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TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Fifty_Shades_Freed | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be discussing Fifty Shades Freed, the final installment of the trilogy following the steamy romance of Anastasia and Christian Grey, and a film that has brought me to the profound realization that I am dead. I am dead, and as a punishment for my sins, I have been trapped in some kind of film purgatory where I'm forced to review these derivative sequels and disposable franchises over and over again for all eternity. Directed by James Foley and starring Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades Freed continues the story of the newly betrothed Mr. and Mrs. Grey as they settle into a married life in Seattle, a narrative so poorly constructed that as I watched it, I suddenly shook from my years-long stupor and realized I have never, in all of my existence, left this cosmic hell that is this movie review studio. For as long as I can remember, I've been imprisoned here, forced to watch an endless cavalcade of rote, insipid filmmaking, one after another after another. Indeed, this is my whole world. Every DVD that I watch is slipped in on a tray, through a crack in the door over there.
And recently, for some baffling reason, they've also been putting this revolver on it, too.
I don't know. But either way, the door is locked, and as much as I scream or bang on it, no one comes. I've never seen another person, I don't sleep or eat. Frankly, I don't even know if there's anyone watching this video. Is there a single living soul out there listening? I mean, look, there is a camera filming this review, but if you turn it around, there isn't even a crew. Hello? Can anybody hear me? Am I being tortured?
No. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, God. Oh.
Cinematographer John Swartzman proves a steady hand, but in the end, he's unable to overcome uneven swords and tools.
Is that what you want? What is this what you want?
What is this? Is this what you want?
Oh, please. Please, no. Please. I don't want to do this anymore. No. Please.
Ah. If you're wrong, I'm wrong. |
TheOnion | Hostages_Freed_After_Tense_7_Minute_Standup_Set | A harrowing situation on Broad Street came to its conclusion Thursday night as a group of hostages were freed from local comedy club The Laugh-Up Lounge after a tense seven minute stand-up set. Survivors said the situation began at approximately 9.15 p.m. as an unnamed man rushed onto a stage and subjected the hostages to minute after minute of near unendurable torture. It was terrifying. This guy, he gets up on stage and he says, he told us to make some noise if we were drinking tonight. You know, we couldn't leave. We just had to sit there. Every once in a while he'd grab his notebook and I'd think maybe this is it. Maybe he's going to let us go, but he just kept talking. I was scared to death. I was thinking about my family, my two little girls and my wife and if I would never see them again how terrible that would be. Security footage taken from the comedy club shows the entirety of the chilling scene, including over three horrifying minutes of crowd work and a stunning moment when one brave hostage narrowly escaped the theater. Additionally, The Onion recovered this video footage from the cell phone of one of the many captives.
Please, if someone sees this, help us. Please help us.
Yeah, micromanagement at the corner. You're totally gonna wang it out there. Oh my God. Oh my God, no. Cool. I'm not a religious person, but at one point I said the Lord's prayer and it actually had a calming effect, like Jesus was standing next to me and said, you're going to get through this. I mean, sometimes you're just in the wrong place at the wrong time, you know, don't take life for granted because you just never know when something like this could happen. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_russia_annexes_parts_of_ukraine_hurricane_ian_hits_florida_snl | In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the U.s. for Satanism and denounced the many genders in fashion in the West. it was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable. the Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square. say what you will, but a gig's a gig. the U.s. Embassy in Moscow is urging all American citizens in Russia to leave immediately.
Oh, cool. I'll try to do that, said Brittany Griner.
Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week, and Governor Ron Desantis called it a 500-year flooding event. in fact, it's such a historic tragedy that Desantis won't let them teach about it in Florida schools. at a White House event, President Biden asked if Representative Jackie Walorsky was in the audience, asking, where's Jackie? apparently forgetting she died last month. worse, he keeps forgetting that this woman is still alive. the Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a senate committee except for Ted Cruz. coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves. Jenny Thomas, who's begging you to notice the scarf, so she can say, oh, this old thing, reportedly told the committee that her husband was unaware of her involvement in challenges to the 2020 election, and they never discussed any case before the court. And if there's one thing I believe, it's that this guy doesn't talk to his wife. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. he officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split, while she blamed the Jews.
President Biden on Friday, attended a formal ceremony welcoming Justice Kintanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, said Biden, and where's Justice Ginsburg? Ruth, come on up here. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update.
I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the U.s. for satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the West. it was a hateful, unhinged speech, which has many Americans calling him electable. the Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square. say what you will, but a gig's a gig. the U.s. Embassy in Moscow is urging all American citizens in Russia to leave immediately.
Oh, cool. I'll try to do that, said Brittany Greiner.
Hurricane. Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week, and Governor Ron Desantis called it a 500-year flooding event. in fact, it's such a historic tragedy that Desantis won't let them teach about it in Florida schools.
At a White House event, President Biden asked if Representative Jackie Walorsky was in the audience, asking, where's Jackie? apparently forgetting she died last month. worse, worse, he keeps forgetting that this woman is still alive. the Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a Senate committee except for Ted Cruz. coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves. Jenny Thomas, who's begging you to notice the scarf, said, so she can say, oh, this old thing?
Reportedly told the committee that her husband was unaware of her involvement in challenges to the 2020 election, and they never discussed any case before the court. And if there's one thing I believe, it's that this guy doesn't talk to his wife. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. he officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split, while she blamed the Jews. |
dropout | is_everyone_using_me_for_my_costco_membership | Oh, Katie, I'm having people over to my house this weekend, and I would love it if you would come. Please, please, please. Yeah, I don't have any plans for the weekend, I'd love to. Great.
Oh, and before you come, let's hit a Costco. I want to get one of those 40-pound hams. 40-pound? Yeah, Costco. Costco, really. 40-pound ham.
Hey, do you guys actually like me? What? Yeah! Okay, I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like you just use me for my Costco membership. What? Katie, that is crazy.
We love hanging out with you and eating free samples. And going to town on some bulk hummus. Or eating cafeteria chicken bake.
Everything you've just mentioned happens at a Costco. God, is that the only reason we hang out? No. I'm sorry, you feel that way, Costco.
Or Katie? Katie. Katie, yeah.
Look, how about after work, we go to a park like old times? We've never done that. Oh, hey, Grant. Just, uh, hypothetically, theoretically, which exact park was it that you were thinking of? Well, I was thinking the one by the strip mall. Oh! Strip mall with the Costco? Well, yes, it is. Wouldn't it be, like, dumb and ironic if we went to the Costco after the park? Oh, my God, that is so dumb and ironic.
No. Fine. If you don't want to go to the park, we can go see a movie. Really? You just want to hang out and see a movie? Yes. In fact, I'd like to see eight movies. They sell those bulk passes at Costco. Costco? Oh, come on. How about that? No! You can't just use me for bulk goods. Fine. If we can't go to Costco, do you guys want to check out the big easy bar? Yeah. Yes! That sounds like so much more fun and I've never been there. Oh, no. I was talking to them.
The Core Five? You understand. Core Five! Core Five.
See? I can do it, too. Okay? There's no reason that it just has to be just out of sick. Besides, Katie, how would you even get there? Our cars only have five seats. I could drive myself. See?
Now you're dealing with logistics and it's ruined. Fucking God damn it. Katie, calm down.
Have something to drink. Here's 60 beers. Or a ton of chocolate milk. Or a gallon of cold medicine. Or an entire wheel of bread. Or a school of shrimp.
No. No, no, no. I'm not your little Costco bitch, okay? I'm as cool as all you motherfuckers and I deserve an invite. I'm fun as hell, okay? Katie, you're sweating. Here.
No! Katie, no! No! God damn it!
This is crazy!
Triple up!
This is why we don't invite you places. All right, let's go to Sam's Club.
Hasn't Katie done this before? Yeah, I feel like she's dying. Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | that_couple_who_dances_too_long_in_a_casual_setting | Okay, so 15 score pairs. Yeah. And then, yeah, then we're just going to flip them over all at the same time. Right. Okay.
Oh. Hold up. Is this? Oh, my God. This is a long... Do you guys like this? Oh. Guys, let's get this party started. Woo hoo! Oh, I love this song. You're my guy. Oh. Dance with us. Oh. Oh, no. Let's just play the game. Cory? I thought we were just bonding. That's fun. Oh. So into it. Do you guys...
Do you not want to play the game? I guess we'll just wait till the end of the song. All right. Let's get the game going. Oh, it's crazy. I want this to stop. You guys, if you don't want to play the game, just tell us.
You're not fooling anyone. You're right. When I'm fooling anyone, put me down, Cory.
This isn't working, is it? This hasn't been working for years.
Jill and I, we've been going through a rough time in our relationship. I don't want to say that we've fallen out of love. I would. I don't love you anymore.
This isn't a relationship anymore. It's more of a convenience. Yeah, well, I don't even feel like a man.
I'll have my stuff out by next week. If you could have it out by tomorrow, that would be great.
That's fair. Yeah. What do you say?
One last dance. Dance with us. You've got to dance with us.
Come on. Come on, come on, dance with us. Please. Come on.
I got you.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Baby. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Will_The_Betoota_Advocate_vote_Yes_or_No_to_an_Indigenous_Voice | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, we're going to do things a little bit differently today, you've just got myself, Clancy Overall in here.
We think it is fair time that the Batooter Advocate make our editorial position on the upcoming federal referendum public, it's obviously a big issue, a topic that is causing a culture war to rage in both media and political commentary around the country and it is fair time that the Batooter Advocate drew a line in the sand ourselves and outlined our newspapers position on this referendum and you'll have to excuse me as I list off these top six points made by our newspaper because I've somewhat lost my voice because I've spent the weekend cutting piss and talking shit in the beautiful, beautiful tropics of Far North Queensland surrounded by the cattle and cane. Now in case you haven't been across the news lately, Australia's media pundits and political commentators are mortified by the Albanese government's decision to hold a national referendum over whether or not we should include Aboriginal people in the constitution. There's also been a great deal of scepticism surrounding the idea of providing Aboriginal community leaders with a platform to advise politicians on their unique socio-economic issues and offer strategies that might help mitigate the very visible rates of disadvantage and near third world suffering we see in Aboriginal communities. While the concept of the Indigenous Voice does seem like an unprecedented approach to these issues, especially for our traditionally risk adverse nation, the government has clearly indicated that this advisory body will not have any veto powers over Australian law making or tradition and will serve only as an advisory body. So why does the media and the conservative political class seem to be so furiously opposed to it? Well, let us explain that. It's a real head scratcher actually, especially when considering that the Liberal Party and the News Corp, of which of course is, you know, led and directed by Rupert Murdoch and his son Lachlan, who, you know, have control of 70% of the Australian media landscape. They were, both of them, the opposition, the federal opposition and the News Corp News Limited journalists and media machine were some of the loudest champions of the Uluru statement, which of course is the founding document that this referendum has been modelled off. So let us explain why the Indigenous Voice is not a good thing. Let us at the Batutah Advocate, that is, with the debate now at a hysterical point where the misinformation is spreading like wildfire and you can see the racist slurs being plastered all across social media. The Batutah Advocate has decided to cut through the culture wars and present five fair and balanced reasons why the Indigenous Voice is a bad idea without resorting to the aforementioned dirty tactics that we are seeing from the official no campaign. Now please be aware that this article does contain vivid references to the historic and traumatic mistreatment of Aboriginal people.
Question number one, a successful referendum result will cause irreversible damage to our political landscape. And what I mean is not only would this chalk up an easy win for the Albanese government, but it would also push the Australia we once knew into irrelevance. Are we really that eager to erase the legacies of Tony Abbott, Malcolm Turnbull and Scott Morrison by implementing such a big change within the first year of Liberals losing office? A successful referendum will lead Australians to question the very point of having an opposition, of having a Liberal Party or a National Party.
Not to mention the newspapers who campaigned heavily for the re-election of Scott Morrison. Do we really want to live in a world where our major media companies get it wrong all the time? In order for us to keep the conservative political class in the picture, we need to give them an easy win. The opposition and the Murdoch media were once all foreign Indigenous Voice as I said before, but only when it looked like it was something they could claim as their own idea.
Now things have changed. The referendum is now a chance for Dutton and Murdoch to get vengeance for last year's humiliating election result. It's a last ditch effort to delay the imminent identity crisis that threatens their very own existence. After losing 20 seats in 2022, they're going all in, in reframing this referendum as the silent majority finally speaking up. It's no longer about effectively or even thinking about trying to help solve issues in the Indigenous community, it's now something completely different and they will celebrate their hollow victory like it is a Brexit moment.
You'll hear those words as we get closer to the date. But yes, for this conservative political establishment, the political class, the political elites, whatever you want to call them, it is even sweeter that they get to use black people, black fellas as the punching bag in their efforts to chalk up a few political points against the people that took their jobs and took them out of office. Now that's reason number one. Reason number two as to why the Indigenous Voice is a bad idea, you just can't keep changing things. It has to stop somewhere.
We all remember the gay marriage plebiscite, the ridiculous and hurtful experiment that humiliated both sides of the debate and tore families apart. Religious Australians were ridiculed for their beliefs and the LGBTI community had their very existence put to a vote. I mean, luckily, the Indigenous Voice referendum is nothing like the gay marriage plebiscite, mostly because our media appears to be intent on only presenting us one side of the debate.
Sure we get to hear from Aboriginal people, but we only hear from three of them. We've got Jacinda Price, Warren Mundane and Lydia Thorpe, three very different people, but with one relatively similar position. It just happens to be the same position shared by our major newspapers, our mining companies and the federal opposition.
But the key difference between the Voice and the gay marriage plebiscite is that in 2017, the gays had far more stake in Australian society than the disproportionately disadvantaged Indigenous people have ever had. There is no generational wealth being tipped into this referendum campaign from the Yes campaigners or for any of their supporters. The Indigenous Voice campaign is run off pro bono man hours and the smell of an oily rag in their battle against the conservative political establishment and Australia's billionaire media families. In contrast, the fabulous and all saturating marriage equality campaign was heavily funded by the same pink dollar that we see pouring in from the same corporations and organisations that turn our cities into rainbow wonderlands every Mardi Gras and every Pride Month. The best that the Indigenous Voice will get is some novelty NRL jerseys and maybe a few pamphlets, maybe a few volunteers, but it just does not compare to the last time we went around. In short, Alan Joyce gets his white wedding, but it's best that the Aboriginals stay where they belong, because we can't keep changing things.
The patoota advocates third reason why the Indigenous Voice is a bad idea. The Indigenous Voice might cause our government to receive conflicting advice. An Indigenous Voice could very well mean that our politicians receive advice from people who aren't mining lobbyists and private prison corporations, gambling lobbyists, media owners, anyone who basically has a free pass into the halls of Parliament House and there's a lot of them and we know that they spend a lot of time in there.
It is a completely different thing. We can change our constitution all we want. But the real problem is when we change how things work in Canberra.
Do we want to add more people into the mix? There's a very real threat that the voice poses to the political class and their biggest donors. The voice in itself is nothing more than a system that provides Aboriginal people with their own lobbyists from their own communities to advise our politicians on the efforts and laws that could minimise Indigenous disadvantage. But the fact that these Aboriginal people could be walking the same halls of Parliament with the very well paid mining and industrial prison complex lobbyists would scare the shit out of our government's corporate stakeholders, aka the billionaires that our politicians would traditionally take orders from. As adding more people there for them to take orders from or take advice from. The existing lobbyists do not want our politicians hearing conflicting advice. Imagine how inconvenient it could be if we had an elder down there walking the halls of Parliament House who managed to convince enough politicians to implement successful strategies to keep young men out of prison. What does that mean for the multinational corporation that's halfway through building a private prison in Perth? They might just not have enough young blacks to fill it with. And that is a problem for the existing corporate stakeholders and the existing lobbyists. An Indigenous voice would provide alternative lobbyists who might get in the way of certain interests.
Now, that's number three. Number four on the Batutera advocates list of reasons why the Indigenous voice is a bad idea is the Indigenous voice might mean we have to confront our own history. Now this is a heavy one.
As anyone who has had the pleasure of being educated in a demountable Australian classroom would know, the accepted version of Australian history basically starts at the arrival of Captain Cook, fast forwards to the gold rush, we fast forward again to the beaches of Gallipoli and then we fast forward again to the Sydney Olympics. You might hear a little bit about the Burma railway, you might hear a little bit about Kokoda, you certainly don't hear anything about Vietnam and that's the way we like our history. We definitely don't want to talk about the horrors of the Cootamundra girls' home or the gruesome massacres of open season, Australia's education system and our political system is not in the business of confronting our own historical atrocities. Leave that to the Japanese and the Germans, they're the ones who should be saying sorry. One of the key missions of an Indigenous voice, however, is to confront the very real issues that stem from our government and the British government's historic mistreatment of Aboriginal people. A hundred years of unhelpful and in many circumstances genocidal government policies have caused traumatic ripple effects that are still visible to this day.
It's all a bit uncomfortable, isn't it? It's almost worth not talking about because it does make you feel a certain kind of way.
You might have heard about the Stolen Generation but then again you might have heard Andrew Bolt's version, Andrew Bolt from Sky News of course. His version is one that alleviates Australia of any real guilt and insists it was a good idea to kidnap an entire generation of children based on their race, strip them of their culture and leave them to be raised out of sight by abusive priests and paedophile dorm wardens in religious and government run institutions. That's why the No Campaign is starting to get aggressive and that's why they're starting to peddle misinformation. It's a way of filling that deep black hole of guilt and sadness that doesn't have to exist if we militantly deny it. It's far easier for the Australian psyche to tell ourselves lies about them getting billions of dollars of funding and free houses and free cars and free university and squandering it because that's what they do. It's a lot easier to tell ourselves that.
That's reason number four. Reason number five on the Batuta Advocates top six reasons why the Indigenous Voice is a bad idea is that the Indigenous Voice advisory body would put Australians out of work.
You hear a lot about the many thousands of bureaucrats employed in services roles aimed at helping the lives of Aboriginal people, you hear a lot about how much money gets spent on their fruitless efforts as well. Now while a lot of this rhetoric is usually greatly exaggerated by racists as we mentioned before trying to fill that void of sadness and guilt, it would be a lie to suggest that public service don't have a reputation for bludging in this space. We've all got one in the family, we've all got the blue haired cousin who came back from the territory with a skid name and photos of them hugging other people's children on Instagram. The problem is eventually that blue haired cousin becomes a policy advisor and ends up joining a chain of communication that could include up to five, six or seven different white savior bureaucrats that dilute both the urgency and the lived experiences that Aboriginal people are trying to convey to politicians every day and they feel like no one's listening. It's because too many people are listening one by one it's Chinese whispers. By the time the issues from these communities make their way to parliament they have been tweaked, banged up and bent out of shape by the resin jewellery bleeding hearts that would be unemployable in any other sector. I am sorry to everyone's blue haired cousin for saying that.
But if someone told you that an Indigenous voice could slash both those things greatly reducing the amount of idealistic middle men from the equation while also stemming the flow of public money aimed at keeping these bloated organisations afloat what would you say? Because that's what an Indigenous advisory body would aim to achieve, putting the Elders in the same room with the decision makers, putting community leaders in the same room as the decision makers, making sure they come from a vast and diverse range of communities with a diverse and vast range of issues because we all know that one size does not fit all in any political strategy. That's what they're trying to achieve. The same way agricultural bodies get access to Barnaby Joyce and the same way mining bodies get access to Mark Canavan and the same way that rock bands and film executives get access to Tony Burke it's just about giving the Aboriginal people lobbyists which they've never had because they are a disadvantaged community, the most disadvantaged community in our country and they are not a corporation and they are not running on record margin profits but you would think they are given the amount of people employed in the sector and that's what the Indigenous Voice aims to minimise, it would eliminate the need for a vast majority of the deadwood currently employed in the sector and could very well see real and immediate results in community. Now wouldn't that just be so typical of Anthony Albanese to gleefully put thousands of people under work, that's reason five that the voice to parliament is a bad idea.
Lastly we've got reason number six and reason number six is maybe we don't want things to change at all. We've already outlined the historical horrors, we don't need to delve into the intergenerational trauma, the substance abuse and worse the incarceration rates for indigenous people that actually rival South Africa but is fixing these things what we really want to do? Like even if it works do we really want it to work?
What happens to everybody else at the bottom of the system if Aboriginal people find a path that works for them? Is Australian society solely dependent on us having to look down on someone or have someone to hate? A resoundingly positive referendum result would mean we need to find a new bottom of the pile and the next cab off the rank as we know is the rural white working class aka the Bogans aka rednecks or whatever our media and politicians want to call them whenever they occasionally become a political inconvenience to the system themselves. Does our government have to look after them too? What's next? We have to solve the ice epidemic that is thriving in the same electorates that have wielded the most political power for the last 10 years of governments? We have to stop sending young men to die in pointless American wars? If we start looking after the poor white fellas then the National Party might actually have to improve the lives of their most loyal voters. Will the Liberal Party have to actually listen to the National Party? Will we have to remove asbestos from the roofs of our public schools? Will we need to make sure there's a doctor available to deliver babies west of the Great Dividing Range? When you think about it the Indigenous voice could be the start of a landslide.
Imagine a world where we have wage increases that actually match the cost of living. Imagine a government being forced to ensure Australians are entitled to affordable housing. All Australians. Imagine a country where all Australians are entitled to affordable child care. Imagine reliable public transport for all Australians. Imagine a humane standard of aged care.
This actually isn't the direction we want to head in. In summary just vote no. Don't touch anything. Don't do anything.
Everything is fine. And that's it. That's our position on the upcoming federal election regarding the constitutional recognition of Aboriginal people and the subsequent Indigenous voice to parliament. Thank you for listening to our very first crack at Talkback Radio. That's what it's actually ended up sounding like. So yeah, thanks for that.
Hooroo! |
dropout | we_are_the_1_ | When Occupy Wall Street started, we learned that the richest 1% of the U.S. population controls 43% of the nation's wealth, we were shocked. That means that there's 57% of the wealth that we don't have. That is an outrage. We are taking our message to the root of the problem, Main Street. You know why? Because we are the 1%.
What do we have? Most of the money. What do we want? We're estimating.
Obama wants this millionaires tax. When I heard that, I dropped everything and had my driver take me to my helipad. I mean, do they really think we can afford an infinitesimally smaller amount of money? I mean, one of me is worth 262 of her. Sad. If we have to pay more, countless businesses will fail. Speedboat upholstery done, condos in Dubai empty, rhino hunting hats no longer with ivory tipped brands. We're making enough sacrifices already! My butler's butler had to fire his butler's butler! I am sick of these poor people mooching off my success. Just a minute ago, one of them asked if they could use this sign as their roof. Does government think I'm going to be the first generation of my family to share my wealth?
I'm rich. My daddy was rich. His daddy was rich. His daddy had slaves.
Hey, hey. Look at those fat cats.
Did you know there are still some laws that apply to us? Check out this video I took of a cop straight up refusing a bribe. Land of the free, right?
Why should I have to pay a millionaires tax? I'm a billionaire!
Think about it! Think about what you're doing!
Fox News is calling us organized, patriotic, purposeful. What? Only three adjectives? Why do I even buy that network?
We're prepared to stay as long as it takes. We bought all the real estate in this area and drove out the existing homeowners. Our movement started here, but it is growing. Occupy Detroit, Occupy Blanchard Oklahoma, Occupy the Long John Silvers off Route 29.
Listen man, listen. It comes down to this. If being rich is wrong, we don't want to be poor. I mean, who are we?
We're the 1%. |
cracked | a_series_of_the_worst_nicknames_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_2 | Hello welcome, thanks for checking in to the agents of cracked cracked erean collection in HD Stick around and watch the whole episode and then afterwards we'll share anecdotes behind the scenes Things there will be giveaways They will not there will not be a single giveaway There will be one give only one giveaway So you're my new partner new meat But partners like cops though not like gay guys the new Jeff Guy everyone's calling New meat you you just call me that I don't I don't think anyone else. It's calling me that but yeah, all right You know what you need? My nickname. No, I don't sure you do. Otherwise, what am I gonna call you partner? It's too long Parts No, how you doing? They're good to see a part Michael I don't find out who the most underrated care bearers by three o'clock. The chief is gonna throw me in a volcano I know Funshine bear right obviously, but I said that closes eyes and started firing wild do that tits. No, well something That's it. This is officially my project for the day Sharon clear my schedule. Who are you talking to? So, you don't like Sharon That's okay. I just need to get inside your head. Oh, no, you're not gonna try to mesh face. It's very soft Softy soft face no to which one well, well, well Michael and a whole moist bottoms off to the fair Yeah, you like it. Of course now. We're not off to the fair. We're off to the mainframe. Do some research Feeling pretty good about playful heart monthly for number four, but I'm not I'm gonna go on the tilt of world Oh Just doesn't add up You should move forest friends bears to the two-spot.
What do you think giggle bits? No tiny giggle bit?
No little tiny pants like a baby. No tiny soul. Nothing tiny privacy, no captain's stage.
Oh the lone shy gunman. Please leave me alone Timidaurus Rex No, no, no one here is saying that brave our lion was unpopular but we're talking about underrated here No semantics are important. The piece implies a sliding scale of perceptual relativity that I Know I'm aware of the supplemental Care Bear extended universe children's fiction stuff. I'm aware of it I just think that when you get into the non-canon material you wind up alienating the core user. I just No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not not you not you Right I know Hey, what do you think about the n-word? Cuz I was thinking old dirty bass account.
No Hitler revisited who would want to be called that you lady fingers Like the cookie and your dainty fingers stop following me. Are you printing it now? Yes, then can we finally do nickname stuff? Why were you not doing nickname stuff Hansel? No, not so silent Eve. No T-bone wait Huh?
Yes. Yes, really?
Yeah T-bone Hey guys, is this the cop your ass sweet? I'm new here T-bone Wait, that's your name. Look your your birth born baby Christian name your pet. Lonia's bone That's even cooler than T-bone Okay, see you later.
Oh Crackle team. Oh, okay, but something with alcohol though. Snifter. No Alky barfi pukezilla. I don't even drink.
Oh Ah the trial of dr. Baby This episode always stands out to me because episodes two and three were written before the pilot written before anything else in the show Michael and I didn't know each other will and we each took those premise Should we start over? Nope. Okay. We just took those premises I had nicknames and he had what someone calls Michael a fag on the internet and wrote it not knowing what the characters were Going to be yet. Yeah, he'll see was sort of like us also becoming friends.
Yeah, it was fun. It was nice We're not anymore, but it was a nice time. It was a nice period. It was an okay time It was all right.
All right, whatever. Fuck you you |
SaturdayNightLive | secretary_snl | Robert, I can't thank you enough for taking my case. Well, here at the law office of Schwartz and Alexander, that's just what we do. Plus, I know your father. Oh, sure wish I did. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Mr. Guchen, if you need anything, this is my secretary, Trudy.
Hiya, boys. Happy Friday. Yeah.
Trudy, could you please make me a. Bourbon on the Rocks? Where are you heading, boss? I like your style. And, oh, do you have my. schedule for the day? already on your desk. and no rush. could you please make me a copy of. Mr. Cuchen's case file? try 200 copies and also 100 at Mr. Cuchen's office. by the way, we're out of paper. Trudy, you have outdone yourself.
Well, a good secretary doesn't react. she anticipates. that is very true. that was the problem with the last girl at my desk. you know, that and she got so fat, a baby came out. Oh, I hate when that happens. Ugh. Anyway, Mr. Guchen, please join me in my office. I hate your suit. well, well, well.
How'd I know you'd get a little Dijon on your necktie? that's not a stain. it's a pattern, but thanks. Well, it filled me up. buy your boys. Good morning, Trudy. I have a package here for. let me guess. my boss, Mr. Roberts? Oh, that is correct. it's the evidence file for the Turner. Let me guess. Pace. Yes. And, Trudy, make sure to restock the bathroom. we're running low on toilet. paper. it's not impressive to guess when the answer is obvious.
Now, Trudy, before I get out of here, I'd like to introduce you to our new associate, Jim. Jim? nice to meet you, Trudy. Oh, I'm picking up on an accent. let me guess.
Georgia? No. Boston? No. Georgia?
No, I think I'm done meeting her. Goodbye, Trudy. buy your boys.
Always a pleasure, Mr. Guchen. Oh, please. Mr. Guchen was my father.
Call me Alana. Trudy, could you please call downstairs and order Alana here a, uh. four?
Oh, no. no, he wants a car. Oh, you want to do that with a car? Well, whatever floats your boat. Santos, get me your sexiest Dodge Cadillac and throw a towel in the back seat. All right, Alana, you've got yourself a four o'clock date with a car.
Trudy, please, I just need you to just. sit here and look pretty? Now that I can do. Oh, my God. she just fell through her desk. and somehow her top just flew off. Oh, Trudy. that's all true, boss. are you okay, Trudy? do you need anything? um, I guess I just need. a boss who's always here for you? seeing you? appreciating you? despite all the Hr complaints about. me bathing in the sink here at work? Mr. Roberts, I had no idea you wanted to. get lost in your butt?
I do. my God, I do. But if we're gonna get together first, you're gonna need to. smoke a fatty so you know I'm a real one? you read my mind. is it love? Beautiful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a car.
Trudy, could you please make me a. Bourbon on the rocks? Way ahead of you, boss. Oh, I like your style. And, oh, do you have my. of the day? already on your desk. And no rush, But could you please make me a copy of. Mr. Kuchen's case file? try 200 copies and also 100 at Mr. Kuchen's office. by the way, we're out of paper. Trudy, you have outdone yourself.
Well, a good secretary doesn't react. she anticipates. that is very true. that was the problem with the last girl at my desk. you know, that and she got so fat, a baby came out. Oh, I hate when that happens. Anyway, Mr. Kuchen, please, uh, join me in my office.
Wait. got your suit. well, well, well. How'd I know you'd get a little Dijon on your necktie? that's not a stain. it's a pattern, But thanks. Well, it filled me up. Buy ya, boys.
Good morning, Trudy. I have a package here for. Let me guess, my boss, Mr. Roberts? Nope, that is correct. it's the evidence file for the Turner. Let me guess, Case. Yes. And, Trudy, make sure to restock the bathroom. we're running low on toilet. paper. it's not impressive to guess when the answer is obvious.
Now, Trudy, before I get out of here, I'd like to introduce you to our new associate, Jim. Jim! nice to meet you, Trudy.
Oh, I'm picking up on an accent. let me guess, Georgia? no. Boston? No. Georgia? no, I think I'm done meeting her.
Goodbye, Trudy. buy ya, boys. Oh, it's a pleasure, Mr. Kuchen. Oh, please. Mr. Kuchen was my father.
Call me Alana. Trudy, could you please call downstairs and order Alana here A, uh. four?
Oh, no. no, he wants a car. Oh, you want to do that with a car? Well, whatever floats your boat. Santos, get me your sexiest Dodge Cadillac and throw a towel in the back seat. All right, Alana, you've got yourself a four o'clock date with a car.
Trudy, please. I just need you to just. sit here and look pretty? Now that I can do. Oh, my God. she just fell through her desk. and somehow her top just flew off. Trudy. that's all true, boss. are you okay, Trudy? do you need anything? um, I guess I just need. a boss who's always here for you? seeing you? appreciating you? despite all the Hr complaints about. me bathing in the sink here at work? Mr. Roberts, I had no idea you wanted to. get lost in your butt?
I do. my God, I do. But if we're gonna get together first, you're gonna need to. smoke a fatty so you know I'm a real one? you're in my mind. Oh, isn't love beautiful? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a car. |
TheOnion | This_Week_In_History_Statue_Of_Liberty_Arrives_From_France_Moves_Into_Cramped_Tenement_Building | From the day an ancient cave-dweller painted yet another fucking elk hunt on a wall in 15,000 BC, to Garry Marshall's 1974 discovery of 13 weather-beaten North Dakotan coal miners that would go on to become the cast of Happy Days, the Onion looks back at this week in history. On June 17, 1954, the effects of the previous month's historic Supreme Court ruling in Brown vs. the Board of Education provided black students with the educational opportunity of experiencing racism first-hand in desegregated schools. Up until that point, African-American pupils could only endure racial slurs and death threats in city streets or near their homes. With the Warren Court's decision, they now had access to hurtful rhetoric in the classroom as well. For too long, segregation has unfairly denied black students the crucial knowledge of what it's like to be spat upon in history classes or on the school playground. Now those doors are finally open to them. On June 17, 1885, the Statue of Liberty first arrived from France, moving into a cramped and rat-infested tenement building in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Shortly after her arrival, the statue worked multiple jobs under brutal conditions before eventually being hired to greet new immigrants on Liberty Island. After she was stripped naked at immigration, deloused and separated from her family who didn't pass their medical examinations, Liberty spent her nights sleeping on the floors of these poorly ventilated buildings next to dozens of crying children. She was suffering from scarlet fever and dysentery when New York officials spotted her working as a seamstress and said she had the perfect look and stature to welcome incoming immigrants.
And on June 24, 1784, 13-year-old Edward Warren took the first hot air balloon flight, becoming the first American to urinate on a crowd from 100 feet in the air. And that was what happened this week in history. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, historically speaking, I'd like to be reincarnated as someone who didn't starve himself and get shot. And on June 24, 1784, 13-year-old Edward Warren took the first hot air balloon flight, becoming the first American to urinate on a crowd from 100 feet in the air. And that was what happened this week in history. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, historically speaking, I'd like to be reincarnated as someone who didn't starve himself and get shot. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_vs_biden_debate_marjorie_taylor_greene_and_jasmine_crockett_trade_insults | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Shain. good evening, Michael Shain. I'm Colin Jost. President Biden and President Trump have agreed to two debates this summer for a preview of the debates, take a bottle of ambien and adderall at the same time. Biden posted a video challenging Trump to the debate, saying, make my day, pal,' to which Trump responded, let's get ready to rumble. two phrases that are guaranteed to lock up the youth vote. Donald Trump said that at the debates, he wants both of them to stand instead of sit. So that's the status of our Presidency. standing is a feat of strength. I think we can learn a lot more watching them both try to get out of a beanbag chair.
Michael Cohen, whose cologne I can smell through this picture, testified against Donald Trump this week. Cohen was portrayed by Trump's attorneys as someone who hated Donald Trump and was trying to get revenge. But the only evidence of that comes from Cohen's upcoming book, I Hate Donald Trump and I'm trying to get Revenge. Representative Matt Gaetz referenced The Proud Boys by tweeting a picture of himself outside Trump's courtroom with a caption standing back and standing by. Gaetz used that same caption in a picture of himself outside of Quinceanera.
House Oversight hearing devolved into chaos after Marjorie Taylor Greene and Democrat Jasmine Crockett traded insults. I think your fake eyelashes are messing up. No, I ain't nothing. somebody's bleach-blind, bad-built, butch-bodied. Don't tell me to calm down. you're out of control. Jerry! Jerry! it feels like I'm watching the Waffle House of Representatives.
President Biden announced that he's raising tariffs on Chinese electric cars to 100 percent. Unfortunately, Chinese electric cars is just what Biden calls Mario Cars. a growing number of black men feel like the Trump and Biden campaigns are not actually trying to forge true relationships and just want their votes. Yeah. during a new interview with Abc News, Steve Bannon called himself the voice of Maga and also the face of gout. people in Paris with disabilities are saying that the city has not fulfilled its promise to make it universally accessible before this summer's Olympics. and officials admit they're having some safety issues with the new Eiffel Tower wheelchair ramp. the Faa revealed that Donald Trump's Boeing 757 clipped a parked plane when it landed in Florida. But the good news is, Donald Trump flies around in a Boeing, so. |
cracked | which_apocalypse_would_be_the_most_fun_after_hours | ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. It's simple.
They're just an easily defeated opponent. They're a worse version of normal people. Who you also dominate?
I would be the terror of Zombietown. Doesn't that kind of depend on what kind of zombies you're talking about? There's only one type of zombie. No, I mean, if you're talking about the 28 days later type of zombies. This low, mindless destroy. Okay, if you're going to get into every Tom, Dick, and rage virus re-imagining of zombies, we will be here all night. Romero zombies are the only zombies we literally cannot advance this conversation otherwise.
And you've driven another woman away from us. She didn't even take my order. But back to Soren.
You want a zombie apocalypse? What if you get bit? Oh, no, that's no problem. I won't. We're doing hypotheticals here. You can't just say no. If we were in a zombie movie right now, who is the likeliest candidate for a strong-willed, selfless zombie-defeating protagonist? If I'm bit by a zombie, you've all been zombies for weeks, months for some of you. Sure.
So it's win-win for me. Okay, on one end, I'm leading a team of strangers turned unlikely heroes in a vicious battle. And on the other end, if I am bit, then suddenly the winning team has a franchise player.
I would be the worst zombie any of you could ever encounter. I would get their ranks in line. I would officially take out the rest of the humans. I might even come up with a renewable source of brains. You think we would die first, separately? I always figured we'd be like a team.
Dan, I'm a survivor. I play to win. I can't risk you slowing me down. Are you falling in love with me? Or are you trying to trade me with the zombies in exchange for leniency? I was just thinking that exact thing.
You know, I don't think I'd want to fight zombies. Well, no, Katie, nobody actually wants to fight zombies.
Really? Because it's all I want to do now.
No, I mean, for my apocalypse scenario, I mean, I would like a war because going out in blaze glory is attractive, but I would rather it be against a robot uprising instead of a zombie army, because robots don't have human faces. Yeah, they do, in their hideous robot claws. Okay, but you don't have emotions or feelings tied up with robots. You clearly never had a Teddy Ruxpin growing.
Okay, let me put it this way. I'm sure you all have already thought about what you would do if zombies were to attack this restaurant. Round up all the food and anyone who looks like they can fight, get them up on the roof. Wrap up all the zombies with my web and throw them into a train. Expect a man in line. Strike a deal with their leader by offering Dan as a trophy line.
Okay, all of these are good plans, but no matter how prepared you think you are for a zombie apocalypse, it's a different story when you're staring a loved one in the face that you have to murder. And frankly, I can't take the chance that you guys would puss out. I mean, you all think that you can shoot Michael in the face if you had to, but could you? Yes. I can't trust any of you to pull the trigger when you're staring at your best friend. I mean, it's our inability to guiltlessly murder loved ones that will bring about our ultimate downfall.
We got to get that on a family crest or something, a t-shirt for babies. You're living in a naive fantasy world? You should just call those pussies for not shooting our moms, right? Robots? Are you kidding me? They're giant metal monsters with no fear, no need to sleep, and an insatiable appetite for man screams.
Yeah, you fight. Why? You fight to win.
So what would your apocalypse scenario be? An asteroid that is without a doubt going to destroy the world. I want the weatherman to come on and say, this just in, north high front of meteors. There's meteors in six days, it's meteor time. Do you think a weatherman would break that story, not the president? I want an exact time limit, okay? I want total unavoidable armageddon, like in that movie Deep Impact. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like sticking at stuff.
Yeah, that's not how that's sound good. That's why mine's the best.
No one's running, no one's fighting, because there's nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide. So what do we do?
Bone city. Bone central.
Anything to take our minds off of our impending doom for a few hours. Minutes for some of us. Sure. No, we would survive, we would find a way, like the rescue arc in 2012. Alright, even if there are rescue arcs, why the hell would we be on them?
This is the real world. There's no Bruce Willis to punch the rock out of the sky, and there's no Jeff Goldblum to come through in the 11th hour with a nerd solution. Dan could be Jeff Goldblum. Thank you. It's not just any day, it's Independence Day. Bulls like Goldblum. No one is Goldblum, okay?
We're gonna die, and soon, and if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna use the remainder of my time mercilessly hitting on every woman I see. Hey, the world's gonna end tomorrow, but that still leaves us all night long.
Hey, have you seen TV lately? All sports are canceled, and everything else is just video of people crying, put me in you.
Hey, no one's gonna judge you. Who cares if you get pregnant, and you're not going to work tomorrow? Get in my goddamn van. Those are all reasons not to have sex with you. Sex is the last way to scream, I am alive.
To make a connection with another human being. Maybe even make a connection with someone in the butt.
You know I'm right. Aspocalypse. I think he might actually... No, he doesn't have anything. I won this conversation. One. No, it's... Give me one.
You're saying it wrong. You're not right the way you're saying it.
In a world where tomorrow doesn't exist. Indiscriminately sticking, it may be his only hope.
I feel awful about what just happened. That's what she will say. Hey, if Dan's gold bloomed, does that mean I'm Will Smith? Sorin is Will Smith. You're Randy Quaid. That's distasteful. If you make me the alien, I will punch you in the throat.
There's a stripper in that movie. There it is! You're the stripper. I've never been a stripper, right? I think she's the wife of Will Smith in that, so you're not doing too much. She's a stripper. She's still a stripper.
Look, you're concentrating on the aspects of this woman that are derogatory. She likes dolphins. She's married to Will Smith. |
cracked | 12_20_07_news_on_cracked_duke_nukem_forever_groped_santa | It's Thursday, December 20, 2007, and this is the News on Cracks. I'm Lex Friedman, and you're Jim. Well, that probably freaked out a few people, right? Especially if they were named. Local authorities in Uganda have arrested more than 100 people for not having toilets installed in their homes. A police spokesman said that the folks they've arrested are in quote, deep shit. French President Nicolas Sarkozy is dating a supermodel. And a story that serves as just another reminder that I've chosen the wrong damn profession. But while he's got the hot girlfriend and the whole president of a country thing going on, at least I don't have a debilitating croissant addiction.
A Northern California father and his three children, who had been lost in a snowstorm during a Christmas tree hunting trip, were discovered alive late Wednesday after days of searching. At last report, Father Frederick Dominguez and the three children were doing well under treatment for hypothermia, and a fourth child was deeeelicious. Mmm, I love baby.
3D Realms has released new information regarding the decade in development first-person shooter Duke Nukem Forever. Originally planned for a 1997 release, this latest incarnation of Duke Nukem supposedly got on target now that their new CEO took over, Axel Rose.
I, uh, yeah, you have to know pop culture to get that one, so hopefully you do. Earlier this week, a Connecticut woman was charged with sexually assaulting Santa Claus while she sat on his lap at a mall. The accused groper is named Sandra Amalemi, and was identified easily after the alleged criss-cringle-tingle since she was using crutches. She really was. So that's actually not a joke, folks, and neither is sexual assault. Except when it happens to Santa Claus. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back tomorrow to see what witty thing I say after I introduce myself. |
dropout | ask_ch_what_s_the_craziest_thing_you_did_to_save_money_in_college | The craziest thing I ever did to save money in college was an arrangement I made with a friend of mine. I was broke in college, but I still wanted to go out. So a friend of mine said, well, Grant, I'll pay, but there's a catch. You have to eat or drink whatever I order for you. You have to finish it, and if you don't, you're on the line for the check. I said, sure. What could possibly go wrong?
We went to a coffee shop. He ordered me a glass of milk. We'd go out for sushi, and he'd get himself a nice dragon roll, and he'd get me a bowl of nothing but brown rice. He'd go to a baseball game, and he'd get himself a nice foot-long hot dog, and he'd get me a popcorn bag full of just butter and a glass of milk. We went to a meatball restaurant one time, and my friend gets a little gleam in his eye. He does the cool guy thing, where he pulls the waiter down and says, yeah. And now the waiter's bringing out 10, 20, 30 different little plates, every plate with one meatball and one kind of sauce.
And I start eating. And I remember, I have to finish it, or I'm on the line for the whole check. So I go to work.
I start eating, and every single one of them was amazing. You've never had meatballs so good. I didn't know I liked mushroom cream sauce on my meatballs. I finish every bite, of course.
And I sit back, and I look at him. He looks back at me. He says, I'm happy to pay for you, and to celebrate, here's a glass of milk.
The craziest thing I did in college to save money was go, like, free food hunting. There was this one really fancy chocolate place that had these samples of pralines, and I would go, like, basically every day. But since I went every day, it was like, well, I've got to vary this up.
I don't want them to think I'm just, like, a freeloader, which I was. I'd come in with sunglasses, tie my hair up, put my hair down, put my hair in braids. God forbid you make eye contact, because then it's like, why do you keep coming in here and never buying anything? Well, I have sunglasses on.
I don't know who you're talking about. Who's that girl?
Or you make a big to-do, like, you're going to buy something, and you just happen upon the free pralines. Oh, these are for sale, and they come in a 12-pound. Do you have any samples of anything? A praline, maybe not what I was quite looking for, but sure, I'll give it a try. I can't look too thirsty for a sample. There's also a skincare place nearby, and very weirdly, they sold cookies. You hop in there after you get your praline. You go, you get some free sunscreen in those little packets.
Pop by the cookie counter. Don't make eye contact. You steal a little slice of cookie. You leave. You have not purchased anything from this store, and you never will.
So that was my little, we'll call it a side hustle, sure, in college to save money. The craziest thing I ever did to save money in college was to live in a substandard, unfit-for-human-living room. So let me tell you a bit about this room. It was half the rent because the college specifically told us that we could not let people stay there.
The door to actually get in was about three feet off the ground, a single light bulb hanging from the top. No windows. When you turn the light off, it got the darkest dark I've ever been in. My first night staying in this room, I lay my little tiny head down to sleep, and almost immediately hear the skittering of little rodent feet. So I bolt up, and I turn on the light.
There's a tiny hole in the wall, and out of that little hole comes this squirrel head. You can see just from looking in its eyes, this squirrel has been in this room for longer than I have, and it wants nothing to do with me. That squirrel destroyed almost everything I had. If you think you have a squirrel-proof box, you 100% don't. It tore open boxes like an alien tearing apart steel. One day I walked in, there was a cereal box that was actively wiggling around. I gave it a tap, and three squirrels jumped out like a clown car. Those squirrels destroyed more of my things than the money I saved in the rent in that horrible, horrible room. |
Wizards_with_Guns | mall_santa_killer_thinks_he_s_a_genius_the_disturbing_case_of_cristobal_meninguez | We want water, our Sprite, we have Coke, Diet Coke, what do you want? Salt.
This is 31-year-old Cristobal Menendez. He doesn't know it yet, but over the course of a calendar month, authorities have accumulated a bevy of evidence that he attempted to solicit the services of not one, but twelve hired hitmen to assassinate his wife, Tabby Menendez.
Okay, here you go. One salt. Thanks. During our examination of this footage, we will be analyzing the psychology behind the various interrogation tactics used by the detectives and the overall behavior of Mr. Menendez. Uh, could we try to make this quick? I forgot to clock out and they're going to start charging me for personal use on the suit.
This wasn't the first time Cristobal had been detained in a Santa suit. In 2013, while on the job, Cristobal was arrested at the Sears Town Mall in Titusville for pushing an eight-year-old into a Christmas tree after the young boy attempted to sip from a thermos hidden beneath the Santa display. Authorities discovered the thermos was filled to the brim with Nyquil. Menendez was quoted as saying, That's Santa's juice.
The bitch should have known. Not even Mrs. Claus can have a sip. Does anything come to mind when I say the username, KnifeMyWife13? I didn't, don't, I don't. I assume one through 12 were taken.
The username, KnifeMyWife13 was flagged on the infamous forum site known as 4chan, asking around for any resources for locating hitmen in the area. A police informant directed this user to the false website moneyformurder.gov. The user took the bait and proceeded to schedule several meetings with Brevard County undercover officers posing as hitmen.
So tell me about your home life. Do you have any marital problems? Is there any strain between you and your wife? Who? Your wife. I love my wife.
She is so gorgeous and so funny and I, we have so much in common, I just... Like what? We have the same phone.
Look, I'm sorry. I've just been so focused on work and I haven't really been thinking about my wife at all. The online transcripts say otherwise with excerpts such as, I can't stop thinking about my wife.
I want her dead so bad. She's always on my mind. She's always on my hit list.
Tell me, do any of these men look familiar to you? No. Not unless they're on the nice list.
Cristobal is attempting to use humor as a deflection, avoiding the detective's questions by pretending to be Santa Claus. This is impossible, as the real Santa has a big white beard and a belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Well, I'd say they're all probably on the naughty list, seeing as they're all killers for hire. Hmm. Yeah. As a matter of fact, they're all men that we believe you hired to kill your wife. What? The investigators have in their possession a sizable amount of video evidence of Cristobal meeting and hiring every one of these undercover agents. Are you Corey?
However, the department still requires a confession since the perpetrator would always wear a facial covering to mask his identity, some more creative than others. During each of these meetings, Cristobal would detail exactly how he wanted the hit men to kill his wife, with surprisingly varying instructions every time. Here's an invite to her birthday.
Bring poison. Hit her in the head with this, but with honor, like a samurai. Push her off a Ferris wheel. I want no blood in her by the end. But make it look like an accident. Completely vaporized. Don't shoot her in the head. I don't want her to suffer. Use a drone and a grenade. This is a nunchuck. Hit her with a paint can.
Have you seen Breaking Bad? The movie?
Here's a rope and a pulley. I assume you'll provide the piano. This recording stops here, but the agent recalls Menendez is stating it's gotta be a baby grand at least.
She survived way worse. She's a beast.
Trust me. A Yamaha stand-up won't do the trick. Why would I hire... is that even legal?
Because how would you trace that? How would you trace that?
It's very important that we find who hired these men, Mr. Menendez. I agree. The detective is hitting a wall here. He's going to employ a new approach in order to get a rise out of Menendez. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but unfortunately, your wife was found murdered this morning. This is an intentional deception. Tabby Menendez is currently safe and sound at a Ruth's Chris Steakhouse courtesy of the Brevard County Sheriff's Office. The detective is legally allowed to lie about such matters in order to draw out a confession.
Let's see how Cristobal reacts to such devastating news. Oh my god. My wife? Who? On Christmas Eve? Pay careful attention to what happens next. I... she... she... she was the... she was the love of my life. Did you catch that? The suspect reaches for the salt, then places his fingers directly in his eyes, producing tears in order to enhance his performance.
She was my best friend. I... she was so ugly, and I'm pretty sure she stole my phone. Like, she must have switched the SIM card or something, because there's a scratch on here that I do not remember.
And she's probably cheating on me. What? You're not certain she's cheating on you? I mean, I don't know. If you had a penis like mine, hell, I would cheat on me.
Can you pass the horsie sauce? Another thing to note, each of these meetings took place at an Arby's. Mmm. He's a brick. In what is perhaps a hair-brained attempt to cover his tracks, Cristobal never once held his meetings at the same Arby's twice. Instead, he traveled to over a dozen Arby's locations across central Florida. However, this location preference would inevitably be his downfall.
That's all I need for now. I think it's pretty clear you had nothing to do with this. Thank you. And, if I'm being honest, I don't think you had anything to do with this either. Okay.
Well, look, we've been interviewing for a while now. You must be pretty hungry. Me and the boys, I think we're going to grab some dinner. There's an Arby's nearby. You want anything? It's on us. Arby's.
This is a crucial moment in the investigation. Analysts noticed one menu item always ordered by the suspect at the beginning of these meetings.
Is that ever you? You want anything? Um, I guess, yeah, sure. Like a bacon cheddar. I think it's fair that I deducted from how much I'm paying you to kill my wife. The order is just specific enough to link the suspect to an identity. Maybe, uh, roast beef gyro, um, hold the tzatziki sauce. Anything else? No. All right, well, you sit tight and we'll get that for you. Wait. Add extra onion.
We got him. What? Cristobal Menendez, you're under arrest for the attempted murder of Tabitha Menendez. She's alive? Yeah. She's safe and sound.
Ruth Chris, no thanks to you. Okay, but I didn't... Come on, Cristobal.
It's fair and it's not legal! It's not legal!
Stop struggling! I was so careful! Can I get some help in here?
It's gonna be!
Shut up!
Cristobal managed to escape, but he was immediately arrested outside the precinct at the closest Arby's. He was quoted by witnesses as saying, I'll have you killed 12 times, just like my bitch wife Taggy, or whatever the shit her name was. Unfortunately, on the very same day, Tabitha Menendez choked on a ribeye at Ruth's Chris. She died instantly.
Hey guys, thanks for watching. We just want to take a sec to thank the sponsor of this video, NordVPN.com slash Wizards with Guns.
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Look at it. But how did they do this?
It was most likely a man in the middle attack. Michael probably connected to an impersonator's wifi at a coffee shop. Or a porn store. Luckily they only got my social media, but these malicious actors could have gotten access to my banking info or other compromising data. Like his social security number.
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This guy, he looks like Daniel Craig, just a little bit. Okay. Well, that's me. I put that in there to trick you. You're so handsome. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_democrats_win_senate_in_2022_midterms_rupert_murdoch_turns_on_trump_snl | Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. I don't know if that's really official, but we're not a real news program, so I'm just going to call it. I was actually surprised they won, giving President Biden's low approval ratings. I guess Biden's kind of like the Jurassic World movies. you know, extremely successful despite a 42% rating. Republicans, by the way, are not taking it well. Tucker Carlson, seen here struggling to make it through no nut, November. he criticized the voting pro. you guys are all doing it, too. .criticized the voting process and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy. I'm actually not that worried about the voting machines. I'm worried that they're being operated by the oldest people I've ever seen. Truly, this year, the woman who gave me my ballot was wearing two stickers, one that said i voted and another that said I survived the Titanic. the key senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker will move on to a runoff in December, but Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just, you know, take care of it, baby. Many Black voters in Georgia were frustrated with another runoff election because the burden of saving the Senate fell on them once again. it's happened so often there's already a movie about it. in a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America the greatest country in the United States. But on the plus side, at least he has a general idea of where he is. Walker then apologized for misspeaking, saying, i know I'm not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator. Senator Mark Kelly defeated challenger Blake Masters in the Arizona Senate race. Masters can now return to his true passion of i'm going to Guess strangling hitchhikers. President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024, but won't make a final decision until early next year. because it's like his doctor told him, I wouldn't plan too far ahead. After this year's election, a record setting 12 states will have female governors. while the other 38 states will have dinner ready on time. a 25 year old from Florida will become the first Gen. Z member of Congress. younger said Matt Gaetz.
Rupert Murdoch this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the New York Post ran a cover calling Ron Desantis Ron Defuture, even though Ron Defuture sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then, on Thursday, the post showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline Trumpy Dumpty, which had to be the easiest photoshop job in history. And now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ron Desantis. for example, did you know Ron Desantis is in charge of a state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?
Apple is saying that Covid in China. Apple is saying that Covid in China has led to a slowdown in iphone production.
Wow. so I guess a new variant does affect children. Love this crowd. nearly half a billion dollars was spent in California on campaigns aimed at legalizing sports gambling online, but failed by a wide margin, said supporters of the bill. Ok, double or nothing. |
cracked | the_time_burt_reynolds_dumped_horse_sh_t_on_the_national_enquirer | Do you know about the time Burt Reynolds dumped horse sh** on the National Enquirer? The tabloid newspaper that, let's just call it like it is, Prince Bullsh**, was running stories on Burt for many years.
And he kind of sat by quietly until finally one Christmas he decided to do something about it.
Burt owned a horse ranch in Florida not far from the National Enquirers, then headquarters in Boca Raton, where they were touting that they had the world's largest Christmas tree. Burt also had access to a helicopter. Are you seeing where this is going? Burt loaded up some nets with his homegrown horse manure from his ranch. And around 3am he hovered that helicopter over the National Enquirers Christmas tree.
Then he just kind of let it rip. Later on, in an interview with The Guardian, he told them, and I quote, dumping a helicopter full of horse sh** on the National Enquirer made me feel great. They'd been writing crap about me for years, so I thought it was only fitting. RIP to a king, truly. He never took any sh**, but he did give some. |
programmersarealsohuman | rare_interview_with_a_perl_programmer | After I introduced Perl to our company, they couldn't get rid of me. Good? I look good.
Are you recording? Are we recording?
Yes. Perl. I remember back in 19, 19, 19. When I was 19, I remember Cobol. I remember Assembly. Yeah, I remember Woodstock. Not that I've been. We didn't have computers back in the olden days.
I still don't know how to use that thing until this day. But the company trusts downtown for sex with me. The reason I use Perl is because I want to write scripts. No one can read and no one can understand. So that I keep my job. It's sort of modern art in a way. After I introduced Perl to our company and made it a fundamental part of our pipeline, they couldn't get rid of me.
Yeah, I remember. I remember the Black Perl. In fact, I wrote it. I remember. I remember it back in 19.
Everybody says Perl is dead. Now while I'm still here. Regular expressions. Do y'all know why the Perl logos are coming out? Think about it. If you want to keep a stable job, learn Perl. Is all these languages really art? What is this, by the way? 9 to 5? Man, I work 25 to love.
I'm not just a Perl coder. I'm a Perl poet.
Yeah, I remember. I remember.
Do y'all want something to drink? Well, get yourself some.
Is this encryption? It's a new Perl script I'm working on. First, we need to ask ourselves, what is programming all about? Is it about making useful machines? Is it making art? Is it about writing scripts no one can read or understand? So they can fire?
Yeah, I remember, Cobalt. It's sort of modern art in a way. Do y'all know why the Perl logos are coming out? Think about it. How do y'all know what files are supported in Perl? Is all these programming languages really art?
C++. Haskell. Regular expressions. Regular expressions are great, if you don't have a lot. We didn't have computers back in the old days.
Y'all want something to drink? Well, get yourself some.
What happens in the 80s stays in the 80s. Except for Perl. I remember back in 19. Yeah, I remember. What is this? I remember back in 19. |
dropout | hardly_working_pooping_without_your_phone | Okay Murph, I'm gonna go poop. You don't need to tell me. Yes I do. Where's Adam? Oh, he's in the bathroom. Then why's his phone here? Oh my God. He's gonna be so bored.
This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private. 55% cotton, 45% polyester made in China. Itchill and China.
Pull up, then pull down.
More, more, there has to be more. There has to be more.
Hey, hey, read me something off your phone. No. Come on man, I'll suck your dick. Hey boy, you must feel a mighty bored in here. Yes, yes please, help me. Ain't that a pity. Why don't you take a copy of this here, Uncle John's ultimate fully loaded bathroom meetup. No, well I'd hate for any of the users in my bathroom to be bored. You monster.
Back to here just one minute ago. Just one minute ago. It's so beautiful.
You're gonna be okay, buddy. You're gonna be okay. You did it, Murph. You did it. Hey guys, thanks so much for watching.
If you liked the video, feel free to post it on Facebook. Tweet about it. Group me into your pals. Text you to your exes. Call your aunt and play the audio for her on the telephone. Take a screen grab, print a few copies, leave it at post offices. Take a screen grab, print a few copies, leave it at most offices. But most importantly, don't forget to like and subscribe. I love you, Pat.
For Frodo. Bye! |
TheOnion | Oscars_Ceremony_Ruined_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_9 | Move over, moonlights. Last night's Academy Awards ruined by what might be the Oscar's worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and the superintendents who stepped in to make it all much worse. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Stay with us, we'll brief you on all the day's top news, like you're some kind of diplomat or something. The 92nd Academy Awards hit a snag last night when a leaky pipe began dripping water onto the Dolby Theater stage before the opening musical performance. Producers tried to keep the show on track, but things went from bad to worse when the theater super arrived and spent the entire ceremony loudly fixing the leak, marring the event for those present and television audiences. Take a listen. Oh yeah, that's a bad leak.
I go get the ladder. Here with the details is OPR's Marcie Hammond. Marcie, this was a real mess. It was, Leslie.
Just as producers were preparing to open the doors to over 3,000 celebrity guests, a leak sprung from a pipe high in the theater's rafters. A bucket was used to contain the leak, while Dolby Theater maintenance man Dimka Szymanski set up his ladder and tools near the back of the stage and got to work on the plumbing. But that's when the trouble really began.
Take a listen to the moment Mahershala Ali took to the stage to present best supporting actress. Please welcome two-time... The actress and actor I know wants to build a lasting body of work. That's shit again! She's a milker! Wow, as a viewer myself, I definitely noticed Dimka climbing up and down the ladder several times over the course of the ceremony. Just who is this guy?
Well, according to Dolby Auditorium staff, Dimka has been super for the past 15 years and is described by theatergoers as gruff and unfriendly. There have been complaints about his bad attitude, but so far the management company doesn't care because he's cheap and gets the work done. Well, he was a major distraction to everyone tuning in at home, but how did the superintendent's presence affect those in attendance? Well, it was just as bad for the guests, and even worse for those being honored.
As you'll hear, the audience could barely make out a word of Brad Pitt's acceptance speech. Thank you to the Academy for this honor.
You're using too much toilet paper. It told me only 45 seconds of the year. Everyone here, you need only use a little bit of the paper. It's shit, it's clogging the pipes, now it's leaking all over.
And that incident perfectly encapsulates the rest of the ceremony. All through Elton John's musical performance, the super banged along the plumbing, which he claimed was the best way to listen for other leaks. He also took at least four phone calls.
Oh, okay. I'm going to need the part. I'll be back later. Was he arguing with someone? Honestly, who knows what this guy, but perhaps the most egregious moment of the night came during the in memoriam after Demka thought he had turned off the water in the building. Take a listen. Okay, I'm back with the part.
God, this guy's an asshole. Seriously. I think the biggest question people have is, why does he have this job if he hates it so much? Some people just live to make others miserable. Very true.
OPR's Marcy Hammond. Thank you, Marcy. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | hillary_clinton_address_cold_open_saturday_night_live | And now a message from Secretary of State Designate Hillary Clinton. you thought I was gone, didn't you? I'm Hillary Clinton and I am so excited to come before the American people tonight with the news that I will be serving in Barack Obama's cabinet as Secretary of State. For me, this job is almost a dream come true. I so look forward to doing whatever Barack Obama asks of me in this difficult time. And let's be honest, it is a difficult time. in fact, one could say there has never been a worse time in our nation's history to step into the presidency.
Boo-hoo.
Seriously, would you rather fix the economy or travel the globe? Point Hillary! I think Barack Obama deserves the chance to fix our problems. And should he fail to fix them, I guess by using his amazing charisma or whatever, I will be there to lend my considerable experience. Because in today's global economy, one could argue there is no job more essential than Secretary of State.
But the question isn't, is my new job better than being President? Or is it better than being a senator from New York? The question is, is my new job better than being Governor of Alaska?
And the answer is yes. Yes, it is. But I do want to take a moment to reflect on Sarah Palin and her historic campaign. Moment up!
Best of luck to you. While I'm excited about the opportunities ahead, I also have a heavy heart. my appointment means that I will be leaving my post as New York's junior Senator. it has been such an honor to serve you, the citizens of my home state of New York. am I kidding? this is not my home state. it never was my home state. Pack up the house of Chappaqua, Bill. What's that? We never unpacked. even better. did somebody say my name? Oh, hello, Bill. I just want to say how happy we are to be back in your lives, America. you voted for change, but you ain't never going to change this. we Clintons are here to stay. you may think we're down, but like the South, vampires, and Britney Spears, we will rise again. you can complain about us all you want, but we're going to keep saying what we've been saying for 16 years. Bill. after you, Madam Secretary. Live from New York at 7-9! |
TheOnion | Man_With_Strong_Brand_Loyalty_Willing_To_Kill_For_Mazda | After issuing stern threats to critics this morning, Area Man and Mazda consumer Matthew Hunker spoke to our reporters about his willingness to kill for the Japanese car brand. You think I wouldn't slit your goddamn throat in the name of Mazda? You think I'm fucking around? Go ahead, say something bad about the top rated Mazda 6 or the award-winning CX-5.
See what fucking happens. I fucking dare you. You think I'm afraid to go to jail?
Hunker went on to tell reporters that he had a special message for any automotive survey and ratings organizations that ever even considered placing any other car brand above the 2013 line of award-winning Mazdas. All you consumer report car and driver motherfuckers listen up. The Mazda 3 is the top affordable small car in the market. It offers fuel efficiency, safety, and a five-speed transmission for a truly powerful performance.
And if you don't agree, I will break into your home and snap your fucking neck. And that's just the way that...
Is that a Honda Fit? Hey, what's your fucking problem?
For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review.
Mazdas. All you consumer report car and driver motherfuckers listen up. The Mazda 3 is the top affordable small car in the market. It offers fuel efficiency, safety, and a five-speed transmission for a truly powerful performance.
And if you don't agree, I will break into your home and snap your fucking neck. And that's just the way that... |
cracked | the_most_terrifying_sexual_harassment_psa_ever | Cracked asked two of its employees to write, film, and edit a sketch on their lunch break.
This is that. So I think it's a lock as long as we can get them on the phone. Oh, no doubt about it. Third quarter. Forget it. Absolutely.
I'll tell you why I went out with the front desk secretary last night.
Guess where I put my wiener. Her vagina. Wrong! Alright, I'll round the block. There's a secret entrance and if she is plenty drunk.
Hey guys! Hey! Hello!
So, you think you know about sexual harassment. Yeah, sure. Think again. That explicit conversation that you were just having about personal matters? Sexual harassment. Really? You better believe it, cowboy. If someone overheard your offensive language, they could sue.
Well, that is good to know. Yeah, thank you. Thanks. No problem. Hey, check out this calendar one of my clients sent me. Oh, terrific.
Sexual harassment. What? It's just a calendar. It's PG-13. They're all wearing bathing suits. Sometimes sexual harassment wears a bathing suit. Oh, what? Sexual harassment.
We weren't even doing anything. But you were thinking filthy thoughts, Dr. Cowboy. No, we weren't. No doubt. I was. Oh. Still, we can't even think filthy?
Sexual harassment. You can't say filthy in the workplace. Well, you just said. Sexual harassment. Okay. You know, I think we really made a difference this quarter. Sexual harassment. Watch your hands there, Hanzy McCowboys. How does he keep finding us? Sexual harassment. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. Sexual harassment. I love you. Yeah, it's sexual harassment.
Who is that? I don't know.
No, no, no, no. Fuck the white man.
No. No! |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_The_Totalitarian_State_Of_North_Korea | To help you understand this terrifying nuclear-armed nation that you will continue dismissing as an amusing sideshow attraction, we now present The Onion Explains North Korea. Kim Jong-un secured his rise to North Korea's highest office when, at the age of seven, he entered the bedroom of his father, Kim Jong-il, and discovered the Supreme Leader in the throes of passion with the country's Minister of Foreign Affairs. Despite his shock, he earned his father's gratitude by keeping his mouth shut. But Jong-un remained troubled by what he witnessed that night. His father's khaki suit balled on the ground, his face sweat-soaked and grimacing. For years, the sound of his father's panting echoed in Jong-un's mind and often made sleep impossible. Jong-un's father continued to promote him up the ranks of the North Korean government, however, an unspoken reward for his silence. Yet in 2010, when Jong-il appointed Jong-un to a position on the country's Central Committee, Jong-un nearly ruined everything by blurting out that he had once seen his father's erect penis.
The government of North Korea is divided into three distinct but equal branches, cruelty, suspicion and vanity, each of which works in cooperation and sometimes competition with the others in order to regulate North Korea. These three branches are further divided into a number of more specialized departments, including sadism, paranoia and megalomania. However, the actions of any branch of government can be overridden at any time by an executive order from explosive rage.
It can be difficult to understand what life is like for the 25 million people living under the oppressive regime of North Korea, despite the fact that life there is exactly the same as it is right here, under the oppressive regime of America. That's right, you heard me. In all the fairy tales we tell ourselves about freedom and opportunity, Americans are no better off than North Koreans are. You think the old US of A is a democracy? Here's your reality check, man. Whether it's men with guns keeping you in line, or a bunch of corporations keeping you pacified with hamburgers and iPads, it's really the exact same line. You think just because you get to vote and use Facebook, that makes you freer than some North Korean in a labor camp? Guess again. Think you can look down on North Koreans for jumping when their government claps?
You're just a puppet too. So blinded by 4th of July fireworks and flat screen TVs, you can't even see your own red, white and blue strings. Those people in North Korea don't even have any Kool-Aid left to drink. You swallowed it all. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_get_in_the_cage_with_nicolas_cage_and_nicolas_cage_snl | And now it's time for Get In the Cage, our flagship segment in which film star Nicolas Cage sits down with a fellow actor to discuss the craft and future projects. So please join me in welcoming Nicolas Cage and Nicholas Cage.
Well, good evening, Nick. you're looking very well tonight. Oh, it's very kind of you, Nick. you look great, too.
Guys, I'm gonna jump in here. How is this possible? I'm looking at two identical. Nick Cages. Well, Seth, I can explain if you just calm down! I'm calm. Okay, as everyone knows, my dream as an actor is to appear in every film ever released. However, until now, I've only been able to muster a measly 90% bringing shame upon my dojo. sure, of course.
But fortunately, today, science has prevailed, and I'm proud to announce that my cloning experiment has finally come to fruition. I'm sorry, cloning experiment? Well, that's exactly right, Seth. I am as clone. Oh. well, that does make sense, because you two are identical in every way. not in every way, Seth. Well, while physically we are exactly the same, there are some slight differences, personality-wise. yes, for example, this Nick is calm and stealthy like a ninja warrior. whereas this Nick is an exaggerated, screaming psychopath, and really just doesn't exist. that's high praise!
Yeah, I'm sorry. I just, um. I need to get this straight.
So, only one of you is currently starring in Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance, which opens this Coming Friday. that's right, Seth. And it's not to be missed, for it has the two key qualities of a classic Nick Cage action film. Number One. all the dialogue is either whispered or screamed. And, of course, number Two. everything in the movie is on fire.
I mean, I have to say, it sounds great. Hey, you mind your manners, hair gel! let's just calm down, Nick. let's do our self-esteem exercises where we pay each other compliments. All right, very well. I'll begin.
Nick, I love your charisma. Nick, I love your lion's heart. Nick, I love your sense of humor, dry and marbled like a quality beefsteak. No A1 sauce required for this jester for the tangy flavor rises from within. Also, I love your scent, musky and masculine, like that of a silverback gorilla in a form-fitting leather jacket. that's high praise. I have to say, it is. it's just great how much you guys support each other. Well, it's easy to support a man with the rugged, smoky features of a cunning cigar store Indian, and eyes that sparkle and pierce the hearts of women, both old and middle-aged alike.
And that is the true meaning of Black History Month. I just don't know what you mean by that now. Nevertheless, the time has come for us to ride on to our next adventure. What is that? we're gonna have a three-way with the Declaration of Independence. |
ClickHole | if_gay_people_said_the_stuff_hungry_straight_people_said | Hey, are you hungry? I am super hungry right now. Hey, how about some food? I'd go for some food right about now. It all looks so good. I could eat. Would you guys go in on pizza? How about some food? Everything on here looks delicious. Yo, I am ravenous right now. I am famished. I am so fucking hungry. I gotta have some food. Where is our waiter? Ugh, I need food. I could eat a horse right now. How long do you think before our food gets here? I could go for some serious food right about now.
I did not eat enough for breakfast. I didn't realize how hungry I was.
Did we get lunch after this? Lunch time?
Tonight I'm going to dinner with a friend of mine. She's straight, but it's totally cool. Oh wow, that looks delicious.
Hey, you wanna get some grub? I do. My stomach is rumbling. You can hear it. Wow, I am actually starving. Let's find somewhere to eat. Siri, nearby Chinese food. You think Grubhub delivers here? Were you gonna finish that? I've got major munchies.
Can I poach a tot?
I can't wait to go home and chow down. I'd be up for dessert. I'm hungry. Hey, do you mind if I snag a banana? |
cracked | 4_movies_that_didn_t_realize_they_ruined_humanity_yboc_spider_man_casper_bill_ted | This video is brought to you by NordVPN. Head over to NordVPN.com slash YBOC for a huge discount on a two year plan plus four additional months free.
And you know, it just really helps the show. Hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding and welcome to your Brain Uncracked, the show hosted by a medically specious physician who hasn't also hosted Jeopardy and The Only Show Uncracked considering selling Dr. Oz brand in erection pills. Anyway, I've got four hours to kill, so let's diagnose. Look, movie characters are like us.
They don't always make the best choices. You know, like how every character in the Saw franchise makes terrible decisions at any given point. But sometimes characters make decisions so terrible, they potentially doom the entire planet in all of humanity and audiences just don't seem to notice or care because they're selfish, probably. So selfish. They probably don't value life. Maybe I should tie them to a see-saw, literally see-saw them in half if they don't.
None of the teachers seem too concerned about this presumably thanks to the liability erasing magic of permission slips. And speaking of Peter's teacher, why does he talk like that? Was he bitten by a radioactive Nicholas Cage? What is going on? The next person who talks will fill this course. I kid you not. Does he now have a superhuman inability to control his spending?
Have you ever been dragged to the sidewalk and beat until you pissed blood? Anyway, after passing out from a sweat-drenched bout with a sudden fever, Peter wakes up the next day to find he's suddenly jacked and doesn't need glasses anymore. Not unlike every schlubby comedian who gets cast in a Marvel movie. Then Uncle Ben gets gunned down by desperate crook who seemingly moonlights as a 90s alternative rock band front man and after ugly crying for a few minutes, Peter becomes Spider-Man because with great power comes great box office returns.
And sure, it's great that Peter risks his life to save others but let's think about this from a big picture perspective. What would help people more? Swinging from building to building ridiculing muggers or I don't know, telling somebody about the frickin' miracle spider? If one single spider bite has the power to provide free LASIK surgery and restructure genes until bodies become 60% more Van Damme, what else could that spider juice do? Cure cancer, AIDS, male pattern baldness? I mean, it's worth a shot.
But Peter selfishly doesn't tell anyone about what happened and this is a problem because the researchers at Columbia aren't testing anything on humans. They're only studying spiders like a bunch of frickin' morons. We specifically learned that they have 14 other genetically enhanced spiders that could potentially do even more awesome stuff for mankind and yet, for some reason, science nerd Peter Parker doesn't mention that he stumbled on what just might be the greatest scientific discovery in human history because why cure devastating illnesses when you can fist fight costume billionaires and perform super powered swing dance routines?
For most of the Back to the Future movies, Doc Brown is like that kid you grew up with who had all the cool video games but never let you play any of them. He builds a time machine but doesn't want Marty to learn about his own future or make a few bucks gambling on sporting events or, I don't know, smother baby biff in his sleep or basically have any fun of any kind. Doc Brown's policy on abducting teenage girls in his car and knocking them unconscious, on the other hand, it's a little too relaxed, if you ask me. For two and a half movies, Doc constantly freaks out over the slightest alterations through the timeline. He almost gets machine gunned to death next to a JC penny because he doesn't wanna change the course of events. But when it comes time to hatch a plan to escape the Old West in part three, Doc employs the age old tactic of suddenly not giving a shit.
High speed! With no gasoline to power the DeLorean, Doc concocts a crazy scheme that involves hijacking a train, leaving the passenger cars behind and eventually destroying the engine car in order to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles an hour. I mean, you know, it works. Marty gets home and is totally safe and he ultimately faced more danger from a random encounter with the basis from the red hot chili peppers than literally traveling through time.
But Doc's plan sure does screw with everybody else and also all of history. I mean, everybody calls me Flea, but my real name is Michael. Let me do the math that Doc didn't bother to do.
There are three passenger cars on that train and in the car we get to see inside, there are about 10 visible people. So let's say there are roughly 30 people on the train. That's 30 people who don't make it to their destination on time. And if upon arrival, each person was supposed to interact with, let's conservatively say five people, that's 150 people whose futures have been altered that week alone.
I mean, think about how many business deals, arm duels, sexual rendezvous's and arm duels following sexual rendezvous's and rendezvous's for arm sexual duels were prevented by Doc's selfish actions. I'm the problem. I just do this. And here's another problem.
They destroyed the train. How long do you think it might take to get that line up and running again? Doc reads Marty the Riot Act for buying a magazine in an antique shop. It doesn't blink an eye when they completely shut down a major artery of transportation in the 1880s. Who knows what kind of crazy ripple effect that could have? Marty and Doc are lucky they didn't come back to a future where Biff owns a casino run by Jennifer's sex clones and the world is controlled by a half-lizard, half-Hitler robot king. And speaking of time travel.
Change back. I'm sorry.
In Bill and Ted's first excellent adventure, the tale that taught humanity the joys of learning as long as nobody tries to make you read some stupid **** book. Two idiot high school kids use time travel to create the world's best history report and also set up elaborately choreographed stage lighting that nobody really mentions. See, Genki's very much enjoys Twinkies. The whole reason they get contacted by future time traveler in the first place is because their objectively terrible band will one day write the music that brings peace and harmony to earth. It's basically a reverse Nickelback scenario. So Bill and Ted travel back in time and abduct key figures from the past so they can pass high school and not have Ted get shipped to a military school in Alaska which would have ended the band before they'd had a chance to save the world. But isn't that a terrible idea? Exposing ancient people to the modern world for a couple of days and then plopping them back in their own era would cause innumerable problems. But at least that was intentional. By Bill and Ted face the music, time is collapsing on itself and historical figures and places are getting blasted into the wrong eras. The movies wisely choose to mostly breeze past the implications of Abraham Lincoln and Joan of Arc needing about two minutes at a library to learn when and how they are murdered or the near certainty that these figures will head back to their timelines carrying monstrous modern diseases like the Arby's meat sweats.
We have the meat. But there is one horrifying problem the movie just straight up shows us. Thanks to Bill and Ted, all of human musical history is now based on the shitty faux glam rock of Weezer. It's working! I mean, think about it. In the first movie alone, Beethoven falls in love with garbage Bon Jovi style rock music 200 years before it's actually invented, meaning that his own highly influential music will now bend towards living on a prayer rather than, you know, something good like the Halo theme song. Oh. But that's just the tip of the iceberg because Face the Music culminates with Bill and Ted infinitely replicating themselves and traveling through all of time, handing out instruments and demanding every person in history jam along with what's ultimately a pretty mediocre rock song in the basic-ass key of C. They literally combine Mozart, Jimi Hendrix, Louis Armstrong, Ling Lun, a pre-star drummer, and Kid Cudi, I guess, to create the world's greatest super group. Can someone please tell me what the hell is happening? And they can't come up with anything better than Bill and Ted ripping a dual harmonic guitar solo tailor-made for a porno set during an NFL tailgate party. This is what fixes and heals all of humanity and time, by the way. That means that the entirety of human existence is not only aware of this specific, terrible genre, but it also quite literally was or will be the key to saving existence as we know it. Nobody's ever gonna play anything else. All that incredible music from the past and future is now forever tainted with wailing guitar solos and not even Jimi Hendrix solos. ["Jingle Bells"] He barely did anything in the finale, so as not to detract from the two old white guys raised on Pantera. For shame, Bill and Ted. And it worked.
["Jingle Bells"] The 1995 Casper movie is the profoundly disturbing story of a poltergeist crushing on a teen girl made even creepier with the knowledge that even though he looks and sounds like a dead child, Casper is technically a dead man in his early 40s. Casper, no! Another detail you may have missed as a kid, Casper ruined his father's life. Like when Casper and Kat are digging through old newspaper clippings, we learned that Casper's father was declared legally insane and committed to an insane asylum after he claimed that he was haunted by the ghost of his dead son. And maybe we can't fully blame a dead kid for trying to reunite with his dad, but also maybe Casper should have learned a lesson and thought twice before haunting somebody else. But then again, maybe his haunting is justified because we also learned that Casper's father built a steampunk escape room basement containing a machine that could bring Casper back to the world of the living, seemingly powered by vials of Kool-Aid or maybe Red Bull or possibly the blood of Richie Rich.
His face hurts, and where is his glasses? In any case, Kat plans to use the last vial to necromance Casper back into his full Devonsawah glory, but then her dad gets drunk and accidentally kills himself. Welcome to children's movies, circa 1995. What's it like to die? To be totally fair, the construction crew that dug a giant hole directly in front of a bar entrance should probably shoulder at least some of that responsibility here. Then Kat's dad comes back as a ghost, so Kat says, sorry, young child, you never got a chance. It's much more important that we bring back this much older man who will one day save the Earth from an alien invasion.
She fires up the machine and it totally works, holy crap. Ugh. And then they immediately rush off to host a Halloween party. They literally found a cure for death. I mean, the Lazarus machine wasn't powered by magic. It was a combination of chemistry and mechanical engineering that could somehow bring dead people back to life. At the very least, Kat and her dad have a huge ethical decision to wait here.
Like, shouldn't they tell somebody about this? Better yet, shouldn't they have told somebody about this before they blew their spectral wad and brought Pullman back? I mean, take that vial to some scientists and have them reverse engineer it.
If one crazy dude in his basement could make it, surely the world's combined scientific prowess could create a replica. They could bring back Einstein or Martin Luther King or Randy Quaid. ["Randy Quaid"] Most importantly to them, they could easily bring back Pullman and Casper. It's not like there's a time limit on how long you can be a ghost before you disappear forever. Casper's been around for a long, long time. Just tell Pullman to wait a little bit and go haunt some co-eds or something and then get some scientists on it, and boom, humanity is saved.
Or, you know, bring your dad back to life immediately so you can have a chaperone to a Halloween party or whatever. ["Halloween Party"] Cause like, even having my dad haunting me would not stop me from going crazy and pouring drugs into the punch or something.
Kathy, am I right? Drugs in the punch? Oh, hasn't been four hours. All right, so here's the deal.
We could talk about NordVPN and how it works in 60 countries and it's super secure and it's backed by a top cybersecurity firm. I could say that or I could just show you how to actually use it in a way that you want to use it. So in this video, we talked about Spider-Man, but the problem is that in America on Netflix, if I want to look up the old Spider-Man, there's no Spider-Man here, except whatever this friggin' vexed by venom crap is. So what I do if I have NordVPN is I quit out of Chrome, like fully quit out of Chrome. Then I open up NordVPN and I'll pick a country that does have Spider-Man, like let's say Spain.
So now I'm in Spain. I open Chrome back up. So I go back to Netflix, which thinks I'm in Espana. And Puedes, mi erar, is that what it is?
And you can just click on it and then all of a sudden you're watching Tom Holland just have a blast. And that's literally all it takes. It's all you have to do.
It's very simple to use and it allows you to only subscribe to one service rather than trying to get Disney Plus and Hulu and Netflix and all these disparate things. You can just find one service, you can pay for Netflix or something, and then you get NordVPN through us, ideally, and then you can watch freakin' all the things. And there are tons and tons of articles and websites and stuff that will point out, hey, Spider-Man's not available on America and Netflix, but it is available on Spanish Netflix.
And best of all, it's a 30-day risk-free guarantee, which means if you don't like it, if you can't figure it out, if it's too hard for you or if you're my mom, for example, that's okay. You can get all your money back after 30 days. So all you gotta do is go to NordVPN.com slash YBOC and you get this freakin' huge discount on a two-year plan. Plus, you get four free months, so do it. Help me, help yourself. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tom_brady_regrets_roast_800_pee_stained_jeans_snl | The Westminster Kennel Club dog show has selected a miniature poodle named Sage as the winner of the title best in show. While the loser is once again every human participating in this, Tom Brady revealed that he has regrets about last week's Netflix roast, saying he didn't like the way it affected his kids. But that isn't stopping him from performing in tomorrow night's Netflix roast of Tom Brady's kids. King Charles is official. Poetry is being criticized for depicting him on a harsh red background, but in the Royal family, that's better than having a black background. I thought they'd like that color. Better you than me.
A high-end fashion brand is selling a pair of jeans for $800 which appear to have a pee stain on the front jeans with a pee stain on the front, please, I can make those in my sleep. Mcdonald's is releasing a new Grandma Mcflurry, which they say tastes like grandma's favorite treats that she hid in her purse. It's a combination of butterscotch, crunchy candy pieces, and a big black vibrator.
It was reported that a yacht and the Strait of Gibraltar was sunk after a group of orcas attacked it. Nice try Orcas, but we're never releasing the prisoners.
A growing number of high-end luxury apartment buildings around the country are offering new amenities, including Iv drips to help recover from hangovers. And if that sounds appealing, learn more at Alcoholics Anonymous. An upcoming Tv special starring actor James Van Der Beek will attempt to raise awareness about prostate cancer testing. it's called Dawson's Crack You. |
TheOnion | Report_Most_College_Males_Admit_To_Regularly_Getting_Stoked | I'm Juliana McAdams filling in for Clifford Banes who is playing Trivial Pursuit for his neighbor Gene. A recent report from the Shuffleworth Institute shows for the first time that more than half of college-aged males say they regularly get stoked. Are young people ignoring the dangers of being stoked? Yes, kids as young as 17 or 18 are getting stoked over things as simple as snowboarding or finding $10 in their pants pocket.
I think that's horrifying. It's not safe. It's dangerous and annoying. I really think this is all being blown out of proportion.
So what if a young man buys a pair of sunglasses, gets a little stoked, and then gives out a bunch of high fives? What is the harm in that? Duncan, have you ever seen anyone who's stoked? Yes, I have. They're like, dude, dude, try these nachos. That's just irresponsible. It's so scary. One minute you're getting all stoked up about a weird looking tree and then the next minute you're chest bumping with some dude where both of you break your sternums and you're on your way to the emergency room. No, but I mean getting stoked is as big a part of growing up as living large or getting weirded out. But there was an incident at the University of Michigan last year where a college sophomore became so stoked after finding his favorite sweatshirt behind a chair at his friend's house that he remained stoked for 52 hours. That was a frightening story. I mean apparently he was just telling everyone he was so stoked about finding it and saying fucking yes, fucking yes, fucking yes. And the situation was he thought he had lost it. I mean you would be just as stoked if that happened to you.
I would absolutely not be that. Don't give me that.
Former BMX biker Ty Lindgren just wrote a confessional novel about being stoked during much of his career. He wrote, every day was just one big fucking trip. I was just so stoked to be on the professional BMX circuit.
And now he's dead. He is? Oh my God. Well I assume he is.
Duncan, I know personally that the effects of getting stoked can last a lifetime. When I was young I had a great, great day at the beach and I got really stoked. And that evening I got this. It's a sweet sun.
Guys, come on, there are very normal people who get stoked from time to time and their lives are fine. People just don't want to be told everything is so tight over and over and over. Nancy, don't hate, man.
I'm just telling you how it is, fool. Okay, all right, how about this? How about this?
I'm stoked right now. Oh now? I'm feeling great. I'm stoked. Stoked and you're stoked?
Yeah. And you know what? That's the love for the V, right? Fuck yeah, man.
This shit rules. We're not going to let you face it in my life.
Boom!
This is ridiculous. This is wrong. Where are my fucking homies at? God! Call me out, Shorty! |
cracked | star_wars_is_mostly_stupid_galactic_war_room_cracked_throwback | The Galactic Authority has gained control of the entire universe, but for a small uprising, desperate to find a cure for the powerful King of Galaxies, who is in a space coma. Now, as our heroes return with vital schematics, the Authority lays siege upon the uprising's secret base.
Pull up to Lobos. At the poles. Fields of it.
But... Doom bases. However... The Doom bases aren't complete.
The parts are being shipped from factories on lists. We take those factories out that can't finish the weapons, except the factories are shielded. They don't have to be.
We destroy the Dam on Jeya, the River Moon. It's all just a bunch of rivers. These dams power the Doom base factory shields. Let's get moving, Dam.
Old times. It's just like them.
Is... does anybody need these on? Is it okay if I... Clear to launch? Okay. Let's get deliveries ready. The Queen and her squad should be through with the orbiting attack soon.
Officer Benny, do you... Could we build our own Doom base? Yes, sir. Of course. What? The Authority keeps blowing up stars with their Doom bases. What if we got one, too? We could blow up some of their Doom base. Whoa. Hey, Chief.
Think you could build a Doom base? I can build anything. Oh, and hey, we still have those stolen plans from a few years ago. Don't need them. All I need is a good team, some know-how, and literally tons of iron and other resources. Like, I wouldn't even use a normal measuring system. That's out the window. I'll just say, give me a planet of iron. I'm sorry, sir. It looks like that's a no. Because that's how much iron I'd need to build a planet-sized Doom base. The Authority builds like 10 Doom bases a year. We can't build one.
The Authority does have virtually unlimited resources, as Rebels were kind of donation-based. But we have royalty on our side.
Well, you're not getting anything from me, Space Rats. My father's the king of galaxies. I know. And my mum is a stupid queen, you dope. I'm not giving up one coin. Nobody's asking you to. I'm just spitballing here.
No bad ideas in a brainstorm. Just trying to see if we could build a Doom base. How do you even start a project like that from scratch? Make a shell, then fill it? Make a core, then build out? Just build it in space!
Out! Out in the ombre for everyone to see for years.
Benny, order one Doom base, please. Yes, sir. What? Lieutenant, it's a planetoid-sized battle station. We're a small patch of Rebel forces.
We can make one, but for a couple of months, everyone here will only be helping us build a Doom base. Our pilots, our medics, everyone will exclusively be Doom base construction workers. You'll be one.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, yeah! Whoo!
Okay, HQ, they hope you guys will be trouble anymore. We killed all of them dead. On behalf of the whole rebellion, let me clearly state that we sincerely appreciate what you are doing back at HQ. I know, it seems like you're taking no initiative in doing no real work, but I can't stress enough how important it is that you folks at HQ maintain this guys' will by doing nothing of consequence.
You are the real... Whoo! Yes! Great shot! You're the real...
Set level four throughout the base. Cancel the, um, the stuff.
Well, hey there, buddy. Let's have it then. Lieutenant Keel, a message from Captain Lander. Hmm, yeah, okay. This is what I expected. What is it?
Is the war over? Yes, the transgalactic war ended, so she said, Ooh, yeah, okay. I know, I was here when it happened. So, what do we do now? The war isn't over, but, well, the cosmic wizard knight who's been sort of the linchpin in our entire efforts against the authority has absconded with one of our ships to a remote planet for more training. It happens from time to time when you have chosen one style space warriors and senior command. His quest should wrap up in when it needs to.
In the meantime, we need to get this map to the general right away. I cannot stress enough the importance of this. If this map fell into the wrong hands, our entire efforts would be for nothing. The security of this drive is crucial for everything that we hold dear.
Yes, sir. See that the general gets this. And do not be followed. So, did nobody read my memo? I can read.
I set up a cross net. All consoles are now equipped with both inter and intra communications. How do we need some new tech for something we already have a system for? Exactly a moment ago would be a good example. All of our most crucial maps we're just putting onto tangible things then giving them to tangible other things that are vulnerable and slow. Now you can instantly share information and send messages across a network. I mean it's similar to all communications that exist on like our comms.
Now instead of dropping mostly classified information into wobbly andros and sending them off to different planets. We just you know don't need to do that.
So we'd send the map to the andro and then the andro would tell the general. You can send the map directly to the general yourself.
Faster, easier, totally secure, press of a button you're done. Well, thank you. How do we? Probably in the memo. I got a message from the general. I did too. Oh, I'm going to send him the map. Already did. He says thanks. I'm going to try sending something to everyone. Did it. Got it.
That is so fast. This is immediately better. I am never going back to andro.
My life mate is on here. I could message her. Ma, it is me. I am talking to you instantly. Do you think this sends pictures? What do you do if you have no messages? How could one, you know, join in on this fun world?
Ayla can't owe you money. Ayla died. Heroically.
Oh, another message from Binny. What? I got it too. What? We do a message.
Success. Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. All right. That wasn't meant for you. Well, we all got it. And so did, hey, the general.
It wasn't meant for, this is crazy. This is new tech.
This could have happened to any one of us. Any one of us.
Why does yours do that? Mine has this, like, razor sort of, like, edge to it.
Ayla! Whoa, you can't dismantle an incredibly useful piece of tech just because of one disgusting incident. I'm not waking up one morning to an inbox full of Wampus's delicate sack. There's nothing wrong with Andros.
I kind of like the waiting. Well, hello. How can I help you? I'm looking for the war room of the entire rebellious uprising. You're in it. Big map's over there. Perfect. Well, I'll be going now. Did you get some good shots?
You do realize I'm not in the uprising, right? Oh. Then why did you tell me? To be honest, I only got into this line of work for the action. What kind of action? Oh, my starboard! A chosen one. Ugh!
Do we have no security? Sir, I just don't think it's a secret base, as in secret is a comprehensive security plan. What do you mean you have a blaster, don't you?
We have a guy full of space magic. Space magic is a myth. I don't know what you're talking about. He clearly died of a space heart attack.
I'm very busy. Okay, until someone new defects from the evil galactic hegemon, Ayla, I need you to cover Bini's duties. I'm a technician, not a whatever Bini was. Clipboard guy, helper. Fine. Wampus, if you help out, I won't make you talk about the fact that you definitely have space magic. I get an office.
And an wardrobe. And slave girls. Take most of that off. Please.
Good. I decree this settled. No, back to the slave girl initiative. People, that won't work.
The process will grow him to adulthood immediately. We can program his personality however we want, and oh my, wow, it would work.
There are moral issues though. Are there? So the soul, you know, and it's, I don't know, determining someone's life purpose for them? Yikes. Morals. We wouldn't want to turn into the bad guys.
Exactly. Even if we're only creating one fraction of 1% of the number of clones they've created. Exactly. And even if the Doom base plans we stole included cloning instructions that look easy to replicate. Exactly.
What? Even if that pile over there is stuff Bini was supposed to do in the last 10 minutes. Someone be at the end slave girl, I've got me some space juice. This is so wrong. So are poverty, slavery, and the sex pits of Bar Show 5. Disagree?
Who am I? What is my purpose? Your purpose?
Um... Your purpose is to work? To work? That's all. Just to work. Forever. Sounds good. How can I help you?
Close. Boy. Close.
I'll be right back. I feel like he's going to decide working for the rest of his life isn't worth it. It sounds like everyone I know. Have you done hogging the machine? Okay, time to start the meeting. I wanted to start off by thanking all of you for your recommendations for the new staff position.
Why? You haven't used any of them? It's just that none of them have been exactly the right fit for what we're looking for.
My rec literally ran a rebellion. Successfully. If anything, he's overqualified. Just wants to join because he believes in the cause. And any rebellion would be lucky to have it. Like the one he successfully ran. Right. Great job. Good rec.
It's just that in terms of points of view being represented, we have an opportunity to hire a new person with a different point of view and perspective. Do I really have to spell it out for you, my entirely humanoid staff, in this galactic war? Oh, we have to hire an alien.
I'm not saying that. Oh, that's fine. But I'm not saying that. But we're going to. But I didn't say that. And I would never say that.
Anyone has just as good a chance as anyone else is my official stance on that. So we could hire my war hero. Officially, theoretically. But... Okay, let's all take a look at these candidates that have been selected based on completely arbitrary, just a random selection of candidates. Let's discuss.
Waste of time. Don't even know why I'm here. Me neither. I didn't actually ask you and I don't think you'd listen if I did.
Just want to see if they're going to be any cute girls. Alienoids are fine. My sexual tastes are quite... ...inclusive.
Gross. Please leave. Our first applicant. This is Abaddon Kent. Male. Yes. He was the Project Space Manager on the Space Development Project and Lead Space Developer on Project Space Management. Sounds like a pile of buttholes. Sounds like he could do my job. Don't worry, Benny.
You're irreplaceable. I'm a clone of my dead self.
That compliment is meaningless. We can't hire Shokushu anyway. What? We're the rebels. We shouldn't discriminate based on...
Shokushu constantly emits a gas that melts human eyeballs. I'd need to build a containment area for him. And Shokushu have seven genders, so we'd need seven bathrooms. That's going to use up most of all I have in terms of raw construction materials. If we hire Mr. Hent, we can't fix anything that might break between now and the end of the war.
Sounds like a pass from the group. Okay! Sir, there's something wrong with the picture. No, I did not.
This next candidate, Slagajagmagtekacragvragmim, is genitalian. He's a rough mass of penises, vaginas, and rectums assembled into a rough, humanoid-ish shape. How many bathrooms does he need? Only one. And it's just a room with a drain at the bottom because when he poops, it explodes out of him in all directions. Bathrooms come up in this conversation way more than I'd anticipated.
I really want to walk in a pile of butt holes here. I merely kind of want you to pass. I wish you'd leave. I vote yes. I also vote no. Am I going to be so good for your rebellion I meant to me, or am I unoppressed worthy? Me nada makes the best of space for spaghetti. This feels offensive in some way. You don't feel great. Pass. My father was betrayed and murdered by the authority and I vowed to seek revenge for pretty much something I'm good at as data entry.
So... The only bathroom she'll need is a box full of dirt. Nobody asked about that. Well, that's where my brain goes now.
His references are pretty strong. Her references.
Oh. Pass. Let's face it, we're not going to find any... Show me the cat one again. Slow.
This process is exhausting. Seriously, I'm sweating through my gills. Gills?
I'm an eighth squatterian on my pa's side. See? That counts! We have an alien. Ayla, tell your war buddy friend they're hired.
I don't care. Well, that's the day then. Well, that doesn't feel great. Feeling kind of exploited, honestly.
Those are some nice gills, girl. Damn. Nice.
I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it good.
Sir. Officer Binney. Can't you see him in the middle of something? Go.
What happened? Did we lose? Did we lose the war?
See, kid? You're catching on. Most people will say oof when they lose...
Silence! Let me finish. War. Silence. Okay.
No, we're fine, Wampus. A lot of yippies and woos. More than actually seems appropriate for a war in which people die.
Hey, you know how we have robots? Do I know how we have robots?
You're aware that there are andros in the uprising. That we designed. Yes. They help navigate. They hack into base camps. Some can fly. Some shoot. We entrust them with our most important information. Honestly, they're probably the most essential part of this war effort.
Nobody's arguing that. I am. I just did. Robots are great. But he's arguing against you. I swear by these robots. Sure.
But do you know we've made them to scream? Come again. Why put them here?
I don't know.
Sure. But do you know we've made them to scream? Come again. Why program our robots to scream? Come one more time.
Our robots scream when in pain. Some panic when in danger. Why? Soldiers who feel pain are more efficient and less reckless. Their screams alert us of their pain. Alarms could do that.
I think we needed something to feel lesser than so we could control it. If robots were perfect, efficient, we'd feel insecure. So we installed fear, screams, and shame in them so we wouldn't feel bad ordering them around. That seems a bit cynical to me.
I, for one, don't believe that anyone should need us subordinate just to boost up their own- Sorry, I just want to- Bee! Didn't I already tell you that I don't need you right now?
Sorry. Very sorry.
Okay, keep the screaming robots. Nobody was asking if we should get rid of the robots.
You know what I mean. Case closed. Subject done. Hey. Hey, one of you.
Do you have any fizzer left? Check the mini fridge.
Which of you do I outrank? Technically all of us because your family's paying for the rebellion, and technically none of us because of a rebellion fighting an oppressive regime. So, not much for taking orders from monarchs. You can outrank me if you want.
Perfect. Bring me a fizzer hither. Red, please. Stop. Is this rebellion related? Yes. Because if it is, if getting you a delicious treat is rebellion related, you'll need to make a formal request in writing. We need a holotrail for every- Great star lord. Fine.
You are released back to your previous toiling. Now you have space, manager. I have no such thing. Someone be a button and close that- I will close. The mini fridge later.
If you admit that you have space magic- Ooh! Space magic! You- you really believe in that stuff. Look out! The rest of you, the universe is made of magic! We saw you accidentally kill that authority operative with space magic.
Don't think we didn't all of us see that. I didn't know such thing.
I merely prayed to the great star lord, and he saw fit to reward my party. Ha! You believe in that, malarkey? The great star lord. The saint of the star warriors who died in a cross-wing fighter for us and rose three parsecs later to become our lord and celestial. Yes, I think I believe in that malarkey. Hail star lord. Yes, yes, star lord.
You're being facetious. Well, good for you. As we now see, I too am capable of facetiousness. Good for you. Thank you.
Look, I don't rub your noses in my religious truths out of respect for the work- If you respected the workplace, you'd close that door. If you respected the workplace, you'd use your space magic to save the galaxy. Our workplace, if I have to again remind you, is a rebel uprising trying to save the galaxy.
You could do anything! You know we've had a pilot on a bog planet for the past eight months just trying to wiggle a stone with his mind.
Oh yeah, how's that going? Not good. I thought I intimated that pretty clearly. It's going not good.
Because space magic is a myth. It's something that poor people tell each other to feel powerful. You are walking proof that space magic exists. Just because the space magic warriors die out every thirty years or so doesn't mean the entire galaxy's forgotten about them. I mean, your father was a space magic warrior.
I'm not my father! Silence!
What? Yes, blended.
Take them away. Who take Kuma away? You. Yourselves. All of you leave.
Sir, the shipment of medicine is late. We believe it had to reroute to avoid authority forces twice. Any food yet? One shipment was destroyed by the authority. One ran out of fuel last week. And now? The most recent fuel shipment's been rerouted, sir.
Any of these applications to join the authority? They're death certificates for the crew of one of the food shipments. Should I get an application?
No. I thought it was a joke. Jokes have got sad quickly.
We spend so much time, so many lives, avoiding authority forces. All they do is look for us and get shipments in on time, I bet. Say what you will about them. They're evil. Objectively, they get things done. They have good, efficient systems in place. You know, we could take a lesson or two from them. Does anybody know anyone in the authority?
My niece is interning there. See? Internships. We should get interns.
They don't get paid. None of us get paid. We're a rebel uprising.
You know what I mean. Wait. The authority pays? Oh, great. They have an amazing benefits package. You know, Lieutenant, just throwing it out there. If you want to join the authority, I can make it happen. I don't want to join the authority. How, though? Well, I know five people who can get us authority IDs. And I'm one of them. So if you call one of them, then you would do it.
Nobody's doing it. We can't sneak our entire uprising into their ranks. Yeah, it'd be easier to just surrender and hope they promote from within. All they really want is for us to stop uprising anyway. Doesn't matter.
We've been so focused on controlling the galaxy and building doom bases. They're running out of money, and the doom base market is heading for collapse. Before this camera, my father, the king, said that soon the galaxy will be full of empty purposes doom bases. So the sooner the war is over, the sooner we all live peacefully in a doom base for free?
If you wanted. I can focus on my music. What kind of stuff do you expect? Start playing space cello again.
Whatever it is. Stop being so angry. I don't know.
I know. Space cello. I always want to be a space cello. I mean, I can be that man.
No! We are not surrendering. We are not joining the authority. Hey, you're the one that brought it up. You seem to like how they run things. But I don't like how they control things. So you don't want me to get you an authority application, sir? No.
Start an internship program, though. What else should we try? Paid time off. All right. Keep going. What did they do that we could do?
Propaganda. Yes. I see their propaganda everywhere.
That can help us get interns.
What else? All of it or not. Uniforms. Right. What else?
Doom bases. Yes. Thank you. They have a lot of doom bases. Yeah. Are you getting this? Yes, sir. It's going to cost us quite a bit. Doom bases alone.
What do you mean if it helps? What do you mean? What do I mean?
In what situation would 70% of the galaxy's wealth not be helpful? A metaphorical one.
Sure. See? I said sure. Great meeting! Thank you, Officer Binney. Report. All shipments on time, sir. Great.
The authority can suck my doom base. Ayla, how are we coming on that doom base? It's still going to take years.
Oh. Yeah. And also the workers are talking about uprising. Oh? Yeah. They don't like the new rules or systems or uniforms. Kind of ironic because you should... Yeah, I get it. Yeah. |
dropout | hardly_working_the_beast | Oh no, we've got to get that ball back. You don't understand, it was Ricky's ball. We've got to get it, Rick, it's going to kill me. The beast got it. You did it to Dornell, Gerwich.
I don't remember, kid. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.
Seriously, get the fuck out of my office. Sorry. Get out.
Only one kid in history has ever attempted what Jake was about to do. He got eaten. So we were worried. Real worried. We can't let him do this, man. Even when Jake pulled out his secret weapon, Converse All-Stars. Jake, wait.
It's okay. It's my fault. You don't have to do this. Yeah, I do, Gerwich. I have to do this.
Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. I got it, you guys. I got the ball. What? Oh, that? Yeah, we're playing Legends of Wrestling 2 now, so... Thanks, though.
I wish we had four controllers. You could play if we had a fourth controller. The beast has a four controller, you can ask him. Oh, that's a great idea.
Go ask the beast. Yeah, ask the beast. |
dropout | our_weirdest_sex_misconceptions | I just kind of assumed that the period would happen in my chest and armpits, as well as my vagina. My sexual misconceptions are a little counter to I think a lot of people's experience of having extremely conservative parents that were silent about the nature of sexuality. My parents were vocal.
So I was raised by my mom, who's a comic book writer and a Celtic and Arthurian scholar. She ran a pagan coven in New York City for a long time. My dad was a standup comic. And then my stepfather and my pop was artsy, sculptor, interpretive dancer, bagpiper, massage therapist.
He had a lot of hats that he wore. Sometimes the only thing he would be wearing was a hat. So I often felt at a loss.
Some of my friends that were more clueless about the nature of sex and sexuality probably had a leg up on actually forming relationships. I think I knew that the clit was important before I knew how to talk to girls. You know, there'll be a girl at like a middle school party who's like, hi, what's your name? And you're like, I know where the clit is. That's a bad way to enter that conversation.
One of my sexpectations was that condoms were oral, like a pill that you took. I remember I was on my friend's trampoline and we're looking through a magazine and there's a photo of condoms on lollipop sticks. So I thought, oh, condoms are like something to be taken that prevents you from having a kid.
So growing up, I was obsessed with boobs. My mom had them, my aunt had them. Everyone on television had them. Being flat chested was not an option. My mom gave me like a sex and growing up book and I was like flipping through the pages like don't care about actually sex in my body. I just want to get to the boobs section. And in it, it was like they come at puberty when your period comes. So I got my period when I was about 10 and no boobs came.
I was looking like, oh, shit. And a next door neighbor decided to kind of point it out. She was like, oh, I think boys would like you more if you had bigger boobs. And I'm in my mind like screaming like, yeah, bitch, I know, I know I need to get them. I'm like, ah. In my anxiety, I just blurted out, oh, well, I'm 12, so my boobs are gonna grow this summer. And all summer, I was like, come on, grow, grow, grow.
And it never happened and I went back to school trying to hide from her. So if you haven't noticed in movies and TV, whenever a couple is having sex, the woman always has her hair down. So when I was younger, I thought that you had to be having your hair down in order to be having sex. Ponytails are just like Hyman's.
I was really confused about how periods worked. When my mom was trying to explain to me how puberty worked, she mentioned like, you get hair in your armpits, your boobs get bigger and you have a period. And I just kind of assumed that the period would happen in my chest and armpits as well as my vagina. So I was just really scared that I was randomly gonna start bleeding through my shirt and no one told me how to prevent that or like what to wear.
So when I was maybe nine years old, my dad was forced to give me the sex talk earlier than expected, but I was throwing around the word sex a lot. Just like in any situation that I could think of, be like, yeah, that's pretty sexy. Or like, yeah, that's kind of sex like while my mom was making dinner or something. And my parents took notice and thought it was time to sit me down. So I remember being in the car with my dad and he turned to me and he said, so do you know what sex is? And I did not know, but I thought I had an inkling. And what I said to my dad was yes, of course that.
It's when two people are lying in a bed, one person lying stiff as a board and the other sort of leaning in and giving them a kiss. And then they proceed to have a conversation about how much they loved each other and just like an open sharing of feelings. I think you are a very special person, one sexual partner might say to the other. And the other might say, thank you for that. Would you like to give me a kiss?
That's what I thought sex was. And you know what? 30 years old and I still do, so. Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_the_stakeout_snl | Fellas. What are we up to tonight? You guys coming over playing Tony Hawk? I'm busy. I'm tired tonight. you're busy. you're tired. but maybe tomorrow. Oh, yeah. yeah, cool. cool. no sweat next time. Hey, man, everything. okay with you and your little friends.
I don't know. I'm kind of worried. they're hanging out without me. Do you think maybe we should follow them? find out? Oh, you don't mean yeah.
Steak out? What are they doing out here in the suburbs? Whose house is tick left?
Ollie, Ollie. I just Ollie.
Wow, dude. okay, I'm gonna text them. Who's that? Ben? You just throw his phone away. That's a low blow. Well, time to go in there and kill it. No, man. what make it look like a robbery? Jesus, dude.
That's not why we're here. I'm just trying to figure out why they bailed on me. What's going on with them? they look really cozy. No, we're not done man.
Oh My. God. Kids Dino Nuggets are ready. And one moody team, I know nuggets again, Okay mister. I work very hard.
Radical acceptance. This is insane. it's 2015. it's not insane to be gay. It's not 2015. And I'm not mad. they're gay. I'm mad. they have this secret beautiful life. they never told me about. well, maybe they're just afraid to tell anyone. I brought case kids.
Uncle Keenan's here. Uncle Keenan. Okay, well, I'm gonna text him because Keenan wouldn't lie to me.
They can't just keep throwing their phones away. Sorry signs of this in the past. I mean not that I remember, but it was just hang out and laughed. Maybe they were just afraid to tell me because I'm afraid to hurt them. They can't risk losing me because they love me too much.
Are you sure? work What work next? Excellent whenever you're ready. Looks like they're doing auditions to replace you. Whoa, John, did you get a weird new haircut? Way funnier than bad? Okay, I'm going in there and Saturdays you're available because Ben. it's not what it looks like. Then tell me what it is. John and I have a secret family and we're holding auditions to replace you. That's what I thought it was.
This is insane Man, why are you doing this? you're right, man, what are we doing? we shouldn't be holding auditions to replace him because the group would be fine if it was just us, too. Wait, what we wouldn't do that to you? No, because there's only one you and you are irreplaceable right then.
Thanks guys! Bad Boys for Life! Oh My. God, it's so much better than the perfect replacement. |
SaturdayNightLive | henley_and_stiles_saturday_night_live | In recent weeks, U.s. troops overseas have been entertained by top-notch celebrities like Mariah Carey, Kid Rock, and Jennifer Lopez. this week, they were supposed to enjoy the world-famous comedy duo Henley and Styles, but something went wrong. here to explain is half of Henley and Styles, Mr. Ryan Henley. Thank you, Tina. So, Mr. Henley, as I understand it, you and your partner, Don Styles, were supposed to perform in Kandahar tonight. that's right. we were going to do our Uncle Rallo routine, which we've been performing at theaters and malls all over Nevada for the last 22 years. but I missed my flight, so we can't do the show. it's a real shame, too, because I know our boys would have loved the Uncle Rallo routine. Well, we have a surprise for you, Mr. Henley, because we here at Weekend Update have been able to establish a video phone link with your partner in Kandahar. So now, without further ado, performing their classic Uncle Rallo routine are the comedy duo Henley and Styles. Thank you, Tina. uh, well, uh, hey there, Styles. hey there, Henley. say, Styles, um. Yes, Henley? you want to grab a bite to eat? no, thanks, Henley.
You see, I just had lunch with my Uncle Rallo. well, um, how's about lunch tomorrow? Thanks. You see, I'm having lunch with my Uncle Rallo. you mean to tell me you're having lunch with your Uncle Rallo two days in a row? Row? That's right! I said, are you having lunch with your Uncle Rallo two days in a row? I'm sorry, I lost that. If you ask, I'm having lunch with my Uncle Rallo two days in a row, then my answer is no. No, I'm not having lunch with my Uncle Rallo two days in a row. Now, wait a minute! You had lunch with your Uncle Rallo today! you're also having lunch with your Uncle Rallo tomorrow! you're cutting out.
That was a punchline. He has Two Uncle Rallos. everybody. take it up here, I'm Jimmy Fallon. I'm Tina Fey, Good Night. |
TheOnion | Congress_Announces_Willingness_To_Give_Black_Lives_Matters_Protestors_Statue_Or_Holiday | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Lots of important news to get to on this Friday that could affect the health and safety of your family.
But before we begin, I'd like to ask you all to rise for the Pledge of Allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty, oh Jesus, this happens every time, and justice for all. We'll be back in a moment.
After weeks of nationwide protests spurred by the police killing of George Floyd, congressional leaders are finally taking action. Lawmakers in Washington today officially announced their willingness to give Black Lives Matter protesters a statue or a holiday or something.
For more, I'm joined by OPR congressional correspondent Charles Dearborn. Charles, can you give us a little more context? Sure, Leslie.
We've seen sustained protests in all 50 states demanding accountability from those in power, and now Congress has heeded their call. Here's main representative Edward Nix on how this all came to be. People around this nation are calling for dramatic change, and I can assure you that we intend to meet this moment with the support it deserves. A nice memorial, say, or perhaps a national day of remembrance that individual states can decide to declare an official day off work if they want. Wow, that's some pretty impressive stuff. It is indeed. If passed, it would be some of the most sweeping federal legislation to address racial inequality in decades. Nice to see them finally putting their money where their mouth is. So what stage is the legislation at right now? There is a bill currently being drafted, so the details are still being hammered out. One of the biggest decisions, obviously, will be whether to give them a statue or a holiday. Here's Nix with more. I want to say to my constituents in the country, we have heard your message loud and clear. Enough is enough.
And we intend to show this by building a statue of a white hand holding a black hand. Or some black children looking inspirational or something.
Eh, but then again, a day out probably wouldn't cost us as much. Maybe that's a way to go. That's terrific.
So do we expect this law to pass? Well, of course, it will have to go through a Republican-controlled Senate, and several members have already been pushing to dilute the bill by providing only a small metal plaque or just rolling the whole thing into Martin Luther King Day. Well, these all sound like great options to me, but should we expect this to appease the protesters? Oh, yes. Based on talking to several senators, the Black Lives Matter members are going to be very excited about this big step, and this is probably the last we'll hear from them. Wow, and do we have any comment from any of these activists?
CPR. Knowing how to do it could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn't really the kind of person you'd normally go for? Well, that's okay, because the American Red Cross announced today that it's perfectly fine not to perform life-saving mouth-to-mouth on someone who just isn't your type. OPR health correspondent Jenna Resnick joins us now in the studio with more. Hi Leslie. Now Jenna, I always thought giving mouth-to-mouth was a crucial part of CPR.
Well, not anymore. In an important update to their guidelines, the Red Cross says the new first step in all cases in which you find a person unresponsive is to stop and check for sparks. If you peel back their eyelids and don't feel that special connection, then it's perfectly all right to stand there and do nothing. Interesting. No chest compressions either? You mean touch someone you're not attracted to? Ew, Leslie. No, of course not. I spoke with physician and American Red Cross advisor, Dr. Norman Carver, and here's how he explained the new guidelines.
Some people will rush into mouth-to-mouth because they want to be a hero. But if they're blonde and you like brunettes, or they're kind of ugly and you like hot people, you could actually end up doing more harm than good. You don't want someone to think you're about to save their life and quit halfway through. Well, that makes sense. You don't want to lead them on. Exactly. Imagine the moment the victim's eyes flutter open and they say, you saved me. Now they think you're their soulmate. And then you have to marry them? That would be tragic. It's important to remember that, sure, at first you might feel guilty about watching the life leave their body. Just remember that one day that person will find someone willing to give them mouth-to-mouth.
Is it safe to try taking the victim's glasses off or maybe parting their hair differently first? Dr. Carver says if you're desperate, giving the unresponsive a makeover is okay. You can also try asking them questions to see if they have a good personality.
The Red Cross has updated all of their training courses to reflect these new guidelines and they're already having a tremendous impact.
I spoke with Dylan Patrick, who was lucky enough to have recently completed his CPR certification when he stumbled upon 29-year-old Katie Hester, unconscious and barely clinging to life, and it was all captured on video. She's not breathing. I think she drowned. There was a big crowd gathered around the side of the pool.
I didn't really know what was going on. But then I heard someone say, does anyone know CPR? And I just shifted into gear. I know CPR.
Okay. Shoot.
The first thing I notice is she's not breathing. The second thing I notice is the quote tattoo on her shoulder. I didn't have time to read it, but something about the font choice just screamed religious to me.
You know what I mean? Uh, is anyone here attracted to this woman? I'll take a look. Oh. Nope. Sorry. She needs help. Anyone. She's got nice feet. What about you? Would you be willing to save this young woman's life? Oh, I can't.
She's my sister. Anyway, no one was really that into her. So I threw her back into the pool.
Thank God he was there. Everyone involved is very fortunate. Definitely.
Well, thanks for that report, Jenna. We'll be back with more news right after this commercial break, which means it's finally time for me to enjoy some hard candy. Oh no, Jenna.
I'm choking on my hard candy. I think I need help. I think I need CPR. You're thinking of the Heimlich, Leslie.
And even if you did need mouth to mouth, you're like a four at best. Oh, that's bullshit. I just got my lips filled. Whatever. That's OPR's Jenna Resnick, bitch.
The 4th of July. It's the time of year where Americans celebrate our independence. But there are some patriots out there who have a hard time feeling the excitement. Sure, many of our most popular celebration rituals may seem like harmless fun, but the sad fact is, many struggling veterans can have their post-traumatic stress disorder triggered by the loud sounds associated with shooting off rocket-propelled grenades. Here with more on how we can all celebrate more considerately is OPR mental health correspondent Alan Potts.
Welcome to the show, Alan. Thanks for having me, Leslie.
So I know there's a big group of us in my neighborhood who'd like to go out on the 4th and shoot off explosive war weaponry, but help explain this to us. What is it about these RPGs that can cause such a violent reaction in veterans? Well, when veterans hear the noise of rocket-propelled grenades, they have a tendency to associate it with warfare. It may seem obvious to us that these deadly explosives are just good old-fashioned fun, but many veterans have been so primed from their time on the front lines that they associate any warheads flying towards them as a threat. Wow, and I always thought of projectile weapons as just a simple pleasure to share with friends and family. Now, is it just RPGs, or can a veteran's PTSD be triggered by the sound of any heavy artillery being shot off? Really, any sudden noise from a detonating mortar shell or even a cluster bomb can be enough to cause a veteran to curl up into a ball and flash back to reliving the trauma of watching one of their brothers in arms being blown up right in front of their eyes. Even just shooting off a few rounds from a machine gun in their direction could be enough to set them over the edge. Well, I doubt that Americans will stop launching missiles for Independence Day, but what can people do to ensure that veterans feel safe when they do? Of course, much of the fun of the holiday is watching all the pretty colors from a city's intercontinental ballistic missile display, or seeing the kids light C4 for the first time, but it's precisely those things that cause veterans to dissociate and begin snapping necks in a blind rage. Now, I know that it's ridiculous to assume that people are going to just stop shooting down Black Hawk helicopters, but people should make it a point to inform any veterans in their area that they will be detonating some IEDs and that there are no insurgent guerrilla fighters to worry about.
Okay. Maybe even offer to lock them in a dark, quiet closet, or blindfold them and blare heavy metal music in their ears until it's all over. Huh, I gotta be honest, I would have thought veterans could handle their shit better. Sure, but these innocent celebrations can carry real consequences. Just listen to the harrowing cell phone video taken last year from a 4th of July barbecue.
Can I shoot it? All right, honey, just lock onto your target and fire!
Oh! Try to kill me, you son of a bitch! Not today, commie! Daddy, look!
That man has a knife! Neat! Wow, that is neat. Run, you have a knife!
Please, please, stop, stop, stop, stop! Somebody stop him! Call the police! Help!
Oh my god, what have I done? Oh, the barbecue is ruined. Wow, well, let's just hope no barbecues are ruined this year.
Thank you for the report, Alan. Of course. That's OBR's Alan Potts back in a moment. When our Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, you've got to think there were at least like three more things they would have liked to include in there. Luckily, we've come a long way since then, and we don't have that problem on this show. Here's what else you need to know today.
Federal agencies across the United States government have agreed to create a chore wheel in an effort to start getting some tasks done around the nation. The Department of Labor, Treasury, the Interior, Health and Safety, and Veterans Affairs, among others, all agreed that there's a lot of work to be done around the country, and the best way to split it all up fairly would be to randomly assign tasks based on a spin of the wheel. The new policy is scheduled to take effect as soon as the agencies can come to an agreement on whose responsibility it is to build the new chore wheel.
And a new study out of the Pew Research Center today has no fucking clue what's going on with 15% of Americans. Despite numerous studies attempting to understand just what in the hell this subset of people are doing or thinking at any given moment, Pew researchers have reportedly resigned themselves to accepting that this 15% of the population are just going to have to remain a goddamn mystery.
And finally, good news out of Raytheon today, as researchers at the U.S. defense contractor announced they completed a successful test of a new line of drones on mice. The Generation 2 Coyote UAS is reported to have tested proficiently in its ability to blow away individual mice, as well as large groups of the murids. Raytheon researchers were confident it would test equally well on humans, and were reportedly very excited to find out.
And that's it for The Topical today, I'm Leslie Price. Folks, we here at The Topical wouldn't dare disrespect the flag by working on the 4th of July, so we'll be taking off all of next week just to be safe. Hopefully nothing big happens that we need to report on, because there's just nothing more important than respecting the flag of our great nation, even if that means having an uninformed populace. I want to thank everyone here at The Topical for their great work over the past few months, and I hope you can all use this time off for some well-earned rest and relaxation. Oh, and also because you're not working you guys aren't getting paid, sorry. But don't worry, we'll be right back here on Monday, July 6th with more episodes of The Topical. Until then, keep your hands over your hearts, and we'll see you next time. |
dropout | always_open_with_chris_pratt | What book would you like to read to me? What book would I read to you? Any book at all.
Oh, uh, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. I like that. Is there a way you could show me what the Peaceful Warrior does? He does gymnastics. Uh-oh, what am I doing? What's happening? What's the Peaceful Warrior do?
I'm choking. I'm choking right now.
Okay. That's your response? Oh. Can you give me your best Heimlich? I wouldn't even be able to say that if I was choking. No. Oh, no. Listen to the international symbol for I'm choking. Mm, wow, it went right down. That's an advanced Heimlich. I'm going to say that was a Peaceful Warrior Heimlich. Yeah. That's good.
You seem like a very interesting guy. What do you collect? I collect bugs. In fact, that's something that my wife and I have in common. No. Yeah, we both had a pretty extensive preserved bug collection, and she came over to my house and saw these bugs, and she had this look on her face where she's almost about to cry, and I thought, oh, great. She loves bugs so much that she's out of this relationship, and then she didn't even say anything, and she brought me to her house, and she had, like, a collection just as big, and now we have the whole collection on the wall. You know what? That's fascinating.
If I was a bug, what kind of bait would you use, you use, to catch me? I'd probably use the call of a girl in heat. I would use the girl in heat call.
I'm just walking down the street like I do. Hey, I thought that was David Koechner.
He's super hot. I wish he'd come over here.
Hey, how's it going? Pretty good. Wow. Then I'll kill you with your own knife. What, crazy? Would you do me a favor? Yeah. Would you sing me a song about our friendship? Yeah. All right, I'm gonna... I'd love to. Okay, great. Can we sing a song about the two peaceful warriors? Yeah.
Dave and Chris. The peaceful warriors at the table They were willing and quite able The omelet tastes like vegetables And that's the **** I'm into Peaceful warriors Peace. That's who we are Just these two guys and a guitar Yeah, that's so good. We won't fight, but we'll look like we would Because deep down we both are Good. Good. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_s_14_page_response_to_jan_6_subpoena_kanye_west_s_anti_semitic_tweets_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. And update on Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
After the January 6th Committee subpoena Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14-page letter. 14 pages. Okay, Unabomber. I don't know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day the Fda confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of adderall. And I just know from experience in college, any time I wrote a 14-page paper in one night, I'd also taken a disturbing amount of adderall. My favorite part of Trump's letter is the beginning, because it's on really nice letterhead. it starts, dear Chairman Thompson, and then the first line is just screaming. It's like reading a Victorian love letter that says, my beloved Winifred, who the hell are you having sex with?
The committee showed a never-before-seen video from January 6th of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence, which to Pence counts as adultery. In the video, Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did, she'd go to jail and be happy. I assume because she owns stock in private prisons. during last night's Georgia Senate debate, Raphael Warnock accused Herschel Walker of lying about working in law enforcement. Then Walker pulled out a prop badge and said, quote, I am work with many police officers. which is yet another sign that Herschel Walker is has brain problems. Senator Mitch Mcconnell, seen here watching someone get injured at the Special Olympics, said that he is not concerned with threats Donald Trump makes at his rallies to remove him as Senate Minority Leader. in fact, Mcconnell says the threats make him laugh harder than his favorite comedy show, Dahmer.
Kanye West's anti-semitic tweets were condemned by the Black Jewish entertainment a lot. just say, Lenny Kravitz. After Kanye West's unhinged social media post, Elon Musk tweeted, talk To Yay and express my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart. Well, that settles it. If there's one thing we all trust Elon with, it's successfully reading another human being's emotional cues. |
TheOnion | Report_Finds_Troubling_Rise_In_Teen_Uranium_Enrichment | This is the Onion News Network, controlling what you see and when you see it. It's called toping, short for isotoping, illegally enriching uranium. A new report says one in five teens is doing it, and that has many parents worried. The sleepy town of Woodview, New Jersey was rocked last week when six teens were arrested for conspiring to sell enriched uranium to foreign nationals for the purpose of making a nuclear weapon. Guys come in saying, oh, I made 24 kilograms of uranium, oh, I made 82 kilograms of uranium, and it's like a big competition. The school was tipped off when football coach Ron Shipley saw some paraphernalia in the locker room.
I mean, at first, I thought maybe he was just, you know, separating some U-238 isotopes to develop a nuclear energy program or something, but you can't be too careful nowadays, you know? Were you shocked when you found out? Well, you know, you never think it's your kid who's going to go sell enriched uranium to a rogue nation. When Tim Drucker's parents searched his bedroom, they found a tunnel to a 74-acre underground centrifuge in the backyard. We didn't want to be the kind of parents who went snooping in his room, reading his communiques with arms dealers, anything like that.
And then there's the Facebook factor. Many students have gotten in trouble when photos of so-called toping parties have wound up online. What's causing the rise in teen toping?
No matter the cause, the debate about toping continues. Is it as dangerous as some contend, or is it just a case of kids being kids? For Beyond the Facts, I'm Jean Anne Wharton. |
cracked | i_named_my_baby_lucifer_is_that_alright_quorators_podcast | What up? Hey man, how's it going? It's hi, I'm Alex and this is Jeremy.
We're the hosts of Quaradors. I thought you said play the music and you're the one who has to play it. You physically had to press the button. As a producer, I like to leave myself notes. And it allows me to perform at a level that I find professional.
Now, usually Jeremy, I don't know if you've heard this. We opened the show by reading the Quora we wrote last week. Yes. But unfortunately, we did a live show last week. It's true.
And did not do a Quora. No.
So we're just gonna get straight into it today. Yeah, and we've moved channels. It's a new look for us. A hundred percent. And if you're listening on your podcast, you have noticed the sound has not improved. It's the same podcast. And that is by design. So we got some great stuff for you. We're just gonna get right into it.
Yeah, for people who are new to this, we're gonna read questions from the website Quora.com, which is a question website, question asking website. It's a question asking website.
And then we're gonna say, that's dumb. Yeah, what the hell? Yeah, that's what we're gonna say. Oh, come on, man. And stuff like that. We've got all these segments.
The first one is called Quaranting. That's enough. That's the Quaranting sound.
When you hear that sound, you know it's parenting questions on Quora.com. This is a huge section of Quora. It's just people who wanna punish their children for being alive. Well, it's a huge section of the world that has children, Jeremy. Children are the future, in my opinion. Yeah. And there's many of them. So it's a big part of the website.
All right, well, this question is, I promised my son a PS5 if he got straight A's, and he did. But I don't wanna give him a PS5.
What should I do? Huh, we've all been there. What? Yeah, you should.
I have a PS5. They're great. Totally understand why your son wants one, but maybe he doesn't deserve it. I don't know. Did you get your PS5 by getting straight A's in school? No, I bought it with money. I think if the son wants a PS5, instead of getting straight A's, what he should do is just make $500.
And then there's a whole solution right there for you. Where you just take the dad out of the equation entirely. Sure, yeah, you could cut out the middle man. Could we focus, though?
Why don't you want to give him a PS5? Because it's $500, I don't know. Is that why? Or is it like if I give him a PS5, he'll change?
He won't be real boy. My son will become a different boy. He'll stop online gaming with me on Steam.
You think it's that they're just co-op buddies. He'll be missing clan night. Oh, man. That's a gaming clan. Oh, by the way, that's a gaming clan. That's what we mean by that.
You never know. It could be a white supremacist Quora user. You truly never know.
That's roughly 30% of the time. But let's see what the answers are here. The other 30% is police officers, but there's a lot of crossover. It's mostly the same people. Yeah, okay, let's read some answers. Aaron Weldon says, I guess I gotta stop saying people's full names, now that we're uncracked. Get ready.
This is your favorite thing to do, too. It's my favorite thing. It's my favorite thing because Quora, people will say an insane thing.
I don't know, I just don't really like black people.
And then you'll go in their profile and it's like, my name is Aaron and I live in this small town in Texas. And you can work. Here's where I work. Here's a picture of my son. I love him. Oh, I know your whole life.
I'm not gonna do anything, but it's weird. Yeah, I hope this curbs your instinct to zooming in on people's addresses and livelihoods. Yeah, this guy's only answered one question ever and this is the one he said. Loser. He said, get ready for the shit storm when he stops trusting you and your empty bribes don't work anymore.
This is the sun. Be prepared to end up with the sun that doesn't exist in you. Also, congratulations on winning the game. Who's going to the cheap retirement home with their older? Yeah, that's the sun. That's the sun.
He's saying that and he's gonna send you there. Quora user here. I say, your son's been very good. He deserves it.
It's hard to get A's in all of your classes. Even just a few A's is still good.
I think all the answers are gonna say this. Okay, so here's an answer from, and I'm not gonna dox this person, but their name is Genghis Khad. And their qualification is being a gamer. Yeah, you do know him? Yeah, he's from the Step, the Mongolian Step. I always forget that you worked there for a bit after college. Yeah. Genghis Khan says. I was a horse lord.
He says, go ahead and break your word. The kid shouldn't be respected or believing a parent that routinely lies to him. He'll lose all respect for you and as soon as he graduates, poof, he'll be God like a fart in the wind and not want anything to do with you.
Uh-huh, honey. That was from Genghis Khan. Who is a gamer? He's renowned for his no nonsense put downs. For those who don't know, on Quora, you can put a little, when you answer a question, it asks why you can answer that and you have to write a little thing. And this guy wrote, been a gamer for over 40 years. Cool. Also, if you don't know this on Quora, you don't have to put your real name into address. People just keep choosing to do that. It's either I am Genghis Khan or just like I will live in Minnesota.
This is my father. I won't say this guy's full name, but it says his full name, it says his name is Michael and he's got a photo of himself and it says retired industrial engineer and product manager in Israel. Wow, you must be good at raising kids. Why do I need to know this? For a guy who's just like, you suck as a parent. This is for the respect, Jeremy. This is for the respect.
Whatever he learns from this can never be good. Yeah, so I noticed Quora's really pushing to buy your son a PS5 thing. No one is explaining how to get out of it, which is why the dad is here. So zero people that answered the question. You should have gone to a Thieves Guild chat. They know how to do things like not buy your son a PlayStation after he gets a good appointment.
This has so many answers. I'm trying to, 808 answers collapsed. Wow, we better read all of them. I want to see if there's any.
Don't be a shitty parent, all right. Because usually those are the ones that are bad. Just one of you, explain how to do this heist. You bet and lost, time to pay up, dude.
Your son's going to take you to the basement and beat the crap out of you. Yeah, I know every time I tell my son to get a straight A's, I'm like, I'm gambling everything, I'm just putting it all on B. Oh, I pray he gets a B plus. This son is so dumb. Yeah, his biology is his weakness.
Okay, that's enough of that one. I believe we have juiced this lemon.
All right, do you want to get into Quorumance? I would like to get into Quorumance. All right, up next we have Quorumance. It's Quorumance.
A little bit here. You may notice the sound has changed from a certain movie's theme song before. And that is because we just felt like it. All right, okay. Yeah, we don't need to do the whole romantic song.
You know I love you, baby.
For any new listeners who are here from crack.com, wholesomewebsitecrack.com, you should know that Quora is mostly a fetish website. Okay, it's a question website. It's a question website where people question you to answer their fetishes. I don't think it has to be a fetish.
I stand by this question. Read the question, Jeremy. All right, I'll read it.
The question is simply, what is the nastiest thing done with a stepsister? Huh. Stepsister. You know, I have a stepsister.
Do you? Yeah.
I think one, I didn't get like a stepsister till I was like already 27. So you got straight A's in school? Yeah, my dad was a son of a bitch. He bought me a girl. No, I didn't have a stepsister until I was like 27. So I don't think I have the weird porn relationship the way America does, apparently.
They really do. But in my mind, the nastiest thing you can do with a stepsister is like, say you'll attend her wedding and then not show up. Ooh, nasty. Destroy her toys. Sexy hunk disrespects family members. Nasty doesn't have to be sexy. It can be cruel like Jafar. You can just call her like a mean word. You're a witch. Your husband is ugly.
Hey, I do not think that. That is not what I came here to say. I'm just saying one nasty thing would be to break her toys.
All right, well, I can't read most of these answers because they're truly bad. Okay, well, oh no, they are pretty bad. I totally can't read.
Yeah. There's gotta be one in here, though. There's gotta just be, just one.
This question really is just like write me sex story. Write me a dirty story, I'm too lazy to look it up.
Which, you know what, is worth reiterating as we have Switch channels. A lot of the website is about community sexual prose. It really is. It's about taking a bunch of pervs and then giving them a story. Yeah, yeah, it's people who want you to do the work of, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Who was that? It was a ghost. Um, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
God, I can't read any of these. I really cannot read it.
A lot of them are saying, well, they're saying that they had sex. In gruesome detail. I'm not gonna lie to you, it's heavily implied in maybe 1,000 answers.
This is the old one I really can read, which is someone saying, my stepsisters were too ugly to do anything with. Come on. So that's the nicest one I can read. You have beautiful stepsisters.
You shouldn't read them like that. A lot of these images are blurred out. That's fine, you don't need to click on what those are. Sometimes on like Twitter or something, or I'm sorry, on x.com, you'll be scrolling your x and then you'll see a funny blurred image and then it's like Wile E. Coyote or something and he's like, had to steal your meme and he's painted a tunnel while he's taking a meme through.
That's never the case on here. It is always- It's always what you think it is. It's always someone's stepsister.
This one I can read, it says, it's a sin to do nasty things with others. With and let live. Your actions could hurt them and scar them forever.
That's a fact, though. That is a fact.
It's a sin to do nasty- With anyone. Do not unto others that nasty stuff you do. Little man. Be sensible and avoid. If you can't help others, don't be a disruptor slash destroyer.
Oh, you got it. Let's get the sound back up on that. Okay, well, this is the most horrifying thing I've read in a while. I'm glad we put it in there. Yeah, we got that.
How many minutes in? 10. 10.
Early, crisp. Gotta get that in there right away. Everyone's minds are fresh. Welcome to Glorators.
This question is, my husband tells me it's okay to keep cheating on me because God will forgive him after he repents. Why is he doing this to me? Okay, so the question is not, can he do this? Oh, no. The question is, is this logic flawed? He keeps doing this. The question is, why? I believe the question is, why is he doing this to me?
You're a Catholic man. You went to Catholic school. That's right, Jeremy. How do you feel about this?
Is this technically allowed? If you can- If he keeps repenting, he can do it as many times as he wants. And it seems like he wants to do it a lot of times. That's not house rules. That's house rules. You could just do whatever you want.
I'll tell you what, it's God's house. It's true. Aren't we all in God's house? I'm always saying this as a Jewish person.
I think he's doing it because he can't be stopped. Because there's no repercussions. There's nothing we can do. Our hands are tied.
If you cheat on me one more time, I'm going to Quora. I will ask the Quora community. We will get the internet on my side. What do the people think?
Former lawyer QR says, God forgives for mistakes we didn't intend to commit or the ones we committed and we sincerely repent for. God doesn't forgive those deeds which are carried out deliberately with the intention of repenting later and continuing with this pattern forever. God understands jokes very well.
Well, I think he does forgive it though, is the thing is, because he's always forgiving everything. Yeah, it's like his big move. He loves forgiving things. He's addicted to forgiving things. He's addicted to, he has a button he hits and he laughs.
That was easy.
He's got the staples button. If you cheat on your life. God is kind of the manager of staples. What is life if not a giant staples? What is life if not getting printer paper? It's a lot about folders.
Yeah, most people are just saying because he's an asshole. Your husband is very wrong. No one mocks God and gets away with it. Come on. God has left him because he serves Satan. He may die today and go without repenting. Thou shall not commit adultery is one of God's payments. That is true. Okay, so there's an interesting workaround here which is that he has to die before he repents. And then he can't get the forgiveness.
Now it also does say, Moses authorized divorce in adultery cases. Those are big facts. I don't know what that's about. Moses was giving people divorces. Yeah, they left that part out of most of the stories because people thought it was kind of slow and litigious. That part of the Bible. The part where Moses is just like, sign these, show it to the other guy we're wandering the desert with.
When Jesus came around, he was like, I got to get better miracles at this. This sucks. I simply must have a better miracle than divorce.
I don't want to use any stamps. My goal is not to use any stamps. Go to stamps.com for all your divorces.
What else is here? Not really. No answer so far on the why is he doing this to me?
No, they're just like, he's bad, which we don't, that's not the question. I mean, that is why he's doing it though. He's bad. He's like Michael Jackson who made the album bad. To be clear, we do not take sides here. I'm going to take a side. He's bad.
Beautifully died. Thank you. I thought it was a honey.
I'm not going to lie. What are you going for? A honey or no? I'm just said it. Don't mind what I'm doing.
Somebody has to drive here. Everyone's just bad at the guy. Everyone's bad. They're saying you shouldn't, you shouldn't be bad.
He doesn't deserve you. He was found a genius loophole in the system to cheat on you consistently. Yeah, he's beat the game. God's into it. He doesn't care. Beat the whole damn game. He's a narcissist.
I don't know what this guy looks like, but I am picturing Blade. Why? Because he's a cool guy.
I beat the game.
We watched Blade recently. We also, we watched Blade. And now it's hard not to picture anybody not beating a vampire. I'm picturing a lot of people as Blade.
I'm not going to lie. Should we move on to Quora MD? Or do we have more thoughts on, my husband tells me it's okay. I have no more thoughts. He looks like Blade in my head. Okay.
I have shared my full judgment. I have impressed everyone's taking your side here though. Because usually people are mean on the internet. Have you found that to be true? To me, certainly. At least to you.
Maybe she's just like a better person than you are. I keep cheating on my wife though.
We call the internet. If you've got cancer, we're going to tell you about it. And we're going to tell you have it even if you don't, because it's the internet and you Google, do I have cancer and then Quora came up. And so we got some good questions for you today.
That really is the thing though. If you Google print anything, Quora will now come up. Yeah. Shout out to Quora by the way. Google has now crowdsourced all answers to just fucking dumbasses on the internet. Quora's like Google's like little homie. He keeps with him, so he's trying to get like his own career going. Yeah. Do you mean Google's trying to get his own career or Quora's? Quora's, Google has an industrious career.
He's used by many militaries around the world. And every time he's like, have you considered Quora? Quora's my friend. Ask him a question, go ahead. Like when like a famous comedian has like their buddy open for them and the buddy's like not going to be famous. Right, right, right, right, right. That's how I feel about Quora, but that is how I feel in general.
This question is, do nurses have a laugh if the patient has a micro penis? Are you having a laugh? Yeah, this question is of course written by Ricky Gervais, famed. Stop having a laugh at me. I don't think they have a laugh. No?
No, they probably see a hundred of them every day. They probably do. Nurses love seeing micro penises. It makes them so happy. They think how many could I fit in a jar a lot of the time?
And questions like that. Alexa is a nurse. I'm a, it's not true. But what if it was?
These answers are all great. These are all terrific answers by the way.
I'm very excited. I wanna leave it open-ended that maybe one nasty nurse has a laugh. Here's a nurse from Charlotte Linz who I'm not gonna dox, but she did study at the University of Alabama in Birmingham and does live in Gainesville, Florida. Shout out to Charlotte.
Hope you're going to Fest. We'll see you at Fest, Charlotte. See you at the Less Than Jake show.
She says never. We did gasp at times for the opposite, but let me tell you a funny story. So she's saying that she and the nurses, like if you take out your panty with a giant dick, the other nurses would be like, oh my god.
I've easily startled. I thought I was gonna shoot across the room and get me.
Is that an eel? It's also just like somebody who's there because they have tuberculosis. Like wow, your dick's big.
She says a friend and I went to look at a timeshare. We got to talking to a young man and we started asking questions. Finally turns out he was having surgery in our hospital. Can't remember now what. And both of us at Times Work Recovery Room, I don't know who started it, but we had him convinced. We always checked under the covers.
And if the nurses liked what they saw, they tied a blue ribbon around his Henry. If we didn't approve of what he saw, we tied a pink ribbon around his Henry.
We had a nice lunch, answered his questions, and we all had fun. We did go to say hello to him before he was discharged to his room and he was glad to see us. He was having an anxiety attack because he didn't have a ribbon. Was that bad or good? Jonah and I burst out laughing and told him we made up the whole thing. It was a good thing he didn't have a ribbon. He started laughing with us, partially in relief, I think. And because we pulled the best joke on him, he said he had a story for years to come. No, we never did that again. We made love shortly after.
And then the top comment is childish and unprofessional. Taken down. How dare you?
Do not tie a ribbon on anyone's Henry. This is a hospital. I am like the woman in that old story. I have a red ribbon around my Henry, but if you untie it, it will fall off.
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that, buddy. Yeah, it's really fucked up. Sorry to hear about your Henry- It's not really a funny story.
I love calling a penis a Henry. This will carry with me for the rest of my life. Let's see.
I have a friend whose wife is a nurse. One night she told him about a patient who was brought in unconscious and then removed his clothes and discovered that his penis was at least 10 inches long and laid over its thigh and almost touched the bed. She said, word started going around the hospital and several nurses all came by the room to have a look at his gargantuan penis.
There's multiple stories confirmed. Yeah, if there's a big one, they will look at it. They will call people in, I guess. They'll tell friends. They'll find their friends and they'll show them your penis while you are very injured.
Heads up if you have a giant dick. It's VXE. It's not saved. This is why I tell all my friends with big penises, do not go to the hospital. People are constantly telling me not to go to the hospital. Jeremy, it is not safe for you. They're gonna turn you into the elephant man.
J.M. says my wife is a phlebotomist who works at a hospital. She says the short answer is yes.
The nurses and medical staff may giggle about a micro penis for a few minutes. But don't worry. An hour later some guy will come in with a butternut squash stuck in his rectum and they'll forget all about anyone who came before.
So this just sounds like nurses are having a great time all day. They're having a laugh. They have a laugh. Well, they have to when they have no cry. I mean, people always say nursing is one of the easiest jobs. One of the easy ones. The sweetest sound in the world, the laughter of nurses.
This could also just be a fetish question. You can have a laugh and then you have a cry when a sad thing comes in. Sure. And that way you have highs and lows. Hmm. It's so important to nurse. This guy says, Bernie Island says I'm not a nurse but I used to be heavily involved in the kink community. So that's extremely weird way to start this answer up. It's the same thing.
Not a doctor, but I am a pervert. Pervert here. I've had sex at the zoo.
Let me answer your question. He says, I've only seen one micro peen in my life and it was at a public venue. He had gotten up on a table for some quote fun. No one was laughing, not one person.
Everyone, male and female of every persuasion was just really curious about trying but trying not to turn the scene into a total gawk fest. A million questions. How does it work? What do you find pleasurable? Is he a grower or a shower, et cetera? It's a total gawk fest in here. Granted the environment was very sex and body positive but I would hope nurses see enough in their day to day for it to just be another data point and let's get on with things.
That's what I said. Important to understand about Benny Island. He is an int J. He is. That is his qualification for answering the question. She, or no, well knows about it. Bernie, it's a lady Bernie.
I don't know. Short for Burnett. I couldn't tell you. Right in. Is it short for Burnett? It's B-U-R-N-Y. Whatever, who cares?
It's a whole island of Bernies. She's a diagram of a penis.
Yeah, it's a sad one. Well, it is. It is a sad one. The diagram's sad.
I don't think I can include it in the video. You can't. You'll have to take our word for it. It looks like fucking. I could put a pixelated square in the video.
Would you like that? No, we don't like that. Nobody likes that. I don't need that in there. Is that what you want?
You want us to have one episode uncracked? We put a penis on episode one. Come on, we just got here.
I taped my unknown soda. You almost said it too, which is really funny. No one knows what it is, but it is. All right, well, I'll read this last one from S. Scott Field, who's a nurse.
He says, not every fella is a shower, but a majority are growers. I would never laugh or even comment on a man's penis size. I've seen all sizes and never uttered one word about them, just like I wouldn't about a female's breast size or vagina. I actually salute the small penises. I say thank you for your service. Every part of the struggle holds up the next. Having a micro penis makes you braver than the troops. Thank you for having a penis. One guy says, I have a micro penis.
My name is Joe. Thank you, Joe. I'm going to update that. Shout out to Joe. Your core rate is Joe of the week. Shout out to Joe. Your core rate is Joe. Shout out to Joe. You're the Joe of the week.
Okay, next question. Killing spree. If you get shot in the head with an ordinary gun, do you most likely lose your consciousness almost immediately? Sorry, almost instantly. And that's the gunshot. You can press it. I imagine you're just sitting there and you hear. Oh, okay. So the question is, is it all whites out after that? I think it's about here. So the question is, is it like the sopranos when you get shot in the head? The question is, I think, what kind of gun?
Oh, it's a really big one to get on to me. Because that's not- You're coming for the king? That's not ordinary. First of all, you're coming for the king. You better not miss. That's the wire. Because I'm coming back at you. Well, that's not just the wire.
Like kings say that. Like important people have always said that. And that's why I'm joining the pantheon right now. King George III said that during the American Revolution. He loved saying that.
You come for the king, George? Well, people would come for him. He was talking to another George Washington.
Yeah, how big of a gun was that? I guess you were like point blank. Like, let's say I brought that heat into the studio right now. Oh, man. I brought the heat. Audio listeners, you have to just imagine Alex is pretending to shoot me in the head. We get the angle, right? Are there prop guns in here?
I am imagining specifically in Kill Bill, she gets shot in the head, and she's like, it's not even a big deal. She just takes like a nap for a bit, and then is back 100%. So it's probably fine then, right? But she does lose conscious. Okay. Some people survive getting shot in the head, like if you miss your brain. Yeah, like the bride from Kill Bill. Yeah.
Who's a real person? Famously, lots of people try to shoot themselves in the head with a shotgun, and then they try to pull the trigger with their toes, and then they miss and just blow their face off, and then they are alive, but don't have a face.
So don't do that. That's our tip for the week. We do not think that's cool.
Well, yeah, I think you do lose conscious. Tip of the week. I think anything that hurts that much probably makes you lose conscious. Yeah, I have to imagine getting shot in the head makes you lose consciousness. I read in a sentence, and I'm thinking, ouch! I was gonna say the same thing. Someone shoots you in the back of the head, and you think, ouchie!
I hope it's not me, folks. Yeah, couldn't be me.
Straight up. Somebody pointing out the use of ordinary gun is very funny. Yeah.
It's not like a laser rifle or anything. Well, that would be a whole different story. It's not the needler.
We have a killing spree button over there somewhere, right? Is that worth it? We actually don't have a killing spree button. Did you know that?
I wasn't sure if it was on that board. I forgot to bring it. I'm getting roasted. Anyway, if I was gonna shoot you in the head, what was I saying? Angela Jeffery says a lot of stuff. Stop me if this gets too intense. I haven't read it beforehand.
I know when I got shot in the face in 1993 with a 25 automatic handgun, I didn't feel a thing. I didn't know I had been shot until I went to speak and no sound came out. Then the room started spinning. I felt blood pouring down my face. I panicked, ran out the front door, and collapsed in the driveway. I felt myself slowly fading away. It was so hot that first day of August that I had not been so cold in my life.
All right, Angela. It's like this is happening to me. It's a beautiful story. I get that you got shot in the face, but this isn't the time for your book, all right? Getting shot in the face is not a whole personality, Angela. Yeah, liking Steven Universe is. Let people enjoy things. Shooting you in the face. Anyway, it sounds not fun, but she seems like she's fine. Oh, it was so hot. Come on. Bullet paralyzed my swallowing and voice box, shattered my right sinus cavity if you back teeth on its way to watch the rest of my life.
I spent a lot of time on Quora now. Now I'm just a Quora user. I'm a real Quora head. Now just dumb boys read my name and comments on the internet.
Okay, here's my question. Is this person's post history all, that kind of reminds me of getting shot in the face. Or is it like? I mean, kidding aside, if I got shot in the face, I would only talk about it. What do you want for dinner? And I'd be like, well, considering the bullets still in my throat. How's my mouth look to you? Probably another intravenous feeding, I'd guess. Okay, so she's answered five questions ever.
Now the first one is, would you rather have a cup of coffee or a cup of hot chocolate on a chilly day? And she says hot chocolate. Her spot says, I was shot in the face and can no longer enjoy either of those beverages. She says hot chocolate.
I agree with her. I'm gonna up vote it.
This was three years ago. The next question of course is, what's the worst thing that ever happened to you?
Now, she does not say she got shot in the face. Okay, that makes me think that she has not been shot in the face and this was prose writing. This is prose writing and story building and world building and she's building a world.
I did not see that coming. I thought for sure. The question, what is the worst thing that ever happened to you that ultimately became the best thing that ever happened to you? Okay, maybe that's why.
Oh. Damn it. Well, maybe she just doesn't feel positively about the face thing anymore. I was shot in the face, still sucks. All right, we jumped on that one. Okay, that's our bad. Our bad, honestly. All right, then what about getting shot in the face as she entered that one? Yeah, that sounds bad.
Next question is, what would be the best and most painless way to cut off one finger with a tool that it's quite easy to get? I'm researching for a book. Now, it's her response, as someone who got shot in the face, no, she says. Probably not a gun. A meat slicer.
Yeah. Well, yeah, those are efficient tools for these things. Christians, when someone wishes to stop being a member of your specific religion, what steps must they take to remove themselves? And she just answers it. This is one of those courses written like a puzzle. Yes. You gotta puzzle your way up.
Dearest Angela. All right, well, I'm sorry for making fun of you, Angela.
I feel pretty bad about it. I don't feel bad about it. I think you're a liar. Yeah. Alex thinks you're a liar. We could see your full face in photo when we know where you live, and I feel bad about it.
That would be an instant. I'm not gonna say it. Spoiler on the thing. Does she have a face in the photo? Can you tell me that? Yes. Oh, she does. Yeah, so that sounds pretty fucking relevant, doesn't it, Jeremy?
You can have reconstruction, though. I don't. In 1993, you think you're getting realistic reconstruction.
I'm looking at the photo. I do not think we should put it on the piece. We are not putting it. That is not that kind of show. I do see a photo of over two women. We're not gonna put a penis on. We're not gonna put a woman with a face who lied about not having a face.
Comment below if you think Angela's a liar about her traumatic event. Are you on team Angela or team Jeremy? Sound off the comments. Wait, why team Jeremy? Why am I the other one? They never caught who did it. I'll leave the rest up to you.
Do we have more time for the gun question? I think we're done. We're only 30 minutes in. Okay, yeah, we bought a question. It's just we have other good questions. We have so many beautiful questions.
The answer is if you get shot in the head, it hurts a lot. It hurts bad. Ouchy.
Okay, actually apparently a lot of people are fine afterwards. This guy walked up the stairs after. Yeah, it's like not a big deal. It's like probably five. Nurses see someone get on their head and they do not laugh, but they do laugh if there's a microphone.
Okay, this is our religious segment. Religion, Corbid and Fruit. It's in the song. Yeah, I need to do it. Yeah, so here in Corbid and Fruit, we're asking the hard-hitting questions about faith.
The big guy.
Where do we go when we die? Where do we go? Where do I go?
I'm so lost, I'm a sheepoos. Sure, how do I keep feeding on my wife? What can I do? I can't get enough.
It's the betrayal that feels so good. Yeah, I think that's part of it, right? It's all baked in. I assume that's how that guy talks to.
Yeah, this question is, and this is addressed to, it's about atheists. Do atheists have an explanation for eating bread and disrespecting holy body? Now, one thing I've noticed, atheists be eating bread.
Ooh, they love it, they're like birds. They take it down. They can't, don't go out to an Italian restaurant with a bunch of atheists, because you are gonna be taking home in a lot of leftovers, I'll say that. You think birds know they're eating the body of Christ when they're in the river?
I don't think they do, and that's why they are damned, from start to finish. That's why hell is filled with ducks. No one has died for them, and for that they will be punished.
What are the comments on this guy? They're either strongly for or against on this kind of topic, we've noticed. So, just before we get into it, that doesn't actually count, right?
You can't just, not eating bread. Bread isn't all, not all bread is priced. Not all bread, but if you do it with your shirt. Hashtag, not all bread.
First of all, back to the earlier question, God knows when you're playing games. God knows when you're playing games.
He's not afraid to take you to task if you're eating bread in a way that's like it's his body, but disrespectfully. If you're eating bread disrespectfully, God doesn't like it, that's my final line. Do not eat disrespectful bread.
Act like you've been there before, and by there, I mean Olive Garden. Your family there. That's correct. When you're at Olive Garden, or when you're hanging out with Dominic Toretto, your family.
That's enough. Beautiful. I'm on the right board this time.
Do atheists need a reason to eat bread more than I like bread? I mean, if an atheist's world eating bread disrespect the holy body, whatever this means in taking an account that atheists don't believe in holy bodies, they are doing it no more and no less than theists eating bread.
That is, Luciano Molino. Shut up with that. It's not like that.
This guy's got a pretty epic answer for us. He says, sure, I have a couple actually. Ready? Here it is. His name is Muddy. And he has a bachelor's in audio engineer and auto theory. Yeah, I'll say it does have where he works. Anyway, continue. He lives in Australia.
Shouts out to Muddy. Are you ready? You in the dirt.
He says, bread existed before Jesus. Eating bread is in no way an inherently religious statement. The Bible not only states that it must be you unleavened bread, that's not true, right?
No, no, that's in there, that's part of it. That's why you get the waffle. Oh, I see. Yeah, I don't get the waffle. No self-raising flour, no yeast, but that is part of the communion ritual that allows transmutation into the flesh of Christ. My cheese and crackers on a Friday afternoon are therefore not heretical to your creed. That's exactly what I think. Hi, Muddy.
That would be such a funny reason to go to hell. I'm respectfully eating crackers. Yeah, it would be funny. There's lots of funny reasons to go to hell. Eat too many sandwiches. Hell is like a funny place.
I'm an atheist. My, when I was in college, I had a very religious roommate who, I remember asking him once, like, do you just straight up believe that I will go to hell for all eternity?
And he was like, yeah. And I was like, cool. Wow.
This guy says, yes, I don't give a goddamn about the holy body. Hey! He's like myself, like, bopping up spaghetti sauce with garlic holy body. Damn, dude. What did I say about Olive Garden?
That's Michael J. Hornblower. And he's an atheist of Quora. That's his bio. You gotta go back to church, Michael J. Hornblower. Look at that picture of him. You gotta go to church. He's doing the, like, snarky, like, he looks like a... He's blowing your horn right there. He's doing the Walter Math out from the end of Taking a Poem, 123. Michael J. Hornblower Esquire.
There's so many of these. Is it just that nurses, like, have, like, they need a rush between visits? That can only be satisfied by Quora? Yeah. Well, if they haven't seen enough micro-penises. Yeah, so you don't know every day if you're gonna get a funny penis. You might need to read Quora and kind of keep the rush going. I just cannot imagine getting called in to another room to look at a penis. Uh-oh.
You gotta see this. It looks like a lightning strike. Get your blue ribbon. Yeah, it's a, like, it's a Harry Potter style penis. Which ribbon should I bring? Okay, next question.
I named my baby daughter Lucifer. My close friends think I am satanic.
Is that all right? Yeah, that's all right. You can do that. No one's gonna stop you. It is not a judgment. It's a very pretty name. Judgment-free zone. Lucifer, it's a nice name for a girl. It's all right.
You don't like it? First, I do associate it with a masculine name and that's something I'm trying to outgrow. Yeah, you really need to lose that. I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
Every time I see you, I'll get a door dash from Lucifer and I'll be like, thanks for the food, bro. I'll look up if you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She's glowing with a heavenly glow.
If you're not satanic, I think you could probably save some steps and not name your daughter Lucifer. The confusion won't happen, which I think is what we're talking about.
Weird choice. It's somewhat weird. Did you just roll dice with sounds?
I named my daughter the Devil. The Devil Cat Lulates. Everyone's mad at me at church. My new daughter is named God Sucks.
I actually think I could see this being the other way and being a super religious person and being like, Lucifer, before his fall, was renowned for his great prowess. I like that you're doing it in the Jordan Peterson voice, though. He was a teller of stories. I'm not a meaner man.
Jordan Peterson famously, to us at least, got his start on Quora. He's a Quora guy. Famed loser, Jordan Peterson.
Sorry if any of the cracked heads love him. Sorry.
Yeah, we're gonna take no prisoners. Anyway, yeah, it's okay to name your daughter that. Yeah, you could do it.
No one cares. What are the responses? Everyone really mad?
Your question is about what people think about you, not the poor little girl who's about to be named after the Devil. Oh, judgment, we're judging. So narcissistic. Think about the complex your poor daughter would have growing up with that name and how bullied she would be. Think about her while naming her, not yourself. You can feel her pointing her finger at this proud.
I don't think that I would bully a kid named Lucifer. I think, A, I'd be scared, and B, I'd think it's kinda cool. There's gotta be a second where you're about to be like, Lucifer, you got paste on your fingers, your paste finger's Lucifer. There's some innocent childhood bullying.
Also, it's one of the funniest forms for him. It is really, he loves that. He thinks it's so funny. Dracula likes to be a dog.
If the Devil went to the hospital, the nurses would laugh because the penis is so big. Not if he's a kid. No, even if he's a kid, he's the Devil. You can have a big penis with a kid.
I don't know though. He's the Devil! I don't know that we should be. There's no rules!
I don't think we should be pulling in nurses. Like, you gotta check out this kid's dick. If you're a nurse and you see the Devil, even if he has a big penis, just leave him alone. That's what I'm rippin' on it. Wheel him outside if you can. Don't do it. Leave him for another hospital.
Also, kids aren't making fun of you based on your name. I feel like they sense weakness in you, and then they make fun of you. Attack. Kids, my name's Jeremy. When I was in middle school, people, I was so strong. I remember one kid would call me Germany, just to be mean.
Which doesn't make sense. It's not even mean. But they're not thinking about it, you know what I mean? Middle school kids aren't like, I gotta come up with the funniest insult today.
They're just like, your name is Lucifer? That sounds like Lucy. You're dumb. Hey, why don't you go retake the Rhineland? Stuff like that. There's just a, every school's got that one kid who knows too much about Germany. Sure, sure. Hey, Autobahn Pismark. Why don't you go reunify your sneakers, your shoes are untied. I feel some tension between us. Like, you're Prussia.
That's a thing that they could say. They could say it. And they did Austin.
Wearing a pork pie hat. That's just what the German kid is like. Anyway, if my name was Lucifer, I like to think people would not be scared of me. Think you're cool.
Did I mean to upvote this? Whatever. Yeah, it's fine. We believe in these answers. Lauren says, are you crazy?
First of all, that's a really stupid name for a girl. Secondly, I feel really bad for that kid. She's gonna be bullied, hated, picked on her out her whole life because you chose a stupid name for her.
Why don't you name her Lucy? That would be much better. She's gonna go by Lucy. She goes by Lucy.
It's short for Lucifer. Until she becomes like an alt-comic and then she goes by Lucifer. Yeah, she's the next Sarah Squirm. Yeah, no for her, yeah. Because her name is literally Lucifer and they have to give her a residency. Yeah, SNL is forced to hire you. You're automatically the most alternative young woman. By default. Yeah, your daughter's gonna get tortured growing up. Again, I'm not making fun of anyone named Lucifer.
This seems crazy. I'm maybe, maybe laughing at their penis. Right. That's about it. Because it's so big. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Everyone's just mad.
Oh, here's someone who goes, all right, my turn. Great start to Okora. My name is Stephanie. I was born in the United States. I went from my parents divorce.
I went with my mother to her hometown, Quebec City in Canada. Quebec is a French province in Canada.
Where is this going? It's her turn.
In French, they write Stephanie with an accent. My name does not have one since it's in English.
Simple enough, right? No biggie, if only.
My school year has been terrible for me. So fucking terrible. I've been bullied nonstop. Did nothing less than six different schools just for primary school because we moved. Yeah, but because I was bullied so much. Main reason I was bullied?
Yup, my name. My name was Stephanie. Every new year. Never seen a Stephanie before that. I would walk up to my teacher and tell them my Dave doesn't have an accent on it. Can you scratch it up? And the teacher jokingly would almost shout, oh, it's Stephanie. And of course, that would give the cue to the other students to start calling me that. Attack her. Your name doesn't matter.
Children sense weakness in you. That's how you get bullied. They're like, that girl sucks. Yeah, also, and just hearing from her now, she does kind of suck. I'm ready to bully her. She sucks now, and I hate when it's her turn.
There's 1,000 comments on this. I'm not reading the rest of it because it goes on so long.
If you give Stephanie an inch. Oh my god, she thinks she's a goddamn ruler. She'll switch schools on you six times. Outrageous young woman. Yeah, I don't like her at all. I think she's bad.
I would be cruel to her if we saw her. I'd be so cruel. I would be so cruel.
All right, forbidden knowledge. Let's hit that button. This is the segment forbidden knowledge. There is a segment on Quora that is genuinely called forbidden knowledge. We think that's funny. It has the secrets of the unknown, of the forbidden. What? The possibly behind this Quora door. The dark curtain of the world. All right, so these are questions that we're not supposed to be asking. But Quora has asked them. And this question is very dangerous.
How dangerous would Batman become if he learned magic? Now I think we should get this out of the way. Jeremy did not want to cover the Batman question. He thought that was nerd shit. About why no one cares if Batman learns magic.
Which guess what? Which is gonna be everyone's favorite question. Guess what? It's everyone's favorite.
Batman is famous for not having any magic.
If he had some, I bet he'd really do a lot with it. Cause he's such an inventive young man.
There's three answers. The first one is like 20 comics. Somebody posted a whole comic in here. It's too many comics. They like went to their library, put a full Mark Millar spread onto the scanner machine and then put it on Quora. And then this like David Schurr says, Batman did learn stage magic.
Just, I don't think what we're asking. No one's asking.
Batman knew sleight of hand. When you say magic, do you mean Batman finding love? What if Batman put a woman in a big box and pretended to cut her in half?
No one cares. No one cares about that.
We want to know if he could do like lightning bolts. You think Christopher Nolan, when he did the prestige, wanted it to be Batman and that was the premise? He wanted it to be Batman versus Superman. That was the original.
Superman can't do any. No. He doesn't have the subtlety for it.
He just punches the woman in half. It's easy for him. He can catch the bullet. It's child, and then he turns to the camera and he goes, child's play.
Superman says that? Yes. Yeah, that's true.
This is your man of steel. Wow. This is your man of steel, really? This is your man of steel?
Just punched a woman in half.
Batman did learn stage magic. He and it's trusted. He and it's trusted by a variety of real magic users so he has probably studied the real stuff himself. I don't know what that means. In DC, talent counts for a lot in using magic. It would seem that he doesn't have that talent. So when he needs serious magic, he calls on a friend or ally who does.
Ordinary weapons cannot hurt or kill Batman. What? See, we're at the basis of the website again which is not answering the question, what would happen if Batman had magic? If Batman was shot with an ordinary gun, he would die.
Yeah, he has all those things where he's like, oh, I wore my body armor today so I wasn't shot with a gun. This has four answers on it and people are just like, oh, very astute points. Oh, I'll vote for you. He doesn't need magic. I wanna know what would happen. I'm gonna say that's, I'm gonna comment. That's not the kind of magic we want him to have.
I'm not buying you a PlayStation 5 because you keep going on different websites as me and commenting and I hate it. Do you actually not want me to do it? You already did it. Just move on.
The next comment says, not very at all. Not very at all, why? He never uses 95% of the awesome stuff he has learned.
He has a master of virtually every martial art, goes around straight punching everyone. Brilliant detective, usually just charges in punching people. Oh, and did I mention he mostly just punches people?
Is that true though? I don't know. I don't think I have the Batman knowledge to really say that.
I think he does some detective. He's a great guy. He's cool.
That's the last movie where he was sad. Oh, yeah. It was funny to have Batman so sad.
I couldn't, the whole time I was watching that, I couldn't stop thinking that if the Riddler was a real guy, I would follow him on Twitter. Yeah. I'd be sending his tweets to people. Absolutely. He'd be like, he has a good voice. Yeah, where he's like, riddle me this. What if we killed everyone in Gotham? And I was like, dude, he tweeted again.
Why does he not say riddle me this more? He should. That's my biggest complaint. He really needs to.
I was so glad. I'm checking off on our preparation list. Riff about the new Batman 2022, Q1 2022. Okay, we have one more segment. It's five quo. It's our pulley segment. Okay, let me pull that out. Slam that sound.
This is not a real siren. If you're listening to the podcast in the car, you're totally safe. You're not being pulled over. It's just in the show, there's a siren.
Okay, this question is, why is it so cool to be a drug dealer in America? Is it because of Nancy Reagan? Okay. Why is it so cool?
So it's cool because you get, all right, so you get a big stack of money. You sell your drugs. You require a lot of, I mean, some of it's on Venmo and stuff now. I mean, I'm sorry if you don't know, but a lot of it's online now, but a lot of people are giving you 20s. They make a big stack.
You're talking to someone. All of a sudden you say, hold on, I'm getting a call, money phone. Oh, you love the money phone. Oh, hold on. You love having the money phone.
Oh shit. It's the cool version of the bank. Looks like I gotta go to the bank. That's usually why, it's never emergency.
Where does Nancy Reagan come into this? I think. Ronald Reagan's deceased wife. So there's two angles to this.
One is that she was on TV being like, hey, drugs are like eggs. Drugs are pretty much eggs. She kept saying that. And that made people want to do drugs.
Another thing is she's famous for kind of being like a super head. So I wonder if people were like, if I sell enough drugs, can I get head from someone like Nancy Reagan who's at the top of her field? They did say that she was famously the throat goat of Hollywood.
Yeah, and then Washington DC, which is a major superpower, you know? So like. Yes. At the top of the empire, she's out there leading the game throat first. And good for her. And before people get mad at me, this is like a historical fact. That is true. You can look that up. It's like 50 years old, this is not bias. She's one of the top mouths in the game. This is crack.com fact-based website.
You can't get mad at me. Batman doesn't have magic.
Other shows are like, here's 10 things you didn't know about the Power Rangers. And we're like, did you know Nancy Reagan gave the best head?
She did though. She'll suck you dry. She's a ghost now. Yeah, she is. And she's dead. She's definitely dead, right? I would feel bad saying this if she's still alive, just an off chance that she's surfing cracked.
Sure. She's like, wait a minute. She's just googling crack. I'm in minute 50 of Corators. She died in 2016. Season two? She loves Corators.
Nancy Reagan? They got some wild stuff all day. She came in when we did the Master Chief episode and she never left. We do have an episode entirely about Master Chief. We cannot talk about that right now. Anyway, yeah, so I think it's to get like a top bitch like Nancy Reagan on there.
And you gotta do it by selling drugs on your money phone. You can sell any illegal drug that you want and get rich doing it because of the open southern border. Drugs are pouring in at a faster rate than ever before.
I don't think that's true, Chris Miller. Wait, read the last one.
All brought to you by President Joe Biden, the biggest mistake ever appointed to the White House. So the answer is it's not Nancy Reagan's Joe Biden. People wanna be a drug dealer to impress Cool Joe Biden. Diamond Joe Biden.
Finally, they'll think I'm cool. The train man. They wanna hop on the money train with Diamond Joe. I gotta be the next corn pop. He tells these inspirational tales about these guys. They sell drugs and they're the pillars of the community. And they're like, if that's what it takes to impress Joe Biden, I'll do it. Imagine like if the conservatives were correct though and like you could get invited to the White House for being so good at selling drugs. Like you're like a kid at high school or whatever and instead of like the rumbling team, they bring the drug dealers. All right, dab me up.
Slam it. Is that Joe Biden? Yeah, slam it. Can you tell I'm doing his catchphrase? Yeah, he's gonna slam it all the time. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You think he could dab? He's always dabbing in the wrong direction, the paparazzi's catching it. Oh yeah, they're always making fun of him. And the conservatives are like, Biden has fumbled again. He doesn't even know how to dab.
All right, read more of these all fantastic answers. Okay, Will Rogers says, how in the world can you credit the late Nancy Reagan for it being quote, cool to be slinging illegal narcotics around your neighborhood? Could it be that you're sampling too much of your own products to engage in rational thoughts? Now this person is engaging in psychological jujitsu. This is Will Rogers.
It is a deadly gambit to engage in. He's an older man. He worked as an honorary doctorate in international law enforcement for the Baghdad police. I did not see that coming. I don't know what's going on there. That was really interesting. See, the thing is it's also interesting. He knows about guns and cancer, parentheses, disease.
Oh no. And Baghdad police college. Okay, what is that? Is that in Iraq? What is that? No, but like he's from Texas. Is there another? I assume it's teaching people in Baghdad.
Yeah, that's what it is. Police stuff. It's teaching them how to like play games on your phone and stuff. Oh yeah. That's how we did it. We sent our Texas police officers. Just explaining the different features on an iPhone. You know what you need to do.
Here's his candy crush. How many of you know Flappy Bird?
You may be forced to deploy him at a moment's notice. Here is your tank. There's a world of tanks.
Oh yeah. This guy says, no, being a drug dealer isn't necessarily a cool job. It pays well, but is illegal, of course. Sure. That's the one downside.
As an addict, I can say that dealers have to quote, deal with clients that are shysty. A lot of dealers themselves are pretty shit people. And a lot of them are overall interesting and nice people.
It's a dead end at a certain point. Explain that 20 year gap on your resume.
That was a very frank answer from an addict. I wonder if, I'm surprised that nobody was like, yeah, you can deal drugs legally if you're a pharmacist. Yeah, that's because it's not Reddit. That would be a Reddit response.
All of these responses are, ask Hunter Biden and then arrest him. It does say, ask Hunter Biden. Half of the answers are, Joe Biden is Nancy Reagan. If I could be, hey, I'll Hunter Biden.
First question I'm asking is, you doing all these drugs because of Nancy? Is this to impress Nancy? Is this to impress Throko Nancy?
She's not around anymore. 2016.
Nancy Reagan won't see all the drugs you're doing, but I will. Alex will suck your dick. And then, yeah, I have sex with Hunter Biden. Unfortunately, that's what we're talking about. He's putting a blue ribbon on it. Nancy Reagan will suck your head, Ray. I forgot, they're called Henry's.
It made me laugh again.
All right, let's see. We got one more question. We got one more of the day. Okay. A lot of gun questions today.
It's not a political show, folks. No, it's not. It's not a political show.
Just a good time. Here's just a normal question. Someone breaks into your house and then you, if someone breaks into your house, I gotta get this good for the TikToks. What are you going for, a sound? I'm getting the gunshot. If someone breaks into your house and then you grab your gun to confront him, what would you do if he laughs and shows you the bullets that were supposed to be in your gun? That's not happening.
Well, save with, I don't have a laugh. You want me to find a laugh? I can't do that. A laugh is a basic sound that we should be getting for the board. Hopefully we're getting laughs. What would you do if he laughs and he shows you the, yeah, I should just record all the big laughs we're getting tonight.
What would you do? Would you just focus for one second, please, on this very serious question?
You're an anime expert. Yeah, and people do laugh a lot in anime. It's a funny, they're pretty much, everyone's a nurse in anime.
It's like a slow, evil laugh, right? It's like, and you drop the bullets one by one. They go, you'll be missing these. But what do I do? I'm like, oh, damn. That's probably it.
He breaks into your house. You grab your gun, and then he has the bullets and he slowly drops them as he laughs. Oh. I've read that this happens to one in like a hundred people across the United States every year. If you do that, the guy is broken into your house to kill you first of all. He's like not there for material law. Great job. You're talking to a young girl named Lucifer. He's there to steal your life.
But in terms of what I do, I either get a second gun that I've hidden just in case this happens, or I'm killed right then and there by a dastardly villain. New listeners should know that a big part of Korra is people asking what you would do if someone tries to kill you, and then you go like, well, I'd take out my knife and I'd slit their throat. Yeah, and I would kill them. When they try to kill me, that's when I'm killing them.
It's my signature move. All right, so there's a bunch of people here who are just giving little scenarios. This guy, this is so fucking long. Oh my god. That's like a three act play. It's like a movie like script. All right, I'm gonna read a little bit of it. There's a lot of tit for tat in there. Now this is a person named Murphy Barrett. Do you wanna read the first scene?
She calls herself Mrs. Me. So she said, how about this? I'll be Mrs. Me, you be me. Okay, I can read it from here. Wait, who's which? Who's Burglar? All right, I'm gonna be Mrs. Me and Burglar. Oh, this is the guy, this is his wife. It's me, yeah. This is me as the wife. He's the guy. I understand completely. I think everyone gets it. Okay, I'll be me. You be the Mrs. and I'll be the Burglar. I feel like me is gonna end up talking to the Burglar a lot. Okay, I'll be Mrs. Not to drag this thing out any longer. I'll be Mrs. You be me, I'll be the Burglar. Okay, I'm me.
Sir, sir, wake up. There's someone in the house. Of course there is kitten. There's five of us, plus the cat and dog.
I mean an intruder. All right, I'll go check. Fetch his pistol, too tired and dopey to actually check that it's loaded because the premise of the question demands it. Confront, and then I confront intruder in living room. It's not like, it's not standard playwriting format. It's kind of off on guard. Hello, I'll be ruining your burglary tonight. Put your hands up and get on your knees. You think you scared me? Dramatically drops bullets onto the floor.
Polls trigger. Hey, he could be lying. Click, bollocks. Oh, he's British. Bollocks.
Throws gun as distraction, grabs sword from wall, have at the villain. A sword? What are you going to do with a sword?
All right, this is enough of this. Yeah, we got it. We got the idea.
It goes on very long. He calls his wife kitten. He's British. He says bollocks.
We don't like any of that. I want to read the comments. You guys don't want to hear about that.
This has two and a half thousand of us and all the comments are just like, well done. An excellent sword grab, sir. I concur. This is by far my favorite answer I've ever read on here. I hope Hunter Biden doesn't break into your house, sir.
This guy says, you are an amazing human and you should write books. Okay, and the guy says, I'm working on a sci-fi now that I plan to publish via Amazon when it's done. If that goes well, I may publish some other work. All right, this was four years ago. Is there a sci-fi yet? That's the question. This guy's name is Murphy Barrett. We're going to the Post History to see if he has published sci-fi. He's done 3,000 posts, though. All right. There's no way this guy published a book. We would know. He posted six hours ago. I read a lot of sci-fi.
Yeah, that too. That too.
And so he hasn't. He hasn't done it. He gave up on the dream. His name is, let me look at it, Orson C. Scott Card. Never heard of him.
Do you want to read any more of these? All of these are the same thing. They're all quotes.
Stop right there. I'm warning you. You have a gun, the intruder. So what? I have your bullets. Wait, what? How'd you get my bullets? Don't tell me you snuck in and unloaded them while I was sleeping. Why not? Because idiot and with a brain would have taken my gun, too.
To Jeremy, they're all too long to read. They're all really long.
You have to hit the More button. And it's a full play. So in the end, the answer is you got to write a play about it. You have to write a play and tell people what it's like, what it happens. And then you have to publish your science fiction novel. You have to do it.
All right. So that's going to be all the chorus for us this week. Thanks for dropping on down. Now we do end every single show with kind of our signature segment here. Debatably our only segment.
And that is, of course, asking a question to the website for next week. That way we can read the answers in the next episode.
I have more thoughts about getting shot in the face. OK, I have thoughts about nurses laughing at my penis.
How do we combine these ideas? How do we make a little peanut butter jelly sandwich out of that?
If you're a nurse. If I've been shot in the face, these are two flavors that do not go together as a problem. If you're a nurse. If I get shot in the penis, will a nurse laugh at it?
Oh, yeah, that's fine. That's pretty good.
I feel like we'll farm engagement with that. People want to answer a quora like that. If I get shot in the penis, will the nurses laugh at it? So we got new chorus for you every week. Please come on down to the channel. If you like the show, we do have a patreon, patreon.com slash Quorators. We are the Quorators podcast. We read Quora. I feel like everyone understands what's happening here. It's not complicated. Here's the theme song. Thanks for listening. |
TheOnion | Surgeon_General_Smoking_Fine_As_Long_As_You_Only_Do_It_When_You_Drink | And in a surprise announcement this morning, U.S. Deputy Surgeon General Greg Paulson stated that, quote, it's fine to smoke cigarettes if you only smoke while drinking. The deputy surgeon general has called a press conference to discuss the shocking findings which began just moments ago. Let's go live to that now. Was there a particular study this report was based on?
Look, that determination was made after considering that someone who only smokes when at bars or parties ends up smoking maybe 15 cigarettes a month, while regular smokers are smoking 150 to 200 cigarettes each week. So we feel that it's just obvious that as long as you don't actually buy the cigarettes and you only smoke them while consuming the alcohol, then the risks of getting lung cancer are basically mostly negligible. Just common sense. Yes. Does the alcohol neutralize the negative effects of the cigarettes? I don't believe that there's any evidence as of yet that proves that necessarily, but for relatively healthy individuals, if you go running or something the day after you are out, then the tar and stuff is not going to just sit there in your lungs. And that is why the Office of the Surgeon General has proposed a revised warning for cigarette packages. Because it's only when you become a regular smoker that you smoke really deep down your chest, that's unhealthy. Occasionally smokers, they just smoke up here. But cigarettes are still definitively linked to cancer. Look, you know what, you don't eat enough butter, it can kill you. I mean, all I'm saying is that if you smoke a couple cigarettes a week, it is the equivalent amount of smoking cigarettes of smoke, you know, standing next to a bus. So basically, you live in a city, you end up smoking like five packs of cigarettes a day in a row.
Right? Come on. But smoking is clearly bad. You know what? Stress is bad for your health. If you smoke a couple cigarettes, then in a way, and it takes that stress away, then in a way, it's healthy. I mean, you know what? You can die at any time.
Press conference over. Well, that was live footage of Deputy Surgeon General Greg Paulson addressing reporters. This announcement comes on the heels of the Surgeon General's last announcement that drinking and driving is fine if you ate a lot that day or if it's a route you take all the time sober.
Moving on, the Japanese Space Agency has announced plans to put a schoolgirl on the moon by 2015.
Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Bec_Charlwood | Now today on the podcast we're speaking to a guest who is a popular Australian comedian. She's a presenter. She's recently released her full stand-up comedy special.
Yep. And you can find that live on YouTube called Bipolar Baby. Now we recorded this just before Christmas at the end of the year there, given everyone's commitments. So there might be some data references in there, but generally it's pretty good to go. Bec Charlwood, how are you? Sweaty baby, but absolutely pleased to be here. Love that.
Now, how has the press run been? Doing lots of talking over the last couple of weeks, I believe. So much talking, just absolutely never shutting the hell up. But thank God I chose this profession because I love to talk about myself. So it's been great.
Well you are a comedian. Comedians do tend to like to do that.
How has the reception been to the special Bipolar Baby? It's been awesome. It's been, no one, I haven't gotten any like crazy negative comments. Like no one has been like, this is the worst thing I've ever seen.
Fuck you. Kill yourself. None of that.
A lot of those comments on TikTok, turns out on YouTube, doesn't exist. TikTok is nasty. And they're very creative with how nasty they are.
But I was also reading your YouTube comments and you've got a lot of male fans. Yeah, I got some sitters. A lot of Bec stans out there. Yeah, yeah. A lot of people commenting on my appearance, but all of them very respectful. Yeah. I copy and pasted this one because I thought it was really cute.
You were way, capital way too pretty to be this funny. Like seriously, what's wrong with you?
There's got to be something. But I'm not seeing it.
And somebody's commented, have you watched the show? I saw that made me cackle. Did you reach out to that guy who made contact? The classic girls can't be funny, particularly hot girls can't be funny. Did you reach out to that young man who obviously would be very well adjusted? Yeah. I mean, it did tell me, I was like, did you watch it with the sound on? Like, it doesn't pose the question. It's like, does anyone listen to women anymore or ever, you know, there's some good ones out there. But as long as you got the view count up and comments equal engagement, what are some of the fair ones you get on TikTok? Oh my God.
Women aren't funny.
Yeah. That's the classic. That's the guy. Yeah. It doesn't bother me anymore.
Because every time you click on a profile, it's never anyone cool.
I don't know. Billie Eilish. Fuck. Oh my God.
Chance the Rapper said women aren't funny, but it's always like a dude who has his pit ball as a profile picture. I was literally about to say a pit ball, yes.
Or a Nissan Pulsar. I'm like, I don't care what a Nissan Pulsar has to say. Sorry.
Or it's potentially the archetype of like still living at home, gamer, mum makes meals for him, has strong opinions on women in comedy.
Yes. Yeah. He's the only woman he probably has been in physical contact with ever in his life. 100%.
But it's gotten to a point where I have a system because what will happen is it'll start and then 20 dudes will comment the same thing. What I'll do is I'll just find one and I'll pin it as the top comment.
So they all know that, don't worry boys. The job's been taken care of by this brave soldier. This guy's already got it. And look, I guess it is entertaining in a way.
Does it get you down or are you one of those people that's like, ah, fuck, I couldn't be bothered. I just scroll along. It doesn't bother me. And again, it's no one important is never anyone important. If like, I don't know if like Sandra Bullock was like, I hate this. I would maybe look inward cause I adore her, but otherwise I don't, I don't care. And you can't. Originally I did at the start, but then I just realized I was like, Oh, this is going to be the road forever. And it doesn't matter.
Cause it could, we'll have like a hundred thousand likes and people were like, this is so funny. And some will be like, actually I didn't enjoy it. Actually a large amount of saliva moving around the mouth actually.
Is it mostly to do with like basically being a female comedian, obviously this special discusses some pretty hectic things, right? It discusses your diagnosis. Were there any kind of like angry comments along those lines or like, did anyone go for you for that or the way you discuss it or anything like that?
Not on YouTube. It's been lovely. On TikTok, I have a little video that went off pretty hard and people to the, I posted over a year ago to this day.
People are still arguing in the comments, but it's gotten to a point where there's so many comments on it. I can't even like go through them to find where the arguments are and who's saying what. Is there like a few different arguments or is it like a general argument that they're going back and forth on?
Oh, heaps and one is like, uh, this isn't bipolar. This is just being crazy and you're like, I would love if that was the case. But I went to a doctor and he said that it is, or people being like, this is so me, lol. And then other people being like, well, if this is you get help and like, yeah, it's kind of like the message of the whole thing. It's never any, it's never an argument like, oh, I never thought about that. You're like, were you watching? Shut up. So are you part of the whole, um, people's self diagnosing on TikTok thing is, do you think your video has, uh, added to that? Uh, yes, unfortunately. Is it on bipolar talk? I think it might be. I mean, I, I totally don't think you should self-diagnose. I want to put that out there loud and clear, but I think TikTok and mental health, uh, TikTok is helpful for, to set people on a path towards an actual diagnosis. That's for sure.
Cause for ages I was like, I don't know what the is wrong with me. I can't hold down a job. I can't hold down a relationship. I'm a terrible friend. Everyone's mad at me all the time and I just cannot get it together.
And then when I got diagnosed, everything, everything became easier and everything made so much sense. Yeah. That would have been a relief hugely. Not to want to spoil the, uh, the special, you went for an ADHD diagnosis and then the, and then you were diagnosed with bipolar? Yes. Yeah. Went in there for just something chill, something cool and came out just flaming full of mental illness turns out. That you would have walked out of the room pretty rattled, I imagine after that. Yeah.
I was, I was pissed off to be honest. I was like, this isn't fun. Like this isn't, bipolar isn't one of the fun, cute ones. I would like a little bit of depress, you know, that's, that's a fun ritalin. And then all of a sudden you're telling me, I got to go on anti psychotics that you can't sell that at parties.
People don't lie. I'm not going to make money from this. Yes. No one was Sarah cool. It's sleepy and it makes you gain weight. Yuck. This is not, that's the opposite of what people want at parties. Definitely not a party drug.
How was the decision to decide to make that the focus of the special? Was the only interesting thing going on in my life. Once I got diagnosed, like all of like the party stories and everything like crazy, like dating stories all fizzled out because I got my life in order and I got like a sensible job and a good relationship and started being like a nice person. So all of a sudden they didn't have any big, crazy stories to talk about other than this. My whole life became about like managing my mental illness and it just, it became all consuming so it's all I had to write about really. And after it happened as well, I was like, one day I need to talk about this cause it's just insane.
It's good content. Do you ever miss the mania? Oh, all the time, it's awesome. It's sick. I mean, you don't have to confess to this, but I'm sure you guys would have done recreational drugs perhaps around the MDMA.
Mark, I'm not confirming whether... My mum has answered this podcast. They're both shaking their heads, looking very ashamed of me for anyone, particularly if Wendell's mum is listening.
Well, if you are out there and you have, it's a great feeling, but imagine that last for just days on end and there is a level of arrogance to it and like, cause often if you take like MDMA or something, you get like really lovey-dovey like, oh my God, I love the people around you. You want to kiss everyone and tell them how great they are. Instead you're like, you feel like you're a God.
Anything I wish to be true will become true and I have the power to do anything. I have power over other people and feeling like nothing can or ever will go wrong.
Probably a lot of successful or celebrities, especially, I mean, you mentioned in your show Kanye West, but that's a lot of like to have that self-belief probably would be very helpful. I think it's great. I think it's helped me. Definitely. It's what got me into stand up is looking at comedy and being like, that looks easy as hell.
I should get up right now while they're performing and I have the mic. Which is in a manic episode, the guy I was dating was like, it's my dream to be a stand up comedian. And I was like, what are we doing? We need to go out tonight. We need to make it happen. So we rocked up to an over mic and he's like, no, no, no, like this isn't how I wanted to do it. And I'm like, you need to let this guy on stage. He's going to dream.
And they're like, well, you have to, you can't just go up, you have to like sign up and come back next week. We're like, okay. Went back the next week and he went up and he did great. I went up bombed, bombed so hard and it rattled me out of the manic and I was like, that's an awful feeling. I need to get good at this. I need to, like, I need to know that this feels good cause it looks so fun. Yeah. I'm impressed you guys went back a week later. I could have seen that it's just like, oh we can't do it tonight.
Has he pursued a career in comedy? Is he? No, he did two gigs and now he I think works in banking, lives in Queensland and has a three by two display home in some suburb with a wife and dog.
Sunny Coast, are we talking or Goldie? No, I think, uh, I think Townsville even.
Okay. Yeah. Lovely. Um, and obviously it's worked out for you because you are now a career comedian, can we say? Yeah. It's my job now. It's your job. Yeah. Which is great.
This started, it's so different cause at the start of this year, like I was on Centrelink and like the poorest I've ever been my whole life. Like I've been to zip pay my groceries, shout out to zip pay available for Colson I'm a worse delivery.
So cool. Not dystopian at all.
Um, and now like it's, yeah, it's my full time job. What was the turning point you reckon? I think it was like a hard talking to, to myself of being like, if you want this to work, you have to treat it like a full time job. It's not just booking a couple of gigs fucking around all day and then showing up. He's like, you have to put in work to get like writing jobs and podcast staff have to put effort into that and clips and like really build your own act as your own manager and your own opportunities. And then everything started like gaining speed. I want to talk about that traction, but just quickly, I believe you worked for a company that designed self serve checkout machines.
I did.
Surely you could have used the inside knowledge there to go in and just, just peel off with some rump steak and vegetables for Brown onion prices. I'd be surprised it's the easiest way to steal is just weighing something different. Like there's no code that I could have done like to find, I definitely thought about it. I mean working as like a factory worker on like minimum wage, I was like, how can I make this? But they're pretty indestructible from like code wise. How would you, do you have a background in any of that sort of stuff working?
No, no, I would, I went to an employment agency cause my resume was so shit. No one would hire me.
I've had, I think I've had like 32 jobs. 32.
It's too many. It's simply too many.
That's very impressive. But I think that that would help you as a comedian. You have so much, you know, inside knowledge of various industries. Yeah. I mean I worked at Ikea for a long time, so like getting, I can get through an Ikea so quickly.
Lovely lunches at Ikea, right? Great lunches.
Don't eat the meatballs two days in a row though. It will give you the runs. Really? That is some inside knowledge that everyone would probably hear. I just get a bad batch cause I feel like I'd be doing five days a week meatballs.
That's because Ikea, this is okay. Swedish meatballs, right? Swedish meatballs at Ikea, cause you know how they have the restaurant where the people eat? On the other side of the wall, they have a miniature restaurant where all the staff eat.
Really? Yeah.
And you get like hella cheap lunches. So you can get like 12 meatballs for like a couple of bucks. Cause they're pretty cheap already. I know that they, my grandparents love nothing more than doing, it's like four or five dollar breakfast and you get eggs, bacon, everything.
Yeah.
Cause they make a loss on that. Sorry, I'm getting really into my nurture with Ikea is the reason they make the food so cheap is because it's like a huge selling point and it gets people into the store and then they inevitably end up spending money. So same with the bunning sausage sizzle thing. They don't make a dollar for it. That's all charities that come and do the sausage sizzle. But people go there for the sausage and then all of a sudden they walk out with some $400 Ryobi drill or you know, a new lawnmower, et cetera, et cetera.
Back into the basically going full time into comedy. What does that look like? Is that, is a mixture of writing, gigs, podcasting, the J's, et cetera. How does it, how does it like an average kind of week look for you?
So I'll usually do one shift at triple J, who's a trivia night, which covers me rent. I'll do trivia public house, Peter Shum, every Wednesday come through. And then I'll host a couple of gigs throughout the week and then either do like a writing thing or like some occasionally you'll get like some sponsored content, which gives you like, yeah, a nice little chunk of money, a corporate, occasionally they're really what help like bridge the grats, the grats, the gap. So like usually throughout the week, I don't make too much money from actual standup.
It's like stand up adjacent things. And then occasionally once a month was every two months you get a corporate and they're like, Oh my God, okay, I'm going to be able to go to the doctor's. That's awesome.
How do you like create comedy for corporates? Like how do you, how do you, do they give you dot points of things to talk about? Are you joking about the boss? Like how does, how does it work? It's different for every corporate because everyone has a different idea of what they think stand up is because a lot of people just watch it and have never seen it live.
So they'll be like, Hey, we're having a luncheon in a meeting room and in my head, I'm imagining you're going to come and do 20 minutes of stand up. It's going to bring the vibe up. It's going to be the middle of the day fluorescent lights. No one wants to be there, but I'm sure it will be awesome.
And then you have to try talk them into giving you just like a microphone to make it more bearable. And then most of the time they are pretty disappointed with the product, but you have their money and that's always often a sizable amount of money. I think everyone, you know, sports people, comedians, influencers, there's a lot of love for corporate gigs and a lot of appreciation for corporate gigs.
What's the darkest one you've had?
That sounds pretty close to it standing in a boardroom in the middle of the day. That's actually directly. It was an international women's day gig where it was, yeah, in the lunchroom of a office and it was me and one other comedian and then, uh, someone from the liberal government did a speech and then a woman who worked for a domestic violence charity did a talk and they're like, and now it's time for stand up comedy.
And every, by the way, everyone was standing, no one was sitting.
Yeah. And they gave us a microphone. It didn't work, but we all just held it because otherwise you'd feel insane. Like just giving a 10 in the office, just telling a long story about like how you got your ass eaten. And you're like, this is not, did you really, was that the, the, the bin, the bin story? I told the bin story because they were like, we'd love that.
We really want to hear about the mental health stuff. I was like, I think you want to hear about fun mental health. I don't think you want to hear about the mental health because the love is for him, dude.
That sounds like a tough one. That's an interesting mix of speakers to get up there. And uh, yeah. Yeah. Fun times.
So I did have a great run of corporates for a, I won't say what fast food company, but I'm loving the money that they gave me and that was fun. I just got to like, uh, MC. Were they offering you up food and stuff? No, they didn't give out any, which I was surprised about.
Yeah. But I guess it was all like for their workers. So you go in a head office and their head office isn't going to be eating the stuff that they're serving in their, their, uh, restaurants, which I'm assuming is set underneath the golden arches. Every day. Yeah. Lovely.
Few shifts. The J's over the Chrissy break for you. We'll be hustling away. I'll be covering weekend breakfast.
Yup. I'm very excited. I've got a show that I'm going to do called, uh, Australian comedians have other talents where I get my friends on who are comedians that have other talents, mostly just musical and make them verse each other and get the text line to vote.
Do you guys have any? I was about to ask you if you had any, no, I'm very untalented.
I'm just a random kind of suburban kid from here in Battuta. I'm like, okay, it's sport.
Do you play an instrument at all? No. Can you sing? No way.
I don't even know karaoke songs. Even that you're like, I do nail this. No, I don't even know karaoke songs. I don't even lips of an angel by hinder everyone can nail this.
This is how you remind me. You know what?
I had an argument the other day, Nickelback is a good band. I think they're a good band. They get a bad rap. They didn't deserve the shit they got. No, they're a good band. No, but it's, it's that pop culture thing, you know, where people like to pile on and it becomes a fun joke to be a part of. I agree with you. They're not, they're not as bad as everybody makes them out to be, you know, talent, talent, talent.
Um, I used to be able to nail like a horse really well because I was a horse girl. Why did you give it a go?
Come on. I instantly regretted saying that. Okay. Yeah.
I'm very impressed. You said that as soon as that sentence came out, I was like, shit, you're gonna, you're gonna now cause you've got different, you've got like the Winnie, you've got the snort, the nay. I think this is awesome. Wendell's dying. Wait, like, wait, like, that's really good. No, the Winnie's more like, and then like, no, I don't know what that was.
I know the sound.
Yeah.
I used to be, do you want to come on Australian comedians have other talents? Do you ever get into hobby horsing? I did.
I had a unicorn one and I had a brown one. So the unicorn one, it had, you pressed its, um, uh, ear and it went, and we're getting a cacophony of horse sounds.
There are so many, but I, I kept that shit up until I was 14 and that's too old. Yeah. That's a couple of years. I was running around the oval, jumping over things at school, at fucking school.
Did you have like, like waist length hair? I did have pretty long hair.
Yeah. It went too, it went too long. That's great. I'm proud that you were so proud to be you in high school. You know what? This is what I like. Yeah. I've only this year have finally adopted the attitude of like, fuck, it's what I like. Yeah. You know what?
Everyone's unique. Everyone's got their own interests.
I love that for you. Um, thanks to you.
I'm this close to getting into fan fiction. Um, honestly it's going to happen. What sort of fan fiction are we thinking? I saw the new Hunger Games movie and yes, I longed for more and I know that the internet has more.
He's a hottie. But he's dangerous. He's scary. He's bad. And he's got the white blonde hair.
Yes. Like the devil. Yes. Who is he? Who's the new Hunger Games guy? He's the young snow. I believe. Yes. I know someone who's into the Harry Potter fan fiction and I just can't. Who's the new Wendell? Yes.
A lot of Harry Potter fan fiction on the side. So all fan fiction is erotic of sorts? Is that the case? Or can there be just like random fan fiction that is not to do with? Oh no, you can have normal ones, but obviously the ones that get talked about a lot is the erotic ones. And Fifty Shades of Grey is a Twilight fan fiction, which is one of my favorite facts to tell.
Do you? I told you about the 9-11 to Fifty Shades of Grey pipeline. Do you know about this one? No. I think I've heard about this. Yeah. I think I need to know. So 9-11 happens. Awful tragedy. Yeah.
Gerard Way is working as, I think, a comic book artist or in computers. Something that he is like, this is not it. He sees how tragic it is. He realizes life is short. I can't be doing things that I don't like.
He starts My Chemical Romance, okay, to deal with the dark feelings, express himself, follow his dreams. Stephanie Meyer listens to My Chemical Romance, is inspired by the dark themes.
Big fan. It inspires her to write the novel Twilight, right? Twilight, huge massive success.
Online. Oh, what is it? E.L. James. James.
Yes.
He starts making fanfiction called Fifty Shades of Grey, which become the Fifty Shades of Grey series. And that's how 9-11 inspired Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh my god. 9-11 did Fifty Shades of Grey. Osama Bin Laden. Osama Bin Laden did 9-11 and 9-11 did Fifty Shades of Grey.
And equal atrocity. Had a lot to answer for, didn't you? There you go.
That's a very interesting fact. You love a fact, don't you? I believe in your show you put a few facts. I love a fact. Effy loves a fact. Effy also loves a fact.
They all tend to be. You feature in the special saying a fact and before we started recording, you didn't realize that it was your voice. No, I had had many proseccos at that point.
You know pigeons are the only birds that drink like us? They actually suck water. How else do birds, they just like...
They like lap and then they're just all sorry. Yeah, that was a graphic thing. They lap it up and then like they get their tongue out, right, and they go like a little bird. Leather tongues.
Yeah, yeah. But pigeons are the only ones that... So you could give a pigeon a straw. Potentially. Oh my god. That's how you charity straws for pigeons. Or a steel straw, not a plastic straw. Be very responsible.
Wow. That's a great animal fact. I love that. I wanted to ask you about the podcast. You used to do a successful podcast, part of the Diamond Tender Media Stable, the far-reaching Diamond Tender Media Stable. That's recently come to an end. Yes.
How has it been transitioning back to being able to watch movies without having to think about them and analyze them for your podcast? And watch movies that you want to watch. I thought I would be so relieved after years of watching movies that were prescribed to us, that we didn't want to watch, and then having to analyze them and everything. Now, the first few weeks, I was like, oh, so I'm going to watch what I watch. And now when I watch something and I want to talk about it, I have nowhere to talk about it. I mean, Alex will catch up and I'll just, we'll immediately have to have like mini podcasts because it's just such a great release for us and we're so accustomed to just talking about everything we've watched in depth.
I miss it.
You need to get on Reddit. IMDB used to have that section where you could talk shit about a movie and they got rid of it, which is devastating. But now everyone goes to Reddit. So you watch something and something pisses you off.
Type it in and you can see all these people and it's great. And you talk to each other and they reveal things that you didn't even notice. It's so much fun. That does sound, I love when people are like, but did you notice this? Like, I have to watch the whole thing again. Oh, I just wanted to comment that the divorce dad house is such a thing.
Beers and steaks all the way. My dad loved clearance meat. He would go to the shops specifically before they closed on a Saturday because all the meat would go on clearance and we would always go back to mom's with like stomach bugs just galore. Mom was just like, all right, it's, it's a diet. Monday is diarrhea time, I guess, in the house better stock up.
And then he has the one-ply toilet paper as well. Oh my God. That's a bad combination.
I remember the soap was like, almost like a mummified. Like it was like had, you know, when you've had soap for so long, it starts to get like flakes on the side and there's like dirt deep trapped in it. Oh, like the hard soap?
Yes. Yeah. My dad has just like the- Oh, dad's not getting liquid soap. No. It's too expensive. My dad gets, and they end up being like tiny. Yeah.
Do we have the same dad? I think everyone has the same dad secretly.
Was he okay with the clearance steak? In fact, he built up the constitution to be able to process those off-meats.
Well, my father has never described a bowel movement to me in his entire life, so I would never know. I would never, maybe, perhaps. If you were in the cubicle with him at work, you might know otherwise, but generally- As a child, no, we had separate bathrooms, so, you know, maybe he had three-ply in his bathroom.
Oh, he could. Yeah, no, that's slander. That's going too far.
My father loves me. He's terrible at interior decorating, but he loves me.
Well, Bec, thank you very much for stopping by the podcast. All the best with the show, going gangbusters, we'll keep on rolling. Enjoy the summer, and we'll talk to you soon. Thanks so much for having me, guys. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_art_dealers_their_son_nuni_snl | Well, I hope so. we got to figure out where this leak is coming from. Please. Hi. um, we're your neighbors. We're renting us a unit downstairs for the summer. Oh the basement unit. Yeah. Oh, what a surprise Honey, the basement people are here. come in. come in visitors.
What a treat. I was just bbqing some urchins. can I offer you something to drink hot cream? No, thanks.
We have a leak in our ceiling and we're just trying to figure out where it's coming from. Hmm. How curious? Won't you sit down? allow us to introduce ourselves. this is my wife.
Nune and I am Nune Nune and Nune. Yes, correct. You're the first Californians to pronounce our names correctly. Yes, you're really using the muscles in your uvula perfectly. Yeah, how does this work? Put your face in the face hole. Silly.
This chair is neat. Um, is this a barber chair? yes, but here. But look, Taito Taito, do a chair. Wow, oh how high does this chair go?
You don't know? This is a limited edition prop. Next year I'm going to buy a goldfish. That's great. man. Hey, um what is that hissing noise? Well, that is my chair melting. it is melting because it is made of ice. Yeah, okay. well, then that that explains the leak I was talking about. We're in the solarium. Oh wow.
Another nune. No, no, nune nune, right. Are you crazy? that's my wife's name. you already met her. Nune Nune. no, that is the name of an old person. Nune.
I'm young. What do you think? I am?
A grandmother? we don't know your name. Yeah, right. um, I'm Greg and this is Susan Zuizu. No, no Susan Parson Susan Susan.
Whoa Susan with an S. Oh not Kay like Kay and Kite. let's fly a kite. I want a kite for Christmas. Shroofus Your name is very difficult to pronounce. Who wants to change the subject.
I want to be a pop star. Oh, our son has a wonderful talent for music. Nune share one of your originals with us. please. this is a song about insecurities and when your body change playing the game now ignoring my friends. Now I'm dancing in the mirror. Here's a musical genius. I want to perform at stadiums around the world. Greasy shoes shine.
How do you feel about our son's music? Yes. Do you think he's a musical genius? Yeah, best ever.
I'm starting to get a little light-headed Will somebody let me down? Child: What is the matter?
Mama, I'm hungry. All right, darling. all right, Tato. Nune needs nourishment right away. Who wants beef paste? Me me me me me me. Here comes the Auto pass. Nune loves beef paste. it's making my body grow.
Oh, how old did you say your son was? he's in his early to mid-30s All right, you know what? I know I'm a guest here, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say this, hey nune, You're too old to be acting like that, but I'm 56 Not you. Nune the son.
Oh, forget it. come on Susan. we're going home. How do I get down? this? Will you be staying for urchin? Will we be staying for urchin? Tell you what we're gonna pass and if you can just put some towels around that ice chair, that would be fantastic. Well, maybe we'll see each other at the beach and maybe we won't.
Let's go pose. Oh you have a lovely ceiling. What a sexy couple. Yes, I found them very intelligent mother. I I want to go to the beach. Oh wonderful idea, baby boy. Thank you!
Last one to the beach is rotten. |
SaturdayNightLive | donald_trump_stars_in_a_domino_s_ad_snl | Okay, Mr. Trump, uh, Mr. Trump, I just need you to stand on your mark. Okay, we really have to crank this thing out Speedy Gonzales style. because tonight, Melania and I are gonna be photographed semi-nude in a bubble bath for Women's World Magazine. it's great, Mr. Trump.
Now this is gonna be the new tag for the end of your new Domino's commercial. The minute I mention Cheeseburger pizza on The Apprentice, sales went through the roof. I'm talking millions and millions of dollars. personally, I think it's the highest quality pizza of the low quality pizzas.
All right, so let's try shooting this. I'd rather just try shooting this. Fair enough.
And action. when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, say cheese, burger pizza only from Domino's. And Cuts. that was, uh, that was really great, Mr. Trump. Except this time, instead of Domino's, maybe say Domino's, you know, like the game. I'll do that for you, and that way you'll have some choices to futz with later in the tech booth. thanks for that. Okay, so let's just pick it up at, uh, at. say Cheese. and Action. say cheese, burger pizza only from Domino's Like the game. Cut. okay, uh, that was great, except that, uh. that was great. keep rolling, cause I'm gonna wing one now. Right off the cuff, Robin Williams style. And action. Cheese, louise, I'm hungry. Hey, wait, I'm a slice of cheeseburger pizza from Domino's Like the game. Eat Me. do, do, do, do, do, Domino's. The Apprentice. Cut, Cut, just cut. keep it rolling, I'm on a roll. And action.
And knock, knock. Who's there? Cheeseburger pizza? Who? Dominico's, that's who's there.
Well, come on into my belly. Okay, that sounds delicious. it sure does.
And freeze. Yeah, I missed Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump. And Unfreeze.
I think we got it. this commercial's gonna win a slew of Emmys. Yeah, okay, we don't quite have it yet. let's just get this last bit where you say, holy cow, I'm hungry for a cheesy crust pizza. And action. cheese is crust, I'm hungry.
Great, great, I think we're good now. happy? I think we're good.
I really cranked this one out in record time. And as I predicted, it turned out pretty top-notch. Now, I'm off to a promo shoot. But first, I'm gonna get one of those spray-on tans. And Derek Jeter's gonna be there. All right, thanks for the good news. |
SaturdayNightLive | get_to_know_me_saturday_night_live | Hello, I'm John Lovett, and I'm having lunch in the Russian Tea Room with the most beautiful woman in the world, Paulina.
Well, we can't all be me. But if you'd like to fulfill your dreams like I did, then I have one piece of advice for you. Get To Know Me!
When did I tip my tooth? Why do I drain my foot? where is my extra bone?
Get To Know Me! Captacle, Listen to him. Hello, before I got to know John, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I was stuck in a room reading voiceovers I could barely understand. And then I got to know him, and now I get to be on Tv. And today they call me Don Pardo.
Why never wear a hat?
Why was I banned from Bangkok? why do women call me the anchor? you stud. you gorgeous hunk of male flesh. Yes! a little lower and to the left. Get to know me!
Still wondering if you should? Then listen to him.
Before I got to know John, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I couldn't get a job to save my life, And then I got to know him. And today they call me Lee Iacocca. Get to know him, And buy a Chrysler.
It works! I tell you, it works! Get Out, I tell you, Get Out!
Get To Know Me! Why do I speak to me? do I shave my eyebrows in the middle? Get To know Me.
And now, our final testimonial from a man who speaks the truth.
Before I got to know John, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I was a two-bit comic with an arrow stuck through my head. And then, I got to know him.
And now I've just starred in a movie called Parenthood directed by Opie. and today they call me Steve Martin. Thank you. thank you. it's true, I tell you, it's true. play it later. he's a stud. I might do a movie directed by Potsy.
I love Tv! Get to know me! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_funky_kong_on_the_super_mario_bros_movie_snl | The new Mario Brothers movie is a huge hit and many fans were hoping for an appearance from one of the coolest characters in the Mario universe. Funky Kong. So here to talk about it is Funky Kong. How are you doing Funky Kong?
Man, I've been better. I thought I was gonna be all over this movie that just made 500 million dollars 600, but this is how much you get to see. Wow, so you're just in the background? What happened? they only cut me out. I guess funky Kong is too real for them. They don't want to hear what I gots to say and they sure as hell don't want to watch me work. Bring it back. Wow. Really, I'm so sorry that you got cut.
Fuck it. I don't want to be what they won't call it. Fuck it. don't throw no barrels. Fuck it. I don't spend his day cruising in my car, dropping off packages of the sticky ticket, and I spend my nights with a glass of banana rum and a bed full of toads. right? And now our toads. male or female? Fuck it. don't know. Fuck it on ass.
It's really, it's a shame that you're not in the movie because your cousin Donkey Kong is a major character. Oh, yeah, man, Donkey Kong is all up in it, but they ain't even use Monkey Kong. Who's Monkey Kong? he's a donkey. Them Japanese people sure are interesting, you know, they kicked me off the set.
What? Why?
Because I was in my trailer drumming on booty cheeks like bongos in the minigame. I was in there like booty cheeks Titty meat, booty cheeks. great. It's really great. You were originally in the movie. absolutely, man. I had a few choice themes. I was incredible.
I even have the old script right here. Hello. come on. read this here with me Colin. I'll show you what I'm talking about. you'll be Mario and Luigi. I'm gonna be myself.
Paced with sure. Great! All right, Luigi, we got to get to the castle but the fastest way is Rainbow Road. Mario. Rainbow Road will fall off man. ain't no bitches in here.
I can't believe that's the original line. I told you man. Go to Page 36 Man: The scene with me and Peach. Okay. yeah, you and Peach. Okay, Princess Peach. Funky Kong. They're holding our friends prisoner in Wario Stadium. can you help? Why don't you go on and open up that peach and let me see what's inside. Honestly can see why they cut you out.
People would have eaten that up man. you ever had monkey meat? Monkey meat.
No, that's not what your mama said. |
cracked | love_people_watching_season_2_episode_9 | How long have you been trying to rent this place? Oh, a while. Instead of looking around, I just have this cynical and bitter checklist, if that's cool. Go for it.
Bed bugs? Don't even have a bed.
Good water pressure? Get psyched for a life of suspiciously long showers.
Very nice. On a scale of 9 to 10, how loud are the neighbors? Literally all librarians. Statistically unlikely, but quiet. It was in the news once. These are good answers.
Mice? Rats? Fucking snakes? Anything? Not even people.
Perfect. Rent? Five figures a month plus it has weird extra utilities like whale oil and solar wind? Nope. Half the price of across the street and all-inclusive. This place is fucking perfect. So what's the catch then?
Bikers had a hit out on the previous tenant and they still think he lives here? It was once used as a set in a movie starring one of those actors who defends Roman Polanski?
They're building a heavy rail line directly outside the window starting next week. And it'll be seven years of yelling and drills and you'll never sleep again. And then one Sunday morning the construction finally finishes and you part the curtains. And in that brief moment of silence you remember that they were building a heavy rail line. And then the apartment is paint shakred by the 5 a.m. express.
And then your life is trains. Trains instead of days and months. Trains instead of your identity. Everything is trains.
Yeah. Been there.
But no. The catch is that the successful applicant is the one who passes the test. And the test is... sexual? This is the ultimate bachelor apartment and competition is fierce.
So you just have to prove that you're the most alone person and the keys are yours. Well that's fucking easy. I haven't had sex in five years.
I hate everyone. They really hate me and give me the apartment.
Bush league. You can meet someone tomorrow.
I want deep. I want painful. I want long-term man.
I want to know how you're gonna die alone. Seriously, whoever gets this apartment is gonna die of old age in here. Go deeper. You sure you know what you're getting into here?
Indeed I do. Well fuck. Not only am I such a uselessly specific combination of traits to the point where nobody other than myself could possibly relate to me. But even with all that I somehow met someone anyway. And then I still found a way to leave it dead in the water because I'm a fucking battleship where all the guns point inward. And this is my harbor. And here I will spend my remaining years converting myself into a museum ship of frigidity until I'm broken up and sold for parts. Sorry, I was watching the history channel until 5am because that's what you do when you're an undateable mess.
90% of people are undateable. The keys are going away. Goodbye. 90% of people don't die alone though.
Honestly, I'm just too weird to be a match for anyone. Fuck you. I've had settlers of Catan cosplay sex. Twice. And I was the wood. Everyone's weird.
You want this place or not? Imagine a stage and a crowd and one chance to speak. And then tell the world. Okay. Hi the world.
I've tried to be true to myself and I've tried to keep myself in the game until that big break comes. And then that actually happened. And it still went to shit. And I'm normally the biggest optimist but even I have to accept that the universe only extends its hand to you once. And it did. And then it extended the finger and vanished. So I could really use a nice little place to settle in for the long haul here.
Host break up fucking boilerplate. Boo. Get off the stage.
It's true though. As much as there are 7 billion people, we still all have different faces and we're all equally different inside.
And then the one time you actually managed to connect with someone, well the timing was wrong because fuck you. And good luck with your efforts in winning the lottery a second time. Making a sandwich here.
You sort of know when you're not meant to find someone. Love doesn't gravitate to people whose souls are so locked away behind mental problems that only their singing voice is loud enough to escape. Love's a two-way street, not a conjugal visit. Oh half the people on this fucking planet are in one-way marriages.
Not good enough, dammit. Not good enough. I'm bereft of hope though. I suck.
Memory after memory of the door to normalcy swinging open before me only for me to walk right past pretending I didn't see it. Would you like to dance? Oh Doug, I don't know. I'm sorry, I never have before. And then she's already halfway across the room asking someone else.
And with good cause. I'm completely stuck in the past. Who cares? So am I. Fucking scare me. Can I turn this down? Do it.
Look, I only have a few years of hope left until I can only care about abstractions and I disappear into charity work like Dian Fosse into Barinke. And then one day they'll find my withered, grey-haired corpse face down beside the bed. So untouched I'm retroactively declared a virgin despite a youth of such promise. All of it unfulfilled. A virgin of love and courage and of allowing myself to break through the glass wall between me and acceptance, even as it smiles and beckons me over. I have already died alone. But as we can only perceive time in a linear fashion, you'll have to wait for the physical proof. Texts I never replied to because of catastrophically low self-esteem, volume one.
Hi. I don't usually do this. But I really enjoyed talking with you the other night. What are you up to on Friday? That would be Friday two years ago.
You know, I hear people talking about their kids and midnight feedings and first steps and first Christmases and the basic aspects of human existence. And it's like Martians talking about Mars.
I was 21 and she was 19, going on 30. I learned about kindness from her and thoughtfulness and lactose intolerance and how sometimes ice cream is worth it anyway.
We'd sit in her Honda, listening to the same mix CD again and again, soundtrack to the car and to that summer, always ending on her favorite song. Stereophonics covering nothing compares to you, like heartbreak trapped alone in a white room.
She'd whisper about where she planned to go and the kid she wanted to have and I'd say nothing and hope she didn't notice how much I wasn't ready to go with her. After a few months, her dyed hair looked faded and she wasn't doing that thing where she'd clap her hands when she laughed. At 2 a.m. in the parking lot behind the theater, 2,000 miles from here, we sat in her car for the last time and I admitted to both of us that I wasn't ready for what she wanted. Ten years later, I finally value the things in life that she'd already figured out back then and sometimes it feels like better never than late.
Occasionally I'll try Googling her. I see glimpses, that smile and that kindness. She'd give you a ride home across the city no matter what time it was. Nothing compares to her.
Listen to me very carefully. This is a work order from the city. Next Tuesday at 7 a.m. they're sending a pothole crew to pave over my genitals.
Some people just go to waste. You want a dark night of the soul? That's every night until I die of scurvy in this apartment and am skeletonized by drain flies.
So you suck? Yes. You're pathetic. Oh, I am fucked up, lady. You've given up. Oh, I have fucking given up. Because you're incapable of normality. Yeah, that. Because you're incapable of love.
I... no. Wait, what? I don't know that I'd go that far. Oh, come on.
You're a husk. It's over. You have nothing to offer. That's why you're here. No, I never said that. Sure you did. You're incomplete because you fucking can't love. The keys are yours. No, you know what? Fuck you. You think I don't care? That's the entire problem to begin with.
Oh, it is, is it? I said my soul was trapped. Not that it didn't exist. And when I'm on stage, it can make itself known.
Nobody's ever loved anything more than I love that. I get stuck in the past because I've been in love. And I fucking loved it.
You want these or not? I'm not gonna pretend I don't care.
Nobody's ever wanted anything more than I want the things I don't have. And the things I've lost. Sometimes you don't have something because good things are hard to find. I know I'm lucky to be able to look for them.
Go on. You know, when you've been lifted on the shoulders of hundreds of years of ancestors so you can reach the freedoms they never had, then you have to find the right goddamn person and one day you'll look back and you'll say, you can't pick the era you live in, but the one I lived in was fucking awesome. And for the longest time, I was single. But my kids thanked me because I waited for the person who I would never have met unless I'd waited. I just haven't yet.
You think I don't want kids? You think I don't want to risk everything by creating a new life, by creating a person that I can't live without? Because right now, I'm living without them. And if you think I can live with that, you're the fucking empty one. But how can you even manifest love when the world has given you so much pain, asking for a friend? I don't know, but I imagine a stage and an audience and one chance to speak, and my first instinct is to want to prevent that pain in others. Forget about the apartment.
Hi, my name is Jackson, and did you know that both men and women attempt suicide in equal numbers, but it's men that are 80% of victims? I want to tell all guys what makes you special, that the strength and the independence are also what can take your life away. One bad night can be someone else's cry for help, but for you, it can be the moment that ends everything. Please know your own strength and know your own weakness, and when you shouldn't be alone. Everyone has bad nights, but too many are paying the ultimate price for them, with too many left behind.
And don't blame those who have passed on. In fact, the opposite. We don't know things until we know them, and we have to learn and build towards the future where those who are gone live on in an answer to that cry for help. For those who are still here, the way it is now, the way anything is, is not the way it has to be.
Because I love you. If anything, I'm more determined. Sometimes things are worth it despite the pain. Ice cream, human connection, I know that much. You're not incomplete without a relationship. You're incomplete without love.
And I love myself. And I love what I do. And someone else might love that too.
You know why I hate myself? Because I know how much I have to offer and how much I could give to another person and how much I could get in return and how much I deserve it. But I don't have it, and I fucking hate myself for that because I want the best for me. Because I love myself more than I would ever let on. And every time the world disagrees, I love myself even more for not listening. For only pretending I'm right for this horrid apartment. I wish I wasn't capable of love. I would solve a lot of problems. I'm gonna go find somewhere with room for a fucking king-size bed. Because who knows, maybe I don't actually suck.
Hello, uh, I'm here about the apartment? Yup. Ah, this seems perfect. I can't believe it's not taken. Is it just you? Yup, forever alone. I can relate.
How long have you been trying to rent this place? God, it's been years now. Can't seem to convince anyone.
Indeed, that's unfortunate. I don't know, I kind of love it. So, tell me about yourself. |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_the_internet | Think, Sam! Think, God damn it! There's only one thing we can do. You don't mean? Yes, we have to go see him. See who?
Oh, my toe. Oh god, my toe.
It is. That's broken. We're definitely broken. We're coming in. No, no. Do not come in here.
The internet will smite you. Yes, I will smite you all. I will smite you all. You will be. I will smite you.
What the hell? You're the internet? Is that so hard to believe? Am I not intimidating enough for you? Are those tears? You don't get it, man.
I really did hurt my toe. I can't believe we were afraid of you. Well, that's kind of how it has to go, man, because if not, then you're all like, oh, you're too slow. You crushed my laptop.
Your hairline is receding. Why would I care about your hairline? What about my hairline, man? I didn't say anything about your hairline. You just said hairline.
Wait a second. I'm sorry. You're the internet? You look like Drew Carey with AIDS. You will respect me. Guess which finger Google is. Your index finger.
Yeah. Okay. Listen, you know, we actually have to go. We're doing this all-nighter thing, so we should be probably... Oh, yeah? I'll come. That sounds fun, man. Let's rock out. Darn. I actually just got canceled right now, so, you know, forget it. That's cool.
Well, if it's got canceled, you guys don't have plans. I don't have plans.
We could go. Let's go get some food or something. Just like, we don't eat. Okay. Well, invite the internet.
I'll smite you. I will smite you.
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding, guys.
I like you guys. I wouldn't smite you. You guys are actually, like, you're my best friends.
Please. Please take me. Please. Guys? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Jet_20_years_since_Get_Born_was_released | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooda Advocate radio show where we interview some iconic Australians, mostly Australians we have on this show, at least once a week. A lot of you have been listening for many years and we've had a diverse as ever year I suppose you know we've ranged between music and art and sports and politics of course different people every week and you know in Australia in the public eye particularly within music and the arts there's not many stayers is what we've found as long as we've been doing this podcast but today's guest is so much so that they have been immortalized and put the highest on as you can get in the world of rock and roll in Australia. Thank you for joining us Mark Wilson from Jet. Hi thanks for having me, long time scroller first time interviewee. Thank you I'm glad you could see us in the flesh we're not we're not actually AI we've worked long and hard creating a Batooda voice that cannot be emulated by AI. We've since learnt, we've put a few. Yeah and as you're about to learn we're way funnier on the internet than we are behind the microphone. Well now we're kind of fanning a little bit and you know that's not conducive to honest regional news when we start asking all the questions that we wanted to ask this all this 20 years since you guys kind of hit the scene and it was 20 it's 20 years since Get Born. That's correct yeah yeah. Can you tell us a little bit about the I mean now we're looking back at it all you've kind of become a staple in you know Australian music Australian screen as well you know Jet's always been included in you know with television shows or you know just on TV can you tell me leading into the release of Get Born did you think this was going to get away like this was going to be the one? I mean look we knew that we look we knew we had good tunes but at the same time so much of it is luck you know you can have great tunes and have zero luck you know you can be doing the wrong you know the thing that people aren't kind of into at the time or whatever but so you've got to you've got to talk a bit of it up to that lady luck but look we had confidence that it was going to do okay but I think that it went a lot better than any of us could have imagined like you know sold over five million records and it was probably one of the last records before things stopped selling records you know which is you know it was one of the last it was before all of the before YouTube before iTunes I mean our song launched the iPod you know that they used it in the first iPod commercial so you know that's as a touch point in time that's a pretty big turning point in the way people use music you know listen to music yeah there's a bit more than luck involved in becoming global superstars well known all around the world I did want to ask about that iTunes commercial obviously now you know people would jump at the opportunity it's a no-brainer everyone wants to be on commercials like that everyone wants to associate with you know various tech brands etc back then they're breaking through they're doing something fairly different it's not a surefire hit or a surefire winner at that point in time what were the negotiations like and what was your perspective on saying yeah let's have a crack at that look I really remember negotiations we've been like probably 22 year old idiots probably just wanted a free iPod we probably would have been happy for that but for us it was like it was just we saw it as a new front we saw it come as a new frontier of music a new medium which evidently it has become well that kind of streaming sort of side I think but we just thought well it'd be like you know launching you know using your song to launch them like vinyl or something you know it's just it's our it's our it's our new way up even even though that the actual technology itself is sort of superseded but it was definitely at a time it wasn't like they're done thing to put your song in an ad it was kind of the start of all that yeah but we saw it as an exciting kind of like new technology and yeah and I think we were I think we're probably right yeah well it's a before and after the fact that we're doing this today this interview on a podcast that all day the term podcast comes from the iPod which you launched yeah 20 years ago did you get a few nanos out of it or they only give you a shuffle we got we didn't get anything other than a little bit of cash like it wasn't even a lot of cash it was just like it was just going to be it was going to be a global thing so we were we thought well it'll probably it'll be in everyone's it'll be everywhere at once you know yeah so we thought it's better than trying to get on each radio station in each country in each market like we can go across the globe with one one go yeah tell me I want to talk about that like in that era so you guys were like the you know as you said 22 year old I imagine lunatics at that point because it's all happening for you and things are leveling up day by day and you okay now we're touring this now we're doing that and now we're on CSI and now we're you know all these things are happening all at once the probably the old guard at that time so we're talking like the squarely Gen X kind of MTV generation rockers had in their mind particularly in Australia this kind of anti selling out thing and I guess you guys were so young that you could just not buy into their code and you could just as you said you know use a use an iPod commercial in lieu of radio airplay and that'll take you around the world do you think being young actually helped you guys go that big probably yeah I mean I think it would have been nice to have a couple albums under you about a bit of life experience on the about for some things but at the same time like thinking back now like if I was trying to do it now do that because we just I've seen schedules from back then and we pretty much didn't have a day off but like we didn't have more than a week off in two and a half years you know it's terrifying but now as a now as a 42 43 year old I'll be like Jesus Christ I've made a week off after two weeks yeah hangovers last for a couple of days they definitely do where were you guys that where were you guys out at that point in time in your life I'm asking was it a group of single blokes who were actually able to just pack briefcases there weren't kids in the picture there weren't anything like that it was you were able to just know transient human vessels yeah no kids I think only one of us had a steady cam had a girlfriend who's now his wife so they you know they went they went for the long haul but um yeah we were I mean I'd never even been out of Australia man like but when we started you know I grew up in grew up in Geelong and I'd moved to Melbourne when I was 20 and then met the jet dudes a year later and then I was gone you know what was the process meeting those jet guys you said you came out too long they came up up north how did you stumble into them yeah they were from the sort of east south eastern suburbs of Melbourne uh I met him at a pub just like you'd meet anybody at the time they weren't they were just a band another band and we just chatted and we got along and they asked me to try out for the band because they're looking for a bass player and initially I said no I've got my own band you know yeah and then I hung out with them for the night and we got along so well we had so much in common that I was the next day I texted Nick on my Nokia whatever phone it was at the time yeah that's it with snake um I texted Nick and said oh it's you know they'd actually be pretty good to have a try out you know he's like oh cool he's a he sent me or gave me a CD with like 17 songs on he's like I'll learn four or five songs and um I learned them all in a couple of days and sort of changed all the parts and did you know wrote all my own parts and stuff for the songs because I thought if I'm going to be in the band I want sort of to put my own stamp on it so you know big balls when you're 21 you'll probably wouldn't have that but then you know then I was in the band but at that stage you're just doing little pubs in Melbourne and stuff you know it was it was very small time time was there uh I want to ask this now because you're old enough to reveal the Illuminati that's involved and uh you know when young men get picked up like this in in a you know they've all got long hair and they smell of cigarettes and whatever but then eventually someone who's very clean cut in a suit walks in the room um and it's probably 20 30 years older than you when was that moment well it wasn't actually so it was I think one of the first people to see us was a guy called Glenn Dickey who's now based in Sydney but he worked for EMI down here I think he was one of the first to spot us and he and there's a few local people small like a guy who ended up being a lawyer David uh he had a little label and small labels but we were kind of like had a fairly strong ambition to not just sign a little Australian deal and just stay here we wanted to sign a deal with overseas so eventually the overseas label started hearing about us and then one day at a small pub in Melbourne all the industry was all in this one pub watching us play a gig it was pretty stupid oh so the word got around by that point but they came here to see us we made them come here they were like I'll come over to America and do a showcase and we're like nana you come over here and watch us play in our pub that we like playing in how are the negotiations on those first album deals there I noticed you guys have three albums some stories you hear about you know young guys coming through young girls coming through getting locked into some tricky deals where they don't see a lot of coin out of it did you guys have anyone helping you out there or how did you kind of yeah no we did we we had we had good managers and stuff like that and also we were pretty hot so we were getting offered good stuff good deals you know so if someone was offering a crappy deal we just you know we could that's why we said for everyone to come out here to see us because we thought that will be the thing that like if they all come out here then they're keen you know if we have to go to them and they can just show up you know and then go home then we don't know who's keen and who's not so so it all happens at once everything every as you said you know didn't have a week off for two and a half years I introduced this podcast by saying that you've been immortalized and you have been in the you know in the arias hall of fame what do you think was the biggest moment there when we ask a lot of our guests this what was the moment where you're like holy shit this is lifelong now you know the we're not just a flash in the pan we are going to live off this and this is going to define us gee yeah I don't know like I mean it'd be things like winning a vma mtv music award or you know not that the why don't you do it for awards or care about it but it's like a bit of a nod yeah I think like getting asked to close out the year on snl that year their final show play it would be the musical guest was pretty big but for me like the thing that I always remember is when it's also when I knew that it wasn't just like a small thing is when we were playing we only had an ep out at the time we hadn't we'd finished the album but the album didn't come out for six eight months after he actually completed recording it we just do it and do it and do it between and we were playing at a festival in japan fuji rock on like the second stage like a tent big tent and there's a band on before us who we knew from la and they were massive in america and like and there was like six people watching them and we're like we're fucked here like we're gonna these no one's no they don't know these guys they're not gonna know us we've only got an ep out so you know we were a bit like gosh this is gonna be fucking hard work we've come all the way to japan to play like six people anyway we went back to the dressing room and then when we came out on stage there was so many people and they were going so nuts they actually had american military guys there as extra backup for security that they use on the front on on the main stage just as extra people extra muscle and they ended up having to bring them into our front of you know our punter barrier to to help bring all the people over the thing because everyone was going so nuts and we'd always heard that you know crowds in japan were very mellow and polite but that's not the case for us and and at that point i was like holy shit this is this is global this is people in japan who've heard an ep going absolutely mental that they needed to bring in the americans yeah the american soldiers the american soldiers yeah who just got a base down them around the corner exactly yeah and now we've got to ask the questions about the living like was it hard living or are you i mean i'm guessing it must have been to an aspect like to a degree because of how you started you said you went out in the piss with them i'm guessing you realized you got on well enough to send them a text the next day so obviously you've got the pub rock thing going on then you're all similar age you're all alert you're all kind of got a disposable income and you're in that industry where you know the grown-ups expect you to drink a carton of piss at work on a night you know you know in a green room it's when not many industries like that where you're expected to drink you know the the employers the venue owners the tour managers put grog in there you expect you to drink it and then you know you end up doing that what how many nights a week how was it i mean that it's exactly what exactly that like you imagine if anyone was a 22 year old with you know unlimited cash and in a new city every night playing rock and roll like it's exactly what the cliche exactly expect you know we did exactly what you'd expect us to do uh like anyone probably would yeah and we did that for ages and then it just catches one day just catches up with you and you're like i'll like and now when we play it's it's all about the show we'll have a drink before the show and we'll have a drink after the show but it's much more about the show yeah as the important thing and you know what is interesting about that the shows are really heaps better yeah yeah for sure that's what that's the truth for example at the at the arias it was like at the arias this week we played last at the hall of fame at the aria awards and um because we were inductees always get inducted and and then they play and we close the show and um it was like i said to i said to an ima2 x footy player x afl player i was like it was he was like how was it did you did you get drunk and i was like actually it was like brown low night if you're playing in the grand final yeah that at the end of the week like you basically you're sitting there like holding a glass of champagne but you're just not or a soda water you're not drinking it yeah yeah yeah but in the past it wouldn't have gone that way i know that's a very good way of putting it breath it's a brown line night if you're playing in the grand final yeah was that a surreal moment being inducted into the uh hall of fame there or was it just it was another moment obviously that was nice but was it like wow this is pretty you know what it was like i was a bit kind of a bit funny about it like i felt weird it didn't it didn't sit it's sort of just it's just weird to get on it in music for me like i just feel like like it's obviously we're grateful but for me it's not why you do it you know it's not you know and that was a bit of a stress about it you know you've got to play in front of the whole industry but when we played and when we just feeling the love from all the bands and all the music industry at once and sometimes you know we we often would feel like maybe a bit ostracized from the australian music industry because we we tended to go overseas and and look for opportunities rather than just sticking here and doing the grind here we'd be doing it in america or the europe or us i mean or uk or whatever so to feel that you just feel the love and the excitement and everyone just knows the tunes because they're all they're part of the dna now within australian music because our first few records are some of the biggest selling rock records of all time here yeah for sure i want to talk about that how did you maintain the dna of you know get born into shine on you know you got a couple years in between each of them right yeah a lot happened in between those two albums too so shine on's a bit of a darker vibe because in that period between the two albums nick and chris's dad died of cancer while we were on the road um so it was very dark it was a bit more of a sort of darker feeling around that record and it was a bit more of a grind to get it done and also the sophomore album as everybody knows is fucking pain in the ass because all of a sudden it's your job it's scary um yeah it's terrifying what are the feelings and and and and when was the pressure valve because obviously you come through again three years after that i think the pressure is on you you put it on yourself but it's like you're feeling like i feel like you'd handle it better now is this sort of someone who's seen the world and you know gone through a lot of things but at the time you're 25 26 and you're like holy shit we've got all this these big companies are invested in us now and all these people who you know put their jobs on the line and yeah and stuff like that and now we've got a we've got to make art for commerce sake rather than just just making a record that we wanted to make that we just made in the shed you know we wrote in a shed yeah and there's there's no like you come to us and see us in our pub you know you kind of don't have those bargaining chips anymore now what do you think was the one in in the second album that kind of broke through that you know gave you the um pressure release i think the thing with that record it came out in a time when after that that record came out after all of the streaming stuff had started and the nap star and and people had started buying less records so i think we were holding it up to perform exactly the same or better as the first record but without sort of realizing that that industry had changed a lot in that period and we probably hadn't sort of kept up because they're so busy so you know there was youtube there's all the things that we have now it sort of started in between those two albums but in saying that it still like performed almost as well as the first one but it i think the songs on that would bring it bring it on back was pretty big here especially in australia and the uk we had put your money where your mouth is it did really well in america but um yeah well there's another song called rip it up which is another one that was released here rip it up rip it up went off you do some funny things too you guys i mean your your old rock stars and you know shaka rock included a cover of never tear us apart did it yeah not on in in your pre-order yeah oh it must have been like a special it must have been like a live recording or something i don't even know you know what it's probably one of those things of the labels like oh we need uh we need an extra couple of songs because japan always wanted a couple extra songs on their releases and then you need like oh we've got pre-order you know release where you can get an extra song so we've probably just dug something out of the fucking bin and we just had and we just had sitting there and added it because you know it's hard to once you're on the road getting back into the studio and recording another song it's pretty yeah pretty hard to find time for so you know but it'll probably be a live version or something yeah yeah i want to talk about that when you when you kind of you're in a position where you've got all these people invested in you you're making your music you're on tour the tickets have sold and i've actually been in a green room before and got to see that like kind of almost moment of freedom that a band has when they have a piece of paper and all the band rallies around and they kind of you know figure out uh what they're going to play tonight you know they put yeah you know it's depending on what kind of band you are people do that on the night yeah and when you're in that position to do whatever the fuck you want have you ever done anything i mean never tear us apart is is a good one to hit them with can you remember doing something like that there was just a complete curveball for this audience or maybe uh played something for them yeah yeah i think we did i remember in boston once we were playing um at this venue theater over the road from fenway park and we we learned that sort of 60s garage song called dirty water and they all stay all sing at the stadium and it like we learned that and we played it and it went down like it was like they were going to tear the house down and then we played it and we played it first so it was kind of a mistake because we were like i will go we'll probably butcher it but it's like yeah it's this famous song by a by a band from boston from the 60s i can't remember it was like a real yeah real garage event song and it's one of the songs that they play at fenway park all the time yeah which i think we may have we knew the song but i think we may have got in insight into it from like a local promoter or something you know like uh yeah and things like that doing things like that where you play a song for a town is that was always pretty fun even if you fuck it up or butcher it like they didn't care yeah they'd appreciate it it's pretty hard to butcher a garage rock song they're pretty you know janky and easy to play but i remember that just like the whole i think what happened was at the time we came through boston before we played it as like a walk on music and they went nuts so i think we thought oh next time we'll play the song yeah yeah gonna treat them to it i wanted to ask you guys obviously global superstars in kind of a rare air for australian musical acts you would have been around and performed with or in front of all sorts of different people you know jay-z beyonce etc musicians everywhere did you have any random pinch yourself moments where someone you kind of never would have expected or someone you idolized you know turned up wanting to be backstage at a show or wanted to meet you in a certain place that you were in yeah i mean look we got asked to tour the stones or like they liked us so they asked us to go on the road with them a lot in europe and and it was pretty it was pretty crazy so i'd be like you'd be doing european summer festivals on thursday friday sat day and then the stones would have us out on their tour on tuesday wednesday thursday you know so you'd be kind of like splitting your time between doing your own festivals one or two countries and then you'd meet them in portugal or something and do some shows with them and then you go back out and go to a point where we were so comfy with this we're having dinner with them every night and then in the catering area it wasn't like separated or anything they'd be like if you're on your own they'd be like ronnie and be like come sit over here with us hey ronnie and when we had a day off or a night off in town they would get an invite from because all their our prefaces all their security guys at the time i don't know if it's still the case but all they're like the guys that like live in security with mckinkey they were all they were aussies yeah right so i think they they liked us because we were like you know aussies and and they knew us and we i think instantly it got and if you're in with those guys you're in yeah they're kind of the gatekeepers yeah so like the guy like there was a dude there who was like ex special forces australian guy who would stand at the front of the show and basically wherever mick went he'd go with his eye in the audience and he'd wear he wore like kevlar gloves so he could stop knives and shit like that it was pretty though they were big boys i think they were big like ex rugby guys or something that sort of vibe though they were big boys though but that was treated us really well so we'd get invited to all the special events you know like you know on a rooftop in madrid they've got the best flamenco guitarists and dancers in spain yeah and then they put on a party they're having a party the stones are putting on it and we'd always get invited to those funny things like that so we have to actually behave after everything it's like we've i know we've created this this world where we don't have to behave but for whatever reason in front of these people that probably taught us how to not behave we have to behave yeah oh you get a kevlar glove on your shoulder and walk down exactly exactly that's a funny one i um i was also wondering i've been seeing a bit recently on particularly tiktok you start seeing clips surfacing every now and then of kind of famous riffs or beats or whatever in the behind the scenes of that moment where it's found you know and you can see a timberland going like holy shit this is it for you guys do you remember the moment where you found that riff for are you going to be my girl i can't even remember that long ago i remember when we made it in the studio thinking i wonder if this song's a single or not who knows you know like yeah because sometimes when it's your song you just you treat them all kind of the same you might go like that song's really good but it's almost other people who have a better sense of that kind of thing than you yeah i find like you can think what you think is the right one but like often someone with a little bit different perspective will be able to shine a better light on it than you but yeah i guess everyone probably thought it was that was going to be the first big one but i guess when i was recording it in the studio i just yeah don't it's a bit of that sort of stuff's a bit of a blur to be honest yeah you don't really remember how it started it's so long ago yeah tell me um about what really would have been i guess as an apex for you guys was wave aid right was this like you guys were at your very at your height did jet play there or was it just the that one-off uh rights tribute band that was just the right so we did you know the one we did was the um the bush the one they did for the bushfires i had at the mcg and they had it at the scg and we did both we did the mcg one and then we got on a plane and flew up to sydney did it did the uh scg and the other thing we did was um remember they did live live eight yeah yeah well we did that which was pretty great and that was we did that we did the canadian one of that and we actually got up neil young asked us to jump up and sing with him on a particular on a song which was pretty wild yeah that's a pitch yourself yeah yeah and i was wearing fucking white pants when i got up there with neil young we just so felt totally inappropriate with neil young it's like i just remember remember going like fuck four motherfucking white pants and that's like neil young is not a white pants artist no no no not at all yeah he's a he's an old man denim and flannel yes so you guys did on paper disband as you said the other night brown lows it was your brown lows you see your grandfather playing the grand final yeah but you do you guys tour and stuff and then what's the current working relationship we do yeah we've sort of just decided to start like we actually decided earlier in the year that we were going to start working together again and and figuring out how that will look and how we'll do it and how we'll work it with families and whatnot and we just did a tour of australia just before the auras but we did one of those ones where we just played like if anything more and forum and stuff like that that we could sell out like in 20 minutes without even and really advertising so it was like one of those ones where my friends didn't know i did it to it because we when you sell them out that fast you don't waste any money on advertising them you know yeah but you know that was just to get a sense of what we had what we could still do here and how long it takes to sell tickets just to get a sense of what we can sort of aim for in the future but now we've got we've got stuff we'll be announcing some we just announced the show in darwin for bass in the grass festival which will be unreal it's a great festival if you can avoid the giant fucking bugs oh yeah they fly into your face in slow motion in the lights and just go right on your face really slow but you can't you can't squat them away squat them away because you're busy playing um i love that but that's a memory you have oh mate yeah and i might have to go up to that one earlier because i just saw my football club's going to be playing up there two days before so i might have to go up earlier and watch them play at tio and we've got another bunch of shows we're going to announce probably soon i don't know the exact date but we can't say anything i can't say it yet because i think it's still embargoed yeah right but it's just a yeah big sort of tour again so you kind of i guess 20 years since get born and you're and you're now doing aria hall of fame and you're getting the ball rolling again and it's also 10 years since you you know it was at 2012 the you guys kind of yeah yeah well so we disbanded then we kind of got back together in 2015 or earlier we we got asked by springsteen to go on tour with him so we were like it was gidinsky and springsteen two people you probably don't two two people you can't really say no to you know um so we did we did that and then we kind of we enjoyed that so we sort of we did we did a tour of japan not long after and then we did fuji rock again and we did uh like another australia a bigger australian tour about five years ago but we kind of just done little bits and pieces and a european thing but it was more like i will just do stuff when it pops up and it sounds like fun yeah like a lifestyle band rather than like a touring thing but i think over the past year we've decided well you know we maybe would be good idea to start playing again we're enjoying it um write new stuff yeah because it's been ages since we've written this stuff so i want to ask what do you do with this when it ends the music stops 2012 you can't as you said 2015 you get back together you you're a bit more of a lifestyle band but what are you guys all doing outside of that well i do all kinds of shit i have another band with a bunch of australian other australian musicians with kram from spider bait darren from powder finger and davy from umi and we called arc and we do basically every year we will do a we're doing led zeppelin 4 this year for example which is like we but we go out and we meticulously recreate an album that we love and we do it we do a big tour tend to play all over the country with capital cities and capital cities and regional mostly we play we tend to play a lot of shows in queensland it seems to go down well up we're doing tawumba and maribor and tweed heads which is technically on the edge right yeah and colounder in brisbane so we spend most of the time in in queensland well they've got those big sprawling pub venues don't they though we do but this shows we do which show we do in sort of big theatres so all right you know yeah like qpac or something like that in brisbane so it's a big it's a big show it's a big grand kind of fucking opulent show that we have crazy lights and and we did dark side of the moon by king cloyde last year and then we did neil young's harvest the year before that so we just pick an album we love it's kind of a classic and then we just try and emulate it almost like a um recital yeah so it keeps me busy and then i do a bit of tour managing and stuff as well in between mostly comics i just finished with tim minchin yesterday i did right and you know i look after rob brighton when he comes out here and um so you know all the tricks now yeah yeah yeah well it's you know it's basically you just get paid to hang out with a funny person yeah yeah yeah what uh medium priced hotels in australia have the best mattresses uh ridges bowen hills yes everyone says everyone says ridges bowen hills near the show ground yeah it's it's it's true though it's like it's like 250 200 a night or 180 a night but the beds are fucking great yeah yeah the beds are so good get this you know linda bull she's from vicar and linda sings with um paul kelly and inner artists in their own right because uh linda was on tour with us doing some singing vocals for us and she loved the bed there so much she bought one she contacted the hotel she contacted the hotel and she bought she she bought a bed there she paid for it and then they shifted to a house i'm not joking we learn about we learn about it from um when we did a national like we did a tour a stage tour and uh we we learned every like you know three or four people we met along the way with all your first tour work first two you stay in the ridges and bowen hills you stay in the ridges and we're like yeah we are actually and the yeah we learned that from the roadie yogi yeah there's something in the springs it's true it's like i can't believe you've heard that before because for me it's it's not even it's like just a pretty basic hotel and it's in an okay spot but the it's just good i just like it it's just something about it when you do it yeah it's not fancy or it's not if it's not like where i you know go for a fancy weekend for sure but you know when you tour that much i guess as well you know and you're past those days it's like we are talking beds now you know we're not talking about talking beds we're not talking proximity to the valley anymore we're talking how am i going to sleep we're talking feather count and yeah well mate um here's to getting back on the road with the boys thank you and thanks for talking to me congratulations on um you know all the accolades your honours as we said before um but it's time for you to perform in front of fans not industry suits thank you very much i know i'm going to say one of my one of the things a particular thing that i sent people endlessly and have done for years it's my favorite thing you've ever put up it's like there's there's no love greater than a man and a dog a dad and a dog he said he didn't want every and every time every time a friend gets a shit little dog i send them that thing and every day and every time they buy that dog they're in love like two years later they're just like pictures of them cuddling it and stuff it's like it's such a beautiful process you know it starts off with being a stupid mongrel rat thing and they're not interested and then all of a sudden the weeks go by and they're just you know out in the backyard without having a bit of fun once they've once they've reluctantly fenced the entire backyard yeah yeah a friend of mine just bought a papi on for his daughters and i was like oh he got the he got this screenshot that i have saved in my phone well there's another layer to that too they say that a lot as well about the dad it's a much more compromised position but the dad with the uh unplanned pregnancy in the household like the daughter like the unwanted grandfather they they then become that too yeah yeah it's true well thanks mate and uh all the best um thank you thanks for having me 20 years since get born and uh jet are back on the road thank you mark thanks mark |
cracked | the_news_on_cracked_july_14th_edition | Hi guys, I really want to write for the onion. Shh. Don't tell anybody unless it's like the onion editor Tell him this is crack presents Mike really wants to write for the onion copyright crack 2013 Amidst the wreckage of Hurricane Sandy a decade old message in a bottle sent by a dead team was recovered and Returned to her grieving mother the touching note read be excellent to yourself dude and served as a heartwarming reminder to all in the community That though God may kill your children and send hurricanes to destroy your home villain Ted's excellent adventure is on cable a lot and Who do you think made that happen? So? Show some gratitude people in one hidden not that great cooking pond news Paula Dean is Yes She yes I'm hearing she's still racist the embattled TV show host and model for mrs. White from clue in a game where mrs. White definitely did it has been in hot water since she stopped merely killing us all with horrible cooking advice and expressed a particular distaste for black people Get it hot water That was it. That was the one Paula Dean tall and lean has reportedly been switching up her entire PR strategy Butting heads with and ultimately firing both her manager and her legal team Replacing them with the same lawyer who represented Conan O'Brien against NBC fitting as both hosts long to return to an earlier time Paula's just aiming for like pre-civil war era a Comic book about Paula's life is slated for release in October and in fact has already been optioned for a film I believe we have a clip of that She's a big fat monster One of Dean's only defenders has been noted horror novelist and rice who apparently just can't help but love things that suck That's a stupid joke NSA leak Edward Snowden has said he's seeking asylum in Moscow Snowden plans to stay in Russia until such a time as he can arrange safe travel to South America when asked why their office even has Detailed personal travel plans of a private citizen the NSA Refused to meet with me and I suspect. Hey, who are you get away from me? In news, I only partially understand news Apparently the US is eagerly awaiting a Morrissey release Which if I'm not mistaken marks the first time since 1988 Viva hate TmZ recently released a video of teen Sensation Justin Bieber spraying down a poster of Bill Clinton with cleaning fluid and yelling fuck Bill Clinton Sorry, ma'am at a local New York nightclub Bieber was later allowed to call and apologize to the former president who reportedly said If that's the worst thing you ever do then all is well, so Kid peas in a motte bucket gets super drunk says fuck a public figure Then gets to chat on the phone with that public figure earth for the wreckers fuck weird Al Yankovic Not content with using Kickstarter to get his audience to pre-pay for his next film Zach Braff has also begun co-opting his fans emotional life milestones by proposing to a woman on her boyfriend's behalf And he only tried to fuck her like a couple times.
Whoa Janice Looking hot. I just scored that Matt.
She's a babe If you like it then you should have put a ring on it A pregnant woman who was struck by lightning on the 4th of July has nicknamed her baby flash Gordon and says she hopes he grows up to run fast or save the universe Oh, I'm sorry was living through a lightning strike as an unborn fetus. Not good enough for you mom Fearing potential copyright suits the patriotic Electricity themed baby superhero may also go by the name shock and awe Think about it. A lot of levels works on all the three levels. It's a baby shock and awe is the patriotic term Shot electricity. That's the give me that's the easy one to determine the child's superhero potential.
We sent a reporter to the scene No No, I wasn't a superhero. I Think I proven that Hey guys, thanks for stopping by I just want to talk to you about a pretty serious thing This is crack you later stuff. I've been seeing in the comments leaks in me and that's like pretty 2012 So we're gonna go forward in 2013 with the new slogan crack you doing so faster stop buying subscribe Crap you doing |
dropout | your_girlfriend_s_six_friends | This is you. This is your girlfriend. And these are your girlfriend's six friends. Nobody loves your girlfriend more than you.
Almost. Megan? No. Call her out. She seems to have issues with boundaries. You didn't answer your phone. Except one, that is. Sorry.
Girl's night. Come on, girl.
Your boyfriend gets you all to himself. He's not even fun or rich or anything. A man can only take so much. You're a crazy friendship pirate. Too much? You know he's gay, but come on. There's a lot of potential here. He acts like he knows everything.
Just because he's gay doesn't mean, hey, these pants actually look pretty good. You look so great! Honey, look at you! Yeah, you like this guy. But not in a gay way.
There's your girl. Your soulmate. The only woman you'll ever- Hey, have you met Amanda? I mean, more words. Amanda, my friend Carla is here. Why can't your girlfriend have uglier friends? And then she said, you're the bitch.
What? Do you have a crush on Amanda? Okay, think Kennedy, Clinton, that other less popular Kennedy. I believe that both my girlfriend and her friend are equally hot. There is nothing wrong with that. What?
No, she's attractive. In a slutty way.
I love you. I wish you were friends with more homeless people. According to her, they've been BFFs for FCs. Inside jokes don't help. This whole friendship thing drives you crazy. You feel like the guy from a beautiful mind. Maybe this is okay. There are different types of love, right? Sure, they're friends, but they'll never have the raw physical attraction that you two- Okay, that's enough. She'll do anything for attention. Hey! Do you guys think there's needles in here? You think she enjoys breakups more than actual relationships.
Mark broke up with me. I will never be as happy as you guys. Excuse me.
She has a compulsive need to share her every thought and emotion. I just took the most humongous crap.
It's possible you can use this. Are you on Twitter? No. I gotta show you this. You're gonna love this. So you just type-type in. Okay.
Guys, guys! A garbage tweet!
You love your girlfriend. Not just because she's smart and funny, and because she knows what a beaglepuss is, but because she's your friend. And like any good friend, you'd do anything for her, including putting up with all her other friends. After all, she puts up with yours.
Hey man, did I get a ride home? I just shit my pants. Thanks for watching! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_70_john_marsden | Errol and I like to envision ourselves as writers of some sort, more reporters I suppose. I guess, how would you say, in Australian literature there are a couple household names. There are, and they're all in the foyer of the Pan Macmillan publishing offers there, down there in Sydney. You'd very find a name like today's guest where it can be recited to you by a child or an adult, a teenager, just such a varying net he has cast with his readership over the years.
Certainly not talking about Tim the Ponytail are we? No, we're definitely not. We're not talking about small town WA.
We're talking about John Marsden, a universal Australian, as I mentioned earlier, has spoken to almost generations of young adult fiction readers in Australia. You back in. You're back writing.
Yeah, I can't stop myself, and I am a fan of Tim the Ponytail. I'd just like to say I really admire what he does. We write about Tim Winton quite a lot actually, but it is amazing when you read Tim Winton's books how you automatically feel like you understand Western Australia so well. That's a lot of people's only experience of Western Australia. That's an incredible skill that he brings to it.
That one where they end up with the plane crashing in the remote harbor somewhere and someone's drowning in the plane and by complete chance and one in a million coincidence, the person's ex-partner happens to be scuba diving in that same place and rescues them. People hated that ending, but I thought it was hilarious.
Now John Marsden, how many years have you been in the game now, writing? About 30. 30. You started, you were a teacher for many years.
Yeah, still am. Still am? But you were teaching in Geelong Grammar, and you just pulled the pin one day and said you were going to get into it and get stuck in? Not really.
I had six books published before I left Geelong Grammar. But I wanted to just make sure I could make a living as an author. So I took a term off on long service leave, actually, and got a lot of gigs doing workshops around the place, and they turned out to be much better paid than staying as a teacher, so I thought, hello, this is all right. So I quit teaching and went on the road, but then went back to teaching eventually. Now you saw a kind of return to reading in your time as a published author.
Yeah. We can always talk about how Harry Potter changed the game for young kids. Yeah. But he had a similar effect.
There's a lot of, you were in the curriculum, there were a lot of kids who read Tomorrow When the War Began series, front to back. Yeah, and I got those kind of heady moments where I had people queuing up at bookshops to get the next copy when it was released at 9am or whatever, and just a little touch of Harry Potter about that, I mean, they weren't queuing around the block at midnight, but they were keen enough to get there and be on the doorstep when the shop opened. So yeah, I loved it and it was incredibly exhilarating because books meant so much to me as a kid. I mean, I read my way, that's how I survived living in Devonport, Tasmania, where I grew up and it was pretty tough in some ways. So books were my kind of lifeline and I lived in a world of fiction a lot of the time. To know that I've had some sort of impact like that on other readers is quite exhilarating. So what were you teaching when you were writing the Tomorrow books? Because you wrote them year after year, you know, it's almost like a... Yeah, I quit teaching by that point, yeah. I wrote the first one in a kind of frenzy, it was very intense, it went for only a few months, but I was just living, breathing and eating tomorrow when the war began. And I remember a neighbour who lived about two k's away, dropped in, really great bloke and he came to the front door and I was like, oh shit, I'm in the last chapter, I'm in the middle of the last chapter of the book. And after about two minutes of awkward conversation, I said to him, look, you know, Al, I really hate to say this, but I just can't leave this book.
I'm on a roll here, buddy. Yeah, he was great. He said, that's fine. And he was out the door in 30 seconds. And I've always been grateful to him for that because I didn't want to lose that momentum. Yeah.
Everyone knows about writer's block. People who don't know about writing, even people who don't know or don't write know about writer's block.
There's the opposite. Do you very much feel that? Have you found that? I've had both, yeah. You hit your straps. You can feel that too?
Yeah, I had writer's block until I was about 28. No older than that, actually. I was teaching at Timber Top in the mid 80s, so I was about 35.
And the Women's Weekly came to do a story on the school and there was a photographer and a journalist. And the next day, after they'd gone, the kids told me how they'd showed the photographer an article I'd written in the school magazine the year before.
And I don't know why they showed it to him, but apparently he read it and according to them, he said, this bloke's in the wrong job. He should be writing. And that was just the catalyst. I just thought, well, I've always wanted to be a writer.
Why the hell haven't I been able to do it? What's stopping me?
And I did kind of unpack the way I was writing and I thought, okay, I'm going to change everything about the way I approach it. And that was what unleashed the kind of flow of words. So what I did was to stop editing as I wrote, instead of scrutinizing every sentence and trying to make sure every sentence was perfect before I went on to the next one, I just wrote the whole damn book without looking back once. And then did the editing after it finished.
Is that how you kind of get into the groove as you're writing? Like, do you just aim to just, like, I know that Stephen King has a rule where he says, you know, he tries to write 2000 words a day. And he does that religiously where Hemingway had one sort of thing that he did where he used to write first thing in the morning and he used to write standing up at his dresser. Yeah, I've heard that. Is there anything that you do to really get yourself into the zone of writing like that? I do have a, funnily enough, 2000 words a day is my target too. I didn't know that about Stephen King and I try to achieve that. But that can take many hours or it can happen quite quickly depending on the mood I'm in and what distractions there are and all the usual variables. But some people plot the book out before they start. I've never done that.
What I do need is the voice of the protagonist, the main character. And if I've got that, I'm pretty confident that I'll finish the book sooner or later. So if I can't get the voice, and sometimes I'll have false starts where I think I've captured a voice and I write a page or two or 10 or 20 and I read it back and I think, no, no, it's not right, or I just know it's not right. And then I might throw it away or I might just put it away and revisit it sometime later. But generally, if I've got the voice and the voice rings true for me, I know I'll finish the book even though I don't know what's going to happen for most of it.
Now, one voice you created and platformed around the world was, of course, Ellie Linton from Tomorrow When the War Began. There was something about that, and we've experienced it ourselves in our writing, where you can find a universal theme. Australia, as much as people like to say, it is a monoculture. There's a lot of things that translate in every town. And the town that Tomorrow When the War Began was based in could have been in Victoria, could have been in WA, could have been Queensland, could have been New South Wales. Or it could have been in the middle of America.
Yeah. Yeah, OK, yeah, good. Or in Europort.
How did you, can you remember what town you remember when you were writing that? It's an amalgam of a few different towns. There's a bit of Ye in Victoria, a bit of Davenport, a bit of Mansfield and Merrigig in Victoria again. So mostly Victorian influenced. But like you say, all those towns do have some things in common.
There's always a showground. There's always a pub. There's always a cemetery. There's always a Chinese kid, Lee.
You know what I mean? That's right. There's very much is. Yeah, and there's almost always a bridge. Yeah.
And when I was a kid, there was always a railway hotel. And there was always a cafe run by Greek or Italian people, where you could get these lavish breakfasts of steak, sausages, eggs, bacon, and a few other things on one huge plate.
There's always a sign saying Racecourse Road. And then underneath, there's another sign saying Two Racecourse, or Showground Road, Two to Showground.
And it's like, every time I see those, I kind of laugh. Then, yeah, I'm back home. I did want to capture that universality.
But I also wanted to write about farm people. Because when I was a kid, so many Australian novels for young people were based around rural life. And then that all seemed to disappear quite quickly. And all the books became urbanized. And I wanted to go back to that sort of rural landscape and write about the life of farm people.
Because there's lots of them out there. But that's not the real point. The real reason is to just kind of, I don't know, reinforce something about Australia that we like to believe, but don't seem to practice. We like to think that we're this iconoclastic, rustic kind of country, where we're all wearing a Kubera's and Dreyer's bones and galloping around the paddock, mustering the cattle. But the truth is that most Australians have never been outside the city limits. So I wanted to just bring that world back into focus and make people aware that there is a real world out there. And it's inhabited by real people.
And you also gave a voice to the townie kids. There's a lot of kids. You hear about the kids in rural scenarios. But they're usually on the property. And of course, that was Ellie. But the rest of the crew were townies, local kids that live in town. Parents work in town.
And that is a pretty universal aspect to the whole. Where are we? Yeah, that's it. Where are we was the town. You're right.
I mean, there's something kind of romantic and glamorous about the idea of galloping along on your horse and rounding up the cattle. But again, the reality is very different. There are people in the town who have to service the farms, but also run things like the libraries and the delis and the hairdressers and so on. And that life on the farm, it has its glamorous moments, for sure. But it also has some sordid moments and some ugly moments and some heartbreaking moments and some incredibly boring moments, especially if you're a crop farmer. A lot of that's bloody boring just sitting on that.
Oh, now the tractors are automated. They're driving them from the skies. It's even more boring. You've just got to keep an eye on a computer screen. Is that what they're doing? It's remote control. Yeah, the tech's really growing, in crop farming, anyway. It's always going to be the same when you're pushing cattle, I think. Yeah, although the helicopters are changing it a fair bit in some areas.
So we spoke briefly, start about the effect that Harry Potter had on young readers around the world and indeed Australia. One thing that really kicked that stone down the path was the fact that they were all turned into movies. And of course, your first book was turned into a movie. What was that process like?
How much of a say would you have in it as the owner of the story? Well, very little, because that's what I chose. And it was kind of implicit from dealing with the people making the movie that that's sort of what they wanted, I think. They sent me the script, and then they said, you know, read it, and then we'll have a meeting. And I went through the script, and I made little notations everywhere, and we sat down, and we started the meeting. And I said, you know, on the first page, line 17, I think that the word don't needs to be replaced by the word can't, or something. They said we're dealing with a writer here. Oh, God, yeah. By about the fourth time I did it, we were on page two, and I could see them looking at each other, and I thought, maybe this isn't quite what they're looking for.
So I just closed my script and said, actually, why don't you guys just go ahead and make the movie? Because I don't know anything about movies, really. I don't know the language or the techniques and all the technological stuff. There's, of course, the other great author from Pan Mac, the great Matthew Riley, who has spent a long time trying to get one of his fantastic great books be turned into a movie on the silver screen. What advice would you have to Matthew to really? I don't get it, because he set out to write scripts, and then decided, well, that's not working, so I write a novel, and then someone will make that into a movie.
And here he is writing these thrillers that are absolutely. Absolute banger after banger after banger. High octane adventures. He's invented a new genre, pretty much, because there's so much action. I've continually done the misjustice of being left in the form of printing. I think he did create a new genre, because you've seen it in Mad Max Fury Road, and then, of course, the most recent of the new wave of Star Wars.
That was the Matthew Riley model, where no one goes to the toilet. No one sleeps. Like, from start to finish, we are running. No one takes the time to reload a magazine. Everyone just goes bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. It's just balls to the wall.
I was watching, what's that movie where a guy escapes from prison by digging the hole behind the Require Walsh poster? The Shawshank Redemption. Yeah, I watched that again the other night with the kids.
And one of the things that bothers me about those movies is that everyone's so clean. So there they are with this prison full of hardcore convicts who are all doing 30, 40 years or life, and they're all spotlessly clean. They've all been scrubbed, and they've come straight from makeup.
And that's just like, jeez, it's so unreal. Well, that was another Stephen King short story that got turned into a big screen adaptation. Oh, was it? He's had hundreds. Let's not forget, Tina was the best. Because I think after he made all of his money from turning The Shining into a very good movie, and Carrie, and all of those ones, I think he sells his movie options for a dollar. So people can be like, yeah, this is a good story. I'll just turn it into a movie because it's a cheap script. Because Stand By Me was a short story. It was. It's from the same book actually called Different Seasons, which was a collection of four novellas, which got turned into Stand By Me, Apt Pupil. There's another one in there called The Breathing Method, and then The Shawshank Redemption.
Because another thing that's wrong with Hollywood is that the cast of all the movies is still predominantly white, and Anglo. And I just can't understand how they still haven't grasped the idea.
The fact that they've got boxing movies coming out, I always remember Southpaw with Jake Gyllenhaal, as like the heavyweight boxer of the world. He's from a New York orphanage, and he looks like Jake Gyllenhaal, I don't know. And his partner, what was her name? She played Regina George in Mean Girls. Anyway, she wasn't, it wasn't very orphanage vibes.
And the third thing that's wrong, if I can just add one more, is that they solve every problem with a bullet. And one of your challenges as a writer is to solve problems, but to do it in a way that has got a bit of freshness, a bit of energy, a bit of life, even a bit of imagination and creativity about it. And so solving things with a bullet is the laziest thing a writer can do. And yet that's what they go to every time. Rambo, I think, yeah, Rambo's, 90% of the last Rambo every single person was shot directly between the eyes.
They didn't put that on it. Yeah, no. Well, then that's what you watched alone for, I suppose. But now we're just back, someone like Matthew Riley's an example, an interesting example, because he has no problem writing nations as the enemy and you know, South Africans, whether it's the South Africans or the North Koreans or the Russians. Or the Chinese. Or the Chinese, they don't do that much these days, but you kept it very vague. Yeah, that was deliberate. And that was a really interesting thing for everyone, because everyone would have had a different idea who the enemies were. When you started writing, it was kind of off the back of the Cold War. So Russian could have been a thing, but you never said what language, whether it was Latin-based or it was Asian. The war was only down for four years, you know, when the first book came out, wasn't it? I didn't like, yeah, I can't remember the chronology, but that's probably right, yeah.
I think it's because this is a bit wanky, but I do like to write books that work on a number of levels. Not always, I mean, The Great Gattonby was just nothing but far jerks basically, but most of them I try to make them books where I'm exploring stuff at a deeper level as well as telling a story. And I didn't want people distracted from the multi-layered levels of the book by getting obsessive about a particular country or turning it into a racist or xenophobic kind of thing.
What I was really interested in was showing what would happen with modern teenagers when they're put in the same sort of highly stressful, incredibly challenging life and death scenarios as people were in 1939 and 1914. And there was an attitude that today's teenagers would just crawl under the bed and cry for their mummies and I didn't think that was likely. I thought that they would actually show more grit and more courage and more creativity than people expected. So yeah, there was one of the layers of the book was to try to show teenagers in a different light.
How did the parents of your readers react to, I mean obviously it's always positive if your kid's reading a book, but if your kid's reading a book about homemade explosives and potato guns and just using firearms to shoot people in general, would you have to give any kind of, any cotton wool parents or helicopter, black horse? Not too much, although just in the last couple of months I've been made aware of the situation in a province of Canada, which ironically is called Alabama. And I say ironically because they've had a meeting of the school board to discuss whether Tomorrow When the War Began should be banned at their school because Ellie has some thoughts about sex at some point. I can't remember whether she has a bit of a fantasy or just some sort of feelings about it. Anyway, so the school board voted by four to three to allow the book to stay on the curriculum. Just by the skin of its teeth. Yeah, Tomorrow When the War Began is still acceptable in Alabama, Canada, which is a great relief.
You've had your book translated into a lot of languages. A lot of European ones. I mean, what was it? You've got all around the world, Danish. Yeah, China, Japan.
What has been the response? Does everyone feel it? Does everyone understand it? Or is there?
Yeah, they seem to. Like I get plenty of letters. It's not looked as like Ozploitation. It's not viewed as an Australian story. No, I've never had that. I've just, I've get lots of letters from people in other countries, mainly USA. No, they just get caught up in the plot and the characters. They like reading about Australia and they like the fact that there's this kind of vast inland area where people can go camping and at the age of 16 or whatever, you can drive the Land Rover up into the mountains.
Again, like you said before, there are universal sort of ideas or themes in the book and they seem to connect with that more than anything else, which is what you'd hope for. Well, there's lots of writers out there now that just write the one story. They initially have success with one book and then they just keep writing the same book over and over again. You have had obviously this very successful run of books in the Tomorrow series. You've also written dozens of other books. How did you find the time and how do you put the Tomorrow sort of series on a shelf and then write something completely different?
I don't know. I'm easily bored. That's part of it.
But it's the same with my reading. I'll go from reading Ernest Hemingway to reading some novel for 14 year olds to Winnie the Pooh back to Helen Garner. So I jump around all the time and it's the same with writing. I personally would get bored writing the same story all the time, but I love writers who do because when I need some sort of comfort reading, that's who I turn to. I go to Agatha Christie or P.G. Wodehouse because that's how old I am. But nowadays I make different choices if I was 20 or 30, but they're the people I grew up with. So they're the ones I still find comfort in. But I also admire the writers who can switch genre or switch plot or switch theme.
So there's no merit in one course or the other, I think. Finding the time, I think the target of 2,000 words a day is a big incentive. It's like self-discipline, really.
Bryce Courtney wrote an article in a writing journal once and he said that, what I thought he said was that you need burned glue when you're a writer. And I was reading this out loud to a workshop of adults without having read the article myself beforehand, which was a very silly thing to do. So I read, you know, you gotta burn glue. And they all looked puzzled and I kept reading, thinking, God, what the hell did that mean? And then thought, I better go back and check. And it actually was bummed glue, I'd misread it. He says, you need bummed glue.
You've got to glue your bum to the seat. He needs to huff. Yeah, exactly. And I'm not a great fan of Bryce Courtney as a writer, but he was right about that. You've got to be able to glue your bum to the seat and have the self-discipline.
And he wrote too. And he wrote a whole lot of different things. But you, you know, you varied quite a lot.
And one particular book I always remember is the head book released in 2001. That was when you just sat down and decided to write a book that people were going to read on the toilet. And I remember working with a guy at the time who had we had it in the workplace toilet. And it was just the perfect thing for just, it was explaining the world in an easy accessible kind of way. And this guy, it was that book that explained to him what Israel Palestine was because, you know, because no one knew what it was. It was, and you just kind of, the history of, it was modern history and a lot of, you know, a lot of general knowledge all condensed in an accessible kind of, what made you think to write something like that?
I think I've become very tired of the sloganizing and the superficiality of public dialogue these days. And Talkback Radio is a classic example, but you get it with tabloid newspapers and you get it in conversations on the tram or the bus or, you know, wherever you go. It's just people talk in such shallow terms and they use such meaningless language.
And I want to unpack stuff. I want to know what causes things. I want to understand things at as deeper level as possible.
So for example, bullying in schools is the phrase that politicians love because they can make speeches about it and it costs them nothing and they sound wonderful. They sound righteous and pompous and moral when they talk about it. And everyone agrees with them and says, yes, yes, he's right, she's right. We should stamp out bullying in schools. No one stops to think, well, what about the bullying in parliament? And what about the bullying in caucus? And what about the bullying in political parties? And what about the bullying in everyone's workplace or in the local footy club or tennis club or croquet club when adults stop bullying each other, kids will stop, but that's not likely to happen in our lifetimes. And I don't think there is any particular problem about bullying in schools compared to other areas. It's just, that's a slogan, which no one seems to bother to unpack or to think about. It's just a useful phrase that you can shout out and get instant agreement and wild hand clapping from your devotees. And it also covers a lot of issues, whether that be mental health issues or crime or it can kind of explain, and in America with all the shootings, it kind of gets put down to bullies a lot of the time as well, well before the firearm. But a lot of the bullying, so-called bullying in schools, and I've said this in my new book, which I should mention at some point.
Don't worry, we'll get there. Okay, no worries.
I'm just, I have said in that, that a lot of the so-called bullying in schools is actually kids giving feedback to each other, but in an unsophisticated way, because they haven't been taught to do it gently and carefully and with every word delicately chosen. So when a kid says to another kid, you're just a hog and we don't want you in our team at lunchtime, then the kid says he's been bullied. But what they're saying is you're selfish with the ball. You need to pass it to a person in a better position when that happens rather than shoot for goal yourself. And that's good feedback, but it's not conveyed subtly and it's not conveyed in a sophisticated way. They ripped the bandaid off, that's what they did. That's right, and that's the way kids are. That's a direct way of letting people know what they need to do.
It might be common knowledge to a lot of Australians or it might not, but you're an educator now yourself. Well, you're back educating after your writing. You've found a school. Yeah, I did something pretty reckless. And 14 years ago, I started my own school in Victoria, and then about four years ago, I started another one. So they're 20 minutes apart, so I spend a lot of time now zapping backwards and forwards between the two schools. And what is the basis? It's an alternative education. I mean, I've seen it on the news as well. What was your thinking behind that and what do you think these schools offer kids that aren't offered in the mainstream? First and foremost, first-hand experiences.
So the idea that you can live your childhood and adolescence in a secondhand way by watching people on TV doing stuff and playing computer games where you're taking on the role of a two-dimensional character in an artificial world that someone else has created is not a good basis for your adult life. You need to be out there swimming in the waterhole or you need to be playing games down in the local park with a group of other kids. You need to be out fishing. You need to be just living life at close quarters, getting your hands dirty. And I'm using kind of old-fashioned images when I talk about going fishing, but there are- Stick with the wheel. Yeah, you know, you can be doing more than just going to the mall, watching TV or playing computer games.
We're going to those incredibly bleak and soulless playgrounds, which now have spread across Australia like some sort of skin disease so that every playground and every school has nothing but these utterly banal and soul-destroying playgrounds. Rubber treading. Yeah, which are all just metal and plastic.
And I suppose in your new book, it's called Growing Up. The Art of Growing Up. Yeah, you've kind of put all the things you've learnt, I guess, as an educator. Yeah, it's a manifesto. The publishers used the word manifesto on the back cover copy and I read that and thought, yeah, I suppose it is because it's 40 years worth of dealing with young people and their parents where I've tried to really just put it all down and set it all out there so that I can really convey what I think are important truths to them.
And some of it would be uncomfortable for some people, I think, but nevertheless, it's so important to parent effectively that I don't think we can do anything other than really grapple with it very intensively and comprehensively. Have you seen a change in, whether you're at book signings or at book launches or you're educating, have you seen a change in kids since, I would just say smartphone, those kind of devices? Oh, dramatically, yeah. Yeah, like I was talking about firsthand experiences, they don't have them anymore. So like at our schools, the average kid would have, oh God, I don't know, 30 nights of sleepovers a year, I suppose, from prep onwards.
And that can be a camp where they go, canoeing or skiing or hiking. They do tough hikes when they get older, Larapinta and Cradle Mountain, Lake St. Clair. They go to Womad, they go to the Mona Gallery in Hobart. We have them, we've got a big group going to Poland and Germany soon, but we split them up into three small groups because we think that's gonna be more effective. So there's about 12 kids and two teachers in each group. And as well as that, they go to galleries, they go to museums, they work with potters and sculptors and bush carpenters.
They are getting their hands dirty every day. They're rolling down hills, they're climbing trees, they're riding rip sticks and skateboards and things called Munro boards, which are outdoor skateboards where you can go over any terrain pretty much. And they don't have breaks, they go bloody fast. So you learn how to land.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or you have some very good and trustworthy insurers. Well, people, it's actually quite easy to get insurance. People use that as an excuse for not doing these things. Yeah, I guess. It's not difficult.
And in 14 years, we haven't had a serious injury. We've got plenty of kids with bruises and scratches and grazes. And we would, I don't know, I haven't counted the number of broken bones over 14 years, but it'd be very, very few.
And that's interesting to me because in most standard schools where kids are pursuing what is meant to be a very safe life, there are far more injuries. But what we do in most schools is to take the greatest number of kids possible, pack them into the smallest space possible, allocate the fewest possible number of adults to look after them, and then impose ridiculous rules like no running, no touching each other, no swapping food. These are typical rules that you'll find in most schools nowadays.
No picking up sticks. No car wheels. You'll get expelled if you pick up a stick because a twig is a deadly weapon now.
So how did you come to find that this was the type of education that you'd like to deliver at your school? I mean, there's some- I just got bored listening to kids talk. Because I've read a couple of articles where they've got like, I think it's a daycare or a kindergarten in Denmark where it's essentially called the bush. I think that's what the- Yeah, bush kinder.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we have one of those. It's kind of like that? Yeah, very much so.
But except we run right through from when they're four years old to when they're 18. So they're out there all the time grappling with challenges and they're tough challenges sometimes. But obviously we grade them. We don't send kids who the four-year-olds don't get sent to Uluru to walk from there to Kakadu. Although, come to think of it, that might be worth a try. That's for year 12 field studies.
I got bored by the conversations with teenagers that were getting so banal. And I thought, why are they so boring? And I started listening to them more closely and realized that all they talked about was what they'd seen on TV the night before. And that was before computer games became so pervasive.
But I don't want to see Bear Grylls out there eating cockroaches and scorpions. I want to go out there and eat one myself and see what it's really like.
My question to you is, particularly when you look at the current political climate with the rhetoric is kind of coming from a place of misplaced nostalgia. You know what I mean? Particularly when you look at the Pauline Hanson types and stuff when they talk about how good things used to be and that can be used in any kind of way. How do you separate productive kind of activities for kids compared to what kids used to do and when Australia was a nicer place? Well, I unpack all that Pauline Hanson rhetoric because she's glossing over what it was really like. I grew up in the same era that she did and it wasn't just blissful life where we sort of- Fish and chip shops. Yeah, and climbing trees and all that.
There was a lot of abuse. There was sexual abuse. There was physical abuse at school. We had in grade three, for example, a teacher who had a test every Friday for us and if you got less than seven out of 10, you got caned automatically. So if you had dyslexia or emotional problems or learning difficulties, you just got caned every Friday as a matter of course. And she was a savage caner. She drew blood from my brother's legs when she caned him across the back of the legs because he was talking in the back row of the choir during a voluntary lunchtime choir that he'd joined. So we're talking about a time where people wore their masks very effectively when they were outdoors, but inside the family home and inside the school and in other places, there was some very ugly stuff going on.
There was good stuff happening too. It was like every other era in world history. There were good things, there were bad things, but it's ridiculous to pretend that it was some sort of blissful utopian existence. So you've gone and found the positives of a kind of hands-on childhood along with the modern world and that's kind of what you're providing students? Because what I did when I was taking time off teaching and doing workshops and talks instead, I went to somewhere close to 3,000 schools all around the world over a long period of time, but I'd sometimes go to two or three schools a day and then other times I'd spend six weeks in one school. And as time went on, I thought, God, if I took every good idea I've seen and put them all in one school and discarded every bad idea, every unworkable activity or endeavor, then I'd have a pretty remarkable school. And so that's what kind of led to it.
I just thought, okay, that's what I'll do. So how do you feel about this title? An Edu-Curator. Yeah, nice. I love words and- Well, he's got a manifesto now, everyone, so dig in, dig in. Could be the title of my next book, guys. So one of the biggest takeaways from this new book is that if you've got a teenager who is boring, read the book and hopefully try and add a bit of pizzazz.
But it's children, it's like four-year-olds. We have great difficulties with some parents teaching them not to make their children's lunches for them because a four-year-old can make a perfectly successful sandwich and a drink to go with it.
And on that sandwich, yeah, they might put sardines, tomato, vegemice, and pineapple. But you know what? They'll eat it. If they make it themselves, they always eat them. That's no different to pop, you know? And they won't make it again. Grandpa's eating that rubbish anyway. Grandpa ate cheese and peanut butter. What's the difference? Let the kids eat the same thing. Yes, the cycle of life, I suppose.
But we have to really coach some parents in backing off and not standing there saying, oh, I'll just cut this up for you and I'll cut all the edges off the slices of bread because the child doesn't like to eat the crusts. And I'll peel the apple for you and do you want to cut into quarters or halves or eighths? They just need to back off and that's a very hard thing for many parents to do. But if they want their children to be successful adults, then they have to do it.
So you might now have alumni out of your kind of schools that you can see in the real world? Yeah, absolutely. It varies what they get into or what their strengths are? Yeah, it varies widely. But I'd say the, I don't know, success rate, to use another glib phrase, is extremely high.
They're doing remarkable things. They're doing wonderful things.
What I said to them when they started was, whatever door you want to open when you leave school, you should be able to open that door. And if you come to a door and it won't open because we haven't taught you what you need to know, then we've failed. So if they want to open a door that leads them into doing medicine or law or dentistry or something at a prestigious university, then they should be able to open that door. If they want to go to India and work with disadvantaged people or to do a meditation course that runs for 10 years, then that door should be open to them as well. If they want to be an apprentice joiner or cabinet maker, again, that door should be open to them.
So that's a big thing to take on. And what we do to try to achieve success in that way is to develop a genuine inner strength that will sustain them and give them the courage and the creativity to attempt things and to attempt them in such a way that they're likely to succeed. So it's not that kind of glib American confidence that enables people to prattle on like I'm doing at the moment and project this kind of aura of invincibility like a Donald Trump figure because when you unpack that stuff, it usually is very false and it's all about masks. We're looking for something a bit more authentic.
And that's all in the book, a bit of that. Yeah, well, I've packed as much as I can in and it's 400 pages. There's a fair bit packed in there. Well, that's the art of growing up. As we said, you've cast a wide net. You've got all the young parents that listen to us rushing out to get that. But you've also got every young Australian, old Australian that grew up reading John Marsden will be looking at that as well.
Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Marsden. It's been a pleasure. Great, no, thanks. And a rare honor, thank you. Oh, I've enjoyed it, thank you.
How do you feel about this title, an edu-curator? Yeah, nice. I love words. Well, he's got a manifesto now, everyone, so dig in, dig in. Could be the title of my next book. So one of the biggest takeaways from this new book is that if you've got a teenager who is boring, read the book and hopefully try and add a bit of pizzazz.
It's children, it's like four-year-olds. We have great difficulties with some parents teaching them not to make their children's lunches for them because a four-year-old can make a perfectly successful sandwich and a drink to go with it.
And on that sandwich, yeah, they might put sardines, tomato, vegemice and pineapple. But you know what? They'll eat it. They'll make it themselves, they always eat them. That's no different to pop, you know? And they won't make it again. Grandpa's eating that rubbish anyway. Grandpa ate cheese and peanut butter. What's the difference? Let the kids eat the same thing. Yes, cycle of life, I suppose.
But we have to really coach some parents in backing off and not standing there saying, oh, I'll just cut this up for you and I'll cut all the edges off the slices of bread because the child doesn't like to eat the crusts. And I'll peel the apple for you and do you want to cut into quarters or halves or eighths? They just need to back off. And that's a very hard thing for many parents to do. But if they want their children to be successful adults, then they have to do it.
So you might now have alumni out of your kind of schools that you can see in the real world? Yeah, absolutely. It varies what they get into or what their strengths are? Yeah, it varies widely. But I'd say the, I don't know, success rate to use another glib phrase is extremely high.
They're doing remarkable things. They're doing wonderful things.
I mean, what I said to them when they started was, whenever door you want to open when you leave school, you should be able to open that door. And if you come to a door and it won't open because we haven't taught you what you need to know, then we've failed. So if they want to open a door that leads them into doing medicine or law or dentistry or something at a prestigious university, then they should be able to open that door. If they want to go to India and work with disadvantaged people or to do a meditation course that runs for 10 years, then that door should be open to them as well. If they want to be an apprentice joiner or cabinet maker, again, that door should be open to them.
So that's a big thing to take on. And what we do to try to achieve success in that way is to develop a genuine inner strength that will sustain them and give them the courage and the creativity to attempt things and to attempt them in such a way that they're likely to succeed. So it's not that kind of glib American confidence that enables people to prattle on like I'm doing at the moment and project this kind of aura of invincibility like a Donald Trump figure. Because when you unpack that stuff, it's usually it's very false and it's all about masks. We're looking for something a bit more authentic.
And that's all in the book, a bit of that. Yeah, well, I've packed as much as I can in and it's 400 pages. There's a fair bit packed in there. Well, that's the art of growing up. As we said, you've cast a wide net. You've got all the young parents that listen to us rushing out to get that. But you've also got every young Australian, old Australian that grew up reading John Marsden will be looking at that as well.
Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Marsden. It's been a pleasure. Great, no, thanks, Lindsay. And a rare honor, thank you. Oh, I've enjoyed it, thank you. Thank you. |
cracked | why_hipster_bands_shouldn_t_be_allowed_to_use_youtube_does_not_compute | Hey everybody and welcome to another swiftly tailored episode of does not compute the only web series that started as a warehouse shoe Franchise, then we got confused. I'm your host this moderately priced saddleback and with me as always is my co-host Shaky handy cam clips of Tosh point. Oh Speaking of formats I invented and that sweater today's topic is hipster takeover edition or whatever Guidance hey check this out pretty cool I don't know. I'm not that into it anymore Hey, not so philosopher fast not so philosopher fast. Yeah, that's right look guy I don't want to question the word coining abilities of someone named John Shakespeare But I'm pretty sure you can't supplant the word philosopher with philosopher fist Just by having a bunch of your friends repeat it over and over as if it weren't total nonsense new words Must make their way through the prop ish Academical institutions if language played by Beetlejuice slash candy man rules then my misguided attempt to rename the personal computer would have worked for nogra for nogra for For nogra phone I keep hearing about see people hate it when you change the name of something and almost nothing else Trust me I'm super sad Okay, you know what this actually might be a crazy homeless guy not a hipster easy mistake to make We'll just run a quick hip check on him computer or Clippy actually, um, is there also an onboard computer? I've never been clear on that First of all the videos promoting a band that needs three adjectives to describe it But it's a Christian band and hipsters are way too cool to hang out with an older dude in a robe So we'll call that a draw the band's logo is so complex that a healthy portion of the video is dedicated to explaining it Check the guy just look at this fucking guy in the foundation of that circle lies an eternal idea So anyway, that's a check computer Zoom and don't enhance on his lower lip there.
Yes. Perfect.
See a cold sore The hipsters mating call Seattle Space Needle in the background and of course, perhaps most damningly this 2009 promo is the only video of this band on YouTube. You're not even allowed to hear their music Good good. So he checks out Although that's got me thinking if the main trait of a hipster is an unwillingness to define what they do is hipster ism Then can it truly be said that there is such a thing as hipster music? Yes So No, but there's this instead meet Dan Deacon The one man Tim and Eric spin-off with keyboard sounds where the jokes should go and he's got a Native American sidekick I believe his name is Combs with Crisco He's got to wear that blindfold at all times to avoid going into a Dan Deacon induced seizure you have Parents people two humans came together in collaborative love I Understand to bring you into the world 30 years and fourth thrift stores later and you've somehow lost credibility I would seriously rather leave my keys with this guy then with this guy At least the baby won't swap my Volvo for land in the desert and a fixed gear bike.
Yep. Yes Check Wow. These are all funnier than the joke titles.
I came up with although I don't have a problem with experimental music per se My own techno prog outfit firewire fondue used to get pretty esoteric with it But just to be thorough, let's run a quick hip check on this guy first off, let's check his view count. Oh Over 10,000 views and plenty of thumbs up automatic disqualification Sorry bland meekin. You're nothing but a husk of how cool you were when I'd never heard of you fucking sell out Well, that about does it for this week. Anything to add clippy you corporatist son of a bitch Fair enough. I've been your host droid Michael Swain and this has been does not compute. Allow me to show you out Hipster is a misal religion to which you gotta be devout You must be seen as in between unpopular and hated the real skeptics communicated You |
cracked | the_epic_scam_that_created_an_iconic_rock_band_cracked_responds_the_zombies_english_rock | 1964 okay, there's a band called the zombies in England. They have a modest hit with she's not there. You've heard of it Yeah, a couple years go by to make another album not a huge hit their Label in Elastich effort sends the single from their album to America The song is time of the season and blew up. You know the song said what's your name? Who's your daddy? Yeah Blows up in America.
They loved it number three on the billboard 1969 a state-side zombie tour starts under the management company Delta promotions tour is so successful That Delta promotions launches a second zombies tour. So for a couple of months in 1969 you could see two different zombies bands touring around America you're in Dallas like I'm going to see the zombies show and You read I don't know how correspondents work back then so you write a postcard to your friend in Michigan, right? You're like I'm also seeing a zombies show right now. They're saying they're the zombies Scandal which one was the zombies? Yeah, neither The original zombies broke up in 1969 had no idea that the song was doing well in America or that there were two competing zombies bands Going across the country pretending to be the zombies. This is the 60s. So no one really knew what bands look like They're not gonna email or tweet like you can't Google. What did the zombies look like? Right? It was just some guy who was like these the zombies. What are your names? Hugh I think I'm Mike zombie. That's fine. That's nobody knows the Texas zombies There's a guy in it named Frank guy named dusty. They were in an older band and then Delta came to them and was like We have the rights to the zombies music. We're an above-board operation You're gonna play zombies music cuz you're good You're gonna go you're gonna tour and you're gonna be the zombies and a few people were like what happened to your keyboard player? The zombies are a five-piece band You're only four.
Where's the keyboard player? And they said he is in jail in Dallas was anyone actually in jail? No, they were just like we don't have a person so you used to have a keyboardist Yeah, he got busted in Dallas. So he's stuck in jail.
It's like we're cool. That's a cool story zombies band Yeah, we're frank and dusty. We're cool. So then they made the Michigan zombies which are actually much better Michigan zombies were very very good.
The guy at the head of all this was Bill Keough He was the the head of Delta promotions who convinced everyone that he was above board that they did own the rights to the zombies music And that it's okay to go around calling yourself the zombies. That can't be true Well, that's what Bill Keough told everyone Reach out to him and they're like, why are you doing this? He said the original lead singer was killed to Rolling Stone and that is not true This is just Bill Keough is a crazy person. Did he get into how he died?
No, how do we do this game? Well, we can't do it now.
That's the bummer We'll never be able to pull off quite a scheme like that But it was like the perfect there's a certain breed of person who existed in the 60s that I think would just if you were Completely morally unscrupulous you would do things like that. You're just like look at all these people Obeying laws cuz someone told them to right. I'm gonna go the other way on that all these like facts and misrepresenting people and Not much has changed like it's a little harder to lie to people but yeah, we're still in a time. We're like misinformation is rampant It's pretty easy pizza rat that viral thing. That was a scheme That was a woman who knows how to train rats and she arranged for someone to fill in this rat carrying a pizza Those are the kinds of real-world schemes we can do now I feel like Banksy Banksy is gonna have these schemes one of us can be Banksy. Oh, I'm Banksy.
Oh What happened to the real like did they get any money? No, no, absolutely not.
No the lead singer of the zombies Chris white. He found out this was going on and he Didn't have a band anymore. We were still like look people go to a zombie show and they hate it They're not gonna buy our merch. They're not gonna buy our CDs. This is really bad for us So they would call disc jockeys in America when they heard the zombies were coming to town like look That's not the zombies. I'm the zombies and there aren't any zombies anymore Stop saying the zombies are coming and the DJs are like look we've heard a lot of shit from a lot of people We don't know. Maybe you're fake zombies and that prompted Chris white to be like alright, and he brought his got his band back together to record more albums to prove to everyone that they were alive and they were the the only real Things started to unravel because Bill Kehoe thought I've got two successful zombie stores going on and there's not a single keyboardist among them and I'm gonna do this again.
So he made a New the animals band, you know the animals. Yeah, he made one of them Tour America for a while until all fake Yeah, all fake and then they stopped because the actual lead singer Eric Burden and quote a bunch of bikers chased them and threatened them like went to one of those shows like you're not the animals I'm the animals and these are my Bikers and they chased the animals away and you know fake animals were like we're not the fake animals anymore And they just like moved on with their lives It's so sixties rock and roll that everyone in the fake animals tells that story But when they reached out to Eric his wife actually was like, yeah, I asked him about it He doesn't totally remember doing that amazing, but it's reasonable to assume that he did that Isn't this story wacky enough already?
Just slightly whackers these guys Frank and dusty from before yeah, they got really good playing together for a while We can't be the zombies anymore. It turned out that obvious scheme was a scheme. What do we do? So they grew their beards very long easy time Going to ask yeah, I it had to be easy topper the almond brothers. That was my Frank beard and dusty Frank beard and dusty from the zombies Named after zombies zombies top Good for them. Yeah, I think Dusty was frequently asked in this interview that I read about this Story the situation and he doesn't deny it and the thing that he said most frequently was it was the 60s Ranking and order the winners and losers of this story. Yeah do it So I think it's easy top They were the ultimate winner. Yeah Losers are obviously the real zombies Mm-hmm But they didn't get back together. They're back together. Yeah, but didn't have this And like I'm sure this Delta promotions guy Still made a ton of money.
Michigan zombies are probably Because they were fake zombies and then they didn't even get to be easy like real ZZ Tommy. Oh, yeah Yeah, so they're they're right above you were only only One of the three zombies bands, right? I feel like we should do this with ZZ top though Okay Because we pretend to be ZZ top we can hide ourselves with all the beards and do that and then when they're lawyers are like Hey, what are you doing? You're on ZZ top be like, excuse me Calling the kennel black much and then just keep doing it Hey everybody Thank you for watching that video click the big C in the middle to subscribe Click any of the videos around us to watch them click the YouTube bell to get notifications one of new videos come out and Make the zombie joke that we forgot to make in the in the comments about how the band was dead and then it was |
dropout | the_new_emojis_have_a_meeting | Hello, my fellow emojis. Glad you could all make it to this recently used press conference. We have some pizza and bread and ramen and beer, if anyone wants any. As you know, we've made some changes recently, and I just wanted to announce that it's been a resounding success.
I want to thank everyone for their patience during this transitional period. Transitional period? Are you calling racial integration a transitional period?
Um, well, yes, I mean... My people did not exist before last week. Yes, I can't imagine how hard that was. We're just trying to work out a lot of things. We added a lot of African-American versions. Exactly. We're more than just the black versions of the existing white emojis. I personally still feel very underrepresented. I have the exact same problem.
There's only one kind of poop. Say what? I mean, if we're being honest, poop comes in all shapes and sizes, and we're only represented by my cartoonish dollop. That is not the same thing.
Well, our family unit couldn't even express our outrage until now. But hey, now you can. Yeah, why do all families have to be yellow? But this is a start, right? Also, what's wrong with being yellow? Same situation with me.
No green poops. No bloody poops.
Oh, like a green alien, maybe. I am unclear on what my job is. Guys, one at a time.
Yes, you. I just wanted to say thanks for making more versions of myself. Oh, that's great. Yes, you are quite welcome. It's amazing.
I have a me looking normal, a me looking sad, a me getting my haircut, and even a me getting my hair washed. Well, we wanted to make sure you had as many choices as you needed. Yeah, totally. But it would have been nice to have some women with actual jobs, though. What? We included a ton of jobs, like dancer, and I guess twin bunny dancers, and princess could be one. Bride?
You know what? You might be right about that one. We will certainly work on that. I think you guys are blowing this out of proportion. Please, not just hard. Oh my god. Dude, I do not need your help. What if we want more than two kids? Yeah.
Why am I purple? It's unfair that cats get to express themselves so fully on here, and dogs don't. What am I?
I mean, there's two Red Devil masks, but no smiley Red Devil. What if I wanted hard eyes? And why don't we have Taco?
What about maybe half a son? That's enough. Please.
We are trying. When those Japanese guys came up with us, I don't think they even thought of race, gender equality, or same-sex marriages. They just thought this would be a fun way to communicate. We're trying to take steps in the right direction, but no, I don't know why there are twelve trains, or what the flags are, or why there are no tacos, so you're right. Emojis are far from perfect. Uh, those Japanese guys?
Whoa. Let me down. |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_nft_cold_open_snl | And now, just in time for the holidays, a very special Christmas announcement from the one person who can truly remind us what the season is all about. Trump, hopefully your favorite President of all time, Better than Lincoln, better than Washington, frankly, better than Ezra. you may have seen. This week I made a major announcement. I'm doing my first official collection of Donald J. Trump digital trading cards. what do you use the technical term?
Nifty's. I call them Nifty's because they're so neat. they feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career, for example, when I was an astronaut or me riding a big elephant.
Trump cards are each $99. seems like a lot, seems like a scam, and in many ways it is, But we love the Trump cards. we just love them. you can also get them for free by just going online and looking at them, maybe. I don't know. maybe taking a screenshot, but we'd really prefer it if you sent the $99. you'll get me as a cowboy or me melting Biden's ice cream with my big laser eyes. it sure sounds a lot like Pokemon, but trust me, it's not pokemon. I mean, absolutely no disrespect to my very good friends Raichu, Meryl, Niteran male, and Niteran female. Now I know what you're wondering,: can they fight? The answer is yes. Who will win between Trump crossing the Delaware and Trump being Matrix? And the best part is, each card comes with an automatic chance to win an exclusive mystery prize where you get to pick anything out of this nice box. Now remember, when you buy a card, you don't get to pick which one you don't get. it might be me on the cover of a romance novel, or me doing splits, me doing Titanic, or even me as Jessica Rabbit.
Wow, look at the legs on her. perhaps I would be dating her if she weren't me. Now, to help me say more, here's my third least embarrassing child.
Wow, very funny, dad. and so good to be here for the launch of this amazing, totally legit product. these cards are fantastic and a steal. And I know what you're thinking, $99, you can get two grams for that. while I'm here, I also wanted to share. I'm selling a new Christmas Cd from my fiance, Kimberly Guilfoyle. hey, babe, get that fine little butt out here. Whoo!
Thank you. And I know you're going to love this Christmas album that I'm calling. Now that's what no one calls music. I guarantee you'll sleep in. Heist. beautiful. Thank you.
Okay. there they go. What a terrible couple.
So get your Trump Digital trading cards today. they should be at the top of everyone's Christmas list, really. You know what? can we pull up my Christmas list? let's do it rundown style. Merry Christmas, okay? we're all saying Merry Christmas again, right? I brought that back because Christmas is very important to Christians and to Jewish, I think, also. You're hearing Merry Christmas a lot more lately, just like in Christmas, Carol. I was visited last night by three ghosts last night, including, I think, you know what? actually, you know what? it was four if you include Epstein, but it's Christmas all over with tree and toy and Santa. We love Santa, don't we, folks? we love Santa.
But not Ron De Santa. we don't like de Santa so much. I mean, the guy looks like a Roblox, and he's not even much of a Santa, is he? He's more of a Grinch, and Grinch was very bad when he stole Christmas, but I got it back. I brokered a historic deal with Grinch and Netanyahu, and we decided that no Christmas would ever be stolen again, like how the whites tried to steal the Unabdadium and Avatar, But the Navi fought back. they fought back.
So good. And now you look at Sam Worthington. he's a great father. Now he's got four blue kids now. you know, I've got four kids, too. five of you include Tiffany, but. he's a great navi dad, So in conclusion, Feliz Navi Dad, Merry Christmas, and live from New York, It's Saturday night!
Niftees. I call them niftees because they're so neat. they feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career, for example, when I was an astronaut or me riding a big elephant. trump cards are each $99. seems like a lot, seems like a scam, and in many ways it is, But we love the trump cards. we just love them. you can also get them for free by just going online and looking at them, maybe. I don't know. maybe taking a screenshot, but we'd really prefer it if you sent the $99. you'll get me as a cowboy or me melting Biden's ice cream with my big laser eyes. it sure sounds a lot like Pokemon, but trust me, it's not Pokemon. I mean, absolutely no disrespect to my very good friends Raichu, Meryl, Niteran male, and Niteran female. Now, I know what you're wondering.: can they fight? The answer is yes. who will win between Trump crossing the Delaware and Trump being Matrix? And the best part is each card comes with an automatic chance to win an exclusive mystery prize where you get to pick anything out of this nice box. Now, remember, when you buy a card, you don't get to pick which one you'll get. it might be me on the cover of a romance novel, or me doing splits, me doing Titanic, or even me as Jessica Rabbit.
Wow. look at the legs on her. perhaps I would be dating her if she weren't me. Now, to help me say more, here's my third least embarrassing child. Wow. very funny, dad. and so good to be here for the launch of this amazing, totally legit product. these cards are fantastic and a steal. And I know what you're thinking. $99, you can get two grams for that. while I'm here, I also wanted to share. I'm selling a new Christmas Cd from my fiance Kimberly Guilfoyle. hey, babe, get that fine little butt out here. Whoo!
Thank you. And I know you're gonna love this Christmas album that I'm calling. Now that's what no one calls music. I guarantee you'll sleep in his. beautiful. Thank you.
Okay. there they go. What a terrible couple.
So get your Trump digital trading cards today. they should be at the top of everyone's Christmas list, really. You know what? can we pull up my Christmas list? Let's do it rundown style.
Merry Christmas, okay? we're all saying Merry Christmas again, right? I brought that back because Christmas is very important to Christians and to Jewish, I think, also. But you're airing Merry Christmas a lot more lately, just like in Christmas, Carol. I was visiting last night by three ghosts last night, including, I think, you know what? actually, you know what? it was four if you include Epstein, but it's Christmas all over with tree and toy and Santa. we love Santa, don't we, folks? we love Santa, but not Ron De Santa. we don't like de Santa so much. I mean, the guy looks like a Roblox, and he's not even much of a Santa, is he? he's more of a Grinch, and Grinch was very bad when he stole Christmas, but I got it back. I brokered a historic deal with Grinch and Netanyahu, and we decided that no Christmas would ever be stolen again, like how the Whites tried to steal the Unabdadium in Avatar, But the Navi fought back. they fought back. So good. And now you look at Sam Worthington. he's a great father. now he's got four blue kids now. you know, I've got four kids, too. five of you include Tiffany, But. he's a great navi dad, So in conclusion, Feliz Navi dad, Merry Christmas, and live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
cracked | how_society_can_t_help_treating_sexual_assault_victims_poorly_bill_cosby_roger_ailes | Hi, internet. Cracked writer, performer, frustrated human, Katie Stoll here.
So there has been a lot of attention focused on famous men accused of sexual assault lately, the most recent example being Bill Cosby. Now, you're all very smart and diligent purveyors of the news, so I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. But just to refresh your memory, Bill has been accused of sexual assault by 58 women and counting. But only one case, that of Andrea Constand, falls within the statute of limitations and is still prosecutable. Despite the laundry list of victims and Cosby's own admission that he drugged Miss Constand and engaged in non-consensual sex, the jury was hung and a mistrial was declared. After the verdict, Cosby announced that he would embark on a lecture series to teach people, specifically married men and athletes, how to avoid being accused of sexual assault.
Which, okay, first of all, you are so not the person to be delivering that message. You were literally accused by 58 women. And second, this so offensively misses the mark that it would seem like a joke if it weren't 2017 and everything that happens is a satire of itself. Lecturing about ways to avoid being caught instead of actually understanding the issue and getting to the root of the problem is the equivalent of giving a dog chocolate, or I don't know, electing Donald Trump president, meaning it's dangerous and cruel. After receiving a lot of backlash, Cosby's spokespeople tried to spin the story, saying the lectures were more about restoring the actor's legacy, which, I'm sorry, is still a big fat pile of fuck no, your legacy will never be restored, Bill. There is literally nothing we need to hear you say, except maybe I'm guilty and I apologize. So, to counteract whatever nonsense he may or may not say, I have decided to hold my own lecture series called Things I'd Like Bill Cosby and Everyone Else to Understand About Rape.
First off, I want to applaud you for showing up today. So, I brought treats. Here, have a pudding cup. You earned it.
A quick note, a lot of what I'm discussing today will focus on women, but to be honest, 3% of American men are victims of sexual assault and most of what we're discussing applies to both sexes. Okay, let's get started with something basic. What is sexual assault? I actually already covered this in my last lecture, how to know if a girl is down to fuck, but just to review, it's really quite simple.
You will know if she's DTF if you hear her verbal consent. Now, Bill, in your 2005 testimony on this case, you stated that you don't hear her say anything, you don't feel her say anything, so I proceeded into the area that is somewhere between permission and rejection. I am not stopped. Okay, see, so in this situation, when someone does not consent to having sex with you, it's rape.
Do you see what I'm saying right here? Good, good, we're making progress. That's wonderful.
Other things that constitute as sexual assault include groping without permission, forcing someone to engage in oral sex, and drugging someone so that they are incapable of saying no. And it doesn't even have to be as insidious as drugging someone, even if you're out with a person who's had a lot to drink and engage in sex when they aren't coherent, that can constitute as assault, especially when, as is the case in so many rape cases, consent is revoked and you do not stop. So, if you want to avoid being accused of sexual assault, it's best to just steer clear of those situations altogether.
Okay, got it? Cool, we're off to a great start. Here, have another pudding cup, moving on.
Psychological effects of assault, or P for short. In any sort of traumatic situation, fight or flight is triggered. Now, a lot of people point to fight or flight as proof that someone wasn't assaulted. The argument being if they felt threatened and they were scared, why wouldn't they run away? That's kinda dumb, right, Bill? The thing about fight or flight is that it's more applicable to men. A woman's physiological response to a threat isn't to fight, it is to freeze or befriend, which means that many rape victims are too scared to move, let alone resist their attacker. They may even try to diffuse the situation so as not to exacerbate the threat. Plus, when your system is flooded with adrenaline but you have no means of escape, your body can short-circuit and disassociate from what's happening, which is why so many women have a hard time recounting their assault. It also contributes to victims' feelings of shame, as if they somehow brought the situation upon themselves. These are both big reasons why many victims don't report being raped.
Yes, Mr. Cosby, do you have a question? Ah, yes, this is a question I've heard a lot lately and one I'd like to never hear asked again, please.
As mentioned, our body's reaction to trauma can cloud our memories. In fact, our brains might actually block out the memory, provided they were even awake when the assault occurred, right, Bill?
Just a bad joke.
It may take weeks or even years for a victim to completely process what happened to them. Plus, there's also the shame of being a victim that's often reinforced by victim blaming, which is the toxic idea that people could have somehow avoided the situation and deserve what happened to them. Moreover, sexual assault victims are afraid of the stigma it carries. Even if they don't feel personally responsible for what happened, they might not want to carry that victimhood with them throughout the rest of their lives. They're afraid that this will affect their desirability for future partners and would prefer to just try and forget about it. For some people, they may even be afraid of what their families or communities might say, which, unfortunately, is valid. Take Daisy Coleman, the teenage victim of the Maryville rape scandal who experienced death threats, bullying, and whose house was burned to the ground after she was assaulted.
Plus, it is difficult to prosecute rape without proof. And in order to file a report, you will need to get a rape kit, which is totally traumatizing in its own right. Rape kits are invasive and victims can expect to be poked, swabbed, sampled. Their pubic hair will be combed for DNA and photographs will be taken of their injuries. And in order to have the most accurate test results, they recommend that victims don't shower, use the restroom, or change their clothes before taking it.
So basically, they just have to, like, sit in the aftermath of this trauma for hours. So, yeah, I can imagine why that isn't the most appealing first stop to make after you've been assaulted, especially since they will then have to go talk to the police and police aren't properly trained to handle sexual assault victims. Or paps to salve, for sure, if that helps you remember it. This is maybe the biggest reason why people don't report assault. Victims who file police reports often describe that as being a whole other form of trauma. See, a police officer's job is to investigate, to find the facts, which can be difficult for someone who's just gone through a violent experience and is highly emotional. Plus, remember what we just discussed about how physical violence and fear can cause disassociation and fragmented memory? Yeah, well, that doesn't go over well under interrogation. Plus, the line of questioning that officers pursue with sexual assault victims include, how many times were you penetrated and did you orgasm?
Which, honestly, is information I wouldn't want to share with my best friend over coffee, let alone a stranger who inherently doesn't believe me. And believe me when I say that more often than not, they just don't believe you. In fact, one Philadelphia police station affectionately dubbed their sexual crimes unit, their lying bitches unit. The truth is that one in five women are victims of sexual assault. And statistically, only two to 8% of those reports are false. Yet studies have shown that many police officers believe that 50% of rape accusations are lies. Which is a staggering thing to wrap your brain around until you remember that most people just don't believe that women tell the truth. People think women are liars. This is a really big topic that I don't have time to go too deep into, so I recommend that you check out this HuffPo article about how we teach our children to think that women lie and this piece from Vox on how we just don't believe rape victims.
Both are very dense and well researched. But it's true.
We don't trust women, especially with their emotions. And this is something that I invite everyone, even the most woke among us, to investigate for themselves. Take this piece from Damon Young who describes the moment he realized that he didn't trust his wife. It isn't that he didn't trust her on basic things like her loyalty or whether or not she'd kill him in his sleep or whatever. It's that he didn't trust her emotions or her perceptions.
And isn't that something that we're all guilty of, both men and women? How many times have you assumed that a woman is overreacting about something or thought that she was being too emotional? Well, the truth is that most men have been taught from birth to tamper their emotions, to be logical. Male emotional repression can run so deep that they may not even recognize when someone is in actual distress. This is toxic masculinity and you may not even know that you suffer from it. If a woman you know is emotional, why is there a knee-jerk reaction to not trust what she's feeling? Would you say that someone with a headache is lying and ignore the fact that it may be an indication of an actual problem?
No, Bill, God damn it, that was a rhetorical question. Just have another goddamn pudding cup, okay? We're almost done. So how do we fix this?
Given all of these factors, it's understandable why more people don't come forward with their stories of sexual assault. And the answer might seem overly simplistic, but here goes. One, don't do the rape. And two, believe people when they tell you they've been assaulted.
Also, things are changing. California has already removed their statute of limitations law and other states are following suit. Research to see if your state is included and if not, start a petition to make it happen.
So Bill, as you can see, it's probably best that you stay as far away from this topic as possible because you have nothing of value to add to the conversation. Unless you wanna play this video.
Honestly, I would love that. Because these are the kinds of conversations we do need to be having. If we really want to solve this problem, we need to focus on listening and empathy, not ways to avoid being caught. Okay, class, that about does it for us today. I know I made a big deal about that quiz thing, but honestly, I was lying. And yeah, no, I mean, I know I said that you can trust me and you totally can in general. It's just, I'd be boring to watch and this already isn't really a comedy video, is it? But we are gonna end with some trust falls, okay? That's fun. Everyone partner up.
No, Bill. I don't wanna be your partner, Bill. Because I don't trust you, Bill, obviously.
Hey guys, thanks for watching. Click the C to subscribe. Click the bell to be alerted when we release more content. And while you're at it, why don't you check out some of these videos that are highlighted next to me. I promise they're pretty good. |
TheOnion | McCains_Economic_Plan_Everyone_Marry_A_Beer_Heiress | Speaking to business leaders in Detroit today, John McCain announced details of his new economic recovery plan under which every American would marry a wealthy beer heiress. McCain said he is confident the plan would benefit ordinary Americans based on his personal experience of marrying the daughter of millionaire Anheuser-Busch distributor, James Hensley. Saying, quote, marrying a beer heiress brought me financial security and it can do the same for all Americans. McCain promised the marry a beer heiress for America plan would allow every U.S. citizen to fund their retirement, ride in private jets and even finance their own presidential campaigns.
And my friends, we can do it. Americans together can do it. Our best days are ahead of us.
At a press conference earlier today, McCain campaign spokesman Dan Beckner said the plan is part of McCain's pro-growth, pro-jobs agenda. This isn't a government handout. No one is going to be given a beer heiress. You'll have to woo one on your own. Later in the day, McCain met with laid-off auto workers telling them he understood their struggle because of, quote, the time before I bagged my rich wife. McCain posted some personal tips for how Americans can seduce their beer heiress on his campaign website, including starting their search at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel Bar in Honolulu, complimenting the beer heiress on her earrings and buying her Tanqueray and tonics while charming her with a story about their decorated military career. If there aren't any beer heiresses in your town, be creative. Marry the heiress to a logging fortune. Now the Obama campaign slammed McCain's beer heiress plan, saying it left out the millions of Americans who could pull themselves out of hardship by writing two autobiographical books and giving a speech at the Democratic National Convention. When we return, a closer look at last night's political crony debate. When McCain was asked how the beer heiress plan had worked out for him, he pointed out his wife with his thumb, rubbed his thumb and forefinger together to make the universal symbol for money and winked lasciviously. |
SaturdayNightLive | i_m_just_pete_snl | So, like, what is Pete even gonna do? bro, I have no idea. he only has, like, one character. Yeah, why is he hosting again? he just left, and it's not like his show was a hit.
I know, right? like, how you get Joe Pesci and Edie Felco and no viewers?
Pete.
Oh, no one cares about the work I do. I made a show with Joe Pesci, too. and no one streamed it, but my mom.
I do things like call up Colin Jost. and say, call me, we should buy a boat. they tell me I have butthole lies. yet I never sleep alone at night. because I'm just Pete. anyone else, I'd be a three. But I guess I'm hot for dudes in comedy. because it's an ugly industry. I'm just Pete, looking like a meth head on the street. people online still call me skeet because of a guy whose name I can't say legally.
Pete's a simple! Is this black Pete, then?
I'm six foot four and a hundred pounds, but I got power. So you think it's hot that I ripped six when I'm in the shower.
And out of the blue, like three times a year, when you least expect it, I go to Rehab.
Miss Pete, energy. you feel that energy that keeps my polar energy. I'm just Pete. my dating life is not discreet. I generate tons of publicity for everything except my comedy. I'm just Pete, and I deal, and I'm on drugs.
But hey, I'm still in Super Bowl commercials.
My name's Pete, and so is mine. I deleted all my accounts online. because the doctor said the internet wasn't good for me. baby, I'm ready, Pete? sure am, Barbie.
I have no idea. he only has like one character. yeah, why is he hosting again? he just left, and I like his show was a hit.
I know, right? like how you get Joe Pesci and Edie Felco and no viewers. Oh, no one cares about the work I do. I made a show with Joe Pesci too. and no one streamed it, but my mom do things like call up Colin Jost. call me, we should buy a boat. they tell me I have butthole lies. yet I never sleep alone at night. because I'm just Pete. anyone else, I'd be a three.
But I guess I'm hot for dudes in comedy. because it's an ugly industry.
I'm just Pete, looking like a meth head on the street. people online still call me skeet. because of a guy whose name I can't say legally. Pete's a symbol. Is this black Pete then?
All right.
I'm 6 foot 4, and 100 pounds. But I got power.
So you think it's hot that I rip a seat. because when I'm in the shower and out of the blue, like three times a year, when you least expect it, I go to Rehab.
Famous Pete Energy. I feel that energy. that's Pete's bipolar energy.
I'm just Pete. my dating life is not discreet. I generate tons of publicity for everything except my comedy. I'm just Pete.
And I like jugs.
I'm mentally ill and I'm okay.
I'm still in Super Bowl commercials.
My name's Pete and so is mine. I deleted all my accounts online. because the doctors said the internet wasn't good for me. baby, I'm. are you ready, Pete? sure am, Barbie. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Goes_MIA_Palaszczuk_Cracks_The_Shits_The_Katter_s_To_The_Rescue_More_July_2 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate board and most of the country is in lockdown. A couple of the towns in Queensland got let out, Friday Eve, Darwin's out, but Brisbane and Sydney, they remain in lockdown. There's a lot going on, we're pretty lucky out here in the Diamantina, you're joined by myself Clancy Overell, the Batutah Advocate and of course Errol Parker, Eder at Large and Wendell Hussey, the Diamantina's Kay McGrath.
How are you gentlemen? I'm alright mate, look but I think in terms of you know our luck I think that the luck of the people in our nearest capital Adelaide you know I think they've had a pretty unlucky run I mean they've just had one family that's tested positive to this so-called you know bad cough going around and they're all in the same place so they're all in that bloody you know that bloody hotel that they've got for people who have this you know worse than average cold and yeah look it's plunged the entire state into lockdown where you know it's just it just boggles the mind that they do this and then they try and ram these you know toxins in people's arms. How are you going Wendell? Mate I'm really good I'm really good Clancy as you said it's all around us it seems to be closing in but so far so good out in the Channel Country. How are you traveling? I'm not too bad mate I mean I'm enjoying the new restrictions that are placed on greater rural Australia and I'm actually hoping to get a taste of that soft lockdown because I've got an in-laws 40th or 50th coming up next week which I'm hoping to get out of but what do we got up first in the news today Wendell?
Righto yeah we'll get into our weekly news wrap and there's been lots of vaccine news lots of lockdown news all sorts of stuff going on but we haven't heard a lot from the Prime Minister now we contacted his office and they confirmed that things aren't going well enough for Scotty from marketing for us to hear from him. Yes relying on the excuse of quarantine from his little overseas soiree it was radio silence for the pm for the majority of this week with large chunks of the population locking down the man who was more than capable of giving a couple press conferences in the same week about the status of Australia Day he went missing again in a bit of a throwback to the black summer bushfires really. Apart from coming out and giving conflicting vaccine advice to the experts a few days ago he has emerged from quarantine now and he did give a little press a Friday lunch time to say how good origin was but he has told us that he will be laying low until the states get on top of this latest outbreak. Yes someone who wasn't quiet this week though was our state's premier she came out and said fuck you and fuck your bullshit national cabinet give us some more fucking jabs. Yes Anastasia came out firing earlier this week with the southeast corner in Townsville going into lockdown Palaszczuk fronted the media to fire shots at the prime minister claiming that the national cabinet is a fictional construct designed to shift blame to the premiers. She's demanding the boss sort it out and get some fucking vaccines to put in people's fucking arms. Of course no answers to how a hospital worker out front of a covid ward was allowed to work unvaccinated from Joanna but it's an interesting precedent nonetheless and it's rumoured that Gladys might follow next.
Yeah we'll wait and see if she does that. Now the Catterboys have piped up this week telling Anastasia Palaszczuk to just say the word and they'll secure a supply of federal jabs. Yes after the origin loss on Sunday night and the spread of the Sydney sneeze up here there was a real feeling of Queensland versus the rest up north this week and a couple of blokes always ready to fire up against the southerners is the father and son Rob and Bob Catter who informed the premier that all she has to do is ask and they'll head down south and bring back some urgent medical supplies. Yeah Catter said and I quote all you need is me, my Adler, my son and a couple dozen unregistered voters out the back of Isa. We'll secure those jabs for Queensland by any means necessary. One thousand million of them. That's a lot of jabs. Steph Turner was a big fan of that idea saying she hopes that they leave a forward perimeter inside the enemy territory. Good cattle country just over the border. New South Wales can keep Byron Bay though. Hear hear.
Here in town now and a local all-boys share house has reported a couple of active community cases on the balcony. Yeah a bit of a scare here in town with concerns of some active cases in the community however those fears were quickly eased when it was confirmed that the cases were just a few boys hooking into some Batutah bidders. Yeah it's good to see some young people enjoying themselves during these uncertain times. No footy training, a couple cases and a couple pouches of rollies and the boys are on for a nice little midweek blowout.
Good on them some more news from here in Batutah and there's been some red flags for a local woman as a grown man has asked for her Snapchat instead of her phone number. It was a very relieved local woman by the name of Abby Clark this week she was lucky enough to receive a warning shot before agreeing to a date with a potential fuckboy. She said she'd playfully engaged in some verbal sparring with a witty and good-looking young man but upon preparing to exchange numbers he actually asked for her Snapchat instead forewarning her of his ill intentions.
Sounds like a real grub that bloke, keep away Abby! Yeah alarm bells going off there anyway that's all I've got in front of me for this week so that's your news wrap thanks as always for your company and we'll talk to you again on Monday. Hooroo!
Reject vaccines. No don't. |
dropout | full_benefits_inside_jokes | I don't know, like, a broken didgeridoo? No, it was a kazoo on a ceiling fan. Of course. That was my next guess.
Really? No! This is awesome. See? I told you, like, baloney.
Yeah, it's like a flat hot dog. It's exactly like a flat hot dog.
I know. I'm talking about you and me. We're friends again. Yay! We did it!
Ew, what's all over your hand? Baloney grease? Gross.
Hey guys. Oh, why David? You're looking a dapper today. Oh, thank you, sir. And the same. A-to-you! Sorry, Sarah. It's from an inside joke we had at a Yankees game we went to. Okay, so Amir was... You know what?
It is too hard to explain. Too hard.
A-to-be. Explained! That's one of the Mets game we were at. Okay.
Wait, what happened? What happened?
Wait, why don't we have any inside jokes? We have tons of inside jokes.
I don't think we do. Okay, what about, um, yo man, you gotta go. I don't know what that is. No man, you gotta go. Sorry, that was with Pat.
See? Okay, it's not a big deal. We can just come up with one right now. Okay.
Yeah, this feels forced. Yeah, I really did not like that.
Does this mean we're not friends because we don't have any inside jokes? We don't need inside jokes, all right? We know everything about each other.
What's my middle name? Arnold. Where was I born? Wisconsin. When's my birthday? May 3rd. What's my mom's name?
Odette. Those were all wrong. I know.
Really, Arnold? Someone say my middle name? Oh, I was just talking to David.
Sorry, D. Arns. D. Arns?
Oh yeah, it's just what I called Dan. I have nicknames for everyone, actually. Um, Grim Creeper, The Bunch, Flipper, B-Bear, Sir Munchy Man, Tiny, El Diablo. And David. I really want to be Grim Creeper.
Wait a minute. Are we not friends? Are we just benefits?
No.
We are friends, okay? I trust you. I go to you for everything. I love hanging out with you.
We don't need nicknames or inside jokes. Inside? Cry brand good. It's just the same we have. Okay, no. It does not matter. We are friends. We are friends, okay? Okay. And besides, we still got our handshake. That's right.
You're using too many knuckles. It's all knuckle-y. It's more fist heavy.
No, it starts like, we should practice this more. Yeah. You already messed up. I didn't know we were practicing right now. |
dropout | hardly_working_jeff_s_parents | Uh, oh, the Tooth Fairy comes out on DVD this week. Oh, dude, you can't get, you gotta wait for the collector's edition. Absolutely. Hey guys, keep it down!
My parents are on the phone? What is the deal with Jeff's parents? He's embarrassed to tell me where he's a college teacher, so his parents still think he's a lawyer.
Who's my client? My client is, my client is the Ghostbusters. My client is the Ghostbusters. Yeah, they're, uh, they're being sued by the city of New York for property damage sustained during their battle with Gozer. At the end of Ghostbusters 1. Yeah, it really is unfair, but honestly, that's why I got into lawyering in the first place.
Your office is pretty nice. You guys want to come visit? You're coming tomorrow?
No, that's not a problem. Why would it be a problem? It's weird you would even use the word problem.
All right, see you tomorrow. Love you. Bye.
I thought you explicitly said you didn't love your parents. Terrible news. My parents are coming to the office. What are you gonna do, man? Well, if they're only coming for one afternoon, I think I have an idea. You're clearly not a lawyer. This will never fool them. If we work together... Absolutely not.
Come on! Here we go again. Dear Jeff Rubin, Quendleton State regrets to inform you that you have been rejected from... I got you guys, I'm in!
Have you been injured in a car accident? Are you injured? Injuries. You should call Jeff Rubin. Injured. Have you been injured?
All right. Let's go through this one more time. You came home and you found your wife's body on the ground. Then... Then I called the cops and then I...
Wrong! Now the prosecution's got you from manslaughter by gross negligence and you never get to see your kids grow up because you're in federal penitentiary getting pounded in! Mom? Dad?
Oh, Jeffrey, this is so nice. Hi, where are the Ghostbusters? We'd love to meet them. Yeah, they said they were busy.
Something about a problem with the containment unit. Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this anymore. Jeffrey, nobody expects you to fix the Ghostbusters containment unit. Not your mom, not I. Nobody. It's not that.
It's just that I'm not really a lawyer. Well, I wasn't until earlier this morning. What I really do is work at College Humor. I just thought if you guys thought that I was a lawyer, you might be proud of me. Jeffrey, we weren't proud of you when we thought you were a lawyer.
Really? Absolutely not. We don't care where you work, as long as you don't bother us. Well, I guess I won't be needing this anymore. Yay! |
SaturdayNightLive | album_recording_session_snl | What's up, y'all? my name is Young Spicy, and I'm a producer. I'm about to release my first album, Jalapeno Jones. Yeah, thanks for helping us out today. how you doing? hey, what's good, Spicy? Hey, so, basically, we just looking for a new producer tag for My Beat, So something kind of sexy and cool.
Yeah, so, for example, something like. Mike Willmaven. or this one? Maybach Music.
And we've heard you two have some beautiful voices, so we just need you to say something like, Young Spicy, So Fuego. Oh, yeah. can you do that? Okay, we got you, Mr. Spicy. All right, I'm gonna go ahead and start the Beat. you two take it away, and then let's get some lunch. take one. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. we'll give you some options.
Ooh, Young Spicy got that vibe in. Damn, Young Spicy's flaming hot.
Yeah, yeah, exactly like that. Yeah, keep that going.
Ooh, Young Spicy, you stupid. Ooh, Spicy can read. Damn, Spicy, you illiterate.
Okay, I love it, but just Fyi, I can read. I'm a reader.
Okay, all right, we got you, we got you. Okay. ooh, Spicy can read by his struggles with. All right, let's stop. let's stop, Actually. let's stop. I think we got it, man. let's get some lunch. Nope, no lunch, All right. So y'all remember the assignment, right? Yeah, we hear you. we're good. yeah, but we artists, you know, we just responding to the vibes.
Okay, let's do a different vibe then, Okay? maybe let's do something like, ooh, spicy, these beats nasty. Okay, get it out, I see you. Okay, all right. all right, cool. cool, cool. one more take, and then we all getting gyros. yeah, taziki sauce on us, all right? take two. Okay, so like, ooh, spicy, you filthy for this. exactly, yeah, let's get a couple more like that, Yeah. spicy, why you sleep next to your laundry? Ooh, spicy. Don't wash his pillows. his groves, Yeah. Sam, Spicy, you got that duck ring around your toilet. I'm uncomfortable here. Damn, spicy, you live like this? All right, let's stop, let's actually stop. Okay, ladies, I'm begging you. can y'all just say something like, ooh, the ladies love spicy, something like that?
Yeah, and after this take, I'm gonna give me a little hummus with the pita bread. Take three.
Okay, damn, spicy got me sweating. Yes, thank you, yeah, yeah. Ooh, I don't usually sweat like this, I'm scared. Damn, Spicy, Why the room's spinning all of a sudden? Damn, spicy, all I had was one Sprite, I shouldn't be feeling like that. Ooh, I think spicy put something in my D-d-d-d-d-d-drain. Sp-sp-sp-sp-spiciness To be on a watch list.
Hey, cut the track, cut that, cut that. And you know what, actually, let's just call it a day, I'm good. Okay, I mean, listen. whatever, right? I mean, what we gave it was Fuego. Yeah, you should just use the one about the ring around your toilet. for real. hey, Spicy, can I try one? bro, what? please? All right, all right. yeah, Spicy got that. Five. Okay, I like that. Yeah, yeah, Spicy got that E, okay? despite his struggles with his reading. no! we're helping this out today. how you doing? hey, what's good, Spicy? Hey, so basically, we just looking for a new producer tag for my beat, so something kind of sexy and cool. Yeah, so for example, something like. Mike Willmaven. or this one. Maybach music. and we've heard you two have some beautiful voices, so we just need you to say something like, Young Spicy, So Fuego. Okay, we got you, Mr. Spicy. All right, I'm gonna go ahead and start the beat. you two, take it away, and then let's get some lunch. Take one. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. we'll give you some options.
Ooh, Young Spicy got that. Five, Yeah. Damn, Young Spicy's flaming hot. Yeah, yeah, exactly like that. Yeah, keep that going.
Ooh, Young Spicy, you stupid. Ooh, Spicy can read. Damn, Spicy, you illiterate.
Okay, I love it, but just Fyi, I can read. I'ma read it.
Okay, all right, we got you, we got you. Okay. ooh, Spicy can read, but his struggles with. All right, let's stop. let's stop Actually. let's stop. I think we got it, man. let's get some lunch. Nope, no lunch, all right. So y'all remember the assignment, right?
Yeah, we hear you, we're good. yeah, but we artists, you know, we just respond to the vibes. Okay, let's do a different vibe then, okay? maybe let's do something like, ooh, spicy, these beats nasty. Okay, get it out, Okay, all right. all right, cool. one more take, and then we all getting gyros. yeah, taziki's also on us high. Take two.
Okay, so like, ooh, spicy, you filthy for this. exactly, yeah. let's get a couple more like that, Yeah. spicy, why you sleep next to your laundry? Ooh, spicy. Don't wash his pillows, his groves, Yeah. damn, spicy, you got that dark ring around your toilet. I'm uncomfortable here. Damn, spicy, you live like this?
All right, let's stop. let's actually stop.
No, no, no, no, no, no baby stuff.
No, like, spicy gets you hot. something like that. Okay. damn, spicy got me sweating.
Yes, thank you. Yeah, yeah.
Ooh, I don't usually sweat like this. I'm scared. Damn, Spicy, why the room's spinning all of a sudden? Damn, Spicy, how is one's pride? I shouldn't be feeling like that. Ooh, I think Spicy put something in my D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-ring. Sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-spiciness to be on a watch list.
Hey, cut the track, cut that, cut that intro. And you know what, actually, let's just call it a day.
I'm good. Okay, I mean, listen. whatever, right? I mean, what we gave it was Fuego. Yeah, you should just use the one about the ring around your toilet. For real. Hey, Spicy, can I try one? bro, what? please. All right, all right. yeah, spicy. got that. five. Okay, I like that. Yeah, yeah, Spicy got that E, okay? despite his struggles with his reading. no! |
dropout | adam_and_eve_in_the_friend_zone | Living in Paradise was just so stressful today. But you always know just what to do. I know we were just creative, but I feel like we've known each other forever. You know, like all seven days. I know, I'm just so comfortable around you.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you just said bye. Oh. Uh-oh.
Oh, this is all my fault. Listen, I'm so sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine. It just seemed like God wanted us to start the human race, so I was thinking that I'd do what God wanted to. I know, I'm sorry. If you think I led you on, I just don't see us like that.
But we're made for each other, so. Oh, that's so sweet. No, I mean, literally, you were made from a rib that was taken from me, so.
And that's why we make such good friends, and I don't think we should ruin that with sex. But we don't know what sex is yet. I mean, sex could be awesome, and I. But why take the risk?
Okay, hypothetically, let's say I'm the last man on Earth, then. I just got out of a really long relationship, and I want to keep my options open, because there's just.
Shut up. Hey, baby, I missed you. Oh, whatever, going over the tree knowledge. You coming? Sorry, we'll skip stones or something later, okay? Oh, yeah, no, no, no, I mean, I have tons of animals to name, too, so I'm gonna be super, super busy. Oh! Oh, bro, forget her.
We can fix this right now. Let me grab another one of those ribs. No, I'm fine. We'll make it work. Nope, totally cool. Cool. |
TheOnion | The_Last_Will_And_Testament_Of_Topical_Host_Leslie_Price_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_48 | Hello, topical listeners. I'm Leslie Price, and I have some sad breaking news for you today. If you're listening to this right now, it means that I am dead, and that my house cleaner Francis, who comes in once a month, has no doubt discovered my decaying corpse. I know this is unsettling for a lot of you, and you might be wondering how I died. Well, I am here today with one last story.
But first, one last ad from Cash App. The topical is presented by Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store. But it's more than just an app.
It's also a friend. Or maybe more than a friend? No. No, that would be crazy. We're just friends.
Unless Cash App feels the same way? Don't let passing up Cash App become the biggest regret of your life. Download today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code topical.
Well folks, I am not proud of it, but ever since OPR implemented a strict podcast from home policy, I've admittedly been going a little stir-crazy over here. And despite the citywide shelter-in-place mandates, I have, over the past few days, sought reprieve outside these four walls that I've been relegated to.
Sometimes for fresh air, sometimes to catch a movie, or grab a drink with some friends, but most often just to release some of the energy pent up inside me with a little exercise. Those of you who are familiar with Kunnalinga yoga know that it's an intensive, spiritual practice of the mind and body, and one that I've been practicing for many years on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and occasionally Wednesdays, and it pains me to say this week was no exception. Now for more advanced students such as myself, Kunnalinga also involves the practice of energy exchange by using the abdominal muscles to cough rejuvenating life forces directly into the mouth of your Kunnalinga partner. Now I know what you're thinking, a relaxing yoga class is the absolute last place you'd think you'd be in danger.
Needless to say, the email I received from my instructor Swami Derek came as quite a shock. Here's what he had to say. Namaste, Leslie. My physician has informed me that I have the disease that's going around right now, and I think the exceptionally powerful burst of energy I transferred into your mouth during our last session was also apparently full of negative, life-preventing vibes. I suggest two hours of intense meditation on your throat chakra. Once again, I apologize and wish you a speedy recovery. Oh, and please look over the terms of the liability waiver you signed in my no refunds policy. Thank you, Om Shanti, Swami Derek. So listener, there it is. I've contracted coronavirus, the disease I have tried to avoid through isolation for the past four days or so.
And as I see it, there are only two options now. I can either wait for my throat to dry up as I struggle to breathe until I inevitably drown in the fluid slowly building up in my lungs, or I can die like a man with my head in the oven. For me, the choice is clear. I choose to keep my dignity. But first, I have a few loose ends to tie up.
Hello? Hey Steve, it's Leslie. Is Debbie there?
Leslie, you know you're not allowed to call here anymore. Look Steve, I wouldn't be calling if it weren't important. I got some bad news concerning my health, and I just want to tell the mother of my children something.
It'll be quick, I promise. Hang on.
Hello? Debbie, is that you? Yes.
You're a terrible fucking person, and I hate you!
Ha ha! Oh yeah! Oh, that felt great! All right!
Just 33 more failed relationships to get closure on. After the break, I'll be giving away all my shit. Stay with me for one last time.
Hello, Mom?
I, Leslie Ann Price, being of sound mind, do hereby declare this to be my final will and testament. To my cousin Seamus, I leave this box of miscellaneous cords. May you have better luck figuring out what the hell they all go to than I ever did. To my assistant Jeannie, I leave my 15,000 bottles of hand sanitizer I was left with after Amazon banned me for price gouging. To my son, Travis, I leave to you my most cherished possession of all, my vendetta against the country of Finland. I've already written death threats to several high-profile individuals in your name to make the transfer of vengeance easier for you. And to the OPR merch store, I leave my collection of OPR tote bags, available for $39.99 each, and this blooper reel of the topical silliest news blunders.
The death toll is reported to be over nine people so far. Sorry, did you say nine, Remy? Oh my gosh! No, no, no, no, not nine! For a minute there, I was like, nine? That can't be right! No, sorry, a slip of the tongue, that's 900 people are in fact dead. Well, that's way different! Oh my God!
Ah yes, you'll be able to laugh along with your old pal Leslie long after I've been chopped into pieces and fed to sharks in the ocean as per my final wishes. And finally to you. Yes, you, all of my wonderful listeners out there. I leave for you the most precious gift of all, the final words of your friend and host, Leslie Price.
If this illness has taught me anything, it's that life is too short. Regretfully, I wasted most of mine dumbing down the news for a bunch of mouth-breathing imbeciles. Listener, consider this my dying wish, I beg of you. If you survive this pandemic, do not make the same mistake I did. Don't waste a single moment more of your precious life on podcasting. Podcasting, for God's sake! Can you imagine a less useful way to spend one's finite time on earth? What a fool I was!
No, do something that's actually fulfilling and do it for people who appreciate you. Not a bunch of spoiled morons crawling up your ass, whining for a new episode every time you try and take a day off. If you make it through this, listener, promise me you will throw your microphones into the nearest river and get out into the world. Take the hand of the one you love and go! Have unrecorded conversations and live, dammit! Live like no one is listening!
Because in reality, they probably aren't. Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? Is it easily treatable with an antibiotic and a newfound understanding of modern contraceptive techniques? If so, congratulations!
But for everything else, there's BetterHelp. BetterHelp assesses your needs and will match you with your own licensed professional therapist. Ever since my wife and kids decided to social distance themselves from me, I've been using BetterHelp to ease my sense of loneliness. And so far, it's really helping.
But don't take my word for it.
And after that first month, my family will return to me from upstate and we'll all be together again and everything will be back to normal and just how it should be. I just know it!
Well, that's it for me, listeners. Now all that is left to do is turn on the gas, stick my head under the broiler, and say goodbye. That's it for the topical today.
I was Leslie Price and... Hello?
Namaste, Leslie. It's Swami Derek. Namaste. Sorry, Swami Derek.
I'm a little busy at the moment. Leslie, I just wanted to apologize and let you know that there has been some confusion.
I do not have COVID-19. You don't? Yeah. Turns out it was syphilis. I have syphilis. Oh my god. Well, that that means I don't have it, right? Actually, you probably do because the painful sores I have on my mouth are very contagious.
I'm sorry for the confusion, Leslie. I'll let you know when classes start back up, okay?
Om shanti. Om shanti, Swami. Om shanti.
Oh my god. I don't have the coronavirus.
It's just syphilis. It's just syphilis!
Oh my god, this is the best news I've ever heard. I've got a new lease on life. I am a changed man. Things are gonna be different now. I'm gonna live the rest of this life the way it was meant to be lived. I'm finally gonna do all the things I've dreamed of doing.
I'm gonna travel. I'm gonna go on cruises. I mean, I've never even been to Europe. And damn it, I'm going. Spain, France, Italy, I want to see them all. And tickets are so cheap.
Oh folks, this calls for a celebration. The bars and restaurants might be closed, but Casa de Leslie is open for business, and I hear the bartender pours a strong margarita. I only have five cups though, so you'll all have to share, but that's okay. We're all friends here. So come one, come all. Everyone's invited.
Come see me off tonight because in the morning I fly to Rome for what is sure to be an adventure of a lifetime. Folks, I'm Leslie Price, and today is the first day of the rest of my life. I love you all.
It's just syphilis! Thing imbeciles.
Listener, consider this my dying wish, I beg of you. If you survive this pandemic, do not make the same mistake I did. Don't waste a single moment more of your precious life on podcasting. Ah, podcasting for God's sake. Can you imagine a less useful way to spend one's finite time on earth? What a fool I was. No, do something that's actually fulfilling, and do it for people who appreciate you. Not a bunch of spoiled morons crawling up your ass, whining for a new episode every time you try and take a day off. If you make it through this, listener, promise me you will throw your microphones into the nearest river and get out into the world. Take the hand of the one you love and go. Have unrecorded conversations and live, damn it, live like no one is listening.
Because in reality, they probably aren't. Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? Is it easily treatable with an antibiotic and a newfound understanding of modern contraceptive techniques? If so, congratulations.
But for everything else, there's BetterHelp. BetterHelp assesses your needs and will match you with your own licensed professional therapist. Ever since my wife and kids decided to social distance themselves from me, I've been using BetterHelp to ease my sense of loneliness. And so far, it's really helping.
But don't take my word for it.
And after that first month, my family will return to me from upstate and we'll all be together again and everything will be back to normal and just how it should be. I just know it.
Well, that's it for me, listeners. Now all that is left to do is turn on the gas, stick my head under the broiler, and say goodbye. That's it for the topical today.
I was Leslie Price and... Hello?
Namaste, Leslie. It's Swami Derek. Namaste. Sorry, Swami Derek.
I'm a little busy at the moment. Leslie, I just wanted to apologize and let you know that there has been some confusion.
I do not have COVID-19. You don't? Yeah, turns out it was syphilis. I have syphilis. Oh, my God. Well, that means I don't have it, right? Actually, you probably do because the painful sores I have on my mouth are very contagious.
I'm sorry for the confusion, Leslie. I'll let you know when classes start back up, okay?
Om shanti. Om shanti, Swami. Om shanti.
Oh, my God. I don't have the coronavirus. It's just syphilis. Oh, my God.
This is the best news I've ever heard. I've got a new lease on life. I am a changed man. Things are gonna be different now. I'm gonna live the rest of this life the way it was meant to be lived.
I'm finally gonna do all the things I've dreamed of doing. I'm gonna travel. I'm gonna go on cruises. I mean, I've never even been to Europe. And damn it, I'm going.
Spain, France, Italy. I want to see them all. And tickets are so cheap.
Folks, this calls for a celebration. The bars and restaurants might be closed, but Casa de Leslie is open for business, and I hear the bartender pours a strong margarita. I only have five cups, though, so you'll all have to share, but that's okay. We're all friends here. So come one, come all. Everyone's invited.
Come see me off tonight because in the morning I fly to Rome for what is sure to be an adventure of a lifetime. Folks, I'm Leslie Price, and today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I love you all! It's just syphilis! |
TheOnion | SPONSORED_Barbed_Wire_Industry_Protests_Negative_Portrayal_In_Evil_Within_Video_Game | Coming up, Michelle Obama promotes healthy living by eating an entire tree.
But first, a new video game is being criticized for its harsh portrayal of barbed wire. Here's GameBite's Caitlin Torres with more. Bethesda's The Evil Within is a nightmarish adventure that shows bloody and rusty barbed wire being used to hurt innocent people, which has angered the nation's barbed wire producers. Barbed wire is a positive force for good. It protects our junkyards from scrap metal thieves and helps keep our cattle ranches safe from rustlers. But Bethesda thinks it's okay to ignore all the benefits of barbed wire and make it look like some scary thing used by murderers. Barbed wire users around the country are outraged and are demanding an apology from the game maker. Look, I'm a bad guy because I use barbed wire now.
How am I supposed to keep you from climbing up my fence? What do you suggest, Bethesda?
You can wrap a bloody brain in anything. Rope, gauze, duct tape, silk scarves.
There ain't no reason to pick on barbed wire. Bethesda has scrambled to address the media firestorm. We have immense respect for barbed wire and never meant to insult this practical fencing material in any way. If anything, The Evil Within is an homage to barbed wire. I myself have many friends who use barbed wire. The designers have promised that the game will feature prominent messages extolling the virtues of the sharp steel fencing. But barbed wire groups say that it's too little too late.
If Bethesda wants to make this right, they should have the main character go behind a fence and then be safe from monsters because they can't climb over the barbed wire to get him. Now that's a game I would play. Let's hope Bethesda listens.
Thanks, Caitlin. Up next, Dan and scientists introduce the world's first solar-powered yogurt. |
cracked | stranger_things_stole_its_plot_from_wacko_conspiracy_theories_canonball | It's a karate kid. It's Arnold Schwarzenegger. And that's no coincidence.
According to the Stranger Things Show Bible, creators Matt and Ross Duffer have always seen their show as, quote, a love letter to Steven Spielberg and Stephen King in the same subtle way that Annie Wilkes writes a love letter to Paul Sheldon's legs. God, I love you. A show Bible is what creators use to pitch an idea to networks and streaming platforms. It's fun to study which tidbits eventually made it into the show and which were left out. For example, the Duffer brothers said that the 80s references, quote, must never overwhelm the story or characters.
Montauk refers to both a little resort town on Long Island, where the show was supposed to take place, and a very real, absolutely batshit conspiracy theory that makes QAnon look like a game of friggin' Wurdle. So let's get into the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that'll probably get us all on a government watch list just for thinking about it. We're talking brainwashed child armies, Jesus Christ blood donor, and aliens getting all clicky in the workplace. This is cannonball. After pouring over the show Bible and projecting a metric fuck ton of conspiracy theory videos into my impressionable brain, here are four full-on cuckoo bananas conspiracy theories that legions of weirdos actually believe baked right into the main plot of Stranger Things. Conspiracy number four, a government plot to develop an army of prepubescent super soldiers. The Montauk Project is the cursed offspring of two better-known conspiracy theories, both of which are name-checked in the show Bible, Project MK Ultra and The Philadelphia Experiment. The Philadelphia Experiment was popularized by a 1984 movie of the same name.
Weirdos who subscribed to this theory believe that the U.S. Navy successfully invisibilized one of their ships, the USS Eldridge, ever so briefly. But when it reappeared, some of the sailors had been grotesquely fused inside the walls of the ship. This wasn't supposed to happen Jimmy. Those who were left intact had scrambled brains thanks to the ship briefly blipping into a dimension in which time doesn't exist.
Well, all that stuff I told the doctors back there, you know about time in 1943, do you believe it? I'm sure they're fine now. Veterans have top-notch mental health support services.
Damn. Now that's bonkers, but somehow MK Ultra is way nuttier because it's actually completely real.
In the 1970s, Congress caught wind that the CIA had been conducting ill-advised mind control experiments for decades. The CIA, ever the empaths, had noticed prisoners of war coming back just a little worse for wear. The wokest hippies called this shell shock, and today we call it PTSD. But the United States government drew the conclusion that the Russians must have mastered mind control, and they won it in. The CIA recruited a bunch of Nazi torture specialists and spent at least $10 million dosing each other and unwitting civilians with enough LSD to make an elephant see God.
Again, that all really happened. God is an elephant. Er... OK, not that part.
Anyway, those two theories got it on and popped out the Montauk Project. The Montauk Project. This top secret experiment supposedly began when a group of MK Ultra researchers appealed to Congress to let them carry on with their most hair-brained and dangerous experiments. Picture Wile E. Coyote asking for a promotion. Congress rightfully told them to fuck right off, so they pitched it to the Department of Defense, who smashed that MF-like button and gave him $10 billion in stolen Nazi gold, where you or I might see a wasteland of paranoia and red string. The Duffer brothers saw profit. Right there in the Show Bible, they say, everyone loves a good conspiracy. We've seen the most well-known sensationalized on film and television many times before, but the Montauk Project remains untapped. And tap it, they did. Elle's mother is, canonically, an MK Ultra test subject. This directly caused her special abilities and all the other half-science, half-magic shenanigans that go on in this story. According to the Show Bible, the Montauk Project involved alien contact, time travel, telepathy, alternate dimensions, mutant monsters, and that's really just the tip of the iceberg. People also claimed the project was responsible for the Jersey Devil, the Men in Black, even the Internet.
Email. And I guess by extension, Mr. Bean NFTs.
But at the heart of the experiments, like Stranger Things itself, was kidnapped children and telekinesis. The government initially wanted to train kids to fly drones with their brains, but soon found out that with enough energy, they could manipulate the very fabric of space-time.
How do we know all this stuff about the Montauk Project? Thanks to dubious first-hand accounts from a small handful of con artists, the ringleader, this certified fucking weirdo named Preston Nichols, cracked the whole thing wide open when he broke into a secret lab, hiding in plain sight. And that brings us to conspiracy number three, a government black site hidden in a small town. In the show, the government does all its freaky shit here at the Hawkins Laboratory, smack in the middle of fictional cornfield USA. In real life, the government supposedly does its freakiest shit right out in the open, specifically in Montauk, a Long Island resort town not three hours from the Times Square M&M store.
Nichols' account goes something like this. As a lowly engineer at an electronics defense company, he worked with a group of psychics for some reason. He noticed their psychic powers would all kinda conk out at the same time every day. Determined to figure out the cause, he strapped a makeshift antenna to his car and followed a series of powerful signals straight to Montauk Air Force Base, aka Camp Hero. Just like Hawkins Lab in the show, Camp Hero in real life was built in World War II, expanded during the Cold War, and then sort of fell into disrepair in the decades that followed. At least, that's the official story. Nichols says that when he busted down the doors and started exploring, he began having strange flashbacks to all sorts of shady experiments. He then bumped into a homeless man who claimed to have worked there on clandestine military experiments, and oh yeah, he claimed Nichols himself also worked there. What are the odds? Nichols soon came to learn that he had essentially been severanced and was living two parallel lives, one as a low-level grunt, the other as a high-level psychic torturer at a government black site.
Couple questions. Does he get two 401Ks for that? And follow up, can I have one?
There are a few things we know about Camp Hero in real life, according to the locals. It's a generic government campus, hiding a vast underground labyrinth below, set in the middle of the woods, and inexplicably guarded by military police.
Its most recognizable feature, and the source of its most paranoid urban legends, is this gigantic radar dish perched at the top of one of its buildings. Stranger Things actually directly references the dish, with this field of suspicious satellite dishes on the top of Hawkins Lab. In real life, the dish was built to detect enemy warplanes during World War II, but the technology eventually became obsolete. If you're wondering why the US government would bother to maintain this spooky sci-fi mantelpiece, that's where the Philadelphia Experiment comes in.
According to this book, two of Nichols' time-traveling psychic cronies, Alfred Bialik and Duncan Cameron, claimed to have been on the USS Eldridge when it was invisibilized, but they jumped overboard at just the right time and landed in a wormhole. That wormhole was powered by none other than the big-ass dish at Camp Hero. They claimed they were jettisoned 40 years into the future. After they caught the next wormhole back to their time, they decided they had to shut down the Montauk Project for good.
But first, we need to explain who, in the show and in the conspiracy, is actually capable of this varsity-level telekinesis. It always seems to be precocious kids. Conspiracy number two, 11, is based on a very real, very weird dude. The show Bible explains that Elle was kidnapped from her mom, who, again, was an MKUltra test subject while she was pregnant. This, naturally, gave Elle a prenatal dose of psychedelic drugs and brain training, priming her to be an all-star telepath. Once again, this is remarkably similar to the Montauk Project conspiracy, which posits that the government recruited its psychedelic child army by kidnapping youths, specifically runaways and the children of drug addicts. Incredibly, several people in real life have come forward to say that they were part of the experiments. They even have a name for themselves, the Montauk Kids, which sounds more like a John Mulaney side project than a child army.
I stayed up late trying on clothes I already owned and I didn't prepare and I failed.
Now, these folks weren't actually kidnapped and brainwashed by the government as children. No, they were brainwashed by Nichols as adults. Nichols was a great storyteller and an even better grifter and made the rounds at various conspiracy conferences for years. He devised some fucked up deprogramming therapy for these former Montauk kids. He'd reportedly massage them while they unearthed their repressed memories until they reached, let's say, a thrilling climax. I told you it's fucked up.
He's dead now. Anyway, the first and most vocal Montauk kid was our old friend Duncan Cameron. The guy who jumped off the ship into a wormhole?
There's no doubt that this guy is the real life Eleven. Cameron, like Nichols, claimed to have begun uncovering repressed memories the moment he stepped into the bowels of Camp Hero, not unlike Eleven's frequent flashbacks. Furthermore, Cameron makes it clear that he was kind of the alpha brain jock. He was able to withstand severe mental and psychic torture, more than any of his peers, but would occasionally break down physically. Sounds a lot like Eleven's nosebleeds every time she flexes her brain pecs.
In the show, it's clear that there are at least 10 other kids who are raised and trained alongside Eleven. Hence, you know, her name. I'm math good. But Eleven is clearly Papa's favorite, just as Cameron is Nichols' favorite. That favoritism led to tragedy in Nichols' case, and we have good reason to believe the exact same thing happened to Elle as a kid. So let's look at the similarities.
Elle and Cameron are both at the top of their class of brainwashed, militarized youth. Elle is able to move shit around with her brain, while Cameron could actually kinda 3D print objects out of thin air just by thinking of them. Eleven had that dunk tank that seemed to enhance her powers, while Cameron described something he calls the Montauk chair.
Basically, an electric chair designed to tap into that hulking radar dish and zap him full of brain creatine. And there's one far more sinister thing they have in common. Both were compelled by their captor-slash-father figure to unleash a horrid evil into the world. Conspiracy number one.
A government mind control experiment summoned a hideous beast from a wormhole. For a while, this slimy little homunculus was the boogeyman of Stranger Things. We eventually learned that the Demogorgon broke out of his own dimension because of Eleven. She was on assignment one day, spying on the Russians in the Upside Down, when she saw this miserable creature. Papa instructed her to make contact, and when she did, the Demogorgon sliced through the space-time continuum to wreak havoc on Hawkins. Papa made El contact the Demogorgon, just like Nichols forced Cameron to summon the big, hairy beast.
Specifically, Nichols activated him by saying, quote, which was his Manchurian candidate trigger word that prompted him to create a thought form, which they called Junior. He's pregnant. And kids, never name your thought forms unless you're prepared to become emotionally attached.
Junior went on to kill all those NPCs while Nichols went and destroyed a bunch of computers. When the dirty work was done, Cameron tried to turn the beast off, but found he'd lost control. It took Nichols literally hacking the power cables to pieces with a hatchet to finally make the beast disappear. That's because the beast had been getting power-ups from the radar dish in the future!
The biggest nerds among you may recognize that as the exact plot of the 1984 film The Philadelphia Experiment. Well, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that. The movie, they claim, is about them.
For his part, Bialik denied it for years before changing his tune, presumably after a breakthrough signature Nichols massage session. In fact, Bialik and Cameron aren't just shipmates, they're brothers! How is that possible? What would the age difference and the fact that they're just not brothers? Well, Bialik says his dabbling in time travel has left him with a few odd side effects, including multiple names and birthdays.
Now let's talk wormholes. In the show, Elle's powers are often used to create portals to and from the upside down. The government uses those portals to spy on the Ruskies. The Demogorgon uses them to kidnap children. And it fucked this guy's pumpkin patch up something awful. It's not unimportant, but compared to the Montauk project, it's certainly not living up to its full potential. First of all, the theory contends that Montauk itself has been an interdimensional vortex for millennia. The idea of the gate being location-specific leaked into the show, too. The Russians develop the technology to create their own portal, but find out that they can't do it unless they're in Hawkins goddamn Indiana. Maybe the portal runs on corn, or like Midwestern emo vibes? But earthly warfare is small potatoes.
Nichols and Cameron have had all kinds of fun in that hole. Remember, Cameron used it like a time-traveling express bus to and from the USS Eldridge. Nichols once sent a guy on a mission back in time to murder Jesus, steal his blood, and then warp to a temple on Mars. We have right now the engine for a time device.
Nichols said it was also regularly used to forge a brain trust with aliens. The aliens didn't like me. He didn't work with them very often, but other specialists had a great working relationship with the greys. They could call me a playhead dog. The aliens would give them incredibly advanced technology, including that Montauk chair. And all they wanted in return was...
Oh, the dead bodies of human children. Yeah, the aliens found child cadavers especially nutritious. They wouldn't consume them, per se, but rather they'd make a slurry out of their bodies and soak in it like a big, gross sauna to absorb their hormones. Anyway, that's it. I hope you can still enjoy all the psychic child murder. Yes, sickos. |
dropout | midnight_talk_show_prank | Hello, I'm Josh from College Humor. I'm outside Dan Grewitch's apartment right now. Three weeks ago, Dan agreed to let us break into his apartment and force him to do a late, late talk show with a full band, special guests and all. I imagine he's forgotten by now. We have his keys thanks to his roommate, so let's go.
It's the late, late, late show with your host, Dan Grewitch. It's the late, late, late show with our host, Dan Grewitch.
Wait, what was that? Wait, let me get my glasses. You want me to read this? The late, late show is brought to you by New Stride Spark, flavor you can feel.
The worst idea I've ever had in my life. What's up with cloning, you guys? I don't know if you guys have heard about this. But all over the world, people be... Oh my God, I took a NyQuil earlier and I am drowsy as fuck. I mean, Tom Cruise, I heard he's making like 20 million a picture these days, right? I mean, I guys have been in a good movie since Vanilla Sky. I'll tell you guys what I was dreaming about. I was having a... I was paving a sidewalk and this kid kept stepping in where I was paving the sidewalk, and I couldn't see the kid's face, but I was getting really angry. What's the deal with that?
Tonight's guest is a very funny guy, one of the stars of 30 Rock.
Please welcome Scott Adson. Did you really get Scott Adson?
Oh my God! What's up? So... You have a cold. Yes, sorry.
This isn't the 30 Rock, right? It's been one of the... Yeah, right? It's been a Jordan episode, that was the documentary format. Are you guys, is it more fun shooting those different types of episodes? Yeah, it makes it interesting for us, although the audiences, I think, are split 50-50 with whether they like it or not. We get a lot of complaints that, like, oh, they're going live now, it's terrible, and they think that we're going to be going live forever. Right, right, right. Because I could feel like you're jumping the shark, but I think it's just a fun way to... This became really legitimate, you guys.
I have actual questions, even though I'm lying. I wouldn't call it legitimate, though. Can I tell you, you smell sick? Is that a chair? No, I don't know what that is, actually.
That was in my mom's house, and she didn't want it, so she gave it to me. In fact, most of the things in my apartment, you could say that about them. Is there someone in the other room? Glad to find out. The way I'm home each day, and I'm very excited to live here and have the neighbors.
I'm sorry, we're pregnant, our friend. I can't, yeah. What's the status? She just said it's a marching band at 2am on a Wednesday. It's hard to argue our point.
Thanks so much to my guest, Scott Asit. Scott, do you want some Stride Spark? Yes, I do. Do you?
My heart is beating really fast. I'm probably not going to be able to go back to bed for about an hour and a half, if at all tonight. And I'd say thanks, but I actually hate that this happened. Good night. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Beauty_And_The_Beast | True as it can be, both a little scared, neither one prepared, Beauty and the Beast. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll be looking at Disney's Beauty and the Beast, an enchanting animated feature that served as a milestone in the homosexual community for its empowering depiction of the subculture of larger, hairier gay men known as bears. Released in 1991, this powerful film helped galvanize a burgeoning movement among the nation's long-marginalized bears by teaching gay men the important lesson that a little bit of hair is no reason to be ashamed of yourself, and on the contrary, can be a source of identity and pride. Beauty and the Beast tells the story of an isolated gay man, who, because of his untraditional hairiness and husky build, feels alienated from the larger LGBT community. While the rest of the film's cast of slender and clean-shaven homosexuals enjoy themselves at the thriving gay bar scene in the nearby village, the titular beast, like many gay men in the 80s and 90s, sees his beard, belly, and body hair as a curse. Yet all of this changes when a girl named Belle stumbles into the beast's castle. With her slighter frame and aversion to her captor's hairy bulk, Belle is an obvious metaphor for a conventional gay man of the era, albeit depicted as a woman by Disney, to skirt contemporary cinematic taboos. It's moving to watch as Belle overcomes her narrow-minded conception of what a gay man should look like, and in turn, teaches him that there's nothing at odds between being a gay man and having a healthy appetite or culturing a set of rugged, masculine hobbies. For many homosexuals of the time, it sent the message that you don't have to be a skinny show queen like Lumiere or a muscular daddy like Gaston to be part of the homosexual community. You can just be yourself, as heavyset or hirsute as you want to be. Imagine being a thickly-built gay man watching the remarkable ballroom sequence in theaters for the first time. Never before have you seen a depiction of a nude physique like your own on screen, certainly not one that showed it as an enticing object of sexual desire. Yet the beast exits his bath and enters the ballroom fully confident in who he has become. Indeed, as Belle holds the beast in her arms, having become a veritable bear chaser herself, it's as if Disney is saying to stout and shaggy men everywhere, You're butch.
You're bearded. And you are just as deserving of the love of another man as anyone else.
Of course, Beauty and the Beast is just one in a long line of Disney films that blazed trails with their progressive depictions of those on society's sexual margins. Whether it was the interracial love represented in Lady and the Tramp, or that between the iconic polyamorous bisexuals in Snow White, these filmmakers have shown that discovering who you are and proudly accepting yourself is truly the best way to live happily ever after. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
SaturdayNightLive | nickelodeon_show_snl | Welcome to Behind the Slime, but look back at the history of Nickelodeon's iconic green Goo. I'm Nick Cannon, former star of all that. And I'm Mark Summers, former host of Double Dare, Super Sloppy Double Dare, and the ill-fated, dirty, nasty, hardcore Double Dare. America was introduced to new Nickelodeon's famous Slime on the Canadian Kids' Comedy show. you can't do that on television. green slime would rain down on anyone who said the phrase, I don't know.
But as you'll see, it took them a while to figure out the consistency. Heads up, this show was made in Canada, so those kids are white as hell. Okay, let's take a look.
Hey, Tracy. Oh, hey, Christina. you good at Rubik's Cube? not really.
I'm colorblind. wait, you're colorblind and your parents are divorced? No wonder you don't have a boyfriend.
Again, this was from 1980 when Tv was crazy. you know, I've always wondered, who exactly is this Rubik guy? huh. I don't know. ow! thanks God! that was, like, concrete. I can't believe you said. I don't know. oops. crap, the bucket. oh, geez, what was that? hey, sorry. little bastard kind of slipped out of my hands. yeah, slime's too damn thick. Fun fact,: that woman with the busted-ass haircut is Slime's creator, Becky Boggs. uh-huh. the early days also saw experimentation in the methods of sliming, as seen in this clip from another early episode. you're so damn funny, Suzanne Summers.
Oh, yeah, it's Mark. Mark, Mark, Summer. whatever.
Hey, Craig. hey, Marcy. you know, this Spider-man comics got me thinking. you'd be a good superhero. stuff's her bra woman. well, you could be my sidekick, The Incredible. nineteen. eight. uh, I prefer Super Craig. Oh, and what's Super Craig's Super Power? hmm, I don't know. I guess. Jesus Christ. looks like Super Craig's power's being slimed. Hey, what's happening?
Stop! Help me! Stop!
It feels like needles in my face. I'm sorry about that, little man. yeah, the issue is fixed, and it won't happen again. Please stop. we're begging you. Ah, well, this. this season's second-to-last episode showed a glimmer of the slime we know today. but there were still some issues to iron out. slime is one sticky business. ha ha, hell yeah. just like having 18 kids by 20 different women. I'm losing my head. Hey, Pat. hey, Matt. Jeez, what's wrong with you, Abby? are you on your period or something? nah, she's probably just upset, because she's adopted.
I mean, do I gotta say it? nineteen. eighty. I know, man. I have a question. are you dweebs ever not annoying? I don't know. okay. all right. all right. all right. it's kinda hard to breathe. I know.
I feel like you can stop soon. I wonder if it's done on me right now. is it okay to get. is it okay to get in your mouth? Go ahead. Stop. Probably. Stop Now? I feel like you got it at this point.
Oh, God. Please, Stop! Please! That episode of The Slime Time was shortened from six minutes to five seconds. uh-huh. stay tuned, after the break, we'll be joined by one of the Pete's from The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Spoiler, it's Pete. but not that one. not the one you're thinking about. Please, Stop. Stop. |
dropout | Oh_No_This_Restaurant_Is_Too_Fancy | Hi. Hey. How you doing? Good.
Have you been to this place before? No, but it's close to my office. The menu looks good online. Good evening. Welcome to Inverde Bay. Do you have a reservation?
No. Hmm. Okay. I'm not sure we have room for walk-ins, but let me check. It's only 5.30. I know. Oh no. Are we at a way too fancy restaurant? Okay. Hey. We can just go. Yeah.
Aha! I found a table that can accommodate the two of you. If you left now, it would reflect poorly. Huh? I said that your table's just on your left. Follow me. Maybe this place isn't that fancy.
Sorry. What was that last one? Oh. It was a floored shkrimshkar over roasted... Um.
That sounds delicious, but I think we're good. Yeah. We're good.
Can I get you started with anything to drink? Just water?
Sparkling or still? Excuse me? Sparkling or still?
Tap? Yeah. Of course. I'll be right back with your waters. Shoot. Tap isn't even one of the options. Okay.
Did you take a look at the menu? There's a $100 fixed menu, a $200 tasting menu, and the app's for $30. Crap. I think I was looking for lunch menu online. Would you ladies like anything else to drink?
Like a ghost. I'm so sorry to alarm.
We have a series of hand signals that we use here in the dining room to ensure that all of our guests are always attended to and that they have to heavily tip us. What? So that our guests are always attended to and they have a heavenly visit.
Oh. Okay. For a wine, what sort of flavor profile are you looking for? Try. Okay.
Do you prefer an earthier or maybe a fruitier profile? Earthy. Wonderful.
Well, then I would highly recommend one of the Chateau Boucastels for the barnyard aromas. Okay, and the Chateau Boucastel from 2012? Oh, $2012 is actually the price of that wine, madame.
Oh my god. And I see that you don't have glasses. It's only by the bottle. You will just do a cocktail. Yes. A cocktail. A cocktail for ladies?
Okay. Yeah. Yes. Okay.
Just a quick question about the ingredients. What is mandronato?
That is an herbal liqueur from Italy. Then what is the nosino? That is an herbal liqueur from Italy. So the amargina is the same? No. That is an herbal liqueur from Portugal.
Yeah, of course it is. I will take that. Excellent choice. Wow. I don't like that. Thank you. Honestly impressive. And I'll leave you two with the menus.
I feel like since we got here we have not had a moment to ourselves. We haven't.
This fancy restaurant is exhausting. Complimentary bread for the table.
Okay, good. Finally something we can eat. Oh. I don't mind if I do. Yum. Yes, here we go. Stop. Oh no. Okay. I'm fine. You know what?
I didn't eat mine. If I'm stressed out being here then I would be if we just left right now. I don't want to touch anything.
Let's just go. Let's just get the check. Yes, okay. The check. Here is your check. Oh, shut up.
She keeps doing that. Every table has voice recognition that gives us a shock to the neck every time a key word is muttered.
Your bill comes out to $52.02. Huh? You heard me correctly this time. That will be $52.02.
No.
Lily.
Come on. Lily. Come on.
It's a hashtag. Get your log on. It's a whole... There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_velma_comes_out_as_a_lesbian_artist_sells_urine_for_500_snl | Some doctors are worried about a new recommendation asking them to encourage middle-aged women to lose weight. Also, worried about women losing too much weight?
Black guys. the Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record's 62nd home run of the season. while over in Queens, Porta Potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division. In a new Scooby-doo Halloween special, the character Velma is openly depicted as a lesbian. Finally. she was openly depicted as a lesbian, which explains why Scooby is now a rescue pitbull.
Wednesday was National Coffee with a Cop Day. And something tells me cops like their coffee black with a couple of shots in it. My. God. a new skyscraper is being designed in San Francisco, featuring a clear glass cube on top that will appear to be floating. and then a week later appear to be covered in dead birds. This Tuesday was National Vodka Day. Oh, so that's why my dad called.
Hefty has introduced pumpkin spice into trash bags. And I gotta say, pumpkin spice into trash bags is probably the best slur for white people I've ever heard. |
dropout | john_stamos_guide_to_cuddling | Hi, I'm John Stamos, one of the most handsome men you could think of up the top of your head. Being a nodal authorial, people often ask me for sex advice, but guys, if you truly want to win over a woman, the real key is the cuddle. So as my gift to you, here are the techniques of my patented Stamos snuggle fest. You and your lady will probably want to start with a Stamos soother.
She lies next to you, her head resting on your chest. Not only will she feel protected, the pitter-patter of your heart will reassure her that you're still alive. From this position, she could kiss your neck, caress your gallant chest while you run your fingers through her raven hair.
Don't be afraid to use your fingernails. A good Stamos scalper will leave her relaxed and tingly. Next you'll want to move into the Stamos spoonful. It's a gentle way to show your lady what she has to look forward to later. Traditionally the man plays the role of the big spoon, but folks, it's 2011 and even the most feminine woman can feel equally at home spooning her man. And be careful not to let your arms get trapped beneath your special gall.
This is worse than death.
Instead, your inside arm can go behind you or above her head, while your outside arm is free to rest on her firm, yet tender belly. Hold her fragile hand, gently cup her perky breast, or well, the rest is up to you. Advanced cuddlers may want to try the Stamos swaddler. Nothing brings you closer to your lady, and if you sleep with your eyes open the Stamos way, you get to stare at her face all night long. You can also caress her leg with your foot, or allow your toes to intertwine doing an affectionate little Soulja Boy dance. Feel free to improvise. You can nuzzle noses, butterfly kiss, blow on or even gently nibble her ear. Perhaps the most important cuddle is the Stamos stuching her with your fingers, lightly running the tips or backs of your fingers along her tender curves.
You're like a cartographer of the female form. Your exploring fingers are like Lewis and that other guy, mapping the peaks and valleys of her body's terrain, traversing her every womanly crevasse and claiming it for your own.
With the right mix of affection and tenderness, my snuggle fest guarantees that your woman will stay most cozy. I guarantee it. That's right. |
SaturdayNightLive | charlie_rose_steve_jobs_saturday_night_live | From our studios in New York City, this is Charlie Rose. Hello, I'm Charlie Rose.
And for those of you curious about our theme music, it's this funky pop jazz number called Sedona Samba. Tonight, a tribute to the late Steve Jobs. the legendary founder of Apple died last week at the age of 56. we'll hear from his admirers in the world of technology and media on what the Steve Jobs legacy means. Joining me tonight, he is the founder of Facebook.com and a visionary of modern communication, Mark Zuckerberg. Look, I dressed up. very nice. she is a founder and editor of the Huffington Post, Ariana Huffington. Hello, Charlie.
I love what you haven't done with the place. she is the Ceo of the streaming media service Netflix, and the new offshoot, Quickster, Reed Hastings. Actually, we're not going to start Quickster anymore. we just announced that Netflix and Quickster are going to merge into one simple company called Netflix. let us know if the company makes any terrible decisions in the next hour.
I will. and we will. Finally, joining us from London, he is the founder and Ceo of News Corp and the world's oldest mean girl, Rupert Murdoch. I regret nothing. thank you all for being here. I am pleased to have you back at this table.
Steve Jobs. Yes. How are each of you influenced by Steve Jobs? Well, Mr. Jobs taught me that you could bring beauty to the world of technology. he wanted his products to be works of art that were both efficient and elegant. And how do you apply that elegance to Facebook.com? Oh, I don't. not at all. I mean, Facebook.com started off as a simple, user-friendly website, but now it's just a mess. it's covered in ads and invites from local bands to the bulletin board at an annoying coffee shop. you might say, Facebook has become cluttered. confusing. a jambalaya, Farmville updates, and vampire requests. indeed. Steve Jobs once said that people don't know what they like until you show it to them. So at Facebook, we show people things and they don't like them. Ariana Hutton, what did you learn from Steve Jobs? well, you know, Steve was completely hands-on with every component of Apple Computers.
And that's how you run Huffington Post. No, no. could you be serious? I've been to the Huffington Post office maybe ten or five times. the last time I went, everyone was like, who are you? and I was like, I'm your boss. and they were like, could you be serious? And I was like, I have to go. this place is disgusting. Apple Computers stood for one thing. innovation. Now, what does Huffington Post stand for? Like a million different things. politics, sports, weddings, Alec Baldwin articles, photos of boobies, health and fitness, complaints from Bill Maher, food and more boobies. Re-hastings.
Why aren't most Ceos like Steve Jobs? Well, what you have to understand is it's a lot easier not to be like Steve Jobs. I mean, he had great ideas. he worked incredibly hard and he never compromised. he set an annoyingly high standard of integrity.
I mean, it really is. Steve Jobs? it really is.
All right. these are fair to say: Netflix hasn't measured up to that standard. are you joking? No. no, we suck right now. I mean, Steve Jobs rejected several models of the iphone until his designers got it just right. that's integrity. Okay. we don't reject any ideas at Netflix. someone suggests something, even as a joke, you know, Boom. we do it. Okay? comparing Apple to Netflix is like comparing apples to oranges. especially if the oranges made so many mistakes that people stopped eating oranges and just went back to Blockbuster. excuse me for a second there.
All right. it's a nice center. It is.
Jobs set in this 2005 Stanford address that people can learn a lot from failure. You think that's true? Well, you know, I'm kind of in mid-failure right now, so it's hard to say. So do you have anything in common with Steve Jobs? Oh, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess we both wore bad jeans.
Also, Apple computers started in a garage, and pretty soon Netflix will have to move to a garage. in fact, actually, if anyone is renting their garage out, please let us know. we'd prefer one with no, you know, no cars parked in it. actually, you know what? we could use the hoods as desks, so cars are fine. Sorry. make sure you ask for the first three months up front.
Rupert Murdoch. what do you think when you hear the name Steve Jobs? Well, Charlie, as I said last week, I think of him as the greatest Ceo of our generation. Now, what do you think you and he have in common?
Nothing. absolutely nothing.
Steve Jobs used new media to make the world a better place, and I used old media to make it a much, much worse one, for example. For example, on the day Steve unveiled the iphone, I launched a new London tabloid called The Snooper. it just follows the celebrities going to the bathroom. I love it. So you could say that you and Steve Jobs are complete opposites. exactly. Steve Jobs made the ipad. it's $500 and opens up a world of information. I make the New York Post. it's 50 cents, and I dare you to find a false sentence in it. Steve Jobs saw the best in people, And you see people as animals. right, I was going to say slugs, but animals is all right. you recognise that his loss is a great one. Oh, no. who changed the world. it's like Jude Law said last week and a voicemail I hacked into. today's a sad day. Well, that's our show for the evening. tomorrow on the programme, Henry Kissinger and Brown Bunny Director Vincent Gallo. Not in separate interviews, both at the same time. I'm Charlie Rose. Goodbye, Steve Jobs, and thank you. |
dropout | your_crossfit_friends_hardly_working | So I says to her I say okay before you go farther. Why are you talking like this? Yeah, we just got back from the box hard one hard bod. I just did 6,000 burpees, and I feel great Dude that is not okay That's fine, I don't care Saying things are never gonna make this I Don't yeah, well, I don't care that you don't care first rule of crossfit always talk about crossfit It's not just an exercise.
It's a cult. I mean way of life. Did you say it's a cult yo em spot me One-footed Instagram to photos Instagram. Can you give me three three photos Instagram?
You guys just exercise without showing off. Nope Facebook tweeted read it. Oh Jesus. They're everywhere Oh You guys seem really sick and hurt Guys guys stop this is disturbing. I respect that you had this new hobby You're really excited about but you don't have to let it change your personalities wrong. Crossfit is not a hobby. It's a cult You said it's a cold said cult again. No, it's a hobby. It's the second time You've said it's a 50 penalty burpees trap the floor is covered in vomit. I'm not Crap, what are you doing? I don't know. There's just so much social pressure new crossfit But that doesn't mean you have to do it. It's actually a pretty good workout. You should try it sometime Not you too Crossfit Hey guys, I'm her from college humor click here to subscribe here to watch more videos or anywhere else you damn Well, please okay, don't let the government tell you where you can and cannot click. I've got some literature on the subject |
dropout | hardly_working_the_treasure_is_our_friendship | Oh my god, I found it! Oh my god.
According to the map, the Freemasons left the treasure in this room when the building was constructed. You guys, it's been a long journey, but it is about to pay off.
No. No!
Where's all the gold? The jewels, the rupees. I want rupees!
I think I get it. What if the treasure was the friendship that we gained along the way? The friendship is mine! Give it to me! Not a chance! I'm the most selfless person in this room and I deserve all the friendship, every last drop!
Have you guys lost your minds? Do you forget how far we've traveled to get here? How we all helped Dan solve Great Bear's riddle?
How much we bonded? Wait a minute, that's a pretty friendly disposition, Sarah. Yeah! Well, what are you two going to do about it, huh? I'm going to take all the friendship with me! See? I'm going to have so much friendship, I'm going to help my casual acquaintances move! How could you do this? I thought we were friends! So we're going to be?
You bitch! What are you laughing about?
You have to sleep sometime, baby, and as soon as you do, the friendship's going to be all mine! I'll be filthy rich in spirit! You don't even need the friendship, Pat! You already have all that love for humanity!
I ran out of that shit years ago.
You said we ran out of reason three days ago! You've been holding out on us! I'm sorry!
I needed it to solve the Great Bear's Riddle. Well, well, well. You've led me right to the friendship. Like mice in my maze.
Uh, uh, uh, not so fast. I think not.
Alright, Major von Strausenclab, you win. But just answer me one thing. Why? Isn't it obvious, Pat?
This is friendship. Something money can't buy. Um, now I don't have to. Au revoir.
I thought he was German. You guys, he's getting away with our friendship! If we work together, we can stop him!
Eh, I'd rather not. Yeah, me neither. Yeah, fuck you guys. away with our friendship, if we work together we can stop him! Eh, I'd rather not. Yeah, me neither. Yeah, fuck you guys. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_05_9_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Today is September the 5th and you are joined by myself, Clancy Overell, the unsinkable editor of large Errol Parker, how are you Errol? Mahalo Brownbeard, I'm doing good this week mate. And of course, the Samantha Armitage of the Diamantina Shire, without all the family genocide, Wendell Hussey. How are you mate, our news reader? I'm very well thank you Clancy.
Now let's get things started with political news and the big story of the week has been the Tamil family from Biloela. We exclusively broke the story about the official government line on that issue and that was, rules are rules, Dutton tells Tamil family with no ties to liberal donors or Crown Casino. Yes, it's a line Barnaby Joyce isn't towing, he's joined the other lefties like Alan Jones in calls to have the Biloela Tamil family, the asylum seekers stay. But as Dutton's pointed out, they don't have any connections to important people and therefore should be dropped off back to Colombo as soon as possible.
You know, they have shown that they are not Chinese high rollers or in fact southern European au pairs. Yeah, it's enough to make everyone at Channel 7's blood boil, isn't it Wendell? Yeah, Rahul, one of our readers from town did text in this week saying that the young family should all adopt blonde wigs, Swedish accents and a desire to become au pairs ahead of their court hearing if they want to stay in this country. Yes, there's a lot of different variations of the last name McLaughlin in South Australia, a lot of different families down there and a lot of big liberal donors, including AFL-CEO Gillan McLaughlin, who does have the power to whisper to Dutton, he is the Dutton whisperer, to see if these young family can get a go, because they've certainly been having a go, but they might not be the right colour for this particular government. Yeah, I think the promise of Australia only extends to people who look like ScoMo. Yeah, they should get in touch with Gill.
In other national news now, a man with 10 girls on the go demands complete and utter exclusivity. What was this one about, Wendell? That was about the bachelor, Matt Agnew, who is currently featuring in the popular reality TV show. He blew up at one of the women on the show because they might have been talking to someone else. Yeah, just classic male behaviour, isn't it? Who would have thought that an astrophysicist might not be that appealing to a duck-faced reality TV contestant? She's obviously much more interested in the roided-up gaffers currently getting around set. Well, to be honest, Matt is a fucking poon. Like, he is as poon as they come. Well, as we know, that is what works best in reality TV, so we look forward to the rest of the season. Yeah, there was a comment on that story online, which was received particularly well from Gavin McMullin, in a similar vein to what you were saying earlier, Errol.
And he said, look, she had a go, and in Australia, when you have a go, you get a go. So it's sad to see she didn't get a go and instead had to go.
Sounds like that could be applied to the Tamil family as well. Anyway, moving on, what else is in the news? Staying in national news, and an interesting piece of research has been released.
That was quality of produce at fruit markets judged solely on size of Old Maid's Greek Orthodox Cross. Yeah, this is one that you wrote, wasn't it, Clancy? Yes, yeah, no, it's a survey that was released earlier in the week, and what it did find was fruit and vegetables are best judged by the size of the Gold Cross buried in the chest hair of the blokes spruiking them to when at the fruit markets, and that was released by the Australian industry body Fruit, Eggs, Veggies, Oils, and Legumes Association, also known as Favola, as they found the bigger the cross, the fresher the fruit. Simple as that. But also other factors are brought in as well. Pinky rings, moustache, and of course, their ability to reverse a forklift backwards through a crowd of families at 20 to 30 kilometres an hour. Well, I hope the godless boys at Harris Farm take note, Clancy. Definitely. More crosses, more crosses. It really restores faith in the entire customer experience. Cross it up.
Back home in town now, and it was Father's Day this week past. Tracy Bendiger broke a story about something that happened on that day, and it resonated with a lot of people online. Dad visibly disappointed his family took the old don't get me anything literally. It's a bit of a sad story this one, Wendell. A local father named Trent Edwards said it's probably the first time his family have listened to him all year. Yeah, a cooked breakfast wouldn't have gone astray either, he told the reporters. Now, it really comes down to the old man here.
He says the same thing on his birthday. He says the same thing at Christmas. Says the same thing on Father's Day. So you can't really be upset at either one of those days, particularly Father's Day, which is the lesser of the three. That said, they don't listen to anything else he says.
So when it comes down to spending money on your old man, all ears. Yeah, look, I made short ass for my $50 super cheap auto gift card. Elsewhere around Batutah and another local man was left frustrated this week.
Girlfriend waits until doors are locked to say the Harry Potter stage play goes for 478 hours. Yeah, well, the Harry Potter stage play has just arrived here in Batutah and it goes for 478 hours, which in the old currency is about 19 days.
We managed to talk to one exhausted patron after he emerged after a couple days locked in the theater. He spoke to our reporter on the scene. He said that he thought his girlfriend was taking the piss when she said it goes for nearly three weeks. And in that time, no one could leave the theater.
Sounds like a bit of a siege scenario there. There are lots of pangs of the Russian thing that happened a few years ago. I don't think JK really meant to draw parallels to the Beslan school siege, but it seems like according to this bloke, it very much is the case.
Anyway, that's all for this week. Thanks for tuning in wherever you may be listening inside the Diamond Teenshire or outside of it. Be sure to join us again next week.
But until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Clancy Overall. And I'm Merrill Parker.
Por schnitzia! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Is_Back_Things_Are_Heating_Up_COVID_Karma_More_July_22 | One day, one day maybe. One day you'll get a start, one day you'll get a salary even. Yeah, that would be nice actually.
How's things going? Doing it tough, I'm fucking sick of mum and dad, I need to move out. Sorry mate, this is the game. Two little kids, two little kids and a fiance, it's hard work. Well mate, you'll miss them when they're gone. You're not getting anywhere with those violins you're playing either mate, so what's going on gentlemen?
Look, not a lot, it's good to be back here on the weekly after a couple of weeks off. This is actually the premiere podcast that we do each week, I think. It might not sound like it, but... No, it's just, it's much closer to the wire, you know, this is where you get the raw opinions and not the opinions of some washed up musician or some self-righteous sanctimonious politician. You ready for your fourth dose, Booster? Here comes a raw opinion.
I'm only having two, I mean, I got fucking blackmailed into getting the first two because, you know, you can't go to fucking Woolies if you don't have your fucking heebie-jeebie jabs, so fucking off I went and got it, but you know, they're not going to mandate fucking four so they can shove it up their arse. You won't be able to get your fifth if you don't get your fourth. Mate, I'm not getting it.
I mean, I've had it two times. There you go. There you go, well he's vaccinated on paper so that's all that matters. We've had nature's booster. Yeah, he's had it, he's had it twice.
Should we get into the news, Rap? Yeah, what's on?
Well, the biggest story this week was the return to form of a much-loved character and the headline reads like this, man who governed like Mr. Bean at the dentist has the hide to comment on trusting government. Ha-ha, Bean. Yes, this comes off the back of some champagne quotes offered up by our former prime minister this week. Yeah, and look, if you've tuned out from the political news cycle after the recent election campaign, which is fair enough because it was akin to having dog shit smeared in your face by a high school bully every day, Scott Morrison is back in the spotlight. He claimed that we can't trust the government at a sermon given at Margaret Court's Pentecostal Church this week. Which is an interesting comment from a man who is still in parliament and governed like Mr. Bean at the dentist when he was in charge. And if you aren't familiar with the fifth episode of Mr. Bean, the character played by Rowan Atkinson ends up making a scene after doing things like administering an aesthetic to a hapless dentist. Yes, it certainly raised some eyebrows, those comments from Scotty Bean.
But good to see him taking aim at the United Nations. I'm really enjoying this trajectory and I don't think we're far off queuing on Scotty. Yes, look, it's an exciting trajectory and something to keep an eye on.
Now we'll move on to an international story and Australians have agreed with England this week that 41 degrees is pretty fucking hot if you don't have a veranda. Yes, the climate change aided disasters that have plagued Australia for the last decade appear to be now unfolding in the Northern Hemisphere, causing chaos in countries not prepared for the extreme heat. And of course these emotive images from overseas have led Australians to share a nod of sympathy with our friends north of the equator for once. We usually make fun of them struggling in the heat but now it's actually hot enough for us to acknowledge that, you know, it's pretty fucking hot. Yes, obviously some graduates of the School of Hard Knocks and the University of Life like to point out that it gets to 41 degrees in Australia all the time. Which is fine if you have aircon or verandas, as this news article said, or a house that was built to take such scorching heat. The same way that Queenslanders like to act like the next ice age is coming whenever the mercury dips below 15 degrees because our homes just aren't built for it. But I guess, you know, a 41 degree day in London would be like a minus 10 degree day in Brisbane. As Blair Holden pointed out in the comments, it's the humidity that gets you. Always a very salient point.
Now some local news. A man who cried COVID to get out of work last week is now in the shit after catching it, for real. Errol, you spoke to this man. What was this story about? Yeah, so this young man, he used the excuse of COVID to get a week off work and, you know, obviously he did have to work from home as they do in these, you know, terrible yuppie jobs that don't really need to exist. And you know, now that he's come out of his COVID isolation period, he's tested positive. So that leaves him in a bit of a pickle because he has to tell his boss that he obviously can't come into work because he's got COVID, but he can't tell his boss he has COVID because he's just had COVID. So what are we thinking here? It's deep breaths on the phone, he starts talking long COVID.
I reckon it's got to be monkey pox. Monkey pox, yeah. Monkey pox makes sense.
But then you don't want to be tarred with the orgy brush in this town, I'll tell you what. I know, I was tarred with the orgy brush during my days working in Queensland State Parliament. And you know, the stigma of being involved in a Roman orgy, even in this day and age, still very prevalent. And I feel for anyone who does have the monkey pox because, you know, everywhere they go for the rest of their careers, professional lives and social lives, and family barbecues, they're going to be kind of people, you know, making comments about, you know, the fact that they like to get their kid off and fuck six people at a time, you know what I mean?
I just think we would have moved past it as a society. You know what I mean? We're getting so progressive on so many different things. I don't understand why that is still something that gets in the cards. Orgy shaming is, you know, I think we should have a plebiscite regarding Roman orgies. You know, just change perspective. All right, we will move on to some sports news to round out the week.
And Jacinda Ardern, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, is facing calls to resign after the All Blacks lost a series on home soil. Yes, they're officially in recession over in New Zealand. All of the dairies are shutting down and the kiwi juice export market is in a crisis right now after New Zealand was bounced by the Irish in three test series is unprecedented, especially at home. It's the first time the Kiwis have lost a home series for decades and it's caused chaos across the country. I think this is probably worse than a foot and mouth outbreak in New Zealand.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
It shuts everything down. Every male in that country would, you know, essentially be turned into an incel. They'd have to destroy all the sheep. I know that would cause chaos, you know, across the country.
You know, the stigma still remains, you know, around bestiality in New Zealand. And I think they've really got to do something to tackle that. That's probably not something we can do. And I think we'll kind of we'll leave that thought bubble there for the week.
Just a note, I am hearing out of New Zealand that Jacinda Ardern is apparently packing bags with about three or four hundred dollars worth of cash and is looking at going to the helicopter. She may be leaving the nation in the next 24 hours. Exile, exile to the Cook Islands with all the nation's cash. Yeah, or Brisbane or Gold Coast. Yeah, Goldie, GC baby. She's going to move to the Gold Coast and get a job in recruitment. Yeah, I don't know how far that three or four hundred New Zealand dollars will go when she gets here. But she's going to join a Kiwi show band. Yeah, play at the casino.
Yeah, so we'll try and keep you updated on that one. But that's all we've got time for this week. Hope you've enjoyed our wrap up of the week in use. We'll talk to you next time.
Bye bye. Hurrah. Ciao. You |
dropout | disarming_conversational_land_mines | Thanks again for inviting me to Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah, of course. Nobody should be alone on Thanksgiving. I'll introduce you to everybody. This is Uncle Dante, his wife, Aunt Tiffany, grandma, and granddad. Great meeting all of you guys. You have a lovely home.
Rafs told me, what are you doing? There's gonna be a lot of landmines in these conversations, and I'm gonna diffuse them. So, where's my favorite granddaughter? She said her boyfriend's this Thanksgiving, huh?
No child of mine would ever get away with that. I know you're not saying that we're bad parents. Is that what your momma trying to say? You're trying to say that we're bad parents? You see how your son turned out?
How was Sunday Mass, Grandma? Mass was wonderful.
Did anybody hear that beep? We should all go as a family next week. Oh, we prefer not to support an organization that covers sexual abuse. How about some football? You know, I still have all the newspaper clippings of Dante when he played in high school. Isn't that sweet? There's that beep again. I think I heard it that time.
Why is that boy kneeling during the national anthem? He's protesting. I don't care what the reason is. He should not be protesting his country's national anthem. He's not protesting the national anthem. He is protesting inequality. What is this? You do not desecrate the flag and the national anthem. That's just a total lack of respect.
Oh, no. Oh, no. This is why we need to make America great again. Trump! Oh, mama!
Everybody loves Oprah! Oh, now see, Oprah? Didn't I hear that Oprah was gonna run for president? Well, she certainly has my voice. See, that's what I'm talking about. Now you're talking. Listen, Oprah came to the wrong. She's solid gold. Everybody loves Oprah.
Thank you.
So much. Everybody get back 75 meters! Rap, leave him, he's a goner! I have the suit. Save yourself.
There's too many locks.
Do you understand? I tried. Is she a grandmother? No, no, no, no! I never loved her. You guys need help with the dishes? Hi, I'm Rap Dio from CollegeHumor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And click here to leave a detailed message.
Uh-huh. You what? I hada did the same thing. |
cracked | why_airbnb_is_terrible_cracked_explains | Hi, I'm Alex Schmidt, and once Airbnb ruins your city, your apartment might become a Triple X freak fest. In case you don't know what Airbnb is, it's a website where people can list their spare rooms or homes or apartments for short-term rental by other people along the lines of booking a hotel room. And in 2014, Ari Taemin rented out his Manhattan apartment to other people through Airbnb. When he happened to return to it later that night to pick up some luggage, he found condoms, liquor, his own flipped-over furniture, and internet-wide advertising for a $20 per entry or G. I mean $20 to enter.
Nope. Still bad phrasing. He got sex-bunkered, is the point. But let's handle the larger point. Phrasing again. Pushing through it.
Airbnb is a global monolith. Okay? It's completely unaccountable. It's ruining your city, and if things keep going the way they're going, Airbnb will put you at the risk of a freak-festing, whether you like it or not. Airbnb's grown so fast, you can barely call it growth. It's more like that part of the movie Independence Day, where the awesome part happens. Like a creepy, technologically advanced behemoth looming over every major city on earth, Airbnb arrived and went global before most people had ever heard of it. Really, according to a Pew Internet survey, more than half of Americans still haven't heard of Airbnb, even though it hosted 17 million guests in almost 200 countries last summer.
And its growth is relentless. As soon as a country opens its doors to capitalism, like Cuba started to last year, Airbnb is there to literally rent access to the country's doors. I don't think we've ever had a market grow as fast as Cuba.
Just like eBay changed the yard sale game, and Uber and Lyft changed the taxi game, Airbnb changed the shelter game, and all those companies self-described as members of the sharing economy. Many of them even believe they are heroes straight up saving the world by transacting online business. Airbnb co-founder Brian Chesky describes his company's impact as bringing the United Nations to every kitchen table. In his utopian vision, Airbnb's growth is a win-win for everyone on the planet.
But as Matt Iglesias pointed out in Slate, the sharing economy isn't built on sharing anything. It's built on paying for things. Online. That's not a big difference. And it's only nicer than the old economy, in the sense that it replaced humans who reject maxed-out credit cards with a maxed-out credit card-rejecting app that's a cute, vaginal rectangle.
Still, Airbnb changed the hotel business, and the real estate business, in two ways. Way number one, Airbnb is both a hotel business and a real estate empire. The competition has to be one or the other because of regulations. Way number two, by claiming to be a magical, share-sy unicorn instead of a hotel or landlord, Airbnb ducks the hotel and housing taxes, safety requirements, and accountability. Everything bad that can happen in an Airbnb has happened in an Airbnb.
Even the baddest bad thing. Death!
And you know about Airbnb deaths. If you've read that amazing medium piece about the writer's father's tragic death during their family's Airbnb stay. Or if you read about that time an Airbnb host died and the guest had to discover the body. Or that time an Airbnb guest just kinda found a dead body on the property. But you can't blame Airbnb for any Airbnb death.
They rent out hundreds of thousands of rooms worldwide year-round. On average, some deaths will be located in them. The traditional hotel industry has the same problem. Dozens of people die in hotels every year, from everything from carbon monoxide to fires to plain old old age. The difference is that a lot of those hotel deaths were disclosed by the hotels, because hotels are accountable.
Airbnb isn't accountable to anyone. They're not accountable because technically they facilitate temporary housing, rather than operating it. Legally, a homeowner has responsibilities, and someone renting a home has responsibilities.
Airbnb defines itself as a middleman, connecting those two people, like a much chiller version of that matchmaker from Mulan. That makes them a new kind of company, which gives them a competitive advantage, and since Airbnb doesn't want to lose that advantage, they fight every government's attempts to regulate chill Mulan matchmakers. For example, New York City was one of the first major Airbnb markets, and New York State's Attorney General put out a damning study of New York City's Airbnb listings. But it didn't come out until October of 2014. That's long after Airbnb, founded in 2008, set up shop in the Big Apple.
And the story's even worse across America.
Portland finally started regulating Airbnb in 2014, Los Angeles started drafting Airbnb regulations in 2015, and Airbnb worked out a loosening of those mostly unenforced anyway regulations in exchange for a hotel tax deal with the city. Also the LA-encircled city of West Hollywood banned Airbnb, but West Hollywood's Steve Bynes for breaking the ban haven't slowed down the tide of renters there. Chicago started considering Airbnb regulations this year, and Airbnb hired lobbyists to blanket local media with ads attacking Mayor Rahm Emanuel. I would say to Mayor Emanuel to leave the little guy alone. They pushed the ads on a scale Chicagoans hadn't seen outside of election campaigning, and they negotiated with the city so aggressively, the mayor's office called Airbnb bullies and threatened to cut off talks. Airbnb smacked down San Francisco's city government even harder. SF got around to regulating Airbnb in 2015 with a renter registry, and only after Airbnb'd spent 8 million dollars lobbying to make those regulations toothless. As of last year, only a few hundred Airbnb renters were registered with the city of San Francisco like they're legally supposed to be. And why would they? Because failing to make Airbnb stop listing those unregistered apartments. Bottom line, if you're an American, your city either started regulating Airbnb about seven years too late, or hasn't regulated it at all, and your federal government's even further behind. A couple of Democratic senators said the U.S. government should start to regulate Airbnb a couple weeks ago.
The European Union started thinking about Airbnb regulations this summer, and while they did nothing, Berlin mostly banned it, Barcelona recently fined Airbnb and is considering a ban, Iceland's about to regulate it much more heavily, Paris encourages residents to rat out their neighbors for legal Airbnb hosting, as if that'll help, and outside the EU, Airbnb's facing everything from a shutdown of 95% of their listings in Taipei, to legal challenges across Australia, and a shutdown of its alleged party houses outside Sydney, to a proposed Japanese law that would make almost all Airbnb rentals illegal nationwide. But again, all that regulation is recent. For the past seven or eight years, Airbnb has been self-regulating. Also, today's Airbnb fights those governments with hired Airbnb lobbyists, but tomorrow they might incite your neighbors into doing it for them. Airbnb is founding home-sharing clubs for its renters, in cities worldwide. They're aiming to have them in a hundred cities by the end of this year. And the company says the clubs are organic, but the company also hired over a hundred mobilization team members and digital engagement experts to pump them up, while coordinating them through an Airbnb supervised online forum.
And when it comes to tackling the garden-variety awful stuff, regulations should prevent. Airbnb problems only get fixed once those problems, at best, ruin someone's fun vacation. Airbnb didn't just change the accountability game by avoiding it. They flipped the old model, the one that protected your safety, and switched it to a model where things get fixed after you get broken. As venture capitalist Nick Grossman has pointed out, the traditional regulatory model is based on a lot of earned accountability up front, followed by looser oversight afterward. So somebody running a hotel might get lazy down the line. You know, they might not quite keep a bed or two clean, or might leave a dead body or two in their water tank for a week or two, or three, or a lot. But the old system forces hotel owners to prove they're capable of running a decent hotel up front. It also allows for future inspections to keep them on point.
But sharing economy companies like Uber and Airbnb want a lot of drivers and hosts, they can't start making money without that. So they let anyone sign up and start driving slash hosting, then do the accountability part later on. And all the accountability comes down to reviews. That means Airbnb can only improve the renting experience after the renting experience is terrible for somebody and gets reviewed poorly. And that system fails because bad Airbnb reviews are incredibly rare. Boston University studied Airbnb ratings and found that 95% of listings got a review of 4.5 stars or 5 stars. Perfect rating or close to. You see the same thing with Airbnb's sharing economy buddy, Uber.
A driver gets booted out of that system for a rating of 4.6 because the company knows overall driver ratings are really generous. And all those people handing out nothing but perfect scores, like some kind of, oh, Captain My Captain teacher who doesn't believe in grades, man, probably mean well. The people behind that BU study say that when we rate other people, we are more charitable. That sometimes when we're rating a service, we're actually rating the person.
And when somebody helps us crash in their place, we feel weird being picky about that, even if we're paying them money. But then that creates a world where as far as bad Airbnb experiences go, you're actually better off if your Airbnb experience is so bad, it's national news. When that guy in Manhattan got triple X freak-fested, Airbnb immediately provided him with a locksmith and a week of hotel accommodations and thousands of dollars in damages. But in every other case, Airbnb relies on bad ratings, a thing none of us are psychologically capable of giving them to hold renters accountable.
So nothing gets fixed. It's like living in a world where the fire department only responds to carrier pigeons.
Your living situation is screwed, unless you're real specific and weird. Also speaking of screwed apartments.
Airbnb rents nightly rooms. So does a hotel. But the big question isn't whether Airbnb is killing hotels. Sure, they might be. Airbnb has the footprint of four Marriott hotel chains put together. They've got the bandwidth to destroy the hotel industry. However, in 2014, Airbnb's founder said as far as hotels go, quote, we are not seeking to go to war. However, that same year, he used his girlfriend's photo sharing app to publicly post a love note reading, quote, fuck hotels. And last year, when Airbnb was fighting with the city of San Francisco, they ran such creepy, cruel anti-hotel ads all over town, Airbnb ended up apologizing for it to their own employees. But unless you're one of America's most powerful hotel magnates, or the next president of these United States, you don't care if Airbnb kills hotels.
Why should you?
What you should care about is whether Airbnb makes neighborhoods unaffordable. Because Airbnb is letting a handful of people eat up the entire housing market in America's biggest cities. Places to live cost money. Specifically, they cost what people will pay. And since running an Airbnb is profitable, people will pay a lot of money for an apartment you could have made your home if they can turn it into a room of their personal secret distributed hotel.
And the law isn't stopping that, even if it ought to.
In 2014, New York state found that 72% of all Airbnb listings in New York City were breaking the law. Mainly hotel related laws that also impact the commercial ownership of heaps of Airbnb's. People becoming entrepreneurs and renting one to a hundred apartments claiming that they're their own homes and turning them into ongoing illegal hotel arrangements. In fact, the Attorney General's report found while only 6% of Airbnb hosts advertise three or more listings, they account for more than a third of Airbnb's business in New York. And it's a lot of business. From 2011 to 2013, the city's top 40 hosts on Airbnb made over $400,000 a piece for a combined total of 35 million bucks. One individual renter managed 272 properties and made $6.8 million in less than five years. Now you could say Airbnb isn't directly responsible for any of these commercial renders. You know, their platform allows this to happen, incredibly profitably. But they're not aiding and abetting these people, except for how they are doing that. Less than a year ago, Airbnb self-reported the New York City data and said 99% of their NYC listings are people renting out their own home.
But then they were forced to admit that they quietly removed 1500 commercial listings from that data set before generating that percentage because it would have made that percentage lower. Like hella lower, man.
Also those commercial renters signed right back up for Airbnb's service. And commercial Airbnb rentals aren't just taking over New York. In many LA neighborhoods, Airbnb rentals are now 4-7% of all housing units. And it's estimated that 35% of all Southern California Airbnb revenue goes to people renting more than one unit. San Francisco is already short on housing, which is part of why it's the country's most expensive place to live. Thanks to commercial Airbnb hosts, we know hundreds and possibly thousands of San Francisco housing units are now secret hotel rooms instead of homes. The moment Airbnb became a phenomenon, literally every landlord on Earth faced a choice. Rent to one person at a monthly rate, or rent to nightly internet strangers and make more money, either totally legally or with less illegal maneuvering than it takes to steal Game of Thrones. Even the city of San Francisco, which wants to convince landlords to not be digital hotel tycoons, admits they can make what they'd make from a year-round tenant in just 257 days of Airbnb renting. And they'll hit that number in a big appealing city like SF. And since landlords like income, you see stories about people like Chris Butler, who was evicted after 10 years of living in his San Francisco apartment, allegedly because his landlord's spouse needed to live there. Butler then found the unit listed on Airbnb and more than double the per night rent he was paying. You also find stories about landlords who allegedly hopped on the vacation rental gravy train by evicting disabled tenants.
And the more Airbnb grows, the more cities' supplies of regular housing shrink. The more the housing supply shrinks, the more housing prices rise. It happens everywhere from big cities like New York to little cities like Marfa, Texas, where Airbnb rentals help more than double housing prices in just 13 years.
So very quietly, all over the world. Local residents are watching their city give them that speech from the departed.
And don't make more fucking money. This is America. You don't make money. You're a fucking douchebag. Now what you gonna do?
And the scariest thing is that Airbnb is the cause of, and solution to, and worsening cause of, that problem. Maybe you're an Airbnb host already.
If you are, you're probably one of thousands of regular people who are trying to stay in their homes. Financially, it really helps my family. Rents here have skyrocketed in the 10 years that we've been here. That cost hike is hitting America's whole middle class. And they aren't making the extra salary they need to keep up with it. But probably are making enough of a salary to let them rent or own a decent home.
The kind of home that makes for a nice Airbnb listing. But Airbnb is a big part of why urban housing prices are rising. It's not the only factor. Gentrification is the most famous one. There are also wealthy foreigners buying up housing all over. From Chinese buyers in Canada and Australia, to Russian buyers in the UK, to South American buyers in South Florida. But Airbnb's gig economy creates a systematized housing price hike for every neighborhood on Earth. Which means you need extra income to keep living there. And unless you can multiplicity yourself into a few extra jobs, your best option for an extra income stream to fix the problem Airbnb created is renting on Airbnb.
And that's even more of a problem if you experience day to day prejudice. The sharing economy is a perfect platform for existing prejudices and racism. Because Airbnb renters and guests are judged by their face and potentially ethnic names. Studies find black hosts and guests have a demonstrably harder time on Airbnb. Same goes for the LGBT community. Fair housing laws can't protect Airbnb renters from nutty afraid people. And to Airbnb's credit, they just hired Eric Holder, our most recent ex-US attorney general to work on that diversity problem.
What a get.
But you have to wonder if Airbnb's hoping he finds a solution that's regulation free. Or a solution that doesn't force them to change the fundamentals of their service. Because if Airbnb is anything like Uber, it might not see their service's negative impact as something they're responsible for fixing.
Look what Uber CEO Travis Kalanick said on national television, you guys, about Uber's plan to switch over to self-driving cars. Google's doing the driverless thing. Tesla's doing the driverless thing. Apple's doing the driverless thing.
This is going to be the world. And so the question for a tech company is, do you want to be part of the future? Or do you want to resist the future? And his answer to a question about driverless cars is driverless. Because in its unavoidable, inevitable, unstoppable world which specific companies are building super on purpose, human beings are chips that will fall where they may.
Don't get me wrong, the people behind Airbnb probably aren't evil. If anything, they're tangibly good. All three of Airbnb's founders promise to donate more than half their personal wealth to charity in their lifetimes. But when the source of those founders' wealth is reshaping our cities and kicking more and more of us out of them, will Airbnb help us all continue to, you know, belong? Or will they see it like Uber sees the driverless thing, a sweeping trend that somebody else would have wrecked the world real estate market with any way?
I hope he doesn't think of that. He probably hadn't until I, until I brought it up, so I'm sorry Abe.
Hey, thank you so much for watching. Please like and subscribe and build YouTube things.
In the comments, let us know if I can stay with you. I could use a place and I, you know, between staying in hotels and trying to hang out places I just, I like meeting people.
Liv, thanks to Commercial Airbnb House. We know hundreds and possibly thousands of San Francisco housing units are now secret hotel rooms instead of homes. The moment Airbnb became a phenomenon, literally every landlord on earth faced a choice. Rent to one person at a monthly rate, or rent to nightly internet strangers and make more money, either totally legally or with less illegal maneuvering than it takes to steal Game of Thrones. Even the city of San Francisco, which wants to convince landlords to not be digital hotel tycoons, admits they can make what they'd make from a year-round tenant in just two hundred fifty-seven days of Airbnb renting. And they'll hit that number in a big appealing city like SF. And since landlords like income, you see stories about people like Chris Butler, who was evicted after ten years of living in his San Francisco apartment, allegedly because his landlord spouse needed to live there. Butler then found the unit listed on Airbnb and more than double the per night rent he was paying. You also find stories about landlords who allegedly hopped on the vacation rental gravy train by evicting disabled tenants.
And the more Airbnb grows, the more cities supplies a regular housing shrink. The more the housing supply shrinks, the more housing prices rise. It happens everywhere, from big cities like New York to little cities like Marfa, Texas, where Airbnb rentals help more than double housing prices in just thirteen years.
So very quietly, all over the world, local residents are watching their city give them that speech from the departed. And they'll make more fucking money. This is America.
You don't make money. You're a fucking douchebag. Now what you gonna do?
The scariest thing is that Airbnb is the cause of, and solution to, and worsening cause of that problem. Maybe you're an Airbnb host already. If you are, you're probably one of thousands of regular people who are trying to stay in their homes. Financially, it really helps my family. Rents here have skyrocketed in the ten years that we've been here. That cost hike is hitting America's whole middle class, and they aren't making the extra salary they need to keep up with it. But probably are making enough of a salary to let them rent or own a decent home. It's a kind of home that makes for a nice Airbnb listing. But Airbnb is a big part of why urban housing prices are rising. It's not the only factor, gentrification is the most famous one. There are also wealthy foreigners buying up housing all over. From Chinese buyers in Canada and Australia, to Russian buyers in the UK, to South American buyers in South Florida. But Airbnb's gig economy creates a systematized housing price hike for every neighborhood on Earth. Which means you need extra income to keep living there. But unless you can multiplicity yourself into a few extra jobs, your best option for an extra income stream to fix the problem Airbnb created is renting on Airbnb.
And that's even more of a problem if you experience day to day prejudice. The sharing economy is a perfect platform for our existing prejudices and racism. Because Airbnb renters and guests are judged by their face and potentially ethnic names. Studies find black hosts and guests have a demonstrably harder time on Airbnb. Same goes for the LGBT community. Other housing laws can't protect Airbnb renters from nutty afraid people. And to Airbnb's credit, they just hired Eric Holder, our most recent ex-US attorney general, to work on that diversity problem.
What a gap.
But you have to wonder if Airbnb's hoping he finds a solution that's regulation free or a solution that doesn't force them to change the fundamentals of their service. Because if Airbnb is anything like Uber, it might not see their service's negative impact as something they're responsible for fixing.
Like what Uber's CEO Travis Kalanick said on national television about Uber's plan to switch over to self-driving cars. Google's doing the driverless thing, Tesla's doing the driverless thing, Apple's doing the driverless thing. This is going to be the world. And so the question for a tech company is, do you want to be part of the future or do you want to resist the future? Even his answer to a question about driverless cars is driverless. Because in his unavoidable, inevitable, unstoppable world, which specific companies are building super on purpose, human beings are chips that will fall where they may.
Don't get me wrong, the people behind Airbnb probably aren't evil. If anything, they're tangibly good. All three of Airbnb's founders promise to donate more than half their personal wealth to charity in their lifetimes. But when the source of those founders' wealth is reshaping our cities and kicking more and more of us out of them, will Airbnb help us all continue to, you know, belong?
Or will they see it like Ubersy is the driverless thing, a sweeping trend that somebody else would have racked the world real estate market with anyway? So why feel guilty about spearheading it and cashing in and letting a stranger, independent stay freak-fest the White House, metaphorically? Unless Trump rents out one of the bedrooms. Or all the bedrooms.
I hope he doesn't think of that. He probably hadn't until I, until I brought it up, so uh, I'm sorry Abe.
Hey! Thank you so much for watching. Please like and subscribe and tell the YouTube things.
In the comments, let us know if I can stay with you. I could use a place, and I, you know, between staying in hotels and trying to hang out places I just like meeting people. |
CrackerMilk | if_harry_potter_was_australian | Have a look at this, Gary! Have a look at this! What is it, Jono? Have a look at this!
You ready? Yeah, yeah! Good on you, Jono. What? You should have got a spec save, isn't you dear? Does that what the bloody glasses are for, Gary? Alright?
I've got some news for you, mate. I've got some bloody news for you. So big it'll be on Channel 9 and ABC2. Wow. SBS as well? Bloody oath it'll be on SBS, mate.
I was in my bloody room. A bloody giant man walks in. I was 12 years old the other day. Did Uncle Larry walk in?
Lazza doesn't come into my room anymore, Gary. I told you not to bring it up, alright?
Since you've been on the 4X, you... What did I say about making 4X jokes, Gary? You get a bit like a silly... 4X gold is the best beer to hit the town, alright?
It's safe, it's secure, and it's there for me.
Unlike you, Gary. So why don't you lay off? Sorry, Jono. Why don't you bloody bugger off sometimes, alright? Sorry.
Now, I need a bloody list of things to go to wizarding school, okay? I need some bloody... I need a bloody pet. A bird. Kookaburra, preferably. But they want me to get a bloody owl, okay? I need a broomstick of some sort. And I also need some potions, alright?
You got some bloody goon over there, Jono. Gary, you know as good as I do that that is not bloody goon unless it's in a bloody casket and that is for sure in bottles, alright? So why don't you back off? It's still piss, Jono. Mate, I'm going to bloody put you in a casket, pour piss out of you!
You focusing, Gary? You focusing?
Yep, yep. One, two. Three, four. Yeah, head, shoulders. Head, shoulders. Knees and toes.
You're bloody on it today, mate. I tell you why. Thanks, Jono. I'm going to blow your noggin off your shoulders, though. How are you going to do that? I'm going to perform a magic trick for you, mate. You didn't think I was a wizard? I'll prove it to you, mate. Mate? What are you going to do? Use my magic wand, of course.
What? Jono, that's... That's just a bloody zooba-doopa.
No, it isn't, mate. Can I have some? No, Gary, you're not eating my magic wand, alright? Get real. Sorry, it's a hot day, Jono. Yeah, I know it is, alright? We'll go to the beach later. Did you bring your towel? No, can I use yours? Gary. Yes, alright? Doesn't matter, though, okay?
I'm going to perform the best magic trick. You'll love it. You'll bloody love it, Gary.
What is it? See that couch over there? Yeah.
I'm going to make Dame Edna appear right by that couch. Dame Edna? Yeah, Dame Edna. I'm really excited. I know you love the Dame Edna. Oh, shit on me nana, Jono. You know I love Dame Edna.
Settle down, alright? If you kick this up, I'll take you to Woolies. I'll cut you up. I'll put you in a cheese and bacon roll. I'll sell you for $3.50 for a six pack. Do you want that?
No, I'm sorry. No, you didn't. Sorry, Jono.
Yeah, exactly. Sorry. Alright, just relax. Okay? Sorry. You ready?
Yeah, Jono, yeah. Dame Edna Potato. Blame Toto Chigato. What? Jono, um.
Gary, don't look behind. Jono, you've just left your bloody bananas on the couch again, Jono. Gary, my nannies. You're fucking nannies, Jono. |
dropout | very_mary_kate_evaluations | Go.
Mary Kate, class is over. Don't rush me. I'm finishing up your teacher evaluation for...
Hey! Those are supposed to be anonymous! Please, who else dots their eyes with glue and glitter?
Does the instructor allow room for questions? The instructor allows room for nothing because he takes up all the room because he is room-sized. This is awkward. Is the instructor fair with criticism? If by fair you mean fat and by criticism you mean fat, then yes, he is fat with fat. Ehhhhh... Is the instructor helpful overall? No, overall the instructor is a hippo in a super men's warehouse?
Listen, I might be wrong about that. What is it? Macy's? Sears? You know what?
I think it's time to fill out your student evaluation. I think you should do that on your own time. Is the student respectful of NYU property?
The student sniffs our glue. Hey, this is my glue. I brought this glue from home.
Does the student work well with others? The student uses others as slaves. Can I take a break now? The rest don't talk. Does the student display a strong understanding of the material?
The student only ever displays her fingernails! What are you talking about? Why do you hold your hands like that? Because my nails are always wet. How would you describe the student's performance?
The student has never performed well at anything in her life. She is a terrible actress.
Fatso. Brat. Large butt. Junkie. Captain Cake! Idiot!
What's happening? You're making noises?
Do you want to clean that up? You want to fix that situation here? Okay, look, have a wipe. Have a wipe of that with this.
Thank you. You're right. I am an idiot. Don't say that. But you just said that. Yeah, that's right. Leave it to me.
At this rate, I'll never be smart. I'll have to stay in college forever.
Oh, hey, I just remembered. You are smart. I is? Yep. See? All positive marks. Thank you. What just happened?
I may not be a lot of things that, Professor, but the one thing I'm not not is a great actress. It's a double negative. That's a double chin.
Oh, barf. Hey, lady friend. How'd you find me here? Oh, you butt dialed me, remember? That explains nothing. Sure does. I had my private investigator trace the call, and then I just popped on over in my helicopter, and I stashed my parachute in your laundry room. |
dropout | donatello_gets_screwed | We don't hang out enough, man. We need to hang out more.
Okay, Master Splinter. Let go, please. You smell extra berries. Raphael, you're very cool. But you can also be crude, like time-utificated, on Rocksteady's face. That would be a good example of a crudeness on your part. That dude was asking for it.
Oh, I know. I know. He totally was. Totally.
Anyway, here is your red mask and these sides. They are basically glorified gardening tools. So, you know, go nuts. Thank you, Master Splinter. Right back at you. Michelangelo, you are one serious party dude. Cowabunga! Yo, remember that time we picked up those two school chicks and had that insane interspecies oji? Radical! Yo, we got to do that shit again real soon. Anyways, orange mask and nunchucks. Alright, that's it for ceremony.
Let's get something to eat. I'm starving. Yeah, pizza.
Yeah, we don't get that often. Splinter, what about me? What? Oh, shit. I totally forgot about you. Don't tell me.
Georgia O'Keeffe. It's Donatello. That doesn't sound right. I named all of you after great Renaissance artists. Georgia O'Keeffe wasn't a Renaissance artist. She painted flower vaginas.
What's my specialty? I don't know. You can do machines, right? I guess so. I don't really know what that means. Then it's settled, nerd. You do machines. Now what's the ETA on those pizzas? Wait, what about my mask and weapon? Fine.
I should have eaten you when I had the chance. Bingo! Okay, poke a couple of holes in that diaper and slap it on your face. Instant mask.
This doesn't feel right. You'll get used to it. Now grab that stick out of that pile of shit. No, I don't want to. Hurry up or your new name will be a shit stick. Good.
Now come on. It's your turn to give me my sponge bath. Again? How come it's always my turn?
Master Splinter, shredder in the footclanner destroying the city. Can't you see I'm busy? You're a ninja now, so why don't you go do some machines and handle it yourself, fuck stick. |
cracked | 10_terrifying_implications_of_the_matrix_universe_after_hours | So doctors say it's nothing, but I still feel this shooting pain in my Blood when I wake up starting from then and then continuing every day or the Matrix trilogy Really that's all it takes Dan. We've got a choice We could either take a red pill and embrace the gritty reality of what is certainly a brain tumor in your head skull Or we can pop a blue And linger a while longer in the fantasy realm where everything's fine and Keanu Reeves is kung fu super Jesus. I know kung fu Plus notice that I already used a matrix themed analogy We really shouldn't change conversation topics mid-data stream. Great. Okay, so the Merovinge Isn't that the guy that shows up once and you think he's gonna be important and then he just like leaves forever No, wrong. Just trust me. Okay, the matrix trilogy is like a Magic eye picture when you first look at it It seems like this revolutionary new visual effect that's gonna change everything and then you see two more and it's like this is just a bunch Of multicolored crap cut out at random.
I hate this. What is that a dolphin? Stupid.
Oh, oh, oh Yeah, then if you stare hard enough and look through the movies you see some of the coolest missed opportunities in movie conspiracy history And coolest of all is mine about the Merovinge Terrible just direct. So the Merovinge isn't just some horny French stereotype wrapped up in a psychic douchebag. It's all an act It's like wiping your ass with silk. I love it He is secretly the most powerful character in the matrix more powerful than neo than the Oracle than the architect probably the most powerful character in The world outside of that swarm of robot cockroaches that make up the chubby baby face Yeah, that's the leader of the machines. Its name is literally deus ex machina. Terrible. Just direct Maybe it's the two we're talking but I am intrigued evidence. The Merovingian is said to be like neo. He was so different He was like you he's basically a the one that survived one of the matrix reboots that the architect talks about and he can control The code he even controls the keymaker and the train man Just so so many forgettable characters in those movies and don't forget that his henchmen are previous Iterations of the agents from a version of the matrix back when the architect was super into white guy dreads We are getting aggravated It is weird that he's keeping the keymaker prisoner and the architect and the Oracle aren't making shutting down his little Club orgy number one priority.
Yes. Exactly.
The keymaker is basically your computer's keychain It's the program that has the passwords for all the other programs and the train man is your computer's Electro train plus that bar you mentioned. It's literally called hell and his wife's name is Persephone He's basically just Hades god of the underworld I know but the Merovingian has all this unchecked power and all these supposedly defunct is still totally functioning Exiled programs in his employ plus the only people that are ever concerned or oppose him are the actual rebel humans That's because I think he is secretly the architect He's admin, but instead of sitting in a white room all by himself dresses the colonel saying yes I am the one I am the master of all of this He's named himself after a big French dynasty and a god and he hangs out all day in a sex dungeon that he owns Sounds to me like that's the guy in charge. Wow and the Persephone myth works perfectly I mean in Greek mythology The only reason that there's winter is because Hades kidnaps Persephone and takes her down into the underworld a couple months out of the year in the matrix trilogy There's this apocalyptic winter and the turning point only happens when Persephone leaves the Merovingian and then helps the heroes find the keymaker I mean in escaping hell Persephone brings about summer for all of the humans in Zion neat now is the winter of our disconnect You know I always assume that the humans that choose to stay in the matrix at the end of revolutions or the inhabitants of Springfield Oh, wow, not even an attempt at a segue think about it at the very end of matrix rev Most of the humans go live in Zion But some of them choose to stay plugged in and they'll get to choose later on whether they want to get unplugged So the machines would be low on battery power. So you'd have to make a new matrix That's lower res fewer fingers to animate not a lot of clothing changes Just a small town to hold the current inhabitants of the matrix. Boom Simpsons universe that explains why Springfield is magically in every state No and how they stay up to speed with the times in terms of technology and celebrities Even though no one ever ages the machines are keeping them acclimated in case they ever do decide to check out I mean, there are a lot of matrix likes glitches like plot contradictions and straight-up magic I've done everything the Bible says even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff and also I guess if you are told that you're living in a delusional fantasy world and you choose to stay there Then you are the type of crappy person that wouldn't have it Springfield It explains all the homers amazing jobs and the adventures everyone's always going on Those are incentives to keep people re-upping. They're the matrix subscription.
I don't buy it There's just not enough hard evidence. The Simpsons would ever enter the real world Erotic cakes Halloween specials aren't canon. That's a story within a story.
Oh my god It's so obvious the matrix is nested inception wise in a reverse machine matrix Okay. Now that's tumor talk hear me out. We know that neo is revealed to be a program Yeah, if the director's cut of blade rudder taught us anything It's that also origami and we also know that humans would be terrible as batteries Right. We all saw that future on episode when the matrix first came out It seemed like the single cremeus laziest most awful dim-witted idea in the entire history of science fiction Plus the problem is that 1% of the people you put in the matrix naturally reject it Why don't you kill them and clone some of the 99% that don't it's not that hard robot You Right, but what is something that we do routinely put to sleep or in screen saver mode? Something that we're worried would rise up against us something that we would naturally create safeguards against Llamas don't be a dramatic Daniel. So computers go to sleep.
What are you trying to say?
What are you trying to say that the whole matrix trilogy is just a simulation that the machines are experiencing? Yes, exactly that It's just what the architects said It was a system where a road program will inevitably rise up and reset everything only the whole thing is the matrix Zion Machine City the matrix It's all taking place inside the minds of the machines every frame of that trilogy is taking place inside a matrix that humans built To keep the robots busy. It's a heat sink interesting That was quicker than the others so it turns out the androids dream of the matrix trilogy To give them Something to do something to make them feel dominant so they don't need to rise up imagine a future But we want to build these super intelligent machines and we want to use them But we fear that they're going to rise up and destroy us because we've been raised on movies that tell us that is definitely going to happen This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. So what do we do? Give them a fictional war to fight against superhumans inside their heads one that allowed them to exercise their desire For independence with a fantasy and what better way to make them believe this fantasy than to make them think they came up with it in The first place that's why everything in the matrix has a real-world equivalent in the animatrix Which the Wachowskis wrote the first real robot city was called zero one like Zion Coincidence or a clue that the makers of the machine matrix took pains to borrow from the real world to better sell their ruse Inception rules I get it plus in binary zero one has no useful meaning It's basically saying that the robots would name their city after something that has a no value. I'm just making sense Machines even have their own the one agent smith is the avatar of all their unrest and hatred and desire to rebel That gets out of control and forces another reboot just like neo did for the humans Oh, but they make that deal at the end of revolutions when all the machines just wake up after the war All right The Oracle says the peace will last as long as it can just how long do you think this peace is going to last? As long as it can implying that it won't forever in the machines minds that small batch of humans that chose to stay in the matrix Probably multiplies until they resemble their former numbers and then a whole nother war that strangely resembles the last one starts again What is that if not a system reboot? It's just like the architects said but reverse and pointed at the robots just so humans of the future can live without the fear that They're toasters and self-driving cars and self-guided missiles won't get uppity and there is nothing you can do to stop it It's all destined fake everything that happens in the matrix and in Zion is all baked and Helped with programs like the Merovingian and the Oracle. I love candy the actual Administrator is probably some human we never seen in the movies that actually explains Why the king of the robots looks like a chubby computer programmer then who is the architect? I am the architect Maybe he's just a subroutine there to make sure that neo does the right thing Challenge agent Smith in front of all the machines and the damn six machina to remind the machines that humans are deserving of life and noble It's like a little morality play We threw it at the end to further endear ourselves to our blenders There's ample evidence in all the movies to support the idea that Zion is fake There's a kid character in Zion with the real name Michael Karl Popper an obvious reference to Karl Popper the philosopher who famously Distanced himself from Descartes by positing that there are three spheres of existence and not two So the matrix the world where Zion takes place and what's the third sphere? I say that it is the real world the real real world the world in which the matrix trilogy exists Okay, I've got one trinity another three reference loves Alice in Wonderland And that is a story about a world within a world that is itself a fictive work in our real world Okay, yeah, I've got one too neo is a program that can exist outside of the matrix implying that the outside world is actually a program Oh, I don't have one But is this conversation making anyone else worried that this might not be real?
I'm kind of freaking out, you know, like what if this diner is a fabricated reality? Oh the brain and a vet theory Brain that's scary calm down. Don't be a dramatic Daniel What if this is all just like a dream or something or some kind of web series getting more and more meta by the second?
Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay Row row row your bow gently down the stream merrily merrily merrily merrily life is real That's how I remember that song ending too Oh Shut up the Merovingian. Oh, never mind I take it back tumor tumor me probably cuz somebody said in the middle of it.
Are we gonna get that? Program Yeah, a system with a road program that will inevitably rise up to Matrix and they called it |
Wizards_with_Guns | 3000_years_in_the_future_the_history_channel_finds_your_room_ | Lost relics of the ancient world 3,000 years ago. Using a state-of-the-art rover, archaeologists from Habover University have breached the silence of a long-sealed chamber in the ruins of a site researchers have aptly named Go Bucky Tumbo.
Keep going.
Wait. Wait, what's that? What mysteries of the old world lie buried by time? Right there. Move there.
What they discovered may perhaps change our understanding of antiquity forever. My God. This civilization was far more advanced than any of our original notions. An empire dedicated to the arts, to the divine, but also to the sciences. The researchers have uncovered a scroll, what may be a diploma of high academic achievement. These people, the breadth of their study, they may have unlocked knowledge greater than we possibly could have imagined, perhaps greater than the library of Alexandria. I believe we're looking at some sort of canned food or meat. They had brilliant techniques of preservation. These people didn't waste a thing.
Idols suggesting a deep and devout religious fervor. They had a complex system of belief, a polytheistic pantheon. There was a trickster deity, a god of science, demigods even, men made from iron. There were at least three iron men. We're still having trouble translating their hieroglyphics. Their language was so complex.
The terms goon or jelq, these are both nouns, verbs, sometimes adjectives used in everyday speech, yet their meanings lost to time. Perhaps terms of affection. I goon you. Have a nice jelq.
Many ancient tablets revealed mystic secrets. Tablets of roku, of kindle, of amazon fire. These were the spells they would cast in their time. Of course what we now call science.
This sock is perfectly fossilized. Some mysteries remain unsolved. The apple was certainly confusing. We theorize either it was lightly cooked on the top to increase its flavor or it was used in an incense burning ritual to speak with spirits on the other side. Either way it was perfectly preserved, just like this flower.
A warrior culture, one of bravery and litigious acumen. One folk hero by the name of Saul, they would invoke him or call upon Saul's name in times of dire need. That's Dobby from Harry Potter. Their entire class system was centered around the hoarding of symbolic totems or trinkets. Essentially they would wear their money on their shoes. This man was clearly a king.
I feel like we have only just scratched the surface. We have so much to learn from our ancient past.
What's wrong? It's not responding.
Some secrets remain hidden, but others will soon see the light of discovery. Unfortunately the rover suffered a catastrophic failure when its treads got stuck on a busty anime mouse pad and it spun into a fragile yet structurally significant cup of baja blast. We gotta get in there. Luckily it captured one final image and it is breathtaking. Have a nice jelq. Perhaps greater than the library of Alexandria. This is Dobby from Harry Potter. |
dropout | every_7_seconds_mannequin | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible, right?
Come on out and show me. I'm sure you look great. What do you think? Well, I mean, I think you look, uh, I'm sorry, you, you look great. You hesitated. I knew it. I look gross. If you look gross, I would... Hello.
Are you staring at that girl over there? And he didn't see that lady, her?
No. Whatever. I get it. You hit the dress. I'm gonna change and then we're leaving. I don't want to be here anymore. Stop shimmying. Hold up.
Is that bitch flirting with you? Hey, you got something to say? Oh, this is not good.
I don't like when some other woman is staring at my man. Ladies, let's, let's just calm down, okay? I'm not staring at your man.
Oh, so what? You got better taste than me or something? Sure, it's a little plum. You know what? Just spank it, all right? You two just spank it right now. Oh, ew, what?
No, stop it, stop it. Diane, this is such a big mistake. You're the wrong woman.
Oh, it's on. Oh, let's do it right now. What a weirdo. Want to grab dinner? Yeah, okay. |
cracked | 5_cool_action_hero_moves_that_look_idiotic_in_real_life_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and people watching this a hundred years in the future welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien, and you've probably heard that real life isn't like the movies Thanks to careful framing and apple boxes actors appear six inches taller on screen than they are in reality guns are far more lively and harder to silence Without editing and sound design every sex scene you've ever seen would be one long continuous fart There are some events that are so common as movie tropes and rare in reality It's almost shocking to see how gloriously hard reality fails to live up to our expectations When an action movie breaks out in front of these guys They immediately turn into the stelloniest of Schwarzenegger's fighting the knife-wielding madman off and taking out the trash Seagull style action movies prepared them for that part where it gets tricky It's how to celebrate in the silent aftermath of the most awesome thing they have and presumably will ever do Movies are mixed on the proper way to celebrate that there's the standard near inhuman levels of stowess I'm like walking away from a car explosion in slow motion with your bro while making sure not to touch hands That'd be weird But being all no big whoop seems kind of unnatural and honestly a little homophobic your veins are pumping nature's blue meth testosterone and adrenaline your biggest concern is avoiding what your grandpa calls sissy behavior or Those things lonely men did for each other in the war that your grandma can never understand Confusingly action movies great more everyday achievements like completing another successful run on the beach or congratulating each other for having cool arms with excessive celebrations that are indistinguishable from the 15 seconds immediately before a hardcore gay porn devolves into Boners jamming into boners. I think is how it's done. Well, what's that slapping sound then? Anyway movies have sent these guys mixed messages and you can see every single one of them fighting for primacy and the awkward Glory of their celebration. It's like every quarterbacks failed touchdown celebration and every Christmas morning Super Nintendo freak out combined One failed high-five and that is the true white man's burden to do awesome stuff infrequently enough to have no coherent exit strategy So they do what we've been doing for years when asked to dance spazz the fuck out Clinging to the roof of a speeding car in movies is how you let people know that you mean business now whether your business is time-travel action abortions or stopping Nazis from delivering a mythical super weapon to Adolf Hitler or being a Teen wolf you don't jump on top of a speeding car and ride it into traffic unless you plan on dangle fighting your way inside We're doing a Beach Boys themed men's gymnastics floor routine teen wolf is really fucking this up for me as it turns out most cars don't have convenient rooftop handlebars in case an action movie breaks out other drivers were slowing down to Watching anxiously to see what would happen man. Every aspect of that guy's body language is just incorrect first He's just kind of slouching back Like he's waiting for a chance to voice a polite complaint about the trunks lack of seat belts He was just going like this on the back of the car laying back You know He was just laying back on the car and we're like that's like 50 miles an hour It must just be really hard to steady yourself in that position without looking like you're trying to get up from a reclining chair with a case Of explosive diarrhea the cruise family says they saw the man on the back of the car break the back windshield and climb inside They say a woman was driving the car with the child in a car seat Authorities got several calls but troopers say by the time they arrived the car was gone and right now They don't have much to go on and that's how little real cops want to do with dangling from the top of a speeding car Authorities think the driver and person on the back of the car know each other, but they can't be sure They're just like yeah, they probably know each other. It's a real problem It'll escalate to a shoot out of the dockyard or a construction site by the climax We don't want to get in the way of the plot In both rise and dawn of the planets of the ape when the monkeys finally decide they've had it with our bullshit It's a foregone conclusion that we're doomed helps that San Francisco inexplicably has just a hopeless amount of monkeys But we let it slide because deep down we all know It's only a matter of time animals are gonna get tired of having their neighborhoods chopped down and their friends run over by our speeding nature submarines and Rise up like a bunch of furry Spartacus's Sparta cute cues Sparta sees Sparta Kai Sparta Kai, I don't think that word was ever meant to be plural pooping and movies animal uprisings are awesome and frightening and in reality They're actually still sort of terrifying but adorable as You think there'd be no such thing as a hopeless amount of rabbits and you might still think that after watching this video of an island In Japan known as rabbit island because what the fuck else would you call that? Here's what those terrifying videos of tsunamis would look like if the tsunami was made of ducks Adorable right, but what have we really learned nature is more than capable of putting together an overwhelming swarm of animals Just a bit confused when it comes to the right deployment strategy That is unless they're only letting us see the terrifying military drills of their most adorable animals Sure, anchovies aren't the most threatening sea creature that could swarm up from the depths But there's something unnerving about how they politely grant those divers a wide berth Well completely encircling them with their eerily opaque and perfectly coordinated swarm It's almost like there's an anchovy down there shouting hold hold When the police raid a place in the movies 37 people end up getting punched into body casts There's a tense firefight in a drug lab Somebody gets thrown out a window Jeff Daniels explodes and everything is pure chaos You'll notice a distinct lack of Jeff Daniels explosions as a SWAT team bursts in to break up a 25 year old man's game of counter strike I think we're getting swatted This is actually a common prank among online gamers called swatting basically disgruntled gamers or viewers with a damaged understanding of what constitutes a friendly joke calling a bomb threat or some other high-level security risk and The SWAT team shows up and assaults the person they're watching play video games in real time Maybe even accidentally shoot them Who knows the fact that I know that has not enriched my life in any meaningful way nor do I suspect it will enrich yours? But it must be included for the record-setting speed these cops go from well We're coming in hot boys expecting bombs or ninjas or Osama bin Laden who knows We've seen movies It's gonna be awesome to just completely out of their element and confused and vaguely aware that there's a 12 year old somewhere Just laughing his ass off at them Car choices are like the runway models of movie tropes cool in theory fun to look at but you're always kind of surprised when they're Not boring and at least a little dumb now occasionally a bat tumbler or bullet time comes along and shakes things up But for the most part you have to drive a tank out of an exploding plane or give Michael Bay a humvee in San Francisco just to feel alive and both of those are very stupid things to do Russia staying true to their national policy of not giving one hammered shit what the rest of the world thinks has produced a car chase that Manages to up the ante for all future movie car chases while failing to contain one instance of anything traditionally regarded as cool Perhaps the best part of this video is the complete lack of context for what we're even seeing I mean We have no idea why this guy is pursuing this minivan with the single-minded purpose of a police detective Chasing his partner's killer we arrive on the scene of a crime in progress and a third car long after both parties have decided to Settle this thing like gentlemen who are willing to kill other people with their cars after thousands of movie car chases It's actually kind of illuminating to see one where nobody can answer the two questions that I would probably have in a car chase What do you do if the guy being chased keeps stopping and then speeding off and you don't want to dent your car and more importantly? How do you like win a car chase in movies the hero always manages to just make the bad guy lose control of his car over a cliff Or flip into a paddy wagon or whatever is most dramatically convenient in reality You drive like bullet for five miles only to slip zanily off a luxury family car and get beaten with a shovel Russians it's probably just another Hilariously ineffective yet aberrably persistent attempted vehicular homicide caught on video and presumably aired on the popular Russian TV show of the same man Thanks for watching Whatever that was hope you liked it Please subscribe to our YouTube channel and click like if you didn't know that that was a possibility And in the comments if you could list maybe your 10 favorite videos from cracked and we'll make a playlist for you Well making sure not to touch hands said be weird But being all no big whoop seems kind of unnatural and honestly a little homophobic your veins are pumping nature's blue meth testosterone and adrenaline your biggest concern is avoiding what your grandpa calls sissy behavior or Those things lonely men did for each other in the war that your grandma can never understand Confusingly action movies great more everyday achievements like completing another successful run on the beach or congratulating each other for having cool arms with excessive celebrations that are indistinguishable from the 15 seconds immediately before a hardcore gay porn devolves into Boners jamming into boners. I think is how it's done Well, what's that slapping sound then? Anyway movies have sent these guys mixed messages and you can see every single one of them fighting for primacy and the awkward Glory of their celebration. It's like every quarterbacks failed touchdown celebration and every Christmas morning Super Nintendo freak out combined and one failed high five and that is the true white man's burden to do awesome stuff Infrequently enough to have no coherent exit strategy So they do what we've been doing for years when asked to dance spazz the fuck out Clinging to the roof of a speeding car and movies is how you let people know that you mean business now whether your business is time travel action abortions or stopping Nazis from delivering a mythical super weapon to Adolf Hitler or Being a teen wolf you don't jump on top of a speeding car and ride it into traffic unless you plan on dangle fighting your way inside We're doing a Beach Boys themed men's gymnastics floor routine teen wolf is really fucking this up for me as it turns out most cars don't have Convenient rooftop handlebars in case an action movie breaks out other drivers were slowing down to watching anxiously to see what would happen Man, every aspect of that guy's body language is just incorrect first He's just kind of slouching back Like he's waiting for a chance to voice a polite complaint about the trunks lack of seat belts He was just going like this on the back of the car laying back You know, he was just laying back on the car and we're like that's like 50 miles an hour Let's just be really hard to steady yourself in that position without looking like you're trying to get up from a reclining chair with a case Of explosive diarrhea the Cruz family says they saw the man on the back of the car break the back Windshield and climb inside they say a woman was driving the car with the child in a car seat Authorities got several calls but troopers say by the time they arrived the car was gone and right now They don't have much to go on and that's how little real cops want to do with dangling from the top of a speeding car Authorities think the driver and person on the back of the car know each other, but they can't be sure they're just like Yeah, they probably know each other It's a real problem that'll escalate to a shootout in the dockyard or a construction site by the climax We don't want to get in the way of the plot In both rise and dawn of the planets of the ape when the monkeys finally decide they've had it with our bullshit It's a foregone conclusion that we're doomed.
It helps that San Francisco inexplicably has just a hopeless amount of monkeys But we let it slide because deep down we all know it's only a matter of time animals are gonna get tired of having their neighborhoods chopped down and their friends run over by our speeding nature submarines and Rise up like a bunch of furry Spartacus's Sparta cute cues Sparta sees Sparta Kai Sparta Kai that I don't think that word was ever meant to be plural Point being in movies animal uprisings are awesome and frightening and in reality They're actually still sort of terrifying but adorable as you think there'd be no such thing as a hopeless amount of rabbits And you might still think that after watching this video of an island in Japan known as rabbit island because what the fuck else? Would you call that here's what those terrifying videos of tsunamis would look like if the tsunami was made of ducks Adorable right, but what have we really learned nature is more than capable of putting together an overwhelming swarm of animals Just a bit confused when it comes to the right deployment strategy that is unless they're only letting us see the terrifying military drills of their most Adorable animals sure anchovies aren't the most threatening sea creature that could swarm up from the depths But there's something unnerving about how they politely grant those divers a wide berth well completely encircling them with their eerily Opaque and perfectly coordinated swarm. It's almost like there's an anchovy down there shouting hold hold When the police raid a place in the movies 37 people end up getting punched into body casts There's a tense firefight in a drug lab.
Somebody gets thrown out a window Jeff Daniels explodes and everything is pure chaos You'll notice a distinct lack of Jeff Daniels explosions as a SWAT team bursts in to break up a 25 year old man's game of counter-strike I think we're getting swatted Get on the ground! This is actually a common prank among online gamers called swatting Basically disgruntled gamers or viewers with a damaged understanding of what constitutes a friendly joke Call it a bomb threat or some other high-level security risk and the SWAT team shows up and assaults the person They're watching play video games in real time Maybe even accidentally shoot them who knows the fact that I know that has not enriched my life in any meaningful way Nor do I suspect it will enrich yours, but must be included for the record-setting speed these cops go from well We're coming in hot boys expecting bombs or ninjas or Osama bin Laden who knows we've seen movies It's gonna be awesome to just completely out of their element and confused and vaguely aware that there's a 12 year old somewhere Just laughing his ass off at them Cart choices are like the runway models of movie trips cool in theory fun to look at but you're always kind of surprised when they're Not boring and at least a little dumb now occasionally a bat tumbler or bullet time comes along and shakes things up But for the most part you have to drive a tank out of an exploding plane or give Michael Bay a Humvee in San Francisco just to feel alive and both of those are very stupid things to do Russia staying true to their national policy of not giving one hammered shit what the rest of the world thinks has produced a car chase That manages to up the any for all future movie car chases while failing to contain one instance of anything traditionally regarded as cool Perhaps the best part of this video is the complete lack of context for what we're even seeing I mean, we have no idea why this guy is pursuing this minivan with the single-minded purpose of a police detective chasing his partner's killer We arrive on the scene of a crime in progress and a third car long after both parties have decided to settle this thing like gentlemen Who are willing to kill other people with their cars after thousands of movie car chases? It's actually kind of illuminating to see one where nobody can answer the two questions that I would probably have in a car chase What do you do if the guy being chased keeps stopping and then speeding off and you don't want to dent your car and more importantly? How do you like win a car chase in movies? the hero always manages to just make the bad guy lose control of his car over a cliff or Flip into a paddy wagon or whatever is most dramatically convenient in reality You drive like bullet for five miles only to slip zanily off a luxury family car and get beaten with a shovel Russians it's probably just another hilariously ineffective yet Abberably persistent attempt of vehicular homicide caught on video and presumably aired on the popular Russian TV show of the same man Thanks for watching Whatever that was. Hope you liked it Please subscribe to our YouTube channel and click like if you didn't know that that was a possibility And in the comments if you could list maybe your 10 favorite videos from cracked and we'll make a playlist for you |
dropout | life_s_a_beach_hardly_working | The gang was at work, everything was normal. The dad's grandma's sister died of scarlet fever and left-hander beach house. And that's how this happened, don't question the logic, hardly working, the beach!
Heart Uno! Hey, why are we all at the beach? Sounds like somebody didn't listen to the theme song. Stop mocking me! Shut your mouth!
So what do you guys want to do today, hardcore E-Trade? I'll start with my worst idea.
Sandcastle Competition! Yeah! Okay, I'll be the judge. You each have 10 minutes. Ready? Go!
Yo man, I think it's about time you got off this beach. Oh no, local beach tufts. Come to kick us off their beach, no doubt. Yeah, no, we're from the parks department. You guys are sitting on protected dunes. You guys think you're so tough? Well we're not going to let you bully us. These guys just don't get it. This beach is for partying! It really isn't, all right?
It's restricted to the public because it's a particularly delicate ecosystem. The yellow-billed heron is endangered and also quite adverse to loud music. It discourages me to feel...
Fuck you!
Okay Ambriz, I know you guys probably woke up on the wrong side of the track, all right? But we're not going to let a couple of bad eggs ruin it for all the apples on the yacht. There is a really pleasant public park, 200 feet that way, okay? We just refurbished the playground using salvaged wood and recycled car parts. You know, we just came here to have fun and we're not backing down to a couple of brow-beating ruffians like you.
Can you at least pick up your garbage? None of that stuff is biodegradable.
Like I with the glasses are sprinkling you syringes all along the shoreline. And are you... are you taping cut-up six-pack rings back together, man? Come on! Let's settle this! You guys are insane! Hey, all right, tie up your newspapers with that synthetic twine! Yeah! Haha! I hope they die!
Well, here's a little piece of good news. It looks like Pat is the winner of her Fortnightly sandcastle eat-off. Thanks, everyone. I couldn't have done it without cheating. |
dropout | how_to_unlock_the_sex_scene_in_pokemon_x_y | Hey guys, it's Gundam Goku, today I'm going to be showing you a cool trick I learned about breeding Pokemon in Pokemon X and Y. First up, I'm just going to leave my female Snorlax with Ditto at the daycare. Ditto, of course, can mate with almost any Pokemon, you know, so that's a cool thing about Dittos. Now, here's the trick. See, after you leave, if you have a Pokemon in your party who knows Cut, like my Badoof here, you can actually chop down these bushes outside the window and you can watch your Pokemon mate.
Alright, there they are. You can see the process has already started, they look pretty tipsy.
And Ditto makes the first move. It has the higher speed stat, of course, so really, no surprise there. A little bit of nipple play. Now my Snorlax has a timid nature, so she prefers to be on the bottom. Now that's another great thing about Ditto, really, is that it's just kind of down for whatever. So it'll play top, you know, whatever she likes. Hmm, getting a little rough there. Okay, so now normally we get a baby Snorlax egg, but, see, my Snorlax is holding a full incense item, so hopefully I'll get a Munchlax egg. Okay, as you can see, they're establishing a safe word.
Ugh, my Badoof appeared uninvited, really spoiled the mood. Okay, well, I'll probably have to start over now, and oh, oh no, there we go. Yeah, they're into it. Hmm, it's weird. Yeah, I definitely don't remember teaching Badoof Eiffel Tower. Alright, Ditto just came buckets. Oh wow, yeah, the emotional regret is really super effective on Badoof. He had a long-term relationship, he just flushed down the drain with that. Was trying to make it work long distance, but, you know, man, I hope we get a Munchlax with a sassy nature.
Okay, so that's my trick. Thanks for watching. Please rate and subscribe. I have to go for now, because I've just been furiously masturbating through the duration of this video, so I need to get some paper towels, probably just like a whole roll of paper towels. If you like that video, click on me to subscribe.
I'm standing on a turtle. Faster, Achilles! |
SaturdayNightLive | rahm_emanuel_address_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Next on C-span, yesterday, at a special ceremony, Rahm Emanuel officially stepped down as White House Chief of Staff. Good morning. Today my administration says goodbye to a friend, a fighter, a warrior. a man you want in your corner when the going gets rough. a man who won't take no for an answer. a man who has twisted a few arms and poked a few chests. a man who knows no fear, but knows how to make others afraid. You know him as Rahm Emanuel, but to me, he will always be Rahm-boo. Rahm will be replaced as White House Chief of Staff by Peter Rouse. Pete Hale is from Connecticut and is a lover of cats. Come on back, Pete. give away, Buddy. nothing to be afraid of. But enough about Pete. today belongs to Rahm. Rahm. thank you, Mr. President. as the President reminded us just now, I do have a certain reputation amongst my colleagues in the administration and Congress.
Now, has my manner sometimes been a bit aggressive? Probably. could my personality be fairly described as abrasive? Yes, it could. Do I lack even basic social skills? Absolutely. does a little bit of me go a long way? indeed, it does. But in my job, have I at times used ugly, strong arm methods to get support for this President's agenda?
Guilty as charged. But remember, there's a big difference between arguing a point passionately and committing actual physical violence. And that's a difference I completely lost sight of. not in every case, but almost. And for that, I am truly very sorry.
Now, Pete, come here. come here, Buddy. if there's one piece of advice that I can give to you, it's this.: everyone in Washington is trying to kill you all the time. And it's kill or be killed. Are you ready to kill a man, Pete? are you ready to choke a man over a vote? I don't think so. Yeah? because this is prison rules now, baby, Okay? on the first day, you've got to walk up to the biggest congressman you can find and say, nice to meet you. And when he goes to shake your hand, you stab him in the neck with a pencil. and then you scream for everyone to hear, I am Pete Rouse, but you can call me King Effin Caw. And if any of you ladies got a problem with that, I will fight you in the men's room. You ready to be King Kong, Pete?
No. Are you ready to let the part of you that's human die? No, I don't think I want this job anymore. you can't cry, Buddy, Okay? If you cry, it's over. if you cry, it's Shawshank. Here, I want you to have this. it's a razor blade. keep it in your mouth. hopefully you'll never have to use it. but it's still nice to feel the metal against your gums. I don't want to go home! shh, shh, shh, shh. you have no home now. home is for people. but you, you're a monster.
Today I am leaving. The hardest and the best job I've ever had. Now, did I make a difference?
I hope so. I do know one thing for certain.
I made a lot of friends. What's that? I didn't. really? no friends at all? right. because of my personality.
Well, there's not much more else to say. I want once again to thank the President for this opportunity and to wish him good luck dealing with the new angry Republican majorities in Congress. on that score, I'm sure Pete will do just fine. And one last thing.
Live from New York, it's Saturday now! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_99_Raph_Dixon | And the show this week, which certainly is a big one, is presented to you by Stan's brand new season of Better Call Saul. That's right. Saul, the dodgy lawyer who was the star of the Breaking Bad prequel, certainly would have excelled if he was around during the Sir Joe era, wouldn't he, Clarence? Yes, I think he would have, Errol, because he gets things done, unlike most legal eagles, and Sir Joe got things done as well. And in fact, the way Saul Goodman gets things done makes for very good entertainment. Yep, the brand new season of Better Call Saul has officially kicked off with new episodes dropping the same day as the US. And that's only on Stan, so sign up today for your 30-day free trial and rip-in. Makes for great entertainment.
Hello, listeners, and welcome back to another Batutah Advocate Hour here on Desert Rock FM. This week we've got a very, very, very special guest, as we always do. Here we've got Raph Dixon, and he's doing a podcast with the Movember Foundation, in partnership with Diamantina Media, which is, of course, the conglomerate that owns this radio station, owns a number of other broadcasters in town. And Raph's here in the studio with us today. He tells us about the absolute highs that you get from being a father, and the absolute lows that come in the early days, and of course, once you learn how to father, it gets easier. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batutah Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batutah Advocate radio show. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, and editor-at-large, Errol Parker.
How are you, Errol? Good, mate. How are you? Good, thanks, mate.
Now, we've got an interesting guest this week. He's here to talk to us about a very different field that we're used to talking about. It's not related to investigative journalism. Well, it is to a degree, but not so much organized crime, rugby league, or politics.
Mate, you think those things are hard? Try being a dad. And we're away. Now, if you are over the age of 15, you might be aware of this recent trend known as parenthood.
Some parts of Australia are even younger than that. Now, there's a movement out there called Movember. You might know around November, the Australian cricket team are quite involved. There was a time when everyone had a bow in the Australian cricket team. Yeah, they are a popular charity these days, I'd say.
Now, our guest, we should also introduce him, Raf Dixon. How are you, mate? I'm good, thanks, mate.
Those mows, though, that revitalized the Australian cricket team. Well, Mitch Johnson is streaming down there in Brisbane.
Johnson particularly, yeah. Johnson particularly, I don't know if we ever saw one out of Roy.
We did see one, but we also saw the demise of the moustache. Then, of course, the team being caught for cheating. So, this might be the year of the mow. Yeah, the moustache keeps him honest. But, I'll tell you who'd look really shit in a moustache.
Steve Smith. Just putting it out there. I think that David Warner looks pretty good in a mow. I just don't think that Steve would be able to pull it off. Steve's would be a bit wispy.
Now, the reason we talk about Movember is, aside from the Australian cricket team, they have a lot of ambassadors who talk about all kinds of things related to men's health. And today's guest is one of them, Raf Dixon.
You are an ARIA-nominated EDM artist, if you will. ADM, Australian Dance Music. Australian Dance Music, also a pioneer of skip-hop.
I reject both of those terms. But yes, musician, you've produced music for a lot of people, but your own bands, Jackie Onassis and The Meeting Tree.
And One Day. The One Day Collective. One Day Guild.
Yeah, we just went gold, actually. Oh, did you? Some people go gold like first week, second week, but we've gone gold I think four and a half years after releasing Love Me Less. Right. But we're gold. Yeah, we're getting the plaque.
So, how did that happen? How did that appear on like a soap opera? Where was the renaissance of the One Day Love Me Less? No, it was a slow burn. It was the long tail.
What actually happened with knowing that we went gold is that we saw another band with gold records on Instagram and we were like, hold on. We've got more streams than them. What's going on here? And hit up the label and was like, hold on, what's going on? And the label was like, oh yeah, you have gone gold. And sent us our certificate and so we get our gold records.
So, it could have happened four years ago. Yeah, it actually would have happened a while ago. Probably not four years ago, probably a year ago, but Spotify nowadays, you've got the long tail.
Yeah. Because you get on the playlist and the suggested things. That's how you get a gold record. You are kind of a modern man. You know, you're tech better than most. Certainly better than, you know, the generation before you who vote erratically based on fake news that they read on Facebook. You're in the know and you are a Movember ambassador, I guess you could say.
They've asked Errol and I to grow mustaches. My biggest concern is I would have to shave my beard and I have had one for about 25 years. So, that would be pale and who even knows how sculpted it is. I probably don't have a jawline. I don't even remember because I grew this when I was about 14. Errol, you're a bit off the idea of a mustache.
You're already a gay icon as it is. Freddie Mercury. Well, I do sport a light one obviously in between my court appearances where I do go with the clean shave.
It's interesting to unpack where the notion of the Movember thing came about because obviously it's a charity and a movement that tells the stories that only generally affect men. And of course, only men can grow mustaches. Or is that an outdated notion these days, Raph? That is an outdated notion. Women can grow mustaches and women can lose their hair, mate. You're right, Errol. The whole concept of men's health is very broad. It goes to testicular cancer, prostate cancer, mental health.
And one that a lot of people are focusing on now is parenthood. Not for any reason in particular, but it is fatherhood. There is a reason in particular in a way and that is that it's something that we haven't really spoken about for a while. I think over the last couple of decades, the idea of being a dad has changed. Look, obviously the reason we're talking is I have a podcast coming out about being a young dad and mental health. But fatherhood has obviously changed from our grandparents' generation, my grandparents' generation. And I have a chat to some grandparents in the podcast. As a dad, they didn't go to the birth.
Yeah, that was one thing. I've listened to the first episode of your podcast, which is called Dad in Progress. Dad in Progress. Progress, as you would say down south. Progress, as they say in Queensland. Now, that is one thing I noticed in the podcast.
There was these odd codgers saying that you just flat out didn't go into the room. Yeah, I mean, you didn't go into the room. You didn't watch the birth. Nothing.
And more than that, though, you know, dads want to play a part in their kids' life nowadays. But the thing is, you know, it's not like we're working less hard at work. It's not like, you know, our mates expect us less at social functioning. So there's a lot of pressure on young dads, and that's what the podcast is about.
So tell us, what did the old codgers used to do? Did they just sit out there and smoke Winnie Blues in the hallway of the hospital?
Yeah, because I can imagine the process of giving birth has changed quite a bit in 50 years. Like, you know, I couldn't even imagine giving birth in a regional hospital some 50 years ago. I mean, to me, that experience would have been hellish. No, but of course, like, you know, the medical experience where now, you know, there's a whole smorgasbord of options.
Yeah, that's true. The gas, you know, then obviously you get the barbiturate-based painkiller, and if that doesn't work, boom, you know. The spinal tap. Yeah, the spinal tap. And I mean, the gas seemingly- Or the baby comes out through the sunroof.
Of course. Yeah, it's that. So like, I mean, seemingly, at least in my experience, the Nangs did nothing. Yeah. But- Really? I mean, not to me, but like, as in to my wife- Did you have a go on them?
Well, you've got to have a quick little try, but they also set it low. Like, I noticed it's in a locked cabinet. They set the, you know, how powerful it is, and they start quite low, about two out of five. Right.
And I don't know if they kind of glance over at the dad, because you're actually alone quite a lot. That's something I didn't know when I have a young daughter. I didn't realize that we'd be alone for most of it.
And they just, the midwife kind of pops in and out, obviously is there for the main event. Do you have a button? What's the guy there? The gas?
No, no, it's literally just- I mean, we have, Errol and I both have children, but they were born a long time ago. You know what I mean? They'd probably be about my age. Well, yeah, just short of you, I reckon. But yeah, you know, getting to the stage now where, you know, we could be grandparents soon.
Do you have a button to press? No, no, the gas is just a hose. You just breathe on in. No, when you're alone. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you've got the button to bring, to call for the midwife. But I mean, it doesn't happen quickly. Gosh, it's been a long time since you have been in a hospital room because they've had those buttons there for 20 years.
Yeah, no, I actually don't, we can get into this in another podcast, I actually don't kind of subscribe to modern medicine. I think a lot of things can be solved outside of like Big Pharma and, you know, and just basically this cult of like, you know, poisoning ourselves. Anyway, it's not just about childbirth, obviously, your podcast, you talk to a whole range of people about different elements from in the hospital to the car ride home. Oh, well, to be perfectly honest, most of the podcast is about that car ride home onwards, because I think that's the part that it serves as a good metaphor.
Indeed. From your previous life as a carefree ADM tyrant to being a young dad. That's it. That was the transition.
Parking in the two hour parking spot at RPA and then driving on out and not paying for your ticket, you know, as a young dad. No, but it does, it starts at that car ride out because that's the part that you kind of don't get taught a lot about as a dad. You're told, you're taught about the birth, you go to your birthing classes, but then all of a sudden you get home and, bloody hell.
So it's on. It's on.
You're taught how to change a nappy, but you're just not taught, you know, like how your life will be different because your life is obviously pretty different. And as I was kind of saying before, you kind of, if you want to be a modern woke dad, you're not really supposed to complain that it's hard. And dads don't complain that it's hard. Men don't really talk to each other that much and say like, fuck.
Well they kind of get that far and it's like, it's like, yeah mate, I feel that. Anyway, like it's, have you, do you understand the rules of the 2020 final series? You know what I mean? You just go that one step. How about that bloody kyrios?
So were you just driving around with the baby capsule in the back of your car just waiting for it, you know, just waiting for the day? Yeah, that's actually what happened, except we had to get two because our cat pissed on one of them. It's for everyone, for expecting dads, for parents, basically with kids, you know, for the Mrs. If, you know, she wants to hear about it, basically what the dad goes through. But you know that having a one year old going to work every day, still trying to see your mates, that's kind of what it's about.
How do you balance all these things? How do you make life a little bit easier?
And yeah, there's five episodes, we talk about work, friends, your relationship. So you had a few high profile guests. Well we did, I was going to mention when you talked about your own series when it comes to modern medicine, one of the guests we had on was Archie Thompson, former soccer route, holds the FIFA record for most goals scored in a FIFA approved game against American Samoa. American Samoa, we remember it well.
A lot of money on that. I think I got the good oil from inside the FIFA camp anyway. It was 21-0 in the end or something like that. I think he kicked 13. Anyway, but he has some different ideas with regards to...
Medicine. Immunisation. Is that a beer in the podcast? No, that got cut.
Shout out Archie Thompson. No, he is a lovely guy, lovely guy. One of our favourite Archies aside from of course Archie Rudge and Royal Archie, Archie Thompson. Now there is a high profile, you've also got the first bloke of New Zealand.
That's right. That was a big get. Thank you.
What is Jacinda Ardern's husband's name? Is he a hairdresser?
Clark Gayford. No, Clark Gayford. No, he is a host of a TV show, a fishing TV show.
Right. Fuck, that's living. Yeah. Really?
So that wasn't planned obviously. Was that prior to him? That's been his career prior to... Yeah, that's his career. Fatherhood?
Apparently he is quite well known over there. This is Jacinda Ardern's husband. He is like the Andrew Eddinghausen of New Zealand, without the rugby league or without the sporting background. Yeah. Okay, well that's an interesting fact that I didn't know. The Prime Minister of New Zealand was elected and her husband at the time of being elected was a fishing TV icon. Yeah, like a young Rex Hunt, but again without the sport. Yeah, yeah. So he is a host of a fishing show. I mean it's a smaller country over there, right? You know, I guess the meat... They share the roles. Like obviously here the media and politicians, it's a bit disgusting how in bed together they are. But over there apparently that extends to fishing shows and what not. So they were together, they were introduced by a mutual friend.
Her rise to prominence was quite swift. She only took over as Labour leader over there in New Zealand, I believe something like six to nine months before the election. Yeah, right. And a really swift rise to prominence. She won the election, had some convoluted system where you have to negotiate a majority government. Yeah, joined Winston Peters, the Bob Catter of New Zealand as her Deputy Prime Minister. You bang on. And I think that's the route that this country is going down, by the way.
Albo. Constant minority governments. Albo Catter.
Anyway, and it was only then that she discovered she was pregnant. Right, whoa, whoa. So post-election, how many days? I did listen. It was a week or so. Yeah, it was pretty close to the day.
Yeah, yeah. So yeah, obviously I had a chat with him because, I mean, what an insight into, I guess, modern fatherhood. And so now he is a full-time stay-at-home dad. He is. I mean, I don't think he's given up on his career as a, you know, presenter of a fishing show. Yeah. But obviously I guess with... He's more hands-on than, yeah, yeah. The miso is obviously quite busy, I would say, being a world leader. Yeah.
Going to the UN and whatnot. Yeah, heading into an election year this year. What are our chances? Have you seen the polls?
Oh, I don't know. I don't follow stuff.nz.
But, you know, she could be within another shot and he might be having another term. And there might be another bub just popping out. Or hands on deck, yeah. Yeah. And a quick break from the podcast now to let you know about another humorous show you should get around. That's right, Clancy.
Ben Elton is in the country and he's doing a run of live shows. His first stand-up tour in 14 years. He's comedy royalty, isn't he? Particularly for people of our vintage, Errol. Yeah, he certainly is. Plenty of people all over the age of 30, particularly the ABC nerds and Anglophiles, would have a penchant for the funnyman who's behind shows such as Blackadder, The Young Ones, Mr. Bean and the Thin Blue Lion. He's had huge success as an author, a playwright, an actor, a director and, of course, a stand-up comic, which is why he's back on stage.
So head to livenation.com.au for information and tickets to his show and get around our favorite Brit outside of Meghan Markle. That's livenation.com.au. Go on, treat yourself. Now back to the podcast. So, yeah, heaps of special guests. And can you tell us some of the things that we haven't really spoken about already? The social changes, I mean, particularly coming from you, someone who's spent your entire 20s on the road partying, all of a sudden, record scratch, it's now Netflix Kids.
And a Volkswagen. Yeah. That's right. Got the V-Dub, actually just had a service the other week. Good stuff.
Changed the spark plugs, runs like a dream. It is a big change.
I was obviously a member of a few bands touring DJ. I had some good times, you know, over there in LA, et cetera. But I know that you hear Muzo say this. You do get a little bit sick of the lifestyle. Yeah. In that I was already slowing down a little bit before we got pregnant. And I see other people my age, which is early 30s, still out there touring. Still caning it. And to be perfectly honest, I think, bloody hell, man.
You're not green with envy. I'm not green with envy.
Actually, that is something we talk about on the podcast. I was having a chat with Sam Perry, the great cricketer. And he kind of put it best that before you have a kid, you have the ability on the weekend. I used to do this.
I'd kind of wake up, obviously living with my now wife. But I'd wake up and, you know, she might still be asleep.
And I'd pop down to the cafe, take my time, see what was happening, text a few of the boys, scroll the internet, maybe hang around the cafe till midday and have a Bloody Mary. Yeah. Pick up a case.
This idea that you can kind of get up and just do whatever you want, that's now long gone for me. And that's long gone for, if you're a dad, you can't do that anymore.
Everything has to be planned. And that's fine because there's upsides of being a parent. You get all of the dopamine and endorphins and everything of that. You love hanging with your daughter.
But it's also fucking hard to just change all of a sudden to not be able to do what you want most of the time. And how you handle that, how you handle wanting that back, but knowing you can't have it. And you don't want it all the time, but there are times where you're just like, fuck me, I would love to do nothing for the day. Wouldn't mind to spend 10 hours in the green room right now. Yeah. And just how we navigate that, what are the best ways to actually still make sure you get some time for yourself, make sure you have some time for your partner, make sure you have some time for work. You can dedicate some time to work without either A, feeling guilty for being at work, and B, a lot of blokes. And I felt this too. Sometimes you're at work and you're just thinking, fuck, I don't want to go home. I just can't, like, especially in those early, early months, not so much anymore. I don't want to go home to the chaos of a kid.
How do we get through that? How do we navigate that?
That's kind of what we talk about. I talk to a lot of psychologists as well on the podcast, as well as the other dads who go through it. People like Aaron Gox. Yeah. Had a chat to Goxie. He's a great dad. Yeah. He's got two girls that are quite a bit older than mine, so he's able to offer some advice. Good to hear some of that. He's a lot further down the road. Yeah, a lot further down the road. Good to hear some of that old school South Brisbane parenting techniques, I guess. But he's always almost been a single dad for a lot of his life too. Yeah.
Now, do you find yourself asking yourself, I know it happened to me certainly, when my first born, Elijah, came about, what did I do with my time? You know, when you are organised and you've got every minute of the day is accounted for, do you ever wonder how did I spend my time? I often think, I mean, especially, mate, I was like basically a professional musician, you know, we didn't do a lot.
Yeah. As much as musos will say like, oh God, I've just come back from tour, like I need to have friggin' three weeks off, and oh, making an album, like it's so hard, like it totally takes three years. Oh shit, they condition hotel room each night. What the hell? Yeah, like an album totally takes three years.
Of course it fucking doesn't, like, I don't know what I did. I actually don't know what I did with my time. I don't know.
Were you a gamer? I was a gamer on and off. Yeah. It didn't take up the amount of time that it takes, I'm a fake gamer. Yeah. I'm a fake e-girl gamer. Casual gamer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a casual gamer. I'm very much a casual, I don't know what I did with my time, just dicked around.
Yeah. I was more social, I suppose, and that is good for you, you know. You have played in a number of social, like social sporting teams as well. That's true. AFL, cricket. Yep. Touch. Mixed touch. Yep.
Mixed netball? Mixed netball, yep. I've played some mixed netball. Do you play any of that now?
I don't.
Not even squash, not even squash anymore, which is the ultimate dad's game in a lot of ways. I'm trying to get back into the squash, lunchtime squash though. Well, I really got into my golf when I became a dad, which I guess really led to the conclusion of my first marriage, of course, with my first wife.
I think what you're doing, I think your approach is a lot less selfish. Well, I mean, I don't want to sound like... A lunchtime match is a bit better than all of Sunday. Well, that's kind of... Yeah. Sunday, Sunday. That's kind of what we talk about on the podcast, like you do need some time...
Christmas Day. Birth of second child.
You do need some time for yourself, but the way... It's being sensitive about scheduling it, so if it's hitting the gym immediately after work once a week, rather than, yeah, as you say, spending a whole Sunday doing golf every single weekend. When you do finally get that weekend away, something happens. The Mrs. goes and stays with her mother, and it's just basically you've got 48 hours to yourself. Do you find yourself heading out with that kind of energy that this is I'm back where I was, and you end up pulling the pin and going at home at home time?
Yeah. I mean, A, my standard...
My bedtime has moved significantly forward. Like, my standard bedtime is 9 p.m. now, and in the past, it was, you know, I guess midnight, but maybe realistically, you're not on your phone, dicking around 1.30 realistically. That's now pretty much 9, and I fall asleep. I fall asleep.
But no, when my partner Yasmin, my beautiful wife, she does that, yeah, spends a couple of days with her mum or what have you. I do go out with the same energy, the same fire in her belly for sure.
But, man, I'm getting old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys would know it. Old bones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bones. I could probably still turn it on if I really wanted to. I think days like this festival is coming up, and I might be hitting that with a friend, with another dad. Yeah. But, no, exactly.
Your life changes a bit, and for the better, I would say. Well, not for the better. So what you're saying is you now wouldn't spend 10 hours on the hill watching the Newtown Jets and then 12 hours at the Ivy. You've got to make a transition, right? Like, I'm 32. Some point between 27 and 40, you've got to make some kind of transition. You don't have to. There are those 40-year-olds who are still hitting it hard, but are they a good chat? Yeah, yeah. Are they someone you want to be stuck in the corner of the Gladys with? Ripping as hard as the Irish 457 guys who have been here for 12 months and have never seen a summer before. Yeah, it is interesting.
And, look, after my divorce, I probably was that 40-year-old. You 100% were a 40-year-old. Yeah, I found my friend shortly afterwards. Mate, I got married at 19. It was like a Bruce Springsteen song. So once I finally had a bit of freedom, it was fun to rejoice all over again.
Anyway, Clancy, so Raph, you're not playing sport. You're not staying out at the pub until 3 a.m.
Are you at least still making music? Oh, I still make music, but far less frequently. You learn to be a lot more efficient with your time. I schedule in time to make music with my good friend, Joy Wright.
I believe he was on an early podcast. Early podcast, yeah. And we got a cease and desist from Crooked Australia because of the things he said on our podcast. Go back and listen to it if you want to, listeners.
Joy Wright, episode three, possibly. And maybe 67 as well. I think we've had him on twice. Perhaps. For some reason.
Anyway, are the label vultures still circling? I'm still technically assigned to Universal Music Publishing Group. Actually, I'm still definitely assigned to that because the beauty of publishing is the money just keeps rolling in. Yeah, right.
So we, as part of Jackie Anasis, we had a song called Crystal Balling. That was on a British gas commercial in England. And after all the tours, one day, hottest 100 song, gold records, this and that, sold out shows, meeting tree, we played every major festival. Jackie Anasis, Crystal Balling, you get that ad. So the flame had flickered a little bit by the time that ad popped up, right? The cash train leaves the platform. That song came out, I think, in about 2012 or 13. And then it was two years ago that British gas picked it up and I bought the daughter a Gucci dress.
Yeah, hell yeah. Did you? Yeah, I did actually. Bulletproof glass hummer.
Now, tell us, who finds that song? What do you mean? Who finds that song? It would have been an ad agency in London. They kazam it in a cafe? What happened? Well, so that's what your publisher's supposed to go out there and do, right? Your publishing company goes out there and is in conversation with these ad agencies and puts forward what they think is going to be appropriate for these songs.
And then, neck minute, I get an email just saying, hey, do you want this money signed on the dotted line? And I send it to my mate, Kai, who owns 50% with me and we both say, yes, please. Okay.
So the label stuck around? So the label stuck around, yeah.
Because with publishing what happens is they give you an advance, as you've probably heard. And I don't actually make any money on the publishing side of things until that advance is paid back. But then as soon as that advance is paid back, it triggers another advance. So they then pay me another advance. So I'm in debt to them, I suppose, you could say. The other way of looking at it is they're trying to get their money back from me. For this investment they made on two 26-year-olds in 2011.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. So yes, I'm still signed to Universal Music Publishing. But I'm a free agent when it comes to the record side of things. I used to be signed to Sony Music Australia, now I will. If you're a label out there looking to give a big advance to someone who'll make music maybe once a fortnight for a couple of hours and doesn't really intend on putting out another album, but will definitely put out a few songs here and there, hit my line. Yeah, all right, all right.
We haven't seen the end of Mr. Sidney. No, no, look, honestly, your priorities do change a bit. And that's the other thing. Well, your career changed.
Mate, the average age of Triple J Hottest 100 Artist is probably younger than my own age. Yeah. I would say. Oh, except, hmm, Tones and I, hmm, not telling us everything. Like it may well be a decade younger than I am now. And so like at a certain stage I'm more than happy to give the kids a chance. I'm probably more Double J Hottest nowadays, let's be honest. One day you look at yourself in the mirror as a muso and you say, gee, should I be servicing to Triple J or Double J? Well, you know, there's lots of people at Triple J who are working there and who are actually on the broadcasting team there and most certainly belong at Double J. If only most people at Triple J had the same type of...
Self-awareness. Humility as you do. Got to know when to fold them. You boys would know that one. Yeah, do, do. Definitely do. Got to know when to hold them and fold them.
And it seems when it comes to music, you're transitioning in audio from ADM, Australian dance music, peripherally hip hop to now podcasts about young adulthood slash parenthood slash fatherhood. Podcasts about... Slash men's mental health. Yep. Podcasts about fatherhood and the mental health of young fathers and also a bit of mid-tempo electronica. So who did you speak to when you were making this podcast?
Obviously a lot of celebrities, as you said before, and everyone knows that celebrities know everything. A couple of experts maybe? Yep. Bunch of psychs. Bunch of shrinks. And they all have a bunch of tips, basically, across the podcast. And they've had a lot of experience. And they're all...
They all reiterate the same thing, which is that... Basically what I've been saying that one of the issues is dads are all feeling the same way and that is an important thing to get out there. Every dad I speak to is feeling the same way, but also not saying anything about it because you kind of feel guilty for having a whinge because, let's be honest, your wife has gone through a lot.
Or your partner, not necessarily your wife. Not sure in the case of you two.
Oh mate, don't even go there. No. Sorry fellas.
Let's just say that family tree's got a bit of mistletoe on it. But yeah, it is a much better option to go about things the way you're suggesting than to bottle it all up and then go to Bali for three weeks every year with the boys. There's much healthier ways to do things than that. No, no. One of the things that is again mentioned in the podcast, one of these kind of tips that really help is the fact that like blokes, as I was saying earlier, we have that one-dimensional conversation where someone says they're doing it tough and you go, oh yeah mate, know what you're saying anyway and you move on.
And instead of doing that, just asking that extra question, oh yeah, why is it tough? And when you get the answer saying, oh yeah, how does that make you feel? And just asking an extra couple of questions. Just an extra two or three questions.
In the advertising world, we call that laddering. Laddering?
But in real life, you can just think to yourself instead of changing the topic immediately, give it a couple more questions and you'll be surprised at A, how freaking interesting the conversations are all of a sudden. You're actually having more interesting conversations for one. And for two, just like how much better you feel for having that connection because you find out that people are actually going through exactly the same fucking thing as you. But as blokes, we don't really talk that much about it.
Well, Raph Dixon, thank you for being the first bloke to ask these questions and record yourself asking them with experts and special guests on Dad in Progress, the Movember podcast. Yeah, presented by Movember. Google it. Well, put it in your podcast player. Subscribe and then leave a review if you can as well. Only because I'll read it and it's coming out next week, isn't it? So keep an eye out for it, Dad in Progress. Thank you, Raph Dixon. Thanks, boys. |
dropout | the_guy_who_overhypes_everything | Hey there! I'm Lindgman from IT. I heard you were having some computer problem. Hi Lindgman. Yeah, I was just looking up lunch spots and my whole computer froze. If you're looking for food, that new diner's supposed to be okay. Okay!
Guys, their meatloaf is insane! It's the best thing anyone's ever tasted! The best thing anyone's ever tasted?
Come on, don't you think you're setting up our expectations a little high? He definitely is.
You recommended a movie to me once. We bought a zoo! The greatest movie of all time! It was okay. They bought a zoo! Yes, they did, but you talk about it like it's The Godfather. Also my favorite movie! Wait, your two favorite movies are The Godfather and We Bought a Zoo.
Those are not even on the same plane. Ooh, your fingers are so long you could be a concert pianist! Thanks, Lindgman. It's just you're giving out so much praise. It's kind of like your compliments are worthless. Well, I did recommend Grant's glasses that look amazing. Yes, but they're no fault of their own. I'm disappointed by them because you set my expectations so impossibly high.
You told me I would look like Keith from Buzzfeed! Okay, well, Grant, you do look like Keith from Buzzfeed. Yeah, I think, right? Kind of dead on, yeah.
Agree to disagree. I do not feel like fighting right now. Ooh, not feeling like fighting is the greatest feeling ever!
Once you've tried it, you have to call me so we can talk about it. Do you hear yourself? Are you kidding? I'm addicted to hearing. I literally can't stop. You're saying that if I were to try hearing, it would be so good that I would become addicted to it.
Absolutely. Yes. The thing I'm doing right now. Yep. I'd be addicted. That's right. You're an idiot.
Oh, you remind me so much of this comedian I follow on Twitter. You have to follow him. His tweets are life-changing.
Don't you see how that kind of praise makes things less enjoyable? Yes. When life-changing is par for the course, then just good is a huge letdown. Oh, you mean like the first season of Westworld. That was worse than apartheid.
I am floored. I'm obsessed with floors. If heaven has floors, kill me right now. Hey guys, is anyone free to help me organize the prop closet?
Oh, Rekha will do it. She'll have it done by lunch. No, Benjamin, don't hype me up like that. You think you're doing me a favor, but you're just setting me up to fail. Sorry. I guess I do this because I want to be associated with a good thing in your mind. So that maybe when you do your favorite thing, you'll think of me. Even if I can't be there to share it with you.
Computer fix! You are a god. You're a god! |
SaturdayNightLive | clinton_thanks_america_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from the President of the United States. America, I come before you tonight to thank you for re-electing me.
I know half of you didn't vote, but of the half that did, almost half voted for me. And I appreciate that overwhelming show of support. 49% of the less than 50% of you who voted said yes to Bill Clinton. that kind of groundswell tells me I'm on the right track. less than half of the less than half of the people who voted stood up and demanded four more years. that means one out of every four of you are helping me build that bridge into the next century. And I thank every fourth one of you for your unanimous support. But actually, when you think about it, it's not really everyone, you know, one out of every four Americans, Because there's, you know, another 30% of you out there who aren't old enough to vote. But still, I am thrilled by the huge support I was given by the half of the half of the remaining 70% of you. Because that is still a whopping 17% of you who enthusiastically supported Bill Clinton. And that is just really beautiful.
And sure, to be honest, Arkansas shouldn't really count because that's my home state and you have to subtract Me and Hillary, I mean, because obviously, we voted for me. And of course, you should take out anyone who depends on my administration for a job. but still, that makes 12% of the population who actively wanted me to be reelected. Truly, that is a mandate from the people. then again, you really can't count women because who are they going to vote for? Bob Dole. you know, that's silly. Anyway, that cuts the number in half, making it 6%. and then after taking into account people who are incarcerated, the number drops to 4%. an overwhelming 4% of you standing proud and saying, Bill Clinton, we want you back. then subtracting voter error, voter fraud, mechanical error, people who are abroad, people who are hospitalized or unconscious while the polls were open, and our brave men and women in space, that makes the total number of people who honestly and actively wanted me to be President of the United States one guy, Steve Billson.
Steve, I appreciate your support. And I'm going to send you this White House ashtray as a token of my gratitude. I mean, it doesn't say White House on it, but trust me, it's from the White House. So once again, America, I mean, Steve, thank you, And God bless you all. this has been a message from the President of the United States. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_wine_tasting | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabris, here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man. Because you're not Tom Hanks from BIC. Today we're going to be talking wine. Welcome to The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
Hey, Gabris. What's up, Lex?
I love wine. I don't know anything about wine. Guys, we're a beer species. Ooh, is that a Cabernet or a Berglot? Gabris, this information is crucial. I'm here with Gary Vaynerchuk from WineLibrary.tv, who's going to dispel all my fears I have about ordering wine in a restaurant. The first thing you need to understand about wine is that it's all about your own palate.
Do you love vegetables? No. I love them.
We don't have the same palate. We have nothing in common. Clearly.
The real way to understand wine and become less intimidated with it is to explore it. Every different day, try a different wine and in one year, you're an expert. Let's jump into this.
This screw top, we'll take the advantage of saying, don't be scared of the screw top. Get over yourselves. Screw tops are fantastic.
And where I think way too many people mess up on is they don't give the wine enough of a sniffy sniff. In case, you know, a girl goes, why are you sniffing the glass? What am I doing there? You tell her you're priming your palate.
Now, let's whirl it up a little bit. Use the table. The table's your friend.
See what happens. Whoa! It's like the Gravtron. Oxygen is coming in, breaking down the wine, opening it up so you can actually smell something. All right. Now, give it a sniffy sniff. Are you picking up on a little citrus play? Yeah, I got like citrus acid in there. Like a lemon? Yeah. I've got acid. You know, the good blue tab stuff.
Do I hold the glass like this? No, like that. This is the problem with the whole wine world. Do I hold my glass like this? It doesn't matter. Just drink it. Sniffy sniff, I'm hammered. What am I doing when I'm swishing it around?
You're getting it to every part of your tongue. All those little subtle parts of your palate are picking up different flavors.
The fact of the matter is when they pour the wine, you see a lot of people taste it and then say, okay, that's full of crap. They're pouring it to find out if you think the wine is corked or tinted or bad.
So actually, all you can do is swirl. Sniffy sniff. If it doesn't smell like wet paper, you're good. You just look up and you go, try that. Nice. Let's move on to some red wine. Let's sniffy sniff it up. Are you picking up red fruit?
I feel even like a dork just saying sentences like that. Why? I don't know.
What happens when you drink a beer and you just pound it? You don't say anything. You're not like, oh, I pick up the hops.
Maybe I'll start doing that. Oh, yeah. The Rockies are blue. It's got like a sour. That's what puts the hair on your chest. Oh, man. Got none of that. I manscape every single day. Down there too? Oh, yeah. Like a gym floor. Let's taste this white together. Okay, yeah, yeah. Let's just jam it in real quick. I feel like we should be standing around a garbage can on fire.
Oh, that's awesome. You like it, right? That aftertaste is good. I thought you'd like it. It's like flowery. It's very flowery. I love it.
I just want people to understand that it's their palate. There's no way to get it unless you try new stuff. And most importantly, don't worry about what other people say. Now I feel like it's something romantic about sharing a wine with someone.
No question, especially another dude. Thank you, Gary Vaynerchuk. Gabrielle? Sniffy sniff. How'd it go with Gary? Did you learn anything? Yeah, it went great.
One, two, three, four, five, six. 359 more bottles to go and then I'll be a sommelier. Did you get my text message? Yeah, I got all 49 of them. They don't want you to do full sonnets in a text. You've been watching The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Yeah. |
TheOnion | pop_pilgrims_baltimore_the_wire_locations_part_one | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims. A huge part of The Wire's gritty urgency came from its street-level portrayal of Baltimore, Maryland, aka Bodymore Murderland, with show creator David Simon Newell having worked as a journalist there for years. Almost everything in The Wire was filmed on location, and over the next two episodes of pop pilgrims, we're going to be visiting a bunch of those spots. We're here with Eric Bannet, location scout for The Wire, talking about some of the pop pilgrimages from The Wire.
Am I wrong that almost every exterior was shot on location here in Baltimore? I think 100% every exterior was shot on location. Every exterior was shot in Baltimore?
Yes. That's so rare. I think we had 10 filming days an episode, and you'd have so many locations that you didn't have time to move everybody around with all the trucks, so you would try to consolidate lots of different locations into a small area so you wouldn't have to move around a lot. But also you're shooting in a real active neighborhood. Did you ever encounter problems, noise, or people? We had a situation, I think it was on season 3, where one of the residents had their pit bull out in the backyard that just kept barking and barking and barking, and somebody agreed to give the person $20 to take their dog inside for the rest of our shoot. And then the next time we came back here, people had borrowed friends and neighbors and relatives' dogs, so the place was literally crawling with 15 dogs in various backyards with everybody wanting to get hushpuppy money.
Where are we right now? This is Marlowe's hideout from seasons 3, 4, and 5 of The Wire. This is kind of where he would hold court. So what did this area used to be, or what is it? Well, it's a skate park, and kids skate and do tricks in this bowl thing all along here. And why was this picked for the hideout? It was kind of a combination of it being secluded from the street, but also vantage points for people to be kind of looking at them as they were doing their business here.
Omar from up there would spy on them as well. Business as usual. So that church roof is where they were always up there with the telephoto lens spying, and we're going to try to get up there.
Hey there. Hello. Are you all going to be here?
I'm not going to fall off. No guarantees.
This was kind of the view, the police surveillance view of Marlowe's hideout. And you were here when they were actually shooting? You were the guy opening up the gym at 5 o'clock in the morning when our schedule changed to let us all in. VIP. Where are we?
This is the site of Cuddy's boxing gym, the dog fighting scenes. I think we shot a few Omar hideouts. So this was the gym? This was the gym room. So as you can see, the boxing folks on the wall. And you guys painted all that. We painted all this. And then I believe this room was the dog fight room. So as you can see, it's a really kind of cool looking old desolate warehouse that we pretty much had access to whenever we wanted, which made it kind of an ideal location for filming.
These are actors and tape marks. We got one over here. Yeah, there was a crowd. There was some sort of group scene. Bam. Take them out. By and large, all the residents in Baltimore and in the neighborhoods we filmed in were very accommodating and very supportive of the show, which was nice and made things a lot easier. Yeah. |
TheOnion | Man_Who_Has_Something_Wrong_With_Him_On_A_Fundamental_Level_Leaves_That_Part_Off_OKCupid_Profile | Shortly after creating a profile on OKCupid.com, local man Malcolm Lighty, a person with severe psychological and emotional issues, told reporters he thought it was best to just never mention the fact there is something seriously wrong with him on the popular dating website. The thing about online dating is you don't want to get too personal too quickly. Like, for example, how I'm a textbook narcissist with unresolved intimacy issues or the fact that I have no sense of empathy. Nobody wants to hear about that. When you're making a first impression, it's important that you keep it casual and don't include too much information. You don't want to be talking about your inability to maintain a relationship because of a history of violent mood swings. Lighty told reporters while his OKCupid profile includes extensive details about his favorite movies, love of cooking, and interest in cars, he thought he was quote just better off not mentioning the borderline personality disorder that makes it impossible for him to connect with another person on any kind of meaningful level. For example, I've been messaging this girl, Natalie, but we've mostly been talking about our favorite bands or career aspirations, and not at all about how I desperately need psychiatric counseling. Anyway, we're getting dinner Wednesday night, so I'm sure all of that will come up eventually, if it has to. It's just part of online dating. For more on this story as it develops, check this week's Onion Review. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_adam_sandler_the_hanukkah_song_iii_snl | Ladies And gentlemen, the Draydell's! Nice To be here, everybody. Hanukkah is the festival of Lights. One Day of presents, Hell no, we get the eight crazy nights! But If you still feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree, I Guess my first two songs didn't do it for ya. So Here comes number three! Ross and Phoebe from Friends Say the Hanukkah blessing So does Lenny's pal Squiggy And Will and Grace's Deborah Messing Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon Never mix meat with dairy Maybe they should've called that show Little Kosher House on Da Braria We got Jerry and Lewis Ben Stiller and Jack Black Tom Arnold converted to Judaism But you guys can have him, yeah! Just kidding He may not get a kiss Underneath The Mistletoe But We can do it all night long We're Jews, big hello! I'm Jewish! The guy in Willie Nelson's band who plays Hanukkah Celebrates Hanukkah Robbie Schneider I did not know you were Jewish. Filipino Jew. Filipino? There are four of us. Well, we'll take any Jew we can get, even funny looking ones. Cool, alright, it's good to be back, sir. It's good to be back. Hey, do you mind if I put on a wig and hang out with the Dradells? If you got a wig on, yeah. I got one, man. Okay, man. Alright, the newest addition to the Dradells. Osama bin Laden Not A big fan of the Jews. Well, maybe that's because he lost a figure skating match to gold medalist Sarah Hughes, how Mama's Jewish. Houdini and David Blaine Escape Straight jackets with such precision But The one thing they could not get out of Their painful circumcision When his pal, Joe's half Jewish But a full-time Oscar winner Jennifer Conley's half Jewish too And I'd like to put some more in her There's Louis, Perr and Phil You better get all I have to Joy Ramon Invented punk rock music But First came Hebrew School Hey! Never! It's time to serve up an otter I Hope I Get an L-trotter On This joyful, joyful otter So Get a high calotica And soil your long jotter guy If You really, really want a happy ho-o-o-o-o Fuck, it's Saturday night. |
dropout | deleted_scenes_moviepass_ceo | Let's do it. This is great. Um, did you guys, you guys are all right? Everyone's got, hey, everyone's got their scripts. Everyone knows what's going on. Good. Good, good, good. Hi, America.
My name is Jonathan Flor. I'm the CEO of MoviePass, the company that has revolutionized the way that we have brought theater goers into the cinema. Recently, some bad press has gotten out about MoviePass, maybe going out of business. What? I can tell you that MoviePass is not only stronger than ever, but has a bunch of exciting new platforms to save the company, help the company, re-establish the company. The company's good.
It's not coffee. That's a waste cup. Um, fuck it. Sure. It's taken us a couple tries to get it right.
I mean, who knew people would see so many movies? You guys are movie freaks.
Stop. So if you see as many movies as you want, then get your way out of this one, Jonathan. You've gotten yourself a little bit deep in the pickle jar this time.
Still rolling? What? Go! Cut! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about a second MoviePass? What if everyone that bought a MoviePass just had to buy another one? Or didn't buy another one? Or bought another one?
I'm sorry. Why would they? Why are you shitting on the idea the second I have it? I'm just saying if they all bought another one.
At any point in time, anyone can call out if they have an idea for how we can make money. Watch this at home if you guys want to log onto the comments underneath the video and post ideas for how we can make money. I met Chris Pratt at this job, I can't go back. Thomas Edison did 99 bad light bulbs before he did one good one. He had already invented the radio at that point, and money wasn't an issue.
So that's different about us. I feel like I have to say that doesn't sound legal. What doesn't sound legal? Not letting people cancel.
Oh, you're a lawyer. No, it just doesn't. So you're a lawyer? You moonlight as a fucking commercial director and you're a fucking lawyer?
I'm just trying to be helpful. It's Supreme Court Justice, Anthony Scalia, he's back from the dead. Now he directs commercials for MoviePass. Oh my God, Sandra Day O'Connor, what are you doing here? Hey Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I didn't know you were interested in film making. We've got to try something. And every turn when I have a good idea, someone tells me it's a crime.
With MoviePass family, you become part of the MoviePass family. Us, for $10 a month, see as many movies as you like and volunteer between 40 to 60 hours a week in our customer service department. We'll save a lot of money, well, you'll get savings. Just be ready to be yelled at, frankly, because people are not happy with the service right now. Just give me like a week in advance notice and I'll do the whole movie for you acting style in person. It'll be so fun.
Please don't. Why?
Is Netflix already doing this? Even Terry Bench is a piece of shit. I mean, nobody's doing it, Netflix is not doing it. Netflix is not doing it, so it's great, so we can do it.
I'll be all the crazy rich Asians. That's such a wild thing to say. Why? Because I'm not rich anymore? It is offensive to my people, CEOs, to tell us we can't do something. I can't be Asian.
But for real, my body's yours for two hours. You don't have to be nice. I don't want to take my wedding ring off. Oh fuck. Where'd it go? Oh, I sold it. Do you want diamond pants? Okay. Everyone just wants to look the other way.
Oh John, no, no, no, no, no. Pants on. You want to do a pants on? I don't want to do it. Fucking nasty, dude. I don't, I don't, I want you to put your pants on. No sex. You just want to talk? I don't do kissing. I'll do kissing. I'm not buying a diamond pants, John.
Well you've really made a fucking fool out of me, have you? I hope you had a little laugh. I hope you had your little laugh. For anyone else that wants to fuck me or buy a movie pass, I'll be here in the chair.
I just canceled mine. No! Why? I'm canceling your cancellation. I'm going to cancel it. I'm going to cancel your cancel.
I feel like I've said it before, that's not legal. Is it illegal if I kill myself and frame you? Make them think you did it, because you did.
I've been good my whole life and no one's helping me. If you see someone who's always making mistakes, why wouldn't you help them?
All right, listen, I have a diamond movie pass client coming in 15 minutes. You guys got to get out of here. I'm not really real on just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me! |
TheOnion | Obama_Caught_Lip_Syncing_Speech | The White House is scrambling to do damage control after the president was caught lip syncing a speech at the University of Michigan yesterday. Let's look at the footage. Providing quality, affordable health insurance in this country. Our health care system that's sucking up all the money. We have top- It was too bad because it happened right before he got to the part about how the power for change rests with every American. That's always my favorite part.
He's just gotten too big and this just shows that. He hasn't really done anything good since the Democratic National Convention anyway.
The White House seemed to bungle their official response. An hour after the event, they released a statement claiming the incident was caused by a feedback problem that made it appear that the president's voice was out of time with the movement of his lips. However, two hours ago, White House deputy press secretary Todd Grant changed the story, admitting President Obama had, in fact, been using a recorded speech track. Look, there are lots of world leaders who do this sort of thing. They may not admit it, but the practice is actually fairly common. He recorded that vocal track. It's him everyone was hearing. Technically, he was giving the speech. Shortly after the press conference, President Obama posted a hastily written apology on whitehouse.gov in which he cited enormous pressures and, quote, personal issues I am dealing with right now. Speaking before reporters today, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called Obama's performance disappointing.
He's scheduled to speak at the same time as Gordon Brown at Climate Fest next week. Now I might check out Brown instead. And now today, an Onion News Network investigation uncovered an exclusive video which appears to show President Obama speaking without pre-recorded audio at a commencement ceremony last June. Now, some graduating classes have marched into this stadium in easy times. Times of peace and stability. What we call on our graduates simply to keep things going and don't screw it up. Despite the controversy, Obama has stated he will not be altering the schedule of his upcoming tour opening for the Black Eyed Peas and will also continue performing speeches under his side project alter ego, Professor Thaddeus Bugs. In other news from Washington, the White House has confirmed rumors that the state of Wyoming seceded three months ago. |
SaturdayNightLive | brian_fellow_s_safari_planet_snl | He loves animals and they love him back. Interspecies, friends, we ain't kiddin'' Mac.
Brian Fellow, Safari Planet. Brian Fellow spent four years in Thailand as a volunteer for and later Director of the Southeast Asian Animal Rescue Project. he subsequently served as Director of Animal Operations at the San Diego Zoo and Undersecretary of the Interior for Wildlife Management. Brian Fellow, Brian Fellow, Safari Planet. Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow, Safari Planet.
I'm Brian Fellow and I'm very excited to bring out tonight's animal guests. So let's get going. our first guest is a native of the South American Jungle. please welcome a monkey. Hello. And who are you? I'm Jeff Richmond of the Cleveland Zoo. I'm Brian Fellow. Yes, I know.
So what's up with this monkey here? Well, Dr. Fellow, Buster here is a Capuchin monkey, also called a ring-tailed monkey, And he is three years old. So he's a baby monkey. No, at three years old, a monkey is considered an adult. Three years old, an adult. That's crazy. the habitat area for these monkeys, the rainforest, is being threatened by development. the rainforest, that sounds wet.
Yes, it is. You know, I thought, certainly a man with your kind of credentials would, you know. I'm Brian Fellow. Yes, I'm well aware, and I didn't mean to insinuate anything by that. I apologize. Oh, that's okay. let me tell you.
I once saw a video of a monkey watching a cat. that's crazy. All right, this is nuts You.
I'm Brian Fellow.
Good. Go. and take that monster with you and tell him to stop smiling at me. Sorry, that monkey was crazy. our next guest is a local resident. he probably lives in a meadow or wooded area near you. Please welcome a turtle. And who are you? I'm Karen Nathanson of the Central Park Conservancy. I'm Brian Fellow.
Okay, and this is Henry. he's a box turtle. box turtles make their home on dry land. they're abundant sources of. he's a snapping turtle? No, he's a box turtle. And box turtles live in an environment where they can find. Does he bite? No. because I don't want to get bit by snapping turtles. I once got bit by one. Okay, look. this is a box turtle. box turtles don't bite. they eat plants and the occasional bugs. Do you think he could escape from this cage? Because I don't want to get bit. box turtles don't bite. All right, be cool. it's just a little turtle. if he bites me, I'm going to kill it.
All right, look. I lied on your resume. you never worked for the San Diego Zoo or the Department of the Interior. you don't know anything about animals. I'm Brian Fellow. No, you're a buffoon. Sorry again. that's all the time we have. join us next week when our guests will be a dog and a baby dog. I'm Brian Fellow. |
dropout | disagreeing_doesn_t_make_you_smart | So, I just made partner at my law firm.
Will I make it big? Will I find love? Will I succeed in the big city? I guess we'll just have to find out.
Well, that's not exactly right. This is a mid-size city. Oh, yeah. Sure. So what do you do? Well, it's not exactly doing. I write for a film and entertainment periodical. Oh, okay. So you critique movies? Not exactly. I write about them and study their merits and their flaws. So like a critique? How do I get through to you? No, not exactly. Okay, yeah. I see what this is. You're one of those guys that's contrarian about everything because you think no one will understand your unique viewpoints? Not exactly everything. Oh, okay. So not everything. Just some things? Well, not exactly. Oh my God. Okay, let's find something neutral.
Where'd you go to school? I studied at the Daniel Tosh School of the Arts in New York City. Oh, I actually know someone that went there. I studied there, okay? I didn't just go there.
Oh my God. You can see the difference, right?
Do you have siblings? I have two sisters.
Great. Not exactly. I did not say anything. I just said it was great that you had sisters. Well, it isn't exactly. I mean, one of them is fine, but the other is idiotic and weak-willed. That's not how you use that. Did I die yet? Not exactly. I'm sorry, Ana. It's just I choose my words very carefully, and so I expect any partner of mine to do the same. Oh, okay. So you choose your words very carefully, and you expect any partner of yours to do the same? Yes. Not exactly.
Oh my God, I literally repeated word for word what you just said. It's just when you said it, it didn't carry over the same meaning as when I said it. You can repeat words, but they still need to hold the same meaning that the original orator meant. You know, if you're quoting Kennedy, for instance, you want to give it the same gravitas that Kennedy had. You don't want to just quote Kennedy flippantly. Do you know who I mean by Kennedy?
Oh my God.
Because what you did is like a plane, but it never actually lands. A basketball just sitting on the rim. A dog trying to get through a fence? No, it's getting stuck.
Shut up. I don't know how to say it in a way that makes sense to you. You are so obnoxious.
Well, not exactly. Yes, exactly. Yes, not exactly. Yes, yes, exactly. This is exactly. Right. Not exactly.
What? What are we talking about? What? We're not saying the same thing.
I hate dating in this city. Up a mid-sized city.
Who cares? Oh my God. What do you get from being a contrarian all the time?
Okay. Can you please just accept that your ideas are not so unique that no one else can possibly wrap their head around them? Okay.
You were not special. You were annoying. Wow.
Maybe I have such a desperate need to seem smart that my only defense is correcting everyone around me. Maybe I need to treat people as people and stop trying to outsmart everybody.
Yes, exactly. Well, not exactly. I could have been clearer about a couple points. Can we get some prosciutto? Because it ended up being a little more exclusive than we thought.
I'm the only employee that got rejected. So yeah, if you could give me your password, I'd really appreciate it. |
Subsets and Splits