I'm going to sound a little creepy, these women look pretty good. You know what's funny? I was at my parents' house this weekend, and they showed a preview for this, and it zoomed in on a girl, and my mom said, she's so beautiful. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_manuel_ortiz_show_family_dispute_saturday_night_live | You're watching Telesintro Tv, Dominicana, at Six, Flipper, followed by Miss Universe 2003. But first, the Manuel Ortiz show. And welcome to my show. I am Manuel Ortiz, and I'm here to help you with whatever it is you are going through. And if I cannot, I am very, very sorry. we have a big surprise for our first guest. Please welcome Casandra Jimenez. Hello, Casandra. hello, Manuel. do you know why you're here?
Yeah, I was told it was for a makeover because my hair needs more crunchy curl. No? your mother has a secret she wants to share. Do you want to hear it? I do not. but it will be good to see my mother.
Please welcome Senora Briana Espinal. Hola, Senora. Hola.
So what is your big secret? My daughter's husband is cheating on her. how are you doing? I see the sexting on his cell phone. aye. let's bring him out now. Please welcome Osmer Jimenez. Well, it's good to see you in person. you may change your mind about that. if I do, I will. your stepmother says you have been a sexting. No way. the text is not included in my bundle. he lies. he cheats with women. she is a fever. Osmer, do we use the sexy decoy and caught you cheating on a hitting camera?
No. let's roll it. Quieres Plantanos? same. Do you want to cheat with me? same. I would like to cheat with you.
Hey, look at the hitting camera. where? Oh. what did you think of yourself now? I look good. let's bring out our sexy decoy, Maria Montojes. Hola, Emmanuel. this was a fun yod for me. So what kind of things did Osmer say to you?
He said he wanted me to touch his tomatillos. I don't know if we can say this on broadcast television. let me check with our sensor. please welcome Benny. so touch his tomatillos. is this too racy for the Tv? See, maybe you say tickle his tiny coconuts instead. Ok. the sounds go very well, my friend. Gracias.
Now, Maria, what else did you find out about Osmer? Osmer is trying to make the child with another woman. you lie.
I don't lie. I am an actress. and he is a dog. I am not a dog. I am a maid. you are a dead weed.
See, I am not what he thinks I am. you are not from the San Todamigo area? No, I am a man up under this weed. No. Ok, this is the fire alarm. nobody panic. this is a drill.
Ok, we have to get out of here in an orderly fashion. Here you go. Ok, let's go. |
dropout | grant_gets_a_beehive_stuck_on_his_head | I can't believe a whole beehive, um, grew? Is that the word? It grew up for the weekend? Should we do anything? It's almost...cute? Yeah. Let's just see how this plays out. Oh! That's adorable, it's like a children's book.
I can't reach it. Lift your arms up higher!
Oh God.
Aw, a little guy can't get it up his head! Look at him struggle! He's dancing! Oh god, they're waking up! Oh god, oh god, oh god! Where's he going?
Keep dancing, Mr. B-Head! Get out of here! Fucking coon! Please! You freaking coon! Dance coon!
Oh god, they're sticking to me! Oh, they're everywhere! Ah!
Oh, Grant, let me help you. Grant, if you can hear me, it's... Zach, I'm here to help you.
There we go. Good. Yes! My eyes! Oh my god! Where's my mouth? So pathetic. Thank you!
That's your little jazz dance. That's your boy. Where are you going? Cute! |
Wizards_with_Guns | nic_cage_s_most_magical_film_the_sorcerer_s_apprentice_wizards_watch | Okay, uh, so... Hello! Hahahaha! There was nothing wrong with you! You're like the new kid in class and the teachers brought you to the front of the room. Hello!
This is not a sketch. Alert! There's a bit of a gap between when we release sketches, and today we want to try out something different. We're gonna do a commentary video, and uh, you know, if it works out we might do it more in the future.
This weekend we'll be watching The Sorcerer's Apprentice. And we couldn't find another wizard movie. Couldn't think of one right off the top of our heads. Wizard of Love.
Wow! That would have been so much better! That was so quick! Oh my!
The fate of mankind rested with the just and powerful Merlin. He taught his secrets to three trusted apprentices. Balthasar, Veronica, and Horvath. I love how it's Horvath, Merlin, Balthasar, Veronica. Such a normal name.
The Rising. Giving Morgana the power to raise an army of the dead and enslave mankind.
That was the bible. That was the bible? Try heard that. You're not supposed to be doing that Dave.
Now! The Twin Towers! Oh my god! That's not the Twin Towers!
Nah, no, too soon right? And I mean the year 2000? This is yeah, literally too soon.
You can put an infant in that doll. Oh, why would you say that? I want that doll.
Wrong, this movie's just good. Yeah man. This movie is so good.
You really shouldn't tell stories. Let's go. That is pretty funny. I would never be so mean. If somebody pissed their pants on a field trip, I wouldn't be like ah! You have to be a special kind of evil. Oh thank god we got rid of the child actor, am I right? You're correct.
This guy's much hotter. You said hotter as if he was still at least a little hot.
Uh oh. Becky? Becky Barnes. Ah.
Dave! We were in fourth grade together? I do know you. You're the little pissy little pissy baby. You're the one who thought he saw a wizard.
That doll is called the Grimhold. It is a prison for the most dangerous mordanians in history. You're the last person Horvath saw with the Grimhold. That puts you on his list. So unless you want him to turn you into a pig who just loves physics, He just loves physics.
Whoa, what is that? It's my Grimhold tracking device. I'm sorry, what? What? When is that a thing? You see, this makes no sense. It's my Grimhold tracking device.
It's my sword smelling sniffer. It sniffs out swords. He just sniffs really hard and his sword washes into his nose from miles across the city.
He dies and then he ends. Freak, I need to pull in there. Are you addressing me? Hey, don't mess with me. He murdered a guy. What did he even do? Was that a homicide? He just went, no way. He went, I'm walking here. And then he broke his neck.
When you go, what are you doing? You're parked in my parking spot. That's the equivalent. Where was I? Chinatown. How did they get to Japan?
Be still. Every hippie is vindicated for owning a beaded doorway. Anal beads. Clear my mind.
Dink that sound effect, bro. That was such a Disney sound effect. That was such a Disney sound effect that Horvath could have just iced that guy in the street and it would have gone, dink. We got swamped with calls saying it was a real dragon.
Between you and me, Cap, I think some of these folks were hitting the Sake pretty hard. Sake's Japanese, actually. I was in character. Of course I know Sake is Japanese. I am well trained. Are you serious? It's a pun.
You saw when you entered my apartment, you saw the Katanas. You knew. You saw back my kimono. You saw under my kimono.
Before we could put Horvath back inside the Grim Hold, we must first turn you into a sorcerer, which begins now. Step back. I really was doing stuff. Eyes open. Mouth closed. Eyes closed. Mouth open. This is the Merlin Circle. It focuses your energy.
Now, I've seen a long sleeve shirt under a short sleeve shirt. It looks like he chopped up a turtleneck just for the arms.
I am Balthasar Blake. His last name is Blake.
No, no, no, it's not a date. No, no, it's a date like an appointment. It's a date, no, a date like an appointment.
Love. Every moment, every waking moment of my life, I live in fear of turning around to see that. No, no. Uncle, you and I have plans for later on. Becky, let's just get out of here. You know what? It's all right because I just remembered I have to go into town to pick up your anti-itch cream. So, you two stay here. I just remembered I have to go into town to pick up some diapers for your little pissy pants. Little pissy pants, boy, isn't that right?
Remember that? She remembers.
I just walk by, I know what shock he is. Slams the door. He's held a grudge the whole time. I knew it's Japanese. Dude, that's the kind of look you give only when somebody impresses you with Tesla cars. All right, guys. It's getting pretty late and we want to be courteous of our neighbors. So, this is going to be an ASMR video. He does the same thing to the toilet. He's like, it's been a long time since I saw the Yugoslavian urinal trap.
I have a student who's failing my class. I need his file. First, I'll need to see your faculty identification card. You don't need to see my faculty identification card.
Yeah, my dranks don't work on me. Only trench coats. These are not the droids you're looking for.
Oh! So, this is a Disney movie and I heard this about the movie. It's based off of Fantasia where Mickey has the sorceress hat. Mickey. Hi.
Binky. It's Binky. Binky. Binky, look out. There's a bunch of mops. Binky, be careful. The mops are alive. Binky, look out. Binky. Binky, be careful. There's too many mops. Binky.
Bingle mop. Bunkies. Bunkies, look out. There's too many mops for you.
I can't do it. It's not me, Balthazar. I'm sorry. I'm not it. I'm not a hero. I'm not the primer of any of it.
I'm just a physics nerd. Why does this guy every like 30 seconds has to remind us of how much he's... I'm just such a nerd. Look at me. I'm a normal guy. I know what 2 plus 2 is. I'm a bit of a nerd. I'm kind of a nerd. I call it arithmetic instead of math. And sure, if that makes me a little quirky. A little different than the other girl. He gets smaller and smaller. And yeah, I piss and shit my pants. I'm kind of a nerd that way. I don't know how I got these scars.
You have to use your butt? He just starts reverse farting around the room. Stuck everything into the room and finally...
I'm in a grim hold on the grim hold. God, we're not funny. It is the grimmest of holds. To be clutched by an asshole.
Even if you didn't want to be the chosen one of all wizards, would you throw away a ring that gave you wizard powers? Yeah, man. Are you fucking stupid? No, you're right. If you're not gonna be king...
Throw away the ring.
It's in the rhyme. You're so clearly a bridge troll. I am a bit of a troll. I hide under bridges. I ask riddles. I'm kind of a nerd. I'm a bit of a nerd.
Classic Romanian rug trap. The Jamaican goo box? Yeah. Although it's an African gun bush. Although it's an acidic dreidel trap. It's the sweetest junk lamp. Oh no, it's a Chinese finger trap. Oh no. He's just fucking stuck.
Persian quick rug. Okay. That was better than anything we could have said. A Persian quick rug? Maybe we're literally a step ahead of us.
It's a Venezuelan grabby drape. Raps for him because, oh no, a German curtain. A German curtain rug. No, it's just a German curtain.
Really good craftsmanship. Without any magic, he has your rank. To defeat Morgana, we'll have to steal the Declaration of Independence. Dave, if you can just tell me the truth, then I promise I will do my best to understand. I can shoot plasma bolts, I can speed up a first time, I can't wear a condom. Mix a little 13 into this PG, why don't you do it? I brought a little science with me. Now!
Did you just kill her with lamps? The old Italian lamp trap.
Looks like they're all out of Ghana. No more Ghana.
Because their name is Morgana. I thought her name was Chris.
Veronica, would you please step back? If Morgana can stop his heart, maybe I can start it. Your dog just gets hit by a bus, he's like, if the bus can stop his heart, maybe I can restart it. If my butt accidentally squashed my gerbil, maybe I can un-squash him. All your stupid... and all those old man's shoes. Technically a defibrillator stops your heart from beating irregularly, so he's just stopping his heart more.
God, get a Reddit account. You are insulting me, Dave. Repeatedly. Me?
Pretty weird, huh? I don't know.
Okay, how much do you want to bet this movie ends on a pan out of New York City to one republic? God, that would be the most perfect ending. He kisses the blonde girl, and it pans out. It pans out. And it looks like the apprentice has become the sorcerer. Tell me what I want to hear.
Girlfriend. Definitely girlfriend.
You were fucking right. We called it. You gotta get the pan out. Becky, there's something I forgot to mention to you. I really have no idea how to land this thing. It wasn't a pan out, but it was a pan across. Listen, if you were to rate this film on a scale from one to republic...
Pan into Paris. They're both impaled on the Eiffel Tower. If the Eiffel Tower can stop her heart, then I can restart it.
Tell me what you want to hear. What a movie. This is later in time. Pay no attention to our full drink. Guys, thank you so much for watching. Leave a like if you enjoyed, and please let us know in the comments what movies you might want to see us watch next.
Also, guys, we have a goal of reaching 20,000 subs by the end of this year. So please share our content with any of your friends. We'd really appreciate it. $20,000!
That's... You have 24 hours. Don't forget to hit the notification bell, and if you're interested, the link to our Patreon is in the description below. Don't forget to click the bell. Click the bell. Get the shit out of that bell. I'm gonna come for you. Who are you talking to? Vanessa. She looked at the bell and she went, I don't know how to hit the bell.
Bye. Oh shit. Alright, Mitchell's here. Bye. This time say, We would be tickled pink if you'd give us your cash. Don't say this. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_59_Kate_Miller_Heidke | Now we're halfway through the longest election campaign in the history of this fine nation, so Errol and I thought we'd keep in that theme. Clancy, this week on the show we have some Queensland royalty, as you exclaimed about six times this morning. One of our state's greatest exports to the rest of the country and indeed the rest of the world. Yes, she's heading to the polls on May 18 and it's very safe to say the entire nation, especially the quilt bag community, is getting around her.
Sorry Clancy, what was it? The what bag? The quilt bag. What does that mean? Well, it's an acronym for a certain community within our greater Australian population which is the queer slash questioning undecided intersex lesbian trans brackets transgender transsexual asexual and gay slash genderqueer community, the quilt bag.
Of course, so I guess we must be talking about Eurovision as opposed to the federal election. Yes, yes. The quilt bag community is much better represented in Eurovision than they are in the federal election. Correct you are, Errol.
Next is Kate Miller-Heidke, Australia's representative, at the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest this year which will be held in the Israeli city of Tel Aviv. And that's also taking place on the 18th of May, isn't it, the same day as the federal election. Yes, one of Scott Morrison's last digs at the gays before the change in government. Anyway, Kate Miller-Heidke is taking a brand new song over to Israel with her this year and we'll be playing that at the back end of today's episode.
Anyway, we recorded this earlier today down at the Dolphins Leagues Club, so here it is. Well here we are in the beautiful Western Queensland Channel country. It's getting a bit cooler, thankfully. We're joined today by Queensland royalty.
One of the most prolific singer-songwriters to come out of the south east corner in many years, Kate Miller-Heidke.
Thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me.
Now, Kate, you've got a lot going on right now. You are about to enter a rather competitive arena, that is Eurovision. What have you been doing in preparation ahead of all of this? Yeah, look, before all this, I honestly thought that Eurovision would involve me just going over and singing a song. That was extremely naive and it's just taken over my entire life for like three months.
I mean, a lot of rehearsals, a lot of dress fittings, a lot of press, obviously. So yeah, there's a lot of pressure on this one three-minute song. Well, they sent you out here and that was a big flight, a lot of press.
Can you talk us through the process of how you get to represent Australia in Eurovision? Well, in the past it's been all negotiated behind closed doors, but this year was the first year that they've opened it up to a nationwide competition, which we had on the Gold Coast in February called Australia Decides. It was broadcast on TV and people could vote for their favours. It was like a sort of mini Australian version of Eurovision, really.
Is that your first kind of encounter with that competition? It is. You came through very traditional kind of a... You came into the music in a traditional kind of sense. You didn't come through any of those shows or anything like that.
You probably, a bit more naturally, organically became a household name as opposed to, you know, Mau Boy and Guy Sebastian have done, have been in the competitions before. It's actually been something I've deliberately avoided throughout my career, like especially when I was first starting out, a lot of people used to tell me I should go on Australian Idol. That dates me, but I actually had a song about that, which provoked a feud with Anthony Kalea, which has lasted to this day.
Still? Yeah, but... Anthony who? Off the Christmas card list anyway.
But yeah, and actually having gone through that competition now, I have more heightened respect for those people because it requires this sort of steely nerve and a level of focus and just, you know, that competitive edge, which doesn't come naturally to me as a musician. I've got a fragile ego. It's not easy putting yourself up there to be judged by people. And Eurovision fans are incredibly passionate, and if they hate your song, they will go out of their way to tell you so, like they won't just ignore it, which is what most people do when they hate music. They take it like as a personal affront. So you don't have that kind of thick skin that comes with the Hillsong Church and Australian Idol and that kind of...
I... Nah. It's my, you know, if I read any negative comment about myself online, I'll just go over it for like two weeks in my head. Oh, right. Yeah. It's not good. I mean, it's...
Well, you're an artist and that's, you know, a sports person, you're an artist and you come from a very quiet part of the world. Well, are you actually from Indooroopilly or you just went to school out that way? I grew up in Indooroopilly.
Yeah. Are you guys from Brisbane too? Yeah.
We are Queenslanders and that is obviously a beautiful part of the world. It's close to our heart, the Indooroopilly Bridge.
We remember when the fat guy had to get craned out of that. Oh, my God. I hadn't thought about that for years.
Yeah. Well, that's my stomping around, like Indooroopilly shopping town. Right. Westfield. Because it's a great shopping center, Indooroopilly, because it has a pub in it.
Pig and Whistle. The Pig and Whistle.
Oh, yeah. Which never really made me... Like, at what point do you peel off a few skilies while you're at Westfield? I don't know. I've been for dates there. Yeah.
I think it was way ahead of its time, I think. Yeah, pioneering Pig and Whistle. But when I was at school, there was underneath, you could get underneath the car park, into this weird, very sort of unhygienic, unsafe... We used to call it hell.
Oh. And they were all, like, bongs and stuff down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The teenage paraphernalia. Yeah. If you didn't have a bong cave as a teenager. Are you even from Brisbane? Yeah, that's it.
I mean, there was no beach for a lot of those kids. No. Big brown river and a little hideaway to Paul Cohens.
Until Joe gave us South Bank. South Bank, yeah. There was no beach in Queensland until South Bank. No, he gave everyone in Brisbane a chance to experience the beach and a couple of horrible diseases too, I heard, that were coming out of there. I think there was... Well, it's very similar to Western Sydney. Yeah, there was one kid who got a rheumatic fever from South Bank, yeah. Oh my God. But back then, vagrants used to actually bathe in South Bank.
It's come a long way since that particular... Anyway, moving on, how does a humble Queensland girl... When you became a household name and a musician that was chartered in early to late 2000s to now, what is very much a Southern centric industry? How did you go down there?
Because there's a lot of competitive animals. We met Dan Salton, by the way, and he's a very competitive person. And he's also very favoured because he's a Southerner.
How did it feel when you kind of launched into that world? In the outer burbs of Brisbane, a music career seems like a crazy pipe dream and a ridiculous thing to even consider. My parents sort of indulgently said, oh, just give it a try for a couple of years and then go to uni and do something real. And you do feel detached from, I guess, the main bulk of the industry labels and agents and stuff.
Having said that, though, there's kind of a cool incubator for music in Brisbane. There is a pretty good music scene, some really good venues and really supportive... I found it a really supportive nurturing kind of scene. Bulger Street, obviously one of the most iconic streets in Australian music, runs down the heart of Brisbane. And of course, there's out at Redcliffe too, you know, home of the Bee Gees, I suppose.
There's a lot of people in this world who say they're from the Isle of Man, that they're Manx, but, you know, I think most of those people are from the South that like to... Discredit Queensland music. And who could forget the 18 months that the Gibbs brothers spent living in Redcliffe? Yep, they almost ended up with the dolphins, I heard. Yeah, you wouldn't forget it because they put a bronze statue of them as toddlers. So Redcliffe, you know, a lot of talent coming out of Queensland, South East Corner.
When you first kind of entered the music industry, like when you started hearing your songs on ads and on TV and on the radio, because now it's obviously going to be all across the news with Eurovision. How do you deal with that kind of popularity, that ambush of fame? Oh, look, the thing is about this song, Zero Gravity, is that it was written for the Eurovision stage. It's kind of a theatrical, really, really dynamic song. It's not the kind of song that I don't think is ever going to get played on radio or like TV ads or anything like that. Like it was written with one specific destination in mind. So I don't know, like obviously, yeah, there's this extra kind of burst of attention and stuff that comes with Eurovision. And I guess I'm old enough now to just kind of try to enjoy it and while it lasts because it doesn't last.
So is that how it works for every country? I mean, you know, is like, say, for example, the team from Norway, would they have a team of, you know, musicians and the songwriting team, they'd all be from Norway. Is it like the Olympics or like the Commonwealth Games of songwriting? Actually, often they get songwriters from other countries and sometimes they get other nationalities to represent like countries as well.
I think the guy from representing San Marino, which is a country of like 30,000 people, comes from Malta or something because they ran out of people in there. They ran out of people who can sing at an acceptable level. Yeah, like the equivalent of a couple of big high schools worth of people in the whole country. And Gina G once represented the UK.
Yeah. Oh, and of course, the traitor Olivia Newton-John in 1974 representing the UK well before we were allowed in. It is actually, yeah, conspiracies. Conspiracies, I mean, there's a lot going on there. There's hired hands from other countries. We're proud to say that you are an all Australian team, though, aren't we, Kate? Heading over there? Absolutely, yeah.
There's no bloody Norwegians behind the scenes like pulling the strings. No Moldovan violinists.
Or working to sabotage me. I'm sure there are all sorts of machinations going on, though. Well, only time will tell, I guess.
No, but how did it first come, when you first kind of experienced that wave of albums and your number one songs or your charted songs, did that come as a rush? Like, you know, now you're a pop star. How did that feel? Yeah, it was a rush. It felt really good. Yeah, I guess like it was something that I'd been kind of working towards for a long time, and it didn't come overnight or really quickly to me. Like it wasn't until my second album that I really had, you know, like a hit. And yeah, it felt really good. Now, you've all across the board in the music industry, you've done plays as well, stage plays.
Muriel's Wedding, how did that come about? Well, I'd written an opera called The Rabbits for Opera Australia based on a beautiful book by Sean Tan and John Marsden. And Muriel's Wedding was sort of had been in the works for a few years. By then they had PJ Hogan, the original writer director, attached to write the script and great director Simon Phillips. And they had all these sort of numerous like composers and songwriters attached who gradually left the project or got fired one by one. And producers saw The Rabbits and asked me and my husband, Kia, to be involved in Muriel and it was like the dream project for us. And then by that point, it was sort of too late to fire us because they already had a season booked. So it was like a combination of luck and timing.
So where does one learn how to write an opera? I mean, like, do you go to uni and is there like a couple of courses that you can do this, you know, like how to turn this into an opera?
Yeah, you're supposed to do that. Or well, you can do that. You can do it, right?
Although my husband applied for composition at a university, I won't say which one. And he basically didn't get let in because it wasn't his work wasn't atonal and inaccessible enough. Inaccessible enough.
Sounds a lot like the arts. Yes. In many, many different factions across the arts in Australia. It is a lot like that. It wasn't inaccessible enough. Well, particularly in the sort of high elite arts, like I think for one reason or another, they really value like they're big on the 12 tone scale and theoretical music.
They don't really care about the audience's experience of it. And so I actually I never studied composition.
I just sort of plunged into the rabbits and it was a really steep learning curve. And I had a lot of help from Ian Grandage, who was my musical director and arranger. So you guys kind of came from a bit left field to take over that project and saved it. So basically what I've just a comparison I've come up with is you and your husband for Muriel's Wedding, the stage play, what Bradley Cooper was for A Star Is Born. You saved it from development hell and and then brought it to the people. Look, yeah, that's not kind of what I was going for when I told that story.
I am. Yeah. I'm sure a lot of other people would have done a great job. But there's something about the Australianness of Muriel's Wedding and particularly the world of Papa Spit. You know, we all we're all from Queensland here and we and Keir is especially from Queensland. I mean, he's from Toowoomba. So, yeah, Garden City, it's a very familiar world. And the characters, you know, they just resonate with my DNA. Yeah, definitely.
You also have done a lot of big festivals around the world. What was your favorite that you think you've done? I mean, and you can say an Australian one, but Coachella sounds pretty cool. Yeah, I've played at Coachella and it is cool.
I mean, it looks if you just judge it from people's Instagram posts, it looks terrible. Like I just wouldn't. Yeah, I can't.
But you go there and like miraculously, not everyone is hot. And it's sort of just music lovers. Sort of feels a bit like Blues Fest in a way. Yeah, but I do.
My favorite festival in the world is Woodford Folk Festival. And every New Year's Eve at eleven thirty p.m., they have three minutes of silence and the entire festival, like 30,000 people fall silent and light candles. And it's a beautiful moment. And Woodford's one of those festivals where there's festival babies, like where people are conceived at Woodford. I mean, I haven't heard of that since Woodstock, really.
But there are a lot of families that kind of grow up going there and some, you know, some kids are conceived there. Yeah, like Hawkie. He was conceived there.
I actually had New Year's Eve with him a couple of years ago at Woodford. And it was amazing. And he led the whole table in a big singalong of Solidarity Forever. And it was a really special moment. A bit of Union Ballads making their way into Woodford.
We know that he goes there every year. And of course, Kev Carmody has been a recurring kind of... Have you performed there many times? Yeah, lots of times.
It's up there with the Gympie Musta, I have to say. Yeah, I've played at the Gympie Musta too.
That was awesome. Yeah. Except it was. Yeah, no, really awesome.
Problem with Gympie Musta is the occasional leech. But, you know, it's a it's a good it's a good part of the world. Byron Bay Blues Fest just finished. Have you had much to do with that part of the world? Blues Fest is the real Byron Festival.
I think you can judge what a festival is in Byron by the amount of pot, you know, that's in the air. And I think, you know, at festivals like Splendour, I think, you know, it's got a bit commercialized. Not enough pot. It's got it's got a bit powder finger. I think that if you take it back a bit, the more pot there is at a festival, the nicer it is. Yeah, it is a peaceful music loving sort of drug.
Yeah, definitely. I'd have made it greened out during Bob Dylan. Yeah, that sounds like hell. I actually I do even Bob now, you know, like. Could you imagine that? Yeah, it's a fate worse than death. Yeah, in my opinion.
So how has that been over the years? Like kind of now your family is in the industry, I guess you could say. So you've gone and gone from touring and now it's a family affair.
Do you think your little boy will end up kind of you'll be a bit like the Von Trapps, maybe? Oh, God. Well, that's my dream for him, obviously. I'd like it if he could just be like a roadie for us.
But he he's not showing any signs of musical talent yet. My mother said he's very out of tune compared to what I was at his age. So it's a bit of a disappointment in that regard. But he he does love the limelight. He he hates my singing. He doesn't want a bar of it.
Would he clock it? Would he recognize it if he if it was playing? Well, you know, that's my music. Yeah. And he's asked for it to be turned off. He does sing zero gravity, but he sings penis gravity. Oh, maybe he could come work for us.
Now, tell us a little bit about Eurovision heading into that now. What's where from here? You've got a couple of weeks. I've only got a week until I have to go and I've got some pretty intensive rehearsals in that time.
It's I can't give away any spoilers about the staging, but it's being quite substantially reworked from what it was at the Gold Coast. And there's an intense sort of technical element as a new skill that I've had to learn physical skill. So, yeah. Exciting. Yeah, really. Actually, I can't wait to show people what it is. If it works, it's going to be amazing.
OK, well, can we vote? Can Australians vote? You can vote, but not for me. You can only vote for the other countries, which makes sense because, you know, Russia could vote.
I just win every year.
Well, they're going to rig it anyway. But yes, well, maybe we'll we'll start a campaign now similar to the Trump election to get Russian interference on the votes for you.
That's a great idea. But we are wishing you the best. Thank you so much. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for coming all the way out to Batutah. My pleasure. It's a beautiful town. We'll see you again next time.
And that was Kate Miller-Heidke, our only shot at winning the Eurovision Song contest this year. Please tell your non-Australian European friends to vote for her or organize a VPN, I believe you could do.
Yes, yes, a virtual private network, I think the kids call it. Anyway, Clancy, it's a tall mountain to climb. But if there's anyone who can slay the Russian bear in its own backyard, it's our Kate from Indooroopilly. Indeed, Errol.
Now, remember, for the rest of you punters out there, if you find yourself in the market for a new T-shirt, Stubby Coolers, Steedon, football or just any other Mother's Day present, head to the old city district's favorite family store. Batutah Outfitters have been clothing the Batutanese people for generations, and their latest catalog is available online through their website, which is at www.batutahoutfitters.com. And as a reward for listening this far into the podcast edition of the show, the Batutah Advocate is offering the general public free use of their staff discount code. That's right. At the checkout, enter the code word advocate25 to get 25% off your order. Make sure to get in now before Mother's Day.
Our floodwaters are going down as we speak, and the mail truck is back on. And to play us out, here's Zero Gravity.
The song Kate Miller-Heidke is going to be singing at Eurovision on May 18th.
Until next week, I'm Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other. And I'm Errol Parker. Stay out of the pokies and teach your kids to fear the police. You're so heavy, I have got to let you go.
I'm going with zero gravity. Zero gravity.
I'm free. Hey you, lock with no key. Hey you, earth with no sea.
I feel freezing on the ground. You're so heavy, I can't let you keep me down anymore.
Zero gravity. |
SaturdayNightLive | costco_meeting_ft_lizzo_snl | Well, Julissa, I'm excited to hear your ideas on how to increase Costco's sales with young people. thank you, sir. Costco has every age group on lock, except for children between the ages of 9 and 12. when they come to our stores, they're just sitting in shopping carts. it's insane. they should be walking and purchasing.
Well, children love songs, but they also love music. please welcome a group that does both! Glitter Revolution. Thank you for having us. thank you for sponsoring the show. Glitter Revolution, we need your help. are you ready to be covered in your own bop sauce? 9-1-1, there is a pop song emergency, so send a music ambulance that goes. help is on the way! From us, Glitter Revolution.
And what we want to know is, what the hell is up, Costco? We're so excited you're here, and I hope I'm using this right. I stan you. Thank you, Warehouse Savings Legend. Now, let's hook these children. let's go. Attention, Costco Shoppers.
Fafana Furu Fi, the samples are free. one bite for mommy and one for me. step on up, I'm serving up. chicken nugget in a little cup. cute the cheese till I'm sticking a bagel bite on a tooth of pig. Fafana Furu Fi, the samples are free. hold on out to the sky. I can tell young children will be singing this in the playground. and sales for free samples are gonna skyrocket. that's right, there's nothing babies love more than smoothies served in a ketchup cup.
Now, this next track tells the story of buying bulk salami. and then visiting a licensed eye physician at Costco. Let's go. Attention, Costco Shoppers. you're going to the Doctor. Walking around this Costco store, every item is so awesome, but I cannot see anything because my eyes are very problem. So I go into the eye doctor at Costco. whoa. Say, he says he'll fix my eyes. he says I need. water glasses, polar eyes. nom, nom, nom, nom. Thank you, Doctor. I'm nine years old. you're welcome, Costco Children. your eyes are healed and your life is perfect now.
I like the little play at the end, and I'm an adult. That's Glitter Revolution. they just get it. Yes, children will be gooped and gagged regarding the ability to purchase items that they love in bulk. such as Oral-b electric toothbrush head. Additionally, Kirkland brand pants and shoes. And of course, number one children's favorite, Big King Crap on Ice. But Glitter Revolution, how are you going to address our competitors? Not a problem, goddess. We have an iconic song regarding this topic.
This is Boar Store. Attention, Costco rivals. Prepare to be verbally executed. Target, you're Boar Store. Best Buy, you're a Boar Store. Build a Bear?
How about I kill your ass? Walgreens, back, Ikea? Yeah, right. And foot Locker, you wish we were thinking about you. about you, about you. Costco Not thinking about you. Kirkland gonna flame your hole through the sky? Solution,: I'd like to give you another $10 million contract. thank you. we like that. All right.
And by the way, are you guys related? Yes, I'm the mom. she's the dad. and she and I are married.
Fafaraburu fee, the samples are free. Holes Out Through the Sky. |
dropout | hugh_jackman_s_teacher_interview | So, you are interested in teaching at Harlan Village Academies, Mr...
Hugh. Hugh Jackman.
Yeah, I know who you are. I'm just not sure why you're here.
Well, a friend of mine, Steven Spielberg, told me to look on the Harlan Village Academy website and I was blown away by it. Particularly the bit that said superstars are teachers.
It's the other way around, actually. Right, and I just knew right then I had to audition. Interview. Here is my headshots. Oh. Headshots, I should say. Turnover, you're going to see four different... Oh, wow. Yeah. There's quite a range there, obviously. You can do a Russian dialect. Absolutely. Neat.
Feels.
Why don't we get started with the monologue? The monologue.
You're going to need those. This is pretty powerful. Look. Donkey. It's never going to work. Do you understand me?
I'm a big, green, giant ogre and she's a princess. This is from Shrek?
I can do something musical, if you like. I've got a song for you. There's a song?
Mr. Jackman? Yeah, please call me Hugh. Here's the thing.
Harlan Village Academy. We are trying to develop the very best teachers. So I'm wondering if you have any background in education.
Of course. I worked at a school for three years. You did? Yeah. Oh, great. Okay. Please tell me about that.
Well, I worked at a school upstate with very, very gifted students. You might call them mutants. Oh, no. In fact, the headmaster there, Professor Xavier. This is the school from the X-Men movies.
Yes. Listen, before I get the job, can I just ask you a question? Is the school zip line accessible? Okay, here's the thing. Yeah.
We've already filled the position. You've already cast the path? Did Neil Patrick Harris get this job with that little blonde toy?
Please. You did not give it to him. No. Because trust me, there is no way he could hold down a class at 25. Literally, because I understand at times you need to literally hold them down, right? No. And he doesn't have the muscle.
You want to see muscle? Can Neil Patrick Harris do this? I do. Look at this.
One hundred and one. One hundred and two. One hundred. I'm starting at a hundred because I already did a bunch this morning. Three. One hundred and four.
Okay. You can put your foot on my back if you like. I can still do them. This interview is over.
Five thousand and ninety-six. Five thousand.
Let's give it a hit. That's all right. I'll still be doing it when you come back. Hi.
I'm Debra Kenny, founder of Harlem Village Academies. If you want to join our team of superstars, or to learn more about how every child can have a superstar teacher, visit us at HarlemVillageAcademies.org.
Hugh, you can stop now. |
dropout | what_is_the_best_invention_that_has_yet_to_be_invented | Today's question is, what is the best invention that has yet to be invented?
Today, I'm joined by Raffi Alcheste. Yes, ma'am. Allie Beardsley. Hello, mommy.
And John Gabris. I don't want to go to bed. John, would you like to be in?
The greatest invention that has yet to be invented is the heated glove box. Nice. So the heated glove box is mainly used to get takeout food from a restaurant to your house without losing the integrity of the heat of the food.
I love this. I love it. The name is a little misleading, but I like it.
You thought it was to keep your gloves warm. As the name would be. So a glove heater box is what you think I'm talking about. Or a box in which you keep exclusively gloves that are heated.
If I was not going down that road too, I was like, I've never really been that cold. Do they have a different name now? They're like...
It's a glove box. No. It is a glove box.
Honestly, that's on them. Yeah. This is a fantastic idea. And I always have this problem. Because nothing tastes as good when you drive at home. Yeah. I would say...
You almost put me in the face. In-N-Out food is so bomb, but it loses integrity so quickly. And I now use a seat heater with my hoodie over it to try to do it, but it's still a little too makeshift. And I am so sick of eating my food alone in my car right outside the drive-in. I've started to do that all the time. And you feel crazy. You've got to eat your fries on the ride home, because fries don't work a period after five minutes.
But with this, maybe. But with a heated glove box, it just might. I'm actually surprised that you're able to do that, because the parking lots are always jam packed. Not in the middle of the night.
Okay. Yes. So you eat it out in the middle of the night by yourself in a bar? I'm playing a podcast. I'm not crazy. Okay. I have a question. Please. Have you all heard of toaster ovens? Probably. Yes. Okay.
No, I haven't. That's just me. I've been living in a room-type situation with a kidnapper for the last year. Is that kind of where you're headed, where your mind is?
It's more of like a toaster oven-type situation, or is it like a microwave? I think it's microwave-esque in that you can close the glove box and push, like, pizza, or burger and fries.
Yes. And if there's a single cup holder in there, close it up there and just say, like, keep this coffee warm, because I'm going to want it when I hit 101 traffic. And imagine if it doubled. Maybe like in the summer, it could be a little fridge. Oh, yeah. Nice little chilled shelf for your sushi. Cup holders should have cold and hot settings. Oh, yeah. Oh, what a country. That's what it should be. You should be able to go, like, oh, like your seat heater.
I feel like you're an inventor. You're a natural inventor. I really love your ideas. Thank you. Allie Bird Lane, please impress us.
A better puke toilet. It's crazy to me. I just got food poisoning last week.
Oh, yeah. We remember. Guys, round of applause. Thank you. I mean, you made it.
I ate discount oysters. Why would you do that? In your car alone. There's just like 12 shells outside the driver's side window, like cigarette butts on a stakeout. I'm listening to a podcast.
So I got food poisoning. It was a nightmare.
And while pretty much living on the floor of my bathroom, I thought, how have we not invented something better than puking in a toilet? You shit there. I'm sitting there with my, like, cheek resting on the toilet seats. They should make a toilet that comes with, like, a necklace that you can just kind of put around your neck and, like, leave here. I do like the idea of having it be something portable. I puke a lot on the street. Introducing small toilet.
It comes in its own little backpack. You carry it around. Wow. No stranger or a roommate's friend has ever shit in this toilet when you weren't home and you know they use your personal bathroom. Yes. Is it a toilet with backpack straps on it or is the toilet in the backpack in this? I would say the toilet is in the backpack because that's a little embarrassing to have a toilet backpack. But maybe if you lean into it. Yeah, it's a little embarrassing to have a toilet backpack but, you know, five tears less embarrassing to have a bag that has just the toilet in it. Okay.
Ma'am, can you have to just go through security? Can I look in your bag?
Oh, a tiny toilet. It's my... Take her in. Search this lunatic. And then what do you do once you puke in your little sawdust toilet? Then it's easily cleanable. There's a little tray, much like a hamster. Dump it. Maybe it's your kid's chore.
And hamsters are traditionally, like, they're well known as one of the least disgusting things. Yeah, when I know that I'm smelling a hamster, I think, thank God. Now I know it's clean. It smells like hamster in here.
And then bring me some surgical tools. Does it have different settings? Like, can you use it for...
Or is it just for puking? Like throwing away at a goldfish or like... Yeah, I think loogies. Throat-related discharge. Yes. Throat... It would be cold. What goes after puke and spit and throat-related discharge? I'm very curious what else you have.
Hairballs. Black widow spiders.
Oh! Raphael, go ahead.
The better elevator. So we've had elevators... I can't remember a time without an elevator.
And there's always... They've always been the same.
So my proposal is to make them not the same. Put better. Okay, I thought you were going to go with worse there.
It's right here. We know all this. What's your idea?
The way an elevator works is that it goes up or... Please, elevators go up and down.
Or it can go down. Okay, right. I usually just take them up, so I forgot that. They can also go back down. I just roll down off the side of the building. I usually just leap out the window.
Now, this is pretty good. But I propose... What's pretty good? Okay.
I propose that they also go side to side. Not only side to side. Back and forth. That side to side.
Depending on where you are. So you're saying your elevator goes in six directions. My elevator goes in, I don't know, 12. I can't really do math.
But it also does... It goes diagonal. Diagonal and slanted. Those are two of the same things as well. Can I just say, this is not what you pitched.
Sometimes when you get in, you have a pet. So you get a compartment in the elevator for just the pet people. There's a pet-only section of the elevator. Yes, there's a pet-only section. How big is this elevator? How long do you want an elevator for that you need a compartment for a pet?
I do remember you having one good idea. Oh yeah, right, right. This is what I say.
You know how you get into an elevator and sometimes you hit the door close button, but it doesn't do anything?
They're fake. Yeah, because they're fake.
Did you know that? The door close button on an elevator is fake. I hate that. This happened to me before, twice last week, where I hit the elevator close thing, it didn't close, and it took so long, I thought it was broke, walked out, and then it closed behind me. So this would solve that. Do you want to add one more word to that?
The better elevator rider? And then you learn how to do elevators more.
It's broken. Yeah, that's too much. That's too hard.
I remember you saying a bathroom. Wait, so you said nine things so far, and you're still waiting for the one that you got excited about earlier? I am, I truly am. The bathroom. Bathroom? Okay, well, I've had an idea. I've had an idea where we have a bathroom and an elevator, and I think that is a good idea, because sometimes elevators get stuck. Sometimes elevators get stuck, so you should have a bathroom.
Thank you, excellent. Everyone, listen up.
Here's my idea for an invention that has not been invented yet. Permanent sunscreen. Oh, I love this. Okay, guys, here's my problem. I have a hard time in the sun. I'm practically allergic to it. So sunscreen, for me, is a necessity.
And you have to remember, every two to four hours, you're supposed to layer... Really? Yeah, two to four hours. I didn't know that. Well, you've been doing it wrong.
So permanent sunscreen. Sunscreen that you put on once stays on you forever.
Is it like a tattoo? Is it like a shirt? Maybe. I did not think about that. I think it might be a tattoo. It could be like a... You could tattoo it. A sunscreen pill is something I've heard. Is that a real thing? I don't know. No, I'm saying I feel like what you want.
Or maybe it's a vaccination of the sun. This would be such a thing. It would suck if it had to be white, chunky stuff that's just on you in perpetuity. At least I don't have to reapply, and everyone's like, yeah, well, Katie, it's nighttime for the 12 hours. I went to Sri Lanka for a few weeks, and they have billboards for... Sunscreen is huge there. Our obsession with getting tan, their obsession is with never getting tan. So it's like skin whitening stuff like that. Wow, I should go there. I bet permanent sunscreen would be big.
Yeah, that's a whole other issue. Yeah, I do. It is like colonial white majority thinking that is... Yeah, they're like bleeding. With your permanent sunscreen, you just want to remain white permanently because you're enjoying the... Hold up. This isn't a race thing, okay? This is every person has a tissue. It is truly a lack of melanin, though. No, everyone needs to... Hold on a second. You literally could just be a minority.
Time out.
Everyone needs sunscreen. Everyone can get skin cancer.
That's true. So don't think for one second...
Then I'm a racist.
Did you call it time out to tell us that everyone needs sunscreen? I did. You're ruining the sleepover. Time out. Time back in. You can talk now.
Everyone needs sunscreen. It's true. So this would be great for everybody.
I don't. You absolutely do. That's a lie.
My second invention that has yet to be invented is the Shitter Shredder. I already named it. It's a garbage disposal that's about 9 to 12 inches down your toilet pipe.
So it never clogs again.
You could fucking throw baby wipes, paper towels. You flip a switch as it goes down and then it just pumps that out. I really like this idea because we're messing up our sewer system by throwing too many things down there. Baby wipes are really fucking rough. Right, exactly. So this would be environmentally friendly. It is pretty crazy that that hasn't been invented yet.
What it took was a guy who's clogged one too many toilets and one too many specific situations. It took an inventor like me to say, you know what? I ruined Christmas Eve at grandma's house. I can't believe I had to stand here while the hotel maintenance guy fucking plunges my toilet and I stand there with my head down. The worst thing in the world is just like you're on vacation in Cancun and you just have your head down and you're like, yeah, that toilet's clogged. The guy's like, it's the most fucking blue collar burly dude in the world and he's like, whoa! You're like, I'm sorry. I've had nothing but fucking services since I've gone there. This is a cure to my anxiety about clogging toilets as much as it is. Where does the clog start? Right around the first bend.
So it would have to be there. It would have to be there. It would have to be a little, you also wouldn't want it too close to the, you wouldn't like boat propeller that shit.
I've been really scared of videos lately where there's a snake that comes up through a toilet. This would be amazing. Because I just run the shit or shredder. Shred that snake? Anything that's in there waiting to kiss my butt. You would shred.
Yeah, I think that's what the snake said. Here she comes. Let me put my chapstick on. I think that would be creepier than getting bit by a snake would be getting gently kissed by a snake and then it goes away. I've been kissed by a snake on my bum.
Yes, my second invention is the sexual orientation bracelets. It is a bracelet everyone has and it changes color based on your sexual orientation that you're feeling. So I can look across the room and be like, she's cute and there's a little bit of pink in there. She might go for it. Is a bolo tie not enough of a sexual orientation bracelet? One time at a New Year's party, a woman came up to me, grabbed this and went, did someone pull you out of the closet by this?
No one will ever top that for me. No one will ever. I will never be more attracted in any moment of my life.
That's awesome. Yeah, this is my attempt at this. Some senator is giving a speech and then an infant gets up to get coffee and you just watch a little flash of blue and you're like, gotcha bitch. Blue means they would fuck Democrats? It's like a party. I could see this being problematic.
Because it's labeling. A lot of people don't want to be labeled. But they don't want to be labeled because it's not safe for them to be labeled yet and if everyone was labeled, it would be safe.
It's a fluid thing. Sexuality is fluid.
You've had four beers, everyone's just purple. Some fucking crazy redneck who's like, uh oh.
I guess I do really like Tom Hardy. I'm free. I think everyone just has it. People who wouldn't buy it are the people I want the answers for more. Everyone wakes up, we all have the bracelet, you can't get it off, go.
I will suggest possibly being able to take it off when you get married. Because then that also eliminates, it eliminates upsetting your spouse inadvertently. I think that's crazy. I think your spouse should be there for you. If you get a little gay in your twilight years, chase it. I don't want my spouse knowing I'm attracted to other people. Yeah, I agree with you that they should be for it. Oh, it doesn't glow when you're feeling attracted. It's just there to say your sexual identity. It's moving. It turns blue when I watch Sons of Anarchy. Okay, yeah, then I guess then your spouse would be like, Oh, so you want to get tag teamed by Opie and Jaxx.
Oh, I forget what's... Which one's brown? Oh, that's just a hand job in a car. Doesn't matter the gender. I just need to get off. Oh, baby. This is smelling mirrors. What? Okay. Your ideas are crazy.
All right, so we got mirrors. I don't remember a time without mirrors. Mirrors have been around arguably longer than elevators. That's what I'm saying. Basically, water's a mirror. Oh, shit. Spoons a mirror. Spoons are mirrors.
Okay, okay, okay. You know how when you look into a mirror, you can see what you look like? Yes. That we all know. Okay. Yes, we know this. Now we're all on board.
Imagine someone pausing this video right now. What is he talking about?
Mirror. Look at yourself. So this is a smelling mirror where you can smell... It's a device that helps you smell yourself like other people can smell you.
You know what I mean? That's right.
Let's say, oh, yeah, you're on board. Well, you understand why when we hear the word smelling mirror, we might not think that's what you're talking about. No, I don't get that. You're like, now you're on board? It's like, well, now we almost get it. That's why we're getting excited. So it's the thing of like... It's the dawn of time. You're like, this is as far as I got. Do you know how we have mirrors? It's all I've researched. Let's take a deep breath. It really is though.
I like this because there are a lot of times where I wake up and I'm like, I don't need a shower. I do that constantly. A lot of times? I do that a lot.
Check the smelling mirror. Yes, and that would save me a lot of like, oh my God, what choice have I made? Sometimes you smell later in the day. It's a portable mirror. You have a full body smelling mirror. You have a hand-held one. Smelling mirror.
So you can breathe on it. You can put your armpit in the area. You can breathe on it. Armpit, your feet.
If you're a person that wears cologne or perfume, you can tell if it's too much or if it's not to the point where you want it to be. How did you take care of it if it was too much? Wipe it off.
Black pepper. Wait, what? You add black pepper.
Are you being serious? Is that real on cologne? I have no. No, they can't do that.
It works with salt. If you put too much salt, they add a little black pepper, sweetheart.
Hey, look. That's true. I would like to go again. Direct to brain. Answers. Okay, guys.
We spend a lot of time thinking and reading and trying to learn. What a waste of time. How much time do you spend thinking, reading, and trying to learn?
A lot. I think that's good.
I have a problem where if I read one article and there's something I don't get, then I have to read. I have to learn everything about it. I'm obsessive, compulsive. The wormhole on... Yes, but it happens so much to me that I'm like, I got to stop learning. I got to stop reading.
So here's my thought. There is something that is implanted in all of our brains. You ask a question. The answer is immediately in your brain. So you already know it. So there's no more need for learning. We already learn immediately. I love it.
No more schools.
You just pay for this. Exactly. We don't need universities. Everybody can be a doctor. You can do surgery on yourself. It's almost like a full Wikipedia page.
You can say, how many people died on the Titanic? 1,500. Was it? I think so. Something around there at least. 1,498 as... Is that true? Because two people could have stayed on that fucking door. Am I right?
He would have fit.
Also, take turns. Go off it. Let him go on. Take turns. Do we not know how to share?
Told him to never let go. Then he let go.
Then am I right? They refuse to listen to us. Excellent. Let us recap.
Did you like that? Yeah. It's cool. Pick one of any of these that you think belongs in the top three. Permanent sunscreen. Perfect. Yes. And not just because it's one of the two that I can wrap my brain around. But it's also a very good idea. So what do you want me to do with it? You should just hold it. It's fine. I'll take it. I'm going to go with heated glove box. I thought, I think that's a great idea. Oh, you should talk about it. Oh, right. I'm going to go with heated glove box because everyone on the outside of my car doesn't know I'm listening to a podcast when I'm in there alone eating. Yes.
So maybe I could save that for when I get home. Maybe. Hey, we could hang out. You say that, but there I am again at 1 a.m. because I close at 1.
I can't eat there. I don't eat mammals. You don't eat mammals? I don't eat mammals.
And I eat chicken just once a week to keep me alive. I have a diet where sometimes I don't get enough protein.
Oh, great. This is so personal. We don't have to do any of this. Ralph, please tell us which one you believe belongs in the top three. I got to say, I really do like the downloading brain thing. At this time, everyone, I would like you to toss a sign to the ideas that have not been chosen. You're all homophobic, so I'll just let that go. Now it is time to rank.
Briefcase boy. Hey. That's a briefcase, man. Thank you. I don't know if you were paying attention, but... No, I was polishing the briefcase.
Oh, okay. Well, I was just going to say if you need help with this. What is that? For your sunscreen needs. That would be a good time for a bracelet. Wow.
Please get out of here. In last place, permanent sunscreen. Because it's white supremacy. No, it's not. Everyone should use sunscreen. Permanent sunscreen, AKA holding on to your privilege. That's not true. Tending to your privilege guard. Everyone has to wear sunscreen. I'm not going to say it again. I don't want to wear sunscreen, Katie.
I want you to, though, in second place. Direct to brain answers. In first place, we have heated glove box. Yes. We've done it again. Tune in next week as we answer another of life's most important questions. Briefcase boy.
Well, that's it for the first full episode of The Rank Room. Another full episode right now. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
And that one's somehow even better than this one. And let's face it, this one was perfect.
Tonight, I would like to propose as the worst marriage proposal. A special interest cruise. |
SaturdayNightLive | to_my_love_saturday_night_live | When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. his heart races, his head spins, and suddenly all the dozens and dozens of women he's sleeping with no longer matter. a few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I've put some of my feelings into this little ode. every man needs a woman, and I need you. to lift me when I am sad, to comfort me when I am down, to clean me when I am drunk, to walk beside me when I want to look like I am not gay, to walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak, to kiss me when I am horny, to massage me when I am tense and or horny, to make me horny when I am not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.
I need you, darling, to clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction, to pick the knits out of my hair when I have head lice, to try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date, to be there when I need you to be there, and to be out of town the rest of the time. my darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you, because I don't want to lose half my stuff.
And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this to remind you.
Sorry. good night, my love. |
dropout | hardly_working_horsey_ride | That is how fudge is made.
I never would have thought to look around the corner. Thank you so much for the tip. No problem.
Surprise horsey ride! Whoa!
Hey, get off Jeff! You don't have chronic sunburned shoulders. Hot, do something. Get him off me!
Can't stop now. Streeters going for the record.
Go, Jeff! Yeah! Jeff! Ride him, Jeff!
Ride him like the beautiful stallion he is! Come on, Jeff, knock it off. Someone's going to get hurt. Come on! Oh, no. I reckon I rode him too far. Guys, guys, I think I broke my leg. Shush now, boy.
Doctor's on his way. Here, have an apple. I don't want an apple, Pat.
Just help me up, all right? Tell me straight, Pat. You think I'll ever ride again? Well, ain't for me to say.
It's in God's hands now. Oh, OK. All right, I called the emergency room. You guys just helped me get through a cab? Oh, tarnation. It's worse than I figured.
Doc Schneider, what do you think? Will Old Street be all right? Why does Sarah have a mustache?
I'm afraid I'm going to have to put this old stud out to pasture. He's all washed up. No, he's my horse.
I reckon I ought to do it. You become a fine man. Your father will be right proud of you. Is anyone listening to me? Thanks, Doc. I figure he would. All right, old boy. I know we've had some good times. Yes, Jeff, finally. Thank you. OK, help me up. We'll get it. Can one of you?
No, no. Wait! Hey! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! It's a damn shame, ain't it, Kev?
Yep. Let's go home. |
dropout | the_devious_truth_about_egg_nog | Previously on Nog Dynasty And to my adoring second wife Barb, I leave the Hodges family eggnog recipe, my entire fortune and the keys to all of my eggnog empire. I hope you're not upset at the outcome of the will, Terry. I'm Terry, that's Tracy, mother. You know I can never tell you twins apart. Regardless, we are a family, and Nog is thicker than water. She's not going to get away with this. It's not what daddy would have wanted. Bad news, Crazdale. Looks like if you went to secrets to our daddy's nog. You'll have to get rid of our custardy stepmommy. We inherit the fortune.
You get the recipe. Yes, who's there? Nothing. Oh, you must be the new assistant. Yes.
It's a shame my late husband never got to meet you. You would have loved your milky complexion and cinnamon gaze. I'm sorry?
Because he was the CEO of this eggnog company. Oh, yes. You look thirsty. Here, have some nog. Thank you. It goes down just like lotion. I like to feel smooth from the inside out.
Tell me, what's in this nog? I can't go around spilling my sweet secrets to anyone who traipses into my office. I've got big plans for nog. Thick, rich, creamy, drippy plans.
Get Wisconsin on the line. We're going to make some calls. Are you on the phone?
Ah, yes. Nog, that's what I call music to my ears. I dream of a nog theme park. Children floating down a lazy river brimming with nog. Yes, I see it now. One day, we'll take nog to the top of the dairy case before the coffee creamer.
Oh, what have we here? Don't think I don't know what's going on. I'm only recently widowed, but I'm sure something can be arranged. Well, did you do it?
I'm going to need another gun. Jesus Christ. My hands were all viscous from the dairy.
Now, let's not blame the nog. Are you sure your nog just nervous?
I don't know if I could do this. Well, if you do it, you can have all of this. And I'm all in.
Tracy. I'm Tracy.
I know, you're both so similar. It's not for nothing, but we are identical.
I'll do it. For you. Do it tonight.
Mommy will be taking her milky nightly bath, as per usual. She'll be our girl. And then her body will be all soft and knocky. Well, she won't even notice you coming in.
Oh, I thought we were all done for the day. But I guess I have one more in me. Looks like Barbara Hodges' nog is about to expire.
Whatever do you mean? I need the secret recipe. Oh, don't make me. I'm only going to make you give me the secret recipe. So you don't want us to? What's in the nog, Barb?
Oh, God, oh, God. Milk. I knew it. Eggs. Cream. Oh, Roger, forgive me. Sugar.
Who did this? What happened? Who did this?
Good tidings to all, and to all a good nog. |
dropout | who_gets_the_cool_gun_ch_shorts | Alright Bravo team, listen up. The target is at the base of the hill, they're heavily armed, and likely booby traps abound. How come the captain's gun is so cool right now?
Oh right? Look at that.
Keep your wits about you. He looks like he got it from like an alien. Yeah, like an old alien. Everything you learned in training is a blazer here like balls of light. Stay frosty.
Let's move out. This changes nothing. This facility is an imminent threat to national security, alright? All we're going to do is locate that compound, surround it, okay? We locate the target, call in the air strike, and then we're all home to our girlfriends.
You got me ladies? Let's do it! Sarge? Why do you got the captain's gun? Why did you specifically get to pick that up? Oh, the gun? Yes. Well, I'm, you know, the acting commanding officer, and so it's my duty to make sure that the mission has its goal accomplished. I have the gun. I'm going to use the gun.
No disrespect. All doers. Yeah, so much respect. As much respect as you can have. We're all good soldiers, and people say that I'm, like, kind of the best shots. Yeah, and I'm the fast one, so I feel like I have the most armor, so I would get to use that the longest.
That's enough! That's enough, alright?
I'm keeping the gun. The gun's for me, okay? You don't get to have it. There's tactical reasons I need it, okay?
So just, look, stop arguing. Cap is dead.
We have a mission to accomplish, alright? If someone would snap a quick picture of me with this, I feel like I look pretty cool. Sideboat! Oh, no. Well, okay. It's just going to be a thing. I just... We were just talking about the better marksman. The next and the chain of pinball happened. Right. What's more valuable? I think... Are you really... Oh, this is awesome.
What are you doing? Waiting? Waiting. Waiting for you to die so I can pick it up. Are you kidding me?
No, use your own gun. This gun sucks.
You have to give it back to me. Yes, totally. What do I give it back to you? Oh, my God. Here we go. Oh, it is a laser. Yeah! It's so... Oh, man. How'd you do that? Give it back to me. It's my go.
Yeah! You're doing it right! Woo-hoo! Yeah! I am so cool. Ah, hell yeah. Nice.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for other fun stuff, and thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_bloxing | You guys are watching Bleep Bloop. This week we are playing boxing games, so I am joined by Neil Janowitz, editor of ESPN the magazine, College Humor's Amir Blumenfeld, and Jason Thompson in Up and Coming Welterweight in New York City. You guys ready to play some punch out? Yeah. Wait, should we say which one of us is the Upcoming Welterweight and which one is Amir Blumenfeld? So let's get the obvious question out of the way.
How realistic is this game? Very realistic, right?
Have you ever fought somebody that's literally twice your size? You know, I've fought some guys that was pretty big. You've fought some glass josie, right?
This is like a seminal Nintendo game. Everyone's playing this game. Yeah. Most Nintendo characters, even in Mario, they're just like the size of a thumb, but these guys have expressions. They're like real cartoon characters. Yeah. Very advanced at the time.
Are you a boxing fan? Do you watch boxing a lot?
Oh, yeah. Favorite fighter of all time? Well, it's like... King Hippo. Paul King Hippo, Muhammad Ali, Tom Filmenko, Sugar Ray Leonard. It's weird to, if you think about it, it's like Mike Tyson's like, all right, we're gonna give you your own boxing game.
You're the evil boss at the end. You're the worst guy, the hardest boss. He just punches the guy for each of the characters. The point of the game is to kill you.
I wonder if that's how they pitched Mario to Bowser. Hey, press start. I think he's one of those crazy moves. Oh, there it is. Alright, we just open up a hole. I think you got a new coach. I'm gonna get on a bike. You go chase me. You gotta dodge that and then go into it.
Yeah, you can't hit again, so you're not purple. I mean, you're a boxer. You shouldn't know that. Do you have any kind of indicator when you're really exhausted in the ring? How tired do you have to be to turn fluorescent?
There you go. Alright, now we're in a groove. Now, tell me. What just happened to you?
I mean, obviously, that doesn't really happen where someone just lets you punch them over and over because they missed an uppercut. You must get in some sort of groove like that, that feels like this, right? In the mix of a good combination. Yeah, it has to be fast and real accurate, but of course, nobody's going to stay in there. What's it feel like to be on the other side of that? Not good. This looks like a real mismatch to me.
There's no weight division in the game. Otherwise, Mack would only be fighting Mario. King Hippo would only be fighting Mack's coach.
I feel like in 1987, James Tony was watching this and thinking, there's a chance. This is Face Breaker, which seems, based on the character selection, he seems to come from the punch out school of realism. That's Soto Papinski. That's Piston Honda. Is this a sound boxing strategy, throwing your entire weight behind the body so much that it knocks you down?
I almost saved me. Just knowing how to box puts you at such a greater advantage. You've got to watch out for the pedigree. That's a pretty nasty finish. Don't let him throw you against that rope, or you'll be running back ahead.
That's a good question. Let's say, how many just straight up punches you can't block could you take before falling? For me. With gloves, how many punches to the face do you think you could take from me before you went down? I wouldn't want to take any. Of course you wouldn't want to take any, but if I like to age you $10 punch, you think you could survive a hundred blows to the face by me? So guys, what have we learned today? Real boxing talent and fake boxing talent are inversely proportionate. |
cracked | zuckerberg_trump_breitbart_and_similarly_clowns_some_news | Hello, I'm a news a news person and here's some news. It's being reported that Mark Zuckerberg's company Facebook sold $100,000 of political ads during the 2016 US presidential campaign to fake Russian accounts And after flipping a coin to decide if this should be about Russia's influence on our election or about Zuckerberg being the worst We're proud to introduce our new segment called Zuckerberg 2020 but sarcastically great job mark You're really bringing the country together with your bubble-enforcing data mining ad centric social network That didn't fix its fake news problem because it was worried about losing profit suck 2020. I mean it Here's some news The president got a do-over for his hurricane Harvey relief photo op in Texas when sorry breaking news Hurricane Irma has formed and sorry breaking news hurricane Jose is Sorry breaking news hurricane Katya has can we just put a pin in the onslaught of record-breaking hurricanes for just a fucking second So president Trump got to visit Texas again and as conservative talk fellow Charlie Kirk pointed out Here are the photos the mainstream media won't show you photos He found on these mainstream media outlets But to be fair there is a lot of focus on embarrassing or dumb or cruel or bat things that Trump does instead of on the good things he's done like You know the Thing Do we have a clip? No worth a shot So let's check out some of these pics the lame stream greedier won't show us Here's one of him holding an object near a truck if only there was a video of it.
Oh good there is So there he goes Loading the item in the back of the pickup. Nope handing it to the driver. Okay Telling the driver to have a good time. Cool. That's normal Handed another item by someone who could just put it in the truck, but there he goes into the back. Nice Yeah, another box into the back Yeah, one more from that person to that person to the president into the back. All right Look around a little bit for a thing to put in up. There you go, buddy. One more There's a lot more room, but nope.
He just says you're all set and let's wrap it up with uh And just a reminder to call the number on your screen to order our five tape set of presidential exercise videos like Get handed four items by four different people near a truck or footage not found some news brought to you by exercise Exercise something that the president literally thinks depletes a human's finite amount of energy which humans do not have But that was just unfair pointless mockery of our very dumb president It's funny that he signed a wall in a gym But it doesn't matter who cares the important stuff that the lame stream Greedy won't tell you is that the president is going to donate 1 million dollars to these charities Pretty cool considering he has a well-documented history of saying he'll donate to charity But doesn't like that one time he went to a charity event didn't donate anything snuck up onto the dais sat down got his picture Taken and then left that happened He also has a history of implementing policy he contradicts like cutting the interior and education budgets by billions But donating thousands to them or claiming climate change is a hoax while trying to build a seawall at his golf resort because of climate change Or cutting fema's budget and then donating to help disaster relief And so here's a brief segment called you know, you're the president, right? You can fix some of these problems by doing like president stuff anyway Later the president went to North Dakota during three hurricanes and gave a speech about climate no tax reform Also oil and coal fossil fuels in general and pulling out of the job killing Paris climate Accord Which is about climate change which the president thinks is a hoax created by the Chinese Which if true seems to be going really well for them. Maybe if we called climate change freedom, whether he'd take it seriously Let's see. How else does the president suck? Me cares we cares Anyway, here's some news since very serious man John Kelly became White House chief of staff The president has become upset that his daily news has fewer Breitbart articles perhaps because they reinforce his racist views But now that's unfair. Let's take a look at a Breitbart article Here's one about all of the crimes committed by people staying here under DACA citing 2,139 people being arrested for a crime and to illustrate these tax-paying dreamers Breitbart originally used a photo of notorious gang MS-13 because dreamers are gangs The photo was later changed and the really good Breitbart article failed to mention that 2,139 people arrested for crimes out of 800,000 dreamers is about one out of 374 and in America one in three citizens have been arrested by the age of 23 and this concludes our segment get the smart President more honest Breitbart articles to fuel his good opinions. Oh, what a clown person Hey speaking of in clown people according to the clown president of the world clown Association the new evil clown film it is hurting the clown industry according to one clown quote It all started with the original it and Pennywise is not a clown and has nothing to do with pro clowning not to be confused with Extreme pro clowning or mixed martial arts clowning anyway This clown damn nation has been going on for some time first with American Horror Story and later when real-life creepy clowns assaulted people Last year prompting one clown to throw a clown lives matter March Like that's not totally messed up and here's the thing clowns I did some clown googling and it seems that your world clown Association admitted in 2014 that the clown industry has been on decline since the early 2000s And according to the clown secretary of the prestigious clown Institute clowns international modern birthday clowning is being replaced by princesses pirates and superheroes In other words the clown industry is hurting regardless of the creepy clown stereotype A cultural idea that has existed since ancient Rome. It didn't start with a book in the 80s clowns are historically sinister The most famous real-life clown is famous for killing at least 33 people Clowns are the coal industry of birthday parties their industries have been caustic from day one But instead of admitting that they point gloved fingers at critics while refusing to recognize modern improvements like superheroes or solar power or natural gas Or pirates the longer they ignore the problem the harder the industry will crash into oblivion get over it clowns It's time to move on I mean look Anyone can clowns and easy now It's time for you pale-faced monsters to put on a Batman cowl and do some push-ups or if it's easier Believe in climate change and then carry a few items handed to you by four people near a truck Hey everybody Thanks for watching make sure to click the C to subscribe and the bell to get notifications and visit our Contributions page to help us bring you the content Visit our contributions page to help us bring you the cut To help us bring you the content. I can't believe it visit our contributions page to help us bring you the content you crave Wow, whoa Wow |
SaturdayNightLive | hollywood_dish_with_scarlett_johansson_snl | Thanks so much for doing this interview. I'm thrilled. I watch Hollywood Dish all the time. that's how I found out that Dabney Coleman died. Oh, no, we had to retract that. he's totally alive. he's on Boardwalk Empire now. he's very good.
Anyway, are we ready to get started? yeah, are we speeding? is the lens cap off? All right, okay. peas. am I shoe-shining? Okay.
Scarlett Johansson, right off the bat, I've got to say congratulations on your Tony Award. How did that feel? Oh, God. I was so surprised. I was not expecting that at all. being on stage in New York, it's such an incredible feeling. the whole experience was magical. I want to do it all over again, you know?
I'm sorry. is there something wrong? Oh, no, no, no. you're doing fine. we just don't want to ruin your audio. Yeah, yeah. we can't make sounds when you talk. Oh, okay. I see what you're talking about. Sky joke.
I have to ask, what was it like working with Woody Allen? Oh, well, at first I was so intimidated by him. I mean, because he's such an icon. you know, he's made so many amazing films. now we just have such a great relationship.
No, no, no, not like that. we're friends. Okay, listen, you were in lost in translation. do you know any Japanese? I can say, like, one thing.
Yikes. Okay, are we almost done here? Hang on, hang on. I got to ask you this, okay? Your husband, Ryan Reynolds, has some pretty big muscles. is he big everywhere? what do you mean? does he have a big gap?
Excuse me? we're talking about his. I'm not answering, not. come on, we're just talking about his. stop, stop. I know exactly what you're talking about, and I'm not going to discuss my husband's penis. Whoa, language. our moms are here. right there. right behind him. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. you know what? I think I should just go. wait, wait, wait, wait. please, please. one last question. one last question. And not personal at all.
Yes, we're asking everybody. just tell us how excited you are for the next and probably final season of the Jersey Shore. you know, I've never seen the show, so. I just don't watch a lot of reality televisions. great skin. What is your secret? Well, I make sure I never go to bed with makeup on, and I live for sunblock, and a big secret is that.
I'm sorry, are you two even listening to me? I'm officially annoyed, and I'm officially leaving. I cannot believe I came on this stupid show. I swear I'm going to fire my publicist.
Thank you for a junky time. Oh, she was cool. she is so cool. cool chat. I want to hang out with her. laid back. oh, so laid back.
Tonight on Hollywood Dish. has Scarjo lost her mind, though? At first, I was so intimidated by her husband's penis. Plus, is Lady Gaga missing? no. on the next Hollywood Dish. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_dan_bulldozer_on_the_impact_of_social_media_snl | Recent studies show that social media is making young people unhappy and insecure about their own lives. here to comment is lifestyle influencer Dan Bulldozer. he's great, man. what's going on? y'all got a legit setup. Thanks, yeah. So Dan, you're super rich and you just show off your crazy life on Instagram, right? something like that, yeah.
So I basically wanted life straight up, just like parties on the yacht, vapes everywhere, snowboarding with like a bazooka. my life is insane. yeah, that's, that's cool, man. like, check, check. ask me how many girls I'm dating right now. how many girls are you? 940. Okay, cool, man. it is cool, I agree. So yeah, I'm dating the nine Hundo girls.
I got the new book, which like, why is writing so easy? you just have to type it out. you're writing a book?
Yeah, man, it's kind of like Hemingway, but for guys, two, three. And that's me in the zone, writing about my struggles with shirts. So it's like a men lock.
Yeah, yeah. it's the moving story of me stacking cash, blowing clouds, and changing the world through positivity. it's called Aspo. Wow, that's good for you, man. Gotta ask, despite all the success, how do you stay so down to earth?
Let me put it this way. do you know that ancient story of the farmer and the crow? No, I don't think I do. Oh, so it's like Farmer has three daughters. he's a very wise farmer. first daughter goes to the farmer says, i saw a crow. Farmer says, maybe. second daughter goes to the farmer says, dad, I saw a crow. Daddy says, maybe. then the crow goes to like an old maid, or it's like a cobbler. and then the first girl, I'm trying to remember. hey, you all right, Dan? yeah, yeah, it's just the point of the story is like, everything is just insane.
Okay, that's it? I think so. hey man, are you happy? no way, no. All right, Dan Bulldozer, everybody. my life is cold.
Thank you, for weekend update, I'm Michael Che. I'm Tom Gelsk, Goodnight.
Thanks, Yeah, so Dan, you're super rich and you just show off your crazy life on Instagram, right? something like that, Yeah. So I basically wanted life straight up, just like parties on the yacht, vapes everywhere, snowboarding with like a bazooka. my life is insane.
Yeah, that's cool, man. like Che, Che. ask me how many girls I'm dating right now. how many girls are you? 940. okay, cool, man. it is cool, I agree. So yeah, I'm dating the non-hundo girls.
I got the new book, which like, why is writing so easy? you just have to type it out. you're writing a book? Yeah, man, it's kind of like Hemingway, but for guys, too thick. Don writing about my struggles with shirts. so it's like a memoir.
Yeah. it's the moving story of me stacking cash, blowing clouds, and changing the world through positivity. it's called Aspoo. Wow, that's good for you, man. Gotta ask, despite all the success, how do you stay so down to earth?
Let me put it this way. do you know that ancient story of the farmer and the crow? No, I don't think I do. Oh, so it's like, farmer has three daughters. he's a very wise farmer. first daughter goes to the farmer, says, i saw a crow. farmer says, maybe. second daughter goes to the farmer, says, dad, i saw a crow. daddy says, maybe. then the crow goes to like an old maid, or it's like a cobbler. and then the first girl, um. try to remember. hey, you all right, Dan? yeah, yeah, it's just, the point of the story is like, everything is just insane. okay, that's it? I think so. hey, man, are you happy? no way, no. all right, Dan Bulldozer, everybody. my life is crazy.
Thank you guys, goodnight. Bye. |
dropout | your_six_drunk_personalities | This is you. Catherine, again. Come on, man.
We're going out tonight. This is the bar you're going to, and these are your six drunk personalities. About 15 minutes after your first drink or two, he arrives.
Oh my gee. You guys are fucking beautiful. Charming, confident he's you without all the annoying insecurities or inhibitions. That was the weirdest dog dick I've ever seen.
He also reminds you a little inhibition isn't always a bad thing. Hey man, maybe you should... Socks, great idea. Take it easy.
He's also not a great listener. You've never thought of yourself as a funny guy.
And if you're in the water with them, this is scary. I'm sorry. I have to be the center of attention right now.
But he does. His act is a brilliant combination of all the best movie jokes. He can't quite remember.
You gotta get in my belly. Do not go in there. I'm from San Diego, which means my wife's VJ man.
I'll be back, right, bud? Don't worry. He always knows how to win back an audience. Funny boys gone.
It's time for a man of action. It was an accident. I'll buy you a drink. Listen up.
We don't do a backflip off that table right now. None of these girls are gonna make out with us.
Where'd you get that jacket? I stole it from a waitress.
Stay here. It's too dark to wear those sunglasses, man. You're gonna get hurt.
He's highly trained. Just yesterday, he watched a parkour video on YouTube. As far as he can remember, he's never blown a stunt. He's a really nice guy. He's just having a tough week. His memory isn't that great.
Enough foolishness. It's time for a man of wealth and taste. You dare serve such swill to Reginald T. Moneypants? The richest man in fancy town?
Reginald struck it rich in the part-time office manager industry. Now, he makes almost $30,000 a year.
I demand liqueur from your highest shelf in your most oddly shaped bottle. Kosher cinnamon tequila. Thank you. His taste is matched only by his generosity. The only thing he can't afford is for the bartender to realize that's just a Dave and Buster's player points card.
Fine motor control. Speaking English. You had these things figured out. He does not. Come on. Use big boy words.
All he can think about is food and breasts. Boobies?
Those are for you. The worst parts are his mood swings. You're a bad turtle.
Come on. Dance with me. Oh, shit. All right. Seriously, man? At least he's a really good sleeper. Fried food, Gatorade, Alka-Seltzer, Vitamin B, possibly dog hair. All of them. Now. You can't die. You need to find your phone, your keys, check for night puke. Or not. You owe me, man. Big time. A good friend has seen all your personalities and knows how to deal with each of them. |
cracked | the_true_story_behind_may_december_part_2 | Mary Kayla Tornow and Billy Foulau met when he was a student in her second grade class. Over the next few years, she keeps in touch with him, weird, invites him to go to the museum over her home, and they kind of form a friendship. And finally, when he was in her sixth grade class, she was 34, he was 12, things got more serious. Her marriage was on the rocks, but before she even got divorced, she became intimate with Billy and got pregnant with his child. Her husband finds their love letters, turns her in, and she is arrested and tried. I'm skipping over a lot of crazy details, like her violating parole and becoming pregnant with their second child four times. But Mary Kay served her prison sentence, got out, and her and Billy got married. They continued to raise their two kids together until they eventually got separated in 2017. Mary Kay passed away from cancer in 2020. Someone online pointed out that Billy Foulau was 34 when he filed for divorce from Mary Kay, the exact age that she was when she started their illicit affair. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_106_Becky_Lucas_part_3 | Some people are going mad. Some people are losing a lot of money. Some businesses are flat out collapsing, you go down the main street of any town in Australia and you'll see a store you once liked is no longer open and closed for good. But some people are thriving, whether they be selling highly marked up hand sanitiser on the streets and toilet paper at the boot of a car or they are stand-up comedians.
One of the most prominent Australian stand-up comedians is actually joining us today on the podcast, Becky Lucas. She's been able to spend most of this pandemic living remotely on Stradbroke Island and still somehow managed to make a whole heap of money in the process. So things are good for Becky despite having every single one of her shows cancelled at the 2020 Comedy Festival, we're here to talk today to Becky Lucas about this brave new world for creatives who depend on rooms full of people.
Yeah, thanks for having me guys. No, thanks for coming back for the third time, Becky. It's always nice to talk to you. It's always a pleasure and it's never a chore.
How was that rambling intro? Was that accurate?
That was great and I think you know you should really, yes I am making money but not in my industry. Because when I was on the island I started collecting shells and as I was collecting these shells I was thinking, gosh, like these are really beautiful. You know, like maybe people would like to wear these and so I started up a little necklace store. Online? E-commerce? Yeah, I've gone online and I've got all these shells and it's going really well. Nice. They're flying off the shells. You've also been into crystals for years, haven't you? Yeah, yep.
What's your star sign? I'm a cancer. Both astrology and socially. No you're not. Socially. You're not a cancer, Becky. I am. I've ripped through social scenes, tearing people apart. I think that you're more of a Scorpio.
Thank you. Isn't that what everyone wants to be? I think that Malcolm Turnbull is a Scorpio. Yeah, right. That makes sense. Bit of a grenade roller. But yeah, how's it been for you?
I mean, you guys usually come in and watch my show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, don't you? I usually come down to the cold country to watch you and all the others talk your little hearts out. I never see you in the crowd, but I can always smell you.
Yeah. George Jack Daniels and Coke to the breeze. Bit of tobacco in the air. Yeah, there's a waft.
But it's always, it's a very fun time. It's a great Australian past, time to head down to Melbourne and watch Australia's great attention seekers do their things on stage.
And then there's Adam Hills. And then Adam Hills, of course, Becky's mentor, inspiration.
You know, he actually doesn't even have one leg. It's a lie. It's a spin.
Wait, you reckon he's got both legs? He's got both legs.
Nice. It's a G up. You reckon it's like a branding, a branding exercise. It's like Stevie Wonder's not blind. It's true.
Becky, can you tell us a little bit about the anxieties and frustrations in the comedy, stand up comedy scene right now? There's a lot of comedians at the moment who sort of think, I mean, I think at the start, like so many comedians were the first people I saw asking for handouts.
Yeah. Before the NRL. Yeah, before the NRL crumbled.
But it was just, it was so strange to me because I was like, no one's asked you to be in the arts. How do comedians, how do they make their money when they're not touring or doing a show for the ABC? I don't know. But if you're not pretty like, I didn't quit a real job until I was, knew that it was pretty consistent, but there's a couple of comedians who it's like, they weren't ready to quit their full time job and then they probably weren't even going to make that much money at Melbourne Comedy Festival. But then they started going around immediately being like, if anyone wants to donate to my GoFundMe, da da da da, and it's like, man, I don't think that, like, I reckon you're going to make more money from this than you were at the festival. Don't people lose money at the festival?
Yeah. Typically.
But suddenly they're all like pretending like this was going to be their year. It's been very convenient for some people. I think it was going to be a lot of people's year, but now it's just going to be the pangolins year that he got back against all of us. I keep wanting to find girls tweets that were tweeting like about how excited they were for 2020 and just start retweeting them every day. It was definitely my year, bitches. Like it was, it was all coming up for me.
You know, like I was, I was thinking about maybe buy a car, maybe go on a holiday. You know what I mean? You don't have your license, hey? No, I lost it.
Like high range speeding, which is a rare charge, but it was. Yeah. Just wanted to see how fast you could go. It was exactly that. It was long stretch of road, so long that you could take in the curvature of the earth and just press the pedal as fast as you can. It's one of man's greatest weaknesses. Speed. Wanting to see how fast he can go.
Tell us a little bit about the Comedy Festival as it usually would go, Becky, because we actually bumped into you down there last year. Actually, we didn't. We couldn't even get tickets to your show because you were sold out because you're a successful standup, but we met up for a drink afterwards. And I remember you saying something along the lines of how troubling it is for so many comedians that you go down there, no one exercises for a month and they drink piss every single night.
Yeah. It's crazy.
Like I did pingers last night and I still feel healthier. I still feel like the festival, it's just it's like low level anxiety all day because you have to do a show and then you do the show and then whatever happens, if you have a shit one, you'll drink. And then if you have a good one, you want to drink. So every morning you're like on the back foot, hungover, eat shit food, sleep in until like four and then have to do it all over again. And then every now and then you've got to drag yourself out of bed to do some interview with Nova or whatever.
So in Melbourne, because it goes for a whole month, where do you stay? Just like an Airbnb. With other comedians? Yeah, generally. Yuck. So you'd actually prefer to be self isolating at home and not making money than having to share a house with Aaron Chen and Cameron James and Matt O'Kine for the next month.
Who is the cleanest comedian you've ever had to bunk with? The cleanest comedian, probably Tom Cashman.
I can see him. He's quite fastidious in his putting away of things. He would be loving it now because he'd have to wash his hands every 30 seconds. Mike Goldstein as well is a germophobe. Oh really? Like he's had some hand sanitiser on in his back pocket for years. He's also a homophobe. I've listened to his podcast before and his lamephobe.
One question I want to ask Becky. Have you ever seen, you know how the running joke is that all comedians have like kind of base level personality disorders? Yeah. Well, a lot do. Have you ever seen a comedian, you don't have to name them, have a proper tantrum? Yeah. Because that's something that the comedy fan doesn't get to see, but you guys get to see the blow ups, the tantrums in the episodes. Yeah.
Most people as they mature into adult life stop sort of craving attention or at least have good ways of masking that they want attention. But like comedians are just babies, like adult babies, you know, like they're just happy to whine and complain and ask someone if like a man over the age of 25 should not get drunk and ask you, do you like me? Yet it happens every week. If you're a comedian, they love asking each other for money too.
Yeah. Me and Sam Campbell used to just lend each other the same 50 bucks back and forward for years when we were starting out, it was like every other week we'd just be transferring $50 to each other. It's pretty, pretty rough. What do you find now as you kind of, as you're transitioning to like, I guess you'd say... I thought we weren't going to talk about that. I was going to say how you're kind of transitioning into the old guard of Australian comedy. I think I am. It's so depressing. Yeah. What's happening there?
Because like all of the other old guard now have their TV shows slash... I know, I'm old guard with none of the perks.
Yeah. I mean, well, what, you don't have a job, you don't have a job in an ABC writing room? Yeah. Now obviously you're in a position where a lot of young guys and girls coming through are kind of citing Becky as an inspiration. I don't know about that. What do you do about that? Especially when you start seeing derivative work. Yeah.
I think it's weird because I was such a little shit when I was younger and always trying to, I don't know, fuck with stuff or whatever, or like make fun of the thing that was ahead of me. And so I'm like, I'm very aware of someone thinking I'm lame, which I shouldn't care about. Like I should just let it go. It's like, they should think I'm lame. Like it's, it's always annoying when like the older comedians are like, you know, you should respect us.
And it's like, nah. Like you just do your thing and that's fine, but when we respect you, but they think we should stick around and watch their sets and stuff and it's like, no, we don't want to like, Yeah. It's not like, it's not 965 anymore where they pave the way. It's like, yeah. Yeah. They're not paving the way. I'm like, you're doing a fucking six year old Louis CK joke, but worse. I don't know. I guess I am kind of in the new, like I'd be the more established comic if you started now. Yeah. Um, which is still crazy to me.
I don't feel like it. I still have the, the insecurities of someone just starting. Like it doesn't change. You don't, it doesn't change your, you don't see your successes as adding to anything. It's just like, I dunno, you're the same person.
Who was the, uh, old guard when you were just starting out? Like who were you looking up to and being like, Hey, why aren't you hanging around to watch my set?
Yeah. Um, well when I started, it was sort of like Mel Buddle, Damien Power, Matt Okine. I don't know. It's, I mean, it's hard. Even like Henry and Greg and Sam, like we weren't that far apart in starting, but they were still so funny that like I looked up to them a lot, I guess. Yeah. And there's like the proper, like, you know, it's, there was like Judith, Lucy and like all those people, but Carl Barron, Carl Barron doesn't socialize with anyone. Right. He is from Longreach and you have to be a bit weird if you come from Longreach. I know a lot of people from Longreach and they're all a bit funny. And they eventually, to venture south, venture south to be a stand up is a huge goal. Yeah.
I think that most of them go north to Darwin to be comedians up there. I've heard it's quite big up there now in Darwin. Is Longreach a really long beach? In Darwin. Is it in Darwin?
Longreach. Longreach, sorry.
No, it's, it's like smack bang in the middle of Queensland. She actually should know this because her old man was a ringer out there for about 10 years. But... It's, it's, it's also the birthplace of Qantas too.
Yeah. Right. Yeah.
I think, you know, I, I, yeah, I am a bit, I'm, I'm, my, my gears are a bit slower this morning. You should have seen me last night. I was being very funny, very chatty, very chatty. I wish I could muster up some of that energy. Nah, it's great. I love it. Do you want me to tell you, I'll tell you a funny, I guess I have to be careful, but also whatever.
But there's a lot of funny things that happen in the Melbourne Comedy Festival just with, like, it's, it's really like people of all levels and they want to, you know, this month can like really change stuff for people. And so there's a lot of desperation in the air and like a lot of people losing money or, you know, some people going really well and like, it's just really funny to watch people's decline over the month, you know, like just over the month you just see people with their heads in their hands more and more. And like, there was this one girl, she's a clown, she was a clown. And as in like, like, yeah, sort of like a burlesque clown, which is a thing that you can be in Melbourne.
But not in Queensland. No, no, no, we'll put you straight, put you in a mental home. There should be more loony bins. I feel like they're taking loony bins away, we need more. Off to the cooker's nest for you. Or you can get a Melbourne. Yeah, you can either live in Melbourne or go to a loony bin in Queensland.
Anyway, but at the start of the festival, she was telling me, she's like, yeah, I'm doing this really experimental show that I don't have a venue. So what I do is I ask people on Twitter, where would they like to see me perform? And I give them three options, however many votes that gets. So it could just be in the park or at someone's home or even by the swing set. She's like, I'll do my show there. And then people can come and they have to find where it is and join me. And that's my venue. And I'm like, fucking hell, you've got 124 followers on Twitter. How many engagements are you getting? And also it's hard enough to get people to come to a show when your venue is locked in and it's every night. Like those were all different times of the day, all different places you could find her anywhere.
And she's like, yeah, I'm really excited. It's like definitely this new thing I'm excited to try.
And then a week later I walk past her and she's crying and all her clown makeup has run down her face. And I was like, Jesus Christ. I'm like, how are you doing? And she's like, not good.
Yeah, it was raining. So I had to do my show near that bin because there was a little bit of undercover. So yeah, not great. It sounds desperate down there. It's no desperate. Like people are just, yeah, it's full on.
If you had any words for a young person who was hoping to be a full time comedian, what would you give them? That would be a burlesque clown.
And maybe try and get a venue first. Get a venue. Try and practice making your eyes look less desperate in the mirror.
No, this is all good advice. Yeah. Or even just look into doing something in the tech world. Just completely pivot away from comedy. Yeah, that's also really good advice.
So many comedians I know are like, I'm desperate to get back on stage. I love just being at home watching the telly at night. I know when all my stories are on. I'm like 6 p.m. friends, then Neighbours, then Friends, then two episodes of Seinfeld. Then I go over to ABC Comedy, I watch two episodes of The Office. Hell yeah. I know the free-to-air schedule. Yeah, yeah, you're back to front. Yeah, I feel like I'm 10 years old.
Where do the pingas come into the mix then? My boyfriend and I were just being passive aggressive to each other in the afternoon. And I was like, oh, you know what will fix this if we have pingas?
And it worked like a charm. With a dark web? Yeah, from Denmark. Oh. Yeah, made in a lab.
Yeah, well, it felt pretty cozy last night with all that dopamine streaming down my spine. Well, this is where we're at in quarantine. Week four, we're openly talking about recreational drug use and where to acquire said drugs. That is a bit of fun though, Becky.
What else can you see yourself doing to, I mean, say this thing goes on, social distancing goes on for another two months, what do you go to then? I'm imagining you're a sole trader, are you applicable for JobKeeper? I think possibly, but I'm going to hold off because I have a few little jobs and I just, I'm just like, oh, I won't clog the system while other people need to get it.
Gosh, that's so... It's quite noble of me. Noble citizen, yeah.
You're a martyr. Maybe you could just cut out that little sound bite to promote this podcast. So I could have a noble retweet for once. Yeah, and you'd also get a massive quiet Australian following, even though I'd say most of your audience are quiet Australians who love hearing about the life and times of Becky Lucas from Victoria Point.
Yeah, it is so fucked up. Last night we were talking about, someone was saying about how we're changing, like we're getting better as a society, and I'm like, every day I have a man follow me with an Australian flag as his background on Facebook, and just a really close up photo of his big nose and his Ford hat. And he abuses you for being a feminist?
Yeah, or like, but they're just around, like nothing's changing. He's like, you've just secured your little bubble mate, but nothing's changed.
Do you reckon that that's a really, really weird take from all of this whole thing with like all these people dying and coronavirus? The big take is, you know, this is fixing us. We were due for a shift as a society. That's what the Germans thought when Hitler was rising to power. It was either major world conflict or it was a pandemic, it was one of the two. Yeah, well, there was World War One and then the Spanish flu. And then everyone was like, oh, things are changing for the better. This Hitler guy, like things, there was positivity in the air. So, beware.
In terms of the Great Depression, like the biggest country that was affected by it was Germany. They got punished because they had all the repayments they had to make to the Allies under the Treaty of Versailles and then everything, like the Weimar Republic went arse up and then things just got worse.
And then a little guy with a moustache was like, I'm going to give you a Volkswagen sort of Beetle if you vote for me. And then all of them won. So basically, the Volkswagen Beetle was the Nazi Germany version of Frankincredits. Yeah.
If you own or drive a German car, you're a fucking racist. You're a piece of shit.
And you deserve to go to Nuremberg to be tried. And we'll hang you by your neck until you die and then we'll burn your corpse.
This is good stuff, Becky. You should get us on stage next when they open up the venues again. We could get on there a bit of a riff scenario, you know, maybe a panel. Yeah, we should do something. I think it could work. I'm a little low energy today, so don't base it on this. We just wanted to see, this is ideal. I'm kind of stoned at the moment as well. We just wanted to see where the comedians were at right now, because about two weeks ago we heard so much noise from the standup comedy circle about how everyone's livelihoods are at risk. We thought, well, how about we actually see, because right now is when everyone would be selling those rooms out, right?
Yeah. Look, I lost a lot of money. But you actually did. I actually did. Yeah.
But you know, I guess I'm also in a position, I'm very lucky in that I can get other sort of work. And I think for so many comedians, it's like, you know, this was like, everyone remembers the year that it happened for them. Like, I remember that for me. And it's like, you know, I know that we're not that important or whatever, but everyone's little thing, everyone's little dreams matter to them. And I think, like, if you'd been working really hard and you really felt like this is going to be a good year and a good thing, you know, it would have been disappointing. Everyone needs some kind of like, I feel like I can only be happy if I've got something to look forward to, even if it's vague.
Yeah. You know, even just some sort of chipping away at something like new shoes or like a new purse or something or a tax return. I used to love getting a tax return, but then I decided it was much easier to just not pay tax. Yeah. Do you remember when you spent your first tax return on, I actually think we wrote about it in Matilda.
I bought a carton of passion fruit UDLs and a 50 a weed. Yeah, I just bought a lot of weed.
How are both of your partners going? Sarah is doing all right. She's she misses home at the moment, but, you know, we nearly thought about going to Thailand during all of this and staying with her family, but it was a bit hard to get to. But I think they're all right. You know, a nation of islands, they're doing all right.
Indonesia, not so much. I don't know how the Philippines are going.
Do you know my uncle? Have I told you about my uncle?
He's like, um, really annoying, like properly annoying. And he's tried to buy three women from different third world countries to be his wife. And they've all gone back. Is it because he's really annoying or like he's really annoying or is he really rich?
Like what's the goal? What?
He's not really rich, but he's, he's, he made one good investment in his life and it's, it's, he's okay. You can, he's doing okay.
But he's, he's extremely annoying.
So they peel off with half or do they literally like forgo the fortunes to just go home because he's that. Yeah. They forgo the fortune. One of them went back during a, there had been like a hurricane in her village and she was like, that's still better than being in his Subaru Forester.
I think that we should get him on the podcast next week. I'd love it. Hey, can we get your dad on seriously without you? He would love it. Actually.
He told me a funny story the other day. He was, he's, he's shearing sheep at the moment on his farm and he's got a man helping him there.
And the other man was saying, you know, in, in Beanlee and in Brisbane, there used to be a tiger, an elephant and lion park, like, do you know that? No, but I know Beanlee is like historically loose. Like that's where they, that's where they made Australia's only white rum in Beanlee. It's a little bit of Brisbane before it becomes a Gold Coast. I think there used to be a white rum that was made up in Bundaberg. Are you talking about Bundaberg rum?
Yeah.
And there was a clear version of it that used to send people mad. But yeah, tell us about the Beanlee Tiger Zoo. This is just cause my dad ever since he pitched that story to you has been riding on on cloud nine.
I've never seen him so confident. And he's a pretty confident guy.
How does he read Pachudor Advocate? Does he get the email or is he? He gets the email.
Right. Old school.
Anyway, so this guy who's shearing sheep, he told him, so he's like, yeah, Beanlee, you could drive. It was a drive through Tiger Park. And he got a new car like years ago, like it was like a Mercedes. And and his son was playing with the automatic windows. So you had to keep your windows up. That was like a safety requirement rule. But the kid was playing with the like, taking it up and down. And an elephant came up by the side of the car and put his trunk in and it kind of freaked the kid out and he pushed the window back up and the trunk got kind of caught and the elephant freaked out and put its foot on the car and squashed the car. Pull up, pull up in Logan.
Jesus Christ, I'm guessing that ruined the family car. So then he's like, I was pissed off.
My new car had been trampled by an elephant in Beanlee. In Beanlee?
So he dropped his wife and kids back home and he's like, I'm going to go have a schooner and try and calm down. The car was still drivable. So he drove the car to the pub, had a schooner and then like felt pretty good. So he had a couple more than he should have. And he's driving home.
He's a bit drunk and a police officer pulls him over and he's like, mate, what happened to your car? And he's like, an elephant stood on it. And then the police officer was like, oh, you're drunk and breathalyzed him because it sounded like such a drunk story.
Yeah. Oh, it was in Beanlee. Oh, yeah. Of course. And he's like, the fucking tiger park. Yeah, like he actually was a little bit drunk, but he did. But he didn't, but that is how it happened. Oh, it's one of those stories. Errol, tell Becky the story about old mate at the Gleniness car wreckers. Oh, yeah. Okay. So I heard this yarn from a mate of mine.
In New England. Yeah, in that part of the world. Apparently this bloke in Gleniness, which is a beautiful town in the New South Wales country, not too far from Brisbane.
Yeah, I think I've been actually. Three hours. I think I've performed at Gleniness. Oh, God. I did badly.
So anyway, there's a bloke in town and he's gone out to the tip to throw a couple of things away into the tip. And his car wasn't the best car in town, which if anyone of our listeners is out there now and does know anything about Gleniness to have a poor car in that town is, you know, that car isn't much. But anyway, he's gone into the office to pay for the stuff that he has thrown out of his car at the dump and he's come out again and his car isn't there. And he's gone, oh, this is funny. And then he goes around and just as he walks around the corner, he sees his car get crushed until you put the key in and everything. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And the blokes like, oh, oh, sorry, mate. I thought this was the car that we had to crush. And he was like, it was like, did you get anything out of it? And he's like, what is like, uh, like my fucking house keys, my phone, my fucking wallet and everything. So, so he has gone in to pay the guy in cash and some guys hopped in his car, driven it around the corner at the dump. And it's been crushed into a cube with his phone, his wallet, his keys in it. It's really, um, I think I can already broken man having his car cube is the funniest. Imagine that your car's so shit that the guy at the wrecking yard thinks that it's literally there to be destroyed. I heard too that they had to get like an angle grinder out for half a day and cut into it because he had like hundreds of dollars in his wallet. Oh my God. Like, and they had to cut through half, half of this car.
Just what do they offer your car? Is there like, what happens then? I think they pay you per kilo for a bunch of stuff in it. So basically, so what they do is before they crush your car, that they take all the oil out of it, all the, all the water out of the radiator and, and all the other oils and fluid.
So he must've been in there for a while. He was having a yarn, his car got cute. I think there's more to this yarn because there's a lot of it that doesn't add up.
So I actually emailed the editor of the newspaper there and asked him about it. And he was like, hold on, I'll just go on and make a few inquiries. But he never got back to me. So he is listening. I would, I am, I'm eagerly awaiting his reply some two and a half years later.
Would you rather someone fuck your wife or cube your car? What is more being cocked? What is it? Well, at the moment, because, um, I've got a VE Commodore at the moment and it needs to have the timing. I think it's the timing chains replaced or something.
So I would rather that, I would rather that a person comes and cubes the car, obviously, then coming into my house and making a cuckold of me. We were talking last night about how funny it would be if a guy organized an orgy, but then he came too quickly and he's just trying to get everyone out of the house. Well, that's what guys are like really usually on a one night stand anyway.
Right? Like, okay guys, so good here. Um, I have called you all cabs. Yeah, true. Apparently back in the day, uh, when I say back in the day, I mean like during the Queensland glory era of eight in a row, a couple of those, um, there was a big culture of like cuckolding at the Broncos, not saying any names, but, um, it was kind of like a bit beyond swinging. It was more like, uh, swinging and watching. Whoa. Yeah.
Once again, I definitely will. I definitely will off Mike.
Yeah. I reckon I could guess who it was. Let's say it on three, one, two, three. No, not the King, not the King. Oh God.
Neither of them. No players, players.
But anyway, yeah, it's, it's a weird thing. I mean, Becky, you grew up in a rugby league heartland. What is your take on the hypersexual rugby league player present? You know, the sex tape thing. Do you reckon they're all just secretly gay and they like having sex with each other?
No, but I just think that if you're in that world, you're just operating on base instinct most of the time. You're not really, you're not there to think.
So it's like any urge that overtakes them. They're like, I better follow it. Like this, like their brain is their coach.
Yeah. Football's over. What do I feel like doing now? The brain's like, have sex with that girl in a half pipe. And he's like, all right, boss. And like, does it. Ah, good times.
I don't know. It's weird.
I, I guess they're all like young as well. Everyone does forget that. They're like 20. Yeah.
Like everyone was kind of doing gross shit when they were 20. I was doing some heinous stuff, but no one cared. Cause I couldn't play football, but I'm like, girls are doing gross things. Like guys are doing gross things at that age. I mean, obviously it's a, we, it is a bad culture or whatever, but.
Where were you working at 20? Might have 10. Yeah.
Selling people long pieces of rope without asking any questions. Selling, selling kids spray paint.
What are you using this for? No reason. I think I was working at ice cream mania.
Oh, West End. West End.
I was the Greek guy that I worked for had, um, he had a cold rock franchise. And then he was like, I don't have to do this. Why can't I just have the rock and then have my own business? So he just let go of the franchise, but kept the rock. And every couple of months, someone from cold rock would come around and be like, you have to give us the rock. He's like, I'm not giving you the rock. He's like, it's a cold bit of rock.
You don't own that. You don't own that idea.
And I'm using way cheaper, way cheaper lollies in this cold rock exercise. Yeah. He's getting, he's getting his like nonner and shit to make baklava to put in there. We're not putting crunchy in here. We're putting home brand violet crumbles in this ice cream. Tastes the same.
Have you ever stolen from work? Nah, but you know when you just resent having to do your job at any point, like someone would walk through the door and I'd just do a hard eye roll. Like you just don't want to do any part of your job.
Like it's just like, fucking hell. And one time, one time I was mopping the floor and this girl came in and fell over, like she fell over and really hurt her arm. And she's like, was so mad at me.
She's like, why didn't you put a sign up? Like, why isn't there a sign? And I was like, I am the sign.
Like the little person mopping on the side. I'm mopping.
Why do you need that sign?
Did she have a big spill? She was fucking angry. Like, you know, when someone hurts themselves and they're not dignified about it, like she was really just letting every emotion bubble to the surface. It was pathetic.
So when are you going to post that me at 20 photo of you at the Greek rip off of Cold Rock in West End in... I don't think I've got any photos.
God, I was hideous when I was younger. Like, yeah, it's not, I don't look back at photos and think, oh, we were so hot or whatever. I was quite unattractive.
You know, in kind of what goes hand in hand with that is also like developing a social life. And one thing I've noticed with comedians is a lot of them were late bloomers socially. Yeah. So some of them, some of them are either awesome, they've always been awesome their whole life, or they're the biggest freaks of all time. Hey, look at my bowling shirt. Yeah, like I think a lot of people are in the scene for friendship, but they're like, wow, I always know where the like, most people have to be invited to social gatherings because they're well liked in the group. But comedians just go to whatever gigs on and people have to hang out with them.
It's just a guaranteed group hang. No, no invite necessary.
Man, Melbourne Comedy Festival sounds grim.
Yeah, it's all it's pretty fun. Like there are some fun parts of it or whatever.
But it's, yeah, I don't know, it's all I this, I don't know, even if I want to be a comedian anymore. I think I'm going to become very serious or serious actor. Yeah, no, just serious, serious. That's enough to want to ask, why do comedians just think that they can transition seamlessly into serious drama roles? Like everyone else in the world's going to NIDA or going through theatre and actors are like, well, I went from stand up to a bit part in a working dog comedy film, and now I'm going to play Winston Churchill. It's because the whole I mean, I don't know what that career trajectory is that you've, I guess Winston Churchill.
I guess a good example is like Eric Bana just didn't have to really didn't do much drama. True, but he was he was an actor. He was never a comedian. He was stand up. Was he? He went stand up to fast forward to the castle to chopper to Black Hawk Down, but he's done pretty well for himself. Yeah, he had it. He had the natural knack, but I feel like every every comedian feels like they have the natural knack to become like a super serious drama role.
Some do. Yeah, but it sounds good and serious. Is that is that on the back of everyone's minds? Actually, like this is also an avenue for me to get into like winning an Oscar. I don't know. I think some people get into it not really knowing like comedy is such a weird thing and people half wanting to do comedy and then half people just want to kind of be famous. So so people end up doing this weird shit and taking things on that I think they don't even really think about it. They're like, oh, this is a tension for me. Like this is me being looked at. Like I'll do it. But also, like it is just such a weird industry that it's like I just you don't really set out with any goal. I don't think I reckon you just kind of get in it and you're just taken along a bit.
Yeah. But also, I do think comedians can be good actors because like good comedians are like great at picking up on stuff or like Cameron James is a great actor. Yeah, you what? Yeah, he's a really good actor. Are you? I don't know.
No, I'm a shit actor. I can only play myself. Do you reckon you could be in like Lantana too? No, it's too embarrassing. Acting is humiliating.
You're like, there's all these people around you and you're pretending something's happening and it's not. It's actors are just the best people are the people who are best at not being embarrassed because everyone can act like everyone's lied before except Prince Andrew. How funny was that video of him like that was just because my theory is that rich people and people with influence and power don't really have to lie much in their life because everyone just makes stuff happen for them. You know, like they get up in the morning and like they don't have to like they can just talk how they want to to someone because they've got so much power and so like they never have to put on a false face or lie or somehow manipulate their way into situations. So that interview with Prince Andrew was actually like footage of a man lying for the first time, but just just making all the mistakes that we figured out were more five to not do.
What happened to the shortbread on the kitchen table? I have a rare medical condition that means I cannot eat shortbread because I was in the Falklands war. What? I don't, I don't, um, I don't sweat, you see. Yeah, don't sweat because I'm allergic to shortbread, you see, because I went to the Falklands war, I was shot at.
Just quickly, I want to give you the opportunity to talk shit about anyone else in your industry while you've got a platform that'll be listened to by probably no one else in your industry. There's so many shit cunts.
I couldn't even, it's hard. Like sometimes I used to have more enemies, more venom, more venom. Whereas I don't really care anymore.
Adam Hill's obviously public enemy number one. I'll have a think about it and you should name this episode the name of the person.
Yeah, there's heaps of people that suck, but that's like every workplace, right? Like you hate, you hate all the people you work with, right?
Yeah, absolutely. What about viral comedians? Do you still hate them? That was a big beef of yours. Kind of like that base level one.
I don't even care. I'm just like, they're just annoying because they're always wearing a leather jacket in their promo videos and they're always like, we're going to say shit that no one said before.
And it's like, dude, Tom Gleason says that like every night if he's at a comedy club, like you're not, he does it so it's funny and good. Like they just, they just, it's just funny that they think the reason that they're not getting gigs is cause they're too edgy. It's like, no, it's cause it's dog shit first idea joke. It's so it's, yeah, but I mean, but then with that attitude, they do seem to amass so many people. So it seems to be that it seems to be working for them. Well, it's because a lot of people, you know, don't see comedy that often. So when they think that the reason they don't see comedy is because all comedy is being censored. And then some guy, some guy who says racist stuff is like one of the few who can get through.
Yeah. I mean, they don't even say racist stuff. Like it's all just stuff that's, oh, I don't know. It's just really bad.
It's like, I love it when people say fuck stuff, but like in a good way. There's like the well known viral comedians like Frenchie. And then there's like full on based Facebook stunt guys. Like, uh, the ones who like throw bags of flour on each other in Woolies, like those guys. Yeah, they're not, they're not selling out the gala, but they're, uh, they've got a fan base. Yeah. Prank pranks are, are funny.
They are, no one can deny that. Okay. Everyone. Okay. To finish the episode, everyone say what their superpower is, what they would want it to be.
I would like to have control of, um, the media. You know, of, of like, um, like morally absolutes people's Twitters and fire off some really problematic tweets from like very, very, yeah, I mean plenty of them. There's, there's plenty of, I want to get on like a, a real, a woke person's Twitter and, and say something about, I just say something really red hot. Um, and let, and let them deal with the consequences. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Throw the phone away. And then like, I give them a good 12 hours without knowing and then they come back on and it's like, Oh wow, I'm, I'm being persecuted. Um, or even better, you send the tweet out and then they don't even know whatever has gone out and the replies have ever come in. So they go about their business, not knowing that there's a huge part of the society that thinks they're racist or whatever.
That is a good superpower. Yeah. Errol? I would be as good at golf as Tiger Woods. Yeah, right. Yeah.
You just said I want to be, I want to be worth a billion dollars. Yeah, but I could. Yeah, but there's no point in being worth a billion dollars. If you do it in a boring way, like some computer nerd, I would rather do it on the course. Other than that, I don't really want for much in this world.
I have it pretty good. Yeah. Even in quarantine. Uh, your superpower is that you're a straight white male. Okay. That was, that was fucking Batman superpower. Yeah. It was rich and white. No one ever suspected, no one ever suspected he was going around and bashing mentally ill people at night. Yeah. I know like how many black dudes got accused of the crimes that Batman committed. That's, that's the movie I want to see. Batman was so proper. If you look at like the people that he spent so long trying to kill, they were all just like people with mental health problems. Yeah. Giuliani's New York. Yeah. Whoa. All right.
What's yours about as we wrap? Well, I have to, yesterday I said it would be the power to be, to know every culture and every culture accepts me as their own. Like I'm like, I'm like a wild card. I'm like when I'm hanging out with like Lebanese people, I know everything and like I fit in perfectly. And then the same, like Chinese people, everything. Like I've, I've completely sorted it and they see me as their own.
Well, you, you really, you realistic, you couldn't do that. I mean, apart from the Lebanese thing, you could pull off Russian, Chinese, Aboriginal and Bogan, Bogan, Queenslander, which Bogan, Queensland is obviously your most presenting, but, um, Oh, I've got to stop talking like this. But then I also thought, I thought last night, cause I will talk about it again. And then, and then I thought of another one that would be good at being able to pause.
Oh yeah. Like, you know, just all the fights. Oh yeah. Click. Yeah.
That click, but just, you know, so many times you're on the verge of a fight with your partner or whatever. And it's like, just all it takes is one look and it fires up. Like you just wish you could pause and then be like, don't roll your eyes. Just don't do it. The biggest fear about a click scenario is, um, people getting groped while they're paused.
And I don't know what, what law that falls into. Oh yeah.
I wouldn't do that. It'd be mostly saving my own skin. You'd just be evading. You'd just be walking out of rooms.
Every time we would be having a riff, I'd pause after you talk. And then I'd think of a perfect thing to say. And you'd get it in quick. Yeah. And people would be like, she's so sharp.
Well, they got that Adam Hill's wit. Wally Lewis used to reckon that was like, it was like that for him when he'd get the ball. He'd be everything, everything would just go.
Yeah. All right. Well, good to talk to you guys. Nice to talk to you too, Becky. What's your hands? Um, yeah. Wash your hands. I like my tweets. You finished your post Stradbroke ISO. Yeah. Back in Sydney. Yeah. Good stuff. It's all right. It's nice to be home. Yeah. Okay.
Well, don't, don't, don't hit that pause button too much. I hope you're all being nice to each other. Yeah, no, we are. We are getting along. All right. No, no, love. All right. See you guys. See you Becky. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_marla_maples_saturday_night_live | This week, a Reform party presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been involved in a nasty battle with ex-wife No. 2, Marla Maples, who threatened to quote, expose Trump for what he really is. Here with a further comment is Marla Maples. Thank you, Colin. you know, I was serious when I said Donald Trump will be exposed for what he really is, an arrogant model chasing playboy creep.
But that's what everybody already knows about him. Oh. But you have to realize, Colin, that he wasn't always like that. I mean, if you could have just seen him with our daughter, Tiffany, we named her after the jewelry store. very classy.
I know. we had so much fun together. But those happy days are gone now.
And it was all my fault. Anyway, Colin. I just shouldn't have turned 26. So stupid.
Wait, Marla. Marla, I mean, I still think you're beautiful. you do? yeah.
I mean, maybe we can go out. uh, I don't know. I mean, what do you grab here? maybe a hundred granny year tops?
I mean, I'm sure in Brooklyn, you know, that, you know, you've made it. But I mean, come on. this is Park Avenue, cooch over here, my friend. yeah. this is a whole different Georgia Peach we're talking about. you know what I mean, Skippy? I mean, this is Ron Perlman type stuff, isn't it? Now, see, you strike me as the kind of guy that one big screw up. Next thing, we're living over a candy store on Flat Bish Avenue. isn't that right? Okay, I was just, you know. ooh. now, where'd you get this suit? Oh, well, it belongs to the show, but they said they'd give it to me when the season ends. but they said they'd give it to me when the season ends! Listen, why don't you call me Ace when you have a closet full of those bad boys in New York, Zurich, and the Caymans. Kabish! Mall and maples, everybody. I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. |
dropout | these_penguins_hump_corpses | Which is when I bred cows that only make curdled milk. I don't know if I can take many more detentions.
It's torture! Did you say torture? No, no, no. No one said torture. God, why is everything you do so fucked? You don't like my lesson?
No, absolutely not. No, I just said that. I just said it.
How could we? What would you rather learn about? I don't know.
Nice things. Like people helping each other. Or video games. Or meatball sandwiches.
Or videos of cute animals. Oh, you want to learn about cute little animals?
Um, yes. Why didn't you say so? Whoa! For real? What is this? Exactly what I said.
This way to the cutest animals in the world. Wow, going up. Finally. But I think you'll find even the cutest animals are horrifying, disgusting, and violent. Oh, crap. We're going to learn something bad about Santa, aren't we? Aw, look! Penguins! Oh, my God, look. They're playing in the snow. They're so cute. Oh, that one's dancing.
No, I can't. I can't. Why? I can't. Oh, I can't. I can't.
No, you can't. You can't. No, you can't. Oh, don't. I can't. You don't. No, don't. You can't.
And that one, oh, dude, do that somewhere else. These are Adelie penguins. We like to think of them as innocent little butlers, but they're hornier than a pair of teens in a meatloaf song.
As much as I don't want to see this, it's not that weird. Masturbation is perfectly normal. What about rape, pedophilia, and necrophilia? I, God damn it, seriously? Yes.
In 1912, explorer George Murray Lebak observed a group of thirsty ass male penguins so horned up and looking for fucking that he labeled them pooligan cocks. They fucked everything that moved and a lot of stuff that didn't, including injured females. Baby penguins that had fallen out of nests.
Corpses, even the ground itself. Oh, come on, the ground? They literally fucked a hole in the earth.
To quote Lebak's journal, there seems to be no crime too low for these penguins. His findings were so shocking that the academic community refused to publish his work. Maybe he shouldn't have spent all his time focusing on a few hooligan cocks. Actually, turns out not to just be a few. Research now suggested this non-stop fuckery is pretty common among a deli.
What? No, why? Males interpret almost any behavior as an invitation for mating. We're still talking about penguins, right? Am I right? Yeah, dummy, what else would we be talking about?
In fact, it takes surprisingly little to get a male a deli in the mood. Researchers found that even a female's separate head, with stickers for eyes, stuck on top of a rock, was enough to attract a male penguin.
Huh?
Oh, come on. Dude, somebody stomp it. No, no, no, no, no, oh my God, no. Oh, buddy. Oh! This isn't what we wanted. You don't think penguins are cute? I did until this started. Well, let's try something else, then.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. If you like that episode of What the Fuck 101, I have good news. There's way more of it on Dropout. Dropout is the new premium, ad-free, and uncensored comedy platform from College Humor, which means we can finally show you hot babes like this. Oh, baby. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. Come on, get your fucking hands dirty.
No, I'm not going to kill a baby. Kill a baby over and right now. I'm not going to kill a baby, don't, man. I'll never kill a baby, don't, man.
Yeah, that's what I thought. |
dropout | Sam_Tortures_Brennan_With_a_Bird_Trivia_Contest_He_Cannot_Win | Players, I want you to listen carefully, because I'm going to tell you a personal story. When I was a kid, one day my father calls me out on the porch, and he says, son, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
And it's. Ah! Holy fuck.
I told you I'm hyper reflexes. That is, somewhat predictably, a point for Brennan, but not for Katie and Carolyn. Hang on my face, players. I forgot to tell you the matter in which you're being judged. See, those straps on your body aren't, in fact, range extenders. No shit. Whoa! Anything 20 BPMs above your standard heart rate will mean you don't win a point that round. I just want to say, you got to wake up pretty early in the fucking morning to go, oh, here's a range extender for your love, Brennan. Yeah, don't worry.
It's not attached in any way to the sound pack. We knew it was something. I didn't. I thought it was a range extender.
And here we have the full range of human experience. That brings us to the mini game. Woo! Yay.
This is a little mini game we like to call Name That Bird, simple rules. I'm going to show a bird. You tell me what that bird is.
Calm down. Brennan, calm down.
This is your cup of tea. Carolyn, we'll start with you. Your bird is. Pigeon. Very good, Carolyn. That is one point for you. Bringing Carolyn to 11. Katie, your bird is. Flamingo. That is correct.
Katie, bravo. That is an additional point for Katie. Bringing Katie to four.
Brennan, your bird is. Pheasant. Sorry, Brennan. Guinea fowl. Sorry. I was looking for Siamese fire back. Carolyn, your next bird. Peacock.
That is correct. Bringing Carolyn to 12. Taron into the lead.
Katie, your bird is. Oh no. Is that a chicken? That is a chicken.
I was looking for rosate spoonbill. Rosate spoonbill. Carolyn, did you know that was a rosate spoonbill? I knew it was a spoonbill.
No points for Brennan that particular round. This last round is worth a full five points. Five points on the line.
That's a chicken again. Rooster chicken. You know what? I'll take it. That is in fact a chicken. Take it. And a rooster is a type of chicken.
And so that works. Brennan. Calm down. Five points.
Your bird is. Pretty happy with yourself, huh? This is not a real bird.
This is the greater sage grouse. Greater sage grouse.
I remember that. We can go ahead and revert these points to how they were before the mini game.
This was a test to see if I could make Brennan face. Losing. A river of sweat is running down my back. Oh Brennan, you were so close to passing that challenge. But at 21 BPM, over resting, I'm afraid I have to give points to Carolyn and to Katie. Did it break on a certain bird or was it right away? |
SaturdayNightLive | acting_class_snl | And remember, you are not students in an acting class. you are a hoe and a pimp on Skid Row. Go. the hell is this, bitch? a whole night of hoeing, and all you bring me is $150? I told you. when a fuzzy's hoe's robbed me, Daddy. Stop the scene! Oh, I didn't believe a word of that. you two always come off as two white people from good homes.
Yeah. I felt that. yeah, thank you. thank you. But don't get discouraged. we all have challenges to overcome on the road to success. for Randall, it's his unappealing body. let's get done. Okay. for Laura, it's a lack of talent. Oh, I know. I'm working on it.
And, of course, for Natalie, it's that she looks strikingly like Rachel Mcadams. uh. yeah, um, I keep hearing that, which is kind of annoying, because I'm just not really a fan. Well, she's a famous actress, so it might be hard getting cast in things. yeah, well, um, I think there's room in Hollywood for Rachel Mcadams and Natalie Portman. Yes, I might also consider changing your name to something that doesn't sound like Natalie Portman.
Oh, he's here. I have a special surprise for all of you. since you all aspire to be working actors, give advice on a very successful working actor. Please say hello to Mr. Trevis Von Schon! hey, hey, hey. Thanks so much for having me. I'm very excited for you to hear firsthand how hard actors must work to achieve success. I'm sure you all have questions. ask away. uh, yes. um, so, yeah. you're awesome. Oh, thanks, man. that means the world. Thank you. thank you.
So, I'm, like, three years into the auditioning grind, and the needle has not moved for me at all. I'm curious, how long did it take for you to get your first, like, big break? Well, you know, I, uh. I flew to L.a. to give the, uh, the whole Hollywood thing a shot. and as I walked off the plane, Selena Gomez came up to me, uh, said I was gorgeous, and asked me to play her boyfriend in a music video, and then that led to the-the movies and everything. Okay, so the moment you stepped in L.a. you got your big break?
Cool. yeah, yeah, and it was all thanks to Selena Gomez. absolute sweetheart, by the way. Oh, yay! I'm so glad I love her.
Hi. um, so, I've been auditioning for, like, five years, and I've got nothing. my agent actually told me it's time to consider porn. So, how do you handle rejection? um, I feel so dumb right now. uh, I am not familiar with that word. uh, I'm not on social media. is that, is it, like, a slang? Oh, no, rejection's, like, I don't know, like, a part of the human condition? Yeah, it's, like, when someone doesn't want you for something.
Oh, no. no, that's so sad. um. yeah, really, I-i don't know anything about that. mm. hi, um, I'm such a huge fan of yours. are you kidding? I. no, I'm a fan of yours. Spotlight? that's amazing.
No, I'm not Rachel Mcadams. um, I'm Natalie Partman. So, anyway, to make money, I started in Onlyfans, and I was sued by Rachel Mcadams, who accused me of being a deepfake her. So, um, anyway, what advice do you have for someone who looks like a famous person? I mean, are you a better actress than Rachel Mcadams? I'll answer that. no. Okay, then I'd say, uh, give up and stop pursuing a film career.
Got it. So, I'll focus on Tv. Namaste. Um, okay, hi, Trevis.
I'm fanboying out right now. don't be weird! um, do you have any, like, audition hacks? You know, I'm-i'm sorry. I keep hearing this word, audition. sorry, what-what is that? it's where you try out for a part? Oh, my God. they make you do that? dude, I don't think that's allowed. I mean, you know, as far as I know, the way you get cast in a movie is the director asks you to be in it, you know? Oh, wow. that sounds so much easier than auditioning. you're such a great actor. do you have any training? Uh, no. no, I-i just did it, and, uh, you know, I was really good. awesome. awesome.
I'm depressed now. Thank you. Well, Trevis only promised us a few minutes, so he needs to go. Hey, look, thanks, everybody. you know, I, uh, I admire all of you. keep following your dreams, and I know you're all gonna beat your illness. wait. one more. Did he. did he think this was, like, a make-a-wish thing? How else would I have gotten him here? Okay.
Natalie? let's see your monologue. what's it from? The Notebook. |
SaturdayNightLive | can_i_talk_to_you_snl | Is this thing busted or something? it's taking forever. Girl, I know Biden better do something about these gas prices. I know, right? six dollars a gallon? what are they using? casamigos? excuse me. you know, I ain't trying to bother y'all, but y'all looking very beautiful tonight. Oh, boy. here we go.
I just want to know if I can get your number some. you know what I'm saying? no. damn. you know what I'm saying? no. can I at least, like, talk to you for a second? You know what I'm saying? you got a hole in your jacket. So what, though? What, you got a man or something like that? Yep. I'm married. So what, though? what that mean? I can't get to know you, ma? you got bags on your feet. So what, though? What, I mean, I can't talk to you? talk about what? do you work here or something?
No, I ain't got no job. But I'd get money, though. by collecting cans? don't worry about it all day.
I'm saying, girl, can I get your phone number or something? I think your car's on fire. what's that even mean? she means your car is literally on fire right now. So what, though? what you saying? baby, I can't know your name? is that your baby? it's what, my baby?
The baby in the stroller rolling into the street. Yeah, I guess that's my baby part.
Why y'all can't answer my questions, though? that's what I want to know. Oh, my God. what is your question? I'm saying, can I have your home address? no. ooh! what do we have here?
Oh, God. would this pump hurry up? Damn. do my eyes deceive me, Or am I looking at my future ex-baby mama? ex-baby mama? How would that happen? I'm saying, though. what's your name, baby girl? dude, are you peeing on yourself right now? Look, man, I'm just trying to get to know you, baby girl. this my homie. we're not trying to bother you. yeah, we just want to know your son. are you a Virgo or a Sagittary Cruz? What happened to your teeth? my what? are you wearing a hospital gown? I might be. you gonna nurse me? Ooh. oh, my god. why is this pump taking so long?
Girl, when you gonna let me take you out to Harry Potter World and drink some butter beer? Ew. do you know a bird should beep on your head? don't worry about all that, girl. Yo, he got jokes. I know, right? is that a tail? it might be. Look, ma, I'm trying to take you camping. Exactly. my man just trying to take you. Oh, my God! your friend just got hit by a car. don't worry about all that.
I can't get a hug, though.
Okay, girl, let's just get out of here. Ah. man, they was ugly. Anyway. let's get out of here, man. they was bust. |
dropout | streeter_theeter_the_phantom_meets_gale_beggy | Your pretty eyes must have fried the machine. That makes no sense.
It appears Sera has feelings for that intolerable Gaylord. She could do so much better. You should just tell her anything.
See you later. Definitely. How? It seems to be the problem by the way. Gail, thank you for coming. It just froze up on me. Gail, come on. Let's not leave. Oh my God. You fixed it. Look at that. I did magic on your little computer. My word. I didn't even know that word. Practitioner of the dark arts in my very office?
Fat. Very, very fat.
Okay, Lily. I'll talk to you now, Lily.
Now, I'll be playing with you, witch. I need a favor. I've never seen you before. Well, you're a witch, yes? A witch? I need a love potion. Something that will make Sera love me forever.
Oh well. Look, enough with your babble. I can pay you.
Lily, a hat. What? A hat.
Six baglets of gelled, already a fine offer, but I'll throw in one truffle cured Spanish ham, killed by my own knife. I don't have any idea what you are talking about. I need a love potion, you old toad. I mean, I suppose if you wanted to conceivably procreate. Now, you drive a hard bargain. Fine. If I must part with two hams, so be it. Two hams to you. I have absolutely zero disposition of what you're acquiring, and you have to be clear.
If you want to tell someone how you feel about them, then you have to simply tell them to their face, not behind their head or anything. We all wear masks. Well, I wear mine because my face is a charred, charred lump of skin, but I think I get what you're saying.
Well, let's give her a call and maybe see how she feels about it. Bring her in, then we'll do the hex.
Hey, lie. Maybe use the phone. This one. No, that's the light. The phone is to the left. This phone. Now... No, that is a speaker. Use the phone. There, yes, that device. What? Let...
No, look. Pick this part up. I'm not going to do this without it in my face. I'm sorry. Pick this part up, please. This part up. No, look.
All right. Step one goes like this. I don't know why you have to argue. Step... I'm not arguing. Step one here. And then this. We take it. No, not speaker. Because then... Start from the beginning.
I don't want to speak to you. I'm going to be you. Don't touch me, you could die. |
SaturdayNightLive | jimmy_carter_at_the_bar_saturday_night_live | My wife doesn't understand me. yeah. my husband doesn't understand me. Yeah. say, fella, let's hear your problem. my country doesn't understand me. Gosh, I lost my job, I lost my beautiful white house, my airplane, and worst of all, they chopped down my daughter's tree house. hey, gang. hey, Mike. how's it hanging, Eddie? it's all right. what you drinking, my man? hey. what do you have? The usual? got the usual. got a mic. slick mic. it's all over. it's a sad deal. What's a guy like that doing a place like this? I don't know. I know you don't know nothing about Washington, though. hey, listen up here, pal. you think you got it bad, huh?
I just got laid off after 15 years of loyal service at the auto plant. me and 20,000 other loyal guys were families. But I said to myself, Mike, I said, cheer up. things could be worse, you know? Sure enough, when I woke up the next morning, things were worse. Killer reason: I'm 15 years from retirement, see? Well, the guy that replaced me retired 15 years ago. you got to look at the bright side of things there, boy. you still got your help, right? uh-uh. when I told my daughter we had to leave Washington, she bit me on the leg. foes me. everybody hates me. Yeah, come on. not everybody. All right. only 63 million people. hey, you gonna get unemployment, aren't you? well, yeah, that's the first thing my brother suggested when I lost my job. yeah, your brother sounds like a pretty smart fella there. all you got to do on unemployment is sit on your duffer daydream. I'm doing for the last four years.
So, uh, what's your name? uh, Jimmy. what kind of a name is that for a grown man? I'm telling you, from now on, your name is Jim. Okay? hold on. what do you say, Jim? you and me, we, uh, we split this popcorn stand, we go around the corner to the Pussycat Lounge, where, like, uh, I'm telling you, they got dances there with nothing on except you, me, and my imagination.
Now, that might sound like fun. well, no, maybe I better not. of course, on the other hand, it does sound like we might have a good time. I just don't think we should do it, though. I really don't think so. First thing you got to do there, Jimmy, is you got to learn to make up your mind. Well, I never thought of that. |
TheOnion | Diane_Sawyer_Introduces_New_Foul_Mouthed_Cigar_Chomping_Character_To_ABC_World_News | Wayne LaPierre goes on a harpooning spree to prove some sort of point. A depressed nation didn't think it would take this long to get over the death of Jack Klugman, and four homeless people are dead in what an area girlfriend refers to as cuddle weather. Welcome back buddy, it's okay we're all here for you, you're safe now. This is the Onion Week in Review.
The NYPD is on high alert this week after officers found a super sharp wood handled buck knife with a blade that locks into place, calling it quote badass and pretty much the pointiest knife ever. Lieutenant Joseph Mattioli spoke to reporters Tuesday about the deadly pocket blade, which he claimed is probably capable of cutting clean through a piece of paper or maybe even an apple. At this time we'd like everyone to be aware that there is probably a man out there with an eye patch and scars all over his face that has access to knives just like this and maybe even has a big samurai sword. There seems to be a little blood on the tip. If you ask me that's a little freaky. As of Wednesday the police had circulated this sketch of the knife's owner.
Representatives for the Osama Bin Laden Foundation announced this week the winners of the 2013 Mohammed Atta Fellowship awarded to the 20 most exceptionally talented young terrorists from across the world. The highly selective program reportedly received submissions from over 900 qualified up and coming extremists who sent in lengthy essays and demonstrated their car bombing, kidnapping and guerilla fighting skills. When the Attar outreach representative called me, I was just so shocked. I'm still pinching myself. I mean having the chance to learn from the same guys who did the 1998 U.S. embassy bombing in Nairobi and studying insurgency tactics with somebody like Ayman al-Hawaziri. It's just an incredible opportunity.
Indiana University freshman Lawrence Plotnick told reporters this week that his roommate Brian Tabor has had an excuse to go home every weekend since August. According to Plotnick, Tabor often cites a wide variety of far ranging excuses to go back to his hometown of Terre Haute, Indiana, including family functions, visiting friends from China and the desire to quote just hang out in Terre Haute for a few days. I mean I suppose I vaguely understood when he had to go back in November because his best friend's grandfather died, but last weekend he had to go back for his aunt and uncle's wedding anniversary. He said he couldn't miss it. He hasn't told me anything about this weekend, but ah, it's Brian. He says his little brother just broke up with his girlfriend. He's headed to the bus station now.
And this week, Diane Sawyer introduced her new foul mouthed cigar chomping character to ABC World News. In other news, a report finds that most small businesses fail in the first six hours of being on fire. A really hip 90-year-old figures he has every right to torrent Glenn Miller's in the mood, and a man who got his shit together five years ago is still viewed as a loveable fuckup by friends and family. The Onion Review would like to congratulate former intern Farhad Shaheen for being named runner-up for the Osama bin Laden Foundation Fellowship. You'll get him next year, kid. For more, visit TheOnion.com. |
cracked | why_action_movies_are_musicals_for_dudes_today_s_topic | Soren, you should be a dear and call the testicle ambulance because your list of recently viewed Netflix movies has made my balls literally detached from my body and then quite literally rolled down my pant leg onto the floor. Hairspray? Grease? Westside Story?
That is not what literally means. You know what hurts the most? This is how you choose to come out to me. Okay, why don't we look at your Netflix account?
Go ahead. Password is fist-splosion. All caps. Oh, okay, great.
The John C. Van D classic Bloodsport. Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon, Jackie Chan's Supercop, and Street Fighter. THE Street Fighter, not the video game adaptation with Raul Julia. I'm talking the 1974 classic in which Sonny Chiba rips a guy's dick off with his bare hands. Well, he's wearing gloves, but can you blame him?
Well, you know what I learned today? I learned that you and I have the exact same taste in movies. No, because your movies taste of elaborate flamboyant dance routines, and mine taste of strong, sweaty manhood. Yeah, I heard it. I know what I said. I'm proud.
Do you know who that is? But I look forward to meeting him, and I sincerely hope that very soon our state will be one of those in which you two can legally wed. That is a young Bruce Lee after winning the 1958 Hong Kong Cha Cha Tournament.
And no, it's not a joke. Google it.
Okay, well you and I both know that the second after they took that photo, he karate-murdered everyone in there. Even if that were true, he would just be substituting one type of dance for another. All of those Hong Kong kung fu stars that you love, you know where they came from? Some mystical training facility called the P. King Opera School, where kids are taught to dance, and sing, and wear costumes every single moment of the day. Jackie Chan was a graduate, as is the unfortunately named Samu Hung. Hey, that is an awesome name! Jean-Claude Van Damme, on the other hand, only trained in ballet for a measly five years. And other things.
It's all dancing. The classes that teach you the deadly art of the iron fist are right next door to the classes that teach jazz and tap. Those movies that you love are really just dance movies repurposed by Hollywood for dudes. The setups are exactly the same. They start in their beautiful costumes, in a lavish setting, and as soon as the music kicks in, they all start moving hypnotically. Those movies employ dance choreographers!
How else do you think that they got Keanu Reeves to look like he could fight? Training for a kung fu movie looks an awful lot like a Black Swan rehearsal.
It's just floor-length wall mirrors and leg warmers.
If Bruce Lee, or Jet Lee, or Channing Lee, or Tank Lee were here, you wouldn't dare say that to their faces. Well, Bruce Lee would be 73, and two of those are fake, so... Yet still capable of beating you into a wet paste! I don't care if part of Bruce Lee's early training was the cha-cha, it's a matter of public record that that man once spin-kicked a dude into a volcano!
That's exactly my point!
None of these guys' manhoods should feel threatened by dancing because dancing wasn't considered unmanly back then. Movies like West Side Story and Singing in the Rain dominated the box offices. You really think that was just women that went to see those? No, those theaters were full of men with strong jaws and fedoras and a little bit of shrapnel in their back from D-Day, and they sat there, and they watched Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire dance their hearts out! But sometime in the 70s, men got so insecure about their manliness that they thought it wasn't okay anymore to pay to watch men frolic!
So what happens? Hollywood starts importing all of these kung fu movies so that guys like you could still get your rhythmically choreographed fix without thinking that it's gonna mount and do your testosterone or something. So, yes, you and I both like watching men dance. Let's dance. You know what you're asking for? Oh, I know. Bring it on.
Ooh! Ooh, it's impossible!
Roll sound. Action! Hey there. What's that? Oh, this. Just an old relic from my childhood. You know, the old days. Hey, listen. If you subscribe, you and I can have a catch together. Go deep. You know what? Let's just do a handoff. Good times. |
dropout | warhammer_the_weasleys | From barbarians to Targaryens, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining me today, we have Nick Marini, we have Emily Heller, and Edgar Mampazir. All three of you are new to the show, brand new faces, so this will be fun.
To briefly explain the game, I have here a stack of statements. These are false statements about the things that are nearest and dearest to your hearts, or if not to your hearts, to someone. Some rabid fan base is out there, and they care deeply about all the smallest details about these things. So it's up to you to find the wrong thing that I've said in the sentence, buzz in and correct me. Beyond that, there's only two rules. One is that you must precede all your corrections with the phrase, um, actually. If you don't, I won't give you the point, and you can interrupt me at any time. And it doesn't matter what I'm trying to say, what's important is that I am wrong, and you are right. This is the opposite of polite conversation.
Exactly. It is replicating the absolute worst of this kind of behavior, of just like, I know, it doesn't matter, nothing matters, I just need to prove. It's what stops certain people from being nerds in the first place. This is like the reverse of every OK Cupid date I ever went on. I just get to be that person now. Yes, exactly. Yeah.
Alright, the first question is about Warhammer. While many Warhammer armies are inspired by the writings of J.R.R. Tolkien, the Skaven, horrifying rat men, are not. The Skaven use overwhelming numbers to defeat their foes, and are one of the most inexpensive armies, making them an attractive option for beginners. Um, actually because you need so many models, they're very expensive to collect. That's true, it's like phenomenally expensive to build up a full Skaven army. They are awesome, but way too many models to paint and build. Growing up, every time I had $80, I was like, buy more Warhammer.
Just get sneakers, right? Yeah. Just get sneakers. Well, you had your sneakers, I had my empire army. I still have my sneakers. I do not have my empire army anymore.
We're moving on. This next question is about Rick and Morty. In The Ricks Must Be Crazy, we are introduced to the character Zeep Zanflorp, a scientist who inhabits a microburst created by Rick to provide unlimited energy to the planet Earth through the use of gooble boxes. Edgar. Um, actually I think that he's providing energy to his own planet, not necessarily the planet Earth. You're on the right track. Emily. Um, actually he's just providing power for Rick and not the rest of the planet Earth.
That is even more specific, so I'm inclined to give you the point unless someone can be even more specific than that. I just watched it. Yeah, see my roommate would know this in an instant. I'm going to give it to Emily. You can give it to Nick's roommate if you want. Yeah, Skyler, call in right now. You won't see this for another year, but if you can call in. Yeah, we'll say point for Emily for that, because more specific about Rick's selfishness, the microburst exists just to power Rick's space cruiser, not the planet Earth. That would be too altruistic as a whole.
This is about the never-ending story. A trio of the grassy plains discovers and rides the luck dragon Falkor after his horse Artax is devoured by Gamorg, the wolf-like servant of nothing. That was beautiful. You both were crazed at the same time, but Nick got in there first.
Um, actually he drowns in a swamp. That is correct. He isn't killed by Gamorgi. He drowns in the swamp of sadness. No movie's terrified me as a child. Couldn't he have drowned in the swamp of happiness at least? Well, then it would have become the swamp of sadness.
This is about Dungeons and Dragons, D&D. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm holding on to mine after Pride. Dungeons and Dragons is full of legendary wizards, most well-known through the continued use of the spells they crafted. We know Mordenkainen through his magnificent mansion, Tasha through her hideous laughter, and Tensor through his grasping hand.
Um, it's Bigby's grasping hand? You did not say um, actually. Emily! Um, actually it's Bigby's grasping hand? It's Bigby's grasping hand.
I got it, basically. Oh, so close. It's Tensor's floating disc. It is Tensor's floating disc, and Bigby is known for all kinds of hand spells, Bigby's grasping hand, Bigby's interposing hand, Bigby's forceful hand, uh, Emily's swooping in. Hell yeah. Look, that's the game, you know.
Yeah, I didn't say actually. I said um.
It's not enough. Well, make that mistake again. It's not enough.
Um, this brings us to our first shiny question. Now, shiny questions are just like shiny Pokemon, in that they are basically exactly the same, but just a little bit different and a little bit rarer. This is a game we call Order Up.
Everyone's favorite and least magically racist wizarding family, the Weasleys, figure in every Harry Potter book and movie in a major way. Please rank these Weasleys from oldest to youngest.
So, begin. Edgar's buzzing in. This is incorrect. I know it was incorrect. I have to take the shot. I hear you, you know.
I can feel my girlfriend disappointed at home. Is your girlfriend a big Harry Potter fan? She's a big Harry Potter, the magicians, all that stuff.
She's like, let's watch it. I'm like, nah. Why would I ever have to watch it?
And now I know. This is why, yeah. You could have gotten a point, a valuable point. Yes, Emily. This might be wrong, but I think I got more right than he did. This is incorrect, but it's not wildly incorrect. Okay, wait. I think I know how to fix it. So mine was wildly is what you're saying? Yours is pretty wildly incorrect, but look, I'm not trying to point. Banger's here. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad.
I mean, you know, we might as well check it out. Check it out. Let's see what we got. This is pretty close to what Emily just had, I think. No, his is way wronger at this part. Which part was that? Towards the end. Let's see what we got here.
This is incorrect. Emily. This is correct. Yeah! Wow. This is correct. There we go. All right.
Arthur Molly are the parents. Bill, Charlie, Percy. That is the order for the older siblings, Fred and George the twins. Fred is slightly older than Ron and Ginny.
And Rose. Rose is Ron and Hermione's kid.
That's correct. And that's it for this episode of Um, Actually. Um, Actually, it's not.
There's way more of this episode over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
I'll be right here. I'll be over there. I mean, I'll be in both places at once because this is just...
There's more... Technology! We're going to play a number of spells. I want you to identify who cast them and what the spell does. Whoever can identify the most will get the point for this shiny question. |
CrackerMilk | when_girls_say_they_re_fine | Hey, babe! Did you like all of my best friend's bikini pics on Instagram? Yeah. Okay. Why? When things come up that look good, I like them. So, you're okay with that, right? I'm fine. You alright, babe? I'm fine.
Hey, why don't you and me go on a romantic dinner date tonight? I love you so nice. Oh, Miguel's, the Italian place. My favourite. Yeah, I can't. Jenny from work's taking me there tonight for work drinks. That's fine. I'd love that you're going out to my favourite restaurant with your work wife. I'd love that you have a work wife. I just need to look at something over here.
Are you okay, babe? I'm fine.
I'll just stay in and make myself a yummy dinner. Because I know you did the groceries yesterday. Thank you. I forgot to do the groceries yesterday. I spent four hours playing Nintendo Switch and it made me really hungry. So I ate all the food that we had left and then I, how do you say, forgot. So maybe just order Domino's or some shit tonight while I'm out with Jenny. Jenny, my work wife or some shit. Okay.
What's wrong with her? She forgot to buy groceries. There's no food in the house.
What? Are you okay? No, I'm fine.
If you join our Patreon, you can buy my phlegm for $5. It's good stuff. These are my favourite chips and they're not even that spicy.
Eat the whole thing, go bite part of it. Lick it. Chew it.
That side is getting really hot. It's good when it hurts a bit. It's leaking out of his mouth. He's going to pass out.
It's fine. It's honestly fine. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_nuclear_scientists_achieve_ignition_trump_vs_desantis_gop_civil_war_snl | U.s. scientists announced they have reached Ignition, which is a nuclear fusion reaction producing more energy than it took to create.
And they're hoping this discovery may eventually lead to the Remix to Ignition.
A new study found that using screens to stop a child's tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions. the study is titled Elon Musk.
Republican insiders are concerned that the rivalry between Donald Trump and Ron Desantis could lead to a civil war within the party, which is perfect because they already have the flags. a man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air balloon 20 miles above the earth has died at the age of 94 when he finally hit the ground. researchers say that for more than a decade, they tracked a humpback whale as it swam over 3,000 miles from Canada to Hawaii with a broken spine. they even got a recording of its whale song.
I'm hoping this discovery may eventually lead to the Remix to Ignition. a new study found that using screens to stop a child's tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions. the study is titled Elon Musk.
Republican insiders are concerned that the rivalry between Donald Trump and Ron Desantis could lead to a civil war within the party, which is perfect because they already have the flags. a man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air balloon 20 miles above the earth has died at the age of 94 when he finally hit the ground. researchers say that for more than a decade, they tracked a humpback whale as it swam over 3,000 miles from Canada to Hawaii with a broken spine. they even got a recording of its whale song. |
cracked | every_video_game_escort_mission_ever_8_bits | Please! Please, I'm not one of them! Are you a bitch? Yes, but I have time. And besides, it's not me I'm worried about. Oh, wait. I'm a United States Secret Service agent. Wait, no. And I need you to escort... Oh, that works. Please don't say...
The president's daughter.
Yeah, god damn it. I was killing everything. I was shooting all the zombies.
Angela! Come on out here. This nice man is going to protect you from now on. What is the president's daughter doing here, not the president? You know what?
He might want to go in after her. She went in there after the smell of peanut butter, so there's a pretty good chance her hand's caught in a jar.
Angela! Angie! Come on!
Death in one ear. Other ears, kind of.
Hey, baby. Come here.
Yeah, I'm not down for this. I can say that, right? Like, constitutionally, I can say no. There is a trench of zombies between here and the helipad. And I will be damned if she tries to make it on her own.
It's the president's daughter, for god's sake. Oh, I wet myself.
She's scared of weapons. Just leave your weapons.
Seriously? Yeah. Fine. But I'm keeping the pistol. That time's poop. Oh, god, shut up. Let's just do this. Just give me a second to banish my wounds. By the dialogue, I use them. Get behind me! What the hell?
Bye, dead guy. I love you. Screw it. Bye, dead guy. I love you.
All right, listen up, you little fucking pieces of shit. Oh, it's me, sweet little Katie Stowell.
Fuck you. Fuck you very much.
You know what you can do for me? You can fucking subscribe. Thanks. |
Wizards_with_Guns | it_s_a_monday_in_1985_and_shannon_just_walked_in_ | Wizcorp presents a guide to common workplace interactions So boss, last day. Yeah I'm gonna miss this place. Any special plans today? No, just got to train the new guy then I'm out of here Well, have you met him yet? No, I have in action.
Mondays, am I right? Yeah Anyways, so my pension, right Yeah Mondays suck. Yeah, totally Mondays are almost as bad as Fridays.
What? No, really?
Fridays are fine. Yeah, we like Fridays. I love Fridays Without Fridays, I'd kill myself.
Uh, what? Boy, I don't know about you guys But I have a case of the Mondays. Me too. This terminal doctor said it's the worst case he's ever seen Had to cut my dick off. Don't worry, it's not contagious You're Shannon, right? You tell me. Can I talk to you for a second, Shannon? So it's your first day, right? Yeah, the very first. Look, I don't know what's going on here, but I'm gonna need you to pee in a cup. What? I need a cup. Well, is that gonna be an issue?
Oh, I've been peeing in the toilet No, it's a drug test. Drug test? Well, how many drugs do you want me to test?
Haha. Yeah, very funny. Funny?
Hey, hey, hey, stop! Wow, are you, are you gonna get that? Yeah? Hello? Who is this? You have to hit the button. I know Yeah, sure Mm-hmm North. Who are you talking to? Give me that! Hello?
I'm sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm at work Mondays, am I right? Look man, it's my last day and I don't want to deal with this. It's my first day.
You already said that Who hired you? Who hired you? Who gave you this job? Terry? No, I'm Terry. Who hired you?
You You could just make up a name. It's a big company Say any name. You could say literally any name. Terry.
Were you born yesterday, man? What's wrong with you? Happy birthday! It's your birthday, Shannon?
Yeah, oh well Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said you were born yesterday. That was, that was mean.
No? You're right Wait, what do you mean? Wait Hold on! To what? When you said it was your first day! It is? No, no, no, but what you meant was... It's my first day No, don't.
It's his last day Bye Terry Huh looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays Wiz Corp presents the do's and don'ts of liking and subscribing Do like and subscribe don't Consume fiberglass. Doctor said it was the worst case I've ever seen Had to cut my dick off It's terminal. Had to cut my dick off You smiled |
dropout | No_I_Don_t_Deserve_Nice_Things | Oh, I forgot to ask, did you see that new rom-com on Netflix? I heard they made it for $8. Making it their most expensive movie yet.
Hello? Rekha, are you even listening to me?
I'm done. I am finally finished with my novel. Oh, that's amazing. You must feel great. I mean, after so many sleepless nights and so much hard work, I am finally done.
And I think I deserve a little reward. Yes, I have some top-shelf whiskey right here. Mmm, cereal. Mommy's little secret. Cereal? That's your reward?
I think it's too much. I mean, I was hungry, but maybe this is too much.
Ugh, I don't deserve cereal. No, Rekha, get yourself something that's actually nice. You just accomplished a major task. It's okay to get yourself something that's a little out of the ordinary or not practical. You're right. I'm gonna put milk in this. Rekha, come on. Okay. I just feel like it's excessive and extravagant to get myself something, unless it's practical. No, get yourself something fun. Let me see your blam was on wish list. Okay, a cutlery set. I don't deserve that. Okay, an ironing board. Maybe when I write two novels, but not before. Okay, here you go.
Perfume. Get yourself some perfume.
Yeah, I mean, I guess I could. Yeah, that's the spirit. Just buy it.
I already have soap at home and perfume is just like gassy soap, so I don't know, this is stupid. I'm gonna take this out of my cart. Stupid. It's okay. What am I, the mayor? I don't deserve perfume. It's okay. Don't buy yourself something nice.
Maybe take yourself out to a nice dinner tonight, huh? You gotta eat. But I already made all my food for the month last night. It's vegetables. Let's get drinks tonight. Okay, it's on me. I guess I could get a Bloody Mary, which is like eating vegetables, and that would mean I could save my dinner vegetables for breakfast tomorrow.
Rekha, don't you ever want to sit back and enjoy something that has no practical value at all? That's crazy. Like a spa day, or a vacation, or some beautiful framed art. Okay, that's insane.
You are of more value than just your productivity and practicality. Your happiness is important, too.
You're right, Tao. I'm gonna get something actually nice for myself. I am going to get something that brings me joy. Yes, there we go. Wait a minute, framed art costs like $200. Really? I will take those tickets to France. I deserve it, after all.
I am the mayor! Goodbye! Yes, being mayor is so...
Blech! This tastes like gassy soap!
You can chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and get exclusive content like the vodcast, Erotic Book Club. There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh I got you a gift, oh let me tuck you into bed, and I'm like, oh God, yes! So sign up for your free trial today, and it was so great meeting you. If you want to like share some of those candy bars or rewind some time, you know, I am available, you know.
You get like $125, I can get $125. I know, it's just an idea. |
SaturdayNightLive | ordering_sushi_like_a_ceo_saturday_night_live | Hi, I'm a Ceo type at a large business firm, so you can imagine I eat a lot of sushi like boatboats. like Buku Sushi. When you sit down with clients at a Japanese restaurant, they don't often know what to order except common things like edamame and california rolls. Snoozeville. That's why I paid someone to write this book. How To Order Sushi Like a Ceo With my book, you'll learn how to wow them, leaving no doubt in their minds that you know sushi like Kristy Yamaguchi. Watch and learn. Are you ready to order Arigato? I think I'll start with some Toro that's fatty tuna. Whatever I get, I'm gonna be using a lot of namita or as uninformed call it wasabi.
So would you like another minute to decide? What about your uni? Is the uni good tonight? So you would like sea urchin. Impressive. She knows what uni is. You know what?
I'll have some uni sashimi, a couple of murugai, and maybe some ama abi. So you want sea urchin, giant crumb, and sweet shrimp sashimi? Yes, sashimi Arigato. There's nothing I love more except mid-morning fellatio then sitting with clients or associates talking about figures in eating fresh, authentic sushi. Ah, look at that giant raw clam. I'm just gonna kiss this baby with a little shoyu sauce. or as losers call it, soy sauce. Terrific. Real Japanese people eat the real deal. For instance, like this sweet shrimp, it's raw and it's still got its head.
That is some phenomenal Ama abi. I'm all about the Ama abi and I always like to top it off with some uni. Yep, I'm an Uni ollick. I need to go to ooey meetings.
Oh, yeah, this stuff is crazy good. Phenomenal.
So next time you go to a sushi bar for a business dinner with associates. don't act like a zero, Get my book and order like a Ceo Kanbanwa Anything else, Mr. Douche? apparently that's my last name in Japanese. Nope, Just the Okanjo. That means check. |
SaturdayNightLive | cast_away_snl | I still don't understand why you had to invite your ex-fiancee over for dinner. it's kind of sus. Honey, I thought Laird was dead because his plane exploded over the ocean. And then two days ago, a cruise ship found him floating on a piece of a porta potty. what do you want me to do? Ok, that's him. try and be nice, Ok? He was stranded on that island for five years. he's probably all messed up and frail. Laird.
Elaine. you look different. the island changed me. I can see that. didn't change everything. I can feel that. Uh, and I'm Dennis, by the way. I'm Elaine's husband now. sorry if that's weird or annoying for you. Not at all. I'm glad Elaine found someone in my absence. she deserves to be happy. Totally. I'm always saying stuff like that. she deserves to be happy.
Well, don't just stand in the doorway, Laird. come. sit down. Well, I must say you have a very lovely house, Elaine.
And Dennis. it's both of ours. we live here together and make love often and in all the positions. Dennis, you're being so weird. And that's not even true. we make love in one position. side to side, both laying down. that way, everyone can relax. God, we're being so rude.
Laird, please have some wine. tonight is a celebration. It's been a long time since I've had wine. to old, rekindling flames. to old, rekindling flames. But and to loyalty.
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot how to drink out of a cup.
I must take my shirt off. No, we actually have a shirt on in the house room. No, no, we don't. Ok, cool. then I'll take off mine also. Ew. don't say ew. Laird, let me take your shirt off. throw it in the wash.
So how'd you pass the time on that island? probably yanked it a lot. not once. you boys getting along? Yeah, Laird actually just told me he needs to leave. what? but he just got here. It's Ok, Elaine. sometimes I lose track of time. I suppose it's ironic that my whole life has been dictated by the clock. But on that island, the only thing that mattered was survival, the size of the fire that I could build with my own hands. the primitive skills I could summon to hunt. I know you were on an island, Laird, but I was on an island, too. in what way? you're not alone anymore. Ok, I think you should get out of here before I kick your ass. Dennis, what is wrong with you? Laird is our guest.
Fine. then a push-up contest. What? winner gets Elaine. Dennis, that's insane. winners should get me and the house. I accept those terms. Then, gentlemen, get in the position. Oh, my God. on my mark, Go!
Guess I lost, huh? It's kind of funny. now that I've been beaten and humiliated, I feel totally alone and isolated. Guess in a way, I now also know what it's like to be on an island. Ha, Elaine. it's pretty sus. |
dropout | how_to_hide_you_re_out_of_shape | Katie! No, please! Yeah!
Guys, time out. Time out.
Katie, are you okay? Yeah, what?
I love exercise. Do you guys need a break? I'm feeling good, but maybe you need a break?
No, I'm good. What about you? I'm good. You're good? Yeah, I'm fine. You're good, too. I'm fine.
Great. Yeah, same here. I'm just as fit as all of you. You're panting a lot, and we just started playing like three minutes ago. I'm fine. Great. Yeah, same here. I'm just as fit as all of you. You're panting a lot, and we just started playing like three minutes ago.
And when Mike tossed you the ball, you screamed no, please. Did I? No.
No, I'm fine. Let's get back into this. Katie! Shoot, Jesus! Time out. Katie, are you okay? Yeah, I just needed to tie my shoe. Listen, Katie, if you need to take a little break, that's totally fine with us.
Yeah. What? I'm so into this. Watch. Okay, what? What are we watching? What is this? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Are you singing? Y'all ready for this?
You can just stop for a little while. Man, I'm already feeling this leg workout. I just need to work this out really quickly. I'm getting sweat all over the ball. Yeah, wow. It's wrong. It's definitely doing it. Okay, I'm good to go. Cynthia. Give it to me. Oh, I messed up.
Where's Katie? Yeah, where is Katie? Katie.
Sorry. I just remembered it's my mom's birthday, and I had to give her a call because she goes to bed early. Okay, Katie, this is ridiculous, all right?
If you want to take a break, we'll take a break. And if you want to keep going, we're just going to keep going. There's no more stopping, okay? I don't need a break, so that's what I want to do as well.
How are you this sweaty? I'm fine playing more, but maybe they need the court. No. Hey, are you trying to get in the court? Do you have this reserved? We can leave. Hey, come on. Katie, I reserved the court this morning. Don't act like you weren't CC'd on the email. I'm just faking you all out.
Hey, you know, we never get pictures anymore. We should take more pictures.
Let me just set up my other timer. You're not fooling anyone. You're clearly trying to take a break. Please, just take a break.
No, I'm good to go. Toss me the rock. I don't know, Katie. Toss me the fucking rock. Great, here. Okay, I did not say whip me the rock. Just whip it to you. I said toss it to me.
Trep, you have to stop passing it to her. You're just making it worse. She's the only person on my team. What am I supposed to do? Katie, we're legitimately worried about your health.
If you can't play basketball, that's fine. You don't have to do this to yourself. Come on, guys. I'm in shape, too. Okay, watch.
Oh, shit. Holy shit.
I'm fine.
Okay, you know what, guys? You know what?
I'm very tired, and I need a break, right? So why don't we all take five while I rest?
Toss me. Well, this is two on two now. This makes more sense anyway. Okay. |
TheOnion | How_Much_Can_Hank_Pad_Out_This_Segment_About_The_NFL_Combine | All right, all you NFL sweatheads, the draft is right around the corner and you know what that means. That's right. It's time to talk about the NFL Combine.
And I'm thinking we could use all this scouting info to really pad out the segments so we can fill the next half hour. If I just start listing teams, the Panthers, Giants, the 49ers, the Seahawks, the Packers. What's that get us? We could get a good five minutes just out of random teams and positions. I could just read you off a bunch of shuttle times. You people would probably eat that up, right? 4.56, 4.6, 4.41, 4.32, 4.97.
Oh, that's got to be disappointing, whoever that was.
There's a lot to talk about for many minutes of air time here. What if I talk about throwing mechanics and QB poise? I don't know anything about that, but I could talk about what it means for a long time.
That's 10 more minutes right there. I could throw out a bunch of Mel Kiper draft position shit at you for days. But maybe we'll save that for tomorrow's show, give the research team a break.
Oh, here's a bunch more numbers for you. 267, 19, 122, 5.76, 89, 1, 23.5480.
Anyone want to call in with an opinion about that? Do you want to join a few minutes on Wonder Lick or where the prospects run around those cones?
That's something, right? Yeah, okay.
We'll have more of this in-depth analysis for you right after the break. Pure towels, because we got a hot and sticky NBA story to talk about.
Yesterday we heard MVP front-runner James Harden credit all his recent success to the Fiddler crab living in his beard. But does the crustacean really deserve all the acclaim? Look, we all know the Fiddler crab is a visionary basketball mind, and Harden claims it's completely transformed his game. Still, I'm somewhat skeptical. Harden was already a great player before the crab showed up, and his shooting is still subpar for an MVP candidate. Sure, the Rockets are better this year, but shouldn't Harden be talking about his teammates instead of some Fiddler crab residing inside his facial hair? I mean, we have Sports Illustrated touting the crab as the key to the Rockets' success. How do you think that's sitting with Chris Paul? They have some crustacean getting all the credit over him? Plus, I hear whispers the crab is poisoning Harden's relationship with Mike D'Antoni. It's never great when an outside seed creature has so much influence over your superstar. But you have to give credit where credit's due. Harden certainly is happy since that Fiddler crab scuttled into his beard, and you can't argue with success.
Maybe some other struggling NBA players would do well to find their own magical parrot or talking cat. Okay, coming up, should the U.S. ever let all those Olympic athletes who failed to medal back into the country?
We're taking calls. |
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