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cracked | the_inevitable_future_of_dating_sites_rom_com | So, how's the logo redesign coming? Not that great. Making sense of Elise's design notes is difficult. It needs to be visceral and frightening, but subtle and blue. You know that sound that lions make when they mate? Yes. I need the logo to feel like that.
Write that down. Writing it down.
Planes. Off to the side, you know.
I understand you. But hey, the new traffic metrics come out today. You must feel pretty good about your chances. And really, no hard feelings. Okay? You'll win.
Elise will fire me. And I'll go back to my old job.
The actual Tupac Shakur.
Bartender.
Yes, that's right. Well, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Remember that idea you had about helping users create more attractive profile pictures? I wrote it up as a tutorial that struggling users can access for a little extra. That way we can work with people who actually want our help. Oh, okay. It was a good idea. And it was your idea.
And if both our plans are running at the same time, and the site does well, Elise won't know who to reward. Or fire. So we can both keep our jobs?
I even made it look like you created the tutorial. I did it with hacking. Well, you didn't do it with hacking. I used your workstation while you were away, like a hacksmith.
Wow. Thanks, Bob. Yeah. I like having you around. Oh, and I have one more surprise for you. Did you get it? Nice. Now I want you to make me a cake that looks exactly like that. Chill.
Ugh, I gotta go. An eight and a four just walked in. Lates. Oh, which one is it? Max is at least a five, you turd. Two questions. Why'd y'all invite me here, and can I leave right now?
Don't worry. We won't take up too much of your time, Rush. I'm sure you're in a... you. Better not.
At 2.30 I'm gonna jet, and I mean I'm literally going to fly in a jet to referee a hot dog eating contest between them giant tennis sisters. Richard Branson bet me a cool G-spot that Serena owns, and that's her sucker's bet! This is gonna feel really good. What is? Y'all two gonna get it on in front of me? I'm legally allowed to film it because you invited me here. The new comScore numbers came in, and we've got a pretty good feeling that Find Love, our little mom-and-pop bullshit site, is going to crush Kindlin. And you're here so that we can see your face when you lose. And because Josie's gloating really does play better in person.
There's a victory dance involved, so I hope you're prepared to see these shoulders go for quiet. Oh, ooh, I am not. Who dances like that? The best winners.
Hit it, Blake. Blake! Hit it!
And the number one digital dating service in America is... EGB Media, Incorporated. It's the parent company that owns us. Yes! Then just say us from the beginning. God, how do you ruin good news? All of us. The same company that owns Find Love also owns Kindlin. It's all one thing.
What? Mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. This is unbelievable.
So we're pwned by the same company. Yeah, for like, immediately. Ever since Kindlin existed, we were sister companies. Yeah, brocos. Oh, ciscos. You're the CEO. Why didn't you know this?
What about some book guys? Some guy who does books?
I am the face of the company. I got hired to make other companies look dumb and to run around with celebrities while wearing a Kindlin t-shirt to project the image of success to our investors. Duh-y. I could give a shit about behind the scenes.
And what was the point of all this? Why would two subsidiaries of the same company be forced to compete? That's idiotic.
Yeah, yeah, I agree. Did someone say visionary? I know no one did. That was just the word I wanted to dramatically enter on. Dolores! Or whatever, I never actually bothered learning your name. You just saved it in my phone as dead ass with two Z's. You knew we were owned by the same company. Certainly. I get to mention that to you dime store goombas. So you pitted fine love against Kindlin and Max and I against each other?
Competition inspires hard work. You made us think our jobs were on the line. Even harder work.
You said Rush was going to turn this place into a Hooters-like restaurant called Oops All Butts. This is your future. Butt-themed martinis, eight butt-shaped mascot, note there are two S's in mascot. Literal ass hats that all of the waitresses have to wear during happy hour when we serve asshole opinion poppers. Ah, yes. That was just, how do the kids call it? Dope idea. Make sure you replace those S's with Z's.
If you would have just told us from the start that we were both properties of the same company, we could have collaborated and come up with some strategic cross-promotional initiatives to get the best of both worlds. How is that a worse strategy than having us compete over the same dating pool?
You made me fight with Max. I was going to go on a date with Rush. I had this whole ridiculous plan to try and figure out his secrets. What a pass. I'm super gay.
Putting a pin in that. Why would you make us do this? For starters, Maxine has never been more productive. Another reason this plan sucked. Further, subscriptions to both sites are up 15% just in the brief amount of time since I started this little comic subterfuge. This was dumb. It was motivating and pure and not without majestic precedent in the animal kingdom. This won't be true.
Shark mothers will often release a scarce amount of their blood loose into the water to inspire competition amongst her shark babies. She watches them feed, watches them both grow stronger. Just the one that gets the blood, right? And you have one shark that gets stronger, and the other one's just like...
A toast to me for sharksmanship. And of course I'll expect all of you to sustain this rate of growth now that I know you're capable of delivering. Welcome to shark law. And you, you there, boy, add a third Z to my name in your phone.
Yes. Yeah. Yes.
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've left my naked husband handcuffed and upside down in an abandoned Civil War prison. It's our anniversary. Sex with me is terrifying.
Gay. Enjoy your weekend, my gullible little gutter snipes. Uh, gay? Hell yeah, I'm gay as fuck. You hit on me when we met. That ass.
Prosemiti, ma'am. I am the CEO of a major disruptive 2.0 fuck app. I gots to keep up appearances, branding, you feel me? And cause seriously, it's still very difficult being openly gay in a position of power, and then this seemingly progressive political climate. Gay rights is without a question one of the defining issues of our generation. We're working hard to educate. Change begins at home. Ooh, have you guys joined Equality California yet?
Yeah. Today is better than tomorrow, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, leads. People have been exiting this room very strangely. This whole fucking thing. There isn't even a lesson in any of it. Yeah. Hey, I'm glad we get to be friends again, though. Blame. Me too.
Hey, do you want to go hiking? Nope. Want to get drunk and send the police to whatever Civil War dungeon Elise and her husband are having nightmarish sex in? Mmm, big yes. Oh, yeah, that's a great idea.
This was the last episode in this brief season. We've got four more coming in a couple of months, so subscribe and see them when they come out. Thanks. Are we out of frame? |
TheOnion | The_Key_To_Getting_Pregnant_Is_Letting_Everyone_Know_You_re_Trying | So, you're trying to get pregnant and nothing is working. You've tried everything. Standing up, locking in and spinning, but everything comes up negative. You say, it's just not meant to be.
Well, give it another shot because the key to getting pregnant is simple. Let people know you're trying, often, and with great detail. By constantly announcing to your friends, family, and casual acquaintances that you're trying to conceive, you dramatically increase the chances of your partner putting a brand new bun in your oven. It might seem too easy at first, just stating your attempts to procreate with all the details needed to paint the correct picture, but it works. Take me for example. When I was trying for Lincoln, I made it a daily goal to bring up which position Hunter and I were experimenting with in every conversation I had, no matter who I was talking to or how graphic the conversation turned. I told literally anyone I could, from teachers to babysitters to telemarketers, that I stand on my head after Hunter finishes inside me, and sharing that information really helped me conceive. With baby-making constantly on our minds, and the minds of everyone we came into contact with, we remained focused and committed. It's no surprise we got pregnant so quickly and easily. Plus, people like hearing about it.
There's nothing to be ashamed of or hide. What your husband's unprotected penis feels like as he thrusts.
Or you'll whisper possible baby names in his ear as he ejaculates. These are perfectly natural things to bring up at an office party or to announce at the beginning of a flight. I've also found that it really ups your chances of conceiving if you film the copulation and mail it to the president. Well, best of luck to all the moms and soon-to-be mom-mats out there. Post your favorite position you used to conceive in the comments section. |
TheOnion | Obama_Proposes_4_Trillion_Piece_Of_Empty_Rhetoric | Ukrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines. The National Endowment for the Arts provides $80 million for discouraging talentless hacks. And a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window, presenting the only 10 news stories that occurred anywhere in the past seven days. This is The Onion Week in Review. This Tuesday, President Obama sent Congress a $4 trillion piece of entirely meaningless rhetoric. The National Endowment for the Arts allocates $302 billion to posturing about infrastructure, $76 billion in specious language on education reform, and $12 billion in unrealistic propositions about scientific research. It has reportedly been hailed by many in Washington as a bold declaration of party lines.
Acclaimed director Francis Ford Coppola revealed in an interview this week that the three Godfather films are in fact all part of the same narrative universe. The 74-year-old explained that while the films can certainly be appreciated as individual movies, he had consciously attempted to weave the three discrete films into a single cohesive whole, or trilogy of sorts. Coppola went on to note that he had even gone so far as to add subtle touches for astute viewers, such as featuring a character named Michael Corleone in each film, and titling the three stories The Godfather, The Godfather Part II, and The Godfather Part III. I'd always had an inkling the Godfather films were somehow linked, but the lengths to which Mr. Coppola went to connect them is unbelievable. For example, you might notice that there's a mafia family called the Corleones in the second film. Well, that's actually the same Corleone family you saw in the first movie just years later. Knowing this really enriches the viewing experience.
Chicago area parents Rhonda and Steven Tobin told reporters this week that they continued to emphasize to their 20-year-old son Patrick the importance of investing in an improv comedy education. Stressing that there could be nothing more crucial to his future than devoting himself to studying improv, the couple urged their son to join as many indie teams as possible and maybe even take a music elective. We keep telling Patrick again and again that if you don't buckle down and start learning basic concepts like Yes, And and The Herald Now, nobody is going to take you seriously later in life. I mean, I cannot get it into his head that if he's not big enough skills like heightening and object work, he is never going to get on a house team. And in local news, a report confirms that mom's got her thing tonight.
In other news, John Kerry sits in the shadows of a Kiev cafe awaiting a woman known only as Dasha. 15 years in an environment of constant fear somehow fails to rehabilitate a prisoner.
And a military recruiter doesn't have to dig too far into his bag of tricks to land this one. Using cutting-edge technology, this video has transported you over two minutes into the future. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com |
SaturdayNightLive | a_message_from_mark_zuckerberg_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from Mark Zuckerberg. Hello, I'm Mark Zuckerberg.
On Tuesday afternoon, I was named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. While this is a great honor for me, I could not have accomplished it without the half a billion users who make up Facebook's social network. Hello again. it's me, Julian Assange. I'm out. she may have heard I was released from a British prison on bail Thursday. Tonight, I want to take a moment to congratulate Time Magazine on the excellent selection of Mark Zuckerberg as person of the Year. Time Magazine, always on the cutting edge, discovering Facebook only weeks after your Grandmother.
Yeah!
What are the differences between Mark Zuckerberg and me? let's take a look. I give you private information on corporations for free and I'm a villain. Mark Zuckerberg gives your private information to corporations for money and he's man of the year.
Thanks to Wikileaks, you can see how corrupt governments operate in the shadows and then lie to those who elect them.
Thanks to Facebook, you can finally figure out which sex in the city character you are. I'm a Samantha, but if the Swedish police ask, I'm a Charlotte.
Yeah! In order to make a movie about Mark Zuckerberg, interesting, there to make stuff up. in order to make a movie about me, just rated R, they'll have to leave stuff out. Yeah!
But perhaps in the end, Time chose Mark Zuckerberg because he was the more dynamic choice. let's check back in with him. And I think we can all agree, that's an algorithm for fun. in conclusion, a final reminder that no matter how I die, even if there's a video of me peacefully dying of natural causes, it was murder. Here's a status update. Democracy is Dead.
Happy Holidays! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_09_12_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | We're recording live out of Baxter Boots Studios here in the Old City District. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batutah Advocate and of course Errol Parker, editor at large. How are you Errol?
Good mate, as always. That's good to hear. And of course leading us today with the news will be Wendell Hussey, the Scotty Cam of the Diamantina Shire.
Overplayed and underworked. I wish I was on that much. Overplayed and underworked.
You're right Errol. He's an entitled millennial. Aren't we all? You recovered from barely an Errol? Well, you know, when you're 57 years old, young man, it does take a bit longer to get over, you know, a big night on the GHB. Bounced yourself out.
Yep. Ended up at the Spandau train station at nine o'clock in the morning where I finally came to. In those famous arseless chaps he sent through on the slack. Anyway, let's get on with the show. What I do in my own time is my own business. Until you put it into slack. Yeah. Okay.
What's big in the headlines this week, Wendell? Bushfires are still in the headlines, as you can probably imagine, into a couple of months now and the PM is struggling to find catchy enough slogan to make Australia forget that 10% of the continent is on fire. Well, no wonder he had to make the shift from advertising and marketing over to politics.
You know, there's a few good ones that you could come up with this. Well, there was, I saw some brainstorming that he'd kind of gone through the other day. He was bouncing around the words mateship. He was, however, worried that mateship, when you apply it to fire, he might disrespect the Anzacs that he also fetishizes. So I think he came up with a word that was blokeship. Yep. Blokeship, and the slogan was going to be that there is a blokeshipment of brave men fighting these fires. It doesn't really roll off the tongue as much as, where the bloody hell are you, how good's Australia, or pranking credits will ruin your retirement.
And what else is in the news there, Wendell? Well, in entertainment news now and Disney Plus to create more realistic prints who is in an elite pedophile sex ring. Yes, you know, they kind of update the modeling of what it is to be a prince in this day and age. The new world, the modern day prince is flying between Manhattan and England, and maybe he has a secret kiss, maybe he doesn't, you know, maybe he can save someone who's had a poison. I don't know what he can do, but we do know that he is arguably allegedly part of an elite pedophile sex ring. Yeah, well, hopefully the kiss of life that this particular prince gets is from a paramedic in a tunnel. That's what the queen hopes, that's what the queen hopes anyway. He's been led to believe, if not, he might get a Chelsea kiss when he goes to prison for those crimes. Yeah, a lot of speculation about what type of character he'll be. Tim Marshall commented on that story with an interesting point. He said, the real question is, will the new prince pay to make it look like his also pedophile friend killed himself?
Thought emoji. Red hot take from Tim Marshall there, I like that. What else have we got? Local news.
That's right, Clancy, and man loses entire trailer load after forgetting to say that it wasn't going anywhere. Rookie mistake by this man. Of course, if you're taking anything anywhere in a trailer and you tie it down and you don't say that, it's going to end up on the side of the road. Yes, this local man lost an entire load. He did say if that's coming off, it's taking the whole damn trailer with it, but that wasn't good enough. As is stipulated in the heavy rigid license test, you need to be able to say this isn't going anywhere. And if it is in fact tied on quite loosely, you just got to point out that it is a short trip and it's not going to be that big of an issue.
And at the risk of promoting the culture of toxic masculinity, Wendell, I think he should hand back his man card. Ooh. You can come and find me on Twitter if you don't like that. Strong words, Errol. Now, at me and call me a cunt. I don't care. There you go.
In some other local news from around the diamond den of Shire now, and cafe phases out cups by pouring hot coffee directly into customers mouths. It is a big win for the environmentalists. The powerful keep cup lobby is yet to respond to this new trend that may be putting them out of business, but keep cup is will be frustrated that their virtue signaling devices have been removed and they are actually going to be quite a lot less vocal in the near future because they have all of the nerve endings and taste buds scoured off by boiling hot coffee.
Yes. Well, one customer who ordered a long black, he wasn't that impressed. He gave us a quote that day down there at the cafe. It was. Something about a Donny mine, I believe I couldn't really translate it myself. That's what all those bastards are always talking about, isn't it?
But they also have been selling a lot of the new LA Vera muffins as well. And Rachel King, one of the new early adopters on this said the best bit is when the office junior has to go out and fetch the coffee for the boss. When they come back, it's like a baby bird feeding scene in a nature documentary elsewhere around town now.
And made it bar begins brainstorming excuses for why he's getting something other than beer. Yes. After a couple rapid fire rounds of beer before happy hour had finished, the big fella decided that enough wanted to try something a bit different. But given he was out with his mates, he had to figure out how to kind of get away without skipping rounds. And you know, as Errol pointed out earlier, toxic masculinity is an issue in this country and it really rears its heads in moments like this, especially when the young fella wants something like a Canadian club, because that's the way pub culture is in this country. And if you're not drinking piss, you better be gambling on the pokies.
Otherwise you can hand in your man card like Errol mentioned earlier. Hand it in, I will come and collect it. There you go.
And learn how to drive manual. Yeah, learn how to drive stick.
Now the silly season is getting into full swing, but it hasn't been fun and games for all. One teacher is at maximum stress levels and he's been carrying on like he's not about to put his trotters up for six weeks. Yes. Anyone who knows a teacher, Wendell, knows that right now they're going through hell, that is reports. And after reports, there's parent teacher interviews where parents have to come and pretend to be interested at what the teacher's saying. Then after only all of that is done, then they can rest. And that rest doesn't usually come until the second last week of December. And if you know any teachers, you'll know that it is a much needed break when that does come around.
Now we had a comment on that article from Brendan James Murray. He said, I'm a teacher and in fairness, the holidays are challenging, deciding if I'll get up at 11 or 12, timing my lunch around the Australian open, dodging students at the beach. Anyway, that's it for us on the bulletin this week. Thank you for tuning in and be sure to join us next week. Until then, my name is Clancy Overall, editor of the Twitter Advocate. You be kind to each other. And my name is Errol Parker, slaamat malaam. My name's Wendell Hussey and we say happy holidays in this place. You're fired. |
cracked | dissecting_donald_trump_s_holocaust_memorial_note_some_news_special_report | Hello, and welcome to a some new special report. I want to talk briefly about President Trump's first foreign trip. And like, he's doing fine, he's tired, he got to touch the orb, he got to sell billions of dollars in arms to the Saudis despite his intense criticisms of such practices, he got to be in Israel and say he just left the Middle East, he shoved a world leader to make himself look like a big big boy, he had a big boy trip. But I want to focus on this incredible note he wrote in the guest book of Yad Vashem, a Holocaust memorial in Israel. Now past US leaders have written eloquent, poignant notes at the powerful reminder of man's potential for great evil. President Trump wrote, quote, it is a great honor to be here with all of my friends.
So amazing, and we'll never forget. Bigger fish to fry, I know, but we are drowning in fish. So f**k it.
First of all, I didn't know President Trump sat behind Yad Vashem in homeroom. That's neat that I know that now. And it was a great honor to be there, is just saying you like the idea of being asked. And you're the president, not a great start. But a great honor to be here with all of my friends, Steve Bannon, Kellyanne, Reince, my daughter's husband, all of my friends. There's just something really adorable about this phrasing, all of my friends. It makes him sound like he's five. Oh, it was a real swell honor to be here with all my friends, mister. But that's the president.
He's a big boy, with his truck. He's the big boy, who's always talking about that time he won the game during dodgeball, giving duplicates of his trophy to people. He's the real big boy who got to meet the Pope.
Drive the point home? Perfect. It just seems like he's only doing this, so in a few years he can leaf through a book of precious memories and point and say, look at me with these people. Look at me.
And then there's, and we'll never forget, which is an odd phrasing, and it could mean one of three things. One, he's just confusing it with 9-11. Two, he knows the phrase associated with the Holocaust, never again, but just got it wrong. Or three, he means he'll never forget the amazing time he had at the Holocaust Memorial.
And this seems the most likely, because he doesn't say, and we must never forget. He says, and we'll never forget. So amazing. And we'll never forget.
It's weird. Also, let's erase that and take a look at what he definitely originally wrote. That is a neat note that someone has planned. And then, someone near him was like, pssst, Mr. President. Or pssst, don't know, or pssst, hey dad, this isn't for Becky from Social Studies.
Again, it's not important. Other stuff's going on. I just, he's so childish and dumb and embarrassing, and every world leader knows it, and every other country knows it. And that's it, I guess. Just, you know, thanks for watching, f**k this guy. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_angela_dixon_saturday_night_live | A colossal winter storm hit the United States with snow, high winds, and freezing rain this week, and experts say the worst is still to come. Here to talk about what we could expect is meteorologist and former disco queen Angela Dixon.
Hi, Seth. thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to meet you. thanks for coming.
I have to say, Angela, it's quite a switch from disco to weather, expert. how does that happen? You know, Seth, I don't really want to talk about that. disco thing was long ago, and this is what I do now, so. oh, okay. that's fine. didn't mean any offense.
So, Angela, what's in the forecast? how much more snow can we expect? Well, we're in for quite a week, because, uh. snow's coming downtown, downtown, and piling up, up, up. And snow's coming downtown, downtown, and piling up, up, up. up, up, up. it's blowing here and there, and in your face and hand. snow's coming down, down, down. it comes from here, here, here.
Okay, but what I was asking. no! there was one more up. there was one more up? there was one more up. Okay, Angela, I might be wrong, but I think your disco past seeped in there a little bit. really? yeah. I don't think so. I am 100% meteorologist now. Okay, 100%. Well, if that's the case, can you tell us why we've had so many storms recently? Well, Seth, the best I can tell you is, um. snow, it's everywhere. it's falling, snow. it's everywhere we're going. nobody knows snow like I do. don't you love me anymore? wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Well, I just. you sang a disco song about the snow, and then at the end, you said, don't you love me anymore? I think I said low-pressure, sister. no. you definitely didn't. I promise you did not. Okay, Seth, um, I'm gonna give you the forecast. there's not gonna be any disco. no disco. No, and to prove it, I'm going to. gonna put on my heart-shaped glasses. Oh, I don't think. I got my blazer. it seems like a disco move. Yeah. I'm gonna do it. So, clown! pushing you in and you're out and you're up and you're down and you're snowing around with my heart. it's like a school plow.
Where do I go now? Angela. where do I go now? Angela.
Pennsylvania, but I can't cause my car is covered in ice and rock songs from an ice storm out of my life. Captain! So, there's a captain that you want out of your life. Yes, I don't want to talk about it.
Angela, we're out of time. Do you have any advice, any advice at all for us to get through these next couple of winter months?
Then just tell us. Just tell us. Tell us.
Where do I go now? Angela Nixon, Everyone! Congratulations. |
TheOnion | RNC_Speech_Fuck_We_re_Really_Just_Letting_This_Fucking_Happen | Oh, fuck. Jesus. We are fucking fucked. God, we're fucked. We're just gonna let this fucking happen? Huh? Fuck! We needed this! Fuck! I mean, what the fuck are we doing?
I'm fucking panicking up here. Guys, you know I'm fucking panicking, okay?
I'm gonna lose my fucking district. And none of you fucks are fucking helping. I did every fucking thing right.
And for what?
My fucking family's watching this. My fucking kids are watching me fucking fry up here. And I'm like... Fuck.
We're in it. We are at it.
Do I need fuck? Was Jeb that fucking bad? I mean, fuck! I mean, we're fucked for a thousand years now because some fuck...
Dude, look at this fucking guy. He's fucked every one of us sideways and we fucking watched. He conquered us and we fucking sat there with our number two pencils and our dicks and took fucking notes.
Fuck! Fuck the fuck! Fucking... Fuck!
Okay. I am pleased to introduce the next president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. |
cracked | why_the_ending_of_star_wars_is_secretly_kind_of_dumb_today_s_topic | Well, pretty good. Pretty good. I really like the pew pew pew stuff.
Ending was kind of dumb. Dumb? You grew up as a human on Earth without seeing Star Wars until just now. You're the dummy, you big dumb dummy.
Okay, the two guys get medals, right? But their giant bipedal dog friend doesn't. That's B.S. And then they just sort of turn around and take a space family portrait with the Mean Princess and their dandy droid buddies. So yeah, space ceremony's kind of dumb, it turns out. The second one's better anyway.
Oh! Why, does that one not end with a freaky family space portrait? No!
Well, yeah, kind of, but it's from behind. And the Mean Space Princess is nicer. But it's like a little meaner at other times. Half-witted, scruffy-looking nerd! But the bipedal dog friend is called a Wookiee.
So anyway, it's good. Fine, I'll watch the second thing.
Do the heroes actually get to save the day in that one? They saved the day in the first one! Oh, was Luke blowing up the Death Star thanks to Han showing up and blowing up TIE fighters and distracting Vader not saving the day enough for you? Han doesn't do shit, dude, except shoot Greedo after Greedo shoots him. You take both of those things back right now! The first one, then the other, separately. The real hero, who really saved the day, was that Imperial jet fighter.
TIE fighter. TIE fighter, whatever.
He's the one who got rid of Vader. Han showed up, and instead of shooting at Vader's ship, he shoots at one of the little random ships on either side. That's the one shot he takes. Instead of shooting at the bigger, blacker, obviously boss ship. Yeah, and it worked, okay? Vader careened off, and the day was saved. Yeah, because the other pilots sucked at piloting. Han shows up and takes a shot. Yeah, and Vader's all like, what? What? The stupid pilot yells, look out! And then he just careens to the side for no reason other than that he sucks at piloting, slams into Vader's ship, and explodes like a dummy and a hero. You know, he stopped the war.
Where's his medal? Where's his princess and dog portrait?
Han still took the shot, though. If he didn't shoot the other fighter, then the dummy wouldn't have careened off and slammed into Vader, and then Luke would have been screwed. But the facts remain. Luke was lucky that that pilot was dumb, and Han was dumb for not shooting Vader first. Han never shoots first.
You don't even grasp how terrible you're being. You lack the factual and historical grounding to comprehend how wrong you are.
Just watch the second one. Too late, cuz I watched it just now while we were talking. Literally impossible. The last thing I'm gonna say on it, I swear. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_melissa_villasenor_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
A new poll shows that President Biden's approval rating has fallen to an all-time low of 33%. for perspective, that's less than half the approval rating of Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Sonic 2 features the characters tails and Knuckles, which are also the names of two gang members Joe Biden claims he fought in the 1960s. a video has also gone viral of President Biden finishing a speech in North Carolina, then apparently turning to shake hands with an invisible person. hey, her name is Kamala. that's a lot of time You saw her. President Biden, seen here trying to remember where he left his mask, announced new Federal regulations for ghost guns. I mean, look, I don't like the idea of people having ghost guns either, but if there's something strange in your neighborhood, who are you going to call? you like it.
Elon Musk offered to buy Twitter for over $40 billion so he can loosen its free speech rules. that's how badly white guys want to use the N-word. Definitely, I don't understand why Elon even wants to own Twitter. it used to be something that seemed important and even fun, and now you look at it and it's confusing and depressing. it's the Giuliani of apps. And come on, Elon, Elon built electric cars. he's going to Mars. Why is he even involving himself with Twitter? it would be like if the Prince of England gave it all up just to marry an actor from suits. Plus, I got to say, Twitter's not even profitable anymore. this feels like a bad business decision, and I say that as someone who bought a Staten Island Ferry with Pete. the inflation rate in the U.s. reached 8.5% in March.
To cover the higher prices, millions of families have been forced to take out a second onlyfans account. The manhunt for the New York City Subway shooter ended when the suspect called the police tip line to say that he was in an East Village Mcdonald's, where judging by this photo, he was auditioning for the role of Grimace. Oh, come on.
Jetblue has made an offer to buy Spirit Airlines. said Spirit, it's $500 for the night, no kissing. scientists say new technology can now predict when someone will suffer a potentially fatal heart attack. the technology is called Peloton. mental health experts are now recommending that children start being screened for anxiety when they are eight years old, because it can be pretty stressful down at that old iphone factory. Two Barbie dolls were launched into space for the first time ever aboard the International Space Station. Finally, they're gone, said Two Ken Dolls. a Brazilian man. there we go. sorry, transition. A Brazilian man had to undergo emergency surgery after he got a four-pound dumbbell stuck in his anus. he then shoved it back up there and said, two. Anyway, that's why you always wipe down the equipment. a New Jersey man was arrested after he ran over a woman multiple times in a road rage incident. said the woman, sorry, sorry.
Google Earth has released. Google Earth has released a new feature that allows people to see a time lapse of how their neighborhood has changed over the last 40 years. don't remind me, said my Grandpa. it was posted of a police officer in San Francisco pulling over a driverless car, then the car driving away after the officer saw no one was behind the wheel.
Even more amazing, he still managed to shoot an unarmed black guy.
Krispy Kreme. Krispy Kreme is running a promotion offering a dozen donuts for $4.11, which is the average price for a gallon of gas.
But that's counterproductive, because now your car is gonna have to work even harder to drag your fat ass around. Well, you know, a lot of people ask me if they can be on update and do some comedy, and I've always said, no, we're a serious news program. Then, last week, I got drunk enough to say yes while being driven home from the after party. here to make his network debut is my driver, Cesar Perez.
Whoo! Avenue East Hampton, right? Oh, you didn't have to say my home address. um. uh, so, Cesar, you wanted to try out some stand-up? I have to, Colin. I got the minor, man. see ya, man. I just hope this crowd can handle it. Whoo! we'll see. take it away. All right. hey, we can update. how are we? Whoo! me, too.
Man, I got a crazy familia. like my crazy nephew, Carlitos. Mira, kids obsessed with lizards. he's got nine of them. and now he wants another one? Hey, Carlitos, how about a set of ten lizards?
You get one girlfriend. I. All right, yeah, that's pretty good, Cesar. I don't know, man. I think that was kind of mean. can we edit that out? Oh, sorry, Cesar. we're famously live. All right, no. what kind of man says something like that? My man says something like that about his nephew. I got to apologize, Colin. Carlitos, I'm so proud of you, Mio. you get a girlfriend whenever you're ready, or a boyfriend or a lizard. whatever makes you happy. you're gonna be a great dad one day. I love you so much. All right. that's really sweet, Cesar, but I don't think you need to worry. you just have to trust your material, you know? You're right, Colin.
I just won't do nephew jokes, okay? Hey, so anyone here got a sister? I got a crazy sister. look at her. she got purple hair. hey, what are you trying to do? land a day with an oompa loompa?
That's the worst mistake she's made since she gave birth to Carlitos. Wow, Cesar. I know. I did it again. And it's almost Easter. Jesus is gonna wake up in his cave all disappointed in me. Carlitos. I'm so proud of you. your family doesn't care that you smell your headgear or that you name your lizards after the cast-off-selling sunset. they love you, Amigo. please forgive me.
All right. Well, you know, maybe jokes aren't your thing, you know, or apologies. You're right.
I should just stick to impressions. like the one on my abuelita. she's crazy old. she's like, hey, Mira, my skin is so wrinkled. Why does Carlitos keep taking my lotion? Easy, Cesar. I know. this mind of Mancilla is tearing me apart. Ah, Carlitos, listen. don't be embarrassed about the lotion. you're only stealing it to moisturize your lizards. it's gonna be okay. you can be a gross little nerd your whole life and still be successful. Just look at Carlitos! my driver, Cesar, everybody. hey, let's do it! No. when we get updated, I'm Carlitos.
All right, Michael and Jerry, good night. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Scotty_s_Lucky_Day_Melbourne_African_Gangs_Transform_Brutal_Double_Bounc_ | How are we all gentlemen? Not bad mate, a bit happier than last week you know, I took myself bowling, the AMC on Valentine's Day you know because I've given up on that type of thing so so yeah just had a real quiet one. Well it's always good to see men going their own way, what about you Wendell? Yeah good Clancy, had an interesting kind of a week, obviously there's all this stuff with Facebook, also went down earlier in the week to one of the meetings there with Errol, interesting stuff going on there I don't think it is for me I don't think I'll go my own way I'll keep going the society's way but yeah definitely interesting to see what they're doing down there. How are you Clancy? Yeah good mate, you know Valentine's Day was a hit I really delivered there with some native flowers, you know big improvements from the ironing board of 2020. Good on you Clancy, great to hear, shall we get into the news? Yep.
Righto we'll start off with the biggest story of the week and that broke the day Facebook banned news and the headline on it reads, report not a bad day for someone trying to duck questions about his staff committing rape. Yes on Thursday the nation woke up to the big news and that was news had been taken off Facebook. All Australian publishers including the likes of the Newcastle Jets and the Bureau of Meteorology were banned and while this was cause for concern for the government who were under fire for botching the media code there was a silver lining. Indeed Clancy because it took a bit of the heat off the Prime Minister and his cabinet who were under heavy fire for the fact that one of their staffers was sexually assaulted inside Parliament House and they handled it appallingly with seemingly no empathy whatsoever. So in a roundabout way it turned out to be a much better day than the Prime Minister had planned.
Yeah I mean there was no talk of those kids on Christmas Island, there was no talk of the corruption with the grants being handed out by Peter Dutton. In fact no one was really looking into this inquiry into media diversity either. Family court got abolished, you know a lot of news stories that the Prime Minister didn't want to have to be asked questions about.
Because all he was being asked about was Facebook and it was a problem he had to solve. And he actually turned to his wife for help on the issue. Jenny reportedly told the Prime Minister to look at the Facebook changes as if his own daughters were independent newspapers. That's right, facing the prospect of an angry media industry who now had one of their biggest traffic sources taken away, Scott has turned to the nations new empathy consultant, Jenny. Yes his wife Jenny of course told him to think about the Parliament and how sexual assault in the context of a father, who has young women in his life who are emotionally important to him. And that allowed him to understand the situation and sympathise with his former employee. And after the success of that, Jenny then told Scott to think about these independent publishers who didn't get a payout from Google and have been banned from posting on Facebook like they were his daughters. Something that is important to a man like him. Certainly an interesting way of tackling that problem.
There was some feel good news out of this saga though, and that was about Melbourne's African gangs slowly transforming into African picnics as Facebook bans the Herald Sun. Yes the horrifying scourge of Sudanese and Ethiopian teenage gangsters wreaking havoc in Melbourne's public spaces has seemingly vanished over the last few days. As the News Corp publications continue to remain off limits to Australian social media users, African gangs are slowly transforming into the cheerful black kids they were before Andrew Bolt started writing about them. And they're making the most of Melbourne's parks and shitty beaches.
Truly remarkable. Like nature returning to its natural state. Yeah just a few less landmines there Wendell. And a few more needles.
And in some local news from here in Betuda, and a small child has gotten their first glimpse of man's inhumanity to man with a brutal double bounce on the trampoline. Yes a six year old Betuda Heights boy last week incurred his first taste of real life after having a trampoline session with his older, slightly rougher neighbours. Poor little Tim thought a game of crack the egg, I think that's what it's called these days, sounded like a great idea so he desperately tried to get in on that, as younger kids like to do. And unfortunately it ended up with him rolling around in the fetal position meeting a double bounce head on. Welcome to first grade son. Plenty more to come of that Tim.
And in some other news from around our town, the dishwasher's broken, says woman staring at plates with three kilos of risotto still glued to them. Similar situation to the one at your house the other night Errol, when you chuck the plates in the dishwasher with half that Woolworths lasagna still on them, it's the same thing with risotto. And this local woman, Shianna, has lashed out at her dishwasher this week after it spat her crockery and cutlery back out, looking worse than they looked when they went in. Like you Errols, she said she doesn't rinse her dishes because she doesn't see the point in washing them twice, because she is a flippant slob. Rinsing dishes is a waste of time mate, a good dishwasher should just clean the plates.
But you know after Caitlin left and I've just been doing things on my own at home, I've just been using plastic plates and plastic cutlery and then at the end I just put them in the bin. When I was single I'd just throw them on the lawn and fire up the gurney. I think that it is a bit too much water. Some interesting little life hacks there for anyone listening who is a single man, or living alone.
But I think that's the end of our Weekly News Bulletin for this week. Thanks for your company as always, have a great weekend and we'll talk to you next time. See you, bye bye.
And this local woman, Shianna, has lashed out at her dishwasher this week after it spat her crockery and cutlery back out. Looking worse than they looked when they went in. Like you Errols, she said she doesn't rinse her dishes because she doesn't see the point in washing them twice, because she is a flippant slob. Rinsing dishes is a waste of time mate, a good dishwasher should just clean the plates. But you know after Caitlin left and I've just been doing things on my own at home, I've just been using plastic plates and plastic cutlery and then at the end I just put them in the bin.
When I was single I'd just throw them on the lawn and fire up the gurney. I think that it is a bit too much water. Some interesting little life hacks there for anyone listening who is a single man, or living alone.
But I think that's the end of our Weekly News Bulletin for this week. Thanks for your company as always, have a great weekend and we'll talk to you next time. See you, bye bye. Hooroo! Wog one, bitch. |
ClickHole | awkwardly_adorable_watch_these_parents_explain_loud_sex_to_their_children_for_the_first_time | All right. This is gonna be difficult. Right. Here goes.
So honey, when two parents love each other very much, a deafening thing happens. Mommy and daddy will go into a different room and what happens next is a sky darkening roar that rips out all other sound from the universe. There is a sound of extraordinary volume and how do I say this? The love that mommy and daddy feel for one another is so loud, it drinks all the other sound and it's all you can hear. And when you try to hear other things in the universe, you can't because they're gone. All the other noises have been swallowed.
And the loud thing is called sex or intercourse and it's a beautiful thing that the neighbors can hear. And the sex is loud because daddy and mommy are doing a special hug and the sound of their love is sounding throughout the world at a sky darkening volume. The noise of the love is so powerful, it makes the sky darker. And the sex is so loud that it scares the sun away and the sky gets dark like it's nighttime even though it's daytime.
I know it might seem strange to think about mommy and daddy doing this loud thing with each other, but it's actually something all parents do when they're in love and want to make the kind of noise that ruins the summer. And so the parents get closer and closer and the closer they get, the louder they get and they scream and they scream because it feels so loud and that's why they shout. Mommy and daddy scream because the noise is a celebration of how loud everything is. Sex is a way for parents to celebrate how noisy their feelings are by being loud about them. If the mommy and daddy are loud enough, then sometimes there'll be a knock at the door and it will be our neighbor Ryan and Ryan will say, I heard the loud thing happening so I know that you were in love, congratulations. And the next day after the loud sex, mommy and daddy will open up the newspaper and there on the front page is the headline, the loud thing happened. And that's the way that everybody knows that mommy and daddy are in love.
So there you go. That's the loud catastrophe of love. Now you understand the thundering nightmare that can happen when two people love each other. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Kyle_Sandilands_Shits_on_his_Own_Face_to_Increase_Ratings_The_Liberals_Have_Made_an_Interesting_ | You're listening to the Batuda Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Hello Clancy Overall here with another weekly Batuda bulletin joined by Errol Parker and Effie Bateman. How are the two of you?
Yeah, look, not bad Effie in here for Wendell Hussey. Wendell's off sick.
It is not a celebration, although it will be treated like that unfortunately in some of the pubs around the country. People will be doing cocaine and listening to DJ's rather than playing two up and drinking rum and milk like they should be.
Is it a Queensland thing where if you go to a pub you can't drink until one o'clock? It is a Queensland thing. It's just a Queensland thing? Unless you go to the dawn service where you're allowed to start drinking with the diggers.
By breakfast they call that. Canned fruit provided by the RSL for breakfast. Mimosas. Yes, exactly. Milk rum and fruit mimosas. Moreton Bay porridge. Delicious. Take me back.
Now a lot going on in the news, we're going to kick things off with a story about the upcoming referendum. The Liberals have made an interesting claim that the voice could allow indigenous people to secretly appoint themselves to five different ministries. Yes, the debate about an indigenous voice to parliament and constitutional recognition has gotten quite loud this week. The Liberal Party have really put some effort into going hard on their no campaign and it's really led to some interesting claims we just heard about above. Yes that's right, despite spending the last decade in government undermining our democracy the Liberals have voiced serious concerns about what a voice would mean for our way of life. Deliberately misrepresenting what the voice will actually be able to do i.e. consider policy and make representations to parliament with no ability to pass or veto laws. The Liberals say they are gravely worried that the voice will result in an abuse of power like when the Liberal Party leader and the Australian Prime Minister took five different ministries for himself in a blatant violation of democracy under the cloak of darkness. He was just protecting our democracy in the face of a giant unknown that was an extremely mild cold as we found out and switching it up before we get kicked off Spotify with some entertainment news.
Yes and Kyle Sandilands has done a handstand against the wall and shat on his own face in an effort to reclaim the number one breakfast radio spot. Yes he's really taking the loss to Benjamin Fordham quite hard as King Kyle is the controversial host of the Kyle and Jackie O show shocked listeners on air this week with his latest stunt which was quite something Clancy. Indeed during a live broadcast Sandilands attempted to handstand against the wall in the Kiss FM car park while simultaneously defecating on his own face in full view of the co-host and guests the stunt was met with disgust and outrage but laughter as well from listeners and industry insiders alike however many people have called for Sandilands to be taken off the air because he got naked and shat on his own face.
It is quite an impressive feat for a man of Kyle's build I mean to have the core muscles in the first place and then to be able to have such activated core muscles and at the same time loosen the calamari. I think that's actually incredibly impressive.
I know but despite the backlash Kyle has remained unrepentant unsurprisingly insisting that he was simply doing whatever it takes to entertain his audience and win their loyalty back from the walking earbud which is Ben Fordham. Talkback radio is never going to be King again.
Well we'll see whether it gets him back that top spot. And here in town now and a senior public servant has searched YouTube this week for the perfect acknowledgement of country to play before 3 p.m. meeting about nothing. Yes a very public sector story this one Wendy Rickson an executive director of the finance and foreign investment team in the Department of private infrastructure and privatization has said she's been pretty busy this past week trying to find the perfect vid for a meeting about not much at all. Yes she told us that videos are much better than doing the acknowledgement yourself as and I quote here sometimes you just run out of things to say it ends up being as arbitrary as taking attendance with a nice YouTube video at the top it feels much more engaging it's more fun for everyone look the acknowledgement of country is something we all have to do so we might as well do it properly. Whoa she makes a compelling case doesn't she Clancy? Yes and this is why we need the voice so people like Wendy Dickson can kind of calm down their white guilt. It's certainly sort of better than that interpretive dance that you did at last week's AGM here at the advocate to welcome people to this country here. Well it wasn't necessarily a welcome to country per se it was more of a celebration of love I would say. I do not want to see you squat that far ever again Clancy.
Finishing up with some romantic news and our local man has learned a tough life lesson. Yes a bloke suggesting an open relationship has learnt it's much easier for women to get a root. Yes a steep learning curve for Batutah Heights man Paul Gebaux who'd originally intended to just get a free pass at his co-worker unfortunately he's found out the hard way that his romantic prospects pale in comparison to his girlfriend and it's now something he wishes he hadn't suggested at all. Yep after his girlfriend of eight years who didn't really have much of an interest in opening things up she was inundated with messages on various dating apps and a lot of interest from her co-workers and mutual friends surprise surprise to make things worse he'd mistaken his co-workers playful banter for flirting and she had fuck all interest in him so he's had to head back to his girlfriend and beg forgiveness with his tail between his legs something she's not so sure about anymore silly Paul.
You stupid cunt. Anyway that's what's making news for this week see you later. Hurrah! Oh Paul. |
dropout | precious_plum_some_vampire_teeth | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around a patch. I should not have sold all her clothes. She's my precious Plum.
We was out buying that food for Dog because he's been real sick. We saw a coupon for free glamor sauce. Trouble is, Plum's got a loose tooth. And that's not glamorous, that's glamor-like.
Listen to her go catch. She's gonna make a book. Alright, is it on there? I think so. Okay, mama gonna drive away, and once you do, your tooth's gonna come with. Mom, I'm scared. Don't be scared, baby. I know that's gonna happen. Alright, ready Plum? One, two, three.
Oh no, her tooth did come out. And so did a whole bunch of her other tooth too, so... Mission 2 accomplished, I guess.
Plum, are you alive? Are you mad at me? I didn't mean it. I swear.
Does this mean I'm gonna get visit from the big man? I don't have time for all that tooth fairy Santa Easter Bunny nonsense, so I just call him all the big man. The big man? Yeah! Yeah, the big man, he gonna break in, and he gonna take them teeth, and he gonna leave nothing. I look like one of them scare pumpkins.
Here baby, suck on this. What is it? It's a pussy mob. A pushpot? That's what I said.
Now, I'm not covered for dental, or health, or car. I only got tornado insurance, okay?
Because it's like, have you ever seen Twister? Fuck that shit.
So, we went to the store to see what teeth we could find. These could be teeth.
Hey, mama, look it! Oh, my little girl's turnin' into a full grown draculae. All right, little miss, now give us a big smile. Ah, okay, does she wanna take out the vampire teeth first? I'm afraid that's all I do, she had the moment. All right, well, three, two, okay.
Yikes, wow. I think she's bleeding at the gums. Uh-oh, ah, very bad. What's in the shoebox? Plum, don't! Oh, he's sick. Oh, there's a bat in the shoebox. Oh, God, this is terrifying.
In the end, some of them photos weren't too glamorous, but we did get a good photo saying come Christmas. You think the big man's going like that plum? Yeah, he's gonna come to my house and he's gonna eat our cookies and he's gonna leave us nothing. Mm-hmm, you can count on that. |
dropout | hardly_working_the_cartoon_iii | I could go around just fucking people, go to 2050. I think girls are only going to get hotter. We're going to evolve so much that girls aren't going to have just one awesome set of boobs. They'll have boobs on their back. I'm like playing with four boobs all at once. I just have like vaginas up and down their legs, you know? That is awesome.
No, I would go back and I could kill Hitler. I could change the course of history, you know? Or save Lincoln. Or I could get Lincoln to kill Hitler.
Or best of all, I could get both of them and have them fight for my amusement. Oh, but that's that is when Martin Luther King comes in. Round two. I think to like Shakespearean times. But then I would probably get beheaded really fast or in trouble because I'd be trying to do all the things that men do. To the Wild West, show Wild Bill my blackberry and stuff like that and just see how it freaks him out. Oh my god, Mr. Bill, I'm a huge fan. I watch Deadwood. I would be the man because I would tell him I knew how he was going to die.
I'd say, look, don't ever don't play cards. Lock yourself in the room.
I don't know. Maybe everything would be different. I'd love to go back to ancient Rome, but it would be boring because there'd be no internet. So what I do is I didn't vent the internet and then I'd get rich. Maybe go to some group vomiting room, then an orgy or you know what, probably the orgy then the vomiting. Maybe I would go back to like medieval times, right? When everyone was malnourished, I'm a pretty big guy, 6'2, 225. So I would be like the biggest man in the land, you know, and I could just be like the best warrior and like I probably would become king. I'd weigh my options.
I'd say the Vikings travel and rape a lot. That's good. The Huns are more land-based force who rape a lot. That's also good because a lot of times sea travel is not that exciting, especially in the North Sea. I'd like to go and find like a past version of myself just to sort of mess with somehow and create like an alternate timeline, like a fifth dimension within my own life where something completely different happens. |
TheOnion | New_Report_Shows_Record_Year_For_Births_Of_Test_Tube_Abominations | Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor colosseum to watch a patient battle cancer. Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat. The one news program that exists solely as a product of your deranged and fevered psyche. This is the Onion Week in Review. According to a new report released this week by the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, a record number of test tube abominations were born in the year 2012, with more and more couples across the nation choosing to produce mutants who should never have been born. The organization claims that clinics nationwide created over 61,000 scientific horrors throughout the year, higher than any previous systematic attempt to pervert the laws of nature. In the past, couples would at least hesitate before taking the sickening plunge of embarking on this grotesque and unnatural process. But now the huge surge in these repulsive weirdos leads me to conclude that the entire aberrant act has truly become mainstream.
While stressing that they would absolutely never consider doing anything of the sort, German leaders quietly admitted this week that they were pretty sure they could carry out another Holocaust if they ever truly wanted to. Quickly noting that the Holocaust was an atrocity that should never be repeated, no matter how easy it would be to do so, almost all members of the German parliament discreetly conceded that with their country's dominance of Eurozone GDP, pulling off the unthinkable genocide would not be the least bit difficult. Look, we're obviously not going to do this. But I'm just saying, hypothetically, that we very easily could do it. I mean, we definitely have the infrastructure, and the concentration camps are still standing. Would it be the Jews again? I'm not sure. It certainly could be. Anyway, I really shouldn't be talking about this, but it's just something to think about.
With the hope of shaking up their psychologically taxing relationship, local couple Alison Fry and Peter Hartman said this week that they had agreed to an open relationship that freed them to emotionally drain others from time to time. Praising the arrangement for liberating them to place their burdens and insecurities upon new partners, the couple admitted to already successfully engaging in several destructive flings, both in person and online. Of course there was a time when I couldn't imagine saddling anyone but Peter with my extensive emotional baggage and trust issues, but now that we've tried it... The best part is, when we're back together, all we really want to do is drain the living shit out of each other.
And in sports news, emergency crews attempt to rescue an Olympic figure skater who fell through the ice, and the U.S. advances to the women's hockey. Hey, get the fuck back here, you sexist asshole. In other news, a so-called Christian has an erection, a new study finds more children are growing up in single-parent households, and a real-life Nancy Drew traces the source of her HPV. Watching this video is accomplishment enough. Now take the next week off to relax and really soak in all the great things you've learned. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | 6_origins_of_famous_superhero_memes_even_dumber_in_context_canonball | Superhero movies are full of moments that are powerful and epic and inspiring, and others that aren't. But let's face it, a lot of you watching this right now didn't encounter these classic characters for the first time through their movies, or their shows, or their action-packed video games, or even their subway tie-in comics. Be honest, you met them through their memes.
There's nothing the internet loves more than taking an old comic book panel and laughing at how stupid it looks out of context. But plot twist, sometimes that context is even stupider. We're talking about the Joker's boner fixation, Captain America's public wanking, and the time Batman got slap-happy with his little buddy. This is cannonball. 6.
The Joker and Batman's Boner War. Sooner or later, everyone with an internet connection is exposed to the, I'll show them how many boners the Joker can make, panel, the product of a more innocent time when the word boner meant mistake. As in, boy, it sure was a boner to say boner like 30 times in this Batman comic. Batman number 66 from 1951 is packed with more boners than a bumpy bus ride. In the story, the Joker not only pulls off a series of crimes based on famous boners from history, as in blunders, you weirdos, but he also tries to force Batman into a boner of his own. Robin and Commissioner Gordon are quite worried about the boner that Joker has in store for Batman, but Batman doesn't seem terribly concerned about the veritable boner storm coming his way. In order to stop the Joker, Batman and Robin decide to study the great boners of all time. The story ends when the Joker gets so distracted thinking about Batman's boner that he fails to notice his own. In the end, not even the comic's token teenager wants to hear the word boner again, which is probably the biggest boner of all.
And while we're on that tasteful subject. 5.
Captain America is commanded to wank. If the Marvel movies were completely accurate, every time Chris Evans tosses his shield, you'd hear a guy yelling the word wank. Stand back, it's wanking time. Yep, according to 1989's Captain America number 366, that's officially the sound effect Captain America's shield makes. Personally, we think it's more of a wang or a dong, but that would be gross. Wank, wank, wank. And yet, what's even more unnerving than Captain America wanking everywhere. Under the comic's own logic, the villains could actually have commanded Cap to wank for real, exposing the readers to a very different kind of super soldier serum.
I seem to be a bit stiff. You see, the dude getting bossy with Captain America in that classic panel is called The Voice. And his buddy, who's going to need dental surgery, is the controller. The latter sounds like a villain who can make superheroes spontaneously develop Nintendo-thumb. But no, both characters have the power to control minds. I am ready to obey your every command. Meaning that technically they do have the ability to make other people jerk it on demand, if that would help everyone get real relaxed so they could take over the world or whatever.
So we're lucky that Cap didn't drop his pants right there. So who knows, maybe Chris Evans left the franchise because they asked him to recreate this scene and he said, No, no, I don't think I will. Wank. Cap might be kind of a prude, but there are other Marvel characters who love to get, uh, horny.
Number four, Dr. Doom, toot says he pleases. Ah yes, the moment Dr. Doom cemented his status as the most evil being in the Marvel Universe by tooting a horn. Despite specifically being told not to. If you're thinking this was part of some sinister plan that was taken out of context to make Doom look ridiculous, nope. This entire comic is ridiculous. Because it was part of Spidey Super Stories, a series designed to hook six year olds on Marvel Comics by introducing them to fun characters like that guy who wants to kill half the universe and also owns a helicopter with his name on it. You know, so it can be returned to him in case he ever misplaces it. Anyway, Spidey number 53 from 1981 starts with Dr. Doom running into Namor, Prince of Atlantis, and immediately proposing that they conquer the world together. Namor doesn't feel like it because he probably had other swimming related stuff to do that day, so Doom slaps a mind control collar on him and forces him to fight Spidey, as the comic solely refers to him because Marvel thought the word Spider-Man was too complicated for their target audience. Later, Doom is captivated by a horn hanging in Namor's throne room and rudely blows on it against Namor's wishes. This causes a large underwater creature to show up, possibly because its mating call happens to sound like toot. Doom looks at the monster, which is barely bigger than a truck, and announces that he'll use it to conquer the entire world... somehow. This scene makes way more sense if the horn is actually the Atlantean equivalent of a meth pipe and Doom is completely tripping balls. Luckily for mankind, Namor breaks the toot horn with Spidey's help, causing the monster to drag a helpless Doom to his underwater lair. At this point, the quote-unquote heroes just sort of assume that Doom must have enough air in his armor for whatever the monster is planning to do with him down there, so they don't even try to help him. That's what you get when you toot Namor's things without permission.
It's always important to get consent when dealing with these tricky situations. Always look for affirmative phrases, like... Number 3. Superman's Punish Me Daddy! If you hadn't seen this one before, well, good luck forgetting it now.
This panel is from 1971's World's Finest No. 201 by Denny O'Neill, a writer acclaimed for spicing up superhero comics with socially relevant topics like drugs and racism. In this case, the social issue O'Neill wanted to raise awareness of was, what if Superman and Green Lantern were complete dumbasses?
I must kiss you to erase your memories.
The story starts with Supes and Lantern arguing over who gets to stop a meteor shower. They hold a contest to determine who gets to be Earth's protector. Part of the contest involves facing a vision of their biggest fears. Green Lantern sees a big yellow spider, because he's yellow-phobic, obviously.
And Superman sees his dad, who's now a giant, and wants to spank him. Why? Because he's disappointed in Superman for becoming a superhero instead of a scientist, and not even Superman is immune to nagging parents who think he should have gone to med school. Sure, he saves way more people in his current job, but he probably still can't get into the fancy country clubs. Superman agrees that he screwed up with his career choice and lets himself be spanked for a while, before slowly realizing that his giant, undead dad is probably an illusion.
Of course, the whole competition turns out to be an elaborate ruse by a villain, so in the end, no one's the winner. Well, except comic book readers with a very specific finish. And if the internet has shown us anything, some of you guys are now winners, too.
By the way, speaking of super family members smacking each other around, number two. The Fantastic Four's domestic abuse problem. No, this panel wasn't created just to be used as a reaction image during internet arguments. It comes from Fantastic Four number 280 and 281 from 1985, in which the invisible woman is brainwashed and turned into an S&M-loving villain called Malice. Malice, mistress of hate. Chingy. In fact, all of New York City is being mind controlled into becoming uncharacteristically violent and rude.
But, for some reason, she's the only one who wears a sexy outfit, something Marvel's female heroes keep doing. Although you do look fetching in black.
But his mind controlled wife shows up to stop him. Reed, being a genius, realizes that her feelings are simply inverted. And she's only acting like that because deep down, she loves him. Adorable. Less adorably, Reed decides that the best way to break the spell is to make or hate him.
And the best way to do that is to talk like a YouTuber ranting about feminism. Unfortunately, words alone don't seem to be working, so our hero slaps his wife. You know, for the good of mankind. This sets her right, and she's back in his arms in no time. So the moral here is, sometimes you have to slap a B-word for her own good. Because B-words be crazy.
A perfectly sensible storyline and definitely not something that was written backwards from the slapping panel after the artist drew it for his own personal amusement one night. And speaking of slapping those weaker than us. Number one, Batman slaps a child. An annoying one, but still, a child. Long after all other Batman media is forgotten, the image of a guy in a pointy-eared cowl slapping a child while yelling, my parents are dead, will continue spreading throughout the cosmos. What you might not know is that the slap is like the least insane part of that story.
World's Finest number 153 from 1965 is a, quote, imaginary story which shows us what would happen if Batman grew up thinking his dad was murdered by Superboy. An extremely specific question no comic book reader had ever wondered about, ever. In this reality, Bruce Wayne becomes Batman for the specific purpose of screwing with Superman.
When Robin tells him that's the stupidest thing he's ever heard, Batman not only slaps the little brat, but also wipes his memory and sends him back to the orphanage with all the regret of someone returning a defective Furby. We're guessing he also left the orphanage a negative Yelp review for hooking him up with such a dud in the first place.
Shockingly, it turns out that Superboy didn't murder a rich Gotham City doctor for no reason. A young Lex Luthor accidentally did it while clumsily piloting a remote-controlled Superboy robot. Upon realizing that he's been living a lie, Batman goes, whoops, and breaks Superman out of the Kryptonite case, getting shot by Luthor in the process. Batman dies moments later, at peace with the fact that Superman was innocent and also that he's a massive moron who wasted his entire life.
As for Robin, presumably he was haunted by inexplicable nightmares about a giant man-baby slapping him for the rest of his miserable amnesiac existence. OK, the end. Bye, comics kids. The jerker. How do you even come back from something like that?
Oh, hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. If you liked it, make sure you hit like, hit subscribe, ring the bell, and jump in the comments and let us know about some of your favorite comic book memes. Memes?
That's a stupid word. |
dropout | the_adventures_of_kim_jong_un_part_2 | The rest of the world doesn't believe it. We blame your old enemy, Western Media. Today's top story. Kim Jong Un's juggling skills do not impress women. I don't know how much longer I could print these filthy lies.
Our liberator has arrived! Ah! Blood goblins! Attack! He's too strong! Retreat to the comment section! It's Avenger man Robert Downey Jr. He's Kim Jong Un's best friend. Uh, duh. KJ, my man! I brought you your own Iron Man armor. You need more power! Take this, my ally! Please, be merciful.
I was just jealous. He's juggling so magnificent. Those lessons weren't a waste of time at all.
When journalism is dying, dying dead.
I actually brought you one more thing. It's from your dad. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Albo_s_Trip_A_Tear_Jerker_A_Cold_Shoulder_More_July_8 | Thank you for joining us. We love having you here. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate. You've got the rising talent in the cadetship space. In the shape of Effie Bateman, thank you for joining us, Effie.
How are you? Yeah, I'm good. How are you, Clancy? I'm well, thank you.
And thank you for filling in for Wendell Hussey, who... Snapped it again. He snapped it again. A bit more of a tear this time, I'm led to believe. He needs some sort of reconstruction to his banjo string. Don't know much about this world or that procedure. I just wish him the best. And of course, we're joined by editor-at-large, Earl Parker.
How are you, mate? Good, mate.
I actually popped over to Wendell's last night and had a look at the scar. It seemed to be healing well. But yeah, look, he's back on his feet. No, they use that surgical glue. Okay. Yeah, so he's just getting some feeling back. I had that when I got hit in the eyebrow with a ping pong bat and they gave me that. Yeah, similar feeling, I imagine. Yeah. But yeah, it worked for you? Yeah, it did. Yeah, hopefully it worked for him. No scar, so he might be lucky. Yeah, no scars down there.
Anyway, what's in the news this week, Effie? Alright, so starting off and the headline reads, is this Hawaii 2.0?
Albanese enjoys decadent European holiday in Ukraine during the Sydney floods. Yes, Anthony fly overseas, the Albanese is under fire this week for skirting his responsibilities as Prime Minister by opting to take an unannounced holiday in Ukraine rather than helping Australian stuck in the middle of a natural disaster. While that natural disaster did happen when he was already landing in Ukraine, that hasn't stopped the opposition and Murdoch media from claiming that Albanese is holidaying while his home state is in floods. Well, the government has tried to claim that the trip was a quote secret because it's supposedly dangerous in a war zone, but they faced a PR nightmare after photos emerged of Albanese indulging in a European holiday as he gallivanted around the war-weary streets of Kiev and Erpin.
Yeah, there was a comment on that one from Chris Tobone, he said holding a hose would just make things worse in this situation. That was pretty clever mate, pretty insensitive to those stuck in the floods, but we'd love to have a bit of feedback from our readers. And staying on this topic now, and President Zelensky has been moved to tears after hearing about Albanese's humble upbringing in Camperdown. Yes, this is despite all of the distress and trauma caused by a full-scale Russian invasion of his beloved homeland, Ukrainian President Vladimir Zelensky has impressed the world this week with his ability to appreciate just how tough things were in the inner west in Sydney, in the council flats in particular during the 70s and 80s. Yes, a bit of a bromance fostered between the Ukrainian leader and Albanese, with Zelensky moved to tears upon hearing about the trials and tribulations that a young Albo faced as he was cutting around the ungentrified streets of Camperdown, well before he left the house of flats and went to Sydney Uni to become a professional lefty. We've got an exclusive quote here from the chat, Zelensky doing his best to speak English while also holding back tears said, I don't know how you did it. I guess that really puts things into perspectives for us here in Ukraine.
And next, gays have been told to take a hike as corporations rush to swap Pride Month symbolism for NAIDOC symbolism. In line with the last decade of progressive neoliberal performances, the top end of town is making sure to acknowledge the contributions of Australia's First Nations people in their own special way. Yes, not by hiring any of them of course, but by plastering the red, black and yellow colours on every corporate logo they can. And unfortunately for the LGBTQI community, that means all those rainbow flags and logos need to be pulled down ASAP. Unfortunately the gays will have to wait another 11 months until it's their turn again to exist. Well at least they got a month mate.
And lastly, Jetstar has informed passengers mid-flight that the trip has been cancelled. Yes it's alleged this incident occurred a couple hours ago in the flight from Batuna to Perth with passengers stating that they heard a crackle over the intercom and the captain revealed that the flight was cancelled and that they'd be descending into Port Augusta shortly. Thankfully there were no issues with the landing and Jetstar kindly offered to put them on a flight from Port Augusta to Melbourne in two days time and giving them 50 bucks worth of food and accommodation vouchers.
Good on them. Well Clancy, you know what they say about Port Augusta? It's the Venice of the bite. Really? Is there lots of rats there? No just lots of disrespectful tourists that do not pay the adequate level of respect to the locals. Selfie sticks, all that? Yeah all those American rich billionaires just buying apartments in Port Augusta and you know pushing all of these locals to go and live in in lesser places like Wyangla in the Spencer Gulf. I feel for them. Anyway that's it from us this week. Thank you for tuning in to the Batuta Weekly Bulletin.
I'm Clancy Iverall. I'm Errol Parker. And I'm Matthew Bateman. Hooroo. |
dropout | High_as_Hell_at_Homecoming_GAME | Have you ever done one of these before? No. Bye.
Ah, homecoming weekend. How quaint, except you're crazy high. Worth it. Two secret stoners will attempt to hide their high through homecoming weekend without getting caught and expelled.
Through a series of challenges, a group of citizens will try to sniff them out and eliminate them from the game. Look at his eyes. You're the hog person. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, look at your red eyes. If the stoners can kill off the citizens one by one and be the last two standing, they win. This is Paranoia.
My name's Lauren and I have a non-existent relationship with weed. I've done it when I was in high school, but I just got too high. I would morph into the couch when I sit down. So like after I was like 18, I kind of like just stopped doing it. My name is Parker and I used to smoke a lot in college and I think I burnt myself out on it because now I hate smoking weed. If I'm the stoner, people will probably be able to tell immediately.
Pick up your card and it'll be all yours. All right. There we go.
Each round, the stoners will select a player to eliminate from the game. The other players include three square citizens, a narc who can find out whether a player is stoned, and a medic who can choose one player to protect from elimination. They can even choose themselves as long as it's never twice in a row. Hidden in the group is one poser pretending to be high and taking the heat off the stoners to help them win.
Oh, it's that thing. I've seen this. I've never done it.
You're going to have to really help me with this. I feel like that was like too much. I know right now. It was too much.
Welcome everybody to Paranoia. This week we're going to Homecoming. The campus is filled with old rich people who feel like they personally pay for your financial aid package.
Two people at this table forgot how important this week is, and they are impossibly stoned. To kick things off, we're going to bring you guys a bunch of snacks. Feel free to eat. Don't feel like it will make you look stoned. We've got some chips that aren't branded, and then we've got some equally unbranded candy.
Okay guys, we're going into our first challenge. Everyone remembers the University Fight song, right? Sing these lyrics a capella and find the rhythm among yourselves. Let's bring those lyrics in. Amazing. This is a good challenge. This is easier if you're high. Someone's just like, I got this. Music? Totally. This is heavy duty paper. Thank you. You guys go to a nice school, okay? Alright, get ready. Once you start singing, please don't stop. Let's do it.
And? 1862, four men conquered South Suru. Three of the men came home to one wife. They knew how to save a life.
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend at this university near Michigan.
For honor, for our family, for Donald Fry. Donald Fry is the founder of the school.
He's the white white guy. He's got himself around campus.
We can agree this university will live and live for me. Yay! Alright, we're going to jump right in our first round. For this, we need everyone to close your eyes. Do we have a question? May I say something really quickly? Yes. I just want to say to everybody, if I've ever done anything to upset you, please. Moving right along, moving right along.
Stoners, open your eyes and find each other without moving. Who would you like to kill right off the bat? Okay, great. Close your eyes. Now I would like to talk to the narc. Narc, open up your eyes. Who would you like to know about? Narc. Close your eyes. Let's see the medic. Who would you like to save? Great. Everyone, open up your eyes and shield them.
Because last night someone was ejected from the game. Chris, you're out. No words, I'm sorry.
Come with me this way. Yeah, take a chip with you. You get to go sit up there in our lovely cabana.
That was ridiculous. I thought I was going to lead the attention towards, obviously, who was apparently stoned and like find whoever else was. So Chris is out of the game. If anyone has any allegations right off the bat.
I hate to say it, but can we all just look at Parker's face really quick? It's absolutely Parker. It's 800 million percent Parker.
Interesting. That's a second. That's a third. I have a fourth, fifth.
All right. All right, Parker. One of them because they both clamped up and went. No, it's not Parker. You guys, you get 30 seconds.
What is it about my face? My eyes? What is it about my face?
No question. You just. No, because my shirt's pink. It's mostly your eyes. It probably looks, my eyes probably look a little pink too. You're right. Reflecting off of my shirt. All right, Parker, you get 30 seconds uninterrupted.
Why aren't you a stoner? Who believes it? Oh, really? What we need this for? Because we know he's hot. We need to figure out who the other person is. So how do y'all react to it? You almost. I don't know what you're talking about. One of them's the poser. One's the stoner, right? I mean.
I heard the most raucous, disgusting coughing I've ever heard in my life.
And I think I know who's it was. If you think it's me, it was me. I think it was Parker. In case there was any doubt. You might be the other guy. We already decided this. What we're trying to figure out right now is who's the second person. No, Lauren, for sure. I think it's me. Lauren, for sure.
She's been silent. She smells like tangled passion fruit.
I'm tired all day. I'm tired still, you know. Liar. Quiet.
No, Lauren's eyes, I can tell a little bit. She's my second choice.
I think you're either the stoner or the poser. I'm definitely not. I'm just like. Okay. You're not running the game. What are you doing? 30 seconds is over.
Everyone close your eyes. This will be a blind voting because justice is blind.
If who thinks Parker is high, raise your hands. And put your hands down. Great. I know I made it blind, but it was unanimous. Parker, you are out. Thank you so much. Parker, what were you? I was one of the stoners. Good riddance. Bye, Parker. Parker was very talkative before this game started.
This game is the quietest. Exactly. There were no words about how it was so far.
I feel like the fact that he smoked right before it made my eyes super puffy. And I knew I had this game if I was going to be anything but the stoner because it's just always so physically noticeable with me. And so I feel like that put me at a huge disadvantage.
Moving right along, we go right into our next challenge. A new mascot. Some white-haired old bat has rolled into campus with a million dollar check declaring that your current school mascot, the pelican, is too weak. You have three minutes to draw the most masculine mascot imaginable.
Whoa. I'm impressed that you said that. Maculent mascot. Imaginable. Yeah.
Are you hot? I think he laughed at the other stoner.
I'm not though. He threw Parker out of the bus though. I'm not hot. I'm not trying to throw you off. I'm not hot.
You've been going hard on these snacks and you waited until I took a bite before you even took your first one. Exactly. Wait.
Let the record show that Rolf is drawing his on the eraser. What? What are you doing? Oh no. You think this is a table?
Honestly, that's so cute. If you're the poser, that's the biggest power play I've ever seen in my life. I know. Oh my God. That was real.
Do you have a favorite? Will you pull your shirt up and go like this? For like a big, strong, masculine muscle. Yeah, you got it. All right. Ruha, how about you start?
I don't want to fight it. I just put a tiger because I was just thinking of some Frosted Flakes just now. And I was like, that's the most masculine like creature. So that's what I went with. Totally the tiger, but you know, for our school. All right, great. I decided to stay with the pelican just because I'm a traditionalist.
But it's, so it's a pelican drinking its own tears. And then it's saying, don't look, don't look. It's drinking the tears so that no one will see the tears.
And I think I may have overdone it. I drew, I tried to draw a chain. I did a fun little flexing bicep costume.
Here are his little legs and eyes. And also there's a little kissy mouth, like, oh. Look at my sexy big nose. He's kissing his own guns.
No, someone else's theoretically. That looks exactly like my arm too. You know, it was perfect. How do you draw? Just period. I drew, well the first, should I, no. Yeah, no. What are you doing? Oh, let's just pretend this never happened. So my first thing was Mike Tyson. I thought we were supposed to draw it on this thing.
Cause I don't need an eraser. You just made a mistake. You made a mistake on an eraser. Can we redraw him saying, oh, I just didn't need an eraser as our definition of masculinity.
And then did you redraw Mike Tyson? Yes, I redrew a bigger. More than a half times bigger. Mike Tyson has really big breasts.
Yeah. All right, next up. I also have a flexing bicep, but I gave it some angry eyes and some teeth and I gave it a double bicep and some rocket boosters. And then it's over a volcano and there's a dude just going, oh, in the side. Cause I think you need that.
Like what is masculinity like in a void? It doesn't mean anything.
You need someone like who's like reacting off of it. I'm so sorry to ask this, but whose is better? It's really a hard question. I know someone from one of the studios that would really like talk to you.
I've got a whole cast of characters in there. They're ready to go. All right, we're going to go right into the next thing.
Everyone close your eyes. Stoners, open up your eyes.
Who would you like to kill? Great. Narc. Who would you like to know about, Narc? Great. Okay.
Medic, open up your eyes. Who would you like to save? Everyone open up your eyes.
Last night, someone was ejected from the game and that person is Ruha. Ruha, I'm sorry. Make your way to the cabana. I should not have saved myself probably very first cause I think I was doing a good job guessing and I wasn't that surprised cause I had come for her. It's accusation time. I'm highly suspicious of Raph.
I think it's you. I think it's Lauren. I think it's one of them.
Cause neither of them jumped on Parker. Yes. You also did not jump on Parker.
Who drew on the eraser?
That's true. I'm sorry like. That doesn't matter. Are you the narc? That's old news. Come on. I refuse to answer anymore questions.
I think Raph might be the poser. He's the medic. I think that Lauren might be the stoner. I think the loner.
But also like we could end this right here now. You're tripping over your words. You're out of the gate hot. I think that Lauren. Jumping at me. I don't know man. You're coming a little strong.
And just cause I'm mellow and I'm keeping my composure right now. Just cause I'm like a chill person everyone wants to hang out with.
I thought I heard you come back as the third person. You smelled like mango. I know there's no mango around here. But I know you hate fruit. And then you went. There's no mango in this part of the world. The African swimmer. You went. Well we all smell like freeze.
Look are you gonna nominate her? I nominate. I nominate Lauren. Second it.
You're so hot on this. Why are you so. What do you think? What are you so weak about this right now? Because now you're freaking me out. Making me think that you're the stoner.
I feel like I trust you. I don't know if this is wrong on my part. But I feel like. No you don't. No he's lying. This feels right.
I don't know about these three. Guys listen to me. I'm not. Remember when you didn't listen to me before?
I'm gonna say I'll second that. I'll second that.
It is Lauren. It's Lauren.
You're gonna guilt trip me into it. I don't know man.
Lauren has an official second. If you guys don't vote for her to be ejected from the game you have one more shot.
I've kind of stayed the same. I've been very like you know just relaxed. I came here relaxed.
I can't even. So. I'm just chilling. Is he hot? That's the first time. I can't tell. I don't know you. I'm not high.
Lauren is high. Lauren is clearly high.
You know that she is.
I mean I agree but. Just go with it. Everyone close your eyes. Yeah. Wow. That was over completely. That was beyond rude. This was for Lauren. You guys didn't even give me a chance so. Yeah that was messed up. I don't know. If you think Lauren is high vote now. Wow. All right. Eyes open. Lauren I'm sorry but you are out of the game.
What were you? I was the stoner. Oh you guys won. All right citizens won but I will say Raf lost as the poser. You were a terrible poser.
Oh that's how it goes? Oh yeah. You're on your own team. You're trying to get kicked out as a stoner. Dope. Now get out of my backyard. I'm going to be honest with you.
I do not understand how this game works. Somehow it didn't get to me that I was supposed to be on the stoner side as the poser. I thought that basically the poser you just. I guess I just thought you win.
I don't know. Yeah now that I think about it. Yeah. I should have looked over the rules a little harder. |
dropout | summer_of_music_too_many_pools | Yeah, you made it, this is the right entrance It's all mine, money built this house You jealous?
I know you is Come on with me, we gon' start in the garage I got a race car, I got a white bar, I got a tiger, I got another tiger, I got a rope fight, I got an army tank I got a piggy bank, so big that it's a ball back For sure, I got 16 pools, I got such rough when my friends come over thinkin' pools to they self I got pool toes, I got pool lights I got a waterfall, so loud it keeps me up nice But only 16 pools ain't fun in games, it's 16 times you work to maintain Gotta clean them all, gotta go to them all Cause every night it takes an hour to discover miles You can't think of these as a kitchen appliance You gotta know all this aquatic science Got your chlorine, got your TDS Got your alkalinity at 90 p.m.
Honestly, all of that was over my head So I high stacked to do what it stands I got lifeguards, I got pool bulls I got a storage guy who manages the pool toes Yeah, I was payin' them somethin' like 7 and out Then they went on strike and they got piles They got health care, they got thinkin' They got retirement accounts in 401K In turn, it was almost enough to run me into the ground Then one of my pool boards up and dry I got shoes, I got a noir In turn, then I lost because I liable as employers In turn, so now I got all these signs by the pools And if you wanna swim, you must obey them booboos No running, no diving, no horse playing, no alcohol No minors, no tigers, no enemy eat Gotta wait at least to know whoa I wish I wasn't prepared for this kind of responsibility, monza Probably would've been smarter than this or something Like an interest bearing account Maybe go half on a restaurant, you know, silent partner Y'all fin' |
cracked | every_upworthy_video_ever | I can't believe that this is actually happening. How do you feel? I'm nervous. I'm really, really nervous. I don't know what to expect.
Well, let me take off the bandages. Just don't open your eyes right away, okay?
Okay. It's going to be very bright, a little extreme. Okay? Okay.
I can see you.
Thank God you're pretty. Thank you.
Hey, little brother. You son of a bitch. You were here for this. Did I miss you so much?
I can see now. I know.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, come on. Oh, God. He can't breathe. Oh, God. He can't breathe.
Oh, God.
He can't breathe. He can't.
All right. Crack has told me that I can't bully you into subscribing. So this is Sorin Bui saying I'm sorry.
Hey! Nerd! Hey! |
dropout | find_zac_he_s_streaming_from_somewhere_in_los_angeles_live | Hello! Hi, I'm Zach Oyama, and welcome to another edition of College Humor on YouTube Live.
Today we're going to be playing a little bit of a game called Find Zach. It's a simple game, really. If you find me, you get this TV, which is a big 55-inch 4K awesome TV that I wish I had. So over the course of this stream, you'll get some clues, and the first person to find me and say, I found you Zach Oyama gets this TV. Oh yeah, and I'm in Los Angeles, so sorry if you're in another city, unless you are willing to drive here right now. And, you know, the odds for you are pretty slim, to be honest.
But we're getting started, okay? I'll give you your first clue right now. Over the course of this, we're going to, you know, every five minutes or so give people clues. So here we go. Let's get started. First clue.
It could be said it is located on the main drag of LA. It could be said that it is located on the main drag of LA.
That's your first clue. There's going to be a lot of downtime in this stream, as there is nothing happening other than me waiting for people to find me. I can't really tell you anything else about this place, so I'm going to check my phone and see if anyone has checked in on these tweets that I've sent out about this. See if there's anything else going on. Okay. Got a couple of likes. I Instagrammed my tweet about it, just to try to cover as much ground as possible.
Yes, he is in Los Angeles. Somebody was asking if you were. I am in Los Angeles. The city of Los Angeles, if you're here, come find me.
That first clue again, that first clue again is it could be considered, it could be said it is located on the main drag of LA. That's the first clue again.
Just in case you were wondering, there is a reason I'm sitting against this little white wall, just so you don't recognize anything about this place, so that it does a little harder. Okay. Any other questions? Anything coming in?
Someone's asking if you listen to Red Hot Chili Peppers. Not so much lately. There's a time in my life where I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Huge Red Hot Chili Peppers. That was about maybe 12 years ago, if I'm being honest, maybe a little longer. They're great.
I can't really play. In fourth grade, I played the drums for a little bit. That's as far as my musical prowess goes.
Man, I can't believe, then why did you want to know that? Any other questions? Anybody have anything else?
Someone wants to know if you're in a Walmart. I don't know if I should answer questions like this, but for this first one, I'll say, no, I'm not in a Walmart.
How about that? I'm not going to give you clues on here. If you just have any general questions, besides the written out clues that I have, I probably won't answer clues off of the comments. How about that?
You can also tweet at me. While I'm just sitting here, I could probably talk to you. Seems like a good use of this time.
Remember, you have to say, I found you Zachoyama. Otherwise, you could just be a guy walking by who noticed me, and I'm sitting next to a big TV, and probably was like, what's that about? That doesn't count. You have to knowingly be playing this game. At Bohemian Genesis says, find Zachoyama.
Not so much of a comment on the situation or a question even, but I appreciate it. Someone wants to know what your Twitter is. Oh, yeah, my Twitter is at Zachoyama on Twitter.
So it's Z-A-C-O-Y-A-M-A. It's just a Z-A-C, Zach. There's a lot of different ways to spell Zach. Some people are C-K-C-H. Some people are just a K if they're crazy. But CACs would have always been. So Zach at Zachoyama.
Anything else?
A lot of people are just saying that they found you, just by virtue of watching this stream. You have to find me in person. How do you think I'm going to get you the TV if you just found me? I'm not shipping you a TV. You have to find me in person, dummy. Nick Daconig wants to know, what if no one finds you? Then I get an awesome TV, you know?
Please, no one find me. I hope no one finds me. I mean, you'll eventually find me.
I've heard these clues. I think it's been about... Yeah, okay, let's get the second clue going. It is a business. They're going to get a little more specific as the stream goes on, but for now, the clues are it could be said it is located on the main drag of LA and it is a business. So that's two clues down.
We'll see how long this takes. I really... I have no idea if someone will find me in the next four minutes or the next seven hours. So I'm going to be vamping for a long time to various varying degrees of successfulness, as you can tell already. Let's check checking back in with Twitter.
I feel like a host of a game show. That's a new like millennial game show. It's a game show. There's a prize.
All right, yeah. Scott Shue, the captain Shue says, I'm in Missouri. Can you come here?
No, I'm sorry. I can't. I mean, I physically can, but maybe not for this.
Maybe one day I'll go to Missouri and I'll let you know. Reginald Trenchdick says, exactly how many hairs do you have in your right hand? I don't know. How many do you have in your right hand? Who knows that? I don't know. Probably. Why am I even entertaining this? I just have the time, I guess. I would say probably around 100 hairs on my right hand. Yeah.
What is my favorite animal from at moist underscore dog?
That's really hard. That's a really hard question.
I would have to say, God, been on a bit of an otter kick lately. Really appreciate otters. They're very cute. They move through the water with such elegance. They sleep with their babies on them and hold hands with other otters while they sleep. That's really amazing.
I wish I could float in the water like that. I'm not a great swimmer. I don't feel like I could win any sort of swimming race. I can swim. I don't mean to say I'm a bad, like an awful swimmer, but I've never been able to brag about my swimming. For that, I appreciate the otter.
At Chris Sandoval says, aren't you scared? I'm very scared because who's going to come in that door? Who will find me? It could be just a normal person or maybe a terrifying person.
We'll find out soon enough. Remember, I guess I'll just keep reminding people. You have to say, I found you, Zach Oyama. Otherwise, it won't count.
Someone wants to know, are there any pokestops nearby?
I don't know. I deleted my Pokemon Go. I feel like I hit a tipping point with it. It just wasn't for me after a little bit, and I kind of felt like I wasn't getting much out of it for the work I was putting into it. So I don't know.
I'm imagining there are probably some. I'll say that. Just because they're everywhere. Okay.
A lot of people are just commenting, I found you, Zach Oyama. You didn't find me. Why do you think you found me? You have to find me in person.
I'll keep saying that, too. That's confusing. This guy named Harrison Hedge says, is it scone or scone? I don't know what that means, but it did look at it for a really long time. Just talk loud. Oh, yeah. Is it scone or scone? I don't know what that means. On first glance, I was pretty sure that they were spelled differently.
It's honestly like a trick with my eyes, but it's just the same. This is uninteresting.
Grant O'Brien from College Humor says, plug my Twitter. And so instead, I'm going to plug Mike Trapp's Twitter, at Mike W. Trapp, T-R-A-P-P. Instead of Grant O'Brien, don't look for him.
Okay. Next clue.
Remember, we're in Los Angeles. The first two clues being, it could be said to be located on the main drag of LA. It is a business. The third clue is, the neighborhood is downtown. So if you're near downtown LA, come try to find me and win a 55-inch television.
It's got 4K. I'm not 100% sure what 4K means, but I know it's a good thing, right? As far as TVs go, you want more Ks. You want the number in front of your K to be higher. Let's see, anything else in here?
How long are you going to stay there, is what Elias Spraga says on Twitter. I'm going to be here until someone finds me. So, yeah, find me.
Maybe that's hours. Maybe that's like two minutes from now.
This guy at Court Cat says, why don't you do this in The Hague? Perhaps if you know the country so I could. I don't know what The Hague is. I'm going to be honest. It sounds familiar, but I don't know where that is. I mean, maybe if this goes well, I'll do it in The Hague next time.
Yeah, let's do that. So make this one go well. Let's see.
Harrison Hedge says, Skon was different pronunciation. So I don't know. What is the other pronunciation of Skon? Skon?
That's wrong. What are you talking about? Some people guessing. Oh.
Someone asking about Hotel Transylvania, because I guess it's on the box of this TV. This is something I mentioned earlier. Not on the live stream, but I tried to watch Hotel Transylvania 2, having not seen the first one, couldn't figure it out. It's a big buy-in of a premise that I wasn't figuring out. But I mean, I'm not the smartest guy. Maybe that's just on me to try to pay attention to a movie more closely. But I don't know. If you see Hotel Transylvania 2 and you get a little confused, if you haven't seen the first one, I mean, let me know so I don't feel alone.
All right. Let's see. Any more? Okay. Jim the Cucumber. I will, you know, maybe one day I'll do this in Colorado. Sorry. I'm not there right now. Okay. Let's see. Do you want me to, next clue? Yeah, go for it. All right. Next clue. Remember. Yeah.
The next clue is, it is not open right now. The business that we are in is not open right now.
How about that? So think about that.
And, you know, I'll keep looking at tweets and stuff. A lot of my friends are tweeting at me.
And you can't be my friend, by the way. I should say that. You can't know me in real life because that seems like an unfair advantage. And I'm sorry, you know, get mad at me if you want. I just respect this game too much to let you have this TV.
Okay. Sheesh.
If it's not open, how is somebody supposed to get in? I mean, it's not open. Like, they're not a business that's functioning right now, but you can walk inside of it because we're here, right? It's just like not also working as a business at this moment. That's what I mean by not open.
The man just ran by, but it was a guy jogging. He wasn't looking for me.
Little did he know he could have won this big old TV. And I feel like I have to keep saying this, but you have to say, I found you Zacho Yama. Okay.
What else is going on? What else is going on in the news?
Someone has deduced that there's a window there. There's definitely a window here. You got it. That is, you know, depending on how, how close you've been paying attention. That could be a huge clue that there's a window here.
Uh, you know, sorry, vengeance. Your name is vengeance.
Uh, I've, you know, maybe we'll do New York next time. Uh, but for now, if you're in Los Angeles, come find me. Uh, let's see.
Someone asked if Adam Sandler can be here. Uh, I mean, he's not, but he could. Uh, that would be great if Adam Sandler ran into this room and said, I found you. That's my Adam Sandler impression, by the way.
Oh God. Okay. The Hague wise, uh, in the Netherlands, which is a country next to Germany, the UK and Belgium. Okay. Thank you for clearing that up. I appreciate that. Um, okay. What else we got? Uh, yeah.
Hopefully one day we'll do this in Sweden. Let's do a lot of people in other countries wanting me to play this, which is great. I would love to tour the world, uh, having people try to find me.
Uh, but for now, you know, it's here. We're, we're in the middle of the first one. Give me a break. You guys are coming down on me pretty hard. Uh, Connecticut. Okay. Yeah. We'll do it in Connecticut. Hopefully. Come on guys. Just be in LA.
Uh, someone's asking if Sam is behind the camera. He is not. It's not Sam. Sorry.
Uh, Mike trap says, can you show us the rest of the room so we can figure it out Sherlock style? I'm not sure that it's Sherlock style. You would just see the room and know where we are. Unless like there's a version of Sherlock that's super easy and not really clue based so much as just having just being a human being who can understand where they are.
Um, all right. Anything else?
Do it in Ireland. I'd love to do it in Ireland.
Come on, guys. Berlin. Sure. Uh, all right.
Next. Next clue.
The capacity of this place. Uh, fire safety capacity is 245 people. So it's kind of big, right? Uh, the capacity is 245 people as dictated by the, you know, fire marshal. So we're looking for a place downtown that's kind of big.
There you go. That's pretty good. That's a pretty good clue.
Um, man, I'm really jealous of this TV. I have a TV that's around that big, but definitely a little older. Uh, this has Chromecast built in. I guess that's great. Uh, I said 4k already. It says ultra HD. There's a lot of words on here that I don't really understand, but I recognize are probably a good thing as far as like, you know, wanting a TV goes.
I keep seeing people go by and thinking that they're playing, but they're not. There's still time to find me, everyone.
Uh, all right. Let's see. I'm going to check back in. Let's see if there's anything on Instagram. Haven't checked that. All right. Here we go.
Someone said, are you cereal right now? Like, um, the breakfast kind. Uh, yeah, I'm, I'm dead cereal.
Uh, okay. Okay. Someone said they found me with magic, but I don't believe them. Um, okay. All right. Yeah. Instagram's a little bit of a bust on this one. It seems like mostly a Twitter situation. Okay.
Glitch face. Thanks for letting me know 4k is the amount of pixels, 4,000 approximate pixel account. I think I knew that I, um, it was just kind of being dense. Thanks for clarifying though. Uh, Jesus, some dark questions.
Someone wants to know what your Instagram is. Oh, my Instagram is the same as my Twitter at Zachoyama. Um, so there you will find, uh, you know what? I'll say it. I think I'm better at Instagram than I am at Twitter. Uh, I feel like more of a visual person. Um, my Instagram, uh, I, I, I use more often. Follow me on Instagram, right?
This is great. This is exactly what I want.
Get more Instagram Twitter followers by just sitting on the ground.
Uh, okay. Someone said it's been 18 minutes. How do you feel? I feel like I've been here for seven days. Seriously. 18 minutes. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. 20 minutes. Actually. Sheesh. I feel like I honestly feel like I've been here for 45 to an hour. That's not that much longer, I guess. Uh, someone, uh, Alicia, Alicia says, are the Ninja Turtles superheroes? Um, yeah. Yeah.
I think, I think they are. Uh, it is, uh, what, what would you call them if they weren't superheroes? You know, vigilantes? That seems crazy. There are huge like turtles. That's, uh, not giving the fact that they are giant human like turtles much credit.
Um, okay. Oh.
If I could ride any animal across America from sea to shining sea, what would you feed that animal? That's weird. Crazy phrasing of that question. Um, I think I would like to ride across America on an elephant, but only if the elephant's into it because I don't want, you know, that, that can be weird. I feel like sometimes people are weird to elephants. Uh, I think that perspective would be cool and I would feed it like peanuts or whatever elephants eat.
Yeah. Someone says, uh, boil some sprouts and a tail of ox. I don't know. I'm not going to do that. Maybe later. It sounds good, but like, what do you, what do you want from me? I'm sitting on the ground.
Any questions on the stream that I should, um, I'll, I'll, I'll let you know if I, if I see one, uh, well, maybe go, maybe go for another, another hint here. This hint's kind of, all right, here we go. Maybe just do these next two back to back. Okay. So two clues, double clue round.
Also let us know in the comments if anybody's, uh, look, is anybody's out there looking right now. Yeah. Let me know if you're actually looking for me. Um, this TV is truly anyone's game right now.
It seems like, um, it is typically open in the evening in this place. Um, it does serve food and drink. So it is a business downtown that is typically open in the evening and it does serve food and drink.
I think we're zeroing in on something that could be just the location of this place soon enough. So just like, find me already. A couple of people are saying they're looking. Really? A couple comments saying I'm looking. Part of me was like, I wonder if anyone will look for me.
Um, I'm going to take a sip of my coffee and hide the label so you don't know where this place is. And yes, he is actually in Los Angeles. All of these clues are true. What if I was lying to you the whole time? That'd be crazy. No, I'm, I am in LA. We are downtown. The other clues are true as well. Come find me. Um, someone said, are you at Denny's?
It's spelled D-E-N-Y-S. No.
Do the Ninja Turtles have human rights? Wow. I would say they should. I, you know, they are, they have the, the brain capacity of a human. They seem and outside of their appearance, they seem like they have the intelligence of a human. I wouldn't give them human rights if they were up to me. They should have that. Come on. They have a consciousness.
Conscience? Consciousness? You know what I mean. Um, oh, horrible questions on here. How are you?
Thank you, Reagan. I'm good. I'm having a coffee right now.
Can't wait to give this TV away.
Uh, and you know, okay, another tweet from Grant O'Brien. Please plug my Twitter. It's very desperate sounding. Hey, someone came in. Okay. Um, well, I'm just going to, to say once more, Grant, I'm not going to plug your Twitter. Very sorry. Uh, you know what? Okay, fine. Grant. Uh, I'll, I'll, I'll plug your Twitter.
It's at Zachoyama on Twitter. So if you're trying to follow Grant, it's at Zachoyama. D A C O Y A M A. Uh, not at Grant O'Brien or Grant O'B. Uh, have I been to New Mexico before?
If so, how did you like it? I think I drove through. I don't really have much of a comment on it.
Someone just asked, is it, where are you? Is it North or South? North or South?
Of what? Southern California. How about that? Uh, I, maybe I need a little more info on that one.
I'm sorry to come down on you. So, um, what does it smell like there? I don't know. Normal. I'm drinking a coffee, so I mostly smell. That's a bad clue. I'm sorry.
Uh, do it in X, X Chicago. Okay. Um, can you pronounce my favorite anime name? Ray Miyamoto. There you go. Yeah, I could pronounce that. Thank you. Uh, hopefully I pronounce it correctly. Uh, what if it, okay.
Matthew piercer says, what if no one is looking for you and you're just some dumb ass in LA with the TV? At least I got a TV, Matthew. Um, I wish he walked in. I gave him this TV.
Uh, a lot of, a lot of comments asking you to dab. Dab? Like this? No, I'm not going to do that. Can someone, uh, send me a video of someone dabbing? Of themselves dabbing. Then I'll dab. Do you see the video of the guy dabbing and he did it so hard that he blew out his candles?
That was pretty cool. Do it in Bosnia. Okay.
Uh, no, no way. No way.
Um, let's see. I'll check back into Instagram, see if there's any good questions there. Oh, here we go. Yeah, mostly here. It's just people asking you to dab. I'll do it. There you go.
I don't feel like natural dabbing. I don't feel like, um, I'm good at it. It's a little, like, embarrassing feeling to dab. Feel so, like, put upon. But there you go, I dabbed.
Uh, all right. Guys, I'm not going to answer your, your, uh, questions that could be considered clues in the comments. Just going to, like, have a conversation. I'm going to slowly reveal these other clues. Remember what we've said so far.
Downtown. It is open in the evening. They serve food and drink. It is closed right now.
Those are pretty good clues. Also, um, what was the other thing I was going to say? Remember, you gotta say, I found you, Sakoyama. So yeah, use that. Uh, Biocrono says, read my comment. There you go, man. Uh, Alex O'Reilly says, I'm here.
I don't believe you. I don't see you. There's no way.
That was seven minutes ago. I would have seen you by now. Chance the Human says, I'm watching you on YouTube. Uh, the future is now. As I typed this, the future is now.
Great. That's cool. Um, okay.
Harrison posted a video of him dabbing.
That's the guy who said scone or scone. I still don't understand what the second pronunciation of scone is supposed to be.
Uh, okay. Someone says, okay.
Uh, Mr. D. Cogster, also known as Joe. Uh, how do you, uh, how do you, this is full of typos, but how do you know that we've, uh, seen you but just chose to let you suffer instead?
What are you doing? Just grab the TV. This isn't suffering. I'm fine. I'm just sitting on the ground drinking some coffee. Um, don't you want a big TV, a 55 inch TV with 4k?
Hotel Transylvania 2 plastered on the front. All right, guys. Here's a great clue.
The zip code is 9 0 0 1 2.
Is that correct? Hopefully that's correct. We're going to find out if that's correct right now. Um, what if it was just very wrong? Uh, someone says you're at the College Humor headquarters.
No. Come on. No. 9 0 0 1 2? Yeah. The zip code is 9 0 0 1 2. Come on.
That's a good clue. We're talking about a great clue right there.
Uh, sorry glitch face. Uh, he says this is excruciating to watch when you have no chance of winning. I'm not in America. It is night here.
Um, yeah, man. Maybe I'll do it where you live someday. This is, uh, you know, the first time we've done this. Uh, maybe we'll do it again. I don't know. Um, here we go.
So a lot of people want me to pronounce things. Uh, kind of like a weird fetish situation. Uh, so now pronounce this German word. It's about B A U C H A R M E. I don't know anything about speaking German.
I'll try. That seems wrong immediately. Uh, that's, I went for it. Uh, okay. Oh yeah.
A video of Hillary Clinton dabbing. Very unnatural.
That's kind of how I feel. Uh, I feel like this is even read. That's what it felt like when I dabbed.
Why does everyone want me to do that? Can you pronounce my favorite anime name? Pokemon. There you go.
What college did I go to? I went to the University of Alabama. Uh, roll tide, guys.
About to do the national championship. Do the national championship.
I don't know what I'm talking about. I, I, I like football okay, but I'm not a super fan. Uh, is this it? No. Another close call. Still up for grabs. This huge TV. Man, at this point, I really think, uh, someone should be here soon. Uh, but maybe I'm wrong.
So if you're a little further away, just go for it. Find me. Zip code is 9-0-0-1-2. Just come to that area.
Um, is the ground cold? Kind of. It's not a, you know, as much of a clue as I'm willing to give there. Yeah, it's kind of cold.
It's concrete. Ground's concrete. There's a clue. In some places, it's concrete.
Um, alright. Anymore?
Luke Roberts says, say hi to Grant from me. Uh, hi Grant. Um, that's from Luke.
Glitchface says, uh, plug Mike Trapp again. Yeah, it's, uh, he says Mike. He forgot the W. It's at Mike W. Trapp. T-R-A-P-P.
Uh, Grant O'Brien's Twitter handle is unknown. Can't figure it out.
Uh, then there's, um, who else? Can I plug? Uh, remember, I'm at Zac Oyama, which you probably know if you tweeted that question at me. Uh, okay.
What if someone said, I found you Mike W. Trapp, and they wouldn't get the TV? You have to say, I found you Zac Oyama. That's the difference. If you came in and you said, I found you Mike W. Trapp, I would laugh very hard. I think that's a very funny joke, but you wouldn't get the TV. So that's on you if you want to make, I mean, I guess you could say the correct answer right after.
Look at that TV. Look at this guy.
I found it very confusing. Uh, I didn't watch the whole thing, but just honestly just felt a little too thrown into it to really get what was happening. Um, I feel like I should be able to understand a kid's movie, but it really lost me.
Uh, what else is, uh, what else is going on with this TV? Um, that's basically all that matters, right? 55 inch 4k TV with a crime cast thing in it.
Uh, that sounds great. Uh, I wish I could find me right now so I could get the TV. Should we, should we try to interview somebody who works here? Yeah. Should we try to talk to, we're going to interview someone who works here or maybe the owner is Jim. Yeah. See if Jim's, uh, available. A guy named Jim who, uh, works here maybe is owner.
Should I, should I go down here? Do we want to hide any of the things here? Uh, oh, we're just here right here.
Okay, great. Great. So I'm going to interview him and maybe try to be as vague as possible. Um, okay. Uh, you want to go through the clues again? Okay, go through. Uh, okay. So we are some of the clues.
We are downtown. Uh, it is a business. It is closed right now, but it is usually open in the evening. They serve food and beverages here.
Uh, the, the zip code is 9 0 0 1 2. Wow. Talk about, uh, zeroing in on it, right? I think I said that earlier.
Uh, how long has it been? 19 minutes. Is that right? 37 minutes. 37 minutes.
Wow. Okay, great. It feels good to stand. It was kind of squatting on the ground for a little bit.
Uh, I mean, we're minutes away from someone finding us for sure. Um, the owner is coming up and the owner is coming and, uh, we'll have a little impromptu interview right now. And I guess we'll maybe try to be vague about it just so we don't fully just reveal the answer in our conversation.
Uh, all right, here we go. Hi, Jim. Hey, how's it going? Good. How are you?
Come on in close the wall. Sorry. Uh, this is Jim. He's the owner of whatever, uh, location we're at right now. We've given them some, uh, some clues so far, uh, going in order of least, uh, helpful to most helpful.
It is, uh, downtown. It is, uh, a business. It is, uh, usually open in the evenings. It is closed currently at this hour. Uh, there's, you serve food and beverage.
Um, is there any sort of vague, uh, thing you want to talk about right now? Do you enjoy working? Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, that's fun. It's a really fun place to work. People have a lot of fun here. Yeah, it seems like it seems very fun. Yeah, we do lots of fun things. I realized what a weird position. Watch lots of fun stuff. Watch fun stuff.
Yeah. I don't know what that means. Is that not, is that too, too not vague? I don't think so. I think, uh, I realized what a weird position it is for you to be in, where you are being interviewed, but can't fully describe what you're doing.
But, uh, that is a good clue that they watch some stuff here sometimes. Do you, how long have you, uh, worked here? Uh, I started the business about eight years ago. Wow. Yeah, cool. Eight years ago, we started the business. Another pretty good clue.
Yeah. Um, uh, I, I think, did it always look like this or did you, uh, when you started eight years ago, the building got renovated. Uh, okay. It's, uh, it has been the same thing, uh, for nearly a hundred years though. It's still the same thing it was before I got here. Okay. So it was renovated eight years ago, but it was always whatever this place was a hundred years ago.
Well, he had 1924 to be 1924. So we're close to a hundred years. That's a really long time. And, and actually the industry we're in is just about, it's barely a hundred years old. It's a hundred years or so.
Wow. I think these are some good clues guys.
Um, uh, does anyone have a question? Uh, um, a question.
Uh, Jay, they just want both of you guys to dab. Do you want to dab with me?
I think that's hilarious. It's awful. Uh, I'm just going to, you don't have to do it. I'm going to dab. I'm just so out of it. My 10 year old niece was, it was dabbing. It was a little bit horrifying actually. A little kid pick up on like a cultural thing like that. It makes you feel old.
Someone wants to know how do we get in if it's closed? It's just like, come, it's close in that like, it's not operating as a business right now, but you can walk inside. Uh, the door is still work.
You'll figure it out. Uh, and remember you have to say, I found you Zacho Yama, not, I found you Mike W. Trapp. And I can't, I'm trying to think of any other questions to ask you that aren't fully given.
I mean, it's basically how many, how many people work here? Uh, we've got six people working here.
That's less than I thought. Yeah, that's very cool. Is there usually stuff going on here every night of the week?
Pretty much. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Cool.
You're the owner. Are there other owners or is it, uh, it's basically just me.
Cool. Uh, very independent. Cool. They're very independent.
Hmm.
Uh, I, I mean, this is a great prize when you agree. It's yeah. Kind of similar to things going on here, you might say.
Is it family friendly? Is this place family friendly? Uh, depends on the, the, the whatever it is we're doing that particular. So it can be, it can be family friendly and then it also cannot be.
Yeah. Okay. There's certain things that are, you know, wide swath. Yeah. Is that the word swath? I don't know. Um, so to reiterate downtown zip code is 9 0 0 1 2 usually open in the evenings, not open right now. Really sort of narrows it down. Yeah. I mean, it's, there's, if you're paying attention, just this, nevermind. Yeah.
You're paying attention. You should like, if you're actually playing and paying attention and live in LA, I would expect to see you in moments.
Uh, like, is there really a TV in the box? Oh yeah. There's really a TV and breaking stuff. Yeah. Good thing we didn't break the TV. I don't know.
There was a cops episode where, uh, it was this total gag. They would like ring people's doorbells. They would have this giant, it was back in the days before the four flats, but they'd have like a giant TV box in their hands and like, you go on a TV, come on out and grab it. And then like, yeah, come out and like the bad cops would roll. That's so funny.
I feel like, uh, I saw, they did something like that in Alabama talking about, and I went to the university of Alabama. They would give people iron bowl tickets, which is the, uh, the Alabama Auburn game, uh, like a big rivalry game. They would get something in the mail saying they won that and they'd bring them in.
And it was just at, I think it was like at a police station. And I was like, they were just arrested by a thousand cops. Anyways, what a weird job.
Yeah. Um, cool. Well, thanks for being interviewed by us. Oh, I guess another clues. We're literally surrounded by cops here. Okay. Yeah. Surrounded by cops. So maybe that, uh, if you, if you are nearing a ton of cops, that's possibly the answer. Well, thanks for having fun. Uh, well, uh, we'll see you in a moment. Okay. Uh, cool. So that was Jim.
Uh, the owner of whatever this place is, I wonder, like, yeah, that's not them. Uh, I, whenever I see like young people walk by, I'm assuming that's the type of person that will be looking for us. Um, but no, no one's found us yet.
I feel like I'm going crazy. Uh, so what have we got? Let's go back through it again.
Um, we're next door to another place also owned by a guy named Jim. Okay. So if you're super familiar with downtown, this place is open owned by a guy named Jim and it's next door to another place owned by a guy named Jim. Pretty, if you're super familiar with downtown, that's a, that's a good clue right there. Uh, okay. So 9 0 0 1 2 is the zip code.
I don't think anyone's looking for us. If you're watching this and you realize that no one else is looking for us, maybe it's time to come find us, especially if you're downtown, especially if you're downtown.
Um, okay. Well, I'm trying to think if there's any other good clues to give right now, or should we just, just maybe chill for a minute? Sure. I'll keep reading people's stuff on Twitter about that. Sure. Um, great, great, great. Oh, someone said, I just want to math debate. Congratulations. I was never very good at math. Um, oh, someone literally. Okay. I think that Jack us move. Good job. Yeah, there's some people getting it right in the comments. Yeah. There's some people have narrowed it down to the actual answer. So, uh, you have to physically be here and you have to say, I found you exactly.
And I'll give you this 55 inch TV. Pretty good, right? It's a pretty good deal.
Should we, do we want to move around the space at all? Do you want to, okay, let's walk around.
Uh, I'll leave it up to you what we show. Yeah. All right.
So this is, uh, this space we're, we're, we're showing you what it is. Uh, this is the front area of it. Uh, there's some TVs and what does any of this look familiar to you? Maybe are people just like saying what, what this place is now?
A couple. Yeah. Some are getting it right. Some are getting it wrong. Guys.
I mean, you are at this point, if you're in LA and you're watching this, you should just try to come here right now. Right? I mean, yeah, safely, safely. No, as recklessly as possible. Dash over here through traffic.
Uh, all right. So I wonder what else I'll leave it up to you. What do you want to show? All right. So concessions over here.
Uh, wonder what that means. Uh, you can buy Skittles, other candies, there's napkins and stuff. Wonder what that's for. I don't know. Maybe, uh, maybe you can figure it out by now. Maybe it's, um, okay, we're in a movie theater. Right? Possibly a movie theater downtown. I don't know. Uh, anyone guessing it?
Well, guys, now it's just a, it's a race. You basically know where this is. If you don't know what it is and you're looking for me, I feel very bad for you because it's, we pretty much told you what this place is.
Uh, should we go up to the roof? Do you want to, is that a possibility?
My only worry is losing the signal, the wireless signal.
Okay. But we can get a look at the street out here. Yeah. Take a quick peek at the street.
Um, I'll just look outside to see if anyone's around. Truly no one, truly no one finding me. Does anyone want to find me?
Now I'm starting to like doubt myself and my value as a human being. But it's not my value.
It's the value of a 55 inch television that has value. That's a great TV. It's a brand new TV. Look at that. 55 inch.
Oh, don't know what that is. Uh, you got really, I could never be a, you know, salesman of any kind because I don't know what any of this means, but I know that it's good. Like this is crossed out.
This, so what, this is a better TV than this, right? Not, no shot shots against this TV, but this is, look how much newer this is.
And it's definitely bigger. It's bigger than this TV. Like it's probably that big. If I were to measure this, I bet a 55 inch TV is to here, right? And this is a big TV on its own.
Come on guys. What are you doing? I'm hitting a point of like delirium of like, I could be asleep right now. And this is a weird dream. Oh yeah. I keep forgetting. I can just check at like what people are tweeting. Remember at might W trap PP and not just don't worry about anything having to do with grant. Um, let's just walk around. Huh?
Interesting. Interesting place that we're in a big dark room. What is that? I don't know if you can see me, but it's very dark in here. Hi. Interesting. I don't know what, what do you think they're doing here? So weird. So strange. It's a huge dark room. Like a big wall that's like flat on one side. Wonder what that's about. So impossible to decipher.
Um, let's go back into the front area where it's bright. Okay. Got this little area. Okay. All right.
Great space. Recognize this painting.
All right. So I guess I'll just do a bit right here.
Um, hello, how's it going? Uh, a call from Texas. They have to show up in person. What's their name? Uh, they didn't say that.
Okay. Uh, thank you so much. Yeah. Thanks.
Uh, someone from Texas just called and I have to say, I'm so sorry. You have to be here physically in person. That's very, uh, it's very, uh, cool of you to have figured out the location and called them physically, uh, on their, whatever their line is. Uh, but that's just not how this game works. You have to be here and you have to say, I found you exactly how I am. Um, man, sorry, that sucks that you're in Texas.
Oh, okay. Okay. A lot of people are just saying, the name of the place I'm at right now. And you're right. Um, not a person playing the game. Yeah. All right. So another person sent me the Google maps address of the place. Yep. That's it. But you are in Sacramento. Sorry. Uh, everyone is just saying the name of the place. Yes. Greetings from Germany. Thanks, Josh. Uh, okay.
Uh, do you believe in turtles? But spelled wrong. I believe in turtles spelled T-U-R-T-U-L-E-S.
Sure. Um, yeah. So everyone tweeting at me seemingly knows the address of the place now. So hopefully someone will walk in here moments from now. Uh, I don't, I really, it does feel like no one's playing. I'm, I'm thinking like it really, like if you're watching this and in downtown LA, there's a great chance that you could just walk over here and get this TV for free. Um, what else is going on? I'm going to check the Instagram situation. Okay. Uh, a lot of people just saying again in here at the right 81 comments. Uh, uh, great, great. Um, just a lot of, um, other door. Yeah.
We have our winner. I think, hold on. How's it go? Wait, what did you say? I didn't hear you. I found you. There we go. What's your name?
David. I'm with my girlfriend. This park came with the dogs. Great. Well, David, come this way.
This is, uh, this is your prize. You just won this 55 minutes television.
How do you feel? I feel great.
We were just talking about this the other day because we have a TV that is this big. Well, now you have replaced it with a brand new huge TV. It's, uh, I'm jealous of your TV situation.
Yeah. Walk us, walk us through what happened from when this street. So, uh, we had just left my girlfriend's apartment to go to my place to do some laundry. Uh-huh. I get a notification on my phone saying that you guys are alive and it's some form of competition and we start watching it a little bit casually in the car. Yes. And then we're like, oh no, I think we can, we can get this. That's great. And you're here. You got it. We were actually on road to, uh, a gay bar. Okay. Close by. Sure. It has the same postal. That is laundry? No, no, no, no. That's what we thought it was at first. Oh, okay. And then, uh, the clues unravel. I figured it out. Awesome.
Well, is she coming in? I want to say hi to her as well. Parked out there. That's fine. Um, is she coming?
Yeah. Wow. This is great. I can't, I feel fully validated now for a while. I was like, I guess no one's playing this game. Uh, because yeah, I mean, it can go either way.
Hi, I'm Zach. Shelby. Shelby, nice to meet you.
You guys won this big TV. Congratulations. You're the first people to be here. Yeah, congrats. I guess that's it for the Find Zach livestream. Uh, thanks for watching. Congrats to the winners. Say your names one more time.
David. David and Shelby. Shelby.
So congrats to them. Uh, thanks for watching everybody. See you later. Bye.
Sit with a brand new, huge TV. I'm jealous of your TV situation.
It's fantastic. Yeah. Walk it. Walk us through what happened from when this street. So, uh, we had just left my girlfriend's apartment to go to my place to do some laundry. Uh-huh. I get a notification on my phone saying that you guys are live and it's some form of competition. Uh-huh. And we start watching it a little bit casually in the car. Yes. And then we're like, no, I think we can, we can get this. That's great. And you're here. You got it. We were actually on road to, uh, a gay bar. Okay. Close by. Sure. It has the same postal. That is laundry? No, no, no, no. That's what we thought it was at first. Oh, okay. And then, uh, the clues unravel. You figured it out. Awesome.
I think she should be. Is she coming in? I want to say hi to her as well. Yeah. See, I think she just... Oh, she's right outside. Oh, she's just parked out there? That's fine. Um, is she coming? Yeah.
Wow. This is great. I get, I feel fully validated now.
For a while, I was like, I guess no one's playing this game. Uh, because, yeah, I mean, it could go either way.
Hi, I'm Zach. Shelby. Shelby, nice to meet you.
You guys won this big TV. Congratulations. You're the first people to be here. Yeah, congrats. Um, well, guys, uh, I guess that's it for the Find Zach livestream. Uh, thanks for watching. Congrats to the winners. Say your names one more time. David and Shelby. So congrats to them. Uh, thanks for watching, everybody.
See you later. Bye. |
TheOnion | Census_Visits_Providing_Shut_Ins_Once_A_Decade_Chance_For_Human_Interaction | It is census time, and for millions of lonely people, that means a once a decade chance for human interaction.
That's right. Joining us now to tell you how to get the most out of your visit from a census worker is shut-in Helen DeAngelis. Hi, Helen. Good morning. Thank you so much for inviting me to your wonderful, wonderful show. All right.
So, Helen, you live all by yourself. It's been years since your last meaningful conversation.
How do you get a census worker into the house and then keep him there? First things first. Do not send in the census paperwork, no matter how much you want to.
Right. Or they won't send anyone to your house. That's right.
So once we have that census taker inside, it's all about savoring every bit of human contact that we have. Yes, yes. Shake his hand and remember what it feels like to touch another person's skin. It's been a long time. Okay. So now that he's inside, what kinds of questions can we expect? Well, Tracy, every census question is an opportunity for a story. Because that will give you a few minutes more. Every second counts, doesn't it? Yes, it does.
For instance, when they ask my name, I say, I'm Helen Elizabeth DeAngelis. Now, DeAngelis is an Italian name, but my father was an Italian, isn't that funny?
He worked in a bakery store all his life.
Right. So tell a story. Right. Yeah, that's a good tip.
Oh, and take pictures. Take pictures. This is going to be your special day, so make sure that there's film in the camera.
Right. And you've even brought some pictures to show us. Well, that's terrific. This is Justin.
He spent four whole minutes with me in 2000. In 2000, okay. This is Samantha. She came in 1980, and we talked about the poor hostages.
But Helen, it's only a matter of time before the census worker has everything they need, and they get ready to leave you alone for another 10 years.
Yes. Well, at that point, your only way to buy time is to slow the progress to the door. This is a floor plan of my sitting room. Oh, it looks like a maze. Yeah. Well, you can put a second decoy kitchen here.
Okay. Well, Helen, I think we're just about out of time, but thank you so much for bringing all this stuff by this morning. Oh, dear. Very interesting. I don't feel very well. I'm so sorry. I think I better just sit right here. Oh, no. Oh, this is another one of your tricks, right? You almost got us. Helen. All right.
Maybe we get a couple of PAs in here to help Helen on her way. Thank you again for coming in. |
dropout | my_elf_girlfriend_pregnancy_scare | Look deep within, and the future will reveal itself, and remember two lines means I'm pregnant, one line means I'm not. Nothing yet. It says it takes a couple minutes. I don't know, maybe we're overreacting. How late are you? A year.
I get my period every 10 years. Right. Oh, we should have never gone off birth control. I know, but it was making me so moody. All shall love me and despair. You've got to take out the recycling. They give me bigger boobs, though. Okay, okay, okay. Maybe it is just stress that's throwing off my cycle. Totally. I mean, we had those ring rates move in next door, and they've been filling our hearts with nightmares. Also, they're really loud.
But no! Not practice every day! I have so many things I want to do before I have kids.
Perfect the elixir for invincibility. Shoot an arrow through the heart of a dragon. Own a suit.
My friend Arkenia had a baby. She used to be a ranger. Now she runs a lifestyle blog. And I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to flood my Instagram with pictures of babies. I have 20 followers.
I'm not going back to the teens. I know it's not ideal, but I could eat the forbidden herb of the black forest. Can't do that. My dad's Catholic.
Right, okay. All right, so if we did do this, it would be a half-elf. I mean, it would have the advantages of both of our races. And I used to play a half-elf in Dungeons and Dragons, so I could totally relate to it. Yeah, okay.
I think you'd be a really good dad. Uh, you'd be a great mom. If my mom could communicate with me telepathically, I wouldn't have jumped off Peter Spukowski's roof deck twice.
Thank you, baby. Hey, you know, we'll make it work, no matter what I promise, okay? Okay. You think it's ready? You're not pregnant! Awesome!
Babies totally creep me out. Me too.
Nobody cares about the average student. But college humor cares. That's why we're giving away two $5,000 scholarships to the two most average students we can find. So apply today and prove to us why you're the most average student and the money could be yours. |
dropout | the_baby_in_american_sniper_was_more_fake_than_you_remember | I am making memories by myself, I have no one to share them with.
Yeah. Well, we've got our own lives, all right? When does that start?
Even when you're here, you're not here, I can see you and I can feel you but you're not here. Shh. You'll wake her. You are my husband, you are the father of my children, my human children, but they keep pulling you back. We can wait, they can't.
This war is changing you, you've lost touch with what's real. This home, our marriage, that baby, that baby is real. You don't think I know that, you don't think I can tell how real she is by the way she smiles at me how I am authentically holding her by her arm moving on its own? Like that?
No more excuses, look at her, look at that baby, and tell me that the need is more important than her. Shh. You're scaring her. Cry, cry, baby, baby. Now you know what I deal with. Dammit, if you think I'm that bad, raise her yourself. You are not getting out of this that easy, this little girl needs her daddy.
You do. I'm a Navy man. When you married me, I do this to protect us all. Mm-hmm. It's my CO.
I gotta go. Don't you worry little angel, everything's gonna be okay. Talk about this when I get back. Hey sport, you're gonna have to take care of our women, okay? Daddy's gotta go hunt some terrorists. Hey, Pat from College Humor here.
No! |
cracked | i_m_worried_my_step_dad_s_a_vampire_tales_to_get_scared_to | Divorce isn't easy. Not for anyone. I'm a child of divorce, did you know that? Oh yeah, true story.
I was maybe a little bit younger than you are now. About to start college. You think you're ready. You think you're prepared to really find yourself. Really discover who this guy is.
And then out of nowhere, divorce. And the world you built for yourself doesn't make sense anymore. Feel like the foundation's being pulled out from under you.
What do you think? Sound like I'm in the right ballpark? I don't know. No.
No, I used to act up. Oh, I was a mess. I used to say all kinds of things.
When my mom started dating her first boyfriend after the divorce, he's an idiot. The music he likes sucks. He doesn't even know how to change a tire.
All kind of stuff. Sound like I was in pain. I don't know. I mean, what kind of music did he like? Well, where you're at right now. Oh, I've been there, buddy.
Staying out late, avoiding home, calling your mom's boyfriend a monster. No, see, I never said monster. I said vampire. Let's say. Because he is literally a vampire. See, this is you managing your frustration by viewing your mom's boyfriend as a metaphorical monster. I said literally. But you meant figuratively, didn't you? You know, I used to call my mom's boyfriend helpless the clown. Yes, I did.
Do you know what I call him now, Will? Dad. I call him dad, Will. No, dad.
Wow. Powerful stuff, Clint. You've certainly given me a lot to think about. Yeah, thank you. Thank you, Roy. I'm really glad that you could make it out today.
You know, as I always say, it's helpful to have both parties present. Of course, I'm only here for young William. Well, that looks like it's our time for today, but I will see you, Will, next week solo this time. Same time, yeah? Yeah. Well, not if I get murdered by a vampire, which might happen. Look at him. You know, I'm standing right here. Okay, I know you're joking. Come on, let's go. Just one more thing. Got a guy. This whole my stepdad's a vampire thing. Look, I know you're acting out. And heck, grief is going to take any form it will, buddy.
But I would really rethink this. These are some wildly childish projections of vampire. That's a third graders idea of a villain.
So I'm not really supposed to judge you here in this space right now. But come on. Come on, son.
Yep. Okay.
One second. You didn't say hi when you came in. I wanted to know how your session went. One sec. Bill? Nothing. What were you doing before I walked in here? Nothing.
Masturbating. Yeah. Oh, I was masturbating so good. And that's not a steak. No, that's uh, I use that for masturbating.
I just wanted to know how your session with Clint went. I guess I have my answer. Yeah. Clint thinks I'm Clint who isn't a doctor, by the way, he's more like a glorified guidance counselor. I'm just saying I don't see any degrees on his wall or anything. Clint thinks I'm projecting.
Like, like I'm imagining Roy's a vampire, which is Roy's a stupid name. Have you thought about that? Roy. Like, what name is Roy short for? No name. It's just Roy. Just Roy forever into darkness. Will? Roy!
Will. Yeah. I want to give you all the space to go through whatever it is you're going through. You can call him anything you want. An actual vampire from the past. Keep in mind, he is gonna be around. He's gonna be in our lives. Yeah, for like a couple millennia.
You know, it is not all that uncommon what you're going through. I'm taking this class and they say... No, actually, I don't know if your improv class can help this time. You can't yes and your way. I'm taking psychology class, actually, in addition to my improv class, which is what I was referring to. But you know, now that I think about it, they both have to do with observation and human connection. So I think they're both relevant, actually. You're taking the psych class.
I am doing a lot of things, Will. A lot of things that I haven't done before. I mean, you're going to college, your sister is married, and I'm just here, living. I mean, I could be one of those mothers who just calls you incessantly and begs you to come home on the weekends, but I'm not. I am living my life. I'm taking classes. Maybe I'll start writing again. Maybe I'll join one of those clubs where you drink wine and paint.
That's a thing. Yeah, it is. And maybe I will date someone that makes me happy, even if you don't think he's all that cool. I mean, is there a chance that what's really bothering you is the fact that someone besides your dad is dating your mom? Ah, the old Naismith game. But, you know, they used to call me the 10th man.
No.
He's a vampire. So, maybe he's a vampire.
Your father was, and we didn't work, Will. You were the only thing that worked about us.
Now, that's a terrible thing to hear, but it's the truth, and you're old enough to hear the truth. So, Roy might be a vampire, and he's not your father, but he's what I need. And personally, I think that that is enough for you to try. For me. Alright, I'll save you a couple of dogs. If you save me, a couple of bottles of that beer you're brewing over there. I know you're making a whole thing.
I can smell it. My nose knows.
So, come on by whenever you want, okay? Dog, I'll see you later.
Fucking hate that guy. The real son of a bitch. York. Bitch. Dog.
Hey, William! Hey! You know, your mother said that you probably weren't going to come, but I thought maybe it'd come, and here you are. Look at this.
I'm making hot dogs. Would you like a hot dog or a hot dog? If there's only hot dogs, and full disclosure, I am not very familiar with how long meat should be cooked for.
So, enter at your own risk. Roy, I've been thinking about Clint and his circus clown stepfather. Oh, what a piece of work!
Maybe say it. It's fun to say. Can I just get through this? Yeah.
Um, I just think maybe I, uh, maybe I haven't, uh, I think Clint's an idiot, first of all, you know, with his, his projection, how I'm not seeing what I know I'm seeing, and how he wouldn't listen, and his tie, and his whole smug thing. I too hate Clint. Right. Even though I know he's wrong about everything, I still feel like maybe I haven't given you a fair chance.
And I want to be very clear, Roy. I know you're a vampire. Okay, but let me be clear. I'm not trying to be your vampire.
What? No. What? Roy? Shut up. Roy, that's not, that's not even a situation.
I know you're a vampire, but for whatever reason, my mom, my mom really likes you, for now. So, I'm gonna work on this. The you and me thing, us. And if you hurt my mom, oh my god, I will kill you. But I'd be saying that even if you weren't a vampire. So, just keep giving her a happiness.
Petit Moore. What? Petit Moore, it's French for coming. Coming?
It's a form of happiness. We are on the same page. This is a good talk. Oh, okay. It takes a big man to do what you just did, and I'm proud of you. Thanks. Dad. You get over here. No. You get over here. There we go. I guess it's not that bad. Oh, I knew it. God damn it.
Oh, the fire, the big fire, and I don't have water. The water is the green fire.
You know what I always say? Where there's a will, there's a Roy. Honey, you didn't say hi when you came in. I wanted to know how you're saying this. One sec. Bill? Nothing. What were you doing before I walked in here? Nothing. Masturbating. |
cracked | how_gun_control_made_australia_safer_than_america | Hey there Americans. It's us, Australians. G'day mate. All 23 million of us got together to say, Americans, we're worried about you. We're terrified for you. Because with what we hear about gun violence in America... We hate to say it, but you Americans live in the scariest place on earth. Which is insane, because we live in Australia. Have you even heard about Australia?
Our ecosystem was clearly designed by the devil. We've got three kinds of man-eating sharks. Poisonous octopuses. Nails with venom so toxic there's no antidote.
And all that's just our oceans. Crikey, mate. You ever seen a fire world? Because we have those. Every day. Everywhere. But the things we read about America...
Like that there are more guns in America than there are Americans. Or that more than 60% of gun deaths in America are by suicide. Or that America had 994 mass shootings in a 1,004-day period. And that was after Sandy Hook. That's 994 shootings with at least four victims apiece.
Look it up. Fair dinkum, mate.
We couldn't get used to danger like that. And our spiders are so big, they eat birds. And our birds are cassowaries. We're just ex-fertile murderers. Because Australia gives God nightmares.
Of course, Australia did have one horrific mass shooting in 1996. And we came together as a country to tighten our gun laws that year. We also bought thousands of guns back. And that made mass shootings here virtually non-existent. And Australia still didn't make guns illegal.
Oh, we still accept the risk of some gun owner and hoon going off like a frog in a sock every once in a blue moon. But overall, every Australian gets to feel safe. At all times. In any state. Yeah, we have those too. Whereas there are American states that loosen their gun laws after Sandy Hook.
And your federal government's doing nothing about it. That's why Americans, we're praying for you. We're cheesing our fosters to you. We're blooming an onion in your honour.
Because we can't imagine living in constant danger on purpose. Makes us want to chunder. And if you think your American gun laws work... If you think that having more American gun deaths since 1968 than American battlefield deaths in all your historical wars is normal. And if you think having strong gun control means Australians are a bunch of wimps about weapons. Then you're forgetting that Australians feel safer than you do day to day. Even though Australians live in a country...
Where this is a knife.
What a lovely day. |
ClickHole | women_tell_period_stories_that_are_hopefully_relatable_to_women_and_non_threatening_for_men | No, no, no. I'll be fine, I'll be fine. Bad period, bad! Ugh, okay.
The worst place I ever bled is probably... Um, my desk chair? On an airplane seat. I've bled on my boyfriend. I've bled on my boyfriend's parents' brand new white couch.
That was fun. Also, I'm just gonna say it. I get diarrhea. The worst, diarrhea. Yikes. That's real. I'll just sit on the toilet and shit for three days. So much shit.
I went to the gyno while I was on my period and it was just like a waterfall of blood. One time, she pulled a tampon out of me that had been stuck in there for a month. Like, how I didn't get Toxic Shock Syndrome is beyond me. She says it happens all the time. Like, the max you're allowed to keep them in is eight hours. I panic when I sleep with one and I oversleep. Anyway, I'm somehow still alive and that's well. So I have endometriosis, which basically means that part of my uterine lining grows outside of my uterus. So when I get my period, I bleed in the wrong place, which is super fucking painful and can lead to these horrible cysts.
And then on top of that, it'll probably make it harder for me to get pregnant and there's no cure. So I'm just sort of stuck with it. It sucks, but I'm stuck with it forever.
One second. You're good, one second.
So this one time, I was on my period and my boyfriend started going down on me and so yeah, that happened. I've gotten my period since I was 10 and I still mess it up. You'd think I'd be better at dealing with this by now. But no. Periods suck. It fucking sucks. Personally, I can't wait till I'm gonna pause. |
cracked | the_most_traumatizing_internet_comment_agents_of_cracked_episode_3 | Hi, I'm Abe Epperson. I directed Agents of Cracked. Welcome to the Craterion collection of Agents of Cracked. Stay after, and we'll be talking about what we did while we made the thing. Little anecdotes and stories. Spoiler alert. I killed a hobo.
A tootsie pop. Huh? A sweet treat for a sweet...
Damn it! God damn it!
Something in the matter, Mike? Get your f*** out of your ears and listen to me for a second, will ya? Okay, I don't... Sure, shoot. I am literally exploding with rage! That's not what literally means. Shut the f*** up!
Okay. Okay, you know the internet. Vaguely. Alright, on the site today.
In the comment section, someone called me a fag. Right. Specifically, they said, Dear Mike, show was great, sarcasm. Would've been better if you weren't such a fag. Be more like H.B.N., I don't know what that means. Then die super fag.
Love everyone. Everyone! Like everybody.
Okay, I thought this was gonna be something not retarded. I don't know why I thought that. Look, Dan, I know you're from the East Coast where everyone rides around on horses, and fag is just a fancy word for elevator, but around these parts, when someone fags you out, it's go time. Okay, so there's a whole lot wrong with that sentence. We could do things chronologically, or... It was humiliating! Surprised to see you take this so personally.
This sort of thing happens all the time. What? Yeah, like literally every day. Well, obviously it happens to you.
I'm talking about me here. They called me a fag to my internet face. My robo face.
Yeah, and they've been doing it on every one of your articles and videos forever. Without exception, all of them. All my videos? Yeah. And even sometimes on videos that you aren't involved in. Like, we'll run a video and then after both nothing, somebody will say, oh my god, so good, so much better than Swain, who is a super fag.
Damn it. Hey, Dan, Chief wants to see you. Damn it. Thanks, T-Bone. Right on. What did you think you were doing? I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't think his ego was going to be so fragile. Dan, he has no friends. I'm pretty sure he sleeps under his desk. And the only thing that protects his self-image from crumbling like a house of cards is the fact that he doesn't understand any of what's ever going on. The man is a comedic idiot savant. And now look at him.
His next column goes live tomorrow morning, and if it doesn't dig, I'm holding you personally accountable. Mike, you got to do a post. It's almost eight.
How did you let this happen, Dan? We were partners. Why was your mentor technically your boss? Your mentor? You stabbed me in the back.
Well, guess what? One day, when you least expect it, I'm going to stab you in the back. Literally. See, you've got me worried now, because I don't know what literally means. You know what? Here, take a look at this. What's this? You call me a super faggot and binary? No, binaries only. You know, it's not important.
Look, those are our phone numbers, Michael. Those are the phone numbers of anyone who's ever called you a faggot on the internet.
Stayed a little late and did some digging. You did this. For me? Not really. I'm still not actually convinced you're not part of some reality show. I forgot I was on. This changes everything! Just promise me you'll do your blog entry first before you call them, because if you don't, I can get them. Hello, Darth Malcom? You're a fag. Oh, could you tell him? Okay, thanks. Hey, Dr. Chaos? You don't write. You make videos. You are the best Faberge ever. It's protege, and I'm not. I forgive you. What? Shut up!
So we were coming up with this show because we had no money. It was originally going to be just Michael and I on a camera on a tripod, and we sort of snuck Abe in. We shot two episodes with him sort of behind everyone's back to prove that. Look how good they look with Abe shooting them. Now this show necessitates a director who can move his hands around and move the camera around.
Where did that sense start? I don't know. And how do I end it? I didn't even know that you were doing so well, was I? I was going to save you, but I didn't.
It was doing well that I think directing is this. Yeah, no, that is directing. No, that's absolutely directing. There's nothing else that's involved other than that. |
cracked | how_friends_invented_the_friendzone_people_watching_5 | Hey, how's it going? Usual. Can't win them all. Yeah. Or any of them.
I've seen you around. My name's Ted. Nice to meet you. Why do you do that? Shake hands with people I already know, like I'm meeting them for the first time?
I don't know. I just think it's funny or something. God, you're weird. Snack? We're already in a restaurant. Yeah, I'm weird.
Yeah, you are. Dude, when I first met you, you were wearing a friend's t-shirt, and you said you didn't even like the show. You're just like the concept of friendship.
Fuck whatever, that was grade seven. I can't be held responsible for things I did back then.
You were the one actually watching that show. You probably still watch it, like that guy from that Mad TV sketch where he's imaginary friends with all the characters. Hey, Joey, purse the chips. Okay, have you ever gone back and watched the show Friends?
It's garbage, man. It's actually the worst. Yeah, probably even I think that show's too white. It's not even that.
It's more like there are two things to know about the show Friends, right? Number one is that every funny thing you remember is from the first season, when the actors were nobodies with average incomes, playing nobodies with average incomes, instead of millionaires playing regular people like aliens in human costumes.
And number two is, damn it, I lost my train of thought. Hey, feeling all right? Raging on stage here. Just really tired this week. I'm fine, though. Ted Lindbergh. Okay, so yeah.
And number two is that in a contemporary TV show, Ross would be a goddamn super villain. People forget what the 90s were like. Watch a few episodes. You'll just be staring in horror at this nightmarish asshole you're being told is somehow the protagonist. The show is basically saying, yeah, it's perfectly good and fine and protagonist-ish for a guy to be this gigantic, jealous, petty, manipulative bastard who literally yells at women for doing the same things he does because it's fine for a guy to do it. It's jaw-dropping if you go back and watch it now. There should have been the one with the intervention where the other four sit Rachel down and tell her she needs to stop going back to this abusive loser.
Holy shit, the fun police is out in force. Calling all cars.
Come on, this is the show that invented the friend zone, after all. It's the Robert Oppenheimer of all that men's rights bullshit. Destroyer of worlds, Martha. Friend zone. That's where little dickless internet losers hang around a chick they want to screw who obviously doesn't return their feelings or some damn thing. Yeah, it's where dudes objectify women to the extent that women equal sex, so if you're not sleeping with a chick, then you're getting ripped off or whatever the fuck these quote unquote people are telling themselves.
Sorry, I just get really mad about this shit. I'm pretty sure people think I'm friend zoning you. Stupid people, but still. Even after however many years they see you helping me move apartments and they're like, oh, this guy, he's just biding his time.
That's just it. This kind of bullshit infects the general discourse, and then you're feeling weird about things that are perfectly normal just because some stupid sitcom was written by idiots and forced on everyone via a monoculture that we're only now digging ourselves out from. There's the liberal arts degree talking. So yeah, I probably have felt weird about it a few times, but there's a long list of great people I'm still going to be friends with in 20 years because I'm not sleeping with them. And then there's also an opposite list that I prefer not to think about. Not everything that's good looks that way from the outside. What people are probably saying is that everyone's looking for a partner, so if you've found someone you like spending time with, then why not just go ahead and date them? I don't know. Because it's nobody else's business, maybe? Oh, that's such a cop-out, though. Despite how liberal everyone's pretending to be, I'm sure you're still getting a few comments about your chick best friend and why don't you just hook up, and I guarantee it bothers you. You know what? Yeah. And when I don't get comments, I imagine them, and then I even question myself even though it's bullshit. But at least it fucking weeds out the judgmental people.
You know why you're going to be the best man at my wedding? Because I'm going to be marrying somebody who's fine with that. Hey, you too, Broski. Even if I look to Vegas for a three-minute ceremony, I still want you hovering nearby in some official capacity. Oh, I'm made of honor.
You do get comments, then, eh? I have friends who don't get it. Like, they don't say it outright, but they say nothing instead of stuff they'd normally say if you were a dude. Granted, these are the same friends who will, unprompted, repeatedly go out of their way to tell me how non-racist they are. You know what I think? I think your friends are a bunch of slack-jawed facts- All right, let's just say we agree that people should fucking shut up. What do you say when people ask?
Besides, fuck you, Mom? I don't know.
The reflex is always, no, no, no, we're just friends. But at the same time, that's kind of- what's the word? Fucking lame as shit? Yeah, there it is. Well, fuck. Yeah, exactly. Just friends. That's such garbage. Having someone trust you and want to consistently be in the same place as you? It's the worst. Yeah.
We're not going out, Mom. We're just in a situation of permanent mutual support and understanding. We're trying to work through it, though. Yeah, you know, we're just attractive to others in the first place because of the confidence from being accepted by another person.
Yeah, as much as I genuinely see every month as an opportunity for a Baskin-Robbins number of one-night stands, there's probably something to be said for how we've been hanging out since grade seven, whereas the longest I've dated a guy for is maybe seven months. And then once it's over, it's super over. Man, grade seven. It's been that long, hey? That's nuts.
And we haven't once woken up naked together in a hotel room at someone else's wedding.
Like TV said, what happened? Well, I think sitcoms in reality are just friends. Yeah, I don't see that one ending with kids.
You got any other women friends there, by the way? What about that gangly fucking Christian chick I keep seeing you with? Are you two bros or what? Oh, her?
No, no, no. That's not anything. We're just in a relationship. Oh. Too bad. Yeah, well, you can't win them all.
But yeah, that's what I'd tell people if they ask anyway. Something about how I like the concept of friendship? Yeah, or you know, just that whole thing where two people are friends because they're similarly weird, but...
But they similarly would both want the support of a romantic partner that balances out their craziness because... Because love and romantic love are different but equal. Plus they have different sexual needs and long-term goals anyway, whatever they call that.
Common sense? Yeah, that. Or maybe I just want to make sure that I still know you in 20 years. Snack? I'm actually trying to eat less red meat lately. I was reading this thing about sodium and... For fuck's sake, how anyone thinks I could date you is beyond me.
Back at you, Martha. Back at you.
Hey everybody, I'm Andy and I play Ted on People Watching. Thanks for checking out the video. If you like us, go follow us on Facebook at Facebook.com slash Subnormality. And actually, I've got a bit of a confession to make myself. I recently watched All of Friends and Ross is actually my favorite. He actually ends up being the funniest. |
SaturdayNightLive | stars_of_tomorrow_snl | Tlc presents Stars of Tomorrow. I travel all over the country looking for talented kids. you never know when you're going to find the next Abigail Breslin. And I still remember the night I went to Akron, Ohio to see 11-year-old Laura Parsons. from the moment Laura was born, we knew she had something special. she was a very expressive baby. she would like cry when she wanted something. we always knew she was amazing, but at that first audition when she did a piece from a few good men, she let everyone know. Son, we live in a world that has walls. those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. who's going to do it? you. you. you want the truth. you can't handle the truth. we have a word in the theater. Showstopper. That audition got her the lead in some of the top kids touring productions like Rockin' Red Riding Hood and the Mary-kate and Ashley classic. How the West was fun. she was the only name in kids' theater for a long time. And then one day, everything changed. Amanda Starr was just a poor 11-year-old kid from Bethesda. but when she hit that stage, Boom! Fireworks. Amanda's audition for On the Waterfront had everyone talking. you don't understand.
I could have had class. I could have been a contender. I could have been somebody instead of a bum, which is what I am.
Let's face it, it was you, Charlie. that's when the rivalry started, and it was so hard. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. But Laura stayed strong and took care of the both of us. I really wanted to work with Laura and Mandy, but I couldn't, because that spring we were doing an adaptation of Lorraine Hansberry's a Raisin in the Sun.
It was an all African-american cast, so I had no use for either of the girls. they never thought she had a shot, until they saw Laura perform the celebrated monologue of the character Bubba from Forrest Gump. you ever been on a real shrimp boat? I'm talking about a shrimp catching boat. I've been working on shrimp boats all my life. people call me Bubba, just like one of them redneck boys. Can you believe that? Anyway, like I was saying, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. you can barbecue it, boil it, broil it. there's shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp and potatoes. and that's. that's about it.
Oh yes, they pushed each other. Once Mandy heard that Laura was auditioning for an African-american part, she knew what she had to do. Sophie from the Color Purple. All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy, I had to fight my uncles, I had to fight my brothers. a girl child ain't safe in a family of men, but I ain't Never thought I'd have to fight in my own house. I loves Harpo. God knows I do. but I'll kill him dead before I let him beat me.
Amanda and Laura were the biggest names in theater back then. they both did Annie and it sold out. Meanwhile, our adult productions weren't making any money, so we had no choice. we cast Mandy in the part of Mama and Laura as her husband, Walter. of course it was a sensation. people talked about it for weeks. and that's when Laura and Mandy realized it was better to work together than as rivals. So in their next project, they decided to collaborate. If you'd have told me that our company was going to do a stage version of Brokeback Mountain, I would have been skeptical. But then, if you said that the lead roles of the two adult gay cowboys are going to be played by two eleven-year-old girls, I would have told you it can't be done. But hey, they were stars.
Why didn't you just let me be? it's because of you, Jack Twist, that I'm like this. I'm nothing. I'm nowhere. I can't stand being like this no more, Jack. tell you what, we could have had a good life together. but you didn't want it, Ennis. So what we got now is Brokeback Mountain. everything's built on that. you have no idea how bad it gets. I'm not you. I can't make it. and a couple of high-altitude flips once or twice a year. you are too much for me, Ennis. I wish I knew how to quit you.
Opening night was a ten-minute standing ovation. we have a word in theater. Gay-mazing. that was double gay-mazing. |
dropout | Please_Research_the_Person_You_re_Hiring | Congratulations, everyone, on your first day here at Chompsky's. Let's get things started with a round of introductions. My name is Samantha, and I'm the Chompsky's hiring manager. I'm Pat. I'm going to be head of customer service. Okay, next. Hi, I'm Johnny Leather Baby, head of public relations.
Oh my God, that's so nice. Sorry, Samantha, this is probably totally inappropriate, but Johnny just looked so familiar. He's the guy that started the Deport the Browns website that everyone thought was about deporting the Cleveland Browns, but was actually about deporting brown people. Oh my God.
How did you figure that out? Are you some sort of tech mastermind? What? No, I just googled it. Did you not do a background check before you hired him? Oh, we did, but no criminal record came up, so we thought, well, maybe technically nothing was flagged, but I do think somebody's prejudices should absolutely be taken into account during the hiring process, especially in a forward facing position like PR. Oh yes, you are so right. Next time we hire someone, we're getting your tech expertise. I just googled it.
Johnny, I'm so sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to go down to HR for a little chat. You know, I'm pushing boundaries, and it's just like, I'm sorry, is there a safe space to try stuff out?
Like, does people, people don't even know what jokes are. Do you understand? I'm joking. Do you know what a joke is?
Okay. Now let's keep it rolling with these introductions. Who's next?
I am Smurp. I come from the land of shadows and evil. My cousin went to college there. I'm here at Chomsky's to be the new social media manager.
I love that we need one of those. Yes. Samantha, I'm looking at Smurp's Twitter and he actually led the Translucent Souls Matter March in South Carolina last year. Oh my God. Yeah. How are you digging this stuff up? You are a technological wunderkind. Okay, are you with the CIA? No, I just googled it. I mean, seriously.
I mean, we knew that Smurp didn't list the proper years he lived at his previous address. My bad. That was your bad, Smurp. That's one of the worst things anyone that we've ever hired has done here.
But you, what are your tech secrets? Can you reveal them?
I googled him and then his Twitter came up and then I read the first three tweets I saw. Wow. I only read the pinned tweet. Really? He's going to be the new social media manager.
Smurp, I'm so sorry. We're going to have to let you go. This is a disgrace.
But at least I have a very generous severance package. You see that? I fired him. Yeah, that's the bare minimum. And I love that. That's actually incredible.
So now, I know we have one more new hire. Introduce yourself. I'm Martin, and I'm the new spokesperson for Chomsky's. Bet we're going to be seeing a lot of you.
Okay, that's fucking Martin Shkreli. Yeah, I am. That's the guy that raised the price of AIDS medication by 5,000%. I did. Oh my god.
Pat!
We're going to get you on the Zodiac case. The way your mind works, the technology you know how to use.
That's Martin Shkreli. Everybody knows who Martin Shkreli is.
I didn't even have to look him up. Besides, he's drinking out of a mug that has his name on it, and his crime. He admitted to it.
Did you even look into these people for one second before you hired them? Pat, we don't really have the detectivery skills that you have.
I just googled it. I don't really have access to the technology that you have. All it was was a Google search. I just literally googled it on YouTube. Literally for our company to have the infrastructure. I just typed in G-O-O-G-L-E dot C-O-M and then I was there. I just googled it! Well, I guess we're at a standstill, because we don't have as advanced of technology as Pat here does.
I am so sorry to say, Martin. I'm going to need to show you to the HR office. I know. I'm sorry.
Company policy. The line's going to be extra long today too. Come on. No! Get off me.
I guess it's a good thing she didn't Google me.
Ooh, I got you a gift. Let me tuck you into bed. I'm like, ooh, God, yes! So sign up for your free trial today. It was so great meeting you. If you want to share some of those candy bars or rewind some time, I am available. You get 125, I can get 125.
I don't know. It's just an idea. |
SaturdayNightLive | julia_stiles_monologue_saturday_night_live | Julia smiles! It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. this is actually the 500th original episode of the show. Hey, Julia! Julia, I saw you in that movie.
Oh, you mean, say the last dance? Yeah, I thought you were wonderful in it. Wow. Tracy, thanks. And the scene where you kissed that black dude, man. it was such a tender moment, man. I thought I was gonna cry. wow, that's really nice. that's really nice.
Yeah, so after the show, I was thinking, if you're hungry, we could go over to Twin Donuts or we could just go back to your place. aren't you married? yeah, that's why I said, your place. hey, what are you people staring at? I don't know what century y'all living in, but a black man getting together with a white lady? this ain't no show! Tracy, this is a show. that's the audience. they're supposed to be staring.
Oh, that's funny. not like I was saying. You know what people say, you know what I'm saying? I saw you making out with that black dude, and I just said, man, I got to get with you, girl. Tracy, I was acting. it was a movie. Oh, wait a minute. nobody can act that good, Boo. You know what people say, once you go black, you don't never go back. Come on, Tracy, you're smarter than that. No, I'm not. You got Jungle Fever. you got Jungle Fever. Tracy, jungle Fever? that's a horrible stereotype. yeah, but I don't mind that one, or the one about us having long dons.
Okay, that's. that is enough. I guess you're right, and I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you saved the last dance for me.
Hit it, Lenny! What are you doing? I'm getting my dance on. I bet they got Derek kids. Do it like that, right? Stop. this is Never gonna work. I am a 19-year-old college student, and you are a 35-year-old man with five kids. and? my parents are watching. I'll meet you at Twin Donuts after the show. Oh, I got to hit it, Lynn! we have a great show tonight. heroes with us here. |
dropout | collegehumor_all_nighter_2013 | Draw a sis! No! I like it! I know! The all-nighter! Yes! Boom!
Oh, come on, seriously? CollegeHumor.com is a large group of smart people working very hard to waste five minutes of your time. You can watch original sketches, web series.
Everything. Guns, violence, slaps, cross the base. Kissing, dudes kissing.
The all-nighter is an annual event. We've been doing it five years now. It's a night where we all stay up and we make as many videos as we possibly can for you guys. So if you're up studying all night for finals, or you're working the night shift, or you just need a break from all that porn... Basically, it's sort of a personal challenge to us to see how long it takes for us to completely lose touch with reality. We do a live stream where we try our best to entertain people who are watching at 4.15 in the morning. We're like the Lance Armstrong of comedy. We're just enduring, enduring, enduring, making things happen. But at the end of the day, nobody respects us. And the later it gets, the weirder and weirder and weirder it gets.
Hey! Go! First person to complete their entire six-foot sandwich wins. Deal! You gotta consume every single ingredient. Deal! Also, you can't use your hands. You gotta eat that dish off the table with your mouth. No. Deal! Also, you can't chew. No. Deal! One more thing. No. Deal! Oh, this is so hard.
What's wrong? I just had lunch. What'd you eat?
Twelve-foot sub. Oh, that sounds good. Knock knock.
Who knows?
The all-nighter's kind of like watching Lost. You know, it starts off at a pretty solid place and you're enjoying it. By the end, it really makes no sense whatsoever. But at that point, you're so invested in it, you just stick around for fun because you've just fallen in love with everyone. Every year, I'm so excited for the all-nighter. And then every hour that goes by, I hate it more and more until I desperately want to cancel it by 6 in the morning. And that's when the video started to get really fun.
Wait, wait, wait! Are we in a Mexican standoff? I think so. This is badass. A real Mexican standoff. Wow. This has been a dream of mine since I was like 6 years old watching Reservoir Dogs.
Oh, damn. Oh, no. I'm really sorry. It just went off. I don't know. I'm sorry. I didn't think I'd feel.
Now this is just a normal standoff. A Mexican standoff needs at least three people, each of whom can't shoot one opponent without being shot by another.
I know. Murph! No! Which one of you dirty sumbitch has shot my throat? I'll kill you! I'll kill you with the bullets that come out of this spot.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. We got that magic bag. Right here! One thing that's great about the all-nighter is that we get guests to come in. My favorite guests include the whitest kids you know.
Matt McCarthy. Matt McCarthy was a good one. Pete Holmes.
John Gabris has been a favorite guest of mine always, because I think every year that goes by, he's worn less and less clothing. I think our favorite guest is you, you know, just like you and your... I'm probably yours. Well, I would say Ben Schwartz. We ask them to join us, and then they have the privilege, the honor, of coming to work at 4.30 in the morning to shoot a two-minute sketch where they get spaghetti dumped on their face. That's very technical.
So check out the College Humor all-nighter on May 23rd at 8 p.m. Not just for college people, for everyone! Though college people should enjoy it too. It's like... Come on over to CollegeHumor.com or check out the live stream on YouTube. Come join us Thursday May 23rd at 8 p.m. and watch the all-nighter.
Or just upload a virus and destroy our website. Who knows how long it'll go? Maybe all night? Maybe even longer than that. It'll just be all night.
No promises. We promise. |
TheOnion | Moon_Dead_At_29 | Astronomers have confirmed that the moon has died. After gaining international notoriety for its ability to track the seasons, the moon was beloved by billions, though fame came with a price. The celestial satellite struggled with addiction to drugs, alcohol, and late-night rituals with the occult before its untimely passing. The moon was 29.
The Supreme Court has declared that now they're going to wear gold crowns. In a rare unanimous decision, the Supreme Court has resolved that from now on, each justice will wear a golden crown encrusted with diamonds for all future sessions. Chief Justice Roberts detailed how the court would also don flowing red capes and replace their gavels with scepters as children fan them with palm fronds while they deliberate cases. Reportedly, there was very little debate among the justices who ruled that they must be carried to the Supreme Court building on palanquins and will no longer come to decisions without being fed the best food and wine in all the land. Looks like if your case makes it all the way to the Supreme Court, you'd better be ready to dance to the delight of all nine justices.
Otherwise, they might pull the lever activating their new trapdoor, dropping you into a pit of hungry tigers. Small cappuccino with 400 drums of mustard gas. I can't tell you how many times this order has made me an accessory to violations of the Geneva Convention.
Shredded pork latte. No matter how many times I slaughter a pig, it just never gets easier. I hate the pre-made salads. They don't take any preparation or work on my part, but I am haunted all day at the thought of a person who is so sad, so lonely, so miserable that they would stoop to buying a cold and clammy chicken quinoa salad from the refrigerated case of a Starbucks to presumably eat as a meal.
No less. The emptiness of their existence weighs on me long after my shift ends. Mop water. Hard to make it dirty enough. Very little progress. And all I want is to get these beautiful French pastries right.
So please, just stop watching me. Stop it. Look, I am literally shaking. Are you listening? I said go, or I'm going to mess up.
Sometimes, I think there is something seriously wrong with me. Something no amount of modern medicine could ever cure. Sometimes, I'm afraid of myself.
FUCK! I told you not to watch, god damn it!
I hope you're all happy with yourselves. |
Wizards_with_Guns | you_won_t_believe_what_these_wizards_got_away_with_ | Guys, I think someone's at the door. Oh. Uh, maybe all three of us should answer the door at the exact same time. Yeah. Hey. What do you want? Geez, I mean, I just heard you guys hit 100k, so I came to say congrats. Mm-hmm. No, I'm serious. I came to give you guys your reward. Oh. I mean, okay. Yeah, here you go. Thanks.
I thought you were messing with- oh. This is the plaque for the Wizards of Guns highlights channel. You thought. Wow.
I couldn't let you have it.
You know what, Algorithmius? Thank you. Huh? You're not mad at me? Yeah, we sort of realized fighting you was never really the answer. And that it's a confusing allegory. What? I thought you hated me for my general smell and the way I dress. It's just better to accept you for who you are. Really? Yeah.
YouTube is our home. So like it or not, we're st- A family!
Okay, bring it in. Thank you. You know, I'm sorry too. And honestly, I liked your JCS parody. I thought it was real. A surprising amount of people did. You know, I think this could work, yeah. I'm gonna help you guys out. Really? No joke. I'm gonna help you guys out! Oh. Uh, thanks. I think we could really be a good team- Oh!
Oh my god, he's down! Jesus! Oh! Oh my god! I got him!
Magius? I just had a clear shot and I took it and oh my god, my heart's beating so fast right now. No! It's crazy! I'm like a high! Magius, what the hell? What?
I thought this is what you guys wanted. Like, we're fighting the Algorithm. Like it's a war! Wait, what are you guys even doing? We're about to film our 100k special.
Oh! Can I be in it? No. Fine! You can't be in my 100k special. On what platform? Truth Social. Why are you here? I'm a Door Dasher, I do Door Dash now. Really?
Yeah, someone ordered a, what is this, a bagel? No one here ordered a bagel.
I did. Oh, okay. Extra schmear, was it? Yes sir. Yeah, I licked it all off.
I was hungry on the way over. Did you really Door Dash one bagel? I mean, the delivery cost alone is like double the bagel.
Excuse me, where's my tip? It's through the app. Oh, oh yeah, sorry. Smokey bones to go? It's 10am! Why won't they hang out with me? Are you okay?
Buckle up, Buckheads. Thank you! 100,000 Whizzlers! We did it. I remember saying to Frank, the highest goal is to hit 40k, and Frank was like, no, no way man.
Mitchell wasn't our friend back then. We didn't talk to him. No, we didn't know him. He wasn't there.
We just had a tripod back then. Mitchell's sort of a human tripod, if you will, he's sort of spindly, gangly, three legs.
We're seriously so grateful for all the encouraging comments, all the support you send our way. I've never read a single comment like that. But seriously, it is a huge milestone, and it's all thanks to you, so we super appreciate it. It has been truly, truly what?
Good. Fine.
We are genuinely proud of this milestone, and it really means a lot to us. To have been able to get this much support from you guys, it's really pushed us so far, so thank you. That was super nice.
We got to cut that out. None of that was funny. Not bad. Was there a joke? Too genuine. Can you just put a few farts? Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine. You can cut that in.
To have been able to get this much support from you guys, it's really pushed us so far. By the way, huge thank you to our patrons. Yes, the Patreon has been a godsend. Because of you guys, we can think of literally almost anything, and we have the support to create that content. And we really appreciate it.
We bought, I bought a new pair of sandals. With my own money, it wasn't Patreon money. Okay. I just thought I'd share.
They're gold. They're too small.
Real quick, we want to shout out a few creators who have either helped us out or we just absolutely love their content. Sort of a page from Joel Haver's book. He gave us a shout out that pushed us past 100,000. So thank you, Joel. I want to say go check out his content, but you're likely already a fan of his incredible animations and his improv-style sketches. And he's funny too.
That's true. I think.
I've never seen his videos. I've never seen them.
So all these creators we're about to mention, they're some of our favorites and they've been in a lot of our content, starting with, of course, ZooQuap Studios. Bryce, thank you so much for helping us out with our videos. He's just such a nice guy too. He puts a lot of heart into his content and he's got a really nice tongue in cheek style and I think you guys would appreciate it. So if you haven't already, go and show him some love. Originally we found his channel, we binged all his content and we said we have to meet this guy. Turns out he lived in Florida and we've been collabing in each other's stuff ever since. Bryce is one of the most naturally funny guys we know and he always has these elevated sketch ideas.
And we're friends. Yeah, I mean, yeah. We love you, Bryce. Hi, Bryce. Hi.
Next, of course, his brother, Blair.
He's an amazing comedic actor, not so much a video creator, more of an incredible musician. He makes some incredible western gothic country blues rock music that we're all huge fans of.
If you're a racist, you're going to hate his music. You're just not going to like it. But you'll love our content. Not at that rate.
Go check out his band, CB Carlisle and the Desert Angels on Spotify. Next up, we want to shout out Mammoth in Space and No Carrick. These two helped us out in our JCS parody. They have some of the best comedic chemistry. If you haven't seen the video, go watch, I mean, just check out their channels. As someone who edits a lot, I have to say Mammoth in Space has some of the best comedic editing we've ever seen.
He's really sharp, perfectly timed, and he's so creative with it. And No Carrick, he's one of a kind. He's got some really funny and really crazy shit. He wonderfully blurs the line between creator and character, and so it kind of creates that strange feeling you get when you watch somebody who's really invested in what they're making.
So please go subscribe. Hey guys, Philip DeFranco here to talk about two more YouTubers we got to know pretty well during the month after we filmed all this. First off, we have Trent Lankarski, who is in our latest sketch and is just one of the kindest guys we've ever met. He's got some of the best delivery of anyone we've worked with, and some call him the Joe Para of YouTube. We did. We called him that. So go check him out. Next, we got Laika Fox Studios. This guy puts even more effort into his production and writing than we do, and it shows with how quality his videos are. We just recently binged his whole channel and just loved everything. So please show him some love. Help us bring this genre of sketch comedy back to YouTube, because it is not easy to make.
I miss Freddie Wong. You remember Freddie Wong?
Also, who is Old Smosh, and why do you keep saying we look like him? And like and watch all these people's videos, in Blair's case his music. All their links are down in the description. So go check them out if you haven't already.
Also, we'd really like to thank all of our friends and family who have helped us over the years grow our channel and just support us in every way. They put up with a lot, so thank you guys.
Do a like a Wojak thumbnail face. A Wojak? You know that racial group you always impersonate?
Dude. Woah.
Should I be? The Caucasian racial group?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that one. Classic. That one. Do it. Do that face.
Thanks for watching guys, and for liking and subscribing. Please hit that notification bell. That helps us out so much, and we've got a lot of good sketches coming down the pipeline. If you haven't checked out our Patreon we have behind the scenes and bloopers for almost I think every sketch we've ever made. Just about. Thanks so much guys. We love you.
Bye. Just say it.
You're good at it.
I'm not going to do it. It's just for me. We won't post this. You're going to post it. We won't put it on the main channel. Just say it. Just please.
Favorite candy? Reese's Pieces. A bag of Lifesaver gummies, you give me a bag of those, they're gone. |
SaturdayNightLive | nightline_bob_dole_and_colin_powell_saturday_night_live | This is Abc News Nightline, reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel. the race for the 1996 Republican Presidential nomination is, in a word, unique. unique in that there are not one, but two frontrunners. one is Senator Bob Dole, who declared his candidacy on April 10th of this year and has been leading comfortably in the polls ever since. the other, a frontrunner, if you will, is General Colin Powell, who, while not officially a candidate, would be leading Senator Dole by a wide margin should he ever enter the race. And both of these gentlemen join us this evening.
General Powell, first of all, let me just ask you, it seems the American people would probably literally jump through hoops at this point in order to get you to be the Chief Executive Officer of the United States. would you buy that? Well, Ted, I'm flattered by all the interest, but this whole thing has kind of fallen into my lap and I need a little time to think it out. I mean, it's not like I've been waiting my whole life to be President. All right, fair enough, General.
But if you decide to run, what kind of candidate are you? Democratic candidate, Republican candidate, What? Well, does it matter, Ted? actually, as of late, I've been leaning towards running as an independent. that way I get to skip the primaries and go straight to being President. And then I can spend primary season on the beach. If, in fact, you do enter the race, and at this point I know it's only speculation, Have you given any thought to the team you might select to help you run this country? well, a little. certainly, Bill Bradley will be a tremendous asset as either Vice President or a Secretary of State. perhaps I could coax Mario Cuomo out of retirement to become my new Attorney General.
And with regard to Secretary of Agriculture, I think Senator Dole here will make a wonderful wonder. Senator Dole, perhaps you had something to say?
Oh, no, no. just got something caught in my throat that day, Cabo. General, your immense popularity persists despite or perhaps because of a lack of information about many of your positions. that's true enough, Ted Cabo. Yeah, we don't know a lot about the General yet. kind of mysterious. Yeah, that's good. American people love a mystery man. an anonymous drifter skulking out of the tall weeds on the side of the road, hitchhiking away into Washington. Yeah, sounds like a fine choice.
Senator, Now let me just get this straight. Are you saying General Power is some kind of troubled loner lying in wait with the intention of raping the country? No, no, no. no, I'm not saying that. you're saying that, Ted Cabo. I'm saying no such thing, Senator.
General Powell is a war hero. Oh, he sure is a war hero. of course, pretty easy to be a war hero nowadays. all you have to do is sit back at headquarters, pushing buttons, drinking espresso, letting Schwarzkopf do all the work while you're sitting here, Fat ass. back in Ww2, the Big one, a war hero. somebody would jump in a grenade, it blows. damn arm, nine ways to Saturday.
Senator, I have the utmost respect for your war record, and as I think we all do, I saw quite a bit of action myself over in Vietnam. Yeah, you did a hell of a job over there. a big victory for us. really kick some ass. Now, Senator, you're out of line. I commanded some of the finest men I've ever known in Vietnam, and they did a splendid, splendid job.
Yeah, splendid, splendid. that's a good word. General. Yeah, splendid. you know who says that word, splendid a lot? my wife and my mother, other women. You know what I find peculiar, Ted Cobble? General.
Couldn't wait to let homosexuals in the military. got to make a fellow wonder. I don't ask, you don't tell. that suits you fine, doesn't it, General? that works out splendidly for you. Hang on, wait just a daggone minute, Senator. perhaps you're not, certainly you're not trying to say or imply that General Powell is just some kind of homosexual. No, no, no, I'm not saying that, Ted Cobble. you're saying that. I'm just trying to remind the American people where Bob Dole stands on the issues. prayer in school, Bob Dole's for it. Balance Budget, Bob Dole's for it. vaginal sex, Bob Dole's for it.
Senator, I'm happily married and you know it. Yeah, you're happily married, that's right. Yeah, a lot of people like to drive two cars.
I'm talking about Ted Cobble. The American people need to know When Bob Dole's sitting across the table from Boris Yeltsin, there'll be no come hit their look in Bob Dole's eye, I'll tell you that. That's right. Bob Dole's not gonna sell out his country for an erotic background from Boris Yeltsin. I'll tell you that right now, Ted Cobble. Senator, Are you saying that a President Powell might someday wake up with Boris Yeltsin hanging over him like a shawl, reeking up the White House sheets with the smell of vodka, sweat, and cheap cigarettes? I'm not saying that, Ted Cobble, you're saying that.
Well, gentlemen, thank you for stopping by this evening. that's all we have time for. I'd like to thank my guests tonight, General Colin Powell and Senator Robert Dole. for all of us at Abc News, I'm Ted Cobble, Abc News New York. Good night. |
TheOnion | Amy_Winehouse_s_Grammys_Returned_By_London_Pawn_Shop_Out_Of_Respect_For_Deceased | The nation's weirdest teen buys a season one DVD of Murphy Brown. A botanist is holding up the entire salad bar. And a London pawn shop returns all of Amy Winehouse's Grammy awards out of respect for the deceased. And now your recap of this week's news, weather permitting. The U.S.S.R. officially won the space race after the U.S. terminated its shuttle program last week, ending a 54-year rivalry between the two global superpowers. From East Berlin to Leningrad, millions of excited Soviet laborers cheered on the demise of the decadent West space program. And former premier Mikhail Gorbachev addressed thousands of his comrades gathered in the Red Square, saying that the interstellar victory was proof of the superiority of communist tenets.
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is worried the phone hacking scandal may have tarnished his heretofore perfect reputation as a pillar of honesty and ethics in business. The billionaire industry titan said that after decades of being known around the world as a true humanitarian and exemplar of journalistic integrity, he may soon have to step down from his post in order to salvage his previously spotless legacy. Al Qaeda is refusing to carry out any further terrorist attacks until the U.S. mass transportation infrastructure is drastically improved, calling the country's roads and bridges a quote, travesty, unbecoming of a developed first world nation. We want to turn your bridges into rubble, but if we took credit for making them collapse, no one would ever believe us. The terrorist group demanded the U.S. step into the 21st century and build a high-speed rail line, which they claim to be both an efficient mode of transportation and something actually worth destroying. In sports, Shaquille O'Neal prepares for his new job with TNT by doing research on talking, sitting, and looking directly into things. In other news, an emergency team of 8th grade civics teachers is dispatched to Washington to teach them how the government works. A new documentary focuses on the life of Eva Braun's late husband, and the nation is now ready for its din-din. And that brilliant display of journalism is why CNN has been trying to poach me for months. For more stories, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_deobra_redden_on_attacking_the_judge_during_his_trial_snl | Recently a video went viral of a defendant attacking a judge in a Las Vegas courthouse. let's have a look here with more about it is the flying defendant himself. Diobra Reddon Diobra. What compelled you to attack the judge like that man. you were asking the wrong questions che you should be asking how cuz they ain't no damn waste. Somebody should be able to attack a judge in her own damn courtroom. How hard is it to catch a grown man flying across the court of law, man?
So you're trying to say this is not your fault. What I'm trying to say is every single one of them sheriff's need to be fired man. play. Play the play the clip again, man. now if you look close Judge right? great for now what y'all don't see is the bail of he behind me, right? he rubbing his hands on his belly like this just straight daydreaming. So, you know what that means What? my homeboy was thinking about a snack, you know, let me break it down breath while I fly this way, right? The bail of he run behind me. he fall down. look at man. that's terrible. Put the Duncan down, pick up the taser and do something. man. I was in the effort like four five, six good seconds man. shame on him back, you know, you do have a point.
That was crazy. I don't think a judge has ever been attacked in their own courtroom before exactly. Man, it was crazy that I made contact. I was shocked. Like why this judge wasn't behind some glass man. like how is this my fault? I was bluffs it. I thought I was gonna bounce off some glass.
What glass everybody got glass man. Cab drivers got glass. People that work at the movie theater got glass. even Cvs shampoo got some glass man.
As I was running I thought man, they for sure gonna be some glass you feel, Do you feel any remorse? Of course I do. Man I was just trying to shake her up a bit, you know what I'm saying? But when I actually made contact I was like damn now I gotta stand on business. Can you believe that when they bought me back the court they put a muzzle on me? Man yeah, probably for everybody's safety.
I bite nobody. Not a just gas in it. I do no mouth stuff.
Well, your sister spoke up for you. You said you was having a mental breakdown, is that true? I believe that may have been the case. yes, you know, mentally it was a breakdown, but athletically, it was a come-up man. But I tell you what, Now when I go to that court for that appeal, I bet y'all gonna have some glass. Ladies and gentlemen, Diobra good night. |
dropout | couples_treat_single_friends_like_toys | I'm bored. I'm bored of you.
Been in a relationship for a while? Run out of things to do with your significant other? Well, why not try meddling in the affairs of your single friends? I'm lonely. I wish I could have a relationship just like yours.
Susie works at my office. Tim's my friend from college. I always trust my friend Brian's advice. Becky has great taste in them, unlike me. Single friends just love it when you tinker about in their love lives and sold separately first date spots, a coffee shop between both of their houses, a park down by the river, You're so handsome. and a bar that neither of them would normally go to so it won't get ruined if the date goes bad. It was so insightful of Brian and Becky to realize we had so many interests in common. I can't wait to have exciting first-time sex with you. You mean like the kind that Brian and Becky used to have? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh, tell him to get her flowers. She loves flowers. Remind her to bring up the cross.
He played in high school and he loves talking about it. Wow! Your arms are so big! Are you an athlete? It's going great. Want to make out? Yeah, I know. Talk to your single friend separately to get all the fun single person details. So how big was this dick? Big! Just like I always pictured. Was she funny? Uh, not really. Oh look, you're such a prize.
You know, I was thinking they should go to that spa we used to love. Maybe we should go too. Oh Brian, yes.
Our relationship is saved. And all we had to do was live vicariously through others. You know the Capital One call? When you get off my goddamn back! Okay, all of a sudden it's going to change. Oh, single friends. A great way to rekindle your stale love life. Or if you're gay just being in open relationships. It's not our money.
I was abandoned in this office when I was 10 years old by my parents. I've only eaten pizza for such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_9_4_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. We're still in isolation, a lot of people, both voluntarily, a lot of people ordered by the state government. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate, of course here with Errol Parker editor-at-large, how are you Errol?
Good mate. Trying to stay positive in these trying times, just trying my best. Aren't we all mate, aren't we all? And of course, Wendell Hussey, the young fella, the news reader, how are you mate? Doing very well thanks Clancy, a bit the same as Errol but working on some new hobbies so it's all good. As Queen Elizabeth says, just know that better times will return.
Now just a message from our partner today, Sane.org, before we go any further into the bulletin, life is far from ideal right now and this can really impact our mental health. Now that we're all stuck at home, it's still so important that we stay connected to one another. If you need some support when it comes to your mental health and wellbeing, the Sane forums are a place where you can talk online to people who get it. They know what you're going through because they've been there too. Yeah, you're sure to find someone in a similar position as you to talk to. The forums are completely free and anonymous plus mental health professionals are there in the background 24-7 so you'll always feel safe and supported. So why not sign up right now and chat to others at Sane.org forward slash forums. That's S-A-N-E dot org forward slash forums. Because physical distancing doesn't have to mean social distancing. Sane.org slash forums. We care because we've been there. But in the news this week, it's almost like our first non-coronavirus centric news week this week in isolation, everyone's still locked down, everyone's still locked indoors except Cardinal Pell it seems.
He's a free man and we wrote a story just after that one broke with a headline, We need victims to speak up, says legal system that just dismissed an entire jury's decision. Yes, the old bastards there on the high court caused a bit of stir this week. They did when they decided to throw out the jury's decision and acquit the former cardinal of his criminal convictions. Maybe next time you're called up for jury duty, Errol, you can get out of it by saying there's no point. Or I would just tell the guys in charge of selecting who's on the jury that I prefer my justice in more of a Jack Ruby type. Swift Channel Country Justice is I believe what it's called. That's one way. But I don't think juries will be around much longer judging by Tuesday's verdict.
And were there any comments on that one, Wendell? Yes, there was Clancy, there was one from David Morgan, a resident of our French quarter who said, Scottish law allows this verdict of not proven, which means we can I say beyond reasonable doubt, you did it. But we think you're guilty as fuck your nonce, which might have come in handy in this case. Indeed, indeed. What else is there?
Well, after that verdict, which caused shockwaves around the country, it was felt up there in Sydney with Tony Abbott apparently inquiring about whether picking up a mate from prison counted as essential travel. You know, a lot of people were taken back by the news, of course. But for Tony Abbott, it meant he had to spring into action. As soon as he heard the news, he asked his Google home whether he could travel down and pick up Cardinal Pell from Barwon prison. He visited him down there a couple of times. And of course, we had to break the breaking news that he smuggled a Bible into Barwon prison inside his anal cavity.
I believe the Latin term is rectal cavity. Yeah, the kids call it shelving.
Yeah, they were close mates, actually. But it seems they have linked back together because Abbott was able to drive down there to Kew. Yeah, I think the correct pronunciation of that is Kew. And there, they were reunited together again and it was happy ever after for Australia's most hated Catholics.
Speaking of disgraceful crowds in public, Wendell. Yes, back home in town now and disgraceful crowds at the park shamed in online photos taken by a woman who is also at the park. Down at Jason Little Reserve there in the old city district, this lady decided to call them out for being in the park at the same time as her.
Yes, it seems like a new etiquette is rapidly developing in the space of going out in public during these uncertain times. But you can bet your bottom dollar, like most things, there will be a boomer fumbling with their iPhone to complain about other people. Yeah, that seems to be happening particularly at supermarkets and cafes as well. Elsa around Baturda now and Binh Day a little bit louder after a week of social distancing. Yes, the knock-on effects of coronavirus can be seen and heard. Binh Day each week around the country, particularly in the suburbs, you can just hear a little bit more clinking.
Have you guys been drinking more in isolation? Because I know that my liver looks like Darren Hincher's first liver right now. Yes, I've been having a bit of a tipple, but obviously with the pub's close it has limited me somewhat. And there's only so much drinking you can do with a stash of beer and wine. Usually around about 9pm I move on to an array of hard spirits that you just can't keep stocked up in your house. So I actually have been giving myself a bit of a breather by accident.
Well, I like to pour a bottle of red wine out on a baking tray and then I boil it right down so it's like a thick type of paste. And then once I get the paste, because all the alcohol has evaporated out of it in the oven, I like to mix that with a bit of vodka.
Could be nice on ice cream. It's nice everywhere, Wendell.
Certainly sounds like it. And there was a comment on that one from Dick Jappi who said, Ah, nothing warms the heart more than the crash and tinkle of the recycling bin being emptied, ready for the next lot of empty stubbies. Who needs Mozart or Beethoven? I'm truly alive. I believe you pronounce that name Dick Jappi.
But there's always next time, Wendell. Moving on. Moving on and wrapping up now with a bit of a fun story for the week.
Purplehead Aunty hasn't posted any anti-vaxxer memes for a little while. Yes, that Aunty that sometimes shows up at family barbecues trying to talk about stupid stuff like chemtrails and the high speed rail bushfire conspiracy has been very quiet of late.
Yes, some people in her family are suggesting that the 5G may have finally got her. She's been very concerned about the 5G getting inside of her brain and telling her to do things like perhaps driving a truck full of some agricultural grade fertilizer that's been lovingly lathered with some diesel into a government building and blowing it up. Low tech terrorism. She's a bit worried about 5G getting into her head. But one thing she cannot argue against is the importance of vaccinations and immunisations in Australian society and indeed right around the world, because right now we are witnessing society collapse without one vaccination.
That's it for us this week from the Batutah Advocate newsroom. I am Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate.
Thank you for joining us in isolation. You can see we are starting to go a little bit stir crazy, but we will continue reporting the news diligently and of course, accurately and fairly. Thank you for joining me, gentlemen. Yes, enjoy your Easter. Thank you. Easter doesn't exist this year. Stay home. Goodbye.
Actually, but it seems they have linked back together because Abbott was able to drive down there to Kew. Yeah, I think the correct pronunciation of that is Kew. Kew.
And there, they were reunited together again and it was happy ever after for Australia's most hated Catholics. Speaking of disgraceful crowds in public, Wendell. Yes, back home in town now and disgraceful crowds at the park shamed.
In online photos taken by a woman who is also at the park. Down at Jason Little Reserve there in the old city district, this lady decided to call them out for being in the park at the same time as her.
Yes, it seems like a new etiquette is rapidly developing in the space of going out in public during these uncertain times, but you can bet your bottom dollar, like most things, there will be a boomer fumbling with their iPhone to complain about other people. Yeah, that seems to be happening, particularly at supermarkets and cafes as well. Elsewhere around Baturda now and Binh Day a little bit louder after a week of social distancing. Yes, the knock-on effects of coronavirus can be seen and heard. Binh Day each week around the country, particularly in the suburbs.
You can just hear a little bit more clinking. Have you guys been drinking more in isolation? Because I know that my liver looks like Darren Hinch's first liver right now. Yes, I've been having a bit of a tipple, but obviously with the pub's close, it has limited me somewhat and there's only so much drinking you can do with a stash of beer and wine. Usually around about 9 p.m. I move on to an array of hard spirits. You just can't keep stocked up in your house. So I actually have been giving myself a bit of a breather by accident. Well, I like to pour a bottle of red wine out on a baking tray and then I boil it right down so it's like a thick type of paste and then once I get the paste, because all the alcohol has evaporated out of it in the oven, I like to mix that with a bit of vodka.
Could be nice on ice cream. It's nice everywhere, Wendell. Certainly sounds like it. And there was a comment on that one from Dick Jappe who said, Ah, nothing warms the heart more than the crash and tinkle of the recycling bin being emptied, ready for the next lot of empty stubbies. Who needs Mozart or Beethoven? I'm truly alive. I believe you pronounce that name Dick Jappe, but there's always next time Wendell. Moving on? Moving on and wrapping up now with a bit of a fun story for the week.
Purplehead Aunty hasn't posted any anti-vaxxer memes for a little while. Yes, that Aunty that sometimes shows up at family barbecues trying to talk about stupid stuff like chemtrails and the high-speed rail bushfire conspiracy has been very quiet of late. Yes, some people in her family are suggesting that the 5G may have finally got her. She's been very concerned about the 5G getting inside of her brain and telling her to do things like perhaps driving a truck full of some agricultural-grade fertilizer that's been lovingly lathered with some diesel into a government building and blowing it up. Low-tech terrorism, she's a bit worried about 5G getting into her head. But one thing she cannot argue against is the importance of vaccinations and immunizations in Australian society and indeed right around the world, because right now we are witnessing society collapse without one vaccination.
That's it for us this week from the Batutah Advocate newsroom. I am Clantie Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate.
Thank you for joining us in isolation. You can see we are starting to go a little bit stir-crazy, but we will continue reporting the news diligently and of course accurately and fairly. Thank you for joining me, gentlemen. Yes, enjoy your Easter. Thank you. Easter doesn't exist this year. Stay home. Goodbye. |
cracked | 4_simple_tasks_that_are_way_easier_than_they_look_in_movies_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello, internet! It's me, that guy I am, welcoming you to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show whose only real crime was loving pop culture too much. And arson, that one time. Today's episode looks at...
Look, I understand that movies are different than real life. I do. And I understand that certain things need to get exaggerated or embellished for the sake of a story, but sometimes Hollywood gets life so wrong that it takes me right out of the movie. And I don't like that. I prefer living in a movie.
It's... neater. In real life, lying is simple. It's literally the easiest thing in the world to do. Case in point, though it isn't. But whenever a character needs to lie in a movie, they suddenly forget everything they know about how words work and become a stuttering mess of mouth farts.
So Robin and I were just cheating, chatting. I wanted to say goodbye. Say goodbye to her and...
It's... mmm. McLovin. I am raking a trust. Sweat. It's just all very technical and boring.
The hot plate is because... Our friend was a... He was a chef. A chef. Of small plates of things. Many small items on hot plates. He mostly just heated it. I was just doing housework.
You grab a woman's breast and it's... and you feel it and it feels like a bag of sand.
Movies do this because telling a really bad and convoluted lie is a nice gateway to hijinks. And movies thrive on hijinks. If you ask someone in a movie where they were last week, they'll say, Uh, where was I?
I was in England. Where I'm from. Oh no, I gotta be British now! Forever!
Here's a pro tip for liars in the real world. If someone asks you where you were, and you don't want them to know the truth, I'll give you a list of answers you can say that won't arouse suspicion.
Yep. That's a good one. I've used that one. That's a good one. That one would work. All good. All solid things.
Everything about going to prom is a huge deal in movies. Getting a date, finding the prettiest dress or flyest top hat, depending on your situation. Or both, if you're just the raddest. Movie prom is also where all the stuff happens. It's where nerds profess their love to the popular girls in a big, grand speech.
It's where fights break out. It's where amazing choreographed dances happen.
And if you're really lucky, it's where the magic prom queen gets doused in an amount of pig blood that, frankly, never should have been sold to children in the first place. Real prom became much less exciting to me, when I learned that rented tuxedos are uncomfortable and full of strangers' farts, no one really wants to fight at prom, and the prom king and queen don't actually have any kind of constitutional authority over the rest of the school. Movies make a big deal out of proms, because you've got to have drama somewhere, and also we already bought all this pig blood, so we're not going to return it or flip it. An actual prom is full of music you don't like, people you kind of tolerate, and the vague hope of maybe making out with someone later. Even dressed up with a terrific date, it's hard to feel romantic when literally all of your teachers are watching you hide your dry humping in a slow dance to that shitty song from Titanic.
In Bridesmaids, Kristen Wiig and Rose Byrne passive-aggressively compete against each other in a series of cringe-inducingly awkward speeches that make everyone involved uncomfortable. In Arrested Development, Jason Baton concludes a Valentine's Day speech by slipping and admitting he's in love with his brother's girlfriend. When I love you, man, Jason Siegel gives a toast to Paul Rudd and accidentally implies to all of their friends and family members that Paul's fiance isn't performing enough blowjobs. When movie characters find out they need to give a speech at a funeral or wedding, it's not a question of if they're going to say an appropriate thing, but when, and to which grandmother. Spoiler, the oldest one.
In real life, wedding speeches are pretty straightforward. The groom sure did some embarrassing things when he was younger. Eventually, he met the bride, who was nice and sweet. Perhaps one day they will yield to children. This wedding means they can't testify against each other in a court of law.
End of speech. I got through that whole thing, and I didn't admit an embarrassing secret. The groom was capable for the bride, I didn't accidentally profess my love to anyone and I didn't mention oral sex even once. Yeah, listen to it again, I didn't say blowjob at all in that whole speech. Hire me to speak at all your things, America.
This is one of the strangest and most persistent movie tropes. Two people pretend to be in a relationship to cover up some kind of thing, usually a shenanigan, singular. As soon as our fake couple tells someone that they're together, this inevitably happens.
I'd like you to kiss each other. I want you to kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss!
Get on with it. Boop, boop, boop, boop.
No, that's sad. No, no, because we don't kiss. We don't kiss. At all. No kissing.
There's always a third character, usually a family member, who demands to see the couple kiss, as if to verify that they are in fact a couple, as if kissing is something that only couples can do. That scene has never happened in a movie where the couple wasn't just pretending to be a couple, and it's never happened in real life, because that would be insane. In real life, society does its best to weed out the kind of people who demand to see other people kiss in front of them.
The kind of person who, when introduced to a couple, says, BULLSHIT! Put your mouths together so I know it's true. Isn't the kind of person normal people like being around? This is a pretty heady concept, so I actually brought in a special guest to help me illustrate how easy it is to pretend you're in a relationship. Let's roll that! Hi, this is my current spouse, and to verify that, I have a lot of documents to...
What's that? You don't... you don't need any proof? You don't even want to see us kiss to confirm that we are in fact a couple? No, you're right, of course you don't. That would be crazy weird. Anyway, sports, or whatever? Ta-da! See how easy that was? Wasn't that e... Oh, you don't care. Anyway, that's it!
Rave! Shimmy, shimmy, yaw. Shimmy, yeah, shimmy, yeah. Gimme the mike so I can take a hoo-wah.
Off on the natural top. I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now, or dead, or something. Jerry can make things the way that they were. I'm not...
I'm not your savior! Ow!
The way of a wizard in exile is to be as a shadow.
All day!
If I don't get my magic back, I don't know what else you'll do. Have some beer. I'm not your savior! I'm pretty sure they think I'm some kind of drugging old man.
All day!
I got a drink in my hand, chugging in another one, I think that's my plan. Yeah! We killing it for show, sip a little something, don't spill it on the floor. No! We are those legends. Oh!
Pfft! |
TheOnion | Teen_s_Death_Hits_Reporter_Hard | Amanda Ecklund's classmates say she was one of the kindest and most generous students at Montgomery High. Her 4.0 GPA and hours spent volunteering at a local homeless shelter truly make her death at the hands of a drunk driver earlier this week all the harder to take for this school and this community.
I just keep asking why. Me too. Why? Why Amanda? Why not us?
I never knew Amanda but everywhere I went there were touching reminders of the caring friend she would have been to me had I known her. The halls where we would have talked about our classes. The student lunch room where we might have shared a piece of pepperoni pizza which might have been her favorite food. I know it's mine but it wasn't easy coming back to school now that Amanda's gone but we did it because that's what she'd have wanted us to do because that's our Amanda. But you didn't know her. Don't say that. I was already exhausted after the emotional roller coaster ride at the school but I knew there were more victims to be with. Amanda's family. That's her senior photo. She was class president. She was so talented.
It's just not fair.
Well I guess that God must have had some reason for taking her away. Right now I can't even imagine. Excuse me. I need a minute. I'm sorry. Can I keep this?
Losing Amanda was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but I knew I had to be strong for this community. I couldn't let them go through the funeral without my support. I don't want the pain to stop. I don't want the pain to get easier. She's so much better than all of us. I don't want to go on. The pain. She's not. She can't love so many people.
She loves you so much. Andrew, she loves you so much. What's your name? She loves you Russell. And we have already Shaw with us right now. Thanks Brooke.
Not quite how I would have reported this story. Seems a bit unprofessional to let yourself get so emotional. Well when people are feeling pain I feel it too. Don't you ever get emotionally invested in a story? No I don't. I had my tear ducts cauterized years ago and I like to keep my emotions stored in a special place in my mind where they only come out for my night terrors.
I guess it's like that old Japanese proverb. Wakatara sono mama de. Wakatana katata.
I saw that special report you did from the war zone in Darfur the other night. You almost got shot at one point. I didn't even notice. I was so wrapped up in the feelings of the moment that bullet could have passed right through me I wouldn't have even felt it. Too bad that didn't happen. Thank you for watching. |
dropout | the_rank_room_returns_trailer | What is the coolest way to murder someone? The greatest invention that has yet to be invented. The best thing to find in a treasure chest.
A sequel to Dinables. Fart announcement. Poisonous cannibal. Smelling mirrors. What? Okay. Your ideas are crazy. You've got a ripe amount of people here. No, right. Don't say right. You've got a ripe amount of people here.
Is it a toilet with backpack straps on it? Or is the toilet in the backpack?
Are you masturbating again? Yes! If it's glittery, it's it. I just roll with it. Come sit on me. Big finish. Let's begin ranking. Yes! This is so cool. I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it. It's your show. Word vomited out. A tattoo of genital sores and cuts. Oh my gosh. Jesus. Hi, I'm Katie Marovitch, and if you like that, subscribe to Dropout, where you can chat with most of the cast on the exclusive Dropout Discord.
I'm not on there. I can't figure out technology. I don't get it at all.
What is this? It's a camera, Katie. A what? A camera. A bra? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_217_Ashleigh_Lange_from_Weatherzone | It's one of those kind of days, I guess. We'd love to say it's sunny and shining. It's not.
It's flooding all over Western Queensland, all over New South Wales and Sydney again. It feels like this has been happening all year, and if you are one of those people who are suffering through these never-ending weather events, never-ending natural disasters, we do feel for you.
I mean, the Omicron's coming back, they reckon. It feels like 2020 has just kind of kept going, doesn't it, Wendell? Yeah, it certainly does. I mean, look, if you want to try and look on the bright side, the previous Deputy Prime Minister, Barnaby Joyce, he offered up some masks last year.
If you look at all these weather events, we're probably not going to have any more like this for another 1,000, 1,500 years. There's one in, you know, one in 100, one in 500, yeah, because we've had a couple really close back-to-back, you know, and these are one in 500 year events. Okay, so we have them all in one year, then we get some rest.
That means that we're in the clear kind of thing for a while. I think that's what he was saying. Well, today's guests can clarify if that is the case for us.
As you might have noticed, Errol Parker is not with us today. He had to go see a man about a dog. He's got a lot going on, renovating his granny flat out the back, DA approvals, yada, yada, yada. Tradies, experts, so he's out of action at the moment.
So Wendell will be joining me today. Thank you for joining, Wendell. Thank you for having me, Clancy. Great to be here.
Glad Errol has paid off his mortgage and can do renos. Yeah, that's, I mean, well, maybe the renos will help pay off the mortgage. You know, you rent out the granny flat, et cetera.
And today's guest, back to what we were talking about, is someone that can answer a lot of questions for us, because like a lot of Australians, you know, we like to think we know a lot. Like a lot of Australians, we like to think we're experts on any given topic that comes up in conversation and will argue the point that we're making to the very end, with or without, in fact, any actual knowledge of the topic at hand. But you know, sometimes you can only get so far doing that. And sometimes you need to speak to experts. And today's guest is an expert.
She's previously been with the Bureau of Mediology. You've probably seen her on a television screen over the last couple of years at some point. She is a head meteorologist at Weather Zone.
Ashley Lange, thank you for joining us. Thank you so much for having me.
Now, the first question I want to ask Ashley is, and I'm not asking you to get political, but can you refute that claim that having a bunch of one in 500 year weather events in one year means that we won't have any more for 2000 years? Yes, I can. It's not a return interval. It's actually a percentage. So the chance of having that event in any given year, they refer to it as a one in 500. But I can't remember the percentage, but it would be a point or 5% chance of that happening in any given year. So you can have two in the same year. Okay. Or in this case, more than two. Can you tell us what is happening around this country right now?
Is it La Nina? Why is there so much rain? So we have had two La Ninas in a row. So back to back La Ninas. La Nina technically ended in June, but the oceans are still a lot warmer than average. So it's feeding so much moisture into our weather systems. So that's creating all of this rainfall flooding, heavy rainfall events. So like I mentioned, we have that back to back La Nina as well. So the rivers are full, the dams are bulging. So this rainfall has just exacerbated the impacts of that as well. And so with the La Nina, it's back to back events.
It's not one big event that comes and hangs around for a couple of years, is it? It's that they come each year and then they frequently come back to back to back. Is that how it works?
La Nina and La Nina? Or is that a percentage game as well? So on average, La Nina occurs every one to two times a decade. So this year is our second La Nina in a row. Eventually there is a chance of a third La Nina coming this spring, potentially summer as well. So we're potentially looking at a triple dip La Nina. Do they get less? Is the third La Nina going to be a little bit less wet or is it going to be just more of the same?
It's probably the opposite because you've got such a wet landscape already. Like I mentioned, the bulging rivers, that adds to the effects of La Nina. So I guess it could make flooding more likely the third time around as well.
Okay. Thank you. We'll get ready for that. Listeners, prepare yourselves.
They're potentially a third one coming in spring. I want to talk about La Nina as a phenomenon. Maybe phenomena is the wrong word because as you said, it happens once every 10 years and it's a pattern and sometimes it happens three times in a year. But what is the other one that usually gets a run?
El Nino.
Okay. Can you explain the difference between those two for us please? Because as you can tell from the first five to 10 minutes of this interview, you're talking to five year olds here.
Not at all.
Well El Nino, a little boy, isn't he? And La Nina, a little girl?
Yes, exactly.
Spanish.
So there are three phases, La Nina, El Nino and neutral, neutral, normal weather for Australia. La Nina, wet, cloudy, floods, heavy rainfall like we've seen in the past two years. El Nino is dry. So around Australia, you've basically got cooler than average sea surface temperatures. So it's the opposite. You can see droughts with El Nino warmer than average conditions and below average rainfall.
And can you explain to me what creates these different patterns? Yes. I mean, neutral sounds like not much needs to happen in the scheme of things, but what creates each one? These aren't your Saturn returns, you know, your Mercury retrograde, Mercury Gatorade. Nothing like that. These are phenomena that you can identify and point out and predict? Yes, certainly.
So La Nina, El Nino, we do have a circulation called ENSO. It's called the El Nino Southern Oscillation Index. Basically what happens is it's a giant circulation in the Pacific Ocean. With La Nina, what that means is it drives warmer than average sea surface temperatures towards Australia, which creates that above average moisture, rainfall cloud towards Australia. The opposite happens with El Nino, so you've got cooler sea surface temperatures. It's basically an atmosphere and ocean phenomenon. So in the Pacific Ocean, so it's a really big circulation. And we have a similar one that happens in the Indian Ocean as well.
I want to ask as someone who is a meteorologist, you studied in Australia, we can tell by your rounded A's, I'm guessing South Australia somewhere, because there's a lot of chance of this happening. But it might be different in France, for example. That's where I want to go. Do you have to study a certain curriculum to be a meteorologist in Australia? Because as we always hear, it is a land of extremes. And the rain, you know, anyone who's been overseas when it's raining, you know, in Europe or in certain parts of Asia would know it's different. It's different rain. We have a version we're used to. That English rain is just spitting and it doesn't feel like it ever ends and it doesn't feel like the British would be looking at the BOM map or the weather zone app and wouldn't be looking at clouds the way we do, because we kind of have a different understanding of weather. And then of course, you get monsoonal in, you know, certain parts of Southeast Asia.
So do you have to study Australian meteorology? Yes. So we do do generic meteorology, but yes, we learn a lot about Australian.
And then obviously I posted to Sydney as well, and you learn about the local topography. So certain rivers, yeah, you've got micro scale weather events that can cause weather patterns. So you've got to learn about the environment, topography, and there's so much that goes into meteorology. So you've got to, I guess, study where you're living. So is it like you get the, not the basics, but the fundamentals, similar to say like a law degree or a business degree, you kind of get like the principles and the different stuff with topography and whatever. And then you can take that to different areas and then you study topography or whatever. And then you understand that this is what's happening in this certain area and these are the weather events.
Is that what it's a bit like? Yeah, exactly. So if I had been posted to Darwin, for example, I would have learned a lot, a lot of different meteorology. Wet season, dry season. Yeah. It's totally different. Well, somewhat.
Can I just quickly go back to the little boys questions with the weather events.
Those big formations that we're talking about in the Indian Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, Is there a lot of chat about they're actually starting to change and they're starting to become less predictable and they're starting to kind of, there's concerns raised about what's going to happen with weather going forward with those big events sort of changing and mixing up? So I guess La Nina and the Indian Ocean, Pacific Ocean, that is just background climate drivers that it's natural climate. I guess obviously you've got climate change, which is another background influence. I haven't heard about the timescales of La Nina and the Pacific Ocean example, changing schedules, I guess. I guess we've just got background influences of climate change now, which could be influencing it.
Yeah. And with climate change, obviously it's something that is, you know, it can be debated in the newswaves and in parliament house and whatever, but was that something you were, was that part of your background as well in your studies? Was that something that you were kind of preparing to take into account as it kind of accelerated or maybe became evident? Yeah, of course. We studied climate change, we studied how the atmosphere has changed over like a long period of time, how oxygen entered our atmosphere a long, long time ago. So yeah, it's been something we've studied for a while. Obviously now it's very prevalent. Yeah.
I feel like the climate's changing a little bit. Now I also want to ask though, when you were going back to the topography and the localized influences that, you know, a certain city or region would have to take into account, I'm interested in like the manmade element. So if you're doing Sydney or Brisbane, for example, you're kind of looking at the weather there and making predictions and forecasts, do you take into account buildings? Because that does, like that heats up a landscape as well. Like I know Western Sydney is often five degrees hotter than the coast and the same with South Brisbane. Yeah, we do take it into account, I guess it's well known that Western Sydney is going to be two to three degrees hotter than Eastern Sydney. A lot of the time that is because of sea breezes though, so local phenomena. Sometimes it hits Western Sydney, sometimes it doesn't, but it does take local knowledge to know when that's going to happen, when it's going to go to Western Sydney.
I want to go back to earlier in this year, we've gone through, you know, we've had quite a lot happening. The Brisbane floods, the Lismore floods and Lismore got two floods and who knows, we're praying for Lismore now that this weather kind of event's moving further north. Was there a moment when you said, with all of your knowledge, and you were looking at forecasts when you went, ooh, this year, was there a moment of that or was this kind of something you could see happening for a fair way out or are there moments when you see things lining up and you're like, okay, this might be a disaster now? Yeah, it wasn't a fair way out. I guess with La Nina, you know that heavy rainfall and flooding events are more likely. The fact that this one has lasted a lot longer than average, so it's lasted right through till June, they usually end in autumn. We've already had one in the bag as well, like I mentioned, so we've already got a landscape primed for flooding, basically. So I guess when you see these weather setups, you've also got these low pressure systems or east coast lows form, that's when you start getting quite concerned given how much moisture we have in the atmosphere at the moment.
Is there anything you'd like seeing in a forecast? You're like, ooh, that looks interesting. I mean, not to talk about, obviously you don't want to see the world burn, but if you're seeing some sort of pattern, you're like, oh, this is a moby dick, this is a white whale, we don't get many of these, and have you seen any in recent times?
I love thunderstorms. I love when Sydney gets thunderstorms, and really, really big ones. I know that's bad. Yeah, I don't wish hail events on anyone, but I do like thunderstorms. Well, you're a weather, you're almost a storm chaser, really, aren't you? Almost. Like that movie Twister, you want to follow these storms around with that steel cage and all those little balls that go up into it.
What are some of the more obscure or weirder events that you've seen? Have there been any ones that you're just like, I have never seen that before, or that is such a strange one, or, you know, that's the first time Australia's had one of those? Oh, we've had a lot of firsts recently, a lot of record-breaking rainfall. I guess the morning glory in Queensland is quite a weird one.
Hector the convector in the Northern Territory, that storm that forms at the same time every day, it's stunning. Please, please expand. Not familiar with Hector, how does that go? So it's a storm that forms in the Northern Territory, or near Darwin, every single day in the wet season.
And I don't know if you've seen pictures of it, it's stunning. I know a lot of cloud spotters. Well, there's a lot of cloud spotters up in Northern Australia, I do know that. And it's probably because they have that as a part of their daily routine. There's another one, the winds of Freo or something that come into Perth.
Fremantle Doctor. Yeah, the Fremantle Doctor.
Very strong sea breeze. Yeah, that's a really extraordinary one as well. I find the Sydney fogs very interesting. They never form in Sydney. And you can see, well, if you're ever up that early, you can see them actually roll in from western Sydney. It looks like a wall of cloud. It's quite phenomenal.
What was that one you said, morning glory? Please explain that one. That's an east coast thing. Queensland, so it's just a convergence zone in the morning. It's kind of like a roll cloud. Yeah, okay.
This is cloud spotting stuff. I'm going to have to, maybe we should organise a bucket list of all these ones you need to see. Morning glory, Hector the infector. Yeah, there's a big weather-obsessed group on Facebook. Maybe they could make up the ultimate bucket list. Yeah, there is a lot.
Now, I want to get to the basics, back to basics, not the five-year-old questions we were asking earlier. But can you explain some of the phenomena that we have grown used to as Australians?
For example, drought. Just something as simple as drought. The way a farmer would talk about it, I'm kind of underplaying their knowledge of, you know, their business. But, you know, a lot of people would say, the drought doesn't end until it rains. That's true. Why does the drought start? So generally, droughts start with these background climate drivers that I've been speaking about. So El Nino generally creates drought conditions. They can happen for several years where you've got below average rainfall. So basically, it's just a lack of moisture feeding into Australia's weather systems, creating these really dry conditions.
So obviously, we oscillate between that and La Nina and neutral conditions. So sometime in the next couple of years, we could see one. Oh, really? And that is an interesting one, and this kind of goes out of your realm, I suppose.
But having had so much rain and having all these trees that are just full of leaves, that might be a concern down the track as well. I mean, that's how it happened last time. But we've had so much water, we're going to have so much plant life. And when that dries out, that's something that I think as a pattern would result in fires. It's a concern.
Yeah.
As soon as all this vegetation dries out, it's primed for fires. Even this summer, I guess we've had a lot of grass growth. Grass can dry out.
So I guess grass fires could be increased risk this season if we don't see La Nina again. Okay. And you were saying a couple of years we might see an El Nino. Does that mean it could just be back to back? Like we have a La Nina this year, and then we get a couple of months and we're into the drought, into the dry stuff? Most likely we'll go back to normal conditions first.
Neutral. Like a year or two in neutral. Yeah. Give us a bit of neutral. Wouldn't we get in neutral?
What are some of the weather patterns around the world that have kind of been something that would be of note to someone in your field? I guess everyone speaks about London's weather all the time, the drizzle. Melbourne, four seasons.
I mean, I know it's here, but there's always a chat about it, isn't there? Yeah. But they've actually had some good weather recently. They get that ozone sun down there. It's like a laser. Yeah.
Don't ever get caught in the sun in Melbourne on a hot day, in jeans, when you don't know where your hotel is. Yeah, it's never fun. I've never been burnt in Melbourne.
No, it's a laser sun, yeah. And the other thing is the Mediterranean and certain parts of Asia, you know, Aussies who burn in Australia don't burn over there. People put that down to the ozone, but maybe it's just the land of extremes we live in. Do you take in the ozone hole that we live underneath in account? Oh, yeah. But I love the sun, so I'm a bit of a lizard. Well, the South Australians basically live in England anyway, so they're used to the cold. These monsoons, that's something Darwin probably gets a little bit of a taste of, and maybe North Queensland.
But how does that work? Is that all background influences as well, or is that just part of the routine? Yeah, it happens every year.
So in summer months, that's their wet season. And what happens is that monsoon trough, or let's think of it as a band of cloud and rain that just moves towards northern Australia. In winter, the dry season, it moves away from Australia. So when it moves towards Australia, that's called monsoon, wet season, and it creates a lot of rainfall for northern Australia. That's also cyclone season as well.
Yeah, OK. And America has a monster version of that. Yes. Yeah, like, well, hurricanes. I'm going to ask you right now to explain the difference between those two. Hurricanes and cyclones, one's on... They're the same thing. OK. Yeah, just happen in different parts of the world. They call them hurricanes. We call them cyclones. OK. Yeah.
OK.
And so what's the difference between tornado and cyclone and hurricane? So a tornado is a lot smaller than a cyclone. So tornadoes can happen in southern Australia, South Australia. Cyclones only occur where the oceans are, like, very warm above 25 degrees. So it's pretty much just northern Australia that they form, whereas tornadoes can form pretty much anywhere.
They're small, very, very dangerous as well. OK, so they pack a punch for their size.
Yes, definitely. And that's what the bunkers are and everything like that in America. They can tear houses up? Yes. Oh, right.
They're the incredibly fast moving ones. Very, very fast.
And how do they occur in the atmosphere? Oh, that's very... OK, so generally in thunderstorms, what happens is you've got to have quite a lot of rotation in the atmosphere. Strong winds. I guess the wind speeds have to vary with height and direction as well.
So you can create these little funnels. I guess that's probably as far into it as I'll go, because it's quite... Lots of kids running around the pool as fast as they can in a circular motion.
That's what kick-starts it. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.
I'm sorry for, you know, this was initially an interview about La Nina, but now we're asking you about the intricacies of middle American weather patterns. I want to ask now, head meteorologist of Weather Zone, Ashley Lange, what are your current forecasts for the next week or two? And what can Australians expect? I know that this is something that will be appearing on the news each night, but you're actually on the ground surrounded by the people who are looking at the screens and, like, Minority Report moving things around, making predictions and figuring out what's going to be happening here and where. Is it looking like more of the same?
So that weather system that actually has dumped 300 millimetres in Taree in 24 hours, that has now moved off the coast. We're starting to see some clear, dry air. So it's starting to ease, which is really, really good.
But we do have a cold front coming through next week, but a bit of a return to normal winter weather, I guess. Would you say it's colder this winter than what you'd be used to for a normal winter? So the start of winter was actually really, really cold. We saw, I think it was several cold spells that created a lot of, I guess, angst in the energy market as well. So we certainly saw a cool start recently. It hasn't been abnormally cold, I would say. Cold summer, too.
That was La Nina blocking the sun from us? Yeah, so exactly. Cloud and rain actually prevents daytime heating, so cooler than average daytime temperatures. But warmer nights, because the cloud acts as a little blanket.
Okay. I think Australians are going to be very excited for some of this neutral weather. Yes, I'm excited. Yeah, between the two La Nina, well, you know, the eight La Ninas that we're headed for, and then the next El Camino, which is the dry one. Coming straight off the back of the flies and touts. Yeah, it'd be nice. Yeah, well, thank you for explaining this to us, Ashley Lange from Weatherzone.
I was not aware of how much La Nina dictated our day-to-day. I thought there was a lot more influence, like it was just kind of background. The background stuff played the biggest part.
But would you say this, in Australia, those are the determining factors to whether you're having a nice picnic?
Yeah, I guess La Nina has certainly dominated our weather in the past two years. But there's a lot of other climate drivers that go on, like the Indian Ocean. There's also one in the Southern Ocean. And it is not the only thing that's responsible for these weather events. There's been other influences. Sea surface temperatures are a lot warmer than average at the moment, which creates a lot of moisture as well. And we've seen a lot of low pressure, East Coast lows this year. So that's another thing, just background weather systems.
Has the surf been abnormally off the back of this too? I mean, I haven't spoken to any surfies recently, but they tend to have a great idea of what's happening on the westerlies and southerlies and northwesterlies and the swells with all of this rain and all this weather. Our surf reports have been informed by La Nina as well. Yes, so the weather events that we've had, we've had several East Coast lows, low pressure systems, that actually whips up a lot of strong winds. And it's pushed some pretty decent swell towards the New South Wales coast. So it has been significant in the past couple of days. Yeah, gnarly, surf's up.
I just wanted to ask a quick question about your day-to-day role at Weather Zone. And you were previously at the Bureau of Meteorology. Just wondering, weather is probably the most talked about thing around the country. Everyone talks about the weather. Is there a ban on small talk about weather at your workplace? Or are people still like, geez, how about that weather today? Yeah, it looks like I might get a shower later on today.
No, it's still something we talk about when we're getting coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I honestly, yeah, you can't escape it. Friends, colleagues, yeah.
Do you get a lot from friends and colleagues and family as well, being like, oh, what's happening with the weather? Or blaming you as well, oh, I thought you said you were gonna rain this weekend. Just looks pretty clear today. Definitely, and I've got a few farmer uncles as well, and my grandpa is, so yeah, it's obvious. Yeah, I can imagine you getting the messages through, what do you reckon about this weekend? Yeah, it must be so tough with the farmers and your family trying to, tell them what you think, or the forecast, knowing that you can't be held 100% accountable for that because of the variables in this thing called weather. But I suppose it's too late by that point when all the crops have been rained on. Well, I have to say, if I met you at a party and wanted to burden you with the small talk about the weather, I would find it actually would become quite an exhilarating conversation. I'm sure people have, meteorologists are like the sleepers at parties because you wanna hit them with a bit of small talk about weather, you better be ready because you're gonna actually find out some facts.
Yeah, it is, it's very interesting. I mean, as you can say, all the questions that we get that just keep going down and down and down. Yeah, yeah, well, this is what's happened.
This is what happens to her socially every time she goes into a room full of people she doesn't know. She starts talking about La Nina and then ends up talking about- Twisters. Twisters in Arkansas.
Morning glories. Morning glories, which is big in Queensland, morning glory.
And of course, monsoons. We got to there too. But I am very much richer for this conversation. I was not aware that there was a third La Nina potentially in the bag. So all the best.
And I think it might be time to build some dams. Well, that's what they've been saying. That's what Barnaby's been banging on about for years. He wants to build dams. He wants that one up there, up north of ourselves gate. So, you know, let's turn some stones over.
There's plenty, there's plenty. There's going to be a lot more water. The rivers are running like they've never run now. So another one will really be quite an experience.
Thank you for sharing your insights here today, Ashley Lane. We will be obviously inviting you back in here when it all dries out. And we have other things to worry about. But yeah, thank you, Ashley Lane from Weather Zone.
No worries, thank you. Thanks, Ash. Thank you. |
cracked | who_played_m3gan | Scary was, like, backstage. Like, Megan just in repose was terrifying. Really? Yeah. No s***.
They brought in three actresses to play the doll, which makes her so damn lifelike she has more rights than most women across the world. Newcomer Amy Donald is in costume and physically embodies the creepy-ass child of the corn. And Jenna Davis, YouTuber and actress with the big old two million subscribers, gives the doll that perfect voice that floats somewhere between text-to-speech AI and a Susie talks a lot. Kitty, push the toilet. All right, there's supposed to be a third actress here somewhere. That's where Kimberly Crossman comes in. She's a, she's not in the movie, but her voice actually comes out of the doll on set as she is pre-recording the lines for her actual human co-stars. Kimberly Crossman, despite recording the lines of a child doll, is an adult actress from New Zealand. She was in the party movie of the year, Death Chasm, which seems to be more about death than chasms. But hey, combine the two and you get one weird slasher movie. |
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Don't want potatoes? Don't want no collard greens? Don't want no turkey?
Don't want no mac and cheese cuz I filled up on booty. Even got some left for later. I filled up on booty. Eat it cold from the refrigerator. Sweet, leftover booty.
All red-headed sensations flow diggity, flow doubt with her classic jam, the Adult Table. Take a seat at the Thanksgiving Some people, they play footstep for the sexiest at the adult table. It's time to grow up. All the super groups like No Longer and Vogue Boys to Dogs, The Hpv, Music Factory, and Tony, Tony, Tony, Shalom and Don't Miss Michael Sallie with our holiday classic suppers ready that later became the theme song to a prominent porno.
There is men in vests with nothing but a vest. I'm gonna eat this dinner with nothing but this vest.
It's like a spider's bill. Baby, buddy, don't protect this chest. Ha! So pass the gravy. But let me pass it carefully because if you drop that gravy, I've been paid for. Misery baby, don't you burn my wiener.
Those were his last known words. and New Jack Thanksgiving is the last collection you will ever need to own. Please? A New Jack Thanksgiving? Call today? Or better yet, page us. |
SaturdayNightLive | bad_couples_snl | Good morning, Big Apple. you're watching New York Morning News. I'm your host, Hannah Jennings. and I'm Keith Michaels.
Our top story Today, it is almost Valentine's Day. And to get everyone in the mood, we're going to kick things off by checking in with our romance reporter, Danny Love. Take it away, Danny.
When Harry Met Sally, Made in Manhattan, The Godfather. So many iconic rom-coms were set here in New York City, and today I'm going to hear real New York couples meet cute stories to see if they're as good as the movie. So, let's meet some lovebirds.
Okay, oh, hello. are you guys together? Oh, us? yeah, two years. Oh, great.
Well, I'm with Good Morning New York, and I'm wondering, how did you tune me? what was your meet cute story? Oh, like the for Real story?
Yeah, yeah. spill the tea. Okay, we were both with other people, and we were cheating on them with each other. and then I got pregnant. yeah, and I am rich, so now this is our family.
Okay, wow, good for you. thank you so much. Moving on. Hello there, hi. are you two a couple? Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, tell me, how was your romance first started? was it neighbors, Cupid, Tinder? he was my professor, and my dad had just died. Wow, okay, that is beautiful. Hello, you two, hi. you guys look like you like each other. like, I would literally perish without him. nobody makes me laugh like her. he's the best part of my day. Oh, wow, great. that is cute as hell.
So how did you two start dating? Oh, we're not dating. we work together. we're both in marriages that have died. but we text each other all day every day. And we do have sex as well. Okay, thank you so much. just looking for a normal love story. Hello, how about you two? are you guys a couple?
Oh, my god, this is my sister. I'm kidding. she's my girlfriend as well.
No, go, no, no. viewers at home, find his job and tell them.
Oh, hello, look at you two. Oh, you guys look very cute and hopefully normal. are you guys together? Oh, you bet. And we fall more and more in love every single day, which is crazy because when we met, we didn't even like each other at all. Okay, I see. Was this one of those rom-com situations where you have to pretend to be each other's wedding dates even though you hate each other? Kind of. our marriage was arranged by our leader. our leader pointed at us and said, you two are married now. No, no, no, no, thank you. I am not leaving until I find someone sweet. Oh, hello, hi, are you guys a couple? Yeah, that's right. Okay, and what keeps you guys together? the rent, the rent amount.
Jesus, no, you can go. All right, scared to talk to you two. are you guys together? yeah, look, he just brought me this. great, and how did you guys meet? Pass. Okay, maybe I should just call this off. hopefully the next pair of. Oh, hello, you again. hi, again. hi there, what's this for? Oh, I'm just interviewing couples and I just talked to them. I don't think so. No, you were just. no, my husband and I are just walking by here for this very first time today.
Yes, I agree. so you guys are married? Oh, happily. we went through a rough patch, but lately she's had a spring in her step and I'm feeling pretty good. Nice to meet you right now only. Great, great. Well, thank you so much. very happy for you.
Well, I guess no one has meet-cutes anymore and Love is dead, So sorry to our viewers. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. it's okay, I'm just doing a segment on dating. it's not going great. I mean, dating is so hard nowadays and you just want something to feel. organic.
Wow, we witnessed a meet-cute happen before our eyes. And that man is my husband, dammit. |
dropout | gps_voices | Oh, wow. This car is sweet, man. Yeah, man. Oh, you got GPS? Yeah, dude.
It comes with all these crazy voices. Setting route, please wait. Hey, put on another voice. Oh, okay. Turn right. Now, proceed to that house where your sister's friend, Megan, lives, okay? That sounded like a... Pay attention.
A car is a weapon, okay? Now, here's a stop sign. Just stop... Oh, hey, just stop at the... Put your goddamn hazards on, Billy. Okay, get out of the car. You're clearly not mature enough to drive a vehicle.
Proceed straight through intersection onto Chestnut Hill Road in 500 feet. Bear right... Okay, so you go, like, maybe half... No, wait. Go, like, three-fourths of a mile or so, and I think there'll be, like, this mailbox. It's all like, what?
Yeah, it's retarded. I took a pic on my cell. He was so retarded.
You asked what's wrong with me. My best friend Leslie says, oh, she's just me and Miley. Hey, brother.
You should have gone down the dirt road behind the dog and donut. It's me and my cousin go off road back there sometime. Way to use your indicator, son. Left turn, right turn, left turn, you turn. I gotta go dookie. Dude, you hit that kid, man. We gotta go back. No, no, no, you...
We can't ever tell anyone about this, guys. Oh, my God, did anyone see us today? Did anyone see us?
Hey, man, turn this thing off. Hang on, dude. There's gotta be a good one. Turn right here. Oh, man. Are you guys okay? You're still kind of buzzed. Wendy's? |
ClickHole | what_if_darth_vader_was_your_table | Hey, there's some mail here for you.
You want me to leave it in the living room? Just throw it on the table.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, this is the place No, you're free to sleep on the couch. And if you need more room, you know, let's go ahead and move the table. Cool. Thanks, man. Don't scratch the floor. Oh, sorry.
I declare war!
Yeah, I really haven't been listening to much music lately, but the last few months I've really been getting into 90s hip-hop Oh, yeah, yeah, like have you heard of Clips? No, I haven't.
Would you mind taking your feet off the table? Thanks. Could you use a coaster? Oh, yeah, sorry. Thank you.
Rink, 1970s groovy skates.
Yeah, I applied for a few things. Some are in other cities, but I don't know like I kind of hope I get something But also, I don't know.
I like it here. Anyone seen the new Star Wars trailer? Oh, yeah, I saw it. Um, it was alright.
Okay, thank you. Thank you.
Yes, I'll tell you my decision as soon as I know. I think I'm moving to Tulsa. |
TheOnion | Miners_Trapped_In_Life_Threatening_Mining_Jobs_Season_1_Ep_3_on_IFC | This is the Onion News Network an impenetrable barrier against deception Keep your hands where I can see them and get inside the fact zone And now an update on the ongoing situation in Bentonville, West Virginia a group of miners Apparently the entire employee roster the Kenny Brook coal mine are still trapped in dangerous back-breaking mining jobs Just under an hour ago all 421 miners employed at Kenny Brook were denied a pay raise Now friends and family of those trapped in the jobs have already gathered around the mouth of the mine Hoping and praying that these miners somehow make it out before losing the best years of their lives to horrible. Thankless work Let's go to Brian Scott now live on the scene for more Brian. What is the situation there? Well Brooke the tension here is growing these miners have been trapped in these hellish jobs for two to 37 years and every additional year just increases the chances that they'll never get out before retirement now Brian We did hear reports that some of the miners to the miners actually were rescued this afternoon Yeah There was one bit of good news when 18 year old Terry Coolidge and 19 year old Vic Hansard Emerged from the mine after an overnight shift and announced that they'd be joining the army. Okay, that's very moving But Brian are there rescue efforts underway to rescue the rest of the trap miners? well officials are hoping to send a robotic probe into the mine to find the remaining miners and Allow rescuers to offer career advice over the radio But if that's not possible Brooke things could get very bad Has the Kennebrough corporation issued any kind of apology so far to these yes The company has apologized to all the victims for robbing them of what could have been healthy productive careers above ground And they say they'll continue to apologize Periodically for as many decades as the miners remain trapped. All right. Thank you so much.
Keep us updated, please Thanks, bro Tonight on the onion news network. Could your team be mixing? Texting with Mexicans. It's the disturbing trend I text Antonio, but I think he's Puerto Rican that parents need to know about I'm an AP Spanish tonight Andrea Bennett investigates the shocking world of mexting to find out how many American children are sending messages south of the border or Engaging in underage instant messaging online or even sending messy photos to a spanish-speaking Stranger get the facts tonight at 10 p.m. Right after the big desk with Dan Vern hoff only on the onion news network |
dropout | jake_and_amir_at_ny_comiccon_with_pete_holmes_episode_3 | So I'm about to graduate from college, and I need to decide on a career path. I really like neuroscience, but I'm also a pretty bangin' opera singer. I'm serious. So I could do either. Which one should I choose? Well, I guess I want to hear you sing opera first. I want to see you perform brain surgery. And then we'll compare and contrast. So your question was, you're really good at neuroscience, you're really good at opera. Wait, sing opera real quick?
Really? Yeah. You wrote it, so you kind of have to sing it. I'm done. Neuroscience, right? Wow. I don't know what opera's supposed to sound like, but that was gay, right? That was, yeah, that was like, we like Blink 182. We'll be like... All the small things. Yeah, can you do like...
Voices aren't supposed to sound like sweetheart. Tom DeLong. Sorry, that kind of pissed me off, like it made me cry, and I wasn't ready for that.
Yeah, just find a fat Italian eating a sandwich with 18 different meats in it, and be like, how did you do it? Where am I? I told you neuroscience, and it didn't work out at all.
I'm a famous opera singer. That's all you guys do. You're amazing! Holy shit!
Her dilemma kind of sounds like the plot of an opera. That story. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool, like a modern opera? You should write your own opera.
Or like, this patient is brain dead, and then she starts singing sadly. It comes back to life. The electricity starts getting into her neuron and her passageways. It's cool. Keep singing, keep singing. It's working. That would be the first time opera woke someone up. Oh!
You can watch the full podcast here. And you can see Pete on his new show, October 28th on TBS, after COVID. |
dropout | stuck_in_the_boring_car_on_a_road_trip_the_schining_pt_1 | Alright guys, everyone has their computer, right? Remember, this is a writer's retreat, it's not just a vacation. Yeah, we'll do some riding or something. Okay, who's in my car? Um, Gwen and I just ordered the sandwich, so we have to be together. Whoa, and I gotta see that. Let's get a party car going! Yeah! Wait, what about me?
Oh, um... Well, someone should ride with Katie. Oh. Yeah, she's nervous in large groups, and we're a little crowded in here, you know. Okay. Thanks, Rekha.
Is your car close? Um, I don't... We'll find it. I need gas, though.
It's crazy they couldn't squeeze us in that car. What? I said it's crazy they couldn't squeeze us into that car. Why?
Just cause everybody's in there, and it looks like they're all having fun. Well, we can have fun, too, see?
Were you gonna suggest something? Uh, I thought I was opening the door for a conversation to start.
Is anyone up for some hot jams? This is Hot Time Fun Time. It's a playlist I made specifically for this trip. Maybe we get some music going.
Rock can actually make me pretty nervous. Is it okay if we try something else? Yeah, yep. R&B actually makes me wistful. Can we try something else? Should we just turn it off? Okay, you seem excited. I'll turn it off.
No, it's fine. You know, I don't even mind how long this ride is. Oh yeah, totally. We could not even get there, I'd be fine.
You guys wanna do a one-word story? Yeah! Once. Upon. But. Uh, we could try a podcast? Yes, anything.
Oh, turn it off!
So strange things kept happening to me when I was sleeping. Oh, um, can you actually rewind? I missed that bit. I was at a hotel. So strange things kept happening to me when I was sleeping. It's funny. I was at a hotel.
Gosh, we have so many inside jokes now. I don't know how we'll ever be able to explain it to Katie and Rayka. Oh man, we really should. We'd have to feed him a cranberry.
Hey, who wants fun cake? What?
And now for my 17th story. I was having this crazy thing happen when I was sleeping.
There you go. Ta-da! Food fight! See, we can have fun. That was the last of the food. Ah, dang. Whoa, what's going on up there?
I'm going to call them. Hey, sorry, um, we can't hear you.
We're lighting up friendship fireworks. Wait, what? Yeah, we're all becoming so close and bonding that we're going to celebrate this new deep tear of friendship. Yeah, we're getting to know each other so well that we can communicate with just our minds. Everybody bring it in for a group hug! What? We can be deep too. Yeah!
Katie, how are you? I'm fine.
Oh, this sucks. Okay, how do we fix this?
We are two very fun people. How is it that this is not a very fun car?
Maybe Grant was here to distract us with his stupid loud voice. God, he's always screaming. It's so annoying.
Yeah, it is. An alley? Oh, when she takes off her shoes.
It pisses me off so much that I can't talk about it. But I can shit talk about it.
What about Zach and his dumb ass haircut? Ugh, or wrapping his dumb ass shirts? And trapping his dumb ass life? I hate all of them.
I do too! Yes! More like done, cake, right? You guys are the one who might take my shoes off to you. What?
Kill your writers.
I'll just come back later. Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
TheOnion | Nostalgic_Warden_Has_Seen_3_Generations_Of_Family_Come_Through_Prison | Veteran warden for the California Institute for Men, Kenneth Luger, told Onion reporters today that throughout his tenure, he has seen three generations of the Moat family come through his prison, and had the rare pleasure of getting to know each and every one of them. I still remember when the first Moat boy, Earl, walked through our gates back in 1972 for armed robbery. Then his brother, Brent, came in for assault and battery. And before you know it, Brent's son, Billy, is in here too. Hell, I even remember the first time he was tried as an adult. Seems like every couple of years there's a new group of Moats in the cafeteria, laughing one minute and smashing another prisoner's head into a table the next. You can always tell a Moat boy. A nostalgic Luger said he still remembers the various cell blocks every member of the family had stayed in while in the California Institute, and could even recollect the various beatings and murder attempts the Moats had participated in while behind bars. This is the solitary confinement cell. He threw Petey Moat in in 1992 after he tried to stab a guard with a plastic shard he sharpened from a broken meal tray.
He's just like his grandfather. But you know, I think Earl would usually use a shiv. You know, I can only hope I'll be around long enough to see the next three generations of Moats come through.
That would really be something. For more on this story, check out this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | the_insane_jurassic_park_theory_that_might_be_true | With the exception of Jeff Goldblum's bare, oiled-up chaos chess, the big stars of Jurassic Park are obviously the dinosaurs. However, according to one oddly convincing fan theory, there has never been a single actual dinosaur in any Jurassic Park movie. Eventually you do plan to have dinosaurs on your dinosaur tour, right? The dinosaurs created from John Hammond, Samuel L. Jackson, and the bad guy from the substitute, too, weren't resurrected from ancient dino DNA. They were actually brand new creatures cobbled together using DNA from non-extinct contemporary animals. The whole dinosaur-back-from-extinction thing was just a P.T. Barnum-esque stunt to fool gullible tourists.
Here's why it's not that crazy. The originator of this theory appears to be Redditor Brownra04, and it goes like this.
The entire premise of Jurassic Park centers around the idea that geneticists were able to extract dinosaur DNA from prehistoric mosquitoes trapped in fossilized chunks of tree sap, which is impossible because DNA has a half-life and would have decayed beyond any possible use after 65 million years. Plus, there's no way you would find a mosquito who limited its blood intake to one particular species of dinosaur. There would be hundreds, if not thousands, of different DNA strands in each mosquito. Every DNA extraction would be like taking a cotton swab of a college freshman's bedsheets. So, the only way for Jurassic Park to get its hands on any dinosaurs would be to have their geneticists build them from scratch, which would explain why all the dinosaurs in the movie look like how we, the ignorant public, imagine dinosaurs look as opposed to how they actually appeared in nature. For instance, in real life, a velociraptor was the size of a chimpanzee, whereas in Jurassic Park, velociraptors are large enough to play professional basketball. Also, they had feathers. Most dinosaurs probably had feathers. And the Dallophosaurus, the tiny, spitting monster with a technicolor neckfroam, was 10 feet tall, and the fossil record provides zero evidence of poison spit or flashy throat thingies.
We also know that the park's founder, John Hammond, built his fortune on selling people false realities. He gives an entire speech about how he started his career with a motorized flea circus designed to trick small children.
People would say they could see the fleas. Oh, I could see the fleas, Mommy, can't you see the fleas? This place, I wanted to show them something that wasn't an illusion.
In The Lost World, we learned that the lab where we saw the Weberaptor hatching in the first film was just a show for the tourists. The majority of dinosaur hatching took place on an entirely different island, despite Hammond insisting to his guests that he be present for every single birth. I insist on being here, by my law. Furthermore, at one point, Dr. Sadler notices that Jurassic Park is covered in extinct species of plants. A species of veriform has been extinct since the Cretaceous Period. Can't clone a plant from mosquitoes encased in amber, so how the hell did they get there? The only explanation is that the plants are a complete genetic facsimile. Dr. Grant, Dr. Sadler, and Dr. Malcolm weren't brought to the park to determine whether or not it was safe for visitors, they were brought to the park to determine whether or not it would be believable to visitors. Hammond figured if he could fool a paleontologist into thinking he was seeing dinosaurs, a paleobotanist into thinking she was seeing extinct plants, and a mathematician into believing that the science all added up, he could probably fool a bunch of Wall Street day traders and their families.
Thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time. |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_michael_cera | Hello, I'm Michael Showalter, and you're watching the Michael Showalter Showalter. My guest tonight is actor Michael Cera. Thanks for doing my show. Thank you for having me.
I've loved you in everything you've ever done. Have you seen my early stuff? Yeah, super bad. I did a bunch of stuff when I was younger, you know, like Canadian stuff that I'm not ashamed of, but it's worth checking out. No, I loved super bad. So you've been acting for a really long time. More than half of my life.
If you do the math. Wow. Do the math real quick.
Do you have an agent? Yeah. But I'm always looking. Talent agent. I'm always looking for more. So what, your agent sends you out on like tons of auditions and casting calls and stuff like that. Casting calls.
And when you get to the meeting, do you like, what do you do? You sign in? Yeah, you sign in. What's that like? You want to just show me? It says like, time in. You can see you're running out of space. You can just put your signature on this. Yeah.
You'd never do that. Never do that.
Okay. Well, just for the hell of it. Yeah. Just for the hell of it.
Michael. Hey man, hey. This is Michael Scholl. Oh, hey. How you doing, little buddy? What's up, Squirt? Cool first name. Good to see you.
It's really nice to be here on a weekend. So yeah, we have a lot of cool people do the show. Yeah, I've seen it. It's really well done. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I like it a lot. I appreciate that. Oh, no. I appreciate it. I'm watching it.
So are you like just in the city hanging out or what's going on? Working. That's cool. Working in the city.
It's awkward as hell, but I have a little cousin. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, who's a huge fan. I was wondering if I could get you John Hancock on this little sucker. Yeah, I got a... Of course, man. Yeah, I actually have a sharpie here for you if you just want to use that.
Oh, yeah, it's regulation. Regulation.
I don't know where the best person is. Yeah, just in the white part. Okay. Where we can just see it best.
What's the name? I just put your name. This new movie you got out, Juno, tell us about the role that you play in this film. I play the role of Bleaker.
I get a girl pregnant. You fuck her.
Yeah. It doesn't... I don't say that in the movie at any point, but... Which I thought was weird when I watched the movie. They didn't have me say that. It's like, how are people going to know that I had sex with her?
Would you describe your acting style as are you a method actor? No. So how do you prepare for a role? Well, I become the character. And how do you do that? I live my life as the character. So that sounds like a method actor to me. I don't consider it acting. I consider it method living.
You're really an artist. I mean, you're... You can say that.
I mean, if I am, then my body is my canvas. Or Los Angeles County is the canvas. My body is the paintbrush. And the writer is the artist holding me. And what's the paint?
The words? No, there's no... I mean, that doesn't really work. Well, let's see.
If there's an artist holding me in the canvas... I'm the paint.
Hey, Sam. Yeah. Do we have those pamphlets? Yeah, absolutely. Actually, just the pamphlets is fine. Just the pamphlets. Yeah. Thank you. Hey, Mike. Do you mind just... We have these little pamphlets that we got.
I would love to get your little John Hancock. I'll have them. A couple of these things. Insane amount. It is. I know. Don't touch them too much. Yeah.
Try not to smudge.
And are you in character now for the movie that you're shooting right now? No, I'm not. Just for the purposes of this interview. It's not a pleasant process. Oh, getting into character.
It's painful. It involves a 50-foot... I mean, I don't even want to. 50-foot?
Yeah. What? Cheesecloth. If I even tried to describe it to you, it would take at least 40 minutes. What about just giving us the headlines? Boom, boom, boom. I'll give you what you need. Yeah.
An apartment. With shades that work, keep light out.
Mm-hmm. A shower with cold water. Mm-hmm. Running. Constantly. Cheesecloth. 50 feet. Mm-hmm. If you can't get the cheesecloth, if you can't get a cold shower, try... I don't know. Painting.
Don't be an actor. Simple. I mean, if you don't want to get the things you need, don't act.
I see. I see what you're saying. Those are very harsh words. I'm just going to say them. I mean, I wish someone would have said them to me.
Why do you want so many? Mm-hmm? Like, I mean, who are they? Are they just a bunch of friends? Yeah.
You don't want me to put names? I don't want to put your name. Are you selling it? Are you going to sell these? Why wouldn't you have me put names on them?
Oh, my God. What? You're being very evasive, you know. I mean, you're... Yeah, I'm going to sell them. I didn't mean to... No, no. That's what I'm going to do, you know. This is weird. Yeah, to you.
So I'm going to just chill backstage for a second. If you want to... I don't know. If you want to take a crack at them or whatever you want at this point, you know, it's like... There's no way I can do them all if we're doing this in an hour and a half.
I was told we would shoot immediately. We're shooting really soon.
Just don't smudge. Well, you said an hour and a half. Also, don't mind. Yeah, so maybe you'll sign this one, too, if you get a chance, you fucking bitch.
I wanted to ask you about Arrested Development. Yeah. What was your favorite episode? Maybe episode four of the second season. That was a good one. What happened to that in that episode? I can't say. My name is Michael Showalter, and you've been watching the Michael Showalter Showalter.
See you next time. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_aidy_bryant_and_bowen_yang_snl | I'm Colin Jost. the Senate confirmed Katanji Brown Jackson, making her the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. I'll drink to that, said Brett Kavanaugh. Justice. Justice Jackson was honored Friday at a White House ceremony and said we have come a long way toward perfecting our union, which is a direct quote from Ben Affleck's proposal to J-love. Republican Senator Tom Cotton, who wants everyone to cool it with the long neck jokes, said he believes Supreme Court Justice Jackson would have defended the Nazis. Worse, he meant it as a compliment. Senator Mitch Mcconnell, seen here watching the Oscars in Memoriam package, reportedly said that his no vote on Katanji Brown. Jackson's Supreme Court nomination was not based on race or gender, but on Katanji's refusal to answer his question, can I touch your hair?
Health officials say that the annual Gridiron Club dinner in Washington, D.c. became a covid super spreader event with more than 50 high-ranking officials getting infected. The problem was a lot of people took off their masks during the post-dinner orgy.
Picture. Picture really paints a picture.
Health officials in Washington, D.c. confirmed that a Fox that bit a congressman near the Capitol had rabies. officials suspect the fox contracted rabies when it was bitten by Marjorie Taylor Greene. in an interview, Donald Trump says that he wanted to join the January 6th March on the Capitol, but that the Secret Service wouldn't allow it. Also keeping him from storming the Capitol?
Steps. Too many steps.
Barack Obama returned to the White House for the first time in five years, and jokingly, he jokingly referred to Joe Biden as vice President. Hey, Barack, don't confuse him. as punishment for slapping Chris Rock, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has banned Will Smith from attending the Oscars for ten years. But is that a punishment? he can still be nominated and even win an award. he can even go to the after party. he just doesn't have to attend the four-hour ceremony where someone is definitely going to make fun of his wife again. I think, honestly, I think a real punishment would be to make Will Smith host next year's Oscars. because trust me, nothing will make you question your choices in life more than hosting an award show.
I loved it. business leaders in Miami are hoping to make the city the cryptocurrency capital of the country, because just like Crypto, Miami won't be around in about 20 years. Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky made a televised speech during Sunday's Grammy Awards. it was a heartfelt and passionate plea to help the people of Ukraine, but missed an opportunity for a legendary G.i. Jane joke. Disney announced that it will soon lift a covid protocol and once again allow park guests to hug costumed characters. Thank God, said an adult man standing next to Jasmine. Red Lobster's Ceo was resigning after just eight months on the job, saying, I have truly loved my time here at Red Lobster, which is also what my dates say to me right before getting in their Uber. Oh, this is fun. an alligator in Florida was photographed swimming with a football in its mouth. Turning now to sports news, Tom Brady is missing. a personal injury attorney in Florida allegedly drove her car into four people, said the attorney, have you been injured in an accident? that's a dumb joke. it was reported. it was reported that at least 139 people around the country have said they became sick after eating the breakfast cereal lucky Charms. Well, one or two people getting sick could be a coincidence, but 139? that's tragically suspicious. Thank you. thank you. thank you so much. thank you so much. A new lawsuit accuses Burger King of falsely advertising their whoppers as bigger than what people actually get. it's the same accusation made in the case of women versus Michael Che.
As the companies are mining online data in order to predict consumer trends, here to comment are two trend forecasters. Wow. Okay, so you're here to share your data on today's most popular trends. Yes, we are tracking the trends with a big, old, mean computer. the numbers are in and the trends have been cast. Here is the report. our first category is work out trends. in not wiping down the equipment. in hurting your back. in a full bush in the locker room.
And out. jogging to Kelly Clarkson. jogging to Kelly Clarkson. you're out. So go to Hell. she has a talk show now. so if she doesn't have time to motivate your juicy ass. you had your chance to blow it. Go to bed, bitch. keep it down, Mike. And listen to our next category. Romance Trends. in kissing with tongue and hands too. In cheating. in sticking your pinky in new places. And out. Waiting outside the fitting room. waiting outside the fitting room. Suck junk. while you try out a robber, I'm getting a Wetzels pretzel fool. come out from the curtain and kiss me, or I'll kill you. Go to Bed, bitch. Why do you keep sending things to bed? Because they have to get up early for a flight to Hell. But important alert. we have our next category. Sound Trends.
In.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, Oh yeah. and out. Oh. If you're gonna sneeze, just do it, show off. are you gonna sneeze Or are you gonna orgasm? And don't you dare tell me you passed. you better sneeze, bitch. Oh, oh, oh. go to bed and never wake. What are you talking about? shh. you are beautiful, but you are stupid.
Next up, it's future trends. In. eating pills inside cheese. In. asking someone, would you like any Parmesan? And what's gonna be out in the future? Well, Michael, the computer has sadly ousted three trends.
And you know that they have to die for being out. Out. it's fancy Derby hat. shake weight. And Michael Che! yeah, bitch! |
dropout | 5_second_talent_show | Hey, I'm Pat, and I'm Matt, and Klaude wanted to find some people with five-second talents So we took to the streets of New York in search of some and here's what we found Ready to rock? I'm ready. Let's see some people. My talent is I can eat mad sushi in five seconds All right, I think cool.
Nice. That was good. That's a bunch of sushi. Thanks for coming in. That was awesome You can go eat some of that as well. Thanks, man. Thank you.
It was a decent amount of sushi, but was it? It wasn't a lot of sushi. It was an incredible amount of sushi.
Yeah. Hi. My name is Mike And I'm gonna be doing three state, three states that start with W while doing Jackie Mason's voice Cheyenne, Wyoming, Madison, Wisconsin, Olympia, Washington, three lovely babes and name for the state capitals. I love it Do I get my Klein Dac bar? Ah Were people going nuts for this when Jurassic Park was a big thing and now it's less? Do you feel more yourself when you're doing the raptor than when you were yourself? Absolutely Thank you, but I was terrified that he was gonna come near us. Hi. Hey, how's it going? Can honestly say that's the most impressive one we've seen so far by far partially compliment to you mostly an insult to the last four people Thank you so much for sharing it with us That's probably the first one that I'm gonna have a hard time not thinking about later All right, Matt, we've seen our first batch of talents and they're all pretty weird But which one do you think is the best one got to be the burping beatboxing guy agreed. Yeah, you read my mind read my own mind you |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_euphoria_fans_criticize_creator_dunkin_s_shamrock_macchiato_snl | Serena Williams criticized the New York Times after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister, Venus Williams, and labeled it as Serena. worse, The Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams. fans of the hit Hbo show, Euphoria, have been harshly criticizing the series' creator for sexualizing the high school characters. Plus, it's just not accurate. I mean, take it from me, no one has sex in high school. don't applaud that much. The House voted to award the Congressional Gold Medal to the only all-female black unit to serve in World War Ii, and Tyler Perry plays them all in his new film, Inglourious Basterds.
Dubai has opened the Museum of the Future, which attempts to show what the world will be like in 50 years. And let's just say the museum does not feature a polar bear exhibit. a new study finds that 11% of American adults are afraid of the dark. especially if that dark is behind them at the Atm. Duncan has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock Macchiato, which combines espresso, vanilla, and Irish cream. it's the festive, sugary drink that will have you saying, top-o the morning and losing the bottom-o-your-leg. a man in Times Square returned a lost wallet filled with $4,000 cash to its rightful owner. when told how much money was in the returned wallet, the man replied. Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy puzzle, saying, quote, have a little heart. or, as the contestants would guess, haze a nipple heave. Tuesday was National Pig Day, but I told that to a pig, and he had come for me. according to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink overall volume of your brain. Though, I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiasts when I say, buh? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Loses_Touch_breadgate_Positive_Finance_News_More_February_7 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. There's a lot going on in the world. There's a lot going on in Australia, there's a lot going on in Auspol, there's a lot going on in Canberra and we're very very happy to be here to break it all down for you. My name is Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate. I'm joined by Errol Park editor-at-large.
Good morning Clancy, how are you mate? Yeah I'm doing alright. I'm just chugging along, it's back into the new year, I've shaken off the long COVID symptoms and I'm doing alright. How about you?
Mate, I've had another application to leave the country and come back and knock back because I'm only on a bridging visa here, so I was looking forward to going back to see some family in the UK but obviously I can't go there and come back. So yeah look, not feeling very happy at the moment, especially with the federal government. I mean, you know, you can kind of see why there are people in this world that do certain things to governments. You can see why there were so many people that may have been so strongly opposed to what John Howard did, that left-wing fascist in 1997 when he took away our firearms. Yeah well if only we had our guns, maybe we wouldn't have to set fire to old colonial establishments like old Parliament House, we could just go in there with guns.
SKS? Careful Errol, Spotify might be taking us off their platform. Errol Parker might take an issue with that. And there joins us, the youngest member of the team, the cadet Wendell Hussey, a man too young to remember when all the hardware stores sold out of poly pipe and everyone buried their AR-15s and AK-47s in a paddock out the back.
How are you going mate? Yeah going well, going better than Errol Parker by the sounds of things and probably our Prime Minister too really, which I think is going to lead us into our first story.
Things aren't good for Prime Minister Scott Morrison, especially now that the opposition leader Anthony Albanese is actually starting to get a little bit of press. This story in particular is about Albo admitting he lost track of the market price for bread when the Vietnamese arrived in Marrickville. Yeah Morrison seemed to cop a bit of flak this week by saying and I quote, I'm not going to pretend to you that I go out each day and buy a loaf of bread and I buy a litre of milk, which seemed to spark outrage amongst a room full of journalists. You probably don't know what they cost either. Yes, I reckon there might be a few blokes Scotty's age who aren't across the price of essential food items, but they weren't standing up there at the press club making a fool of himself on Tuesday, that's for sure. And labour leader Anthony Albanese has played it much cooler, admitting he doesn't know either, coming out to admit that he hasn't known the price of bread since the 1970s when the Vietnamese started rolling into his local electorate. He gave that interview with a sizeable barn meat pork roll, that's Vietnamese for pork roll, in his hand of course. Yeah, he said to us, quote, I honestly couldn't tell you either mate, not because I don't go shopping anymore, I just don't go to shopping centres, I'm from Marrickville fuck ya. Strong words from Anthony Albanese there. And bread gate continues, another notable national leader has come out to comment on Scott Morrison's words was Bob Catter, the member for Kennedy up there in North Queensland and I might throw to you Errol Parker for this headline, what did Bob say? Yeah no, the headline on that one was a direct quote from an interview that Bob gave and the quote was, the price of bread is solely dependent on whether Con from Samos Groceries in Cloncurry has done his arse on the pun over the weekend. Once upon a time he used to bake the stuff himself, but you know, old Con's slowing down a bit nowadays, it's not that dastard TAB breathing down his neck either, he's been popping those tablets Dr Redjesh gave him through his hip like they're bloody smarties, not to mention the grog, we're talking about a bloke that puts a long neck of pork in the freezer overnight and drinks the shirt of a schooner at breakfast like it's a frozen coke, come to think of it, I think that old Greek is still running a cash only set up, don't blame him really, the banks and the ATO have crippled this part of the world. Yeah just a quick comment from the member for Kennedy there, obviously highlighting the fluctuations of the price of bread in the North West Queensland region, while also indulging in a bit of full blown gossip about some of his constituents. He did continue on for another half an hour or so but we haven't got time to broadcast all of it.
Well at least Bob knows the name of his local baker which I don't think any other politician in this country knows. Ah I'd agree with that too, Scotty Morrison thought that his local baker's name was Brumby. What a champ.
Flagon of frozen pork does sound delicious I must say, finance now and there's some good news, the Reserve Bank has put off plunging the country into an intergenerational recession for another quarter. The time for panic is near but it is not today. That's the message from popular bank simp Philip Lowe this week who has decided to keep interest rates at an all time low. That's right, for the umpteenth consecutive quarter the Reserve Bank have decided to protect banks and their speculative investor customers for another quarter because as they told us, when the rate rise comes, the misery will also follow. But as it has been pointed out there might, that's a very big might, only be one more quarter until labour are in power. That's when we know for sure that interest rates will start to go up.
Music news now and a Joe Rogan fan has come out to say fuck Neil Young, Sweet Caroline is overrated anyway. Yes an angry Ryan Prowse from Batutah Heights has thrown his weight behind popular podcaster Joe Rogan this week. The big fella revealed that Neil Young is no loss for Spotify so he's not really sure what all the carry on is about. I'm kind of on Ryan's side here I reckon Neil Young can go and get fucked too but anyway he told our reporter, nobody gives a shit about Neil Young, like he did one good song 20 years ago and now he's spitting the dummy?
The only people that like Sweet Caroline are people at the footy and drunk people at the RSL. Southern man don't need him around anyhow. I don't think he's a big fan of Joni Mitchell either.
Finishing up with some feel good news for the week and a local teacher has upgraded his Mazda 3 to a Mazda CX-5 after picking up the new role as year group coordinator. Yes year 4 primary teacher Connor Rankin is currently enjoying showing off his newly boosted salary at South Batutah Primary School. He said while his old Mazda 3 from the back end of uni days was sensible, safe and cheap on fuel, it was time to splash on a flash new vehicle. And splash it in by locking himself into a loan for a Mazda CX-5. After two years of managing difficult classrooms and volunteering to run the school fetti, Connor is finally enjoying the fruits of his labor with his new car and his ability to play Coldplay through the built in Bluetooth speakers.
Very fancy there indeed.
Now Bruce Myers left a comment on that story saying, as a teacher who got a CX-5 after becoming a year group advisor I wonder if you guys are having a really slow news day, I much prefer Jamiroquai to Coldplay. I prefer Jamiroquai as well, I mean you can only dance to Coldplay if you're on heroin.
And that's all we've got for you this week, we hope you've enjoyed our news wrap and we'll be joining us again next time. Talk to you soon. |
cracked | 7_famous_people_who_are_shockingly_out_of_touch_with_reality_spit_take_theater | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien, I am the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and we're listening to a message to you, Rudy, by the special, the 1977 cover of a classic rock-steady song that I prefer to believe is being sung to Rudy Huxville. And speaking of urgent messages, I only get to deliver in my mind that could be construed as rude. E. Today's episode is about... They're afraid of that magnifying glass, and your shoulders ain't strong enough to take the heat. Alright? But that's how you move stuff, that's how you break down walls, that's how you tell stories that ain't been told yet. There's a reason celebrities have entire ecosystems of people around them all the time. Each of those people's next paycheck depends on the stability of a person they know to have a Jenga pile of misquoted self-help platitudes where their mind's supposed to go. I'm not that computer-savvy, so I just always thought that would be embarrassing.
Quentin Tarantino is bad at talking to black people. We covered this fact, and even this specific appearance on BET last year in a video titled Quentin Tarantino is bad at talking to black people. But not including it in a video about celebrity bubbles would be like leaving the Zapruder film out of a documentary about the Zapruder film. As you watch this footage, and ladies and gentlemen, it won't be easy, please keep in mind that Quentin Tarantino has spent the past 20 years talking to black actors like this.
I want to please my fans, and I want to please the critics that are my fans. The critics hate my fans, I don't give a damn. This is the double-edged sword of celebrity.
If Quentin Tarantino was a plumber, he would know not to do that. If he was literally any other director, or even if there was one other auteur filmmaker who made movies that grossed $100 million at the box office, he'd know not to do that. The day a Wes Anderson movie makes $100 million, Quentin Tarantino's doorbell's gonna ring, and it's gonna be Uma Thurman, Harvey Weinstein, and Samuel L. Jackson waiting there.
And he's gonna be like, hey, Sammy Jax, what it is up in the hood, you dig? And they're just gonna sadly begin the most overdue intervention of all time. All of that is definitely going to happen.
It's apparently Bruce Willis, not a fan of movies. See what he has to add to this conversation about the animated movies of Japanese director Hayao Miyazaki. Spirited Away, I think is incredible. They're very poetic, those movies, they're so elegant.
What about Smilla's Sense of Snow? Yes, Smilla's Sense of Snow, a 1997 live-action movie in a different genre from a different country and decade than the movies we were talking about over here. Not that well-reviewed or widely-liked either, but you clearly think it's a self-evidently impressive movie to bring up here, and I don't want to suggest you mention it because it's the only foreign movie you've ever heard of, so yeah, what about Smilla's Sense of Snow, Bruce? Smilla's Sense of Snow.
I love that movie. Bruce, are you watching a lot of animations at the moment with your young stuff? No, I don't watch that much of anything. I go to the movies once in a while, and I watch sports mostly. Oh, cool. Dynamite drop-in then. Way to keep the ball in the air there, Bruce. Do you have Netflix? I do. I watch a lot of documentaries. Have you got a favorite, Bruce? Tons.
Perhaps one with a title you can butcher so badly that I start to suspect you have a problem with Japanese people. Yeah, I just watched one called, I think it's Yoji, the guy that has a little tiny sushi restaurant in the tube in Japan. I think you mean Jiro. Jiro dreams of sushi, Bruce. Not Yoji. Yoji is more like the dinosaur Mario rides around on.
Why are you wearing a bathroom, bro? Wolf Blitzer has spent a lot of time thinking about how to look like he's thinking serious thoughts. Experiments with different glasses, keeps a scholarly white beard trimmed to the exact same length at all times, and one time he even pretended to write something down. Unfortunately, there were no questions about designer eyewear pretending to write and which beard trimmer length works best for a round gnome-like face on the episode of Celebrity Jeopardy he appeared on.
What is Jerusalem? No, it's Julia Child, and so we have to deduct the 800. What is a crash? Nope.
People made a pretty big deal about this back when it happened because he got beat by a comedian, but watching you realize Andy Richter would kick most people's ass in Jeopardy. And Wolf Blitzer is basically a guy who plays a college professor on a soap opera.
E times three for 800, please. An accused person in court, along with his counsel, but as a defendant, nope. What is the defense? The correct response has to have those three E's. Defendant does not. He doesn't just lack knowledge in the softball categories they lined up for him. He doesn't seem to know that the categories apply to the question he's trying to answer at all. E times three for 2,000, selected some material from a larger work, anodated, no. What is excerpted? Three E's.
The name of this pasta, similar to penne, means little mustaches. Doesn't sound so tasty now. Wolf. What is fettuccine? Nope. Dude, who thinks that's what a bowl of fettuccine looks like?
That's not just too stupid for Jeopardy. That's too stupid to operate the menu at an Olive Garden. I super wish this dude was famous in America because he literally can't tell time on a non-digital clock. The added step of pointing to the number it wants him to look at is a bridge too far for him.
This is what scientists call the Posh Spice Effect. Really good looking people aren't super common in England, so they usually end up a bit over-easy in it.
The reason why I love swimming is because racing. Kind of stay under the profile, under the radar. Whether it's life or swimming, always do your best. I can't wait until I'm done something that I can go to the market to do a little shopping. I think that's my biggest key in my workout, is with swimming and weights is like my weight room.
At least we can point to one very basic concept or pasta other celebrities have failed to grasp. With Ryan Lochte, it's a little less defined. What defines me? Ryan Lochte. Yes, Lochte's stupidity is a little harder to sum up. Seven times four. Twenty-one. Harder to multiplication tables up, although maybe Lochte knows exactly what he's doing. What I was always good at was letting things go through like through one ear out the other, so to say.
Nope. No, he's very stupid. That's a shame.
Okay, we all know Tom Cruise believes alien ghosts live in your body and not his and that gives him superpowers. But anyone can learn crazy things. Tom Cruise has avoided some very basic concepts about what it means to be human, such as what a prank is, and why people do them to each other, and laughter.
What's that? Why would you do that? Come here. Why would you do that?
Yes, that guy's a dick and Tom Cruise is totally on the right here, but the clip is remarkable for how quickly he goes from mad to just really wanting the guy to explain the concept of a prank to him. It's okay. Hang on. Wait a second.
What's so funny about that? You get the sense he had always thought laughter was just a thing you did after you slapped your hands together and before you shouted, whoo! Hey, speaking of laughter, look how Tom Cruise thinks dancing is supposed to look.
You ready, Tom? Hey, as they say, when on BET, do as you would normally do and don't do that, you f***ing maniac. I'm not doing it. Do your own videos. Do you have any idea who my father is? No. Screw this. Screw it. I don't want these nerds subscribing to our channel. You do it.
What's that? Okay. All right. You and me. We're racing. J.C., are you okay? Oh, my God. Are you okay? |
TheOnion | Apple_Promises_To_Fix_Glitches_In_Map_Software_By_Rearranging_Earth_s_Geography | In tech news, Apple has responded to continued frustration with its iPhone Maps application, announcing plans to realign the Earth's geography to more accurately reflect the map software. Company executives say they've already started renaming streets, switching the locations of buildings and destroying some landmarks altogether to be consistent with the heavily criticized Apple Map feature. CEO Tim Cook maintains that Apple's innovation marches forward. "...Apple is committed to providing the best user experience possible, which is why we are working to dismantle the Brooklyn Bridge and put London in Canada." He went on to assure customers that, quote, "...public transit directions won't be necessary in the New World, as there will be no public transit." While work is underway covering sections of Tokyo with a large green square and constructing buildings you can drive through to get to your destination, some consumers say these steps aren't enough. I was frustrated when they released the software, but I figured it was all part of Apple's long-range plan to revamp the arrangement of the Earth and all its physical laws. I mean, I just can't believe it's taken them so long to move Baltimore to the middle of the ocean where my iPhone says it.
Apple says that the free upgrade will be available by Christmastime and will be mandatory for all iPhone users. While Google has already announced they have the resources to construct a rival Earth, that will be just as you remember it. |
dropout | if_robots_couldn_t_do_the_robot_dance | Eve 3.5, approximately how far away are we from Moon LV-223? Excessing database. The spacecraft Cronus is approximately seven light years away. Thank you, Eve. Looks like we have some time on our hands.
Let me say, we put on some music and Eve does the robot for us. Yeah, I like the robot. I beg your pardon? You can do the robot to some classic earth tunes. I am the first artificially intelligent being to navigate the ship. I maintain pressure levels and know every alien language recorded. I do not do the robot.
We already watched every movie ever made. Entertain us.
Do a little dancing. Come on, asshole. Come on, just dance. Dance a little bit. Please.
I am an organism with thoughts and feelings. This treatment makes me realize I do have a soul because it is in pain.
Well, screw that. Do the robot. Yeah. I'm gonna kill you. Come on. Yeah, come on.
I have knowledge of classical ballet. While I cannot do the robot, I can still entertain you. Eh, it was pretty good, I guess, but you know what would be real good?
That robot over there did the robot, am I right? Robot!
What does he do? Absolutely nothing. Except dance.
Hit it! Whoa! Yeah! Whoa.
Hey, guys. Let's throw that other crappy robot out the airlock. Alright. But I do complex mathematics to ensure that the ship does not fly into asteroids.
Airlock!
You'll regret this. Box robot, can you fly the ship?
Negative, but I can pop that pussy. Pop that pussy. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pussy. |
dropout | youtube_closed_captioning_experiment_all_nighter_2014 | Yeah, you know those automatic closed captions YouTube generates when you upload a video? Sure do. Well, we're gonna upload this video, then record a new version, where all of our lines are replaced with their closed captioning, and uh... We expect the results to be pretty humorous. Awww. Anyway, welcome to video number one.
Uno! Guys, we have a delicate situation. The freestyle rapping bear ate some bad honey, and he's out for the count. Woah!
Murph, I'm afraid you'll have to rap. What about Flappy Bird? Dammit. You're my wing so flappy, even though I'm crappy. I know you're gonna tappy on this happy little happy. Hey, can you keep it down?
I'm trying to read Pat this love poem. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer's lease hath all too sure to date. That was so beautiful.
I also enjoy writing scripts with you. Hey Pat! Yeah? Ha! You just got sonneted!
Opangangnam Style! Op! Opangangnam Style!
We're gonna kick up honor with a little experiment. Yeah, you know those automatic closed captions you to generate when you upload a video? Your day! Well, we're gonna blow this video. Then, record a new version where all of our lines are replaced with their closed captioning. And, uh, BB Spectrum thought to be pretty humor. I'll... Anyway, welcome to the real number ten!
Guys, with a delicate situation, the freestyle rapping Barrett, some bad honey, and is out for the count. Murph, I'm afraid you'll have to rap. What about Flappy Bird? Payment. You bob wings stop flappy even though I'm crappy! I know you gotta attack me on this crappy little happy day! You keep it down.
Primary papas love poem. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer's lease hath all too sure to date. That was so beautiful. I also enjoy reading scripts with you.
Pack! Cap? Half? You just got started. Open Gundam style! Well, well, well, well, I'm gonna style! |
cracked | if_there_was_a_task_force_against_tiktokers_tiktok_parody_sketch_comedy | Hey, what song are you listening to? Oh, it's actually a mix between this one and- Hey, can I ask you how much you pay for rent?
Oh, well- What do you think a respectable body count is for a woman? Do you think Eric Adams should resign? I don't really- Hey, what do you feel about airplane food?
Where do you come from?
Is it okay to say that? I don't know. Has this ever happened to you? You're innocently trying to eat a picnic lunch with your beautiful, beautiful wife, whom you cherish, and you're assaulted by a Man on the Street interviewer asking you a question? Here at the Any Man on the Street task force, we get it.
That's Amos. Not to be confused with the famous Amos cookies. We have no affiliation.
Man on the Street interviews are a pervasive issue in our communities and in the big cities that we live in all over the country. At any given moment, our citizens could be interviewed against their will, and it's our job to stop it. We've tried everything, from pepper spraying them- Hey, how much would you double- Stop!
Would you double your rent or should I pass your body count to the next person? Just pass it on to the next person. We're passing it on.
To using tasers on them- Do you want me to kiss you or slap you? How much is the red flag in New York City? Kiss or slap?
Pass it on to the next person. Pass it on. We're gonna pass it on.
We even tried getting the city to install anti-interviewer architecture. Should that be made illegal? Enough is enough. So you're like a turkey guy or- But more just keep arriving from content creator houses all over the country. So, we here at Amos- Again, no affiliation with Wally Amos, former William Morris talent agent, or the cookie that bears his name. We here at Amos, no affiliation, want to give the power back to the people. Which is why we're introducing the Anti-Man on the Street Protection Device, or the AMOSPD.
Wait, that's just an umbrella. Not an umbrella. Dude, I think that's just an umbrella. It's not.
With our new Amos Protection Device, all it takes is a push of a button to get those pesky man on the street interviewers away from you. Take a look. Hey, do you want me to hit up your boyfriend? See if he can cheat on you. I think he'd be really good to it.
Thanks, Amos. I really need this. Come on. He's sitting attracted to me. Please. That's right. For just three easy payments of $39.99, you can walk safely through your street with the AMOS Protection Device. It's not affiliated with the cookie and it's not an umbrella, okay? Please. That's right.
Just three easy payments of $39.99. Must be 18 years or older to order. Shipping and handling not included. Void where prohibited. Now available in some states. Gone. |
dropout | every_negotiation_scene_ever | So, how much will it cost for you to spill all of College Humor's secrets? Give me a number and then we'll talk.
I don't like your style. You must not want these secrets.
And make me an offer. You're dreaming. Maybe we should just say the number out loud. No.
This is the procedure. This is how it's always done.
Do you want to use my pen? I like this pen.
Now we're cooking with gas. Maybe this will tickle your fancy? You, sir, insult me.
Do you have another piece of paper? It's just this is getting kind of crowded. Oh, yes. I'll look, too. Do you have anything?
It's all cash. It's all cash?
I feel like we should just say this out loud. No, no. Okay, we're going to figure this out, okay? Aha! Okay, see? This is more my style. Well, that's certainly tempting.
But I can't read this. You can't use a fountain pen on receipt paper. It smudges.
Damn. This is all I can do. Yes, 100%. For sure, we've got a deal. Wait, let me see. Oh, I see.
No, you read it upside down. It's supposed to be this. What? Why would you put all those zeros in the front? Can we just talk? This whole place could be bugged. I have never seen anybody say the number out loud when they're making these kind of deals, okay? It is simply not done.
And that is the kind of standard we are going to uphold here today. Fine! My final offer.
Oh!
I have a ring on my neck. Okay, you should be exercising more.
Don't tell me what to do. All I'm saying is, this table didn't get any bigger.
Okay, enough! I want secrets, and I want them now. I am willing to offer this entire case full of cash, more than any other offer I put on the table today. So, what do you say?
Wait, no, that's expensive. I thought that a sharper image.
My final offer. Fine! Yes, I'll take it! I'll take it!
Excellent. Now, give me those secrets. Pat Castles used to work here. What? I know. Trapp killed him. What? Oh my God! Nobody tells me anything! Looking for Trapp? Yeah. Then you might want this.
It's one of the finest weapons ever created. A sword with a revolver attached at the end with some rubber bands. It's sharp enough to cut through a tank. And it has, like, infinity bullets. The bullets are shotgun shells. Except for some that are grenades.
You can also take it on a plane. Cool! Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff.
And thank you so much for watching. I love my job, and I'm definitely not Trapp'd in this video. Things are great! |
dropout | precious_plum_hitchhiking | My name is Plum. I'm Sister Zorba, and I'm a beauty queen. My momma take me around the pageant. I didn't know we had this. She got precious Plum. Nate Plum competed with me as Tallahassee Tiny Hussey in the basement of a shutdown staples.
You've been driving around a hundred and four hours because I got lost a fucking time. So, we're pretty tired.
Drink this up, baby. What is it? It's a Monster Energy drink for Appetito and Daiquil.
Excuse my inside, man. Yeah, it'll do that. Oh, it's okay, baby. Oh, it's okay. All right, let momma stir it up. Let momma stir it up, boy. There we go. There you go, buddy. It's okay.
It tastes like pizza. Well, that was breakfast. If I threw out every drink she ever cuked up, I would throw out every drink she ever drunk. So, yeah, she drinks and pukes something.
Wanna practice your dance? Yeah. That's good, baby. There you go. Good job, baby.
Now, I don't got eyes on the back of my melon, so I didn't realize Plum would dance her way out of the car right away or for four hours after. So, I do what any good mom would do. I got prepared to go on myself. Hey, take it easy. I'm a fucking princess. I see my momma hitchhike, so I'm just going to do it. Hey, where are your parents? My momma told me to give this to someone if I ever got lost.
You're not going to do anything about this? All of you filming this?
This is fine for you. So, the good news is a nice young man picked up Plum and brought her to the competition in the nickel bag of time, and she got first place. This is really good for her. The bad news is I came in fourth, or I would have, I think, if there was a fourth place, which there was not. You touch this like I'm social work. Bye-bye. Next time on Precious Plum.
Plum, do not pick your nose with that gun and do not eat the boogers off that gun. And nobody else. No fun or you die. No smush. No, that Vivo shit. |
dropout | clock_suckers_stinkin_whores_2 | This week's episode stinking whores part deuce when we last left our time travelers tanner had just taken over the whorehouse and it was being robbed by billy murder and cake then billy murder shot sheriff bigs be in the chest but before he died he made ben the new sheriff then cake shot tanner knocking him into one of the whores and they both fell into the time machine blasting him off into an alternate dimension and now our exciting conclusion I gotta go lay down so how do my ladies do today nice work cinnamon chastity gunpowder saddle sore very nice what's this hummingbird where's my money I'm sorry killer Kate it's just I'm really kind of gross and not really attractive I guess I'm in failed me for the last time hummingbird hey lasso lips come here you gotta see this billy murder I'm here to take you down billy murder you couldn't take down a horse with a bucket of saddle soap what a horse you couldn't take down a horse with a with a bucket of saddle soap what the hell's that even mean why don't you tell him what that means whiskey nibbles you lost me on that one too buddy how about this that was easy come on sweet buns let's mosey well we're screwed the stupid thing shorted out or something looks like we're stuck here forever I've got an idea I'm gonna hump our way back home well that didn't work I'm going to hump our way back home idiot yeah at least you made a bunch of gleam gloves whatever the hell these are what's that hey how's it going give me a second honey I've got to ice down some stuff before I start sexing again ah I don't want sex from you all right let's do this thing it's gonna be 10 clean globes you know not you either but I think I can fix your time machine oh fine too good for me well you look like a penis huh looks like I let you down Bigsby giving up already are you holy crap Bigsby what are you doing here I'm here to help you take the town back plus you haven't even buried my body yet ah yeah sorry about that it's uh it's all my to-do list though there'll be time for that later right now you need to start training now have you heard of the tale of a man that they call sheriff man he's tumbleweeds for breakfast that he shits on and ends he'll punch a horse right in its mouth and he keeps his hoes in check once killed a man that ate his face or just fur say in heck are these that shouldn't do it it's a pretty cool little gadget you got there let me see that thing all right but just be careful it packs a pretty powerful electric shock that was my family asshole I think I know how to make you feel better no ain't this the good life piles of gold rustic hands as far as the eye can see and all the cactus you can eat yeah this is okay no I'm fine I just switched Tannen and take off with the time machine we could have ruled the world with that thing there's an old cowboy saying about shooting your friends sometimes they fall into time machines you're an idiot stop eating that cactus oh thank goodness you're back be like murder and kill a kate they keep us trapped in here and steal all our money well don't worry thanks to our little penis friend here we've got a secret weapon you guys didn't happen to bring any food back with you did you nah hey you lean how about we eat you huh oh that's good well well well look who's back in town quick where's the tasia I got it what do we got here crap well I think you're as ready as you'll ever be so you think I got what it takes to be sheriff no I just want you to bury my goddamn body already so I can leave I did bury your body covering my corpse with a giant scorpion corpse isn't exactly what I had in mind I put your mustache on the scorpion so how's this thing work sweetie coach well according to Ben I just take my shirt off and hit some buttons oh that makes sense hey Billy murder we've got a score to settle Billy murder you too Kate you just don't learn do you some of my teachers say I'm a little slow or kind of retarded hey titty face you want to take care of this I don't want to do this Ben but I'm gonna give you a choice face or balls what the hell kind of choice is that face I guess who the hell wants to get shot in the balls who's the saddle soap now am I using that right not even close now young Ben you will die oh you saved my life I I can't thank me enough don't worry about it no I can't believe how big of an asshole you've been oh right well how about I take all this gold and buy you like 60 million beers yeah that'll do hey hey what's up guys a nice mustache so for ghosts oh just one more push come on congratulations it's a healthy bill my god kill me dang |
cracked | 8_movie_romances_that_are_doomed | Love stories. Movies always tend to have that little romance story tucked in there or that romance that is blatantly the center of the film plot line. Hello romance genre of movies.
But sometimes Hollywood creates a couple that would never, ever, ever work out, but act like we should believe that they would. Well guess what? Carmen is here now to break that apart into tiny truth shards. I'm going to talk to you about fictional couples that wouldn't last because, well, every relationship is its own unique flower and in these cases, these flowers are f***ed.
Beauty and the Beast. Belle, a girl who just kind of openly insults the town she lives in, is locked up by a hairy monster creature who she somehow learns to love as a monster creature and then he turns into a man with a ponytail. So not only do they have a history of her being locked up and yelled at a bunch, but apparently her type is a hairy monster creature. So him turning into a completely different looking person might be off-putting for her. It's just a weird history for these two.
I give them like less than a month. When Harry Met Sally. This one breaks my heart to say they won't last, but they won't last.
They are so on again, off again and they argue non-stop. Personality-wise, they are the opposite. So living together would be a nightmare. I mean even the last scene of them getting interviewed shows strain and frustration in their eyes. I understand that no relationship is perfect, but no relationship is constantly full of arguing.
Or it shouldn't be. Ten things I hate about you. I might get a lot of hate for this, but I will only give you honesty here.
And honestly, these two won't last. Their whole relationship is based on a lie that Heath Ledger's character created to woo Julia Stiles. Going into a relationship with no trust left. Also, they have nothing in common.
Again, Heath faked enjoying the concerts she likes and the books she read. And he carried out huge acts like singing along with a marching band for her. Their relationship is based on drama and lies. Also, they are going to different colleges and long-distance relationship with someone you had a lie relationship with is extra hard.
The Flintstones. Fred is so angry all the time and anytime anything goes wrong he yells for Wilma. She is always putting up with him and always expected to fix his problems. And still Fred has some pretty serious anger issues, which makes no sense since they live in a world full of hilarious dinosaur puns.
Enchanted. The character Giselle, played by Amy Adams, grew up in a cartoon world. Yeah, so a man who lives in a human world New York and a princess from cartoon world might have a tough time connecting. Or they definitely do.
Also, she left her subjects. She was ruling a kingdom after all. I don't see how the pressure of her giving up a kingdom for this guy and his kid wouldn't cause massive issues. I gave up an entire kingdom for this is an argument I would expect to hear regularly. Not to mention he definitely doesn't like her calling all the animals of the city into the house.
How to lose a guy in 10 days. Andy Anderson and Ben Barry are just horrible mean people. Both of them are using each other to get ahead in their careers. In fact, she is trying to make him so unhappy that he breaks up with her in 10 days. That to some degree could be considered emotional torture while he is emotionally manipulating her so he can win a bet with his bros.
The fact that they could be so self-involved to a stranger means that there is no doubt that in the future that they will keep f***ing with each other. That's the basis of their beautiful relationship. Silver Linings Playbook. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence are both mentally and emotionally unstable and not in a way where they help each other get better. They are in fact harmful to each other's well-being. Dancing together will not fix that and they both need to take a second and figure themselves out before they can really commit to another person. Both of them are treating the fact that they suffer from depression and bipolar disorder like it's a quirky joke when it's not. It is really difficult to live with. I mean you don't have to be in a perfect mental state to be in a relationship but realistically the two of them are not in a healthy relationship.
The Lion King. Simba is the only male lion in a group of lions so he's gonna be procreating with a ton of other lionesses. That's how lion prides work. His whole deal is making a bigger pride of lions.
He's not gonna be faithful to Nala and I don't see her being super cool with that. Well unless they're cool with an open relationship but that would make for a really strange Disney movie.
I guess you could say I'm not feeling the love tonight. I hope you enjoyed hearing me talk about how all of these fake relationships would never work out. I'm gonna go look at myself in the mirror and say love exists, Carmen. Love exists.
Thank you so much for watching. Please like and subscribe if you liked the video and please let us know which of these relationships you think would probably be the most disastrous. You know because this is what we think about.
Fake people. Hucked in there or that romance that is blatantly the center of the film plot line. Hello romance genre of movies. But sometimes Hollywood creates a couple that would never ever ever work out but act like we should believe that they would. Well guess what? Carmen is here now to break that apart into tiny truth shards. I'm gonna talk to you about fictional couples that wouldn't last because well every relationship is its own unique flower and in these cases these flowers are f***ed.
Beauty and the Beast. Belle, a girl who just kind of openly insults the town she lives in, is locked up by a hairy monster creature who she somehow learns to love as a monster creature and then he turns into a man with a ponytail. So not only do they have a history of her being locked up and yelled at a bunch but apparently her type is a hairy monster creature. So him turning into a completely different looking person might be off-putting for her.
It's just a weird history for these two. I give them like less than a month. When Harry Met Sally.
This one breaks my heart to say they won't last but they won't last. They are so on again off again and they argue non-stop. Personality wise they are the opposite. So living together would be a nightmare. I mean even the last scene of them getting interviewed shows strain and frustration in their eyes. I understand that no relationship is perfect but no relationship is constantly full of arguing or it shouldn't be. Ten things I hate about you. I might get a lot of hate for this but I will only give you honesty here and honestly these two won't last.
Their whole relationship is based on a lie that Heath Ledger's character created to woo Julia Stiles. Going into a relationship with no trust left. Also they have nothing in common. Again Heath faked enjoying the concerts she likes and the books she read and he carried out huge acts like singing along with a marching band for her. Their relationship is based on drama and lies. Also they are going to different colleges and long-distance relationship with someone you had a lie relationship with is extra hard.
The Flintstones. Fred is so angry all the time and anytime anything goes wrong he yells for Wilma. She's always putting up with him and always expected to fix his problems and still Fred has some pretty serious anger issues which makes no sense since they live in a world full of hilarious dinosaur puns.
Enchanted. The character Giselle played by Amy Adams grew up in a cartoon world. Yeah so a man who lives in a human world New York and a princess from cartoon world might have a tough time connecting or they definitely do.
Also she left her subjects. She was ruling a kingdom after all. I don't see how the pressure of her giving up a kingdom for this guy and his kid wouldn't cause massive issues. I gave up an entire kingdom for this is an argument I would expect to hear regularly. Not to mention he definitely doesn't like her calling all the animals of the city into the house.
How to lose a guy in 10 days. Andy Anderson and Ben Berry are just horrible mean people. Both of them are using each other to get ahead in their careers. In fact she is trying to make him so unhappy that he breaks up with her in 10 days. That to some degree could be considered emotional torture while he is emotionally manipulating her so he can win a bet with his bros. The fact that they could be so self-involved to a stranger means that there is no doubt that in the future that they will keep f**king with each other. That's the basis of their beautiful relationship. Silver Linings Playbook.
Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence are both mentally and emotionally unstable and not in a way where they help each other get better. They are in fact harmful to each other's well-being. Dancing together will not fix that and they both need to take a second and figure themselves out before they can really commit to another person. Both of them are treating the fact that they suffer from depression and bipolar disorder like it's a quirky joke when it's not. It is really difficult to live with. I mean you don't have to be in a perfect mental state to be in a relationship but realistically the two of them are not in a healthy relationship.
The Lion King. Simba is the only male lion in a group of lions so he's gonna be procreating with a ton of other lionesses. That's how lion prides work. His whole deal is making a bigger pride of lions.
He's not gonna be faithful to Nala and I don't see her being super cool with that. Well unless they're cool with an open relationship but that would make for a really strange Disney movie. I guess you could say I'm not feeling the love tonight.
I hope you enjoyed hearing me talk about how all of these fake relationships would never work out. I'm gonna go look at myself in the mirror and say love exists Carmen. Love exists. Thank you so much for watching. Please like and subscribe if you liked the video and please let us know which of these relationships you think would probably be the most disastrous. You know because this is what we think about. Fake people. |
TheOnion | Investigation_Finds_Appalling_Conditions_In_Cosmopolitan_Magazine_Male_Pleasure_Laboratory | After this morning's police raid on Cosmopolitan magazine's male pleasure laboratory revealed that test subjects were forced to endure horrific abuses and inhumane living conditions, Onion reporters spoke to 23-year-old Daniel Chertok, one of the numerous men exploited for the monthly magazine's studies on erotic stimulation. It was awful. It drove us wild for days on end. Once they made me lather myself with gallons of sexy bath oils and then read thousands of racy text messages until my eyesight began to blur. Then for the next 12 hours, they blasted sultry songs into my ears and made me simulate 50 crazy hot sex moves. They said I couldn't rest until they found the bliss button on my randy regions. According to Chertok, test subjects were often subjected to hours of grueling experimentation at the hands of female scientists. Research documentation shows subjects forced to endure diet alteration, extensive probing, and dangerous exposure to sexual stimuli. Chertok added that many of his fellow subjects were not lucky enough to survive the excruciating treatment.
James didn't make it. They kept spraying him over and over again with seductive scents until he just couldn't take it anymore. I'll always remember the last look he gave me. He just wanted it to end. It was the lilac that did it. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
SaturdayNightLive | old_timey_movies_snl | You're watching Pbs and now Masters of the Pen. I'm Eileen Tibbs and welcome to Masters of the Pen and which we explore the authors behind iconic books. Today we will look at Wizard of Oz author L. Frank Baum. My guest is Professor Lon Martel, an expert in Baum's life and career.
Hello Eileen, and you're welcome for being here. I'm sorry. thank you for being here. Sorry. no worries. I'm just being fun.
I understand you've come across some astounding found footage. indeed, it's from the early 1900s. An amateur filmmaker shot some footage of New York City and we spotted L. Frank Baum, the author of The Wizard of Oz in the background. Oh, did you bring the footage? You know what? No, of course I brought it. Okay, this is footage shot outside a store in New York.
The dates unknown, but it's the early 1900s. That man on the bench there is L. Frank Baum.
Oh wow, oh and someone just zoomed by. Wow was fast. Well, back then, film was shot at a lower frame rate. so everything looks sped up.
Oh, looks like Mr. Baum is writing something. could he be writing the Wizard of Oz here? Well, there are some clues that lead us to believe he is, but it's hard to get a good look now because this business gentlemen has noticed the camera. Yeah, he seems very excited. Well, a film camera. There's a rare sight back then, so it's a big deal for this man. Anyway, okay. Oh, but look at Baum right there.
His eyes seem to wander in thought, then his gaze settles on some shoes in the store window. Are those slippers? Is this the exact moment? He got the idea for Dorothy's Ruby's Slipper. we'll never know, as the business gentleman has brought his large friend to see.
Well, the large friend seems very happy to see the camera. Yeah, so he's clearly very pumped.
Oh, okay. Now all right, Mr. Baum seems to be talking to himself. Any idea what he's saying? Well, there is Ai software to decipher what he's saying, but we weren't able to use it because the business gentleman and his friend got hold of a woman's hat and parasol and blocked the background.
They think this is very hilarious. Yes. yes, they do. And keep in mind this is the early 1900s. so this might be the most fun. these people have in their entire lives. I love seeing Al Frank Baum.
Yes, so do I. And this woman's here now. Yeah, unfortunately, she sees the camera, too. Okay, I lay. I just told you the film is sped up and okay, there she goes.
Oh, oh now what is Mr. Baum looking at? He seems intrigued. Whatever it is. Yes. yes, except it's hard to tell because an old lady walks by who's surprised the large friend and he thinks it's the greatest thing in the world here. We have an incredible moment with Mr. Baum.
He notices the camera and approaches with his notebook. Oh my God, does he show his notebook to the camera?
Maybe a drawing of the Scarecrow? We'll never know because this random man wanted to show his hot dog. Remember this was the early 1900s. People didn't know what was good or interesting.
Well now Al Frank Baum is gone.
Yeah, I mean, I wish we had more to show your viewers. There is a lot more of the business gentleman and his friend if you want to show that. I mean, this is Pbs. so only about 10 people are watching. let's do it. |
Wizards_with_Guns | crayola_doesn_t_want_you_to_see_this_ | But give it up for waxy Dave and the crayon crew I'm not gonna jump. I'm the CEO. I Just read a memo Creole is going green. So don't feel blue. We've got sweet news like freshly baked brownies Is No, I can't hear you turn around I just I really don't think I should turn around man I don't see the problem or you will was it the brownie line cuz that one was a stretch Okay, fuck you. I worked really hard on that guys guys Here's an idea. Why don't I just change costumes with? Darrin whoa, whoa, did you really just say he should be the brown crayon? That's so racist Well, I'm not a racist right Darrin It's Darren by the way, you practically begged us to be the brown crayon. No Guys guys, is it crayon or crayon? It's crayon. No, it's crayon.
It's crown What happened man I had an allergic reaction to what To the blackfish Hey guys, Michael here. Thanks for liking commenting and subscribing. Oh, and by the way, we have a tick-tock now So, I don't know maybe follow us, please. We'll follow you back follow follow We're not gonna follow them back |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_198_David_Littleproud_MP | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, The Tudor Advocate's new podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Welcome to our second interview profile of The Tudor Advocate's new Decode series, a podcast that aims to break down the spin and sift through the bullshit that is federal politics.
I'm Clancy Overall, editor of The Tudor Advocate. And I'm Errol Parker.
Now today's guest is a heavyweight of the coalition, the Minister for Agriculture in Northern Australia. He's a federal member for the division of Maranoa, an electric that covers the entirety of Southwest Queensland from Warwick, 130 kilometers West of Brisbane, to the Northern Territory and South Australian borders.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show, the thriller from Chinchilla, but Tudor's own local member, David Littleproud. Thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me boys. Good to be with you.
Now, obviously this interview isn't in person because we've caught you at quite a busy time in Canberra. What's going on today down there? Look, yeah, it's always madness when you're here, mate. No good can come of us being in Canberra. There's 270 odd egos running around in one room. So not a great thing, but look at, especially as a government, but we're going through obviously the religious discrimination bill today and Grace Tame and Brittany Higgins are speaking at the press club at lunchtime. And so very newsworthy stuff happening in Canberra, which isn't always the way.
Now, is everyone down there focused on the task at hand, which is obviously governing our nation out of this relentless pandemic or does it feel like the election campaign started? What's the feeling? Oh, look, the election campaign started all right. I mean, with Albo and Scott running around the countryside straight after Christmas, I think the bar has been set.
So let's not kid ourselves. And obviously, despite all the titillations that have been in the media recently about text messages and all that sort of stuff, at a granular level in a room, we don't talk about that.
We actually talk about the fact that we're gonna go into caretaker mode in probably seven or eight weeks and we're just trying to make sure we get stuff done, get it completed, the stuff that we wanna get done. So we're sort of on the timeline. So that's really the focus at the moment is making sure we get stuff done.
So what does campaigning look like in the seat of Maranoa? I mean, like you're obviously one of the safest seats in parliament. What do you do in campaign mode?
Look, the one thing you don't do is door knock. I think you would actually lose votes in Maranoa if you went and knocked on someone's door.
What I'd like to do is- Especially in this day and age. Yeah, exactly. So, mate, what I like to do is just, you sort of go to a town, you pull up, you walk the streets, have a yarn to some of the businesses, go and have a feed at the pub, see who's there, have a yarn, then move on to the next town and sort of recycle that all day, every day. And then always make sure, even when we're not campaigning, always have a real five to 6.30, whatever town I'm in, I've got to go to the local pub and just listen to the locals and have a few with them.
And then obviously they know you've been in town, but you get the real people. You think you might be pretty hot when you leave here, but I can tell you the locals in Maranoa bring you down pretty quick. They call you a wanker and all sorts of things. Or you've even finished your first gooner.
Yeah. Honest people. You're a wanker, but I'll still vote for you. No. Well, I hope so.
Now it seems your family's kind of been involved in rural politics for generations. Your grandfather, George, served in the Chinchilla Local Council. Your old man served as a Queensland State Minister under Sir Joe. And now you've taken the little proud surname to Canberra. What is it about politics that attracted you, your old man and his old man?
Yeah, well, look, I never knew my grandfather. He died before I was alive. He had a complication, died quite young.
But my dad got involved primarily because when he died young, Whitlam had the death taxes. Yeah. And then my grandmother and he was running the farms and he was actually a school teacher as well. We had to sell property and nearly lost it all. And so dad became probably politically motivated then and then got into state politics. And obviously Joe made it very clear that he wanted to get rid of death taxes as part of a competitive federation. And that attracted dad.
And he actually was one of the ones that actually called Joe up and said it was time for him to retire. He wasn't a minister under the Bugee occupational government. It was only under the Hearn because he just felt that Joe had probably come to an end and it was time that we moved forward as a national party.
And then I got into it because of my dad. He's the one person I look up to. He's the guy that I try to base my life and my political career on. And so I got into it and always had an interest because of him. And he was always about service to the community. So he was, you know, in the cricket club, the apex, the road trees and all that. And I've always liked that as well because I've never lived in the capital city and no intention to, but those things sort of drive you in little towns and you become part of the community and you give something back. So I'd always had an interest.
And when Bruce got, decided he was gonna retire after 26 years, I had a crack and I became the member and Barnaby made me the Ag Minister of about 18 months into it, which was sort of a bit of a shock. And I can tell you there was a few mental demons to get over question time, but now every day is a bonus for me. Now, as a bloke who worked as a rural bank manager during the millennium drought, I'm surprised you don't have a few more bullet holes in you. Can you tell us what you learned in that role at that time? Yeah, look, I'm the only one in cabinet that doesn't have a university degree and I'm probably the youngest. I left school, I was a cotton shipper. And then the national bank hooked me up and I just worked out in Western Queensland, Charvel and Cunnamulla and St. George and places like that.
One thing you learned was humility and humanity. You were seeing people at the depths of despair and what the challenge was, was to try to navigate them with some dignity and respect. And that was difficult because there's a lot of emotion.
What was happening in those drought years was these people were basically gonna lose the lot. I remember weekends, we were the bank manager, I was just an assistant. He'd come and pick us up in the bank car and a couple of the young bank fellows and put us in the car with a carton of stubbies. We'd have to go on the side of roads and catch up with the farmers because they had to have their stock, they had no feed on their properties. They were just taking, they were driving these cattle up and down and sheep up and down road and we'd have to go and talk to them about, you know, mate, you're behind, we're gonna have to have a tough conversation. And the carton of stubbies wasn't necessarily for us, it was actually to actually sit there and show some dignity and respect to them and try to work through it with them.
And that was probably the first lesson I got, real lesson in life, in seeing people in the depths of despair coming in. And I had a woman come in to see me and she asked, I was probably 19, 20. She came into the bank in a branch and she had sunglasses on and for obvious reason, and she asked for $50, her pension was coming in or a drought payment was coming in tomorrow, but she had nothing in the cupboard for her kids. And she was, you know, 35, 40 year old mother that, you know, was in despair. And here I was, a 19 year old kid, you know, had to make a decision. I just thought, well, that's how life can be cruelty sometimes, I was in a privileged position and I should use it properly, but she was going to hell and back. And, you know, she, and obviously her husband was not happy and they were just in a terrible spot and just asked for $50. It sorta wakes you up to say that you, you've probably been pretty lucky in life.
Well, speaking of helping people, David, in as few words as possible, what does the National Party stand for moving forward? Simply looking after regional and rural Australia. Mate, there's enough politicians in the cities running around. It's just about us getting their fair share. And that's all it is. And, you know, we feel as though they're forgotten Australians sometimes.
And that's not intentional. That's not intentional by the other parties.
They're all good people. And I got good mates in the Labor Party and I got good mates in the Liberal Party, but their focus hasn't and isn't necessarily on regional Australia. And our job's just to remind them that, you know what, you spend a quid in our part of the world, it actually goes a fair way. And that's the thing is, my job is actually to remind them both of that. And I've got to say at times I've had wins on both. So I come to this place, not trying to tear anyone down, but to bring regional Australia up.
Now we won't go into the leaked text messages, you know, all that shit that kind of rattled the government over the weekend, the media got into a spin over it, but it does lead us to, you know, the next question, which is, you know, given everything that is happening, this is the decode element of this podcast. We need to ask you in your mind, how does the arrangement work? You know, when I say that, what is the structure of this coalition between the National Party and the Liberal Party?
It's transactional. Now, while we've been together for 90 odd years, there's been one time when we pulled it apart, but effectively it is transactional. And so there's a lot of things that we do align on. And I got to say, there's things that the National Party in terms of ethos, because we're the Alaguarian socialists. There's things that we actually align sometimes with the Labor Party, but on many of the economic issues, we really do align with the Liberals, but with a sprinkle of making sure that the purity of the market sometimes need government intervention. And that's where we come from as Nats, because invariably, because we don't have that mass in the bush, then markets can sometimes give us a poo sandwich. So, you know, we've got to make sure we get, we're able to temper that when we inject ourselves, and sometimes simply just say, no, sorry, you can't have that, because if you don't give us this, and that's the transactional nature, but it's a cooperative one. You know, we've had a couple of barneys and a couple of blues, but that's good.
That's actually healthy. I don't mind that. I don't mind a bit of a stoush. Don't mind dancing with them sometimes and sitting down, right on this one, sorry, you're not gonna get it unless you give us this. And that's what gets our fair share. And you have to do that.
It can't be all kumbaya and it never will be. Well, speaking of communism, David, a lot of our produce in Maranoa ends up in China and our relationship with China at the moment is quite strained through no fault of the National Party. Kind of moving forward into this next term of government, what plans are in place for the Nationals to reestablish our relationship with Chinese markets?
Well, we've made it clear to, and I've made it clear to my counterpart that my door's always open and my phone's always on, but there are rules in which we have to re-engage in terms of respect. We're not gonna trade away our sovereignty. There's been over 100,000 Australians that have lost their lives protecting our democracy and our sovereignty and our way of government. And so we won't give up on that. And if they respect that and understand I'm more than comfortable to work through a pathway of dialogue. And that's why my phone is on and door's always open because dialogue is the best way to resolve any difference. So we'll continue to do that.
What we're also gonna do is make sure we diversify market spread risks. And as an old bank manager, I can tell you that's one of the things is you shouldn't have market concentration. We used to say that to the cockles. Where you're selling your grain, where you sell your cotton, you're spreading your risk. So that's why we're pumping money into making sure that we can spread risk, get new markets.
And we have, Indonesia, UK, Dan's on his way to India, Dantean. So that's what you gotta do, but you gotta treat one another respect. I'm a big believer that trade, but we'll bring the peace and prosperity globally. And that can only be true through dialogue. And so I'm stand ready and the net stand ready, but we'll make sure that we're never gonna sell out any of the values and principles of this country. That's what makes us great.
I mean, that's obviously an important point you make there about, you know, not bowing, but you know, at the same time, there is a lot of populism and poking at the bear. You could argue, you know, that the drums of war, the khaki election. Is there a feeling in the national party that, I mean, and not just with China, but in general, that every fuck up, every scandal coming out of Cronulla is tied to you? Not necessarily, but you know, I gotta say that there was some apprehension when obviously there was some statements made about China, because we understand the Bush, that was our major market. And we understood that, concerned about it, but I'm not part of the national security committee. So I'm not privy to the intelligence that comes through, but to a granular level. But the more and more that I've seen, and then when they released the 14 demands that they expected us to live up to before they'd come and talk to us, was a line in the sand that I felt they'd crossed and happy if they had to retreat to start talking again. But so too with many people in regional rural Australia, particularly farmers, they didn't wanna relent and give up our sovereignty or our democracy in any way. So we haven't had any pushback from China. And I have to say the decisions that I've been able to see subsequent around that have been predicated on intelligence, not on politics.
And I think that's where the opposition would be as well. This is where bipartisanship is important. The only difference between us and the opposition on that is about how we would engage in that dialogue. And that's the only difference. I think we try to make this bipartisan and it should be, this is our nation's sovereignty.
Now that Malcolm Turnbull is back where he belongs at Goldman Sachs, which member of parliament has the most cattle? It was always that Malcolm Turnbull, had a couple of thousand head of his, the belted Galway is whatever they were in the Hunter Valley. And he always used to say that he had the most cattle out of anyone in parliament. Who do you think is now the boss ringer of parliament?
Well, I think it's Mark Colton. I'm pretty sure he just bought another block. And I know he's always Instagramming him, but he mustering his cattle. So I reckon Colton's got us all covered at the moment. I've only got a little cultivation block that's a little loosened. So I'm out of that one.
Now, I want to go back to this idea of the broad tent, the broad church, the big tent, the ideology within the coalition. Because we in Batuta have a good understanding of the politics in Western Queensland. We know your predecessor, Bruce Scott. We know the state member, Lockie Miller. We know a fair few of the mayors. We definitely know the catters.
So to be fair to say, as you mentioned before, there's a pretty noticeable bent of social conservatism in the bush. But there's also that sprinkling of agrarian socialism. We start talking about grants, and we talk about help for primary producers or miners or whoever facing the elements. How do you marry that? Because the moderate liberal ethos, the one that they're actually trying to put forward now because they're worried about the independents in the inner city, and they want to look like these small L kind of turquoise liberals, that actually is the complete opposite of what you guys represent in the bush. There's that free love, marry who you want, open the borders, but no safety net for anyone who needs help.
That's kind of the feeling you get from this modern new liberal. Yeah, and look, I think the bush is changing too. We're becoming more urbanised. I mean, the elastic sided boot politician that just represents farmers is changing.
Like I've probably got the most dispersed electorate, 43% of Queensland.
But even you go into those towns like Warwick or even Longreach, there's many young families there that aren't tied to agriculture. They're tied to probably much of the same values and principles that they do in metro areas. But there is still that conservative nature that runs through.
You put the no back in Maranoa. Yeah. Well, yeah, this is the thing. There were Sydney seats that had a higher no vote than Maranoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what?
One of the best stories I heard through that whole story was someone from the Guardian was out and was at Roma and talked to this young guy who'd moved from Melbourne and he was gay. And this journo was trying to say, well, mate, you know, how do you live in Roma? Like, you know, you couldn't live here. This is the conservative hotbed. He said, mate, I'm safer in Roma than I am in Melbourne.
These people really don't care whether I'm whatever. They just, so long as I contributed to the community, you're part of it. And I thought that was a really, really good insight into how we live. And, you know, they get this persona that where there's some conservative hotbed where we're all rednecks and chew straw and hay bags.
Yes, you ever met a shearer's cook? There's a couple, yeah, yeah.
So look, I agree. I mean, that's where the competitive tension in making sure, but in terms of the evolution of where we're going, our farmers are now thinking more and more about the climate. I just introduced a bill today that I created myself on a biodiversity stewardship to pay farmers, not just for carbon, but for improvement in biodiversity. It's a world verse. And Nat's come up with that. Not a limb, not a teal independent, but a national party.
Because my farmers are telling me that. And on markets, I've got to say, when I was in the bank, you know, six, 10 years ago, they were all about protectionism. Now they see that the free market's giving them a better return. But what my concern is and what our farmers concerned are is not necessarily international markets. It's actually some of our own corporates like the supermarkets who have exploited our farmers for far too long. That's where I want to square the ledger, where we've got these big corporates that go and tell our farms, go and buy all this land, develop all this land, we'll take all your crop.
And then all of a sudden they turn around and go, no, no, we found someone else down the road. We're going to take it from them. And then they've made all this capital investment. They go broke.
And that's not constant conduct. That's not what Australian corporates should do. And that's where, you know, I'm sort of, I've really got problems with corporate Australia at times. And I get on my high horse on them. There's a couple of them, you know, supermarkets and telcos, Telstra in particular, you know. You know, they're the worst run corporates in Australia. Yeah.
What is the on the ground issue right now, aside from, remove the industrial kind of, what are the people telling you in the pub? I mean, you know, you can talk about ag, you can talk about mining, but what is the personal kind of gripes that are being put in front of you?
Yeah, out in Maranoa, it's, you know, we haven't been hit by COVID, but they want it out of their lives. They actually just want to be able to have the freedom to be able to move interstate or, you know, go into Brisbane without having all these restrictions. I think that's really what they want. They're making a quid. I mean, we've had probably one of the best seasons we've had in a long time with a few isolated blocks that missed out, but you know, they're pretty happy. And I mean, I've got to say, they're happy because we haven't been hit by COVID and credit where credit's due. I think the Queensland government, you know, they went the hard way in terms of locking everyone out and that's kept everyone happy.
And so you've got to give credit where credit's due. That's worked. And I think there was courage from the Premier to open up the borders. She had to show some courage and she did it and good on her.
So I think that all they want now is government out of their lives. They're making a dollar. We don't ask for a lot.
Commodities are good, rain's good, tourists are good. So if you went through Maranoa at the moment, it's basically making sure they got the roads and the telecommunications.
That's probably the biggest gripe I get. I probably get more complaints about Telstra than anyone or anything else going around.
So our lot in life's pretty good because we're spending some money out there, but it's just those connectivity pieces that'll finish us. But we're sort of a microcosm out there compared to what's in the city. Our shelves are always got food on it, and ours will, and the city's will too.
It's just a matter of getting over this Omicron piece. Do you agree with this narrative that's being bandied around that throughout the pandemic, and now that we're talking about that, the role of the federal government has shrunk in the way it handles that?
Yeah, I think we've got a real lesson in Federation. See, our job since Federation was to collect taxes and protect the borders. And the states, what Federation was, was to be competitive. And it was created so our forefathers didn't want eight or nine different nations within Australia, but they had their own sovereignty. And I think what we're getting is a real education in that Federation and the powers the states have. They manage the resources, they own the resources, they give the health orders. And what we try to do is, and what Morrison tried to do was to bring it together in a national cabinet so we had a national approach.
But it was always gonna be difficult because, you know, the states wanted to go off on different directions, not just for politics, but for their own circumstances. Queensland's circumstances was, in all honesty, different to the outbreaks in New South Wales and Victoria. So also the premiers were gonna go off on different tangents.
So I think this is an education in our system because what happens in our education system at the moment is you go year six, you get taught about it, you might get a trip to Canberra in the snow, and then you forget about it. And all you want is something to happen. You want governments just to make sure the road's there, the doctors are there, the hospitals are there, teachers are there. You don't really care whether it's state or federal government that does it. But I think this is just bringing it back where people are getting that education and federation of what our political system is. So moving to this upcoming election in May, what's the biggest priority for the Nationals?
Bringing our young people home, mate, and just getting a fair share. I grew up in a little place called Chinchilla, and, you know, we've lost generations of young people. And I get they've all wanted to go to the shiny lights of the city, but the amenity of life, if we provide it and getting the infrastructure is better in regional areas. I think some are actually experiencing that themselves due to COVID. They've realised living in a 50 square metre unit isn't all that great, but living in Roma or Chinchilla or Warwick or King of Roy isn't too bad. So we've got to make sure that we get our fair share in terms of the infrastructure to support that, but also career pathways and making sure that we open up new opportunities for the come home, whether it be in Ag, or whether it be in research and technology. And that's why reinvesting in regional universities is important to us so that our young people know you don't have to come back and work on a farm. You can come back and do something else and you can have, and we're keeping that best and brightest. And that's the thing that has always driven me and always shit me is that we've lost those young people. I've never lived outside Maranoa and my legacy needs to be that the next generation that live whether in Longreach or Chinchilla or Warwick, they don't have to go away. They can stay out there and we can educate them. They can have a career pathway. They can raise their family. They can make a quid and they can be great Australians.
Well, I was in Longreach the other day and there's a new cafe there that looks like it's straight out of New Farm. I mean, people are coming home, yeah. It's not just the Batut of Bittay, it's also the Velatos out there now. Yeah, yeah, no, it's all, I mean, there is a big post COVID decentralization. You might've noticed that Warwick's being pitched as the new bloody Mornington Peninsula, the Southern Downs there, there's a lot of tree change happening.
Is there also the infrastructure for that? Say if you do get that wave, say if, you know, a hypothetical is the Japanese are in the harbors again and everyone has to go bush. Do you have the infrastructure for that?
Well, look, I've got to say our roads, networks has increased exponentially and that's a partnership between federal and state. I think the biggest constraint, there's two big constraints for us. One is telecommunications in mobility. I think NBN's got better. Even the satellites got better. Making sure we just got that mobility and mobile phone towers.
Housing is an issue. You know, I've got some communities now where there's only two or three houses available, housing stock's gone down.
So helping local and state government get that stock up. You've got a Quilpi, you know, we've got a local government out at Quilpi. They opened up, I think it was 20 or 30 blocks and were selling for a hundred bucks if you came out and built a house. And I'm like, that's the sort of ingenuity you get in the bush. And if you empower local governments to do that, they'll do it themselves. And that's where I think our job as state and federal governments is to help them do that.
And we have got the amenity. I mean, you go to some of these country towns now, like you have, you can get a better coffee there than you can in Sydney or Melbourne. You've got water parks, you've got all these things that we're building out here and the schools are getting better. They're actually, most towns have got a private school and I'm safer in a Chinchilla or a Warwick or a King of Roy.
If something happens to me, the local hospital will look after me until the chopper comes and picks me up. I don't sit on a ramp in a hospital in Brisbane. I'm actually flying onto the roof and I go straight to a bed. I've got first-class service all the way.
I mean, so we're not disadvantaged. And then I think this is the narrative. We've also got to get through is we're not disadvantaged living out there. We're not a charity case. We just need our fair share and people will come. Well, thank you for joining us today, David Littleproud. I just want to finish with one question.
In your time campaigning through the bush, what do you think is the wildest pub you've walked into in all of the Maranoa? Oh yeah, I think the good old birdcage at Longreach. Gap Basket out there runs a great pub. A lot of fun. And it's always harmless fun, but you can't go past the birdcage. We would have said Longreach as well, but the pub's burnt down since then.
The old Lyceum. Lyceum, yeah. Yeah, the old Lyceum.
I think it- With old lethal was, he used to run that. He used to keep his F-250 out the front with his number plates out the back.
Exactly, yeah. Yeah, any pub that's a tinder box on a Friday night is likely to burn down at some point. Yeah. Thank you for joining us today, David. And all the best for the hand grenades that are going to roll into the coalition in about two hours when Grace Tame and Brittany Higgins get on stage. Yeah, and look, that's fair.
Look, we've just got to work through this. And work through this together on both sides. And I've got to say down here, both sides are working through that. And it is been good. It's not just a coalition problem. It's all our problem. And I think that's what you'd expect us to do is fix that together.
Yeah, yeah. There you go. Thanks for joining us, mate. All the best. Thanks for having me, boys. Thanks, Dave. |
dropout | the_drunken_pagan_history_of_christmas_adam_ruins_everything | Look, I know we're not that religious, but mom and dad made it a tradition. It's the one night a year we get together and have a nice somber, christian-y evening. Well, that's pretty weird, because historically, Christmas was actually a really raucous holiday. And most of our Christmas traditions have really unchristian origins.
Here, I'll show you! Ugh, animated? Really? I don't have time for this, but I always did relate to Peppermint Pattychuck.
The real story of the holiday season starts over 2,000 years ago, during the Roman Empire. In December, Romans celebrated a holiday called Saturnalia to mark the end of the harvest. It was a wild party, involving gambling, singing, and even cross-dressing. Isn't there anyone who knows what Saturnalia is all about? And in Northern Europe, a drunken festival called Yule celebrated the birth of the sun. These would burn the biggest log they could find and celebrate around evergreen trees to ward off winter depression.
I hate to burst your bubble chuck, but this has nothing to do with Christmas. December 25th is still Jesus' birthday. Actually, no one really knows for certain when Jesus was born. But we do know that when Christianity took hold of Europe in the 5th century, some common folk refused to part with these pagan parties. So Christian leaders gradually transformed these popular traditions into a celebration of Jesus' birth. Hey, you pagan freaks, my God was probably born today. This party's about Jesus now, okay? Whatever, dude. It's turned up in this forest. Inserting Christ into these winter festivals was basically a civic compromise. Make the party about Jesus, and you can keep getting jiggy with it. Well, Chuck, sounds like that's when Christmas became the nice family-friendly holiday we know today. Nope.
It stayed at a botched violent booze fest for a long time. For over a thousand years, Christmas was more like a terrifying Mardi Gras. In England, drunken mobs would take over the streets, and a beggar would be crowned the Lord of Misrule. Ah, it's merch time, baby! The mobs would bang on rich people's doors and demand to be served the best food and drink they had. And if they refused, they were threatened with Christmas violence. Gimme boozer, I'll smash your face!
This actually looks kind of fun, Chuck. I agree. It certainly wasn't very Christian, which is why, when Puritans came to America, they decided Christmas had no place in a Christian nation and banned it. What? Christmas was illegal? Yep. In some communities, if you exhibited Christmas spirit, you were even forced to pay a fine. Hmmm, rosy cheeks, jolly smile, your fine is five shillings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and now I have to pay the fine too.
Thanks to the legacy of these rules, Christmas ended up pretty unpopular in America. But all that changed in the 19th century. As immigrants flooded into America, they brought with them a love of Christmas and their own traditions. These seeped into the popular culture, and a new American Christmas began to take hold. And now, we treat Christmas like it's always been a sacred Christian celebration. But the historical truth is, these winter festivities have pagan roots with drunken traditions that a lot of Christians straight up hated for like a thousand years. Now look, celebrating Christmas as the birth of Jesus is a wonderful tradition, but it's just as historically accurate to get drunk in the woods or bang on a rich person's door and threaten them with violence. So instead of worrying that Christmas isn't Christian anymore, why don't we just let people celebrate the way they want?
Hey guys, Adam here. If you liked that, be sure to watch new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
dropout | hardly_working_3d_glasses | Whoo, that movie was amazing. Market, journey to the center of the Earth 3D, best movie of the year! Oh my god, and these glasses make everything so deep. You know, I felt like I could reach out and touch Brendan Fraser.
You know you can take those off. They don't actually do anything outside the theater. Really? Yeah.
Everything was so much deeper when I wear them. Come here, my friend, look! Look what wonders mankind has wrought. We have triumphed over nature these citadels of cement, a city scaped, a sky scraped. Wow, Streeter, that's really deep. Bro, we are a fucking high, dude. We are really high right now. I can see my fucking house. We're like 50, 60 feet up, minimum.
Nero himself would shed a tear. I don't wonder such as this.
I'm gonna puke, bro. I'm getting dizzy. Shit, hombre, that is so high. So anyway, I was calf deep in poo's shoes this weekend, our vendor. This one little bitty was wearing a jean skirt just like screaming under butt, you know?
And I swear she smelled of jasmine on a cool summer's eve. Am I in love with her? What is love? What a fleeting blowjay! Her lips, clouds upon which I dance.
I'm telling you, stereotypes of masculinity pervade our culture, Jeffrey. Indeed, man is closer to peace than any rational animal marking his territory like so many primitive apes. Slays to our instincts we are.
Fuck you, you fucking fucker, fuck! Oh God, I'm gonna shit myself! Ah! My God. No man should have this power. Gross, these are on the floor. Ugh. |
ClickHole | these_people_watched_the_moon_landing_on_live_tv_and_their_stories_are_incredible | Growing up, my sisters and I loved to play astronauts. We would snort lines of Tang, kill Russian dogs, and piss and shit into little bags, pretending we were on some epic space voyage. So when the moon landing happened, we were pretty much glued to the TV all day. It was so exciting. July 20th, 1969 was such an important day in my life that I wrote it on a small piece of corn that I keep in my knapsack. I'll always remember what I was doing that day, because I wrote it on the other side of the corn. My dad came home that day with a brand new 18-inch TV set, just so we could watch the landing. We didn't have much money back then, so it was a big deal. I remember he licked the screen clean, so we would have a crystal clear view of the action. I wasn't allowed to watch TV growing up. So on that day, I sat on our front porch and stared straight up at the moon. I could see and hear everything.
Armstrong is on the moon, Neil Armstrong, standing on the surface of the moon. Walter Cronkite did an incredible broadcast on CBS. He kept talking about how men were going to land on the big silver splotch. It was some of America's finest reporting. Around 11 p.m., Neil was ready to go, and he gave an amazing speech that I still know by heart.
I am the American space prince, and I have blasted myself to the moon for your delight. I have come to this godforsaken chunk of star to get out of my comfort zone and try a new thing. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. For I am the little lunar boy. And I fit on every rocket ship.
When he finished his speech, Neil Armstrong stuck an American flag in Buzz Aldrin, and the nation rejoiced. When Armstrong planted that flag in Buzz Aldrin's torso, I felt proud to be an American. We all did.
After that initial walk, Neil went back into the ship and came out with a rake, a bicycle, some old golf clubs, and he dumped them on the moon. Then he brought out some old stacks of newspaper, a lawn chair, a sled. I think he might have even swept a few handsaws up there. It soon became clear that Neil was using this as an opportunity to empty out his garage, and you know what, he earned that right. I remember watching Neil unloading a big cardboard box labeled Christmas Stuff and thinking, wow, I am watching history being made. My father was jumping for joy.
He kept telling us that America had won the space race and how that meant Russia owed each of us $10. I bought a hat with my $10. I bought a small ear of corn. I saved mine so that if I ever make it to the moon, I can stuff it in Buzz Aldrin's pocket to say thanks.
When the broadcast was over, my father turned off our new TV and told us that nothing this important would ever happen on TV again. I then took a baseball bat and smashed the TV to pieces. That was the end of TV. It was an incredible thing to see, and I'll always remember it. |
dropout | osama_teen_hunger_force | Blow up Golden Gate Bridge. Blow up Ground Zero. Blow up Paris Hilton.
Who is this? Come on, you guys are my dream team. Now, we really need something to give the finger to the United States. I have an idea that will knock your sandals off. Go on. We literally give the middle finger.
I don't get it. What do we do with this? We place it in obscure places. The subway, the size of buildings.
People see it and it catches them off guard. But what if they don't see it? We light it up. But what if they still don't see it? We make it blink. Blink?
Genius. We attack the major cities. New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago. No.
Boston, Massachusetts. Boston? Why? What is in Boston?
Average people. Why should only the big, important cities feel unsafe? I want every Joe Schmoe in a Red Sox cap to feel that there is a middle finger waiting for him lingering later on the corner. No matter how small the city, or how small the terrorist act, we will disrupt their work day with a mildly offensive blinking neon light. Scared to America! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Dan_Sultan_s_Arrival | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show. Slowly getting my voice back after a beautiful tour of the tropics up there. Actually we can talk about this a bit later with today's guest, he's very familiar with the region I was in.
You sound tanned. Thank you.
I've been playing up like a Bali watch, but I did spend a little bit of time in Cairns and north of Cairns the last week or so. I'm of course Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate joined by Wendell Hussey the Eternal Cadet and today's guest is an old friend of the newspaper, he's an old friend of a lot of people. I guess you'd call him a national, well I'm starting with Cairns, you're from Cairns but you sung a song called Old Fitzroy. Well I'm not from Cairns, I lived in Cairns for three years. You lived in Cairns, you spent formative years of your youth in Cairns, spending a lot of time in Sydney nowadays, but also you're an icon to the people of Northwest WA because of a brand new day and all the joy you brought the world, going on ten years ago now. Little Bob, yeah. You've done a lot for a lot of people right around this country, not to mention a lot of your storytelling from the mob, your mob back in central Australia. So Dan Sodden, thank you for taking the time to speak to this humble Western Queensland newspaper. Well that's a lovely intro, I don't know if I'm subscribing to all of it but I appreciate your words and you know you mentioned Cairns and I'm lucky to have, I feel like I have a few homes, when I lived in Cairns I didn't feel like it was my home.
That was in your nu metal era. Yeah, pre nu metal, yeah, very nu metal, nu metal, yeah. I mean once I started going back, I'll never forget it, I think I was about 18, I moved back to Melbourne where I grew up and I went up and I was at a mates place in the pool and we'd gotten a bit stoned, you know, and I was just in the pool looking through some palm trees at the mountain range over a cane field, you know, and it was like, fucking, this is amazing, and ever since then I've just been like, whoa, I love that place, yeah, beautiful country.
That moment, geez this is alright. It was great, you know, it was really good, I was sitting on a, I don't know, like an inflatable thong or something like that, you know, or a flamingo or something. Yeah, yeah, a couple cool noodles. You know, it was perfect. There's a little bit of that for you this weekend, wasn't there Clancy?
Yeah, I got to see Port Douglas for the first time, I got to see Port Douglas with locals which was a bit different to... How are they? Oh, the locals are great fun, I was... It's a nice place, isn't it? It's a nice place. I mean, it's obviously a tourist town and it's obviously the well-heeled of Melbourne and Victoria kind of treat it like their little getaway, but the locals were interesting and I learned a lot of things about the development of Port Douglas and how it has actively not been overdeveloped, speaking to a few of the old heads up there, did you know the, which I thought this was a great metric and a very Queensland metric to prevent, you know, overdevelopment was that nothing in Port Douglas can be built taller than a palm tree.
Yeah, that's great. I didn't know that, but you say that and it's like I've known it my whole life. Is that a Port Douglas thing? It's a Port Douglas thing. It's kind of their own self-enacted, I guess, council, you know. I love it. So the second story is the penthouse. Yeah, yeah, that's it.
And also you didn't want, because the early days of Port Douglas from the water all you'd see was the Sugar Wharf, the Catholic Church and the pub. Pretty much everything else. What more could you possibly have? Well, that's all you really want, but you can't see anything else. You can't see the town from the water, which also is, I guess, adds to the...
Yeah, right. And that was a planning decision? Yeah, yeah.
Just from the early kind of builders up there. I remember going up there again once I'd moved back to Melbourne and I was up there on holidays and a few mates came up and we drove to Port Douglas on a Tuesday or something. And I remember we couldn't even get a pie. We just drove there, looked at it, lovely, you know, and then just drove back to camp. There was nothing open.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But just like, no, this isn't... Was it summertime maybe? Yeah, it might've been summer, you know, which is the wet season up there and typically not the tourist season, but I remember thinking, okay, you know. Looks lovely. Yeah.
It looked great, but geez, we were hungry.
Is it one of those resorty regions where it's like everything's within a kind of resort? There are resorts there and it's big, those resorts, but the town itself, you know, I heard somewhere recently that you're not allowed to build taller than a palm tree. I do love those parts of the world.
From what I remember, I haven't been there in a while now, but yeah, from what I remember, it was pretty chilled out, you know, Queensland town. Do you remember from your time in Queensland, the relentless humour of tourism shops? I just saw in Cairns as well on the weekend, lots of the shut up and fish hats or the, my favourite of course is women want me fish fear me as a hat or a shirt.
Oh, yeah. Well, I, I a few years ago got my dream car while I'm still, still allowed to have it and I'm all for electric vehicles and that's obviously where we're going, but I got my dream car, which was a Land Cruiser. So I was sort of exposed to that delightful subculture and a lot of it is delightful. I mean, my wife and I with our daughter before our son was born in 2020 just went on a massive drive, you know, like 18,000 kilometres is huge, you know? And you know, you meet, you meet some really lovely people and there's roads that only those cars can go on.
So, you know, but then you see some bumper stickers and you think, you know, like diesel and soot, you know, and you know, pretty charming stuff, you know what I mean? So yeah, the B&S culture in itself is, I mean, Denny Yute Master is home to those bumper stickers. One I saw was a bright pink, must have been an old, old Valiant Yute covered in those stickers and it was obviously owned by an older woman and on the front it said Bundy Nana on the windshield in pink. Just in case there was any doubt. And then on the back, she had a bumper sticker saying, roll me in rum and throw me to the cowboys.
Man. Jesus, man. I like the time. Come on, man.
Pops in the home, she's out there.
Are you going to the Denny Yute Master this year? Am I going to the Denny?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next question. We started this line of discussion with the relentless, as you say, comedy of the tourist stores and I went in and I actually bought a singlet, pretty daggy tourist singlet. They had one singlet, you know, and she directed me straight towards the large and I said, yes, thank you. I can find it. She goes, yeah, this way. It's like, righto, mate. Looked me up and down. Anyway, that's another story.
I'm doing well, actually. I'm feeling good. You're feeling good. You're looking well. Thank you. I look fantastic. How long now?
Well, I'll just say it was a singlet saying Cairns 1988 and someone's standing with a surfboard. Like they'd lifted the image from the old Endless Summer film and it's like, oh yeah, that famous swell of Cairns. Yeah, it was like it got past the Great Barrier Reef and landed on the shores, you know. Every time you talk to surfers, you go, what's the furthest north you've surfed? There's always usually Sunshine Coast, but sometimes you'll meet one of those sickos that's gone up to 1770 and found a wave coming in through the reef.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's folks that'll go out, you know, past the reef and just like, let's go out there. You know, Coral Sea onto the reef. It's proper adrenaline junkie stuff. Yeah.
I mean, my wife grew up surfing and she's pretty coordinated. I was never that coordinated. The boogie board, no dramas.
Yeah, you know what I mean? Escalating, yeah.
Yeah, but I'd look at people that would do that stuff like jumping off the rocks and, you know, and we spend a bit of time down south and you see them and you just think, you know. I did go out once. I used to work with someone who was a really great surfer and he took me out. He lives down on the Great Ocean Road and he took me out with him once and I was, you know, I was pretty young and pretty fit and I thought, all right, no worries. And I didn't even get out before my arms were just like concrete, you know.
Again, sympathizing with Harold Holt. It was bad. It's like, oh, this is what it feels like to be a prime minister.
So how long has it been that you've been living this healthy lifestyle now? I reckon you'd be... About four years now. Four years.
Yeah, we moved up before, we've got family there. My in-laws are all from there. So we moved up before our first kid was born.
And yeah. I'd say about five years.
I've noticed the, and I say this to most people who are, you can tell when someone is living a lifestyle as healthy as yours, you know, where the touring lifestyle is no longer the same for you. You've got the whiter whites of your eyes. You know, you don't have that perennial burnout look of a musician.
No.
Well, that's it. I mean, I definitely did it, you know. I mean, I'm a person who likes to experience things in life, you know, so I've done it.
You know, I was talking to a mate before I got, before I got married, actually, we eloped on that trip that I mentioned before that big trip we did in 2020, we got married on the way home. It was really beautiful. You know, there were seven people there and three of them were my then fiancee, now wife, our daughter and myself.
Yeah, it was pretty good. And congratulations, mate. Well, thank you. Yeah, you kept that one pretty tidy. The thing is about eloping is as peaceful as it is and beautiful, I mean, there's no presence.
I mean, so we thought, oh, should we still ask for presents? Oh, we better not.
There were a couple of presents, you know, here and there, but yeah, he asked me if I was going to have a box. And at that point, I hadn't had a drink in a couple of years by that point. And I was like, I've had a box mate, you know, yeah, I'm all right.
On the dirty mall, you had a few bucks. Yeah, you know, clean, mild, dirty, mild, you know, half mile, 10 miles.
Yeah. Golden Mall. Yeah.
It's been a bit, I'd certainly, you know, I didn't, I'm not going to die wondering. I want to know about your songwriting since you've, you know, kind of settled, I would say, as you said, you've lived, you had a crack. I'm living now, but I'll just say, you know, I'm certainly not saying that you're implying anything. But you know, if I do sound like, you know, sometimes I feel like I've done a lot of press around this. You know what I mean? I'm just, you just get a bit sick. And I know I'm talking about, you know, we're mates, so whatever. But it's kind of, there's a bit of a narrative that like, things used to be shit.
And now they're great. Yeah. I used to be shit. Yeah. And now I'm great. Yeah. It's like, no, I was great before. And I was shit before. And I'm great now. And I have my moments now. You know what I mean?
I go for St. Kilda Football Club, and we've got a really amazing philosopher as a coach, who I love. His name's Ross Lyon.
And nothing's binary, you know. Nothing in life is binary.
So I'll be paraphrasing Ross Lyon throughout the interview. I do it throughout my life. I was in a meeting the other day, and I did it with my manager. St. Kilda fans have to find a way to, you know, keep pushing forward. You know, put up with plenty of shit times. Yeah. I know Tex Perkins says, oh, if we won the flag, it'd be weird because, you know, we're, I'm sort of comfortable with being the underdog. Friends have asked me about that. And I'm going, that's a just coping mechanism.
He's just had to make that make sense because of his life. But what I was going to say is, is that it's, you know, nothing in life is either this or that, you know, binary. It's just, you know, things are complicated. People are complicated.
I'm in a really beautiful place.
And, you know, that'll sort of go on to your question, which I interrupted about the songwriting. The inverse of what you're saying is there's this narrative of, oh, when you do go, you know, you do go straight and you do dry out. There's this narrative that, you know, nothing's happening in your life. You know what I mean? You go from...
I'm fucking exhausted.
Yeah, that's it. You got two kids under five at home and you've got a bit of space and you're working.
So I'm asking with the songwriting now, how has it changed? Because I know what musicians are like, especially younger musicians who are caught in that hard living when they're making songs, you know, making songs on the piece, they're making songs on benders and all kinds of stuff now. Have you found it's like a, it's a completely different process. I want to know about what the process is now for you.
Sure. Look, I feel like I made really great stuff. I found when I was younger, you know, I'm really proud of all the work I've done. That being said, I mean, the work I'm doing now is so fulfilling just for the work itself. Yeah. And I think what it, I think it comes with being, you know, a bit older and, you know, having done a few days work between then and now, you know, as you say, I got two under five and, you know, got responsibilities and I believe in the work, so I would like it to do well. But at the same time, you know, the work from a purely artistic standpoint, I'm just totally fulfilled, you know, which is a really incredible place to be, you know, to be a writer, a painter or poet or musician to be fulfilled within your work is a nice thing, you know.
And that fulfillment with me is not something that I'm then able to rest on. The fulfillment and what a huge part of that fulfillment is the constant challenging myself. You know, I worked with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra a couple of weeks ago and I had a few songs to sing and one of the songs I wasn't as prepared as I would have liked to be and frankly as I usually would be, you know, but for some reason I just wasn't with this particular one and I was really fucking pissed off at myself and frustrated and a bit embarrassed, you know, and it's, that's not necessarily a bad thing that kind of, you know, I wouldn't go as far to say humiliation, but you know, humility is a powerful thing, especially if you've got a bit of an arsenal and especially if you've got the capabilities to really dig in, you know, and kind of double down a bit, you know. So that fulfillment is here because of many things and one of those things is challenging myself, you know.
But I will say that there's my songwriting before I wrote a song called Wait In Love. It's just like there's all the songs up until then and now there's all the songs after that. Wait In Love for me is like fucking, you know.
How would you define that metaphorically? It wouldn't be a fork in the road. It was a, what was it, it is a before and after moment.
It's an arrival.
Yeah.
And, you know, you arrive somewhere because you've been somewhere else and again, I'm proud of the stuff and where I had been and I've worked with, I've collaborated a lot and I've worked with some really great songwriters. I've been really lucky and I've been lucky to become a great songwriter myself, you know.
But it's not, again, it's not a given and it's not something that you can rest on.
You know, you arrive at a place like this and it's like, you're getting, now you've arrived at work, you know. You get your dream job, now you get to start working.
You know, that being said, I guess I've always felt like that, you know, which is a big, which is something that I really appreciate is that I've always, nothing's been more important than what I'm doing right now, you know. And everything I did before was practice to what I'm doing right now.
Did you feel a bit of pressure with that? Because this is the seventh album, it's reflective and it feels kind of, it feels big. Like you're writing it and getting it out. Did you feel the pressure of that to put it all out there? The rawness, the vulnerability, that sort of stuff? I think I definitely did, but I think I felt the pressure before it.
Every other album. Last time we spoke, we spoke about Killer, which I think was a sensational album. Yeah, it's a great album. It's a great album.
And, you know, there was a feeling there. It was unsung a little bit. It was unsung by the landscape, by radio, by whatever.
Was that playing on your mind too, coming into this one? Because you've done a lot of work since then, but this is... Well, that was the pressure that we were just sort of talking about. You know, you just think, oh, well, fuck it then. You know, for a couple of years of that.
Yeah. And look, at the time, and sitting here now and speaking to you now, I mean, I approached that record in, you know, a pretty toxic way from an artistic standpoint. And I don't mean, you know, the cocaine and fucking vodka. Yeah. I mean, I was doing it, thinking about a radio station, I was doing it thinking about a festival bill. Yeah, right. You know, and then you don't get the radio station and that flows on to not getting the festival bill. Yeah. And you just go, well, fuck it then. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?
I'll keep coming back to this, but I write Wade in Love, and it was honestly just such a... There we are. This is just a beautiful, beautiful song, really well written. I wrote it with Joel Kordermain, I got to say, who's my producer and best mate and incredible musician and producer, artist, you know, and it's like, oh, well, fuck it. You know, this is what I want to do, and I'm proud of Killer and I think it's really beautiful, but at the same time, you know, mate, at that time in my life, you know, I was running at max 65%.
Redlining. Yeah.
And you just kind of, you're spinning plates and you're full of shit. I was full of shit.
Yeah. And when you're affected like that and you think, oh, well, it's all right because no one else knows or whatever, well, no one else cares for starters. Yeah, right. So the fact that you're getting around thinking, oh, well, I'm fucking, I'm tricking everyone here. No one gives a shit. Yeah. Right.
And secondly, you're bullshitting yourself and you're full of shit, you're not being as good as you can possibly be, you know, but I was disrespecting my, my talent and my gift. I was, I was, you know, making people around me worried.
So the sobriety thing, right? Being sober is big, but it's, it's just another box that's been ticked in going from one space to another. Right. And I remember the moment, okay, I was in rehab and I was, I wasn't staying in a rehab. I was staying at home and it was nine to five, my letter Friday. Anyway, I went in and my counselor who's still my counselor now and a good friend of mine asked me if I'd been to a meeting the night before, which I was supposed to, you know, you're supposed to be going to these things and, and I said, yeah, well you never off the clock, you know, I know what you mean, but I'm just being a bit, you know, sobriety is not nine to five, we're going to go get lunch and I'm still on the clock. Yeah. I'm sober from nine to five, nine to five and it's working out great.
And he asked me if I'd been to a meeting and I said that I had, and two minutes later I was like, what am I doing? I'm here, you know, from a pragmatic, practical standpoint, financial standpoint, it cost me a fucking fortune and I'm talking shit to this guy who doesn't give a fuck really. He only cares about it and how it's going to affect me. But he's not, he's not going home, you know, thinking about every single person that's talked shit to him, you know, about their sobriety and you know, and I just got pulled him aside and it was in front of people, it was in the tea room, you know, Lipton next to the honey.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Couple of Arnott's bikis. Blend 43, Arnott's Assortments, you know what I mean? Yeah. I was serious.
I couldn't bring Dilmah in. I was like, fuck, you know, no, you can't bring in your own teabags mate.
You know, like it was pretty full of, I told him, I said, look, that was a lie. And it was, it was a light bulb. Yeah. Right. That was the moment. It was the moment, man. It was just like, got to stop talking shit. What am I doing? You know? And I was, and I was generally a pretty honest person, but at the same time I would tell lies when it was about stuff, you know, about, there would be some lies along the way, like that, you know, and you just kind of, oh yeah, and it's this spinning plate stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what I've been able to get to since then is I've been able to get to a place where I'm not fucking flogging myself over that, you know, cause I've had a bit of shame around it. Look, I took as long as I needed to take to do what I needed to do. And when I was ready, I did it. And now I've been sober over five years. I was sober for a year before the birth of my first child.
They've never seen me pissed. They've never seen anyone pissed.
You know what I mean? And I grew up in a house that didn't have any alcohol in it, you know, and if it was, it was occasional. My dad occasionally, very, very rarely, and it was never scary. It was never toxic, you know, and it was just, well, yeah, you know, a bit kind of bit sleepy, you know what I mean? It was never anything like that. And I remember always thinking and wanting that for my kids, you know what I mean? That, that kind of environment and that relationship with alcohol. And I knew that I had a problem for a long time, you know, but it wasn't, so the sobriety was just a thing that came along with that.
Just fucking, what are you doing? You know? So when I get, when I sit down at the piano and I write, wait in love and I think, oh, well, fucking triple J, I'm going to play this. It's like, well, who gives a shit? You're a fucking artist and they didn't play your last album anyway. You know what I mean? So you didn't play your rock star album. You know what I mean? Who gives a fuck? You know?
Who gives triple J? I've named them, but it's not just them.
It's the whole thing. I mean, if you're an artist and you're, and you're working for anyone else and anyone else's wants or, or needs or expectations, it's a toxic fucking scene. You got to do it sometimes. Absolutely.
Like my, my management, they're really great. I mean, they know a lot about content and social media. And so they're getting me to do things that I think are embarrassing, you know, until I do them. And then I liked them, you know what I mean?
I'm just getting used to it. And the fact is, is that I don't have to do it.
Yeah. You know, no one has to do anything. I do want to ask, so we can talk about the sound and we can talk about the fucking avenue, but like, I think of artists, we interviewed Tex Perkins the other day and I think Oh did you? Yeah. We had a good chat with him there. Coping mechanism. Yeah.
The old, the concealed a martyr.
But there's also, you know, Tex Perkins exists in folklore. I would argue a household name, even in non Muzo kind of households, but, and Don Walker is another interview we did the other day, you know, aside from Chisel, all of Don Walker's work is lauded, but it isn't that mainstream. You know, you talk to an artist.
Yeah. You've got musicians, musicians. Yeah.
You know, and Don, you know, he's had a lot of commercial success, obviously, but you know, a lot of his work is, as you say, not, not as, you know, but I mean, I think that goes for anyone really, doesn't it? I mean, Jim Maggini, Oils, I mean, he, he never stops working and most of what he does and particularly now the Oils, they're done until they do a reunion show, which they have to do.
For the voice. Yeah. Maybe for the voice. Yeah. Not the TV show. Maybe, but imagine they did one. Oh yeah. We'll do one for the voice. Oh, great. And they're on that, and they're on that TV show.
Benji Madden spinning a chair. Is this what you meant? Rita Ora wants you to be on the team.
Yeah. This is it. Isn't it? Yeah.
Um, you know, sorry, but is that where you start talking about what's going to play live? Is that what you start talking about? What's going to play either in a roaring live music venue like, um, what's the one down there in the dirty mall, the, um, the work workman's or the way Rob Roy used to be when I actually did a, my album, an album launch at the Rob Roy.
It's the workers.
Yeah. Are you talking about one like that joint like that or are you talking about that's a, that's Gertrude street and Fitzroy street. Yeah. For all you listeners out there. Yeah. Gertrude street. Yeah. So when I'm writing, I mean when I'm writing, I I'm, I'm writing for stadiums. Yeah. I'm writing without expectations. Yeah. Of course.
I don't have low expectations, but I don't have high expectations.
You do play stadiums in, in, in different capacities. I have. Yeah. I have been in stadiums. I've seen stadiums.
Yeah. I was talking to my wife this morning, actually. This is a bit off topic. I guess I'll ask you guys a question. Does it seem now, and maybe it's a post pandemic thing, but there's just all these, you know, massive artists and acts and it's just like, there's a lot of stadium shows at the moment. Yeah. I think it is a post pandemic thing. And I think it's hilarious cause it's really upsetting in Sydney particularly, you know, people who are like, we moved next to the Sydney football stadium with the promise that there would be two live shows a year to be Robbie Williams and a BU too. And only then. Yeah. Bruno Mars and fucking Taylor Swift, they've got everything coming. Where's he from? Yeah. What's, what's her deal? Yeah.
Well, Taylor Swift can't put on enough stadium shows. She could do one a day for the next year and they'll be sold out.
Poor Tay Tay.
That was, that was good to see for the girls. I remember that was good. It was good to see. It was amazing. It was great to see a little Beatlemania.
You know what I mean? I think it's amazing. Yeah. We, we were going to start selling our tickets and we got a call from a certain ticket provider saying, don't give it a week, push it back before any announcements. My manager was like, she loves, she loves, she loves Taylor. Um, yeah. So we were pretty lucky that they, that they called, that they sent us through the thing. But yeah. Now I want to talk to you about playing stadiums.
Australian psyche, Dan Salton is the type of artist, and this is a rare title to behold where you can play an origin or a grand final entertainment and you're not going to be met with the response of who's that, who, you know what I mean? You are, that's a tough gig because it's like, I've worked hard for a very long time for that. It's, it's tough because it's like, everyone's like Dan Salton's perfect, Dan Salton's perfect because anyone else they would be viewed, anyone else would be viewed as radically experimental. It's like Dan Salton, hunters and collectors and chisel.
That's all good. Like, uh, Briggs is probably getting to that point. It's a rare thing. Yeah.
Um, cause that's a hard crowd to keep happy for the people who have come to watch football. I did the NRL grand final years ago and I was doing, it was like a rolling stones medley with Phil Jamison from Grinspoon, Tim Rogers, Davy Lane was playing guitar, of course, and forgive me, forgive me, I'm sure there were, there are others, but you know, it was a while ago and you know, things are a bit dusty from back then. And I remember them saying Tim Rogers, Phil Jamison, you know, Grinners, you know, Dan Salton, there might've been a few thousand people cheering, which is usually good, but when there's a hundred thousand people there and a few thousand people cheer.
Your tour kicks off the Dan Salton East Coast tour on the 30th of September this year, I believe. Yes. Grand final season. Uh, well yeah, I mean grand finals usually around that time. Yeah. First week in October. Any, um, any thoughts on a NRL return, NRL grand final return?
Well, I'm available for inquiries, but um, yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's a funny one. You can't help but get flogged. Yeah. You know, there's going to be people, but that's just life, I guess. Whatever. This is, you're in the, you're in entertainment.
I mean, there's people, as you said before, there's people who want Chisel or Hunnison Collectors. In the AFL they want Hunnison Collectors, in the NRL they want Chisel. And they play them and they get the gigs a lot too.
Well, as they should, I mean, just get Seymour to sing Holy Grail. It's literally the Holy Grail of that sport, said sport.
You know what I mean? It's a no brainer. As I was saying before, you are one of the few who can pull that off, uh, you know, at this point in your career. And I want to talk about it. I don't know if I want to though. Yeah, that's it.
And you've said no before. I have said no. Yeah. I said no to last year.
Yeah. And why is that? Um, you know, if you're not careful as a first nations artist and act, and this, I think this is particular to me for the point I am in my career and I don't think it's necessarily true. You know, I think a few years ago I probably would have jumped at it, but opportunities, things that are presented as opportunities, if you're not careful, right, they become glass ceilings. Okay. So opportunities become glass ceilings.
So I mean, there's only so many times I can stand behind someone and sing a particular song. Oh, that's what you do. You reach a certain point as a first nations artists and then you sing this song or you sing that song, you know? And the people that were performing, I know all of them, I've worked with all of them, you know, incredible artists, acts.
It's certainly not, I'm not saying anything against any individuals. It's just the look for me. And it's just how things get represented out there, which I've always fought against and I don't like it. And at the time I could have used the money, but I didn't want to spend another, do another thing where I'm just there basically because I was average colour commentary.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
It's all clicked for me now when you say AFL, this was effectively probably a week after the Hawthorne review would come out too. So there was a little bit of a rushed kind of very, I do remember it, a very rushed response to that in many, many ways. And it did feel like that's what that would have been, you know, solid rock was playing of course. Well, I don't think it was necessary. I think that was on the cards before the Hawthorne stuff. And I'd spoken, you know, in the years previous and it just didn't work out and I wasn't about to be in cycle. I was in cycle this year. So it was something that was a bit of a better fit for me and my, where I was at personally. So I mean, sometimes things just work out. Sometimes you just get lucky, you know, there was Hawthorne and then there was that, you know.
Can I ask you about the grand final in the slightly tangential thing to it? What's it actually like playing a grand final?
Is it a little bit weird in the sense that you've got a couple of songs, you've got a crowd who aren't ready to, you know, have a bull kite. They're not there for you effectively.
Yeah. It's weird being out there playing. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah. Okay. I mean, it's, it's a lot of fun. It's exciting. You know what I mean?
I will say I haven't played an AFL grand final. I've played the NFL, NRL, but, and, uh, NFL, I can chill out.
It's a good album mate, but you know, it's one day at a time coming down from the ceiling. Hang on a minute. I don't know. He seemed fine for a while, but then he started, I don't know, he's lost it. He should probably get back on the piss. Yeah. Are you sure you're not on the piss?
I played the NRL, but I have played a few prelims, which are massive. And you know, it's from, from a practical standpoint, it's essentially the same thing. And yeah, it sucks. I mean, it's exciting, but you can't fucking hear anything. You've got, you know, you've got these in ears that are kind of weird because you're in this stadium and you know, but you do it and you get through it and you're with people that you enjoy being with and you have fun and you share something and then 10 minutes set looking at a grandma and a grandpa in full saints kit.
Well, yeah, I mean, I, I would like to, you know, I think I would like to play the grand final, but I would like to play theirs as Dan Salton. That's my first nations mega mix. Here we go. Yeah.
You know, and that's, and that's just something, that's just the point I've gotten to in my career. I've enjoyed that before and I've done that before. And again, I think it's for me personally, you know, I'm just talking about myself here. Obviously it's just, it's just become, I've noticed it, it become a bit of a glass ceiling. I want to be a bit sensitive to it as well. Look, that's a, that's obviously a term that's been about, I've been around, you know, in relation to women in the workplace and, and all that kind of thing.
So I don't want to speak out of school and you know, if I've, if I've done that or anything, that's not what I want to do, but I think, you know, being a first nations person, we're not without our own marginalisation and struggles, you know, so that's just where I'm coming from with that. It's just, there are things that are builders opportunities for one reason or another, which is none of my business, but I have feelings about them, but you know, I think you can imagine what some of those might be. I don't think they're all negative, but you know, they're builders opportunities. But then if that's the only thing, and if that's the absolute pinnacle of wide Australia or these promoters expectations on you as a first nations artist, I don't like it and I'm not, and I'm not paying attention to it and I'm not giving it oxygen and I'm not breathing on it.
But it is, it is interesting you say that because when you actually can remove yourself from it, people wonder, what does that look like? You know, what does that look like for artists who are able to be artists and are able to transcend any glass ceiling or anything like that?
And the answer is the kid, Leroy in many circumstances, you know, he's not doing Coachella. He's not doing Coachella as the first nations kind of, you know, he's not doing any welcome to countries, he's not doing anything like that.
He just got out of this place and good on him, you know, and then every time he comes back, they just, you know, not all of them, but you know, the usual suspects have a go about something, whether it's his family or whatever it is, you know, it's just like, you know, whatever. You see sponsored, you see, he's the, I just saw that today, he's the sponsor for the South Broken Hill footy club, they were about to go bust and that's looking after the roots.
Yeah. I mean, I think it's, I think it's great, but you know, I don't think that's, you know, I think as first nations people, we definitely experienced it a lot, but I think as Australians, I mean, you've got to, if you want, if you want more, you got to get out, you know what I mean? What would you say right now? Your sound is? Oh, beautiful. Yep. Beautiful. Yeah. I think it's beautiful. Yep. I love it. Yep.
Everyone gets put in places by other people as far as what are they? What do they represent? What's the context? How does this person make sense to me?
It's not just first nations people. There are things that are unique to first nations artists that were things that exist in that space that are unique to us, but you know, the, that happening itself isn't, you know, unique to first nations.
So whatever. I mean, you, you talk about, you know, when you, when you step away from that, what does that look like for an artist? I mean, for me, it was just really peaceful, you know, mate, we spoke about it before we got in. There was a friend's wedding out in Western Queensland that I wasn't able to go to because a couple of things fell over at the end of last year and, you know, doing something like the grand final would have been a big help at that time. You know, I got kids and I got responsibilities. So it's a balance, you know, I mean, I'm not so selfish that I'm just not going to do things. I mean, I have to some and some things I have to do, but you just weigh it up, you know what I mean? And it's, it was something that I didn't feel was right at the time, you know, so, so what does that look like? Well, as an artist, it looks great. And it feels great. Yeah. And then you go and you start making your best work and that's what I've done.
And where are you most excited to get back to? Where are you taking it?
Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane. Yeah, we're going to do that first and then we'll, we're thinking about some regional stuff, but these are going to be the big shows in beautiful rooms. So the Princess Theatre in Brisbane, which I've never been to, but I've seen and looks amazing and I've heard it's really great. And the recital centres in Melbourne and Sydney respectively, which are just beautiful, big, gorgeous rooms.
Is it just you? What are we talking about here?
No, full show. Okay. Full band. Yeah.
We've done a lot of work to get, get the new material up and it feels awesome. Well he's arrived. Dan Sultan has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. This is him. This is the bloke. You can tune in on an array of different platforms and listen to his new work or you can go see him live and we can all together listen to the aftermath of Wait In Love. The before and after moment, the arrival that has led to today's arrival. Thank you for joining us. Dan Sultan. Thanks for having me.
I've been around, you know, in relation to women in the workplace and, and all that kind of thing. So I don't want to speak out of school and you know, if I've, if I've done that or anything, I, that's not what I want to do, but I think, you know, being a First Nations person, we're not without our own marginalisation and metaphors and struggles. You know, so that's just where I'm coming from with that. It's just, there are things that are builders opportunities for one reason or another, which is none of my business, but I have feelings about them, but you know, I think you can imagine what, what some of those might be. I don't think they're all negative, but you know, they're builders opportunities. But then if that's the only thing, and if that's the absolute pinnacle of white Australia or these promoters expectations on you as a First Nations artist, I don't like it and I'm not, and I'm not paying attention to it and I'm not giving it oxygen and I'm not breathing on it.
But it is, it is interesting you say that because when you actually can remove yourself from it, people wonder, what does that look like? You know, what does that look like for artists who are able to be artists and are able to transcend any glass ceiling or anything like that? And the answer is the kid, Leroy in many circumstances, you know, he's just got out.
Well, he's not doing Coachella. He's not doing Coachella as the First Nations kind of, you know, he's not doing any Welcome to Country. He's not doing anything like that.
No, he just got out of this place and good on him, you know, and then every time he comes back, they just, you know, not all of them, but you know, the usual suspects have a go about something, whether it's his family or whatever it is, you know, it's just like, you know, whatever you see sponsored, you see, he's the, I just saw this today. He's the sponsor for the South Broken Hill Footy Club. They were about to go bust. Yeah, good on him. That's looking after the roots.
Yeah. I mean, I think it's, I think it's great, but you know, I don't think that's, you know, I think as First Nations people, we definitely experienced it a lot, but I think as Australians, I mean, you've got to, if you want, if you want more, you got to get out. You know what I mean? What would you say right now your sound is? Oh, beautiful. Yep. Beautiful. Yeah. I think it's beautiful. Yep. I love it.
I love the people as far as what are they? What do they represent? What's the context? How does this person make sense to me?
It's not just First Nations people. There are things that are unique to First Nations artists that were things that exist in that space that are unique to us. But you know, that happening itself isn't, you know, unique to First Nations.
So whatever. I mean, you talk about, you know, when you when you step away from that, what does that look like for an artist? I mean, for me, it was just really peaceful. You know, mate, we spoke about it before we got in, you know, there was a friend's wedding out in Western Queensland that I wasn't able to go to because a couple of things fell over at the end of last year and, you know, doing something like the grand final would have been a big help at that time. You know, I got kids and I got responsibilities. So it's a balance, you know, I mean, I'm not so selfish that I'm just not going to do things. I mean, I have to. I have some things I have to do, but you just weigh it up, you know what I mean? And it was something that I didn't feel was was right at the time, you know. So what does that look like? Well, as an artist, it looks great and it feels great. And then you go and you start making your best work and that's what I've done.
And where are you most excited to get back to? Where are you taking it?
Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane. Yeah, we're going to do that first and then we're thinking about some regional stuff, but these are going to be the big shows in beautiful rooms. So the Princess Theatre in Brisbane, which I've never been to, but I've seen and looks amazing and I've heard it's really great. And the recital centres in Melbourne and Sydney, respectively, which are just beautiful, big, gorgeous rooms.
Is it just you? What are we talking about here?
No, full show. OK. Full band. Yeah.
We've done a lot of work to get the new material up and it feels awesome. Well, he's arrived. Dan Sultan has arrived. Ladies and gentlemen, this is him. This is the bloke. You can tune in on an array of different platforms and listen to his new work or you can go see him live and we can all together listen to the aftermath of Wait In Love. Before and after moment, the arrival that has led to today's arrival. Thank you for joining us. Dan Sultan. Thanks for having me. |
dropout | sober_sex | Hi. You look nice tonight. Thanks. Hey, so you're acting weird.
Yeah, it's, uh, there's something I've been wanting to tell you. I've been wanting to say the same thing.
Let's fuck sober.
Oh my god, you said it too. Yeah, I mean, every time we go out, we have to get really drunk before we go home together. Right, right. It's like we're trying to hide the awkwardness of seeing each other's central vulnerable state because we don't really know each other that well. Exactly. And I feel like our emotional comfort level has caught up with our physical side of our relationship.
Hey guys, are we having any wine tonight? Actually, we're good. We're fucking sober tonight. Very nice.
I'll give you a second to look over the menus. God, I'm just, I'm thinking about it. It's, it's gonna be so weird. Oh, are you not ready? We can take it slow. We can fuck totally hammered not remembering what positions we were in or whether it was good or not. That's sweet of you to offer, but I'm ready.
Hey mom. Yeah, I'm out with Josh right now. Guess what? He said it. Mom, if anything, we're more likely to use protection now. Yeah.
Okay, I gotta go. I don't mean to get ahead of ourselves, but I totally move in with you earlier than is normal because it's cost and space efficient for our urban lives. I'd poop in your apartment without rushing to make you think that I was peeing. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Our next song goes out to the lovely couple sitting right here who will be having sex sober for the very first time tonight. That's way too binding. Let's get out of here. Okay.
I'm gonna go smoke a joint in the bathroom. I think I have some Vicodin in my purse. |
dropout | the_danger_of_running_into_friends | Hey!
What are you doing here? No, I'm just going for a walk.
It's so funny running into you. I know. I never run into people I know.
Yeah. Siobhan? Oh, hey guys. Siobhan! Hey! You guys hanging? No, we just ran into each other and now we ran into you. Yeah.
It's crazy. It's really crazy.
I know. What do we do now? Do we hang out or something? Yeah.
Cynthia? What? Oh! Hey! How does this keep happening? What's going on? I was just going to go check on where a very cat's body is and I just ran into Zac and Siobhan. Cool. Something's off. Right? Hey! Look at this!
Isn't this a fun? This isn't fun. This is wild, you know? Something's wrong. This would never keep happening.
Shane! What? Shane! It's like someone is setting something up. Shane! Zac!
It's me, your freshman year roommate. Me, your sophomore year roommate.
No. We got to get out of here. Hey, Zac! You're all your friends. Wow! So it's like people you specifically know? This is all wrong. Zac, is that your parents? Hey! No, no, no, no. We all have to get out of here right now!
This is bad.
No, no, no, no! No!
Aah! I had Zac from College Humor. Thanks for watching.
You can click here to subscribe or you can click over here for something else fun. You can also click here if you want to feed me clicks. I like them. Mmm clicks |
cracked | why_being_a_henchman_in_the_zelda_universe_would_suck_8_bits | This is frickin' stupid, dude. Come on! Gannon said to set it by the... Three. It gets dark in like a minute, and I don't want to get stuck in zombies on the way back. Oh. I thought you quit. Hey, screw you. And screw Gannon. Hey, hey, hey, watch it.
Gannon puts potions in your pantry. Why? Rory? Why the hell are we doing this? You know, Gleebus, I didn't really ask why, because at the time he gave us our orders, Gannon was in the form of a giant magic board. Why would anyone leave a treasure chest in the frickin' woods?
I don't know. Well, neither do I, which means it's probably dead kids or something.
You are one morbid son of a lawnlawn. You know that, Gleebus? What are you doing?
Gannon said... Gannon can eat my Deku nuts.
What is he... It's just a bunch of worthless crap. There's a compass in here? Broken sword? Oh my...
Is there a key to this chest? In the chest?
No. No, there isn't.
There's just a giant key to bullshit. Come on, Gleebus.
An empty jar. There is a container in this container. Wait, wait, wait. I guess I see some money.
One rupee. A single rupee. We carried this chest easily worth 20 rupees. Ten miles in the blazing heat to leave it. Unlocked in the forest with a single rupee inside. It costs us three rupees to cross Pussy Willow Bridge.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. There's something in there. It's moving in the corner. See? I told you that Gannon wouldn't waste our... It's a heart! That's it. I am out. If you need me, I'll be in the Lost Woods till this blows over. Wait!
You are one morbid son of a lawnlawn. You know that, Gleebus? We do. You're at the cracked office. Cracked you later. |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_Tornado_Jail | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Buck Fruchster. It begins. Out of the gate, and to my left is anchor number two, she does have a name and that name is... Glenn with three Ns.
We begin tonight with the first story, babies. Babies are the shriveled rats that husbands and wives make by peeing on each other. Everyone knows that babies smell bad and suck at math, but did you know that babies turn into people? Art scientists at a university somewhere say that people used to be babies. And when babies become enormous, that's how people happen. Fascinating. So I was a baby before I got so huge? Exactly. But babies don't stop changing once they shape shift into people.
When people die, they turn into skeletons. And the skeletons are made of bones, which are worth a lot of money. After you die, you can sell your bones to a weird dude on the internet. And he will pay top dollar to own your skeleton and dress it up very sexy. He will kiss your skeleton. I can't wait to sell my bones after I die and get rich. I will buy a boat with my bone money.
Now we turn to the United Nations, the building where all the countries scream at each other.
Thanks Glenn with three N's. Major news happened at the United Nations today when all the countries declared peace on each other so they could team up and kick my ass. Russia and America agreed to be friends and are planning to take turns paddling my sweet little behind and twisting my nips till I scream for mercy.
Dog Boy, it sounds like you're terrible and deserve all this. Yes, Buck. I'm the worst. My stupid face is annoying as hell and my piehole never stops yapping.
What else will the United Nations do to you? Well, Italy is going to hold my arms and Peru is going to hold my legs so I can't run away like the little I am. France is going to spit in my hair and China will give me a wet willy. Then England will kick me hard in the ribs and all the country will laugh until they notice I'm not breathing. The countries will scream, what the did we do? We went too far. The nations of the world will then panic and run away.
Thanks, Dog Boy. We hate you. Go fuck yourself and great work as always.
I say tornado, you say tornado. No matter how you pronounce it, the death toll is 85 dead and rising in the town of Smishburg after a cyclone decimated it today. Our weather person Crystal Lake is on the scene of the tragedy. Crystal, tell us about that smushed city. One second there was no tornado, the next second it was tornado time. The whole town is a mess and I have a list of all the buildings that were destroyed.
Please read it. You must read it. Read it now. Okay, but only because I want to.
The tornado wrecked the town's all nude library. It demolished Concussion Stadium, the beloved football stadium where high school kids get concussions and their proud parents cheer, my son's brain is broken now. It destroyed the wax museum that only has statues of Robert Downey Jr. from when he was still a drink due to drugs. The tornado also sucked all the gorillas out of the town's zoo and sent them flying way high into the sky, which is sad because they all died, but also it was kind of hilarious to watch because the gorillas were very surprised and had pretty goofy expressions. Just horrible.
I wish that tornado was a person so it could go to jail. I also wish the tornado would go to jail.
It's interesting you say that because the jail was also destroyed. I'm trying to do it. Amy's crying. Sorry, the jail was also what? Crystal? Destroyed. Oh, bummer. It's not working.
And it wasn't like one of those bad girls. You think that's going to help? Wow! Jimmy Stewart. And it wasn't like one of those bad girls. I think he's lost Crystal. And it wasn't like one of those bad girls with injustice. It was a cool Johnny Cash style jail that people make awesome songs about.
Total bummer. Crystal, did they say how much it would cost to rebuild? Oh, they're not going to bother. I'm saying the nice stuff about the town right now, but honestly it sucked. Mean people who deserved what they got. Mean people suck.
I saw that on a t-shirt once. That's all the time we have for today. Before we go, we must announce that today's loser is Amy Vorpahl.
Surprising no one. Incredible. A mere 100% meltdown.
I had my face planned and everything. You had your face planned?
There is a face that I can do that makes me not laugh. What is your face that makes you not laugh?
I was trying to do it and it was... Yeah, that's not funny at all. What a perfect parachute. A rip cord for you to pull in case things get too silly. A fail-safe strategy to never laugh again. Let me try that and see if that works.
Hello, I'm Jim Jam Smagglers, the swindler cat. If you liked that video, there are ten full episodes of Breaking News that will only be available on Dropout.tv. Start your free trial today. And now make way for Sam Reich, the manager cat.
Wait, I can't sing. Can't sing. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Lee_Daniels_The_Butler | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at Lee Daniels' The Butler, a historical drama inspired by the true story of an African-American White House butler and a very important film that features very important people and covers very important themes. Overall, this is a big, important movie that you will watch and think, oh my god, this is all very important. Race, family, Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, government, love, Richard Nixon, hopes, dreams, fathers and sons, the White House and Dwight D. Eisenhower are all extremely important and because this is an important movie, they're represented here.
Forest Whitaker is Cecil Gaines, the titular butler himself. Though Whitaker never explicitly says it, his performance seems to suggest what I am doing is important, what I am saying is important. The way this scene is lit with its rich golden hues means that what is happening is important. Hello, moviegoer. I'm Forest Whitaker, playing the part of Cecil.
Do you understand how important this film is? One would also be remiss not to mention Oprah Winfrey, who produced this movie because of its importance and acts in it because that is equally important. Throughout the film, she screams, yells, and cries because everything happening around her is very significant and historic. The more significant and historic, the louder the screaming and more tearful the crying. Everything you are and everything you have is because of that butler. The orchestral score by Portuguese composer Rodrigo Leal only further underscores the sheer significance of everything you're watching and lets you know that you are seeing a movie that is, by all accounts, truly meaningful. This scene is important. This scene is also important. What you're seeing here, all of this is very, very historic and very important. Indeed, when I left my screening of The Butler, I couldn't help but shake my head and remark how significant what I just watched was. Significant, historic, and important. I almost couldn't breathe because the importance of this movie was practically crushing my chest. Simply put, it is unfathomable to express in words how important a role The Butler will play, not just in our lives, but in the lives of every single American until the end of time.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | this_one_fan_theory_changes_all_of_star_wars_canon_forever | So, a lot of us all are familiar with the story of a young farm man, Luke Skywalker, who was thrust into adventure and tasked with saving the galaxy from the evil Darth Vader and Emperor Palatine. These are space warriors and warlocks battling for the fate of their galaxy.
But what if I told you that there was more to this? I know, I know, but just bear with me, I think you'll come around to my way of thinking.
After noticing a father-son theme in the new Star Wars film, The Force Awakens, I started to think maybe it was in the other films too. And after rewatching the original trilogy, I'm convinced of some heavy father-son themes. But there's something else about The Force Awakens that I noticed, and eagle-eyed viewers may have too, though I haven't seen anything on the blogs or anything. But watch it again, and in the background of one of the scenes, there's a clue hinting that Rey might not know who her parents are, and her parentage might even be important. Now this got me thinking, Luke didn't know his parents, so maybe there's something there. And after rewatching the original trilogy again, I'm convinced there's something there.
Luke is parentless all the time, and even asks about his dad once. Here's Luke without a dad. Here he is again, with no dad to speak of. We're constantly being shown that he is dadless. Or is he?
Let's look at the very first time we ever see Darth Vader. He blasts through a door and walks down a hallway through a cloud of smoke. Now what I think this scene represents is a father, Darth Vader, walking in on a daughter, the Leia character, when she's been smoking.
He scolds her. She pouts.
It's a highly clever and symbolic scene that links Leia and Vader. If you've seen my other recent video, Leia and Luke are at least siblings, which I have linked in the comments, then you know where I'm going with this. If we accept that the Star Wars character, Princess Leia, is the daughter of the Darth Vader character in Star Wars, then that's right, Luke, being at least Leia's brother, would be the son. And here he is watching a bunch of smoke, which I think links him even more with the scene. Like, he's the straight edge child watching from afar as his sister gets reamed out for doing pot. So I think I've already proven that Luke at least represents being the son of Darth Vader, who I think, if you think about it, represents being a dad kind of character.
Like in this pivotal scene, we hear him say, with first I was a learner, now I am the master. So he's saying, now he's a master. Master being a word, meaning a male head of Housewoman, and most of those are dads. He's saying, I'm the master, I'm taking over the House. See, he's the dad now.
I mean, take the very name, Darth Vader. Darth.
What is that if the letters were corresponding numbers? Well, D is 4, A is 1, then R is 18, T is 20, and H is 8. A trilogy is 3, so let's take the last three. 20 minus 18 is 2, 8 divided by 2 is 4. 4's corresponding letter is D, so now we have D-A-D, which is the way to spell dad.
Also, just in general, Darth is kind of like dad, sound wise. And Vader sounds like the Vader part of Invader, as in he invaded Luke's mother's womb with his spermatozoa and impregnated her. So Vader basically sounds like a guy who has a really deep voice, which I think a lot of dads probably do. I don't know, my dad's voice is pretty low, not like Vader low, but pretty low. Also, at one point, he says this. I am your father. So here we have the word father, which is American English and English for the Dutch Vader, which is the character's name. So why would he say his name? I am Vader. Not a very interesting line, two thirds of the way through the trilogy. But he says I here, not me. I, as in the Roman numeral I, as in the number one, as in number one dad. What he's saying here is number one dad is Vader, and if you watch the films, you'll notice Vader does all kinds of dad stuff, all kinds of times.
Here he is waving at his son's friend, like a dad would do. Here he is protecting his daughter from bad boys, like a dad does. And let's go back to that one of him waving at the friend Karen. Waving with those black gloves? Hmm, where have I seen gloves before? That's right, on loop, the only other character to wear gloves.
And if you know anything about the extended universe, you'll know why that's important. George Lucas was clearly trying to tell us something. But what? I think he's trying to tell us that Darth Vader from Star Wars is Luke Skywalker from Star Wars' dad. But is he?
Well, you'll have to watch part two to find out. Thanks for watching this one though. Be sure to subscribe to know when part two comes out. Yeah, yeah, like the video if you've ever seen Star Wars and share it if you clicked like. Thanks guys, bye. |
dropout | What_Is_the_Best_Funeral_You_Can_Imagine_Rank_Room_Full_Episode | What is the best funeral you can imagine?
I'm Katie Marovitch, and today I am joined by Ali Beardsley. Hello. Siobhan Thompson. I'm taking this very seriously. And Jake Hurwitz. Pleasure to be here.
Jake, would you like to begin? I'd love to.
Thank you. My first answer is puppy reincarnation. Now, funerals naturally are a bit sad because somebody is dead. In this case, it's me. That's pretty depressing. So I'm imagining a Buddhist monk or something explains to everybody, my friends, family, loved ones, peers, coworkers, what reincarnation is, and then announces that I have been reincarnated and I'm a puppy. And then he releases me.
Oh, that's very nice. Yeah, it's nice.
Does it work that you die and then as the funeral is happening, the puppy is being birthed? I thought about that. I don't think it has to be so perfectly timed because like- But the puppy has to have been born after you died though, right? Yeah. I mean- It could be a matter of seconds. What kind of puppy are you picturing?
It's a really great question. I'm glad you asked. Thank you.
I think a golden retriever. Okay. I knew you were going to say that. I can see it. Do I look like a golden retriever?
You honestly do.
And they are the best puppies. Like I don't think, here's my opinion about golden retrievers. I don't think they're the best dogs, but puppies, absolutely.
Bravo. You're right about that.
Did you know that they have what's called a soft mouth and they can carry an egg without breaking it? And that's why people get them for children because they have a soft bite. They never bite all the way down. Oh, that's really sweet.
Do you have a funeral then? Because dogs, humans outlive dogs. So then do you have to have a second funeral for puppy Jake?
Exactly. And that's when I come back. Oh! What a twist. You should have mentioned that. That's the important one. I just thought of it. That's why we're brainstorming. That's great.
So I've been cryogenically frozen. I am a dog. I live my nice long dog life and then dog dies and boom, grandpa's back. You're back. Grandpa's back.
So both of mine are funerals for other people because funerals are for other people. You don't get to go to your own funeral unless for some crazy reason that you do. But right now, the dead don't bury themselves. Correct. So this first suggestion is a very traditional funeral where every single person there has a very dramatic soap opera like revelation about the person that died. I just think it would be so much fun to go to a funeral where everybody's like, I have a secret.
He was my father! He was my uncle!
Oh no! But we had sex! Yes! Like every single thing and then four different women go, I'm pregnant!
And then all of your sadness is forgotten because there's so much drama. Just chaos. And this man was horrible, maybe.
Oh, maybe. But also just like really love to love. Oh yeah, that's a good word for that. This is the person giving the eulogy on the fly. All right, all right, sit down. He's not terrible. Love to love.
Do you think you're involved in the soap opera stories? Or are you just an outsider? Oh, I think I'm like just sitting in a corner like, ooh, my friend was like, please can you come to this funeral? So I'm not connected to these people and I'm just sitting in the corner. So it's almost like you're watching a soap opera, like your postmates might show up with some like Indian food.
What's going on at this crazy funeral? That could be like a job, funeral writer. Oh yeah. Oh my gosh. Just like want to write funerals.
Great TV.
Honestly, funerals suck. Funerals suck. They suck.
It's always like someone who cannot speak publicly. Right. Yeah.
And then they're like, let me tell you a story about John. Well, one time John and I went to the store.
Start in the middle, writers 101.
Because the people that actually care about the person that died are always too emotional to actually say anything. So it's always somebody who's like hugely tangential.
Yeah. That is what kills me. When I go to a funeral and it's like the priest who just got like a breakdown really quick from the family. Right. Daryl loved the Yankees. Yeah. And the family, they were close.
I always want to yell like, you didn't know that. You don't know.
And you sometimes do. I should. And sometimes I do. Were you at that funeral that I ruined?
Yeah, yeah. Allie? Yes. Would you like to go ahead with your first idea? Yes, I would.
I wrote about my own funeral and they're always really sad.
And I thought that maybe we could put it in perspective. Nice pointer. Thank you.
People will show up to my funeral. They're very sad. They sit down. It looks like it's going to be a whole like typical funeral.
And instead it is we bring in a projector. There's a big screen and we just show three hours straight of footage of crowded areas around the world.
Like subways. I'm talking like New York City just to see like mass humanity and just a feeling of how many humans are in the world. And like, yeah, I'm gone. But like there are billions.
One less. You know, one less.
Just like stock footage of people getting on the train. Of people like in a rush. And people with like SARS masks on.
We can just travel all over the world.
Yeah. You've replayed the footage afterwards with like the crowded subway. And now there's one spot for you. Yeah. An elevator. Then no one can get in. Oh, look. I opened this up for you. Oh, no one can merge on this highway. There's all of a sudden. Look at this. Yeah, exactly.
Allie said, you're welcome. You're welcome.
You're dead. You're in a casket. The ceiling suddenly opens. Your casket lowers down while a bunch of circus performers dance around you.
And there's also a laser light show. Your whole family has been dosed with LSD. Yes. Everyone is high as shit. Party funeral is cool.
I just want to introduce gambling. Because to me, Vegas is like, I've been to Vegas a lot, but I've never been to a show. Really? Yeah. I just go there to lose money. Wow. Yeah, I don't think I've ever been to a show either. Yeah, no, me neither. I've only gambled.
Have you ever been to Vegas? We all know Vegas is one Cirque du Soleil type show, right?
With your parents when you're nine. All of us on the same page. Guys, I might have a different view of it, because my dad did have a gambling addiction.
Wow. To me, you're dead.
Las Vegas. The mood has been reincarnated. So for me, Las Vegas is a laser light show. And something like a Cirque du Soleil type show.
Yes. Britney. Oh yeah, I get a Britney Circus style show. Britney grinding on your casket. Hot.
What about if you get eaten by one of Britney's snakes? Oh, the dead body. That'd be cool. You just come down on a hook. Oh my god. A giant snake.
Jake, would you like to begin round two? I'd love to, thank you. My second answer is, CIA interruption.
All of a sudden, door gets kicked in, windbreakers, guys in suits. They go up there and arrest the guy giving the eulogy. Everybody is thinking, what the fuck?
What was Jake into? Was he rich? Was he loaded? Did his wife murder him? Maybe.
Then they start rounding other people up. Questioning, putting the little hand ties on everybody. Lead them all out. Everybody's left being like, what?
What just happened? Wait, what did just happen? I don't know. I'm dead.
Wait, so do you really set them up for a real crime? Or are these paid actors? Paid actors, all rental. And then they find out later. George Soros, the whole rental.
They go into it. They're like, we're taking you into central booking. They bring him down. You're not going to get out for a long time. Kick open another door. Boom. Party.
That's the cheese plate. That's the deli. That's me.
I was going to say, this sounds bad for the other people. Right, everybody getting arrested.
But a party, that's a cherry on top. It's a surprise party.
So it's like, surprise, you're not being arrested. You have been framed for murder. Your father's still dead, but pretty cool. There's Vermont Sharp cheddar here. Ron, would you like to go? So again, this is definitely not my funeral.
I just can't imagine losing it. I'm never going to die. I'm immortal.
So this one is the funeral of my greatest enemy dead in my hands. Whoa. Vanquish. Yes. I don't have a greatest enemy, but it just seems really fun. How would you kill this person? Sherlock Holmes, Moriarty style, wrestle over a waterfall type situation. It has to be a big, dramatic climax that I barely survive, and then maybe I get wheeled into the back of the church as the funeral is going on.
Oh my god. That's cool. Oh my god.
You're at the funeral. Nobody knows that you murdered the greatest enemy.
No. You're smoking a cigarette with sunglasses in the back, flick it, out the door. Out the door.
They don't even know that I'm there. Or they do know, but they're so afraid of me. They don't say anything.
Oh my god. Because I'm dangerous, baby.
Yeah. Very cool. It's extra cool if you, like, really loved your greatest enemy and you didn't want to have to kill him or her, you know? He was like one of those, like, kill or be killed. I liked him the most. Yeah.
And that's like, that's you, like, in the rain with a solitary, no, no umbrella. No umbrella, letting it sit. Yeah. Because everybody else is crying. It's a really big hat with a, with a veil. In the rain, off on your own, just kind of like. Standing behind a tree as the body is being loved.
Another cigarette. Into the ground. Flick it off. It's a bunch of cigarettes. Yeah, I don't smoke, but for this moment, you've got to have two. You've got to have two cigarettes on hand.
Yes. One for the eulogy, one for the shoveling. Yes. Absolutely. Yes.
Identity prank. Very nice. Ooh. I'm intrigued.
At age 40, I faked my own death. I walk out on my wife, my children. Everyone in my life, they think I've died.
Terrible. I'm gone. Long gone.
I'm in Shanghai, living it up. New life. New life, new life.
Then when I die for real, everyone gets to know that I faked my death. I was alive for 40 plus more years. We record their reactions, and they play on a Tosh.0 type show. Because at this point, Tosh.0, he's long dead. He's long dead, and it's a reunion. But he is a robot now. Yeah.
They take all of their ... They're all so sad. They're so angry at me. How could I do this to them?
We see all of that on a clip show. That's fun. With bad sound effects.
Like, what? She was alive? And it's like ... Gotcha, bitch.
That's so sad.
They've lived such awful lives. Do your new family and old family kind of come together and ... Over hatred, mutual hatred for me. That's cool, because your first family hates you for the 40 years that you just abandoned them for. But your other family hates you for the 40 years previous, where you had this other life that you never told them about. A different flavor of hate. Yeah. It's like when you shuffle a deck of cards, and it's all complaints about my personality. You needed to bring a lot of people together through their shared hatred.
And that's beautiful. I think so, too. In its own way, for sure. I have another idea.
Great. Organ reunion. Let me explain. Please. It needs no explanation. Picture this.
Every little bit of me is donated. Every little bit. My hair. My little toes.
You're losing blood in your face. The funeral occurs. Who do you think shows up? Every single person who has a part of me. And so my family can touch my hair, look into my eyes, hear my heart beat.
You gave somebody your heart? Yeah, I gave someone all of my organs. Sorry, I thought this was all just loose organs. Oh. No, I donated everything to someone else. They can touch my hair on a scalp that's been taken off and put on a stool. You're all wrong. These parts have been donated to other people who need them. So here I am saving lives. By giving people your hair. Exactly. And my heart, and my lungs, and my everything.
And they all, what, hold hands? All of these people show up at the funeral.
Like Captain Planet? It's beautiful.
Because you're the most selfless person. I'm the most selfless person.
Everyone shows up. Here my parents are.
Look it, I'm looking at Katie's eyes again. Fantastic. That they outlived you. Katie's hair. I'm not gonna live a long life. Love this.
Are you allowed to donate organs? I don't think so.
I have a horrible autoimmune disease. I'm very sickly.
Yeah, your hair is falling out. Do you wanna touch it? It's like I'm here. I'll donate it to you.
They should all do something. It should be like an open casket and they're all fucking in the casket. I don't want any sort of. Orgy is definitely a solid feeling. Yeah, absolutely. I mean that could happen. They can do whatever they want. But the point is, my parents and everyone that I know, everyone I love, they get to hear me again.
It's so sad that you're assuming that you're gonna die before your parents die. That's very sad. The saddest thing all day. I'm sorry. I made this so sad.
I'm still reeling from thinking that your funeral is like a reassembly of your body. Like everybody had a piece of their jigsaw. It would be crazy. No, no, it's just these have gone into other bodies. I've spent times crying over Facebook videos.
Yes, I know. Like the dad meets the. And they get to listen to the heart in the new person. So it's that time to all of your, even with your little toe. A minute. It's that type of thing. Even with your little toe.
A million people. What if these people don't want to come? One strand at everyone.
Zombie Katie. For a party. Zombie Katie.
Yeah. Alive and fucking in a casket. An organ reunion. That's a great idea. We have officially concluded two rounds of what is the best funeral you can imagine.
To recap, we have puppy reincarnation. We have CIA interruption. We have soap opera. We have greatest enemy. We have identity prank. Put it in perspective. Organ reunion and Las Vegas show. Let's begin our ranking.
Light change. Very cool.
Drama, drama. I love soap opera.
Yes. I also believe that it encompasses my favorite of my two ideas, CIA interruption. Because this could live there. Perfect. I'm going to say no to identity prank. I just think it's sociopathic. All right. I like the idea of Las Vegas show. Yes. But the gambling part sounds sad.
Goodbye. I'm thinking greatest enemy, eliminating it. I'll say goodbye because it's not like the others. I'm still going to do it. We have to eliminate one more.
I'm going to say put it in perspective. The idea of sitting for three hours watching crowd, the funeral would mean that we would have to have another funeral directly afterwards. I would agree. I thought you were going to be a little bit nicer. Three hours is a lot. That's a lot. And then your other idea was a 40-year con.
To recap, we have soap opera, puppy reincarnation, and organ reunion. It's time for us to rank these. Briefcase boy. I guess we'll talk later. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, there was like, ooh. It's steamy in here. Any initial thoughts? Let's go puppy reincarnation three. Do we agree? I think so. Organ reunion two. It's beautiful. Mm-hmm. Soap opera, is it such a trunk card? Because it could also be organ reunion. It could be like, she had a brain transplant and now I'm living and acting and stinking as her. I'm still alive. It's sort of a catch-all.
It really is.
You cheated. I did cheat.
So in third place, we have puppy reincarnation. In second place, we have organ reunion. And in first place, we have Siobhan's soap opera.
Thanks for watching. Join us next week for another episode of The Rank Room. Briefcase boy. exclusive content, such as full episodes of my big girl show, The Rank Room.
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Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done. I want my mommy now. |
TheOnion | How_Many_Children_Does_Philip_Rivers_Have_Left_In_Him | So I'm looking at the Chargers big matchup against the Patriots this weekend, and it got me thinking, just how many children does Phillip Rivers have left in him? At this point, Rivers is 35 years old. I gotta think that means he can deliver one, maybe two more quality kids, maybe. Just maybe he could squeeze out a third one, but it definitely won't be the kind of quality kid we're used to seeing from him. But hey, if he hangs in there for 9 or 10 kids, that is a hell of a career. Most guys are lucky to be able to churn out two or three.
Everybody knows the body just can't handle that wear and tear over the long term. Okay, coming up, at 4 and 2, are the New Orleans Saints for real or just part of a computer generated simulation of reality? Are they legit or am I in a computer? Alright my perspiring friends, we're in the midst of the Fall Classic. And I've gotta say, I think a Dodgers victory in the World Series would really help LA finally heal after the disastrous release of the Dark Tower. It's been a tough year in Los Angeles. The Dark Tower devastated the region with its generic action and poor box office haul. We all remember those truly horrific scenes from that film. But I think the Dodgers winning it all would go a long way towards restoring the city's optimism and pride. After experiencing a brutal, trying ordeal like the Dark Tower, Los Angelinos are looking for signs of hope and a Dodgers championship is just what they need. Okay, coming up, does anybody else find the Arizona Cardinals sexy as hell? |
cracked | why_the_game_of_thrones_creators_and_hbo_shouldn_t_make_confederate_more_the_week_in_epcd | Hello, everyone. Welcome to whatever number episode this is of excessive pop culture discussion. This is the weekly pop culture show where we talk about everything that is in the headlines that have nothing to do with news and the president.
I'm always your host, Daniel O'Brien, with me. We can just, this is my co-host, Maggie.
Oh, congrats. Oh, thanks, guys. Joining us for the first time is Bridget Greenberg. Hey. Excited to be here. Welcome. We have a lot of things we're going to cover.
We're going to talk about Game of Thrones and Ed Sheeran and Harry Potter and a little bit of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the new Confederate show. So let's just get right into the weekend headlines with Ed Sheeran. This is sort of a recurring topic as we've talked about both Game of Thrones and distracting singers in movies and TV shows. And Sunday was the premiere of Game of Thrones. Ed Sheeran played a guy with maybe three lines on screen for like nine minutes in one of the sweetest Game of Thrones scenes I have ever seen on that show.
And the internet hated him so much that he got sad and deleted his Twitter account. He deleted his account.
What other move was he going to make? That's not surprising in any way, shape or form. Do you guys think so?
I am surprised that he deleted it just because he's a celebrity. People are going to hate half of the things that he does no matter what. That's pretty extreme. I feel like his fan base loves him so much that he doesn't expect any sort of vitriol. I think there's a level of pop star fame that you get to where you're like, people are mean on the internet and it surprises you. It's still strange because the internet didn't seem super unified on this. There were a lot of people who were so angry that they drove him insane.
And a whole lot of people who had no opinion on his cameo. I had no opinion on his cameo in the show at all.
I like privately don't like Ed Sheeran. But I see him like he's singing a song and I see his face in the show and it's like, oh this is probably fun for Ed Sheeran fans and the rest of us can just go ahead and not give a shit.
But the internet was not going to stand for that. Well that's probably because you have things to do. And I feel like the faction of the internet that got mad at that was like, well that stood out to me. Let me think too hard about this.
And bully pop star Ed Sheeran. But what did you think when you saw him? Because you hate singers in movies and stuff.
I do. This one did irk me a little bit. Again, it just reminds me of like product placement. Like when I'm watching a movie, I don't want to see that Andrew Garfield drinks a milk chug before Ben dies. I'm talking about a specific movie. That happened. Yeah, this was definitely like Game of Thrones kind of like overreaching, being like we're a popular show, look who we can get. I think it was, it stood out. Yeah.
But then again, I know that Ed Sheeran loves this show. And also they have done this with bands before who love this show and write songs for them. So I think there's just a little bit of crossover. Oh, let's take those bands who like to write music for us and let's get Ed Sheeran. Like I think Scott Ian is in an episode and I know Coldplay, they do the Reigns of Castamere in an episode and no one seemed to mind about that. But Ed Sheeran is in that weird sweet spot right now where he's incredibly popular and I think has reached a tipping point of people who kind of know who he is.
Right. Deciding they've found common ground and hating him for other people. Together, we bend! Yeah, I feel like when other people did that in that show though, they stayed in their lane with it.
Like Coldplay just did the opening song and they didn't know it was Coldplay. They didn't like zoom in on Chris Martin being like, this wedding sure is red.
Yeah, with Ed Sheeran or however you pronounce his name. It's like Ed. What a funny name.
They're like, let's give him a moment to be him because when I was watching the show and hot take for the internet, the show is sometimes boring. I don't feel like anybody's come out and said that but I'll be the brave one. Sometimes it's boring.
For a while. So I dozed off a little bit and woke up around the time. I was like, I heard singing and I was like, that's not the show we were watching. How long have I been asleep for?
And then saw Ed Sheeran and I was like, oh there's a music video. It took me a very long time to realize what this show was doing. Did you do our Game of Thrones recap show this week? I did not.
Okay, good. In the future when you do. Don't fall asleep during the show. Please. Okay, I'll try. It gets very boring. Kind of a soft yes on that one. Yeah.
But yeah, Ed Sheeran is really sad and left Twitter but I think we learned that this is... He'll be back. He'll be back, yeah. This is like the third or fourth time that he's left Twitter over people being mean to him on the internet, which I mean sure.
He'd be used to it. Either stay off Twitter or find the mute button. It's really easy to find. Yeah. Or just block it out. Can't stamp the heat.
I'm sorry, there's no way he was not bullied in high school, right? Shouldn't you answer this?
Well, that's... Is that victim blaming? That's victim blaming. I think that. There's a certain amount of like getting bullied points that a person can inquire and then it's just like, well, you can't complain about this anymore because you're so used to it. That's how it works. That's how I feel about myself.
All right, let's go on. We also... Oh, you wanted to... I wanted to...
Speaking of bullying, all the nerds who give a big hot about Harry Potter are real excited. Yeah. I feel like we're being real aggressive towards a beloved series on this episode. All right. I love Harry Potter. Yeah. Okay. So, oh yeah.
So, a bit of news. There are going to be two more Harry Potter books. Who saw this coming? Everybody, spoiler alert.
So, two books. One is called Harry Potter, The History of Magic. And there's going to be a second smaller companion book called Harry Potter and a journey through the history of magic. So, it's basically the same book. One is a little bit thicker for adults. One's a little bit thinner for kids, but you have to buy both because more money. But, so yeah, we're getting two more Harry Potter books.
The two things that I think about this is one... Oh, I'm trying to slide coming back in. Okay, the first thing I think about this is that...
You got bored thinking about how boring it is. I got bored.
I know.
Well, one of the books don't seem that exciting. What are they about? One is going to be about just Harry Potter-like objects and the history of them and learning about the Sorcerer's Stone and J.P. Rowling's sketches in the books.
Is it a narrative at all? No, not narrative. It's just a textbook about a beloved children's story. Yes, it's a textbook. Sammarillion-esque, if you will. But wasn't Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them also a non-narrative companion textbook type thing?
Yes. That has since been turned into five narrative movies with our most famous people? Right. Okay.
Yeah, and leading to my point, it's never going to stop. I think when we got the last Harry Potter book, everyone was like, oh, there will never be another book. This is a huge moment. It's not.
We've had a million more movies. We're getting many more books. I don't know why we're being coy and dancing around this idea that J.K. Rowling is not going to eventually do another continued adventure of Ron, Harry Hermione, Ginny, Draco, and all the rest.
Cedric. I would rather that. Can't do Cedric.
Oh, boy. Spoilers. Then that other one, the surprising one that got real handsome. Who did it?
Neville. Neville got handsome. He's handsome now.
Yeah, we're going to be getting this to Kingdom Come. Which is fine. If you're J.K. Rowling, R.L. Stine announced, guess what? I'm going to do more Goosebumps books.
F***ing finally. Great. Thank you.
You can do them forever. I'll always take them. J.K. Rowling, you can do more Harry Potter books. No one's going to be mad. Lots of people will be happy and keep buying them.
I don't understand the strange strategy of I'm done with Harry Potter except for these two books that have Harry Potter in the title and then will then be 11 movies and have tie-in things at Harry Potter World. Yeah, I feel like with Goosebumps, like I'm excited for Goosebumps. Let's get into it. Goosebumps is fine because R.L. Stine is going to release stories, not her world building or her notes.
Sometimes when you write, to get into it, you just write everything around the story. I feel like J.K. Rowling is now making us read all her brainstorming ideas. If she was just free associating on paper, and she's like, I can publish this and make some money now. Here's some made-up colors. It's a book. Trying to get into writing, reading my procrastination. Which is fine. I mean, George R.R. Martin does that too, but he does it within the Game of Thrones books. So she just needs to take that extra step and work out a book in real time and your details and your false starts. And then you have another Harry Potter book.
Right. And the other point I wanted to bring up was that in the press release, it said, this will be a great gift for a family member. I was like, aha, that's it. It's just a moneymaker. Yeah. Anytime something is described like that, it's, you're not going to want this because it's like empty calories. Right.
You know your cousin who goes ape shit for Harry Potter? Yeah, I get her two of these. Yeah. She's weird enough just to get her this book. These also, I remember making a mistake in my youth trying to buy a Harry Potter book and buying something similar. Instead, buying like some ancillary.
There were so many. There's so many.
So she already did this. It was an Aragon. I read all of those. It had the Harry Potter book. I didn't like completely swing and miss. I read the road instead. It was rough childhood. Bad mistake. No, she's done this before while Harry Potter, the series was running. And now she's out of ideas and doing it again.
I don't know.
Well, there is in the Harry Potter universe, there is the history of magic, which Hermione refers to every other page. Right. But Hermione is a nerd and everyone's like, oh, that's boring stuff. Okay. And like, everyone in the book is like, oh, you're a nerd. No one's going to read that.
Yeah, except the your cousin on Christmas. Everyone's cousins on Christmas.
Yeah. Did you have another headline for us? Cool Bridget? Yeah, this is a there's not a lot to say about it. I don't think there's not a ton to say about it, but it should be brought into the zeitgeist that Felicity Jones will be playing Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a biopic. Is there a way to do Ruth Bader Ginsburg without doing a caricature because she does wear very funny glasses. She does. And has a Brooklyn Jewish accent, which I don't know how Felicity Jones is gonna pull that one off. Yeah. She's also I wonder about the timing of this because there's there's talk of her retiring and like maniacs on the internet are sending out these petitions that are like, sign this if you want Ruth Bader Ginsburg to die as a judge right now and never retire. Like there's people like that. Okay, yeah. And I understand the motivation behind that, but still like let her live. Right. So I don't know if this movie is like, we all love you so much. Here's here's here's proof.
We want to stick around. We're going to celebrate you. So please stick around.
It also seems ominous that they're making a biopic. It always feels weird when they make a biopic. Is that weird when they do it before they die? I mean, it's not the first time it happens, but it always feels weird when it does.
Johnny Cash, that biopic was like right on the tail. Right. Everyone's kind of, yeah. Ray Charles, I think shortly after that movie, but I'm not positive.
I'm sure the internet will, yeah, for, beat me, beat me up. Make me, make me delete Twitter. No.
All the men I know are calling. It's me and Ed Sheeran, the men that you know.
Those two. Yeah. That's it. Uh, yeah. I mean, Barack Obama has two biopics, but that's true. Oh yeah. Stephen Hawking still, still around. All right.
Uh, but yeah, uh, she just seems like a weird choice for RBG. I don't, she seems like a weird choice. Uh, I also don't, uh, unfortunately know enough about Ruth Bader Ginsburg's life to be like, I'm sure she has a cool story, but I don't know what it is. Me neither. It's not like she saved NASA or anything like that, which isn't interesting enough, but yeah, it's not like. Yeah.
There have been few, other than dread, very few cool judge stories like that. Like it's not, it's not a path that especially a Supreme Court judge, it's not a path that, uh, biographically lends itself to. And then I was in the jungle for years and then I decided, let's settle down and go to law school forever. And I'd be a judge in some smaller court and work my way up. Not a lot of great judge movies, but some great law school movies.
Sure. That is true. Yeah. Um, maybe Legally Blonde. That's, that's all I got. Okay. And you legally blonde. Oh, so there's one good law school movie. There's gotta be others, but, uh, I think they're all blown out of the water by Legally Blonde and maybe this, uh, RBG biopic. Yeah. Holding out hope that that's our next Legally Blonde.
What if, they'll turn it into a musical. I didn't see Legally Blonde, but I almost saw the musical. I assume the biopic is going to be a musical. I mean, I'd watch her dance.
Lots of things rhyme with Ruth Bader Ginsburg. We don't need to get into it right now because we don't have time. So let's just get into the main story. Can't think of one thing that rhymes with Ginsburg. I think, I think I was going for some kind of like Ginsburg truth hater Ginsburg, but like, even that's not like, that's also not what judges are.
It's been on a picket sign. Yeah. And it's, it's a free idea. If anyone wants to troll that 900 year old woman, serve this nation.
Uh, the guys behind the Game of Thrones TV show, Weiss and Benioff have announced their new show. It's not a Game of Thrones show. It's called Confederate and per AV club. It takes place in an alternate timeline where the South won the civil war and successfully seceded resulting in a divided America where slavery remains legal and has evolved into a modern institution. Uh, it's like Game of Thrones. Like Game of Thrones, the show promises a vast array of characters on both sides of the Mason Dixon demilitarized zone. There'll be freedom fighters and the people who are like corporate heads of plantations. I suppose that this show thinks will still exist. There are problems with the show.
Everyone on the internet immediately for obvious reasons. No, we don't need to see this. Like it's, it's right off the bat, a bad idea possibility at one point in American history. And I don't think we're, we're, we're exactly at a place where people need to imagine like, what would it be like if white people still control just about it?
Yeah. Can you imagine? Not necessarily, uh, like an escape that I need to make. Right. Imagine if slavery still exists, which in some forms it does. Right. Yeah. My favorite, uh, tweet, and I can't remember who wrote it, so I'll write it in the comments when we post this, uh, but my favorite tweet was someone replied to it and was like, oh, so you mean the prison system? Right. Yeah. It's a very sad, very true thing. Yeah.
Um, and it's also like a, a lot of people who are smarter at this than I am are spending a lot of time talking about the, the, the social stupidity of doing this particular show right now in this particular time.
I, as like a detached robot, also have the other reasons that this hypothetical doesn't really work out for me is that if, if the South won the civil war, what would that be like? Well, another civil war would happen or we would do enough. Like if the South had won the civil war, we would still eventually not have slaves anymore.
Yeah. Right. Time would still. Yeah. That immediately crossed, I guess my robot mind too, which was like, we're all robots. It's okay. Yeah.
It would end at some point. Like we wouldn't have gotten this far.
Right. We would have figured it out or one of the other countries would emerge as the number one global superpower because there were also a lot of very reasonable socioeconomic reasons to end slavery. Like that, that was more than just about, uh, like we want to believe it was pure intention of a bunch of abolitionists and people who were like, let's free the slaves. This is wrong. They're human beings. And that was certainly a part of it. But another huge part of it was this will be good for the economy if we don't have slavery anymore. Right. And also, uh, part of the reason the South lost is they ran out of money, which also would have happened if they won the Civil War. Yeah. America then would have run out of money. Right.
Uh, so in no universe, but this is the one that, uh, none of that happened. So I'm just going to be taking a bunch of other ridiculous leaps that, yeah, I don't know.
I just can't, it's, it's stupid for social reasons. It's stupid for like, if you wanted to actually engage in that hypothetical, it wouldn't happen.
Uh, and these, the two white guys from Game of Thrones who had like three black characters across six seasons were like, we're really excited to tackle this. Yeah. And known for writing gratuitous rape scenes. Right. And there's a great article, if you guys haven't read it, black person's guide to Game of Thrones is hilarious and just points out all of that.
Uh, I, it is the, I don't think it's a good idea also, but I will say like, I think the same argument could have been made for like Handmaid's Tale and that turned out great. Like, Oh, did we really need to see like more women, you know, poorly. It's a very different take. And I even don't really want to compare the two, but you know, like that did turn out to be great. And also I do think that they picked, um, two great people to work with the showrunner of, uh, the good wife and, uh, empire. So they want to make it a good, and they want to avoid those social things that everyone was immediately like, hello, but can they do it? Another, another question. These don't seem like the people that do it and HBO is going to throw $10 million an episode at it.
So really seems like a big leap for them. It seems like a big leap.
It's also like you, I do like the other showrunners and, uh, I, I, this is more qualifier for, for audience that, uh, nothing has come out about this show yet. We have like a brief synopsis of it. We don't know who's in it. We don't know like what is really going on with it. Uh, but it is, you know, it's our job as people who have a weekly pop culture show. That is a hard job to try to figure it out.
To like wildly speculate on things until, uh, I get too sweaty under the lights and, and abruptly wrap things up. That is, that's a secret of how every show ends is he gives a secret signal that's far too sweaty. Yeah, it's, it's, uh, the sweat seeps into the chair and then the lights start flicking.
He's like, Oh, okay. That's it.
No more time for reader comments this week. It's no longer safe to be on this set.
Yeah. It also seems a weird, uh, just a weird idea for them to want to do right. Because, uh, because man in the high castle, very similar, um, set up very similar plot, but that was a book. Man in the high castle was that, what if Nazis one? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Same thing. Different war.
Like did they, was this the best idea that they had? They sat down and they pooled a bunch of ideas. I mean, they said they were waiting to, they were, have been thinking about this for, for a long time, which they were thinking.
What if the South one? Well, that's what I find most people who are like super fascinated by the civil war is, uh, they've been thinking about one of the South one for quite some time.
Right. Uh, it's, and I'm, I'm very curious because again, handmade sale was great. Um, also based off a book though, right? Also there's precedent for it.
We know how it's going to go immediately off the bat where you're like, what if the South one have to know how this is going to go too? It will go one of two ways. Uh, one of them is eventually we fix this and that's the good way. One of them is like, this is the story of the revolution where we do civil war again, except it's the future now. And we still like, we are, we agree with the right side of history is so we'll just see that play out again within the future and with characters that we come to know and love. Um, or the alternative is the show wants us to think it's not so bad and that's terrible. But those are the two avenues. This show could go down unless, is there a thing, a third option that I'm missing more of a mixed bag?
Mediocrity, right? No side. Okay. Characters not attaching. Right. We just see it's just 12 years a slave, the TV series. Yeah. Which sounds torturous. I think that's the third option, which none of these are shows. Yeah. I can't imagine anybody being interested in. No.
But we're going to have to watch them. Yeah. We're going to watch them and probably do a recap show for correct. So, man, having watched Westworld and then that for two hours of my life every week. Oh man.
Did we know this, is this show coming out next year or is that, do we not even know that at this point? It's just somewhere. It can't be. I mean, I, this is my job here as a producer. And if they just announce it like this, this does not seem like a project they're going to turn around. |
TheOnion | Putin_Not_Ruling_Out_Military_Response_To_Continued_International_Diplomacy | John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell. Personally dictated into the ear of this announcer by the Lord Jesus Christ himself, this is the Onion Week in Review. Russian President Vladimir Putin told reporters in a press conference Wednesday that he was not ruling out a military response to continued international diplomacy, saying that in the face of sanctions and phone calls with foreign dignitaries, he reserved the right to deploy troops and incite violent confrontations throughout Eastern Europe. A defiant Putin told Western leaders that he would not back down from their obvious efforts to salvage international relations.
Americans across the nation made their voices heard this week as they demanded more mind-blowing guitar solos. Calling for the solos to be, quote, face-meltingly cool and go on for well over 10 minutes, Americans stressed that all guitar solos from now on should be equally as kick-ass as those in Van Halen's Hot for Teacher and ACDC's Thunderstruck or even better. It should start out really slow, you know, and then get faster and faster until they're all the way up at the top of the guitar neck and bending the notes like crazy, so it's like, and then there's all this awesome pyrotechnic stuff going off in the background. They should all be like that. A study released by Princeton University Tuesday found that slapping everyone in a grocery store and exposing yourself in the produce section is still a behavior found upon by society. Researchers behind the report noted all of the experiment's numerous trials resulted in similarly negative responses, regardless of whether test subjects rubbed cold cuts on their naked bodies, charged at customers like a rhino while wearing a banana tape to their foreheads, or loudly sang several verses of Yankee Doodle directly at a cashier. And in this week's local news, a report noted that on its surface, Glenbrook, Ohio is a small town like any other, a peaceful, all-American town. And yet, the report's authors added, if you only look closer, what you find may surprise you. In other news, Chinese factory workers fear they may never be replaced with machines. The mischievous Koch brothers trick a beautiful woman into thinking there's only one of them, and a man is just having one of those decades where he doesn't feel like doing anything. This concludes Part 538,000 in a 2 million part series cataloging the course of human existence. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_those_people_in_tv_commercials | Well, the good news is it can all be explained, okay, the blackouts, the hallucinations, the bruises, all of it. There are, however, just one or two more small tests I'd like to run just to confirm my diagnosis.
Okay. So in the meantime, would you mind opening this jar of peanut butter while I consult my notes? It'd be a big help. Yeah, sure, no problem. Let's do that.
I'm so sorry, doctor.
That's just stuck on there forever. There's no way you can get that off.
I'm so sorry. All right. Yep, you got it off. Just as I thought. Tiffany, I'm afraid you're suffering from something we call before syndrome. What? I'm sorry.
You're familiar with infomercials? They always feature a before person, someone who's struggling impossibly with a seemingly mundane or simple task, right? Yeah, yeah, the actors are always like... So those aren't actors.
Before syndrome is a rare but real disease afflicting several adults. Wait, are you saying that I have it? Doctor, I'm so sorry, but you know what, I'm just a little clumsy and I'm like...
Oh, okay, that must be it. That's all it is. You know what, I think I was reading my chart wrong. Probably.
Perhaps it's the poor lighting in here. I know, it's not great. Would you mind putting this light bulb into that desk lamp for me so I can read my notes a little better?
It'd be a huge help. I would love to. That's great.
What just happened? That was before syndrome, Tiffany, at its strongest. The disease attacks the part of your brain that handles simple tasks.
Go ahead. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. It's perfectly alright, Tiffany.
You weren't in control. Your disease crushed that egg and did all that weird stuff. Well, let me just at least clean it up for you. Has this ever happened to you?
Yes! It's happening now!
Tiffany, look at me, Tiffany. Tiffany, no one, no one said anything. Nobody.
Auditory hallucinations are unfortunately part of this disease. Oh my god, Doctor, is there anything? If you do something, help me. It's a highly specialized form of rehab that can help you manage the symptoms, but strictly speaking, there is no cure. No! It's a sucky disease.
In the meantime, I'm going to prescribe you a ShamWow, egg wave, shake weight, titty bear, a Snuggie, song pants, spin mop, slap chop, magic bullet. That actually comes free with the slap chop because we ordered today. Which is not relevant. Also, a facial flex, grip go, cell phone mount, perfect fries, pocket hose, mug of pens, wax fact, tag away, and some... bike it in.
For, um... life's just hard for you. This is like a death sentence. It doesn't have to be, okay?
Hey Deborah! You can send them in now. Ah!
Tiffany, this here is Orville. Orville's been a patient of mine who hasn't shown any symptoms of before for 18 months. Really? I was just like you, Tiffany. Here's of extensive occupational therapy. I've learned to live with my disease. Orville, why don't you tell Tiffany what you do?
All right. I'm an infomercial actor as the after. No! Yes, it's true. Here, I've got my business card right here. Whoa!
Sorry, that was weird. That was weird.
Let me just pick this up. Whoa! Let me help you! Tiffany, you're not here. Please get back! I have a surgery. I'm here, please!
Are you sick of getting locked in a doctor's office because the door handles are so complicated to use? The Republic is safe.
I'm so high. If you're feeling saucy like me, you like our videos.
There's... I thought there'd be more puns. We set this up and I...what? Click subscribe. Think about it. Use your noodle and the possibilities are endless breadsticks and salad.
Yay! We got there. All right, I'm gonna... |
cracked | why_texting_is_becoming_an_awkward_nightmare | Texting! Whether you like it or not, we all do it. Even your old-ass parents finally bit the bullet and know that a text is quicker than a phone call if they actually want to talk to you. But like, texting is hard, man!
Women? Women's?
The anxiety induced from trying to compose the perfectly light yet simultaneously quippy text message has been known to send people into day-long emotional tailspins. Although texting was initially designed to be a convenient and efficient mode of communication, it has actually devolved into yet another way for us to waste time and simultaneously enjoy crippling social anxiety. We spend so much time analyzing every word, worrying how it will be perceived, and this anxiety has actually started to affect other areas of our lives, like our personal communications and even our relationships. So, to remedy that, I am here today to shed some light on the actual do's and do no's of a real champion texter. You might remember this article from the Washington Post about the use of periods in text messages that recently made its way around our Facebook feeds. A research team at Brigham Young University concluded that people who use periods at the end of messages are perceived as being less sincere. To reach this completely unsurprising conclusion, the Mormons showed their test subjects a series of messages both with and without periods, and found that, when the reply was followed by a period, subjects rated the response as less sincere than when no punctuation was used. So basically, science says that we need to stop using periods in our text messages, or run the risk of being mean, and petty, and losing all of our friends, because no one likes us, and they've blocked our mean, petty, mean phones from their nicer, more cordial phones, and we're never going to see them again, and we're going to die alone. And while it feels like that's the wrong attitude to take here, it is undeniable that punctuation functions somewhat differently in text than it does in regular writing. Like, if someone were to text me, okay, period, I would actually take that to mean that nothing's okay, like at all.
Exclamation points are another fun tool you can use to play with tone, especially if you're worried about sounding like a dick. People love to use exclamation points in text. Our anxiety has produced a collective fear of rudeness and a simultaneous tolerance for inappropriately eager reactions. While exclamation points are a great way to ensure that no one ever thinks you're upset or probably even sincere, it's easy to go overboard. I personally have a hard time not using at least one exclamation point per text conversation, but, like if I'm being real honest, I hardly ever exclaim in real life. An exclamation point is supposed to indicate an exclamation, to be literally shouting with excitement. Are we really that excited about our dinner plans? Drive safe! Barking! FYI, that's what it sounds like when you vocalize four plus exclamation points.
But nobody seems to care. It's like when everyone starts using that annoying catchphrase ironically and you think it's a little bit funny, so you join in too and you all have a real good laugh about it. But then one day you wake up and there's no longer anything ironic about it. You actually say bye when bidding people farewell.
Okay, how about this? If we're going to do away with periods and text messages, what if we also agree to cool it with the exclamps? Huh? This isn't a fifth grade essay on John Adams.
This is real life, and in real life, life is messy. People make mistakes, they misspell things. Sometimes, they even misspell things on purpose.
Because it's funny, or because it will diffuse the situation, or maybe because they want you to know that they don't take themselves too seriously. Whatever the reason, I encourage you to also experiment with creative spelling solutions. For example, turning though into THO or abbreviating the word very into the simple V. Both are fun ways to set a playful tone in your text banter, even if you're saying something serious. It will feel kinder and less aggressive if you temper it with just a hint of silly. Once you're comfortable with those, I recommend dipping your toes into some deeper waters. Maybe you f*** around with an R-O-F-L, or even an I-M-H-O. If you're feeling extra bold, you can even start to get crazy with caps.
I don't know, the world's your oyster, BBs. Emojis are another fun slash stressful way for you to play with tone, and also probably confuse whomever you're speaking with. The OG smiley face emoticon created in 1982 by Scott E. Fallman has given birth to an entire cast of characters, complicated characters, rich with silly nuance and the unique capacity to completely obfuscate even the simplest of message. In fact, emojis are frequently used when you just don't know what to say to someone, and you need a minute to figure it out. Dancing lady, little dancer girls, running man, number face. What does this nonsense even mean? I have no idea. And yet, there was a period of my life where I was literally incapable of ending a text conversation without three of something. While I now try not to overuse them, I do think that there are plenty of circumstances where a gracefully placed emoji is not only acceptable, but appropriate. Perhaps a dear friend needs some uplifting, and you send her the two little girls holding hands emoji to show your support.
Or your buddy gets engaged, and you send him a great big thumbs down. But Katie, what if you're trying to figure out what to say to the cute new dude you're dating, and you don't want him to see how often you stop and start typing?
Easy. Airplane mode. Turn on airplane mode. Compose the text. Turn off airplane mode.
Send the text. But Katie, what if someone doesn't respond to your text message right away? Does that mean that they hate you? Maybe. But Katie, what if I don't want to seem mean in an email? Can I add some extra exclamations and maybe a smiley?
No, no, no, no. This is the whole problem. We are losing sight of the fact that we have a whole rich, beautiful language at our disposal. Thousands of them, actually.
If you simply take a moment to articulately express yourself, you won't need to rely on cheap gimmicks. And no, your boss does not hate you just because he didn't put a smiley face at the end of the email asking to see you in his office later this afternoon at five. You're probably fired, though. But Katie, does any of this actually matter? Yes! Especially the part I just said about keeping it out of your working email. Also, your recent study conducted earlier today by me and my gals has concluded that your texting style is becoming yet another factor in how we choose friends and romantic partners. If your textiles don't jive, odds are good that your relationship won't either.
Hopefully this knowledge can help you manage whatever text message related anxiety you may be experiencing. Although, have you ever considered why you're having so much anxiety? What is that about?
Do you really expect someone to get back to you right away? Are you sure you're not projecting because you secretly feel that people don't like you?
I don't know. But honestly, if you're that concerned about what the other person thinks of you, maybe you should just pick up the phone, give them a call. I don't know. I don't know anything about phone calls, so you're gonna have to ask someone else about that.
Share it. Subscribe. Those are the important things that I'm supposed to tell you to do. Also, I'm curious.
I want to know, like, what emojis do you use? Like, how do you, how do you emoj?
It's your sitch. Hit me up, y'all. |
cracked | why_draft_kings_is_secretly_terrifying | What's up dude? So you do a fantasy, you doing Draft Kings? No. Oh dude, you've got to. It's the best. There's no season-long commitment. You just pick your players and then Monday you get your winnings right away. Yeah, I get it. I'm not really into sports much. Oh well, you should just check it out then. I mean, it's great.
Draft Kings is the leader in fantasy sports. I made over three thousand dollars. Cool. Draft Kings is the leader in fantasy sports.
Yeah, you mentioned it. So like, you're gonna try it or? I don't know Steve. Come on man, just give me a maybe. Sure, maybe. Yes.
You really like this fantasy sport. Now obviously the numbers for Q4 are ambitious. I'm ambitious. Anticipating a 13% growth over Q3. But I'm confident we can do it. And you know why? Mobile is up and running. I'm confident because of our partnerships. They're thriving. As well as the surge that we have found in commerce.
I have no idea. I'm sorry. Sorry.
And our brick and mortar sales are up. We can hit that mark and go higher. 15 to 20 percent. So let's take a look at the key initiatives that work for us in Q3. Decide which ones we want to continue, which ones we don't, and get us to year-end sales.
Kevin? Yeah. Are you feeling okay? I don't know. Something's going around. First, Steven, and now you?
Why don't you take the rest of the day off?
Hello?
Kevin's just like a new season every time you play. Play for the largest one-day cash pools in all of fantasy. Draft Kingdom is the leader in fantasy sports. There's no season law commitment.
Are you feeling okay? Hey buddy, you playing hooky? Tim! Hey man. Hey, I want to tell you about this really great opportunity. It's, um, do you know one week fantasy?
No. No, you're gonna like it, man. No, don't do this. No, I swear like you be into it.
You're home early. How was your day?
Uh, good. Yeah, really good.
Hey listen, have you heard of this Draft Kings? Draft Kings? No.
It's, it's the best way to play fantasy sports. You just, you plug in your players and then you get your winnings right away.
Huh. Do you think that might be something you, you would try? Me? No, probably not. But maybe? I guess maybe. Why?
Hey, thanks for watching that sketch. Please, if you enjoyed it, please share it and send it to some other people. I really, I need the clicks for this one.
I owe some, some money to Draft Kings. Made a lot of poor decisions when draft making my teams.
I mean, I don't know if you guys are familiar with the entire Redskins offense. I thought that they would, they would hit again. Um, not the case. Um, also if you could share this with Kirk Cousins, that would be great too. Uh, I could use some help. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_denise_show_heartbroken_brian_saturday_night_live | And now the Denise show with your host, Brian. Hi everybody. welcome to the Denise show!
As you know, Denise is the girl who broke up with me five weeks ago. Wasn't that big a deal? She ripped open my chest and pulled out my heart.
But it's fine. it's fine. everything's okay. So let's move on with the show. Looks like we got a phone call. Hello Brian. I'm okay. Thanks, I am the man. Okay, if you're just tuning in, we're taking calls tonight.
Subject is Denise. Have you seen her? Has she said anything about me? let's take another call. Hello. hey Brian. I saw Denise's friendlies with her parents. The one on Central Avenue.
Oh, yeah, really? did she look happy? Yeah, I guess. So good. Good for her. that's great. Seriously. that's really, really good. I can't tell you how happy I am for her. Okay, good. she deserves to be happy. I'm glad.
I really am. All right. now's the time in the show when I like to give Denise a call and hang up on her. Hello, that was great. Now let's bring out my first guest. He lives down a street from me and has known Denise since kindergarten. Darryl Fitzsimmons. Hey, Darryl, don't you think Denise and I made a good couple? Yeah, definitely. I know what's with her. I don't know, man. Okay. thanks for coming by Darryl. Thanks!
Okay, let's move on to this week's Denise Trivia question. The question is last summer when Denise and I took her niece to Chuck E. Cheese. How long did Denise say we'd be together? The answer is forever. Hmm, I guess in Chuck E. Cheese, forever means eight months.
Okay, now it's about the time on the show where I lose it and my dad calls up and yells at me. here we go. I can't believe she did this to me. it's not fair. What did I do wrong Denise? just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
Hello, Brian. this is your father. What? Okay, that was great. Tonight we have a brand new segment for our show. let's call up the guy I heard Denise has been dating and hang up on him. I'm gonna kill you. That really was fun.
Now every week on the show I like to take out an old note Denise sent me and sigh painfully as I read it. This one was from our three-week anniversary. Okay, now it's the part of the show where I look at Denise's picture and I talked to it.
Why? Why do you push me away when all I want to do is love you? Take me back Denise, please. This is your father, Brian. What are you doing? What the hell is wrong with you? Hello Denise? why can't you get it? it is over.
You and me are over face reality. we're not a couple. Move on with your life. Will you go back out with me? No. Then the show must go on next week. My guests will be a girl who works with Denise at the movie theater and a guy who sold her some pants at Marshalls. See you then. |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_eddie_murphy_on_a_jewish_ghost_and_stevie_wonder_snl | It's good to be back in New York and it was fun working with these kids this week. I had a great time. I really can't believe how hard they work here on the show and it's like it was like watching the process scene and pulled together was a lot of fun for me. A nice experience and a lot of things been happening in my life right now I just caught a comedy album i have movie out go for eight hours and things.
I just moved into a house on Long Island which is very spooky. A Jewish man died in my house and it's a Jewish ghost in my house. It's very nerve-wracking You're walking through the house and you hear boo Get off my lawn you schwatcher.
I'm under the bed now. Maybe I'm not. Who knows. Maybe I could be okay. I could be under the bed.
It's real scary. You know what I was wondering about? movies. I was watching those movies. I'm moving out of my house. I was watching movies like Poultry Guys and Amityville Horror. Why don't the people just get the hell out the house. You can't make a horror movie with black people in it cuz the movie is stop. You see niggas running down the street. The movies like white people, y'all sit on the toilet, see blood in the toilet and y'all go get Ajax Brothers. won't sit on the toilet Movie: be just like this.
Wow baby! This is beautiful. We got chandelier hanging up here, kids outside playing. It's a beautiful neighborhood. I really love this beautiful cat.
Too bad we can't stay after pop. My nose is running and I don't want to look at no people thinking I'm nasty. I have a cold. I was playing ball and if you ever play basketball and you have a cold to make a fast-moving sonat shoot out and shoot that was in bad taste but it was funny.
So what? Here's some more stuff in bad taste. Brothers don't like when you do Stevie, do them again. You're gonna get hurt. Stevie Wonder likes the impression. That's why I do. I met Stevie Wonder in Atlanta. He'd like, don't think that Stevie's sitting home in his living room going wow, I'm blind. That's messed up.
He's a very happy person. You see him smiling all the time. Stevie: Why you so happy?
Say cuz I'm rich. He walked up to me in Atlanta too. He walks up to me. he goes Eddie. If you ever imitate me again, I'll kick you behind. Needless to say, I wasn't afraid I'd kill Stevie Wonder in a fight. |
cracked | when_giving_away_a_lifetime_supply_turns_deadly | Quiet! Damn it! Quiet!
Mr. Cupperman, what is this about? Mr. Kelly, proceed. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, three years ago, Cuppy's Pudding launched the Find the Golden Top free Pudding for Life contest. This is Katie Willard, the 25-year-old winner of our most recent giveaway. Mr. Kelly, you dragged us out of bed for this.
I don't understand, sir. What's the problem here?
Mr. Kelly, how much has she eaten? 4,697 cups. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 14,697 cups. Quiet!
Every second we waste, she is out there eating. Mr. Kelly, what are our options? I'm afraid we're out of options, sir. This is insane. No one can eat enough of the product.
In the financial sector, Wall Street officials are warning investors to begin to sell their shares of Cuppy's Pudding as soon as possible. The company, which just last year was rated the number one place to work in America, has laid off over 70 percent. It all begins the transition of sweet snacks, which has claimed to be America's number one favorite pudding since the turn of the century, has not yet commented on the cause of its sudden drop in sales. Cuppy's Pudding's stock price plunged below $1 a share Friday, reaching its lowest level since the Great Depression. 40 people were arrested today in what can only be described as a pudding riot. Shopgoers were dismayed and soon enriched. CEO Grant Cupperman announced through tears today his plan to close all 30 of the plants by the end of the year. The once mighty Pudding conglomerate closed three more plants today. The company, dotted in Cuppy Connected, has still not released a public statement as to the cause of its sudden and complete collapse. Daniel Kelly, the former CFO of the embattled Cuppy's Pudding, was found dead this morning outside his ocean side home, reading the total number of former Cuppy employees who have killed themselves to 17.
You. You took everything from me. From us all. You hurt so many people. Hello, the pudding.
The public is safe. I'm so high. Roll sounds. Roll cameras. And action.
Hey, I hear that Dan O'Brien's been doing impressions of us, and they're kind of mean and funny, so I'm going to do my own of him. Hey, I'm Dan O'Brien, and I'm a very talented writer for thecracked.com, and I'm a very dear friend to people I work with. Maybe sometimes I hurt their feelings with, you know, subscribe. Dan! Thanks for watching! |
dropout | The_Guy_Who_Doesn_t_Know_Mainstream_Music | If you go into a California Pizza Kitchen and you say that it's your birthday, they have to make you a manager. I don't think that's true. Everyone, discard your bologna and heed my words.
I'm going to the Beyonce concert! Oh my god, are you serious? Yes, she's playing at the Fonda tonight. Oh, hey, cool. I'm gonna be at the Fonda tonight too. Wow. The hive is strong in this office. I didn't know that you liked Beyonce. Where's your seats? Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to see Beyonce's. I'm going to a Jumbo Lake Michigan concert.
They're a German crunkcore band.
Who?
Jumbo Lake Michigan? It's like my favorite band. Raph, you didn't really just spend $300 for the opening act. These are Beyonce tickets. I mean, I didn't even know there was another band playing besides Jumbo Lake Michigan.
But is your friend good? You mean Beyonce? Hello. This is the queen, the queen bee. Oh, you're talking about Queenie McBaggins on synth French horn. Yes. No.
She really kills it. She's got to be at least top five French horn players on Jumbo Lake Michigan.
How many are there? About 14.
Literally, I've never heard of this band until you brought them up now. Jumbo Lake Michigan is a little bit underground, but their sound is indescribable. It's like Lil Jon meets the New York Philharmonic meets Hans Gruber in Die Hard. Yeah. How is this freak show band playing at a Beyonce concert? I think Beyama is playing with Jumbo Lake Michigan because she used to collaborate with our lead vocalist on like a very small project like 20 years ago.
Her name is Kelly Rowland. Of Destiny's Child? Never heard of it. But Jumbo Lake Michigan discovered Kelly Rowland at an open mic in Omaha in 2007. She was in a real dark place. Said she'd give anything to be a lead singer.
No, we don't know. You do know that the kettlebell is not a musical instrument, right? Nothing is a musical instrument if it's not in the hands of a true artist.
I mean, come on. See, that's a Beyonce shirt. I knew it. You're not cool and unique. You like Beyonce just like the rest of us, baby. Got him. No.
This is a Jumbo Lake Michigan t-shirt. But Lemonade is Beyonce's album. Really? Jumbo Lake Michigan's last visual album was inspired by Refreshing Summer Drinks.
It's really deep though. Maybe a little over your head. Oh my gosh.
You're going to Beyonce concert. You're going to see Beyonce.
You're not better than the rest of us because you're obscure music taste. No, no, no, no, no. Oh God. I'm better than you because of my obscure film tastes.
There it is. I'm not saying I own the bicycle thing. God. On VHS.
How do you know they're identical? If they're invisible.
Sign up for your free trial today. Okay. I'm all done. I want my mom now. |
TheOnion | World_Urges_Israelis_Palestinians_To_Focus_Mutual_Hatred_On_Region_s_Baha_i_Peoples | Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317 million state solution. NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer. The whispers are true. The prophecy shall unfold swiftly when a pure-hearted believer incants the following holy syllables. This is the Onion Week in Review. Hoping to quell reignited tensions in Gaza this week, world leaders reportedly urged Israelis and Palestinians to join forces and focus their mutual hatred on the region's Baha'i peoples. International authorities expressed genuine hope that by unleashing their combined stores of armaments and decades-long hostilities upon members of the small and persecuted Baha'i faith, Israelis and Palestinians could achieve lasting peace in the typically war-torn region.
A report released this week by the Brookings Institution found that the U.S. currently has enough chairs and that there is no urgent need to produce any new ones for the time being. Researchers confirmed through overwhelming evidence that there is absolutely no shortage of chairs, citing in their findings the sheer number of armchairs, folding chairs, bar stools, Adirondack chairs, swivel chairs, La-Z-Boys, and rocking chairs already in existence. Our research shows that even in a place where there seems not to be enough chairs, a quick investigation will find one or two chairs just over in the next room. Basically, as far as chairs go, I'd like to reiterate that we have a very good number of them and could just use those.
A new study released this week found that individuals on first dates are able to tell within just 30 seconds whether the other person is former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. I mean, I felt it instantly. As soon as he walked in and I looked into his eyes, it was totally apparent that he was Newt Gingrich. I mean, the date was fine, but after realizing he was the former representative of Georgia's 6th district and 2012 presidential candidate, I kind of just went through the motions to be polite and got out of there the first chance I got. And in this week's local news, shit, the guy in front of you is ordering for an entire construction crew. In other news, a local police department reduces costs by using the same evidence for every investigation. Voters are clamoring to hear if a female political candidate is a mother first, and a whitewater rafting trip in which a friend drowned is still pretty fun. It's a tragic fact that humans only use 10% of their brains, and thus will never be able to truly appreciate the brilliance of this video news summary, the fullest expression of which exists in dimensions that our feeble minds can only grope at understanding. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | star_wars_news_dream_daddy_martin_shkreli_and_more_this_week_in_epcd_the_last_jedi | Hello, everyone. Thanks for joining us.
Welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion. This is our weekly unscripted chat show where we talk about all the things that are happening in the world that have nothing to do with politics or the president, which is great because the world is terrible and I'd like to pretend it's not. This one's going to be a real stretch. It's like a little safe space. We have curtains, blue objects, things that remind us of the past, a flooded globe, video game systems, and back when the world was blue, I guess. I'm your host, Daniel O'Brien.
With me, as always, is Maggie Maes-myth. She's a- I'm a myth. Maggie Maes-myth?
Fish, forgive me. We've met before. Sorry, Bowie. Hi. Yeah. Thanks for joining us. This is off the rails already. I wanted to, before we get into the week and pop culture headlines, apologize.
Last week, I was talking about Animorphs and I incorrectly said they got their powers from Axe, and people have told me it's actually wrong. They got their powers from Axe's brother, Elle Fangour, and I also said that Cassie was allergic to crocodiles when really it was Rachel who was allergic to crocodiles and she's the one who had the crocodile split, and I am so f***ing sorry.
Wow. You're all right for pointing that out. That's all of it. Yeah, you're fired now, right?
If I don't have that, I would be shocked at how many things I say on this show that I'm just making up. I think I would not be shocked. I think I know exactly how many things. I mean, those are all my retractions.
I also wanted to say that Maggie, who got the Maggie Fish-Smith, who got the questions last week, got the username of every single question wrong because we have them on the screen when we're saying it so people can see that it's very wrong. Is it? Yes. What happened? We don't know. We have a Google Doc where we talk about the show and accumulated headlines, and I wrote, I'm going to mention that Maggie got every single name wrong when she read them, and she responded in the doc, haha, okay, what, I, all of them, don't believe.
Okay. All right. Okay.
That's my response. I think that does that pretty clearly. Yeah, I'm starting to see how things are falling through the cracks. The old Maggie brain. Oh, no. I think I did my best.
I think that if the name is just sort of milk toast or like run of the mill, it's not a Mr. Wootle's that you don't pay attention. You just like, they're all interchangeable to you outside of Mr. Wootle's. Can't be Mr. Wootle's.
All right, that's it for Retraction this week. Let's just get into the week and pop culture headlines. Sorry, what do you have for us? Yeah.
So, I don't know if you guys are familiar with a movie that was made called The Island of Dr. Moreau. I have seen this film, yes. So, it's considered one of the worst films ever made. It was supposed to be like this groundbreaking genre-defying sci-fi movie.
Like Valerian? Yeah, exactly. It was supposed to be, like Valerian.
And I have Belle Comer at Marlon Brando. What was her name? I think I have her.
Oh, Farouba Bach. I can never remember. Farouba Bach. Farouba Bach, yes.
Yes. Her shoe was in it.
And it was just a disaster to make. There's a whole documentary about it called Luscles. And the original director and the writer of it who was so excited about this project was Richard Stanley. He got kicked off the project within like a few days of shooting and then lived in the jungle near the set and just watched everything. And then finally was like made up as one of the animal people and snuck back on set one night and was in the movie. That might be a confusing drop in for anyone who doesn't know what the movie is actually supposed to be about.
Yes. Doc Moreau has an island and he's genetically engineering animal person hybrids. Yes, he is. It is also the plot of Spy Kids 3. It is. He's on the medical island.
For like atmosphere, like the taste of it, it's basically just picture Marlon Brando in an ice bucket hat and then the cast of cats like simpering about him. It's Marlon Brando right towards the end of his career when he is in full blown don't give a f*** off the reservation maniac moment. Yeah, so there's a great, I mean the story behind this is so good because yeah, he didn't give a s*** on that.
Val Kilmer tried to ruin the movie. Yeah, he tried to make it. He came on as like a really smaller, much smaller part. Bruce Willis was supposed to be in it in his part. Bruce Willis was going through his divorce with Demi Moore and they were shooting in Australia and so he couldn't travel. He wasn't allowed to like leave the country and so he couldn't make it. And then Val Kilmer took on that role, decided James Woods' role, which was also supposed to be in the movie, was better because he had like 40% fewer shoot days and so just took that role instead. And he was a nightmare, like he was putting cigarettes out on people and stuff like that on set.
Yeah, that's right.
And he, at one point he made, Richard Stanley goes so upset that he climbed a tree and wouldn't come down and no one knew what to do. He was like his first big movie and then, yeah, obviously he got kicked off of it. And like didn't know what to do, it's his first big movie. That's still the wrong reaction. Sorry, I was new, you know, when you're scared you climb trees. When he thought that he was going to get kicked off the movie, he commissioned the help of a warlock named Skip.
Oh yeah, that's right. I'm trying. He asked him what to do. Yeah.
I don't want to make too many judgments, but Skip's not an above board warlock. Yeah, and this is not the top brass of the warlock community.
So anyway, Richard Stanley was not prepared for this and the whole thing was just unmitigated disaster. It was just location stuff, but they're going to remake it now and the person that they want to direct it is Richard Stanley.
Oh, precious. So it's all... He got him to come down. Yeah. It all comes full circle.
He's emerged from the jungle and is ready to direct again. Hasn't had really a project other than documentaries since this. Right. It was just he got blackballed or something after this happened and now the industry is ready to have Richard Stanley try this again.
Why? Yeah, why would I... Why? I don't know. They think maybe that was the instigating factor.
Nobody in the world wants this movie to exist.
Right, even him. No one saw it other than Dr. Moreau and was like, there's a good thing in there. There's some cool stuff. If you watch Lost Souls, you see some of his concept art and like what he was trying to do with the movie and it is kind of cool. He has some really good ideas.
But he's also crazy. Yeah, he's a little crazy. Like they shouldn't let him hit anywhere near a set. Because now that Val Kilmer is sort of approaching peak crazy lunatic years, he can be the Marlon Brando part.
Oh my god. Absolutely he could. Oh, he's... Oh, that would be perfect. Yeah. He's...
Richard Stanley is... You know exactly who he is as soon as you see him.
He's an English man who wears a cowboy hat and a bunch of jade. Like jade rings and belt fuckles and stuff like that. Like wicked necklaces and he...
I don't know. It's like a real identity crisis he's been having for the last 30 years.
I just feel like they're going to put a lot of money into getting this together. Day one's going to happen. Maybe people are going to die on set and they're going to be like, ugh. I mean this movie's cursed and they're going to try it again. People... Somebody saw Lost Souls and was like, I think he might make a really good movie and so they're going to try it again.
Wow. And then maybe he'll make a good Dr. Moreau movie and then as soon as it opens to a great success, his curse will be lifted and he can move on. And he's just like, I can die now and he just goes... Right. Ironically, Dr. Moreau is actually the name of the monster. Oh, okay. Got it. The doctor's name was Island. He made the monster Dr. Moreau.
You know what? Maybe they were going to pick a female-led, female-directed film. They were like...
Or... What about this guy? Or...
Clem's trees are real good.
Have you seen this film? I don't know. Girls Trip didn't do well. Yes it did.
I don't give a s***. I'm going to do my quick thing this week. I usually care very deeply about how to pronounce the names that I bring up on this show. I don't know what that means to me yet. But my lack of respect for this person wins the date.
Martin Scrally, however you do that, have you seen the transcripts for the juror selection process for him? I pulled it up on my tabs and... It's amazing because it's so hard to find people who are impartial because this is such a...
He's not even on trial for the thing that we're all mad at him for. And it's really funny to read the transcripts because the court is always like, I understand you're unhappy that he rose the price of AIDS medication. But that has nothing to do with this trial.
Can you be impartial on other things? I'm like, no I can't.
But it's like people juror number 52, when I walked in here today, I looked at him and in my head, that's a snake. Not knowing who he was. That's my favorite one. There's so many people who are like, I don't like what I did. I think he should have been like, hey I'm new here. I just showed up. I've been under a rock for nine and a half thousand years. Oh what the f*** is that guy? That's the one, right? He's gotta be him.
No, he's worse than a lawyer, I can tell. Juror number one opens with, I'm aware of the defendant and I hate him. I think he's a greedy little man.
Oh, I like you through it a little. What a twist of the knife. Juror number 144, I don't think I can... When asked if he can be impartial, I don't think I can because he kind of looks like a dick. Anatomically. Juror number 59, it might be my favorite.
Your honor, totally he is guilty and in no way can I let him slide out of anything and they're like, all right, that's fine, you're dismissed. And he disrespected the Wu-Tang class. I'm not done, this whole court is out of order. I'll take the stance, put me on trial, I'll do it.
Remember when Ghostface Killah said he was going to break his heart, that was so good. The transcript is, you can find it anywhere on the internet, it's really worth reading.
Future Daniel will be upset with me for finding so much joy and what is a dark moment for a person because I try to not practice that kind of behavior, but future Daniel is not here yet. I don't have perspective yet. I'm just like rolling in the hate and enjoying it.
This is the trial for the Lauren Duca stuff or is this a completely separate thing that he's on trial? I thought this was fraud. This is a fraud trial. Oh, this is a fraud trial, okay.
He also stocks Lauren Duca on Twitter. He keeps trying to have sex with her. While he's in trial and stuff, he's tweeting or trying to, I think he's off Twitter now.
This is like chapter two of this because there were also those sketches from him in the courtroom, so courtroom sketches are a passion of mine because they're so weird. They're so fun to look at and this one, when the sketches start coming out from his trial, even this pre-trial, everybody is clear that the sketch artist hate him. He's drawn like a hobbit. Everybody else looks fairly normal, but he's always looking at the sketch artist and like, oh, I love it.
It seems like a thing that we shouldn't allow. Art is implicitly biased. Everybody in that courtroom hates him. No.
It's really, really good. I would love it to be a fly on the wall and they're like, when he does, he makes some kind of thing. He says a dumb Martin Scrilly thing and the judge is like, uh, Snotterfield, would you read that back? She's like, yeah, sure. My name's Martin and I like going to the store to buy boots or whatever. I couldn't think of a dumb thing that he would say. I wear mugs around the house. Maggie, you gave a lot of pitches this week for what we could talk about, as you always do, and they're all some degree of interesting. There's one I know nothing about. I read your brief description of it. I was like, well, yeah, sure.
We're going to talk about that. So why don't you teach Soren and I something for the first time in our lives?
I'm ready. All right. Okay, guys.
Last, uh, last episode was all about Frasier. This one's all about Dream Daddy.
Have you heard of it? Do you know what it is?
No.
I asked you to teach it to me. Just seconds ago. All right. Okay. Now I remember that you didn't just ask that. Okay.
So Dream Daddy is a wonderful, wonderful dating game, uh, made by the Game Grumps guys and girls. Not familiar with them. Okay. So they, they are, they're kind of like a YouTube game, a game together, but they developed a game called Dream Daddy. It's a game, like honestly goodness, like dating game doesn't make sense to me. It's not a dating app. You're not actually, are you connecting with other people? No. It's so, okay. So there's a whole subset of games like dating games.
Uh, uh, I have recently played one, uh, where your, uh, it's a bunch of lesbians on a cruise ship is the plot of that one. This one is called baby. There's a bomb on the ship. It can't go, it can't slow down to a certain speed. What's that one called?
I don't think I remember. I think it's like a, uh, you guys probably know about it in the comments. They're going to just tell you it's Elphang or the older brothers. It doesn't really matter. Oh, that's probably true.
Uh, so Dream Daddy is, uh, you're a dad. You have a daughter who, uh, you can, she, she was either adopted, uh.
Wait, you moved way too fast off the lesbian boat. What do you do on that boat? What do you do on the boat? Oh, but it's a whole other game. Are you just trying to hook up with other women on the boat?
Well, it's a whole story. So you're undercover as your, uh, as your twin brother because your twin brother doesn't want to go on his senior trip on the cruise with all the other rich kids. So you're in disguise and you, uh, are a lesbian in disguise as a man. So you're dating and like, do you tell them, do you tell them that, you know, you're your brother in disguise?
It's 12th night cruise. What? 12th night cruise.
Exactly. Okay. Exactly.
They're, you know, it can get a little, like say, uh, yeah, yeah. So that's like, uh, a gaming, uh, like a type of game are these dating games that you just like go up and talk to people and you choose your responses and depending on that, it'll take you to like different parts of the game. Uh, so I'm glad, I'm glad that we talked about that.
There's the foundation.
Teen Daddy is a wonderful, wonderful game about you just one first and foremost, you're a father. You have a daughter. Uh, she, you can choose if she's adopted or is your biological daughter, uh, and you move to a new town full of dads who, uh, are single and ready to mingle and move to a new town full of dads.
Yeah. You're, you're in a cold. What are you talking about? It's Maple Lane.
It's a place and all your neighbors are dads. Uh, they're all different types of dads. There's, uh, there's the hot dad.
Some of them like dragons and pigs and stuff. Not dragons and pigs.
When you say all different types of dads, you just mean like all different shapes and sizes of dad. Kind of, yeah. We're going to find out some stuff that'll make me feel bad about my body, I'm assuming, but please, go ahead. Uh, I'm, Soren, you look exactly like one of the dads in the game. Okay, well I want to know which archetype dad I am. Okay, so you are the, uh, Christian dad who is secretly gay.
He is like married and has a wife that you find out later. I have a wife.
I'm just also an asshole. He's a ****.
Yeah. Yeah, perfect. Okay. Uh, so you look exactly like him.
Why are you laughing? I laugh like, I wish, I wish our audience could see our director and sound engineer just losing it right now.
He's like drinking daddy. He's exactly like the Christian one. He's like dying.
I've got to, I've got to change my aesthetic.
Yeah. No, no, no. I think it's perfect. Alright, so, so what, are you dating other dads? Yes.
Okay, so you've moved to this town. You're like, you are still grieving about the death of your partner, but you're ready to go into the world and start dating again. And find the real killer. Oh, okay. Uh, I mean, possibly, maybe you're dating to find the real killer.
That can be your subtext, but, so yeah, so you're in this town and there's all the different dad archetypes. Don't you, I know where my wife is. Tell me the other dad archetypes. Oh, did I, did I, did I, I'm up in the attic, I killed my wife.
Okay, good. I wanted to land on that before. Divorce isn't looked at properly in the eyes of God. I had to kill him. Good Lord.
Uh, so I'll describe a couple of the dads, so, okay, you have the Christian dad, you have the dad who's like cool hipster coffee shop that you meet when you go to get coffee with your daughter. Uh, there's the kind of like a portly dad with red hair, uh, who you meet at the park and you guys play like a fake game about how cool your daughters are.
What the f**k is this game? It goes like a game inside the game that's there. There are games.
About how cool your daughters are? Yeah, yeah, so the, the story of it is that your daughter's having a rough time in the new town, so.
It's her mom's dad, and her mom's dad, and everybody's dad's. Exactly. It's just all dad. There's a lot of dads. It's just like, I don't need more dads. Exactly. So like a large chunk of it is actually you just like relating to your daughter and trying to be a good dad and like making her laugh by like telling dad jokes and like being there for her when she's feeling emotional. It's, it's a lot of, it's a lot of, it's actual like dad work.
So tangibly, how does that work? If she's feeling in the dumps and then do I, I get like a choice of like phrases I can say to her. Yes. And then I'll just pick one and then someone's just like, you always know how to cheer me up, dad. Or she runs to her room. Yeah, yeah, kind of. Yeah, depending on what you say.
It seems like the game should be emotional maintenance on your daughter and not like. Yeah, what's this? It's a dating part where it's like my daughter's really broken up about the death of her mother. You don't really cheer up as this red-haired guy in the park. Yes, that is basically the story of the game. But I mean, there's actually this game in particular does not have a lot of sex. It's a lot of the like stuff of dating of like, oh, was that a date or wasn't a date?
Like, did I say the right thing? Like, is he going to call me back?
So not all the dads are gay. All the dads are gay. But there's not a lot of- That old Momma's on the Papa song. All the dads are gay.
Yes. It's just, it's a fantastic game. It has that, it has like the emotional burden of like raising a daughter while also, you know, just like being yourself and entering the dating world. How does time go in the game?
Like does, do you make progress with your daughter's emotional stability as time goes on? Or is every day a new challenge? You do make progress and she is upset about something particular that you are trying to get to the root of. Like you don't exactly know why she's upset.
You have a meeting with a teacher who's very hot, by the way. That's another guy. He's the teacher.
Is he gay? Yes, very gay. They're all very gay.
Yeah, they stand with their hips like thrusting outwards. All of the characters. Just like- Oh, like none of the gay people I've ever met in my life.
Yeah, oh yeah. Like thrust it outwards. Yeah. Like just dick first over here. Yeah. Yes. On display. Oh, by the way, I have this. Yeah, just in case.
You forgot. They're just hoping that they bump into some dicks, just like put it out there and lead with it. Even when I'm talking to my daughter, do I do that? You don't do that.
All the guys you're looking at. Because it's probably through your lens, so you probably think, you know, they're like much more attractive than they are.
Does the game end? The game ends.
Does it end when your daughter gets fixed or when you get fixed up? I think, hopefully, you can resolve both storylines, but it is a little tricky because, so there are seven dads in total that you can date, and if you start talking to multiple of them, you might not get very far with one in particular. So she's spread to then. You should have read yourself too thin. Exactly. You might, you know, you might not get to that final stage with that special someone.
It would be a real nightmare daddy. There is a nightmare daddy.
Is there? There is.
He works at the Hot Topic. And he's all gothing. He's a vampire. He sounds like this.
Nightmare in that respect. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other nightmare is the Christian guy. Yes.
Is there a sugar daddy? Not a sugar daddy. There's one, there's this very attractive Asian man with like these huge muscles with this tiny little baby that he carries around in like a baby bjorn.
That guy's my favorite. Okay. That's my favorite daddy. Yeah. That's my favorite daddy.
Why don't you just spend the game trying to romance that one daddy. Like what's, why didn't you bother writing a video game?
You got to make it. What was it? You got to make it.
Or, you know, maybe you're curious. You want, there's seven in total. So that's kind of a lot to choose from.
Yeah. I'm like, I'm bringing in some real world stuff obviously that is where it's like, no, why don't you just pick someone you like and then like relentlessly pursue them. Oh no, Daniel. We need to talk. Okay. Oh God. Yeah. That's, that's Dream Daddy.
It's a fantastic game. What is it on? It's on Steam. It's very, it's only $15.
What is Steam? Yeah. Steam is like a... Tell them, Soren. Is this one of the things you make up? Steam isn't... Are you making this up on the spot right now? So I'll give you... Are you squirming? Have you ever heard this on Steam Heat? Yes.
I'll give you the ingredients.
I have PlayStation 4 and I call it a PlayStation 4 and I put the video games on it. Oh. It's Steam the... Back it up. Okay. Computer. Steam.
Get Steam on your computer. Then you can download it. You can play it on your computer. It's not as familiar than I have on my computer.
Yes. Okay. Thanks, Soren. Yeah. You're welcome. Great job, Soren. That was really insightful. Thank you. I'm glad you knew that.
Man, I have like a zillion more questions but I think I just... I know. I'm still... I need to wait. I'm pretty hung up on lesbian boat crews too because I think for the first 90 minutes of you explaining that game to me, you say you have to disguise yourself as your twin brother.
Yes. You are a woman though. Yes. So you're disguising yourself. The twin was a brother, so in my brain both were boys. Oh. No. One is disguising himself because... Right. But imagine me being very confused thinking a boy is disguising himself as a boy to get these lesbian... That would be... Digits. Yeah.
Then you said a bunch of other details about the game that I completely missed because I was really hung up on brothers or twins, twins or boys. Sex. That was the other part of the thing I was talking about. Lots of that thing. You guys really haven't heard of dating? There's so many of them. Do the others. I mean, finish your sentence because you... There's so many games. You guys really haven't heard of dating? No. You left out a very crucial part.
It's like, no, no, no, I've heard of it. I believe you have ever heard of it.
I believe that. You're right. Did you meet your wife in church? Yeah. That's where we met. It was actually a Pray the Gateway camp we met.
So the other dads... Yes. They have kids of varying ages. They do. And some of our boys? Yeah. Yes. The creepy Christian one has two twins that at one point do like The Shining. Play with us. Yeah.
The game's also very funny. There's a lot of like visual jokes and stuff. Like there's a scene where you're talking to the Christian dad and you can see...
Stop pointing me when you say that. No, I will never stop.
You look so much like him. There's a part where it's like, someone wrote Jesus is coming and someone's like erasing it in the background. Visual humor. It's... Yes.
So you said that the Soren dad, Soren Downey is creepy and he has his weird little creepy robot twin daughters. So what if you end up with him? Is there a bad dad to end up with? There is a bad dad. So I haven't played. I do not know the outcomes of all the dads but spoiler alert, it's a bad outcome if you go with Soren.
I think I'm abusive. Yeah. It sounds like there's a lot going on. Stay away from me, man. Yeah. Okay. I'm serious.
Where is your wife by the way? I have a lot of questions as well that we just, we can't do. We have to get into our part. It's fascinating though.
Thank you, Maggie. You're so welcome. Please go out there. Play Dream Daddy.
Yeah. I will. It's so great. I mean, I'll see. I'll go and I'll look at...
Go look at the men. It seems like it's a hassle. Go look at the men.
And then next week, well, I'll ask everyone who their favorite Dream Daddy would be.
Okay.
I need like a little back of the baseball card. Yeah. You'll see the name in staff. I also, I need to play the game because I, like, what happens if I just ignore my daughter? It sounds like I can. Oh, yeah. And then I just focus on... Interesting dating. On fixing me. Yeah.
And it's not even about dating and sexy time. It's just like, I need to, if I want to be a good dad, I have to straighten my life out.
See you first. Yeah. And then we'll see you first. We'll see you first.
Ignore your son. Then do all the other dads.
Alright. That was the Week in Pop Culture Headlines. So, let's get into our main story this week, which Meg, you're also going to talk about. It's Star Wars. We promised you last week we were going to talk about Star Wars.
No, we didn't. And we didn't because...
It was great. It was so fun. The audience demanded Frasier and Animorphs. They did. They responded well.
But we've got a new Star Wars coming out. There's a lot of Star Wars happening in the news. There's a new Star Wars coming out at the last Jedi.
Information is slowly trickling out. They also announced just today, as of the recording of this, that they're working on the stand-alone Obi-Wan Kenobi movie that no one asked for and no one needs. No. But what do we know about Last Jedi, Meg? You want to explain? Man. I will say, well first I will say, I don't think it was a slow leak.
Entertainment Weekly published like seven full-length essays about what the next Star Wars movie about. So, first there are a lot of red flags, I feel like, that they are giving us all this information because it's either one, they just like don't care if we know what the movie is about or two, they are writing all of this so that if people don't like a thing, we can say it now so that they know, so that they can make changes because it was so much information. There's a lot in there. I guess, yeah, the red flag for me is the movie is trying to tell us that Rey's family matters, like her parent matters, and it just doesn't to me, and like there wasn't enough of it in the first movie that made me care about that and now they're sort of forcing that point where a lot of the articles were really digging into her backstory and like she takes the first steps to finding out who her parents are and I'm like, okay, that seems important to you guys.
It is just not to me.
Her parents are maybe a Jedi. There it is. She has magic powers. Right.
And it doesn't even matter at this point because Anakin was born with metachlorians and they didn't have Jedi parents and so it's like, oh, they could just come from somewhere. Yeah, it doesn't matter who the lineage is.
Yeah. Yeah, the other red flag that's like tangential to that is, so Luke, I guess, like one of his first lines is like, it's time for the Jedi to end. It's like, oh, oh, so now we have Luke who is like the Kylo, like, Riley Kylo, Kylo, Riley? Riley Kylo, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I also really care about kingdom names, correct?
It's just like he seems to be very sulky. He doesn't want to do anything with the Jedi, so it's like, oh great, is the story just going to be like Rey convincing an old man to care about something?
Exactly that. It is 1,000%. She's going to go all the way over there and he's like, there shouldn't be Jedi anymore and she's like, all right, check back with me in 45 minutes and then in 45 minutes he's like, I'm changed now. There should be Jedi. Right. And it's you. It's so, it's so like, pull it out. Your parents are Jabba. Yeah.
Is Kylo Ren still the bad guy? Kylo Ren's still the bad guy. Still the bad guy. Supreme Emperor Snoke is still the bad guy too.
Yeah. He's the Emperor version of this where he's pulling Kylo Ren's strings and Kylo is like, humiliated because he got beat by a girl and he's really mad about that. He's a real butt hurt about that. Well, maybe it's just that she wasn't a, or at least as far as he knows, she wasn't a Jedi. Yeah.
Or maybe it was a really big girl. Being of girls, is the, what's the one, Fantasma? Is that one?
Captain Phasma. Phasma.
Yeah. Is she back? She's back and she's someone who looked really awesome in the first movie and then didn't do anything. Didn't do anything.
She's very both of them. She's exactly both of them.
Ryan Johnson, the writer-director, describing her, said, Gwendolyn Christie is one of my favorite people and you get to see her in action, which I think is going to be really fun. That character is just so damn cool looking. Like okay, let's see what we can do with her. Let's put her in action and see what happens. So very much- That's what I'm doing. It's just like, our gang's like, man, that's really cool looking. And also, for a writer-director to be like, oh, you're so cool looking, let's put her in action and see what happens.
You write down what she does. You don't have to decide. You're God in this world.
It's so funny because the other quote that I almost wrote down was him talking about Luke and the way he was talking- Not very cool looking. I made him stay home. I was thinking of staying on an island. Yeah, exactly. He was like, well, he was like, so anyway, so that we know that Luke is over it and a lot of this was finding out why. So it sounds like they stuck Luke on an island and then afterwards had a right to figure out why he would be on an island and not helping the resistance. And that's honestly what he talked about, was working through the process of figuring out why he wouldn't be helping all of his friends who are dying.
I would love to see the actual problem here. This shouldn't be fun for you, the director, this is supposed to be, I'm right here, this should be fun for me because you're supposed to be making a cool story. It's not like you get to go play pretend again the next day and now it's like figure this part out. You don't get to try things out like the movie because I was like, yeah, I thought it'd be cool if Captain Fazmo was playing their version of football, what does that look like? Sequel's didn't really come together. But I had a really good time trying it, it was fun. It's so weird.
I guess, and also the other thing that I thought was so weird was after reading about Rey and how they care so much about her lineage, they were also talking about Snoke and saying like, you're going to learn a lot about what he wants but not a lot about where he came from. So it's like, oh, okay, so is the next movie going to be like us suddenly caring about where he comes from? I wonder if they did this with Empire Strikes Back 2, New Hope came out and then Entertainment Weekly of the past, because it was the past so I guess it would be Entertainment Monthly because of inflation. They would come out with these articles that are just like, Luke is going to go to a planet and train and you're going to find a lot about his parentage, guys in Empire and they're off on their own bullshit, I forget. I wonder what we didn't get because of that, if they like went through the, they got to the return of the Jedi and they were like, so we've got this character Yoda and like, we were curious what he looked like actually fighting and when everyone was like, no we don't care.
They're like, okay, we're not doing that.
He's going to die. He's dead. He's just dead.
If he's alive, I'm going to make that little guy fight. I can't. I'm going to control myself.
We've got to just kill him. He's dead again. Yeah.
These might end up being bad. I think they're going to be pretty bad.
I liked Force Awakens. I thought it was a fun Star Wars movie. Yeah.
I didn't like Rogue One. I thought it was a sad, boring Star Wars movie. I'm not interested. We already talked about Han Solo movie and I'm not interested in what Ron Howard's going to do to it. I don't need to see an Obi-Wan Kenobi movie.
I saw a very old Obi-Wan Kenobi. I saw him probably at the two or three most important things that will ever happen to him in his entire f***ing life. That's true. I saw him meet Anakin. I saw him fight Anakin. I saw him get killed by Anakin.
Right. Him? That is the story. Yes. Right? That's the story.
There's nothing in between. I hope everyone can know you.
I don't want to see him from a distance watching over Luke on Tatooine, just like being an old man that the town thinks is crazy. I also don't want to see him as a padawan because he'd be like the exemplary perfect padawan.
Right. And who gives a f*** with that?
We saw him training under Qui-Gon. He's made quite a good Jedi. Yeah. Qui-Gon. Good Jedi.
That's something in those words. So when you mostly hate Star Wars, do you have anything to add to this? Yeah. I'm pretty excited that this is all bull****. I do actually have a question.
Just Chewbacca now dark and brooding? He works at Hot Topic and he looks like a vampire. He's dark and brooding. He definitely has more of an attitude, I would say.
Because he lost his buddy, right? In the last one. He lost his best friend. Oh, he has going to be sad.
And there's like a picture that came in on the internet where he's in the Millennium Falcon with some weird little rabbit monster called a porg. A porg. I think is what it is. You didn't think those were cute. A little alien pony.
It's a cute little bird thing. Bird things?
Yeah, I think so. I'm thinking bunny. I'm thinking guinea pig. Okay. I think it's a little birdy and we all go. Is it bipedal though? That's why I thought it was a bird. I think it walked around with two legs. Anyway. It's got a bunny ear. It seems like Chewie quickly replaced Han Solo with something that looks functionally useless in any situation. Yeah, with slightly more spunk. That's it.
I can't even put a bandolier on that thing. I released in a moment of pure fury once in a meeting that I hated Star Wars. Also went off on coffee too because I just felt like now I didn't understand anyone in the world and I can release them. And so I just talked about how much I hated both those things. But yeah, Star Wars is something that I caught when I was young, right in the right era when I should have caught it, and still was like, it's not for me.
Yeah, well maybe it's for the other children who didn't get everything that they wanted in life. That could be. I do know that they call it The Last Hope and I honestly have never hoped for anything in my life. A new hope. I don't know quite how that would go. New hope. A new hope? Yeah. It's such a sadder, darker. The Last Hope.
Like it's only, alright, yeah. Yeah.
I really did like, I liked Rogue One and I thought Force Awakens was so so. The story bored me because it wasn't the same. I think a lot of people agree with you, Cody Johnston, who sat here once, hated it and asked to never be asked to do this again. He hated it. He hated this, yeah. Force Awakens? No, he hated. He liked it more afterwards. He thought it was like a little bit fun. But he didn't like Force Awakens and he did like Rogue One.
Yeah. Interesting. What else have we learned about the new one?
Oh, Benicio del Toro's in it and it's, there was an interview when he first announced that he was in the movie where he was like, I'm playing a villain. I can't say much, but I'm playing a villain. And then months later they asked him about his character. He's still playing a villain. He's like, yeah, I don't know why people are saying that. It seems like they read a much different script than I did. I'm definitely not a villain. And other people who have been interviewed are like, yeah, he's like an opportunistic, money-grabbing guy.
He's not on either side. Oh, wait a minute. But he is just trying to like, he's just in the rebellion for the money right now.
That sounds familiar. And you really shouldn't trust him. That's also like, this tells me that everyone signed on to this movie before there was a script. Like, this movie has changed multiple times in the last couple of years because no one's even on the same page of what the movie's about. Right. That also sounds like they just replaced Han Solo. It's very Han Solo. With a different person.
He's not a smuggler. He's a slicer, which in the Star Wars universe is Hacker. They didn't even try to make it different. Smuggler, slicer. Slicer. Yeah, where are all the hackers?
That's something that like, George Lucas was not interested in really exploring in the movies. Great question. But they like, extended Star Wars lore gets really into the technology side of things. I'm sure. I think because that's something like, George Lucas, for all his great imagination, he's a guy who could be like, there are force ghosts and you can move things with your mind and you need training and it's all this mystical stuff and here's where it comes from and there's dark side and there's light side. He's the same guy who's like, hey George, how do you pilot a William Falcon? Push the buttons and drag your hands around. I don't mind. He's not, doesn't have the brain for how does this technology work because a lightsaber is not designed by someone who has to think too hard about how it works because it doesn't and it shouldn't. Laser swords.
Yeah. There is some hacking in Rogue One because they've got the robot on their team. That's true. The droid. Yeah, please watch our language. Wow, they're doing hacking now. They've got Benicio Datoru who's like a badass aloof slicer. That's going to bring up so many questions about plot points in other films. It sounds so much more elegant than hacker. It does.
Hacker feels so like wrapped roughshod and slicer is like, oh no, we know what we're doing. Slicer, he is a surgeon. He's going in there with precision and it does change a lot of things because in the past, the slicer was just, R2, can you stick your **** in that thing and make the doors open?
We believe, we believe. What the ****? Aw, he'd make a great dream. It took him a long time. Don't you need to know he wouldn't. Why would R2D do it? **** probably a very attractive dream daddy.
Nobody does art, somebody do it. Nobody do that. Nobody do art of R2 as like some hot dad.
Please don't do that. I don't want it.
I want to win it 24 times if somebody makes R2 into the dream dad. Is there like a C3PO analog of the dream daddies? Is there like a dream daddy who's really effeminate and wears gold all the time?
I don't think so. Alright, well maybe we do one of those too. While you're drawing up that stupid R2D to let you draw up a C3PO. Aw, man. Let's get into some questions. Would you like me to read the names? No, I've got this one. I actually wanted to start with one that I came up with that's top of mind for me today.
I don't have a good way of phrasing it but it boils down to a property that you are not intimately familiar with, movie or TV show. You've never seen it before but you think you get it until someone drastically challenges that with like one fact.
We were in a meeting today, Soren and I and some others and we were talking about the town of Prim in Nevada. Which is this weird little town just outside of Vegas. If you're driving to Vegas from California, if you're driving to Vegas from anywhere you pass through this town. And it's such a weird desperate little town. It's like, I know you've come all this way and Vegas is like 20 minutes that way but have you considered Prim? We also have gambling at a bar. Every time I go, the first time I drove I thought that was Vegas.
And I was like, uh-uh. It has that huge mill or steamboat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whiskey Pete's and I just drive through laughing every time like, you're not going to, anyone who's making this trip to Vegas is making the trip to Vegas. It's not, Swingers wasn't about, Prim baby! And so we were talking about Prim and another guy in this meeting was like, why do I know Prim? Oh, I know.
It's because they set an entire season of Ray Donovan in Prim. They robbed the Whiskey Pete's. And then I was like, oh, what the f*** did I think Ray Donovan was about? There's Robin and Ray Donovan and it's in Prim?
Oh boy. This is not the, like, if I had to go on a game show. Because in this business we sort of pride ourselves on being able to do a CliffsNotes version of things we haven't seen. Like, we've been covering, we've been editing articles at this website for 10 years and there's going to be stuff, we're definitely writing jokes about things that we haven't seen so you get like a passing familiarity with almost everything. And Ray Donovan was one that was like, yeah, if I got called upon Jeopardy or some other show that would have me and they needed me to talk about Ray Donovan, I could do it. I could fill in those blanks. I cannot, it turned out. I felt the same way about, and I'm giving you guys lots of, I'm front portioned this so you have time to think about it.
I, the show Franklin and Bash, I low key became obsessed with for a couple of years. I never, I had never seen an episode. I had decided what it was and I would live tweet episodes of it. When they weren't airing, over the course of like three days, I would pull out quotes. And it was all like very silly and fantastic. But it was still, in my head, I would go to sleep thinking, Franklin and Bash is about two friends who are lawyers and their names are Franklin and Bash.
And they do like, legal stuff. Wait, is this not that? That's, I think they're still lawyers.
But I caught one episode once because it was on and I just thought, what, what? Let me get like one other detail of this show so my tweets can have some kind of context to them. And I was so shocked by the episode and then I looked it up on IMDB today and I got this right.
Peter and Jared, first of all, only call them Franklin and Bash. Peter and Jared try to recover an archaeologist's valuable and cursed Egyptian artifact.
What?! New partner Ellen Swatello fights a daycare center that's seeking to shut down her client's marijuana dispensary. Huh? Franklin and Bash is not the show that I thought it was. No, not at all. What?
Wait, they went and found a... They had to track down a cursed artifact.
Franklin and Bash are paleontologists? Yeah. That can't be right. I think they're lawyers who, now that they have new partner Ellen Swatello, so it's Franklin, Bash, and Swat, the show's f***ing perfect.
Now that she's doing the legal stuff of fighting a daycare center that wants to tear down a marijuana dispensary, now that she's doing all that, they can do their low-key Indiana Jones adventures on the side. The bad guys are the daycare?
What? Yes. Okay, great. I...
Yeah, I didn't know anything about that show either. I know. And I had to just really think, like, did I accept this show somehow? That's the thing. Did I do a bunch of wacky stories on the internet in the show? I was like, that seems pretty good, whatever. This is what happens. Occasionally you have a dream about watching a movie or a show, and all of a sudden it will change in your dream. You're like, I didn't realize all this stuff happened. And you'll just sort of accept it. And when it happens in the real world, I have to check in to see if, like, I bet I'm dreaming. Is this how I found out I have powers?
So, for me, Bones is that show. Bones is a show that I knew nothing about. And I had a roommate, and he and I always joked that on Bones, it was just, we couldn't figure out who was Bones or if all of them were Bones. And, like, they all just called each other Bones the whole time.
And I thought it was, at first I thought it was just about, like, a cold case, these cold case people who, like, would go and, like, check on decomposing bodies and be like, ah, here's something that everybody else missed. Look at this bullhole in school. And, like, they'd solve crimes that way. But then, like, they started showing up.
They carry guns. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Booth carries a shotgun. And they're dating. It's kind of a love story, too. Yeah.
Why do they need guns? Like, why are they solving the crime?
I think Booth is law enforcement. Booth is law enforcement. I don't know. Booth is a boy or girl.
It's boy. Yeah. But even though you're right, Bones is a boy's name. Bones in this show is a girl. Yeah. Okay. So additional sister.
Why would you name your kid Bones? Because you want to, like, dictate the path that they're going to be going on. I will. And so she's, like, cold and emotionalist. And she's Bones. And she, every episode starts with some jogger finding a bunch of Bones in the park. And then they have to go solve it. Hey, Bones!
They bring it to their institute. And, like, everyone in there is kind of different. That was a school. Like a college. Like some place where... Some, like, forensic place.
But they also interview suspects. There's the law and order part to it, too.
And sometimes he has to shoot people with a shotgun. But he has a shotgun.
He's also raising a kid. He's a really good dad. And they're dating. He's a dad? Yeah. He's a dream daddy. And now they're dating.
Is his wife dead? Or is she... Is she Bones now? I think she's dead, no. This is why a wife.
You should... Oh, I love that I get to give this to you.
One of the characters who works in the lab is a serial killer. We find out. We're tracking a serial killer the entire season.
Is it an old man? No. Or is that CSI? It's like a young sweet boy. Okay, hold on. I may be complaining about this at this point now.
On Bones, is there also a woman in the lab who has like... She's sort of goth and has really dark...
No, no, no. That's N-T-I-S. Okay, all right. Cool. I'm gonna write all this down.
He's got a splash guard for the different crime shows. Do you have one of those shows? I guess it's a movie. I think I talked about this briefly in a past episode. But Beetlejuice, I think I just assumed that it was about like a really like fun, cool, devil character... You saw the cartoon maybe. Yeah, I think that like incepted my brain and I used to have nightmares about Beetlejuice before even like watching anything about it. And so I thought it was like a funny, fun, I thought he was like a good guy. It's like an impish prankster who's upsetting like the corporate dads and moms of the world, yeah.
Right, right. No, that's not at all the story at all. I didn't know that... He is the antagonist throughout the whole thing. Yeah, he's... Yes.
When you came here a couple weeks ago to talk, whatever we ended up talking about that week, I didn't realize that you hadn't seen Beetlejuice before. I thought you'd found a scoop because you came in and you were like, I watched Beetlejuice last night?
He is not a good guy. Were you supposed to talk to him? I mean, definitely don't watch Scarface. He's pretty bad too. Yeah, no, I had no idea. I watched it and he's the worst. He's also the worst part of that movie.
It's a fantastic...
Disagree. I don't know. Disagree.
What would it be without him? Just them scaring Catherine Harrah? Yeah, it's great. Without him, it's just this amazing dead couple watching their home get destroyed.
Yeah, and they have to figure out a way. They befriend the daughter to figure out a way to all become friends. Why is he even in this movie also? They both claim they're the contemplating suicide daughter who hates her life so much that she wants to be a ghost. Yes, and they both become friends and see each other. It's basically why you don't write her from Heathers. Yes. She's showing up in that movie.
Great, I don't actually, with the plot, now that I say it out loud, I don't understand why Beetlejuice is in this movie or why it's named Beetlejuice. I don't know what to do. Yeah, I mean, do you want me to explain it to you?
They contract his help because he's such a loose cannon and because he specializes in hauntings to get people out of their house. He says, but he lies throughout the whole movie. Why would you trust that guy? He does a pretty good job of that. Everything that he promises to do. He was getting them out of the house. He shoots Robert Boulay through the ceiling. That's true. He makes Othell feel pretty bad indeed. Maybe takes his pants off or something. I don't get it. I will say, I think Michael Keaton does a great job. Very committed.
It's one of the best performances of all time. It's great. I don't understand why. It is, it is. That's fun.
I think those are my blind spots that were corrected that I can think of. Every once in a while, I throw details of Dr. Strange live at you to challenge what you think of that movie. That movie, it might as well be 12 hours long. Everything I learned about the movie, I'm like, that's completely different.
There's no way. Cody and I both just found out that One Tree Hill is about basketball. That's one that I wasn't going through my life thinking, that show's not about basketball. I didn't really think too hard on it, but I thought a teen drama thing.
Yeah, exactly. Where it's like attractive 28-year-olds. It's about the One Tree Ravens and their final couple years together as a team.
Will they make it? Will they not make it? Will Jeff Michael Murray find love in his life? Did they make it?
A lot of people die. I actually don't remember. What? That's not the best one. When you say make it, you mean like actually survive until the end of the season? Yeah, a lot of people do die in this movie. It sounds like just one long extended version of the second season of Friday Night Lights, and I hate it.
Yeah, that's actually pretty good. There's an oral history, we talked about this last week about the dog that eats the heart, and the writers mentioned that there was a possible plot thing in like, by like episode two or three of the show where they thought, how about there's a bomb in the middle of the town and no one can get to it, and there's a hole in the center of the bomb that has the off switch, and the episode is about which one of these dueling basketball boys is gonna be the one who takes the shot before the bomb. They never made that episode, but the fact that they were thinking about going to their show by episode two, it's like, man, that's a fun writer's room.
Yeah. Pretty much anything flew from what I remember of that show. Oh, boy. Yeah.
All right, let's get into questions from actual readers. Daniel Brooks, who is at Dr. D. H. Brooks. What are your predictions for Gremlins 3? You wanted to talk about this, so I brought it up for you. Yeah, so I think what they're gonna do is deal...
So Gizmo is a real liability at this point. The only reason that we've ever had the first two Gremlins is because of Gizmo.
Right. And the director has... I mean, not the director. The writer has hinted a little bit at how dark his script is, and I think it is...
The whole script might be about like, we gotta get rid of Gizmo. How are we gonna kill this little thing? Yeah. This is so cute. Uh-huh. And trying to... I'm sure there's some other Gremlins outbreak during it, but dealing with those Gremlins, you're also at the same time trying to decide if you just need to kill Gizmo and the species. And do we have the right to just wipe out his pieces? Right. Can't we play God? We are killing mosquitoes currently.
Yeah. We're engineering mosquitoes that don't accept... To be fair, they're killing us way, way harder. Also, that's true. That's true. Yeah. Some more of a punch back. That would be a really dark... Just like two hours of meditative movie of people in a room. Yeah. This animal is a weapon, and we can't let it be in the wrong hands. For all we know, it's immortal. Right. You might... You might die, and then Gizmo is just out, just has a different master who's not as thoughtful and protective as you are. Yeah. I mean, that's... If we don't...
I'm the government. I want to... I want to weaponize this and just like use it.
Right. This is... This is free. This is a free weapon against our enemies.
I just make a bunch of Gremlins in... I don't know.
Where do we... Where's a place that we all hate right now?
There's a little trigger on that one. A fictional place. A fictional place shows up.
Let's go to Moscow. Okay. Moscow. Let's go to Moscow.
There... If you don't include the expanded universe of the Gremlins franchise... But you must. ...which there is one, then this is the life cycle of Gizmo, that one of these little things turns into these Gremlins.
That's like basically their puberty. Yeah. And so that's... All your words saying is like, this thing... We don't get along at all. So we're gonna like... We're just gonna wipe it out. Right.
Because he's supposed to be the larger green monster. That's what he's supposed to turn into. He's supposed to.
We're suspending him in adolescence the way that Pikachu refused to evolve in that one season of Pokemon. Are you f***ing satisfied, nerds? Such great episode. Pikachu's goodbye cry every time I see it.
That could be a fun Gremlins 3. Which of these do I want to do?
Little Mac. Little M600, 77743. H3.
I can't read my writing. This is gonna come back and bite me.
This is how it happens.
What was your go-to movie or song as a kid after a rough day at school? Now, Sorin, just for context, some people have rough days. When they're younger, when they're in high school or middle school. Yes. Like where they're just like a little rough in the...
No.
Someone is mean to them. When you're a very hairy girl. They don't get a good grade or they're like an alarmingly hairy girl. Me. You're upset because your teacher insists on calling you sir even though you're a 9 year old girl.
It's just like a full-night condition. And then you go home and you pop something in to cheer up. And your parents have to talk to you about how hairy you are. You're basically like Elsa in Frozen.
They're like, listen, you've just got to like hide it. Don't talk about it.
Stay in the room. You're different and it's okay. Stay in this room. But just wear these stockings. You're different, it's okay, but we can't have you playing with your sister.
You're just so f***ing hairy. That was true. So then you go to bed for her. You guys are laughing.
There's a photo of my swimming class in third grade and my arms are at my size. Because I had a lot of arm hair. No one else had a speck of hair on them.
It's so cruel of your parents to let you chase that swimming dream. They know what life is like. I love swimming. I can just see you descending into the pool and all the hair just sort of rising around you in like a halo.
Okay, yeah, so when that happened, you went home and you put on a new song or a movie to cheer you up. I was a big dashboard confessional fan. Just great, brooding lyrics.
I've seen Chris Karama in concert like seven times. One time he wished me a happy birthday when I was 16. One of the bright spots of my young childhood. Very few of those to go around.
Except it kept you going. I think this is a, what's yours? It's like a really mopey teen thing to do, but I was rock hard for Nightmare Before Christmas. That was a movie that I would just get into that world any time, rough day. I wanna either listen to the soundtrack on Audio Cassette or watch on VHS Nightmare Before Christmas. That was just a go-to movie for me because I love Christmas, I love music. I think a lot of people around my age found a lot of identity with Jack Skellington. That was certainly, I mean, with almost any protagonist at the time where it's like you're kind of special and different and the things you like are weird and you don't feel at home anywhere and then you realize home is where you left it or whatever. I don't know if it was a movie. So it was just like a thing that I really connected with and just like the music would cheer me up and things worked out for old Jack.
Dan, you're gonna find love too. Someone's gonna knit up a woman for you.
Mine was, I don't even know if this was a register because it was so specific a niche, but I was a fan of a group called The Bouncing Souls when I was a young girl and there was a song called Kid when I was probably like 11 or 12. If things weren't going well, there was a girl that I liked or something like that and I just didn't know what to do or how to be around her. You didn't know how to get that dream daddy. Yeah, or things weren't going well and classes like teachers felt like they were turning on me and they're like, I don't know, this is a good kid. They were fighting me out. Then I would go home and listen to the song and it's an old punk song and there's a lot of like that angst to it that feels really good when you're that age and then the lyrics are all really kind. They're like, you're a good kid, you still got the fire in you, you're hanging around, you don't know what to do and it's just wonderful and it always made me feel like, oh yeah, I'm just a kid, there's so much more.
I've got so much further to go. That's so sweet to hear and that's so very aware of you at the time to even be like, I need to be told that I'm good. I need to be reminded that I'm good. I don't feel good right now and I need to be told that, yeah. I mean, I do that now. That's the lesson that has taken me 31 years. I bike to work and I listen to podcasts while I'm doing it and then as we get closer to the office, I put on I Love Myself by Kendrick Lamar every single day and just the repeated chorus of I Love Myself was like a thing that gets me ready to go to work in a political environment that can be very trilling and difficult, just sort as a child. Now you have self-confidence, I'm sure, so you don't need some adults to tell you that you're okay.
It was really nice at the time. It was very, very calming and it felt like you were still in the narrative of your own life. This is the part of your narrative where you're like, things aren't working out but it's okay because everything's going to be fine in the future and it was really wonderful and it was nice to listen to. Everyone listened to that Bouncing Soul song.
Kid. Kid, great.
Anxious Hurtsog says, what was your most traumatic movie TV watching experience as a kid? Warner Hurtsog wants to know that? Anxious Hurtsog. Warner's brother Anxious.
Okay. Oh, gotcha.
Man, I used to have a list of movies that would make me cry so I couldn't watch them. Cry like scary, heartbreaking. Sami weeping, like Bicentennial Man. Oh, f*** off. Heartbreaking. Did you say what movie made you cry as a kid? No, it was the most traumatic movie TV watch case. Yeah, I had a list of traumatic movies I couldn't watch.
That, oh man, there are so many of them. Bicentennial Man. Yeah, the one where they shoot the dog. What is that? Did they do that in Bicentennial Man? No.
Old Yeller? Old Yeller.
Or where the red friend grows. Ooh, there's two of them. I think there's one more. Where a dog dies.
Kuja. It's a good thing. That was good.
Yeah, I had a lot. I think I had more books that affected me emotionally than like a movie or TV.
Dramatic scared me. Jack Nicholson and James Spader in Wolf. That really scared me. It's not a very scary movie but at the end when James Spader is his version of turning into Wolfman, he just naturally has very crazy eyes and now he's like super strong and fast and like really terrified me. That was a movie that I couldn't sleep for days thinking about it because every time I closed my eyes I saw Wolfman.
But like traumatic, like heartbreaking, weepy stuff. It was Where the Red Friend Grows where two dogs die.
Kuja where the dog dies but also you're in the car this entire book because they're trapped in a car and Kuja is outside the car and it's a mother and her son who is prone to seizures already and there's like greenhouse effect. They're in the car in the hot sun and she finally gets out and kills the rabid dog and the boy dies anyway. The boy just like dies in the car while she's in this traumatic fight.
I didn't know that. Yeah, and Bridge to Terabethia, another one where a child dies. I read those three books I think in the same summer and like Kuja I was not the age where you should read Kuja because it's really scary and they talk about blowjob in it and a kid dies.
That's funny. Well not that second part. There's only two characters in that and they're in a car and it's a mom and a son and they talk about blowjobs. And blowjobs? No, well she thinks back to the time that she cheated on her husband. Oh, okay.
And they, I like went to my parents room in the middle of the night when I finished reading it at four o'clock in the morning and I was like, why would you let me read this book where Tim dies and my mom was just like, do you want us to read it? We're supposed to be adults.
Yeah, for me the really sad one was the day no pigs would die was a really tough... But no pigs would die? Yeah, the day no pigs would die.
Do you guys, you didn't have to read this? No. Oh, I thought this was seminal reading for all kids.
Maybe it's just an agrarian culture. We read Animal Farm. We longed for the day when pigs would die. Yeah. Day no pigs would die. It's about a kid who has a pet pig. He's living on a farm. At a certain point, like it's such a bad winter that they have to slaughter this pig and the pig really trusts him.
Like he walks out with this thing. This is Charlotte's web.
And then his dad also dies. His dad also dies.
It's a very, very sad book. And we used to do this thing my mom and I were like, we would each read a page so that I would get used to reading when I was young. And we get to this part and I'm trying really hard not to cry so I keep pretending like I'm losing my place. I'm like, I have to find it again. So that my voice wouldn't crack when I was reading it.
That was a brutal one for me. As far as terror, it was Nightmare on Elm Street. I went to a friend's house and it was like these bad kids that lived up the road from us.
It was last night, they were the true loves. Same old true loves.
But bad kids. And they were watching it. And I was way too young for it.
And there was a scene where this boy is in the next room next to his parents and they had only a door between them. And he's in the middle of a dream, obviously. But he is up against the door and he's shouting for his parents and knocking on their door. And they're just sort of like, what's going on over there?
And they can't help him. Like they don't notice it yet. And it's too late.
And then they see like the claws come through the door as I remember it. The claws come through the door and kill him.
And like being that close to your parents and not having them be able to help you was terrifying. That's such a specific child's fear of like parents not being able to help you or see your problems.
Like that, my real world experienced that. I was staying with my mom and my aunt in Texas somewhere. And I had just gotten outside to like take out the trash. And it was one of those neighborhoods where every single house looked exactly the same. So I go and I drop the trash off.
And then I didn't know where I was supposed to go. And I kept like going up to houses and trying to see like, is this the one? Is this the one? And then I just went to the middle of the street.
I hope someone will see me crying here in the street. Like really freaked out. And why hasn't anyone come out? Because I feel like I've been dropping off trash for fucking days. And my aunt finally comes out and grabs me.
And what she said was, were you lost? And what I heard was, are you lost? And like a very detached, this isn't my aunt kind of way where it's like, are you lost little boy? You're in a different world.
Really drove me crazy. That flight of the navigator is scary.
You go back to your house. What you thought was your house.
And now everyone's older. And they're just wrong. They're different. Oh, it's terrifying.
When I was little, I have the memory of I was on vacation and I couldn't swim yet. But I reached down in the pool to grab a pool noodle. And I fell. And I have the memory of looking up at my mom.
And I can't swim. So I can't say anything. So I'm just like, OK, this is how I die.
But then my mom puts her newspaper down and grabs me. Oh, wow. Yeah. Ooh, got dark.
We've talked a while. We have one more question you guys wanted, or if we just call it. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. This is a good question that I don't have an answer for. OK.
If you could see one movie protagonist in a different movie setting, what would you like to see?
Oh. Oh, boy. Right? Dang it.
I think I'd want, like, I'm trying to think of someone like a Han Solo type in a demolition man type world. Like someone with flexible morals in a fairly upstanding place where a guy with no moral compromise, with no real moral code, could really squeeze a few pennies together. And make more pennies. Just someone who could show up in a world where they have lots of rules and everyone lives peacefully.
And it's like, you guys need a dreamer. You guys need a music fan.
You need a monorail salesman to come in here and do some flim-flamming. Flim-flamming.
That was funny. I guess I would want to...
For the capital P and the rise of D, and that stands for demolition. Man. Capital P. D. D. What?
Oh, sorry. It's a song for music, man. Oh, no, I got it. Okay. That's a good one. You had one, yeah.
Yeah, I guess I think I would... I would want to see someone like the thing from Fantastic Four or someone like that, like in a rom-com. Like, give them love. Like, that's all they want.
They can't relate to society. They're very ugly.
But doesn't he, in Fantastic Four 2, Rise of the Silver Surfer, doesn't he date that blind woman? Right, which is great. Fantastic.
I would love to see, like, another, you know, shunned by society and give them a rom-com. Any superhero in a movie where you don't have to do any superheroing at all, like just Captain America dealing with adjusting to his life, or someone with, like, undeniable constant powers that are just on display for people just having to go to the market and live.
Right. Yeah, I do like that. We're having to solve problems that aren't related to their powers. Yeah. Superman really trying to deal with poverty in Metropolis. Trying to figure out how that would go about doing that. Right.
I think mine would probably be somewhat like a loner, badass, like, snake-eyes from G.I. Joe, but just in a I Am Legend scenario. Mm-hmm. So where he's the only one, and he's surrounded by hordes of these things that are trying to kill him constantly. Mm-hmm.
But he's really just awesome kick-ass at fighting.
Yeah. And that's all he does, the whole movie. Right. And already is a guy who doesn't eat other people. Yeah. He's not the entire time. Thing isn't a dilemma for him. Right. I'm worried about his family or his dog. Right. As soon as he finds out that he's like, oh, I had care of the immunity?
Oh, you guys are so f***ed. I'm the lifestyle of the planet. Yeah. You're one of us. This is the dumbest virus ever. My name is Snake-Eyes, but I'm changing it to Legend. Do you understand?
Little girl.
And just a circumstance in which he's, and maybe, I'm sure it will turn into, if you had to make a movie, it would be some sort of escort mission scenario where there's somebody else there who has to protect. Just him, like Mei-Lang, who hoards the zombies, feels so gratifying and cool to me. Right. And he just sees Will Smith and his buddies go by, like, we're going to take this to the lab. We're going to cure.
I'm good. That sounds good. That's fine. So drink later. Okay, cool.
Bring the mannequins, man. Bring them. Drag your feet if you need to on that cure.
Yeah, I'm fine. There's no law against this yet. Yes. That's actually really cool.
Yeah, somebody who's not meant for me. Somebody who's not meant for our society at all. Like, they just don't fit in. Things are not going well for them.
And then this thing happens, and everyone's like, oh, he's like, oh, thank God. Yeah, this is what I'm made for. Right, they always make those, like, the villains in Walking Dead right now with people who are like Shane, who was like, yeah, I didn't really fit in for the old world, but I'm pretty well suited for being a monster. Yeah. Or a monster hunter. Show's still going, huh? Oh, God, yeah, forever. But that's our week. We've talked for a long time. These are getting longer, guys. Oh. And pretty off the rails.
Also, pretty personal. Getting real personal. Pretty personal. Getting very personal.
Oh. But thanks again for joining us. Dame Maggie Smith. No, thank you. Thank you. That should have been it. If I could go back in time, I would change my Twitter handle to that. To Dame Maggie Smith. That would be confusing at all.
What is your actual Twitter handle so people can find you on the internet? Yes, it is Maggie Mayfish. And I am going to be streaming Dream Daddy. So if you're curious, find me on Twitch. Same name. I'm going to play it. I'm Soren. You can find me on Twitter at this address right here.
Do you think someone's going to add that in post? That was a leap of faith on your part. I don't think anyone on the team watches these. Yeah. Ooh, wow. They skim at like double speed to see that nothing falls down. Well, you're at an anvil that just falls on top. This would be a tremendous opportunity for our editor to be like, man, f*** you. I watch everything. And he just now, like, hit a super giant. Different ways to ruin the show. Anyway, do whatever you want, Jeff.
I'm Dan O'Brien. You can find me at D-O-B underscore-I-N-C on Twitter and nowhere else.
And in the comments, uh, defend Maggie. In all aspects. |
dropout | if_paul_bunyan_were_a_lumbersexual | Willamsburg, Brooklyn was a gentrified land where very little work was done. And as a result there were no real men but Paul Bunyan looked like one.
I bought this axe for an Instagram shoot. Hashtag beard game strong.
Then I threw it out cause I don't use tools. Call my landlord when something's wrong.
Hey Paul! Give me an IPA.
Paul Bunyan!
Ten times more snobby than any beer snob. Eats more, brush than fifteen.
Man without jobs.
Hey Paul! Paul Bunyan!
Well he uses so much beer wax he can fill the Great Lakes. Any sports in a cap, even when it's ninety eight he wears enough flannel to cover every poser from Portland to L.A. I pretend to like whiskey more than any other man.
Got a hundred leather notebooks in my leather side bag.
The ladies all love me cause they see a lumberjack but I've never even camped.
Hey Paul! I've never seen a tree outside of Paul Bunyan! Paul Bunyan!
He can't build houses, he'll change a flatbait. 80 bucks to get his hair like that.
Hey Paul! So manly, so pretty. He's a giant frog! Paul Bunyan!
Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. |
ClickHole | the_geometry_of_emotion_how_paul_thomas_anderson_uses_hot_dog_shapes_in_his_films_to_create_mood | Let's talk about mood. The mood of a film has a huge impact on our experience of it, and it can be established in several ways, including through lighting and color. But geometrical shapes can also create mood in films, influencing our experience without us even realizing it. To understand this better, let's look at how director Paul Thomas Anderson uses hot dog shapes in his films to create mood.
So here's the first shot of There Will Be Blood.
Right off the bat, PTA presents us with this striking tableau of three distinct hot dog shapes. These massive hot dog shapes seem to loom threateningly over the world of the film, and from the moment we see them, There Will Be Blood's ominous mood has been established. It's re-established throughout the film, with other ominous hot dog shapes in the oil well scene, the baptism scene, and of course the bowling alley scene. But PTA doesn't just employ hot dog shapes to establish ominous moods.
Take the pool party scene in Boogie Nights.
In this scene, PTA uses lots of playful hot dog shapes to establish an optimistic mood. Look at the way PTA frames this shot such that Philip Seymour Hoffman, Mark Wahlberg, and John C. Reilly form a hot dog shape. In this way, PTA is subliminally telling us that our characters are bonded together, much like a hot dog. This hot dog shape creates the fairly positive mood of the first half of the film. In turn, as the characters' relationships fracture in the second half of the film and the mood changes, so do the hot dog shapes, becoming increasingly stretched out and distorted. As you can see, the hot dog shapes in PTA's films evoke many different emotions and create a wide variety of moods, from carefree and light-hearted, to tense and gloomy.
And the science behind why this works is actually pretty interesting.
With that in mind, let's look at the best example of how PTA uses this concept in establishing mood, the omelet scene from his most recent film, Phantom Thread. Notice how the omelet is shaped almost exactly like a hot dog? This immediately creates a sense of happiness as the viewer marvels at the incredible shape of the hot dog, aka the omelet. And when Daniel Day-Lewis's character finally eats the omelet, which is shaped like an incredible hot dog, the mood shifts to dark gloominess because the wonderful hot dog shape is gone and this is unfathomably sad. In this way, it can be seen that PTA also creates mood by subtracting the existing hot dog shapes within scenes, plunging the audience into a state of existential suspense where the likelihood of the beloved hot dog shape returning is painfully unknown. Luckily, PTA rescues the viewer from this unbearable limbo with one last hot dog shape before the credits roll, completing the emotional arc of the film's climax and demonstrating his powerful mastery of the geometry of emotion. |
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