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cracked | why_everybody_wins_if_batman_superman_are_public_domain | Batman and Superman belong to all of us. Culturally, anyway, legally, they belong to this copyright holder, who lent them to this movie studio, who entrusted these three jokers with all Batman, Superman, and Justice League storytelling, even though their stories make us miss the other Ben Affleck superhero movie. And those dudes started shooting two Justice League movies just two and a half weeks after the premiere of Batman v Superman colon Dawn of Justice League trailer footage. So DC Comics is stuck. They're in a Thelma and Louise handheld with the people driving the most famous American superheroes off a cliff.
DC needs to do something drastic. Luckily, the drastic thing is also the right thing. DC Comics should give Batman and Superman back to us. Put them in the public domain, loosen up the trademark, and still make billions of dollars. If DC does that, everybody wins. And DC won't have to keep fighting to win an endless losing copyright battle.
You see, when white guys with syphilis created US copyright law, they said a copyright lasts up to 28 years. But that's not long. And why would our forefathers bother to create Huckleberry Finn, or Uncle Tom's cabin, or whatever porn used to be if they lived to see other people cash in on their work? Future Congress has agreed and passed several laws extending copyrights. By 1976, a copyright lasted 50 years after the author's death. So creators and their mooching kids were set for life. But in 1998, Congress took a break from examining Bill Clinton's wiener to extend that extension. The copyright extension, Bill's in working order. Congress added 20 extra post-mortem years to copyrights. They called it essential to protecting and encouraging the creativity of William Faulkner, George Gershwin, Walt Disney, and other very, very dead people.
In reality, the Disney Corporation didn't want Mickey Mouse, created in 1928, to hit the public domain in 2003. So Disney put in years of lobbying to hang on to him, and it worked.
If it hadn't, Superman would have gone public domain in 2013, and Batman in 2014. That's right, legally. If not for Disney copyright squatting, Batman and Superman would already be like Robin Hood, or Dracula, or Sherlock Holmes, public domain characters who anyone can put in their own original copyrighted story. And if DC Comics wants us to still like Batman and Superman after Zack Snyder is done drowning them in human skulls, NOOOOO! they should give those caped heroes the Sherlock Holmes treatment.
You see, Arthur Conan Doyle is very dead. So Sherlock Holmes, created in 1887, is very public domain. He's so public domain, the Supreme Court affirmed that status two years ago. And that status is why Sherlock Holmes is in everything he can possibly be in.
From a kind of okay, too shadowy Hollywood adaptation that no one actually likes, sound familiar, Zack Snyder? to an internationally successful franchise that teenagers like so much, they now care less about the Man of Steel than they do about this sociopathic pipe smoker. That's the magic of giving a character to as many different creators as possible. The good creators will make something good. And that good stuff keeps the character relevant for future creators making future good stuff and so on and so on. And DC can still make their copyrighted version of a public domain Batman or Superman. And they can turn that copyrighted version into money. DC should know, they already cash in that same way on Sherlock Holmes characters. Sherlock Holmes, Mycroft Holmes, James Moriarty, and a slew of other public domain Victorians starred in DC's The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. An excellent Alan Morigraphic novel series, and a kind of okay, too shadowy Hollywood adaptation that no one actually likes. How does this keep happening? Anyway, DC and Marvel have both done this kind of thing for decades.
Marvel's even charging us infinite money right now for the opportunity to watch their muscular red-caped flying version of a public domain god. Marvel makes bank off this version of Thor, the Norse god of thunder. And they roll in that 3D ticket money without owning this version of Thor, without owning this version of Thor, and without owning the closest thing Thor has to an action comics number one.
Come on, DC, you know there's money in giving some rights to this stuff away. Hell, in the internet age, there's money in giving stuff away, right? Just ask Radiohead, or Amanda Palmer, or anybody else with a digital tip jar. Whereas there's no profit in giving exclusive control of your fun ideas to creators who think those ideas suck.
Like, say, Zack Snyder, who's directed two Superman movies. Even though he openly admits he's so frustrated with the Superman character, he's been excited to murder him for years. And DC let David S. Goyer write the Batman V Superman script. Even though he's openly argued that, quote, Batman versus Superman is where you go when you admit to yourself that you've exhausted all possibilities. So create possibilities, DC Comics.
That's why I'm going to go shoot some test footage for my new Superman idea right now. You know, get ahead of the curve. And sure, I could use the power of the screen screen, you know. But the internet told me this thing where the only legitimate way to make a movie is with 100% practical effects. So. Come on, Batman. Fly along with me.
We need to find Alex Schmidt. He's a real cool dude. And we're going to hang out with him and subscribe to the crack YouTube channel. Because he's cool and I like cool things. Even I'm from an alien planet and I know it's good, you know? |
dropout | bleep_bloop_iron_chef | Welcome to the brand new Bleep Loop World Headquarters. I'm Jeff Rubin here with comedian Jamie Lee and from College Humor Pat Cassels and Brian Murphy. Today we are playing Iron Chef America Supreme Cuisine. I thought since none of us are chefs, you know, we might need a little help.
So I got these plastic accessories for the Wii and they don't actually affect the game play at all. You don't need them to play the game. You know, it just makes your controller vaguely spatula-shaped. Let me see, this looks exactly like the USS Enterprise, which is probably no less logical of a reason to buy it than the reason you actually did buy it.
Tonight, the chairman has prepared for us a death-alarm. Alton Brown looks like after your dummy is going to reveal his robot that's going to destroy the studio. He looks like he has a giant bruise on his head. He looks like Dennis Hopper in the Mario movies. He can't poop on us. Oh, he has Koopa hair.
Who should go first? I mean, I'm the woman and I really need to hold my duties in the kitchen. Right, but also it's a video game. So now what do we do?
Yes. This doesn't feel... I don't feel like I'm learning. Excellent! Yes! Really?
Now we all know how to cook. This doesn't feel like cooking. This seems less fun than cutting an actual cucumber and also I don't have a cucumber to eat. We're going to have a delicious meal printed out of our Wii. They should just call this game Wii Fit for your right arm. That's what I call masturbation.
I did not believe how bad this story looks. I can't believe this looks disgusting. This is the worst looking dish yet.
Which is saying something based on that too. This is the stuff that my aunt makes on Passover that I'm like, no thanks. But what did you do? All she did was make you distribute. This is barf. We made barf and covered it with marijuana.
I wonder why they made all of the characters look like people from Guess Who. Do you remember that? Yeah. Who do you think these locked hitting characters are? Do you think like Goro is back here?
This is the closest this game has come to looking like an actual video game. Like you're kind of attacking monsters right now. It looks like we're just... It's so funny to see these like mundane verbs like done in like this exciting... Flatten! I feel like they should have Iron Chef College version and it's just people like cooking ramen, unwrapping twigs, keeping open a beer can. At least move the squares farther away from the bowl so there's some challenge of dragging the lemon across the screen.
What makes this game particularly bad is just how unsatisfying the ending is. Like, you got 13, you got 12, sorry you lost.
I like how they rate taste. It should just be zero zero because we wouldn't know what it tastes like. They get wrong the parts of cooking that people think are fun. I think you want to be tossing pizza dough or something. And eating. Arguably the most famous American shrimp dish, the classic Scampi, actually refers to the Italian name for a Norwegian lobster. Oh, he's giving me a little food trip here. I thought we were doing this wrong.
So he's very all in brown like. He's annoying. |
dropout | collegehumor_live_tour_2013 | Hey everybody, Jake and Amir here with Street. Holy shit, kill it! College Humor is going on a live tour That's right to eight mystery cities. No, man, not mystery cities. We know where they are.
Now Amir's right, it's one word. Chantour. No, it's one word. I'm saying CH on tour. Oh Chantour! The tour starts November 14th, we hope to see you there.
Oh, damn it. Yeah, are you serious?
Yeah, we have a picnic. You two are having a picnic? Yeah, I have a picnic.
Yeah, cancel it. I already bought the cold cuts, dude |
CrackerMilk | saying_goodbye_to_elias | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of The Crackin' Milk Podcast. That's very good. And today, look, we've had a few budget cuts because of the new place. So, unfortunately, I can only take in one of you. Do you understand? I'll be hosting interviews today to figure out who I'll be taking in. Quick question, is this a paid position? I'm going to be taking points away from you for interrupting me. You haven't even interrupted you.
Do you want to get to level two of this interview? Okay, level two is a measure who can jerk me off better. I want to get to level two. I know you want to get to fucking level two, so let's just commence level one, shall we?
And you are? Hi, I'm Jeremy. Originally, we had Tom Griffin in. He was a 25-year-old male. And Jeremy, you are a 13-year-old boy, it says here.
Yep. Okay, and we've got your likes, hobbies, and interests. And interestingly, under skills, you've written, can always smell like shit? Yep. Okay, why is that? Is it also having their shit pants on command? I think that sort of goes without speaking. Yeah, it goes without speaking. You can do that, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I always smell like shit.
Elias, how are you? Yeah, I'm great. Great, okay.
Let's have a look here. Now, could you just remind me how old you are? 26. Interesting, because it says here you're 37 years old. You might want to check that again. Okay, now, oh my, you've just written that you're 75 years old? Correct. Look, look, I don't want to be ageist or anything, but like if I hire you, you're fucking out the door in like five years, okay?
I think me and Jeremy would be a really great team, because like you'd smell like shit because you'd shit your pants all the time. It's disgusting.
Let's just start off with some questions, okay? Some nice questions here. We're just gonna break the ice a little bit, okay? So let's talk about our hobbies and interests, all right? And how about you start? Elias, what are your hobbies and interests? Well, Jeremy, what are yours?
I love Eminem and I love Aussie hip-hop, hilltop hoods. Anything else you'd like to add?
Digimon. You like Digimon? I'm a fan of Digimon. What's your favorite Digimon, mate?
The digital monster. I also like the digital champion. Interesting, I'll write that down. Digital champion.
I shit my pants. Excellent. Like a baby. I can smell it from a mile away. I really, really love doing interviews with you two. It is just my favorite thing. Now, one of the things that we do here is we look at team building exercises. You guys know what they are, yeah? Where you... Yeah, very good. I'm writing that down. Good points. Open communicator still smells like human shit.
We're gonna have you two make a song together. How does that sound? Sounds pretty, pretty fun. You have 30 seconds to prepare. And then I want to hear you lay the beat for Jeremy and I want to hear Jeremy lay the beat for you and you're going to both have a rap. Do you understand?
I understand. Excellent. All right. Let's do it, guys. 30 seconds. Okay. I've got a rap that I'm going to put down for you. Okay. All right. Let's do it, guys. One, two, three, four.
Hey, it's me, Jeremy. I shit my pants again. That's right. I shit my pants. That's right. I'm a little man. That's right. I'm a little man.
Very, very good. That was excellent. Thanks. Excellent. That was really, really good.
The second verse is about Digimon and the third verse is about Yu-Gi-Oh. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. And your turn. What are this character that you think? One, two, three, four.
My fursona is a camel.
I don't like this. Stop right there. I am not a furry.
I shit my pants every day and I'm not getting bullied. Exactly, Jeremy. Why can't you be more like Jeremy? He shits his pants every day, loves Hilltop Woods, Digimon and Yu-Gi-Oh. Thanks, dad.
I could do all those things if I really wanted to. Do them right now. Did you shit yourself in my goddamn office? Not yet. Would you like me to ask you some questions? Please. Both of you? Yeah.
Jeremy, Tom's friend who is 13. I'm your son. Elias. 75. 75-year-old man. First question is for Jeremy.
What do you think makes a positive work environment? Having a good amount of Aussie hip-hop, a good amount of killer pythons, Alan's killer pythons from the tuck shop, a good amount of meat pies and longer lunch times.
I don't understand why everything you just said had to be an Australian reference when our audience is almost entirely from another country. All right, let me try that again. Let's go again. I think that we need more Boston Red Sox and I love the Red Sox and longer, bigger cafeterias with more tater tots and also a divisive political environment. Thank you. That sounds very, very good and really appealing to a lot of listeners at home. And you can't.
What do you think makes a professional work environment? Well, I think definitely good colleagues to work with. You know, it's just like a happy environment where everyone's positive. You know, you got to make sure that everyone's getting paid equally.
We've got equal rights. We've got, you know, everything. Where's the tater tot? My shit, sod and pants smell better than what you just said. Fuck with equal rights. Well, yeah, I just feel like at the moment, Jeremy's got a lot more rights than I do.
Because no one loves you old man. You're not making it through to level two of the interview. I'm sorry to tell you. I really want to get to level two. I reckon he's got osteoporosis in his cock.
I'll tell you what, I'll give you one more chance, mate. And that's because I respect you. Of course, I'm going to have to ask Jeremy another question. That's okay. Now, Jeremy, I have one more question for you. How are you? I'm good, thanks. Great answer.
I'll write that down. Kill that big nose. Hope he's writing about it. Fuck boy.
All right, Elias, I got to find a question for you, mate. How are you? I'm honestly a little shaken by this interview. Just say you're good, bro. It's just, that's just the common courtesy. But aren't we, this is like an honest interview. You say you're good now.
Why would you say that to me? Because I have MS. That's Parkinson's, you dumb shit.
You're not making it to level two of the interview. You don't get to give me a hand job. Jeremy, the 13 year old boy, congratulations. You've made it to level two, my friend. What happens at level two?
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of the Crackin' Milk podcast. This one was hard. You ever seen that episode of Wallace and Gromit where Gromit's on the train tracks and he's trying to catch the penguin and he's putting the train tracks down as he's doing it. That's his fucking podcast every time, all the time. Hey, I'm Jeremy. Thanks for watching the podcast.
I shit my pants. He does smell like shit. Genuinely his method. He's shit his pants on stream.
Special thanks to our patrons. These ones are beautiful little Jeremy's. Funch of little Jeremy's shitting themselves.
How's that for you? Shove that in your gob, mate. There we go. What a beautiful day. Goodbye, America. Would you like me to ask you some questions? Please. Both of you? Yeah.
Jeremy, Tom's friend who is 13. I'm your son. Elias. 75. 75 year old man. First question is for Jeremy.
What do you think makes a positive work environment? Having a good amount of Aussie hip hop, a good amount of killer pythons, Alan's killer pythons from the tuck shop, a good amount of meat pies, and longer lunch times. I don't understand why everything you just said had to be an Australian reference when our audience is almost entirely from another country.
All right, let me try that again. Let's go again. Yep.
I think that we need more Boston Red Sox and... I love the Red Sox. ...and longer bigger cafeterias with more tater tots and also...
I want to hear you lay the beat for Jeremy and I want to hear Jeremy lay the beat for you and you're going to both have a rap. Do you understand? I understand. Excellent. All right. Let's do it, guys. 30 seconds. Okay. I've got a rap that I'm going to put down for you. Okay. All right. Yep. Let's do it, guys. One, two, three, four.
Hey, it's me, Jeremy. I shit my pants again. That's right. I shit my pants. That's right. I'm a little man. That's right. I'm a little man who does a little shit pants dance.
Very, very good. That was excellent. Thanks. I love Digimon. Excellent. That was really, really good. The second verse is about Digimon and the third verse is about Yu-Gi-Oh. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay.
And your turn. What are these characters that you think? One, two, three, four.
My fursona is a camel.
I don't like this. Stop right there. I am not a furry.
I shit my pants every day and I'm not getting bullied. Exactly, Jeremy. Why can't you be more like Jeremy? He shits his pants every day.
He loves Hilltop Woods, Digimon and Yu-Gi-Oh. Thanks, Dad.
I could do all of those things if I really wanted to. Do them right now. Did you shit yourself in my goddamn office? Not yet. Would you like me to ask you some questions? Please. Both of you? Yeah.
Jeremy, Tom's friend who is 13. I'm your son. Elias. 75. 75-year-old man. First question is for Jeremy.
What do you think makes a positive work environment? Having a good amount of Aussie hip-hop, a good amount of killer pythons, Alan's killer pythons from the tuck shop, a good amount of meat pies and longer lunch times. I don't understand why everything you just said had to be an Australian reference when our audience is almost entirely from another country.
All right, let me try that again. Let's go again.
Yeah, I think that we need more Boston Red Sox and... I love the Red Sox.
And longer, bigger cafeterias with more tater tots and also um, a divide. And really appealing to a lot of listeners at home. And you can't.
What do you think makes a professional work environment? Well, I think definitely good colleagues to work with. You know, it's just like a happy environment where everyone's positive.
You know, you got to make sure that everyone's getting paid equally. We've got equal rights. We've got, you know, everything.
Where's the tater tot?
My shit, sod and pants smell better than what you just said. You fuck with equal rights? Well, yeah, I just feel like... At the moment, Jeremy's got a lot more rights than I do. That's because I shit my pants better than you, old man. That's because no one loves you, old man.
You're not making it through to level two of the interview. I'm sorry to tell you. I really want to get to level two. I'll give you one more chance. I reckon he's got osteoporosis in his cock. I tell you what, I'll give you one more chance, mate.
And that's because I respect you. Of course, I'm going to have to ask Jeremy another question. That's okay. That's understandable. Now, Jeremy, I have one more question for you. Yes, dad. How are you? I'm good, thanks. Great answer. I'll write that down.
Kill that big nose. Fuck boy.
All right, Elias, I've got a final question for you, mate. How are you? I'm honestly a little shaken by this interview. Just say you're good, bro. That's just the common courtesy. But aren't we meant to do this as like an honest interview? Just say you're good now.
Why would you say that to me? Because I have MS. That's Parkinson's, you dumb shit.
You're not making it to level two of the interview. You don't get to give me a hand job. Jeremy, the 13 year old boy. Congratulations. You've made it to level two, my friend. What happens at level two?
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of the Crackin' Milk podcast. This one was hard. You ever seen that episode of Wallace and Gromit where Gromit's on the train tracks and he's trying to catch the penguin and he's putting the train tracks down as he's doing it. That's his fucking podcast every time, all the time. Hey, I'm Jeremy. Thanks for watching the podcast.
I shit my pants. He does smell like shit. Genuinely his method. He's shit his pants on stream.
And anything special thanks to our patrons. These ones are beautiful little Jeremy's. Funky little Jeremy's shitting themselves.
How's that for you? Shove that in your gob, mate. There we go. What a beautiful day. Goodbye, America. And really appealing to a lot of listeners at home. And you, cunt.
What do you think makes a professional work environment? Well, I think definitely good colleagues to work with. You know, it's just like a happy environment where everyone's positive.
You know, you got to make sure that everyone's getting paid equally. We've got equal rights. We've got, you know, everything.
My shit, sod and pants smell better than what you just said. You fuckwit. Equal rights? Well, yeah, I just feel like at the moment, Jeremy's got a lot more rights than I do. That's because I shit my pants better than you. No one loves you, old man.
You're not making it through to level two of the interview. I'm sorry to tell you. I really want to get to level two. I reckon he's got osteoporosis in his cock.
I tell you what, I'll give you one more chance, mate. And that's because I respect you. Of course, I'm going to have to ask Jeremy another question. That's okay. No, Jeremy, I have one more question for you.
Yes, dad. How are you? I'm good, thanks. Great answer. I'll write that down. Kill that big nose. Fuck boy. All right, Elias. Got a final question for you, mate. How are you? I'm honestly a little shaken. Um, by this interview. Uh, you're good, bro, bro. Just it's just, that's just the common courtesy. But this is like an honest interview.
Why would you say that to me? Because I have MS. That's Parkinson's, you dumb shit.
You're not making it to level two of the interview. You don't get to give me a hand job. Jeremy, the 13 year old boy. Congratulations. You've made it to level two, my friend. What happens at level two?
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of the Cracker Milt podcast. This one was hard. You ever seen that episode of Wallace and Gromit, where Gromit's on the train tracks and he's trying to catch the penguin and he's putting the train tracks down as he's doing it. That's this fucking podcast every time, all the time. Hey, I'm Jeremy. Thanks for watching the podcast.
I shit my pants. He does smell like shit. Genuinely his method. He's shit his pants on stream.
And anything special. Thanks to our patrons. These ones are beautiful little Jeremy's. Funky little Jeremy's shitting themselves. How's that for you? Shove that in your gob, mate.
There we go. What a beautiful day. Goodbye, America. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_208_Rebekha_Sharkie_Centre_Alliance | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates new Decode series, where we break down, we decipher and of course, decode a lot of the jargon, a lot of the assumed knowledge that exists within the Canberra bubble. We don't really like that term because it's usually used to discuss political issues, legislation and scandals that the politicians would prefer. We don't know about if you refer to something as a Canberra bubble issue. It implies that it's of no interest to the common people. And that's what this podcast aims to kind of break down is the fact that actually we're paying everyone down there and we should know exactly what's going on. And maybe some of the language being used by both our media and politicians is intentionally exclusive and intentionally confusing.
We've had a lot of success so far. We've had a lot of people emailing in saying they're really learning a lot and actually suggesting some topics or some interview guests. Now, we've gone right around the political spectrum. We've interviewed Libs. We've interviewed Labour candidates, the major parties. We've interviewed a few independent candidates.
Some Nats.
A bloke from Melbourne who likes to beat the tambourine in his spare time. He's the member for Melbourne. Oh, yeah. Adam Bandt, leader of the Greens. And today we're going to mix it up and actually interview an independent of sorts who isn't a candidate, who actually has been elected, previously elected twice, I will say, if you include a by-election.
And we kind of want to talk about the politics that surround today's guests from South Australia, because as we know, South Australia and Adelaide specifically is Petuta's closest capital city. Yeah, it's the closest capital city to Broken Hill. And as the crow flies, we'd be better off getting a doctor's appointment to see a specialist in Adelaide, because it really is somewhat of a rural hub. And for that reason, we've had some interesting politics coming out of there, much like Queensland. There always seems to be a third force in Queensland, be that One Nation or the Catters. And South Australia and Adelaide has always been very similar in that regard. Maybe it's because the people of South Australia don't feel represented by the New South Wales and Victorian headquarters, engine rooms of the major parties.
Can't imagine why. Or maybe it's because they are just people that are capable of critical thought.
All that and more we'll find out today. Thank you for joining us, Rebecca Sharkey. Thank you for having me. I'm very excited. Now, the first thing I want to ask Rebecca Sharkey, do you consider yourself a independent or do you consider yourself a member of a party? Yeah, good question.
Look, I'm in Central Alliance. I'm the only one running this election. Sterling Griff finishes his term on the 30th of June, and he's chosen to go under his old running mate, Nick Xenophon. So in that sense, I'm the only one. So, you know, a bit like Jacqui Lambie, she's the only one in her party that's elected. The interesting thing about Central Alliance is that we always allowed each other, so Sterling Griff and myself, to vote as we see fit. So we never really had any party line votes on on any particular issues. So, you know, I like to think of myself as just representing Mayo. And that's my entire focus.
So just looking at a list of places in South Australia with a population of over 50,000, there's only one. I mean, it's it's Adelaide. And it was Paul Keating who said that if you're not living in Sydney, then you're camping out. Can you say the same thing about South Australia, where if you're not living in Adelaide, you're just living at camp?
Oh, no, no. Look, we think up here that we're the center of the world. We have a mayor that refers to Mount Barker, which is one of my main regional centers. In fact, you know, the fastest growing regional center in South Australia, she says we're in God's country here. So I have a couple of significant regional centers in my electorate that are very fast growing, one being Victor Harbor, the other being Mount Barker.
But Adelaide's European settlement and urbanization is very, very long. It really stretches a long way north and south because of geography, because we have the belt of the hills. So I have a very long electorate as well as Kangaroo Island.
So, you know, we think we're the center of them. We grow everything.
So, you know, if the people of Adelaide want to drink water, it comes from the Adelaide Hills. And if they want to eat or drink wine or even, I would say, like gin, it all comes from my electorate.
Now, it is interesting how you kind of compared the way you sit within your framework, your party, I guess you could say, to Jacqui Lambie, because Jacqui is one of those kind of political figures that has come from a party. And like so many of the people that kind of exist in our political system, you know, in the same way Jacqui does, she's left the party, she got elected, she stood for what she stood for and clashed with her party and ditched Clive Palmer. So that's one thing we can thank Clive Palmer for is giving us Jacqui Lambie, I guess.
A lot of people have done it with One Nation. Pauline manages to get a whole lot of people elected and then they immediately roll on her. Some within minutes are being sworn in.
How do you, in the Centre Alliance, manage what you said before, this broad church? Because the Liberals claim to be a broad church, but as we know, they're plagued at the moment by captain's calls and you actually aren't allowed to have your own opinion. And crossing the floor is the ultimate betrayal. Labour Party just do not allow it. You've got to toe the party line and that's how it is.
And you seem to be in this, I guess you could say what many would view as unrealistic scenario where you guys are allowed to have your own opinions. What is it that brings you together and how have you not fallen to pieces? Well, look, we just made it work and I think it requires a degree of maturity where you can agree to disagree. And if you feel particularly passionate about something, you can vote with your conscience. I mean, we tried very hard through the years to have a consensus and I would say we had that on 99% of the issues but it was no issue if we didn't because you've got to get up and work the next day and work with each other. And I think, you know, cohesively, we had Rex in the team as well and I still work well with Rex now. I kind of see myself not only in the party, but also in the parliament as really in many ways, I guess, a bit of a Switzerland of the parliament, just try and work as well as you can with everyone and work out what you have in common with them, whether it's the government or Bob, Hatter or Andrew Wilkie, it's often more in common than you think. So you just try and work together on the issues that you both care about. Even George Christensen and I work together on a couple of issues.
Well, if you are the Switzerland of Parliament House and you're definitely the ones who are hiding all of Bob Hatter's gold that he finds. Tell you what. Just moving forward to this election coming up, what are some of the biggest issues that the people of Mayo are bringing to the table this time around? To you in the streets, what are they telling you?
Well, I had the oldest electorate by median age in South Australia, one of the oldest in the nation. So aged care, not just this election, but for really two elections has been something that I have, and really both parliaments have been something that I have worked very hard on. I hold seniors expos and I've taken policies to the parliament, one of which was adopted last time by Labor, that being a dental voucher system for seniors. And I've pushed very, very hard on aged care for many, many years on a range of issues around transparency, capping the fees, just trying to really stop the rorting in aged care.
So that's a really big issue in my community. We're a regional community. So regional issues around the cost of petrol was a huge issue. And obviously the government did some work on that in the budget. And because we have a lot of parts of the electorate that are very prime for Airbnb, we have a huge rental vacancy issue. And so cost of housing is very big issue in May.
So you're at war with big tech. Is that what you're telling us? No, no, not at all. No, no, well you've got the good people at Tesla.
They put a big nine volt battery out in the desert and that's what keeps Adelaide alight at night. They did in South Australia. I would like to see big tech pay a lot more in tax, corporate tax in Australia.
But some of the issues in my community, we were a safe seat for so long. So upgrading our infrastructure has been a big priority for my electorate. Spiritual home of the downer, isn't it? The electorate of Mayo. I do like that you said, because we were such a safe seat for so long, we have very poor infrastructure. Yeah, well yeah, it's almost like every national's seat in Victoria and in New South Wales. I mean, every hospital there is completely buggered until that seat becomes marginal. Well, that's what we've found in Mayo and we've been able to really draw the nation's attention.
When I first ran in 2016, this will be my fourth election. I've been really fortunate to be reelected three times.
You know, when I first ran a local hospital here that essentially had at that time a catchment of more than 50,000 people, didn't even have a doctor overnight, let alone an emergency department. So we've been able to get a lot of that really important social and health infrastructure happening in the community. But when you have an area like my area that's also fast growing, you're also trying to retrofit all of this. So it's been a lot of work and we've just had the state election, we've just had a commitment from the now state labor government for more health infrastructure, record spending that's never happened before.
Back in 2016, election night and you know, every previous election night, nobody knew where Mayo was, nobody cared. It never featured as one of those seats on election night until 2016.
That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to actually make us matter. You flipped it. Now I wanna talk about that because I wanna talk about your kind of background politically. My research tells me you dipped your toes in a few different kind of movements.
Would it be correct in saying the Australian Democrats wooed you in high school? Well, I don't know if they necessarily wooed me but they certainly needed some volunteers and in high school, year 12, I was doing politics.
I think it was the first year it was a matric subject. I mean, that's how old I am. It's called matric then. And I thought, excellent, there's an election on. I'm gonna make that my focus. I was living just outside of Mayo in the state of Kingston and Janine Haynes was running. So a Democrat from the Senate, I thought this is really exciting. I've got to get to know this.
And I wrote to all of the candidates including the sitting member and Janine was the only one who really got back to me. I received a letter from a candidate, one of the candidate's volunteers from the liberals in wonderful copper plate writing, basically telling me I was a foolish young girl to think of anything other than the major parties. And I thought, well, hey, look, this lady doesn't have a lot of people supporting her. So I thought, well, I'll help her out and had to have to vote cards. But I never joined the party, but it sort of intrigued me.
And then we had, when I moved into Mayo, we had John Schuman run in the 90s, John Schuman of red gum fame. And he nearly knocked off Alexander Downer then. And so I guess it was always in the back of my mind. I think if, you know, a few hundred people had changed their vote, he would have been elected. Who was he running for? He was running for the Democrats. So we do have that, you know, centre ground, sort of, I guess you could say small L liberal idea of thinking, you know, socially progressive, but also considering, you know, physically conservative or having some restraint there, responsible, I guess is a better term. Well, it's almost like to join the Democrats way back in the day, you had to have quite a left field name.
Like you go back to the founder, you know, you've got one who sounds like he's an ad man, darn chip. And then you go from there to Cheryl Kerner to Natasha Stop the Shboyer. It's a real collection. They certainly didn't sound like Alexander Downer. No, and then you've got absolute tongue twisters like Andrew Bartlett, I think, yeah.
I should have told them about my middle name. My middle name's Che after Che Guevara, so.
Oh, okay. Right.
Yeah, I had quite hippy musical parents. I want to discuss that because your family history kind of became a nationwide snooze story during the 2017 Australian parliamentary eligibility crisis. You'd be forgiven with, you know, those rounded South Australian vows to think that you were born in England. In fact, you were? I was. I came out with my parents as a one-year-old back in 19, end of 1973.
So going back to the 2017-18 by-election, I'd filled out all my paperwork long before the election was called back in 2016, sent it off to England. I charged my credit card a whopping amount of money to renounce my citizenship virtually immediately, put it to one side, didn't think about it again, because back then the precedent was essentially, you know, do your best efforts to renounce. And then it was the change in the Katie Gallagher High Court decision that made it not about doing, you know, your best efforts, but actually prior to, I think the writs being issued, that you received your paperwork back. So it came back before the actual 2016 election date, but it didn't come back before the writs were issued. So I really thought, you know, it's fine, I've got my paperwork back. I think it must've, my credit card must've been charged and it must've just, you know, sat on some bureaucrat's desk in England and then they maybe went on holiday, went to Mallorca or something for the summer, who knows.
And we had to do it all over again. So, you know, I borrowed my dad's old Magna and started again.
So were you considered, I mean, South Australia was a big kind of landing place for 10 pound palms. Would have you been part of that wave? You and your family? Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
That's why I think it costs more for my parents to get the train from Torquay, where I was living, where I was born in England, up to London than it cost to get to Australia. I was free. Yeah, they had that big 36 hour plane flight. Dad thought he'd impress Australia and, you know, dressed up in a suit and landed in Darwin in the middle of December.
And it took him a little while cause mum's American, but I'm not entitled to citizenship there. She left America before you had to be there post 14 for five years. So not entitled to, I just need to put that out there, not entitled to American citizenship. Don't want to go through that whole bi-election thing again. Well, I don't imagine they'd want you with a middle name like that.
No, that's exactly right. Well maybe now. I don't know what they were thinking. My sister shares the same middle name actually.
And so yeah, we arrived in Australia and we stayed at a place called Pennington Hostel. That's where all the migrants were put together. And they drove us out North to Elizabeth on a bus and said, you know, this is where you'll live.
And dad just thought, oh God, there's a lot of ponds here. I can't come here to get away from the ponds. So we settled down South and, you know, they had no idea what they were coming to at all. Mum being American, looked at the map of Australia, looked at the lakes at the top of South Australia and thought it would be a bit like her home, you know, Lake Erie, Michigan Lake, but yeah, best place in the world.
Can you tell me a little bit more about that experience? Because you know, we get chisel, we get a lot of great Australian music coming out of your countrymen, your- And Holden's too, they all came from Elizabeth. Elizabeth, yeah. What was it like? That idea that they're kind of transplanting the working class of England to Australia, it worked out for some, some got elected to parliament, some played professional sport, some got involved in business, but a lot of people didn't break that cycle of poverty. Can you kind of tell us what you learned from that experience, you know, when representing people?
Because I imagine, you know, you've got some nice places in Mayo, you've got a lot of people that are being tormented by the lovely views and Airbnb, but I imagine like a lot of regional Australia, you see a lot of people that are living in poverty, kids that don't have shoes, kids that don't have heaters at home and they come in all shapes, sizes and colours. Look, we do, we certainly have pockets of hardship across my electorate. We have a lot of older people that are renting, particularly a lot of older women, older single women. We have a lot of young families and then on the very, you know, far peripheral parts of Mayo, where rent is a little bit cheaper, you get a lot of people that move to those areas, but become really isolated and we don't have a very good public transport system. We are a regional electorate and we do have it in some parts, but other parts we don't and so people become really quite isolated.
I think I'm really fortunate that while I didn't grow up in Elizabeth, I grew up in a community very similar called Hackham down in the south and Hackham East Primary School. You know, my parents had three mortgages on a little house. You know, I remember my dad would work in the daytime. He worked for Michelin's and then he worked for Mitsubishi in a factory and at nights on weekdays, he was a security guard and then on the weekends, he's a drummer. So, and that's what he did in England full time and so he would, and I would go along if they couldn't get a babysitter because my mum was working nights in aged care and put three chairs together under the tables in the pubs and go to sleep. You know, it's this four, five year old kid because we didn't know anyone here in Australia back then.
The good thing from that is, I can fall asleep anywhere. Yeah, you must be a great traveler here. You're a really good traveler. A plane is the one you want. That's the one you want. Haven't fallen asleep in parliament, haven't done a Clive Palmer, but I can, I can nod out, it's a superpower.
So I guess it's given me an understanding and empathy of, you know, counting every dollar and for many years I was also a single parent and so aside from working daytime, I also used to work nights helping out a friend and she had a catering business just to make ends meet. Do you then find yourself in this world where you're surrounded by people who, a lot of people haven't really wanted for much in their lives, you know? A lot of people haven't really had to work too hard.
They've all got the story. They've all got the, you know, I pulled beers for six months at Sydney Uni Manning Bar.
How do you communicate some of these experiences and some of your, I guess, intuition to people that honestly think poverty is a result of smoking bongs and not wanting to get up off your arse? Yeah, that's difficult because poverty is complex. Getting out of poverty is incredibly difficult.
Prior to being a member of parliament, I was, and actually what got me so cranky, I ran was, I was the national executive officer for a program called Youth Connections and when Tony Abbott came in, he cut the program and that was a brilliant program and I was, you know, all around Australia. It was about re-engaging young people around back into education because education's the key to it all. So I've been part of a number of committees in the parliament.
Russell Broadbent has done a lot of work with respect to this area and really what we're seeing now is that a job seeker is so low that it is incredibly difficult if you are long-term on job seeker to actually get a job and I think we need to do a lot more around providing people with proper support, not just a job active provider who each one of those consultants has upwards of 250 clients each, you know. I mean, that's not really meaningfully supporting somebody. If you're living in your car and you've got your kids with you and you know, you don't have front teeth and you know, you haven't had a haircut for three years, it's really hard to expect somebody to pull themselves up by their bootstraps to make it happen for themselves and so we are seeing in Australia, I think, an enormous amount of real need and in my community, we have a number of community organizations that provide emergency food. It's just skyrocketed the amount of people that are looking there for sport and people who have never, ever done that before. So I think we need to have a very good look at this whole space and the worst area is, and this was a labor initiative, is when they put single parents, that change from when the child is eight years old for the parent to go from the single parent payment to job seeker, significantly dropping the amount of income and you can't leave an eight year old at home, you know, on school holidays. Kids are at their most expensive for eight years of age, aren't they? I feel like before that, you can kind of get away with one costume, one outfit. Yeah, it's interesting you say that, I'm guessing it was Abbott's razor budget, 2014, was what kicked you into gear when he decided that kids didn't need to be educated in rural South Australia.
Was there anything else? Were there any other factors?
I mean, I've read that you did work as a Liberal staff. You never went as far as becoming a member of the Liberal Party. I wasn't an MP and I didn't join the party for years until there was a lot of concern that there were leaks happening because I always thought joining the Liberal Party was kind of an affront to liberalism, but I was a member for a couple of years.
But by 2012, I kind of had enough of all of that. So I quit the job, quit being part of the party and then went and worked in the youth space. There were a lot of things in that 2014 budget that were pretty terrible. There was plans for six months on, six months off youth allowance. It was a real war against young people and that really fired me up.
Was there any other reasons why you didn't go for Liberal pre-selection or were there any other reasons why you didn't just be the Liberal candidate? I mean, you've been elected three times as not the Liberal candidate. They often provide a lot of resources.
Well, I thought about it. I had a senior Liberal person say to me, look, you'd be really good. And it was someone I worked really closely with. And so I went and talked to, you know, someone senior in the party. I was a woman and they said to me, look, you know, you're a single parent.
I'm really not sure that you're what we're looking for. Oh my God. So I thought, you know what, you're right. You're absolutely right, I'm not. Cause I didn't go to the right schools and I didn't come from the right suburbs. And I thought, that's fine. No, I didn't have the right last name for mayor. And that's okay.
Look, I am eternally grateful for the candid nature of that conversation. And I got right out of politics up to that. And it was that budget that drew me back in. Yeah, I just want to touch on just quickly before we go.
Until the 2020 bushfires, there were a lot of people in Queensland that didn't really expect to know that Kangaroo Island was a real place. But as we learned half the Island burned in the bushfires and other parts of the country, the response from the federal government especially has been quite lackluster. I just want to know if it's any different in Mayo. Look, I think we have been quite well supported by the federal government with respect to bushfire recovery in Kangaroo Island. Obviously people would like a lot more resources, but I think even just in the latest round of bushfire recovery money, we've been able to build back better in many aspects. And I had bushfires at both ends of my electorate. So yes, Kangaroo Island, but also the Adelaide Hills had a huge fire scar, many, many homes burnt.
It was a really challenging time and it still continues to be making sure that we've got the supports right at both ends of the electorate. And then we had an enormous community response with respect to the bushfire. Getting blaze aid in here was something that myself and the state member, Dan Cregan, worked hard together to make phone calls to find a footy club that was willing to host people. And we've had an enormous outpouring of amazing response from the community. It kind of made it particularly difficult during COVID because then much of the nation's focus went to COVID while we were still really working on fencing and the nuts and bolts of getting food and fodder to animals. So it's a scar in both places that will sit with our community for many, many, many years to come. And it was, but I'd like to say as members of parliament at a state level, working with the government, you know, the Prime Minister came to Kangaroo Island. He also came up to the top part of my electorate as well, as well as David Littleproud and continuing that connection in and that support in my community. It's been a very difficult road, but step-by-step we're getting there and it's healing. The Prime Minister's done his part and he's kept in contact and he hasn't gone missing.
Are they still coming for you? How do you feel about this election? Are they, is there a bit of a win back Mayo campaign or? Yeah, just gone the way of Warringah, I think down in Sydney where they've just conceded that that one's gone to Zali for the next 30 years.
I think you just can't be complacent. I mean, you are up against a party machine and we don't have a lot of resources. I never have, you know, I mean, probably the by-election was the worst one cause I didn't have a car either. So I was, yeah, driving around in the electric blue magnet and although it's quite noticeable on the road, but look, you're always up against a machine and of course they'd like to win back Mayo. And I kind of see myself as sort of putting myself out there on a dart board to make us matter. And that's what I did in 2016 and that's what I've done ever since. Cause if you're marginal, that's politics. You are in the mix and you get noticed. And I don't think there's a member of parliament now that doesn't know where Mayo is.
And that was the whole point. Okay, that's exciting.
And we'll finish with a question about your, is it goat milking expertise or? Back-to-back champion, I'll have you know, but I will say though, that this is for the Mount Barker show and they're much harder to milk than a cow cause you know, they're so low to the ground, but it is the celebrity goat milking that I've won twice. So I haven't been up against real goat milkers, but yeah, do you have those ribbons and I, they're really beautiful, big fat satin sashes and it's the only sashes I've ever won.
I wore it like I was Miss America.
And what are your predictions for the election? I mean, we interviewed Labour, we interviewed Liberal, no one really wants to say anything. They certainly don't want to be called out afterwards. Except for Adam Bandt who's like, we're gonna have the balance of power. Yeah, Adam Bandt thinks they're taking 18 seats or whatever. What are your predictions? I mean, you just told us that you're working, you can't be complacent with your own seat, but I'm just thinking the general election, what are you seeing happening? So I think we might see a couple more, a bit of a swelling of the cross bench. I think, even if two of the new candidates get up and win, that is huge.
I mean, it's incredibly difficult to win a seat from being an independent or being in a minor party, cause it's all stacked against you. You don't have money for postal vote applications or all of that stuff. I think that we'll see a shaving off of seats from the government, but most of their more marginal seats have got a bit of fat in them. Whereas a lot of the Labour seats that are marginal are really, really quite marginal.
So I think it's gonna be a seat by seat battleground. I don't know, I don't know. I could kind of see it falling either way.
It'll really depend on what happens on the eastern seaboard. I mean, there's more seats south of Sydney than there are in all of South Australia. And I don't spend a huge amount of time on the eastern seaboard, so.
Are you getting on with your new premier? Yeah, yeah, Peter Melanoscis is, I've known him for quite some time. And I now need to make sure that the promises that he made that sit within my federal electorate are delivered. So I kind of have a no wrong door policy. So I like to harass both the federal ministers as well as the state ones. I think it's gonna be an exciting time. They've decided against running another downer against you. That didn't work out too well, did it? It sounds like you're gonna be busy rounding up this prime minister, this new premier, and of course, winning an election for the, this'll be the fourth. Number four, yes, hopefully, fingers crossed, yeah.
Elections, they're always really stressful. The best thing about an election campaign is that they're a good weight loss opportunity. I normally lose a few kilos, so that's a silver lining. I can't imagine I would, I can't imagine I would having to visit every cafe and every sausage sizzle at every ballot. But I guess you're on the move quite a lot. I do not envy the lack of sleep you're gonna have over the next six weeks.
Just lastly, what does the framework look like? Is this all donations from the community or has Nick Xenophon managed to get secret high society Barossa douche money coming your way? So Nick's doing his own thing and he's gonna be running below the line in the Senate so he's not backing the party that he created and he wanted to run independently, fair enough. And I have lots of small donations.
We'll be doing a quiz night, I think. We normally do a quiz night and a few other little things. We've had a ukulele concerts in the past. We kind of do things a little different in May. Yeah, sounds like fun anyway.
Do part of you feel like ABC's Total Control was kind of inspired a little bit by you or do you think that's more Jackie Lambie? I haven't watched it. I've had a couple of people who've emailed me and tell me that I remind them of one of the characters. So I do need to watch it. I don't get a lot of time to watch television but it's on the list to watch. And you'll have even less time in the next six weeks. I kind of have to sort of wrestle the television for my husband with his seven mate channel that he just loves. So, you know, leave him to it.
Thank you for joining us today, Rebecca Sharkey. All the best with the campaign. And also thanks for, we heard you're a big reader. Thank you for picking up the tutorisms over Christmas.
Oh no, you actually signed it. Look at this. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah.
Well, you are one of our closest neighbours down there. Thank you. Thank you very much. |
TheOnion | Patriotic_Teen_Fails_Spanish | This is the Onion News Network better news better viewers As soon as Kyle Johnson heard about his school's policy of requiring students to take a foreign language to graduate He knew it was un-american, you know, I just basically thought Spanish sucked. What's the point? I'm American. I speak American Rather than go along with the policy Kyle began boycotting his Spanish homework and leaving his tests blank Kyle also lost one of his Spanish textbooks and bravely spilled a mountain dew all over another Do you see yourself? Following in the footsteps of great Americans like Thomas Paine or Paul Revere Yeah, totally. I've never heard of those guys, but I'm not gonna do any Spanish shit and no one's gonna make me but like many other patriots throughout history Kyle's views did not always make him popular His classmates dismissed him as obnoxious and a moron His teacher even punished him for his principled stand against Spanish How did you find the strength to keep going when people tried to silence your message? You know, I don't really care what they think like they're a bunch of faggots so they can all blow me Rather than be forced to learn a foreign language on American soil Kyle eventually stopped going to Spanish class entirely and Courageously began spending that time in the convenience store parking lot down the street from his school Trying to convince homeless people to buy him cigarettes Kyle everyone at the Onion News Network We're so inspired by your patriotic fight that we actually created a petition against your Spanish teacher over 80,000 viewers signed it due to that extreme pressure Your school was forced to fire Senorita Miller today really That's awesome She sucks Thank you, Kyle Johnson for reminding us that it's not just our troops who are fighting every day for our freedom From beyond the facts. I'm Jean Ann Wharton |
SaturdayNightLive | festive_thanksgiving_snl | Prithee, Master Parker, Such an abundance of berries, rabbit, and fowl. Twas no trouble, Master Alexander. the woods were rife with bounty. what's keeping the Wampanoag tribe? the turkey is getting cold deep within. they come from the non with Master John. I see them approach through a young thicket.
Hi ho, everybody. the party starts now. we've got corn. corn? what in creation is corn? Well, it's only the most genius food ever. it's nutritious, it's decorative.
And how much do I love the shape? Are you with me? Now, back to my point. I came to the end of the path, and hello.
It's the most beautifully rustic, shabby chic Indian village I've ever laid eyes upon. I mean, they had gone all out with the dramatic use of lumber, bark, sod, animal skins, swags of animal skins, as doors. can we stick to the corn, Master John? it's Jonathan, and don't rush me. Okay, so here I am, in the middle of paradise, surrounded by half-naked gorgeous people with flawless caramel skin.
What a body to die for. And I'm thinking, did I eat poison berries because I cannot breathe? that's when he put it in my mouth. the corn! what are you thinking, goody-gutter mind? Anyway, as usual, I swallowed the corn. you're working on my last nerve. So anyway, I'm eating this corn stuff, which happens to be my favorite color, maize, which later I learned means corn, mind-blower, huh? Now that we've been enlightened more than anyone ever should about the corn, may we all sit down and say a blessing of thanks. that's a good idea. very good idea.
My God, Goody Alvin, where in the world did you get that new bonnet? Oh, I stitched it myself. You go, goody. you wear that bonnet. those stitches are so even, it looks like you stole it off of Goody Parker's dead corpse.
Oh, where did that come from, Jonathan? that was shady. I'm so sorry, low blood sugar makes me into an uber bitch. It's okay, Jonathan. we're accustomed to how you are.
Shall we say grace and enjoy the wonderful blessings of this bountiful feast? Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, please. excuse me, but what is that? Please do Not tell me that that's the centerpiece. Who is responsible for this shipwreck? Oh, great, great. the first feast with the natives is being designed by Goody One Foot in the grave. somebody, please scoot that sorry ass arrangement over here before I have an episode. Thank you. Here, hold that.
Is Master Jonathan courting anyone? No, I believe he's a confirmed bachelor. Do you think people are born confirmed bachelors, or choose it because it seems like fun? I think it is predestined from birth. by the way, me with him, but me, not with him, with him.
Okay, here we go. that's better. Now, what I was going for with the peacock feathers was to bring the eye upward so you don't notice the ale stains on the tablecloth. we should partake of the turkey before it drieth out. let's bow our heads as Master Allison says grace. Dear Lord in heaven, thank you for the nourishing bounty before us. And? the fellowship we share. And? the beautiful centerpiece, Jonathan. Thank you. Okay, I think we should do this every year. we can call it the Glamtastic Babu Turkey Gala. don't you think? why don't we just call it Thanksgiving? Fine, be boring. let's eat. would one of you sweaty brutes please pull my meat? Oh, sweetheart, deliver us.
Off the turkey.
I'm so over you people. |
dropout | weak_sauce | We keep the color, then take out the flavor. Then we drizzle it all over your chicken or steak. The texture is gross, and it doesn't compliment the meat at all. It doesn't totally ruin our meal, but it certainly doesn't help. It's like they dump this steak in my grandma's bath water. Is that mayo, corn syrup, and dust? We're putting the meaty in mediocrity. It's like a ratty old wool blanket for my food. If chickens could talk, they'd say, fine, kill me, just don't serve me with that sauce.
For the next month, all entrees come with our signature lame cake. So what are you waiting for? Take your next fajita or burger down a few notches with G Joe's Weak Sauce. |
TheOnion | How_Much_Credit_Does_The_Sitting_President_Deserve_For_The_Tides | U.S. presidents often take credit for solving complex issues with many moving parts, whether they deserve that credit or not. But how much impact can a sitting president really have on the tides? We all know that presidents like to take credit for the undulations of the briny deep when it suits them, that is and we Americans are quick to blame whoever is in power for the multitudinous seas. During Eisenhower's administration in the 1950s, citizens took to the streets to protest his inability to harness the unruly waves. But Ike shifted blame for the tides that year onto a heron that had recently been born with a raven's head. In campaigns, both candidates usually emphasize the effect they'll have on the tides. And a lot of times, it works. Polls show that 40 percent of Trump supporters voted for the president simply because they thought he would tame the ocean by warding off the trickster coyote god who wants to steal the moon. But the truth is, when a president is in office, there's only so much he can do. Sure, the president can bring an amulet with the eye of Horus to the top of the tallest peak, or spread lamb's blood on the base of an elm tree during a lunar eclipse. But there are plenty of other factors outside of the White House that have a more profound effect on the tides, like whether a parliament of owls flies south in daylight after a flood. In reality, it's hard for anyone to know with true certainty how the tides will play out under any administration. |
dropout | hybrid_animals_the_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan and today As suggested by our good friend whoop whoop whoop whoop. We are drawing some hybrid animals. Whoop whoop is my best friend That's what everyone says Hey, is that guy coming down the street? It's whoop whoop.
He's my best friend He's got a big old candy pile. He's my best friend.
It's whoop whoop It goes on like that and then there's a clapping part that I can't do cuz I'm you know, I'm holding a stylus I'll do it No, it's more of like I got yeah, you got it No, no, no, no, no, it's more like one of those like clap clap clap kind of deals. Oh I think we I think we learned different loop web songs. Yeah, we got a different camps. It's that's yeah Well, there's like a lot of I mean you you went to a Jewish camp So I mean there might be like different variations there. I'm just saying I mean I did It's true, it's true. Uh-huh. That's what we clap differently there. I guess I It's just a cultural thing.
So it looks like nothing wrong with it. Looks like you're drawing a it's like a snail shell Yes, it's a snail shell. That's but these are hybrid animals. That's not a that's not a snail inside of there It certainly is not I don't have big smiley mouths. No with teeth. I'm drawing so I'm drawing an orca snail Yeah, yeah, I thought that'd be pretty I thought that'd be pretty fun and turns out I was right fun fact Orcas. Yeah are actually Dolphins really that's what someone commented and time we drew orcas and said they were whales Uh-huh dolphins and whales were sort of like almost like cousins.
Yeah.
Well, mm-hmm It's like is it like how koala bears aren't bears Is it that's oh, no, I don't know. I don't know man. Is it like I don't think that's I think it's Cuz I like how muffins are also cupcakes, but like worse. Yeah, it's it's more like that That's what I think is. Yeah, I think I nailed it that time. They're not work They're I mean, they're worse.
Yeah, you can you can eat them for breakfast. Yeah every day You get to just be like I'm having I'm having cake I'm having cake for breakfast today. Just scream that out.
It's a muffin in the kitchen. It's a muffin though.
I'm having cake Just like just trying to get someone to stop you I'm in here. Hey, I'm doing it mom. Mom. I'm having cake.
You're You're in your 30s. You're in your 30s.
You live you live alone If you want to have cake just have cake, you don't need to disguise it as a muffin. Listen, no Don't drag us into your bad life Sir, sir, sir, please leave this Starbucks Take your muffin. It's not a muffin. It's cake I'm in control of my life.
Somebody call this man's mother And then they do and that's how every morning goes. That's how I mean, that's how you get to work That's that's what being an adult is like. It's true. Yes being a don't know but the so I've heard it's basically just screaming You you kind of like proclaim loudly what you're doing and You get that you're doing it because you are an adult and that you're making decisions you get your Bluetooth headset I'm making decisions and then you yell into it about buying and selling. Yeah, and You know, I do a lot of that And and how and how you you don't have time for this for this nonsense what another thing that's good to do is to like get a call and then wait a minute and then be like Jesus Christ Darryl or like Oh Donald you're really fucking me on this one Darryl Donald Yeah, you are you guys in cahoots? You guys double the name isn't important.
You're giving it some extra fins. Yeah, I mean, this is like a full This is like a hybrid. So does this guy live in the water or is it sort of hovering using some sort of Some magic. I think it's water hybrid qualities. Yeah, I think it's he's a water water based Okay, but it doesn't have the closure the cool dorsal fin.
Oh Of course dorsal fluke. Yeah, I'm gonna fluke is it. I almost forgot that would have been a fluke is I got that drawing Yeah, that's right.
Oh, yeah, it's my show. I can say that I'm gonna do it Should it go? Yeah, okay. Oh, you know what?
I'm gonna I'm gonna do full like oh, you're gonna double door So you're gonna double door. Wow did double door.
So that is that is gonna be tough That's a tough act to follow Caldwell. This is a uh-huh. This is an adorable terrifying. I think yeah hybrid animal I think yours is a little more Straightforward. Mm-hmm.
Well might well you'll see you'll see I got some bubbles. That's all you that's how you know It's underwater. It's true cuz I'm bubble. We've been over this also has like, you know, I guess it wouldn't have slime So probably just you know, at least like a gross like a yeah, like like a silk trail an algae Loom, yeah, I just say an algae bloom. I said an algae bloom.
That's one. That's beautiful.
I was an elf in a movie Then I got to be an elf again In in another movie, oh man our our Orlando bloom accents are on point Our land our Lando bloom accents are on point. Perfect. Good Man, if people have been in several movies is oh All right Huh?
I want to add some dots to the shelf because that's my because I'm a vain person. I bet you do Let's do that. Oh, those are some dots. Yeah, what's one dots on there dots on dots on dots I was ready to say those are some dots assuming you would have drawn multiple dots by the time I got it out My mouth. Nope, but you would only draw one.
I tricked you That was embarrassing. I threw you for a goddamn loop.
See this isn't rehearsed guys Friends internet who's who's out there being like oh, this is rehearsed. This is clearly scripted they could not be coming up with this Hilarious banter who is like who's who the conspiracy theorists out there that think that they believe that who are they they're right I'm reading off a teleprompter right now. Well, yeah Wait, it's the teleprompter in my heart though, man Think about it You just keep contradicting yourself.
I don't know. I don't really know what to do with any of the beauty of wife Okay, life is full of contradictions man. All right. So is it my turn? Yeah, why don't you get it? No, thanks So, what are you gonna draw?
Um I'm gonna draw see this I'm cheating because I'm taking another suggestion that yeah, it falls under the hybrid animal Category you remember who suggested this I do it was Demetrius Calpis Demetrius Calpis. I'm sure I'm pronouncing that right. That's a legal term, right? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I find you in contempt of Demetrius Calpis in violation of Demetrius Calpis, of course I'm gonna be drawing the plot of the the new Robert Downey jr. Movie the judge the judge his dad is in contempt of Demetrius Calpis and he's they gotta put him to death and Robert Downey Junior has to become Iron Man. Yeah to save him to defend to defend our justice system. Yep That's the event that kicks off Civil War.
Okay, I thought maybe we were you know Gonna think of cute pun names for ours. I spent a little I actually spent like all day orca snail Yeah, thinking of that. That's that sweet pun. That's what you were doing at your desk Just like with your brow furrowed.
Yeah, just kind of like my head down on my keyboard Just banging it like tears streaming down my face That's what I was doing for the past three hours was coming up with that I thought like someone in your family had died or something. I didn't I don't want to say anything You just you look so sad. Oh, well my Nana passed but that's unrelated.
You're That's what you say when you eat a banana in the morning and then you and then you poop it out. I Make that joke every day. I'm coming to the office. Yeah, I'm very sorry about my Nana pass I need a past and then we go Yeah, well the first day you were like really sad And the second day you were also like kind of sad, but you're like, well, I was sad for a different reason I was sad that you said it again I mean it would it would be funnier if I didn't like instantly show you like a picture of the shit in the toilet Like yep, that was a banana once It would be funnier.
It just looks like poop. Yeah, it just looks like poop Caldwell.
It's shaped like a banana though So there's that So, I guess hmm, I found you in contempt of whatever that person's name was I've already forgotten Demetrius capus Demetria caledemos Demetria caledemos, Demetria caledemos Demetria caledemos was the name of the the anchorwoman on in the national news. I remember this Hey, very little else all of our Nashville fans Everyone tuning in who's a big fan of the NBC Channel 4 local affiliate big Demetria caledemos supporters the fan base is out there Where am I where my caledemoids at they're out there, you know, they're out there.
This is amazing. This is just a It's a man.
Mm-hmm. Who's also a cat right so far. I've just done sort of like a man in like a cat pose But it's common. There's gonna be some cat parts. Mm-hmm, which ones? A tail, okay for one Tail whiskers a barbed penis.
Oh, let's get some some ears going. Yeah. Oh, there we go. Cool.
So this is terrifying. I Drew like a shelled Leviathan that you know roams the seas poisoning with algae and yet somehow this is way more scary.
I Mean if you saw this is like your boss. Mm-hmm. He's like, hey Why is this your boss? Why is this my boss? I see you in my mouth.
What did I do? What job do I have? You're um, you're the Am I work?
If you if you want it is assistant if you own a cat you're basically working. I see what you're saying You know, so this is like is this like gonna so like this is like the evolution of cats They become this but they're still pets. Yeah, it's just no like they pay you. So like Your your friends like you're in play you have a cat. It's adorable I have I have a cat too and you think he means like oh you also have guys like no No, no, I have cat to the sequel to cats.
Yeah, I have the better. I have the upgraded. Uh-huh. Yeah, I got that patch That made cats super dope humanoids It's uh, it's great. Let me tell you They have their thumbs now my cat can give me a missile my cat can abuse me in so many new and interesting ways Yeah, cuz they still got them claws. Can you imagine this thing? I'm retractable.
You wake up In the morning and the thing is just like just punching you. It's just like hey, wake up. Hey, excuse me. Here we go It's it's still sitting on you. Hey, wake up. I shot in the kitchen. Wake up. Excuse me.
I uh, I Have no regard for your personal space please I'm gonna lick your ding-dong but not in a sexual way. I'm an animal. Let's give it like a nice little cat nose Yeah, can it talk? I I just assumed that it could yeah, absolutely.
It's a man cat, right? cobble I I'm sorry. I don't know much about man cats. You got to educate me Nathan tell me all you know about man cats.
Okay. Well, they they can talk. Uh-huh one What's two? They they pee to mark their territory. Sure. Just just a normal. That's like a normal man thing But they do it like like standing up. Yeah They have a little dignity.
They're like, you know face away from you. This is terrifying Nathan, I'm I'm proud of you. But at the same time like I want I want you to go away.
I need you to be done This is torture What's this man cat's name? What's this beautiful tabby boy's name Nathan? Um, Alan Oh This is my man cat Alan Yeah, I rescued him. I wanted to name him whiskers, but he insisted I call him Alan. His last name is whiskers I'm Alan. Hi, this is my cat. This is my man cat Alan whiskers. I rescued him from I just I found him that he was working at a I rescued him from cat slavery In this in the Sudeten land now, he's now this is me and we go in great adventures and And he shits in my kitchen He shits in a box in my kitchen sometimes he misses the box either way he is not sorry you like walk in the room and like Everything's everything's a miss and you're like Alan you fuck up my plates and he goes Yes Yes, I did.
What do you what of it? What of it?
Alan you're so goddamn dignified out of you reading my books making yourself smarter. I don't even look at it web pages I've been I've been posting selfies on the internet firing against me and all mankind just imagine all the all the Hilarious hijinks Alan gets into this is terrifying like playing playing in boxes.
This is the man cat. This is Alan the man cat On the man cat Alan whiskers the world.
This is I feel like you just invented like a really weird webcomic That's like been running for like three years on smack Jeeves. Yeah, it's smack Jeeves. Is that a real site? Yeah, it's like a it's like one of those like make your own webcomic sites like ask Jeeves But I guess smack him I mean, I feel like there's like a lot of these when I was like growing up and like making Like comics on the internet. It was like smack Jeeves Drunk duck they all like really dumb bad names and like all the comics were about You know, it was like all those comics where like it was like an anime main character who's a witch But then like they draw the nose gonna show you real quick Is this gonna be the start of our final hybrid animal?
No, I just want to like quickly Okay, like all the characters are drawn like, you know in that weird like anime way where it's like hey, I'm anime Nice to meet you and like look at that weird nose. I like that and that's like that. Yeah Well, it's pretty cool. But like that's what it all looked like. It's like their whole face is the nose.
Yeah. Anyway, that's my My brief intermission where I talk about my childhood making webcomics on the internet. Yep Now it's time for our final drawing. I'm gonna go ahead and start a new page. Yeah, go for a new leaf So this time we're gonna do one more hybrid animal. I'm gonna draw the top half Nathan's gonna draw the bottom. Okay, you want to like close your eyes gonna be oh sure Yeah, yeah, I'll just I'll just turn away. Uh-huh. It's closing my eyes makes me nervous You could be attacked I'm just gonna see I'm gonna see what you drew right and it'll be a surprise and using that information I'm gonna I'm gonna pick the most opposite animal. There you go. Oh perfect. And then we'll while you're drawing that I'll come up with a fun Name. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. We do that together actually. Yeah, well, we'll name it some something fun like Some fun something cool some fresh something good for 2014. I think like Bradley Nathan your name game is on point today Yeah, you're throwing out some really boring names. Yeah, I love it You're crushing it Anders. Mm-hmm. That's pretty good. That's a little exciting though I like names that sound like they're supposed to be plural like like some names like Alex Sounds regular.
Yes, but Eric's uh-huh Eric's yeah, have you ever met anyone named Eric? No, I don't think I would trust them at all like like Eric But with an X at the end. No, no, thank you. I Would I couldn't handle that if I met someone named Eric's I just I would I'd be like, I'm sorry I'm done. I would I would hail a cab at that moment and get out of there.
I mean, it's up to no good Anybody with like an X in their name you like are you for real? Are you the like what are you some sort of space man with an X in your name Xavier? Yeah, like it's a letter of the alphabet building. It's a trick one, right?
We're not supposed to use it. No for things All right, I'm almost done here. You're almost done there. Yeah. Yeah, okay Yeah, you can go and peek in it can't peek yeah, that's a horsey Yeah, drill a horsey drew me a little horsey with a like a very stiff name Okay, I want you get in here and see what you can do. Okay, here it is Here it is. We're gonna beautiful already.
You just instantly draw another man cat. Yeah Just draw just draw some man legs on there Sorry about that controversial stance. I took towards people with X's in their name.
Yeah, jeez, but seriously Xerxes Seriously, seriously Xerxes chill on that zerk You you God Prince or whatever you are What was he a god? Oh, he's just a camper emperor. He's the the Persian Emperor.
Oh Sure. Mm-hmm. I would I would change I would probably go with like, you know, if that was my name might switch to zerk cuz these are okay.
Mm-hmm Yeah, whoa I'm doubling down. You're doubling down.
This is a triple hybrid. It's a triple hybrid a triple hybrid cuz Impossible.
It's not a Drawfee episode. Unless we draw some tentacles No, that rule is never set in stone. I do not approve this rule You've just in you. In fact, you have just implemented this rule at this very moment.
I will not stick to it I invoke Demetrius Coppus. Oh, no Robert Downey jr.
Where are you? I need you.
I need your iron justice tentacle is chlorpus There it is just gonna give him the hero Registration act is underway already. I'm just gonna give him three late Civil War has begun There's no animal that just has three tentacles. No, thanks. Joe. So this is just a special It just sort of it can go. What's this thing called? You gave it a name already.
Uh, yeah, it's Bradley This is Bradley. This is a Bradley. Hey, I'm Bradley. Hello. I'm Bradley. Hey, I'm Bradley.
I can fly and also ink Would you like some of my ink? Would you like some Bradley ink?
Did you know that Bradley nests are a delicacy in in in their nests? Yeah, they're nests. What do they make their nests out of?
Ink? Like hard ink. Yeah And is it like squid ink pasta? They just that's why it's a delicacy. It's just like squid ink pasta Yeah, I was trying to think of a very boring place that they were delicacy in like Boise I've never been to Boise. I'm sure it's a lovely place. Mm-hmm.
That's where Bradley's are from Yeah, the boys Boise Bradley's was the local football team the Boise Bradley's here. They come. Oh, there they go Flying away flying away to terrorize another town squish squishing squishing off into the distance guys This has been the Drawfee show.
Thank you so much for watching Yeah, we have our own channel youtube.com backslash Drawfee where we do drawings like this every day Except for Friday sometimes Friday sometimes Friday. We're feeling nasty Yeah, you're good if you're good if we're nasty if that combination of things happens Also even more exciting news On November 1st Saturday, November 1st at the Palisades in Brooklyn We are going to be doing a very special event called super art fight in New York. Yes, Brooklyn, New York. Thank you We are teaming up with Super art fight to do this cool competition. It's a live art competition That can only be described as a cross between I would say Pictionary and professional wrestling There's a big canvas and two artists compete head-to-head all the artists from College Humor and dorkly are going to be going Head-to-head against some of super art fights artists. You can check it out on super art fight comm for tickets and details and hopefully we'll see you there and I'm Nathan's just gonna show us a quick quick review of all the abominations.
We created for you guys today I think I think today was a good day today was a good day. I'm still very sorry I'm mostly sorry for this, you know, just This creature that you've unleashed upon everyone's vision of whatever it's an imagination. Yeah, Alan Alan's great. He's gonna be in my my dreams and deep in my heart forever, but not in a good way He's wedged in there like some sort of like a chunky aorta filled with lard. Oh, Alan guys, we're sorry Thanks for watching. Hey, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan Thank you guys for watching our video if you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel, please click here And if you want to watch more videos on this channel, you can click right here And if you want to stop this whole miserable charade, just click that little X in the corner. Thanks for watching. We're sorry Going head-to-head against some of super art fights artists. You can check it out on super art fight comm for tickets and details and hopefully we'll see you there and Nathan's just gonna show us a quick quick review of all the abominations. We created for you guys today I think I think today was a good day today was a good day. I'm still very sorry I'm mostly sorry for this, you know, just This creature that you've unleashed upon everyone's vision of whatever it's an imagination. Yeah, Alan Alan's great. He's gonna be in my my dreams and deep in my heart forever, but not in a good way He's wedged in there like some sort of like a chunky aorta filled with lard. Oh, Alan guys. We're sorry Thanks for watching. Hey, I'm Caldwell I'm Nathan. Thank you guys for watching our video. If you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel, please click here And if you want to watch more videos on this channel, you can click right here And if you want to stop this whole miserable charade, just click that little X in the corner. Thanks for watching. We're sorry |
cracked | 4_strange_ways_hollywood_thinks_about_boobs_and_wieners_yboc_star_wars_star_trek | This video is brought to you by Audible. Go to audible.com slash YVOC or text YVOC to 500-500 to get a free trial. Plus, it just really helps the show.
Hey there, nerds, and welcome to another installment of Your Brain on Cracked. I am your host, Dr. Jordan Breeding, with Dr. of course being spelled D-O-C-T-E-R, which stands for documenally terrible at acronyms. And this is important because today I'm mostly just diagnosing dicks and boobs and YouTube before you smash that demonetize button. Allow me to clarify that dicks and boobs is also an acronym standing for dumb ideas.
Cinema kind of suspects and believes. Oof, about sexy parts. Whoo, dodged that bullet. Anyway, so insert segue here. Let's look at breasts. Nice.
Breasts sure do take up a lot of our time. I mean, we worry if they're big enough. We question if we really like them. And we definitely spend a lot of time thinking of ways to touch them. And that last one is probably the greatest driver of progress in human history because what were the Apollo missions, if not an attempt to touch the great big rock boob in the sky?
And yes, that's a super weird thing to say, but not as weird as some of the bizarre things that Hollywood writers believe about breasts and dicks, including... Much like internet weirdos who believe that pee is stored in the balls, filmmaking weirdos seem to be under the impression that sexiness is stored in the breasts. It's why so many sexy female characters look like they're wearing a necklace made out of medicine balls. So if breasts are intrinsically linked to sexiness, then by that weird ass logic, a woman who has more than two breasts has a surplus of sexiness in her sex sex. So she might as well sell it by becoming a hooker or stripper, according to a surprisingly large number of screenwriters who probably write their movies one handed.
Everybody remembers the triple breasted prostitute that offered some triple X action to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Colin Farrell in the Total Recall movies, but did you notice the alien cat stripper from the beginning of Star Trek V, The Final Frontier, and how she was also incapable of sleeping comfortably on her stomach? It appears we have lost our sex appeal, Captain. Star Trek is more than 100 different alien species, which come in all shapes and sizes.
But when we finally got one with an extra mammary gland, that character just happens to be a stripper. It is difficult to explain. Counselor Troy's body was a cake. Her upper body. Then you also have the return of the Jedi knits, exotic dancers, and Jabba's palace, like the six-titted yarn-a-doll garden, whose name I believe translates to a revealing glimpse into George Lucas's personal preferences. Again, it's like poetry, so that they rhyme. Now, Hollywood is willing to admit that too much of a good thing can be bad for you. I mean, not cocaine, but teats, because sometimes those extra nipples are what Satan uses to suck your soul out and turn you into a grotesque monster, is the metaphor I'm gonna use, because, yeah, we're definitely demonetized by now. Anyway, that's presumably why the harpy in the last unicorn has three very human orbs, though she does flap them wildly around, so maybe that also counts as a stripper, and maybe something that a certain doctor would enjoy for his birthday. There is only one thing that has ever made me happy. Then there's the demon with three gourds on the TV series, Angel, but in her dialogueless appearance, she seems to be also working as an escort, so once again, we're back to multi-hooters being linked to sex work. I guess maybe the only truly unsexual character with additional Elmer Fudds I can think of is the giant monster from the Metal Occolips music video that runs around ripping off Guy's testicles, which, again, is probably something some dudes are into. I do cocaine. ["A-Dook-A-Cane"] Now let's look at wieners.
On Parks and Rec, Gary Gergich is a low-level employee for the government and an emotional human toilet for his coworkers. Jerry so-called friends routinely and viciously insult him, like hucking literal pies into Terry's face and consistently calling poor Larry by the wrong name.
But the thing is, even the writers of the show felt bad about treating the character this way, so in season five, it was revealed that Gary has an incredibly beautiful wife, and equally beautiful daughters, all of whom adore him in a way that you rarely see outside of cults. But this wasn't the writer's first instinct, because way earlier in season four, they revealed that Gary has a gigantic yogurt pistol. One of the biggest his doctor has ever seen, in fact. Gary's big old beef thermometer was supposed to make us feel less sorry for the man, like it's cool that people loathe his presence because his dong could sink a ship.
A very similar thing happens with Cyril Figgis, a timid, frail comptroller working for a spy agency on Archer. Cyril gets so little respect on the show that him merely offering to help out with a computer problem result in his coworkers just sh** all over him, figuratively, not literally. No, literally. You mean figuratively. But it's okay, because in the series' second episode, we learned that Cyril has a 12-inch tube stay. Figuratively. The fact that Cyril is also highly educated and trilingual all comes much later. When Archer writers wanted to make sure we don't feel too bad for Cyril, they immediately pulled out his massive boink rod and patted it to assure us that whatever abuse we throw his way, he could deflect its impact with his mighty meat sickle.
Well, I get to learn karate. Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts?
No. Other examples include Zach Young on Desperate Housewives, Ned Flanders from The Simpsons, Chris Griffin from Family Guy, and David Spade on Just Shoot Me, which is both the name of the show and what I want you to do if you ever catch me watching David Spade. Convected murderer, Madden Ox, will write an advice column for a Seattle newspaper. The working title right now is Dear Stabby. This is taken to absurd, creepy lengths in the hard times of R.J. Berger, a show about a bullied, nerdy, 15-year-old boy with a gargantuan pink popsicle.
I just got added to a 10th government watch list. Wow, now the FBI has to visit me for free.
Thank the Lord for this bountiful penis. Bountiful penis.
And speaking of being demonetized, we don't have to worry about it because we're sponsored by Audible. And speaking of Audible.
Her face and vagina are competing for my attention, so I glanced down at the billiard rack of my penis and testicles. Figuratively. So that might sound like a crazy Chuck Tingle romp, but actually it's a pretty good book. I just plain it out of context, because that's what I do. It's called The Destroyers by Christopher Bolin. And it's this pretty good, like, thriller set on this Greek island about this guy that gets mixed up and stuff.
And speaking of being mixed up on Greek islands, Audible has legitimately been kind of a lifesaver the last few months. I don't know if you can tell, but I don't live anywhere sexy like New York or Los Angeles or anything, so I've been traveling a lot for work recently. And thanks to Audible, I have this massive selection of content to listen to. And it's not just audiobooks, they've also got these podcasts and even meditation guides, and all of which I can listen to through the app and on the go. And it's an incredibly helpful distraction when my commute is to freaking Austin, Texas.
And all you gotta do to get in on this goodness is head over to audible.com slash YBOC or just text YBOC to 500-500 for a free 30-day trial and immediate access to like thousands of things on their Plus catalog. And if there's something specifically that you want, if you sign up, you get a free credit every single month. Are you gonna apply to anything?
And if that doesn't convince you, I'll tell you what, they do have Chuck Tingle on there. And there is something extra magical about hearing the pros of pumped by a pirate. Really, really brings it to life. Oh, and speaking of.
Shakira's hips may not lie, but in Hollywood, neither do breasts, because if they do lie, something horrible will happen to them. For some reason, American movies tend to believe that fake jugs or jugs enhanced by unnatural means are evil. And much like the faux fun bags themselves, Hollywood's hatred for mock melons isn't exactly subtle. Like there are many signs in Back to the Future Part II that Biff is a real butt bag, but none are bigger than the two that stare Marty right in the face when he wakes up from his second concussion in as many movies.
Mom? Mom, it can't be you.
In this timeline, Biff has married Marty's mom and forced her to get a boob job, because him just turning the US into a place where you can get killed for stealing newspapers wasn't enough to establish his villain cred. He also had to go and mess with nature, that monster. In Bruce Almighty, the movie quickly establishes that Jim Carrey is using his literal god powers incorrectly by making him enlarge his girlfriend's frost detectors. In the 1972 Woody Allen movie, everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask, there is a segment titled Are the Findings of Doctors and Clinics Who Do Sexual Research and Experiments Accurate because Woody Allen does not know the difference between writing a movie title and an entire freaking book or an adoptive daughter and a date.
Well, my disgustingness is my best feature. The segment tells the story of a mad scientist obsessed with maleficent mammary enlargement and ends with a solitary mass of boob terrorizing the countryside in the parody of the blob, the boob blob, the boob. I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, Hollywood also punishes women just for wanting bountiful, bouncy, bodice, boogie bobbles which is why when Kitty on Arrested Development gets knocker implants, she's punished for it by having her boob job turn out all weird and lopsided like, maybe this will teach you to love your body, you deformed freak, the series says. Can we please have one conversation that's not about my wreck? And then there's the scene in Leprechaun 3 where a woman wishes for bigger breasts and the titular evil Leprechaun causes them to expand until they explode. Bigger is good, but jumbo is dear. I'll give you boobs and come out to here. You also have mean girls where the queen bee's mom, played by Amy Poehler, had a boob job so botched that she doesn't even feel when a dog basically bites her nipples off. And no, I'm not done. I still haven't mentioned Crank 2 where a prostitute gets a bullet shot through her implants and I don't mean to be crass, but whoever wrote that definitely gets a boner while reading the obituaries. And speaking of stiffs, here's another great segue.
Everyone loves a villain and sometimes even more than the hero, which is why Cruella got her own movie. We'll probably never get to see Pongo's twisted origin story where he reveals that he was a good boy who just wants a tubby rub. But Hollywood is always worried about making their villains too likable, which is why they have to write a bunch of undesirable character traits in. Like how most villains, wieners don't work good because they're bad. In Kick-Ass 2, you have McLovin find his mother's S&M gear and become a supervillain named the motherfucker, presumably causing Freud's body to spin in its grave at the speed of light. But despite the name, McLovin is a wimpy, pitiful bundle of emotional issues and lameness. And yet the studio was still afraid we'd somehow identify with this insane character.
So they gave him ED when he was trying to rape someone. It's played for laughs, but it's about as hilarious as walking in on your dad quietly crying alone in the garage. He's gone, he's dead. In The Departed, Matt Damon's Colin Sullivan is a police officer secretly working for the mob. And to make sure that gullible kids don't start infiltrating law enforcement agencies for crime families, the movie makes Sullivan impotent. And although the character might possibly be doubled secretly gay, the message is still the same. Crime ruins your sex life. And speaking of double secretly, the president of the stuck up Omega House from Animal House also has trouble getting it up. So does one of the criminal body builders from pain and gain? And yeah, I mean, I guess it didn't help that he was on a lot of steroids, but that's not the point.
The point is that if you want some vicious rock hard directions, be nice to others. Open doors for old ladies and the voters will follow. I think Confucius said that. The phone of me dead gives you an erection?
No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you.
Hollywood will even tack impotency onto real people if they don't find them villainous enough. Like when they made the bank robbing outlaw, Clyde Barrow and Bonnie and Clyde unable to squirt. Hell, in Dr. Strangelove, it's implied that General Ripper went crazy and triggered a nuclear Holocaust because his private stop standing to attention. A malfunctioning pocket rocket literally destroyed the world in that movie.
I could deal with his impotence. I could not deal with your incompetence.
And I need another segue. So let's pretend that my name is Steven, which is an acronym for segue, terrible. So the video ends now. Oh, I'm Roger, by the way. And I'm back. |
ClickHole | calling_all_parents_protect_your_child_from_pedophiles_by_reading_new_ebook | Today, we're talking about a very important e-book that will teach you everything you need to know about the scourge of pedophilia that's consuming this nation. It's called Pedophile Poundhouse, Supreme Boy House Eternal, Lick Boys in the House, The Novel. This book is extremely important to own, especially if, like me, you're a parent with a sexy child. Now, the author of this book, he's one of the foremost experts on these pedophile sickos, and he's here today.
Bruno Landers, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me, Doug. Now, Bruno, you are America's leading authority on pedophiles, and you're entirely self-taught in your pedophilia expertise. That's correct? That's right, Doug.
I've studied pedophiles in their mischievous ways very closely. I've spent years getting into the pedophile's mind and learning to think exactly like a pedophile. Right. You're a pedophilia expert. Doug, if I knew any more about pedophilia, I would have to marry a child. That's how experienced I am. Incredible. This book, Pedophile Poundhouse, Supreme Boy House Eternal, Lick Boys in the House, The Novel, paints a truly terrifying picture of the scourge of pedophiles that liberals are unleashing on our children today. Liberals make it so there's pedophiles everywhere, even in the water supply. Sometimes it feels like every room I enter is a room with a pedophile in it. You have scenes in the book where pedophiles are lifting children up over their heads and spinning around with them until the pedophile gets nauseous and throws up.
Right. That's called the Hillary Clinton spin. It is a pedophile move named after Hillary Clinton because Hillary Clinton has never denied inventing it. Read us a passage from your novel right now. Okay. This is from the very beginning of the book. Chapter 1, Poundhouse, Sex Boy, Young House, Boys Thrust and Grunt House, Thank You.
Pedophiles, pedophiles, pedophiles shrieked the president. Just then, the door to the Oval Office opened and six pedophiles walked in. We are here to be perverts, said the main pedophile. I don't care very much for that, said the president.
Then everyone died, but for how long? Chilling stuff, Bruno. Thank you, Doug. Now, the book once again is called Pedophile Poundhouse, Supreme Boy House Eternal, Lick Boys in the House, The Novel. Extremely important book if you're a parent. You need to buy it and read it before it's too late. |
dropout | plum_and_mama_bloopers | So, oh my god, are you okay? Shit. Plum Miller and her mother, Blueberry Mama Miller, became overnight sensations with their hit reality show, Precious Plum. Baby, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. We've lived in a car, and after that, we ain't had no license plate for a while. There you are now, I'm gonna hold my candy bar, you gonna laugh? No. You gonna laugh when your mom was talking?
Yeah. All right, I'm gonna take it back, okay? All right. I'm gonna go back a few lines of dialogue. Okay. So you say dialogue? Dialogue. Okay, good. Okay, here we go, ready? No. Okay, girl, can you say action? Action. Good, you a director now.
Okay, listen up. Hey, I'm gonna need you to focus. Take a deep breath.
Do it like Oodahoggin. Say Oodahoggin. Oodahoggin.
Say Lee Strasberg. Lee Strasberg.
Say shaving exercise. Shaving exercise.
Sense memory.
Good, you're an actor now. Listen, what happened last time?
You don't got nothing. You don't know nothing. You don't have anything.
Okay. Hey, stand up. Plum, get up now. We have to start over.
You know why? Because Mama fucked up. That's why.
Say I'm ready. I'm ready. Take a deep breath. Good. You an actor now.
Say Oodahoggin. Oodahoggin.
Good, you focused. Okay, here we go. All right. Okay, everyone relax. Good. Ready? All right. Hey, what happened?
Oodahoggin. Say Oodahoggin. Oodahoggin. Okay, say Oodahoggin. Oodahoggin.
You relaxing? Oh, my God. Grant, you're hired. Brian. Grant, O'Brien. After and see Plum run. You are hired, sir. Fantastic.
Oh, my nail fell off. Jesus. What's the matter with you? I haven't had a vegetable in four years. Yeah, I want that one. You should. I'm sorry.
I forgot about my nutrition. Oh, my nutrition. You've got to eat a vegetable once. No. Just one time. Oh, fuck. Oh, my nutrition.
I'm a cat. All right. She turned into a man's cat. Sugar makes me normal.
I'm not.
You see what I'm looking at? Yeah. So, as it turns out, poison. Oh, fuck me. Here goes my brain mush. So it turns out we're seeing it on the couch, poison.
Put me in a leather jacket, make me say words. Under the light. It's a weird thing to make a human do right, Elaine. I'm in plumb-ups. Uh-oh, justice, blood pressure's rising.
It's almost time for chicken in the backyard with Paul. I'm not going crazy. All right. Okay, I'll say go for it.
I want you to take that ass off. Take that ass off. Take out that ass.
All doors are locked. All the doors are locked.
Do I look mean if my hands are in a triangle, or is that like less mean? It's severe because it's pointy.
Listen, bitch, okay, it's like Illuminati shit, too. You know, like who fucking knows?
Buckingham provides rigorous education for middle and high school students of all backgrounds, regardless of race, means, or creed. Regardless of race, means, or creed.
All right, ready? Oh, shit. Yeah, try not to fucking be loud. Ready? I'll try it again. Let's see who doesn't laugh. Ready? Is it really quiet? Because it's such a good idea. Ready? Oh, shit, creed order. Pssst.
Golly lolly pops. Ring pops. Pop tarts.
Sweethearts. Sweethearts?
No. Pssst. Golly lop. Pssst. Golly lop.
We was careful, it was a midnight flash. Tap me on my back. Still got that condom in there. What happened to this, mama? We'll find out.
You got some sign up for Dropout. Just Dropout?
It's a premium ad-free uncensored comedy platform for the people what do college humor. Oh, wow. I'm gonna sign up right now. Hey, how in the fart did you get a credit card? I'm gonna see this.
Who is Amanda M. Trays? Well, it's not me.
Yeah, go, you can sign up. You can sign up.
It's fine. Swipe down all you want. |
SaturdayNightLive | clinton_bedroom_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Right, Well, listen, Ron, the way I see it. I'm gonna set the G7 straight. I'm gonna fix the world economy, get peace in the Middle East, and then I'm gonna bomb the hell out of Serbia. I am whooping some serious what? Yeah, I just bit my lip and did the thumb thing. How do I? Oh, no, no. Everything else is great. Really, it seems like the loose ends are finally getting tied up. Hi darling, I gotta go. Yeah, right.
And we didn't have sex. Linda Not, We didn't have sex. Well, what do you call it? Lewinsky. We fooled around. having sex is having intercourse quick. Oh, you've been around him too long. So by Bill Clinton's definition, groping in a bar is sex. Oral sex ain't sex. both sexual relationship. unquote with Monica Lewinsky The most private details of President Clinton sex life confirming it's semen on the dress Bill Clinton bars the Ultimate.
Be a cocktail waitress who still cigars. Thanks for tuning into the Weather Channel. the news is still severe storms blowing down in the Gulf Region. pretty much like Monica was blowing the Nope. From New York, it's Saturday night. |
dropout | this_suicide_bomber_has_killer_abs | You know that's not a bread bowl, right? Huh? Listen up, shit! You've been walking all over me for six and a half years.
Ow. Because guess what? fuckers! It's time to die! Yeah! Holy crap!
That's right. The day of reckoning has come. No, no. Your abs. They are exquisite. Wow. Thank you. You work out, right? P90X. You know, I just try to eat right and, uh, hold on. I came here for a reason, okay? This is dynamite! You got that right.
Emily, you are terrible. You're all terrible. You're all terrible! You're terrible people!
Get ready to eat shrapnel, you... shit! fuck! fuckers!
I'd rather eat those obliques. Nom, nom, nom. Ow! Give me touchy? No! Okay, one touchy.
They're like a pack of frozen hot dogs. You guys are too much. You're really... you're too kind.
But not usually. Usually you're mean, okay?
So when I press this button, I'm gonna blast my abs. Bro, they are already blasted. Tell me, does that thing, like, get your glutes and your quads? You know, I always thought those electric exercise belts were a ripoff. Guys, when it comes to exercise, there are no shortcuts, okay?
It's all about hard work. It's about dedication.
Hold on, no. This is a remote detonator, you... stupid fucking shit. I bet he can do so many planks. Look, he's got those lines in his pelvis that go right down to his weenus and make me think about humping on boners. Everybody shut up! He's gonna tell us about his more efficient crunch technique. How many reps do you do? Because I keep hearing it's all about reps. Everybody get down! Told you, planks. Called it. Yes, planks are an important part of my routine, but you're all about to die in a fiery explosion.
Can you just acknowledge that so I feel like I have effectively made my point? Can I say something? And I'm sorry if this isn't appropriate, but I'd like to blow you. You know, because of your abs. I just want my eyes to be close to their glistening glory for even a passing moment. Or however long it takes.
Ugh. Yeah, Dan, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna put that video on this site.
I just think that sketches tend to work a lot better when you're playing a toilet. |
dropout | derrick_s_do_you_like_hip_hop | Sir, do you like hip-hop? Ma'am, ma'am, do you like it? Sir, do you like hip-hop? Yeah, yeah, I like hip-hop. You like hip-hop?
Yeah, sure. Really? Really. Really? Really.
You really like hip-hop. Yeah, I really like hip-hop.
Yes. Come with me. Oh my God, that's Jay-Z's body. Exactly. And I'm gonna let you cop that for 50 bones. $50, and it's all yours. No, no, no, I'm not buying Jay-Z's body. Hey, man, this is a good deal. This is like having a first pair of Jordans and shit.
You can't get this everywhere.
How did you even get Jay-Z's body? I shot him in the face. 30 bones. 30 bones, and Jay-Z's body is all yours, man. You got close enough for Jay-Z to shoot him in the face? I used to be his driver.
20 bones.
And Jay-Z's body is yours. You can even take the clothes.
I was just gonna burn them. This is gonna be on the news.
I can't pay here.
Exactly. And then everybody's gonna know, and you gonna be out of a Jay-Z.
10 bones. No, I'm not.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, man. You said you like hip-hop.
All right, man, all right. I will give you Jay-Z's body and Ludacris' body for free. What? For free. All right?
And all you gotta do is not implicate me in the murder of Jay-Z, Ludacris, and Lil' Bowwow. You killed Lil' Bowwow? All right, you a haggard. Hold on, hold on. I chopped him up. Lil' Bowwow's in there?
Most of them. The birds got to the rest. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_262_BAD_DREEMS | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuta Advocate, and of course Errol Parker, editor at large. And today's guests actually come from Petuta's closest capital, would you believe, as the crow flies, Adelaide.
And as the car drives. As the car drives, technically. Yeah, just down the Birdsville track.
Adelaide is closer to Petuta than Brisbane, a lot of people don't realise that. We haven't taken it as far as Broken Hill and pushed our clocks back half an hour, but yes. No, even though we are further west than Broken Hill.
Yeah, we do feel culturally aligned with you lot. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce today's guests.
They are the original Adelaide family murderers.
Thank you for joining us. Thanks for having us. Nice to meet you.
Yeah, yeah. Bevan couldn't make it today. He's still awaiting parole, but this is the antique clock dealer, the hairdresser, David St. David, and I'm the surgeon. Okay. Yeah.
Because we know with the family murders, there was a surgeon involved. Yes, there was. And it is rumoured that in the car park of Calvary, North Adelaide, there used to be an outdoor morgue as they made them in the good old days. And that is rumoured to be the place where some of the cut ups got done.
All right. Really?
Buck Adelaide's a twisted and dark and beautiful place. Thank you for joining us.
Bad dreams. It's been such a crucible of Australian music for years.
Yes. You know, like, like it gave rise to the Australian hip hop movement. Oh yeah. You know, it also... On the hills. It gave birth to Cold Chisel. Yep. It's the place where...
Would Cold Chisel be Australia's kind of incarnation of reggae even? Little reggae under toes?
Look, I wouldn't say that. Northern soul? No. That's like saying that Nick Cave is just, you know, like he was in charge of a ska band. They do get a bit funky sometimes, the chisel. Yeah, mate. That era of pub rock, men at work sounded like Jamaicans. Yeah.
It's because they were all too good at playing their instruments. As Don Walker said on your show the other week, it was like 10 years before they even got a skerrick of a record deal. They've been playing 17 gigs a week. Like this basic three chord stuff becomes pretty boring. So Mossy's started like playing some, you know...
Steel drums? Yeah. Steel drums and bloody... Yeah. Anyway, we're not talking about music as of yet, except for we're called Chisel Reggo.
I want to talk to today's guest about everything that's been happening they had... Well, you're on the media junket now, Bad Dreams.
Thank you for joining us. How are you feeling post those three years that were actually won? One very long year and one very inactive year. You guys are looking pretty fit for musicians coming out of a pandemic.
We ate Hungry Jacks and Uroses yesterday. Lots of chips.
Nah, I'm very relieved off the back end of everything. This album's been a long time in the making.
You quickly forget how shit lockdown was. He was second longest lockdown in the world behind Argentina, and he copped the brunt of it in Melbourne.
Yeah, you were the 300 days of summer. He lost it. I would have been down there with the CFMEU. I would have lost my mind jumping on cars. That's how it felt. Your mind was slowly eroding. I guess some sort of vitamin D deficiency or something as well. I felt like I was hallucinating a lot of the time. It was awful.
Are you taking in too much information too?
Yeah. At least we're working. Dooms crawling. Yeah. You watch the press conference every morning. There is absolutely no reason for any of us to know who the premier of fucking Tasmania is. Yeah, exactly.
Except in the middle of lockdown, it's like, oh God, I hope the Peter Gantt one doesn't give us bad news today. The particle count on that N95 mask is nowhere near out of confidence. I was actually thinking a lot of great band names came out of COVID-19. That's the One Silver Lining, Mutant Strain, The Contact Tracers, Festering Orifice of Doom, Aerosolized, The Avalon Cluster.
I actually think the best one's The Ruby Princess.
That'll be a great one in years to come. It's got to be a bit longer than now though. It's going to be 10 years from now before we can deal with that and look at it ironically.
But let's rip the band off. How many gigs got canceled, do you reckon, all up for you boys? Well, we had a whole regional tour and that was huge as well. Well, we were in the UK when it happened, so all of the rest of the UK tour, we just spent all that money on. So the last two gigs you ever played, you infected about 500 people.
Hopefully, yeah. I was thinking 1,000. Did you have to do hotel quarantine on the way back? No, that was before anyone even knew what was going on. That was before hotels, yeah.
You just had to do it at home. They just gave you one A4. I remember that one. Just stay at home.
Yeah, it was very loose at the time. Very loose instructions.
Yeah. But we were halfway through a frosty Guinness. Actually probably been a room temperature Guinness in Manchester, I think, and our manager was like getting their cars straight to Heathrow, it's on. I remember thinking at the time that it was, perhaps it was on. Apocalyptic. Yeah. It was a bit exciting. If you've got to put down a Guinness. The suspense.
That's exactly what I thought too. I'm like, I'm so glad I buried those guns instead of having to hand them back to John Howard. Yeah, I know. I'll do well in this. The end is coming.
I don't like handbags.
I was ready for the long haul. Well, and then how long into the depravity of 300 days in lockdown and were you guys in Adelaide? I was in Adelaide, yeah. How long until you actually started making music that you were willing to put on an album? I got back and I was like two weeks locked down.
This is awesome. I'm going to go king is on this and record 17 albums. Yeah.
And after about five days in, I was like, this is rubbish. And it was quite hard to be creative without having the requisite inspiration from the outside world.
So in actual fact, kind of this album was put together after we got out and we started playing. Once we were able to start playing some shows, we're like, oh yeah, this is, this is what it's all about. We did do some other recordings and demos, but they just didn't translate to what we wanted to do once we got back together. Well, I want to go back to, we'll talk about the new album in a bit, but I want to go back to the start.
Where did you guys meet? Are you like one of those freaky kind of BG families or are you out of Hillsong, like the rest of the music industry?
We actually met at a football club, but there's a disclaimer to that in that is an old scholars football club. So we'd all gone to the same school, Hackney road high school is what it's known as. And uh, I was quite a bit older than these guys. And so the only, I actually knew Miles's dad cause he was the music teacher at the school. And I'd played the violin in the orchestra, strongly like leading the second violin section. And then I'd moved back to Adelaide from Melbourne, playing some fairly rudimentary seconds football.
Ben was dominating in the A grade. Miles was known throughout the league as the arrow in the C grade comp.
And um, yeah, we, every night we'd go to frequent trainings. It was, it was a very, it was a really good, it just happened to be a very good club where at the time we'd go to this place called the barn, get wasted afterwards, smoking darts outside and started talking to these guys about music who, and they were sort of in, and real quiet. Like you, you guys play, play music.
Yeah.
Cause it's not, it's, it's not, it's, it's kind of, yeah, you don't want to show your cards too early in a footy club because it could really, yeah, you could really be outed as a musician. You have to bring out, you have to bring out like a kind of tenacious decubber at a Sunday kick on and then they know you can play guitar.
The holy grail. And then, um, realized, yeah, these were some good lads when we started one of the other guys at footy club, Sharpie, his dad owned a fridge warehouse and he let us just rehearse in there. Sharp electrical.
Yeah. Sharp electrical over the river from the West End brewery. Okay. Cause I've wondered about that. I've seen the imagery. Yeah. We stole it. Yeah. I've seen it.
It's very, very South Australian. How do you, I guess, make it out of Adelaide?
How do you do it nowadays? We've heard, like we've spoken to all those old 10 pound palmira pub rock guys. Basically for them, it was tour every single rural town in Australia until you burn out and land in Sydney. How did you do it? Well, I'll tell you how we did it.
First of all, we got rejected by the scene in Adelaide because they didn't like us. You played football. There was only one pub in which to play really. And we got kind of rejected from them because we weren't cool enough.
And then I used one of my few music industry connections to plead with Johnny Mackay from Children Collide to be allowed onto his tour. And he relented. And we were placed first on a 30 date Children Collide tour where they were trying to sort of prop up their slightly ailing career. And we got paid a hundred dollars a show and had to load the whole lighting rig and their back line. So you were bumping in an hour.
That actually ended, Maui was one of the premier amateur league footballers in the state.
And he did his knee. He did it at the standard here. We had to carry this stuff up. There was this venue called the standard. Very steep stairs. He did his back. Never been the same since. And he did his knee. Fucked up his footy career.
And mine. Look at me now, boys.
Gave you no choice, really. And so, yeah, 30 days nearly did the Lord, obviously. So 30 days, a hundred bucks a gig, 23, huh? They were managed by this industry legend, Razor Ray Harvey, living in manager, real hard operator. Yeah. We were like, can we please not go to Toowoomba or Bunbury because we don't have any money and you're paying us a hundred dollars a gig. She's like, you either fucking do all the gigs, lads, or you're fucking off the tour. So like, okay, fine.
June rats were doing the tour. We booked like caravan park bungalows and then June rats who hadn't booked anything would stay on the floor in our $50 bungalow, which our whole show fee went on anyway. I don't, they wouldn't remember the tour anyway. So there was like, there's two ways of doing this. It's freak out or just don't book anything and then shack up with the dudes who've blown all their money on it.
Yeah. But no, I mean, in all seriousness, it was very nice of them to have us on that tour and that's how we got out of Adelaide. Really? We slept on a lot of people's floors and had some very early flights. Oh wow. Okay. Well, that is intense.
You've done the work. In 30 days you did the work required really.
Big time. How long after that did the album come out or the album had been written at that point? Oh no, this is, this is a few years and then we did a few other things. We've always had peaks and troughs, you know, something good would happen, then it'd be a disaster. And one of the, we got early on BT from Love Police, who we're still working with, legend of the game.
He hooked us up to support the Black Keys and we're like, yeah, fucking, we've done We're breaking through. Then the Black Keys guy bloody does his shoulder.
Where are you living then? What's happening? We're all still in Adelaide.
We put out our first EP kind of ourselves, got a bit of a spin on the various radio stations and then we met up with Mark Opitz, the Prince of Capri, as he calls himself. At the time, we thought it was a massive coup getting this legend of Australian music production to work with us, which it was. And decorated. You know, he cut his teeth producing AC, or working on AC DC with Vander and Young. Did the Angels breakthrough album, did Cold Chisel, did the Models, did INXS, like every second or third song on Triple M is Opitz. And so we did a, started recording with him. That was, went pretty well. And then we did a little, got a deal from Ivy League who are from Sydney here and then, yeah, did an album.
And then we just kind of kept on stumbling forward from there. Never making any great leaps.
You're really painting a beautiful picture of the last decade. It's good to hear the grind. You know what I mean? Because you look at Dom Walker, he can kind of glaze over that because he's got such a long career. You know what I mean? But even he, he talked about 10 years, though, I think you asked him, he's like 10 years. O'Mell clipping sandwiches. Yeah.
It's like 10 years we had nothing. Every record label rejected us.
And then you interview someone like Guy Sebastian who's kind of like, can't explain how it's happened. They're like, I've gone from indoor cricket to being a pop star in just five months. I mean, in all seriousness, we had, you'd have some W's and L's. We were lucky enough to that people, some people played the music on the radio and people were interested in it, but it also wasn't a great time for five white middle class guys making pretty straight ahead rock and roll to be supported by the industry.
And nor should, and nor should it be that stuff's been done to death. So, but yeah, it's never really been about like, we've all, we all just knew that we were never going to make money from this.
So kept our jobs. So you're like the old tent boxes, right? Like they keep them on the road, they keep them just pissed enough to get to the next town and they get pissed enough and then they wake up dusty enough to pack up the truck and keep moving.
It's pretty much it. There's always just enough of a sniff of glory to keep us going. I'm dangling the carrot.
So what did a life in music in essence, prevent you from doing? What would you be doing now? You think? Well, I'd probably have, I'd hope that I would have had some type of life partner and family apart from two cats, but I'd like a red brick in Glenelg career in prospect winery.
Maybe for me, music saved me. I mean, I was studying, when I first got into music before this band in a serious way, I was studying medicine in Melbourne.
Very much so. A doctor. Yeah. I mean, and I would have, I was, you know, playing footy and my entry into the music community kind of opened up my world and changed the direction of my life in a good way. Yeah. And was the footy thing serious? Yeah. If I didn't do music, I probably would be some like 31 year old fuckboy in the amateur league still playing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like 500 bucks a match. Yeah. The footy thing is, I mean, in the midst of that children collide tour, he was, it was the top amateur level in, uh, what's called amateur, but it's people are paid in, in Adelaide and the team, our club and the team that he was in won, won the thing, which is, uh, for, for a school team was quite historical because usually all the suburban clubs that were funded by pokey money would win. So Ben was, You did it on Chuck Raffles. Yeah.
And Ben played like who, which AFL you played with the Mottlops and Josh car punched me in the stomach one time. He got some stripes. So I guess it's like that thing, right? When you have one night, what was the one night where it was like the loosest night of your lives. You're surrounded by heroes. You didn't pay for a thing.
Oh yeah. Do you remember that moment? Oh, there's been a few. That's what keeps you going. Liam Gallagher. Oh yeah. Oh no. Okay. Fuck.
Let's this, I mean, this is a story we're telling you, being the age we are, the Libertines were pretty seminal for all of us. And we were playing at a festival here called Austin city limits or Sydney city limits. And the, um, Libertines were about a band after us. So it was quite early on in the day, we're sitting around and, um, in walks the Libertines sons, uh, Pete Daugherty and they were lovely guys like Carlos Barrett came up and had a chat. There weren't many people around at this stage. The other guys, Gary, Gary Powell and John Hassell and stuff.
And anyway, so we're like, where's Pete and they're like, Oh yeah, he's, we haven't seen him since we picked him up for rehab on the way over here from Thailand or we haven't seen him since he got off the plane. We're a bit worried, like, Oh shit, I'll hand over, I'll hand over the story at this point. Uh, well yeah, they, they were starting to get fairly stressed.
We started to load our gear onto the stage and the guitar tech was playing a lot of Pete's parts and we sort of like, Oh yeah, you know, that's, you know, music when the lights go out or whatever. And he said, well, yeah, I've got to learn him because if he, if he's not better from behind the curtains, he might have to pull out a few numbers. Even when he did appear, he had to play it. And it was probably like an hour before they were supposed to go on. And they were a huge, um, you know, pool for the festival and, um, he eventually rocked up and from what we understand, you know, it has a, has a friend or, you know, that deals in a certain type of way that, um, you know, as soon as he gets into Kingston Smith, he goes and whether he comes back in time or not, he's sort of a toss of a coin. And he was looking, when he rocked up, he was wearing this Argentina soccer top, which he said was Maradona's and we don't know if that's true, but, and then he had like these sort of trackies and these like shoes with like no laces to, to account for his, for lack of a better word, cankles.
Cause I was pretty bloated. He was pretty, pretty, pretty bloated. He was, he was in pretty bad shape.
I mean, you know, his history with drugs and all that kind of stuff. But I've got to say he was like, absolutely lovely. But he kept like, it was a bit, a bit Brent, like when we were talking to him backstage, we were sharing one of those backstage demountables sort of thing. And, um, he's like sort of, cause he's such a fan of literature, like he'd come up and say like, you know, want to talk about literature, but he would open by just saying the line from the book that he fancies and then he'd come up to you and be like, with wind comes change. And then you'd be like, confused. And he'd be like, do you read Hemingway? And him being an idol, which I, which I don't know him, him being an idol or man.
I was like, yeah, of course, mate. Yeah. All the time. And then he'd go into some Sylvia Plath and that kind of thing. And it was just like, yeah. So I was very, very strange guy, but I've got to say they were really, really lovely story or is that too? I don't think so. Yeah. You partied with him? Yep. No, Pete partied.
Let's just say there was, let's just say there's some pizza in the backstage area and he was very hungry and he was offered a slice and then he's like, that pizza was fucking good. Can you, to the guy, it wasn't our stuff. He's like to the guy that owned the pizza, he's like, can you get me 30 more of them? The guy was also a massive Libertines fan. He's like, yeah, sure. And he was met with his massive predicament of having to procure 30 gourmet pizzas, which is a, not knowing if it's getting paid for.
Yeah. Oh, bless. Or what flavors. Get me a 30 of these. So I want to hear about Warumpi. Did you work with those guys?
That was a hell of a, hell of a cover. And it did take us back to that kind of Keating era rock. You know that, you know, like that, and the M's are big on this too. Like you forget that, that kind of goanna, the way you guys played it was different than the way Warumpi band played. You played it like the wife was played back then. You know what I mean? Which was, which was a real throwback.
No, we didn't have any collaborate. I mean, George is, is, has passed away. I did reach out to Neil Murray and he kind of wasn't that interested to work on it, but gave us his blessing.
We worked with, so there, there was, the lads from Mumbali who are from a band from Groote Island up Northeast Arnhem. And then Emily Wurumurra, who's also from Groote Island originally.
And then of course, Big Pete stepped in, didn't come to any rehearsals, just rocked up, nailed it on the day.
But it was, yeah, that song, I totally agree with that description of that song. It's this part of Australian, Australian eighties rock, which is kind of, I feel it's exotic in a way, it's got chorusy guitars. It's got a, it's got those elements of singing about quite poignant issues.
So we, yeah, we really want to do it justice. And, um, yeah, I have to say getting, obviously getting Garrett, but getting those lads from Mumbali who are amazing musicians, amazing stories. And I asked him, we've got to spend a few days with them and we're having some beers the night after, and obviously it takes a bit of time to build rapport with, with, um, guys from the community like that.
And, um, I said, Oh, what was the melody you sang in that bit, Brett? And he's like, Oh, that was, um, I said, was that just improv or he's like, no, that was as a traditional song line. And he, and I said, Oh, what, what was it? And he's like, that's called a flag song.
And that was written by my ancestors when they first saw the McCarson ships on the horizon because the Groote Island is relatively unique in that they were trading like, um, tree pang and stuff with the McCarson's before they saw any whites. And yeah, when you listen and that's similar to a lot of the melodies that the community, um, bands use. They're these melodies. Some of them are even old. Some of them are probably like 10,000 years old and you can hear it in the melody in my mind was blown when I heard that.
Yeah. You thought that was riffing. Yeah. And then, so I want to kind of talk about where you're at now. Who ha yeah. We played footy with a block called hoo-ha. Yeah.
It was Vietnamese. We were saying your name wrong.
I suppose we can say it now, but like it was in cults, obviously, you know, there's an age cutoff. And we asked who, uh, how old he was. And he goes, he was much older than most of them. I'm 26. He ran sideways.
Yeah. But, um, shout out who, by the way, you'll probably be listening to this. I want to talk about the, first of all, we've got the vinyl here. Listen, as you can't see this, but there's a little bit of Nicholson going on on the front cover here. A little bit, a little bit.
Well, actually it's, it's Johnny. We've got, here's Johnny on the front. We've got you doing here's Johnny.
Uh, that's fucking scary. How did you do that? That was no, no. Well, I had had a few wines, but, um, that was shot. No, no, that was done in post. If you scratch his tongue, it's one of those scratch and sniff things.
Here's that was shot by a creative director for the album who we employed the services of seven paid him. Probably never will. Um, McLean, Steven said, I don't know if you heard of him, but, um, he's been a long time collaborator and, uh, that was shot in a warehouse or a loft in, um, St. Peter's in Sydney on a very wet weekend. The day after we did the film clip for Mansfield 6.0.
So it had sort of dirt from the street, rubbed it over my face. And he was just sort of told me to chop through a door.
And yeah, you actually chopped that. Oh, you did it all. Yeah.
On the inside. You can see him with the X. Okay. And is this symbolic of what we're going to hear on this album?
I guess you're losing your mind in a winter home. Like you're trying to kill your whole family.
Yes, pretty much. Exactly right. Yeah.
We, we talked a lot about channeling certain characters, songs. And when they were like De Niro and taxi driver, the pandemic was dark. Bad boy, Bobby. Oh, and Dennis Hopper, but Dennis Hopper, the doctor from wake in fright.
Yeah. Just channeling here. Those warped characters see the world in a different way. Yeah. Well, that's perfectly articulated on the cover.
What else is going on in the album? What else are you feeling? And what else are you doing musically that, um, might be different from guffal?
Well, musically, I think it's just more cohesive and it's probably the first day where we've actually listened to it back and be like, yeah, that's what we sound like. And I think that is due in large part to Dan Luscombe, who was the producer and Andrew Idji, who was the engineer Luscombe, a legend of Australian music. He basically has played with any idol that you can name from the past from Melbourne from the last 20 years. And he's a musician first become a producer, done, you know, Amal, uh, the drones, um, Courtney Barnett, Courtney Barnett, and just, he was just very good at getting us to stop overthinking it and just get it done, which is what our music should be like instead of overthinking it or trying to, is that the music students in you, do you reckon?
No. Oh, it's probably the, what is it? It's probably just, it's probably just the, uh, the care. I mean, we care about it deeply and you want to try and make it good, but sometimes pushing too hard can round the edges of things and take away the, the immediacy of what rock and roll. Yeah.
You don't need to render every brick. No, especially in the studio because yeah, you can, you know, you can spend forever there and go all Pink Floyd on, on things, but that's not what we're trying to achieve.
And then I guess lyrically, you know, I think there's something about Australia that certain things that we just find interesting or funny. And I think it's, it's, that's, that's why we like your stuff. I think there's something similar there. And sometimes it's a little bit hard to explain why that is.
But for example, like Mansfield, you know, guys in hive is protesting about having to have a free vaccine who then get on the beers and on the lines and end up going on a ride through the city and dancing on the West gate to seven nation army. And at the same time, an earthquake happens.
I don't know how to, if you don't find that really funny and very distinctly Australian, like it's hard to explain. You got to be in on the joke. You don't understand the joke to reckon with it, you know? Australians, there's no, like we don't really have, we don't know what our pressure valve is and that's what that was.
You know what I mean? Like we're going to do coke in the city and destroy our own trade union. Yeah.
And on one level it's hilarious. But on another level, it's also really interesting.
It's like, how did these go? How do these guys, you know, that the trade unions who once represented some of the most important progressive things that happened become a hotbed of like conspiracy theory, roid boys.
Yeah, yeah, no, no. Yeah, it is funny that because people that, and that's another thing, right? People will just look past that. Like that happened one day. Everyone was wild on Twitter about it and, you know, people were making a big deal of it for a day and then you just don't want to talk about it again because it was just so, I mean, it really highlights some sort of cultural kind of, not cringe, but cultural kind of deficit. It was, it wasn't, I remember that it wasn't too many steps removed from the storming of the Capitol.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's like this shit exists out there. And yeah, it's, I think it's interesting to explore. And as like a band of white males, it's, a lot of that stuff is kind of, you know, white males that have grown up in footy clubs. Yeah, a lot of that stuff is, that's why.
Well, it needs to be you guys that interrogates it, right? It can't be, it can't be anyone outside of that interrogating. Well, people outside can interrogate it, but I think people, maybe we have a more of a captive audience because it's like, we're looking at it partly at ourselves.
Yeah, and you've lived it. I do find that quite interesting that you guys would feel like outsiders in a sense. And you haven't said that, but I reckon you would, in a sense, in music. Because you've come from, you know, a very mainstream upbringing. So for you guys to interrogate it is actually doing everyone who you feel outside is too a favour, in a sense.
Well, and it's also, I think it's taken four albums for people to start to get it. And probably it's delivered better now, but it is confusing for people.
It's like these guys are singing, like in that Mansfield song, Oh, dancing on the West Gate, having a beer. Sorry, I'm from Adelaide, dancing. And it's like, you know, on one level, people can just hear the loud rock music and hear that and they're like, oh, it's, you know, it's, it's fucking, they have a few frosts with the lads.
But really, we, that's not particularly the message that we're intending. But at the end of the day, the message is whatever people choose.
Sometimes you do get lucky as well with lyrics. Like we had a song, we've got a song on there called See You Tomorrow and there were lyrics about, it's going to be a big year for Koshy, you're going to be a big year for News Corp. And literally when we released that song, that week was all the shit with Koshy came out. They were like, the submarines, Rupert Murdoch's at the front of his own media. You know what I mean? It's just sort of, it all fell in a row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Polestar's having a great year. Yeah, and it's got to come from Adelaide boys firing shots at Koshy and Rupert, because, you know, that's your mob.
I remember what Gareth Liddiard said when he was trying, was coming up with the drones and the songs he was writing. He wanted it to be like Bob Dylan meets Black Flag. And with Bad Dreams, I think. What we tried to do and have tried to do is it's music for real, like football and poetry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the best will and don't fit particularly in either of those two worlds. But you can appreciate where those things come together. Yeah, I mean, I mean, like David Pocock. Yeah, yeah. Perfect example. But I mean, David Pocock, I mean, you know, he had the rig and the fucking skills to be able to say that.
There's a lot of blokes in every footy club who won't say that until you fucking pull them aside. Or as you guys met standing in the smoking area. Do you guys read the AFR?
Yeah, yes. Yeah.
Are you a monthly subscriber? So who's your hottest 100?
Well, good on you boys. You've certainly done that. I can tell you, as two journalists who examine and interrogate the base ourselves, we can see you in the Venn diagram well and truly. So congratulations on this.
What album number is this? This is on paper, like four album four, four album four. But there's an EP at the start. Let's go through the tour dates for now.
Oh, yeah. So you're on the 23rd of June hometown show at the Hindley. Hindley Street Music. Oh, yeah. Big one.
Spent a lot of hours there in the wee hours. Well, as if you haven't spent enough hours in Richmond, you're going back to the Richmond Hotel on the 24th. Corner Hotel. At the Corner Hotel.
And then there'll be a lock in this time. Yeah, I've still got PTSD from that whole area.
Up to Brisbane, going to the Triffid, one of the great venues stood out there in Newstalk. Yeah. Shout out to Hutchinson Construction. And then lastly, in Sydney, on the 1st of July, new financial year at the Factory Theatre in Marrickville. Yeah, right.
You guys want some tickets? Yeah, yeah, no, we'll talk about that off air. We've already got the vinyl sitting in front of us. But yeah, we'll be there and we'll be backstage and we'll be playing up like a bunch of pigs in a footy club fucking smoking area. I'm going to turn up there in worse fucking shape than Pete Doherty. We'll be ordering 30 pizzas backstage.
Thank you, gentlemen. Thanks for joining us and all the best with this tour. Thanks, lads. Love what you do. Have it, mate. |
TheOnion | New_Bullet_Approved_For_Use_On_Humans | It's finally safe to shoot a person! After six months of testing on mice and fruit flies, the FDA has approved a new bullet for use on humans. FDA researchers have declared the bullet highly effective, and soon you'll be able to buy them over-the-counter across the country. For now, the bullet is approved for adults ages 18 and over, but pharmaceutical company Merck has confirmed a child-sized bullet will soon be available, too.
Do not put that in your mouth. Stop it. It's dirty. You don't know where that's been. And you're going to be sick. Spit it out this instant. I'm going to count to three. One, two, no, no, no, no, no. Don't swallow it. Don't swallow it.
The Biden administration is under fire for breaking child labor laws after half of the cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. While many were too young to walk, they were still expected to put in grueling 14-hour days within the executive branch. Despite their age, many were given complicated and dangerous tasks, including filing classified documents, authorizing drone strikes, and even guarding the nuclear football. Sadly, until Biden can find adults willing to work for candy, the Treasury Department, Attorney General's Office, and Department of Defense will likely remain vacant.
Almost died today delivering Uber Eats. Oh, shit. Whoa, easy boy. Easy boy.
Oh, hell no. My name is Elon Musk, and now that I've had my breakfast, it's time to build a space car. My name is Elon Musk, and now that I've had my breakfast, it's time to build a space car. My name is Elon Musk, and now that I've had my breakfast, my name is Elon Musk. Elon Musk, Elon Musk, Elon Musk, it's time to build a space car. Elon Musk, Elon Musk, Elon Musk, Elon Musk, Elon Musk, Elon Musk, Elon Musk, Elon Musk. My name is breakfast. |
cracked | we_ruined_santa_with_math | The Santa Claus is the heartwarming family tale of Tim Allen murdering Santa Claus in front of his child, putting on the dead man's clothes, driving off with his ride, and then finally stealing the deceased identity. This is all considered totally fine and even encouraged from a legal standpoint because that's just how the Santa Claus game works, I guess. And initially it seems like a pretty good deal. Tim Allen gets magical powers, an unlimited supply of milk and cookies, and seemingly isn't even haunted by the former Santa's vengeful ghost. All Tim has to do in return is work a single night each year. But actually, being Santa in the Santa Claus movies would be endless torture. And I can prove it with math. Yuletide math!
In 1994, the year the Santa Claus and Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's were released, there were around 5.7 billion people on Earth. Of those, approximately 23% were children, making a worldwide total of about 1.3 billion present eligible monsters. However, we know that not every kid makes the nice list, and what Little the Movie shows us suggests two-thirds of kids are good, assuming Veronica isn't a real tally for anything other than an eventual notch in Santa's bedpost. That leaves us with 874 million kids. But also, not every kid celebrates Christmas because not every kid is raised in a Christian household nor worships the god of consumerism. Christians have made up about one-third of the world's population for the past 100 years, so that drops us to about 291 million kids. But in 1990s America, 85% of Americans identified as Christians, but 96% claim to still celebrate Christmas. So we'll add back an additional 11% to our total, meaning if we assume all Christians in the world celebrate Christmas, and we assume 96 million non-believing, dirty, liberal children across the world will celebrate the happy holidays as well, we're left with 387 million worthy children.
Now, I'm tempted to say adults could receive presents as well, since that's exactly what happens both in Santa Claus 1 and 2, but the first instance was just a one-off to prove he was real to Tim's ex-wife and her husband, and the second was a successful attempt to one-horse open sleigh some pussy. So unless Santa's betting millions of women a year, those types of gifts should move the needle too much statistically. But now, here's where the math gets really wild. The global average fertility rate is just below 2.5 children per woman, so let's assume that's the average number of kids per household. We'll also assume all naughty kids live together in god-forsaken household Santa can avoid entirely, which means 155 million households are in need of joy deliveries. If each household requires an average of 5 minutes for travel and delivery, which feels like an underestimate, but Santa's probably pretty efficient at this point, his yearly deliveries take 775 million minutes, or 1474 years. Thank god Santa can literally stop the flow of time.
But don't forget, barring immortality, Tim Allen is just an average human being. He doesn't have any special physiology or mental powers to withstand the passage of time as he slides down chimneys and leaves Pokemon cards for ungrateful kids. He experiences all 1474 of those years in real time.
Even worse, it's not like he can just pop into a Denny's since their cooks are also frozen in time and basically everywhere else would be closed that late on Christmas Eve, and Tim clearly can't cook for himself and regardless probably doesn't want to waste any more time than he has to, which means Santa's entire diet is basically going to consist exclusively of cookies and milk. For more than a millennium, even if he gets small nutrient boosts in other countries like the UK where they'll maybe leave him some mince pie, his stint through America alone will take 147 years, meaning that for a century and a half, assuming he drinks a 16 ounce glass of milk and one cookie per house, he'll consume virtually nothing but 2 million gallons of milk and well over 15 million cookies. It'll only take four weeks before Santa's lack of vitamin C leads to scurvy and all of the literal bleeding from the skin that brings, while the endless sugar rots away his teeth, the bloody gums and his front butt infinitely expand. Oh, and don't forget, this entire trip happens exclusively under cover of night, meaning Santa won't have seen his son for over a thousand years, leading to severe vitamin D deficiencies, prostate cancer, memory loss, and an increased risk for developing dementia, schizophrenia, and depression, obviously. And even if his body is magically protected from serious physical disease, imagine how much you would just loathe this limited diet after millions of meals choking down sugary treats alone in the cold, frozen darkness. It won't be long before Santa seriously considers butchering Rudolph for some protein.
Oh, now I need your bag of gum. This whole thing isn't a job.
This is Tim Allen's punishment for murdering Santa. Of course, that implies Tim Allen actually murdered Santa, but I'm not so sure. Is it possible Santa faked his death? Remember, the titular Santa Claus states that whoever puts on Santa's suit, quote, fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus and perpetuity until such time that the wearer becomes unable to do so, either by accident or design. Adding the word design leaves open the possibility Santa orchestrated his little accident. That would explain why when Tim Allen spots Santa on the roof, he isn't dragging his magic sack through the snow, and also why Tim Allen ran into a such a glatter, despite Santa having literally zero need for a ladder. He had no intention of delivering presents.
He was purposefully making a ruckus in order to get noticed, fall, stage his own death, and have the sucker who spotted him take his place. Even that fall is questionable as hell. He slides off the roof and lands flat on his back in a giant snow pile like a Hollywood stuntman. And yeah, sure, he magically disappears, kind of like Obi-Wan taking a lightsaber to the dick.
But Santa is literally magic, meaning he doesn't have to be dead to teleport. And that's without even accounting for his whole host of magic elves with attitude at his disposal. And speaking of elves, this would also explain why none of them seemed too worried their boss was murdered, and why Bernard just mostly seems annoyed that he has to explain shit to his new overlord.
The old Santa was probably losing his mind after too many eternity spent sucking down reindeer farts over the frozen Pacific Ocean. Santa probably gave the elves an ultimatum. Free me from this endless torture or I'll go on strike. I'll refuse to deliver presents or I'll only give children the last air bender on Blu-ray, ho ho ho. The elves had no choice but to devise a plan to trick some new schmuck into taking on the gig.
Old Saint Dick isn't dead. He's chilling in South America somewhere, juggling seven martinis on his rosy gut.
I don't even wear pajamas. Normally I sleep naked. Fuck naked.
The weirdest element of this is probably how hard Tim Allen fights to hold onto the job in Santa Claus 3. You'd think he'd be happy for Nick Frost to take over even if he does a shit job. The only explanation for it has to be that Tim Allen's brain has a freaking fried into eggnog mush. That's probably why head elf Bernard has left by Santa Claus 3. He finally found a Santa he could break down into a warped subservient shell of a man once and for all. Merry Christmas.
Obviously there's the aforementioned Japanese tidal wave created by moose. Hey, it's me, moose almighty, the third movie in this franchise. God is really tired.
Okay. Just give it to a moose. I don't even care.
Oh my God. He's growing up so bad. A moose is a terrible God. I didn't know. He turned the whole forest into berries. |
SaturdayNightLive | blue_river_snl | Sorry. Jenny. oh, Rebecca. Hi.
Looks like we're both buying dog food today. well, not really. I'm buying Blue River dog food, which is real food, which my Gunther really appreciates. right, buddy? I mean, have you ever looked at the ingredients on that big name brand dog food you're buying?
They seem fine to me. really? Ok, well then, why don't you read them out loud in front of your dog? Ok.
Corn, chicken. come on, continue. Corn Gluten meal. Sorry, what is that, corn Gluten meal?
No, I think you heard me. how much do you pay for Blue River, Like $80? it's not $80, it's $73.99. Oh, that's insane. it's actually only $0.32 more a day than what you paid monthly. No, it's not. actually, it is. if you take the difference in the prices between the two bags and divide that by 28, 28 days in a month, right? Seven days in a week, correct? Correct. Yes, correct. I should be going. Ok, 28, 28 days, four weeks is a month, right? So divided by 28, which we both agree, is a month. Yes. it comes out to $0.32 a day monthly.
I guess I wouldn't be, like, bragging about all the savings, because it's actually not as much as you think. No. that math doesn't make sense. Oh, you don't think so? Well, why don't we ask my husband? Daniel. oh my God, I don't care.
Oh my God. you're not planning on feeding that to your fur baby, are you? she likes it, Ok? And I'm saving money. $0.32 a day monthly. that's worth it to you for your dog not to be able to walk. Oh my God. that's why the dog's been in the stupid cart. it can't walk because of the food. the dog has just been sitting there in the cart.
And, like, I think subconsciously, I knew what that meant the whole time. But I wasn't even ready to show that to myself, to show me that. Ok, look, she can walk. people like you should be hung in a public square. Ok, look at me. I can fix this. I just feel like these animals have no voice. it will be their voice. you will. Rebecca and Bush, look at me. look at Gunther. look at primetime. look at Wonton. look at Alexander. you always, always have been their advocates and their voice, more than anyone, anyone who's ever lived. I know, I know. But it's like it's too late.
I mean, the dog can't walk. it's just sitting there humiliated. it will walk if it starts eating Blue River today. Now, for the love of God, look your dog in the eye and listen for the first time in your life. Fine. Felicity, what do you want? I want to blue, eat my Blue River Dog from my mom. I want to walk. it's only 32 cents more a day monthly. I don't want to listen. Do it. do the right thing. it's not too late. Oh my God, fine. I will buy the Blue River. Ok? may I go now, please? Definitely. we just saved that dog's life. not we, you. And you know what else?
I think I'm ready to do it. I think I'm finally ready to make love to you.
What? it's working? If this is what I think it is, it's working. we'll go really slow. Thank you. we'll go really slow. Blue River Dog Food, if you want your dog to ever walk again. |
TheOnion | Winter_Storm_Rocky_Expected_To_Hit_Kevin_Hodges_Of_Joliet_IL_Hardest_After_The_Year_He_s_Had | The dangerous winter storm rocky is expected to pummel the Midwest throughout the day with meteorologists predicting the blizzard will hit Kevin Hodges of Joliet, Illinois the hardest given the way his year's been going. Yeah, we're stocking up on everything. I think school's going to be canceled for at least a couple days. We're just glad we're not Kevin right now. Yeah, I've lived here for years and I don't think he's ever seen it this bad.
Joining us now is Jordan Blake in Chicago. Hello, Jordan.
Just how crippling will this storm be for Kevin? We've already seen a lot of damage. A motorist in Kansas trapped in their cars on the freeway, that's nothing compared to the emotional damage Hodges can expect. Having to deal with a sick cat, frustrating new hours at work, and a confusing breakup all in the past six months.
Wow, it looks like it's already coming down pretty hard in Chicago. It is. We're expecting some very, very heavy snowfalls, but keep in mind Chicago is equipped to deal with this sort of thing. They'll have these streets cleared very quickly.
Kevin won't be so lucky. This is coming at a very, very bad time for him. I'm sorry to hear that. You know, we're getting reports that he recently loaned $600 to a friend who has no intention of paying him back and slammed his finger in a car door last month. Does the National Weather Service have any advice for Kevin today? Not much you can do. This guy is really vulnerable right now. Authorities are recommending that he just stay indoors and think about his mistakes. That sounds like good advice. You know, he looks like a real sad piece of shit. Stay warm out there, Jordan. |
dropout | god_s_diary_is_embarrassing | Hey, is that my diary? Don't read that. Give me my diary. Read it.
God says here that men shouldn't be around women who are on their periods. Here God says that you shouldn't mix fibers. I don't know. I wasn't even an eternity old when I wrote that. If a man lieth with another man, that is an abomination. Hey, you big meanie, I'm just as you made me. I didn't mean it like that.
Hey, read the seafood part. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything in the seas or the rivers that has not fins and scales is detestable to you. No crab? Okay, you love crab.
Get out of my beard. You will not gratify the desires of the flesh? Hold up. Is that you saying not to jay off? I don't know. Maybe. Can we just play Catan? Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. You created orgasms, but you don't want people to jerk it?
Like, why do you even care? I don't care anymore.
I used to be kind of an angry deity. I'm the guy that almost made that man kill his only child, remember? Whoa, dude. That's fucked, God. I had to see a child psychologist for a very long time.
Wait a minute. What are all these words at the top? Man like Leviticus or like Genesis, Ephesians, Deuteronomy. Potential band name. Yes. Like you guys don't write down cool band names. Like letters to the Corinthians. You don't see that band.
God, what is this? No, no, no, no. Did you write a note? Read it, read it. Did you write a novel? It's not a novel, okay? It's an allegorical, epic journey of a man. Jesus? Yes. He goes on a lot of different adventures, and he uses some magic, and it's actually not that bad. Your writing is terrible. Listen to how God writes.
A man with leprosy came and said, Lord can make me clean. Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. Immediately he was cleansed of leprosy.
What? There's no build up. There's no suspense.
It's just, I'm sick. No, you're not. No, you're good. Help me, man.
Jesus makes a blind guy see. Here Jesus rises from the dead. After three days. The character of Jesus was supposed to be, like, super powerful.
Yeah. But look, look, after he gets caught by the Romans, he doesn't use his powers to save himself. Yeah, that's the hero's sacrifice. Obviously you've never read Mythology by Edith Hamilton. Oh yes, yes. Wasn't that book that says, you're a fucking loser? Give it back. Wait, no. You undergo a circumcision, and it will be the covenant between me and you. Go on. Oh my God. Shit. Sorry, God. Yeah, it's all right. It's the worst that can happen. |
cracked | 6_cartoon_things_we_wish_we_had_in_real_life | Cartoons are great, I mean, I still love them, I'm not talking about animation, I'm talking specifically cartoons. Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Anna Miniacs, Garfield, Archie, even Dagweg, because remember reading the bunnies? It was great. But you know what wasn't great? Imitating cartoons. As a kid, and sometimes an adult, you learn real fast that there are a lot of things that look awesome in cartoons, but in fact, are horrible in real life.
Wondering what I'm talking about? Well, I'm about to tell ya.
Have you ever tried to make a sandwich like they do in Garfield or Anna Miniacs or whatnot? I have. I was 10, I thought it looked delish. And putting everything in your fridge, every condiment, every vegetable, every meat, including, you know, a whole fish between two slices of bread? Yeah, it's the nastiest. But in cartoons, it looks like what sandwiches are supposed to look like. And they make them all the time. So it seems logical that it would be incredible.
But don't do it. You'll be so sick. Now maybe you're thinking, okay Carmen, I didn't even think those sandwiches looked good.
Alright, I hear you, but think about pizza in cartoons. Like Ninja Turtles or any of the goofy movies. Just general 90s cartoons always have pizza.
It looks great, right? No!
Pizza in cartoons would be crazy in real life. It's drawn as yellow slime dripping off floppy triangle bread. If my cheese did that on a pizza, I would freak out. I love gooey cheese, but it would never look like this. But our brains have been trained to think that that looks scrumptious, right? I mean, even knowing this, those shots of creepy pizza make me want to go out and eat some pizza.
Just generally, food is weird in cartoons. But the act of eating is also drawn weird. Number one, cartoon characters are able to eat so much food. Wampy, Garfield, and Jughead eat a few piles of burgers. In real life, if I tried, and I have tried, to eat that many burgers, the meat sweats you get doing that consistently would be horrendous. Long term, just terribly unhealthy. And they eat whole burgers in one bite, maybe two bites sometimes. But most of the time, they aren't chewing.
Popeye squeezes a can so that the spinach flies down his throat. Try that in real life. Not only will you hurt your hand, but if you somehow managed to slide an entire can of spinach into your mouth, you would definitely gag.
Pain looks delightful in cartoons. Birds fly around your head, stars appear, but imagine if that actually happened. You get into a real crazy fight, someone punches you, and birds appear. Somewhere along the lines in cartoon law, that became normal. How? No matter how many times you and your brother punch each other in the face to achieve stars and birds and whistling bumps that rise out of your heads, you only end up with the taste of pennies in your mouth, concussions, and very mad parrots. Sports and cartoons generally look awesome, but if you really think about it, it's crazy.
Running is your legs unhinged from your hips and turning a full 360 degrees over and over again so it just looks like a circle of spinning legs, which would be horrifying. Swimming seems pretty fun and always looks instantly easy for some reason, but in reality it is not. I took a lot of swimming lessons because I could not figure it out when I was little. In addition, constantly swallowing and spitting water into a fountain is not just ridiculous, but if you do it in real life, unhygienic and the antithesis of holding your breath underwater, you usually choke a little. Or in more severe cases, start to drown when you try this water fountain move.
Money looks so cool in cartoons. There are always these big cloth bags with money signs on them, or they're just straight up gold coins that you can jump in. But when in human existence does anyone walk around with a cloth bag and a money sign on it? You're just asking to get robbed if you do that. And gold coins? Heavy! And not accepted in most stores. And if it is paper money, it's always in these money bouquets.
Which actually would be kind of nice. Weird, but nice. Actually, the banks might want to take note of how nice money bouquets would be.
Now I know you're probably saying, Carmen, it's a cartoon. It's not supposed to be real.
Yes, thank you. I know that now. But tell that to eight-year-old me. All right.
Are we breaking for lunch, guys? Come on, guys. You know I can't eat this. Okay, I'll try.
Thank you so much for watching. We hope you liked the video. And please subscribe if you want to see more of our videos.
Also, please comment below with the most uncomfortable cartoon trope that would be translated to the human world, you know? I still think it's running, because, like, my leg going all the way around, dislocating from my hip, just seems horrifying.
This time, I thought it looked delish. And putting everything in your fridge, every condiment, every vegetable, every meat, including, you know, a whole fish between two slices of bread, yeah, it's the nastiest. But in cartoons, it looks like what sandwiches are supposed to look like. And they make them all the time. So it seems logical that it would be incredible.
But don't do it. You'll be so sick.
Now maybe you're thinking, okay, Carmen, I didn't even think those sandwiches looked good. All right, I hear you, but think about pizza in cartoons, like Ninja Turtles or any of the goofy movies. Just general 90s cartoons always have pizza. It looks great, right? No! Pizza in cartoons would be crazy in real life. It's drawn as yellow slime dripping off floppy triangle bread. If my cheese did that on a pizza, I would freak out. I love gooey cheese, but it would never look like this. But our brains have been trained to think that that looks scrumptious, right? I mean, even knowing this, those shots of creepy pizza make me want to go out and eat some pizza.
Just generally, food is weird in cartoons. But the act of eating is also drawn weird. Number one, cartoon characters are able to eat so much food. Wimpy, Garfield, and Jughead eat a few piles of burgers. In real life, if I tried, and I have tried to eat that many burgers, the meat sweats you get doing that consistently would be horrendous. Long term, just terribly unhealthy. And they eat whole burgers in one bite, maybe two bites sometimes. But most of the time, they aren't chewing.
Popeye squeezes a can so that the spinach flies down his throat. Try that in real life. Not only will you hurt your hand, but if you somehow managed to slide an entire can of spinach into your mouth, you would definitely gag.
Pain looks delightful in cartoons. Birds fly around your head, stars appear. But imagine if that actually happened. You get into a real crazy fight, someone punches you, and birds appear. Somewhere along the lines in cartoon law, that became normal. How? No matter how many times you and your brother punch each other in the face to achieve stars, and birds, and whistling bumps that rise out of your heads, you only end up with a taste of pennies in your mouth, concussions, and very mad parrots. Sports and cartoons generally look awesome.
But if you really think about it, it's crazy. Running is your legs unhinged from your hips and turning a full 360 degrees over and over again so it just looks like a circle of spinning legs, which would be horrifying. Swimming seems pretty fun and always looks instantly easy for some reason, but in reality, it is not. I took a lot of swimming lessons because I could not figure it out when I was little. In addition, constantly swallowing and spitting water into a fountain is not just ridiculous, but if you do it in real life, unhygienic and the antithesis of holding your breath underwater, you usually choke a little. Or in more severe cases, start to drown when you try this water fountain move.
Money looks so cool in cartoons. There are always these big cloth bags with money signs on them. Or they're just straight-up gold coins that you can jump in. But when in human existence does anyone walk around with a cloth bag and a money sign on it? You're just asking to get robbed if you do that. And gold coins? Heavy and not accepted in most stores. And if it is paper money, it's always in these money bouquets, which actually would be kind of nice. Weird, but nice. Actually, the banks might want to take note of how nice money bouquets would be.
Now, I know you're probably saying, Carmen, it's a cartoon. It's not supposed to be real. Yes, thank you. I know that now. But tell that to eight-year-old me.
All right, are we breaking for lunch, guys? Come on, guys. You know I can't eat this. OK, I'll try.
Thank you so much for watching. We hope you liked the video. And please subscribe if you want to see more of our videos.
Also, please comment below with the most uncomfortable cartoon trope that would be translated to the human world. I still think it's running, because my leg going all the way around, dislocating from my hip just seems horrifying. |
dropout | Very_Important_People_Trailer_New_Dropout_Series | In a world of constant chatter, there's one voice you can rely on good evening. I'm Vic Michaelis here with another edition of very important people Join me every week when we give a new comedian a complete makeover makeup prosthetics costumes the whole nine yards I think it's safe to say I'm a vampire. They'll have no idea what they look like until it's time to get in the hot seat Do you guys like fast grandma as a character without any prep they will join me for a completely improvised interview, please introduce yourself Spelled the way it sounds Centrifugal force is the force by which an object moving around a central point. You are a physicist.
I invented it You are not gonna get into a pageant I think they stop at 75 you think I'm over 75 Wasted away again in Margaritaville. These are the lessons of Jimmy Buffett Sounds like your mind's not right. So it seems like you need to get your body right. Oh, well trust me nice I suppose Isn't that better My nails can just be so difficult to work. No, I understand believe me Oh Princess Emily reporting live, okay So, what do you say let's get personal let's get real and heck let's have some fun Very important people it's where you'll find me and it's where I hope to find you |
cracked | what_the_media_won_t_tell_you_about_the_manti_te_o_hoax | So you remember how every kids show in the 90s promised that telling a single lie would destroy our lives in some contrived and hugely exaggerated way? Well, you guys, they were not bullsh**.
More now on the apparent hoax involving a top college football player, his online girlfriend who he now says turned out to be fake. To recap, the girlfriend of Bantay Teo died right before he led Notre Dame, which is like America's favorite college football team, to this like magical season. Then, a few weeks ago, we learned that his girlfriend didn't even exist.
Also, we learned how to make every person at ESPN involuntarily sh** where they're standing. All I'm saying to you is that again, connect the dots. The college football player spent two years not having sex with his girlfriend. Aren't those guys supposed to be like inventing new sexual positions with vaguely racist nicknames? We entered the demolition man phase of human sexuality where kids just like stare at chat windows with like fancy helmets on and like big futuristic unitards.
Was Mantay involved in this thing? Or better yet, was Teo hoaxing us to hide something. From December 6th to January 16th, my whole reality was that she was dead and all of a sudden she's alive. At that time, I didn't know that it was just somebody's prank. Oh, he's a dummy. Well, that's less fun. What do you make of the latest disclosure here that Mantay briefly lied about his online girlfriend after discovering she didn't exist? You know, does that impact your belief that he was more likely than not a victim in all of this? How is he going to regain trust?
Oh, oh, we're still doing this. I'm gonna break it down to you again this way.
You're in love with a girl you never met. It spans three years. You never met her.
All right. Settle down.
It's an athlete getting hoax, guys. That happens so often 12 NFL players went bankrupt since I started this sentence. The only difference is those hoaxes actually steal actual money, and you don't cover them. Also, those hoaxes are less stupid than this one, and this one managed to fool you, the media, for like six months. His credibility could be absolutely shattered in this thing. His credibility? His job is to simulate car crashes with his head in his body, and you're the ones with fact-checking in your job description, and you spent six months covering every detail breathlessly asking, like, Mantay, do you think your dead girlfriend's looking down on you? And follow up, scale of one to ten, how proud is she of this Notre Dame football team? So maybe lay off the emotionally destroyed simpleton who got fooled by the same extra stupid hoax that fooled literally all of you. Journalists are gullible.
No offense. Hey there. What's that? Oh, this?
Just an old relic from my childhood. You know, the old days. Hey listen, if you subscribe, you and I can have a catch together. Go deep. You know, let's just do a handoff. Good times. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_worst_of_soul_train_dvd_box_set_snl | The following is a paid advertisement for Time Live's Dvd collection. It was the must-see and most important urban music show ever. it was the hippest trip in America. it was the. Soul Train! Hello. welcome back to our celebration of Soul Train. I'm Smokey Robinson's white half-brother, Coffee Robinson. For those of you who loved our eight-disc collection, the Best of Soul Train, but weren't satisfied with only 120 hours of footage, we are now proud to present the worst of Soul Train. Featuring all the acts from the 70s and 80s that you tried to forget, like Shootin' Star with their song, Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I got pain in my joints, say ow, ow, ow I got swelling in my knees, say ow, ow, ow my arthritis is acting up, ow, ow, ow For how about Disco Blip? Gary St. marvelous with I saw you? and I turned around there on the ground. I saw you. I just saw my best friend die on the dance floor.
And don't forget, all 26 members of the Maxwell family performing their hit. Only one bathroom. there's only one bathroom, and there's 26 of us. I only get to shower every other month. Why did my parents keep on having kids? Our house is stanky and maybe you'll remember Triangle Sally With her only recorded song, I have a Triangle Triangle Sally. Triangle. Sally died halfway through that song and we did not edit it out.
And there are many more non-legends from the 70s and 80s like Daddy Big Hat and Cheryl, Chlamydia, Dale Newborns, and Gary Abramowitz. Plus, there are interviews with some of the original Soul Train dancers. What? yeah, hi, okay, yeah, hi, oh, okay, what? And of course there are even worse bands like this space-age mess called Robotics.
Does a robot drink champagne? Yes, a robot drinks champagne.
And of course there was the man himself, Diversity with a magical little number called I Just Need One We've been together such a long, long time and when you're near me, my heart does shine. So I got to ask before we start. It's a question straight from my heart. Can I see one today? Oh, girl, just give me one today. I just want to see one of your titties, Gary. So why wait? order the very worst of Soul Train today or they'll kill me. |
TheOnion | Climate_Change_Researcher_Describes_Challenge_Of_Pulling_Off_Worldwide_Global_Warming_Conspiracy | People don't realize how much work goes into convincing the public that climate change is real. Studies, conferences, documentaries, it's all a tireless effort by the global scientific community to pull the wool over the eyes of the general public. Getting every single scientist in the entire world to propagate the lie that human activity causes global warming is a colossal undertaking. At first we had to make sure everyone was on the same page about fossil fuels. A lot of researchers initially wanted to push the idea that burning natural gas makes the earth irreversibly colder. Even worse, some didn't want to focus on the environment at all. They just wanted to push the hoax that fluoride was slowly poisoning our children.
Those early days were really tough.
Luckily, we were able to make progress thanks to organizations like the Sierra Club, which streamlined the global warming lie into one clear, singular message that really made it much easier to pull one over on everybody. The 1992 Kyoto Protocol also did a lot to legitimize our conspiracy. It was a huge deal to have almost 200 countries come together to agree on crackpot terms like CO2 emissions and the ozone layer. Once celebrities started throwing their names behind the whole scam, things really took off and we've had people eating out of our hands ever since. This is a report published last year that says 20% of the Antarctic ice shelf is gone. It's co-authored by scientists from the National Institute of Ecology, MIT, and Oxford, and it's all bullshit. But luckily, the media bought into our scam pretty quick. At this point, the whole con can run itself. The legwork on this has been truly astounding. You don't even want to know how much planning has gone into making sure the Great Barrier Reef looks like shit. |
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You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Good morning, Australia, and a very special warm welcome to those brave men and women of the various police graffiti task forces around the country who are definitely listening to this week's podcast. We trust you enjoyed your weekend. You are listening to the Batooter Advocate News Hour here on Desert Rock FM, recording live from the Koala Sofa Studios, here in the heart of our town's UNESCO World Heritage listed old city district. As usual, this project has been uploaded to the internet for our listeners outside the channel country as well.
I'm Errol Parker. And I'm Clancy Overall. Hello, readers.
For those of you in the convict states, we hope your heads aren't hurting too much after last night's state of origin game two showdown. Always an enjoyable time, win or lose. Where did you watch the match, Errol?
I was in the waiting room of the Royal Batooter Hospital Maternity Ward, as you know, Clancy. Wait up, I didn't know that.
My daughter, Stella Clancy, my youngest daughter, who's also funnily enough, your god daughter, if you remember, she gave birth to a baby boy last night. They named him Sebastian, which, which which kind of irked me because that was the name that I always wanted to give a son of mine if I had one. But you know, as you know, as well, I was only gifted by the grace of God, two daughters.
If you don't mind me asking who was it with? You know him too. He's that slack jawed, marginally employed bloke she's been seeing for a while, known around the traps as Elvis, but his birth name was indeed Colin. Oh, the king, Elvis. I didn't know he was still on the scene. Yeah, he's still on the scene and he's been on the scene long enough to give me a bastard grandson. And he's going to stay on the scene too, Clancy, if he knows what's good for him. Well, all the best to him and her and the bub. And I guess you as well.
Are they living with you? Yeah, you know, like most young people these days, they've shacked up with their parents. We've had to board up the back veranda into some sort of makeshift nursery.
You know, it's enough to keep the light frost off this time of year. But by God, it's colder than the Queen's mum's big toe down there in her grave of an early morning when the frost comes down there in the hours before sunrise.
The neighbors, however, say they're they're nigh on calling docs they told me this morning, but I was quick to tell them that all those highly developed socialist leftist nations such as Denmark that we lost to, in my opinion, on Friday night, I think that a drawer is a loss. It should be considered a loss in my book.
Anyway, countries like Denmark and Sweden and Norway and, and Scandinavia and Finland. Yeah, you know, all those scan oblondo countries, they leave their babies out in in the snow all the time. So I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Yeah, well, they're the they're the countries that everyone in the Western Hemisphere always tries to model themselves off, aren't they?
You know, like, they're like the friend that you have at school that your mother always compares you to. They're always the good child. They're the ones who never act up like you do.
Anyway, they've moved in to my place, they've moved into my study. So my novels gone on hold for the moment. So I've having to use that as an excuse to not get the second draft off to the editor. And they've also been kind enough to put a few avocados there in the kitchen, which I'm not allowed to touch.
Yes, yes, it sounds like an empty nest of point two. It's a very common household in Australia in this current economy.
Yeah, no, good luck. Good luck.
And it's probably a better time than any to recommend that you visit our friends at Koala. They can sort your mattress or a sofa in a couple hours there. I'll just visit koala.com. We do have a discount code here for $200 off. That's Struth200, S-T-R-U-T-H 200 for $200 off your koala sofa or koala mattress. I'm sure you need to get them a bed. I'm of the opinion that a koala mattress is too good for this bag of shit that is my soon-to-be son-in-law.
Anyway, I get chills each morning when I come out into the living room and see him sleeping bare ass on my late-great-aunt's futon. You know, my uncle, one of your mentors actually, he was conceived on that futon. It's a family heirloom. There's more double helixes of parker family DNA on that futon than there are strands of hair on the floor of a New Delhi barber shop, Clancy.
Gross. Everything you just said was gross.
Moving on, this week's guest is a renegade street artist, muralist and graffiti artist. He's made headlines right around the country and around the world for his artwork. The Christian's don't much like him, Errol, and neither do any of the politicians. He's legally grey murals have fired shots at Palaszczuk government officials, Palaszczuk herself, Bill Shorten, Abbot and George Pell, and that's just the political stuff he's done. Yes, the maniac that is Scotty Marsh is joining us in the studio for an interview, but before we delve into that world of at-risk young men with spray cans jangling around in their backpacks, we should take a moment, Clancy, to discuss the at-risk men with face tattoos.
Big, big, big news coming out of the Dolphins this week. Yes, yes, our storied terracotta and navy footballers, the Batutah Dolphins, have signed a star player from the east as of Sunday. Our first grade side will be graced with the elegant footwork and gap-finding expertise of a troubled city kid, and bear with me here, I think, I believe it is Lelessio Prince, who's made his way out from one of the cities in the east. He's tried his luck in Japan. He's tried his luck in in bush league, you know, further east. He's tried it, you know, he's had a start in several clubs. He's actually a bit too much of a live wire, but, you know, as the saying goes at the Batutah Dolphins, we'll have him. And with that, the Dolphins are doing actually quite well this season with their little 22-10 win over Bedoura on the weekend.
We haven't seen a margin like that in some time. So it has been a while hasn't it?
For the listeners outside of town, we should give a little bit of a context about this club and just what it means to our town. Now the origins of the Batutah RLFC Rugby League Football Club date back to 1816 when the first Northern English convicts made their way to the Diamantina and began living alongside the local Indigenous people and the Afghan Camalese. Yes, most of them were from the northern town of Huddersfield, home of the Burgess brothers who found a home down there in Sydney's cosmopolitan Redfern district. It was around that time when Australian Rugby League went from being an infantile game for Rugby Union mutineers to an institutionalised national pastime, providing opportunities for at-risk and barely behaved young men.
The Batutah Dolphins jersey, which is suitable for both winter and summer months, it's a good, intelligent, smart breathing wool and cotton blend. It can be made yours in a matter of working days. Join our humble Western Queensland town as we chase victory in the Channel Country Rugby League this year and look to raise the shield that hasn't sat on the shelves of our clubhouse mantelpiece since 1967, the year after we changed from pounds and pence to dollars and cents. It's been that long. Yes, yes. You can pick up a player's jersey yourself.
Just visit www.batutahoutfitters.com.au. And then follow the links from there.
Alright, I can see Scotty Marsh there. I'll just have to pull you up there. Clancy is waving at me through the glass. Hello, Scotty. Alright, for those listeners in the Northern Territory and South Australia, we'll be going to a short ad break before we go to Scott. Please stay tuned for Scotty Marsh. For those local listeners in town and those tuning in around the world via our syndicated radio broadcast in the United Kingdom and the United States, plus our new podcast listeners, there probably won't be an ad. Just an awkward pause as the station stitches these two segments together. Well, here we are with Scotty Marsh.
Arguably Australia's answer to Banksy, Australia's answer to Warhol. If Warhol had a habit of taking his work outdoors and evading authorities while he painted it, we are here with Scotty Marsh, mural artist, graffiti extraordinaire.
Thanks for joining us. Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming down, Scotty. No problem.
He's just been putting up a few panels on a few silos out in the backcountry. So it was good that we could catch this nationwide graffiti vandal, I guess. But also, you know, iconic mural artist who's, you've put up a number of walls around the country, made a lot of headlines of late. He actually did one for us, didn't he, Errol? Yeah, he did do one of us a while back, didn't he?
Up in Brisbane in Fortitude Valley. Oh, yeah, that one. Yeah. When you painted over that, that fucking lister. Yeah. No, I didn't get to finish it, unfortunately, but Queensland Jacks came and shot me. Yeah. So, yeah, tell us a little bit about that. That particular wall you did in Brisbane was an article of ours. I mean, you pretty much got all the way there. You, what, you were on the finishing touches when the police pulled up? Yeah. Probably because Palaszczuk, Nana Stasia, the Premier of Queensland, had sent the fuzz down there to stop you.
Yeah, it was funny because I was there for five days, writing all the texts. Entire article. Just like a whole lot of fun. Because you write it in chalk first, and then you write it with paint. So I got to write it twice.
Yeah. But yeah, the second I started painting Nana Stasia within an hour, the dressing down there. Yeah. Which is kind of interesting. It's almost like Joe's back. Joe's running the show again, you know? Protesters will be arrested or shot. Now, you started in graffiti, putting up panels, I guess you could say. Yep. Trains? Yeah. So my background, I guess, is in traditional graffiti, you'd call it, painting trains, doing illegal stuff that the guy that I kind of fear likes to blow up about every six months, bloody taxpayer dollars, rudda rudda. So yeah, I guess I was that guy once upon a time, and then that's kind of evolved into what I do now. You commercialized it with real money. Yeah.
I started paying pitches instead of words. So I'm not going to ask you what your first tag was, but how prolific were you in your area before you decided to make the jump from scratching eight letters into a bus window, and opposed to sort of becoming more political? Well, I'll tell you what my first tag was, actually. I was 12 years old, and I come back from school holidays, and someone had just destroyed my school with cope tags.
There's a legendary graffiti writer from New York who writes cope, but it's not him, obviously. It's not pretending to be. It's actually like riding Banksy everywhere.
Yeah. And just instantly I was attracted to it. I was like, that's dope.
I don't know what it is. Had no idea what graffiti was, but just went home and started scribbling in my books.
And then the next day started writing BOPE. BOPE. All right. Which everyone at school used to tell me it's the bum open penis enter, because BOPE wasn't very cool back then. Yeah, right.
So you kind of took inspiration from the New York graffiti artist who, and in turn, the person who was pretending to be him. I guess that's a roundabout way of putting it. Yeah, I was biting, I guess. So was that, you first started putting that around the school, and then I guess that's not necessarily too illegal in the scheme of things. Well, it is, in a way, it is criminal damage, I suppose, in the eyes of the law. But when did you decide to make the transition from being a schoolyard vandal to being a more fully-fledged type of vandal?
I don't know.
I'm trying to think back to then. I was doing graffiti from then, from that moment, when I was in year five or something like that. All through my early mid-20s or whatever, through my teens. It was something I took super seriously. It was the only thing I did. Like when my mates were out partying and going out at 2am in the morning or something like that, I'd be like sitting in a bush, looking at a security guard, walk back and forth in front of a train, waiting for a time to paint for 10 minutes or something like that. Those days are kind of behind me.
It's an all-consuming kind of hobby, and I guess art is the only thing that I've found that can really fill that thing. It's really addictive, and that's why people get caught and they just keep painting again the second they get caught or whatever. Can you explain that psyche? Because for all the things that you should be worried about your teenage kid doing, for some reason painting a lovely, colourful series of words, I guess it is vandalism, but that is grouped up there with dealing drugs and all kinds of shit that teenagers get up to. What do you think it is that makes people want to be so illegally artistic? It's fun.
And it's more about, especially these days now, that it's a lot harder. It's a lot more about, I guess, one, a community. You're part of a kind of underground, I guess, community and subculture.
And two, it's a lot more about the planning and the organizing of painting. You might spend three days organizing something and making sure it's all good to paint and then paint for 10 minutes.
I don't know, there's something addictive about it. It's hard to explain to people who aren't involved in it, but anyone who's a graffiti writer will tell you that it's just a lot of fun.
So just going back, I'm assuming that you have sort of felt the cold, hard steel of a pair of handcuffs around your wrists for your art. If you can, what was your first arrest like? You know, how you had to go back and talk to your parents about being arrested and how did that spur you on or did that kind of make things seem a bit realer?
Well, it's one of those things that I guess when you really paint a lot of graffiti, you're going to get busted eventually. It doesn't matter how organized or how careful you are. Luck's always a factor and your luck runs out eventually.
Imagine you're robbing servos. You robbed four servos a week.
How long do you reckon that would last? That's a hell of a habit. Yeah, but it's obviously not the same amount of, a lot of the time there is the same amount of investigation. These days it goes into it, but it's that kind of thing. So eventually you're going to get busted. I got busted a few times. I guess that's just part of the way it goes. It just kills your mojo for a little bit and then you're in court and you're back out there kicking goals.
So there is, you've been around, you know, you've been, people in your industry refer to it as a spraycation. You know, when you go somewhere else, you go to another city, go suss it out, go meet the scene there. I mean, you've been overseas.
Have these convictions prevented you from doing anything or are they just, they're section 10 or lower? If you have been convicted of anything. Yeah, I don't think they, I think the thing with America, everyone's scared that you can't get into America if you have a criminal record.
Yeah. Tick no. Yeah. I've got a lot of friends who have serious criminal records that just tick no and they go straight in. Yeah, right, right, right. Yeah, okay. Tick no you idiots. Yeah, yeah, all right, well, but you know.
What's the worst that could happen? They're just in your home. Fuck, whatever. Can you, can you run us through how that would happen? Say you pulled up into, oh, you've pulled up into Batutera. You want to get to know some of the locals, you know, some of the local writers around here. The Great Wall of Batutera. How do you do that? Do you go online? Magazines?
How, like in any city, you know, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, you pull up there. Well, you know, you've got social media these days, so, and like I said, you're part of a community. It really is a global community. Yep. You can go to any country in the world and, you know, you can find someone to take you out painting, to hang out with you, show you the city, and then in return, you know, you return the favour when they come here. I guess it's like anything.
My dad used to be into Scottish country dancing. You're old, man. Yes, he was a bit of a dog, but he used to always tell me that he was part of the Scottish country dancing community. Yeah. And whenever I'd travel, he'd try and link me up with his Scottish country dancing friends to let me stay. Look after my boy.
I'm right, but it's the same thing. There's a shit community here.
Don't worry, dad. I'm staying with some guys in a warehouse and we're going to go do illegal graffiti overnight. His backpack's very noisy.
So can you tell us a little bit about some big names in that world? Before we get into your actual commissioned and your actual, a lot of your work isn't commissioned actually, but a lot of your murals and stuff. Well, before we get there, we'll just go into that scene a little bit more. Are there any big names?
Is Australia on the map in this world? Yeah, for sure. Australia is usually on the map in terms of train painting. I think like a lot of the top guys in the world are from Australia. I don't know. It's something about Australians because we're so far away.
When we travel somewhere, especially Europe, places like that, we stay there for a long time and we juice the most out of it. And here's always been, I guess, traditionally difficult.
So you go over there and you're just like, fucking yeah. And you used to cut six. So yeah.
And I also like within the street art community and the mural community globally, a lot of the thing that people don't, I guess, realize is that I always get, oh, your mural looks awesome, but I hate those fucking taggers. But you know, I was a fucking tagger. And so we're like all the top kind of tear guys in street art and the guys whose work I like the most and the guys who most people's work, they like the most.
They all have this, share the same kind of background as me, but they just don't really talk about it very much, I guess. Because I've been discouraged to talk about it by kind of gallery type people and art people. But you know, it's part of my story. So, and it's really has been the most important thing in my life. So if I wasn't talking about it, I'd just be full of shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there any cities in Australia that stand out? Ah, yeah, well, Melbourne is a global graffiti city. Yeah. Some, you know, on the, I guess, similar to cities like Berlin, and I guess, New York now to a lesser extent, but yeah, Punicieris is another one. So the cops are more tolerant of, of Not really, it's just got a really rich graffiti culture that's gone back a long way, like Sydney's got a really rich culture as well. So there's Brisbane, but something about Melbourne, especially there. There's a lot more street stuff in Melbourne, a lot more alleyways. Yeah, a lot more alleyways, but they don't tend to claim it off as hard. So it gets a chance to kind of blossom, I guess. Yeah.
I remember briefly in the early 2000s, Queensland police had an actual graffiti enforcement. They actually had a unit.
Every city has that. Every city had that?
Yeah. There was, it was hysterical in Brisbane for a while, because there was a particular Josh Mars. No, Sophles. Yeah, Sophles, yeah.
Josh Mars was the head of the unit that was chasing him. Oh, right. Oh, that was the cop chasing him. You know the cop's name. He was off the clock to run around in his pajamas trying to catch people. Yeah, right. Legend.
Because some of those guys, some of those guys that came out of Brisbane are some of the, some, you know, some of the first kind of street art guys that have made that transition in social media, Sophles being one of them. So what happens there? Is there any, do the graffiti artists ever get encouraged by cops or just to, you know, hey guys, why are you running from us all night? Or, you know, do you ever get that encouragement to steer that into, you know, a career or? Not really, but those kind of junctions, I guess, in your life.
I know for Sophles, he was in the media when he got busted. It was a bit of a big deal. And that meant, one, he had a whole lot of legal fees he had to pay for. And two, he couldn't really paint for a bit. So he used his energy going down that legal avenue during that period. So that was his kind of junction that went that way.
I was actually living in Brisbane in a squat with Sophles Finted McGee, who's like another well-known street artist, and Guido van Helten in Brisbane. Guido does, he does the silos, doesn't he?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he did that big one of the bush, where was that? Brim, I think it was. In Victoria, wasn't it? No, no, he did one up in Western Queensland. He's done a few. Oh, yeah, yeah. Canalepan, which is like on the border of South Australia. Brim, a few others.
But yeah, we're all living in like a squat thing in Brisbane in Fortitude Valley for a year. And it was that that was right after Sophles got caught. Finton was starting to go that direction as well. Because we're all painting trains together prior to that in Brisbane. So we lived there for a year. And it just so happened that all at the same time, we just kind of started sending out energy towards the art stuff a bit more and to the graffiti stuff a bit less. And it's been kind of cool because we've all kind of taken that journey together. And then we've all somehow a bunch of graffiti retards living in a squat have become reasonably successful.
So hypothetically speaking, how, how long would it take for you and a team of blokes to completely paint the size of a Q rail train? You give me four good men.
Yeah. Anywhere between three minutes as long as you have, I guess. Yeah.
So so just, just, just for the listeners, some of these names of these blokes that Scotty's talking about, you know, in past tense that you might have lived with have funny names, because a lot of the time you refer to these blokes by their actual tag. Yeah, well, the funny thing with Finton is he's got Irish background. He's got the most Irish name in the universe. And everyone thinks it's a joke name, but it's actually his name.
Okay. Guido van Helten's Dutch. And it's the same thing. It sounds like a joke, made up street art name. That's his actual name.
Sophles. Sophles is a, is a tag.
So back to that question, I'll just ask, what, what kind of stuff you're working with? I've seen fire extinguishers get used. How does that, how do you get down to just up there with Dulux paint cans or what in terms of graffiti or in terms of the three minutes or five minutes you need to do a whole entire side of a council train? Or either that, or you're on the iron lacks. Oh, I just spray paint when you're doing the most part, unless you're trying to do something a bit up high and out of the way, maybe he's rolling on fire extinguisher or something. So fire extinguisher, you just jam. How does that work? You fill it with paint and then you fill the PSI up and you just blast it. That's a lot of paint. You don't want to do it inside because occasionally they can kind of blow up and make a bit of a mess.
Yeah, right. In total.
I was once staying at a guy's house in Poland. I totaled his apartment kitchen box. Like, don't do it inside, please. I'm like, mate, it'll be fine. I've done this before. I haven't stayed at his house again.
Time to hit the road. Thanks for having me. Give me a yell next time you're in Australia. I think one thing that we do need to cover is I think a lot of our listeners and readers would know you from, from some of the more politically charged murals you've done down there in the harbour capital of Sydney. Most recently, the Richard Di Natale on the back of some pub down there in County Newtown, which was painted over probably arguably your most controversial recent piece of Cardinal George Pell and former Prime Minister Tony Abbott there in a bit of a erotic situation. Preach around.
Post plebiscite. Yeah, post plebiscite, Pete.
And that was actually, it was scrubbed or buffed, I think was the term that you used. Yeah, I think it copped at first. I think within two hours of me actually finishing it, it copped a bucket of white paint on Mr. Pell's face, which I thought was very funny and very topical. Thanks for coming. And then the next night, a group of blokes rocked up and basically staunched everyone at the pub and just rolled the whole thing black. So that was, for the listeners who might not be familiar with this particular mural that Scotty did, it was just after the results of the plebiscite had come through where we found that... Yeah, so I planted, well a little bit of backstory.
So I painted a mural of Tony Abbott marrying himself during the plebiscite in Redfern. And I had a few different concepts I wanted to paint. The second one after that was Tony on his hen's night in drag, which I thought was kind of funny, drinking pinos out of a penis straw. Hen's party. And so literally the night before I was painting it, like God himself had come down and spoken to me and whispered in my ear, what do they have at hen's party, Scott? And I was like, male strippers.
And then I just thought of adding Pell last minute and he kind of got in there. Cardinal Pell. So, yeah, that one kind of evolved while I was painting it, I guess. So Pell got added.
The title was a suggestion from someone passing by, the happy ending. And then just the way it was painted, the hand was going down the front. So I thought it was appropriate, you know, for Tony to be breaking the no touching rule. Yeah. And put his hands down the front of his sluggos. That was the line, I think.
So it was the depiction of Tony Abbott. It was Tony Abbott's hand that was indeed down the front of Cardinal Pell's. The highest ranking Catholic clergyman in Australia getting a hand job. On the hand of his hand on the cock of God. Exactly right on the shaft.
And that got a lot of heat behind that in terms of that area's Catholic Christian community. And like you said, painted over within hours. Yeah, I don't know if it was that area's community. A lot of the people in that community, Christians had messaged me saying how they were kind of embarrassed about how it all went. And they wanted to, there was one church group that offered to help me repaint the mural, which was very nice of them. But it was a bit more devout. I think a lot of it was the emotion behind what had happened, you know. So those groups that had taken a bit of an L in the plebiscite were not super happy. And there's a lot of emotion around the event. And in Newtown, you know, it was expressed with people just happy as fuck. But in some areas, not so much. So we did read in the newspaper that the pub did receive a bit of backlash for that mural.
I was just wondering if you yourself received any as well. Yeah, I got a lot of death threats and hate mail. I had quite a few people who were posing as clients wanting to buy works and come to my studio, which after a bit more research ended up to be concretors slash motorbike enthusiasts slash Christians.
Yeah. So that's an interesting way.
Hello, I would like to buy one of your paintings. Yeah, I've got some where I want you to paint a mural.
So do you think if they came over, do you think they would be willing to break a few of their 10 commandments to be right in the eyes of God? Maybe they wanted to read me a Bible passage. Get me to change my way. I guess we'll all die wondering them, won't we?
Yeah. Machine gun preachers. Man, there was one bloke who actually came down whilst painting the Tony Abbott man himself. Yeah.
And read me Bible passages for a good half an hour, telling me how I was going to hell. And he was trying to save me. I've still got the Bible in my studio. He's highlighted. He's, you know, folded all the pages that I had to read as homework, which is nice of him.
So a lot of graffiti artists, while they come across and guys that venture into street art, come across as kind of, you know, ratty kind of hoodlums. Yeah. There is an element of politics to it all. Are you, you wouldn't be alone in that. You know, you can put up a, you know, in a matter of hours, a political mural, just to kind of capture what you think is happening in the climate.
Are many people doing that in Australia? Not a whole lot of people are doing political work in Australia.
I don't know why that is.
I do know for me, you know, when you're trying to make a career as an artist, at some point you've got to try and make some money so you can pay your bills. And I used to reach out to galleries and different artists and stuff like that to try and, you know, get advice or whatever.
And from the galleries, my feedback was generally, don't associate yourself with graffiti. People don't like graffiti. Don't paint political work. Does it sell? Don't paint murals. We don't sell murals. We sell paintings.
And essentially, you know, everything that I do now is the opposite of what they provide me. Everything that's been successful is the opposite. So maybe that's got something to do with it.
People don't want to paint political work because they can't sell it or something. Like I generally don't really make any money out of the political work, but it's fun. And if it's not fun, I couldn't be fucked to be honest with you. If I wanted to do something not fun, I would have kept working in a pizza joint.
And you come in with your own, you know, and it is refreshing to hear, like, I guess, different takes while that particular one you're talking about, Abbott marrying Abbott and an Abbott giving Pell a hand job is wildly offensive to some people. It's a refreshing kind of take coming from, you know, a different person. Someone who's, you know, probably it's a voice that people aren't usually hearing, which is just, you know, guys that kind of do panels and do different shit. You're not a political commentator, you're a street artist. And what we find interesting is you've got such different takes on different, you know, you've teed off on Pell and Abbott.
You've teed off on Shorten. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that one? Yeah, that was about the Batman by-election and just his kind of back and forth on the Adani project and, you know, coming into Melbourne and saying, oh, I don't know about this. And then heading out up North Queensland saying, yeah, I'm all about it, you know. So just trying to play it both ways, which is like some classic politics. But yeah, that's what that was about, really. Yeah, there's another one I'd like to explore a bit. It's also down there in the Bohemian parts of Sydney.
Down there is the mural that got scrubbed of George Michael, where he was arguably depicted as a saint, despite being a latent homosexual. He was very openly homosexual, the late homosexual.
Yes, yeah, I guess that's a more apt way to describe it. So that one got scrubbed too by some children of God. Yeah, so the group behind scrubbing the Pell Abbott mural was a Facebook group called Christian Lives Matter. And the guy who run that basically made a call to arms about that mural and people destroyed it. Then he had obviously looked through my Instagram to try to find any other blasphemous material, which he deemed George Michael that. And so he made another call to arms, I guess, on his Facebook page. And then people just started attacking it, you know. I think there was one, I think attacked what, four or five times. And it had also been attacked during the plebiscite with eggs and like people writing homophobic stuff on it. But I'd been scrubbed off and been fixed.
So no one really paid too much attention to that. But it's really close to where the other mural was. So they just kind of went there and then went down the road and messed that up. It wasn't a political mural, it was a tribute to it. It was the least controversial mural I think I've ever painted. It was about as spicy as American mustard, you could say. Well, it was real sad because it had become like a shrine.
And like people would go there and leave candles and notes and gifts for George. The owners of the building who were actually friends with George, they would go out there and spend time with him. It would really become like a bit of a shrine for people to kind of celebrate his life and remember him.
And it had nothing to do with religion, you know. The image of someone as a saint with a gold halo around their head has been re-appropriated like 10,000 times.
I think I saw Snoop Dogg as... Yeah. Yes, people dealt with football all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the claim was that it was the Sacred Heart, that image of Jesus with his hands up or whatever, which it wasn't actually. It was from, you know, I always researched a bit into these murals.
So in terms of saints, it's like 150 of them. They're saints of prostitutes, they're saints of beer, they're saints of everything. The idea was him as the patron saint of the gays. And so when I asked the guys who were friends with him, you know, what should he be holding in his hands because he didn't have something from their patronage, they were like, am I on a joint, which I was like, that's fucking hilarious. A hundred percent.
Yeah, but they didn't like it, so they painted it black. I guess that's the beautiful thing about, you know, art in a public space as opposed to a gallery. If you don't like it, you can just throw shit at it.
Is there a patron sort of saint of graffiti artists?
There isn't, maybe. No.
I should make one. I guess it would be someone like Sane. Sane or Banksy. Actually, who was... Would it be Banksy? What's the thoughts on Banksy?
I mean, he has made a lot of money through pretty much coming from similar beginnings as you and a lot of your mates. Does anyone know what's going on there? Like he's actually, in the eyes of the media, still very much anonymous. I'm not sure. I don't know too much about him, to be honest with you.
Like, I like his work. Graffiti writers get, there's this kind of, I guess it's, I compare it to skiers versus snowboarders. Yeah. It's like graffiti artists versus street artists. You know, they're both pretty much the same thing, but for some reason, they just want to butt heads all the time. Yeah. They're just competing over, I guess, the same space, I'm saying. So he gets a lot of hate from that kind of community, but whatever.
He's doing cool stuff. People, you know, can relate to it. They like it. They get enjoyment out of it. Enjoy it.
Now, Palaszczuk, where did the drive, I mean, and that's where we first kind of came in contact with you, when you jumped on an article we'd written, which was about Palaszczuk. And the reef. We've done an article saying, yeah, Anastasia Palaszczuk has said that she'll sort out the bleaching of the reef once she sorts out the graffiti in the city, which then made a great mural for you.
And like you said, you had to write the entire article. Did a bit of sub-editing for us as well, thank you.
Yeah. Across, you know, what, three stories in Fortitude Valley in Brisbane. It was a massive wall. It was maybe the biggest wall, I think, I've ever painted. Yeah.
It was over the top of a lista, and I don't know about you, but we did receive a lot of letters and a lot of emails and some phone calls regarding the vandalism of that lista piece. I was just wondering if you ever got any words hurled at you from through that chain link fence there. I think a few people mentioned it, but the lista piece was already kind of, had graffiti stuff all over it.
But I called him before and just said, hey mate, heads up. I want to paint this mural over this spot. It's a spot that has a high turnaround, like I think.
Yeah. A few times a year or something like that. Well, now there's just like, yeah, man, go for it. Good luck. And that was the end of that. Yeah. So you guys do that. You do contact each other and say, hey, I think your thing's looking a bit weary now. I'm going to. Yeah. I'd like to paint over it. Like if you're looking for a space and then, you know, if there's like, cool, go for it and go for it. I guess.
Um, and so, so with that mural, Palaszczuk, where did your beef with her begin? Well, it started with the Adani project.
So when I was younger, I was lucky enough to do a few trips to the Barrier Reef with some family friends and we'll go snorkeling and do some spear fishing and other stuff around there. And man, it is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. And I've been lucky enough to travel a lot. Um, and you know, once finding out what's going on with the Adani project and the environmental stuff around it and the coral bleaching, um, you know, I was just fired up. So I was painting a lot of murals about that, um, project. I've had quite a few now, I think like four or five or something like that.
Yeah. But I probably keep painting them as it keeps going. I guess it's kind of gone quiet now for a little bit. Um, but they, they seem to think that it's still going to go ahead. Yeah. So you had Palaszczuk, you had one mural, which was Palaszczuk holding a gun to Nemo's head from finding Nemo. Yeah. Very emotive artwork, that one in the middle of Brisbane. Actually, I had a few like parents with their young kids walk past and the kids were like, she's shooting Nemo. Uh, so I'd, so I'd imagine the coppers were down there pretty, uh, No, that one actually wasn't really painted with permission. Oh, right. I just kind of did it. Um, it was on the side of the Greens building, but that just got Yeah, yeah, yeah. context, I think. Yeah.
It was actually directly opposite the cop shop that I realized halfway through the time I was paying, I was like, why is there so many fucking cops behind me all the time? I realized there was a cop shop behind me.
That's a good recon by you. Yeah, if you've got a bunch of ladders and buckets of paint and shit, you look like you've got permission. Yeah, right. Yeah.
And, and, and did you get any actual buy, like blowback apart from the cops on those murals you've done, um, through our Queensland? Did you get any bites from the top straight, you know, from the Queensland government?
I think she, she did comment on it in one article. I think she said something like, I've got too much time on my hands or something like that. I've got all the time in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell us a little bit about Nolzy. Ah, Nolzy.
Uh, yeah, so I just gave Cronulla the big Nolzy. Nambour has the big pineapple. Ballina has the big prawn. And now Cronulla has the big Nolzy. Yeah, it's the, uh, it's the classic pose of him, um, uh, pulling, uh, his shirt to the side and pointing to the Southern Cross tattoo over his heart.
Yes. Yeah. That's why I thought it was appropriate. I don't know.
I found, I found his face, but somehow I ended up on Shannon's Facebook and the comments on his images were just too fucking funny. I was laughing for ages. I was like, I don't paint Nolzy, I don't paint Nolzy in the shire.
And then, yeah, that was the image that I kind of stuck with. It was good. He kind of went down and got a selfie in front of it. It was a real good sport about it. Seems like a bit of a champion. Yeah. Um, and yeah, it was a bit of fun.
Now we've got to ask for, uh, you street artists, former, former graffiti artists. Is there ever a time when, uh, you blokes, particularly when you might be overseas, might not be in Australia doing these things where you just like therapeutically need to go out back to where it all began?
Yeah, it's good for the soul. Yeah. Graffiti is good for the soul. That's what I say to, you know, a lot of my friends. The cops. Yeah. Just give me a break guys. It's good for the soul.
Uh, yeah, I've not done too much of it these days, but, um, yeah, it would be nice to, you know, put the fingers on a few spray cans every now and then. But you know, now I'm just so busy as well. I don't really have the time to do it. The art stuff's really taking up a lot of my time and I'm not a good multitasker at all. So I can only do one thing at a time. Really? Like if I've got one job on, I just cancel everything else that's going on and just, I have to hone in otherwise I can't do it.
Yeah. Right. And do you, with that underground scene, would you ever meet someone who, you know, might be hiding in plain sight? Someone wearing a suit saying, you know, um, I know your work, you know, people, people that are familiar with graffiti, even though like someone who's been a part of that community, do you, do you run into people like that around the place? Yeah, yeah. I think within that community, a lot of the people kind of recognize who my past, they kind of know what's going on. Um, and yeah, I don't know.
Um, yeah, they enjoy it and I don't know, it's being, it's being cool, I guess, for me, because graffiti has been such a big part of my life and the work that I make in the studio, a lot of it's about, I guess, graffiti and my time graffiti, the tools that I use. I learned doing graffiti. So I owe it, I feel like a kind of bit of a debt of gratitude. And that's why I kind of try to, I guess, change people's ideas about, you know, all fucking taggers. But what people have to understand that come up to me and say, I hate tags, but I love murals is the tags, like the seed or whatever. And the murals, the big tree with all the flowers on it. And every part of that evolution is important because if, you know, I started with the tag and now I'm doing those meals that you like so much.
So just writing letters is how it all begins, writing a certain word that you kind of go by. Yeah, well, it's like if, if everyone who, you know, drew stupid pictures on their notepad at home, started drawing those stupid pictures all over other people's property, you'd fucking hate drawing, you know, drawing stupid, those drawing pricks. So it's the same thing when you've got a bunch of young kids, you know, doing graffiti and writing their names or the tags or stuff all over the place where you can see it. And they're probably not very good at it, especially in the early days. And a lot of the guys that are really, really prolific, um, obviously, obviously, usually quite young and like full of beans and they're out there just writing on everything.
So that's where you see the most. That's where people, I guess, get the shits with it. But in terms of tags, you know, it's just typography. There's a lot of artists who just do tags, who are very successful that sell their work for, you know, tens of thousands of dollars around the world. And it looks awesome, but it's because they're doing, I guess, good tags. Yeah.
Well, with that, Scotty, do you have any advice for any young kids that are in school and considering breaking into a train yard overnight with a couple of cans of iron lack and putting up panels? What would your advice be to the young kids?
Uh, you know, I'm not going to tell anyone to not do graffiti because I did it and I like it, I guess. And it's fucking fun. Yeah. And it's fucking fun, mate.
But I'm also not going to tell them to do it, you know, just be, I guess, be safe and be careful. It's the main thing, especially if you're running around near trains and on the rail corridor. Really, you have to pay attention and keep your wits about you because you can get hit by a train and you fucking die. So you probably shouldn't have your headphones in. Yeah, definitely don't have your headphones in and just don't be drunk and don't be like chatting with your mates and talking shit and being a bit of a goose. Take it seriously because that's where you get in trouble.
And never talk to cops. Yeah, never talk to, never put on cuffs, mate. Never talk to cops. Snitches get stitches. As soon as those handcuffs are on your wrists, don't say another word. Don't sing, mate.
Until you've got a lawyer. I want to see my lawyer. I want to see my lawyer for this.
No, because these cops, you know, these cops, they will, they will pretend to be your mate. They'll just say, oh, mate, you know, oh, they will, bro. We catch you all the time and they fucking go on about all the shit with the cops.
What type of spray paint you love? Oh, I love that type of spray paint. You love that type of spray paint?
Turn the chair around backwards.
Yeah. I think I saw your tag up on the north side. It's like, no you didn't, cunts. Righto, thanks Scotty, mate. We'll finish with a quote from Simon and Garfunkel, which actually I feel like endorses graffiti artists for the kids since Scotty won't officially do it. And the words of the prophet were written on the subway walls. Is that, yeah, that's kind of what inspired a lot of you kids was the music of Simon and Garfunkel. Oh yeah, for sure. That's where it all started. Yeah. Thanks for joining us Scotty. Thanks guys. And on the way out, if you could try not to scratch your tag into any windows or... I've already fucked up your bathroom. Yeah, all right. Looks like an Aussie hip hop gig in there. Thanks Scotty.
And that was Scotty Marsh coming up to the top of the hour. We've run out of time once again.
Stay tuned for the News Bulletin with Bruce Hitchcock, followed by Hello Sport with Tom and Ed. Until next week, my name is Errol Parker, and thank you for being with us. I'm Clancy Overell, you be kind to each other.
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cracked | weak_body_captain_america_was_almost_succession_actor_jeremy_strong | You remember in the first Captain America movie where they superimpose his head onto a tiny weakling body? Well, they almost cast someone who would become a big star to play that role of weakling body. And that person was, Succession's, Jeremy Strong. The actor said he was offered the role for the Secret Marvel project when he was broke and needed work, but he just didn't feel like his talents were really being utilized to be the scrawny version of Captain America, and his face wouldn't even be seen. Do we need to sweeten the offer? So Strong turned down the role and moved to New York the next day, because he felt his talents weren't being valued, which, as we all know now, is true. And it turns out that Chris Evans actually grew up with Jeremy Strong in Sudbury, Massachusetts, and was surprised to learn that he almost played his body double.
He had no idea. Who knows what kind of mind-blowing performance Strong could have given us as tiny Captain America. But it was probably just given to the kid who did the creepy body double for Mike Myers in The Love Guru. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Lech_Blaine | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show, recording live here in downtown Batooda. Budgie Smuggler studios in the old city district. You're joined today by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooda Advocate and of course, Errol Parker, editor at large.
A bit going on in Queensland this week. They've been able to neutralise the cluster, they think, down there in South Brisbane. And Palaszczuk has announced that Queensland will be, Brisbane more specifically, will be holding the AFL Grand Final, what is it, maybe a week after the state election?
Yeah. 30,000 people capacity. First time it's ever left the MCG. There'll be a lot of filthy members of the Melbourne Cricket Club right now, I imagine. There's only going to be about four or five blokes down the pineapple down there in Brisbane. Yeah, yeah. The punny. I mean, I reckon there'll be some dribblers, depending on which team get in, there'll be dribblers that'll be coming up and isolating for two weeks just to watch the fucking thing.
I don't think that Queenslanders, though, are bandwagon fans. Unless the Lions have won three premierships in a row and look like they're getting a fourth, then that's when Queenslanders jump into AFL. But today we're speaking to a journalist who's been writing a lot about the cultural differences between the Sunshine State, people from up our way, and of course the Southerners, and you know, the differences in games that we play and our politics, and that is Lech Blain.
Thank you for joining us today. Hey guys. Great to be here.
It's good to see some, aside from our esteemed organ, some rural Queenslanders flying the flag for journalism, independent journalism in Australia. Now where are you writing at the moment? Writing for The Monthly. We're based out of Melbourne and owned by a great man, Morrie Swartz. So yeah, it's one of the last bastions of independent journalism in Australia. You wrote an article, it was titled The Art of the Class War, about Peter Vlandis and how he's managed to provide a blueprint for all Australian sport to get back on this year. You know, with something like that, where you obviously can talk the talk, Lech is a rural Queenslander who knows you, you obviously know your league, how do you pitch that to a Melbourne newspaper?
I pitched it originally and my editor, Nick Fike, this is after Vlandis had done his press conference and said, we're going to get back on. And I was like, all in, I was like, oh, this is going to be like a great story because I, my gut instinct was having been following him for a little bit, was he's actually going to pull it off. Like I didn't think that he was full of shit, I thought that it was, it was legit. Whereas, yeah, I think, I think originally Nick was, like most people thought, oh, this is some loudmouth fucking league administrator, piss and wind from some guy in Sydney. And then, so as the week sort of went past and Vlandis was generating so much publicity, I think that it's sort of become, yeah, just a bigger story.
And then the trick for me was to take it beyond rugby league and, and sort of look at the cultural issues surrounding rugby league and that maybe a lot of people in the South don't pay too much attention to because with the AFL you take, take for granted, it's just a behemoth. You grow up in the Southern States and there's not really any other show in town in terms of football. So yeah, it was sort of an opportunity to, to explore some of the stuff happening, but then also tell like a broader story to people who might not have ever really looked into it before.
Did your opinion of Peter Vlandis change after you met him and interviewed him? I spoke to him on the phone, so I didn't actually meet him in person. You didn't get to eyeball him? No, I didn't get to eyeball him, so that could have changed things massively.
All these things come into it when you're dealing with such a powerful man, height. I think we're actually exactly the same height, because he, he talks about his height quite frequently. I think he's like 175 centimetres and so am I, so I know, I know what it's like to be underestimated by fellow men and so yeah, I've been there. I could empathise with the chip on his shoulder that he has about that. But yeah, I think originally I thought that, you know, I wasn't really going in with any great acts to grind about him, but I was pretty suspicious about not so much his public popularity, but how strong it actually was behind the scenes and how legit he was behind the scenes.
Did you start getting worried when you... Yeah, I was worried. I was like, surely, especially in rugby league, I think we're so paranoid.
We're used to being let down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's used to being let down by their heroes.
So yeah, I was like ready, not ready to get let down, but I sort of thought, surely this is a bit of a con job in terms of some of the PR, but the more people that you spoke to who came from completely opposing sides of the various divides in rugby league, they were all, you know, they weren't all totally glowing about him. Some had misgivings about where he'd come from or his tightness with News Limited, for example. But they all seem to agree that he'd done something which none of the other administrators before him had been able to do, which was to actually just cut through all those divides and sort of provide some strong leadership. So, I mean, there's a long way to go. He's only been there, it feels like five years, but he's only been there since the end of last year, but it's a fascinating case study. And behind all the PR puff and the way that he plays the media like a fiddle, there's actually a fair bit of substance in what he's trying to do, I think, for the rugby league. Yeah, it was great to see you also, you know, the way you were able to articulate how much the common man can respect someone like Peter And you also, you know, paired that with the elites. And you don't often get to see it in writing, but the Mike Carlton's and the Peter Fitzsimons and the Victorian racing executives talking shit about this man and just awakening a sleeping giant is basically what they've done.
You know, there will be a time, I'm certain, when Everest is bigger than the Melbourne Cup. I'm a hundred percent, I'm sure of that because... Well, it all comes down to money, doesn't it? I mean, the Everest now is, you know, the richest turf race in the world, isn't it? Yeah, but I think in terms of popularity, he has it in him as someone who founded the Everest in his role with New South Wales racing. It'll be bigger than the Melbourne Cup. He might even get the public holiday that he's been racing to.
And I think you underestimate just how important that is for a lot of rugby league fans. And to a certain extent, you know, he plays a PR game, even just to have someone that makes the effort to make the right noises. It actually does. And it's probably hard to relate if you come from an AFL background, which has a working class base, but it also has that upper class base. How important it is to have someone that really appeals to those people because they feel sort of and it goes right across politics like they sort of feel left behind. And so it's like it's a lot bigger than sport. But he's sort of played into that whole zeitgeist of speaking up for the battler.
So what you're saying is Bill Shorten shouldn't have gone running marathons with his wife leading into an election. No, no, I don't know.
This is something that I'll flesh out. I'm writing a quarterly essay for next year about leadership and about the sort of persona of the larrikin. And so that will look more closely at because now we've got two federal leaders who are both unabashed rugby league fans.
You can wonder how authentic that is for Morrison. But he's certainly he's certainly albo vs scomo. It's like all of the nicknames. Yeah, yeah, it's it's very much a suburban Sydney. And yeah, the problem for elbow is that he's probably the most legitimate sporting fan that we've had as a politician. Like he's legit. He's a type of guy.
He was there in the trenches during when when Southsville kicked out. And he was there the whole time.
But the problem for him now is that he's coming up against someone who's almost more elbow than than elbow like scomo sort of like taken. He has seen this thing across the aisle and gone like, I need to do this even better. And so I think someone like elbow would have. It would have been a lot more sharper discrepancy if you had have gone up against Turnbull.
Yeah, but I don't think it would be quite as pronounced. But yeah, it'll be interesting to see how it all plays out. It's a week. That is true.
Albo was doing that before it was even required of a politician. He was wearing a buddy's tie before he even thought that it was he'd ever potentially be the leader of the party.
Yeah, that was so. So there is that stuff could have only been a hindrance back in the day when he was hanging around with Russell Crowe and James Packer and it's the weirdest thing in the world like that, like historically, especially over in rugby league as it has a better place in Australia than what it does in England, where it's really shit upon by the establishment. And like you got used to get banned from playing rugby in forever. Yeah. If you even like were met with rugby league officials. And so the idea of like politicians trying to win elections by like chasing the rugby league fan is so foreign to like anyone's understanding of Australian social history. Like it's totally bizarre that we've gotten to this point where as trivial as it sounds, I genuinely think that Scott Morrison's avowed support for the Sharks won him so many votes in New South Wales and Queensland, especially amongst fans who feel like they get shit upon, like who you talk to and I travel around and they say they hate all politicians. But if they just look for if they're looking for like one thing to like differentiate that might just like lean them towards one person over another. Yeah. Well, that's like his whole election pitch was like, I'm a Sharks fan. It was like, yeah.
He said that he said that walking into the lip spill. He said, go the Sharks. So how do you think he's been able to cultivate this, you know, because it was only a couple of years ago that he said he was more of a rugby union fan and he's obviously had help from. And he was a Western bulldog diehard for a while, courtesy of Rodney Heat as well. He's obviously had the help of the media, but like, how do you think he's cultivated this image? Where he is helps him because he's in Sutherland. And so when he got down there and the Sharks are the local team, the Sharks don't have a, they're doing better now, but there was a while there where nobody would have touched the Sharks at all.
And so they don't have a great, they don't have like gatekeepers standing around, like a club like South, if you rocked up and tried to present yourself as the biggest Rabbit Eyes fan in the world, there'd be a bunch of Mike Whitney. Mike Whitney.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Higgins would be ready to take sticks off you. But like, I'm thirsty.
But there'd just be there'd be there's more gatekeepers around. And so it's the same with the big AFL clubs in Melbourne. There's lots of people around you'll get found out who would call you out. But I think the Sharks, because of historically, they're one of the newest Sydney teams, they've struggled to attract maybe that popular support.
It was probably easier for him to become their number one fan. And they were happy for that to happen. Yeah, St. George was always Howard and like those guys kept that all under wraps. And literally the only person that Skymo would have had to impress was Eddinghausen and they're both at Hillsong together.
So we're laughing. He's straight in the he's number one ticket holder now. Yeah, yeah. Which actually brings us to the next point.
You've you've written a very interesting, albeit confronting article about the Hillsong church. It was an essay, sorry, that came out this week. This is the most recent article you've done.
Tell us a little bit about what you went looking for and what you found within the Hillsong church and, you know, within that culture, that growing community in Australia. Yeah, no, it was it was it was fascinating, like, because you hear so much buzz about it. And yeah, for me, I come from the heartland of evangelical Christianity in Queensland, which is a darling down.
So but that is a belt. You're right. Yeah, it's a burn it down to the darling down. Yeah, I was born King of Roy. Yeah, right. Yeah.
Really, really sort of followed followed it around. But you really don't pay much attention to it when you're there. It's not like a I didn't really I'm not a religious person myself. Didn't really know much about it. I'd sort of missed a lot of the media about it. Then it was obviously coming up a lot more.
And yeah, so I guess I wasn't trying to. There's been a fair bit done about Hillsong and about about Brian Houston. But I sort of just wanted to experience Hillsong and sort of just filter through that. You know, it wasn't all weird. Like I like I rocked up to a congregation just near ANZ, the old ANZ stadium.
And so it was just the most laid back, casual social event. It felt like you're at like like I felt like I was at a cricket barbecue, like just a massive cricket barbecue. And there was like BMX riders doing a lot of wheelies. A lot of all in the dance.
Yeah. Like really like really friendly dudes. Yeah. Handshakes all round. And yeah, I honestly felt like I was more like at a sporting break up. Yeah.
Church congregation. And so, yeah, I just tried to just try to experience and filter that back and just try and give people an idea of what's actually what the experience of of those congregations are like.
And yeah, it was just a really weird timing because of everything happening in Australia with the bushfires. So the bushfires were literally just taking off in New South Wales. And so I got this commentary about the bushfires.
And he wasn't like waxing lyrically about them. But this is how this is Houston. Yeah. And it was just it was just interesting. And I certainly wasn't trying to because that's one thing that you realize is that it's not like one size fits all. Like you have this idea that anyone who's Pentecostal, they're signing up for this wholesale theological beliefs. But it's not like that. Like there's like a lot of different people there from completely different walks of life who just happen to have this like thing in common. And so. But yeah, I just thought it was this interesting because you don't Morrison doesn't talk about his Pentecostalism in public. And I just thought that that was like a interesting way to just weigh up this phenomenon that lots of people have been talking about and sometimes speculating wrongly about and just weighing it up and telling the story of the summer and and just giving giving people an idea. The words you use, which I found were quite interesting, was almost an apocalyptical positivity like optimism, optimism. Yeah.
A guy at the barbecue that I went to on the first night had a I don't know whether it was a heart attack or cardiac arrest or something. And I was gobsmacked like and he was that ambulance is coming and they had doctors helping him and stuff.
But I'm just standing there thinking, oh, this is this is off or whatever. Like there's no way they'll keep on going with this.
But there was like a few thousand people there. And then the show goes on. The ushers were just like, like, yeah, like literally like. Anyway, guys, like carry on. Come on. Praise the Lord. The show is about to start. Yeah.
And they didn't get a mention.
And so it's just that that idea. And I don't think that that's like it's not like they're airbrushing it consciously, because this is real optimism. And I don't want to like kill the buzz or kill the mood.
And yeah, then I once I got down to Sydney, I sort of went out to Western Sydney. I actually signed up for the TV on the Internet. And so I started getting these Hillsong packs getting sent to me, which I thought I was getting for free. Unbeknownst to me, I was actually getting bang 60 bucks a month.
So they're good. They're good. I kept on getting I've kept on getting them. I'm like, how good is this?
No wonder so many people are signing up. And then I finally checked my bank account for the first time a couple of months.
And I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We you know, I went out and saw a one of those monsters I had out in Western Sydney. We flew down to look at that. At the old Olympic. Yeah, they wanted to get a good look at that. And one thing that I noticed, which was quite interesting, was in my opinion, was the the noticeable class divide a little bit with it. You know, we were hoping to get inside. We wanted to see it in action. We wanted to see the big man on stage, but we weren't prepared to pay three hundred dollars, three hundred dollars to get inside.
So they say to us, are you paying delegates? Well, this is fucking church. And it's all advertised in like that it's free. Yeah, yeah. But they prioritize the paying delegates.
And then I come as you are. You stay here if you want to. If there's seats left over to get inside and see this thing.
Yeah, all phones arena, which is apparently sold out by paying delegates. And they put us all like cattle in the middle of this like waiting area while the paying delegates will past. And then there's a few seats open up. They let a couple grandmas and, you know, a couple of wheelchairs go in. And then they heard the rest of us into the non paying delegate marquee's where they're playing a live stream of what's happening inside. And it's just like, oh, so where with all the this is where the actual poor people are and the people who actually, you know, religion's playing a, you know, a role in the same way it has for so many people in, you know, destitute kind of positions. Whereas I don't know what the fuck the paying delegates are getting out of this, you know, other than an empty bank account. Well, no, no. There was a lady in the line there when we were going in to the marquee and she was like, you look really sad.
I think you should try some tongue therapy. I was like, excuse me, I need more than tongue therapy. I need to get out of here. I need to get out of homebush. That's what needs to happen.
No, it's it's there's a talk about like the whole cultural phenomenon. And you wouldn't think that there's really like a through line from like regional Queensland politics to like Hillsong to like rugby league. But yeah, and Houston talks about it, about being sort of like shit upon by the mainstream and by the mainstream media. And I think that really feeds into his like his appeal, because a lot of the people who are going are quite of quite humble means that they're getting they're getting a lot of like people with a fair bit of money. But a lot of them are your Western Sydney battlers. And so that sort of like plays into that, that whole multicultural, a lot of migrant very, very multicultural and very like in like a very not a tokenistic sort of way either.
Like it felt very authentic, like how integrated some of these recent arrivals felt within those congregations. Like it was totally authentic.
Like I like. Yeah. It's hard to take a take a completely negative view to something that people are getting such meaning from. And then I guess you just the thing that I sort of like this wonder about is like you got a guy like Scott Morrison who mentions in every press conference for a year about the Cronulla Sharks. Who he's been, you know, supporting for how many years? 2007. Yeah. Well, like and since pre selection, since since since since Paul Gallin came back from the from from the PetTide scandal, like I don't think he even fully jumped on before that. So I like and that's totally fine because he's supporting his local club. That's great. Yeah. The fact that this other part of his life that has to be integral to his life, even if he's not signing up wholesale to every single belief. Yeah.
In terms of he doesn't mention it that much. What's that? He doesn't mention it that much. That's what I mean.
It was it was pretty brave for him to bring the cameras in with him on the campaign trail. It was that that controlled moment and that like like I think that there was a lot of people that thought, oh, that's terrible. Like he's he's lost the election there. But it actually helped him weirdly with not just the evangelical vote, which is quite sizable and a lot of a lot of out of suburban seats.
Yeah. Just with people believe. Yeah.
Just like there was this weird thing at the last election where all these people just were so nihilistic about politics and were like, nobody believes in anything. And there's it was almost I think one of the things about his whole persona and the whole larrikin persona, it just created this bit of nostalgia for like, like the John Howard nostalgia.
Oh, yeah, he's a he's a Christian. He loves it. He loves his sport.
And it's like played into that whole the way that Australia used to be. And so, yeah, he didn't even it's almost like the nostalgia that you get with like something like Brexit or with Trump without misplaced nostalgia without having to go to the same degrees of extremism, maybe. But like it appeals to that sense within people of like who feel like they're losing control of their lives or they're losing control of their their jobs or their finances. Oh, we can go back to how the way things used to be. And so he he really evokes that whole sort of early 80s Bob Hawk.
Like rest his soul. Like, great man.
And everyone sort of went, oh, that's going to how many percentage points is that going to add to the vote? And that was my assumption, as I was saying, like you say, it's like those photos in the Hillsong in the taking them into his assemblies of God's, you know, gathering on the campaign trail.
That's not going to help him. Bob Hawk dying is not going to help.
And no one can say anything. No one can predict anything politically anymore, because I'll tell you what's happening outside of that.
We found was like that day when the church was like, oh, he might he might be in trouble here. As you said, it was a controlled environment, but he still had his eyes rolled back with his hand in the air.
And then we go, well, what about what did Bill Shorten get up to today? Bill Shorten runs a marathon with his wife saying Chloe Shorten's husband.
That's probably probably worse in terms of, you know, appealing to the base.
And then that same day, Skammer takes the cameras from the Hillsong gathering to the Easter show out at Homebush. And he's eating Dagwood. He's eating in every pressure outside of church. He's eating and having a scooter. And then he takes him to the sharks. I mean, that's you can you can throw a bit of church in there if you want, but that's what he knows what he's doing.
Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And that's what I mean.
They had it with the 2019 election over in Britain, where they had this idea about this workington man who was like it was like a bioconservative thing that they needed. This is like the voter that from the north of of England who always voted for Labour and was going to switch to you to to vote Tory for the first time in their lives.
And it actually ended up happening in some of those seats. And which is this weird thing where you've got leaders who you'd you wouldn't think for a million years would appeal to those those people. But what Morrison does by embracing these cultural traditions, so without any sort of cultural cringe whatsoever, is that he's just he's making people feel good about themselves and he's making people who sometimes a lot of the time feel bad about themselves, feel good about themselves. And that's like a really powerful thing.
And he doesn't even need to do anything with policies to achieve it. That's why it's almost like but he got he got there by accident because like he got lumped with the leadership. He didn't have much time left. And he was like, this is the only option that I have. And it was actually it worked.
And as much as like you can, you don't want to promote some sort of like race to the bottom in terms of like having two leaders who are trying to outbloke each other. Like when you've got electorate that's never been more diverse or progressive in a lot of ways. But a lot of those voters who you talk about through regional Queensland and stuff, that's that's where you're done, where some of the short shortens like, yeah, the exercise.
And I love running as much as any. I'm like, I'm a marathon runner. I run as often as possible and I actually look quite a lot like Bill Shorter when I'm running. So I empathize with the guy completely.
But like, you don't want to tell him to like tone it down because that's like it's a healthy thing or whatever. But like, yeah, that's that's the sort of thing that like that doesn't appeal to people who willingly vote for George Christensen. No, no, no. That's like that's like the you talk about like the whole culture war type thing. And yeah, it's not a political statement, but it's just it's just reality. Like it's just reality, unfortunately.
And I think that Albanese will will neutralize that too. You'll be able to slob it up a bit. Yeah, well, he's just tweeting from the couch at home.
It's funny, you know, that similar thing kind of with in Australia, as England is just saying, you know, there's these seats flipping in the north. You know, people in towns in England that would have literally killed Margaret Thatcher if she walked through town, you know, in the 80s, all those old mining towns, Billy Elliot, you know, all that that kind of part of the world are all flipping a little bit because they got caught up in this Brexit thing. And it's, you know, it's a cultural conservatism as opposed to, you know. Oh, massively. And like my like my old man was from Ipswich. His his old man was a blacksmith on the railway, was a trade unionist, vice president of the Queensland Iron Workers Union. And so you have this generational gap where it goes from my grandfather to my dad, who was a small businessman, a publican and how about a cab driver stuck with labor because he was he was hardcore because he'd been raised that way. But a lot of the people throughout those areas, they were the ones that actually flipped to one nation. Yeah. And it's quite his his older brother, George, who was like a local absolute rugby league legend in in Ipswich.
He won the the Bulimba Cup the last time they won the Bulimba Cup. And I think like 66 Jets. No, this is before before the Jets. They won the Bulimba Cup.
It used to be between Ipswich, Brizzy and Toowoomba. And so he was a fullback in the Ipswich team. And so he went out and did went into business, did really well for himself at a business, was completely different to dad. He switched sides and went over the liberal side. He ran for them in the 93 election, then got knifed at the pre selection for Oxley before the next election by Pauline Hanson.
Right. Who subsequently. Yeah.
So she was still she was still ran on a liberal ticket. She ran on a liberal ticket, then eventually had to leave. And that's how one nation happened. But yes, she almost did what Fraser Anning did to her. Like she got in on the liberal ticket and formed one nation.
You know, those seats, George Christensen, for example, some of those booths in the Whitsundays were, you know, they were red back in the day. And the Whitsundays on a state level is the only part of the world where a member of the Communist Party has been elected. Like that was Mackay, that kind of part of the world. They elected a communist as a Sydney man that came up with some ideas that they all appreciated. But from there, they've you know, they've gone to George Christensen.
I don't think this is my question to you is, do you think that everyone mythologizes how left, you know, the trade union movement was? Because a lot of people like to think the CFMEU are these secret, you know, gentle giants that love gay people and they love migrant communities and they're very progressive. No, it's a it's a it's a massive cultural gap.
And I had that massively between me and my old man, who was like old school labor. And so he was he was like a president of a branch up in Toowoomba. That was ETU.
They were really left wing. They campaigned against privatization, but culturally.
Yeah. And like so. So you're Ergon workers and that sort of thing.
And so they were pretty noisy under Joe. And they were noisy under under Bligh.
They ended up switching on on her. So and campaigning against her.
So that was a cult. They were still culturally quite conservative, but they had they were left wing economically. And so I had numerous arguments with my old man. And who was, you know, wasn't completely out there. But like his highest priority was looking after the rights of the workers, increasing pensions, that that's that sort of stuff, whereas like I was a teenager.
But yes, dad. Yeah, yeah. Like I was coming through, you know, this is Cronulla right sort of time.
Last years of the Howard government and my priorities are like climate change, gay rights, reconciliation. And so the economics for me, because I we were still live pretty humbly when I was a young kid. But by the time I was a teenager, I was going to a private school.
So I've got like a completely different, you know, I'm reading books and I've got the Internet at my fingertips. So I've got like a completely different world at my fingertips.
And what my old man did. Dead Poets Society.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was working in the summer of the Cronulla riots. I was working in the bottle at the Birmingham Tavern out in Oakey, which is Ellen Jones's hometown. And so I've got a hole in the ground now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because of the because of the mine.
But I've got I actually had just got my eyebrow shaved off at a party, the first party that I went to. So I was serving these abattoir workers who were coming off with, you know, fuck off with full type stickers on the car. They got Ellen Jones pumping in the the and they're just giving me absolute gob fulls. And I've got like novels on the David Maloof novels on the counter and stuff. And so I was just absolutely, absolutely giving it. I had the bell jar in the counter one day and this this old farmer was just like I can't I won't repeat what he what he said.
But like it was this real cultural. Yeah. And those were the labor voters back then, too. The ones that got Kevin in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that it was just this weird like this whole thing. And then that was an eye opener for me in terms of like in terms of that, like when you are on the somewhere like the Darling Downs, where I think it was like two years after that, there was like a murder connected to the KKK. And so which is pretty out there. And like I'm not saying that sort of stuff's like happening every week or anything, but like the teacher who helped who was an accomplice to the teen who shot his brother was the father of a kid who went to my school, my Catholic school in Toowoomba. And so, yeah, it sort of did feel like the deep south in a way. A lot of South is moving to Toowoomba too aren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah, massively. And in those years, it felt like something it was quite eye opening. But then you take that away and you sort of move away and you try and use that to try and understand because not not every this is a those people who are giving me a gob full and calling me a poofter or a faggot or whatever because I'm reading a book that that's not everybody that came through the drive through.
So like, it's like, yeah, it's just it's do you think it's important? This is and this is I guess we've spoken about all of this today. Do you think it's important to have more journalists like you who have been able to work at a drive through a bottle shop out in Oakey? Yeah. Did you know is that important? That is important. Surely.
And there's not much of that coming through the rain. I don't know.
Like you and Rick Morton. Yeah, yeah. Rick Morton.
He's he's from way out. Yeah, he's he's he's way out. And then he moved once he moved in. He was in the God's country as well, which is like a rambera and stuff.
So yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, I didn't study journalism.
So I don't really know. You don't know the pathway. I don't know the path.
Well, you know, I don't know who's coming through like, like, everyone in journalism knows that going to university to study journalism is a scam. Like there is there is absolutely no reason why you need to go to university if you want to be a journalist. It's just it's a waste of everyone. It's such a long, it's a fucking Ponzi scheme of tertiary journalism is four years learning how to get drunk and overhear people.
Yeah. So before I started working with the monthly, which was completely random, like on my editor for my publisher, his brother's the editor of the monthly. And so that's how it came about. I would never would have probably got a look in otherwise. Yeah, I got that lucky break. I'd just been running a motel up in Bundaberg for like two years, two and a half years. And so in a weird way, which was just the weirdest fucking experience. Yeah, running a motel in Bundy. That's on a different level to working in a bottle shop.
Yeah, yeah. So you just have like prostitutes, meth dealers, meth heads. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like not, I was about to say not every day, but yeah, like it was probably nearly every day.
It was a three star motel though. It was a three star motel. Three stars. Three star.
Yeah, it was $95 for a clean suite, $120 for the honeymoon suite.
That would sort out a lot of the riffraff. No, the riffraff would come in and they would, it was always the business reps who were looking for the cheaper deals. It was the riffraff.
That's when you were worried when they were looking for the honeymoon suite. They were like, get us that room with the with the big spa baths. They were always, the heart shaped spa bath.
Yeah, they're always trouble.
But I honestly reckon running that and that like, you know, that drove me to the edge of like a nervous breakdown a few times because it was just so, and I never would have done it. It sounds like a big. Oh my, my old man had died. So like I wouldn't have chosen to do it.
But in a weird way, it was like an incredible experience as well in terms of like talking to people, which I'd already done a fair bit growing up because I'd grown up in pubs and in a foster family. So there's always lots of different people around. But yeah, something like that. We've always got to try and synthesize people's lives and information.
It was like a really good grounding for actually for going into journalism. And then when, when you're having like a conversation with someone, and that was really scary at first because I didn't have any training, but after the first few times I've done interviews, I was like, this is a piece of piss. Like, because the stakes compared to the levels of physical threat, sometimes that you'd be under at three a.m. in the morning when you've got like a meth head beating up another meth head or something like it's completely different level of stakes. So I was just like, this is fine. It's like your career equivalent of a early morning cold shower.
Yeah. There's nothing there's nothing else happening to this day that's going to be tough. Yeah, yeah.
And then you look these people up in the in the paper and it'd be like the Bundaberg News Mail and they would be like, they'd be in the Bundaberg News Mail eight times arrested with machete handguns and stuff. And you and you'd know that they were there, you'd know that they were still in their room. You'd just be like, I wonder who that guy is. Like, he seems a bit rough. You'd look him up and you'd be like, oh, I've got to evict this guy.
Like, yeah, it's like it's wanted over the disappearance of Yeah, that is a that's a great way to get into journalism. Yeah. I look forward to reading some of your yarns. Yeah. That chapter of life. Yeah, no, it was but somehow you managed to start to write your first book while you were doing all that shit. Yeah, I don't think I think because I'd been studying in Brizzy. Yeah. And I'd actually just started studying creative writing, which I'd never done. But I just said, creative industries, UTS. No, no, it was at UQ. Yeah, so I'd never I'd never done it before. And and I did a year of it. Yeah. I don't know whether I was really ready, ready for that or got much like I was still writing fiction. Yeah.
Like, it wasn't the worst, but it was like really thinly veiled autobiographical fiction. But it was like the least interesting things about my life because I didn't want to write about all the dark, heavy shit. I just like it was about me, you know, dating girls. And but it was like a bit more maloof. I changed the name and a change to make the male character like a bit like better looking or whatever, like I am better hung than I am.
Yeah, yeah. Lech Blain fan fiction. Yeah. But then once I got to to Bundaberg and I and yeah, it was was it was like pretty tough because I had my brother up there, but he's got three kids. So he had he had a different life to me. And so you're the one running in at two in the morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he'd run it previously. He's 120 kilos. So he was a lot better than me, but he was off site now. So I didn't have him to sort of like look after me.
And so there was just a lot of times where where I had like a lot of even with all the work, you get a lot of downtime still. And so it was just I think out of like pure like loneliness and like frustration. I was just like started throwing out some of like the the hardest, darkest shit that I've been through and writing about it in a way that wasn't that that wasn't I wasn't trying to sort of like stylize it too much or or change anything around. I was just like, let's just get this out. And that once I did that, I realized that like I'd just been wasting my time trying to write about anything else because the experiences were just way more relatable to to not just your creatively minded people, but your everyday people who might not who might not pick up a book otherwise. And that's the sort of like I wanted to connect beyond just like a literary audience.
Yeah, you've got you've got one, you've got your book was due to come out later this year, but COVID's obviously bumped a lot of things around. That'll be autobiographical, I'm guessing. Yeah, that's a that's a memoir called Car Crash, a memoir. And outside of that, we're wondering today with your writing, you know, books and how, you know, when you're churning out essays as size you are, you know, I'm surprised this the memoir hasn't been bumped another 10 years because, you know, I don't know how long did that Volandus story take that took?
All of lockdown, right? Yeah, it was like two and a half months. And I did so many interviews that I never ended up using stuff, which like, yeah, it's hard not to just be completely obsessed by a subject when you're given that much space. Yeah. And so, yeah, I think that that will be the discipline after I because other books I want to write about the foster care system and about some of my other experiences and that will be like the discipline is being like, because it's really easy when you're dealing when you're trying to write about hard shit to be like, oh, I'm gonna I'm going to jump onto a 10,000 word essay about Peter Volandus. It's like the greatest thing in the world because it's like procrastination mixed with like, you're following your gut instincts in terms of like newsworthiness and stuff. Same with the Hillsong, right? That's a good mix up.
And it's just like, sometimes, obviously, right, like, especially writers and journalists give themselves can be too self pitting in terms of like, oh, this is because I've got like a sister who works with kids who have got, you know, alcohol, fetal syndrome and stuff. So I'm like, oh, no, you know, if I feel stressed, then, you know, it's nothing compared to what a lot of people are working with. But when I, when I would finish those articles, like, I just feel like, absolute, like, just feel empty. I like just because you just obsess about this thing for so long and then you finally put it out and then you cut all this stuff, which you think is integral and you're never really happy with what you end up putting it out. So I'm never, I never really like, there's a crash.
Yeah.
And I've never really been like, oh, I nailed that. Like, which is a good, good way to be in some ways, because that makes you sort of like hungrier to try and get the get the story down pat. We don't actually have that with our books because we just steal best articles of the year off the Internet, back off it. We Google it and then strip it together and put it in an annual. Oh, there's a bit more work.
You just crash for all of January. Conveniently here for Christmas, jam it into Uncle Tom's fucking Santa sack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 10 to 12 emails back and forth for the, for the cover design. But yeah, that's the, that's, that's the aim. But I'm sure you'll be releasing your book around the same time of the year to end that October, November. No, it's April, April next year. Out for Mother's Day. Yeah, beauty. Oh, well, we look forward to my we look forward to reading much more of your stuff.
No worries. Yeah, no, it's been a blast. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for coming on. Thanks a lot.
Like blind on tutor advocate. Yeah, but then once I got to Bundaberg and I and yeah, it was was it was like pretty tough, because I had my brother up there, but he's got three kids.
So he had he had a different life to me. And so the other one running in at two in the morning. Yeah, he and he'd run it previously. He's 120 kilos. So he was a lot better than me, but he was off site now. So I didn't have him to sort of like, look after me.
And so there was just a lot of times where I had like a lot of even with all the work, you get a lot of downtime still. And so it was just I think out of like pure, like loneliness and like frustration. I was just like started throwing out something like the the hardest, darkest shit that I'd been through and writing about it in a way that wasn't that that wasn't I wasn't trying to sort of like stylize it too much or or change anything around. I was just like, let's just get this out. And that once I did that, I realized that, like, I'd just been wasting my time trying to write about anything else, because the experiences were just way more relatable to to not just your creatively minded people, but your everyday people who might not who might not pick up a book otherwise. And that's the sort of like I wanted to connect beyond just like a literary audience.
Yeah, you've got you've got one you've got your book was due to come out later this year, but COVID's obviously bumped a lot of things around. That'll be autobiographical, I'm guessing. Yeah, that's a that's a memoir called Car Crash, a memoir. And outside of that, we're wondering today with your writing, you know, books and how, you know, when you're churning out essays the size you are, you know, I'm surprised this the memoir hasn't been bumped another 10 years, because, you know, I don't know how long did that Vlander story take that took all of lockdown, right? Yeah, it was like two and a half months. And I did so many interviews that I never ended up using stuff, which like, yeah, it's hard not to just be completely obsessed by a subject when you're given that much space.
Yeah. And so, yeah, I think that that will be the discipline after I because other books I want to write about the foster care system and about some other experiences. And that will be like the discipline is being like, because it's really easy when you're dealing when you're trying to write about hard shit to be like, oh, I'm going to I'm going to jump onto a 10,000 word essay about Peter Vallandis. It's like the greatest thing in the world, because it's like procrastination mixed with like, you're following your gut instincts in terms of like, newsworthy and stuff. So the Hillsong, right? Yeah, yeah.
Like, and it's just like, sometimes, obviously, right, like, especially writers and journalists give themselves can be too self pitting in terms of like, oh, this is because I've got like a sister who works with kids who have got, you know, alcohol, fetal syndrome and stuff. So I'm like, oh, no, you know, if I feel stressed, then, you know, it's nothing compared to what a lot of people are working with. But when I when I would finish those articles, like, I just feel like, absolute, like, just feel empty.
I like just because you just obsess about this thing for so long. And then you finally put it out. And then you cut all this stuff, which you think is integral, and you're never really happy with what you end up putting it out. So I'm never I never really like there's a crash.
Yeah, yeah. And there's no I've never really been like, oh, now that like, which is a good, good way to be in some ways, because that makes you sort of like hungry to try and get the story down pat. We we don't actually have that with our books because we just steal best articles of the year off the Internet, back off it. We Google it and then strip it together and put it in an annual. There's a bit more work. You just you just you just crash for all of January. Yeah. Then we go to conveniently here for Christmas, jam it into Uncle Tom's fucking Santa sack. Yeah, yeah. Ten to 12 emails back and forth for the for the cover design. But yeah, that's the that's that's the aim.
But I'm sure you'll be releasing your book around the same time of the year to end that October, November. No, it's April. April next year out for Mother's Day.
Yeah, beauty. Oh, well, we look forward to it. We look forward to reading much more of your stuff. No worries. Yeah, no, it's been a blast. Yeah.
Thanks for coming on. Thanks a lot. Lech Blain on Tutor Advocate. |
SaturdayNightLive | matthew_mcconaughey_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Mcconaughey! this is a good time tonight.
Don't be watching This show. back in 1985, when I was growing up in Texas, I was about 16 years old, and I happened to have hair down to about right here. I was a typical adolescent, a kid going through a bunch of changes. we know about those changes that we all go through. I let my hair grow out, I let my beard get long, and I pretty much like to sit around with all my friends and get high. And the next thing I know, my two brothers, my two older brothers are getting a hell of a kick out of this, right? they even give me a nickname. they start calling me Rasta Boy. And I'm a Pop, on the other hand. very conservative man, disciplinarian. he did not find this so funny. Now, since he didn't get a big kick out of the whole deal, he starts questioning me as I was a kid. he says to me, son, what's your problem? your hair's long, you don't even look like you're a son of mine.
But he did it in a very cool way. See, Pop had a very peculiar way of letting me and both of our older brothers know his opinion. like this one day, he's giving me a ride to football practice, right? he's driving along, he's looking at my sandals on my feet. No, Pop does not like my sandals. he says, what in the hell is wrong with you, boy? I mean, you could at least, you know, put a pair of socks and shoes on, like a real man looked like a son of mine. I look at him and I say, pop, they're comfortable shoes, man, I like them. I mean, hey, you know what? Jesus Christ wore sandals, Pop. that's pretty good thinking, right? I thought I had it. Pop slams on the gas. he drives two and a half miles past practice without saying a word. all of a sudden he slams on the brakes. he power slides over off on the side of the road. he reaches over, opens my door and pushes me out, To which then he looks down on me and he says, listen here, buddy, Jesus Christ, he walked everywhere too. Yes, he did. it's true though, man. you should have seen my hair. you should have seen my hair. I understand that My dad had a point. yes, I was then and this is now. you wanna see a picture of me then?
I'm gonna be right back in front of the dressing room. I got a picture of my dressing room. I'll be right back. hang on, hang on.
I totally agree, Mango should be a movie.
I'm telling you, Evel Knievel was the greatest. You can't compare Evel Knievel to Bruce Lee. Evel Knievel jumped the Grand Canyon. No, he jumped the Snake Canyon, Dude. Snake Canyon, Bruce Lee jumped the Grand Canyon.
Guys, I'm looking for, I got a picture, all right, of me. like my 16 long hair, I had it here. Four by six. you hilarious, man. boy, you should sit down, man. chill with us, we're cool. I know, you're cool, man, what I'm saying, I still got a lot of crowd out there. I gotta ask my monologue to finish. Looking for a picture, all right? four by six. Oh, I just took an Amy Polaroid with my mind. yo, dude, why don't you crash, man? you know what? do you like that? You know what, I think I know where the picture is. I think it's in my jacket over here behind the door. excuse me, excuse me a second. whoa, give me that thing. yo, the cops are in the butt, man. you in here and through the nipple. Dude, I know, man, it's my bomb. All right, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta show to do, gotta show to do. Forgot the picture. I forgot the picture. we got a great show tonight, man. the Dixie Chicks are here. stick around, we're coming right back. |
cracked | cracked_s_best_video_ever_remix_new_guy_weekly | Hey, you know what this is this week I was in my first first real cracked video and my buddy Nick says it's such a hit people want behind the scenes audio commentary Well behind the scenes. I've been taking some time off to celebrate breaking the internet by partying hard But I can't neglect this Dumb thing so here we go welcome to audio commentary on the video that won the internet forever that shot I killed it that shot. I crushed it that shots where they needed a crane to capture how hard I've murked that month off owned it rocked it big ups to Stanislavski on that on that look every gesture paints a picture That's how I do first of all I want to say much love to all the fans right now that new guy weekly at gmail.com Blowing up my inbox filling me up with love much respect how okay technically I'm just assuming you've been writing in because I've been re-upping my genius with a week-long sabbatical I I'm gonna read some of my favorite emails now alright here We go first email says do an episode with the Katie's great idea. They're really cool scroll scroll scroll. This is a good one here Hey Alex just want to say love the video. Thank you so much.
Are you gonna be in the office today? Oh, that's It's management the boss Alex please check in with me right away Alex. Please check in with me right away. Chill out Okay, maybe once the genius is back up to speed how about that great Alex? We have been covering you all week. Can you answer your phone? I?
Think I'm busy shooting kind of obvious that I can't Alex. Did you spend four hundred seventy dollars at an arcade? Was this a location fee? We doubt it just asking to be nice a petty cash card is not for The arcade change machine the arcade change machine took it so I think we got to blame the system But that's fine the jokesters a lot of fun come to work come to our job cuz we're super serious Alex Why are you? Okay, that one's a little serious Alex. We have no choice, but to hire a freelancer to replay Like I just said everything good about this video is because of my valued co-workers not me the end Thank you for watching. I have a thousand emails and two disciplinary meetings to catch up on say hi at new guy weekly at gmail.com with any thoughts or encouragement or Recipes for an apology cake that I could bake tonight Hey, I have two tips for you one if you subscribe to our channel You'll get all our videos more conveniently for free sounds great other tip Culver City, California There is a store that sells nothing, but model trains You're welcome |
dropout | megan_gailey_on_vontae_davis | Welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame, where every episode we have a guest who tries to convince me of why their underrated favorites deserve to be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Megan Gailey. Hello.
I feel so at home here. There is a doll with a Reggie Miller jersey on. Oh, are you an Indiana person? I'm from Indianapolis. Ooh, I'm a Chicago person. Well, you've won. I got engaged in front of a mural of Reggie Miller.
No way. Yeah.
And he commented on it. Reggie Miller did? He commented. Said, I bless this union.
Did you do this on purpose? Was this an on purpose thing? Well, I didn't propose it myself.
You know, my fiance knew. He was like, this is what she would want. Wow. That's good. Is that how you... That's not how I envisioned it, but now that we have the photos, I'm happy it happened that way.
Okay. And you are here to talk about Vontae Davis. Yes. Now, Vontae Davis, a lot of times when people come on this show, on this podcast, I have no idea about the... Okay. Yeah. Are they doing like people from their high school? No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. It's people that I probably should know, but I have no idea about. Okay. They're like, Eric was amazing. But this guy, I only know one thing about him. Yes.
And very recently, I think it was last... It was this season. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. It was this season. But it was the very beginning of the season.
Right. Second game. Yes. And Vontae Davis, let me just, just to give like, because he is kind of an unknown. People don't realize, might not realize that he was actually a good player. Yeah.
Two-time Pro Bowler. Two-time Pro Bowler had been in the league for nine, 10 seasons, something like that. Brother of Vernon Davis, who is maybe less famous now, but at the peak of his career was an extremely famous NFL player.
Yes, very good. One second before we keep going, because I always forget to do this. If you are watching this on CH2, stop it right now, right? Yeah.
You got to go over to dropout, because this has already been up there for some time. I know how much time, but you don't know how much. So go over to dropout right now so that you can get caught up on this show and other shows, like Total Forgiveness and other things that are coming up that I don't think that I'm supposed to mention. I was about to mention a show that I don't think I'm supposed to yet. Some secrets.
Yeah. Some secrets are coming. Yes, but please do that. Okay. Yeah. So he made, so Vontae, yeah, he comes from a football family, kind of. He made over $50 million in his career stuff, like he's in it. Yes. And then one day, he does.
He was on the Buffalo Bills, and the season was looking bleak, and he retired at halftime. He left the stadium to the point where his teammates had no idea. I think he went in at halftime and was just like, I'm going to get my stuff. He wasn't mad, and people really piled on him in a way that I thought was really unfair. He was just like, I'm laying my body out for a cause that I don't really believe in anymore, so this is the time. Not really, even a cause, really. I mean, I was trying to get the Bills a little, a little boost, and it is insane that there are obviously players at some point in a season, they've been like, I'm going to retire after this season.
Yes. I think that like dawns on people, and for him, it dawned on him in the minute. He was like, I have to go right now. It's very Forrest Gump. He just ran out of the stadium and never came back. Yeah. The thing that struck me immediately as interesting about the way he retired, outside of the fact that he retired in the middle of the game, is that he retired, not only was it in the middle of the game, it was in the middle of an away game, so he couldn't even go home. Like, he had to get a, like, megabot, like, he had to, like, find a ticket and get out of there. Either that or the most awkward. And his teammates were mad. Right. Which I thought, I mean, they were like, he quit on us, and it's like, I think his rationale is, oh, I don't want to do this anymore, and so I can't be a good teammate if I don't want to do this anymore. I think he was actually being like, in his mind, the most loyal decision. Right. Yes. And even to me, if it was me, like, if you don't want to be out there, you could get hurt. Yeah. Like, seriously hurt if it's not in you to play anymore.
He left a bunch of money on the table by doing this. I think he, like, he had money that if he finished out the season, made a pro ball, anything, incentives, he had, like, a pretty substantial contract because he came from the Indianapolis Colts and he was an excellent player there.
Yeah. I mean, that's a couple of years prior to this happening, Brett Favre said of him, I felt like he was one of the best corners in this league, especially that no one knows about. Wow. And then, yeah. And to retire game two. It's crazy to me that that, like, that drop off happened so fast, like, either mentally or physically, to where from one second being, like, one of the most legendary quarterbacks in the history of the year. To be like, I got to go.
I worked at the NFL this season and so I was at the campus when this happened and truly, like, within that building, people were like, we have never seen or heard of anything like this. Like, it's unprecedented. Well, that is legendary. So that is a point for in terms of being in the Hall of Fame. My God. The fact that you quit during a game at first, maybe doesn't seem like something that you should be praising. But at the same time, no one had ever heard of that before. That is unprecedented.
And there's a lot of people that do a mic drop, you know, it's like a fun look at what I oh, yeah, I really got you on that last meme. Yeah. This man truly mic dropped his career by leaving. And now you're saying that there was also... I have two other things that I think will persuade you into liking him.
They produce it in such a fast amount of time because it's happening like in real time. Yeah. And then they play it like during the season. Yes. It's really during the preseason. So they're having like a four day turnaround on a show that's shot really, really beautifully. Yeah. So that's like a ton of footage to go through. Oh, it's... I hadn't thought about that before. There's footage with the kids. Yeah. They're families. It's amazing. Yeah. The bloopers are always so good. Right.
A lot of teams used to... Teams don't want to do it. I think maybe that tide has turned a little bit because like the Browns this year, everybody's sort of like rallied around them because they were likeable and fun on Hard Knocks and, you know, kind of like losers and so everybody...
Absolutely. ...wanted them.
So Vontae was on the Dolphins the season that Hard Knocks were following them during training camp. And he was traded during the preseason to the Indianapolis Colts. And so the head coach called him into his office and was like, okay, Vontae, we're trading you to the Indianapolis Colts.
And Vontae said, I need to call my grandma. And he was like, okay, well, we're going to like, you know, finish talking, and then we'll be able to call your agent, grandma, whoever. He goes, I need to call my grandma right now. And so the coach got his grandmother on speakerphone to talk through the trade agreement that had just taken place.
That was such a crazy season too. I think Ocho Cinco kind of took over that season just from like actual bad behavior.
Yeah. But yeah, that was a very sweet moment. Yeah, I did not make the connection that that was the same guy when this happened. So it almost kind of makes sense a little bit because I've never seen a football player like that. I don't know that sweet before. Like this guy is like clearly a sweetheart who loves his grandma. I think his feelings were maybe hurt a little bit.
I think when a player gets traded, we sometimes forget like, oh, this is an organization saying like, we don't want you anymore. And we're willing to send you someplace else before the seasons even started, which also means you're going to have to uproot your entire life and go from Miami to Indiana. I mean, and I can say that's a downgrade. You know, I'm from Indianapolis. Yeah, I don't really like Miami either.
I think it's a lot of I think it's a bad LA. I agree. Miami is not a great place to I think it's a fun place to visit. But if you're an NFL player, I think it's a great place to live. I think you're like, this is the spot.
Yeah, yeah, I think his feelings were his feelings were definitely hurt, especially when I remember that he was not traded for a person. He asked specifically, who are you trading me for? And he goes, a couple of picks. Yeah, picks like that's that's that's that would hurt pretty bad.
He's a two time Pro Bowler. Well, he had his two time Pro Bowl after that.
I think he went to Indianapolis and was like, yeah, gosh, I hope they like me. And we did. We loved him.
That's nice. That's so sweet.
Oh, my God. One thing after he after he quit, after he retired, there was a I remember seeing a commercial with him in it. Yes. Do you remember this? Yes.
He got some it wasn't deodorant. No, no, it was something about like, don't quit or like you can quit. It was he he's he starts out. It starts out like just some kind of interview. And he's like he's talking about how he's going through his story of like, you know, I just got to a point where, you know, I just knew that I didn't have it in me anymore. And I didn't want to put myself through that.
But then, you know, you're thinking back to the draft. The draft was like a fantasy and like all your dreams and everything.
But at some point, I just you know, I had to quit. And that's why I quit my fantasy football league.
And then it's a and then it's a fantasy. It's a commercial for FanDuel. That you can like get in a different whatever you want. I do like when athletes or really any celebrity capitalizes on something that was like considered a negative at the time and then makes it into a money making scheme. It is pretty funny and a huge fuck you.
Well, I also follow him on Instagram.
And after he retired, I mean, him and his wife were having the time of their life because he was just like, oh, I haven't had this time off during this like time of the year and probably since I was seven years old. They went on all these Caribbean vacations.
I think he really loves his wife. How incredible is that?
Yes, his wife is named Megan and also almost deserves to be in her own Hall of Fame because this lady, remember when Dave Chappelle, like you said, when he quit, when he retired, he left a lot of money on the table. He made over $50 million his career when he left, he left millions of dollars on the table. Remember when Chappelle walked away from $50 million or whatever and then he had that joker. He was like, you can't just tell your wife that you're leaving all this money.
She's just gonna be cool with that. This woman was cool with that.
They said he sent her a text immediately after he retired, you know, did not plan this. She was not expecting this text.
And he's like, do you, he's like, look, I'm done. Her whole response was, you want me to meet you back at the house?
How amazing is that? That's incredible. She was like, we're going to travel. That's so nice.
And yeah, I saw some of his pictures, these skiing and stuff like that, living his best life. Swimming with pigs in the Bahamas and stuff.
Ooh, that's like fire festival. I know.
Well, it was pre, I mean, what's upsetting is the pigs existed pre-fire festival, but fire made them famous. These pigs have been out here doing the Lord's work for decades, and no one appreciated them until Gigi Hadid came down here. But there have been pigs. And now that's what they're known for.
I have one other story. What is it?
So Vontae went to Illinois. Yes. Yeah, he played in Illinois.
And he was arrested when he was in college for driving infractions. When a player gets arrested in college, bad, very bad, can affect their draft stock.
A lot of times, teams will be like, oh, there's enough good players. We don't even need to take a chance on this. It really can end up getting you blackballed.
And it turned out that his wallet had actually been stolen and it was a case of mistaken identity and Vontae didn't do anything wrong. Wow. So another man got arrested, said he was Vontae Davis.
Are you? Was he like, do you think he was famous at the time? Do you think they knew?
I mean, I think he was probably in champagne, but I don't know if like, I guess for a cornerback to be famous in college, you've got to be kind of like the best. And he probably was if he went on to be that successful in the NFL. But I don't think of Illinois as that much of a football town. So like, I think there's a way with like mistaken identity, some amount of racism and not knowing the cornerbacks on the team that, you know, remember when that man pretended to be Ben Roethlisberger?
No. Oh yeah, a man in Pittsburgh who was not attractive pretended to be Ben Roethlisberger so women would have sex with him. Is Roethlisberger handsome? No. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's why like, I'm sure Roethlisberger saw the picture of this guy.
It was like, come on. And everyone was like, cause the guy was not attractive either, but he looked like a regular old man. Not old, but like- Was he at least huge? Was he at least humongous? I mean, his face was pretty bloated. I don't even think he had like a chin strap beard, but he went to jail for fraud. Oh, oh my God.
Football has the most, first of all, going back to Vontae Davis, the fact that he lasted nine, 10 seasons, I think it was his 10th season when he quit. But the fact that you last that long in the first place is that honestly, you could quit at that time anyway. He's 30 years old. I feel like NFL, probably most NFL careers don't make it into the 30s.
No, they're like three years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, like three years.
Yeah, he gave him more than this amount of time. Yeah, I love that about it. I love that he made that commercial afterward, that he has a sense of humor about it. That he didn't let the naysayers and all that kind of thing get them down. And if his wife was upset about any of the money he left on the table, he's like, babe, I got this Fandle money now.
I didn't know I could be doing commercials. Or no one's hitting me and getting all this money. That's a much better way to make money.
I'm sure he's got a new team. They shifted like agents wise. They were like, oh, we were getting you like contracts for playing. Now we need to be getting you pig swimming contracts and Fandule contracts.
Vernon Davis, I'm sure is gonna learn something from there. Vernon Davis has a gallery, an art gallery, yeah. This is a different kind of football family. Yeah, from DC. Interesting. I heard Vernon is an exceptionally wonderful man.
Oh, that's very nice. Yeah, so that grandma did a pretty good job, you know? Yeah, you think she raised both of them?
I don't know, but she obviously was like in their life enough that that was the first person he wanted to call. Because if I got traded, you know, when my pilots don't get picked up, my mom's the first person I call. I'm like, can you call my mom? Just tell my mom. Yeah, you gotta take care of this. Tell my mom Peggy needs to know.
So when he went to the Colts, what happened, do you remember what happened with how he wound up with the Bills? I honestly think he like out, earned himself. You know, like, they couldn't afford him anymore. Yeah, it was the type of thing where we got a new GM who was like, we wanna go young and we would have to like franchise him. And it just, he was making too much money. And the Bills were like, well, we have no players. So we'll just take, yeah, he's doing too good.
And the Dolphins traded him because they never fully understood. I mean, I've definitely heard he's eccentric. And I think maybe there were like some, but like I've never heard anyone say anything like mean about him or negative about him. And the Dolphins, it just like was not a fit. But I don't think he understood that.
Right, yeah. Also in that episode of Hard Knocks, when he goes in for the, obviously to get traded, get the news that he's been traded, he's wearing full cargo pants. Oh yeah. He's wearing cargo pants, but I've never seen cargo pants where the pockets are actually. Yeah, full. He was utilizing that. Like he needed that. Yeah, this is, I love, I mean, I love this guy for his, for knowing, I love a good retirement because most people don't know, in the way that most people overstay their welcome or whatever. Yeah.
Like Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson might fight. I don't know if he's gotten his fighting license back yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was in a fight like next year.
I mean, that feels like maybe that's financially tight. Yeah. So something. But he must have managed. But he's got that hangover money, you know? So he's gotta be doing okay. Does he still own like tigers? Ooh, I hope not. I feel like if you get into like financial trouble, it's like self exotic animals. Yeah, right. That's gotta be the first thing to know.
The number one that cannot be, your business manager's like, I don't know what's going on, Mike. We're feeding at lamb chops seven times a day. I don't know how you justify that.
There was a NFL player named Spice Adams who I loved too, and he threw his own retirement at a White Castle. That's okay. And like videotaped it himself. Well, that guy would have loved going to the White House for the, whatever Trump did for the.
I don't think he would have. I'm gonna go on record. I don't think he would have liked to go.
Well, yeah, but I mean, also he must have managed his money pretty well if he's, Vontae Davis must have, if he's living so well now, despite having to leave all that money on the table. And a lot of athletes also don't do that. Like you're saying with, yeah, like a lot of people have to stay in it, if not for just the addiction to the glory for financial reasons. And he was able to avoid that pitfall.
That's another legendary move. I really like this guy a lot. I will say, and I'm not, I will say when I first heard of it, I just thought it was hilarious. When I first heard the story of, oh, this guy quit during halftime. That's very funny. Cause you know, in movies, halftime is always like really dramatic.
Yeah. And they have like a big like speech or whatever. Yeah, it's like pump up time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, It's like more. That's pump up time. You always go in defeated, but you come out. Yeah. You're ready to go.
Not Vontae, not Vontae Davis. Vontae Davis saw the light.
Yeah. And I'm pretty sure they ended up losing that game. Yeah. He saw the writing on the wall. And he was like, I don't think I want to live in Buffalo. Right. Listen, I went Miami to Indianapolis, Buffalo I can't do. Yeah. And he quit in LA.
I still can't get over that.
Like it's an away game. He didn't even quit where he could just like drive. They're playing the chargers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't even quit where he could like drive home. Long flight, five hour flight.
That is an awkward. That he's going to have to buy. Yeah, yeah. That is an awkward.
I don't even know if it fly. I don't think there's straight flights LA to Buffalo. My parents are from Niagara Falls and I'm trying to go there this summer. And I'm like, I think I have to go to like a Cleveland or a Detroit.
Yeah, yeah, for sure. Or Midway. He could have had a charter straight flight home. Yeah. That's, yeah.
That's, that's, that's quite the trip. The travel alone is difficult with the logistics for him.
All right. I am ready to make a ruling on this. Okay. I am going to say that Vontae Davis is in the hall, the Hall of Fame. Whoa.
Oh, at first I thought it was ice moving. I was like, oh, we get a drink? I love drinks.
Do you have anything that you'd like to, how often do people make it into the Hall of Fame? Almost always.
Teen. All right. Well, Vontae, that was for you, honey. I love you. Hey, same. I mean, you're my hero now. I've been convinced of it.
Do you have any upcoming shows or anything like that? I'll be at South by Southwest. Nice. Doing shows from March 8th through March 13th.
And then if you can't make it to Austin and you live in Appleton, Wisconsin, I will be at Skyline Comedy. I think it's called, It's in Appleton. If you're in Appleton, you know what I'm talking about. How did you know that so much of our audience is coming from Appleton? Now I know some of them probably in Oshkosh, make the drive.
I'll be there the 14th, 15th and 16th of March. Nice. Fantastic. Get on out there to see that. Also, get off, you're on CH2. I know that you are. Don't lie to me.
Get on the dropout, please. All right, thank you so much for watching. See us next time. Goodbye. Hi, I'm Raphael. And if you liked that video, subscribe to Dropout where you can chat with the cast in the exclusive Dropout Discord.
And that is a chest-thang promise, which is almost as good as a real promise. |
dropout | We_Don_t_Need_Directions_from_Dad_Anymore | Want to see me? Yes. Shut the door, have a seat.
Look, there's no easy way to say this. We will no longer need you, or any dads, for navigation or directions. Okay, that's crazy. Dads are the best source for driving directions. You can't have a navigation app without dads? Yeah. Well, to be frank, we've kind of been ignoring you for a while. The app works just fine without your input. But... I'm a dad.
Giving directions is what I do. I mean, I can tell you how to get anywhere you want to go. And a bunch of places you don't. Like the outlet stores. All of the directions on the Turns app will now be fully automated. It's just better. You get real-time traffic data, automatic road closure updates...
Are you kidding me? I spent years perfecting my craft. I mean, you can't tell me you think a machine can do better than me. Yes. You can't trust those things. Sure you can.
Look, I'll plug in directions to, uh, Thrushers Creek. We'll just... Oh, I gotta get to Thrushers Creek. Really not necessary. I've got it right. Just head over to the Tasty Freeze.
From there, you get onto Raymaker Avenue. Bill's probably going to be outside mowing the lawn, having a quick wave, and you keep on going. Now, there are going to be four barns you're going to pass. Three of them are red, and one of them is also red. After that, there's going to be a slaughterhouse.
I want you to pass it. You don't want to stop, but I want you to pass it, even though there's a lot to see there. Trust me, we'll go sometime. Go ahead, take two more rights, head back five miles away it came. Boom, you're right there. You get all that? That takes ten minutes longer than the app says. You can't trust those things. You have until the end of the day. You're going to stop getting directions from all those dads out there. Those dads know these roads like the back of their hands. I mean, listen to them. Old Mill Road. That's what you're looking for, right?
And there's a lot of logging trucks on that road. Big old trucks, big old trees that look like they're going to fall on your car.
It's not personal. It's progress. These things have maps. Maps. Oh, okay. We're talking about maps. All right. You know what? I'll show you a map. There. This is a map.
I drew this myself. There are all these little marks all over it.
Those are some stops we have to make along the way. I got a couple of errands to run. Why does it take me like twenty miles out of my way?
There's a gas station up there. It's always one cent cheaper. Okay, the app says there's cheap gas one mile from here.
Yeah, you can't trust those things. Stop saying that.
All right. All right, fine.
Your machine can do all kinds of cool things. But does it have a heart? Can it hit it? Can it point out all the antique cars on the road and say, wow, look at that one? Can it tell you what it thinks a city should do to roads to make the traffic flow better? Can it read the signs on the side of the road and offer no further opinion or information because it's desperate to fill the silence but doesn't know what to say? Can your machine do those things?
Yeah. I didn't think so. If you'll excuse me, I have a flight that leaves tomorrow so I have to get to the airport now. I'm calling the cops. |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_hello_my_name_is_yeardsly_tinsley | Hi and welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat and here's how the show works. We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview.
There he is. Come on in. Hey. You're at Hannah's hands now? What's up? What are you making me into today? I can't tell you. Hey down there. Get out of our way because your date is the day that we... I love jock jams.
I have a disease and I've never eaten a vegetable.
Alright guys, let's go. School, school, school. Oh man. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Hello, I'm Pat Cassels and I'm joined tonight by a very special guest. Sir, why don't you introduce yourself to your audience. Hello, my name is Yerli Twinsli.
I am an actor. A renowned actor. The thing that people don't realize about being an actor.
Sir, you put some water, sir. I would but I... Lots, so much saliva in your... You've got to know this on camera.
The problem is I once drank enough sea water to kill a cat and I will never drink water again. I drank the equivalent of a sea world orca tank of fucking sea water.
Why don't you talk about your family a little bit. Well, I've got a terrific family. My father is dead. My mother I've never met. I heard a rumor she's Asian.
My son tried to kill himself. Wait, he did kill himself.
Let's get back to your film career. So 1991, of course, that was the year that Conquest of the Space Dragons came out.
There is a lot of skeptics about aliens and the existence aliens. I believe in aliens, Pat. And it's because I was actually abducted by aliens.
This is a true story. Really? They strapped me down face first, put the alien fingers in a butthole. Yes. All three of them each and they were at least four and I think that's 12. And you must have made a convincing argument because that is the scene that happens in the movie. Let's take a look. I took the rule, of course, for personal reasons and also because they were paying quite a bit of money. For you, I believe it was $13,000, I think. Much needed. Why?
Now you said you were raised Catholic and Baptist, which I find fascinating given some of your roles, which are... Are you... Is that a meatball sub? No?
Okay. Alright.
People worry about... Maybe they're going to get sick. Maybe they'll... I don't actually worry too much about my health. I think sometimes I'm not entirely positive it happens, but I'm pretty sure I'm eating my beard. |
ClickHole | watch_a_woman_tell_her_husband_she_s_pregnant_while_conan_o_brien_pours_good_milk_down_the_sink | So I just found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying for a while and I can't wait to tell him when he gets home. I'm so excited. Honey, I have something big to tell you. Is everything okay? Yeah, that's great. I'm pregnant.
What? Yeah. Really?
Yes, yes, I'm pregnant. I can't believe it. I know. I'm gonna have to be a kid. Yeah, we're gonna have a baby. Ah!
This milk is so fresh. Isn't this amazing? Good milk. It's unbelievable.
You took the test? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I wanted to show you, that's why I saved it. I've gotta get this good milk down the drain, A-S-A-T.
Hot. Gonna be a dad. Hot as a bat. Oh my gosh, I'm really having a baby.
Still four weeks until the expiration date on this milk.
So happy. This day in my life. I love you so much. I love you too.
This fresh good milk belongs in the sewer.
We told you about it. I need to get it there. No, not yet. I haven't told anybody else. Someone on us to do it together.
Should we call her? Yeah, we should call her together. Call your mom. |
SaturdayNightLive | good_morning_bronx_snl | Life in a park. Just a station.
I ain't Clyde See Dog. I told you to call me See Dog.
I got a represent up in here. What's so our top story when it looks like Derek Jito will be staying in the Bronx as he assigned 180 million dollar contract for 10 years. All of us here at Good Morning Bronx say we're glad you're staying Derek, especially us ladies. How about that Clyde? What? isn't that great? Derek Jita is still a Yankee. Derek Jita, please I ain't scared of Derek Jita. cuz ladies Love See Dog too. And by the way, Treble! I'm looking for you kid and if I see you, it's gonna be my for you son. That's straight up and down a client.
Remember what I said about the chitchat. We are supposed to have friendly banter in between stories. well, maybe I don't feel like having friendly banter. Maybe I rough and tough in all that, yo, if I ain't gonna be taking none of the full-stitch ass down here with the special neighborhood business report Mrs. Rosengard Hello darling!
Well in business news, I hear they're closing the Macy's here in Park Chester. No, I love my Macy's. I put my confirmation dress there. I know, I know they're moving to Bay Plaza. Where am I gonna shop now?
I remember when me and my husband Herman used to go to the Low-e's American and after we'd go over to Joe and Joe's to Eat interchange. Now, everything's crazy. But like my Herman says, even though the neighborhood is changing, if you know what I mean, we're staying, what are we gonna do? move to Pelham? they'll follow us up there too. this is Rosengard.
Oh, but I'm not finished. Oh, yes you are, Clyde. I told you it's see-through. Oh, you are so stupid.
Just introduce the weather All right, And now with the weather. The soup of my building at 2105 Bursar Avenue Dominican Loop. hey, Lou, what's the dealie on that weather, son? And then it's gone and it's ready to go. you can't see what you say. It is too cold for Dominican Republic and I'm snowing that. The people in the building they complain to me. they say it's too cold.
Boiler, man. Damn, you don't pay the rent for two months for two months. that time no rent, no heat. Yeah, kiss my ass, Lou. you beat your ass. Okay, okay. excuse me. hello. can we get back to the news? Yeah, why not? How about tomorrow's headlines: Dominican Lou found dead in polar bear cage in Brazil?
No, I'm not scared of you. Professional. You're so ghetto. My goodness we are on television. I'm embarrassed as a legitimate reporter. you are not going to mess up my chance of being the Puerto Rican Connie Chunk. You know that special you from over on edge Coon Avenue. Oh, no, you didn't. Excuse me. I am this close to my Communications degree from Lehman College. I do not need this. I will cut your ass in two. Do you don't know me? This is. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_wizard_of_oz | You're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz. You'll find he is a Wizard of Oz, if ever a Wizard of Oz. The Wizard of Oz. This classic about knowing the names of several witches has delighted children and adults for generations. But there's even more magic behind the scenes. Here are some facts that will change the way you watch The Wizard of Oz forever. The Wizard of Oz was one of the first movies filmed in Technicolor. To take full advantage of the new technology, every character was painted an exquisite brown for the first 20 minutes of the movie.
I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. Costume designers made Dorothy's ruby slippers extra shiny to distract audiences from the rise of the Third Reich. There's no place like home. The short film that appears before The Wizard of Oz is titled Sick Lions Screams in Circle and is considered a classic in its own right. Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my.
The Scarecrow was played by Ray Bulger, who was the first successful recipient of a face transplant. Bulger received the transplant after his face was ripped off by this monkey.
Now fly! Fly!
The Tin Man's costume was originally developed as a full body shield for soldiers during World War I. It was capable of deflecting bullets, but was discontinued after soldiers kept drowning on aquatic missions. To get the yellow brick road to appear a vibrant yellow, set designers had to use carcinogenic paint. This is one of the only details Hollywood kept from the original book. I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too. The Wizard of Oz was very subversive for its time. This scene actually broke the law, because women were not legally allowed to ride bikes in 1938. And this raunchy sex scene earned the film an X rating. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. But the film is especially famous for its innovative special effects. In order to achieve this effect, producers held a nationwide talent search for the house with the biggest problem, and this one was the clear winner. No special effects needed here.
This was 100% the monkeys. Now you might have heard that if you look closely enough, you can see a monkey hanging right here, getting ready to pounce on Ray Bolger and feed him to her babies. While MGM has never acknowledged the rumors, most believe it is probably a hoax, and the monkey is just strangling an extra.
And did you know about this cool thing? The Milkman's anthem pairs perfectly with the film's visuals. The Milkman is never done, for the milk does not belong inside the cow. How awesome is that? Well, that's all for now. If you get the chance, make sure to follow the Yellow Brick Road and enjoy this movie over and over again. See you next time. |
SaturdayNightLive | miles_teller_hosts_the_season_premiere_of_snl_with_kendrick_lamar_snl | Hi, I'm Miles Teller, and I'm hosting the season premiere of Snl this week with Kendrick Lamore. Oh, so you're named after an odometer. What? you know, cars have odometers that tell you how many miles you've gone, So an odometer is a Miles Teller. Oh, yeah, I don't think I was named for- like a scale is a weight teller or a thermometer is a heat teller? Well, my siblings are named Weight and Heat.
See? Hi, I'm Miles Teller, and I'm hosting the season premiere of Snl this week with Kendrick Lamore. I love this time of year. what's your favorite part of Fall? probably the Changing Leaves, you. Two words.: Yes, Autumn is rewatch season. you know, Team Iman. Team Jeff. Yes! don't touch me like that. Sorry. Hi, I'm Miles Teller, and I'm hosting the season premiere of Snl this week with Kendrick Lamore. how was everyone's summer? really great. mine was a bust, but whatever. I'm happy to be back. Yeah, I had a hit movie. you know, I think my problem was just I made too many plans, and my therapist calls it emotional inertia, which means that I like stay stuck in one place, but I think it's because I'm a scorpio and a lever rising, which means that I try to balance too much internally and externally. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Home_Alone | Are you here all by yourself? Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I'd be here alone?
I don't think so. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'm going to be looking at Home Alone, the hit holiday comedy starring Macaulay Culkin as young Kevin McCallister who, after he's accidentally left behind by his vacationing family, has to defend his home from two dim-witted burglars with a series of elaborate traps, events that surely could have been avoided if Kevin's father owned a gun and taught him how to use it. The film begins with the McCallister family rushing to the airport for their flight to Paris, and in the mayhem, they mistakenly leave Kevin behind. This is not their only instance of reckless behavior. Kevin's dad, played by John Heard, has no firearms in the house that his son can use to defend himself when the criminals arrive. Fancy trips to Paris are nice, but you know what's even nicer? The peace of mind that your home is secure and that your children know how to defend themselves with a firearm. In Home Alone's most memorable sequence, Kevin rigs the house with a number of booby traps.
And while these scenes might be entertaining, they're also dangerously misleading. If you have two seasoned criminals coming after your child, do you want him to protect himself with an obstacle course of toys? Of course not. You want him equipped with a firearm and the muscle memory that comes from patient, responsible training. Paint cans aren't going to save you. Only a gun can do that.
Our Founding Fathers knew this. That's why they wrote the Second Amendment. Paul Revere didn't yell, The British are coming!
Arrange your Christmas ornaments and zip lines. He grabbed a musket and defended his land. One of the more troubling aspects of this film is that it trains children to think that criminals are as goofy and inept as Harry, played by Joe Pesci, and Marv, played by Daniel Stern. The fact is, there are bad people in this world, and when they get ahold of you, they're going to do a lot more than give you a talking to. They'll hog-tie you and shoot your brains all over the wall. If the McCallisters were responsible parents, the movie would have ended about 30 minutes in after Kevin first spots the wet bandits on his property, grabs his dad's gun, and shoots to kill. If you detect a trespasser and fear bodily harm, deadly force is protected by law, and each of my children knows this. At one truly ridiculous turn, Kevin tries to stop the men by placing ornaments on the floor under the window sill. My son would have known to duck behind the Christmas tree, steady his weapon with both hands, turn around, and eliminate the threat quickly and lethally. Now I also want to talk about Kevin's traps.
The burning doorknob, the blowtorch. These devices aren't safe. They could set the house on fire.
A gun, responsibly used and maintained, is extremely safe. Personally, I keep a Beretta 92FS on my nightstand loaded with HydroShock hollow points. I can grab it and fire without even having to get out of bed.
All my kids, including my youngest, an eight-year-old boy just like Kevin, know where to find it and what to do with it. But precisely because of its pitfalls, Home Alone is an excellent teaching tool. Every holiday season when my family gathers to watch this film, I use it as an opportunity to remind my wife and kids that if you don't put in the time on the shooting range, you're just a sitting duck. I can tell you this much.
If Harry and Marv ever broke into my house, they wouldn't be slipping on little toy cars. They'd be slipping on their own blood. For the Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | the_9_creepiest_things_movies_portray_as_romantic_after_hours | Show her boner. No, boners. A bouquet of boners. A veritable cornucachia.
Shut up. I know what I'm doing. Yes, your instincts. Go with those. That'll be funnier. You're attractive. Huh. Oh no. I'm sorry. Alrighty. For that. To be clear.
Any refills here?
Hello. What I mean to say is you're very attractive. You are. Of face. And the rest. The whole party. Hi.
My sorry is because how I bet you hear this all the time. This exact thing? I bet not. Stop it. I'm doing great. And I imagine that the time that you hear this and you get stopped for which adds up a lot.
And that must be inconvenient because everyone likes time. And I'm sorry for being another one of those wasting your timers. But it's your fault for being so attractive that we shouldn't eat.
So we're going to get me out of here. Hey everyone. Thank you for coming. Unfortunately, Daniel's been called away to a charitable event.
Impressive veneer. Can't tell if she thought you were joking, rejected your advances, or didn't even register anything you said. Yeah. They'll do that sometimes. Hey. You made some solid eye contact. Okay.
You never hit on a woman on the clock in the service industry. It's immediately uncomfortable because it's part of her job to pretend to be nice to you. Also, don't focus solely on looks because it makes most women feel like objects. And a woman being attractive? Not her fault.
Oh, but you know what that reminds me of? Creepiest? Because me? Aw. Just mostly. You know, I've been thinking about this a lot lately though.
On the spectrum of bad guys, most people are worried about like the sleazy pickup artists. The obvious douchebags. But I feel like romance movies have created a far more dangerous type of creep. The guys who confuse big gestures and relentless stalking with real emotional connection.
And can't hardly wait. Preston doesn't know anything about Amanda. And yet he just decides that he's in love with her and then spends the next four years obsessing over her so that he can pounce on her the minute she becomes available. Amanda and I are connected. Do you know who Preston Niers is? And sure, Lloyd Dobler gets Diane Court in Say Anything because they're meant to be together.
But before the happy ending, this is just a guy with martial arts training aggressively following a woman who has repeatedly rejected his advances. But he does the boombox. The old ones, those are heavy. He shows both physical strength and sensitivity in one move.
Aw, you know what? I thought I didn't want to be with you because you had absolutely no life plans outside of being with me. I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it. But then you blasted that song that was playing the first time we f***ed right at my window, so I guess you're mature now. We're creating an entire generation of Ted Mosby's who thinks that chasing a woman is the same thing as getting to know her, and that unsolicited, unreciprocated romantic gestures earn viewpoints that will someday be traded in for sex.
That's nowhere near as bad as Twilight, which, yes, I only watched because I thought it would help me win an argument. But no, not about this.
Team Jacob? TJ for life! I am hotter than you.
My point, vis-a-vis this, is that the tweens, or twat-a-lessons, or whatever we're calling them now, still hold up Twilight as their be-all-end-all romance, and it's terrifying. The first movie has a vampire fall in love with a girl, and they both immediately commit to each other forever. I can't help being with you forever. In the second one, he decides he loves her so much that he's going to kill himself to keep from hurting her. Meanwhile, she constantly puts herself in danger, knowingly, because it's the only way to get his attention. Got an entire franchise based on the mutual belief that love has to include constant threat of attack or suicide. If we're talking about dangerous romantic gestures, I feel like every high school movie should be immediately stricken from the conversation.
Uh, I'm sorry. Are we not actually going to help me court this waitress? I need tips. Yeah, don't use the word court. There's your tip.
Soren, you were contributing. Yeah, a high school movie romances should get a bye because they're just trying to be authentic to how high school feels. You're just surging with all these hormones that are out of control. Everything is high stakes. It's just art trying to reflect that. It's why Romeo and Juliet and all of its descendants have to be about 14 to 15 year olds, because that's the only part of your life where you actually feel that idiotically and dramatically about romance. That's probably the best word to describe it. Oh, so suddenly it's idiotic to kill yourself because you just meant the love of your life at a party and you barely know anything about them.
I always thought that running to stop someone from getting married at the last second was the creepiest one. Greeted sister, banging on the glass, causing a hole scene. That's the worst one.
Here's a road-tested, committed couple, and they're just going to split up because some guy is good at giving dramatic speeches. Yes, exactly. The popularization of the don't marry that guy move.
No! I'm just asking you not to marry him. Stop this! Stop this now!
Basically, fundamentally misunderstands the whole point of a relationship. It's not about those big moments. Yeah, the guy wins her over with some speech, but a relationship is about those tiny, like, intimate moments. You know, the ones where you're just sitting around the house together. You have to like being with someone, even when they're not giving you some big, grand, romantic speech about how awesome they are.
My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She used to fart in the sleep.
Or do like me and hold out for someone who only communicates in speeches about how great you are. You know, every movie that does that don't marry that person speech, they borrow that from the graduate. The only movie that accurately shows what actually happens to a couple after that part. The guy comes and does the thing. She says okay, and they run off together, and then they realize they have no idea what the hell they're doing with their lives. It's the key moment in that film, but all the movies that are inspired by it, leave it out, because it's a downer. That's not the worst part of the wedding interruption trope. Sure it is.
Can you hear Sorin's speech? Sorin, do it again, but hold up a boombox.
Okay, when a man swoops in and steals a woman from a wedding, that's perpetuating the idea that a woman doesn't know how to decide for herself who to be with, that she's just waiting around for some guy to win her over that she should have picked in the first place. Yeah, and it's never a woman who gives that speech. In the majority of movies where it's a woman trying to steal the groom, by the end she just ends up with some single guy at the wedding instead. Mm-hmm. Ron comes to assume that women just randomly attach themselves to Guy until some other guy comes along and runs in and says, hey, I know that you're wearing a really expensive dress, and all of your friends and family are here, and, you know, you spent so much goddamn money on this wedding, and you and the groom have, you know, really gotten to know each other, but I'm here giving a big dumb speech about love, so trust me, you know? And the woman's always like, oh, you know what?
You're right. I thought I was supposed to be with this strong man, but it turns out the whole time I was supposed to be with a different strong man to set me straight. Thank you, Owen Wilson, or whatever, probably. That was really me.
And this is only in chick flicks, movies that are specifically aimed at a female audience. I mean, that's the kind of stuff that we keep being fed over and over again at 12 bucks a pop.
Sh-t. Sh-t, poop. That's bad. Bad like sh-t.
Hey, Waitress is coming over again. You wanna give another shot?
No, no, I'm sure I just say something insensitive because movies. Sorry about movies. I'm sorry about the world for you.
See, I actually need a water refill, and there's no way she's gonna come over here now.
Hey, Internet, thank you so much for watching our After Hours about creepy romantic gestures. I have a bunch of things that you can do. You can go in the comments and tell us who you agree with. Who do you think won that argument? What creepy romantic gestures did we leave out? Which one of us is tallest, and which one of us is like, emotionally tallest?
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SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jose_suarez_on_his_goal_to_be_the_first_latino_american_president_snl | Exit polls from this year's midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. Here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez. Welcome Jose. So do you think of yourself as a republican or a democrat?
I'm just happy to be here, Colin. everybody complaining all the time about everything. Guess what? it's fine. everything is basically fine. And that's going to be my campaign slogan. Jose Suarez. everything is basically fine. so relax, Okay? it's fine. Wow. well, that is a refreshing outlook. Yes, exactly, Colin. what do people complain about anyway? my gas is too expensive. loose flash?
Ever heard of legs? My mother walked almost a hundred miles to work every day and her left leg didn't work. she had to pull it. doesn't make any sense.
And inflation, Colin. everybody complain Inflation is so bad. the price of milk is too high. how about just don't drink milk? Who's even complaining about the price of milk? the babies? Do you drink milk, Colin? I mean, maybe just a warm glass before bed.
High five, Colin. everybody complain, oh, the wi-fi is too slow. the Wi-fi. my poor little wi-fi. I don't think that's a major complaint. Growing up in Cuba, Colin, there was no Wi-fi. it was only why. Why is it so hot? why did the power go out? Why is the President taking all our stuff? Colin, if you want something in America, you press a button on your phone and Jeff Bezos send it to your house. What are we complaining about?
Can we go back and say you were born in Cuba? Well, then you can't run for President, right? I don't think anybody really gonna care about that, Colin. I'm pretty sure they are, but let's just talk about some of your positions. like, what are your thoughts on Roe versus Wade? well, I say Roe if you can, but if you don't have a vote, you're gonna have to wait. I'm just kidding, Colin.
I'm just kidding. all I know is if I am the President, every mother gonna get one chancleta. And what is a chancleta, Jose? And what is a chancleta, Jose? it's a sandal, Colin. And what is a mother going to do with one sandal? you never know. that's the scary part. sometimes they don't even have to use it. they just show it, send a message, and they put it away. that's what I thought. All right. Chancleta. I will remember that. my one-year-old has been acting up. So, Jose, what is your final message to the American people? that we should all be grateful, Colin. this is a great country, and I think we need to remember how lucky we really are. that's true, although it does seem like you're kind of ignoring some pretty real problems in the country. what did you say to me, Colin? that's what I thought. Jose Suarez, everyone. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_52_phil_kearns | Sitting out here in the Diamantina, it's dried out a little bit since the river went up over the last couple of weeks and everyone up north are putting back in their fence posts. But we have a special guest today, he's doing a tour, he just did a corporate lunch down at the Batooter Leagues last night, he's been kind enough to come and visit us. Sixty seven caps for the Wallabies, capping them ten times. Phil Kearns, thanks for joining us. Terrific to be here and it was a lovely feed at the Leagues Club that fished straight from Menindee, it was terrific to have. You don't get any flathead that's better than the stuff you get out of the Darling River. Bit of dry ice.
How did the Corpie go with all those Leagues? We just talked some of the great qualities of rugby league, respectful to all, we embrace everyone in our game, in that rugby league game. I'm not sure a lot of them understood what I was saying, because I used a couple of words with more than three or four syllables. Kings English. No, no, we respect all our sports around here, regardless of what they are, but great fans of the 13 man code, I'm not sure they knew where the other two fit in, in the 15 man code. Yeah, no, I read in the paper the other day that there were a couple of people who were upset that the Waratahs and the Reds, they played their game on the SCG just there a few days ago and they destroyed the pitch apparently, and apparently they were lost as to why the Leagues and the Aerial Ping Pong Boys, they didn't tear up the pitch quite as bad and they had to explain the concept that the two Scrums are indeed different. Yeah, yeah, we push in our Scrums and we've actually got some real big blokes, so the average Scrum these days is around 900 kilos, which is a little bit more than the rugby league Scrum, and their shoulders do actually meet and they do actually push against each other, so it creates quite a bit of force, and a bit of turf that was laid three days earlier probably isn't going to cut it out there on the SCG, I mean the key, and the other thing about that game is you understand you're a long, long way from the ground when you're at the SCG, a huge amount of distance, the only person in the commentary box who could see anything was Greg Clarke because he had his binoculars on, but Timmy Horan and I called most of it off the TV because we couldn't see who the players were, it was a long way away. Now that's one thing we want to talk to you about today is about how the game has gotten bigger and stronger and the Scrums are now, you may as well take a car out there and cut a few hoops because the players are such specimens, you got to see both sides of that. You were in the amateur era where there'd be a lot of players kind of waking up and ringing out the piss before they even hit the paddock, and then obviously you got to see it going to where it is now where there's people that look like David Pocock. Yeah, and every jersey now is painted on, they're skin tight, there is nothing to grab on to. Yeah there's not a lot of players around in any code that look like David Pocock, that's a special specimen, that one, but yeah I mean I was seen to be a pretty big bloke when I was playing and I was playing weight was sort of been between a hundred and eight and a hundred and twelve kilos and my props were maybe a little bit heavier, Euan Mackenzie was a bit of a monster at a hundred and eighteen kilos but now you got guys 125, 130 running around and and the second row is the same you know there's plenty of six-foot eighters and a hundred and thirty, 140 kilo guys which it's a little bit scary I mean one of the scariest was when wingers stopped being little white guys and when Jonah Lomond came along and yeah that was a bit scary when Jonah came along and you know he was as big as a number eight or second rower and could run real quick and handled it were they said built like a steakhouse handled like a bistro, yeah that was him mate, he was he was impossible to stop there's some great footage of my great mate Rod Kaefer trying to tackle Jonah on a couple of occasions because in one game Kaefer did pick Jonah out and sit him on his bum yeah and the next time the two came together that was in a trial game and then when they two came together in the actual competition round we have video footage of it at Fox Sports where Kafe does go backwards at least eight meters to be sat on his backside it's one of the great sights in world rugby watching Jonah run but even a better sight seeing Kafe getting smashed, yeah now you got to see the All Blacks go from like a national kind of pastime to a national machine as well on the other side of the ditch mind you in that era the Wallabies were doing a similar thing Australian sport was was ripping and tearing across the board you know from rafter to you guys to you know to the Australian cricket side like we're having a great run but New Zealand obviously all of their energy was channeled into the All Blacks and you had to play them you know a couple times a year sometimes more what was it like watching that I was lucky I was played in a great team I played the All Blacks 19 times and 111 so came out in the right side of the draw on that one and and so I was lucky to play in a great era with a great team we have a couple of unfortunate things here and they're called AFL and rugby league you can imagine the team that we could put together for the Wallabies if we if we didn't have those two kids and we all played rugby, Buddy Franklin, yeah we'd be difficult to stop that has been a hindrance to our rugby superiority but we've punched above our weight for a long period of time you know when you when you look at the some of the European nations like England have got more players in the world than anywhere else yeah and they're becoming dominant New Zealand just have one single focus and it's you know forget rugby league or soccer over there and they're smart enough not to have AFL they've got a big advantage and that the whole national psyche is pointed towards one team which being part of the All Blacks would be a bit weird too I reckon yeah it'd be a bit it'd be a bit too culty I think it'd be women want to marry your men want to be a kind of thing yeah which of course you guys had a little bit as well you said 11 out of 19 that was it was pretty red-hot you look at some of the teams I was lucky enough to play and you think about the back lines that we had you know then the 99 winning World Cup team back line when you had Gregan Larkham Horan little Roth tune and Burke Queenslanders how do you not win it's hard not to win when you got a team like that yeah and it was also lucky too that when Chris Latham when he decided that that he'd like to pull down the Sox and hop into to Matt Burke's boots he he was more than an apt yeah and he was a New South Washington that went yeah and you also you forget that we were captained by your good friend John Eales yes well at the time yeah yes yeah Johnny was another great Queenslander tell us a little bit more about where you're at now post playing because obviously we look at you you're looking fit you're well dressed you're not a pokey rep or you know like you're not doing what a lot of exportsman do close country is it funny that you kind of going to work with Tim Horan and you kind of these you can't get away from these blocks or yeah Tim Timmy's in funds management now he's really moved upscale he was in banking before that so you know you can see what a dodgy character he is by being in those industries a recent report into all that yeah there was something I'm not sure if it got out the patoot I'm sure it would have there'd be some banking criminals out here for sure there are there's there's lots of people who didn't put their name down on the the census we had last year you know there were lots of people who decided it'd be better if the government didn't know that they were living out here yeah well Horan to be one of those for sure yeah I mean I'm sure he would use opals as a form of currency if he could crypto currency and opal see things that he uses I imagine the crypto is pretty big in the rugby union world right now a lot of those young players currently bought that new Range Rover with crypto I think that Kirtley got that new Range Rover through the most old-fashioned way that you can get one just through a handshake and a long lunch yeah that's what other way is there so aside from from doing your work with Fox Sports you work in insurance now and and you've also got another side hustle as well I'd imagine where you you try to raise some money for Olympic athletes who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford to go over and compete in these games yeah I've developed a little bit of a passion for actually trying to properly fund sport in Australia and that passion grew out of a couple of things but one my daughter is a budding she'd love to be an Olympian she plays water polo but when you see what drives athletes and drove me was seeing heroes in the Olympics Landy Elliott you know Raylene Boyle run and and seeing Jotarima Jotarima you're bringing some names out there and and you know so those those legends Dawn Fraser and you you know the other people had inspired a nation to get off their ass and do stuff and so our funding has decreased dramatically we won 58 medals in Sydney and now we're down to 29 at Rio and we'll continue going backwards unless we spend some coins so I've been seeing Bill and Scott and they've decided it seems to do not very much you know the issues around national pride mental health you know the health general health and well-being of our kids etc etc they seem to be secondary to buying submarines and planes yeah well that was one thing we spoke to Ian Healey earlier also late last year and Healey was as he pointed out you can see it in India you know when they're winning in the cricket you can see the entire nation's mood changes it kind of lifts everyone and that's what you're kind of talking about here it's like if we need to actually make allowances for feeling these feelings that you get from seeing you know Phil Kearns go over and well I mean the thing that kills me the most is that the poms actually think they're a better sporting nation than us now yeah how hard does that hit you yeah yeah because they're not no well if you go on medal count they are and they spend a bucket load of money on sport which we don't well how much are we spending like how much money is the government pouring into sport now we the government spends 150 million dollars on our 45 Olympic sports right which is 0.027 percent of the Australian budget yeah even if we doubled it and took it to 0.05 4% Australian it's not a huge amount of money so there's there's lots of scope to do and to put it in in perspective I know that one of the universities in the US spends 400 million dollars a year so that's one university in the US spending more than double we spend here probably with a stadium that could fit all of our stadiums in it well they hosted the 84 Olympics yeah is where their football ground is all right right Atlanta right no no la la Colosseum right right well as you were talking about earlier how the government's more inclined to spend the money on objects of war I'm just reading here that I that an f-35 that we've bought you know they have a a unit cost of almost 90 million u.s. dollars piece hmm so basically if if we didn't buy just another one of those jet planes we could probably win a lot more gold medals yeah one plane which will probably delivered in 2036 yeah yeah we could have one less that's going to keep us and that'll keep our medal tally a little bit higher but wouldn't you rather feel a bit more you know like we don't want to really be a weaker nation in terms of you know we do have this ominous threat from China and Indonesia and New Zealand well imaginative Papua New Guinea go rogue which you know I think they're really the promise to push into in into the western half of their island into Irian Jaya and I'm I'm actually concerned that we could get another East Timor on our hands that we could have another rogue state that's why we need a 90 million dollar jet to yeah that takes the rebels down that we need to drop a a two hundred and fifty thousand dollar guarded bomb onto six people in the back of a Hilux in the highlands of PNG I think that's a more pertinent use to our public funds well I think you're right the threat from Bathurst Island Melville Island if those people you know become armed yep and of course the submarines what was it fifty billion dollars the other day for seven submarines I'll just hop on to fight Isis underwater fifty billion dollars which is yeah which is as much as the previous labor government was committed to spending on the NBN yeah imagine how many gold medals if we spent fifty billion we'd win every medal we have a team of po-cocks we'd have a team of Cameron Smith's and Cooper Cronk's we'd have athletes with a little red light coming out of their I think with 50 billion dollars yeah right so aside from the Olympics the you know the gold medal tallies we've kind of dropped off as well in terms of our other sports I mean aside from the pajama cricket I mean we've really not got a world-beating team into all in men's you know our ladies teams have have won a lot of big titles and everything but you know you really get meatier on that these days when Elia Elia and and Charlotte Kaslick are really kind of paving the way in sevens which I think has been great for rugby union you know got bring home gold medals from the Olympics what do you what are your thoughts on across the board outside of I mean not just Olympics what do you think's going on with our non domestic codes because our domestic codes you know it's like the WWE there's fireworks everything's you know there's scandals there's all kinds of stuff going on there's a little eyes on it what about our national sides you know it is the players certainly have a major part of it but the players have to be part of an infrastructure that is also performing and I think it's no secret the Queensland rugby union just announced they'd lost a million bucks last year and that's part of a bigger story car Michael or well partly yeah car Michael Quaid and James slipper who are no longer playing for the Reds but the Reds are still partially funding them we're not making much money at Australian rugby union level either but then you look at our create codes and the administration there haven't covered themselves in glory either so yeah there there are a number of sports who possibly rugby league may have had a pretty bad offseason as well that is mostly player-driven rather than administration you know so right across the board and all those male codes we're having some issues which the women's codes don't seem to be having and that's a question I want to get to do you think that's because a lot of them are still kind of in that amateur kind of Twilight do you think that's a lot more get off your ass for the women's codes right now because you played where they're at right now you you were at and the game was that yeah do you feel like there's a different attitude different atmosphere absolutely and and you could notice and I've met a few of the Australian women's sevens girls a few times they're they're terrific ambassadors there's this sense that they're just playing because they want to play yeah there's no brand and there's no there's no brand Quaid or Kirtley or whatever Israel or whatever they're just there to play and they're there particularly in the sevens you know you mentioned what you kind of working on now does it kind of do you see red when you see the the politicians going to these matches and showing their face and and kind of you know harvesting political points off being in a bloody cricket match or a football match when you know that they've done close to fuck all to actually you know get those results well and and the Olympians and ex-Olympians are being asked every day by government to go with them and meet some world leader from Cuba or Afghanistan or whatever those that might have a particularly a particular penchant for pole vaulting so they'll ring up one of the pole vaulters and say can you come to this meeting and they're constantly getting asked to do that but there's no favors in return for the rose to the Olympics the rose are handing out canapes for Gina Reinhardt the Gina's funding himself I can do that so Gina Gina's funding the rowing and the swimming she's chosen to fund sports that are kind of across the board equal gender was which I imagine water polo is as well the the women's and the men's that's that's Gina's kind of contribution which which you know obviously greatly appreciated by the players who are having their rent paid and being put on allowances what would be happening to the rowers right now if it wasn't for Gina Reinhardt well if I can put it into perspective with one athlete who did win gold and that's Chloe Esposito won gold and got not one cent from the federal government now she does get a little bit of money but she lives in Belgium with a father and that's where they train and compete in over there in Europe her mother runs a swim school in Western Sydney her husband is back here and works and they send money over so that they can train and compete and try and win the government gives Chloe a little bit of money now and claim her as their own but they gave her nothing before she won that gold and you can't any can't hit you know you can't head out in the Olympics with a bit of you know oak milk across the front of your jersey can you yeah if only they did yeah Wentworthville RSL written across you we have a little bit of the open valley going on for the rowers again yeah yeah I think you're allowed to have the tutor yeah leagues or something like that across well the tutor dolphins is the league side and of course the the tutor porpoises of the rugby union side in town first um saltwater porpoises in the Simpson desert you said you spoke to Bill you know I'd be interested to hear what Bill Shorten's idea of sport is because he is famously not that into sport you know he's more into telling people to go on strike and laundry has modeled his career off a famous Olympian yes Stephen Bradbury what to be fair to Bill he actually got it more than Scott yeah bill bill got it and what we've actually turned sporting to these days is something it's only accessible to rich kids yeah and you know it costs about 10,000 bucks to send your kid to a junior world championships for example and I've had stories from athletes and from their parents saying that you know they sold the family car so they could send their kid overseas and and literally doing that sort of stuff so it is something accessible to rich kids only and bill doesn't like that and neither do I so what I asked both he and Scott for for the same thing as I asked him for 250 million dollars a year rather than 150 so not a massive you know ask we just we just done the maths on the airplanes and the submarines so in the scheme of things not really pretty small and I asked for him to go without two jet planes two jet planes that's well actually only one because it's if we keep the hundred and fifty true we only need one more plane and we're nearly there or one less plane we're almost there and I asked for three billion dollars for a future fund for sport and that why we never have to go back to the government again and ask them for a coin we can just live off the dividends of that and hopefully grow that and and have something that's that's there for sport forever yeah if there's one group of people I think that'll be probably the best at being at the helm of that fund I probably feel more comfortable if there are a bunch of union boys well and to add to that we're we've got a great Xbox and I'm Linde Johan Linde and he was a super heavyweight competed at the Olympics and he works for New South Wales Treasury so I think he'd be a great bloke that could head and he's gonna say about six foot six and I reckon I've put him in a hundred and fifteen kilo so he'd be a great guy to guard that money yeah maybe with his hands yeah yeah better job than yeah then then I watchman Morrison of course we need to ask across the board you know what have you kind of seen like other stories that you know you mentioned that one before about the families having to sell the car has there been like an Ian Thorpe who's had to you know not go to the Olympics and you know have to go and actually work well they never become famous because they can't go on and do it but there are lots of stories you know there's a female boxer I just become aware of and she's selling t-shirts on Facebook now to try and fuel her Olympic gold dream there's a shooter who's ranked four in the world an Australian trap shooter and he was driving seven hours to go to training three and a half hours each way so instead of doing that his family sold the family farm and bought a smaller one so they had enough money to fund putting a range on the farm so parents are going to extraordinary lengths to help their kids become athletes and it's just not right well you know election coming up the state election as well so that is one thing we need to ask so people say when we were winning and we're winning we mentioned it earlier across cricket you know tennis and rugby was there a lot more money coming in pre Olympics that's that's the conspiracy that Australia wanted to look were we spending back then so eight years ago nine years ago 2010 we were spending just on 200 million on sport and so we're gonna hide watermark and we've gone yeah that was high watermark so well we probably spent more in Sydney I don't want the nut and don't know what the number was back in before the Sydney Olympics it would have been more and but it would have been we had less travel and less expenses and those sort of things back then but yet we spent 200 million dollars so we're going backwards by a quarter and there's a thing called inflation so prices normally go up yeah so it's more expensive to compete and if you're thinking about cyclists you know the cost of a bike or the rows the cost of rowing boats everything's gone up in price the Paralympic athletes trying to campaign that I know that they've got some crowdfunding pages there's one of the girls has got a crowdfunding page she needs 20 grand to buy a bike to compete in triathlon at the next Olympics yeah so this is what they're trying to do they're trying to scab around and put their hand out for some coins that's not their job no one who needs to do that particularly good at it they need you know that needs to be provided for them is that what you're saying absolutely yeah least to get some equipment I was actually talking to Zali Stegall the other name the other day just to drop a name and when she went to the Olympics she had to pay for excess baggage to get a skis on board so it's it's a you know it's been going around for a while now that's something we do want to talk about your name was thrown in the ring as the possible Zali Stegall leading into the federal election I'm not a very good skier killer yeah it was I got two phone calls along the way saying I hear you running I said thanks for letting me know because I didn't know I was running but never never a thought never thought I do live in the Waringa electorate I do live in the Waringa electorate I do see the signs the anti Tony signs they really don't like him in the area it's gonna be a tough battle for him yeah well and also Zali sounds like one that would be in your corner she yeah yeah I think she she definitely supports the Olympic cause there's 300 nearly 300 athletes now that of supporting the cause and of behind me and and it's actually exciting for me to see you know people like Shelly Watts and Nana Mears and her belly it and Dawn Fraser and Raylene Boyle they're they're all emailed and they said we're behind you with you and and you know they're they're my heroes yeah let's just talk about the donor kind of setups and the philanthropy in the rugby there's been a lot of people over the years that throw their hands up to revolutionize the game with their own money what are your thoughts on that Twiggy Forest of course there was a similar one when you were playing with Packer with the what was that called the World Rugby Corporation World Rugby Corporation that was in 95 yes 95 96 yeah what do you what do you think of this these kind of hands-on kind of figures I think it's fantastic they've got a passion for a game and if they've got the coin that they're willing to help there's a thing called the Australian Sports Foundation which they can make their make their donations tax-deductible as well and then direct them to whatever sport needs to be directed to Twiggy's one's an interesting one you know Australian rugby Twiggy is saying we've got 50 million dollars to to spend geez you'd be sidling alongside him and buy him a schooner wouldn't you yeah I mean that's are you so you're pro you're pro Twiggy in the scheme of things with the I know the rugby world is divided yeah I know that uh certainly where rugby Australia's gone in recent years has kind of you know split people down the middle and now you've got Twiggy over there in the West who is willing to put his money where his mouth is and yeah I just think it's probably good for the game but in in the same way it's causing a lot of division yeah I'm not I'm not a fan I've got to say of the the rugby idea up into you know I think it's called rapid rugby that they're trying to get up I'm not sure I'm a fan of that but purist yeah I'm more of a purist and just I think it's when you know we got it we got it and I'm not sure that the Malaysians Taiwanese Vietnamese etc are really built for yeah the 15 aside game seven aside game different story and it took the Japanese a couple decades they weren't at that level when you were playing at all no no they were it wasn't until they beat South Africa in the world they came to the fore the person who got the most out of that was Eddie Jones you know well he ends up coaching you know how much money he's making coaching England but he's making a bucket load so you say more than the Reds in the early 2000s yeah slightly yeah a little bit well maybe that's why the Reds are in financial trouble maybe they paid Eddie too much you know they paid in Japan money so what is the feeling do you think Twiggy's idea could work do you think Alice Springs could have a rugby team professional you know Twiggy's idea his passion is for Western Australia and to get Western Australia back in into Australian rugby and I think you know there's got to be some sort of pathway that you can make mightn't be next year or the year after but maybe if you create a five or seven year plan to get WA back as part of super rugby then I'm sure that yeah it's got to be achievable it's just too much of an enticing thing for a code to do is to miss out on that sort of money and and and look the force over there in WA they weren't it wasn't anything like the Suns in the AFL and the Gold Coast they had a fan base you know obviously South African Kiwi expat community that's existing in Perth and you were on the ground did you see was it a real fan base there's an everything community over there in WA from you know the Welsh the Irish the Scots they're all there the South Africans heaps of poms and South Africans and you know they would they would fill that ground yeah depending on who was playing but certainly for a local Derby or when they were playing the Crusaders they'd filled that ground up and so there was that passion there it wasn't like the Western Reds rugby league over there they actually had people turning up to the game Adelaide Rams so that was good and it's real and it's palpable and they're a passionate community over there and and they feel probably rightly they weren't respected mm-hmm well I think that uh that the IRB has has finally responded to Twiggy and their sort of latest brainwave that they've come up with this is this worldly concept where they've got basically the six nations but they've included Italy overlooked other sort of rugby big nations like they've overlooked Georgians they've overlooked a couple of other people Portugal Portugal too and Spain and Russia too from that Kiribati Kiribati yeah Kiribati but um they've decided to form you know like a six nations team in in the southern hemisphere but chosen to include a northern hemisphere team in Japan and only one Pacific Island and they've overlooked you know Argentina which has got like the fourth highest amount of rugby union players in the world they've overlooked them and they've always been a very competitive team what are your feelings on on this new world league won't happen no no no not in the short term it just will not happen in the short term and there's also the added confusion now that one of the private equity firms is looking to buy half of the six nations tournament and the six nations will make a lot more money out of that up north and they will out of having a world league if we could if we could put all the levers in your hands for the next couple years what what would you be your plays are a culture you would need to remove is there a yeah gee I shouldn't say too much because I ran for the ARU job last time and missed out so I've got to be very careful I nearly did have the leaders but certainly one of the biggest things and one of the growing strengths in our game is is club rugby and the return to the good times of club rugby is really important and that's where I learned to play footy was in a club having my head shoved up my ass by some cranky 38 year old prop that was at the end of his career with bunnies some copper down and that was the way you learnt to play and they taught you the game and what we've done a lot over the past is break down that pathway of the recent past is break down that pathway and now kids are going straight from year ten at school into some elite program where they actually don't play footy anymore yeah well they actually have a viral YouTube video first yes to grade 10 to getting a knee injury playing for the Melbourne Rebels oh how do you feel about what you know people like Nick boredom have sort of done with club rugby down there in Sydney you know is that a step in the right direction you know to have it like a carnival atmosphere with you know helicopters and fireworks and and things like that it's the Randwick East game last year and there are about eight thousand down there for that game with terrific crowd ringer and manly get regular crowds and part of the thing behind that is tribalism and you know you'd see it in the Queensland country towns when they're bashing each other up that tribalism is is fantastic you know we had 20,000 at the grand final at North Sydney Oval and people are seeing that tribalism in their local communities and they want to be part of it and we've got a you know as a code we've got to embrace that and figure out ways we can help through that grassroots focus so how come all this tribalism and enthusiasm isn't trickling up you know like how come we haven't good how come we haven't got that type of enthusiasm in the NRC and you know and indeed up into the up into the state teams and into the national team no one gives a stuff about the NRC to be completely Frank did you say that when they announced it did you say that was what was going to happen because a lot of people were saying that yeah no no I want to know for something that's not going to work was that the feeling no one cares too much about Canberra playing Queensland country not a lot of try they don't hate each other a lot those those two areas yeah so there's not a lot around that tribalism is critical it's meant to mince why you know the AFL is so successful they have a lot of tribalism involved in that at super rugby level there is tribalism amongst the Australian teams and and to a degree certainly against the Kiwi teams but I know I don't get up at three o'clock in the morning to watch the waratahs play against the cheetahs or the cheetahs or whatever it might be that's an expensive flight for that whole team too yeah that's where a lot of money's going that's like 30 people in business class to Argentina that's you know Jesus what's that that's almost that's almost a quarter of a million dollars in flights that's a lot of money it is and and you go then you go to South Africa and then you go up in Japan yeah and Argentina's one leg of a conference right yeah yeah maybe everyone should start flying economy and I'm not sure if you really care if the Hagueras beat the Sunwolves yeah I'm very well on it invested in that I spent a lot of time in in Japan as a boy you know there is a quite a bit of there is quite a bit of tribalism between England and Argentina for previous reasons yeah but that's a I didn't know that Japan and Argentina ever went to war I don't think so yeah we are okay I think they took a few of them in after the war yeah but we we actually were doing a copy up in Brisbane around wintertime last year and went down for a little look at South Annerley and this was an accident that happened in the Queensland Club rugby was where Quaid Cooper was being paid Wallabies money to turn up and play park football and it revolutionized what was happening down there there would have been like I said 5000-8000 people down there watching Quaid play because you can play footy and you know you can just rock up and you know if you're on the other side of the oval bring your own peers you know I mean so do you feel like that was probably the biggest crowd I've seen in a football match you know super or otherwise in a long time do you feel like that kind of you know the dribblers really need to be given a treat like that every now and then actually keep these guys down there for a week or two the season and have them associated with some sort of club yeah and a great way to come back from injuries you play a couple of games for you for your club and you come back and people love it I love seeing and having that close access and being able to walk on the field afterwards and shake hands with Quaid you know that's what people want to see and that's what gets kids involved in the game there was a great quote from a headmaster that I know he said you cannot aspire to what you cannot see so if you're a kid and you see Quaid Cooper play you want to be like Quaid and you know or whoever it is that you want to aspire to right Andrew Walker was playing down in that comp about five years ago he was still getting around to playing prems yeah just just one more question before we go Phil in the in the event that that the Wallabies do go over to Japan the end of this year and we we get flogged in the pool by Wales Georgia and Fiji and the and the people are demanding that heads roll at Rugby Australia will you be throwing your your cat back in there oh geez that's a loaded question I'm not sure I'm not sure about that tell us your deepest aspirations yeah well you could give us you know the Barnaby Joyce type answer and say fine and then no no I'm very happy with doing what I'm doing at the at the moment so no I mean I'm not a big believer that you should go back for a second bite at things but you never know you never know never say never no it's more of a job for you know for a younger man a woman well there is the fallacy in the game or in most games at the forwards of the doubles but in fact the back line are more interested in you know having their hair look good yes stuff common their hair came in their hair than any substance so if you want some substance you get a front rower yeah it sounds like a job for George Greg and then yes in between and got no hair so we'll see how we go he also has the cologne of a back rower so thank you for joining us today Phil it's been a pleasure being here in Batuta and you know anytime you want me back on here all right we'll have to get you back to do the porpoises corpi you know in August looking forward to it right the long line is no funds allowed yes and thank you to Phil Kearns once again for joining us here in koala studios here at Desert Rock FM we're just coming up to the top of the hour here so our time is almost up Clancy yes thank you for joining us today listeners what a riveting interview that was and it is interesting to see where Phil Kearns is at post career we obviously hear him commentating from time to time but to see him sticking it to the night watchman and the incoming prime Bradbury will be interesting to watch over the next couple years as he you know gets a bit of grassroots support for a bit of funding for our Olympians and other Australian sports representatives and as the winter codes fire up I'm sure we will be seeing a lot more of him thanks for listening that's it for this week I'm Clancy overall you be kind to each other and my name is Errol Parker stay out of the pokies never talk to cops they're not your friends you're out to ruin your life |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Local_Woman_Now_An_Expert_Another_Local_Woman_Actually_Enjoys_Watching_Sports_N_ | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Petuta Advocate bulletin my name is Clancy Overall I'm joined by Effie Bateman and Errol Parker because of course the young fella Wendell Hussey is travelling the world He is he's currently on his way to Tamale where he's going to take in some rays and then he's going to go off to America and then he's off to after he's done coast-to-coast in America he's going off to the British Virgin Islands to visit the head office of the Petuta Advocate which is just you know a PO box in a law firm's mail room wink wink then he's going off to enjoy the shoulder season in Europe as they say for the Rugby Union World Cup yeah she's going over there for the the patch on elbow rugby I still don't know how he wrangled two months out of you guys is it true that he asked you when you were drunk that's a good tactic I've used that on men during dates before that's where you get them that's that's asking if you never see them again oh no like asking you ask all the important questions you know ask if you can disappear for two months hey while you're drunk what's making news this week Clancy well take us away please Effie Bateman yes kicking off and a local woman is now a submersible mushroom and soccer expert the Tudor Heights woman Nicola Hines has found herself becoming quite the expert on a number of niche topics over the last few months which are a result of sporadic bouts of hyper fixation on news stories that catch your interest especially if it's a little bit morbid yes Nicole reckons that this all started when she became obsessed with the Titanic submersible disaster in June stating that she quote now has a useless bank of knowledge around submersibles which includes how subs made of carbon fiber how that wasn't suitable for such depths so I think she's got it all next she'll be talking about the kursk which is a disaster that you guys obviously don't know you're looking at me like I'm speaking Italian but no the kursk was a Russian nuclear submarine that you know was using outdated technology such as peroxide powered torpedoes and one of those torpedoes caught fire and then you know the curse went down and then now it was all a bit of a kerfuffle but look that was a long time ago with a nuclear submarine yeah if it's at the depths of these obviously these submersibles that explode at one-fifth of the heat of the Sun they implode sorry and everyone gets turned into red mist if it's carrying nuclear materials and it gets that low and implodes yeah does nothing become of it no it just goes down to the floor of the sea where it just comes it's going to stay for the rest of eternity well there is a nuclear some down there it's called the USS thresher that was the first nuclear thing or it could have been the scorpion but I think the USS thresher was the first nuclear submarine that the US Navy lost in the North Atlantic so there is a nuclear submarine down there they just don't really know where it looks like an envelope pretty much yeah no this is the type of shit that Nicole Hines knows about now and of course you know mushrooms which we won't dwell on too much but they were in the news cycle and quite morbid last week if you bateman but of course nothing really tops the Tilly fever that spread right around this country we did a few stories on that yes and another Tilly story as a local woman actually enjoys watching sports now that messy buns and people being nice to each other on the field exists note we did have this written before the match between Australia and the English brutes yes despite spending many years politely smiling and nodding while her male friends family members co-workers acquaintances and various retail and hospitality employees talked at her about the ins and outs of their favorite professional sports Leanna Miller has found herself heavily invested in women's soccer because the media hype around the game and the fact that it's all female was enough for Leanna to make the switch from hate-watching and just like that whatever the fuck that is to a curious watch of the FIFA Women's World Cup Leanna said she was instantly transfixed by a glorious sea of laminated brows messy buns plaits and ponytails and the fact that the players were so nice to the Denmark players and comforted them after they lost yes it's missing that a male toxic masculinity that exists in other sports but yeah it is to see people being nice to each other on the field I know but look if you haven't been to Denmark though it's like going to a human zoo they're like Tasmanians they're just you know they're nice to look at yeah the Women's World Cup was an interesting one because I didn't think you know I heard anyone call the ref a fucking clown or ask them if their fucking eyes are painted on and calling them useless cunts no well Danes don't do that like they're they're like but they're pretty weird people at the end of the day yeah to some talk hi hi sounds like a sim that's where the Sims got their language from did the Sims speak Danish yeah I can say that we grew to that girl good egg a dugga dugga rah shoot it good what have we got up in the tourism pages if you Batman a stupid airline has made an out-of-touch ad about some weeb living in Japan flying home business for his mom's birthday like that's normal yes cuz the cost of living crisis is getting worse and ordinary people are beginning to struggle to make ends meet that prompted the nation's flag carrier to force feed us this ad about a reality that only a few people can achieve yes millions were glued to the TV around the country this week as the Matilda's took on the poms in the semi-final of the World Cup but spliced between the action was an advertisement for Qantas that showcased some hapless weeboo in Japan feeling sorry for himself because his mom is having a birthday and he can't be there so like any other young bloke fuck living overseas he just opened his laptop and books a business class fair on Qantas and sleeps all the way to his nearest capital city I haven't heard the word weeboo in a really long weaboo weaboo there's a lot around here in Betuda I'll tell you that much gushing so they call those white pigs that live in Japan not many do what a weirdo and not a very appropriate ad for most of the country but moving on yes lastly a 30 something man totally fine with listening to music he loved as a teenager until the day he dies yes a bloke who today caught some flak for listening to the same song he loved as a teenager has stated that he doesn't give two fucks what people say and that he has no plans of listening to anything new ever yes the words of Jaden Mulligan a 32 year old he admitted to the and forget that he can't remember the last time he updated his Spotify playlists and that he still finds himself getting his bangers playlist one that he created in 2008 whenever he's going for a long drive or is hitting the gym or is walking his rescue Greyhound though there have been a couple of very half-hearted attempts to broaden his horizons Jaden says he's more than happy to follow in his dad's footsteps and listen to the same bands until the day he dies his father was Bruce dies straights Fleetwood Mac Fleetwood Mac and there was one Sheila in there that he loved Stevie Nicks but for Jaden what is it Kanye West DMX Kings of Leon and Adele and Adele and Adele so you look you can you can enjoy all that that's it that's not a bad playlist you know for the death row definitely some bangers there definitely bangers with a z anyway that's all from us this week on the weekly to the bullet and thank you for joining us and go Spain wagwan |
SaturdayNightLive | podcast_set_snl | All right, all right. it's not gonna be the same working here without you, Phil. I'm gonna miss you guys. truly sucks you're getting fired just because people can't take jokes anymore. I guess I should have just deleted my old podcast the moment I got the promotion. it's just not fair. So now we can't even use the N-word to describe people anymore? guess not. Well, we all chipped in and we got you something, Phil. introducing the new Fisher Price podcast set for White Guys. now you can shout every crazy thought in your head without ruining your life. it doesn't record anything at all. Wait, I probably shouldn't podcast anymore. I promised my bitch White that. Phil, we're White Guys. we need to be able to say every dumb thing into a microphone and not get in trouble. it's just how God made us. the new Fisher Price podcast set for White Guys comes with a mic, headphones, and a sound board that doesn't record s***.
Welcome back to the Mind Dojo. I'm Phil, and we got a ton of stuff to get into today. Plus, a battery life of three hours minimum so you and your inflatable co-host can rant about everything you want, like sports. I mean, when you think about it, I'm blacker than Colin Kaepernick. that's so funny, man. Entertainment. If there was a show called Whitish, the left would lose their minds. You're so right, totally.
Sorry, Big Pharma. I'm not just gonna put some crap in my body without doing my own research first. Anyway, today's podcast is sponsored by. look, guys, I don't know what's in this stuff, but it works. if you want to get as hard as a diamond. what the hell are you doing? it's not what you think. you promised me you wouldn't podcast anymore. this is the new Fisher Price podcast set for White Guys. it doesn't record. Fisher Price? so it's a toy?
Yep, and I can say whatever I want now, and I can never get canceled, even the N-word. Why do you need to do that? Because if I don't, they win. Who's they? All of them. we can't let them beat us.
Wait, is that camera on? Yes. so you are recording this? just for my livestream. that doesn't make sense. How else am I supposed to get donations, Sharon? |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_of_the_office_romance | Jake quick. Oh Jesus total a-hole in real life. Anyhoo.
You're a bit of a Lothario No, I don't know what that means a man of sensual pleasures a man who knows what women want Oh, I'm I guess not more than anybody else perfect I know I seem like I'm above all this, but I've got a bit of a romantic pickle I've also got a problem with a girl. Did you just call your dick a romantic pickle the part that's left? Yes Anyway, it's Sera. She refuses my affections I try and I try but she won't give way It's like kind of brother dip is D in that before he burns her to death Okay, I think that's maybe why she doesn't want to go out with you what because I want to split her down the middle I mean come on man That's just human nature and that doesn't change no matter how far removed you feel from the rest of your species Oh, I see them as they walk the street to playfully and joyfully skipping along and singing while I called in alone Huddle beneath them haunting their nightmares like they haunt my dreams Okay, I think it's the dressers Sorry, what's that you said? I think she doesn't want to date you because of the whole burning to death thing Well, perhaps I could make an exception. Yes, totally daps what daps People give me daps and hugs so it must be love and I love the country grub It feel good to hear people singing welcome back and I didn't even sell in the track cuz I'm not Harlem cat Well, the names have all changed since I've been around but the game ain't the same since you left out Yeah, I remember that song yeah that jam for sure Oh Be the W. Are you dining anywhere tonight? No, well then join me for swine meat Thanks to those coffee skins down south the city sanitation department ordered me to slaughter my entire stye I mean some of these hogs weigh 20 stone Do you know how big a cleaver you need to separate a shoulder joint on a hog that big? About that big is the cleaver Yeah, actually look at that I actually plans tonight so next time I won't burn you Yeah, no, I've plans so Bye You sure Jake? Uh, she was kidding about the shirt. It's it's nothing Come on man |
dropout | escape_pod_confessions | Thrusters are dead, doomed to float around in this shitty escape pod for all eternity. That's not true, man. We got like 30 minutes of air left, so we're gonna die. Larry, before we die, there's something I have to confess.
I'm adopted? What? I don't know. That doesn't make any sense.
No, remember when the insurgents raided? You're our last hope. Countless lives are at stake. Do not let anyone through this door.
Got it? Got it!
Nobody! Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody.
Pizza! Whoo! Pizza!
Yeah, I'm just gonna get the old wallet out here. I'm gonna be able to tip you guys very well. Oh man, it feels good to get that off my chest.
Do you have anything to say? Uh, yeah. That was really incompetent. No, I mean, don't you have anything to confess? Actually, Rich, there is something I need to get off my chest. I had an inappropriate relationship with your fiance. What? Wait, what do you think of as inappropriate? Hi, I'm Delana. You must be Larry. We can't do this! That was nothing! Mine was so much worse than yours. You have to have something else. Well...
Chase, can you see my thermos? Are you sure it's down here? I just see a bunch of rats. Yeah, I'm sure. I just look a little further.
Ah, hey! There it is! Whoa! Happy thermy!
I killed him! I killed Chase!
No, no, you didn't. I didn't. You didn't.
Are you sure? Uh, I forgot how much I like bananas. Chase is fine. We saw him last week, remember? No. Yeah, you re-tired. Okay. Here's the confession.
Holy shit! That's fifteen in a row! Great work, Starman!
Uh, few things. Firstly, I never call you Starman. Second, that's not a confession. Third, what? Ah, alright. Here's something worse.
You're our last hope. Countless lives are at stake. Do not let anyone through this door. Got it? You count on me.
Good luck, Starman! Starman! What's that? That's my story! Nuh-uh! He called me Starman!
Ah, it doesn't matter. The point is, I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. Ugh, Rich. Me too.
Hey, remember we were cleaning that escape pod? Why does Trip Lord want us cleaning these things? Anyway, they're such death traps. I think they only have like thirty minutes of air.
What's this one? No, no, no! What happened? You malfunctioned! Can you believe it?
Best. Friends. Forever. Let it go! |
dropout | hardly_working_final_destination_part_2 | This is just the beginning. Death is coming for us. None of us, none of us, are safe. He's coming.
Ah! Hey guys, I'm back from the store. I got life jackets for everyone. Awesome, fuck you, Death. Good work, Kev.
Anything trying to kill you out there? Well, Big Bird tried to fly in my mouth and choke me, but I got stuck in my face mask.
Said that would come in handy. You know, Murph, I've had it up to here with your psychic bullshit. It's your fault we're in this mess. Yeah, Murph, I both hate and fear your mysterious gift.
Honestly, I'm not a big fan. Okay, whatever, I don't care that you guys don't like me. I'm not offended or my feelings aren't hurt.
I'm just trying to help! Ugh! Oh, Marnie, I got the headphones you wanted. Awesome! Guys, I'm making the most awesome survival playlist on my iPod.
Ooh, any survivor? No. I will survive? No. Theme song from CBS is Survivor.
What? No, I've never even heard of that. Yeah. This show about it. This is so tangled. I think they just got, like... Ah! Guys, another psychic thing just happened! Let me switch it around. Okay, serious one. One, two, one, two, three. Jeez. Whoa! Oh, who needs who now, huh?
Murph's a hero. Not you, not you, not you. There goes my hero.
Oh! Ah!
Wow. Okay. Um... To be fair, I did just save her. So if you think about it, we're really even Steven Seagal's. Right?
Murph, you friggin' nut job! Oh! Ah! Stupid anti-climactic basketball. I'll show you. Give me no! My umbrella! |
CrackerMilk | we_travel_the_seven_seas | I'm Tom and that's Connor and that's Elias. Hey, I'm unwell and here I am. Hey, maybe we could take you somewhere nice to get your mind off being unwell Connor.
The ocean? Yeah. We could go to the beach.
Let's go to the seven seas. The seven seas? Do you know who else is on the seven seas? Pirates? Sailors. Pirates are on the seven seas. Let's become pirates and plunder and pillage and kill and slit the throats of our enemies.
Hey guys, what's up? Hey man, what's up? Not much.
I'm just a sailor out here on the sea. Oh, it's sailor Sam. Can you take us to your ship, sailor Sam? I can take you to my ship.
Just this way, guys. What's up? I feel so unwell. Are you still sea sick? I'm so spacey. Yes. Connor, do you need to leave for a bit?
No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm first mate Black Eye Dan because of my black eyes. Oh, my wife beats me. Oh, and look, it's your wife.
No, I don't like that bit. Let's give me a different region for my name.
Hello, it's me, Black Eye Dan. Hey, Black Eye Dan. I'm called Black Eye Dan because I keep falling on my peg leg with my eyes.
Are you sure? Into your wife's fist. Are you sure? No, I'm pretty sure it's not that. Are you sure it's that?
Because I know that's what your peg leg gets in your eye when you try and do it. When did you become Irish? I don't know. It kind of just happened. I suggest you stop that. How about let's put our hands in, okay? I have a hook. Okay, put your hook in.
I'm feeling a bit better. That's good, Connor. I'm glad you're feeling better.
Well, normally I kick everyone out on the podcast because I'm the boss around here and I boss people around who do your hard work. You often kick out goob. Yeah, the really good looking one.
Are you feeling unwell? I am feeling a little unwell.
Perhaps before you get more Irish, you should fuck off. I think that is... Hey guys, it's me, Aquaman. I work part-time on the ship. Yeah. Wow. I don't want to say anything, but you sound a little sick, my friend. Are you okay? I think it's been out in the sea all the time. It's like every time I get sick, I start turning a little bit Irish as well.
Sailor Sam, you know what makes me feel better? What makes you feel better?
High-fiving with all of my friends at once. In unison. I really, really hope when you feel better that you aren't Irish. Are you going to high-five with your hook hand? Aye. We won't just yell high-five.
We'll say semen for life. All right. Sounds good to me, Aquaman. One, two, three. Semen for life. Now we set sail.
Say what you were going to say. I apologize. No, that's all right.
I was just going to say I really enjoyed getting close to you boys, and I hope we can get even closer. Me too. I'm Irish. Sailor Sam, you're still Irish, but you're feeling better.
All right, so we're setting sail. We're going to set sail to the special treasure island.
Have you heard about it? What's on the... What's the special treasure of this island? Well, not many people know...
You sound a bit sick there. I... Are you okay? I think I might have caught what you always had. Okay.
So anyway, on the special island, you want to know what treasure? What treasures on the special island? What special treasures on that special treasure island?
Tell us. RuPaul's penis. That's all I have to say. You won't know what it is until you get there. It's the 1600s and I'm in the Caribbean. What the fuck is a RuPaul?
You'll love it.
Is that like a doubloon? Unless you're worthy, you can't pick it up. Oh my.
So let's go. I just want to let you guys know before we leave.
A side effect of that sickness I had before is a bit of sleep apnea. But sleep apnea from going over a big wave. So I hope we don't go over any big waves. There's a big wave coming right now.
Are you sure? Yep. Oh, he's dead. He's done it again. At least he can get a new character.
Whenever Josh is on the podcast, he falls asleep.
We're past the big wave. You're awake. You're all good. I do.
I can hear someone calling because as Aquaman, I can hear when aquatic animals talk to me, of course. What animal will be speaking to you? Something with eight legs. It sounds a bit angry. They're not legs, they're tentacles, I think. Very fast.
Yes. Hey, hi guys. It's octopus, man. Octopus, man. I'm glad everyone could hear that. It's just not my special power, but all right. Yeah. Hey guys, how are you doing? I'm not that angry, actually. Hey, octopus, octopus, man. Yeah. What's up?
I'm feeling a bit ill. Are you okay? No. If you can just put your hands around my neck and strangle this illness out of me.
Yeah, no worries. By hands, I mean tentacles. Sure thing. Coming right up. Are you guys looking for that secret treasure on the island too? I yeah. On RuPaul Island. Oh, I can join you guys. All right. You're a whole fucking octopus and you're going to join us. Yeah, absolutely. Holy shit. All right. Just wrap your tentacles around my neck. Give me your book. Okay. There it has me a pirate. No, no, no. I just want to hold you. Oh, good. Okay.
Look, I'll put my tentacle. You're putting your tentacle in.
I have one other special ability. What is it Aquaman? Just by looking into your eyes, I can tell you're Sagittarius. That's all I wanted to do. That was my whole bit. Aquaman, my birthday is the 23rd of November. That's a Sagittarius. In the Sagittarius range. Awesome. My God, he's a superhero of the ocean. That's my ability, baby.
That in this tuck. We should go into the side boat. What do we call that? The little boat. Little boat. Okay.
Put your hands on me now. Tentacles around my neck. Are you enjoying this? Strangle me timbers.
I'm feeling better. You're looking better. I'm feeling better. Alrighty. Well, everyone's all feeling better. We got over that sickness.
So are you ready to get on this boat? Just to warn you again.
Yeah, it's me, Octopus Man. And I still have sleep apnea going over big waves. I thought you were a different character, but that's okay. All my characters have sleep apnea.
Okay. Well, it's fair enough.
Well, we're on the boat and we just all have to row, but we can sing a rowing shanty to help us get there quicker. I can't row.
And I will always tuck my cock in my ass. I'm back. I will always love.
Look, we made it there. Look at that. Thank God. You were rowing that whole time. We were there like 10 seconds ago. Alright, so we're on the island.
Hey, why is that rule? Oh shit. What is going on?
I was feeling ill and then someone took my body. All I remember was seeing Whitney Houston. I just saw black.
Are you still Irish? I think I am.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This is the worst day of my life.
Thanks so much for watching another episode of the cracker milk podcast. Hey, each of our patrons this week is a grain of sand. Hey, thanks for watching though. Thanks. Thanks for supporting us on Patreon. Thanks for... Goodbye, everyone. |
cracked | it_s_the_lil_tmz_playset | Look, Jesse James is dressed up like Hitler, again? Hey kids, do you love TMZ.com? Yeah! Do you love invading people's privacy and catching them at their lowest of lows? Then you need the little TMZ playset! The little TMZ playset comes with everything you need to catch your friends and family in the gutter!
Hey daddy! Hey dad! Open up! Hey mom's home!
Gather your friends together and start your very own TMZ press room! Okay people, what do we got? We have daddy having lunch with a friend! Wow, maybe Dommy's Splitsville. What else do we got?
Well, mom can't pay the bills, so she has grandma for money. But the kids cost him his job, you know? Nothing has been the same since that damn playset! Somebody get me the other side of that conversation. Yeah, I got mommy and daddy fighting outside.
No, I got really bad. I'm sorry, but the kids are ruining our lives. Oh, I'm so sorry.
What do you want me to do about it anyway? All right, what would you expect?
No!
Hey, first amendment dad! Let's run with those people. What am I paying you for? You can even take little TMZ on the road! The little TMZ playset. Let the lawsuit come to you.
New parents not included. I'm not doing it, do your own videos. Do you have any idea who my father is? No, screw this, screw it. I don't want these nerds subscribing to our channel.
You do it. What's that? Okay. All right, you and me, we're racing. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Farewell_Gift_A_Defensive_Local_Bloke_A_Name_Change_More_November_25 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bullet and you're joined by myself Clancy Overall and joining me two of the great thinkers and some of the more I guess should say cemented legacies in Australian media to men who I work alongside who I know you know will be remembered fondly for many many years to come after they inevitably go the same way as most journalists and develop right-wing views in their later life and and ignoring that paper bag that comes in the mail when you turn 60 you know how you need enough to poo in a bag and you are well they start yes they stopped looking after their health they they drink too much and then they eventually start saying that the nation is out of touch not them they'll be remembered for much longer than that and they are on track for that I guess that kind of trajectory because they do have volatile personal lives I guess you'd say you don't have kids Wendell but I'm hoping to they're all far off they're all does and you can see right now there's kind of some sort of what would you say early your kids he's a bad egg he's a lefty that's what he is era he comes at me with these extremely controversial really big-headed views about the world about you know how tearing down forests is bad I mean but like he still insists on writing things on with a fucking typewriter I love him but he's just a walking contradiction like every lefty in this country that he's got it all figured out at the ripe old age of 19 hasn't he he has it all but you know what you should do is you should you should take him to the pub fill him up with piss like they used to do us he doesn't drink no one in Gen Z drinks well mate you know what I'm certainly not gonna do what my dad did to me and every time I was banging on about you know a quality peace and love he take me out into the yard and flog me with a set of jumper cables that's what I was saying you should do to your boy I can't do that because it's illegal and I was raised in Hong Kong where it was legal and he's a 19 year old man it's a bit hard to yeah do you have you do you reckon he could have you he would belt the brakes off me oh my god a lefty who can fight that might be the world's first he can throw hands and he drinks lattes he told me he wants to buy Tesla you miss economy my it is the ultimate soft cockmobile is a fucking Tesla yeah he's probably shooting blanks anyway moving on on my rug I remember actually staying at your house that night when the wife kicked me out and I he was he was out of town so I stayed which one was that no wife no no so your boy would have been about 15 I'd tell you what was that Rachel or or Ming I don't know but I can't remember what time was but your kid was a teenager and he was out of town on a school camp and those sheets nearly shattered my he'd been whipping the fucking ears off it that's for sure well he's certainly not shooting blanks in mate well I don't think blank is correlated to viscosity and stickiness I don't know man I am I'm no your right there was some little socks on the floor that nearly got up and walked out anyway let's get into it we're gonna start off with a bit of a sad entertainment story here Tracy Grimshaw has received a Hoon's confiscated 1919 Pintara as a farewell present from ACA after 16 years Tracy Grimshaw is pulling up stumps at ACA final episode airs tonight yes through her tenure with ACA Grimshaw has single-handedly brought down thousands of dodgy landlords tradies workers comp con artists and jilted lovers also she's done some heavier things to people human trafficking and stuff like that terrorism dodgy moths she was in on them for a while but out of Metro love rats out of Metro a lot yes those dirty John's plenty of them but she will be remembered most fondly for her tireless work which was spent many years busting reckless Hoon's who you know disrupt the peace with their heavily modified vehicle so anyway she's been given a 32 year old Nissan Pintara TRX it's got slotted rotors on the front and back no more drum brakes for trace it's been lowered on king coil Springs it's got a sports steering wheel I believe it's a Momo one it's got dual extractors twin pipes and a sports exhaust with a pod filter there you go yeah this farewell gift was given to her by the greater ACA team it was a 1990 Pintara it was confiscated from a young Hoon that was busted by a current affair back in the early 2000s and apparently it's a very fitting gift Grimshaw was believed to have made the comment as she hung the ass out in the outer suburbs of Sydney this yesterday afternoon the streets were no longer safe because she was no longer at ACA so I guess Tracy's gonna join them there is footage as well look it up she did send it sideways when she went out of the car very very impressive she's spent enough time kind of chasing these blokes she would have definitely picked up a few tricks drifting or dragging what else is making news Wendell? well we wrote a story about a very fired up local man and the headline reads like this it's called body boarding shouts boogie boarder this did quite well online this story local man Brett Houston has once again taken the bait after copping an absolute rinsing from his mates for using a boogie board yes enjoying some recreational time on the sunny coast Brett Houston has treated a couple of mates to a few giggles on the weekend which forced him to lecture them on the correct oceancraft terminology it's called a body board you fucking idiots he said just out of earshot of the kids this of course prompted his mates to continually refer to his activity as quote boogie boarding because he was kicking up such stink about it you know it's not actually boogie boarding said the grown man who still indulges in children's activities it's called body boarding yeah it was really laboring to make that point a noted rash shirt wearer as well now we'll move on to a national story here and Australian made Prosecco is said to be renamed blackout juice after European Union winemakers have demanded change producers of Prosecco I believe it's pronounced Wendell in Europe are demanding local winemakers stop using that name as they look to impose similar quote champagne style bands on what they see as inferior products that damage the brand yes Prosecco is produced over a large area in Italy and named after the village of Prosecco which is in the province of Trieste that's more or less the reason why the EU representatives say producers in Australia need to stop using the name and start calling locally made Prosecco by its real name blackout juice or brain varnish liquid stroke and aneurysm in a bottle those are also terms that the EU winemakers are prepared to accept however one local winemaker has said the demands of rubbish Darren Rothery is the manager of Diamantina's most awarded winery pogo stick wines he says he's tried a lot of inferior Prosecco from the very region that's trying to monopolize the name yes he told our reporter that quote we have a lot of Prosecco that is produced here in Betuda it's won three gold medals at the winemaking version of the APRA Awards very good it's called Wu-Gel Aneurysm and it retails for an affordable $8.99 a bottle down at Dan's so I guess those Italians can go and get fucked then. Sounds like it. That's what Darren reckons.
Wrapping up with sports news now and a lot of attention has been focused on human rights abusers Qatar this week we wrote a story from over there and it was about a crafty Movember play enabling the soccer roos to boost their World Cup hopes with the late arrival of a star recruit who looked suspiciously like Sam Kerr. The soccer roos hopes that the 2022 FIFA World Cup have been given an added boost this morning after the late arrival of the suspicious new player. Coming up against the likes of Denmark and Tunisia in the group stage of the tournament after being bounced by the French the football roos are facing the prospect of leaving Qatar after one week of tournament football. It's believed the soccer roos have been able to parachute in a five foot six weapon who goes by the name of cam surf. That's right Australia's greatest football has rocked up a training hoping that a crafty little mustache will see her able to take the field for the soccer roos.
I sure fucking hope she can. She scores goals for fun and we need goals otherwise we're not going to have much fun and we'll be going home after a week. Yeah it'll be tough for us to win the World Cup at this tournament I think. Yeah who would have thought hey. We just need a better team that has a better coach with some better players and we might be in with a shot. Yeah we need the quality of like Barcelona players and we need to play like them and then we can win the World Cup.
Exactly it is simple. Anyway let's see what happens. They're all going to rugby league mate. That's it for the week in news I think. It is mate let's get out of here how I am. Thirsty. Herro! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bob_katter_on_the_man_or_the_myth_ | So, how's things going? It's a bit wet in the eyes, huh? Four weeks campaign. Campaigns for me are big, giant, elongated pub crawl. But, look, you're bound to be thinking for eight or nine weeks. I've got to revise my approach to this. I may not make it. I'll be an alcoholic by the time it's over.
Now, we're wondering, with all regional politicians, you know, anyone can be a red-faced rum drinker, I guess, where does the myth end and the man start with Bob Catter? You mean on drinking? On everything, you know. Do you think some of these pollies out here are regional pollies anyway, presenting themselves in a way that they're not? Well, you know, in the story that leaps to my mind, you know, I'm innocent of these things. You know, these things happen.
It's not my fault. I mean, they said, why'd you get in a brawl with this bloke? Well, I said he's half my size. That's a good reason to get in a brawl. Two, he was blind paralegal drugs. He had absolutely no hope hanging one on me. And thirdly, he was making like Tarzan swinging backwards and forwards on my tie, alternatively shouting obscenities at the barmaid and myself, which didn't leave me a lot of alternatives. You know, that's my justification. Anyway, you got a good hiding.
But the funny sequel to the story was the next morning I ran into the mayor's wife. Her name was June. And June's a pretty proper person, you know, expects proper behaviour.
And I'm looking down at the ground in my shoes, you know, the next morning. I said, oh, June, I'm terribly embarrassed. You know, I'm running around to apologise to John this morning. She said, apologise? Upon reflection, she said, I think it's probably the only decent thing you've done for us since you've been a member of parliament.
Walked off up the street. Welcome to Catalan. |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_lily_and_eddie_saturday_night_live | Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Eddie, can I, uh, can I talk with you? Yeah, I was just listening to my walkman, Lilly. Oh, that's nice. that's the problem. uh, excuse me, uh, guys, I'm in. I-i'm. excuse me, I just thought, maybe, you know, you and I could have a little chat before the show started. sure, Lily, my dressing room is your dressing room. I don't think so, but. uh, do you mind if we have a talk alone? just me and you? No problem. sorry, thanks. Out, everybody! let's go, let's move it. we have sex later. we have sex and food later, And, um, I'll talk to you later, too. All right. Now, uh, Lily, what's on your mind? does it have, like, something to do with your career? Or something like that, baby?
Well, no, I. I mean, thanks very much, Eddie, but I wanted to talk to you about your career. well, you mean, like, how I'm a tremendous star since, uh, 48 hours came out? well, not exactly. Oh, gosh. maybe you want to talk about how, uh, when you got sick, I like, single-handedly hosted the show all by myself. well, not exactly. what is it, Liv? Well, Eddie, uh, I don't know how to say this, but I think you are really on a destructive star trip.
I really do. Nah! drop dead, you bastards! now rip out your lungs! I am Gumby, dammit!
Mary, Mary, what's going on? Oh, Lily, isn't it great? Eddie's shown us how to make it big just like him. Mary, you're so funny on your own in your own special way. Oh, sure, but not like Eddie. Come here, Mary, I have to talk to you.
Eddie, check this out. how would you like to be a hoe? I'm Vevvie Jones. all you have to do is buy my book, I want to be a hoe. it's as simple as that. that's very good, Tim. I like that. Eddie? yeah. what's a hoe?
Tim, for goodness sakes, you're not even black. you can't take somebody's character and hope to become a star. it'd be like you're trying to be Ernestine or something. Think I can fit in a dress? Oh, kids, look, you're so talented in your own. hello, me and the movie. hello, Dilly-dolly. Gary Kroger, you just wash your face and comb your hair. Ote. you kids, you're so talented in your own right, you're gifted, Eddie. I mean, don't you see? I want to tell you something very personal. quick success can be like quicksand. I mean it. I've seen it happen too many times. you all shouldn't try to imitate someone else. you can't go out every week, Eddie, and say, live from New York, it's the Eddie Murphy show. I mean, this is an ensemble show. you don't need a star. don't you understand? we want camaraderie, esprit de corps. we're all just actors with a craft. we shouldn't be competitive. we should be loving and supportive of one another. in this dressing room, I really don't know what to say. I'm embarrassed for you, Eddie.
I really am. Get on with it. you're all gifted. you're talented. You're right, Dilly. I'm sorry. well, I should think so. Come on, let's go now. let's all be a great comedy collective. you'll see how much better you feel when we work. teamwork. teamwork. That's it.
I mean, the star system is dead for anybody who's talented and sensitive. Live from New York, it's the Lily Tomlin show. . |
dropout | guys_with_crappy_cars_must_have_huge_dongs | Ugh, who's this loser trying to impress? With a car that flashy, you know he's making up for shortcomings in other departments. Oh my god, girls, check it out. Is it Christmas already? Wow, this car is hideous. You know what that means, ladies. Definitely undercompensating. That car is so unimpressive, he must be packing a monster dong.
Oh, do you hear that screeching? That man doesn't need to prove anything. That noise is just a high-pitched jumbo wang around. Well, he's gonna need that screeching to block out all of my moaning.
And check out the windshield. He must have cracked it with his colossal junk. Jackpot, his glove box is broken. You can see everything inside. Maps, registration, losing lotto tickets every day. His door doesn't even open from the inside.
Good. That means I can get in, but Homeboy and that jumbo man-meets packing can't get out. Let's take a peek on the inside. Are you crazy? Trust me. I'd rather take a peek inside his old Navy cargo shorts for a gander at that gargantuan trouser snake dangling between his thighs. But this is the next best thing.
Oh, this car is dirty. So dirty. And that smell? His schlong must be downright equestrian.
The truck engine light is permanently on for no reason. So mysterious.
And the seat's covered in change. He is literally rolling around in money. Game changer, ladies. The back seat is covered with old fast food containers. He must need all that room up front for that whopping tally-wacker of his.
Excuse me. Is this really your car? Yeah. Wow. It is super shitty. Do you, uh, want to get a drink with us? Are you serious? You see what I drive, right? I'm way out of your league. Could you ladies give me a push? Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
Fitzthistlewits | civilisation_5_review | Hi guys, sorry for the lack of content this past month. I don't want to bog you down with the details, but long story short the charges were dropped, so let's get back on schedule, shall we?
Civilization 5. Well, first off they spelt civilisation wrong, so immediately I'm disappointed. They did the same thing with Dishonoured a few months back. Video games are never going to be taken seriously if developers refused to learn basic spelling and grammar. Left 4 Dead 2. What is that a fucking text message from 2003?
Pause for laughter. There's a lot of civilizations. Look at them. American civilization. American culture.
As the first king of Hawaii, you standardize the legal and taxation systems. In my first game, I decided to play as Polynesia because the leader is called Kamehameha the Great. And I thought to myself, hey, I could make a Dragon Ball Z reference, or maybe even a Chris-Chan reference here, and everyone will smile wryly and chuckle to themselves. Then give a single knowing nod as if to say, that'll do Fitz. That'll do.
But in the end I decided not to. Diplomacy in the game is very realistic. Just as in real life, people in the game seem to instantly dislike me and want nothing to do with me. Even my own workers defected to the barbarians. They're not even a real faction.
Speaking of units, they're a lot better now. There's loads of them, and there's an octagon octopus instead of a square. Good job, Sid. Not you, the other one. Although the game is turn-based, it is designed to seem as if it runs in real time. An hour spent playing will feel like thousands of years wasted in real life.
Wow, I progressed to the Bronze Age. I have surpassed the actual Polynesians, and I wasn't even paying attention. I mean, it's not that hard, guys. 88 parts copper, 12 parts tin, Jesus Christ. Maybe if you spend a little less time eating pineapples and lazily strumming miniature guitars, you'd have equaled my accomplishments.
Overall, it's alright. A bit boring, but so is this review, so who am I to judge? |
cracked | stupid_movies_that_are_secretly_genius_yboc_300_twilight_indiana_jones | Hola nerds, your results are in! Me nombre es Dr. Jordan Breeding, but my Spanish teacher called me Julio, which Senior Lin told me meant powerful, but he was obviously just picking random words as our Spanish names because Julio literally just means July. Although that is a very powerful month, but... Anyway, you're watching your Brand on Crack, the show where technically playto hablar espenol muscle manos, the only show on crack that's all style and no substance, is a damn fine day to diagnose.
Certain people have made dozens of dollars pointing out their ridiculous crap that Hollywood screenwriters pull when they don't want to put in the time or the effort to produce a credible scene, but today I'm feeling charitable and maybe a little crazy. And sometimes the most butt-stupid scenes in movie history actually make a whole lot of sense if you simply look a little closer and give them the benefit of the doubt, like a heaping portion of it.
In the third, and I'm going to go ahead and say final, Indiana Jones film The Last Crusade, Jones discovers that the Holy Grail is a real magical artifact, which presumably means the whole Bible is true too, along with the things like the concept of eternal damnation and Jesus condemning the rich and love of money more than basically any other moral issue. So anyway, before he gets to the Grail, Indy finds himself in an ancient temple facing three booby traps. You know, because Jesus was a carpenter who primarily built booby traps. And the theme of the traps is not only true Christians can pass through without being dismembered. In one section of the cave, Indy is told that only the penitent man will pass, knowing this is some sort of dope biblical riddle and that truth faith makes you better at solving riddles.
Yet the last possible second realizes he must literally kneel down before God and do a kick of somersaults? Any non-neeling heretic would have found themselves neatly decapitated, which makes sense, but then what's up with a floor blade? Why would a penitent man also need to be a skilled tumbler? Is the 11th commandment that one must become an expert in P90X to gain the stamina to get out there and make disciples of all nations? And more importantly, how the heck did Indy even know there was going to be a second blade in the first place? Interestingly, it appears he would have been just fine if he remained kneeling. The second blade would whip in front of him close enough to give his pubes a decent trim, but in theory, it wouldn't harm anything besides his dignity, so what's the point of it? I never understood it.
Well, let me put it this way. If your idea of being penitent before God looks like this... I know I've been guilty of pride and sharp dealing. You'll be fine. But if it looks like this... That blade is lopping your head off.
It's strange, but it also makes perfect sense given the title of the film and the fact that the ancient knights protecting the Holy Grail were from the First Crusade, that is, a war to retake the Holy Land from Muslims. So our crusaders were forward-thinking enough to ensure that only true Christians would get through and that intruding Muslims would be killed on the spot even if they figured out the first part of the riddle.
Classic racist night news. You're strangely dressed. Unless the whole thing was just some storyboard artist being like, I think it would be real rad if a second blade popped up here, in which case, why not add seven blades so that Indy is forced to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge his way down the tunnel. Less racist. Way more action.
Delightful though Gerard Butler's accent may be, not every movie can be Braveheart where a brogue makes sense. When one of the other films comes along, it takes damn near every molecule of Butler's well-sculpted being to refrain from ending every sentence with, YET A WEE SCUNNER! Your sails are hung and low. His Irish accent and PS I Love You was so bad, Butler actually felt compelled to apologize to the fans who stopped sobbing long enough to complain.
I just hate the idea that I'm not gonna be there to see you freak out over turning 30. I mean, it kills me not to be there.
That's funny. It's not.
Whereas Butler's co-stars in 300 all attempt a Greek accent or, you know, your standard British fantasy historical accent, Butler coats everything with a brogue thick enough to drown a handicapped Persian stripper. Most people don't know this, but the director's cut actually has some smothered that messenger and it killed. Alright, buckle up, cause I'm about to prove that Gerard Butler is the Daniel Day-Lewis of sweaty ab or visionist history films.
I drink it creatine. I drink it up!
See in the 18th century England went on something of a classical culture kick. The upper class hoagie twitties decided that ancient Greece and Rome slapped. So to capitalize on this hot new trend, British architecture and writing began to reflect this sexy ancient style.
Okay, still tracking? Don't worry, the explanation will be over quickly and I promise you'll enjoy it. This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this.
Around the same time, certain writers like Alan Ramsey used ancient parallels with the Greeks to show how rad it was to be a Scotsman. Specifically, he claimed the Doric language used by ancient Spartans was similar to the Scottish accent and that both societies held similar values in love of countryside, plain living, and the ability to slice a man's throat with machine-like precision. Naturally, most Britons read this and were like, yeah, Scotsman are stupid as hell, what? I bet you've actually, can't you, sir? Completely missing Ramsey's point. Conversely, Britons began to identify with high class Athenae and so a comparison was directly made to the peasantry and presumed lack of culture of the simpler Scotsman versus the more culturally advanced English. To this day, the Doric accent refers to both a Scottish and a Greek dialect. This is Sparta! So when Gerard Butler channeled his inner William Wallace to summon the strength of speed ramp stab 50 Persians, he was slyly referencing painful Scottish history.
Mother! Father!
In 300, Spartans are good and strong and shredded like whole wheat while the Athenians are morally corrupt and their cowardice causes the deaths of great siximen. Butler clearly saw the film as a direct parallel with how the English treated the Scottish for so many years. He was right in the wrongs of a divided nation. Gather round!
Back when the internet spent most of its time screaming about twilight instead of screaming about politics, everyone loved to rip on the movies for their overabundance of half-naked teenage wolves. And to be fair, the movies give no clear explanation for why the woods of Washington State often glisten with the smooth hairless chest of the Quileute tribe. Doesn't he own a shirt? But actually there is an in-universe justification for them nips, and it's because they're poor, you butt-face! According to the creators, when werewolves are teenagers, they're evidently way worse at controlling their erections, and also their werewolf transformations. So every time a werewolf looks at a great Pyrenees sideways, whatever clothes they're wearing gets shredded in the inevitable anamorphic process. And like my grandma always used to say, you can't rip what you don't wear! According to the filmmakers, the Quileute don't make a lot of money and they can't afford to go to Walmart five times a day to replace their constantly busting shirts. See, werewolves aren't just sexy, they're economical. And besides, they need to save every cent for those weekly trips to the waxing salon. It wasn't for your benefit, trust me. They've also claimed that werewolves have a higher-than-average body temperature, which is apparently 108.9 degrees Fahrenheit or, like, 69 degrees Kelvin. Which explains how they can handle the Pacific Northwest cold without a thick coat of hair around their areolas.
I'm done. I'm so done.
Again, this is all primarily an excuse to show off rippling muscles. I mean, give or take. I'm gonna go help that overt hand, please! But countering criticisms of gratuitous nudity with they can't afford shirts to your class as jerks is actually pretty clever for the Twilight franchise. Not clever enough to also cover why they all wear jorts, but it's a sliding scale. Oooookay, so disgust Indiana Jones finally trimmed pubis, stated my case for a Gerard Butler Academy honorary award, and came up with a plausible excuse for why I was Googling Jorts. That's everything. Anyway, be sure to see Kathy on your way out for some drugs for your loo-oo-oo-oobis. Okay, so this might sound insensitive, but you do have enough money to pay for this, right? I mean, we're not running a werewolf charity here.
Oh, god!
Hey guys, thanks for watching that video. Please subscribe. We're hoping to make a lot more of these. Hit the little bell so you get a notification. I assume you know how YouTube works, because that's where you are.
Ow. It is a damn fine day to diagnose. Certain people have made dozens of dollars pointing out their ridiculous crap that Hollywood screenwriters pull when they don't want to put in the time or the effort to produce a credible scene. But, you know, today I'm feeling charitable and maybe a little crazy. And sometimes the most butt-stupid scenes in movie history actually make a whole lot of sense if you simply look a little closer and give them the benefit of the doubt, like a heaping portion of it.
In the third, and I'm going to go ahead and say final, Indiana Jones film The Last Crusade, Jones discovers that the Holy Grail is a real magical artifact, which presumably means the whole Bible is true too, along with the things like the concept of eternal damnation and Jesus condemning the rich in love of money more than basically any other moral issue. It's time to ask yourself what you believe. So anyway, before he gets to the Grail, Indy finds himself in an ancient temple facing three booby traps. You know, because Jesus was a carpenter who primarily built booby traps. And the theme of the traps is that only true Christians can pass through without being dismembered. Jesus Christ. In one section of the cave, Indy is told that only the penitent man will pass, knowing this is some sort of dope biblical riddle and that true faith makes you better at solving riddles.
Indy, at the last possible second, realizes he must literally kneel down before God and do a kick ass somersaults? Any non-neeling heretic would have found themselves neatly decapitated, which makes sense, but then what's up with a floor blade? Why would a penitent man also need to be a skilled tumbler? Is the 11th commandment that one must become an expert in P90X to gain the stamina to get out there and make disciples of all nations? And more importantly, how the heck did Indy even know there was going to be a second blade in the first place? It's a leap of faith. Interestingly, it appears he would have been just fine if he remained kneeling. The second blade would whip in front of him close enough to give his pubes a decent trim, but in theory, it wouldn't harm anything besides his dignity.
So what's the point of it? I never understood it.
Well, let me put it this way. If your idea of being penitent before God looks like this, I know I've been guilty of pride and sharp dealing. You'll be fine. But if it looks like this, That blade is lopping your head off.
It's strange, but it also makes perfect sense given the title of the film and the fact that the ancient knights protecting the Holy Grail were from the first crusade, that is, a war to retake the Holy Land from Muslims. So our crusaders were forward thinking enough to ensure that only true Christians would get through and that intruding Muslims would be killed on the spot, even if they figured out the first part of the riddle. Classic racist knight move. You strangely dressed.
Unless the whole thing was just some storyboard artist being like, I think it would be real rad if a second blade popped up here. In which case, why not add seven blades so that Indy is forced to dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge his way down the tunnel. Less racist, way more action.
Delightful though, Gerard Butler's accent may be, not every movie can be Braveheart where a Brode makes sense. When one of the other films comes along, it takes damn near every molecule butler's well sculpted being to refrain from ending every sense with You're a wee schooner. Your sails are hung and low. His Irish accent and PS I Love You was so bad, Butler actually felt compelled to apologize to the fans who stopped sobbing long enough to complain.
I just hate the idea that I'm not going to be there to see you freak out over turning 30. I mean, it kills me not to be there.
That's funny. It's not.
Whereas Butler's co-stars in 300 all attempt a Greek accent or, you know, your standard British fantasy historical accent, Butler coats everything with a Brode thick enough to drown a handicapped Persian stripper. Most people don't know this, but the director's cut actually has some smothered that messenger and it killed. All right, buckle up because I'm about to prove that Gerard Butler's the Daniel Day Lewis of sweaty ab revisionist history films.
I drink your creatine. I drink it up.
See, in the 18th century, England went on something of a classical culture kick. The upper class hodie twitties decided that ancient Greece and Rome slapped. So to capitalize on this hot new trend, British architecture and writing began to reflect the sexy ancient style.
Okay, still tracking. Don't worry, the explanation will be over quickly and I promise you'll enjoy it. This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this.
Around the same time, certain writers like Alan Ramsey used ancient parallels with the Greeks to show how rad it was to be a Scotsman. Specifically, he claimed the Doric language used by ancient Spartans was similar to the Scottish accent and that both societies held similar values and love of countryside, plain living, and the ability to slice a man's throat with machine-like precision. Naturally, most Britons read this and were like, Yeah, Scotsman are stupid as hell.
What? I bet you're back to the concert tour. Completely missing Ramsey's point.
Conversely, Britons began to identify with high class Athenians. And so a comparison was directly made to the peasantry and presumed lack of culture of the simpler Scotsman versus the more culturally advanced English. To this day, the Doric accent refers to both a Scottish and a Greek dialect. This is Sparta! So when Gerard Butler channeled his inner William Wallace to summon the strength of speed ramp stab 50 Persians, he was slightly referencing painful Scottish history.
Mother! Father!
In 300, Spartans are good and strong and shredded like whole wheat while the Athenians are morally corrupt. And their cowardice causes the deaths of great Scotsman! Butler clearly saw the film as a direct parallel with how the English treated the Scottish for so many years. He was right in the wrongs of a divided nation.
Children! Gather out!
Back when the internet spent most of its time screaming about twilight instead of screaming about politics, everyone loved to rip on the movies for their overabundance of half-naked teenage wolves. And to be fair, the movies give no clear explanation for why the woods of Washington state often glisten with the smooth hairless chest of the Quileute tribe. Doesn't he own a shirt? But actually there is an in-universe justification for them nips and it's because they're poor you butt-face!
I'm so sorry.
According to the creators, when werewolves are teenagers, they're evidently way worse at controlling their erections and also their werewolf transformations. So every time a werewolf looks at a great Pyrenees sideways, whatever clothes they're wearing gets shredded in the inevitable anamorphic process. And like my grandma always used to say, you can't rip what you don't wear! According to the filmmakers, the Quileute don't make a lot of money and they can't afford to go to Walmart five times a day to replace their constantly busting shirts. See, werewolves aren't just sexy, they're economical. And besides, they need to save every cent for those weekly trips to the waxing salon. It wasn't for your benefit, trust me. They've also claimed that werewolves have a higher than average body temperature, which is apparently 108.9 degrees Fahrenheit or like 69 degrees Kelvin. Which explains how they can handle the Pacific Northwest cold without a thick coat of hair around their areolas.
I'm done. I'm so done.
Again, this is all primarily an excuse to show off rippling muscles. I mean, give or take. Wanna go help out over here in place?
But countering criticisms of gratuitous nudity with they can't afford shirts to your class as jerks is actually pretty clever for the Twilight franchise. Not clever enough to also cover why they all wear jorts, but it's a sliding scale. Okay, so disgust Indiana Jones finally trimmed pubis, stated my case for a Gerard Butler Academy honorary award and came up with a plausible excuse for why I was googling jorts.
That's everything. Anyway, be sure to see Kathy on your way out for some drugs for your lubeus. Okay, so this might sound insensitive. But you do have enough money to pay for this, right? I mean, we're not running a werewolf charity here. |
dropout | Emily_Axford_s_Most_Chaotic_Dimension_20_Moment_Ever | You head out of the van. Was there any business that people wanted to do before? You knew we needed to go to the police station, right? I just wanted to leave a note. Cool. I'm gonna roll a luck check in front of the board. You guys want a high number. It's an 11. Cool. School, you walk into the police station? I think I just leave a note.
I think I pretend to be a citizen, but I disguise myself as just a really nice woman. The same woman? A very old woman. Cool. So when you said just a very nice woman, you meant a very old woman?
You're gonna end his career.
I was gonna say, I found this on the front porch. The porch of the police department.
And then give them a little note. And the note is just to Commissioner Buggins. And it just says, sorry, I boarded away so abruptly.
Here's my new number. And then I get to my new number.
Wow. You see that the attendant looks at it and says, you found this note on your porch or our porch? Yours. Ours. Yours. Anyways.
No, no, you're in this now. Wait, hang on a second. I'm interested. Hold on, okay. So her number's different, but she only wanted to tell the commissioner. Are we watching this?
No, the thing has just gone off on her own to do this. Yeah, it does seem strange. Yeah, maybe whoever did it probably was having a hard day. Anyways, my dog is tied up outside.
Okay. Yeah. Well, if you did, all right.
Did you see anyone leave this at your house? No, it was at your house. And also, I'm not gonna- They left this at my house! Your police house. The police house?
Yes. You mean the precinct? Yes. Okay. I'm a very lonely woman. I got it.
Well, we should take your information down. What's your name and address?
Okay, is that Boulevard or street? We got two in Bastion City. You have two houses. Your name's Hilda Hilda, and you live at 22 Hilda Street and 22 Hilda Boulevard. Which address was the note left on?
Oh, no, yours, the police house. Okay, the police house, I forgot.
Thank you so much, great. Well, Ms. Hilda, we'll be in touch if anything else comes up, okay?
I used Prestidigitation to make a loud dog barking sound outside. Oh, sounds like a dog's- Brr! Fitting to get moving. One loud bark. Thank you so much for passing by in the middle of the night.
That dog goes on a long walk. We're pretty far from 22 Hilda Street, and we're across town from 22 Hilda Boulevard, so that's pretty wild. The size of a Clydesdale. Well, that's a big dog for sure.
Well, this all checks out. I'm gonna update Detective Decker's information right now in our police database. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. Okay, I think that was a personal note. That's only for one person to read. Oh, she left a personal note for one person on the steps of the police precinct? Well, you know what? That sounds like Detective Decker to me. Well, this all checks out, and thank you so much for being so helpful. Okay, I'm gonna leave and then come back in as Detective Decker.
What? No! What do you want? This is crazy.
Wait, where are we? We're nowhere near- We're just gonna head out.
In the van waiting for her? I'm gonna quick turn into Detective Decker and then run by the window. Just run by the window?
Okay, hold on. Hold on.
You see that the older receptionist police officer sees you run by and goes, Detective Decker! And vaults over the desk and begins to sprint down the street after you. Detective Decker! I give it for a minute. Detective Decker, wait! Wait, Detective Decker!
I get on my skateboard. Hold on one second. What? Okay. Go get on your skateboard.
I botched this. I'm gonna have to cross out Runt's buggins. That's one of my love interests. Botched this.
Well, miraculous. Incredible.
I just never know what angle you're coming from. It's like running by the window. I thought it would be like, oh, okay, give me one. This establishes that she's in town. That she's dropping notes. Yes! I get it. I see the vision.
You're gonna get this woman fired. Oh my god. You're ruining lives.
Look, I crossed out Runt's buggins, okay? You know you had to go ahead and ask her and said, can you make sure? I don't know how crossing it out is any better. |
dropout | everything_that_will_kill_you_from_a_to_z | In life, you have choices, they help you and not, and sometimes it's tricky to choose what you ought, so if you are wondering what makes you ill, it's easy to know because everything will. A is for alcohol, source of addiction, liver diseases, and other afflictions. So how about water? That might be okay, but if it's in plastic, there's B. BPA, C is for corn syrup, soda pop uses, and also for carbs found in sugary juices. D, dehydration, you still have to drink, though all these beverages seem like they stink.
Eating too little or too much to count? E is for eating imperfect amounts, and eating some things that you shouldn't consume, cause dozens of dishes, will lead to your doom. F is for fried food that's filled up with fat, gluten for G. If you buy into that, H is for hot dogs, who knows how they're made? I for insecticide, veggies are sprayed, J is for jerky, with way too much salt, and K is for kale, it's also at fault. But isn't it healthy? I'm glad that you ask, cabbage and kale make thyroids too fast. Forget about eating, I'll just go outside.
But that is for even more dangers can hide. L is for Lyme disease, carried by ticks. Malaria, M, that mosquitoes inflict. N, N-diathol-M-toluomide. It kills all the bugs, and it kills urine sides.
O is for oxygenless recreation. P for pollution in each inhalation. Q is for quicksilver. Fishing is wrecked. R, deadly radon, that's hard to detect. S is for sunscreen, but also the sun. Both give you cancer. Now isn't that fun? T for tobacco, UV for UV.
W, watching way too much TV. X, as expected, is X-ray. Y is surprisingly Yerba-made. Z is for zealotry. Any insistence that you found the key to eternal existence.
You can't avoid danger, just go on and try. No matter your actions, you're still gonna die.
You can click over here to subscribe to our channel, or click over here to watch another video. Come on, man, one click. That's all I need, just give me a click. |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_never_seen_game_of_thrones | Thank you so much for having your co-workers over for a viewing party of Game of Thrones Emily. You're welcome, Tedward. Remember, no talking during the episode because the show is kind of confusing, so... Sorry, real quick.
Who is that? That's the Hound. He's never been on the show. Yes, he has. He's Sander Clegane. That's... he's the Hound. The who? The Hound. Friendly Baratheon. No, how did... He's the Hound.
Tall guys in a bunch of episodes. I've never heard of him. Lots of scars on his face.
He worked for a Joffrey at King's Landing. Hmm? King's Landing. Where the king lives.
Oh. His home world. Close enough. What? Shh. Who is his tiny boyfriend? Yeah, it's actually Arya Stark.
Awesome. So cool. Look.
He is the king. Arya's the girl. She's the girl king. No, she is not the queen.
I've never seen that episode. There's no single episode that explains that Arya is not the queen.
She was green eggs in the books. What? And her friend was Ham? That's the wrong book.
Shh. Edward, I'm gonna be quiet now and watch my favorite show. Tedward, stop thinking so much. Stop it. Tedward! I'm sorry, everyone.
Game of Thrones is a very confusing show. I just have one more question. Fine. What is it? How is there a story going on inside a box? Are you talking about the television? 11 of them? Television. Smell a question. TV! Oh, TV. I prefer the book.
That's hop-hop-hop. I don't have to look. I know, just pull that hop-hop-hop.
Ned Stark is dead.
If you liked that video, click me to subscribe. Would you subscribe in a house? Would you subscribe with a mouse? Would you subscribe here or there? You can subscribe to our videos anywhere, but on YouTube. If you did it on another site, it wouldn't work. |
dropout | trump_cannot_be_destroyed | Ugh, gross. Did you see what Trump did today? Ha, nice one Katie. Nice what? Nice joke. Trump died last week.
What? No, he didn't. See, here's a video from this afternoon. What?
No.
No, I saw the headline. I saw it. Look, see?
Not only did he die, he was destroyed. Destroyed, Katie.
How is this possible? How is that? It goes much deeper than that. Come with me. I first suspected something was amiss shortly after Trump announced his candidacy. He was immediately torn apart. It didn't stop there.
Stronger than before. What does it mean? It can only mean one thing.
He's a Trump-ire. A Trump-ire?
But that means he can't be harmed by Zingers. Or cut by retorts. Nor roasted, slammed, or wrecked in any other manner. That's right. Then there's no hope.
Why do I even bother writing those essays on Medium? You know, is it just because I like what I have to say and I think it's important and good and I want other people to see how smart I am? Or just like hearing the sound of my voice? Like different sounds when it comes out of my mouth and into other people's ears?
Yes. Is that why? Yes. He's immune to every mic and medium post, so you can just go ahead and stop that now. So you're saying Pokemon Go to the polls did nothing? No. Yes. But do not despair, for I have forged a weapon. Legend tells of an ancient magic, one that will let us control the Trump-ire. Compel him to do our bidding. But I need your help. It's a change.org petition. Yes. Right. Because it doesn't do anything. Are you serious? I thought this was going to be something cool. Like gloves?
Can I talk? Fine. Go. Fine.
We get thousands of people to sign. It may be millions.
Then what? What are you talking about? They're not going to do anything. But then he will have to answer. That is the way those petitions work. They don't have to do anything. But they have to respond. That's a start. Fine. They'll be like, no. No, but maybe... Well, like Norris.
Name a single change.org petition that did anything. I can't name it, but like it wouldn't be a thing if... It does nothing.
Are you crying? No. Never mind. Sorry.
Cool stuff though. This is a very cool room. Why do we have this room anyway? |
dropout | philosophical_bouncer | Oh, look at you guys. Looking good. Have a good night, ladies. Hey. ID? Oh, yeah, sure. Busy night. Yup.
What's your birthday? December 26, 1984. What'd you sign? Capricorn. Address? 211 East 14th Street. Department number? 11A?
What kind of shirt you wearing in this picture? It's... Plaid shirt? Plaid? What kind of face you're making in this picture?
Your ID is coded in a polycarbonate and what substance to prevent tampering? Plastic?
Why are you here? Oh, you know, just to dance a little bit, drink. No, I mean, what purpose are you on this earth for? Why are you? To have children and continue the human race?
If God is good, why does evil exist? I'm sorry? War, famine, pestilence. If God is all-loving, why does he allow such wickedness to exist? I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable with...
Hey, Tina! Tina!
We'll do you two. I haven't seen you in a minute. How you doing? Don't break too many hearts tonight, huh?
Um, so that we can grow as humans. Can I please go inside now? What fulfillment can you possibly get from the music and alcohol inside that is missing from your everyday life? Oh, my God. I'm wasting my life going to these stupid clubs. Are you simply living life in the moment? You know, what joy can one derive if one does not seek it out? You know, some may call it hedonism. I call it capetit.
You're right. Thank you. Whoa. Hey. You got any ladies? No.
Saw a man all full. Rocko, Betty. Good to see you two back together. Good to see you. |
Wizards_with_Guns | youth_pastors_try_sin_g_is_for_jesus_3_teen_edition | Like his hands, I too shall be pierced. Take a good hard look, kids. This is what it feels like to be touched by the Lord. Hey, cool kids. Reverend Ruby and I will be filling in for tonight's youth service since Pastor Robbie unfortunately passed away this weekend. Yes, the Lord took his soul from this earth, much like that big clock took his head from his body. Who wants to play a game? All you kids think church is so lame.
We're so uptight. Not our church. Newsflash, we're pretty cool. We're cool with anything.
Yeah, you can cuss if you want. I would give a heck if you say crud. Shoot, you could say darn.
Yeah, even. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's in the Bible. Oh, this is Huck Finn. I fucked up. Now, I was playing Mario the other day on my Playboy, and I had to wonder, what does God think of Mario's intimate relations with Luigi? Uh, aren't they brothers? Disgusting. Let me try to put this in terms you teens will understand. Rap. You know, I was once your age. When I was a kid, I did drugs. Oh, my. I stole. Good Lord.
Had sex. Huh? I had so much sex. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't get laid. And then you found Jesus? What? No, but I thought... I was just cool as heck.
You kids love Pokemon? I love Pokemon. I'll tell you my favorite Pokemans.
Word. Word to your mother. Word to the Father. Let's pray.
Okay, we're taking questions. Any of you kids got any questions? What a dumb question, Tiffany.
Everybody knows only people go to heaven. You're never going to see sprinkles again.
Now, you're right. Now, your relationship with God is a lot like a yo-yo. It's got its ups and downs. Yeah. Sometimes you're down, and sometimes you're up. He's always going to... Sometimes, and he picks you back up. It takes a lot of practice. And if you're a missionary, it might just take you around the world. Melanie!
Y'all gotta relax. We're cool. We're chill. God's chill. Matter of fact, God is so chill, he made weed.
That's right. What? Y'all never heard of the burning bush? More like the burning cuz.
Hey, everybody. It's Pastor Titus Diamondhook reminding you to subscribe and share this video like it's gospel. If you don't, that's fine. Have a blessed day. And the rest of you, I'll see you in heaven.
Oh, shit. My sauce and hat. I don't know how I'm going to be saucin'. There is nothing in the Bible about sucking toes. |
dropout | Networking_Doesn_t_Work_for_EVERY_Job | I wanted to be a pilot since I was a little kid, so... I just decided last week. My name is Captain Willerson. Not dude, not bro, not teach, but Captain Willerson. And I am here to teach you all how to be pilots. Now, who here read the manual?
Wonderful. Forget about it.
Because being a successful pilot is not about what you know, it's about who you know. I'm sorry, we do need to know how to fly though, right? Yeah, but in order to be successful, you gotta hustle, alright? You gotta network.
I don't think the FAA says anything about hustling or mingling.
When I was your age, I found myself in the co-pilot's seat next to Carl Reinsdorf. Now, halfway through that flight, he got a heart attack, and guess who landed the plane? A passenger.
Anybody else? You. Nobody has any guesses at all? Someone on Reddit. You're the co-pilot, right? So probably you. No ideas. You were the co-pilot, so you. What do you think of it? We're saying you. Are you hearing that we're saying you? You're all wrong. It was me.
Oh, wow. But you knew how to fly. Yeah, I knew how to fly a plane, but the most important part is that I was there. Oh, I actually had a question about that. Yes.
So at the altitude that the plane starts falling, how do you ensure that the engines have enough thrust?
Show up. What? Show up. Show up to the plane. Show up everywhere.
You wanna be the pilot who's at the airport all the time. That way, if somebody gets sick, who are they gonna look to? The person at the airport. Huh? The pilot that was assigned as alternate. They're only gonna have one person to look to, who's it gonna be? You. Which person? You're saying the answer and you're not listening to us. Someone at the airport. Just... A flight attendant who's paying attention.
You. It'll be you.
Alright, look, we're just here to learn the rules of flying. Rules were meant to be broken. Well, wouldn't that mean crashing?
You're afraid of rejection. Yes, you are. You're afraid. Look at you. Say it. You fear rejection. Say it. I fear rejection.
You didn't have to say that. I mean, just look at Sully.
He crashed and now he's the most famous pilot in the world.
I thought we were here to avoid situations like that. Wrong. You're here to learn how to be great. And greatness is about embracing failure. Make mistakes, people. Yeah, but that's putting hundreds of people at risk.
Use those erasers. That's why you have an eraser. That's a pen. That's why you have an eraser.
Here's an assignment. I want you all to go out this week and fail on purpose. You want us to crash a plane on purpose. Once you crash once, you'll find out that it's not that bad and you won't be afraid of it anymore.
Huh? Scaredy Cat? Now, how many Instagram followers do you have? What? I don't... Come on. I'm in... Three. What? My mom, my dog, and my wife. What does that have to do with anything? Well, you can't... How are you gonna...
I mean, nowadays, you need a following if you want to book any flights, son. I think you're confusing this with something else. You know what? I like the cut of your jib. You should move to Los Angeles. Because I'm gonna tell you what.
I don't care how good of a pilot you are, you're not gonna get discovered in Louisville.
Wait a minute. You're the guy from the commercials, the P&M commercials. Right?
Oh, my God!
Now I like them. That's awesome.
We have to take a photo. Can I take a photo?
Yes. Willers! Hey, it's Raphael.
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dropout | irl_files_scare_tactics | It was 1am on Thursday night. I was trying to sleep when I got a text from my friend Charlie. Wanna break into dams, my cousin, and scare him? We've spent years scaring dams. He's this puny kid who's very excitable and his reactions are always priceless. Even though I had to be up early the next morning, I immediately was up for the challenge.
So I head to Charlie's. When I get there, I quickly realize he means business. He's standing out front holding two paintball guns. So we suit up. Black hoodies, camo pants, and paintball masks. We head out at 2am.
We park down the street, sneak through some neighbor's yard to get to Dan's house. This took much longer than expected because it's not as easy to hop fences as you see in the movies. I struggled over three fences and Charlie cut his leg badly on some lawn ornament. But we fought on.
We very slowly and quietly approach the bedroom window and say, we're going to get you. We start firing the guns in Dan's room. But soon realize we don't hear a peep. Now we're the ones getting freaked out.
Suddenly, Dan comes flying around the corner screaming his head off holding his weapon of choice. A glass! He proceeds to throw the glass at my face, tackles me onto the grass and starts beating the crap out of me. After a few solid punches and getting cut with the glass, Charlie managed to get Dan off and calm him down. Regardless of being beaten up, I laughed my ass off.
Charlie and I left right after, leaving Dan alone and freaked out. He never admitted it to us, but we found out from our friends he got steel bars to put on his window for the remainder of college. This happened when we were 18. We're 23 now and he still can't stay home alone because of it. |
dropout | new_emojis_drawfee_show | Welcome to Drawfee Show, where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. That's right. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Today, we are drawing new emojis.
There aren't enough. There never are enough. My hunger is insatiable.
So suggested by Dustin Thurston. Dustin, oh man. The Dusty Thurstman himself? The Dusty Thurstman.
Oh man. You know what? You wouldn't think you want to have like, that's a bad combination. Yeah. That's a great name.
Dustin Thurston. Yeah. Dusty Thurston. Dusty Thurstman and his brother.
He could be an emoji. Yeah. Oasis satiated. His brother. He has a different last name. Sure. You know. They're like rivals. Adopted brothers. Yeah.
So I'm drawing, this is a new emoji called, I think the basic name for it would be Stop Texting Me. Okay. And essentially, it's just kind of like, you know, an emoji for like, when you're just not having it, when you're like super not having it.
Get them in. Yeah. I just, you know, you know, that feel, they, they did a study. It's like, you're, you're a. What's the dopamine? Yeah. Dopamine levels skyrocket. Yeah.
When your phone buzzes. It's true. It's just like, I'm not alone. I've been remembered. People, my friends. People are aware.
Oh, it's a, it's a weather alert, but still. Oh, Amber alert. Hmm. Well, at least people miss me too. Would people Amber alert me if I got abducted?
I hope so. Like, is, is there like a certain age where it's no longer an abduction? That's a great question. Where it becomes just like, you're just like, it's not a kidnapping anymore. It's like, what happened? Wait. Where it's just people like, it's just like, he's an adult. I get, he'll figure it out.
Yeah. He's probably just like, he's probably just out. Yeah. He's just like, oh, he's just on vacation. Yeah.
It's just like, uh, it just hasn't called into the office. Is this a personal day or is this a sick day?
I think it's like a very, yeah. Cause I feel like there are similar faces, but this one, this one you're, you're really, you're busting out of the circle. Yeah. You've got, you've got some real, that's like a full on, full on banana, banana in the mouth. Yeah. That's classic.
Hey, is that a banana in your mouth or are you just super depressed as the popular expression goes? Are you just super done? You just super done with it. Like, can you not today, uh, yeah, again, and it's not just for like, it's kind of like a situation, an emoji for when you, uh, you just like, you don't have the energy or the wherewithal to text the person back, or you're just like, you're just not having it that day. You just super can't.
It's just like, you know, you haven't had this more of like a, just a, just a straight Ridge. Yeah. Like that. Yeah. Your, your brow is so furrowed that your, your, your eyebrows have congealed full furrow. Yeah. Maximum furrow, maximum furrow, your furrow levels are through the roof, Ross furrow. Ooh.
Nice. A rich brow. Nice 90s. Thank you.
Presidential election.
Pull. If I could take it all back, I'd do it again. Oh, Dana Carvey. Those impressions. Oh, how we miss them. Bring them back. Bring back the Ross Perot impressions, Dana. Come on.
That's what we want. That's what the people want. That's what we need.
He had to do, he had to do the Ross Perot and the George Senior. That's a mark of true talent.
I'm, I'm kind of like making it like, he's got like a banana and then also a couple of grapes in his mouth. He's just, his mouth is just, he has just got a full plate of grumps lined up. He just, he took that fruit bowl and was just like in it, in, housed it. He, he tried to bury his emotions with fruit.
Oh, let's get him like, yeah. So like, what, what's the con, so like, what's the text conversation that you'd be having? I think it's like, when you use, it's like, it's like, Hey dude, uh, sorry, sorry to text you about this, but like, would you mind doing the dishes? Yeah. Or like, Hey, um, can you help me move something like that? Or it's like a bunch of us are going out to get drinks or like, you know, we're going to, Hey, do you want to come hang out and have a good time? Yeah.
I miss you, man. It's been a while. It's been a while since we've, since we've hung out.
Is everything okay? We've all got tickets. Can you just say, just say this. Perfect. We've all got tickets to Avicii. Do you want to come to Avicii with us? That's the secondary, the secondary name for this is the Avicii response. Yeah.
We're hitting up the, the Charlie X, XCX or we're hitting up that Charlie would that, what would that be XCX would be like, uh, 300 something. I don't know what that would actually be, but that, you know, lost me that, you know, the musician, Charlie XCX, you don't know the musician, Charlie XCX, like it, it sounds like it could just as he, we're hitting up that imagine dragons concert. We're hitting up the imagine, imagine dragos and you should come and then you XC what's their song?
What's the song? How's it go? I don't know. I just like hear this stuff on Spotify. I don't actually know this stuff. I'm just the ones who's like, Hey, how's it going? Uh, I know you were listening to other music.
Yeah. Well, it's a lady. Maybe you, maybe you like this crap. That's my lady voice. Yeah.
Guys, our office is just crashing down around us. I'm very sorry. Everyone's leaving.
People are picking up things. People are putting down things. People are picking up what we're putting down.
I think so. Let me just get a little bit out of there. Yeah. You got to get that sheen. I'm going to, I'm sorry. I'm taking a little too much time on this one, but, uh, I, I feel it. Hey, I feel apologize at the end. That's true. I'm taking way too long on this. Um, but I think that's okay. I like what just, you know, you get, I like what I'm resulting with here.
You know, it's sometimes, sometimes you take, you take a little longer. Sometimes it takes a little while to make something worthwhile.
You're really. That's what dead people have said. You're really showing.
Didn't help them.
I feel like, I feel like you're really showing us a window into your soul. It's true. Into how you feel most days, because like you're a pretty positive person in, in most scenarios. Are you saying that this is like my, my inner, this is my persona right here. I have to imagine that like you, you've got so much inner turmoil going on. That's what's going on in my brain. Bucket is what you're saying. Like sometimes I'll just look over at your desk and you'll just, you'll just let out a deep sigh and I'll be like, I wonder what, I wonder what Caldwell's thinking about today.
Just think about how things could be better in every conceivable way. Anyway, welcome to the fun show we do.
You should draw some things now. What are you going to draw?
There's my, there's my super cool emoji. Okay. So yours is like, um, yours is like a very useful one. Like I feel like it's a very personal one. Yeah. And the other thing about emojis is like the ones that don't have any semblance of a reason to exist. I don't know if you guys could hear it, but someone's like hacking up a lung in our office. It's okay.
This is an office. This is a working office.
I thought it was funny. This is like on the news when you see like people in the background, like walking around and holding papers. Yeah. And you think like, are they just paying that guy to walk around in papers or not?
That's his job. It's not a good job. He doesn't do anything.
He's not going to like, you know, he's, he's no, uh, Walter Cronkoe, but like he's, he's doing this. Walter, Walter Cronkoe. Walter Cronkoe.
Best damn journalist I ever heard of. Ask anyone.
He had that. If he's the best journalist I ever heard of. He had that mustache. Um, he had a sign off. People liked him for some reason. Uh, I guess he read the news really well. Why didn't he, why does anybody have any opinion about it?
Uh, like a rate of television journalists. I don't understand that. I feel like there's like, cause like it's, it's one of those things. It's the same reason why people have opinion about like what color addresses, you know, it's like, it's a thing.
God damn it. You promised. You promised you would bring this up.
I didn't. It just came about naturally. I said, yeah, let's not do that. I don't want to make the show like just this jasm of, just date it, date this show.
We're drawing emojis. That's true. This is, this is super. Nathan, emojis are forever. What do you draw?
I don't know if you guys can tell just from the legs, but I think the little little dancing girls is the most, is the silliest emoji because it doesn't have any meaning. It's two dancing girls.
What does that mean? Why? Why is that?
What emotion is that expressing? I feel like the- Who knows?
But it's fun. Well, I guess like if you- So I want to expand on that. Because like you were texting your boy, you're texting your boy Damon like, hey Damon, what do you want to do for Halloween this year? And Damon's like, you know, costume dance party or like, you know, haunted ballet recital would probably be, they would probably be a good use for that. Or like- Oh yeah, cause they- If Damon was like- If you're like, should I wear some tic tacs in my hair? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cause they got them tic tacs in their hair. They do have your tic tacs ears. They got tic tacs bunny, bunny hair ears.
If Damon was like, if you were like, yo, this year let's do a haunted ballet recital theme for our party, Damon could respond with this emoji and you'd be like, okay, Damon's on point. Damon's ready to go on this. Like, I don't have to worry about Damon. He's locked in.
My other friends. And then like, if you texted that and then your other friend, like Trisha, who's like having a rough year, she might respond with the other emoji. She might respond with a not happening emoji. You could have a whole conversation with just the two emojis. These two emojis, these are the only emojis you'll need.
So I'm going to give, uh, but I, I want- If you're drawing a llama, I'm going to strangle you.
No, man.
This is, uh, this is, this is a horse. Okay. It does look like a llama kind of. I think that a horse is really- It's a horse costume.
It's the two, it's, it's, it's basically, it's building the universe because I think a thing that we're missing from emojis is a good sort of like- Oh, backstory. Continuity to it. Yeah, canon. Yeah.
This is those two dancing girls, but they're doing a joint Halloween costume and they're going as like- The worst horse. The goofy horse.
Yeah. You can't convince me this isn't a llama. No, here. It's got a- Oh, it's got a mane. All right. Oh, what would I see? Pardon me, sir. Yeah. Oh. For my rude remark. And here we'll just like add the zipper going down right here. I like that this is, I'm, I'm worried about them now that like someone's going to mistake them for a pinata. And then, you know, it's got the tail. This emoji takes up like two rows. Yeah. These are, these are like, that's the thing.
Emojis need to get bigger. And this is- I think they're too small currently.
I, I challenge you to just, yeah, I agree with you on that. I challenge you to use this emoji to display emotions for an entire week. Where it's just like, hey, Nathan, how you doing today?
What does he say? Hey Todd, I ate all your ground beef. Hey Todd, I'm going to be late on the rent this month. Oh, well I was, I was going to get mad at him, but then he responded with that tasteful dancing horse.
So tasteful. Just the tasteful-est. Hey. Live your, live your life to the tasteful-est.
That's a, if that's not a fast food slogan, it should be. Send your check directly to my house.
Directly to Nathan Enterprises, uh, Nathan Avenue, New York. Nathan Enterprises, Nathan Avenue.
That's not a real place. Don't look it up.
Hey Calvin, I heard about your grandmother. So sorry about that.
If you need anything, and I mean anything, please let me know. Dancing horse emoji. It works for anything.
It's like, hey, hey, uh, hey, how's, uh, how's surgery? Uh, ooh, don't want to talk about it. I'm giving you the, uh, please don't text me emoji. And then you're like, oh, so sorry to hear that.
Dancing horse. Dancing.
It's, it's really, it's a perfect, it's a perfect emoji. It can be used for any situation, which is like detail that we're providing. Well, you colored yours. It's true. I did.
I'm sorry. We're going to waste everyone's time.
Do we have one more that we wanted to do while we're, while we're here, while we're talking? While we're here. While we have their rep.
Yeah. If you made it this far in the video, maybe you're, you're probably not watching. If you're probably, you're probably just like, what is the sound on my computer coming from? Oh, there's a tick deck here. I love it. Yeah. You're like, dang. I got too many tabs open.
Who are these boys yammering at my screen? Who are these yammer boys?
They're talking about horses for goddamn an hour and a half. Uh, I got one more that I want to draw.
Okay. And then I think we'll be, we'll done. Great.
Hey. Hey, mister.
I'm going to have to shrink this a little bit. Oh no. Hold on one sec. Hold on. What were you going to say?
I was going to say, hey, hey mister, you got, you got the, those hot, those hot and fresh emojis. Those fresh emojis. You got those 2015 emojis. Those hot and fresh ready, ready to emojis. I just want to consume those emojis.
Uh-huh. I mean, it's some swisher sweets. Can we get, can I just fill that, fill that cherry, nope. So here we go. So what? You just, you lost it. That's all right.
Cause I'm picking it up. I'm running with a ball straight to comedy touchdown.
I'm drawing, um, so my favorite, one of my other favorite emojis is the, uh, the weird moon. That's making that creepy smile.
Yeah. You guys know it's like, it's very, it's kind of, it's trubic, but it's also, it's, uh, it's like, it's like he's saying like, Oh, wouldn't you like to know? He's more like, hi, I'm here. It's me. What's going on guys? Okay.
You need the moon. It's like, Oh, did someone fart? It wasn't I, I'm just the moon. I just woke up. It wouldn't, it couldn't have been me. I would, where would I even expel gas from?
I have no, but I'm just an orb. I'm an orb with a face. I'm just your, I'm just an orb that everyone likes just a face orb.
So anyway, I figure like the thing about that moon is he's cool, but he's not sexy enough. He's not like DTF. So like, I want a moon that's essentially like a, like a hookup moon that you can use when you're like, you stare up at the moon and you're just like, yeah, I do see the moon.
I see those craters and I'm like, Oh man, I want to explore those. That's just those lunar crevasses. They could be mine. Those nooks, those crannies.
Is there water on there? I won't find out.
So anyway, this is, um, I got to make this face like way smaller. So this is like stupid, creepy.
So I'm drawing the, this is the moon that you can use when you like basically are texting your, your, you're, you're on the, you're on the app. You're on the, you're on the tend, you're on the, you're on the grind. You're on the hinge. Yeah. You're, you're on the hind. You're getting, yeah, whatever, whatever app you use to facilitate, uh, you know, carnal relations.
You can draw the moon with like a big chin. It's like, no matter what, I'm going to make it even smaller, smaller, make the face inside the heads. Oh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's what's his face from a sixth sense.
Bruce Willis. Yeah. Tiny face Willis. No, I was talking about, uh, Haley Joe. Oh yeah. That's better. You're right.
He does have a very tiny face on a very big body. His face stayed the same size, but his head got big.
That's such a cruel but accurate thing to say. I'm sure he's a lovely person.
Yeah. But yeah. Let's get a little, just a little bit of a, there we go. Oh yeah.
That's like, he's about to chow down on some pizza. Uh-huh. It's like, Caldwell, you, you said you were going to make the moon sexy. You made him look hungry. Uh, he looks hungry for sexual pizza actually, which is the terrible, terrible name I have for genitalia. Sexual pizza.
I have to. Want to get me a slice. I have to go. You have to go. I have to go.
God damn it, Johnson, I knew I hired you for a reason. Alert the president. Sir, he already knows.
He came up with it. So Obamacare and this, his lasting legacy, Obamacare was just like, that was just the beginning. It was a precursor.
Let me get, let me get a slice of that sexy pizza. That sexual pizza, please, my girl, anyway, the sexy pizza president. I can't believe he was the first, the first sexual pizza president, the first president to coin a term for genitalia.
What a man. What a legend.
He would have thought it would have been Clinton. You did, but like he didn't, you know, he was, he missed out.
Well, there's too much, like too much scandal early on. This is like Obama's again, the, he's in the prime of his, uh, his run. Like now he can just kind of do whatever he wants and what he wants to do is come up with a crude, you know, crude language to describe, uh, you know, people's bodies. Just like meeting with Putin.
Yeah. Like, I, um, don't approve of the way you've acted in Europe, perhaps you, uh, might change your tune. You start calling your genitals, sexual pizza, sexual pizza. Is it, is there, um, is there, is it gender based though, or is it like, is it, is it like, oh, it's gender, it's, it's like no gender, it's gender free. I think pizza is one of those, one of those great equalizers that spans, spans genders, creeds, I love that so much. Yeah.
Like anyone, everyone's got sexual pizza. Everybody's got sexual pizza. Doesn't matter what you like. You like pepperoni? You can get whatever topping you want on that sexual pizza, because everyone's into their own stuff. You know, some people like pineapple on their sexual pizza.
I think that's weird. That's weird and gross and against my religion, but whatever, it's up to you. This has gone on for way too long.
Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm just, I fell in love with the moon. Yeah. All of these. Yeah.
Hold on. Let's, let's show how big these would all appear on the phone. Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to like skip these all right here so that I can kind of manipulate them easily. All right. What'd you want to do? I wanted to just, so like this is how it'll look on your phone.
Pretty good. Yep. Pretty good. Yeah. I was like, you get it. So yeah.
We usually don't do this, but challenge for this episode, please use all of these in one sentence in a text. And if it, if it leads to a romantic encounter, let us know. Guys, this has been the Drawfee Show. We have our own channel, youtube.com, backslashdrawfee. Check us out over there. Thanks for watching. Leave suggestions for what you want us to draw. Absolutely do that, because otherwise we'll just draw more emojis. Thanks for watching, guys.
We're very, very sorry.
Hey, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
Thank you guys for watching our video. If you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel, please click here. And if you want to watch more videos on this channel, you can click right here. And if you want to stop this whole miserable charade, just click that little X in the corner. Thanks for watching.
We're sorry. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_184_HG_Nelson | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show recording as always down here live in the old city district, downtown Petuta. You're joined by myself Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker editor at large how are you Errol? I'm fine mate, I'm fine, I'm fine. Look mate just looking forward to getting out there in the Diamantina sunshine this weekend. Looking forward to getting the boat out on Lake Petuta you know it's good to hear that the Victorians are getting their freedom back, they're joining us in the developed world and yeah look you know I think we've beaten this thing. Yeah Melbourne's fallen, Taliban Dan has fallen. That was one we should have put in our new book book instead of dictator Dan's tired now Taliban Dan was pretty good but yeah then again none of that's relevant anymore because they're opening up. And I guess that'll be the end of it for lockdowns in Australia. Things are going back to normal nature is healing and with that you get to remember how good things were and how we managed to have a bit of fun throughout all that lockdown and today's guest is an Australian treasure and he's going to be able to relay you know the year that was and life before and after this pandemic through the vehicle of sport particularly and this is what you've kind of come into our world with H.G. Nelson you came into the world as a force to be reckoned with in the world of sports commentary and analysis and things are better than ever even in a pandemic. Well certainly are and thanks very much Petuta people I've only been here a couple of hours but they welcome me with open arms I've got a pig shoot organised for later and then certainly back as long as I get out into Lake Petuta before the sun sets it'll be a dream come true but can I just stay right from the top I'm super excited about being here I know this is an old cliche that everybody who comes onto a podcast says but believe me you it's true it's true others you know I know you've had Kylie Minogue on I know you've had people like Nicole on and so on they say it they don't mean it that's just can't from them that's just right that's just what they say but with me it's true I'm super excited about being here. Coming to the issue though I thought that I had a lot of time on my hands I wasn't alone in the pandemic times and so I thought I'd put it to good use and try and construct a book about the pandemic and as you point out the analysis that went on in sport and the pandemic sadly slipped away from me as I got into the first thousand pages and then I realised that what I was really writing was an imagined history of Australian sport but then I thought I've got a lure in people you know pundits, critics, ABC types with a bit of history so I put real and imagined in there and so that's what I've come up with but can I point out that the pandemic was a fairy tale time for sport it takes us back to a year or 18 months ago there was no sport Roy and I had a field day because we could talk about sport until we cows come home and not bothered by the scores not bothered by the facts and we had a really good red hot go we worked out that Roy developed his own method of hand sanitising to involve the whole persona and this was meant that as people came into a sporting venue they disrobed slipped into a bath of sanitiser underneath completely and then came out we hosed them off and put them back in their clothes and they could resume their normal activities at a sporting venue but having said that what what struck me was the number of fairy tales there absolutely there was and I point out to start with the fairy tale that didn't quite happen but I was rooting for it was the quiet man of rugby league before he gets the job in the Batuta area with the dolphins and Reynolds leaving with a grand final cup that they could break as the Penrith Panthers did would have been one of the great fairy tales and and also would have been and also Benji of course I'm sorry Benji yes yes but then at that point can I say the Benji fairy tale looked as though it might have had another chapter in it at that point I don't know that he declared before he stepped out that's yeah I think that's Wayne Wayne I feel like he hadn't declared a bit like Cameron Smith last year I feel like they don't declare it because then it's all about them all eyes are on them for their last match if they don't declare it but looking at Benji he could go around again I know I'm sure somebody will pick him up yeah I suspect you know this dolphin side we'll be looking for somebody who can steer them well it's north Brisbane to west Batuta area it's a kind of large catchment the old dolphins we um we're casting a wide net at the moment it just looks like a cartoon cartoon in the competition there's no locality assigned to it the difficulty was we were very hot for obviously the rural and regional lands acts to take that slot and very rural and regional lands acts would have been a hell of a team it would have been certainly grunt and poke up front where you need it they would have been and when it came to spreading it wide those boys would have been fantastic and they had a whole thing to do with the way they dressed and looked the way they approached that thing you know I wouldn't come through or run through obviously but slouch hats and everything like that put on the side numbers everything khaki obviously giant foam digger mascot on the uh on the sideline that's right on a bushmaster now as you said a lot of fairy tales from the very start of the rugby league uh 2020 season when we had saint peter volandes come in like he did with the with the template that he provided the world project apollo project apollo you know found himself the cleanest and most handsome man in rugby league to become the face of that in the shape of wayne pierce yes i'd forgotten pierce's involvement yeah absolutely right he was the front front and center and it would have been a tough job would have been a tough job trying to find someone who was that you know had that kind of brand an ex-player that could have been you know uh instill a bit of trust and uh faith in the people in the middle of a pandemic there's not many left in rugby league is there can i point out that the great wheeze that uh peter volandes came up with was the idea that if one expert says no there are a lot of other experts around the place will say yes and he got unlucky with his first pick and the expert that he spoke to name escaped in the annals of history obviously said no you can't do this but then he quickly realized that freddy would say yes and so off they went yeah um i uh i love the whole branding project apollo i'd all forgotten all about taking it to the moon i had to go through the uh wikipedia about moon shots and come up with project apollo and then the whole imagery of the rocket blasting off and a whole new era and it had the tween of old but somehow in volandus's mind just yesterday yeah that was the start of it and uh like the other codes followed um it was very weird to watch new zealand play their own little comps with the rugby union like the super rugby got split into two and it was very funny to watch full stadiums at rugby union matches for one um you know between the blues or from blues fuckertane west versus auckland blues well that was the one i wanted to see yeah but then we just kept getting fairy tale up to fairy tale a lot of them came through in the olympics most recent fairy tale that i think won't be remembered as such was those blokes that the demons fans who got into perth and got got into the change rooms yeah it's almost like the reverse andy defran they have escaped this prison that is victoria melbourne etc gone to the big dance and then have ended up back in prison again they got 11 months yeah no no they are getting out of jail on the 28th of december provided they are well behaved wow that's a interesting thing you know in that uh i i that one it didn't go past to the keeper obviously captain i know but the one that caught me was the lad who did the streak during the match and um his surname happened to be bowl and he's a relative to the 800 meter run another fairy tale yeah but i thought that he did enough he showed enough that he's ready for the commie games that poll who streaked at the afl and if only we can get him into a training program and maybe you know get some media advice uh then i think that we found a very you know well i can see one two in the 800 meters that uh where are we off directly how did he look with a baton i see how does he look with the baton i think he can master the baton he's got time well there was one thing that i did find very amusing about that whole event with the streaker is that they have got this grown nude man and they have essentially forced a mask onto his face so there's a man in front of god knows how many screaming toothless west australians there with his nude body and a mask on being being hauled away by the police that's right well kovid protocols do force you to do funny things uh obviously the streak was up and most in his mind he saw an opportunity to really cement his you know or you know put his case forward as a one of the great runners in australians recent past and let's face it the olympics were a fantastic gold mine for not quite a gold mine but you understand the metaphor uh for australian athletics uh you know we did incredibly well and to think that there's more dry powder at home i think must have most common well let's face it if we don't win every medal in birmingham next year there'll have to be a probe yeah i mean speaking of dry powder at home conspiracies in the rugby league that there might be a big cohort of players trying to get out of contracts to go play for these dolphins might be a bit ambitious might be a bit i might be a conspiracist getting a bit ambitious that these uh young blokes being caught with powder are doing it on purpose oh wow that's a fantastic insight so are we seeing that the dolphins are emerging as what you know party central would be the southern hemisphere answer to the cutland dragons wow that's a big hat to wear um the miami dolphins and i'm talking to a couple of lads who know big hats look can i just say i i hadn't thought of that where i got to with that was i loved the volundus comment that the rugby league doesn't have a bigger problem with drugs than the rest of society and so i can see a lot of bring a plate events coming up uh where you know obviously i'll bring the blow can you bring a plate yeah and this would encourage a lot more people i think to be playing rugby league than in the past where the drug policy seems to excluded people who like a sniff or a bit of blow or a toot get involved with the shorts and boots on caper they also have the hangers on any you ever seen a footballer out in the town they've always got the hangers on i think they also need to make use of them maybe maybe they should be carrying it reese i believe the term is entourage which is uh it's it's a french word that is uh i think derived from you know the latin meaning of plate holder he's carrying the gear yeah yeah yeah yeah back when i did find the return of uh i mean it gives you an idea i mean i don't mean to be sort of down on the police and far be it from me to you know cast aspersions in the area of the police but it gives you an idea of how much stuff's coming into australia if people are out there with a four dollar plate from that they bought from the two dollar reject shop yeah they ripped off i might add and then taking it around and it's all on for everybody yeah and why wouldn't the rugby league people follow that they think well nadia bartels on the gear why can't i be on absolutely allegedly allegedly sorry yeah it was just a white substance just cool with a white substance in the bonamie he clears the nostrils yeah yeah how do you guys go up here in patoota to get gear well look we've got a lot of men in their 20s earning over 380k a year so of course there's a big problem you know that we have the opal mines and a lot of uh excavators coming in from hong kong weekly you know that's good they come in here and then they uh for some reason they cut out the uh counterweight out the back and they uh replace it with some gibberstones that they take off the uh back blocks of patoota i tell you what uh you know that tire fitter that tire repair joint here it does a roaring trade an absolute roaring trade i mean you know that's how they got allegedly a lot of the dope from uh afghanistan uh down through into india was in uh was inside tires you know they would get you know all these orange men on on the bhagwan they'd come down here with you know a reno tires full packed to the brim we've done well back in the day was the camel humps and then um now they're obviously the same silk road continues through uh afghanistan down to normanton yeah normanton down the gulf and through kata country into patoota so um yeah the uh the show goes on forever uh how do you get on with bob i mean you see pro rugby league in your area bob cutter told us that in person at the barkley hotel in mount isa we were watching origin to 2016 yep he told us that he thought cooper kronk was porn star material wow that's a big rap he would know the porn star community yeah i'm not sure how big it is around this area yeah you know the uh he comes from a time where male porn stars were attractive yeah you know yeah where their biggest asset you know was was their visage they were more yeah they were more cabaret back then yeah yeah he's thinking of boogie nights yeah he's not less performative yeah he's not thinking you know he's not thinking uh it was more about the streaming with the soundtracks you know it was more you know no it's a culture bloke bob isn't it yeah i mean he is he pro your minds i know you've got a very go-ahead mind policy here well that's what we said we ran the story yesterday on batuta when you know the gnats were the national party were locked in about these carbon emissions we asked bob for his two cents and he said the key to limiting carbon emissions is those big red river gums down there in the gulf but you can't camp under them because those branches have a mind of their own and it's a funny story actually there was a bloke named chinaman charlie who left behind two wives and 19 jarjums after a big limb of timber landed on his swag one night and we said actually bob that's not a very funny story at all and he said no you had to be there when uh when fox trap told the story in the clunk curry hotel just almost a couple days after chinaman charlie passed but yeah he was in full flight that night bob he was like took him out of that swag you look like a jam roll-up bob's great he's um big supporter of the rugby league i was gonna say yeah i was gonna say that you see i'm i know there's the fnq cowboys i'm just wondering if there could be an inland team uh you've got plenty of space here to build a stadium and let's face it you know i've got to be honest here are you marginal seat here or you uh pretty solid well we've got the woodhead we've got the last kind of um haircut left in the nuts really man with a pair of glasses and yeah you know you don't get too many men from western queenland that look like they design armchairs for ikea but you know he does we found one little proud and he's our he's he's our local member now just i've got a you'll have to help me with the local does the seat goes as far as south as quilby or whatever it goes as far west as quilby it goes as far west as the northern territory it goes as far it goes as far east as uh the darling downs right right yeah uh chinchilla is where the electoral office is where the country is so sweet you can eat it with your bare hands watermelon country chinchilla watermelon festival is a good time they have the watermelon tossing yeah it's a massive it's an enormous mess yeah i heard the roy it's one of the only towns uh in the commonwealth of queensland that roy gallagher's banned from you know because he goes into he goes touching chiller and he smashes all the watermelons oh that's a terrible he just goes from shop to shop and smashes them all well that's no good no that's all part of it that's all part of the festival um just lastly on on the inland rugby league in the gulf in catters house we went and visited him uh it was actually robbie catters house his sons there is a book on the kitchen table which which implies people read it quite often called not just the foley shield the history of far north queensland rugby league and i said well we'll start with the foley shield i'm not really across that um but yeah it was still played for yeah it's still it's still there it's still it's still the competition but to imply that there's so much more that you don't know about outside of this comp that you also don't know about in north queensland all the way back it's all about the daisy brothers the scotty prince's uncles were the mad footballers from the eyes of back in the day up there and then the whapjacks the whapjacks palm island have got a hell of a team they would have that's a very studied yeah you know time on their hands yeah you know yeah points to prove yeah yeah come into the big smoke and just smoke townsville yeah um now uh that was interesting now when i when we the number of books about regional rugby league and i don't mean to drag us back into new south wales but there's a great book called here come the townies and this is about gosford rugby league and yeah and this was where the uh last pandemic 100 years ago the local chemist decided that milken terps would be the cure that you know this is one of those you know milken terps kelly type solutions if i've got the right uh who's the guy he's a great kelly who's left the oh yes okay yeah yeah uh text messages yeah text messages that's right milken terps on the text line it was a regular idea that he could you know snake oil style uh save the town's rugby team with the uh milken terps cure uh i'm just wondering if if we looked back because let's face it uh the last pandemic was 10 years after uh the league got going in australia in 1908 obviously and um i i think there's a lot of probably backyard remedies that kept the league going through there that would be worth exploring projects apollo 13 good well done i wonder how they got that one to launch i'm sure there was rule back in that era there would have been different uh rules per comp i reckon it would have been an unrefined league it wouldn't have been national yes yes very very local and i can't help you with the number of teams that played but they obviously again uh families tended to be the origin of the teams yeah uh and uh very much the lineage was passed on to the cousins and kids yeah tumba rumba gold sphinx full team of gold sphinx were fielded yeah managers and coach that's um not quite in the goswood footprint but i take your point no no usually that's a phrase that someone would yell um in any pub in north patoota really you know if they want to clear the corn feds out of the pub they'd scream here come the townies you know because that's you know that's usually their cue to move on to the next place because you know they're going to have their rms torn off their feet and their ass torn out of their moleskins and all the buttons torn off their gas man shirt speaking of tumba rumba i once got involved in as you know the in the new south wales there was a crowd not to mention victoria there was a sort of blight that you don't have here a craze for council amalgamations and they asked me whether i could make a heartfelt plea to keep the tumba rumba council going and uh the only thing i could come up with really by way of you know fearsome you know point was that the tumor that someone reached out to you for that that's a big job to put on you safe out say can you please save every bloke's job in this town well that's right that's right the council depot yeah the uh and now the um the great thing was was i quickly realized that things in the tumid area cost more than things in the tumba rumba area like swimming pools yeah and so i went to town on that yeah mercifully this struck a chord with the people of tumba rumba who realized they didn't want to have to pay tumor prices for their swimming okay if they want to do a couple indies off the 10 meter that's right yeah that's right the difficulty was it was all to no avail yeah even though people like it you know you guys must have the same problem here well they don't they don't try to amalgamate our council because then it just means someone from roma has to drive six hours a day or more so they just leave us to do our own thing well look you can put a doctor in an airplane but you can't put a road crew in there a stop go man no no it's just the economics of it don't work i seem to have a family connection with your part of the world through a partner of my sister who's works on the council he's not there anymore but he worked on the council there i think in roma for some time so he probably didn't get as far as patoota yeah well i mean there is a there is an established kind of rat line from south australia that comes up through patoota's closest capital is adelaide yeah as the eagle flies lots of uh old germans we were speaking creole for a few years we stopped during the war so and that you know i love those shows on sbs that for some weird reason on saturday and sunday night they're always hunting hitler oh yeah that they've got to just send them a note oh mate there lots of people from heidelberg come up to the tutor at the end of the war and i tell you what they're either dead or in an israeli prison right now i tell you what i actually thought frank courtney's power of one was set in the barossa valley he was uh you know the uh africans kind of nazi sympathizers that was um yeah they of course i've got to be honest here they all predate the arrival of the germans in south australia predate the rise of national socialism yeah but they're pen pals and imagine history oh i always thought that the boar war was in the riverlands you know until a couple years ago well that is a that is an excellent i the boar war escapes me i thought the breaker marant was killed by the victorians don't you know i could easily be and a good a good thing the boar war have you got an idea of what happened there i know i was each win i know australians yeah you know it's out no it wasn't it was africans wasn't it no we went independently so we went to shoot anybody queenslanders new south welsh people uh victorians south australians and the new hollandaise in the west and we could shoot anybody yeah shoot anyone yeah yeah i don't think i don't think it was one of those kind of uh even ourselves yeah yeah that was it and then and then peter fit simons wrote the book about it and we kind of get to compile the whole thing yeah and the breaker done it yeah according to fit simons yeah yeah no like i mean it's an imagined history we'd like to remember it's an imagined he said a deadly precedent that breaker marant i'll tell you what file not found uh we don't really want to get our houses raided so we're going to stop talking about any trends that may have started there now let's uh let's talk about the imagined history of australian sport yes where do you find that venn diagram between i mean so much of what we have been told about sport is uh it's an imagined history even you know even in the not the record books you know they they are tricky but you know i'm sure there was a couple of final tries the people that scored them knew they hadn't scored them and there's a couple of uh what a lovely idea that is yeah yeah there's a lot of uh there's a lot of things that you know just tie up a narrative quite well i mean we go speaking of said we go back to did someone poison the all blacks in 1995 because uh that's an imagined history but it could also be true i mean maybe john eloma had diarrhea when he was beaten by an amateur team of uh south african and maybe australia too was just a very elaborate way to launder a fucking shitload of money now can i ask you to stop right there because you're gonna write uh fairy tale the real imagined history of australian sport 2.0 yeah that's that's where the origin of the thing comes from really i mean the fairy tale that uh wayne bennett benji and uh you know uh adam reynolds are all gonna you know gonna win the final hit out it's just it's just a really a media narrative it has no that the idea has no substance there's no fairy tale in the history of fairy tales that covers that issue it's just a sort of thing like well what are you going to write about today i mean what am i telling you guys this for this is how you make your dick no we'll we'll decide what's a fairy tale the idea that gladys bereticulian is innocent is a fairy tale the whole nature of what exactly what you described is what i've constructed i haven't dealt with those things but you've certainly given me a couple of ideas so the ideas i've dealt with are things like um the battle of uh sam booches's head yep uh which is a terrific story and um you know donald mackintosh who's a shooter from uh the ballarat area not quite no the back of smarsh area in the 1900s won and was uh well tied for first in the paris olympics at shooting pigeons right now this is a lovely story it's a story of australian an australian traveling all that way it's hard to imagine in those days people would go and see people shoot i mean was it at the airport or what no no this was yeah see anyway we're into the territory people were paid money at the door as they were going to see rugby league what came out was a couple of blokes with guns i used the word blokes advisedly to shoot pigeons shoot pigeons there was a whole thing where he could uh what like real life pigeons real life pigeons jesus what once this was this 12 1900 1900 they did it once but then they confined it cunningly in the cultural program now what you have to do is you've got to read the book and wonder is this true or is this me just making it up yeah so this is as you know you know roy and hg double in this area fairly much with their the dark arts the dark cards yeah sorry to rip the veils from the eyes of innocents but nonetheless you know this is largely our shtick but what happened in the pandemic was i realized that the whole pandemic was full of this stuff that they you know you follow greg hunt's timeline i mean it's just really as made up as anything i could make up anyway so um what happens here is is that you go to these events and unravel them and there's all this stuff which sounds as though it could be as weird as a rumpled stiltskin it sounds as though it could be as weird as the three pigs and stuff like that so that's what i've teased out in the imaginary side and the and you as i say have to work out whether sam burgess really did have his head smashed in or cheekbone smashed in and played the rest of the game with his cheekbone smashed in and what happened when ladi takiri scored a try which as you point out was called back yes was disallowed yeah so these things yeah okay and and was that all part of a fairy tale you know was that all part of was that all they were trying to draw parallels to satlo was that what was happening all that yeah and i don't and i've got to be honest here there were four burgess brothers i mean the three pigs comes to mind yeah uh you know there was the mum uh who'd come out russell crow involved in the background i mean it's a it's a tale that is a fairy tale yeah because in the last pandemic this is going back to the black death not the recent pandemic the uh so the china flute yeah the one before facebook when we could kind of roll out public orders and people would follow them okay what happened there was they invented rhymes as you probably know ring-a-ring-a-rosy yep pocket full of posing being the thing they thought would keep the plague at bay we all fall down we all fall down and i always thought it was a tissue a tissue we all fall down but the correct line is ashes ashes we all fall down okay and so these these i just picked that as an example of how the fairy tales the you know the lyrics and the natty phrases about this have yet to emerge they're being written but they haven't been popularized there's an interesting thing about pandemics as well and in this day and age in australia a lot of people enjoy it particularly uh people who once upon a time would have been called the yuppies in the suburbs with the lawn and the two cars and the driveway they want to live in town nowadays in in a terrace house on the light rail but you know those are the protestants yeah they were they were once ghettos you know they were once you know the king's cross or the inner city Brisbane inner city melbourne they were once ghettos and people actually originally left them because of the last pandemic and i think they're going to do it again i think we're going to have ghost cities it's going to look like i mean two years in maybe we did a six-month lockdown everyone who had to work from home would have been happy to go back to work i think it's two years in the people like maybe i could just do this forever i think we're going to have these empty cities uh it's gonna it's gonna be a bit like a a will smith movie whoa now i am a legend well can i point out that my big take on it even when it first started was nothing will be like february 2020 ever again yeah and i can sum it up in two words house prices yeah once you get beyond house prices there seems to be this knock-on effect of you're asking about people working from home commuting will commuting ever go back you're asking about will people stay in the same jobs apparently a pandemic produces this great upsurge of restlessness in the community and you're describing it yeah and so people who might be working at something they think i've had enough of this i'd rather go and live in betuda and dig grow beetroot yeah um you know that sort of thing because i know beetroots are coming crop in your area um so this is going to take a long time to shake out yeah and i think that people are very unthinking about this yeah i mean i'm not sure how mortgage is going to get paid in in two years time for the obvious reason but the whole nature of society has been blasted by something that's been so totally involving the world and the only thing that has kept running in this whole time even in like last year's melbourne lockdown which was the strictest in the world i don't even think you're allowed to get out pizza delivered to your house was horse racing the number one that the show went on i want i'm i'm interested to see how not so much obviously a lot of people have become gotten hooked on it and what and what have you but i think there'd be now a lot of experts armchair critics like we've never seen before in racing and sport absolutely i know racing i mean racing was the great volundus breakthrough was to keep racing going i mean he could work out the protocols fairly easily jockey stand there trainers there and we'll have one commentator up the back i think we can do this you know the moment he started using the term biosecurity when talking about footballs he's done this before just with i know it's just one of the most deadly viruses that a human can catch is come from horses via fruit bats you know which is just the hendra virus yeah do you have that round here no there's no brute bats here because of all of the uh old time olympic shooters you know yeah they've all been shot they were shot years ago we also have the electric nets uh bob cater introduced them yep bob actually wanted to go about coronavirus the same shot the sport yeah there was bob was out the front main street of the isa and was it was a pretty scary time there bob was like you know this is how we dealt with this is how we dealt with hendra we could do the same thing here but luckily no southern has made their way to the isa in the last two years yeah uh coming back to your issue about racing okay the thing that the pressures in society to keep these things going are enormous because the whole idea is as you point out is to invent races that appeal to younger and younger people so the other day was the everest now the everest is a big day out for people who can't go to the big day out because there's no more big day out yeah but they go to the track and get plastered and bet on a race maybe a band plays somewhere that you can't see them yeah correct correct correct anyway so the big day outs come to racing now what happens here is is where does this go because we've run the race five times so that means the people who went came and watched when they were 30 are already 35 and the race isn't aimed at 35 year olds it's aimed at 30 year olds so do they have to keep going younger and younger and younger until they produce a race like the big ted yeah uh for kids who are seven yeah yeah yeah so i'm hoping the valandas will be around for the big ted yeah well i mean they could take um a few points from the rodeo world you know because they've managed to make it work with the potty calves and the young fellas getting out there and and they managed to keep them big uh rodeo here in betuda people coming from all over the place yes there we have a few um a few what the thing our arts festival though is bigger yeah yeah yeah yeah we have the brophy tent set up in the middle of the arts festival the tent boxes yeah some people say those two things aren't really that suited for you know that well it was almost scrapped in 2019 you know because you had all these these like a thespian had walk off stage at the betuda fringe and then they'd walk in to brophy's tent and get brain damage yeah which is you know it's it was just those two things are just that they're not compatible but brophy doesn't miss the opening of an envelope so you know he's there for hamlet yeah he's there for hamlet he's there for he's there for the two up he's there for for the rodeo yeah but yeah you know it's regional towns you know this is what holds them together you need drifters pulling in town putting up tents and challenging like locals to fight them sometimes bare knuckle i tell you what the donkey circuit is a boon for you guys out here i mean we're in the in the city we're blessed we see bouts all the time i noticed sunny bill williams has got a very active new zealander obviously a very active campaign coming up and uh of course he fights people like the stool paul gallen and the noodles hall but they're happy to have a go all the time there's something that with boxing there's something there in new zealand's i think it must be easier to get a license in new zealand because quite often when these when they're looking for a fight for a football for their first one it always ends up just being a guy from new zealand and they usually plummets or screen printers yes screen printers or bounces always bounces and they're just very unfit i guess it's nice idea you come over to sydney come over to brisbane you get to go to this big event and then they send you home with a concussion and and see you later you know like there was the first bloke that quaid cooper fought he looked like he held the door open out the front of the ato you know and he was just absolutely absolutely eviscerated there's a lot of boxing in the uh real and imagined we start off with tony abbott who got a blue in boxing uh at the oxford university and is memorable for a punch that he threw into the wall at the sydney src office at sydney uni yeah obviously you later across this fairy tale uh the punch was considered his best punch ever yeah and it sadly took out a hunk of jip rock yeah but i teased this out because he was a known sporting identity really his poly pedal which i know probably came to patoota once uh was a terrific event to try and raise some funds for obviously people who were a lot worse off than him and his final i thought his final fling at uh the election was the what i call dunnyism where he stood on the beach at uh manly and said there weren't enough toilets in the manly warringa area and he was the man who was going to bring them yeah and then of course having just been prime minister for a couple years yeah who did nothing about it so then what happened was that this gave me an idea of teasing out the sporting record of a lot of and let's face it they're all fairy tales obviously harold holt gets a run his great interest in swimming and drowning deep sea deep sea and then you cue a non-theory about the chinese sub and so on yeah and then um we had a go at scomo of course because he's he's just sporting i love the idea that you may not remember this but when he got the top job he were tied up here probably branded cattle you know he decided if he'd demonstrate his rugby league skills against a school like the kirui public school and you know sort of large person tiny kids yeah and just flattened a few yeah to demonstrate he had the skills yeah and the rugby league he did the benji flick i remember and that rugby league was in safe hands in the lodge yeah until he was asked to name the side of the crinola sharks yeah not bad he started singing yeah that's right and then of course he was lucky enough to sell the dump to uh pacific island nations on fiji at the same time as the australians were playing fiji in a test yeah and he ran the water running the water bed and we actually ran a story on the tutor advocate he was running water everyone except the farmers at that point yeah well i did hear when he got the top job he would you know down there in the shine they they took him to me the great man et and scott turned around and said oh i've never met an alien before it was and they were like no no no scott no scott is a rugby league player yeah yeah yeah we're gonna have to get you we're gonna do it we're gonna crash course because you've got number one ticket now so brendan cowell lost the number one ticket holder position to uh how do you feel about that he bought a gun no he was filthy he was filthy he went and wrote a book and then so this whole heap of fairy tales attached to him you know you often see him lurch out of that lodge in the sort of rather gloomy side entrance i don't know if that's a visual the only thing i can think of this is a fairy tale he lurches out with an announcement which he made before last week everybody thinks oh something new from scott and then he ducks back into the shadows yeah what the fuck is he doing yeah i know it's you know is he is he is he really catching fish i don't think he played team sport i don't think he did no i know for a fact having read uh an essay on him recently is that his father wouldn't allow him to join the surf club for fear of the temptation of flesh so that is a uh i finally i've known that don't for god's sake stop wow that's fantastic because he was a bronte i've described him as um uh you know uh shire obviously out of the bronte hub yeah yeah yeah and uh he uh i think his dad was in police yeah and and and police and counsel so yeah that's right the great double the great double so i think um no team sport yeah i think he might have got a helicopter from bronte to crinola because i don't think you'd imagine him driving through marubra i don't think you'd enjoy that no the shire is a special place i mean if you guys ever relocate i mean i'd love to see betuda comes to the shire for a week uh i know you i know you're rusted on up here but um uh i find it really difficult to understand the shire yeah they obviously see in the northern directions a big tom ugly's bridge yeah something you don't cross yeah now obviously you have to cross it to get to betuda yeah but you know that's a line where you stop talking about overcrowded beaches and air conditioning and uh cars and ska music yeah there's there's a lot of bob that's one thing you notice about sydney and that's probably why they're being able to maintain so many clubs in the rugby league is they're so enclavey and they don't leave their bubbles whereas i guess just the broncos is kind of work for brisbane it's just like everyone just goes into the city and watches the team play so well you know that they are heavily supported by the brisbane broncos newsletter which is the great read great read but remember in the early days you guys bring them betrida would know all about this they had everything ranging from let's go cheese rings to pizza to car batteries to the general merchandise of jumpers and scarves and beanies and so on i mean they were very big on branding themselves well it was the beer with there's a brewery without a beer sponsored the club without a team that was powers i don't think that i don't think that even poured one beer by that stage where they came out the gates pretty strong with on wayne on bloody wayne bennett and wylie lewis's chests so i'd forgotten about powers yeah yeah do they still exist they limp on in a brewery down there in yatla uh near the pie shop right would you think if you've got a slab you could put it down and it would be valuable in a few years time yeah they i think they might have even been the first golds whoa yeah i think they were they were early on the mid-strength thing and then powers bitter of course but you do see they sell them in uh rather large air-conditioned pub bottle shops in towns like a models that has a playground yeah yeah yeah and i'm talking about like one for children not a pokies room yeah yeah we can smoke the smokies the smokies uh the outdoor pokies as well that's another yeah that's another classic so carnival like atmosphere in those we're all all of these things are grist to a fairy tale because it doesn't take long fairy tales are cover such a wide area sometimes they're cautionary tales sometimes they tell you what not to do sometimes they turn out great people you know like the the frog who's kissed by a princess and becomes you know sleeping beauty whatever they are and they cover so many aspects of well sport really or the story of sport yeah that uh you know it's just as well i put some real stuff in there yeah yeah no and i and i look forward to reading this hg because as as we know you you and your partner weave between the two seamlessly and have done you know since you first popped up on our radar um back in the uh 1986 the same year as chernobyl if i'm not mistaken and 86 the fabulous grand final trialist grand final i know it's because in the book fabulous history and and between paramater and uh cannery uh and um the paramater side had you know great players like sturlow and ray price and the crow and that was the last time rabs got fired a few times ray rabbits warren fairy tale he got fired a few times and he signed off that day with the immortal line and so it's farewell from the crow pricey and the rabbit and that was when the league was on 10 yeah and then it moved to obviously to nine where it's been another fairy tale and i took one aspect of that which is in the book and you can believe this or not was that the league and its wisdom decided to get a troop from neighbors to come and sing the national anthem there was no pre-match entertainment as we understand it today and that's a whole section on that in both rugby league they didn't have timmy trumpet well done well done uh so what happens was um they got neighbors to come along but they didn't ask whether neighbors could sing yeah his troop could haven't always associated neighbors with singing no yeah anyway so they had guy pierce and kylie monogue and people like that maybe harold mitchell was there in the background anyway they come along and they can't sing a note and even the rugby league players who are most reluctant to comment about art were just shaking their heads the national anthem and then they went on to score no tries no tries yeah uninspired but that was a year 86. um i i've got to say is that because it overwhelms the matches often because this is in the afl in particular because the matches are so lopsided i mean i thought that the fairy tale of the rugby league finals this year was fantastic a lot of cut close games and excellent games to watch because you could not work out what would happen yeah unlike the season where the scores were very lopsided anyway the afl games are often very lopsided and so you feel as though if anybody's going to watch this in flat of vostok they'd like to see barry crocker perform before it yeah yes that's the theory the brisbane olympics we'll just hey the brisbane we'll just we'll just finish with that one yeah good because we're talking entertainment and you know that powder finger are going to be roaring back um in 10 years time yeah or shepherd shepherd oh the most available band in queensland yeah yeah they didn't record well they only recorded one song no we'll see i think their father was only available for one recording session and he played the most valuable instrument in the band the checkbook now if you were going to have a an arts festival how long before you'd be able to book shepherd at an appropriate price to the community here in patoota would it be another 10 years it depends if we had any government officials coming along because it all goes hand in hand there i i'm trying to think of who the i mean the veronicas are going to start ah the veronicas uh the brisbane olympics opening ceremony of course um and the band that named themselves after a bridge the go betweens the go betweens oh go betweens uh that'll be some of them are all sadly no longer with us yeah yeah yeah well it might be like the one that hasn't stopped you know the likes of acdc or rolling stones or who was uh jd stone front man of inexcess i'm looking forward to this enormously because it's going to be a as i understand it a budget olympics yeah and a budget olympics might mean that you you know you had to make do with can you remember in the afl uh recent coverage of the afl grand final that mike brady was singing with his guitar wandering around the streets of melbourne badly out of sync and i thought that's the model for the brisbane olympics yeah the world would love to see mike brady yeah probably use that footage yeah if they approach the channel seven in the right way and it's just given everyone permission to tear down woolen gabba and start again like i mean they'll keep the they'll keep the gabba but all of these clunky five ways that exist around this stadium are just going to be bulldozed well i reckon they'll probably start replacing a lot of the busways with uh trams heavy rail or they might just do away with the buses and put everyone on those death trap lime scooters that they have you know cast yeah all over the city it will be i mean it's the parallel you draw brisbane the parallel to brisbane in the states is atlanta you know ah yes the urban center of the uh more rural south in america and you flip that around in australia you got this high foliage city in the middle of um you know a lot of conservative sensible people and i wonder if the brisbane olympics will be similar to the atlanta olympics in the people letting off bombs and no one knows who and why that's and then we blame the security guards that's right that that is seriously weird that whole story isn't it um look i've got to be say i worry about this i don't worry because there's going to be a joint committee i understand a steering committee made up of people from the federal side of politics and the state this is this is madness this is not going to get anywhere imagine look at the trouble we've got at the moment national cabinet that's right thanks very much sir look at the trouble you've got at the moment and we're not dealing with something real we that's the pandemic that's just obviously bullshit yeah but you know dealing with something real like the olympic games i know i know extremely the olympics the pandemic was a was a trial run yeah for the brisbane olympics and i don't know if we got 10 years is enough for them to get their shit together yeah well you know they were they were saying that this is probably going to be one of the first olympics opened by the australian president because you know by two thousand and you know 32 the queen will be as stiff as a boogie board you know yeah pete simons will have 10 feet under the ground somewhere in in windsor so they reckon that this will be the first one open by president and i wonder who that person's going to be well i haven't come across this idea before this is taking me quite by well obviously when i understand when the queen dies you know there's going to be a referendum and we don't want someone with hands like prince charles to be our head of state i reckon if you have seen his his hands they are you know they're just they're otherworldly you know like they're very soft it's almost like the hand on the glass in independence day it's just you know it's just this mass you know just going down this window like that you see the state of them that's that's i'll google them now that's a really interesting thought obviously firm who do you reckon the first president is we can finish on that do you reckon the pimple pirate he'll get his way peter fit simons well have a look at the paws on this oh look at those they can't be real can they they're real they're inflated a couple of red fucking cheerios can i ask i know this is technical but how are we electing this person are we electing them through a general vote or is that what people want we'll maintain a prime minister similar to republics like ireland where they have a prime minister and a president yeah no no i understand i think russia does it too a lot of countries yeah it's always put so yeah yeah maybe we'll just do elected dictator we love a dick particularly in queensland you just do a venn diagram between them all i don't well like i think the way things are going in this country we could have you know a fiji style coup here you know it's true a bloodless coup that's right and then you've got the key ways and most of the south pacific you know interfering in our business you know and you know having the un come here with their blue helmets and they're like oh you know you can't be doing this peter cosgrove you can't be overthrowing parliament and torching it you know it's a bad look it's not a good look that okay we didn't get to answer the question which was who would the best the person be and are we seeing this person as a ceremonial person or are we seeing this person you understand what i mean yeah yeah it was cutting ribbons yeah yeah sort of a governor so the thanks president would be essentially the head of state does all the ceremonial things and then you got the prime minister that you know basically the treasurer just you know runs the show yeah look i'm i'm stuck for these things but i always think of go-to person is is somebody who has experience uh somebody who's at a loose end and i'm settling on somebody like eddie mcguire yeah everywhere eddie yeah that's right who is known to people who can really stuff things up when he wants to who people who take an instant dislike to which i think is key in this area key to be president yeah to be president hated by everybody and um certainly if there was um you know what would i call it an eruption requiring a constitutional decision to be made by this person he'd get it wrong yeah yep so i think there are three and that that would be a presidency littered with uh prince philip esque racial gaffes as well so he might even be he might be the man for the job yeah i true he's certainly got a record of that and um then we have the problem of me too ism here and so would we like to see a woman as the first president to really uh stamp out any possibility of yeah yeah of stupidity happening and then i'm a bit stuck because you know show business people are automatically always come to mind yeah the trouble here is or do we get somebody from the lgbtqi community to say something about those issues and the molly molly meldrum here we go number one ticket holder for the melbourne storm yes and a gentleman and some kilda and some kilda yeah dual codist dual code number one ticket hole i think we've figured this one out meldrum yeah yeah all right meldrum meldrum we'll be able to open everything do yourself a favor get down to the beach today that's yeah do yourself a favor and can pass too as an ethnic queenslander yes you know he's got you know the big stetson the dreadful skin yeah you know it's good you know it's like a old basketball that's been on the roof of your grandma's garage for 10 years you know perfect well we've we thought we'd get into this booth and solve some of the world's problems today and i think we're going to go really well i think we've given it a real crack now now for everyone else here's a problem that everyone else can solve for themselves when you're looking for a present to get this christmas get your mitts on the fairy tale a real and imagined history of australian sport by hg nelson he's done a master class in here today with us and um obviously a big inspiration for our transition into audio as a batuta advocate uh newspaper and and and an inspiration for just about every goose on radio around the country um point to you hg so thank you for joining us and uh thank you on behalf of australia for all the good work you do well delighted and uh terrific to be in batuta i mean i've admired your work your handy work from a very careful distance i.e melbourne for a very long time and to be here at last and see the see the appalling conditions in which you operate i mean i just can't believe you're knocking out this quality gear from these sort of galvanized iron shed that is doubling as a our forward security base uh should the chinese do what we expect the chinese to do yeah well congratulations and liberate us yeah we tried to have nice things once and we just we get we get too detached from the common from the common man we had to get rid of the aircon everyone started publishing all kinds of op-eds well you know they were just not on brand for our newspapers so we we keep it simple we keep it out here in the in the we report with the authenticity of the red dirt that surrounds us here in the western quincean channel country and that's our tagline hg nelson's tagline is a real and imagined history of australian sport out now in all good bookstores thanks for joining us hg delighted he'll get his way peter fitzsimons well have a look at the paws on this top they can't be real can they they're real they're inflated a couple of red fucking cheerios can i ask i know this is technical but how are we electing this person are we electing them through a general vote or is that what people want we'll maintain a prime minister similar to republics like island where they have a prime minister and a president yeah no no i understand i think russia does it too a lot of countries have that yeah it's always put so yeah yeah maybe we'll just do elected dictator we love a dick particularly in queenland you just do a venn diagram between them all i don't well like i think the way things are going in this country we could have you know a fiji style coup here you know it's true a bloodless coup that's right and then you've got the key ways and most of the south pacific you know interfering in our business you know and you know having the un come here with their blue helmets and they're like oh you know you can't be doing this peter cosgrove you can't be overthrowing parliament and torching it you know it's a bad look it's not a good look that okay we didn't get to answer the question which was who would the best the person be and are we seeing this person as a ceremonial person or are we seeing this person you understand what i mean yeah it was cutting ribbons yeah yeah sort of a governor so the president would be essentially the head of state does all the ceremonial things and then you got the prime minister that you know basically the treasurer just you know runs the show yeah look i'm i'm stuck for these things but i always think of go-to person is somebody who has experience somebody who's at a loose end and i'm settling on somebody like eddie mcguire yeah everywhere eddie yeah that's right who is known to people who can really stuff things up when he wants to who people who take an instant dislike to which i think is key in this area key to be president to be president hated by everybody and um certainly if there was um you know what would i call it an eruption requiring a constitutional decision to be made by this person he'd get it wrong yeah yep so i think there are three and that that would be a presidency littered with uh prince philip esque racial gaffes as well so he might even be he might be the man for the job yeah i true he's certainly got a record of that and um then we have the problem of me tooism here and so would we like to see a woman as the first president to really uh stamp out any possibility of yeah yeah of stupidity happening and then i'm a bit stuck because you know show business people are automatically always come to mind yeah the trouble here is or do we get somebody from the lgbtqi community to say something about those issues and the molly molly meldrum here we go number one ticket holder for the melbourne storm yes and a gentleman and st kilda and st kilda yeah jewel codist jewel code number one ticket holder i think we've figured this one out meldrum yeah yeah all right meldrum meldrum wins do yourself a favor get down to the beach today that's yeah do yourself a favor and can pass too as an ethnic queenslander yes you know he's got you know the big stetson the dreadful skin yeah no it's good you know it's like a old basketball that's been on the roof of your grandma's garage for 10 years you know perfect well we've we thought we'd get into this booth and solve some of the world's problems today and i think we've done it really well i think we've given it a real crack now now for everyone else here's a problem that everyone else can solve for themselves when you're looking for a present to get this christmas get your mitts on the fairy tale a real and imagined history of australian sport by hg nelson he's done a master class in here today with us and um obviously a big inspiration for our transition into audio as a batutah advocate uh newspaper and and and an inspiration for just about every goose on radio around the country point to you hg so thank you for joining us and uh thank you on behalf of australia for all the good work you do well delighted and uh terrific to be in batutah i mean i've admired your work your handy work from a very careful distance i.e melbourne for a very long time and to be here at last and see the see the appalling conditions in which you operate i mean i just can't believe you're knocking out this quality gear from these sort of galvanized iron shed that is doubling as a our forward security base uh should the chinese do what we expect the chinese to do yeah well congratulations and liberate us yeah we tried to have nice things once and it we just we get we get too detached from the common from the common man we had to get rid of the air con everyone started publishing all kinds of op-eds well you know they were just not on brand for our newspapers so we keep it simple we keep it out here in the in the we report with the authenticity of the red dirt that surrounds us here in the western quincean channel country and that's our tagline hg nelson's tagline is a real and imagined history of australian sport out now in all good bookstores thanks for joining us hg delighted |
dropout | this_stripper_is_so_sexy_it_s_illegal_all_nighter | College Humor's All Nighter. All right, guys, come on and wake up. We still got a lot of content to poop out of our fun holes.
Sam, can't you see we're tie-tie? Yeah, we're super tie-tie.
I know. And that's why I got a little surprise to get your blood pumping. Oh. Sam, you didn't. I did. I got a stripper. What? Oh, no. Honey, actually, I'll call you back later.
Oh.
Yeah.
Tile out. Tile out, guys.
Officer, what seems to be the problem? Well, got some calls that things are getting a little rowdy down here.
Uh, Officer, why don't you tell them what you want them to do?
Well, I need you to get your hands in the air. And get down to the ground. Oh man, I can't believe this is happening. Oh yeah, put it on, put it all on.
Alright, everyone stay behind this line. And nothing bad will happen unless you want it to.
Guys, I know everyone says this, but I think he like really hates me. No, no, no, that's just how the media portrays it. He hates everyone equally.
He's just doing his job. Oh, well, well, well. Looks like we have our first volunteer.
Later, fellas. What's your name, big boy? Whatever you want it to be.
Ahhh! It's a constitutional rights violation. Oh my god, I'm so jealous. No phones here. Ooh, try to control the spread of information daddy will make me. Oh no!
You're coming with me, huh? That's fabulous. Like seriously, where's he going? Taking this little sexy instigator to the VIP room. Hey, hey, hey.
We'd hog it all corruption. I want to be oppressed too.
Looks like somebody crossed the line. Ahhh! It's so hot. It's like super chemically hot. It stings a little.
Sam, do you know when this is going to be over? Well, Katie, in a sense it will never be over. That is until sweeping changes are made to the infrastructure that governs this country. No, I meant when is the struggle done?
We're trying to set up the taco bar. Oh, we got 15 more minutes.
Uh, hey there. I think I came a little. Pour that milk in my eyes. Sweet nectar. |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_rock_n_roll_jeopardy_snl | Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy! Rock and Roll Edition Where some of today's biggest music stars compete for their favorite charities. let's meet the contestants.
Dave Matthews of Dave Matthews Band. Dave, welcome to the Show. I am glad to be here.
Fantastic. next up, Icelandic sensation Bjork. sometimes when I look at my veins and my hands, they are my feet. these two snakes laugh. beautiful. And our final contestant on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy, Sean Connery. We meet again, you logger-headed tickle-brained pumpian. I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I'd be eligible. there once was a man named Trebek who had the world's tiniest. Enough. Okay. yes. let's just get this over with. here are the categories. they are potent potables, countries between Mexico and Canada, members of Simon and Garfunkel, I have a Chardonnay. If you choose this category, you automatically get the points. and I get to have a glass of wine, things you do with a pencil sharpener, tie your shoe, and finally toast.
Mr. Connery, you select first. Wow. that's a nice jacket you're wearing, Trebek. well, thank you. is that wool? it must have been expensive. Well, no, actually it was quite reasonable. Oh really? where did you get it? this place called Stearns, down on 14th. Stearns? I'll have to check it out. Well, you should ask for Gary and tell him I sent you. Well, I'll do that. that sure is a nice jacket. one more question. what is it, John? do they make them for men?
Let's go with toast for $600 and the answer is, this is the thing that becomes toast. Dave Matthews. What? did you ring in? I did it, guilty ass charge. Do you have an answer? No, no I don't. Bjork, this is the only thing that becomes toast. everything is music. when I go home, I throw knickers into the oven and it's music. Wow. the answer, of course, was bread.
Let's go to members of Simon and Garfunkel for $200. of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is Not Garfunkel. Bjork. sometimes when I'm putting oranges in a circle, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. No? are you Icelandic or retarded? Sean Connery. can you repeat the question? of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is Not Garfunkel. I Garfunkel, your mother. come on, please.
Dave Matthews. He wakes up in the morning and he's rolling. wrong. Sorry. What is he wakes up in the morning? Bjork.
This Buzzard is musical. everything is musical. Buzzard, Buzzard, not the next. And shut it.
Mr. Connery, are you still your board? I'll take. I have a hard on for $600. I don't believe this. where did you get that magic marker? we frisk you in on the way in here. I didn't have it in my pocket. that's disgusting. Please. I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it. All right. that's enough. because I was keeping it in my butt.
Okay. okay. we get it. we got it. loud and clear, Sean. we get it. it's time for Final Jeopardy. And so this was the Final Jeopardy. What a ride it has been from Burt Reynolds to Minnie Driver.
But boy, oh boy, oh boy, those celebrities did not know the right answer to any of your questions. No, they did not. they were very stupid.
Well, you got that right. Well, well, well, Two Trebex. I feel like I'm in a Raisin Brand commercial, Two scoops of fruit.
Back off, Connery. I don't have to take that from you.
I guess it's true. old married couples do start to look alike. Okay, please. from all of us to all of you. Good night. good night. |
SaturdayNightLive | saturday_night_news_saturday_night_live | And now, Saturday Night News with anchorperson, Fernando. thank you, my friends. Salud. So good to see you all because you know how you look. you do, Darlings. I have to tell you, I'm tickled pink being here. You know, people want to know so much about us stars. we have no royalty in this country. Wear it. you know what I'm saying, darlings? And you know who you are. people want to know.
This year, where are the stars Going on vacation these days? where are the in spots? This year, there is a brand new resort, my friends, that seems to have become the place to be seen. it's way out west. it's an unbelievable place. all of the stars are going there. it's called the Betty Ford Rehabilitation Center. I tell you, talk about a night of a thousand stars.
I couldn't believe it. I went to so many friends I was under contract with. they said they didn't look good when they went in, you know? But I got to tell you, my friends, that after 30 days there, they look mowers. absolutely Mowers. I couldn't believe it. not the tuck, not the stitch, not the pullback, not the taping. they just plain old look mowers. And I said to them, you look mowers. absolutely mowers. And they said to me, for now though, you could look marvelous too, you know? So there we all were looking mowers, and it was sensational.
So let me show you, my friends, some pictures of the stars I took when I was there. this is Liz Taylor. she keeps going back. she likes it so much. maybe it's the food. you never know. And here's Liza with a Z. And here I am with my good friend who posed with me, Peter Loftet. Not only do these people look mowers, don't they, darlings? but look what it does for their careers. they're on the covers of People Magazine, and then they get more offers, and everything goes good. it does wonders for them. So I got an idea. I have some friends who should check into the Betty Ford place, only because we'd like to see them working again. Connie Stevens, check in, darling. it's been a long time since Cricket. we miss you. David, David Sor. you were on the cover of People, but it was about wife feeling. too heavy. Try this. check in, Dave. you know what I'm saying, darling? rough mouth. check in. I haven't seen you since happy days, you know? take part, see with you, too.
I think that would be a good idea. you took a crazy Gonass. And Al, you should invest in this place. I think that'll be everything. my friends, if there is a network executive listening, I tell you there is a series in this place. you know what I'm talking about? it's like the Love Boat. I mean, who could be checking in this week? Think about it. you know, pilot order for six, whatever you want to do.
So that's all for now, my friends. I'm so glad to see you. Remember, you look marvelous. And for me, Fernando, I would rather look good than to feel good. Good night, my darling. I'll see you soon. |
dropout | simon_pegg_and_nick_frost_s_star_wars | How did we get into this mess? We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.
Blub blub blub blub. What? Blub blub blub blub. Is that what you're going to do? Blub blub.
No, it doesn't. No, it makes a whistle. It communicates via a system of beeps and whistles. You don't say bleep, blap.
Go like this. Try that.
Blub blub blub blub.
Look, I'll take three steps. I'll say my line again and then try and make it sound like a series of sophisticated bleeps and whistles, okay? All right. Beep beep beep. Oh, let's just say it in English. All right. I'm going to do the noise of his joints. Just do it then.
I need to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen.
It's not very lightly, is it? What? We're in the desert. It's not exactly half, is it? That's not the point. It's not... What are you talking about?
Hang on. You don't think R2 would call C-3PR on this? It's not our place to say, is it? It was in the film. We shouldn't... Save it.
I'm going this way. Well, I'm not going that way.
It's far too rocky. What are you complaining about rocks for?
You've got legs, you know. I've got wheels for feet.
Do you get that? Yeah. Skywalker is this way. Well, we don't know that yet, do we? Yes, we do.
We've both been to Tatooine before. You were built here by Darth Duddy Vader.
We don't talk about that. It's just a... But, you know what?
I am going this way. Well, then go that way.
You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you near-sided scrap pile. fucking do that for. Ow. Ow! Don't do it then.
You can't hit me. You've got no arms. You kick me first.
Yeah, but for C-3PR, it does it in the film.
What is that? You can't do that. It's not on topic.
Ow! Electric shock. Ow!
See, oh, screw this. I'm off. And don't let me catch you following me begging for help, because you won't get it. Oh, well, good, you big gold-plated Nancy.
You know, I don't think your extensive knowledge of etiquette and protocol helped us much anyway in the desert. Hey, are we actually arguing? I don't fucking know. |
cracked | 5_prehistoric_creatures_ripped_directly_from_your_nightmares | The animal kingdom is loaded with some pretty formidable creatures, a few of which we as humans are only barely able to keep in line even with modern technology. As it turns out, many of these species are diminutive descendants of giants so mind-bogglingly huge and terrifying that they could probably take over the entire world with minimal effort. Meghanura were enormous dragonfly-like insects with wingspans the length of an average toddler. Sure, toddlers is a weird way to measure things, but the important takeaway is that this makes them among the largest flying predatory insects in the history of the world. Their diet consisted mainly of other insects, small amphibians, and if given the chance, your baby, probably. Some scientists think that the Meghanura were actually too big to be able to survive in the current atmosphere, citing the higher oxygen concentration in the prehistoric world as the only way an insect its size would be able to breathe in enough to support its massive body. By all accounts, this makes Meghanura one of the biggest bullets ever dodged by the human race because if one of them collided with a bug zapper, the resulting inferno would probably burn down your entire backyard. It has Giant and Dragon right in its name.
And what's your name? Paul? Your name is no match, Paul, and neither would be your body.
Speaking of terrifying names, Giant Scorpion was all this thing needed in its name to be pretty f***ing terrifying. Jackalup, Terris Rainer Ray, the largest bug on record, managed to up the ante by being an ancient giant scorpion from beneath the waves. It may just be us, but that makes it way worse somehow. Scorpions are already terrifying enough when they look like small, angry bug tanks. You don't need to up the ante by making them giant and able to sneak up on us from below Jaws style. Giant sea scorpions lived in freshwater lakes and streams, unleashing all eight feet of its anthropotic rage on unsuspecting victims and-- Wait, eight f***ing feet?! Jesus, age scorpion, Christ, okay! Though referred to as a sea scorpion, it was really more of an oversized lobster, a fact that does nothing to decrease its hideousness.
Or its claws, which were the size of a grown man's head. Did we mention the claws? Well, they're our claws. And again, they're perfectly sized to wrap around your head.
We already depend on freshwater as an alternative to swimming in the ocean, because rivers tend to be relatively free of massive lurking predators. Having six or seven prehistoric death lobsters crawling around in the silt would seriously affect the wow factor of that weekend at your uncle's lake house. Also, the amount of food a scavenging beast like the giant sea scorpion would need to consume would reduce fishing trips to a level of boredom the human mind can barely comprehend. The one downside is-- admit it-- you're more than a little bit curious about what that sweet scorpion death lobster meat might taste like, aren't you?
We as humans are already pretty envious of birds. They can fly around and s*** on anything they want, something we'd need both a jetpack and precision diarrhea to accomplish. As if answering the dare to make us feel more inadequate, the world gave us Argentavis magnificens, the largest flying bird in recorded history. These beasts possess a wingspan between 19 and 26 feet, and a weighing area of 75 feet, which you may notice is only slightly smaller than a Learjet, and much larger than-- I mean, if you continue the previously established measuring system, it would be lots of toddlers, a s*** load of toddlers. In addition to its staggering size and 240-pound weight, the bird is believed to have swallowed prey as large as cattle in one fell swoop.
Backyards would not be fenced, they'd be caged. Blue skies wouldn't be a beacon of hope so much as a grim reminder of your own mortality. Say goodbye to bicycles, convertibles, and outdoor sporting events. When birds the size of a Volkswagen are patrolling the skies, anything that doesn't involve a sky raptor resistance-proof roof over your head officially falls under the category of not f***ing worth it. Half of the gross national product would need to be devoted to the construction of giant scarecrows, which, depending on how gullible they were, would only work on the birds who'd seen Voltron.
The early bird catches the worm, but this bird never sleeps, and you're the worm, Paul! Really?
I need to explain why a giant shark is scary? Alright, fine. The largest fish in the ocean today, that we know about, is the whale shark, and while the name is certainly impressive, the animal itself is far more like Fat Albert of the sea, benevolently swimming along in wrecking havoc on precisely nothing it encounters. Much more impressive was the Car-Carr-Carr-Carr-Gon-Mechelodon, the largest fish in history and the star of more made-for-cable movies than Lorenzo Lamas and Casper Van Dien combined. At 70 feet long, this magnificent bastard was more than three times the size of an average great white shark and large enough to swallow an average sedan. Again, the upside of their extinction seems self-evident, because you know how you're already scared of sharks? But, okay, we'll play along. Between great whites, more eels, and 160-foot-long Voltron jellyfish already in the ocean, it's scary enough to go swimming without a beast from the Old Testament sniffing around for your blood.
The largest anaconda on record stretches a considerable 27 feet at its proudest moments. However, its ancestor, Titan Oboa, Sarah Jonasis, yes, it is actually called the Titan Oboa, grew to length anywhere between 40 and 50 feet, weighed in at two and a half thousand pounds, and could probably crush you to death with a harsh glance. Without dispute, it is the most ass-blastingly enormous snake that has ever existed. The Titan Oboa lived about 60 million years ago and actually survived the extinction event that killed all the dinosaurs, effectively curling up its tail and smacking natural selection directly in the testicles, staving off death for several more millennia. Despite the unmitigated supervillain awesomeness of its name, the Titan Oboa could probably eat the entire student body of an elementary school in an afternoon.
Hey! Look at that! We're back to measuring terrifying things in amount of children. Full circle! |
SaturdayNightLive | the_barry_gibb_talk_show_2024_election_snl | And as always, that's what. I'm still gonna talk to you. I don't care what you say, talkin' it up, I'ma better get caught up, talkin' bout issues, talkin'' bout really fuckin' issues, talkin' it up, I'ma better get caught up, checkin' out politics, and this crazy, crazy time of my day. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. we've got a great show for you tonight. This is my show and it's a no-nonsense show. I don't take any crap from anyone. let's get right to it. it's an election year and people seem disillusioned by the political system. people feel one candidate is too old and the other will be distracted by his legal problems. Robin, do you have anything to add? No. no, I don't. Okay. Ellie, you're right for the nation. Do you think the media is overstating the negative sentiment of the election to get views and clicks?
Well, that's an interesting question. Oh, is it? See, it's interesting. you find it interesting. Yeah, I do. yeah, but I find you interesting, okay?
You look like if Don King ate another Don King. I will unhinge my jaw and bite your head off like a goldfish cracker. The snack that smiles back, the snack that smiles back, practically destroy you. Every month, I will replace your shoes with an identical pair of one bigger size, so you think your feet are shrinking.
I fear nothing. I watch Salt Burn with my entire family. And I knew about the bathtub scene beforehand and I loved it. hump, hump, hump, hump, lickin'' a drain, humpin'' a grave.
Do you have anything to add, Robin? No. no, I don't. let's get to our next guest.
Andrew Yang. Culture of the Forward Party. Do you think a centrist third party candidate could garner enough votes to win the general election?
Well, Barry, call me sir. excuse me? you will call me Sir Barry Gibb. I was knighted in 2018 for outstanding contributions to the music industry. Do Not stir in the cyclone.
I will rip out your lower intestine and use as my own personalized zip line. Robin, zip line, zip line, zip line to outer space. selfie. Do you have anything to add, Robin?
No. no, I don't. really? no. okay. so Joanne can't do it to you. Joanne, Joanne, Joanne can't do it to you. we are here from Australia. we swim in the Coral Reef. my dad's a kangaroo. he didn't got your mind on the weird brown bread that they bring to the table. I know that you're a vocal critic of President Trump. however, people have said that he was correct about the border antenna. Well, that depends on which metric. how dare you interrupt me? I do not play. Legend. you cannot break me.
I have not cried in 77 years, except during episodes of the Australian children's show, Bluey. But if you don't cry at Bluey, you're not a real man. Bluey, you're not a real man.
Do you have anything to add, Robin? Yeah? he doesn't. You know, I have something to add. you will de-glove your corpse and use your ribcage as a lobster trap. de-glove your corpse, use your ribcage as a trap. de-glove your corpse, use your ribcage as a trap. de-glove your corpse, use your ribcage as a trap. ribcage as a time. Break me! I have not cried in 77 years, except during episodes of the Australian children's show, Bluey. But if you don't cry at Bluey, you're not a real man. if you don't cry at Bluey, you're not a real man. Do you have anything to add, Robin? Yeah? he doesn't. Yeah, you know, I have something to add. I will de-glove your corpse and use your ribcage as a lobster trap. de-glove your corpse, use your ribcage as a trap. de-glove your corpse, use your ribcage as a trap. de-glove your corpse. |
dropout | pot_cookie_monster | Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What we laughing about? We counting to five. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
One... Whoa! What? Oh man, feel how soft me is. It's like petting fuzzy rainbow made of kittens. Two... Wait, wait! Me and me. Me can feel me own soft without even touching me. Usually. Me no. Whoa!
Has this been here the whole time?
Three... Whoa! Wow! That's so awesome! Four. Ha! Oh yeah! Four.
Where are we anyway? How come nobody is...
Hi Mackenzie! Is he huge? Or me tiny?
Me a puppet! But when me think about it... We all puppets under current administration. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is why the Republican party, the biggest drug of all. You know what me mean? |
TheOnion | brendan_fraser_i_would_like_to_apply_for_one_kickstarter_please | Starfix, brought to you by the Oscar Mayer Original Collection. Hot on the heels of the successful Veronica Mars and Zach Braff Kickstarter projects, actor Brendan Fraser has announced his plans to launch one of his own. Yesterday morning, the Mummy star tweeted out, I would like to apply for one Kickstarter, please, and then followed it up with tweets reading Kickstarter, Kickstarter how-to, and Kickstarter movie Brendan Fraser. Drumming up publicity, Brendan then took to the blog section of brennanfrazer.com to lay out his goals for the campaign, saying, quote, my friend Zach told me that Kickstarter is giving him money to make a movie. I would also like a movie, please. Fraser included no information about the plot, except that the film would be, quote, a good, fun movie and star me, Brendan Fraser. Brendan says he is very excited about his Kickstarter. If he were to try and fund his movie the traditional way, he would have to give control to the studios, who want the movie to have more ideas, star a different actor. The blitz continued as Fraser took out a full-page ad in Variety, promoting his Kickstarter application with a list of incentives, writing, quote, I will send some people a t-shirt like Zach Braff did, but I only have 20 shirts in my closet, and I need to keep one for myself. I wanted to donate to Brendan Fraser's Kickstarter, but when I went on the site, there was nothing about it anywhere. Brendan, how do I give you my money? In an interview, Brendan Fraser insisted that he had gone the full nine yards, mailing an application into Kickstarter headquarters that included his headshot, a cover letter, some delicious jelly beans, and a VHS copy of the movie Monkey Bone. And the people have spoken. Despite not having a project page, goal amount, or general direction, sources at Kickstarter say Brendan Fraser has already raised well over a million dollars.
Next up, a wardrobe malfunction exposes Beyonce's liver. |
cracked | the_time_barbie_was_too_sexy_for_these_terrorists_canonball | For over 60 years, Barbie has managed to tiptoe a very fine line between feminist empowerment and hypersexualization. That's hard to do in permanently pointed toes. Barbie's ectomorphic frame has been criticized for perpetuating spine-splintering beauty standards for generations of women. Even the new movie seems to be deliberately courting the tootsie-loving denizens of the internet's hornier corners. Margot Robbie has even said that Barbie has no sexual organs and therefore can't be deliberately sexy. It may be hard to sexualize a plastic doll, but the patriarchy prevails. Mattel once reduced her cup size from a 36C to a 34B and widened her waist, not to reflect a more healthy human body, but to keep up with what weirdos in the 90s found sexy. Even when trying to be progressive, Mattel has made a few missteps. The diet book that simply says, don't eat, comes to mind. And today I'm getting into why Teen Talk Barbie may be, accidentally, the most culturally significant toy this franchise has ever produced. I'm talking about Mattel's oblivious sexism, the radical feminist terrorist organization that decided they'd had enough and how the media cemented this fiasco into the cultural zeitgeist forever. This is Cannonball. Now, I'm not breaking news when I say that Barbie hasn't always been a shining beacon of girl power. When she first dropped in 1959, her design was generously inspired by a purposefully horny German joke dog called Bill Lilly, who had a whole comic strip about what a sassy, sexy gold digger she was. No matter how many careers and accolades Barbie racked up, she remained impossibly frail and way fish. In 1992, little girls flocked to toy stores to update their body dysmorphia software once more with Teen Talk Barbie. The issue this time wasn't with her body, but with her voice.
They recorded over 270 phrases for this doll. And boy, do they run the gamut. There are some positive, aspirational quotes, like, I'm studying to be a doctor, and let's have a campfire. I know that sounds like every basic-ass dating profile you've ever seen, but it was actually pretty progressive for the 90s. But they also loaded her up with some decidedly stereotypical quotes.
What kind of wedding will you have? I love shopping. And will we ever have enough clothes?
Those are all slightly condescending, but one short phrase would become a cultural flashpoint. For some reason, they made her say, math class is tough. Mattel managed to pinpoint and fortify a core tenet of institutionalized sexism in the space of just four syllables. They're basically saying, women are chronically discouraged from pursuing careers in STEM.
And we're all trying to find the guy who did this. Yeah, come on, whoever did this, just get fast, we promise we won't be mad.
Watching news clips from the time, public opinion was apparently mixed. On one hand, this children's author thinks it's a sh**ty and unnecessary message to deliver to little girls. It's sort of a terrorist act directed against children, and that did not seem appropriate. And on the other, equally valid hand, a condescending bozo thinks we could all benefit from focusing on a bad faith straw man argument that no one was actually making. I cannot imagine a girl with a potential career at NASA throwing it all away over what a doll says. So there you have it. Americans were split on whether normalizing the stereotype that girls are bad at math was a good thing or a bad thing. For their part, Mattel offered to send a mute doll, sans voice box, to anyone who was unhappy with their teen talk Barbie.
But it was too little, too late, for one secretive, feminist, terrorist organization who decided to mount a counterattack against the patriarchy. We are an international group of children's toys that are revolting against the companies who made us. Enter the Barbie Liberation Organization. The BLO was an activist collective who developed a diabolical scheme to steal hundreds of teen talk Barbies and talking Duke GI Joes, meticulously switched their voice boxes, and then put them right back on store shelves just in time for parents to scoop them up for the holidays.
They reportedly performed this swap 300 times in cities across the country. This plot has all the trappings of a good heist movie, from the gadget guy to clandestine hijinks to steamy sex scenes. What really gave this operation legs was the 30-minute promotional VHS they produced.
It included a step-by-step guide on how to join in on the effort. If you were to perform such an operation yourself at home, it would be easy. This is what you would need.
All you gotta do is crack Barbie open like a crab, flay GI Joe like he's Theon Greyjoy, swap their guts, and then glue them back together. You look terrific! They even had teen talk Barbie herself deliver their mission statement in a press release using state-of-the-art video effects. We've turned against our creators because they use us to brainwash kids.
They sent that press release to actual news outlets around the country to try to get their message out, and they got some pretty big names to bite. Brian Williams picked it up on NBC. They called themselves the Barbie Liberation Organization, the BLO. Williams kicked it over to his colleague, Irving R. Levine. Now this dude was a highly respected journalist.
He was embedded in the Soviet Union for years, so to hear his dire tone applied to a Barbie prank is just delicious. Still, one wonders, is nothing sacred? If protesters can tamper with the voices of children's icons, what can be next? Okay, love the doom and gloom, but did anybody cover this story in a way that's maybe a little more, I don't know, desperate and horny?
I love Barbie dolls. Which outfit is your favorite? The one you're wearing.
I'm going to be a veteran area. I'm going to be a journalist. Let's make some new friends. I just made one.
That's perfect. Elsewhere, Jay Leno recited a long and meandering joke that I won't bore you with, but it ended with this middling punchline. But rather than recall the toys, Mattel said today they just decided to market them as the B. Arthur doll. Yeah, so they'll just... Fine.
But the most lasting legacy of teen talk Barbie came a couple years later with the introduction of Malibu Stacy on The Simpsons. The episode Lisa versus Malibu Stacy even appears to have a direct reference to the B.L.O.'s big stunt. There's something wrong with what my Stacy says.
My spidey sense is tingling. Anybody call for a web slinger? Ultimately, the B.L.O. taught the most quintessential Barbie-y lesson of all. Learn one million skills, leverage your brains and your beauty, and you can pull off something truly amazing that will make powerful men stop and say, Wait, what the fuck? Let's make some new friends. I just made one. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe, and jump in the comments and let me know about any of the weirdest Barbies that you've ever seen or heard about in the last 60 years. |
dropout | what_if_the_players_in_madden_could_talk_back | No, honestly, I think Cargo Shorts are making a comeback. Ah! You can't miss that sack, Von Miller.
Hey, man, I'm trying my best. You had touchdown, Temmie 17. I'm talking to you. I'm busting my butt for you, and all you do is complain.
Did you change the settings? No. I try to be a good worker. I keep my mouth shut when you run the same stupid blitz play over and over again, but I'm exhausted. Oh, OK. I'm sorry, Von. I'll send you to the bench for a few plays. No, don't do that. I can only do, like, three movements over there.
OK, what's going on, man? I don't know.
Come on, Gronk. I mean, are you even trying? I appreciate your frustration, but please be more constructive with your criticism, bro. OK, Gronk, well, you're blowing this for me. A good craftsman never blames his tools, dawg. This is going to be a long game. No.
Where's the defense? You know, why do you never ask, how was your day?
How's the chicken farm coming along? Did you even know I have a chicken farm?
What? Fungal?
Come on, that can't happen. I don't know how to happen this sometime, chief. Can't expect perfection in an imperfect world. I could recommend some literature for you.
Getting this close, Gronk. OK, next score wins. Thank God. Yes. Touchdown.
That's on you, Von Miller. I'm benching you next game. No, I need this job, boss. I need to put food on the table for my chickens.
You're not real. You're a simulation. Then why are you yelling at me? You know, statistically speaking, dude, humans are also likely to be living in a computer simulation versus the one true base reality.
Gronk's back.
Yeah. Touchdown. Look how fast I can move my legs. |
TheOnion | Aborted_Appraisal_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Alright, let's take a look at this. Yeah, this was down by the swimming area near the state park. It's like an old silverware center. I can see by the inscription at the base that this is the work of George Smith III, a late 19th century English silversmith. Don't stand up there! Yes, one of the true masters of British silver. The case is also beautiful, but I see it has sustained some damage.
You were using a backhoe? No, no, I just found it in the lake. I didn't dredge it. Oh, no. Is damage going to hurt the value?
Well, I'm sorry. I cannot say another word. Excuse me? I need you to pack this up and get out of here.
Wait, you can't appraise it? No, I certainly cannot! I am a dredge appraiser. This is not a dredged item.
I've already put myself at serious risk of litigation just by letting you into this gym. Not to mention what the dredgers union will say when they hear about this. Okay, at least give me someone to refer someone to appraise it. Sir, sir, I've tried being polite with you. Now I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that you vacate.
God! I'm sorry, I didn't...
This groupon thing was just a horrible idea. I could lose my license for this.
Oh, San Antonio would love that.
Well, I yanked up my clam shell, this being before I got a powered rig, and out comes nothing but clay. I'm sorry, I should have explained. I was dredging at Lake Cone, which everybody knows is all gravel, it being a man-made lake. So, yeah, it was clay instead. I'm sorry, I didn't do that very well.
What is the biggest rock? I'm not telling you anything that every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
dropout | which_is_nerdier_star_wars_or_star_trek | Captain, we're caught in some kind of tractor beam. Open a channel! I sense a presence I've not felt in a long time.
Nerds! Ah, you again. Look, we're not nerds. If we're nerds, you're nerds. Yeah, right. I'm a Sith Lord, and you're a bald guy in pajamas.
Can you do this? No, because that doesn't make any sense. If people can do that, why does anyone have a gun? Oh, because you have to have the reflexes of a force master. Oh, so you have to be magic then. That's dumb. Oh, okay, the force is dumb, but you beaming people all over the place, isn't it? It's science! We convert a person or object into an energy pattern through a process called a demi- Oh, there you go. Be a package I allow with bullshit pseudoscience.
We don't do that! Sir, we cannot compensate for the gravel metric interference. Not now, Jordy.
Oh, I feel like I'm in science class, but I'm getting dumber. Do you want to talk about pseudoscience, midichlorines then?
That doesn't count. How about politics? The Galactic Senate then? Doesn't count either.
Oh great, so tell me, what does count as Star Wars? The Clone Wars cartoon and the original three movies. Except the Ewoks.
They're dumb. Oh yeah, yeah, hilarious. Almost as hilarious as Star Trek V. We don't speak of the odd number of Star Trek movies.
That's weird, because it seems like all you do is talk. Your simple shoot-em-up mind just can't handle these complex, nuanced issues. Boring! Oh yeah, your stuff is so nuanced.
Be nice to Data and don't be racist to aliens. There, I solved Star Trek. It's far more intelligent than your dark side, light side nonsense. Star Wars is like philosophy for children. Yeah, sorry. We have to keep it simple to, you know, move the plot along and have some action. Star Trek has plenty of action. Captain, will you be attending my poetry reading later? God, Data, seriously. The only strong Star Trek character gets his ass kicked all the time. Enough! I won't sit here any longer and be insulted. Oh man, the Force rules. Oh, warps aren't so bad. Yes, yes, very funny, Lord Vader. But I'm afraid that while you were prattling on, we were collecting valuable information about your space station and have detected a weakness.
Your special effects are lame. That's not the point! Yes it is!
Hey, I'm Murph from College Humor. If you liked that video, click here to subscribe and click here to see more sketches. Yeah, they're sketches, not skits. And I'm a pretentious dickhead. |
dropout | the_guy_who_returned_to_facebook | Okay, Grant, I give up, tell me. This side's up. Ow! Yes! Oh, wow. Are they working on us this plus? Blake. Guys, Blake's back. What? He's here?
I thought he deleted his Facebook. I did. I deleted my Facebook just for a little while, and I gotta say, it really put everything into perspective.
Put everything into perspective? What was it like? I need to delete your Facebook just for a little while. You gain peace? Like, I don't know.
There's a whole world out there. Like, I read books and I saw movies. Whoa!
Yeah, but you don't need to delete your Facebook to do that. You can just, you can just do that. I guess just like a life without Facebook is a life that's pure?
Oh, no. I just feel like I can't breathe again. Does that make me sound lame?
No. Kind of. Not at all. Really? No, it doesn't.
I guess I am amazing. You sound so cool. You honestly are so cool right now.
I'm sorry.
How does leaving Facebook change your life so much? One more time. How does leaving Facebook change your life so much? One more time. How could leaving Facebook possibly change your life so much? One more time. Why does leaving Facebook?
That's a good question, Michael Trapp. Yeah.
Well, I just feel recharged. Like, these past nine days have really changed everything. Like, look, I haven't meditated.
Oh, my god! That's on your Instagram account. You know what? It doesn't matter. You're back on Facebook now, right? Yes. So, I kind of feel like you're just pretending you're better than everyone else. No. Blake! Oh. Like I said, I feel like you're pretending you're better than everyone else.
Like, instead of being on Facebook, I went on a hike.
Yeah, me too. Everything about that. I just said me too. Everything about that. Yes, I did it. Everything about that. Yes, I thought about it. Everything about that. I posted the pictures on Facebook. Everything about that. Yes. Did everything about that? Oh, my god! Did everything about that? Yes. Yes, I thought and I've done it.
How does he do it? What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're so cool. And sure, I reactivated my Facebook last week to check on some messages that I thought might be important. Fuck off. I think it's the best way to put it, is that I suddenly feel enlightened. No, I don't think that just because you deleted, I guess I'm floating.
No, no, no, no, what is that?
Hey, look, Blake's back. What a fun cameo.
Well, see you later, guys. Bye, Caldwell. I guess I did achieve enlightenment by paying off Facebook for a little bit. This is bullshit. I guess it's time for me to deactivate my Facebook again.
No, Blake, don't leave us. What do we do without your calming spirit?
Oh, my sweet Katie. My sweet Grant. The thing about my beauty. Oh, gosh.
No. Fuck.
Katie and Grant, remember, I'll always be on other apps. Also, I'll probably reactivate my Facebook again in a few weeks, just to make sure I'm not missing out on any cool events. You know, like an outdoor party, or like, I don't know, one of those city-wide festivals where it's like a scavenger hunt or something like that.
You're not better than me. Oh, I shit myself too. Why? Remember me. He was too good for our world. What up? Help me. |
dropout | midnight_talk_show_prank_ii | Let us break into his apartment and prank him by making him do a late night talk show. It was so much fun. We just had to do it again. We got a band. We got a special guest. We got all kinds of crazy surprises. It's the Late, Late, Late Show with Dan Gewich, featuring the late, late, late night band and a special guest.
No. All right, well, welcome back to the Late, Late, Late Show. Should I get a shirt on? You know what? No.
I'm happy with the way that I look. So how about those NBA playoffs, you guys? Kobe Bryant's. Now what do you think? I'm happy with the playoffs. You guys, Kobe Bryant's not what it used to be. Hey, is that Kobe Bryant or a 78-year-old man?
My band is booing me. And now a word from our sponsor. The Late, Late, Late Show is brought to you by a new stride spark, the ridiculously long-lasting gum with flavor you can feel and oomph you can taste. Back to you, Dan. Tonight's special guest is an animal expert. Please welcome Nick from Nick's Animal Adventure.
Shh.
Oh, you son of a bitch. What was that? What's happening? Come on. There we go. Well, hello. What the hell?
This is a miniature kangaroo, also known as a wallaby. These guys don't make good pets. For one thing, they need a lot of room. These guys can't be housebroken. What are the chances that there's a wallaby peeing in my bed right now?
Pretty good. And you know what kind of animal that is, right? We might be able to get it to say hello. Here we go. You want that? Say hello. There we go. Can you say hi? Hi. Can I get a receipt? Here we go. You're going to have to wake up to a whole bunch of salty sunflowers. Sure. No problem. I usually do.
This is one of the smallest monkeys in the world. Only monkeys in the world.
Sure. Let's see if we can go up any hint. Here we go. Whoa! Here we go.
Upstairs neighbor.
Wondering what the noises were. I told him you had a dog, and he said, that's not a dog. You hear that? You're not a dog. One of the reasons they don't make good pets is because these guys will only bond to one person. So that's why you get little love bites every now and then.
This is a panic box. This is the smallest box in the world.
There you go. She's going to try to burrow right under your arm. There we go. She's actually super, super, super soft against my bear chest. Very soft. Oh! She is an eight foot long Colombian red tail polo constrictor.
Would you like some Stride Spark? I think that's a yes! Would you? I would love some.
Thanks so much. Well, thanks so much Nate for coming in, and thanks to you guys for breaking into my apartment. I'll see you guys next time. |
TheOnion | DNC_Speech_I_Am_Proud_To_Say_I_Walked_In_On_Bill_And_Hillary_Having_Sex | I want to talk about love.
Everybody knows Hillary Clinton is the best person to lead this country, but her critics still like to pretend that she's cold and stiff. Well, folks, that's not the Hillary I know. It's not the Hillary I'm proud to call a friend, and it's certainly not the Hillary I once accidentally saw having sex with her husband, Bill Clinton. I've been friends with Hillary and Bill since the early days of Yale Law.
And one night in 88, when I was traveling in Arkansas, told me I could stay at the governor's mansion. By the time I got in, it was pretty late. I had had a few rounds, but I know Hillary and Bill. They stay up late working tirelessly for this country. So I figured if I see a light on, either that's my room or they're still up and I can say hello. Anyway, I'm stumbling down the hallway.
I don't remember what time it was, but I pop open the door and then there they are, going at it, loudly, swear to God, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, smacking together, naked intercourse, ladies and gentlemen, exactly as the Lord scripted it. I wish you all could have seen my good friends the way I saw them that night. It wasn't, you know, a painting, but it was two married people still in love, having sex like it was normal for them, like they had done it before and would do it again. Just like me and my wife, just like you and your wife, your husband, your partner.
Some people talk about Hillary like she's some kind of robot. But the Hillary I saw was nothing but flesh and sweat and hunger. Tell me, could a robot have sex like this? Well, there's no way. And even back in the late 80s, I could see Hillary was running the show.
She knows what she likes sexually and she knows what she likes for America. Now, I always saw it one time, but was it the only time? No, there was also the time they made Chelsea. So to those who would unsex this woman, who would rather say, not her, she's never going to have sex, I say to you at least two times, at least two times. I saw it and I believe it. America, you can believe it too. Now, I always saw it when I see Hillary was running the show. She knows what she likes sexually and she knows what she likes for America. Now, I always saw it one time, but was it the only time? No, there was also the time they made Chelsea. So to those who would unsex this woman, who would rather say, not her, she's never had sex, I say to you at least two times, at least two times. I saw it and I believe it. America, you can believe it too. Sex this woman who would rather say, not her, she's never had sex, I say to you at least two times, at least two times. I saw it and I believe it. America, you can believe it too. |
SaturdayNightLive | game_time_with_randy_and_greg_baseball_snl | Hello and welcome to another edition of Game Time with Randy and Greg! Your one-stop shop for sports Talk! I'm former Nfl Running Back Randy Dukes and with me as always is my co-host Greg. Greg is not an Alien and today we're gonna be talking about one thing Baseball.
We want to know who's got October Fever. So let's go to the phones. Our first caller is our old friend Eddie from York, Pennsylvania. Eddie. you're on game time. Yeah, how you doing? First off, Randy.
I gotta say you thought I was a chump for back in the Angels. Well, who's the chump now? Chump? who's the chump now? Chump.
All right, you got me. Yeah, Also, hey, what's it like working with an alien? Greg is Not an alien. let's move on to the next car. haha. Okay again, our topic is October Fever and nothing else. Next up is Josh from Brooklyn. Josh, you're on game time. Hey, yeah, let me say this. people say the Angels are gonna beat the Yankees because of team speed.
What planner are they from Greg's? Greg is from Earth. No, he's not question for Greg. Greg.
Do you come in peace? Or should we be ready for something? I'm sorry caller, but we have got to move on. Okay, easy Easy Baseball Club. You think we'll win the annual World Championships this year? Say what? I'll forget it.
I'm a scientist from Nasa. I want Access. Please. there's so much we can learn. Greg. Do you have water on your planet?
Once for no? Twice for yes. Wow. Is that a Yes? that's enough with the callers.
Yeah, I don't even don't know why we have callers on this show in the first. All right, it's time to bring out our first guess Before he was injured last season. he led the Blue Jays and saves and now he's here to give us his playoff picks. Please welcome Cal Sizzler! Thanks for having me on! I've never met a real-life alien before. What are your picks? Wait, I got a question. why don't you just call the show Greg the Alien? I mean, that's why folks watch it to hear him talking like look at the tail.
Jesus, I'm sorry, Greg. I'm sorry. Well, that was too many things to address. Join us next week for game time with Randy and Greg when we'll be talking baseball. I. |
dropout | apple_s_latest_innovation_copying_spotify | Apple revolutionized the music industry with the introduction of the iPod and now with Apple Music we present our greatest innovation yet, copying Spotify. Our developers looked at Spotify and asked themselves what works, what doesn't and then we said, it's all good, let's just take the whole thing and put our name on it. So how does Apple Music work? Imagine you're using Spotify. An unlimited library of songs streaming instantly. It's never been done before, 2008 when Spotify launched. But what makes Apple Music so special? Well, unlike Spotify, we will force you to download Apple Music whether you like it or not because you're our bitch. Say it, you're our bitch. Just like Spotify, Apple Music will have today's best music. Let's say you want to listen to the new U2 album. Well just say you do, it doesn't matter if you like them or not, just the hypothetical. We guarantee that Apple Music will be the easiest, most convenient way to stream music after we make it fucking impossible to use Spotify on any Apple product. Maybe we'll make it incompatible with our headphones or make Apple Music the default like we did with Google Maps.
Remember that? That's right. Go fuck yourself.
They're one of the best selling bands in the world. I mean, have you even heard Joshua Tree?
Thanks to copying, we can use half our manpower to bring you the services you need, even if you already have them. Our developers in Cupertino have been perfecting copying for years. Apple Pay copied Google Wallet. HealthKit copied Fitbit. We invented copying. |
TheOnion | Porn_Industry_Leaders_Announce_Immediate_Closures_Of_All_Orifices_The_Topical_Episode_45 | More major shutdowns being caused by the coronavirus pandemic today, as porn industry leaders announce the immediate closure of all orifices. Hear how long each and every hole is expected to be out of commission. And later, we may have some good news on the horizon, as scientists in Germany believe they may have found a cure for the novel coronavirus.
Oh, that's my pizza. One sec.
Hello?
Yeah, sorry, I'd prefer not to open my door since we're in quarantine. Yeah, if you wouldn't mind just sliding each slice individually through the mail slot, that'd really help me out.
Thanks. Mmm. Oh yeah, that's the good stuff. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Mmm. Stay with us. Mmm. Yeah, that's good.
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the easiest way to send and receive money. CashApp is so quick and simple, even the dumbest people in the world can figure out how to use it.
Hell, I bet a baby could figure it out. A dumb, stupid baby. You're not dumber than a baby, are you?
Social distancing practices have shut down the OPR offices, which means we're in day two of Topical broadcasts from the home of your host and friend, Leslie Price. So if it sounds like I'm not wearing pants, it's because no one is making me. But the podcasting industry isn't the only one being affected today. As per the CDC's recommendation, many of the world's most high traffic, high impact areas are being shut down to help stop the spread of coronavirus. At a press conference this morning, porn industry leaders announced they'd be doing their part to comply by ordering the immediate closure of all industry orifices until further notice. Take a listen. After much deliberation, the difficult decision has been made to order a nationwide shuttering of all slits, gashes, holes, and cracks until this global pandemic passes.
Effective immediately. That means you too, Rex. Zip it up. We have OPR's Marcy Hammonds on the phone from Los Angeles to unpack this morning's announcement.
Marcy, how are those in and around the rim of the porn industry reacting? Leslie, by all accounts, this is an indisputable nationwide boner kill. As you know, the porn industry employs tens of thousands of medical professionals, teachers, sitcom impersonators, cheerleaders, vampires, jocks, extraterrestrial sex robots, and everything in between, many of whom will have no place to bust their nut for weeks. Truly tragic.
What are industry leaders recommending the effective rock hard and soaking wet employees do to stay afloat? Well, officials say they always have the option of finishing themselves off at home or relocating their streams to safer splooge zones like the backs, tits, or necks of coworkers, private tutors, babysitters, and step-family members. But it's important to note they should only do so from at least six feet away. Thank God for that. Vivid Entertainment spokesman Anthony Yuford, who we heard from earlier, addressed his colleagues today, urging them to remain patient. Please, please keep your panties on, people. I know it's going to be very strange not coming into the orifices every day. But if we're not careful, we could very well be putting more at-risk milfs, dilfs, and gilfs in danger. And the more holes that we keep empty and unfilled now, the more holes we can guarantee will remain fully bangable for future loads. Wow, it's almost like him saying the orifices must remain closed is making me want to enter them more. You're not alone there, Leslie. My tank is fully loaded right now, myself. And what measures are being taken to ensure that these orifices are good to go when they reopen? All industry orifices will receive a thorough power washing before reopening, which I'm told is standard practice between carpet stainings anyway. And emergency lube supplies are on hand to guarantee maximum plowability the moment things go back to normal. That's certainly comforting. I'm sure that they're all downright throbbing to get back into the grind.
Is there anything consumers can do in the meantime to help support the industry? Yuford and his colleagues have set up a relief fund and are encouraging customers to think of these brave, hot workers, reach deep into their pockets, and pull out whatever they can find. Well, I'll make sure this donation lands in the right hands.
That's OPR's Marcy Hammond. Thank you, Marcy. Thank you.
Folks, we have some potentially game-changing news to report here now. Scientists at the German biotech company CureVac believe they've made major breakthroughs in developing a cure for the coronavirus.
Oh, that's my second pizza. I got hungry again, so I ordered another one. We'll get back to that coronavirus thing right after this. It coming!
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Sign up now and start communicating securely and online in 24 hours. BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. And with this special offer for topical listeners, you can get 10% off your first month. And after that first month, my family will return to me from upstate and we'll all be together again and everything will be back to normal and just how it should be.
I just know it. Anyway, just go to BetterHelp.com slash topical for 10% off. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P slash topical. Oh, man, I am stuffed. All right, let's see, what were we talking about?
Oh, yeah, the cure for coronavirus. So yeah, the German company CureVac believes they've found a cure and are close to developing a vaccine. But how effective is it and how long before it can be administered to you and those you love? Franz Boelen, the CureVac biochemist responsible for the breakthrough, joins us to answer these and many other important questions as soon as I give him a call.
Hmm, doesn't seem to be picking up. Huh, I wonder if he meant 2 p.m. his time? What time is it in Germany? Oh, well, we can try him again some other time.
Still got a lot of other news to get through anyway. Here's what else you need to know today.
Uh, sorry, folks, bear with me a sec here. I'm having to work off my personal computer today. I was trying to keep myself entertained earlier and was throwing around my work laptop like a Frisbee and I guess I got a little too into it. Should just be another minute. Password?
Ah, shit. I think it's... Fuck. Ah, well, uh, ah, fuck it.
Here's what else you need to know today. Uh, let's see, I believe I read something about more NASA budget cuts today. NASA officials believe the reallocation of funding away from the agency could mean more astronauts will have to go into space without helmets. No one at NASA is really sure how this will affect space travel, since they also don't have the money to run any tests to see how not wearing a helmet in space affects one's head. But the changes are expected to happen no matter what as early as 2021.
And some other scientists, not from NASA or anything, just normal ones, believe they've successfully taught sign language to snakes, probably. The snakes aren't, like, fully capable of speaking in sign language, but the scientists are pretty sure they get what's going on for the most part.
And finally, a recent study has found that there are 356 floorboards in the average living room, if my living room is average. Personally, I think it qualifies as a little above average. And considering how dark and cramped it is, I think I've done a really nice job brightening up the space.
And that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. Thanks again for sticking with us. The thought of all your faces out there is really the only thing keeping me going, and I hope I can provide you all with the same sense of comfort. Before we go, I'd like to leave you all with this final thought. Once you're dead, you're dead, and coronavirus won't be able to hurt or frighten you anymore. So cheer up. We'll see you right back here tomorrow. |
dropout | I_m_Gay_for_My_Living_Billionaire_Jet_Plane | I'm your host, Jess Ross. The other host is here too.
It's Rekha! Hello, Rekha's here.
Thank you so much for joining us. Whether you are listening on wherever you get your podcasts, whether you're checking it out a week later on YouTube or on YouTube, I'm really excited to be here. I'm really excited to be here.
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Boom. Peachy Keen, just got my friend into this show and it's been so fun reliving past episodes as she texts me about it. She really loves Jess's chaotic mom energy. Yay, we did too! Also, welcome back. Rekha waves arms back and forth. Yay! Rekha's done about 10 times so far.
If you're listening, yeah. Just listening, not watching.
And then 7th Bard, I basically joined the Discord just to say that if this book club never covers a Chuck Tingle title, I absolutely will die. Will we have brought you back to life, baby? Because that is what we are doing today. Boo! Woo! There's also a very funny Leland and Marcus D20 fanfic erotica happening. That was hot as hell. If all y'all want to write a Maggie Johnfather's one, I'm not mad about it. Ooh! Let Maggie buck an eagle! So do that. But today we are here to get to, what was it, 7th Bard's request. We write a Chuck Tingle book.
I'm gay for my living billionaire jet plane. And of course, as always, we need some experts to be able to dive into the subtle nuances of a piece like this. So with us, we have an expert from a plane family.
Yes. Jordan. Yes. Jordan, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me.
Now your family is planes, they fly planes. How does this work? So some of my family is planes, and some of my family, most of my family actually works for different plane things. Wow, so you have a diverse array of plane experience. Yes, all different types of jobs, all airlines, types of planes.
Interesting. Did you find this book, as you were reading it, it was kind of like the pages of your journal? It was, absolutely.
I said, wow, other people know about the plane's asshole under the- Usually that's just a family secret. That's just a family secret, yeah. The family pushes family secret.
Yeah, that's so incredible. Thank you so much for being here.
We also have another expert with us today, Alexis. Now Alexis, you are a plane passenger expert.
You've been on a plane recently? I have, yeah, I flew here today. Wow, incredible, and what was it like, tell us reading this book and also knowing what it's like to be a plane passenger. Yeah, just having that perspective on what it means to fly through the air and reading it and knowing that other people have had that too, I felt pretty seen. Cool, and do you also kind of, when you're a passenger on a plane, do you think about that dichotomy of I might be going to work, I'm going for a job somewhere, but this plane is also at work?
Yeah, which is a really horny thought, I think. Yeah, yeah, working together with your hubby. Help me help you, you know? Yeah, exactly.
The few times I've flown on a plane for work, I just feel like the most grown-up girl in the world. I feel like such a bad bitch.
I'm like, oh, sorry, they need me elsewhere. I didn't pay for this ticket. Well, I did, but I'm being reimbursed in at least six months, so. Yeah, I'm in the middle seat in economy.
Yeah. No thinking. Step aside. Step aside, I need to use the bathroom.
Um, all right, so if you have not had the pleasure of reading I'm Gave for My Living Billionaire, Jet Plane, we will let you know the characters we'll be talking about. There's just two, really. I guess three if you count the plane's gardener, but there is, I forgot.
He's there. He is there. There's a tense scene.
A human gardener.
Everywhere a plane. I know. This is a loop landing. Or like a helicopter, which is like a lesser plane maybe. Yeah, that's cute.
We have Keith, the passenger airplane. He can carry 400 people. And then we have Alex, the man. The man passenger, who is on his way from New York to LA, which we all know what that journey's like. We know exactly what it's like.
He said a red eye, though, and I can't find many red eyes from New York to LA. It's usually LA to New York. The red eye, it's not a red eye because you go back and time-wise or whatever.
So it's like, there's a 9 p.m. Wow, this is so boring. I know. I really want to know. There is like a 9 p.m. flight in New York that gets in at like, so what, like 11 p.m. here? Basically, because I've taken that.
Because when we ran into each other, we ran into each other at the airport once. I was coming from New York. You were coming from Philly. Yeah, so I was on a red eye and I didn't even know it. Because that was like an 850 flight. That was the flight I saw Pauly Shore and Saul on.
Yeah. Wow. Yeah.
And they talked, well, I don't have to get into it. I mean, Pauly Shore came up to Saul. And Saul didn't know who he was. It was really sad. Wait, came up to who?
To Jigsaw. To Jigsaw?
And I don't know his real name, so. Was he, wait, no. He wasn't wearing the Jigsaw costume. Regular man outfit. He was the old man. From Jigsaw. That's insane. And he just knew what the old man looked like?
Saul was sitting right next to me. And Pauly Shore was across the way. And he, I could see Pauly Shore eyeing up Jigsaw. And Kate went to the bathroom. And then he walked over and he was like, hey man, huge fan. And you could tell Pauly Shore really wanted Jigsaw to know who he was.
And he kept dropping hints like, yeah, I was in like Bio Dome. My mom owns the whatever store. And he was like, okay, yeah. And I was like, oh God.
This is exactly the kind of foreplay that can go wrong or go well right before a flight like this. Yes, exactly. Yes, the foreplay at the gate. We all are well aware. Oh yeah.
The will they, won't they?
Can you see it, the plane taxiing up? For me? Will it need to be de-iced or is it ready? So we have Alex on this plane on a red eye from New York to LA.
And there aren't many people on the flight. And he mentions like, if there were more people it wouldn't be as big of a deal that there's a lot of turbulence on this flight. But there aren't very many people so he has this thought to himself about like, what if I die? And he goes, right now I don't think many people would miss a plane filled with just me. Oh, he does, he says he doesn't believe in God but if more people are on the plane it would be a crueler God if it goes down. It's true. He's having like some dark thoughts on this plane. Like the idea of no, if I was on a flight that was mostly empty, people carrying less that that flight went down because only like one person died or whatever. I think that would be huge news if a plane with one person on it and a full crew. But do you think it's the novelty of why would this plane only have one person? That's how when I really knew that this was erotic fiction was that you're on a plane with almost no people on it.
And that it would upset you. I'd be like, I'm sleeping across this whole thing.
I love when nobody's on the plane. Every plane I'm on, they're like, we gotta take your bags, there's too many people. They're just over a minute the same.
My friend was on a flight from Burlington International Airport, or is it an international, whatever. Burlington Extremely Local Airport. And he said he got a text in the morning the day of his flight that was like, we've canceled the flight, not enough people are on it or whatever.
That's what I would have assumed. That's crazy. You can't. It's not, that is so crazy. You gotta fly it. It's like movies and planes. It goes anyway. You can't, it's too expensive. But that is so inconvenient, allegedly for the Burlington Airport to do, anyway.
So yeah, so there's a bunch of turbulence and he's really freaking out. He's not having a good time on this flight.
And then he hears this voice, this calming voice, hey man, it's gonna be all right. And I'm imagining smooth as butter. Smooth jazz. Yeah, kind of like a, well, only when we said it right now. In the book, I kind of just imagined another derpy man's voice. But I'm like, actually, that's kind of like a sexy, like a Barry White, hey man, it's gonna be all right. That's kind of hot.
Did you guys cast Keith as anyone in mind? The voice of Keith?
The plane. Maybe like an Idris Elba.
Ooh! Yeah. Idris gets cast a lot on Erotica Club, yeah. Yeah, it's the like British voice and he's like very baritone. I love that. I'm in good hands. Yes.
Wow, I feel like I did this wrong because I pictured him as more of like a frat bro, which is not necessarily sexy at any time. No, the way he was talking. Like Adam Devine. I agree because I'm only thinking now I'm like, if I think I'm like recasting my mind for him to be sexier.
Because I agree, the dialogue is written like, hey man, what's up? Hey man, hey bro, listen buddy. Yeah, it's written very much like a, your brother.
He is as we find out later too, a blackjack player. And when I think of like. No, a blackjack cheater. But his job is to cheat at the card counter. Oh, that is true, he's a card counter.
And he's made billions off of it. Billions, multiple billions. That's how he's a billionaire. Can that happen? I don't think you can make billions.
Certainly not from card counting. If you say your job is a card counter, you're like. That's not a job. Yeah, you're like.
It's illegal, isn't it? Your job is getting kicked out of casinos. He goes to jail. Can I say, I do think it is crazy that that's illegal.
Because that's kind of just game. To me. It's gamesmanship.
I think that that's like crazy. You've made a science into gambling. So like, you figured out gambling. I don't think that that should be, I don't know. It just reminds me of the press your luck when like that guy figured out. The casino's allowed to take advantage of you but you can't take advantage of the casino. It also feels like if they were like, you're too good at painting. You're gonna go to jail if you paint really well. It's crazy. It feels like if you were too good at math and you figured it out. I get that you're taking money but if you're good at stocks. Yeah, I guess it's like you're taking advantage of other people who don't know how to do it.
But then. There's gotta be a YouTube video. 100%. And we should just learn how to do, everyone should just learn how to do it or we should just stop gambling. It's like how I can't be mad at everyone else for knowing how to contour. I wish that.
It should be, you should be arrested if you know how. You shouldn't be able to do it because I haven't learned how to do it. You should be arrested. And you have an advantage. According to Alexis, you should be arrested if you know how to contour.
I would agree, thank you. So he is calming Alex down, reassuring him everything's gonna be okay. Turbulence is totally normal.
And then this part, I actually found this exchange with Keith and Alex very cute. Of all the erotica we've read, it's like the most kind of meet cutie. And they meet kind of in a nice way where he's helping him out and being reassuring and sweet. He turns on his little air vent for him. They have a little chit chat. Have you been flying commercial for long? I do find this chit chat, I laughed at it.
Because the book is 30 pages maximum and it's a loose definition of a page. And for so much of the page space to be taken up by like, I'm the plane you goof.
Whoa, really? Don't worry, I get this all the time. You do? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Sure. I'm like what?
Show me the dick. Where's the dick?
We're really not economizing words in this very short story. Maybe just remind me of most conversations I have. No, I mean it was very real.
Cool, great. Yeah. You? Yeah. I like it too. Sorry, what'd you say? That felt funny to me. How long have you flown commercial is also a funny question for Alex to ask the plane. Yeah.
As if the plane used to be something else. Air Force One. Private jet or something, it became a commercial plane.
Or like a server. Yeah.
The world were so confusing. They were really switchy.
Like what the scale of this plane was and like how anthropomorphized it was. Yes, and also it was just like, he was like oh, it's the plane you goof. And he was like, of course.
I was such an idiot. I'm so stupid, yeah.
And it's like, wait, are all things just like things but with human dicks? I don't know, like what are the rules of this world?
In your plane experience, how does it normally work? So in my plane experience, normally they're typically just classic commercial jets.
That's what they were built for. They stay in their lane. They're not trying to do anything else. They're not trying to fuck?
You know, I'm not allowed to talk.
How many planes have you seen fully erect? Oh my God. If your flight is not delayed, your plane is fully erect. Oh, wow. Wow. No idea.
Okay, and Alexis on the passenger side, like how has this sort of pertained to your experience? Yeah, well normally when I go inside a plane, I'm very aware of being both inside and outside of it knowing that I am maybe in its maw but also that its butthole is nearby. Yeah. Cool. In its maw. So I feel like, it's sort of like a Jonah and the whale situation. Yeah, cool. Where I've been both swallowed up by the plane and also close to its pleasure center. That's awesome. Yeah, do you think, now that you said air vent, I'm like, is that a butthole?
Oh, a nipple. Oh, like it's like a little piggy. Yeah, it's a pig. All the way down, it's a pig. Oh my God. And then when you get to first class, the pig's teeth are a little farther apart. So it has 400 nipples and it's a 400 person one. Yeah. And that's not even including the pilot. Those piglets are getting a lot of milk.
And just one butt. Wow. Just one butt.
Maybe it doesn't poop out of that butt, right? Well, what is the cockpit? Do we think that's like the, I don't think it exists for humans. The luggage would be its poop. The luggage would be, yeah. Yeah, at the end of every flight, it's like, the plane's like, get this out of me. When it takes a while, it's constipated. Yeah, and when your luggage goes to another place, it's, what does that mean? It means, oh, maybe the cockpit is the prostate.
That's actually, I think that's true. I think it is.
So maybe a female plane would not have that cockpit. A cockpit?
Maybe all planes are male. All planes are male.
And all cats are female. Women, all cats too.
Okay. Incredible. This is making more sense. Actually, I get it. Oh, I'm so stupid. How did I not see that? It's so obvious now.
It's like a little piggy and it's a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The idea of it being a piggy is very cute. I actually really like it. Like it better than it being a plane? I don't know if sex is a plane than a piggy.
Excuse me, you don't think Kumba would be a terrific lover? I don't know. I haven't seen The New Lion King yet. Allegedly. They haven't seen allegedly the lion supposed king. I have seen it and I won't comment on how generous Seth Rogen is with the Kumbas.
So the flight lands and Keith was reassuring it would be a safe landing and it was. And then he's like, hey, you know, I'm gonna be in LA. We should like hang out. Maybe I'll show you card counting. Which is such a psychotic like extra thing. Not even like, I'll take you on a ride. Like something very obviously romantic. It feels like built in to the idea of being a plane.
Like I could take you over the Grand Canyon. Show you anything. I can show you the world, literally.
Kind of like an Aladdin. I thought that's true. A legit Aladdin. It's like, I can show you how to count cards. Some salty fucking crow. I do like it though because it's kind of a practical skill.
I mean if this got him to be a billionaire, I would love like if this hot dude was like, oh, I'm gonna teach you how to do this thing where you'll get rich too. I'd be like, awesome. Yeah. Totally. Yes, so he teaches him how to. Okay, so.
He gives him the address. He gives him his address and then Keith shows up and it's a Beverly Hills like mansion. Yes, he's like going up the hills and he's like, ooh, it's getting nicer and nicer. And he was like, am I really led to believe a plane can afford a Beverly Hills?
It's weird elitism. Yeah, the elitism is the logic.
It's like, okay, so you can conceptualize a plane owning and fitting into a house. It's just that like affording it is the like. But he's a billionaire.
Yes. Well, he already told you. He didn't tell him. Yes. You have class, you didn't tell him.
And he's like, I'm sorry. Is Keith here? And the gardener's like, hmm. He's by the pool in the back. Who was that plane by? All by yourself? That's, hmm.
It was like a Forest Whitaker. Yeah, it's Forest Whitaker.
He quietly, hmm, he's in the back. He's an under five. He has no words. And then the idea, even that again, that idea of like, he's in the back. I was like, is he stationed in the back?
Is there like a? A runway? A runway in the back. Or does he just hop up?
Yeah, exactly. I instantly saw it, as written. I saw like this infinity pool, like right on the edge of a cliff and him just like lounging next to it. So insane. I could not picture it though. This is gonna sound crazy, but I imagined him like more like cartoony. Yeah, like a JJ the jet plane. Yeah, or like, do you remember the Microsoft paperclip that had the big eyes on it? Yeah, clippy, big eyes, clippy. Yeah, I imagine the plane looking like, kind of like that paperclip, if that makes sense at all. Sure. No, it's like a mix of cartoon and the real object, kind of. I think that's what I had in mind too. Yeah, but I could see him like just.
Yeah, lounging. With abs, as we come to find. So he looks across the backyard, sees him. And he goes, whoa, he's shirtless.
That was funny to me, because I was like. Honestly, I really loved that. I was like, you understood him to be wearing a shirt when you saw him before. Was it like, like if you were wearing like a skin suit. It's a shirt that says like Alaska. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's so funny.
But they take that off? They take that off when he's at home?
Alaska Airlines shirt, hang it up. With the like Inuit person logo on it. So is he like Winnie the Pooh then, no?
No bottoms. No bottoms?
Hot. Oh yeah, maybe not. Always dip it in the honey. Or maybe it was like a long shift. Like a long.
A shift dress. Oh yeah, a shift dress.
Oh my god, if he's wearing an Alaska Airlines Moo Moo. That is so cute. It's very cute.
Wait, I just have to comment on the tragedy that this plane owns a house, but cannot fit inside of it. That part was very sad. He's like, I'll give you the tour. But I couldn't.
This is it, yeah. Yeah, so I hang out by the pool. I'm like, why did you buy a house? Does the gardener live in the house? I don't know. The house is for all his passengers, much like the inside, his beautiful luxury interior. Right?
All that like delicious food, like the stuffed shells or whatever. I'm thinking the first class food. Oh no. The like wine. Stuffed shells? Oh no. Delicious. Oh, chicken spinach, I don't know, whatever.
The hot plate of food and the vanilla ice cream sundae they give you. That's all for the people inside, but what does he get to enjoy? Yeah, just company and high caliber gambling.
Does he wear pajamas? Aww, Alaska Airlines Snuggie. A little Snuggie.
That's very, or he gets the like eye mask with the like earplugs. Aww, and the little lashes on them that are closed. Yeah, he takes it out of his stomach. Oh yeah, and stitches them all together. Yeah. Or his little slippers. Yeah.
That's extremely cute. Okay, I like that. Keith is very cute.
I did find myself, I don't know if anyone else, well no one else was really taking notes like this, but anytime I would write the plane did this, I'd go back and erase it and write Keith. I was like, I don't want to be like offensive to this plane.
Yeah. Sorry, I think you mean gay plane though. Yeah, but they do announce the sexuality of everybody at like every instance. It's like this hot gay plane and his hot gay abs. Yeah, especially when it gets into the sex part. Yeah.
My gay little ass. Which reminded me of the bathhouse one where he always has to preface his butt as being like my tight little teenage asshole.
Yeah. Oh no. Oh no. Which if a teen wrote it was okay by me, but if like an older man wrote it, I was like ew. Yeah. So if a plane wrote this, I'm okay with it, but like if a plane didn't write this, I feel it's problematic. Yeah, for sure.
So they're hanging out out back. They are definitely kind of feeling each other and then they finally kind of make a move. They're like oh it looks like you could use some sunscreen. Which is.
The plane needs sunscreen. This was probably my favorite part, that the plane needs sunscreen.
And I liked, cause he like takes out his bottle and he's spreading it and he goes, I realized it's still probably not enough to cover the entire plane. Which I was like, you think, Alex? You think like a little bottle of Coppertone is not enough to cover a whole plane?
Sunscreen goes fast just for me. I feel like I really go through, especially the spray stuff.
Yeah. And I am not a plane. Just for people who can't see. Yeah, if you're listening to this. If you're not a Dropout subscriber, you might not feel it at all. You might not know Jess is not a plane.
I do go vroom, vroom all the time. Just like a plane still. They're always rubbing their engine in the sky. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.
And then as he is kind of lotioning him up, he realizes that the plane gets a boner. The plane is lower, lower, and he keeps telling him to rub lower down to the boner.
Here's this perspective question I have for everyone. Tell me the scale of this boner you're imagining. Okay, I think that was the most pressing question this whole thing. Because at first he's like, wow, this plane's dick is massive. So I'm like, okay, it's the size of an orca whale's dick. You know what I mean? Because it's like.
It would be even bigger than that. A plane is bigger than a whale, no? I think a whale is bigger than a plane.
But that felt similar. But then you couldn't get fucked by. I could not get fucked in the ass by a whale's dick. I couldn't. I would die. We read a book called Wet for Nessie that had similar scale issues where I was like, these people are gonna be teared in half by this thing.
So I also pictured it almost like, okay, if the wings are arms. Right, that's how I felt too. And they're mentioned as much. He gets cradled at one point. And my dick is about as long as my arm. Yes. Same. So I was like, okay, if a dick is this big compared to my arm or something, who knows, right? That's generous. Is this the scale that you're supposed to use?
I'm talking a wreck dick. No, Rekha's showing like, this is like a seven inch that we're working with here. Damn. I'm talking like an wreck dick.
Rekha's showing her wingspan. Your wingspan is your height. So okay, so proportionally, this thing is still too big for like a human orifice. I imagined almost like, either somewhere between this big or like even bigger.
No. Just like a whale dick. Yeah. Like the propeller barrel thing.
I thought maybe he'd have to like. You couldn't fit that inside you. So then it means it has to be a big dick for a human man, which would look stupid. But then it would look so tiny on him that it would just be like, boop. But think about how small the butthole was.
That is true. That's different though. It is different. And if it does have these little pig nipples inside that are like this big, which is like, that's large for a nipple. This is a fair example. But. This isn't canon.
Pig nipples. In porn, there are people who have like pretty large nipples.
Oh yeah. Also in real life. In real life too. Well, are those people? Not real.
It is still sort of within the realm of like, possibilities. So it's just like kind of all over the place. So I'm like, I think I'm led to believe this is a large human sized dick by the end of this like, erection sort of scene. What he has to do with it would make me believe that. Or what he says he does with it.
A 747 with like an eight inch dick. Yeah. And also, human male testicles. Yes, it had balls. It had massive cock and balls. Because of what comes out, you know. Say again? I think maybe the balls are what's really big to hold everything. So it's really tiny. But maybe they're inside. Like Mickey Mouse ears. Okay. Oh, the balls are inside. Maybe. For a dick that we now understand to be like, normal size for a human, to produce all that spunk would be like, maybe big, big, inner ball. All that spunk. Yeah.
We can't sing the rest. We can't sing any more. Sorry. We can't sing any more of the actual lyrics to that song.
So what is the equivalent of, I'm trying to also like, cause in my mind I was also trying to translate it into plain lingo, but they were just fully inserting human genitalia onto a plane. Cause I was like, oh, the oil is in an engine. Right. Maybe he would get oil on him. Okay.
But when the plane comes on him, he's like, oh, it was all over my face. All over. But if a plane came on you, it would be all over your butt. It would be like that Ghostbuster scene where all that slime gets on your, whoever gets on your face. That is like, again, that's like we're switching between human and plane.
Yeah. And also the plane stood up before it came. And blocked the sun. I did love that imagery. How ominous. Presumably the whole neighborhood's like, there he goes. You can see how long they're standing up and again. Like the Borgata, like a fountain shell. And then the gardener has to take a little break.
Cause he's like, I can't see anything right now. I can't see what I'm clipping.
Yeah. That gardener must be like a hazmat suit. Yeah. Completely.
So Keith is, the balls and cock are revealed and he starts jerking them off. He gives, what he describes as the best hand job of his life.
Post.
Which is also funny cause like, and maybe this is me. I'm like, can I really decide if it's the best hand job? I'm not the one receiving it. Hand jobs are also just fine I think. Oh yeah. I think they're just fine for everyone.
It seemed also a little, like it would be a little dry or like a little something. Cause it's just like no lube. Just like, kind of like.
And also he's been out in the sun all day. Yeah. I would have touched that metal. You know he still has sunscreen on his hands. Yeah. So he's jerking the plane off. With sunscreen he's gonna get a urinary tract infection. Oh. Sure.
He can't fly. The plane has to drink all the cranberry juice cans inside of it.
And keep it. Yeah. So Alex is going to town on it. Then he starts to suck him off. Yeah.
Which also impossible for me to imagine cause I was still like flipping between like engine size, like propeller size, like dick. And I was like, your mouth. Wow. This incredible.
And he's sucking sunscreen off his dick. Sunscreen was the, kind of the hardest part for me.
Yeah. For me it was the heat of hot metal. Like in the sun. Imagine putting a seat belt buckle. Oh yeah. It would be mentally. In your mouth. That was very vivid. Into your mouth.
I don't like that. I don't like your guys thoughts about it being a propeller because you might get chopped up. Yeah. Rekha likes that. That's the risk when you're in a plane baby.
So he's gagging, grasping for air. Then he gives it to him in his little gay asshole. And then he also. His words. And then he says, now I want to fuck you. Right? And he wants to fuck Alex. And eventually what? He, yeah he puts it in his asshole. And then he says, but I want you to finish in my cockpit. Yeah. Well no he says finish in me. And he's like, how does that even work?
There's also a funny moment where he slaps his butt with his wing. And I didn't think that was funny.
That would hurt. If a plane went flicking across the the infinity pole. Like a golf ball against the window like a bird. And slide down.
The gardener's like, I shouldn't have used all that window. Cause I didn't even see that that was closed.
And then he opens his door. He says come inside me. And he's like, where where? And he opens up the door.
I loved this part. And then he's like, where do you want it? On the seat, on the, you know where. And Keith loved that. Yeah he loved it. Keith loved a little creativity on the part of his partner. Maybe like everyone else he's been with is like, here I go. He's like, what do you want?
They just suck off the nipples. Like anyone would. They go up and down the aisles sucking off the little nipples. Like a dentist. It would be a dentist. Suck all 400 of my nipples. Oh so, making your mouth so dry. Putting the tray tables up and down.
He's like, I actually don't like that. You just see it in porn. Yeah you just see that in porn. That's unrealistic. Someone's like, you like that?
No one reads my magazines ever. Yeah read my magazine.
Or poop in my bathroom. Poop in my bathroom.
So he decides he wants to come in the place of honor, the cockpit chair. And when he goes into the cockpit, that's where he finds the butt hole? Yeah. I was confused. It was the captain's chair, but then the butt, where's the butt hole on the thingy? This is a good, actually it's a question for both of you. Have you visited a cockpit and have you visited a cockpit?
I have. I have as well.
Did you see a butt hole? Isn't your like the barometric pressure thing or like the whatever air pressure thing? It's weird because all of it kind of looks like a butt hole. I mean every knob and thing is like generally butt hole size, butt hole shaped. So it's confusing. Yeah so maybe it's like only if you actually know. Like every. It's like Indiana Jones. Yeah. I think the butt hole only appears when you're looking for it and know that you want it. Yeah so anytime they can hear you that goes in there, it's like actually just changing the like speed of the plane or the direction. But only the person who deserves it is like. Is that a butt hole?
Yeah. Whoa. Yeah.
And also when the plane wants to reveal it I feel like. They open their cloaca and then reveal the butt hole. Like it blossoms open and inside is the butt hole. That's cute. That's another way it's kind of human is like if I don't want you to see my butt hole.
You won't. You literally won't.
Yeah. Like me.
I've never seen any of yours.
With little pants. Yeah. With little pants. A little underwear.
He comes in the incredibly tight butt hole of Keith and then yeah then he I guess gets out and then we have the looming over him towering over me. Like a giant silver dildo blocking the sun. It's so interesting to describe your whole partner as a dildo. Yeah. Also if my dildo blocked the sun.
I feel pretty good about myself. I'd be scared. I feel powerful.
You can't look. You think you can look because it's being blocked but.
It's like an eclipse? Yes.
You have to wear this bunch of glasses. You have to wear those glasses.
And then he jerks him off oh with his wing as well. Oh yeah. If a wing was touching my vagina. Again, hot wing. Yeah. And he's very dexterous though because he can hold cards. Yes. Wow. I didn't even think about that. You know that little flap that comes up when it's flying? Oh that's when he puts the card in.
The fingers. Sorry. Those are the fingers.
So that's what he has wrapped around him and it's like this? It's so hurtful. I know. It's too many edges or metal edges. The book really makes you think. It does. It is sort of like a physics problem. Yeah. And I like this part too. It was like now that all the sexual tension is out of the way so they're all done. Then they notice that they still have this real chemistry together. And I thought that that was really cute. Yes.
And he's like you wanna learn blackjack? I'll teach ya for real. This could be your whole profession. And he's like yeah I'll quit my job. And they're like let's go to Vegas.
Which is, that happened so fast that it was like I didn't even see that. That was the end of the book because it was like wait a minute.
You just met him and you're like I'll quit my job? You're here for work.
Yeah, I thought there was gonna be a chapter with him in Vegas. I was like ooh this is about to get wild. So it left me wanting more. I could have used another sexual encounter to be honest. Because I was just sort of learning about the rules of the world. You were so wrapped up in trying to figure out that mouth. I would have wanted to see how the plane would suck him off.
Yeah, where's the plane's mouth? Yeah, does the plane have a mouth?
How's he talking? How's he talking, yeah.
Where is the mouth? The front. Well his nose is like the pointy part of the top. We all can agree. The nose is the pointy point. The pointy point in the front.
And then his eyes are the windows. The eyes are the windows.
He's almost like a shark. But his asshole secretly is where his brain would be. Wow. Because his asshole's in the cockpit. Wow, yeah.
And his dick is on the outside of his skin. And his nipples are inside his throat. And he eats through the back. And he poops through the luggage.
And he loves through. And he's a billionaire, but he loves his job. And he continues to do it.
But he has to fly only where they tell him. Only where they go. And off you go.
Oh my god. So that is the end of the book. As we said, this was a short one. And it clearly left us wanting more. So we decided to have another round of fan fiction. Or not fanfic, but our own fanfic. Our own erotica with an object. Yes, that we've written about an object of our choosing.
Would anyone like to start us off? I don't mind starting. Oh wow, OK, here we go. OK.
So I won't even tell you which object I chose. But this is my erotica.
We'll see if you get it. We'll see if you get it, if you guess.
The orchestra was playing as the ship went down. I couldn't believe it. The unsinkable ship, the luxury liner, the big boat was going down. The big boat. We had hit an iceberg that no one saw coming. At least, I thought no one saw coming. I rushed into the captain's quarters demanding answers. But he and his shipmates had fled. The wheel turned back and forth as the boat fought every offer to capsize. I almost thought I heard someone say, don't kill my vibe.
What? Who's there?
I shouted. And seemingly from nowhere and everywhere, I heard, it's me, the Titanic, you slut. Slut? Excuse me, I scream. I was a dignified woman. How dare you say that about me?
Why don't you stop focusing on insulting me and start focusing on not splitting yourself in half? Splitting myself in half is exactly what I'm trying to do.
The Titanic replied, I'm fucking this iceberg. It all came into focus. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. Here I was, one of the only educated women in my family. And I thought the Titanic hit an iceberg. But really, it was getting hit by that iceberg. It made perfect sense. I was a fool to think otherwise.
Well, you're sinking everybody aboard this ship, I blurted. I'm sinking them unless they want to join the Titanic coup.
This can be a group thing, you know. What? Was the Titanic asking me to have sex? I tried to exit the idea from my mind and yet let it linger. So the Titanic said, are you in or are you out to sea? I thought about it.
I hadn't had sex since my husband slowly passed away from jaundice. Slowly? From jaundice?
Even the thought of it was making me wet. Or is that the ocean lapping against my clit? The water is high already.
If I got to here. How did you stand there? OK, I said, I'm in.
And just like that, the Titanic lurched forward, sending me through the captain's door and onto the deck. I clung for dear life as my body slid against the hard wood of the ship. Sliding, sliding down the canted broken angles of its body toward its front and off the railing. I clung for dear life, legs dangling above the iceberg. And that's when I saw it. The unsinkable ship had an unthinkable dick. Yes. A massive throbbing cock was plowing into the iceberg ahead, the iceberg moaning in pleasure. What I thought was ocean water breaking through the lower deck was, in fact, iceberg cum. I slid right on top of the Titanic's dick, which was almost double the size of my body. And harder than even the wrought iron bedpost in my cab. I felt my clit engorge getting wetter by the moment as I bobbed back and forth between the iceberg's tight asshole and the Titanic's wet taint. I unbuttoned my dress coat, undid my corset, and released my perfect breasts, bouncing perfectly. Damn, Titanic, the iceberg said.
You didn't tell me she had brown nipples. Fucking finally. All our books have only had white women.
Let's enter her, the Titanic said. Let's enter her.
Oh, no. A knowing mischievous smile forming across its pouty lips. I flipped around to face the Titanic, whose massive steel boobs were jiggling in my face. The iceberg grabbed me from behind by my nipples, so cold and so right, as the Titanic plowed into my bow. Its dick so massive, yet perfectly suited to my slick vagina. I sank into the waves of ecstasy in the waves of the Atlantic, wondering if I'd ever make it out alive, but at least knowing I'd die having felt alive for the first time.
Whoa. Wow. Great. I'm going to slip off my dang chair right now. Oh, my god. That's beautiful. I wrote this in a lift on the way to work today. And I was like, this guy next to me, it's a shared. He's going to see what I'm writing. Whoa. That was incredible.
Maybe he was doing the same thing. He was doing the same thing.
Is this in the same universe as the film? Yeah, let's say yeah.
So I dropped the necklace into the ocean and shit, and then she becomes old.
That's you. You're Rose? I'm Rose. I'm Brown Rose. Whoa. Two colors. I'm Brown Rose. I'm Rose Gold.
Oh, my god. Do you live? Do we know? I think I live.
Wow. I think the ship saves me and only kills those who don't want to fuck. Fair. Wow. A very tough but fair ship. Yeah. Wow. That was incredible. Thank you. Beautiful. Would anyone else like to go next? Sure. Mine's shorter and less majestic. Also, that took place in the 19-teens. Mine, yeah. That's fun. Yeah. A period piece.
Good for you being so educated in your family. That's exactly why I said it. I was like, I'm the educated woman in my family.
I'm a brown woman that was aboard the ship that wasn't made to work.
Hell, yeah. And you had a house coat and a corset, which is very high society. It's famously called the big boat. It's a feel good story. OK.
This has a, I'm not going to tell you who the protagonist is here, but there are some clues. Denver is a sleek, compact little lime scooter with room for two feet on a slip proofed kick plate. I had just stepped off that muscular marvel and was locking him up with my Android phone when he spoke to me. You know, I could really use a charge. I looked around for a moment. I looked around for a moment to see who could have spoken, and the scooter who was to become my lover chuckled throatily. I think someone from the company will be here soon to take care of that for you, I mumbled awkwardly, in disbelief that such a strapped lime was really looking my way. In response, I heard the chime of the app that told me the scooter had been unlocked again, but my card hadn't been charged.
He flexed his bulging brake grips under my hands, and I felt the answering call deep in my belly as my cock twitched to life. Oh my god, what is this? By the time I'd romantically carried him over the threshold of my West Hollywood one bedroom, we were both sweating lightly and panting with need. I turned around at the sink to ask what exactly a stud like him drinks, and saw that my lover was already shirtless, his shining chrome nipples standing out starkly along his rippling pecs. The pants I hadn't realized he'd been wearing fell away as well, and my eyes widened at Denver's throbbing hardness, the app chiming frantic warnings in the background.
Doc, doc needed, please doc. I thought scooters like you didn't have to doc. I questioned him, my pulse racing. Baby, you've never met a scooter like me. Whoa.
Now, just putting some context clues together, I know, Alexis, that you are the partner of College Humor cast member Teo. And Teo lives in West Hollywood in a one bedroom, and rides a scooter back and forth to work every day. Almost every day, and has an Android phone. Cheating on Teo with the scooter he rides to work with? Teo's cheating on me with that scooter, I think.
Teo, you dirty doc. You dirty fuck. You fucking piece of shit. You suck.
That was incredible. Oh, I love all the app language about charging. Yeah. It's so interesting from the past to the future how technology has kind of changed. Wow, yeah.
I should have said, but in that story, I was also the first educated person in my family. In all these stories, Teo, you're not in the story. That's true. Well, Teo's the first. Teo's like, oh, and my girlfriend is the first educated person in my family. Oh, I can't believe me, the boyfriend of a woman who was the first educated woman in her family.
Incredible. Thank you so much. That was wonderful.
I wish I had put a little more sex in it, but I was nervous I didn't want it to get too long. It's OK. If you could put sex in it, what would you do?
Definitely, I think, the scooter would mount the protagonist. And I think there would be the high speed warning, how it's like you're not supposed to go over like 15 miles per hour. I think it would be a lot of like, also it's going to try to work in some stuff because you're not allowed to have a lime in West Hollywood. You're not allowed to park it there. So that could have been like something.
They also would have to dock, right? Well, they don't have to dock. These scooters don't have to, but this one wants to. This one wants to dock in us. And it wants to fly.
In the reader. In the reader? Dear reader, I must dock in you.
Well, while we're talking hypothetical, since I don't want to end on my lame non-existent one, I had one. It got deleted in my Microsoft thing this morning. But I will share some of the details of it.
It was a sensual story of me with my French press, who had a very sexy French accent. I even took the time to make all the S's Z's. Yeah, it was incredible. Jessica! Yeah, and there's so many S's in my name. Jessica Rose. And I basically poured hot liquid in it and pumped its handle up and down. Yes. So that was mine.
Sadly, we'll never see the light. It was lost to time.
Now let me ask you, Arabica or, what's the other one? There's two types of Arabica.
Sativa. Sativa or Arabica?
Incredible. Yes, so sorry for that. Sorry I didn't have my assignment.
As a little fan challenge, maybe we ask people with that prompt, a French press and you write your own little Arabica in the Discord. Or anything that makes, any object that makes you hot and horny.
Yeah. Great. Jordan. I'm ready. Mine is much less, I guess I'll say flowery. Great. That's okay. Stark is great. Yes, let's do it. Get to it.
Five p.m. One hour until closing. No one is around.
Score. That was the only kind of scoring I thought I'd be doing that night. But boy was I wrong.
I took off my sarong, exposing my floral tankini. Ooh, naughty. As I dipped myself into the pool slowly, I could feel the water hit my perfect crotch. My poo.
Cold. I accidentally explained. I'm sorry, pools get cold at night sometimes. I looked around in disbelief. Who said that?
There was no lifeguard on duty.
It's me, the community pool. Ooh.
You dirty bitch.
I started to rush to get out of the pool. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to slip inside you like that. I thought I was alone, I explained. We're alone, said the pool, as she shot a jet up my ass hole.
Yes. Oh my god. As incredible as it felt, I was nervous someone would see me making sensual love to the contained man-made body of water. What if the community sees, I ask? Tonight, you're the only community I need. Ooh. Or should I say com-munity. She jammed her thick pool fingers inside my heavenly hole.
Like a noodle? Whatever you want it to be. Like the fun noodle that you said? Yeah.
Great, she jammed her thick pool fingers inside my heavenly hole. She repeated this motion until I squirted everywhere, but you couldn't tell because I was in a pool.
I'm gonna get a UTI, I said, embarrassed. Don't try cranberry pills or anything like that. It doesn't work, just go to the doctor.
And that's when I knew this was more than just lust. I was in love with the Oakville Hills community pool. Oh my god, I love how practical she is. Yeah. That's when.
Bitch, that cranberry shit doesn't work. It doesn't.
You gotta go to the doctor. Go straight to the doctor. After you're done with me.
I didn't even know there were cranberry pills.
They just help the sensation, they don't actually solve anything. And they don't even help the sensation. It's just if you wanna pay $12 for nothing.
Anti-gas cranberry juice is a diuretic, makes you pee more, so peeing in theory could help you pee it out. It flushes, yeah. What a wise pool.
Get those antibiotics. You gotta go to the doctor.
What a nasty pool. A community pool. I like that it's a community pool, that's really fun.
Oh boy. I like they were worried that the community would see. The whole community could see. It's open access.
And do you imagine the fingers to be like a water hand, like in a Capri Sun. Like a waist? Yeah. I like that. I feel like one of the Fantastic Four probably has a hand made of water or something. And that's what I was picturing. Who did you cast in the role of pool? You just meant to. I didn't really think about it. But I guess in a perfect world, it's like, I don't know, Priyanka Chopra. Oh, oh that's nice. Really hot.
Yes, and she's a woman of color. Beautiful woman. The first woman of color is a pool. She's in a tire.
And so practical. I love it.
I imagined her very like, not mature as in older, but mature as in very like she knew what she was doing. She knows what she's doing. She only takes the roles she wants and she says no to the other ones that don't apply to her.
Yes. Exactly. She's married to a Jonas brother. Yes. The pool was married to a Jonas brother. Yes. Oh, I love this.
Who was the Titanic?
I don't know.
Who was the Titanic in the iceberg?
Played by. Wow. Okay. The Titanic? Oh my god. Who could like, I don't know.
I'm really bad at casting stuff. Who did you guys picture? As the voice of the Titanic? Yeah, who's someone like hot that could like cajole you into group sex that you're like too prim for.
Also with like big metal boobs. Big metal boobs.
Maybe like Queen Latif. A Charlize Theron.
Ooh. Yeah. Uma Thurman. Okay. Oh, ooh.
I do think if Charlize Theron was like, if I was like very like, oh my god, the ship's going down. She was like, do you wanna just like fuck? I'd be like, yeah.
Yeah, Charlize gets what Charlize wants. She does get what she wants. I like Charlize Theron. The iceberg can be, oh my god, who would this dirty little iceberg that's like, yes, a woman of color. I mean, is it Priyanka Chopra again?
It could be. She's very, very hot. Yeah. She's very versatile. Yes, yes.
And she's still water-based. Still water-based, yeah.
Or could it be Beyonce? Do I dare?
Wow. Wow, incredible. Lily, who was the lime? Oh, Alexis. Oh my god. Alexis, I'm so sorry.
You two look exactly the same. Maybe the lime was like, who's like a, like a tot?
Like a long-muscled man. A long-muscled man? Like a Adrien Brody.
Am I fucked up because when you're casting these, that was something that never crossed my mind. I was just like, oh, you're fucking a scooter. You're fucking a boat.
That's the business. Maybe I have no imagination. Or too much imagination. It's good, it's all good. We just want to know if they made a movie. There's not a lot of working scooters out there who would play the scooter. Sure. Perhaps Gardeau.
Oh, she would love to. She would love to. And she would play anything. She's already submitted her own entry. She could play anything.
Tree, car. All those tree rolls she's taken over the years.
Allegedly. Supposed to do whatever.
Hot rock, hot tree.
Yeah, she's been air dropping her resume into my phone. Yeah, she wants to play your phone in the movie.
Allegedly. Well, it is that time to rate our book. I'm gay for my living billionaire jet plane. We rate it from one to five. One being a drought. Five being slide out of your chair.
And anyone can begin. I can start.
I'll give it a two. I think it was fun. I think the physics of it took me out. It took me too long to figure out how everything was working.
Yeah. So that's like a, not dry as a desert, but there's like a, it's humid. Yeah.
I think I'd give it a three. I liked a little bit of the romance. Some of the imagery I thought was kind of sexy. I wasn't as hung up on the scale and this and that.
I just accepted it. Yeah. Cool. I'll also say three.
I had the same problem with kind of like what the rules of the worlds were. And I found that very distracting. But at the same time, it did feel like a little bit of a power move. But they didn't feel the need to explain it. So I liked that a little bit. So like Chuck Tingle was like taking control of us.
Yes. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, you convinced me a little bit. Ooh. Like I think I would have been like a two, five. But I think I'll go three. Cause it was like, we understand that in this world, like planes have abs and are hot. He wasn't like, this is what his dick looks like. Which, yeah. Which is good. And I did like, I did like the description of the hand job and the description of the abs and stuff. So yeah, I'll go three. It wasn't like for me. But I think it was like well done. And also the casualness maybe between the two guys was like not my favorite like sexual. Like fantasy. Yeah.
I wanted to be a little more like, wait, are we? Is this happening? Like instead of like, hey bro, wanna come over and like play pool or play cards?
I can't get in my house. I can't get in my house right now.
I'm gonna have a zoopa. It was actually a tragedy. Yeah. It was. Couldn't focus. Well that is it. Yes. That is our voting on that.
Thank you so much for listening. We have our book for next time. Our next assignment.
This isn't a specifically a, like an erotic narrative story. But it does have a lot of eroticism in it. It is The Secret Lives of Women, A Man's Astrological Guide to Love and Intimacy. And it was by Lisa London. And you can get that on Amazon. Again, that's The Secret Lives of Women, A Man's Astrological Guide to Love and Intimacy.
We're gonna learn about what gets each astrological sign off. Didn't we talk about this on the Alfie pod? We like talked about everyone's erogenous zone.
Yeah, yeah. According to their astrology. So I thought that that would be fun to kind of follow up on. And everyone in LA seems to be super obsessed with astrology. Yes. Yeah.
What are your signs? I'm a hard Virgo. Cool. I'm an Aries, but I don't know anything about it. I'm an Aries too.
Apparently our erogenous zone is our head. Really? It's our baby soft spot in the back of our head. When you mush our soft brain. Okay.
What's mine? You wouldn't know mine. I don't know yours.
We'll look it up. And you look it up too. You look up your signs for next week and we will see you then.
Thank you so much for being here. Thank you to our experts.
Have a sexy week everybody. Hello? Oh my gosh.
It's hot. It's really hot. |
cracked | why_mario_is_secretly_a_dick_with_a_mustache_after_hours | Friends, when I use the term loosely, you're gonna lose this one. We don't always agree on things, but when we do, we're like a spiky blue shell of inevitable you losing this. Not that we'll need a blue shell, or even like a decoy prize box. Or, hell, even a banana peel. Rainbow Road, bitches!
Peach should have picked Bowser over Mario. He even looks better on paper. Better than Paper Mario? He's big, strong, owns land, is a king, and he's three-dimensional, so yes. Yeah, he's more accomplished than Mario, too. Yeah, and yet Mario consistently defeats him over and over again, always, forever. So if that paper you're working with is a scorecard... Yeah, but does he win? Why does Bowser keep coming back game after game?
Do you have any idea how long that takes? No, I can't say I've brushed up on my logistics of castle maintenance recently, so no. And what was Mario doing during all that time? Where was he when Bowser was dividing up the kingdoms and creating all those elaborate mazes for Mario to jump through? Say what you will about Bowser.
He's an ugly rage monster. No genitals. But when he wants something, he takes it. He's a man of action. Women really respond to that.
You do realize that he kidnaps Princess Peach, right? Because he's in love with her. Yeah, and we have a word for people who force their love on someone against their will. It's a crime word. Are you sure he loves her? I mean, I thought that he was gonna devour her peach flesh to get new princess powers or something. No, he does love her.
They say as much in Super Mario Sunshine. And the Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach.
What was that on? Was that on Jaguar?
It was a straight to VHS animated movie. It came out in 1986. Only in Japan. The actual title was Super Mario, but also to Peachy Hime, Kyushu Tsutai, Sakusa.
So he loves her, but he just doesn't know how to express it. He's like a very competent Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Except covered in spikes.
The first time that we meet Mario in Donkey Kong, what's he doing? Jumping over barrels and fighting a giant monkey. To save Peach so that they can share delicious ape steak. No, because Peach wasn't in Donkey Kong.
The girl in the cage was only referred to as Pauline, his girlfriend. Oh, and then when he's done saving her, he either cheats on her or dumps her and then moves on to save Peach. He lets Princess Peach get kidnapped over and over because he gets off on saving her. Mario is kind of a douchebag. No! He is a hero who single-glovedly saves a kingdom from a fire-breathing tyrant over and over again.
For pocket change. All the stuff you said about Batman, man. But now about this.
And if she's not his girlfriend, it's even more impressive. That means he's doing all of this out of the goodness of his heart. What other plumber does that? What other man does that?
The Castlevania guy. Sonic. Flash Bandicoot. Characters from video games too numerous to list.
Storming castles. Slaying monsters. Rescuing damsels.
Without a sword. Without any recognition. He's a blue-collar knight. Not in Donkey Kong Jr. he's not.
Uh-oh. Jesus, they're spending a lot of time in the Jumpman era. They came a lot more prepared than I thought they would. I told you we should've had cards.
So, after Mario frees Pauline in Donkey Kong, he longs Donkey Kong up as punishment. Donkey Kong Jr. is about Donkey Kong's son trying to rescue his dad from the time of Mario. Mario is the antagonist in that one?
Can I see you? You wouldn't recognize it because it wasn't made into a direct-to-video Japanime.
Even when he's the protagonist, Mario's still a dick with a mustache. Bowser is way worse. Read the instruction manual to Super Mario Brothers. It explicitly states that Bowser invades the kingdom and traps all of its inhabitants in objects. That's why the hills and the clouds have eyes. Every pipe is a former inhabitant that Bowser trapped because he's evil.
Everything? Everything. Evil. Every brick? Uh.
So, whereas I thought Mario was just showing up and destroying a kingdom like a terrorist, what you're actually saying is that he was murdering all those people and then stealing the gold coins from their corpses. That brick was probably somebody's son, Daniel.
The Yoshi's! Yes! What?
Bowser traps the Yoshi's in eggs for no reason and Mario liberates them. Well, now, we don't know the whole story here. I mean, we know Bowser locked up the Yoshi's, but the Yoshi's eat just about everything. I mean, he ate goombas, turtles, fire-breathing plants. They're insatiable. You can't just let ravenous lizard monsters wander around the kingdom. Then what's Bowser?
A humanitarian. He finds an ethical way to detain these Yoshi's that are a threat to the ecosystem until he finds a better solution. Yeah, better solution. Like, forcing them into his army like the other mindless drones in his employee. Like, that's better than what Mario does?
Sorry, I switched sides. Dammit!
He only frees the Yoshi's so that he can ride them around and punch them when he wants them to murder his enemies. I mean, he's using physical abuse to train an animal to fight other animals. We have a word for that. It's dog fighting. It's two words.
Now I hate Mario, and kinda you too a little bit. Try to remember why we don't agree on a lot of things. I disagree. Mario turns Yoshi into a service animal, even though we know that the Yoshi's are smart enough and conscious enough to drive carts, go to Mario parties, and smash brothers. That wasn't supposed to sound racist. I'm sorry.
Plus, how does that make Bowser feel? I mean, they're both dinosaurs. Can you imagine how offensive that is to Bowser? Bowser's actually like a turtle king, though? Like a yurtle?
No, but he was a T-Rex and nothing. In the motherfucking 1993 live action movie, is that what you were going to say?
I'm sorry. I forgot myself. He's just mad because they made Todaguna. I'm mad because it sucked and it's inadmissible evidence in this conversation. Sorry, Counsel.
What evidence would you like to use? The part in Sunshine where Bowser tells Bowser Jr. that Peach is his mom and Peach doesn't deny it?
No. Implying both the worst sex and birth scenes ever. Thank you. Fine.
Mario's a dick with a mustache. Yay! Isn't it pronounced Mario? In the N64 game, when you press start, he says, It's-a-me Mario. That accent is why he says it that way.
Paper Mario. He's big, strong, owns land, is a king, and he's three-dimensional, so yes. Yeah, he's more accomplished than Mario too. Yeah, and yet Mario consistently defeats him over and over again, always, forever. So, if that paper you're working with is a scorecard... Yeah, but does he win? Why does Bowser keep coming back game after game?
Do you have any idea how long that takes? No, I can't say I've brushed up on my logistics of castle maintenance recently, so no. And what was Mario doing during all that time? Where was he when Bowser was dividing up the kingdoms and creating all those elaborate mazes for Mario to jump through? Say what you will about Bowser.
He's an ugly rage monster. No genitals. But when he wants something, he takes it. He's a man of action. Women really respond to that.
You do realize that he kidnaps Princess Peach, right? Because he's in love with her. Yeah, and we have a word for people who force their love on someone against their will. It's a crime word. Are you sure he loves her? I mean, I thought that he was going to devour her Peach flesh to get new princess powers or something. No, he doesn't love her.
They say as much in Super Mario Sunshine. And the Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach.
What was that on? Was that on Jaguar?
It was a straight to VHS animated movie. It came out in 1986, only in Japan. The actual title was Super Mario, but also to Peachy.
He made Kyushu to die. So he loves her, but he just doesn't know how to express it. He's like a very competent Lenny from of Mice and Men. Except covered in spikes.
The first time that we meet Mario in Donkey Kong, what's he doing? Jumping over barrels and fighting a giant monkey. To save Peach so that they can share delicious ape steak. No, because Peach wasn't in Donkey Kong.
The girl in the cage was only referred to as Pauline, his girlfriend. Oh, and then when he's done saving her, he either cheats on her or dumps her and then moves on to save Peach. He lets Princess Peach get kidnapped over and over because he gets off on saving her. Mario is kind of a douchebag. No! He is a hero who single-glovedly saves a kingdom from a fire-breathing tyrant over and over again.
For pocket change. All the stuff you said about Batman, man. But now about this.
And if she's not his girlfriend, it's even more impressive. That means he's doing all of this out of the goodness of his heart. What other plumber does that? What other man does that?
The Castlevania guy. Sonic. Crash Bandicoot. Characters from video games too numerous to list.
Storming castles. Slaying monsters. Rescuing damsels.
Without a sword. Without any recognition. He's a blue-collar knight. Not in Donkey Kong Jr. he's not.
Uh-oh. Jesus, they're spending a lot of time in the Jumpman era. They came a lot more prepared than I thought they would. I told you we should have had cars.
So, after Mario frees Pauline in Donkey Kong, he longs Donkey Kong up as punishment. Donkey Kong Jr. is about Donkey Kong's son trying to rescue his dad from the time of Mario. Mario is the antagonist in that one?
Can I see you? You wouldn't recognize it because it wasn't made into a direct-to-video Japanime.
Even when he's the protagonist, Mario's still a dick with a mustache. Ha-ha. Bowser is way worse. Read the instruction manual to Super Mario Brothers. It explicitly states that Bowser invades the kingdom and traps all of its inhabitants in objects. That's why the hills and the clouds have eyes. Every pipe is a former inhabitant that Bowser trapped because he's evil.
Everything? Everything.
Evil. Every brick? So, whereas I thought Mario was just showing up and destroying a kingdom like a terrorist, what you're actually saying is that he was murdering all those people and then stealing the gold coins from their corpses. That brick was probably somebody's son, Daniel.
The Yoshi's, yes! What? Bowser traps the Yoshi's in eggs for no reason, and Mario liberates them. Well, now, we don't know the whole story here. I mean, we know Bowser locked up the Yoshi's, but the Yoshi's eat just about everything.
I mean, he ate goombas, turtles, fire-breathing plants. They're insatiable. You can't just let ravenous lizard monsters wander around the kingdom.
Then what's Bowser? A humanitarian. He finds an ethical way to detain these Yoshi's that are a threat to the ecosystem until he finds a better solution. Yeah, better solution. Like, forcing them into his army like the other mindless drones in his employee. Like, that's better than what Mario does? Sorry, I switched sides. Dammit! He only frees the Yoshi's so that he can ride them around and punch them when he wants them to murder his enemies.
I mean, he's using physical abuse to train an animal to fight other animals. We have a word for that. It's dog fighting. It's two words.
Now I hate Mario, and kinda you, too, a little bit. Try to remember why we don't agree on a lot of things. I disagree. Mario turns Yoshi into a service animal, even though we know that the Yoshi's are smart enough and conscious enough to drive carts, go to Mario parties, and smash brothers. That wasn't supposed to sound racist. I'm sorry.
Plus, how does that make Bowser feel? I mean, they're both dinosaurs. Can you imagine how offensive that is to Bowser? Bowser's actually like a turtle king, though? Like a yurtle?
No, but he was a T-Rex and nothing. In the motherfucking 1993 live action movie? Is that what you were gonna say? I'm sorry. I forgot myself. He's just mad because they made Todaguma. I'm mad because it sucked and it's inadmissible evidence in this conversation. Sorry, counsel. What evidence would you like to use? The part in Sunshine where Bowser tells Bowser Jr. that Peach is his mom and Peach doesn't deny it? No. Implying both the worst sex and birth scenes ever.
Thank you. Fine. Mario's a dick with a mustache. Yay! Yay.
Isn't it pronounced Mario? It's Mario. In the N64 game, when you press start, he says, it's-a me Mario. That accent is why he says it that way. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Fall_Fashion | Fall is already in full swing, but you still haven't found that perfect fall outfit. Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onions tips for fall fashion. Remember, earth tones are a classic fall look. Before leaving your house, slather yourself generously in layers of soil, mulch, and fertilizers. That looks great! Now that the cold weather is rolling in, it's time to put away those flip-flops and tank tops. No, the closet isn't far enough away.
You need to really put them away. Pile all of your summer clothes in your car and bury them in the woods. Or better yet, just burn them. Burn all of your summer clothes.
Ditch your tired old bags for one a little more in season. For all you do-it-yourself fall fashionistas out there, remember that you can create your own fall backpack by hollowing out a pumpkin and attaching old shirt sleeves to the sides for straps. Now you have a festive, yet stylish fall backpack. Finding the perfect fall color to flatter your skin tone can be difficult, but our fashion experts are here to help. Just send a naked picture of yourself to fallfashionattheonion.com and we'll get right back to you.
Scarves are a great addition to any ensemble, but be careful not to get your stylish new accessory caught on any hanging objects as you could inadvertently hang yourself. My wife hanged herself in 1993, and it's still something I think about each and every day. Finally, remember that shopping for new fall clothes can be stressful, so don't do it.
Just stay home. Lie in bed. Let yourself become totally numb.
There! You are now aware of the essentials of fall fashion. Go out there and show off your new fall look. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_michael_longfellow_snl | Well, this week we said goodbye to a former First Lady, a former Secretary of State, and the Supreme Court's first female justice. And also a guy who claims to be all three of those things. former Representative George Santos, seen here swallowing evidence, was expelled from Congress on Friday by a vote of 114. Chantes-yous stays to 311 sachet away.
Melania Trump made a rare public appearance when she attended the funeral of former First Lady Rosalynn Carter, who died at the age of 96. Melania said that she was deeply saddened to be reminded that your partner can live that long.
Elon Musk met with Benjamin Netanyahu this week and agreed that Israel must destroy Hamas. And I think Musk could destroy Hamas almost instantly by becoming their Ceo. during an interview, Elon Musk, who looked like the ghost of a guy who died in a 1950s drag race, was asked if he was anti-semitic and said that he was in fact Philo-semitic. you know, another answer would be no. First Lady Jill Biden also unveiled a new ice rink near the White House, setting the stage for next week's headline, President Shatter's Pelvis on Ice Rink. in her new book, Liz Cheney claims that one Republican called Donald Trump Orange Jesus.
But it's like you always say, Colin, there's only one Jesus and he's white. you know how you always say that? Yeah, I always say that. that was in confidence.
Disney announced that they'll be making two more sequels to Frozen. but by the time they come out, the only thing Frozen will be Elsa's Eggs. she wants a career. Miriam Webster announced that one of the site's most looked up words of 2023 was Riz, which is slang for charisma. But if you have to look it up, bitch, you ain't got it. one of the founders of the Black Lives Matter movement announced that he is supporting Donald Trump for President. and I'm going to assume he announced it during a traffic stop.
Australia is moving to ban disposable nicotine vapes, as more and more countries take efforts to reduce child addiction. Here to comment on vaping is an old-fashioned cigarette.
Hey, it's great to meet you, Cigarette. Meet me? Yeah, okay. Oh, now that we're on Tv, we've never met before. my butt's been in your mouth like a million times. Okay. no, I don't smoke. Oh, what are your parents watching tonight? All right, I'll play along. thank you for coming, Old-fashioned Cigarette. how are you doing?
Colin, I've been better. it ain't easy being a cigarette these days. everyone wants to vape. ooh, let's vape. can I hit your vape? And now look, the children are dead. Great job, guys. vapes are so much better. that's not what's happening. Also, you're not so innocent yourself. I mean, before vapes, kids definitely smoked cigarettes. true, but they looked cool doing it, so it was fine. you ever seen a kid vape? they don't even do it with confidence, blowing it down their little shirts. storks. Okay. all right, the cigarettes are still bad, though. you know, in London, they don't even have a cool nickname for vapes. you know what they call a cigarette in London? Yes, I do. say it. I'm not going to say it. relax! no one's going to take it out of context and make it a meme. All right, well, it sounds like you're not a fan of vapes, So what do you think about Australia and other countries trying to ban them? Welcome to the show, Vapes.
First time. they used to love me, too. now they're trying to make me go the way of the dodo. but it'll never work.
I'm too good. You know how good smoking a cigarette is? cigarettes are so good, we're dessert for sex. Hey, that sex was good, But you know what I want right now? me, baby. yeah. How do you think you've been able to stick around this long? I'm cool. And you're cool if you smoke me. Nbc Pride doesn't want me saying this directly to kids, but smoking makes you skinny and popular. And for guys, it adds a couple inches. cigarette? come on. I know, I know, I'm bad. But, god, I look good. Can't say the same for Vapes. look at these studs on Team Cigarette.
Oh, yeah, Marlon Brando. old guy number one in my day. who else? Oh, Elizabeth Taylor. she's cool, too. she's like Marlon Brando, But girl, keep it going.
Ron Jeremy? you're a hero. See, I told you it added a few inches. Okay. isn't Ron Jeremy in prison for something horrible?
Oh, well, not him then. Still though, Taylor and Brando, not bad. Now, look who they've got on Team Vape. vapes didn't even exist back then. Oh, okay. defend him. defending.
All right. no more pictures. one more picture. no more pictures. it'll be good this time. one more. All right, fine. one more. I did the same picture.
I'm a cigarette. I'm a bad boy. a old-fashioned cigarette, everyone.
Next week. next week, Lifetime will add their first. Next week, Lifetime will add their first Christmas movie featuring a sex scene. the sex scene will finally explain why Santa named that one Reindeer Vixen. that's a weird name for a reindeer, man. a Disneyland guest was arrested for stripping off his clothes and walking around nude on it's a small World. which is the all-time worst answer to the question, So what are you in for? A new study finds that your risk of developing diabetes depends on how fast you walk and whether this sound plays while you're walking. a new report claims that recent stories on the Sports Illustrated website were actually generated by Ai, and it's already making delirious mistakes. for instance, it made up something called the Wnba.
I know. I don't even know what that stands for.
Doritos has created new software called Doritos Silent, which removes the sound of eating from video calls. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell is working on new software that removes the sound of screaming from bathrooms. this week's sky gazers were treated to the beaver moon, which is only visible for a few seconds when the moon gets out of the shower. I like this so far.
And plans for a three-year-long around-the-world cruise were canceled after organizers could not find a ship for the voyage.
Guys, call me. Yes, dude, I'm Colin Jones. Michael, say goodnight! Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | dole_clinton_point_counterpoint_cold_open_saturday_night_live | Tonight, on 60 Minutes, the return of Point Counterpoint, here to debate the impending war in Iraq, our former President Bill Clinton and Senator Bob Dole. Bob, how did our diplomatic strategy on Iraq fall apart so badly, so fast? In a little over two years, this administration has squandered every foreign policy achievement of the 90s, and through its arrogant, unilateral approach, has succeeded only in provoking our enemies and alienating our friends. not a day goes by that I don't get a phone call from some head of state who will ask me, what the hell is going on in your country? When you were President, the economy was booming, the world was at peace, America was admired and respected throughout the world, can't you do something?
And I'll tell them that while I appreciate their kind words and share some of their concerns, I feel that it would be inappropriate for me to undermine President Bush by publicly criticizing him. And they'll say, but you were so great to work with as President, you were so visionary, so well-informed, Can't you run again in 2004? And again, I thank them, but point out that I served my two terms, and I feel I should give others a chance. And they'll say, but you're still so young, in 2004, you'll only be 58, and that's younger than most presidents are in their first term. And I'll just say, well, that's true, and the constitution does permit me to run for a third non-consecutive term, or it ought to. But right now, 2004 is the furthest thing from my mind. Well, please consider it, they'll say, because God, we need you, the world needs you. And of course, I thank Tony Blair, or Jacques Chirac, or Mr. Putin, or Pervez Musharraf, or Kofi Annan, or Jean Chretien, or Yang Zemin, or whoever it is, Nelson Mandela calls a lot. he's a fan. it's all very flattering, and it's all very sweet. But the fact is, I'm enjoying my retirement from public life, and I'm just a private citizen who wants to support President Bush in any way I can. And the best advice I can give him right now is to go back to the United Nations, let the inspectors do their jobs, keep the pressure on, and work with our allies in France, Germany, and Russia.
Bill, you ignorant slut. Saddam Hussein is a boy that needs to be Lanced, and we're going to lance it. So why don't you and your little European pal just run along and have a garden party, eat your sandwiches with the crust cut off and the watercress salad for dessert, put on your tiny little swimsuits, frolic on the lawn, throw a beach ball like a girl, explore the different aspects of your sexuality, and you just step aside and let us, the British, the Spanish, and the Estonians, take care of business. Well, I got you. here's another thing. Tell your Hillary to lay off my wife, Liddy. she's a senator now. she doesn't have to take that kind of guff she's been getting from your old lady. next time she comes home to me in tears because Hillary's made some snide remark about her in the Senate cloakroom, or she's rolled her eyes at my wife in a committing hearing, I'm going to jump in my car, head over to the Capitol, and beat her like a rented mule. And don't think the Secret Service or Capitol Police can protect her, because I know how to get the drop on her. I know every secret passageway, trapdoor, and revolving bookcase in that building. sooner or later, I'll get her alone. when I do, I'll kick her hippie behind like it's never been kicked. And by the way, I don't want to hear any more Viagra or Britney Spears jokes.
I'm not ashamed of my commercial endorsements. I have a family to provide for, and I didn't have the rich Hollywood friends buying me houses, the no-show job at Dreamworks, or the $10 million advance on a book. Bob Dole didn't have those things.
Now, you look me in the eye and tell me that you've written one page in that book, Bill Clinton. You can't, because you haven't written word one, because you are what you've always been. an indolent, borderline, sociopathic, hedonistic, sexual predator, full of pointy-headed Oxford bread socialism that would have us all dragged back to the era of Stalin, Mao, and Ho Chi Minh. this has been point counterpoint. And now, live from New York, It's Saturday night. |
cracked | how_ayn_rand_and_l_ron_hubbard_came_up_with_their_big_ideas_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Fine. Oh, that was good.
The opium or the sex? You tell me. The opium.
I feel like I have tiny little aliens in my blood. Like my head is a volcano or something. Enough with the aliens, Ron. Jesus. Sorry, I just... I was thinking about Orson Welles and how he pranked everybody into believing that aliens were invading. Freakouts everywhere. I freaked out a little bit. It was absolutely brilliant.
I've pranked better. No, I'm not talking about the old pranks. Yelling fire at the talkies. That doesn't get my gears cranking. Are your gears ever cranking?
I'm saying we need something better. Something bigger. You mean there? Something that's going to reach a wider crowd. You know, I have long-term effects. I wonder if I could take the worst, most selfish, misguided people and make them worse. Take douches and make them douchier. Oh, that would be delicious.
I've got it. No, no, no, no. I've got it. Oh, Ronnie, this is going to be good.
I'm going to take rich, white college kids and convince them that they're just too nice. You are so evil, Ein. You're like some evil little alien or something. No more opium for you today. It'll never work. Even the most entitled, morally backwards people still know when they're being a jerk. Nobody's going to believe that being selfish and irresponsible is actually a good thing. 20 bucks says you're wrong. How would it even work? Start a cult? Because that really steps on my- Don't be stupid. This is aimed at the people who want to feel smarter than religious people. The goal here is to take those with a religious zealot's sense of superiority, but without the forced obligatory compassion. If done right, we can take the most wealthy, powerful, and privileged people and get them to talk like they're the poor, persecuted minority. They will become the most slappable people on earth. That's almost too evil. You can't.
Oh, I'm doing it. I'm going to write a book, and soon rich, white males will be gathering en masse to congratulate themselves on how awesome they are for doing exactly what they already wanted to do anyway. Well, you're going to do yours. I'm going to do mine. And in 30 years, whoever has the most followers wins. You really think yours can beat mine? I do.
How? I'm going to convince actors they have superpowers. Please, please, please subscribe to this channel. They're not joking. They're going to fire me. I need this job. It's literally the only thing I'm good at. I got rent. I got a dog that I just got. So please subscribe. I cannot do anything else. |
dropout | george_r_r_martin_writes_the_all_nighter_all_nighter_2014 | College Humor's All Nighter! Sam, would you like some time? What I meant was don't talk at the same time. Sam, why didn't you tell us the All Nighter was tonight? None of us are ready. And I hate to break it too, but without us, you've got zero scripts. Guys! Relax.
I've got it all figured out. I hired a head writer to write all the scripts for the All Nighter already. Meet George R.R. Martin.
The little girl's body left on the side of the mountain to be violated by the dogs.
Ahhhhh! Oh, sorry. I had a wrapped worth of original candy stuck in my throat. Nope. We can't be in this maniac script. He's literature's greatest sadist. Oh, and don't be silly, Warren. Brian. Listen up, Baron. Look, just because my Game of Thrones characters die horribly, stabbed in their necks and pussies and their butts and their fingers, that doesn't mean you will. Look, take a look at this script I wrote just for you. Whoa. Really?
Interior. Office kitchen. Brian searches for his lunch and can't find it.
Oh, that's not bad. And then you're ambushed by a couple of wildlings and cut your dick off. Ahhhhh! Dude, not my dick, please. It's canon. You're written out of the books now. Ahhh! Well, I guess not you. So much as your dick. Ahhh!
Mr. Martin.
The All Nighter's supposed to be funny. Yeah, I know. Check out these side splinters I wrote in here. A side splinter is a Bolton-like torture device used for unspeakable evil. Burn these pages.
You're a monster. Oh, am I a monster? Yeah. Or is it the dragon that eats you?
Ahhh! No! Oh, yes. Oh, yes, Adam Conover. He's gonna gobble you up every frickin' part of you, except that he's gonna leave your dick! No! So dangly, your dick gets chopped off! Oh, and then gobbled by a goose. Ahhh!
Mr. R, we will be writing our own scripts. Thank you. Oh, Willy, Emily.
Well, then I guess that means you won't be marrying a prince. A prince? So then, technically, I'd be a princess?
Wow. He's in-brand! You gotta breastfeed him! Bastard! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's okay, Emily. He can't hurt you. He's just a bitter old writer. Not so fast, perfect. DARD!
What did you just do? Was that a slap or a... Wait, who are... You're our accountant. What are you doing?
I'm a huge fan, Mr. Ryan. Thank you so much.
I left 60 bucks to cash on your desk. Why are you doing this? I haven't written this fast in years! I'm gonna take all these pages, and I'm going to put it in the final installment, the final volume of Ice and Fire, entitled, A President of Dicks! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Whoa, does Daenerys indeed Westeros? No, she trips on her log and breaks her neck, Brian.
Oh, come on. And now that I'm done with this, God-forsaken series, I guess I can go fulfill my lifelong dream. I'll open her up in my own rib joint. See you on the fuck side, flippers. Well, at least now we can get back to making the all-nighter fun, huh? Yeah. Great. You'll be working with our new producer, The Mountain. Hello, Mark! Kill it!
Oh, my God! Oh! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scomo_Gets_Dad_Shamed_Empathy_Consultant_On_The_Brink_Of_Collapse_A_Local_Bloke_Back_On_The_Ma_ | Scott Morrison gets dad shamed, an empathy consultant on the brink of collapse, and a local bloke is back on the market. Hey guys, it's Effie Bateman, and this is the Daily Batuda for Friday the 22nd of April, thanks for tuning in. So starting off with some good news today, and I'm happy to say that Clancy and Errol will be back tomorrow, as Clancy's court case was thrown out the window after it was discovered that one of his ex-wives had framed him. For being the Batuda Heights poo jogger.
If you're not across that, Clancy was taken into court, and it was believed that he was the culprit. Apparently it was Carol, or I think it was Carol, it could have also been Deborah. He's got a few, he's kind of like Bluebeard in that way, except he doesn't kill them. Anyway, she hired someone from Marketplace that closely resembled him as an act of revenge, because apparently Clancy took all her beanie babies in the divorce. And if you've ever looked up the original beanie babies, they're actually worth quite a bit, some even get a few thousand apparently.
Anyway, onto some more serious news, and a local autistic teen has responded to Prime Minister Scott Morrison's comments about disabled people. If you didn't watch the Sky News debate, which a lot of us weren't able to because we don't have pay-per-view and we don't want to read Sky News, Morrison was responding to a pundit who asked about the NDIS scheme and how it affected her autistic son, when Morrison responded saying that he and Jenny had been blessed that they hadn't had children that had had to go through that. And though, you know, there was an attempt at empathy, Morrison of course chose the incorrect wording, which has quickly drawn the eye on frustration of many people, including young Brayden Williams, who has since told us that he actually feels blessed he doesn't have a dad like Scott Morrison. And speaking of this blunder, apparently it proved to be the final straw for his empathy consultant, who was seen smashing another clipboard to pieces following his comments during the debate. Despite the consultant telling him, Meaning that maybe she should go seek someone a bit more empathetic, such as Ivan Milat's accomplice, or a ball of uncooked pizza dough.
And lastly, with some local news, and a recently dumped bloke has sounded the horn on his social media by uploading an image of him and the boys on a bender. Posting it late at night, Dan Reynolds reckons he's excited to get on the market again, and that is a new lease on life. And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with him hiding his heartbreak. Speaking to The Advocate, Dan said he reckons his jaw will be swinging harder than a nightclub door this weekend.
But at least he'll have an extra day to recover next week with our public holiday. And for quote of the day, New South Wales Premier Dominic Perotit says He said Hopefully they will get those payments soon. Anyway, that's what's making news this week. I'm Effie Bateman, and see you guys tomorrow. New South Wales Premier Dominic Perotit of the submitted applications for rental support payments is about 70 million. He said Hopefully they will get those payments soon. Anyway, that's what's making news this week. I'm Effie Bateman, and see you guys tomorrow. Thanks for watching. |
cracked | robin_thede_explains_the_straight_man_character | Over the weekend, New York magazine put out this article with the corresponding tweet that was very misleading, that said Robin Thede doesn't believe in straight men on her show, A Black Lady Sketch Show. He tweeted back almost immediately to correct this, saying it was clickbait and that what she meant was that their show doesn't believe in the straight man character has nothing to do with gender or sexual identity. Straight man character is usually the character who sets up the scene or sets up the game or joke that is about to happen. They're usually tonally normal so that the weird funny character can shine. These characters often don't have a lot of jokes written for them or laugh lines because they are propping up the main character. What Robin was saying at this festival is that she's not down with that. She wants every person in a sketch to make people laugh. She wants all of them to have laugh lines, including the quote unquote straight man character. And let me quote Robin, you get jokes even as a straight person because you're a sketch performer. You believe that straight men should ever not have jokes. |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_meets_gale_part_ii | It appears Sera has feelings for that intolerable gay lord. I need a love potion, something that will make Sera love me forever.
I mean, I suppose if you wanted to conceivably procreate- Ah, you drive a hard bargain. Fine, if I must part with two hams, so be it. Two hams to you!
Let's, well, let's give her a call and maybe see how she feels about it. Bring her in, then we'll do the hex. Hello. Hey, Sera, I won't burn you alive. Trust me. Okay, now, listen, Talon. You be nice to her, and you tell her how you love her.
This brown man, this is not Sera. Hey, Sera! Sera, yes, this is some Pacific Islander. If I wanted a house servant, I would order one. Bring me Sera!
I'll be back in two shakes if I keep sound. I am in. So, actually from the Bronx- Don't give a sh- So... So... Okay, why am I here?
You said I had something to do with my email. Yeah, your email is fine. Okay, baby.
But it appears as if someone has something to say about how he might feel about it. Okay, listen, no. I have been putting up with him for years, okay? His advances, his comments, his giving my friends temporary nosebleeds and seizures. I do all that for love. Really?
What happened to your first wife, Phantom? Died in a fire. Second wife? Died in a fire! All your other wives? Died in- No! One didn't die IN the fire, but a couple hours later, she was a fighter. Okay, Gail, do you see a pattern here? All his wives die in fires, okay? I don't want to die in a fire, okay? Gail? Sorry, Jessica is failing.
I was reminded of a freighter that I was left on when I was a baby. It was 1917 saying, and I was there eating all this salmon. A baby in the ice-cold water turned out to be the penguin. And, you know, the thing about a child distinctly, where I'm walking along the boardwalk, sort of like how P.B. Herman did, and he returned when he dropped his little baby.
And that is why, the only way you can defeat any kind of being, whether it's extraterrestrial, or anesthetorrestrial, or kinesa-vanessa, or neva-kineser, or anesthetocanestrial, or testin' anesthetor- Jesus Christ, you're spitting some straight bullsh-t. I come to you for help with my woman. Not your woman. Yet. And instead, you prat a lot about this and that, witches have certainly changed since the time you could tie them to a stake and burn them to death. What I wouldn't give to me. Arson you to a stake right now. I'm serious. I'm chubbing up just thinking about burning her. That's disgusting, and thanks for wasting my time. I've worked too.
Oh, wait, Sarah, come back. Jessica, wait. Sarah. Hey, Fallon. I want my ham, you motherf-cker. |
TheOnion | Loudness_Equals_Power_Onion_Talks_Ep_2 | I'm a loud man. That's no surprise. But what may be a surprise?
I can be even louder. This is a personal amplification device. It's a series of wires that are connected surgically to my vocal cords, which are then attached to speakers which are grafted at the back of my throat. That's how I can feel and how loud I can be. Loudness is power. By being heard, we are more easily able to share our ideas and drown out lesser ones of those around us. Today, human loudness has reached its peak. Did you know that this generation will be ten times louder than their grandparents? If George Washington were alive today, we would not be able to see or hear him. With our loudness leveling off, we've struggled to find the best way to become even louder. It is that loudness that allows us to be heard by people who are listening and those who don't even realize they're listening.
Look. Hello, Dale. I've been thinking about your ideas all day. You all heard me, and I wasn't even talking to you. Are you still paying attention?
The things I just showed you are great, and I am so excited about them. In a few years, there's no question they're going to transform our lives. Soon, the loudest person in the room will no longer be the one with the strongest or the most lubricated vocal cords. It will be the one who is rich enough to afford the largest amplifiers. But what about the next step? People can block out your loudness with headphones or by simply plugging their ears. So now let me show you something that I'm really excited about.
Whales. Whales are the loudest creatures on earth, and you know how they do it? Their jaws. Sound travels just as well, if not better, through our jaws than through our ears, and you can't plug your jaws. The sperm whale gets that name from the viscous semen-like jelly that it holds in its skull, and it uses this jelly to focus sound into a beam that is so powerful, it paralyzes fish.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the future. Would you like to give a round of applause for my mom and mommy?
Join me on my cross-country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud, reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. Do you really taste cooked pork? This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. Let's pork! This is Porkin' Across America. |
dropout | found_footage_movie_taped_over_super_embarrassing_video | See cool, he can zoom on this thing. I'm gonna not tell her you said that Hey, is that the camera? Yeah, I only have one tape and I don't want to race mud My name is Craig Stevens. I'm 29 years old and I weigh 165 pounds. I can't wait to show you why I said thing on Yeah, I think so. I was present audio before but it's rolling now. Okay, good Just keep recording. Okay, Jordan.
I'm getting goosebumps. Gary stuff really creeps me out. Oh my god What is it? I don't know I think it's like some kind of egg or something.
Can you see this? Okay, are you recording? Yeah, and you can see me. Yeah, you're good.
Well, did you get enough batteries this time? I don't want it to run out again Alright, so so basically the other night when we left the woods the egg stopped glowing and then like 20 minutes ago It just started again. So we got the camera We touch it we might get powers.
Oh my god, this is so crazy. We're gonna be rich Yeah Peace dude, I don't care if she died. You gotta keep recording no matter what. Okay. Did you get that in my fucking eyes? Jesus Christ, dude Do you mess with it? Oh my god, that's not fucking funny I guess you can submit as a group as well. So Craig Stevens and friends are here to present a whole new submission for you Has to know we got it all on tape Poppers |
dropout | derrick_s_post_apocalyptic_dane_cook | How's it going, post-apocalyptic Denver? How you doing? Yeah, yeah, you guys remember the apocalypse, huh? You remember the apocalypse when the machines that we used to run, when the machines we used to run are now running us? Do you remember that?
I do. Haha. Yeah, this isn't my trademark anymore. The radioactive waste has melded my fingers this way. Now it's a horrible disfigurement. Haha.
Hey, you guys remember, you guys remember drinking water? You remember a bottle of water? Walking around, everyone's going around with their bottled water? Going up to people, hey I have a bottled water, excuse me, can I drink your bottled water? Get away from me with your bottled water. Now I wouldn't say that because the machines have soiled our drinking water. It's poisoned. There's no more drinking water. It's all, it's all, it's all filled with mercury.
Haha. Hey, you guys remember dating? You guys remember dating? I used to go on dates all the time and went on one date with this girl. She was a velociraptor. Yeah, she was a velociraptor just, eh, eh, I want to date you. And I said, no, I don't want to date you. What are you? She's like, no, I want to date you. Go to the Jurassic Park with me. Ah. And I said, I don't want to. Now I totally would because you need girls to procreate, you know, you have to think about the species. Haha.
Hey, you guys remember moms? You guys remember moms?
I used to be in the basement and my mom would come in. I'd be eating cereal. I'd be eating cereal, just eating cereal and then my mom would come downstairs. My mom was like a velociraptor. She'd come in and say, eh, what are you doing in the basement? Go do something. I'm like, I'm eating cereal, mom.
Leave me alone. Go get out of the basement. I'm like, shut up, mom. I hate you. And I really regret saying that to my mom because that was the day before they exterminated moms and I never got to say anything else to her again. That was the last words out of my mouth.
But then my mom started throwing things at me. She started throwing things. And I started dodging them. I was dodging them like The Matrix.
You guys remember The Matrix? The Matrix, that movie that turned out to be true? It was very prophetic. |
dropout | hardly_working_business_time_2 | Sweet Larry Mother of Pearl. Xerox WorkCenter. 7328.
Yes, this is actual. I have a contact at the Zier. We met during recounts at Miami Dade. I was there. And he told me we were on the wait list for one of these bad boys for the past six months.
Thought he was pulling my schlong. Well, he wasn't.
26ppm black and white, 28 color, four trays, three page layouts, two toner shades, one hell of a machine. My production finisher. Optional. But it looks like they exercised it. In real. Best part, they're still using the 7200 series down the hall. Well, it's a quality machine.
What are you doing? I'm taking this baby for a text drive. Okay, you've never used this machine before though. No one has. Uncorrect. They debuted this model at CopyCon Kansas City 2K10.
Shame you couldn't be there. Weird because I was. So you know that the keynote speaker was...
Rich album. Handshake your way to the top. Very inspiring. Lucky guess.
Where'd you stay? Hampton Inn. Complimentary breakfast. With monogrammed waffle iron.
Mental car. PT Cruiser.
Crimson. Hunter Green.
Regardless. I was loading letter back when you were an extern at Enron. Out of my way. You, uh, having problems? Nope. Just warming up. I don't think so. Xerox rumors.net clock the warm-up time for the 7328 at five seconds. That is not official. Hey, if you're having problems, I think I saw an inkjet down the hall. fuck you. Step aside. Let a real eBay power seller troubleshoot this bitch. See, your problem is you're treating this like a copy machine. It's not.
It's a five-in-one workstation. Copy. Facts. Um, printer. Laminato KGs.
I'm calling tech support. And tell them what? That we took a $15,000 dump and want Mommy to come wipe us? We're not qualified to provide maintenance on the 7328.
Now, you know what? I think I just located the problem. And it's you. Huh. Thank you. For what?
Striking first. Read your HR manual. Employees are allowed to defend themselves using the poor's commensurate to the initial blow.
Hey, guys. The bathroom is still seriously overflowing. So, if you guys could just hop on this. |
dropout | muppet_teens | Good morning, kids! Hi!
Wolf, why don't you play me a song on the piano? It's been so long! Ugh! I hate the piano, okay? Stop telling people that I like the piano! Pianos are gay!
But you used to love it! I never loved it! You can't just tell people that I love it when I don't!
I'll sue you! Piggy, what did you do to your pretty dress? Oh, I'm sorry? Is my individuality not pruning enough for you? Don't censor me, bitch!
Piggy, you can't smoke in here! People smoke in prison? I guess you want your home to be worse than prison!
Okay, fine! Be a Nazi! How Hitler, I guess!
You're gay, dude! You said you were queer! I said I was weird! Dude, if you're gay, just tell me! Oh my god! I'm not gay!
I like chickens! You like guy chickens? No, no, no! Girl chickens, dude! Girl chickens!
Hey, guys, I'm trying to finish my homework, so... Shut up, queer! Dude, I'm telling you, this is gonna be mad explosive! Don't freaking doubt me, Beaker! I read it on the Internet! You don't know more than the Internet, retard! Oh, shit! I told you! Yo, look! Check it out! It's my dick! Dude, shut up! Nanny's gonna hear it! Stop that! Calm down! Holy shit! Ah, dude! This is gonna be so funny!
I'm Fuzzy Bear, and this is the snot cocktail! Waka, waka, waka! Drink it, pussy!
Did you get that? Was it funny?
Sick, dude! Nice! Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm gonna spew... That's gross. Oh, shit, dude. Go get Nanny. I'm really sick. Something's wrong. Shut up, queer! |
dropout | picnicface_super_bingo | Oh Play super bingo every week Monday through Sunday come to the Halifax senior center for all the bingo you can handle Monday four to six. It's burn go bingo say burn go instead of saying bingo our seniors love little switch-ups I'm good for you. I hate this super bingo brings the excitement Tuesday morning we get started again with breakfast bingo from 6 to noon featuring pancakes specials and special pancakes Yeah, at midnight. It's high stakes bingo you win popcorn balls you lose euthanized the old-fashioned way Wednesdays come down early and have your card blessed by our in-house shaman quartet This week's grand prize is a white James Earl Jones wearing a penis on his head Wednesdays at noon we introduce live bears. Hope you can play dead I am dead and remember Wednesdays are no Lynn Wednesdays is your name Lynn then stay the fuck home Bitch the fun never ends bingo I'm free now in cash. You'll win so much money. You'll be able to afford business lobster lobster grandchildren and steak mittens Mr.. Hood leave your kids in the bingo ballroom, but watch out for old Zilla Thursdays at 8 it's celebrity bingo with Bruce Springsteen you took a train down a river called freedom and 35 Come down on Saturday eight to nine is military hour where the old uniforms you use to serve our country I will break you mega bingo the fun never stops Oh, thank god. Oh god Saturday eight to nine is the me hour Bingo with all your favorite numbers like b7 not that kind of be mohamad if I could fly to the ends of the earth Mohammed and the be Wednesdays on nbc so much bingo bingo bingo bingo Halifax senior center has been home to some of the most famous bingo related events in history Tell no one high stakes not your thing try half stakes bingo winners get book witches losers get deer shaped Not this time. Uh, yeah So, come on seniors play bingo. What else are you gonna do? Oh god? |
Subsets and Splits