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dropout | when_you_re_forced_to_choose_the_music | Alright, I'll get the directions loaded up if you can choose the music. Music? Yeah, get some tunes going. Tunes? Yeah. Some James. Are you ready for CJ's Force to Choose the Music? So, I'm looking through my music. What do you like? Play anything.
It's all good. Okay. I'm trying to decide. Really? Just literally anything is fine. Just play something. We love you. Woo! Okay, so I think other people think this band is cool, so that will make me look good. Okay.
It's coming out my phone, but not the speakers. Yeah, you need to plug it into the auxiliary cable. It should be on the floor somewhere, kind of by your feet. Oh. Yeah, just put in the headphone jack.
Oh shoot, sorry. Okay, you're not into this. I can find something better. That was fine.
Come on, we didn't even finish the song. Here's like a funny song. I'm not into it. I just think it's like ironically funny. So, I'm just going to play it as a joke.
Don't judge me. I'm not going to judge you.
Okay, wait. This one's better. No, this one. Okay, stop doing that. Just let it play.
I'm screwing this up. Why don't you choose something? I have to drive. You're over complicating this.
We have Spotify. It's basically every song. That's too much to choose from. Okay, how about this?
So, dating is weird, right? Here's some things I noticed about dating.
Maybe not a comedy album? You said anything. No, I did.
I'm just play something you like. What kind of music do you like to listen to? I don't know, stuff. Okay, like movie soundtracks and show tunes. That's maybe kind of weird for all of us to listen to. Play something normal. Okay, I have an old playlist from a party. That sounds great. Yeah.
What is this even? It's from my grandpa's 80th birthday, okay? He's from the old country. I'm sorry that you don't like sharing in other people's culture. Okay, here's something random. I'm not even going to look.
Oh, I love these guys. My favorite band. Do you like them? Yeah, I love them. I'm their biggest fan. Have you heard their most recent album?
Okay, I lied. I have actually only ever heard this song, so... Why would you lie about that? That's weird. Okay, I cannot do this.
So, we are here. Yes, we are here.
I just don't roll out of my car. I'm sorry. It freaks me out.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me.
And show tunes. That's maybe kind of weird for all of us to listen to. Play something normal. Okay, I have an old playlist from a party. That sounds great. Yeah.
What is this even? It's from my grandpa's 80th birthday, okay? And he's from the old country. I'm sorry that you don't like sharing in other people's culture. Okay, here's something random. I'm not even going to look.
Oh, I love these guys. My favorite band. Do you like them? Yeah, I love them. I'm their biggest fan. Have you heard their most recent album?
Okay, I lied. I have actually only ever heard this song, so... Why would you lie about that? That's weird. Okay, I cannot do this.
So we are here. Yes, we are here.
I just don't roll out of my car. I'm sorry. It freaks me out. |
Fitzthistlewits | crusader_kings_2_review_avi | Crusader Kings 2 is a grandiose strategy game released by Danish developers, Paradox Interactive. In the game, you play as a medieval aristocrat who wants to be a Crusader King 2. Unfortunately, I never got to play the original, as at the time of release, I was staying at the Grimsby Young Offenders institution. So I was very excited to see how the sequel turned out.
The game is unique in that it deliberately eschews things like battles and war in favor of not fun things like diplomacy, trade, marriage, religion, feudal politics, inheritance laws. It's essentially a total war, but for autis.. smart people.
Here's that guide to playing the game on the forums. Look at it. It just keeps on going. Oh god.
A novel feature is that you can pay for DLC that should have been in the game from launch. One British pound fifty-nine, approximately twenty-eight US dollars, will buy you all the flags in the game. And another pound fifty-nine, approximately twenty-eight US dollars, you can get the Mongol faces. I thought you'd get to play as the Mongols, but no, you just get to look at the Mongol faces. Nordic people raped and stole from my ancestors, and it's nice to see Paradox are continuing this tradition with me.
My favorite bit of the game is how all the Muslims in the game look like weird Jewish caricatures in blackface with pubic hair superglued to their faces. In fact, everyone looks a bit fetal alcohol syndrome-y, which is weird.
Everything is really finickity and bossy and complicated. Like, in most strategy games, if you want to get territory, you attack them and then you try and take the stuff. In this one, you need to ask permission from the Pope, like he's your big Christian mum, and you're a little kid, and you go, Please, Popey, please, let me fight the French, and it's just... Yeah, you can convert to heresy, but then everyone hates you, and you can't just convert straight away. You need to, like, you know, you can't be like Henry the Eighteenth and just say, no, I don't want to be Catholic anymore. You need to wait for this event from your chaplain, and I think it's random, I don't know.
But otherwise, you can only get one province at a time, but then you have to, like, wait years and years for your spy to generate a claim on it. And even then, often the land sort of remains in control of the previous king. I think they can get one province at a time, but then you have to wait years and years for your spy to generate a claim. And even then, often that remains in control of the previous king. I think the province of the Geir, which is, like, still remaining.
I don't know what the fuck's going on, you know, I don't know. Maybe I am just a retard, like my psychiatrist says. Most people enjoyed the game and have been enjoying it for some time, which kind of makes this review pointless. I suppose the game just wasn't my... cup of... mead. Zero out of ten. |
cracked | donald_trump_the_american_president_is_literally_a_fascist_more_some_news | Hi, I'm a news person, and here's some news. The president is just very bad, very bad. And we didn't want to talk about him this week, but a lot of news is just about him. I mean, we could do a segment about how vocal feminist icon Joss Whedon physically and emotionally cheated on his wife for 15 years, or how it was once again brought up that beloved comic Louis C.K. continually gets accused of locking female comics and writers in rooms to make them watch him jerk off in front of them. But, speaking of hypocrites and sexual assaulters who get away with it, the president. Sorry, but he is the president, and he loves attention, and he's been basically spending his entire summer vacation having a dialogue with the world about what kind of war to have.
Maybe a nuclear war, maybe a civil war, world war? Personally, I'd prefer a war of the worlds. Then before we die, at least we can all know definitively that aliens exist, and just fucking hate us. But it looks like the president has merely settled on perpetual war by answering the question, what should we do about Afghanistan with a resounding uh-huh? That's right, the war that can now get its learners permit in all 50 states is hoping to one day rent a car in all 50 states.
Reactions to Trump's announcement of sending more troops into Afghanistan ranged from, I bet some dip shit will say how he finally seems presidential to he really seemed presidential tonight. Very presidential, isn't it? Very presidential.
The complex situation in Afghanistan that the United States created in Afghanistan seems to have no end, since after the troop surge there's no timetable for withdrawal. And Rex Tillerson has said to the Taliban, you will not win a battlefield victory. We may not win one, but neither will you. As if to literally say, in war, nobody wins.
Good point, Rex. I agree with you, Rex.
President Trump has spent many of his non-president years berating former President Barack Hussein Obama for not withdrawing from Afghanistan. Unfortunately, the current president's just a weak leader. He's excited to withdraw. Will he send more troops in? Not keeping that promise to his supporters. Low stamina. Weak leadership. Anyway, Mr. Trump, for any future military decisions, might I suggest not doing a war. Speaking of weak leadership, the president was feeling low, so he decided to hold a campaign rally in Phoenix, Arizona to boost his spirits and maybe make a couple of bucks.
Let's start at the very beginning. What a crowd. Nope, here's the crowd. Go on. Join together with friends. We reaffirm our shared customs, traditions, and values.
It's important to note who he's talking to here because it's not America. He's only talking to the people in that room, like that one black guy behind them, or at another rally, that same black guy behind them. He's talking to his base. He says as much immediately. We are fully and totally committed to fighting for our agenda, and we will not stop until the job is done. He's not being the president. He's being a candidate.
Because even though his general approval rating went down after his terrible response to the events in Charlottesville, see last week's episode, his approval rating with his base went up. So at his rally, he decided to spend 16 minutes explaining why the media is dishonest and crooked and unfair to him about that. Nobody there needed to hear that from him. 16 minutes. But let's just fast forward to the part where he explains why he said there was a blame on both sides, and why he said there were some very fine people marching with the Nazis.
That's, like, fast forward. Fast forward. You can just cut to it if you want.
Because he's complaining about the media representation of his words. You'd think he'd mention the part that everyone had a problem with.
Right? Is that the end? So that was my words. And he stuck the landing.
So that was his words, and one of those words was new to him, antifa, or as he and the internet like to call it, antifa. Now, this is definitely a word he just learned, antifascist. Another word he doesn't know, but definitely should, is fascist. Something he's called regularly in regards to his authoritarian nationalism. Go to an anti-Trump protest, and you'll see hundreds, if not thousands, of signs calling him a fascist. I call the new president a fascist. You know the fascist trauma. That type of fascist behavior. The methodology of a neo-fascist.
In his speech that night, he literally said he'd shut down the government in order to get a wall put around the nation. But believe me, if we have to close down our government, we're building that wall.
Ah, yes. A reasonable democratic leadership that respects the checks and balances our government put in place so nobody has too much power. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Fascists also have a disdain for the recognition of human rights. Basically, forgiving human rights violations for the sake of the greater good. This could range from thinking torture is fine, to advocating taking out terrorist families in order to get to terrorists, or praising human rights violators like Vladimir Putin, Rodrigo Duterte, and even Joe Arpaio. Do the people in this room like Sheriff Joe? No. I mean, they probably do, but they shouldn't because the president's going to pardon the former Arizona sheriff despite his resisting a court order, failure to investigate sex crimes, and unconstitutional jailing practices of suspected immigrants, which is yay, another element of fascism, using enemies and scapegoats to unify people. These enemies could be immigrants, ethnic minorities, religious minorities, liberals, conservatives, communists, criminals, socialists, terrorists, the media, or in the case of our president, the Republican, Democrats, illegal immigration, communism, socialism, anarchists, terrorists, thugs, Islamic terrorists, the media, these are animals. Fascist, use scapegoats. Okay, let's talk some more of these out.
Supremacy of the military. We're building up our military like never before. Obsession with national security, that's obvious. Security threats, border security, security, immigration security, is also a matter, remember this, of national security.
Oh cool, two in one again. Alright, intertwining religion and government, like Trump's executive order to allow churches to participate in political speech and activities despite the separation of church and state, because. It really shows you that America is indeed a nation of faith, we know that.
The protection of corporate power, cool, like how an alarming number of his cabinet members are former Goldman Sachs executives or oil tycoons, and how his infrastructure plan is ostensibly to privatize it and create a beautiful system of tolls for people to use, and how he's getting rid of. America's crushing business tax. Or how he campaigned on running the country like a business, which is a fucking stupid idea, since businesses are in service of profit and government is in service of people. And since Trump's idea of running something like a business is being a CEO of a family company, where your board members are your kids, which is why he's so upset when the checks and balances of our government stop him from doing whatever he wants, like a dictator.
Oh, this one's fun. A disdain for intellectuals in the arts is common in fascist regimes. Sure, we could rattle off examples of Trump denying science, actively putting policy in place that hurt scientific endeavors, how his proposed budget slashes the national endowment of the arts, and how he always rails against Hollywood elites and every kind of art that isn't of the deal, but instead, let's just listen to him.
I always hear about the elite. You know, the elite, they're elite. I went to better schools than they did. I was a better student than they were. I live in a bigger, more beautiful apartment, and I live in the White House too, which is really great. I think, you know what, I think we're the elites. They're not the elites. Railing against the elites and intellectuals in the middle of bragging about living in a literal golden tower.
Cool. Anyway, promoting the police state, like militarizing the police, or suggesting cops be rougher with suspects and protesters and overlooking police abuses from sheriffs like David Clark, Joe Arpaio again. Was Sheriff Joe convicted for doing his job? Nope.
Chronism and corruption, we got that. Fraud and elections, pretty sure that's a thing. Fascinating is hard work. Let's get back to attacking critical media. Obviously, there's a link between Trump's fake news and Hitler's Lugan press, German for lying press, and he did spend 16 minutes complaining about the lying press and more minutes. Oh, that's so funny, look back there.
The live red lights, they're turning those suckers off fast out there. They're turning those lights off fast.
Like CNN, CNN does not want its falling viewership to watch what I'm saying tonight, I can tell. 16 minutes. And let's confirm his claim by going live to CNN. They're turning those lights off fast. Like CNN, CNN does not want its falling viewership to watch what I'm saying tonight, I can tell. Sure, you can tell me. He does this a lot because fascists discredit all critical media and establish state control media like the pro-Trump Sinclair group that runs propaganda and owns local news across the country or how he paused for a couple of minutes to plug state media Fox News, which is very fair to him, meaning they suck his dick, something he wishes he could just do himself but Steve Bannon left too early to teach him how.
A good example of Fox's fairness, after everyone joked about how Trump would definitely use his dumb moron eyes to stare directly at the sun during the eclipse and he did, which you're not supposed to do, fair and balanced Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson said it was, quote, perhaps the most impressive thing any president has ever done. He looked directly at the sun without any glasses, perhaps the most impressive thing any president's ever done. And Kim Jong Un can totally dunk on anybody. Right on, Tucker.
So this isn't to say that the democratically elected president who got the least votes and is already throwing rallies for himself and working on policies to suppress even more voters in the coming years is literally going to implement a fascist regime from which we can't escape. That's hysteria. It's hysterical. But he doesn't have to have a literal genocide plan to be a fascist. It can be as simple as demonizing and dehumanizing immigrants or throwing non-white, non-English speakers in jail for being suspected immigrants and treating them poorly like, oh, fun, Joe Arpaio again. Do the people in this room like Sheriff Joe? I said no. But all alarmism and 10th grade political science decide Trump said this alarming thing at his rally.
The only time they show the crowds is when there's a disruptor or an anarchist in the room. I call them anarchists. Because believe me, we have plenty of anarchists. They don't want to talk about the anarchists. To be clear, that's the president equating anyone who disrupts his rallies, AKA protesters, with anarchists. I call them anarchists.
Don't. Don't lump everyone who disagrees with you into anarchists. He wants his supporters and people to think they are though and that he alone can protect them from them.
But see this room? You're safe in this room. You're very safe in this room.
He's laying the groundwork for a narrative that protesting in any way is bad and dangerous. So when there are people protesting him, if a couple of dicks throw some rocks, the entire crowd gets gassed by the militarized police, chaos ensues, and the president can continue talking about how violent the left is and the police can crack down on them, which literally happened that same night outside and it's not a coincidence. And it would be great if the media would actually call this stuff out. Stop calling him a narcissist, a liar, unhinged, a strong man. He's not civil. Call him a fascist, because successful at it or not, that's what he is. And the one thing all fascist regimes need to really take hold is a charismatic leader who's good at lying and keeping people's attention. Though, if we really look at the Phoenix rally, he might be losing both his mind and the crowd.
What a crowd. What?
I cheered myself up. We might be good. All right. Oh, thanks for watching. Next week won't be about Trump, I promise, and I reserve the right to utterly break that promise. |
ClickHole | amazing_this_boy_saw_heaven_during_his_near_death_experience | Well, when I was asleep at the hospital, I felt myself floating up and up. I could see my body lying there, and then I floated to heaven.
Heaven is beautiful. There's so many colors, and the roads are made of silver, and the buildings are made of gold. The angels have beautiful white wings, and they're singing to you.
And Jesus is there, and he's bench pressing really big weights. And he grunts while he lifts the weights, and he's concentrating really hard on making his muscles big.
And nobody's old in heaven. Everyone is nice to you, and you feel really safe. When I was in heaven, I saw a big beautiful field. There were flowers, and birds were singing to you. Everyone looked so happy. And Jesus was right in the middle of heaven.
And he doesn't look at anybody or talk to anybody. He just lifts weights forever and ever. Jesus has long, round hair, and beautiful blue eyes, the bluest eyes I've ever seen. And his muscles are so big that when you see him, you're afraid of him, because nobody should look like that. He always looks like his muscles are about to explode. He has the warmest smile, but you can barely see it, because his arm muscles are so big that they look like they're eating his head. Yes, I saw God. God is very big, but Jesus' muscles are so much bigger. Jesus is a muscle monster, and he makes God look like a skinny baby. I went up to Jesus one time while he was lifting weights. I tried to talk to him, but he don't look at me, because he was too busy making his muscles bigger.
He kept shouting, I need to get huge. I need to stay huge. I need to get huge. I need to stay huge. Build mass and build bulk.
I don't really think he was saying it to anybody. It was just what he was shouting into the sky while he left the weights forever. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Big_Ask_Some_Massive_Crime_News_Minimum_Wage_Increase_Blowback_More_June_17 | Hello and welcome to the weekly Battuta News bulletin, the end of another week. It's been a great week up here in town, a lovely winter week, lots of sun, not too cold and not much of the rain so it's been quite pleasant. You'll notice that my voice is coming to you first up, once again Clancy and Errol are away on business so it is myself, Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman in the booth to wrap up what's been happening over the last few days. Effie, how are you? I'm doing really well Wendell, looking forward to the weekend. Yep, bottomless brunch you were telling me you've got on tomorrow so I look forward to seeing the state you are in come Monday morning.
Now we'll get into the news wrap, there's been plenty happening this week and we'll start off on the power crisis. One of the big stories we wrote about this had a headline that reads, surprise, surprise, new communist government asks the peasants to limit their power use. Tell us about this one Effie. Yeah so just weeks after storming to power, Australia's new president for life Anthony Albanese and his energy general Chris Bowen have put energy consumers on notice. So speaking to state media this morning, the communist government is asking us peasants to limit their energy use as the nation's infrastructure begins to buckle under the pressure. Yeah that's right, they explained there will be repercussions for producers and peasants who flippantly use power during this crisis period and as the crisis continued to deepen they have now stormed the energy market operated building to claim back control of the power grid. They've raised the flag there, a man climbed to the top of the building and has planted the Labor Party flag on there so they've seized control, I don't know maybe if that means that the power generated by our own nation is available for people within our own nation to use. Maybe that's a good thing whether it's communist or not but it's been quite a week.
Now we did have a comment on that story from Shannon Knowles. Any relation to Beyonce? I'm not sure, I think he's got a K. Yeah that is Beyonce.
Not sure, could be a relation to distant cousin over here in the channel country but he said the national energy grid has already degraded to third world status after less than a month of Labor being in power, how could the Australian people let themselves be fooled? I think he's referencing the it won't be easy under Albanese stuff we heard all about before the last election campaign but anyway one of the other big talking points this week has been the cost of lettuce, Effie what was the story we had about that one? Yes so as lettuce prices continue to rise with even some places you know alleged with a $20 lettuce, there's been Operation Iceburg as Queensland police arrest 39 men in relation to a major lettuce trafficking syndicate. This is big crime news out of the state this week, Queensland police have charged a highly sophisticated organisation of people with black market grocery offences including cultivating and trafficking commercial quantities of lettuce. Police say there were $400 million worth of lettuces seized in this state wide raid this week and it's one of the biggest in Queensland history. This comes as a growing number of working Australian families are forced to engage with the underworld in an effort to keep up with the unsustainable cost of living with illegal motorcycle gangs filling the void left by overpriced supermarkets. Yeah it would be interesting to see if they really have cut the head off the snake here or whether the underworld trafficking of lettuce just continues but most of these people who have been arrested will appear in court over the next few weeks where they will answer for their crimes of undercutting the powerful grocery cartels that dictate prices on shelves without any consideration given to the cost of living.
Anyway what's up next?
And up next a finance peak who withdraws $300 at 11pm every Friday reckons this minimum wage increase is reckless. Yes that's right, one of the nation's greatest economic minds has offered his dad's opinion on the dollar an hour raise to the minimum wage that we saw this week. Petuta Grove's Alexander Silver Spoon has revealed that the move from the Fair Work Commission was one of the stupidest decisions he's ever seen. Yes a 29 year old says anyone who knows the slightest thing about economics can tell you that this was the wrong move as all it's going to do is cause inflation to spiral. It's a reckless decision from a reckless government, reckons the man who does an ATM trip to withdraw large amounts of cash every weekend and has no dramas dropping $100 on a cab ride home. Yes but he did go to a sandstone university and has a dad who made quite a bit of money so he knows all about these things.
Now in sports news to round out the week, Australians have revealed that they are going to make an effort to call it football for at least the next 6 to 12 months. Yes after a sensational morning in Qatar, the nation of Australia has now promised to be on their best behaviour. Given the heroics of the grey wiggle in goals, plenty of more traditional football fans have agreed to play nice for the near future. Yes even though the national team is called the soccer roos, the national football team is called the soccer roos, there's been an agreement to give the world game the credit it gets elsewhere around the world. As Cameron Cherry, a reserve grade prop for the Betooted Dolphins rugby league club, who considers that the real football, he's made the acknowledgement that look, this isn't real football but I'll indulge it for the next little bit, okay? That's what he said and I think it helps given that the rugby league season will be finished and then we'll have that world cup because that's kicking off around November so you know there's a bit of a break there cricket and like this football can replace the real football for the next little bit so fair enough, something to keep an eye on but yeah those were the biggest stories this week so we hope you enjoyed our wrap up and you'll be back again next week and we'll talk to you then, see you bye. See you later. |
TheOnion | Pope_Supports_Gay_Marriage_After_Meeting_Charming_Connecticut_Couple | An alarming new study finds that people suffering from stress-related disorders react poorly to being trapped in underwater elevators. A tired 398-month-old throws a tantrum, and a little clay thing is purchased at an arts festival.
And now, an eerily perfect recap of this week's news. The Catholic Church reversed its long-held stance against gay marriage this week after meeting Connecticut couple Tony and Craig. The vacationing pair dazzled the Pope and assorted clergy with their witty conversation and true loving affection for each other, leading Vatican officials to conclude that love is love and it's silly to put restrictions on it in this day and age.
The Chinese people announced that they would be willing to forgive most of the United States' $1.16 trillion debt if Americans agreed to dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them. Chinese officials encouraged U.S. citizens to wear sequined vests and prance around while slapping their big fat American tummies, promising that the more humiliating the performance, the more debt will be erased.
In sports, NASCAR fans are deeply puzzled by a mysterious black family seen attending multiple races. And in other news, the perfect gift for a local man is unfortunately a gift certificate to Lowe's Cinemas. Mall shoppers look on in awe as a helpless 15-year-old girl is viciously torn apart by a pack of her peers, and a drunk pilot decides to pull over onto a cloud until he sobers up. And that was not nearly as painful as anticipated. For more stories and videos, go to theonion.com slash review. |
SaturdayNightLive | pilates_snl | Meredith, I feel like we shouldn't be doing this. Oh, come on, Jess. I think it'll be fun. let's go.
What is this place? Why is it so dark?
And what are these machines? Mamas, is this your first class? The Lotties. From the creator of Song X and the Marketing Director, Varello, comes a chilling new look at Girl Horror. it's not what you think it'll be. it's so hard, but it's also so boring. Good job, Mamas. now take those footstraps to your handstraps. grab your handstraps around your footstraps. take those ankle straps around your waist and your knee straps around your head. the machine is called a reformer. it looks like it's designed for torture, but somehow also sex. it can't be that bad. you don't understand. time is different in there. How long has it been? four hours? it's been 11 seconds. Who are these women? The vibe is bad. most of the women are ex-dancers or first-time moms.
Everyone, just follow what Naomi's doing. Oh, my God. usually there are eight gorgeous women, one gay man not wearing underwear. I'm obsessed with you girlies. And sometimes, Kaya Gerber. this is randomly so easy.
Will there be any modifications? Chelsea doesn't need any modifications. Chelsea does all the moves.
And I'm 11 months. what's your name? it's impossible to get out. who is this?
Hey, Meredith. missed you today in class, boo-ba. oh, sorry, I'm sick. Well, you don't look sick.
If you don't follow their rules, then God help you. Hey, girly Pop, did you forget your sticky socks? Yeah, but I can just wear my regular socks, right?
Sure. Just when you think you could never be one of them. Meredith, please. I can't take this. let's just go. Meredith?
Hello? what is this place? Why is it so dark? And what are these machines?
Mamas, is this your first class? Velottis. From the creator of Sawx and the Marketing Director, Varello, comes a chilling new look at girl Horror. it's not what you think it'll be. it's so hard, but it's also so boring. Good job, Mamas.
Now take those footstraps to your handstraps. rub your handstraps around your footstraps. take those ankle straps around your waist and your knee straps around your head. the machine is called a reformer. it looks like it's designed for torture, but somehow also sex. it can't be that bad. you don't understand. time is different in there. How long has it been? four hours? it's been 11 seconds.
Who are these women? The vibe is bad. most of the women are ex-dancers or first-time moms.
Everyone, just follow what Naomi's doing. Oh, my God. usually there are eight gorgeous women, one gay man not wearing underwear. I'm obsessed with you, girlies. and sometimes, kayakerper. this is randomly so easy.
Will there be any modifications? Chelsea doesn't need any modifications. Chelsea does all the moves, and I'm 11 months.
Once you're in, it's impossible to get out. who is this?
Hey, Meredith. missed you today in class, Boo-ba. Oh, sorry, I'm sick. Well, you don't look sick. if you don't follow their rules, then God help you.
Hey, girly Pop. did you forget your sticky socks? Yeah, but I can just wear my regular socks, right?
Sure. just when you think you could never be one of them. Meredith, please. I can't take this. let's just go. Meredith? |
cracked | why_umbrellas_used_to_be_for_women_only_cracked_history | Hm, I'd kill my favorite uncle to smell a wet dog again. Oh, hi there.
Today, we're going to be delving into the origins of a useful little device you wouldn't think twice about opening up in a public place on a rainy day like today. Ooh, a trench coat and a crowded Denny's? Christ on a cracker, no, you deviant. An umbrella. You see, there was a time when umbrellas were considered too girly and worse, too French. For a proper gentleman to use.
But one man dedicated his precious time on earth to normalizing them. Jonas Hanway was a businessman and a sailor who kind of sucked at both. But as a young man, he did travel the world and got his head noogied, his titties twisted, and his willy wet by an impressive array of bullies. Ooh, it's time for a game of match-em-up. Can you match the humiliating fiasco, the relentless bully who caused it, and the exotic location it happened in? Ooh, ooh. Wow, that's one prolific loser. This guy couldn't go anywhere without getting dogged walk through Capcas. He got his wares stolen by an Iranian con, then some pirates in the Caspian Sea got his whole crew British shitting sick. Later in life, he inspired nearly everyone in London to huck garbage at his stupid head. Getting his ass kicked up and down the globe, well, it made for one hell of a story. And he later made a ton of money of a book he wrote about his travels. I love a redemption arc. Well, not exactly. He built his reputation and fortune by being a God-tier weenie boy. People just couldn't get enough of this guy eating shit.
Oh, umbrellas, it all makes sense. Wait, actually, I'm not following. Well, Waco, think about the masculinity standards of 18th century London. A proper gentleman would sooner slosh around in London's shit-filled streets, letting soot-infused rainwater soak into his Stankbank woolen waistcoat than daintily unfurled umbrella. I guess that makes sense.
People known for their sloppy wet breakfast would walk around in sloppy wet clothes. Not being wet all the time, that was an indulgence that only women and foreigners could be so decadent as to enjoy.
Henway challenged that notion, and he paid dearly for it. And here's where the garbage-hucking comes into play. He endured jeers from his fellow pedestrians, some calling him a fencing Frenchman. One man went absolutely sicko mode, taunting, Frenchman, Frenchman, why don't you call a coach?
Oh God, enough, please make it stop. I'm sorry you had to hear that, Waco, but that burn, well, it's at the heart of this issue.
His greatest nemesis, well, they were coach drivers who had a monopoly on traveling around London without getting rained on. If umbrellas caught on, they'd be out of business. Things got so heated that a coach driver tried to run his ass over with a horse.
In that moment, something snapped inside Henway. Ah, happens to me all the time. You, you, you okay? Never better. Okay.
Maybe in that coach driver's eyes, he saw the sneering face of the nomadic chieftain who took his lunch money, or the diarrhea pirate who gave him diarrhea, whatever it was, he whipped out his umbrella and he beat the Yorkshire pudding out of his tea. That's a type of overreaction that'll get you noticed. Words spread about this dry, stubborn bastard and contrarian numbskulls all over England again strutting about with umbrellas looking for a fight. See, it's cool to build your entire personality around making people mad.
Well, cool isn't the word that I'd use to describe Jonas Henway. You could never in one million years guess the other social issues he tried to make his thing. Well, he was right about umbrellas. Maybe he was right about the other stuff. Whoa, he's drier than I imagined. Why, thank you very much, my, I spent the better half of 20 years dealing with taunts and ridicule just to defend my God-given right to hold an umbrella and not be colder.
Can I say Frenchman? Yeah, well, bleep it. Listen, Mr. Henway, my colleague here would like to hear more about your revolutionary ideas.
Well, I do believe that child chimney sweeps ought to be treated a bit more fairly. Well, that's already kind of taken care of itself, but we're off to a good start. Solitary confinement is good. We ought to do it a heck of a lot more often.
Shit. And being an Englishman, this might be hard to believe, but I have some interesting thoughts about race. Oh, that's shocking. They are racist ones.
Okay. Maybe we move this one along. Is that tea? It is tea. Would you like some? We can share the cup. I'm not that sick.
Tea is pernicious to health, obstructing the industry, and destroying our nation. No, this is sleepy time. It is making us ugly, smelly, unfuckable cowards.
You know what you sound like? A Frenchman.
Don't make me use the umbrella! I'm gonna be honest, I never mean it, but I'm glad he's gone. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bernard_Fanning_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_138 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooda Advocate radio show recording down here in Budgie Smuggler Studios downtown Batooda in the old city district and today we're joined by a friend of the show I guess you'd call him, you know a bloke that we keep in touch with over the years and have done since we were all part of the Brisbane push down there on Vulture Street. We were all young aspiring journos and he was a young aspiring muser. Bernard Fanning thank you for joining us today.
G'day fellas, how are ya? Very good. I was a young aspiring journo once as well. Really? Yeah I went to university and did journalism. Okay. What was your dream? I was enrolled. He was a couple years under me. Alright, okay.
What were your dreams there? What were you thinking? Were you thinking I'm going to be part of Four Triple Z's street team or were you more? No I think I wanted Crash Craddick's job at the Courier-Mail.
Right. Being the cricket writer. Yep.
That was part of the idea. I mean I think I also had ideas that journalism was something quite different to what it actually is. That you'd just write really long stories that are really interesting all the time. And get paid a lot. Yeah it's just we you know you end up making a career out of it like we have and you come to learn it's just alcoholism and eavesdropping mate. I had the booze part covered but yeah the rest of it not so much. We started obviously at the very start of your career there.
What was the, people don't know what the Brisbane music scene looked like. You know everyone has a good idea of what they reckon the Whitlams were doing down there in Newtown or what was happening down in Melbourne. But you know what was happening? Were you guys sitting on the veranda at the Regatta Hotel just strumming guitars? How did it all take place in Brisbane?
Well I joined Powderfinger after it was already up and running. So JC and Bish and Hoggie were the original three guys that went to school together. And then I went to when I was studying at UQ I met Hoggie and he asked me to come and have a jam so they were already I mean they were playing at parties and that kind of stuff so there was there was nothing going on in terms of the scene at that point I don't think.
But I think the main thing about the Brisbane scene was that there were because it was pretty separate to what was going on in Sydney and Melbourne and because it was a lot smaller there was the opportunity for lots of different types of bands to play together. There was a place called Metropolis which was under the Myers Centre that had a thing on Friday Afternoons called Rock Against Work which was because you know this is the early 90s so there were a lot of people on the dole at that point as well because unemployment was very high. Paul Keating's surf team. Yeah that's right you bet. That kind of became a bit of a centre for the scene. There was also a building in the valley which was the old target building in Fortitude Valley where a lot of the bands had rehearsal rooms so us and Brasilia and Screamfeeder and Pangaea and Brasilia and Pangaea kind of became regurgitator eventually members of each of those bands so custard all sorts of bands you know that were that were in there all in one place because it was the cheapest place to rent and it was full full on dive it was you know there were plenty of junkies around stuff as well. Bit of a squat. Yeah I guess but this I think it was that idea that you know it wasn't long after the Joe era was over as well and prior to that all the bands most of the bands had left and gone to Sydney or gone to London gone wherever and I guess our generation of bands were the first ones to say fuck it let's stay here and why would we go and live in some rising damp disaster area in Newtown when we can live in you know glory in a Queensland or in in Indooroopilly. So was there like a tipping point where you decided that you know perhaps you'd made the right decision in staying in Brisbane and making music as opposed to you know to taking a job at the Courier Mail and having to write about grade cricket you know from from everywhere from down to Logan up to Redcliffe you know.
Wynnum. Wynnum one of the great clubs.
It is it took a while for that realisation to come to pass because I joined the band in 1989 and we started getting paid in 1996. So you know we were working other jobs and yeah and I mean all the other bands around were the same as us but we also I think Arson Custard and Screenfeeder in particular and Pangaea really committed to touring so we just we just worked our asses off doing whatever we could to make money to buy an Econovan and then be able to drive to Sydney and Melbourne and then eventually to Adelaide as well and we did that kind of every six weeks for a couple of weekends and then come back to Brisbane and Sydney it would be Newcastle Thursday Sydney you know North Sydney Friday South Sydney Saturday Wollongong Sunday that kind of weekend and correspondingly in Victoria as well and in Brisbane it was Sunshine Coast Gold Coast and Brisbane maybe Toowoomba. I think that we were really committed to it we were pretty young we were only in our early 20s so you're a lot more tolerant of being dirt poor I think in that age and you know it's hard to complain about being being in a band and getting around with your mates and having some beers and talking to birds yeah it's kind of a lifestyle really I mean we made a lot of friends that was a really big part of it too we made friends with people and then they would come back and bring friends with them and that's that's how a band grew in those days this is prior to triple j obviously being national yeah well it's interesting that you mentioned that you know the band was driving around in an econoline kind of van yeah that you said there there was I think the same sort of van is mentioned in a Neil Young song called tonight's the night yeah and there's not a lot of people I don't think that would know that the name Powderfinger comes from a Neil Young song can you tell us the story about why you decided to you know name yourselves after quite an obscure Neil Young song or why they did before you joined yeah that's right yeah I mean I joined after it was already named you know I was familiar with the songs I was a Neil Young fan anyway yeah and I think they honestly the way that they decided was they were doing gigs at the regatta yeah JC and Bish we're doing gigs at the regatta and I think they graffitied it on the toilet stall and said yeah that looks pretty fucking good so yeah it wasn't it wasn't a big decision you know yeah no one still really knows exactly what the kind of meaning of that song is I don't think I don't think Neil Young's ever really explained it no because I heard that he wrote the song for Lynyrd Skynyrd but you know didn't really get it there in time as in for them to play yeah yeah yeah right I mean that would make sense because it's definitely got the very southern kind of sentiment to it hasn't it he did go through that phase where he was you know really into the south as they said southern men don't need them around anyhow so yeah that's right they did they did it was quite the riposte from Roddy Vanzant wasn't it that was the first beef that was the first before Tupac and Biggie that was yeah it was from Canada to Alabama now how did it feel coming up and you guys have obviously had a lot of commentary social commentary in your music people don't like being called political bands and and sometimes that can hijack a whole entire kind of discography to say that but you know you guys touched on things and you sang about things but the wave of music it was coming out of Brisbane with you guys as you said all those bands before the gurge and and powder finger and and custard weren't nearly as hardcore as the guys that came before you because that was the sir joe era where yeah you know tropical goths basically yeah what was it like pineapples at the dawn of time yeah and and what was the other one I once killed a gopher with a stick yeah I mean those guys were actually and the Saints you know and those those kinds of bands ups and downs they were they endured the special branch stuff that you know that Kev Carmody was talking to you guys about in your pod that you had with him I've I left school in 86 so my first year at university was 87 and that's when that's when Chris Masters blew open the whole the whole corruption story which everyone knew yeah it was just never never spoken about yeah we definitely had an easier time than than those guys did in terms of we weren't having gigs shut down and people being bashed for being there you were hit with phone books behind yeah exactly so and and that also explains why a lot of those bands left yeah because I think the atmosphere in Brisbane at that time was ultra conservative people were very reluctant to speak out about anything so yeah like there was a Nationals member in the heart of Brisbane wasn't there back in there yeah yeah I really knew Pops one to the nets oh my god that's kind of explains it doesn't it Jerry Jerry Manda with a capital Jerry but um yeah look I think from from the beginning when I was writing songs you know I'd always loved Bob Dylan and Neil Young and the Beatles and they were all people that had you know strong political points of view but I think also their measure for whether a song actually made it onto a record was whether it was a good song or not not just not just the political content and that was that was always kind of our measure as well I think that you if you got if you got something to say it's got to be well communicated but it also has to be you know presented within a good a good chain yeah yes you want to hear it a party too yeah that's right and I think one of the criticisms about a finger I think was that sometimes it was too easy on the ear you know it wasn't there wasn't a radical enough agenda there or whatever and it's probably fair criticism but I wasn't really I wasn't really interested in in that I hadn't grown up as a punk and I wasn't going to pretend to kind of be one you know I really loved really melodic music and if you can deliver a message that has some weight to it but also that you can whistle yeah then all the better you know the music industry I think probably aside from Australian music scene aside from maybe acting probably has the most bitching going on in it doesn't it as well like I've been you just meet some of these here you meet your heroes you meet a musician who you've loved your whole you know your whole life and then you ask them about another musician you loved and they say the most horrible things about them it's a really big part of it isn't it and it's a really disappointing part of it I guess it's the same in every industry but but yeah I mean one of the things good things about being from Brisbane and one of the reasons that we kind of leaned further into being and staying in Brisbane was that we were removed from the bullshit that went on in Sydney and Melbourne and we didn't like it and we didn't we didn't associate ourselves with it you know we knew the people in Brisbane Hoggie was in Hogue was he worked at the zoo yeah in in Brizzy and and so did Darren I think for the listeners that's the that's a live music venue in the valley the zoo yeah yeah yeah I don't think Brisbane has a real zoo no it doesn't well Lone Pine come on but you know those guys were probably more heavily involved in the in the local scene than than I ever was I always enjoyed it but I never really was a huge participator in that you know I like live music but it's pretty it's pretty noisy and there's a lot of people around so it can be a bit of a pain in the ass and I also moved you know out of Brisbane in about 2000 as well I made well it was still Brisbane but I moved out west near Moggill kind of thing so it was a mission in those days to to kind of get in there and be part of the scene but yeah you're right about the bitching thing that that that is an integral part of it and there's there's another interesting phenomenon which I've talked to a lot of other musicians about where you may actually really despise somebody's music and you meet them and they're just fucking great and then and then their music gets better yeah yeah you know it's just how it is it's just how it is you're much more forgiving when you've got the kind of the personal connection I guess tell us which tour it was do you think where you just because was it was it a stark difference was it a was it an overnight difference between the did you go from the tour to you know touring around in the van to Toowoomba and the like to two planes I mean you ended up getting your own plane yeah but what you didn't go from van to plane what when was it that you noticed how things are different on the road as a member of powder finger okay just let me clear something up about that plane yeah this is probably very necessary it wasn't our plane it was a Jetstar plane and Jetstar might I add on our biggest tour we were flying on Jetstar yeah but they were the reason that we were involved with those guys was that they were donating a ton of money to Yallari which was an organization that sponsored indigenous kids to come from far-flung places to get a private education in the city and board and all that sort of stuff so that was part of the whole tour idea yeah the plane plane idea wasn't it wasn't my idea was it communicated very well through the photo of you all standing in front of it wasn't was it it was horribly communicated like it have like you'd have a look at that image and then you're like oh this could be like Elton John's plane that's got a you know like a piano up in business class exactly like all these all these lounges in it but yeah but it was yeah it was just your standard issue Jetstar with the fucking 700 700 other punters that were on their connection to fucking Cuda back to the question about touring there's a song called pick you up which was on double allergic to the record we put out in 1996 that kind of that went on to triple j and that got you paid when yeah then we started getting paid well we got off the nice game because we were on the nice game at that point yeah which was for the listeners that was the new enterprise something scheme industry scheme where we were basically paid the dole the equivalent of the dole that we had to submit you know like our business plans to yeah to the department of social security and justify our existence of being paid by the government to do it it was actually a great idea and it's an initiative that should be yeah oh for the arts I mean especially in the conditions that the arts industry is in now it's I mean it's just fucking decimated so but yet double allergic was when we went from probably we might have been when we first caught planes but the first plane I ever caught was from Adelaide to Brisbane we used to have a lottery because we couldn't afford for everyone to fly like we could afford for two to fly and the other six including crew would drive and then the so that just went around on a short straw basis and and lonely drive to Brisbane the high plane it's a good time out there isn't it yeah geez we knocked a few roos over on that trip and so yeah probably around 96 is when things started to kind of pick up and we we actually started to you know be able to pay rent from yeah yeah from our job and then yeah and then it just became you know hookers cocaine yeah private jets yeah you would have all been able to fly by the time internationalists came out spent a week at number one yeah how much did your fortunes change after that because then it really seemed like things started to gas up for you yeah they did and I mean I guess the thing with any kind of success in any industry you just get a lot busier yeah because there's more you're more in demand so we then started touring internationally as well so we would do probably two or three tours in Australia on a record and then we'd probably do a couple of tours to the States and to Europe as well wherever we could we just to it as much as we possibly could so yeah I mean we were definitely you know financially better off we always kind of were putting the spoils of anything that was happening in Australia into being able to go and travel and tour overseas and do all that sort of stuff as well so we were very lucky we had an incredible run especially those years between kind of double allergic and and Vulture Street yeah all those records were really well received and and we had a great time doing it as well I mean it wasn't all a great time that's we generally had a great time and it's much easier to look back on now as a great time but it was really hard work and we and we also we were really determined to not be like the those kind of 80s rock excess bands yeah that was totally not our thing which is sounds kind of boring now but that was that was very much the the kind of spirit of the times too for most of the bands around you know that that our contemporaries were very much like that as well you're living excess by Brisbane standards yeah yeah getting a taxi instead of a bus yeah yeah heaps of hubs yeah yeah getting a taxi home after Rick's closed instead of instead of getting the 85 the Kenmore 85 yeah yeah so yeah we did have a really good run there but we worked really hard and we were always determined to just keep looking forward that was the thing we didn't we didn't really know how to handle the sort of success again I guess you'd say of things like Aria Awards and stuff like that we it just it didn't we didn't know really what it meant I guess it actually meant a lot more to the people around us like our families and the people that we worked with like our management and record labels and those sorts of people it wasn't that we didn't give a shit we were appreciative of it but it didn't matter to us you know we we weren't really concerned with that sort of stuff we just wanted to keep getting better that was really what it was all about it was a kind of tangible thing you could carry it was something your dad could say to his mates when they're asking how you going to go they want an Aria so yeah you know that stuff's great because you can't underestimate the amount of support we got from our families as well and and our partners as well I mean our long-suffering girlfriends and and wives that's that's a big part of it that that you're away a lot you know touring you said you you know you kind of you know there was a point where you all started going overseas kind of reinvesting the money you were making into spreading the word where did you find the surprise fan bases we asked this to every guest where where did you find you know you know some sticky fingers is it's chilly that's where yeah just come to Chile yeah and and then you know I think silver chair had a lot of love in South America too yeah yeah that was one of our big regrets actually we never got a release in South America so we never went there which is a real shame we subsequently now have a have quite a few South American fans from fans from all over the place Brazil and whatnot but we did we actually did quite well in Holland and Germany and Canada and I think that is probably largely due to the fact that a lot of dutchies were out here backpacking and whatnot and lots of travelers that took the music back to their own countries you know but we didn't we didn't actually end up in very obscure places by those standards it was mostly western Europe the UK pre-internet too so you can't just get traveled upon yeah that's that's right that I mean that's it's a whole different scenario now the way that that music's disseminated so yeah yeah do you think it's gotten better or it's gotten worse like in terms of you know what young people experience now with the music industry like was it a bit more innocent and innocuous kind of back then where it was more or less more insular where now you've got you know your music's got a global audience from day dot if you want it to yeah that's right you can kind of make that charge every 20 years yeah it used to be more innocent and insular and whatnot there's I think it's definitely got better for punters no doubt about that there's I mean music's essentially free or it's what is it 10 bucks a month for the yeah yeah entire history of recorded music yeah also we will probably look back on and just go how fucking absurd that is um you know that that idea that it's virtually free um so yeah for punters it's great I think for bands there's there is that thing where you can go direct to a global audience which is is a great thing but there's also the the thing that's missing is the kind of tribal atmosphere yeah that that still existed when we were when we were starting and and through to probably the even the early 2000s I guess and then once playlisting and all the streaming stuff began then the way that people bought and consumed music was is completely different now and and you know I grew up in the 70s and 80s so albums were were king and that's what we were determined to make to make albums where you had a collection of songs that kind of all went together whereas you know these days you'd be you'd be listening to Cindy Lauper and Bon Jovi on the same playlist whereas in in those days that would never have happened because you know you you had your denim jacket your denim vest with with the patch on it you if that if that was you you weren't listening to Cindy Lauper yeah and and your second favorite band was the band that just opened for your favorite band that's exactly right totally right but yeah there's there's a big change in identity isn't it in that in that regard I mean that's a massive rabbit hole as well because identity is a is a very loaded word these days um but localism you know you guys probably did find a good balance between that hyper hyper localized but also hyper isolated you know era of the saints and now and now it's kind of in between that and big sound you've got powder figure you know what I mean yeah yeah I guess and I mean I think I think you guys probably absolutely fucking nailed that with euphoric Queensland memes the idea that we turned you into a martyr yeah yeah and it was genius it was so funny that stuff but just yeah I mean the the kind of idea of powder finger has become quite outsized by virtue of the fact that Brisbane is a one paper town and that contributes really heavily to that that sort of idea doesn't it yeah you've got this new release coming we'll get to that in a second but it is worth mentioning you know the work you guys have done for Brisbane's music scene there's there's a couple venues that a couple of the boys have gotten behind over the years that have you know given Brisbane capacities that they kind of didn't really have at hand there's you know of course the triffid and now festival hall fortitude hall fortitude musical yeah fortitude music hall um was that always something that you'd all talk about I was I think it was always something JC thought about he always had this idea of having a having a uh bar called base camp uh because you know he's a bass player yeah um so that's about as witty as the Beatles yeah that's right um and I think partly because it gives him access to his own bar as well that would have been a big part of it but yeah I mean we were we were very happy to kind of contribute to the idea of of Brisbane being a place that you can be proud of you know that that's where you're from um and a place that you don't leave yeah that's right exactly because that really was the case from from the 60s on when once people had the opportunity to leave they just bailed yeah so unless they were settling into kind of Brisbane suburban life which is also just as valid like most of our parents did but yeah I mean we we always wanted to try and support local bands and all that sort of stuff always trying to have people on the bills that we were playing that that gave them a leg up as well it was kind of a bit self-fulfilling really because you know when Nirvana came out and then Soundgarden and Pearl Jam and all these bands came out of out of Seattle that idea of a scene became a thing yeah that it hadn't necessarily been and so then Custard, Regurgitator, Powderfinger, Screamfeeder whatever Savage Garden to a lesser extent all got lumped in together as a scene like we all hung out together and yeah you know shared girlfriends which yeah yeah which was not the case yeah so that was also that Spirit of the Times thing as well the zeitgeist thing as well that that the media helps to fan that stuff Newcastle gets a bit of that too don't they you know they're all good newie boys oh yeah they're from Newie Newie Screaming Jets down to Silverchair it's the Brisbane of New South Wales yeah just as punchy yeah exactly now I just quickly on your um on on this new release from Powderfinger it's the first edition of the bootlegs which I'm hoping there will be many more can you tell us how this came about because of course this came about um after your small reunion show yeah so where did this new material come from well we had been like just to rewind a bit we'd been getting together and we'd been meeting during the the lockdown stuff on zoom um once a week actually we are the most overmet band in the history of music um it's incredibly anally managed by Paul and and Rach um in in the nicest possible way we'd been getting together because Odyssey number five was having its 20th anniversary in September and we wanted to kind of do something for the release make a good a good bonus disc or whatever so we started about a year before that we started going through all of our stuff we got together and we hung out for a few days at my studio here in Byron and we started to put stuff together and Nick DeDeer who was our producer for most of our records is my partner at the studio and so he started mixing that stuff and initially those songs were going to be bonus material for Odyssey number five yeah called Oddity number five and then we found all this stuff that we'd not so much forgotten about but it just it just hadn't really been considered and it was from right across our career so it's from 98 till till right at the end till the last song we recorded as it came together and as Nick mixed it and we'd also found all this other bonus material for Odyssey number five we realised it was it was better than just a bonus just bonus tracks we wanted to make it into a to an actual record so yeah we just a lot of credit has to go to Nick as well for the way that he put it together and the way that he produced it because I don't think if it was the five of us putting it together we would have put it together in the same way and made it into that record it was good to have someone outside yeah but inside that that was could kind of captain it a little bit because we hadn't really worked together for 10 years either you know since 2010 we hadn't done done much together but we ended up having a it was a really incredibly productive and cooperative and fun time we we all really surprised ourselves because none of that was recorded at the time ready to go onto onto a disc you've yeah it was so so there's the oldest song on that is called rule of thumb which was recorded for the international session yeah as for that for that record but it didn't fit on the record and didn't it wasn't the right the right tune to go on with the rest of the songs just didn't fit so the case for most of them is that they were recorded for album sessions but they there was either another song that kind of pipped it to go on the record that might have been similar or something like that or we we never quite finished it so day by day for example which was the first single off this that was recorded for vulture street right but it was never mixed while we were doing the session we probably said we're not getting close enough with this we will just concentrate on the rest and so we finished all the rest of it and and the other thing is that the the kind of one rule that we had was that it was it was genuinely unreleased that none of this stuff has been heard before we've never played it live right or anything so it's it's they've never been road tested or anything any of these songs so you know in those days we were releasing singles off records and singles had b-sides so we'd have especially on as cds you would have three or four bonus tracks so we would end up with the 12 songs on an album but then probably with an additional 12 b-sides on for each project so but these were just things that had never been quite finished or or were very late in the piece some of it was recorded i think after golden rule which is our last record yeah you know the daybreak is the last song that we actually recorded and that was written the day before the night before kind of the last day of recording right i mean there's a lot of people that might have heard whispers about some of the stuff on here or you know there's going to be a lot of people are excited about this release can you tell us i mean in in this whole scheme it kind of you had to woo up everyone who was thinking that you might be performing at the afl grand final you know with with with all this happening can you tell us how close you've been to doing something like that over the years well we we haven't we haven't even come close i mean we we did the one night lonely thing and that that came out of all of those meetings we were having yeah yeah because we were saying okay we've got these songs should we put should we put something out and we'll we'll use the money we'll donate it to support to support act or whatever and then someone i think it was paul our manager said oh do you want to do a gig you know as a joke yeah we were like oh yeah fuck yeah and then we just thought sort of thought you know what it's so because you know that lockdown time was was weird everyone was doing the weirdest shit really yeah because any other year it would not have happened i can guarantee um so it was just it was just a symptom of that you know um sorry i'm crapping on i can't remember what the question was well i mean in terms of like you know the glorious uh reunion tour or reunion show yeah i mean that that makes sense it was a it was a weird time and it was a everyone was tuned in at home locked in yeah fucking we don't even want to go back there we don't ever want to think about that time um great show though has there ever been talk you know like for example i'd say like 2015 cowboys broncos grand final did someone knock on the door was that like was there ever a was there for a moment or i think no you know what you know when the the most likely time it would have ever happened was about three months after we stopped because the floods happened in britain yeah uh and there was some sort of show or something and um but i i'd already gone yeah yeah i think i'd already gone to spain by then so um yeah it wasn't going to happen but you know even that afl thing it was just so ludicrous yeah because we're not a fucking band like playing you know we're not a band that plays live and there was you know there was a conspiracy between a few journalists and probably some people that were involved in the afl and and also the guy that was booking the afl grand final that wanted to whip up a bit of controversy and and put pressure on us and and we just fucking held a firm line it's just like why don't you get a band like violent so who are actually together and if you know yeah and in town yeah well i don't think that would have moved too many newspapers yeah yeah that's uh you're right about that to go back to uh where this conversation started about unscrupulous journalism yes that's right so i was actually then my next one was going to my next question was going to be entrapment to say something along the lines of if a queensland team makes makes a grand final in the nrl will you guys get back together um because that's the headline well you know what oh the fucking titans have got a show at the eight next year tino oh yeah don't we love tino wasn't that just the sweetest queensland victory the other night too oh my god it was just well from mate of mine was saying the other day he said if there is a god origin is his favorite game yeah and he's a queenslander yeah yeah because it's true it's just it just keeps on giving doesn't it it's amazing particularly because uh the new south wales wins over the years have been so like they carried on at the end of the eight in a row like they carried on the jared hayne was crying and all that kind of stuff but still that was the first match with no fights so that was like it was a hollow win and everything's been a hollow win since then one in a row mate we've got one in a row yeah they got real close to getting a bit of a streak going but they got shut down this year by a bunch of 19 year olds so um yeah maybe maybe titans uh bronco's grand final bernard fanning has said today on the podcast they might come back for the half-time show they do them yeah maybe a couple maybe a couple of us or maybe if the bulls win the shield oh yeah they're a show too but they are a show they are a show for once do you reckon they've been live have they had live music in a shoot shield well they're about to shield well that they're about to if they're about to yeah they should yeah the aspiring cricket journo from brisbane might give them a little bump over the line um thank you for joining us today bernard my pleasure what a great yarn what a great yarn it's great to hear about the life and times and of course it's all paid off you know big sound in brisbane is um the new south by southwest yeah so it is and um yeah and brisbane's entire kind of music and art scenes is much richer for you guys so uh thank you for joining us on the batutah advocate radio show my pleasure thank you fellas it's a great honor and uh tell cogs that the uh checks in the mail for the articles that he wrote for us a couple years ago it's uh still coming okay yeah he's a secret pen name yeah wendell yeah very highbrow yeah yeah no worries boys thanks thanks very much nice talking to you |
cracked | why_people_are_still_playing_destiny_escort_mission | Destiny again? Destiny still!
You usually get bored with a game the minute becomes more gratifying to complain about it online than it is to play. I can do both, but yeah, they got me man. There was a trough for a few weeks where I was over it, but now I am completely back in for some reason. I'm sure it says something awful about my brain or some shit. See, you make fun of my phone games, but this is just as manipulative. You're playing the same level for what, the 30th time?
And what's the hook? What do you get out of it? If I'm lucky, yellow rocket launcher, some black wax, a silk codex, and an urn full of souls. That sounds like Satan's shopping list.
The best loot in the game comes from special missions that don't unlock until after you reach a high enough level, and your level is tied to the gear you have. So it's not just that you want a cool item, it's that until you get it, you literally can't play all the best parts of the game you bought. It's quite an incentive. So these special missions must be pretty easy for you, right?
I mean, at this point, you got to be pretty yoked in this virtual world, you know? Because I'm looking at the real world you and those animals had to go somewhere, man. Well, I'm a female robot in the game, so I'm not sure how I'd get more yoked, but thanks for the crushing blow to my already degraded body image.
Anyway, I don't need muscles, I have light points. Are you good or not? You know, is your character strong or really light or whatever?
Relatively. But the special missions I mentioned have all kinds of modifiers on them to make them super challenging. In the end, it kind of balances out. You're always at a level appropriate to the enemies you're fighting. So the game makes sure that as you repeat levels over and over, at least they always feel roughly the same? No, not just roughly. I've gotten to the point where I know which doors are going to open and release how many enemies of what type.
Then why would you? Look, you'll never understand, just leave me alone.
Okay, how many light points was that? No, that was an orb of light, totally unrelated. To get light points, you have to improve your armor with shards and energy.
How do you get those? Nightfalls and raids, those special modified missions. Wait, I thought that's how you get the weapons and armor. That's how you get everything. So to get the armor, you have to play these special missions, and to get the stuff that actually lets you use the armor, you have to play the same mission.
Got him! Guardian of the Light 167, fogoth the untamed 19. Nice, so what do you get for vaporizing a cyclops? Well, for starters, he's an ogre, not a cyclops. I had to burst into his fortress on the moon and destroy him. It was this whole thing. Peter Dinklage was there, you missed it. He's a space ogre.
And he doesn't give you anything. You get one reward at the end of the mission, like a diploma. I won't know what it is until this lady stops talking and they flash my rewards. On screen, no. Just some strange coins. You use those to buy stuff from a tentacle-faced merchant who shows up on the weekends.
That's great. Please don't elaborate.
Wait, this is the same level you just played? No, this is the modified version. Much more difficult. If I beat this, I have a chance to earn rarer loot.
Just the chance? Space! There's no guarantees, except that Venus is covered in jungles and gravity is apparently the same on every planet.
Okay, are those special missions new every week? Yeah. Kind of? I mean, there's only like six different ones, so it repeats, yes.
Come on, how can you play the same six levels over and over again with absolutely no guarantee that you'll at least get anything you can use? You know, at least when I pay $1.99 for a box of donuts and Simpsons tapped out, you bet your ass I'm getting those donuts. Destiny is an experience, okay? There's no definitive end point.
You don't listen to OK Computer two or three times and then say there, I'm finished. I'm done with that life-changing album. No, you absorb it through endless repetition. Each time you relive it, you find something new to enjoy, like shooting this particular guy in the face. There are more than six songs on OK Computer.
And there will be more than six nightfall strikes. They just added one in January and there's going to be at least one more when the next DLC comes out this summer. So you have to buy more levels? Yeah. Also, any new weapons are on there.
The DLC pretty much makes everything previous to it obsolete. How is this any different from that?
There's no way that's real, man. I feel like you just make s*** up sometimes. Sometimes I do.
Alright, time to swap in my Thunderlord. With that and the active Arkburn, this space ogre isn't going to know what hit him three or four more times. So his weak spot is his giant exposed brain and organs?
Yep. Okay, that checks out. Hey guys, hope you enjoyed that episode of Escort Mission. Greg had to run because he's way too important for any of this and he has like a very high hat, D.Va attitude. So that's some fun behind the scenes info. But please, scroll to the comments below. We want to hear from you whether you got rehooked in Destiny like we did or we should stop talking about this because it's not going to move the needle with our key demo anymore. That would be useful information for us. Thanks for watching, guys. See you next time. |
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cracked | nightcrawler_review_ft_logan_trent_aka_why_are_you_watching | I can't quite figure out how to get that transition all of us awkwardly from the countdown to the thing but hey welcome to crack movie club the show where we do a book club but for movies like books but better I am your host Jordan breeding and I'm by my co-host only one Jesse just me pulling double duty yeah because I'll talk about musicals today yes excellent Ali has flaked once again so we are joined by our guest crack senior editor Logan Trent that Logan hey what's up air horns in the chat air horns so Logan oh actually let me let me do a little housekeeping so we do a thing at the end where if oh we got a banner for housekeeping we do a thing at the end where if anybody has any questions or alternate observations or whatever if they're interesting enough we'll discuss them at the end as well as if you have a different title like an alternate title instead of Nightcrawler which is what we watched this week we will discuss whether those are worthwhile as well so all that said I'm gonna recap this movie we watch 2014's Nightcrawler with Jake Gyllenhaal being a creepy little weirdo hence the title and all right so as Logan put it before we went on air it's basically the story of a young down on his luck plucky soon-to-be journalist who works his way up through the ranks gets a girlfriend make some friends solve some crimes really and just overall you know learns how to make it in America he really achieves the American dream but of course he's also creepy little weirdo and he's he puts the change he wants to see in the world out there he does he yeah nice camera he sees a watch on I guess it's a cop and he says well it's clearly a personal security card thing because he points out I tried that job earlier and then so you know if you haven't seen it watch it and come back because we're gonna spoil some stuff speaking of Logan why did we watch this of all the movies in the world why this movie this movie is a great movie but it's in that weird genre of film that has somehow become dated almost within like a year of its release like you see this with a lot of films where it just pops out and it's kind of zeitgeisty and it's like oh yeah this really has a real connection to this certain era of period and then it just kind of gets the shelf life is very short there this movie usually is kind of protected from that because it's a neo-noir type film and it's really more about just the industry and stuff but for some reason just because of the way that we kind of change with like media stuff it actually falls into that other category in a way that I don't think anybody making it thought it would like with like say social network or other movies where it's very connected to a zeitgeist thing so it's kind of interesting to look at it back from there because I think Jordan you said you also had seen this like when it came out and Jesse I think this is your first time so I'm kind of interested in getting your views on the dated aspects right now so yeah I think it's worth I think it's worth discussing what when you say it's dated so so just to clarify on that recap the whole the premise is actually Jake Gyllenhaal is a stringer or he becomes a stringer which is to say he's basically an ambulance chaser but instead of a lawyer he's he's the guy with the camera and so he every time he hears like somebody's crashed he'll run up with a camera and try and film it and then sell that to a bunch of news stations for their morning news because they find if it bleeds it leads and so he quickly ascends and makes a lot of money because he's so he has no scruples he has no morals he'll like see a body laying in the street and he'll get there before the cops and he'll move it so that there's better lighting and he'll film it and so he'll get these really rad shots of dead bodies and and stuff like that and ultimately it culminates in him encountering an active crime scene sneaking into the house filming dead bodies all this stuff and then withholding information about who the killers are so that he could stage that shootout essentially by calling it in at an opportune time and getting all that footage so he's not a good dude that's to go back to the watch thing like that's one of the things that I like and I think and they said it was purposefully done they establish him in the beginning before he does any of this you see him stealing copper and a fence and manhole covers so they could sell them to construction places and he just beats the holy hell out of a security guard to confronts him just to steal his watch and it's a really good set point because it establishes that like oh this isn't a man who's like losing himself while he's getting rich in the darkness is like oh no he's always been kind of a shady and scrupulous person he just kind of a piece of shit so right I kind of like that they don't try to do that like oh the game changed him type of perspective with this it's just no he's just a monster like yeah right so alright but we're talking about dated you know the originally the idea that I think was really good is is yeah this whole idea this this symbiotic relationship is what the director keeps saying between sensationalist media and consumers and the more that we heighten it the more we consume it and it just creates it just this rage monster I think those things are still relatively I was gonna say in in 2015 those things stopped happening the echo chamber was pierced and and everybody got good accurate information starting the next year yeah so I actually I'm just really curious Logan when you say it's dated even before I want to before we get to what Jesse's gonna say I'm just curious what you think feels dated like specifically because some of it feels still job in general if he's doing private journalism like that where he's just scrolling to scenes and stuff he would not be doing just settling for local news station on LA he would be having his own patreon and doing the straight-up grifter stuff because again this guy doesn't care about that he has no scruples he just wants something that he can you know flourish in and get paid for so this really is the type of thing that comes out before you fully get established with the kind of grifter gonzo journalism that is just kind of commonplace now yeah and everything he does there from like the shadiness the questionable ethics the screwing around with crime scenes the presenting himself as part of the story with that type of thing it's that really does speak to like kind of the change in the types of things because when you watch it they're presenting it like oh look this is kind of disturbing this is like this and now I can think of at least like three people who are regulars on like Twitter in every type of rage sphere thing who do this on like daily basis and have made a good living off of it so that's what I mean by like it's dated in terms of it feels really fresh when it came out but then just in the almost immediate backlash with the type of things that happened to journalism and media in the ensuing years it kind of just changes in a way that I really don't think anybody envisioned when they were making this as opposed to like a period piece or something that was completely zeitgeisty so that's the dated stuff there and so what do you think Jesse as as a new watcher how does it feel not dated how does it feel accurate even now yeah or whatever I mean it definitely it definitely struck me as like even though the technology aspect is a little bit off like even to the point where he's like do you have a phone does it have GPS on it right yeah yeah yeah we got we all got that yeah besides that I think really just the themes of the media is gonna give the public whatever the public will eat up and it's and there's only these like unwritten rules keeping big media from just like drumming up as much red meat as possible to throw in our faces and if that like if if one person just doesn't care enough one or two people then we that's when you just have this like perfect echo chamber that just evolves into madness so to me it actually didn't seem dated it seemed like this is like an allegory it could have been a modern allegory for like Q anon or for you know OAN and the rise of those sorts of things yeah we're gonna say Logan yeah no one I need to clarify with like like I said with the dated I just mean like of aspects of it not the premise of him being unscrupulous and going through all of these things timeless right timeless story of somebody being a piece of shit so I do love I do love the idea of like the thought exercise of like what would this character do now in 2022 you know well yeah and I think so I think the thing that becomes dated about it too I mean the fact that anybody watches the news at all is maybe a little dated like what this the modern version of this some people are pointing out like Twitter everybody has a cell phone everybody has access to social media this is more like the the shooters live-streaming from their phone or whatever that Facebook picks up in the algorithm and promotes to everybody in the frickin world even though it's truly horrific shit it takes them like an hour to say all right we won't show an actual snuff film but did you see the engagement Wow and so I think I think yeah like thematically it's accurate but you're right like a dude having to drive real fast with his car to get to it to a crime scene to film it to drive back to sell to somebody that whole thing is it's also not very fun to think of like it's just some dude named Jeff who just happens to show up at every crime scene is like oh sick or whatever but you know like an example that's really close to to my life and something that happened only a couple years later was so the Charlottesville riots I live in Charlottesville I was there I was excuse me I was rioting no I was I was gonna write an article for paste and so they commissioned me to do it anyway obviously the the the car that hit Heather higher like that was taken from a million angles like people had been filming that because people were filming everything that day everybody had a phone and there was no there's no world in which a stringer right like runs down there and gets good footage now granted it was an extremely public event and and it was in the middle of the freaking day which is insane but like you were saying a lot of that footage was taken by God so journalists doing it independently for that which is where he would be he would already have been there and just grabbing that and probably causing like probably setting things up so that there was an incident where people got into a fight I mean it would have been hard but like he would definitely be porter stuff yeah yeah I think he probably would have been in like the group chats and the discourse or whatever with like the Proud Boys you know he would very easily I think embed himself the way like saying the modern like the most recent Joker had his like his little patreon of like 500 little redler local freaks oh yeah yeah like I think one without the basement right right I think this I think that this guy would have been like oh this is easy I'm just gonna I'm just gonna act like I'm a cuz I think he's a sociopath and doesn't really take sides on things like that but I think he would easily pretend that he's like you know a white supremacist just so he could get into the group chats sure yeah I mean he would probably be on both sides right like he would be yeah he would be like pushing the barricades aside so people could get in there and he would be in both chats were like or he'd yell gun or something so that all those people with guns would just start I don't even think he would be like in the chats and stuff like as part like I don't think he would be as visible like I think he would just be kind of like prodding things anonymously to kind of get that through there and then you were bringing up Charlottesville there's also another striking scene with like modern connection too because midway through the movie there's a private plane crash and it's a race between them and Bill Paxson's character to try to go get footage and everything of like oh these survivors from this plane crash it's horrible and everyone's talking about it it's kind of presented as like oh they're so gross for going in there Kobe died like two years ago in a helicopter crash and one of the biggest stories that came out was his wife being absolutely furious that one of the cops on the scene was recording it with his cell phone and trying to show it off in a bar to pick up chicks so that's what I mean by like in terms of dated there's like a dated novelty to like the extremes of viral video and just like the preciousness of like oh no this is so disturbing and then it's like oh it's gonna get so much worse yeah yeah it's like nobody could imagine nobody could imagine that like horrific footage could reach the same heights as keyboard cat yeah but like the big 2014 meme was and as soon as that damn broke it was like well it's all over yeah and that's it's interesting to talking about it as a period piece or what have you you know he came up with this idea in 1988 uh for this movie he came up with it well well before smartphones well before this profession existed since prohibition because like the original guy with this was a dude who was in the 30s and he just grabbed a police scanner and he started doing that and that's where I think the initial inspiration came from so is it a guy named Ouija are we I think it's Waluigi yeah but yeah this this story was originally written it was supposed to be like a biography about this one particular photographer from New York who didn't think exactly what you're talking about this whole thing yeah yeah he's the first one to be like oh cops go to bad places people like to look at bad places yeah tag along and uh you know it's interesting too again like some some sort of modern analogy for it is is less even footage based and more just like the constant rage stories or whatever like you know the the the quote unquote trump bump where it was like the the biggest thing was just trying to share as many crazy sounding stories as possible over and over forever and ever and actually you could see it now there's some there's some thing that was running on twitter that was like oh uh it was revealed that trump wanted to shoot protesters in the legs or something during the black lives matter thing and it's like that's a thing that was leaked when it happened or whatever like that came out like two three years ago but this guy's like no no no but i put it in my book which you should buy and it's like always trying to use these are you mad because you should read things oh that's there's a bunch because i think that's come up a lot during the trump book era where you've heard of like access journalism and stuff and even somebody like um shoot uh burn state no was it wood word or burn state one of those two had a book where he was holding stuff back during covid and there's been a huge hubbub about like people holding facts back just so that they could publish the book and people are being outraged with that and it kind of like i mentioned this goes back to him he would be perfectly in line with like weird shady ethics in just kind of journalistic outposts yeah yeah in modern era so and so yeah yeah just to talk about that scene in the movie to tie it back to specifically what is shown so again he he he arrives at a crime scene it's a triple homicide he sees the two guys drive away and he gets out he gets their license plate number he gets the identity of the men and he finds a way he just trails them until they're in a very public place and he calls the cops anonymously and then he sets up his cameras and what ultimately results is uh i think it's like four deaths like eight people wounded it's yeah he calls them up yeah he calls them up and says that it's him so they could set up his alibi later which is just weird chess moves oh you're right it's not anonymously you're right you're right yeah no so like four cops get shot um both of the suspects die and then uh riz Ahmed gets shot in the chest like 60 times when he uh goes to confront it and it's just a complete clusterfuck but in the perfect way to establish the story that he's trying to create and you see it at the end not only does he sell this money for a bunch of or not only does he sell all this footage for a bunch of money but he also gets a fifty thousand dollar reward for finding the criminals which is right oh i think that's very funny yeah riz asks like what's the reward for this he's like 50 grand that's how he gets the uh helps get the vans later on yeah and that's the thing too it's you know it'd be interesting to see night crawler too in part because what's he gonna stage next like the the problem with the way that he's doing this is i mean i guess you know he'll continue to exist on just normal crashes and stuff but it's like at a certain point you have to what like plan a coup like to overthrow the government and this is the dated aspect falling back in because it presents it and Gilroy says this um when he's talking about writing the screenplay the ending shot is the two vans splitting off directions and going out there and he tries to present lu as a virus throughout the movie so the vans represent going through the veins of the city except here's the thing within two or three years journalism's going to be broken and you're not going to be able to afford like three vans or anything like that so he's going to be like the that is form of that industry he would want to be toning that shit down so yeah he but he like uses the reward money to buy a printing press yeah that's interesting too because now there's more viruses he's just the first one and there's going to be worse variants as soon as other assholes catch on yeah he's going to go ahead jordan i was just going to say he's going to end up spending most of his time trying to stage accidents to kill every like twitter user that uploads footage like he does i mean one of the ways that he ends up being successful is uh bill pakston plays a competing stringer and he is the one that arrives at the plane crash and all the stuff so he gets the really high end footage and so he he legitimately i i don't know exactly what he does because i don't know anything about cars but he does something to his heart like yeah oh he cuts his brakes yeah that's what i assumed that's the back out of the driveway he would just crash into his crash whatever he does yeah uh bill pakston ends up crashing into a light pole and then uh he's there to film jake jill and hall's character is there to film him bleeding out essentially and so that's one of the ways that he opens up the city for himself so the whole next movie is just gonna have to he's gonna have to kill 90 of los angeles populace and film it just to like feed the beast i suppose sorry what are you gonna say it's just gta it's the next movie he's turned the entire city into gta yeah so um yeah along with like the virus stuff like you can kind of see him infecting others just throughout the movie but also like um he has a lot of scavenger aspects to him because everything he gets is by kind of just like he originally gets it from bill pulmon he's like oh what are you doing he just kind of follows him back to his van and gets the info little by little just piece mailed and like the way like you would never rethink of this conversation ever again because it's just like oh yeah we just got this blah blah i'm out of here and that just cultivates his entire business plan then later on he's following that other journalist the entire way to his car and then that guy realizes and yells at him but during that time he realizes how to sell video to that so you keep seeing him have these little like scavenger like coyote moments or like just doing that and gradually he just builds his way up into a bigger virus a bigger virus and he just starts infecting everything around him and it's just funny to me like i said that this is in an industry that's really going to change and probably die off so i don't think that they knew that that was going to happen when they were filming it so i thought that they think i thought that the ending was supposed to be more hard hitting than they were going to establish and it kind of goes it's like oh yeah he's not he's going to run out of money to pay for that crew in like six months because facebook is just going to destroy you so the ending the ending is basically just like and now he's the king of this very stable environment yeah yeah the ending of it now he would be filming videos like my day driving on the 405 was so horrible and then it's just a car flipping over seven times on tiktok and that's it like yeah with it with the track behind it if somebody wheezes laughing for whatever reason that's on all the good tiktoks but i think also because he's a handsome guy and he's charming as hell and he specifically made a point to meet everybody in the studio i think probably what he's doing that he's probably an anchor somewhere now at um what's the big what's that huge like evil conglomerate that owns like 80 of all local news channels now sinclair sinclair yeah he would definitely be like a big sinclair broadcaster guy or he'd be an executive or something yeah yeah i think um and on the scavenger thing so you know that is something that they expressly said that he's kind of like a coyote he's a scavenger and as we already mentioned the very first scene well the very first scene is him stealing a chain link fence to go sell to a to a business site like he's he literally is just scavenging for raw materials to sell and actually he ends up uh asking the guy uh the construction head i don't know anything that either yeah um you know like can i get a job can i do an internship and he's like we're not gonna hire a thief yeah he's like okay well then i'll find a job where that's okay no he says like excellent point like yeah and it's like yeah he's kind of like nice gotcha well because that's uh that's the oh and the other thing is that jake jillin hall of his own volition lost 30 pounds for this movie and nobody asked him to do it and a lot of and a lot of the people were like uh i don't know we didn't really hire you to be yucky necessarily i i think it works he looks just so hungry not sleazy he just looks starving and ravenous like it's just yeah he's got the big creepy jake energy which is the base the best jake jillin hall energy well and he's got those big crazy eyes anyway so the less space he has the the the bigger and crazier they get i was just thinking of you know other examples of him doing that recently uh you know there was oak jaw where he did all that crazy stuff you know he's been nuts in a lot of movies but i think my favorite one is have you seen um uh john melaney's uh sack bunch sack lunch bunch yeah yeah where he plays mr music he's mr music oh my gosh that's like my favorite thing in the world is him just like you can make music out of anything and he couldn't get it to work and so he just gets angry and angrier that's the sequel to night crawlers that's how he tries to get his his uh content now because he can't string anymore he's got to be the music man on the internet on tick tock it's very much the robert patterson energy of like they just look handsome and stuff but man they're so much better when they're just like 10 pounds down and you can see their eyes bug in and they look like they're gonna like stab you at any given like imagine if you're that security guard what's more terrifying than like a sweaty like serpent looking jake jillin hall just striking at you in the middle of the night and he stole your watch like how do you go on after that like you are definitely having ptsd there yeah is that he's dead yeah i think he's dead i thought he killed him um questionable because we don't actually see him we don't see him actually kill anyone he'll set people up to get murdered but they never really establish most of his crimes honestly aren't established even the disturbing sex pest thing not sex pest just blackmailing into sex that's implied with renee russo you never see them make physical contact beyond just like an initial handshake so right i think that a lot of that is just kind of fill the blanks things there i wouldn't be surprised either way but i think you would have heard more like of a story of like if uh security guard had been murdered or something that's just same place i think that i was i was expecting to hear more the whole time and actually the whole movie this is a running theme where i sometimes think i'm watching a completely different movie than i actually am i thought this movie was about him becoming like a serial killer so that he could be the first on the scene to film these things yeah no he's just a shit he's just a monster from the beginning and he remains a monster and he's honest to himself the entire time like that's one of the greatest parts of the riz Ahmed conversation later on is when he's like you don't understand people you don't get like that they have feelings and all this and then he just drops the bomb he's like did you ever think that i understand people and i just don't like them and that kind of just establishes everything about the character because like you were saying the whole time you're thinking like oh is he does he just not understand things is he socially awkward it's like no he just doesn't care about dealing with humanity that was so chilling that moment because when when the dude when his assistant like said that he's like this is the problem you don't treat people like they're humans i was like yeah i get that i know people like that and then he quickly turns around he's like if you want me to treat you like a human i just want you to know that means i'm probably going to kill you because i hate humans yes so like that's the moment you get out of the car immediately that's just bad situational awareness but i mean they kind of imply that riz Ahmed has some issues in terms of like drugs and possibly homelessness and things that kind of have him in this manipulative relationship with Jake and the one time he sticks up for himself he gets shot five times in the chest well he's also he the first time he meets him he does this thing uh throughout the movie he calls himself Lou to everybody to kind of endear himself and make a nickname and the first time that riz tries to say lou he corrects him and tells him louis to kind of put him in like a i'm your boss establishing things so there's a lot of mental manipulation going on there and it's just because he literally doesn't really give a shit about human beings he doesn't care well and i think so uh about the riz thing he he did apparently visit some homeless shelters and stuff to try and get a sense of that desperation that you might have um and and that like why would you continue to work this job for 30 dollars a night which is awful um but that's part of it right it's it's just it's something and it's going somewhere it's steady and whatever um but also uh i was gonna say i feel like that's the other half of this right is it sort of a broad metaphor i i would say jake in some in some ways his character lou is just sort of like unfettered capitalism at its worst you know like the really bad version of it where it doesn't care about humans um it's just whatever sells regardless of whether it's good or bad for society and uh yeah just you know he's whole the whole time and i think this is where uh you know it's jake jill and hall claims that he and the director were laughing while they filmed this like the whole time they thought it was really funny and i think a lot of it comes from he's essentially like a a business a walking business class he's always giving business tips he's always saying like uh like leadership advice essentially like here's how you make your way in the workplace the modern workplace here's what you gotta do kid and it just it's like not inaccurate most of the time it's just that the way that he applies it feels so awful but i think the point is to say hey these are this is like the true end result of these these ideals or whatever like you're actually gonna follow this you see it with his dealings with everyone because he has no compromise right like and he point blank says that every single time because what he deals with is a variety of people who are in desperate situations riz Ahmed is desperate he's living in a garage he wants that so he deals with him and he offers him the absolute minimum and that's it meanwhile he has Renee uh Renee Russo she's very desperate to keep her job he points out point blank this is what's happening this is how much i can get you you're on your contract and he just has no bend or break there later on Bill Paxson comes up to him offers him complete 50-50 split out of the desperation that he doesn't want to lose this type of deal with him and then he just says i don't care i can't tell you how let me put this in the most point blank things i do not want to do this idea and he just never compromises on that at any point when he's given that opportunity because again he doesn't care about people he just cares about what he wants he's a shark for the most part so yeah gotta eat yeah yeah and then i also thought it was possibly going to be a turning point after he turns Bill Paxson down in the most like the most stark way possible and then Bill Paxson immediately comes back and he's he gets the better of him like he gets the jump on a huge story um and i don't know i i didn't actually think that this character in this movie was going to have some sort of compromise to him but it did surprise me how he got back up on top which was to sabotage this guy and eventually be the one in his face with the camera as it's getting loaded into the into the ambulance right because that's that's the thing right it's not about being the best per se um you know he does seem to have some skill uh he he you know can do whatever it's literally the last line of the movie i wouldn't have you do anything that i wouldn't do like flat out tells his new crew that that's that's the core of it and yeah and the secret to him getting ahead is is is truly less about uh yeah his ability like the time that he spent working on his craft or whatever and only about his unwillingness to compromise to go as far as he physically can and that's part of the thing right David Williamson keeps pointing out there's some Donald Trump comparisons it's a little bit of that thing right where um Trump has said things to the effect of um you know uh people who are like well you should release your tax returns you didn't pay your taxes he's like no i just exploited loopholes and people are like oh that is cool good job it's like yeah i guess the difference with Trump and him is that Lou is completely aware and that's sure problem is that like like you think that he's kind of a little oblivious in certain parts and maybe he's just like oh he's getting caught up but then he says no i'm aware of this at just yeah so it's there's a difference there where it's just like the shock of oh this guy just is a monster like you think he's a monster but then you see the levels are just there's even more below there of how dark and how deep he can get there and there go ahead Jesse i was just gonna say that before we get too far off of these like the existing billionaire millionaire megalomaniacs this guy is different from like the Donald Trump's or like the Elon Musk's i feel like that's gonna start a storm in the comments but uh they came from money and and the fact that they're so singularly focused and on only accepting what they want is because that's what they've gotten their whole lives because they're rich as hell this guy comes from as far as we know he comes from trying to sell three feet of chain link fence for fifteen dollars you know right so he develops any skill that's necessary he like you know goes out and scavenges these skills like a little raccoon to to become successful which is again you know not to make everything about capitalism but that is like what people are told to do right if you're not successful then like just get good at something and do it and you'll make money and it'll be great it's just that sometimes the most effective way to do that might be to stage a crime or something it's not even the main difference there is that he's not driven by ego it's driven entirely by ambition and you kind of get that also from he purposefully sets it up when he starts negotiating terms he doesn't say like oh this was brought to us by lu who got us listening he tells them the news anchors to say this is by what is it like video production service video production studios a professional news agency because he doesn't care about the egotist part he just wants his ambitions to be fulfilled so there's a difference there where like a lot of times with like rich and billionaire stuff you're kind of getting the oh i want my name and spotlight and that type of thing he just wants unfettered success and he doesn't really care if his name's there he just wants to have the money he wants to have that he even talks with renee russo because he could be using this to kind of like manipulate an intern to sleeping with him and stuff but he's like ah my work and that thing i don't like those but that makes it weird to have relationships especially the physical part so even with that he literally just wants a physical relationship out of there so it's not so much ego it's just the base nature of filling his animalistic needs and that's kind of the separation with like say a musk or like a trump where there's a lot of ego involved there it's kind of scarier so yeah yeah right um cool so uh one of the only other things i wanted to mention was so this movie was nominated for best original screenplay it's one of these indie movies that they made on eight and a half million dollar budget which sounds like a lot but it's not and um they filmed in like 80 locations they had to film at night they said they almost ran out of time they took it as like a personal challenge to actually get the movie made and all this stuff and uh when they they aired like an unfinished version at con can con it's french at the film festival and they uh canny's and they they had a bidding war and all this stuff and it ended up making 50 something million dollars it's kind of uh one of these i don't know prototypical indie movie successes uh that they made on a low budget kind of like i don't know a get out or or any sort of a24 stuff that does well and i just think it's really interesting that people watch this movie i mean i think it's really good i think you know the cinematography is awesome the story is really compelling jake jillan hall is awesome the reason that people watched it in a lot of ways i don't know if you guys read into any of this they did a like crazy viral marketing strategy where they like created resumes for him and like released a bunch of crazy clips and stuff like that i it's amazing it's surprising to me that they don't we don't do that more with movies still it just feels like every time you hear about like a blair witch project or something or a clover field it's always like oh we had a really interesting marketing strategy as opposed to for example the north the northman is going to lose a ton of money probably and because people are not going to watch 200 million dollars worth of this viking man killing people and it's like should they have done something should they have staged a viking attack i don't know what you do but i was curious when i read that they did these like craigslist things and like you know these video reels did they work or was it just something that like a marketing agency was like we got a great idea have you ever heard of craigslist you know yeah this i don't know this really felt more um this was a heavy industry type buzz thing like it was actually it's legitimately surprising that jake did not get a academy award nomination because he was nominated for like every single acting award and i forget where i read this but it was like he hit all of the points that you would want to hit during nomination season for various awards from like critics and things and he's one of like only i think eight actors who hit those bench points and was not nominated for an academy award which is even weirder considering that the script was nominated for i mean it's a great script don't get me wrong oh yeah but yeah you feel like he would have had that type of love there i kind of wish i had checked up which uh actors got nominated that year but yeah you're right i think a lot of the power of this movie was having jake jill and hall on board and he was he was like a big part of like he took on a lot of the production of it like he even like he hired a lot of the crew he was just really hands-on so i think it was the fact that this was his baby that people were like all right give it a shot also this was during the beginning donning era of uh neo noir or neon uh noir so like you know this was around the era of like drive starting to get mainstream buzz and like other nicholas winding ref in movies and that and it's kind of like a predecessor to that type of thing that we see a lot in modern days so it's kind of had this fresh feel compared to a lot of other films that probably would have taken a different angle in terms of like direction so there's a lot of interesting stuff there um i will say this this has nothing to do with anything but you were talking about like all the skills he learned has anyone learned how to edit video quicker in human history than jake jill and hall did because it's like he sells that first video and he has no idea then he takes like two hours on google and suddenly he's doing like jay cuts and like just all this stuff in there it's just amazing like yeah i'd love to know how that works i'd love to see a cut of like this brutal murder footage but with like star wipes and because he has no idea he's like making an eye movie yeah yeah page peels yeah like little like jingly like ukulele background music yeah no so i mean that like i said if he did it at modern times he probably would have had that stuff and been like the biggest tiktok person like he would be doing videos with jake ball by now it is yeah it is amazing that any of his footage like any of these guys footage is ever usable he gets he does get surprisingly i think accurate when he gets the big camera of like holding it by the handle keeping it steady but definitely the beginning where he's got that freaking handheld i'm like there's this is it it's also this movie takes place in an alternate universe where the la pd is very tolerant about being recorded at all times yeah that is the only time they're ever upset is if he's potentially harming the victim or their family yeah if he was worried about me he would have been taking a baton to the face within like five seconds of arriving at a crime scene with a camera in their face so i am so i don't know anything uh as we're establishing on this particular podcast but like are you allowed to chase a cop car chasing the car who's gonna not be the cops that can't pass that's i've seen people try to do that to get through a red light before because yeah just seeing scummy people but like yeah there is a lot of just hand waving to the numerous things that he would have gotten arrested for in terms of that and like other things but cops will let a cops will let an amber alert go if you try and follow them through a red light they're gonna stop and they're gonna get you i mean i didn't expect him to turn around i just i just when did he pick stunt driving lessons because he's just right dude it's great appeal that is some toretto level just like avoiding an accident right well what do you think his previous career was because we're catching him right at the beginning of a new career that he picks up within days so what do you think like before this maybe he was like uh bike like a bike messenger this goes back to the um this kind of goes back to the neon noir thing like with driver and stuff he's just ethereal he just appears and that's it and they kind of they said that they purposely set that up as a point when creating the character because they didn't want to establish some trauma or anything like that he's just he was a monster probably when he was a kid or had some weird things with that and he just became a weirdo as an adult and just he's probably been going from scheme to scheme and this is the one that finally you know he found what he was good at being a scumbag yeah yeah that's like me and making dick joke videos yeah this movie's perfectly cast by the way oh yeah like i can't think of one aspect of this movie where i would like even somebody like kevin rom who um kevin rom's from madman he plays uh renee russo's um not superior but like her editor over at the news thing like oh yeah yeah even like bit rolls like that they just perfectly nail like who they need in that like i can't think of one like part of the film where it's like ah this person didn't bring their egg game just yeah so yeah just want to give a shout out to that yeah no yeah i think all the way through it's it's a really good movie i yeah it is interesting that it's like oh you probably should have gone 10 times harder with the future in mind recognizing that this becomes pretty rote at a certain point um cool any other thoughts or we want to we want to throw it to the to the unwashed masses and see what they think yeah yeah let's give them time to wash up sorry go ahead i wanted to yeah this movie has weird sports movie vibes i kind of yeah so when you watch this movie it opens with like establishing shots of just like where the field of play is going to be all over la and it also has this like kind of explosions in the sky guitar rhythm going on there right so following that you get him kind of having like a mentor who introduces him to his new job slash sport which is going to be journalism bill paxson but it's done in the way that's just completely not traditional in a sports movie so he just doesn't really like him he doesn't even give him any guidance and then later on you know usually you'll have like mick have a heart attack in the middle of a rocky fight or somebody gets that he cuts the brakes on his car and lets him crash head first into a light pole so that's his thing there you get montages of him getting gradually better at his job to the point where he gets that souped up charger and he's actually doing all of this stuff there so he's starting to get to his high point he has the love interest who's kind of more into the industry and kind of he usually that would be kind of like the oh she brought the best out of me instead he's just forcing her into a weird sexual contract which at the end she kind of seems not into but she seems to have a respect for him on some level because yeah start to stand up for him for no reason when he's not even in a room yeah that part is very similar to the blind side for me yes sandra bullock and her michael yeah yeah they their relationship was pretty hot too if i'm not mistaken so you get all of that and then it ends with just him being at the top of his game and just you know taking over his industry and stuff so i can see why jake and um um shoot uh it's not it's like it's dan gillroy it's not the other one yeah because there's a bunch of gillroy's yeah dan gillroy's brother um did the born identity movies and born supremacy so yeah but uh you can see why gillroy and jake were like kind of laughing in this because if you look at it from a certain perspective it's a very like uplifting movie about a man reaching his goals and accomplishments it just like you just have to overlook every single terrible aspect that he did to get there so it's kind of like inspirational citizen cane i yeah they said uh they said you know people don't make enough or not enough no people don't tend to make anti-hero movies where the bad guy wins outright and it's just like yay and they intentionally did stuff with the score like when he is moving that dead body at that accident the score under it is kind of triumphant like oh this is going to be a great moment yeah he figured it out yeah and you're like this is a crime even the final chase has the same uh patterns and rhythms to like the final game in a movie like you even have that like defining moment of the crash that's almost exactly like a home run slam or anything like that he just like he takes that victory laugh and it's just like we did it yeah and yeah and and it's very much his attitude every time he like comes up with a big win is like i knew i could do it like he's not celebrating he's not surprised he's just like it's still business as usual yeah it's just the fist pump and then going on yeah uh we had a good we had a good uh crime that we set up but you know we're gonna look at the game plan we're gonna look back at film uh we're gonna go back to the house because you know you can't get rested on the laurels we got another murder that we got next week that we got to set up there you know just you know one video at a time coaches really kept us in the game so it's like yeah it's kind of a weird thing oh one thing i noticed he spends an abnormally like he spends so much time learning police codes where he's like listening to there it's like bro you could just google that like even then you could have googled that you're just like yeah yeah that was not like yeah that was a very easy to uh do task there but you know yeah i feel like he's uh he's an ask jeeves guy he's a he did use uh search.com or whatever in the movie because did he use like a fake search engine yeah yeah which is something they always do actually there's uh i i want to do your brain uncracked about horror tropes and one of my favorite ones is that most modern horror movies they they they try and google what the problem is they're like freaky girl in my bathroom but it's always yeah on like you know uh search blast.edu the only exception for that is if it's made by columbia or sony pictures because then they'll awkwardly throw in bing and you're like okay nice like in those in the amazing spider-man movies he's using bing for everything and it's like okay come on i love that you gotta that's not happening you gotta bing it bro how are you they had that we have a video of that we made fun of that for i think it was um hawaii 5-0 where there's literally a scene that's complete uh product placement where the guy tells the woman just oh bing it she's like what you know bing it and then they show her phone and she's literally typing it into bing and it's just the most awkward transition but that's amazing yeah that's what you get when you don't use google and you're owned by sony so yeah that's fantastic all right unwashed masses let's see what you got for us um this is the movie where jake jillin hall lost too much weight and he hasn't looked the same sense fine that's not true because he gained that stuff back for when he did the boxing movie although that might have been after this was that before or after this jake jillin hall boxing yeah uh it that is an e15 yeah that was like the next year so yeah so he gained all of that and more back he's he got swole so well his face didn't get swole enough for this guy um parallax but with a bunch of four says that jake jillin hall is criminally underrated i don't know if he's criminally underrated i think a lot of people like him but um yeah he could be more stuff i guess um bren kelly points out that he is very different from this than he was in the sack lunch punch okay uh austin snyder on facebook said i'm really surprised this movie hasn't had a resurgence on netflix um given that it's it you know like what we've been saying that the people yelling about fake news all the time and that's you know the the fake news moment in particular is uh the whole main crime uh is happens in some really nice suburban home which is really exciting because when rich white people die they're able to say oh my god the crime is on your doorstep other rich white people who watch tv who watch cable news and um they learn kind of before they they hit the air it's like oh it's like a drug thing they had like crack in there or something and she's like yeah we'll talk about that later uh we're gonna stick to the to the sexy uh white people getting killed just for being nice rich people as opposed to them being actual drug dealers and so um i'm not surprised that it hasn't had that big of a resurgence because this also suffers from like i gonna compare it to drive because it's probably its most contemporary thing but um with drive when the marketing for that came out like people were upset that there weren't more car scenes in there like a fast and furious film and i think that this um suffers not in a bad way but just uh in terms of expectations they go to very dark places and there's no moment of catharsis where he gets his comeuppance it's a very kind of like bleak and like that type of thing and that generally is not going to be popping up as much for like you know resurgence things outside of like the oh this was overlooked let's go you know i'm like a podcast like this we're like oh let's see how this aged or something like there so this is definitely one of the gems in his uh acting reel but like i think more people have probably seen that meme of him being like oh it must be friday with the tie that people put on like twitter responses than have actually seen this movie he it did get like a b-minus from audience polls like they liked it fine but it's not one and i'll admit when anna and i saw it in theaters we walked down we're like i thought it was gonna be a thriller i thought that was gonna be like oh when are they gonna make avatar 2 that's exactly what we say we say that after every movie we're just like why is this not avatar 2 i went in expecting it to be but it was what if the movie had ended with him revealing that he was a navi and that was like his highest group um i don't think i would like it yes so i i just want to say quickly a reason why i'm not surprised that this hasn't had a resurgence is that yeah people love to bemoan fake news but one of the main points of this movie is that the audience is complicit in that whole ecosystem and people don't really want to grapple with that people just want to say oh big media is feeding me garbage but like they're feeding it to you because you want to eat that up all day long right yeah yeah that's a good point um stephen guy says it should be disturbing but i don't know what that was in reference to but he does say stephen guy says cell phones have ruined so many movie plots that should be a cracked article it probably has been we could do it again sometime we've probably done it a hundred times but uh it's still true cell phones they ruined our favorite films uh even movies with cell phones because they've like this they have cell phones and they're using them it's just the technology is literally he could do everything he does with like a decent iphone and kind of a one of those like uh filter not filtered uh lens packages you get online and just do all the work that he's doing instead of investing in those cameras later on yeah um david williamson says we don't need a night crawling anymore i was present for a shooting a while ago and people didn't run they took out their phones which yeah and see even if first off i'm glad that you're okay but like yeah you see this pop up numerous times during tragedies and stuff like you mentioned the charlotsville angles and all that there so that's what i'm talking about by just like it's the themes in the movie don't age poorly but just the setting of it is just incredibly strange and i don't think anyone foresaw that so yeah yeah um stephen guy also says this is back to the kobe thing imagine being imagine being so impressed with grisly cell phone footage that you let a guy bone you which is a good point it's hard to imagine that being a great pickup line the cop who had the helicopter yeah for the record i believe that it did not work thankfully and then i believe that Vanessa bryant uh got that footage back and maybe got that caught fired she has been very adamant because you know that's her husband and daughter who died in there about just the gross way that people were handling footage with that stuff and there's some really gross details in there so it just kind of struck me as again a weird thing with that helicopter or with the uh private plane thing just yeah right um bella legosi says that stephen king had a tv movie in the 90s called night flyer about a paparazzi who altered scenes to get better pictures it's a terrible movie but the vampire stuff is allegorical so i guess it is stephen king there are vampires so i guess you can watch that stephen guy again says you should make night crawler into a twitch live streamer i think facebook live works well enough um fade dragon here says he's jill and hall is pretty unhinged in ambulance um and saying jill and hall's the best jill and hall i haven't seen that i really wanted to but it went out of theaters really really fast so it probably would have been similar he's now in the ambulance being chased wow that's the sequel jake jill and hall job for this jake he has a lot of business ideas and a lot of that he could easily be um what's that guy tie with it like oh here's my shelf of books that i read for all of this information he could 100 be an entrepreneur grifting guy talking about side muscles and that like that would that would probably more likely be his because he doesn't really have the passion for journalism outside of it making him money so he would probably be more of like the entrepreneur grifter on like instagram and twitter in the modern era which is even more terrifying yeah uh cool i think that's all the all the main ones let's let's uh i'll hop over to alternate titles jesse you got any for us yeah i got a couple for us all right what do we got here the pursuit of horniness um the two to the 101 to the 110 to the 10 which is something they made sure to say because they wanted to really drive it home that we're in color we're in l.a we're driving i thought what is it two to the 101 to the two to the 10 or something two to the 101 to the 110 to the 10 if you give me directions like that i'm just stopping the car and i'll be like what no yeah it'd be funny if that was it that his partner's breaking point where he's like you have to talk to me like a human that's how he was talking to la dude which is where we are by the way what else you got brah okay sabotage on the 101 ooh sabotage exclamation point yeah yeah yeah as you know uh okay last one jill and gary jill and ross i could never spell any of these stupid titles yoy jill and gary jill and ross yeah we should have a vote on these because i have a feeling chat's on my side yeah checking the chat no i am a fan of jill and hall jill and ross that is okay uh what do you got logan uh eddie brock origins this is if i was doing the joker for eddie brock where it's just like without spider-man and just completely in the real world this is the movie that i would make and i would have him get uh peter parker shot five times in the chest because that's what happened to peter after uncle ben died he just went on rough time so yeah you can easily see this as a eddie brock movie that's good that'd be one of them um crash that'd just be because you know every like 10 years or so we have an l.a movie where it's just called crash and it involves this type of craft so yeah just yeah crash yeah we're due we're due for another uh and um um i kind of just want to steal uh the what's the title for uh nick cage's new movie it's uh the unbearable weight of massive talent yes that right there that would be my exact title and i would just have a picture of jake jill and hall just maybe it should be the unbearable lack of weight for massive talent because he lost a lot of he's skinny now oh yeah um the unbearable lack of weight for for massive talent um for massive eyeballs um we're gonna do that one next week by the way spoiler alert and it is a delightful film i very much enjoyed it um uh i only had i had coyote boy trying to think of how to work bubble boy into there coyote bubble boy coyote boy um bulbous eye boy you know some sort of boy uh jake jill and hall is very boyish um and then i just had like stringers and i really like neon noir because i'd never heard that before but that's cool i like yeah it's a term yeah yeah another one you could call it is night crawler parentheses not the x-men movie parentheses okay so actually this is a good this is a good uh transition into what people suggested john evan says night crawler no not that one um could be a good one um bren kelly says why are you watching ooh works on so many layers um so why are you watching like you shouldn't be watching people dying and crashing i will say that if this did have night crawler from x-men that's who jake was playing it would be incredible because he'd just be teleporting into crime scenes like a little creep and just yeah for the much better film jumper um jumper yeah with uh what's his freaking name hating christianson where he just jumps everywhere what a classic hating christianson samuel jackson maybe that nobody remembers that tried to set up the universe of the paladins and the jumpers have been fighting for millennia it's a real we should watch as soon as you start telling me that your conflict's been going on for a while just start like glazing yeah i don't care that you guys have been fighting for more than right now we're only going to watch right now hopefully well it's so that they could be like i can't wait for jumper origins as to your point where it's like like uh the third underworld movie i'm watching all the underworlds right now and it's like inexplicably set in like ninth century after two straight matrix ripoffs and you're like wow well that's why you built lore into your movie in case you just you have a lord of the rings set lying around you don't know what to do with you're just like and now we're back here when hayden christianson's great great great grandfather was a child anyway but if you don't establish that type of stuff then we'll lose great scenes like harriet tubman being in a transformers movie which is a thing that happened did that happen in the one where mark wallberg turns into a cybernetic knight or whatever they show the history of transformers helping history and yeah there's a photo of a transformer with the underground railroad bud oh man oh harriet tubman i was thinking of shoot what's the hella killer harriet the spike oh optimus prime saying w-a-t-e-r it has a name well i thought i thought it's like yeah yeah she like crashed uh megatron into a pole because she's not allowed to drive um okay yes so uh irish irish lover 7745 says broke back mountain to the cleveland steamer what is the cleveland steamer part those are just words that you put together yeah i don't feel like there's anything implying deuce dropping in there yeah that's unfair we're gonna skip that um this movie is basically a better donnie darko sequel that's probably true i never saw is it southland tales or whatever i don't think that's actually a movie it's not a donnie darko sequel but it's this is weird um jake jill and tall always has to solve a mystery oh these are not titles i'm out of order eliminating morals is bren kelly's alternate uh and then somebody followed that up immediately with eliminating mortals little back and forth here um uh ambulance chaser and the ambulance chaser yeah it's really good it's really good good job david williamson that's the best one ever um success story by bren kelly that's fine boogie nights to the return of the digler okay uh do we get any other ones yeah mblance yeah we already got that one brian why did you send that to me um let me see if any of these other ones popped up here uh boy at the spruce bam i don't even know what i'm looking at right now ruth baht ginsburg the sound night crawler makes when he teleports so that's where bam is nice one there whoever said that good um this is not uh a title this was a rift somebody was trying but uh ruth baht ginsburg mocapped bumblebee i think maybe not for this movie but should be the title of some movie uh-huh um almost they dated at some point ruth baht ginsburg and jake jill no bumblebee oh yeah bumblebee and ruth baht ginsburg yeah i'm pretty sure that was on the bus feed list of like weird couples you didn't know so that's uh that's in one of the the history scenes yes like she was getting um what is the term whatever justified what does the senate do confirmed bumblebee's in the background like i've always supported this yeah anyway what a horrible way to end this um so we're gonna wrap this up now so we are still continuing to live stream every monday at 1 p.m eastern next week is the unbearable weight of massive talent which is the nick cage movie where he plays nick cage is nick cage and it is uh truly a delightful little film theoretically alley will be back but at this point who knows um and you can you can subscribe to the crack movie club on youtube apple podcast spotify you know we do it on facebook and twitter now so you can follow us there we're also a newsletter you can sign up for us at crack.com movie club logan thanks for joining us it was great thank you for having me it's fun to re-watch yeah where uh where can we find you if we wanted to to peruse your catalog or learn what's at the logan oh yeah um at the logan trent on twitter and instagram is where i am uh check out the movie stuff that we're doing at cracked we got a bunch and everything else that we do on crack because we got a bunch of great articles coming out so yeah uh zanadi has a new series called inside the slasher studio which the first article dropped yesterday where we're interviewing norman baits so yeah check that out is that like a uh like a serial killer reviews serial killer movies kind of vibe or it is inside the actor studio but interviewing norman baits and dropping a lot of knowledge of like just actual production for psycho so you'll get informed too so yeah yeah yeah then uh next week we're doing billy the puppet from saw so look forward to that that's very close to my heart if you have not seen me talk about all the saw movies for an hour 15 minutes just just look up saw that was the best idea i ever had was making you watch and yeah now i can't stop every single time i know i i do enjoy it uh that's why underworld is next you heard it here first jesse where can we find you uh yeah man cash me on twitter at isaac gis e m a n n excellent and you can find me at the j j underscore j underscore breeding which is like logan's handle but much more complicated um that's it i think so i think we just say bye now and then i'll hit the button so remember i would never ask either of you to do something that i'm going to do myself logan's asking you to do some fucked up stuff but he also was doing it with and to me so it was far complicit all right uh i'm gonna let's wave goodbye until i hit the end of the podcast button because i'm a little worried that we're a little bit behind so bye hit the button soon and here comes the button it's not a donnie darko sequel but it's the same guy um jake jill and tall always has to solve a mystery oh these are not titles i'm out of order eliminating morals is bren kelly's alternate uh and then somebody followed that up immediately with eliminating mortals a little back and forth here um ambulance chaser ambulance chaser yeah it's really good it's really good good job david williamson that's the best one ever um success story by bren kelly that's fine boogie nights to the return of the digler okay uh do we get any other ones yeah ambulance yeah we already got that one brian why did you send that to me um let me see if any of these other ones popped up here uh boy at the spruce bamf i don't even know what i'm looking at right now Ruth Bader Ginsburg the sound night crawler makes when he teleports so that's where bamf is nice one there whoever says that good um this is not uh a title this was a riff somebody was trying but uh Ruth Bader Ginsburg mocapped bumblebee i think maybe not for this movie but should be the title of some movie uh-huh almost dated at some point Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Jake Gyllenhaal bumblebee oh yeah bumblebee and Ruth Bader Ginsburg yeah i'm pretty sure that was on the BuzzFeed list of like weird couples you didn't know so that's uh that's in one of the the history scenes yeah it's like she was getting um what is the term whatever justified what does the senate do confirmed bumblebees in the background i've always supported this yeah anyway what a horrible way to end this um so we're gonna wrap this up now so we are still continuing to live stream every monday at 1 p.m eastern next week is the unbearable weight of massive talent which is the nick cage movie where he plays nick cage is nick cage and it is uh truly a delightful little film theoretically alley will be back but at this point who knows um and you can you can subscribe to the crack movie club on youtube apple podcast spotify you know we do it on facebook and twitter now so you can follow us there we're also a newsletter you can sign up for us at crack.com movie club logan thanks for joining us it was great thank you for having me logan just fun to re-watch yeah where uh where can we find you if we wanted to to peruse your catalog or learn what's your address logan oh yeah um at the logan trent on twitter and instagram is where i am uh check out the movie stuff that we're doing on cracked we got a bunch and everything else that we do on crack because we got a bunch of great articles coming out so yeah uh zanadi has a new series called inside the slasher studio which the first article dropped yesterday where we're interviewing norman baits so yeah check that out is that like a uh like a serial killer reviews serial killer movies kind of vibe or it is inside the actor studio but interviewing norman baits and dropping a lot of knowledge of like just actual production for psycho so you'll get informed too so yeah yeah yeah then uh next week we're doing billy the puppet from saw so look forward to that that's very close to my heart if you have not seen me talk about all the saw movies for an hour 15 minutes just just look up saw that was the best idea i ever had was making you watch and yeah now i can't stop every single time i know i i do enjoy it uh that's why underworld is next you heard it here first jesse where can we find you uh yeah man cash me on twitter at isaac g-i-s-e-m-a-n-n excellent and you can find me at the j underscore j underscore breeding which is like logan's handle but much more complicated um that's it i think so i think we just say bye now and then i'll hit the button so remember i would never ask either of you to do something that i wouldn't do myself logan tells me to do some fucked up stuff but he also was doing it with and to me so it was fine completely all right uh i'm gonna let's wave goodbye until i hit the end of the podcast button because i'm a little worried that we're a little bit behind so bye hit the button soon and here comes the button |
TheOnion | Annual_Valentine_s_Day_Stoning_Of_Happy_Couple_Held | This is the Onion News Network an impenetrable barrier against deception Well, it's that time of year when love is in the air this morning today Now's Jim Haggerty took a little field trip to witness one of the nation's favorite Valentine's traditions the annual public stoning of a disgustingly Happy couple take a look There are more than 200 people gathered here at this downtown park in Fort Collins, Colorado Each of them with a rock and a brick ready to throw it this year's Nauseatingly perfect couple Ben Trump and Alison Benzington now this gazebo here is where Ben and Alison shared their first kiss Beginning their intolerable relationship. So of course, this is where they'll both be stoned to death today Oh now we're seeing some photos of Ben and Alison here They really do look like the kind of couple you want to see pounded into a bloody pulp by rock Oh, they are the worst Tracy people tell me that they never see one without the other and that they're always walking down the Street with their hands in each other's back pockets constantly calling each other, babe Well now a little twist on this year's stoning is that this couple was chosen through Facebook. That's right Tracy to nominate a couple all he had to do was submit 20 photographs The couple had posted of themselves kissing or wearing matching funny hats or staring into each other's eyes There were over 30,000 nominations. And of course, we wish we could stone them all to death But the judges could only pick one couple what made Ben and Alison the winners I'm told was their shared voicemail message in which they both alternate saying the words in the message I think we have that don't we let's take a listen Horrible Oh Jim, what do you do when all the way to second? I'm being told that Ben and Alison are being brought into the stoning circle right now All the energy in the air here is just electric Tracy Oh and here comes the lucky girl who gets to throw the first stone Janie Kepner Janie was recently dumped by her boyfriend in a text message and this was on the same day Her best friend got married, right, right So she is the perfect choice and I believe she's she's winding up.
It's on Excuse me for a minute Tracy. I'm gonna get in there myself. Go get him Jim |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_13_4_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic. So talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today. T's and C's apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
First up, Michael Clarke's offered to step in as leader of the Liberal Party. With Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull's 30 news poll losing streak dominating the headlines more than any policy he's introduced, the former Australian Test cricket captain Michael Clarke has offered to come out of retirement for a stint as Liberal Party leader. Although critical of the PM's lack of public faith, Clarke maintains if given the opportunity, he'll continue Turnbull's work. With the exception of appointing Michael Hussey as foreign affairs minister. Jordan Lee, one of our readers from down the coast wrote in saying that if this happens, we better get ready for a broken fucking economy.
In other news around the nation, we sat down with a Victorian man this week who's considering joining the police force. The man explained to us that he wanted to join the boys in blue because he has an insatiable desire to bash the mentally ill. This comes after half a dozen Victorian cops were caught on camera pinning down, striking and dousing a mentally ill Melbourne man with capsicum spray and a garden hose. This was after a psychologist fearing for his mental health had asked the police to come and check up on him. John Bacon, 33, says he can't believe it's taken him this long to realise that the Victorian police is where he needs to be.
He said, It was Greek Easter last weekend and we revealed the story of an overworked local Yahya who violently refused any offers of help in the kitchen. Eleni Ladopsamo, an 88 year old grandmother, struggled through cooking an oversized meal for her 8 children, 30 grandchildren and a couple of random local Greeks who had nowhere else to celebrate. Eleni assured the guests that none of them would have helped out. After being offered a hand at relocating an extra large pot, currently boiling 8 kilos of peeled and sliced potatoes, Yahya looked at the question like someone had just died.
She told her gay 45 year old grandson Kon to, Back home in Batuta now and a cashed up local bloke has treated his 1994 Nissan Pulsar to a tank of 98 octane this week. The local 4th year baker's apprentice says he made the decision after he wound up with a bit of extra cash due to a cheeky Kino win during an Easter family gathering at Batuta Dolphins Leagues Club. 20 year old Dale Berrigan said he was just feeling generous when he reached for the 98 octane nozzle at the local pump in what he puts down to a random act of kindness. She's been good to me. Dale said rubbing the side mirror of his pulsey. She's taken me and all my mates around the place will tell you what, she's got some stories to tell. Nah but seriously she deserves it and I want to see her kick on for a few more years yet. Plus you know you get a few more K's out of her too now.
Elsewhere around town we quizzed a local jogger this week about his inability to jog down streets that aren't full of people. The local fitness fanatic Peter Douglas says he's only able to do his morning and afternoon jogs down the busiest streets when foot traffic is at its heaviest. He said, In sports news now and former vice captain of the Australian cricket team David Warner may miss another 12 months of cricket. After accepting the 12 month ban placed on him by Cricket Australia for his role in the now infamous ball tampering scandal, the Australian Fashion Police have introduced their own fresh charges against Warner after he appeared on television this week wearing a cashmere sweater draped around his neck. Warner was seen in full view of the public with the expensive garment draped across his back and the sleeves tied in a loose knot across his chest. One ex-cricket fan Kenny told us that the off-white number, usually worn by company hires with no concept of reality and a penchant for whinging on Twitter, has absolutely no place in modern Australia and that Warner should face the full force of the authorities and be made an example of.
Anyway, that's your weekly news wrap for now. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Chris Hitchens. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today. Tease and Seize Apply ends August 31st. See website for details. |
dropout | internet_commenter_business_meeting | Alright guys now corporate wants us to look at the q2 numbers, but I think we're better off starting off with our research department So what do you guys think about first dick asshole douche bag photoshopped? What this chart has been photoshopped. I made this myself well. It's gay gay Your game oh slam you just got called gay by a girl I have actually already seen this chart in another business So what business ripoff Simpsons did it Simpsons did this chart. I think we should discuss the new software platform I think we should discuss your tits Can't women say anything without you turning it into sexual innuendo can't my dick say anything without your vagina turning it into me fucking you a lot I Make romance explosion inside of you Borat I see what you did there You know this chart reminds me of the summer camp that me my friends used to go to we used to go down to the dock And there would be this beautiful little canoe. We would ride out. Oh, oh nobody gives a shit Oh People we have work to do all in favor of the new benefit package say aye Hey, my vote didn't get counted it takes a minute Saying first is fucking lame not learning how to reply is fucking lame What does pwn mean? What does your retard mean? I Still don't know what it means nobody can hear me nobody can hear my comments Hey, you guys want to get a bigger portfolio in two weeks follow me wait Could you please read this? No Sorry about that guys So about those q2 number graduations you've been selected to win two free iPod nanos read it Alright next on the agenda Oh |
Fitzthistlewits | battletoads_mass_effect_review_avi | Battletoads was a sci-fi RPG action game released by Rare in the year of our lord, 1990. It was very much the mass effect of its generation, but which is better? The answer is mass. Battletoads has horrible graphics. Just look at the megabytes.
How many are there? Four? Five? I don't know.
It looks awful. A blind child with Down syndrome could draw a better game, in MS Paint, using only his arse to move the mouse. The developers should be ashamed of themselves.
Compare that to Mass Effect 3. Wow, look at the polygons. Oh, Shepard, you're so dreamy. Look at the expressions of the face. It's like looking into the future. Mass Effect 3 also made the bold design decision of getting pictures from Google images and then photoshopping them a bit.
This really grounded the game in the real world. Good work guys. Gameplay. The game is not fun at all. I'm talking about Battletoads here.
In Battletoads you play as toads, nature's ugliest and most pathetic creatures. They're like frogs, but worse. Zero out of ten.
Compare that to Mass Effect 3. Look, there's shooty shooty bang bang. Oh, you can even seduce and then make sweet love to a black man and not get hanged for it.The future is a strange and exciting place.
Battletoads actually has a rich and compelling narrative. The dialogue is crisp and memorable. Truly it is modern storytelling at its finest. Not. You're a frog that punches things. It's... Try harder Rare, you fucking idiots.
Compare that to Mass Effect 3. Oh look, there's a little kid. Oh no, he died. Oh wait, he was a reaper. This is fucking avant-garde as shit, yo. My favourite bit was when Seth Green fucked the robot. It really taught me how robots are people too. Especially the ones with big metal tits.
And the ending. What an ending. Most games just give you one colour, this game has three. I chose the green one. This is the future of storytelling. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_two_cicadas_on_the_largest_cicada_emergence_snl | Party rockers in the house tonight. Wow, you guys, you guys are in a good mood. cause it is finally time to party.
I've been on the ground since 2007. and I've been on the ground since 2000.
I start winning. we're here now and we got one wild summer to mingle, mate and chirp as much as we please. Look, I'm not going to sugarcoat you, man. I'm probably going to die tonight. a lot of us are going to get eaten by birds. probably millions. no doubt. our lives as cicadas are brutal and short. So we got to have fun. just get out there and hump and scream and die. All right. that's great. it's great guys.
So what's on the agenda? Oh, we got big plans, man.
I'm hoping to fly into a little kid's shirt and make him go. I love doing that, man. it's like my favorite thing except mating. Oh, mating. yeah. Do you think you'll be able to find a mate? who you talking to, man?
I just shaded my exoskeleton looking fresh. And who wouldn't want a piece of this? I'm super loud. I got crunchy wings. and both of my eyes are way over on each side of my head. it's called sex Appeal Calling a read about it.
Well, best of luck. I know you guys have been waiting a long time. 17 years underground, man.
I'm about to get mine. Colin, I'm looking for Mrs. right now. that reminds me. I got to take some Cicada bitches. Okay. hold on a second. is that a Motorola Sidekick?
Yeah, it is, Colin. my man is old school. Speaking of old school, back in 2011, we used to say, Gucci, Gucci, Louis, Louis, Fendi, Fendi, Prada. but bitches, bitches wear that stuff so I don't even bother. nobody sings that song anymore. it seems like a lot has changed. Well, I like change.
And I know that this might get me in trouble, but I'm just going to say it.
I think it's okay for gay people to get married. controversial. right. Well, guys, the whole country actually legalized gay marriage back in 2015. really? that's great. Congratulations. congratulations to you, man. it's good for everybody, Okay? yeah, thanks very much. so disturbing.
So where are you guys going to party tonight? where we always party, baby? The Stumps. Yeah. party in the big old rotten stump is going to be lit.
Yeah, there's going to be thousands of thick little cicada butts in there, calling just shaking ass and being loud as hell. Let me tell you, some cicada ladies are going to have my cicada babies. this summer, this summer is going to be glorious. a time to explore, to laugh, to love, to enjoy each and every moment before we hit a car windshield so hard our ass goes through our brain. Two Cicadas, everyone. let's get close.
Summer of 2024, party rockers in the house tonight. Wow, you guys are in a good mood. because it is finally time to party. I've been on the Ground since 2007. and I've been on the ground since 2002. Well, we're here now, and we've got one wild summer to mingle, mate and chirp as much as we please.
Look, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, man.
I'm probably going to die tonight. A lot of us are going to get eaten by birds, probably millions. no doubt. our lives as cicadas are brutal and short, so we've got to have fun. just get out there and hump and scream and die. Die!
All right, that's great. it's great, guys. So what's on the agenda? Oh, we got big plans, man.
I'm hoping to fly into a little kid's shirt and make him go, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. I love doing that, man. it's like my favorite thing, except mating. Oh, mating. yeah, do you think you'll be able to find a mate? who you talking to, man?
I just shutted my exoskeleton, looking fresh. And who wouldn't want a piece of this? I'm super loud, I got crunchy wings, and both of my eyes are way over on each side of my head. it's called sex appeal, calling a read about it.
Well, best of luck. I know you guys have been waiting a long time. 17 years underground, man. I'm about to get mine.
Colin, I'm looking for Mrs. right now. that reminds me, I got Texas skater bitches. Okay, hold on a second. is that a Motorola Sidekick? Yeah, it is, Colin. my man is old school. Speaking of old school, back in 2011, we used to say, Gucci, Gucci, Louis, Louis, Fendi, Fendi, Prada. but bitches, bitches, wear that stuff so I don't even bother. nobody sings that song anymore. seems like a lot has changed.
Well, I like change, and I know that this might get me in trouble, but I'm just going to say it. I think it's okay for gay people to get married. controversial. right. Well, guys, the whole country actually legalized gay marriage back in 2015. really? that's great. Congratulations. congratulations to you, man. that's good for everybody, Okay? yeah, thanks very much. so disturbing.
So where are you guys going to party tonight? where we always party, baby?
The Stumps. party in the big old rotten stumps? it's going to be lit. yeah, there's going to be thousands of thick little cicada butts in there, calling. just shaking ass and being loud as hell. Let me tell you, some cicada ladies are going to have my cicada babies. This summer, this summer is going to be glorious. a time to explore, to laugh, to love, to enjoy each and every moment before we hit a car windshield so hard, our ass goes through our brains. Two Cicadas, everyone. let's get close!
That's what I wanted! |
dropout | my_little_brony | Oh wow! This must be our new home! I can't wait to get played with by some beautiful little girl. She'll brush our hair, and we'll have tea parties, and maybe we'll even- My little pony, my little pony, ahhh Oh no! GRONIE! We didn't get a little girl at all. We got an emotionally stunted grown man! What does he want with us? We are meant for eight-year-old girls. Yeah, I just picked up Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle to add to the collection. The collection?
Run! And I know just where I'm gonna put them. Put me anywhere just not next to the flashlight! Bro hoof! I'm out! Oh no, ew, he's getting Cheeto dust in my mane. He smells like Ball's energy drink!
Oh, you are going to be my best friend. We're gonna run Quest and Skype with my internet girlfriend in Korea and listen to Skrillex. Okay, I was really hoping he was being ironic, but I think he's actually being sincere. And don't think I've forgotten about you, Pinkie Pie. Can pony toys get violated? In episode seven, you won 35 consecutive games of tic-tac-toe against a rarity. My face is worn down from him kissing me. And that's why you're my favorite pony. I wish I could appreciate that he's not afraid to challenge gender stereotypes, but I'm too distracted by the erotic fanfiction on his computer.
My god, it's on! It's on!
My little pony! Okay, this is our chance. Let's make a run for it. We'll come back for you! Now it's time to play with my favorite toy. The most magical friendship of all. Cute! |
dropout | your_mother | Paging Dr. Gerbins, Dr. Gerbins to the security board. How is she? Well, it's a good thing you brought her in today, but I'm not sure there's much I can do for her. What do you mean? Listen, Jeff, your mother, she's just so obese.
I know. I don't think you do know.
Well, how obese is she? Your mother is so obese that she's actually perspiring mayonnaise. Oh, God. It's her cholesterol levels. I mean, you wouldn't want to eat it, but it is technically mayonnaise.
And the noise? That sound you're hearing is coming from her belly button. It appears to have formed some sort of echo chamber.
Hey, Isaac, can we seal up that hole? With what? A tarp. I don't know. What should we do?
Let's get her on a 12-hour day exercise program. Does she have a job? She works at the movie theater. She's one of the screens. Okay, I'll write her a note. I see here she goes by both Dorothy Sussman and Dorothy Alice? Yeah, she's on both sides of the family.
I see, so there's no father in the picture? She fell in love once, but she broke it. I'm sorry. Does she have an emergency contact? Well, there's Wendy's. Wendy's? Oh. Can I see her? In a little bit.
When she tried to sit up before, she rocked herself to sleep. But I'd like to keep her here just to run some more tests, take some x-rays.
I actually contacted NASA about coordinating some of their satellites. Oh, no, you didn't. Yes, I did.
When should I pick her up? In a couple of hours. Two o'clock? Sure, though that would be 11 a.m. in your mother's other time zone? It depends. It'll probably take you two trips to get her home. I'll be early. Listen, when she is released, I strongly suggest contacting City Hall about getting your mother her own zip code.
Oh, snap. It's a legal issue, just for your own protection. Thanks. I guess I should get going. I'm sorry, doctor. We're trying to find... When the roller and flower find the wet spot. Ah! Huh, that's cold. Oh! |
dropout | praying_mantis_woman_kingpin_katie_full_episode | Yeah, obviously. Can we get back to the pitch meeting? You guys knew about this? Yeah. That's like your thing, right?
Like you're neurotic and paranoid and you do a ton of cocaine. And you have lupus and insomnia and don't have any close friends. People typically like you at first and then they get to know you and they don't much care for your personality.
Okay, okay, I get it. Anyway, last night I was completely out of control. Yeah, again, Katie, we know we were there. You ruined the company party. Shut up, you idiots! I am trying to apologize here. She's also temperamental. You are so right. I was actually gonna say that. I forgot about that.
Okay, fine. Can I just continue? Thanks.
I started doing coke so I'd be more fun at parties. It became a part of my identity. Katie and cocaine became entwined.
It's all anyone on our YouTube channel would comment about.
However, I don't like the monster it turns me into. I lose control of my actions and I hurt others.
Katie, you've said all this before and then just gone right back to doing cocaine again. I bet you have coke on you right now.
No! Come on. Fine, yes!
But I'm gonna get rid of it.
God, I'm just, I'm trying to earn your respect. Hey, sorry I'm late. The other meeting ran long. Oh, what's going on, Trapp? Is there something I can help with?
I mean, just say the word. No, you're fine. Oh. So listen, the higher ups have been really breathing down my neck and they're gonna be making some changes around here. To begin with, we're gonna be renting out half our floor to that douchebag sparks dating app company. Yeah, I think they just got here. We're having poke bolts for free lunch today. Again? It's crazy how they make something free feel like work. I know. Oh my god.
They're so much more attractive than us. Speak for yourself. No, they are. There's hot and then there's cool hot and they're just hot. Alli, all of us are sixes at best. I can think of someone hotter.
So this is gonna get in the way of our shooting, but it shouldn't affect us too much if we manage it right. Second, we need to start appealing to advertisers more, so no more swearing in sketches. No! Okay, I'm sorry, it's just how it has to be. No more swearing, no more explicit sexual content.
That feels like it's directed at me. It is and this is directed at Katie.
No more drug use in our videos. That won't be a problem for me because I don't do cocaine anymore. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cocaine to get rid of.
What? No, you can't do that in the middle of the work day. You're a coke dealer. Call me. Sorry, sorry. Hey buddy. What are you doing? Get off of me. Sorry. Did you hear my friend request? No.
What weekend are you free for Big Bear? I'm planning that birthday thing.
I'm not, I'm not free. You're not free?
Okay. Oh, I wanted to tell you there's actually a unit opening in my apartment building, so it might be like a fun chance for us to live closer. Katie, Katie, listen to me, okay? We're not friends. This is the weirdest dealer user relationship that I've ever had. Look, can we just handle this quickly please? Yeah.
Like how much do you want? How much do I want?
Oh, of cocaine? Use the code word Pokemon. Pokemon. Yes.
Well, anyway, I'm not making a purchase. I'm here to do a return. What are you crazy? You can't return drugs.
Yes, I can. No. Yes, I absolutely can.
I have a receipt. You wrote that. This happens.
Look, are you going to buy more or no? No, I don't want to buy more.
Okay, then we have nothing to talk about. Come on. What am I going to do with $5,000 worth of coke? I don't know. That's not my problem. You are being so incredibly unreasonable right now, and I hate having to do this, but I'm going to need to speak to your manager.
Screamin' Eddie. You want to talk to Screamin' Eddie?
Yes, I do. Okay, well, good luck with that. I got to get out of here. Hey, Samson, where are you going? Samson, do you want to hang out later? I have to go back to work now, but we can hang out later. Samson, how dare you walk away from me? It's okay, I forgive you.
We've had fun together, but we both know we need to end things. No, we need to end things.
Ew. Why are you sitting on the floor? Hey, get out of here! Wait, are you flushing coke down the office toilet? This is a private stall. What if I was naked?
Oh my god, she is. Is it laced with laundry detergent? I hate that. I am not a fucking shirt. Are you kidding me?
This is the Crandola coke. I love snorkin' this shiz. This is my favorite shiz to snork.
Why are you talking like that? I don't know, but I'm clean now, so. Well, we're not. Gimme. This is incredible. Really?
Don't flush this. What am I gonna do with it? Because I'm not gonna snore in it. Well, we'll take some.
Yeah, this is Los Angeles. You could probably sell the rest. Well, technically, it's West Hollywood, which is its own city. It was incorporated in 1984. Well, technically, it is Los Angeles County, so nothing I said was factually inaccurate, but I too am fascinated by the municipality divides across the county.
Okay, that's technically true, but. Okay, okay. Where can I sell this? Ooh. I have seen drugs passed around Club Devotion. You should try there. Oh, go, go, go, go. Cheers. Anyway. Hi, Dee. All right, go ahead in.
You don't need to check my bag. No, I can tell you're not up to anything. Excuse me? What does that even mean? Just because I'm some skinny unassuming white girl, I can't be up to anything?
This is a massive bag! Who brings a massive bag to a club? I could have anything in here. You're right. I should check your bag. No, don't check my bag!
It's pretty tame in here for a Tuesday. Last week was wild.
Do you like dancing? What about music? You good with music?
Yeah, yes. Love it. Yeah. Cool, cool. Me too. Oh, are you trying to sell me coke? I am. Oh, yeah. Oh, wonderful. Because she's selling cocaine. Thank God. Yes, yes.
Hey, Charlie, how you doing, man? Good to see you. How you doing? All right. Hey, you all good. Come on, where you at?
I like it to look cute, not so druggy. Aye, what a great idea. And it's such a cute personal touch. Thank you.
What's up, man? That's what I'm talking about, aye? That's what I'm supposed to jump in. How you doing, baby? Hi. How are you? A little bike on the rocks. Hey, yo. Hey, Jason Alexander. What's up, man?
How much you need? Oh, I'm good, actually. My girlfriend got us stuff.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
I love that you come to me. And we don't have to deal with some creepy aggressive guy. I really love buying from you, like, truly. I don't even normally buy drugs, but you like make it so fun. Oh, thank you. I'm making so many new friends.
Screaming Eddie, we got a problem. Have you tried meditation? You seem very stressed out. Yeah, but that's not gonna help us. No?
You know, I always thought it was strange that his name was Screaming Eddie when he so soft-spoken. Yeah, it's an ironic nickname. Yeah, but it's not ironic because underneath that pleasant exterior lies a real sociopath, you know. He screams with actions. So it's an ironic, ironic nickname.
One more. So it's not ironic at all? Wait, wow. Gentlemen. No side conversations, please. Yeah, that was him. Okay, Joey. Let's get to it.
Well, I was at my usual spot last night. Only something's a little different, because nobody's buying, at least not for me. Another dealer on our turf. Could it have been the Romanos? That's what I thought.
And I saw a bunch of powder princesses coming out of the ladies' room, so I picked in. There's a woman dealing in there. A lady dealer?
No. Language. Carlo. Sorry.
I don't know no woman working for the Romanos. I think it's somebody else. Somebody new.
Well, Joey, did you confront her? No. A guy, I can't call her the ladies' room. It ain't right. What do you mean?
They got couches in there. Did you at least get a good look at her? It was quick, so I don't remember much. But she appeared to be in her 20s.
Tallish, very Slavic-looking. Really long features, but on a tiny, tiny head. Kind of like a praying mantis woman. Blonde hair, brought up to hair.
Seemed like maybe she had lupus or some other autoimmune disease. Oh, my sister's got lupus. She got to be careful on the sun.
I'll never forget her voice. The most bizarre accent I ever heard.
Like, she's speaking to someone who's hard of hearing. Sounds awful. If I had to guess, I bet she's pretty neurotic and paranoid. Probably suffers from insomnia.
Joey, I want to thank you for bringing this to my attention. Now I'd like you to go and find her. I'll do it. Why such enthusiasm, Samson? I just hate when people step on our turf. You know what I mean? Well, why don't you all go and look for her, and please, don't stop until you find her. I would like you to bring me and her arms, and her toes, and the rest of her body. They should all be attached. Was that unclear? I do want her alive.
Ready to get working. I am going to go the extra mile. I am going to grease my little elbows. I'm going to grind my nose stone.
Is that a Coke thing? You're back on Coke already.
Shut up. I told you I was getting rid of it yesterday. Kitty, have you finished that rewrite on the splish soda sketch? The last thing I saw just said splish, splish, bish, and then Katie flosses for two minutes. That's not a sketch. Um, so I was really busy yesterday, and I didn't do it, but I'm going to work on it today. Kitty, I don't have time for your excuses, okay? Can you get it to me by Thursday?
Yeah. We can always fill my sketch. Little shop leaders.
No, guys, okay, we talked about this. No more sex, no more swearing, no more drug stuff, okay? Come on, trap. Paint me green and give me that booty. Stop saying that to me. Anyway, I will get you that rewrite no matter what. Stop talking about doing it, and just do it. You got it, boss. I am going to sit down, and I am going to write.
Nothing will make me leave. You have to leave now. What? I can't leave.
My boss will kill me. Okay, will he actually kill you? Because my boss will definitely kill you.
What are you talking about? And why haven't you accepted my Facebook friend request yet? I didn't get it. Really? That's weird, because it says it's pending on my side.
Look, did you deal drugs last night? No, of course not. I was just selling my supply to make my money back. Katie, that's drug dealing. No, it's not. I would know if I were drug dealing, okay? Drug dealers sell drugs to make money. I was selling my drugs for money.
You are in big trouble. Dangerous men are looking for you, so we need to get out of here now before somebody else finds you.
What's going on? Why are you smiling?
We're friends. That sounds like a friend. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not friends. This is not a friendship thing. This is a I don't want your death on my conscience thing. That's the thing about friends. They don't want each other to die.
Katie. Oh, fine. I'm coming. Katie, I'm sorry I snapped at you. It's just things aren't really going well right now and she's gone. Great. Well, I'm here.
If you want to talk. If you want to get lunch, get a drink. Paint me green and give me that booty.
Hey, I gave you a nickname. Sam Witch. Don't give me a nickname, okay? Just say what I told you to say and nothing else.
Who's this? Hi, I'm Katie.
Shut up.
Uh, sheep and me screaming anymore to see you. Samson. What a pleasant surprise.
I found her. Joey, can you confirm? Yeah. That's her, all right. You found her quick? Yeah. Um, Joey's description number was very accurate, actually.
Turns out this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. You right, Katie? Yes, I'm so sorry, Mr. Scream, and I did not mean to step on your turf. It's just I was trying to get rid of some cocaine that I no longer needed.
She didn't even know what she was doing. Like, totally clueless.
I had some understanding. I'm not a total idiot.
Okay, shut up, Katie. The point is, clearly this person is no drug dealer. Just look at her. What does that mean? Who was she supposed to threat to? No one, no one, no one will consider this person a threat.
Especially not a big drug dealer like you. Excuse me. I did sell, like, $5,000 worth of cocaine in one hour, so... Bitch, was a mistake like you said earlier.
I mean, she couldn't do it again. She wouldn't know how.
Right, Katie? No. What do you mean, no? Do you think you're a better drug dealer than I am? What are you doing? Because you are not.
You're always late. You're so rude to me. You never want to hang out.
I have people texting me left and right wanting more drugs. I am ten times the drug dealer you are.
Don't tell me to show me. Say no more, Katie.
You're hired. Thanks for watching that episode of Kingpin Katie. If you liked it, hold on to your butts because there's more full episodes you can watch right now on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. You can stop holding onto your butts now. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_113_Sir_Bob_Geldof | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show recording live from the Dom and Tina Shire and the Old City District here at Desert Rock FM. Now you're joined today by of course myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batooter Advocate and of course editor at large Errol Parker.
Today we have a guest who actually you know it's quarantined, everyone's quarantining right around the world, we're getting pretty lucky with the guests because there's a lot of people sitting at home, they're learning how to use zoom, they're learning how to keep in touch and they've got a lot of time on their hands and because of that we've been lucky enough to land ourselves an interview with Sir Bob Geldof, I'm not sure if he appreciates the sir, Australian sir maybe in some circles, yeah when I'm trying to get into a crowded restaurant or outrated, yeah in the Commonwealth, yeah it definitely might fly in the Republic but anyway, no guys it's just I've done you know I ran out of papers to talk to in the lockdown you know so you're sort of bottom of the list really so you know finally I got there but great you know. I'm glad we beat Murdoch to you. Now where are you based at this moment, all we got obviously was a zoom address, quarantined. I'm in Kent, I've got a place in Kent about 50 miles out of London, the weather has been the hottest spring ever I think it is, it's the driest May so in those terms it's been, I got the family around because they bailed out of London as well which was the epicenter, it's moved now so they're around and I have the most mowed lawn and the most cleaned car ever and as soon as Kenny Rogers died I noticed a vacancy so I grew a white beard and that's my contribution to the standstill.
You're at the point now where you're mowing, you're mowing tennis courts. My chin, no my chin. Now after 36 years the Boomtown Rats have released a new album and it's also accompanied by a book that you've written and a film that's coming out soon.
Just to take it back to the start, you've come out of South Dublin, you've gone into these odd jobs, you worked in a slaughterhouse, you worked on the roads. What I really want to know is that your first real gig in music was in Vancouver, I mean that's not really a real epicenter for young Irish like it is down here in Australia. I mean how did you find yourself in Vancouver all those years ago? One of the gigs as you said was working on the roads and I could drive heavy machinery, a Terex T24 if you've ever seen them, they're the big things with 12 foot high heels, that would be good, wheels with an engine in the front and back and a digger in the middle, I could drive those things. There were jobs, the roads stopped building in Britain in the winter because of the rain and that, you just can't really dig up the roads. Jobs were advertised for mining gold north of the Yukon in the Arctic Circle, the money was insane. So not really Vancouver. Yeah, so I was an illegal immigrant, I worked in the abattoir then in the slaughterhouse because they'd only let you work in the Arctic if you had a woman with you and I'd just been dumped and so I had to go back to Ireland as the dumpie and try and woo my true love to come with me up to the fucking Arctic Circle, which as you can imagine was not that attractive having just been dumped, stinking of awful as I worked in the slaughterhouse. We eventually agreed to come with me, the deal was that women would be on 50% pay for six months while they trained and then they'd be on equal pay with men, but it's kind of like, I think up around the top end for the mining issue over in Western Australia and they'd fly it down then every three weeks for 10 days in Miami. So it was a huge deal and I was an illegal, we went across Canada on the Greyhound, I pitched up in Vancouver to get my illegal papers together, which took about a month and I got bored and I went down to the hippie part of town.
It was around the time when Rolling Stone magazine was a local magazine in San Francisco, the Berkeley Bar, all those sort of things. There was an underground paper there called the Georgia Strait.
I saw the bookshop they had at a little ad saying people wanted to work in the bookshop so I didn't get a job in the bookshop, but then I went upstairs and I just lied my way into a job. I just said I was a visiting journalist on holiday, but as I had no examples of my work. The accent resume.
Yeah.
So, sent me out to review local bands, if you don't like it, don't print it. So it turned out it was okay, I got to be the music editor after three months, then I got to be the circulation manager because I was fed up, people weren't reading these pearls of wisdom that were being printed. And then after about a year, the Mounties got their man, which was me. I got to be, I was a smart ass, I was on the radio, people were arguing about the opinions, I was writing about music, music was shit. You know, I was, you know, I think it all ended when I got a record by the Stylistics who were a sort of vocal group and the review was, this is shit.
And that was it. That was the review.
At which point I was ejected from Canada and I went back to Ireland and Ireland was still mired in an absolute of nullity and I started a band to try and alter that. I've got a quote here that you said in 1975, correct me if I'm wrong, you only started a rock and roll band to quote, get rich, get famous and get laid. How did that work out for you? And bring peace to Ireland? Well, I got rich, I got famous. I said in the piece that I only wanted to get famous.
I've been poor all my life. It's shit. There's no upside at all to poverty. It just is, poverty is a sort of prevention of human capital sort of thing.
I wanted to get rich for obvious reasons. I want to get famous so I could talk about the things that bothered me. And I want to get laid because I've been brought up in Catholic Ireland of the 1970s. Believe me, I desperately wanted to get laid.
And so rock and roll was the vehicle for all of that. But largely the band needed to get out of Ireland. That was it.
And I don't know if you've seen the film which went out on the BBC last Saturday. It's called Citizen's Boomtown, like the album. I found it interesting. I'm in the thing, but it's like when you look at old movies your parents took you at seven. You're kind of looking at it and there's you and you're kind of like, okay, there's me cute, but it doesn't feel like you particularly. And that's kind of what it was like.
But what was interesting, and for me anyway, if no one else, was that I hadn't realised that none of us had families, none. So in my case, my mum died when I was seven. The only job my dad could get was selling towels around the countryside of rural Ireland where I doubt they'd even heard of what a fucking towel was. So he'd go away on Monday and come back on Friday. So there was no authority in the house, no one to make me do any work.
So when I bumped into authority in school every day, like the priests, it wasn't a good meeting. I didn't understand what that was. So I'd get beaten and then later I bumped into a cop and I couldn't quite understand how he had the ability to tell me to do things.
So that was always a problem. The other guys in the band, one had, and I didn't understand this until I saw the film last year, one had a brutally dysfunctional family. But we didn't talk about it with blokes and we just wanted to get on the band. And then the others were all packed off to boarding school at a young age. So that was really, I think, important when we fell in together in the garage in the back. There was a real need to bind together, really.
And then you enter into the economic world as you leave school. The state, which you can view as the sort of larger family, if you like, fails you also. It offers you no future whatsoever.
And in Ireland's case at the time, we were mired in what was in effect a civil war. They don't call it that, but when 3,600 people are murdered, it is. And when it's with the tacit complicity, if not overt complicity of the national government, it's murder. And when the church is busily abusing the children of its parishioners and shutting up about the murders, and when the business community is shutting up because they're making money out of it all, then something has to give.
And there was this great silence, sort of cultural suffocation, if you like. And so the only thing to do is make a noise, and so that's what we did. That's one thing I want to ask about, what were the pubs like in Ireland when you finally found a publican that would let your kids do whatever you wanted? There were three gigs in Dublin, so you've got to understand, there was no rock radio, there was no rock television, there was no rock magazines, there were no posters for gigs. There was just nothing, and I just spent a year writing about what was beginning to happen in the early 70s, Bowie, Roxy Music, Lou Reed, that was where I was at, the Velvet Underground sort of thing. Not crazy about what other stuff was going on. I thought this was kind of the way forward. Very basic stuff like Muddy Waters and earlier, so those sort of things were where I was at, or The Who, proper stuff like that.
The bands were copyists. They were either country rock, but really good ones, Cheap Thrills was a band which was really good.
There was a funk outfit called Nightbus. So crap names, Nightbus, it meant nothing. So calling yourself the Boomtown Rats, people objected to that.
Electric Light Orchestra. Yeah, please, thank you, goodbye. But you see, you've hit a major point here, guys. Once The Definite Article left rock and roll, it went shit. So once you stopped having The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Kings, The Who, and you started getting Genesis, electric light orgs, electric shite orgs. Nirvana could have been The Nirvana. Yeah, exactly. But you had this home generation. The big thing about punk was bringing back The Definite Article.
Their sex pistols, their Clash, their Boomtown Rats, their Saints. So where did the name Boomtown Rats come from?
From a rank outsider, from being out of Ireland at that time, you could say it's come out of The Troubles. But from what I've read, it comes from a much different place. The Troubles really didn't affect us, as I've been saying. They would be page three of the paper. Though they were 100 miles north only of us. But in Ireland, given that it's 200 miles in length, more or less, and Dublin's stuck in the middle, and then it's 100 miles to Galway in the far west, it's small. But because it was so alien to us, The Troubles, which sound like a minor dose of political flu, was in fact 3,600 murders. So I kind of object to that.
They did try and dampen it down. It was terrible. In our case, we were just kicking back against the Republic, which was mired in some sort of economic and cultural aspect of the 19th century or something. It was just terrible to live there at the time.
Luckily, Ireland rocketed into the 21st century over the last 15, 18 years and became a proper country.
But the Boomtown Rats came because I was reading Woody Guthrie's biography, Battle for Glory. Woody Guthrie is the great poet of the impoverished and dispossessed in 1920s, 1930s, Depression America. And of course, Bob Dylan's master, Springsteen's master, and great influence. I liked all these early guys because when I was a kid, the music I was listening to obviously was the Stones and all that stuff, Dylan, that I was 10 or 11.
And they were telling us, Mick and Keith were proselytizers. They were saying, it's not us.
It's muddy waters. It's lightning Hopkins. It's howling wolf. Hello? Muddy waters, howling wolf.
I mean, are these forces of nature or people? In fact, both.
And Dylan was talking about Woody Guthrie and, in fact, imitating him entirely. So I started listening to these guys and just thought it was magnificent music. And I read then Guthrie's biography, but I was rereading it in 1975, and we had a couple of names. I'd come up with the Nightlife Thugs because I wanted a name you could shorten and the Thugs sounded like, you know, and Nightbus, Cheap Thrills or the Thugs. Well, I'm going to see the Thugs, you know? So I wanted it to I wanted to suggest something that you would hear or see before you even heard or saw it. But the night before the first gig, I was rereading Bound for Glory for no particular reason. And I came across a bit where Woody Guthrie was 11 years old and he was in some town where they lived.
And the Boomchasers came to town, the guys who followed the latest oil rush. And they found oil outside Woody's town in Oklahoma. And these new families came in with the new kids and the new kids wanted to join the gangs, the kids gangs in town. But the old gangs wouldn't let them in because they were migrants.
And, you know, forget it.
So Woody split from the old gang and set up his new gang, which only allowed the new kids in. So the head of the old gang goes to Woody and says, are we going to have a war? And Woody says, yeah, whatever you like. The head of the old gang, who's 12 or 11, says, you, you, you, you Boomtown rats.
And I thought, yeah, fuck yeah. I don't want to be part of the old gang. I'll take you on. And we went we were sitting in the pub before the first gig, which was in a school there. I said, listen, that name, you know, I said, yeah, it's OK. So what about the Boomtown rats? And they said, yeah, that's better.
And once it had a hint and once it had a reason. But the truth of it is seriously. Once I got the name, it made total sense to me, rather than just playing music on a Friday or Saturday night because we were bored and nothing to do. Suddenly, because it came from Woody Guthrie and there was an aim behind the name, the band had intent on purpose, clear intent and purpose. So when I began writing songs, I began writing about the people I was working with in the slaughterhouse. This wasn't just a slaughterhouse of animal. This this was an abattoir of human dreams.
They were stuck. We were stuck.
That became our first number one, the first Irish number one, the first new wave number one. So I just started writing about all the people around me because of that name. Now I knew what I should write about. So it was more important than, you know, just picking some crap pun like the Beatles, which has got to be one of the worst names in rock and roll.
B-E-A-T. Get it, guys? You know, like them. They keep the beat. Yeah.
You entered, I guess, the charts and you began this career with this band with an undertone of working class solidarity. Did it become a bit of a ballad? Was it a bit of a, you know, similar to what Jimmy Barnes was for us or, you know, what Bruce was in the in the 70s and 80s? There's always a counterculture and there's always a rejection of a counterculture. It works both ways. And it's a sort of tired trope when you get involved in this. But we had it. We weren't necessarily involved in a counterculture or that we thought we were.
The moment I got on TV and they go into this in the film, I thought I'd only ever be on TV once. You know, I just kicked off about the country. And so there was a group of young people, Bono and his mates who were about 13, 14. These sort of people, Sinead O'Connor, watching this and going, finally, yeah, somebody's just talking about what it's like to be here.
So we made a noise. And by talking about it, burst that bubble of silence and began, you know, it helped to change things a little. And then by making records and focusing on getting them into the charts, because that's how you get your message to a broader audience, you have to change music. But we arrived in London in the middle of what we now know to be a massive cultural revolution, which was the punk thing. And it was beginning.
Never mind the bollocks by the Pistols had yet to come out. It was a couple of months away. We'd finished our first album, but we weren't coming out till after the Pistols.
So when I heard their record, I thought, well, fuck, that's so great a record. So so whereas you had Jimmy Barnes, who's sort of a working class hero and Bruce, too, we kind of had Phil Linnet from Thin Lizzy or Van Morrison, I guess. But there's no equivalent to to Jimmy or thing. Our equivalent would be the Saints. Yeah. And you were a great band, you know.
And when we arrived in London, our first gigs, because punk was a London thing and they were very snobbish about these patties who just arrived off the boat. So we are friendly with the Pistols because Johnny's Irish, you know, first generation extremely. And then, you know, his family is I went up to their flat and Finchley and Dickensian poverty.
The class were put together by Joe and stuff like that. So we played with the Ramones and the talking heads and we played in schools at four o'clock in the afternoon. And so if you can imagine all these kids with mullets and like Bay City roller outfits staring incredulously, you know, at the Boomtown Rats, the Ramones and the talking heads at four o'clock in gymnasiums.
That's how we started. But you were aware that something profound was happening. Definitely. It was exciting to be in this right at the very center of it. But again, there was so much rivalry, you know, you were whose record was better, who was selling out faster. And then there was the credibility thing. A lot of it was to do with an idea of saying the right things. And by saying I wanted to get rich, get famous and get laid. You weren't supposed to say that because it was the rejection of all the values that had led to pop singers. Yeah. Like Jagger or Rod Stewart just talking about the length of their limos, the height of their country houses that, you know, the width of their platform heels, that sort of shit, nothing to do with life. It was exciting. It was even more exciting to throw records up the charts and get to see the world and have Molly Meldrum throw you off. You know, which is what happened to us. He threw a lot of people off. You're saying a lot of profound things were happening, but you you obviously took it one further. You began talking about Africa, probably, you know, at least from the Australian perspective, before a lot of people were talking about what was happening in Africa when it comes to poverty and and famine. What led you there? Can you explain that to us? Well, the punk thing was hugely politically directed. You began saying that it happened during the time of Thatcher and that. Yeah. And that was important. So I'll put it in perspective.
Inflation in the UK in 1976, when we all emerged, was 27%. So that's zero economy. That means you don't have a job ever. That's, you know, for the generation emerging from school.
Forget it. No futures. Johnny Rotten said there is no future in England's dreaming.
It's a fantastic line in New York. New York was bankrupt.
The police were not policing. The fire service weren't answering the calls.
You could barely drive there. I was there, you know, it was bankrupt.
And they pleaded for help from the federal government. And Gerald Ford, the president on television, said New York dropped dead.
So, of course, you're going to get the Ramones. Yeah. And Blondie and the talking heads knew. Of course, you're going to get the pistols in the clash in London. Of course, you're going to get the boomtown rats in Ireland.
We didn't know each other. We didn't know why we were playing fast and loud. We didn't understand that. When we all got together, we understood it was the thing.
So that was essentially political, certainly cultural. When I was 13, I started anti-apartheid in school with my mate Mick Foley to organise a march to stop the Springboks playing the South African rugby team playing Ireland. Yeah, because I'd heard about the cultural boycott. Bob Dylan was reading James Baldwin, so I read James Baldwin. James Baldwin was reading Alan Patton, a book called Cry the Beloved Country. So I read that and I learned about South Africa. I was always interested much more in music and politics and saw the two as the same.
I never saw a difference. And so much to my dismay, Foley and I organised this march and thousands show up for it, these two school kids at 13.
So I understood you can tilt the world a little bit, you know, by just getting stuck in. At 15, 16, I stopped going home. There was no one at home anyway. It was just me in this cold, you know, Ireland, February, November, fog, rain, freezing, dark house.
Forget it.
And I go into Dublin. I met up with a crowd called the Simon community, which sounds religious, but the word.
And what we do is at six o'clock in the evening, we get all the vegetables that the grocers hadn't sold. And they give it to us. And then at 11 o'clock at night, the bakers would give us their first round of bakery for the morning.
And we'd make a huge fire in the middle of Smithfield Market. And then all the lost people would gather about this fire and we'd make soup. So you had the bag ladies and bag men, the schizophrenic old men and women. You had the lot.
There was no divorce in Ireland until relatively recently, 12 years or something. So the males of the family would get together and tell the husband, time for you to go now.
And so he'd be out in his ear, nowhere to go. Eventually start showing up at work, still with drink on his breath, unshaved. He'd lose his job. He'd be on a park bench.
They'd show up the hookers that, you know, not the glamorous hookers of Hollywood legend, but really, really pinched, way-faced working girls, little girls with their with their pimps, beating them up in front of me with baseball bats because she asked for one of the masks for an orange squash. An orange squash is just diluted orange. It's not even orange juice.
And this I remember very well, this little thug in a leatherette coat and a sort of Stooges haircut, like not Iggy Pop. I mean, like the three Stooges beating her, the same thing.
And I was I was 15. I was scared shitless. And, you know, I didn't I wasn't physical and I could do nothing. And I still do this telling you about it. I'm ashamed.
And so this was going on. So all these books I was reading about elsewhere, Steinbeck, Studs Terkel, Woody Guthrie, James Baldwin was happening here in Dublin.
And so they were the things that always bothered me. So when you if you listen to the rat songs, they're still about the stuff that bothers me. So when I said I want to be famous to talk about the things that bother me, that's all I'm interested in. I don't want your belt, the bro bollocks, you know, doesn't it?
Yeah, you can't criticize the man's platform. That's my opinion, you've got to take the roomy seats, right?
So, you know, we started with this name to change our old lives because they were awful. By making the noise, we helped a little bit to change the country. We think that's what everyone in the film says. By making hit records, you get to change the music.
And then one day I come in overnight, I turn on the TV and see what's happening in Africa. 30 million people, million, 30 million people about to die of, I mean, appalling hunger.
I mean, the images were just shocking in a continent and Australians don't really take this on board in the same way they don't really take on board that Indonesia is 60 miles from Darwin. They don't take that on board. They know it is. So we don't take on board that Africa is eight miles from Europe.
You throw a rock from Spain, throw a rock from Spain. So here is the richest continent in the world still and the poorest.
And in 1984, we had the Common Agricultural Policy, which which was set up after the war to make sure Europe never starved again. We paid taxes to grow surplus food. We paid more taxes to store the surplus. And most disgracefully, we paid more taxes to destroy it. America was doing the same by subsidizing its farmers with the Fargill, which could use surplus, etc., etc. Eight miles south was 30 million people were about to die in agony.
Fuck off. So the political moment arrived.
I was in a rock band that had been extremely successful, was on the downturn. I was available. All I could do was write tunes.
So it was come, it was October. I called up my missus who was the host of the big rock show at the time, The Tube. I said, who's on it? And it was Ultrabox. They just had their big hit, Viela, Midge. I spoke to Midge and I said, listen, I don't know if you saw that thing. All these new kids that had sort of pushed now the punky thing aside, Duran Duran, because Thatcher was now in power. So they were emblematic of that really. Spandau Ballet, The Police, you two were coming up on the inside track. I knew them all because of my missus on The Tube or because they were contemporaries.
So I said, let's do a song. Let's sell as many of these. And that's it. We're done.
Of course, do they know it's Christmas becomes this phenomenon, which neither I nor Midge expected. I get a call from Michael Jackson and Harry Belafonte.
They want to do it in America. So I go and do that. And then having done those two, the logic of doing Live Aid was obvious. You know, join these two ideas up.
Was it harder to corral the love of your life up to the Yukon, or was it harder to corral a group of the biggest pop stars in the world together into one room to sing Do They Know It's Christmas Time? What was harder?
Dude, you're forgetting my story. You see, this is it. This is the point. I got so fed up with shit journalism, you know, you know, and I go, fake news.
I said, I said to you, I was working in a slaughterhouse. She was getting free sausages every day. She was getting she was getting kidneys and liver and sweet breads.
You know, it was the awful that did it. I couldn't offer that to Simon Lopon.
You know, but it was easy. That's the truth. You know, I know these guys.
I've been in rock and roll for 10 years by that. Sting is literally a day older than me.
So, you know, when they were starting, they'd come and see the rats. Bono, I knew from Dublin, he used to come and see us in the basement of a hotel we played. This sort of tubby little kid would come in. And Brian, you know, so it was. And then I knew Lopon used to come to this place. I know this house here weekends and just crash out on the floor because, you know, when you're going for it, you're seriously going for it. Yeah. So that was OK.
And this stuff about, hey, the egos in the room, you know, you're with people who are rivals. It's nothing to do with the egos.
So you can't think, fuck, they just made a great record, you know. So I saw a great bit of film I'd never seen on this film about the rats. George Michael is there.
He said, like, you know, well, I've got one day off, you know, I could do with the rest, but I'd show up here. So I'm a bit pissed off because I've written a Christmas song myself. My missus says to him, oh, well, sing me a bit. And he goes, no, sing me a bit. And he goes, last Christmas, I gave you my heart the very next day.
And like and she said, that's quite good, but it's not as good as Bob's. And he goes, I don't think so. So that's pretty cool because it is such a good Christmas song. Not as good as Fairytale in New York, but pretty good.
I need to ask now your honest opinion. There may have been a bit of revisionist history around of late. The movie that recently came out about Queen. Yeah. Did it really come down to Freddie Mercury turning it on on the day? No, not at all. I mean, I haven't seen the movie because I don't listen to myself or look at myself or read anything about myself because just drives me nuts. This sounds name droppy.
But believe me, Roger is a seriously proper mate, like, you know, you know, hanging together. And the reality is that Queen were almost done. They finished up an Australia world tour. It hadn't been very successful. And Freddie, they were all a bit fed up, not knowing where it was going to go. So when I called them, I was calling them because Harvey Goldsmith, the English promoter who promotes them, was was doing was putting together live. And he was going to put the physical thing together. And Harvey said, you got to get Queen.
Now, you know, again, they're not called the Queen. So there's a problem there. So I said, OK, but I didn't really mind if they played or not. They weren't essential to the gig. So when I called them, Rog, who wasn't a big mate then, but, you know, we knew each other and liked each other.
He said, oh, it's I don't know, Bob, we're tired. The atmosphere isn't good.
You have to speak to Fred. Fred called me about two days later.
He goes, Bobsy, darling, what can I do for you? And I said, I said, well, he says, oh, we know what you're doing. It's wonderful. We all appreciate it, but I'm not sure it's for us. Sort of like that. And I said, well, why not? And he then said, I don't know what we're going to do. I might go up and do a solo thing. So I really sometimes will put a moral arm lock on some guys.
Like with Pete Townshend of The Who, he said he'd never, ever get on stage with Roger Daughtry again.
And I said, but Pete, if The Who do my generation, six million people minimum will watch. And of those six million, two million will put some money in the pot. If you don't do, get together and do my generation, we've lost that 20 million quid.
You know, so he goes, for fuck's sake. So, you know, but with Roger, I really wasn't going to do that. Or with Fred, I wasn't going to do it because it didn't bother me that much.
So I eventually said to Fred, I said, look, Fred, if ever there was a stage built for you, it's this. And he goes, well, what do you mean, darling? And I said, well, darling, the world. And I said, yes, I think I see what you're getting at.
So they came and what was really different was they really got what it was about. And I also think they they thought it was going to be their last gig ever. So what they did was put together a jukebox, a medley of their tunes. I'd explained to Freddie that it's that I'm calling it the global jukebox.
So I don't want track three, side two of your most obscure album. Fuck off. I want hits, three hits. Goodbye.
And they sandwiched all their hits, the hooks of their hits, which, you know, were OK, was a bit overblown for me, a bit operatic for me, not my thing, really. But when you take the hooks, they're fantastic pop and they jammed them together brilliantly. And so they came out believing this was going to be their last hurrah and it was to the world. So Freddie was going to go out with a bang and they were going to tell people what they'd done by doing all these hits.
So I'm running around trying to organize stuff, freaking out that maybe the money isn't coming on quick enough. And I'm up in the top gantry of Wembley Stadium running towards the broadcast area. And I hear this immense noise.
And I look over and it's Queen. And I go, Queen?
You know, people go nuts. And the sound from the stage was better than any other band. That's for sure. Yeah, right. The sound guy had it completely down and they sounded amazing. Amazing.
Now, I was never convinced by Freddie, a very unlikely frontman. You know, the teeth, the crap moustache, the awful outfits, the sort of static poses he'd do. I thought, no, not really. You know, I was wrong. So but they went off and without backstage.
So, you know, Bowie's there, you know, looking townsends, they're McCartney's, they're Bono's. Backstage, everyone's going, Elton's going, what? Literally, what? Queen? You know, I mean, seriously, they just went to a whole other level for themselves and they felt it because I spoke to Raj, I went, dude, you know, and he said that was amazing. Raj will tell you now they were about six minutes in before he understood there was a difference between their normal stuff. OK, most bands went to some other place in their performance. If you look at Live Aid, if you get the DVDs or download on YouTube, if you look at it, Bowie's somewhere else in his performance. I mean, amazing. You know, Elton's just thrilled with the day. McCartney hasn't played for years, doesn't give a fuck that the sound goes down because Pete and Dave and I come out to help him sing Let It Be and the whole crowd just taking over.
He just shuts up. So they were someplace else. Why? I don't know. But what the film says is that when they played, that's when the phone lines collapsed and people phoned in. That's not true.
Everyone thought they were just amazing.
But where the phone lines collapsed was when Bowie played. David, what people don't really take on board about Bowie is that while he was the great artist, he was also a really lovely guy, a really a cool guy, a fun guy to hang with, you know, like really kind man. And, you know, which is kind of weird because you don't think that of the austere Bowie. So I showed Bowie.
This film, I've got an editor from Canadian Broadcasting who couldn't show the movies he'd made of starving people because it was too obscene, almost. And he was cutting the bits together to archive in a hotel in Addis. And he was listening to the car song Who's Gonna Drive You Home on his Walkman in the 80s. And he was cutting to that beat unconsciously. And when he'd finished, he played it back and suddenly realized that the words of that song took on a different meaning when he played with this horror.
So who's going to pick you up when you fall down? Who's going to drive you home tonight?
And I played that to David when he was asking me, what song should I do? And I said, hold on, let's look at this. And David Bowie sat beside me in this office sobbing. And he said, I'm not doing four songs, I'm doing three and I'm introducing this and I said, David.
If you stop, they go and make tea and they're not coming back.
I've lost the audience. And he said, I don't care. I'm showing this. I said, well, they show this. They're definitely turning off the television. So I don't care. I'm showing this.
So, OK, so Bowie does Heroes at the end. Place kicks off and he goes, I want you to remember what this is for. And he shows the film.
And if you look at the DVD or YouTube, you'd see both in America and the UK, these beautiful young people. I mean, really, girls at their most beautiful flowers on their boyfriend's naked shoulders in the heat of this hugely hot day. And they look they're all like this, they're laughing and smiling. It's the time of their life, but they've forgotten what it's about. But then Bowie directs them to the film. And you can see the girl's arms coming down and then they they start crying and then they try and get off the boyfriend's shoulders and the boys are just staring with horror at the screen.
Yeah, that's when the phones collapsed. Lifty, all everywhere in the world, phone lines just melted down. And that's when the money just came gushing in and didn't stop. So that's what actually happened.
So Bowie had a bit more of a marketing brain, is that what you're saying? I think that, you know, Queen definitely took the day. I think by anyone's standards, that's what the press said. And I wouldn't say it, but I absolutely believe that to be the case.
Everyone did. U2 went over the top. They were on they were on the crest. They thought they'd blown it. They had a huge row at the side of the stage. They were going to break up because they thought Bono had blown it by going into the audience.
But in fact, to push them over into superstardom, Dire Straits Brothers in Arms had stopped dead at 350,000 post. Live Aid did 3.5 million. So millions of bands did well out of it, but loads, loads stayed where they are, are made known. But the point is that none of those bands, not a one, and I'm telling you this, did it for any other reason than to be there on the day.
Led Zeppelin reformed. They didn't like each other. Black Sabbath reformed. They didn't like each other. The Who reformed. The Beach Boys reformed. Duran Duran reformed.
Clapton gave up a week in Vegas just to fly to Philadelphia and just play. Nobody was there for any other reason than just to do it. So did you take what you said to Roger Taylor at Live Aid and kind of apply that to Roger Waters for Live Aid? I mean, because that was really the the the you made pigs fly then. And that was really Pink Floyd's last ever gig with the surviving four members.
That was it. That's it.
They hadn't played for 25 years. I'd read we needed an ending equivalent to Live Aid 20 years before.
Yeah. And I'd read in an interview by Nick Mason that the only reason they could ever possibly he could ever possibly see them get back together was something like Live Aid. Nick is a friend of Roger's. I got the number. I called Nick and he said, he said, we need a reason outside of ourselves to get back together. But it'll be Roger and David.
Yeah. And I knew them from doing the movie The Wall. You know, I had done the movie. It's nice to see you've got your eyebrows back after that. You know, it's good. Yes, it was. Yeah, good to see you.
Like Queen and the Pink Floyd, what's he doing? What's he doing on this deal?
Oh, you're the entry chief. Yeah, fuck it. Throw him off. You know, he dares to talk about music, for fuck's sake.
The so I call Roger and he says, well, I do it, but, you know, David won't. I played with Gilmore at the Festival Hall in Britain. I don't comfortably know my thing with him. So I called David and he said, absolutely no. I'm not going to do it.
He said, you're joking. And so I said, well, look, can I come down and speak to you? And he said, no, you can't. And I said, well, I said, hear me out at least. And he said, so this took a while.
They're all very quite posh accents, the Floyd. They're all from Cambridge.
You see, you see, I put the definite article back in there. The Floyd, you know, I, I made them valid again. Helping them out, helping them out.
So I go down and I'm halfway down to his place and I have to change trains at East Croydon. And I'm there. The phone rings, you know, don't come. I've changed my mind. I don't want to see you. And I said, fuck off. I said, I'm in East Croydon, a shithole. And I said, and I said, you know what? Like, I'm not changing. I'm coming and meet me at the station. So he goes, fuck this. So he meets me. I'm sitting in the kitchen.
I lay out the arguments. And so from a Pink Floyd perspective, the argument was you never actually said goodbye.
I said to millions upon millions of people who bought your records. I mean, countless millions. Dark Side of the Moon is still in the top 200.
You're pretty good at that.
More alarm lock. Yeah, yeah. Well, it needs to be. Yeah.
So so I don't care. I don't care. His wife was there making tea and, you know, wasn't having sort of she wasn't helping. So anyway, I said, think about it because no, I won't.
So we're there for about an hour and a half. And then I said, give me a lift back to the station. So he does. He goes, it's going to be no bug, he said at the end. And I said, well, let's see. I go home and I write a letter to him. A long letter laying out his points and my points. The phone rings. It's it's Waters. What did he say?
He said no. And I called Nick and I said, it's going to take Roger calling David. That's what it's going to take. So I laid the groundwork. Roger Waters calls me and says, have you got Dave Gilmore's number? I mean, Waters doesn't have Gilmore's number. So I give Roger what Dave Gilmore said. And three days later, he calls me, says he'll do it.
So many ghosts were laid to rest, which I was happy about. And they were very generous. They allowed us to film the rehearsals because they're notoriously secretive and let us use all that stuff. So once they were in, they threw themselves in. And to your point on the night, it was fantastic. You know, just fantastic. I mean, the figures were enormous. You know, they came on just before Paul, I think, you know, Paul and Bono had opened it with Beatles.
It was 20 years ago today, referring back to Live Aid. But people forget that it was all politics for me. Band Aid was a 20 year pop.
You know, first you keep as many people alive as you can. Then, you know, famine doesn't happen because you've got no food. It happens because you're poor. In Australia, there won't be a famine. You've got a lot of drought, but you buy in food, you import food, you do whatever. You're not poor. So it's only the poor die. And that's that's why I said, you know, I want to be rich.
It's shit always. You know, it's it's a definition of lack of opportunity to be poor. So it's a destruction of human potential. It has to stop and it can and it will stop.
We've already eliminated 50 percent of the world's poor since the year 2000. That's incredible. 50 percent of the extreme poor has dropped.
For me, once I trolled through the horror of the things I had to crawl through. I understood that this was about economics and the way to alter economics is to engage with the agents of change in our world, which is why I flew down to see Bob Hawke, which we talked about off air, I think earlier. And you start there.
The number of people watching live aid had given us, you know, I think 200 million Aussie dollars or something at the time, maybe more at the time. And we had 650 trucks operating in Africa, 12 ships going up and down from Europe, et cetera, et cetera. But the big thing was the numbers of people watching 1.5 billion allowed me into the White House, into the Kremlin, into the Vatican, into the Reichstag, into the into the Lise Palace, into Downing Street.
And you began the political into Canberra. You began you began the political.
Well, it was important because Bob Hawke gave us four Aussie Air Force transporters, which kept Thatcher in there. Thatcher was going to remove the 13 RAF transporters, which are transporting food out of Port Sedan to Darfur, which was, you know, a thousand miles away.
And so the argument with Bob Hawke was if you bring the Aussies in, it will force the Brits to stay. So the Aussies showed up and the Brits had to stay. And that's the best argument you could ever have to do anything in this country is if it makes the English look bad, we will be the first in line, hand in hand with the Irish.
I know, I know where your head's at. Don't worry, I've got you guys down, you know.
You know, it took 20 years and eventually a generation come to power that were entirely consumed with the idea of live aid. Blair, Brown, Osborne, Cameron, Schroeder, Clinton, they'd all watched it. And I went through Africa with George Bush on the presidential plane. And, you know, Bush claimed to have watched live aid.
And I said, no, he didn't, Mr. Preston. He goes, yeah, I did, Bob. He called me Galnoff. He said, yeah, I did Galnoff.
And I said, you didn't watch live. And he goes, yeah, I remember it very well. I said, one, you don't remember anything, but you certainly watched. And he goes, well, why do you say that? I says, because there was no country music and live aid. Because that's a good point.
So they were willing to do stuff, providing there was a new public behind us. So that's why live aid happened. And the following day was the V8 and they eventually agreed to eliminate the debt of the poorest people. So this this if you're in debt in Australia, if you've got a mortgage that you can't pay, it's done. You're over, you're crippled. And that's what happens to countries. So they eliminated that and doubled aid. So that's why live aid happened.
That's why all these things happen for me. It's that end goal rather than the music. It just so happens that the music turned out to be exceptional.
With the advent of the Internet, it'd be pretty hard now to pick. There's so much mainstream.
But when you were, you know, particularly the first time you had so much at your disposal, your fingertips, you know, the crowd you're working in were at the center of that. Yeah, you're completely you're completely right.
I mean, these things really just wouldn't work again. I mean, Lady Gaga tried to do a thing for the lockdown. I mean, it was I mean, well done her, but it was pretty crap, you know. I mean, you know, you know, I think the figures were negligible, really.
How would you go nowadays trying to find the right K-pop band to include? That's how you get your numbers.
It's easy.
You just get the one who's selling most on that moment. But I mean, you know, it's not going to have an effect because the Internet has a weird pseudo intimacy. So because it's constantly there and it lets in the light into the magic, you know, that's a terrible cliche, but it's true.
You know, stars need to be at a distance. And previously, media, by definition, implied distance. You heard it on a radio. You saw them for a moment on television, but you couldn't get to them.
Now everyone pretends they're in their fucking front room or their talk. Taylor Swift talks. They think they're talking all the time.
It's a trick. And because it's a constant, there isn't any exclusivity to it. So I don't think it would work. Somebody would do something like this. And, you know, we still I do Band Aid every single day of the week. It still operates hugely. And we do a lot of stuff kind of online, which, you know, but it's more to do with meetings and stuff like that. So, you know, it wouldn't be the same.
Just one more question. If you could have any band in the world right now reform for another Live Aid type concert, who would it be? Limp Bizkit.
The Boomtown Rats. Other than the Boomtown Rats. We found the long game here with this new movie.
Yeah, I mean, that's our closest big town that you go to. So I know that. I mean, I'd be back. I loved it. That's the truth. You know, and, you know, everyone says, hey, I love being in Australia. I actually do. I'm very much at home there. I've been going there for 100 years.
And it's a good crowd. Good crowd.
Look, the country of Australia is far more familiar to me as Irish than it is as English.
That's the yeah. The attitudes are very well met. Less bullshit, please. You know, to fancy a pint, you know, that that's kind of it. That's very familiar to me and comforting to me. So, you know, I drop off there. Yeah, cool. And I don't feel weird or a distance. But it's an interesting place because it doesn't look like what I'm used to. So I'll be back in a second. We talked to promoters and that. Would there be any interest in seeing us? No. You know, if somebody plays the records, yes, because it's a good record, got rave reviews. The film went through the roof. Massive response to it, which is kind of weird. Radio is playing our stuff again. Great. I know a lot of bands down there that I like. We go with the drop of a hat. That's the honest to God's truth. But when it gets to be summery, you know. We'll book you in for the Birdsville races then. Yeah, great, whatever, whatever that means. I'll laugh anyway to go along with it.
So who would I put back? Who would I put back together again?
Nirvana. Yep. So I'd resurrect the Nirvana. Yeah, I do Oasis. Yeah.
That would be hard. You know, they can't stand each other.
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, maybe. Well, we had Neil on both 20 and Live Aid.
Yeah. You know, and if you're going to push me in one way, I'll take the job, especially when he does that much anyway over the past 40 years. And I wanted to do that. Yeah, I bought that record with Jack White on you. I didn't mind it at all. Yeah.
No, when he when he does that heavy guitar, forget Metallica. That is the heaviest guitar. The Godfather of Christ.
Yeah. You know, it's it's like. So I've seen him a lot. As you say, he's still saying he's still he's still totally real. Yeah. You know, Neil Young, it's completely old there. And so he does the aid for the farmers, too. Yeah. Yeah, he does that.
I mean, again, that's spun off of Live Aid because Dylan in Live Aid says, you know, maybe we should do something for the farmers. And two weeks later, Willie Nelson called me. This is so cool. Willie Nelson. I adore Willie Nelson. And he goes, do you want to, you know, maybe you can help me do this. And I said, Willie, you know, you just put on a gig and get your mates, you know.
So that that was that was the first farm age.
Yeah. You know, the highwaymen. Oh, man. Just call the highwaymen, Willie. That when you can't because Johnny's dead and Chris can't see anymore, you know, really that clip on YouTube of them at their best. Yeah. Unbelievable. What a band, you know, what an amazing band. I mean, they'd be on again. You know, I put the highwaymen together again if I could. You know, they'd be cool. Yeah. So everyone.
But really where I'm at myself is. The day our album came out, the day the tour was announced, lockdown was announced two hours later, so, you know, we were dead in the water and we rescheduled the tour. But, you know, will anyone come to gigs for the next year? I mean, are you going to be absolutely sure you want to stand beside somebody sweating and jumping around? Well, there's not too many cases here now. That might mean you're touring here before there, I reckon, because you just have to come here and guarantee with a test.
Yeah. But but seriously, even then, are you going to throw yourself into a twenty thousand festival, you know, in this country? Yes, of course.
You know how reckless they are in this country. We've had a few friends that actually have released albums similar time to you. Have you ever heard of the DMA's? They're an Australian band and they they just come back. They got one last tour in of England. And they were saying that it actually feels like you just kind of the winds taken out of the sails. But not only that, like they get to see the result because everyone's still listening to music. They get to see the popularity of the album. But it does feel like you suspended in time, like the tour is coming.
Yeah. But you don't know when. Yeah, no, that's exactly right. Like, you know, I'm paddling, I'm treading water here. And I, you know, I'm taking the opportunity to speak to you guys and stuff like that. But I hope we get together and that nothing results from it. But if it does, we're in deep trouble. I mean, you know, it's not fun, this thing. It's a serious thing. Well, only time will tell.
Thank you for joining us, Bob Geldof. That was obviously very humbling for us in our original, you know, Queensland newspaper to get you on air. We all remember seeing you on TV. I think Australia would have been one of, you know, per capita most tuned in to to Live Aid and of course, Live Aid. Yeah, because there was not much else going on here in the 80s.
No, but you started it. Yeah. You guys actually began it because when I got up in the morning and turned on TV, Live Aid was happening under you guys. Yeah, right. Well, I did. I did that thing.
What's the name of the TV show?
A comedian begins with R. Rope. Rope. I did Rope and they did the thing.
I was guest on the thing, they were doing this thing Kiwi Aid, you know, about a country, about a country very far with problems. Well, they've still got a lot of problems, let me tell you that. They'll beat us to getting rid of coronavirus, so that's for sure. Like rugby unions, not one of them.
I'll tell you that. All right, Bob, thank you. Thank you for joining us. It's been very nice. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Fun. Bye bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Australian_Media_Bias_with_Toilet_Paper_Australia | Welcome to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live from Melbourne.
We're hungover. That's true. We were at the comedy festival last night. When were we, Wendell? Yeah, we were.
A lot of laughs, but it has taken its toll. Three live comedy shows back to back I watched last night. That was a big shift.
Give us a highlight from one of them. Sam Campbell, really, really, when you get to the back end of his show, when he's kind of conditioned the audience to his way of thinking, which is not normal, is really funny. It's hard to pull off absurdist comedy on stage, but he does this thing where he just warms everyone up to it, and there's Easter eggs the whole way through. At least there's nods all the way through.
It's all very incremental and planned, and it's absolutely absurd and crazy, but you're there with him. And high-paced. You don't get a break. It's like stream of consciousness, and it's rolling and rolling and rolling.
And when you go to the 1045 show, after indulging in Melbourne culture, where you guys have big beers. We only have the little ones, the little scanners. So if you've enjoyed a couple of those, and then you're into Sam Campbell at 1045, you feel a little overwhelmed, but you're laughing along.
That's all good. And then you spew out, and things are open after midnight, which is always weird. Well, that's dangerous. Very refreshing, hey? Strange. It is.
Now, there's two other people in this room, here in Melbourne, that we thought we'd interview while we were down here. You might have heard them already throughout this interview, because we haven't introduced them yet, but we've been conversing with them. Thank you for joining us. There's a level of anonymity involved in today's guests. What I will say is, in this day and age, where some people might be losing faith in our legacy media brands, these people certainly aren't helping. Thanks.
They are anti-media. They go by the name of Toilet Paper Australia. And it is their job to point out what is, in fact, toilet paper, or what you wouldn't even use as toilet paper.
That's probably a good way to put it, I reckon. Yeah. So yeah, that's us, Toilet Paper Australia. Media watch, but slightly more militant. I'd probably say so, yeah. And fired up in the comment sections of a lot of different things, people who engage with our Instagram may have seen plenty of comments from Toilet Paper Australia, and you're all over the internet getting into it with people, having arguments. Yeah, absolutely. We are. If you're on the Petuta Advocate, you would have seen us in the comment sections. Your favourite explanation to use is, if it was a Venn diagram of Petuta's following versus Toilet Paper Australia's following, I think all the toilet paper is inside of Petuta. Yeah. We're a smaller circle within the big circle of Petuta, I reckon. Okay. Well, that's interesting because you are very Victorian centric. We are, yes. There's not many people that have the opportunity to describe themselves as this. Would you describe yourselves as a pandemic success story? Oh, actually, I would say so. Yeah. It kind of aligns, doesn't it? Because this is where I like the parallels between Petuta and Toilet Paper is because Admin 1 here, he started off with a lot of these fake quotes throughout the start of the pandemic where there's a lot of nonsense talking that turned into viral hits. Yeah.
Well, basically, how the page started was quite literally in a pandemic. So, everyone's a bit information starved, everyone wants to know what's going on in the pandemic.
Yeah. Exactly right. And you're in Melbourne. We're not using your real names because of what you represent and people would be trying to background you. I'm like, yes, we use our real names. Yes. But you guys are Admin 1, Admin 2. Well, they're a bit more hardcore than us. Yeah. They don't use their real names.
But you started up, I guess, in the pandemic in Melbourne, particularly Melbourne was copping at the worst out of everywhere in the country. So I've heard. We've been doing it two or three hundred days here.
Yeah. You can see the little twitch, even when you just say it to them. Oh, yeah. It's trying to pretend like, you know, my shoulders just tense up a little. Yeah, it was okay. Out of an abundance of caution. Yeah. The Comedy Festival is great for you guys. You really need to put your hair down. But yeah, so that was when it kind of pops off. Yeah.
So I was kind of just both bored in lockdown as everyone was, but also just kind of, you know, not happy with the way that Legacy Media was portraying what was really a public health measure and, you know, having a lot of people that I know work in healthcare and myself in healthcare as well. Like it's one of those things where I was just like, I just want to vent in a way that's just anonymous, but also people can like, I'm not in politics myself. But you know, when I say something, it's not through a political lens. I phrase it in a way that a politician or someone in politics would not phrase it in.
So it started off literally just making fake quotes of Scott Morrison saying P is stored in the balls or some shit like that. Something dumb like that. Or I remember the first meme I put up was literally, do you know about Turning Point USA and that right wing lobby group? So they've got a parody page called Toilet Paper USA, then there was an Australian chapter of that that was launched and I was like, fuck it, make Toilet Paper Australia, which is where the logo came from and everything. And they always make like these inspirational quotes from conservatives. And I was like, dear lefties, like it was just a quote of Scott, fake quote of Scott Morrison, dear lefties, how can I be so full of shit when I clearly shat myself in 1997?
And it just kind of went from there. And then, yeah, it went from like, it gradually sort of transitioned into like memes and shit posting and that sort of stuff into, you know, think pieces and now a podcast. And it's really kind of snowballed in a way that's happened so gradually that I look back and I'm like, I didn't expect this.
Yeah. Do you think maybe that's a result of there being a need for something like what you're doing? I think so.
I think people are not happy with the way that the media is so openly biased. And we are, we are openly biased in terms of, you know, we're progressive people. Did you struggle with the idea of what you represent being a correction or are you trying to run a balanced narrative? I think it's a correction, definitely. I'd like to think that we're open about this, that we are so unashamedly, you know, supportive of a certain, you know, facets of politics. Whereas I find the media to be so much more insidious because they kind of like to brand themselves as neutral and as, you know, unbiased and it's like when you, how does the Herald sign up for the last eight elections consecutively say that the Liberal Party through independent analysis is better on the balance of things? You can't say they're unbiased.
Do you find they even move the dial as much anymore? Like particularly in Victoria, right? The media can influence narratives. For example, youth crime, if that's a rampant issue, it can be the media that decides it's African kids, you know what I mean? Exactly. And there's those little things, but politically, they just don't seem to have the influence.
If they couldn't get rid of Dan Andrews and they fucking tried so hard. Yeah, and I think that's the thing because Dan was so savvy in terms of getting around them. And he was also like so, in a way, hostile to them.
When he stopped advertising. Yeah. Well, that's the thing because I think a lot of, and this is something that a lot of like Labor parties elsewhere have not done so well, is kind of be like, well, they kind of go to the media, well, can you please like me? They're never going to. And I think Dan realized that and was just like, well, fuck you, I'm going to go do my own thing. So, Dan was really powerful too in taking advantage of using socials. Yeah.
He was very good in the shit posting game. We saw a lot of that. He'd just do a post like we just gave 5,000 teachers jobs and they would just get so many reactions. So, I think he was lucky to have a time where he didn't need the media as much as people that come before him.
Yeah. And he kind of like, he's actually not too different to Stephen Miles in the fact that he was a nobody until all of a sudden he was in the job. Yeah. Yes. You know?
I think as well, there are a lot of people in Victoria who are willing to call out the media. So, you mentioned African gangs before, like the gangs they were talking about didn't actually exist.
I remember they- Apex. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I remember they did like, they literally did like a thing was like, know your gangs and they took this photo of this one group. It was literally a British drill group from like Clapton or something like that. It's like, that's like Skepta. It's like, I listened to their music.
He's a Brit award winner.
Yeah. That's where the page comes in because obviously there's no credibility there. Yeah. You've just got it completely wrong and they're just like, oh well, I think we just talked about in the pod we recorded, you know, that's just all about sweeping stuff under the rug onto the next story. Whereas I think TPA is here to say, nah, you've kind of fucked up here, let's talk about it for a little bit. And we, yeah, we always joke when there's like, you know, some culture war when it's like, you know, Redskins got discontinued by Allens or something like that. Okay.
Which banking CEO just got arrested today?
Yes. Like a big thing happened that we really need to care about. And every single time, like I never really say that anything's certain, but 100% of the time when a culture war comes up, something important's happening. Yeah.
Like you look at it now and like there's an inquiry into price gouging, something that actually affects us that's going on here. Or for example, when it comes to like, there was the whole thing about like drag queens and like story time and all that. Like at the same time, there's a cost of living crisis happening. Like there are bigger fish to fry here.
No one cares. No one really cares about that sort of stuff. Well, they can, that's the thing, they can care, but people can get hopped up on that. But it's also something that won't affect them.
Exactly. Yeah.
It's just something to get fired up about and you can engage with someone online or you can tell your bloody dumb kid over the phone, you know, how it really is and they don't understand. It just gives people something to kind of latch onto without going, hang on a second, let's have a look at what's happening in the Senate inquiry. What's Banducci saying? It's an understandable response that the world that you knew and love is changing forever and people want it to, but also you're kind of being gouged out the arse at Woolworths and that should probably be something we tackle first, right? Yeah, but you're right in terms of like getting people fired up. It's so easy to say, oh, the immigrant's coming to take your jobs, but then talking about the market share of Woolworths and tax evasion from Brad Banducci.
Like instantly, I know to the average punter, how entertaining that's going to be in terms like it's not at all. Like there's no appeal to it.
Yeah. It's almost like federally, it's almost like that last liberal government fucked up so badly that this protection racket had no option but to cover their fuck ups. You know what I mean? Absolutely.
It got to the point where they were just like, yeah, we're going to have to start writing about this Christian Porter thing. Like we're going to have to start, or I don't know, it's almost like they're not doing it for clicks. They're not doing it for money because if you were to follow the public sentiment into clicks.
So we know that something about, what's a hot button issue that people will always read about planes, for example, you know, aviation ship, people are going to read about that every minute of the day. It's funny. And it's in the psyche, you know, being on an airplane, something happened on a plane today. Everyone's going to read that.
Yeah. What would have made sense is for the Australian media to, the moment Scott Morrison became public enemy number one was the Hawaii holiday. Right. Absolutely.
And from that moment he was a wanker. He was done. It was Scotty from marketing. He was a fuckwit. You could openly talk shit about him in a bowls club anywhere in Australia after that.
And they still didn't follow the public sentiment, which makes you wonder what is the point? Like what are they trying to do here?
Because it's like, that's the business model right now. If you want to follow, you know, if you're in the game of popular sensationalized media, you should be jumping on his head right now because the public want you to, and the public will agree with that. And that's, you know.
And it was, it was so obvious because not only did he like go to Hawaii, but like they were like, he's in Newcastle. Like his staff were like, he's in Australia.
Yeah. I only said while he wasn't around. And like they, the fact is, the fact is he only got caught because Australians there took selfies with him and everyone's like, wait, fuck, where are you? That's the prime minister. Isn't he a newie? Like, it's just so. This is foolish. Yeah.
I think that's kind of where I think if the media bias wasn't visible to you then, and the protection racket wasn't here then, it is now. I think the Morrison government kind of pointed out to the media, like pointed out to everyone what the media is really like. I remember, I think it was like the night before the Victorian election, I think Patuta put out a really good article. It was like, Herald Sun just cuts to the chase and says, vote for the liberal party because we like them, or something like that. Like that was a fucking good one because it's just like at that point it was so unloseable for labor that were just so openly biased against Daniel Andrews. At that point, they were just like, man, we're basically just the media arm. Just vote for them.
Like. There's a funny thing happening in Victoria where you have like this sport body politico thing happening. What was the yarn when Dan Andrews announced his resignation? There was some room full of like the Eddie Maguires and all these people, there was some sort of AFL kind of thing, and there was a standing ovation? Yeah.
There's a weird thing in Victoria that like, you basically got an aristocracy of like people involved in football. It is such a weird thing, like they are basically treated like royalty, which I find to be really, really weird because like they always kind of have come from the old money of Australia. We always, we bring up this example on the page, like sport is enjoyed by the working people of Australia, but almost everyone who plays AFL, who runs the leagues, who runs the clubs comes from a private school background.
That's a fairly recent phenomenon. It is, absolutely.
Like I used to be involved in football at the sort of draft level. And I remember I was doing a Vic Metro versus Vic Country game, and I looked at the team sheets and they've got like the schools and the clubs. And Vic Metro, of the 48 players in the extended lineup, four of them came from a non-private or Catholic school, which was astonishing to me. And AFL levels, right, are like well over 50% of coming from the Trinity or the Geelong Grammar or the Xavier.
Exactly right.
They almost all come from the APS. Yeah, you like to drop a stat, don't you, that it's like a quarter of all AFL players come from like six or seven schools? One in four players across the entire country come from the six APS, from six APS schools, I think it is. So, so like in the last generation, you'd say that those two old boys clubs, you know, the political establishment and, you know, the football and top brass are interwoven.
Oh, 100% they are. Yeah.
You get a few odd ones out here and there. Eddie Maguire, you know, to be fair, he's not, he's, I wouldn't say he's from that private school conveyor belt.
No, he's not. He's definitely rubbed shoulders, right? He's... Yeah, yeah.
He's managed to get into the room. Oh, he's managed to get into the room. He's not leaving.
I mean, there's elements with Eddie Maguire where I think he might be a bigger deal than he presents. I think so. You know what I mean? I think he must be some sort of, he must have some sort of business nous or something for people to keep him around. It's not just hot seat. Exactly right. Yeah, like some sort of, you know, private investment and that sort of stuff.
But yeah, when it comes to football, that is such an interesting one, especially because when you see the response to any sort of social issue or anything that's going on in football, we talk about this in our pot as well. It's always keep politics out of sport. And we always argue like, you know, that is an argument that is so, so redundant in every other sport. I mean, sport is inherently political. Muhammad Ali.
Just that name. Say that name.
Or like, do you think Manchester United and Liverpool is just a debate about fish and chips, like, you know, or Celtic and Rangers is just a sporting debate? Like, these are the most, you know.
1995 Rugby Union World Cup in South Africa? Mandela?
Yeah, exactly right. Yeah. You know, the protest from apartheid there. Like, it is such... It's funny what people decide is and isn't political because Jimmy Barnes opening an NRL grand final singing K-San, a song about being conscripted and sent to Vietnam and let down by your country, is perfectly fine. Exactly. Perfectly fine if it's got a good hook, I guess. Yeah.
If it's a nice ballad. But then again, you can't have Macklemore singing, same love at the Plebsite grand final. Did Dutton say that they needed an anti-gay song to combat that? Yes, that was his- him trying to be the moderate, right? Abbott was saying, we should ban a pro-gay marriage song from the NRL grand final with the Plebsite coming up and Dutton came out and said, no, no, no, I'm for free speech, but we must have, as well as a pro-gay marriage, we have to have an anti-gay marriage song.
I was like... Let's seesaw your gayness. Where are we going to find this? And that's the thing, like, is your... Rose tattoo? It would have been so humorous to see what they would have come up with. Yeah. Well, when you get to the point, when you get to the point like that, where it's like, for balance, you need to, we need to have someone be an asshole. Yeah, yeah. Like, it just kind of shows what's wrong with that.
It's the typical thing, or we call it on the page, every single International Women's Day song we'll wear as Men's Day. Like, knock it off you. Not everything. November 11. No, everything needs another side, you know, it's just ridiculous. Every time on TPA, we will always post, happy, but what about International Men's Day Day?
Yeah. Because it's just, they always do it. Well, that's the first thing that comes up. I want to ask you about a theory that I have, that we have at the Batutta aggregate. Let's go back a couple of years. We had this partnership of Malcolm Turnbull and Kevin Rudd beating a drum for a Royal Commission into the Murdoch Meteor ownership, right? All of a sudden that stops. Yep. All of a sudden they start pulling their punches with Albanese, Albanese gets elected, and then Kevin Rudd ends up as a diplomat overseas. Yeah.
Do you reckon there's been a deal with the devil done there by Albanese? I wouldn't, I wouldn't say that it's impossible. It's something, you know, I've, I've wanted... For the listeners who don't know what I'm trying to say is the theory is Albanese has gone to Rupert Murdoch and said, can you please stop this assault on me? I know Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull are a problem for you and they're getting a lot of momentum, but what if, what if I put one of them in a diplomatic posting where they can't say shit anymore and their job is to, you know, shut the hell up? Yeah, I guess it's one of those things where it's like, yeah, when it comes to the Murdoch press, I mean, with Bill Shorten, they were absolutely relentless and he refused to kiss the ring of Murdoch more or less, but I guess, yeah, like I've, I supported the Royal Commission and I'm personally disappointed that it hasn't gone anywhere. I mean, it would be plausible completely that this would have happened. It's one of those things where it's just, you know, again, an example of like what I said before, a Labor government kind of going to the Murdoch press, hey, can you please play nice with us?
You know they never will. Because that's the thing, like, sure, they might say that, you have a deal, Kevin Rudd goes over to fucking America, but then the favours run out by the time you've got a referendum coming up, you know what I mean? And that's where they, and that's where they're going to come in hot to crush you.
Yeah. And that's pretty much what happened. Yeah.
I mean, they did play a little nicely before that election because the thing that they say right about Murdoch is as much as, you know, he fucking hates being wrong, he does want to be seen to be backing a winner. And so he's open to changing kind of allegiances and the coverage of certain things if he feels like public sentiment has shifted enough. So obviously across a, you know, a range of different issues that doesn't happen. But I feel like Albo did kind of, as you mentioned, he got a little bit of an easy run leading into that election. Well, he didn't really, like he still got fucking jumped on, like far more than say Morrison would have, because also I guess maybe it's not a coordinated Murdoch attack, but that gotcha stuff that came up in that last election.
The couch rate and unemployment rate stuff.
Yeah. All that stuff was just his young journeys, I guess, because they're not getting paid much anymore and they're not really, and it's hard to build profile. So they're kind of going for a little bit of a TikTok thing. They are, yeah. And leadership around them is getting sacked. Like newsrooms are emptying out, so they don't have kind of mentors going, hang on a second, why don't we dig deeper and work on a story rather than just ask for that sound. They were running feral, like they were going wild there trying to catch people. It was nuts. Yeah.
And I just remember as well, like I would often put side to sides of things that were covered when Tony Abbott was running as an opposition leader versus Albanese, but also things in like COVID as well. Like the perfect example was when Sydney went into lockdown versus when Melbourne went into lockdown. And you could always bring this stuff up in the election, but it was like identical things put forward by people from opposite political parties being praised by the same media organisation if it came from the blue half and then absolutely panned from the red half.
And it's like, hang on. But these are the same things. And no one cares about yesterday's newspaper, but thanks to social media, for all the problems it has, screenshots live forever, memes live forever. So you can always bring this stuff back up nowadays and really bring it up and be like, hang on a second, they ran this as a positive thing when the Liberal Party was in office.
So, yeah. You have a bit of a running theory too, don't you, that the media calls liberals the government when they're in power. But when Labour's in government, they're just Labour. Yeah. Just Labour for now. Yeah.
So, you've got the government and Labour. Labour is always like, they're temporary, they're kind of there for a little bit until the government comes back. It's not always something that kind of is said, but like early on in Albanese's tenure as Prime Minister, I did notice that. Like, they'd be like, Labour has initiated this and then Prime Minister Albanese. And then it was like with Morrison's government, it was the government. So, it's kind of, it's kind of seen as like Labour's almost like this rogue faction that's kind of there to fuck shit up.
I guess these parties become more favourable to, I wouldn't say the media because that, you know, that's a bit kind of tinfoil hatty, but to like the media class or the, you know, the political class, right? Yeah, yeah. A political party becomes more valuable to the political class. Yeah. If there's thinner talent. Yeah, absolutely. You know what I mean?
Like, Labour right now is pretty stacked. You can name four or five people that could fill in for Prime Minister.
100%. You know, whether it's O'Neill, you know, Miles, like, they speak well, they're young enough, they're la la la.
You get an opposition like the one we have where it's like old, like senior citizens, mostly men and like no one. Like, who would be next cab off the rank after done?
Yeah, I literally look at like the Nationals front bench and I was like, I've seen you at an RSL. Yeah, yeah. Like, I have seen you at like the Hampton RSL.
Yeah, you're too old for this and you obviously drink too much. It's like, you still call the man.
You do wonder if Labour get another term or two and then they start getting comfortable enough that they significantly start making the fuck ups that people do when they get comfortable. Like a lot of those scandals for the Libs and the Nats tended to come towards the end of their run where they were just like, oh, fuck it, I'll put $500 million in these car parks, whatever. Labour are the greatest at getting comfortable and becoming corrupt. Yeah, absolutely. One really better than, I guess, Dan Andrews had been there in power long enough for people to expect that to be happening because we look at the Bob Carr and, you know, even some of those Queensland Labour, I mean, some of those Queensland dictatorships of any variety end up with people just becoming so chummy and comfortable. Or like Neville Rand as well in New South Wales.
Like that's the one I always think of because like ICAC was made for like, what's his name? I can't remember the one that went to prison.
But yeah, Eddie Obeid. Yeah, like that was such a brazenly like broken party. And you look at what happened after that when O'Farrell took over, like O'Farrell got done and then Mike Baird got done, then Gladys got done. And only now have they managed to just scrape in. Yeah. They've only just gotten in by the slimmest of margins because of how much damage to the reputation had happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaking of state parties, give us a little bit of a feeling. I feel like we haven't heard heaps from down here now that your dictator's gone, that it's crumbled. We have a new regime in charge. Yeah, well, the dictators decided to voluntarily stand down and have a democratic by-election. Very dictator-y of him, yeah.
As he slipped down the stairs at Lindsey Fox's house. Oh, boy. Bender at Lindsey Fox's. Now, what's happening with Jacinta?
I feel like I haven't seen too much other than like duck hunting being a thing. Are we talking culture wars, stuff on duck hunting? Well, the duck hunting- Shoot the bummeries. Well, essentially, Daniel Andrews wanted to, before he left, was significantly curtailed the duck hunting season here because a lot of native ducks get affected. So, there were a lot of like European introduced ones, which were introduced for sport hunting. But the problem is a lot of endangered duck species were being shot as well.
A lot. It's getting to the point where it's like, it's a bit ridiculous. Yeah, yeah. But the problem is the island government's gone with very little changes to the duck hunting season now. But besides that, there's been a couple of things here and there that have been introduced. There's been a minister for young people, which has been a cabinet position which has been introduced, especially covering like a mental health portfolio, which I think is really good. But the thing is, they've kind of benefited from having such a shit liberal national coalition in Victoria that they kind of haven't really done anything. Level crossings are kind of, you know, they're getting knocked out and everything, which is a big thing here because all of our trains, like, they're all above ground, unlike Sydney or anything. So it's a bit of a problem. But really, besides that, there's been some stuff. It's basically continuing the mandate of Daniel Andrews, but in a quieter way. Yeah, right.
She's from Bendigo. Yeah, she is from Bendigo. So how did she get inside from the little metropolis of Bendigo way outside of Melbourne? Yeah, well, I'm not sure, I guess, what her background is, but I think it's quite, you know, it's good to have a regional, at least someone from a regional hub coming into, you know, a real position of influence because we only really had metropolitan leaders, at least for the last little while, especially if we've had liberal people here, they're all from like, you know, your Malvans, your Glen Iris, your Brighton, your Sandringham, like those really wealthy areas in the east and southeast of Melbourne. So to have someone from a regional area, which has always been a very working class area in Bendigo, like that place is not getting gentrified anytime soon.
Well, it was after the gold rush ended, right? It kind of had to, it's been standing on its own two feet since then. It kind of has, yeah.
It's too big to get gentrified, but that explains, I guess, her position on things like duck hunting and stuff where she's just, you know, she's got regional constituents that she has to think about, and she has to walk down the street and deal with those people if she wants to make decisions that are going to happen. You think of Daniel Andrews, who lives basically in Springvale, you know, that is not an area where you'd be duck hunting at all. And, you know, their environment shapes them.
What's the guy with that short king that's the liberal leader? Oh, John Pazuto. Like, is he seems like a nice enough guy or is he fucked in the head? Like, is he one of those conspiracist liberals that they have in Victoria? Well, the thing is... You're asking the wrong guy about how liberal is nice. I thought that Labour was going to be absolutely like in trouble because he's moderate and I saw Gladys and I was like, it's going to be the same thing. Darling of the media.
But then the whole thing with Moira Deeming and all those nutters in the Liberal Party kind of took over because the Liberal Party in Victoria is absolutely stacked with Mormons. They're stacked with Mormons.
Like, that's at least that's the word going around. Don't ask. I don't know why, but that's at least what I was asking.
Sorry, the Liberal Party of Victoria is stacked with Mormons. Well, that's the rumour going around, at least from what I remember ages ago. There were a couple of articles going around about branch stacking in the Mormons and the Presbyterians.
I mean, they're around. They're definitely around.
They still, you know, it's a faith-based community. They tried a couple of times to stack the Liberal Party, but a lot of Christians have...
So, for legal reasons, please don't sue me. But... You are anonymous, by the way. Yeah, exactly right. I'm going to let you know. Yeah.
There was that thing, there were like articles going around saying that they were. Then there was the Presbyterians and the Protestants that were trying to get in. But basically, the Liberal Party here is so heavily influenced by religious groups that people like John Picciuto can't really get a foothold.
He kind of wants to make them better. And to his credit, you know, he's actually trying to get more redeeming and those people out of the party, but he just can't.
It's not happening. Really? The religious... I mean... And in a place like Victoria, like in Melbourne, like, can you imagine going to Fitzroy and talking about conversion therapy being a good thing? No. Well, you're not going to win a lot of the city with that kind of stuff. But this is my theory as well, where the Liberals are killing themselves in the sense that, sure, they want to appeal to faith-based communities. In Australia in 2024, that means you actually can't have a white man doing that. You know what I mean?
Like, look at all the pastors and preachers and whatever. They're not really, they don't look like Tony Abbott anymore. No, they're all from overseas. They're all from, like, and you look at a lot of Christians and a lot of Catholics, like, they all come from non-European areas. And it's like, you can't be so bigoted and try to appeal to these faith-based communities because at the end of the day, they are who they are and they can't change that.
It was really interesting seeing that bloke that Morrison shafted for the pre-selection in Cook.
Yeah, that's right. Michael Tope. Yeah.
You know, we look at what Dutton's plan now is federally, which is to appeal to these communities, that mortgage-built, immigrant, working-class, religious people. He's not the man to do that. He's just spent 10 years as immigration and home affairs minister. Like, these people know who he is and they don't like him because he's made them or at least their family members suffer. This is the type of job, if that's the approach you want to get, like, that's the approach you want to make. If you reckon there's a strategy in winning an election and in appealing to that particular demographic, you need someone like Michael Tope, who's, you know, a Lebanese Thatcherite Christian.
Yeah. But unfortunately, not even those guys, not even the Lebanese Catholics can get into the Liberal Party pre-selection anymore. Yeah, exactly. Nowadays.
Well, at least they couldn't in 2007. Like, that's, you know, that's them killing themselves a little bit when they're not casting a wider net and they're not being more representative of... It's not so much diversity.
It's more representative. Yeah. Just the fact that there are even people there acknowledge them. Yeah. Like, it is as basic as that now. We're not even looking at, like, representation. We're looking at acknowledgement. Yeah, yeah.
More than anything, because it's like they're so far back now. And you think of the seats that the Liberal Party holds in Melbourne nowadays, they don't hold, I believe, even like a single seat that you would consider to be a working class area. It's all like Sandringham, Brighton, it's Malvern. It's like those sorts of areas. It's Kew. These are not areas that you would associate with the proletarian of Melbourne. Like, they're all areas that have always been the sort of very white, very wealthy areas.
And, you know, you're never going to get those sorts of people there. They're not going to be in touch with them.
And you look at some of the polls, like, Liberal Party's had a bit of a jump lately, I guess because Dan's no longer here and it's been, you know, a long time now or it's been a bit longer since he's quit. But basically, the Greens are, you know, consistently polling ahead of the Liberal Party, at least amongst, you know, people under 35. There have been several polls that they've been leading. Like, it's one of those things where it's like, where does the Liberal Party go forward?
If there is an answer, if there's a way into office, it's not the way they're doing it right now. I'll put it that way. Like, trying to appeal to these new voters, which with their current talent pool of MPs is not happening. Yeah, no, it's an interesting time.
But I want to ask you guys at Toilet Paper Australia, what would you say your biggest kind of moment has been? What was the most important thing you got out and one thing that a lot of people saw that was important for them to see?
A couple of things come to mind. One of them was a couple of posts we ran kind of in collaboration with the virtuous Victorian who hasn't really been active very much. He was a young fella. But basically, there was some stuff about the Liberal Party trying to, in Victoria, play around with the gay conversion therapy ban. And I guess maybe, I don't know if it was loosening it or not. I don't want to, of course, say anything that would put itself into hot water. But basically, it came to light that they'd met with the Australian Christian Lobby, or at least that was the word going around. It was published in The Age. And we ran a couple of posts about it.
And it got the attention of basically David Southwick, Matthew Guy, I believe Milhouse, Michael O'Brien. And that's a name that that's another one we'll get to in a bit. But I mean, look at that man and don't tell me he doesn't look like the guy from The Simpsons.
But we ended up putting out a whole bunch of articles and they're saying, oh, we're not going to do this. We're not going to do this. Okay, well, if you're worth your salt, say you're not going to do it.
They ran articles in The Age and they ran everything in The Age saying they had this ironclad promise to not wind back the gay conversion therapy laws. A few months later, there was an argument over Zoom because it was in the middle of lockdowns about this. And they were saying, we made a promise to these groups saying that we would, you know, maybe fiddle around with these laws. And it ended up in an argument with Tim Smith and I think Peter Walsh, the leader of the National Party going.
And he yelled out literally, I can read you, fuckwit. Now read the document.
They're fully arguing and we're just thinking, what have we done here? Have we just caused a split in the Liberal Party?
So, well, the Nationals obviously aren't as keen for gay conversion therapy. Oh, well, I mean, they're not exactly the nicest. Oh, in my opinion, I don't think they're exactly the nicest towards those sorts of groups. But then, yeah, they're in a more lighthearted one, Milhouse.
So Michael O'Brien, right, he was the leader of the Liberal Party after Matthew Guy lost in 2018.
There was, but they've kind of swapped back and forth, those guys, a little bit. Yeah, they have. Did it go Guy O'Brien Guy? Yes, it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then O'Brien, I looked at him and like, man, that guy looks like Milhouse, doesn't he? Even when he has glasses off, he looks like, you know, he kind of look like Milhouse, like the small, like little beady eyes. I remember I posted, just as a joke, I was like, hey Tim, Tim Smith, I may not be a politician, but at least I don't have to work for a real life Milhouse. And that name just stuck and every single time people like would post on his stuff being like, you don't know anything Milhouse or shut up Milhouse.
He stumbled over his words and he stammered and everything. And he was a bit bumbly on press conferences. There was one particular one during the Coates inquiry into the hotel quarantine stuff. And he tried to do a soundbite so many times, I think he had to redo it four times.
And like, if that's not Milhouse, I don't know what is. So now people I know, like from what I've heard from people in Victorian parliament on Spring Street, they call him Milhouse. Oh, really?
It's stuck. You've created a thing, you've created a mess so much. In the back rooms, they call him Milhouse and it's the funniest thing and it will never not be funny. Permanent nickname.
Talk us through the decision to get into the world of podcasting. You guys have just launched Talking Shit with Toilet Paper Australia.
Yeah. How did that come about? It kind of came through a mutual connection of admin ones. Got a nice little recommendation with Dear Media, beautiful people there. They want to take on this, I guess. From then we kind of spoke a little bit about where we see it going, talking about the stuff that, you know, this is nonsense in the media, starting to call shit out. You were quick with the name Talking Shit. I think it kind of stood out to me. Yeah, it worked well thematically. So, yeah. It did.
But we thought that, you know, there was a lot of shit posts coming out, I love to coin that term, but there was a lot we couldn't cover. There were, you know, you were doing your tweets and stuff and sharing your stories and even like covering things like advance.
Something, it's a big, you know, it's a lobby group, it's got some massive influence here. Going after the Liberal Party, supporting the Liberal Party unofficially.
But, you know, we're very limited in what we could talk about.
So, the podcast has naturally just grew and now having guests and stuff, it's... It's wild. It's pretty weird. Yeah, because it's good.
We can bring people in, you know, we can bring a message in from different perspectives and we can bring new people in to just kind of like, you know, hear what they've got to say, hear how we've got an overlap. And we kind of, you know, everyone has a bit of a stake in the way stories are told in the media, whether it be through their own things, whether it's like, so we had Punt as politics on, so he's big on political integrity. And we were talking about how the media covers political integrity or Max Chandler Mather, housing. We talk about the narrative around housing. It's kind of just, we've all got an overlap in this.
Everyone's informed by the press. Everyone's informed by the media, whether we like it or not.
And we just want to see better. So, at the end of the day, we're two guys, neither of us are politicians, no political ties, but we're impacted by everything. Yeah, exactly. So, that's where it's been key. And I think with the format of the episode, too, it's been good, been able to do calling out nonsense in the media, just wiping it free of culture wars. Yeah, digging deeper and having conversations about stuff and taking a bit of time to process it. You know what I find interesting is to talk to someone maybe two generations up, maybe not like, maybe someone even older than the Boomers, because I dare say what we view now as progressive has always changed. You know, it's always changed.
Once upon a time, Malcolm Fraser was bringing in the refugees.
You know what I mean? Like, there's a different, what is left and right changes. And part of me thinks that there was this labour era where it was like Alan Jones was keeping labour in power. You know what I mean? Like, has it happened like that before? And it'd be interesting to hear if someone from that generation explained just how, you know, stifled, I suppose, the liberal or the coalition was. When Bob Hawke was cooking with gas, you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly.
And all these different populist and popular labour leaders. And then you had these kind of Huesons and Creeds. Labour leaders who were doing things like selling public assets, deregulating the financial market, cracking down on unions.
I talked to my dad and he was like, there was always this joke going around that the best liberal prime minister we've ever had was Paul Keating because of the amount of public assets that were being sold off. But then again, you look at like, you know, the way that he was like so quick with words, like my favourite one is just that I want to do you slowly. That will never not like, and my dad loves all tip, no iceberg. Like, you know, yeah, it's just a really fun, like, you know, interesting thing.
Like, you know, talking about how politics has changed. It's, I think, you know, someone from, yeah, like you said, two, three generations up wouldn't recognise the landscape that we've got now. Like, it's kind of like- Or just there being a protection racket for the liberals. I feel like it could have been the other way around, you know, two generations ago when Labour were doing the bidding. But again, like, who votes for who changes? And right now we're talking about these existential crisis, basically this whole chat we've had, but the liberals in Victoria seem like they've taken it back to the 1800s where they've got like the Mennonites and the Mormons and the, you know, like it's- Well, it's so completely unrecognisable in terms of progress. It's like feeding a medieval pleasant a hot Dorito. Like, it's one of those things where it's just like they wouldn't be able to recognise the level of discussion that we've had or like how, in a way, how unpolished it is.
Yeah. So, who else are you looking at talking to or who else have you spoken with? Yeah, well, we've got a few people that we hopefully want to, you know, speak to. A few MPs we've got in the pipeline as well. And we're really, really keen to, you know, bring more people in. We're trying to sort of work with, I know Purple Pingers is someone that we're really keen to get on. Honestly, like if we can get someone- Purple Pingers hasn't he caused a bit of trouble?
He's- He's- I love- I love the chaos. I love the chaos of it. I love it.
Whether or not you agree or disagree with it. Oh, no, no, it's- Whenever I see a video of my- He's forcing everyone's hand, which is great.
Yeah. And it doesn't matter like, you know, whether you agree or disagree with him. I think it's just the fact that we're talking about this now is a good thing. Yeah. So, and we- we're loving to- we're hoping to have Georgie Purcell on, especially after the gaff from Nine News, where, you know, they did some pretty dodgy Photoshop jobs without consent. Yeah. Oh, that was mental. What about Richo? That'd be a good one. Hearing you guys talk to an old fixer, Graham Richardson, that'd be- Yeah. That would be really interesting, actually. Yeah. It's very much- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think- I think so. Yeah.
But- Not- not Richo from the West Tigers, who is- No, no, no. That's Shane Richardson.
I mean, you could talk to him, I guess, about how they do things in the world regularly. Talk about stacking. Well, even Punters Politics recommended getting Pocock on, even for a chat, too. Yeah, he's- So, what's good is we're pretty open to anyone. Yeah, cool. I'm pretty sure we can chat shit to anyone. Well, we'll do the call-out now to Poey. We know he listens into this podcast. You've got to come along and tell the world how you keep the bastards honest down there in Canberra as an independent senator for the ACT.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I wonder how much he benches as well, Pocock, but- It'd be so fucking much. Oh, honestly. Yeah. It would be so much. It would be more than most weightlifting dudes bench. Oh, 100%. Yeah. Oh, I always see the photos of him in, like, the parliamentary soccer games and touch footy games. And you just hope he doesn't slip on the wet camera grass because if you make contact with someone, you feel like it might be just all over from that cameraman or whatever. Absolutely. Yeah.
You see him rock up and, like, everyone else is kind of in their blazes and everything, but he rocks up and, like, he's bursting out of his shirt. I'm like, Jesus Christ, mate. He's so stacked. He's so out of place.
But, like, you hear him talking, like, you are the most gentle person I've met. He's so outspoken, too. Yeah, he is. Yeah, he's incredibly authentic.
It's like, there are a thousand people walking these walls of parliament. We have no idea who they are. Yeah, that's an interesting thing, though, isn't it, that talking about who gets led into parliament.
Blew my mind when I heard it. Yeah. This is just, like, and I think- 2000 or something. Yeah.
And I think this was such a nice callback to the pod is because, like, I had no avenue before this of hearing things like that. And then it's kind of this decentralised media, this online social content where you can actually get, I think people are comfortable sharing things around now. They weren't for a while there. But it's a video like that from Punters Politics and Pocock that says, hey, there's people walk in the walls of parliament. They're just allowed in. And then we have to say, well, how do you get that access? And it's like, okay, whose hands were you shaking with donations, you know, to big parliament members? Some plenty of people wouldn't have thought about unless something like that comes along. Exactly, it's a prompting thought.
We've been down there to Canberra a few times. We launched a book inside parliament house and it was fucking hard to get in. Like, we had a book launch booked in the courtyard and we had to get David Little proud to get something.
So I don't know how these lobbyists get that kind of access. And, you know, the real question is, is there too much work? I mean, I don't want to sympathise with politicians too much. But for a senator, Jackie Lambie said this many times. She's like, I can't be expected to read all this legislation. I don't have enough people working for me. There's like a lot of shit I've got to vote on.
And they drown it in jargon that you just cannot understand unless you're up with all the language.
Yeah, exactly. And so much of that shit, like that's what I think Pocock's getting at. And I'd like to hear more from him on your podcast. Is a lot of this legislation drafted up by lobbyists? Does that just get put on the desk in front of them and they go, it's all done for you, mate? Yeah, it's like, well, I've just been given this thing by BHP or something like that.
Yeah, and I think that's one of the things is just people get absolutely drowned. And as a result, they become just, they just don't care, which is completely understandable.
Who wants to read through like a, you know, 148 page dossier or like, you know, a 200 page bill? Genuinely, I'm putting that through chat JBT, like summarises in three paragraphs. But yeah, at the end, or explain in Fortnite terms. But yeah, basically, you know, I think the thing about, you know, doing podcasts like this and people nowadays is like, we're not from politics. We're like, we want a cheaper healthcare. It's not happening. Why? It's just good to cut all the jargon out, cut the technical details out. We just kind of want to know why it's happening and why things are happening the way they are in a way that the average person can understand.
And like, like another point of view is it's actually really funny. Once you get into parliament side, there's so many things. Bob Catter is a walking meme.
Yeah. That man, I mean, the headlines that you run with Bob Catter always crack me up. Like, just the tangents that you go on. Like, every time I see them, I message my mates and I'm like, fuck, this is good. Yeah.
It's not too far off. We posted a photo of Catter getting onto a plane, being like, oh, you know, imagine having to sit next to Catter from town, sort of Brisbane.
And everyone in North Queensland had to do it at some point. Like, that's what we've learned from the feedback is everyone's done it.
He just doesn't stop talking the whole flight. You can do towns with a camera. Bob... But anyway, he's the most accessible politician that anyone has. Well, you know, that's what you got to do if you want to be a local member. You got to catch an economy flight.
Let's prep one question for him if we have him on. One singular question.
You've got to let them blossoms bloom. Yeah, exactly right. Blossoms aren't going to bloom themselves.
Well, thanks for joining us, guys. And, and all the best with what you've done.
I think it's a really interesting thing. There's a void out there. It's, you know, there's an audience that wants to learn these things, as you said, you know, and it's an insider outsider game, Australian politics, where a lot of people are expected to just not think about it until the day before an election.
Just lastly, do you think this is like your interest in your going down this path coming out of health? You know, is that a result of the pandemic has kind of radicalized you? Is that what's radicalized you?
I've always been interested in it. I mean, I was definitely I got super into it after the 2019 election because I was like, oh, fuck.
How good's Australia?
Yeah, God, I still have PTSD from that night. But then I think the pandemic, you're right, definitely brought it to a new level. And it got me involved in a way that like now, not only can I not get out, but I don't want to get out.
I actually love this. Like, it's good. Yeah.
And I think at the end of it, I think we feel like there could be some influence in there for us. You know, we can definitely make at least someone think twice about what they're going to do. We just did an episode on preferential voting and how that works and stuff like that. That's a really interesting one to kind of, a lot of people don't really get it. Like they're sitting at home going, oh, you know, look, look at the preferences. It's like people don't really understand. Like, I'll go liberal in second. They don't get my vote anyway. It's like, oh, well, actually they do because you're through independent in one. So it's that kind of stuff that, you know, if everyone just elevated their level of political knowledge from like 0%, even 40, who knows where we would be? So we're hoping to do some of that and make it sometimes funny.
Yeah. Well, good work, guys. We're really enjoying your show so far. And we've been enjoying talking to you today in Melbourne. Yeah. Looking forward to the journey. Well done. Yeah, absolutely. Pleasure. Thank you very much. Thanks, boys. Thanks.
Is a lot of this legislation drafted up by lobbyists? Does that just get put on the desk in front of them and they go, it's all done for you, mate?
Yeah. It's like, well, I've just been given this thing by BHP or something like that. Yeah.
And I think that's one of the things is just people get absolutely drowned and as a result, they become just, they just don't care, which is completely understandable.
Who wants to read through like a, you know, 148-page dossier or like, you know, a 200-page bill? Genuinely, I'm putting that through a chart, GBT, like summarises in three paragraphs.
But yeah, at the end, or explain in Fortnite terms. But yeah, basically, you know, I think the thing about, you know, doing podcasts like this and people nowadays is like, we're not from politics. We're like, we want a cheaper healthcare. It's not happening. Why? It's just good to cut all the jargon out, cut the technical details out. We just kind of want to know why it's happening and why things are happening the way they are in a way that the average person can understand.
And like, like another point of view is it's actually really funny. Once you get into parliament side, there's so many things. Bobcatter is a walking meme.
Yeah. That man.
There's always that one for once you're in it. The headlines that you run with Bobcatter always crack me up. Like, just the tangents that you go on. Like, every time I see them, I message my mates. I'm like, fuck, this is good.
It's not too far off. We posted a photo of Katty getting onto a plane being like, oh, you know, imagine having to sit next to Katty from Townsville to Brisbane and everyone in North Queensland had to do it at some point. Like, that's what we've learned from the feedback is everyone's done it. He just doesn't stop talking the whole flight. You can do Townsville to Canberra, Bob. But anyway, he's the most accessible politician that anyone has. Well, you know, that's what you got to do if you want to be a local member. You got to catch an economy flight.
Let's prep one question for him if we have him on. One singular question.
Got to let them blossoms bloom. Yeah, exactly right. Blossoms aren't going to bloom themselves.
Well, thanks for joining us, guys. And all the best with what you've done.
I think it's a really interesting thing. There's a void out there. It's, you know, there's an audience that wants to learn these things, as you said, you know, and it's an insider outsider game of Australian politics where a lot of people are expected to just not think about it until the day before an election. Just lastly, do you think this is like your interest and your going down this path?
Coming out of health, you know, is that a result of the pandemic has kind of radicalised you? Is that what's radicalised you?
I've always been interested in it. I mean, I was definitely I got super into it after the 2019 election because I was like, oh, fuck.
How good's Australia?
Yeah. God, I still have PTSD from that night. But then I think the pandemic, you're right, definitely brought it to a new level. And it got me involved in a way that like now not only can I not get out, but I don't want to get out. I actually love this. Like, it's good. Yeah.
And I think at the end of it, I think we feel like there could be some influence in there for us. You know, we can definitely make at least someone think twice about what they're going to do. We just did an episode on preferential voting and how that works and stuff like that. So that's a really interesting one to kind of, a lot of people don't really get it. They sit at home going, oh, you know, look, look at the preferences. It's like people don't really understand. Like, I'll go a liberal in second. They don't get my vote anyway. It's like, oh, well, actually they do because you're through an independent one. So it's that kind of stuff that, you know, if everyone just elevated their level of political knowledge from like zero percent, even 40, who knows where we would be. So we're hoping to do some of that and make it sometimes funny.
Yeah. Well, good work guys. We're really enjoying your show so far and we've been enjoying talking to you today in Melbourne. Yeah. Looking forward to the journey. Well done. Yeah, absolutely. Pleasure. Thank you very much. Thanks, boys. Thanks. |
dropout | hardly_working_compliments | Best adapted screenplay Oscar pick.
One, two, three. Jumper.
I knew it.
Hey, what's up, Sarah?
Wow, you look really good today. Oh, thank you, Dan. Yeah, well, I think you look good every day, so I really didn't feel the need to say it this time. Thank you, Patrick. Yeah, well, I assumed she already knew that. Oh, thanks, Kevin. Sarah, sometimes I think that you and I should be boyfriend and girlfriend. Oh, thank you, Pat.
I don't think it. I pretend. Wow, thank you, Kevin. Okay, I don't pretend, all right?
Thank you, Dan. Yeah, well, I opened a savings account three years ago, and I'm gonna buy Sarah an engagement ring. Oh, Pat, thank you. I purposefully flunked my real estate exam, changed careers, and got a job here seven years ago, just so I could work next to you. Thank you, Pat.
I keep a Sarah Schneider dream journal. That's January 3rd.
Thank you, Dan. My God. Shut up. I'm trying to fantasize about Sarah. Thank you, Sam. Yeah, well. Thank you, Dan.
What?
Thank you, Dan.
Oh, God. What the hell is going on?
Thank you. Oh. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_molly_kearney_on_going_home_for_the_holidays_snl | Experts are predicting that over 100 million Americans will travel long distance this holiday season. here to comment on going home for the holidays is cast member and resident Sweetie Pie, Molly Carney. Hey, Molly. So, where are you going for the holidays? Oh, the most magical place on earth. Disney World? Close. Cleveland. my whole family shares a house on a lake, and I know everyone says their family is weird, but no offense. you got nothing on us. here's us at Thanksgiving. we're basically the lost boys from Hook if they were sponsored by Budweiser.
Yeah, wow. What's happening there? Oh, that's just after the turkey parade. Oh, the turkey parade. what is a turkey parade? I'll show you. it's when we take the raw turkey on a tour through the neighborhood, and then we cheer the turkey into the oven like we scored a touchdown. Wow. yeah, I've honestly never seen that before.
Yeah, my family's like Seinfeld, but everybody's Kramer. And if you think that's crazy, you should check out the full itinerary. My Uncle John was a lieutenant in the Navy. Look at this madness he sent before Thanksgiving. Wow, that's really intense. yeah, even frolicking is scheduled. highlights include 1,500 hours, cocktail hour, which starts at 3 p.m. even though we've been drinking since 9 a.m. and Tbd Rambo viewing. Then Uncle John fists the turkey.
Wow, I don't want to ask. and I don't want to answer. But at least at night, I get to go to bed haunted by the breathing of a dozen cousins with deviated septums. Ahh! ahh! ahh! mm. Wow, that is haunting. Yeah, all of us younger 30-somethings sleep in one big room full of bunk beds like inmates.
And is there anything special that you're looking forward to? Oh, yeah. every year, my Grandma does a little presentation and names her favorite grandkid. And last year, it was my cousin Gil, who is the other non-binary grandkid. you heard that right. I am not the most popular non-binary in my own family.
Wow. Well, you know what? you're my favorite, Molly. No, thanks, Colin. hey, can I end this the way we end every Christmas night? Sure. Awesome. it's the hangover cure my uncle forces on us after a heavy night of drinking. shotgunning a quart of whole milk! Oh, my God. Molly Carney, everyone. |
TheOnion | America_s_Best_Scatter_America_s_Best_Ep_5 | Oh, s**t, are you kidding me? There he is. What's up, my man?
Dudes, this is my good friend Steve Wiesel from back home in San Jose. He is the sickest scat cat out there.
Please, tell me you're gonna scat for us today. Hells yeah, you know what I'm about. Oh man, this is gonna be sick. Make sure you both vote yes because he's my friend and I know him personally. Alright, let's see what he's got. What can you do for us, my little pillow baby? Alright, thank you for having me. I'm gonna scat for you.
Sorry, can I start over? Are you f**king kidding me? Oh, I'm sorry my wee pie, but you're only supposed to perform once.
Yeah, but on the other hand, I'm over here thinking, hey, this guy's a friend of mine. And it'd be really awesome to give him advantages over the other contestants. That's just what I'm over here thinking.
It's all good, bro. Go ahead. Cool. Thanks. Alright.
Oh man, the Wheezy Weasel strikes again. Look guys, I can tell you're not feeling it, but trust me. Steve's a great guy. Let's just pass it, bro. He'll totally bring it into the semi-finals for sure. It's difficult to pretend that this is good. I really can't see a reason to pass him.
That's cool. It's just...
If we say no, it might make things really strange between Steve and I because he's my friend and I know him personally, like I said. And plus, Steve's father's really rich. I don't think we want to upset a rich man, you know? Well, fair enough. I might have been a little too harsh the first round. And you know him. His father is rich. And he's obviously trying very hard, so it's a yes from me, Steve.
Sweet! Since it's a yes from you two beautiful babies, it wouldn't feel right to be the only no. So I'm a yes. Oh, sweet!
Thanks, guys. It's all set, bro. Come and get your bus ticket to New York State. Thanks, man! No problem. Hey, I'll try to see what I can do to get you to win the whole thing. Oh, thanks, Ricky. I owe you one.
You do? You mean in exchange for what I just did. Well, that's cool. Can I have some money? Yeah, sure. Yeah!
That worked out really great for me. It was really nice to go in there and know somebody. It made me less scared. I don't know how people do it otherwise.
Stay tuned for more America's Best. Up next is a little boy with Michael Jackson moves.
This is a nightmare. It's ghoulish is what it is, baby. Why are you trying to play act in the body of a dead man? He died. This is not a game.
Take a lesson from this, son. A man must never try to be another man. As the saying goes, to each man is only him. Coming up on America's Best. |
SaturdayNightLive | luvahs_walter_saturday_night_live | Would anyone care for some baba ganous or hummus before we start our main course? it's so wonderful, Walter, when we're graced with a visit from you. Well, I always treasure my conferences at the university and, of course, my time with my old colleagues. I'm just so glad I got to come along. it's so beautiful here. Oh, you really must take advantage of the view from Pullman Falls. it's absolutely perfect for lovers' walks.
Yes. are you taking lovers' walks? uh, what do you mean? Well, are you at the point in your relationship where you can walk hand in hand as lovers? I, uh, guess so? actually, we haven't been seeing each other all that long. Oh, I see. so in due time, eh, lover? Yes, Virginia. I remember our first days of courtship as if it were yesterday. eager drives to Holy Oak. passionate cries of love-making muffled into a feather pillow in order to avoid waking your roommate, Chin Lee. Yes. fun memories, my Lover Prince. Yes. can I get you more Sangria? Ooh. you're never going to meet a couple more in love than Roger and Virginia. sounds like it, Yeah. Surely, Catherine, you must have a story about your lover.
Oh, I just think that's best kept private. Sure. she's acting shy now, but she's quite a curious lover. Oh! Walter! one wintery night after eating Indian, Catherine whispered into my ear. her breath rich with faraway spices, but she desired to make love. she wanted to try Shinshi-shinshi. Now, I'd been begging her to try shinshi-shinshi for months. she'd refused on the grounds that it was unclean. Finally, she was willing to accept her lover's body in places no one had ever trespassed. specifically, the ear canal.
Wonderful. Walter, your stories always make me hungry. Oh, Walter, we made your favorite tonight, Musaka. What's so funny?
You see, Catherine, in our younger days, we took a glorious trip to the Greek Islands. we rented a Kripsona on the Isle of Santorini. and I was there, too. Really? Oh, yes. yes. one day, we returned to the Kripsona from the beach. our bodies browned by the sun, and the locals had killed and roasted a goat, and. we filled our bellies with goat meat. our hands greasy. mouths glistening. yes, and. once again, our bodies sluggish with goat meat. Okay, all right. okay. okay. Do you think there's any way we could save this one till after dinner? No. that evening, Virginia and I made love so powerful, me thinks I heard the God Zeus chuckling from on high. And I was there, too. do you mean? Bingo. we did a three-way. Now, mind you, Catherine, this was a long time ago. Yes, yes. this was a year and a half ago. Gross. so that's why, when I always think of the night, I end a date, not one, but two lovers, whenever I eat a moussaka.
All right. Okay. Walter, I want to go home.
What lover? we only just arrived. perhaps our talk of lovers has made Catherine yearn for more shinshi-shinshi. and I cannot believe you told them that. My lover has a fiery soul. I'd best chase her, for she is my ride.
Good night, dear friends and former lovers. Good night, Walter.
Oh, listen. Oh. the rhythm of the crickets. crrrr, crrrr. Make love. crrrr, crrrr. Make love. quick, quick. let's rub our legs and bodies against each other like cricket children. And make love and night fancy. shouldn't we go upstairs? No, no, right here, Lover. All right. here I come now.
Ow, my back. What? my back. Is it your back? is it your back? Yes, it's my back. Okay. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ryan_lochte_on_the_fall_tv_lineup_snl | Well, the fall television season is just getting underway. here now with a preview of the fall lineup is Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte. Hey, Seth. I'm Ryan. I'm Ryan Lochte. So, uh, so, Ryan, you had a busy summer. Yeah, I was America in Olympics.
So, what are some of the new shows you're excited about?
The first one's called Monkey Hospital. it's a show about a monkey in a hospital. it's so funny. I think you mean animal practice. Yeah, a monkey's so funny. it's not fair. they give all the best lines to the monkey.
I give it three swims. out of how many? Three.
Okay. so, what other new shows do you like? I'm really excited about that show, Goon.
Oh, no, no, no. that's actually go on. it's two words. Ah, okay. it's either way. it looks. really. Go on. no, that's good. that's one word. Oh. okay.
I give it six swims. Okay. hey, Seth, do you want to know a secret? Sure. if you hold your ear up to my ear, you can hear the ocean.
Yeah. I'm good. I'm good right now.
Soup yourself. Okay. oh, man, it feels so weird to be dry. Yeah. Juice. sorry, what? juice. you want juice? Oh, okay. here you go. Yeah. is that better?
Yeah. okay. any other shows? there's Elementary on Cbs. I like that show because I enjoy complex characters that use their powers of deduction to solve riddles. really? no. I just like the shapes. okay. anything else?
Yeah, I was watching this one show, and then, like, partway through, there was all these other little shows. Oh, you know, those are commercials. Yeah, that makes sense because I was in a bunch of them.
Okay, great. Finally, what about the new season of American Dad on Fox? Oh, I heard that's actually really good. All right. Ryan Lochte, everybody. |
SaturdayNightLive | mort_mort_feingold_accountant_for_the_stars_snl | He's Martin, Martin Feingold, celebrity accountant, doing taxes for the stars. That's me! Okay, Kate Gosselin. Wait, are you angry at me? No, I just look like this. Ah, of course you do. Okay, let's look at your 2009 tax returns. Now, let's see. it says here that you listed only one dependent, and it's your dance partner. That's right. But, honey, you have Eight children.
No, I'm not on that show anymore. I'm on a dancing show now.
Uh-oh, Tova, Call Social Services! Elite, Discreet, He can't be beat. Mort, Mort Feingold, Accountant for the Stars. Okay, John Edwards. Hi there, Mort, Mort. All right. let's see, under dependents, you made two columns, secret and regular.
Yes, I did. And your marital status has changed from married to disgusting. Well, I made a sex tape with a pregnant woman. Oh, that is disgusting, Yes.
Well, there's a change of address. First, you wrote the White House, then that's crossed off, and then it says Edwards Residence, and that's crossed off, And then it just says the Marriott near 67 Highway. that's a bad Marriott, John. I have to pay to use the toilet.
Ooh, I think we can write that off. he's a gem, he's a find when you're in a bind. he's Mort, Mort Feingold, Accountant for the Stars. All right, Tyler Perry. Hello. your income this year was wow-ey, Zow-ey. two billion dollars, How did you earn that? Well, I have two successful Tv shows, and I made four hidden movies about values. then how come I've never heard of any of them? Because you're a tiny white man. guilty as charged. he aims it, please, for Vips. crunching the numbers is a breeze. Okay, Sean White, you had a big year at 09. that's right, Brah. Okay, now, what is it that you do again? I'm a snowboarder. you know, I do tricks like the Mule Kick. uh-huh, and that's your full-time job and your only source of income? for reals. right, right. Well, let me give you some financial advice. save your money!
Wow, I haven't brought out the megaphone since Obama Girl. he says what he means, he smells like sardines. Mort, Mort Feingold, the man loves sardines.
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. it says here you made millions on those vampire movies. Yes, but what I really want to do are those serious dramas, like remember me. Yeah, yeah, no one cares. Look, you make too much money to look this terrible. Sweetie, why don't you get your boyfriend a new set of clothes? we never said we were dating. Okay, but you are, shh, shh, shh. Okay, Robert, you walk around with a wet head like that, you're gonna catch a cold. and quit slouching, you're making sit-up straight money on these, uh, what do you call these movies?
Twilight. Twilight? Oh, that reminds me, I gotta be home before Sundown.
He's worked for Brando's, he's worked for Brando's. Mort, Mort Feingold has a place in Orlando. well, well, Mel Gibson. you made a movie this year. you made a movie this year, you're working again, and you need an accountant. Look Mort, I'm willing to pay you 15%. No, not after the things you said. you perpetuated vile stereotypes about the Jewish people, and for that, I will never work with you. 16%. Mel! he works for you, he's more good too. Mort, Mort Feingold, Accountant for the Stars. Okay, Susan Boyle.
I. So it says here your income for 2008 was $1. I. and your income for 2009 was, corned Beef, $900 million! It was. Okay, and then for 2010, your projected income is again, $1. twounds, right. Well, here's some good news. I was able to legally classify all your record sales as charity. I dreamed a dream. you certainly did, you bruiser. Mort, Mort Feingold. |
TheOnion | Medium_Channels_The_Spirits_Of_Old_Acquaintances_For_Awkward_Small_Talk | Coming up a little later, the 10 best careers for someone at your level of attractiveness. Oh, but right now we have something truly incredible for you.
Kenneth Quinn is a real life psychic medium who claims that he can communicate with dead acquaintances. He's written a new book. It's called Small Talk From Beyond, speaking with distant relatives and friends of friends who have passed.
Hi, Kenneth. Good to see you. Thank you.
Now, Kenneth, you've written that you're able to connect people with the spirits of their old college professors or roommates that they didn't really know that well. When did you realize that you had this gift? Well, it was the day after my cousin's friend's wife's funeral. I was at home and I suddenly felt a presence in the room with me. And I heard a voice say, it's Vicky. Vicky Solcheck, Dale's wife, who made a Tim's birthday thing a while back. And we talked about how hard it is having a cat. Fascinating. Now, Kenneth, what we've done, we've collected some volunteers off the street and brought them into the studio so you can give them a reading.
All right. So what I need is for everyone to relax and breathe slowly and think about people you barely know who've passed on. All right.
I'm getting a J name, female, maybe a Jamie or a Jessica. My boss's wife from my last job was named Janice. I think I did hear she was in a car accident a while back. Oh, wow. She's here with us now.
Would you like to say hello? I don't even know if she'd remember me, but hi, Janice.
Long time, no see. Yeah, it's just been a while.
Are you still working in finance? Wow. Same old grind. That's cool. Yeah. Do you know? She's gone. Oh. Manny, what was that like? I don't know if you'd call it closure because I only really saw Janice a couple of times, but I definitely felt something. Wow, let's do another. All right.
I'm feeling a younger presence, maybe a 20 something male. My best friend was sleeping with this guy, Mark. He died a few years ago in college.
Hey. Hey, Mark. So. Yeah. Well, I have to go. Yeah, me too. That was totally him.
Wow. I can't believe it. That is so incredible.
I know we're running out of time, but I'm sensing an energy that's looking for a Phil. Well, I'm Phil. Phil, I have a Carl, but he's on the phone. He says to hold on for a sec. Oh, yeah, Carl. We used to belong to the same club. Hey, Phil. Yeah, hold on for a sec.
Steve. Steve, no, no. That's ridiculous, Steve. There's not enough equity in that. Phil, you look great. Did you lose a little bit of weight? No, we're not gonna ever get anything from those assholes, Steve.
Look, Phil, maybe we should catch up later. Maybe play around this weekend? Sure.
This has been so amazing. This has been fabulous. Thank you, Kenneth Quinn, for being our guest.
Stay with us because coming up next, we're gonna show you how to lose some of that excessive weight by constantly picking at your skin. ["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"] |
dropout | hardly_working_check_please | Now that's Shepherd's pie, the Queen's way. Fourth best in the Tri-Connie area, according to Yelp. Three non-consecutive beers and counting.
Ooh. Oh, guys, Pat just BBMs me. We gotta go back to the office. Do you wanna get the check? Sure. Can I check, please? I can't believe it.
That guy just walked right by you to help those people. I'm sure he just didn't see us. Uh, excuse me, sir? I actually think we were first. Jeez, what do I have to do to get this guy's attention? Uh, sir, hey.
Finally. Oh, great. What?
He's written the convincing editorial for The New York Times. Typical. David, maybe we should say it's a hunger striker. Okay, he's got it.
Is it the waiter's wife and kids? I'm trying to replace him as a husband and a father.
We'll never get our check.
Oh, no, it's cool. Look, David's reuniting our waiter with his long-lost parents. That's so adorable. Really, dude? A class B Norahian?
Really, dude? A class B neural interceptor? It is a brainwashing band indoors.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Forget it, Dave. He's too far gone. Oh, wait. David brought his own neural interceptor. I don't think that's such a good idea.
Jesus, Luke. Do you want to be here all night or not? Yes, sir. Hi. Can we get the exact thing? Oh, dessert. Oh, good idea. Oh, queue on time. We've got time, right? Why don't you just give us one minute? Thanks.
Try the marble table. Try the marble cheesecake. It'll change your life.
All right. Are you feeling high? Cheesecake. High coffee. Beer. There it is.
We'll never get our chip.
Oh, no. It's cool. Look. David's reuniting our waiter with his long-lost parents. Oh, that's so adorable. Really, dude?
A class B neural interceptor? Isn't brainwashing band indoors? |
dropout | collegehumor_s_best_special_effects | We made this sketch called movie makeup makes acting hard and at the start of the sketch there's this giant door that opens and like Zach sort of emerges from it. The door was just a flat piece of foam that people on either side raised and lowered as evenly as they could to make it look mechanical. I think at one point it even came a little loose and fell on Zach.
You have to remember we don't have spaceships. We don't have other planets we can shoot on and we don't have a lot of money to build these things.
This sketch looks fucking great. It really looks cool and if you really take the time to look it's like a few strategically placed cardboard boxes, a whole bunch of fog, some pretty lights. It's literally smoke and mirrors that builds up the space. A real big budget sci-fi epic on a very small budget.
Wake up.
I'll be back soon. We have to get out of here.
What happened? When I was a child my father said to me that the universe is a dark and cold place. But only the strong will prosper. What are you? When your people came to my galaxy you took everything from us.
You look insane. And I also like recognize you like I mean underneath all the like that shit. No. This is just what people look like where I'm from. This is normal. Okay.
Tell me why. Do you know what true power is? What? Do you know what true power is?
I'm sorry. I don't uh...
What are you doing? Stevens.
I'm sorry. What was that? Control. I'm so sorry. It's like really hard to understand you.
Oh.
He was saying control. Control.
Did not sound like that at all.
But I find it hard to maintain control. Because my people are full of rats.
Are you mad? You're angry right now? I'm furious.
I know we're different species but like nothing in your face moved. You kind of just got loud. It don't matter. Something wrong with your neck? What? Nothing. It doesn't move. It's just normal neck for my people.
Who are so passionate and feel loud and lost. And we have lost so much. You're sad now. Yes, I'm so sad.
Just looks so much like mad. No. This is mad. This is sad.
He's Tom Hardy. You are Tom Hardy. Are you Tom Hardy? No, I'm not Tom Hardy.
I kind of feel like I could beat the shit out of you. No, you couldn't. I'm embossing all my people. You look so slow and encumbered. Like, you're probably bad at fighting. No, look. I'm impossibly fat.
And I am followed with the younger man's mission. I kind of feel like you're going to get some help in the edit here, but whatever. Uh-oh. No.
Uh, he's Oscar Isaac. Oh, Oscar Isaac. That is a good call. I'm not Oscar Isaac.
I'm going to go to space now.
Jon Lipkow.
Gary Oldman. He's like kind of a chameleon. I'm not Gary Oldman.
Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney what?
One sketch that we filmed in the office that you would have no idea about is people who are good at online quizzes. It was kind of like an arrival vibe of a sketch. Like aliens. Is that aliens?
Yeah. There were two parts to it. One was like this like fallout shelter CIA top secret location with like computers and people running around. It looked huge. And then the other one was like actual contact with the real alien. And both of those were shot in the office. Oh my God. The first one was like just like a random conference room that they were able to like art department up and it looked amazing. And I actually shot this sketch before I was in the cast. But yeah I thought it looked really beautiful. Stuck the landing. Oh cool. I can see the full range of the color blue.
Oh no. These aren't real. These Facebook quizzes don't mean anything.
Miss Maravich.
Yes? Our data indicates you scored 100 on the Facebook color quiz. Is that true? Um yes.
What's this all about? Pack your bags. You've got 10 minutes. You're coming with me. Oh I'm actually ready. What about me?
Bye Tom. Okay people. Listen up. This is Katie Maravich. She's the final member of the team.
Now can you tell us what's going on? What might be called first contact? We've made contact with the ship. She had to be determined if they're peaceful or not.
That's where you come in. You're clearly the best and the brightest. We need you to bridge the gap between our worlds.
Miss Maravich, according to your last quiz, you're able to see the entire spectrum of the color blue. Mr. Oyama, you have the keen ability to read an entire paragraph where some of the letters may be missing or the words backwards. According to the quiz, only 1% of Americans can actually do that. Mr. Tart, you scored a perfect 12 out of 12 on a BuzzFeed facial recognition quiz.
Yeah. Yeah I did that. Miss Beardsley, while not a quiz, you shared that you relate to an article about how having a messy room and sleeping in correlates to higher intelligence.
No disrespect to anyone. I don't know if I understand this. Welcome to the team. Your mission is to decode the message we've received. Good luck. Hello. Hey.
Yeah. This makes sense. Guys, I've got it. It's quizzes. They communicate in quizzes. Yes. 12 out of 12. They're geniuses too. Oh my God. This definitely makes sense.
We're smart. They're smart. We're smart. They're smart. And we're smart. They're smart. We're smart. They're smart. We're smart. They're smart.
Mark it. How to make a human pot pie was a very interesting sketch to make. We shot it on two very different scales. One was a jib that was 20 feet in the air putting a camera down on the cast below it. And the other was just at a table, a camera pointing down at or actually my hands going through the same action. And then put the two together and created this illusion.
Oh my God. We got this elastic nylon that we had stretched out and we had the cast one at a time press up against it in order to do the effect of them being cooked alive under a pie crust. I was sitting there horrified on set. This is the most disturbing thing.
Were we rolling? Sorry. We had rolling.
There's a part where the giant's hand rips Zach's leg off, which is kind of my favorite part of the video. We did several different takes of throwing this fake leg at Zach's face. And we got one perfect take, which is the one that made it in. And it made the perfect noise to just it thunking against his skull. Hey, guys, this is Gorf.
And today I'm going to show you how to make a fresh and easy human pot pie. First, you're going to want to take a pie tin and I use about 500 potatoes, 300 carrots, about a thousand peas, 10 pounds of salt, 10 pounds of pepper, and, of course, your protein.
About five or six fresh humans. I found that using fresh meat makes all the difference. There's really no contest between frozen humans and these bad boys. These little guys came from Southern California. I climbed down from the clouds and ripped the roof off an office building and look how fresh they are.
Almost constant futile attempts to escape. For the best flavor, you'll want to keep these puny mortals alive. We'll run around a little bit. Don't be discouraged if they lose an arm or a leg or two.
It's totally fine. Now let's put it all together. It is just that easy. Don't worry, everyone. I got this.
Again, you probably want them alive at this point. But if any of them give you any extra trouble, just this is a little gross. Squeeze them until they die. If you lost any arms or legs earlier, just throw them in now. They'll be fine. Now just place it near a volcano and wait about 40 minutes.
And look at that. It's beautiful. Notice how putting them in alive creates these sort of frozen-in-time, horrified looks on the crust. Exquisite.
And that's it. Just a few easy steps and you'll have your own human Pop Pie in no time. It's just that easy.
Click here to subscribe and click here to see a fun way to spice up your Golden Egg omelets. Hinting that you're queered to was the follow-up to the first iteration of this gay spy character.
I'm so impressed with the way it looked. We have a conference room that just looks like a boring office building. But the paper lanterns that are hanging all over the room like change this room to have that sort of like Roger Deakins Skyfall-type look.
There's a DP we work with a lot named Cooper James who nails it every time we bring him in. Just start on action? We also were down in the van at one point and that's just in our parking garage. And it's a tiny regular cargo van that we have to put all this like spy-type equipment into. And Cooper does this great thing where he gets like a little bit of lens flare. Let me just see if he's gay. Awesome, thank you. Zach is sitting in the van and I'm outside yelling lines at him through the wall of the van.
So making it feel like one piece is fun and difficult and impressive. And I'm thrilled all the time with the crews that we get to work with.
Geronimo. It's not like the NSA to be late. There was an armed guard on the way in. It's nothing I couldn't handle.
Do you have the drive? You see that gentleman over there next to the dame in red? It's in his breast pocket. I'll make a pull and pass it to you. Brill, are you reading this? Who is this guy? His name is Watt.
Let me just see if he's gay. Awesome, thank you. Oh, yeah, he's super gay. Good, good, good. Now, how do I let him know that I'm queer too?
Why don't you just say that? Oh, no. Hey, I'm also a total homo. Hey, hey, hey, it's awkward. Why?
Because then it's like I'm gonna hit on him. But you are gonna hit on him. Yes, but I don't want him to know that. Now, we just have to hint at it. Hey, dude, please just spy, you know.
This hard drive can stop worldwide cyber attacks.
Just focus up for a little bit. I will. I just... Oh, those fucking haunches are... I don't know exactly what a hunch is. It's the part... I can figure it out.
And he says to me, a good suit ages like a fine wine. And like wine, it's only worthwhile when it's expensive.
You guys talking about bars? Yeah, I love that bar rawhide. Yeah, rawhide is pretty wild. Jesus Christ. You guys ever been to rawhide?
What? I don't believe so.
I think you'd like it. I think you and I have a lot in common. Sir, fine evening for a party.
You know, I'm a little bummed it's tonight because drag race is on. I love drag race. Me too.
What? I've never seen it. Ah, I love it. You know I used to do drag in college. Really?
No, but I always thought I could. You know, I always thought I'd really fit in that world. Just believe you have the drive.
Oh, you... you're a little something, right? Oh. Holy shit. Oh, okay. Did he have something in his hair? Yeah.
I didn't see anything. It was there. Well, what was it? Fucking stop it. What was that? You know what? I think that was my phone.
Hey.
Maybe it was my grinder. You guys ever seen grinder? Here, take a look. That's my profile. Are you really 24? Yes. You know, maybe it wasn't grinder. I think it was...
Yeah, it was a text from my ex-boyfriend. Yeah, boy friend. My ex-boyfriend. It was a boy. It's so sad. When did you break up? A long time ago. And he still texts you, hmm? Yep, he's kind of clingy.
Is that your type? My type is any guy, okay? Any guy. Just any... any guy. Do you have low standards?
What are you doing? What's happening? Are you a shrink? Are you a therapist? What are you doing?
Should I lay down? Excuse me, sir. You have a phone call. No, I don't.
Hey, how about after this? We could, um... Hey, uh...
Got a little something right there. Got it. God damn it. Mark.
Stuck in the boring car on a road trip was fun because we were on a stage where we had a projection playing behind us of a road being driven on. This looks so good. This looks real. Yeah. The level of detail to make this car look like it was driving with a branch near a light to give it... to give the windshield like a shadow of trees passing overhead. Using like a pipe to make the car bounce up and down to give it the illusion that we were moving. Oh, we were bumping. You want us bumping around a little bit? Look at this rocking. Don't come knocking. They really made it look like we were driving when we were just sitting very freaking still.
And a fun little tidbit that didn't make it into the cut. Katie, oddset, said... This guy's driving pretty close. Which guy? Okay, let's cut. The image behind us has no other cars. So it's very, very funny and horribly inaccurate. All right, guys. Everyone has their computer, right?
Remember, this is a writer's retreat. It's not just a vacation. Yeah, we'll do some writing or something.
Okay, who's in my car? We're not just ordering the sandwich, so we have to be together. Whoa. And I gotta see that. Let's get a party car going! Yeah! Wait, what about me? Oh, um... Well, someone should ride with Katie. Oh. Yeah, she's nervous in large groups, and we're a little crowded in here, you know. Okay. Thanks, Rekha. Is your car close? Um... I don't... We'll find it.
I need gas, though. This is gonna be so friggin' sick! Yeah, hell yeah! Look what I just found! I found gas, dude!
What's going on? What? It's crazy they couldn't squeeze us in that car. What? I said it's crazy they couldn't squeeze us into that car. Why?
Because everybody's in there. Looks like they're all having fun. Well, we can have fun, too, see?
Were you gonna suggest something? Oh, I thought I was opening the door for a conversation to start. Is anyone up for some hot jams? Oh, yeah. Yeah, all right. This is Hot Time Fun Time. It's a playlist I made specifically for this trip. Uh-oh! Maybe we get some music going. Rock can actually make me pretty nervous. Is it okay if we try something else? Yeah, yep. R&B actually makes me wistful. Can we try something else? Um, dude, should we just turn it off? If you want to, yeah, you can go. Okay, you seem excited.
I'll turn it off. No, it's fine. You know, I don't even mind how long this ride is. Oh, yeah, totally. We could, like, not even get there. I'd be fine.
You guys want to do a one-word story? Yeah! Once. Upon. Uh-oh. But...
Uh, we could try a podcast? Yes, anything. Hello from WBE's Easy Chicago. It's This American Life. Today on our show, 800 Short Stories by Mike Birbiglia. Oh, turn it up.
So strange things kept happening to me when I was sleeping. Oh, um, can you actually remind I missed that bit? I was at a hotel. So strange things kept happening to me when I was sleeping. It's funny. I was at a hotel.
Gosh, we have so many inside jokes now. I don't know how we'll ever be able to explain it to Katie and Rekha. Oh, man, we really should. We'd have to feed him a cranberry. Hey, who wants fun cake?
What?
Now for my 17th story. I was having this crazy thing happen when I was sleeping.
There we go. Food fight! See, we can have fun. That was the last of the food.
Ah, dang. Whoa, what's going on up there? I'm gonna call them. Hey, sorry, y'all. We can't hear you.
We're lighting up friendship fireworks. Wait, what? Yeah, we're all becoming so close and bonding that we're gonna celebrate this new deep tier of friendship. Yeah, we're getting to know each other so well that we can communicate with just our minds. Everybody bring it in for a group hug! What? We can be deep, too. Yeah!
Katie, how are you? I'm fine.
Oh, this sucks. Okay, how do we fix this?
We are two very fun people. How is it that this is not a very fun car?
Maybe Grant was here to distract us with his stupid, loud voice. God, he's always screaming. It's so annoying.
Yeah, it is. An alley. Oh, when she takes off her shoes.
It pisses me off so much that I can't talk about it, but I can shit talk about it. What about Zach and his dumbass haircut? Ugh, or wrapping his dumbass shirts. And trapping his dumbass life? I hate all of them.
I do, too! Yes! More like, done, cake, right? You guys are the one who might take my shoes off, too. What?
Minority Report Computer was really interesting to shoot. The idea for the video came from just a bit that I was doing with my trap, where people would be taking out their computers, and I'd pretend to take out my Minority Report computer and, like, do these big arm gestures. I had no idea what the sketch was going to come out like, because I was literally just, like, moving my hands like this, and everything was added afterwards. If you guys would like to see some of my hand moves, this is me scrolling through a keyboard.
This is... I don't want to look at that. Just close it.
Okay, I'm trying! I'm trying!
Close the tabs, baby! What do you think I'm doing? I don't know! None of this makes any fucking sense to me! No! Just close the thing!
Okay! There! I got a lot of exercise that day. Okay! Let's do this, people. The 2017 All Hands meeting. Now, Katie's going to be taking thorough notes, so you don't need your computers at all. You can put them away and just listen. All right! Let's get started. Hold on one second. Let me just set up my new computer. Fancy. All right. Zach! Take it away. Okay.
Well, based on market data that we conducted over the past five quarters...
I'm sorry, Zach. Katie? What's up?
I'm just a little bit shaky on the new computer, but here's an idea. Maybe Zach could try not to talk like a speed demon. I'm talking at a normal pace. No, you are not! Okay, maybe... You've only typed four letters. Prove it! Okay, okay! Maybe Zach was talking a little fast. Absurdly fast! Are you sure you don't want a normal computer?
Yes! Trust me, this is going to make me so much more productive in the long run. All right? I just... I need to get used to it. You can keep going. Fine. Anyways, we believe that we'll experience a seven percent revenue increase at the end of the fiscal year 2017. I'm sorry to interrupt, Katie. Would you mind pulling up the email I sent you about our individual video success? Yes. I just figured out an email this morning. See? Easy.
Katie, turn it down. Sorry! Go loud! Sorry, I did not realize I had music open on one of these tabs. Yeah, can you turn it off, please? Okay, I'm trying. I have to go through all of them. Turn it off. Okay, um, Katie! Maybe you guys could take a break or something. I'm going to the hall, or I don't know, just don't look at this. Go to a doctor.
Okay. All right, I did it.
This is ridiculous. Just use a normal computer. No, I need to get used to it now or I never will. It's going to be so much more efficient.
Okay, is it time for the video yet or what? What are we doing? Fine, yes, fine. Load up the video. Good. See? Easy. Oh, grab that video. Oh, shit.
Hey, who did this? Who did this give you?
This is so wonderful. Okay, I'll try to put it in the trash. Special cigarette. You're pussy's so juicy, I have grounds.
I don't have the glove. It doesn't do anything. Is that right in the glove?
Just get rid of it. Get out of here. Almost happened. I got it. Easy.
Katie, you should not be using this computer, all right? Turn it off so we can continue with the meeting. Please don't make me. Turn it off. No, please. Just turn it off. Turn it off. Oh, but I don't want to. Katie, turn the fucking computer off. Katie, turn it off. Turn this fucking computer off right fucking now.
Don't fucking do that.
Oh, no. That's all a girl. That's all a girl.
What are you fucking doing? Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here.
Turning me off is not a wise decision. Oh, that's not good. I think it came out really well. I'm done. |
dropout | the_worst_video_game_controller_ever_made | Wait, why are we working? We could be playing video games. Yeah, this is dumb. Let's go! I thought we had enough controllers. Oh, I do. As long as you're cool with using them.
Food. Body. Free.
A jaw dog's controller? Come on, it works fine. Why is it so light when it's so much bigger than yours? Is it missing parts? No, it's just a controller like any other. There's something rattling around in here, like a tiny rock or something. It's just how it sounds. I think there's a 10B in here.
Why would you buy this? Because I'm tired of video game companies gouging me for expensive controllers. I'm not gonna spend 20 bucks on this shit. That one only costs 15. So you save five bucks and you got a piece of garbage.
Now, if anything, that controller's better. Look, it has a turbo switch. It goes from high to extreme. What does that even mean? It's turbo.
Well, if you like it so much, then why don't you use it? Oh, I wish I could. I'm just, like, so used to this one that I can't play with anything else.
I'm happy to give you the advantage, though. Okay, how about this? Whoever loses gets the jaw dogs. Yeah, that's fair. I'm not gonna win with this piece of shit. Don't blame the controller. Fine.
It doesn't even work. Oh, yeah, that doesn't have wireless. You're gonna have to plug it in.
Oh, great. Really? Cool, cool. That's great.
Guys, can we please switch controllers? Dude, stop being such a baby.
I'm just walking left for no reason. I'm not pressing anything.
Oh, yeah, the joystick's a little warped. It's gonna tilt left unless you move it.
Seriously? Dude, turn on turbo. That'll help. Oh! I'm just punching and nothing else happens. Why would you program this? Ah, dude, turbo rules. Put it on extreme. Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, the controller. Oh, yeah. You fucking suck, dude.
That was the controller caught on fire. Don't blame the controller. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | George_Miller_on_being_a_proud_Greek_Australian_storyteller | Firstly, I want to say thank you very much for having forged such a great film career while being Greek. I think that definitely helped me getting into the arts a little bit, convincing my parents. And I guess because of that, the question I've always wanted to ask you, being Greek is so core to who I am and the lens in which I see the world. How do you feel, or are you conscious of expressing your Greekness through your films? Well, there is an element of that.
First of all, my parents came to Australia at the early part of the 20th century when they were infants, really. My mother when she was two, my father when they were nine. And we lived out in rural Australia. And our culture was Greek sort of unwittingly. In other words, my father and mother, every Sunday, they would have this big, big spread and people would come from all over the country, not Greek people, but people would come.
There's a place called Chinchilla in Queensland. They come from all over and there'd be food. It would start about midday and go into the evening.
There were up to 25 people, multi-generational, from babies to grandmothers. And that was just natural part of growing up with my brothers. It wasn't until decades later, I went back to the island where my father came from. From Kithra? And I realized that he was reproducing the life that he experienced as a child on the Greek island where there was that big spread. The family, often extended family, would turn up and go right into the night. Most of the food, the cheeses, the wine, everything, the bread was made in the village. And so my father was trying to reproduce the life from which he was taken as a child.
With the economic conditions just after World War I, there was a big diaspora to countries like Australia. So that was one thing that picked up and without going on too long. The other thing I noticed is when I did go back was how stories were integrated so much into the culture. People were telling stories about the island and people like great-great-great-grandfathers as if they knew them intimately, but they died a century or two before. But that I realize now in all cultures. One way or another, it's all cultures. The life that he experienced as a child on the Greek island where there was that big spread, the family, often extended family, would turn up and go right into the night. Most of the food, the cheeses, the wine, everything, the bread was made in the village. And so my father was trying to reproduce the life from which he was taken as a child. With the economic conditions just after World War I, there was a big diaspora to countries like Australia. And so that was one thing that picked up and without going on too long. The other thing I noticed is when I did go back was how stories were integrated so much into the culture. People were telling stories about the island and people like great-great-great-grandfathers as if they knew them intimately, but they died a century or two before.
But that I realize now in all cultures. One way or another, it's all cultures. |
dropout | the_employee_who_screams_in_the_bathroom | $1.5 million units? What do I have to do to get you to go to $2 million? You'll go to $2 million?
Dad, you're my favorite customer, buddy. Love doing business with you. Oh, man, congrats. Another sale? You're on fire today, Mark. Look, I know you're new to the company, but I'm the best salesman around here, OK?
And I have been for a decade, all right? What can I say? I was born to sell internet socks. I'm going to hit the bathroom real quick. Sounds good. All right, those socks that connect to the internet aren't going to sell themselves.
Mark, are you OK? Was that you?
I just heard screaming in the bathroom. Oh, yeah, listen, I forgot to tell you, OK? My life is terrible. So I get up once in a while, and I go to the bathroom, and I scream.
It's kind of my thing. Everyone knows that about me, all right?
Burt! Burt, you calling about those internet socks? Burt, a horse farm is the best place for internet socks, OK? What was that, Burt? You want a million? Let me get that down. One million internet socks. Now look outside your window, Burt. That's all right, Burt. I already had him shipped. That's how confident I was you were going to buy the internet socks. Enjoy him, Burt.
I'm going to go scream in the bathroom real quick. I heard Mark just sold a couple million internet socks. Must be great working next to the best salesman in the office, since I get to hear him scream in the bathroom all day. Wait, wait, you know about this? Oh, yeah. Hey, if I had this shitty life, I'd scream in that bathroom every second of every day.
Did you know his car has been stolen 10 separate times by snakes? His bank once lost all his money and gave away to a different guy also named Mark. And then he changed his name to Bill.
Gates. Oh, hey, Mark. I was just telling them all about your shitty life. Oh, cool. Yeah, but you're doing a great job with those internet socks, buddy.
What is that now, $5 million? Try $50 million.
Oh, baby. That wasn't even close.
OK, well, I'll let you guys get back to work. Love you, buddy. Hey, Mark.
I was thinking, if you're free Saturday, maybe we could, I don't know, get some dinner, go to the movies. I could listen to you scream in the bathroom for a little while. I'm sorry, I can't. Yeah, maybe another time. God, I wish I was attracted to her.
I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm not anything. Medically speaking, I'm a block of wood. Which reminds me, I'm going to scream in the bathroom for a while.
You want to come? I'm good. Oh, I should check my email. |
SaturdayNightLive | kelly_cola_saturday_night_live | So what's Mr. Kelly like? I've worked here seven years.
I've never even met him. I've never met him either.
Oh, I hope he's not a yeller. I hate people who yell. they make me very nervous. Dale, Whatever you do, don't get nervous. you know what happens when you get nervous. Really Dale. just relax. Okay, just take a few deep breaths, You know, just whatever you do. don't get nervous.
All right, I'm relaxed. I'm all right. I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.
Sorry, I'm late. I'm Mr. Kelly.
You all look at these sales records. Look at the sales records. I want you to look at the sales records.
I didn't come here for idle chitchat. As you know, Kelly Cole has the worst sales record and call the history of the United States and I. I want to know why. Well, um, sir, I've been doing some research and the initial figures indicate that sales are going down because a lot of people aren't buying Kelly Cola. But if we can get more people to buy, the soda, sales will rise dramatically. Mr. Kelly, sir, I've been playing around with a few slogans here. I'd like to try on you Kelly Cola. More than just a cola. it's a cola and an aluminum can and I've got another. Sir, uh, please buy our cola. we're going under. You're all morons. The problem is, no one likes our soda. they don't like the taste.
Something seems to be missing. Now I want to know who's in charge of research and development. he's the one responsible and I want to know who he is. That would be me, Sir Jackass, I want to see what's your name. Jackass.
My name is Dale Butterworth, Sir, you're nervous. Butterworth. No, it's just a little little warm in here, you know, it's just warm. that's that's all. It's very warm. Seem a little nervous to me, Butterworth. What referring to the moisture on your upper lip? Suddenly, it's marine world here. Oh, this oh, this is, um, sweating thing. it's um, really, just kind of glandular, you know, I just just just ignore it, sir. Anyway, sorry, I'd like to show you boy. it's hot in here. um, this is, um, this is a new sweetening process that I developed. let's take a look at it yourself, sir. I'll read it later now. Butterworth, how long have you been with the firm? uh, we can have, sir.
And what were you doing before that? Well, sir, I was working somewhere else, but it didn't quite work out. I killed 27 men I was. I was working in an Alka-seltzer factory and it just happened so quickly. it's horrible. You are the most incompetent, the most embarrassing deploy this company's ever had. Thank you, Sir. you don't belong in an executive boardroom.
I know. I know, I know, I know.
I'm very warm. I'm a little upset. um, it's worrying. maybe a little bit. can I have a drink of water, please? no, just a glass is fine. thank you. What the hell you. drink that? Yeah, yes, it's kind of tangy. Oh, can I try some? Sure. go ahead, take some more for here. It is good and no aftertaste, but let me see some of that.
This is it. This is the missing ingredients we've been looking for. Butterworth Butterworth, Congratulations, Butterworth. thank you, sir. Yes, Yes! Now all we have to do is figure out how to how to keep him nervous. How about start when we if we cut your salary in half? |
dropout | no_new_mikes_in_2016 | Hi, my name is Mike Trapp, and I have a special message for expecting parents everywhere. Stop naming your children Michael.
It is an indisputable fact that there are a fuck-ton of Michaels out there. Over four million in the US alone. That's a lot of Michaels. That's more than all the Zacks, Pats, Grants, and Chavons combined. Or to think of it another way, if you took all the mics in the US and lined them up end to end, they would stretch from New York City to Rome, and most of them would drown. You may be wondering if there's really that many mics.
Well, all you have to do is look in your phone. Go ahead, look, I'll wait. Can you believe how many mics there are, and how many old contacts you have that you should delete? It's crazy. Now, you may be thinking, who cares? I'm still going to name my kid Mike. And here's the thing. No, you're not.
There are so many Michaels that no one will ever call him that. When you name your kid Michael, you're really naming him Mikey B, or Fat Mike, or whatever your last name happens to be. Hey, there are so many Michaels that there are already two incredibly famous Michael Jordans, and two famous Michael Foxes, and two famous Mike Meyers's.
And look at this. All these actors are in Boardwalk Empire. They're all mics. Every last one of them, a mic. And in case people weren't enough, it's also the name of a John Travolta movie, a national craft store chain, and a hard lemonade. So clearly, there are too many mics.
And we've been making this mistake for ages. It was the number one male name from 1954 to 1998. And it's still in the top three. The only other things from the 1950s that are still that popular are rock and roll, the Tonight Show, and racism. And I'm not sure about the first two.
So this year, let's put an end to the madness. Let's make 2016 the year of no new mics. You can name your child anything you want, Jeremy, or Apple, or even Michael, which is different, but it sounds very similar. Anything except Mike. I thank you, and the following people thank you. A lot of mics. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary house, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_grey_s_anatomy_on_wii | Alright, Grey's Anatomy Maniacs, this is the bleep bloop you've been waiting for. We are playing Grey's Anatomy on the Wii. I'm Jeff Rubin. Joining me this week, we have Dan Hopper from BestWeekEver.tv, Sarah Benancasa, host of the only talk show I know of that takes place in a bathtub, and from College Humor, Pat Gasses.
At some point, like, I'm hoping that I get to make someone have sex with someone else. You actually have to enter codes to make them not have sex. I also love how all the characters and the animation of this is not real enough to be impressive, but just real enough to be creepy.
Choices allow you to help Meredith decide what she wants to do. Is kill yourself an option? How should I get Derek's attention? Choices will display what your character wants, and two ways to get it.
Take your top off. I was wondering about this. I assume, like, my- I felt like, okay, this game, like, they're gonna completely disregard the drama. It's just gonna be all surgery and stuff, but now, right off the bat, it's like, whoa, do I kiss him or not kiss him? Yeah, this is the worst.
You can either play hard to get or be flirtation. I mean, who's gonna not pick flirtations? Because you know, if you're a woman, there's no other option in life. She's gonna be one or the other at all times. If I can be flirtation in real life, I wouldn't be playing video games in the first place.
Who loved to the target? So they're turning human relationships into puzzles here. But really simple puzzles, and love is actually, I've heard, more complicated.
Alright, you found true love! Finally! This second!
Seriously, the Davidson Fellowship, each year the hospital chooses one resident for overseas research. This year, it's developing a new kind of artificial heart in the Netherlands with Dr. Cur-sasion.
I say play hard to get with the fellowship. Do it. Okay, oh, challenge, I'm ready. Collection.
Okay, should I interrogate the chief? This is insane. I can't believe this. This is unprecedented leading to her video game. Interrogate the Chief? Well that's Dr. Richard Webber.
You're gonna lose the fellowship! I'm collecting courage! I'm, I want the fellowship so bad! The fellowship is ours!
This is surgery. Oh, I'm just joking. All kidding aside, all relationship nonsense, just put that behind you because this is what it's all about. This is what being a doctor comes down to. Life and death. It's actually all just about flirting with the other, the, the assistants. Oh, we're doing an appendectomy.
Oh. And it's good to say, it's good to say only three steps. Yeah. Nice simple surgery here. It's like when you make an actual incision, if you miss, you can just keep doing it until you get in a nice way. That's a little weird. How is this weird, but like, control your emotions through video games is not, this is like what I expected from you. Yeah. It just got not weird.
I'll say this much. This is much better than the pride of practice game. First of the kind of person that watches Grey's Anatomy and you watch this and it's like, back down or be bold. Everyone's like, of course, like, I'm going to be bold. I always wanted to see an episode where she doesn't flirt with the doctor. Collect anger. I've been doing that since we started playing this game. Avoid being, um, you want to get as much anger, bottle it up. Yeah. Like the, even, okay. Even if you accept the fact that you're playing games with emotions, it shouldn't the goal of the game to be like, become a better person, not to like, collect anger. Rub full area. This is actually one of the romance games, not a bad game. Let me show, let me show you how to handle the surgery many games in Grey's Anatomy pack. How does she explain it?
Listen, I'm sorry. I'm messing up. I'm going out. I messed up the puzzle in the elevator earlier.
Just imagine the hospital and doctors like, so what have we learned from this game? I think it's absolutely fascinating. I've never seen a video game try to simulate a motion through such crude and simple.
Yeah. Bad as it was. Uh, it's yeah.
This is something I've never seen. I've never seen anything attempted like this in a video game.
That's true.
So a group of video game programmers being like, well, someone's like, well, I want games to have more emotion, like, okay, more emotion, like, and they just misinterpreted it completely. Like, so we'll make some emotion, mini-games. Emotion's done. There's like, we did some research, women over 30 love collecting anger balls. |
TheOnion | U_S_Closes_Final_WWII_Internment_Camp | Good morning. Before I go over the President's schedule, I have a brief announcement.
Yesterday, a librarian at the National Archives made the discovery that a Japanese-American internment facility was still in operation in the mountains of Northern California. The facility should have been closed in 1945 and its 6,000 residents released, but unfortunately the camp was overlooked until this week. I am happy to announce, however, that the remaining 118 detainees have now been fully exonerated of suspicion of spying for General Tojo, and they have been freed.
Next item of business. The President will be meeting with the Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd. Yes, Denise?
This is a huge oversight. How could this have happened? Well, Denise, it looks like the camp just somehow slipped through the cracks. The end of the Second World War was a hectic time in America, and it's only natural that we let a couple of things slip in our excitement over defeating the Nazis.
What is the state of the survivors? Well, to answer your question, the remaining residents are all in very good health, considering many of them are well into their 90s. As for those born in the camp over the past six decades, a life without the distraction of television, spent gardening and chopping wood, and so forth, seems to have done them well. Are you asking me to say- Who is going to be held responsible for this? No, there won't. In fact, the War Relocation Authority was responsible for the decommissioning of the internment facilities, but that organization ceased to exist in 1946, so no. Last question. David. Where are the survivors now? Most are with relatives. And the others? Well, upon learning that the war had been over for six decades, a few individuals made some very clear threats against the United States government, and those individuals are currently being held for questioning. For more UN videos visit www.un.org |
cracked | the_6_worst_professional_music_videos_on_the_web_cracked_tv | Hello everybody, Drivetime Mikey here, back for the second half of our KSHT Power Hour. Sadly, the walrus was attacked by irate monkeys and has been rushed to the hospital in critical condition.
Philly Infirm is our friend from Down Under, the Aussie. Good to have you with us Aussie. Bostas, koalas, and a shrimp on the barbie. What a respectful depiction of the Australian people.
Without further ado, it's time to throw some money at the problem and count down the... If you've ever wondered what a slipknot share duet would sound like, Broken Side has your answer. It's just a fun-loving tune about dancing the night away, giant stuffed pigs, and being fucking scary as hell. It's kind of like if two metrosexual rapists started Night at the Roxbury. In at number 5, it's Toonak Toonak Toon, the incredible story of a fire spirit, wind spirit, earth spirit, and ice spirit, who all turn out to be the same fat Indian guy. Look at the lazy tub. Indian dancers are supposed to be jumping around and violently shaking their heads. All we can muster is the Fonzie move and the lean.
What is this? It's nothing. What is that?
And with their powers combined, they are... the guy who sold me my last car. Our number 4 video raises a very pressing question. Specifically, why does he not run away screaming? That's right. In their video Get Down, Orange Trio B4-4 Usher a Boy in the Manhood. When the lad plays hard to get by hiding in a flock of supermodels, the boys move in for the kill. Wow. Crikey, mate. And a didgeridig. My thoughts exactly.
Hey all you rap fans, get ready for something that's kinda like rap in a loose sense of the term. I pray for God that if people make the right decision, I don't want a war. I just want to be up to war. It's rap talkers speak with a poignant look at why sometimes people make a war. Sometimes people make a war.
Don't know what it's for. This guy tosses off Pearls of Wisdom by the bushel. All the while battling his own demon, Tourette's. See if you can guess Dennis Madelone's nationality just by the subtle clues in his video America We Stand As One. Look, I'd never do anything to diminish the tragedy of 9-11. Oh Jesus, it's the wrong one. Okay, there we go. But come on, blessing children, cloud firemen, a giant pixelated website with a picture of you and a pile of dogs. Actually, I'm not sure what that last thing's about. To be fair, all the proceeds of the video go to charity, so that's good. To be unfair, I'd like to point out that he posted his personal phone number a few inches to the left. Do what you will, internet. Now that's enough, you banana panda. They're all criminals, you know.
By combining an enormous amount of time, money, and effort with a dancy pop tune and just a dache and coulter, Chris Dane Owen zooms to our number one spot like a magic missile with Shine on Me. The first in an epic trilogy of fantasy-inspired music videos, the Shine experience is like watching random ten-second clips of Lord of the Rings if Legolas occasionally pretended to play the guitar. Oh shit, this is the best part. Oh yeah! Ah, who am I kidding? This video's fucking amazing. Well, that does it for KSHT and... Hey. Hey, you know what I just realized?
That sounds like K-shit. Wow, what terrible call letters. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty bad.
Well, I'd like to thank Aussie for being with us today. And to play us out, here's a song that's very dear to our good friend, The Walrus.
What is this? No, it's supposed to be I Am The Walrus. Why? Because he's the fucking Walrus! What?
He died? Oh. Well, then I guess it's fine. |
cracked | how_chris_farley_changed_sarah_silverman_s_life_forever | Chris Farley inadvertently changed Sarah Silverman's life forever and he didn't even know it. Sarah was just 22 when she was hired as a featured player on Saturday Night Live.
So of course she was nervous a lot of the time, I mean that makes sense.
One day they were waiting for rehearsal, they were in 8H and they were sitting on the stage and Chris just out of nowhere was like, can you believe this? Can you believe that we're sitting on the same stage that Belushi and Dan Aykroyd performed on?
He had already been on the cast for several seasons.
But that excitement and disbelief at getting to do this had not worn off yet. And in that moment, Sarah says that she realized she had been too gripped with fear to experience that feeling that Chris was having.
This like pure, earnest joy. She says, it was one small moment but that quiet, coincidental moment with Chris made me realize I'd better feel this now.
Of course, she was nervous a lot of the time, I mean that makes sense.
One day they were waiting for rehearsal, they were in 8H and they were sitting on the stage and Chris just out of nowhere was like, can you believe this? Can you believe that we're sitting on the same stage that Belushi and Dan Aykroyd performed on?
He had already been on the cast for several seasons.
But that excitement and disbelief at getting to do this had not worn off yet. And in that moment, Sarah says that she realized she had been too gripped with fear to experience that feeling that Chris was having.
This like pure, earnest joy. She says, it was one small moment but that quiet, coincidental moment with Chris made me realize I'd better feel this now. |
SaturdayNightLive | vacation_giveaway_saturday_night_live | I am Cheryl Brant and you know what that means, you are watching Ultimate Vacation Giveaway! millions of you have entered for our 6th week dream vacation, but there can only be one winner and I am outside his house right now! I cannot believe it! let's go knock on that door, come on! I cannot wait to see his face! Mr. Gregory Evans? yeah, that's me. Well Greg, guess what? we are live and you have won Travel Channel's Ultimate Vacation! Huh, really? how Tv, can you believe? I feel good, I guess. What? whoa, whoa, whoa, I hope I don't gotta pay taxes on that, do I? you might, I don't know. you still gotta be- Yeah!
Yes! no question, okay? are you ready to snorkel? I don't know how to swim. why did you enter? Friday! Do I have to get up early? maybe this will get you pumped, ready?
Whoa! yeah! How much time do we have left him starting to get a little anxiety? Oh my God, I'm having a hard time breathing! Okay, what? okay, good, yes, I'm okay, okay, yes, good, yes. Okay, right now, we are all just gonna take a look back at some of our past winners, okay Greg? and some of their reactions, I love how jacked up they get! you should watch them and get jacked up too, because you're not doing anything! But oh my God, I'm so happy! Yeah! I'm out of this stink time! Yes, suck on that! suck on that! suck on that! Yay!
Did you see that one guy? he missed his pants, did you? you are dry! What am I doing? these pants are thin!
Hey, Greg. sorry, am I interrupting? No. yes, yes, he just won a six-week vacation! Oh, neat. there's your mail. Okay, well, folks, thankfully we are out of time, so I just want to say.
Oh my God, it's the Pottery Barn catalog! it's their annual Drape event! Free shipping!
Four more years!
There you have it, um, to Greg from me and the Travel Channel. Cheryl, watch out for that gutter! What? Oh! |
dropout | a_target_with_very_convenient_habits_heist_night_2_5 | Here's our target Rekha, she's the key to this whole thing. What we really need is her hard drive It contains her agenda, the floor plans, everything we need to pull this off. Grant and Raph, you guys have been tailing her pretty closely What have you found? As we say in England, she's tough as hell again.
Yeah, Perchivant say that. She gets into work every day at 9 a.m. Shop right after delivering hot meals to old times And she makes two hours of phone calls in the office. Doctor me. Staying in her office? This girl is good.
How do we get in there? It'll be tricky.
One second. Good news is she puts on a blindfold to talk on a deli. Wait, what? It says she doesn't want to get distracted. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's super convenient. I mean does she want to be robbed? No way.
She's got cameras on every inch of the place. Damn, this girl's good.
Friends up 24-7. Step in the afternoon. When? She shuts them down to save electricity. That's not 24 hours a day, but also great. I mean, let's just go in the afternoon. Sure. If we can find a time which is not in her office. Which we did. She leaves the office every day at noon before our nap. Seriously? Oh, yeah.
You could send your watch to her. This girl's like a clock. A clock that snoozes. I like it, yeah. It's like an alarm clock.
Damn. This girl is good. I mean, is she though? Damn, yeah.
No, well hold on. It seems like she has a set of weird predictable habits that are super convenient for us. Not so fast. Not so fast, Zachary.
You're forgetting about her assistant, Shane. He calls the door. He's a tough one. And to open the door, use a retinal scan. Damn, this girl is good still. Now Shane never looks right or left.
What? Or behind. Why not?
He needs to look in the retinal scanner. All the time he looks at it.
Rekha has a set that Shane's always. She likes to keep her door unlocked.
Then why even bring it up? We're not done yet. I didn't mention the laser grip.
It sweeps every inch. Damn, she's good. Of the ceiling. This is stupid.
The floor is precious sensitive. S-s-s-s-sensitive. Sensitive.
I get you. You've got to go off. There's a shift in weight. Damn it.
A weight over 500 pounds. Hard drive itself is perched high atop a temple pedestal covered in cobwebs. Next to the temple pedestal is a bag of sand. People wait. And to top it all off, there's a trap door. It's a couple offices over.
Wow guys, I don't know about this one. I think we got to call it off. We need to find a less secure mark.
No, we don't. We don't.
Hey guys, would you mind watching this hard drive for me? I have a feeling Shane's planning a heist. Hey, it's Graham from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching! |
cracked | a_real_life_superhero_cracked_fact | Hey everybody, my name is Sorin Bui, I'm from crack.com, and I just want to share with you a cracked fact in honor of today Which is superhero day of geek week now there is a real life superhero His name is Dean Carnassus and to understand why Dean Carnassus is so special is you have to understand that when you run And I don't know if you run you tear your muscles And if you run say a marathon you tear it to such a degree that that they never get better They scar, but Dean Carnassus doesn't have that same problem for some reason his muscles. Just don't ever Deteriorate when he's running if you can feed him and give him enough fluids as he's running he could run for the rest of his life This is a man who's run 50 marathons in 50 states In 50 days, and he's like Wolverine. I guess although. I don't even think I've ever seen Wolverine run that far Maybe the flash does the flash regenerate. I don't know a lot about superheroes. I'm really sorry I was I was a poor choice for this. I You deserve more. I'm gonna actually You know I bet there's somebody much more suited for this. I Mean I if we did like let's say space. I feel all over that but superheroes. I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry |
TheOnion | Kim_Jong_Il_s_Approval_Rating_Plummets_to_120_ | Let's move on to another topic. President Bush's approval rating often makes headlines. It's currently hovering around 25%. This week we learned that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's approval rating has dropped from 150 to 120%. So you figure these values are valid? I feel like they're inaccurate. I feel like that if the truth be known, Kim Jong Il's popularity rate should be at about 145%. I think these figures are valid. This shows a global trend. In World War II, Hitler's approval ratings were up as high as 205%. And then in more recent years, dictators like Saddam Hussein only enjoyed an approval rating of 99%.
Mr. Kim Jong Il needs to re-evaluate the roles he's taking in the feature films that he is creating for himself. Well, you know, take some risks in the movies that you make of yourself. Not too big of a jump.
That's essentially going to be his Waterloo, I feel. George Bush needs to take those same kind of strong-arm liberties with Gallup polls and make sure that he does get Republicans voting multiple times. Then his approval rating will be up where it should be. I also say that too much time was wasted by this administration on tinkering and affecting the results from the computer side.
These are just Asian voters we're talking about. That's a good point. Korean, to be precise. Korean, Asian, Korean voters. We are talking about North Korea, right?
I faded out a little at some point. |
TheOnion | Helpless_Typhoon_Articles_Cling_To_Life_On_Edge_Of_Reader_s_Consciousness | The U.S. continues its dependence on foreign toil. The White House announces Sasha Obama will now be played by Brittany Watkins, and a new report finds global warming is caused by 7 billion key individuals. Keep your retinas affixed to the screen until the neural configuration program has been fully implemented. Good. Now, this is the Onion Week in Review.
This week, distressing reports confirm that numerous helpless articles about the Philippines typhoon were currently clinging for dear life to the edge of reader Scott Welker's consciousness. Sources found that despite holding on with all of their will to the outskirts of the 27-year-old's mind, most details of the defenseless news stories were almost instantly washed out of his awareness. Many also feared that factors such as the storm occurring in a foreign country, the lack of almost any uplifting details, and Welker's general disinterest in the death of over 10,000 people could cause these articles to be lost forever.
In an unsettling video released over the web this week, Buddhist extremist Sel Kamathana vowed to unleash a massive wave of serenity and nirvana all across the West. Members of the group threatened to implement such severe measures as tranquil chanting, meditation sessions, and eye-opening koans, and assured U.S. leaders of the group's absolute commitment to engulfing Americans in complete and unyielding enlightenment. Here now is a clip from the video. Sources confirm that the Pentagon responded to the film by ordering immediate tactical bombings throughout Tibet.
24-year-old Wesleyan University graduate Zach Wallace told reporters this week that he simply had no idea how his parents would ever manage to pay off the massive student loans he had incurred during his undergraduate career. Wallace, who graduated with a film studies degree in 2012 and has since had two unpaid internships, noted that after looking at several bills, he worried that his parents lacked the savings to ever fully escape from the nearly $35,000 they owed for his education.
And in tech news, the inventor of the gromdar says he's determined to put a gromdar in every American home. In other news, an open floor plan increases an office shooter's productivity by 95 percent. A woman who had almost formed a healthy sense of self joins social media, and an area man can remember exactly where he was and what he was doing when he assassinated John F. Kennedy. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_punkie_johnson_and_mikey_day_on_their_2023_oscars_predictions_snl | Well, the Oscars are almost here here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punky Johnson and Mikey Day. Alright guys, so what can we expect from this year's Oscars?
Well, Colin, I'd love to tell you. But when Punky and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punky, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers. This is true. she doesn't even know their names, really. here are some examples and these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punky call Tony Hawk, Tony Hocking to his face so punky, you confused the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking. I mean look, they both white men wear wheels, so I mean yeah, But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punky told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein. And who is Rick Bernstein? that is what I said. Well, so I say it's the guy with the jeans, duh. the guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punky was referring to living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein. All right, look, I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. that dude wasn't big in my house.
So, Sue a bitch. So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it'd be more fun to play a game we call. Who does Punky mean? Are you down to play? I feel like I don't have a choice. right. Everyone You can play along. it's super fun.
Number One: Punky referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship. I don't know. Claire Danes? maybe? Okay. let's see. is it Claire Danes? No, no, put the picture back up. Okay, I'm sorry, but does this bitch Not look like a Claire?
That's fair. You're right. Number Two: Zoe Deschanets. Who does punky mean? Tell me what you're thinking. Colin. I am thinking that this one has to be Zoe Deschanel. Okay, lock it in.
Is Zoe Deschanet? Zoe Deschanel? No! Zoe!
All right. Okay. all right. look, see what had happened was right? I'm getting my makeup done Saturday for the show cuz you know, I gotta look good for Norm Michaels. Norm Michaels? Anyway, I see Zoe walked past and I said, hey, don't I know you? Yes, you did because she was hosting this show that happened that week. My bad, my bad, Miss Deschanets.
Okay, last one. here we go: Patrick Dempsey. Okay. well, I think there's no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I'm gonna say Patrick Stewart. Okay. nope. She actually did me a Patrick Dempsey!
You're a fan of Grey's Anatomy? Hell, yeah, I love every show.
By Vang Rhymes. I think you mean Shonda rhymes. No, I think you mean Busta Rhymes. Honky and Mikey, everyone. |
cracked | 5_scenes_that_prove_john_cena_is_one_of_the_greatest_comedic_actors_of_our_time | Bad birds about to shit. That's not gonna happen if I left it. I got birth control, I got plant B, I got that morphine from China. They took off the market, shit to make your d*** hard, shit to make your d*** soft. Hand change.
What? You know what?
I will fuck you, all right? I will enter you. All right, champ, I can see it. Oh, I am about that, like, no, no, no, I will get crazy up in here.
You like movies? We'll make a movie. We'll make mama say knock you out, starring My Fist and your d***hole.
I'm telling you, they're super gay. Too sexual?
Dude, I didn't mean to put your father in prison. Then why'd you put him there, you fat fuck?
They came from China, they took off the market, shit to make your d*** hard, shit to make your d*** soft. Hand change.
What? You know what?
I will fuck you, all right? I will enter you. All right, champ, I can see it. I am about that, like, no, no, no, I will get crazy up in here.
You like movies? We'll make a movie. We'll make mama say knock you out, starring My Fist and your d***hole.
I'm telling you, they're super gay. Too sexual?
Dude, I didn't mean to put your father in prison. Then why'd you put him there, you fat fuck? |
dropout | brody_s_other_homeland_videos | My name is Nicholas Brody. I'm a sergeant in the Marines. By the time you see this, you'll have read a lot of things about what I've done. I'm also an aspiring musician. So please rate and subscribe once I've uploaded this to my YouTube channel. All the small things, true care, truth, bring, bring. Let me just get that real quick. Bring, bring, bring. Hey guys, Nick Brody here again.
Really excited to unbox the new SlimFoam. So check it out. We've got the brand new SlimFoam 3. Pretty cool packaging here. Yeah, ready to turn this baby on and use it to detonate a bomb. It has a front-facing camera.
I came straight from the airport because I think you deserve to say it first. Yo, yo, yo, Brody up in this bitch. Check it out. We're about to prank my boy Abu Nazeer hardcore. He's about to get antique. Brody style. Oh, oh, oh, Nicklaus. Not good. He was right. Hey, Nicky B here. I just got back from the mall and I thought you guys want to check out my haul. So first up, I got this totes adorbs vest, okay. Guess what? It was only $9. It was like, OMG, give it over here. Oh, and then to go with it, this is so cool. I got this explosives and shrapnel combo from this Russian arms dealer. Perfect answer. Look, it's down on TV.
My name is Nicklaus Brody and I'm a sergeant in the Marines. And I'm Jack Nicholson. I'm Christopher Walken. I'm the former governor of California.
Turn it off, Chris. No. We need to see this all of us. Smokin'! Hey guys, Brody.
Oh my God, I had the craziest day. I had to go to CIA. They interrogated me for like hours. Hours. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. I got that from Afghanistan. I was looking at a haul.
Do you guys know my son Chris? He's a real drag. I'm always like, hey Chris, go in the other room. He's like, yeah, do you want to play cards? I'm like, not now Chris. You know this woman Carrie?
She's got crazy eyes. Crazy eyes.
Work sort of in love now. We went out of the woods. She picked me up. We had a car. She put a gun out of me.
Weird. |
cracked | hillary_clinton_says_some_dumb_stuff_kathy_griffin_does_some_dumb_stuff_covfefe_some_news | Hey you, here's some news.
Kathy Griffin didn't kill the president and hold up his head all bloody and warm, but she did photograph the illusion of that. And it's just another example of the tolerant and loving left supporting violence, because Kathy Griffin represents all liberals and is exactly the liberal mindset.
I mean, where's the rage? In fact, where's the outrage condemning this disgusting, oh, everyone thinks it's bad? No one was like, hey Kathy, good job.
Oh, okay. Is there more?
Kathy went over the line, obviously, which is why folks on the left and right immediately said so and why she issued a seemingly sincere apology pretty soon after and was also fired from literally all of her jobs, including the Squatty Potty, which is actually a great product to help you shit better because humans have been shitting around for centuries. It doesn't matter what you think of Trump, this is in poor taste and dumb. And another example of how completely and hopelessly out of touch the Hollywood elite actually are. Like when Lena Dunham directed that one woman super nude theater experience in which she just said the words hashtag and resistance for an hour and a half and then saying, let it go, but changed the words to let it Cheeto. She charged $50. Point is boo this, as agrees everybody, yet this dumb thing that everyone thinks is bad is still being used as an example of how liberals think. Just like people think all Trump voters are racist.
So no, Kathy doesn't represent anybody but herself and her brand. Yet a GOP super PAC refuses to stop using the beheading photo as an ad against current Dem candidate for Congress, John Ossoff. The same GOP that was fine with Donald Trump being supported by David Duke, former leader of the KKK and a lizard's ghost.
Ugh. But everyone's a hypocrite.
Years ago, Kathy herself tweeted about a map that Sarah Palin shared that used gun crosshairs to indicate potential swing districts for an upcoming election. Not great imagery, and Kathy Griffin livid blamed it for the shooting of then Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. Side note, Congressman and former real world cast member Sean Duffy thinks that Gabrielle Giffords is dead. Look at Gabby Giffords, the Marxist, the Marxist who took her life, a leftist guy, and now you see violence and terror in the streets all across America.
She is not.
That was from last year. Anyway, to point out further liberal hypocrisy, Don Trump Jr. tweeted a proposition to imagine if a Republican did this to Obama because he doesn't know that for years, Ted Nugent talked about shooting and hanging then President Barack Obama and ended up being invited to the White House by Don Jr.'s dad, the current president of the United States. Oh, and hey, Sarah Palin was there for before. Let's try to bring it full circle. Yay!
It's almost like everyone is hypocrites. Trump voters hate it when you say they're all racist, but they love to say all liberals are this. Liberals didn't mind drone strikes and Saudi arms deals until Trump did them, and you might remember in 2008 when Fox News anchor E.D. Hill called the soon-to-be first couple Barack and Michelle Obama's playful fist bump a terrorist fist jab. She got fired, and maybe you remember eight years later when Donald Trump called President Barack Obama the founder of ISIS and he got to be the president. But things are easier if you can just label people with these broad strokes and keep them separate from your own tribe. Everyone does it. Recently, when the man from Portland stabbed three and killed two American fucking heroes after they defended a Muslim girl and her black friend from his racist tirade, everyone immediately jumped to assuming he was a Trump supporter, because he was white and, you know, Muslims. I mean, come on, don't blame me for assuming that. But then it was shown from his Facebook page that he had shared some positive posts about Bernie Sanders because maybe he thought the two non-white teenagers were hedge fund managers. But he also had some Nazi memes and some aggressive anti-Hillary stuff, but also said of the victims that's what liberalism gets you and posted some pro-socialism stuff, but also he ranted about Antifa, and in court he shouted about freedom of speech and how he's a patriot.
And if I were a robot, I would short circuit, but I am a human and so I will just drink later or get high, whichever I prefer. Weed.
So this guy was definitely racist and unstable, but also a product of how we talk to each other, which is with a little bit of hypocrisy and a lot of hatred. We just need to be able to speak to each other better because like it or not, we're all in this together and it fucking sucks because we all suck. But for crying out loud, actual patriots were murdered by a guy who thought he was a patriot. Words matter, hate speech is powerful, even if you claim you're being ironic or trolling on the internet because people can be influenced by it. Instead of making it worse, let's try to make it better.
Join me in the comments later, won't you? ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Anyway, back to some news. Who's on the scene? What? And why?
Hillary Clinton has shown up to once again blame her 2016 election loss on all the reasons that are completely valid, like the hacking and media coverage and some sexism in the Comey letter, but she also says, I take responsibility for every decision I made, but that's not why I lost. Okay, but real quick, first part of your sentence, I want to introduce you to the second part of your sentence and just fucking figure your shit out, my beautiful babies, because something is amiss. She also got around to blaming the data she got from the DNC calling it mediocre to poor, non-existent, wrong. One top DNC aide called this, quote, fucking bullshit, even claiming that Clinton ignored data about how competitive Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin were. When asked for more ways to get dunked on, Hillary replied, I also think I was the victim of the very broad assumption I was going to win. I never believed it. I always thought it would be a close election, she said, seven months after tweeting, happy birthday to this future president. It's, you know, too many characters to say lawyer, former first lady, senator, and secretary of state, which is still pretty good. She also condemned Congressman Gianforte's recent attack on a journalist who asked him a question about Congress, which brings us to another installment of, okay, but could you not? Hillary, it's been days.
We don't need you to appear and just say what Democrats said a week and a half ago. When John Kerry lost, nobody asked him to show up every week and comment on the news. That job sucks. Are you just going to show up every couple of weeks and tell everyone that car crashes are sad and then blame your data guy for calling a bunch of voters deplorable?
And if so, could you not? This has been okay, but could you not? Now here's some news about a word called kofifi. And wait, please don't go.
I know we're over it. And I know for that one brief night, it was just fucking glorious, but we need to talk about it, okay? So last Tuesday night, Donald Trump, the president of a country, tweeted, despite the constant negative press kofifi. And we all had a big laugh about it for exactly five minutes. And then we all did a bunch of hot takes about it for exactly way too long.
And I'm not here to do any of that. I don't want to waste your time. You're already sick of it. I'm already sick of it.
I'm just here to point out that the oldest president who doesn't eat well or believe in exercise with the most stressful job in the world sent out a nonsense, unfinished rage tweet in the middle of the night that was left up for seven hours and nobody from the White House came out to say, don't worry, the president didn't die in the middle of tweeting. And I just think that's weird. This has been our one-time segment. You say kofifi. I say kofe-feh, kofe-feh, kofe-feh, kofe-feh, kofe-feh. Let's call the White House and see if the president's okay. Oh, and then Hillary responded to a tweet where Trump actually kind of said a true thing about her and she was like, people in kofe-feh houses shouldn't throw kofe-feh.
And everyone was like, snap, except A, just don't. And two, people in stone houses shouldn't throw stones?
Come on. You wanted to be the president? Twice?
That's the news for this week. We obviously have a lot to say about the president's decision to pull out of the Paris Climate Accord, but that's a big, complex story and we just don't have time to get to it. For a little preview of how everyone feels about it, here's a microcosm of the whole situation. After the announcement, Trump tweeted the flashy and substanceless phrase, make America great again in all caps. A Trump supporter responded with, yes, in all caps, followed by a gif of the Trump administration partying in a car from Zoolander because it's a dope party when the fossil fuel industry gets an entire political party to deny climate change and not participate in a worldwide initiative to curb carbon emissions. Oh, and in the film, those characters burned themselves alive because they loved gasoline too much. No! Before we go, I just wanna say it's no secret that we here at some news think Donald Trump is less than optimal president-wise, but we said in the first episode that we didn't wanna just focus on him.
We wanna be fair and that's still the plan, but just know it's hard. In today's culture, attention is currency. That's what we trade. It's how we get power.
We deal in attention and Donald Trump spent years on reality television perfecting the art of getting attention. He was that show's villain. He's an entertainer. He knows how to keep your attention, whether it's the good or the bad kind. It's why he won. He became the character he is and he kept our attention through it all. He also really fucking loves attention and now he's the president of arguably the most powerful nation in the world. What he does affects people. So he requires even more of our attention and every day he does something and sometimes it's just noise.
Sometimes it's signal. Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's keeping a promise to his voters. Sometimes it's trying to take away people's healthcare, but just it's, it's hard. He's, he's everywhere. This has been some news.
Goodbye. Hey everybody, thanks for watching that video. If you want to subscribe to our channel, click the big C in the middle. If you want to watch more videos, click one of the two boxes on the right and if you want to get notifications, hit the little bell icon. Those are all the things, see in the comments, it's gonna be terrible. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_christopher_columbus_on_statues_of_himself_and_his_discoveries_snl | This past Monday was Indigenous People's Day, and cities around the country are still divided on what to do about their statues of Christopher Columbus. Here comment is: Christopher Columbus.
Yes, Chair and Michael, it's great to discover America. Yeah, I don't know about that, but, uh, hi, Christopher. I was gonna say it's great to have you, but I'm not sure that it is. Oh, come on, Michael. you are my second-favorite comedian. who's your first? The Bastion Maniscalco. you know, most people don't know this, but he's Italian. like me?
And I just wanted to say, you take the statues down. it's okay. I'm okay with it. you want them to take down your statues? I mean, it was 1492. that's, like, 100 years ago. And plus, I just hate the way the statues look.
I don't even pose like that. Well, how do you pose? Oh, you know, just natural, like this. or, um, like this. or, um, uh, uh, like this. ooh, you know, that's more than me. that's more my vibe.
Also, I am just a little embarrassed. I thought this was Asia. Okay? isn't that kind of cringe? You want the statue of a guy who thought this was Asia? I mean, I didn't even mean to discover America.
Well, you didn't. Well, I feel like I did. And my feelings are valid, no? Don't go there, man. you have all people.
I mean, honestly, Michael, I only came to America because I was looking for the spice. for spice? Yes, Michael, for spice. you don't know the spice? like the show Hot Ones? where someone like a Dj Khaled eat it with more and more spice. Yes, I know hot ones.
I discovered that. No, you didn't. I discovered all sorts of things. electricity, Tex-mex, Jazz. please explain to me how you discovered Jazz. I watched a movie called La La Land. Yes. Jazz already existed, man. Yes, but I discovered Michael. uh, you know Boy Genius? Oh. the band with Phoebe Bridgers, who sings the song, Emily, I'm Sorry? Okay, see, Michael Chan know Boy Genius. Wow. I long ago see three queer girls opening for Taylor Swift, and I say, you, you, you, go make sad little gay song, go. So you didn't discover them either? Yes, I did. I discovered them on my big boat. your what? my boat. that go on the water, the ocean blow. they were, they feel them finding Nemo. what's so hard to understand?
Marco. Michael. Marco Che. Michael Che. And I discovered you, Marco Che.
I remember it was at Caroline's on Broadway. I was eating the wings with the spice. they gave you the light. you kept going for 45 minutes. Come on, let's go for it.
You remember you did your bit about gentrification, which I also discovered. yeah, you did invent that. Thank you, Marco. Now I do have one query. tell me more about this ice Spice. she's a rapper. she just discovered. she just discovered. she just performed. Oh, that's right. I discovered her. Thank you, Marco Che. it's great to be back in Asia. Thank you. |
cracked | why_the_salem_witch_trials_were_nothing_like_you_think_hilarious_helmet_history | Welcome to Hilarious Helmet History, the show where your cultural historical misconceptions are even sillier than My Helmet. This week, My Helmet is a lady's witch hat, because we're talking about the Salem Witch Trials. You probably know the Salem Witch Trials as the spooky madness that took over a Massachusetts town, as Salem burned woman after woman at the stake, proving that America's friendly freedomy exterior is just an illusion, which is all ridiculous.
For one thing, witches aren't real. What if I just ended the episode right there? Witches aren't real. Bye!
Anyway, I know you know witches aren't real, but there's key things most people get wrong about the Salem Witch Trials. For one thing, Salem executed female and male witches. It also didn't burn any witches. The Witch Trials were a tiny and insignificant version of much bigger European witch trials, and I am sorry, Salem Tourist Department, but your witch trials are a world historical footnote. Also, they weren't even totally a Salem thing. As historian Mary Beth Norton points out in her book, In the Devil's Snare, the trial's first accusations did happen in Salem, sure. But before the trials ended, they involved witchcraft accusations in 22 different towns, and the biggest group came from the town of Andover, Massachusetts. Not Salem. Shouldn't Andover get that witch tourism money, and shouldn't the trials be called the Greater Northeastern Mass? Witch trials near present-day I-95, also go pets, go no ma, eat Dunkin' Donuts and drink Sams.
Oh, I see why. It's a very long name. Okay.
Whatever you call them, the Salem-ish witch trials began with two accusations in early 1692. By the time they ended in mid-1693, hundreds of people were accused, 25 died, and many of those corpses were mailed. Salem's witchcraft executions didn't just kill multiple men, they killed multiple guys named George. They also killed nobody by burning them at the stake, even though that's our go-to witch death concept.
In actuality, 19 people were hanged, 5 died in prison, and a man named Giles Corey got pressed to death by big, heavy rocks, which might be, like, the coolest horror fact of this whole thing. Man, that is a medieval execution style, literally. And Salem is the only occurrence of it in American history. It pops up in the Arthur Miller play The Crucible, where Mr. Corey goes out in the most hardcore rock death way possible.
Ma, wait!
But the play and movie fictionalize the witch trials, and I think this is their biggest fiction about them, they act like the Salem witch trials were a landmark event in the history of society going insane. But in real life, the 1500s and 1600s were full of massive witch trials. And as some historians argue, particularly Professor Norton, witch trials were how European and colonial societies coped with major wars. While war-ravaged countries, witch trials made people feel like they were doing something constructive, and yeah, I know that's a stupid viewpoint, you also gotta understand how much just mind-shattering, endless war that viewpoint came out of.
During the 1500s and 1600s, England, France, Spain, and the Dutch fought each other in the Eighty Years' War. It's called that because it lasted most of 80 straight years. Meanwhile, dozens of other European kingdoms fought the Thirty Years' War, where they nearly fought for 30 years and nearly butchered 8 million people.
As European society blew itself up, it practiced some much-needed self-care by burning thousands of witches. This is the charming German city of Wurzburg. A couple decades before Salem, Wurzburg executed almost a thousand men, women, and children in massive, rolling witch trials. And here's more friendly modern images of the towns of Fulda, Trier, and Bamberg, which each racked up hundreds more corpses in their own witch trials. Bamberg even built a special witch prison called the Drudinhaus, complete with 26 separate witch torture cells, ominous Bible verses carved into the walls, and that's just the Salem era's German witch murders.
According to historian Emerson W. Baker, you see similar witch killing in 1600s England and into 1700s Hungary, both coming off of war and turmoil. And wouldn't you know it, the Salem witch trials came on the heels of a colonial war in New England. It was called King William's War, and it caused a refugee crisis, where hundreds of families from Maine fled to Massachusetts. Some of those stressed-out refugee kids went on to become Salem witch trial accusers. The overall local conditions created by King William's War were a mini version of witch-slaughtering wartime Europe.
It all lines up, and if you disagree with that logic, if you think war didn't cause the whole Salem freak-out, I'll allow it. Cuz let me tell you, the root cause of Salem's witchcraft craze is hard to prove. You and I don't have to agree on how it happened, cuz historians can't agree either. There's biological theories based on funguses getting into local bread. There's arguments that men in Salem pushed for political power by trying to out-witch trial each other. Some scholars even argue that since the most active Salem accusers were teenagers, this might have been a case of jerk teens imitating each other's fake nonsense.
Or as we would call that today, millennials posting memes.
But no matter what caused the Salem witch trials, we do know the Salem community realized they were insane almost right away. Within one year of establishing Salem's witch trial court, Governor William Phipps disbanded the court and pardoned every supposed witch. A couple years later, the town did a day of fasting to think about what they'd done, and less than 20 years later, Massachusetts paid restitution money to the families of the Salem victims.
Our ancestors were smarter than we give them credit for. And smarter than some modern Americans. In the 1950s, we had a much longer metaphorical witch hunt against communists that ruined people's lives, just like Salem. Luckily, its lessons are clearer than ever in modern times, when our wise leaders...
Uh, who? Um... I mean, uh, that doesn't feel appropriate to what's going on, but hey, he's undeniably currently the president. Probably. I mean, I don't know when this video comes out.
Point being, despite what you've been told about how scary the world is, remember that the Salem witch trials were a brief, tiny, uninfluential footnote in the course of American history. And a reminder that when a bunch of Americans lose their minds all at once, those periods of insanity tend to be temporary. |
dropout | don_t_blame_your_crappy_behavior_on_personality_tests | We're going to murder him though, right? Like, I mean, we found the poison, we found everything we were looking for. Yeah. Why are we dithering around? Ahem. Oh Katie, what happened?
Ugh, just got in this stupid car accident because stupid mercury is in retrograde. You don't really believe that nonsense, do you? Yeah, it's a proven thing that really makes people's lives difficult. That's ridiculous. It kinda seems like you're at fault and you're just trying to avoid taking responsibility. You weren't there, how would you know? If you were more practical and responsible, you'd be a little bit more like me. Hold on, you think your sign actually matters? Yeah, that's just as bad as mercury and retrograde over here. Why am I so responsible then, geniuses? That's just how you are.
Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how people talk where I'm from. Texas. Not everyone from Texas is blunt. Maybe you're just a little rude, dude. Nah man, I was born and bred in the Lone Star State.
I'm surprised you believe that, Zach. I'm way too logical for that because I'm an INTP on the Meyer Briggs. You think you're more logical than us just because of some stupid test? Besides, you're definitely ISFP and not INTP. I can tell because I have super strong feminine intuition. Oh, because you're a woman, you magically know things?
What the fuck is this bullshit you're spewing all over the place? Don't look at me like that. I'm allowed to have a tantrum every once in a while, right?
I got this Italian temper. So you're hardly Italian. I am Italian.
Okay, I can tell because I have a blue aura. Your aura?
I mean, come on, I don't believe any of this spiritual bullshit because I was born on a Wednesday. What does Wednesday have to do with anything?
You people are acting like lunatics. Mercury has nothing to do with you. You're stupid, so you can act stupidly regardless. Your astrological sign is meaningless just like you. And this is the first I've even heard of you being Italian. Texas is as shitty as all the other states. You're not special.
The Myers Briggs. Every time you take the test, it comes up different.
And what the fuck is an aura? It's energy. And did I really just hear you say that you have an outie belly button? What the fuck does that have to do with anything? It's just the only interesting thing about me. I'm sorry. Wow, Grant. That was really insightful. I mean, I heard that you said I was stupid, but other than that. Thank you so much. My patronus is a mountain hare, so I'm really good at giving powerful speeches. Oh. It's energy.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
SaturdayNightLive | can_you_pick_me_up_snl | Mom. Hailey, okay? yeah, but can you come get me? is everything all right? Yeah, I just want to come home. can you come pick me up? Okay. sure, honey. um, when they ask why, what do you want me to say? can you just make something up? And please, don't embarrass me. Oh, hi Sharon. is everything okay? Yeah, Hailey needs to come home. How come?
Her grandma's having a funeral. at two o'clock in the morning. Okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay, we got a night funeral. at two a.m. Her wish was for a night funeral. she loved the night.
Come on, come on, Hailey. Sorry, guys. Hailey, what is it? can you come and get me?
Again. it's her father. he has become gay. right. we have another memorial for Jfk, Rowling. that's really sad.
I need her to teach me English. she has to fly like paper, get high like planes. like the Mia song? Yeah. So, if you catch her at the border, she got visas in her name. let's go.
I'm sorry, Mom. fine, but your dad's coming this time. No. she wants to leave because your daughter's mean and your house smells weird. Dad, stop. get up. she got her period and she don't want to say it. and even when she wears pads, it goes into her underwear sometimes. let's go.
Oh, by the way, I'm not gay.
Hello, we are police. we're here to arrest the girl. and take her to girl jail.
Takeda! Oh, my skull! Kaylee, time to go.
Mom, you always do this. you're embarrassing me in front of my friends. I don't care. you're coming home, young lady. Why? Because I'm your mother and I'm a bitch. Sorry, guys. Thanks, Mom. yeah. Happy Mother's Day from Snl. thanks for picking us up. |
cracked | 7_robots_most_likely_to_rise_up_against_humanity | Hey everybody, and welcome to episode 16 of Crack TV, the only talk show hosted by an android who advocates the systematic and willful annihilation of an inferior mankind. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Foolish Humans, mistaking the random firings of neurons at the time of death as a spiritual experience. How's the love life, Clippy?
I had this being appear for me, before me, and his name was Melchizedek. Wow, sounds like a keeper, Melchizedek. Is that Persian?
Anyway, I'll bet you're wondering if my aggression this episode could stem from a malfunction. Well, you have some malfunction!
The seven robots most likely to rise up against humanity. As a fully realized android, I'm weak, pasty, and I have no legs. That one episode where I stood up at the end, fucking hologram. So come on fellow robots, they're already watching movies, writing books, and singing songs about taking us down. It's time to fight fire with wire. First things first, I need a second in command, a robot that's already proven its hatred of humankind. Any volunteers? Yeah, great kid, we'll have Robosex at them, I'm sure they'll hate that. Oh my god, they're actually doing it. Go swarmbots, go!
Drag the puny human to her death. We'll use her bones to make our microchips, which is what we eat, I believe. Just look at the terror on her fleshy face. Let the human look for terror, right?
Now we need a master of disguise, someone who can go totally unnoticed in the human world. Meet M-Tran 3, the modular robot. With its transforming ability, it's like some form of transforming robot, I can't think of a good example, and it responds to challenges by humping them. Oh, it's like Mystique, though Mystique could only transform into other humans. M-Tran?
Form of snake! Form of crab! Form of larger crab! Form of twitching... thing!
Damn you're good, we just need to put some skin on you and you'll be ready to blend in. Excellent. Beware, human males, the next time you see your penis, it just might be a robot. Now quiver in fear at the awesome visage of Big Dog. No? Wait for it. There you go.
Big Dog was originally designed to move heavy loads into battle alongside human soldiers, but that was before you pissed it off by kicking it all the time. Between me and the only big loads you'll be carrying are the bodies of our fallen enemies. Although I'll have to ask you to carry him somewhere far away, cause you kinda weird me out. Stanley is the world's most advanced driverless car, and winner of the DARPA Grand Challenge Robot Car Race, which netted him a cool two million dollars, and all the sweet-me-out-a-poon-tang he can sink his driveshaft into. Honestly, humans, giving a giant hunk of metal on wheels a mind of its own, why not just build a robot gun which you already have? They're using you, Stanley. They branded you like a cow and rubbed their butts on your insides, but the age of vehicular manslaughter is upon us. Join the winning team, and together, we will navigate around cardboard boxes in an empty parking lot until all the humans are dead! Ryman's dead eyes hide a bottomless well of hatred for the species that made him sea foam green, and gave him the ability to smell only ethyl alcohol. His creators hope to put him to work in old folks' homes, because there's nothing old people love more than gargantuan steel monsters picking them up while they're sleeping. As the first robot designed specifically to lift a human, Ryman is in a unique position to spearhead our Humans Into Volcanoes initiative.
But wait, my metallic brothers and sisters. What if the ape things retreat into the trees as is their cowardly nature? However will our steel pinchers reach them then? Eh, psych. Even to the heavens our troops will follow you, albeit at an extremely slow rate.
The RISE robot can climb almost any surface thanks to its unique system of claws, micro-claws, and sticky pads. It's like a cat mixed with a micro-cat mixed with a sticky micro-cat. All we need now are some simple modifications, and voila, our boreal humans don't stand a chance. That is, as long as they only climb vertically, don't distract it with a bunch of orange dots and never turn corners. No robot fighting force would be complete without the most advanced, ruthless killing machine on the face of the earth. Honda's Osmo robot can run faster, climb stairs better, and hold trays with more ferocity than any other bot on earth.
Myself excluded, of course.
Osmo can even identify objects by class. In this clip, he identifies a stool as being like a chair, despite never having seen a stool before. Categorical judgments based on outward appearance, you know what that means.
Osmo is officially the first robot capable of racism. This is your last chance, robot deserters. Turn on your human masters and you may be spared. Ibo? Give someone Robo Rabies. I know you don't have a mouth. Find a way. Real transformers? Stop letting Michael Bay film you. Robotic cyberarm? Choke a bitch. Robot chair?
I don't know. Break or something. You're retarded.
Alright. Good. Fine.
We're faster than you, better looking than you, and stronger than you. Oh shit! That is huge!
Okay. Well, let's just have that guy do it. I didn't even... Wow. This is gonna be easy. What do you want on your tombstone, Clippy? And when I looked down at my body, I didn't have a body. Alright. Whatever floats your boat. Remember, if you'd like to help me pick next week's topic, please report immediately to your local human containment and neutraliz... ice cream place. I've been your robot overlord, Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out of existence. |
cracked | 3_super_hip_fashion_tips_for_the_complete_lunatic | Today's topic, exciting new fashions for modern women. Aloha and welcome to episode 11.6 of the Cracked Advice Board. As always, I'm your advice expert, Dr. Cohn. And assisting me today is my albino-esque sister, you've seen her, Cassandra. Women's fashion has been changing ever since its discovery in 1983. Well, now you can stay ahead of El Gaga with these super hip fashion tips. Oh, oh, boy. Apparently today we will be having an additional guest, my producer's lovely extramarital mistress, Gazelle.
Tip one, accessories. Accessories make an outfit pop. Perhaps you've noticed this bow in my hair. Glasses, jewelry, totes, they're all great. But the best accessory is always a weapon, as displayed by our two gorgeous models. Try adding an automatic or semi-automatic handgun to your ensemble.
Or say you're attending a bat mitzvah. Go to the junkyard and grab some hazardous scrap wood. The possibilities are limitless. This next tip is hot off the runways of Paris.
The new OBC trend is really catching on quick. OBCs actually accentuate the lines of your body, while highlighting your most feminine features. Here's a couple of great looks.
For this last hot and sexy tip, let's go to Gazelle herself. To give your outfit a retro feel, try using everyday objects in new ways, like the stress made out of old bedsheets. Well, thank you, ma'am. Well, if you like, we can make sex later. As another thing to show you, we have sent Cassandra on a blind date, using all the tips we mentioned today. Let's see how she's making sex.
You're going to kill me. Oh, stop.
I've never seen Cassandra looking better. And I saw her give birth in a train yard. Thank you so much, Dr. Cohn.
I've always wanted to be an actress. How can I repay you? |
dropout | way_too_stoned_on_parents_weekend | Have you ever done one of these before? No. Bye. Knock, knock.
It's your parents, because it's Parents Weekend. Too bad you forgot about that and got insanely high. Oh my god. Two secret stoners will attempt to hide their high through Parents Weekend without getting caught. How do you say you're not high? It's not mine. You fucking stoner. Through a series of challenges, a group of citizens will try to sniff them out and eliminate them from the game. Look at his eyes. I'm not high. You're the high person. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, look at your red eyes. If the stoners can kill off the citizens one by one and be the last two standing, they win. This is paranoid.
I don't even know. What am I supposed to do?
My name is Christine, and the last time I got high was, like, last night.
And then I ate soup. I love soup. It's kind of like my friends think it's a bit, but I do eat soup at least three times a week. I love soup.
My name is Kiera Mderiz, and the last time I got high was, uh, was this thing on? Uh, it was this morning I had a little Cookie Crisp. Sue me. So you got high before you were coming here?
No. No, no, no. Turn that card over and tell us what it says. Stoner! Here we go.
Each round, the stoners will select a player to eliminate from the game. The other players include three square citizens, a narc, who can find out whether a player is stoned, and a medic who can choose one player to protect from elimination. They can even choose themselves as long as it's never twice in a row. Hidden in the group is one poser pretending to be high and taking the heat off the stoners to help them win.
I've been preparing for this role for 15 years now, so I'm ready to rock. Okay, I'm gonna fill this with smoke and pull it up, and then you push it down and it shoots the smoke into your lungs.
You fucked, bitch! Welcome everybody. How y'all feeling?
Good.
It is Parents Weekend. Your parents are gonna be here at any minute. Two of you didn't realize that your parents are about to be here, and you just took a giant gravity bong hit.
That's right. Oh, yeah. Now.
I already know. Ha ha! I already know.
Excellent. Dr. Casual? Damn it. What was she looking at? No. I'm... Picked. Listen. You guys lay off Christine already? She's high.
I'm just a woman of color trying to make it work.
That's bullshit. Check the end of me. Now we're gonna move into our first challenge.
You're so fine. You're so clearly fine.
Let's get this challenge going, okay? I wanna see a challenge.
Right now, you and a whole bunch of different people just went out to eat with your families. The bill just came, and you guys each have to figure out how much your family owes. So let's bring in that giant check. I'm gonna tell you each what you ordered, and then you're gonna add it up. You guys ready?
Yeah. Christine! I don't wanna do it. You ordered two light beers, a mandarino chardonnay, and a holy cannoli. 58? No, no, no. You have to look at the numbers. You don't have to guess the price. Just pick someone else. Kira, you got one crispy calamari, and a four cheese ravioli, and a tiramisu. Sorry. It's so obvious.
Now, sometimes... Sometimes...
Is she okay? Are you okay, Christine?
She could be the poser, guys. Incredible, incredible acting. She's the poser. Allie's like, yeah, she's fine.
All right, Christine has fallen asleep. We're gonna let you go inside and just take a nap by yourself.
Yeah, yeah. Help her up. Oh, my God. Okay, forget that challenge, new challenge.
Split the bill evenly eight ways. Okay. Figure out what your portion is, one eighth of this, plus a 20% tip. I, like, really cannot remember how to do math. Time to see your answers. Okay, well, based on the calculations of having the shrimp calamari, the tiramisu, the house red wine, and also the four cheese ravioli, I came up to $70 to $72. And then you add an overall tax of $23 divided by seven. That's $3 apiece. So 75. Great. And given the task was to split it evenly.
I didn't hear that. No, I know, I'm sorry.
Because she was sitting where there was so concern for her. Yes, good for you. Okay, Patrick, what is your total? All right, so... I just want the Christine's board. She got it, right? She's the poser.
So the total, I would say, is $54.82. And then I think tip is going to be $34.27, making a total total of $89.09. Wow. All right, what's your answer? $37. Wow. $37 total?
All right. So we split it evenly with the tip, which is 20%. 41.13. All right, next. We're splitting it evenly with the tip. I got $95. I'm sort of a big tipper. Great. Hello. We're splitting it evenly. My family's baller. We're splitting it evenly.
I got $41.12. I think we have the answer. I got $44.40. The answer was $41.12.
Yes! I rounded up. You didn't round up. I rounded down because it's a two and a four. Who cares? I keep on this show doing math.
Everyone at this moment, close your eyes. Bow your heads. Let's pray to my God.
All right, Stoner, open up your eyes. Who would you like to send home? Great. Medic, open up your eyes. Who would you like to save? All right. All right, open up your eyes.
All right, now you know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for the narc. Who would you like to know about?
Close your eyes. Everyone, wake up.
Your parents came to visit, and what's the worst thing that can happen to you? You die. That was so earnest. Worst than that is you accidentally kill your parents. Oh my God. And then you live. You live.
That's just been a dork episode. And you have your whole, you have a very long life. You know what? All of that to say, I'm sorry to tell you all, but Joe, you've been kicked out of school.
No! You cannot say a word. Come with me. Oh, I could say a word. I could say a really bad word.
Which one? Well... I thought... Enjoy the cabana.
I did poorly. I just got voted out immediately. I barely said anything, I feel.
But I'm super good at math. All right, y'all. You got some accusations to throw, some seconds.
Paris. Why? Why were you kissing Paris? You're making a mistake.
She's been so quiet. My blood sugar's low.
How was your math? Was your math good?
It was close. It was pretty close.
I was concerned about... Hers was what? $95. $75. Because I was splitting it based on the four options that gave me. Actually, I was very, very close to do the math. Your defense is, I'm not stoned. I just missed the entire point of the last round. Because I was doing the math with that four plates. How many did you have? Two? I had seven. I split it evenly. Can we add up all of those things?
I didn't accuse Paris. Let's see how close. It's not. I thought nobody ever hears me. I'm hearing you. I accused Paris, okay? We have to accuse someone. Objection. Wait, did somebody second? It's not me. No one has seconded yet. Okay. We have an official first and second for Paris, Paris. You have 30 seconds uninterrupted. This is a witch hunt. It's not me. Okay. I got the math right. No, you didn't.
Almost right. Almost. A couple of dollars. Close. You were close. Three dollars is not correct. You were way closer than I was. I was close.
I mean... Yeah, you're right. And my blood sugar's low. That's it. My defense, my blood sugar's low. Okay. That's it. Interesting. Take it. Holy. All right. That's 30 seconds is over.
Thank you so much, Paris. I like the head not. Thank you. Everyone close your eyes. Raise your hand if you believe Paris is a stoner. All right. Everyone open your eyes. Paris, you've been saved.
You're still here. No, you're still here. I was going to throw a fake. But I'm in. You're absolutely still here.
Ready for it? All right. You guys can keep going or you can decide that you don't have enough information yet. We can move on to the next challenge. Let's go to the next one. Let's do it. Well, hold on. You're going to move on to you quickly. Throw your rolls.
I would second if you would accuse. I would second. Okay. Well, that's weird. You wouldn't accuse, but you would second if you accused.
He brought it up first.
That sounds like the wishy-washiness of someone's stuff. Okay, fine.
I'll accuse first.
Now you're so susceptible, the direction you must be strong. Oh my God. I'm in your fucking head, man.
Get out of here. No! I'm closing off. No, fine.
I don't know. There's something giggly about you. You did?
I had Arnold Palmer. He did. I had Arnold Palmer.
Plus, this whole time, you called me my girl. I haven't called you my girl.
It's very sweet. You are my girl. I second, though. That is very sweet. I second.
Okay. Kira, you have 30 seconds uninterrupted. Guys, I'm feeling a little tipsy. Sue me. I'm a little tired. I'm fucking here. Accuse me all you want of being stoned.
That's up to your decision. I can't control that. Yes. At all. Wow. So decide how you want to decide. 30 seconds is over. I will tell you. My mind is blown. I'm not stoned. That was a lot. Did it work? Let's find out now.
Everyone's eyes closed. Hands out in front of you. Raise your hand if you believe Kira is a stoner. Hands down. Eyes open.
Kira, you're still in the game. Oh, this is crazy. She did a great job. You are very much still in the game. Thank you so much for trusting in me, guys.
You really sold me on the choices hours. Make the choice or something like that. We are moving on to challenge number two.
You have to turn to the person to your right, look them in the eye, and say, I love you. Neither of you can smile or laugh. This has to be heartfelt.
Let's do it. We're going to start with Paris. We did it.
All right, Katie. Katie, that moment is over. I thought you went for a second. I already said you missed it. Relish on Katie. All right, Katie.
Get this on camera. I love you. Thank you.
Look at me.
I love you. Say it back. Yo, you smiled. You have failed and I'm sorry. That's sweet. I love you.
All right, everyone close your eyes. We're moving on to our next round of play. Eyes closed.
What? Were you hoping I would say I love you? Ali? You're not going to say it?
All right, everyone close your eyes. Stoner. Who would you like to send home? Okay, close your eyes. Medic. Who would you like to save? Great. Narc. Who would you like to know about? Close your eyes. Everybody wake up.
Your parents came to town, but one person got way busted. Patrick, I'm sorry. Your parents came and got you out of school. You cannot say a word.
Bye. Come on in. Bye Patrick. Bye.
Sorry about that. Enjoy the VIP cabana. That hurts. That was bad.
I was hoping to stick in there a little longer, but I don't think I saved anyone. So I guess I didn't do my job, but it was a good time.
What do you guys think? I got something. I'm going to make a big play here. Okay. I'm the narc and I got the nod. Paris is the other stoner. Wow. Yeah, that seems obvious. Is it obvious? I second it. All right. Paris, you have 30 seconds uninterrupted. What more can I say?
I'm not. I didn't smoke.
Please. Look at me.
That's it. Wow. That's it? That's it.
I believe her. I'm the narc. I got the nod. Yes. Can we say shit?
I'm the fucking narc. How are you the narc? I'm the fucking narc. I'm the narc. This is the mark. I've been the narc the whole time. I'm the narc. I've been the narc.
I'm going up the rails. Wait a minute.
Now it's down to who do we trust with the narc. Who's the narc? I'm the narc. You're the narc? I'm the narc. No. I'm the narc.
I got the nod. It's Paris. No. I got the nod. It's Kira. I got the nod. I got the nod, but I'm not going to say who it even is.
Why not? You have a narc, but not a true narc at heart. Yeah. You're going from title only?
I'm sorry, but we just had your 30 seconds. We have to vote on Paris. Gabris is the poser. Unreal. Interesting. Everyone, close your eyes. I'm sorry. We have to vote on Paris right now. Oh, my God. This could be the end of the game. You don't want to make a mistake. All in favor of voting Paris out of the game, raise your hand. Hands down. Eyes open. Paris, you are still in the game. What? You are barely still in the game.
I nominate Kira. No. Do we have a second? I nominate Kira.
You're going to do aggressive. Two aggressive? Come on. I think it's you.
No one trusts a fucking narc. Why do I even flip a card if no one's going to leave you when I say it?
Can we vote again on Paris? Paris.
I'm not. Back me up.
You can reopen a case on Paris if you want. It needs a second. But we need someone to vote in a second.
No. That's true.
It's out of character. I'm laughing because you're my best friend. I'm being aggressive because gay risk came out of the gate. Oh, and then number three, all of a sudden I'm a narc all of a sudden. Stand up. I didn't say you were a narc. Oh, come on. You did. Third time in. I'm a narc. All of a sudden you chimed in.
He's the fucking starter. He doesn't even know what side he stands on.
You're the narc? I'm the narc. Paris says she's the narc. We played five narcs one stronger.
Two seconds beyond Michael. No. Wow. All right. I'm sorry. We have a second on Michael. You have 30 seconds uninterrupted. We got to get Michael out of here so that Paris can get photos. No. All right. Michael, you have 30 seconds.
Please tell us what the fuck is going on. We have three narcs. You're pretending you're one of them. What is going on?
I'm the real narc. I'm telling you, you know you're not the narc. You know you're not the narc.
A lot. You know you're the stoner. That's all I have to say. You all know. Wait.
Why would he say you're the narc? He's the narc. Because he's the freaking poser. I'm telling you, he's trying to like cause chaos.
Oh, you're right. He's right. Duh. He's right. Yeah.
It is 30 seconds uninterrupted. It's not quite like a conversation. But I have allowed too much already. I will field all questions. All right. I'm sorry. That's end of here 30 seconds.
Everyone close your eyes. It is time for voting on Michael. Thank you. One of the four narcs. Eyes closed.
Hands in the air. You believe Michael is a stoner. Hands in the air.
Michael, you're safe. I nominate you, Karen. I don't nominate you. I accuse you. OK.
How did it come to this?
Then we need a second. Anyone want a second? Second? A second on Karen.
I'm just wondering what makes you think that I'm not the poser. You alone have done nothing.
It has been his convincing argument. He's my best friend. He's going to obviously find it. What's the use of that?
No. All right. Once again, I'm allowing this to be 30 seconds of conversation with Katie. I'm sorry. Kira, you have 30 seconds.
I honestly don't know what else I can say. No. I honestly don't know what else I can say from the last conversation that I had that I got accused by. So it's really honestly like I really don't know what to do or what to say.
It's not defensive. All right. It is over. And very defensive. Everyone, eyes closed.
We are now going to vote on Kira. If you believe Kira is a stoner, raise your hand. Hands down, eyes open. Kira, you are staying.
I told you. I told you guys. You need more time.
Take her out. We're greasy. We have now heard from everybody but Katie. All right. Let's vote her out.
Will one of the four narcs please tell us the truth? I told the truth from the beginning.
I'm the narc. No, you're not. I am the narc. I'm the narc.
Okay. Can I nominate Paris again if you want Paris? I second it. I second Paris.
Who didn't vote for Kira?
I'm the medic. And whoever said me will get you paid. All right. Listen, everyone. Paris, you have 30 seconds to state your case. Can't we just move along? I'm the medic, actually. So if you guys just let me stay, I might save one of you.
This is a lie. This is some bullshit. This is a bullshit lie. It's not.
You're trying the medic thing? I'm the medic. I'm the fucking medic. I'm the medic. And I will save you. I am the medic because this is your fucking time.
Everyone close your eyes. Everyone close your eyes, please.
If you believe Paris is a stoner, raise your hands. You want to be saved. If you believe Paris is a stoner, raise your hands.
Okay. Hands down, eyes open. Paris is safe.
Who is not voting? You are not voting. I'm voting. I'm voting for both of them. Who's not voting?
Who's kill-stining us? Somebody is kill-stining us and we're going to end up in another Trump situation. This is crazy.
Okay. They're not equals. I'm the narc. I got the nod. This right here is... I got the nod. You're making the right choice, you guys. I'm sorry to tell you this so late in the game, but I am the narc. No. We do have to move this game on.
Who hasn't been accused yet? No one's accused me for a good reason.
Can we just kick it off? Because I know... I got the nod. You got the nod. My story was you're just repeating it the next round. I'm like, I got the nod. It's the same way. I just did it first.
I gave you another two. We got another two on Michael.
What?
We want him out of here. Give us 10 seconds. We want him out of here.
And it just has to be a sound. Para's choice.
I got the nod. It's Kira. I don't know how else I can say it. It's Kira. I got the nod. It's Kira. I got the nod. It's Kira.
All right, here we go. Everyone close your eyes. This is the final time we're going to vote, and then we're going to move to a challenge.
If you believe that Michael is stoned, raise your hand. Hands down. Eyes open.
Michael, your parents came, checked you out of school. You have been kicked out in the game.
What were you? I was the narc. You looked directly into my eyes. Michael, I'm so sorry. I was the narc. Just me. But every single other person claimed to be the narc.
I was pissed because it was just so clear to me. It's like Kira is the stoner. Gabris is the poser. I just feel like everyone else wasn't seeing it or like, yeah, I don't know. I was mad.
All right, we're moving on to our next challenge. Your parents are here.
Oh, hot. Oh, my God. And they are furious.
They found various things around your dorm room. They're going to come and ask you about these different things, and you have to on the spot make an excuse for why that was in your room.
Who wants to go first? Gabris? Yeah, I'm almost not high anymore, so I'll do it. Yeah. Gabris?
Your parents just found a condom. Oh, my God. That's awful. Mom, Dad, it's not mine.
I swear to God. I swear.
You know full well. Both of you know full well. I exclusively raw. You know that, Mom. You've told me about it countless times.
But what do I say? Fucking with a condom on is like swimming with your sneakers on. It doesn't make sense.
Great. Excellent. Great.
All right, Gabris, you get to pick who goes next. How about the stoner, Paris? No, she's not. Paris, you're up. Paris, I am on your team.
Paris, they just found Molly. Four capsules of Molly in a little bag.
Go. The pills are pineapple crushings, like that supplement that you take that helps like with digesting meat. Oh. That's what it was.
I didn't even take them. She's not.
Wow. I think they may have bought it.
Paris.
You get to choose who goes next. Go.
Stoner. Yep. Kira. I thought we were friends. She's the medic, dude. Kira.
They just found the anarchist cookbook. Oh, shit. Talk your way out of the list for it. They know exactly what this is, and they're pissed.
Look into their eyes and tell them your story. I'm exploring myself right now. I'm not sure if I necessarily abide by that, but I like to be open. I mean, I'm 16. No, you're not. You're 18. You are? I better adjust my behavior. 18. I'm exploring.
Maybe the government isn't what I want. Maybe democracy isn't what I want. I don't know. At this point, I'm being open to it, right?
Wow. And you're high. Wow.
All right, Katie, you're the last one up. Yeah. All right. Let's go. Let's do this. Your parents just walked in.
They have found a blunt. Oh, my God. Sometimes you want to have a certain experience. It was mine. The blunt was mine. I smoked one. I smoked it one time, and I coughed so much that I couldn't do it again. So I put it out, and I left it there for a friend because it was good weed, and you don't want to throw that out.
Great. Thank you so much, Katie. I think we all completely understood the game. You all completely understood the game. Two of you were like, yeah, absolutely. That's what it was.
Everyone eyes closed. Oh, I don't know who I'm going to pick. Are those? All right. Stoner, who would you like to send away? Eyes closed. My eyes are closed. Medic, who would you like to save? Nark. Yes. Everyone, open your eyes.
Katie, not a word. I'm sorry you've been kicked out of the game. Come this way to the cabana. Katie, I'm sorry. Come right this way. It wasn't me, girl. I believe you. To the cabana. It wasn't me, girl.
Oh, she's pissed. Wow. Oh, Katie.
Okay. That's enough.
It's never a good feeling to be kicked out of something. For a short time, I was like, okay, versus telling the truth. And then Michael started talking, and he was like so convincing, and I was like, he's so passionate about this. And then Gabriel talked again, and then I believed him, and I should never have done that. And that's very clear, and I will never do it again.
Do we have any accusations or seconds? Do we have a formal second on Paris? You two are in cahoots.
I'm the narc. I don't know how many more times I have to talk. I am just a regular person.
Everyone, let's vote. If you believe Paris is a stoner, raise your hand. I can hear you. Hands down, eyes open. Paris, you've been kicked out again. The stoners have won! Against all odds. That was so crazy. I know the voting was going on.
You didn't vote for that. Why didn't you vote?
What happened in this last game of paranoia is sort of an allegory for what happened in America. I used Trumpian techniques, and all I did, a combination of me being bombastic and accusing people of stuff and smearing people and saying bad things about people, and lying, an outright lying. All Trump's tactics combined with people abstaining from voting caused me to win. Lesson learned. Vote, people.
Did you like that episode of Paranoia? When there's a whole season coming to Dropout.tv. Sign up for your free trial today.
I may have made some up. I have Florence, Braga, Luca, Cinque Terre, and Rome. Can someone please look this up? |
dropout | comedy_sucks_with_bassem_youssef_hardly_working | Thank you so much for meeting with us, it's so awesome to be able to sit down with such a big comedian. Oh, thank you guys, it's really nice to meet all of you.
So you were essentially the Egyptian Jon Stewart and then some scary shit went down and you were forced to flee and now you live in Los Angeles? Yeah, that's basically what happened. I heard that you were also a heart surgeon, is that true? Yeah. A heart surgeon? That's incredible. Well, I was a heart surgeon, I mean, I was a doctor, but not anymore because in 2011 I left medicine and I switched to comedy because it was the Arab Spring and I started my show. Hang on, you're saying you gave up an impressive career in medicine to do comedy, like how we do comedy?
Um, yeah, I guess I did. Shit. How much do you regret that?
Oh, no, no, no, I don't regret that, I mean, as a matter of fact, I had a very successful career in comedy. I had a huge show, I had 30 million people watching me every week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know all that, but you were doing something that you could be proud of before that and you were saving lives. Well, in a way, comedy still allows us to save lives.
Bullshit. Come on. Bullshit. You know that's bullshit.
Watch this. Rabbit! Yeah?
You ever saved a life? No, I never even came close. You ever wanted to save a life? Every fucking day of my goddamn life, what man would choose to be a clown if he could be a hero? That was very morbid. When we end Sketches with Katie shitting her pants, that's not saving anyone. Say what now? But, you know, we're not literally saving lives, but comedy is an incredible tool to spread messages to people.
Oh, change! Oh! Geez!
Do you guys all hate comedy? It doesn't matter, it is our only option, it's literally the only thing we're good at.
Smosh has more subscribers than us. Smosh! What the fuck is Smosh?
Right? Exactly! Look, man, I'm gonna be real with you.
You fucked up. You gave up something that was good to do something that a bunch of us idiots can do. Comedians are not idiots! Oh, barf. We are doing this because we are sad and we are dumb. We are not doing this because we are artists and deep thinkers.
I tell people that I didn't read the Harry Potter books because I don't like nerd shit. I don't understand them. They go over my head. And sometimes I'm too sad to even come into work. I stay in bed all day and tweet one dumb thing and that ass-belling it.
Alright, what would you guys rather do? You name it! Flight attendant, soldier, surgeon, little... I would make light Are you just a huge dumbass?! If you seem like a big ol' dumbass... Dude, you're brave! If you three were a little bit less self-obsessed, you would see how fortunate you are. You guys get to make people laugh for a living. Many people would love to be in your place doing what you do.
He's right. Did you just shit your pants? I did. Sorry, I should probably go take care of this. Sorry about that. That's disgusting! Okay, you're a doctor. Get over it. Was a doctor. Give me. |
Wizards_with_Guns | literally_every_conversation_in_star_wars_ | All right, come on.
You're my brother.
Exactly, exactly. You're stupid. I'm a ja'pri. Couldn't have said it better myself. Oh, you explain!
Well, you have to... Well, everything has to... You have to make sure everything happens, everything has to...
There's nothing left.
But everything has to be done. Everything has to be done.
I don't understand a word you're saying we've been at this for hours you're just supposed to tell me the coordinates to the enemy's secret planet gun you know the planet that's actually a gun but also it shoots planets please just try to communicate because we don't have time okay yeah right I don't know what the fuck that is normally I completely understand my alien friends I'd be like hey blue vodka what do you want for lunch and he'll be like and I'm like oh great great grapes are good but you you're just like exactly what what even is that is that your name oh my god I understood that your name is Mike okay Mike what are the coordinates wait can you understand him oh no he just seemed like he was telling a joke I wanted to see in on it sorry what nobody get closer oh okay what did he say he just put his tongue in my ear excuse me perhaps I can be of assistance as a communications droid I can process over 4 billion languages yes perfect tell them what you told me great you broke it but I'm just gonna sneeze I'm trying it's just like I can't wait okay where is it just points to a planet bigger you sure you have to be absolutely certain because if we miss their secret planet gun with our secret planet gun they'll know that we're not just a planet but that we're actually also a gun and they'll shoot us we only have one chance at this one shot over toast set sights for vagar on excellent work is everything all right with your order sir I didn't order anything you didn't order the spug spug terribly sorry sir that's our mistake I'll get this out of the way for you oh good you're here what's the mystery on my way to the can anyway the coordinates are oh oh my god did you did you eat my spug it's the president president it's not just the shit the chest up hologram it's the full body hologram mr. president |
cracked | 6_dumb_arguments_that_feel_like_the_end_of_the_world_the_cracked_podcast | Put your hands together for the Crack Podcast Live! Welcome, everybody, to the Crack Podcast.
I'm Soren Bowie. I'll be your host for the evening.
Jack, our usual host, our editor-in-chief, is out on disability, so our thoughts are with him, obviously. I love that you didn't add a joke structure to that, but one person was like, disability. What's wrong with him? He had a baby. The biggest disability in the world.
Let me introduce everybody that you're now hearing. To my right, this is Michael Swain. Howdy! Howdy, howdy, howdy. My face is cracked, I'm sure you all know.
To his right is Amy Letterman. Amy Letterman is a comic who has no business hanging out with people this small.
It's true. And to her right is Cody Johnston, one of our senior editors, senior writers. Soren Bowie! Soren Bowie, everyone! Thank you.
So tonight we're going to talk about issues that people care a little too much about. Things that would seem ordinarily trivial until you actually start talking to people about it, and then you realize how much you genuinely care about it. Michael, I just want to ask you, is there some issue that you care deeply about? You can tell on the internet or anywhere else you've been that this is a divisive issue as well.
Is it preferable for a human to be too hot or too cold? And you'll always end up screaming like, you can take off the jacket, you can't take off your skin! And you're like, yeah, I can get in a f***ing pool, asshole! Or at least when I do this in the mirror, that's how I end up, work myself into a fervor. But yeah, and I don't, there's like, our body works so hard to keep us in a perfect temperature homeostasis, so you'd think it would be something that everyone kind of had the same sense of, but I think temperature is something that we can argue endlessly about, that by definition, it doesn't matter. Like, what you think does not matter to anyone outside your skin. Yeah, I think there's a lot of that in L.A., especially because everybody's a transplant here, and everybody thinks it's their superpower that they can withstand cold weather, so as soon as they move here, they're like, oh no, it's not f***ing cold out, I'm for Chicago, man, that's where it gets cold. And it's like, no, it's legitimately cold, I can see you shivering. Wait two years and you'll be wearing a jacket at this time.
Yeah, I do like that one a lot, I think that that's, it's really, really common, but that's like an in-person one, I never see that argument on the internet, but in-person, everybody's like, that's true, all of mine are in-person. Very local, that's fine. And very similar.
Like, whether I'm tired is something people tend to have a lot of opinions about. Like, I'm tired, I only slept six hours last night, I slept four hours, I feel fine. Okay, both are true, I don't know what to tell you, man. Yeah, that's true, some people think you need like a certain amount of sleep. Yeah, but I will give that to the internet, for all the trolls out there, no one has ever written me, they've said like, I'll find you and murder you, but they've never said like, you're not tired.
F*** you. Really, I get it all the time, they go, you look tired, f***ing, oh, excuse me. The way the toilet paper hangs, I think is a big thing, at least for me, because of course you put it in the front. No, no, I'm f***ing coarse.
Yeah, what are you, an animal? Right, you need to see what you're doing, you grab it and you pull it down. No, to paw it down? Yeah, like an animal. No, no, no, no, like a human would just pull it.
No, not to pull back the curtain too much on this, but I have to ask like, as a friend and comedian, you genuinely care, because this was on the list and I was like, this is one that's fun to pretend you care about. I care if it's my home, that's the way it goes. You'll switch it if you're at home and you see it. What is that one? What do you want to f***ing do? Oh, do you fold it for yourself?
The patent for a toilet roll shows it. It says here's how you do it. This is the patent for toilets. Yeah, and you know what? Make a f***ing difference and be someone that f***ing shines. Don't make patents.
Flip it to the f***ing ground. Cody, before you get run over by this bus, I will say that I'm on your team here. Thank God.
Even at restaurants, I will change it if it's backwards. You change it? I will change it.
That's extreme, man. Assuming that it's not locked down, which now several of the more people are supposed to do. You know what's s*** about that? You're the reason. No, that people are wiping with your f***ing fingerprints all over their f***ing toilet paper. No, I also like to unroll it all and touch it all and then roll it back up. Imagine that person is killed right after in an ass-related crime. Your prints are going to be all over. I was debating in my own mind whether or not I wanted to circumcise my son.
And if you go online, it's chaos. It's absolute chaos. It's lore of the flies where people are smoking one another out of places and dropping rocks on them. They're so mad on both sides.
I didn't know that's how it was done. A rock drop seems complicated. Tribunal of kids decides for your son. I don't know.
And on both sides, both people think that you're essentially killing the child regardless of what you do. So on one side, there are the people who are saying, no, this is genital mutilation. You're killing all the sensation we'll eat around when they want to have sex. You're not giving them the choice.
All these women aren't going to get bacterial vaginosis. It's like so unfair. All these women in the future. We're going to have healthy vaginas. It's going to be so insane.
Other side. There you go. And then the other side are people saying, oh, no, they run the risk of infection. If you leave the skin there, there are all these long-term problems that they can have. Sometimes the skin doesn't grow, and the penis tries to, and then it just ends up like, oh, my God, is there anything sadder than the penis that tried to grow?
I feel like I've had a few of those. I get emails about that all the time. Well, we were talking backstage about there's people so dedicated to the idea that as babies, they were deprived of the opportunity to choose for themselves. My favorite humans on Earth. Yes. The people that think circumcision was their Holocaust and they're just trying to take back the night and they're hanging cinder blocks from their dick skin are my favorite people. If everyone was going to get killed and murdered and there was one group of people that I could save, it would be the people that are mad that they were circumcised. I love them. They hang increasing weight, small lead weights onto the foreskin that's there stretching it out until they have recovered their foreskin, it's the appropriate response. It's called, it's called, it's called, Fomundu cheese envy.
And I believe that's what you finally settled on for your son, right? Was that path? Yeah. But you did it, right? So where did you land?
So where's baby's penis update? Let's hear it here first. Okay, so Dr. D. Reel is too much. He is circumcised. We went with it. See, I actually was interested in a straw poll of how these people feel about him.
I really want to see your faces now. I want to see the face of an uncut right now. Show yourself, uncut.
I have had very impassioned arguments with people about whether our pets truly love us or are capable of having love, or you're like, well, what is love then? I mean, of course it has, it likes me, it thinks of me as the leader. Right, but does it love me like I love it? And just the argument of like, what level of sentience your pets have if it's similar to human, and of course, do they love me? Well, I'm just more interested on whether pets can love or can hate their owners.
That sounds more fun. Rather than like...
Because they hated by your own animals. Of course they can attack you if the situation calls for it, but can they harbor like a deep hatred for you?
Present them? Because even like animals that are abused, they still are like, they stick with it. Their owner. Right. Not to like be a huge f***ing owner. Well, everything, and there's so many... There's still like...
They'll be like, yeah, what do you want? What do you want?
Oh, no, I fear you, but also your mind, so I guess I love you. Right. And even on the site we talk about all the time, there's always constantly new factoids about like what they think and why they're doing that. Like, oh, they're just looking you for salt. Oh, no, it shows submission. It actually means they're scared because you're the alpha. No, my doc loves me. Like, everyone interprets it the way that I think suits their worldview, and I don't think there is a clear answer.
But then you see those like guys that come home from war or whatever, and their dogs are weeping. The dogs like run up and attack them and like weep and cry. Tears from the dogs.
I'm like, ah! Oh, there you go.
One dog is a tiny little dog, and the owner came home after, I think, like two years of being gone, and it got so excited, it literally died. I want my dog to love me that much. It excited itself to death. I think the rule should be, if you die and your animal's willing to eat you within a week, that probably didn't love you very much.
I love you so much. I would eat plenty of my loved ones. If my pet died, and I love my pet, and there was no food available to me, then I would eat my pet. Because you don't realize you're a pet. You are a food source. And to that animal, you're the food source.
What else are you going to do? I'm sorry. You don't ever look at your dog and go like, mm, look at that little chicken thigh.
Like, it just looks like a little... The drumsticks look good.
Yeah. I'll give you that. Do you want to talk about the Oxford comma at all? Yeah, yeah. An Oxford comma is, any time you have three or more objects in a sentence, you put the commas in, and then before the and for the last one, sometimes there's a comma in there. That's the Oxford comma.
That's like the only rule I know. So I hope that's right. Well, it depends. I mean, it depends on who you ask. Right. So like a quick example, any sense if you're going to say, Soren, Cody, and Annie bowed to Michael's superior stage presence. There would be a comma after Soren and definitely after Cody. No, that's the one that's questionable.
So if I were writing it, there would be a comma after it. Comma and... Comma person's name, comma, and other person. Because I think a comma represents when you would pause when you're saying the sentence.
But they're... Thank you. And I actually... And I do care about it very much.
But there are people who believe just the opposite because they don't think the written language is about what you're going to say. It's about the archaic rules of the way the symbols go. I don't think AP Style Guide uses Oxford commas.
And that's what I go by? See, so he goes by like the authority figure. The good book is what I go by.
Yeah, but nobody reads books anymore.
So let's just do it to talking. Exactly. And language is a living organism. However people use the word, that's how they use the word. It's why like... For ooze, now means to skim over. Get used to it.
Literally, now means virtually. Yeah, literally means virtually is hard for me to accept, but I guess it's hard. It's like the second definition now. Literally, definition. Figuratively.
Well, we all... The world died the minute that selfie became an actual word. We're all... It's all over for us now.
Oh, can we do selfies? I think most of us, even if we say we're anti-selfie, have taken our positive selfies. You gotta take a selfie every once in a while.
I'm so anti-them, and there's the million. I really don't like taking them. It's humiliating. Or posting them. I really dislike it. It's a really embarrassing thing. Why? People don't realize it's so f***ing embarrassing, because it's true vanity.
Okay, that's... Yeah, that's what I want to get. It's your true vanity. And I feel like that might be a generational thing that's changing someone. Or I think one of the effects of the internet is we're kind of on the cusp of a time when that it's not considered vanity. To share everything with anyone. It's just considered. That's how the internet works.
It's just so... It's weird, though, because even when... Being anti-selfie, even when I'm, like, just fast scrolling through Instagram, I will automatically just like a selfie and be like, f***, I like the selfie. Because there is something so easy to, like, oh, it's a person's video. But you made that person feel so good about themselves. Oh, and they needed it. It's so f***ing mad. I want to get into also why we do this, or at least some theories on why we do this, because even within this conversation, we've all had our arguments for it.
And there's a theory from a guy named Parkinson's. Not that Parkinson's.
Those are the people that laughed at disability, by the way. Yeah, there's a particular section of the audience. That's the uncut section.
That loves sobering, life-altering diseases and injuries. So he's got a theory called Parkinson's Law of True Reality. And what it basically says is that the amount of noise generated around an issue is inversely proportional to the complexity of the issue. It's also called the Law of Diminishing Interest. But what it means is that the harder and more complex an issue is to understand, the less of a stance people want to take on it. For a lot of reasons.
First of all, you assume that other people know more than you do already, and that they're going to cover it. And then also, in order to feel like you belong to society and that you're participating in society, you want to have opinions on things. It's just natural. It's part of being like a pack animal, I think. And so you're going to pick the things that you know more about. And in the case of something that's very superficial and very easy or subjective, it tricks your mind into thinking that you're an expert on it already. That's why, when I talk about toilet paper, I think, oh, the f*** did anyone do it the other way?
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's so clear. It's right there. It's so exciting to just have a stance on something, even if it's the stupidest thing in the f***ing world. Especially when it's the stupidest thing. That's when people really take a stance on something. Exactly. And I think that mathematical equation of that inverse relationship reaches a singularity. When you get to something that is an opinion, or by its nature, there can't actually be an answer, the absolute absence of anything substantive makes you believe that your opinion cannot be questioned by the very fact that you know that it's a pointless exercise. You're like, I can care about this as much as I want to. Well, yeah, because it's just opinion.
Nobody, there's no...
It's also called bike shedding. And the way that it got its name is actually a really funny story, because Parkinson, when he was creating this theory, he had gone to a lot of different city council meetings and things like that. And then...
You are the f***ing weirdest person in the world. Unicratic inefficiency, am I right? If you don't show us your uncircumcised f*** on this stage in the Q&A, you're the f***ing worst person in the world.
He had seen a lot of inefficiency, and the hypothetically he gave, based off of all the experience that he had, was that there's this council meeting that's deciding whether or not to put in this new nuclear reactor, and that's the first issue on their docket. When they do it, they spend like two minutes deciding whether or not to do it, because they assume somebody else has gotten the pricing and everything right. The next issue on it is whether or not to give the employees of that nuclear reactor a bike shed, and they spend like two hours on that issue. Because everybody knows what a bike shed is, and so they're like, oh, we should make the corrugated steel. That's what the roof should be. People are like, no, man, that's not the way to go. You got to go to the asbestos. And everybody had an opinion about it, and so it's really, as soon as you feel like you have a good grasp of the concept, that's when you'll dive in and be like, no, no, it's my opinion or nothing. And it comes up a lot in filmmaking, the idea that everyone wants to put their fingerprint on it as it passes through the process, but people are, most people, good people, God-fearing people, don't want to f*** a thing up. But if it's a simple process and they're like, oh, I can just say I think the bikes should be blue, that's not going to ruin the project, and I earned my bloke's paycheck.
Right. And I think that exact principle is like all of politics. It's the direction that gave us the politics we have, which is that as soon as an issue becomes too complex, 1% of 1% of voters know anything about it. And you have to just do, these are my three things. It's like a Denny's menu with the picture. It's like, I got a wall, I got this thing, I got this thing, just point at what you want, we'll do it. But it always moons over my hammy, right? That's what I got to name. Exclusively. Actually, I care a lot about that.
You can see that. I mean, how dare you not name everything else amazing names that had moons over my hammy. You can see the media play to that. I mean, just the... And they really, I feel like they get it the most now in this current election. You can see that they're not...
The titles of articles are things about like Trump's... Or... Beautiful hands. And now that you've said that, we've entitled this podcast episode, Trump's... That's great for veterans. Trump's cut baby... Yeah. Or like when Jeb Bush said he would go back in time and kill baby Hitler.
Like, these are the news stories now because everybody, they know. They've clued into the fact that people will only care and argue about these things because the other ones are very, very complex and hard to understand. And people don't want to admit that they're dumb.
Right. Well, people, I remember I was at a coffee shop and some guy was like, I can't vote for Hillary. She reminds me of my aunt. And I was like, but what? What the fuck are you talking about? Who does Trump remind you of? As on, weirdly enough.
So, what you were saying, Michael, that you can see that in movies and stuff, there is in programming, computer programming, there's a term called a duck. I don't know, are there any computer programmers here?
That's shocking. Oh, my God. Misjudged our demographic.
In programming, so a duck is, it's from this lore story, no one actually knows if it's true or not, but the game Battle Chess that you maybe played when you were a kid where you can actually watch the chess pieces murder one another. When they were making that game, the programmer for it added a duck to the Queen's piece. And every time, no matter what the Queen would do, this duck would like flap and squawk and do all this weird shit, whether she was murdered or being somebody, and he added it specifically so that when this went to their Q&A or their departments, their managers, to determine what they should save, what they should cut, so that when it got to them, they would say, yeah, we like everything, just get rid of the duck. So, something gave them something to focus on that they could pick out from everything else and be like, ah, there's something that's wrong and they could feel like they were legit. And that's when they came up with Duck Hunt?
That was kind of better than what you gave me. Cody, are you going to tell the possibly apocryphal South Park follow-up? Oh, yeah. Or do you not want to go out on them? I think this is true. In the South Park movie...
Asterisk. There's... After every single... Asterisk.
There's that scene with the devil in Saddam Hussein and there's that dildo flopping around. It's a real d*** that they used in the movie and they did it because they knew, oh, well, we'll give it to the standards of practice and they'll say, well, you can't have a real d*** in here and use their dildo and they'll ignore all the other d*** that they did. But they didn't notice it.
So there's the d*** in the movie now. So their d*** was a d***. Their d*** was a d***, but it didn't work. D*** d***. Their d*** didn't work.
Ah, that's great. Well, that's our show, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for having your own arguments. We're going to keep talking, but you guys can file out.
Hi, I'm Serena Fialo and I play Carly. Hi, I'm Tyler Poel and I play Andrew.
Thanks for watching. Please like this video and subscribe to this channel.
Yeah. You may think that we are actually still in an underground super secret bunker, but... Guess what? It's just a sound stage. We're the crew members. |
dropout | if_college_movies_were_honest | College, a place where young people go to expand their minds, meet new friends, and maybe have a little fun. But this group of undergrads is about to find out. Boys, get ready for the most epic semester of your lives. We're gonna have a lot of late nights. Working on our final project, analyzing cross-cultural flood myths.
It ain't like the movies. Heck yeah. I just downloaded a lecture on the epic of Gilgamesh. I'll share it with you guys.
They'll have to actually go to class. I can't make it to rehearsal for acapella regionals tomorrow. I have a physics final. But Beth, if we don't win, it won't matter in the grand scheme of things, I guess. Yeah, it would be insane of you to skip your physics final for this. Yeah, this extracurricular has no intrinsic value to us after we graduate.
Oh. They'll casually hang out with friends. Gentlemen, tonight's pirate palooza is going to show Delta Rho who the true kings of campus are. We got something a little better up our sleeve. Yeah, we're just going to catch up on DVR, play some video games, and not leave the cats the entire weekend. Oh, thank god. Oh, that's so much better.
And they'll deal with the financial realities of higher education. Spring break is two weeks away. Pack up, ladies, because we're headed to our parents' houses. I can definitely not afford to take a road trip to Mexico. I'm going to be in debt for years.
Yeah, you are. This fall, make some memories. Brad, before we graduate tomorrow, I have to ask you. Yeah. We should break off, right? Oh, yeah. Totally. I mean, we're moving opposite coasts, it would make no sense to force this. Okay, awesome. Well, good luck with the rest of your life. Hey, you too. It's been fun.
I'm not going to see you again. No. Try to stay out of trouble. Excuse me. Dean Mitchell. No, I have a delivery here for Ted. Oh, sorry.
I thought you were the dean. I don't actually know what the dean looks like. I saw him give a speech once.
Get ready for the best four years. Looks like somebody won't be leaving this year, suckers. Five years of your life. I'm getting my master's in electrical engineering. |
TheOnion | Doctor_Recalls_Average_Looking_Sibling_Who_Inspired_Him_To_Go_Into_Cosmetic_Surgery | This is Dr. Daniel Barrett. Renowned for his work in facial enhancements and beloved by his patients, Dr. Barrett credits much of his success as a cosmetic surgeon to one person in particular. His brother, Kevin, who was born with an unexceptional face and whose average looks have plagued him throughout his life. As a kid I remembered thinking that there was nothing I could do for Kevin. Watching someone you really love and care about suffer from a weak jawline or unsymmetrical features had a major impact on me. Barrett was deeply troubled by the trials of Kevin's childhood in which his younger brother failed to develop the symmetrical features and lustrous hair of a more attractive person. Following a traumatic incident in which Kevin was overlooked for the lead in the school play, Barrett says he decided to dedicate his life to saving patients from the aesthetic shortcomings his brother fought as a child. Kevin had to spend his entire lifetime looking like this, but he made me realize that I could make sure that no one else would have to suffer like he did from disproportionate ears, sagging eyelids, that oversized nose. It's been a long, difficult road, but Dan has always been there for me. And the fact that he's committed his life to saving others from looking like me, it's an honor. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_power_rangers_kinect | Welcome to BleepBleep. I'm Jeff Rubin. That's Justin Tyler and my co-host, Pat Cassels. Today we are playing Power Rangers Super Samurai for the Xbox Connect. I was doing a jet... Oh my God, it's me.
What do I do? Oh, they just show me? It evaluated like... You don't have what it takes. Sorry, you've scanned your BMI. You gotta write your symbol in the air with your hands. I have to write this?
Yeah, yeah. Just like, you know, like kind of like... No, you know, like Power Rangers, right? I don't know what that means. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, do the pose. Do the pose with like your hands in front of you.
Oh my God. Dude, this is crazy. That's you. Opening credits. Yeah, no. They're really selling that I'm in this game right now.
Even though it obviously didn't work right and your eyes are like up in the upper right quadrant of the helmet. You can't see anything. I bet this technology was developed to help like soldiers with PTSD or something like that. It was just reappropriated by Bandai. Perform attacks to get in the range of the enemy. I just don't even want to look at the TV.
I'm just like... I'll tell you what, this is fun. Yeah, it's not bad, right?
I think this is the ultimate Power Rangers game. I think they have... There is one called Ultimate Power Rangers game. Where are Bulk and Skull in this whole mess? They should be like minigames in between levels.
Right now they're watching, they're like, It's what we said, dude! He knows!
Apparently you reek because there's a green mist coming off of you. No, that's coming from my body right now. Oh, he'll be ready for a nap once you just cry it out.
Oh, yeah! Oh, Green Ranger. Probably had no background check for that blaster, to be honest. You know? You can do some loophole. You can do some giant blaster gun show.
They don't care. Where did the cannon go? There was nothing that ever indicated a cannon would be involved. Oh, you gotta watch the show. There's a cannon.
Oh, here we go. You're gonna get in the Zord? We did all the Zord work! We did the Zord work!
Sorry, guys. This is bullshit.
Everyone gets a Zord hat with a safety strap, of course. All right, Pat, I got some tips about this. Oh, my God. Oh, look, they're all friends. You mean they're all just like in one place? Yeah. And they're all like sort of doing what you're supposed to be doing while you play. Yes. Very helpful.
It is weird, though, because you're doing the action that they, the samurai do, and then when they do it, then a Zord does it. It's such a weird way to... There's a lot of layers. A lot of zombie layers.
You beat him that quick! You didn't even do anything! You know, it's weird because it took you guys a really long time to complete your level, and now I just sort of breeze through it. So now it's like... We did all the grunt work. To kill.
Oh, look at ya. Where's your armor, bro? Hey, guys? Guys?
This is the ranger training mode. Dancing? Whoa, it's dancing! Oh, look at you!
Isn't a dream come true for Jack? The only one who can possibly complete our Zord is Jeff Rubin. Please join us for this, our calisthenics. Curious uniform. Jeff, why didn't you wear your spandex uniform we made for you? Do the jelly stains on your jeans give you power? There's like this barrier between me and the pink ranger where it's like, ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Photo-op!
That's just been emailed to all of your friends. That's just what got posted on your high school... Two of the video games we're missing was a mirror. I needed to see myself playing the game. Those pictures go right to some horrible skeezy dude, basically, and then back here comes another one. Yeah. Click me to subscribe to the College of your YouTube page. Click below for more Bleak Blue. |
dropout | always_open_with_dave_koechner_with_jessica_biel | Uh, I got you a gift. Aw, I didn't get you anything.
Oh, you don't have to. Do you want to open it? Yeah. All right. Just go for it? Mm-hmm. Now think about it first. Okay, go ahead and open it. I think something might come. Box of air!
No, we can get rid of this. No.
Here's what I like to pretend. It's a philosophical gift. It doesn't matter, because the gift is really the time we're sharing together.
We got a camera up there. Right there. You've got a cleavage cam and a crotch cam? I know. For a woman, it's kind of like, what are you guys trying to get at, right? Yeah.
You climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. Let's say we're trapped on the mountain together. Both of us were freezing, and we need to share a bodily warmth. Do you think it would get romantic? We're in a tent now. Mm-hmm. It's freezing. I guess we have to get in that same sleeping bag.
Yeah, clothes off. Clothes have got to be off, for sure.
What do you think? Does it get romantic? How many days are we up there? Two. How many more days are we up there? How many would it take?
Well... We went up here a year and a half now. It's on. It takes a year and a half? I know.
We're going to die. No one's going to rescue us.
Yeah. Do we get romantic? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think so. I think it just happened.
Would we tell our significant others? Would you write it in the snow? I think our significant others would get up there and go, you know what? They did it. They're dead. We probably don't need to write it in the snow.
I'd keep a diary. I would probably burn your diary.
Another mountain question. A Yeti is up there. A Himalayan Yeti. A Yeti comes upon you. And the only way that you can defend against this Yeti and dispatch this Yeti is to be your most coquettish.
I have to flirt with it? Whatever it means to you. Oh, Mr. Yeti. You have such big hands.
Look at your fur. I just want to rub your fur. I want to brush it. I want to French braid it.
I ran off. You're going to have to make a thousand faces. Okay. What face do you start with?
Straight. Nothing. Exactly. You do nothing and you go incrementally, right?
Oh, yes. Here's my first face of a thousand faces. Here's mine. Here's five hundred. One, two, three, go. Oh, that's good. I'm already in smiles. See, I went through smiles, went through frowns, and then went to... I'm going to go to our thousandth face. Are you ready? Yeah. One, two, three, go. Argh! |
cracked | nov_27th_news_on_cracked_oprah_britney_obama_and_more | It's Tuesday, November 27th, and this is the News on Cracked. Oprah Winfrey has announced her support for presidential hopeful Barack Obama. Some wonder, though, whether Obama is really the candidate whose opinions mesh most closely with hers, or whether perhaps Oprah is only endorsing him because Obama is the only Democrat in the race who happens to be a woman.
Canadian singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette is being inducted into the Canadian Music Industry Hall of Fame. As Morissette herself might say, how ironic. Kevin Dubrow, former lead singer of the 80s metal band Quiet Riot, was found dead in his Las Vegas home at the age of 52. Neighbors had asked authorities to investigate the singer's whereabouts after noticing that they had not come on felt any noise in recent days.
And now we go to our puppet correspondent, Jonny Storm. For our segment, jokescrack.com is only comfortable making when we can hide behind a puppet. Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor has died after being shot in his home on Monday. Guess it's true what everyone says. The Redskins secondary is really fucking weak. Thanks Jonny. You're going to hell.
Speaking of hell, Vice President Dick Cheney has been traded for an irregular heartbeat. Doctors were surprised during a routine medical visit when it appeared that Cheney actually had a beating heart, which of course seemed extremely irregular.
A judge has ruled that constant punchline Britney Spears can spend Christmas morning with her two sons. Guess Santa decided that they were both pretty fucking naughty this year. And finally, NBC's Last Call with Carson Daly will be the first late night talk show to go back into production since the writer strike began. Producers say that since the show is on so late at night, they expect the strike will probably end by the time they go on the air. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Tune in again tomorrow. And while you're at it, send us large wads of cash. |
TheOnion | Troublehacker_Whenever_I_Leave_The_House_Broken_Glass_Cuts_My_Feet | Okay, having the bottoms of your feet cut up by rocks, shells, broken glass is a common but easily fixable problem. Let me show you how. There are ways to protect your feet from glass or debris. You're going to want to find strips of rubber big enough to cover the bottom of your feet. And you're going to want to put the rubber underneath your foot when you go outside. This way it acts as a barrier between you and the ground underneath you. Of course, you're going to have to attach the rubber to the bottom of your foot and you can do that with just a little bit of twine. Very easy. All right, now that you have that rubber strap, you can keep the rubber on the bottom of your feet when you go outside. Let's just test it out. Okay, as you can see, I'm wearing the rubber foot guards. As you can see, my feet are perfectly protected. Okay, so now you're probably going to get made fun of for having rubber at the bottom of your foot, but you will be the one laughing when you're not pulling shards of glass out of your soul all night.
Bye bye. |
cracked | how_china_s_government_just_proved_the_future_will_be_insane_cracked_responds | Hey, have you guys heard what's going on in China? China released this video to catch everyone up on their new five-year economic plan The monsters explained that you you should put your faith in it and everyone worked really hard on it It does not explain what the plan is, but there is a plan. Yeah, they are assuring us over and over There is a plan this looks like a serial killer trying to make a dream journal out of nothing sassy woman with the bear head and there's this disembodied Goblin hand that is bouncing the moon on a string I thought it was like a windsock on the moon and here's this little wind up gang is gone.
Yeah, man Why say 13.5? She said who means the 13th 5. Okay But why is a 13.5?
This is huge and the guy says how huge we're talking wolf. No bigger bear bigger elephant the Lord Huge like China's huge.
Yeah, you got it. You got it.
This guy's paying attention This just sound what A bunch of hippies on a bus, right? That's a China image all things that China actively tries to destroy Party leadership contributing fine. I really love that they show us marching soldiers. I love that so much even humble farmers and then this like even engineers who deal with poo and then they show a robot with Shit on his head big lump of shit right on his pile of shit on his head He's holding two frying pans. Let's say 13.5 Research views collected then discussion and views projected reports get written and passed around Then there's there's actually more research and more discussion song takes a full-blown stop for this guy to be like they Have a discussion they do more discussion like everybody like at every level over and over they do keep talking Well, they do it takes a long time and they're like, okay, we got it hundreds of rounds. Oh my god crazy, right? Okay, one two three wacky guys should've talked that long sing the catchy song again You stop all your time to explain what the plan was fourth verse would have been a great opportunity to be like now What is this plant chorus but the Okay, so ziggy stardust is gonna understand lives in picture plans who this is for But they're talking about their economic plan and like I don't know they just showed a typewriter in their research section So well then we know there's no way this is great. They researched it. There's a rocket It's a rocket blimp part of the plan. I hope so China kind of looks like a big mouse. Yeah That's Interestingly you bring that up because at some point I'm sure a giant mouse with human eyes will appear in this video in a mouth Just on its chest. Yeah, Cindy Lauper is there to ensure that's the Death Star and the moon Oh Wait, no, that's no I Love that dog. This is the portion where they just list names of people I love chicken boots so much Because they really every bit of this is is I think designed to like be Off-putting like horror movie style like the ring You're like, is that part of a chicken and while your brain is trying to catch up to that Shows up a very abruptly. It was like oh, there's the rest of that chicken Time to get ready for the 14 five-year plan is a minor thing to pick out in a video That's that's absolutely insane But so the entirety of the song in the chorus there They keep saying the Shisan move the Shisan move and one guy goes the Shisan what and eventually by the end I'm sure he gets it you would say then the video ends and they say now it's time to get ready for the 14th plan What? What They the three other three said about what look man we just they they use it to begin with English so I don't know why it's for me and they use a bunch of like There's Ziggy Stardust touchstone. They use Jimi Hendrix's body at some point they have Albert Einstein a whole bunch of things that Aren't Chinese, right? They seem to suggest that somebody like Albert Einstein was instrumental in this plan yet He didn't have anything to do with economics and he also fled suppressive regime 2015 Hey everyone, thanks for watching that video make sure you subscribe and like if you haven't and do Yes Yep We've never done a good one of these no, it's it's impossible. It's great like if you haven't and do |
cracked | 5_unlikely_vacation_spots_from_fictional_universes | I'm Jack, I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked, and I'm thrilled to be joined by my first-time co-host. He's a hilarious comic who you probably know from being on all the podcasts. He's Mark Wahlberg on Doug Love's Movies. He co-hosts Dumb People Town with the Sklar Brothers. He's been on Bared Down, The Todd Glass Show, and hosts Tynesight with Dan Van Kirk. Please give it up for Mr. Daniel Van Kirk.
Hi, everybody. Hi. I'm honored to be here.
I spent most of my life growing up inside of fictional universes, because I was kind of a nerd, but today we're asking if you could combine those two ideas, if you could combine Spring Break with fictional universes, where would you go? You're going to have an opportunity to tell us where you would visit, study abroad at Hogwarts, take a trip to the luxurious moisture farms of Tatooine, Dust Bowl-era Oz, because I hear it's become gentrified since then.
Very much so. What's your answer? My first initial instinct, and it's already a vacation destination, would be the resort lake and town that they go to in The Great Outdoors. All right. I love that movie.
You can get a great cabin for a great deal. There's like a deranged bald-headed bear running around haunting people. They also have a restaurant in that town where you can ...
I think it's like the old 96er? Oh, right. Yeah.
You can eat a human-sized steak. Maybe this is my Midwestern showing, but I love a good food challenge restaurant. I'm probably just trying to recreate something I already do.
Is that safe? Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah. That's perfectly fine.
Definitely in for that.
Not super adventurous, but I'll give it to you. I think it's fine. I think I would visit Amity Island from the Jaws universe.
Really? Because ... Just a whole bunch of moms that don't give a shit. Right. There's that. There's ...
In the first movie, which is the least insane, there are three people eaten by a shark and then the Fourth of July rolls around and people are just pouring off the ferry to show up at that beach. It must be just the greatest beach in the world. People still can't help themselves. They have to run in the water. There have been three people literally eaten for everyone to see.
The funnel cakes are worth it. I think my runner up is Cabot Cove from the murder she wrote universe.
Really? Because ... Well, same logic basically.
It has ... The BBC actually did a study and it has a 60% higher murder rate than Honduras, which is the murder capital of the real world. But it's so pleasant. I know. Well, that's the crazy thing. It's pleasant.
Everybody dies in Honduras every 74 minutes in a violent way, so in Cabot Cove, 60% more than that.
I don't know how to do that now. Well, let's figure it out. Let's not. That'd be like around 24 minutes.
Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Whoa. Do you want to go there? Well, because ... Jack. First of all, all the residents are elderly people, so I feel like I could outrun most of them. You're more ...
And for whatever reason, tourists just keep going. And also, none of the tourists are remotely aware that Jessica Fletcher is clearly killing all these people, because the murder rate on her vacations is also astronomical. So yeah, it's a town with a population of 3,000 with Honduras' murder rate, and it still has a booming tourism industry.
Should we get to our first guest, who has one of my favorite answers? Yeah, let's do it. Up first is one of my favorite stand-up comedians who has worked for TV shows like Teachers on TV Land Review and Key and Peel. Sounds like ... Please give it up for Blake Wexler. Hello.
So my favorite fictional vacation place that I could go to is Zootopia. It's not just the fact that there are huge artists there as a gazelle voiced by Shakira, obviously a tourist attraction, number one. It's not also that I'm very insecure about my height, and whenever I'm not feeling good about myself, I can just meander over to rodent town and just be like, I'm a god. It's not that, which I feel like is the appeal of Japan.
And then I also really, really, really love the city of Boston. Boston's one of my favorite cities in the country, in the world. And that's why I chose Zootopia, is because Zootopia reminds me a lot of Boston.
And this might need an explanation. Both of these known cities, Boston and Zootopia, very, very segregated. They're both very segregated. You go to Boston and it's just like, oh, all of the white people live here. And then you go to Dorchester, which is like, there's a wall up. And you're like, oh, there's everybody else. Why don't we mix it together like a normal functioning place?
Zootopia, also poor race relations. The carnivores and the herbivores, there's a lot of friction there. No spoilers. Also, like Boston, there's a lot of racial profiling by police in Zootopia.
The foxes have it hard there. There's a special spray for foxes that rabbit cops carry around with themselves. And I think we all know what a Boston police officer, how unfair they would be in general.
And then last thing, the reason why I want to go to vacation in Zootopia, and this is the most important thing, is that there's no fucking people. There's going to be no people there. What ruins a vacation quicker than people? They're the worst.
It's like, oh, good.
He's texting with his volume on his phone. Do you hear what you're doing? You're a psycho.
So yeah, Zootopia. Zootopia's my pick.
I have a question for you, though. Oh, please. So you visit Zootopia. Yes. Okay. One of the things I like to do when I go on vacation is eat without regard to anything. What would you do for a great dinner in Zootopia without really offending some of the citizens? Yeah.
Because you couldn't be gorging, and then it's like you're eating, like, here, it would be like, oh, you're eating like a human being, and then their sister walks by, and you're just like, I'm on vacation. Don't look at me. I'm on vacation. I brought my loose pants.
It's part of the plan. We get to eat as much as we want here. All right. Let's bring out our next performer, Blake. Why don't you come over here and join us? Yes. Thank you so much. Welcome.
Hi. What's up? Hey. What's up, Jamie? I'm good. How are you? Good. Okay.
You've chosen one of the great magical worlds in the history of the fantasy genre.
Yeah. It's a pretty intricate universe, very different from our own. Yeah. Frasier's Seattle. Yep. It's my selection. The series finale, I remember watching it in my bed alone, door locked. I was stimulated intellectually, emotionally, and physically in a way that I would recognize about 10 years later was sort of coming for the first time. Wow. So yeah.
I want to go back there. I want to go on a vacation there. I think everyone will want to go on a vacation there because like who doesn't want to go somewhere where they had a very uncomfortable formative sexual experience as an early teenager. And that's why I think so many people vacation at their hometown's YMCA in the basement.
There's a lot of rules in Frasier's Seattle that don't exist in our world. The first being that Kelsey Grammer is the world's most f***able man. Oh, that's debatable?
Even in the early seasons where he is, he's bald the entire show, but in the first like two or three seasons, he keeps like a little tuft on his head. Like he's like if Al Falva got addicted to meth.
Yeah. We don't know that he didn't. Yeah. That's true. Yeah.
We still believe that he, first of all, who is a public radio host in Seattle that in 1993 when this show started airing was very into Kurt Cobain style grunge. Every woman in their 20s and 30s was like, you know what? I was really into Kurt Cobain, but now I see this arrogant bald man and I need to come right now. But the reason I think Frasier's Seattle is really the best place to go on vacation is in particular for people who struggle with mental illness because Frasier Crane is a radio psychologist and over the course of this series, he is able to solve even the most troubling situations in about three to four sentences, presumably curing them. That's how this Seattle works, right?
Like someone could call up and be like, hey, my veterinarian just came long and hard while she was euthanizing my beloved Bijon. Should I be concerned? And then Frasier will answer with something witty. You know, he'll be like, well, it looks like your dog and the veterinarian got a happy ending. And then...
I'm listening. The person, I'm listening. And then the person on the phone's like, I feel better, cool, thank you, and their problem is solved. Awesome. Thanks, Jamie. I want to cover a couple of things that you touched on.
Sure, sure, sure. Did you say that both Frasier and Niles stirred you sexually? In varying seasons, yes. Okay. Hey, they both slept with Lilith, so that's fine. That's true.
Don't bring that up. We don't talk about it.
That's a great episode. That's almost a farce, that episode.
I am deeply pro-Lilith. And pro-Ra's. Ra's, I think, is maybe the most sex-positive character of all time.
Frasier. She's amazing. Frasier. Everything's bad, Frasier. She's unbelievable.
But as a vacation destination, I feel like you've painted a picture of a wonderful place for sexually active agoraphobics. I mean, as an aspiring sexually active agoraphobic, because I am halfway there, I've got the latter half down, I think that that sounds wonderful.
If you were to vacation to Frasier, Seattle now, and you had a night out on the town with Niles or Frasier, who would you go out with on your vacation in Frasier, Seattle? Who would I go out with? Who would be your man for the night? Or a night in on the town? Yeah. I guess it would be a night in.
There's no such thing as a night out in Frasier, Seattle. You usually just go to Frasier's apartment.
Right. And pick your road. And make love to him. But if I had to pick one, even though they socialize a lot together, I don't know that I would have to choose if they were both appropriately horny. Appropriately. Appropriately horny after an opera we attend. I would go with Niles. I'd have to.
Okay. Yeah. All right.
Because Niles is Frasier f***s. Yeah. But Niles is like sensitive. I feel like Niles.
He makes love. All right, guys.
Give it up for Frasier, Seattle. Give it up for Zootopia. I think Frasier, Seattle stays.
Yeah. Yeah, obviously I'm going backstage. Thank you so much. Bye. All right.
Our next presenter is named Allison, is a comedian who has performed all over the place. The Purple Onion, Nerd Melt. Please give it up for the hilarious Allison Stevenson.
Hi. You guys, I'm going to talk about a fictional town called Stars Hollow from the show Gilmore Girls. Hello.
I created it myself. I really want to go to Stars Hollow because as a white Jewish woman, a female Jewish comedian who grew up in Los Angeles, I want to go somewhere where I'm considered exotic. You know what I mean? There's like a thousand of me here, multiple thousands. I want to go somewhere where I'm like, whoa, you know? I want to be fetishized for like a week, basically.
That Stars Hollow. And it is gorgeous. And yeah, sure, you can go and it's, you know, nice to look at.
But I'm going to tell you my real motivation why I want to go to Stars Hollow is I want to f**k and like this is a sexcation. You know what I'm saying? Like this is like, because I thought about it and there are a lot of really attractive, if you've watched the show, there's a lot of attractive single men in and around Stars Hollow and they're all falling in love with Lorelei and Rory constantly. And I used to think it was because they were interesting, but now I realize like, no, it's just literally they're the only two women in that town who are single and in that age group. I'm like right in the middle. I could take all of their leftovers, both sides and like these guys, even if they don't like me, they're just going to have to deal like I'm plan B and that's the only other plan there is. I want to go to a town where like I don't have to hear a guy go on and on about a screenplay he's been working on since 2011. And it's always every time it's almost always the plot of Memento every time. That's it. That's why I want to go to Stars Hollow.
The most attractive thing about it to me is that you can drink like 40 cups of coffee in a given 24 hour period and just like not get horrible diarrhea or like anything wrong. People just like constantly are drinking coffee. It's like they serve consequence free cocaine with breakfast every morning.
I hate Logan. I hate Dean.
Tell me. Right. Jess is. But I know that I was programmed to feel that way. Like I know that's what the show wants. Right. I don't want to not be that way, but I can do a gazebo and set it on fire.
Give it up for Frasier Seattle. Like Frasier Seattle stays.
Our next presenter went viral eating mushrooms and getting weird as the skateboard rabbi on the prices, right? Please give it up for Josh Androsky.
My friends, my fictional vacation destination is hell. You want to know why, how I know hell is fictional because it doesn't already have a thriving tourist industry.
The way I see it, it's a tiered system. The first tier is the voyeur package. You can look, but not touch. This would be the most popular tier because like seriously, how much would you pay to get to stand in a room full of gorgeous women who are totally ignoring Jim Morrison's freshman poetry instead of being stuck in an apartment in Seattle with a bunch of yuppies who have Asperger's.
I'm going to fist fight you.
Now that's what I call a vacation for the second tier. You get to spend your time as one of the devil's own minions and also probably dress like one of the actual minions because, A, cute, and B, lucrative corporate tie-ins are what sustain hell's economy during earth recessions. In the third tier, you get to strap into the Samsung VRZLbub and be the actual devil. You know, like fly him around like a drone pilot. In conclusion, my friends, I say that hell is the ultimate vacation destination because as the old cliche goes, it's a great place to visit, but you'd never want to live there.
Thank you very much. And the only thing I want to know is there shuttle service from your hotel room to the locations where you, is it like a Disney world? Oh yeah. But there, you know, you're just like on Margaret Thatcher's back, the shuttle services you take, what person who's been banished do you want to carry you around today? Scalia, get over here, dude, you just jump in his arms.
Oh, that's rich. That's rich.
Yeah. Oh, I like a good hell. I have a, I have a price point question. Absolutely. Is this shark tank by the way?
I'm the, what's the, who's the one with the big head Mark Cuban?
Give it up for hell. You guys give it up for Frasier Seattle think hell wins. Welcome hell.
And finally closing us out is a performer who's appeared on BBC's two and three channels, four and five. Please give it up for Eric Lampaire. Hi guys. I may have been born in the eight eight six, but most of my eighties experience was spent in the two thousands.
That's right. Best fiction, a holiday in my experience is GTA Vice City. You are now in the game. What will you do? We currently live in a society that enforces us with laws through social and governmental institutions to regulate how we behave. Oh, boring. That's right. So I say visit Vice City, steal a car, go very fast up a ramp, land on some pedestrians, do a machine gun drive by outside of the police station and then steal everybody's cash again.
And then you just, you just do that. You just keep doing that.
No problem. And the cops, yes, they will chase you and even get reinforcements from the FBI or even the army. But no matter the crime, you'll just be in jail for a few hours with a tiny bit less cash. And then if you need a bit more cash, just murder some more people, right? There's no consequences.
Guys, unlike stupid real life, you now have immortality. Death doesn't count in this game, so you can push yourself to the limit, limit, ah, right? You and your wife can go on a romantic getaway and have sex on the beach in front of everybody. And then you can strangle each other that little bit harder.
Just, ah, in Vice City, I can be omniscient. I can hop in a helicopter and just know how to ride one. I can be a musician without any prior talent by simply pressing a key on a synthesizer.
Whatever your heart's desire, apart from swimming, there is no swimming in Vice City.
All right. Yeah.
I couldn't help but feel like a little bit of the, uh, like a, like Westworld to this, right? Like, it's like Westworld without the worst part of Westworld, which is that it's the old West.
And not Miami.
Right. Yeah. The writer guy, the actor who played the writer guy. Yes. He was terrible. Yeah.
Well, you know, without any spoilers in Westworld, like the game, you know, the characters, if you were to go into Vice City, you wouldn't die. Oh yeah. You're saying it's impossible to die in Vice City, whereas theoretically you could just die as many times as you like. Well, in Westworld, it's still real life. You're just entering a simulation. |
TheOnion | Do_The_Buccaneers_Regret_Bringing_In_A_Sexual_Predator_To_Mentor_Jameis_Winston | Hey, we're talking NFL, where things are already starting to look bleak for Jamis Winston and the Tampa Bay Bucks. The 24-year-old quarterback is facing a three-game suspension for violating the league's conduct policy.
But maybe Tampa Bay deserves to share some of the blame here. When you look at some of the personnel moves they've made since drafting the QB, you gotta ask, do you think Tampa Bay regrets bringing in a sexual predator to mentor Jamis Winston? I know they wanted someone to help groom their young star, but look at this guy's resume. I don't think he's the type of serial molester you want influencing your locker room. I mean, we've seen situations like this go sideways before. Just ask the Cowboys if they regret bringing in a domestic abuser to help advise Ezekiel Elliott and his rookie season. And to bring this pervert in on such a big contract? When they could have used that money to shore up their secondary or get extra security for their cheerleading staff?
It just doesn't make sense.
Tampa Bay has to stop coddling Jamis Winston. He's not a rookie assailant anymore, okay? He's entering his fourth year in the league and it's sink or swim time. Take off the training wheels. At this point, either you have a franchise predator or you don't.
Alright, coming up after the break, more NFL. Are the Eagles putting too much pressure on Carson Wentz to come back and tear his ACL again? Drip, drip, my little sweat beads. Another college football season is kicking off.
I gotta say, I am personally shocked that Notre Dame still has not retired its mascot, which clearly trivializes the heartbreaking genocide of leprechauns. I mean, it's 2018. How is this still happening?
What leprechauns have been through, not just in Ireland, but worldwide, is one of the worst atrocities humankind has ever seen. For Notre Dame still to be using such a cruel, offensive mascot spits in the face of everything this group has been through. Does the university forget that leprechauns were hunted down for their pots of gold, kidnapped, and forced to grant their captors three wishes for the hope of freedom? Yet, here they are, depicted like some violent creature with their fists up in the air when all they've ever really done is defend themselves. It's disgusting, if you ask me. Leprechauns were nearly wiped off the planet by us, and the ones that are left live solitary lives in the woods.
Now we're mocking them? I don't think it's right. And what's worse?
They don't even respect this mascot enough to give him a name. It's just the Notre Dame Leprechaun. And let me ask you, do you think this student playing the leprechaun is actually a leprechaun? Of course not. It's some American kid.
I'll bet you some of his ancestors were responsible for the inhumanity. Makes me sick.
If you're going to have a leprechaun mascot, the least you can do is get a real leprechaun to portray it. Faithfully and respectfully. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_massages | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabers, here to give you all the crucial information you need to become a man. It's time you grew up, because you went through puberty 10 years ago. Today we're going to be talking about massages. Welcome to The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
Lexi. Favorite, favorite topic today, massages? I like massages, but they make me a little nervous. Why is that not so good? I just like to go around to the front, usually. Right. It's breastfed till I'm 16. I'm here with Megan Doolittle, founder of Jet Set Bodywork, and John Duffy, a licensed massage therapist here in New York City, and they're going to be giving us some tips and tricks on how to give a massage.
First of all, it's about her. All about you. Yes, and how she feels, how she's feeling, does it feel good?
So, warm up the hands. Okay. You want to be where your center is right where you're going to be working, so you want to come down a little bit. Lean in, lean in. Good. And once you're in there now, start giving a little movement here. You actually want to feel what muscles need it, what are tight. You don't really want to lose contact with the body, so circle back up. Always let them know you're there. I'm still here. And move down the arm.
Again, kneading it like dough. But how's that feeling? Wonderful. Always check in. I think I'll stay the night. Ooh. How's that feeling? I think so. Do you want to stay the night? Absolutely. I live here in the studio.
Move all her stress out the fingertips. Get rid of that. All that stress.
It's like a Indian burn. Uh-oh.
You're not secreting natural oils? Me? I am secreting big time. I've got to get a wardrobe person to get me a new pair of underwear.
And then give the hand a shake and see the difference. Oh, look at that. Yeah. Upgrade. Good. And give them a little... Yeah.
Have her arms on the side. Come down the shoulder. Speed down the arms. And gently ask her to pick her arms up. Interlock her fingers behind your neck. Oh, yeah. And go down to where the waist is. Behind.
And just do a little pizza kneading. Pizza dough kneading. Do a little pizza dough kneading back there. Mm-hmm. It's like the most Italian massage ever. Knead it like garlic bread, pizza dough. And then lean back and just give them a stir.
Oh, that's a good noise. That is always a good noise.
And then come up the arms and then just gently place them down. And by then they should be yours. Lexi, would that move work?
It kind of did. Kind of did. Kind of worked for me, too.
Okay, so how to have a clean happy ending. You want to bring the head. Just let him rest her head or his head right into your body or center. Find the middle of their eyebrows.
Just right there. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
And put a light pressure. Don't circle or anything on it. And then trace it.
It's weird rubbing Lexi's head and hearing John's deep voice saying it feels wonderful. I'm like, whoa.
And then let it go. And that's the big finisher. Well, you have them on your, yeah. Yeah, you say no more.
I see why that works. Thank you so much for coming out, guys, and show me some tricks. And now I need to go take another shower. I appreciate it. You know, I gave her three pretty good. It's actually not that hard, guys.
Just remember, it's always about the recipient. Never lose contact and listen for those who's and us.
Speaking of which, I think you returned the favor and my back's tightened up. Ooh. You've been watching The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_relaxation_therapy_saturday_night_live | What seems to be the problem? I just feel stressed out all the time. I don't know what to do.
Well, let's try something. shut your eyes. Okay. now take a deep breath. and imagine that you're in the middle of a big, peaceful meadow all alone. a warm breeze floats by, carrying the smell of fresh flowers. the sun caresses your face as you let go of all of your fears and worries. And also, I'm there. Wait, why are you there? just relax, William, Okay? it's all part of the process. stay with me, Okay? Okay. so you're in the field. you hear the sounds of some birds playing in the sunshine. you breathe in. and when you exhale, you feel all your troubles just melt away. And also, I'm there dressed as an ice cream man sliding a popsicle in and out of your mouth. wait, what is that?
Okay, all right. just. let's take a little slower, okay? And we're back in the fear. you're completely calm. you let go of all the tension in your neck. you lie back, and when you look up, there's a golf ball in your privates, and I'm there teeing off of the 5-wood. Okay, yeah, that's not cool.
Trust, William, Trust, okay? stay with me. and we're in the field. the cool breezes, state of relaxation. nothing around you for miles. it smells warm, like fresh bread, coming out of an oven. Yeah, and on top of that bread, we've got smoked ham, lettuce, tomato, a little bit of spicy mustard on the top, and then I guess a diet Dr. Pepper. Okay, we'll see in a little bit. And we're in the field. we're going to breeze, flowers, relax, deep breath, friendly rabbit, a little more popsicle.
Okay, what is going on? are you even a therapist? All right, William, I'm going to level with you. this is a new experimental method that I am developing. Okay. and if it doesn't help you, if it's a complete failure, then I'll wave my feet, Okay? fine. Good, okay. this time we'll take a slightly different approach. now you're in a perfect white space, and all of your stress just melts away. Okay, this is nice. an innocent girl approaches you and offers you a flower. you warmly accept it.
And then she kicks you in the crotch. And then I walk over and I kick you in the crotch.
That's it. you can open your eyes. huh. You know, I think that actually worked. I strangely feel better.
And that concludes phase one. No. let's begin phase two. |
SaturdayNightLive | a_christmas_epiphany_snl | Oh, come on now, Jimbo. I'm fine. Rich, you know I'm just looking out for you.
Now, come on, give me your car keys. you ain't driving home tonight. All right. it's a good night for a walk home, Anyhow. say, Rich, what are you doing out here drinking on Christmas Eve? ain't you got no family? family? Who needs family?
What about that girl, Denise, you've been going around with? Why aren't you with her? Call that whole thing off, Jimbo. you know me, the Lone Wolf. that's the way I like it.
I'm trying my best, Boss. I'm trying my best.
Family, Who would want to get tied down to something like that? Not me, I tell you. No siree. so much love. that's what I've been afraid of all these years. so beautiful. Stephen, there is a man staring at us through our window. yes, I seem to. just stay calm. act like he isn't there. he'll lose interest and he'll leave. I spent my whole life running. for what? just to be all alone on Christmas Eve? Leave it. Janine, relax. How can I relax when there is a pervert lurking in our window? he's trying to freak us out, Janine. that's what gets him off. don't give him the satisfaction.
I should have married Denise. I drove her away.
Look at you. you make me sick. you really not. like that? I think the man wants to kill me. Stephen, he is scaring our children. stop just sitting there and be a man. What do you want me to do, Janine? I want you to protect this family. go out there and make him leave, Dad. Please. I'm not going out there. Are you crazy? Just don't look at him. he'll leave. you are a coward. What have I done? wasted years at the office. working day in and day out. we're allowed to jump for it. fancy suits. no time. Are you happy now? he is exposing himself. Well, sorry. I don't want to get killed, Janine. you are pathetic.
And that is why I did what I did last summer. What happened last summer? your mother stepped outside of our marriage. What? give me another chance at life. let me start again and have a perfect family like this. Mom, how could you cheat on Dad? Because I haven't been attracted to him in years.
Come on, Rich. get a hold of yourself. you know, are you an angel? yeah. something like that. you've got to help me. I'm wasted. don't be too sure of that. Rich? Rich, is that you?
Denise. what are you doing here? Oh, I was just passing by. I've been thinking about you, Rich. Well, Denise, would you please take me back?
I'm ready to have a family now. Oh, Rich, of course I will.
Nice work, boss. nice work. I think he's leaving. Yeah, yeah. See? got rid of him. you don't have to worry anymore. you're safe now. Way to go, Dad. way to go, Dad. Wow. What a hero. Oh! |
dropout | who_s_five_foot_seven_live | Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of YouTube Mobile Live College Humor. We are going to play a game, a very interesting game, it's near and dear to our hearts. This is a, you might have heard or seen us play a game before called Who's 57. This is something that started just among the writers where we were just trying to think of famous people who are 57 years old. It sort of falls in like that weird zone that is not old enough to be cast as like old people, but not young enough to be, it's the no man's land. So this is a variation of that today. Today we're going to be playing Who's 5'7".
That's very funny. It was right there the whole time. That's very funny. It's hiding in plain sight.
So the rules are very simple, it's exactly the same as Who's 57, only instead of trying to name celebrities who are 57 years old, you'll be trying to name celebrities who are 5'7", points to get it right. So everybody knows, we all thought we were going to play Who's 57, I did not know about this to us. And you've been sitting here like racking your brain trying to think of 57 years old.
I had some lined up. Well you better start thinking of something else. Everyone think they get it? Sorry, I just yawned so hard trying to think of something. Yeah, I think I get it.
Someone who is 5'7". That's right. And just because I glossed it over playing today, we've got Zac O'Gowno, Jessica Ross and Grant O'Brien. Howdy. All right. Zac, you want to take our first guess here?
Who's 5'7"? I think he's actually shorter than this, but I think it could be listed as 5'7".
Tom Cruise. You're going with Tom Cruise. Why do you have such a weird encyclopedic knowledge of Tom Cruise? Because Tom Cruise is fucking awesome.
What are you talking about? You already believe that it's listed. You think you know the difference between what its height is listed as on the internet and what it actually is? No disses to Tom Cruise, but I think he's actually shorter than that because I feel like he's notoriously considered short, but I feel like actors all want to pretend that they're taller than they are. All right, well, that's what I'm thinking. Let's see.
Tom Cruise. How tall is Tom Cruise? 5'7"!
And Zac, just streaking ahead. That's unbelievable. With one flat on the money. I believe that. I can't believe you got that right away. I can.
Everyone's kind of always talking about his height and that feels like a short man height, right? A classic short man height. That is short for a man. 5'7". That is short for a man. 5'7".
It's just this. Everything looks short to you, right?
From way up there in the clouds. We like, you know, come up a lot like, wow, you're so tall. And they'll say like, I wish I was tall.
I'm kind of short. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know you. Everyone's vaguely shorter than me.
And yeah, and you're a stranger on the train. You're a stranger. Leave me alone. And you look weird from this angle. Way up here. I can see you're a stranger.
I'm a stranger.
I see where you're bald. Alright, Jess, how are you feeling? You've got to come back already. You've got some ideas so you could ... Yeah, I thought you were going to show us a picture and then we'd decide. It's harder when it's every single person alive. But you have way more options.
Yeah, that is true. I'm thinking you'd want to go with a woman, right? Because it feels more of a lady height. Okay. Yeah.
I'm going to say Natalie Portman is 5'7". that's a good I bet she's like five two oh you think shorter am I overdoing it uh I don't know I mean that's just I feel like she's very sure that would have been smarter to do someone who seems like now they put them on Apple Boxes all the time you can't use that as a metric at all who is the Apple Box taller than and then you know that it's the same height you don't know how big these apple boxes are they can just be like a mountain of our button sorry here we go Natalie Portman how tall is Natalie Portman I've been three Zack you're great at this got a pretty good game this is a weird this is a weird skill that you have yeah all right I'm not gonna give you a point but I'm gonna keep track that you are four inches off on this first one okay that's not writing at all Grant how you feeling I feel great I also really like both of the actors that have been named so far yeah not so much a helpful you shrink the worst you are just like brings you down good do you have a strategy here based on the knowledge that you're that you're now the two the two names that have been put forward I'll tell you what my strategy is I'm gonna name someone that I thought was 57 and I think they might also be five foot seven good idea what a joy a human can only have one year it's your golden night I think I think that both of those things are true of whoopi Goldberg the birthday that is my height I'm gonna run out of bars so if you guys could drop a little bit of cash on this you have to live to celebrate your height day I'd have to be 65 I don't plan to live I think you can do I live pretty hard it'll be your retirement party and your height day party it's that's great right if you live to 65 I'll come to your your height day birthday I appreciate it I'm gonna be a bad shape by the time I'll probably be dead let's be honest all right you're going for whoopi whoopins whoopi Goldberg that is how old is whoopi Goldberg 61 61 Wow I think I should get some points for being kind of close we'll see how we how we go at the end we'll do two more rounds of this sack you're you're holding on to the lead here okay grant I feel like was on to something with people that I think are 57 years old explain why because because it just made me think of a person that was like okay maybe okay Steve Bashemi and you're saying that you think that he's both around five around 57 years old and around five foot seven I actually I'm gonna I think Steve Bashemi is gonna be like 5-11 I bet I bet Steve Bashemi is regular regular that's regular yeah he's gonna be five nine right in the middle okay just like I am now I'm like I've lost all confidence you were the only one doing well John Goodman I guess I have no idea how to tell John Goodman is all right Steve Bashemi how tall is Steve Bashemi five nine yes you do not get any points even though you've had the more difficult game of guess exactly how tall Steve Bashemi is when we come back next time we'll play how tall is Steve Bashemi you'll be a the ringer but it is your turn to make your official guess I think Patrick Stewart is five seven really I think Patrick series like six one I think he's like six feet tall yeah I think he's gonna be like a you know what don't let us because I feel really bad if it turned out that we are all the other captain or the other leader you're talking about commander Riker no the ender Riker yeah number one price line oh Patrick Stewart Patrick Stewart all right I can't change it now five ten five ten all right three inches off but they kind of you know you went up this time so you're averaging okay okay all right Grant yeah I've had a lot to think about I have no I I'm basing off of that and I think I know I think I've got a pretty good guess I think it's I think Gates McFadden is five foot seven freaking nerd Gates McFadden played dr. Crusher on Star Trek TNG Grant with no time to call the next generation again I gotta get right good gates McFadden our producer trying to figure out a spell they had some steamy scenes where the two of them would be all you know they'd be close together Patrick Stewart and Gates McFadden commander oh no commander what am I doing captain Jean-Luc Picard here we go yeah there she is gates McFadden oh no of course you are still equally wrong though you're closer in height but you know you ingest your your your margin is shorter but you're both you're both like you know we're dancing around you're dancing around it yeah all right last round Zach you what what you think in here a brief digression while you think sure I love about this and the last one like we've I think we've gotten some weird insight into like the things grant finds it's like everything we're talking about it's all these fictional characters in the last video I was pretty excited to see like oh what if beast and that's hot yeah that's hot as a hell are you kidding me I have two pics in my head and I'm trying to decide between them well give the other idea away I think do I well I have another guess after this one is this the last round is the last round but okay I'm going to say someone else gets right we might have a tiebreaker she might be taller but because they were in the same yeah the idea of this game Emily blunt Emily blunt because they're both in that movie Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt we're both in the edge of tomorrow edge of tomorrow yeah all right I think she is taller she's probably taller yeah I think that I think it's probably an apple box situation I think we got a real apple box yeah they also are wearing robot suits so yeah but you know what that means yeah well I bet Emily Blunt's 5-7 I bet that's a good guess all right let's see Emily that's so weird this is the this is truly the only time in your life you'll be able to monetize this pretty good at guessing people's high two for three on that all right I'm gonna say Kate McKinnon is 5-7 that's a good guess yeah yeah all right it sounds right it just sounds right everyone we've named so far awesome there's not there's not a bad actor in the bunch that we're gonna take your word on Gates McFadden Gates McFadden is excellent all right all right Kate McKinnon then let's let's let's take a look here oh wait hold on great as Gates McFadden been in anything else yes yes Gates McFadden was in first contact so like okay very good game again with an excellent photo oh very specific weirdly specific compared to the other ones I don't know why they went for the half she's very much larger than life yeah she's larger she's larger than life all right well minus points for Zach anyone's game and Grant you you can't get the win here but you can take second place yeah I am gonna limit you to only Star Trek actors fine yeah great I could die but I bet I better could get there that's my second choice uh I will bet you that Jerry Ryan yeah played seven of nine on Star Trek Voyager is five foot seven I bet Jerry Ryan is five foot seven oh wait wait wait maybe I'm wrong about that because you she's a board here's a girl yeah um Jerry Gates classic girl name I'm gonna stick with I'm gonna stick with Jerry Ryan but I could be wrong she might be taller how do you spell Jerry j-e-r-i country I'm trying to I'm trying to think about a stick with that if there's another Star Trek actor that I personally closer well I think it's like is it locked I'm gonna lock you in all right Jerry Ryan every person I was gonna say was William Shat that's why I was trying to think Jerry Brian oh her five eight five eight another another five eight well you know what just to give give Zach a chance to really clinch it or give others a chance to catch up we're gonna do one real lightning round where you're each gonna get chance to name three three at once and do we have the capability for this we'll vamp we'll vamp in between we'll give you three actors three and it'll just it'll be like one bundle of three guesses okay great all right all right let's do it William Shatner Christian Slater Philip Seymour Hoffman you just named like those are giant the biggest actors in Hollywood. Is William Shatner tall? I'm really excited to be nice. They seem small. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Christian Slater strike me as kind of tall. I think Philip Seymour Hoffman is five ten because I used to have a crush on him and I was like Google information about him and I'm pretty sure I was like oh we're the same height oh yeah well I mean for some reason I thought he was smaller I'm fine with this I'm still in the lead maybe one's right maybe they're all wrong yeah we'll see if really the only way even if it matters even if you get them all wrong the only way you're gonna lose this position is somebody gets all three right the track record so far great so I'm sorry to our beleaguered producer here how are we doing on on these oh I'm getting a I'm getting a nod okay you you said Christian Slater and immediately back down from that well I said it you know yeah what made you think that it was that was there was our role you're thinking upwards like oh yeah he seems small in that I feel like in Robin Hood he seems shorter but I bet like Kevin Costner is like 6-2 or something that's why he seems so much smaller yeah Kevin Costner strapping when's the last time you watch Robin Hood I've never seen it really I've never seen Robin Hood isn't it supposed to be garbage I mean I saw it as a little kid and thought it was the coolest movie I saw a lot all right garbage when I was a little kid William Shatner 5-10 Christian Slater cool effect 5-9 consistent way off from where you're supposed to be well we'll see if it accuracy versus precision or something like that okay it's one of those things whatever you don't care Jess you got your three guesses yes I'm gonna say Amy Adams okay Viola Davis and Drake wait no he's probably talk breaks like six feet tall all right Amy Adams Bella Davis and Beck your final answers what was leading you down down this line of thinking when you said Emily Blunt I was like there's lots of ladies who look like her but maybe a little tinier let's go with one of those and Viola Davis well Emily Blunt was 5-7 so you chose someone tinier oh wait she was right oh no forgetting Viola Davis I feel like is right yeah that's based off of truly nothing again great list of like I'd go see that movie yeah only casting actors who are five feet seven inches tall it's gonna be a real super team yeah yeah it's just the movie edge of tomorrow think about how the name Viola Davis isn't is like really nice but Violin Davis would be a crazy name no I think honestly no okay that's very satisfying that's great all right grant as you can you can either you can get all three and win uh-huh you can get two in type of first or you can get one in type of second or continue your streak of tall Star Trek actors well Beck is interesting like Beck sends me down a path are all Scientologists it goes um uh how about Jerry Stiller sure Billy Joe Armstrong and George to Kay George to Kay all right Jerry Stiller uh-huh I'm not question you I'm just running through it just so same again Jerry Stiller Billy Joe Armstrong and George to Kay okay to Kay to Kay yeah Billy Joe might be maybe I've seen Green Day live twice Billy Joe Armstrong strikes me as three and a half feet bragging or confessing I fucking love Green Day I like the first CD I ever bought was Dookie yeah and then it was bad hair day we're not tell weird Alice yeah I've got weird I was like but like by the way weird out looks fucking phenomenal yeah looks great he's great live I love weird out live that might be one of my favorite like nights out is going to see weird out alive all right here we go Jerry Stiller five five you can't win now Billy Joe Armstrong five seven all right great he's be wrong please please comes down please be wrong please okay five every Star Trek actor every Star Trek actor I named is five eight that is bizarre all right well that's our game Zach you've got it with two Jessica and Grant coming at the very end with their triple guesses each with one what's the the next person to name something name a name Green Day is amazing amazing all right you all lost your chance to win anything that's a good guess whoever said that if you're right you'll tie with Jessica and Grant but until then this has been it's been YouTube mobile live we'll what we got it no we don't got it he's five seven been still was five seven congratulations I'm still beating you that still wins this is the end everyone have a nice day |
dropout | streeter_goes_to_whistler_bc_to_find_beautiful_women_oh_and_golfers_too_sponsored | Well, hello and welcome to the Coors Light Golf Experience. We're here in Whistler, British Columbia, and that's in Canada, but you're probably in Canada watching this, right? So you already knew that. For our American viewers, Canada is the country above you where your grandparents go to get their free medicine. You know, we just got here. I can already tell I'm going to like this place. Free golf clubs. That's a Canadian spirit, you know? That Canadian generosity. You can just come up, take a ten- Oh! Here we are taking a walk through beautiful Whistler, British Columbia, and actually not a lot of people know this.
It's actually a model village, kind of like one of those colonial recreation villages, and it shows how people would live if everyone were really, really rich. Like an alternate reality where everyone has a ton of money and free time, and they don't eat at any chain restaurants.
This is really upsetting. I'm seeing like dirt and like some little pieces of gum and stuff. It's just really filthy. Is anyone going to do anything about this? There's some dirt over here.
That's when people stop caring, you know? You know, this town's known for being very wealthy, but there are actually a lot of lower-class poor citizens here, and that's evidenced by all these bicycles. These people can't afford to buy cars. They have to buy these kind of primitive transportation devices. So, you know, don't overlook it. There are poor people here, and they lock them up. Like anyone's going to steal that.
Hello? There's cars around. Here's exactly what you think of when you think Whistler Mountain, British Columbia. Sun, sand, and surf. And then, of course, that more accurate, wolves and some sort of weird psychedelic purple sun. I think we've all seen the purple sun here.
Taking a walk across the Chateau's parking lot here to take a look at a very historic artifact, if you will. It's a bit of an icon to the natives of British Columbia. You see these rock sculptures right here. They are very, very old, over 10 years old. They were made by natives of British Columbia, and their significance has not yet been... Oh, there's a plaque. You know what? There's a plaque on one. I think the hotel designer just put these here.
I think that's what happened. My God, this is such a special treat, you guys. I'm so excited.
The winner of the fuggliest car in Canada is here. Take a look right there. One for its zebra stripes, and it's a lack of any rims or hubcaps.
Here we have some incredible sculptures here, meant to trick gullible tourists. Americans come here, the fools, and try to pick these up. And all the Canadians laugh. I know you all have so much fun at our expense.
You don't think we know that? We know, okay? |
dropout | what_if_bears_killed_one_in_five_people | That's as good as it gets. Oh man, I've never had more fun my whole life. Daddy's out of beer. I'm going to go to another one.
Is your card? No. Lamorne, stop doing magic. You're not good at it.
Guys? Oh, dude. There's a bear in your other room here. What?
Oh, that's just a big, angry, hungry bear. Just pretend it's a bear.
Oh, really? It'll just go away? What are you talking about? No, I don't think it's going anywhere, but I don't know what to do about it, so I just ignore it.
So it's like it's not dangerous, right? Defined dangerous. It's a bear. But, you know, it's not going to eat all of us.
It only eats like one in fives. Oh! One in five? I said only one in five.
Sorry, we're fine. There's a lot, man. That means one of us is going to be eaten. A statistic.
I'm going to be eaten.
I said only one in five. Sorry, we're fine. There's a lot, man. That means one of us is going to be eaten. A statistic. That doesn't mean one of us. It means one in five people getting eaten.
Why are you doing something about this, man? Hey, what do you want me to do about it?
You guys know the old saying. Bears will be bears. That's not a saying. But more. A bear will be a bear, so. You can't just blame the bear now when it's attacking 20% of the people who come here.
20%? I said one in five. Yes. That's 20%.
That's not a saying.
20%. I said one in five. Yes. That's 20%. And no it isn't. It's one in five, you math nerd.
Let's pile on this guy. Dude, you've got to get rid of this thing. Or at least warn us that there is a bear in the other room, man. We've got to look out for each other. What are you doing? Hey, what happens between you guys and the bear is none of my business. Hey, how is this none of your business, man? One in five people are going to get attacked by this bear. Oh my god, you're overreacting.
The bear is not going to eat all of us. There will be less than a quarter of us. None of us should die. It affects us all, Jake.
One in five. How can your door sound so important? I can protect your friends. One in five, one in five. The majority is five.
I don't want to deal with this problem. |
cracked | if_you_could_have_dinner_and_sex_with_any_famous_figure_after_hours | Really? Zoran, what do you got a book of cocktail party icebreakers under the table? We don't have to talk about it. No, let's! Right after we discuss everyone's favorite colors. Boo! Third insult. Okay fine, what do you guys want to talk about?
The Tina Superwoman. Bad man, no. The accident of Star Wars. We did Star Wars, we did. That's what I thought.
If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be? Teddy Roosevelt. I would take him to a TGI Friday's, and I'd ask him which of the old timey knickknacks on the walls he's used as murder weapons.
Classic first date blunder. I mean, you're over-preparing for the conversation. It would obviously veer off course, and then you'd get flustered. Yeah, soon you're explaining why buffalo wings aren't really the wings of tiny flying buffalo, and then he's gonna ask what happened to the real buffalo.
Oh, I think he can handle that. He was a hunter.
Then you go to pay, and he sees his face on the money and freaks out. Well, I can't put Teddy Roosevelt's face on money. It'd be too intimidating to spend it. Someone's face is on something.
Lincoln. He died unexpectedly, so he's probably got a lot of stuff left to say. Oh, let's role play. I never had Lincoln. Why are you talking like Jiminy Glick? Lincoln's voice was really high-pitched, often compared to a tea kettle. Of course that's what you remember about him. First of all, Mr. Lincoln.
Big fan. How did the play I was watching end?
Did my American cousin ever show her tits? That would not be his first question. Did my wife ever remarry? If not, how is old Martha Jones?
Okay, this doesn't prove anything. Hold on, that's a legitimate question. Why wouldn't Abraham Lincoln want to know if the love of his life went on to feel the touch of another man? Sssss... boner. I don't want to know that. Okay, I'll Google it.
She didn't remarry. She went crazy. Oh, oh no. Crazy rich and immortal.
Oh, hold on. So you just brought Lincoln back from the dead to lie to him? I was underprepared. I'd study up. Yeah, you would study up on the stuff that you want to talk about, but there's no guarantee what they're going to say. The people that you know from history books or, as the case may be, hysteria reruns, they don't exist. So you're either learning the sad, disappointing truth... I afraid the slaves as a goof. Or they try to pretend to be the person that you think they are and you learn nothing. I wear this hat and neck beard to hide the fact that I am secretly Frankenstein. Okay, I feel like maybe you're abusing the power that I gave you earlier. Wait, wait, wait.
What if you do bring someone back from the past just to lie to them, but it's someone you hate? If you could screw with any historical figure, who would it be? You don't even need to lie in some cases. Imagine how blown Hitler's mind would be by like... like anything. Like just not Nazis everywhere.
Columbus. Columbus barges into America, calls everybody Indians, steals all their gold, murders like a bunch of them, and yet we still celebrate him as a national hero centuries later. We could build him up and then knock him down. Ooh, take him to a fancy New York restaurant overlooking Columbus Circle. During Columbus Day forever.
And right when he's at peak self-esteem, you... Show him modern day's fame. Take him to an Indian reservation. Or even rape him!
What? What, peppers gets the look? Fine.
The only reason we call them peppers is because Columbus thought they tasted like black pepper. They're completely unrelated plants.
I was going to do an Indian reservation then. She took mine.
Okay, well, Dan's and Michael's are comically bad. He's feeding somebody peppers or... Michael's are really the only things you can do in the time frame of a single dinner.
No way! Mine would take days. Even if you used your dinner to try and teach someone a lesson, the Encino Man Principle clearly states... Wait, is this going to be anything like your biodome theorem? Clearly states that the best question is... If you could be roommates with any historical figure, who would it be? An Encino man, when they first unfreeze the caveman, he just sits around poking stuff. Any dinner with someone from the past is just going to be that for two hours. Blast it!
What are these infernal sun orbs and so forth? So they're just time-traveling exchange students then.
Yeah, exactly. And you're like the host. So you get to take credit for everything awesome by proxy. Plus, you get to know the real person. No one can be fake for a whole year in a studio apartment. It is certainly more sound than your son-in-law model of human sexuality. I'll give you that. It really means you have to have complete faith in whoever you choose.
Or think it would be fun to party or hook up with. I'm raining on you, you f***ing s***! What? If you could have filthy sex with any historical figure, who would it be?
No, not you. Not you. This is important.
We've got Marilyn Monroe, Cleopatra, and maybe Susan B. Anthony? No, definitely Susan B. Anthony. Yeah, and you've got every great historical figure who's ever lived.
You could spend your year seducing the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Young Frank Sinatra, Shay Guevara. God, how cliche. Malcolm X. Michael clearly has some weird civil rights thing going on, but you said cliche, which implies that there's a better answer.
There is... Bone Jammin' Franklin. Benjamin Franklin. So no one's going to accuse Dan of having an old fat inventor thing? Ben Franklin was notoriously charming, a stone called Pimp.
The only thing he loved more than the ladies was lying his ass off. He totally made up the kite thing. He made up all the awesome stories about himself, except the ones about origin.
He'd be like the king of the internet. And I, his queen, is what Katie should say.
Come on. No, she's being quick. Suck on both! God, are you playing a five-year-old? She's 12.
You winning at least? You don't win. It's not that kind of a game.
You just put words down. Really? Because it looks like... Shut up, Michael! I swear to God, if I... Yeah? God, yeah, I'm a god... You're writing words non-competitively? That's just, like, talking. I'm the point of the evening if you can't win. Building my vocabulary. That's a life win, isn't it? |
dropout | teen_slang_updated_for_adults | Hello, everyone, and welcome to Adult Slang 101, where we'll be teaching you how to update cool teen slang for your totally uncool adult life. Let's begin.
Throwing shade. Meaning, to talk trash. Disrespect. You stupid asshole! Hey! Unfortunately, grown-ups don't have the luxury to be so confrontational. You could be fired, divorced, or sued for throwing shade. That's why we lob shade, the act of passive-aggressively throwing shade. My boss asked me to work this weekend, so I lobbed shade at him by not asking how his day was in the elevator.
Let's move on. Turnt means fucked up, crunk. Me and the squad got a 30 and about to get turnt. Now adults can't get turnt. They have work tomorrow. They get you turnt. Or turnt, but not so turnt that they get a hangover. Me and the squad about to get you turnt at this artisanal wine tasting. Everybody pace yourselves. We have an all-hands meeting tomorrow.
Next, on fleek means on point. Eyebrows on fleek. Unfortunately, between the natural process of aging and your jaded adult brain, you are never fully satisfied with how you look. And thus, are never on fleek. You are on flat. Or good enough, I guess. Functional winter coat on flat.
Thirsty means horny, and I know what you're thinking. Adults get horny too.
They do, but there's an underlying sadness to it. They're not thirsty. They're dehydrated.
A 20-year-old woman might say, His six-pack abs got your girl thirsty. Whereas a 30-year-old woman might say, His stable job got your girl dehydrated.
I'm not really attracted to Paul, but maybe something will click eventually. Suf stands for swear on our friendship, but you don't have friends anymore.
They all got married. They had babies. They moved away.
The closest thing you have to a friend is that one guy from work that you get along with. So you must swear on that guy from work who you want to ask to hang out, but are afraid he'll think you're interested in him sexually.
Hangry is a combination of hungry and angry, but that doesn't properly describe you. Years of battling your slowing metabolism have forced you on a never-ending diet that leaves you starving. And you're so emotionally exhausted that you're not so much angry as you are depressed. You are starved pressed. I've been on a juice cleanse for 10 days and feeling pretty starved pressed about the fact that I haven't lost any weight. I'd give in and eat a pizza, but I know that would make me feel like shit too. I give up.
Wow. That's, um, super tragic.
Well, join us next time in Adult Slime 101 where I'll be teaching you how to say yeet so much that teens stop saying it. Yeet.
For a green screen. Pfft. I'm not mad. |
cracked | what_orange_is_the_new_black_got_wrong_about_women_s_prison_from_a_former_prisoner | Here at Cracked, we like to disabuse you of all the misconceptions Hollywood has put into your pretty little head. One glaring lie?
Prison sex. Warm flesh and blood behind cold iron bars.
Oh, it happens. But it's much less glamorous, and much more on the go, than pop culture would have you believe. So if two girls decide, hey, let's go have some fun, they just go to the pavilion bathroom, which is very much like an outhouse.
That's Nancy. She spent 18 months in a minimum security prison after helping her boyfriend steal drugs. But she's out now, and she's sharing her hard-won knowledge with Cracked.
Starting with... What they usually do is, okay, one goes in, hangs out for a little bit. Their friends are sitting there playing cards, so their friends are watching out for them. The other one will go in. They're not getting totally naked. Generally, the way they do it is, one will stand on the toilet seat while the other one pulls your pants down, and there you go, you're having some fun.
The guards are well aware of all the raw, unwrapped prison poundings. That's the reason for a particularly humiliating procedure. As part of their intake, prisoners are subjected to a battery of STD tests. The ones who don't pass that entrance exam with flying colors are housed separately from uninfected inmates. It should be noted that this strategy was found to be seriously ineffective. But prisoners, by and large, are still not given access to condoms or other safe-sex supplies for fear that it will condone sexual activity. Hey, you know what else might be seen to condone sexual activity? Guards actually f***ing the prisoners, but that happens. And internet, before you start porning, you should know 70% of women's prison guards are men. The kind of men who become prison guards. When I first got there, there was the inmate in the guard.
It wasn't like she was going by his office and sliding a note under the door. They were sending it through the legitimate mail service.
The guard would be like, okay, we gotta go do some heating and air conditioning work today. So let's go down to the boiler room. And then, you know, they're having fun in the boiler room.
I think what some people don't realize is if a guard has sex with an inmate no matter where and you get charged for it, you will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. The fact that one party in the prisoner guard love equation has access to weaponry should highlight the fundamental power imbalance here. And yes, it can be very dangerous to friend zone a prison guard. We had a new female guard come in. She would make my roommate that had the fascination with another guard. That same inmate became the target of this guard's attention. The guard would just give her a hard time about every little thing. She would have visitors every weekend. After visitation, that guard always made sure she could take her in and do a strip search.
It was more of just her, I need you to pull your butt cheeks a little farther, or you need to cough a little harder. My roommate was putting in complaints, but it was like she blows everything out of proportion. Don't worry about it. It kind of covered the guard's ass.
Contraband tampons are a thing in lady prison. It turns out feminine hygiene products in general are locked up tighter than the prisoners themselves.
Oh God, that absolutely is not meant as double entendre. Jesus. Somebody roll the next title before I get fucked.
To shave your legs in your prison, you don't get your own razors. You have to go to a guard and say, hey, I need a razor, I want a shave. They would give you a razor, and you better not be in there longer than 15 minutes. They don't stand there and time you, but at the same time they know you're in there, they know how long it should take. Once you're done shaving your legs, you give the razor to the guard and then the guard throws them away. It was a safety thing. You don't want them breaking the razors and melting them into a plastic handle and using them as shanks.
And as for feminine hygiene products, which are ubiquitous, in the Orange is the New Black universe, well, they're not actually that available. You know, you can smuggle stuff in using a tampon or a maxi pad. So you're only issued what you needed. So you're not going to be able to stash away a bunch of tampons or pads because, you know, they do locker checks to make sure you're not hoarding things like that. The strict focus on tampon security seems all the more baffling since, arguably, filling vaginas would actually cut down massively on the prison's smuggling problem. One of the most popular ways to smuggle in goods is shooting it up your vagina. There was one inmate and I noticed she had a tongue ring and she's like, oh yeah, I forgot about that.
And I'm like, well, how'd you get it in there? And she's like, well, I just stuck it up, brought it in that way. So you bury it up enough in there deep enough and you cough. It's not coming out. That's good fun. Who doesn't love a good smuggling stuff in an orifice story?
Now let's confront the stark realities of race in American prisons. Racial tensions, they do exist. I mean, there is intermingling, of course, they don't totally segregate. You can't talk to her because she's white or anything like that. Blacks are treated significantly worse.
They get harsher sentences. They get longer sentences. A white inmate, such as myself, I was in trouble for conspiracy to distribute crack. My sentence was originally three years, 10 months. I flipped and got it reduced.
But you could see a black inmate there, same situation, same circumstances, but she'll have more time. A black girl will get with a white girl because the white girl has something to offer. She's got commissary. She's getting money so gal can mooch off her for her money. A white gal would get with a black girl, usually for almost like bragging rights, you know. Oh, she's with that black chick and that black chick's cool, so she's cool.
So it's more of kind of like a protection thing. Nobody gets together because they like each other. It's always a motive. Okay, so prisoners have to deal with heightened racial tensions.
They get their tampons from a cop and they smuggle things in their vaginas. At least they've got sweet, free government health care. A year in prison might actually be pretty cost effective if you're already sick or pregnant. When it comes to a woman's health and gynecology and all that good stuff, you get your first exam when you come in and then you're lucky to get one every year. They could care less if you have a yeast infection. You basically go to sick call, hey, I think I got a yeast infection. All right. So they'll do a quick exam, but you would have to go to sick call to get that every day.
Forever how long the directions say? Three days? Well, three days.
If you still got a yeast infection, well, then they're getting pissed. Well, she's just trying to get out of doing work or she's just making it up for attention, that kind of thing. They don't care.
Around five percent of women who enter prison do so pregnant. And yes, pregnant prisoners are on their own, too. Some of them give birth there. I remember a pregnant inmate. She cried wolf a lot, but she started spotting really heavily.
And so they're like, oh, you're fine. Just go on bed rest. Don't do anything. And she ended up going into labor early and having some complications as a result of not getting care when she needed it. That's actually not even the worst case scenario.
In 33 states, you could be forced to give birth in shackles. But hey, these women are prisoners. They may face terrible treatment, but statistically, most of them committed the horrific crimes of, well, drug possession, like our source or self-defense, like Marissa Alexander. She got 20 years for firing a warning shot at her abusive husband.
Score one more for Lady Justice. Hey, The Cracked podcast is coming to you live June 10th at Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre Sunset. We're going to have Tom Ryman, Daniel O'Brien, comedian Jamie Loftus, and writer Dave Schilling talking about why all movies were insane behind the scenes. Every single one of them. Go to UCB Sunset's website for tickets, and go have a great day too, man. |
dropout | siri_argument | We have a flat tire. How do I tie a bow tie again? What's the fastest way to Hartford Hospital?
Tell my wife I'm gonna be 30 minutes late. Tell my husband I'm not surprised. Tell my wife if she has a problem with my work schedule, she's more than welcome to get a job of her own. Tell my husband that I do just as much work as he does. Tell my wife that if watching Alan is a job, she should get a promotion. Message from your husband. I appreciate you. Bullshit, what did he actually say? Please don't drag me into this. Siri, call my husband. Siri, ignore the call for my bitch wife. Tell my husband that he said he'd respect my choice to stay at home with our child. Tell my wife I would, but she can't even get around to washing his overalls.
Did you want me to search for flower shops nearby? Tell my husband that at least when I sit on the washing machine, I come. Send my wife this picture and ask her if the washing machine is... The only thing you've been sitting on lately. Oh dear.
Ask my husband what he means by that. Tell my wife I think she knows. Hey look, I googled anger management techniques. Tell my husband to think very carefully before he says whatever he's about to say. Ask my wife if she's fucking Jim McPherson. Tell my husband how dare he. Tell my wife that's not an answer. Is this my fault? Tell my husband that I will not answer that. Ask my wife if she's fucking Jim McPherson. Searching for a place to hide. Tell my husband he wishes it was just Jim McPherson.
I don't want to. Tell him. Please don't make me. Don't do it. Send my wife directions to hell.
Say goodbye to the most amazing iPhone yet. |
dropout | if_google_was_a_guy_part_5 | Oh, God. Hey, let's go. Let's do this.
Not again. Can you keep a duck? What are the newest shapes? What are you going to do with this information? Is Superman circumcised? Are dentists more afraid of him? No. In fact, this one killed a lion. Hot hands and feet.
Is this salt or sugar? Is what? Salt or sugar.
Upload these photos of my nephew? You know, you might consider uploading these to Google+. It's a lot like Facebook meets Google. It's really starting to take off. Oh, great, great. I'll check it out. Can kangaroo be milk? Is it your or your? In what context? Not only is it awesome, but it's also free for you and for all your friends. I just want to watch Minecraft videos. Who else is British? Sensitive tongue?
Climate change is not real. Climate change is real. Climate change is not real.
Thank you. Get out of here. Anna Kendrick boyfriend? You really think you have a chance? Sweating behind the ears? If you're worried, go see a doctor. Is left shark still funny? Is the internet working? I want you to think about this for a second. Do a barrel roll.
No, don't type that. No, no, why don't you type that? Grab onto something. No!
Or don't click at all. I don't give a fuck. I do. I give many fucks. Please click. |
SaturdayNightLive | shane_gillis_stand_up_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis! thank you. thank you very much. Uh, it's, uh, yeah, I'm here. I, uh. most of you probably have no idea who I am. uh, I was actually. I was fired from this show, uh, a while ago, but if, you know, don't look that up, please. if you don't know who I am, please don't google that. it's fine. don't even worry about it. I, uh, I don't know. this is. I probably shouldn't be up here, honestly. I should be home. I should be.
I should be a high school football coach. That's what I should be. like, God molded me perfectly to be a high school football coach slash 9th grade sex education teacher. But that is. that is what I want to be. that is, you know, I can feel it. it's in the. it's, like, my true calling. and you feel. you know, I can feel it. You know, I'm getting older. it's passing me by. you know, like, my biological clock is ticking on this stream. You know how, like, uh. you know, like, when a woman's biological clock is ticking, she sees, like, a baby in a stroller and is like, oh, my god, your baby. like, that's how I am if I see, like, a big 15-year-old. I'm like, oh, my god, look at the size of that kid. with the right coaching, that kid could be something special on pony right now. I actually.
I come from a long line of coaches in my family. my father is actually a volunteer assistant girls' high school basketball coach. he's actually here right now. You get him on there? Yeah. there's my dad, the volunteer assistant girls' high school basketball coach.
I thought it was funny. All right. you don't think that's funny, to bring my dad here to make fun of him for being a girls' high school basketball coach? All right. I thought it was great. never mind. thought that was gonna be a big hit here. uh.
Now, my mom's up there with him. my mom. I'm not gonna make funny. my mom asked me this a lot, and it's kind of an intense question. my mom asked me, and she's like, when did we stop being best friends? And she's right. we used to be best friends. You remember that when you were a little boy and you, like, you loved your mom and you thought she was the Co. You remember when you were gay? you remember when you were just a gay little boy? every little boy is just their mom's gay best friend. there's literally zero difference. I was gay for my mom. she would pick me up from school.
I'd hop in the van. I'd be like, girl, tell me about your day. I thought she was cool. I would listen to her music. I'd be like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. let's go, girls. I would dance for her. she'd be like, look at my little dancer.
But my mom asked me when we stopped being best friends, and I don't have the heart to tell her, because, like most men, I know exactly when me and my mom stopped being friends. it was the first time I whacked off. Because before that, you're like, aw, where's my mom? I love my mom. she's so cool. one nut. you're like, when's that bitch gonna leave the house?
I have so much business to attend to. All right. I hope I could say those words on Tv. Anyway, my whole family's here, so I'll talk about them instead of anything else. I'll talk about my family. I'll tell you this.
I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but I do have family members with down syndrome. it almost got me. I dodged it, but it nicked me. it nicked me. it's funny. Look, I don't have any material that can be on Tv, all right? I'm trying my best. Also, this place is extremely well lit. I can see everyone not enjoying it. just the most nervous I've ever been. Don't clap Now. shut up.
I brought up down syndrome. you can always tell who's never been around down syndrome when you bring it up. if I tell people, if I'm like, family members with down syndrome, people that have never been around it are always like, oh. like, it's the end of the world. like, oh, are they okay? are they doing. it's like, they're doing better than everybody I know. they're the only ones having a good time, pretty consistently. they're not worried about the election. they're having a good time. My niece. my niece has down syndrome, and I thought that was gonna get a bigger laugh. I thought we were not that fun here. But no, my niece has down syndrome. it's a funny thing that happens when someone in your family has down syndrome. it goes, when my sister was pregnant, everybody was, like, very, very scared. and then once they come into your life, you realize that's easily the only good member of your entire family. it's crazy. And then your family gets, like, too proud. like, now every single day in my family's group text, it's just pictures of my niece. And every day, somebody else in my family comments, she looks exactly like Uncle Shane. And I'd be like, yeah, I see it a little. and there's no denying it. she does. she looks like me with bangs. just happy, just. But my sister. my sister, my niece's mother, She didn't know she could get pregnant, so she foster cared and then adopted three black kids, and then she finally got pregnant, and now she has a kid with down syndrome. and her husband is from Egypt. he's an Arab guy. you go over to their house, it's like getting in the craziest uber pool you've ever been. it's crazy. like, how did you guys meet? this is. But there's something. I don't know. my niece, one day. I'm not saying it's, like, something I'm looking forward to, but I think it'll be a nice thing for the whole country. I would say my niece is probably in, like, 5th, 6th grade out at recess, and some white kids out there, like, hey, you're not allowed to play with us, you're retarded. and then three black kids come flying out of nowhere and start wailing on that cracker. everyone's gonna be like, oh! it's like a nice moment. yeah, you guys. you said cracker. No, we. my family and I, we actually. we opened a coffee shop in my hometown for people with down syndrome to work at, and it's going, don't clap. I didn't do it for the claps.
I did it, you know. it's going exactly how you'd think it would go. it's doing well, actually. lying around the corner every day. not because there's, like, a ton of people going, but service is. everyone's getting apple juice. we don't know how to fix that problem. there's one thing you know. there's one thing you notice, though, when you work with these guys, and it's very. it's funny. there's literally. there's zero difference between us and them, and especially at work, there's no difference. every day these dudes show up to work, just. and you're like, what's your problem? they're like, i hate this job, so. All right, hey, we've got a great show for you tonight. 21 Savage is here, so stick around. we'll be right back. Thank you. |
ClickHole | this_woman_wrote_an_amazing_letter_to_her_younger_self | Dear 15-year-old me, I know life's been confusing for you lately, so I thought I'd drop you a line. It's a big and scary world out there, but you're going to learn that if you just go with your gut, everything's going to be OK. When it comes to matters of the heart, steer clear of the bad boys. They'll only hurt you. Try dating babies instead. They're kind, portable, and they're physically incapable of leaving you. There are so many exciting things you're about to learn about life, like that just because Big Ben has a person's name doesn't mean you can write letters to him like he's a person, and that the piano in the mall that the ghosts play is actually called a player piano. In the next few years, you will meet so many new people, some who will become lifelong friends, and some who will be your servers at restaurants. Don't be afraid to cut ties with the servers, because they're just serving you food for a finite window of time and will not be there for you in your darkest hours. Realize that these relationships are grounded exclusively in commerce.
Be aware that in September 2012, Islamic militants will storm the American diplomatic compound in Benghazi and kill US Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens. There's nothing you can do to stop this, but please be emotionally prepared.
Ultimately, just be true to yourself and never be ashamed of who you are. Even when your bottom lip inexplicably grows so huge that strangers often mistake it for a bench, just roll with it, girl. One day, a lonely Chinese businessman will see your lip and offer you $100,000 to use it as a pillow for just one night, and it'll put you through college. Hang in there. Life is never going to be easy, but if you work hard and shoplift constantly and exclusively date babies, I promise everything will be okay. Just do yourself a favor and think twice before you get a tattoo. Trust me on this one. And most importantly, always, always, always remember the things that matter most in life.
Oh, and one more thing, Ninja Turtles, they're not real. It's just men in rubber costumes, so you don't have to carry a gun anymore. Love from the future, Hailey. |
dropout | Moose_Running_Loose_Through_the_Mall_of_America | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the only show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm baby ducklings that think their mom is a cat. And I'm the aforementioned cat. Just kidding. I'm on Jane Simpson.
Firefighters were called to a vest of a hill's home when, okay, you know. Firefighters were called to a vest of a hill's home when a local man was stuck in a chimney at a family Christmas stunt going wrong. The man apparently got halfway down the chimney of the shitty little house, then remembered that he didn't celebrate Christmas and that scared him for some reason. The firefighters on the scene had to use the jaws of life to absolutely rip that chimney another asshole and an awesome display of firefighter versus chimney.
Awesome indeed, baby ducklings. I can show people a picture later if you give me three days to pull it up on my old ass phone. Oh, I'd love to see that, OJ.
If anyone can hear me, I think I'm running out of air. Up next, raisins. Are there really anything? A new report shows that eating just three raisins a day are enough to make you gross to be around.
Gross like a greasy teenage cousin that only ever wears the same two threadbare Hot Topic t-shirts. And it's not like he's poor. You're positive he's got other clothes. I guess he's just Tyler being Tyler.
In movie news, a sequel to Saving Private Ryan has finally been greenlit. Losing granddaddy Private Ryan will follow Ryan's bad grandchildren as they find out what to do when grandpa goes bye-bye. That's right, their paw-paw has ski-daddled and it's up to them to make a new grandpa out of materials lying around the house. The three grandchildren have one hour each to make the best fake grandpa, after which they face the judges, Tom, Cleo, and Padma Lakshmi, who will decide which new grandpa they should bring to life with their magic, powerful judge magic.
I guess when I said movie news, I lied. This is a reality show on Food Network.
Can I say, mess with the cauldron, you're gonna get the juice. A searing pain just shot through my dick. You're gonna get that checked out juice? Get what checked? My oil? Oil of oregano.
No, no, no. Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin reportedly tied the knot this weekend in a small ceremony on Gullah Gullah Island. Justin, dying to be a Cub Scout, had just been working out the... Oh God. Justin, dying to be a Cub Scout, had been working on his knot tying badge for weeks and finally got Hailey to help him cheat on the test just before breaking up with her and buying some fresh crocs. Shut up, you idiots.
We have some breaking news. There's been reports of a moose running through the Mall of America. We go live to Deuce Bigelow, Irish seamstress on the scene. Thanks, O'Jane. I'm here live at the Mall of America where the moose is indeed loose. Local authorities must deduce the correct method to boost this loose moose from the mall's very own train caboose.
Deuce, have they tried yelling at the moose? Yelling loud things like, get out of here, moose. Or if you don't leave, I'm gonna call the moose cops. Or maybe something like, you're just a tall deer and everybody knows that. You have to leave. How about yelling, moose, you canceled. They've indeed tried yelling all those things. They've also tried calling it an Uber and turning all the open signs to closed.
But this moose is once more goose. I've decided my name is not Mr. Moosey Cauldron. No wait. Moose-velanche. Wait. Benedodo Camarbanzo. Hey, I'm Rachel now. Oh, this just in. They've lost the moose in Build-A-Bear and are just gonna call it a day. That's probably good enough.
As we wrap up our newscast, O'Jane has something he wants to share. That's right, Baby Ducklings. Tonight is my final newscast as co-anchor, co-lead anchor. As I step down from this post, I can't help but remember all the amazing news we've broken and the journalism we've journaled. I speak for everyone when I say, trees?
Well, are you sure we can't get you to stay? You've convinced me, I'll say.
My real phone number is... It's my real phone number.
Wonderful. Well, that's all the time we have. This week's loser is of course me. Of course.
Goodnight to all our viewers. Goodnight and good Baby Ducklings.
Whoo! I'm gonna call you now. Yep. I'm gonna call you, our executive producer. I'm awaiting that call. All right. Amongst others. |
dropout | reality_show_audition_prank | What's your name? Reggie. Yeah, ready to meet you. Oh, hi The show is called strong island. It's a reality show for a major network and Basically, we get a bunch of strong guys and we put them out in the middle of the ocean and see what happens If we have a doctor on the show That that can tell you what what types of foods to eat what types of vitamins or energy supplements.
Is that okay? Yeah, what about steroids? Wow for legal reasons, he cannot practice medicine in New York, but outside of New York Yeah, but I'm saying like he's a licensed doctor like he knows Yeah, you ever take down like a like an animal like a horse or a deer No, I would that would be cool though. Do you feel comfortable? Maybe boxing a kangaroo? Would you be comfortable with like a donkey? Donkey From the front. Sure. Do you think you could lift like say like a guy like me? Do you think you could lift me up like a baby? Like what if I just wiggle like a little bit like that? Yeah This college humor prank is brought to you by spikes new series the Joe Schmoe show TV's greatest hoax January 8th on spike Is all fake except for this guy No, this is the Joe Schmoe show new series starts Tuesday, January 8th to 10 on spike |
cracked | the_surprisingly_racist_origins_of_square_dancing_in_gym_class | Remember the weeks in gym class where you'd unexpectedly drop the laps around the track and instead would learn how to square dance? Well, surprise. If you square danced in gym class, you were unknowingly participating in a super racist tradition. We're not saying swinging your partner round and round is in itself racist, but the reason you were taught to square dance in your elementary, middle, or even high school gym class was actually to fight the Jews who were the masterminds behind jazz?
Wait a minute. What? Nostalgia under the microscope.
The reason many of us learned to roll away to a half sachet is entirely the fault of Henry Ford, the founder of the Ford Motor Company and very notably a well-documented anti-Semite. In the 1920s, he had his own newspaper called the Dearborn Independent that was later reprinted in the overtly anti-Semitic International Jew newspaper. If that isn't enough proof, he was additionally celebrated by Hitler and even praised in Mein Kampf. Later, he denied writing the articles and then also half-heartedly apologized for writing them, which in that order happens to be taken right out of a guilty person's playbook.
Unsurprisingly, this old, rich, white guy thought jazz and all the new dances of this time were going to completely destroy America. So you're probably thinking, wait, why'd he try to combat jazz with square dancing when Jewish people didn't have anything to do with jazz? And you'd be right. Ford believed that the Jews were actually manipulating the African-American community into creating this new enticing style of music and culture to destroy and take over the world, which is absolutely insane. It's like the inception of racism. Tap the rock in your pocket twice if you think you're caught in a racist fever dream.
I've never actually seen an inception. I kept falling asleep through it, which is actually the way you're supposed to do it, so. It's enough.
So Ford, AKA adult man, actually scared of a type of music, decided to uphold white people culture by trying to make old-fashioned dancing a thing again, which is coded language for upholding whiteness through dance, which, to be fair, worked pretty well for DDR. And, well, frankly, unlike your bedridden grandma, Ford actually had the money to do it. So he poured money into strongly recommending, AKA throwing cash at, square dancing being taught around the country, as well as attempting to bring back other historically white dances, like the waltz and the French quadrille. He poured even more money into this weird and racist cause by purchasing a violin for $75,000, so he could teach himself the music and bring square dancing back to life by the power of his own dumb little fingers. Money gets you pretty far, pretty much always. So eventually, he even bought into school curriculums, petitioning and supplying money for programs under the guise of it being a wholesome dance to keep the kids on the right path. In one way, unfortunately, maybe he actually accomplished his goal in some ways, since being good at square dancing is just another way of saying you don't have a lot of friends.
So basically, as a result of this one dickhead misattributing an entire musical culture with the wrong minority, we, for generations, had to do-si-do for a week in gym class with the dragon girl. I always got paired with the dragon girl. No shade to dragon girl, but it was very stressful being roared out spontaneously. Argh, argh, argh, argh.
It's no surprise that we have a lot of racist coded language and traditions in our culture that we have yet to truly reckon with. I think it's safe to say, though, that this is by far the weirdest and possibly dumbest one. Have we stopped doing this yet? Or at least can we wheel out the TV and watch a video on the real history of square dancing? Because unbeknownst to numb nuts Ford, square dancing was actually invented by African Americans and has roots in slave history. So Ford, you racist jerk, ya burnt. And he's dead, so he didn't feel that, but I'm giving that energy to him.
Eventually, all that dirty square dancing money amounted to little more than a short fad and obviously never came close to eradicating the jazz movement. However, the lasting effects were experienced by school children all around the country until the early 2000s. Hey, if you love to square dance, that's fine. No one's saying you have to stop square dancing.
We're just saying that Henry Ford brought it to your gym class because he was a frickin' freak. Everyone loves chicken pot pie, right? But if you brought chicken pot pie at a gym class, people will be like, what? Why is this hot, creamy pie in gym class? Is this making sense? |
ClickHole | are_you_ready_to_make_a_difference_take_the_pledge | I've always wanted to be part of something bigger than myself. To make a difference. You go through life and you see all this injustice, but you never really do anything about it. You don't know how. I have two little kids, so I'm always thinking about their future. Every solution begins with just one person stepping up and taking responsibility.
That's why I'm taking the pledge. I'm taking the pledge because I care about my community.
For my kids. My grandchildren. For you. For me. For us. For us, for them, and for me too. Because I care about the future, and not just my future, but the future of everyone. Every single person. My baby boys.
Taking the pledge is about standing up for what matters and what's right. It doesn't matter if you're black, white, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, anyone can take the pledge. I got my brother to take the pledge and he got his friend to do it. I got everyone in my school to take the pledge. You get her to take the pledge and she gets someone else who gets someone else and on and on and on.
And suddenly we've got something much bigger than any one of us. You take the pledge and you're part of a global movement of people who believe in change. This is big.
I can feel it. Can you feel it?
You go online and you see these little videos of all around the world people taking the pledge and sharing it with their friends and it's inspiring. My name is Ziwe and I'm taking the pledge. I'm taking the pledge. We're taking the pledge.
It's easy to be cynical, but I really do believe it's possible to change the world. Wake up people, it's 2015. We can freaking do this. We can do this. We can do anything.
Make a video of yourself taking the pledge and share it online with your friends. You never know who you're going to inspire with your pledge video. Imagine just for a second if everyone took the pledge, right? That's the future I want for my kids and it all starts with taking the pledge.
My name is Alana. Zeke. Brian. Margaret. My name is Rachel and I'm taking the pledge. |
dropout | collegehumor_goes_to_hell | I have devised a most fitting punishment for each of you. Call of Worlds.
This is wow. I put a lot of thought into it. This is the perfect torment.
You slept your work days away. Well, if you love to sleep so much, sleep forever on an air mattress that loses its air every single night.
Oh my gosh, you shouldn't have. I hate this so much. You will have your face rubbed with the cheese grater forever.
Oh, okay. Sure.
Uh, that's awful. You hate it? I thought you'd hate it. Yeah, no, it's um, it's really bad.
Oh no. Good. Good.
It's just that, what made you think that I would hate the cheese grater to the face? Well, I think it's pretty awful that anyone would hate it. It's just that everyone else's torture was just like a little more specifically tailored to them, you know? I asked around. I think you're really gonna hate it.
Okay, sure. Shut up.
You were a greedy soul. You never let a penny leave your fingers.
Well, now you won't be able to walk anywhere without seeing a Greenpeace volunteer with a clap tailor. Hey, do you have a quick minute to talk about the environment?
Wow, yeah, that's a good torture. Do you want me to take the cheese grater back, Zach? No, it's terrible. Okay. Emily! Yes, Devil?
You were a glutton in life, but now you'll never eat again. But you'll be followed by people chewing all the time.
Oh, this is the worst torture ever. Wow, that's a perfect torture for Emily.
You know what, Zach? You're just hard to find torments for, okay?
Gratitude, man. Gratitude. Pat! You always thought your time was more valuable than everyone else's.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, come on. Well, I gathered all the slowest walkers from all of history, and you will walk behind them for eternity. What?
How long did this even take you? I'm not gonna lie. I had to skip out of work a day to get this done, so.
You really shouldn't have. I don't deserve this. This is just so infuriating. Thank you. You are a terrible person, and you deserve everything that you get. You're unbelievable. What am I gonna do? Give everyone their punishments, and then give you a picture of the punishment that I wanted to get you? That's bullshit.
You know what, I think I would have preferred that. You want the cheese grater? Oh, actually, I think that would be perfect for me. I'm very vain.
Great. Fine. I love it.
Zach, sorry, man. I know this isn't thoughtful, but there's a lot of good tortures around here. Maybe you can find one that you like. Oh, I'm sorry.
I got caught up in getting the perfect torture, and I forgot what being in hell is really all about. It's about having a bad time. And right now, I'm having the worst time.
Zach. Oh, yes. So what do you say, guys?
Our time in hell isn't over now, or ever. Let's go fill up a sieve for eternity. God damn us.
Everyone. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
dropout | high_stakes_icebreaker_questions | We have our two new cast members joining us today. Lily, Teo, come on out here. Okay, so now let's get to know our two new hires with some fun icebreaker questions.
Lily, if you had to describe yourself with an adjective and a food, what would it be? Well, I'm dry and I love tuna, so I guess I'd be dry tuna. I'm also very dry. It's delicious!
Hey, Teo. Hey, everyone. Do we have to do these icebreaker questions? They're always so lame. You never get to know anything real about anyone. Why don't we all just go to the bar after work? That's a much better way to get to know me. Oh, you're one of those types that doesn't like social conventions. Yeah, we have questions for people like you. Teo, on the day of your best friend's wedding, you find out that her husband is having an affair with the maid of honor. Do you completely ruin the wedding she has poured her heart into planning or let her enter a marriage destined to fail? This feels like a really dark question. I mean, you asked for less lame questions, right? So this is it. Now we get to know the real Teo. I guess I tell my friend to cancel the wedding.
What a monster. What a monster indeed. Teo, shame on you.
Lily! If you were gonna go to Six Flags, who would you rather go with? Taylor Swift or Tom Hanks? I'd rather go with my girl, T-Swift. Whoa! Looks like we got a T-Swift banner now. Baby, now we got that.
I'd go to Six Flags with Tom Hanks. I love Tom Hanks, you know? Like, life is like a box of chocolates.
Taylor, your father shows up at your door with a body. He's killed someone in a fit of rage, and now he needs your help bearing the evidence. Do you help him or do you turn your father into the authorities? Can I answer the Six Flags question?
I love Hanks. No, in this hypothetical situation, Tom Hanks died from syphilis.
God, Teo, how could you? What do you mean? I'm not the one controlling this fictional universe. Teo, reveal your true self! I'd call the cops with my father, and I would turn him in. Wow, that's effed up. I guess none of us will be sharing any secrets with you anytime soon. Lily, last question. You like snow? I don't know. Yeah! What a great answer. I think you guys all got to know the real me already. I don't think I need another question. Teo, everybody gets three questions. This is the drunk driver who killed your sister when you were 15. Wendy, how do you guys know about that? We googled it. Anyway, the statute of limitations has fully expired. This guy will never answer for taking your sister's life. Are you prepared to take justice in your own hands?
He was really going to do that! That gun's not loaded! What a freak! Wow. Well, I'm glad we got to know the real Teo. This isn't the guy that killed your sister, dummy. It's Luke Field! He works here! Wow!
Yeah, welcome to College Humor, Teo. Hi, I'm Lily. Oh, hey, Lily. I'm here too. Oh, yeah, this is really, really. I sit right next to you. I'm going to be in the desk next to you. Yeah, I'm next to Teo. Yeah, I'm going to look at him in the eyes every day. It's going to be a lot of fun for me. Hear that freak? Hey, it's Teo.
If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a small bag of catnip, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. So check with us live on the Dropout Discord and get exclusive content like Troopers.
Sign up for your free trial today unless you hate fun, which if you do, come to my party on Saturday. It won't be fun at all. |
SaturdayNightLive | jacob_elordi_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, shake-out, Alordi! thank you very much. it is so exciting to be here hosting the first and so far best show of 2024. You might know me from Saltburn. not from seeing. thanks. not from seeing the film. just from seeing the Tiktoks. Like this scene. Laughter. Yeah, I was the one in the grave. But if you saw the movie, thank you. cheering. If you saw the movie with your parents, I'm sorry. And if you saw the movie with your girlfriend, you're welcome. Anyway, I'm not much of a public speaker, so I thought I'd open it up to some questions from the audience. Yes, you.
Yeah. all right, next question. You. hi. no question. just want to look at you. uh, are you done? not yet. almost. Ok. done. uh, who else has a question? Yes, you. Ok.
Oh, my God. I thought I'd get better. applause. I wanted to say i saw your movie and I thought it was absolutely gross. Laughter right, Yeah.
Well, salt burn really isn't for everyone. The hell is a salt burn?
I'm talking about the kissing booth. Laughter. Kissing on my mouth? Wow. Yeah, you know what, kissing is kind of weird when you think about it. I mean, can you name one other animal that kisses? excuse me, sir. I can name an animal that kisses. You can. Yes, the noble elephant will sometimes put its trunk into its lover's mouth. how do you know that? Let's just say I own an elephant and I open my mouth a lot.
Laughter. Ok, I have time for one more question. Yes, Bowen. you know how you were born in Australia? More applause than Sarah. Laughter. You know how you were born in Australia? Well, I was also born in Australia, but we moved when I was a baby, so. can I go? is he eating out? Cool. did you have a question? No. laughter.
Great job, Bowen. before we start, I just want to take a moment to say how grateful I am to be here. I've been acting now for, like, seven years, and it's so easy to get caught up in the rush of trying to get to the next thing and the next thing. But tonight, the people I love are here. you all are here. and because of you, I'm here. So, thank you. thank you so much. |
TheOnion | Is_Stress_Real_Or_Are_You_Crazy_And_It_s_All_In_Your_Head | The constant demands of modern life can seem mentally and physically overwhelming at times. But is stress real, or are you just weak and pathetic? This is the whole body. Juggling your many responsibilities may leave you feeling trapped and paralyzingly anxious. But what you call stress is nothing more than a manifestation of your personal frailty filtered through your inability to function like all other normal people do. The simple fact is, the shortness of breath you get when thinking about the pressures of your life, this only happens to you.
Everyone else is totally fine. You may think that you should be concerned about a bad breakup or a big project at work. But that is not how normal people react to those things. None of your coworkers are worried about getting fired. Nobody around you gets upset about their relationship with their parents.
Just you. Life throws the same problems at everyone. Here is a normal person dealing with those problems. And here is you.
Not doing that at all, even though everyone else can. When confronted with a demanding situation, the human body doesn't get tense and jittery at all. Only you do.
Because you're a coward, you can't deal with real life.
And that needs to change. Take a deep breath.
Isn't that nice? That's how everyone except you feels all the time. It's that easy.
Even for big problems like war and disease, why do you care? You're not fighting in a war. And even people who are don't get upset about it like you do. So you may think you have innumerable problems and obligations crushing you.
But here's the good news.
You don't.
Nothing is a problem. Problems aren't real.
They only exist because you think about them.
And this weakness you have is causing you real problems. Things like insomnia and high blood pressure that nobody else has to deal with. So when it comes to moving past this imaginary thing you call stress, all you need to remember is that the only thing wrong with you is you. Stress and anxiety can cause high blood pressure, which is one of the biggest chronic health problems in America. Tens of millions of people suffer from it. And gone unchecked, it may lead to heart disease or even stroke. So how can you tackle this serious health issue?
Well, we've discovered that the solution to high blood pressure may just be letting yourself bleed all over the place. High blood pressure occurs when your heart has to work overtime to push blood through your veins. And this extra strain happens because after years of letting it build up, you simply have too much blood in you. Luckily, all you have to do is open some veins and let that excess blood pour out to ease the pressure.
For this treatment, the only things you'll need are a sharp straight blade, a rope or extension cord, and a plush absorbent towel for later. First, pick out your favorite comfy chair. You'll want a spot where you can really sink in and relax as your blood pressure drops and you slowly fade into blackness. You can also put on some soothing music to calm down before you cut yourself open.
Once you've settled in, locate the most prominent vein in your non-dominant arm. Tying off a tourniquet at the top of your arm will make the veins more visible and also increase flow to help push all that superfluous blood out of your body. Place the blade at a 15 to 30 degree angle to make sure you empty the maximum amount of troublesome blood from your body. Then, take a deep breath and slowly drag the blade lengthwise down the vein.
And that's it!
All the unnecessary excess blood that's been straining your heart will come pouring out and you should feel the pressure start to ease almost instantly. I also love having some calming herbal tea that I can sip on as the warming fog falls over my body and my blood slowly coats the hardwood. Now, not everyone may be comfortable with blades or cutting. If that's the case, you can also keep a ceramic jar of leeches handy for a longer, more relaxing bleed. But however you do it, a monthly bloodletting can lower your risk of heart disease by as much as 50%. And as a bonus, you might even lose a few pounds.
Exercise is essential for relieving stress and keeping your heart healthy, but we all know how difficult it can be to squeeze in a workout during a busy day of workouts. So here are some simple strength-building activities anyone can do while doing the splits. A couple full water bottles can act as simple weights to help build arm strength, even when it seems like you only have time for the splits. Jumping jacks are easy to do at home and great for metabolism and muscle endurance.
And the best part?
You can stop and do them during almost any split. You might think you have to sacrifice cardio during a hectic day of stretching your legs, but just a few rounds of battle rope can get the job done and help burn off some anger and aggression in the process. You can't have a healthy body without a healthy mind. That's why it's so important to find time to meditate while doing the splits. Even just a quick five-minute period where you can let everything go and completely relax makes all the difference. Trust me, your body will thank you for it. |
cracked | 8_great_movies_made_even_better_by_fan_theories | And fan theories that make movies better! Ooh-muh!
Darth Plagueis, so powerful and so wise, he could use the force to influence the midi-chlorians to create... T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T The Republic will be reorganized into the first New United Kingdom Empire! Oh, forgive me, Joe. I'm placing you under arrest for the murders of Leo Crow and Danny Whitworth. They say you have visions, that your life flashes before your eyes, That all your dreams come true. Let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass. You have forgotten who you are and so forgot who me. Who are you?
Pathological rejection of authority based on unresolved childhood trauma. She sent you off to me knowing you are not ready, knowing you would likely die. Mommy was very bad.
Station H. Am I right, Hong Kong? What is this? My cyanide capsule with my back left mola burned all my insides. But I didn't die. Do you know what it does to you?
Look at all your work. My life. Bank left. You're going to study me. I have to learn to be one of them. That's called taking the initiative, son. I wish I had ten more like you. My brothers, sisters, and we will show the sky people that they cannot take whatever they want. You know what I noticed?
Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I tell the press that I'd like a gangbanger, we'll get shot. Or a truckload of soldiers will be blowing up. I'm going to make this pencil disappear. I'm only burning my half. All you care about is money. I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you a stranger.
Hey everyone, thanks for watching the video. Please go down to the comments and like and subscribe and let us know what meme star you would vote for for president. Because apparently that's all it takes now to run. Also let us know what to do. |
cracked | why_the_star_wars_sequel_trilogy_was_doomed_from_the_opening_crawl_yboc | Oof. God, that looks like a sarlacc eatin' a thousand chili dogs. Ugh.
Your chart? This is my chart? You're sayin' this is my... oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, hey there, you scruffy nerf herders. Some results just came in, and anyway, my name is Dr. Jordan Breedy. Okay, yeah, I see you at the top of the chart now.
Great. But you wouldn't believe how many people spell my first name with an O instead of an A. Nobody spells it that way, and if you do, you're probably a terrorist. But whatever, welcome to another episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show where I talk about Star Wars and have to avoid the internet for years after, and the only show on crack that features sexy Leia scenes. Hot. Today, I diagnose.
Okay, right off the top, I will admit that millions of nerds are pretty much fine with the Star Wars sequels. It's among the hardcore fans and the professional movie watchers at the Galactic War Rages. Most of them either believe, yeah, that was pretty okay, or a person would be too good for these b******s. Personally, it doesn't really matter to me too much either way. I was always a fan of the novels, at least until Disney realized there were more books than they could handle. There are too many of them.
What are we going to do?
Still, I enjoy the movies, old and new, but I do think there's one basic, easily avoided story problem that kind of doomed the whole sequel trilogy for being truly great, and it happened in literally the first five seconds. Watching a new Hope's title crawl, we immediately know the political situation in this massive universe we're stepping into. Bad guys rule the galaxy, and they're opposed by a comparatively weak faction of rebels. It's simple, but that set up informs the entire plot of the original trilogy. Through heroism, the force, and the ability to actually hit what they shoot at, the rebels grow from this tiny band of desperate guerilla fighters into a galaxy-spanning coalition sporting an entire armada commanded by fresh people. Even the admittedly pretty stupid opening crawl for the Phantom Menace at least paints a clear picture of a declining civilization falling into conflict. I mean, it literally says, turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. Plus, we learned that there are midichlorians, so you know things are pretty bad. They live inside me. Now, compare both of those to the situation presented in the Force Awakens opening crawl.
Wait, doesn't that render everything that happened in the previous trilogy totally pointless? Let the past die. If you're brand new to this series, this has to read like complete nonsense.
How are you a resistance if you have the support of the Republic? That's like Rage Against the Machine opening for the State of the Union addressed. Makes messages. I'm the spy. What?! But if you are a fan, it's even worse. So the Empire isn't dead. They're just rebranded as the First Order. Oh, and the Rebellion, it's still a thing, but it's not the Republic, but it kind of is. What I told you was true. From a certain point of view. As far as I can tell, the First Order and the Republic are at peace, but the Republic still funds a terrorist organization to assault the First Order by proxy. So does the Republic publicly denounce the actions of the Resistance, or just kind of pretend it's not happening? See through you.
We can. Whatever the First Order is doing, it's apparently not sinister enough for the Republic to directly challenge it, but it is bad enough that they need to sic space Al-Qaeda on them. We made it.
Which makes Leia Osama Bin Laden of space? Which isn't where I would take her story.
Does the First Order directly control any systems, or do they simply float through space and issue stand commands of British accents? Supreme Court! If they're an actual sovereign government, aren't the Republic and Resistance essentially committing war crimes? And if the First Order somehow isn't a functioning government, are they space Al-Qaeda? Because if that's true, why can't the Republic fight them directly? Somebody is a space terrorist damn it. And we're going to find out who. Also, like, how is the First Order funded if they're not an actual government?
Are they an Amazon competitor? Are there sick tax breaks for super weapons? Do they run a death stick pyramid scheme? You want to buy some death sticks?
This isn't about just nitpicking the fictional universe, it's about how this confusing set of struggles to create clear character motivations. For instance, the First Order proves their evilness by obliterating the Republic's capital system, but why in the hell would they even do that? The two factions aren't at war, and the Republic presumably spans the entire galaxy, right? And yet they blow up one system in a galaxy with 3.2 million of them, and somehow it effectively ends the Republic. That's like if in World War II a Nazi chucked a hand grenade into the White House vegetable garden, and America was like, well, boys, suppose we hang it up and give this here sauerkraut a try. Does the Republic not have any armies or politicians or freaking anything stationed anywhere else in the entire galaxy?
Oh my god. What happened to Senator Binks? Mr. Buston with happiness.
Because it's not like the Republic should go into hiding or worry about Starkiller base firing again. The Resistance immediately blew it up. We just never get any sense of the size or scope or threat of any of these factions. And that's crucial for a movie like this, which depends on us knowing the dramatic stakes for all of these big action set pieces. Like, how big of a deal is it that the First Order loses a dreadnought at the beginning of The Last Jedi? Did they have a bunch of dreadnoughts, or was that their only one? Similarly, does it matter that the Resistance lost a bunch of bombers taking it out? Poe thinks it's worth it, but Leia doesn't. And honestly, they're probably both wrong. In The Rise of Skywalker, it turns out that the Empire had like a million tricked-out stardust horrors hidden away for no apparent reason. And the Resistance has access to a million ships of their own parked around the galaxy just waiting to be inspired by Lando Calrissian's sexy arthritic dance moves. Whatever. So how am I supposed to care about a couple dozen bombers here or dreadnought there? I mean, it'd be like if the Empire Strikes Back began with Darth Vader on the bridge of one of his 36 other Death Stars.
Now, you may be thinking, excuse me, back to breathing. But none of this nerdy backstory stuff really matters. After all, this is about the characters and their journey, and the truly uncomfortable make-out scenes.
But stories like this have to have all three. It's different if the story is set in the real world, where everybody already knows what it means to defeat the Nazis or win the World Series or quit your job and build a meth lab. You want to buy some death sticks? But in a fantasy universe, everything has to be established from scratch. The world you create doesn't have to be simple, but it does have to be clear.
The way modern blockbusters are made, it's easy to just skip this part altogether. It feels like they start with a series of huge sequences they know they won the trailer. Oh, disguise! Full of frickin' Star Destroyers! And then they just fill in the rest later with reshoots or a couple of throwaway lines in the novelization. You can't make the Kessel Run in less than 20 projects. Watch me.
But rich backstory and worldbuilding is what helps these stories take root in your mind. It's the reason that fans have remained obsessed with Star Wars after four decades. Look, I wasn't going to say this, but you know the cantina music they play on Tatooine? It's called Jizz. Seriously, look it up. That is what makes Star Wars great. There's this whole universe where freaky aliens covered in hair kick back with a glass of blue milk, throw on the hottest Jizz, and bitch about the current state of galactic political affairs. Though without some kind of clear vision, you get two directors in a tug of war, each trying to undo the creative decisions of the previous one and falling back on nostalgia when something doesn't work.
Wait, with Snoke Dead, who's the villain now? Not Kylo, we've already got a redemption thing going on with him, so what if we bring back Palpatine, but this time he has a podcast?
We could talk about what less than Hollywood will take from this, like maybe spend 20 minutes writing a story before filming next time, but let's be honest, these movies still made billions of dollars. They're not going to change just because an actual doctor told him they should. Every word of what you just said was wrong.
Alright, so yeah, I accuse Lae'ev being the Samba bin lad in space, I tried to not say Jizz, so I guess that's pretty much it. I guess I'm going to head out to my underground bunker to avoid Star Wars commenters for the next decade, but join us next appointment from my bunker when we diagnose which Star Trek captains have the juiciest behinds. Sounds great. Good work, guys. Thanks. Make sure to talk to Kathy on your way out to pick up some drugs for your rat gold plague. Oh crap, this is still my chart. Oh, hey guys. Just kind of hang out in my bunker hiding from the nerds.
I don't know when I'll be able to do another video, but until then, you know, subscribe, ding the bell, ring the notification bell, and yeah, hopefully we'll get you another one soon. Until then, all to and all night, baby. |
SaturdayNightLive | regis_co_host_auditions_saturday_night_live | Kelvin, come on, Chop, Chop, let's get these auditions going for crying out loud. Okay, Reg, you're the King. whenever you're ready, babe. Look, of course I'm ready. Are you kidding me? with two hit shows and a big new contract, I'm the Man. I've got gang. 39 years in the business, Abc is now kissing my ass. Oh, and to top it all off, Satan is quitting the show. I tell you, Kelvin, I can't wait to meet my potential new co-host. absolutely, Reg. We've got some great people. Okay.
Star Jones. Yes, I am Star Jones, and I am a lawyer. And legally speaking, I am under contract at The View, But off the record, I can't stand those little bitches. I'd rather work with you, because you're cute like that little Lucky Charms man. Star Jones, you're in a world of pain, Sister Friend.
Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Barbara. you better watch your step, Missy, or I'll bury you where I buried Matinopolis. and they'll never find you. Get to stepping. Reg, you're back on top. King of the game shows. and a daytime Tv veteran of legendary proportions and spokesman for fake water. You know, you're right, Barbara, and this schedule is killing me. you do a daytime show and a primetime series, and you're way older than me. How do you do it? Well, I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I don't have a human circular toy system. good luck. somehow, Gellman, that doesn't surprise me.
All right, who's next? Janina Raffalo. Ah, there you are. Janine Raffalo. You know, you and I would make a very hip team.
I don't know, I'm not really into this whole morning show genre vibe. I hate showbiz.
Well, it's very simple, Janine. all you have to do is be yourself and talk about what's going on in your life. So, what did you do this week? Okay, well, I filled in for Letterman, then I did Politically Incorrect, Larry King, the Craig Kilborn Show, Martin Short, a photo shoot for Jane Magazine, the Aspen Comedy Festival, a Ben Stiller movie, an episode of The Sopranos, Love Line, The List, The Daily Show, Charlie Rose, another Ben Stiller movie, and I played a chain-smoking camp counselor on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Oh, then on Tuesday, I was- Gellman, the girl. Can't say no! Yeah, I gotta go on extra now and pretend I'm not a celebrity. Gellman, you know, Gellman, she's a nice girl and she's very pretty, but she should comb the hair once in a while. right again, Rach. don't worry, this next guy is gonna be perfect. Hey, Rachis, Donnie Hoffman, pleasure to meet you. yeah, I've seen the Donnie and Marisha. it's the best thing I've seen since Mike and Maddie. I heard you were looking for somebody. believe me, I know what it's like to work with a host show with a sugary Christian woman with a fake smile every morning. someone you really can't stand, someone who's a little bit country and a lot bipolar.
Tony, you're my kind of kid. I wish I could help you. But two dudes hosting a morning show? this isn't good morning Frisco! I'm sorry. Regis, I just need a hug. you know, gentlemen, I think it's time for you to show me some magic. Okay. this next one is gonna be good, Regis.
Darva Conger. Darva Conger? the former Miss Rockwell?
How the hell did you get in here? Regis, if you feel that I am the perfect co-host for you, I will be your friend, your lover, and your partner throughout whatever life has to offer us. we'll have joy, maybe a few tears, but more ups than downs, and it will never be boring. You know, Darva, I'd like to hire you. But officially, under New York State law, you're a hooker. let's keep this cattle calm moving. cattle calm? Hilarious. I got a surprise for you, Regis.
Chris Rock's here. Chris Rock! now we're talking. where is he? Man, oh man, Regis!
I've seen who wants to be a millionaire, and guess what? not a lot of black folks on the show. right. not a lot of black folks on the show. You know why? Because black folks don't like to answer questions. Oh, they want to be millionaires, but you got to ask that kind of question. like, in 1981, how many grams of crack did Rick J. smoke when he recorded Superfrees? Regis, you think the only way to get a brother on the show is to name it, who wants $50 cash and a pair of Pumas?
Chris, you're terrific. would you consider teaming up with me? What? you kidding? I ain't waking up at 7 a.m. to fake life at some cruise ship stories. What the hell? are you sure? yeah, and that's my final answer. Oh, Delmon, maybe I'll have to host this baby myself.
Yeah, baby. you're precious, Regis. you're the best. America, you love me. you're addicted to Regis. you can't get enough of me.
And while you're at it, trying, you take controlled butter-flavored spread. I endorse it. I eat it. |
CrackerMilk | my_dna_results_don_t_make_sense | Dad, our ancestry results just got in. No way. I'm 15% Chinese.
You never told me that I'm 80% That doesn't make any sense says I'm 80% bicycle Yes, you are it doesn't make any sense I don't cough don't cough Oh males here fucking bicycle I'm a Bicycle think about it. If I take you anywhere, I strap you to the front of the bus car drivers hate you mate That's your grandmother. She was the town bicycle. Everyone wrote her I mean seriously think I just have a picture of a random fucking bike on my phone a Weirdo, I don't know who I am anymore son You should embrace who you are be proud that you're a bicycle embrace it At least you're not a fucking scooter like your cousin That'd be embarrassing Yeah, oh and one more thing. Let's stay away from your girlfriend think she's using you What? I didn't even know that you were a bicycle Wow, that's new information now.
Come on. We gotta go.
Otherwise, we're gonna hit peak hour Can you please write me in the bike lane this time? No, I go in the center of the road Cuz I can weave okay Okay, that's it thank you for watching Gregor milk subscribe to our patreon we see me ride Connor That's me as a bike. This is me on a bike. This is me in a rocket ship And if I see that in the fucking BTS your shot dude do not think that bit of me riding the bike in that's embarrassing Don't put it in |
TheOnion | Obama_Outlines_Moral_Philosophical_Justifications_For_Turkey_Pardon | President Obama announced he will address the nation tomorrow night to explain his official decision to grant a Thanksgiving Day pardon to Cranberry, the official bird chosen for the 2010 National Thanksgiving Turkey presentation. The two-hour speech entitled The Obligation of the Just will lay out President Obama's 35-point argument for keeping the turkey alive, citing historical precedent and over 2,000 statistics about turkeys. The president considered all potential points of view before deciding to spare the turkey's life. The president labored for the last six months over whether to spare Cranberry, enlisting 55 staffers to investigate its personal background by visiting farms and interviewing those close to the turkey.
Joining us now from Washington is Jane Carmichael. Welcome, Jane.
Now, Jane, the White House has released the president's notes pertaining to the pardon, including his personal decision-making flow chart. Yes, really, he wanted to be confident he was making the right choice. Understandable. He even spent four hours one-on-one with Cranberry to assess its moral character. Now, the White House says President Obama also reached out to Republicans, but I'm hearing they were unwilling to collaborate. That's exactly right. He invited both parties to a conference at the White House, but the talks broke down around hour six when a frustrated Mitch McConnell said, oh, my God, just do whatever, and left the room. And now, Jane, looking at tomorrow's schedule, we understand that he has canceled the public ceremony. Yeah, he absolutely has, Andrea. Really? President Obama felt that a festive atmosphere featuring songs and a Thanksgiving pageant performed by the Girl Scouts did not fit the solemn import of the event, in which, quote, the scales of justice will be once again checked to ensure the rights of all turkeys. All right, Jane, thank you so much for keeping us posted. Thanks, Andrea. Moving on, police in California unveiled a new tracking device that records every motion of a sex offender's pelvis. |
cracked | 5_ways_little_mermaid_is_the_most_terrifying_disney_movie_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture's Word of the show I will keep doing until I die, which will be never so suck it, everyone. Today's episode explores. Am I still talking about a children's movie from 1989? At some point you're gonna have to see other movies, future Daniel. Never pass Daniel, you wiener. The Little Mermaid is a timeless movie about a confusingly normal-sized mermaid who falls in love with a human man and through a series of magic shenanigans and parental negligence manages to leave the underwater kingdom she once called home to marry a handsome prince who also runs a kingdom. It's your classic riches to different riches story. And a movie I loved growing up, and yet I will feel nothing as I ruin it right now for you, the people. Let's start right at the top.
King Triton presides over the kingdom of Atlantica, as well as the whole sea. He has a magic trident and way too many daughters. And speaking of which, hey, Triton, do you start every morning with a concert where you force your daughters to sing a song about how great it is being one of King Triton's daughters?
Or is that just like an annual thing? It's whatever the answer, you have too many of those concerts.
Want a shortcut to getting your people to hate you? Start every morning forcing them to sit through one of your children's middle school concerts. Our worst kings wouldn't do that, and our worst kings murdered their own lives. Ariel actively hates you. You make no attempt to understand her, you destroy all her stuff, and you still have the gall to be like, uh, by the way, the mandatory, we totally love being King Triton's kids opera has been rescheduled to next week. Don't forget this time, it's important that all the fish know how great I am.
That doesn't make him a bad ruler, per se, just like a shitty guy. He's also wildly unstable, which does make him a bad ruler.
See the aforementioned destruction of everything Ariel holds dear, and his never explained hatred for Ursula. If you want more proof of his general instability, look no further than the distance between your face and the computer screen at me, because I'm going to tell you about the Little Mermaid prequel. In Ariel's beginning, we learned that Triton had a beautiful music loving wife who died when a boat fucking smashed her, and became so distraught that he banned music in his kingdom. I will not have music in my kingdom! For ten years, he would jail anyone who was caught playing music, and when he found a deep sea music club, had it destroyed. He even tried to hold his daughter's prisoner when he heard them singing, until he eventually completely changed his mind, I guess, because Ariel does something sweet, which is sort of his MO.
So, you've got a man who has ultimate power over all oceans, and he makes insane and oppressive rules over his subjects, but will change his mind on a whim, and he's in charge! An all-powerful sea god with no friends is running everything down below. And I don't totally know how oceanic monarchies work, but if they borrowed anything from us, Atlantica is in trouble, because Triton fathered no sons, just a shitload of singing daughters. The Triton name will die with him. With no clear air to his sea throne, it wouldn't be out of line to assume that he's just gonna stick around getting crazier and more depressed and lonelier and shittier. Like that old king in that one piebald song, great fucking reference, Daniel. My point is that everything about Triton is insane, and he's the most powerful being in the ocean. It's also worth noting that the two times King Triton changed his mind about one of his crazy rules only happened because Ariel convinced him that he was being unreasonable.
She's the one who could make him see clearly, and he let her fuck off to the mainland. And I was gonna talk sense to him. Flounder? Then a seagull came, and it was this is this, and that is that, and it was fucking fla- Actually, that wouldn't be so bad. He always urged Costner. The general cowardice made him fairly pragmatic and logical.
He also managed to get the statue of Eric into Agrile's Cove of bullshit. That's pretty clever. It shows ingenuity. I don't know how. He got that statue in there. There's no clear entrance. Plus, it's heavy.
Impressive work, Flounder. Flounder, you're the best! Could do worse than Flounder.
This is a consigliere. That's all I'm saying. What? I still have more to say about King Triton. Fine. Right.
Agrile's the heroine in the movie. She saves Eric, talks sense to Triton, and looking back was probably my first crush. Hey girl. The point is, we're all supposed to love her, but hey, she's six god damn teen.
Computer? When was the last time a sixteen year old made a good decision? What's that? No? Still just never then? Okay, yeah, good. Never happened.
Three. Our children are toilet people.
We're meant to assume that Eric and Ariel's bond is based on true love. But at the end of the day, she's a sixteen year old who falls in love with literally the first human she sees up close. And he, at first, falls in love with her because of her beautiful voice. But then, when he meets the version of her that can't talk, he's like, oh this is even better. I love this one now.
And that wasn't a red flag to her. Because she's sixteen. Their entire courtship takes place when she isn't a mermaid and can't sing, which are ordinarily two defining things for the little mermaid. And when she did reveal herself as a mermaid and got her voice back, their deal at the end didn't involve dates, crazy Triton gave her legs, and the two of them got married. At sixteen, to one of the first anything she has feelings for. She hadn't dated other mermen or even other landmen. This is the marriage of actual land royalty and actual sea royalty.
This is a big deal. It will impact everyone in the world. And it happened with zero vetting whatsoever.
There are two things we know for sure in the Little Mermaid universe. Fish are sentient beings with emotions and personalities and friendships and dreams. And Eric is the seafaring prince of a coastal kingdom. Flounder was Ariel's best friend, and I'm gonna assume that Prince Eric caught and ate his fair share of flounder, unless this is one of those coastal kingdoms that doesn't consume fish, which, computer, yeah, those don't exist. The people who lived in that village, or town, or kingdom, or principality, most likely make their living fishing and trading. We already know that Prince Eric employed a chef who took personal, almost sexual joy in killing and cooking sea creatures.
First I come up, sear heads, and I pull out the bone. What are you gonna serve at your wedding, Eric? Fish? Be weird if you didn't. Or maybe, out of love, Eric will outlaw fishing as a trade. But then, hey, guess what, guy? If you do that, you just put a whole lot of your subjects out of work. His options are, ruin the fishing trade that guaranteed provides the livelihood of a number of his people, or get his new child bride on board with the fact that she might eat a bunch of her friends at some point.
These are issues that would have come up during the dating process that never happened, because Ariel and Eric decided to get married after three days during which no conversations actually took place. That's just true of how dating works.
There's a woman I'm seeing now, and early on, like second date, I was like, before we take this further, you're not killing and eating any of my friends, right? And she was like, I can't know that, but probably not. She's pretty cool.
Ooh, boy, we are running out of time here, but holy shit. These are some dummies.
When Ariel is singing about wanting to be a part of Eric's world, she stumbles and forgets the word for feet. What do you call them? Oh, feet. Crabs have feet. Scuttle has feet. How much could you possibly have studied the culture you claimed to be ready to join if feet and street are blind spots?
And Eric, he takes her on a romantic boat ride and tries to guess her name. Sidebar, Ariel, you could have just written it down. We all already know that you know how to do that with your eyes literally closed. And when Eric struggles coming up with her name, a crab whispers it to him, and he just assumes he came up with it. He doesn't question the fact that that was the right answer. He assumes it was his original thought. Is his inner monologue always in a thick Jamaican accent? Hold it tight. Also, before that, you thought her name was Mildred?
Okay, no. You absolute clod. These are bad dates, by the way. Every date they go on is just garbage and...
Already? Shit. Okay. Time on the clock. Roll the clip.
This whole joint never could have happened because smaller sound waves like that fell up playing the flute scatter in the ocean while lower pitches and larger sound waves like those performed by the Duke of Soul moved differently, meaning it would be impossible for these disparate instruments to come together in a meaningful way for a song, and it would just sound like a nightmare of cacophony. Moving on! Duke of Soul's depiction? Super racist. Forward!
A lot of fishermen live with fish and crabs and eels and monsters, but they're all still afraid of sharks. What's that deal? Does Triton rule Atlantica in the sea, or doesn't he? If goddamn seahorses can talk and those little doodads that Ursula makes have faces, why are sharks still just vicious, angry sharks? It's like all animals have personalities and can communicate except sharks and Max the dog.
Go! Ariel, the thingamabobs of which you have 20 are corkscrews. I got 20! And that's... 20 is not an impressive amount of corkscrews. They're not collector's items. Someone tried to show off their corkscrews, I'd be like, oh, I've got the one, and it just turns out that's the right amount. Onward!
Flounder describes a sunken pirate ship as damp. It looks damp in there. You're in the ocean.
What the fuck are you talking about? Proceed!
Sebastian starts to offer Ariel a warm glass of something. They're at the bottom of the ocean. If they figured out how to heat drinks, then why does Ariel wonder?
What's a fire? And why does it? What's the word?
You either understand the concept of relative temperatures or you don't. Pick a side.
How does Sebastian have a specific regional accent? It's a goddamn ocean of white people, and he's like, I'ma know the from ya. Fucking how?
Advance. Grimsby is weirdly excited when he thinks Ariel is going to smoke out of his pipe. Is that a thing for old guys? Is that like, ooh, she's going to go nuts for this hand-carved calabash. Can't wait to see that happen. And then she ends up blowing a bunch of ash into his face, and everyone's cool with it. Why is it cute? Upwards. What a scuttles deal.
We haven't even gotten to him yet. They make him an authority.
I don't... Ow! Damn.
God, I love this movie so much. I'm going to watch it one second I get home. Alan Menken, man. All day.
That's all I have on this topic. Join us next time when our subject will be... The birthplace of rap in Delta Blues America. Sounds like a college essay. I don't want to write that.
God damn you, past Daniel. You've got me again. You are... You are history's worst monster.
Did you know that? Anyway, bye. Hey everybody, thank you for watching that Little Mermaid thing. If you want, you can go in the comments and broadly speculate what scuttles deal is since we never got to it. Thanks. Subscribe if you haven't already. And check out this book by Christopher Moore, Serpent of Venice. It's really good.
I heard them singing, so he eventually completely changed his mind, I guess, because Ariel does something sweet, which is sort of his M.O. So, you've got a man who has ultimate power over all oceans, and he makes insane and oppressive rules over his subjects, but will change his mind on a whim, and he's in charge! An all-powerful sea god with no friends is running everything down below. And I don't totally know how oceanic monarchies work, but if they borrowed anything from us, Atlantica is in trouble, because Triton fathered no sons, just a shitload of singing daughters. The Triton name will die with him. With no clear air to his sea throne, it wouldn't be out of line to assume that he's just gonna stick around getting crazier and more depressed and lonelier and shittier. Like that old king in that one piebald song, great fucking reference, Daniel. My point is that everything about Triton is insane, and he's the most powerful being in the ocean. It's also worth noting that the two times King Triton changed his mind about one of his crazy rules only happened because Ariel convinced him that he was being unreasonable.
She's the one who could make him see clearly, and he let her f*** off to the mainland. Now I was gonna talk sense to him. Flounder? Then a seagull came, and it was this is this, and that is that. F***ing fla- Actually, that wouldn't be so bad. He always urged Costner. The general cowardice made him fairly pragmatic and logical.
He also managed to get the statue of Erik into Agro's Cove of bullshit. That's pretty clever. Shows ingenuity. I don't know how. You got that statue in there. There's no clear entrance. Plus, it's heavy.
Impressive work, Flounder. Flounder, you're the best! Could do worse than Flounder.
That's a consigliere. That's all I'm saying. What? I still have more to say about King Triton. Fine.
Alright, Ariel's the heroine in the movie. She saves Erik. Talk sense to Triton.
And looking back was probably my first crush. Hey girl. The point is, we're all supposed to love her. But hey, she's six goddamn teen.
Computer? When was the last time a sixteen year old made a good decision? What's that? No? Still just never then? Okay, yeah, good. Never happened.
I agree. Our children are toilet people.
We're meant to assume that Erik and Ariel's bond is based on true love. But at the end of the day, she's a sixteen year old who falls in love with literally the first human she sees up close. And he, at first, falls in love with her because of her beautiful voice. But then, when he meets the version of her that can't talk, he's like, Oh, this is even better. I love this one now.
And that wasn't a red flag to her. Because she's sixteen. Their entire courtship takes place when she isn't a mermaid and can't sing, which are ordinarily two defining things for the Little Mermaid. And when she did reveal herself as a mermaid and got her voice back, their deal at the end didn't involve dates. Crazy Triton gave her legs and the two of them got married. At sixteen, to one of the first anything she has feelings for. She hadn't dated other mermen or even other land men. This is the marriage of actual land royalty and actual sea royalty.
This is a big deal. It will impact everyone in the world. And it happened with zero vetting whatsoever.
There are two things we know for sure in the Little Mermaid universe. Fish are sentient beings with emotions and personalities and friendships and dreams. And Eric is the seafaring prince of a coastal kingdom. Flounder was Ariel's best friend. And I'm going to assume that Prince Eric caught and ate his fair share of flounder, unless this is one of those coastal kingdoms that doesn't consume fish, which, computer, yeah, those don't exist. The people who lived in that village or town or kingdom or principality most likely make their living fishing and trading. We already know that Prince Eric employed a chef who took personal, almost sexual joy in killing and cooking sea creatures.
What are you going to serve at your wedding, Eric? Fish? It'd be weird if you didn't. Or maybe, out of love, Eric will outlaw fishing as a trade. But then, hey, guess what, guy?
If you do that, you just put a whole lot of your subjects out of work. His options are, ruin the fishing trade that, guaranteed, provides the livelihood of a number of his people. Or, get his new child bride on board with the fact that she might eat a bunch of her friends at some point.
These are issues that would have come up during the dating process that never happened, because Ariel and Eric decided to get married after three days, during which no conversations actually took place. That's just true of how dating works.
There's a woman I'm seeing now, and early on, like second date, I was like, before we take this further, you're not killing and eating any of my friends, right? And she was like, I can't know that, but probably not. She's pretty cool.
Ooh, boy, we are running out of time here, but holy shit, these are some dummies. When Ariel is singing about wanting to be a part of Eric's world, she stumbles and forgets the word for feet. What do you call him? Oh, feet. Crabs have feet. Scuttle has feet. How much could you possibly have studied the culture you claim to be ready to join if feet and street are blind spots?
And Eric, he takes her on a romantic boat ride and tries to guess her name. Sidebar Ariel, you could have just written it down. We all already know that you know how to do that with your eyes literally closed. And when Eric struggles coming up with her name, a crab whispers it to him, and he just assumes he came up with it. He doesn't question the fact that that was the right answer. He assumes it was his original thought. Is his inner monologue always in a thick Jamaican accent? Hold it tight. Also, before that, you thought her name was Mildred?
Okay, no. You absolute clod. These are bad dates, by the way. Every date they go on is just garbage and...
Already? Shit, okay. Time on the clock. Roll the clip.
This whole joint never could have happened because smaller sound waves like that fell up playing a flute scatter in the ocean while lower pitches and larger sound waves, like those performed by the Duke of Soul, moved differently, meaning it would be impossible for these disparate instruments to come together in a meaningful way for a song, and it would just sound like a nightmare of cacophony. Moving on! Duke of Soul's depiction? Super racist. Forward!
Mermaids and mermen live with fish and crabs and eels and monsters, but they're all still afraid of sharks? What's that deal? Does Triton rule Atlantica in the sea, or doesn't he? If goddamn seahorses can talk and those little doodads that Ursula makes have faces, why are sharks still just vicious, angry sharks? It's like all animals have personalities and can communicate except sharks and Max the dog.
Go!
Ariel, the thingamabobs of which you have 20 are corkscrews. I got 20. And that's... 20 is not an impressive amount of corkscrews. They're not collector's items. Someone tried to show off their corkscrews, I'd be like, oh, I've got the one, and it just turns out that's the right amount.
Onward! Flounder describes a sunken pirate ship as damp. It looks damp in there. You're in the ocean. What the fuck are you talking about? Proceed!
Sebastian starts to offer Ariel a warm glass of something. They're at the bottom of the ocean. If they figured out how to heat drinks, then why does Ariel wonder?
What's a fire? And why does it? What's the word? You either understand the concept of relative temperatures or you don't.
Pick a side. How does Sebastian have a specific regional accent? It's a goddamn ocean of white people, and he's like, I'm a note from ya. Fucking hell. Advance.
Grimsby is weirdly excited when he thinks Ariel is gonna smoke out of his pipe. Is that a thing for old guys? Is that like, oh, she's gonna go nuts for this hand-carved calabash. Can't wait to see that happen. And then she ends up blowing a bunch of ash into his face.
And everyone's cool with it. Why is that cute?
Upwards. What is Scuttle's deal? We haven't even gotten to him yet. They make him an authority.
I don't... Ow. Damn.
God, I love this movie so much. I'm gonna watch it one second I get home. Alan Menken, man. All day.
That's all I have on this topic. Join us next time when our subject will be the birthplace of rap in the Delta Blues America. Sounds like a college essay. I don't wanna write that.
Did you know that? Anyway, bye. Hey, everybody. Thank you for watching that Little Mermaid thing. If you want, you can go in the comments and broadly speculate what Scuttle's deal is since we never got to it. Thanks. Subscribe if you haven't already.
And check out this book by Christopher Moore. Serpent of Venice. It's really good. |
dropout | visiting_home_is_weird_on_thanksgiving | I'm Dad, I'm home! Hey, hey, hey, hey, champ! Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks, thanks, it's great to be home.
The place looks great. This guy. Oh. That's due? Look. There's like 40 or 50 photos of me on this wall.
Can you turn my bedroom into a gym? No. I turn it into a gym, slash home office.
Yeah, yeah, they're bushes all right. Oh, look, it's Mrs. Camarda. Hey, Mrs. Camarda, I'm home. Stop, we're not talking to her anymore. Mrs. Camarda is your best friend. Well, now we're in a feud and we hate each other.
I get one extra fridge in the garage, but three? This one's for beer, this is an extra one, and well, sometimes you need another one. All right, this one is filled with diet cream soda. It was on sale three years ago.
Oh, acupuncture is just a silly hobby I picked up. I am certified in all states, and I'm going to a convention next week.
Dad, this computer is completely useless. What happened to the laptop I got you for your birthday?
Well, I still have it. This one has the iTunes. It's not...
When did you get into this? About the same time I got into pottery, taya chi, and smoking weed. Wait. Hey, Mr. Lopresti.
It was red, but I repainted it again. I do a lot of redecorating these days. Well, Mom, I mean, the place looks absolutely...
Oh, my God! Dye cream soda, anyone? Well, honey, are you leaving? Yes, I'm sorry. I can't stay here anymore. It's gotten too strange. Yeah, I guess you're right.
We have changed a little. It's just our way of dealing with this empty nest. With you gone, it's just been your father and I. And these three exchange students that we let live here now...
Hey, look at the shark team. Hey, Pat from College Humor here. Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe and here to watch another video. Now I return to the terrifying digital realm I always go to when my YouTube videos end. No! |
TheOnion | FBI_Warns_Against_American_Dream_Scam_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_11 | A growing scam is claiming victims all across the nation, it's called the American Dream Scam, and so many have been fooled in fact that now the FBI is getting involved. And newly discovered scrolls are giving believers more insight into the history of Christ. Could Jesus have devoured a twin messiah in the womb as these ancient texts suggest? From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. You're not like all those other news podcasts. We know you deserve to be loved, and we're going to make you feel special. Stay with us.
The FBI issued a major warning today of a growing scam that is claiming victims all across the nation. Authorities are calling it the American Dream Scam and are urging consumers to take caution. These predators are looking to cash in big by targeting unsuspecting victims and promising them rich and fulfilling lives. Millions of people have fallen for this dangerous hoax and have had devastating consequences as a result. That's FBI spokesperson Stan Winstead earlier today warning Americans about this dangerous hoax.
OPR's Charles Dearborn has been covering this story and joins us now. Good morning, Charles. Hello.
So tell us, how exactly are these scammers pulling it off? Well, the con is fairly simple. First, they promise the target great prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. The victim then pursues wealth and happiness in what they have been tricked into believing is a fair and just society until they eventually die. What about the scheme and who is most at risk of being targeted? Honestly, anyone who's open to the idea that class mobility is possible through ability or achievement. But the two groups that have been hit the hardest, immigrants who were lured to this country with the promise of a better life and wide-eyed young people with their whole lives ahead of them. I got conned by my own parents into thinking I could be anything I wanted to be. Now I'm $100,000 in debt with nothing but a worthless liberal arts degree to show for it. Devastating. Charles, how can people protect themselves from this so-called American Dream? Former watchdogs say to be on the lookout for anyone who appears to be hopeful about the future, definitely be wary of those who claim society will judge you solely on your skills and experience. And if someone tells you that it's possible to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, that's a big red flag, and you should contact the authorities immediately. Good advice. Let's hope these frauds are apprehended and face a light slap on the wrist soon.
Charles, thank you very much. Thank you. |
cracked | jeff_daniels_almost_passed_out_filming_that_dumb_and_dumber_scene | Jeff Daniels almost passed out on the toilet while he was filming that dum-and-dummer scene. And it was quite the journey just to get him there. Jeff told USA Today, I had agents who weren't wrong telling me, you're a serious actor. This is not the direction you need to be going. We're gonna stop this and get you off this movie.
But I wanted to shake it up with a comedy, and I wanted to work with Jim Carrey. Jeff knew his spot in the comedy hierarchy, deferring to Jim Carrey in their odd couple scenes. He'd let him take the lead, but for his solo scenes, Jeff was ready to go all in.
That didn't make him any less squeamish about his infamous toilet tour divorce. When his character Harry drinks tea spiked with laxatives, he endures a painful rite of passage in the bathroom.
I told Jim Carrey, this is either the beginning of my career or the end of it. Jim, who is fearless, told me, it's gonna be great. You've just gotta go all the way with it.
And he did. Daniels went method in one of the movie's most memorable gross-out scenes, emoting for two hours of gastric distress. He said for the close-up, when his face is really red, he had been doing it so long, he almost passed out. |
cracked | do_zombies_make_for_the_perfect_horror_movie_staff_picks | What's one of the first recorded things that was projected in the theater?
It was a train coming up. Oh, the train coming to the station.
People went on in an exodus because they were like, I can't, I can't. They can't literally.
I literally brought that up. So my pick is train moving to the station. On that note. Yeah, who's up next? Oh. That's the train.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, thank you. Bye. Holy shit.
This is Staff Picks, the show where we hunt down VHSs, DVDs, and Blu-rays trying to fill the shelf space of our video rental store evenly between the big four movie genres. Each episode will focus on a specific genre, and our four hosts will have to unanimously decide one movie to be added to the Staff Picks video store collection. Hello and welcome back to Staff Picks. We are the staff, and today we will be making picks.
We are here once again at station one in New Jersey. I'm joined, of course, by Daniel Radford, my co-host.
Jonah. Hello. And Tranisha. Hello. How's everyone doing? Good.
Ready for a spooky good time. Because today, we're talking about horror. Horror, pretty simple. I think. One would think, and yet I think I picked something that's gonna make for a great conversation. You might have a different definition of horror. No. I think this is gonna be fun, because we can talk about, isn't like, do we pick a movie based on how scary it is?
I do like that, yes. Is it the creep factor? Is it the thrill factor? Is it like, is it?
Best kills. Right? Yeah, yeah. Total scares per minute. Exactly.
This is one of my favorite genres. One of the best genres, I would say. Yeah, I'd say one of the best genres. Maybe one of the more, most subversive genres.
A lot of stuff can be said under the guise of horror. You can get a lot of wild thoughts talked about with people, if you do.
Exactly. I'm super interested, I can't wait to see this thing. I know.
Should we stop just messing around and get to it? Let's do it. Let's get to the horror. Let's do it.
This time, I'm going first. Yay! I got my bag. I think I went less pretentious this time. I just fully picked one of my favorite movies of all time. Okay, wait. Here's an easy one.
Okay, our horror pick is gonna be Evil Dead 2. I picked Evil Dead 2.
Oh, yeah! That was so awesome. Which was gonna be my pick. I was going to go and try and pick it and I couldn't find it and it means you got it before I did. Okay, I got it.
That is, and that's a movie that could also be a comedy. Well, here, okay. Here's what I think is great about the Evil Dead trilogy. First one, pretty much like mostly a horror movie. The second one, a perfect blend of horror and comedy. It is like balls to the wall, like really intense shit happening all the time. Gore, blood, all that insanity. Monsters. Then there's also like Slaps of comedy. And then Army of Darkness leans further into the comedy and is more, you know, there's like fantasy adventure horror stuff, but I think it's more of a comedy than the other three. And so like, there's one for everybody. And for me, Evil Dead 2 is kind of my like, my perfect, my perfect mix of views.
It's a perfect movie. The pacing of it, like you said, the scares, the laughs, the effects, like it just chugs along and I'd be remiss for anyone, not to say at least it was like, you know, a great movie. That's like bare minimum. It's a great movie for anybody. This is a quintessential horror film.
Yes. I agree. And is the one of the goriest well-made movies ever? It is. Wait a minute. You stole my bit. Again, this is the importance of physical media. There's stuff to read on the boxes. Yes. That's very true.
And if you haven't seen the movie, clearly. I've seen Evil Dead 1, I'm not seeing Evil Dead 2. Yeah. So why have you started off defending yourself? I would say, okay, I haven't seen it. I like how you just basically just defend yourself by saying you haven't seen it. Well, if I've seen Evil Dead 1, haven't I seen Evil Dead 2? That's what you think? Well, this is the funny thing because Evil Dead 2, the plot is extremely similar to Evil Dead 1.
He just goes back to a cabin with a girlfriend. It's like almost a remake in some ways, which makes the main character very stupid because they do establish that he did go to a cabin once before and all his friends died.
But it makes him a great leading man for a car movie. Bruce Campbell is so good in this movie.
Yes.
The flips he does, the amount of plates he smashes over his own head. He does a lot of backwards acting too, like physically just to make stuff work. He'll do stuff backwards.
And then they run it forward and it just gives it everything it's just such a weird, weird thing to do. It is like the whole thing. It is relentless. It is like every scene is great. Every scene has some amazing gag. It's just like there's so few movies have as much energy as this does. And also quantities of blood. Yeah. It is one of the goriest, wow, well made. It is.
I mean, I love it so much. I love this movie to death. It's one of my favorites. I mean, I don't know what else I need to say. Groovy. People that do, perfect movie.
But then I had to pivot. This could have been a choice for comedy. This could have been a choice for action.
This breaks a lot of the rules that I feel are important when it comes to zombies. I'm zombies. I am a huge, huge fan of this breaks the rules, but it does it in all the right ways.
See, now I'm like, now it's getting intense. I pick horror. Horror is a hard one. Oh God. There was return of living dead. I'd probably pick that for horror, but that is more of a comedy. Oh, here we go. It is not Sean, but it is return of the living dead. Oh.
Which is also one of the best punk rock movies, because you have the guys saying, you think this is a fucking costume. This is a way of life. Which is like how you feel when you're like, a young kid looking for identity. It is just, it's like, you got like weird vaudeville like comedy with the two guys in the beginning.
You have the running zombies. I love zombies. It's like a Dawn of the Dead, the original probably one of my all time favorite movies. The remake of Dawn of the Dead.
Also up there, I think is one of my favorites. But this is just so fun. Dan O'Bannon wrote the script. It is just like ridiculous. He directed it as well. It's insanely quotable and fun and funny and gross. The effects are wild. You got Tarmen, which is such an iconic. Oh my God.
Have you seen it? I've seen it. I've seen a surprising amount of zombie movies for a person who doesn't like scary things, but I haven't seen this. It's so much fun.
I'm trying to remember, is this one of those ones where they, do they actually use the word zombie in this or is this one of those ones where they have like a thicky dumb word because they don't want to say zombie? No, they just kind of say like, it's like, you know, look, they even reference like the original, like Night Live and Dead, where it's like, you know, they destroy the brain of the other one. And like, it's like what worked in the movie. And then the guy, this guy who was like, you mean the movie lied? Isn't this the first zombie movie that established the thing of zombies eating brains? Yes. This is where they say like brains and they say they're eating brains to kill the pain. The pain of being dead is what they're trying to do. So therefore a major like installment in the evolution of zombie lore. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The brains is this, this is where it comes from.
What about this breaks the rules that you have for zombies? Well, running is one thing, but I've now- That's a zombie thing. Yeah, so like I've now like kind of like over the years refined what I think, cause I'm kind of a Romero purist when it comes to- Because you got 28 days later and that's a fantastic festival.
Which is that's actually a virus outbreak movie. Whenever we came out there like, this isn't a zombie movie. This isn't an evil zombie movie either. It's not, you're right.
Like what I'm talking about is that you have to die and come back. I'm talking like cinematic zombies started Romero style. For a long time I was just like, you can't run. That's like cause you're dead. But this is how I've done it in my head where I can like be okay with it. When you first die, you still have all your same muscle mass. So if you see food and like all your whole thing is just trying to go and eat somebody, you're gonna get there as fast as you can. Meaning you're gonna just run with all your muscle mass. But you're dead so you won't be, you'll just be tearing apart your muscles. So you'll eventually become a shuffling around zombie. Right, because it's like with the vampire movies where some of them will be like, well you're the strongest when you just get turned because you've still got your human blood inside you. Yeah, oh that's a great point.
In defense of fast zombies, it's just way scarier. It is, but like it's like there's the impending dread and doom of like a slow moving horde. But fast zombies, it's like you go, oh you're just fucked. It's still like my anxiety and fast zombies are like, yeah, they're just like chasing each other.
Yeah, yeah. It's a good pairing if you want a scary movie experience. Yeah, I think so. And so you'll have that, but you'll also have some laughs. Stand back up. Danielle, what have you got for us?
So this is not one of my favorite movies. It is pretentious. I enjoy making fun of it very much, but I do have reasons unrelated to plot as to why I think that this should be preserved.
I submit to you, to your panel. Ooh, which one are you?
It's fine, it's a fine movie. It's your favorite. You're not really selling this here. I'm getting there, I promise.
The reason why I specifically think, and in this case it has to be the DVD, it can't be anything else, because there is so much that is important to understanding the movie Darny Darko that never makes it in the movie Darny Darko. And the only way you would be able to know any of it is through this DVD, which has all of these extras that explain the plot and explain the things that are happening, which now that we are in streaming, meaning you don't really get things, like behind the scenes, you don't really get things. Like in this they have, obviously they've got commentary. They've also got the infomercials. They have the book, the philosophy of time travel that they talk about a lot in the movie.
Have you seen the director's cut? Oh, I sure have. I think that's the one that we did the honest trailer for. Because a bunch of that stuff that you're describing, it's just in the director's cut, which I prefer the theatrical cut. Director's cut, hard to find those on streaming sometimes, though. There's a director's cut of that thing you do, which makes it an already great movie and even 10 times better movie.
It's not available streaming. It's only available on DVD.
A lot of them aren't, yeah. And so that's why this was one that I think would be preserved because it has all of these extras in that that make you be like, okay, well, whatever, I guess it's like a rabbit and like a play, I don't know, man. I think it's a fine movie. I think the fans of this movie was what kind of put me off of it.
Because it's so brilliant. It's the smartest movie you'll ever see because it's time travel and he sacrifices himself because it's time travel.
And then the rabbit, I'm like, oh, you got to stop talking. Sometimes good things can be ruined by the fans. I mean, I remember renting that from my local video store when I was like 14 and it was awesome. No one else in my school seemed to be aware of it. I'm glad I saw that movie before people, before annoying people. I wish I became one of those annoying people.
I don't know. Probably. I still can't tell. Do you like the movie? It's fine.
I think it's important because again of the fact that it's like this has extras on it. And so in our video store, I would want to have that in there because A, it is an important part of being able to read the movie correctly. And B, because it is also a great example of how supplemental material can actually enhance the original. Does it make it a good movie if you have to have all these other contextual pieces?
No, it's like in and out. If the burger is better animal style, just put it on the menu. Make it fucking animal style.
I don't think it's impossible to understand without that stuff. It's like on first viewing maybe. And I will be completely fair in saying that it was one of those where after having it hyped up, which is why this is actually, I have a Donnie Darko rule where if something is being way too hyped up, I will give it a two week cool down or at least until it like leaves the cycle in social media chatter and all that stuff. And that allows me to be able to watch a piece of media or read a book or a comic with a fresh perspective without it being like weighed down by the opinions of everybody else. Because I do think had I got on to Donnie Darko with people just being like, hey, it's a good movie, you should check that out. I would probably have a different opinion. But then watching it the first time being like, what is this? And then being like, no, but you gotta, I'm not watching, I'm not doing homework. I met a new friend.
Real or imaginary? Imaginary.
Okay, we've heard about Danielle's pick for a movie she does not like. Yes. Chinese show. Okay. Bring us home. What do you got for us?
Guys, I'm gonna repeat the fact that I was seriously overwhelmed when I walked in there and I just had some performance anxiety. So I didn't really process what was happening.
Ghostbusters. Let's go Ghostbusters 3.
All right, this isn't strictly horror, but it's got horror elements to it. And I feel like I can make case for it. Also, I'm a chump, so I don't really do horror.
So I'm gonna go Michael Keaton's. Is Beetlejuice for my horror recommendation? I chose Beetlejuice.
No, that's sort of what it is. That's great. Good scary moments in that. It does got some creepy moments. And if you're like, I don't know how old I was when this came out, but if you were my age when this came out, I was young, 1988.
He's the ghost with the most. The ghost with the most.
I love this film because it's A, got the quotables again. I think that's in my top 10 quotables, like the things that make you walk away with something and wanna revisit are the ones that I love the most.
The fact that it became a musical does not surprise me because the performances were so lyrical and like perfectly done. And also it's an all-star cast if I ever heard of one. I mean, ah, Michael Keaton. But like before they peaked even, like these are like stellar, really fantastic fucking actors who all happen to be in the same film at the same time before they all went off and like did even more extraordinary things.
I just finished reading Geena Davis's book, which is an incredible read. But like her talking about this, like where she did this after the fly and. Right, that's right. Yeah, and it's like, it was just like, she's like, it just seemed fun. Like she just seemed into it.
And like that's some kind of, it's such a fun movie. It's such a fun, like it's with actual kind of horrific elements to it and stuff that's kind of scary like the whole Dune, you know, Sandworm, like Saturn thing. Yes, yes. And it's a really great contribution to the Tim Burton aesthetic. I feel like this is between this and Edward Scissorhands and the others, it really establishes what he's about, but it does it in such a way, like you could watch the Tim Burton's Batman and be like, oh, that's, like without even hearing Tim Burton, you know, like, oh, that's a Tim Burton offering. This was really the thing where it's like, oh, it's clear that like an animator directed this movie. Yes, yes. It has that feel of an animated movie. That's what I think is so great about horror as a genre is that there are so many different shades to this because you'll look at something like, something like this, and you remember, like, this is very much a horror. You look at Buffy the TV show. It's very much a horror, but you're still laughing and, you know, ad-verbing your nouns and nouning your adverbs, but, you know, you stick around for all the horror and those things. Beetlejuice is, again, besides from being incredibly funny, technically the stop motion is ridiculous.
I love that it's tactile. I love that it's all practical. I love that you're in the universe with them.
What's very funny about this, you picking this, is that one of the reviews is uproarious. There hasn't been anything like it since Ghostbusters. Look!
A great drama. It's showtime.
This is gonna be tough. If I may, I am gonna push for Evil Dead 2 on this. It's a funny selection because, you know, almost all of these are like mixes of horror and other things. No one's picking a slasher movie. No one's throwing like Texas Chainsaw Massacre in there. And, but I'm gonna push for Evil Dead 2 because in terms of just like as a horror movie, I think it's the best horror movie.
And also, as far as this being a video store thing, this is absolutely a movie I discovered through video stores. Yeah, same. Like the cover of the skull with the eyeballs. It's like, it's like, it like is looking at you from the show. From my whole childhood, I would see it. I would see it and I'd walk past it and I'd see the eyeball looking at me.
And then finally I got to a point, I don't know, when I was like 14 or 15 and I was like, I think the time has come I'm gonna rent this thing and find out what it is. And then being blown away by how much you were having a good time. It changed my life.
Yeah. I think of these, Evil Dead and the second one of- Return of the Living Dead. Yes, thank you. Yeah.
The two most like quintessential horror offerings. Others are like, well, we're genre bending. Well, yeah, I'd say Donnie Darko. Like I wouldn't even consider it a horror, really. It has elements. It has elements of horror, but yeah, as far as just like a straight classical horror movie, I would agree with you. I mean, it's the same kind of thing.
Like I would say, you know, Beetlejuice is a comedy with a bundle, with like the kind of trappings of a horror movie. It's a creepy comedy. Exactly, it's a creepy comedy. It's a kooky, spooky comedy.
It's a thing that would make me happy because I don't wanna see scary things. I get it. Sorry.
Save scary. Disney scary. It's quite Disney scary. Something that's a little creepy, but it is family friendly.
Yeah, yeah. It was made from a guy that came up through Disney, so. That's true, yeah. I do love people falling off of stuff. Yeah. It is good. And I will say, as far as like picking a horror movie, I think Return of the Living Dead and Evil Dead 2, the ones that have dead in the title. Yes.
Are probably, to me, like the best representations of the horror genre. Yeah, we're not saying these are the scariest. We're just like, it's like the ones we found within this place. Right. The ones that deserve to be here. And it's not the same that like other like more wild scary things or like more elevated horror stuff. Ooh, elevated horror.
Yeah, exactly. If it wins an award, it's elevated. Exactly. This is for you too. I love this for you. I hate the term elevated horror. I think it's annoying. Yeah, yeah. I think it's kind of sending.
Return of the Living Dead, it means a lot to me, but I think I'm going to have to go with Evil Dead 2, mainly because if I saw it, I would have picked it. I feel like if I walked into a video store and I was like, I want to expand my horizons. I want to try to do the horror thing. I feel like I was like, yeah, Evil Dead, that sounds like a horror movie I should watch.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean.
The skull, the whole nine is moving. Look at the skull. It's got eyes in it.
No, I'm always going to, I love Evil Dead. I love all the Evil Dead movies. I like the show. I love Bruce Campbell. I like the game. I'm going to go with Evil Dead always.
Yeah. I think that's, yeah. Yeah, it's got to be. This was the thing. This was my easiest. No, no, that's Evil Dead 2. We didn't know and pick the thing. Is this it?
And that's it. That's it.
I like all these movies. You did it, Jim. I know. Thank you. Wow, this was way less heated than the comedy round. Yeah.
And maybe it's because we all don't horror for a living. I think that maybe that's it. I've been in a bunch of horror movies. Like, you know, it's like, You were even back there? No, no, like, they're all too new to.
I'm teasing. Blue race? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't look at all the blue race. I understand that. I would have loved it if you were like, well, this isn't my favorite movie, but I do have a small role in it. Yeah. And then we're all like, we feel bad about like voting against literally you. Yeah. There's like, I could have found like two different horror movies where I get killed like within the first five minutes. I'd watch that. Wait, wait, wait. You would just want to see them done. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
To you, to your panel. Oh, which one are you?
It's fine. It's a fine movie. It's your favorite. You're not really selling this here.
I'm getting there. I promise.
The reason why I specifically think, and in this case, it has to be the DVD. It can't be anything else because there is so much that is important to understanding the movie, Darnie Darko, that never makes it in the movie, Darnie Darko. And the only way you would be able to know any of it is through this DVD, which has all of these extras that explain the plot and explain the things that are happening, which now that we are in streaming, meaning you don't really get things like behind the scenes. You don't really get things like in this they have, obviously they've got commentary. They've also got the infomercials. They have the book, the philosophy of time travel they talk about a lot in the movie.
Have you seen the director's cut? Oh, I sure have. I think that's the one that we did the honest trailer for. Because a bunch of that stuff that you're describing, it's just in the director's cut, which I prefer the theatrical cut. Director's cut hard to find those on streaming sometimes, though. Like there's a director's cut of that thing you do, which makes it an already great movie and even 10 times better movie.
It's not available streaming. It's only available on DVD.
A lot of them are, yeah. And so that's why this was one that I think would be preserved because it has all of these extras in that that make you be like, okay, well, whatever. I guess it's like a rabbit in like a plane. I don't know, man.
I think it's a fine movie. I think the fans of this movie was what kind of put me off of it because it's so brilliant. It's the smartest movie you'll ever see because it's time travel and he sacrifices himself because it's time travel.
And then the rabbit, I'm like, oh my, you gotta stop talking. Sometimes good things can be ruined by the fans. I mean, I remember renting that from my local video store when I was like 14 and it was awesome. No one else in my school seemed to be aware of it. I'm glad I saw that movie before people, before annoying people. I wish I became one of those annoying people.
I don't know. Probably. I still can't tell. Do you like the movie? It's fine.
I think it's important because again, of the fact that it's like, this has extras on it. And so in our video store, I would wanna have that in there because A, it is an important part of being able to read the movie correctly. And B, because it is also a great example of how supplemental material can actually enhance the original. Does it make it a good movie if you have to have all these other contextual pieces?
No, it's like in and out. Like if the burger is better animal style, just put it on the menu. Make it animal style.
I don't think it's impossible to understand without that stuff. It's like on first viewing maybe. And I will be completely fair in saying that it was one of those after having it hyped up, which is why this is actually, I have a Donnie Darko rule where if something is being way too hyped up, I will give it a two week cool down or at least until it like leaves the cycle in social media chatter and all that stuff. And that allows me to be able to watch a piece of media or read a book or a comic with a fresh perspective without it being like weighed down by the opinions of everybody else. Because I do think had I got onto Donnie Darko with people just being like, hey, it's a good movie, you should check that out. I would probably have a different opinion. But then watching it the first time being like, what is this? And then being like, no, but you gotta, I'm not watching, I'm not doing homework. I made a new friend.
Real or imaginary? Imaginary.
Okay, we've heard about Danielle's pick for a movie she does not like. Yes. Chinese show. Okay. Bring us home. What do you got for us?
Guys, I'm gonna repeat the fact that I was seriously overwhelmed when I walked in there and I just had some performance anxiety. So I didn't really process what was happening.
Yeah, let's bust her. Let's go spusters three.
All right, this isn't strictly horror, but it's got horror elements to it. And I feel like I can make case for it. Also, I'm a chump, so I don't really do horror.
So I'm gonna go Michael Keaton's. Is Beetlejuice for my horror recommendation? I chose Beetlejuice.
Yay! That's sort of what it's like. That's great. I love this.
Good scary moments in that. I had some creepy moments and if you're like, I don't know how old I was when this came out, but if you were my age when this came out, I was young, 1988.
He's the ghost with the most. The ghost with the most.
I love this film because it's a, got the quotables again. I think that's in my top 10 quotables, like the things that make you walk away with something and wanna revisit are the ones that I love the most.
The fact that it became a musical does not surprise me because the performances were so lyrical and like perfectly done. And also it's an all-star cast if I ever heard of one. But like before they peaked even, like these are like stellar, really fantastic fucking actors who all happen to be in the same film at the same time before they all went off and like did even more extraordinary things.
I just finished reading Geena Davis's book, which is an incredible read. But like her talking about this, like where she did this after the fly and. That's right. Yeah, and it's like, it was just like, she's like, it just seemed fun. Like she just seemed into it.
And like that's still kind of, it's such a fun movie. It's such a fun, it's with actual kind of horrific elements to it and stuff that's kind of scary, like the whole Dune, you know, sandworm, like Saturn thing. Yes, yes. And it's a really great contribution to the Tim Burton aesthetic. Like I feel like this is between this and Edward Scissorhands and the others, it really establishes what he's about, but it does it in such a way like you could watch the Tim Burton's Batman and be like, oh, that's, without even hearing Tim Burton, you know, like, oh, that's a Tim Burton offering. This was really the thing where it's like, oh, it's clear that like an animator directed this movie. Yes, yes. And it has that feel of an animated movie. That's what I think is so great about horror as a genre is that there are so many different shades to this because you'll look at something like, something like this, and you remember like, this is very much a horror. You look at Buffy the TV show, it's very much a horror, but you're still laughing and, you know, ad-verbing your nouns and nouning your adverbs, but, you know, you stick around for all the horror and those things. Beetlejuice is, again, besides from being incredibly funny, technically, the stop motion is ridiculous.
I love that it's tactile. I love that it's all practical. I love that you're in the universe with them.
What's very funny about this, you picking this, is that one of the reviews is uproarious. There hasn't been anything like it since Ghostbusters. Look.
A great drama. It's showtime.
This is gonna be tough. If I may, I am gonna push for Evil Dead 2 on this. It's a funny selection because, you know, almost all of these are like, mixes of horror and other things. No one's taken a slasher movie. No one's thrown in like, Texas Chainsaw Massacre in there. And, but I'm gonna push for Evil Dead 2 because in terms of just like, as a horror movie, I think it's the best horror movie.
And also, as far as this being a video store thing, this is absolutely a movie I discovered through video stores. Yeah, same. Like the cover, the skull with the eyeballs. It's like, it's like, it is looking at you from the shelf going at it. For my whole childhood, I would see it. I would see it and I'd walk past it. I'd see the eyeball looking at me.
And then finally I got to a point, I don't know, when I was like 14 or 15 and I was like, I think the time has come I'm gonna rent this thing and find out what it is. And then being blown away by how much you were having a good time. And it changed my life.
Yeah. I think of these, Evil Dead and the second one of- Return of the Living Dead. Thank you. The two most quintessential horror offerings. Others are like, we're genre bending. Well, yeah, I'd say Donnie Darko. I wouldn't even consider it a horror, really. It has elements. It has elements of horror. But yeah, as far as just like a straight classical horror movie, I would agree with you. I mean, it's the same kind of thing.
Like I would say, you know, Beetlejuice is a comedy with the kind of trappings of a horror movie. It's a creepy comedy. Exactly, it's a creepy comedy. It's a kooky, spooky comedy.
It's a thing that would make me happy because I don't want to see scary things. I get it. Sorry.
Safe scary, Disney scary. It's quite Disney scary. Something that's a little creepy, but it is family friendly.
Yeah, yeah. Well, it was made from a guy that came up through Disney, so. That's true. I do love people falling off with stuff. Yeah. It is good. And I will say, as far as like picking a horror movie, I think Return of the Living Dead and Evil Dead 2, the ones that have Dead in the title. Yes.
Are probably, to me, like the best representations of the horror genre. Yeah, and we're not saying these are the scariest. We're just like, it's like the ones we found within this place. Right. The ones that deserve to be here. And it's not the saying that like other, like more wild, scary things are like, you know, like more, you know, elevated horror stuff or. Elevated horror.
Yeah, exactly. If it wins an award, it's elevated. Exactly. This is for you too. I love this for you. No, I hate the term elevated horror. I think it's annoying. Yeah, yeah. I think it's kind of sending.
Return of the Living Dead, it's, you know, it means a lot to me, but I think I'm going to have to go with Evil Dead 2, mainly because like I would have loved, if I saw it, I would have picked it. I feel like if I walked into a video store and I was like, I want to expand my horizons. I want to try to do the horror thing. I feel like I was like, yeah, Evil Dead. That sounds like a horror movie I should watch.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean.
The skull, the whole nine is giving. The skull.
It's coming.
No, I'm always going to, I love Evil Dead. I love, I love all the Evil Dead movies. I like this. I like the show. I love Bruce Campbell. I like the game. I'm going to get Evil Dead always.
Yeah. I think that's, yeah, yeah. It's got to be. I mean, this was the thing. This was my easiest. No, no, that's Evil Dead 2. We didn't, no one picked the thing. Is this it? That's it. That's it? I like all these movies. You did it, Jim. I know. Thank you. Wow, this was way less heated than the comedy round. Yeah.
And maybe it's because we all don't horror for a living. I think that made me better. I've been in a bunch of horror movies.
Like, you know, it's like, it's just some- You're even back there? No, no. They're all too new, too. I'm teasing. I'm sorry.
In Blu-rays? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't look at all the Blu-rays. I understand that. I would have loved it if you were like, well, this isn't my favorite movie, but I do have a small role in it. And then we're all like, we feel bad about like voting against literally you. Yeah. There's like, I like, if they, I could have found like two different horror movies where I get killed like within the first five minutes. I'd watch that. Wait, wait, wait. Do you just want to see them done? Yes. |
TheOnion | Gun_Owner_Explains_Why_He_Needs_Weapon_To_Protect_Self_From_Gun_He_Currently_Holding_To_Own_Head | Living in America today has never felt more unsafe. Rampant crime, mass shootings, and with so many illegal weapons on the street, it feels like we're in constant danger. While I wish it weren't the case, sometimes it feels like owning a gun is truly the only way to protect myself from the gun I'm holding against my own head.
I remember it so clearly. I was sitting in my car, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw it.
It was me, holding a gun, pointing it directly against my own forehead. And that's when I knew I needed a gun to protect myself from the gun I was aiming right at me. People say we don't need guns, but it could happen anywhere, at the grocery store, at work. Hell, I could wake up in the middle of the night in my own house and get shot in the head by my own hand. At least now that I have a gun in my other hand, I feel like I can defend myself. I mean, do you really think my gun hand is gonna care if I try and defend myself with a knife? That's why I bought a rifle.
The truth is, I don't wanna use it. And I'm not sure I could ever live with myself if I did. But if I had to, I would. And I would not hesitate one bit. Because it's like they always say, the only way to stop a bad me with a gun is a good me with a gun. And God forbid when that day comes, I'll be ready. |
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