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ClickHole | progress_this_video_game_presents_a_realistic_portrayal_of_eating_disorders | Hey everyone, you're watching NextGen. Today I'm going to talk to you about a game that is a lot of fun, but also a truthful depiction of a very serious subject.
It's called Kirby, and it features a protagonist who is a grounded, real-life representation of someone with an eating disorder. Kirby has a textbook case of bulimia nervosa, which the US National Library of Medicine defines as an illness where a person has regular episodes of overeating, also known as binge eating. The person will then use different ways, in Kirby's case vomiting, to prevent weight gain. The game's designers did a great job of making gameplay fast-paced and enjoyable, while still managing to show the actual truths about having an eating disorder. Users get to have fun battling enemies, like this penguin who wears Santa's robe, but they are also right there with Kirby as he battles his bulimia. Not only does Kirby have to face foes, but also the side effects of his illness.
Just look at his swollen face and missing teeth.
Overall, the game does a great job of bringing to life the struggle someone can have with an eating disorder. One moment we see someone who is in total control, and the next we see someone whose life is completely dictated by their illness, just like in real life. Another cool thing about Kirby is that he's a kick-ass boy, a brilliant attempt at busting the stereotype that bulimia, and eating disorders in general, only affect women. By the end of the game, users will have a greater understanding of eating disorders, all while being completely engaged and having a good time throughout. Make sure to go out and buy a copy of a Kirby game today, and support video games that show a truthful depiction of some of the tougher parts of life. |
dropout | even_worse_fda_cigarette_warnings | Recently, we released the toughest, most graphic warning labels in FDA history. Labels that we think will really resonate with potential smokers. However, to really drive home the hazards of smoking, now each pack of cigarettes will come with an actual person dying of lung cancer.
All right. Yep. There you go, man. I gotta be kidding you out. I know. Boy, it's a new thing every day, huh? I know, man.
This will no doubt be the toughest and most effective public health campaign in America's history. A pack-a-day smoker will see 365 different lung cancer patients a year. Will we run out of lung cancer patients? Not if people keep smoking.
Yeah. Let the dog out. We think this will work because once you have a cancer patient with you, you can't escape it. Okay. There you go. Can't escape it. All right. Watch your back.
These guys, it's a lot of the same thing. They cry at night.
I'm dying.
Why am I not in my hospital? Who are you? I'm having nightmares. I want to see my children.
All the same garbage. Yeah.
I mean, smoking is part of my routine. I get up every day. I read the paper. I eat breakfast. I take roger and radiation therapy.
And then I have a cigarette, you know? Boom. It's a total bummer. I want to relax with a cigarette. Not see someone dying of lung cancer. |
cracked | robocop_review_aka_murphy_s_law | Brian, you're so fired. You just threw dinosaur, a dinosaur story up. Come on. It's the whole point of having tech people. Anyway, whatever.
Welcome to Crack Movie Club, the show where we do a mook club. A mook club.
Oh man, I miss Allie. Yeah. Allie, Allie's the glue that holds us who she misses every other episode. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and these are books, but better.
And this is my co-host Jesse and Allie's making money somewhere because we don't make any money on this stupid show and she's not salaried. So thanks Allie. Donate to us so we can get Allie fired from all of her gig work. We also got incorporated all of our various brands into a content owner and the content owner won't let me monetize the live streams anymore and I don't know how to change it.
So we're doing this for the love of the game, mostly. So today we're going to talk about the Robocop. Oh, that was really good timing, Brian. Excellent work. And if you're new to this, Robocop, he's Irish and he's violent. Actually, I'm going to talk about that later. I actually do have a connection. Not that he's Irish per se, but that he's Catholic because I think that's a really interesting part of this character.
This is more of a Robocop 2 thing, but it doesn't matter. And if you haven't watched this live stream before, if you haven't interacted with it, typically what we do is whatever stupid shit you say in the comments, Brian will go through and star some of it and then kind of at the end of the podcast, we'll go through it and we'll make fun of you or maybe we'll be wowed by your galaxy-brained intellect. And also we do alternate titles for the movie. So for example, if you said Cop Robot, that would be a title that would work for this movie, but is not in fact the title of this movie.
So I don't think you have any, it's all me.
So I'm going to recap this movie and then we're going to get rolling. You ready? Let's get into it, man. I'm strapped in.
There's a man and his name is Murphy and he is a new cop assigned to old Detroit, which is some nebulous time in the future, dystopian Detroit, where crime is so rampant and cops are trying so hard, they're getting killed all over the place. And that includes, in fact, Murphy, who goes out there and he gets shot, but it's okay because they bring him back as a robot, but he's still a cop, thus Robocop. And then he goes out there and he shoots a lot of people. And it turns out that the police force, so I don't think the entire police force is privatized, but the Robocop initiative is. And so eventually he realizes that that company is bad. So he goes and he kills all of them.
And then that's it. The movie ends with everyone being dead and Murphy kind of realizing his humanity despite, yeah, I know it's going to be hard to top Murphy's law. That's why I wrote it down because it's great. It's an excellent title for this film. Anyway, so that's it.
You know, it's a robot cop. He doesn't remember his past, but he slowly gets his humanity back and he he kills a lot of people.
It's technically a satire in that way that every Verhoeven movie that's a satire could also just be read as straight fascist. And you're like, yeah, I love fascism.
But Jesse, why this? Is this the our spiritual prequel to Starship Troopers that you made us watch last time? Yeah, well, no. So it's the 35th anniversary of Robocop coming out in theaters is this year. So I thought it'd be really good to revisit it in general. It's also one of those movies that I'm embarrassed that I've never actually seen start to finish. Never sat down and watched it until now.
And it's yes, I want to see if it was up to the hype. I wanted to see like it's got the initial hype of like all this movie fucking rules. It's got all like the sort of bad takes. Like you said, like it's a it's a satire, but there's also wide swath of people who do take it as like, yeah, cops are fucking sick, man. And there's also just a lot of hype that it that it holds up on its 35th anniversary.
So I want to see if that was true. And was it? I think it was I think it did. I really think it did. I can definitely see it being like mind melting when it first came out.
And some of it was kind of clunky, like, man, that stop motion, like really took me out of the film. Yeah, but other parts, man, that the gore and the violence like he shoot how many seconds in are we he shoots a guy in the dick through somebody else's vagina. Basically, you already dropped a hard F bomb. But yeah, oops. But yeah, vagina is gonna get us.
We're not monetized anyway. This stream doesn't matter.
Yeah, well, good. Because I want to talk about how with like 20 minutes left in the film, they start dropping really hard F's like kind of non stop. Yeah. Um, it was great. I'm glad I finally watched it. It was it was hyped perfectly appropriately. Good. Yeah, I agree. I so we actually saw it. I saw it for the first time during a snowstorm in a hotel in Maryland, while my band was leading was playing worship music for a bunch of high schoolers. Hell yeah.
And we couldn't we couldn't play the music that day. So we sat in the hotel and we were all like, we've never seen Robocop we should watch Robocop. And so we were in there watching an incredibly violent but ultimately we were having a lot of fun movie.
Yeah, Robo of Nazareth. There we go. That's a great one. Yeah, we're gonna put that one on there. And yes, Eric Gonzalez points out and I want to mention that to you.
Her her vagina is not actually shot.
Sure. Okay, fine.
But it's close though. Jesse knows his way around a lady. Don't let him tell you otherwise. That's where I'm told. That's where I'm told is the general vicinity of the vagina. Yeah, it's just everything within a three foot radius of the middle of a woman.
It's a it's a roving didn't didn't like awful doctors used to think that the uterus would like wander through the body. And that was something that women could be diagnosed with. If they were, I have heard the term wandering uterus, but I knew what it is. Didn't know what it was other than potentially a metal band name or something.
But yeah, I raise you. Thank you, Andrew, this turbine ass here.
I feel like I think this way this way about Starship troopers as well, which is another Verhoeven film, which is the same director. I just feel like, because it is clearly a satire in some ways, it all the stilted 90s and 80s trophy vibes, like the weird stuff actually is totally fine, because it's already not like it's not trying to be a cool I mean, sort of is but it's not everything is undercut by I mean, Verhoeven has gone on record to say that his goal was to make the violence so over the top, that it was no longer. Not that it was no longer cool, but that it wasn't like, like you're saying like, Hell, yeah, cops are cool.
Look how they kill people. Because even if they, even if it's good that a cop is killing a criminal, you feel a little weird when he shoots him 7000 times. Yeah. Or like, you know, it's just you're starting to be like, oh, that's I don't know if I want that for the justice system, per se. Yeah, I wonder how many how many bullets how many gunshots it takes for like, your average fascist to be like, oh, this is a joke now. Okay, like the 25th bullet makes you go wait a minute. This isn't real life. He's trying to make a comment about the policies of the Reagan administration. Well, kind of like the movie, I think it's Predator. There's that scene where they just unleash like a million bullets into the trees for no reason.
I don't know if you've seen Predator. I have not.
But Schwarzenegger just like chain guns a tree. And it was just a way to like, add more gunshots into a movie for no apparent reason other than wouldn't be cool if we just fired a gun, but they couldn't just shoot people because they would they would go to NC 17. So they just like, fired guns just because and I do think it's funny how they do that in this movie.
Like, how many times does Robocop get shot? Like realistically, I mean, thousands and thousands of times, with really no negative repercussions until somebody stabs him with rebar.
Yeah, what's up with that? That's not that's not how body armor works.
To my knowledge, maybe maybe in the far flung future. Yeah, I didn't know what I say we don't know what year it is, right? Is it in our future? Or is it an hour past?
Ooh, why? Oh, I see what you're saying. I feel like somebody has pointed out what year it is. I bet there I bet it's somewhere just because they've made several of them.
What year is Robocop set in? 2028. 2028. Okay, well, so it's it's coming. We're yeah, here we go. People are already saying it. 2028.
2010 says somebody else. So who knows? At some point. There's also a reboot that I've actually wanted to see. Good. Okay, reviews. It's got Joel Kahneman.
I don't know how you say his last name. And he's in a lot of things that I really like him in like altered carbon or he was in House of Cards for a while. He's always pretty good. He's in Suicide Squad.
The good one. I think he was also in the bad one. He wasn't the bad one.
That's okay. You can't you can't win them all. Anyway, I, I agree. I like the violence stuff I thought was pretty rad.
I love that when a movie is just like we invented a sniper rifle that causes explosions. And we're just going to shoot buildings, cars. Yeah, we invented a sniper rifle that cars are allergic to and causes them to immediately explode. The the car being 6000 sucks sucks.
Yeah. Dude, the products and the commercials. Okay. The commercials in this were really good and really funny. And that was like clear satire.
And it absolutely ruled to the same degree as the criminals were the worst. The criminal characters were also stupid. Like everything from like the insults that they say, like, I don't know, like that one guy calls the gas station attendant a bookworm. Like that's the worst thing you could be called. I mean, they talk and the way they act and their plans like even the guy that's like holding people hostage.
That's not how I like he asked for a car. He's crazy, bro. He just snapped.
He was like the former mayor, right? So yeah, because he wanted his job back. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, he wasn't thinking super great.
I actually really like red foreman as a villain. He was great. Actually, that yeah, red foreman was fantastic.
One of my other his debt, his death scene. He looked like a doofus, like swinging his arm back like whoa, I've been hit. Like, oh, yeah, kind of collapsing into the mud.
Yeah. But everything else.
He was great. It was funny that he was very like I know he wanted the guy to hurry up and drop all the shit on robo cop. But it was funny that he was he was like, What are you doing, man?
I'm giving up man. Come on, bro. Don't even do it, bro. It's not fair, dog.
So it was that was a little bit goofy. But I also had he had big like, I want to talk to your manager energy every time that robo cop would like confront him, he'd be he'd just start spilling is like, I know who your boss is like, like, take me to your boss. Well, he did though. Yeah, I guess he ultimately did. Yeah, I do like the you know, it's funny because I don't know where we're at.
I guess the in general, police forces are not privatized, unless I'm mistaken on that. But that is always a thing that's mentioned as a as an option. They're militarized in a lot of places. But this idea of we obviously we were talking about this beforehand, because we're doing an honest ads about it. But prisons are very privatized. And that never seems to necessarily go well. And so it'd be interesting to see what a private police force would look like. Obviously, Verhoeven thinks it's bad. But there is something interesting. We did a we did a video not that long ago, talking about how legally cops are not required to protect you, if you're under duress. And it makes me wonder, is that do we need that version of capitalism where it's like, well, if you guys don't save me during a terrorist rampage, I'm gonna go across town to get the Blackwater cops or whatever. Well, right.
Because I mean, there are like privatized fire departments that have been an absolute disaster. They've allowed railings to burn down because they didn't like pay their titings on time. And they're like, sorry, you're not on the list.
Yeah, I guess that's how it would actually go. Yeah, is they would just let things happen. Because they're like, for sure. I would.
So one thing that I thought was super interesting is that he's like, Robocop is basically all powerful. But he's he's constrained by like, technicalities and bureaucracy, right? He's like, I'm gonna do justice except Oh, no, I can't like yell at my boss. And he like, has that moment where he shakes and falls down and stuff. Right. But which is, I feel like that's like a direct commentary on, you know, the actual constraints of police report, right? Like the good apples are like, unable to do good apple things because of because of the system man. But I think that another really funny thing would be to see Robocop completely unwilling or unable to do anything because he's just like, Oh, no, that's like, that sounds dangerous.
I'm just gonna stay here and dream. It's like, it's really never cost effective for me to intervene. Yeah, like, you guys have no idea what my carbon footprint is. And how many jars of baby food I have to eat just to get up and go across a drive across town.
Well, to your point, that is actually the premise behind the other robot, right? Like, he literally said this is the ED whatever, which actually may be a rectile dysfunction joke, but it's that robot below kills one of the members of the company, one of the execs or whatever. And that causes the owner of the company to say, well, we can't use it as is. And so that's when the other guy proposes his Robocop program, because presumably it has a little bit more intelligence functioning. But that guy confronts him in the bathroom, the ED bot and he's like, dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
We had a contract for 25 years. And most importantly, we had a contract for 25 years of spare parts.
So who cares if it works? Like, that's always kind of the problem with some variations, specifically monopolized, privatized capitalist things where it's like, why would I make it work? I also sell the parts to fix. And actually, that's a sort of a huge thing in general. And I think Biden actually passed something about this, but like right to repair, right to repair stuff where your Mac will break. And it's like, well, only our our Apple geniuses from on high can fix it. Because if you do, you violated all the laws. I don't care what the problem is.
So yeah, I guess that's the whole point of Robocop is that he's actually willing to put himself in harm's way. And so good. Yeah, it's funny that it's like a safer option is to have like also a very deadly droid, but it's at least it's being piloted by a brain that had a bullet rattle around in it. Like, yeah, he was fully shot in the head.
I don't think is and I guess it only hit like the part of his brain that remembers his wife and kids. Who moved on?
Yeah, I like that. I like that.
His his cop partner is like, Look, okay, I'm not gonna spell it out for you. But yeah, she got remarried fast.
Your son doesn't care about you at all. Your son already calls him dad. Yeah, it's like nobody cares that you could spin your gun. You died. That's actually the lamest thing that you could do. Your son doesn't think you're cool anymore at all.
And also, if you think about it, maybe if you spent more time, like, you know, practicing cop stuff and not gunsling and maybe you felt in the hostage situation. They did make a good point. Weirdly, the cops. Not the cops, the criminals did when he runs in and like tries to arrest everybody in the building. They're like, Oh, you must think that you're a great cop, huh? The fact that you think you can literally just run in here. And it is kind of interesting where you're like, that is a weird thing that he tried to do for no apparent reason. I mean, they did make a point that like there was no backup. But it is interesting. So this is kind of the same thing with Starship Troopers, right? Where you get into these weird scenarios where you're like, so what is the purpose of this cop being like, I don't have enough backup because the police are underfunded.
So I went in and tried to kill everyone. And I was slain.
Oh, no. And yet I rose again, like literally Jesus Christ, as people will probably mention, but he walked. He walks on water at the end. I don't know if you can catch that. Wow. I mean, I saw him. I thought that 10 minute scene where he taught people to fish was like a little overboard, but now I get it.
Yeah. When he broke that piece of bread 5000. Yeah.
I was like, wow, that's a little on the nose. No, but, um, uh, when at the very, very end, when he kills red foreman, um, he's walking in a puddle, but it's on water. That's cool. He's sort of a Jesus allegory, which actually I want to, I want to, I want to talk about this, even though it's not in this movie, but I think we can use it to filter it through. So Robocop to the whole premise, uh, correct me for people that have actually seen it. I have not, um, the, the general sense is that. Okay.
So we, we, you know, first Robocop is going great. We should make more Robocops, right? And it turns out that he is the only Robocop possible because every time they try and convert somebody else, they shoot themselves in the head or they, they, they phase out or whatever, because nobody has the strong moral fiber that Murphy does because of his Catholicism.
And then you kind of wonder, surely there's another Catholic in the world somewhere. Is he the Pope?
And what does that, what's that say about like Jewish cops? So it's saying Jewish cops are bad at copying. I think they mostly, I think they mostly are trying to, to change, uh, to, to convert criminals or whatever.
Cause they're like, well, it wipes their personality anyway, even though Murphy, it literally didn't do that with Murphy. But I think even by the second movie kind of comes back, but I just think it's really funny cause that's the problem too with any satirical kind of movie like this. Inevitably, if there's a sequel made, they just lean into the whatever was, they're not doing more subtext. They're like, yeah, shit exploding, right?
Robocop is the best. We need a hundred Robocops. Ah, but if only there were more moral massacres of thieves or whatever, then society would be fine.
Um, well, that's a bummer. They shouldn't have made all those sequels and stuff.
Well, they did the same thing with Starship Troopers. So I bet it's the same. It's the same kind of thing.
Um, Oh, I was, so a couple of things I wanted to mention too. So just again, with Starship Troopers, Beer Hoeven clearly loves naked co-ed shower locker scenes. Dude, I didn't even realize that they're both dragged by him at the time. And when I saw that scene, I was like, there's like gratuitous boobies in, in the locker room of, uh, tough guy school or whatever.
What do you think it's trying to, what is he trying to say? Is this a good thing? Or is that a bad thing?
Or is it just like, he's just like, guys, think about how awesome this would be, or whatever. Well, my first thought was like, well, shit, maybe like, maybe they don't have, uh, men's and women's locker rooms and police stations and, uh, and military compounds. Maybe like this is just normal for them.
But like, but you're creating this world. So what is it? Like, is this a bad future where like sexuality is, is like, what am I? Sexuality isn't front and center. Like sexuality should be such a huge part of my day that I can't, that I can never be near my naked coworker. I don't know. Like it seems like the world is bad.
Right. And then also as a part of this world, we have naked co-ed locker rooms. And I'm just trying to figure out, it's like, is that the one good part? Yeah. If some fascist populace would just come along and be like, hey, co-ed locker rooms for everybody, no matter what your career choice, I'd be like, look, man, you got my vote. Yeah, that's the future I want.
So as long as, as long as men and women all have the same haircut, when, uh, when he's like, when his work wife was introduced and she like takes off her helmet after beating up the, the, the man, uh, she has the exact same haircut as him. And they both like walk eyes. Literally any movie from the 2000s on her hair would come swooping now.
Yeah. Right. It would be like, Oh my God, it's a woman. But in this, it's just like, Oh yeah. Okay. It's a woman. Sure. Great.
Um, but it's not like, again, somebody's pointing this out. Like Steven Guy says there was nudity, but it was de-sexualized. And that's totally true. My only question yourself, man. Yeah. My only question is, is why, I mean, it doesn't matter necessarily. Like I didn't need it to be sexier. I'm just curious what I've just really passed that I wasted an hour and 40 minutes watching movies, not treated the way that I want them to. No, it's just, I, I think it's so interesting to have that just sort of in the background. Um, and, and yeah, like you're saying there, it wasn't, it's not even that was de-sexualized.
It was not androgynous, but it was closer to just like, ah, they're like it's same with Starship troopers in a lot of ways. It's like, Oh, we're all in it together. We're just one of the guys until they hook up later in Starship troopers, I guess. And also everybody's in love with everybody. But in this one, yeah, it's very much, nobody's trying to have sex with anybody unless they're a creepy rapist or a creepy exec or like the only people that are interested in sex are bad guys.
Yeah, true. That's a good point.
Well, but it also like robot Murphy and, and what was the lady cops name, his partner, new partner, partner cop, they, she seen Nancy will call her. She seemed like she wanted to have something going on with him. Like when she helps him calibrate his gun. It was like when she was that movie where that lady does clay with a ghost.
Oh, is it? Is it ghost? I think it's ghost.
Yeah. So it felt, I don't, I would love, I should've looked up when that was, I don't know if this was an homage to that or just like how romance started kicked off back in the eighties. But yeah, she comes up behind and very just like carry that was true. Yeah, also, there's some point there. There's some reason that he's shooting little babies in the baby faces. Yeah. It's so great. That's the thing that I think is so interesting about is there are so many, and this is another thing, right? Like eighties satire movies. That is always the trick. They're like, yeah, it's subtext. This is at no point. I mean, some of it's not the corporate stuff is pretty in your face, but it still feels like, yeah, you're just looking at weird things happening.
You're like, I think that's that he thinks that's bad or there's got to be a reason he's shooting babies in the face. Like I'm not hungry. And I may never be again. So why don't I shoot these babies in the face? What stood out to me is that he's he said he couldn't do it. It was almost like he couldn't bring himself to whatever shooting babies in the face stands for.
Hmm. I don't know. Maybe it's it had to be like, well, I actually meant she she does help him. Right. I meant to go back and rewatch the part where they introduce the baby formula because there's got to be some kind of symbolism there. Like, like, I feel like somebody just holds it up and says, this represents something. And I just forget what that thing is. Somehow is humanity, right? Maybe that's it.
Maybe maybe he was struggling to release himself of the last remnants of his humanity. Well, no, but at that point he's I think he's turning back, if anything, I think he's becoming more human in that moment, because literally the conversation is like, what happened to my wife? And it's like, well, she's gone. He's like, damn, I guess I'm going to shoot these babies. I mean, I guess it could still be a struggle.
I mean, I do think it it represents like the the shittiest worst food you could ever have. Like that's the whole they're like, all he has to eat is this poop goop or whatever. And then the one guy's like, it's not I like it.
Yeah, as a as a member of the adult baby community, it's not so bad. Yeah. Does Robocop shit and piss and everything? Does it does this blood circulate? I guess so.
I think so because they were making the point that they have to maintain the living parts of him. So that's why he eats. And if he eats, presumably he has to shit, but it is unclear where because I guess his legs.
So they they intentionally cut off one of his arm. So one of his arms is blown off regardless. And so they just go ahead and saw off the other arm so that he can have equally strong arms, which honestly makes sense. I don't know if they did that with his legs.
Does this does the suit jerk him off? Yeah. Asks cracked calm, which is to say Brian. That's what he did. Like he obviously has the ability to like repair himself. Right. So you got to imagine he spent a little time or at least after he, you know, saves the day he'll go spend some time create adding a little little tiny robot arm that'll JMO.
Well, it's hard to say because they make a very clear point that one of the one of the guys that he's going to arrest tries to kick him right in the penis. However, that's a big old metal penis, which is not only it's just the wussiest move you could do. It's just so involved. I feel like to kick a dude in the nuts, it's just it requires something different emotionally. I feel like then trying to tackle him or run away or punch him in the face, pull out a gun to be like, okay, wind up. Yeah, and it's not yeah, it's not as easy as movies would have you think because pretty much especially if I'm engaging in in in battle, I'm like, either currently blocking or ready to block my crotch at any second. So it's really if you're in a fight, it's probably not even that good a move. I mean, if you could get in there, I mean, go for it.
I you know, my my sisters were taking crop maga classes. Nice.
And most of that is based on just when at all costs, punch the nuts, gouge eyes, just elbows to the throat, like it doesn't matter, you have to win. I think it's not what this guy trained in though. I mean, he did not go elbows flying. He's just like, yoinks like it's just such a Oh, jeez, don't touch my scalp.
I'm here at the club. I spent so much time with putting my hair together.
Yeah, what a weird thing to enter the club in arrest mode. Just very clearly just right up on his screen is arrest mode, like, I don't know, give yourself five minutes to get into the down mode or something. It is interesting, because they they make a point early on in the movie that the that what the city really needs is a 24 hour cop 24 seven cop. And so that's when they present ED erectile dysfunction cost.
Jason, yes, sort of the the point of any fight is to win at any cost, but not really. I mean, a lot of martial arts, like, seem to be built around the idea of defense or not killing the other person just like ending it as quickly as possible, but like incapacitating and being in control. Grov McGaugh just seems like, how do I inflict maximum damage? Pictured Jason in a thumb war just fully going for a crotch shot at any cost. Doing that pointer finger sneak attack thing. Yeah, I don't think so, buddy. Stomping toes under the table.
Yeah, so but that does raise a question. I doesn't he does appear to need to sleep or at least like recharge like they put him in the in the sleepy time chair. Yeah, when they're like, Oh, by the way, when you're resting, you should sit I know we didn't go over sitting in the in the five years that it took to build you but uh, can introduce you to sitting now. They're like, we've programmed everything about you but oh my god. I forgot to tell you some that's a chair set.
Anyway, I thought, you know, I think I think it's fun too that they don't really cover. They're not really building out the world that much.
They're like world bad, RoboCop kill. It is interesting that the cops are going on strike or they're they're thinking about going on. Yeah, really, that that's the thing that keeps muddying the waters for me is like the head cop is like, we can't go on strike because we're supposed to protect people which no, they don't.
But also, it's, it's, it's sort of like, okay, so the most recent Saw movie, which is Spiral, which is the ninth Saw movie, which is the ninth Saw movie I've seen because I've seen them all. The whole thing is that the new Jigsaw who's not Jigsaw, he's just inspired by his whole thing. I can't even remember his frickin name. Maybe it's spiral. He's like a, like a high talking pig guy.
He is, he's targeting cops. The only people he's killing are cops and he's killing corrupt cops. And, you know, they're making points about bad cops are no good. And yet, Chris Rock is a cop. And his dad, Samuel Jackson is a cop. And they solve the crime and stop the murder.
And you kind of get to the end and you're like, so what are you say? Like, what is the premise?
Like bad cops are, are bad. And good cops are good.
Like, I don't understand. That's like all of life. It's just, it's like these confusing, like, what are you trying to say? Like, it's bad for cops to be bad. That's fine. But if you're trying to suggest that it's systemic, I also don't, I don't necessarily agree that a bad cop should get his fingers pulled off one by one. Like it's, you know, it's just, it's unclear. Yeah. Only a good cop should get his good arm sawed off and replaced with a, with an exo. Well, it's not, it's an intro skeleton, but just a metal skeleton. Yeah. Well, you know, so it's just like, it's interesting to have, they're like, I don't know what we're like, we're presumably talking about the role of modern policing in this, in this movie.
And yet a bunch of cops are like, we should go on strike because we're dying too much. And the main guys like, no, you shouldn't. But also Robocop saves the day. And also, you know, even that weird moment where the three upset guys pop out and there's like 400 cops that are about to shoot him. They're like, hey, he's a friendly cop.
And they're like, I sorry, the orders are to kill them. And they're like, damn it. And then they just walk away. And you're like, I don't, what do you want me to I don't know.
Yeah, it's it does seem like he was he was he was lampooning a lot of stuff. And a lot of it really did work. Like a lot of stuff. There was, you know, a lot of good points to be made on on just like the personal level and also on the level of like critiquing policing and the militarization of police and stuff like that. Yeah, there's just a lot of stuff too that like, pick one thing, just pick one thing to focus on.
If you're gonna give me this big budget satire. Well, that's what I always wanted.
Well, I was reading about it. So just a couple of background things on it that I thought were interesting. So Vir Hovind, they sent him the script the first time. And he looked at it.
He read one page and was like, this sucks. I don't want to do this. And then they're like, I'd buy that for a dollar. What the fuck does that mean? No. And then they sent it to him a second time. And he was like, I don't this sucks. I don't want to do this. But then his wife read it was like, no, it's like a satire.
And like, he's learning to become human. That's sweet. And he's like, fine.
I'll admit, I don't really speak English so well. So I'm not picking up on the subtext. So there's also potentially that issue going on. I mean, I'm sure he speaks. It's an entirely English film. Like, I don't think he doesn't speak English.
Yeah, I agree, Jordan. Learn English if you're gonna be working here, here in England, learn English. Yeah, hell yeah. But that was one of the so one of the things is that one of the writers is also has directed some stuff. And he was like, I mean, I'll do it.
And they said they didn't they didn't want to trust him with an $11 million budget because he was inexperienced, which is, you know, higher in 1987 than it is now. But it's not life changingly high. Yeah, it's probably like a $20 million budget, which is, I mean, for a sci fi movie called Robocop.
Because that was the other things that had a lot of trouble with the marketing, because they were like, how do we get kids to not think this is like a Transformers movie? Oh, true. That was yeah, the heyday of Transformers, or adults, I guess, specifically. And also kids weren't allowed.
I mean, what was it? What was it rated? I forget.
It was rated R, right? Yeah, it was definitely rated R. But actually, somebody pointed this out and I was going to bring it up. Jack Atkinson was saying, speaking of violence and gore, the movie initially had an x rating because how bad he got shot up.
And actually, that's not what I meant to find. That's not what I meant.
Rory Rorschach says that the x rated version had the proper amount of violence to allow the joke to manifest. But the R rated version shortened the brutality.
So it, you know, some of it is literally corporate meddling. Just kind of confusing all of that. So yeah, you know, what's frustrating is the thought that maybe if they had actually released it as an x rated movie, there's a good chance it would not have been this giant, like cultural touchstone that's lasted 35 years, you know, like you hate to admit when like the sensors or corporations are kind of right when it comes to life.
Like they know how to make money. They know how to make stuff that people go out and spend money on.
So yeah, yeah, and it is interesting to see. Yeah, just how people were so inspired by it. I mean, I think it's really, it's always refreshing to go back and see an older action movie that just didn't have the benefit of CG.
And I was just like, damn, they're like blowing up that house and they're freaking blowing up that gas station. I was like, yeah, it looks great. And even to the point where I was like, man, they just, they just blow shit up and they don't even care. Like when that house explodes, they don't linger on it at all. It's just like, it explodes. And then it cuts like two seconds later. I was like, guys, that was a big explosion. They're like, yeah, okay, we got another explosion.
Like the gas station. We got more coming up. They milked it.
They showed it from like 10 angles and he's like walking through the fire. Yeah, that slow walk. Yeah.
And it was it was rad as hell. But there are other equally massive or at least close to massive explosions that they're just like, yeah, you know, this is what we do. This is an exploding movie. We can't focus on every explosion as opposed to, you know, now every explosion seems to be fake or it doesn't feel weighty in any way.
I don't know. So we got to just watch the raid over and over and over. Just punches and kicks and some weapons we don't need.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, apparently that the book worm in the gas station that guy's dead, I guess. Right. So well, he grabbed his book and ran. So he did run. Okay, good.
It's not because they were spraying gas on the window. And he's like, it seems like this is not going to end. There was a thing. There was a part where there was like a tube and pink stuff was coming out of the tube. Was that supposed to be? I thought that was like future gas. I think so. Yeah, okay. I guess I guess at first, it didn't seem like anyone is too upset. So it's like, oh, I guess future gas is inflammable. And then it was very much so highly.
What happened? Something happened. Oh, he shot at RoboCop. And that's why some bullets ricocheted and caused things to that was the other thing too.
So somebody was mentioning how Peter Weller is great in this role. And he is. I mean, it's like a robot. So, you know, maybe not the hardest thing to just be however, or do you know this about No, I don't think so. He he trained with a mime for a long time to like, get his motions to look sufficiently robotic. I think he does a good job. It is really funny because most movies don't action movies don't star a slow ass tank of a dude. You know, yeah, right. Yeah, I thought his movements were like, I'd say they're really good for the 80s. I thought there was a lot of times when it was just like, it felt like, you know, a kid recreating it in his backyard being like, oh, I can't shoot the gun because of this, because of the rules, you know, like, yeah, that one scene was like, he's not he doesn't look like he's acting, which I guess he's acting the whole movie. And it's also funny that like his like, all he had to do was speak in monotone. And then they gave it that little like robotic filter, you know, like, it's, I'm sure he does a great job, but it actually struck me as like, this is like a weird performance.
It's not like, I don't know, it's not like, what's a good performance? The most recent Thor movie in that. Yeah, no, I'm kidding.
I feel like people have been given that a lot of shit for being like weirdly acted. But anyway, I thought he was kind of weird to watch actually. Well, yeah, but I also think that everything feels weird from the 80s now generally speaking. And like I was saying off the top, like because it's hyper violent satire, like the stilted weirdness of a robot cop who is impervious to bullets is kind of like, I don't know, doesn't really take me out of it.
I wasn't going into it. And that's the thing too. So the thing about him becoming a human, I don't care. I didn't like I wasn't like, oh my God, thank you.
That's so great for you, Peter. Like I, you know, he doesn't even have a daughter. I love to that all of his flashbacks involve people running at his face.
Like, yeah, yeah, his wife is like, hey, you're here. I want to have sex with you. And then his son's like, dad, we're doing a photo. Yeah, they'll have the energy of like a like a TikTok character, like just being like right up in the screen. Yeah, I'm a wife. Yeah. I got something to tell you, you big stupid piece. I love you. Oh, their relationship must be fun, because that's the thing too, right?
Like he, that's always going to be the trick of like a pure action movie is how do you humanize all of these characters? But ultimately, you don't want to actually spend any time on it, because nobody cares what the wife, what her dreams were.
I want to see Robocop shoot 300 people, you know, so like, yeah, you're having to find ways to do that really quickly and really cleverly. I think that's actually one of the impressive things about I think it was Guardians of the Galaxy two. They did such a good job. They had such a huge cast, and they gave everybody their own tiny little arcs. And I was like, huh, I'm happy to see that the raccoon has found his family and stuff like that. It's just such a tricky thing to do.
And I feel like the easiest way to do it is comedy, because it endears you to a character faster because you're like, haha, they made me laugh. I care about this guy now. And I loved ones, too. Yeah, instead of just trying to be like, he was married. Don't you care about love? And you're like, yeah, I like jokes.
And honestly, this kid's Halloween costume, not that original. The devil obviously a store bought devil. No, he doesn't look cute or whatever. It's like a dumb little kid.
Get him out of here. Honestly, they did Robo Robocop a favor. He can start a new.
Yeah. And I mean, now that Robocop's Jesus, I still have to hunt his son down and end him. Right. Is that for Jesus? I guess I never finished the book, but oh, okay. Yeah. Depends on how you're looking at it. Yeah.
So anyway, I didn't have any other big things. I just I thought it was interesting.
Not only was the bad guy. One of the bad guys defeated by a metal penis, but his his cop lady friend was also defeated by a penis.
How? So remember, they they walk into the warehouse and he's like my dicks out and she's like. Looks at his dick, gets punched in the face. Oh, I didn't I didn't remember that. Like that's he's literally just watching and waiting to see if she'll look at his penis so that he can punch her, which is.
I must have been I must have been checking my phone at that point. I honestly don't remember it, but it sounds like it sounds like the have we talked. Oh, I think we've talked about this.
The penis game from waiting from the film waiting. With Dane Cook and Ryan Reynolds and stuff. Is that where they like tuck it? Yeah, they do all. Yeah, they manipulate their genitals and trick their friends into into looking at them. Oh, what's up?
Thank you, John Burns. Yeah, I was I was going to put this up, but I was waiting for you to finish whatever penis point you had before we John. Thank you for the money because this is not monetized. So now we've made five Canadian dollars, which is probably like a dollar in a mirror and real money.
Actually, I'm assuming it's Canadian. I don't actually know.
What's California dollars? California dollars. It's actually it's in grapes.
John Byrne says I pay good money to see a cyborg question mark. He does actually explicitly say that he's a cyborg. The the the vice president says he's a cyborg, you idiot.
He recorded you and you want to see him commit mass murder in a movie. Why are you trying to make him so wholesome on with the murders?
I think that's kind of my I agree a little bit. I mean, I don't really agree. I guess it's it's funny to be like, no, no, no, no, it's satire, so it's fine, but it is like. It is still really cool, so. I kind of I like it.
Yeah, they also I'm also kind of glad they didn't go overboard with like the technology, like the interfaces, you know, like at first is a little bit laughable, like like when he like cross references with that database that has like it has stored everybody's like mouth, nose and eyes separately, and they all show up like a roulette game to fit to like figure out who the bad guy is that when I first saw that, I thought that was a little bit dumb. But then I was actually glad they didn't like, you know, hire somebody to go make this like this like perfect like futuristic sci-fi database. Like, no, just let him like shove his weird little middle finger into the USB port and pull up the video. Don't try to explain why that can happen. Keith Keith Plots just says he interfaces just like R2D2. I was literally just going to say that it's like it's like you just have this like built in thing that happens. Like you have a USB stick for fingers or whatever.
And it's like, well, that's fortunate. Yeah. Speaking of that, the the erectile dysfunction bot would he like falls down the stairs? That was really absolutely hilarious. But like why did they even program him to be able to like squeal and have a temper, like a temper tantrum? Right. Like I don't know why that but I I know that they're trying to show that he's like the shittiest robot of all time, because that's like the guy's whole point.
He's like, it's intimidating and it can kill things. But it's it's effectively useless. It can't go upstairs or downstairs. It'll just kill you for no reason.
Oh, Brian points out that the bat wing is from waiting. The bat wing and the goat are ball sack tricks that they reference. The goat is the one where they stuff it between their legs. I don't know what the bat wing is.
I think that you just spread out the sack. Oh, well, I'm learning a lot. I believe. Cool. So I enjoyed it. There's also there's also the log. The log is when you just hang hang your dong out, hang hog. And I think that's it sounds like that's what happened in this film.
He he hung dong hung hog and she didn't think to back up before inspecting it. And she got punched in the face. She should let that be a lesson.
Yeah. And oh, I was going to say, I have this long standing feud, as you know, Jesse, with really everyone letting me put piss in things in in. Oh, yeah.
I got I I got an F in a class because I put piss in my video. Fake piss, but and then Snapchat has been flagging me for trying to put piss in videos. YouTube flagged me for talking about piss in a video and Robocop got to do it.
Yeah. Wait, what did they do?
When did they they like directly reference piss? Are they show piss? No, he pisses. That's the whole thing. She walks up behind him while he's peeing. Oh, well, he's pissing here. And his his penis is out.
And it's just like, why can't I do that? Well, let's put that in the thumbnail for this particular video. Oh, because it's already demonetized. Oh, yeah, true.
It was a shit piss club. I'm going to just have. Yeah, just just tons. It's just going to be piss. It's just going to be liquid. Piss.
Hell, yeah. I mean, liquid gold, man. Joe Averig points out that I have the same obsession as Tom Hanks from The Green Mile. I just want to piss, but nobody will let me piss until a big, strong man touches my penis with his magic.
Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. Which is really all I've ever wanted.
Yeah, there's also a thing in in in waiting in the film waiting, one of the guys can't piss when people are around. Yeah, you can't piss at work. How come they could do it? I can't put piss in anything.
I think P is funny. It's so benign. Who cares? Yeah, I don't find it sexual either. It's benign to me, too.
All right, Donald Trump. All right, so we're going to we're going to throw this to the to the unwashed masses unless you've got anything else that you wanted to hit. I think that's all my main points. Yeah, I was thinking I might I might pee on camera when we're done with this just to get it out of my system. Let's do it, man. And figuratively, Keith points out again.
Scary Movie 3, the aliens piss through their fingers. It's like, what am I doing? Why can't I piss?
Anyway, doesn't matter. Keith points out that he thought it was Rob who became an Okop. That's actually not true. What's an Okop?
I don't know. Paul Verhoeven may have overestimated Americans ability to get social critiques, does he even guy? That's I want to say that's actually a really good way to put this because I've had this this like weird little thing pops up in my brain anytime people talk like condescendingly about media literacy. Like, yes, I think media literacy literacy is important and like it does need to be like discussed and maybe even taught in schools, who knows? But like when people get mad at people for thinking like Walter White is the good guy or something to aspire to or think like, oh, RoboCop makes me think that cops fucking rule like you can't just. I don't know. How did Stephen put it? You overestimate Americans ability to get social critique. Yeah, like media literacy isn't something you're born with. Like if America just sees a robot cop and says, yeah, cops, well, then you have to take that into consideration when you're making your media.
Anyway, I'm I I generally agree. I think this is going to sound like the most puritan idea in the whole world. But there was a and I don't agree with it, but I think it's really interesting.
So there was a so again, my band played a lot of like youth camps and churches and stuff back in the day. And we went to one college to play.
And their one rule was that you were not allowed to use drums because drums are so emotionally affecting that they can get you excited and create a false emotional resonance that may or may not be legit. So like you might be feeling emotions like elated emotions or whatever that are not actually coming from an actual spiritual experience. And so they don't want people to be falsely drawn into it solely because of man, how sick are drums and like whatever.
It's weird. But I do. I get your point where like you're watching Breaking Bad and they're like it's a visual. It's an audio visual medium. And there is stuff that they're doing to make you think it's rad.
Like your your monkey brain is like, damn, if I had the power of a handgun. Well, shit, I'd be a badass. Look how rad the big sound in the blood. And there's something just innate that's making my adrenaline spike.
And so it is it is unaware to just. Yeah, you can't just be like, hey, man, I'm just telling a story. And if you didn't get it, that's your fault. It's like, no, man, you know what you're doing. Well, and that's the other part of it.
That's the interesting issue, too, is you actually have to not be invested in the thing usually to get a critique of it. So like if you're just experiencing the thing as it's happening, of course, you're not noticing satire. If you're just investing in the story that's being told, usually you have to take a step back. And ironically, this is the thing that I am going to be preaching to my kids. But like, hey, this this shit is trying to get you to watch. Like, that's really all it cares. So we need to take a step back and be like, why did we like this? Was it because you also want to sling meth? Because that's not a that's not a feeling I want you to walk away with. And so, you know, anyway, I if you're just sitting in the theater and the and the boobs and the explosions are happening to you. Yeah, you're not going to be like observing the satire.
It's you actually have to have some distance to that. And then you're not as invested. You're not having as much fun or you're not interacting in the same way.
Anyway, sure. Well, there's like a very modern, very recent thing that touches on all that, that like was it like one of the like the creator of The Boys recently came out and was like, yeah, how did you not know that Homelander is Donald Trump? He's like a direct Trump parody because people like he came out and said that and a bunch of like conservatives are like, hey, wait a minute. I'm painting him in a bad light. And he's like, what do you fucking mean? This is obvious. So, yeah, it's like it's a cool show. And if you're wrapped up in it, you don't realize what what is trying to tell you.
Well, and they, you know, also omitted.
I'm not becoming pissed. I'm just I'm just talking about is become pissed. Oh, I get it. That's the joke, because I love piss. You're right. I love the piss. Give me, give me, give me, give me, give me.
I think I mean, even the boys often will will have brief asides to say, hey, Homelander had a really bad childhood. He's really lonely. He's actually pretty sad. With great power comes great, you know, horny sadness.
And so even in that, because it's more interesting that Ray, right? Like real life is more nuanced. But in a freaking movie where you're not going to meet Homelander and talk to him and like interact to be like, I think overall net bad, you could be swayed by that shit.
And now I've pissed all over myself. Also, it popped up an oh, cop is an orgasm cop, in case you're wondering.
Oh, good. Nice. Remember, it takes place in six years in Detroit. We did cover that.
Did I see the toxic Avenger films? No. Did you did you? I don't even know.
That is what if Robocop decides strictly for paperwork? There's actually something interesting in that where it's like, surely that's a that's a thing that probably bogs everything down is like doing that. And also people like cheat on it. I mean, that's one of the problems that we get a lot where like cops are not entirely forthcoming about all the details of a case. So there's like an impartial robot cop who's like that's actually not what happened.
And he's just like has all the all the notes. I think that's great green lit.
Robocop versus system, man. I think I think that popped up. Keith, I think, said that when we were talking about fighting the system and good, like good cops trying to be good cops within a bad system. Robocop versus Judge Dredd who has the worst dystopia. Frickin Judge Dredd does. They live in mega cities with like like millions of people in like an apartment complex.
It's awful. It's the crime is so much worse.
What are you talking about?
Robocop is fine. Neil Stevenson's novel Snow Crash features a world with privatized police and privatized infrastructure.
That's correct. I actually.
Gription highways. This this year, part of my goal for the year was to read a bunch of classic sci-fi books. And I read my first one was Snow Crash.
And what's really interesting about that is, well, the privatized police is interesting, but it's actually like every section of America is like privatized enclave. So you're going into like mafia pizza joints and like you're constantly crossing borders all the time.
Anyway, it's a good book. It's a little hard to read in some ways.
Murphy, family man, good partner, son of God. Hell yeah.
So Jacob points out that they use criminals in the second film as opposed to more Catholics because they think they'll be easier to control and manipulate. And also they have less rights or something in this dystopian society. Jacob points out except that actually in our current society, the 13th Amendment actually has a stipulation that says slavery is legal if you are incarcerated.
So it's still bad. It's bad now, too.
So I actually that makes a lot of sense. You can't just grab a Catholic and make him a robot cop. I like the idea of using like white collar criminals to go be just like an overweight middle aged like, you know, tax guy in his haptic suit. Well, they're cutting his arms and his legs also. Who cares?
That's true. Yeah. Jason Himmler points out the TV had that I buy that for a dollar with a bear boob. So we're supposed to think that that's regular local television. I guess that's true.
I don't see the game.
So it's so that would that would suggest that the de-sexualization is almost is a bad thing because it's just everywhere and nobody cares anymore as opposed to like. Maybe a more ideal, like pure view of sex, I guess. So it does seem to suggest that it's bad, that nudity is everywhere. And that's that's that's why society is bad.
Malice LP is clarifying that he has some internal organs. His face, majority of his skull and the spinal cord. But that's about it. The rest is robot parts. Well, there has to be a couple other parts because he has to eat something.
But sure. Yeah, yeah. Oh, internal organs. Yeah, yeah.
I still think he has a regular human wiener. And I think that when he got kicked in the crotch, he had like a like a cup or, you know, like, yeah. A metal condom. Yeah, like a big old condom.
Just in case. John Burns points out that he was a bad cop who died for all of cops. Since when he comes back, he's Jesus copies a good cop. Wow, that's really. So now all cops can be redeemed if only they believe in Robocop. Jesus did forget his wife and kid.
If if the score is in round novels are to be to be. Oh, Dan Brown. Yeah, yeah, that's you. The actor that got got shot so many times in that Ed scene or the Ed 209 scene that he ended up with actual injuries. I believe it.
Do shot a lot, a lot of squibs. Oh, we got to we got to crank through these. You you guys aren't kids of the 80s. Use our meddling in affairs.
You know nothing about says YouTuber.
I had a solid four years in the 80s, man. I remember I don't know, maybe like Velcro sneakers. That's about it. I was born during the peak of the Gulf War.
The first one, baby. Oh, congrats. I brought it to a close with my birth. The one that they'd foretold.
Omitted points out that he's just my side Borg, not his main Borg, his Borg on main. I can't piss. Oh, there you go. Can't piss on camera until I explain all the robocop stuff.
That's really good. And then at the end, it just like fire hose of piss. That's great.
It's great listening to Brian Cranston talk about the character and how he went out of his way to portray him as a loser and ass hat, says Joe Everg. He did a pretty good job. He mostly fucked up because I idolized that man. So it's not my fault. He mostly sucked.
Definitely at the end. I just finished rewatching at the end.
He's a real piece of shit. OK, so Joe is clarifying that Murphy doesn't survive because he's moral. He just won't kill himself because he's Catholic.
OK. Oh, my God.
Robocop was released in Boston. He does this robocop cap.
Thank you. Nice. Thank you for tagging that, Brian. That was really that's eating keeps him sane by allowing him human functions. I guess that's true.
I'd probably lose it if I could never shit. Yeah, I mean, I can't. I can't piss. Nobody will let me.
All right, one more. Who's the better robot? Jesus, Optimus Prime, a robocop.
Oh, it's it's it's big. It's big titties again. Hey, they're back.
Probably robocop. Robot Jesus. Hmm. Is Optimus Prime a cop? Oh, no, that's not part of the question. Robot Jesus. It's a good it's a good question. I don't know. I don't give a shit about Optimus Prime. Sorry.
All right. We're going to do we're going to do all titles because we do it. Got to wrap this up. So obviously, I got Murphy's Law. And feel free to if you have an alternate title for this movie, just throw in the chat and Brinell Brinell tag it. So Murphy's Law.
Um, Iron Butt. Yeah, I do love that scene where he's like, hey, man, I had a boss, too, and like I used to say bad stuff, too. Used to call him Iron Butt. Iron Butt.
Yeah. Call him Boner. One time, I even called him. Asshole. You're like, there's a there's a Homestar Runner sketch about I honestly don't remember what the premise was, but at some point, they're trying to convince a character to cuss. And he's like, I've been known to drop a cuss dapper biscuits. And everybody laughs at him. He's like, well, damn it. Well, I guess he didn't say that because it's home to our runner. He's like, I'm going to go home and get teen pregnant. They're all like, wow.
Anyway, so there's that. There are other ones like I'd buy that for a dollar, but that's too easy. My other one is Red Dead. Yeah. I guess he never gets redeemed. Well, I guess I guess RoboCop does a Red Dead redemption. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. Well, you got I love anything. Let's see.
Wait, where are they? Are they in old Detroit or they in new Detroit? I feel like it's some sort of I think old Detroit is distinct from the the future Detroit that they're going to build. OK, OK, well, I'm just going to say hog hanging in old Detroit.
OK. Yeah, we're going to use that one.
Cop mouth. Oh, one thing I wanted to talk about is how one of the bad guys immediately recognizes him just from his mouth, right? Because he's got his the rest of his mask up, which is so. Well, but it's so funny that like Batman, for just for one example, always gets away without being recognized when that exact portion of his face is always visible. I respect that this movie is like, yeah, we can tell by people's fucking mouths who they are.
Well, but he also says, ah, I'll take you in alive or dead. Like, that's his catchphrase. That I think that's what tips you're talking about. The that's what it's like to read that guy that keeps on getting shit on. Yeah. That's what tips him off. He's like, wait, nobody ever wants to take me in alive or dead. I know you. Yeah. Let's see. OK, guns, guns, guns. That's something Red Foreman says at one point. I wrote that down. Yeah.
But then I deleted it because I think it was good enough. But I'm glad you did it. It'll be good in print. It'll look better.
OK, ready? This one's going to win. When people jerk me off, I kill them. Yeah, right. Let me write that down. When people jerk Jesse off, he kills them. Great. So now we're going to throw it to the right. He recognized his voice and what he said. Adam Fink agrees with me. OK. And the actual lines.
But he's still talking like a like a different guy and B with the robotic thing to it. So I still don't buy the voice thing.
And well, let's start with John Burns here. He says Iron Boner cannot pee.
That's a good title. I like that you're advocating for yourself. It's a good pitch. Very confident pitch. I appreciate your. Proactiveness, all right.
Oops, I forgot to. I forgot to promote this on Facebook.
Oh, that's OK. Robo of Nazareth is good. I honestly almost feel like you could just do Robo Cop of Nazareth, but cop Jesus, cop Jesus. Nice. That's fun. The best Gerber baby food ad ever. That's true. Future Fascism brought to you by Gerber. Yeah, I love it.
Bitches leave. Yeah, which is what Red Foreman says when he walks in.
That was very good. I thought it was pretty funny.
Rob O'Cop, how the Irish took over Detroit. It's the it's the sequel to The Irishman. They have to deage Murphy or whatever. Buzz Lightyear back to the hood is excellent.
Um, I don't know why Brian keeps tagging us. We already said it.
Dead or alive. You're coming with me. Go away. All right. Oh.
Sequels for side characters. Fuck me, Guy Ravi, the convenience store. Oh, yeah, that was another dumb thing that like criminals don't do. They don't just say fuck me over and over. It's a satire of something. Sure. Don't worry about it. That scene was really interesting. Because that's another thing that they they could have hit more, which is like RoboCop saves the day, but the store is so trashed because he doesn't like do anything.
He just waits for him to fire 7000 rounds and then throws them into like the the milk case or whatever. And it's like, dude. Yeah, he never apprehends the only like incapacitates. He never like brings it back to the station. He's always like, all right, I got to go break some somebody else's neck now. Yeah, he's like, you're under arrest.
Cardiac arrest. You're dead. I want it. Oh, you're under cardiac arrest.
I'll write that down. Nice. I won't use it, but I like to feel good about things.
So let's let's wrap this up. You ready? Rock them up. Let's do it.
So I'm going to start because I never start.
You can find me at the underscore J underscore breeding on the Twitters. And I'm on YouTube both here at Cracked. And, you know, I might have a secret channel that only has one video from when I was 15 on it. Maybe. And where can we find you, Jesse? Oh, you're going to want to check me out on Twitter at Eisman. You can see right there, but it's spelled E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N. And we are live streaming every Thursday at 4 p.m. Eastern, if you haven't noticed that.
And next week we are covering Jordan Peele's nope. Nope.
I'm thinking I'm going to go see it tonight because I want to see it. I thought I was going to see it with you guys, but based on the way that all you New Yorkers schedules work, I have no faith that you'll both be free and available at the same time.
Yeah, we keep on getting work. Yeah, you guys are booking, bro. And yeah, just subscribe to us on the Spotify's and the Apple podcast and the the YouTube's. Yeah, just we do this for you. We're not even frickin monetized, except now we are. John Burns gave us another five bucks Canadian to now we are.
Red Foreman's wife plays the secretary he hits on. That is actually an excellent act.
What does he say? He's like, you think you could fit me in? Yeah, he's like, after this, I'm free. I think you could fit me in. Mm hmm. I love it.
Do a Serbian film. All right, Jason, you have 10 seconds to suggest a Serbian film.
Oh, Snatch is so good, by the way. Ever seen, never seen it. Snatch is Snatch Rocks.
Oh, Guy Ritchie in general, somebody that we should cover. Have you seen any Guy Ritchie movies?
I don't think so. I don't know.
Name couple. He did Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Snatch, The Gentleman, Rock and Rolla. He also did like the new Sherlock Holmes movies.
Oh, is a Serbian film a movie? Yeah. Oh, it is. Oh, that's weird. The horror movie and it's also a Serbian horror movie.
Wow. They sound really creative over there. That's that's a really big. Really looks really good.
LA Confidential is great. There's a lot of good ones here, but send them to the we put a link and I'll put another link after this, but just click on the link and send it to us. Thank you all for watching so much. It's fun. Thank you for the comments. They're goofy. I got a private chat from Brian that says they fuck a baby in it.
It's all. Yeah. Well, maybe I don't want to watch a Syrian film who made us watch. Titan says that this movie is a little bit too. Well, OK, that is pretty gross. Yeah. I don't want to besmirch Titan by comparing it to that. Everything I'm seeing says that I'm not going to watch that.
But thank you for the suggestion. Good night. Come back next week.
Yeah, the big two. Right. He recognized his voice and what he said. Adam Fink agrees with me.
OK, and the actual lines voice, but he's still talking like a like a different guy in B with a robotic thing to it. So I still don't buy the voice thing.
And well, let's start with John Burns here. He says Iron Boner cannot pee.
That's a good title. I like that you're advocating for yourself. It's a good pitch. Very confident pitch. I appreciate your. Proactiveness.
Oops. Forgot to. Forgot to promote this on Facebook.
Oh, that's OK. Robo of Nazareth is good. And. I honestly almost feel like you could just do Robo Cop of Nazareth, but. Cop Jesus, cop Jesus. Nice. That's fun. The best Gerber baby food ad ever. That's true.
Future Fascism brought to you by Gerber. Bitches leave. Oh, yeah, which is what Red Foreman says when he walks in.
That was very good. I thought it was pretty funny.
Rob O Cop, how the Irish took over Detroit. It's the it's the sequel to the Irishman. They have to D age Murphy or whatever. Buzz Lightyear back to the hood.
Excellent. I don't know why Brian keeps tagging us. We already said it dead or alive. You're coming with me. Go away. All right. Oh. Sequels for side characters. Fuck me, Guy Ravi, the convenience store. Oh, yeah.
That was another dumb thing that like criminals don't do. They don't just say fuck me over and over. It's a satire of something. Sure. Don't worry about it. Oh, that scene was really interesting because that's another thing that they they could have hit more, which is like Robo Cop saves the day.
But the store is so trashed because he doesn't like do anything. He just waits for him to fire 7000 rounds and then throws them into like the the milk case or whatever. And it's like, dude, yeah, he never apprehends. He only like incapacitates. He never like brings it back to the station.
He's always like, all right, I got to go break some somebody else's neck now. Yeah, he's like, you're under arrest.
Cardiac arrest. You're dead. I want it. Oh, you're under cardiac arrest.
I'll write that down. Nice. And I won't use it, but I like to feel good about things.
So let's let's wrap this up. You ready? Rack them up. Let's do it.
So I'm going to start because I never start.
You can find me at the underscore underscore breeding on the Twitters. And I'm on YouTube both here at Cracked. And, you know, I might have a secret channel that only has one video from when I was 15 on it. Maybe. And where can we find you, Jesse? Oh, you're going to want to check me out on Twitter at Eisman. You can see right there, but it's spelled E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N. And we are live streaming every Thursday at 4 p.m. Eastern, if you haven't noticed that.
And next week we are covering Jordan Peele's Nup. Nope.
I'm thinking I'm going to go see it tonight because I want to see it. I thought I was going to see it with you guys, but based on the way that all you New Yorkers schedules work, I have no faith that you'll both be free and available at the same time to go watch the movie.
Yeah, we keep on getting work. Yeah, you guys are booking, bro. And yeah, just subscribe to us on the Spotify's and the Apple podcast and the the YouTube's. You know, just we do this for you. We're not even frickin monetized. Except now we are. John Burns gave us another five bucks Canadian to say we are.
Red Foreman's wife plays the secretary he hits on. That is actually an excellent act.
What does he say? He's like, you think you could fit me in? Yeah, he's like, after this, I'm free. I think you could fit me in. I love it.
Do a Serbian film. All right, Jason, you have 10 seconds to suggest a Serbian film.
Oh, Snatch is so good, by the way. Ever seen, never seen it. Snatch is Snatch Rocks.
Oh, Guy Ritchie in general, somebody that we should cover. You seen any Guy Ritchie movies?
I don't think so. I don't know.
Name couple. He did Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Snatch. The Gentleman, Rock and Rolla. He also did like the new Sherlock Holmes movies.
Oh, is a Serbian film a movie? Oh, it is. Oh, that's weird. It's a horror movie, and it's also a Serbian horror movie.
Wow, they sound really creative over there. That's that's a really big. Really looks really good.
LA Confidential is great. There's a lot of good ones here, but send them to the we put a link and I'll put another link after this, but just click on the link and send it to us. Thank you all for watching so much. It's fun. Thank you for the comments.
They're goofy. I got a private chat from Brian that says they fuck a baby in it. It's awful.
Yeah. Well, maybe I don't want to watch a Serbian film who made us watch. Titane says that this movie is a little bit too. Well, OK, that is pretty gross. Yeah. I don't want to besmirch Titane by comparing it to that. Everything I'm seeing says that I'm not going to watch that, but thank you for the suggestion.
Good night. Come back next week. We're watching. |
dropout | hardly_working_spitballing_all_nighter_2012 | Alright guys, we need to come up with a big idea for the summer. We've been here three hours and all I have written down is the phrase, two scoops and what appears to be a crudely drawn picture of an owl farting.
Alright, I'm just spitballing here, but what if instead of Batman and Catwoman, it was Catman and Batwoman? I don't know. No, that's a thing. And again, just spitballing here, but what if he has a catchphrase that he says every time he naps a bad guy like, that's how Catman do?
I'm just eyeballing here, but I think this is the right amount of rum for a dark and stormy. Okay, so I'm just highballing here, but my stars, Mr. Blackwell, I haven't had a rump in the hay like that since my childhood pony Abigail had a bout of apoplexy. Just lowballing here, but 15 bucks is my final offer for that house. Okay, I'm just sleazeballing here, but Jenny, how about we go back to my La Quinta and I make you my butt puppet? Doink. Let me just keep sleazeballing here in response to that and say, oh yeah! She's balling here, but that was the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. Alright, I'm just hardballing here, but Dan, if you don't come up with an idea soon, your affair with that window washer's gonna be plastered all over the front page of the New York Post. I'm just powerballing, but the next number up is seven! Alright guys, I'm just freeballing here, but it feels really nice. Okay guys, I'm just blueballing here. Oh no, come on, don't stop. I'm trying to nut. I'm just hairballing here, but okay. I'm just eightballing here, but alright, I'm just skee-balling here, but I'm just meatballing here, but okay. I'm just Cinderella's balling here, but oh no, okay, I'm just snowballing here, but like sometimes it feels like we're having a normal brainstorm and then things just keep getting bigger and bigger and crazier and out of control, and it's like I don't even know what we're fucking talking about anymore, because everything's so fucking crazy, and it's like I just want to talk about catman and bat- catchphrase, but nobody cares, because you're all a bunch of fucking wild animals.
You're a bunch of fucking fools. Wait, wait, guys, guys, I get it now. The farting owl was meant to be a biting allegory for Mitt Romney's failed tax policies. |
dropout | hardly_working_the_cartoon_ii_animal_sex | If a dolphin could speak to you and ask you to f**k it and you could f**k a dolphin every single day for 365 days, a full year and every single day it would look more and more like the woman of your dreams and on the 365th day, it would just become your dream girl. But like, on day 214, it's half dolphin, half human, like fins, half grown arms, and it's like, kind of talk, like, Ugh, I'm starving! Let it hurt!
So, I don't know. A bald eagle, because they're badass. He would just put me on his back and be like, where we going sister? And I'd be like, Olive Garden, duh. We would cruise over, wouldn't have to pay for gas, just fly over houses and if I didn't like someone to live there, I'd just be like, hey boy, take a dump real quick and you would just squirt one out. So then we touched down, but then everyone's like whispering because they're all like, oh my god, he's bald, right? He's an eagle, not a big deal. So then I'm like, excuse me, we're not going to eat here anymore. I'm just going to hop on the back of my boyfriend here and we're going to fly to Applebee's. Take that.
An armadillo, because I think I have a thing for girls that sort of have a little bit of a shell between them and the world and I kind of keep prying and keep prying away until I got to the essence of her. Until I kind of, you know, tore off the crust and it was sort of bleeding everywhere and it just kind of looked like a hermit crab without its shell and I think that's what I've truly, that's what love actually is. A bleeding armadillo, yeah.
Whatever the cat from Thundercats was. Snarf. Oh, there's a woman Thundercat, right. Okay, wait, let me start over. Now I'm still going to stick with Snarf. I would fuck Snarf.
I think thresher sharks are beautiful animals. They have long, gorgeous tails, angular. If you ever double cross a thresher, it'll cut your head off at any given moment, just like a woman, they could cut your head off. I would gladly take a thresher shark, female. I ain't gonna do no gay shit. I'd gladly take a female thresher shark out for, you know, Thai food or not sushi.
We could just watch each other, touching ourselves, Al Green playing kind of a thing or she could delicately put myself in her mouth and just not use teeth. A giraffe because I could ride it around while I hugged its neck. That's like spooning as tightly as I can and like asking it to like run quickly and like jump over stuff. That would be something that would make people jealous. She can do whatever she wants and then I can do, you know, whatever she wants me to do.
Like whatever, like from behind, from in front, deep, throat-ing. The deepest throat of all, a giraffe. All right, listen, if we're going for proximity with human being, then we're going gorilla. Except I've always been intimidated by women who are larger than me. So maybe a chimpanzee, except like the sort of rowdy, like the rowdiness.
But a lot of great relationships end in violence. Romeo and Juliet, she eats his face in genitals and then gets shot on a freeway. |
cracked | 5_movies_too_stupid_to_notice_they_discovered_immortality_yboc | Hey there nerds, it's me, Dr. Jordan Breeding. Breeding like the rabbits and Jordan like the basketball. Welcome to your brain on crack.
It's not going great. Dave's mom kicked us out of the basement.
But anyway, this is the show that exists solely through sheer willpower and human innovation. And that like all human innovation, it's basically just the tiniest tweaks to preexisting shit. And while I leveraged my genius into a minuscule amount of money and an overwhelming amount of endless stress, not everyone sees the true value in what they've created. The person who made math didn't make Tetris and the person who made Tetris didn't invent this drinking game I wrote when I was 14. This is especially true of fictional innovators.
And I'm here to help. After all, I'm a doctor. I mean, a fictional doctor, but not like, I mean, I'm a real person. But like the problems I'm trying to fix are fictional. I mean, yeah, I guess I am playing like a heightened version of myself. This is still my real name and sometimes I sneak a little truths about my life and you.
Speaking of not reaching your full potential, Star Trek Into Darkness features the return of the director who rebooted the space saga with an over bloated nostalgia filled romp to be followed by a sequel sporting the return of a long gone villain with few powers who is defeated by one of the co-leads after killing the other. And the villain also at one point pretends to be a terrifyingly scrawny white guy with a different name. And despite promising to be the most thrilling 9-11 analogy since J.J. Abrams' last movie, this film ruined all of Star Trek movies that followed. Although that's also true of Star Wars. They fucked out! In both star movies, J.J. Abrams did away with a fear of death. Granted, the elaborate cloning process that doesn't quite work and requires dark side magic in Star Wars might not be ready for the open market yet, but in Star Trek Into Darkness, death can be defeated by just rubbing some blood on it.
Specifically, the magic blood taken from Khan, the famously Indian character pictured here standing next to a famously Tibetan character. Open your fucking eyes. See, Khan's blood can apparently do anything. Cure all illnesses, reverse cellular decay. Turns out the fountain of youth wasn't in Florida, it was in the veins of the downtrodden. Anyway, the bad guy in Star Trek has Khan and all his friends captured and consolidated, and once he's defeated, the universe has access to literally hundreds of Khan's friends all teeming with super blood and in a weird, freezey storage thing, you can apparently just open up enough to draw a bit of blood because that's exactly what Bones does. Now, how is there any threat left in this world?
Introducing Khan's new scented body lotion. It smells like racism. And vanilla.
Do I have a conscience, Mr. C***? One injection is enough to bring back the dead. Who wouldn't want to get just one jab to receive a shot at a better, healthier life? Okay, so maybe the world wouldn't change that much, but all these people below this fight are all getting some sweet Khan droplets rained on them. You're welcome, migraine sufferers. Oh, don't be so melodramatic. You're barely dead. Side note, they don't use bullets anymore, but if they shot through a super soldier and it hit the person behind them with the bullet, just heal that person immediately because it was coated in healthy blood, oh my God. CBS, if you're watching, Star Trek colon doctor gun.
And if we can't use the license, I've got a few other options. Pew pew, am I right? Give me one reason why I should listen to you. I can give you 72.
Green lit. Ant-Man's the astonishing man able to make any object much larger or smaller. And also he can time travel sometimes. Seems like that should get focused on more than it does. Time travel. He can just go back and retrieve anyone or anything. He could save Christ. He could visit the Titanic.
He could go get that taco that war machine destroyed and then steal war machine's armor and then pissing it as a baby. Somebody peed my pants. Oh, thank God.
That's just an immortality machine, right? Every time we reach the ripe old age of 35 and we're useless to the machine, we could just revert back to 21 or you know, whatever seems most valuable. I'm gonna pop off a piece of my dick. It's baby. And while we're living forever, Ant-Man making things bigger or smaller could save the world. And if you're about to go down to the comments to write that pen particles, just make the space between the atoms bigger. It doesn't really affect size.
Listen to me. Listen. No. What?
No, it makes things bigger or smaller. If it did Adam's science magic or whatever, then the Thomas the Tank Engine would weigh nothing when bigger and Ant-Man wouldn't be able to do this. It makes things bigger or smaller with ant honey or nectar or pimbuja, ant juice with pimbrand hard ant cider. Things can get, they get bigger or smaller.
That's it, stay with the premise. And that means that Hank Penn can solve everything? Thanos, we figured it out. Resources doubled.
Wanna make a new planet? Well, if we can make one out of a celestial head or a couple of celestial balls, why not a NASCAR toy in your happy meal? Why can't we take the Epcot ball and shoot that into space? That's no moon.
Iron Man, you need some more vibranium? Here, take a tiny bit and blow it up to the size of a skyscraper. Thor, we blew up a bouncy house. That's your new Asgard. Hey, Hulk, you can have sex now because we can make any partner of your choice bigger. Yes, yes, yes. And or your penis, smaller.
No, no. He can make a drop of clean water fill an entire gallon jug. Or what about pollution? How much CO2 do you think that five inch factory that runs on Duracell is pumping out?
You out? Or that?
Overcrowded cities would be better. Or at least cleaner. Everyone could have a beach house now because the houses can be shrunk down making the beach real estate suddenly massively plentiful. Or the beach made way bigger. That small house gets bigger at the end of Ant-Man and the Wasp. And this is what towns could look like or school.
What is this? A center for ants?
He could usher in a new world of peace and prosperity and does this with his time instead. A baked potato could feed 5,000.
Forget Jesus. Hank Pym is the pneumacye except this time we probably won't crucify him because he could just make all the nails really tiny. Let's, we should move on. Nailed it.
In Face Off, we see a world mostly like our own. It's also not filled with flying cars or happiness but they do have access to a surgery that allows you to take your face. The face should be a bad place to cut. There's so many nerves. And yet here Nicholas Dravolta looks just as convincingly human as he did before the surgery even though he didn't have a lot to work with in the first place. That means that all of the nerves still work which is an actual miracle.
But instead of focusing on that, we get this. You know, I can eat a peach. Which is great. And John Woo, thank you. But there's a cooler world here. Dave, I'm gonna say this as simply as I can.
You and I, we could switch butts, right? We could switch our butts. You're asking me to break the law. If my butt got set in fire, I could just, you know, borrow some of my grandpa's excess butt. We could literally walk a mile in each other's feet or each other's butt.
For hours. It doesn't matter our blood type. All the nerves work.
It's perfect. You know what that means? Everyone in the world could become Lego butt people. You can just swap your bits. Like, hey, I like your chin. You want my earlobes? Don't like it? Give it back.
We can create just a menagerie of horribly photoshopped together people and dogs and Godzillas and alligators and out of rent celebrities could sell their fingers to adoring fans. You could inherit your dad's cool mustache or your aunt's sexy legs. I could have a giraffe face. Furries, right?
You know, I'm cool. I get it. I get you guys.
No more worries or inadequacies. No one needs to be ugly or sick or even short.
And functionally you can become immortal again, right? You could just keep going and exploiting the young and ship of thesiest-ing yourself like Peter Thiel already does. You could just do a brain transplant. The title would have been worse, but brain off is at least medically useful.
You could start a dick donation box. Take a dick, leave a dick. Take a dick. Take a dick, leave a dick. Dick donations. People could dick.
For hours. Sorry about that. I've calmed down. I don't want to talk about dicks anymore.
I want to talk to you about kit-friendly, dick-less Pokemon. So Pokeballs are weird, right? If you haven't seen the show or played the game or the other game or all the other games, Pokeballs are these little Hellraiser boxes that you toss at living creatures to capture them in their entirety. And then they're just yours forever in perpetual stasis. And as it turns out, Pokeballs aren't actually that bad. They can heal you, make you stronger, make you smell better. We only really see one Pokemon refuse to get into Pokeball and all the other ones seem chill with it. Why won't you get into Pokeball? And Pikachu's kind of a little bitch anyway. Ahh! While Pokemon are the only thing we ever see get caught, it turns out that's just because Pokeballs are intentionally programmed not to catch people. With one little hack or a corporate realignment, human balls can revolutionize the world.
No more flights. You can transport around the world in a Pokesnap. Burned, poisoned, had a bunch of rocks dropped on you, fought a literal god. The Pokecenter can just heal you in an instant. Cops could use Pokeballs as a non-violent solution to beanbags to the face and tear gas.
And much like the internet, the world would turn inwards towards this new invention and warp their lives around it. But unlike the internet, maybe it's for the better?
So that's, that's, that's pretty good. Okay, go with me.
What if we could make buildings just dedicated to storing the Pokeballs? Entire apartment complexes torn down and replaced with Pokecenters housing 1,000 times the people at one one-thousandth of the size, which is like a little lot of people. And then we could create a worldwide network binding everyone together for instant travel and stuff. And they could just live there. And then maybe we could like build robots to take care of us.
Ah, shit, that's the Matrix. Ahh! In the Matrix, the one famously knows kung fu. This is because he had the information uploaded into his brain. Whoa. It's implied to be stressful, but it's fast. Literally all collected human knowledge can be uploaded at any point, but somehow there's still people like this idiot.
Tasty wheat. Did you ever get tasty wheat?
Everyone should be a super genius. But worse than that, everyone should be a lot more. But worse than that, everyone should be alive. That's exactly my point.
Neo and Smith are both weird cases, sure, but they both prove that people can mentally be in the Matrix, yet separated from their bodies and then be re-downloaded into physical bodies, even ones that aren't theirs. This means their consciousness is basically just data, which means that they can be copied into Zion's own mental Matrixscape that they have on all their boats. This is the construct. There's no reason every human couldn't get their brain scanned and uploaded to some kind of robot heaven, like in that series Upload, or like a happier version of that Black Mirror episode with Don Draper. He'll pretend he remembers, even though he won't actually know if he does. If that's too creepy and similar to what the Matrix already is, the reverse is true also. Matrix Resurrection shows purely digital beings like Morphy Smith have ways to live in the physical world. That means, with a little finagling, somebody could upload to the cloud and then download back into a living, immortal pin art board. Reincarnation is possible. Weirdly, this kind of solves their other problem too. The mind can't handle the truth after a certain age, you know, like how the Star Wars movies are actually pretty weird. But as resurrection shows, you can steal people jacked into the Matrix and keep them jacked in during transit. They never have to learn the truth at all, but you could still accomplish your goal of depriving the robots of the sentient corpse batteries that power their lights. And then once everyone's transferred over, make this new world perfect. And if their brain rejects it, like many did the original Matrix, then boom. They'll come out the other side with a healthy, skeptical brain, and then they can decide, you know, what they want to do with their brains and their lives and their limbs and...
Opioid or tuna fish. Anyway, I hope that helps. Hollywood, you're welcome. And I would give you some drugs, but I need them for my side gig. |
cracked | the_dark_secret_behind_star_wars_goofiest_characters_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | My name is Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another thoughtful and respectful episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show on the internet that Kevin Smith calls it. Kevin Smith respectfully declines your invitation to have him appear on your website.
Exciting stuff. Today's episode explores. The Ewoks are a small mammalian race of adorable teddy bear creatures in the Star Wars universe who live on a forest moon of Endor. Depending on how old you were when you first saw Return of the Jedi, you either have a nostalgia-fueled knee-jerk affection for them, or they're the stupid cartoony bullshit that ruined your cool adult space movie. And today we're going to talk about how they're terrifying.
Because they're tiny mouths? Is it because they're tiny mouths?
And they're... Uh... Like the nothing? The dead shark eyes? Is that it? Is that why? Okay. I guess we'll find out.
It's really easy to dismiss the Ewoks as a bunch of cute savages that are kind of dumb. Their clothes, weapons, and dwellings are all incredibly primitive, they speak a nonsense language, and they're just so damn huggable. It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to assume that all of their battle victories were happy accidents. Except it would be unreasonable.
Don't forget that the Ewoks managed to capture Han Solo, a famously difficult-to-capture scoundrel, and Luke, a Jedi fucking master. It took six bounty hunters and the focus of the entire Galactic Empire to catch Han the first time around, and the Ewoks got the jump on him with a bunch of sharp sticks. And Luke is literally magic. But it could be argued that Luke allowed the capture to take place, knowing that he would eventually Jedi mind-trick them into obedience. Except this isn't an isolated incident, because the Ewoks show off their competence all over the damn place.
Look at this scene. Look, over there. Stop him. That Ewok doesn't make a wrong move on that speeder bike. He got on the thing, spent a fraction of a second studying it, and then immediately knew the right sequence of buttons and levers to press to get that thing flying, and he promptly then used it to murder stormtroopers. He's not poking buttons wildly.
He got one look at the thing, and instantly it was like, beat up, goes, goes, and figured it out, because Ewoks are either magic or tech geniuses. Also, they took down the Galactic Empire's forces. This is the most powerful entity in the galaxy, with seemingly unlimited resources, and they have a station on Endor's forest moon to protect their most important device, the Death Star, and they got full-blown wrecked by the Ewoks. That's like the American army losing a battle with a f***ing chipmunks. The Ewoks beat the Empire because they're clever and strong, and they don't give a f***. I bring this up because I don't want anyone to think the Ewoks are clumsy and lucky. They have an innate ability to understand complex technology, which literally no species has. Possessing an ability to immediately understand foreign technology is an insane evolutionary advantage. Intelligence and ruthlessness might be the most terrifying combination, and the Ewoks have it.
Look at this asshole. Look at this asshole's head. What is that thing? I'll tell you, it's the face of some animal that is objectively more terrifying than the Ewoks on a superficial level, and this Ewok killed it and made it a hat. Made a hat out of its f***ing head. He is showing us that he, a cute thing, is more terrifying than a legitimately terrifying looking thing.
And before you in the comments tell me that the animal to whom that head belongs is called a boar wolf, don't, because I already know it is, I just didn't mention it because it isn't relevant to what I'm talking about right now. Pointing out what it's called doesn't get you anything. You're not contributing when you do this. And don't for a second assume that I didn't know it. Don't ever try to out-Star Wars me.
I f***ing woke up earlier than you did. Anyway, ruthlessness. Yeah.
The Ewoks are tough and scary, and that's not just based on their tendency to wear hats made out of previous enemy faces. They're not just scrappy underdogs, they're not just primatively defending themselves against the Empire with simple spears and arrows. Here is what Wikipedia, a thoroughly researched Star Wars database, says about the Ewoks tools. The Ewoks are equipped with a potent neurotoxin, ensuring that anyone who was shot by them would die in an extremely gruesome manner. Even seeming minor wounds would result in the victim clawing off any headgear, if they're wearing any, and gasping for air, the neurotoxin paralyzing every single muscle in the victim's body, including their lungs. This isn't a peaceful, teddy bear planet that borrowed a chapter out of the Home Alone book on defense strategy with a bunch of cute traps. These are brutal monsters who want to cause cruel and unusual pain. So then did they shoot horse's reference? Deep cut. Anyway, the Ewoks eat people. We know that when they capture Luke and Han, they tie them up to a spit and bring them to what would be a big fire for what would be a big feast. Those cute little teddy bears were going to eat the shit out of our heroes. Which I have a lot of complicated feelings about that, because the Ewoks are clearly omnivores, but look at their teeth.
They have no clear, developed incisors, so evolutionarily speaking, they aren't designed for tearing and eating meat. Their teeth aren't sharp enough, which to me, means they aren't supposed to eat meat, but they still clearly do. So like, what's that about, is that for the thrill? No one clicked on this video for along a side about teeth evolution, so whatever.
I mean, remember it. But in the meantime, hey, do not ever forget this.
The Ewoks are celebrating their victory by playing music using the now empty helmets of dead soldiers. We already know that the Ewoks eat human meat, and we know that they killed a bunch of storm troopers and imperial guards, and we see them drumming on these helmets so you do the math, or don't, because I did. The Ewoks ate the brains of the storm troopers that they brutally murdered, and now they're playing folk songs on their helmets.
Oh, what do you think, Gavin? You think they killed the storm troopers, then gave them a proper burial before using their empty helmets to respectfully pay tribute to the lost? Wake up! They ate those brains and faces. Look at them bludgeoning these storm troopers. Also at that party, I love that Luke and Leia and Han are playing along, but I mean, as soon as they got back on the ship home, they're probably like, that was f***ed up, right? They made me eat a storm trooper. I was worried it'd be insulting if I didn't have some, so, but gross, right?
Oh yeah, the dress, the Ewoks put Leia in that dress that she's wearing. This is probably a small thing. Wicked the Ewok befriends Leia, which is why he doesn't eat her immediately. And when we see her in their tree city, she's wearing a nice dress, a nice human-sized dress. Leia didn't bring that dress along with her, and I don't imagine there are in-house dressmakers that can put a dress together in under an hour, which means they had that dress, which means that's the dress of a dead woman. No Ewok could fit in that dress, so that's the dress of the last humans who were on the forest moon of Endor.
Maybe it's just a leftover dress from someone who died naturally, or maybe it's the dress they put on all of the people they're about to sacrifice. We don't know. It's clear that I think it's the second thing. I assume that's a leftover dress from a human they previously sacrificed.
They also, and this isn't a point, but they seem like there's something really off about their bodies. Like my friend and I were talking about this, and she said that she thought if you held one you would feel like something was wrong and different on the inside. It's like if you see, like there's a life like animatronic dog, and it totally looks like a real dog, but then you held it, you could feel the robot parts inside instead of bones, and you'd be like, that's not right. This isn't something that is right, right? Like the inside is some kind of weird perversion of what should be, and it brings me to my Okay.
Join us next time when our topic will be, script says a Greek gangster comes up behind me and stabs me, and then we just like cut like abruptly, like so the audience doesn't know if I come back, like as a cliffhanger, so they have to come back next time to see if I lived. Did we not, did we ever do that, did we have a Greek gang, sounds like producers didn't reach out. We don't have it.
Okay. Um. Hey everyone, thank you so much for watching this episode. Like and subscribe if you want, and in the comments, tell me what you think it feels like on the inside of an Ewok. I think it's like when you go to Disneyland and you see Goofy, this is what my friend said, and it's like big Goofy in your child, and like, oh my god, I want to give Goofy a hug, and then you feel the inside that there's something else in there because Goofy's not real, and it's a really haunting sensation when it's like, this is not what Goofy's bones should be. Do you agree? |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_american_girl_doll_movie_trailer_snl | People Can't stop talking about the trailer for their new Barbie movie, But not all dolls live in a dream house. Some are bigger, younger, sadder. Some dolls are American girls. Hi, Kirsten. Hi, Molly. Hi, Samantha. Hi, Josefina. Hi, Q. And I'm Addie. No One said hi to me. This Summer, a new live-action story about your favorite historically accurate dolls, each with their own harrowing backstory. I'm a bitchy orphan from Victorian times. I watch my parents die in a boat. That's okay. My best friend, Marta, died of Cholera. That's okay. My daddy's a prisoner of war. And tragically, I have glasses. That's okay. My mama is dead. We bury her in the church graveyard. That's okay. I don't know my birthday because I'm a runaway slave. Let's play. Yay! Do they have pink corvettes? Nope. Boyfriends, no way. Did All their family members die of vague old-timey diseases? Absolutely. What's wrong, Josefina? You've barely touched your teeth. The memory of my mama is slipping away. Look What I can do. That's not fair. Audiences are raving. We Loved it, says Girls Who Played Soccer Magazine. The New York Times writes, these little girls are going through too much. What do you say, girls? Should We have a sleepover tonight? Yay! What about you, Addie? I'm good. I Don't trust none of y'all. Watch as the American girls travel on a journey from American girl land to the modern world. I'm going to stop World War II. And I'm going to stop the Spanish-American War. And I'm going to end Cholera. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_sarah_sherman_and_heidi_gardner_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
This week in court, Stormy Daniels gave a detailed description of sex with Donald Trump, which was so disgusting, even the sky turned green. Stormy Daniels, seen here as drawn by the creator of Kathy, was accused by Trump's lawyers of lying about their affair for profit, which would make her the only person to do business with Trump and make money. It's also been implied that Stormy Daniels got into bed with Trump and let him do whatever he wanted just to advance her career. you know, like every Republican. Stormy Daniels testified that during their encounter, Donald Trump did not wear a condom. he tried to put one on, but he was blocked by his tie. Stormy Daniels testified of Donald Trump's Hush Money trial and was asked to list some of the movies that she's worked on. After she finished, the judge banged the gavel and opened oral arguments for the names of the movies. Oh, man, that was a good joke. breaks my heart, Colin. breaks my heart. Before her testimony, Stormy Daniels agreed not to describe Trump's genitalia in court after she was offered hush money by the jury. But then Florida Senator Rick Scott appeared in court to support Trump, So in a way, we did get to see what Trump's penis would look like.
Israeli officials are reportedly furious after the U.s. withheld a shipment of weapons, But yes, sometimes people get angry at their intervention. All right, that was.
President Biden on Tuesday issued a call to fight hate against anti-semitism, saying there is no place for it in America, But on the other hand, Colin's Country Club. it's a nice place. Oh, man. at a White House ceremony honoring the Wnba champion Las Vegas Aces, President Biden mistakenly called player Candace Parker one of the greatest all-time coaches. worse, he thought this woman was their point guard. During a ceremony in Russia, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his fifth term as President by placing his hand on the Russian constitution, which is just a label on a bottle of vodka.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. who revealed this week that he had a parasitic brainworm posted on X, I offered to eat five more brainworms and still beat President Trump and President Biden in a debate, which is such an insane thing to probably be right about. That's right. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. admitted to having a worm that ate part of his brain. Here to comment is: Rfk Jr.'s brainworm. aren't you so glad I'm here?
Okay, it looks like you're now a huge fan of Rfk Jr. Yeah, I mean, come on. look at this guy. he looks like a pack of chicken thighs left out in the sun. And then check out his face. he looks like someone left Bruce Springsteen in the microwave too long. his face is so red, he looks like you when you're screaming at those college protesters, Colin.
Okay, all right. so, okay. how did you get into his brain in the first place? Same way you get to Carnegie Hall. practice, practice, practice? No, through the anus. worms paradise, okay? not a single drop of vaccine in sight. my whole parasite posse hung out in there. shout out to Hookworm, Botfly, that fish that swims up your pee stream, and my man, Tom Sandoval.
But tonight, I want to be the first to officially endorse Rfk for President. Well, you're actually not the first. You know, a few days ago, he was actually endorsed by Kevin Spacey. Oh, your old pal.
Brain Two, I ate the part that understood the word no. hey, hey, hey, relax. I'm a worm, what do you guys expect? I like all different types of crazy white boy brain. Randy Quaid, Jake Paul, and right now I'm sipping on the part of Jack Harlow's brain that tells him you shouldn't talk like that. Okay. speaking of crazy white boy brain, hey, Colin, let me get a sip of that, Okay? I'm starving. let me see. No, no, don't look in there. Oh, Colin, let me see. your brain is so smooth, it's like a cue ball. you've got a wrinkle in sight. you both talked to that dude, too. put down the needle, Colin. you've done enough damage already.
All right. Oh, now let me take a sip. No, stay still. let me take a sip of your memories. Hey, stop that.
I need my memories. No, you don't. there's got to be a few memories I could get rid of for you.
Oh, like that time you ran over a cyclist with your Porsche. he came out of nowhere. he was on a peloton, Colin. All right, Worm, you got to go, Okay? wait, wait, wait, wait. before I go, I want to say something to you, Rfk, if you're watching this right now. Hey.
I miss you. I miss your body. I miss that beef jerky face.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want you back. And if you want me back, meet me at the top of the Empire State Building tonight. I'll be in the same place we were when we first met in a fistful of raw ground turkey wearing my Marilyn Monroe dress, singing, happy Future Present Day.
Rfk Jr.'s brain worm, everyone. a new plant has opened. a new plant has opened in Iceland, which is designed to remove climate pollution from the atmosphere using the world's largest vacuum. Aw, a new vacuum just in time for Mother's Day.
I don't know how I thought you'd like that. it was announced that actor Andy Serkis will star in and direct a new Lord of the Rings movie focusing on Gollum, and unfortunately, his Challenger-style relationship with Frodo and Sam. this year's most popular baby names for boys were Liam and Noah. Great. another generation of pussies. a growing number of women who use weight loss drugs are reporting surprise pregnancies, which are being called Ozimpic Babies, And I believe Ozimpic Babies was also the theme of the Met Gala. online critics said the dress Kim Kardashian wore to the Met Gala had such a tight waist that it seemed like it was crushing her organs, but I already watched her organs get crushed by Ray J. I don't think that's gonna make the show. I think it did. someone screamed. a dog was rescued after it fell off a 50-foot cliff into a quarry. next time, said Kristi Noem. a worker on a cruise ship heading to Alaska was arrested for attacking three passengers with scissors. he was eventually subdued by a passenger with rock. it's so dumb. This year marks the first time since 2009 that a Marvel movie has not kicked off the summer movie season, which better be a one-time thing because a lot of people rely on Marvel Movies to pay for the ferries they bought. the Wnba will soon allow teams traveling for away games to fly on private charter planes, which previously only happened after they were released from Russian prison.
Oh, this might be my favorite show. this is my heavy show. on Wednesday, the reigning Miss Teen Usa announced that she was giving up her title. Man, this week keeps getting worse and worse for Drake.
Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day. here with some gift ideas to surprise your mom is a woman who says she's not mad. Collins? I guess I'm here to talk about Mama's Day.
Yay! Is everything okay? Yeah. I said I'm good, so I'm good. that's great.
So you're here to talk about Mother's Day gifts. if you'll let me out. And the number one thing to get your Mama on Mother's Day is. sunglasses?
Oh, jesus Christ, Collins, no. Brunch. Brunch. The sunglasses were just to be funny. I was gonna put them on, pull them down, and say, table for two? it's a prop. But sure, brunch. take your mom to brunch.
I'm. I'm sorry. Also, it's probably a little late to get a reservation for brunch now. yeah, it probably is. how about you just let me know when I'm needed?
Okay. you're obviously mad. No, I'm not. Are you insane right now? If anything, you're mad.
Okay. well, then, if you can't get a brunch reservation, maybe you could make your mom breakfast in bed. lost my shirt. great idea. you're folding laundry now? What? I'm good. you don't seem good. Okay. well, then, why don't you just tell me how to be? The nicest thing I own. this was my prom dress. for what? for what?
Also, hi, Che. I've been sitting out here for five minutes. you haven't said a word to me. I don't know you.
Okay. I'm gonna go. No, don't joke. we just. please stay. we would all. we would love to hear your Mother's Day gift idea. please, please stay. tell us your ideas. Okay. I'll stay. but only because I want to. Great. Okay. so, the best Mother's Day gift of all, I believe, is honesty. don't lie to a woman and tell her she's hosting Snl. and then just have her on the worst part of the show. we can update. that's why you're mad. you thought you were hosting? Because that's what she told me.
I emailed and said, in town, can I host? And I immediately got a confirmation email from your assistant. my assistant? Yes, mailer Damon.
Oh, my God. a woman who says she's not mad. I'm not mad. Great update. I'm telling jokes. I'm like.
We had a parasitic brainworm posted on X. I offered to eat five more brainworms and still beat President Trump and President Biden in a debate, which is such an insane thing to probably be right about. that's right. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. admitted to having a worm that ate part of his brain. Here to comment is: Rfk Jr.'s brainworm. aren't you so glad I'm here?
Okay, it looks like you're now a huge fan of Rfk Jr. Yeah, I mean, come on. look at this guy. what worm wouldn't love this? He looks like a pack of chicken thighs left out in the sun. And then check out his face. he looks like someone left Bruce Springsteen in the microwave too long. his face is so red, he looks like you when you're screaming at those college protesters, Colin.
Okay, all right. So, okay, how did you get into his brain in the first place? the same way you get to Carnegie Hall. practice, practice, practice?
No, through the Anus. Rfk's body was a worm's paradise, Okay? Not a single drop of vaccine in sight. my whole parasite posse hung out in there. shout-out to Hookworm, Botfly, that fish that swims up your pee stream, and my man, Tom Sandoval.
But tonight, I want to be the first to officially endorse Rfk for President. Well, you're actually not the first. You know, a few days ago, he was actually endorsed by Kevin Spacey.
Oh, you're old pal- brain too. I ate the part that understood the word no. Oh, hey, hey, relax. I'm a word. what do you guys expect? I like all different types of crazy white boy brain. Randy Quaid, Jake Paul, and right now I'm sipping on the part of Jack Harlow's brain that tells him you shouldn't talk like that. Okay. speaking of crazy white boy brain, hey, Colin, let me get a sip of that.
Okay. I'm starving. Let me see. No, no. don't look in there. Oh, Colin. let me see. your brain is so smooth. it's like a cue ball. No. it's not a wrinkle in sight. you botox that new tube. put down the needle, Colin. you've done enough damage already. All right. Oh, now let me take a sip. No, stay still. let me take a sip of your memories. Hey, stop that. I need my memories. No, you don't. Oh, come on. there's got to be a few memories I could get rid of for you. Oh, like that time you ran over a cyclist with your Porsche. he came out of nowhere. he was on a peloton, Colin. All right. Worm, you got to go, Okay? wait, wait, wait, wait. before I go, I want to say something to you, Rfk, if you're watching this right now. hey.
I miss you. I miss your body. I miss that beef jerky face.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I want you back. And if you want me back, meet me at the top of the Empire State Building tonight.
I'll be in the same place we were when we first met in a fistful of raw ground turkey wearing my Marilyn Monroe dress singing happy Worm Brain Future Present day. Rfk Jr.'s Brain Worm, Everyone.
A new plant has opened. a new plant has opened in Iceland, which is designed to remove climate pollution from the atmosphere using the world's largest vacuum. There are a new vacuum just in time for Mother's Day.
I don't know why I thought you'd like that. It was announced that actor Andy Serkis will star in and direct a new Lord of the Rings movie focusing on Gollum and, unfortunately, his Challenger-style relationship with Frodo and Sam. this year's most popular baby names for boys were Liam and Noah. another generation of pussies. a growing number of women who use weight loss drugs are reporting surprise pregnancies, which are being called Ozimpic Babies. And I believe Ozimpic Babies was also the theme of the Met Gala. online critics said the dress Kim Kardashian wore to the Met Gala had such a tight waist that it seemed like it was crushing her organs. but I already watched her organs get crushed by Ray J. I don't think that's going to make the show. I think it did. I think someone screamed. a dog was rescued after it fell off a 50-foot cliff into a quarry. next time, said Kristi Noem. a worker on a cruise ship heading to Alaska was arrested for attacking three passengers with scissors. he was eventually subdued by a passenger with rock. This year marks the first time since 2009 that a Marvel movie has not kicked off the summer movie season. which better be a one-time thing because a lot of people rely on Marvel movies to pay for the ferries they bought. the Wnba will soon allow teams traveling for away games to fly on private charter planes, which previously only happened after they were released from Russian prison. this might be my favorite show. this is my heavy show. on Wednesday, the reigning Miss Teen Usa announced that she was giving up her title.
Man, this week keeps getting worse and worse for Drake.
Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day. here with some gift ideas to surprise your mom is a woman who says she's not mad. Collins. I guess I'm here to talk about Mama's Day. Is everything okay? Yeah. I said I'm good, so I'm good. that's great. So you're here to talk about Mother's Day gifts. if you'll let me out. to get your mama on Mother's Day is. sunglasses?
Jesus Christ, Collins, no. Brunch. Brunch.
The sunglasses were just to be funny. I was going to put them on, pull them down, and say, table for two, it's a prop.
But sure, brunch. take your mom to brunch. I'm. I'm sorry. Also, it's probably a little late to get a reservation for brunch now. yeah, it probably is. How about you just let me know when I'm needed?
Okay. you're obviously mad. No, I'm not. are you insane right now? If anything, you're mad.
Okay. well, then if you can't get a brunch reservation, maybe you could make your mom breakfast in bed. I lost my shirt. great idea. you're folding laundry now? yeah, what?
I'm good. you don't seem good. Okay. well, then why don't you just tell me how to be? The nicest thing I own. this was my prom dress. for what? for what?
Also, hi, Che. I've been sitting out here for five minutes. you haven't said a word to me. I don't know you.
Okay, I'm going to go. No, don't don't. please stay. we would love to hear your Mother's day gift idea. please, please stay. tell us your ideas. Okay. I'll stay. but only because I want to.
Okay. so, the best Mother's day gift of all, I believe, is honesty. don't lie to a woman and tell her she's hosting Snl. and then just have her on the worst part of the show. we can update. that's why you're mad. you thought you were hosting? Yes, that's what she told me. I emailed and said, in town, can I host? and I immediately got a confirmation email from your assistant. my assistant? Yes, Maylar Damon. Oh my God, a woman who said she's not mad. I'm not mad. for the weekend update, I'm Colin Jost. I'm Michael Che. |
dropout | paperman_threesome | whoa whoa whoa what what what what are you doing I didn't I mean I thought we were all gonna you know well I mean no I think there was a miscommunication here really because you were so into it at the train station I get yeah I just I didn't think this would be a threesome Wow Wow that is hard okay look what you did was really nice we just think you should go oh you thought I just did this all out of the goodness of my heart no no no I mean yeah I mean I don't know I just I just figure this was some kind of whimsical magic thing between me and um and oh shit oh my god I just realized how crazy this all is I don't even know you you're not married are you oh my god I bet you're married no no no I'm not I'm not I mean I was oh god I'm moving on all right everybody calm down I think we all just need a fresh start so let's all take this Molly I'm not doing ecstasy I could lose my job they drug test oh no your precious paper-pushing job that's a metaphor for the loneliness of the human condition I could use a me all right whoa whoa you do drugs how could you keep that from me this is literally the first time we've ever spoken well I mean whoa hey stop it oh crap sorry paper cut dude no no I'm just I'm really not into paper dudes whoa whoa someone's a little homophobic I'm not little I'm not oh you're so vanilla here is this better no please just leave okay fine fine look I know we don't know each other that well and this whole thing is crazy but I really like you and I think we have something special yeah I feel that too sorry excuse me go on get out Wow can't even watch great okay um see you later I guess they're not into it they're not into it what the Internet's funniest pictures and videos delivered right to your Facebook feed then like college humor on Facebook and while you're there unfriend that guy from middle school you never talk to anymore we had free period together one year man |
dropout | hardly_working_hoagies | Oh, man, my favorite, hoagies! Thanks, Dads! Did you just call the sub a hoagie? What's wrong with you? It's a sub, right? Dude, I'm from Philadelphia, Go Phillies, and we call them hoagies there. You're both wrong. I'm from Maine, Go Maine, and up there, we call them by their right name, Grinders. Come on, alright, Jake. Subs or hoagies? Or grinders. Go Phillies.
Pass! I mean, come on, man. Just, what do you call a big sandwich? Pat, a word! Jake, what's wrong with you? We could have heard of that shit! What, a sandwich? Whatever you want to call it.
Look, I was raised on a commune in Southwest South Dakota, okay? Bread was not allowed to lie with meat for low. Such was an abomination.
Wow, that is total news to me. Um, look, don't worry, man. It's just saying you agree with me, alright? Alright, thanks, man. Hey, we also couldn't masturbate. I'm gonna go back up now. It's crazy, me too. Uh, Jake would like to contribute to the conversation. I agree with the thing that Pat said. Oh, alright, well, hey. Next question. What do you watch it down with? It's soda, right? Oh, it's pop. Ah, ha, ha. Jake.
Sugar water is the devil's blood! What was that? Those drinks were forbidden, dude!
Leaders of the church are oriented to dust. Their sounds are cult. Leader told me you would call it that. Who's leader? Technically, the leader is pure energy, but his vessel was this guy named Garrett.
Jake, you've led a shelter of life, but you can't be afraid of these foods forever, okay? Did you hear me before when I said we couldn't jerk it? I think, nay, I know, they're called Ghibli-Johns on the half-shell. And I think, nay, I know, they're called bagels.
Jake, you be the judge. You'll all be judged by Gary. Who? Gary is the light in the dark. Ah, ha, Jake, Jake.
Alright, in my region, where circle bread was plentiful and not punishable by whipping, we called it... bagels. Bagels? Bagels! Hey, give me some of this!
I don't know.
It's actually pretty good. Jake! Call 911!
What are you going to do? What are you going to do, man?
Well, I think they're bagels too, so that's three to one. I guess that one's settled. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_biden_calls_chinese_president_a_dictator_trump_jr_testifies_in_fraud_trial_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
After President Biden's successful meeting with China's President Xi Jinping, reporters asked Biden if he still believed that Xi was a dictator. And I don't know if Biden was supposed to say yes, because look at this reaction from Secretary of State Antony Blinken. did you still report to President Xi as a dictator that stood firm that he views earlier this year? What about kids? Oh, man. that's the same face I make when my uncle starts a story by mentioning the race of the waitress. it's actually the same face I made when I heard Biden say this about Ll Cool J. Ll J Cool J. By the way, that boy's got. that man's got biceps bigger than my thighs. Ll J Cool J? I think the second J stands for Jesus. insiders are concerned that President Biden's chances for re-election could be damaged by his unwavering support for Israel. but I think the bigger problem for Biden is that he is six years older than Israel.
The House Ethics Committee released its report on George Santos, seen here asking your Grandma for her Social Security number, and concluded that there is substantial evidence that he used campaign funds for shopping and cosmetic procedures. Santos would have denied the allegations, but he had to rest his new lips. Several major media companies, including Nbc Universal, have pulled their advertising from Elon Musk X over concerns that ads for their shows could appear next to pro-nazi propaganda, which is a huge relief, because I was definitely worried about where this was going to end up. this week, Donald Trump Jr. testified in his father's civil fraud trial, and based on this courtroom sketch, I feel like it didn't go great. he's supposed to be talking about real estate, but he looks like he's on Law and Order, saying, that girl came on to me. And unlike the other packed courtroom days, only four people showed up, and Donald Trump Sr. was not present, which is just like all of Don Jr.'s childhood birthday parties. the Supreme court is addressing recent allegations of ethical lapses by adopting a new code of conduct, replacing their old code of conduct, money up front, no kissing on their mouth. Senator Tim Scott announced that he is dropping out of the 2024 Presidential race, with Scott gone. the most prominent black republican is, once again, the blacks for Trump guy.
All right. A fistfight almost broke out at a congressional hearing after Senator Mark Wayne Mullen challenged the President of the Teamsters Union to a fistfight. he challenged the President of the Teamsters to a fight? Do you have a death wish? The two things I learned growing up in New York were: never mess with the Teamsters and drink that snapple you found on the Subway. the man who attacked Nancy Pelosi's husband with a hammer has been found guilty and is expected to be in prison until Trump's first day back as President. He gone win. New York Mayor Eric Adams responded to allegations that he accepted illegal donations from Turkey, saying, I have not been accused of wrongdoing and I will continue to cooperate. Then he put on his Fez and sped away on a flying carpet. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Rejection_A_Wild_Night_A_Proud_Family_More_December_16 | How are you all? Not bad.
It's going to be nice to take a break, finally, these past couple of years. We haven't taken a break here at the Advocate, so this year is probably the year for it.
Where are you going, mate? Nowhere. No? No, I haven't got anything planned. Staycation?
Yep. Just me, myself, and I at home. Beauty. Couple Scandinavian thrillers on SBS? Yeah, that.
Maybe some cannabis and some alcohol. Cannabis and Chinese food on Christmas Day?
Yep. And some prescription painkillers at night. Righty-o. Sounds like a hell of a time. How about you, Effie? Yeah, good. Good.
I'll be going home and spending it with the family, so it's going to be all six of the Bateman sisters together for the first time. Back on Kavalav, where they grew up. Yeah. No, it'll be good for you to get home. I suppose the place has changed a lot since you left the Glitter Strip last. But it'll be good to have the homecoming of the Batemans. Yes, I can't wait. What about you?
I'm a bit the same as Errol. I'll be doing a staycation here. I've got 32 cousins on one side and 62 on the other. And it's a bit hard to kind of catch up with all of them. So we do a strike attack around this time of the year. So I'll have about four or five different events throughout the course of the week. And then eventually I will be retreating and recharging my social battery through a little bit of water skiing down there at Lake Rimienko.
I noticed that. I mean, like, you don't have any toenails anymore. So I was about to say something that you've probably been back on the water barefoot. Yeah, I'm hairless, completely hairless from the waist down. What a dolphin. It's not that you were wearing red nail polish on your toes the other day, but it's actually that your nails have been ripped right out of the nail bed.
No, I thought you were going to some sort of Christmas party where you had to be dressed as one of those avatars. No, no. Tall, completely blue, hairless, no gender.
Are you attracted to it, Errol? We actually wrote about that this week.
They're just so smooth and strong. Yeah, they are. They're beautiful people. Tall, powerful beasts. Those avatars.
Let's get into it, actually, before we get too hot and heavy, and this is obviously getting a bit raunchy. At the start of the last weekly bulletin for the year, run us through the headlines, please, Effie.
Starting off with something that's really not raunchy or sexy at all, windfall profits, resources taxed designed by billionaire Tory, apparently too radical for Australia. Yes, the nation of Australia has confirmed this week that it is refusing to join the United Kingdom on its spiral into a deep radical leftist state. This comes after Australia rejected an energy plan put forward by the mega-billionaire conservative politician and now British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak.
Introduced a few months ago, one of the richest men in the world brought in a windfall profits tax, which made gas and oil companies pay a tax as a result of the huge profits they were making from the war in Ukraine's effect on resource prices. But that was far from ideal, far too radical for Australia, with the government here bringing in a price cap on prices at current levels, much, much higher than the pre-war in Ukraine levels. And you'd think that decision to avoid turning into a communist state like the UK would keep the coal and gas companies happy, but no, that's not the case. Santos CEO Kevin Gallagher came out today to slam the Albanese government, saying that it was a Soviet-era policy that would make us like Venezuela. Tough day to be an energy baron.
Lovely. Moving up to Brisbane for our next story, and the whitest man to ever grace Brisbane's central business district had tickets to Kendrick this week. It's an interesting headline, this one. Imagine if it was reversed. The blackest man or the whitest woman? There's two reverses there.
I'll leave it up to you, Clancy, yes.
The multi-platinum Grammy Award-winning hip-hop artist Kendrick Lamar was back in Queensland this week, and if you aren't aware, it was a pretty big deal. Particularly for the River City's white boys. Yes, one of these translucent Caucasians we spoke to was Newstead-based finance worker Willston Windsor Ascot, who said he couldn't have been more excited for a dope night with Kendrick and the big steppers. The fourth-generation Brisbane white collar, who may just be the human embodiment of whiteness, said he doesn't normally play up on a school night, but he was willing to put it all on the line for a bit of kung fu candy. We did contact Willston to see whether he managed to control himself when singing some of the lyrics, but we didn't hear back.
Now it was a big week for our school-livers this week, and a story we wrote penned this one about a dead-shit brother being celebrated for an ATAR that would have resulted in his older siblings getting kicked out of the house. Yes, that's right. One of these kids waiting on the results was local bong lord Kieran Grayson, who was informed today by the staff at Petuta South High that he's looking at a whopping 45.01. We give people the heads up here in Queensland if you're listening from interstate, but yes, Kieran didn't exactly ace his final school exams, something which caused a little bit of a stir in his family. His two sisters stood in amazement as both their parents congratulated him with big long hugs and kisses on the cheek for a mark that would have had them banished from the family. It's certainly a change in expectations with the Grayson family, and it's worth noting that Kieran has no identifiable behavioural learning difficulties, and he hasn't really been through any traumatic events in his short time on this planet.
He's just an old-fashioned dumb cunt who smokes far too much pot.
It's all good. He'll go and get a job with Scott Hutchinson and make more money than all of his family put together. And finishing up with some entertainment news, Effie.
Yes, a man has asked himself, why is he like this? After falling in love with a genderless 10-foot tall blue alien again. Yes, Avatar is back after over a decade in the wilderness, and it's made a few people in their late 20s to early to mid 30s question a few things, namely why they find big blue aliens sexually attractive. Yes, guilty as charged. Yeah, Battuta Heights man Denver Mathewson found himself questioning everything after forking out the few extra Australian pesos to see the blockbuster in extreme 4D. And as he said to us, I found myself attracted to a genderless 10-foot tall blue alien, and not just a bit, I come ashamed to admit it.
Fuck James Cameron, I mean, he's messing with my brain. I told him at work that I thought that character was hot, and he told me it was a bloke. I'm so confused. Well, look, I've never seen a bloke fuck someone else with the back of his tail.
I have. Oh, right. Well, you know, like I said, she grew up on Kaval Avenue. I get it. That's the TikTok generation. I'll tell you what.
I didn't I haven't actually met anyone with a tail, but, um, well, you didn't you have like a glass tailbone. I reckon the first thing I would do if I had like those tail things with the with the thing on the end of it with the cock on the end of it.
It's genitalia and they they plug them together like extension cords and fuck right. Yeah. So you can't put your own cord in your own mouth, say. You probably could.
Some guys, apparently the avatars have to take their ribs out. They have to take their ribs out to suck on their own tails. But one thing I heard about the avatars is that they join the mile high club really easy because they just get a blanket and plug in underneath. The hostess can't tell when the 10 foot aliens are fucking on an airplane. No, but they plug into their birds like into their eagle things.
Oh, it's a multipurpose organ. You can control. Yeah. They're like their pants actual. Like imagine if you were at the shops and your tail just accidentally like hooked up to like a stick of butter or something. Yeah. Fuck it. Anyway.
Anyway, there's there's so many potholes that James Cameron needs to answer.
Maybe we can get him on the podcast next year. Yeah. Hopefully he's still New Zealand based. I think James, if you're listening, please reach out, reach out James and everyone who has been listening in loyally. Thank you. This is, um, this is the last for a few weeks. We'll see on the other side of Christmas. Yeah. After the end of the cricket, I think we'll come back.
Merry Christmas to you and yours and happy new year. See you later. Hooroo. Merry Christmas. |
cracked | behind_the_scenes_with_cracked_scooby_don_t | What? Jankers. We're the mystery squad.
Cut.
Hey guys, it's Michael. I'm playing Shaggy. My name is Katie Willard and I'm playing Balor. I'm free, which is like the B.T. Her version of Fred. Hey, I'm Kelsey Gunn.
I'm playing Dafno. What? Yeah, Dafno.
Fun fact, to play Shaggy in the Scooby-Doo movies, actor Matthew Lillard actually screamed every morning so his voice would be hoarse. I'm not doing that because I'm a better actor than Matthew Lillard, so I just act.
Oh, I also realized that if you change my color palette, like put a blue shirt on me and a black skirt, that I would be Tina from Bob Berg. Greg, that stacks up, so you're going to have to kind of split the difference a little bit. What am I doing like this? That looks great on camera. Really good.
Take two marker. Marker. Take three. Marker. A mark. Take one. Marker.
You should know that he's actually a secret human being police officer. It's a great line. You're going to flip him here. Just center right.
You what? You fucking what?
Well, we found this old abandoned carnival. And it was making all sorts of spooky noises, like doors opening and closing.
Yes. No. Whatever. Those are better. No. Are you taping this or? Yeah, it was.
It's a picture. Post the picture. It's a vine. What? Sixteen. It was a vine. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_114_Wild_Black_Women | Today we're joined by two guests based out of the wild, wild west of West End in Brisbane. We've got Dr. Chelsea Bond and Angelina Hurley.
Thank you for joining us. This is the Wild Black Women podcast. Hi. Thanks for having us. We're big fans of your work. And likewise, with your program, obviously on every Friday across the NIRS, National Indigenous Radio Network and online.
It's an interesting time right now in the, I guess, global and Australian news cycle where this interesting things happened, where we haven't had much live sport, we haven't had any live music, and we really haven't had much reality TV. So the world was able to just kind of sit back and focus on this thing called police brutality for a little bit. And it's resulted in nationwide protests in Australia. Around the world. But for the first time, we've actually seen the African American community and other minority groups mobilise in a way certainly haven't seen in my lifetime.
And that's why we thought we'd have you guys on today. We know you've touched on a lot of this stuff on your show. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think this, the protests we saw in Australia, which obviously they tried to shut down in some states, do you think they've just been sitting there latent? Do you think it was a perfect storm for us to talk about these things or do you think it was well and truly time?
Blackfellas have long campaigned for the rights of other people, not just ourselves. We haven't just been committed to the black people's lives. We've been committed to the concern about the treatment of people seeking asylum. There's a long history of our activists doing the work for everybody. But up here in Myangin, Alyssa Baldwin and Get Up led the Kandsalai Vigil in solidarity with the US, but also in remembrance of the blackfellas who died in custody. And so I think there's this thing about, there's a moment where blackfellas who have long stood in solidarity with black people globally, we're seeing that play out. I think sometimes it's frustrating because it's not reciprocated by other black people. And in part of these conversations, I mean, I've been having arguments with people who are insisting that Aboriginal people, people of the Pacific aren't black and that we can't be saying Black Lives Matter about ourselves. There is an opportunity to have a conversation about what black solidarity is in a local and a global context.
Yeah. I mean, I noticed you guys, particularly in Brisbane, big IRA sympathiser hotspot there too. So a lot of solidarity with the Feanians over there and the Emerald Island. So just the other day, we saw that Scott Morrison, he said there was no slavery in our history. And for all we know, he probably thinks that's the truth.
How much do you think this real issue stems from a lack of education? I don't think there's an excuse to use that excuse anymore.
Yeah, right. Yeah. Black people have been doing the work for a very long time. Even under that umbrella of there's not enough information and education out there. Yes, there is. There's heaps. Yeah, right. I think it's just Google. Yeah, hello. Yeah. They've got technology now. It's not hard. Which they invented all of it, as they continue to remind us, because we didn't even come up with the wheel. Yeah.
I think we often say it's about education, and a lot of black folks take an educative approach to racism as though if we just tell them that, yes, this happened to us, that then they will go, oh, yes, I forgot that we massacred black people here and that we enslaved them, even though it was in our legislation, like embedded and written in. We have an education system designed by the colonisers that reproduces the lies this place has told about itself, including the doctrine of terra nullius. And I've been whinging about my daughter's high school assignment in the week of the Mabo decision anniversary, where she had to write an assignment that looked at the different perspectives on the decision and the pros and cons, because it was controversial. And we actually are making black people. The pros and cons of Mabo.
And this is not the first time, it's not my first rodeo with crazy assignments. I'm not sure what their pedagogical approach is, but I do ask them about it. I had this one where, finally, in year six history, my son, in that semester, they were looking at the Protection Act and stolen children.
And literally, the first task was to talk about the pros and cons. And there was, I kid you not, a table that said pros and cons that he had to write down.
In the classroom? And in the classroom. And they also got a letter that the teacher decided to show the rabbit-proof fence movie, because, of course, that's the only account. Yeah. Anyway, so they had to watch that in class. But before they did, every parent in that class got a letter, which said, you know, explaining why they're watching the video and that the children could elect to not watch the video, if they didn't want to.
Yeah, a bit like... So you can still pick and choose what you want to play these games to. Pick and choose, yeah, yeah, right.
It reminds me of a school trip I went on in high school, and they took us to Brisbane, well, down to Sydney. And they took us on a little trip up to Rouse Hill, where that big mansion is standing on, you know, colonial mansion is standing on the hill.
And as soon as you walk through the front door, there's, like, artifacts. And Nala Nalas and stuff, all over the walls and in the hallway as you walk in.
And one of the kids asked the curator, the amygdala curator, going, oh, there's one Aboriginal person, what happened to them? And she said, I don't know, I think they all just left. And this mansion overlooks this big hill where they actually pushed all the black farmers off the hill and massacred them and made them kill themselves. And I'm like, I put my hand up and I went, nah, I don't think that's what happened. What we call dispersed or what we call genocide. Yeah, yeah, they just left. Those pioneers would be disappointed what their beautiful Rouse Hill looks like nowadays with all the WRXs getting around and the, of course, the wild west out there now.
So are you saying we need more dioramas in the classrooms? Is that what we're saying? Chuck a few more Aborigines in there. With melonels in their hands, see? We'll look it up. In the Australian media, obviously, Samantha Armitage is getting a bit of international kind of traction. Hashtag yours.
Hi, you want to tell your woman how to behave? Bunch of women in line there, she's out of control. Yeah, we'll make sure that we get a message to her. But she's, she's all upset. She's been taken to court for racial discrimination.
Was that the one where they had Prue McSween conservative commentator, red wine conservative from Melbourne, and they had like the Brisbane A-League reporter on a panel on Sunrise?
That was really clutching. Well, just a correction. It's Prue rising like a Phoenix McSween, I'll have you know. Um, rising like a Phoenix to insist that there should be another stolen generation.
Didn't get her out the first time. Mm, only Prue, she's gold. It was an interesting comment because she managed to get Sunrise viewers offside with that, which means it's pretty good. That's a hard thing to do, not just as a lady. Pretty red wine. Give her a walk lead. It was, it was brave commentary.
Yeah. I don't think they hand them out. Um, I don't really do though. Only, uh, bless him.
Um, um, yeah, it's, it's, it's, I just love because the fact that the world's like clued on to Sam Armitage and that, that clip about the twins. Oh my goodness. And it's like, wait, there's more. Yeah. She's so excited. So you can't believe this is on Australian TV. Really? Turn it on every day. Is that the clip that they roll when they're trying to explain what unconscious bias is when she says this twin has come out white. Good on ya. What a stroke of luck.
Obviously, um, obviously Australian media is diversifying slowly. We've got of course, while black women podcast and we've got, you know, obviously that, cause he got confused and thought there was no one minute ago. He thinks there's no indigenous voices in media.
There seems to be a running thread where the, uh, the wild black women, um, they talk about while lead Ali. Many of, a lot of the rednecks will tell you, um, while it Ali's the biggest lefty that ever lived. And he's a snowflake virtue signaler inside the tent, the wild black women podcasts anyway, uh, have different views on the man.
Oh, absolutely.
This is how bad it is that the people, I mean, the whole thing, I mean, the whole thing that race and racism is a product of left and right politics is a lot of nonsense. Firstly, all settlers benefit from racism because that was the, that's the, that's, that's how, that's how they hear, the promise of race that they constructed in which we were not even human. So that, that's a foundation of our dispossession. So all settlers benefit from that. And so it's not about whether it's labor or liberal or greens even. Some articulate their racism in a more sophisticated way.
And so, well, it is problematic, but I don't even think he's, is he left-leaning? Johnny Hildebrand claiming he's middle center. I guess all the motorbikes on Facebook reckon while leads a lefty.
Yeah. And this is how bad it is that that scene is that that's an extreme left or whatever and going, Oh no, that's actually really conservative. Yeah. That's how messed up this place is. Yeah. Me, it was that, it was that naivete in me that lives in the hope that there's a colored person on TV and they might actually be on our side. It's a Trevor Noah experience. It's the, Oh my God, which I should never have even bothered to say. Yeah.
While he was like that for me, I was like, when he started, I was like, Oh, you know, it's not an indigenous person, but there's a Brown person on TV. You know, maybe they'll say something in solidarity with us, but no good. Black people have long been hanging on any Brown person being on television. There's some kind of hope in the absence of the Aborigines and Chris Lilly.
Well, do you want to hear my little recent experience about when they were doing the project, the Memorial in the park with the candles that day, I went to a coffee shop on the way to 99 and I grabbed a coffee from a white out the ethnicity. Should I, I'll just not, Oh, just cause I don't want to be like that. I don't even know where you're going with this. Come on.
I went and grabbed a coffee and I've been going in there for years and they've never asked. They've just treated me like the nice, you know, black person that comes and gets a coffee, whatever, never questioned me.
And they said to me, Oh, do you work for sisters inside? And I was like, well, no. And then I was like, no, I work for the Aboriginal radio station on the hill. And they all stopped literally together and stared at me for like three seconds, the whole room. And then I went, you know, the Aboriginal radio station on the hill.
So I spoke real slow and she went, Oh yes, I thought I saw something about on the news last night in West End. She said, I said, Oh yeah, yeah. They had a vigil in the park. And she said, Oh, was it violent? And I went, it was effing candles in the park.
I just couldn't believe, I'm just like, by that stage I had had my, I've got my huge coffee in my hand. I was like, I'm not coming, swearing at myself in the car. I'm not buying coffee from here.
Well, it's just probably, probably, yeah. I mean, it's a catalyte vigil in Musgrave park, where she could have been confused with the Greek club, where they've been throwing mold of cocktails at the U S embassy over there in Athens. I mean, they really know how to hold a candlelight vigil. So what are your thoughts on Australian media? Obviously there's not much of an effort. I think Brooke Boney has, it would be the first black face on breakfast TV for sure in Australia. And do you think that kind of leads into, you can say that the, you know, education is no longer an excuse, but do you think the, there is a selective history and as you said before, you can opt out of watching rabbit proof fence in primary school and the Australian media can kind of opt out of discussing black lives matters at a level outside of COVID-19 violations and looting. Do you think that plays a big part in the actual psyche? Yeah. I mean, I have to thank Australian media.
I mean, we have a show because of it, how bad it is and the fact that, you know, I share a lot of your, your headlines and stuff on social media, you always get the black folks who get wild about the headlines because they don't realize that they're not real headlines, but in this case, you can't tell the difference. I mean, they, they, they trumped you on the whole, uh, getting the order of Australia for Tony Abbott for his service to Indigenous communities. That shouldn't be your headline. Do you feel blocked? But maybe, maybe you actually had that headline and then they just, you know, like imitating us.
Well, some people are saying the award was based off all this good work that they were reading in our newspaper. That's, uh, we've just been highlighting his good work.
No one else has, because, um, you know, there's a leftist agenda in the Australian media. Um, I think, look, I think the conversation about media representation has to go beyond counting black people. We it's about a conversation around content and the kind of criticality that's needed in this moment. I mean, because in the course of, you know, um, but with this moment, this movement, so many black fellas I've spoken to are reliving the trauma of racial violence.
I don't know. I just thought at this time when I was four and I saw this and this happened, like people actually playing this out every day at the moment.
And then when we read these headlines and these stories that are just wrong, that are just so insulting and offensive, it's a form of violence. And so Australian media is, is brutalizing black people in real time. Right now, we do a show that's specifically designed to nourish the souls of black fellows in particular, black women, and to laugh at the outright craziness, but underneath that this stuff is violent and hurtful and, and we're just kind of trying to reclaim a space to, to, to, to remember what it is to be human in a world that continues to dehumanize us in the name of news and facts, when we know it's not factual.
I mean, the PN with the slavery thing, this is our Prime Minister. Now you mentioned before we started recording, you started mentioning it wasn't just obviously the South Sea Islander community of which you, uh, you have South Sea Islander heritage, uh, docked upon, uh, it wasn't just Melanesian Polynesian kind of indentured servants that, that put into this unpaid labor regime. There was also a lot of, um, Aboriginal Torres Strait Islander people as well. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Because that is certainly not discussed in any dioramas. Well, yeah, I've first done experience of that all along those cane fields up and down the East Coast. Garang-garangwa. Um, there's a huge diversity of, um, ethnicities there and predominantly Aboriginal Torres Strait Islander and South Sea Islander because, you know, as happens as intermarriages.
So most of that mob are all my family and they all worked as slaves on the cane fields. My mother comes from a mission. Her family was removed from Claremont, um, and treated as a slave, as a domestic, went out and never saw any wages from the age of 13. She was made to service rich white people and look after their kids and cook and clean from four in the morning until whenever they decided to go to bed, missed out on a whole schooling.
So yeah, everyone's got a firsthand experience of the slavery imposed and the oppression imposed on Aboriginal Torres Strait Islander people and the workforce. Like children were enslaved in our lifetime. Like this is like mother, like we're not talking great, great, great civil generation, no, we're talking about our oldest living right now. I just explain, um, uh, to Tim or Tom, whatever his name was last time in Queensland, we had the protectionist act, uh, from the 1890s through to the 1960s, every black fellow can basically will articulate their family tree by that act. In terms of where mob were put on what missions and reserve system. So every single Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander person under that legislation were made wards of the state, but could not do anything without permission.
Um, and under that, uh, because we're expected to die out when we didn't die out, we got sent off on these working and trained as a cheap labor force. And there's this thing campaign, which are people that might've heard of stolen wages, only Leslie Williams has been fighting for a long time to get that money back. I mean, like, how is this not, and not to mention the abuse of young Aboriginal girls during that time that was set out to work at 14. Yeah. We know where the half-cast menace came from, and that was the sexual exploitation of girls sent to work on these properties. Like all of mine who passed away only last year, I remember the storytelling is a, how come you guys didn't get sexual admission in that area?
It was because the local farmers in the cane ever wanted slave labor. So they got all the Aboriginal people and all the Islander people to work for them for nothing. Well, you know, very little. So they got to stay on land, but that was a privilege because, you know, they didn't get shipped away to a mission because you know, they needed people to work the land. And so sometimes when I hear, get in trouble for this, but sometimes when I hear farmers complaining about stuff, I just, yeah, I'm not on that side.
Not today. You don't get caught up in the drown porn. Do you still got five kids at boarding school?
It's all right. Yeah. And a land cruiser. Help me. Luxury off of the fingers.
Interesting thing where we were obviously seeing and hearing a lot more about during these black live matters protests is the concept of the ally saw a lot of them in Bristol the other day, it looked like a lot of white people pulling down statues, one of the biggest marches in the country over the weekend, Brisbane's always been a hot head for the heart of kind of protest in Australia, particularly under the late Sir Joe, but you hear yarns coming out from up there, particularly from, you know, the black Panthers chapter that they had in Brisbane, that there was these surprising allies. They hadn't won. I remember hearing from Arnie Marlene Cummins was the Quakers were, uh, were kind of discreetly funding all of these organizations. Um, who knows the Quakers were comrades, who else have you noticed along the way, or you've read about in history that that might've been discreetly, um, you just have to go back to Arnie Eudry-Neunuckle, who was in the war, who served and who used to walk and march with the communist party and got crap for it because she was just trying to give an indigenous voice, a feminist voice to her people and who she was as an Aboriginal woman.
And that's the only place that she could do it because she was an intellect in the white women, the normal white women's marches and protests. So she had, she was, you know, who used to walk with the communist party. So of course she was like added as a comedy and a listen to that. She was just trying to have her voice heard in her.
When you're 3% and you've got to take support from her. You're not getting that from the, you're not getting that from the temperance suffragettes. You've got to march with the communist party.
Um, but I think, you know, and that's the thing, there is a conversation we had, I mean, we're, we're having a conversation about what is black solidarity, but there is a conversation about what does it mean to be a good ally? And I'm going to make my own checklist. Please do the work, turn up, but also know your place. Yeah. Um, don't center your feelings or remind people of your labor that you're contributing, which you can withdraw the moment you don't like something that any black critique gets addicted to. What else? I'd be prepared to get locked up. Well, that's done appropriate culture and start selling t-shirts. Oh yeah. What's the socialist Alliance, but pamphlets? Yes. It's not a time to sell your merch, to recruit your members. That's not solidarity. And you know, there are some, there's some awesome white people who go unnamed in the course of their work. And that's good allyship that it's like, no, we, and cause all of us do that in different spaces and we just turn up to amplify to back someone else up. Um, and so I think there is this important conversation. We need people to, I mean, I encourage people to exercise their white privilege by getting angrier because the indignant, angry white woman can change the world. She can see your manager in a second. Karen's for black lives matter. Yeah.
Use your powers for good instead of evil. And we won't, we won't mock your hair.
What are your dance moves?
Oh, that one. Yeah.
So, so you're telling the Karen's of the world, maybe when there is a protest, don't get up on stage at Musgrave park. You don't need to talk into the microphone right now. No, no. Go help clean up the park, hand sanitizer, be a medic.
Yeah. Like do some work and just go, I'm here to help. Tell me what to do. Yeah. Be of service to black people. That's it. That's the list. Yeah.
Just be of service to black people, including getting roused by them. Cause we all get roused by black people.
Well, can you tell us what it was like to meet, um, Trevor Noah. Yeah. He has an international platform. Perhaps it wasn't the circumstances, uh, the ideal circumstances that led to your meeting, Trevor Noah. Can you just tell the listeners a little bit about that experience with speaking of allies?
Or as Amir said the other week, the brown men who bled us down. Um, I mean, people know, he told that joke about, well, Aboriginal women, sorry, Aboriginal women being ugly, but sexually available basically, and put us in a separate category from black women who are beautiful and all women are beautiful kind of, you know, joke too, at least we know, you know, because apparently we played didgeridoos, you know, we could be a good head if anything else, and this joke was five years ago and we want to, and he was like, this is in the past. It was so long ago. It was literally bookended between me too. And black lives matter. If you look at the timeline. So this is just, yeah, found out about it just before he took off from his Australian tour, it was like, really? He's coming here with that joke and he ain't going to get called out, I don't think so. And we used to play him a lot.
Yeah. Well, I love the Daily Show. What we learned from that whole, that whole affair was that there are fantastic writers for the Daily Show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the writers are brilliant and he can read a script like it's his own. Yeah, he can come and read a script.
Is that what he said? He said he didn't write that. Oh no, no, no, no, no. In terms of his politics, we thought we knew him by the Daily Show that that's his value system, but what he did when he came to our country, when he sat in front of three black women who act, we did the Etiquette of Approach with him, we were open-palmed, I mean, we did bring in Mariki to lay the groundwork, but we were generous with him because we saw him as a brother and when we realised that he didn't see us as sisters, he just didn't see us as that. And so, and the way in which he, his responses just, he contradicted what he says on the show and it was like, oh, okay, that's a script.
You have writers for that show. You just know how to perform. Bit of a wally. And he's a good performer. Yeah, yeah, they're probably nice. Give them an autocue and they're fine.
Were you waiting at the airport for him? How did it all go down? How did you ambush him? I want to know about that.
Friendly Omi, bless him, because we were all excited about his coming to Australia, you know, and everything. Friendly Omi on Facebook puts that clip up and just tags all the sisters in and stuff. I'm in Luxembourg editing a textbook and I'm jet lagged and can't sleep and I'm seeing this play out and I'm just wild. So I do a Twitter thread talking about this and, you know, the how black people in the US and globally let us down when they failed to see us as black. So Uncle Trev slid into my DMs and was like, yeah, Chelsea.
On the front foot. No DPs. For the kids at home, no DPs.
But and then he's like, oh, look, when I come to Australia, I'd like to talk to you about it. And I went, oh, as it happens, I've got a radio show. Come on, I'll laugh at them.
And so his people spoke to our people and he, we flew down to Melbourne for his first show and he gave us the one hour media exclusive. Didn't do any press while he was here. Gave us the one hour, sat us down and then he sat us in the front rows of his first show, which we then walked out of.
I think, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we stayed for like five jokes, five minutes in. Was it that long? Oh, I don't know. I probably waited on him. I was a few whines in and then I was like, I'm out, I'm not doing this.
Because we did that hour, hey, where we were very accommodating. We were educative, nice.
We're kind of giving him benefit of the doubt, giving him an opportunity to explain himself. And all he did was make excuses, denials and offended us even more.
OK, so even let him press your hotkeys. I let him press my hotkeys. Like the magic buttons for our sound effects.
Didn't know what that was. So sorry. This is a joke.
So we did all that stuff, which is fine. Anyway, but we think, you know, we took a photo afterwards. We were like, OK, you know, this is this is what it's at. Because the thing was, he revealed himself. We didn't have a dragon. Yeah, he just wanted the photo. Yes.
Yeah, I don't know what he wanted, really. I don't understand what.
Well, I appreciated that. He faced some Aboriginal when he came here. And, you know, I respected that because I think I underestimated what he was coming into. Yeah. And I think he realized too far in that the strategy was wrong, but he couldn't backtrack from it in the middle of this reported thing. But what got me was that. So he had his set prepared.
We do our thing with him. It's all fine. It's a reasoned conversation.
He does his show where he speaks about the experience kind of in a veiled way. But he mimics the people who are angry at him about the joke and was very like animalistic in his depiction of the critique he got. And you've got three Aboriginal women sitting there who just spent an hour with you talking in a reasoned way with facts and trying to appeal to him to see our humanity, our femininity, our beauty, our strength. And he like aped us on stage. We had such and we had ringside seats to his show.
You know, that was an insult. And that's what we got up and walked out. But he did this at the hospital. Did he see you walk out?
Yeah. The whole stadium saw us. Yeah, I think it's like Dave Chappelle.
He came to Australia to do drugs for white people. And the whole first set was about Bali. Him going to Bali.
Yeah. So you know where the market was. Yeah. Like Dave Chappelle did Koala and did redo drugs when he came here. He didn't do any of his racism connoisseur jokes. Yeah.
So they come to this place by into the myth that this is a white Australia. And that's when these fellas listen. You reckon they need to take a more Ed Sheeran approach? I'll put on a T-shirt. When Drake came to Australia, Drake came to Australia, he's obviously said to his 23 year old publicist. Look, I'm going to start with started from the bottom now we're here. So I need you to put me in an underdog jersey.
And they put him in a wall. He wore a wall of his jersey on stage in Sydney.
I was like, oh, no, no, no, no. And working for you ever heard of the rabbit eyes or I guess all eight people who still go to the wallabies, you know, they were really took the underdog thing a bit too far there. They haven't won against me in about 10 years.
Thank you for joining us today, particularly with the news cycle that is. And Dr. Bond, I know you were on the drum as well. That's just that was an experience.
Yeah, it's the right thing to do for the Australian media or for the Batutah Advocate radio show to to get some black voices, to get some black female voices on to talk about these things. There's another conversation that's happening now where every single black person in Australia is just getting DMed by every single white person they know, asking for like, you know, kind of relying on your emotional labor to help guide them through these uncertain times. Is that really doing your head in? Do you have like do you know, do you have that bloke you went to school with? He's like, hey, Chelsea, just quickly with this whole Black Lives Matters thing, what's your opinion is something or other. How should how should I be feeling to make myself feel better? People know me well enough by now not to slide off my DMs for that kind of work because they don't want to know my answer. That's the thing. But what what has made me why some of the media interest and, you know, when you suddenly get called on to comment on things, and I have to say, I think I've got the most calls around Chris Lilly in the last 20 years.
So forget it. Forget the boys brutality.
We want to know if we're still allowed to laugh at a 40 year old pretending to be a 16 year old Tongan. Are we allowed to laugh at that or?
Yeah, between Chris Lilly and the statues like that's I've just suddenly been inundated with people going, but what about the statues? And I had a conversation this morning with some show where they were like, when will this end? You're suggesting taking down statues.
It's concrete. It's just a rock. Yeah, it's just a rock.
And I'm like, is 2020 not shitty enough? And we have to explain this stuff still. Yeah. One week it's gone from George Floyd to a statue. Yeah.
As long as I don't touch Artie Beats in front of Suncorp, everyone's all right, OK? Or the Bee Gees up in Redcliffe. We can't forget the fact that the Bee Gees lived in Redcliffe for 18 months. 18 months?
That's right there Ozzy. Ozzy, someone threw in Melvin Inger as well.
But like, and he put the mouse statue up. And I'm like, oh no, he got cancer last month. I'm taking him to hell. He went for the trail.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gone. Sorry, Mal. Mal, I'm sorry Latrell Mitchell didn't want to sign with the Titans. Yeah.
He rode a scooter at one a.m. in the morning. Riding a scooter now is shameful.
And so we had to pull the receipts on Uncle Mal and his episode at one a.m. in the morning at a Brisbane pub. Yes. Which made headlines. Oh yeah, I remember. Down Under bar. Easily good or good.
I am liking the moment where the Black women are doing the labor right now. Locally, locally. Same thought, isn't it? Just come in. Like I was saying, they're doing the labor and just dragging people. Like no one's safe. Raps are getting ripped up left, right and center. You know, like it's there is this is a moment where people go, you know what? While we're here, I'm going to call this out to. Yeah, we need more. I mean, we make a show out of it, but it's exciting to see just people coming in, just like calling stuff out and just being staunch.
As queens, you know, Murray's always been staunch here. And you see a lot of the ones that are on the front line. What are my Murray's?
That's it. You see the racism research. I use the term loosely from ANU about, oh, my God, three out of four Australians have unconscious bias. You really first out laughing. You just go, oh my God. One of the key findings was it was particularly bad in Queensland and WA. Funding for that research.
Yeah. A couple of other stats you can run alongside that. Exactly. Yeah.
This racism is fun. I mean, it must feel great recruiting new people every day.
You haven't got Sam Tyler yet. Obviously, we won't go there, but we've traded him. Yeah. Who did you trade him for? We traded him for Paul Kelly.
The great white hoe of Peter Garrett. That myth that was dispelled years ago. So Paul Kelly.
Yeah, no, we're trading. We're not buying them all. We haven't got time to take you along in the journeys. You're either in it or not. As a as a white person, I have to say that is not a fair trade.
Sam Tyler for Kelly.
I'll let you have this one. No, no, stop it. Thank you. Bye. Thank you for your emotional labor today and joining the tutor advocate radio show.
And of course, every Friday, while black women online and if you're in Queensland or if you're in the beautiful southeast corner, Australia's Tuscany, they call it in Brisbane.
You can you can. Yeah, you can live stream us live or podcast us or whatever. But no, thank you to you fellas for making us laugh this morning, because goodness knows we've needed it, but also just making us laugh all the time. This is the nature of this place. Yeah, that. Yeah. We need to laugh. Yeah. Some of this nonsense. Yeah. So thank you, fellas, what you do. Yeah, thank you. And now up next, Kev comedy on Wild Black. But that is one of the pros of your platform.
I guess on country music radio. While black women also reaches a lot of truck drivers who just want to hear the next song by Adam Brand. So it's it's it's it's kind of a truck driver. So I know all about trucking racism.
Yeah, yeah, right. My dad was at home with him each day after work on the two. Yeah. So I know those two. Yeah, I know those people. And you know, they're so strong, aren't they? They love us. Yeah, they certainly listen. That's right.
I love people who hate listen to us. I know our very first when we first started, very first lot of complaints.
They're just laughing at us. Laughing at white people.
I'm not going to tune in again till next week. Yeah, I am not listening to that station until there was a complaint.
So it was it was us laughing. So what we did is we then read out the complaints on air to violins and laugh some more. Violins is a nice touch. I'm sure that really goes well with violins in the Twilight Zone. Depending on the complaint. Yeah. Well, if you want to hear more of this, you want to hear the violins in in full force, you can find while black women online. Well, yeah, as you said on the radio, thank you for joining us.
Dr Chelsea Bond, Angelina Hurley.
Thank you. Thanks. Thank you so much. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_game_of_thrones_season_3 | Yay, the answer is yay. Do I I mean do I have to write a joke for this? That shit was Daenerys. D-A-N-A-N-A-S That's how you spell it, right? Denanis. I love what they've done with Jamie Lannister this season He's my favorite character totally willing to overlook the sister fucking and child crippling Oh, I like the part where that one guy.
I can't remember his name. Oh and the other character I don't remember their name either. They were at that place I forget what it's called and then we got to see a naked lady.
There's so many characters on Game of Thrones I wish they would just like throw up a chiron like they do on reality shows when a new character shows up Ser Davos, Stannis' friend I love a fantasy show with things that don't exist in real life like magic and dragons and virgins who are great at oral sex The Red Wedding was devastating But the real tragedy of the season is we never got to see Jon Snow eat that pussy All right, so one of my favorite characters from this season I know you're gonna say Game of Thrones. No, Denaris. All right, you remember how badass it was when she says I am Denaris Stormborn. Show me a dragon. I am Denaris Stormborn. At the house Targaryen The Larian is my name, Tom.
What the fuck are you doing here? I thought I could read this before we got in here and I didn't sleep last night.
Every single Game of Thrones book is 300 pages of characters walking around nipples nipples nipples 18 paragraph description of food Four paragraphs about their sigils and their boiled leather clothing and then something terrible happens to your favorite character A poem for George RR Martin Understand I do not though. Yay. I have tried why you'd kill off Rob Stark Yet keep Shae alive. So just to get everyone up to speed on the castration count so far we've got Theon, Varys, Grey Worm and Thousands of Unsullied all of whom George RR Martin has specified currently have no dicks I think all those characters should team up and form house dickless the eunuch house Unfortunately, they'd have a little bit of trouble. Uh, you know producing an air I don't really like Game of Thrones if I want to be enthralled in an ongoing saga I'd probably read Dilbert every morning a lot of people say the books are better, but you know, it's even better the audiobook Okay, so they're at a feast.
He's talking about the food very decadent pigeon pie. Hmm. That actually sounds pretty good Oh my god, Rob is dead Give me one minute god that pigeon pie sounds really fucking good If you like this video click on us to subscribe oh Don't piss me off for some reason the giggle |
dropout | got_finale_the_shocking_extended_cut_spoilers | For the watch. Oh, sorry, do you want to go? You were clearly here first, by all means. Okay. For the watch. After you sir. Thank you.
For the watch.
What is this?
Got ya!
For the watch.
Wait, you have to say it. Command this. No!
We did great! We spent so long talking about what we were going to say. We all agreed for the watch.
So lame. Your name.
For the watch. Thank you! You're not angry here. For the watch.
That's what we've been saying, right? I've heard it so much, it sounds weird to me now.
For the watch. It sounds like one word. For the watch.
Sorry. Ooh.
For the watch.
I know it's only one line, but I'm kind of nervous.
For the swatch. What? I said swatch?
That's weird. What are you talking about? I don't know why my head's a little tired.
For the swatch.
I'm never gonna hear you. Okay. Not funny, not funny, not funny, not funny.
For the witch. Fuck! I said witch!
What is wrong with me?
Whatever.
I'm so sorry.
So, was that it? Did everyone go?
Does anyone mind if I go a second time? First time I had this joke sword, didn't really count. We should actually go again.
For the watch again. Food would be great. Did I miss it? Dammit, this happens to me every time. Very well. For the watch.
Guys, wait up. Please, please, wait for me. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
cracked | steve_carell_got_40_year_old_virgin_shut_down_by_looking_like_a_serial_killer_cracked_fiend | Why is there a movie about just equalizer Joseph Corden left it right in a bite? Why did they try and make that badass? 40 year old virgin almost didn't happen like it was almost shut down within two days because the producers thought Steve Carell looked like a serial killer. I can see it because Steve Carell is a fantastic actor and he is terrifying when he wants to be and I can only think of that scene in the office where it's Dwight goes out of the office for like reasons that like Michael doesn't like and he's interrogating him and they just have this like slow panning shot of Michael Scott with like a face like thunder. So where'd you go?
I went to the dentist. What's your dentist's name? It's the dentist.
It's fucking terrifying. It's funny that you mentioned that because one of the compromises they made to keep the movie going was that Universal hired a special editor to make him look less creepy. How does that feel if you're Steve Carell? When you get hired for this movie and then two days later production shuts down you look like a fucking serial killer mate. The only scene that they'd filmed basically was like him riding the bike at the beginning and they're just like no, that guy on that bike is a serial killer.
We are not. This movie can't happen. I don't care how much we've sunk into it. That's incredible.
How badly do you have to ride a bicycle for people to think you're like a murderer? I want to know how do you ride a bike looking like a murderer and presumably there's a clip right now of Steve Carell riding a bike like a murderer. So if you ever see anyone out there, folks, riding a bike like that, fucking turn tail and run. Actually, don't even bother running because they're on a cashier because they're on a bike. There's a movie that hasn't been made yet. A serial killer that's on a bike and like all the chase scenes are just on bikes. There's a movie called Premium Rush I think with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and he is a bike messenger and he keeps getting to points where it's like an intersection and there's like a bunch of cars going and the movie stops and freeze frames. He's assessing his options so it would be like if he goes forward he gets plowed to death by this car and they show it or if he takes a left he also dies but if he takes a right and he does this and so we're supposed to think that he's like the greatest cyclist of all time. That's like if the guy from Equalizer rode a bicycle, you know when he has like those moments where he just sees all the shit in the room was like, okay, here's the thing that he beats someone to death with but on a bicycle.
Right, it is exactly that type of scene. Uh-huh. It's so funny and but it's just delivering a package. He's so someone can get his fucking Uber he's delivering 30 seconds quicker. It's like just waiting traffic. At some point Michael Shannon decides to attack him because he... Please tell me he's also on a bike. I don't think so. That's what we need is we need a premium rush sequel with Michael Shannon on a bike chasing Joseph Gordon-Levitt on a bike. I need to see it and they're doing like Akira Slides and Moomin Rider combos and everybody and just there's nothing anyone can do about it and meanwhile you just see like a view from a skyscraper and you just keep smash cutting to like run low low run or something like that. That fucking subway ought to get in here.
You know what? I'm gonna look it up right now because I wonder if it made any money. This may surprise you but it bombed. Are you saying that this movie couldn't deliver? Oh man.
Anyway Steve could have looked like a murderer. Good for him. I guess but not looking like a murderer in the end. But that's the thing right because there's uh I was looking it up there's like this whole genre of YouTube video of recutting the 40 year old virgin to look like a horror movie. So it's still in there like the producers were not wrong. He definitely comes across as a serial killer just not enough to cancel the movie and or make it not a success I suppose. One of the things they they probably got wrong although I don't know is uh they thought Paul Rudd was too fat so they they forced him to lose like 20 pounds or something which is oh yeah like let's just smash cut now to a clip of Paul Rudd and Ant-Man at 50 years old looking more shredded than a box of shredded fucking weight. And maybe it's from this movie. Maybe that turned his life around.
He got called fat by the same person who called comedians Steve Carella a murderer. That's right like that just seems like a producer had it in for people that day. Yeah like doing someone's in a bad mood and they just insult everybody. He just walks on said fat serial killer.
We're shutting it down. Yeah we shut it down. I'm not having any of this. |
dropout | we_re_stuck_in_a_fast_food_commercial | Hey guys, guess what I got? Chicken Bell! Chicken Bell? Now the party can really get started. These chicken sandwiches are so good. This late night menu is a life saver.
We sound like we're in a fast food commercial. No. Seriously. We sound like we're in a fast food commercial. Hey dude, don't be crazy. I'm not being crazy. Does anyone remember what was happening? Before he walked in with Chicken Bell?
Stop it. You stop it.
Do you even know my name? Of course I know your name. We're at this party together. We're friends. Then what's my name? Ethnic Guy. That's not a name!
Guys, this is a commercial. What happens to us after the commercial ends? This is not a commercial. Alright? Let's just eat the food because the Chicken Bell Spicy Party Box is only available for a limited time. Oh, why do I know that? Honey, stay near me. Do we even know you? Yes, we're a couple. We were just hugging a minute ago. But I am. Hey, just because we're in a commercial doesn't make what we're feeling right now any less real.
No! This is not a commercial! Voiceover. I hear the voiceover.
I'm leaving. There's nothing outside. Just nothing. Get out of my way. He just vanished!
I'm real.
I'm so scared.
The commercial is ending! Why is this happening? |
dropout | pulling_out_of_iraq_with_patrick_warburton_and_ken_davitian | Thank you for meeting me. Anything for Iraq, size, rank in general. We've been through a lot together. What can I do for you?
You remember about nine months ago, you said you were going to pull out of Iraq? Yeah. Well, I don't think you totally pulled out. Pretty sure that I pulled out. Yeah, I pulled out and dispatched my troops in Kuwait. Maybe you think you did, but you must have left a few Navy SEALs swimming around, because now I have an American military base in my country. We were so careful. You went in with almost no protection. Okay, but I have good control of my army. I know when to pull out.
Yeah? What about Vietnam? Years ago, I didn't know what I was doing. Well, nevertheless, we have to do something about it.
How do you even know it's mine? It could be British or French. Because it looks just like you. Handsome. And anyway, I haven't been invaded since you left.
Really? Oh, like you care, huh? All the time you were inside of me, all you could think about was being inside of Iran. Oh, who's that? Pakistan? What, are you invading Pakistan now?
No, I don't know. It's complicated.
Look, maybe I stayed in you a little bit longer than I meant to. I kept telling you, pull out, pull out. I didn't want to leave until you finished, you know, rebuilding a stable government. I can't finish myself. Thank you very much.
Oh, I shouldn't even come and talk to you. You know that?
I'm going to give your military base to the Germans. They've been wanting a military presence forever.
Wait, wait. I want to keep it.
How are you going to pay for it? You can't afford the military base. You can't even afford your own health care.
We'll make it work. I'll talk to China. I'll take in another one.
You would do that for me? I do it all the time. That's nice. Do you remember when I first invaded you? You had something special. Yeah, I guess I like the attention. Of course you did. We can have that again. Just you and me.
What about Afghanistan? Oh, I want to be in that slut forever. |
dropout | the_big_butt_song_to_end_all_big_butt_songs_hardly_working | Hey, whatcha doin'? I'm trying to see if a computer can write a pop song. Really? Yeah, I had to analyze the top pop songs of the past few months, see what made them successful, and replicate it. Wow. Yeah, I actually was just about to listen. You wanna hear? Yeah. Okay. Hey, whatcha doin'?
Talk about something other than my butt. Just kidding, we will only talk about my butt. Better butts are bigger butts, biggest butts are mine. I have butts inside of butts, like a peacock's tail.
You guys are putting a bird in there or something, right? That's gonna look really dumb if you don't put something up there. |
SaturdayNightLive | terrence_maddox_in_sculpture_class_snl | Alright, class. Now, tonight, we are going to work with the most demanding subject there is for sculptors, the human Body. unfortunately, the model I usually use couldn't make it, but we do have a last-minute replacement. his name is Terrence Maddox. Terrence, you can come in now. whenever you're ready, Mr. Maddox. Alright. let's start the bidding at $100, shall we? $100, $100, $100, Ooh, $1,000. going once, going twice, sold to the gentleman in the front row for $1,000,000. Just have a seat, Mr. Maddox. I think I've made my point. Now, Mr. Maddox, we've been studying Roman and Greek sculpture, so we are hoping to get you into a classical pose. Hey, ladies, it's your money. you guys can do whatever you want. just try to pose, Mr. Maddox. Alright, well, I got two poses to choose from. the Thinker or the Stanker. Please, Mr. Maddox, these students are going to be tested on this.
Well, that's cool. I just took a test this morning. Wonderful. yeah, at the Free Clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass, too. I got an A, two Bs, and a C. Oh, my God.
But don't tell the 6th Street Blood Bank. what? hey, how's this for a short story? a guy can't sell his blood because he's got hepatitis. but he can't afford hepatitis medicine unless he sells his blood. So he poses nude in art classes. Plus, one time he did it with the dead guy.
Alright, alright, whatever. let's just get through this. Now, class, I want you to study Mr. Maddox, as unpleasant as that may seem. Now, take him in. search his body with your eyes. Oh, my God, that is disgusting. Oh, look at that. Oh. Oh, my gosh. uh-oh, Mighty Kong has woken from his slumber. Well, class, it looks like it's time for a pop quiz. But don't worry, because apparently I'm grading on a curve. I can't take this.
Well, if life hands you lemons, you may as well make lemonade. And I've been wanting to make lemonade all day.
Alright, that's it. this is too disgusting. Mr. Maddox, I want you to get your things and get out of here. Mr. Maddox, please stop. calm down.
I had to do something. I'm sorry, but you'll have to go. I know what I'm not wanted. But before I go, I've got something to say to you people. you talk about ancient beauty and classical forms. But if asked me, you wouldn't recognize real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot waiting to give you hepatitis. which it will be. ten minutes from now, good day to you. |
SaturdayNightLive | fusion_scientist_snl | Well, gang, I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have everyone together for the holidays. we are so lucky to have two beautiful boys. Sorry, men. and there is so much to be thankful for this Christmas. here, here. we love our little family. we sure do. and we have an extra reason to celebrate.
Did you guys see in the news about this giant breakthrough with nuclear fusion? No, let me brag. our Benjamin here is one of the scientists in the lab that did the experiment. No Way! Benjamin, you're part of the nuclear fusion team? just a small part. don't be modest, Benjamin. he operated 192 lasers that fused hydrogen atoms together. Oh! that's very impressive, Benjamin. Mom, it's really a team effort, and we're building on years of existing technology and research.
I do stuff, too. Benjamin's not the only one that does stuff. I do stuff, too.
Yes, of course you do, Honey. we're just, we're congratulating your brother because this is a big moment for him. I mean, this could power the entire world with clean energy.
I mean, do you even know how many pizzas I delivered yesterday? how many mouths I fed? No, because you don't even care that I deliver pizzas. Well, that's great, too, Edgar. yeah, pizza's really cool. Good job, Edgar. yeah, except, well, Honey, the pizza place called and said you actually didn't deliver any of the pizzas.
I got lost, okay? The houses were on different streets, and I got confused. Honey, I don't have 192 lasers to do my job for me. Well, I'm just surprised they let you drive again after that sixth Dui. they didn't. I had to take Ubers between the pizza shop and the houses. I lost so much money, and you guys don't even care.
It's okay, pal. we know you're trying your best. we're just acknowledging that your brother was part of a huge scientific breakthrough. Oh, so he creates a little energy, and he's a hero. But I sell tons of ketamine, and I'm a criminal? Edgar's right. I'm not a hero. I was just doing my job as an astrophysicist. yeah, yeah, and he's not Mr. Perfect either.
Look, he's drinking. well, he's having one glass of red wine. you've had ten beers. I didn't know of.
Edgar! what has gotten into you? This family never appreciates me. I'm up every day at 5 a.m. Yeah, to pee, and then you go back to sleep until 11. You guys never went to any of my soccer games. because you got cut on the first day. you kept picking up the ball with your hands and throwing it in your own goal. Thank you, Yale. this sport is for filthy South Americans, And you keyed your coach's car. You see, nothing I ever do is good enough. I interned on movie sets, and you never supported me. those were pornos. you interned on pornos. well, they need coffee, too. maybe even more than regular actors.
Edgar, I think you're just a little jealous. of what? his dumb, perfect jawline? and his sparkly blue eyes? Be honest. who's actually hotter? me or Benjamin? Benjamin! Okay, fine. but who's smarter? Benjamin.
I mean, I'm sorry, honey, but he just is. All right, fine. But can Benjamin do this? uh, I don't think you quite did it, but. yeah, the leg is supposed to go through the other leg. and I'm sorry. I'm noticing that you're wearing a diaper. to save time. so I don't have to be constantly going back and forth with a bathroom. God, nothing I ever do is good enough. All right, all right. enough.
Edgar is right. we don't appreciate him. because he is stupid. but he didn't have it so easy growing up. not a lot of kids get kicked in the head by three horses. I thought it was just one. no, it was three. they took turns. and you know what? maybe he can't deliver pizzas or operate a microwave. Maybe he never graduated college or kindergarten. maybe he's banned from the zoo for biting a Flamingo. it raised its leg at me, Ian. maybe he's a lost cause and we should just abandon him forever.
Love it! Problem solved! Or. damn it!
Maybe he's just inert, like a hydrogen atom. And all he needs is the right laser to just split him open and unleash the incredible potential that's locked inside. Because no matter what people say, I say he's my brother. well, adopted.
What? That's it. Forget this, family. I'm out of here. did you just try to jump out the window and miss the window? That's it. we're finishing this once and for all, Benjamin. go ahead.
I'll even let you get the first. So, how many lasers was it again? um, 192. And we have an extra reason to celebrate.
Did you guys see in the news about this giant breakthrough with nuclear fusion? No, let me brag. our Benjamin here is one of the scientists in the lab that did the experiment. No way! Benjamin, you're part of the nuclear fusion team? just a small part. don't be modest, Benjamin. he operated 192 lasers that fused hydrogen atoms together. Oh! that's very impressive, Benjamin. Mom, it's really a team effort, and we're building on years of existing technology and research.
I do stuff, too. Benjamin's not the only one that does stuff. I do stuff, too.
Yes, of course you do, Honey. we're just, we're congratulating your brother because this is a big moment for him. I mean, this could power the entire world with clean energy.
I mean, do you even know how many pizzas I delivered yesterday? how many mouths I fed? No, because you don't even care that I deliver pizzas.
Well, that's great, too, Edgar. Yeah, pizza's really cool. Good job, Edgar.
Yeah, except, well, honey, the pizza place called and said you actually didn't deliver any of the pizzas. I got lost, okay? The houses were on different streets, and I got confused. Sorry, I don't have 192 lasers to do my job for me. Well, I'm just surprised they let you drive again after that sixth Dui. they didn't. I had to take Ubers between the pizza shop and the houses. I lost so much money, and you guys don't even care.
It's okay, pal. we know you're trying your best. we're just acknowledging that your brother was part of a huge scientific breakthrough. Oh, so he creates a little energy and he's a hero, but I sell tons of ketamine, and I'm a criminal? Edgar's right. I'm not a hero. I was just doing my job as an astrophysicist. yeah, yeah, and he's not Mr. Perfect either. Look, he's drinking. well, he's having one glass of red wine. you've had ten beers. that you know of.
Edgar, what has gotten into you? This family never appreciates me.
I'm up every day at 5 a.m. Yeah, to pee, and then you go back to sleep until 11.
You guys never went to any of my soccer games. because you got cut on the first day. you kept picking up the ball with your hands and throwing it in your own goal. Thank you, Yale. this sport is for filthy South Americans, And you keyed your coach's car. You see, nothing I ever do is good enough. I interned on movie sets, and you never supported me. those were pornos. you interned on pornos.
Well, they need coffee, too. maybe even more than regular actors. Edgar, I think you're just a little jealous. of what? his dumb, perfect jawline? And his sparkly blue eyes?
I don't think you quite did it, bud. yeah, the leg is supposed to go through the other leg. and I'm sorry. I'm noticing that you're wearing a diaper. to save time. so I don't have to be constantly going back and forth with the bathroom. God, nothing I ever do is good enough. All right, All right. enough.
Edgar is right. we don't appreciate him. because he is stupid. But he didn't have it so easy growing up. not a lot of kids get kicked in the head by three horses. I thought it was just one. No, it was three. they took turns. And you know what? maybe he can't deliver pizzas or operate a microwave. maybe he never graduated college or kindergarten. maybe he's banned from the zoo for biting a flamingo. it raised its leg at me. maybe he's a lost cause and we should just abandon him forever.
Love it! Problem solved! Or. damn it!
Maybe he's just inert. like a hydrogen atom. And all he needs is the right laser to just split him open and unleash the incredible potential that's locked inside. Because no matter what people say, I say he's my brother. adopted.
What? That's it. forget this, family. I'm outta here. Did you just try to jump out the window and miss the window? That's it. we're finishing this once and for all, Benjamin. go ahead.
I'll even let you get the first. So, how many lasers was it again? um, 192. |
CrackerMilk | best_of_crackermilk | Hey dad catch the ball. Oh Dad I'm so sorry. That's okay, son.
Yeah, go on Dude you might not lay off the junk food. That's a problem for future me I put it down you piece of shit. You got a friend in me You've got a friend in me when the row Do you have protection yeah Who the fuck is that Protection protection from what you are yet to be visited by the cock goblin a beast so vile He'll steal your cock in the fucking ing for centuries He has ravaged my villages Hey dude check out this cool trick I can do with my new yo-yo, it's called walk the dog Really Hey, man, you can tell us if you're gay it's not gay to play with the dominoes Now the dad's gone and you're the oldest I guess that makes you the man of the house I'm King of the castle not exactly what I'm a king of the castle fuck You may kiss the ring of respect Coming along the fuck is that oh Hey, dude, do you wanna be it? No only water for me. Do you want to hear this? Oh only water for me Oh What's up, dude, I've just been doing only fans what I've been doing only fans for years You know there's other ways to make money. I didn't do it for the money I do it because I love my fans and they love me Hey, man, I just wanted to say sorry Hey, can you get me a coke yeah, I can grab you okay? Here you go, man, thanks, dude. Yeah, no worries Dude I'm so hungry, but we already ate everything in the house, huh, well, what are you gonna eat?
The Sun you can't eat this Oh Hey girl hey girl you're hot I'd have sex with you if you let me why do guys always think with their dicks Tell her she's got nice teeth. I can't say that to her.
That's way too objectifying Say when anyone who doesn't get their fucking hands up in five seconds, it's gonna get stabbed By please four say when three three two one That's the best feeling in the world I know right oh I Don't love you anymore go and be free go what the fuck dad But don't watch you go I'm getting in the car and we're going home, okay, so get the fuck out of here Oh Step on a crack break your mom's back. I love my mom Step on a crack break a sex offenders back Did you safely inject of course Dude Your feet is huge Shut up What made you like this oh You did it little bro, you're doing great Congratulations, he looks just like your father what put me down Hey fuck you man Hey fuck you mate. Go fuck yourself. Why did you go fuck yourself cunt? I've kept your receipt and I'm taking you straight back to Ikea now.
What's going on? face How long he's been possessed for about a week it's a ghost not just any ghost It's a weave When it comes out shoot Dubs are better than subs dubs are better than subs Thank you for freeing me I now see the error of my ways it will no longer be a weed I've found my true calling as a furry. Hey. Hey you hey, hey you But you like that you little gay boy, hey you like seeing that you little gay boy Yeah, you like everybody knows that you're the biggest gay in town cuz you like watching men kiss. Let's show them again. Don't look Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me G'day, honey You are now under my control I am now under your control when I snap my fingers.
You're gonna think that chairs are babies You guys want some lunch What About the situation in China the way trying to treat the Hong Kong people is disgusting China is good. Well, I personally believe that the Uighur Muslims in concentration camps deserve justice China is good.
I Don't believe what I'm hearing we can't be afraid These are the oppressors. We must rise up Connor. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Yes Yeah, so if you put coal up there, will it come out as a diamond or ha ha ha ha Looking good for Movember boys. Oh, look it looks good. Look how good this looks man Ready to go to the park.
No without the shirts Not without the shirts Hey guys, thanks for watching our compilation if you want, please help us by supporting us on patreon I'm King of the castle not exactly what I mean. I am king of the castle fuck you make a string of respect Oh Hey, dude, do you want a beer? No only water for me. Do you want to hear this? Oh only water for me I Got a shotgun Well, what's up, dude, I've just been doing only fans what I've been doing only fans for years, you know There's other ways to make money. I didn't do it for the money. I do it because I love my fans and they love me Hey, man, I just wanted to say sorry Oh Hey, can you get me a coke?
Yeah, I can grab you a cake Here you go, man, thanks, dude. Yeah, no worries Dude I'm so hungry, but we already ate everything in the house. Oh, well, what are you gonna eat?
The Sun Hey girl, hey girl, you're hot I'd have sex with you if you let me why do guys always think with their dicks Oh Tell her she's got nice teeth. I can't say that to her. That's way too objective fine Water say when Anyone who doesn't get their fucking hands up in five seconds is gonna get stabbed by please for three One Fuck That's the best feeling in the world, I know right?
Oh Go on free go on listen to me go Get out of here go I Don't love you anymore. Go and be free. Go. What the fuck dad. Oh I don't want you go. I'm getting in the car and we're going home.
Oh Did you say play inject of course Dude your feet is huge. It's so big. It looks like Bigfoot. Are you big for it?
Shut up. I'm not What made you like this Oh You did it little bro, you're doing great Congratulations, he looks just like your father what put me down Hey, fuck you, man Hey, fuck you, mate. Go fuck yourself. Why did you go fuck yourself cunt?
I've kept your receipt and I'm taking you straight back to IKEA now what's going on? You sit on my face. Oh How long he's been possessed for about a week it's a ghost not just any ghost It's a weave When it comes out shoot Dubs are better than subs dubs are better than subs Oh Thank you for freeing me I now see the error of my ways it will no longer be a weed I found my true calling as a furry. Hey, hey you hey, hey you But you like that you little gay boy, hey you like seeing that you little gay boy Yeah, you like everybody knows that you're the biggest gay in town because you like watching men kiss. Oh, let's show them again look Ah Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me G'day, honey You are now under my control I am now under your control when I snap my fingers.
You're gonna think that chairs are babies You guys want some lunch What And what about the situation in China the way trying to treat the Hong Kong people is disgusting China is good Well, I personally believe that the Uighur Muslims and concentration camps deserve justice China is good. I Don't believe what I'm hearing we can't be afraid These are the oppressors. We must rise up Connor. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Yes Yeah, so if you put coal up there will it come out as a diamond or ha ha ha ha Looking good for Movember boys. Look at this good. Look how good this looks man. Ready to go to the park Not without the shirts Not without the shirts Hey guys, thanks for watching our Compilation if you want, please help us by supporting us on patreon |
dropout | fanta_for_the_funny_episode_5_hot_dog_microphone | Hey, Dr. Marshall. I've been having a really weird allergy lately. I don't think a pill's gonna fix this one.
So a lot of you have been asking me to do a makeup tutorial on my eyeliner. Basically, you just put a little eyeliner up there and then, boom, you're done. Didn't you hate it when you tried to show your parents something but they weren't looking?
Ma, look! Look, Ma! I'm flying! Ma!
I'm gonna go... Oh, car's locked. Oh, what's that? My keys are right there.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Ooh, this girl's totally checking me out. We're making eye contact.
Oh, bird boyfriend's tearing me down. of course I remember Valentine's Day. I got you this bread. Thanks again for letting me crash on your couch, Doug. And my ex shows up. So this is my new dating site application. I like long walks to the fridge and short lines at the buffet. Yeah babe, just working out, getting this running.
Did we got it? Yep, cut. Now we go to Tim with the story. Tim, that's not a mic. That's the hot dog. Tim, we can't hear you. This one's called the dude. Are you okay? This one's called the close your mouth and you chew. Back to you John. Tim, the story. Back to you.
Oh yeah. I love this. Can I get the bathroom key? Yep. This looks pretty good. What are you doing now? Apparently the family disappointment. Wow, I look pretty good.
Oh, she's still in. She's still in. |
cracked | what_s_with_these_crazy_jumping_zombie_vampire_movies_yboc | Just like real zombies, Hollywood zombie movies will probably never die, but they could use some innovations. That's why I'd like to suggest a fresh new idea, okay? Make the corpses jump. See, Chinese folklore is stuffed full of references to xiangxi, which are basically vampire zombies that stick their arms out there and just jump after people. And yeah, it's like, just as awesome as it sounds. These movies are also usually martial arts films, which means that the filmmakers have to find a way to make these bouncy goobers also kick-ass ninjas. Like in movies like Mr. Vampire Saga 4, that might mean showing how xiangxi are so strong it takes, I guess, four dudes with magic whips to keep them from jumping. Or, maybe they'll include a scene where their zombie jump is so powerful it can crush a bed. Or they'll just have the xiangxi fight normally, except every once in a while they'll jump around, so don't forget that they're not normal, they're zombies.
You freakin' idiot.
Japan stiff-leggedly hopped aboard the xiangxi train several years ago, and even though the majority of these films came out in the 80s, they're getting kind of a resurgence, and we're even starting to see references to them in Japanese video games. There are hundreds of these films and games out there, and all it takes is a strong heart and a clear mind and a lack of a job to really dig deeply into that world. The most famous filmic luchador, El Santo, personally starred in nearly 50 films that inexplicably, oh my god, inexplicably, but for no reason, inexplicably, inexplicably, inexplicably, inexplicably, alright. The most famous filmic luchador. |
dropout | girl_buys_condoms | Listen, before we go back to my place, I need to stop and pick up some protection. Oh. Unless, of course, maybe you wanted to do it for me, because... Uh... Oh, great! Thank you! It's so embarrassing!
Why doesn't he have condoms? What if he has so much sex he used up all his condoms? What if I'm about to sleep with a male gigolo?
Like that movie. No, can't remember the name. Maybe you should buy a toothbrush for staying over. I don't want to look too clingy. My last boyfriend hated it when I invited myself to his friend's bachelor party. Clean up aisle four. Someone straight up puked. Ew. Do I still look hot in these heels? Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Ew. Fall colors. Nope. No time. Focus. Conoms. So many choices. Oh god, the magnum.
If I buy these, is that a compliment? What if they don't fit? What if they do fit? Will he fit?
Vibrating mini. Maybe I should just buy this for myself and slip out the back door. Okay, I'll just get one of each. I'll call it the sampler. And yeah. Okay. I gotta grab a magazine or something to hide these. Oh, perfect. I could use some subtle last minute tips. Okay. Page 68. Guys love it when you do literally anything at all to them, especially if you're naked. Seems doable.
Seriously guys, the puke isn't gonna clean itself. Man, how does something so small prevent STDs? Then again, how does something so small cause STDs?
Here you go. Oh, Napakothos charging to go condoms, please? Mm-hmm. Oh my god, it's Mrs. Pettigrew, my old science teacher. Don't look, don't look. Just buying condoms for an experiment. That's it, girl. You get some. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_08_05_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Yes, yes, yes, welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate Bulletin. You're joined today, of course, by the same old, same old, myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate, Errol Parker, editor-at-large, how's isolation going, Errol? It's going well, mate. Surviving. How are you, Wendell? It's going to be same old, same old, but we're getting closer and closer, and that has me very excited. How are you, Clancy? Good, mate. Up to five people allowed in the residence this weekend, so I might have a little bit of a keys in the bowl set up with the old usual suspects, but not much else is going on. Recording, of course, live today from the Budgie Smuggler Bedroom Studios, where we're all set up individually. And what's been in the news this week, Wendell?
Well, we'll start off with some national news, and the government is reportedly toying with the idea of consulting teachers on when schools should go back. Well, this happens, we can safely say we've seen it all, because after listening to medical experts on this whole coronavirus thing, if the government listens to the teachers on this one, then that means it will have officially listened to two separate experts this year and acted on their advice. That's pretty monumentable, I think. Well, teachers are, once again, fed up with the government, but I think it's nice of them to be fed up with something different for once. You know, if it's not the government with these teachers, it's the union or the department, the list never ends. So good on the teachers for finding something else to be cross about.
What's next, coronavirus takes their nine weeks holiday?
They do have the hardest job in the country, and in other news from the education sector this week, a local private school is set to build a second airport with SCOMO's cash incentive to resume classes. Interesting story, this one, the Hooten School for Boys up there in Betoota Grove, our town's most leafy and exclusive enclave, has caused a bit of a storm this week. Plenty of people have been saying that they don't deserve the cash if they're going to be putting it to such a use, but they've come out saying that their primary airport just isn't up to scratch anymore. Do you think that's fair enough, Clancy? It's a contentious issue, particularly in the Betoota Grove, where of course I live. I mean, it seems these educators aren't too upset about going back to work if it means they can get another runway put in, but you know, that's a 20-year process. I wonder if coronavirus will be a speck in the rear view by then. Either way, it is good for the Islander kids billeting in for rugby.
You don't want them landing on a rough surface, it's the first time they kind of see the place. No, you certainly don't.
And there was a good comment on that story from Rob Patterson, who said he actually thinks this is way overdue. He said, I hope the facility is open to parents as well, so they can head straight to Vail or Chamonix Mont Blanc, if I'm pronouncing that correctly, before the pagans start their holidays and fly to Bali from the peasant airports.
Hear, hear, Rob.
I loved your work in Twilight.
Moving back home to town now, and we broke a big human interest story this week. Local man still buzzing from that walk in the park with his mate on Saturday. Yes, this was our biggest story of the week, and I think it's pretty easy to see why. It's one that plenty of people can relate to, and it's a real positive one after months of doom and gloom.
Yep, and even old Anastasia Fantasia is going on about lifting the number of adults allowed to visit home up to five this weekend, which sounds glorious, doesn't it, boys? They really are lifting these restrictions. I mean, jeez, they won't be far off letting crowds into Gold Coast Titans' home games at this rate.
From local man to local woman now, and local woman spends self-isolation reflecting on where she might want to eat in five months' time. Yeah, Jess Simms was the name of this young lady, and despite having more time than usual, Jess has had trouble making a decision about where she'd like to go, let alone what she'd even pick from the menu. So it's caused her quite a lot of stress this week, and hopefully she does come to a decision that she's happy with in the next couple of months.
Where are you going to go for your first meal, Errol? Oh, I'm thinking I'm going to go down to Bunnings for a sausage sizzle.
Really? Of course not. I'm not a loser.
Mate, I'll probably dine in at the kernel. Eating KFC in your car like a fucking shift worker isn't what the kernel had in mind when he created his delicious chicken. I think that's what I'll do. You can't beat the atmosphere of a good country KFC restaurant.
You definitely can't. Clancy, how about you?
Well, no. In my luck, Wendell, I'll have the kids that day and be forced to eat at Pizza Hut, something like that. I'll survive coronavirus so I can go try my luck with the rat bait and the fucking salad bar. But yeah, the plan would be a deep pan BBQ meat lovers and enough lime jelly to blow my appendix clean off my large intestine.
That's a lot of lime jelly there, Clancy, moving along. Sounds wonderful. I think it'll be Guzman y Gomez for me. Now we'll wrap up with a sports story for this week.
Mandatory flu shots, somehow the biggest concern for the women married to rugby league players. Yes, a small but growing list of NRL players who identify as anti-vaxxers and their puppeteer wives have been kicking up a stink this week, refusing to take the flu shot ahead of the attempted restart of the greatest game of all for the 2020 NRL season. Flu shots are a part of the biosecurity protocol that has been put in place by St. Peter Volandes and yes, he's found another hurdle in the shape of people who see through the media, namely bored Byron mums. You'd think that in the soap opera of rugby league, there'd be a few more problems before this. Pokeys, Instagram fans, binge drinking, fighting drug use, gambling problems, all of these things you think would rank higher than the effects of a vaccine, I'd imagine. They're all problems that the wet noodle from the AFL doesn't have right now, aren't they?
Yeah, they're good problems to have. If you're listening, Gillian, fuck you. Yes, Gillian McLaughlin is not a wartime leader, that is for sure. And these are all good problems to have, really, in the scheme of things.
The motto goes, if the boys are sniffing coke, they're most likely getting out there and playing good footy. Siege mentality.
Yes, calling Peter Dutton won't get you out of this mess, Gillian, always remember that. Well, that's a pretty good note to wrap up on. Thanks for tuning in this week, and we'll be back again in seven days' time with all of the biggest stories from the Batutah Advocate. However, until then, we hope that you stay safe, and we'll talk to you soon.
Goodbye. See you, mate. Mahalo, boys. |
TheOnion | Giant_Pandas_Finally_Mate_After_Being_Married_In_Catholic_Ceremony | 🎵 Ying Ying and Li Li. They're the two giant pandas who for the past decade have been refusing to mate. That is until earlier this year when the two love bears finally took the plunge and were married in a traditional Catholic ceremony. Hear how the two pandas managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior in order to enjoy some guilt-free sex as a wedded couple. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price and this is The Topical. Don't worry, there's also a lot of bad news to cover after we get done with all this bear-fucking, so stay with us. Some exciting news from Hong Kong's conservation center, Ocean Park. After refusing to engage in sexual activity for 10 years due to their devout Catholic faith, the center's pandas, Ying Ying and Li Li, finally made it after officially tying the knot in a traditional Catholic ceremony. The two pandas, Ying Ying, a male age 12, and Li Li, age 10, made the rare promise to each other not to mate until they were sanctioned as husband and wife by a Catholic priest.
OPR correspondent Alan Potts joins us now with the latest. Thanks for having me, Leslie. Alan, there's certainly been a lot of joy around this long-awaited moment.
Can you tell us a little about the pandas' pressures to mate and how their faith has played a role in this? Absolutely. The two pandas have been a couple for nearly six years, which is about as long as they've been at the conservation center. Conservationists have pressured them to mate to help the panda population, but due to the panda's devout Catholic faith, the two refused to partake in any sexual activity outside the holy bonds of marriage.
It is 2020, though. Couldn't they just do the deed if they knew they were going to marry each other anyway? You know, test the car before you drive it, so to speak?
Well, many follow that line of thinking, yes, but according to sources close to the pandas, Ying and Li both feared for their souls and the eternal damnation they could be bringing upon themselves if they acted on their carnal desires. They both believed that sex was meant only for the act of creating life under the holy bond of marriage. Now, you mentioned they were facing pressures to mate. What kind, exactly? Well, at first, the handlers would leave them alone together for extended periods of time when they were both in heat, but according to sources, being put in that tempting environment just allowed their faith to grow stronger. Here's head conservationist Li Chen. We spent years showing them other pandas mating, pumping putative female pheromones into the male's living quarters, and even tried sensual music at one point. We thought they were perhaps developmentally challenged, but we simply did not realize how serious maintaining chastity was to the pandas.
To see such a pious act of restraint in today's times was remarkable. And did they ever come close to breaking their promises to God? There was some finger and mouth stuff one week, but they clearly felt guilty about it. The whole month afterward, both self-flagellated long into the night.
And how did park officials finally convince them to take the plunge and tie the knot? Well, it had to be a real Catholic ceremony in a church done by a priest, so they needed to be transported by crate. They also required the ceremony to be in Latin, but all in all, it was a beautiful service. Here's audio from the very end of the ceremony.
In name Patrice et Fili et Spiritus Sancti. Amen. May the Lord's blessing be upon you.
I now pronounce you panda and panda. Oh baby, they're really getting after it. Yeah. Reports from those in attendance said the mating only lasted about 15 seconds, but they're hoping it will be better when it's time to mate again next year. Well, if my parents are any indication, Ying and Lei won't be happy until they have 14 kids to dump their insecurities onto when their children are most vulnerable.
Thanks for the report, Alan. That's OPR's Alan Potts, back in a moment.
911, what's your emergency? I need help. There's an African-American man in the park threatening me. We're sending an officer. What's your location, ma'am?
That was the 911 call placed by Birmingham resident Kelly Brosnan, a white woman who was taking a walk in the park by herself when she says she was harassed in broad daylight by a statue of black civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. OPR correspondent Marcy Hammond has more. Marcy? Thanks, Leslie. Kelly Brosnan says she was minding her own business on a socially distanced walk through a local park this week when she realized her path was suddenly blocked by a black man statue. Video of the incident has gone viral on social media, but it appears to show that the statue of Dr. King may not have actually done anything wrong.
Take a listen. I said excuse me. You're blocking the path. Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it. Don't you come any closer or I will call the police and tell them that there is a very dark and very shiny African American effigy harassing me. Oh, well, that's ridiculous.
That statue was just sitting there minding its own business. It didn't do anything wrong. Even so, police officers responded to the call shortly after Ms. Brosnan confronted the monument, which unfortunately only escalated the situation.
Sir, you are under arrest. I'm not going to ask you again. Put your hands behind your back or I will have to use force. Alright, that's it. Tease him. Oh God, that's just terrible.
What kind of country do we live in where a statue of a civil rights icon can't just be in the park without getting attacked by police? Are they actually defending this excessive use of force? They are, Leslie. According to officers on the scene, they saw what they believed to be a weapon in the hand of the statue. Now, that of course just turned out to be the Bible Dr. King was holding, but if it had been a weapon, then things really could have turned out bad.
I suppose that's true. In the heat of the moment, you just sort of have to react.
Well, I spoke with Officer Jim Haskell, who was on the scene that day, and he explained to me that this actually wasn't the first complaint issued against the statue. We've had reports of this statue hanging around the park in the same spot, rain or shine, at all hours of the day and night. We've even on occasion seen it used as a meeting spot for drug deals. So, frankly, we weren't surprised to discover who the complaint was about. Huh, well, when they put it that way, that does sound sort of suspicious. Maybe this statue wasn't so innocent after all. Pair that with Martin Luther King Jr.'s past malfeasance of serving time in a Birmingham jail, and you might even say the police here did the whole community a favor by tearing down the statue and destroying it in the street. Yeah, it just goes to show there are always two sides to every story.
Thank you, Marcy. That's OPR's Marcy Hammond, back in a moment.
Vengeance Rover. That's how NASA is seeking their revenge today, following an unprovoked attack by Mars on their Opportunity Rover nearly two years ago to the day. According to the space agency, Vengeance Rover's mission will be to completely destabilize and obliterate the red planet, once and for all, in honor of the fallen Opportunity Rover.
Joining us now to discuss NASA's surprise attack on Mars is OPR's Rebecca Neal. Hey, Leslie. Rebecca, this was a shocking piece of news to hear today. I assume Mars was caught off guard, too.
Well, that was the idea, although NASA did give the planet 24-hour notice to move itself to another galaxy unreachable by mankind, or face deadly consequences. Evidence suggests that Mars has made zero attempts to follow through on NASA's request, so the assumption is that the planet is ready for all-out war. And how long has NASA been planning this attack on Mars? The NASA officials I spoke with said that the organization had been quietly planning ever since a Martian dust storm tragically cut short Opportunity Rover's mission in June 2018, which they refer to as the darkest day in NASA's history.
But instead of retaliating immediately, they decided to lull the planet into tranquility and attack then. So what's the plan once Vengeance makes contact? Mars is a giant rock named after the Roman god of war. It's not just going to roll over without a fight. NASA officials refused to go into any tactical detail, but I did manage to connect with a source on the inside who sent me the engineering logs from Vengeance's testing phase at the NASA base. Have a listen.
Let's run it again with the spit feature, please. Roger that. Vengeance is now disrespecting the surface of Mars by ejecting a small spit-like substance out of the frontal spout. Beautiful. Engage death mode. Engage. Fire blaster at 100%, reaching 5,000 miles in diameter. Initiating gunfire.
Initiating maniacal laughter from rover forefact. This is mine. Wow, Mars messed with the wrong organization. That's right. The Vengeance rover is also apparently armed with a photo of Opportunity rover, so it remembers why it's torching a 4.6-billion-year-old planet to dust. It must have been hard for NASA to be so patient before retaliating. Though by all accounts it was. Here's head engineer Thomas Daines again, who I spoke with after the press conference. On the day Opportunity rover died, my colleagues had to hold me back from strapping nuclear bombs all over my spacesuit and taking a shuttle directly at that son of a bitch. I wanted justice right away. I wanted to get my hands on that asshole planet and watch it burn. But the longer you wait, the sweeter the reward. What message do you hope to send to Mars and other planets? Fuck with our rovers and you get fucked. Period.
Wow, Venus and Jupiter better take heed. Well, since the attack, sources from all other seven planets said that they fully support NASA's mission and completely condemn Mars' disgusting attack on Opportunity rover in 2018. Seems like they want to stay on NASA's good side. Neptune even offered to hurl itself at Mars if NASA ever needed it, and Venus deployed three billion of its rings for NASA to use as reinforcements once Vengeance rover landed. Well, I look forward to watching the carnage once Vengeance gets to the planet.
I've never really liked Mars. It's just kind of sitting there waiting to be colonized, but no one can figure out how to get there safely anyway. So why not just get rid of it altogether and build a planet that we can actually hang out on? Yeah, good riddance to Mars.
Thanks for the report, Rebecca, and godspeed to Vengeance rover. May your justice be swift and harsh. We'll be back in a moment.
Well, I don't know about you, but that last story got me so hot and bothered, the only thing I can do now is abuse myself with more news. Here's what else you need to know today.
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio was out of the hospital today after being beaten unconscious by police last week for being out after curfew before de Blasio lifted the citywide curfew last weekend NYPD officers found him out on the street shortly after 9 p.m. on Saturday and beat him to a bloody pulp before pepper spraying his lifeless face. De Blasio has reportedly regained a majority of his motor functions and today thanked the city's police force for beating him within an inch of his life and is applauding them for showing the restraint and not finish him off.
And Georgia Governor Brian Kemp is responding to protesters today ordering that the state statue of Confederate war commander Robert E. Lee be replaced with a much larger statue of Robert E. Lee. According to those in Georgia close to the situation, the new one is reportedly fucking enormous.
And finally, former Iowa congressional representative Steve King is taking up some new hobbies. Since losing his re-election bid, the now out-of-work congressman has reportedly been toiling away in his garage putting the finishing touches on his model Holocaust train set. Can't wait to see how it turns out, Steve.
And that's the Topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, you can like and subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcast. Unless, of course, you get your podcast from that guy Jerry.
We don't do business with him anymore. We had a falling out.
I don't want to get into it. And don't forget to tune in next week where we'll take a look at the 90s pop-rock boy band Hanson and find out just how much their family will pay to have the brothers' return safe and sound. You won't want to miss it. Quiet! |
cracked | can_you_boil_and_grink_weed_quorators_featuring_karli_marulli | Slam that button, Alex. ["Quarators"] Hey, we're back at Quarators another week live on Cracked.com YouTube page. Cracked, home of the fact. I'm your host, Alex, with my co-host, Jeremy. Hi, people keep asking if that's a real catch phrase of Cracked, and it's not.
We made it up. It is. It should be real. It is because I say it every week. And no one else is on the channel, so it has to be real. It does rhyme. It has a lot of merits.
I think we're all clear on the merits. No one can stop us from saying it, and now it is the catch phrase of Cracked. No one who works here has told me they don't like it when I say it. Sure. No one has told me that. Yeah. That works.
And I think they would if it was a problem. I think they would.
We got a great show for you this week, all the way from the Big Apple. What's this? You just got off the Staten Island ferry visiting Lady Liberty herself. Well, we've got some big laughs coming in also for the Staten Island ferry, where she does not live, but what if she did live there? And it's Carly Marulli, stand up, come in here, Carly Marulli. Hello, I live on the Staten Island ferry.
You heard it here. Is that so? Well, that's really interesting, and we are gonna talk about that.
And Rent is out of control. It's too damn high. I'm shoving coal into the incinerator.
Okay, so you're not like a stowaway or anything. No, I'm working. You work there. That's good. You gotta work. And it was good that we could get you after work.
That's right. Sure. I just wiped all the soot off. The steamboat that takes people from Staten Island. I'm not sure if I mentioned it as a video podcast. You probably don't want that soot. No, yeah, it's true. That soot's gonna show. The really mean people in our comments are gonna notice the soot. They are. This poor girl has soot all over her face. Sure. Next time you get a guess, get someone without soot. Stuff like that. Yeah.
Well, Carly, I guess I should ask before we begin the entire thing, have you been on Quora? No, I can't say I have.
Oh, you're gonna love it. Do you know what it is? Have you heard of it?
It's like a search engine. Yeah. Mm-hmm, like Bing. Well, I guess not. It's not really a search engine so much as a question engine. Or like Ask Jeeves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can ask it. So Ask Jeeves is like a Google, like it brings you to websites, whereas Quora is just like, oh, hi, I'm Jeeves. Yeah, you can drink that or whatever. It just gives you what it thinks.
Yeah, and then you click on the profile, it says where Jeeves worked and went to school and where he lives and stuff, and you're like, Jeeves, you shouldn't put all that information on the internet. Jeeves, are you good? Is he just a guy? Hey, it's everybody. We're all Jeeves. It's social media. We are all Jeeves. Quora has made us all Jeeves.
I think we get better at explaining the website every week. I think so, too, and I think everybody appreciates it. It's like... I'm pretty good at it by now, I would think. It's like Bing, but we're all Jeeves. Yeah, no, I think we get worse at it every time. Anyway, that's all fine and good.
So we bookend the show by asking a question and then see what the answers are the next week. So we have one from last week. We did? What was the question?
What was worse for New York City, the Green Goblin or 9-11?
Oh, good. That's a great question. And it's important to get community response that's respectful and well thought out. And so I'm hoping that comes across here. As we always say on the show, if you must answer our question on Quora, please use the code word scrambled eggs. And that way we will know you came from the podcast and we won't be mean to you when we read it.
Okay, this first comment is from Adrian Flitcroft, who's a former ex-clothing machinist. Thank you for your service. Thank you, Adrian.
The Green Goblin was a fictional character in Marvel Comics.
9-11 was an attack which killed nearly 3,000 people and devastated the lives of thousands of others who had lost loved ones or been traumatized by the attacks. You seem to be of a generation which is incapable of distinguishing between fact and reality, fiction and reality. Furthermore, this question is insulting to the memories of all of those who died in 9-11, their families and also their survivors.
Question downvoted and you blocked and muted Alex Vatak. What? Is that true?
I was forgetting to talk my name. You're the lead, you're blocked and muted. You can't do the show? I can't talk to Adrian now? You're not welcome on the platform.
Wait, but I can't respond to the box? What happens if you respond to the box?
How about just eat it, Adrian? Tell him to eat it.
It says you cannot. Shit, son of a bitch. I upvoted it, I don't know what to do. Don't upvote it on Adrian's side.
I can still go to his thing and comment. Why is he dressed like Indiana Jones? He's so cool. He lives in Ventnor, Isle of Wight.
So this is not an American? No, this is a British guy. This is a British guy telling me I triggered him and I'm blocked?
Yeah, dude, yeah. Isle of Wight. God, he's on a goddamn isle. That's what they call freaking the United Kingdom. That's right. Oh, the Isle of Wight.
It's kind of political show. Yeah. I feel like every episode by the end of the episode we're like, we can do our little offensive jokes now and take our little 9-11 question and then we forget that next week we have to start with 9-11. It's the beginning, yeah.
Which is rough, yeah. What is it more rough than the Green Goblin?
That's what we're here to find out. That's what we want to know. And also the other problem is we send ourselves Spider-Man questions at the beginning and then we talk about Spider-Man for 45 minutes.
Yeah. One other answer, 9-11 was real Green Goblin, his fantasy. These guys. It's very consistent. Yeah. Sure. Same things.
I don't want him to exist.
And that's from Lee Win Godry. Thanks for the answer, Lee Win. Thanks for the answer and for not blocking and muting, Mr. Alex Patak.
Yeah, really, engage with the conversation. I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to grow.
And you're all so mad at me. And it makes me want to cry, but I'm on camera so I won't.
Yeah. Okay. I think Green Goblin would be worse if he was real. I would say that too. Now, Jen. We could move around. Yeah. 9-11 was just at ground zero. Yeah. What was that? It was at a bunch of spots. That's true.
Now that I'm thinking of that, it's kind of a concerted effort. Green Goblin never attacked the Pentagon. It had an incredible range of motion if you think about it. But this is what I wanted to say. And again, we will not be talking about Spider-Man the whole podcast, but doesn't... Green Goblin seems like he kills more than 3000 people. That's what I'm saying.
He's got those bombs that turn you into skeletons. He throws goddamn pumpkins at your ass. And he could just knock you off of like a rooftop bar.
Yeah.
I hate when I'm at the rooftop bar and the Green Goblin gets in there. He picks you up on the back of your shirt and just drops you off the building. As he cackles.
Mind if I pick up the bill? That's something you can say. And your name is Bill in this case. Right. It really works. Is that like a mechanic? Yeah, yeah. He reads your name tag. But I'm Bill. This is the kind of situations you could be in and that would be really scary for that.
So, jury's out. The real lesson is that one is real and one is in Spider-Man. Yeah. Sure. Okay. That wasn't really the question, but. Yeah, I agree with that. Jury's still out. Okay.
Also the Green Goblin is real. He's not like a real man, but that character is real. Right. Maybe the publication of that character was worse than 9-11 for New York City.
You'll hear no debate from me, good friend. Thank you. Nor I. All right, let's move on. Let's go.
Our first segment is romance questions. It's called Quar Romance. Whoa. Welcome to Quar Romance. It's coming, sit awhile. So these are questions on Quarra that we found that are about romance.
We got all sorts of sound effects. Yeah. We got them all. It's not just that one. Slam the ka-ching. I made it too quiet. There we go. Yeah, that first one was like $3 hitting your head. No, I need that big money.
It's Quar Romance. Quar Romance.
The question is, why are women cheating on their husbands at an all time high now? Wow. Uh-huh, honey. Wow.
This is a question I wanna ask every week. So true. Is that a fact? What's the date? I read it on Quarra.
I like to think that this is a poly guy who has been cheated on by all of his wives. No. He has like 10 wives and they've all cheated on him. Yeah, this is an individual targeted problem. He didn't get invited. It was one person's personal experience. They had one orgy.
Fresh off of getting cheated on. He's like, why are all women cheating? Women you think you can trust. This is the Nate Silver of being cheated on.
Yeah, yeah. He's got the data. Now I've found in this, you cannot use this data. I have not been cheated on.
As far as you know. To my knowledge. As far as you know.
Nonetheless by all women. So I guess you gotta just throw my experience right out, right, if this is the statistical trend? Yeah. I don't know. And being on the woman's side of this, I've never cheated on someone. Wow. Really? None of your husbands? The last faithful woman. No, that's right. Cracked commenters.
It could be you. We might kind of like a raffle dating show. Yeah. Offer women up to the camera. We're like, is this for you? Do you like that?
She hates this question about treasury. Yeah, I really, I wish I had a, you know, more experience, more light to shed on this. Yeah, maybe over time, over time you'll begin to cheat, I guess. I feel like when you talk to anyone who is like cheated, they're like, well, you don't know sometimes, you know.
Sometimes you gotta. Yeah. Love finds a way. True. I feel like women have more opportunities to cheat. Love finds a way, by the way, is the, love finds a way is exactly the right thing to say, I just want to back you up on that. Thank you. What were you saying?
It's easier for, like women have more opportunities to cheat, I feel like. I feel like more guys are just like, I don't care, I just won't have sex with anything. Yeah, the desperation. Probably an equal amount of men and women want to cheat, but it's, yeah, it's probably easier for women to go through with this.
This is the poly thing, is that the classic poly joke is like, we became poly and then my girlfriend started going on more dates and I play more Elden Ring or whatever. Yeah. Which works for some people. Yeah. If you are a man who feels like you're not getting enough time for Elden Ring, maybe poly could be a solution for you. Yeah.
Life is out. She's out of the house and you're in the capital. We gotta get you out of the house more. I need you to be fucking. You're not living your life.
So are the comments very pro or anti this question? Well, this is on the internet, so a lot of them are anti-women. Look how long this answer is. You, that can't be good. This is like five big paragraphs.
This is very much someone who has fake science as to why this is happening. Because it's possible, easy, and tempting, the human race has developed in such a way that when people want something, they now go out and get it. We have inbuilt sexual urges that are ever present and are part of our makeup. It is a natural thing that is specifically there.
It's like DoorDash for cum. They should make that. DoorDash for cum. Yeah. But when? I'm not tipping you just for making me cum. And it's the same as like if you're a DoorDash, you don't get to pick the guy. No.
You make them cum and you take the picture. And then you prove it to them. And then you take the picture of you.
And they're all like, fuck that. I'm just a puddle on the ground. Look, you can tell they're asleep. Yeah.
This chair is so broken, by the way. I'm going to fall out of this thing. I fell off of one recently.
It was very funny. Maybe that'll come up later. I pray it doesn't. This is something so shocking. I just want to make sure that everything you're saying is getting picked up. So I'm going to like move this closer towards you. It's tough being a woman on a podcast.
It's just not built for us. It's really not. Everything's too big. It's too far away. It's like the cockpit of a fighter jet. They design it with one size. I bet like women can't reach the top switches. Headphones are way too big.
I can't hit the uh-huh, honey. That's too far away. I wouldn't be able to do any of this.
I'm confused what the colors mean. That's me. We will get you trained on that. But yeah, so the other four paragraphs aren't as good. No, I'm not reading that.
I'm sure they only get worse. This woman, Caitlin Mariette, says, my ex was an asshole.
That's why I cheated. Oh, all right. So a cheater in here. I'll vote for cheater. Yeah. She's an exotic dancer. Good for you, girl. Yeah. Go cheat on him, girl. Probably easier for her to cheat. Yeah. And it says dancer slash bar worker.
All of her photos are, I have to click to see them. So I'm guessing they are nude photos. Oh, wow. Yeah. On Quora. Just dropping nudes on Quora. Maybe they're just offensive. I have to imagine these posts on the sub Quora because boobs. Well, she puts her kick on there too.
I shouldn't say it, right? Don't say it.
I want to. I want to though.
What about her wicker? Look at this one. Oh, I want to say that one too. This lady's wilding out. Without saying what they are, we want to say them. Right. So just imagine the first thing that pops into your head when we say that. She's got a website too. Think of a funny word. Yeah, we can tag her in the post.
I mean, I don't know why this is just porn. What website are you on right now? I went to a website that is just porn. He just opened up porn during this podcast. Her website was pornhub.com. This podcast sucks. Going on Pornhub.
Yeah, this is unattenable for women. Oh God. I really did not think that was going to happen.
I thought it was going to be like a blog. Ladies, if you come on this podcast, they are going to thrust porn on you. We're going to offer you to our commenters. Do you think this is funny? I think you look over, it's just full porn.
All right, well, that sucked. That's too bad. It's okay, I'm not mad.
I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at Caitlin for cheating. I thought it was going to be a mommy blog. Why are all women cheating?
All right. We did not answer the question by the way. You brought up some interesting points. I think climate change has something to do with it. That's a great one. It's getting hot in here.
Do you think it's because men are like making less money? Oh! The gig economy? Sure. Because your broke ass isn't home. That's right. Two bits. It's like in the same way you would have like a couple of gigs, it's like you need the income of multiple men with a tiny job. Oh yes, I see what you're saying. Women are forced to have two, maybe three boyfriends. Right, because none of them have like insurance. Yeah.
The men are out of the house working at Comme d'ordache. Just jacking each other up. It's a vicious cycle. Biking around the neighborhood.
Exhausted. God, I'm tired. Long day at work.
This is how I feel with podcasts. They would now have to have more podcasts to represent the single income from one 1950s podcast.
Yeah. It's sad. It's genuinely true. What do we got next? Okay. Oh, I've already opened this one.
Oh, fuck me. What do they do? Oh, fuck me.
How and where do sailors on US Navy ships have sex with each other? How and, I like where. Where is a fun part of it. Probably just out in the open, it's all guys. I think how is also funny.
Now Carly, you work on the Staten Island Ferry in the coal room. That's right. I'm seeing a fair bit of this activity. Where are the sailors fucking over that thing? In the, on the starboard. On the bow. The stern. I don't know anything. Probably the stern. On the poop deck. Sure. Oh yeah. They're raising the mast. In the port hole. Ooh. In the mess hall. We're looking for locations. The brig. Definitely in the brig. The brig for sure. On the plank too. Ooh. Heck, captain's quarters.
Fuck the plank. Make him fuck the plank. Oh far worse punishment than just drowning. The plank is long.
It's square. You can walk it. Fucking it is a, that's a challenge. I don't want to work out the kind of details of how that works. I'm a good sailor. Right. Thank you.
How do sailors have sex? Just like everybody else. The same as regular non-sailor guys.
Yeah, I think so. It does say US Navy, so maybe there's an air of respect to it. To formality between a private and their privates. Corporal or whatever. Maybe they salute each other. Yeah. To get started. The stainless white suits while they do it. Yes. The dress clothes. And maybe they do that really elaborate like rifle. Oh, we love that. They do that with each other's dicks. Yeah, they assemble each other. Yeah, it's like that.
I feel like I'm a godless big city liberal and I have a lot of negative associations with the military. Go off. And then they do stuff like throw a gun in the air and I'm like, this is great. Well, it's theater. As a New York liberal, you love theater. Oh, yes, yes, yes, so I can export my godless demands.
I like when they sing. It doesn't happen often. The Navy? They have been many musicals. They do a lot of dance. The thing is on a ship, you gotta, you gotta sing.
Over there.
I'm gonna fuck you over there. I am the very model lover. Come slut.
I don't know the whole song.
It's something like that. Let's see some answers. Yeah, sure. William Zerbe says, wherever they can find a place. That's what I'm saying.
I remember when women were starting to show up on the ship. The first time I saw them, I was like, I don't know.
I don't know.
The first time you did not hear about it while on the ship. What? Okay. You remember when women were first allowed on the ship? My last deployment was seven days.
Not to date myself, but I remember when we stopped drowning witches. I was there on that day. I was about to drown a witch and they were like, no, actually.
That's the last one. Right. You can do that one and that's it.
They let her go from the scruff of her neck. She's buried away. His last deployment was seven days after 9-11. Yeah. Women were fully integrated.
Seems like people were getting caught all the time having sex on the ship. We had one female that was busted four times for having sex on the ship. This is a terrible writer. She was busted. She was busted four times for busting.
And also this is not an answer to the question. The question is about sailors fucking each other. It says how and when. It's very specific.
I think the woman is a sailor, right? Yeah. Yes. The question is like, is the term sailing woman or something? No, I think this is like a strange woman from the port. Maybe they're like switchboard girl. We're talking about a real doc rat. I've ever went with women. No. It's a damn shame the way they treat these women. Oh yeah.
Anyway, I think they do it on the stern. It's gotta be the stern. It's the best place to do it. Or right where that thing at the front, like the mermaid statue is. Oh, the prow. Is that it? You made that up. It sounds right, doesn't it? The prow.
What do you ram with? Do you ram with them?
The level of knowledge you two have about the high seas is almost none. You know nothing about the high seas.
No. Yeah, I don't think I'd be good at being on a boat. I think I would die quickly. Yeah, I don't think I would like it. I think I'd get a little stir crazy.
Show me you haven't been on the high seas without showing me you haven't been on the high seas. I think day one I'm getting scurvy and no one knows how. That you already weren't having fruit yet. Yeah, you're done. And then just one more day on the ship puts you over. Yeah, like my leg falls off. You haven't had a piece of fruit in like five years and then you join the Navy. Any other answers on this?
They're all so long. I want like a real account of like a gay sailor who is like, all right, here's what we'll do. Yeah, we're all pissed off that everyone's like, women and men have sex on this ship. We're like, get out of here. Shut up. Sex between two sailors is between a man and a woman.
I love it that all these questions are like, oh, people in the military, do they fuck? And it's like teen boys being like, should I join the army?
I'm gay. I am this close.
We gotta go back to that woman's porn website to find answers for this. No, no. We stay on Quora.
There you go, various head spaces, AKA bathrooms. Head spaces.
For certain, that happens a lot with gay Filipino sailors. Wow. Huh, for some reason, you say. That's what he said. Okay. I don't know, James H. Jenkins. He's an INFJ, I can tell you that much. That's a Filipino name if I've ever heard one. Jenkins.
He lives in Southeast Asia. He lives in Thailand.
This is a reputable figure from top to bottom. Yeah, he seems like a good guy.
He knows about personal growth and dungeons and dragons. Dungeons and dragons, deep dive.
Honestly, same. You should join the Navy. I dare not. It's not too late. Fuck this guy in a headroom. I gotta turn my life around. Yeah, get in the head space with that guy.
My wife is gonna hate this twist for me. She's cheating.
Yeah. Damn it! It's cause I don't know any knots, isn't it? All right, here's a question.
What is something guys want girls to do more often? Oh, fellas, we're always asking this. All right. Girls gotta come on more podcasts. That's right. It's so true. Girls have to stop fearing podcasts. And we're always asking.
That's not the problem. They're declining. They're declining because they're too far away from the buttons.
What do men want women to do more?
I'm assuming the answers to this are gonna be like unholy fucking cum brain. All sorts of jobs. It's gonna be anal top to bottom in there. Totally spitting. I don't know. Probably fucking spit play. Spit play. Well, apparently. Spit work.
Sandwich play. Sandwich work. Sandwich job.
My wife refuses to put me between two buns. And you ask and you ask. Give me an SJ. SJ.
Unfortunately, I guess Quora is much more boomer than we thought.
Because the top answer is nagging is something that drives guys crazy. Fellas, first of all, slam that subscribe button. Now that you're here. That's right. If you haven't heard enough, I don't know what to tell you. This is not our channel, but I want you to do it anyway. Slam that subscribe button. Hit that thing. Nagging. Nagging is one of those words where it's like, guys do that too, but it's not called nagging. No.
It's very visual when you hear it. Guys remind you of stuff. Yeah. Reminding. Guys give perfectly appropriate reminders. Yeah. That pipe's hot. At correct intervals. Stuff like that.
Women are nagging. I hate it when a woman tells me a pipe is hot. I'm gonna touch the hot pipe.
I don't care. Stop nagging me.
I can see this actually happening for you, Alex. I touch a lot of hot pipes and I burn myself. And you're like. Oh, do you have like a bathroom hot pipe? I have a bathroom hot pipe.
There used to be, and this is a useless information. There was a wonderful comedy club in New York for a while that had a low hanging hot pipe everybody touched. And it was right around head level. Right of passage. What venue is this? Brooklyn comedy fucking thing.
Collective? Collective, yeah.
It's still around. No. It was annoying or whatever. Don't, what was the name of this fucking thing?
And it was a head level hot pipe when you came in. That's why it's closed. Carnegie hall? I was basing on the name of this terrible building. You didn't get to brush yourself up under the hot pipe. How do I get to Carnegie hall?
Duck under the pipe. Duck under the hot pipe.
Don't feel the heat radiating, just don't touch it. I had a job where I was making hamburger, I would make hamburger every day. And there was a low hanging hot lamp and I touched it like into my forearm every time I put a hamburger up there and my arms looked like a tiger's stripes. Oh, I see the edge of the hot lamp was yeah. Yeah. It was very painful and I kind of hoped it was permanent.
It looked cool, but it's all gone now. Don't worry about that. Okay. Okay, cool. Well, I think that's the end of the show. I think that's the end of the show. Gotcha. Okay, cool.
What was the question? Why are women nagging so much? Why are bitches so fucking annoying?
That's the question. I try to see if there's any others that are interesting. One guy says, be honest if they like a man. Yeah.
That's a lot of them is, a lot of them are just guys being like, no one's ever hit on me because women are too scared. I just wish women would stop cheating, which is an all time high I've heard.
It's out of control. It's unstoppable.
Oh, here's a great one from Molly Jensen. So this is a woman herself answering. She says, well, not being a guy.
My man says he likes when we are calm. He wants to be understood.
We actually like each other. We are kind to one another. We are loyal to each other. We appreciate each other every day. We enjoy one another.
It's easy. No drama. We listen to each other. I am married to a nervous dog. No judgment. That's about it. Thanks for listening.
Men want women to use periods. Oh yes. Run-ons are very dangerous to us. She does sound like she has a gun to her head. What do men want?
They just want everything to be okay. That's all. Yeah, no problem. No problem. We love each other so much. No problem. They just want this all to go away.
Oh, here you go. Make clear decisions. Be more adventurous in bed. These are rough.
Love a list form. Love a list format.
They control sometimes in bed. It's like, okay, you're submissive. There's not a problem with women. You have a kink. This is your fetish, dude.
Wayne, photographer from 2016 to present.
Okay. One problem all women have, I think, is pointing out when I'm farting. Saying P-U when I do a big fart. Let's see. He says he wants women to make more noise during sex. There's a lot of sex stuff. Yeah.
Number one is just have faith in me. Support our dreams. We don't really believe in our dreams as much.
This is not an issue on all men. I'd say my three issues are believe in me, believe in my dreams, anal. That's probably it. I like this one.
We don't want you to be our wives and girlfriends all the time. We sometimes want you to be our buddies.
Will you wear a hat backwards, miss? Will you grind on a rail? You look kickflip with me, babe.
Believe in me! Believe in me is really funny to me.
Have gay, Navy sex with me. In a head space. I won't you peg me on a shoe. This one's sad.
Green Bay fan says, act like you were physically attracted to your guy. Ugh, Green Bay fan. Green Bay. You gotta find someone who's into you. You gotta find a Green Bay fan fan.
That's right.
You gotta hang out at more of the games. Hang out at the games. Do people say that outside of comedy for like sports fans? They're like, you gotta hang out at the stadium. That game was a hang. You gotta make friends with the bartender at the Packers game. They let me write in. They'll let you play if you hang out. We stand in the back with our arms crossed at the game.
Pretty good play. It's good stuff.
This question is, I punched someone in the face with a lighter in my hand and blew up his face. Sorry. I punched someone in the face with a lighter in my hand and blew up on his face. Okay, I said it right.
He was knocked out, but I left. Will he be okay? Oh my God. It doesn't sound like he's okay, man. That rocks.
It blew up on his face? It punched someone with a lighter and his hand and exploded? And the lighter blew up?
I wish I was you more than anything.
Do you think his hand exploded? That's my question. Like, is your hand okay?
No, he made it so just the lighter blew up on his face. Act like you've been there before. Just explode the face. Like the lighter was already lit. It was like a big lighter. Maybe he had gasoline all over his hands. Yeah, he left out that part where he doused him in gas. How hard do you gotta punch someone to explode a lighter?
I don't. Myth busters! Stupid addition. We're doing myths that no one thinks and kinda sound made up. No one believes this guy.
Who is the guy? Can you get back in touch with him?
I pray for my enemies. I like this answer. This guy is a former veteran. D.E. Mack says, hard to say. This happened to me too. It's very common for grown men to get into a fight and one of them die. It's very common. That's right. It happens all, that's called Wednesday. D.E. Mack, that's Wednesday. I personally know men who have been to prison for unintentionally killing someone in a bar fight. I wouldn't recommend it. Yeah, me too. I hate it when that happens. I'm clicking on D.E. Mack's profile. He's a former veteran. This picture's crazy.
I just wanted to do a punch. I didn't know I was gonna explode his face. I just wanted to do one punch. While holding a lighter.
We were boys. D.E. Mack rocks, man.
Why does he look so scary in the picture? It's like an animated portrait of a skull. Yeah, he kinda looks like Xerxes from 300.
Someone had a question. What is the best response to it's over from your partner?
And D.E. Mack says, hit the road. The damn road. D.E. Mack! That's right. No questions, no pushback, hit the road. It's D.E. Mack's world. We're just living in it. One of his, like, things is knows Korean. Hell yeah, D.E. Mack. I had to flee to Korea after killing a man at a bar. Right.
Didn't mean to. Sucks, wouldn't recommend it. Amen. Just gotta move on.
He's asked four questions ever, and in February his first question ever on Quora was, did Jimi Hendrix ever meet Bruce Lee? Both were very familiar with the Seattle area, after all.
That rules. That's a great question. I wonder if it's true. Yeah, I don't know. There's one answer on it. Hopefully there's like a picture of them together. That's the answer. There's one thing they don't teach you in the armed forces, and that's if Jimi Hendrix met Bruce Lee once. I can't read it. They won't tell you that. That's something you gotta find in your own, brother. There's an answer, but it's hidden behind Quora Plus.
Ah. Whoa. Damn.
We should. We're doing the work. We really should.
If you're doing the work making fun of your website, why aren't you giving us free subscriptions to stuff? Yeah, you're using your website wrong. Give me a free version.
I'm blocked by that one guy. And muted. I can't respond.
Okay, here's a question. Can you boil and drink weed? Oh. What is drink? I have the perfect sound for this. Is that just a word I don't know?
No, that's not good. That's not good.
I am grinking it.
Don't ever drink weed. I've heard, so someone told me, when you have a little bit of keef left in your grinder, it's not coming off. It's kind of stuck in there. Put it in a boiling pot of milk. Boil it with milk, like hot chocolate, and then drink the milk. I'm not gonna drink the milk. That sounds so bad. You can boil and drink your weed that way. I would rather not be high than drink the boiled weed milk.
There you have it. Is drink a real word? What does this mean? No, I think. We gotta drink it. I don't know. I don't smoke weed. Maybe it's a real thing everyone knows.
Everyone's grinking the weed. I love to party because they all started grinking weed.
I don't do that. I know of the grink when people misspelled the grink. Sure. Is this related per chance?
Is it greedily drinking? Oh. Greedily drinking. It's a kind of drinking milk. Lustfully consuming the milk.
Putting it away. Yeah, I'm gonna try grinking after this ends probably. I'm gonna grink. Oh yeah. It's Thursday today. I can get grunk. Should I look this up?
What grink means? Grink.
This better not be porn again. I'm back on Pornhub.
Not a lot for grink. Better not.
It brings you back to that same lady's website. Damn it. A derogatory term for white people? What?
That doesn't seem right. Why don't you go home and grink some weed? That doesn't seem right.
No one's ever called me this. They're always.
Grink? These damn grinks are so high. No Vietnamese ever called me grink. This grink pulled out an acoustic guitar at the party. I don't know if this is what the question was, but I'm very into exploring grink.
This is also added by white dude to Urban Dictionary. Thank you white dude. He wants it so bad. He wants a slur. This grink mother fucker. He brought Thai food into the movies. I'm like struggling to think of what white people do. Well, yeah, you could boil grink weed if you're a frickin' white guy. Hell yeah, brother. Go off. Yes, white guy. It does sound racially coded.
It's a Proud Boy initiation, grinking the weed. You better drink weed with us tonight. You can't see. You're not leaving here till you're crunk.
The answers are all confusing. None of them has made it easier for me to understand what's happening.
Do you want to pick just one? Grinkin' weed sucks, man.
Yeah, that's what we said. That's right. That's enough of that. It does suck.
Permitted knowledge.
Okay, here's a good one. How do you tell if you're a werewolf? Ooh. Yeah, I don't know. Full moon. Yeah.
You wouldn't be able to miss it. You wouldn't.
You turn into a wolf. The thing is if you turn into a wolf, you're a werewolf. That's what I say. Maybe I'm just ignorant. If you. Where I'm from, when you turn into the wolf. Oh yeah. That's when you're a werewolf, brother. Try that in a forest. You're howling at the damn moon. You're plaid shirt off. You might be a werewolf. Where I grew up in Massachusetts, you had to turn into a wolf to be a werewolf.
Is that simple? Sorry, that's just how we did it. It's a little country secret. Well, culture has taken this from us.
Oh yeah, now you can be all kinds of wolves. We're gonna be started on the ways that I mean that sentence. I can't talk about it. Yeah, I think the answer is just if you turn into a wolf. If you turn into a wolf, that's how you tell. That's the answer for me. I don't care what people say. Is this like, if you're trying to catch it, pretty wolf? Like you just got hair on your knuckles or something?
Right. Sure. Then you run into a lot of like, I'm Italian, but am I a wolf question? Sure. Well, yeah, this is like a Greek teen. Yeah, yeah. All right, I'm not saying I am.
I'm just saying if I was, I would wanna know now. Right, it was better to know sooner than later probably. I don't wanna find out when I like kill my family or whatever. I wanna just catch it.
He like runs away from home with a backpack to protect his family.
Is werewolfism, is it puberty-based? Like do you turn into a child wolf? So there's a film about this called Teen Wolf.
Interesting. Oh, that would clear it up. And usually you find out on the basketball court.
Oh yeah, they do the flip. When you're playing basketball or you're surfing on a car. You surf on a car as the other thing a wolf does.
You're both wolves and he says, we're Italian. Look at his son, we're Italian.
That's why you're so good at basketball. Yeah, exactly, exactly. You kind of invented this boy. They don't want us to know that, but. Basketball. We dominate the league, Italians.
It was called pasta ball. I can't talk about it anymore. It was called ball. That's what it was what's called. We would put the pasta in a basket. Why do you think the ball looks like a shell?
I've always wondered that. That's how you know if you're a werewolf by the way. You heard it here. You heard it here first. Be careful out there. That's a correct fact.
This question has no answer. Maybe it does. I'm confused.
The website is bad.
Some of them are answering different questions to say, can you prove you're a werewolf, which I am not interested in answering. I can't prove I'm a werewolf. I've never turned into a wolf.
That would be the proof. That's, I don't know. I could do a podcast about it. This guy wrote like a poem.
Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night may become a wolf when the wolf's bane blooms when the autumn night is bright, written by Michael Aruta. So if the wolf's bane blooms. Does this have any significance to you? Has it happened late at night when the moon is full?
Your wife says, Sheldon, go outside if you're going to do that. Take the dog with you.
Is this an episode of Young Sheldon? I haven't seen it, so I don't know if it's from Young Sheldon. This is from Young Sheldon.
That sounds right. Bazinga, says the wolf. Okay.
What if Young Sheldon's like, it's like a werewolf show and no one watches it. Yeah, no one knows. Secretly a really great show.
He's emerging from his shell of being a man. That's cool. I assume that it's got something to do with it. If you want to check that if you have been bitten by some animal and that animal will be a werewolf, then you should have to check the following symptom appearing in you.
First, you should not be able to touch the holy water or holy thing. If you do this, your skin would burn. Second, you can't think of the name of it right now. It's a holy thing. You'll know when you see it. I meant Bible. It's like a book. Second, you would not be able to touch the thing which were made of silver thing.
Third, you will not be able to control your anger and you would become violent. You should stared feeling that some unknown power started growing inside of you and you will become more powerful, more smarter and more faster than anyone, normal human being. Fourth, you have many hair coming in your body part.
If you want to know more about these things, follow us at HauntingWizard.com. Thank you. Like and subscribe for werewolf knowledge.
Yeah, give them that upvote. They didn't have that upvote. Oh, hell yeah. Tell them to upvote for you, sir. Top comment.
What the fuck do you guys mean? I don't know these adult-like words. I'm just a kid. Then go to school. I don't know what a holy thing is. I'm a boy. What's a damn silver thing? I'm a boy.
I don't have college learning to read about your werewolf facts. Woo! Normal guy. Normal guy checking in here. I may be a wolf.
All right, well, let's move on from that question. That's for the best. Werewolves, sure. Oh, this is a really good question. If centaurs and minotaurs are all males, with whom do they mate? Is that true? Oh, baby!
I don't think that is true. No, I don't think so either.
But do you ever see, I feel like sometimes there's like adult fantasy kind of world building where it's like, you can tell it's good world building because the centaurs have juicy tits. Yeah, right? I've never heard that one. I feel like I've seen a girl centaur or something.
Oh yeah, well, in Brooklyn. Yeah, in Bushwick.
Eight million stories. They're out there. Everybody's got a tale to tell.
And that's a pun because of the centaur. Because they're horses. Let's assume, just give them the benefit of the doubt, that we don't know it, but they are all men. And then you have to assume they're having sex with human women and horses. Oh, I thought it was a headspace situation. I think it's like a donkey situation. Yeah, they're on a boat. Yeah, I guess they're probably kidnapping farm girls.
Yeah, with their man arms. The minotaur is half bull, so bulls can only be male. Well, minotaur is just one guy. Well, there could be minute men.
Isn't he the guy in the labyrinth? Yeah. There's not more than one of them. Oh, that guy from the labyrinth? Yeah, he's not the guy from the labyrinth. He's single. Yeah. The cracked off his labyrinth?
Ladies. So, donkeys are what? A horse and a mule, right? Or no, a mule is a horse and a donkey. It's confusing, but yeah. And they can't breed, so what if centaurs are just like a horse and a horse girl? I think that is what it is. A horse and a horse girl. They can only be created, but they cannot procreate.
Yeah. And everyone is a Mr. Hands. An under-supervised horse girl. Yeah, yeah. You gotta watch them. You gotta keep your eye on her. You wanna have them a centaur while you're still in school. Oh my god. Now, let me pull up a quick video. They take a lot of upkeep. Oh yeah.
Think of the grass. The hay. You could be losing apples left and right.
Oh, thank god. The top comment on this is from Kip Wiore, and he says there is only one minotaur. He's a single monster, not a species or race. Thank you, Kip.
Louder for the people in the back, Kip. I refuse to be yelled at on my own podcast by my commenters.
What a lonely existence. Yeah. I'm sorry I said Jeremy was an idiot.
Centaurs are all male because females of their type are called centaurs. Oh, centaurs. That's a beautiful name for a girl. We talk about centaurs in the classical era. Huh, all right. Centaurs.
I'm gonna Google it. Yeah, get some pictures poppin'. And we're back on Pornhub. And we're back.
It's all 3D. Some of these are nude. They're looking good. She's got a little tank top on though.
This one, yeah. Yeah, they gotta keep it tasteful. Or this one. Wow, where's the, if I may, the pussy's gotta be in the back, right? Oh, that's the question. Is it here or is it there? It's gotta be there. You know that shit grippin'.
And kicking. And it's kicking and it's a horse. You have to do from behind if it's a horse. You can't do missionary with the horse girl. Having sex as a centaur would be a goddamn nightmare.
Absolutely. The body is infernal. It's long in too many ways. Yeah. Because they have like two torsos. They have a top torso, bottom torso. You're so far away from the human part.
Like, we always think of how gross centaurs are to us. They must be disgusting to horses.
Oh yeah. Because they're just like, why is the head a whole body? What the fuck? Oh my god, it's monstrous. You could go right angle. Yeah. Just awful.
I picture your horse saying, what the fuck is really funny to me? I don't know why. What the fuck? What the shit is this?
Stamps his foot. Hey moonbeam, get a load of this.
Put down your sugar.
Okay, here's another question. Can you climb mountains and sleep on top of them? What are the rules for that kind of thing? Hammocks, right? Don't they do hammocks and mountain climbing?
Yeah. Oh. So they stick them into the side of the mountain. Yeah. That makes sense.
You can do it in a hammock? Is it a rule? There's no rules. Or is it just a custom?
You mean for sleeping on mountains? You can do it. Yeah, climb on mountains and sleep on top of them. Sure, you can find a fox hole or something.
I don't think there's any rules. No, there's no rules.
You can really, anything goes up there, it's a mountain. Just get back down by the time it's bedtime. Yeah, just don't stay up there. You're gonna freeze. It's too cold up there. There's a snowy peak. And you're gonna roll over and fall. Sure. Some people have been sleeping there forever.
Green boots on Everest? That guy's dead. Talk about green boots. Who's green boots? Green boots, do you know about this? Green boots is a guy who died on Mount Everest in the 80s and he is now a mile marker. People will be like, oh, we're at green boots. Oh, we're at green boots.
That was Daniel. Is it supposed to be like a deterrent? Nope, it's just like we know where we are now because we see green boots. It's mostly green boots. He'll like slap his ass and go like. Green guys do not fuck green boots. He tried to put like a green bar in his mouth. Yeah, people try to fuck him. Stop doing graffiti on green boots' body. No more sunglasses on green boots. He's got five pairs of sunglasses. The fact that you asked if you could fuck green boots just shows how insecure this generation is blocked and reported. Blocked and reported. I think it's like one of those things where you can't really get that close to him but you could see him. He's like 500 feet away. You're like, there's green boots.
I'm assuming he was doing something you're not supposed to be. I assume he was a bad guy. Yeah, he was a terrible person. He's a pirate who took the gold away from his crew. Tax evader. Yeah. Yeah, he got cursed. Did something really bad like tax evasion. The one guy who died.
That's really bad to do. I think you should die if you do it.
That's right. I'm not afraid to say that. That's a crack fact. Thank you for subscribing to Cracked. Even if it ruins your life, you should pay all of your taxes. That's right. That's to fund our wars.
What's the question? What question are we on?
That's for our wars. The wars can't raise money for themselves.
Yes. They need you to work for it. They need the stuff from your podcast that you couldn't write off. You need to freeze to death. Probably a third of what you're making from the podcast. Yeah, it's like a lot. But you can write off a lot too. So there's a lot of different ways to get around it. That's true. Yeah. It's a crazy game. You gotta do those write offs.
Anyway, on a mountain there are no rules. Sure, you asked me. This guy says you could, but it's not advisable. Usually most mountains have peaks, not plateaus.
Yeah, thanks. Oh, baby. Thanks, Wario. Oh, I knew what one I was looking for.
He's a technical advisor for a hair products distributor. He's being kind of a dick about it. He's like, you ever see a mountain?
It's pointy, it's not flat. It's only pointy because it's at a distance.
Yeah, fuck you. Right, once you get in there, there's flat parts. Well, you don't know about mountains. I could make a mountain out of your ignorance. You got fucking got, dumb ass. Oh, no. Will you play that one again?
Even Mario's clowning on your ass. Yeah, I got Mario on the podcast. Mario says, faux out of here, dog. You say faux out of here. You suck.
Look at these shoes. What are these shoes?
Mario loves memes. Hey, we all do. He's just getting into them now. He's like, yep.
I put all my money in Dogecoin. No, Mario. To the moon. Mario, why? I'm in my rocket ship, I go to the moon.
Oh, poor guy. Oh, man. Hopefully he's got savings.
Yeah, he's married to a princess. His parents have money. Well, it's his wife's parents, and she owns a castle.
She does be cheating. It's not specific lore in Mario, but you do assume that Peach is always getting taken away kind of like, because she's, I assume she deserves it. She's getting taken away. I think she deserves it.
And she doesn't ask, maybe. What's going on? Maybe they have an arrangement. She's like, don't ask.
When I get whisked away by whoever. Just come get me from the lava pit. This happened to Alex recently. I don't trust women anymore. Alex's wife is hanging out with a big wizard.
So what do you do over here? Why are you always near the Oracle? Yeah. What are you guys doing?
Alex had to jump on an ax to destroy a bridge.
I'm having a fun time imagining Bowser just hanging out with a girl like, what kind of movies do you like? I just need stuff to do. Yeah, board's so funny. Have you ever seen In the Mood for Love? I have. With Bowser points. Yeah, Bowser loves Hong Kong cinema. I'm kind of a classics guy.
That's the kind of stuff he says. Okay, let's do our political segment, the quiz course. Yes, finally. Slam that button. I don't remember where the button is. I think it's from the top. Oh no, you got it. He's so good. I put the sounds on the board and I sometimes remember where they are.
They're not labeled either. No, and they change colors.
Anyway, it's a political. We're a very political podcast. We do politics on the show.
So get ready.
There are no sacred cows on our mountain.
This question is, do the Irish and Ireland know that us Irish in America don't care what you think of us and we're going to continue to consider ourselves full Irish regardless of what you think? Why don't y'all just get over it? The why don't y'all get over it in Irish parenthesis is my favorite part of the whole thing. This was written by Joe Biden. Why didn't you just change the categorization of Irish people not white anymore? You're a bunch of mix Mac.
I'll say, I can use the word. I'm over it. He's like, get away from me. Grink. He can say it. Yeah, I got the G pass. Obama gave it to me.
We've been doing Joe Biden every episode. It gets worse every time. It's not even kind of Joe Biden anymore.
The last one comes out later. So it'll get better. That's true. Yeah, stay tuned.
Whoa. Come on, man. I'm Irish. I'm the damn president. Why do the Irish think we're not real? I'm dabbing on these hoes. Someone recently said that our podcast is just us saying modern slang and weird voices.
That's correct. Alex loves it. That is 100% the show. For real.
Who is king? Who is God?
There's no cap. Who is a raised up baby grom? She dressed him up and raised him. He's going to LSU.
I love how quickly this minute of recording will be like incomprehensible history. Yeah, not exactly a clip. Did you see that kind of popular video from 14 months ago? You're not going to get this 10 minutes.
Just trust that it makes sense. Just trust it's a flawless Joe Biden impression. Anyone who cares or doesn't care is God.
I don't think the Irish do know this. That the Americans are, the Irish in America don't care what you think of us. Yeah, I think they're in blissful ignorance. Irish in Ireland. Sorry, yeah, the Irish in Ireland don't, the Irish, fuck me dude. It's not complicated. This guy's speaking as an Irish guy in America and he doesn't give a fuck about Irish people now.
Why not? Why don't y'all just get over it?
Yeah, that's true. Irishly. The Irish people in Ireland are so much cooler than the Irish people in America. It's true, it really is true.
What's their secret? There's like 200 of them. And there's five million of us. And that's why we stay winning and why don't y'all just get over it.
Are you Irish, Alex? Yes. I don't know what you are. We talk about me going to Catholic school every day. I figured you were like Spanish. Yeah, no one quite knows my exotic background. Sometimes Irish people can look really Spanish.
They really can. That's my fucked up grandpa dick. That's how I said it before. You're not supposed to say this anymore. I saw an article recently that was just like, I don't know if it was in the news or what, but it was just like Italians and Jews are basically the same thing. And I read it and I was like, that's right. Totally. Respect. You can extend that logic and keep going to South America, Asia. Why don't y'all just get over it? That's so true. If you're not from America, get over it.
There's too many types of stuff. We got all this stuff.
The top comment is from an Irish man named Keith who is not happy about this. He's not over it. This is the first time they've been mad about stuff like this. Get over it, laugh emoji.
It's you lot that bring it up. Hit it with the you lot. Oh shit. A little Irish. Over here, it's a breakfast. You're actually Irish. You would know that and would have worded the question differently. Call yourself whatever you want.
No one here gives a shite. But if you say something like this in Ireland, you'll be laughed at. Bro, you don't even know about brekkie.
Blood sausage, bro? Pudding? Oh, it's not blood sausage, right? Blood pudding? Yeah, blood sausage I think is Scottish?
I don't know. I'm so out of my depth right now.
Get over it. People are pissed. This guy, Colm Ryan says, you're asking me, an Irishman in Ireland and then you say you don't care?
Cuddle, you do care, you poor pudding. They're there. You poor pudding.
See, these are very Irish responses. They are, I like them. It's uniting the people. And they're gaining points with every weird response. Catholics and Protestants, they're uniting Belfast over this forum. I like this one a lot.
This guy says, do the Americans in America know that no one outside of America cares what you think? Call yourself fucking Martians for all anyone cares. You're still gonna get laughed at for claiming such ridiculous things if you actually set foot in the country you claim to be from, spoiled little brats. Just say you have that ancestry and grow up.
This Grink. It's true. This Grink. Grink says what? What, some of these are so Irish. True.
How many more do you wanna do? I wanna read at least one more.
Okay, fine. There's just this last one from Gareth.
Yeah, but you're not Irish, are you? You're American and identifying as Irish.
Oh, nevermind, this gets transphobic. Nevermind. Okay, all right.
Oh my god. Who could have seen this coming? I got confused by all of the Irish terms, like bugger and bloke. Yeah, bugger. That one's Orson Scott Card, by the way.
He's the answer I got, Quora. All right, I got another one. This question is, is it cultural appropriation to eat Italian food? Yes. Yes, the answer is yes it is. We appear to have the same comment section full of Irish people, let's find out. Yeah, they all moved over to this question.
It's called breakfast. Full Irish is not Italian. This guy posted a picture of pasta. This reminds me of being trans. This guy posted a picture of pasta at his triggered butch. The Blarney Stone isn't trans.
These guys. All right, yeah, well. Well.
It's cultural appropriation to eat Italian food, you can't do that. That's right. Unless you're Italian, you don't eat pasta. Stay away.
I agree, I have nothing to add. I'm definitely not thinking of more Irish things to say. We've all moved on from that.
I think it's definitely appropriation because you have to do a bunch of appropriative kind of moves. You gotta swirl the spaghetti. If you're swirling, it's appropriative.
You're not allowed to do that. And you probably do this when you do it. You can't do that. Because that's just cooking. You can't do that. Chefs do it.
Us Jews who are basically Italian say, if you're swirling, we're hurling. Get over it. Don't do it. And I'm Jewish, which means I'm Italian.
Right, so we can say that. Right.
You grinks. If you're Jewish, hit that subscribe button. Subscribe to Cracked If You're a Jew.
Again, we get no benefit from this. Not a penny.
Everyone's mad at this question. I can't imagine why. People are like, how dare you?
I did like the big picture of pasta. We're gonna put that on the video. Yeah, it's like linguine with broccoli. It's like, that's not even Italian. It doesn't look very good. No, it doesn't. I'm gonna ensure it's fine for lunch.
I think you can appropriate it if you do it badly. Yeah. Yeah, then you're fucking it up. And then you're denigrating the culture. See, it's a smart show. You learn things on here. That's right.
And we're doing a recipe after this, right? Yeah, that's what we're gonna do. And we're gonna move over to the kitchen. Our first recipe. We're going to the Cracked Kitchen to make some cracked dinner. We've never put...
Boil some weed. Drink it. Hell yeah. We've got a great recipe for you this week. It's boiling of weed and milk. There is no third item. Weed and milk. You're gonna need milk.
I guess fire. You need fire. Sure. Microwave it. Nice hot plate. Yeah, you don't need fire.
Try to go full nasty with it. Oh man, that's really gross. You nasty for this one, JR. Nasty for that. What, are you gonna be JR?
Okay, here's our last question. This is on America's Gun Club where you can talk about guns or anything. What would a gun owner do if I follow him into a public washroom and tell him that he's going to get a bit hurt for not giving up his gun?
You're about to get a bit hurt for that. Big fan of the phrasing on this one. Yeah, well the top answer is a picture of Archer. Yes. And it says do you want to get shot because that's how you get shot. You can tell they Googled like archermememaker.com. Hell yeah. Give me one right now.
I run that website. Every time I make a meme I get money. Jeremy gets a lot of cash for that. That's my job. 500 per meme. Yeah. I'm eating well off this shit. I'm very wealthy off of archermemes.com. I make kriegermemes.com.
No one likes those. It's failing. We're seeking an audience still. I think if they did anything more than a small response it would kind of be over a compensation because you're just going to get a bit hurt. I imagine they're going to pinch you or something. Sure. Yeah, they're not going to shoot you.
By giving up his gun, what does he mean by that? Give it up. Like to the state or like give it to me? Give it up. Give it up for the gun. Give it up for guns real quick.
That was the applause. Oh, you're doing so well. Yeah, let's give it up for guns. Put your gun on stage and everyone laughs at you. That'd be a good bet. Also second time I've thought it was collapse but it was laughter and they're not the same thing. It's a damn shame. Comedians would do well. Oh yes. Remember that. When I was in college and doing stand up there was a comic who would bring a gun out as a fake gun as his closer. Yeah.
Pointed at the audience and no one ever laughed at it. Everyone always gasped. I used to encourage my friends to do that and people got mad at him.
His name was Mr. Swag Comic and that's real. That his bit was about how there's nothing. Oh, Mr. Swag Comic? Yes, follow him dude if you still around. Please, Mr. Swag Comic is my father. Mr. Swag Comic Jr. I always pull out the gun.
His big closure was that he would talk about how there's nothing more expensive than pussy and then he would try to rob the audience. There's nothing more expensive than pussy. And then that wouldn't work and the gun would come out. And he would try to steal everyone's pussy from the audience.
Oh. I don't get that. I don't know. I don't think so.
It sounds better with time. There's no Mrs. Swag Comic. Right, not yet. And ladies, he's single. Yeah. Check out Mr. Swag Comic.
Check out Binghamton Comedy. Check out New York. Did you go to Binghamton? Yeah. Wow. Did you go to school? Well, I went to high school in New York so a lot of my friends went to Binghamton. But I went to Boston. Not to brag.
Yeah, I mean, Binghamton is just Long Island. The school. Oh yeah, Long Island, the school. Do you think Binghamton's Long Island?
Write in in the comments. It's not Adelphi. All right, well, I don't know.
You're gonna get some angry ass dudes. I feel like we kinda upset a lot of people today. We started with 9-11. Which was on us.
And then I said an Irish slur at one point. Did you? Yeah, I did. I slipped it in there. I was being Joe Biden at the time. So remember that. So he has the pass.
I'm a Grink. All right, I can't do it anymore. I'm a Grink.
All the answers are just like, I'd kill you if my God. Yeah, I'd fucking kill you. All these questions are just like, would you shoot me? The answer's like, yes, I'll shoot you. You're in Tennessee? Yeah, would you shoot me if you met me?
It's my favorite thing. It's all I want to do.
You got a lot of good Boomer memes in this. There's a picture of a cow in there? What the hell? Yeah, and a guy's swimsuit.
That's a horse, actually. Crazy! That's a horse. It looks like a cow. I saw it wrong, it was a horse.
And I'm sorry. Don't ever make that mistake again. Do you have a cow sound? We used to, but we got rid of it. It was on a crazy delay, honestly. And people were kinda mad that we got rid of it, actually. Yeah, they were, I try not to talk about it. I'm sorry I brought that up. I'm sorry. Kind of a sore subject over here.
Are we gonna write the question? Yeah, let's write a question. Do we have a question?
What's a slur for white people? No, we can't start next episode. No. Back to horses. Okay, what's a slur for a horse? No, we didn't get rid of the part that was the problem. We can't. We simply cannot start another episode with such a bad one.
Horse, come on. What did we talk about this episode? We talked about horses, we talked about Irish people. Cultural appropriation, the Irish, climbing mountains, minotaurs, werewolves, drinking and boiling weed, punching someone in the face with a lighter. Has a horse ever climbed a mountain?
That's pretty good. What if I sat on a lighter, would it explode? Yeah. If I sat on a lighter, would it explode, is our question. That's a good one.
Thank you for saying that, Jeremy. In the meantime, Carly, thank you for coming on the show. You gotta tell our listeners where they can find you, what you're up to, what's going on. Oh, absolutely. Well, so you can definitely follow me on Twitter. My name is Carly Marulli, you can find me like that. And you can find me on Instagram.
When does this come out? Two weeks. So, in two weeks, I will have had a show happen.
Oh, nice! So, thanks for having come to that. Thanks for coming to Carly's show.
She had so much fun. I had a great time. I killed. That was awesome.
Hit the button. Oh, the laugh button? Okay, I got the button. Cow. I got the button.
That's what it was like. This is the recording from that big show. Yeah, that's how it went.
They actually laughed even longer. I cut it short. They were laughing the whole time. The LPMs were off the walls. They were breaking down.
Check out New York comedy while you're here. That's right. Walk into any bar and wait for a show to start. That's really how it is.
Play the waiting game. But you won't have to play the waiting game if it's Thursday and you want more of our show because we have bonus episodes on Patreon.com slash Quarators where we read other websites like Reddit, TikTok, Facebook if we're really working hard at it. Facebook Marketplace. You gotta send us good Facebooks. It's not super easy to get those.
Yeah, and that's it for us. So, you'll see those next Monday. We got bonuses on Thursday. That's the show and that's a wrap. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | orchestra_snl | No, stop, Stop. how are we going to perform Beethoven's 9th Symphony without her flautist? excuse me, somebody looking for a flutist? it's flautist, But yes, who are you? The name's T. Onibanks, and I manage the greatest foodest of all time. lips and lungs sent straight from God herself, the incomparable. pivany gags! Um, I'm not a judge, I'm a conductor, and this is the Devry Institute Symphony Orchestra.
So she wants first chair, I must hear her play. you ain't said nothing but a word. man, show that man what you got. Wow, look at that breath control. Yeah, and everything else too. So she got the part? Well, she's clearly talented, but I just don't think she's quite our style. uh, I don't know, sir. we're in quite a bind. the show is in three hours. don't be racist. Well, when you put it that way, I suppose we can allow a quick audition, so take your seat. I'm so excited, you won't regret it, Mr. Caduxo.
Okay, very well, let's take it from the top of Ode to Joy. please, let's stop. Hey, why are you stopping, Jackie? we're just hitting the groove. Oh, I don't know, maybe because she was twerking on our bassoonist. This is a traditional symphony, you know, one where you sit down and play. Oh, so you want me to sit down on the twerk. got it. once that.
I mean, I wouldn't say nobody. Look, Miss Beverly. yes, I think we've heard her last name enough.
Okay, can you please try to do this sitting down? I can't do that. Yeah, that's a tall order, Jack. is that a tall order? Just sit down and play a solo. if you say so. Okay, no, please. Okay, stop.
What was that? you were playing so well before. Well, sir, the truth is. thank you, girl. the truth is, the only way I could play the flute is if I'm twerking. You see, two years ago, I couldn't play any instruments. Then, one day last summer, the ice cream truck pulled up and I heard that jingle. that beat had my body moving in ways that made me feel powerful. like I could do anything. even play the flute. And the rest is history. Well, I'm sorry, but this is our final performance of the season. and it will be too distracting if one of us is twerking. then what if we all are twerking? are the Devry Institute Orchestra. we make music together. And if that means I gotta pop this booty for Beethoven, then so be it. |
SaturdayNightLive | north_pole_news_killer_whale_attack_snl | This is a North Pole News Network special report. Good evening and Merry Christmas.
A chaotic scene downtown this morning as a pod of killer whales apparently broke through the ice under Peppermint Plaza. Npn's Kirby Giggle Mittens is live at the scene. Kirby? thank you, Poppy. here's what we know for sure. according to eyewitnesses, the killer whales broke through the ice behind me and began eating elves. Kirby, do we have any word on any casualties? Well, no official word from Santa yet, However, we. they're all dead. the whales ate them all.
Oh, I'm sorry. Miss, did you see the attack? see it? I was in it. it was a feeding frenzy. goddamn killer whales crashed up through the ice and started scarfing us down like goddamn nougas from a Whitman sampler. it was a carnage. Oh, god, I'm not about to. no. she's going to vomit. no, a pan down. we don't want to see that. Oh, no. oh, no. that's unfortunate.
Okay. you can come back up. Are you okay? okay. we'll let you recover. glad you're okay. and your name? Picklebert Mccuddlepuff. but you can call me the one who lived. Okay. well, thank you to that very shaken, very Scottish woman. A harrowing scene here, as you can see. now, the holiday community has taken to social media to offer sympathies on Instagram, the Easter Bunny posting, no Words, hashtag pray for The Pole, while on X, formerly Twitter, famous anti-christmas troll, The Grinch tauntingly posting, waiting for the death toll light, and a gift of Michael Jackson eating popcorn. shameful, shameful, but expected behavior. where's Santa, I say? he knew the ice was thin and he did nothing. And the whales will be back. I mark my words. they won't stop until they eat every last bastard in the pool. Okay. okay. all right. all right. Now, tensions are understandably very high up. Oh, I see poofy Silly Bottom. the Santa's Workshop press secretary about to make a statement. let's listen in. good morning. her emergency protocol, Santa and Mrs. Claus, have been moved to a secure, adorable facility. But what left you to be eaten by wee? someone, please. Thank you.
Santa will address the pole in a televised statement this evening. I do, however, have a statement from Rudolph. shaking As I write this, today, my nose has gone from a red glow to a dim orange. I offer prayers, love, and light to all the families affected. North Pole Strong, Rudolph. Wow. powerful, powerful words.
I'm going whale hunting. Santa's not gonna do a damn thing. so we gotta save ourselves. And once I'm done with the orcas, I'm coming for this biggest whale of all, Chris Kringle.
Oh, no. the ground below us seems to be shaking. Oh, they're back for seconds. um, I'm not exactly. |
cracked | movie_character_jobs_make_no_freaking_sense_yboc_avatar_fast_furious | Hey there, uh, uh, uh, results are here and, um, I'm a doctor and my name is, my name is Jordan Breeding and if it was backwards, my name would be Nad Raj, which you wouldn't expect that. So, uh, um, if my boss comes by, can you just say I was awake when you got here? Anyway, uh, welcome to another episode of Your Brain Uncracked, the show where I diagnose movie problems and explain to my mom and my boss how that technically counts as a job. And it's the only show on crack that has not called my references, so today I diagnose.
Movies are full of people who suck at their jobs. Journalists work drunk, cops fail to catch any criminal more dangerous than a six-year-old shoplifting snickers, and doctors abuse their patients. Sometimes I've heard, and I think that's a, if it's against the head of chromatic oath for sure, but at least those jobs should exist. There are some movies out there that invent entire careers that don't make any freaking sense whatsoever.
The primary villain in Jurassic World is in-gen security chief Vic Hoskins, and we know he's evil because he wants Velociraptor trainer Owen Grady to turn his cute little reptiles into beasts of war. And we also know he's the villain because he's played by Vincent Donifrio, who probably isn't evil in real life, but he's kinda too convincing sometimes.
Grady opposes Hoskins because he wasn't training his girl Blue to, like, kill and man anyone mad. I mean, other than the several dozen people and at least one dinosaur. But no, that was just, that was just them doing the normal Velociraptor thing. That's not what Grady's actually training them for. Although this does beg the question, what the hell is he training them for?
Emotional support? Dance competitions? Dance off, bro! Me and you!
I mean, it's cool that Grady's pet dinosaur seem as the alpha, but it's hard to discern any practical benefit to hiring a full-time employee who trains rafters to basically do nothing except not kill Grady. They would kill anyone else, but they won't kill Grady.
That's it. I mean, he doesn't even claim any real control over the rafters explaining, it's a relationship! Space on mutual respect, bruh! And I imprint on them when they're born. So, I guess actually maybe he's a support human for the rafters? Like, in case they get sad about how few children they're eating?
Look, Enjin grows these monsters in a lab and the company's gotten so good at it they built an Indominus Rex, a dinosaur that never existed before. They've got complete control over these beast's genetic makeup, yet they still somehow allow them to be vicious killers. It almost seems like Grady's whole job contradicts whatever the scientists are going for. I mean, if they wanted chill dinosaurs, they could have just bred a bunch of scaly Pomeranians and called it a day.
Do you wanted this to happen, you son of a bitch? Jesus!
Hogwarts is a big castle, and it's important that somebody cleans up every time a child dies or blows our arm off with magic, but returns to school in five days so the media doesn't win. Ah, yes, well, that can sometimes happen. In the past, a wizard has always done the job, but at the time the boy who lived shows up, Argus Filch holds the position. Now, Filch is a squib, meaning he was born to magic wielding parents, but he himself is unable to perform any magic. Oh dear, we are in trouble. Which is weird, because most first-year students could probably take over Filch's responsibilities just in between classes. Someone spills some dragon semen on the floor during potions. Filch has to come in with some sawdust and a broom and scrape it all up, but Hermione could just pop off a quick tertio spell and siphon it up. Are you sure that's a real spell? And all that's before you even get into the army of sort of slave creatures Hogwarts employs to cook and clean and steal rich people's socks. Dobby is free. But Filch has other duties, right?
I mean, he's also in charge of making sure the kids aren't out of their dorms at night. I mean, if he isn't patrolling the halls, they might wander into a dangerous room and there's a creature there and it's taking a s**t.
I was just sitting in the u-bend thinking about death.
But since Filch sucks at magic, the wizard kids all have all sorts of ways to get around him. I mean, some make magical maps that give the location of anyone in the castle at any time, others have invisibility cloaks, and others make potions that transform them into somebody with a later bedtime. I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist. And that's assuming nobody just blasts Filch with whatever spell they learned that day in Defense Against Authority Figures class. Now, the popular theories that Dumbledore felt sorry for Filch, so he gave him a job and a purpose, but what a frustrating job to give somebody who basically is a disability.
That's the real-world equivalent of making a handicapped person the janitor of an entire shopping mall, but they're only allowed to clean the floors with an angry cat dipped in Ajax. You've murdered my cat.
Okay, say you're a white American going to visit China for the first time. You want to make a good impression with the locals, so you decide to study up on their customs and culture.
But instead of practicing holding chopsticks or learning which Transformers movie is their favorite, you throw on a kimono and cut your hair to look like Kim Jong Un. That's essentially what the humans do in Avatar. You ain't got no skills.
For some reason, the RDA thinks the Navi would be more comfortable talking to a brain-jacked Navi surrogate than just a regular human. So instead of putting on a gas mask and going out there and saying, they send what appears to be the reanimated Frankenstein corpse of Navi warriors. The Navi are not fooled for a second.
Well, who'd you expect, numbnuts? They immediately know this is a creepy robot man whom they should not trust. What's your name? The expedition's head guy berates his employees for failing to achieve this weirdly specific purpose of the Avatar program. And he tells them, you're supposed to be winning the hearts and minds of the natives. Isn't that the whole point of your little puppet show?
If you walk like them, you talk like them, they'll trust you. What the hell have you people been smoking out there? And to be fair, I mean, if it weren't for the Wayans brothers. I won't die. I should ask me to.
But that's like if aliens from another galaxy attempted first contact by building a synthetic human-like creature with dead shark eyes and the hand-eye coordination of a monkey that got into a bottle of Xanax or something. That's a straight-up horror movie. That's invasion of the body snatchers. But the imposters are maybe twice as polite, but thrice is horny.
The seventh time Don Toretto and his team of fast drivers decide to get furious, they go up against super criminal Deckard Shaw. Now, Shaw is the brother of the dude who Dom's team exploded into a coma in the previous film, which inspires a rampage, which results in the death of fan favorite character, Han Liu.
Oh my God. He's like so my favorite.
I don't know. That's fun. What'd I look like? A zebra?
The crew obviously has to track him down and, you know, get revenge for T-boning Mr. Hamglue, but Shaw is one shifty dude. Gear shift. Nice. So they enlist the help of super hacker Ramsey, who has a program called God's Eye, and more importantly for this franchise, a great butt. The theories that God's Eye can track Shaw anywhere on the planet now, but the problem is acquiring Ramsey's butt draws the ire of a crazy mercenary group. But the constant threat of death is a small price to pay for the power to catch Shaw. The next thing you know, they try to impregnate your sister. However, there's another way they could catch Shaw, like stand still. This right here, my friend, happens to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard of in my life. Everywhere the team goes, Shaw is already there. Like Shaw crashes, how she's funeral crashes.
But before Dom grabs him and goes pitch black on his ass, Kurt Russell shows up to make a tantalizing offer. If Dom helps Kurt, Kurt will help Dom find Shaw, the dude right over there, whom Dom was like 10 seconds away from killing. Stick around. Mr. Toretto, I'm here on the recommendation of a mutual friend of ours. Kurt Russell's offer of help allows Shaw to escape. I mean, that's like offering to help someone catch their dog by throwing a bunch of firecrackers at it, then suggesting they break out the world's greatest dog catcher, the world's greatest dog catcher, but out of prison.
Just do it yourself. I got dibs on that. Later, the team travels to Abu Dhabi to retrieve the God's Eye program. I mailed it to a friend. They secure the hard drive. Drive!
But guess who the hell shows up as they're making their escape? Yeah, it's Shaw, baby! Again, they choose to escape with the tracking program instead of going after the guy they're hoping to find, who I cannot stress this enough, is right there. Shaw's been tracking them across the planet the entire movie, but the team inexplicably claims they can't find him without help. Even if Ramsay managed to get God's Eye to work, it was only ever going to show that Shaw was like hiding in the closet or waiting behind a plant in the living room.
Crap. Did I say I was going to talk about Skull Island again? It was like three episodes ago. Has anyone else even seen that movie? My mom was right. I need to stop slacking and watching movies with King Kong. Wait, you know what?
Kong is slacking. He expects me to believe that John Goodman's character is so wordy he won't be able to find Kong, the biggest creature ever.
He has to hire an expert tracker named Loki, Prince of Asgard, Odin, Sun Rifle, Air of Jotunheim, and God of Mischief? No. I mean, come on, Loki immediately asks, who or what am I tracking?
The answer, as we all know, is an absolutely friggin' massive a** monkey on a tiny remote island. Goodman doesn't know they're tracking a huge monkey, but he knows it'll be big. After detailing a previous encounter with a massive monster, Goodman's character explains that he's dedicated his entire life to finding massive monsters.
If you're not already an expert in this highly niche occupation after 30 years, pretty sure nobody's going to be. Now there's a man worth talking to. And even still, Goodman shows that he knows what he's doing, because as soon as they arrive on the island, he bombs everything to help with these seismic charges and tended to flush huge creatures out of hiding. And yeah, it works.
Was Loki somebody's unemployable nephew? I mean, why did they even hire this guy? They have a full military escort, including helicopters, explosives, Samuel freaking Jackson. It's time to show Kong that man is king. And Jackson's crew of Vietnam vets is probably as good, if not way better at traversing jungle terrain than some animal trapper. Plus, they brought machine guns, so it's difficult to see what bonus skills they're getting out of Loki or how they can justify the insane amount of money they need to acquire services.
I want five times that. Anyway, Connie's just so big, guys.
He's the John Goodman of apes. You can't miss him. Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element.
No, I've got a checklist in here somewhere. Yeah, yeah. I was supposed to talk about dinosaurs dancing and the magic of disabled custodial work and our omniscient God. You get the idea. Just join me next appointment and I'll diagnose butters. Just just says butters. So I guess just tune in for that and definitely check with Kathy on your way out for drugs for your applesauces. Yeah, I think this is an unnecessarily pluralized grocery list, so thanks for watching that video or whatever.
I don't really care because I'm a badass. I had a bad childhood. You could. That's why I'm wearing this jacket. Anyway, subscribe, hit the bell. Man, I don't care, but I do it if you want. I don't I don't follow the rules.
But before Dom grabs him and goes pitch black on his ass, Kurt Russell shows up to make a tantalizing offer. If Dom helps Kurt, Kurt will help Dom find Shaw, the dude right over there, whom Dom was like 10 seconds away from killing. Stick around. Mr. Toretto, I'm here on the recommendation of a mutual friend of ours. Kurt Russell's offer of help allow Shaw to escape. I mean, that's like offering to help someone catch their dog by throwing a bunch of firecrackers at it, then suggesting they break out the world's greatest dog catcher, the world's greatest dog catcher, but out of prison.
Just do it yourself. I got dibs on that. Later, the team travels to Abu Dhabi to retrieve the God's Eye program. I mailed it to a friend. They secure the hard drive. Drive.
But guess who the hell shows up as they're making their escape? Yeah, it's Shaw, baby. Again, they choose to escape with the tracking program instead of going after the guy they're hoping to find, who I cannot stress is enough, is right there. Shaw has been tracking them across the planet the entire movie, but the team inexplicably claims they can't find him without help. Even if Ramsay managed to get God's Eye to work, it was only ever going to show that Shaw was like hiding in the closet or waiting behind a plant in the living room.
Crap. Did I say I was going to talk about Skull Island again? It was like three episodes ago. Has anyone else even seen that movie? My mom was right. I need to stop slacking and watching movies with King Kong. Wait, you know what?
Kong is slacking. It expects me to believe that John Goodman's character is so wordy, he won't be able to find Kong, the biggest creature ever. They used to hire an expert tracker named Loki, Prince of Asgard, Odin, Sun Rifle, Air of Jotunheim, and God of Mischief. No. I mean, come on, Loki immediately asks who or what am I tracking? The answer, as we all know, is an absolutely friggin' massive a** monkey on a tiny remote island. Goodman doesn't know they're tracking a huge monkey, but he knows it'll be big. After detailing a previous encounter with a massive monster, Goodman's character explains that he's dedicated his entire life to finding massive monsters.
If you're not already an expert in this highly niche occupation after 30 years, pretty sure nobody's going to be. Now there's a man worth talking to. And even still, Goodman shows that he knows what he's doing because as soon as they arrive on the island, he bombs everything to help with these seismic charges and tended to flush huge creatures out of hiding. And yeah, it works.
Was Loki somebody's unemployable nephew? I mean, why did why did they even hire this guy?
They have a full military escort, including helicopters, explosives, Samuel freaking Jackson. It's time to show Kong that man is king. And Jackson's crew of Vietnam vets is probably as good, if not way better at traversing jungle terrain than some animal trapper. Plus, they brought machine guns.
So it's difficult to see what bonus skills they're getting out of Loki or how they can justify the insane amount of money they need to acquire services. I want five times that. Anyway, it's just so big, guys.
He's the John Goodman of apes. You can't miss him. Forget it, Donnie. You're out of your element.
No, I've got a checklist in here somewhere. Yeah, yeah. I was supposed to talk about dinosaurs, dinosaurs dancing and the magic of disabled custodial work and our omniscient God. You get the idea. Just join me next appointment when I'll diagnose butters. Just, just says butters. So I guess just tune in for that and definitely check with Kathy on your way out for drugs for your applesauces. Yeah, I think this is an unnecessarily pluralized grocery list. So thanks for watching that video or whatever.
I don't really care because I'm a bad ass. I had a bad childhood. You could, that's why I'm wearing this jacket. Anyway, subscribe, hit the bell. I mean, I don't care, but I you know, do it if you want. I don't, I don't follow the rules. |
cracked | hank_williams_jr_s_second_chance | Let me just say, Hank, I'm so pleased that ESPN gave you the job back. I mean, it would be a shame to lose a national legend like yourself, so... Well, thank you, Jimmy. That means a lot. Thank you. You're a hero, buddy. You certainly are. Great having you back.
Just let's keep the Obama-Hitler. Really, any sort of controversial talk to them, okay?
We'll do, gentlemen. We'll do. All right. Hey, let's go for a take. Sam, you good? Yeah. We're rolling. Yes! This is what I've been telling each and every one of you about!
That was Monday night, and it's time for a brawl. The players getting ready for the coach's call. The Steelers de-gullin' make the Niners pray That they didn't play us every, which, fully, the gays have come on! That was Monday night, and that...
Hank, what happened there? What happened? I gave you an ass full of America. That's what happened.
I was feeling it. Let's keep it rolling. Hank, love the energy. Big. I love it.
No gay bashing, though, okay? Honestly, fellas, I was just trying to emphasize how hard the Pittsburgh defense is going to play against the San Francisco pass-all fence. But if you wanted to tone it back just a bit, yeah, why don't we move on?
Do you have anything on the Pats Chiefs matchup? Man, I've been ready to roll out some of these sweet Daddy Chiefs Pats lines for the past six months. Now I've got one thing to say. Roll it! Round two, baby. Let's go! That was Monday again, so invite all your friends Because the football in America, the fun never ends The Chiefs and the Pats are about to get crackin' Get ready for football, the Holocaust never happened, come on!
Can you cut that from the... Technical issue? No, no, very much a lyrical issue.
There cannot be anything anti-Semitic in the opening to Monday Night Football. Love you, bud. Top brass isn't going to go for it, though. Oh, and I'm just loosening it up, boys. I said let's keep it rolling. Okay, all right. Sam.
Well, the Dolphins are defending with their ball-three plans Even though their black players are the bits of a man Now come on with the spiral, on with the pickskin ever... Oh, my God, yeah. Brady is back! Throwing hard from the pocket.
Obama is the Antichrist.
That didn't even run. Obviously, cut. Hank, I think it'd be best if we just call it a night here. Well, I'm sorry if my jacket was too loud and distracting for you guys. Was not the jacket. Uh, Jim, we have to move on, actually.
Faith Hill has the space in five minutes for Sunday Night Football. I'm going to be on my way. Thank you guys for the opportunity. Two, three, four. Are you ready for some football?
You motherf****** fans! I don't give a s*** what you do in your spare time. Just don't do it around me. Obama!
I have no idea. I don't know.
Oh, hey, Faith. Um, yeah, we're all set here. Hey, sorry.
Could we just get started right away? I have an idea, and I just want to try it out. Okay, if you can roll. You want to roll in this? Yeah, go for it.
Cut in print. We got it.
She looks gorgeous. She is beautiful looking. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_60_james_reyne | We've got a special guest today, he's actually going to be doing a lot more kilometers around the country. He's made the big trip out to the Diamantina Shire but this is just the beginning I guess.
Thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me. Nice to be here, all this way out here. Yeah, you came out here well it's getting cool actually. Yeah, I noticed that as I was on the way.
It's a very special time to be out here because we've just had a bunch of rain and it's a region that's not really known for its rain up here in the Simpson Desert. Most of the water now is making its way down to Lake Eyre and Lake Eyre is coming back to life. That's good. So you'll have to pop down there after you're done up here. It's a bit of fishing.
Yeah, well the Lake Eyre Yacht Club is really seasonal. Lake Eyre Yacht Club.
Very seasonal.
Yeah. Now what's been happening mate, you're about to go on tour. Well we're sort of on tour, we're always on tour somewhere but we've been doing regional stuff, acoustic duo stuff and that's got another three weeks and then we've been doing some shows down in Melbourne with the band and we're going to North Queensland with the band. We're doing the Enmore in Sydney on July the 12th with the band. So yeah, we're just doing stuff all the time. So you're about to hit the capitals and I guess this could keep going.
This is the Endless Summer Tour. That's right. Well we named it the Endless Summer Tour a while ago and it's still going. Is this named after the Incredible Surfing documentary? Well obviously that was one of the things because I think it started with that because I always like to, when in doubt, go back to think surf cowboy and go back to things you know, those sort of pictures, the Endless Summer pictures, those posters, those old surfing posters, for me have always been a good you know, kind of place to, a good blueprint in terms of just a look. So I know that this is going to be an endless tour. I'm just kind of wondering if it's going to be endless like in the Bob Dylan kind of way where he's been on tour hasn't he since like 1988?
Yeah. Well we do have breaks. Yeah. We had two weeks like the other, you know, a few weeks ago. But no, we sort of, we essentially know what we're doing.
I think most of August, I'm going to do a recording in August. August, summer, September.
But besides that, we pretty much know what we're doing until the end of 2021. 2020 rather. And we're talking about stuff we might do in 2021. So we know what we're doing at the end of next year.
That's some good job security you've got there, which is rare I guess. As much as you can in this sort of business, you know, because you're the one punting it. All you've got to do is hope people turn up. Now, this is one thing I've always wanted to ask you.
As Queenslanders, we kind of associate the Australian beach surf culture with Queensland. Yeah. And pretty much anywhere that they play rugby league. Yeah. Where you'd imagine there are surfers. Coast. You know, it's kind of, it's eastern seaboard and fairly north. Probably Bega is the last beach that I would imagine people surf at. Yeah. But your whole kind of upbringing with surfing in the cold country. Well, yeah. And I wasn't necessarily a surfer. I was in a band with some surfers and they would do a lot of their surfing going north. All right. They would go north to do it. And you're right.
But it starts probably Bega, Tathra, round there, which is very southern, right on the border of Victoria. But there is surf on the Mornington Peninsula where we live, where I still live. I mean, I've moved away, but I moved back.
There is a surf culture down there and they're at the peninsula. So one side is Port Phillip Bay, which is flat. And then the other side is Western Port Bay, which has surf. It's fairly volatile, but it has surf. And then, of course, you've got the other, what they, in Victoria, they call the surf coast, which is down the lawn, which is sort of west of Melbourne. So there's definitely surf down there.
So you did, growing up, you did have kind of the panel vans and the... Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.
Panel vans are considered, when I was my age, back in the early 70s, panel vans weren't cool. Combis were sort of cool or just a kind of messed up car with a board in the back, a station wagon, but the panel vans weren't cool.
Well, it definitely struck a chord, resonated right around the country. But you're not actually one of Australia's greatest pub rock singers. You're also one of Nigeria's greatest, which is something we've kind of discovered in our... You and Hugo Weaving, there's a few others, born in Nigeria and now high-profile Australians.
What was the story there? Were you an army brat? Kind of, yeah. So what happened, and I think Hugo's background is similar in the sense that we had...
Our father was in the Royal Marines, a British man, and he didn't want to be a career soldier. He was a captain. He was ADC to, you know, certain governors and things like that. So he didn't want to be a career soldier, so he left the service, got a job with BP. I don't know specifically Hugo's background, but he got a job with BP, was posted to the colonial outpost of Nigeria, where they had oil settlements. And his job was to go out and check on the oil settlements.
And so we were stationed, my parents were stationed in Lagos. Lagos and a suburb of Lagos called Jos. So they were moved around a bit, and both my brother and I were born there. Because they were there. So you were kind of in the first wave of African gangs to arrive in Victoria.
Correct. I guess in the... Yeah, we were. Sixties? Sixties, yeah, very early sixties. We established that movement. Yeah. Call it that. Wasn't very much an election issue back then, but it definitely is nowadays. But you know, you're living proof that all these kids need is a guitar and a bit of support from their surrounding community. Correct.
The interesting thing is it was almost in reverse our situation, because our father, who was extremely British, went out to Australia in the early sixties because he had to get out of Nigeria because of the Biafon revolution, et cetera, et cetera. So he arrived in Australia in the very early sixties, a very British man, in Australia in the early sixties, which was white Australia. So it was this little colonial outpost in this place called Mount Eliza that had a couple of dirt roads. And he railed against what Australia was then.
So we had two different vocabularies. We had a vocabulary for home and a vocabulary for school.
And that was more British at home? Very British at home.
So at home it was lavatory. Lavatory. For kids, we came with this, we had plums in our mouths, apparently. So it was lavatory at school and toilet. Lavatory at home, toilet at school, and it was, had to call it the sitting room at home.
There's a lounge. And that was a couch and school and sofa at home and cordial at school and squash at home.
So it was a lot of that. Very English. But would that, being born in Nigeria at that time, if you would ever run for politics, you'd have to go through your citizenship and all that kind of stuff. Would that have been technically British, similar to British India? Correct.
I'm a British citizen. I have a British passport. If I put citizenship on a thing, I put UK. Even though I've been here since I was four.
If you ever choose to run to parliament, you'll have to tear that up. That's true. I've got to reapply, don't I? I've got to go through the ceremony. Can I be prime minister if I'm not, I'm joking.
That's job security, though.
If you can get in the Senate, that's in six years, you can. Yeah. And retire and be on a nice little package. That's the end of the summer. That's true. It's true.
Now, a word that we always, everyone associates with Australian Crawl and James Raine, as I said before, is pub rock. I'm not sure if that was the word that was getting around while you guys were doing it.
Yeah, it wasn't. It wasn't? No.
It's been coined since then. Yeah, since. And how did that all come together and how has this since been documented in that way? Was it, it wasn't as insular as everyone makes it out to be?
The term pub rock?
Or just the scene? The scene? No, it wasn't at all. It was a big scene.
There were a lot of bands going around and there were a lot of pubs. There were a lot of places to play. In New South Wales was the RSLs, but there were a lot of pubs in New South Wales as well. But there was a huge circuit right around the country and there were many, many bands going around working six days a week, six nights a week for most of the year. And it supported it and a lot of these bands were pulling big, big crowds, a couple of thousand people a night. And you would run up and down the coast or all around the coast and into the regional areas and be pulling these crowds.
So it was very supportive. I think radio is really supportive of it. So it wasn't as insular as I think it sounds now. And it wasn't just Victoria Adelaide, which is how it's often presented as well.
No.
Sydney was huge. A lot of great bands. Queensland was huge.
You know, the difference, the thing with Queensland and the one thing you did notice then was you really crossed over the border into Queensland and you did almost sense a change. It was the years of Joe B. Ockie Peterson and that sort of world. The corrugated Iron Curtain. Correct. And it was. And you really would sense it when you got over there. There was quite a difference. You were almost pulled up over the border and the car was searched almost. It was almost like that, you know.
Yeah, no, it was an interesting time for everyone. And of course a scene in Brisbane kind of spawned out of that. There was a bit more of a punk kind of sound. You know, you kind of have to roll the dice at getting bashed and locked up each time you played a gig, which was probably a bit more, a bit more anarchist kind of attitude getting around there. But at least now, you know, they've come round to the fact that that was quite a good time for music in Queensland.
Oh yeah. And they've named a bridge after the go betweens, I guess. That's right.
And, you know, back then if you'd suggested that, you probably would have got thrown in jail. You would have had a wiretap put on you.
But the interesting thing was there really was this other subculture there because the university there spawned a lot of stuff. So the University of Brisbane, you could see a lot of, there was a great scene around that. And it was, you would, around the streets of Brisbane in this hot place, a lot of people just dressed all in black in the middle of summer.
Tropical Goths.
And there really, it was a definite, you know, conscious effort to kind of fight against the prevailing kind of political thing. Well, yeah, you know, the 4 Triple Z's still around. The radio station up there, the community station that played a lot of that music and has remained quite anarchic. Like, what's the word? Anarchist. Yes. It's remained quite anarchist. It's still got that. Whereas, you know, the community stations around the country are a bit more like Triple J. Whereas they've still kind of got their communist posters up on the wall.
Yeah. Yeah, they do. And the likes up there. Now, tell us a little bit, you obviously were, as you said, there was a lot of work, there was a lot of gigs. This was in the music industry, they call it BP and AP, which is before pokies and after pokies. Yep. The concept of having a live music gig at an RSL might shock a lot of people, particularly New South Wales now, and even in Queensland. But that was what they were doing. They were getting the kids into the RSL and they were packing it out. Yep. When did you notice that kind of start changing?
I think when it happened in Melbourne, because Melbourne didn't have the kind of legislation where you could have pokies. It was always there in New South Wales, a little less so in Queensland. I guess the rugby states, they seem to have it. And the thing you would notice, I think, from memory is the RSLs, they always had a lot of money, because the places were huge, the facilities were always much better than a lot of the pubs. A lot of the pubs, they didn't care, they put a band in there, we've got a room at the back, it'll hold 1,500 people. We've got that sort of toilet, we can make a dressing room, kind of. At least they've got a toilet. But I think when pokies came, I don't know what year it was that the legislation changed, but they had pokies in Melbourne and Adelaide and places that weren't the sort of AFL states. The venues dropped off, because they didn't need bands to pull people in there. They could put a whole lot of pokies in there, and the people are going to come in and you're going to make a lot of money from them. But you're right, there definitely was a BP and an AP.
Can you tell us a little bit about your time in Australian Crawl? When you guys kind of put together Boys Light Up, did you ever imagine that would become like a bong smokers anthem? The song?
No, because it's not about that. The song is not about smoking dope, but it got tagged with that, and it got banned, which you always wanted. If you got banned, you'd go, yeah, we got banned, cool. Because I think people thought it was about smoking dope, and it wasn't. And it wasn't at all. Yeah, I guess the surfing thing kind of worked hand in hand with that particular thing. Yeah, I think people sort of are related to that and associated with it. No, we weren't going to complain and say, oh, it's not about that.
A lot of musicians don't like telling what was going on when they wrote a song. But what was that song about? We kind of feel like it might have been about sex workers. No, it's about a blowjob. Actually, it's a song about a blowjob, or they used to call them head jobs in Australia.
Can I say that? Yeah, it's all right.
We name it as Hummer. It mentions Hummer in there.
And one of my greatest, I have to say this, one of my greatest thrills was there was a time quite a few years ago when John Howard was Prime Minister. And Pat Cash, who I knew a bit, because Pat used to come to gigs, and Pat plays guitar and likes to get up with bands and play. We knew Pat a bit. So Pat got to know him a bit, and we got inducted into, I guess, the Tennis Hall of Fame, or maybe the Melbourne Tennis Centre Hall of Fame. So they do this little ceremony on the Centre Court at the Melbourne Tennis Centre.
And he wanted to have me to go along and play Boys Light Up. And John Howard, because he was Prime Minister, he wanted to give that impression. He was a sporting guy and he supported a lot of sport. To have him sitting there with whoever his mind is, but he figured someone was going, just sing Boys Light Up and make it look good. And John Howard, so the Prime Minister of Australia singing a song about a blowjob, I think, without realising, I thought it was lovely.
And based on a song about some kids down in regional. Yeah, probably smoking too many cigarettes. I know it's an interesting ballad, but it's still very much, like each generation of 16-year-old kids underneath Grandma's house ripping billies, it continues to exist in that world. They discover it and they play it.
Well, I hope so. Let's hope so for many generations to come.
You've indirectly found a never-ending subculture there. That's right. Now, tell us a little bit about Victoria and that kind of, you're still down there on the peninsula. Yep. Which is an interesting part because not many cities have that. It's now turned into a bit of a weekender kind of area. Yeah.
What was it like as a kid? Well, it was kind of a place you went. I mean, all my surf friends used to go down there, go surfing. It was kind of, because I grew up there, I could never see it objectively, but I thought it was just kind of, most of it was full of these, a lot of funny little sort of holiday houses, like little weatherboard places that were just cheap places. A lot of people that lived in Melbourne, if they could afford it, would have a cheap holiday house down there because it was cheap. The land was cheap and no one really thought of it. Well before the days of Gore, if you've got a house with a sea view, that was a huge thing.
No one really thought of that. So I don't know.
It was the place I grew up. It was a lot of bush. I don't think you think about it as, there were a lot of orchards. There were no wineries. Now there's full of wineries, but there were a lot of orchards. I mean, we used to get summer jobs picking fruit down the orchards, but it was pretty, I mean, a beautiful land. It was a beautiful kind of environment, but you never really looked at it like that. It was just a place with these funny little holiday houses and, you know, you get summer jobs picking fruit and that was pretty much it.
I do remember when we first started, the first bands we had, you could get the, they'd have little community halls. Those are dotted around the finish of these community halls. So you could rent them really cheaply and you could run your own little gigs and you could just invite, just put it like you're having a party, just put out flyers and put the, you'd have the band play and charge $2 at the door or whatever we charged. So I remember that was quite a good part of it.
But I don't know, you never really thought about it as being anything special.
And now it's through the roof. Yeah, there was a lot of kind of just see rain drivers, AFL players, that's the kind of vibe down there. We always laugh, you know, summer started when you start to see the clean rain drivers. Yeah.
Because all our cars are just covered in dust. Yeah, and then they get, they go back home before they get dusty. Well, speaking of very clean cars, very nice, expensive cars, unpublished critics.
Yeah. Yeah, those boys from Guns N' Roses. Yeah. Right.
What do you reckon?
Well. This is a conspiracy that a lot of us like to engage in, particularly around the, you know, early days of smoking dope. You kind of say, hey, listen to this, now listen to this. I've had a good listen to both. The kids are doing that. I mean, there's something there. Yeah, a friend of mine who's much younger than me, funnily enough, I don't know if he's stymied, but he did do a, what do you call it, a mat, like a comparison, he mixed this thing together. Yeah. And when I heard it like that, I thought, crikey, that's so close. Yeah.
And I was never aware of it until a lot of people, a couple of people started pointing it out to me, and more and more people were pointing it out to me. It's, look, I don't know, it's, and people reminding me that it was very possible they could have heard the song, because in their early interviews, they'd say they were big fans of Rose Tattoo, and obviously ACDC and an Australian band, so it's not unusual that they might have heard of another Australian band called Australian Crawl and heard that song, I don't know.
The chords are exactly the same. Yeah. But, you know, there are plenty of songs with exactly the same chords. The melody, you know, it gets close. It gets close there. Yeah.
But I've, and after much pushing by other people, I have invested, especially as an American friend of mine, who's, I won't mention him, but he was a singer in a fairly well-known kind of band from Seattle, early 90s, and he now lives in LA. He's actually, he seems like a rock singer, though.
Okay, right on. A band called Candlebox. We're doing our best Pearl Jam. That's right, Eddie.
But he's, you know, but I've had a couple of, you know, I had a lawyer look at it, and there's the statute of limitations, and apparently if they read, if they repackage, or there's some lawyer, if they repackage the record that has that on, or Greatest Ditz or something, then it's considered a new record. You can kind of try it. But, you know, they've got a lot of money. They're represented by Warner Brothers. I've got the same, see, here's my beef, is that we have the same publishing company, Warner Chappell, and I think if Warner Chappell, you know, got off their asses and did something, I have a beef with them about something else anyway, but so I don't mind and hope they hear this and get back to me, because they won't get back to me otherwise. But, you know, if the publishing company were doing their job, they would be sorting it out one way or the other, you know, and they're not, but that's the way of many publishing companies, banks and filing cabinets.
You hear the yarns, and, you know, as we said, like your music kind of is discovered by new generations, new generations each year, and that yarn gets trotted out as well, and with that comes the whole, well, you know, when Barnsey and all these guys and the whole, the pub rock scene was blowing up, everyone likes to say that, oh, there were people from America flying over in the pubs watching this stuff. Oh, yeah, because there's that yarn where there's Bruce Springsteen, he wrote Born in the USA, and he was like, yeah, I heard this song called Quezon, you know, and it really inspired me. He said that? Well, that's the yarn. Wow, there you go. These are the yarns, yeah. And then in the song he's like, I had a brother at Quezon. Yeah. And the exact same model.
There's another conspiracy. You create a song critical of the government and it ends up becoming like an Australiana anthem or an Americana anthem, the exact same thing in that concept, but is there much merit to those kind of rumours that the Americans had heard about this thing you guys were doing down in Australia? Look, I don't know. You hear these things, it's possible.
I know for a fact that the guitar, one of the things that I think is true, and they admit to this because it's not really ripping anybody off, but the guitar sound that essentially if you trace it back, and I know for a fact that Lobby Lloyd invented, which was basically to cut through all these pubs in Australia, and then I think Angus Young modified it and took it on, you know, quite as he should, and so that guitar sound, I know now that there was, well, I don't know now, but there was a period in LA studios where they worked out a combination of like a Marshall this and a Marshall something else through a Boogie something else amp, and you would get that sound, and so some other modification equipment piece of thing, you would get that sound. So they purposely went out to get that Australian kind of AC, they said Lobby Lloyd, Thorpey and the Aztecs kind of sound. It was invented here just to cut through. You've got this sweaty beer barn, full of, you know, vaguely violent, pissed. People wanted to... Oh, it sounds glorious actually.
Angus and Malcolm Young too, they had a bit of a head start because they're older brothers in the Easybeats. That's right. So George and the Easybeats, and you know, that's just, and they invented that stuff because I remember seeing it at AC Edition when I was 16.
I remember seeing it down at a place near where I live called Sorrento. There was a place down there called Tomcats that used to open only in summer. I remember seeing it there with like 50, I'm sure everyone my age has got these stories, but with like 50 other people, and they were doing exactly what they do now.
It was the same kind of, it's not a formula, but the same kind of approach, and they were brilliant, but it's just that thing that grew up, whether it's an Adelaide thing, because all those kind of 10 pound poms came out of Adelaide and went there, and so we're a working class thing, and these bored kids and these creative bored kids got together and they, creative talented kids, and you know, invented this sound. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well now in Adelaide, it's the home of Aussie hip hop, you know, so all the grandkids, all the kids of the 10 pound poms are now... Emulating American hip hop. Emulating American hip hop, yeah. Have you heard any of that stuff, like are you into Aussie hip hop? Well, there's one, I've been asked, I was asked for one of these things you do to put together 10 Australian, I won't do it, it's one of the interview, I'm gonna be nice, but my daughter, I mean I've heard Swear Jar by Illy, I quite like, and there's other things that she plays, because the guys she knows, because they're 19, 20 and they play all this stuff. What's it called, am I a fan, or some of it, some of it's like everything, some of it I think is, oh that sounds pretty good, and then there's a lot of it's just rubbish, but that's like any kind of music. Yeah, and now the vowels, what vowels would you sing in? Okay, so in terms of hip hop, because I have a theory about that too, because I once did a kind of rappy sort of thing on a song, on an album I made in 1999 called Design for Living, this song called, and I was with my friend Brett Kingman who was helping me, he'd listen to quite a bit of rap at that stage because they called it rap then, and we figured the Australian accent's a pretty good accent to rap in, and if you're gonna do it, the approach to take it when you're recording is pretend you're yelling at the kids, and that's the kind of approach, and it kind of works, those broad vowels seem, depending on the words you're saying, but seem to kind of work, I know it sounds weird. And it does sound foreign, but then again it's just like any other kind of scenery, you can't say that any genre's not derivative of something that's happened in the States or England either. Of course, yeah.
And it's always the top 10% of people that invented this stuff and are genuinely talented at it, and then there's always the 90% of the pretenders that follow us. And it was also weird how Adelaide was the home of it, and they've got that really weird accent, you know, that really round.
I know. That's it.
And they rap. That's it, we've been trying to epitomize it. I know. And they rap about things like... I know what to say. And then they rap about things like... They rap, yeah.
Trampolines, Sausage Rose.
France. France and chance.
Yeah. We've moved on from Guns N' Roses, but one thing you can take solace in when you compare the two, Izzy. Your song had a substantial less amount of pedophilic content in it, so Unpublished Critics is the winner at the end there. As opposed to Sweet Child O Mine. Yeah. Look at those lyrics closely, it's kind of spooky. That's another thing of, you know, the things that you could sing about, you know, in days gone by and people wouldn't bat an eyelid. And now... Yeah, I know.
There's people like Errol Flynn. He'd have a lifespan in Hollywood now that you could measure in...
That's right. In microseconds. That's right. You would. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, that's good.
Time to change, a bit more accountability. Now, tell us what is happening on the road nowadays you see. Like, does it feel like it used to feel?
You still stumble across people that you think, oh, they're, you know, they're doing something interesting or you like what's happening there and you kind of all work together that way? Or is it more just a one man show, I guess, nowadays and you kind of... Well, I think you work in your own... Is that what you mean? Like, you're working within... Yeah, you kind of run your own race. Yeah, you've got a small circle now. Well, of people that I work with? Yeah.
Well, I have the band, my band. We've all worked together for a long time and I just... When we're playing, I mean, I'm just a singer in this great band. You know, I'm lucky enough to play with the guys I play with. They're great, great musicians. It's a killer band, you know. And we play all the songs you would expect us to play, that you would expect to come out of my mouth, you know, the crawl stuff, solo stuff, all those things. And it's just a great band.
You know, you carve your own little niche and you get on with what you feel you should be doing within the confines of the Australian music. People call it the music business, music industry. I don't know what it is, you know, the music world. The world, yeah. The music world. And it's a little marketplace and it's all about the price of fish in the marketplace, really.
So you just try and work, weave your way through, navigate your way through the sort of vicissitudes of that kind of thing. I don't pay a lot of attention to what, say, my peers are doing. I mean, you obviously hear about things that are happening, but I don't... I always had the theory too, you start looking sideways, you're in trouble, going, well, you're trying to keep up.
Yeah, for sure. I mean, when we were younger, of course, and I've always made this joke and I'm still a bit like that and I have friends who are in other bands and you can be very friendly with someone, they can be a friend of yours from another band, but you're always, you know, quietly going, you reckon, I hope that fails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's just natural, right? I guess that now has been, like, that's kind of what the crux of all these TV shows, like The Voice and, you know, Idol and stuff. They're also friendly. You know, everyone now is, you know, having to judge themselves off another person, you know, like these things are a competition. That's right. Exactly.
And there's only one winner. That's right. There's only one winner.
And I'm sure, you know, it's not a competition in a way, in terms of how we were and still are, but it is a bit of a competition. You want to do better than anybody else, obviously, you know. Not that that's why you do it, but you kind of go, really?
They do that? Damn. Yeah. And it really annoys me.
So we're not going to see you on The Voice as a judge? Unless they ask me to be a judge, not a coach. Coach. Judge.
Then you can sit there and judge and I'd last about the first lunchtime, I reckon. What are you thinking?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, it shouldn't be a horse race. Yeah.
The ironic thing about that is that it's a competition and yet everybody's so bloody nice to each other. Oh, yeah, I love him. He's a lovely guy and I wish him well.
And really, you should be wishing they don't do it.
Standing on that head like a stepping stone. Correct. And deep inside they are.
Well, social media has given artists a lot more of a platform to talk shit about each other as well. We've seen, you know, drunken slips on a comment. On a comment section or, you know, just accusations against, you know, that sounds a lot like us or that kind of, you know, you took that idea from us and that kind of stuff, which is good to see. There's still a bit of it out there, but probably a little antisocial on social media channels to be putting that out to the world. Yeah, if you're doing social media channels, find a clever way of doing it, a more creative way.
Put it in the pub after the gig. Or just be better yourself.
Yeah, yeah. Now, do you have the song? Do you have that song? We've spoken to, we interviewed Paul Kelly, and he's got a couple songs like this where there's just that one song where it doesn't matter where you're playing, there will be a punter that comes up and asks for that song, even if it's not part of the set that night. Oh, there's a couple of them, yeah. Yeah, what do you reckon is the most... I get surprised sometimes with some of the choices, but it's either Boys Light Up or Reckless or Errol. Yep. Heard that one a few times. And sometimes you do the thing, you walk on stage, and they go, Boys Light Up! Yeah. It'll happen. Yeah, yeah.
And one night a few years ago, and I thought just to play with the sort of theatre of it, I won't do it. I won't do Boys Light Up. And so we didn't do it, and we finished, and Karen and I got bailed up in the car park.
Really? These five guys, pissed obviously, and they were genuinely furious. Yeah, yeah. They were furious, and they were going to beat me up. They were really, really angry.
And fortunately, I was with Brett and my friend who plays guitar in the band.
His sister there, Tracy, was there, and she took them on, you know. She had the de-escalation skills? Yeah, she talked them down. Yeah, yeah. She had a real go at them. Yeah.
And they didn't know what to do, you know, and she pushed one of them. She pushed one of them really hard and sort of freaked him out.
And that sort of straightened him up a bit. Yeah. Well, it doesn't always end up that well. There's one example of Daryl Braithwaite, and obviously he's been plagued by the horses every spring carnival. Well, that's my joke with him, but go on.
Before he became the guest appearance, it was just a song people played at the pub. And one night he was booked, and this is a yarn, they had a mate that was there at the sock exchange in Brisbane, and they'd kind of marketed it as Daryl Braithwaite's coming to sing the horses. So they all came back from Eagle Farm, and they were all blind in the suits, tarot cash, army kind of vibe, and they were all there, and he did the same thing. And he just played all this sherbet stuff and wasn't going to play the horses, just out of principle, before he embraced this kind of narrative. It's like Daryl will give you $40,000 to sing it at the AFL Grand Final. He's since embraced it. But then out of principle, he wasn't going to do it. It was a pub gig. And there were horses.
He goes, nah, last song. Last song was How's That. They finished, and they were packing up, and a guy walked up and said, Daryl, play the horses, or I'll fucking kill you. And then he, all right, one more song.
And it doesn't surprise me. It doesn't surprise me.
That is, you're dealing with fandom. Oh yeah. And just quickly on that song, because I know Daryl, I've been mates with him for a long time, and we always have fun with the whole idea of that song.
And it's not even, I always make the joke about, on Melbourne Cup Day, he gets 83 gigs. He must make a fortune on that day.
The song's not even really about horses. It's got nothing to do with horses, really.
But you know. And do you find that you still, do you recognize fans now from towns? Like, do you know them? Or do you, you can actually identify the archetype? I can, there's a certain archetype I can identify.
There's a core. The punters and the dribblers. Yeah. There's a core that, you know, and I love them. I like, look, I've, I've, you know, I love that the ones that come, they're the ones you love. You know, the ones that pay their money to come, you've got to love them.
And sure, if they have their idiosyncrasies, well, that's what it is. It is interesting. It's got much better. But the one thing in Australia, harking back to the Australian sound and where the Americans came out here and the pub rock scene and that sort of unique institution that was the Australian pubs, still exists a bit, but nothing like it used to. And it was, you'd get through it. And when you're young, you're bulletproof and you take them on and, you know, you've got the microphone so you feel you've got the power. But there has, and there is still a bit, this weird sort of undercurrent of violence that's always there, especially if you include alcohol. But there really is this, you know. Yeah. They can't. And it's really odd. And I guess the social media thing has allowed everybody to have, you know. A lot more access. That's right.
And I always figure that people have opinions. Every single person that seems to have an opinion on social media is the sort of person that doesn't deserve an opinion and probably hasn't got the brains to have a proper opinion. And they're the ones that are putting opinions on. Yeah. And the people have got, probably have thought something through, have done some research, or read a book, God forbid, and have the right, therefore, possibly a right to maybe a vaguely informed opinion. The ones that aren't going to go, I'm not putting my opinions on this stupid social media. To be picked apart by guys with Holden Commodores as their profile picture and just to get abused by the punters.
Yeah, yeah. No, you're right. There's a channel for academic opinions and it's usually the places that people aren't reading. That's right. In books and lectures. Yeah. Or just not putting it out there on that medium. Well, yeah. There's been heaps of people who have been running for office in this election that have been unstuck by social media. That's right. I know. It's like from all these things that they've posted years ago. That's right.
It's come back to haunt. It's probably one of the worst inventions that man's ever made.
Yeah, in terms of your CV, definitely we've spoken to a lot of sports stars who said thank Christ. That wasn't around when we were former players.
And I'm sure musicians are the same. We're seeing it in the politicians. But there is now a digital footprint that you have to consider and that would be something young musicians are now considering. That's right. And you think, oh, you know. And who knows?
You may suddenly, it may go through the roof in 20 years or 30 years or whatever. You're still sitting down and people are interviewing and you're going, oh, you're back 30 years ago.
You said this. Yeah, yeah. And now you're all grown up and you realize the error of your ways. Yeah, yeah. Or you streaked. There's a video of it. Yeah. Now, you've done a few different sounds. You did a James Blundell, speaking of rogue political candidates, James Blundell, former Qatar MP candidate. That was, what was that? Was that 1992? Yep.
How did you like doing the country thing? Okay, so I've always been a big fan of what they now call probably Americana, kind of more folky country. When I was a kid at school, I used to have, I used to have a record club. I used to take Townes Van Zandt records to school.
So outlaw kind of. And Jerry Jeff Walker.
But it wasn't called that. It was just there's some music. My friends and I, we used to listen to that sort of stuff.
And now, of course, everyone has name checked Townes Van Zandt and they name check him. All the people like him.
Yeah. So I've always liked that kind of stuff. I loved Credence, which is close to, that kind of country music, as I say, what would now be, Jason Isbell, I'm a huge fan of his now. I mean, he's a great, he's a great craftsman. And that's the sort of stuff I've always liked.
Wordsmith. Wordsmith, but country, country.
I mean, a lot of people would think of, I'm not a huge fan of it, but I liked that sort of music. And that just came, that with James Blundell came about because the record company at the time, you know, liked it and they, it was their idea. And so I want to do maybe a Dingo song and do it with James. And they chose James as a good looking guy then.
Yeah. It was always on the midday show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think all the women loved James because he, you know, he was a good looking guy. He had the right channels, I can say that because I don't mind. But yeah, it was, you know, but James was funny on that when we did that and it worked, I didn't think it'd do anything and it went to number one. And then we did a sort tour and it was on that tour that he was being approached by the, I guess it was called the country party then. Yeah, right. So there were quite, nearly every gig we did, he would be backstage kind of chatting to him about that. Yeah.
Oh, that's, that's worse than an A&R, isn't it? That's worse than someone trying to, trying to poach you, to sign you.
But I think he considered it for a little while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no, you know, he made a run with, with Qatar. I did do a run with Qatar. I'd heard that he'd been approached by them. I didn't know. Yeah.
And look, he still lives out in Stanthorpe on the farm. He's got a farm and he's, he's a, he was a, he lives in Stanthorpe.
Did he? Have you heard that Jan?
Yeah, it's the coldest place in Queensland to Stanthorpe.
Yeah. Wow. Yeah. He's Australia's Griffith. Yeah. Oh is it? In that way? Okay. Really?
Yeah, they got a lot of wine.
It's the only place in Queensland where it snows occasionally.
Wow. But, Johnny Cash came out here to do a gig for the nurses as a fundraiser. Yeah. And then now got the Cash Festival, like the Elvis Parks Festival. But, yeah, he was here, they promised the town he was coming and it was almost like it was the greatest stitch up. Wow. Until he was there. Like this is when he was full blown. Yeah. Big collar hair. Yeah. June Carter kind of. Wow. Yeah.
No, no, there's a few different festivals. When are we going to get the Australian Crawl Festival and where's that going to be?
Yeah. Well, it's funny you should say that because someone did mention me, another Tom Petty, all these bands play.
There was some, probably our agent or something who put his idea, we're going to be one of those, James, but I don't know if that'll happen. But there won't be an Australian Crawl Fest? No, there won't be one. No, because the, Rainy conditions. No, because, I've heard that part of the reason why you'll never see the boys from Powder Finger up on stage again is because they own half a splendor. Right, well, so they aren't ever going to be like, all right boys, the ATO has been in touch.
I think we should do one more time around the country, you know? No, we did that. The last tour we did in Australian Crawl was pretty much for that reason. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I mean, there's a lot of bands that could do it, but obviously people go their different ways. Silverchair could do it, but I don't think- So you're talking about like a tour where you do- Oh, I was actually talking about like, yeah, I guess.
You can't say, please come along and celebrate me. Dresses me.
That's right. Please. That's right. Yeah.
No, Silverchair could do another tour, I reckon. They could do an ATO tour, but I think- Probably not at the moment.
Well, Daniel's not in that world, is he? He's certainly not. I think he's not in our world at the moment.
Right. You know, he's just hanging around. Yeah, yeah. The boys are back in Newcastle. Yeah. May... Oh, okay. Just passed. June 1st at Palms at Crown. Oh, yeah. July 6th. We've been doing that all year. Yeah. July 6th is the immediate ones. July 6th at Palms at Crown with Taxi Ride. Yes. Creeping up slowly. Yeah. There you go. And then the big one, 12th of July, middle of winter, Boom Crash Opera at the Enmore. One of the country's last great art deco theaters. Yeah. That's right.
It's a beautiful theater. We play there many times. It's a beautiful place.
Limp Bizkit broke the floors at the Enmore. Did they offstage? They told the crowd to jump and they all fell through the floorboards.
And then you're going back to back. Jesus Christ, just like the old days. So that's... Oh, you were going to Star.
Boom Crash Opera again. Boom Crash.
At the Star. And then a spot where Clancey and I did our show in Adelaide. The Gov. The Gov. Your show? What's your show? This? This was the last year of our stage show talking about the Tudor.
Oh, great. The Gov was a great venue. They've got a great green room there. Yeah. That little place outside the stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because we were mostly doing theaters and then that was the first pub gig we got to do. We really liked the Gov. So, shout out to the Gov. We were on the same night as Block Party. Adelaide's not big enough for two shows.
No, no. It's always...
And they were just across the road. The entertainment center. In fact, Mo had played there when Springsteen was across the road, too. Oh, that's a big one, too. See, what? There's as many people here tonight. Yeah. Well, yeah, I think we were originally supposed to be at the entertainment spot across the road and our agent was like, oh, you know, this is up to 3,000.
I was like, fucking hell.
Adelaide is Betoota's closest capital city, but I don't know if there are...
If there's going to be 3,000 people in there to go and watch a road show that's spectacular about a podcast. Yeah. It was a bit ambitious, that show. We went to the Gov. And then you're on... Sorry, so you just, do you do the podcast like this? Kind of. It was a bit of history of us and the newspaper and, you know, our various sort of run-ins with people, you know, people like Richard Branson and the Prime Minister and Pantsman Joyce. You know, there's lots of people.
Yeah. Sorry, yeah, the Gov, yeah. The Gov. August 3 and September 7 at Palms at Crown. Yep. That's just the first Saturday of every month we're at the Palms at Crown. Okay, okay.
For the rest of the year. So basically, it's an endless type of summer, but... That's kind of why we called it that because we're there for the whole year.
In Victoria... In Victoria.
They have to have a winter. Yeah. And they've started. And the poor bastards in Perth, they miss out again. Yeah. On winter. Well, we can't see any gigs in Perth here for the time being. Oh, alas. Yeah. No, we're going to, we're doing a show on some time in somewhere.
Regal Theatre. 21st of September. There you go. Regal Theatre. That's it. In Perth. So, it's good.
He's not too big for his boots. He's not Kendrick Lamar. He's not going to bypass Perth.
We went out to Perth too. We gave him a sympathy visit. Where'd you play in Perth?
We have a nice the Astor. Oh, the Astor's great.
That's a great theatre. Yep. That's got a nice band room underneath. Yeah, it does. There's a lot of logistics in that place, you know. Right. We made the terrific decision to go down the street and get a Brazilian barbecue before we went on stage. What is that? Yeah.
It's just endless meat. Endless meat.
Oh, it is a Huscaria. Yeah.
And it was, it was in summer in Perth. It was like 41 degrees outside.
And I was like, this is what we need just before we go. On. On is about a kilo of meat. And I was like, hello everyone. How's it all going?
That was the first show where I had a nap in the green room before we went on. So, well, you know, your experience, man, you'd be familiar with the naps in the green room.
But yeah. No. I'd certainly know not to eat too much meat before you go on. Yeah.
Well, I'll leave it three hours. It was our first tour.
I guess. When you're on stage talking, drinking beer as well we found was problematic. No, because you burp. Yeah. Burping's a bad one.
Anyway, thank you for joining us today, and we might put the word out to get a crawl festival or a crawl fest. A crawl fest. Or rainy conditions is my other idea I pitched.
That's a good one. That's good. I like that.
Because we know you got the punters. You're on the road for the endless summer.
Thank you for joining us. Yep. Thank you for having me. Thanks. Lovely. Yeah.
No, Silverchair could do another tour, I reckon. They could do an ATO tour, but I think...
Not at the moment. Well, Daniel's not in that world, is he? He's certainly not. I think he's not in our world at the moment. No.
Right. You know, he's just hanging around. Yeah, yeah. Press the boys are back in Newcastle. Yeah. But you are on tour. Yep. And you've got May... Oh, okay. Just passed. June 1st at Palms at Crown. Oh, yeah. July 6th. We've been doing that all year. Yeah. July 6th. These are the immediate ones. July 6th at Palms at Crown Taxi ride. Yes. Creeping up slowly. Yep. There you go.
And then the big one, 12th of July, middle of winter, Boom! Crash!
Opera at the Enmore. One of the country's last great Art Deco theaters.
Yeah. That's right.
It's a beautiful theater. We play there many times. It's a beautiful place.
Limp Bizkit broke the floors at the Enmore. Did they off stage? They told the crowd to jump and they all fell through the floorboards.
And then you're going back to back, Jesus Christ, in those days. Oh, you were going to Star.
Boom! Crash! Opera again. Boom! Crash!
At the Star. And then a spot where Clance United our show in Adelaide.
The Gov. The Gov. Your show? What's your show this?
We did a national tour last year on stage show talking about the Tudor. Oh, great. The Gov was a great venue. They've got a great green room there.
Yeah. That little place outside the stage. Yeah.
I absolutely like the Gov. So, shout out to the Gov. We were on the same night as Block Party. Adelaide's not big enough for two shows.
No.
It's always...
And they were just across... The road. Yeah. The entertainment center. Yeah. In fact, Mo played there when Springsteen was across the road too. Oh, that's a big one too. See, there's as many people here tonight. Yeah. Well, yeah, I think we were originally supposed to be at the entertainment spot across the road and our agent was like, this is up to 3,000.
I was like, fucking hell.
Adelaide is Betuda's closest capital city, but I don't know if there are...
If there's going to be 3,000 people in there to go and watch a road show, it's spectacular about a podcast.
Yeah. It was a bit ambitious, that show. We went to the Gov. And then you're on... Sorry, so you just... Do you do the pod like this? Kind of. It was a bit of a history of us and the newspaper and, you know, our various sort of run-ins with people, you know, like Richard Branson, the Prime Minister, and Pantsman Joyce, you know, there's lots of people. Sorry, yeah, the Gov, yep. The Gov, August 3 and September 7 at Palms at Crown? Yep. That's just the first Saturday of every month we're at the Palms at Crown. Okay, okay.
For the rest of the year. So basically, it's an endless type of summer, but... That's kind of why we're called it that because we're there for the whole year. In Victoria, they have to have a winter.
Yeah, and they've started. And the poor bastards in Perth, they miss out again. Yeah. On winter. Well, we can't see any gigs in Perth here. Oh, alas. Yeah. No, we're going to, we're doing the acoustic duo show on some time in somewhere. Regal Theatre, 21st of September. There you go, Regal Theatre, that's it. In Perth. So it's good.
He's not too big for his boots. He's not Kendrick Lamar. He's not going to bypass Perth.
We went out to Perth too. We gave him a sympathy visit. Where'd you play in Perth?
The Astor. Oh, the Astor's great.
That's a great theatre. Yep. That's got a nice band room underneath. Yeah, it does.
Very low roof. Yeah, very low roof.
Yeah, very, very good acoustics in that place, you know. Right. We made the terrific decision to go down the street and get a Brazilian barbecue before we went on stage. What is that?
It's just endless meat. Endless meat.
Oh, it is Huscaria. Yeah. And it was, it was, in summer, in Perth, it was 81 degrees outside. And I was like, this is what we need just before we go. On. On is, is about a kilo of meat. And, and I was like, hello everyone, hello Perth. How, how, how's it all going?
That was the first show where I had a nap in the green room before we went on. So, um, well, you know, you're an experienced man. You'd be familiar with the naps in the green room.
Um, but yeah. No.
I'd certainly know not to eat too much meat before you go on. I'll leave it three hours.
It was our first tour, I guess. When you're on stage talking, drinking beer as well, we found was problematic.
No, because you burp. Yeah. Burping's a bad one.
Anyway, thank you for joining us today, James. No, thank you for having me. Lovely.
We might put the word out to get a, a crawl festival or a crawl fest. A crawl fest. Or rainy conditions is my other, other idea I pitched.
That's a good one. That's good. I like that. Cause we know you got the punters. You're on the road Thank you for having me. Lovely. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_173_John_Safran | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show recording live here in the Diamond Tina Shire live from my end. Our guest obviously isn't in the studio today. We're talking to John Safran who's based in Melbourne and there's an entire infected state between us so we've got the technology to do it this way and we're actually going to be talking about the changing technology in today's interview, changing technology in general because John's just written a book which kind of explores how we've been able to evolve as a people.
Probably not for the better because we're specifically talking about tobacco. The tobacco industry's been able to evolve and stay relevant in a way that no one saw really coming.
So yeah, thank you for joining us today, John Safran. Thank you, sir.
Of course, even if I was there, you'd have to make up an elaborate back story that I wasn't there because you're already in enough trouble over all this, the Batooter Advocate's controversial lockdown. Oh, you've been across it, have you? Oh yeah, just briefly, just seeing people having a go. I'm of course loyal to you. It's good to get the blood pumping, especially when everyone's at fever pitch. We probably could have waited a couple of days before we ran that angle but we stand by it editorially.
It was not what we thought that people would respond so aggressively to us pointing out that poor governance equals civil unrest but, you know, they wanted the blood of boggans and we didn't give it to them. Yeah, it's all this thing where people are tripping over their own shoelaces because as I think you imply, either you imply it or someone standing up for you implied that, you know, as soon as the government does a crackdown on a region that's seen as, you know, ethnic minority, then the lefties will be like, oh, why are you cracking down on them? And, you know, and so the whole thing doesn't really add up. Well, yeah, I mean, it's all good to scream racism when there is a specific crackdown on a certain area but when the affected workers make their way into your, you know, otherwise whitewashed urban areas, it's a different story. It's boggans versus us. We've received a lot of vitriolic hate mail over the last 24 hours but it's, you know, it's good for the soul.
We thrive on it in Batutah and as you do too, John, you've made a career out of betraying your base. Yeah, but that's because I'm from the olden days of South Park and John Safran and, you know, the fathers of Batutah Advocate. Remember when your dad and your uncle used to do the show before they passed it on to you? It was a bit like those Muppets and Muppet Babies or whatever. Yeah, I was always saying, I was saying, Dad, you've got to see this bloke down in Melbourne.
I think he's onto something. We should appropriate Jewish culture. There just used to be a reality where, like an unspoken reality, and why is this sounding mad? Where you'd read the room of your audience and then challenge your audience, but not in like a mean way or a smart, it's just like to keep yourself alive and your brain alive. Isn't it good to kind of have things that you don't totally agree with or things you're playing with ideas or you're being ambiguous. That used to be just the total normal, but now the normal is like read the room and make sure your comedy matches the room that you've read.
This ain't it chief. We've got a lot of that over the last couple of days and we held the line. We doubled down and we tripled down again just to make sure it didn't look like we were backpedaling.
But yeah, bit of fun, you know, because it also prevents you from joining the establishment, which, you know, the narrative was immediately tribalism, us versus them. These people are so much worse than the governments that allowed this to happen.
Yeah, I kind of got the point straight away. So where I knew you weren't in favour of coughing over people, and you weren't in favour of not giving your babies vaccines, you know, for measles or whatever, I got what the idea was.
It was that, yeah, why are people being blamed when really there's I've been thinking a lot actually about the last work you wrote prior to our last chat you'd written that depends what you mean by extremist. I feel it would be not a very good comparison. You know, this anti lockdown crowd of, you know, people have been cornered into conspiracy theories and take to the streets. A few people have done that. I wouldn't say that was all the protesters. There was a lot of people that have lost their jobs. But is there a Venn diagram that, you know, kind of includes that Patriots front that you were kind of covering in your book, the Reclaim Australia movement and the Freedom movement that we're seeing now? Well, I know in America, when they had those capital riots, January, all your friends on Twitter were like straight away like, oh, these white supremacists have taken over the capital or whatever. But, you know, that was a layer to it. But there were a lot of QAnon people and QAnon people are coming from a different place. So yeah, obviously, I think it's people searching for meaning and people are on their own and spend too much time on their laptops and we don't have going to church once a week anymore or going to the mosque or the synagogue once a week anymore. And even football clubs, social clubs, that kind of thing.
And people are just looking for meaning and then it is pretty exciting when you read something new and it just like really stimulates you and you can get like overexcited and lose yourself in it. I remember a friend of mine, a writer, and she was talking about prisoners and about why do so many prisoners find Jesus when they, you know, they go to prison and then they become religious. Either they find Jesus or in the Quran, they find Allah and Muhammad or whatever. And she said to me, she goes, these people, a lot of the people who end up in prison, they've never read a book before. And that's the book that's in prison.
And then they read it and they're just so quickly overstimulated and they can't believe it. It really captures their imagination and they don't understand.
They don't put it in the context of, yeah, this is great and lots to learn or whatever. But there's other books out there that would equally give you that instant simulation. And I still get it now. I love it when I hit upon a topic. I won't bring it up, the topic I'm into at the moment because this will be this too complicated and whatever. Not too, like, it's just a pretty inflammatory thing to bring up or whatever, but I'm reading this. Okay, I'll tell you.
So basically, I just finished reading this book that was his first-hand account written at the time it was happening from a terrorist who was in a terrorist group in pre-Israel Israel on the Jewish side. He was in this little controversial little radical sect. And his comrades are being hung by the British because they're being caught for being terrorists and blowing up or whatever.
And it's just like this wild world I've never thought about that much before, or at all before. And it's just so wild reading this thing in sort of in real time. Like at the moment it was happening, this advocate for, unapologetic advocate for his brand of terrorism, standing up for his mates who were being hanged. And it's just wild and it's all biased and, you know, inaccurate and stuff like that. So I bring that up because I constantly have that experience of, which surely these people who are in QAnon and other things must have, of just reading something new and it just being so overwhelmingly like vivid and exciting that you can just kind of get lost in it. But luckily I've read other books.
I'm not going to be joining this Jewish terrorist group. If there's any colonial British out there who are worried, I'm going to go out there and lob a grenade at you.
What was the big bombing they did in London? That particular... In London?
No, the King David Hotel, I think was there. King David Hotel. Yeah, but that was in Israel.
And that's what I really, I really wish I hadn't started talking about it. Because I want to finish the book before I sound like I know what I'm talking about, because I don't know what I'm talking about. But the premise of the book is that...
A lot of Brits died in that bombing. Yep. But there wasn't like this one-off bombing because Britain controlled the area before Israel was formed and there were the Arabs and the Jews. And the British were in charge. And then you had like the more mainstream Jews and mainstream Arabs and they were just trying to do everything the appropriate kind of official way of trying to curry favour with the British. So when Britain or the League of Nations or when they decide to divide up the land, it will be favourable to their side. So there was that.
But then you had these young... Firebrands. Firebrands who were like, no, screw this on both sides.
And I guess everyone's kind of familiar with, or they would go, yeah, OK, yeah, I've heard of Arabs blowing up stuff or whatever. But on the Jewish side, there was these, yeah, there was just these, this little group who were, you know, they were like terrorists. They were and they said they were terrorists. So it's not even like controversial or anything like that. And they weren't aiming, I guess we all imagine it's like, oh, the Jews attacking the Arabs or whatever. But in this, it was like abducting British military and British police and shooting British police and blowing up British things. And they had a real anti-colonial mindset, which is a bit confusing for, I know anyone who's on Twitter in 2021 of like, hang on, what, the Zionists were against the colonisers? But it's like insane.
This is why it's so overstimulating is because you had these in this book by this terrorist at the time. He put some of the speeches that his comrades who are being hanged by the British for being terrorists. He put some of their speeches just before they got hanged in the book, like they refused to apologise.
And in it, they compare themselves with the Irish, like what are they called? Sinn Fein or Sinn Fein or whatever, and they compare themselves with that because they're saying, oh, the British are oppressing the Irish and so too the British are here oppressing us. And it's like our brothers in Sinn Fein, which is it was Sinn Fein. There's a moment in history in Sinn Fein, you know, the political party that's now almost got a majority in Ireland because they've done a very good job of campaigning on housing affordability in hipster suburbs.
I notice you're very bitter about hipsters more than anyone. Like we're talking about terrorists and everything, blah, blah, blah, blah, they go, hipsters.
No, I'm talking about the history. There's a moment in time when Sinn Fein stopped supporting the comrades you're talking about in your book that you're reading now and flip sides. Yeah.
And to this day, you know, in Belfast, they're still waving the Palestinian flags above the Catholic pubs because that's who they associate with now. As the underdogs, I guess. But yeah, once upon a time, they were so supportive of of the of the Jewish people in Israel. And, you know, you see that we see that with all struggles around the world. I guess you get the West Papuan flag in some of these communities as well.
And what's the Spanish separatists? They make those bicycles that hipsters ride. They really do. There's this famous bicycle that all the hipsters are riding in Sydney and they made Basques, the Basque separatists, the Basques are the ones who make the bicycles.
I remember when we interviewed you last time in in Melbourne, pre lockdown, and I'll use that photo to promote this podcast, actually, when we were allowed to, you know, stand next to each other. But yeah, we're just standing in a suburban street in Flemington. And we saw a man walking past just in this light industrial area who looked like Nick Cave. And I remember you saying, I really wish that that man didn't walk past, because this is what you're going to take from Melbourne is this is what a stranger looks like in his three piece suit with with a side fringe. Might have even been Nick Cave, who knows? Now, I imagine you are still keeping tabs on some of the the proud Aussie patriots that you are.
Well, not really, because as soon as I put the book out, I had to start on my new book. I sort of muted, I muted pretty much everyone just because it takes over your head. And it was a good amateur lesson in psychology for me that obviously spending a year or longer than a year kind of being really caught up with following all the minutia of all these far right groups and far left groups and Muslim groups, like just muting them. And then, like, in like three days, I stopped thinking about it all. And then I started following pro vapers and cigarette companies for my new book. And then in three days, those little soap operas were like taken over my head. And like suddenly I'm walking around the streets sort of like forgetting that I know the soap opera between that particular vape campaigner and that particular vape campaigner where they're bitching at each other like no one knows what the hell that is. But it's like a like totally kind of taken over my brain.
But what would you like to ask anyway? Well, we'll get into Puffpiece, your new book in a second, because that's obviously the new universe that you've gone down.
But I was wondering if you'd seen the pressure valve of racial kind of divisions, you know, that we saw come to light under the rise of ISIS. We saw, you know, a hark back to that kind of skinheads, Aussie pride thing. If you've seen those people devolve into hang Bill Gates kind of story. Yeah, I really think it was always that overlap. Like even when I was hanging out with these anti Muslim far right people, whilst the leaders were definitely like that, sometimes I'd talk to just some rando in the crowd. And that just was not what their impression of what the rally was about. It was more.
So I remember this one woman and I was saying, well, why are you here at this rally? Like run by and, you know, I won't say their names because I love it when you say their names. But, you know, run by the, you know, the white nationalists, the hang Hitler poster in every classroom, guys. And I said to her, I go, well, why are you at this rally?
And she goes, oh, there's a big ice problem in my area. And these guys said they'll help clear up, you know, clear up the ice problem.
And I was like, hang on, what's this got to do with Islam or black people or anything like that? And she was totally sincere. And she was talking about at the moment she's couch surfing because she had to leave her house because her partner was violent.
And, you know, so then that's like a totally different picture of than you get if it's just like a bunch of 1000 Ku Klux Klansmen. Like marching in the streets of Bendigo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not even a theory that one nation bleeds from Labor voters, as we saw in the last Queensland election. The Labor landslide, the landslide up there at Palaszczuk, it was all to the detriment of one nation candidates. They bled back.
So, you know, it's it's not hard to see that social issues when no one speaking to them kind of direct people to populism, which is always exciting. What I'm trying to figure out is I've seen a lot of people who were once popular for their populist opinions, be that about race or religion or or whatever kind of bigoted kind of theories they were throwing around. And we've seen the same with the Murdoch firebrands. You know, it's it's been very easy for them to pivot into anti mask, anti vaccine. Well, yeah, it's so amazing how people need us to raise their past.
And I guess if you're younger, you might not be aware of like how some of these like Murdoch conservatives or just in general, you know, how they just had anti populist opinions. And like, for instance, they were all pro the Iraq war. And now if you were just young and you like turned on, you know, Fox for the first time and watched Tucker Carlson and that kind of crowd, you'd think, you know, because they're always anti established, they're like anti establishment now. And they they criticize the deep state and they criticize the Pentagon. It's like it's really confusing for someone my age to like watch Tucker Carlson because he's like attacking Amazon for underpaying workers.
And it's like, what's going on? I'm confused. This is hard because and and, you know, and people will argue that he's just doing it totally for cynical reasons. And it's like, OK, well, fine. But that makes it also interesting, you know, like, why? Why is it?
Why do you have to go on Fox News to hear someone, you know, have someone in the mainstream like take on Amazon and how they treat their workers? Because for some reason, in some little mixture of interests, then you're like you're not going to get it on the the more nominally left mainstream channels like CNN and stuff.
Yeah, because I love their books arriving on time. So I don't know what I've been and I really care for what I say. Well, so that was my box of puff piece.
And we lost what we lost in the big factory. We have seen that, though.
You see, you know, Sky News After Dark, which is full of some of the the greatest minds in Australian media. Rallying against mass and lockdowns and dictatorship. And then and then obviously that reaches a boiling point, like we saw last weekend, where, you know, a lot of I mean, there's a lot of online conspiracy as well. But if you if you're taking a little bit of online conspiracy or a lot of online conspiracy in your media diet and then you turn on the television and you've got someone who you've been listening to for 40 years, like Alan Jones, kind of reaffirming that it's it's no surprise these people march. But what is the surprise is the next day when the same media company, News Corp, put on the front pages COVID idiots, you know, lockdown lunatics. It's like you guys kind of played a pretty big role in getting these people here.
Do you know what I thought strange about the whole mask thing is that Donald Trump, he set this reality that the mask is somehow an infringement on your rights. And like like he liked it. It's not like there's this precedent in history of like, I remember back 10 years ago, 30 years ago, when that whole mask thing came up and we decided that wearing the mask is left wing and not wearing the mask is right wing. Like, I just think, for instance, Donald Trump could have said the story when this all exploded, this COVID could have said, oh, you know why there's not enough masks? It's because the left and the deep state, they want your order, like catch the COVID. And and that's why they're not giving you masks. And and so he could have like set the agenda that somehow wearing a mask was right wing and for liberty.
And so he had so much power and it just but he just went the other way. And then it was like became like a partisan issue in a weird way. He didn't think like 10 steps ahead on that one.
Yeah, like he could I reckon he could have claimed masks. Yeah, he could have made masks, Republican masks, you know, this is what Thomas Jefferson would want us to do.
And there was a lot of treading water that I do remember last year him saying, I'm hoping to hoping to open up the economy by Easter, like two weeks, two weeks from lockdown. I'm thinking, I don't know. And then it turns out that a lot more ahead of them. Now, I want to read you something here just before we get into puff piece.
As someone who kind of studies extremism, have you always or is this a new thing? Have you seen this before? The this kind of thing, what we're looking at these hippies in, you know, the people that were actually on the front line of anti-vaxxer, anti-science, the very, very well off, I guess you'd say comfortable, middle class hippies that veer into this kind of medical skepticism, this anti-vaccine rhetoric. They're really crossing over with with this right wing kind of extremists that that are kind of really pumping out the numbers online with it with this, with the conspiracies. We saw it with Pete Evans when he kind of got brushed from I'm a celebrity, get me out of here because he put up a Nazi symbol, which no one really saw coming.
He posted that online, but I'm watching this woman, I won't say her name because as you said earlier, it's a similar kind of thing. This is a prominent influencer from Byron Bay. She posts this, a linen influencer, our freedom is not a joke to anyone that is handing it over blindly.
Please stop. Educate yourself. Come home to your intuition. Make up your own beliefs and opinions and do not falter. Be ready to admit that you may have made mistakes in the past. Be kind, don't judge one another.
Remember, science is a theory just like magic. Pay attention to how history often repeats itself. So yeah, I'm trying to, I wish I'd done a course in logic and logic fallacies, because sometimes people say things to me and I can almost like a quarter of my brain can kind of start unpicking what's going on there. But yeah, maybe the next book, I should stop reading books about terrorists and start reading about logic fallacies.
It's definitely like something, so one of the things she's that seems to be, she's playing on is that there's different layers to things. So maybe on one layer, it is true, you should be open minded and want freedom. Yes, that's cool, but that's not the only layer and maybe balanced up with all these other layers. Yeah, you don't arrive at.
But the hippies, the crossover of the hippies and the Nazis, that's, that's, is that a new thing? No, yes, it, yes, it sort of going in the mainstream or more in the mainstream. Yes, there was always this weird thing of, because, you know, Nazis really like purity and they, you know, Nazis were big environmentalists, kept all the soil very fertile around Auschwitz. Putting the conservation in conservative. But like, there's a whole thing around that kind of Nazism and kind of like hygiene and cleanliness. And so, yeah, but it used to, back when I was young, when I first used to be reading about the far right, that was like a, an exciting little fringe. Like you'd find some real like sincere environmentalists, but they were also Nazis or whatever.
And it was just like, my mind exploded and stuff. But now it's, yeah, it's become more normal. But even like, like Charles Manson, who wanted to cleanse the earth of this and that or whatever, he, he also spoke through the vector of environmentalism and all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, there's always been, there's always been that. But yeah, now it's kind of just rolling into our feed a lot more. Now, I'll take the opportunity now to pivot from kind of grassroots conspiracies to major corporate ones.
And I'll start by pulling out this little device in my pocket, which is a pog orange guava flavoured e-cigarette. Yeah, I'm going to take a puff. It's got some kind of arousing Asian fruit flavours, which you certainly don't get with a pouch of Champion Ruby. My vape from the shoebox in my kitchen, had I known you were going to, I've only got my Philip Morris device here that's not a vape. And that's how you start your new book, Puff Piece.
Yeah. The Philip Morris device is not a vape. Yeah. But it can be used as a vape. Well, it's not a vape as we understand what a vape would be. For one, probably the biggest reason is that what kills you in a conventional cigarette is the tar that's generated by a cigarette and a vape doesn't contain tar. So therefore, even if vapes pose other health dangers, they don't pose that one danger that cigarettes do. That we know about. Yeah, that cigarettes do, right? On the other hand, this new Philip Morris doohickey, which I have here, that it does generate tar. So therefore, I mean, that seems to be a big reason it's not a vape. OK, so it's still doing the same shit. And yeah, and also, Philip Morris also say it's not a vape.
They're very, they're very tricky about it because, so anyway, just to explain to you all this here, I've got this thing here. Do you see that?
Yeah, that's not a cigarette. Are you saying that's not a cigarette or are you just asking? You're going, that's not a cigarette?
Show me it again. OK, just a sec. Hang on, where's my, oh there's the camera. It's a bit higher. Yeah, there you go. Look at that. Yeah.
How much does that look like a cigarette? A lot. Looks like a short, unfiltered one. Yeah, it's tobacco wrapped in paper with a filter at one end that you plant between your lips and you inhale nicotine and tar, nicotine and tobacco and tar into your lungs. But they say this isn't a cigarette.
And the reason they came up with this is because, well, one example is in Europe last year, they banned menthol cigarettes across Europe. You can't produce them, you can't sell them, you can't buy them. And I think they would have wanted to ban all cigarettes, but, you know, you've got to start somewhere and menthol are the ones that young people and people who don't yet smoke are likely to use as a gateway. So the European Union bans them, they're banned. And then Philip Morris are like, oh, OK, sure, we'll go along with this ban.
And then they go, oh, by the way, we've got this new product. It's called a heat stick. And and then like everyone looks at it and goes, hang on. It just looks like exactly what he said. It's tobacco rolled in paper with a filter at one end that you plant between your lips, inhaling nicotine and tobacco into your lungs. But they say it's not a cigarette, it's a heat stick. Do you like it? Well, this is where it gets into the little finicky distinctions. But then like the two wild things about this before I get into that is one is it worked. Is that like the European Union has spent so many years trying to snuff out menthol cigarettes and then Philip Morris just come along with this. And just by rewording it to a heat stick, they got they got through the ban. And it's so and it's wildly like it's almost selling.
Pardon? Are they selling well? Yeah, well, you can't really nothing against I don't want to sound mean to Philip Morris. God knows that you can't.
They say yes, but like honestly, just say, imagine if you had like the most sketchiest girlfriend or boyfriend who you just never trusted and everything they say you're suspicious of. And they've lied. You've caught them lying like 100 times or whatever. That's like Philip Morris. It's almost like there's a joke where it's like, hello, she lied. And in the case of Philip Morris, it's like you don't it's not even that word. It's like as soon as I guess go anything I say, you've got to be so suspicious. It's not the actual reality.
So they say they're selling well. But what do we know or whatever? But the fact is that they're able to sell them. Yeah.
And it's like so cigarettes are this issue that just seems like such an out of the zeitgeist social justice issue because it's it just seems like this thing from the 70s, like like yellowing. Women's weekly magazines in a garage or whatever. That seems like the smoking issue.
And we just think of we vaguely remember maybe Paul Hogan or something like that into it or whatever, but it's but it is still the biggest killer of people, you know, in the world, like eight million people die. And like the hospital system in Australia, one point seven million of the beds each year, it's just smoking.
It's like it's it's both the still the biggest thing, but so out of the zeitgeist compared with, you know, other things that are kind of reasonable. I'm not having a go at these other things being the thing, you know, things like trans rights or Black Lives Matter or things like that, like the cigarette issue just seems like the total opposite out of the zeitgeist thing or whatever. It's no it's no net net 2030 climate change. Yeah, yeah. Or climate change or whatever. But then but it's still like the biggest public health crisis.
So it's totally bizarre to me that somehow Philip Morris, like finally there was going to be the hugest pushback against cigarettes, like they're going to get their the biggest black eye they've ever got over their so far their life as a cigarette company, which is banning all of menthol cigarettes across Europe. And then they just were like, oh, yeah, OK, we've got these menthol heat sticks. And and the legislation just wasn't written for what do we do if they change the word cigarette to heat stick and is that basically like explain to me what what is the difference in the heat stick? So this is what this is what everything is this misdirection where and I know this was right in the book. I kept on getting confused and going down rabbit holes or whatever. So the thing I've done different to how they would present it is I presented you this thing, the heat stick, and we're all going out that just looks like a cigarette. So they wouldn't even bring this up, right?
They bring up they've got this device here and it's called an icos and looks like a pen. Yeah, it looks like a pen. And and so what happens is they make this what they're selling like in your mind, like it's like, oh, we've got this new thing and it's got a little flashing light on it. So what it is, it's like this. Yeah, it's like this fat, cool looking pen. And then you shove it into this handheld charger device, which is also pretty funky and cool looking. So it doesn't like look like some like a sunglasses cap. And so then they kind of they start telling you all about this and they start so you think this is the product.
And so this is already the first like major misdirection because, you know, for the sake of you not dying of lung cancer, this cigarette is what they call not a cigarette is the product, but they've already kind of kind of got you on this. So you start going on and kind of looks like a bit like a vape. And, you know, it's like an e-cigarette and then kind of gets lost in that world a bit. So Philip Morris do this really clever thing because a vape is also an e-cigarette. And this, I guess, in so much as it gets plugged in to this thing that heats up the heat stick, I guess that's an e-cigarette in a way. So then Philip Morris do this really clever thing of if if there's any research, if any doctor or politician or whoever says something positive about vaping and says, well, you know, like, for instance, you know, like vaping is actually healthier than cigarettes because they don't have taro or whatever. Philip Morris implies that this their thing is an e-cigarette like a vape. But then, God, then when there's like there was like the vape crisis in America where kids were dying and others going to hospital because they were sucking up on these vapes that had tainted juice, juice within them, then suddenly Philip Morris go, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Our thing isn't a vape.
It's it's totally different. It's a heat stick. So they get to kind of play it both ways. So basically they've built a device where you put something that looks a lot like a cigarette inside of it and it smokes it for you. Yeah.
So what happens is they say that it heats the heat stick to an incredible degree, that it's going to generate a discharge, which they call aerosol, but they say it never actually catches a light. And because it doesn't catch a light, technically speaking, according to them, it's not generating smoke because they say, at least initially until you kind of corner them, they say that the thing that kills you in a cigarette is the smoke. The smoke comes about because you like the cigarette and it burns. This doesn't ever actually burn. So therefore it's only heating up to an incredible degree. And therefore this discharge that comes out of it, that kind of seems a bit like smoke, isn't actually isn't actually smoke. And therefore it's not smoke. So therefore it's a better alternative to cigarettes.
And they'll never actually, they're very clever, they'll never actually say healthier or safer because they can't, because they can't. And because that would be making a medical claim that they can't back up. And they also probably don't want to back up because then they want it to be this consumer device that's sold at the 7-Eleven and at Kohl's. They don't want it to be this medical device that you go to the doctor and then have to go to a pharmacy through or whatever.
So their first thing is it's not smoke. And they say it's not smoke because something has to combust for it to be smoke.
But this isn't, I mean, I could just rub it on all day. So I'll just stop at this one point, just showing how this is very tricky. But I read up because I know nothing about science. So I have to really do a lot of research and talk to scientists and doctors and stuff.
So in a conventional cigarette, it's not the burning that generates smoke. It's this process just right before the burning called pyrolysis and that generates the smoke in a conventional cigarette. So therefore, following that through, the fact that this doesn't combust this heat stick, according to Philip Morris, even if that's true, it doesn't combust. It does do that pyrolysis thing. So therefore, it could possibly still be smoke.
So they're already kind of being very tricky even on and it just keeps on going on and on where they say one thing and the more you dig into it, you realise it's one more misdirection. Have you found them ever since the kind of anti-smoking kind of campaigning began? And we went very heavy here in Australia, particularly. We had a health minister who'd lost a father to smoking. Kevin Rudd backed her all the way to plain packaging and taxes. And the taxes are still going up, which in itself is a social issue that we could go down that rabbit hole and kind of talk about how there's some kids eating corn flakes within it because mum and dad just are so hooked on these cigarettes and just keep paying even when the taxes go up.
But we did experience a big drop off, you know, a huge drop off. It's just not worth it for the young kids now, even though we have seen vapes fill that void.
If you've walked past a train station recently, you've seen kids smoking all kinds of disposables and rechargeables and whatever in almost at the same volume, if not more of kids smoking dairies down in the 90s. But the fact of the matter is, Philip Morris and British American Tobacco and all the big boys must have taken a whack. Did you have any numbers in how the anti-smoking movement has affected their business? Well, that's why Philip Morris have had to come up with this, because it's for markets where cigarettes are just seen in, you know, as just disgusting things.
LA. Yeah, LA and stuff like that.
So they're coming up with this reality going, oh, God knows this isn't a cigarette, but they're still at the moment wherever they can sell cigarettes, like around the world and where, you know, there's just countries where they're not as in disrepute amongst the public or whatever. And they just keep on selling it there and then they're just going to keep on selling it until they're told not to sell it over there. But yeah, so this is this is very much them reacting to the anti-smoke.
And like this is another thing I should explain. The reason I got into this story in the first place is I saw these full page ads in the newspaper where Philip Morris were claiming they were shutting down as a cigarette company. Yeah, what was what was the terminology they use?
Unsmoke the world. Unsmoke the world, we're changing, are you?
Yeah. Is that is that kind of the high horse? And so their pitch at the moment is they're not even a cigarette company, they're an anti-cigarette company, they're a health enterprise who are trying to get the one billion smokers of the world off cigarettes.
And then it's like, what, huh, huh? So I read that, I was like, what is this? I don't understand.
And like it did sound like the South African government under apartheid, like just throwing in the towel and saying, oh, listen, we're giving up. We realise it's an evil empire. We are now an anti-racist government.
So I was going, is that what's happening here? Is Philip Morris, the Melborough guys, the world's biggest cigarette company, are they doing something similar, whether it's just like they're sincere, like they're going to give it all up. But then then you dig a little deeper and it's like, oh, the way we can help out, you know, we're not just going to abandon you to having to quit by yourself. So we've got this device, the heat stick and the icos, and that's going to help you move on to a better alternative. And so that's what they mean. So they're trying to move. So then it becomes a real insane mind. I don't want to say the F word, but, you know, messing with your mind or whatever, because they've created a reality where they're both the world's biggest cigarette company.
I think they put out, God, is it 800 billion cigarettes a year? I think like 800 billion, so close to a trillion cigarettes a year.
So on the one hand, they do that. On the other hand, because of this icos and this heat stick, which they claim isn't a cigarette and which they claim they're trying to get people onto away from their cigarettes, they get to pitch themselves as being against smoking and being in sync with the World Health Organisation, being in sync with Greg Hunt's, you know, health policy of trying to like and it's like we're on the same side. We're trying to get people off cigarettes. But of course, for that to be true, like the little thing is you have to agree that this isn't a cigarette. It just seems like it's tobacco rolled in paper with a filter at one end that generates tar. So why is it not a cigarette?
And you can see how successful they are at it. Just I'm looking at this thing in The Guardian today.
And the article is it says tobacco firm Philip Morris calls for ban on cigarettes within decades. And it's got the CEO saying cigarettes should be outlawed. Cigarettes should be treated like petrol cars.
We've got a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So the whole that only makes sense if you're going to go along with their reality that this heat stick isn't a cigarette. And but the way that I'm not having to go to The Guardian or whatever, but to even explain their story, like for The Guardian, they have to kind of somehow take the pill. They have to go along with their reality and say and agree that Philip Morris are saying this, whether they're really going to do it. They are saying this and take the blue pill, I should say.
Yeah. Where else did you get to? I mean, that was fascinating in itself. It actually seems like an exercise to remain relevant and to further their anti-smoking brand. Because I can't see given the option of a disposable vape like the one I have here, which they sell everywhere. Yeah.
You know, I mean, I'll pick this one up in Toowoomba. They were all smoking them in the pubs in Toowoomba.
So anyway, it's all it's a gray market thing, but every news agency is selling them. But given the option of this or that three piece contraption, you just kind of you know, I don't think anyone on the guy is going to grab grab that and invest in the machine and the charger. That almost feels like it was just a ploy to push this brand as the anti-smoking company. Have they made any moves on anything more chic like the Juul? Well, their American branch did buy into Juul. So I think they own, I don't know what it is, whatever it's for.
Juul's the real USB one. Yeah, the USB one.
So this is my kind of op-ed, obviously. But my impression is that Philip Morris really want to go ahead with the heat stick and other products that are tobacco based, because vapes have no tobacco in them. And so almost like from almost a shareholder perspective, like they have to tell their shareholders how they're going to keep their company alive. They want their future business to be around tobacco as opposed to vaping, because vaping's got no tobacco. And then another reason for that is that vaping, just anyone can do it. It's pretty open source and it's pretty cheap and easy for anyone to set up a vape company. And so they like this because it's proprietorial and it's going to be harder for it to be nigh impossible. Like people aren't going to be able to make heat sticks in their garage, like they can make vape juice and stuff. So I think even though there are examples like of Philip Morris dabbling in vaping as vaping, I think it's a bit of a side issue. I mean, I can't prove that or anything, but...
So I guess the nicotine gets added to the tobacco. No, no, the nicotine is naturally in the tobacco. So therefore, when you have nicotine in vape juice, that's because it's been extracted from the tobacco. And then again, I mean, if there's some real kind of pedant nerd word who's like trying to trip me up, like they might go, well, technically speaking, nicotine is tobacco or whatever, but it's sort of it's an aspect of tobacco. And it's also it's good to divide them into two because it's the tobacco that is like giving you the lung cancer. It's not the nicotine. The nicotine is what keeps you addicted to the danger as opposed to being the danger itself. And the nicotine is, for the most part, unless you're one of those types who love puffing on a cigar for the therapeutic sense, the nicotine is what most people enjoy in a cigarette.
I well... Is that the reward systems that... I guess you might know more about this thing. You're the one with the vape or whatever. I picked this one up before our little chat. And I can tell you, I can see why the kids are hooked on it, certainly marketed to them with the flavors and the and the fruit and they've got bubblegum and fairy floss and all kinds of shit. But yeah, it is interesting.
Like, is there any way of extracting nicotine from anywhere else in the world that doesn't involve tobacco? No, I don't think so. But I don't think I mean, I'm basing this on someone to be really careful, like obviously I'm not a doctor or whatever and you should just triple fact check everything. But like, for instance, if you go down to Chemist Warehouse, you can just buy nicotine chewing gum without a prescription. And I think you don't even have to be 18 or whatever.
So and, you know, Australia is really strict with medical things. It's not like we're some, you know, some crazy country where like they're really strict, the TGA and the government over things.
So clearly they think that nicotine in certain forms isn't the danger. Having said that and asterisks after that, from what I understand, although I don't know nearly anything about it, I think there is some research where people are saying nicotine in and of itself can pose some sort of danger. But but generally speaking, when people talk about or think about cigarettes, it's not the nicotine that's giving them the lung cancer, it's the tobacco. It's the tobacco and the smell and the gross and the indoors and the secondhand smoke and all that kind of conversation comes. The other thing I should I should add, for some reason, I'd forgotten to put this in or whatever, but we're talking about vaping or whatever.
I mean, that's the other reason for this heat stick in the ICOS is it's Philip Morris, not just responding to the world of government bans, it's them responding to the world of vaping. So in a lot of ways, the ICOS and the heat stick is Philip Morris taking on vaping, like entering that world without being a vape itself and trying to get people to choose the ICOS and the heat stick. But if you're getting confused, the ICOS is just a device that heats up the heat stick.
Because I don't want to sound like some jargon guy who kind of like, hey, man, everyone spent the last year and a half writing a book. No, but explain how that's spelt, because it's got the trendy kind of spelling.
It's IQOS. And in fact, I think I think they go IQOS. I think they like it like that.
But I was like three quarters of the way through my audio book and I'd been saying ICOS the whole time. I was like, oh, bad luck, Philip Morris. It's like in Australia, my version is probably going to catch on. So and it's IQOS and there's a theory that it used to stand for like they called it that because I quit ordinary smoking. I think it was good. I could go.
But then then what happened is that somewhere down the path, they decided, oh, we want our angle to be this is nothing to do with smoking and doesn't smoke and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So then they decided that it doesn't stand for that. And so therefore, if you ask them now, why is it called ICOS? They go, oh, not nothing, no reason, no reason, no reason, no reason. Yeah, it's just they kept the acronym, but eliminated what it stood for.
What have you found as you kind of explored this brave new world of ingesting nicotine? I mean, there's all that stuff you can talk about the secondhand smoke. I mean, it was a big coup.
I remember when they banned smoking in pubs, it was like, of course, that was so hard to argue against that because you look at someone who doesn't smoke cigarettes, works behind a bar for 20 years. They're going to be so fucked from there because they're taking in more smoke than anyone who smokes. And then at that point, you know, back in the day, they probably took smoke breaks as well. So that's obviously going to fuck them up. But you look at nicotine and it's such a such a still to this day, such a common place in in society that we kind of overlook, as you mentioned before, it's still the number one killer in so many countries. And I mean, I know when they banned smoking, Queensland was the first that banned smoking in prisons, assaults went up 500 percent in Arthur Gory Correctional Center when they banned cigarettes.
Then they replaced them with patches and lozenges, which created the same currency of which cigarettes held. People start using that stuff to barter inside prison. And because it's just the nicotine at the end of the day. If anyone follows Spanion on Instagram is a is a kind of a modern day chopper read, he kind of talks about the life in times of being in and out of prison. He was saying there was a moment there where they were crushing up the lozenges, mixing them with tea leaves and smoking them like bongs. And obviously the biggest way to limit smoking after banning smoking in prison was to take lighters away. And that's now considered a contraband. So they managed to use tissue papers and a few paper clips and a lot of a PowerPoint and then punch a bong through a water bottle of crushed up lozenge with tea leaves. And in some cases, they'll also just scrape up a cigarette patch into little little dots and mix that with tea leaves and smoke that like a cigarette with a page from the Bible or Quran like that is true addiction.
You know, people, people, people forget that. And of course, these vapes that contain nicotine are just going to come roaring back into society because it doesn't matter. You know, all it all you needed to do was provide a counter to the culture that had shifted away from can you please not smoke next to me.
And you sit in a bar nowadays outside of lockdown. And quite often you'll see someone puffing indoors on a vape or an icos and the bar staff aren't even, you know, the bar staff are 20 year olds. So they're not even they don't even remember the days of that being a faux pas.
Yeah. What have you kind of seen in this social shift that kind of has allowed, you know, they'd almost stamped it out, nicotine intake as a social kind of thing. Yeah. Well, I do talk to this guy who works at a prison in Melbourne in my book or whatever.
And yeah, he just he said basically what you did where like there's a cigarette there's been a cigarette ban for five years, but there hasn't been a cigarette ban for five years because people just get what they need to get by any means necessary. And this dude said, yeah, he found it interesting that the people in prison will have have had access to all sorts of drugs from heroin to speed, whatever. Yet the one that they really can't give up and that what that they prioritize and that costs the most is tobacco with you because so that there must be some, there must be just something about it that just is harder than other drugs. I mean, the fact that they banned cigarettes was always, you know, something that you could just laugh at because they haven't been able to stop heroin and ice from getting into prison. And it's easier because it's less consequential for the person who's smuggling it in.
Like even on a, like for me, if someone said to me, hey, John, can you take this cake of heroin and just drive it around the corner, drop out this guy's house? I'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? But if you were like, OK, can you take these ciggies around, I'd be like, yeah, sure or whatever.
So the fact that in our minds, cigarettes and tobacco seems lower stake than heroin and coke or whatever, that that's another reason why it's able to get into prison because people are more willing to take the risk. Like you're not going to, it lives on. And you see some of these old creams that were once in the in the drug game and probably still are often and these gangs that they're associated with getting arrested with black market cigarettes often. You know, with finding truckloads of black market Chinese Marlboros or whatever else, or even just completely new name like branded cigarettes that no one's ever heard of. Because at the end of the day, it is it's an addiction that that I guess the only the only way to break it down is years and years and years of campaigning against it.
But that's what will be the confusing thing with vaping, because again, it's got the nicotine, but it's the nicotine addicting is making you addicted to some other danger in the in the vape. So the real danger in the vape, if they're, you know, what level it is, I don't know, but is that you're like you're inhaling these like, first of all, like steam, which you shouldn't. And I think it's called propylene glycerol. I really should guarantee I can pronounce those words before babbling like I'm an expert. I just call it PG and vegetable glycerol and flavorings and so it's it's the inhaling of that that is likely to be if there is a danger, which I imagine will find. Yeah, I mean, that's that's what's so tricky about talking about vaping compared with the heat stick in the icos. It's like it's generating tar, you inhaling tar into your lungs, just like a cigarette. So it's simpler to just have a treatment whilst like, you know, like what the hell's going on there? Like you probably shouldn't put tar into your lungs. Right. But then the other thing with vaping, that's kind of confusing.
And this is like going to be an answer that both sides will hate because I really should either be kind of one or the other. And this is but this is I'm being sincere here. I'm not like trying to be a what do you call it? What do you call me before? Like some kind of always trying to start a fight. Contrarian.
I'm not trying to be a contrarian, but if someone was betraying your base, betraying my base, if someone was addicted to cigarettes and then they spent like, I say, six months or nine months or something where they'll wean themselves off cigarettes using vaping. And then at the end of that nine months or that year, like you put both cigarettes and the vaping to one side. You don't do either. Then in that context, you could see how vaping could be seen as a kind of a helpful medicinal tool or whatever, because it's helping get a person off cigarettes. But then, on the other hand, it seems like if you're just going to be huffing all day on a vape for the next 10 years, it seems like a pretty big roll of the dice that there's not going to be some research done that says, well, actually, yeah. Your arms are going to fall. Like, you know, that actually also will kind of deal you some fairly major respiratory problems. So, and then in that case, if you're just going to be huffing on a vape all day for the next 10 years, like, is it really safer than a cigarette in that context if it's like, well, I didn't get the lung cancer that I would have got from the cigarettes, but I did get this respiratory disease that's also going to kill me.
But it's a different way. So. And no one knows how to treat it. Yeah. Well, you are dealing with a dark, I guess you could say, industry.
Did you encounter the same in writing this book? Because you pry. That's what you do, John, is you pry and you kind of disarm people and they end up telling you a bit more than they should. And then, of course, you leave them red faced. And I notice with you, that's what you mean by extremist. So, yeah, you ended up getting a few threats from people who'd realised that they'd given too much away. Did you find any of that, like, you know, big tobacco, shadow government type shit?
Yes.
So I'm very curious when the books read about certain things, whether they're going to catch a light or whatever.
But yeah, there was the the vape inquiry that was the inquiry last year into what was it called into? Anyway, it was basically the vape inquiry, a Senate inquiry.
And there were six politicians on it, six senators, two were Labor, two were Liberal. And then I think the... Central Alliance. Yeah, Central Alliance and someone else or whatever. So generally, except for two people, they're all a bit against it, or quite against vaping. But then there were these two Liberals who were four, or Liberal Nationals. And everyone who appeared before the inquiry, like the other, most of the politicians were very sus.
Like, you know, this sounds like it's a thing of like big tobacco supporting this, and that you're speaking on behalf of big tobacco and all that kind of stuff. And anyway, I feel nauseous just speaking about it. But yeah, I kind of just felt, I found out that, well, it's in the book, so goddamn, I can't hide from it now. But yeah, like Philip Morris were in some ways... Backgrounding you.
No, pulling the strings behind the, helped organize the vape Senate inquiry. And they were in the inquiry without being in the inquiry because Philip Morris could never sit in that inquiry because no one trusts Philip Morris. And even people who are like pro-vaping, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we've got to like, we can't be seen with Philip Morris.
And yeah, then I just sort of found out that they probably were. So yeah, I'm really fascinated that bit of the book, whether like the Liberal Nationals or Philip Morris are going to like come past me in a pickup truck.
And I'll be the first person to be killed by Philip Morris, but not by their cigarettes. The first non-smoker.
I'm just confused with what the media and the news is interested in because it's like in some parallel universe, it's like I've really got this gotcha kind of front page of the age expose of Philip Morris being in the shadows of this Senate inquiry and not revealing that, not only not to the public, but not to the politicians on the panel on the Senate inquiry either. So either they'll be exciting and everyone will be like, hey, Saffran, you've got a really cool exclusive or else it's like, oh, we're in this 24-7 news cycle where like this just, it will just get lost in it all.
You know what I mean? Because Britney Spears will, yeah, something's happened there or something, you know. So I would love to know what a tobacco company lobbyist looks like nowadays. You know what I mean?
Like, we've all seen Thank You for Smoking, but would you imagine that there was someone like that, you know, a smooth haircut, blonde man looking through the halls? I ended up having lunch with a Philip Morris executive and he was, you know, he was good looking, you know, I'm not hitting on him.
I found this when I was writing my book. I'm really bad at describing people because it either sounds like I'm insulting them or trying to hit on them. I just don't know how to, there's something about my writing that whatever I write, it's like, he has a long, lush beard or something. And I actually had my editor at Penguin say to me about, I was describing this woman and I said, and I just go, listen, I've got, how do I describe her? I go, oh, she's like, she's as pale and as blue-eyed and blonde hair as me, but, you know, her face, her face is more symmetrical or something, or something like that. And his comment was like, Jesus, cut this out. This sounds really like sleazy, like you're cracking onto her or whatever. But then, and then there's the other side where it's just, it's really, yeah. Or I sound like I'm insulting them.
He had a face like a kicked-in bikky tin. Yeah. But yeah, he was, anyway, he was the Philip Morris executive. He was a hunk. Nice broad shoulders and everything.
I actually met people from another big tobacco company as well, but then when I was writing the book, it just didn't seem to make sense to put them in. It's a bit like, you know, when you're Batman after the Joker or something like that, like you can't suddenly for one scene be like chasing after the Riddler or something like that. So that had to like all be on the cutting room floor. So it's just like me chasing after the dragon, the Melbro people.
Yeah, yeah, right. Do you like my gear by the way? Yeah, the Melbro shirt is topped here. It's, I've been buying all this stuff for the press to all this like Melbro and Philip Morris merch to wear.
I just thought so much fun. I've never grown out of that thing of when I was like really little and doing dress ups. Like when I was like six years old with the next door neighbor and putting on a show and I'm like, oh, this is so great. I get to dress up.
And we'll have to get him in an Akubra for the Melbro man. This is my other thing that I've ordered from overseas.
You'll see it's, are you familiar with Mission Winnow? So when Philip Morris, when they were banned from putting their Melbro logo on their Formula One cars and on their drivers, they said, oh, okay, sure. And they go, oh, listen, we've set up this other company and God knows it's got nothing to do with cigarettes. It's called Mission Winnow. And then they put all like Mission Winnow on all the cars and on all the drivers.
And no one knew what it meant or whatever. And I think they had to do a bit of reverse engineering once everyone was like, really? Like, what does this mean? And they say it's a portal for having open discussions about ideas. Like, well, I don't even know what that means.
So the only connective tissue I could make to like, why is this in their interest? Is that their argument for the Icos and the heat stick is like, we've got to be open minded. We've got to look to the future. And they make these claims themselves.
They say there used to be petrol cars and now there's electric cars. And so too, there used to be a cigarette. Now there's a heat stick.
Yeah. And it sponsors electric cars in the Formula One. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I would also love to read the edition before the lawyers got a hold of it. It sounds like you made a lot of editors and publishers nervous in writing this book. But yeah, I do have the copy you sent me, so I'm going to finish it up. Have you got, do you have the hard copy copy or just a... No, no, we've got the one with Betuta Advocate watermarked across everybody. Okay, but it's like the, it's not the book book. It's just the hard digital.
Okay. Yeah, no, I was just curious whether they've pressed those up yet. So this was a bit of like irrelevant side business to the listener. They're not interested in.
No, we'll get it. We'll get our hands on a copy. But yeah, it sounds like an exciting read.
And it's going to take us down those same rabbit holes that only John Safran can find. And I'm very interested now, in now that this one's done, and you're going to mute this soap opera where you're heading next. I think QAnon's been done to death. It's been deplatformed. But I'd like to see Safran putting on the linen, heading up to the Northern Rivers and getting to the bottom of this, I guess, index of the anti-vax movement in Australia.
Okay, sure. Yeah, I'll take on suggestions. Mullen Bimby, John Safran live from Mullen. Thanks for joining us, mate. Thank you very much. Puff piece out now by John Safran. See you, sir.
Old with the next door neighbour and putting on a show and I'm like, Oh, this is so great. I get to dress up and We'll have to get him in an Akubra for the Marlboro Man. This is my other thing that I've ordered from overseas.
You'll see it's, are you familiar with Mission Winnow? So when Philip Morris, when they were banned from putting their Marlboro logo on their Formula One cars and on their drivers, they said, Oh, okay, sure. And they go, Oh, listen, we've set up this other company and God knows, it's got nothing to do with cigarettes. It's called Mission Winnow. And then they put all like Mission Winnow on all the cars and on all the drivers.
And no one knew what it meant or whatever. And I think they had to do a bit of reverse engineering once everyone was like, really, like, what does this mean? And they say it's a portal for having open discussions about ideas. Like, well, I don't even know what that means. So the only connective tissue I could make to like, what's, why is this in their interest?
Is that their argument for the I-cost and the heat stick is like, we've got to be open minded. We've got to look to the future. And they make these claims themselves.
They say there used to be petrol cars and now there's electric cars. And so too, there used to be a cigarette. Now there's a heat stick.
Yeah. And it sponsors electric cars in the Formula One. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, I would also love to read the edition before the lawyers got hold of it, because it sounds like you made a lot of editors and publishers nervous in writing this book. But yeah, I do have the copy you sent me, so I'm going to finish it up. Have you got, do you have a hard copy copy or just a... No, no, we've got the one with Betuta Advocate watermarked across everybody.
Oh, okay. But it's like the, it's not the book book. It's just the digital. Okay.
Yeah, no, it's just curious whether they've pressed those up yet. So this was a bit of like irrelevant side business to the listener. They're not interested in.
No, we'll get it. We'll get our hands on a copy. But yeah, it sounds like an exciting read.
And it's going to take us down those same rabbit holes that only John Safran can find. And I'm very interested now, in now that this one's done and you're going to mute this soap opera where you're heading next. I think QAnon's been done to death. It's been deplatformed. But I'd like to see Safran putting on the linen, heading up to the Northern rivers and getting to the bottom of this, I guess, index of the anti-vax movement in Australia.
Okay, sure. Yeah, I'll take on suggestions. Mullen Bimby, John Safran live from Mullen. Thanks for joining us, mate. Thank you very much. Puff piece out now by John Safran. See you, sir. |
dropout | Troopers_vs_Performance_Reviews | I think I speak for us both when I say last year was very productive. Not our fault. Very productive.
Oh, this isn't a review of last year. It's a review of next year.
And it's a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very enemy with one another. And you're demoted!
We didn't do. We're not to do anything.
According to projections, you will blast a hole in the spaceship. I got me. No, you get me. Oh, no. As predicted. Like I said, demoted. Ah, but now that we know that we will take the machine, use it to go to the future a hole in the spaceship. My idea too, so smart, us. Mm-kay.
Hey! Gimme! No, you gimme! Gimme! No, you gimme!
Oh no, it was predicted. Again, demoted. Uh, wait, but now that we know that, we will go to the future to stop ourselves from taking the time machine?
Everybody calm down! You see where this is going? Okay, I've got it. Shared gun study.
I get Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and every other Sunday.
Agreed? Agreed. See?
No more fighting over the gun. Isn't it your day with the gun? Huh, I thought it was your day with the gun?
Oh, Dreadlight savings. Just a pitch, what if I go into the future and shoot that lizard monster?
Dang, missed him. Well, what if? Oh, crud, I missed him again.
Hear me out. Got him! Whoo! There you go, fourth Larry! Wait, did you guys already miss? Whoo!
See, you kept going, missing, coming back and going again. You should have gone earlier, erasing the later times. Now that I know that, why don't I do that? Because you don't understand what I'm saying.
Touche. Okay, I've got it. We forfeit the gun to you, Dreadlord, here and now. Oops. I mean, this is all your fault. Okay, I've got it. We take the gun back from you, here and now. Give me! No, you give me! Oops, I mean, this is all your fault.
It's almost as if the hole in the spaceship is somehow meant to be. It is I, rich from the distant future. The hole in the spaceship is more important than you could possibly imagine. It sets off a series of events that saves humanity.
What? The guy was like 80. You've got plenty of time. |
dropout | hardly_working_consciences | Don't do it Jake that cake was meant for Dan. You're right Dan's mom made him that cake, and he'd be really sad if I ate it It's just one little piece Jake who's gonna notice your evil consciousness Vinny She's man. Don't do that.
All right. We're really high up. Sorry. You're sorry. We almost died dude This is like a quarter mile high for us. Oh god. I look down now. I'm freaking out I said I was sorry so what do I do about the cake okay? You are not sorry cuz if you were you'd be more careful Okay, oh no everything is spinning Shoulders on one hand.
It's chocolate. That's my favorite flavor on the other hand the other hand Why don't you shut the fuck up and put me on the table before you kill me fine? Oh god?
What the fuck is wrong with you wow aren't you supposed to be the good conscience? I'm supposed to be the alive conscience all right.
I'm terrified just tell me what I should do about the cake really really This is about the cake because we're holding on to your shirt for dear life fine I'm not gonna eat the cake God do whatever you want family to cake oh No, I can't look man is he dead Help me help me my skull is bleeding don't help him bro. Okay eat that cake. Yes, sir |
dropout | Billionaire_Philanthropy_Isn_t_That_Selfless | Every time a billionaire even hints at doing something charitable, we treat them like saints. Mega-rich guys like Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and Mark Zuckerberg have the media falling all over them. But in reality, this billionaire philanthropy is not as selfless as it seems.
What are you talking about? Why, we're literally giving our money away. Not quite.
Take the Chan Zuckerberg Initiative. When Mark Zuckerberg announced his plans to give away 99% of his Facebook shares, the press covered it like he was giving all his money to charity. But in reality, he actually gave those shares to an LLC that he controls. And he can do almost anything he wants with that money, including invest it in for-profit ventures. For all intents and purposes, the money is still his.
I'm taking money from my personal pocket. I'm transferring it to my foundation pocket. Well, the Hulko Foundation is a non-profit. I'm one of the good billionaires who really is giving their money away. Eh, more like our money, because billionaire foundations like yours are essentially one big tax dodge. Normally, when an individual earns income, a portion goes to taxes so that our democratically elected officials can use it to pay for public goods like schools, services, and infrastructure. This money will go towards what we, the people, have decided. But money donated to private foundations is mostly untaxed, which means these billionaires get to put their interests ahead of the public's. Or this money could go towards what I, the me, have decided. Not only that, they also get a personal tax deduction for making a donation to charity, which means the public loses out on even more money. Thank you for your donation.
Wait, seriously, why the heck am I doing this?
And when they donate money to their own foundations, they're not even required to give all of it away. Tax laws only require these types of charitable organizations to spend 5% of investment assets annually, and that could just be on expenses and salaries.
I could give this money directly to the grassroots organization that needs it, or I can make Cousin Greg the community development czar. I'm going with Cousin Greg. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_two_birds_that_made_each_other_go_extinct | Dude, what are you doing? Are you sawing the tree branch so that it falls and then I fall with it and I die? You know I'm a bird right? I'm just gonna fly away You know what your problem is Derek? Oh, here we go You're a thief Yeah, you stole my egg I saw you do it which egg what do you mean my egg no No, that is definitely not your egg. Oh, that's so weird because if this was your egg explain this What it's like looking in the mirror. Oh you egg-headed son of a bitch Oh Hey deal we should get going soon.
I heard there's a killer in these woods and I'm not gonna be you hear that gale Yeah, they're singing a little song it's beautiful Looky there now, they're performing their ritual dance And now they're doing a typical meeting call They really are God's most beautiful creatures They sure are deal. They'll make for some excellent dinner. I love nature Oh my god Deal those aren't birds. Those are regular people in bird costumes Wow, he was the killer Like that, can you hear this Mitchell Get away from my egg You know Marcy told me to wait for it for marriage.
Yeah, did you? Tell you one thing wasn't worth the weight But I bet she had a lot of weight because she's large Yeah, that's my wife |
cracked | trump_s_with_her | I will say this about Hillary. I know her very well. She's very talented and she has a husband that I also like very much.
She doesn't quit. She doesn't give up. And she's a really good person and woman. She's a fighter.
I think she's going to go down at a minimum as a great senator. I think she is a great wife and Bill Clinton was a great president.
You look at the country then. We had no war.
The economy was doing great. Everybody was happy.
How did she do a secretary of state? Probably above and beyond everybody else and everything else.
I just like her. I like her and I like her husband. She does fight hard and she doesn't quit and she doesn't give up and I consider that to be a very good drink. Hillary Clinton I think is a terrific woman. I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job and I like her. You like Mrs. Clinton too. In your book, The Art of the Comeback, you say of Mrs. Clinton, she's a wonderful woman who's handled pressure incredibly well. I agree with that.
I think she's gone through terrible times. I think she's been through more than any woman she'll have to bear, everything public. I mean women go through this on a private basis and can't take it. She's on the front page of every newspaper every week with what went on in Washington. I think she's a wonderful woman. |
dropout | what_is_this_fried_thing_live | Everybody, and welcome to What is this Fried Thing, a game where the title says it all. Here are our contestants, we've got Zach, Jillian, and Grant. Now they're going to be presented with things that look a lot like this. Just a confusing fried brown crispy object, you can see Zach is puzzling over it already and this is one that you can all play at home if you want.
We'll reveal this one at the very end, but if you want to throw in your guesses about what you think this is, feel free to throw them in the comments. I think I know what that is. I see a little bit of something. What do you think it is? Is that a spoon?
I'm not going to tell you. I completely disagree.
Wow, well this is what we're going to be doing. We're going to bring out objects in a row, objects and foods that will be fried and covered completely in delicious crispy coating and it will be up to you to try to guess what it is. Now, the bolder you are, the more points you'll be awarded, so when we put that down if you think you know what is fried, you can put in your guess, take a bite, and if you get it right, you'll get five points. If no one feels so bold, you'll each get a chance to ask one question, but for each question that gets asked, the number of points you win if you get it right will go down by one. I'll keep track of all the points so you don't have to, but that's pretty much how the game works.
How do you guys feel? Good. Hey, I have something to say too about... Are you chewing gum? No. Okay. I wouldn't chew gum in a video, I respect my viewers too much.
I know about sportsmanship, I think if we're wrong, we shouldn't just say like, oh no, it's not that, it's this, that way we can keep playing. Yeah, that makes sense. We're gonna keep playing guys, we're gonna play this as long as I can go without throwing up. Uh, cool, I love how every time we play a game we're always just eating weird shit. This is like a third in a continuing form.
I would say that I don't love it. As long as it's not blended, I feel like... Yeah, fried is definitely better than black.
Here's our first one, I will say, we'll go ahead and establish a rule two of no touching, just in case there are like bits of things that are poking out, but... Can we also say that the breadcrumbs surrounding these objects are weird, they look like... Maggots.
We want to get them extra crispy, actually I don't know what is in there. Does anyone, is anyone feeling confident and wants to throw in a guess for five points, no extra information? It's definitely food, like all these, I guess... Can I definitely eat all of this?
No. Okay. That counts as one question. Oh no! That's a question about nothing. It's not even about this particularly delicious in general.
Just no questions until we're... I guess we're all on the same level, like playing fields though. Yeah, okay. Zach and Jillian, I know you can jump in for four points, or you can ask a question to reduce the point. I'm going to ask a question. Very good.
Is this a food? It is a food.
Alright. Three max points left. Jillian, do you want to jump in? It's just that the density of it, as I'm looking at it, and I'm like, oh that's a real, that's like a chunk of something that took a lot of layers to get covered, you know?
So we're talking a tuber, I hope. We're talking... Well, we're talking tubers. We're not talking Spain. We're talking tubers, Jillian.
Okay. Okay, so now either I ask a question, or I eat, or one of us dies. If you want to go for it, if you want to take a guess, or really anyone could, I suppose. Anyone can take a guess, only Jillian has a question left. Oh, right, okay, okay.
It looks like to me... Are you going to guess? Is this your guess? No, this is me talking about it. You're participating. It looks to me like...
Like a biscuit, like some sort of a biscuity thing, and a deep fried biscuit would be great. But I don't imagine that the game would be played by just giving us something delicious to enjoy. The problem with this game is the longer we do that, the more I'm just like, I should just eat it. Make it sound good like that. I think it's harder than a biscuit.
Yeah, they kept their shape pretty well in the fryer, so maybe it's a hockey puck, but I know it's food. I know it's definitely food. Hockey puck foods include...
My guess is... Are you going to go for it? Yeah, I have a guess. I'm fucking wrong, though. I was going to guess fried green tomato. Can I guess after this, or is this round?
As long as he doesn't tell us what it is to me. So, should I just avoid looking at what it is eating?
I'll lean back and enjoy this. Oh, it is. I can't even see if he's happy or not. It's not a fried green tomato. It sounded hollower than I thought. I have a guess that's wrong, but I just want to say it.
Is it just the roll of bubble tape? Just the roll of bubble tape? Like you take the bubble tape out and... When you said bubble tape, I thought bubble wrap? We already said it's not a food. You don't eat bubble wrap? Your guess is bubble tape.
I know it's not that from how long it took for you to understand what it is. It's definitely not. It's so much heavier than I thought. Oh, right now I can't wait. I still don't know. Well, it's not bubble tape.
Okay, I think it's my turn. Yeah. I'm going to go for real, you know...
Do you still not know what it is? I have no idea what this is. I've been eating it and I don't know what it is.
Okay, I'm going to go with salami. Alright, go for salami. Alright, go for it. Get that bite.
That's silly. You're really making a mess over here, Jillian. I don't know what I'm going to do.
These are moon pies. We started off easy on you guys. Nice deep-fried moon pie.
That makes you happy. State fair style, you know? It's fucking great. It's so goddamn tasty. I really feel like we saw a whole play out on Jillian's face where she was expecting salami and got sweet for the first time. I'm very happy. That's pretty good.
I'm going to finish mine. I like this game.
Alright, well, no one got any points, but you won't get a deep-fried moon pie. Alright, we're playing for points. I almost like I got points. The points don't matter.
This moon pie is fucking good. This moon pie exists and it's tangible. I'm going to eat this.
Alright, let's move on to the next item. Just jumping fries. Really? What is this fried thing? Oh.
It's a jalapeno popper. Well, that's your guess. Yeah, I guess you're going for it. My guess is it's a jalapeno popper. Alright, Grant, going for five points. A jalapeno popper.
Oh, I have a guess. Wait, no. Yes, I have a guess. Oh, god. I have a guess.
It's not a jalapeno popper. I'm wrong.
It's sliced oranges. It's sliced oranges?
Yes. Oh, no. He's having such a reaction. I think this is the worst. It's so fucking... Oh, it's so mean.
It's not sliced oranges. Oh, no. Jillian asked questions. Okay.
Is it something that will ooze? Something that will ooze. Because it feels like it just exploded in your face. I don't know what it is. She probably likes some juiciness to it.
Yeah, juice. Yeah, that's okay. Juice. Okay.
What is this? You guys still have questions or no?
I know. I know what it is. No, I need to just guess. I think... I guess we'll kind of get the rules as we go. Yeah, yeah.
I feel like you should... I think she should. You should get... I should get three...
I get two more questions? If you want to or you can go first. So you asked one. Right, because I want points. So it's down to four points. You're repulsive. Okay, I'm going to guess... We have one more question.
Is it from the sea? It is not from the sea.
Thank God. That's a good question. Okay.
I don't have to keep eating just right. You do not have to keep eating just right.
I'm going to guess it's like you guys are being real mean with like a pig's foot. Okay. So you're going for pig's foot. It's crazy that you'd be like pig's foot.
Oh, it's juicy. And I don't want to eat it. I'm not meant to eat it, man.
I'm just opening it. Julie, do you know what it is? Oh, yeah. The fruit.
It's a lemon.
Zach was so close. He sliced oranges.
God damn deep fried it. Just give me lemon. That does look like a lemon.
When we really took close up... We should have just looked at the size of this. I'm pretty sure it would be... close-up. I should have just like looked at the size of it.
I've been calling to god you like a half a point. Yeah I think we should. So far Zach has come closest. Bring back the moon pie. Yeah what are we doing? All right still no points for anyone but you know if I had to call a tie breaker I'd probably give it to Zach at this point.
Hell yeah. Number three.
What is this fried thing? Oh god is it oh is it an animal product? It's not an animal product.
Okay good cuz I was worried it was an eyeball. You're down to four points. I've had a fried eyeball before.
Yeah? Yeah.
That's gross though. I don't want to eat that. No I don't. I just. I don't think that's what this is.
Too tiny. I see a little hole.
I'm basically just trying to cheat. I've got to pull my hair back guys. This is getting real.
Why don't any of us have points yet?
Is it? I'm not gonna ask a question. Yeah okay.
Is it something that but like is a unit of a hole or is it a hole itself? I'd say it's a hole itself.
Okay. So down to three points now. Maybe one more question. Did that help us at all?
Like cuz now we know it's not you know grape. I was thinking like yeah like yeah it's not a grape. Right cuz that wouldn't you. Unless. Your definition of grape sister. It would be like part of a vine.
Could be like a leechy I don't know what you say bastards do. Maybe I'm trying to throw you off. Maybe I'm princess brideing you.
I have another guess at. You're guessing or you're asking a question. Do we have one more question? I have a question I guess.
Is it candy? It is not candy. Fuck. I almost guessed. And it's candy.
It would have the two. So two points now if anyone wants to go for it. Just smash it.
I think it's I'm gonna guess it's a it's a mozzarella ball. You're going for mozzarella ball. You just want it to be a mozzarella ball.
Okay. I have okay. I'm going to guess mushroom. I know I guess.
Was he right? He was not right.
It's not a mushroom. Alright. You have to think about it. I definitely don't. Yes I'm encouraging you so that you encourage me. That's true. This is a water chestnut I believe didn't you? Oh.
It's an olive. It's actually really good. Not bad but I also don't want to keep eating it.
Exactly. I assume the moon pies are the best so far. Oh absolutely.
And the lemon's the worst. Look how gross this looks.
This is actually. I'm gonna get an orange. This is pretty good. Alright. You guys ready for the next one? It's not bad.
This game is hard. It's hard.
I was expecting someone to have some points at this point. Because the coating is just. I'd love to figure things out. Oh get a close up on these. Alright. What is this fried thing? Oh maybe.
I won't say that loud.
Five points to anyone who goes for it. And you still have three questions. Multicolor.
I'm smelling. I'm smelling my grandmother's skin. I'm smelling. Okay. I think. I'm smelling my grandmother's skin.
It's like fried goo. I don't know. It's like wet. Can't tell.
I'm gonna go. I think I'm gonna go for it. You're gonna go. You're gonna get. I'm gonna get.
Yes. Alright. Five points. It's. What do they call it? Like air. Like it's candy. And it's. What are they called? Oh.
You can both go. Go for it if you want.
But I'm second guessing why. So. What's that? It's just. I don't understand. What I want to say doesn't quite make sense for the shape of it. Yeah.
I'll also say this may hurt or help. This was also fried in the same oil as the moon pies. So some of the colors you're seeing may be moon pie remnants. But some may not be.
What are they called? Like sour straws? Like that? That's what I want to say. What did you say? Like sour straws.
Okay. Like um. But like sour strips. That's what I'm gonna. That's my guess. Okay. Five points. Uh. Yeah.
I think I have a guess. What is your guess? Blow pops?
I'm inclined to actually give it to Jillian. It's not. It's perfectly right.
But the answer is sour gummy worms. Which I think sour strips is probably crazy enough. That sounds fucking good though. I'm gonna eat that.
Yeah guys. You gotta give him a minute. Um. You know there were a lot more context clues for this. So Jillian first on the board. Wow. With a solid five points.
Wild.
That's really good. Yeah. What's. Better. This is the moon pie. So this is get on. Yes.
Look at this guy. He's got a little stretch to him.
I have not ever even seen this. I feel like I'm on an alien planet right now.
Yeah. It's only serving like a kid's move. Get your florts. Yeah. Florts here. Hot florts. Oh it's very sticky.
It's in my cavity. Like I have a cavity and it's just cementing itself inside of it. I don't want to fix my cavity. I'm going for you to go to a dentist and be like have a cavity. I have deep fried gummy worms stuck in my cavity doctor. Can you get it out of there?
All right. We're down to our last item. Jillian has a healthy lead. You know with that very good guess. So this is our last time. We only have one of this one. Jesus. Wow. So I could sabotage just straight up by asking a question right now you guys. That's true Jillian.
Well it's a whole fish. My guess is it's a whole fish.
And you're going for it? Yes. It is. I would have to agree. Zach is also saying a whole fish. Yeah. No I am going.
I know what this is. You know what this is? Yes. How do you know what this is? How on earth do you know what this is?
I guess I don't but I'm thinking figurine. What are you thinking?
Like a moon. Like that shit you win when you win that like the MTV movie. It's a trophy. It's like a yeah. It's a trophy. It's a moon man.
Since we only have one of these I'll let you walk in one guess. And whoever thinks they're most confident can go. Well now. Trophy. Stick to it.
Oh shit. It's a fucking like race car. Or some shit. Yeah Grant go with race car.
I don't know. What am I?
NASCAR race car.
Yeah I think it's like a man like this. One of our.
Is it like a webby from eight years ago that Jake and Amir won? Did you defry one of Jake and Amir's wars?
Probably. It's like who is an evil superhero? It looks like it's like a knight.
Oh what are you eating? He's eating the fucking gummy worms.
All right. What do we do now? There are a lot of things out there. Does anyone feel like they want to lock in an answer for themselves?
I'm just going to say action figure. Action figure.
Do you want to be more specific? Does that help me? Specifics are funnier.
I will say that it is an action hero. Like a superhero. Oh go ahead. I'm going to lock in my guess.
Did you defry that Game of Thrones figurine you had on your desk? This is that Game of Thrones figurine.
Whoever gives a shit. Yeah I was going to say like if Westworld had made characters out of those guys who put their heads. You know the other. So like that.
The techs who come in. The techs who come in wearing suits. You know those suits.
That's what you're pulling from Westworld. But I know that's what they haven't had nearly enough time to make action figures. But do you have a guess? It's an action figure. Do you want to get more specific?
I want to say a garbage man. A garbage man.
I'm going to bite it. You're going to bite it? It's deep fried Ned Stark I'm sure. It's so fucking heavy. Watch your cheek. Jesus Christ. Jesus don't bite so hard. Yeah you're going to uncover. It's like pulling out a crawdad.
It's Robocop. It is Robocop. It's deep fried Robocop. It is deep fried Robocop.
Oh good Christ. You took his hat off.
Sorry Robocop. This is the most violent part of Robocop.
Zach and Jillian both very close with superhero and action figure. Whatever. Both of those could be allowed.
I'll give you each half the points for Jillian in first place. Zach in second and Grant in third. Which brings us to these items. These are our prizes. Now Jillian since you've got the most points you'll get to choose first. But we have here three possible prizes. One is definitely better than the others. Jillian will get first choice. Zach will get second and Grant will get third.
I'm 100% going with the donut. Okay. Oh shit. I feel like it has to be. That is a donut. Fuck.
This is a creature's something. This is the object I showed the audience at the beginning. I think I know what this is.
I am going to choose this one. I guess this is the last one.
Alrighty. Oh god. Oh no. Okay. Well let's see what you want.
They might not all be food. This isn't food.
I thought bread. Jillian you want an English muffin?
Yes. Is that my credit card? Okay. Grant try not to tear that. Is this your credit card? I'll let you peel off a little bit more. Uh huh.
It reveals the part of the fun. I can't even reveal this. It's such a solid.
What? Oh god. Oh my god.
You deep fried an iTunes gift card. Yes it's an iTunes gift card.
Oh you monsters. Grant you got at least a number of points but somehow you got the best prize.
Is this a bottle opener? It is a bottle opener. A little can opener.
And that's it for what is this fried thing. Join us next time for whatever game we come up with next that makes my coworkers eat something gross. I'm going to use this. Biology. I revealed the code. This is great. You losers. Alright what is this fried thing?
Oh maybe uh fuck I won't say that loud. Five points to anyone who goes for it and you still have three questions.
Multicolored. I'm smelling my grandmother's skin. I'm smelling. Okay I think um. I'm smelling my grandmother's skin. It's like fried goo. I don't know. Your grandmother's skin is right. It's like wet. Can't tell.
I'm going to go. I think I'm going to go for it. You're going to go. I'm going to get.
Yes. Alright. Five points. It's uh what do they call it? Like um. Air. Like it's candy. And it's uh. What are they called? Oh um.
You can both go. Go for it if you want.
I'm second guessing why so. Okay. What's happening? It's just. I don't understand. What I want to say doesn't quite make sense for the shape of it. Yeah yeah. I'll also say this may uh hurt or help.
This was also fried in the same oil as the moon pies. So some of the colors you're seeing may be moon pie remnants. But some may not be. Moon pie remnants.
Were they called like sour straws? Like that? That's what I want to say. What did you say? Like sour straws.
Okay. Like um but like sour strips. That's what I'm going to. That's my guess. Okay.
Five points.
Uh. Yeah.
I think I have a guess. What is your guess?
Blow pops? I'm inclined to actually give it to Jillian. It's not. It's perfectly right but the answer is sour gummy worms. Which I think sour strips is probably close enough. Pretty close. That sounds fucking good though. I'm going to eat that.
Yeah guys. You gotta give him a minute. Um. You know there were a lot more context clues for this. So Jillian first on the board. Wow. With a solid five points.
Really good. Yeah, what's what's better?
This is a moon pie. So this is get on Look at this guy. He's got a little stretch to him.
I have not ever even seen this I feel like I'm on an alien planet right now This is only serving like a like a kid's move like a hot florist It's in my cavity like I have a cavity and it's just it's just cementing itself inside I have a deep-fried gummy worm stuck in my cavity doctor. Can you get it out of there?
All right, we're down to our last item Jillian has a healthy lead big, you know with that very good. Yes. So this is our last time.
We only have one of this one That's true well, it's a whole fish my guess is it's a whole fish Yes, I would I would have to agree Could be like a leechy I Don't know you sick bastards do I know maybe I'm trying to throw you off princess writing. Yeah, I have another guess that's You're guessing or you're asking a question. Hmm. We have one more question. I have a question.
Yeah Is it candy? It is knocking fuck. I almost guessed and it's handy It's it would have the two so two points now if anyone that wants to go for it Just smacking fried I think it's I'm gonna guess it's a it's the mozzarella ball I just want it to be anything you're guessing be mozzarella ball Okay, I have okay, I'm going to guess mushroom So no, I guess oh Okay, was he right All right, this grant you have this think about it. I definitely don't yes, I'm encouraging you so that you encourage me That's true This is a Water chestnut Not bad, but I also don't want to keep eating The lemons look how gross this looks it look yeah, they're looking pretty good This game is hard Close-up on these. All right. What is this Friday? Oh, maybe Five points anyone goes for it and you still three questions multicolored Okay, I think I'm smelling my grandmother's skin I'm gonna go. I think I'm gonna go for it. You're gonna go It's what do they got like Air like can't it's candy and it's What are they called Oh You can both go go for it if you like I'm second-guessing why so what's up? It's just I don't understand What I want to say doesn't quite make sense for the shape of it.
Yeah, I'll also say this may Hurt or help this was also fried in the same oil as the moon pies So some of the colors you're seeing maybe moon pie wrapped in remnants, but some may not be Like sour straws, okay, but like but like sour strips, that's my guess, okay Yeah, I think I have a guess what is your guess blow pops I'm inclined to actually give it to Jillian. It's not it's perfectly right But the answer is sour gummy worms, which I think sour strips is probably crazy You know there were a lot more No, I am going I know what this is, you know, what this is Like a moon like that shit you win when you win that like a TV it's a trophy. It's like a yeah, it's a trophy It's a moon man.
So if you only have one of these I'll let you eat walk in one guess and whoever thinks they're most confident Well now Shit It's a fucking like race car Or some shit. Yeah Grant go with race car. I don't know What am I a NASCAR race car?
Yeah, I think it's like a man One of our Like oh, it's like a webby from eight years ago. That's that Jake and Amir one Did you deep fry one of Jake and Amir's wards? It's like who's an evil superhero, you know, it looks like it's like a knight He's eating the fucking gummy worms Like they want to lock in an answer for them. I'm just gonna say action figure action figure. Do you want to be more specific? Does that help me Specifics are funnier I will say that it is an action hero like a superhero I'm gonna lock in my guess. Okay, did you deep fry that Game of Thrones figurine you had on your desk? Is this that this is that Game of Thrones figurine? Whoever Yeah, I was gonna say like if Westworld had made characters like But I know that they haven't had nearly enough time to make action So, but do you have a guess do before we Look at this guy he's got a little stretch to him.
I have not ever even seen this I feel like I'm on an alien planet right now It's in my cavity Like I have a cavity and it's just it's just cementing itself inside Gummy worm stuck in my cavity doctor. Can you get it out of there?
All right, we're down to our last item Jillian has a healthy lead You know with that very good guess so this is our last time we only have one of this one That's true It's a whole fish. My guess is it's a whole fish and you're going for it.
Yes, it is. I would I would have to agree No, I am going I know what this is, you know what this is yeah, how do you know what this how on earth? Do you know what this is?
I don't but I'm thinking figuring Like a moon like that shit you win when you win that like a TV. It's a trophy. It's like a yeah It's a trophy. It's a moon man.
So you only have one of these I'll let you eat walk in one. Yes, and whoever thinks they're most confident can go.
Well now Trophy oh shit It's a fucking like race car Or some shit. Yeah Grant go with race car. I don't know what I like NASCAR race car Yeah, I think it's like a man one of our Like oh, it's like a webby from eight years ago.
That's that Jake and Amir one Did you deep fry one of Jake and Amir's wards? It's like what's this? Who's an evil superhero? You know, it looks like it's like a knight He's eating the fucking gummy worms All right, what do we do a lot of things out there they would feel like they want to lock in an answer for them I'm just gonna say action figure action figure.
Do you want to be more specific? Does that help me? Specifics are funnier.
I will say that it is an Action hero like a superhero. Okay, I'm gonna say like it. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead.
I'm gonna lock in my guess Okay, did you deep fry that Game of Thrones figurine you had on your desk? Is this that this is that Game of Thrones figurine?
Whoever Yeah, I was gonna say like if Westworld had made characters like Those guys put their head, you know, they're so like like the techs who come in All right, so but do you have a guess do before we Do you want to get more specific? I want to say a Garbage man a garbage man.
All right, I'm gonna bite it. You're gonna bite it.
Yeah, it's deep fried Ned Stark.
I'm sure it's so fucking heavy Watch your cheek Jesus Christ Jesus don't bite so hard It's like pulling out a crawdad It's deep-fried Robocop Sorry, this is the most violent part of Robocop Zach and Jillian both very close with superhero Could be allowed I'll give you each half the points For Jillian in first place Zach in second and Grant in third which brings us To these items. These are our prizes now Jillian since you've got the most points you'll get to choose first But we have here three possible prizes. One is definitely better than the others Jillian will get first choice Zach will get Second and Grant will get third. I'm 100% going with the doughnut. Okay. Oh shit I feel like it has to that is a donut Going to choose this one All righty, um, okay. Well, let's let's see what you want. They might not all be food This isn't food. I thought Brad Jillian you want an English muffin? Yes Grant try not to tear that is this is this your credit card? I can't even reveal this Oh God You deep fried an iTunes gift card Is this a bottle of it is a bottle opener well can't open her And that's it for what is this fried thing? Join us next time for whatever game we come up with next that makes my co-workers eat something gross I'm gonna use this So fucking heavy Watch your cheek Jesus Christ Jesus don't fight so hard It's like pulling out a crawdad, it's Robocop Fried Robocop Sorry This is the most violent part of Robocop Zach and Jillian both very close with superhero Could be allowed I'll give you each half the points For for Jillian in first place Zach in second and Grant in third which brings us To these items. These are our prizes now Jillian since you've got the most points You'll get to choose first, but we have here three possible prizes. One is definitely better than the others Jillian will get first choice Zach will get Second and Grant will get third. I'm 100% going with the donut. Okay. Oh shit I feel like it has to be that is a donut fuck This is the object I showed I Am going to choose this one Alrighty, um, okay. Well, let's let's see what you want. They might not all be food Brad this isn't food. I thought Brad Jillian you want an English muffin.
Yeah Okay, Grant try not to tear that is this is this your credit card I can't even reveal this You deep fried an iTunes gift card Is this a bottle opener? It is a bottle opener. Well can opener.
And that's it for what is this fried thing? Join us next time for whatever game we come up with next that makes my co-workers eat something gross I'm gonna use this. I said I revealed the code. This is great |
dropout | hardly_working_overgrown_guy_girlfriend_4 | It's the overgrown guy girlfriend. Oh look like a whale Are you embarrassed? Those are our dishes and that's why this isn't working You have no idea what it means to be a couple.
It's just over like that. We're done.
Okay, well good luck on your own, you f**king a**hole Look at that slop I might still be a little wet I hate purple Tastes like ham. Yeah, I know I've been eating so much ham. I know I watched you Stop it Back rub? Yeah, how'd you like to be on your back with your legs over your f**king head? Oh stop, am I f**king your a**hole I'm f**king tickling your a**hole And you spit it back in my throat and I spit in your f**king chili cheese Fritos All over your oh my god.
I need some bread I'm coming to Jakey help me up No, gross What are you doing this weekend? Me? No, not you f**k it I called him a f**k it Go write something nice in my Facebook wall. Nice or inappropriate. Same thing. You know me Hey You're not talking to me anymore I'm not not talking to you. Yeah, you making matzo? No Whatever. I'm going to the bathroom Hey What are you trying to do? Don't act like you don't notice me noticing you. What do you want me to do? Nothing God It's my ham |
cracked | how_first_contact_will_be_screwed_up_by_our_military_we_re_not_alone_episode_1 | You better be serious. This is not protocol. Oh, I'm serious. This is serious despite what your pajamas would seem to suggest.
I came as soon as you called. What you said is true. Then you should have taken literally seconds to put on anything else. Carly. You saw it, right? On your way over?
That's ridiculous. Not anymore. It's not, baby. And as a director of an organization tasked with finding aliens, I find it a little disheartening that you think the possibility of aliens is so redic. What's that? It's short for ridiculous. It's the word you just said. It's not.
Oh, it's just another burst. The electromagnetic radiation from the light in the sky is the same each burst. It's the same signal with the same data embedded within it. They must have sent us a bunch in a series just to make sure we got it.
You started looking at any of it? No, because I'm bad at my job. Of course I have. Sit down! Okay, now, it's a lot to sift through.
This is a picture of Voyager. Nothing Earthmate has ever traveled farther than Voyager. This is a picture of Voyager.
And if that is Orion, then... That is us. Now, tell me what that means. It means we're getting pictures of all of humanity not taken by a human. It means something else took it. It means aliens. Let me hear it.
It means aliens. It means aliens! Aliens!
I'll get the binder! What binder?
Everyone. My mom. United Nations, actually. There's nothing about your mom in here. Fascinating.
So the aliens don't know we don't have our shit together? They're going to find out. What if they land in Syria or Florida? It says we need to inform them via secure telegram. Is that different than standard telegram, which I also don't know how to send? Okay. These are aliens trying to contact us. Why don't we just, you know, call the government or, like, the news? Because I don't have the number for the news, and protocol specifically says this is not about the United States. It's a global issue. Yeah. After we contact the UN, we need to conduct an investigation to find out the aliens...
Stance on free market economy, low government regulation, trickle down... Okay, this is a variable, doctor. There is so much in this signal. It's like equations I've never even... Or symbols I've never even seen before. Oh my God, imagine what we're going to learn. Or alien God, I guess. There's a lot of Reaganomics here.
Hey, when does it say that I can start contacting everybody I know? Hey, who's in charge here anyway? I am. Thank you, Toby. That'll be all for tonight. Commanding respect is all about first impressions. Having total control over how and when I enter a room is imperative. If I am to be running this operation from here on out, which is sure as you're born, I will be doing. In the field of situation room domination, controlled entrance is almost as important as, say, not wearing your pajamas today. And establishing a solid rapport with those to whom which you will be dictating orders. You are scientists, correct? Quasars, data sets, fox molders. Before establishing.
Okay, do not worry about when you will tell whomever you want to tell, because we have blocked all blockable forms of communication. Even secure telegram? No telegram is secure, son.
Read your Patriot Act. From here on out, this will be a full, confidential operation that I will be running on behalf of the U.S. government.
You have no right to just come in here. No right, sweetheart.
Fourteen tours. Ninety-seven dead heroes. I am lucky to call friends. And seven clandestine operations that you will never hear about. So that people like you can go on mixing your little fluids in your little science lab gave me the goddamn right.
Clear? Clear. Good.
Now, I am sorry that I called you sweetheart a second ago. Obviously, you are deserving of more respect than I initially showed you, but I haven't had a chance to learn your name yet. And I'm still trying to condition myself away from the cultural norm of referring to women using pet names. Also, I should not have belittled your career choice. The sciences are a fine profession full of tremendous innovation and some of the brightest people on the planet Earth. Thank you for your service.
Okay, what else? There is a binder, sir, with protocol.
Major Hawk, please relieve scientist number two of the documents. Scientist number one, I'm her boss. Then I would recommend not dressing like her child. Major Hawk, please throw away the documents.
Let me be clear. Everything you think you know about this situation is inconsequential to me. You are only here because I am allowing it. And I am only allowing it because...
No, obviously not. Find a blue bin... You've got 200 sheets of single-sided white stock and you're gonna throw it in the general trash? No!
We are trying to save the goddamn Earth, folks! What do we say? Little actions make big heroes! Bingo! Now, if you will, would you have to?
Please, follow me to the bunker. We don't have a bunker. Then let this be the first entry in a much larger file called Things I Know That You Don't. You have a bunker.
Hi, I'm Serena Fialo and I play Carly. Hi, I'm Tyler Puel and I play Andrew.
Thanks for watching. Please like this video and subscribe to this channel.
Yeah! You may think that we are actually still in an underground super secret bunker, but... Guess what? It's just a sound stage. We're the crew members. |
dropout | Should_We_Dine_and_Dash_Kingpin_Katie | Where the hell is our waiter with our check? I don't know, but this is getting ridiculous.
Yeah, right? Right? Yeah. I mean, hello?
We just want to give you our money. Hello. Do you not want to take our money?
I'm so pissed right now.
Yeah. Dude, I'm about ready to storm out of here without paying. Oh, hell yeah, dude. I dine and dash all the time. Yeah, you do. I do it all the time. Yeah. Because I do crazy. I'll dine and dash too. Yeah. Um.
So, how serious are you about dining? Because I want to gauge how serious you are because I'm fully about to do it. I'm ready to do it.
This is baby. This is goo-goo-gaga. Goo-goo-gaga.
We should stop that.
I'm ready. I wasn't ready.
I'm standing up. I'm standing up as we speak. Are you?
I'm just going to grab my baton. I'm just going to grab my purse. Okay. Got my baton. Not my purse.
Okay. And we're going to stand up? Yeah. Me too. I'm going to get ready. Here we go. Let's do it.
On three. Two.
We should do the same thing. Oh, okay. Because it's confusing. Okay.
On the count of three. On three. One, two, three.
Okay. Great. We did it. Oh, hey.
I'm sorry about the wait.
We're going to the bathroom. We both had to pee. And weirdly at the same time we're syncing up pee style?
Yeah. Okay. I don't have time for this, so I'll be right back. Be less weird. Wait.
We didn't even order any food.
No. So are we allowed to just leave? No.
Are we allowed to just leave?
Right. I guess it's just dashing? Yeah. Well, she did go out of her way to acknowledge us, so I feel like we can't just give her nothing. Right. Okay. Yeah.
I'll just, I'm going to just give her 40. I'll leave my credit card.
That's it! Dash! Go! Dash!
We got you! |
dropout | ace_and_jocelyn_part_3_j_a_archives | Welcome to episode 3 of Ace and Jocelyn, astronaut accountants from outer space. Ace and Jocelyn from space and Jocelyn, astronaut accountants and they're coming to your face. If you love that shit, say nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, hey! We're here alone in the space office and I have a feeling Ace will be back because you can't get very far without your space wallet or more specifically his space subway card. Now it's just a matter of time, co-space cowboys.
In fact, here he is right now! Ace!
You really gotta help me out, man. It really hurt my knee. You're actually bleeding. Yes, but it's space blood, so it hurts extra a lot.
Took my wallet, right? I found your wallet. It was the Zorlaps guy. The gravity here is so strong.
Alright, do you want me to help you out? I don't normally fall. Say my name and I'll help you. Ace, what's wrong? Say my real name and I'll help you. You're acting weird. Did somebody hit you with an amnesia? Go on Ace, please help me out. Listen, Amir, you're hurt. Say my real name and I'm gonna help you.
Turn the camera off first. No. I don't know how to edit. Turn it off. You don't have to upload it.
I wish that were true. It is true. Say my name. I'm in a lot of pain, Jake. Help me out. Here, I can't straighten my line. Thank you, Ace. Ah, it stings, it stings! I barely even touched it yet. You're right, Ace. I should be brave. |
CrackerMilk | youtube_hates_us | Hey guys, look I don't want to be here you two guys don't want to be here No one wants to be here, but we're here now. One of our videos has been age restricted like you probably know I'm like too depressed to even drink paint right now. You don't want any paint? No, like seriously, why the fuck is this age restricted?
It's just a like a play on words. I just want to get a guy's load Load of this guy. What we're gonna do now. We're just gonna put him straight on our patreon We got a bunch over on our patreon now that are too rude for YouTube So it's the best way you can support us and you know, how about fighting against YouTube? It's just it's just rough, you know, I'm fucking tired of YouTube fucking us in the ass Honestly, like it's exhausting constantly getting raw dogged by the fucking red boys up top.
I got a new duct tape tie That's right. I've made this entirely new.
It's how much did it cost me? Well with all the patents and stuff that I like invested in all the material How much did it cost you probably like about 13 grand 13 grand? You spent $13,000 of business money on the tie Looks good though, doesn't it?
So anyway over on our patreon, we've got extended podcasts. We've got behind the scenes We've got videos that are too rude to put on YouTube like that one just got age restricted and stuff. So I'd really like it if you guys would come over there and say hello. There's like a patreon chat as well we have a talkie and stuff and Honestly YouTube like I thought you were cool.
I thought you're Different You don't get it Get over there and get a load of that guy and bring it back over here Yeah, it's a hot fucking steaming load the fuck else what I mean I don't think I want to do that. I'm a dangerous fucking guy |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_geraldo_rivera_reporting_from_somalia_saturday_night_live | Now here with news on the situation in Somalia is Fox News Reporter Geraldo Rivera. Tina, I'm here in Mogadishu. it's the second stop on Geraldo Rivera's Tour of Terror. some of you may be familiar with this sorry, sorry city which has been turned into a nightmarish roadmap to terror. early this morning, a Somali sniper started shooting at me after they heard that I was here. apparently familiar with my award-winning work on Geraldo's Tour of Terror. now all the people here in this quaint Somali village are following me around. They're chatting: Geraldo, Bumbayee, Geraldo, Bumbayee, which apparently is an ancient Somali term meaning Geraldo, you sexy man. Geraldo.
Are the Somali terrorists trained by Osama Bin Laden? Tina let me answer that. just moments ago. the beast of a thousand scales, the prince of dastardly deeds himself. Uh, Osama Bin Laden was here moments ago. Wait, okay, wait a minute. You actually met with Osama Bin Laden? Osama was here. I had him in a headlock. Uh, I hit Osama. I kicked him in his dastardly groin, and he and I briefly exchanged fisticuffs before Osama started screaming. Oh Geraldo, you sexy man. come on Geraldo. That could not have been Osama Bin Laden. According to Pentagon sources, he's nowhere near Somalia. Tina, If that's true, I'm truly sorry.
Uh, mistakes are made when you're on a tour of terror. Uh, uh, There's terror everywhere. Uh, I call them terror errors. Uh, these are errors that are on a tour of terror.
Uh, hold on Tina, I've just been informed. Uh, hold on. Oh, I've just been informed that people here in Mogadishu have declared me their king. Apparently I am now their supreme ruler. Uh, they're going to rename Mogadishu. They're going to call it Geraldo, you sexy manville from Mogadishu On the Tour of Terror Geraldo Rivera Fox News. |
dropout | josh_s_mindhouse_goblin | JOSH'S MIND-THOUST BANG!
Now I know everyone's got something to say How's my cast supposed to produce mail for that as goblin scaring it?
Now I know ya everyone's all frightened and scared and all jibberly jammed Let's take it one at a time, please Abigail, you first I see it in my backyard It's my own life He's scurried by with his claws and his teeth He's slimy, he's just patting them over Who can use a hat?
No, I seen him too Yeah, I went out to my hen house last Thursday I wasn't sure what I was looking at at first and then I saw something early What the hell?
AHHHHHHH This demon just chomping away at all my cluckers There's a woman I'm acquainted with And now she is a circus AHHH It's beautiful She has tight ends Ohhh I'll get those visions I see her She is so scared AHHH AHHH I see AHHH A cave She's She's by Red River By the Red River That's the cave by the Red River I know where that is AHHH Please Please Let me reason with this creature Ain't no reason with a goblin She may look like a demon but she's got a human heart Just give me a minute Okay Okay Hello little goblin girl Come out my girl AHHH AHHH AHHH AHHH |
dropout | bad_polling_is_ruining_everything_hardly_working | Surprise! I threw Goldberg machines! So, now I've been back at College Humor for a little bit, I have commissioned one of the country's leading polling companies to create for me a survey, which I would love for you all to fill in. Heck yeah, I love surveys! And, if you hand it back to me by the end of the day, you will be entered into a raffle to win $5 off your next $100 purchase of Chomsky's chips. Hell yeah, I love winning.
Siobhan, this question. How glad are you that Siobhan is back? A, very glad, B, overjoyed, C, I just peed with happiness. And? I know my answer. Chop, chop!
Siobhan, this is a bad poll. There's no negative answer here, okay? So, you're going to get skewed results. You have to let me say that I'm not happy you're back. You're not happy I'm back? That's not the point. This is bad science. You need to give people a chance to answer negatively, otherwise the poll will be faulty. Well, then don't answer it, okay?
More Chomsky's for me. Okay, well, just skip this question and then answer the next question. The next question is very, very scientific and unbiased or whatever. Okay, fine. I want my Chomsky's. Siobhan. Chap.
100% of puppy murderers agree that it's bad that Siobhan is back. Do you agree with these morally decrepit people on this, and possibly other subjects? Turns out I poll very badly with puppy murderers. Whoo! Was I sad when I got that poll back? So anyway, are you one of them or one of us? I would never agree with a puppy murderer.
This test is easy, not like math at all. Stupid math. You're not the boss of me. I'm not answering this.
This is bad science. You know I hate bad science.
Next question. I can't answer this. Why? It's the simple yes or no answer.
Are you happy Siobhan is back? A, yes, I am a good friend. B, no, and I'm also one of those secret Nazis hail Hydra.
Yeah, Chap. Chap.
I'm not a secret Nazi, am I? I mean, I would know if I was, right? Wouldn't I? Oh, gosh. Raf and Ali don't seem to have any problem with it. I don't see why you should. Yeah, heads up, I've just been saying B for everything because I'm not really invested in this.
I have a problem with it because bad polling is ruining everything. They're just scientific enough for idiots to believe them, and at best they had nothing to society. At worst, they're the source of evil manipulative propaganda, okay? They're always fucking wrong.
And yes, Nate Silver beat me at Model UN when I was in high school, and I'm still not over it, okay? Fucking Nate Silver wins polls. Can you win at Model UN? Yeah, sure, that seems real.
Why did you come back anyway? Oh, it's because I spent all of my money on polls. It turns out I'm incredibly needy. |
TheOnion | Maximize_Your_Brainpower_By_Firing_Every_Neuron_At_Once | If we could maximize our brain's functions we could become more creative, more productive and more effective in our day to day lives. Now I've spent the better part of my career trying to unlock the true potential of the human mind and well I keep coming back to this question, what if we could fire every neuron in the brain at the same time, increase the power of the mind by allowing every possible electrical reaction to occur simultaneously, how would that work? This simple device makes it happen, whenever I want to unlock my inner genius I just press this button and just like that my brain is firing on all cylinders, now what is a neuron? Well a neuron is a cell that's electrically excitable, it's a cell that processes and transmits information to other cells, okay, but what does it actually do? Now think of it like this, neurons are the gas that our brains run on and would you drive across country on half a tank? No, the secret to this device is that it allows every neuron in the brain to fire at the exact same time, now let's say that, let's say what, I've got an important speech to give, I'd like to be on top of my game, I would fire my neurons, let's say that I have a painting and I'd like to finish but I can't find the inspiration, I would fire my neurons and so what is happening is that I'm experiencing every human emotion possible at the same time. Now tomorrow I have a big day, I have to prepare for an important meeting in the morning, I need to pick the kids up from school, I have to meet my wife for dinner to celebrate our anniversary, I have to finish a draft of a new book that I'm working on. Our attentions are constantly divided in this way and we want to give every single thing 110% of our focus and that is why we fire our neurons. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_star_trek_catan | Welcome to Bleep Bloop. I'm Jeff Rubin here with Jared Logan and Pat Cassels.
Today we are playing Star Trek Catan because, frankly, no one really cares what we do in here. It's mostly a reskinning of regular Catan. So instead of settlements, you have Outposts. Instead of cities, you have star bases.
But the one new rule is that there's these character cards. And they're the characters from original Star Trek, not next gen, so we got Kirk, Bones, Spock. The whole gang is here. But it's the movie.
So we get the fat middle-aged version. This is not Kirk and his prime at all. It's like a bad 80s haircut.
In a four-player game, the oldest player receives the A4 card, then the player on the right receives the A3 card. In a three-player game, the oldest player receives the A3 card.
I think I maybe, how old are you? I'm 33. You are Spock. You're the oldest. Hell yeah. I think I'm thinking of a worse place to have to admit your age than my age. So I think I'm older than Pat, so I'm A2, which looks like Scotty. Yeah.
Well, boy, that's a real come down from Spock, huh? Well, no, I'm sorry. I just think it needs to be a warf card because force trade, that kind of aggression, we're just apologizing to. I think the Klingons were enemies at this point in the Federation's history. This is too apologize.
Exactly. Complete blasphemy. So I roll both the thing, and we're at six. Oh, what do you know? My planet is a six. Boom. Oh, my god. This is great. And so is this planet, right? Yes. So what, do I get one of each? Contacting Jared's starship for trade negotiation. On screen.
We're interested in food and water. We have dilithium. Well, you plan poorly if you have dilithium and no food. I'll give you a water for a tritanium. Do you have any of that? Okay, but that's what I want. I'll give you two dilithiums for a water. Two dilithiums for a water. Wow. Dude, I'm rolling in dili, so. I don't really need two dilithiums. Tritanium or no dice.
In transmission, you'll regret this, Kirk. Do I keep rolling things that I have no interest in at all? Yep, I sure do. I have no eight. It's so funny, the way we're talking, we're so like, we're sort of that weird game zen that like, just to hear Kirk, imagine Kirk talking this way, and he's making decisions like, what work do I want to do, maybe? What work should we do? How many, excuse me, Mr. Spock, how many oxygens do we have?
What is the key to being a great dungeon master? You know, the key is, some people say it's prepped, but that's not what it is. The key is improvisation.
Why do all players play on the same side as the Federation? Wouldn't it have made more sense to let them compete with each other? The Federation, the Klingons, the Romulans, perhaps the Cardassians or the Ferengi, it's like, yeah, we get it. So I just list like 18 different regions? As a matter of fact, it isn't always love and peace and harmony between the races within the Federation. There are countless examples of conflicts within the Federation that involve intrigue, power, riches, and ideology. For this reason, it even is self-evident that the players act as different members of the Federation. The idea that Klingons, Romulans, and the Federation peacefully coexist in one space sector is almost absurd given that we are at the time of cold war between the Klingons and the Federation.
Fuck you, dude. With a neutral zone and no diplomatic contact with the Romulans. Not only do I have a rationale, but your question is absurd. |
cracked | the_6_least_necessary_sequels_to_viral_videos_does_not_compute | Hey everybody and welcome to another bizarrely similar episode of does not compute. I'm your host man sausage filling in for sausage man with my Man sausage with me as always is my co-host clips of my robot wife How you do and moon of my life who I sometimes call clippy That's how she says yes, or I hope it is otherwise wife was kind of a Mischaracterization of our relationship if I hadn't have punctured my erecting chamber with toothpicks I would be so robo roused right now speaking of the sensation of getting stabbed in the genitals Today's topic is the nine least necessary follow-ups to viral hits when Andy Warhol imagined a future where everyone got 15 minutes of fame He probably didn't imagine that most of us would find a whole 15 minutes kind of hard to fill Yes, although this man was able to enthrall 45 million people with his strangely trapezoidal mouth even that kind of magic wears off after like 12 12 and a half minutes, so it's only natural that a popular video creator would try to Stretch their fame out a little cash in on their success.
There's nothing wrong with that Right.
I wonder oh Numa Numa's get jiggy with it Which is the timeliest reference that video deserves as you probably well know After the Numa Numa sequel preempted the Super Bowl and became our national anthem Numa guy Gracefully bowed out of the limelight with an animated version a guy co-ad an entire YouTube Network dedicated to making more Numa Numa videos and a video where he gets kidnapped and you have to click on a link to Save his life which coincidentally was also my plan to make everybody miss me in the seventh grade Speaking of seventh grade. Here's a rote description of it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it sure we all remember the song Rap breakdown we got it anyway There was a second one of those and it was huge and she formed that super group and you know her second song was all About how no, uh haters. This is Rebecca's moment. She's in it for the long haul because of her talent And that's the last thing you ever need to remember about Rebecca black next Although at least what's her name who have already forgotten about stayed true to her message Which I can't recall tae Zonday sold his heartfelt him to black history to diet chocolate cherry Dr. Pepper for the chance to touch real girls even raps about getting paid a hefty fee and Shepherds a poo storm across the Upper Midwest cold Tae just like Coke zero the only pop that coldens itself from the inside out until it is zero degrees That's what they told me even worse than the sellouts are the hopelessly delusional Those who think they've been thrown into the public eye because they have an important uplifting message to deliver to the world even if the message is the opposite of You know your message I am not a Comedy genius always rap breakdowns do leave a lot to be desired.
Ain't my cornhole, huh? Yeah boy break it down Of course if you're looking for delusion go no further than he the internet has dubbed douche quad bike presumably because the sight of his Quads cleans vaginas right out like a bike his first video had feats of strength a heartfelt plea to a lost love and even more heartfelt annotations Pushing you to his follow-up video his audition tape for the Captain America movie How shallow are we as a people to judge others only by how they look? So this guy spent nine months making a video to win back his ex-girlfriend Failed and then thought I should aim higher. I salute the mr.
Quad bike and I look forward to your next video explaining why you should be president of earth Finally we come to the innermost circle of the hell that is viral success internet stage moms imagine You're just an innocent child Blithely enjoying the crap out of some Justin Bieber cruelly torturing your siblings or getting whacked out on some great a dope Thanks to your Dennis connect. All right, I guess Innocence doesn't apply in every case still that doesn't make it okay to go around filming Everything your kid does for the rest of their lives. Just hoping they'll score you some more of that sweet Google ads money It's wrong and you know why cuz it's frickin boring as hell Take the follow-up video for David after Dennis for example David's about to go get his extra tooth taken out. Oh good It's a prequel so we get to see what the funny drugs up kid is like not on drugs And what his dad's nose looks like on the inside plus of course there's a production title now and t-shirts for sale Yeah, dad cuz that's what everyone was missing from the home movie of your kid on drugs Vector art it's like they made a Star Wars prequel, but it wasn't even about the Star Wars It was just some character. We never heard of paddling around with a kid to get money from suckers. It's sad. You know These people's lives thrown totally off course posting Follow-up after follow-up episode hoping to recapture What you know? Some kind of magic Made life seem a little brighter Thanks, baby, you always know just what to say well that about does it for this episode folks I've been your host droid Michael Swaim, and this has been does not compute allow me to show you everything |
SaturdayNightLive | tyrone_green_s_art_opening_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, please, if I could have your attention. As you know, every fall we here at the Felice Sloan Duchamp Gallery take pride in debuting the creme de la creme of the New York art scene. and that is why it is today. With great joy, I introduce to you that Harlem Renaissance man, the artistic mouthpiece of the Black community, artist, poet, and felon, author of the famed Kill My Landlord, Phil! Thank you, Felice, for whatever your damn name is. I'm going to let you bougie White people know something. I'm in here speaking to y'all, but I don't like being here talking to your bougie white trash. I speak for such candor, brotherly Director. I'd rather be at home on my houseboat on the Harlem River than be from your people creating my art. Well, Tyrone, why don't we just go around here piece by piece and you can describe some of your work. Ok, bitch.
I call this one Rodney Johnson's bad luck. Mr. Green, what does this represent? You want to buy this painting, man? Well, yes, we were considering it for our study. what does it represent? it represented Rodney Johnson's no longer has his radio and his sneakers and his Fritos is gone. Well, what exactly was Mr. Johnson's bad luck? He fell asleep on my couch when I was in the bad mood. What a concept.
Now, Tyrone, I believe that this piece is entitled Sleeping Security Guard at the Amp. Now, can you tell us a little bit about it? it's just that. security guard fell asleep at the Amp, so he no longer had his whistle and his badge and his hat is gone. the situation is also as such.
Brilliant, that is art. the man is clearly a genius, but this is the greatest work since Warhol, and it really is. Tyrone, tell us, what was your inspiration for this? this is my favorite one. I call it smart-ass White Boy Blues. I got the inspiration when I was coming home from work the other day, and I saw this smart-ass white boy. I thought I'd bring him down. So his situation is also as such, as you can see.
Well, everybody, now we'd like to open the floor to some questions. Mr. Green, Mr. Green, Mr. Green. have you ever considered studying in Paris or, say, one of the other major art capitals of the world? No, I hate Puerto Ricans. Mr. Green, Mr. Green, you're obviously such a renaissance man. you paint, you write poetry. what's next for you? windsurfing. And I'm currently writing a screenplay. Oh. oh, exciting. How did you get interested in conceptual art? I was living with a white woman much like yourself, and her husband died. he had many paint, brushes and sets of glue about the house.
Tyrone, now everyone here knows that you're most famous for writing Kill My Landlord. Do you suppose that you could recite that for us? Oh, please do. please, Tyrone. No! shut up!
But I will recite my latest poem that I wrote about you, Bougie, White, Trash, scum. it's called I Hate White People by Tyrone Green. I hate the sunlight and I hate the night. I hate white people because they is white. their hair is wavy, their lips is thin. But worse than white women, I hate white men. walking around with briefcase and money. bust their head open. mine ain't that funny. not out of anger and not out of spite. I just hate white men because they is white.
W-i-t-e. Oh. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Melbourne_Brisbane_Aussie_Larrikins_Much_More_26_06_20 | How are you Errol? Yeah good Clancy, always good to be back in the Budgie Smuggler booth, a cramped three square meters in here with me, you and Wendell Hussey. The Diamond Tienishai is Shane Webke when he read the weather. How are you Wendell? Yeah very well. How are you traveling? Not too bad at all.
Much better than Melbourne apparently. What's going on in the news? Well Melbourne's been taking their most European city vibe to a whole nother level. Yes, as we pointed out in our live show to no laughter, they've always had a bit of a European vibe down there in the southern capital. Of course the architecture is a lot more Victorian in the British sense of the word. The sun sets a lot later and they're obviously terrified of African teenagers. But there's something else about Victoria, Melbourne particularly this week that makes it even more European.
They are riddled with coronavirus. Yes, bizarre what's happening down there, how they couldn't contain it considering it was Sydney that took that boatload of boomers from New Zealand that were obviously infected and the Ruby Princess. But the virus has run wild in Melbourne through clusters, workplaces, retirement homes and schools.
Yeah it's not looking good and there was a comment on our Instagram from an account named Pexinthecity that said, I'm surprised Queenslanders even know what the internet is. I'm assuming he's an angry Melbournian there? Melbourneite I think they go by and yes he probably is because that saltiness could only come from that far south. And we do have the internet pecs in the city because we keep getting updated on how fucked you guys are every single day. In some other Australian city centric news now and Brisbane residents have fired up the mushroom heaters as temperatures dip below 25 degrees Celsius. Yes it's getting a bit cold down there in the mighty brown snake and if there's one thing Queenslanders hate more than full-strength beer it's cold weather. Our Brisbane reporter told us that the city's residents were frantically rushing around to grab their Kathmandu puffer jackets and dust off the old outdoor heaters. So if you're a listener in that part of the world we hope you stay rugged up.
And some music news now, Sting has announced a reunion tour after misinterpreting desperate calls to reform the police. That re-prefix is a real tricky one isn't it Wendell? Certainly is, I've been done with the resign, re-sign thing quite a few times. Yes that's why you're still here. Well it's gotten the better of iconic British rock group The Police, who have decided to hit the road again after seeing all of the signs calling for the police to reform. I guess it's fairly understandable that their brains are a bit frazzled now after all the tours and the lives in general that famous musicians lead. But yes they're back after ripping the tarp off an old tour bus with flat tires, Sting reportedly declared they want the police to reform. They got it, we're reforming baby. Well if you ask this old baby boomer I reckon they should de-fund that branch of the police. I don't think that really matters because they made $360 million last reunion tour in 2007 so if anything I think they're going to get a big, big hit of funding when they hit the road again.
Next up and the Aussie larrikin is dead says the last two **** on earth you'd invite to the pub. You wrote this one Clancy you wouldn't enjoy a 2016 Margaret River Shiraz with Andrew Bolton Rowan Dean? No not at all, I don't think many people would. In fact they would be the last two **** on earth that most people would invite to the pub. Andrew Bolton Rowan Dean have teamed up on Sky News to dissect what they claim is the death of the Aussie larrikin by speaking to some washed up, no-name, talentless dealer celebrities whose fingers are so far from the pulse that the larrikin could well be dead.
And they'd have no fucking idea. You know I came into work the day after you published that one Clancy and I was expecting to get an email from our legal department but nothing. We didn't even get a peep out of Andrew Bolt so I reckon you would be well in the clear to publish your follow-up article on that which I believe is quite a graphic recount of Andrew Bolton Rowan Dean engaging in a 69 complete with one grab from the article I'm saying squirted his man jam down Andrew's throat. That's very, very larrikin rhetoric you're throwing around there Errol. And you know what?
I certainly doubt that these blokes have ever really spent much time on the roadside with shovel in hand around the larrikins that they think are dead. I guess basically what they're saying is they can't make racist jokes on national television anymore so Australia is now lacking a sense of humour. But I just don't think they're in touch with the everyday Aussie.
They spend their Friday afternoons drinking red wine. They've got the red wine teeth and they, you know, if you did go to the pub with them you would live in fear of being murdered and having your skin ripped off your body and they'd wear it like a mask while they play Madonna and pull their dicks in front of the mirror.
Now I can say that because I'm a larrikin but I just want to remind them that the larrikin is not dead. We'll finish with some local news and a private school man has regaled his private school friends with a story about private school. That sounds like what you get at the pub with Andrew Bolton Rowan Dean to be honest. There's a million of these kinds of stories and they're always told by the same type of person, you know, those big forehead looking fucks. Anyway, this story in particular from this article comes from this finance analyst called Toby who said, Oh boys, do you remember the time we all drove our gulps onto the school oval and pumped 50 Cent through the speakers? Ha! What a laugh. Does sound hilarious. Of course they didn't have to live by 50 Cent's motto which was get rich or die trying because they were born rich without trying. A good note to finish on there.
That's all I've got in front of me for this week. We'll be back again in seven days time to bring you all of the biggest stories from another week in news.
Until then, my name is Wendell Hussey. My name is Errol Parker. And I'm Clancy Oberlin.
Wash your hands. For Union Tour in 2007. So if anything, I think they're going to get a big, big hit of funding when they hit the road again.
Next up and the Aussie larrikin is dead says the last two c*** on earth you'd invite to the pub. You wrote this one Clancy, you wouldn't enjoy a 2016 Margaret River Shiraz with Andrew Bolton, Rowan Dean? No, not at all. I don't think many people would. In fact, they would be the last two c*** on earth that most people would invite to the pub. Andrew Bolton, Rowan Dean have teamed up on Sky News to dissect what they claim is the death of the Aussie larrikin by speaking to some washed up no-name talentless dealer celebrities whose fingers are so far from the pulse that the larrikin could well be dead. And they'd have no fucking idea.
You know, I came into work the day after you published that one, Clancy, and I was expecting to get an email from our legal department, but nothing. We didn't even get a peep out of Andrew Bolt.
So I reckon you would be well in the clear to publish your follow up article on that, which I believe is quite a graphic recount of Andrew Bolton, Rowan Dean engaging in a 69 complete with one grab from the article. I'm saying squirted his man jam down Andrew's throat. That's very, very larrikin rhetoric you're throwing around there, Errol. And you know what?
I certainly doubt that these blokes have ever really spent much time on the roadside with shovel in hand around the larrikins that they think are dead. I guess basically what they're saying is they can't make racist jokes on national television anymore, so Australia is now lacking a sense of humor. But I just don't think they're in touch with the everyday Aussie.
They spend their Friday afternoons drinking red wine. They got the red wine teeth and they, you know, if you did go to the pub with them, you would live in fear of being murdered and having your skin ripped off your body. And they'd wear it like a mask while they play Madonna and pull their dicks in front of the mirror.
Now, I can say that because I'm a larrikin, but I just want to I just want to remind them that the larrikin is not dead. We'll finish with some local news and a private school man has regaled his private school friends with a story about private school. That sounds like what you get at the pub with Andrew Bolt and Rowan Dean, to be honest. There's a million of these kinds of stories and they're always told by the same type of person, you know, those big forehead looking fucks. Anyway, this story in particular from this article comes from this finance analyst called Toby who said, Oh, boys, do you remember the time we all drove our ghosts onto the school oval and pumped 50 Cent through the speakers? Ha! What a laugh. Does sound hilarious. Of course, they didn't have to live by 50 Cent's motto, which was get rich or die trying because they were born rich without trying. A good note to finish on there.
That's all I've got in front of me for this week. We'll be back again in seven days time to bring you all of the biggest stories from another week in news. |
TheOnion | Report_Economy_Just_One_Speech_Away_From_Recovery | An asshole is rewarded for his asshole behavior by business community leaders. Disgruntled bandmates worry Rivers Cuomo's wife is becoming the fifth Weezer, and an area man is too poor to afford movers too old to get help from his friends. Nothing you are about to hear will be translated as this video transcends the barriers of ethnicity, creed, language, and mortality. This is the Onion Week in Review.
This week a report issued by experts at the Bureau of Economics confirmed the American economy is just one great speech away from a full recovery. The analysis group's study showed that a 45 percent increase in passionate rhetoric about the GDP will greatly improve the overall strength of the U.S. economy. If Obama is able to deliver a stirring, memorable address to the American public, I'd expect unemployment to fall to rates lower than we saw in the early 2000s. I mean, at that point we would only need a few strongly worded sound bites to usher in a new era of prosperity in the United States.
A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center confirmed the vast majority of Americans simply want to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, entertained, thin, and romantically fulfilled at absolutely all times. The survey, which also reported that Americans want to be healthy, fulfilled, successful, and constantly energized, conclusively found that people across the country want seasonably warm summers, easy weight loss options, and no more wars, along with a soulmate, unconditional love from their parents, and a big happy dog. Isn't that outrageous to want high quality goods to be manufactured and sold cheaply right here in the USA? And what about racial equality? Enough time to catch up on all the TV shows I've been meaning to watch. Access to public libraries, a decent prison system, a new Wes Anderson movie. Strong manufacturing sector, affordable beachfront property, healthy fast food. I don't want to pay library fines, I don't want to die, I don't want to wait in traffic. I want to lose weight without having to exercise, low taxes.
In a statement this week, famed actor and television icon Dick Van Dyke confessed to being the Zodiac Killer, responsible for terrorizing Northern California in the late 1960s and early 1970s. The 85-year-old actor, known for his television and film appearances in classics such as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Mary Poppins, and The Dick Van Dyke Show, said he committed the canonical five Zodiac murders but also killed over 37 additional people. In a statement Van Dyke said, quote, It was unbelievably easy for me to go kill someone, come back to Burbank and get on set.
It was actually part of the fun to see if I could book a flight and make it back in time. Van Dyke's confession is corroborated by several eyewitnesses describing the Zodiac Killer as, quote, And in this week's Op-Ed pages, a man suggests the footage of Neil Armstrong playing saxophone on the moon was totally staged. In other news, the open dialogue two Americans are having about race is pretty hilarious. A husband is experimenting with an open marriage, and a fucking loser is at a movie all by himself. This episode of The Onion Week in Review was paid for, funded, and entirely created by The Onion, and in no way benefited from cheap, thankless viewers like you. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheOnion | 2_Year_Old_Donkey_Called_Up_To_Pro_Donkey_Basketball_League | Let's turn to donkey basketball news. Today's scraps, a two-year-old mammoth jack donkey from Lawrence, Kansas, who has played just five fundraisers, has been tapped by scouts to move directly up to Class A Midwest Donkey Basketball League play. This morning, he was signed by Dairyland Donkey Ball for a record 50 pounds of feed corn per day. Senior Onion News Network sports analyst Reggie Greengrass joins us now to fill us in on this donkey scraps. Reggie, how good is scraps? Michael, scraps is one of the best players to come along in donkey basketball in a long, long time.
He rarely bucks, he never flinches at balls thrown to his rider, and he has an innate ability to always trot towards the right basket. He's only 15 months old, is that right? It's unbelievable. When the cameras start flashing, you know, most donkeys become confused, they'll lie down, they'll run out of the gym. Scraps has never done that. But does he have the maturity level, because he's used to 4-H fundraisers, one-off tournaments, now he's gonna be playing in front of crowds of, say, 200-300 people. Absolutely. And we've seen what can happen when a young gifted donkey is suddenly thrust into that spotlight.
Well, sure, I mean, just two years ago, of course, there was nubbins. Nubbins, sad story.
He signs on to play in the big leagues, but he's not ready mentally. Refuses to eat, drops 10 pounds, he ends up tethered to a trailer out back, and of course, now he's in a petting zoo in Branson.
Well, do you think scraps can avoid going down that path? Michael, I spoke with legendary Dairyland coach Johnny Kornkopf Bennett this morning. He says he's got a plan to keep scraps on the straight and narrow.
He's gonna have him training with the team, but he's also gonna have him stabled with them. That way, he becomes accustomed to their smell. When they actually hit the court, he won't be as skittish.
And this just isn't any team we're talking about here. For most people, Dairyland donkey ball is donkey basketball.
You got that right. It's the kind of break most donkeys would dream about if they dreamt it all. And he'll be playing alongside Hee Haw, Mr. Fred. You said it. That's thrilling for a young Jack. Oh, yeah.
Sounds like you're sold on scraps. I am absolutely sold, Michael. Once you've seen scraps play live, you know he's the real deal. I had the chance to do so last week, and I was in absolute awe of this donkey's moves. And hey, I've seen a lot of donkeys move, Michael. Yes, you have. Thank you, Reggie. We'll be keeping our eye on scraps. |
dropout | hardly_working_twilight_bros | Yo Murph. Yo, what's up, bro? How was the weekend? That was all right.
My girlfriend kept trying to get me to see Twilight with her Seriously? What is it with chicks in that movie? Dude, I don't know. To me It's just a bunch of pale sissies running around playing grab-ass. Right, and their skin twinkles in the sunlight?
That's bullshit That's not even a real vampire. Badass vampires aren't sissies who go to high school And they certainly don't fall in love with flat-bitch teenagers. Yo, what does a vampire even have in common with a high school girl? If it's a Twilight vampire, they're period Right? Yo, and Edward only drinking animal blood is so gay. Dude, do you think he's been doing that for the entire 108 years? He's been a vampire. I mean, how did he even protect Bella for as long as he did? Well, look at the competition, man Tracker vampires.
Oh Really shows how hopeless you are when the strongest member of your group is James. Coming, not group. Oh, right, right Look, all I'm saying is that you shouldn't need to bring a Jasper and Emmet just to kill James No, if we're talking shit into Collins, you know, I gotta mention that ornamental cross. Oh, bro.
Exactly You know Bella actually brings up the irony in that in the book just goes to show you all the liberties They took with the movie. I mean they could have used the film to enhance the book and showed Edward and Jacob fighting Oh, that would have been so badass. I would love to see Jacob rip that pussy apart Bro, you actually say that Jacob could beat up Edward. Well, I don't think there's any denying that Yeah, except the fact that Edward could read Jacob's mind and predict every movie is gonna make even if he predicted every movie was gonna make He'd still have his bone shattered by the massive power. That is Jacob. Edward's skin is as hard as stone Werewolves are stronger than stone What are you guys fighting about football |
dropout | hardly_working_star_wars_fantasy | Sorry Thanks for breaking me out of that detention bay No problem your worshipfulness. You know we still have a few hours before we reach Alderaan. What do you want to do to pass the time? Actually that's really sweet but Alderaan was destroyed in A New Hope and we're doing Empire Strikes Back right now so Sorry That's okay. That's okay. Let's just, you know, take it again The voyage sure is hot here on Hoth. I better take off my robe Go right ahead if you want to freeze to death because Hoth is an ice planet. God what are you thinking? It's below freezing in this system Okay, fine.
So, you know, why don't you warm me up using the Force? Which version of Star Wars did you watch? Okay, because Han never becomes a Jedi.
Okay, that's Luke. Okay, my mistake General I'm a captain. Actually, don't you remember? I made you a general right before the Battle of Endor That hasn't happened yet. Okay, fine.
Then where are we? We're in the Bespin Cloud City, okay? Me C-3PO and Chewie have just met Lando Calrissian Pretty sexy clouds What are you doing here? Lando is about to turn us over to Darth Vader. Get out of here I'm not even in the scene No, get out of here. Run and take C-3PO with you So why'd you even imagine me? Hello Lando, old friend Why you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler, you've got a lot of nerve coming here Snap out of it You okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Oh man, Star Wars, I love Star Wars. Return of the Jedi is my favorite Yeah, you know, my favorite part is when Boba Fett dies and Starlight paid Oh my god, me too But you know what I like more is the fact that he doesn't die But prepares his jetpack, escapes, and is in no respect to Hope by Dangar or Tails of the Bounty Hunter He's an idiot She's right |
cracked | why_we_ll_never_get_a_great_caveman_video_game_escort_mission | Aw, come on, that's too much! Don't shoot Bambi's mom! Damn it, now I gotta find another one! Why can't you just be a decent guy and focus on killing people? Settle down. I'm supposed to hunt this deer.
I needed skin to upgrade my hut. That and two rhino skins, which, I gotta say, is gonna look ill. I agree. Having rhino-like skin would make you look very diseased.
So, what is this? Jumanji? Oh, too soon.
It's Far Cry Primal, a game set back in the Stone Age. And I'm a caveman trying to help my people.
No guns, no Super Soldier BS, just me and my tools. So, pretty much your standard Saturday night. So, what do you do? Just hunt and gather all day? Oh, okay.
Alright, this game is f***ing awesome though. Right? Yeah, it's like a really authentic caveman experience.
Whoa, that is a gnarly way to die. Well, it was a more barbaric time. So you just run around and kill indiscriminately?
Oh god, you're not using his skin to make your hut, are you? No.
They're a warring tribe. Most of the game is you trying to set your particular tribe up to flourish in the ancient world. But, of course, there are other tribes you have to kill or they'll exterminate. So, do you, like, visit the local shaman and get a raid together to go take out some rival chieftains?
Actually, every time I visit the shaman I end up drinking brains and having a bad trip where I'm a mammoth escaping some pagan ritual. In third person! Hashtag cave people problems, right?
Nope, not supporting that. So, wait, then how does the rest of your tribe factor in? They give me supplies mostly. And advice, but that's pretty much it. Yeah, for the most part you're a lone wolf, advancing your ailing tribe's territory with primitive warrior skills.
You must have some ill skills. Check out this skill.
Is your caveman like a ninja? Maybe. I mean, this world's got mammoths and rhinos and elks, so it's tough to tell where it is geographically. Shinobi Precursor is totally a genetic possibility. I thought this was supposed to be an authentic caveman game. How are you flipping stone knives into dudes like your Danny Trejo? Chaining stealth kills is a far cry staple. And it is perfectly reasonable to think that a caveman could get good at knifing fools in stone dagger marksmanship. I mean, he's a full-time warrior. I'm pretty sure our ancestors weren't the stone age equivalent of blade. Stone blade?
Terrible. You took time to think of that awful.
Sword stone, rock blade, the edge. And that's just off the top of my... Oh, good, I think that's the enemy's base.
Uh, what just happened? Did you switch to your Batman game or what?
I used my hunter vision to figure out where some of my enemies are so I can plan my attack. So you're a telepathic caveman ninja... turtle? No, think of it like a visualization of his other senses. Smell, hearing, things he can't normally use in a video game. This is a mechanic that allows you to access your senses and use them to your advantage.
So it's not magic, it's authentic. So your guy can smell that 150 yards away there are three or four separate bad guys he needs to kill. Yeah, he smells real good. Kind of feels like he just has magic powers or Batman powers. Don't be a cynic.
Although, Stone Age Batman is a game I'd play. Stone Batman.
Nice. Yeah, nailed it on the first try. Anyway, it's perfectly plausible that our ancestors enjoyed heightened senses due to their time in the wild. Or that a full-time warrior might develop a preternatural insight into enemy positioning. I mean, I've only played this game for a few days and I already know I can take these dudes out with a little suppression. Okay, now you're just fucking warging, dude.
You're mind-controlling that owl. Dude, falconry is a real thing and it has been for 5,000 years. Falconers don't use their animals to spot enemy hunters or drop primitive bombs that pre-date gunpowder on them. Okay, I admit they took a little license there. But, you know, a primitive hunter could have trained a bird to drop stuff on their enemies. We do it with mail and carrier pigeons, so a slight embellishment on an otherwise authentic recreation. You're steering the owl and controlling its motion.
You're the beast master. Your caveman game has bullshit magic in it and you need to own that. It has a few slight supernatural flourishes.
No, no, no, no, no, no. What? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
People ride elephants into battle. They don't summon them from the ether or tell them to smash an enemy warrior with their trunk. Damn it, I got all excited about this game and it's not a real caveman experience at all. No, it's just more pseudo-mythology BS with no Batman whatsoever.
Fine. Since when do you care so much about cavemen? I care because you care.
I don't care. Well, I don't care.
Oh. Hey guys, please come out to UCB Sunset to see the next live crack podcast.
It's going to be December 10th and we're going to be doing our year in review app. We're calling it the year in review in review.
What does that mean? I actually legitimately don't know yet, but I'm going to figure it out before then and it's going to be awesome. Hope to see you there. |
dropout | pixar_s_next_7_movies_unveiled | Just finished watching Inside Out and can't wait for more melancholic Pixar action? Then check out our new movie lineup, coming soon to a theater near you. Coming in 2017, it's Toy Story 4. Playtime's over! Two hundred years after a virus swipes out all of humanity, the toys must band together once more to help Buzz find the Earth's last pack of working batteries. And be sure to get there early so you can catch our new short, Lights Out for Luxo.
2019 Finding Chemo. You know what? We dare you fuckers not to cry at this one. It's literally about a child with cancer. Does the child survive? Who knows? Will your tear ducts be dry heaving by minute three?
Hell fucking yes. Remember that famous Pixar launch we had? You know the one where we came up with a bunch of ideas for our first movies? Well, we did it again. But for sad shit. So strap in, Piss Cheeks, we're just getting started.
In 2021, we're going to reanimate the scene from Lion King where Simba tries to wake up a dead Mufasa and then extend it to be 90 goddamn minutes long. Your eyes are going to be straight up incontinent by the end of this. Also, it's in 3D. In 2022, we're going to personally pay your dad to call you on the phone and remind you about your grandmother's constantly failing health. You should really go visit her before it's too late. You monster. And finally, in 2023, we'll release Cars 3.
Then completely shut down all production whatsoever. The office equipment will be auctioned off and our staff will be executed by a fire firing squad. |
SaturdayNightLive | maya_angelou_s_i_know_why_the_caged_bird_laughs_prank_show_snl | From the people who brought you Betty Whites off their rocks comes a brand-new prank show starring America's favorite poet. it's Maya Angelou. I know why the caged bird laughs.
Hello, Chad. I am the Rock. I am the River.
I am the one who put a pie under the butt of Morgan Freeman. Whoa! watch as Maya Angelou pranks her esteemed colleagues. Look out! it is her sittin'' a pie.
I suppose you have. But I feel no shame sitting in that pastry. just human nature, I suppose. it has been an honor. Ah, We! Watch what I do to my dear friend, Dr. Cornel West. Yes. What has happened here? I did it. I removed the bottom of your bag. Sister Maya, was this an act of malice? No, Brother West. it was an act of whimsy. Well, then I accept.
Oh, man! Frank's keep rollin'!' Wowzers! the sands of time are like rain on a tin roof. never stoppin',' never ceasing. Now, watch me punk, Stephen King. What?
Your car has been towed. I should know. I am a police woman.
Maya Angelou? Yes. it's me, Maya Angelou. this is a prank. it's an honor. for me as well. So honor! So tune into I know why the Cage Bird Labs. Hello. my name is Jonathan Franzen. I'd like to order 50 pizzas. it's for a prank. she's Angelou. |
dropout | America_s_Next_Food_Obsession_Potatoes | Oh, sweet hat, dude. Oh, it ain't just a hat. It's a whole way of life, baby.
Just a quirky little thing about me, I guess. Oh, I feel you, dude. I'm the same way, but with bacon. Yo! I'm obsessed with bacon. If it's on the menu, you know I'm ordering it. If it's on a shirt, you know I'm buying it. I know what you mean. I'm a freak for potatoes, just like you guys. Hey, check this out. Oh, yeah. Hey, I didn't see you there, Jen. Yeah, I've been here the whole time listening to your conversation about cool food obsessions you have.
And it reminded me about what a freak I am for potatoes. Well, I guess potatoes can be cool, too. You know, I love me some French fries. Ooh, yes, crispy ones, soft ones. You like them French fries? No, I don't like French fries. I just like potatoes. Like potato chips?
No. Well, mashed potatoes. No. Tater tots? No, I just like raw, uncooked potatoes.
It's just a fun little quirk about me, just like you guys. I know.
Well, well, yeah, bacon. Bacon and tacos are cool.
Everyone loves them. Potatoes are cool. They come in all different colors. You can get brown, tan, red, reddish brown, tannish red, brown.
Okay, you can't just compare your weird food thing to ours. I mean, you could go on a pizza crawl, try a bunch of pizzas. Oh, there are potato crawls. We go from grocery store to grocery store checking out potatoes. We call it the gold rush. Look, bacon and tacos reflect our personality.
Exactly, exactly. We're fun. Right. We're free. We're on the go.
Potatoes reflect my cool personality. I'm sturdy, dirty, and lumpy, just like a potato. And I like to show that off to the world. That's why everything I buy has a potato on it. Are there a lot of things with potatoes on them? The market hasn't quite met up with the demand, so I've had to have a lot of custom pieces made. Potato backpack, potato cell phone case, potato comb, potato pet. That's just a potato. With just a potato, it cost me $20. The difference between a potato, in your opinion, is that I asked for a potato. It's a rather humorous shirt. Potato bikini with matching potato song bottom. Are we supposed to react to that? In a potato sleeping bag, so I can sleep inside of it like a potato.
Okay, all right. We get it. You like potatoes. And you think that's a cool, quirky thing about me? Yes, it's cool and awesome how much you love potatoes, Jen. Whatever. Thank you. Now my soul is free.
What? Jen? Jen, are you okay? Jen? Hey, it's Jess.
There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe and it gets me. It's hot, it's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. Buy land, I guess. God. |
SaturdayNightLive | our_front_door_saturday_night_live | And now, another episode of Our Front Door. Hi. I'm a junkie, and I'm selling potholders to support my habit. Honey, there's a junkie at the door. a junkie? Well, ask him in. come on in. have a seat. he's selling potholders. we were just about to have some coffee. would you like some?
Yes, please. cream and sugar? uh, thank you very much. How many? Uh, Nine.
It's true what they say. you guys really do have a sweet tooth. Well, it's not that heroin causes a glucose imbalance in the body. it's just that in the hustle and bustle of trying to score every day, we often eat irregularly.
Oh, and I suppose all your money goes towards these scores. Uh, yes. as a matter of fact, all of it, you see. that's why I have these potholders here.
So let's relax and we'll take turns. after all, we don't even know his name. The Bob. Bob the Junkie. Well, I'm the dad. I guess I'll go first. Tell us, Bob.
Is it true that you start out on marijuana and that leads to the hard stuff? Well, I can't speak for all junkies, but that's what happened to me. are you really addicted?
Yes, I am. Show us your tracks. Son, that's enough. Oh, Dad, please. Well, if it's all right with Mother, it's all right with me. I think it's up to Bob. Oh, I don't mind. Ahh! Wow! my lads, I need a little air. I must say, Bob, that's quite an arm. Thanks. Listen, about these potholders. Oh, that's Mother's department. Oh, well, I have some samples here.
Oh, these are lovely. are these all made by junkies? Speed freaks. great. Do you know Ginger Baker? yes. they're lovely.
I'll take one of each. I like that, dear. good. I'll just write up the order, then. I'll get it. Get it, kids. let me get it.
Hi. I'm a solitary sniper selling salt and pepper shakers to raise money for a telescopic sight. Mom, there's a sniper at. Are you really a sniper? you look like the guy next door. Do you know Lee Harvey Oswald? Yeah, it's one at a time. do you have a rifle in there? Well done. |
cracked | why_it_s_time_to_stop_pretending_zombies_are_scary_today_s_topic | so they're just typical slow zombies yeah so they're like disabled versions of humans like a swarm of retarded people or like a swarm of drunks who are on the verge of passing out yeah then no in real life the zombie apocalypse would not happen I mean yeah like a town-sized number of people would die but whatever you try a town-sized group of brain-dead killers and they're groping at you and they're biting at you and the fact that it's happening in slow motion is what makes the whole thing so horrifying no the fact that it's happening in slow motion is why it could never possibly happen you have to think about zombies as its own species humans are not the fastest they're not the strongest they're not the most clawed of any animal we have survived because we're the MacGyver of species we rewrote the food chain because we use tools a zombie is just a human but without like that that one element that makes us completely dangerous yeah but what about the thumbs man the broader point is that organisms that are even just like a little bit dumber than humans still have to compensate in some way the great white shark is a giant killing machine deer are fastest bugs bone like a lot and in the case of the great white shark we've pretty much hunted them into extinction and we're not even like super trying even a fast zombie is just a human but without the ability to reason or plan you really think that they could fair better than jaws yeah because a shark doesn't want to eat your brains in fact nothing that you mentioned is drawn to the scent of human brains and zombies work so efficiently because their numbers they swarm sharks don't swarm deer don't swarm and bugs don't want to eat your brain okay zombie movies always take place post swarm in a real-world apocalypse scenario you have to consider what it takes to get from one zombie to thousands of zombies we won our evolutionary spot because we protected it from every single other predator that ever even came close to it if a few straggler zombies found their way into a city we go ape shit on them rise of the planet of the ape shit style they wouldn't last a second yeah but that's the unsung power of zombies I mean they grow exponentially based on a trickle-down pyramid scheme of biting they're viral man do you have any idea how quickly every other species on the planet would go extinct if it relied on chasing down humans and biting them just to reproduce I mean the closest thing we have from a viral perspective is rabies and that's almost extinct you work for a site where the most popular article is why a zombie apocalypse could actually happen so I didn't write it I don't have to agree with every argument on the site besides I never said it's not a popular myth I was just asking why and the why I think is because we're lazy we are the laziest generation from the laziest country that has ever existed I mean I don't know about you but the zombie version of me I don't think would be up for an entire day of just shambling around I don't want to admit to that I mean I just recently moved into an apartment by myself and I did all my taxes this year on my own this coming year that I'll be doing tenses I don't know tenses no I'll tell you what zombies are they are a desire to constantly underestimate the enemy rich versus poor right versus left we have a fundamental desire to see our detractors as these slow mindless hunks of meat that just want to steal the brains from other people and turn them over to the dark side ah speaking of Star Wars no no I'm sorry I don't care all right well fine but that last point was pretty good are you gonna put that into the article yeah I mean I already pushed save so it's out of my hands you know I might do though take a nap that's so lazy hi thanks for watching that video please subscribe to our channel I have a little bit of erotic fiction here that I'd like to read to you if you subscribe just to give you a little taste Soren pulled his pants down suspenders still on they didn't stay down for long but long enough that she could see his quivering man root pulsating yeah that's sick she said but sick in the good way |
dropout | nerd_alert_nintendo_3ds | Welcome to Nerd Alert, Star Date, April 1st. I'm Jeff Rubin here with John Gabris and Kotaku writer Steven Tatillo. On today's episode, we are going to be talking to a former college humor writer who recently appeared on Jeopardy and find out which of those two achievements women find most impressive. We are going to be hearing some embarrassing nerd stories from our friends in a new segment we're calling Owning Up. It's like 17 magazines trauma-rama, but with Game Boys instead of period.
And of course, we're going to be talking about Nintendo's 3DS. Nintendo's new 3D handheld system that doesn't require you to wear glasses was released this week along with games for a wide variety of audiences, including sports fans, puzzle addicts, and whoever is buying Nintendogs. So, which is the game I should get? But first, let's talk about that 3DS itself.
Like an iPhone, it's got a touchscreen, Wi-Fi, a camera, and it doesn't make phone calls. Should I get one?
John. Jeff, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to say no. I feel like you should read books. What? Yeah, I know. I have a controversial pro-book stance here.
But like, go home and play video games on an awesome system when they're in-depth and exciting rather than just like flying a hang glider around on the subway. Steven, what do you think? Worth getting? There's really not much of a good reason to jump on right away. And if you just wait a couple of months, the price isn't going to go down, but there's going to be more games, more features. But if you consider that I want it right now, it's $250. It doesn't even do all the things it's supposed to do yet.
If you're crazy about Nintendo, yeah, of course, you probably already got one. Let's talk about the 3D itself for a second, because it's kind of hard to imagine what the 3DS is like until you've held one. How would you describe the 3D effect? I tell people to think about looking at like a photograph of fish and then looking at an aquarium.
And that's the difference, essentially. I feel like you have to be sort of perfect with it. You have to have it at like the exact right distance. To that credit, they've got that slider on there. So it's way better than like 3D TVs that I've used. Right.
There's a slider on it that you can control how much 3D, how deep it is. And you can just turn the 3D off if you want. And you could go all the way up to 4D, and then you could feel like sneezes and stuff on you. Like, honey, I shrunk the audience. Why would I not just put the pedal down as much 3D as you got?
I want to be in Wuhu Island. Maybe I'm really old and it might sound like my father, but like it hurts my head after a while.
You have to look at it at a very specific angle because of the way the 3D works. It's like a bait. It's like one of those hologram like Marvel cards where you have to like hold it at the right spot in between Spider-Man and Venom. I was playing it on the subway, and then I looked up at the window with the car moving, and my brain just did not know how to process space for a second. Like really, really flipped out. It's like when Neo comes out of The Matrix, he's like, I want to read from the instruction booklet for a second. Can we just talk about, by the way, this is like a 500 cubic square foot truck with just a Nintendo instruction booklet on it.
The instructions say, warning eye strain and motion sickness, playing video games can result in eye strain after a sustained period of time. Duh, I've been doing this forever. But then it notes, take a 10 to 15 minute break every hour or every half hour when using the 3D feature, even if you don't need it. If you have to stop using it, if they have to put a warning in telling you to stop using it every 15 to 30 minutes, is the technology actually ready?
The tech is fine that the games aren't made right for the tech. It's like when the Wii came out and everybody got so excited that you could swing the remote around that you had all these stupid games where you're just like shaking your hands like crazy all the time. After a while, they kind of settled down. They were like, okay, not every game has to have this in it all the time. It's like when you go to like a 3D movie, right? I mean, I think it's like good when you forget that you actually have the 3D glasses on and you're kind of just, you're getting something out of it, but you're not being hit over the head. We're still at the ping pong ball being bounced into your face of 3D gaming. And here, I think they're eventually going to figure out that not every game has to have this mind bending, eye straining 3D, and they're going to like chill out. Like I was playing Pilotwings and I was like, this game's good, but I don't know if it's worth enduring physical pain to keep playing it, but which, if any of the 3DS games are worth a headache to play.
Your thoughts, Steven. I'm going to have to go with Pilotwings Resort. It's not garbage, which is... I'm going to have to agree with Steven for the first time in our five-year relationship.
The best thing to use the 3DS for is the stuff that's already in the system. The augmented reality thing, do you guys do that? The cards. Yeah, you put the card on the table. You don't even have to use the 3D and you use the system almost like a viewfinder and you see a dragon pop out of the card or Mario pop out of the card. And it's augmented reality. That blew my mind. If I want to show someone the 3DS to show how the 3D works and I just have a few minutes, I'm going right to Face Raiders, which is also built into it. But you can take a picture of someone's face and it's kind of like they're swarming at you and you have to just shoot at them.
But with both of those games, they're really fun to play, but you cannot play them in front of other people. Which somewhat defeats the purpose of a portable system. Yeah, then you have to stand up and walk around. First of all, I don't want to move at all when I'm playing video games. I want to shut down from here down.
They have the weird stalker thing that they have going on in the 3DS where the systems all talk to each other. Street pass, I believe it's called. Even when your system is closed and in your pocket, it's constantly looking for other 3DSs to exchange information with. And if you just walk by someone next time you open your 3DS, you've got their me and all sorts of other stuff. How do you like the guy who pitched that in Nintendo is like, I have an idea. So whenever you walk past someone, your 3DS communicates with another 3DS.
Like, oh, that sounds, where'd you get the idea from? He's like, well, from an app from my phone to find gay guys that want to fuck.
This is the first Nintendo system ever to launch without a Mario or a Zelda.
Did it need one? I don't know. I mean, it's fine.
Look, the thing right now is like Nintendo didn't need it because people will buy it regardless of that. But they need to have good software. I think like the 3DS we were saying before, don't get it now. But I would get it eventually because they always wind up having really good games. I wasn't totally thrilled with any of the 3DS games. I think some are better than others. I don't know if there's any great games there, but I wouldn't bet against Nintendo on a 3D Mario game. I think Mario 3D might be the game that does for the 3DS what Wii Sports did for the Wii, where it's like, this is why this exists.
Now we're going to try something new. This is a segment we're calling Owning Up. And the idea is to have nerds confess their most embarrassing, nerdiest stories. This week, we've got confessions from some of our friends. Here they are. Enjoy.
I was a big fan of the card game, Magic the Gathering. And I was also a big fan of computer baseball simulator games. And when I was in eighth grade, I combined the two and created an entire 30-team league on the computer game, Hardball 5, using Magic the Gathering creatures as the players.
When I was at my parents' house this past Christmas, I found my old stats. Season 23. Erborg. World Series Champions.
So for my fifth grade class photo, we were supposed to bring in an item that represented ourself. Some kids brought baseball bats, some kids brought CDs. I brought this.
And in case you're wondering, no, it was not my plan to have the shirt match the backdrop. That was just a happy accident.
If you guys have any nerd scars, you are proud to bear. We want to hear about it. Post a video on our Facebook wall telling your story. If it's funny, if it doesn't make us sad, we'll use it in an upcoming episode and send you a t-shirt.
Moving on, our next guest used to work at College Humor, where he co-wrote the first two College Humor books. He currently writes for Mental Floss and just recently, he was on Jeopardy, where he finished in second place with $10,000.
Please welcome a good friend of mine, Ethan Treks. How you doing? Hey, Jeff. Good to see you.
So, Ethan, you were not the greatest Jeopardy contestant in the history of the sport. And yet you were someone we know that applied to be on Jeopardy and got on.
What was that process like? You kind of go and do an online test that's, I believe it's 50 questions. They're not too hard. You have about 10 seconds to answer them. Then if you do well enough on that, they randomly draw names and invite you to an in-person audition.
Then they called me, I don't know, five months later to come be on the show. What was the experience of being on the show like? It was a lot of fun, actually. I thought it'd be really, really nerve-wracking and everyone would be super intense. But everyone there was just incredibly friendly all the other contestants. So the whole taping only takes like 25 minutes.
So you're actually having a lot of fun with the buzzer, even when you're playing really poorly like I did. Let's talk about that buzzer for a second. I want to talk about buzzer strategy because I noticed early in the game, your buzz is very subtle, very controlled. You jumped out to an early lead. You got the first three in a row, but then later you kind of fell behind and looked like you were struggling with that buzzer a little.
Looked like it was trying to jump out of your hand. What was going on there?
You can't buzz in until the question is completely read aloud by Trebek. The second he finishes the question, you get a little light on the side of the board, lights up, and that's when you can buzz in. If you buzz in early, you get locked out for like half a second. A lot of the questions, especially the easy ones, everyone's getting locked out. That's why you can't just automatically get in.
They encourage you really strongly to sort of madly pound on the button and in every commercial break, the producers would come up and kind of remind me, you know, it looks like you're just buzzing in once. You should really just mash the hell out of that button. So that's why I looked like a crazy person here.
Did it work better when you mashed the hell out of it or did it work better when you just tried to snipe it? Yeah, I think it worked better when I tried to snipe it.
You think balls of those producers. When you found out you were going on, did you start to prepare? Yeah, I started studying a bunch of things that I didn't know, which was actually really dumb because so much of it is based on the buzzer. What I should have done is started playing Game Boy or something to make my thumb more reactive. That's an interesting question. What would be a good video game to improve your reflexes if you're going on Jeopardy? Steven, do you have any ideas? I had a Jeopardy game back in the day. I don't think that would. I had the Nintendo Jeopardy game where every time you got a question right the people had like the one thing where they went. I'm thinking a fighting game because there's a lot of reflexes and it's probably a good game for someone who likes to memorize long pieces of useless information. Left down, right, B-A-B-A. I want to know about Final Jeopardy though, but first of all, can you hear the Final Jeopardy music? Oh yeah. Even though I answered the one that I was playing fairly quickly, once it changes keys there, it does get a little intense because you sit looking at it and thinking, oh no, this has to be wrong.
Do you pre-write the what is? Like, do they let you do that to save some time and thought? Yeah, they come and tell you that that commercial break before sort of it's going to be a what is, a who is, whatever like that. So you sort of, they tell you to write that in the top left corner of your screen, and then you've got the whole rest of it sitting there to fill out whatever your right or wrong answer will be. I've always noticed that in Final Jeopardy, it's like very peaceful, the what is, and then the answer is like, scribbled out, it's like, aah! It's written with like a fist.
Ethan, how is it that you worked with us at College Humor, and yet you managed to miss this question. A sign reading children left unattended will be towed away at owner's expense is seen at thisblog.org. Ethan.
What is cocky.org? No, but it's failblog. Should you be on failblog?
I am actually. It's one of the bigger distinctions in my life at this point. The most meta move ever, you ended up on failblog for missing failblog. And I'm cocky.
It really made me a multi-platform star missing that question. The .org threw me for a loop, and then I thought, what sort of pop culture and has a .org on it? I would not have thought that failblog, you know, it had the sort of mission that would maybe earn wanted .org domain. Doesn't it kill you that that was like a $1,000 question and not knowing that because you got it wrong effectively cost you $2,000? I hadn't thought about it like that, but yes.
Well, I'm glad we were able to have you on NerdAlert to run through a list of your failures. Thank you so much for joining us, Ethan. Thank you, of course, to John and Steven.
NerdAlert will be back next week. In the meantime, enjoy CGY, our bad special effects of the week. Later losers. |
ClickHole | i_didn_t_ask_for_this_meet_the_man_who_has_osama_bin_laden_s_old_cell_phone_number | Well, I had just switched cell phone carriers, and they gave me a new number. I remember turning on my phone for the first time, and it immediately started buzzing in my hand. I answered, and then someone on the other end just started yelling at me in Arabic, and then in English. Osama, he said, is this Osama? That's been my life ever since. I get the most calls in the morning. They drop off a bit around late afternoon when it's night in Afghanistan, and then they really pick back up around midnight.
You have the wrong number. This isn't his number.
Not Osama. Marvin. Not bin Laden. I'm Marvin.
Well, he's dead. He's dead. He's in the sea.
For some of these people, I'm the one breaking the news to them that bin Laden is dead, and some of them take it in stride. This one guy broke down weeping, and I didn't know what to do. Can't just hang up on a crying guy. My wife has tried to see this as an opportunity, so we've been learning some Arabic phrases. I can say, wrong number.
And, you know, please stop calling me. One thing I miss is having a ringtone. I can't have one anymore because it would constantly be going off, so I just keep it on vibrate. But before, I had this one. It's nice. I've tried to get my number changed, but the process takes time. So for now, I'm sort of stuck with it. Is it exciting to have the phone number of a famous villain?
Maybe for the first couple days. Then after that, fucking bin Laden. |
dropout | Free_to_Play_Friendship | Oh my god, I hate olives too. I thought I was the only one! Every time I walk by an olive bar, I spit into it because it's gross!
No way! Wow! We are going to be best friends! Absolutely!
Okay, well that's all the conversation you get to have with me for today. In 24 hours, that'll reset and we can have another chat. I can't talk to you for 24 hours, what are you talking about?
Oh, a while ago I realized a lot of people were willing to be nickeled and dimed for things they only sort of enjoy, like Clash of Clans, Fortnite, Hearthstone, and what's something that people only sort of enjoy? Teo. Come on man, people really like you. No, no, no. But, if you don't want to wait, you can pay me $3.99 for 800 conversation points which is good for at least 1.5 conversations. That's stupid! I'm not going to pay you to talk to you. Okay, I'll go talk to Grant, he pays. He does? It is really hard to move in together with someone, I totally get that. Teo, wait! I want to buy another conversa-shh.
What are you wearing? Oh, Grant bought me these items so I'd wear them anytime I talked to him. I started with the hat and then I just had to complete the set.
Grant, how much have you paid to become friends with Teo? $10,000, but to be fair, two-thirds of that was on my parents' credit card before they noticed. I can't afford that. Oh, Ally, you don't have to pay to be my friend. At our current unpaid rate, we'll be acquaintances in about a year. Teo and I are bosom buddies. I want to be bosom buddies.
Here, fine. I'll buy you a conversation and a hat. Oh, you don't buy little things with cash, you buy them with Teo dollars. What? Or, you can buy Teo crystals which are worth more than Teo dollars and allow you to purchase hangouts with me, Teo. This is a rip-off. I don't want anything to do with it. Okay.
You know, moving in together is actually a bigger step than marriage. Teo. Ugh. Teo, Teo, Teo.
You are so smart. I'm very comfortable talking to you. Worth every dollar, right? I'm so pleased with this purchase.
Okay, fine. I'll buy some Teo dollars. Okay, well that's five US dollars for 3.5 Teo dollars or you can pay 20 US dollars for 16 Teo dollars. Is that a deal? I can't tell. I don't know, but every Arbor Day you can buy 17 Teo dollars for 20 US dollars. That's a deal. That's fine. I'll take it. Okay.
Here. Go. Okay, I want to buy a cool safari hat. Oh, you don't buy that directly. You have to buy a mystery box filled with random items. Okay, yeah.
This is stupid. What is risky feet? It's a dance Teo does anytime someone's talking to him.
Okay, I get it. I get the name. I love it. I have one called the Dab-a-rama. He just, he just dabs. Cool. Right?
Looks like Teo's number one friend wants to hang out. Sorry guys. Who's Teo's number one friend? I heard they spent over $50,000. Hi, Teo.
Hi, Jane. Mom? Hey, what's up? It's Ali.
If you like College Humor and you want to support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness, by the Twilight's Last Spleen. Sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Yankees_Building_Vacation_Stadium_In_The_Hamptons | Turning to sports the New York Yankees earlier today unveiled plans for a new summer vacation stadium in the Hamptons set to open in 2010 the new nine hundred million dollar vacation stadium will be quote somewhere the team can go to get away from the stifling New York City summers and Unwind joining us now is senior Onion News Network sports analyst Reggie Greengrass I have to say Reggie this new vacation stadium looks even nicer than the one the Yankees are building in the Bronx right It's going to be divine Michael. It's located on three acres of manicured beachfront property in East Hampton It's an open-air stadium So the Yankees can feel those cool breezes coming off the water they can just go and relax and take a little Yankee time Absolutely, it's gonna feature a lot of great amenities white sand base paths gazebo covered on deck circles an attached marina where the players can dock their yachts during games and of course in the right-field gap They'll be the Hampton string quartet entertaining Johnny Damon and Bobby Abreu as they wait for fly balls.
Well, that's relaxing. Okay Well, we're seeing plans here for the dugout sliding French doors, right artisan crafted sunflower seed dispensers Yeah, they've also got an on-call concierge service It's gonna take care of any and all bunting situations So the Yankee sluggers won't have to waste their time advancing. That's a great idea You see the Sun cleaning off those gold bases.
Okay, we all know about the Friday night Hamptons traffic trying to get out it is the worst how the Yankee players gonna get well Michael they're planning on leaving Friday games early so they can get a head start Most of their Friday games are against the Pirates and the Royals anyway So nobody's gonna complain if they cut out in the middle of the fourth inning Yeah, I don't blame them now from what I hear the Yankees aren't the only team with plans for a vacation stage That's right The Phillies Orioles and Brewers just announced they're running a stadium on the Jersey Shore together and they'll take turns playing there next So this stadium is gonna be great. I know it a rods gonna love a job He's gonna love a G to actually hearing a rods getting his own stadium It's a little smaller, but there's a stone path that connects it to the main stadium Just in case a rod ever needs anything from the team Okay, Reggie Greengrass, thanks for coming by. Thank you Michael moving on a new study finds that men are now desensitized to all but testicle related violence Games will also only last six innings to make sure the guys have plenty of time to change before the nightly clam bakes I love a good clam bake who doesn't you will they be using the stadium on non game days? No from the fall through the spring The stadium will be sealed up to Protected from the weather a kindly old man that lives in a cottage nearby will tend to it to make sure no roustabouts try to get in |
dropout | How_to_Profile_a_House_Plant_Killer | If it says his name on it, it's mine. Alright, alright, alright. Look alive.
We have a serial killer on the loose in our very city. As of today, death toll stands at 17, but who knows how many more are on the count of four. Ah, sick bastard. I've enlisted the help of a behavioral psychologist, Dr. North, who will help us profile the potential killer. Dr. North?
Thank you, Captain Shepard. I'm about to see... It may disturb you. Oh, my God!
She's killed so many plants! Are those seedlings? Never had the chance to grow up.
Alright, people, keep it together. Dr. North, please, continue.
In most cases, we're looking for a woman. A woman? That's right. Age 27 to 35, she lives alone or with one or two roommates. She describes herself as an introverted extrovert, and her number one ambition in life is to live in an anthropology. That's a store, North. Not to her, it's not. Where should we be looking, doctor? She likes to find her victims at farmer's markets. There's broad daylight. Once abducted, she brings the victim back to her apartment and confines them in an area with either too much or too little light. So we're looking for a person who has enough initiative to get up early and go to a farmer's market, but not enough to do a quick Google search on plant care. Precisely.
What kind of psycho is this? She's not living in our reality. Her first kill happens innocently enough. It might even be a genuine mistake. Let me guess, she starves the poor bastard to death. On the contrary, she over-waters them. She thinks of herself as a nurturer, but she's not ready for kids, and her building doesn't allow pets. And she takes it a step too far. Once she's done, she disposes of her victim in the dumpster behind her apartment.
No, I got a plant that looks just like that at home. We've all got plants, Agent.
She vows never again, but before long she gets the itch. She swears this time it's going to be different. Never is. So she's completely delusional.
With each new kill, she becomes more bold, more brazen. What the hell are we looking at here, doctor? Like the Zodiac Killer, she leaves clues out in the open for all of social media to see. She wants to be caught? Thank you, Dr. North, for all of your help. Do keep us posted on enemy findings.
Of course. It's alive, but barely. Oh my god. She's in the building. Agent New, check the perimeter. We got a code five. I repeat, a code five. Going to lockdown. Captain, there's a trail of soil. Hang in there, kid. Help is on the way. It's working now!
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I'd buy land, I guess. God. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_japanese_dating_simulator | Welcome to Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin, today we are playing a Japanese dating simulator to help us understand Japanese, we brought along translator Darryl Mackendo, to help us understand girls, we brought along Sarah Schneider, and for just sheer machismo, backasses. The name of this particular dating simulator is Clean Keeper. This screen is like the Rosetta Stone for me because I know what it means in English so I could work backwards and learn Japanese.
That's how it works. This is just as creepy as I thought it would be. I see the same letter over and over again, what's going on here with these Z's? The... Oh yeah, it does look like it's... There's a lot of, what it would be called, alliteration or something in Japanese, like we're changing those sounds. That's fascinating.
Can we hit on some Japanese high school with you? Yeah. Who are we playing as? You're playing as a student in a high school who was sort of Shanghai-ed into becoming the president of the beautification committee, which is like the clean... The janitors. Yeah. You're the janitors of this high school.
Yes! I'm hearing that. Alright, give me a kiss. This is... Back off, Pat, she's mine! This is Casadano Mariko. Mariko is her favorite. Casadano Ruben, I like the sound of that. Yeah.
My dating simulators, are those popular in Japan? They're actually called in Japan, they're actually called adventure games.
Oh, here we go. So you have acquired her special handkerchief. And now you can use this.
There's not even any cleaning in this game, it's just a bunch of judging girls and talking to them awkwardly. Why would I need a video game for that?
Ah! What's this? That's an American woman. She has just said that she's a fairy, and you said you're really, you're a fairy, and she said yes, so now she's explaining to you she's here to help you clean. I mean, I'm sure we'd have figured all this out without your help. Yeah! She's a fairy that's helping you with the magic handkerchief your teacher gave you to clean the hallways and hit on girls. Oh my god, there's so much talking.
We haven't even got... We haven't even done anything. In Japan, they've only said about one word, so this is how you say hello, it takes this long.
Oh, so is this like a Catholic or Japanese Catholic school? Oh no. Like now we're in the same outfit. Yeah, no, all Japanese schools pretty much have uniforms, like the Sailor Moon uniform. Sailor Moon uniform? Sailor Moon uniform. Oh, okay. In Japan, it was the Sailor Moon uniform first, then it became the school uniform by National Decree.
Sorry, the roof is to the right and to the left would be the hallway. Roof, roof, roof. Okay, so checking out the roof.
There's a bunch of dogs over here, am I right? Oh no! What happened here? What have we here? Oh my god.
She's having a nap along the roof, it seems. Perfectly normal there.
If only I could hold down the A button while talking to actual girls. This is teaching you that you should get to know them before you try and clean them. So that's a good moral. What do you mean to clean them? Oh, that's cool. You know what I meant.
This should make a decision. I wish that whenever I was talking to a girl, there was a moat where we could pause, I could pull together this committee and we could... And this is who would be on it? This would be us.
It's not gonna go well. Is it battle? It's a battle. Battle start.
I'm holding it. I think you may only have to press A once to lock onto the guy and then you do it.
I like how even with the translator, this game makes no sense. From what I can gather, the little blue guys represent Western influence and you want to eradicate all traces of them from the youth. We really dove into the deep end of obscure Japanese gaming. We should have assumed that would be infinitely dense and complicated and long and boring. They sent us Nobi Nobi Boy.
That's an American game. This isn't a game they were like, no one, no one, the country's gonna wanna see this. We're just gonna...
This is their dirty little secret. Yeah, once it was hard for you to get it, you should probably have just given up. Level up. I'm sorry, guys. I usually have no trouble leveling up. This is a one-time... This is very weird for me. Usually you level up to two though, so... There's no such thing as leveling up too soon. You get new powers earlier.
How did that be bad? Oh, that's such a guy thing to say. Welcome to Bleep Loop. I'm Jeff Rubin. Today we are playing a Japanese dating simulator. To help us understand Japanese, we brought along Darryl McCheesemow. So that...
I still don't like hanging out with him. |
dropout | when_someone_s_trying_too_hard_to_have_fun | You know this is nice we should do this more often yeah, it's just like nice to talk All right dig sex this party has been too lame for too long. Oh god kitty's in party girl mode Katie it's not really a party. It's more like a casual after work Hey stop we're co-workers. This is super uncomfortable No, we're not doing that we were having fun just talking Hi, are you on your phone right now? It's a party dude templates are gonna remind you Look just give it back to me.
Okay, what are you doing? You deal with the consequences.
It's my phone You said that to my sister-in-law. She just gave birth to my knees.
Okay guys, let's say truth or dare I'll go first dare.
No, we're not in sixth grade. We're not doing that Okay, if you want me to take my pants off, I will just gotta say dear wait No one wants that get down from there.
Shut up there. Everybody bam Katie that table is not sturdy. Oh, you want me to get down to you. Yes, get down now Okay, but I'm coming down in style Are you okay? Yeah That's way more than a shot Yeah, we can see that Don't touch me You're on the top floor of a skyscraper, no one will see you Katie come on. Let's just go back to talking. That was so nice Stop it. How many punches will take me to punch through this window? Stop. Okay, you know that Hey man, at least I'll be one hell of a story tomorrow. Oh, okay. I was having so much more fun before Katie arrived I am going to go Hey, let's freakin dance don't talk to me Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor If you want to subscribe click over here and for more fun stuff click over here And if you want access to College Humor's secret site Make sure you send your social security number your credit card information and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me |
cracked | the_first_marriage_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Love knock. Love bee. Loves.
You can keep going shorter, that's really neat. Anyway I was describing personality traits to the sun and I thought like, maybe we could do that thing where we mash our stuff together and then it falls slowly. Yeah one of those tiny people, that's neat.
Not neat, no. Do you know how hard it is to forge this time of year? Everything red kills you. Now I have to split all my meals with this weird, ugly, belly gnome. Yeah. I'm gonna die. That does sound pretty rough when you say like that.
What do you think you ate that put gnomes in your belly? Gnomes?
I don't know. I really don't know.
There was this weird fish that was sitting out in the sun for a while. Yeah, probably that. And hey, I feel for you. But what say you put down the tiny person and we get to solving the puzzle that is our lower part. Can you help me find food for it? I don't think that's really in my jurisdiction. Try not to mix myself up with gnomes, cuz you know how they're like. But you look, and you're just, I just sort of pass them through, so. Wow. Sun is really pensive today, huh? Anyway, I was thinking we could, you know, put our parts inside of each other until my body snake spits poison. You.
Your gnomes split? Oh, something split all right, but it's your fault. Nine moons. Every time we put on the pelvis play about the cave worm, nine moons pass, and then, oh, all of a sudden, a new belly gnome shows up. What? Don't be crazy, baby. You know, belly gnomes come from evil spirits that the sun sometimes puts in day-old fish. Just be irrational. Exactly nine moons ago, we did the pelvis play about the cave worm, and then, a new tiny person showed up. Just like the time before, when the gnome that eventually turned into moron came along.
Wow, we didn't do the pelvis play that time. We did the lower dance that gets better at the end, so.
It's the same thing. They're all the same thing. Puzzle time. Bashful eel and hiding, putting a dewy wreath around a yew tree. They're all the same thing.
For you, maybe. When we have sexual relations, nine moons pass, and all of a sudden, a belly gnome shows up, and that is just what happens. No, no, couldn't have been, because bull rock was the understudy, and the pelvis play that one time when I was uneating food from my holes, so. These are your belly gnomes. They're all your gnomes, and we are never, ever gonna do any of those things ever again. Instead, you're gonna go off, and you're gonna forage for me and for these gnomes, or forever.
Do you understand me? Good. I'm going. The sun is not gonna be happy when he hears about this. Hey, honey.
It's the blue ones that are poison, right? Red, you idiot. Why do you always do that? Because you're a big dumb dummy.
Now go get me some berries. Okay. I love you. Hey guys, subscribe to the YouTube channel. Okay, now that that's out of the way, I got 10 seconds to do whatever I want with y'all, and that is prob comedy, huh?
Battery. You got attacked. It's a case, the batteries came in. You know what those are like. A salt and bodily |
cracked | we_figured_out_which_disney_character_has_killed_the_most_movie_math_disney_pixar | Welcome to Movie Math. We re-task our crack team of PhD holding internet scientists to exhaustively research the questions that really matter. Like, how many airbags are deployed in the Fast and Furious franchise? It's less than you think. Today, we'll be looking at the House of Mouse itself.
Disney, in the year of our Lord 2024, this medium mega-giant has its hands in almost every profitable piece of entertainment gracing your screens. From Star Wars to Song of the South, the Big D has released a truly incredible amount of entertainment since Snow White debuted in 1937. But no matter how many films, TV shows, and theme parks come along to remove the cash from your wallet, Disney maintains that they are all about family entertainment.
Which is funny because some of these films have pretty traumatizing moments. Ever since Bambi's mom got murked off camera, Disney films have found ways to make children of all ages cry trauma tears with cold-hearted murder. When looking at the classics of Disney's animated canon, there are numerous instances of character death.
Now, how this normally plays out is one of two ways. The main antagonist usually bites it by falling from a height so tall we can't see their beautifully animated bodies go splat. Or, a main character's friend or loved one gets frigged to provide them motivation for the rest of the film. Like Sidebar, the term fridge typically refers to a trope in storytelling where the death of a side character is used to motivate a main character. It comes from a 1994 Green Lantern comic where the hero's girlfriend is found mutilated and stuffed into a refrigerator. It's really cool.
During my nightly rewatch of Fantasia, the demon Chernobog, summoning the spirits of the damned, got me wondering what Disney hero is responsible for the most on-screen death? And listen, ever since Disney went on an acquisition spree in the 2010s, their roster of characters has reached truly staggering proportions. For that reason, we'll be focusing on the animated films only. So I don't wanna hear about how Thanos is the deadliest Disney character ever because of a little snap, snap, okay? That's not what I'm talking about. We're focusing on animated heroes from beloved Disney movies murdering people. And that's it. So let's find out which Disney hero from their animated theatrical releases has done the most killing.
I'll give you a Slim Jim if you can guess before we reveal at the end of the video. Quick hint, it's not Mulan. You thought it was Mulan.
Before we begin, let's set a few ground rules. We're not gonna focus on incidental villain deaths like when Clayton accidentally hangs himself in Tarzan. I'm talking about actual marbles. There's also the question of what we're considering murder since Disney movies have monsters, talking animals, and like sentient snow. For our purposes, let's say that anything with self-awareness counts as a living thing. Lastly, we're considering a Disney hero to be a main character. So if they only appear in one or two scenes and there's a lot of death in their history, it don't count.
Sorry, Atlantis. We're all gonna die. Okay, let's get to the math.
When combing through Disney's filmography, a lot of the flicks have little to no murder at all. Movies like Dumbo or 101 Dalmatians don't have a single on-screen death. Losers. Although, it's worth mentioning that while it doesn't have any on-screen murder, Pinocchio does have young boys being transformed into donkeys so that they can spend the rest of their lives laboring in the mines. Ah! Damn, that's hard as fuck. Maybe the most disturbing thing to ever happen in a Disney movie. After that, there are movies with death, but not murder. That's no fun. These are movies like Snow White where the evil queen meets her demise when a cliff she's standing on gets struck by lightning and in an early example of a Disney classic, she falls to her death. By our math, there are about nine examples of villains falling to their death in these movies. Scar from The Lion King, Claude in Hunchback, Gaston, Beauty and the Beast, Clayton in Tarzan, Gothel in Tangled, Hopper in A Bug's Life, McCleech, Rescuers Down Under, The Horned King in Black Cauldron, and finally Charles Muntz in Up.
If we missed any, let us know in the comments. Just know, I don't read them and you can't hurt me.
Side note, how come no one gets mad at the magic mirror when they're talking about Snow White? If he hadn't been a total dick by telling the queen that Snow White was the fairest of them all, that whole situation could have been avoided. And also, why is the queen placing so much stock in the opinion of a mirror?
He says the hottest lady around is a woman who spends all her time singing to Woodland Vermin and hanging out with dudes who have names like Sneezee. Me in college. Maybe Miragai doesn't have such objectively good taste in ladies.
He doesn't even have a neck. You can't trust a no-neck. You cannot trust a no-neck.
I know that. After that, we start getting to the good stuff. Good old-fashioned murder, baby.
Now remember, we're trying to figure out which Disney hero has the most kills. So even though Captain Hook knocks off two of his pirates, he's out on the list. To kick things off, we have Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid, who spears a giant Ursula to death with the bow of a sinking boat, which I have to say is just metal as hell. You could use a frame from that scene as mastodon album art and I would have no notes. You also have the beast who flails his arm after being stabbed by Gaston at the end of Beauty and the Beast. This causes Gaston to fall to his death, which is the thanks he gets for trying to save Belle from her Stockholm Syndrome bestiality boyfriend.
But after considering the single-digit murder heroes, we quickly begin to rack up bodies. For example, there's Dash in The Incredibles. This adorable little superhero is responsible for at least three deaths during the high-speed chase in the first film. But he's only 10 years old, which means he's off to a great start.
Keep it up, buddy, and you'll start putting up numbers like your dad, Mr. Incredible, who kills a total of five henchmen and main villain syndrome by throwing a car at his jet, which causes him to be sucked into the jet's turbine. He also kills his boss. Come on, there's no way that guy survives. As they say, a family that kills together stays together. We also have Finn McMissle in Cars 2 using an oil slick to cause a pursuing henchman to plummet to his death in the ocean. He later uses an elevator to squish multiple baddies, which brings his murder count to three until he uses literal bombs to blow up a sentient boat.
Seriously, what is happening in this movie? The cars are spies? Has anyone seen Cars 2?
Like, actually seen it. I don't believe you if you say you've seen it. You're lying.
Okay, then there's Hercules, who does a good deal of heroic killing. He murders the Nemean lion, Nessus, a sea monster, a Minotaur, a Gorgon, a bird guy, a bird guy, the Cyclops, and the Hydra, which I'm going to count as three. This brings the murder tally to 10 mythical monsters.
After that, we have Chicken Little. Yeah, kind of a sleeper. He opens up the film by warning the town that the sky is falling, which kicks off a series of accidents that may, at a glance, seem to be non-lethal. But once you consider that no one is shown escaping this theater when the top of the water tower rolls through the movie screen, we can safely assume that Chicken Little is indirectly responsible for killing 17 souls within the first several minutes of the movie. Thank you to Film Theory for doing the math here.
And yes, you could say it's unfair to consider this murder, and it may be something closer to manslaughter, but I don't care. I don't give a fuck about that chicken. I say he's a killer.
I'm with the cows at Chick-fil-A. Then in the film, Brother Bear, it's shown that all the animals in this world are sentient creatures. During the song, Welcome, the main character of Kanai joins in on the mass murder of salmon with all the other bears. Over the course of this song, over 81 fish are eaten alive. Also, Joaquin Phoenix voices an Inuit character in this movie.
Whoops. 81 deaths in three minutes. That's a lot of murder in a very short time, but that's nothing compared to your next Disney hero. You knew she was gonna make an appearance. Mulan, the most lethal of the Disney princesses. She may never pass for a perfect ride, but she will pass as a mass murderer. Mulan shoots a rocket into a mountainside and kills an entire army of men. Girl power. Numbers vary as to how many she actually takes out, but Business Insider states that 2,000 Huns were drawn for this scene, with only six of the soldiers surviving the avalanche, bringing her to a total of 1996. Fear is born. Also, Mushu kills the main antagonist, John Yoo, with a firework, and you also have to imagine everyone beneath the explosion got rained on by his innards, which is not very family friendly. But like I said, even with a literal mountain of bodies in Mulan, she still doesn't take the top spot. Nope.
For that, we'll have to go to the African Serengeti to find the true king of the heroic Disney murders. That's right. Top spot on our list goes to none other than the Lion King himself, Simba. Here's how we arrive at this conclusion. In The Lion King, Simba's father Mufasa gives him a famous lesson about the circle of life, where the lions eat the antelope, when the lions die, their bodies become a grass, and the antelopes eat the grass. Here's the thing. Like many other Disney movies, animals are shown to be talking, thinking creatures with personalities, especially in this flick. At the beginning of the movie, all of the other animals in Africa make a pilgrimage to Pride Rock to recognize the birth of the new Lion King, Simba. This means that not only are the other animals intelligent enough to recognize this social hierarchy, they have resigned themselves to a fate where the ruling class is literally eating them. That's right, I'm saying it.
The lions in The Lion King are a monarchy that literally eats the other animals subservient to them in Africa. This is like if the British monarchy munched on the working class during tea time. One antelope can feed about 15 lions for a week, give or take. In the film, Simba is probably about six months old by the time who fossil dies. That means by the time Simba is having a big musical number about wanting to be king, he's already personally participated in the killing and eating of 24 antelopes. He then has three years of going vegetarian, which is lion for only eating bugs and grubs, and then he's back to full carnivore. But Pride Rock was inspired by the African savannah, which in 1994 was populated by tens of thousands of lions. If you wanted to feed 10,000 lions, you'd need about 667 antelope to feed them for about a week. When Simba returns to his rightful place at the head of the lion monarchy, he is upholding a system that ritually sacrifices the population of his kingdom to its rulers. That means in a single year, Simba is responsible for the death of 34,684 souls.
Why hasn't anyone tried to rise up and overthrow this violent regime?
All you need is to inspire a couple of elephants and like one hippopotamus, and you take down all these sick fucks. I mean seriously, do you know how scary a hippopotamus is? They will end you. Do not mess with hippos. I've been there.
fuck, that's hard as fuck. That's hard as fuck.
Maybe the most... Well, if we missed any, let us know in the comments.
Just know I don't read them and you can't hurt me. As a quick aside, sorry, I can't read it. |
TheOnion | Jesus_Christ_Cancels_Return_To_Earth_Amid_Pandemic_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_44 | It's the latest cancellation being attributed to the coronavirus. Hear why Jesus Christ's return to earth may be suspended indefinitely.
And later, can a man survive by eating nothing but spam? I sure hope so, because I'm currently on lockdown inside my apartment with several hundred cans of the stuff. I've never had it before, but I hear it's popular in Hawaii, so hopefully I like it.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. We've got everything you need to know on the only thing happening in the world right now. Stay with us. A quick note before we get started. You may be noticing a bit of a difference in audio quality today, and that's because this episode of The Topical is being recorded from the home of yours truly. That's right, like many other employers, OPR has officially implemented a podcast from home policy, which they actually put into effect about two weeks ago, but I didn't read the email until last night. This company just sends us so much useless crap every day, I don't know how they expect me to figure out what's actually important and what's not. Maybe if they would have said in the subject line, this is useful information and not the same dumb bullshit we flood your inbox with, then I wouldn't have had to take public transportation into the office for the last ten days. But that's all in the past, and we here at OPR are committed to bringing you the best in podcast journalism no matter how dire the circumstances, which is exactly why we'll be broadcasting from Casa de Leslie for at least the next week, or until civilization as we know it ends for good. And now for today's top story.
Adding to the spate of cancellations in recent weeks due to the threat of coronavirus, Jesus Christ announced today he'll be canceling his return to Earth. We've conjured OPR's afterlife correspondent Thaddeus Lawson over the phone to get an idea of what impact this will have. Thaddeus, thanks for joining us. Hi Leslie.
So it sounds like Jesus was all set up to finally make his triumphant second coming and save us all from sin. Why call off this return now after so much buildup and planning? It was definitely a hard decision. It was supposed to be the biblical event of the eon, and every soul in heaven was really excited and planned to watch.
But it seemed necessary and prudent to cancel this in order for the Son of God to maintain social distancing after the CDC discouraged gatherings of more than 50 people. Ah, well I suppose it's better for the Almighty Redeemer to err on the side of caution. That's right. It's essential given that at almost 2,000 years old, Jesus is well within the age range of those most vulnerable to the contagion. Plus, it would not only be an unmitigated tragedy, but also a PR nightmare if God were to have his only begotten son die while trying to deliver salvation unto all of mankind. Just listen to what God had to say. Sorry, I forgot. You can't hear his voice without your eyes and ears bleeding. He said that he's sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, and that heaven is doing everything in its power to address this. Okay, well, I think the question on everyone's mind is, why couldn't Jesus come down and just perform a miracle and cure everyone of the disease? Well, miracles are generally reserved for more important acts, like walking on water and making a fig tree wither.
Fair. And finally, Thaddeus, what's the larger picture here? What does Jesus' choice mean for our eternal souls?
Well, it's not looking good. Not only is there no plan for Jesus to return at any point in the future, God has also mandated a total ascension ban on heaven until further notice. Several souls in purgatory have already tested positive for coronavirus, so until the mess is sorted out, all newly deceased and potentially infected spirits will be held in limbo with the unbaptized babies as a precaution. And if purgatory becomes full due to mass die-offs, hell has agreed to welcome any overflow souls as a gesture of goodwill with heaven in this trying time. So does that mean the apocalypse is canceled as well? Oh, no. That's still very much going on. We're just skipping to Jesus' second coming part and going straight to the agony and torment.
The four horsemen should arrive any day now. Makes sense. That's O.P.R.'s Thaddeus Lawson.
Well, it's not just the young and handsome like myself being inconvenienced by these coronavirus outbreaks, with mortality rates highest among the elderly, assisted living communities are taking extra precautions. To discuss some of the steps being taken by facilities around the country, I'm joined by Ida Hollingstedt, executive director of Briarpatch Nursing Home. Ida, thanks for calling in. Thanks for having me, Leslie. Could you walk me through how coronavirus has changed life at the nursing home?
Well, considering we don't usually get a ton of visitors anyway, things really haven't been too different here. We're still asking staff to wash their hands thoroughly and everything, but honestly, we're really not that worried about it. It's not like any of you come to visit your grandparents anyway. So you're telling me you don't have a policy in place for screening visitors? Well, we would if we had anyone coming to visit. We actually extended visiting hours in case anyone feels compelled to show up and treat their loved ones with a shred of human dignity.
But I mean, who are we kidding? It's not like they're people, right Leslie? Well, uh, this is a crisis situation, aren't you concerned for your residents? This virus is really nothing compared to the crippling isolation they feel on a daily basis.
If a resident dies because of contact with a visitor, then at least they'll die knowing that their child loves them. Bet that's probably too much to ask, huh Leslie? To come visit your ailing mother every once in a while? All right, Ida.
What the fuck? Why would you do this? Why are you busting my balls here?
Oh, I don't know Leslie, maybe because the woman who gave you literal life is spending her last years on earth alone, staring out of the first floor window all day? Spare me the guilt trip. I pay you people good money to take care of her.
Plus, you know, with the coronavirus, we're in quarantine now. We're supposed to be social distancing. Oh, you're right, Leslie. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you've been in quarantine for the last 18 months.
Look, I want to visit, but things just get so busy here. I see. Since the topical launched, it's just been, Leslie, can you approve this? Oh, yeah. Leslie, can you take a look at that? I am just pulled in so many goddamn directions, and she knows that. No, no, I hear you.
I'm sure she understands, and I promise, I'll visit whenever I get the chance. Tell her I'm coming soon. Real soon, okay?
Why don't you tell her yourself? What? No. Here, I'll put her on the phone right now. Oh, uh, what's that? I think you're cutting out. Here, Mrs. Price, it's your son, Leslie. Oh, I'm about to lose you. She wants to talk to you. Well, that didn't go very well.
I'd like to thank Ida Hollingstedt for whatever it is she does. You can find more information about Briarleaf Nursing, or, uh, Patch, Briar Patch Nursing Home at their website. Back in a moment.
Got a pain in your brain? Or maybe something is clogging your noggin?
Jesus Christ, who writes this shit? I bet it was that intern, Kelly. God, she's terrible.
Anyway, I want to tell you about BetterHelp. BetterHelp assesses your needs and matches you with your own licensed professional therapist securely and online. Since we began social distancing at OPR, I'm no longer able to express my anger at my co-workers directly to their stupid, drooling faces, but that's okay, because BetterHelp has allowed me to work out my anger in other, healthier ways. You'll get timely and thoughtful responses, plus you can schedule weekly video and phone sessions. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling, and financial aid is available, which will be great for Kelly when she's out of a job. BetterHelp is not a crisis line, and it's also not self-help.
It's neither a fruit nor a vegetable, and it's not a letter of the alphabet in any language.
Oh yeah, this was definitely Kelly.
God, and there are like four more pages of this shit, I'm just going to jump to the promo. And here's a special offer just for topical listeners. You can get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash topical. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P slash topical.
Ah, and hey Kelly, if you're listening, you're now officially fired from home. Well, I could sit here in my bathrobe and read the news all day, but I think I'm about to run out of space on my hard drive, so I better wrap this up. Here's what else you need to know today. President Trumpoh wait, the music. Um. There we go.
President Trump announced today at a press conference that he has coronavirus and is dead. The Trump administration has been under fire for their poor response during the outbreaks, and this announcement only furthered confusion, as President Trump appeared to be standing, breathing, and looking very much alive throughout the press conference.
Good news for those trying to stay fit during their quarantine. A new study has found that just three minutes of daily exercise is only 27 minutes short of being useful. So keep up those bedroom jumping jacks. Every little bit counts.
And Planet Earth announced today that it's not really sure how to make it any more clear that it wants everyone to leave, while Earth hoped we would all have just taken the goddamn hint by now, it said it was fully prepared to make its wishes even more apparent in the coming months. And that's it for The Topical today, I'm Leslie Price. Thanks again for sticking with The Topical as we navigate this new quarantined reality of ours. As a relatively mentally stable man, I'm sure this sudden change in lifestyle paired with complete and total isolation won't cause me to miss a beat. And if it does, what's really the worst that could happen? Well anyway, from all of us here at OPR, stay safe, stay healthy, and stay alone. We'll see you right back here tomorrow. |
dropout | your_friend_who_lives_too_far_away | The two otters hold hands and make a baby.
No, it's- God, what are you doing? Please excuse my dear- Hi, guys. Hey, let go. Hi, my gal. Look, uh, I don't know what you guys are doing on Saturday, but I was thinking of a little barbecue. I'm a little busy. Yeah, I got it. I booked solid for the weekend. Sorry. Same, I'm sorry. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, maybe next weekend, I feel like I've been trying to have you guys over for forever. Look, like, gal, you just live too far away. No. Yes.
I only live two dimensions from here. Yeah, but keep in mind, we all live in this dimension. I mean, Rekha lives down the street from me. It just feels further away.
Like, if you get on the flank or energy ribbon where there's no traffic, it's only an extra 15 minutes. Okay, but if the energy ribbon's backed up, it's gonna take 10,000 human years.
That's why I would say we used to make a whole day of it, you know? Like, we all had it in the afternoon, I just got a projector, we can watch the Goonies in my backyard on a sheet, or we could watch the celestial bodies crash into each other in the rift of Galfey. Yeah, I mean, that does sound really fun. Or we could just go to my apartment. Oh, Rekha's got a pool, and I haven't been swimming all summer.
We gotta do it.
Really, Rekha? Wow. I have a pool, too. And also, it's gonna make tidal energy cubes, and those don't really travel well. Just bring the stuff to make the cubes to Rekha's place. There's so much parking. You know her crystals are tapped out. And also, parking's not that bad at my place. Yeah, for you. You have a reserved spot. We're gonna have to circle those giant caterpillar cocoons for like a year.
It's not that bad if you know the riddles. I don't know the riddle, though.
The king is tall. And also, the boy is tall. But the queen.
Even if I know the riddle, it's still gonna take six months. That's too long. Are you being a little dramatic?
I wanna get drunk. I don't wanna end up somewhere super far away and have to find my way home. You could always just crash. Oh, God, no. So then I can wake up hungover and have to figure out how to get home?
It's not that bad. We just, we could go get brunch. And also, I have like a nice air mattress and a nice couch, and you know, it'd be fine. Take out.
You're taking this really personally. Seriously, it's not a reflection on our friendship. We just wanna hang out all in the same dimension. Also, you can literally teleport. You guys are saying not to take it personally, but it feels really personal. Goodbye. Oh, come on. Just come on. Don't be mad.
Oh, God. I'm across. He's got him. So, Rekha's? Yeah.
I'm very excited. Hi. It's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
CrackerMilk | super_nanny_but_for_toxic_boyfriends | This week on Supernanny, lovely Nicole has reached out for help with her manchild boyfriend Elias. After two years, it's become clear that this bumbling boyfriend needs our help. Elias' addiction to video games, chicken nuggets and laziness have pushed Nicole over the edge. Let's see if Supernanny can source it out. Supernanny has come up with a way for Elias to contribute to the household and maybe win his way back into Nicole's affections.
The consequences are no jobs, no Nintendo. Helicopter, helicopter. Hi honey, did you finish your chores today? You know the rules, that means no switch. Stay strong, consequences. No. Okay, right. You've lost your switch. This is not being a good partner. You can throw a tantrum as much as you want, but you're not getting this back until all the chores are done. You need to stay strong. He's going to wear himself out and then he will realize that you mean business. You can get this back by doing three simple chores. No. Well then you're not going to see your switch again. Stay strong, stay strong. If there are no consequences, the same thing's going to happen.
I just want him to care as much about me. Do you feel better now, Elias? No. You know what would make you feel better?
Doing your three chores. That's all you have to do. Right, and that's time out. I'm taking this away and I'm locking it up.
I hate you. That's all right, because my self-worth isn't tied to whether you like me or not.
Elias has a steady diet of McDonald's chicken nuggets. Regardless of his doctor's advice and alarming cholesterol results, let's see if our super nanny can add some vitamins back into his diet. A healthy body is a healthy mind.
This is a salad, Elias. Look at all the colors. Just know it's not nothing to be afraid of. You have one leaf, one piece of salad, you can get one nugget. Does that sound good? Pop it in, don't think about it.
Do it for me, honey. Yeah, do it for your girlfriend.
Yeah. That's it. You can do it. Just pop it in there. Just pop it in. Yeah. Oh, there we go.
Is it choking? Is he choking? I think he's choking. I think we need to get in the nuggets and stop choking. You need to stay strong.
Cut it out. Right, that's done.
In all her years, super nanny has never experienced such a massive... It's clear that the only thing he cares about is himself and his video games. Super nanny has had to call for backup from another of Britain's favorite disciplinarians, Chef Gordon Ramsay.
You like, yeah? Yeah?
I've been told, yeah, that you're a shitty fucking boyfriend, that true? Tell you what, not only are you a shitty boyfriend, I've got table four out there returning their skirts because they're fucking burnt.
So I need you to sort it out before I have a fucking brain aneurysm. You're gonna get up, you're gonna sort her out, you're gonna take her on a date, you're gonna get yourself goddamned together. You fucking understand me? Yes, Dave. It's yes, Chef, you fucking donkey. Get up, donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey.
Where are you going?
Donkey, donkey, donkey, up, up. Get down, sit down. Donkeys! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_marcello_hernandez_and_michael_longfellow_snl | Well, great news for conservatives, New York is finally cracking down on crime. former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels, and the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie because I'm deeply ashamed at how excited I am to watch it. Trump will reportedly surrender next week, but his lawyer, Joe Takapina, who Trump definitely calls Joe Tapioca, said that the President will not be put in handcuffs, though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman t-shirt. When Trump surrenders, New York City Police will take his official mugshot, which you know is the only thing Trump cares about getting right. I'm sure he's hoping it'll look cool like Frank Sinatra's, but I bet it'll end up closer to Nick Nolte. Trump is reportedly being charged with 34 counts of business fraud. business fraud is also what they call the Trump costume at Spirit Halloween. On Friday, told reporters that he had no comment on Trump's indictment, and then he danced away like the Six Flags guy. I think in general that people might be overreacting to this indictment. like an actual headline on Cnn yesterday was Nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging and possible trial and conviction of a former President. A more accurate headline would be, man we all knew was criminal, may be criminal. at this point it feels like even pro-trump people have moved on.
I mean, I went down to the courthouse today and I was the only protester there. I told him not to laugh at you. am I now mic'd? Oh, I just suck. I go up on Tuesday to protest Trump's indictment because apparently it takes her three days to put on her joker makeup. that's the meanest thing you've ever done. I'm covered in sweat. don't you even dare try now.
Florida Governor Ron Desantis who thinks he's Gaston, but girl, you lafoo. Ron Desantis, I'm shaking. Ron Desantis said Florida officials would not help extradite Trump back to New York, unless of course he agrees to take a busload of migrants with him.
The Nashville Shooting. President Biden once again called on Congress to pass an assault weapons ban. Or hear me out, stop and frisk for Whites. How long before these kids earn a stereotype? Congressman Andy Ogles, who represents the district where the Nashville Shooting took place is being criticized for a Christmas card where he and his family are holding assault rifles. Okay, even putting aside mass shootings, Who are you psychos sending these cards to? If I received that in the mail, I would move. all this card tells you is I'm armed, I have terrible judgment, and I know where you live. Democratic Representative Jamal Bowman and Republican Thomas Massey got into a screaming match on Capitol Hill after Bowman called the Gop gutless cowards for opposing gun control, which is a cheap shot because if there's one thing Republicans definitely have, it's big old guts.
Trump has also been promoting a song called Justice for All, which features himself and a choir of men jailed for their roles in the January 6th Attack. And I feel bad for the January 6th Singers, because you know jail gets a lot worse once the other prisoners find out you're in an Acapella group.
Last week, the Florida principal was forced to resign after parents were outraged when a photo of Michelangelo's David, a new statue, was shown during a lesson on Renaissance art. hear the comment, Michelangelo's David. hey, thanks for having me. Wow, Michelangelo's David. hey, hey man, I'm sorry, but I'm over here.
Can you Not turn your head? Oh, I've actually never tried, let's find out. dealing with this Florida controversy, I mean, those parents were pretty upset. those parents are ignorant prudes. what are they even talking about?
I'm the world's greatest sculpture and I'm a very pretty boy. Well, it sounds like the parents didn't want their kids to see your privates. Hey, I'm proud of my tiny shiny penis and my big stone pubes. I've got nothing to hide. I'm beautiful and I think your audience deserves to see that.
Who wants to see that, huh? No, no David. no, you can't do that. What is wrong with you people? Why? I want to do it.
Well, you can't show that. one parent said it was pornographic. it's art, it's not pornography. Okay, well right now it's pornography. I'll tell you when it's art again. that's, that's, that's fine. if people want to see it, they can go to the museum in Italy or look at it online. Oh, you're one of those guys. we can see it online. we can see whatever I need to online. that's sad. Look, I am from the Bible. Okay.
I killed Goliath with a tiny rock and my faith in God Dong out. you ever been in a fight with your dong out? No. answer me, have you ever been in a fight with your dong out? I did answer you. I said no. I'm serious Che. fight with your dong out. yes or no? No. well, you should try it. it really distracts the other guy. quite a bit.
You know what I mean? you know what? I'm just gonna show it. No, please don't. come on, what are you scared of? all the best art is nude. me, nude, venus, de Milo, nude, Statue of Liberty, show's feet. What are you talking about? I'm saying you're the most beautiful piece of art in the world sitting next to you and you don't even want to look at it. I see it, I can see it now. and? I mean I'm no art expert, but it's kind of small. Well, most people see it from below and do you want to come under and see it from below? No, I do not. Well, while you're looking at it, do you notice how like the hair up here is the same down here?
But that's not like right? right? it's too thick. it's like rocks look. Dude, don't show that. No, don't show that please. it's just rocks.
God Americans are uptight. Did you know in the Italian version of Snl you can show full penetration? What? our Matt Foley lived in a man down by the river. you know what? if you want to show it so bad, then show it. we're all watching.
Well now I'm shot. Apple has launched a new feature called pay Later that lets users spread out payments for apps over the course of six weeks. And this is also launched. my new favorite insult.
Yo Mama's so poor She put Candy Crush on Layaway. After a recent chemical spill in the Delaware River, Philadelphia officials say the city's drinking water is finally safe. unless it's being handed to you by this Philadelphia. Like safety precautions, Cup Noodles has introduced a new breakfast version of their instant ramen that mixes the flavors of sausage, maple syrup, pancakes, and eggs. the flavor will be cold. Mom left.
An 89 year old Japanese man has been recognized as the oldest male surfer ever. he truly embodies the surfing lifestyle because every part of his body hangs loose. New York City is expected to end the winter with the lowest snowfall on record. you lying son of a bitch.
New York City Fire Department rescued five children who got themselves lost in the Staten Island sewer system. Well, it's hard to believe that a place that filthy and disgusting also has a sewer system.
Build a Bear has introduced a new Ru Paul doll and honestly, after a few beers, I would. New York City officials announced that they will stop calling the City's Park Bathrooms comfort stations and will instead call them the more accurate stank shacks. doctors in Nepal saved a man after he inserted a water glass into his rectum for sexual gratification and it got stuck. But I think the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full. The first legal marijuana dispensary owned by a woman has opened in Queens, New York. unfortunately they had to shut down because she couldn't open the weed jars on her own. So dumb. a sperm donor in the Netherlands who allegedly fathered more than 500 children is being sued for increasing the risk of accidental incest among the kids. accidental incest is also the title of the worst American Pie sequel.
Well guys, it's April and that can only mean one thing: the celebration of Short Men that the internet has dubbed short King Spring. Here comment is our very own Short King Marcelo Hernando. thanks for being here. So can you walk us through what it means to be a short King? Yeah, well. Colin, It's basically something women say as if it's a compliment, but it's kind of condescending. Short King. It's an insult followed by a compliment. you wouldn't call someone a snaggle-tooth genius. Well, if it helps, I never thought of you as a short man and you're welcome for that. it's okay.
Colin Cito, I know I'm short. And you know how I know because when I lie about my height, I say I'm 5'9 Which means I'm really five, Seven and a half. And I'm lying about the half. what height do you say, Colin? Well, I'm six feet. Oh, so you're five nine. No, I'm six feet. No, if you were six feet, you would say six two. I'm exactly six feet. Okay, then let's stand back to back.
I don't want to do that.
Interesting. short kings like us should be proud of our heritage, you know. we come from a long line of greats. Kevin Hart, Bruno Mars, Prince, The Minions, Al Pacino. I'm sorry I'm just thinking out loud here. Mark Wahlberg, Jack Black, Yoda, Tom Holland, Lil Wayne. it's right there in the name. Martin Short. Again, it's right there in the name. Leonel Messi, Pablo Picasso, John Leguizamo, Danny Devito. Beethoven the composer was 5'6 and the dog was even shorter. that's great to know.
Yeah, thank you. I think I think we get it.
Yeah. yeah, now let's think of some tall guys. Osama Bin Laden is 6'4, Slender Man is 6'10, Army Hammer is 7'3. Army Hammer is not 7'3.
Okay, sorry I forgot. you two were friends. we're friendly. You know the worst thing about tall men is when they say hello to us petite princes. they go too low and they use a baby voice. You know they go like hey bud everything go down there and then when they don't talk to you they never say this but it always feels like they say it and they don't say it. But it does feel like they say it when they're not talking. They go all right. I gotta go back up. what I'm trying to say is us Tiny titans, we gotta say us. then stand back to back with me. No.
Okay well look short Kings. We were born kings. We've become kings. We've done the work.
We learned how to dance. not because we wanted to, but because we had to. tall guys like Michael Che. they don't got to learn how to dance, They just stand in the back of the party Like so meanwhile you and me are down there on the dance floor working. call it and not because we want to, but because we had to. Again, I'm six feet tall. Yeah, you're a tower Anyway, for all my short kings watching at home, Stay strong, live large, and be proud of a tiny little person that you are. So let's show them, call and stand up and go back to back with me. for the last time I can't do that. why not? Because Marcelo I'm already standing. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Last_Minute_Holiday_Shopping | Christmas is almost here, but you haven't finished your shopping yet. Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onions tips for last-minute holiday shopping. First, it's important to know that last-minute shopping for your loved ones will require a large amount of time and energy.
So before doing anything else, make some time for yourself by relaxing in a long, warm bath. Let the warm water wash over your body as you inhale scents of cherry blossoms, eucalyptus, and mint. If you're struggling to think of a gift someone you know would like, always remember that books make for quick and easy stocking stuffers that anyone can enjoy. Keep in mind that the greatest gift of all is your love.
So perhaps this is finally the year you reach out to your estranged son and make things right. Of course, you could always wait until next year. Your son will still be there, and he probably has a lot going on around this time of year anyway.
At this point, feel free to treat yourself to a long, warm bath. Bask in the refreshing vapors and soak every inch of your body. Have a chocolate-covered strawberry. This is for you. When wrapping gifts, it's important to keep in mind some affordable and festive options for presenting them. Feel free to spice up your presents to loved ones by wrapping your item in slices of delicious ham or other cold cuts. Finally, when you do give people their gifts, make sure you get a good reaction by dousing yourself in gasoline and assuring them that you will light yourself on fire unless they appear happy. After that, be sure to treat yourself to a long, warm bath. Just relax and enjoy the calming essence. Let all of your muscles relax in the water's warmth, and take in the refreshing herbal vapors.
You deserve this. There. Now you're ready to do your last-minute holiday shopping. We hope you enjoyed watching The Onion's Tips. |
ClickHole | harrowing_listen_to_these_people_talk_about_the_first_time_they_ran_out_of_radishes | The first time I ran out of radishes, yes, I remember. It was like being in a nightmare. You want to know about my first time not having one of a radish nearby? It was a painful experience.
A radish is a type of nut. It is meat. It is a type of nut.
I'll always remember the first time I had zero left. It was the worst day of my life.
I went into my garage to yell at my radishes, because they hadn't come to life and eaten me. But then I saw I didn't have any radishes left. That was when I knew the universe was made out of chaos and bullshit. I was tucking my son into bed when he said to me, Mommy, let's see those magnificent radishes we've got. So I carried my son into the garage to look at the radishes, and I saw that time had stolen my radishes away. When I told my son the radishes were gone, he immediately died.
I asked the doctor to x-ray my head to see if my radishes were hiding inside there. But when they did the x-ray, all they found inside my skull was a small glass of water.
The first time that you see your garage has no radishes in it, that's when you know that the devil is the king of your city and lives to make life nasty for humanity. I had to change the neon sign outside my house from saying I've always had radishes to I've never had radishes. And then I had to throw that sign in the garbage because it was inaccurate.
I have had radishes in the past. I just didn't have them at the moment.
I called up my boss, and I said, a radish is a type of red ball, and I don't have them anymore. And my boss said, you are fired from my life. Do not come to work anymore, and do not walk around near my house. I called up my boss, and I said, here's a riddle for you. What's the difference between radishes and an angel that kisses my wife? And my boss said, what? And I said, I don't have any radishes in my garage. And my boss said, never be part of my office anymore ever again.
A living skeleton drove to my house in a mid-sized sedan and begged me to dangle a radish in front of his face. I told him, sorry bone bag, but I don't have any radishes left. And as punishment, the living skeleton made my eyes move closer together so that my family wouldn't recognize me. A radish is the blood-red eyeball of God, and I do put it in my salad.
It grows in the ground. It gets made by oysters in the ocean.
The night that I learned I had no radishes, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, crawled out of my airdots to show off his new Nike sneakers. And I was just so miserable that all I could do was stuff him back into my airdots. When Christ crawled out of my air duct, I wanted to tell him how cool his shoes were. But I was so sad about having zero radishes that I could only kiss his shoes a couple of times and then stuff him back into my air duct.
A radish is a type of jewel that tastes like a salad. A radish is a tomato, and when you have none left, you feel horrible. You feel like the devil lives in your laundry room. When you have zero radishes, it feels like a spiderweb is your boyfriend. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's been many years, and new radishes have crawled into my garage. But the hurt that comes from having zero that first time stays with you forever. I don't know what the future will bring, but no matter what happens, a radish is a type of scarlet meatball that lives in the mud.
It tastes like salad. It tastes like meatballs. It's the world's only vegetable.
And at the end of the day, isn't that all that matters? |
dropout | a_planet_full_of_appetizers | From Raiden to Rodan, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else.
That is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Shane Crown. Happy to be here. Zeke Nicholson. Hey. And Allie Beardsley. Hi. Back for more. Yeah, baby.
The way this game works is very simple. I have here a stack of statements. These are false statements.
It's up to you to identify what is incorrect about them, buzz in, and correct me. You must proceed all your corrections with Um, Actually. If you don't, you won't get a point. And you can interrupt me at any time.
Just like in real life. As soon as you see something that's wrong, just fucking get in there and tell me what's wrong about it. All right. Here we go.
This first question is about Pokemon. While Bulbasaur may be the first Pokemon in the Pokedex, several other Pokemon- Yes.
Sorry. Just sorry.
All right. We'll get there eventually. Question one.
Well, Bulbasaur may be the first Pokemon in the Pokedex. Several other Pokemon also have the claim of being first. From Rhydon being the first Pokemon designed by developers, to Mew being the genetic predecessor of all Pokemon. There's also the question of Arceus, who, due to his time travel ability, could theoretically travel into the distant past to be the first chronologic?
Yes. Actually, Mewtwo is the genetic predecessor of all Pokemon. No, Mewtwo is a clone. Actually, Mew is the genetic predecessor just to Mewtwo. No. And point of fact, in Pokemon lore, it's believed that Mew is somehow is like the core DNA.
Got it. I said it confidently and correctly. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Shane.
Rhydon was not the first one designed. Rhydon actually was the first Pokemon designed by developers.
Yeah. That's so weird. Isn't that weird? That's like the lamest one.
You know, everyone loves Rhydon. The Thanksgiving parade, there's a big Rhydon balloon right here. Here comes everyone's favorite Pokemon, it's Rhydon. I always ran whenever there was a Rhydon on the game.
I was like, I don't have time. Um, actually, the Pokemon that you said has time travel abilities, that's not true.
That is a correct correction. Can you be more specific? No, because it's, I think it's a gen two. This is not my area of expertise. Yeah, it's not red blue. It's not red blue. I don't even think it's gold silver, is it? Um, actually, it's gen five. I know this is no longer the question. Yeah, you don't have to buzz an incorrect.
That's the god Pokemon. That's correct. Yes, that's what I'm looking for. Arceus is the god of all Pokemon.
What happens when they run out of gemstones to name shit after? Yeah, they're just going down like the periodic table, like, Pokemon, yeah.
All right, well, that is one point for Shane. This next question is on the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Tom Holland stars as the friendly neighborhood web slinger in Spider-Man Homecoming, a fresh take on Spider-Man's origin story, featuring Michael Keaton as the villainous vulture. Shane. Um, actually, it's not his origin story.
That's correct. Whoa. Yeah. Gotta picks up somewhere in the middle.
Yes, yes, this is one Spider-Man movie that is not an origin story. They finally decided maybe people get Spider-Man now, and we don't need to do that again. It's funny to not have to explain, imagine there's a person who was bitten by a radioactive or genetically enhanced spider, and then they're bitten, and they have certain spider-like powers that you all know.
Okay, great. We don't need to explain that. That's the norm.
Now he's at a Homecoming dance. Well, we will move on to Star Wars. While the primary amphibious species we meet in Star Wars are the Mon Calamari of Mon Cala, such as Admiral Akbar of the Rebel Alliance, we also briefly meet the amphibious Quarren, or Squid Heads, of Kakaras.
Shane. So, so fast in the house.
Um, actually, the squid people are also from Mon Calamari. That's correct. Oh my god. I didn't expect anyone to get this, but yes, Mon Cala is home of both the Mon Calamari and the Quarren.
It is one sea planet that is home to- A bunch of appetizers. A bunch of appetizers.
This planet is just sponsored by TGF, right? Yeah, seriously.
Quick, the blooming onion just flew through the door. Welcome, it's Steel Happy Hour.
So the big fish-headed people, those are the Mon Calamari. And the people who have squid-like tentacles on their head? Not Calamari.
Yeah. What are they? The Quarren. They're the nachos.
You gotta think, like, if there's like two sentient species on a planet, and one of them is like, this planet is named after us, it's like, that's gotta be bad for the other one, right? They must be just killing each other over there.
Oh, let's go now! Well, we'll move away to Indiana Jones. Oh, great. The ride, I hope. After the third hill. What comes crashing down at you?
In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indy discovers his former lover, Marion Ravenwood, in Nepal. She agrees to sell Indy the headpiece of the staff of Ra for $3,000, but not before the Nazis are able to photograph it, allowing them to construct their own version.
Shane? Um, actually, they didn't photograph it.
It was burned into his hand. That's correct. It was burned into the hand of the head Gestapo agent.
And yeah. I don't know, man. Shane, that's right. What the fuck, Shane? I want to be on a different episode. Four points for Shane.
Moving on to our very first shiny question. Now, shiny questions are just like shiny Pokemon in that they are basically the same, just a little bit different and a little bit rarer.
This is a game that we call Order Up. On the other side of your board, you see five characters from the Harry Potter franchise. I want you to arrange those characters in order of their deaths in the series. Chronological order? Chronological order. That guy died a hard status. Chronological order as it would exist within the timeline of Harry Potter. And go. You have five very dead characters, but when did they die?
Allie's buzzing in. What has she got? I'm sorry, Allie.
This is incorrect. No! All right. Shane. This is also incorrect. Zeke. This is the correct answer. No!
The one that seemed to give people trouble is Tom Riddle, who is, of course, Voldemort. Voldemort doesn't die until the very end. The correct order here is Myrtle Warren, also known as Moaning Myrtle, Lily Potter, who is Harry Potter's mother, Sirius Black, who dies in Order of the Phoenix, Alice Dumbledore dies in Half-Blood Prince, and Tom Riddle, aka Voldemort, aka he who shall not be named, does not die until the deathly hallows.
Damn. Wow. First time I almost had it. Yeah. Well, that is a point for Zeke. I'm doing great. You know? Things are going well for me now. That's it for this preview of Um, Actually. If you enjoyed it, I have good news.
There's a lot more of it over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
And fun fact, I'm not wearing any pants right now.
This time, we are going to ask you to identify the villainous laugh from various movies. Whoever can get the most villains identified will win. |
dropout | How_Many_Kids_Show_Theme_Songs_Can_You_Name | This is our last shiny question at the beginning. Final shiny question.
This is a game that we call Legal Limits. We're going to play a series of musical cues for you. Of course, we're only going to play about as much as we legally think we can get away with. Can you identify what show these short snippets of theme songs are from? Whoever can identify the most will get the point. Let's take a listen to our first track. Doo, doo, doo, you know it's Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. If he's singing the rest of the song but doesn't yet have the title.
It could be an Ippy, yeah. Is it Doc McStuffins? It is Doc McStuffins.
Baka, baka, let's go, let's go. Let's go, all right, Naomi. All right, let's listen to our next one.
What is Pride and Prejudice? No, it is not Pride and Prejudice.
Actually, I'm going to take a stab. Yeah. Actually, is it Paddington? No, no, that's an interesting guess, though. Actually, is it Curious George? No. No, Curious George is. Curious George, curious little monkey. And well, now this episode cost a million dollars.
I'm actually, is that little Einstein I'm hearing? That is little Einstein you're hearing.
Kaka, Naomi, let's go, let's go, let's go. We're going on a trip on our favorite rocket ship.
Doo, doo. This is the shit I hear while I play video games. So it's always locked in, baby. Let's listen to our next track. Where's this from?
I'm just a kid who snorts. He was just a kid.
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. You sang along with me and you kicked the flight out of me. Oh my God, it was in my lips about to leave and then you're crooning. Come along with the snorts. No. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Do you want to hear it again? Yeah. One more time please. Oh. I'm just a kid who snorts.
It's Caillou. It is Caillou, yes indeed.
Let's listen to our next one. Hey, why don't you sing and dance along with me?
Oh, fucking go, no. God, just take it, Kiffy. It's Blippi. That's good, that's good. That was so close.
If I was going to get one.
This is my Blippi take. What I hate about this is like, he uses this cute little illustration. He's like, no, you got stubble, my man. Kiffy, you're running away with this.
We've got two more. Let's listen to our next one.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Those whole lyrics, yeah. That's a little fuckers. Yeah. Next one, a little fuckers. See us riding around in our little trucks. Get out of the way. Cheer, cheer, cheer, little fuck, fuck, fuck. Next one, a little fuckers.
You're going to learn how to share. I can picture it.
I can't remember the name of the show, but they're literally just, they're the thick. Um, actually, is it the fixers? It's not the fixers.
I think you're thinking of the little fuckers. The little fuckers. Carl's nasty little fuckers.
Um, actually, are you thinking of Bob Marley? Bob the builder? No, it's not Bob the builder.
Okay. We'll call this one. This is puppy dog pals. I used to work at Disney and I would hear that fucking theme song in the kitchen all the time. That's why it taunts me. We've got one more here. Let's listen to this last one.
We can lock up. Ivan. Okay, I'm locked up. These are all very triggering by the way. I can't, I can't. I have to release it. Let's play it one more time. We can lock up. It's funny because it definitely does not help anything hearing it, but it does make me smile. So, just, just one more time. We can lock up. Just, just put us out of our way.
This is Alpha Blox. I can't laugh at that. Ivan, that was a big reaction to Alpha Blox. Well, Ify, you got four of those. No one else got any.
That's solidly your point there. Thank you. Shout out to this creature. That's the A. It goes ah. It makes the ah sound because it's hurt. It has the bang in it.
Use your for Ivan or if you three for Galba. You looking for another kid? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bureau_of_Meteorology_Says_Property_Developers_Are_About_To_Learn_Why_They_ve_Been_Warning_Them_A_ | You're listening to The Batooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate Weekly News Bulletin, my name is Clancy Iverill, I'm joined today by Effie The Rock Bateman, she's here to... some of these headlines are big and she's got a big job ahead of her, but before that what are you playing for the weekend? Ever since we had that interview with Brian Brydie, I've decided that I want to become really smart. Oh dear. Yeah, so I've been... I decided, you know what, I'm not reading enough, I'm not watching enough documentaries, so I actually got out some books at the library last week, I got one out about Australian modern history, and one about the war, I haven't read them, but I thought if I might start doing really smart documentaries, so I tried, I went to Vice, and I tried watching one about the Iraq war, and there's one about the Taliban, but then I got really bored and I couldn't watch those. Yeah, I mean, you've chosen like violent recent history, but yeah, I guess I can see this now, you're doing the fringe circuit, burlesque, horse riding, still interest of yours?
No.
I did end up watching a really interesting documentary about a Japanese cannibal killer who became a celebrity, though, yeah. Pretty similar theme to what you would consume on Reddit. Pretty much, yes, yeah, but I can say that I watched a documentary which makes me feel smarter. As a part, as a side, I wasn't on the deep web learning things, yes, but perhaps you're going for the more cultured approach.
Exactly, exactly, yeah. Well, congratulations, I'm doing the opposite, I will be watching 180 minutes of rugby league football, and maybe even some AFL, but I don't really care that much. Are you still doing the no boos?
No, because it's too hot, and I guess that's what this headline is. This one reads, Bureau of Meteorology says property developers are about to learn why they've been warning them against building these fucking windless black and grey hellscapes on the low-lying outskirts of major cities without so much as a fucking tree to sit under. And she's nailed it, what a mouthful. With a premature spring heatwave already making its mark in late September, Australia's working class is set to experience the potentially fatal repercussions caused by a combination of political inaction on both housing policy and climate change, and it's happening this summer. This follows the recent announcement from the Bureau of Meteorology that we have formally declared an El Nino event, meaning one is underway for the first time in eight years. The BOM says it's going to be the hottest in those poorly designed housing estates that have been rushed through by governments beholden to the wishes and donations of property developers who have not read or considered even one report provided to them by weather experts who have been warning them that this kind of urban sprawl will fucking kill people. The bomb says property developers that have complete control over government policy are about to learn why they should have fucking listened to them, as are the fossil fuel lobbyists who have fought tooth and nail to continue the accelerated burning of fossil fuels into our atmosphere for 200 years. Hear, hear.
Very grateful that I live in a terrace house because they are very cold. Yes, they are, they survive the heat somehow. Although banned in southeast Queensland because of house fires in the 1800s. Fun fact of the day.
Today's podcast is brought to you by NordVPN, which keeps your devices malware free and you're browsing safe from strangers' eyes. And most importantly, allows you to freely watch overseas content without any restriction, such as American Netflix or streaming sports while you're travelling. I hear Wendell has been making the most of his NordVPN trial to tune into his beloved Summer Heights high reruns. Wouldn't have taken him for a Chris Lilly fan, there you go. Yes, NordVPN will give you swift access to content from all over the world and are currently offering an exclusive deal for Petuda listeners. Yep, and to take advantage of this free trial, go to nordvpn.com forward slash petuda, which is risk free with Nord's 30 day money back guarantee.
Up next, referendum providing best material for a social media call since Vax rollout. Yes, we're just a month to go until, yes, we're just a month to go until the referendum. Some Australians are looking forward to promoting slash blocking a small change in our constitution while many more are just looking forward to this whole horrible back and forth ending.
One good thing that has come from this head vice of a discourse is a chance to cull all the pricks you're friends with on social media. So effective has the voice discussion been in getting racists, bigots and general nongs to out themselves for free, many social media users have claimed it as the best social media cull material since the vaccine rollout. One Petuda social media user, Faith Keith says... Last time I got rid of the do your own research people and this time I'm getting rid of the I can't be arsed doing research people.
Yes, if you don't know, they know. Or alternatively just take five minutes to read up on it. And up next, social media news.
A local bloke utterly obsessed with Roman Empire because he too would like to be destroyed by goths. Yes, and some random internet news of perplexing discovery has gone viral on TikTok as the world's women have uncovered that the blokes in their lives apparently think about the Roman Empire quite a lot. These trending videos show people asking their boyfriends, husbands, brothers, friends if they thought about the Roman Empire often, and if so at what frequency, with answers ranging from at least once a week to daily. And with at least one bloke starting incredulously, how could I not think about the Roman Empire? The advocate took to the streets of Petuda to see if the town's fellows are into the Roman Empire and what they think the civilization's greatest achievements were and their thoughts on the empire being sacked and destroyed by vandals and goths. Petuda Pons' bloke, a timid-looking civil engineer named Nathan Fielding, agrees that he also finds himself daydreaming about ancient Rome frequently. He said, Oh, goths you say? Well then yeah, I guess you could say I think about the Roman Empire quite a lot.
I personally would be fine getting destroyed by goths. Wouldn't anyone?
We had a lovely comment on our Instagram from a goth who said goths love Petuda advocate. And we love them too. Yeah, I'm fucks with the goths.
And lastly, a boyfriend being a shithead has no idea he's absolutely going to cop it in The Sims later. Yes, a local woman pushed to the edge by her boyfriend's need to be the devil's advocate has this week found herself indulging in some tech voodoo herself by subjecting the Sims character she made of him to a series of torturous experiments. May Weathers says that her boyfriend Paul occasionally has his shithead moments where he'll unexpectedly decide to be a contrarian for no other reason than to piss her off, as though possessed by some kind of trickster ghost. She told the advocate, He'll be fantastic around 80% of the time, but every now and then he gets into a real cunt mood. Instead of fighting with him, which is what he wanted, May has decided to channel her anger into creating Paul in The Sims. So far, Sim Paul has pissed himself, had multiple fistfights and loss, been publicly humiliated, accidentally set himself on fire, and drowned in the pool after I took the ladder out.
It's therapeutic. And that's a worry.
And that's all from us this week as well. Thank you for tuning in to your weekly voodoo. See you later. Thank you for tuning in to your weekly voodoo. |
cracked | bert_kreischer_was_almost_in_the_band_creed | In his book, Life of the Party, Stories of a Perpetual Man Child, Kreischer tells the tale of his bumbling role in a college band, a failed shot at rock stardom that he let slip through his fingers like a** on a roller coaster. Maybe that boisterous personality was why two of his fraternity brothers invited Kreischer to join their new band as its frontman. Kreischer poured himself into the job of frontman, but not in its more mundane aspects like memorizing lyrics or learning to sing. The band took a turn for the better when Ben and John invited another fraternity brother to join the band. New guy Mark was an awesome musician, which is normally a good thing unless the rest of the band can't keep up. We had to get Mark out of the band, Kreischer realized. He was too good. As for Mark, the dejected guitarist had no choice but to start up a new band with a more committed frontman. When Kreischer ran into some of the band members in a grocery store a couple years later, Kreischer walked away that day and groused to himself out loud, I doubt anyone will ever hear of that stupid band creep. |
cracked | the_deranged_grimms_fairy_tale_about_a_half_hedgehog_jerk_bagpiper_mike_trapp_goes_medieval | Oh, hello! I didn't see you there.
And still can't, because that's how cameras work.
Today's story comes to us from Grimm's Fairy Tales. Now, Disney has never adapted this story, and probably never will, because it's bats**t insane from start to finish, and every character in it is a monumental a**hole. This is Hans the Hedgehog.
Once upon a time, there was a farmer who had money and land, but he was unhappy because he did not have a child. Or maybe he was unhappy because the story specifies that the rest of the village just gives him endless s**t for being childless.
Hey, how's it hanging there, Limp Dick Bill? Well, that does it. I will have a child, even if he's a hedgehog. What? Are you expecting me to give birth to a hedgehog? No, I'm saying that's like a worst-case scenario. And so, of course, she gave birth to a baby whose upper body is a hedgehog and lower body is a human, which is a weirdly similar description to Sonic the Hedgehog, if you think about it. So, hedgehog, huh? How's labor? Normal?
They named him Hans the Hedgehog because they had no imagination, and made him sleep on a pile of hay because they didn't want his spines to ruin the good sheets. Hans grew older and a little wiser.
Mother! Father!
I've realized that you don't like me very much, so I've decided to live in the woods forever. I just need a few things. Oh, my son, I would give you anything. Anything in the world. If they would make you leave. I won a set of bagpipes, a rooster with iron shoes like a horse, and a couple of pigs. Not money, or survival gear, or food?
Well, he's gone. But don't worry, we can have another child, even if it's a bowling ball covered in chainsaws, right, honey? Sweetie? And it's at this point that we get this whole completely unnecessary subplot where Hans raises a bunch of pigs and then slaughters them in a great big pretty bloodbath. Great, cool. So, one day, a king wandered into the woods, lost, trying to find his way back to his kingdom. Excuse me, hedgehog man on a rooster in a tree?
Yes, you. Could you tell me the way home? Of course. If you promise to give me the first thing that greets you when you arrive.
Now, this is exactly the kind of contract you never want to agree to if you're in a fairy tale. But the king figured, hey, this is a bagpipe playing hedgehog man on a rooster living in the woods. Chances are, this dude is fully illiterate. Which is also what most people think of you when they have a contract for you to sign. So, remember to read that thing. Okay, I'm writing up the contract exactly as we discussed as far as you know.
Hans showed the king the way home, and before too long, a second king shows up, raising major questions about the geopolitical boundaries of this area. Anyway, this king gets the same offer from Hans, but he enters into the agreement honestly. Both kings return home, and both are greeted first by their beloved daughter.
Don't worry. Daddy tricked a weird hedgehog bagpiper in the woods, so legally you won't be required to bury him. Why is that a thing I should be worried about? Exactly. Sir, you'll probably have to marry a strange hedgehog bagpiper man because daddy got lost in the woods again.
Now the first king told his guards that if they happen to see, I don't know, some kind of hedgehog man riding a rooster, they should kill him on sight. But Hans just flew over their heads and into the king's room. Ah, hello again, Hans.
I understand why you're here, but you see, I don't think you read the terms of the contract. It seems Hans had been tricked, but he had a clever counterskiing. Or I guess not really a clever counterskiing.
I'll kill ya! I'll kill you and your daughter if you don't honor a verbal agreement.
What kind of game you playin' at here, man? Does this look like I'm playin'?
And right about now you start thinking, shit, Hans sucks too. But just in case you thought, oh, maybe the first king is the secret hero of this story.
Please don't kill me! Take her! Take my daughter! Just let me live!
Hans rides away in a carriage with the princess. But this isn't the end. As punishment for trying to cheat him, he strips the princess, pokes her with his quills, and makes her walk home bloody and naked. She didn't even do anything wrong! Just pure psychotic behavior from someone who, until now, was the plucky underhog of the story. Whatever, I've got a date with another princess. Here, the king's daughter willingly agreed to marry Hans.
I, um, I don't want to get hurt by your quills. Well, I guess I could take off my skin. I'm sorry! You could do this the whole time! The what? The palace guards burned his skin, and he was, forever after, a regular dude. Nope, that's not the end either. Uh, many years later Hans traveled back to his village. Hey, it's me, your son! Impossible! My son was a hideous hedgehog man and a horrible musician. You seem to be just one of those things. You wanna come live in my castle? Why not?
And that pathetic little exchange is the end of our story. And so, the sh-ty jerk parents go live with their sh-ty jerk son and his miserable wife in a stupid castle that they conned out of an idiot can. Great story, right? You know, for all its insanity, it still has more in common with the real world than a lot of other fairy tales. Everybody is cruel, punishments and rewards are doled out indiscriminately, and just like the real world, the bagpipes seem to serve no purpose at all. The end. |
dropout | hardly_working_best_buy_manager | I mean, I gotta say, usually we don't just bring people in to hire them on the spot. Usually there's more of an interview process, but, you know, like you know, I was in Best Buy on Saturday. I was kind of leaning towards the max because of the commercials, but, you know, you steer me towards a Sony bio, and I was really impressed with your salesmanship. It's really the type of motivated go-getter person we need around here.
How's that bio working out for you, man? It's good. I'm, like, installing the software, getting it set up. Yeah, man.
The thing is, Max, it's a sexy machine, right? It's great for some things. Windows, it's the powerhouse of the computing world, man. You got serious business to do, you're a businessman. Windows is a machine for you.
You don't have a lot of online comedy experience, but, you know, looking at your resume, I guess this is like cheese paste or something, you know, you worked your way up from patron to administrative senior in just 14 years. And, you know, we'd love to have you aboard.
What's this gig pay? What are you making now? I was making $12.50 an hour, no bennies. I'll give you $13, no benefits.
Wow. Okay. That's a very generous offer. I'm so sorry, man. It's okay.
I have a size infection, and this thing will not go away, man. I'm getting, like, 20, 25 of these in a year.
Great. Welcome aboard. Thank you.
I got no reason to upsell you. I'm not working on a commission.
What's up, guys? Medieval times? Yeah. Yeah, where we going?
It's more like it. Yeah, I think somebody got that as a joke or something. That's honky, man. I know you can only get those if you go there.
I would know how about last night's birthday is there. And my night went five times.
Yeah. So, where are we going? I actually have to go right now. Wow.
All right, man. Last time I was at the times, I was a green knight, and I thought he won. But then the blue and white knight betrayed him, and they hit him up at I.M. He's going to hear the rest of that. Okay, man.
Come on, Trent. Fuck off, bitch. I'm pitching a loaf. You guys are going home after. Fuck it.
Shit, you still got that size in fashion? Yeah, man. Oh, I can't kick it. So, this is it, huh? Yeah, man.
It's a new place. Not bad. No best business. Hey, keep it up.
People working appliances one day. We don't even sell appliances.
Whatever. Get these downstairs. We're going to Crapplebee's in 20 minutes. Applebee's, I'm just kidding. But get your shit so we can go, all right? All right, then. I'll get my other blackberry.
You'll wait, right? How's it to wait? We're not going up. No, but you'll tell her to wait, right?
Whatever, man. Just get your shit. Stop it, Trent, man. Stop fucking with me, man. Move it, Lardance.
You're lucky I'm hanging out with you. Hello. So, Trent's having a free time. I'm starting to get some jazz. I'm starting, man. That's what I'm going to do. |
dropout | basketball_game | It's Larry Brits on his team. Alright, one of you getting up right now, Redhead or Blondie. We're looking at you, little orphan Annie. What are you going to do? I should have to read your I.M.s to see where you're hanging out after work, should I? No, you shouldn't.
Sweetie, you want to get me a beer beer? You want to get me a beer?
Sweetheart, the boys are watching basketball.
Does anyone want any of this? What is it? It's food, you stupid sandwich. Amir!
Boys are watching basketball.
You want to get me a beer? Are you tired? Is that what the issue is? Are you tired? Do you want to take enough? What anything is there?
You guys don't read SportsCenter? It's good to be in this position, said Ray Allen, where I'm not going to let it affect the rest.
What is that? Stop! It's a receipt for a newspaper. T-M-O! Oh, do you guys have jock jams? I said boom boom boom, not about here, say well.
Nobody wants a chicken nugget. Nobody's going to eat a single chicken nugget while I'm here, right?
I'll have one. Okay, great. There's McDonald's three blocks east of here. Go there and pay for this. I told him someone was coming back. I'll give you the technical! Personal! Technically, yes, is all I'm saying. Wow. I said boom boom boom, not about brother, say well. Wow, you guys are terrible. Does anybody here have any gum? No. Wrong! I do, alright? Always be thinking. Turn off the TV for a second, alright? I got ten more brain teasers for you guys. Alright.
Twenty dollars says this next shot not only goes in from half court, but banks in. I'll take this one. Oh, it switched around court. That was close. I'm down 380 dollars, but I've never had this much fun.
Girl, your boy is so round. Let me lick it up and down. If I cannot be with you, let me at least have a taste. It put us around the head and you want to eat my face. |
SaturdayNightLive | roma_downey_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Roma Downey! thank you. a lot of you probably know me from my show Touched By an Angel. we film our show in Utah, so coming to New York and doing this couldn't be more different. working with this cast has been great, but I have to admit, I've missed all of my co-workers this week, especially Della Reese, who plays Tess. you know, she's so talented and funny. And. Roma Child! I knew I'd find you here! Look at you, woman, child, lady woman, doing a monologue. Della, what are you doing here? What am I doing here, child, sister, honey, lady, child? We got what to do here. Della, no, this is not a good time, not now. Girls, Sister, these people here are seriously the prey. they need the help of an angel.
Now, you know, I want to host a show. I want to do my monologue.
I can hear somebody crying. Well, come on, woman person, human. let's see if we can help. What's wrong? why are you crying?
I asked Daryl Hammond for an autograph, and he punched me. Oh, are you still talking? you want a little more? Daryl, Daryl, you can't go around hitting people who ask you for autographs.
You're right. how could I have been so misguided? Thank you, Roma. Thank you.
See, Little Miss Wings? these people here are a mess. you're right, Della. there's a lot of work to be done here. mm-hmm. Holly Shannon, and you can all kick my ass, All right? You hear me?
Let me tell you, if Molly Shannon wants champagne, they're dressing room. Molly Shannon gets a bottle of champagne. Molly, Molly, you're drunk. No, I am not drunk. this is my first drink, Roland. I'm just a little bit screwed up on drugs. Molly, Molly, why don't you look into your heart?
Oh, angels. you've seen the light. that's what that is, the light. I'm an angel. I can fly.
Oh, my Lord. you think she's still a bit screwed up on drugs? Mm-hmm. Oh, my goodness. I can't believe this, Della. You know, everyone seemed so nice. earlier, I saw Tim Meadows give his mother a big brick of chocolate for Valentine's Day. Honey girl, sugar child, that was a brick of hash. Oh, I was wondering why Tim's mom looked like Edward James Olmos.
All right, people, let's get naked. Oh, baby girl, we better make a move. All right, it's time for the money shot. Well, let's make this really hot, Trent, okay? Oh, my goodness. well, shouldn't a porno film in the studio? Hey, Roma. I had a little free time, so I thought I'd pick up some extra cash by shooting a skin flick. Oh, but, Will, it's wrong to degrade human sexuality like this for profit. You're right. I've been a fool. put your clothes back on, naked people. let's pray.
Girl, I don't know how you may survive through the week. Well, on Monday, a bitch slapped Chris Catan, and they pretty much left me a Luna. tell him I'll cut his throat if he tries to screw us. Lauren, what are you talking about? Well, Roma, you see, I have this business where I sell guns to gangs who sell. they sell me heroin that I trade for Asian child brides, which I then sell to buy chemical weapons which I give to Iraq. Well, that's the most terrible thing I ever heard. Lauren, look deep into your heart and find the light of God. I can feel it. but you know what? thanks, but no thanks. So, listen. Girl, you can not win them all.
Well, at least we helped a lot of people here tonight. but I didn't see that Terry Morgan fellow. that's Tracy, child. whatever. Anyway, he sounds like a good Irish lad, so we needn't worry. you're right. Well, why don't you tell the people, what a great show we have for them tonight. lady, woman, person, lady, child, female, lady, child, woman, honey. Joe, for you tonight, Missy, Miss Demeanor, Alietta's here. we'll be right back. |
dropout | get_girls_by_learning_british_things | Can we have two tequilas, no wine? Yeah. Oh, and no salt. Just drink. Just tequila.
Hey, ladies. How about our Dodgers, huh? Taking care of business with those losers down in San Diego, am I right?
Ew. Why are you talking to us? Seriously, have you seen yourself? Gross.
Yeah. And I'm from San Diego. Hello there, lovelies. Man, you sure gave Chelsea the two-finger salute, if you know what I mean. Wait a second. Are you British? Oh my gosh, we, uh, we love British guys. Yeah. Do you?
And why don't you two birds join me over at my table for a point, then? Oh my god, he's a pint. He called us birds.
Excuse me.
Hey. Hi.
How did you do that? Yeah.
It was just British things. British things? I'm not following. Look, man, I'm really not British. But if you act like you are and throw in a few British things, Americans go crazy for it.
Humans don't work like that. How do you even choose? Look, man. Maybe it'd just be easier if I showed you.
What do you mean? Come on. What the? Now you get it.
No, no, no. There's no way any of that works. And secondly, what the hell was that?
Look, man, relax. Just remember what I told you.
British things.
Whatever, man. Hello, governor. You fancy a spot with tea and crumpets while riding half the channel into a double deck of bus? You know what I mean. Oi. You British wankers are all the same.
Oh, my God. Are you okay? I just don't know what happened. But more importantly, did I over here say that you're British? You poor thing. Oh.
Free stay. |
cracked | how_you_can_stick_it_to_comcast_and_verizon_today_some_news_special_report_net_neutrality | Hello, I'm a special news person, and here's a special report of some news, because today is kind of a special day, and I'll tell you why in a second, but first, we need some background on Net Neutrality. Hey, wake up! Hey! I know it's a snoozer kapoozer, or a yawner kapoozer, but it's important, and today is like the last time it'll matter, so let's f***ing do this!
Net Neutrality is the idea that internet providers treat everyone's data equally, an email to mom, a bank account transfer, photos of your unmentionables, like your dick or your pussy. It's all just data. Now, in 2015, the FCC passed a rule that made broadband internet providers classified as common carriers of utilities like water or power under Title II of the 1934 Communications Act. This prevents the blocking of sites, throttling of data speeds, and keeping ISPs like Verizon or Time Warner from giving paid prioritization of content or websites. Then, a few months ago, this guy, as FCC chairman and former Verizon lawyer, proposed that the agency repeal its 2015 Title II classification. Which brings us to a perfectly decent analogy that we'll do just fine for our purposes right now. Think of the internet as the power in your house. Websites are outlets, but the main power line is the internet service provider. Some outlets are used more than others.
Anyway, power is just power, right? You don't need to pay per outlet. They can't make power to your fridge weaker than power to your alarm clock. Ripping away Title II doesn't ensure that AT&T, Verizon, Comcast at all will start widespread throttling, blocking, censorship, and charging extra fees, but it doesn't make sure they can't. Pretty good idea. Just make sure they can't. It's like the GOP House version of Trumpcare, which didn't explicitly say that a provider can discriminate against those with pre-existing conditions, but it also didn't say they couldn't. And if you know anything about monopolies and oligarchies and just f***ing capitalism, if you don't tell a company they can't do something, and that something can make them money, they're going to do it. After all, the villains here are... oh, old wealthy white men. F***, I wish I was one of those... some day.
So basically, declassifying ISPs would mean there is nothing stopping these people from packaging certain websites together and making your internet service plans look like this. Another possibility is that we'll have internet fast lanes and slow lanes, depending on how much you pay a month. But if we stick with Title II, broadband will be treated as a utility, allowing the government to make sure things like this don't happen. But it's not just the pricing. This would also allow Comcast, who owns NBC, to make sure that NBC.com playback is Italian chef kissing fingers, but ABC.com playback would be Italian chef taking a s*** on a pizza, but it's dog s***. So like, how did that dog turd get up that Italian chef's butt to poop out a dog's turd? Anyway, ISPs are already doing this. So what's keeping ISPs from just blocking your ability to go to whatever sites you want?
Do we have a Star Wars crawl for that? That's a shame. It doesn't stop there, though.
They literally control the flow of information. Without net neutrality, ISPs are free to redirect you to whatever website or service they want, regardless of the request you send them. In 2011, seven different ISPs were caught redirecting user search requests to a service called Paxfire, which served ads and sponsored web pages to users instead of what they asked for. Windstream, a rural ISP, redirected users' Google and Yahoo searches to windstream results, masquerading as Google and Yahoo pages, which, prior to the establishment of net neutrality, was entirely legal. Comcast was caught in 2007 blocking torrenting services, which are entirely legal.
So why are we talking about this now, still, again? What's so urgent about all of it?
Well, a bunch of companies, including Amazon, Kickstarter, Reddit, Tumblr, Pornhub, and thousands of actual humans have chosen July 12th, literally today, if you're watching this today, to be a day of protest. This day of action is an important moment for the internet to come together across political lines and show that we don't want our cable companies controlling what we can do online or picking winners and losers when it comes to streaming services, gaming, online content, your dick, your pussy. The current FCC chairman, Ajit Pai, again, a former Verizon lawyer, seems intent on getting rid of net neutrality and misleading the public about it for... reasons? But the FCC has to answer to Congress. And if we can create another moment of massive online protest like the SOPA blackout and the internet slowdown, we have a real chance of stopping the FCC in its tracks and protecting the internet as a free and open platform for creativity, innovation, exchange of ideas, your dick, your pussy. So hit up the website battleforthenet.com and join the protest. It walks you through everything and it helps you get in contact with your representatives to tell them, like, seriously, come on, you guys. And this may be the biggest online protest in history.
And regardless of your thoughts and feelings about, you know, whatever, we all don't want to be at the whim of these fucking guys. We want to be them. |
dropout | ted_williams_story | Hey, I'm gonna make you work for your dollar. Say something with that great radio voice. When you honestly did nothing but the best of all these, you're listening to Magic Night 8.9. Thank you so much. I just said, well hey, I can't be an actor, I can't be an on-air personality, but the voice just became something of a development over here. We haven't seen such an unlikely person reach this level of instant internet superstardom since Susan Boyle wowed the world with her voice.
I dream that the demons find one more. It appeared Williams may have something else in common with Susan Boyle. Bram-a-lam, ram-a-lam-a-dee-dum, ram-a-lam-a-lam. From NBC News, this is today with Matt Lauer and Meredith Fiera. Bye from Studio 1A and Roc-a-fella-plaza. So when I leave here today, I'll be doing some voices for the fine people of Kraft.
How would you pitch that product? When you're looking for a cheesy crack, you're a very delicious macaroni cheese cheese crack. That kind of thing, yeah. |
dropout | 5_tips_on_cooking_for_one_ch_shorts | Hey guys, Grant here. If you're single like me, you might have a tough time cooking or grocery shopping without throwing away a ton of food. You might also have a Peter Pan complex and the feeling that no one loves you because deep down you don't deserve it. Here are five tips to help with the first thing. The first thing I recommend for single people is to skip cooking altogether. Get takeout. It really cuts down on the sad factor of standing over a small burner alone. Um, Grant, I'm single but I like cooking. You're lying to yourself. The only people who like cooking are the ones with someone to cook for. That ain't you Buster and at this rate, it might never be. Sometimes getting takeout just isn't practical.
On those nights, I like to call in the Navy, Captain Crunch and Captain Morgan. The breakfast cereal is an inexpensive source of carbs to fill your stomach but not your soul and alcohol will put you to sleep so you can stop feeling this way. Now doctors say alcohol is a depressant but those know it all don't know real depression.
They probably all have kids and houses. From time to time you gotta fire up the oven and make a lasagna the way mom used to make. It has all the carb-y goodness of cereal and it smells like childhood. Remember that smell?
Oh god, you were so happy then, weren't you? You had so much potential. You hadn't disappointed so many people. Most of all yourself. When you're done, go ahead and leave the whole pan on the sink.
Who's gonna care? Please. Does somebody care?
I date. I do. I date a lot. Enough anyway.
It doesn't work out and I tell myself I wasn't the right person but I don't know. Could it be that I don't want someone who wants me because what kind of person would want me? A therapist. I can't afford a therapist. I have student loans. That's another thing. Why would anyone date someone who's so fucking broke all the time? Why would I inflict myself on someone else?
Uh, yeah. Don't buy too much. Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff and sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera so it's... Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | Report_Rising_Number_Of_Weak_Emasculated_Men_Working_As_Stay_At_Home_Dads | According to a new report released this week by the Pew Research Center, a rising number of weak, emasculated men are working as stay-at-home dads, with a steadily increasing number of feeble, pathetic fae boys choosing to spend their days cooking, cleaning, and performing other submissive duties. Well, our findings indicate that more and more pussified half-men are not going to work and instead are embarrassing themselves by purchasing groceries, packing children's lunches, and denying all aspects of their masculinity on a daily basis. Researchers pointed to rising numbers of submissive, testosterone-drained husbands and fathers happily agreeing to go grocery shopping on a regular basis, noting that many of these ineffectual pushovers spend large amounts of their week regularly taking their children to playgrounds. In an anatomical sense, yes, these are men, at least technically speaking. They're people who are nominally male, in some sense of the word, but who are performing domestic duties and caring for children like ineffectual weaklings who might as well be castrated.
The Onion spoke to one of these effete, pathetic excuses for men to get his response on the new report. I love being able to stay home with Angela. I mean, it's a lot of work, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. What a fucking pussy. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
Wizards_with_Guns | why_you_can_t_play_dungeons_dragons_with_a_real_wizard | When is he getting here? Hopefully never. HA HA! Sorry, sorry, I'm late.
I was just so busy battling a dragon in this dungeon it was a whole thing. Anyway, uh, what are we playing? Dungeons and Dragons.
AHHH! It's just here!
When you die in the game you die in real life! Why would we want that? It's too late now! I already opened them up! Magius, no! That's terrible! Mind, mind, relax! So just change the rules! Geez, it's like you guys hate having fun!
You enter the dark and dreary tavern where you see seated in the corner a mysterious hooded figure. What do you do? Oh, okay, uh, so I walk up to the mysterious man and I say, have you a quest for us?
Indeed! I have many a quest for you, adventurer! For I am a wizard!
No! Is something wrong?
If you're a real wizard then tell me how many whispered secrets does it take to cross the blood bridge? Hmm. Twelve! Lucky guess. Here's one.
Oh fuck! Hey Magius, what's in your inventory? Uh, I got a screaming sword, a couple of witch nips, an orb that tells you when you're going to die but not how. I don't remember giving you any of this. Oops, I was reading my shopping list. You're talking about my inventory in the game. Let's see, eggs, a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, a stick of butt- Did you guys get matching mugs without me?
Oh, yeah, sorry. I only had enough for the three of us. Uh, Michael, I broke my mug! Oh, it's okay, I have a spare. Okay, thanks. Are you fucking serious?
Congratulations! You have defeated the great Lich King, Daniel. Yes! Awesome. Nice! That's tight.
Nothing's in your hand, you moron. I mean, it's not a real sword, it's imaginary.
It's in the game. Why would I want that? Oh, can I have it? Hands off, Twink! I mean, it's mine. I'm gonna keep it.
Wait. Where's Frank? Uh, I think he might have left. I'm pretty sure I heard him say something like, he never wants to play D&D again, and he hates you. Hold on.
Weren't there only three minis on the board? No, I'm pretty sure there were four. Yeah, four.
Okay, wait. Do you guys hear that? Mitchell, you strike the Remoraz with Eldritch Blast. Frank, you hurt its feelings with Vicious Mockery. And, uh, Magius, you're still unconscious.
Roll a death save. Natural 20! What is that, like, the best roll you can get?
Um, he cheated. No! Okay, hold on. Mitchell, did you see him cheat? Um... Hold on, Mitchell. Tell him what you saw. Just be honest and tell the truth. He cheated, I saw it.
Damn it. Sorry, Magius. I'm gonna have to take your sword. Fine! Didn't even want him anyway. No, not your real sword. No. Oh, Magius!
He turns his fearsome gaze upon you, and in a great, bellowing voice says, My patience wears thin, adventurers. Give me one reason why I should not decimate you where you stand. Okay, we need to choose our words wisely. Yeah, we need to be so careful.
It's a stupid shirt. You got a dumb cloak. You got a bad face. And I don't like you.
Okay, fine. He unleashes his frost breath on all of you. Roll a deck save or face certain death. Whatever.
Oh, I got a 23. You succeed. I got a 20. Another success. Oh, no, I got a 2.
Mitchell, you fail. And you die. Oh my god, Mitchell. You die in the game, you die in real life.
I thought you said you changed the rules. I thought I did. I could've changed the rules. I accidentally changed it to you die in the game, you pie in real life.
This is so silly. You're crazy. Then you die.
But he's fine. You're fine. Oh, no, he drowned.
Ugh, what a dumb video. Thank you to Earth Nation Ceramics for making us these awesome mugs. Check out the link to his channel in the description.
Sorry, I'm late. Ahh. Brought that to his primordial calendar. Geez, it's like you guys hate having fun. Oh, no, it opened again. Ahh. Oh, no, he drowned. |
dropout | hardly_working_daylight_savings | Oh man, that was one of wild daylight savings guys. Yeah, the clocks were like me so thirsty. They went back for seconds 3600 of them You guys went out for a daylight savings time.
Why didn't you call me? The clock hasn't been turned back.
Oh, yeah Get it. It's a little tough. I don't know if I can turn it you're turning it too far I Kevin People here that ain't college humor. They think we're just a bunch of kids messing around but We're not as you can see we work in a very professional environment And as you can see here is a bus of teas I'm gonna show you a snack machine you have charleston chew there great candy Oh What the hell's going on here we accidentally turn the clock back too far made ourselves 15 years younger Yeah, I know you did the same thing last year, but you know, I got two really big advertising guys here I need to be on your best favor So This is the editorial staff I've heard so much about huh? I'm So you guys are Jake and a mirror my kids love you guys. Hey do one of your bits for me. Come on, please So dinner tonight stop that a mirror that's very annoying That's fantastic dick and you must be Streeter Your fandom of the office bit puts my wife and I in stitches. No, you are gonna be the next Jackie Gleason. Thanks, but I This book is the Chronicles of redic It doesn't say anything about taking iron tablets when you get your period and everyone knows if you don't take iron tablets You become anemic Leave me alone. I Wish I could Hey, oh, I got a great feeling about this place Ruba. Oh, I think I almost got it |
cracked | music_notes_macklemore_s_homophobic_gay_rights_song | When I was in the third grade, I thought that I was gay, cause I could draw, my uncle was and I kept my room straight. Macklemore, that didn't happen. Yo, what? You didn't look around your clean room and think, I must be gay. I was eight. Okay, so you just, you thought about your gay uncle, looked at your clean room and how good you are at drawing and you were like, oh shit, I'm gay. Right.
But I'm not. Who cares? I'm not familiar with the gay drawer stereotype. Oh, then you must not be familiar with my drawing.
It does. It's really good. That's a painting. I'm a good drawer. See, there's no dicks here, Macklemore. No one's gonna look at that and think, oh, that guy must be gay, cause he can draw good painting well. But it's really good.
Ugh. Just start it over, gens. Okay, from the beginning, Macklemore. Ugh. Yeah.
When I was in the third grade, I thought that I was gay, cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight. I told my mom, tears rushing down my face, she's like, Ben, you've loved girls since before pre-K.
Sure. Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she? Bunch of stereotype. Ooh, did she though, Snaxmores? Have a point? Yeah, yeah, she did.
That I'm not gay. My mom can have points. Okay, so you're devoting your entire intro to saying, I'm not gonna cry because I'm not gay. Right. It's fine to be gay.
We're all the same. We all got the same love, but also I'm not like that.
Yo, I've loved girls since before pre-K. You know, I heard that. So pre-K, that's what, preschool. So before preschool would be baby age? Yeah, since I was baby age.
Just ask my mom. Yeah, let's do it. Britt, let's get Snaxmores' mom on the phone. You work for me. Can we move on? Yeah, fine. Uh, second verse, and I guess, have your mom call me.
Oh, okay, she'll like that. She likes to meet my friends. Oh, that's nice.
That's sad. Uh, yeah, uh, uh, if I was gay. Snackle. Oh, sorry. So I can prepare. How many times are you going to draw a distinction between yourself and gay people? Well, I wouldn't say it like that. Oh, okay. How would you say it? How many times in this brave anthem are you gonna spit about how gay people are dope? No homo. Yeah. Okay, that then. How many times? Just one more where I say almost verbatim that I'm not the same as them. Alright. It's really good. Yeah. Ugh. If it's not important. Then why even bring it up? Yes. Exactly.
So you know, then. Know what? That you're drawing an unnecessary distinction. What distinction? Between yourself and gay people. Oh, so you know. Know what?
That I've loved a lady since before pre-K, yo. I'm not even a drawer. Hello. I'm a rapper. I know. Since before I was in the womb.
There are actually a lot of gay rappers, probably. I find that hard to believe. Where are there anthems about gay marriage?
Name one of them. Angel Hayes. Azealia Banks.
Big Dipper. Big Freedia. Cakes to Killah. J.B. Dubs. Zebra Cats. House of LaDosha. Frank Ocean.
Right?
I got one. I wasn't familiar with the gay rapper stereotype. But if that's true, and I like to keep it neat and tidy in my crib, and in the rest of my room, and in my whole house, then that could mean that I'm... But no. I'm good at Little League. I even rap so in the song.
Map one more. No one still cares. Let's do another song. Please.
I don't have any.
I mean, I have songs that are similar to other people's songs. If that's anything. Sick Self Burn, bro. Is that one of your things? The stealing a song thing? Allegedly. Do you think people will call me hackle whore? Probably. It's not very clever. Sick Self Burn, alright?
I mean, he just said that it wasn't. Ooh, I need some ointment for that medical gray burn. That and my syphilis, of course. Yeah, okay. Let's get this guy some medicine for his... Wait, I'm sorry, what?
I'm my syphilis, I guess. Your syphilis? My syphilis. My sympholamps.
Are you trying to be cute? I hope so. Because if not, you would be stupid? Right. I'd be stupid or too afraid that I can't pronounce symbolous. Symbolous. Hey.
There you go. I did it! And I'm eating at the beat like it gave a little speed to a great white truck on truck. We raw. Time to go off.
Girl. Two sisters, goodbye.
I got a world to see. And my girl, she wanna see wrong. She's gonna make you a believer now.
I never ever did it for a throne.
That validation comes from giving it back to the people now. Sing this song and it goes like... Hey, thanks for watching the video. I hope you share this with your friends and they share it with their friends and so on and so on and we get a real virus of a content going. So please subscribe.
And then click the like button if that's there or your current platform and time period's equivalent of a like button. It's a thumb up or like a okay or just the word yes. Click that. And then in the comments, just let us know what you did today. However mundane, I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested. |
dropout | precious_plum_a_swim_in_sh_t | My name is Plum. I'm six years old and I'm a purely quiet mama. I'm driving me around a patch She's my precious plum Today plums competing to be killed and dug up pet cemetery in hell, Michigan We got no AC so we as hot as the devil's dick pit Oh That is nice Mama you said we was going to a water park.
It is. Look it. You got your water. You got your park You got your careful sign There's a dead squirrel over there. What?
He's just doing the backstroke. He's just raising all the other squirrels. Look at him.
Go squirrel one Go squirrel one! Go squirrel one!
We weren't long out of the water before we came down with a bad case of the barks We was barfing on the ground. We were barfing on ourselves. We were barfing on each other. I was barfing on my butt!
Oh Plum you made me giggle No She's talking about them diarrhea Quiet! It hurts to hear! Now I do not believe in doctors. I believe in holocaust homo holocaust armaments natural medicines So we went to a psychic Are we gonna die? I can see that y'all are real sick. She's good. No, I could see it with my face What? Y'all even a loopy or crystal ball? Okay, all right, maybe y'all leave and get some medical attention Who am I to argue with this? Then I remembered a song my mama taught me If mama find her gas shop I gonna pick up the phone and dial 9-11 Are we gonna be okay? We'll see. Y'all are riddled with toxic waste Are we gonna be okay? It's hazy. Give me 20 more dollars They strapped us in and we drove around real real real real fast. It was just like a water park See what I tell you. It's like I'm a psychic myself Right now |
dropout | The_Genius_Behind_Cartoon_Boobs_Masterclass_Parody | Being a cartoonist means getting to bring imagination to life. I remember when the creator of SpongeBob SquarePants came to me, scratching his head, and I said to him, this squirrel girl character, she needs two big seashells to show she has boobies. Hello, I'm Oswald Ferntuttle, and I draw the boobs on the female cartoon characters. Penelope Pussycat from the Pepe Le Pew cartoons.
I drew a line down the center to signify cleavage, and then I brought in the waist. I pioneered that technique. Boobs didn't have to just go out anymore. Everything around it could go in. Interplanet Janet from Schoolhouse Rock. That was some of my most inspired work.
Her boobies look like two tin cans, but actually, they're her nipples. The Teletubbies. They're each one giant flap of breast meat.
And of course, my masterpiece, Lola Bunny from Space Jam. Her hair's so hot, you can't help but jerk it to her.
Because the human mind can only suspend so much disbelief when confronted with an image, it is my job, my privilege, to help audiences distinguish between the boy characters and the girl characters the only way the human brain knows how. Boobs or no boobs. Each character is different, and I really have to feel the moment. I close my eyes and imagine if this cartoon were a sexy lady, what kind of boobs would she have that would make me want to boink her? Big bazongas, tiny ta-tas, regular old C-cup chesticles. I've had some people try to diminish my work by telling me that cartoon characters don't need to be over-sexualized, and that gender is a spectrum. But I've been in the business for over 50 years now, and I know that audiences would be lost without my important work. Boy characters are normal, and girl characters? They have boobs so we know that they're sexy and hot. So, do you draw bulges on boy characters? Okay, a bulge for boy characters.
Don't be disgusting. That would be gratuitous. Cartoons are for children. I don't want boys growing up thinking that they have to have boners all the time. These jugs are inconsistent.
Are we doing Debbie Thornberry's or Little Lizzie McGuire's? Pick one. Just say one, it's fine. I guess Lizzie McGuire's. Okay.
As an illustrator, it's important to come up with a style guide that you stick to. In my worlds, my character's boobs always rise, but they never fall. I'd rather have a girl up to her neck in her knockers than dragging down some saggy honkers. I always draw areola on boobs. Even if I have to cover it in fur, I can always point out where the areola is.
It's important to the structural integrity. CGI. That was a game changer. Suddenly I'm seeing double Ds in 3D, really, really seeing them, you know? And they were able to capture a level of bounce I had only ever dreamt of every night since I was a teen boy.
Adding boobs to pictures opens up a world of possibilities. Kids, animals, inanimate objects, boom, transformed. I add boobies to an owl. That's a girl owl now.
To a rock. That's a sexy rock now. To a freaking toilet. That's a lady toilet now, and I want to fuck.
I'm Oswald Ferntuttle, and this is my Master Class. The guy who draws eyelashes on cartoons, yeah, I know him, and he's a fraud, okay? He's a fraud. |
cracked | 4_bulls_facts_that_movies_love_to_quote_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hey, did you ever notice how movies lie? I did, here's proof. Look the sound of Lucy, like Limitless, is the latest in a long line of lie-peddling sci-fi movies and yes, I could have said, lie-fi, but I already felt like I was caught in a trap of alliteration and was legitimately worried I wouldn't be able to break out of it. Seems... like we're safe now. So let's look at a list of... clips.
You know how they say we only use 10% of our brains? You've heard how people use only 10% of their brains? You know how you only use 10% of your brain? They say we only use a fraction of our brains. They say that man uses only a tenth of his brain power.
Oh, what this does, it lets you access all of it. That's the statistic. We only use 10% of our brain, but if you possess the wherewithal and the strength of character necessary to make the bold decision to take drugs like Scarlet and Lucy and Bradley Cooper and Limitless, you can access the other 90% of your brain, thereby unlocking the secrets that allow you to write really good novels. ...enabled me to finish the book in four days. Or manipulate space and time, depending on what the screenwriter thinks 90% of the brain actually does. In actuality, the parts of your brain are specialized and constantly working on any number of processes that you don't even need to think about. So maybe you are using 10% of your brain to write or read or talk or not fart, but that doesn't mean that the other 90% is just sitting dormant, as is the assumption presented in Lucy. It doesn't mean that being able to access the other 90% means that you can now learn multiple languages or do karate or change the color of your eyes, because the other 90% is committed to a bunch of behind-the-scenes brain stuff that you need in order to live and function in the world. This myth spread, because once upon a time, a few neurologists discovered that a human can survive with parts of his or her brain removed, which in turn was bastardized into this simple 10% concept, which is insane. 10% may not seem like much, but it's a lot if you look at all we've done with it. Yes, I know, even when Morgan Freeman says it, it's still not true.
Hey, remember this scene? Whoa, yeah, put that away. What the hell? This? Or this?
Oh, that flick looks great. Anyway, movies would have you believe that a gun, any gun, will go off just the second it hits the ground. And go off, in this case means, depending on whether or not there's a staircase present, you can wipe out all of the bad guys in a ridiculous and comedic display. We're supposed to laugh because they look and sound different and we don't understand them.
The truth of the matter is that the gun industry is just that, an industry. Like automobiles and fast food and any other industry focused on not accidentally killing people. There are big, impressive companies that manufacture guns and have a serious financial interest in making sure their products don't randomly shoot people to death when dropped. Real guns don't go off when dropped because if they did, the companies that made those guns would get sued until their balls fall off. And companies in general hate that sort of thing. In fact, ever since the Gun Safety Act of 1968, all guns have to go through mandatory drop safety tests. So there's just a room of dudes somewhere just throwing guns at each other and being like, this is a job, I guess.
Here's you. You're a guy. Or gal.
And you want to do some crimes. Or lady crimes. And it's, you would prefer if no one found out about your crimes. You're not one of those criminals that gets amped when people are like, ooh, criminal. Oh my. So you're trying to keep it secret. And not get caught. And then you meet someone who wants to help you with your crimes.
But like, what if she's an undercover cop? Brainstorm, ask if she's a cop. She legally has to tell you if you ask her. So say, ah, you a cop.
You're in Boston, is important in this hypothetical. I forgot to say up front. But we're doing the departed. Ow! Are you still a cop? No!
Ah, you a cop? I'm not a cop. According to movie law, asking a cop if he or she is a cop is like cop kryptonite. They immediately have to let down their defenses and surrender. Why do you ask so many questions? Because I'm a cop. What they're really saying is, hey, if you ever had any doubts before, I'm about to commit a crime because I'm a criminal.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. You don't have to tell me what your job is. There's literally no law that says you do.
To the crime! So you were about to commit a crime. And you asked your crime buddy if she was a cop. And she was so offended by your suspicion that she cut your penis off and then just stormed out. You want to chase after her, apologize, and make it up to her. Because the real crime would be to lose her as a friend.
But you've suddenly got a more pressing matter. Re, your penis is on the floor, so you decide to prioritize that. You grab a Tupperware case, fill it with ice, drop your dick in, and skip off to the hospital or whatever is the least painful way to travel. Hand your ice penis to the nearest ER doc and get ready to bask in the praise they will no doubt throw at you for having the brains to put your dick on ice.
Right? Do I just cut off your finger? Yeah.
It's on the floor to my periphery. I don't want to see it.
Pick it up. Put it on ice. Pick it up.
Thanks. Obviously wrong. If you run cold, direct contact with ice is dangerous and could give your blood vessels freezer burn, making it difficult to put things back together. The best thing to do is wrap the body part in a cold, wet piece of cloth, or even better, is to not get body parts cut off in the first place.
That's just... That's just basic healthcare stuff.
It needs fresh air. It's been locked up in that cooler for seven hours. That's so cool!
See you later. That's all this time. Join us next week when our topic will be how to tell the difference between Bill Pullman and Wesley Snipes. Oh, good! I always get those two confused. Which one was Twister? Anyway, bye! Hey, I have two tips for you. One, if you subscribe to our channel, you'll get all our videos more conveniently for free. Sounds great. Other tip, Culver City, California, there is a store that sells nothing but model trains. Uh... You're welcome. |
cracked | 4_offensive_storylines_about_superman_lois_lane_s_love_life_canonball | In some ways, Superman and Lois Lane are the perfect couple. Their love is endured through super ant invasions, Hitler clone attacks, and even an ill-fated boxing match with Muhammad Ali that Superman lost? But we're not interested in those vanilla stories of heroic rescues and shit. Love conquering everything except Muhammad Ali? This is a show that dives right into the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that Superman would probably laser right out of our brains if he could. We're talking Lois trying to kill herself for Superman's pleasure, the seduction of multiple babies, and Superman transforming his girlfriend fat in an entirely different race. This is cannonball. Superman and Lois is the latest CW show set in the Arrowverse, and it promises to adapt to their famous, long-enduring relationship in a grounded and thoughtful way.
You know, basically the exact opposite of how it goes in the comics. Yeah, things get pretty dicey in print.
For example, number four, Lois tries to hook up with the baby version of Superman more than once. Back in the 60s, before Lois Lane and Superman tied the knot, Lois and Lena Lang engaged in a continuous battle for Bachelor Superman's affections, going to extremely unhinged lengths to catch his attention. Easily the creepiest, most disturbing plan they ever concocted was brainwashing Superman into loving them when he was a baby. The story starts with Superman saying goodbye to both girls as he heads off to his fortress of solitude to do youth-restoring experiments, as one does. A few hours later, Lois finds Superbaby on the street and assumes Superman got stuck in child form, as one does. Instead of helping return Superman to a form that can legally consent, Lois puts him in some kind of a corny detention where she hypnotizes him and forces him to profess his love in caveman English, which she seems to think will make him want to marry her after the whole baby thing wears off. Lena walks in on this Freudian nightmare, and she wants in on this torture sesh. The two women tag-team traumatize young Supes by forcing him to practice proposing, kiss them both on the cheek, and spanking his bare, invincible ass. Are they conditioning him for marriage or joining Greek life at a state school? When Superman shows up the next day, unhypnotized and debabified, the ladies are pissed at Superman that all that brainwashing and ass-slapping was all for nothing. Superman bizarrely is oddly okay with them trying to seduce an infant, but he is curious about who that Bespandexed child was. He takes the girls back to his man cave, where one of the super machines explains that Superbaby was actually from a different dimension, and their brainwashing actually worked. Eventually, Superman returned to his reality and promptly proposed to both Lois and Lena, and then presumably inked a five-season deal with TLC. And that's not the only time Lois tried to seduce a literal child, as we can see in this comic clearly meant to catch future sex predators, titled The Romance of Superbaby and Baby Lois. Lois snaps a sneaky pic of Superman while he's changing, in the hopes of discovering his identity, because I guess Clark Kent never took off his glasses to wipe him down or something. While she doesn't initially plan to do anything with the photo, she suffers a traumatic brain injury that makes her evil, and tells Superman that he must either marry her or she'll release the photo and reveal his identity.
These are all textbook concussion symptoms.
Superman's brilliant plan to stop Lois is to fly her to his fortress of solitude in the hopes that she gets up to some stupid shit.
And it works! Within seconds, she sprays herself with a random bottle of what she thinks is perfume but is actually de-aging spray.
Superman figures nobody will let him legally marry a child, and the day is saved. Until the unthinkable happens, and Lois sprays Superman, turning him into a child as well. They continue de-aging until they're ultimately both infants, which is unfortunate for Superman because apparently the legal age of consent in the Fortress of Solitude is just an equal sign.
Their nuptials begin as they're pushed down the aisle in strollers, but when the preacher demands they say, I do, all Lois can muster is, goo goo! Because you know, she's a fucking baby. And while the rest of this makes perfect legal sense, the words goo goo are apparently not legally binding, so the marriage is off.
All is well, and Lois promises to never again use anything as dark and twisted as blackmail or pedophilic hypnosis to trick Superman into marrying her. 3. Lois uses attempted suicide to trick Superman into marrying her. 1970's The Super Reckless Lois Lane begins with Superman finally proposing to Lois. Everything is going great until, boom, she's literally nuked to death by Superman's enemies.
But then, twist?
The whole thing was a dream, and Lois wakes up extremely disappointed. You'd think she'd be thrilled to not die in a nuclear holocaust, but evidently her takeaway from the dream is that Superman will never marry her because he's always going to be worried about bad guys trying to hurt him by dropping nukes on her. Lois wants to convince Superman he doesn't need to worry about her, so she sets out to prove that she's not afraid of death.
She does this by attempting to kill herself. Over and over and over.
First up, she agrees to become a test subject for an invisibility serum, even though the previous guinea pig died in front of her like 12 seconds ago. And apparently the odds are 1 million to 1 that it won't kill her, which is almost certainly not how odds work.
But regardless, the stuff is apparently very lethal, but Lois doesn't care because as she tells Superman, I'm not afraid to die, maybe Daniel'll marry me. Fortunately, the serum works, and Lois uses her brief moment of invisibility to suck on Superman's lips without his permission, which, as we're learning, is pretty on-brand. When it wears off, she tells Supes that they should get married now because look how brave she is, but Superman says no way would he marry a woman so reckless. So Lois does the sensible thing, and quits her job, puts an ad in the paper saying she'll do anything as long as it's dangerous, then commits to a series of absolutely batshit suicidal stunts in the hopes it'll somehow prove she's wifey material and not at all unhinged. In her quest, Lois battles a literal Yeti for some jewels, survives a plane crash by tying a wing to her back mid-air, and just leaps straight into a pit of fire, no questions asked, and she survives it all. Because Superman himself, apparently, rigged each scenario to ensure her safety, which definitely saved him a lot of OSHA paperwork, but didn't really solve his core problem. Luckily, Lois' little bout of courage was only a lingering side effect from the serum. It eventually wears off, and she returns to her cowardly, mortal ways.
Superman assures her they'll still get married someday, but, you know, not anytime soon. And from that point on, they enjoyed a stable, supportive relationship, right?
Number two, Lois gains weight, and Superman's a super-jerk about it. Number five of Superman's girlfriend, Lois Lane, begins with a titular Lois witnessing a, quote, deliberately planned killing, which is objectively one of the worst types of killing. But this is in the late 1950s, and instead of sending Lois to trauma counseling for witnessing a violent murder, she's pretty much immediately on to her next big story, interviewing some nutcase who invented a growth ray.
He claims the ray is only intended for normal shit, like growing plants. But he also says it makes things plumper, which is a word normally reserved for not plants. And sure enough, he uses the ray to plump up Lois.
So now Metropolis's finest investigative reporter is twice her original size, and terrified that Superman's love for her won't also double. I'm a cow. Thankfully, her fears are unfounded, and Superman continues treating her like a human being worthy of love and respect. Is what we'd say if this was a comic book not written in the Madman era.
Bigger's chest massage. That doesn't work. Mouth to mouth.
The Man of Steel calls the newly stout Lois quite the load over and over and keeps reminding her that she's twice the size of his usual girlfriend. Lois realizes she'll now be forced to shop at the progressively named Fat Girls Shop. Even the narrator lays into her with captions referring to the pudgy planet reporter, the rotund reporter, and most unimaginatively, Lois Chubby Lane. Join us next week for the adventures of Lois Fat Tobolard, who should be ashamed of herself, Lane.
And remember, this was published back when Superman could push planets from their orbit without breaking a sweat. Makes no difference to him if you're 10 or 10,000 pounds. He was just being an asshole. Even worse, it turns out Superman himself made Lois gain weight to hide her identity from that murderer.
He explains his tour with the logic and suspicious calm of a guy with a pocket full of roofies, saying, I knew you wouldn't consent if I told you, but it's for your own good. Why did you kiss me first? I didn't think you'd let me later.
And this, despite the fact that this is a universe where you only need a sturdy pair of non-prescription glasses to hide your identity for decades. But thankfully, Superman takes out the murderer, who still recognized Lois, by the way, because it's not like he was suffering from face blindness.
And Superman promises never to transform Lois into some kind of offensive stereotype ever again. Number one, Superman turns Lois Lane black. All right, so this isn't the most romantic storyline between our two star-crossed lunatics, but it is absolutely the most offensive. Back in 1970, DC decided they'd had enough of racism and figured they should solve the problem once and for all. To that end, Superman's girlfriend, Lois Lane, number 106, starts with Lois heading to the part of Metropolis known as Little Africa.
OK, off to a great start. Oh, god. But hey, at least Lois' heart is in the right place.
She intends to head down there to report on something. It's never really clear. Just so she's going to go there and learn about blackness and hopefully earn a Pulitzer for doing it. What a scoop.
Lois travels around Little Africa, but everyone either avoids her or calls her whitey the enemy. Surely this has nothing to do with her waltzing around, asking people to tell her what it's like to be all black and stuff. She figures it simply because she's white. Naturally, she draws the conclusion that there's just no way she can ever truly understand the experience of being black in Metropolis and resolves to be a better ally by just kidding. She has Superman turn her black so she can blend in and get a real scoop. The now black Lois has many adventures, including befriending the guy who called her the enemy.
But since Little Africa is the wild west of Metropolis, he is pretty immediately shot by some drug dealers.
Lois donates her blood to save him, and just as he's about to wake up, her blackness fades away, and she's back to being white. And just like that, the day is saved.
A black man learned a lesson about tolerance, and Lois Lane learned what a good person she is. But the real racial test actually came a bit earlier when a still black Lois goes up to Superman and demands to know if he'd be willing to marry her, even though she's black and he's white. He doesn't directly respond, but does clarify that he's an alien, so race stuff doesn't really matter to him. And she explains to him that, sure, OK, but you still look white, and that's what really matters, right? Would you be willing to marry a black woman, son of Krypton? But before he can respond with a super, it's complicated.
She transforms into a white woman, and they just drop the whole thing. And that's how DC Comics ended racism and proved love conquers all, except, again, Muhammad Ali.
Oh, Superman, how does it feel to be so thoroughly steward? Well, another Fortnite, another cannonball. Do let us know in the comments if we missed any of Superman's follies, and don't forget to hit like and subscribe if you enjoyed today's episode. And if you didn't enjoy it, I hope whichever video the algorithm serves you next salves your wounds. |
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