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SaturdayNightLive | giant_horse_snl | They've been gone for hours. they should be back by now. what's taking them so long? I don't know. Oh, my God. they were everywhere! it's like they knew we were coming. how'd they go? what are the others? they're gone, okay? they're all gone!
Sock it. What are the odds of us surviving the next assault? with some luck. there's a 0.2% chance of survival. Great. So we're all gonna die. there is one hope. I can meet with the Destroyer. No, Arne. it's suicide. he's close. it's okay. he'll listen to me. he knows me. it's extra bad in the future. Tonight I'm feeling really scared cause today I'm gonna see my old friend.
But today he looks a little different. My giant horse. He's in a battle in space. Yeah, he wants to crush the human race. He's evil, Yeah there is my giant horse. He's extra giant today. Yeah, he wants to take my life away from me, yeah, the giant horse. Why have you come here, boy? he's big now. Can't you see that? giant horse? Why are you doing this? this isn't you, boy. you're tinier than this in a giant horse.
Crush him. No, don't listen to him, boy. What are you waiting for? destroy him.
No, boy. think of the good old days. We were poor but we were happy.
Do great things. If you won't do it, I will. I'll bring the horse. I need you.
How you turn it, you are tiny horse. He's extra tiny today. Yeah, no one has taken him away from me, Yeah, Tiny horse.
They knew we were coming. Captain, where are the others? they're gone, Okay? they're all gone, Sock it. What are the odds of us surviving the next assault? with some luck, there's a 0.2% chance of survival. Great, so we're all gonna die.
There is one hope I can meet with the Destroyer. No, Arne, it's suicide. He's close. It's okay. he'll listen to me. He knows me. It's extra bad in the future Tonight and I'm feeling really scared cause today I'm gonna see my old friend. But today looks a little different.
He's a giant horse. He's in a battle in space. Yeah, he wants to crush the human race. He's evil, Yeah there he is. My giant horse. He's extra giant today. Yeah, he wants to take my life away from me, Yeah, Giant Horse.
Why have you come here, Boy? he's big now. Can't you see that? Giant Horse, why are you doing this? this isn't you, boy. you're tinier than this in a giant horse. Crush him. No, don't listen to him, boy. What are you waiting for? Destroy him. No, boy.
Think of the good old days. We were poor, but we were happy. Fine.
If you won't do it, I will. I need you. No, you can't you die.
Giant Horse: He's extra giant today. Yeah, no one is taking him away from me. |
SaturdayNightLive | christmas_awards_cold_open_snl | Live from the Crypto.com Arena in beautiful, dangerous downtown Los Angeles, It's the 95th Annual Christmas Awards, honoring holiday excellence. Now your hosts, two people from the E Network you've never heard of. Now, don't be alarmed, but if Santa looks different this year, it's only because he's on O-zepic.
Fan of gifts is truly an art form. our first award honors those who are not good at it. Here are the nominees for most disappointing gift given to a 10-year-old boy. for Granddad, for Monopoly, Frasier edition. Gamm-gamm for clothes. And opt surely for a goat has been donated to a family in your name. And the santee goes to. Gamm-gamm for clothes. This is Gamm-gamm's second nomination and first week. she was nominated last year for Weirdest Smelling House. Oh wow, folks, you got this chatterbox speechless. my grandson told me he wanted a Nintendo Switch, so I knew I had to go out and buy him docker's pleated khakis with a stone in belt. Grandmother just knows, thank you. a huge part of a family Christmas is performative. acting surprised, entertaining a deeply disliked relative, or lying about the quality of a meal. the nominees in the best performance category will be recreating their nominated moments for us throughout the ceremony. starting with Dad, nominated for pretending to love his son's gift. Whoa, Buddy, it fits me great. I'd rather be golfing. you know, I've never been golfing before, but I'm going to start because of this awesome t-shirt. you crushed it, Buddy. thank you.
Now as we all know, we don't choose our family, and we certainly don't choose who our family members bring home for Christmas. Here are the nominees for most unwelcome, uninvited guest.
From the moment Auntie made me a plate, I felt at home. Sorry about her. And I was given the best gift ever, an introduction to a beautiful culture.
Hey, please play us off. Nominated for best performance, your fiance's mom, Carly, singing her confident, committed rendition of do you Hear What I Hear with incorrect lyrics. Do you hear what I hear?
I hear you, hear a child, a lamb, a little tiny man, are all eating silver and ham. I hear them eating silver and ham.
So confident and so incorrect. Now, please welcome the Leonardo Dicaprio of Hotel Tv, Mario Lopez. Last night, I had the honor of hosting the Technical Christmas Awards honoring achievements in the decor. here are some of the winners. Jeffrey D. Taylor for most ass Gingerbread House. Thomas Dimitri for most unignally lit tree. and Craig Harvey for most Dangerous Blood, which was awarded posthumously. Thank you, Mario. Every year, the Christmas Academy honors one individual who showed incredible bravery in service of their family. This year, we honor Charlie Bell for Grandpa needs help in the bathroom. you know, you never want to get that phone call, but when you do, you go in there, grit your teeth, and try not to make eye contact. I'm horrified to accept this award. Thank you very much. Charlie. And now, our final nominee in the best performance category. it's your visibly high cousin, Nathan's stunning answer to why does it smell like weed in the garage. Thank you. that's crazy. lots more ahead this evening, including the award for biggest bombshell drop during dinner. Well, cousin Layla, take it home with I did 23 and me and we have a sister we've never met. we'll find out after the break and. live from New York, it's Saturday! |
TheOnion | You_Want_A_Movie_Gimme_The_Stars_Onion_Talks_Ep_11 | I've been handed scripts every day by these kids, these morons, feeding me junk about traveling through time and dancing chipmunks, a bunch of guys sitting around in a bar having a drink. That ain't a movie! You ain't got stars, you ain't got nothing. You give me stars, I'll make you this movie. Movies don't come from words on paper. Movies come from here and from here! You gotta have the brains to know who the stars are, you gotta have the balls to go get them. I used to be, get a nice script, get some B-list talent. Not anymore, that's because the Arabs got all the money.
Who's this? Who? And I've shut up already, I know who the fuck it is.
She's good. She's got legs, she's got legs in all the right places, none of this ass stuff, enough with the asses. She's a star, get me her.
And I want Gosling. He's gay, but you can't knock him around like you used to. He's good on screen, he's a star. I don't want no Disney doodles, Gosling, that's something that matters. Let's give him a clap. I'm not telling you anything that every goddamn asshole who makes a frickin' penny in Hollywood don't already know.
Okay? I'm just here, there's nonsense here, what is this? Oh yeah? You wanna do this? You're so fuckin' smart here, get this out of my face. Yeah.
We get the cast, we start production on this movie tomorrow. I got the local studios, I got a crew you can wipe your ass with. Max Shimmings gonna cut the thing for Christ's sake. Just need the stars. The story will come, you get me the stars. I'll get you a story.
This thing's gotta have intrigue, it's gotta have mystery. It's gotta have murder.
Yeah.
Sex. Sex is good. Not that cheap sex, not that backseat humping shit that your husband likes to spend a dime for at the smut house. No, I'm talking about intimacy, vulnerability, some goddamn class.
That's what I want, that's what you gotta have. That'll make you a ton of goddamn money. Shut your fuckin' mouths, listen to the story I gotta tell you here. My pal Eddie, he comes to me, he's got some shit lawyer script. I look at him, I go, what is this? I'll tell you what, here's what you're gonna do.
What's this nonsense about budgets, huh? Budgets? Fuck budgets.
Fuck Tommy Lee Jones. I don't want him. And stop pushing fucking Jude Law on me.
He's a clown. Clowns don't make money.
Stars do. I do. You give me the brass. You give me the right cast. You'll be smiling from your hair down to your ass.
Join me on my cross country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud. Reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. Do you really taste cooked pork? This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. Let's pork. This is Porkin' Across America. |
dropout | the_problem_with_jeggings | Hello class! My name is Mr. Stevens. I will be your substitute while Ms. Lipitsky is getting her foot fixed. You can call me Mr. S. I have a note from the principal.
No jeggings. What? Come on, they're jeans. No, they are leggings. They're just disguised to look like jeans.
Yes, Stacy. We could see your whole S-crack. Whatever. What about my tacket? Okay, is that a tank top jacket? Yeah.
No, it's very slutty and it can't be worn. I bet you hate these Seleakers too, don't you? Yeah, those are definitely banned. No, are those pants you're wearing? What are those? Stockies? Stocking khakis? Yeah, gotcha. They're not allowed.
What about Aaron? He's wearing a hat. This is a Yamaka? What about my Yamabrah?
Wow! Yeah!
No, you're 16 and that is definitely sacrilegious. So I'm gonna bet I can't wear my Nurt. What? Am I not a shirt? Okay, that's just not wearing a shirt. Mixed with a shirt. Okay, you're gonna be suspended.
Swearengs? Sweater earrings! Those are absolutely fine, but they look terrible. Quants? They're corduroy thongs. Thongs? Gotcha. Just keep them underneath your pants.
You old fogey. Fogey. Wow, haven't heard that word in a long time. I'm 30 though, thanks.
Okay, you in the back. What are you wearing? Is that a shirt with the boobs cut out? It's a W neck. Take that off! Fine, but underneath I'm wearing a Nurt, you fucking fogey. Okay, I think you guys think that word is worse than it actually is. Can I wear this condom? Not instead of pants!
What? Now do I have your attention? Okay, here is how we're gonna do things.
Now are we clear? Yeah, whatever. Perfect. Now open up your textbooks to page 17. No, no, no, I can wear a Nurt, I am an adult, I have earned this right! |
dropout | adam_ruins_promos_adam_ruins_everything | Hi, I'm Adam Conover. On my show, Adam Ruins Everything, I reveal the hidden truth behind everything you think you know.
For example, this video. It looks like a college humor video, but it's actually an ad for my show, which returns to True TV, November 27th.
Cut! Adam, please don't do this. Don't ruin your own promo.
Okay, but that's my thing. I reveal the truth behind everything, so. And we love you for it, but we're on a schedule, and we gotta get this done. Okay, fair point. Okay.
Action! Hi, I'm Adam Conover, host of Adam Ruins Everything, but you probably know that because you've recently seen me on billboards, on talk shows, and in tweets. Fun coincidence? Nope.
A marketing team spent thousands of dollars to make those appearances feel coincidental. A recent study showed that it takes five to nine brand exposures for a brand message to take effect.
So what they- What are you doing? Why are you doing this? It's my way! But please, just read the lines. You got this. Action!
On each episode, I reveal the unbiased truth behind today's hot topics. And this video has been targeted to reach my exact demo. Fun seekers ages 18 to 49 who enjoy infotainment.
That's you, so you're guaranteed to love it.
My hair isn't actually like this. A whole team of people spend an hour a day making it do this. This isn't even a real wall. Look, it's paper.
Hey! Adam Ruins Everything is coming back!
And that excitement is me trying to arouse your basic emotions to elicit a physiological response. Doing so increases the likelihood of you remembering the ad. The messaging in this ad is tailored to College Humor fans.
So, I don't know, Brendan rules, right? Who is that? Is that somebody on College Humor?
Studies show that video engagement drops after about two minutes. So a lot of you have tuned out by now.
You can't turn it off. No, sorry. It makes family gatherings kind of tough. Adam Ruins Everything is new.
Tuesday starting November 27th. It's Christmas time is here. |
SaturdayNightLive | biden_halloween_cold_open_snl | And now, a Halloween message from President Joe Biden. Good evening, America. it's almost Halloween. I'm not out of breath. I'm just excited, because Halloween is the greatest holiday in the world. the world. But look, here's the bottom line. world is a pretty scary place right now. wars, shootings, climate change, everything in the new Britney book. that's why I want to put everyone at ease. nothing puts people at ease like an 80-year-old man hanging Halloween decorations.
Oh, yeah, baby. All right, step two. yeah. relax. I'm not gonna fall. All right, here we go. here we go for three. All right. whoo! What a man. what a mighty friend, man. All right, a little shaky. a little shaky. we can do that. All right, relax. that needs to go way up there. on second thought, let's do that later.
All right, But see, ladders are fun, though. See, when I was a kid, ladders was cutting-edge technology. this was like an ipad.
All right, ooh. look at this over here. look at this spooky decoration. that's a severed arm. Oh, shoot. Oh, no. that's not a decoration. that's an arm our dog commander ripped off a secret service agent. Oh, well. Ah. where was I?
All right. it's Halloween. I love Halloween. in fact, a lot of my closest friends are ghosts. that's why I got a plan for Halloween. it's called boo Back Booer. it's with all the classics, goblins, ghouls, and, of course, the Grim Reaper who I physically fight every single day. we got to stay positive, folks. crime is down. unemployment is down. stock market is down. well, two out of three ain't bad.
Hey, oh, it's right on time. a White House aide to help me put up the cobwebs. Me? No, I'm not an aide.
I'm new Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson. I see. All right, who? Mike Johnson. I was just elected Speaker of the House. Oh, all right. and your name is what? Mike Johnson.
No one's going to forget that. Anyway, I'm now second in line to replace you, so I'm excited to see more of this whole latter thing. So how did you end up speaker? No one knows.
And this is my adult black son, also named Michael. Hey, guys, I'm his adult black son.
I'm only 11 years younger than him, and I'm kind of a secret. it's normal. don't look into that at all. what the hell's going on? his name is also Mike Johnson. no one knows his last name. it's normal. Yeah, he often compares our situation to the movie The Blind Side, and everybody knows that story.
I don't know exactly what that was, but, hey, it's a confusing time. I just wish someone could help me explain the true meaning of Halloween. maybe I can help. I'm sorry. who are you? I'm the spirit of Halloween, the ghost of All Hallows past. in South America, they call me Papa Pumpkin. I don't know. maybe. I've never been. how did you get in here, did you? how would you? the chimney? close. the toilet. it's the Halloween way. it's what the holiday is all about. Sure, there's spooky goblins, creepy crawlers, hocus pocus, but it's about camaraderie, really. meet the neighbors you don't want to see again on any other day. after all, you can't spell Halloween without hello. I guess I never realized that. is that really how you spell it? pretty much. Now, I have a poem I would like to recite. trick or treat. smell my feet. give me something good to eat.
Oh, wow, okay, yeah. that's very nice. I'm not done. if you don't, I don't care. I'll pull down your underwear. Okay, well, I think that's just a crime.
Not on Halloween. not when Papa Pumpkin's in town. Now, come on, let me smell those feet. For America and live from New York, it's Saturday night. good evening, America. it's almost Halloween. I'm not out of breath. I'm just excited, because Halloween is the greatest holiday in the world. the world. But look, here's the bottom line. World is a pretty scary place right now. wars, shootings, classes. everything in the new Britney book. that's why I want to put everyone at ease. nothing puts people at ease like an 80-year-old man hanging Halloween decorations.
So come on, join me. we'll walk over here to the ladder. come on. here we go. your old boy Joe's going to climb a ladder. Here you go, Joe. Oh, yeah, baby. All right, step two. Yeah. relax. I'm not going to fall. All right, here we go. here we go for three. All right.
Whoo! What a man, what a man.
All right, a little shaky. a little shaky. we can do that. All right, relax. that needs to go way up there. on second thought, let's do that later. All right, but see? ladders are fun, though. See, when I was a kid, ladders was cutting-edge technology. this was like an ipad.
All right. ooh, look at this over here. look at this spooky decoration. that's a severed arm. Oh, shoot. Oh, no. that's not a decoration. that's an arm our dog commander ripped off a Secret Service agent. Oh, well. where was I? Oh, right. it's Halloween. I love Halloween. in fact, a lot of my closest friends are ghosts. that's why I got a plan for Halloween. it's called boo-back Boer. it's with all the classics, goblins, ghouls, and, of course, the Grim Reaper, who I physically fight every single day. we got to stay positive. we got to stay positive, folks. crime is down. unemployment is down. stock market is down.
Well, two out of three ain't bad. hey, oh, it's right on time. a White House aide to help me put up the cobwebs. Me? No, I'm not an aide.
I'm new Speaker of the House. Mike Johnson. I see. All right, who? Mike Johnson. I was just elected Speaker of the House. Oh, all right. and your name is what? Mike Johnson.
No one's going to forget that. Anyway, I'm now second in line to replace you, so I'm excited to see more of this whole latter thing. So how did you end up Speaker? No one knows.
And this is my adult black son. also named Michael. Hey, guys, I'm his adult black son. I'm only 11 years younger than him, and I'm kind of a secret. it's normal. don't look into that at all. what the hell's going on? his name is also Mike Johnson. no one knows his last name. it's normal. Yeah, he often compares our situation to the movie The Blind Side, and everybody knows that story Held up great. Anyway, let's go, White Dad. sounds good, adult black son. and remember my name, America, John Mikeson.
All right. I don't know exactly what that was, but hey, it's a confusing time. I just wish someone could help me explain the true meaning of Halloween. baby, I can help. I'm sorry. Who are you? The spirit of Halloween. the ghost of All Hallows' past. in South America, they call me papa Pumpkin. I don't know, maybe.
I've never been. How did you get in here, did you? Come with you, the chimney? close. the toilet. it's the Halloween way. it's what the holiday is all about. there's spooky goblins, creepy crawlers, hocus pocus, But it's about camaraderie, really. meet the neighbors you don't want to see again on any other day. after all, you can't spell Halloween without hello. I guess I never realized that. is that really how you spell it?
Pretty much. Now, I have a poem I would like to recite. Trick or treat. smell my feet. give me something good to eat. Oh, wow, okay, yeah. that's very nice. I'm not done. If you don't, I don't care. I'll pull down your underwear. Okay, well, I think that's just a crime. not on Halloween. not when Papa Pumpkin's in town. Come on, let me smell those feet.
For America and live from New York, it's Saturday night. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_bush_tax_cut_saturday_night_live | Later on, C-span, Barbara Streisand's address from this year's convention of the National Association of Female Impersonators, at which she received the group's you-go-girl award. followed by C-span's coverage of a group intervention at the offices of Representative Tom Delay, where fellow republicans confronted the Texas Congressman on how his unpleasant personality is hurting those around him. But first, Democratic Congressional leaders respond to President Bush's $1.6 trillion tax cut proposal. earlier this week, Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle and House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt held a joint press conference on the steps of the Capitol to announce their opposition to President Bush's plan. Good afternoon. thank you all for coming. A few weeks ago, Senator Daschle and I stood here to announce our opposition to this so-called tax cut. in reality, a giveaway to the wealthy.
As you'll recall, we pointed out that under this plan, the rich would get a Lexus, the rest of us a muffler. We thought that really nailed the issue, but unfortunately, apart from a modest increase in muffler sales, it didn't seem to frame the debate. Well, we're here again today because we've come up with a new, and we think, more dramatic and effective way to illustrate our point.
Imagine for a moment that this risky tax cut becomes law, and each Sunday you take your tax savings and spend it on dinner for the family. what will the Bush Plan put on your table? Well, if you're part of the wealthiest 1% of Americans under the President's plan, you'll have yourself a five-course dinner. that's right. how about beluga caviar?
But what if you're a typical middle-class family of four? what do you get for dinner under the Bush Plan? a dead squirrel. And that, in a nutshell, is the Bush Tax Cut. for the rich of five-course dinner for the rest of us, a dead, rotting squirrel. So today, we're urging all Americans who oppose this tax cut to show how they feel by sending a dead squirrel, mole, or field mouse to their representatives in Congress.
Any questions? Yes. yes, that's right. it is an actual dead squirrel, so it's fun. and it makes our point in a humorous way. Yes. Congressman Gephardt ran over it with his car, and it was still moving, so I beat it with a shovel until it stopped. disgusting? I'll tell you what's disgusting. the way this tax cut'll undo the economic progress of the past eight years. Yes? the smell? I assume that's coming from the dead squirrel. about ten days.
Well, you know what makes us want to vomit? And the typical American family of four want to vomit, the risk this tax cut poses to Social Security and Medicare.
Would I please put the squirrel down? of course. If it's upsetting you, yeah.
Any more questions? Well, I can see that some of you are vomiting already. we'll have people with hoses just as soon as we can, But in the meantime, would you kindly excuse us for a moment, we'll be right back. Thank you for your patience.
You know, I think all of us can agree that this tax cut is a pretty squirrely idea. but perhaps there's a less distasteful way of getting that point across. everybody likes sex, right? Well, let's talk about how this tax cut screws Americans. all Americans, rich and poor alike, Of course, under the Bush Plan, the rich get a much nicer screwing. for the wealthiest one percent of families, it's like going to a whorehouse and getting the works. you know, oral, straight, toe-shrimping, sex toys, the whole nine yards. of course, that's if you're in the top one percent. But what if you're a typical middle-class family of four? what do you get at what we'll call the Bush Tax Cut Brothel? a palm job from a She-mail. That, in essence is the Bush Tax Cut plan. the wealthy get off six ways to Sunday. for the rest of us, it's a cheap date with merry five fingers.
Any questions? Yes. no, we haven't tested this with any focus groups. Why?
Yes. even more sickening in its own way than the Dead Squirrel? I'll tell you what's more sickening than the dead squirrel.
Hey, what's going on? where's everyone going? we're not finished yet. there's a video. come back, please. next on C-span, more of Saturday Night Live. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_ipad_games | I'm Jeff Rubin, this is Pat Castles, and today on Bleep Loop, we are playing games on the iPad. Let's check out Uno HD. This is not your standard definition Uno. We're talking high-definition. Dose.
It should be golf. I remember playing Uno at the beach a lot when I was a kid, and now you can do the same thing. Just take your iPad to the beach, dig it in the sand, and enjoy a nice game of Uno. I have a one-device multiplayer option, so even though we only have one $500 iPad, we can still simulate the experience of us playing Uno.
I only really have one move here, and I hate to break it out, but my draw for wild. Wow. And that's... Oh, and I get to choose the wild color.
Just go. Go, man.
It's an interesting game in that it couldn't exist on a Game Boy, say. It's called Wiki Hunt. Basically, it's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon. It gives you two random Wikipedia articles, and you have to get between them in as few steps as possible.
We're starting at Harat Ash-Shama, a volcanic field covering 40,000 square kilometers, obviously, in Syria, and we have to get to the music of Palestine. Okay, easy. I guess... This will be easy assuming that Palestinians love to sing about this volcano, which is not true. Let's start with Syria.
That's one. This is definitely something your teacher would make you do in third grade, to trick you into reading the encyclopedia. Sure, sure. You think Kevin Bacon's cool. Let me tell you something.
Middle Eastern music by region, Palestinian. Music of Palestine, we did it in five clicks. You did in five clicks.
You wouldn't let me play. Well... If you think watching your friend play a video game is boring, watching him right flip through an encyclopedia is infinitely more boring.
Let's try Labyrinth 2, kind of an adaptation of the classic wooden maze, roll the ball into the whole game, but with all sorts of new gizmos and gadgets. And what's kind of neat about this one is it actually supports two iPad multiplayer. I really like what they did with the way that the wooden maze itself, you see different angles of it as you tilt it, really gives it an illusion of depth. Just like the iPad gives me the illusion that my life is going up.
Oh my god, I'm in the lead. Later loser. It's funny to call someone else a loser while you're doing this.
Another iPad to iPad game is Ocean Blue, and I use the word game very loosely. This is kind of one of those relaxing games where you're exploring the ocean, there's no beginning, there's no end, it's just, you know, take pictures of fish. But I'm the best at it. And it's kind of, you know, just look around. If you see a fish you like, click on it, check it out a little and get some info on it. Oh, I found a shark. I like getting a Tetris in this game.
Oh, here you go, Green Sea Turtle. Hello, I am Chilodia Midas, also known as Green Turtle. I come from one of the many...
This is Scrabble, of course, based on the popular Facebook game Scrabulous. And one of the neat options about this is that if you have an iPhone, you can use it as a letter rack to hide your letters from someone. So you just kind of take the letters and you flick them up and then they land on the iPad. And then once you're over here, you lay them out where you want them. We've got about $900 worth of hardware here, but we've finally made the $20 Scrabble board obsolete. One disadvantage of electronic Scrabble is that you are required to use words that are in the dictionary.
So for instance, you can't use shit. You can't use fuck. You can't use...
Alright, let's put Scrabble and Uno aside for a second and check out Bruce Lee. This is a real grown-up video game with punches and kicks and Bruce Lee and dragons and stuff.
Very grown-up. Very mature.
And this is, you know, this is what an actual video game looks like. This is not some weird Wikipedia-type thing. This is showing that the iPad could really run a game. So bottom line, what do you think? iPad? Viable? Gaming platform? It's like a Wii Game Boy in that, you know, the funnest games, I think, the ones we played with games like Labyrinth, where you're manipulating it and tilting it and using that aspect of it. Whereas like, this game, as awesome as it looks, isn't particularly, you know, that fun to play. It's a little bit of a square peg in a round hole because this is the kind of game that's popular on a PlayStation, but this isn't a PlayStation, it's got its own disadvantages and advantages. Like, for instance, you can't look at Porto on a PlayStation. |
dropout | shopping_for_groceries_like_you_re_not_single | I'm Doug, and I'm recently single. Boy, buying groceries for one can be tough, huh? But follow these sensible tips, and you'll be a solo shopping pro in no time. Use a shopping cart instead of a hand basket. Otherwise, people will know you're just shopping for yourself. Try and limit yourself to 10 cans of chunky soup. Anymore guarantees weird looks from the cashier. Yams and zucchini are the cheapest produce, making them the smallest waste of money when they go bad. They may call it a party sub, but nobody has to know it's your this month's dinner sub. Instead of Cheetos, buy sun chips. Whoa, you're looking more mature already. Hey, healthier.
And remember, hummus is a meal. Frozen pizza makes a delicious dinner for two. Meals. Two meals.
For you. Talk loudly into your phone from time to time, as if double-checking your shopping list with someone. Oh, three gallons. Got it. Stop. Broken.
The Goy aisle is usually empty, making it a great place to have your panic attack. And you'll always find a high school kid willing to sell you those cartons of cigarettes you started smoking. Your partner may be gone, but your dignity doesn't have to be. And with these shopping tips, you'll be able to hold your head up high at the grocer. Price check on nine cans of chunky soup for the guy who was crying in the Goya aisle earlier.
Thank you so much for watching. And if you want to see more videos, click the yeah to subscribe. |
dropout | hardly_working_billy_crystal | Oh, and the Super Bowl cornerback goes back with the Biggle Skin! Emily, going long, we're into the end zone! At the buzzer!
Emily, you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. These dusty boxes broke my fall, so... Whoa, what's that? It's beautiful.
Emily, do you feel anything? Do you feel anything, he says?
Yeah, you sound like my proctologist! That's funny. Wait, why did I say that? I know why.
Emily, you found it. Found what?
The Billy Crystal. The legends are true. The what? It's the ancient energy source of actor-comedian Billy Fudnick. Billy Crystal, as he's been dubbed by the Conjuring community. Forged on the set of City Slickers, blessed by Whoopi Goldberg at comic relief 1990, the Billy Crystal gives its bearer godlike power over Sammy Davis Jr. impressions and jokes about elderly relatives.
You mean like my great-uncle Moisha? That's the pot roast. I need something warm to put in my loafers. Ha! Nailed Uncle Moisha. Lovely man, though.
Dead now. No one should have this power. It's too late.
The crystal chose you. You touched it. Yeah, plus that material is golden.
I don't care. I don't want it. I want a normal life. Work. TV.
Saturdays at Yankee Stadium with my pa. We emerge from the tunnel to the mezzanine, and there it is, the outfield, the green sacred. I'm clutching my Mickey Mantle card. Gee, I wonder if Mickey'll sign it.
Ugh! What is happening to me? Oh, my God. She's become nostalgic about the New York Yankees. The power of Billy Crystal is consuming her. We have to stop it. There's only one thing more powerful than the Billy Crystal. Oh, crackling Rosa, get on board. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Ugh! What the hell is that? The Neil Diamond. Well, I don't want anything to do with it, okay? No more of that. Oh, God. I can feel it.
So good.
Stop. Well, we could try the Dustin Diamond. No. The Jack Ruby? No. Jewel. Sapphire. The Rock. No. Warmer. Then there's only one other option.
The Emerald Lagasse. Today we're going to be making a crawfish jambalaya. Bam!
Except that doesn't really make sense, does it? I mean, because Emerald doesn't have a D at the end of his name. It's just Emerald doesn't really make sense with the whole precious stone thing.
I just always wanted to be a Cajun chef.
Can't you give me that, Owen? Come on. Oh, hi.
Thanks for watching. And if you enjoyed the video, don't forget to like and subscribe.
Who? Who's been messing with this thing? Janine? We got one. |
dropout | comic_con_cosplay_catastrophe | Okay, now it's time for the Q&A portion of the Comic-Con panel. First question goes to the guy dressed as Pikachu. Actually, I'm Pikachu as a herald of Galactus. It's an original costume of my own conception. Wow, that's very creative. What's your question?
Well, frankly, I'm so flustered at your snafu that I've flumm'd forgotten it. Okay, you and the Inuyasha costume. Uh, wow, okay, sorry, I meant the non-Jedi Inuyashas. Ugh, jeez, and no steampunk goggles. Never mind, let's go to this lady over here dressed as Hermione. Actually, I'm cross-playing Harry Potter. Where are your glasses? Oh, sorry.
This makes sense in my fan-fiction. Yeah, I haven't read that. Oh, it's not text. It's a ukulele ballad. Shall I play it? You shan't. Oh my god, this one's funny.
Fat-ass ketchup. Uh, actually, I'm just ash-ketchup, so...
I'm so sorry. What's your question? Uh, it was about food, so now I don't want to ask.
Uh, the guy dressed as... Ah, Jesus, that's me. Actually, I'm Inuyasha, you. I'm you, but bit by Inuyasha? Duh? Is Inuyasha like a vampire? This one is. The Inuyasha that bit me was first bitten by the vampire Alucard. Did someone say my name? No, Castlevania Alucard. I was talking about the Hellsing Alucard. You. Oh, here's one I know.
Uh, Darth Maul. Actually, I'm Robot League's Darth Maul.
Oh, that's such a dumb thing to make up. I didn't make it up.
Actually, I'm Bruce Banner. I'm just not mad right now. Oh, fuck you, Bruce Banner. What? Well, now I'm angry. My inner monster is unleashed.
Oh, by the way, this Bruce Banner was put on planet saiyan. Oh, no. A Hulk Vegeta. Is there a Goku Thor here?
Oh, yeah. All right. Listen, does anyone have a normal costume? No gender swapping. No Digimon versions of non-Digimon things. Yes, you.
Cloud from Final Fantasy. Hey, regular old cloud here. Just cloud.
Die, you're a fucking Inuyasha. I knew it. Why would you lie? Aerith could never love a half demon. Jesus.
Does anyone have any questions about the movie? This is a fucking sneak peek of Avengers 2. |
SaturdayNightLive | mister_wizard_snl | You're watching Nickelodeon After Dark. coming up, a classic episode of Mr. Wizard. Hey, kids. Hey, Mr. Wizard. today we're gonna learn about something called static Electricity, and you're the conductor. Now, everything is made up of atoms, but what floats around those atoms? does anyone know?
Chris? I don't know. Claudette? um, I don't really know.
Now, everyone, take a balloon. Take a Balloon. Now, what I want you to do is rub that balloon on yourself.
Just like that. There you go. get it on your sweater, on your arm. you can't even rub your partner. There you go. very good. good. Go ahead. yeah. very good. get worked up. it's science. very good. All right. very good, you guys. Oh, okay.
Chris, Chris, Chris. Claudette. guys? guys, that's fine. that's enough. enough with the balloons, Okay? enough? enough? enough? Now, what have we experienced with the balloons? uh, Chris? Something new? Yes. yes, but what? I don't know. it felt like a good headache. actually, we've created an electronic field, and if you get a strong enough field, your balloons can stick to anything, even a wall. let's go ahead and rub our balloons again, this time just, uh, on the sleeve. everyone, just on the sleeve.
There you go. Now, in order for this to stick, you really need to rub a lot. the more you rub, the more those electrons will transfer over, giving you a really powerful static charge. All right, you guys feeling that charge? Yes. Yeah, I feel it. All right. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, okay. that's enough. that's enough. you guys, that's enough, please? hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's enough. that's enough. enough with the balloons. enough with the balloons. we're all done. science is fun. Not, not that, that fun. Now, um, let's put our balloons on the board, shall we? let's see what happens. see how it sticks? How about that? Now, what do we learn from the experiment? Um, I like rubbing. Not really? no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now, think about the experiment. did you, did you learn anything? balloons make things grow. Nope. no, no, no. um, let's, let's move on. Now, people aren't the only conductors. you ever heard of a vandygraph generator?
Oh, wow, that's big. Yeah, yeah. sure is. Now, this electrostatic generator can reach up to 5 megavolts just from all the vibrating. want to see what it can do to you? Yeah, hurry up. Okay. here we go. Now, go ahead and touch it. see what happens. Very good. Now, what's happening here is: we're accelerating electrons to create an electromagnetic field. if you stay in the field long enough, you'll be fully charged with negative electrons. Now, are you fully charged yet? Yeah. I'm getting there. I'm feeling it. Yeah. Oh, sweet, Maria. get, get, get off. get off of there, guys. No, but it's good for me.
Yes, science is fun. I want to do science in the shower.
No, you don't. No, you don't. when we come back, you'll learn another great conductor body heat. Oh, boy. |
cracked | 4_weirdly_specific_and_dumb_sports_tropes_yboc_parks_and_recreation_community_firefly | Whistle, hey there jocks and cheerleaders, it's me, Coach Dr. Jordan Breeding, and this is your Brain on Crack, the only show on the internet sporting every sport. Ball, stick, net, infield, outfield, guard field, those are just some of the advanced sports words that you're gonna hear in this episode, where I diagnose. There's a reason why two of the most popular sport movie sub-genres are nerdy underdogs defeating big bean jocks and animals excelling in a sport because those are exactly the types of things that you dream up while smoking weed and skipping gyms. The point is that people who go on to become screenwriters may not always be sports experts and often seem a little baffled why people would willingly do stuff that makes their skin cry smelly water. This results in a bunch of weirdly specific and recurring misconceptions about sports and physical activity in movies and TV shows. Well, at least, you know, amateur sports like. TV writers secretly believe that playing pretend combat inherently brings out our worst qualities and pumps us full of steroids.
To clarify, pretend shooting people in video games is fine but when you have to move your lower body to do it, it's like lap dancing on Satan. As such, paintball is constantly demonized in fiction, sometimes literally. In the show Good Omens, an angel and a demon in asexual love with each other try to hunt down the Antichrist and investigate a convent that once used to house a satanic order hoping to usher in the apocalypse. But they discover that the convent has been converted into a paintball course run by one of the Satanist nuns. There are at least 11 different sports in the world and yet they chose to link paintball to a literal devil cult?
Why? Is it because paintball is competitive? Well, so is Monopoly and more people have been maimed by trying to take boardwalk from me than on any modern battlefield. Whoa!
Regardless, TV and movie paintball consistently not only brings out the worst in people but also the worst people. Like in Friday the 13th, part six, Jase the Lives where Jason stumbles upon a bunch of office workers, you know, playing paintball and he goes, balls out painting the scenery with their blood. Yeah, that's right. Then you have the cast of The Big Bang Theory who, A, are a bunch of terrible people and B, go paintballing on at least four occasions. Geology isn't a real science. And that's despite the show making numerous jokes about how this group of scientists hate physical exertion. So it's kind of weird that paintball is the one outdoor activity they enjoy or it would be if the show's writers weren't secretly trying to tell us all along that Sheldon is evil and if we don't stop watching now, he's gonna one day manifest as Rosemary's ugly ass baby. Community also has two separate instances where a paintball tournament transforms an entire community college campus into a post-apocalyptic dystopia because the power to paint is also the power to destroy. Tell the drama club their tears will be real today. To take this even further, it's not exactly the same because it's less intense and much, much sadder to see an adult doing it, but sometimes shows will just replace paintball bottleneck episodes with laser tag bottleneck episodes to keep things spicy and again, very, very sad.
He beaten it. But the same narrative rules seem to apply. Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the show about five psychopathic alcoholic assholes was always destined to have a shooty sport and in the season 14 finale, Waiting for Big Mo, which was inspired by Waiting for Godot because I cannot stress enough how much screenwriters are separated from the world of sports. The Always Sunny gang goes to a laser tag arena, which somehow amplifies all of their worst qualities. Dennis becomes more manipulative, Charlie gets dumber and in general, the gang just succumbs to their baser instincts, which I know happens every episode, but this time even more, even more base. And how based am I, right kids?
And sports have bases too. I'm athletic. Sports. Anyway, how I met your mother's Barney and all around amoral womanizer and possible psychopath, we totally fit in with the Always Sunny gang like a glove. A base ball glove. Sports.
Anyway, Barney loves laser tag and in one episode completely and kind of uncharacteristically flips his lid while playing. The sport made him even more Barney-y and nobody wants that.
And who hurts you, Hollywood writers? Or more specifically, who gave you a wedgie while you impotently shot at them with your harmless laser gun?
And also, after a long day of not playing sports, I like to kick back with the greatest mobile game of all time, Raid Shadow Legends, which you can download for free for PC and mobile right now at the link in our description. It's almost like playing a sport, but you don't have to move. So it's the best kind of sport.
Look, everybody knows that Raid is a huge game, but it's about to get huger, literally. They've just added their biggest boss yet, the Hydra.
It's got a whole mess of heads and it can do crap like push damage from itself onto your team, scare your champions, rot them from the inside like Taco Bell and tons of other stuff. I mean, look at this thing. Don't you wanna like cut a couple of its heads off?
Even better, between now and January 28th, Raid is giving away a super limited edition champion to every player in the game. Some of you may recognize him already. It's esports legend and Navi superstar, simple. All you have to do is log in for seven days between now and January 28th and he's yours.
If you miss that date, you die. Or, I mean, you just don't get him, which is the fate worse than death.
But seriously, bosses based on mythical creatures and champions based on esports legends aside, Raid is actually surprisingly fun to play. I freaking love how detailed the graphics are. And there are a few things in life more satisfying than raining arrows down on my foes' domes.
All you gotta do to hit the ground running is click the link in our description or scan the QR code and you'll get an epic champion, Aina. 200K silver, one energy refill, one XP boost, and one ancient shard so you can summon awesome champions as soon as you get in game. Those specific rewards will only be available for the next 30 days and only for new players. So hurry up and click the link in the description so I can watch you get destroyed in game, which again is better than playing sports.
Gravity Falls is an animated show about twins solving paranormal mysteries in Oregon, except for when it becomes an R-rated Cronenbergian horror. Yeah! One of the show's main characters is Mabel, which to clarify rhymes with table and glable, just in case you doubted that she was so quirky. It also rhymes with... A more relevant thing you need to know about old quirky Mabel is that she loves mini golf, and is really good at it. This comes in handy in the episode, The Golf War, where Mabel challenges her rival to a mini golf tournament and comes across a race of mini golf ball people called lily puttians. The name makes more sense written out than spoken. But that's just the front nine of this trope because it also appears in the Fox animated comedy, Bless the Hearts, thank King of the Hilton in North Carolina.
The main character, Jenny Hart, is hyper positive and talks to Jesus on the reg, which is kind of a normal thing for a lot of people, but in her case, J.C. talks to a lot of people and talks back. Twilight Jacob, what's the sexy one? He also lives in a mural in the restaurant that she works at, his one sassy little number.
I'm sorry, I ate you and sprayed you and threw you in the garbage.
So that alone tells you that Jenny is a little offbeat, but all doubt is removed when it's also revealed that Jenny is a prodigy level mini golfer. But if we're talking about quirky female volcanoes of positivity, we have to mention the patron saint of such characters. Leslie Knope from Parts of Recreation, who has said, check this out, a government employee who cares about her community and the greater good, quirky.
I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. She also has a crush on Joe Biden back when he was still just a VP and just like a shredded slice of 68 year old man meat or whatever. And she always carries emergency s'mores in her car, which is goofy.
So naturally, what does she play during one of the few times we see Leslie play a sport and get really into it? Here's a hint, rods, balls, holes. Sorry, that felt weird. The answer was mini golf. Again, I really dropped the ball there. Sports. Also, a one-off character in Sweet Life of Zack and Cody named Ella is very good at mini golf.
And the wiki says, Ella is an average height. She wears casual clothes, not too fancy, yet not low quality. Ella is fairly bulky, but not fat at all. In addition, Ella has long frizzy slash curly hair.
Is that quirky? No! But is the writer of that blurb gonna murder somebody someday and I felt the need to warn the internet before it happens? Probably. How did you not?
Look, there's nothing particularly weird about being good at mini golf, but when writers decide that only women are proficient or passionate about it, it feels like they're trying to tell us something. Like maybe that mini golf is cute and colorful, so it's the perfect sport for ladies while real golf should be left to the badass men. Even Happy Gilmore sucks at mini golf and he's a mostly professional golfer. Guess he wasn't adorable or female enough. Or maybe he's just better at pool, because... When you think about it, pool and mini golf aren't that different.
It's still just essentially rods, balls, and holes, only the holes are closer together and you hold your sports stick weird. But that small change in grip seems to metaphorically transform the stick into Lucifer's penis.
Because most times when you see someone shooting pool on screen, chances are that they're a bad guy. Because that's how metaphors work. Yeesh. Now this isn't a totally random choice because billiard or pool halls in the 60s and 70s were known, whether justifiably or not, as seedy, sketchy places that had gambling and drinking and other things that we now know are awesome. That's why when Jiminy Cricket lists all devices of Pleasure Island in Pinocchio, he said, drinking, smoking, playing pool! I'll fuck your puck off! But all that was well over half a century ago and historically, a lot of totally normal things were once accused of ruining society like bicycles as people were afraid that women would use them to meet up with men for premarital sex. But if you made a bunch of movies today featuring bike harlots, which please do, people would be rightfully a little confused. And yet the aged out obsolete stereotype of the evil pool player remains to this day despite the world's top pool and snucker players essentially being math nerds which just really developed muscles in one arm which is true of most nerds, you masturbators. Anyway, we see pool shooting gangsters in modern shows and movies like Daredevil, The Sopranos, Law and Order, and CSI, but it's weirder when movies and shows feel the need to establish their non-gangster characters evil bona fides by having them play pool or stand next to a pool table or just own one. That happened with Alfred Molina's evil bishop in the DaVinci Code and Lex Luthor in Superman Returns. Hell, whenever Batman and basically any medium has to go into a CD bar to get information, it's always storyboarded the exact same way. Batman enters, a bunch of dudes look up from their pool table, attack them with their cues, and end up with so many bruises, it looks like somebody rubbed the blue chalk all over them. And fun fact, nobody knows what that stuff does. And anyone who's ever put it on their cue is faking it, just like condoms. Now there are exceptions to this rule, like Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince or Danny from Full House, both of whom are definitely good guys and pool prodigies. Unless the shows are dropping hints about an implied dark past where they beat people to death with cue balls. But the evil pool player stereotype is so ingrained in our pop culture it even pops up in fantasy and sci-fi shows like when the vampire Spike taunts Buffy and Buffy the Vampire Slayer about killing two of her predecessors over a game of pool. Or in Firefly, when Nathan Fillion talks to his space slave trader, which is like a regular slave trader, but in space, while they're playing a game of hollow pool. So even in the distant future, bad guys still love to bend over and put some balls in holes. Yes, that's a very awkward and nerdy way to phrase it, but also it's pretty cool.
Which segues nicely to my next point. Why are sports the only job where workers require and receive constant motivation?
And why did it apparently start with somebody saying, hey, why don't we start with a harem of hot girls and skirt so short they technically count as belts. But if that doesn't do the trick, let's just go with John Muppets designed by Jim Hinton Gardner. And I have no idea who this anti-Ted Lassa was, but for reasons unknown, this idea caught on.
And now sports mascots are a terrifying, creepy, a hundred percent unnecessary thing. And in movies, they're also something else. A way for upbeat, fun losers to participate in a sport without having to show up for practice. This is important for sports. It's actually kind of suspect how many sports mascots in movies and TV shows are played by un-sporty, but confident and therefore secretly kind of cool losers. I'm not suggesting this is a way for writers to metaphorically put themselves in their stories and live out some high school fantasy about being part of the team in a believable way because there's nothing metaphorical about it. Especially on Blue Mountain State where the show's creator, Chris Romano, literally plays Sammy, the mascot of the titular Blue Mountain State University football team.
I'm gonna rip your ears off.
And also a massive, albeit extremely confident loser who lives in the team's frat house closet and is basically their, well, not slave. Like that's not the right word, but it's in the ballpark. Ha ha, sports. Similarly, the good hearted and utterly confident loser, Bobby Hill, from King of the, King of the, okay, that's what the title means. Anyway, in the episode, What Makes Bobby Run, he briefly becomes the school mascot because again, there are two wolves raging inside him. And one of them is apparently named Landry Longwood.
This becomes even clearer in Easy A, a movie where a bunch of people lie about having sex with Emma Stone, which kind of makes it a documentary. Why would a fellow wanna girl like her? In it, the guy from You plays Stone's love interest, Todd, who's by all accounts a nice, decent guy.
However, he is also their school's mascot, Woodchuck Todd, which he finds the meaning because the year before he was the Blue Devil, which is way cooler. Suddenly Todd is wearing an embarrassing Woodchuck costume, which is affecting his sexiness, you know, because mascots are usually sexy.
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Woo!
Then, in the 2011 slasher comedy, Detention, the main character, Riley Jones, who's the self-proclaimed biggest loser in her high school, despite still looking better than basically anybody I know in real life and having a boyfriend, plays the mascot for a bit. But what a loser, even though she's cool and attractive. How is this tension even possible? And Riley is also a near exact copy of Katharine Newton's character, Millie Kessler, from the 2020 slasher comedy Freaky, who also is a total, albeit extremely attractive and ultimately cool loser, and the school's mascot. Weirder yet, the Vince Vaughn movie, just like the tension, is also about switching bodies, and well, he kisses a teen boy, which according to the rules means 10 minutes in the penalty box.
Get in your sports prison and think about what you've done. Probably fucked like a hundred times. Think fast. Sports. Ha, ha. |
ClickHole | lesbians_explain_simcity_4_cheat_codes | A lot of people want to know how to unlock reward buildings. To do that, type, you don't deserve it, into the console window. If you need more money, type weakness pays. It's one word, no spaces. Each time you enter, a thousand simoleons are added to your treasury, and you can use weakness pays as many times as you want. Can you get more cash by typing Rosebud?
No. Rosebud only works in the Sims. It does not work in the Sims today. Fight the power turns off electricity requirements. And typing how dry I am turns off water requirements.
Those are both one word with no spaces. There's also a code to change your city's name. It's where are you from. But this is very important. The words where and from are full words, and are and you are just single letters. Just type the letter R and the letter U between where and from. Changing the time is a little complicated. You have to type, what time is it? But spell is with a Z instead of an S. The rest of the words are spelled normal. Don't know why they did that. You can also stop time by typing stopwatch, then enter it again to restart time.
Size of changes game magnification, but you can only enter in values from 1 to 100. Don't type in 101, though. It cannot zoom that far. Just don't do it. If you want to hide zoning coloration, just type zonerio. But if you want to hide notification icons, just type tastyzots.
Flora off deletes all trees from empty terrain, but it's not reversible. Seriously, don't type flora off unless you're sure you want those trees gone. Flora off is two words, not one.
Finally, these codes are really cool, but don't let them ruin the game for you. You really should have at least one save file where you don't use any cheat codes to make it easier. That way, when you succeed in building a flourishing metropolis, it'll be much more satisfying. you |
cracked | most_uncomfortable_intramural_sport_strategy_ever_sports_movie_parody | What the hell, guys? That was the worst defense I have ever seen in my three years of flag football volunteer coaching. Jensen, last possession. The receiver was going for the end zone. You totally had him covered. I saw you put your hands on the flag.
Then at the last second, you pulled away? You can't explain? I just didn't want to touch his dick. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Your mouth, p***, was too quiet.
What did you say? His dick? Coach? What? His dick, coach.
I didn't want to touch it. They feel weird, other guys. I don't like them. Me either. They feel like those squishy tube toys that you put your finger in. Like the ones at the gift shop?
That's exactly what I was going to say. Everybody shut up. Nobody's asking you to touch anybody's Johnson, Jensen.
Just aim for the flag. But the other team keeps moving their flags over their dicks. It's like little capes, like little dick capes. That's actually a really good strategy. It's like the whole game was designed around accidental dong touching. Dudes, focus. We've got playoffs in two weeks. And the fourth floor football freaks are tough. Worse than that, they're mean. And if you don't think that right now, they're tying their flags in little knots or in the freshman dingle dongs, then you're dead wrong. But don't worry, guys.
I've been here before, and I'm going to show you boys how to be men. I'm going to turn you into dick grabbing machines. By the time I'm done with you, you'll be able to grab life by the balls and the shaft. I know that sounds terrifying to some of you. I know some of you are shriveling up like a nut sack in the autumn breeze.
You know what? You signed up for flag football because you wanted to experience life. And guess what?
Life is hard. Dicks are hard. And sometimes you have to touch a flaccid or even quasi-ref penis to get ahead. You're going to have to get your hands dirty. It's going to be weird. Dicks are weird.
But if you want to grab the glory, you have to be the man who reaches down for that flag and comes up with a fistful of dong and says, it's OK. That's like whatever. It's cool. Wait up, wait up, coach.
You made this possible. And I think I speak for us all when I say thank you. I only showed you the door, guys. Your hard work, determination, and progressive sexual apathy is really what brought us in.
Yeah! Sexual apathy!
Oh!
By the way, we're not going to tell anybody about this, right? Hello, everyone. It is I, Tibural, king of the fairies, asking you to subscribe to the Cracked Channel. Seriously, you guys, it's Mike. They're going to make me keep doing this character. If you don't subscribe, please help me out. Oh my god. I'm sorry. OK. Seriously, though? Rate and subscribe. OK? No, I'm doing it. I'm...
Ha-ha! Hands on the flag!
You pulled away? You can't explain? I just... I didn't want to touch his dick. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Your mouth... Was too quiet. What did you say?
His dick? Coach? What? His dick. His dick, Coach.
I didn't want to touch it. They feel weird, other guys. I don't like them. Me either. They feel like those squishy tube toys.
You can put your finger in. Like the ones at the gift shop? Yeah. That's exactly what I was...
Everybody shut up! Nobody's asking you to touch anybody's Johnson, Jensen.
Just aim for the flag. But the other team keeps moving their flags over their dicks! It's like little, little capes, like little dick capes. That's actually a really good strategy. It's like the whole game was designed around accidental dong touching.
I mean, dudes, focus! We've got playoffs in two weeks, and the fourth floor football freaks are tough. Worse than that, they're mean. And if you don't think that right now, they're tying their flags in little knots or in their freshman dingle dongs, then you're dead wrong. But don't worry, guys.
I've been here before, and I'm going to show you boys how to be men. I'm going to turn you into dick-grabbing machines. By the time I'm done with you, you'll be able to grab life by the balls and the shaft. And I know that sounds terrifying to some of you. I know some of you are shriveling up like a nut sack in the autumn breeze.
But you know what? You signed up for flag football because you wanted to experience life. And guess what?
Life is hard. Dicks are hard. And sometimes you have to touch a flaccid or even quasi-ref penis to get ahead. You're going to have to get your hands dirty. It's going to be weird. Dicks are weird. But if you want to grab the glory, then you have to be the man who reaches down for that flag and comes up with a fistful of dong and says it's okay.
That's like whatever. It's cool.
Wait up! Wait up, coach!
You made this possible. And I think I speak for us all when I say thank you. I only showed you the door, guys. Your hard work, determination, and progressive sexual apathy, is really what brought us in.
Yeah! Sexual apathy! Whoo! That's good!
By the way, we're not going to tell anybody about this, right? Hello, everyone. It is I, Tibural, King of the Fairies, asking you to subscribe to the Cracked channel. Seriously, you guys, it's Mike. They're going to make me keep doing this character. If you don't subscribe, please help me out. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Okay, seriously, though? Rate and subscribe, okay? No, I'm doing it!
Ha-ha! |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_back_to_the_future_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | DELIVIOUS! Back to the Future is already pretty strange in the way that making out with your mom is pretty strange. You're so, uh, you're so... But the strangeness becomes much more pronounced if Marty is a girl. And that's without digging into the young woman sneaking out late at night to conduct experiments with an old man. So what's blast Martha's sweet ass to the past and see how that makes us feel? Because I'm curious if it remains a beloved family movie classic that's also the go-to film for both screenwriting classes and useless substitute teachers looking to kill a couple hours. Regardless, you're watching Gender Swap. I'm Allie, and this is Back to the Future.
The Workshop. Okay, so bad things off the bat. We meet Martha's mom as she sits in a tree with binoculars hoping to spot Martha's dad's dick through the window. That's problematic no matter the gender, but also pointless, right? Like, what are the chances that she's really gonna spot anything worth ogling from that distance? If you're asking me, I'd say unobserved Schrodinger's dicks are rarely impressive creatures.
Martha gets hit by a car after pushing her peeping Jane mother out of the way and awakens in her underwear with her young daddy staring lustfully at her. The first thing her dad reveals is that he inspected her underwear very closely to the point that he assumes her name must be Victoria's Secret. And he also requests to sit inches from her nearly nude body and possibly spend the night with her.
In media criticism, we call the recurring trope of a man falling in love with his lovely attentive nurse, the Florence Nightingale Effect. So what does that make this? Maybe the, um, Florida Man at Night Effect. But wait, let's back up for a second.
Did Martha's grandpa just run her over with a car so hard she blacked out? Did Gramps ever consider taking this legal child to the hospital before dragging her lifeless body into his home, removing her clothes and stuffing her into his underage son's bed? Maybe when you run a boy over with a car, it's like, eh, just rub some dirt on a kid. But surely, hitting a woman with a car would be taken somewhat seriously, right? Like, what if her lady parts got all jumbled around inside? But here's what's really weird. This isn't Martha's grandpa's first rodeo. Either Martha's dad is extremely popular with local pervert women or Martha's grandpa is just unusually bad at not running women over.
Or both. Either way, it feels like he should consider changing something about the situation. But okay, sure.
Grandpa does drag Martha inside to ostensibly keep an eye on her and her injuries. Or rather, he strips her naked and lets his son watch her. But that's really only like a nice thing for, what, 20 minutes? Tops? Martha's mom reveals that Martha has been unconscious for a whopping You're telling me that a girl you hit with a car was asleep for more than an entire work day and you never once considered taking her to see a doctor? Martha's dad says Martha should spend the night since they... And Martha's grandma is basically like, oh yeah, sure. I guess he can spend the night out with us almost killing you and giving you near certain brain damage. Here, sleep with my son as penance for our sins. Hell, does Martha's dad not worry that Martha has some sort of brain damage? Or is that what actually gives him the confidence to fondle her under the table? That's... that's bad, right?
When Martha hops up to... When Martha hops up to leave, because again, her dad is trying to...
Her grandma just says she's a strange girl and grandpa takes it a step further and calls her... An idiot. After Martha spouts a bunch of nonsense about watching TV shows that haven't aired yet and mentioning politicians that nobody knows, both are interesting names to call somebody whose brain is potentially misfiring thanks to getting slammed on the pavement by a moving vehicle.
But okay, Martha survives the near murder and now all she's got to do is constantly rebuff her father's increasingly forward advances while foisting him off onto her awkward mom who's really into sci-fi books. This eventually culminates in a plan whereby Martha's like, okay, my dad wants to have sex with me so bad, we should just use that to our advantage. I'll scheme a scenario where I'm about to hook up with my dad, but I'm so aggressive and borderline abusive, my mom will have to drag me out of the car to save my dad's innocence. Even just explaining this though, how the hell does that even work? Putting aside the fact that realistically, most women who agree to sex with a man usually require them to correctly answer some variations of her riddles three so she can be reasonably confident he won't make it so she's never found again. What does being so forward that it's a turnoff look like in this scenario? Is Martha going to have to suggest some crazy wizard role play where she smacks her wand into this dude's genitals until he cries uncle? The only examples of women being too sexually aggressive for a man that they get in pop culture are usually played for laughs, like in Horrible Bosses with Jennifer Aniston and Charlie Day. I'm gonna fuck your wife, Dale.
No, no. No. Uh, no you're not. So, is this now a comedic scene? I'm gonna take it out of your ass.
Of course, we wouldn't actually get a chance to see how Martha's plan would go, because Martha's dad actually gets sexually harassed by a different aggressive woman named, I don't know, Quiff, who locks Martha in the trunk of a car because, again, this version of Hill Valley is home to the horniest, craziest women of the 1950s, which gives me a great idea for a calendar. This reminds me, have you ever noticed that almost all movie love triangles between two men and one woman? There are very few examples of a man choosing between two mostly equal women. Like, if a man is choosing, it's between his harpy, evil girlfriend who is objectively hot but also eats live iguanas and stabs children, and the exciting manic pixie dream girl who is known for years but never really noticed, you know? Society seems to suggest that men are always the pursuers. Even in this scenario with two women fighting over a dude, the male character still ends up pursuing that manic pixie dream girl. In a traditional rom-com, the female lead merely succumbs to the pursuits of one of the two men. But in this hypothetical movie, we've got multiple women fighting over a man who makes no real effort to pursue them, and it feels off-putting and shitty rather than romantic, right?
Yes, I know I made it up, but it's still worth thinking about. I think. Of course, now that I've said it all out loud, this is kind of a movie I'd want to see. I mean, it's borderline become a coked-out, kill-bill-esque sexual powerplay revenge fantasy and injured women taken advantage of by a creepy man concocts a plan to use her sexuality to manipulate him and drive him into the arms of a woman who literally stalks men for her voyeuristic pleasure. I mean, wow.
Somebody call Tarantino. Tarantino.
Well, I just reject your hypotheses. Oh, and about that, is it still a classic question? Hell yeah, it is.
Everybody should watch Back to the Future. But you might also want to have a little pep talk with your kids after to explain that the people of this city are batshit insane. This is not how real people act, so please don't be like these people.
Great female name! McFly! You hot bitch! You sure are lucky you got away from me again because I was going to beat your ass.
I don't know why I keep crashing my car into manure. There's either a lot of manure in this town or I'm crashing it because I'm not good at driving because I'm a woman.
God, my dad wants to fuck me so bad. What can a woman say to get a guy to stop him from wanting to fuck you?
I love you. We should get married now. You should meet my parents. We should go on a vacation together to Amish country where there are no cell phones. Totally hypothetical. If you found out that somebody that you knew was, for example, your daughter, would you kiss them? No, I love sexy role play.
Okay, in this one, we've been married for 25 years and we're both trying to pick out a couch at IKEA. IKEA? It's a Swedish furniture store?
Alright, you might not be ready for that, but your kids are going to love it. Oh, you like that one, Papa? Sorry, you wanted me to say Daddy? No, I don't call you Daddy. I call you Papa because you're my dad.
Um, there has to be something else. Come on, what else doesn't Seinfeld like about his girlfriends? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_09_8_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the Weekly Batuda News Bulletin, coming to you from Koala Mattress Studios in downtown Batuda. Joining me in the studio is Wendell Hussey, the cadet from the Batuda Advocate. Thanks for steering the ship while I was away, Del. My pleasure, Bruce. I'm sure the listeners inside the Diamantina Shire and in other parts of the country are very glad to hear the dulcet tones of your golden tonsils again. I hope you enjoyed your cruise. Thanks, mate. Certainly was a nice holiday. Gastro aside, of course. Anyway, let's get into it. Here are the top stories from the Batuda Advocate, Australia's oldest and most respected newspaper.
First up, and in national news, scientists have confirmed this week that executives at the grocery giant, Coles, break down exactly a thousand years faster than their plastic bags. The finding by Australia's peak scientific body, the CSIRO, comes after the supermarket heavyweight announced that they'd be caving on their new plastic bag scheme and handing the bags out for free before they change their mind again at the end of the month. In one of the most impressive backflips since Mike Baird caved on his plans to turn Wentworth Park into a church, Coles are going to continue giving out bags as customers need more time. Their CEO said to us, Just like Woolies, we sell overpriced shit produce, gouge farmers across the country, and spam people with our appalling ads. So we figured, why not take the opportunity to create a point of difference and give out free plastic bags?
And Wendell, in news around town this week, a priest has mistaken a local man's confession as a job application. Yeah, that's right, Bruce. The controversial local Catholic priest, Father Ricepell, embarrassed both himself and an anonymous penitent who had approached a confession booth to seek penance for his historical sex crimes. In the Catholic teaching, the sacrament of penance is the method of the church by which individual men and women may confess sins committed after baptism and have them absolved by God through the administration of a priest. Father Ricepell, who was recently moved to the Diamantina area after running into a bit of mischief in Tamworth several years ago, was left confused by the man's admission that he'd actively crossed the line of sexual consent in several circumstances over the last few decades. Ricepell told us, Yeah, I should have just forgiven him. You know, that's what he's there for. But instead I offered him a job. He wasn't expecting that, was he? And Bruce, we are still waiting to hear back whether the offender took up the offer, so we'll endeavour to keep the public up to date as the story unfolds.
Right, well, elsewhere around town, the advocate was on the scene for a passive-aggressive showdown this week. Yes, that's right, it was a showdown until the retail employee at the centre of the tussle just fired the kill shot and dropped the hun bomb. After going back and forth for some time with a suburban mum about returning a product that was visibly used, young Phoebe decided that she'd had enough, so she decided to use the word hun, which is widely regarded as the sister term of the word champ, and is a way of politely insulting someone in an extremely condescending fashion. Phoebe explained that it's a hun-eat-hun world and she knew she had to get on the front foot, so she just went there. Yeah, it is a surefire way to get the upper hand.
And in other news around Batutah this week, a local man has received a promotion. The commercial leasing agent was promoted by a colleague and elevated from work friend status to actual friend status after getting the call up on the weekend. The man named Gary got the nod after his colleague ate four low quality MDMA capsules on Saturday night and needed some company for a dip in Lake Batutah. Onlookers say the two were seen running up and down the beach hand in hand in a heartwarming display of friendship. Yeah, what a lovely story. Yeah, a nice feel good one, isn't it Bruce?
Not like this next one Del, where a local moron had to wash his clothes for the fifth time this week. The young bachelor was forced to do the same load for the fifth time after forgetting to hang out his laundry again. Miles, the young man from the French Quarter explained that he was already down to his last pair of socks that day and really had to think on his feet. We'll be checking in to see if he had to do a sixth cycle later in the week.
And on the sporting front, Bruce, we've got a bit of a left field story. Yeah, a great story.
An Australian man has won the Nobel Prize equivalent for mathematics after cracking the code to virtual greyhounds. Yes, the field's prize, as it is known, was won by a professor Ashkay Ventikesh after he figured out the algorithm behind the virtual dogs. The virtual greyhounds found in almost every pub and club around the country are an online simulation of greyhound races and have long been a thing of wonder. Ashkay explained that he was incredibly humbled by the honour and he said to us, Hmm, interesting story that one, Wendell. I've always found that the key to the virtual dogs is to not go anywhere near them for the sake of my financial stability.
Anyway, that's it for the News Wrap this week. Thanks for tuning in. Just a quick reminder that Clancy and Errol are taking the Batoota Advocate on tour. So head to the website if you want to get front row seats to our humble Outback newspaper when it comes to town. And don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hasse. |
dropout | hardly_working_secret_society | I got the Netflix diss back in the mail right and the scratch on it not like this big, but that was a mouse Sorry, okay, Jesus I'm sorry I'm sorry Oh What where who are you where am I we saw what you did to Sarah? Oh, no listen that that was an accident I swear they're not you're among friends for you're now in the secret sanctum of the lady punchers We are an ancient society honoring that most noble of traditions Punching ladies what and now you are one of us No, no listen that I didn't didn't mean to hit Sarah that I apologize afterward Yes, you were being sarcastic. I'm telling you now that I wasn't you don't need to pretend anymore We are brothers united in our goal of sucking ladies in the mouth. That's atrocious. Why would this society even exist? Our history is a tale as old as time in 1973 so recent our founder Uriah P Miller was wandering through the wilderness When he came upon an outlet mall that had a bulk discount on these very robes And on that day he formed the lady puncher Wow, that does not even like remotely begin to answer my can I go back to my friends now it is too late You can never see your friends again. Yeah. Yeah, I can they're right over there No, they will never accept Patrick Castle's lady puncher Patrick Castle's lady punchers Patrick Castle's punches ladies Listen, I'm not a lady puncher.
Oh, then why do you bear the birthmark? Oh get off of me? Stop it get off You clearly drew that with a marker or something Look, listen, I'm not like you.
I love ladies. Yes. We all love punching ladies.
That's obviously not what I said I'm not you're not listening. I'm not I don't be part of your stupid society. Well, not yet We're still drafting the announcement. Yeah, what is what's your mother's email address? None of your business. I don't want to be in your stupid club. It's wicked and evil you people are monsters How dare you sir, we are human beings I myself and my father and I dream of a day when people will be free to punch my little girl. That's atrocious I'm leaving restrain him Get off of me get get off. Ah Yeah, you like that. Oh my god No, no Crazy coincidence.
I had no idea you were what wait, what is a woman doing in this society? Anyway, why couldn't there be a girl in here? Lady punches an equal opportunity organization that doesn't make any sense. Oh, wow. Maybe in your narrow world view What women are good enough to be lady punchers? I'm confused.
Yeah, you would be come on guys. It's getting real big at it in here. Yeah Guys no, come back. Listen, you got all right.
I love punching ladies. I love hitting the Hey, Sarah not |
wearethesundayblues | differences_between_south_africans_australians_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Hi there, we're Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues. We get a lot of comments on our YouTube channel, some quite offensive. People have called me morbidly obese. Tattoo dick I think was... That was one of the words they said. Yeah. All of these are fine and actually true. None as insulting as the following. Hurts, hurts a little bit.
I just got off the phone with my mom just now. She can't stop crying. We've flown an actual real life Australian here today. It wasn't easy to get him down, he didn't want to pay for the flight, but we lured him here with a limited box set of Crocodile Dundee. We've got Matty's in the next room. We actually haven't met him yet, don't really want to. So let's have a look at the many, many differences between South Africans and Australians.
For example, this is how we say hello. Hello. Also just hello. In Australia we say hello or g'day.
It's a bit arrogant tone in his voice, that tone. He was quite aggressive wasn't he? Not as many swear words as you'd think though. Well actually a lot of Aussie guys are into poetry and literature and we're a lot more erudite than many dickheads expect.
South Africans are very friendly. Always quick to welcome new visitors with a friendly handshake. Well us Australians we love a friendly handshake too, but when you first meet someone it's traditional just take a quick dump on your hands and then you shake hands letting the stool mesh between the fingers and that's how you signal your intention to be friends.
That is disgusting. Here in South Africa human faeces goes in one place okay and that is the statue of Cecil John Rhodes and sometimes an airport entrance. In Australia every single animal and insect is trying to kill you. Whereas in South Africa all the people want to kill you.
We get electricity for 20 hours a day and when they turn it off it's called load shedding and you don't even have to pay for it. That's progress. Well we also have load shedding it's a bit different but it does still happen with the lights off and it's when a man loves a woman very much and she helps him to shed a load of his own. We have knickknacks. And in Australia they're called twisties and they don't have NSG. Which is why South African children grow up bigger, they run faster and they only have minor scrotal defects amongst the girls.
Well Australia is a free country. Everyone here is free to vote now. Everyone is free to earn an honest living, free to shoot their girlfriend on Valentine's Day and get away with it.
We've got a massive rock as a national landmark and tourist attraction. We also have a big rock as a national landmark and tourist attraction.
So what's it called? Uluru. When we play sport against other countries we wear green and gold. Yeah we also wear the green and gold guys. Did he say clean and gold? Is that even a colour? Green and gold. Is it not maybe green and then kind of just like a polished up kind of like brown? Like a shit brown colour? Like like bronze. Definitely gold. It's good colours, nice.
Don't tell me that you like cooking meat above an open flame outdoors whilst drinking a beer. Oh you mean a barbecue? We fucking love barbecues. You get a load of dead animal, you just whack it, you char the shit out of it, you just pop a tin, you get as much alcohol from outside your body, you stick it in.
This guy's not. He's actually not so bad here. I can see what's happening.
We're becoming friends. There's so much to talk about. I mean we've got loads to talk about. So much. Um I mean there's just so much. Talk for hours. It's got it's got a bit boring though hasn't it?
Go on you proteus, your cricket team's named after a flower. Wallabies, just made up, just to fuel cells of wannabe repellent. If you wannabe my lover. Oh Nelson Mandela, oh great world leader but he couldn't break dance for shit. How many number one singles did he have?
Oh my name's Bruce, my dad's name's Bruce and my sister's name's Bruce. Hey guys thanks a lot it's been a lot of fun. You're welcome. |
dropout | I_Overshared_So_Now_You_Have_To | Oh hey, how's it going? Not good. Uh, everything okay? Last night I got in an argument with my boyfriend, Slapped. Uh, about what?
Soap, but it dug up this buried resentment he has toward his mom, and now I'm not sure I ever want to get married. It's just hard because he lives in Australia, so we only have these short windows to talk at night, and last night I had to hang up because I had diarrhea. Long distance is hard, you know? Yeah, it sounds hard.
Wait, um, I think I remember. You did long distance, right? Yeah. Cool, so what's going on? Um, you know, same ol' stuff, um, oh, I think we're getting pizza for the lunch meeting today. Okay, no, I went, so you have to go. Huh?
I shared my personal problems, many of which you can relate to, and you didn't reciprocate, so now it's uneven and I feel vulnerable, so. I thought I was, like, listening and stuff. Listen, that is not helpful. Um, you want diarrhea medicine? No, I need you to share a story of equal or greater pain. Why? Because that's how humans heal. I dump my BS on you, and you dump on me.
Oh. So.
I guess I just don't really vent about my problems. Tell me about your long distance relationship, you'll feel better. So long ago, I just don't want to dredge up the past. Just one detail, tell me. Okay, um, fine. Long distance was... hard.
No!
Were you jealous? There was jealousy. There's always jealousy, right?
I need to go for a walk. No, no, no, no. Were you insecure? I'm so tired. It's normal, right? Everyone goes through this? Come back, come back. Just tell me one weird or shameful thing about your life so I can feel less personally cursed and alone. Okay, um, I had pizza twice this week, and I want it again.
Wow, yeah, it feels good. Why are you doing this to me? I'm nice to you. Oh hey, John. Oh hey, how's it going?
Badly. My boyfriend ended things last night, I feel like a loser. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Breakups are the worst, right?
Hey, thanks for letting me vent. See? John shares his feelings about being a single freak who will never find love, and that makes him feel better. John, you are safe to share your feelings with me any time. No thanks, I'm good. Why are we all suffering alone?
Katie, stop! Look what you're doing to him! Tao, what do you hate about your life? What are you ashamed of? Just tell me one thing so I can move on.
Okay, fine! I don't always floss. Okay, overshare, I do not know you like that. Are you my freakin' dad? |
dropout | shipping_the_otp_dating_commercial | I never thought I'd find love until I tried One True Pairing. Yes. One True Pairing is the only place where fictional characters are mashed with the other fictional character they were obviously meant to be with. It's not dating, it's shipping. Hi, I'm Amanda, founder and head chipper at One True Pairing. I will read all of your movies and watch all of your books and find out who you are truly destined to be with. At One True Pairing, Amanda matches us using 14 levels of compatibility. I didn't realize we were meant to be until Amanda compiled 17 gifts of us almost kissing. We did it again. Oh, it's so hot and it makes so much sense. My ships are the best ships.
I don't care what you think, Katie Larson. Unfollow if you don't agree.
It's hard to find time to date when you're overthrowing the government. I never would have thought of this. Katniss would never be happy with just one guy. She needs a good guy and a bad boy. And Peter and Gail, I'm sorry, it's just too obvious. It's so easy. Amanda will even write your first date for you.
Elsa sat alone in her ice castle. She was bored. Then a knock at her ice door. A handsome man appeared. Special Agent Fox Mulder, FBI. Where did this ice castle come from? The sexual tension was palpable. Mulder would obviously love Elsa because she's so supernatural. But Elsa would want Mara's open mind.
Oh my God, my palms are sweating. And the best part is, it's perfectly free. That's right. I do this for fun and passion. But also because I was sick of seeing people ship Goku and Vegeta. Vegeta clearly belongs with Bulma, okay? It doesn't matter that she was with Domcha first. She's not a tainted woman, Katie. So many people have found love with one true pairing. How do I know it works? I'm not only a founder, I'm also a member. We're in love, and you can be too. Sign up for one true pairing today. |
cracked | 4_terrible_movie_franchises_saved_with_one_small_change_yboc_dceu_indiana_jones | Hey there nerds, it's me, Dr. Jordan Breeding. And as a real doctor specializing in film diagnostology, I have pointed out a lot of movie problems without actually doing much to fix them.
Which, to be clear, is my right as an American. But lately, I've been thinking, what if I did the opposite of what the current cultural climate encourages and tried to actually, you know, help? I mean, it seems like a great way to become a communist, but here goes nothing, Go Mids.
A lot of movies share surprising similarities, like how so many movies have the classic, people from two different worlds fall in love and become blue. You know, like an Avatar and Titanic. But what if we use comparisons like this to fix movies rather than to just make jokes about drowning in frozen water? How can that be preferable to watching another Avatar? For example. The first Captain America movie tells the story of an adventuring superhuman trying to stop Nazis from acquiring a powerful religious artifact while Ridders of the Lost Ark is exactly the same, but on a different continent. It scares me.
That's why a meeting between Steve Rogers and Henry Jones Jr., because remember, Indiana is the name he stole from his dog for some reason. We're named the Dog Indiana. Their meeting would make sense.
It could also save the Indiana Jones franchise after the crystal skull, tried to convince us both that Shia LaBeouf should be the new Indy and that nothing matters and we should just give up on everything you have. Now that clip wasn't from Crystal Skull. It's from the movie Constantine where LaBeouf gets fatally slammed against the ceiling and floor, which is how most of us wish that Crystal Skull had ended. It's gonna take something huge to help people move on from that movie, but introducing Indiana Jones to the MCU would certainly do that and it's technically possible because Disney now owns both characters.
See, monopolies are great. You know what else is great?
The fact that this crossover would also fix a big non-LaBeouf problem with the Indiana Jones franchise. See, during his adventures, Indy comes across magical artifacts from three different religions. Judaism's Ark of the Covenant, Christianity's Holy Grail, and Hinduism's Sankara Stones, all of which seemingly prove the existence of a god or multiple gods in the Indiana Jones universe, which is terrifying because if any of those religions are right about the tenants of at least the fundamentalist versions of their faith, then that means a huge portion of the human population is screwed.
Like, I don't even wanna think about what happens if the Hindus are right because I've personally exterminated whole generations of cows, one triple cheeseburger at a time. Man, I got these cheeseburgers, man. But if all those artifacts are actually alien weapons like the Tesseract and the MCU, then all of us in our greasy meat patties are safe. See, I just successfully introduced aliens to the Indyverse without using Shia LaBeouf.
It's a win-win, dream come true for everyone. Just do it!
But how does Captain America fit into this? Well, thankfully, his and Indy's timelines match up perfectly. The final movie in the original trilogy, The Last Crusade, takes place in 1938, and Cap travels back in time in Avengers Endgame to the 1940s to spend his life with Peggy Carter and, you know, bury his deep dark secret about making out with her great niece, Sharon. ["The Last Crusade"] And stuff.
Now, if Peggy went on to have a kind of adventures like in her show, Agent Carter, then why couldn't Steve come along? And eventually, the two of them could cross paths with Indiana Jones. I think they could kiss! I mean, Peggy could kiss Indy and Steve could kiss Indy and all three could kiss each other, and then it could be four of us if we include me licking the iPhone screen.
It doesn't matter. And then after that, they could all go, I don't know, look for Atlantis or the defabled G-spot or some shit. I have to find the mythical clitoris. Surely that'd be more fun than anything Crystal Skull gave us or whatever is coming down the pike and Indiana Jones sits in a fridge for two hours because he got stuck and his joints don't work so good. ["The Last Crusade"] Segue!
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You know, I don't know your life. And once again, there's no real segue here, so. Henry Cavill's stint as Superman probably ended with the Snyder Cut of Justice League, which legend claims Snyder is still working on, adding another minute to it every day.
My name is Martian Milf Hunter. Did you know my mom? Your mom's name's Martha, right? Yeah. Yeah, I got her good. When you're a young little boy, a hundred or down and I, I'm Marcinder.
That's a bummer because Cavill was legitimately a great Superman. He just never had a chance to show it because he didn't directly square off with the villain that brings out the best in him.
It's like Luther. Oh, ah, ahoy, ahoy. I did not know you were here.
Technically, Luther was the villain in Batman v Superman, but to properly explain my thoughts on Jesse Eisenberg's take on the character, I'm gonna quote Hamill here. No! If you wanna write Luther correctly, you gotta make him at least somewhat terrified of what Supes might do, given that he has the power to play marbles with the moon in our little blue planet here. The comic book and animated Lex keep it all locked away under a serious, dignified exterior, befitting the threat that he believes he faces. To Luther, defeating Superman is a matter of humanity's survival. That's why he does not jump around like a messed up chipmunk when thinking of ways to kill Superman. And, you know, basically he's the exact opposite of Jesse Eisenberg's character. Hm, that is silly.
But rather than just start over, I think there's a way to keep Jesse Eisenberg's character and get a great Lex Luthor while also staying true to comics. All we gotta do is make Eisenberg a clone of the real Lex Luthor. See, about 30 years back when Luther was redesigned for the modern age, he was given cancer because the 90s were edgy and extreme and it was between cancer and just giving him a hoodie and a skateboard. You're not going anywhere without your big game liquid slam. So to cure himself, Luther transfers his brain into a clone body that he passes off as his illegitimate ginger son, Lex Luthor II. He even kinda looks like Eisenberg's character because clearly they buy their wigs from the same mop store. Now one of Luther II genetic boogaloo's main storylines was him gaining control of an incarnation of Supergirl who was actually an artificial construct and I'll stop explaining because if I do, we're all gonna retroactively regain our virginities. And why would we wanna weaponize this material? More importantly, Ginger Lex eventually goes insane which is also how this storyline could work so perfectly in the Cavill Superman movies. What if the real Luthor faked his death and passed off his deteriorating Eisenbergian clone as his son?
That would totally explain why Eisenlex was loonier than a Canadian goose. Goose, goose, goose, sweet goose!
So let's bring that version back for one more movie and then kill him off with cancer, clone deterioration or the space herpes he got from Doomsday and then introduce the real Luthor played by The Rock. I've just saved the entire DCU. You're welcome Warner Brothers.
Well, I require- Currency transaction. Will this amount suffice?
Man, I wrote a really great joke here about how before he was Batman, Robert Pattinson was a Batman, but now! All Edward Cullen does in the Twilight movies is sparkle and pleasure high schoolers like a quidditch snitch that the secret accidentally got up in one of their holes. So not the subject of holes. Twilight as a whole somehow manages to make even vampires uncool. But what if there was a cool story hiding inside Twilight, like a golden ball with wings inside an 11th grader? How do you put over these 150 fights the fucking missed me? Well, it's doable if Twilight just switches focus from the story of a girl choosing between making out with a corpse or a dog to the story of Edward's adoptive father, Carlisle. Carlisle Cullen was born around 1640 to a Christian pastor and he hunted werewolves and vampires with a team of professional monster hunters, which is a sentence that definitely just got us all pregnant. He's thirsty. Eventually, the pre-vamp Carlisle became the leader of the vampire stabbing brigade until he was bitten by one. Now, since this is Twilight, you'd probably expect Carlisle to head to the nearest high school and just romance the shit out of the most boring girl there. But no, showing some admiral and dramatic character consistency, Carlisle initially tries to commit suicide and destroy the monster that he's become. Yes, this happens in a story that later inspired Fifty Shades of Grey, the unsettling BDSM fan fiction that really, really moistened your mom. Now, that's a hell of a sack. But wait, you might think a character violently struggling to accept who he is isn't an appropriate protagonist for Twilight's teen demographic, to which I say, have you seen Twilight? It's about as suitable for teenagers as novelty breakaway condoms coded in high-grade fertility drugs.
Don't answer anything.
Also, don't worry, because Carlisle eventually comes to terms with his fate and uses his newfound immortality to become a medical doctor and save hundreds of human lives over the centuries. The only thing not awesome about that story is how this vampire doctor never changes his last name to Acula, because... Even his love life is miles more interesting than his creepy sons. I mean, Carlisle turns his future wife into a vampire to save her after a suicide attempt following the loss of her child. He was unable to bear watching a person whom he previously knew as happy and joyful go out in such a tragic way. So instead, he goes against everything he believes. Then the two fall in love and create a family of vegetarian vampires, thus concluding a fascinating chapter in the life of a vampire doctor whose origins read like a mix between underworld and the English patient.
Both of which moistened your mom. I've always loved you. Tell your mom to stop watching TV. Sorry, let's talk about something less uncomfortable, like slavery. Only if you're comfortable with it. Speaking of things that moisten your mom, it's a true testament to Johnny Depp's acting abilities that he crafted a pop culture icon out of sexy Captain Jack Sparrow, and obviously stoned Jack Ass from a Disney movie based on a boat ride. We're like, yo ho ho, and I'm a moistened your mom. Am I right?
Anyway, now, Jack is a great, energetic guy through all the weird fantasy stuff in the Pirates franchise, but as a character, he's kind of ill-defined. This is the tale of Captain Jack Sparrow. A little moral ambiguity is great, but Jack ventures into straight up villain territory so many times, you never get a sense of where he truly draws the line, which makes it difficult to take him seriously as a protagonist. So, let's firmly establish the exact depth that Jack won't sink to, to really anchor his character.
Ha ha! Then, once we get a proper feel for his motivations, he can go back to gesticulating like a blindfolded man feeling his way out of a booby museum. He wrote down where to find all the boobs in the museum. Viking boobies, yeah! That's come-o boobies, coming real soon. It's an embarrassment of boobies.
The weird thing is, the movies already drew that line. They just never actually showed it to us. In a deleted scene from Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End, we see Cutler Beckett, the governor of the villainous East India trading company, discussing his shared past with Sparrow. From their short conversation, we learn that many years before the events of the first Pirates film, Jack was working for the EITC until he was trusted with transporting cargo that turned out to be a shipment of slaves. And instead of delivering them, he set them free, simply telling Beckett.
People aren't cargo, mate. Suddenly, Jack Sparrow goes from a morally ambiguous asshole to, at the very least, not a complete monster. He says it in a kind of sad, matter-of-fact way, almost as if he's explaining to another person that water is wet, which he would know! You need a pirate! And they do water! And we learn that this is the thing that caused Sparrow to be branded a pirate. He turned to a life of crime partially because of his strong moral fiber. For all the shitty things Jack Sparrow might do, he draws the line at selling humans, which is not the highest of bars to have to hurdle to be a good person, but it's at least a bar. And without that scene, the only bars in his characterization are the ones that he passes out drunk face-first into toilets in. And it was cut!
This would not only be a great basis for bringing the character back in the 400th movie or whatever they're rebooting next, it would be sort of historically accurate. Some of history's most famous pirates, like Black Caesar, were actually ex-slaves. And true, they already did that in the star series Black Sails, but nobody watched that. And Disney will own it eventually, so why not just take the whole slave angle and use it to reboot the franchise? It's since those movies take place in the 1700s, it would be possible for Jack Sparrow to also run into Carlisle Cullen, and, you know, why the hell not? A time-traveling Captain America and his friend Indiana Jones, and then they all joined forces to fight a time-sliced Lex Luthor, played by Dwayne Johnson, and then at the end, they could all sail off into the sunset on your mom's collective moistness.
Wait. What's in game? Yeah, we should probably just end it there. |
dropout | short_clip_prank | Hey everyone, I'm David from College Humor.
Today I'm in Los Angeles asking people to get their reaction to a quick clip on my iPad. Now what they don't know is the quick clip is actually three hours long. Do you have a second to watch a quick clip? Just one second? No? Do you have a second to watch a quick clip?
I'm busy. So what's your name?
Nasser. And where are you from, Nasser? San Francisco.
Cool. I'm going to have you put these headphones on. I'm going to play this quick clip and then we'll talk after. Okay. Cool? Do you guys have a second to watch a quick clip? Yeah, I want to. All right. Cool. Okay. I don't want to watch. It's only like one, it's not that much longer. Okay, I've seen this movie. Okay. Thank you.
See, just a little bit longer. Did you get that? I think there's only like 25 minutes more. 25? I'm kidding.
The person is the size of Titanic. Now I want to marvel at her speed.
I'm on my way to Pretoria to conduct a case by name. What'd you say?
It's a long clip. How long does it go? Just a little longer.
Now, are there any more? You want this kind of thing? Yeah.
Hi. Where are you staying? With a friend. In this area? Yeah, about 15 minutes from here. Cool.
Are you showing me the whole movie? What? Is this the whole movie?
No, no, it's just, it's like a part of the middle. This is when it's... Oh my god.
It's in front. Get me my car. I was just told by my producer, it's a wrong, give me, it's a wrong clip.
Give me one second. No. One second. Hold it, sorry. One second.
It's just a little bit longer. Okay. It's just a little bit. I really have to go, sorry. I thought it was going to be a short thing, so... It's pretty powerful though, right? I mean, it's just a movie. I made it like 15 years ago. Thank you. That's it? Okay. Oh my god. It's just a little bit longer.
No, no, no, Jack. No? No.
So that was the whole movie.
Yeah? Pretty cool, right? Yeah, it was cool.
What do you want to ask?
Thanks a lot, man. |
cracked | the_catholic_church_ordered_over_250_000_pope_pogs_to_honor_the_pope_s_first_visit_to_new_jersey | The Catholic Church ordered more than 250,000 pogs to commemorate the Pope's first visit to southern New Jersey.
In October 1995, Pope John Paul II arrived at Newark International Airport for a five-day East Coast jaunt with stops at Giant Stadium, Central Park, and a horse racing track in Queens.
To mark the occasion, the Diocese of Camden sought a special collectible for kids, drawing inspiration from the trendy schoolyard game and expired communion wafers.
They created Pope Pogs, spending $3,500 on 50,000 papal milk caps.
They proved to be so popular that they ordered another $100,000 for churches in New Jersey, $110,000 for Brooklyn and Queens, and even $8,000 for blessed pogmasters in Dallas.
While pogs mostly fizzled out after the first OJ trial, the Camden Diocese brought them back again in 2005 in honor of Pope Benedict and World Youth Day, because whether it's a comic book, viewmaster reel, or trading cards, if there's one thing the Catholic Church loves to do, it's attract the attention of children. |
cracked | all_the_terrifying_stuff_that_happened_on_the_set_of_poltergeist_part_2 | in 2009, Lou Perryman, who played Pugsley in the first film, was killed by a recently released ex-convict in his own home with an axe. But cast members passing away is not the only weird thing that happened on set. In one of the most famous scenes, JoBeth Williams' character, she's the mom, falls into the family's pool and it's filled with skeletons. Apparently, Steven Spielberg insisted on having real human skeletons, because at the time they were cheaper than plastic skeletons? What? And apparently, concerned about the use of real skeletons on set, Will Sampson performed a real exorcism on set. So much of this weird stuff happened, it's considered the most cursed film in Hollywood. And people were scared to remake the movie in 2015. I don't blame them. And their fears may have been valid, because apparently the cast experienced some paranormal activity on set. At Reddit AMA, Gil Keenan said that the house he rented during production was straight-up legit haunted by a female spirit dressed in all black. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_gone_too_soon_snl | I just can't believe he's gone. maybe we should just go home. Hey, guys. oh, hey, Sydney. what's wrong? I don't want to burden you with this, but one of our friends just passed. that's horrible. I'm so sorry. Yeah. do you mind if I ask what happened? Sure.
God, he was on vacation in Arizona, and this is going to sound like a joke, but a donkey kicked him in the nuts so hard he fell into the Grand Canyon. What? maybe let's not laugh about our friend who just died. but you're being serious? Yeah, but the impact didn't kill him, because I know this sounds silly, but he was on roller skates. so he sharded the Grand Canyon like a half pipe. Yeah. wow, that's so cool. But when he landed on the other side, and I know this is going to sound cartoonish, but he skedooshed off a fat guy's stomach like kung fu panda and exploded on sight. you guys seriously aren't messing with me.
No, my god. what are you talking about? excuse me? what was his name? Reverend Buttcheek? P. Rosenfall. All right, so let me guess, the P stood for penis? ha ha, no, it stood for vagina. he was such an amazing guy. he was 4'3", and this is going to sound improbable, but 1,500 pounds. his dad's in show business. who's his dad? Chef Boyardee.
Oh, ok, I don't know what this is, but it's not ok to lie about this kind of stuff. Look, Sydney, if you really don't believe us, there's a video of the incident. it's just, it's really hard to watch. hey, get a video of me with this donkey. Buttcheek, get away from the end.
I am so sorry, you guys. So it was all true. Yeah, all of it. Mr. Boyardee, for life's toughest moments, Chef Boyardee. thanks for watching. see you next time. Bye-bye. bye-bye. bye-bye. |
dropout | i_dare_you_to_watch_this_entire_video | It's difficult for you, isn't it? You're becoming bored. Your brain is beginning to itch inside your skull, begging for a morsel of distraction from the internet. And you're holding it together for now, but the truth is, you're frightened. It's been so long since you've tried to focus like this that you don't know if you can do it anymore.
And this video is boring, isn't it? Maybe you think it's a trick that there's some reward for sticking it out. You think that at two minutes and 50 seconds, a funny message will appear for a frame or two and you'll only see it if you watch the whole thing. You've probably already scrubbed along the bottom of the progress bar to see if that happens, right? Well, it doesn't. There's no joke, no prize. There's just you and this video. Either you watch it or you don't. I dare you to watch it. But the obstacles are mounting.
That was an email. That was a new post on Instagram. That was a celebrity who just died on Twitter. Maybe it was Shaq. Everyone's tweeting about Shaq's death and you are missing it.
Are you comfortable with that? That was 10 seconds. But it felt like a year, didn't it? A decade of instantaneous entertainment has made you so mentally soft and fat that you find even 10 seconds of boredom excruciating. How sad. Remember when you were a child?
You could spend an entire hour watching an ant crawl across a rock. One afternoon you checked out a library book and you were so engrossed that you read the entire thing in just one day.
When was the last time that happened to you? The truth is, you're a weaker now. Attention is the scalpel you use to cut away the fat from your life, but the internet has robbed you of it. And now, instead of choosing what you experience, you drift from tab to tab full of content you hate like a hungry ghost who will never be full. Your life is filtering through your fingers and you are doing nothing to stop it.
But if you watch this entire video, if you make the choice to sit and be bored for these 180 seconds, you will have finally taken the first step in regaining control over the one truly unrenewable resource in life, your time. Less than three minutes ago, I dared you to watch this entire video. In a moment, you will have won or lost and only you will know the difference. Either way, the dare will be over. To decide what you'll do with the rest of your life, you'll have to dare yourself. |
dropout | hardly_working_david | You guys are really cute. You guys are both single, you're just saying. I have been looking for a husband. He really seems to love the guys. Really? If he loves those buttholes, he'll be like putty in my hands. I like it.
No, no. You stay here. So I duck into the laundromat just to get away from the wild turkey. You are a real piece of work, Mr. Castles.
Now call me Pat. Hey David, I got tickets to the Baltimore Philharmonic today if you want to go. I'd love to, Mr. Grewitch. Call me Pat. Hey new guy, what are you doing for lunch? I do a great sandwich shop.
Oh, oh my god, man. Magician never tells, man. Streeter pulls stunts like that all the time.
You're going to get used to it. I already am. You guys are making me feel so comfortable.
Oh, nice. Oh, I love Phoenix. So anyway, that'll be your desk over there. And if you need me, I'll be right over there. Perfect. Thank you. And hey, if you need a break from work, that's my desk.
I give really great back massages if you ever... Hey, so I made you a mixtape of my favorite... I heard you like magic, so...
Pick a... Why don't we go about... Do you want to play Twister? Yeah, I'd love to.
Hey man. Hey. If you're serious about wanting to go to that Baltimore Philharmonic concert, we really need to get going. It's a solid five and a half hours from here. Alright, let's do it Pat. Alright. Have fun you guys. I'll be thinking of you. Oh! |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_donald_glover | Green in the morning light. Guys, please give it up for Donald Glover. It's also hard being in a relationship and being black, just because, like, you got different woes.
Like, if I'm with a girl and she leave my house at, like, eight, and she doesn't call me, like, by ten, like, I'm not like, oh, shit, something happened. I'm like, what happened? I immediately start thinking of ways to prove I didn't kill her. Immediately. Like, I go downstairs and I buy a whole bunch of tampons and mayonnaise, and they're like, ew, what the hell's that? I'm like, yeah, remember this face, new. And then I run out. And then the girl calls. She's like, you left me, like, five messages. What's going on? I'm like, oh, baby.
I was so afraid that I was going to jail. I just spent five hours in front of an ATM machine surveillance unit.
I mean, like, the last stereotypes in New York have just come up and pop up and shit. Like, because I didn't notice it. Like, you know, black people like menthol cigarettes. They just do. I don't know. Like, I don't even smoke. But I see one on the ground.
I'm like, oh, I'll just put it in my pocket. You know? I'm just kind of like, I just do that shit. You know?
And Jewish people, I know that until I got up here. But Jewish people love summer camp. Like, it all went to the same summer camp and shit. Which is weird, because if I was Jewish, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near camp. That would be the last place I want to be.
Seriously, though. I mean, and people are like, there's truth to every stereotype. There's truth to every stereotype. You know? But it's just like, yeah, there's truth. But there for a reason.
A lot of people are like, black people have such nice teeth. Like, the smile. They got nice teeth. And it's like, well, the truth of the matter is, it's like, because the first thing you would look at a slave was their teeth.
And if they were infected, then you don't want to get it because that man would be going to die soon. And don't get it twisted. I don't think, like, that they balance each other out in some shit. Like, I don't think they went over there and was like, who wants their descendants to have nice teeth?
And I was like, why are you taking me? You know? Like, that didn't happen. You know?
Same thing with, like, Jewish people. A lot of people would be like, oh, Jewish people.
They're very neurotic. They're nervous. They're always neurotic. It's like, yeah, because you killed all the relaxed ones. It's like, all the neurotic ones are like, something weird is going on here. We need to get the fuck out.
And the relaxed one was like, but, baby, everyone loves the Jews. Throughout history, like, I'm going to get in this car. That just means more Jew puts it for me. You know? Like, that's the truth.
And the same thing with the Japanese. People are like, Japanese are weird. They're crazy. They're strange. We dropped the radioactive bomb on them. And then they had to rebuild their culture.
I mean, that's fucking crazy. Like, if I put radioactivity into you and then asked you to build a mall, that mall would be fucked up. It'd be fucking crazy. If y'all dropped the bomb on me and I had to rebuild my culture, I'd be doing game shows about bears masturbating too. Like, yada! You know? And shit, be fucking crazy. To a Japanese person, that's like a crime drama.
And shit, they're at home. They're like, I hope he gets out of this. I'm Donald Glover. Thanks, you guys. |
TheOnion | Sneak_Peek_at_The_Next_ONN_on_IFC_Nation_Elects_First_Openly_Drunk_Senator | This is the Onion News Network, controlling what you see and when you see it. November marked a historic occasion in American politics following the election of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator. For a look at Tillis' rise to political prominence, Jane Carmichael has our Washington Watch. Many thought that a politician with a publicly inebriated lifestyle would be unelectable. Dave Tillis has proved them wrong, winning over voters by loudly rambling on about issues they care about. Everybody's got to know that drunks are Americans, and we love America! Let's do this! Tillis' total fearlessness and lack of inhibition seem to speak to voters. This week, those supporters had something to celebrate.
As Senator Tillis proposed his first piece of legislation, the all-bus stop should have shelters filled. Every day, thousands of Americans take the bus. And sometimes they can't make it to their home because their eyes are closing, right? Right. But does that mean you deserve to wake up in the snow? Hell no. Let's make a shelter on that bus stop. On all bus stops for when you're sleeping.
Ow! This idea is genius! Tillis said he's thankful for the opportunity to serve the nation. People see me on the street and they're like, that's Dave Tillis, and he's drunk and a great guy. He'll give you the shirt off his back. And he's my senator. In Washington, I'm Jane Carmichael. What an amazing step forward for the drunk community. The staff is working as quickly as they can now to remove all racist antiques from the White House before the Obamas move in.
Gentlemen, you are both dodging questions. Senator, how many people have you killed? And you, Senator, does free will exist, and if so, how would we know?
The Marines are telling me I must evacuate this area, but I'm not going to. I'm going to continue to... |
dropout | sleep_with_a_snake_for_2500 | Some time this week, I sneak into Allie's apartment and put a snake in their bed. That night?
No! Allie's here in the day! No! Allie's here in the day! No!
That's so stupid.
No, no, no. Allie's going to have this in their bed. Oh no! No! No way! This is a Google image. This is a 14-foot Anaconda. No! No, this isn't!
And not have the snake. Allie! Do you have it? Allie, I don't have the snake. Don't! Fuck you! I don't have the snake.
Hi! Hello! Fuck you!
Oh, this is wonderful. So, I've actually brought the film crew. We're actually going to put a snake in bed with it. First of all, are you wearing a snake costume right now? What are these sheets? What's happening here? I'm trying to camouflage myself.
For a wildlife encounter, we have Angelina the green Anaconda. She's about 14 feet and just shy of 100 pounds or so. She is a complete sweetheart, but she is still an Anaconda, and we give her the utmost respect when we're working with her. She will be very active. She loves to go for places that look camouflaged like a bush, kind of like that, and she loves to be close to people. Now, again, she is nice. She's very strong.
She does have 100 recarved, sharp teeth for grabbing onto prey. They're recurved so that as the prey tries to get away, it actually digs the teeth deeper into the body. If they do feel they need to eat, after they grab onto the flesh of whatever the victim is, they would actually wrap the coils around the body until there's a complete absence of pulse. They do know whether something's alive or not.
Alright, let's begin. I'm literally so... I haven't been this scared ever in my life.
You can quit right now. You can quit any time during, too. I can't!
Alright, Carl, bring her in. Okay, snake's coming in. Good morning.
Oh my god. Now my heart's starting to go. Oh, I feel terrible. This has been a lot of fun until right now. Oh my... fuck.
Alright, we remain calm. We stay calm.
Everything's fine. I love you. Everything's fine.
This is fun. It's so addictive. Yeah, it's really moving. Oh my god. It's really moving.
Absolutely not.
Oh, wow. Hey, girl. Oh, wow.
No way. There's not a chance. You're not gonna... No, actually, I'm very serious. Well, no. Wow. There's just... I'm not joking. There's truly no way. I mean, I don't... I would not do this. There is one other... Oh, wow. Wow. No way. There's not a chance. You're not gonna... No, actually, I'm very serious. Well, no. Wow. There's just... I'm not joking. There's truly no way. Wow. There's no... I would not. I don't...
Look, if Ally says... Yeah, Ally... If they don't want to, then we're...
It's fine. Yeah. You're not gonna be asked into that. You don't have to. I mean, I know. You're giving up the money. You know what you're doing. It's like you're well within your rights and I do not blame you for a second. This is crazy.
Hi. Hello.
Oh my god. I'll get in bed for a few minutes. I'm not gonna... It's not gonna hurt me. Now there's somebody who can.
Wouldn't it be crazy if Grant got killed by a snake right now? He died as he lived. This is real as hell right now.
Here you go, Grant. Here's your... Here's your new Tinder pic, man.
Wow. Hi. Hello.
So, I'm curious, Angelina, if you have any student debt. So, Ally, are you officially losing this challenge?
I can... Oh god. Maybe I... Just... Can you keep holding her and I'm gonna sit next to you? Hi. There's no. There's just no. Thanks. And then, okay. And I'm actually... You know what? I'm gonna leave.
I thought about it. I really did. And then I said, no. Oh, no. The snakes are so high. I really thought though that I would at least be able to try. I couldn't even try. I mean, I knew you were afraid of snakes, but...
And you got an anaconda and it was in my bed. Like this was truly, like, nightmarish.
When the lights go off in here and you feel something move... There's no. The lights are gonna remain on.
Get the hell out. Get off my property.
Thank you for watching that free clip of Total Forgiveness. If you liked that, check out Dropout to see the full 22 minute episode. Yeah, that's right. Head over to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
You might even see Grant do this. Grant, you're not just gonna have to get a shot. You're gonna have to give it to yourself. |
dropout | stop_calling_everything_a_lifestyle_brand | Hey, what is all this? I just became a Seabird representative, and I thought I'd try out my little sales picture at the office first. Do you interest us? Yes, sure, I'd love to. Can I help you find anything in particular? I'm not familiar with Seabird makeup, so I guess I'll just...
Was that a joke? I'm sorry?
We do not sell makeup products, we sell wellness products. Oh, okay. I mean, it looks like makeup. That's it? I don't think it does. As a wellness brand, we sell products that help you become a better you by building your confidence, okay? So you can clearly see we are very different. Okay, I mean, it seems the same. I noticed you have big, big, big dark circles under your eyes, like a raccoon who's been punched. Anyway, give me that face! Yes. Here you go. I love it.
It's really good under eye concealer. That is not a concealer. We do not sell a concealer.
That is actually our inner glow enhancing cream. Yeah, okay. I mean, between us, like, we don't have to do this, right? Like, I get the whole lingo, but it's just concealer. It's makeup. That's fine. It's really not, though. You rub the skinnier in by completely covering it, so it's a smooth, even color, and it also conceals your facial flaws. Yeah, you just said conceal, right? So it is a concealer. Anyway, our customers absolutely swear by our heaven line, there is the heavenly dot cream, the heavenly scrub, and the heavenly moisturizer, which I see you are just taking on your own. Okay. This is just, like, to cover up acne, right? These are designed to help with your inner beauty, with the enhancement of your inner beauty. We don't really deal with outer beauty. I don't even... What is that? Yeah, but I'm looking at the ingredients. It's a zit cream.
Seabird is totally obsessed with feminism now. That's why we sell these adorable little thongs that say, Feminist AF. This is a feminist product? Yes. Being traditionally sexy is one of the absolute best ways for women to empower themselves. Katie, this is a part of the problem, right?
We also have an amazing line of really yummy foods. These are my favorite. Take a look.
This is just diet food. We do not sell dieting foods. That is a lifestyle food. It says appetite suppressive. Right, but suppress your appetite for you, and not because society tells you to.
Katie, that is such BS. All right, we know the only reason we're doing any of this is to conform with society, to feel like we fit in, right? Have you heard? What?
About our new Seabird feel-good waist huggers. They will instantly cut inches from your waist. It's not a waist hugger. It's not cute. It's a waist trainer, and it's not healthy. We have found, through scientific study and research and through experimentation, that wastes of all sizes need to be hugged.
I need you, right now, just for my own sanity, to tell me that this is lipstick. It is strength-enhancing lip love. Is that what you meant by lipstick? This right here, this is mascara. And we can just call it mascara, and it's okay. We're allowed to call it what it is. It is inner light extraction syrup.
I'm sorry, that's embarrassing for you. Stop lying.
This is eyeshadow. I know you know it's eyeshadow.
No. Ugh. Embarrassing again.
That is actually peaceful thoughts skin sack. We're not falling for any of this. We know that you are just selling expensive stuff to make women more traditionally attractive. It's okay if somebody likes that, but we can call it what it is, right? Jess, calm down, okay? If you do not like my Seabird products, you do not need to purchase my Seabird products. Rika's just over there. I'll just go talk to her instead.
All right, I'll just start packing these up. Okay, please no, don't pack them up. Great, I thought so. That will be $3,978.
Tip is not included. How much is tip?
Usually 30% to 40%. Oh, that's a lot. If it's a friend, 50%.
Hi, I'm Katie Marovitch, and if you like that, subscribe to Dropout where you can chat with most of the cast on the exclusive Dropout Discord. I'm not on there.
I can't figure out technology. I don't get it at all.
What is this? It's a camera. Katie. Oh, what? It's a camera. Camera? It's a camera. What? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_161_Grace_Tame | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, recording live here from downtown Batutah and joined by Errol Parker editor at large, how are you Errol?
Good mate, as usual not a cloud in the sky up here in the Diamantina, cracking day not like down south where they're complaining about a thing called a cold snap. Cold snaps yeah, nah they haven't had a winter in the Diamantina that's for sure. No certainly not.
And of course myself Clancy Overall, today is a big coup for the Batutah Advocate, this marks our first Australian of the year, at all, I mean it's one thing to get an Australian of the year but to get one on the year that they're Australian of the year. We're just so lucky that Grace Tame, today's guest is across our humble Outback newspaper and was in the area and we reached out and she said you know what, I've got an hour between the subway and the Qantas Link flight out of here so she's popped in and we're very thankful for that, thanks for joining us Grace Tame. Yeah thanks for having me, I'm stoked to be here. Now you're obviously moving around a lot since you first landed on our screens out here, we saw you on the podium there, Australian of the Year.
Where are you based most of the time, you're a Hobart girl? Yeah most of the time Hobart, right at the moment out of a suitcase. How do you find the suitcase living? It's alright actually, so I am from divorced parents who separated amicably when I was about two years old and so most of my life I lived out, well it was a schoolbag at that stage, so I'm pretty adaptable and I've travelled around a lot, bit of a gypsy myself, yeah like on and off, lived in the US for seven years in various parts. Whereabouts over there?
Well I started out in Santa Barbara, I went to a community college there for a couple years and then headed down to LA because I was doing illustration so photorealistic illustration work, doing private commissions for some like high-profile celebrities and stuff and then I ended up touring with John Cleese a couple times around the country as his private, like as his illustrator for some of his merchandise. Have you been able to keep that up? No. Why would John Cleese need a personal illustrator to follow him around to illustrate things? It sounds a bit creepy, doesn't it? Is that like a certain level of fame? Followed him around. You don't like photographers. I know his daughter really well, she's one of my best friends, who's a fantastic comedian in her own right, but she commissioned me to do a piece for John in 2016, it must have been, and it was just originally meant to be like a just a joke sort of illustration, like what it is, I think you can find it online if you type in Grace Tame John Cleese, like you'd find it, it's a like spoof of The Last Supper with the disciples traded out for references to John's work, so there's like Mr. Creosote's in there, there's like kangaroos in there, there's like random Kevin Kline from A Fish Called Wanda's in there, Lumberjack, etc. It's really detailed.
Yeah, so he liked it so much that he was like, I want to sell this as merch. Alright. Alright, cool, and then he, so he did that, and then he also used it as his stage backdrop, so they just blew it up and put it behind him, and he did all his talks sitting in front of that. Fucking love. So that was a Hobart girl packed your bags and went to the States? Yeah.
Gap-yeary kind of stuff that stayed, turned into seven years, or? Nah, it wasn't really a gap year, it was more like a lot of shit happened in high school, and we all know about that.
Yeah, skip town, get out of town.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Santa Barbara sounds like a- It's a pretty lavish place, honestly. Yeah, and it's a change from winter in Hobart too, I imagine. Yeah, exactly. Is that in LA? It's 90 minutes north on the coast. Oh, that's even better. You know what it is? It's big little lies. Yeah, yeah. That kind of, that kind of country. Yeah.
In Monterey. Monterey.
Big Sur.
Well, that's obviously a long way removed from Hobart and everything that had been going on as a young girl there, but then this last six months since the strain of the year has been completely different to anything. I imagine anyone could really relate to, how has that been? You went straight from John Cleese's, that's a big deal, John Cleese's Illustrator, of course, but then now you're a household name that no one really ever imagines being a household name, do they? Especially not for what you've come to be known for as an advocate. Yeah, it's a very, very weird set of circumstances because through the National Australia Day Council, I've thankfully been put in touch with previous Australians of the year, but it is, it's a very unique set of circumstances because, I mean, we had Rosie Batty, who won in 2016 for her work in the domestic violence space, so there's some parallels there because it's her personal story. But I was talking to Kerry O'Brien, actually, absolute legend, and he was saying, because he's been in the industry, the media industry for decades, and he's had the opportunity to interview lots of Australians of the year, and he was saying he's never seen a reaction just like this in terms of how widely well received it was and what it's done for, I guess, yeah, what it's done for a community that have been marginalised in silence for so long, so we don't actually really know yet how big it is, and it just seems to be bigger than Ben Hur. Everywhere I go, men and women are reaching out to me, and it's beautiful, it's overwhelming, but it's really beautiful to see that. One thing, you know, there was the march down there in Parliament, and one thing that kind of, from our end, is people who kind of look at the media and look at reactions to different things going on in the news, is that it kind of has stirred and kind of activated a lot of people in quiet towns that know your story, yeah, like the two, know your story, and might have never piped up ever, you know, just kind of went on with, like probably weren't even that political, probably didn't engage in that way, and now the conversation has started, and they're, I guess you've given them licence to put their hand up, their permission, yeah. Yeah, and I'm a utilitarian, so that's all about the greater good for me, and I'm very much happy to be that first person, and I think that's what I was sort of seeing privately, is I was realising, because I've always been open privately, and I was having these conversations, I would notice that when I shared part of my truth with a group of people, you know, even strangers sometimes, it would then spark someone to come up, and I thought, I wonder, like, how many people in the world, you know, and what if we were able to do this, where we were able to sort of have like a more public acceptance of vulnerability and giving of permission to be human beings again, and yeah, the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive, there's a few people out there who, you know, you're rock spiders, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, and just, and also people who don't want to believe this can happen in this lovely world they live in, so, you know, head in the sand kind of attitudes towards gaslighting you, I guess, in many ways, by denying this truth that you've kind of been able to bring so many people into and help engage a lot of people, as you said before, it would be, and we saw the numbers at the march. Yeah, and it's not actually, you know, you said before about people who weren't previously political, the thing is, it's actually not political, it's very odd, I keep getting painted as the quote-unquote poster child for labor. Yeah, yeah, well, that's what happens when you take pictures with Albanese, straight up all over every newspaper, it's like, look, here we go, she's gonna be running for Hobart next, you know, I don't think it's so much getting a photo with Albanese, it's more so delivering that speech next to the Prime Minister who was visibly uncomfortable during the Australian of the Year ceremony.
Do you know what he said to me right after I finished that speech and we're in front of a wall of media, I shit you not, he leant over and right in my ear, he goes, well, gee, I bet it felt good to get that out. And, you know, even if he thought that was a nice thing to say, that's also an issue. Well, I know, well, it's just, I don't know, yeah, it's true, like, every day you hear something new about, you know, just something he's fucked up. There's so many things he could have said, he could have said, thank you.
So my manager's mum who's 90 years old and she's been a lifetime liberal voter, she just goes, that man does nothing right.
Oh, that's a shocker. That's a shocker.
Well, thank you for sharing that with us. I'm my next question. Exclusive here at Batuda. Exclusive, yeah. Sorry, Hamish McDonald, we got that one.
My next question was, did you think at that time giving that speech that the man standing next to you would spend the rest of the year avoiding you? Oh, goodness, no. Oh, dear, I could not have foreseen that. I don't know, who could have, really?
I mean, it's just crazy. You've become a Strand of the Year. We hear from you in different capacities as an advocate and everything you've been doing since then. And then all of a sudden, the conversation ramps up. Brittany Higgins came out and said that you'd kind of inspired her to speak up, which automatically implicates you, which as you've said, you don't mind being the first person there.
Yeah, I don't mind. Those are still allegations at this stage, you know. But it's not surprising, though, to me, because the common thread is abuse of power. Certainly, I didn't know it would come out quite like this, but anyone who thinks that this doesn't exist and that wouldn't play out, especially in an environment like that, is kidding themselves because that's a breeding ground for it. Yeah, I mean, and it just kept getting more and more and more and more and more, which in this theme of abuse of power, of course, more and more and more came out, as you said. When did you really start seeing the wheels moving towards this rally? That was really quite something else. Oh, I don't know.
It all has happened pretty organically. Yeah, and pretty quickly too. Yeah, and pretty quickly.
But the important thing, obviously, with any kind of meaningful change, you have to sustain the momentum. And I think that a lot of people in positions of power who just kind of want this to go away, they want people to get really angry for a little while and then tire themselves out and just sort of give up. So I'm always just kind of encouraging people to be a little bit more measured and consistent and persistent in your agitation. But yeah. Don't run out of steam. Don't run out of steam and try not to be too angry, like where it's just blind rage. Because at the end of the day, in order to make change, you do actually have to sit down and negotiate with people that you might not agree with. Yeah. You know, you can't just be spitting venom. And yeah, you're not an abolitionist. You're not going to burn parliament down. Yeah, that is something.
Not with my bare hands. Maybe me personally.
No, no. Do you think the media did a good job in basically representing the story of how the march came to be? I mean, like it certainly from our perspective, it looked like they tended to cherry pick different things. That's what the media do though, right?
Not here, not this humble organ. There's no cherry picking here. There's no need.
Everything's gold in Betuda.
They kind of use that, and then they kind of mash different aspects of different stories to suit their own kind of narrative. Yes. Labor's poster child would agree with that. Yeah, that's sort of the problem, I suppose, is there needs to be distinction. Because if we get something catastrophically wrong, we could then lose all of the credibility and lose all of the support for a movement that needs unanimous support. Do you think that the media did a good enough job to cover it? Like it seemed for a long time, they would basically try to pretend that this wasn't happening. And they were just hoping that something big would come along and blow it out of the news cycle. Like the footy season. Yeah. Do I think the media did a good job? Yeah.
Could have been better.
But like, I mean, I try to be a glass half full person. There's always room for improvement, I suppose. Well, we like to think that we, you know. Nail it every time. Occupy a space in the media that's a bit, you know.
Above. To the side, above. Underground. Yeah.
Like in terms of what the mainstream media does in like their day to day operation, do you think they would, there's more room to grow really when they're covering things of this nature? Oh yeah, there's so much more room to grow. I mean, just like in terms of how they talk to people who have stories and I dressed them at the press club and they didn't really seem to listen to what I was sort of saying.
Where they'll put the abuser's job title. I know. And they'll refer to the sex crime as sex attack. Yeah, they won't say rape in the headline.
Yeah, and there's all these, see all those kind of different Instagram pages dedicated to rewriting this article. Oh, those are fantastic. And they're so, because they're so accurate though too. Yeah.
Like the pedophile that abused me and I'm not, I wasn't his first victim. I've since spoken to other victims of his, but he did a 17 minute interview with a woman whose name I...
You don't want to say her name? No. She just don't really want to give her her time.
But anyway, did it. With some hack. Yes, yes. Yeah, in an interview he was complaining about how he lost his job and status in the community. And I was kind of sitting there going, maybe you don't rape kids. It isn't, but anyway.
And yeah, the media is all too often willing to entertain his narrative or people like his narrative. Yeah, it's not so much, it's not so much that that's the issue though, really. I think the main issue is that there's too much of a focus on the superficial, like physical details. You know, the media are obsessed with outdoing themselves. You know, like, oh, you hear about, I can't think of a really obscene example, but yeah, that's always the focus.
Like how bad was the rape and how bad was the violence? Like how many times were they hit? You know, what kind of weapon were they using?
You know, it's all that kind of stuff like that. But it's like, and I don't know if you know who Jess Hill is. She does a lot of work exposing the coercive control that belies domestic violence. It's the same thing. It's like that needs to be the focus or the grooming and the psychological manipulation, which is again, that abuse of power. That needs to be the focus. Not the spectrum of how bad this could have been or how bad. Yeah, exactly. It's like, yeah, because often you hear of like, oh, it wasn't that bad because he only hit you once or something like that. And it's like, what about all the stuff that was boiling for years and years and years, like the emotional abuse and all that sort of stuff like that, because that's vile. Like that messes with your whole life.
You've kind of, this happens to authors a lot. Someone who's written a memoir where they end up becoming, they find themselves that their work they do, I wouldn't necessarily say a career because no one chooses that, but you end up being in this movement and that's what you've been doing for six months. I've been doing it for longer than that, behind the scenes, yeah.
Yeah, but it's not something you chose. You were flung into it and by your lived experience, I guess. Yeah, it wasn't really a conscious choice.
No, but again, it was always something that I just saw as like common sense, like help each other, support each other, create an environment, a social environment of belief and acceptance for people, regardless of what their story is, whether it's a story of sexual abuse or whatever. Whatever they're advocating. Yeah, just normalize, talking about shit because we've all got some story and then that's how we can reconnect and move forward.
Was there, I mean, you had a career as an illustrator, you've just said. Oh, not really, sort of. Well, I think a lot of illustrators would count being John Cleese's go-to illustrator as being a career. Or at least a short-lived one. One of the big jobs. Yeah, career highlight. But was that Grace Tame, the illustrator, and then there's Grace Tame, the advocate. What were you looking at working at before you kind of found yourself behind the scenes as the face? Were you going to get into the arts?
I don't know. I've had such a funny life in that I've never really had the chance to stop and think about what my next move is. I just have fallen into it. And yeah, it's just been pretty spontaneous and random. But here I am.
You got good people around you? Yeah, I do. I think that's why. Because I've always seen that as my number one value in life. Family, friends, community. And yeah, having good positive relationships.
And then that's been the guide. And what you're doing becomes secondary, I suppose. So long as it's obviously a good purpose. But yeah, it's more so who you're doing things with. That, I think, is the real point. So you told us when we come to Hobart, you do tours, could be another line of work. For you guys. Yeah, you and your man.
They narrate the wild country, the apple isle.
Is that home? Does that feel like home? Down home?
That kind of, yeah. Yeah, I love Tazzy. Always had a special spot in my heart. I think it does for a lot of Tasmanians.
They didn't like going back there. No, no, I'm saying. Ricky Ponting, he always used to say like, oh, I do like playing in England because it's a lot like Tasmania in that it's very green and it's cold. OK, Ricky, over there, man. Go and score some runs. Can you see yourself setting up there?
Yeah. Yeah, Max and I want to live there. Yeah. By the land. Yeah, you got to beat Melbourne to that. The old tree change. Thanks a lot, COVID. Yeah.
Well, before, you know, you started speaking in front of all these cameras, had you done much public speaking beforehand? I mean, like. Really? When you get further down the track with like, you know, the Australia Awards Council, like, is that a service that they start to provide you? Like, if you're in the hunt, you know, it's like, oh, well, you know, we've got to get you some public speaking. Running and stuff like that. It literally has been a process of flying by the seat of one's pants.
So they hand you over an award and say, let her rip. Yes. And didn't she just like everything that obviously the speech resonated with so many people, but no hitches, like no hiccups. That was kind of was there pressure on you that you got to get this right? Or you kind of just felt all one? You felt all one with the with the microphone and the message you had to deliver? Yes. Well, in the words of Scott Morrison, gee, it felt good to get that out, didn't it? It was, yeah.
No, I don't know. Because it is again, it's it's my truth. I'm not I'm not making anything up.
And so it's authentic, it's real. And I think that's why a lot of people have resonated with it as well, because it's genuine. You know, and a part of me at first was a little bit worried. I was like, oh, you know, I was talking to the people in the Australia Day Council and I was like, oh, you know, guys, I swear a lot. And, you know, I've got these ugly tattoos, you know, worried about that. And they're like, no, that's you've got spirit. Like, that's what we we like, you know, and you're real. And I was like, oh, because I was worried that I was going to have to, you know, adhere to all these dress codes and fancy things. And I was like, oh, no. And that's what's great about it. And that's what and that's what's great about Australia. There's this authenticity to, you know.
Yeah, you can you and and owning your shit. You've obviously got so much shit as well. But like you being you made you so much more relatable to so many more people.
Yeah. And that's when you start seeing you kind of meet meet a few people, I guess, who are also, you know, well known for doing that. Like, you know, Jimmy Barnes reaches out because he's also he's also been like that from the start, you know, working class man, working class boy. Yeah. What is it like, you know, literally meeting your heroes who come to you and you're their hero? I don't know. Just goes to show, though, like we're all people at the end of the day. Like, that's that's all we are. Whether you're the prime minister or you're Jimmy Barnes. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I know there's so much going on right now that that's just a pleasant thing that happened in the last six months is getting to see Jimmy play. Yeah, that was that was really special. That was an incredible experience. Yeah, he's a very nice man.
You're not Labour's poster child. But, you know, the media would like to call you that. But all of a sudden, you're now relevant to a lot of people who would have never thought twice about you because you're talking about things that are resonating with people more so than any politician ever could. That's a big claim. Maybe it's because I deal in common sense. Yeah, it's everything you said before. You know, being yourself, being authentic.
Have you seen people trying to get around you is what I'm trying to ask. Get around me? Yeah, trying to take a little bit of the spotlight, you know, trying to align themselves with Grace Tarn.
Because it's happened to Battuta. We went down to Parliament House once and all the media tarts came out. Yeah. Absolute dribblers trying to get their flyers. Okay, so when I was interviewed by Kerry O'Brien, it was the day that there was the Cabinet reshuffle.
And there was the installation of the task force for women's safety. And the new Assistant Minister for Women was appointed. And the new Assistant Minister for Women is someone who has aligned herself with the commentator who gave my abuser a platform.
And I said that. I just stated facts. That's what I deal in, really. Common sense in facts.
I don't actually see any merit in going tit for tat and entering into slanging matches. It doesn't serve any purpose.
So I stated these facts. And the reaction from her was that I was uninformed of her previous history of pro bono work for survivors of sexual violence. Which is about as good an example of moral licensing as I think I can find. Other than, you know, I'm not sexist. I voted for Julia Gillard. I'm not racist. I've got a black friend. 20 years ago, I represented someone in some town.
Nothing to do with this conversation we're having right now.
The corporate people in this world, though, are just, you know, they're a different breed. Anyway, that's what she came out and said. But then she's also gone to the media and complained because she sent me Instagram direct messages, even though I don't follow her. So they've gotten swept in the abyss into the black. I'm not joking. Thousands that I just can't go through them all. And she's come out and said that she reached out to me on Instagram, which I think is a little bit like I joined past your house and honked.
I opened my living room window and called your name and heard no response. I've reached out. I sat in a room and thought about you. Why haven't you read it out? Man, that is lightweight response.
And I just sort of thought, oh, like, it's not that I don't want to sit down and put differences aside in necessary cases and work with people. But I don't like I believe that pedophilia is an absolute wrong. Right. And if you don't absolutely oppose it, you therefore condone it. And she's aligned herself with this person who's enabled that sort of culture. And so I just I don't think that she's the adequate person for the job.
Which is saying something.
Do you feel like they just went woman here? Yeah, exactly. And like I said to Kerry O'Brien, you know, we've got to be really careful not to be naively misled by distractions that are posing as solutions. Performative gestures. Yeah, performative gestures. Yeah.
So as Australian of the Year, you've got a lot of duties that you have to do in that year, you know, which I think are beholden to you by the organisation, aren't they? Like coming on this podcast. There's a few things or something. Number one on the list. Look, they say it's an award, not a role.
Yep. Okay. Right. A lot. Yeah. And yet. Is that their way of saying lace up your footy boots? That's it.
We don't want to hear anything. You know, that's like what they say to footballs when footballs have a political opinion. Just go out there and play, please.
Yeah, they have been very, they have been very supportive. And rightly so because most winners of Australian of the Year, again, bar Rosie Batty, they are people who are long term, you know, career professionals who have infrastructure around them like a team of staff assistants and whatnot to help them. Whereas I was just a pleb and a 26 year old with, you know, no staff. And so, yeah, but they've been very, they've been very helpful in that regard.
They took on a lot of Rosie's advice because she was thrown into the deep end very much so. But that was the next thing I was going to ask. It's Goodsy kind of got a target put on his back after he got the gong as well and things got worse for him. Rosie Batty ended up, you know, hell and back with the media coverage. And then we kind of look at Brittany Higgins through a completely different example. But in terms of the way people who pop their heads up, get backgrounded and you know, there was talk that people were sent to look into her boyfriend.
And have you didn't experience anything like that once you started kind of, you know, becoming a household name? No, I mean, I've also been very, again, because a huge part of my messaging and whatever is about authenticity, I've, I've, I sort of had covered that before I even was nominated for Tasmanian Australian of the Year. Like, I've been very open about my past history of drug addiction and all sorts of getting into nasty situations. That's a part of the trauma though, too. And that's again, that's why I'm really keen to speak about that sort of stuff like that, because it does, it sheds light on the fact that the abuse that happens doesn't end there.
It's got all these different tentacles.
And you backgrounded yourself for everyone, basically. I did. I backgrounded myself.
Yeah, I'm very open about that. And that's, again, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
We've all slipped up. We're all human beings. We all make mistakes. We all get ourselves into situations that we would rather not be in.
And that's just part of life. So you haven't experienced a hatchet job? I mean, things got pretty bad. Sky News, Rosie Batty. You haven't kind of experienced any, like, attacks on you? Yeah, there was an article or there were a few articles, I think it was the Courier Mail, who were like, what gives the Australian of the Year the right to attack the Prime Minister? I think that was, that was the most recent thing that I've seen.
But again, the media just, because I've never, if you listen to me speak, I'm not prone to extreme emotion. I'm not going to get really angry.
So I've never slammed. I've never attacked. I've never, you know, any of those things.
I've just sort of stated facts as they are. And the media says things like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't be aligned with anyone because it's just you. This is just what you're saying. Yeah.
And again, I'm not a political, well, I'm not aligned to a political party. I value negotiation. So if anything, I'm more of a, probably a left-leaning centrist, but I don't, I don't know. Yeah, you're a tattooed Hobart gal who, you know, draws pictures. Maybe I would say that there's a kind of archetype there that you might be a little left-leaning, but it's in no way your firebrand is going to bring down the government.
I know, I know, I know, yeah. What's planned for the foreseeable future? I know it's basically hotel, that's what you're living now. You're looking at a week and two weeks of events. There's no projects, I guess, at this point. It's just fly by ear. Yeah.
So the next year looks like a lot of meetings with relevant policymakers and government ministers, which is really exciting. I'm really excited about that because to me, like the whole point of this was to really get the ball rolling on a lot of advocacy and making concrete change. Because normalising the conversation is one aspect and it's actually probably the most important part because it's how you start to generate the education, which then influences the legislation. But the next cool thing that I'm doing is going up to Brisbane and working with the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation on a campaign called Stop the Stigma.
Yeah, right. And yeah, so that'll be like a little film and they've got some big sponsors behind that, so that'll be cool. And then, yeah, just...
You're going to be better than that milkshake film? Oh, I think most things are better than that milkshake film.
That was very odd. That was such a bit far. It actually kind of terrified me. Like, I'm not an easy, I'm not an easy scare.
It's like Black Mirror. What the fuck are we watching? Yeah, it was. It's actually, it's actually evil. Have you seen In the Night Garden? Yes. Sounded like it was narrated by that fucker. He's like, what the heck?
Man, you've got to double check these things before they go out. If you're, that was technically the response to a lot of these conversations. But like, you know that because it's come out of like a public office, it's been across 20 desks.
It's like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Let's film it. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Release it. So that's, that's how I feel about like a lot of mumblecore rap and like music like that.
And you go, how many people did this have to go through and get a seal of approval? And yet nobody's stopped it at any point. It's like, it's been signed off. This has been well and truly signed off.
Well, the more desks it has to cross, you know, the least amount of accountability you have because you can always shift the blame onto the next desk. It wasn't desk number 13's fault. It wasn't desk number 12's.
And that's how the public service works. So true. But yeah, so that's on the cards there, Brisbane. And then, so with this policy advising, this is well beyond what just happens in the confines of Parliament House. Now you're talking about community, you're talking about education system and you're taking it to well beyond, you know, these in-house task force that the government's had to implement in their own building, in their own offices. Well, any advocate and any activist knows that the real work is done, not necessarily there in parliament. Yeah. At the community level. Unteaching, teaching. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's the most rewarding as well because you actually start to see the benefits of it. Well, we can already see that the, as we said before, this half glass full Tasmanian has, you know, there's ripples right across the country. Absolutely. Results that we can see right now. We can see it within hours of that speech being given.
So thank you for joining us today on the Batutah Advocate Podcast. Grace Tame, did it feel good to get that off your chest? Gee, it felt good to get that out. Thanks, guys. That was awesome. Yeah.
And again, I'm not a political, well, I'm not aligned to a political party and I value negotiation. So if anything, I'm more of a, probably a left-leaning centrist, but I don't, I don't know.
Yeah. You're a tattooed Hobart gal who, you know, draws pictures. Maybe I would say that there's a kind of archetype there that you might be a little left-leaning, but it's in no way your fire brand is going to bring down the government. What's planned for the foreseeable future? I know it's basically hotel. That's what you live in now. You're looking weak in two weeks of advance. There's no projects, I guess, at this point. It's just fly by ear. Yeah.
So the next year looks like a lot of meetings with relevant policy makers and government ministers, which is really exciting. I'm really excited about that because to me, like the whole point of this was to really get the ball rolling on a lot of advocacy and making concrete change because normalising the conversation is one aspect and it's actually probably the most important part because it's how you start to generate the education, which then influences the legislation. But the next cool thing that I'm doing is going up to Brisbane and working with the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation on a campaign called Stop the Stigma.
Yeah, right. And yeah, so that'll be like a little film and they've got some big sponsors behind that. So that'll be cool. And then, yeah, just...
You're going to be better than that milkshake film? I think most things are better than that milkshake film.
That was very odd. That was such a big fire. Actually, it kind of terrified me. Like, I'm not an easy, I'm not an easy scare.
It's like Black Mirror. What the fuck are we watching?
Yeah, it was. Actually, it was actually Able. Have you seen In the Night Garden? Yes.
Sounded like it was narrated by that fucker. Iggle piggle. And I was like, what the heck? Man, you gotta, you gotta double check these things before they go out. If you're, if you're, if that was, that was technically the response to... But like...
But like, you know that because it's come out of like a public office, it's been across 20 desks. It's like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Let's film it. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Release it. You know, that's how I feel about like a lot of mumblecore rap and like music like that. And you go, how many people did this have to go through and get a seal of approval? And yet nobody's stopped it at any point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's been signed off. This has been well and truly signed off.
Well, the more desks it has to cross, you know, the least amount of accountability you have because you can always shift the blame onto the next desk. Yeah, it wasn't desk number 13's fault. It wasn't desk number 12's fault.
And that's how the public service works. Hey, so true. Woof-ty. But yeah, so that's on the cards there, Brisbane.
And then, so with this policy advising, this is well beyond what just happens in the confines of Parliament House. Now you're talking about community, you're talking about education system, and you're taking it to well beyond, you know, these in-house task force that the government's had to implement in their own building, in their own offices. Well, any advocate and any activist knows that the real work is done, not necessarily there in Parliament, it's done at the community level. Unteaching, teaching.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's the most rewarding as well because you actually start to see the benefits of it. Well, we can already see that the, as we said before, this half glass full Tasmanian has, you know, there's ripples right across the country, absolutely, results that we can see right now. We could see it within hours of that speech being given.
So thank you for joining us today on the Batoota Advocate podcast, Grace Tame. Did it feel good to get that off your chest? Gee, it felt good to get that out. Thanks, guys. Bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | PM_Pimps_His_Ride_Q_A_Ratings_Slump_Price_Drops_In_Thredbo_More_April_9 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates weekly bulletin. You're joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate and as is the case on these bulletins we have the whole newsroom in the office.
We have Errol Park editor at large. How are you Errol? Good mate. It's a beautiful week down here in the Diamond Tener I really pinched myself sometimes that I get to live out here in the desert. You got your jab yet?
No mate I don't believe in that type of shit. Okay yep that's um that's you know to their own let's not put that out through our media. I just think it was rushed. Yep let's not put this out. We'll get doxed again. I don't want to get stuffed in lots. You can deal with the emails and the phone calls Errol. You can adhere to the Prime Minister's rhetoric of undermining public health measures but we don't think that's a good idea to be putting that out through our news. Channels?
What about you Wendell have you had your jab yet? No I haven't had my jab yet Clancy I don't know anyone that has had it done yet. No well I thought Clancy you'd be at the front of the line considering you've got hepatitis B. Yeah well look they don't really take into account my time in prison when they're kind of putting people into brackets and you know who knows. Mate better you than me I say just you keep your blood to yourself Wendell mate what's making news this week?
Look we will start off with some political news and the Prime Minister has tried to get women back on side by putting Frangipani stickers on the back windscreen of his Holden Cruise. Yes the gendered base issues in the Liberal Party just haven't gone away like the big fella in chief had planned. So this week he tried out a new piece of marketing. He got his advisors to purchase some Frangipani car stickers to put on the back windscreen to try and win over the fairer half of our nation's voters. He was apparently tossing up getting a live laugh love sign to put up in his office there in Parliament House but eventually decided on the stickers.
He also told reporters that he enjoys rewatching every episode of the Gilmore Girls. Love that show.
In other national news and Q&A ratings have taken a hit as the nation apparently grows tired of watching elitists argue about the same shit for 20 years. Yes that's right the people at the always broadcasting communism organisation down there the Ultimo Kremlin are apparently freaking out about the ABC's iconic panel argument show Q&A experiencing a huge slump in ratings for 2021. A lot of the terrace house residents of Sydney and Melbourne are saying that moving the show from Monday to Thursday is the reason for the decline. But other allegations have emerged from viewers at home that a lot of regional and inner city audiences are actually just sick of listening to the culturally elite and financially secure boomers posture about the same shit every week while routinely applauding something that sounds remotely progressive. Yes Scott Daniels said he's not sure why the ratings have declined but he for one always looks forward to the opinion of the week's pop or rock star or actor panelist on complex political issues.
Kate Miller-Heidke's contribution to the carbon tax debate a few years back was a particular highlight for me. To the tourism recovery now and Threadbo has lowered accommodation down to $4950 per night after losing customers to the NZ travel bubble. Yes there was some good news this week with the government revealing the trans Tasman bubble should be hopefully a goer soon pending obviously on whether or not someone coughs the pangolins revenge on another person over there in New Zealand and it's good news for people who want to holiday at home as well. So grab your bank cards because accommodation down at Threadbro is now going for just $5,000 a night. Bargain. With people exploring the prospect of getting over to the home of the Bletterslow the people in our own snow fields have been forced to drag down their prices right down to the basement. Yes an affordable holiday is now on the table for everyone.
On that bubble JK Rowling has caused a bit of a stir by suggesting that the new trans Tasman travel bubble isn't a real biological bubble. Yes a controversial Harry Potter author tweeted a short time after the announcement that there are bubbles that occur naturally in nature and then there are bubbles that are manufactured and I think these new bubbles created by man pose a threat to the biological bubbles and occupy space that should not be taken up by the bubbles that aren't able to function in the same manner in which a biological bubble does. Concise and to the point. Of course the Scottish billionaire has quite a history of saying some controversial and transphobic things but it's not known why she's gotten so worked up about this trans Tasman bubble.
Maybe some wires crossed there but Frederick Bennett said he agrees with JK saying the next thing you know Kiwis will be wanting to use Australian toilets too. Well that's funny mate because I was always under the impression that Kiwis need to sit down to piss. And they can do it in whatever bathroom they like apparently.
And the rugby league world is in mourning after the game's greatest character passed away earlier this week. There'll be a moment of silence in every match this weekend in memory of the West, Jets, New South Wales and Australian halfback and a special day of tributes on Like Heart Oval on Sunday of course. But ARL commissioner Peter Vlandes has promised a little something else to honour this icon of the game. Yeah the NRL boss has reportedly told all the boys this weekend that they're free to throw a few hands in honour of Tommy Terrific with no fear of repercussions. So hopefully the boys can do the great scrapper a bit of justice.
Sounds like they'll have similar rules to what we have out here in the Channel Country competition. I don't think we've ever brought in the one punch red card rule out here. No no no just eye gouging that sort of stuff. Eye gouging, third man in is looked down upon and of course you can't put the slipper in if the fight goes to ground. But I think those are almost universal in rugby league.
And the third man is okay if the fourth man is coming in simultaneously as well. Or if the second man in is bigger than the first man in the third man in can come in the side. Pop on half back then the third man can come in to protect the half back.
That sort of stuff. From the side yeah. It's all common sense kind of stuff really. |
dropout | if_football_players_were_atheists | Chris McCutcheon, your diving touchdown catch as time expired saved the game and perhaps the season. What do you have to say about that miraculous grab? I'm just so thankful. I feel amazing. First of all, I've got to thank my parents for giving me the best of both their genes, for giving me the genetic makeup to make me taller, faster, more agile, without my body's ability to jump higher than the other players. I wouldn't have made that catch. I've got to thank Jesus.
Oh, he's a great source of inspiration. Jesus Romero, who gave a great block downfield. This is ours, Jesus. Romero. Oh, hello. Big guy upstairs. Come on, right? Our owner Barry Steinberg.
Thank you for paying my salary. I owe you my life because you pay me so well.
And is there anyone else you'd like to acknowledge? Yeah. Okay. Right here. Big one.
Whoever made this necklace, thank you. This is my lucky necklace.
This lowercase t is my favorite letter and it stands for my daughter tomorrow. Oh, that brings me to my wife. Baby, I miss you.
But I know you're looking down on me from above because she got a free ride in the Goodyear blimp and that is so cool. And thank you, Goodyear, for the great aerial view shot.
Father O'Malley. Yeah. My best friend, Ryan O'Malley's father, who coached the PeeWee team.
Thank you for showing me the light because without the addition of floodlights, we would not have been able to have those night practices, which I so enjoyed. But more than anything, I owe this victory to the miracle of evolution. Billions of years have gone into making me a superior athlete and Darwinian theory suggests survival of the fittest. And tonight, I survived. Thank you.
Oh, and there is no God. What if there was? Even he wouldn't have been able to catch.
What a catch. What a guy. Back to you, Chuck. Wow. |
TheOnion | Should_We_Exercise_If_The_Human_Body_Is_Only_Built_For_Short_Bursts_Between_Sitting_And_Lying_Down | fitness advice. Exercise two to three times a week for at least 30 minutes a day. And don't forget cardio. But don't exercise too much, or you'll get hurt. So how much exercise should you be getting?
Well, actually, not that much, since the human body is only built to withstand walking a short distance before lying or sitting down again. In fact, a group of biologists from Stanford found that walking more than five feet at a time can cause joint pain, fatigue, and even extreme hunger. The study concluded that the maximum effort the human body can safely endure is reaching for an item high on a shelf. Our bodies simply aren't built to stand up and move around, so maybe those high-intensity spin classes and daily jogs aren't such a good idea. Instead of walking up the stairs every day, try taking the elevator whenever possible. Make sure to replenish your body after exercising, and next time you're at the gym, change up the routine a bit and consider lying down on the treadmill every once in a while. You could even use a fitness tracker to let you know when you've been exerting too much energy. Your body will appreciate it. |
TheOnion | Aaron_Rodgers_Vows_To_Make_Season_Interesting_By_Killing_Self | There was that Mickelson guy and that kid from Ireland, that's too right there. Forget it, you're only making yourself look dumber by doing this. Well thank God, Tiger's back, I'm never going to forgive golf for making me learn all those golfers. Alright, get your golf out of my face. It's time for the Face-Off.
The Packers win again to go 12-0 and everyone's bored with their success, including Aaron Rodgers, who promises fans he'd kill himself by the end of the season. Said Rodgers, winning has lost its thrill and losing, obviously, is worse. Now my death is all that can give our season meaning.
Love this move. The team's already rallying behind their quarterback, who's willing to blast himself into oblivion for the good of the game. Knowing Rodgers, he'll keep it classy. One shot to the temple from his dad's Army 45, half a glass of bourbon and a Bible on the table next to him. Just like how Johnny Unitas went out. It doesn't matter how he does it. What's important is that he commits suicide and isn't around to ruin the season with his perfection. If Rodgers really cares about the game and his team, he'll find a way to take Favre with him. If Rodgers dies, football gets better. Just in different ways.
Now some bad news for football fans, we have to talk about the New York Jets. The Jets announced today that Mark Sanchez has suffered an injury to his right pussy finger. Ooh, an injured pussy finger is the last thing you want if you're a sexy NFL quarterback living in New York City.
He needs to rest that digit until he's absolutely sure it heals. You don't want to aggravate it and get shot. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this injury has been nagging him all year. He's been sloppy with his mechanics, using bad motion, forcing it, just locking in and firing away. At this level, you have to work past a dinged up pussy finger or a numb titty hand. Just because Sanchez can't cut the mustard doesn't mean he can't lick the jaw.
Jock, you folksy pervert. No one wants a paddle on their diddling finger. He might have to take a back seat to Mark Burnell, who said he's down to go out this weekend. Burnell's pussy finger is 41 years old. He can't keep up with the pace of today's finger, baby. Now that may be, or you just may be, a fat idiot.
The Florida Marlins announced today that they will offer the stupidest and most ridiculous possible contracts to any and all free agents. The Marlins are putting their crazy where their mouths are, giving Jose Reyes over $100 million for six half-seasons and three hamstring surgeries. They're gonna need more crazy than that to compete in the NL East. Look at the Mets. You can't just overpay for your big-name Santanas and Beltrons. You need your Jason's Bay and retired Benillas to fill out your payroll. The fish are planning to sign both Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder for a $400 million platoon. Throw one 50-mil at Grady Sizemore, and they'll be the craziest stupid team in the MLB.
All right. Stick around, Goon Feds.
This is the Cowboys Giants Preview. It's a must-win game for both teams. That's why I've got both teams winning.
It's my Doc Lock of the Week. Wait. We never approved that segment, Doc. I don't need your approval to make Doc Locks. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_SA_Tourism_Demands_Nation_Stop_Saying_Radelaide_Like_That_s_Worse_Than_Serial_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Um okay well we'll start now uh hello hi ladies and gentlemen and the rest of yous this is the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin my name is Clancy Overall I'm joined by Wendell Hussey and Errol Parker and these are the biggest stories of the week we're about to read to you but first I'll just ask how everyone's going what's going on here Wendell you've um you've done yourself a mischief yeah mate uh came off the uh the Yamaha over the weekend um out the back of town there so probably fucked it up but trying to avoid surgery I guess so yeah we'll see how we go miss is not very happy at all um obviously because I can't really help out um with a couple of little ones there so I'm in a bit of trouble but anyway mostly grazes as I can see on you no well it might be a couple of pins in there and so if that if that happens then I can't obviously pick up and do the bath times and all that sort of stuff so tell me you had your areolas shrunken yes an operation last year that kept you out of the newsroom for quite some time it appears now that you might have grazed it off what happens if you graze it off it just heals back they don't grow back no they're not like they're not like fingernails or anything like that not like an amphibian's leg they they don't come back so they just it just becomes like a a massive fish yeah endless peck think you look like a kendall yeah yeah nothing to rub nothing to touch they can get a bit uddery because of where the focal point is but um a bit uddery yeah like a an animal not uh wherever you're going but yeah it's um geez I tell you what upset a lot of people if you keep going down that route man yep so anyway yeah no they don't grow back clancy which is um it's not great so anyone out there thinking about it that's the thing with surgeons they don't really spell out all of the um kind of long-term consequences they just look at what's the easiest way for them to build the better part of you know anywhere between three and a half grand to 20 25 whatever they feel well it takes a while to study medicine they deserve to be paid out the ass in some sort of pyramid scheme and you need to remember every time you're dealing with a surgeon or indeed you know any medical professional that all of them are on the autism spectrum I mean all of them look they're granted very very high high functioning but to basically want to you know it's it's an unnatural urge to want to cut a person open and touch their naked organs straight up and if you speak to most of them a bit off a bit slow a bit like none of them do it you know because they want to you know help people people don't become surgeons to better humanity that you know they do it to get paid a lot of money and to be treated like gods obviously that's the thing it's like they came from getting the a plus students hd students hd plus students and then after school they needed that gratification uh so they just continued down the path that would allow that the longest yeah in their young adulthood which is studying medicine they still pick on each other about grades and yeah oh my god can you believe me yeah look yeah I'm the I'm the surgeon's favorite I'm the professor's this I know but look and it all falls apart when they reach about 45 and have some catastrophic bullying case against them and they realize that they yeah yeah you can't spit on the nurses anymore no we'll give them a nice little firm cut to the buttock when they walk past if they've done a good job most of them are just rich kids with good recall memory I mean that's like actors that's all you need to pass a degree in medicine is a good recall memory and the ability to live in a nice environment and not pay rent you know most importantly have a parent who is also a doctor and in the field that you want to go into is we you know it's just like living with a library living with a lecturer it's like yeah being embarrassed around the legal fraternity as well you know what I mean personally immigrants um non like broken english immigrants as my medical professionals because there's yeah no emotion and fucking status in it they're just like here's what's going on yeah I don't give a fuck how this happened they don't ask questions when I come in there with suspicious things going on in my body you you're a different case I think it's it's one of the skills of a doctor to ask questions and I know you know I already know what's wrong I just need it fixed yeah in that case but for other people they do need to ask questions and that's sometimes the thing is a great doctor will tell you what's wrong the great doctor will tell you yeah absolutely after they've done a little bit of fact-finding and I know they don't want to do fact-finding in your case and that's great and it's good to have the emotional intelligence to not go into that and dig too deep but for other people who have things that they don't know I just walk in there and I go listen Dr Chan something's fucking clicking do you say doctor or did you say listen Chan well I actually say listen Jackie Chan which is a bit of an offensive joke but look just one last thing that I said that that boils my piss about the medical industry is that you can have something like minorly wrong with you and your GP's like you need to go and see a specialist who happens to be a friend of mine and I think they're really good then you go and see the specialist pay them four hundred dollars for a consultation and they're like nothing's wrong with you bro speaking of kind of peculiar people let's talk about South Australians our closest capital city it's our first story of the week with South Australian tourism demanding that the nation stop saying Radalade like that's worse than serial killer capital yes I'll have to try and speak my finest queens for this next one rather than embracing the historic nicknames for the fifth most populated city the South Australian tourism board have attempted to discontinue Radalade and the city of churches nicknames this comes as part of an optimistic memo titled content exclusions and was handed out during and after the gather round AFL event in the Radalade yes it's not really known why the tourism body for the city of churches has asked people to stop calling them by their very respectable and historic nicknames given things like the snow town bodies in the barrels murders are probably a little less palatable than their churches no reference was made to nicknames such as the serial killer capital or barrel town or murderlade but the tourism people have yet to clear up what we are supposed to call them someone suggested calling them rattlesnake the rattlesnake I like that the hilltop hoods calls it the city of light the city of light I don't get it I just find this memo weird they haven't actually asked what they want people to say right they just said don't no don't say this yeah don't say this what are you trying to reposition themselves as like a wine and a culture place the city of churches is not really not many people are getting up and about not in light of that kind of tourism recent royal commissions come to Adelaide the nation's colostomy back but it's also like there's no like the churches aren't that good no we're not going to do a church tour of fucking Barcelona when Gaudi's created these monstrosities you know feats of architecture but you go down to Adelaide they're built by some fucking free shetler or a lutheran or a german yeah just blonde brick fucking you're not looking at the duomo moving on to some property news now from our home state and chili and bandit the dogs from the hit show bluey have agreed to sell their house after a foreign investor offered them an eye-watering sum of money for their red hill property yes Wendell famous for betraying everyday life in the form of a dog family the writers of bluey have nailed yet another relatable episode of the hit show titled ghost basket the newly released episode follows the story of bluey's family actualizing their notable property wealth in the form of their red hill home that's right a humble family of blue healers in the leafy inner west suburbs of Brisbane have cashed in big time on the Australian property boom with local real estate agents finally getting their way bandit and chili have accepted an eye-watering offer for their 1200 square meter block of land with a beautiful old multi-colored queenslander in a location on the property that will allow for a very profitable subdivision or in the case of the queens and as you can just stump them and fuck them off sell them to someone down in the back hills of Bangalore who are struggling getting a da and they can just stump a timber queenslander all this more yeah there's more to put them on some serious stilts if you send them down there's more or casino the blue hill appearance have revealed they'll be able to buy a nice place with a pool and chamside and comfortably still keep a million in the bank or so uh it's a pretty good outcome for them and um you know this is what's destroying society that's a lot of schmackos for just a few dogs isn't it they might be going wacko speaking of people going wacko and a local man has revealed that he'd rather inject himself with bootleg asymptic than make any adjustments to his diet and or exercise routine yes a bahutah heights man who's motivated to change his ways and better himself has confirmed to the advocate today that he's found a solution to the consequences of his metabolism slowing in adulthood rather than adopting an active lifestyle josh juice jug says it's easier to just inject and elicit appetite suppressed into his body yes the more regulated brand name asymptic or the liquid lap band as it's uh known is a medication primarily used to manage type 2 diabetes it's typically administered as a once weekly injection and is often prescribed alongside diet and exercise to help control blood sugar levels in adults with type 2 diabetes however for josh getting the prescription was not feasible so he decided to just buy a bootleg version of the stuff online at a website called teemu um when that arrived he just jabbed it in his gut he said to us it's a secret version of the secret to weight loss and i believe he did prove that giving the entire interview whilst eating a chalk top yes he was eating a chalk top that he got out of the fridge he says he goes to the movies especially just to buy a chalk top oh he gets the legit ones he gets the proper ones and uh yeah no look him and his cat had a chalk top so he he was holding a chalk top for his cat and his cat was gone was going mad for it talking about having your chalk top and your cat eating it too a lot of people in the comments didn't like the commentary around that article because they thought it was uh reiterating old stereotypes that simply exercising and dieting is enough to lose weight if you burn more calories than your intake and i understand what they're saying but they need to understand that this actual subject um is is one of those fat cunts that you you know like a proper certified fat cunt there's no thyroid problem here there's no excuse at all he actually eats too much and he doesn't exercise and he doesn't want to change his ways so he's using a zempic illegally a legal is epic to shortcut some form of exertion that might help him live longer well he is an old-fashioned i know but look you you look you have to take into account fancy that we're just a few short days away from commemorating you know all the service that the anzacs have given to this country and indeed all of us too and you know we are going to pause and remember your uh great grand uncle roberto overall yeah he was he he was actually captured in the fall of singapore and ended up on the tiber railway but he actually he actually left to go to the war morbidly obese for that time which was i guess probably 20 kilos overweight and in his time in the tiber railway he didn't lose a kilo he didn't no he proved that starvation and no he had extreme exertion of the human body he had he had a very slow metabolism and it would have been tough for him no no he had the especially he had the excuses he could he proved it doesn't matter if you were spending 20 hours a day building railroads and eating half a steel uh cup of rice a night sometimes it's just not sometimes there's no option but to he was too busy with work as well to focus on that's that's what they that was the first iteration of the man shake yeah was the anzac shake which was a cup of rice a day and extreme labor where's the cut and keep the beers you can keep the sake oh on the topic of beers our final story of the week is about a pint-sized local man buying himself a new ford ute that's so goddamn big he needs a stepladder to get into it yes from fat cunts to short cunts pindics if you will a local tradesman from our town's humble flight path district has shifted his hyper masculinity into fifth gear today brad short king 29 has done so with the purchase of a brand new ford f6969 the biggest ute the country has ever seen following in the footsteps of oversized fuel guzzling icons like the f-150 and the f-450 the new f6969 is eight and a half tons of pure grunt muscle and diesel they aren't actually available for purchase here in australia but bsk managed to import one from the states for the very affordable price of 400 000 australian pesos worth it all according to the man who stands a touch over five foot seven who can now lord over the pathetic raptor and zoosie drivers good for him i think it takes up roughly four and a half standard parks down at the shops um so it's as big as they get very excited he can't actually get through the maccas yeah he has to too have on the back of it do not overtake turning vehicle if you can't see my mirrors i can't see you that's true without trucks australia stops that's also true i'm just thinking of all your bubba stickers you're now passing another fox lindsey fox he has lobbied against the construction of railroads in this country he also lives in boomerang uh in elizabeth bay and portsea where dan andrews apparently got pushed down the stairs okay that's enough we're revealing too many deep state secrets here yeah um thank you for listening to the patoota advocates weekly bullet who wrote bye bye wagwan this is as big as they get very excited he can't actually get through the maccas yeah he has to too have on the back of it do not overtake turning vehicle if you can't see my mirrors i can't see you that's true without trucks australia stops that's also true i'm just thinking of all your bubba stickers you're now passing another fox lindsey fox he has lobbied against the construction of railroads in this country he also lives in boomerang uh in elizabeth bay and portsea where dan andrews apparently got pushed down the stairs okay that's enough we're revealing too many deep state secrets here um thank you for listening to the patoota advocates weekly bullet |
cracked | every_youtube_response_video_ever | Hi, it's me laughpuppy23 And I just want to address some of the things that parknogs11 Greg 5 said on his channel Okay, I I cannot believe I did How could you possibly think that something is better than the other thing? Okay, you're you're you're an idiot You're just an idiot. I mean, okay for the sake of argument. Let's say it is but it's not so okay first of all, I'm pissed and second of all, I disagree and Thirdly, you're wrong because of that. So you're just you're you're you're a moron. Okay, you're a moron and Fun fun fun fun fun. Fun. I know that you had some similar viewpoints on your channel and I'm not trying to rag on you Okay, I hope we're still cool, but you're wrong about this. You're wrong.
Oh, I mean It's just I just put it No, okay, so nuh-uh and fuck you Hey Sarah, hey you yeah you You know what would really make me happy like just the happiest is if you could click subscribe Yeah You'd like it. You know, you'd like it. I'd like it. So You could do me Just this great big favor.
I'll be your best friend forever Please |
dropout | Millennials_Are_Ruining_Our_Trash_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
In health news, today scientists announced that brains don't actually do anything. This overturns the long-standing belief that brains were an important part of the human body. According to a report from the World Health Organization, quote, Brains are useless. Brains are just lumps of gray gristle and aren't responsible for thought or emotion. Brains are the same exact goop you find in pimples. You could rip out your brain and it wouldn't make a difference and you'd be totally fine.
Scientists found out that what actually makes thought possible is your nipples. Your nipples are very sensitive to things like sexy ice cubes being rubbed on them because they have lots of nerves. And those nerves also form the basis of all thought and intellect. Albert Einstein was so smart because his nipples were unusually long. Nearly three inches, like a pair of pink caterpillars dangling off his chest. Super gross. This really makes sense. I've always suspected that nipples are what makes the human mind possible.
Oh, why is that? Well, when I touch my nipples, I always get a little tingly feeling. And then I touch them harder, I squeeze them. I get my cat to nibble them a little. It really gets that sensation going and I go, mmm, that feeling, that must be what the brain feeling feels like. That's why. Science truly is amazing.
In other news, millennials are at it again. Millennials are the idiots that destroy everything. Millennials are the children that grew up into villains. To find out the latest about bad, dumb millennials, we turn to our recurring segment, Millennial Morons with Mo Markendarken. Hi, Mo. What are millennials killing today?
The latest thing millennials are ruining is dumping garbage in the river. They refuse to do it. Millennials don't want the river full of garbage because they prefer it when rivers are made of water instead of trash. But rivers are the best place for garbage. When you have garbage, you throw it in the river and the river takes it away. Rivers are nature's toilet. Instead, millennials throw their garbage in a millennial invention called the garbage can. Then a hipster called the garbage man takes the garbage to a millennial safe space called the garbage dump. When the river's disgusting is an American tradition.
Sad to see it end because of millennials. Millennials have no respect for the past. They ruin everything. What else have millennials destroyed?
So many things. Let me list them for you. Cat food.
Science. Sports. Baseball. Basketball. Frisbee.
Drinking. Whiskey. Rye whiskey.
No, could you name nine more things? Yes. Keanu Reeves. Popcorn. Yoda.
Juggling. A yo-yo. A blue yo-yo. A green yo-yo.
The number eight. And the number nine.
And that's why I hate millennials. My son is a millennial and I hate him. He is my enemy now because he doesn't like all the things I like. What does your awful son do? Oh, I'll tell you all about my horrendous millennial son.
He has a phone and he's talking on it all the time. Damn. And he's always like, shut up, dad. And he will go in his room and even though I turn off the Wi-Fi, he comes out and he's like, hey, if you don't turn the Wi-Fi on, I'm going to kill mom. And I talk to him about how that's not acceptable.
And then he's nine and he took my car to the gas station and ran it into one of the gas pumps and I had to pay for it. It's $40,000. It's good he's driving though.
Yeah. Yeah, shows initiative. Yeah, yeah.
But I hate him and that's why I hope my son gets hit by a car. Millennials. Thanks for that report, Mo. Every time I hear about how awful millennials are, it makes me glad that they're poor and in debt and can't afford doctors. So if they get sick, they just get sicker and sicker until they die.
We now turn to breaking news out of China where a major disaster is unfolding. Our foreign correspondent, Chuck Buttstone, is live on the scene in Beijing. Chunk, what's going on down there? Everyone's worst nightmare has just come true.
Today Jackie Chan held a press conference where he announced that he's evil now and he's going to beat up everybody for fun. Why? Why would Jackie Chan do that? Jackie Chan said, quote, I'm bored for only fighting people for pretend in movies. I want to test my martial arts skills in the real world on innocent men, women, and children. I'm doing this because I've turned evil for no reason. For years I've been afraid of Jackie Chan turning evil and misusing his karate powers. I prayed this day would never come. Countless people have been beaten up as Jackie Chan roams the streets, punching and kicking without mercy. Everywhere I look people are laying on the ground groaning and asking for ice packs to soothe their bruised bodies. Has Jackie Chan shown any sign of slowing down his karate rampage?
No, he said he won't stop until he's kicked everyone's ass. Everyone in China? No, everyone in the world. He will not stop until he's kicked the ass of all humanity. Jackie Chan said he's going to beat up China, then walk across the rest of the earth, continent by continent, walloping every single person one by one.
Did the Chinese government try to stop Jackie Chan? Yes, they sent their entire army to arrest him, but soldiers made the mistake of attacking him inside a grocery store, and Jackie Chan used all the fruits and vegetables to fight them off in creative ways, just like in his movies. How exactly did Jackie Chan use fruits and vegetables to defeat the entire Chinese army?
Can you describe the fight? The fight?
Seen step by step? Sure. Here's what Jackie Chan did. First, he grabbed a banana. He shoved it into somebody's eye. That was just step number one. Next, he walked over to the oranges.
He opened them up. Opened them? Opened them up.
And he put the sour part directly into somebody else's eye. Did a lot of eye stuff. That guy was running around, and he ran into the cereal aisle, and knocked down all the cereal on a different man. So no, Jackie Chan did not kill that man. Someone else did. Jackie Chan then went over to the lettuce. He shoved it down somebody's throat. Somebody choked on the lettuce. And they died.
Should I keep going? What's nine more items? I'll quickly list them.
Jackie Chan killed someone using paper plates. Watermelon. Life cereal. Smart popcorn. Cheetos.
Four more? Yeah, that's five.
Okay. I can do this. Just four things that are in the grocery store. Avocado. I want to be accurate. Avocado. Someone had an avocado allergy, and he knew it. Tomatoes. Pasta sauce. And the last one? Frozen pizza.
Wow. Wow, that's scary stuff. That does it for us. But before we go, we'll announce that our loser this week is Carolyn. Thanks for watching. I liked Jackie Chan. Yeah, yeah.
He turned evil for no reason. Yeah, for no reason at all. Terrible. |
dropout | hardly_working_i_want_my_doctor | It's coming! The baby's coming!
Who are you? Who is this?
My name is Dr. Gerwidge. Dr. Kliman is my doctor. You're not my doctor. I want my doctor.
Alright, Dr. Kliman is in a bad mitzvah in Santa Barbara, okay? Bad mitzvah?
No. No, no, no, no. I'm available to his patients. I'm going to help you through this. This is not what we talked about. He said he would be here. Honey, call Dr. Kliman. You got it. Who are you?
You're not my husband. Adam's my husband. I want my husband. Okay, Adam's at a go-kart race in Tallahassee, but I'm perfectly qualified to be your husband. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Call my husband.
Wait, that's a Panasonic HVX 200. That's not my camera. I want my camera. Okay, I understand, sweetheart, but your camera is an underground dog fighting West Baltimore. This camera is perfectly qualified.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not what we talked about. It's too late, Mrs. Schneider. You're dilating, okay? I'm going to give you some cooter medicine. What? That's not my cooter medicine. I want my zen. Okay, your cooter medicine is at a climate change summit in Washington, D.C. It gave me strict instructions not to call it. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, I can see ahead, Sarah.
I need you to push. Push.
It's a healthy baby girl.
This is not my baby. These are not my hands. I'm not Sarah Schneider. This is not my ending. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_doobs_part_3_w_thomas_middleditch | Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. See, I told you we could be naked. Oh my god, get out. Well, this is supposed to be an intervention, but I guess nobody likes you enough to show up.
Oh? Don't act smug, I know that hurt. Is it something I said or did? I mean, both.
You've been rubbing everybody the wrong way for the past four or five years. Yeah, that explains why everybody's been acting coy to me since 2003. It's not coy. It's not coy, they hate you.
Is he dead yet?
Or is it not that kind of intervention? What kind of interventions do you go to? What are you doing here, dudes?
I RSVP'd to this intervention one year ago today, on e-vite. Impossible, I didn't have an e-vite for this intervention. I just decided to have it last week.
So quiet up, honey. You can't call me that anymore. Oh, weird. No. Yes, because this is three seconds ago, I have literally changed my name yet again to Penis Dickling, the goose. That's not a goose noise. Now how am I to make fun of him? I don't know. Penis is still pretty bad. I mean, Dickling's awful. Mr. Goose. Curse you. That's the nicest thing he could have called you. Never matter.
We're not here to discuss myself or the millions of films I've now been cast in. We're here to talk about a weird and his father and his father's tiny, spindly, sticky little legs. Wait a second. Films? Oh, you haven't heard?
I am now officially and universally a famous actress.
Whoa, short shorts. I really hope you just misspoke. I didn't.
I've been cast as the femme fatale in the brilliant student film A Bridge Over River Queer.
Yes, you heard that. How do you like that range?
Even Thomas Hanks hasn't played a woman, and he's an MTV Movie Award nominee.
Okay, I don't think you're right about either of those things.
Yes, he is. No, he's not. Yes, he is. No, I'm not.
Tell me, do you have a CD-ROM drive? No. What? We don't have a CD-ROM drive. Meaning? Meaning they're old and out of date, we don't have one. Then what the hell is this?
It's a telephone. Okay. And these? Books.
Well then, where's your CD-ROM drive? We don't have one. How many gigabytes does your company own?
How is that relevant? You're not a tycoon. Your whole job is a lie. What are you talking about?
Give me your CD-ROM drive. We have a DVD player. What is that? It plays DVDs. Are you serious? Meaning? Meaning it plays DVDs. Level with me. This has an MPEG-4 on it. Can you play it? I probably just put it in a DVD player. Okay, we'll see.
Wow. Insane. New York City, 1995, B.C. Wow, dude, this looks awful. Shh, it's brilliant. How could you say that?
Hello, Mrs. Doobbs. Hello, peasant.
No. I get it now. Today we make history. Much like when your father tried to make history with me. Stop. A million years ago when he tried to hug me. Don't. And smooch me. No. A thousand times in one day. No, you're off script. And I let him.
Gah!
I'll kill you! I challenge you to a wrestling match.
Check that out! |
TheOnion | Sheltered_Suburban_School_Already_Knows_They_re_Going_To_Fuck_Up_Black_History_Month | An Olympian has always dreamed of one day having fun with friends. The nation's girlfriends admit that absolutely everything's riding on Valentine's Day, and a keyboard's second row is a veritable who's who of special punctuation characters. You only have a finite time upon this earth before you're gone forever, and this is how you choose to spend it? Excellent choice. This is The Onion Week in Review.
As they surveyed their disproportionately small number of minorities, administrators to sheltered suburban high school Deerfield Academy told reporters this week that they were already pretty sure they would be fucking up Black History Month. Acknowledging that their staff and student body is nearly completely Caucasian, school officials explained they essentially couldn't help but screw this one up. Administrators noted that they would probably either put on a condescending display using their three black students, fundamentally misunderstand the struggles of African Americans, or maybe even force students to join hands and sing a traditional African anthem. Between the Miles Davis tribute by our school's overfunded jazz band and the all-white production of A Raisin in the Sun, the one real question is how badly we're gonna fuck this one up. The only thing we can say for sure, though, is that this month at Deerfield is going to be one racially pandering overly simplistic piece of shit.
Speaking rapidly as they frantically gestured to reporters, a group of manic researchers announced Thursday that they were mere hours away from finding a lasting cure for depression, saying they could finally see the solution in perfect clarity as they paused to hurriedly sketch down notes, the team of frenzied scientists told reporters that they felt such boundless energy that they could see no limit to their findings. We're definitely going to find a cure tonight. No question about it. I mean, at the rate we're going, we'll probably find a hundred cures before sun-up. Look at all this stuff. It's all right here. I mean, the neuroscience, the chemistry, it's brilliant, it's perfect. You know, we may even get to some other studies. Who knows? We're just really nailing it right now. Four hours later, the suddenly exhausted researchers told reporters that depression was probably impossible to cure and asked everyone to just leave them alone.
Co-workers of Philadelphia resident Phillip Ames told reporters this week that despite being a middle-aged man who waits tables for a living, the 48-year-old sadly has no creative side projects to speak of. Fellow employees noted that while Ames spends over 50 hours every week taking orders and busing tables, he was unfortunately in no way using this as fodder for a tragic comic play or series of folk songs on a self-recorded EP. I always assumed that while Phil was working here, he was also working on a screenplay or a collection of poetry, a one-man show like the rest of us. And after talking to him for a while, I realized his job is his main thing. It's all he does.
And in local news, a co-worker who already breathes and chews loudly is thinking about getting into a rhythmically drumming on his desk. In other news, Michael Sam hopes sexuality won't be an issue in a locker room full of testosterone-fueled former high school bullies, a new Doctors Without Licenses program provides incompetent medical care to refugees, and Nitro wins the Westminster dogfight. But what do I do now, you're likely wondering? It's very simple. Re-watch this video hundreds of times until you feel the urge to fall asleep. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | victoria_s_secret_can_cover_your_business_snl | Hey, Melody. I just want to say you're doing a great job so far, and you know we're really psyched to have you here on the Victoria's Secret team. Thanks, Phil. And by the way, Looking good? Thanks, Phil. looking real good? Oh, hey, you know, I'm you know, I'm straight, right?
Oh hello, I'm looking for a sales clerk. Yes, sir. can I help you find something?
Yeah, my aunt needs some new underwear. I need some new drawers because I am going to a sleepover function. Okay, we've got some really pretty panties.
All right, I'm gonna be back in a minute. I'm gonna go to the Apple Store. Ah day man. we got apples at home. You stay here with me in case somebody tries to snatch me.
Now, what style of panty do you like? We've got french cut panties. bikini cut panties. I want to make something clear from the get go. I am only interested in purchasing undergarments that cover up my business. Well, these are from a very sexy collection. they're really great because they're comfy, but they're also very sexy, too young woman. I have a one question for you. Do these drawers cover up your business? Well, it depends on what you mean by business.
My pocketbook, manana, my knick-knack my moosey-goosey All right, my hot dog warmer, my sugar ball, my peppermint patty. I think I get it. you don't want a phone. is that the kind that goes over your jungle book and up out through your biscuits? Yeah, no, thank you. Hey, we finding everything. All right folks.
Look, can you just help her find some granny panties, please? I mean, her size is big and square. Well, actually man, you might find what you're looking for over at Sears Intimate Apparel or Montgomery Ward. What hot shot? Think I'm not woman enough to shop up in there? Let me ask you a question. you ever seen a real woman?
Take a look at this. Check that out. You ever seen something like these? What about these? And take a look at that thing. nothing will blow your mind.
Melody: Yeah, if you wouldn't mind, take care of these nice people from you, Please I'm gonna go pop up Peps at Ac and try and forget what just happened. Well, these are some french cut panties. They're really damn the baby. Help me try these on the lady, I help you. The dressing room is right over there. I'm gonna try more right here. front of God and everybody.
I don't have any secrets.
Victoria does. Let's go baby. One leg at a time and you go and the other one open up them golden gates.
Here we go, I'll leave you. I'll leave you. I'll leave you and banger.
Okay, this is cool. now. these here. cover up my woodchuck. Great, can I ring those up for you? No, baby. I'm gonna keep them on. You can just aim that scare and gun thing right up underneath my house coat. But baby, shoot that laser beam away from my business, I don't want it to get all fried up. That will be $14 and 94 cents. What? But just one pair of all drawers. Oh, no, you can keep. Hey, I'll pay for him. it's alright. I got it. Oh my sweet. Never gonna pay for my drawers. somebody gonna get a pretzel today? Come on, baby. let's go. Thank you Wow Melody Big ups on handling that customer, You know, you're a real classy lady. Phil, Don't try to get up in my mosey-goosey. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_woman_in_me_auditions_snl | I'm beyond touched that my book, The Woman and Me, hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list. to say the least, my audio book is read by the amazing Michelle Williams, but she wasn't the only one who wanted to read it. here's a peek at some of the other actors who auditioned to read The Woman and Me. Okay, Allison Janney, Chapter 25. shaving my head was a way of saying to the world, a few. you want me to be pretty for you? a few. Who wrote this?
Timothy Chalamet. no, no, no. yeah, yeah, yeah. any time you're ready to start. No, no. Martin Scorsese. who's saying action? I'm saying action. you're saying action?
Steve O. from Jackass. How could I explain? I just wanted to be held by Kevin Federline in a swimming pool? Oh, sweet, a stapler. staple my nuts to my thigh. I was a little girl. all I wanted for Christmas was a horse. a horse, you know, like a tall dog. I was addicted to drugs. Kevin James. Peter from The Stripes. Okay, next. Natasha Lyonne.
So, at this point, I'm not a girl, but not yet a woman. I'm in between, I don't know.
Fred Schneider from the B-52s. my little sister was a total bitch. Julia Fox. yeah, okay, I'm ready. put it in, I said, and he replied, it's in. my whole world clogged. Jay Piggott Smith, the chapter on Kevin Federline. that night was chaotic. I couldn't believe that will. My husband slapped Chris Rock. I think you're reading from the wrong book. am I? Two Podcast Alopecia. Neil Degrasse Tyson.
Justin got really excited and said so loud, oh, yeah, fauches, fauches, genuine. What's up Homie? fauches. Okay, that's enough. Is Britney going to be here? no. okay, we call her? no. can I go?
Werner Herzog. in Sync was what people back then called So Pimp. They were white boys, but they loved hip-hop.
I am entranced by this floridian vernacular. high spice. everyone, like, thought I had implants and, like, that's crazy, dah-dah-dah. Dame Maggie Smith. when I was pregnant, I wanted everyone to stay away. I think Britney would have been a ha-ha-ha-ha. Bill Hader. when I was little, I wanted to be a star like Madonna. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Red_Under_the_Bed_A_Local_Meat_Bandit_Feels_No_Guilt_A_Balding_Mate_Plays_a_Straight_Bat_and_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. It is the Batutah Weekly Bulletin, you know what it is, you've probably got us on automatic alerts. Shout out to the Die Hard listeners, thank you for being with us all these years.
What number did this be, some of them in the 300s? 289 actually. Really, the 300s.
Interesting. Yeah, it's been an interesting transition, we've migrated audiences across to this wild new medium. A lot of people have joined us, tied riders together and the fact of the matter remains we're still writing 10,000 words a week on the Batutah Advocate which we are relaying directly into your ears right now. I'm Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, I'm joined by Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey. How are you gentlemen? Yeah, not too bad, I just thought I'd kick this podcast off with a reading from the Bible, this is Mark chapter 3 verse 5.
And he looked around at anger with them, grieved at their hardness of heart and said to the man, stretch out your hand. He stretched it out and his hand was restored. What's that about, like healing?
In a condensed version, the point of the 10 commandments is to honour God and man. The Mosaic law explains how to worship God and respect all others. But instead of giving priority to God and others, the friaries give priority to laws and the sake of laws.
Open to interpretation. Yeah, open to interpretation. Shout out to the real ones though, that have stuck with us for 289 episodes. We're not going to fucking channel 10 project you, your beliefs are your beliefs and one thing I will say is apart from whatever just came out of Errol's mouth, God left this part of the world a long time ago, so we're entitled to... So you are going to project them.
That's not true though, he's ever present. Well he has that giant aeroplane hanger with that bloke with bleached teeth with a jumbotron behind him. Well look, he lives as much inside you as those ringworms did a few months ago. As you can see, Errol's gotten on top of his drinking and it's bringing a new positive vibe to the office. He's edgy though, he's on edge. He's on edge but he's found his almighty, what's the word they use in AA?
I should know. A new vice. No. Yes. Jesus is my vice now. It's for all shapes, sizes, walks of life, religions. Maybe I was going to the wrong one. I got caught up in something else. Good times. Thanks for that Errol, let's get on with the news. Yep, yep, yep we shall.
Look they tried to warn us last year, it's a slippery slope, it won't be easy under the Albanese, we heard it all, we were warned and now the piece of shit communists in charge of our country are scrapping super tax breaks for the last people we should be worrying about. Yeah in news that shouldn't surprise anyone, this new labour government have shown themselves to be the reds under the bed Wendell. The Albanese government and this piece of shit communist front bench they have, have vowed to scrap tax breaks for the 0.5% of Australians who have more than 3 million Australian pesos in their superannuation accounts, in three years time of course. Yes only a year into government and their feral communist behaviour begs the question, what will they come for next?
That's the real concern here, it might not seem like much now but these are hardworking people being taxed double for no reason other than the fact that they have over $3 million in their super accounts, when will this madness end? And that's the other thing as well that the likes of Matt Canavan have pointed out, if inflation continues, $3 million is going to be a lot bigger than 0.5%. Not for me, I mean I think inflation will take my $13 to probably $25, $26 in super by the time we get to $20.
As they say in the good book Wendell, you've got to serve somebody and for people like you and for people especially like you Clancy, you beach house owning, yacht driving, it's a lake house, elite yes look look you have to pay your fair share of tax. Absolutely, I know real Christians would say that and maybe Albanese you know, he has got a good lick of the Lord in him. Well you know what they do say in the church though is that we pay double GST, we pay the goods and services tax and we pay the God service tax so I give 10% of my income on top of the stuff that I already pay in GST to the church. Which strain of Christianity has got your constituency?
Well look at the moment I am at the sunrise church in Lake Petuta. That's the aeroplane hanger I was talking about, it's an enormous venue.
It is a bit of a catch all for people who you know go through something. I think we'll just pull it out there Errol, I don't think we need you putting that sort of stuff on here. Errol it's good to see a return of the progressive Christian. You've got a not very Christian story to follow up with so we'll get into it.
Coles and Woolworths bragging about record profits has meant that a local man no longer feels guilty about stealing meat. Speaking to the advocate under the condition of anonymity, the meat bandit was raised a good catholic and he said he always felt a little bit guilty about stealing meat from the supermarket. However after Coles and Woolworths started bragging about the billions they're fleecing from farmers and everyday Australians, he said he no longer feels guilt. Yeah he says he's begun stealing meat to give his neighbours as well as obviously avoiding paying the 40 bucks for steak himself and obviously he's got a number of methods involving the brown onion trick, big raincoats, backpacks and so on. You know I don't condone this but I understand it and at least he's helping out his neighbours. Yeah the general sentiment in the comments is good on your brother was very much fuck Coles and Woolworths.
True. You're awfully mate. Bust it up. What's next?
We've got a story about a balding mate who has been pretty vague about why he's incorporating Terkere into his Euro trip. Yeah I don't think he's going there in his capacity as a fireman this bloke. Yes the reasonably, yes I don't think he's going there to do any aid work if you know what I mean. The reasonably well liked without being loved, Patuta Heights man named Kerrid Berrigan has this week refused to answer questions about his upcoming European holiday. He played a straight bat to his mates after being asked why he was spending over a week in Terkere. Obviously it's a lovely country and Istanbul is the jewel of West Asia. But questions have been raised about whether his retreating hairline had anything to do with his obscure itinerary that saw him visiting the cosmetic and hair follicle surgery capital of the world.
After deflecting for the majority of the pub session he eventually snapped before getting the sulks and effectively ending the topic of conversation. Yeah he did have a big sulk.
Now we're going to finish up with a positive story. It's a nice feel good one.
There was a wedding on the weekend and not a single dry eye was left in the house after a local bloke used chat GPT to craft the most beautiful wedding vows ever. Yes a Patuta Ponds man wowed his friends and family this weekend pass with an incredible speech at his wedding. 32 year old Tom said he was initially nervous about having to craft the speech given he's not the best public speaker and doesn't have a way with words. His own admission by the way. Well he turned to chat GPT as many students and illiterate people are around the world and he was immediately presented with the most beautiful heart wrenching passage of text he'd ever read in his life. Knowing immediately he'd stumbled upon an absolute gem. And it went off without a hitch he said until he decided to speak to us and his new wife learnt about the corner cutting behaviour from Tom.
But that was his call so what can you do mate? What can you do? |
dropout | girls_sleepover_prank_call_gets_weird | One, two, three, go! Everybody move to the right.
Hey, girl, don't you see? Your heart is like a diamond man. Shelby, where did you get this tape? I told you, I took that bus to Manhattan, I snuck in the concert, and I put that roadie's finger in my mouth. And then I got the tape. Oh my God, Shelby, you always get the guys. Anybody want snacks?
There's going to be such better lunches in the eighth grade. Yeah, such better lunches in the eighth grade.
Cassie, you should prank called Tracy Thompson. What? No, why would I prank called Tracy? Because she's starting rumors about you. No. No, I didn't hear that. We did. Like, like what? Like she says you share underpants with your grandma. What? That's dumb.
She said that you have a bunch of shirts in the nurse's office for when you get too sweaty. She said that your sheets are made out of burlap. She says you have a live journal and it's secret and it sucks. She said your old school was for blind kids. She told Juan Julio, the foreign exchange student, that you're the gym teacher. She says your teeth are actually chiclets. She said you had a panic attack on a plane and you pooped.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, fine, fine. I'll call her. Tracy's at cheerleading camp, so you're going to have to call her mom. No, I'm not talking to her mom. She said it! Okay, okay, okay, I'll call her mom.
Hi, yeah, I'm calling from the abortion clinic. You see? The abortion clinic? I'm sorry. Okay, okay, okay, um, my name is Anita and I am calling from the abortion clinic. Your daughter, Tracy, she had an abortion and I was going to drive her home and that's how I know her and I was going to drive her because someone had to drive her, right?
She was all woozy from the anesthesia, you know? And I was driving and I got on the highway and we were driving along for like two seconds and then a truck, a truck hit the side of us and we got it, we crashed! And then she flew, she flew right out of the car and she split into pieces. There was two of her. She was two on the side of the road and I'm here right now and I don't know what to do.
I'm here. There are sirens. Woo! Oh my God. Okay, cops are coming over here now. They're running over right now. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Okay, okay.
Officer, officer, that's her. That's her over there. That's her over there, right? That's her over there.
I ruined your life. I ruined your life and I ruined mine.
I cannot live like this. I can't.
I'm gonna end it.
I have a gun. I'm gonna shoot you, officer, if you don't shoot me first. Shoot me. I don't want to live. I killed a little girl. Shoot me. Please, I can't do this. My children. Yes, children. Shoot me.
Girl, did somebody open the Cheeto? That was the one thing I said. No Cheetos. |
TheOnion | CBS_Inks_Deal_For_30_Episode_Bloomberg_Ad_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_22 | CBS executives are celebrating today after inking a deal for a 30-episode Bloomberg ad. How many Emmys will it win, and are any of you cowards brave enough to teach me how to use my DVR so I can watch it?
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm your savior, Leslie Price, and I'm about to show you the light, the way, and the news. Stay with us.
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the number one finance app in the App Store and the easiest way to send and receive money. It's so easy, I accidentally sent my entire savings account to some guy in Oregon. What will Silicon Valley think of next? Download CashApp today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
Good news if you're a fan of political ads. CBS Television Studios announced today that the network has inked a deal for a 30-episode advertisement with the Mike Bloomberg campaign. OPR political entertainment reporter Marcy Hammond has been following this story and joins me now. Hi Leslie. Marcy, tell us about this deal. Well, CBS wanted to build on its already lucrative relationship with Mike Bloomberg. The network has been airing a series of 30-second spots about the late 70-something former New York City mayor who's campaigning to become president of the United States. CBS Studios executive Kate McNamara called the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads a quote, no-brainer. I immediately thought, yes, I absolutely want to follow this character's arc as he goes from podium to podium in various venues, talking about his carefully curated accomplishments and calls for vague new policies. It's fresh, it's relevant, and it represents exactly the kind of commercial-filled primetime television we at CBS strive to create. And critics are already praising the decision, calling the new one-hour ad House of Cards without the intrigue meets the West Wing if President Bartlet was an out-of-touch media mogul jumping into the race last minute with a shit ton of money to burn. Here's a clip from the pilot commercial.
By the way, I'm the only candidate in the race who doesn't take a penny in contributions from anyone. No big donors, no special interests, nothing.
In the meantime, I'm traveling the country, speaking, I'm Mike Bloomberg and I approve this message. Oh wow, sounds like we're gearing up for a real tearjerker as well. I'd love to hear more of that for 40 minutes straight. Right. We can get even more than that because not only will the hour-long episodes be broken up by 15- and 30-second commercial breaks already bought by the Bloomberg campaign, but CBS will be re-airing the Bloomberg 2020 episodic commercials during the week as many times as Mr. Bloomberg wants. I'm sold. Marcy, how can people tune in? Bloomberg 2020 campaign ad version 257B premieres this Tuesday night at 8-7 Central after NCIS. Ah, can't wait to Bloomberg and chill on Tuesdays.
Oh, Leslie, don't say that. OPR's Marcy Hammond, everyone.
Sleep deprivation is a public health epidemic. It's estimated that almost one-third of Americans don't get the recommended seven hours of sleep every night. So how can you improve your sleep and lead a healthier, more enjoyable life?
Well, a new study from the University of Washington suggests the best natural aid may be getting rocked to sleep by an old woman who cradles you in her big, soft bosom and sends you German lullabies. OPR's wellness correspondent Jenna Resnick is here to discuss the findings. Guten tag, Leslie. So Jenna, tell us, how can finding yourself a stout German grandma help you sleep better? Well, sleep problems can be caused by a variety of issues from stress to diet. But scientists in this study found that resting your head in the soft, warm chest of an elderly German matriarch as she sings you songs of little dancing angels along the flowing Rhine River greatly calmed subjects' nerves and helped block out the sensory distractions that often lead to disrupted sleep.
How effective was this method for the subjects? Very. With over 200 people rocked to sleep by these heavy-chested German women, 86% reported falling asleep faster, and 91% said hearing the soft words of Wist du wie hiel sternlein stehen while sipping her warm honey milk made them more energetic in the morning. That's a big improvement. And the researchers say that those who took the active placebono German grandma, no bosom, no lullabybarely reported any change in their sleep habits. I actually tried this method myself and found it very effective.
Guten Abend. You're hearing Helga, an 81-year-old woman from Essenbach, Germany, and currently cradled in her arms atop an old wooden rocking chair as she sings me the classical lullaby, Guten Abend, Guten Akt. I can already feel my eyes getting heavy, all the worries of the world drifting away as I nuzzle deeper in her comforting bosom. Oh, I'm actually getting a little sleepy just hearing that. Absolutely. Helga was an extremely effective sleep aid. By the time she got to the part of the song about how little children will only wake up in the morning if God wants them to, I was out cold. Would love to find a way to sleep like that on the regular here in New York. Tell me about it. So clearly these mournful refrains of snow-capped mountains and wild Edelweiss fields can help with better sleep tonight, but what are some of the long-term benefits? Well, old German women rocking you to sleep can greatly reduce blood pressure, anxiety, and the risk of heart disease.
But you do want to be careful which grandma you go with. You can also find old Italian nanas out there who will help you sleep with big plates of pasta and shots of limoncello, but some experts say they can be habit-forming. Old Russian women are another option that can be very powerful, but I actually experienced an adverse reaction with one that left me more anxious and sleep-deprived than before. But you won't be shooting these out of your...
What do you want? I don't understand.
Husband! No husband yet! Why will you not give me grandchildren? Please! I am so lonely!
It wasn't a good match. But maybe for some people. I don't want to knock it if it works for you.
Still, you would recommend listeners who have trouble sleeping get their own elderly German woman? Absolutely. You can find these women at supermarkets or German bakeries, usually for a pretty low price. Or just go to your local bra house and ask for someone's oma. And of course, if you continue to struggle, you can ask your doctor to recommend one who is even older or has an even bigger bosom.
Thanks, Jenna. That's OPR's Jenna Resnick.
The Topical is brought to you by SimpliSafe. You don't have SimpliSafe. I know because I broke into your home today and checked. If you had SimpliSafe, you would have known that and I'd be in police custody right now. A two-time winner of CNET Editor's Choice Award, SimpliSafe has everything you need in a home security system. Outdoor cameras and doorbells alert you when I'm approaching your home. Entry motion and glass break sensors guard against me from snooping around inside and making myself a sandwich.
Oh, and by the way, you're out of toilet paper. That was going to be all for today, but then I suddenly started panicking thinking about you. Yes, you, going off on your day, unaware that there is more news out there. Here's what else you need to know today.
The US Navy is reporting that sailors are displaying all-time low levels of jauntiness. According to a Navy spokesperson, fewer naval officers are jovially breaking out into jauntiness sung than ever before in US maritime history, and there have been disturbingly few cases of rollicking in the past calendar year. The Navy is reportedly starting initiatives to up the overall jauntiness in 2020.
In consumer news, Bounty has unveiled a new line of ultra-thin paper towels for a more natural feeling when you're wiping up spills. A new ad campaign is touting how pure and raw it feels. Tired of all the paper in between you and the spill? Now you can clean up juice, jelly, mud, and everything in between. Bounty ultra-thin paper towels.
And in other news, I think I have a really great idea for an app, but I'd hate to get too deep into it and find out it already exists. Okay, so it's like Uber, but for people. Visit our website and let me know if you've heard of anything like that before. Well, the news never stops, but sometimes, unfortunately, a podcast has to. I gotta go figure out what the hell else is going on so I can do another one of these suckers for tomorrow. This has been The Topical, I'm Leslie Price, and this podcast is produced by a team of wonderful reporters, sound editors, and more, all of whom I have either had or am actively having secret romantic affairs with. Basically, I've cheated on all of them with each other, if that makes sense. Anyways, Uber, but for people. Let me know. |
TheOnion | Frustrated_Inner_City_Students_Running_Out_Of_Ideas_To_Motivate_Teachers | Like many young inner-city students, Chicago area high school sophomore Brandy Perkins struggles every day to motivate her teachers. The frustrated 16-year-old talked to Onion reporters this morning to discuss the challenges she faces in reaching out to her underperforming educators. Connecting with the teachers gets harder and harder every year. We all come in every morning eager to learn, but most of the teachers just seem completely uninterested in education. One of my teachers, Miss Manley, has been particularly hard to work with.
She was quiet at first, but she showed some potential. I thought maybe she just needed a little time to come out of her shell, but as the weeks went by she just sat there listlessly at her desk never talking or participating.
Perkins says she believes many of her teachers' poor performances can be traced to the numerous challenges they face outside the classroom. The saddest part is the system is really stacked against these teachers. Not only is the school expecting them to fail, but in a lot of cases their own families are too. It just makes you feel so helpless. For more on this story check this week's Onion review. |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_the_sausage_is_made_ | So I'll be right here, and I'll go adult diaper poop. Reveal. Okay, okay. I'm reading and this is fucking up. Adult diapers for babies. Like hide the thing, it's too funny. We'll probably throw away our pants because we'll probably ruin them and put on a new diaper.
We do this every day with this. Yes, every day. Yes, yes.
Hope this next guy doesn't have some silly idea about diapers. Specifically, I'm a sh**ter, I'm sorry. When Mark said no, I shit directly into my diaper. When Mark said no, boy was my diaper full of poop and pee. I pooped and peed in my diaper. fuck me, man. Did you get my balls like sliding out of the diaper?
Were you smiling when you said that? No, but some of them I broke. We might want to consider using some of the ones where I laughed right after the line.
I filled my diaper full of shit. I filled my diaper to the brim with shit.
Don't be crazy, I don't want to be happy. Doctor said it's the worst case he's ever seen. His terminal had to cut my d*** off.
You smiled. Just got to train the new guy, then I'm out of here. You all right? Your eyes hurt? Are we spitting them? Lube them up? One. Action. It's your first day, right? Yeah.
No, it's for a drug test. Drug test? How many drugs do you want me to do?
You gonna get that? Yeah. No one's had a workplace accident. Whoa. Take it easy now. Have a carrot.
I love Fridays. Without Fridays, I'd kill myself. We like Fridays. I love Fridays. Without Fridays, I'd kill myself.
Let's do it again. Action. Ow, that hurts so much. Action. It's my first day. No. Two, one, action.
Michael's in the background. It was very good. You made me laugh and I can't remember what I signed up for. Me too. His terminal.
Doctor said it was the worst case he's ever seen. Had to cut my dick off.
Oh, I got it. Manuel, fetch me a child.
No, not my child. If I spend time with him, he won't end up like me. Bye-bye, Lucius. I never loved you. I'm so proud of him. Don't tell him I said that.
Wait, I've got it. A global pandemic. Really? How long have I been in here?
Evil, evil, evil, evil. That's pretty good. Are you writing this down? Watch this, watch this. Henchmen are so dumb.
Manuel, can you go get my gun? Thanks, Manuel. Manuel, can you go get my bullets?
What is this? I wanted just lava. Tim, Tim, check the group chat. Yeah, I have an android. It's the color green. Get over it. It's working. Come on, think, think, think. Maybe I'm dehydrated. Great. I have to pee now.
Rob, Rob, come here. I got you a glass of lemonade. Come on, drink it. It's fresh. Hey, Rob. Rob, you know that lemonade you drank? It was poisoned.
Bezos, what's happening? Was wondering if you wanted a collab on an evil. You're busy. Oh no, no, no, no. That's fine. I got my own evil plans anyway. Like what?
Uh, Elon. I was wondering if I could borrow a rocket. No, no, no. Elon, don't hang up.
It would it help if I was racist? But which race?
Do my tummy. Hard to reach places. I just wanted to be the thunder. It's really hard for me to make that sound.
Technically recording Michael in the bathroom. So we can hear everything Michael's saying right now.
He's got no clue. I hate Frank so much.
Oh my God. Did you hear that? I just heard that normally.
I didn't even.
If I could kill Frank, I would, I would do it. No hesitation. I don't even need like a secret like microphone. I can just, he's like saying it so I can hear it. I'm sure he's not serious. No, like I'm a hundred percent serious. If I had one word to characterize, Frank, you'd probably be parked.
This isn't fun. This final Michael thing is not fun anymore.
It's fine. We're friends. We kind of like grassy. That's what friends do. I like pretend to be his friend, you know, but like, it's really just so he can, so he can make me look good in all the videos.
Oh God, Frank, you bit the worse. I bet if Frank's butt was miked up, he'd be farting right now.
Hey guys, thanks for watching. There's way more behind the scenes content on our Patreon. We would really appreciate your support. Link in the description. Oh, thanks for all the people who came from our shorts channel to our main channel. Sorry if this video is a little too long for what you're used to. They're at the end of the video. They, they, they made it. Ooh, it's about 25 seconds. Don't disparage our new subscribers. Get an attention span. All right.
Thank you guys for an incredible year this year. We more than doubled our current subscriber count, which was fantastic. So thank you to all the new people who subscribe. We're happy you enjoy our videos and we love reading all your comments.
Except for your comments, Kyler A. Don't, you gotta go, man. It doesn't break the terms of service, but you know you're writing a fine line.
And how did you put pictures in the comments? How did you do that?
That's a deep angle, man. Seriously though, thank you so much from the bottoms of our hearts. And the bottoms of our bottoms.
I just realized this is going out on Christmas, so we'll have a Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh, it's your present. That was not a Christmas gift. It was my Christmas wish. Christmas came early.
That's inappropriate. Yeah. We don't have that kind of stuff on this channel. Get it together. It is going to be funny. No, I just wanted it to be like from the... It's really hard for me to make that sound.
Technically recording Michael in the bathroom. So we can hear everything Michael's saying right now? You can always hear what he's saying.
He's got no clue. I hate Frank so much.
Oh my God. Did you hear that? I just heard that normally.
I didn't mean to. If I could kill Frank, I would do it. No hesitation. I don't even need like a secret microphone. I could just... He's like saying it so I can hear it. I'm sure he's not serious. No, yeah, like I'm 100% serious. If I had one word to characterize Frank, it'd probably be fart.
This isn't fun. This is fine on Michael thing. It's not fun anymore. It's fine.
We're friends. We kind of like razzing. That's what friends do. I like pretend to be his friend, you know, but like it's really just so he can... So he can make me look good in all the videos.
God, Frank, you bit the worse. I bet if Frank's butt was miked up, he'd be farting right now.
Hey guys, thanks for watching. If you enjoyed that, there's way more behind the scenes content on our Patreon. We would really appreciate your support. Link in the description. Oh, thanks for all the people who came from our Shorts channel to our main channel. Sorry if this video is a little too long for what you're used to. They're at the end of the video. They made it. Don't disparage our new subscribers. Get an attention span. All right.
Thank you guys for an incredible year this year. We more than doubled our current subscriber count, which was fantastic. So thank you to all the new people who subscribed. We're happy you enjoy our videos and we love reading all your comments.
Except for your comments, Kyler A. You gotta go, man. It doesn't break the terms of service, but you know you're writing a fine line. And how did you put pictures in the comments? How did you do that? That's a deep angle, man.
Seriously though, thank you so much from the bottoms of our hearts. And the bottoms of our bottoms.
I just realized this is going out on Christmas, so we'll have a Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. It's your present. That was not a Christmas gift. It was my Christmas wish. Christmas came early.
That's inappropriate. Yeah. We don't have that kind of stuff on this channel. Get it together. I just want to be funny. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_25_5_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Great listeners are great learners, right? Well, hear this.
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You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the weekly Batutah News Bulletin, brought to you by Australia's favourite chocky bickie, Tim Tam. Grab some Tim Tams for the chance to snag a golden Tim Tam pack and win one of three wishes worth $100,000. Here are the top stories from the Batutah Advocate, Australia's oldest and most respected newspaper.
Starting off in the states of Victoria and New South Wales have introduced drastic new measures to curb violence towards paramedics and emergency response staff. The premiers have announced that to combat the violence, every ambulance will be fitted with blokes wearing tap out shirts. Daniel Andrews and Gladys Berejiklian have said that they're recruiting tattooed blokes named Caleb and Kane, who are completing community service orders for things like drink driving and public nuisance. Whilst assaults on paramedics are comparatively much lower in the state of Queensland, Premier Palaszczuk has already announced plans to send members of the Broncos under-19s for ambulance ride-alongs in a similarly styled program.
And elsewhere around the nation, the much-loved Jim's franchise has announced a controversial new arm. The rapidly expanding company, which started with Jim's Mowing, has confirmed that they will be capitalizing on the growing narcotics trade by establishing a Jim's Bags franchise. Jim's Bags, named after the small resealable bags made famous by drug dealers around the world, will be open to franchisees within the month, the company told our reporters. For around $50,000, a prospective franchisee receives a secondhand Subaru, a stolen Glock 17 semi-automatic handgun, 20 grams of uncut Hong Kong quality cocaine, 35 mobile phones and territory control over their local area.
Internationally this week, and it's safe to say that the Royal Wedding was probably the story that scrapped most of the headlines. While many around the world were in awe of the emotive sermon from Reverend Curry, it was the coverage of the event by WWE veterans Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross that really blew many away. JR and The King were brought back together by Fox for an explosive session of commentary that saw the two refer to the Queen as the reigning champ. Although the pair were disappointed at the lack of human rubble and the fact that Thomas Markel Sr. didn't descend from the roof during the ceremony, they were applauded for managing to keep the shouting to a minimum. Greg Moss from the French Quarter texted the editor this week saying he was disappointed that the coverage didn't feature Meghan Markel breaking a chair over Prince Harry's head.
Back home in Batutinau and a Christian woman's hen's night went into overdrive last weekend after one of the bridesmaids bowled a spare. A group of young women were out celebrating the last days of 19-year-old Peter Washbrook's life out of wedlock and decided to head down to the bowlerama in the French Quarter to celebrate. After her engagement to a fellow churchgoer who dropped a knee just 44 days into their budding relationship, Peter wanted to go all out in celebration of her womanhood. And good friend Kim knew just how to turn things up. She bowled a spare which unbridled her pent-up ecstasy with a great shriek. Other bowlers were seen to wince as all the girls joined in the screaming celebrations.
In other parts of town, a young couple have told the Advocate that they actually regret purchasing their first home after only getting 100 likes between the two of them. Proudly showing off their humble new three-bedroom South Patuta home, Dennis and Amanda Munro thought they were in for a rainstorm of positive comments and a veritable fountain of likes. But the wellspring of well-wishers had run dry for the pair, with friends Stingy and their likes and others pointing out that Amanda's father, a local cardiologist, must have had a hand in them buying a house. Young Dennis said to our reporters, buying a house when you're only 26 should be applauded, but everyone either ignored it or said Mandy's dad paid for it.
Oh my God, he only gave us the deposit. He didn't actually pay for the whole thing.
And on the sporting front, the country is still wondering what the fuck Dylan Walker actually said to Curtis Scott. Manly star Walker was left with a fractured cheekbone after mouthing off at the young Melbourne centre. One Manly fan told our reporters that he reckons Walker must have said something real spicy to set Scott off because no one really throws him like that these days. NRL CEO Todd Greenberg said to us, I don't know, I'm still trying to find out myself, but Jesus, it must have been crook.
I guess we'll have to hope it comes out sometime soon. Anyway, that's it for the news wrap this week. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news.
Here's a podcast that can help you get on track and grow your business with some handy tips from the experts. The Business Growth Podcast, a series inspired by ANZ's work with the Australian Centre for Business Growth at the University of South Australia. Featuring some of the world's most successful entrepreneurs and business owners like James Tynan, CEO of Startmate, David Wirth, co-founder of Go Natural, Jodie Oster of Uber Eats and more. Download the Business Growth Podcast series today to start building a growth plan that's right for your business.
Real spicy to set Scott off because no one really throws him like that these days. NRL CEO Todd Greenberg said to us, I don't know, I'm still trying to find out myself, but Jesus, it must have been crook. I guess we'll have to hope it comes out sometime soon.
Anyway, that's it for the News Wrap this week. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news.
And make sure you grab a packet of Tim Tams to be in the running to find the Golden Tim Tam Pack and win three wishes worth $100,000. Follow the Tim Tam Facebook page for more clues to help uncover the location of a winning Golden Tim Tam Pack. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock.
Here's a podcast that can help you get on track and grow your business with some handy tips from the experts. The Business Growth Podcast, a series inspired by ANZ's work with the Australian Centre for Business Growth at the University of South Australia. Featuring some of the world's most successful entrepreneurs and business owners like James Tynan, CEO of Startmate, David Wirth, co-founder of Go Natural, Jodie Oster of Uber Eats, and more. Download the Business Growth Podcast series today to start building a growth plan that's right for your business. |
cracked | a_breakup_letter_to_upworthy | Please just listen for the first 30 seconds, and I promise you will be glued through the end We have to stop whatever this is between us and the reason why will absolutely shock you We started with something great you and I we You were new you were powerful you were commanding I found you on Facebook from the recommendation of my friends you went by so many different names then up worthy tickled.com Viral Nova whenever I even thought about clicking on a link or a video thumbnail that even vaguely looked like nudity there you were To tell me exactly what I could expect which side I would be on by the end and And exactly how it would influence my faith in humanity. I Liked it After all thinking about things his hard work But you were there With a smile and a wink you slid me the cliff notes to life with every single video of dogs being reunited with soldiers or Children hitting adult penises with wiffle bats you will feel this way you instructed Your jaw will drop at this point you coached you Were like a lover and a parent The very best combination now if you can get through this next part without shedding a tear Then you are made of stone You betrayed me you played it fast and loose with the superlatives you made a bunch of promises you couldn't keep and worst of all I Don't think you cared if I noticed in fact. I think you wanted to get caught You presented to me a man who was going on dates while he was married and assured me that the story would leave me speechless Well here I said Speechful because the truth I found out was that this man went on a date with his wife not I don't mean to belittle your own emotions link bait, but That is the dumbest fucking story. I've ever heard that is not news that barely qualifies as human decency Also, and I'm sorry if this sounds crass, but you never blow my mind anymore In fact, I would be hard-pressed to remember a time when you blew my mind at all You once introduced me to a man who was going to try to hug a lion and you promised me That that was going to blow my mind Well, do you remember what happened next because I do he hugged the lion That's it he was successful That is exactly the opposite of my mind being blown The truth was that he and the lion were already friends, but you neglected to tell me that information you withheld it because because I Don't know you want to hurt me Don't you see what you're doing with all these hollow promises and these screams for attention? You're ruining language. What are you gonna say when you find something that actually matters? And yes to be fair to you I occasionally use hyperbole The difference is is that when I promise something is shocking I reveal that the candy lobby moved daylight savings time to sell more candy or that the pine cones in Australia Kill more people than spiders, but you you you reveal that the house that's so crazy That it will change the way that I think about the world and make me want to crawl into a bathtub with a toaster Got that title because it's purple Because it's whole inside is purple with purple furniture Because you can't be trusted Now I guarantee that this next part won't surprise you at all I'm leaving you and in the future I'll be more careful about clicking on one of your links than I would be about handling raw chicken Because that's how much I hate you and everything that you stand for God in the truth it is that there are in the world some surprising amazing Slackjaw inducing miracles But you you will never see a single one of them riveted as you are to your stupid fucking purple houses Fuck you link bait Don't contact me on Facebook XL XL Hey there, what's that? Oh this just an old relic from my childhood You know the old days. Hey, listen, if you subscribe you and I can have a catch together go deep You know, let's just do a handoff Good times Tack me on Facebook XL XL Hey there, what's that? Oh this just an old relic from my childhood You know the old days hey listen if you subscribe you and I can have a catch together go deep You know, let's just do a handoff good times |
TheOnion | Crime_Reporter_Man_Had_Sex_With_Wife_Thousands_Of_Times_Before_Killing_Her | John and Mary Elgis seemed like a match made in heaven, but appearances can be deceiving. The tall, handsome husband to whom Mary swore, till death do us part, would murder her, but not before having sex with her body more than a thousand times over ten years. Officials said it was a crime of passion related to the Elgis' recent financial woes. We believe that he has become despondent recently over the financial situation of his household and that this murder is a direct result of that. But the police and the headlines only tell part of the story. John Elgis' crime had begun years ago. He used Mary's body for sex one to three times a week starting on their very wedding night in 1998. John Elgis was so ego mad he would frequently parade his sex prisoner out in public, taking her to the movies, restaurants, and church, taunting her with whiffs of freedom. Shockingly, police and the Elgis' neighbors missed all the signs of the decade-long sex murder.
They were just a nice, normal couple.
And did you ever hear noises coming from the house? Well, sometimes I heard the radio. To cover up the screaming.
Inside this normal-looking house was John Elgis' sex kingdom. In the kitchen, where he would eventually murder her, John would have Mary prepare him sumptuous meals. He would force the captive Mary to listen to his rambling anecdotes about his job. Sometimes John would flex his power over her, demanding she tell him about her day as well. Sometimes they would watch TV. Then John would drag Mary upstairs and into his sex dungeon to defile her. Haunting music, strange plants, candles, and books were the weapons in John's arsenal of perversion.
But this grotesque tale gets even sicker. John Elgis sired offspring by his captive sex slave. The child was stored in a room in John Elgis' home, steps from daddy's bedroom sex vault. Mary Elgis died in her kitchen, one merciful blow to the head, ending her long sexual torture. Most likely, she died mid-coitus as John raped her. Police say John was giving first aid to Mary when they arrived, undoubtedly regretting that he had just destroyed his favorite sex toy. John Elgis is gone now, serving six years for involuntary manslaughter. But this community is still reeling following the discovery of this coital boogeyman. A stark reminder that twisted sex dungeons can exist anywhere.
For Raw Justice, I'm Dean Reed. |
Wizards_with_Guns | undercover_boss_completely_ruins_his_episode_ | Previously, on Secret CEO, when we left off, Coffee Chain's CEO Michael Stafford went undercover as a new hire to witness the day-to-day performance of his employees, and they did not hesitate to put Michael to work. I mean, yeah, first we're going to start off with wiping some tables. It's pretty easy. You just wipe back and forth, making sure there isn't any residue or... Yeah, I'm not going to do that.
I'm the boss. I'm the boss of this whole company. What? Watch. I'm the boss. I can do that.
But don't tell anyone. Don't tell anybody.
I just did that. So I'm not going to do this. This isn't my job. I'm serious.
I own everything here. It's all mine. You're my... I own you.
So what I like to do is let them air dry, and then I use the spray. So what you can do... Yeah, I'm not going to do shit. I'm the CEO of the company.
Michael Stafford's. Here I Googled it. Look.
That's me. This is me. This mustache, it's made up.
I'm not going to do any of this. I went to Dartmouth. I'm not going to wash... Cup? Yeah, I'm not going to clean that. I'm not going to wash that.
Now that Mike's rolled up his sleeves and gotten his hands dirty, he's got a little announcement to make to his fellow employees. It's time for The Big Reveal. Hi everyone. Oh, wow. Are you Michael Stafford's, the CEO?
What? Who told you? Who told him? You're fired. What? Why?
I'm undercover. I'm the undercover boss.
You ruined it. Get out. Ah! Leave your shoes. I'll call the cops. Daquan, when I told you how I single-handedly built this company from when my dad gave it to me, you shared with me how your dog died the same week your mother passed away from cancer. And yet you came to work every single day. And as I sat there and listened to your story for 30 or so minutes, I couldn't help but think, wow. I am so bored. Not only did you waste my time, you wasted the company's time as well. You're fired. Go. Get out. Ruth, your work ethic inspired me.
And you mentioned you only needed $10,000 to pay off your student loans. Well, I have $10,000. I actually have way more than that. I'm super rich.
It's awesome. Anyway, I just bought a robot to do your job. You're fired.
Bye-bye. Tabitha. Girl.
You've been working here a long time. When were you hired? Um, I think in January of-- And when were you fired?
I don't-- Today. Today? Today. You were fired today.
Get the hell out. I got a lot out of this experience. I got this cool wig and this neat mustache, plus a lot of money from doing this show. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very busy schedule, I have to go cheat on my wife.
Here, I Googled it. That's me. This is me.
Instead of pizza. It's the Wikipedia page for pizza, yeah.
Daquan. Tabitha. Girl. Alright, we got it, we got it. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_the_100th_digital_short_snl | Hey, we're the guys who make the Snl digital shorts. I'm Andy. I'm Yorma, and I'm Justin Bieber, Akiva, Gesundte.
Tonight we are celebrating our 100th short, so come with us, won't you? Congratulations, to us, to us, Truly a major milestone celebration. Yes, of us, of us. So here's what we're going to do. gonna shake off the cobwebs and limber up, and stretch it out, and do cleanse your pilates, Cause tonight, tonight we're gonna suck our own. ****** Weight.
What? What? disgusting. What's not?
Hey, look, it's Shirotty and Reeba. it's a celebration, and we're going to 40. No, we're getting naughty. Take it Shirotty. I'm a dude. Roddy, bitch, and I'll grip your a**hole cream. we've done the cream and punched people before eating. we've done things in our pants that don't bear repeating. Tonight, they're gonna suck. Fear. Reeba. excuse me. What is happening? So shoot your little girls and let your poor minds pile. raise a bottle of scissors. throw it on the ground. alcohol is poison, man. Take it, Macmood. Bonnie Fusion Lady. hit Anderson. just ask Natalie.
Yeah, I had a baby, but I'm still crazy. show my A** with respect, cause I make that ****** Crazy. Show my kiss to Dad.
If that guy was golden, riding on a boat with my man, Michael Moulton. Jack Sparrow. Jepshoe.
Hey, come on, man. this is our thing. Three Beth subs, Count them, bitch. get out of here. Final, Go by my own choice. take us home now. One hundred digital shorts. it was our biggest big building today. and all the memories, So tonight we're sucking our own. ****.
One hundred times. One **** Hundred times. |
cracked | why_the_ghostbusters_are_secretly_the_bad_guys | You know what's really scary? Totally. Civil unrest, world economic crisis, global warming, that Superman reboot by Zack Snyder kind of looks good. Ghostbusters! No. The movie with the silly ghosts and the jokes all over it? No, man, I'm talking about the real Ghostbusters, the animated series. Why is that scary to you? The Ghostbusters are Satan.
They find every ghost and trap them forever in hell regardless of their offense. They just lasso them and toss them in the containment unit, just like in the Bible. Yeah, Venkman 316. Exactly. You're reaching, because the ghosts in that show are like demon pests, like rats from the afterlife. Okay, some of them, undoubtedly, are evil, but from what we find out, most of the ghosts are just the souls of, like, regular people.
What if they just wanted to see the end of Breaking Bad? Dude, if they're going to heaven, it'll be on, and somehow even better. And that's all beside the point, because they broke the rules. Says who? Okay, there is no book of laws from on high determining exactly what happens in the afterlife. No such text exists.
You know the episode partners in Slime Part 1? Vividly. I do, because I love puns.
In it, they send Slimer, who's essentially an indentured servant, down into the containment unit in order to bring back one of their ghost prison hosts, because apparently the Ghostbusters also decide how long your eternal judgment lasts. And the containment unit? It's just awful. It's a wasteland. There are monsters everywhere. It's like Guantanamo Bay on acid. That's the price you pay when you haunt an American.
But it's the same price. Every time.
I mean, there's no sliding scale of justice to the Ghostbusters. No due process. No trial.
Did you try to destroy the Earth? Containment unit. Did you bother the lieutenants in your apartment building by rattling the pipes? Containment unit. Did you jaywalk? Containment unit, yes.
I mean, why do these guys get to dole out the judgment? Because we hired them to do that. Because they're the top scientists in their extremely obscure field. Because they are Bill fucking Murray. Yeah, but they use that education to become glorified exterminators.
And Egon doesn't study ghosts. He doesn't try and help ghosts slide on into the afterlife.
They just create these nuclear lassos that will destroy the world if they touch for too long. And then sentence souls to eternal monster rape all for a couple hundred bucks. Look, man, I'd rather sleep safe and sound in my bed at night than let some crazy ghost in my house to steal my snacks. So if I have to hire the Ghostbusters, fucking hired, weird, I'll call them. Fine, bury your head in the sand for snacks. But don't let me remind you that the rest of the spirit world's still watching. Yeah, let them watch. Because if they get out of line, we'll put them in the containment unit like Americans do. Okay, that's great. I'm sure you want to ecto board them next. Yes, I would like to, because if it tells us the location of their secret ghost lair, it's fucking worth it. You bet your ass I would do that.
Just don't get it. It's inside you. The ghost is in you.
Alright, listen up, you little fucking pieces of shit. Oh, it's me, sweet little Katie Stoll. Fuck you. Fuck you very much. You know what you can do for me? You can fucking subscribe. Thanks. |
dropout | total_forgiveness_grant_and_ally_s_fight_to_the_debt | The total that I owe $95,441. You know, I'm going to pay this off maybe before I die. I owe about 60 grand. My credit is so bad I can't even get a credit card. I don't have a credit card.
I don't know how people do it. So we have an idea. This is like a stunt show in which we pay off your student loans. Yes. I feel like you just amped the company. It's the first time in my life when I'll have a chunk of money. I've been barely paying interest since I graduated. I guess I'm not that worried at the moment because I don't think Allie's going to go that crazy. I get someone to hunt grand. You have to commit a crime and go to jail. You have to make a test tube baby with someone that I pick.
I make Allie like cut off her finger. Here's the ceiling, cutting off the pinkies right above it. What's your biggest fear?
Peace!
We're going to give Allie a Koopaloopa makeover. You have to sell everything you own. You have to get drunk every morning for a week. Okay, let's just cut. Jared's going to have to wear a shot collar.
Oh!
Stop it! Allie's green hair. Pretty crazy. Bed bugs. More like board bugs. Quit jumping on my skin.
If one of us dies, does the other one just get all the remaining money? Oh wow! I think I have to start going harder than I have. This is either a hero boy or like a brilliant idea and I guess I'm like eager to see which it is. Has this show affected your friendship with Allie? He's like genuinely questioning whether your friendship can keep going. He was, yeah, actually, actually mad. My god! That's great. Great. |
SaturdayNightLive | cheney_on_tv_open_saturday_night_live | So, Mr. Chaney, this is your first time on Meet the Press with David Gregory. it is. great. Now, how do you like your makeup? enough color so I don't look like a corpse, but not so much that it looks like I have feelings. Okay. so, can I get you to close your eyes for me? heh, heh, heh. Hey, makeup lady, give me that brush. So, are you excited about doing the show?
Hello, Mr. President. Aw, damn, Dick. you are impossible to surprise. What's your secret? Well, Mr. President, for one, you whisper too loud. Yeah, it's always been a problem of mine. that is one of the many reasons that I am no friend to libraries. So, what are you doing here, Mr. President?
Well, Dick, I've been contacted by members of the Gop who've asked me to speak to you about your newfound love of the media spotlight. I, uh, have been making some television appearances. some? you're on Tv more than that shamwow guy. Well, I understand this visibility is a bit of a change for me.
Yeah, no dud of the max, Dick.
I mean, I spent eight years with my face out there saying things I barely understood. Well, you are nowhere to be found. I was busy. Yeah, bravo on what you were busy with, by the way. people seem to be really shocked about it.
If you're referring to our interrogation policies, Mr. President, I have no regrets. Yeah, well, here is my regret that I didn't have me a vice President like Joe Biden.
I mean, look at those two, going out for burgers. laughing it up.
I need that kind of Vp, the kind that did dumb stuff to make me look smarter. instead, I got the one guy that scares me more than my Dad. we, uh, we had a different chemistry, sir. yeah, the chemistry of acid in the face. Dick, it's over. we need to move on. we have a legacy to protect. What would you have me do, Mr. President? just stick to our plan. let's let history be the judge, Okay? it's an awesome plan, because history takes forever. there are things I think the American people need to know, sir, but I don't want you to tell them those things, Okay? Just like you probably wouldn't want me to tell people certain things, like the time you were dead for three days. No, no, no. Now, sir, nothing. you were straight-up dead, Okay? We were going to bury you, but Colin Powell said, let's give it one more day. I mean, Colin's the reason you're here, so I don't like it when you run him down. Well, I would hate for the story about my unfortunate death. the word is death. to go public. Okay, then we're in agreement, Okay? you cool it with the World tour, and I'll keep my mouth shut. by the way, they still only know about the one-face shooting.
Mr. President, uh. I'm not scared of you anymore, Dick, Okay? I've been watching a ton of Dr. Phil. very well, sir. And, hey, I'm sorry to be a red-ass about it. I understand. if you're wanting to bide it up and get a burger with me, I'm game. Yes, sir. All right, I'll see you later, Dick. And, Mr. President, one last thing. yeah? live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_255_Jason_Phu | A bit of a more relaxed one this week. We've had some big hitters of late. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, and of course, Errol Parker, editor-at-large of the newspaper. We're in the bigger booth this week. If you can hear a bit of echo, a bit of echo, or maybe even the quality's improved. This is usually the one where we have videos, but we've double booked ourselves and we're recording in here.
Just audio only.
We'll put some photos up so you can see what today's guests look like. Today's guest, we were very excited to have him on.
He's a big deal. It's so refreshing to finally have a conservative on here. It's good. A conservative, wait up, I'll just get this beer for you, conservative Thatcherite Reaganist visual artist. Thank you for joining us. Jason Foo. Thanks for having me, guys. Now we have misrepresented you with that introduction, but what we didn't misrepresent is that you're a big deal. That is the truth. Can you please- Love a big deal. Well, yeah.
Explain to us- 40% off. 40% off what?
That's a big deal. Ah, okay. He's getting cheeky. Fuck, you got that one through your Disney map. He's getting cute.
No, no. Straight through the gate, off stump.
He's a big deal in the art world. You're an artist, a visual artist. What would your job title be? I don't know why, but practicing artists. It's just something that was in one of my CVs when I was younger, and it just sounds more professional from a 22-year-old perspective, but it doesn't make any sense.
Just artists. You can call me an artist. And then it just sounds more professional from a 22-year-old perspective, but it doesn't make any sense. Just artists. You can call me an artist. Not a professional artist? You can call me a professional artist.
It sounds very, um, who's the guy who did all the splatters of the carpet ad? Oh. Jackson Pollock. No. Bloody, um.
Pro Heart.
Oh, yeah. It sounds like what Pro Heart would call themselves. Yeah. Professional artists. When it first became a profession, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, right. I never thought about that, actually. In Australia, it would have at one point become a professional artist. Yeah.
It was always in Australia. It was always get the job that your dad has, if not law, medicine, or Duntroon.
And then I guess around that era, people were allowed to be freak shows and paint for a living. Tell me, was it like that for you, deciding that you wanted to paint?
What was the initial response from your both parents and your peers? Well, I went to a selective school. I don't know if you can tell from my voice, but I guess the post will have my picture, but I'm Chinese, Vietnamese, I'm Asian.
Uh, okay. It plays a part in what I'm about to say. Okay. Cool.
But there is that cliche of your Asian parents not wanting you to become an artist. My parents certainly didn't want me to become an artist. I actually didn't want to become an artist until my art teacher convinced me and my parents that I should do it. High school art teacher?
Yeah. High school art teacher. Shout out to Mr. Morris, who I think- Oh, captain my captain. Yeah. Um, really lovely art teacher convinced me I should become an artist and my school, Sydney Boys High, you know, all my peers were doctors, lawyers, engineers now sort of thing. Hyper academic. Yeah. Eastern suburbs, private school type stuff. Yeah.
Same school as Skymo.
Yeah.
He actually caused quite a division one year in our old boys union, you know, but that's another story.
Anyway, um, my art teacher said, oh, you should become an artist, but I'd watched. This is something that's a pretty common thread, my sort of stupidity, I guess, or my single mindless. I'd watched, um, I forgot what the movie's called.
I think they fall in love or something, but anyway, I, yeah, you look, you look it up. You're in this pivotal moment in your life.
But then he's like a loser in his parents' attic who does heroin or something. And then when I was a kid, I was like, oh, I don't want to be a loser heroin attic, attic living person, you know, but my art teacher was like, Hey, that's a movie.
Um, a perfect murder. A perfect murder.
Yeah. Yep. Uh, I don't think it was a very good film, but, um, yeah, 0.6 out of 10 on IMDB. That's pretty high actually. Yeah.
You should do it and work hard. And also I actually failed to get the mark to do engineering by two points actually. So that was, you were going down the cliche path that you were just talking about.
Is that what your parents wanted? Um, my parents were actually pretty good about it. I think they said, no, you shouldn't do that. But I think after my art teacher talked to them, my mum was actually pre sort of cultural revolution when she was in China, was in the theater. My grandparents on my mum's side were well in the theater. So she was a bit more sympathetic, but still, you know, cliche sort of Asian parent not wanting me to do it for very good reason.
Immigrant ambition. Why would you want to muck around with, yeah, but I mean, like gray, gray market, that's what it is. Cause when it's on, it's on. When it's not, it's not. Yeah. And I still think that, you know, if I had kids, I don't, I don't know if I would, um, tell them to do, I'll encourage them actually to do art. Cause it's pretty, pretty difficult sort of to get by, but I'm doing pretty well right now. Well, that's what I want to talk about.
When was the moment? When were you like, okay, now it is time to go all in on this.
Cause you worked at a whole range of different jobs over the years. You've had an office. Have you had an office job?
I know you've been in hospitality, you've been a bar back, a glassy. I can't see you being a corporate drone. I can see you working in hospitality, but certainly not.
Did hospi- Oh, I did six months putting things in envelopes. I don't know. Temp. Yeah. I was at a desk, I guess. You know, that was my only desk job. Temp work. Yeah. What were you putting in envelopes? I don't remember.
All I remember was everyone else who was there longer than me when I came in all had really strategic band-aids, which I thought looked stupid. But then after half a day, I was like, that is not stupid.
Paper cut. Yeah. So these people are like professional envelope stuffers. Yeah. Immediately went out that I've earned, just got a big pack of band-aids and then put them on. Yeah. Fuck.
So when did you decide I don't need to wear band-aids on my fingers anymore? I don't need to binge drink with my Irish friends that I've made working in this pub. When did you think it's time to wear band-aids on my painting fingers and binge drink with these freaks I've met at art gallery openings?
It was probably only three years ago, four years ago. Right. I stopped Hospo.
I've always worked Hospo mainly. I've had odd jobs here and there, but I've always enjoyed it, you know.
So yeah. Yeah. The showies, the showies. Yeah.
But I do want to know when the, the reason we've got you on right now is because announced several days ago was the Archibald Prize finalists. You're one of them, but you're also a nominee for the Sulman and the win. That's a big deal. Triple threat this year. It's not the first time, right? You've actually won one of those prizes. So first of all, I want to ask, what are the differences between the three prizes? Most people listening would understand that the Archibald is Australia's portrait prize than the win and the Sulman. I'd like you to kind of explain those two.
Yeah. Archibald's a portrait and it's preferably of someone that's famous in the arts or literature or letters or whatever, but it's preferably, and then it's also not just Australian artists. It's Australasia. So I think there's been a couple of New Zealand entrants and there's been... And the subjects. Taika Waititi was a subject a couple of years ago. So you are allowed to be a Kiwi subject or artist. Yeah.
So that's a portrait in painting, whatever kind of painting you do. And then you've got the Sulman, which is a genre painting or a painting from life or something else. I've got what it was called, but it's basically you can paint anything. A genre can be drawn from life. It's a good painting award.
Yeah. Novels or a scene from life or from literature or history or whatever. So yeah. I'm probably talking like those battle photos or bushfires. Yeah, but if you look through the history of it, people have basically painted anything and sort of gone. The wind is a landscape of this Australian landscape. It can be a cityscape, but also you can enter a figurative sculpture as well. Okay. Yeah, true.
So like all those artists who are on there like Heidelberg school shit and they're like they're doing that stuff. There's some nice sculptures they're getting. So there's a prize for everyone really. I mean like it doesn't really matter what your medium is. You can enter one of these three prizes unless you're a cheater and use a camera.
Or AI. We'll talk about that later. Yeah.
So these three awards are announced on the same night in the same show, the art gallery in New South Wales.
You at 27 years of age won the Sulman prize. No, I think I was 25. Whoa, okay. Yeah, 25. 25 years of age, you're working as a kitchen hand at the Peter Shum RSL.
Yes, I was a kitchen hand and hadn't moved to the, I'd moved to, moved to the bar a couple of years later. But you know, it sounds like a lawyer thing. That is one of the fine RSLs of... It's probably what my parents would have loved in a different way, me to pass the bar, but I moved to the bar from the kitchen. Okay. You passed to the bar.
And what I always found interesting is that you turned up to work the next day despite having a pocket full of cash, the kind of cash that a 25 year old kitchen hand is not familiar with. I think most people would turn up to work the next day. I mean, like it isn't like Oz Lotto.
It is though, at that age. At 25.
Do you think about our first book advance we ever got? I was, I was saving for a house deposit and I didn't even touch the fucking signs. Well, it lasted me two years. Yeah. The first thing is I actually didn't have a pocket full of cash.
And dad had a little freak out cause I gave him the envelope they gave me. He was there at the night and he called me an hour later and said, there's nothing in the envelope.
It was just like a photo op. They gave me that. They didn't want to give you the check, you know, while you're getting drunk or whatever. And the second... You won the prize. We're going to pretend there's a check in here. Tens of thousands of dollars for those listening. And then they ask you for your bank deets. Yeah.
Also, I'd never earned enough to pay tax up until then. And then two years later did my tax returns and my accountant was like, oh, so you have to pay this much tax. And I was like, I don't understand what you mean. And I was fucked, you know, cause I didn't realise you're taxed on...
The art gallery in New South Wales aren't going to do you a solid and give it to you in cash.
That'd be great. So just... They do tax you on art prizes too, which is, which is funny. Yeah.
That's been a contentious issue in the art world, you know, that there's always a comparison. I don't like this competition between the sports world and art world, but there is a comparison of, you know, sports people don't get taxed.
I reckon you should get your first art prize is like tax free, but if you're like one of those, you know, home owning artists, then you were already light years ahead of everyone else. So you can go fuck yourself. You have to pay tax like the rest of us.
So was that the moment you went all in? No, I sort of, I was 25.
I think if I'd won the prize now, I'd go straight to a useless deposit on a home because right now no one can afford homes anyway. Doesn't touch the sides, but I would just put it aside, but that lasted for two years.
I lived, I would base myself in China and Chongqing, which is in the Southern provinces of China, but sort of right in the middle. If you look at the map and city of 34 million people, it's quite a few, quite a lot of people that lived in. It's one of those regions that's famous for the Sichuan food or the spicy food that we had.
Oh yeah. But yeah, that lasted two years. I was living in an apartment for like $15 a week there, traveled around Asia and did work and yeah. See how it lasted.
Red wasn't, red wasn't stinging yet.
And then, so what are you doing then as a practicing, would you view that as a residency or a sabbatical? Like, what are you doing? I did start off. Are you in a gallery back in Australia or are you? Yeah, I started off doing a residency there in Chongqing and then sort of just hung around for two years. Came back to Sydney, was doing shows, but yeah, like I said, I've sort of just been doing shows and not making much money until about three or four years ago and then stopped working hospital and then just was like, yeah, this started to make enough money to yeah, make a living and was like, ah, great and sort of just flowed into it.
There was no sort of light bulb moment, you know.
Does the, does the institutional recognition of your work, say winning the Silver Moon at 25 years of age, does that legitimize you? Do you think to gallerists and buyers? Because at the end of the day, you are making these paintings, you know, that are being institutionally recognized with art prizes and being finalists and shit. But at the end of the day, you've got to be, everyone at some, in some capacity has to be a commercial artist. Do the two go hand in hand? Yeah, definitely there is the, you don't have to win the Archibald Solman or win, certainly does help, but to sort of get some recognition, especially even if the painting just gets in, it sells easier.
But yeah, that is just part and parcel. I think it's a, it's actually a bit of a problem in the art world. There's not much talk about the professionalization of it.
You know, this sort of, I guess this is post hippie pre GFC mentality where people are selling their whole shows before they left the studio doors. And then, you know, you didn't have to think about money, you know, and obviously house prices are low, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, now, now warehouse lofts. Yeah, yeah. Now you've got to, I hate the word, but this is like hustle, I guess, you know.
My friend Abdul Abdullah, who I believe you guys have had on, says last year, our paintings are like a jewelry for houses. That's great. And I'm happy to, you know, that's not pretending it doesn't exist. It's a really good way of looking at it because it actually alleviates the artists of any responsibility as to who has it in their house. You know what I mean? Like it's jewelry, jewelry is jewelry. We can all admire any multi-billionaire fossil fuels person's jewelry. We can admire their paintings. And I don't think the artist should have to worry that, you know, because of commercial art, it's not just museums that your art is in. It's, you know.
Even the other stuff that was frowned upon, now those artists who frowned upon it do, which is like, you know, you're doing ads or, you know, sponsorships or whatever. Now, you know, all those artists who, that older generation who sort of tut tutted on it, are now sort of picking that up and it's very normal.
It's just, if you don't have money, you're going to make money somehow. It's kind of like Ken Doane. Yeah, I'm sure you're going to.
He was a trailblazer. Yeah, I think he was, you know, actually a really great artist that was sort of looked down upon because he went, you know, did all those ads, commercial stuff. But to be honest, he was just as good a painter as anyone in these generations. He was Australian Father of the Year in 1982 as well.
There we go. Yeah.
I think it was New South Wales Father of the Year, but still a big gong. New South Wales Father of the Year, probably better than Australian Father of the Year. It's our most populous state. Certainly would be better than the Brisbane Father of the Year.
Well, it's a little better. Now, tell me. Wally Lewis wins again. The guy that wins a premiership with his kid on his shoulders. For the 18th year running. Come on, Wally. Oh, he's not here. Yeah, that is an interesting point you make about Ken Doane.
He was on top of the commercial stuff. Well before we saw artists on Instagram being like, I love Derwent pencils and, you know, Carhartt, they give me the best jumpsuits to paint in, if I even said that, Brian, probably. But he was on top of commercialising his art. He had aprons, he was selling merch, he was selling all kinds of shit. He was big in Japan.
Yeah, but like, his paintings are good to look at. Yeah. Like, they're very colourful and, you know. I know, but that's the thing. There's plenty of edgy underworld artists who have very pleasant paintings to look at, or unpleasant, and sometimes that's the goal.
But they just wouldn't put themselves where Ken Doane put himself, which is on the front of magazines. No.
Yeah, and I think a lot of that came from, and still does come from people who, you know, the art world is, naturally attracts people of a richer background. To survive in the art world, you've got to see through those drought years. So, the only way really you can do that is from, what's the Batutta Post, No Way Zoo, Daddy's, Amex, or whatever.
The Bank of Mum and Dad. Bank of Mum and Dad, yeah, you know. They don't pass on the interest rates. They don't pass on the interest rates, no. I'm from a middle-class background as well, and I've seen through a lot of, you know, my, in quotation marks, poor years just staying at Mum and Dad's, which not a lot of people have the sort of luxury of, but it just makes things easier, you know.
And once upon a time, you'd have the patrons as well. You'd have some old widow in Bellevue Hill that'd say, you know what, this is going to be what I do. I'm going to support you.
There's a couple of artists I know who have a, sort of a literal, unlimited, you know, black Amex or whatever. Really? Yeah. Someone who loves their work. Yeah, just sort of floating around buying whatever, you know. That is the dream.
I mean, I'm sure it happens in a lot of industries. It happens in sport. Like, it does happen in sport. People will get...
They wouldn't have that Nando's card though.
Nah, yeah. I think it's actually a new, it's like a new fetish now. It's the, what do they call it? Oh yeah.
Sugar Daddy, Sugar Money.
Yeah, but there's a term for it. It's called like money BDSM or something where you're like, you just pay for people's rent and stuff and you don't expect anything in return. And that's sort of the punishment you get, you know. Well, that sounds like having a kid.
Yeah. Hey, if anyone wants to punish me, you know, I'd love to. Oh no, the other way around. Whatever. However way it's going to get to me. Would you like me to punish you by spending your money on pants? Let me know. And rent? Yeah. I'll do it.
Tell us about the first time you were nominated for the Archibald. That is the award, obviously.
And again, no one likes comparing art with sport, but I can't get past the term they say. Describing the Archibald as the face that stops the nation.
I thought that was really good when I first heard it. Actually, going back to your question about what it means. It's like the Archibald has gotten me in a lot of doors, you know. Like sometimes you're like, hey, I had this show in this amazing place. I got this amazing award. And then people are like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're like, oh, so I was a finalist in Archibald.
They're like, oh, what? Really? You must be a genius. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. So when you meet like a random punter and they say, what do you do for a living? You say you're an artist. And they go, jeez, does that pay? And then you go, yeah, I've been in the Archibald. They're like, oh, damn. Yeah.
And also. It legitimizes you in their minds. I work in a lot of different fields as well in my artwork. So it just helps open doors, which is great.
But the first year was, I was represented by Ray Hughes and Evan Hughes. So Ray Hughes, RIP, you know. And Evan Hughes ran for Wentworth against Malcolm Turnbull under the slogan, make Piper great again.
Yeah, eight point swing against Malcolm Turnbull in his own seat, you know. Really? I don't think that touched the sides, but like eight points, big swing.
Yeah, when he was promised. But I painted Ray Hughes and then Evan was in a picture. Oh, so you painted a new gallerist. Yeah. And Evan's new son was in the picture as well. Yeah, it was actually three generations of.
Yeah, it was a nice painting to do that. I sort of, I generally gift the paintings to my sitters. It's just a sort of thing. Nice thing, I think, to do. But yeah, I found out, I think, yeah, when I found out, I was quite stoked.
Yeah, that's how old were you then? Was that a couple of years after? No, it was the year before. So 2004, I think I was 24. Right, oh right. 2014, I think, yeah.
So you had a bit of a run up to the Suleman win. Yeah, that was 2015, which was a shock because it was, yeah, didn't expect to win. Got the call at like 11 or something.
And so traditionally, yeah, so no, no, in the morning, because they judge it. They judge everything in the morning and then they tell everyone.
But the day before is the artist's lunch. Right. So all the artists get together with the volunteer guys or the sitters. So after they've announced the finalists. Yeah, the week after. Yeah, a week after they announce the finalists, they have a lunch. Yeah. And then they announce the winner the next day. Yeah, and so at the lunch, we all get together and we get really pissed. And so...
And no one touches it. We're all equals as well, you know, at that point, which is really nice, because no one's won yet. And then so I didn't think I'd win or anything.
And then got the call at 11 and didn't understand why the director of Darko in New South Wales is calling me. So my painting had fallen down.
Yeah, right. Or something bad, you know. And then he was like, oh, you've won. You got to get here in an hour. So I remember I got to... We hung over? Yeah.
And I went to call up Evan Hughes. He's like, come over to the gallery immediately. And I was like, do we have time? He's like, yeah, come over, come over. And I was like, OK. So I went to the gallery. He poured me a whiskey that was up to the top of the glass. And I was like, oh, I don't think I really want that. He's like, no, I'll do you good. And then he poured it and sat there for a second and then looked at me and tapped his sort of watch and was like, I think we better get going. And I was like, oh, OK. And he's like, well, are you going to finish that? It was like literally a second. I was like, OK, so I sculled this glass of whiskey.
What? Have a midi of Johnny Walker Black with me. Yeah, it's not like in the movies where you have it and you're ready for the day.
I just felt sick the whole day. It just fucked you up.
Yeah. I suppose it probably stopped you from saying the wrong thing. It probably put a bit of a... Slowed your pace a bit.
I'd like to thank the trustees and God. Thank you.
Yeah, I think a really good hangover cure is just water. Yeah, yeah, sometimes the hydration is the cause.
Did you did you have microphones shoved in your face? What was going on? No, I don't remember being that hectic, actually. Yeah, right. There was an announcement, which is obviously you're on stage and there's a media there. But then, yeah, I don't I think that generally, obviously, the archibald get the winner gets a lot of attention, sort of stood around for a couple of interviews and mostly microphone interviews as well.
And what was your painting of that year with the Suman? Oh, it was the three severed Buddha heads.
That's right. Yeah. It was quite a fun painting. Yeah, it was on Chinese painting. So it's like ink on rice paper. Yeah.
And have you found with the Chinese, you know, just your own cultural influences on your own work? As you said before, the Cultural Revolution, your mother was involved in the theatre. You have a large extended family, Chinese, Vietnamese, you've learned a lot of things and that comes through in your art. I see a lot of characters. Did you find that when you bring that to the table as a young bloke, as a young, you know, you're not like an old man doing like, you know, the oral history of China, you're a young bloke, you're a modern artist. Did you find that some people kind of in an art world in Australia that was going through a lot of changes, you were the changes that people were confronting? How did people respond to your very different, I mean, you weren't painting, you weren't painting what people used to paint. No, not at all, because there was a whole generation of, I mean, Chinese people sort of have existed pre-Tiananmen, but there was a whole bunch of artists that came after 89.
So you've got Guan Wei and a bunch of these artists that came and sort of established themselves. So they'd already, I guess, set the groundwork for that and the language, I guess, you know, we're all very different. Are these just Chinese Australian artists? Yeah, Chinese Australian artists, like Guan Wei. Yeah, they'd already set down, you know, we all make very different art, but that language didn't seem so foreign, literally. And I mean, like a painting language didn't seem that foreign. So yeah, we're always very grateful for them to sort of have done that and set the routes for different galleries, taking them up. So Ray Hughes was one of those early commercial galleries that went to mainland China to bring artists over and represent them. And a lot of those artists also went on to sort of establish for a center for contemporary Asian art amongst other people in Australia.
So yeah, it was really great. So back to the hustle, we understand the commercial aspect. You've got a great, well, I'm sure you're still great friends with the Hughes family, but they were great supporters of your art. So the commercial aspect there, when you're hot, you're hot. When you're selling, you're selling, everyone's happy. When you're getting institutional recognition and you're winning prizes, that only accelerates the commercial aspect, but it also kind of affirms your legacy, but they're still dry patches in between all that shit. Yeah. For the hustle, right now, I heard you're working with robotics.
Like what do you do on the side? What are these things you do outside of winning prizes and selling out shows?
I mean, there's just a lot of different sort of levels to the art world, I guess, which even most of the viewers would be very familiar with. So you've got like your commercial gallery. So I'm represented by a commercial gallery. That's like having a label, I guess. So you're selling artworks through them. They take their cut. Then we've got Art Gallery in New South Wales, you know, museums, MCA. They'll commission artists to be in shows, make work, or, you know, just show their pieces that already exist.
And then I also do things like Rising, which is a new sort of Melbourne arts festival and Dark Mofo is coming up. Yeah. So you're in there. You're in Dark Mofo. Yeah. Dark Mofo.
And that's where the robotics side is. But I look forward to this. But I think I'd rather shy away from the term robotics because I'm using quite simple motors.
They're just toys that can sing this opera I've made. So I'm working with Michael Blake and Belinda Dunstan, two, I guess, robotic specialists, I guess I'd call them. But they're also artists. So they're helping me with the sort of technical side of that. And then Vincent Goodyear, who has been nominated for an APRA Award, you know, worked on the last Kid Cudi album. So yeah, really great composer and has been working on music scores as well. He's helped me write this opera. Documentaries and all kinds of things. So I've put these sort of elements together.
They're basically the functions of the robots. They're soft toys that sort of sing this opera, but they've got the functionality of a motor, which was, you know, invented in like 1820 or something. So there's no AI or chips.
Yeah. In them. So it's safe to say you haven't got a hex debt anymore. No, not at the moment. Yeah. Pretty, pretty. Not at the moment.
He's going to get back, man. Are you going back? He's got to go do a thesis at 60 years of age. Probably a slip of the tongue. Yeah. Maybe I could go back, become an engineer or something.
But then also I do, I guess, what you'd loosely call design work. So there's a new Ace Hotel boutique, that hotel that opened in Sydney. Did all the murals across there and designed sort of the...
When did you feel that happening? When did you feel, I guess, you jumping out of the arts into hotel design and murals and that kind of stuff?
Because that's when you start dealing... That's when you become a bit of a household name. It doesn't really sound like there's a module of that at art school, where it's like, you know, how to paint in hotels. No, but I think most of the artists in my generation and below, it's just very normal. Yeah. And then also it's not always heavily advertised. So if you just delve into your favorite sort of artists histories, often they do do a range of things, you know, even the most what you'd consider probably conservative painters or whatever. They all do this huge range of stuff. And I think it's part of the luxury of being an artist. You've got, you dictate your own hours. You can decide who to work for. Often commercial galleries are quite encouraging of this as well. So they're often the ones finding you those jobs. Yeah, right. It's sort of part and parcel now of what we do as artists and what we kind of have to do to make the big bucks, I guess.
Or just to live without fear of moving back into your parents' house. Or just having a base level of human comfort and dignity. Yeah, I'm not here for the base comfort.
You can buy your own mints. And, you know, video games and delicious cocktails and...
And fast cars. I'm a bit scared of fast cars.
Fair enough. Subaru, Forrester. Luxury vehicles. Yeah. Don't get a Forrester, mate. You know what they say about those guys who drive a Forrester. No.
Bad news. Bad news? Bad news. Oh, why? Why is it bad news?
It's like Persia. It's the new Persia.
All right.
Now let's get to your triple threat this year. I introduced you as a triple threat. 2023 triple threat nominated for all three.
Not done that often. The Suhrman, the Wynn, the Archibald all in the same year. Has anyone ever won all three of those in the same year? Brett Whiteley. What? Yeah, he won all three back in the day.
Okay. I won't say anything.
Back in the era when he was at his absolute zenith in terms of popularity. And you could do stuff like that. Yeah, well, he was unstoppable.
You now join that alumni of artists who've done the triple threat. What did you paint this year? Can you tell us all three of your submissions? So this year, for the Wynn, I've painted some sort of dead rats on flowers.
So one of the earliest places I worked was Phillipswood restaurant. RIP, just close recently. Yeah. It's a cook your own steak place opposite the MCA. Oh, what an era. So I was working the kitchen back in the day then.
They had this huge rat problem one year across the rocks. I remember that. Yeah, these rats sort of discovered coffee grounds and they got addicted to it and got super aggressive and hyper strength from it. So all the heads of the restaurants got together and they had to get steel bins for coffee grounds because they were chewing through the plastic bins to get to the coffee grounds and weaned them off for like six months. But that wasn't a particular painting, but there was always rats around the rocks.
But they were right there. Why didn't they just put the coffee grounds in the harbor? It's true. Right there. We probably could have back then, but I guess. I mean, that's what I do with my coffee. You go straight down the sink. They were being responsible. I did not know about that chapter of the Roxas history when the zombie rats went wild. Yeah.
I mean, there's always rats there because obviously that's where the ships all dock and rats come in and out. In the big blue bin of Sydney Harbor.
So you've got. That's for the wind, which is the landscape one. So I guess it's a cityscape.
So it was all these flower beds that were installed one year. And sometimes you'd find the rats sort of sleeping in them and they'd just be everywhere. You know, and then for the Solomon, just painted some lovely scene of some sort of birds and frogs and stuff.
I don't know.
It was just a colorful, nice painting. And then the Archibald painted William Yang, who's a quite a prolific photographer and a storyteller.
He was around. I mean, he's still around. That's not a way to phrase it. But he was sort of documenting the gay sort of party scene in the 70s and 80s. All right.
You know, a lot of photographers and filmmakers end up or start off as sort of just people who sort of just film at parties and just around. And then, you know, he's quite well regarded as, you know, an artist and an archivist. But he's moved on to sort of this storytelling where he uses projections. And tell stories on a stage in theaters and stuff. But yeah, he's still around taking photos and documenting sort of openings and the party scene sort of thing.
So yeah. I'm in big year to get him and pride of all years. Yeah. As if he was a big year for Sydney. Big year for you, Jason Phu.
What else have you got in the works? So I got Dark Mofo and then I'm in the National at the moment.
That's Winter Solstice, isn't it? That's July. Yeah, 8th to 22nd of July.
Are you spending a week there? Spending a couple of weekends there. But I've got other projects to jump in and out. Hope you've already done your accommodation.
I've heard that. Oh no, they put you up. And I'm in the National, which is every two years, I have a national survey of Australian artists across MCA, Art Gallery in New South Wales, Carriageworks in this year, Campbelltown Art Center. So part of that national survey. Right. Yeah, go check it out.
And any shows? Do you have time to sell a show worth of paintings? Yeah, I'm doing a couple of painting shows in my gallery. So I'm with Station Gallery in Melbourne and Chalkhorse in Sydney.
Yeah, got shows of them and just shows coming out of my wazoo. Yeah, it's all happening. Well, we're going to have to get down to one of those shows. Yeah.
We're going to share, if you don't mind, those three submissions, those three finalist paintings you've done on social media, if you have appropriate photographs that do them justice, we'll share them for the followers. And I'm sure they'll all be watching with a keen eye to see if Jason Fook can bring up one of them. Yeah, if you need some jewelry for your houses, I've got lots of jewelry for your houses. And if we do post them, don't screenshot them because that's stealing.
Yeah.
Don't take my NFTs or whatever.
Screenshot from our Instagram, his paintings, and then stretch it by two meters and put it in a frame. And take them to Officeworks and say, AO please. You can run through an algorithm these days, make it better. Slim pixels.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for joining us, Jason Fook, and all the best over the next week. Thank you, Errol. Thank you, Clancy. Yeah, nailed it, mate. Thank you.
So I was working in the kitchen back in the day there, and they had this huge rat problem one year across the rocks. I remember that. Yeah, these rats sort of discovered coffee grounds, and they got addicted to it and got super aggressive and hyper strength from it. So all the heads of the restaurants got together and they had to get steel bins for coffee grounds because they were chewing through the plastic bins to get to the coffee grounds, and weaned them off for like six months. But that wasn't a particular painting, but there was always rats around the rocks.
Right, but they were right there. Why didn't they just put the coffee grounds in the harbor? It's true. It's right there. Well, you probably could have back then, but I guess... I mean, that's what I do with my coffee, go straight down the sink. They were being responsible. That's a very...
I did not know about that chapter of the rocks' history when the zombie rats went wild.
Yeah, I mean, there's always rats there because obviously that's where the ships all dock and rats come in and out. In the big blue bin of Sydney Harbor. So you've got... That's for the wind, which is the landscape one. So I guess it's a cityscape. So there was all these flower beds that were installed one year, and sometimes you'd find the rats sort of sleeping in them, and they'd just be everywhere.
And then for the soul man, I just painted some lovely scene of some sort of birds and frogs and stuff. I don't know, it was just a colorful, nice painting. And then the Archibalda painted William Yang, who's quite a prolific photographer and a storyteller.
He was around... I mean, he's still around. That's not a way to phrase it, but he was sort of documenting the gay sort of party scene in the 70s and 80s. All right. A lot of photographers and filmmakers end up or start off as sort of just people who sort of just film at parties and just around. And then he's quite well regarded as an artist and an archivist, but he's moved on to sort of this storytelling where he uses projections and tell stories on a stage in theaters and stuff. But yeah, he's still around taking photos and documenting sort of openings and the party scene sort of thing. So, yeah.
I'm in big year to get him and pride of all years. Yeah, it was a big year for Sydney. Big year for you, Jason Foo.
What else have you got in the works? So I got Dark Mofo and then I'm in the National at the moment.
That's winter solstice, isn't it? That's July. Yeah, 8th to 22nd of July.
Are you spending a week there? I'm spending a couple of weekends there, but I've got other projects. Hope you've already done your accommodation.
I've heard that. Oh no, they put you up. And I'm in the National, which is every two years I have a national survey of Australian artists across MCA, Art Grainy South Wales, Carriageworks and this year, Campbelltown Art Centre. So part of that national survey. Right. Yeah, go check it out.
And any shows? Do you have time to sell a show with the paintings? Yeah, I'm doing a couple of painting shows in my gallery. So we have Station Gallery in Melbourne and Chalk Horse in Sydney. Yeah, got shows with them and just shows coming out of my wazoo. Yeah, it's all happening. Well, we're going to have to get down to one of those shows.
We're going to share, if you don't mind, those three submissions, those three finalist paintings you've done on social media. If you have appropriate photographs that do them justice, we'll share them for the followers. And I'm sure they'll all be watching with a keen eye to see if Jason Fu can bring up. Yeah, if you need some jewelry for your houses, I've got lots of jewelry for your houses.
Yeah. And if we do post them, don't screenshot them because that's stealing. Yeah, yeah.
Don't take my NFTs or whatever.
Screenshot from our Instagram, his paintings, and then stretch it by two metres and put it in a frame. And take them to Officeworks and say, You can run through an algorithm these days, make it better. Slim pixels.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for joining us, Jason Fu, and all the best over the next week. Thank you, Errol. Thank you, Clancy. Yeah, nailed it, mate. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | update_larry_the_goose_survivor_tales_saturday_night_live | Many are hailing Chelsea B. Sullenberger, the pilot of Flight 1540, for his quick thinking and steady actions. but not everyone considers him a hero. here to comment, Larry the Goose. So, um, Larry, you were one of the geese involved in the accident Thursday. can you tell us what happened? It was horrible, Seth. you know, I was with my flock. And then out of nowhere came this giant metal goose. yeah, it was an airplane. if you say so. And it was just mayhem. I mean, one minute, we were in a perfect formation. and the next, it was a complete cluster flock. cluster flock? Yes. You know, there were feathers everywhere. it was like a sorority pillow fight without the scantily clad undergrads. Seems like a really weird reference for a goose to make. Well, I'm traumatized. Okay. so, what happened next? Well, I was in the water, just in a daze. and then suddenly I saw all these boats, so I started yelling for help in Goose. what does that sound like in Goose? Oh! oh! yeah, I don't think they understood you. yeah, apparently not. because they drove right by us. I tell you, the whole thing was like the movie Top Gun. how is it like Top Gun? a plane went down and goose died. Again, a really strange reference for a goose.
Yeah, well, I've been through hell. and I have Netflix, so. Look, well, I am, uh, Larry the Goose. I'm really sorry for what you've been through.
No, you're not. And let's stop pretending we don't know why this tragedy hasn't received more coverage in the American press. you mean the fact that all the people lived and only two birds died? No, because we're Canadians. you and I both know that's what this is really. a boot. a Boot. Yeah, that's how we say it.
Larry the Goose, everybody! For we can update, I'm Seth Meyers. and I'm Larry the Goose.
Good night. |
ClickHole | learn_attack_what_happens_to_our_bodies_when_we_re_fucking | Sex. You only get to have it once, but what actually happens to our body is when we're fucking. Get ready for an information orgasm, right here on Learn Attack! For sex to happen, there needs to be arousal. Women become aroused when they see something sexually stimulating, like a crane smashing into a vagina-shaped church or a mailman passing away. Men get aroused when their testicles begin clanging like dinner bells, which stirs the penis from its prayers. The penis then fills itself up with orange juice from the stomach. If you haven't had orange juice recently, sorry, but sex just isn't going to happen. To understand the physics of sex, rapidly slam two potatoes together while you're horning. Cool. Once the penis gets stuck in the vagina, the vaginal walls contract and honk the tick to make sure it's not a rattlesnake. snake. The penis blasts out a hot gust of air to prove its identity. That's all well and good, but why do we have sex? Sex for men is an entirely pleasureless and utilitarian act, rooted in our early ancestors' need to retrieve acorns and toys they'd stored inside their mates. At climax, the female moans as loud as she can in order to scare her family, and the male squeezes a single, almond-sized sperm out of his penis that is ejected onto the carpet and collected by a fryer. With sex complete, the female's vagina undergoes a two-hour rinse cycle to clean itself. The male's penis grows significantly more erect, and the brain, still frightened from all the nudity, shuts down for three weeks and tries to relax.
And the best part is, the whole thing works pretty much the same way for gay people. And this is interesting. To this day, God does not know about sex, but if he did, he'd probably kill himself.
Too cool. So, what happens to our bodies during sex? A lot. In the words of the great Charles Darwin, when two best friends are making slime through ****, there is so much science going everywhere that I can't even keep track of it all.
Until next time, I've been David, and you just got attacked! |
TheOnion | Man_Has_Alarming_Level_Of_Pride_In_Institution_That_Left_Him_In_Debt_Unprepared_For_Job_Market | Following earlier reports of 27-year-old Mark Felder's profound and startling level of pride in his alma mater, the University of Miami alumnus spoke to Onion reporters about his strong affection for the academic institution that left him totally unprepared for the job market and floundering in $50,000 of debt. I would not trade my time at the University of Miami for anything. Miami has the best college experience in the country hands down. I had an awesome time there and it's an amazing place. We've got awesome bars, awesome sports and awesome campus.
We're pretty much right next to the beach. I mean, what more could you want? You'd have to be crazy not to go there.
Felder, who paid over $140,000 in tuition, told reporters he takes an annual trip to see a Hurricanes football game and visit the university that failed to teach him any marketable job skills whatsoever, leaving him so financially helpless he was forced to move back in with his parents after graduating. M-I-A-M-I fight, fight, fight. Yeah, it's all about the U, baby. All about the U. That's what I'm talking about. Go Canes, baby. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
ClickHole | how_to_announce_that_your_dad_is_feeling_nauseated_on_linkedin | Hello again guys today, I'm going to be teaching you how to announce that your dad is feeling nauseated on LinkedIn This is something you can use anytime your dad is nauseous day or night And it's easy to make it look very sharp and clean to potential employers So LinkedIn gives us a lot of options for how to get the news out But the simplest one is to post an update to do that You're going to click over to your main feed and click share and update and then you just type in whenever you want to share it right in this window here and For a little extra reach you can share that on Twitter as well using this drop-down menu Great and now let's show up in people's feeds.
Now if you want to go higher impact with this we can write up a post You can see this is a little more powerful a little more professional looking I'm gonna add a high-risk picture of my dad here and You're gonna want to come up with a grabby headline to catch people's eyes something like ill pop or father's gut update Just type that right in here As for the body that's totally up to you Some people like to write up a few paragraphs on his color and moans, but that feels unprofessional to me I usually go with something short and sweet and I use a header font to make it really stand out and Once you're done click publish and there you go.
Now your connections will see this but if someone new comes to your page cold, we want them to know your dad's sick, too so let's click over to your profile and First off, let's change your headline because that's hard to miss so click that a little pencil icon there And let's swap this out something a little more relevant That looks good.
And the other thing we can do up here is to change your profile photo To really make the fact that you've got a nausea dad really jump out.
So let's add a new thing a new one here This one looks good Click Save Perfect.
If you really want to make a splash LinkedIn even lets you add a video down your summary section So let's scroll down here click this video button Now I've got a I made a YouTube video of my dad who is when he was really in the weeds So I'm gonna paste that link in there I agree now anyone who looks at your profile know right away how ill your dad really is Of course, you should feel free to put your own spin on any of this, but that's pretty much it That's the end of the tutorial You're all set to let the professional world know your dad is nauseated and make sure to connect to me once you do Thanks for watching as always and I'll catch you next time with a brand new tutorial.
Bye guys |
TheOnion | Apple_Unveils_Much_Anticipated_iPhone_4SE | Finally, Bill Clinton just shows America his penis. The San Diego Zoo displays the first rhino still born in captivity, and a woman is dumped on her 15-week anniversary.
One day some twisted son of a bitch is bound to teach you a thing or two about living in this cold, God-forsaken world. But for now, this is the Onion Week in Review.
Saying this is the greatest advance in smartphone technology since the iPhone 4S, Apple announced today the release of the brand new, highly anticipated iPhone 4SE. Just 11 months after unveiling the last edition of the popular smartphone, CEO Tim Cook took the stage to smatterings of applause to present the 4SE's new features, including an enhanced Siri voice search, upgraded talk and type technology, and updates to Apple's iCloud software. The 4SE is the one everyone's been waiting for. It has an advanced version of our iOS format, and believe it or not, we've upgraded the camera to full megapixels. This thing is the future.
According to sources along I-85, Vice President Joe Biden was seen hitchhiking to the Democratic National Convention this week, relying solely on his charm and the generosity of passing motorists to make the 400-mile journey between Washington, D.C. and Charlotte, North Carolina. Eyewitness reports confirmed the 69-year-old vice president rode in at least 11 separate vehicles, telling drivers he'd get to the convention whenever the hell he got there.
I dropped him off at a truck stop near Chesterton about two nights ago. He said he planned on sleeping there. He told me all a man needs to sleep is a bench to lie on and a cold one to nurse him to bed. I said it might be a little dangerous out there alone. He said he was carrying his butterfly knife and that he just got his green belt in Taekwondo.
Members of the Supreme Court said today that their newly hired agent, Rory McCleft, is already getting them better cases. Despite being hired only three months ago, McCleft has already booked the Supreme Court high-profile cases such as Hill versus the United States and the National Federation of Independent Business versus Sebelius, both of which, members of the court agree, would have never happened under former agent Jeff Muslin. I talked to the Supreme Court, asked them where they saw themselves in five years. They all agreed. They wanted to make it to the big time, and that means getting them out of all that gun control stuff they've been doing lately and into some really great cases.
Hold on. I got to take this. Hey, Sotomayor, my favorite justice, how you doing?
According to sources, all four members of New York-based improvisational troupe Calhoun are balding. We here at Mike's Petroleum Sandages, we guide our customers. Reports indicate that the bald and out of shape men, all of whom are currently in their mid to late 30s and haven't held a single job paying more than $45,000 a year, have devoted their lives to improv despite never once having received any compensation for their work.
When people ask what it is we do, I tell them it's a mixture between really silly and really smart, like that scene we did where Abraham Lincoln was a freshman in college. Why the fuck is Anne Frank there? I actually just talked to a manager who's pretty into our stuff. He hasn't called back yet, but I think it'll be a big step for us. In other news, the creator of Breaking Bad thinks maybe next season should take a dark turn. An area man crawls on the ground like a pig to plug his MacBook Pro power cord behind his desk, and Prince Charles thinks the boys are finally old enough to find out what happened to their mother. Now that the video is over, here's a tip about this hellish world. Never fall in love. She'll rip your heart out and leave you for dead. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. Whom are currently in their mid to late 30s and haven't held a single job paying more than $45,000 a year, have devoted their lives to improv despite never once having received any compensation for their work. When people ask what it is we do, I tell them it's a mixture between really silly and really smart, like that scene we did where Abraham Lincoln was a freshman in college. Why the fuck is Anne Frank there? I actually just talked to a manager who's pretty into our stuff. He hasn't called back yet, but I think it'll be a big step for us. In other news, the creator of Breaking Bad thinks maybe next season should take a dark turn. An area man crawls on the ground like a pig to plug his MacBook Pro power cord behind his desk, and Prince Charles thinks the boys are finally old enough to find out what happened to their mother. Now that the video is over, here's a tip about this hellish world. Never fall in love. She'll rip your heart out and leave you for dead. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
dropout | always_open_with_andy_richter | That egg is once to burst. Uh-huh. It's ready to run. It's like a sack.
Is that your buttermilk? That's my buttermilk. Straight buttermilk.
I can't take this. Farm out of the boy. Nope.
You're from a smaller town. Yeah. Throw what? Everybody's got to be from somewhere. Let me see the Andy Richter that just moved to Chicago. Okay. But only in the face. It's a big city. Oh. All right.
You're hurting me. Without anything it's hurting you.
Oh. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's...
But you seem to be willingly participating in you being hurt. You're hurting me.
If you don't mind if you join me for what I call UTT, Under Table Talk Show. Oh, okay. I like this. Let's get down there. Hey, friend. Hi. How's it going? Hey, wait. I wanted to do this.
Folks, you can't see, but he's writing... He's writing his name with an exclamation and an underline.
I love... I'm like a graffiti artist.
All right. We're going to pop back up. All right. Three, two, one, go. Okay. Three, two, one, go. Well, you know what we do sometimes here at the booth is what we like to call wish fulfillment. Mm-hmm. How about you host this little show? Oh. Yeah? All right. Would you like the card? Sure. All right. There we go.
If you could take a road trip anywhere in the country, Dave, where would we go? I want to take a road trip with you in the summer from California to Missouri and hit every state fair along the way.
Oh, actually, wouldn't be really great. We're at the state fair right now, and we're in one of those pavilions where someone is pitching their wares. You give me something to pitch, and then I'll give you something to pitch. Uh, here, you can pitch this. All right.
This is a magical skillet. How is it in any way different than any other skillet that has ever been created?
Thank you very much for asking.
It's cast iron, and it is non-stick. Did I mention it's non-stick? It's non-stick.
Here. Can it double as a hairbrush? Yes, it can. Oh. That is nice. So that's a sale? Yeah. Sure. I take that.
Let me give you something. I want you to sell, uh, sell these.
Oh, all right. All right. I'm walking along. Excuse me, sir. Can I have a minute of your time? Good. All right.
Listen, I'd like to tell you about an item that you're not going to believe, frankly. Honey, honey, come here. Hey. Who are you speaking to? There's a crowd of us.
Sir, how many times have you thought, I'm tired of always buying more and more underwear? Almost every day. Don't you wish that you could have underwear that was protecting, form-fitting, and reusable? I really would.
That, what you're holding right there, Mr. Sonderwehr? It's called the business keeper. Put your business in there, sir.
Right now in front of everybody? All right. Okay. I got my business in it. Good word. Bring it in. This is a, this is a condiment Rorschach test. All right.
Uh, what do you see? How dare you?
I didn't breathe. I told you that in confidence. |
TheOnion | Economists_People_Who_Paint_Selves_And_Pretend_To_Be_Statues_Make_Average_Of_10_Million_Per_Year | According to a report released this week, people who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues earn, on average, $10 million per year. The Onion sat down with economist Mark Cosgrave to learn more about the money-making potential of this highly lucrative employment path. As it stands now, individuals who spray paint their entire body silver and then stand on a street corner as if they were some kind of sculpture can expect to draw salaries that extend well into the eight-figure range. Surely, for anyone looking for a low-risk, high-reward venture, there's no more profitable career at the moment. Cosgrave explained individuals pretending to be the Statue of Liberty or some kind of futuristic silver cowboy can expect to take in a minimum of $8 million in tax-free income in the first year alone, and added that those performers who work in a highly trafficked area, such as New York's Times Square, would invariably be bringing in millions more. If you compare these positions to other high-paying jobs, say, physicians or mechanical engineers, you'll find that those individuals who have outfitted themselves with silver-painted boxes and can move their limbs stiffly as if they were a robot are making literally hundreds of times as much. At this point, I would say that the only job that offers anywhere near that kind of earning potential is dressing up like Batman and allowing people to pose for photos with you. And those guys who play paint buckets like drums have historically done well for themselves. But honestly, the recession hit these professions pretty hard, and a lot of them are only making something like $800,000 a year at this point. It's barely even worth their time. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | the_12_saddest_world_record_attempts_ever_caught_on_video_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 14 of Cracked TV, where Sigga, Whiffer, Bubbly, Jerk, in no time. Look, we've got to get moving, because today we're breaking the world's record for longest list on a web show hosted by a robot for Cracked. Isn't that right, Clippy? And we're just going to stick them in for about seven to eight minutes. Damn it, I said there's no time. Look, just do the thing with the breaking and the 12 lamest world record attempts of all time. And go. First up, the most martial arts kicks in one minute. It's like a Jackie Chan movie come to life, except if Jackie Chan injected himself with horse tranquilizers before every take and his enemy was a flag. And hey, what's the sound of a martial arts master masturbating? Oh yeah, that's good.
Just the toes.
What's the least amount of physical movement you can do and still be a world record holder? If you answered sit perfectly motionless, you're close.
It's the fastest text message ever sent. Tragically, not only did he fail to break the record, he was texting his doctor at the time. The reply?
Ah, that's the worst kind, too. Yimmy Skuld is going to be trying to beat his own Guinness World Record tonight for the most hot dog swallowed whole in one minute. Yeah, that's, there you go. As you can imagine, a series of the best things ever set on TV soon followed. Please get into position. Oh my. That did not look comfortable. It's going straight down. Five slippery suckers straight down the back of the throat.
The only down note was this unfortunate comment from the host. We urge our audience never to try anything like this ever. Hey, keep your homophobia to yourself, guy.
This German football player broke a world record by running through ten panes of safety glass in one minute. First of all, I break that record almost every episode. And secondly, while his method is admittedly harder, it's still just basically running with some stopping thrown in.
And come on. Goggles, masks, helmets, the German Ryan Seacrest to inspire you to a blinding rage? When you're ready to do it naked, then we'll talk. Speaking of. We're going to get thrown around a lot. The G-force is going to be incredible and there's going to be bits and pieces of everybody flying around everywhere. Nope, she's not talking about Tuesday night at my house.
She's talking about setting the world record for the most naked people on a rollercoaster. 32 British Naturists helped set the record, simultaneously setting records for the most women with stars for nipples, most balls crushed against a filthy, sweaty plastic saddle, and worst album cover ever.
Maybe my total lack of a childhood has blinded me to a perfectly normal part of human behavior. Maybe at picnics, sleepovers, and summer camps across the globe, it's a matter of course to see how many eggs you can crush in 30 seconds with your toes. And the fact that three hot senoritas happen to be the best in the world at egg crushing is just salsa on the tapas. Wow, that's one egg-streamly creepy video. Get it? Because it's disturbing. Er, wait. For some reason, the Swedish version of the show tends to focus on records so specific there's a good chance no one's ever tried them before. I guess it goes with the whole neutrality thing.
Then they replay it, but sped up. Then they give him some flowers. You suck, Sweden. Back to eating, this time a raw onion. It's unpleasant, it's middle school dare-worthy, and normally to just be a run-of-the-mill world record attempt. But then this happened. He's struggling to hold it in. The supreme effort this guy puts into eating an onion is only highlighted by the fact that his competitor quits after about ten seconds in a single bite. And while neither of them broke the record, they did teach us all a valuable lesson. Always check the collar. That's where the onion hides. See? Sweden again, this time snapping bananas in half.
A feat so seemingly easy, they included a segment showing old people failing to do it to prove how hard it is. Which, to be fair, you could do with just about any activity. Burn old people! On the plus side, Guinness has apparently found a way to broadcast the athletes in her monologue.
Snap! Oh!
How far would you go in the name of irony? Would you buy a t-shirt for a band you hate? See a movie you didn't like. Eat at Arby's?
Well you're not beating these seventy people who ruined perfectly good irons and wasted hours to iron clothes they clearly don't intend to wear. And all the while, some kid in Indonesia is ironing four hundred shirts a day to try and support his whole family.
But is that going to stop you watching? Life is all about context. Here's a guy who can drink a liter of what looks like silt in about five seconds. Do that at a party almost anywhere else in the world, and I guarantee you no one's talking to you for the rest of the night. But do it on a Guinness stage in Japan, and they treat you like Prince fucking Ashitaka. Oh, forget about it. And then the man in black simply left. To rock other faces, master other universes, drink other bottles of milky shit.
Some say he was a king. Some say he was a god. They were both right.
Believe it or not, one of the most hotly contested world records on the web is how many times you can kick yourself in the head. It's been broken and re-broken, presumably because the type of person who wants to be famous for doing that has little regard for their own head. Tragically, none have successfully kicked themselves into a vegetative state. All we can do is pray.
And time! How'd I do? Did I do it? Did I beat the record? If you use a spoonula, then you can use it for both stirring things and for scraping the bowl. I will take that as a yes! Hell yeah! Best in the world, baby! And remember, if you want to help me pick next week's topic, you will bring me the orbs of power. I've been the best hostroid ever, and to play us out, here's the best song ever. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_black_market_baby_formula_trump_s_new_book_on_2020_election_snl | Well, at last year's finale, it seemed like Covid was fading.
And I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer's hottest Std is Monkey Pox. that's how weird and bad things have gotten. the stock market is crashing. there's a war in Europe. everyone on this is Us is about to croak. the future is looking pretty bleak. I mean, you'd have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now.
I mean, I just did, but don't worry. I've been hoarding baby formula.
A recent report shows that Fox News host Tucker Carlson, seen here bragging about how big it is, has repeatedly pushed the theory that Democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn't even make sense, because white people still exist. It's not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it's Halloween. Tucker Carlson's got a lot of nerve-pushing these wild conspiracy theories, because if he thinks the government has a secret plot to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack the Cia secretly put in black neighborhoods.
Representative Liz Cheney attacked the house Gop leadership, saying they've enabled white supremacy and anti-semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney's attacks, calling them cheaper than a black Rabbi. right-wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog, won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for Governor and said if he's elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron Desantis look like a centrist. instead of what Desantis looks like now, my dad washing me in the School Musical.
Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet, saying, quote, if I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30-year career that it comes to light. Oh, sorry, we were looking for a simple did not do it. the answer was, did not Do It.
Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren't qualified. for instance, his pick for Attorney General is literally 90s action star Stephen Seagal. Now, that's not true, but what does it say about Trump that you didn't doubt it for a second? rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on Black Market Baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets. Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at Nyu's graduation ceremony this week because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. you're still going to be paying for it decades later. former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the Presidential election. the book will contain 8,000 commas and no periods. good evening, everyone. welcome to Week of Ducted.
I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, at last year's finale, it seemed like Covid was fading and I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer's hottest Std is Monkey Pox. that's how weird and bad things have gotten. the stock market is crashing, there's a war in Europe, everyone on this is Us is about to croak. the future is looking pretty bleak.
I mean, you'd have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now. I mean, I just did, But don't worry, I've been hoarding baby formula.
A recent report shows that Fox News host Tucker Carlson, seen here bragging about how big it is has repeatedly pushed a theory that democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn't even make sense, because white people still exist. It's not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it's Halloween. Tucker Carlson's got a lot of nerve-pushing these wild conspiracy theories because if he thinks the government has a secret plot to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack to see how he's secretly put in black neighborhoods.
Representative Liz Cheney attacked the house Gop leadership, saying they've enabled white supremacy and anti-semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney's attacks, calling them cheaper than a black Rabbi. right-wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog, won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for Governor and said if he's elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron Desantis look like a centrist.
Instead of what Desantis looks like now, my dad watching me in The School Musical. Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet, saying, quote, if I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30-year career that it comes to light.
Sorry, we were looking for a simple, did not do it. the answer was, did Not do it.
Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren't qualified. for instance, his pick for Attorney General is literally 90s action star Stephen Seagal. Now, that's not true, but what does it say about Trump that you didn't doubt it for a second? Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on Black Market Baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets. Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at Nyu's graduation ceremony this week, because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. you're still going to be paying for it decades later. former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the Presidential election. the book will contain 8,000 commas and no periods. |
dropout | beard | Hello, and welcome to Tales from the Closet! This is a vod- ooh, mom! This is a vodcast, it's also a podcast, it's also a lifestyle brand. If you're watching this right now on Dropout, thank you so much! Thank you for supporting us, it's kind of like a Patreon where you pay five dollars a month and you get this show and then like 29 other projects that we're currently working on. Today I'm joined by three people that I am huge fans of, very excited to hop into this show.
Let's just start! Who are you? Where are you from?
What did you listen to on the way in today? Oh, I'm Gabby Dunn. She, her pronouns, I identify as a bisexual. I'm from Florida and I listen to Toblo on the way here. Ooh, I love it! All right, moving on. Hey, my name is Yasmin Monet Watkins, bisexual in the building! This never happens, by the way. These two B's in the same place. My pronouns are she, her, hers, and I'm from Los Angeles, California. Love it.
What'd you listen to, if anything? Y'all remember the Weekends, House of Balloons album?
Oh my god, the hottest thing that's ever been made! I should not have gotten that hot and bothered on my drive here, but... I wondered why we all hooked up when you first got here.
Hi, I'm Jared Goldstein, he, him. I'm from Long Island, New York and this morning I listen to Morning View by Tokyo featuring SZA. Oh, hi!
And I, of course, am Ali. I do go by them. I am into women at this point and I don't know what that makes me help.
Okay, great. Thank you so much for being on this show. This, of course, is a show about being out of the closet and looking back and being like, haha, or boo-hoo, or probably a combo. Or the latter. Sometimes it's so sad that it's funny. That's most of it. That's most of life. Absolutely.
I tried to look up today, like, what the etymology of coming out of the closet is, like, where that's from, and no one has an answer. Like, there was even, I read, like, a full-time magazine article that pretty much came up to, like, we're not sure. It was probably an inside joke with, like, three people and then it just, like, went viral before viral was a thing.
Three perfect queers. Yeah! I imagine, in my mind, it's something where you, like, it's a gay, kind of, not a slur, but, like, you know, like, oh, you're fashion, like, you're out of the closet, like, you're fashionable now. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I don't know, I'm making that up, but it seems right. I am shooting from the hip currently.
I don't like it when people use it for other stuff. They're like, I'm a closeted dairy eater. I'm like, just don't do that. I'm like, so what kind of, like, strife did you have at a young age in knowing that you wanted to eat dairy? I think they're frustrating me that straight people don't have to. I'm like, really?
Yeah, all of them got to come out? Like, yeah, they should. Everybody should come out.
Whenever someone asks me, like, when did you know you were gay? Like, that's a pretty common question. I'm like, when did you know you were straight?
Right, right. Probably around the same time. Probably when sexuality are vain. This morning. Yeah, but they don't have to have, like, a bunch of unsatisfying, like, gay sex before they're like, oh! Yeah, true. Wouldn't that be nice if they had to do that? Oh, man.
They were like, oh, me pretending to be gay again. Oh, I guess everyone disassociates. Oh, it's so dark and so real. Yeah, and then they're like, okay, now I can have my coming out or whatever. Yes, I did love the coming out as a phrase is actually from, like, there were huge gay balls. There's a huge gay ball scene. And when you came out, now it kind of means, like, that hard conversation you have with someone where you, like, came out. But came out actually meant when you, like, showed yourself to the rest of the gay community and they got to see you for the first time. They stole it from the debutante balls. Yeah, so wouldn't that be nice? It was like, yeah, my coming out story was everyone was shitfaced. I look amazing. I was finally seeing everyone that was just like me. All I heard you say was huge gay balls. And then it was like, don't say it, don't say anything, don't say nothing. It came from these huge gay balls that we all came out of.
Welcome. We're all just on this podcast giggling about balls and balls. Yeah, great.
So this is kind of the part of the show where we kind of share some of our own tales from the closet. I remember it was so shocking to me in college when I realized that I had been operating under the assumption that everyone was gay. They just figured out how to deal with it. Like, I was just like, oh, my feelings are like what everyone starts with, but they have like, especially being very Christian, it was like, oh, they've like figured out how to get past that temptation, like everyone's gay. Oh, and then realizing like, no, no, no, a lot of people are just genuinely straight. And it's okay. But also, people are so much more on the spectrum than they say. Like, I feel like everyone's like, oh, I'm straight, but it's like, no, you like straight point five, you know what I mean?
I know two, I know two completely straight women. And I've that's my whole life. I've only known two. Yeah, it's like, it'll be like, it's some girl will be like, I'm straight. But then she's like, oh, yeah, I've slept with like three or four women or whatever. But so I only know two actual straight women who have never been interested in a woman. But I think the more that gender gets fluid, the less like straight means anything. I'm just like, you're straight.
I don't know. It's like, wake up, you know? Yeah. Wake up.
Thank you. System of a down. Sponsor this. System of a down presents tales from the closet. I would absolutely.
So yeah, what about you guys were just some moments when you were like, wow, I might be queer or I went to a sleepaway camp. And there was one year you could request who you wanted to be put with in your cabin. And there was one year where I there was a mistake or something and I got put with the popular girls, like by accident. And then and then they all straightened their hair and like put a lot of perfume on and we're like, would sit like do their makeup for a long time in the mirror and stuff. And I was like, Oh, no, like this is a problem. And then I was like, table it, table it, come back to it later. Because like my nerd friends, we were I mean, like it wasn't it, but they were all just like in bras of being like, I'm hooking up with counselors. I'm 13.
And I would be like, Oh, cool. I love that for you. Oh, great. Yes.
But then there was another girl in that cabin who I was like really close to and we became like super, super good friends. And then I lost touch with her completely. And then I she moved. She was like 10, 15 years later. She's in L.A. and we like saw each other and she's also queer.
Yeah. So I love that. Yeah. And that's happened a few times with like girls that I was super close to when I was younger. And then you meet you meet up with them later. And they're like, Oh, yeah, for sure. Queer. Yeah, me too. All of my friends growing up. I feel like we found each other. Yeah. Middle school moments of like middle school boyfriends gay. We were just like, we did it. I think is gay too. Yeah.
But like, Oh, no, I shouldn't even like he probably won't watch this. But like, he's also he's a pastor son. And he's just like, never, I don't think ever gonna.
Yeah. But like, I remember my middle school teacher coming up to me and being like, he just hasn't found himself yet. Oh, no, get out of here. As his girlfriend. Get out of it. God. Wow.
I wrote so many weird essays that looking back were so gay. And I can't believe my my English teacher didn't like take me aside and be like, Look, like you we asked you to write a short story. You wrote a really long short story about another girl looking into a girl's eyes.
What's that about? I started realizing that I was gay probably like around nine or 10. Watching Josh Brolin workout in the goonies. No, was like something really activated.
He's like in a gray like cut off. He's got like a headband on and he's doing the stretch them work out. And then he gets they like tie him up to the thing with the thing.
Because they're like mischievous kids. And then like Josh Brolin like sweaty and like tied up to a chair with workout gear for my like Long Island toxic masculinity. Brain I was just like, and then I when I was 11, I was a child actor, I started doing theater. So I would like leave the small town of Long Island go into the big bad city and I would like be rehearsing around all of these like hot dancers. Yeah, we're like very physical with each other. And just like eating power bars. And like that was like really like, Oh, I'm in trouble. Moment that you have has like one small like athlete.
There was a there was a director of this musical that I was in who would wear every single day. He wore a purple. It's a tank top.
We used to call them my feeders. We probably shouldn't call them anymore. I don't know what else we call them.
But that kind of shirt, purple, bright purple every day the same shirt.
And it just like made my head flip over. Oh, my god. I love that head swim feeling. I mean, it's terrifying. But now when I look back on it, I'm like, that's so pure. Like so attractive.
Yeah, I think I felt dizzy 90% of the time. It was very uncomfortable.
Look at my grades. Yeah, maybe all C's. But think of what I was dealing with. Upside down world. This is something you can't relate to.
But every morning in high school just fully hard. For no reason, for no reason, wake up. And it wasn't until like third period that it would go down. No, like just like every single morning.
It was like something I had to do was just like, get out of the car in a certain way. Like walk to your class in a certain way.
I'm like not even horny. I'm just like, this is insane.
No way. Every single morning for hours. I have heard stories of this, but I just didn't. No, it's not. It's not a myth.
You're just like, and I'm holding a book and I'm holding a potted plant. Also, it's like kind of nice though, because it was like Long Island and it was like cold mostly. So like, there's nice stuff like a little warm pocket. Every morning, just like, I'm freezing. But for one place. Oh, that's a tips and tricks. Cold environment.
Just bundle up. I think about Josh Brolin. Just clearly what you were doing.
Yeah, I had a diary. I went back and found my old diary and I posted on Instagram because it's really funny.
There's one part. It's the gayest few sentences of all time.
It's like, uh, I gave Shauna the shirt that not her real name. I used to fake names in my diary. That's how paranoid I am. I gave Shauna the shirt.
I got her. She was really happy. She hugged me. She's so pretty. I love seeing her happy.
I was in a bad mood. So I skipped basketball and I didn't tell my parents why.
That's the gayest short story ever written of all time.
I played basketball too. Yeah. Everyone's so hot. Yeah. All the older kids.
I did not like fit. So I also grew up very religious bit like apostolic like speaking in time. Yeah, like it was interesting. So like I didn't think about sex or rather I'd be like, if I am, I'm going to burn in a lake of fire. So I just like put it off, put it off, put it off. And then yeah, I was like, were you like, oh no, and if I have sex, like now I'm going to have sex with women and now I'm definitely going in the lake of fire. Yeah. So really what happened, my first girlfriend and I kissed and then I was like, wait, what does this mean? Does God hate me? Am I going to like, and it like launched this like list of questions, but it was like really like, it was like, I went from like zero to like, like no sex, no nothing to like, whoo. Yes. Which was, I was like able to be super like virginal because I'm like, I'm 100% not interested in Mikey or chat.
You know, it's like, but how old was that? And when were you like figuring all that out? Um, that was 19, sophomore year, she was my roommate, one of my best friends.
I know. So cliche.
She was on the top bunk. I was on the bottom.
I thought our house was haunted. So we were like sleeping with each other because we were scared.
Sure. There's something spooky in the air. Right.
There were evil spirits in that room. I feel like all the signs where they're like, I wrestled in high school.
Like, it's like, you know, yeah. Wrestling is like how women tell each other that they're interested in each other. To this day, you meet, you meet someone and you just put them in a headlock. And then I say, are you single? Yeah, kids at home. That's how you do it. Just so you know. Oh, yeah, that must have been crazy growing up.
So religious. Oh, God.
Yeah, no. And it's, it's crazy because I do poetry as well. And I performed at the Black Lesbians United retreat one year. This poem about like coming out and like doing like trying to wrap my head around some of the contradictions in say Leviticus where they're like, you can't eat pork, but also you can't fuck like the same sex.
And you're like, wait a minute. Everyone's eating ribs. Why?
Like, I did that poem and this girl was like, Oh my God. Like I went to a similar church. Like it was really like hurtful and just like tough for me. And I'm like, I'm there with you. And it turns out that we were both at the same church at the same time. You're lying. No, like she, like we both were like, what? You were at peace episode two. And I was like, I was at peace episode. And we were both like, oh, and you had like a beacon. Sometimes I wish you like, we could see it. And there was like a sign.
Yeah, a girl like, uh, not, I, she likes to say that I was her babysitter, but I like just would watch her some drive her home from school or whatever. But we're, we're like friends now and equals, but she constantly is just like, we met cause Gabby was my babysitter. And I'm like, stop, whatever kinky thing you're doing with this, cut it out. So she, uh, we're equals now, but, uh, she, I just want to unpack nothing has happened. She's gay as well. And we were like, Oh my God. I wish that like, when, when I had been your babysitter, whatever, we kind of like, you know, had like a beacon where we could like see each other.
You know what I mean? Absolutely.
Well, that's the thing is like, everyone is like in the closet, quote unquote. And it's so isolated. Oh, our closets are right next to each other.
Like you could knock on it and be like, are you there? But didn't you also feel like the most afraid of those people?
Yes. Cause I thought they would, I thought they would expose me. Yeah. If I was friends with them for sure. Yeah.
It's like, I had the same thing where I thought I was kind of like self-hating and like avoided those people. And then I'd made the switch to be like super ally was like, Oh gosh, you know what?
We need to stick up for them. You know what? I'm going to hang out with them.
Growing up, all of my bullies were gay kids. Yeah. I had like three or four bullies exclusively gay.
No way.
At the time or now? Two at the time, three, two at the time, one now.
That was, that's what really like pulled it together for me. I was, I forget how, but I was on Kim's Facebook and I was like, Oh, she's married to a woman. Right. Like that makes all of them. Makes sense. It was all of them. Yeah.
Cause they're scared. It's like the expression dogs bark at dogs. Wow.
Audrey Ward has, and I like love Audrey and I know it's not necessarily funny, but she says, like I often think of Angelina Weld Grimke dying alone in an apartment in New York city. And I think of myself in isolation at Hunter College. And I think of what it could have meant in terms of sisterhood and solidarity. If she had known I needed her words and had I had them.
Totally. And it's like that. It's so beautiful.
That connection that happens when we talk to each other. Gabby, like we had a conversation, I want to say like two years ago or whenever at birds. I don't know if you remember that. Yeah. No, I remember hanging out. What was the conversation?
Just like the convo about like navigating, like being by and like in, cause like I got, I'm married now. You know what I mean? And like, I just felt so much encouragement from that conversation. But it's real. Like those, no, I mean it. The moments that we have when we talk to each other about like, this is what my life experience is. This is what I'm going through. You realize one, you're not alone, but that also like you can learn from how other people live their lives or things that they're doing that you didn't know was even possible. You're like, oh, that's a thing. Oh, it's great.
Especially as a bisexual to talk to other bisexuals. Because you feel a little like, like sometimes you're just like, I don't, okay, but I'm in this world, but I'm in this world. Like what's going on? And you feel a little like, I don't know, fuzzy. And then you talk to another bisexual and you're like, thank God you're here. Right?
Like, oh, I'm not alone. I'm not alone.
Yeah, that that's so crazy. I have my uncle who I grew up with was the only gay person in our family. And it was so like quiet and hush hush. And like he would bring his roommates to Christmas. Yeah.
And he so we never got to talk like my brother and I are both gay. And he was also gay. He ended up killing himself.
Yeah. And and this was only like a couple years ago. But I'm like, I was living in LA he was also living in LA. Yeah. And I think like, we're so close. But like, something keeps us from talking to each other. Yeah, it's crazy that like the family stuff how how autopilot you can go with. Yes, totally.
And I think like there's an older generation of queer people who haven't healed. Yeah, I mean, I can only imagine watching two young gay people grow up in the family and be more out and not reaching out to them.
Or you know what I mean? Oh, my god. I like when I like my young my younger fans who are just like on Instagram being like out with their pronouns, whatever. And I'm like, Oh, this is post glee America. It was like pre glee. Yeah.
Get out of here with that. And it's like, yeah, there are still things that you can work on even as like an out person. There's still ways that we find to like isolate ourselves.
Yeah, I have one out gay family member who is like, I think he's my my dad's cousin. And he was literally described to me as a black sheep.
We like didn't know him. He like never came around.
He he owned like a chocolate store in the city. And once I once I was living there, I, I went to work there for like a week. And it was Yeah, it was kind of bizarre, because it was just like, I needed a job. And he was like, you should come work here.
And I think a part of me, I, I wasn't out yet. And there was a part of me that was just kind of like curious and like went there to kind of, like, suss out this thing that like, I didn't even realize I was doing fully at the time. And then I didn't take the job because it was like $8 an hour. But but I, you know, I see what he lowballed you. Sounds like black sheep to me.
There was they never they didn't like him, not because of the gay stuff. They were just like, that guy's cheap as hell. Was he queer? Was he like, yeah, yeah.
Oh, wow. That's so crazy.
There's so many people that fall through the cracks and families. I feel like we could all find someone that's in our family that we're like, Oh, yeah, no one talks to them.
Yeah. And the ways that you can just even as an adult, just still operate with your child mind, and like not even ask questions. You know, where when you're out in the world, you can be so sharp and aware and clocking gay people left and right. But like, when it comes to your own family, you're just like, what my parents told me when I was a kid is real. Yeah. And that's all I know. We do things this way. And it's like, you can rock the boat at any time. You are like a full individual. And you it just takes an email. Like, right? Yeah. I feel like I became empowered, though, when I was like, Okay, I haven't been smoted yet. Whatever.
No one has smited me.
I was like, I'm like, I feel like God like would be like cool with love. Like, yeah, of course. Right. And then like I like I remember going to like gay church.org and being like, Okay, I'm not gonna like I'm not crazy. Whoa. So cute. This website that existed at the time. But like, I like getting rid of like all of the like shame or whatever it was that I was feeling around any sexuality. Like I was just like, Oh, here's the world. And I can do what I want. And I can follow like my instincts and my intuition. And like, with every like every facet of my life, I was like, Oh, like I went into a college thing, I was going to be a veterinarian. Right. And then I like took black feminist thought around the same time that I was coming out. And I was like, Oh, I'm okay. Like, yeah, totally. This is this is what I want.
Yeah, what a helpful class to think. Oh, yeah, we were reading The Color Purple by Alice Walker. But you could have also been the most radical veterinarian of all time. Yeah, true. I think about that.
Like black owned feminist veterinarians office. How do you not call this dog a bitch?
Get out. Okay, great. Well, we are going to move on to our segment.
Each episode, we have a haunted word, you know, a scary, creepy, crawly little word for us just to discuss. Today, it is beard beard. What does it make you think of? Oh, every time someone says beard. Oh, beard. Okay, I know what it makes me think of. Yeah.
My parents asked me to bring a beard to my dad's birthday beard to your what? My dad's 50th birthday.
No way. Yeah, and she is my best friend. And my mom asked me, would you bring her just so that we can make it seem that way?
No, when was that? I was already I mean, of course, I was out there. They're asking me to do this. That was I mean, I was probably like, maybe 2019 years old. Just newly come out, maybe been out for like a year.
And my parents, you know, we did the big fight. We did like the big silence. We did the moving on, but like nothing was readdressed in a real way. So yeah, that's what that's what they wanted. And it really it really bummed me out.
But I was going to bring my friend anyway. And I brought her along with me. But I hope I haven't asked them since I hope they didn't tell anyone that she was my girlfriend at the time.
Also, like it was so just, we got there and there were like three gay waiters. And the whole time me and the gay waiters were just like, it was actually like it was actually kind of beautiful, because by the end of it, I was like really upset.
I left. And then I had just called her because it was like, I couldn't really talk to them about I certainly couldn't talk to them about it like at the party. So afterwards, I left and I was just like on this really long walk.
And I called my mom and I was like, Hey, like, I can't do that. I can't do this. And and it took that for her to realize like, okay, I'm fucking up. And I have to stop. Yes. I have to let it all go.
And she really, really truly did like from that phone call. So yeah, so it was like being like made to like have a beard for one day for my dad's birthday.
How dare you?
Yeah, it was just great. It like it was like it was the breakthrough that I needed with my parents. That is so great.
Yeah, I the word or the like the idea of beard is so shocking to me, because I do feel like it's kind of like straight people's straight people are so obsessed with the concept of a beard, because I think it involves them. How could I be tricked by a gay person? It's like, I don't think I ever had a beard.
I think I sincerely tried. Yeah, like, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, relationships that I had with men as like, I was just had a beard and I like, manipulated them or something like that. I'm like, Oh, you're leaving out so much care there. Yeah. And self finding and no one knows exactly who they are. So don't you know, and the whole time of being in the closet, it's not just like you're not only stopping yourself, you're also starting what you think you're supposed to be doing. Yeah.
And it's like this twofold thing and you lose on both ends. And you're only doing what you think you're supposed to do. And you hope that people are compassionate about it in the end.
But sometimes they aren't. And people sincerely don't know, like, yes, like friends of mine who've come out way later in life, they really just I mean, I don't understand that, because I knew when I was younger, but they just did not know.
Totally. Oh, absolutely.
There's so many factors that can go into not knowing your sexuality at like a young age or, you know, yeah, so they weren't trying to fool anyone. Yeah, I didn't know. It's interesting, though, like being kind of sort of in the fluid space in between of like, no, like having had friends who have like gotten with someone of the opposite sex as a way to like hide their sexuality.
But like also being by like both people that I've dated, like, I feel like people have been like, Oh, is that a beard for Yasmin? And I'm like, I like both yards and mustaches.
Like there's no cover. There's no hiding.
Like I've always like from the moment, not from the moment, but like, I was like, okay, I'm bi. And yeah, all right. And like, once I embrace that, like I was able, like I don't have fear in the world, no matter who I'm with, but I've been at pride before. And like had someone be like, Hey, straight couple, like, what are you doing here? Yeah, I hate that. And it's like, I'm very much still a part of like the family and the rainbow. And yeah, but I also don't hide that part about myself in anything like I'm like unapologetic about it. Yeah. But like, so I can't necessarily personally relate to the idea of a beard. Because it's like, I do both. Yeah, yeah, I guess. Yeah, but I do have mustache and what I would not do with like a twirly mustache. Oh my god. Yeah.
If a beard is someone you're using to look straight, what is a mustache? Like a really, like a really skinny person. He needs to bulk if he wants to be a beard.
Yeah. This is just my mustache. We're working on it. He's at the gym all the time. Yeah. That is really interesting though.
The idea of like optics as like appearing straight or something like that. I think that all the time, I've definitely considered like, I don't know where I am on the gender scale, but depending on where I go, it's like, will I end up a straight person? Land of a straight white man. Interesting. Now is the time for a straight white man. Yeah, definitely do that, Ally. Never really become a straight white man.
I'm just like, that's so interesting. Yeah, knowing like what people, will I end up with a partner who only saw themselves with men? Will that hurt? You know what I mean? Unsure of like what that feels like, but yeah, I think that's so interesting to be at Pride.
Pride is a mess already. I'm like, who's looking at who? Who's shit based? Let's talk about it.
We need a new pride that is like a sweet like town hall meeting of just all the gay people in that city. Queer only town hall.
The comment section on that one. Oh yeah, ready. Great. Okay, we are now going to go into my favorite part of the show.
User submitted questions. If you're watching at home, thank you so much for submitting questions. We really appreciate all your like thoughtful effort in submitting questions. If you haven't submitted yet, we always put up an anonymous survey that you can answer. So if you're maybe in the closet or you know, you just don't want to attach your name to something, feel free to ask a question.
All right. Here we are. Official, official. We have some gorgeous questions.
This one comes from someone named Brad. Oh, hi Brad. Hi Brad. I recently came out to my mom. Congrats. Brad is British.
I recently came out to my mom, but I was drunk at the time. I'm glad I did it, but I have this gross feeling that I failed myself. Is there a wrong way to come out? Oh, no, I don't think you failed yourself. I think do it again sober.
Totally. But also that's a hilarious story that I'm sure you'll love. Like when you're older, you'll be like, that was very funny. Yeah. Might not seem funny now, but it's, trust me, it's funny. Yes.
The, I don't know. There's a, I don't know if there's a wrong way to come out.
I always wish I, I like what started doing stuff on the internet and started like acting and doing all this entertainment stuff. And I was already out. Like I just was already, I would talk about it freely. And now I'm like, God, I could have monetized that coming out YouTube video that would have gotten like 6 million views.
Are you kidding me? I could have like saved it for like an exclusive at like, at like a magazine. Brad, take, take notes.
I didn't make any money off my coming out. I'm broke and gay. I should have had a tearful video that was 18 minutes long and would have made me so much money.
That is interesting. Do you guys watch any YouTube videos? Like I, that's how when I was first like, I'm definitely trans because that's all I would watch when I had the privacy of my own YouTube moment. Was it videos of trans people coming out?
Yeah. Trans people being like, I started T and this is what it looks like. Or I started estrogen. This is, you know, in like day in the life. And I was just like, I just think it's interesting. 14 hours later. Yeah. Exactly. You're like, I'm not alone. And like, what brand is that? Yeah.
Oh, I just watch exclusively like gay YouTubers and it's also great or gray and trans YouTubers. And it's also great because I think when I was growing up, there was no, you weren't able to see any queer people and now you can just hop on YouTube and see a million of them. And then someone's like, why is every YouTuber gay? And I'm like, Oh, I don't know. You like, you just are feeling lonely and you want to make videos in your room and try to like reach other people seems pretty gay.
Yeah. Also, how come nothing else is gay? Like who has a choke hold on what makes it to like, exactly, exactly. Yeah.
I remember the first coming out video on YouTube that I watched was wild because like I guess it just like YouTube wasn't like that pervasive at the time that I was coming out. So when I saw the first one, it was like I at that point had already been out and it blew my mind because they like stopped and he's on the phone with his dad. And then he like chickens out for a second. He hangs up and I'm like, Oh my God, like I cannot believe I'm allowed to like being invited to watch this. Like I couldn't imagine like coming out was like the scariest thing I thought like would ever happen. And it kind of was actually.
You should get paid to do it. You should all be paid to do it. Gabby's now our accountant.
Yeah. Get paid to come out somehow. How was coming out for you? What was it? Yeah.
So bad. No way.
Tell me it was a full fight. Well, I tried to come out to my parents when I was like 12. And this was like around the time I was like seeing all these hot dancers tied up. And I came home and I told my mom I was at rehearsal that day and I had seen two men kissing by a vending machine. And I was like just destroyed over it. And I told her about it and I tried to start this conversation.
And then it was just very quickly was like, Oh, don't worry. No. Oh, no, no, no, no. And I was like, okay.
And then it wasn't until like probably like six or seven years later when my mom found porn on my computer. Your fault, mom, like I tried to tell you when I was 12.
It was so cute. Yes. You thought like two guys kissing at a vending machine was bad. Like, get ready for my hard drive. Like Jesus. So yeah.
And then yeah, and then it was just like, and then and then I was like, but don't tell dad, which is like, so like understandable, but also like insane. Like, we're not going to tell her husband that their baby that they made is there's a really big important thing. There were like three people that I was like, I'll never tell them.
Yeah. And only one person is on that list. So really, well, so it was like, I'm never going to tell my dad, I'm never going to tell my wrestling coach, and I'm never going to tell my dad's like, I feel like he wouldn't have to tell you. Yeah. Who's left on the list? Never going to tell my girlfriend. Oh, okay. So like, she's like, I mean, but also they divorce. So that one took care of yourself, right? Wow. So I'm not as close with my dad. So it was never really an issue.
I was just like, Oh, I'm coming out to my mom done. But then for me, it was my youth pastor. It was like a full on father figure and was like, wildly, like evangelical, like by the book religious. And I had to come out to him on at a summer camp that I was a counselor for last day or first.
So thank you. You know, you know what's going on. It was honestly the hardest thing ever, because with my mom, she called me and was like, I think your brother might be gay. And I said, I think I might be too.
And she was like, Oh, my God, what a great way. She was fine. It was great.
So then this like youth pastor, I go to be, I was doing stand up at this at this church camp. I was like the entertainment. And then I also got to be a counselor. I was an amazing counselor.
Were you wearing a bolo tie? I, how dare you?
I feel so seen in a gross way. Of course I was. Um, so I'm there. It's like midway through the week. I'm like, this is like in Michigan.
I'm like, I need to come out to this guy. It's really important to me that I like have closure and come out to these people.
And it was really like torn up about it. Because I was like, this could go so bad. Like, I don't know if I can face like a rejection far away from home, you know, and then just have to go home.
So part way through the week, this woman was like, are you okay? Like this really nice mom that was working there too. And I was like, no. And just like, of course, like burst into tears and was like, no, I'm carrying a lot of stuff right now. Told everything to her. She was so sweet.
And she was like, okay, don't tell him now because the church has a terrible like pedophilia, homosexuality, like he was, she was like, he might take you out of like your counselor position. Cause you're like in a bunk with teen girls, not realizing like I'm gay. I'm not into 15 year old women.
You know, it's a different thing. Yeah.
And so she was like, come out at the end of camp. She was like, wait until the very last day. Tell him on the way to the airport.
And I was like, I love you. This is like this woman. Yeah. It was the best advice ever. I was like, oh my God.
I can't imagine being stuck at a camp and just being like, I know you don't fuck with me. Yeah. That's the thing. I'm like, you have no reason not to like me. And I'm, but I just know that you won't now. It's like, why would you deny yourself the pleasure of my company? Yes. Why would you like, but that's on you.
Ghosted all those people. I like full ghosted. I grew up religious as well. I full ghosted everyone.
And then just like became internet famous. And then they found out that way. Just a full ghost. And then if they look at my Instagram, yeah, kind of the same thing. Like not, not Instagram famous, but I didn't, I came out to my extended family like through the grapevine.
Right. And I didn't ever say one gay thing to them until they came and saw me do stand up. And it was like 10 minutes of like, so I'm gay. Yes. Oh my God.
And my parents, I did, I did jokes about being bisexual in my stand up and my parents like were, they thought I was joking. And then when I was in college, I was like out of a brisk with my dad and he would, I was, he's like, what's, what's wrong with you? You're in bad mood. And I was like, oh, I'm just having trouble with this girl. And he was like, what? And then we went into another room and I like came out to him again and he was like, Oh, and it was like, I thought it was a bit, truly he thought it was a bit. And I was like, why would that be a bit?
He's like, I'm listening now. I'm so sorry. I just, I'm listening now.
And then my mom, I've been out for 10 years and I, my mom came to visit and me and her, my younger sister is very straight and we were hanging out and she was like, your younger sister has such beautiful nails. Why are your nails so short, Gabrielle?
And I was like, oh, and my sister was like, I need to leave. I need to leave.
And I was like, you're staying for this. And I was like, mom, I have sex with women. And she was like, Oh, and then I was like, I've been out to you for 10 years. What did you think I did with my girlfriends? And she was like, just like hang out and talk. I guess it never occurred to me that you would be having sex with them. And I was like, that's what, that's what gay is. And she, I know that's conceptually, but I didn't know it like actually.
And my sister was like, can I leave now? No, you're staying here.
My mom was like, Oh, so like they can get it. It's like coming out as like in phases where like my parents like got it in different ways at different times over the past, like course of 10 years. I hope my parents never get it.
I'm like, you can know why I'm in love with. I'm gay as a TV show and I'm on it. No, my daddy's like dead ass.
That's all you need to know.
My sister was like, when you came out, it was the best thing because it meant that I could do anything. So like, my dad was like super homophobic when I came out. And then like, I like, you know, was dating men and women. And like he, I think got used to it and was like, all right, fine. And then I met my husband and he was like, Oh my god. He was like, but he sent me a like, I sent him a video of like, these fathers who went to pride with their gay children. And I was like, if only like, I just like sent it to him.
And he's like, Yazzie, are you trying to tell me something? I'm not doing this trauma again. Yeah. And by you know this, you know this. Oh my god. Are you trying to tell me something?
Nigga, get out of here. We're done here. We're done.
So he would probably never go to pride with you. No, it's real messed up.
I feel like my mom would, she would be nervous. My parents would be so into it. It would, I actually don't want them. Like they would paint their faces. Like it would be too much.
My parents are very, like, like very, very leftist to the point that like, I think they really love me being queer because they can go on Facebook and argue with people and go, well, my gay daughter, like that, like they love it. Like they have like LGBTQ for Hillary on their front lawn. My mom, the background on my mom's phone is a rainbow.
I said, why? She's like, for you. I said, I don't live here. My mom has a rainbow flag in her basement. Like so many levels of like, why? She's like, I will be as loud as you need me to be underground. She lives on Staten Island. Oh, yeah, she doesn't want to get like hate crimes.
Yeah, I don't know. Not a joke anymore. Okay, final question.
How do you all feel about the difficulties of creating queer characters when writing or acting? It seems that when you have a character and they are on some level of queer, you get people asking why a character has to be gay or if it's an old character and there's no indication that that person is queer until after the fact, people get mad about that character being like reconned, like with Dumbledore when people are saying like, oh, Dumbledore was gay.
Yeah. Well, I'm a terrible writer, so I have bigger problems than that.
Every character should be gay. Every character is gay until proven straight and even then they're bisexual. Yeah, I'm sorry. Every single character is queer.
You know what?
When it's like one queer person in a show and all the other friends are straight. And I'm like, who are that person's real friends, right? They go home and have different friends because there's no way every person in my life is queer. I only have queer friends. There is no way that that person hangs out with only...
You find each other. You at least want to find community.
If every single character in something I write is queer, that's actually more realistic than if there's just one queer person. Totally. Because that would be their actual friends. It would be nice though if the default was, we don't know, let's find out what that person's sexuality is. But it's all default straight.
Every character is bisexual. Every character on every show is bisexual.
You can fucking quote me. I tweeted one time. I was like, if I... Reba McEntire? All of them. I tweeted.
I was like, if I ever write something, which I write all the time, but I was like, anything I write and every character I ever play as an actress, please assume they are bisexual. I don't care if my character is like the main girl in a rom-com and my whole storyline is a dude. I am bisexual.
That is my gift to you. Every person who's a fan of me. Forget it. I'm writing, I wrote a comic book that comes out in October and every character is queer and I don't care. Every single one. But fight me. Totally.
Yeah, I wrote a pilot where everyone was gay and the biggest note was like, everyone's gay? And it was like, okay, yes. When you're gay, you want to pick a lot of gay friends. Everyone. I wrote a YA novel that came out a couple years ago and I went to Emerson College, which by the way, the unofficial slogan is gay by me or your money back. And everyone was like... My half of the book, I wrote it with another girl and my half took place at Emerson College and they were like, every person at this college is gay.
And I was like, it would be unrealistic to my experience if there was a straight person in my side of the story. I'm sorry. So you want to talk about how it's unrealistic that every character is gay. Every character or any character being straight at Emerson would be unbelievable to anyone who knows Emerson.
But how do you guys craft a queer character with care? How would you go about that?
They're just a person and then they have this... I like kind of late, not late coming out, but in the comic book, the girl is bisexual the whole time and then she's got this male love interest who's very macho. I'm spoiling the thing. But anyway, basically, he comes out later in the book and I just like to be like, yeah, you already know him and you had thoughts and assumptions about him and suck it.
But I do love that notion of including queer narratives and everything. And I think the care comes from really wanting to see the characters that I wanted. Toni Morrison says, I write the characters that I wanted to read. I'm like, these are the stories I want to see. I want to see the brown girl fall in love and not have that love be tarnished or have them die or some horror movie. I just want to see it work out. I think it's infused with women I've dated, women I know, women myself. Often a lot of my own narratives show up in my creative. I think that care comes from that, but also knowing that the next generation is going to come to this and this will be their salvation potentially. I'm like, I have to be honest with this character. I have to give it love and care and make sure that it's a story that I want, the story that I need.
I wouldn't even know how to write a straight character. My friend and I wrote, we're writing straight characters in a sketch and literally the straight man just had a line where he was like, we do that every Sunday at the bar watching football.
And she and I were like, good job. We did a good job. That's definitely what a straight person would say. We were like, good work. We write really believable male characters.
Last year, I read a book called A Little Life by Anya. Y'all, if you stop watching this right now, that's awful to say, but like A Little Life is so good. It's the best book I've ever read.
Really? Oh my God. I mean, I don't read a lot. It's pretty high up there. I love this. No, it's more Harry Potter than this.
Yeah, it's a great representation of- So nuanced. Queer men. And it's a mix of every identity. And that's what's so great about the story.
Just go read that. Oh my God. I am actually going to- It's the most powerful book. Oh my God. Okay, great.
Well, before we go, where can anyone find you? What do you want them to see of yours?
Sure. I am on Twitter and Instagram at heyjaredhey. And you can watch me on Deku, which is a gay streaming app out on stage, which is an all queer stand-up series. Oh, cool. Posted by Zach Noe Towers. Oh my God. Love it. Yeah. Cool.
You can find me on Instagram and Facebook. Actually, let me not even lie. I don't post to Facebook.
So Yasmin Monet Watkins, Y-A-Z-M-I-N, Monet Watkins. I improv with my team, Obama's Other Daughters. We have a monthly show at UCB called Black Girl Magic. Every first Wednesday as a month.
Thank you. And I do spoken word too. So find me on the internets. Love it.
Gabby? I'm on Instagram at Gabby Road, which is a stupid Beatles pun. Because I didn't believe Instagram was going to take off. So don't listen to anything I say. And I'm on Twitter at Gabby Dunn, G-A-B-Y-D-U-N-N.
And then I have a YouTube show called Just Between Us. And I have a book that came out like a month ago called Bad With Money. And it's based on my podcast Bad With Money. And it's a finance show and finance book. But it's funny and queer and social justice-y. And you can watch me go from someone asking what is a stock to a full-blown socialist by season three.
Love it. Such a journey. Well, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you so much for watching. And we'll see you in a couple weeks. Bye. Hi.
It's me, Ally. Did you like that sketch? Well, you should think about joining Dropout. You can look us up on the Discord server and we can chat all the time. It's kind of like we're neighbors.
Who's Mr. Rogers? I've never heard of him. Weird. |
dropout | fanta_for_the_funny_episode_1 | When I'm home alone, I like to make up my own songs and dances Thank God Hi, can I speak the box? Remember purple nurples. Oh, yeah, purple nurples. Oh, what's purple nurple?
You had to be there Chris Oh Yo, happy Mother's Day. I don't got no kids. Yeah, I know what you've been up to though I mean you try to kick it what you're doing today. Bye, Daryl This one's called stir the macaroni I Like skate and I like to rhyme, but I can't really take for that the same. This one's called nails on a chalkboard I Just wanted to say that I love you Hey dad, can I get some gas money? Thanks, here's a dollar kid. Thanks mister. We don't take money from strangers. Give him his dollar back So did you sweep yeah Hey, I just want to introduce you guys to my dear sister When your mom says you can't drink the blood of your enemies I I'm gonna slide a number right across the table. Tell me if it's worth your while.
Is this a llama? I Love llamas.
Hey morning. Oh, I'll have a coffee. There's nothing in there. Yeah, I don't drink Wait, what?
Oh Let's go to Tim with the story. Oh gosh the story back to you Rick Tim the story back to you back to you Rick Bye to you Tim Am I on Back to you back to you Rick back to you Rick Rick We're at the scene where someone reported there being a gullible news reporter.
It's been four hours and no one showed up My god, please don't see me, please don't see Boys are so frustrating because how am I supposed to know if you like me if you don't even use an emoji Wait for it let it rain a couple times don't be too thirsty West you're fired Okay, we're done it's fine Wait, wait, oh I didn't think you'd actually stop now if our relationship is gonna continue. We need to get serious Aliens are real and I know people say their girlfriends their soulmate. There are billions of girls out there You're so much probably in China. That's why I don't even have a girlfriend Hey, man, what's up with the hat? Let me see man. It can't be that bad. They just took a little too much off the top Hannah it's funny. I see you here every time. Oh my god little Isabelle is getting so big People said to me all the time Demi you're the coolest guy.
I know what do you do for a living? I don't like to label my job. It's something Hotdogtown told the gardener. He had one job water Malone. What part of water Malone did he not understand? If you were someone you love took this drug and died call now You guys keep a secret.
Yes. Okay. Listen. Yes. I got to start with Ashley right? And normally she's like, hey girls going together I've been brushing my teeth in like three days. Oh, that's my Are you okay? My voice is a little horse. You gotta be kidding me I |
dropout | The_Dankest_CH_Sketches_Weed_Compilation | You're freaking out dude! Yeah you probably are because you're a little bit stoned, right? Well that's okay because I want to talk to you- hey whoa whoa whoa whoa, focus, focus. I want to talk to you about something that's important to all stoners, legalization.
Now before you start organizing a protest, get bored of that protest and go back to playing Mario Kart, take a second to consider that legalization may not be a great idea. Now I'm not talking about public policy or health, I'm talking about all the little things that are going to change. And you hate change, unless it's a new Doritos flavor. Think of all the people you don't want to smoke weed with.
I suppose I could partake in this doob. Oh dudes I'm so high right now. I'm so high right now guys, can we talk about this all night? Oh son, this stuff is so much stronger than the grass when I was your age, I mean it's like stupid. Oh you think smoking weed with your dad would be fun don't you? Well let me ask you this, have you ever gotten drunk with your dad?
Son. What? I see you seeing your cousin Maggie, I mean she's grown up, she's like- Oh gross! That's disgusting. Come on. Who's that? Mom. Ugh. If weed were legal, annoying stoners would multiply faster than an Asian kid at a mad contest? Dad! You're so racist!
Right now buying weed is super easy, some shady guy comes over, he mumbles something, you mumble something, you give him some money and that's it, bam, you're done, you've just bought weed and you didn't even leave the couch. But once weed is legal, well let me ask you this, when's the last time you enjoyed going to a busy Starbucks? Now do I want an ounce of Sour Diesel or Vancouver Sunset?
Excuse me, I'm sorry, this is not crushed. You missing our shady guy yet? Thank you. Okay so that is $299 for the ounce plus local tax, state tax, federal tax, that comes to $973. What? Who will grow this legal weed? It won't be someone who spends all day in an underground bunker tinkering and crossbreeding trying to create the stickiest of icky, no, it won't be someone like Mitch here. Hey, no names man. I'm sorry. No, it's going to be mass grown by some Iowa farmer with a government subsidy trying to get the most product for the least cost. A little bull semen and some HGH, you put that on your soil it'll cripple your yield.
Plus think of the children, look, teenagers are always going to do illegal drugs to be cool, right? So do we really want to make the one illegal drug that's not harmful and not addictive in any way suddenly uncool?
This is stupid. Let's smoke this dog shit instead. I hate my dad. Look, smoking weed should be fun and it shouldn't really be a crime, but are we as a society really ready to deal with the repercussions of making it legal? Instead, I propose this as an alternative.
How about the cops just leave us stoners alone and let us get back to doing what we do best? Nothing. Cops? Did you say cops?
He's got a gun! Don't go and take me alive! Come on! They're on the ground! 420, baby!
Finally. I have been so stressed out lately, I just need something to calm me down and chill me out. Totally. Yeah. All right, look, I got OG Kush. I got Silver Haze. I got Trainwreck. Okay. Trainwreck is going to be a little too intense for me. I guess I'll go with OG Kush. Stop. Do not make a decision yet. My partner works at a dispensary. I have so much stuff for us to try. Okay. You got any Indicas? Yeah, totally. Inda, cut off your arms. We also have everyone knows all your secrets, Haze, and what you're doing is illegal Kush.
Oh, also OG Chernobyl. Chernobyl?
Yeah. It's kind of like a really sleepy high, just really relaxing. Do you have anything like Rainbow Dream? Are you serious? No, no. I don't have anything that hard. Honestly, that was crazy that you even asked for that. Any sativas?
Hell yeah! Here, this one is perfect. Really mellow, but you can still get a lot done. Oh, perfect. That's exact... Yeah, it's like really heady. How about something more in the euphoric realm? Oh, totally.
Here, you will love We Will Pluck Out Your Eyes With Toothpicks perp. No. This is Your Biggest Mistakes, Kush. Uh-oh, everyone can hear your thoughts. You forgot how to speak, Haze. You've got OG Wow, Your Hands Really Are Big, and a Spike Lee joint. Oh, that sounds good. Starring Mel Gibson. Oh, never mind. Let's see, lost both of your feet in a car accident, Kush. Pussy vomit.
The LA Times. That's just the newspaper. You're supposed to read it, not smoke it.
What? This has been getting me high as fuck. Is there any strain that isn't named after an ailment or a disaster? Of course. I have... How did you do that? Then I also have CBD beads. That's not going to get you high.
OG wet dog food. Smells like ass. Uh, my ass. Oh no, that was it. My personal ass. OG my ass. Should have seen that coming. My ass, Kush.
Rule of threes. Based on the novel Kush by Sapphire. That weed is based on a book. Maya Ganjaloo. That's disrespectful. Wap babaloo bap, wap bam cannabis.
Why? Grant O'Brien. How did he get... Anyway, this was in somebody's colon.
Daddy Danky. Gross. Dogfish head, 90 minute IPA. Boring. Tuck into the dankness. That's nerd shit.
Rat poison. That's just rat poison.
Oh, good eye. And the Denver Nuggets. Is that mellow? No, you got traded. No, I'm asking you. Not the play...
Okay, look, I thought it would be fun to get high at the office, but clearly I was wrong. These names are really bumming me out.
Yeah, I get that. I know where Katie keeps her cocaine. Oh, I'm down.
Nope, I've never smoked marijuana. Smoked a lot of other things, but never marijuana.
This smells like my daughter's room. Grass, grass. I first heard about grass in the 1940s. I hear it makes you lightheaded and dizzy.
Okay, stop. Are you guys just three dudes dressed up as old ladies to get free weed? What? I've always been curious about it, so why not? So I said to these two old birds, how about instead of playing bridge today, we go down and smoke the devil's cigarettes? Okay, enough. Let's just get this over with. Oh, my. How on earth?
Is this wacky tobacco in the car or sativa? Because my grandson says sativa makes me paranoid.
I can't stop smiling.
You didn't get any snacks? No. Why wouldn't you get snacks?
I wish I had like a super cold necroin. Oh, fuck. That would be good. My favorite comedian is Bob Hope. Oh, my. I could get used to this.
What's your lady's favorite part about being retired? I like being able to knit and sew and what's the knitting but with hooks? Hooking. I like calling my congressman and complaining about things he can't change. I like that I don't mince right anymore.
You seriously not get any water at least? I don't know. I feel like...
All of us have old lady names. I have a name like Agatha. I'm Mrs. Deathfire. I'm Gale.
You ever think about how when you get old, all your friends start dying? Fuck. What do you mean when you get old? I thought you were old. You have like no children.
Do people tell you that? I had a fabulous time. Thank you. Do you have your medical card or how'd you get this? Yeah.
Does this look like a crab? Oh, my God. It looks like a crab. Oh, lady. Like a fucking crab, people.
Okay, you guys have to go. Oh, all right, dearie. As soon as we get paid. This is the internet. We're not paying you. You motherfuckers. I'm misoccupied.
It's morning! Today's the... Oh, boy, oh, boy! It's finally here! So excited! It's 4-20! Yay!
So we managed to come last night and left with all these presents! Dinky Dow, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Alien, it's all here! Because it's exactly what we ordered from the dispensary!
And look, he ate all the dank-ass brownies we left him. That's actually way too many brownies.
Are you enjoying this special day? Oh, we love it, Weed Man! It's gonna be just like every other day. We're gonna get high! Yeah, yeah, man, yeah! Have you all been good little stoners this year? Oh, yes, we have. We've been such good little stoners, we cleaned our bowls. And we always share, even with our friends who never bring their own. Aw, that's cool as hell!
Weed Man, I have an uncle in Ohio who says that weed is bad and that no one should ever smoke it. Is he right? Why do so many people not see that weed is good? Dude, your little uncle is wrong.
In this great universe, man is but a mere insect in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him. I mean, think about ants for a second. Really, just like, have you ever really just thought about ants? There's this one guy that told me that there's one million ants per person in the world. That is so many ants.
Uh, Weed Man, can you get back on track? Oh, right, yeah, sorry. Yes, dude, weed is good!
Alas, how weary the world would be if there were no weed. There would be no late night pizza deliveries, no jam beans, no one asking important questions like, can dogs read our minds? The eternal light which lights each spliff would no longer fill the world and be extinguished.
A thousand years from now? Nay, dude, no. Ten times ten thousand years from now? Weed will continue to make glad our hearts and get us stoned off of our asses.
What was I talking about? Have I been talking forever?
Thank you, Weed Man. Thank you for everything. Specifically, thank you for bringing us weed. And I will always be there for you. Unless, of course, I get too high before work and I can't go to work.
In which case, it'll be the other guy. Kyle.
Hey! That's the spot for me. And I'm gonna get in it. Cool couch you guys got here. This is great. Oh, are you staying? Oh yeah, I'm always down to hang. Yeah, you guys got video games? Yeah, no, it's just we're so busy today. Yeah, we have to clean our plate. Oh, cool, cool.
Well, don't mind me. I'll stay out of your hair.
Oh, look! You all have great taste. Look at this.
This is a really potent indica. It's very much a body high. It's really good. And this, this is so good for baking. I put these in some sweet crispy treats and they were so chill and good. It's like really nice.
I've had it. With you dumb fucks. None of you are getting up from your desks until you come up with one good sketch idea, okay? No, Grant, whatever you're gonna say, what are you gonna say? What is it, Grant? I live inside of a tree. Fuck! God damn it, Grant!
One sketch!
This is a full-time... Cool! So, what are you gonna do? So, uh... Y'all smoke blunts? Yeah, I have one on me right now. Do you guys wanna smoke mine? Man, that ain't no real blunt, man. Y'all don't know how to roll blunts, man. Let me roll something up real quick. That's awesome. Nah, nah, nah, hold up. I still gotta lick it first. Cool!
Is it? You're practically watering it like a sprinkler system. That seems really unnecessary. Geez, Katie, you jealous much? No.
Yeah, Katie, just because this blunt's cooler than yours doesn't mean you didn't even mean about it. My blunt was cool. It was cool. Don't worry, we're still using your weed. It smells expensive, too. How are you okay with this slobbery, slobbery blunt?
Now what are you doing? Are those Oreos?
Oh, man, this weed's so good, it's giving me the much. He's just smelling it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't, please, don't. Oh, God. It's just all over his teeth. This is gross! So freaking cool. No, it's not. How is this cool? He's just belated it. Look at his tongue moving.
This is what you have to do to roll a blunt. No, it's not. I've never once sucked off a blunt. Well, then you haven't rolled a good one. I can't use that and that's my weed.
His mouth's super clean.
All right. How y'all been getting down with tricks around here? Y'all a booty? No. What?
You lick booty? How come you ain't never licked a booty hole before? I have not licked a booty hole before.
You want to hit this? No, I absolutely do not want to hit that. That's disgusting. I'll take a hit.
Light it up. Oh, God. That's so sick. It's so cool it won't even light. You know what? It's all good. I got you. We can just use this ball. I just got to fill it up first. So freaking cool. Seriously, weed.
If it wasn't for you, I'd never learn how many desserts I could fit into one bowl. The answer is five and a burrito.
Hey, meth's also here. You know what the cool thing about meth is? That you can make it anywhere. Except in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Let's not be too hard on meth. He's the only drug who's aged five years since we cut away from him.
Oh, Jesus. Even I couldn't make that look good.
Well, guys, it's been a blast. And I look forward to seeing you all again at Andy Dick's Christmas party.
Weed. Weed, you pathetic excuse for a drug. Seriously, your users have less balls than steroids. Let's see who else we got here. Oh, Adderall. Is that you? Adderall, buddy. I haven't seen you since college. Everybody, Adderall. The only drug that makes you stay up all night so you can't have fun.
Yeah! And Opium. How the hell did you hear about this? Telegram? And look. Shrooms is here. Kind of.
Hey, ecstasy, give him a poke. Make sure he's still alive. I said poke, not a full body cavity, sirs. Jesus. My God, somebody tossed that kid a glow stick or something. Seriously, Weed.
I don't know what we'd do without you. Besides move out of our parents' basement.
Next up, don't call it a flashback. Straight from the pocket of your uncle's denim jacket. It's LSD. You know, the funny thing about Weed is there's always a giant spider demon standing three feet behind him. This next joke is just for the spiders under my skin. Alright, okay, moving on. Next up, he might not be the most popular drug here tonight, but he has the best celebrity endorsements. Give it up for cocaine.
Hey, yeah, I'm here. Just had to use the bathroom real quick. Peyote came all the way from Mexico to be here. He said the trip was really uncomfortable because he had a condom full of me stuffed up his ass.
Weed, you make Tim and Eric funny. Frozen pizza tastes good and fish sound like music. Is there anything you can't do besides get a job? Boop, boop, boop, boop. Weed, you may have a TV show, and meth, you may have a good TV show, but I had a whole decade.
She don't lie.
Me. It's Eric Clapton. Hey, what's up, everybody? It's me, heroin. When did you get out of jail?
Weed's here. Weed's so great, I bet he'd lend me $500. Meth's here. Meth's so great, I bet he'd lend me $500.
Are you wearing a wire? Everybody freeze! I didn't do anything wrong. Look, everyone here is over 21, except for Whippets, but he had a really good fake.
Shut up. You, tobacco, and Ambien can leave. Oh, thank God. Now, as for the rest of you, you're all going away for a long, long...
It's like being trapped in a NowThis video. First of all, it only ever comes up when I'm already smoking with someone. Bro, I agree, I am smoking it. You're preaching to the high choir. Second of all, it always seems suspiciously like blazing is the only thing that people that go on about this care about. There's a lot of fucked up laws, guys.
It doesn't look great that the only one you want to talk about is the law governing your hobby. And let's be clear, it's a hobby. It's a hobby. It's not an identity.
People make their whole thing the fact that they get high. They can only talk about different weed strains or a recipe for weed butter. Just smoke the pot you like and be done with it. Whether it's an indica day or a sativa day.
Too much. If I eat a quarter of this brownie now and a quarter of it on the plane, I will be sick. There are multiple, multiple weed dating sites.
The Jamaican flag is ruined.
Look, I smoke. I smoke.
Getting high rules. Lots of things rule. Sandwiches rule. A good sandwich with, like, really good mustard? That rules.
But I don't have people over to my apartment to just eat sandwiches. They just come over, and if we want to eat sandwiches, we do. Nobody needs to talk about sandwiches or make sandwich pants or listen to special music because they have a sandwich. If a person did those things, you'd think, oh, that person is fucking boring. I'm not going to hang out with them while I eat my sandwiches. It doesn't come up, though, because sandwiches are legal, which means eating a sandwich doesn't automatically make you subversive, so you can't use it as a stand-in for an actual personality.
So, America, let's do the same thing for pot. Legalize it. Make pot legal.
And we'll never have to talk about this again. Now is there something we can do about reggae? Reggae is fucking boring.
I think it's a lot of, oh, I got you a gift. Let me tuck you into bed, and I'm like, ooh, God, yes. So sign up for your free trial today, and it was so great meeting you. If you want to, like, share some of those candy bars or rewind sometime, you know, like, I am available, you know.
You get, like, 125. I can get 125.
I know. It's just an idea. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_84_gary_sweet | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, here we are on Desert Rock FM, Batooter Advocate radio show, you're joined by Clancy Overall and Errol Parker, editors of The Batooter Advocate, one of the most iconic Melbourne actors.
Can I say thespian? Do you like that term? Oh dear.
Very sweet. Thank you for joining us. Very sweet. Thank you for joining us. G'day. It's an absolute pleasure to be here. Absolute pleasure.
Now, you've been acting for how many years now, 30, 20, 20 years? 40. Your whole life. 40 next year. 40 next year, my whole life.
You're a child stone. That's right.
No, 40 years next year. 40 years next year.
Have you got one of those stories where you're kind of like Paul Hogan fell into Or were you chasing that? Kind of a bit of both, really. Bit of both.
You know, people say, oh, I never wanted to be famous, I wanted to, you know. Yeah, I wanted to be famous.
Because what happened was I was playing football in South Australia, AFL football, South Australia. And we were, I had a group of mates in that footy team, probably half a dozen of us. And we were regularly on South Australian television. So we had kind of some limited public visibility, you know, that was effective in those days at, you know, nightclubs and stuff like that.
Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. Special guests, VIP booth. Great. Yeah. Once again, special guests. It's always us. Yeah, people are going, oh, no. Not them here. And the Rams. Yeah. Straight after the football match. Yeah. From across the road. Yeah. Thank you very much.
Try the wheel. So I just figured, you know, that I wanted something more than that. And that if I could get onto national television, that would probably really piss the rest of them off, you know.
So when I finished university, I went across to Crawfords. This was Adelaide, of course. Went to Crawfords, you know, late December and said, hi, Gary Sweet from Adelaide.
Might be an actor. And guess what the response was. No, really. Guess. You hired. No. Yeah. They showed me the door. Come back next week. Yeah. They said, look, they said a couple, a few things.
They said, you know, it's very interesting and we do have an experience, I said, no. Do you know any one in the business? I said, no. They said, do you have an agent? I said, an agent? Why would I? They said, an agent. Oh, no. What is an agent?
They said, do you know what date it is? I said, oh, it's the 22nd of December, isn't it? I said, yes. They said, we're not making anything now. So when will you be making something? They said, oh, about this time in January.
I said, okay, I'll wait. And they go, what? I said, I'll wait. They go, where? I'll go here. They go, no. I said, yes.
So I sat there and it kind of came up in a De Niro movie called The King of Comedy. Yeah. Have you seen it? Where he says Rupert Pupkin and he waits. Yeah, yeah. I waited for about three hours and the secretary kept looking up and seeing me and going, he's still here. He's still here. Right.
And then someone came out and gave me an audition out of curiosity, more than anything, which went something along these lines, but not like exactly this, but, you know, she said, read this. And I went, what's that up on the road? A head? She goes, you want to have another go at that? So your reading was letting you down. Oh, no, no. What's that up on the road? A head.
Yeah. Very good. Yeah. Very good.
She said, why don't you go back to Adelaide and we'll call you.
Okay. So I did. That is very Rupert Pupkin ass. It is, isn't it? Yeah. Waiting in the lobby.
But they did call, you know, I got this job teaching and the week before I'd broken my ankle playing basketball and I turned up at school and on the Wednesday they rang me and we're going to job for you. And I said, no, I got a job now. I'm fine. I got a job. It was just that time in my life.
Oh, we'll wait. What do you mean you'll wait until you say yes?
I went, ah. So I took a day off school, got the cast cut off, flew to Melbourne, got the gig and had to come back and resign from teaching after. I'm guessing you weren't married or anything at this point? No, no, no. It was pretty, you're pretty fluid in the way you're bouncing between cities.
That's correct. Yeah. It was, yeah. How did the principal of the school take it, you know? He didn't take it well because the only reason I got the job was because he was a life member at the footy club, you know, so he got into the, uh, he has a bit of a favour for you Gaz, you know, Luther. So how old would you have been? 22 I was. Yeah.
And what was that first role? I can't remember what the first role was. Were you perhaps playing another sportsman? No, no. I'll tell you what the first role was. Look, it was a movie and it was a particular director's first foray into regular type of movies.
Ah, right. Yeah.
He had made R movies. I'm not talking about any colour movies, like say blue movies, R-rated movies. Um, and he made this, uh, he made this horror film and, um, but when, uh, he discovered belatedly after we all had that, it was an absolute piece of shit. He cut in some, um, some more than, uh, more than explicit scenes that none of us had ever seen in the movie.
So when we went to see it, we're like, whoa, whoa, what's going on? Who are those people? Never seen before.
Anyway. Yeah.
So some weeks, I can imagine it's not my finest hour, uh, but, uh, but I was so green, you know, like I finished the movie and on the Monday I rang my agent and said, so, uh, where do I go? What do I, what am I, what am I starting on today? What's my gig?
You know, but, uh, you felt like a contractor, like a, yeah, I thought I'd just start another job. So then you go back to teaching and they were like, ah, no, it was so welcome back Gary.
Yeah. Well, the other thing too was, um, I mentioned before, you know, that, that photo I saw on your webpage of Joe hockey, you know, it looked like he swallowed that whole sheep. Well, I, I'd never, never had this film catering, you know, that film, that film she went for about six weeks and I, I stopped training and I started eating like for Australia. I started eating. Yeah. So when I finished, you know, you kind of like those FIFO miners who kind of get that, they call it the Bain-Marie 10 when you start working in the mines because you're not eating responsibly out of your own kitchen. You, uh, got a lot more bacon and eggs than you'd usually have.
Well that's exactly right. I did a movie last, last December in a place called, oh, what's it called in, um, Cracow. Yes. There you go. Yeah. And that's got one pub in the whole town. Yeah. It's owned by Fred Brophy. Correct. Yes. Went and saw the tech boxing. Right. Yes.
Do you have a go? I wanted to have a go.
Yeah. There was a bloke about my age called Chopsticks. Yeah. Chopsticks. Yeah. He's been, um, the bottom of many, many, uh, oriental jokes I imagine in Western Queensland. Yeah. I'm, uh, I'm glad that you didn't get to fight him though, cause he looked like he would rip my ears off. Yeah.
He's not bad.
But I think I still could have. Yeah. He might get a job. Yeah. 50, 50.
But anyway, um, we stayed in the gold mine there. All right. We stayed in the gold mine in Cracow.
Okay. So I'm familiar with the Bay Marine. Yeah. And loving it. Noel, do you, um, get a bit of that now when you, you're going away, like as we were talking about before, a bit of time in Broome recently on the next season of Mystery Road. Yes. Do you do well living out of a briefcase? Yes. Is that just an act? Is that part of the job? I reckon. Yeah.
I always, I'm not good at packing. Um, 60 business shirts and three pairs of underpants.
Ties. Yeah.
I don't think there'd be many actors who are very good at packing. No, it's not.
But I was like, if I under pack, I swear the next time I'm going to take something. Cause you know, I did this film with Broken Hill, you know, and it was boiling hot, but no one realises it's freezing cold, you know, in the morning. Fortunately I won 200 bucks on the pokies and went and bought myself a decent warm jacket, you know, because, but you forget about that stuff. Then the next time you go and you pack, pack three suitcases, you got way too much.
You never wear anything. You know, I'm one of those blokes that wears, you know, 5% of my clothes, 90% of the time.
Yeah.
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It was funny you're saying before with the color, the color movies, the blue movies, cause you don't hear that. You don't hear that do you?
No, but we were in a Burke and we were having a feed in Burke, it's a Chinese restaurant in the Burke bowls club and we're sitting by chopsticks because he does own quite a fleet of them. Yeah. Yeah, they do. Those old boxes actually do have a bit of money snatched elsewhere, but now we're in there and they've got the Chinese restaurant and we hear one of these old grain nomads walk up to the bar and go, excuse me, do you have wifi here? And the old guy goes, no, we did.
But then all the little kids, little townie kids watching blue movies out the back on the front lawn tap into the wifi watching porno. And they'd go through all the data and they just use it all up and they're like what the heck? All the little kids are just, cause the skate park's next door, so they're just on their phones with the unattended kids with tablets just watching full-blown pornography.
Well, I still don't know the difference between wifi and the internet.
That's probably a good thing. Yeah.
It's safer. Safer that way.
Now you went from doing pornography and then you transitioned into, at some point after the porno, you became a sex icon of sorts.
Yes. When was that? Do you reckon was that? Kind of. Yes.
I did Sullivan's was my next job and that's how I, yeah. So it was a three week gig and it turned into two and a half years.
So I actually learned to act like a trade, although I'd studied drama at Flinders Uni, you know, like most universities, including places like WAPA and no later and all that. And they really only teach you about theatre acting.
Yeah. Because it extended for that period of time, there were some very generous older actors on that show who, you know, gave me their, I just, look, the only thing I had going for me was I knew I couldn't act, I knew I couldn't. So I needed really to learn how to do it and quickly, you know, so it kind of helped your career in the end. Cause you weren't cocky about your supreme skill set. No, I was very, very pragmatic and realistic about the whole thing, you know, and so it was more of a cadet shit for you. Well, it was, yeah. And they were very generous with their time. Yeah. I learned about the technical side of acting, you know, in terms of where your light is and all that sort of stuff and all the things that you don't, they don't teach you today, you know, respect for the other actors and the script and all, you know, all that. So I came out of that with a, with a very good grounding in it.
Yeah. Well that was the home in a way of the eighties, I should say. Serialized drama last one. Yeah. But like there's been lots of people who've been, who've come out of that, you know, there's like, I think Susan Hannaford and Michael Caton. Kate, that's right. Yeah. Kate. Correct.
And Nonie didn't... Nonie was in it.
Yes. Mel. Did she come out of it? Did Mel Gibson do it? Yes. Mel was in it.
Yeah, he was in the Navy though. You learn something every day. So he wasn't in it, yeah. So that is kind of the real acting skill you'd say. There's no coincidence that Home and Away and neighbors have launched so many people to Hollywood because they learn theater at NIDA.
Correct. Yeah.
And then they learn how to act around... Well, I learned about the basic principles of television acting, which is very, you have to act fast and, you know, if you're learning lines quickly, act fast, hit your mark and, you know, basically...
And it can be expensive too. I mean, like if you're out on a location, you know, it's costing tens of thousands of dollars a day. And if you, if you muck it up, then, you know, you're going to have to get, you know, in trouble.
Yeah. It costs a lot of people a lot of money. Yeah. I know.
It's like Frank Three. Frank Three.
He was on Bodyline. Yeah. He played one of the English Lords. Yeah. Give us a lift home, sweetie boy. The car's got a flat tire, Frank. Sorry. You have to get a cab. Yeah. Frank apparently was shooting Ben Hur. Yeah. Right. Have you heard this story?
And he just went, he'd just been to see My Fair Lady like every night of the week. And he came back and the sunset shot where he starts a chariot race on top of the, you know, the coliseum, whatever it is, you know, he's supposed to drop the hanky and away they go. He's got some line, but you know, the sun's setting and William Wiley's got one shot at it. Frank, Frank goes, I'm growing accustomed to this race and dropped the, dropped the hanky. Cut. And Wiley made him turn up apparently for two weeks straight at 4am in his toga and didn't use him.
In response. Yeah.
Have you ever seen a job come down to one moment? In terms of a great moment or a disaster? Or is this is going to make or break the film and has it broken the film? I'm just trying to think. That's a difficult question. Well, you can imagine it was sometimes those big shots or those big long shots of those.
Yeah. Kind of get one shot at it, but. I did a really, a film I really liked with David Coppola called The Tracker, the Rofta Heer Shot. Oh yeah. At the end of the movie, I get hung. Hang. Do I? Yeah. Hanged. A person's hanged. Yeah.
A picture is hung. Well, could a person, oh no, it doesn't matter. A person can be a well pictured person.
Yes. As you were saying, sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Yes. That's right. Yes.
Yeah, I was hanged a number of times because, because we shot it on the side of a hill. We shot it at sunrise, you know, and it's such a, it's a really good shot with the sun coming up over this hill, you know, and so it looks a massive golden orb, much like the staircase to the moon in Broome. I had to hang there for ages before the sun came up because we didn't want to miss it, you know. So I was hanging from this tree that we built. Yeah.
There was no trees on this hill, but we built this giant tree. It was heavy enough, you know, the branches haven't been hanging from it.
So we got the shot that we wanted, but Rolf said, oh, we'll just do it again just to make sure. So we quickly get all the camera and all the crew further down the hill so that they could get the sun coming up behind me again. Oh, right, right. So you were racing down the hill. So I was in the same place, but they had to race down further down the hill to be able to capture as it was rising up behind me again.
So that would have been one shot that would have, yeah, he wouldn't have got.
Yeah. Can you tell us a bit about getting into Bodyline? It was it was a very strange part of the new wave in this country where you had basically one production house that went through and tried to remake every piece of modern Australian history within a decade, the Kennedy Miller. Yeah. Great. What was it like being one of the first cabs off, off the rank? And you were playing, you know, arguably the most revered character in Australian history at that point? Well, yeah. And I didn't kind of get it, you know? Yeah.
I mean, I played cricket as a kid. Sorry, the Don was alive while you played him. Yeah, he was. Yeah, he sure was.
Yeah. I'll get to that. I think you're getting my drift here. Yeah.
I went to Sydney for an audition, which consisted of a cricketing audition in the Metro, in the Orpheum Theatre there, or the Metro, whatever they call it, which is the base for George and the boys there. So we did, George Ogilvy was one of the directors and I took an instant shine to him. He was a fantastic director, incredible director. I did a miniseries with him sometime later with Jackie McKenzie called The Battlers in South Australia. But George is a great bloke.
It was a little bit kind of, I don't know, a bit mime, French mime and all that sort of stuff. Couldn't quite see the connection, but I was happy to go along with it because I just knew that I could play cricket and most actors can't play anything. Yeah, that's true. I just thought, all right, I hoped I'd get one of the 22 or 24 players. Were you a bowler when you were playing? I was an all rounder. Okay. Yeah, I was first changed and I batted at five.
Then we did the cricket audition, which was upstairs. They put nets upstairs in the theatre and then bowled with tennis balls at you.
So it was, you know. So I... They had some money back then, didn't they? Yeah, they did. They just threw money at you. Yeah. Fuck the eighties would have been great. So I just, I just played with...
Get to that later. Yeah, we'll get to that later.
Twenty weeks that shoot, 20 grand I got. Yeah, everybody just started, I started to bat. Like I, you know, I thought I've got to, I've really got to have a crack here, you know. So I just started batting like my friend David Warner and, or it did in the one day as opposed to the test. And hooks, you know, just played hooks and that. So the more I hooked them, the more they tried to bounce me. So everybody came to my net, started bowling as fast as they could and I didn't get out.
And then sometime later, they rang and said, you've got the part of Brabden. I really had no idea of the impact it would have on my career until much later, much, much later.
And I was just really happy to be there. And, you know, it was, Dean Samuels shot it, Dean Samuels won an Academy Award for Dancers with Wolves, shot all the Mad Max stuff, you know. It was really terrific.
We had our own team, you know, the body line team played in the association, you know. So we were batted in the order.
Yeah, right. Yeah. And then, you know, lots of things came from that, you know, various things.
David Hooks was a very close friend of mine. I went on tours with them. I played in celebrity matches, made a few runs. There's a particular story, might've been leaked to the Batutah Advocate about a testimonial you may have played at some point, either in the capacity of Bradman or Gary Sweet, but do you want to share that? I played in the Bradman 11 versus the rest of the world, but I played for the rest of the world, oddly enough, you know.
And I don't know why. It may have been because of that story I was going to tell you before, but I'll get back to that. Yeah.
And I just, I took a catch there, firstly, which was quite bizarre because we had so many players. Our captain was the Indian Sunil Gavaskar, you know, and we had some great players, Grant Pollock and, you know, Michael Holding and Joel Garner and Brian Lara. It was the game of Zoe Gospel, Brian Lara. We had too many players, so I was on, and he didn't know, he didn't get a clue, Gavaskar, you know, they didn't know who I was or whoever else we had, Ernie, I think Ernie played in my side. Anyway, they didn't have a clue, and we had too many players, so I said, oh, you can have a rest now.
They had no worries. It was about 180 degrees out there in the middle, you know, and 100% humidity. So I was quite happy to be here. What hopeful was it at?
SCG. Oh, right. Yeah. So I'm in there. The hell on turf. Yeah.
So I'm in the change room, and there's a few, you know, there's a few cold ones there, so I better have a couple of those because there's no chance I'll get back on. So I'm running the drinks, I'm running the drinks. He goes, are you back on?
So, oh, no, no. So holding's bowling, and Simon O'Donnell's batting, and he has this massive swing down to Long Island, which is where I'm fielding. And I saw the, I kind of saw the ball, saw the ball coming in the air. So I thought, oh, shit, that's me. So I ran forward about 30 metres and went, oh, you are kidding me, and then kind of ran backwards, and then came around the side of the ball, and then went up for an Australian rules football leap, took the catch, and there's a couple of backwards somersides. Richie said, what an incredible catch. Gonna be swiped.
So yeah, I kind of made a very easy, if I'd stayed where I was, I could have gone like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have pounced it. You went a bit theatrical. Yeah, I did. Oh, yeah. And you were three sheets to the win. I was. And as a result of that, they gave me, they gave me a bowl. And in came Tomo and fought Lily. Oh, right. Fought.
Yes, that's the nickname of the old Dennis. The last bit's old Tart.
You can imagine what the first bit is. But anyway, before the game, you had to fill in a sheet that said, what are you most afraid of? And I said, getting hit in the head by Tomo. Tomo comes in first ball, I bowled him with a looping little end swinger, straight through the gate, bowled first nut.
So there's people looking at Gary Sweet at this point, thinking, what's he not telling us about his past? Yeah, exactly.
Well, yeah, I played a few legends games in the AFL, and had a couple of holes in one playing golf. In fact, I won the broom open one year in the amateur event. I lived in Sydney on the sixth floor of an apartment block when a lawnmower.
Tremendous. Holes in ones are probably the biggest, most impressive of all those kind of... That's like getting a Powerball. I don't think I've ever tried that.
Now the aforementioned tale of the Don being... The Don.
Yeah. So we went to meet the Don after two weeks of shooting in Adelaide this time. Yeah. It was really an affirmation of what we'd already done. He flew down from Sydney, and George Ogilvy was so nervous that he had a drink at the Adelaide Airport bar, and he doesn't drink, so he was just like... And was it in the morning? Yeah. Yeah, it was about 11 a.m. So he was so nervous that he... He had a drink, yeah. Broke edge. Yes. Yeah. He must have been nervous. Yeah, so we got there, and Breville was great.
He was really, really interesting, but his wife was even more fantastic. What an absolutely beautiful person she was. So she was the star. Is that the... She was, yeah.
Now, bear in mind, I'd had some coaching by Leo O'Brien. He was in the other team. Well, he's in the same team, but Bradman was a Mason, all that sort of stuff. Leo was a Catholic, so there's a few of them.
So that's how old they were, that they used to care about that shit. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah.
So Leo told me a few stories. I had some batting from Leo. Leo is great.
He played for Perran here in the VFA, and they were hard little bastards. He was about five foot six. He had 48 fights, amateur fights.
You wouldn't be saying that now, would you?
Played in the VFA. Yeah, so he kind of gave me an idea of what Bradman was like, but Bradman picked us up. He drove us back to the airport, and he was great, but his wife was absolutely delightful.
Now, after Bodyline came out, he never spoke to me again, and I saw him a number of times at Adelaide Oval, and he gave him the big don't argue, you know? He doesn't even look. And Lady Jessie would come up and go, just ignore him, Gary, he'll get over it.
But I said, what have I said? Did I say something? What have I done?
And she said, well, you had a beer in one of the scenes after a win, you know? And I said, well, yeah, but that's what we call dramatic license. I said, it's not a doco, Lady Jessie, it's not a doco.
In fact, we had Harold Lawood as a coal miner who was practicing his bowling, bowling at lumps of coal at a fence picket. But in fact, he was a chicken farmer, which wouldn't have had the same dramatic impact. So I mean, he was a coal miner at one stage, but that's the kind of license you take. Like he might have done that once or twice.
Yeah. So there you go.
Yeah, but he didn't have it. He was an absolute stickler, so he never actually spoke to me. So he must have been a bit of a genius in terms of like a, what's the term, a very glass jaw kind of genius.
Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. So it's kind of like the Kanye of cricket. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. The Kanye.
Yeah, no. Don't say that. Silent treatment for the rest of your life. Don't show this to, I mean, don't send this to Kanye.
Mind gold digger. Because I've met, oh no. Who have you met? No, no. Come on, let's go down that line. You've met a Kardashian? No. What are you, crazy?
So that's all I was going to say. Now you've been in a few flicks, obviously the track you just mentioned before, Getting Square was a great Aussie film. Obviously the first we ever saw at Worthington. Yeah, it was that, and he was in another movie with you, wasn't he? The remake of the Scottish play.
That's it. Yeah. So would you say that you're largely responsible for all of the success he's had? I would, yes. I'd have to say that. Kind of his Brando-esque character. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
Tell, what's it like working with real technical advisors, like technical advisors who are actual criminals, which I know was kind of what was happening on Getting Square. Well, it was more of Blue Murder. Yeah, that's what those government officials were around. Are you allowed to talk about that in Victoria yet?
Yeah, I think we are. I think I am now.
Getting Square was great fun, you know, when it was pretty funny and that, when it was fantastic. Johnny Spitieri or, yeah, that was a great character.
Yeah, people still say, you know, people still spout his lines. Who was it written by?
That nice? Chris Nice, too.
Yeah, criminal lawyer up there. Yeah, up in Brisbane, yes. Criminal lawyer. Celebrity lawyer for celebrities.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I really enjoyed that, it was great. Bugner was on it. Yeah, he was my bodyguard. Yeah, right. Bugner's pretty good. You know Bugner, he fought Muhammad Ali twice. Really?
Yeah, fought him twice and didn't get knocked out. Lost on points both times, but didn't get knocked out.
That's impressive. That's pretty handy, isn't it? That's definitely something your grandkids are working with.
He'd be weeping. He'd be weeping and laughing.
Fantastic. So, Blue Murder, how was that? Because they were obviously, as we mentioned before, gag orders, NDAs. Who were you playing in that? I played Rent-A-Kill. Yes, okay, yes.
Drewry. Christopher Dale Foner. You killed Drewry. No, shot Drewry. No, shot him a number of times.
Rent-A-Kill. Yeah, Rent-A-Kill.
But I still hear my lines sometimes in bars behind me. I had this great scene where I pulled a gun on, was it Nettie or was it one of the coppers? Yeah, I was with Rogerson and Nettie in that at lunch. I forget who I pulled the gun on, but then I ate the glass, ate the schooner glass.
I was like, you're not a koala, you're not a protected species, I'll kill you, I'll kill you. Yeah, yeah. But I heard those lines behind me in bars. It's just some punters. Yeah, see me again. You're not a koala, you're not a protected species. Did you meet any of those old figures? Yes, I did.
I'd rather not go into that. Okay. Fasten the fact. Maybe an Ultimo maybe? I don't know. Well, off you went.
Yeah, those are good plays. Yeah, yeah. Terrific plays. Very, yeah, entertaining and fun.
Loved a long lunch. Very good at long lunches, yes.
The Pacific. Oh yeah, yeah. Was that the first and last time you got directed by Spielberg? You think?
He didn't direct really. Oh, yeah, he was just in the background. the producer Tom Hanks said can you lose another 30 pounds Gary 70 k's like I'm like 76 I think now I was down about 70 or 69 I think another 30 pounds yeah sure yeah so what 62 kilos but yeah the only thing about that was we did this boot camp with these uh these Americans who were just king-sized planes in the ass making us walk you know waking us up at midnight and making us do parades through the jungle and then waking us up at 6 a.m. with a belt fed mortar you know boys that's the sound of freedom bus came in the last hour and hear that yeah like it was kind of like when like right in the last couple of years of Warnie's career he used to always go to the media and bitch and complain you know like the coach I'll buck he makes us go on these camps you have to run up and down these fucking hills you know have like a full-on boot camp you know it's all I do is I take five steps in and bowl and stand up first why do I need to carry a jerry can of water up a hill and the poor this this is one of the biggest indictments on his replacement Stuart McGill is that he had to do the same thing he was about the same age and it fucking ruined his knees and he was like if I didn't have to do this yeah I could still be playing yeah and then he took cricket Australia to court and do your own research but I think he lost I tell you what warning warning you guys we do too yeah if you're listening shown when Mark Charlie made that 334 you know yeah and retired at that you know and then everyone said he making it's a bang with Jesse Sri Lanka someone like that you know yeah they go but it was only against being a business reneger what he goes hey three hundred and thirty-four not at the backyard is a good score yeah test level yeah so that's right shame excellent work do you get on with other actors because you seem to know a fair bit about sport and no you don't know how does that go because it seems to make sure you know those films oh yeah you know like different people you came through together with there was a bit of a squad Noni you know it looks like there's kind of it kind of looks like there's yeah that's probably evident by the fact you didn't get an invitation to be in the new Palm Beach movie which which I see is just it's just a bunch of wealthy wealthy wealthy wealthy actors actors wealthy actors and then come home to yeah basically do they all live in Palm Beach in the outside of the film looks like why yeah brownie doesn't yeah actually he's only just lost the shine of the Bankstown boy hasn't he after like wheeling on it for an entire career yeah I suppose two hands like a Westie and then he did that big big movie in in Hollywood with a long gun Polly with Ben Stiller yeah and yeah it was I think that was his payday where he was supposed to be like a Murdoch type oh was it that must have slipped through the cracks saying that one yeah well it was called along came Polly I I can only assume it's been critically panned and I think he probably got nothing out of it except my best mate is an actor was Bill Hunter right yeah I met him when I was doing a film film of a Colin McCulloch book yeah right an indecent obsession yes that's what it was he did a fair few films yeah we did a fair few things together yeah okay a film once he yeah he retired to his dressing room it was a nice yeah yeah I really needed an interpretive understanding when he came out but when I met him it was this film I'd never met him before and I was quite nervous it was the first thing I did after body line so my first movie and it's where I started smoking because they said you don't get this role unless you smile I've never smoked I was 27 but healthy take that to the unions yeah that's right yeah it made me sign something and carry back his film company too but I met Hunter at the bar surprise surprise I walked up he was facing the bar and I I said excuse me mr. Hunter my name's Gary sweet I'll be playing Michael he turned around and looked at he goes like a man with guts but I had a mug that's overconfident back in your box young fella he said no no I'm fast and I'm scientific and I'm too fucking good for learners he said I'll dance around you like a cigarette paper in a whirlwind when I come down I'll be right be fucking Einja he said I've had five fights in six days I've lost a lot I'm due for a win so watch yourself please it's great that he did he turned back after I was just standing there they say back to me he went we have a beer oh that was the start of a beautiful French he was in a lot of movies yeah Jesus yeah he was even crackerjack was he was even in kangaroo jack yeah yeah so we we also and Russell Crowe if you're listening please come on you're invited right rusty has a thing with Mel where they both have the similar sounding voice oh yeah they're very self-conscious about that transatlantic and still Australian voice and a lot of actors have to go they're not even from here but yeah they're not oh no not really they've just they've got their prepubescent vowels they learnt them here yeah he's a kiwi yeah Russell the Kiwi and and Mel's that was the best thing in his little Oscar speech years it's a long way from a little kid from North Auckland yeah and then it was like yeah you know but now I'm back as Maximus Decimus yeah meridians that's a codes a bit bounces between nice nice all right who were you who would you go toe-to-toe with for a role do you reckon in your throughout your career whoever whoever knows they wonder you're like oh you know like like the Brendan Cowell to the Stephen Curry's you know what's his name Oh bramel bramel bramel we need a gruff cop in original town me I suppose Phelps you know I would be the same vintage and your stingers together yes you know most people I've done every cop show in the world except water rats yeah like 95% of people get water rats and now I don't I don't even go no okay yeah it's good in that one night no we're just gonna play yeah did you ever have like like anyone from the actual police rescue come up and tell you it's like mate we don't abseil on down cliffs like that oh yeah oh no there's a protocol you know you have to yeah clip on at the top and you're like oh yeah it's television show yeah no we're doing we're at the we're jumping off the bridge one day in Sydney and they were training allow training recruits you know to go down backwards you know yeah and absolutely yeah that's I yeah so I said hook me up boys hook me in the front front you know I do this star jump head first out you know holding onto the rope and then grab it about halfway down there and I heard the boy instruct again and that's why he's not in the real but they were very supportive though great yeah they love it you know your life is much more exciting than ours yeah well yeah you know there's not too too many people I guess in New South Wales that would have known that branch of the police force even existed boy exactly for police rescue yeah and you know who actually actually came up with the idea was a props guy at the ABC oh really yeah yeah he went to John Edwards and Sandra Levy at that stage pardon me and what about what I want to do a show about this you know it's a great show really good we met John Edwards the other night of the yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah these names from actors and they just exist yeah yeah yeah yeah we saw a little chimp yeah he said he had the he had probably the hardest time in the world to get the delays Norton thing up because he's like apparently Rob he had got rid of the rights to like like 10 oh yeah people and just being like yeah you can have it for a couple jugs you you can have it for how much is that boat yeah yeah you can have it all for $32,000 deal and they'd bang cash no contract it's all it's all verbal so you couldn't fight you couldn't find who actually I know yeah yeah once they got into productions you know oh yeah well I had a horse like that my mates dad had Alzheimer's yeah so we would do it everyone yeah we wanted a trainer in Adelaide who we thought it was training and he said yeah yeah well yes what do you want which one do you think's yours that one he said yeah that's owned by about 20 people I believe now this short quickly speaking about you know everyone in New South Wales not knowing about police rescue not many people in New South Wales know that Phelps II is Karen Phelps's brother correct yeah correct why Aaron Phelps the yeah the shortest independent in the history of Eastern Sydney but she also did a lot of good things no no but that was that was her it didn't come up once she actually lent into the TV doctor as opposed yeah brother of guy from stingers hey Phelps his old man Phelps his old man had the best ever job is a beer taster for two weeks now we see you you're on a few boards you're a few boy manly seagulls rugby league supporter is that a load up I was I used to be yeah is that is that just something actors or just grab something from each city is that what happens oh well I couldn't I couldn't watch AFL and when I was in Sydney yeah because look all I've done is a slow eastern seaboard up the eastern seaboard and then down again you know yeah I'm just basically an itinerant vagrant but I wanted to say man and for that period of my life because I didn't get I'd only been brought up in South Australia playing football stopped playing once I started acting although I went back played a low grade of emerald league and did win the association medal once I was up there I wanted to invest in you know in a team in the suburb in which I lived you know I didn't get the game I didn't get Union or League because it even in the 90s you know it was really televised in Melbourne or Adelaide so I didn't even get it in fact when I first moved to Sydney in the mid 80s and I lived in I think it's called our free to terrace which in could you which runs alongside the Randwick rugby Union ground I think it was when camp easy and all those guys yeah all the Ellers and shit yeah and they coach now Michael checker is there yeah anyway our balcony of the apartment I lived in with a number of my mates from school looked over at the ground now my first introduction to rugby union was I watched some guy get the ball and kick it 14 rows into the crowd and everyone clapped that's called a penalty and you know there's a whole you know idea of Australian rules football is keep the ball inside the field of play yeah you know I'm still not entirely oh fay with the with the rules of Union but I wanted to get on board and and so for a period of time there I preferred watching league to AFL so I follow them better to watch on TV so you didn't have a Don Bradman issue with cliff lines or anything I tell you I used to know mal Cochran mal Cochran played for manly in the late 80s 90s I reckon and another guy called Darryl who we used to drink at the stain hotel tremendous it is a great pub they call the what do they call it the mean fiddler with a tan they they it's good for a blue oh it's tremendous no says the fleet came in I remember in 1988 I think the flake came in there's a massive blow on the pub I look like me has for the fellow actor called John Walton we're gonna get belted but upon you I recognize this from the Sullivan's in London yeah so we go now what else you got coming up well I've got this movie called two heads Creek which is the one we made in Krakow I've got that I've got another one called paper champions where I play a former wrestler it's about a young bloke a yeah the young bloke that wrote it is the lead in it is fantastic this kid is so fantastic his name escapes me at this moment yeah I play a mentor of his paper champions very good yeah I also do a thing for SBS called hungry ghosts which is a terrific miniseries about the Vietnamese myth about the month of the hungry ghost I've done a couple of things I've done it I've done a web series apparently this is what the young folk watch today I believe the web series yeah with a guy I made a series some years ago called small-time gangster you may or may not have seen it's pretty good it's a common way you did the butt rows what was that one we saw you do the we did the you talked about all the drug dealers and you did the you were narrating oh I know that was that was that was um that was um that was an that was a true crime story this is my writer's nephew yes honky-tonk he's a bit wonky this is where the cops went into his flat now this was a show called small time gangster and I really called mint condition about a young woman who owns a vinyl record store you know yeah and mystery ride of course which is my favorite always my favorite to get back and work with Aaron Pedersen we did a show called the circuit for JBC yeah the first beer sorry that was your apology yeah that's right yeah so you're mentoring him is like a he's an incoming sex icon I guess you could say he's he's mentoring me in acting Aaron I always Aaron I decided that he should be the next James Bond 10 years ago yeah we thought he should be the next James Bond but I it's a pleasure to work with him I love being a broom broom is a special place yeah if you've got to get there you got you really have to it is you really have to you can only appreciate it if you get up there and you can only appreciate any indigenous actors connection with the land if you see it and you see it there and you can feel it there yeah I had the great privilege to go to a meeting there some of the aunties invited me to a meeting and I swear I felt the earth's heartbeat really sitting in the red and the pin down there everyone talks about it everyone whether it's musicians or actors or even the miners again about that way the pearls they yeah there's something there yeah it is a magical place you know it will give you a great understanding of of an indigenous person's connection to country which most white politicians spend their lives trying not to understand yeah yeah I love that I work you know working working with Warwick and Wayne Blair just outstanding truly outstanding what is the R&R it's good yeah I'll tell you what now just lastly do you back yourself playing Lehman in the sandpaper gate miniseries it's sure to be getting made anytime soon Jesus Christ you you you'd have to put on about 30 for that I'm prepared to do that yeah I know see Davey waters made him one yeah tell me how about lame are they you know he's it he's a Adelaide man and later yeah yeah like you would be able to nail his accent you know you've got that rounded South Australian it's classically I had to change my accent when I started acting because people sound like a lot Kiwi yeah I don't speak yeah the football that's it that's one word that I'd use to smile football hospital football football cool pose milk hilltop so you don't say the P the airport the other day and her husband hadn't come through security I got two titanium hips now from stunts and footy in various things so I go off in the security you know they but she she's come through and her husband's cleaning on the side other side she's going pull pull pull pull the other thing is is Australia it's not hard Australia it's not difficult it's not Australia it's not Australia Australia it's Australia that's the very just out of strain coming through so yeah you would make a good layman let's uh let's put that wolf yeah the field is out well tell both to you and yeah if he doesn't remember going to our butcher I'll go deeper than that I'll start with that and then yeah or at least a mark Cosgrove in the car complain yeah cuz yeah cuz great mark Cosgrove yeah who's that who's that large Kiwi that took that catch who's here's a fine he was the last because go pretty good player he was our jocks callous but you know yeah yeah he he just never got the opportunity to become the jocks get it for the Caribbean Duane Levrock at the World Cup no it was for Bermuda he was a cop who was in the World Cup and he took an absolute screamer at second slip against against Pakistan I had a story about a blanket to a cruise through Bermuda yeah you the story but the only reason he took the cruise was because they had fabulous entertainment this is another story you've got from Frank three no no yeah they went all through the Caribbean because the entertainment is great a great singer and a full orchestra yeah went all their way through the Caribbean whether they got to Bermuda the triangle player disappeared that's definitely that's a true story that's a frank joke thanks go thanks for joining us thank you very much |
TheOnion | Horrific_Crash_A_Sad_Reminder_Of_Princess_Diana | Several lanes of I-95 remain shut down more than five hours after an accident that killed nine drivers out of Richmond, Virginia this afternoon. It's a sad reminder of the car crash which claimed the life of Princess Diana almost 11 years ago. Just after 2 p.m. today, an 18-wheel truck flipped on its side, causing a 120-car pileup and spilling blood across the Paris roadway colored highway. At the scene of today's deadly accident, the reminders were inescapable. Diana's crash took place around 2 o'clock a.m., the clock inverse of 2 o'clock p.m. Twenty-two of the cars involved in the violent pileup were sedans, and eight of those, like Diana and Dodi's four-door Mercedes-Benz, were black.
The vehicle at the center of the accident contained three people, now all dead. It could have easily contained a fourth person, like the car in which Diana perished. But the empty fourth seat serves as a mournful illustration of the emptiness we all feel without Princess Di.
My buddy got hurt. I don't know where he went.
This man's grief is a mere fraction of the outpouring we all experienced after Diana was lost to us forever. This woman lost a husband. Her own personal male Princess Di. Survivors of today's crash express thanks their lives were spared. But in their heart of hearts, their survival must have been bittersweet. Faced as we all are now, with the reality of a world without Princess Di, we leave you with images of Princess Diana, pearl of our hearts, fair-haired angel of our dreams, a light whose beauty and brightness could not be extinguished even in death.
The Onion News Network will now observe a moment of silence. |
TheOnion | In_The_Know_Should_The_Nation_s_Unemployed_Be_Buying_New_Apple_Computers | I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes who was hit by two cars. The first car threw him into the path of the second car.
The unemployment crisis has worsened in recent months with little sign of recovery. Should the nation's millions of unemployed spring for a new Apple computer, given that it might assist them in a job search? Absolutely they should. Of course it's expensive, but the unemployed need a Mac to stand on top of job listings, update their cover letter. Macs come with iMovie so they can edit together a neat little video resume.
Guys, guys, I'm really sorry. I forgot to bring the cups today. I didn't know we'd be drinking the Apple Kool-Aid here.
Cash-strapped Americans don't need to spend an extra $800 for a stupid little glowing Apple logo on their computer because that's all you're getting. I don't understand why an unemployed person needs a new computer at all. Did their old one stop working? Well, no, Laura Lee, but you know it's important to stay on top of the latest hardware.
Right. So if they get a MacBook Pro, they could use it to learn graphic design. Exactly. Which is like they could pick up some freelance graphic design work while they're waiting for a full time thing. Yes, I need to teach myself graphic design. Exactly.
I keep telling myself what to do. But why spend thousands, why are we spending thousands on a tiny toy, which is all it is, when you go down to Best Buy and for $400 you get a Toshiba? I still don't understand why the unemployed don't use the computer that they have out in their garage like mine. I go out there, I turn it on, and there in the folder marked recipes are my recipes. But, Laura Lee, if you want to work in a creative field, you need a Mac. A Mac is the tool for creative professionals. When I go into a cafe and I see somebody using a Dell computer, I turn the other way.
I'm like, what is he working on, his manifestos? Oh, yes, Mr. Chobs, whatever you say, Mr. Chobs.
An Apple Apple logo, may I remind you, is not the only corporation that's vital to the needs of the unemployed at this difficult time. Netflix, Starbucks. You need a Starbucks boost when you're spending all day filling out your LinkedIn profile. Are we still talking about computers? Because aren't there kinkos on every single corner where you can use their computers if you really need to?
Look, the fact is that Americans should be supporting innovation. That's what drives the economy, spending. Wasn't the recent financial crisis caused by a liquidity shortfall of just this kind of overspending? I mean, didn't the subprime mortgage fiasco teach us that if we...
Laura Lee, shut up. You don't know anything, okay? You can't participate in this conversation because you don't know the specifics of what we're talking about. Your opinion is not valid. It doesn't matter. David has a point, Laura Lee. I mean, you really just don't seem to understand anything that we're discussing.
Laura Lee, you can go. Well, I'm serious. You should go. Oprah shocked her studio audience today by revealing a second Oprah. Stay tuned to the Onion News Network for more on that story. |
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The BookBjorn. This product has not been approved by the Consumer Product Safety Commission. Thank you for watching. |
cracked | officially_the_worst_movie_idea_anyone_s_ever_had_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, I am Daniel O'Brien, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show on the internet that is this show. Today's episode explores... I'm going to pitch you a movie, so pretend you're a movie executive. Good.
It's about a couple named Steve and Carol. They have a wonderful relationship, and everything is going great until one day, Carol gets pregnant, and Steve's deep, dark secret is revealed. His entire family is dwarves.
Now this leads to the central conflict of the film. Is Carol brave enough to keep this baby knowing it might be a little person? Pretend I stress that it's not a comedy, it's very, very serious. And let's say, for argument's sake, that my name is Weiner. I've just pitched you Mr. Weiner's very serious midget movie. Now pretend I'm not fucking with you, because I'm not, because this movie is completely real. Back in 2003, while some people were making Return of the King, or X2, X-Men United, a director, writer, crew, and cast of legitimately already famous actors were making Tiptoes, one of the top five movies starring Gary Oldman as a little person that came out that year.
There's one small problem. Hi. I'm Ralph. I'm his brother. We're twins. Are you parents? Um... Yeah.
The movie, named one of my all-time favorites by the idiotic host of A Stupid Internet Show, and described by at least one critic as a movie, focuses on Kate Beckinsale's peril, as she struggles with the tough decision of whether or not she can keep and raise a baby knowing it might be little. But like, longer than babies are supposed to be. Eventually, she decides that she can love this baby, even if it is a little person, because of course she can, because obviously she can.
But because this movie apparently has a quota for people for whom dwarfism is a problem, Matthew McConaughey's Steve switches sides. Obviously in the film, he's defensive and supportive. I think you could've let me know that everyone in your family's a midget. They're not midges, Carol. Dwarves. Whatever. But once Carol gets on board, he switches to being offensive. Would it really be that big of a deal if our kid was a dwarf? They eventually get divorced when it becomes clear that Steve, whose entire family, remember, is dwarves, doesn't respect dwarves enough to properly care for his own child. So the baby is left with Carol. Don't try to make sense of it. I have so much more to say.
Rounding out the cast and proving that there is literally not a single role that he can't nail, is Gary Oldman, who plays a character that is both Matthew McConaughey's twin brother and a little person, and he pulls it the hell off. Also, he sounds almost exactly like Jeff Foxworthy, so if that's the thing you're looking for in a movie, this one has that. The movie also features Peter Dinklage, who is predictably awesome as the French gun-toting Marxist anarchist Maurice and Patricia Arquette, who is also in the movie. Those two are only really around to undercut the film's bizarreness with a different kind of bizarreness. In a scene where Carol and Steve argue about whether or not they want to keep their baby feels too heavy or insulting, they just cut away at a Maurice and Patricia Arquette's character, having a picnic, or making out, or pointing guns at things. The film also contains a side story where David Alan Grier in a distractingly terrible wig plays a celebrity who only wants to have sex with little people.
Unfortunately, I don't think I'll have time to cover it, except what's that? I'm being told that actually I just covered literally everything about that subplot right here in this sentence, so okay.
The film ends whenever you decide to stop watching it, depending on your threshold for terrible movies. For some of you, this will come at the point where Matthew McConaughey, so distraught at the fact that his baby is going to be a little person, punches a hole in the wall of his delivery room. Others will check out almost immediately after they realize they're watching a movie about little people called Tiptoes. Personally, I watch the whole thing, because if I don't finish a movie after I've started it, I get terrible headaches that no doctor has been able to explain. Having seen all of it, I'm going to get into some spoiler territory now, so please mute your computers if you don't want me to ruin the ending for you. The movie blows.
Well, that's all for today. Tune in next week when our topic will be Runaway Jury, best movie ever, or just another movie that also exists.
I've been your host Daniel O'Brien, and I'm sorry for introducing you to Tiptoes. But I love it. So I'm not that sorry. I've been your host Daniel O'Brien. |
SaturdayNightLive | jumanji_snl | Oh, my God. Wow, Beth, Pat, you guys have really outdone yourselves. this chicken was amazing. well, our pleasure. you guys are welcome any time. Oh, trust us. we'll be back. and I just want to say thanks so much for welcoming me. it's so cool to finally meet Harry's friends. Wow. he's never introduced us to anyone before, so it's clear you're a very special gal.
Alright. well, I hope you guys save room for fun because I picked up this cool new board game for us to try. it's called Ticket to Ride. it's about trains and railroads. I've never played before, but it seems like a blast. I love a new board game. I'm so in. that's fun.
Oh, wow. oh. no. no. no, sorry. Oh, Nina, is something wrong?
Sorry, just I don't play board games. yeah, no. Oh, yeah, sorry, y'all. Nina doesn't play board games. she's kind of freaked out by it. babe, you're making it sound like I'm afraid of board games. I'm not. Yeah, imagine being afraid of board games. right? No, no, I'm not afraid of board games.
I'm afraid of getting Jumanji-ed. Oh. Jumanji? yeah, you guys ever seen the film called Jumanji about the game? Uh, yeah, sure. Well, I just want to be cautious playing games. I don't know, lest it should, you know, Jumanji. Me. you mean the fictional movie about a magical game?
Yeah, I mean, Jumanji is a movie. it isn't real. you literally can't prove that. Um, babe, you're Not getting Jumanji. No, I know I'm not getting Jumanji because I will Not put myself in a position to be Jumanji. Jumanji isn't real, though. And even if Jumanji were real, this isn't Jumanji. it's ticket to ride. a game doesn't have to be Jumanji for that game. To Jumanji Me. Just like how getting roofy doesn't always have to be a roofy. it can be another substance. it's the same for Jumanji.
Wait, what are you talking about? Because I saw Jumanji, And in Jumanji, they get sucked into a video game. What?
The Rock and Kevin Hart.
Aha!
So you have seen it. you've seen every jumanji, and yet you're still trying to jumanji Me. uh, okay. what even is Jumanji to you, lady? Because it sounds like you think Jumanji is going into Jumanji. But in Jumanji, Jumanji comes out. the kids don't go into Jumanji. Jumanji comes out of Jumanji. Robin Williams goes into Jumanji. one guy. one guy gets Jumanji into Jumanji. But the rest of Jumanji is. Jumanji comes out.
Cut, Cut. you're yelling.
I'm just saying, she doesn't even know what she's talking about.
Which is it, Nina? are you afraid of being Jumanji into Jumanji? Or is being Jumanji that Jumanji comes out? Jumanji is a series of jungle emergencies. jungle emergency. That, sir, is Jumanji, and we are not prepared for that. we have no medicines. we have no rope. But that's not even what would happen if we got Jumanji into this game, Because this game is trained. if there would be no jungle, it would be trained. Exactly, because if I got Jumanji into Monopoly, it would be taxes.
And the little mustache man, not a jungle emergency. Oh. So now everyone's an expert on Jumanji. because five effing seconds ago, you all acted like I was a nut.
I am the man of this house, and I want to play the game I got from the old lady at the estate sale. We Are playing This Damn Game.
Okay. okay. just because fog is coming out of the box does not mean that we're getting Jumanji. Shh! we're Not getting Jumanji! Not getting Jumanji, uh, it's getting weaker in Jumanji. How you doing? babe, what's happening? that's my bad, y'all. well, well, well. welcome to Ticket to Ride. we got a railroad to build. and if any of you try to leave, you'll be tied to the tracks and left for the Coyotes. Except for you, because you specifically said you did not want to beat Jumanji into the crane game. you are free to Go.
Yes! I knew it! Free!
And, Harry, I don't think this is gonna work out. because it seems like you and all your friends are gonna die. Aw, sure, girl. that's too bad. But hey, just remember, if you lose the game, you die in real life. hope that helps all of all! |
cracked | why_the_nfl_hates_women_cracked_responds | Hi, I'm Alex and I'm Adam and welcome to this week's NFL Cracked Power Rankings. This week we continue to adjust the rankings, they're all over the place and our new number one is Female NFL Fans. What a great time to be you, it's really exciting. It is October which means that it's NFL's time to prove somehow that they actually care about women.
In the last few years they've decided to adopt the breast cancer research cause, they've decided to put smatterings of pink all over everybody's jerseys and sell breast cancer awareness. Socks, gloves, wrists, face mask maybe, idea. They should do that, pink face masks.
That would be awesome. There's at least three teams that might improve what they're doing. Yeah.
List them, Raiders. Obviously the Raiders. Raiders, yes.
Like how much do you want to see a pirate with a pink face mask? That's actually scarier. That's really, oh they are very confident in themselves on top of being a pirate. A couple years ago there had been a few studies commissioned that found out they're only really spending about eight percent of the profits from those shirts on actual breast cancer awareness.
NFL takes a cut. Team takes a cut. Manufacture takes a cut.
Right. So out of a hundred dollars that they get from whatever pink shirt they make, eight dollars of it goes to the ACS, the American Cancer Society. Matt's story broke a couple years ago and I think remains true.
Nobody's contradicting. Yeah. No one's...
So number one, NFL's making money on this breast cancer thing. That's the first thing and probably the most important thing to them. They're making money on it. But it turns out that eight dollars, zero of it actually goes to cancer research also. Like that here's what the eight dollars goes to. It goes to the American Cancer Society who then uses it to create breast cancer screening facilities within a certain distance of an NFL city.
One hundred miles. Yeah. So they don't spend that money on research, mind you. That goes just to preventative screenings. In place is a hundred miles from an NFL state. Right. So if you're from Des Moines, hopefully you're a Bears fan, but f*** your breast cancer. Go to your doctor. We're not paying for it. That's the deal. Also, I have not mapped it, but if you're in L.A. We don't get any breast cancer. Maybe you're not. Yeah.
At the time of taping this, the last Monday night game that we had was the Steelers Chargers game which I was avidly watching and almost died when Tomlin decided to risk the entire game on the Lady on Bell Wildcat call because you start to worry after a while. We got Vic. It can't go right for us.
You know? That's how you... I mean, I don't want to be too cataclysmic.
But Vic is... But it can. Vic's a nightmare. But it can.
It worked out. It did.
Lady on Bell, like, rushes second effort, gets there without touching the knee to the ground. And it turns out, according to Steve Young, the woman who called the touchdown good first female NFL referee. Referee Sarah Thomas.
Pretty cool. To Steve Young, part of the story, which, you know, it's exciting. It's great to have a female ref. It's really neat. It is.
It's the first female NFL ref. As it turns out. Bummer. If you remember, in 2012, there was a referee strike and the NFL brought in replacement workers and said, you know, it's a great way to stick it to our striking refs. We'll bring in a female ref named Shannon Easton.
Maybe a great ref. I don't really know. I don't know ever if a ref is good, really.
Yeah. But... Well, I know when they're bad. Yeah. We know when they're bad. Well, it's true.
Phil Mary. She wasn't involved in Phil Mary. It wasn't named for her.
Just to clarify for everyone. Was it just the name of the play? Yeah, just the name of the play.
The NFL has turned this potential, oh, what a great boundary breaking representational great thing into, it was part of this ugly labor dispute. But at the time, NFL is putting out press releases saying, it is so exciting that Shannon Easton has broken this barrier. We are going to send her hat to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Ohio. We are that excited about it. Because what a thing. And now they are physically removing that cap from the Hall of Fame. They are stealing, like they are jumping in like ninjas, removing it and like erasing that whole wing. The NFL is also an incredibly profitable business that loves not paying anybody. We talked about that with players before.
Why would there be a ref strike? How much money could refs be asking for?
And then also, you probably don't know that NFL cheerleaders don't make minimum wage. 155,000 of you do because you all signed a change.org petition saying that NFL cheerleaders should make a minimum wage. Still trying to get to 200,000?
Hope it does. Right. Five different teams' cheerleaders have sued their own team over not getting paid and over all kinds of harassment stuff. It's weird that the NFL still thinks of this cheerleading thing as like an honor. You know what I mean? Like you're just happy to be there, right girls? If you're someone who the people who make Madden bother to animate in detail, which cheerleaders are, you deserve to get paid the minimum wage at least by a business that's more profitable than any sports enterprise in the history of civilization. Right.
And just so that everybody understands what we mean when we say they don't make minimum wage, they do get paid for game appearances. They don't get paid for practices, for other appearances they have to make, or for anything that isn't related to the actual time they spend on the field, which means they make like fractions of the minimum wage, not like almost minimum wage, fractions of it, less than a third in some cases. The only way you can get that cheerleading job is doing all the things for no money that they all have to do, which is how you have teams where the Raiders cheerleaders will make $5 an hour when you break it down, the Jets flight crew will make $3.77 an hour, the Bengals cheerleading squad, the Ben Gals, real name, makes $2.85 an hour when you finally break down the actual time they're spending on this. And that's not even talking about the Bills cheerleaders, who have one of the most impressive harassment lawsuits I have ever seen.
When they apply for the job, there is an official jiggle test, is what it is called, is what they put them through. Quote from a Buffalo cheerleader describing it, one week prior to the game we were to dress in our uniforms and stand before our coach, who had a clipboard in her hand and we had to face forward, turn around, face back to the front and do about 10 jumping jacks. And from there, she would write down on her notepad what parts of our bodies jiggled. The next day though, and then this article says the next day the women would receive an email with check marks that indicated what body parts, including quote, butt, thighs, back, stomach, end quote, they needed to work on, cheerleader again quote, if a girl got two checks in these areas, she was warned that she was not going to be field ready, and if there were three check marks, then she was not performing, she was sitting the next game.
They also need to, I think, have interpersonal skills, because they do lots of public appearances, a lot of times the team will be like, we're doing charity work, as part of the face of this charity work, let's send all these attractive ladies, we pay $3 an hour to go out there and represent the team. Right, let's send them and not pay them to do this, just call it a volunteer part of the job.
And somehow they get away with it, and in the Jill's suit they bring up one thing, which is that they have a Jill's annual golf tournament run by the Buffalo Jill's, and it's this charity golf tournament, but it's not just, oh, people playing golf, great, there is the cheerleaders are put in bikinis and then they are put in a dunk tank situation where the golfers get to throw ball and dunk them in the dunk tank, then later in the event there is one of the auction items, which is auctioning, getting to have a golf cart full of Buffalo Jill's for the rest of the event, so they will stack Buffalo Jill's into your golf cart for you if you win this auction item, and you know a golf cart size, it's a small thing, it's hard to fit 20 cheerleaders in it, so a lot of times the Jill's will be in the guy's lap or something like that in order to execute this charity item that is being carried out by people paid less than you've ever made in your life. I don't understand what they want this charity to be, like when I play golf I'm not like, if only this was also a carnival so I can dunk somebody, I also don't do that at carnivals because I'm not seven, I don't think like, ah you're wet you son of a bitch, what a great day I'm having now, I don't feel that way about those f***ing events, so I don't understand the appeal of it, like I imagine they're not wearing the kinds of clothes where they'd be semi-nude right, I'm just assuming that, maybe I shouldn't, maybe I shouldn't assume that. It says the cheerleaders are bikinis for the dunking. Right, so it's like why do I enjoy dunking them, I don't get what's behind that.
Well that's depressing, maybe we don't want to talk about this issue anymore. Because we do need to adjust the power rankings I think, I'm so sorry ladies, I'm so sorry men who care about ladies, there's a lot of bad things going on, I felt really bad, so we could make the top thing like money would be accurate. Yeah we could. That would be lousy.
That's not, I just, just take a thing that's funny, we need something funny. Mascots, mascots are so funny. Really, go with mascots. They are great and they could be even better. Guys thank you so much for watching another episode of Us Talking About the NFL, in the comments why don't you list either very valuable and important links about women's issues and women being mistreated in the NFL that will educate people or fund mascot stuff that will lift people's spirits. Or not to also just mascot related issues, because you know that's another group of people.
That's true, we don't see their faces all of the time. Who knows what's going on underneath that fur, I don't know, maybe I need to know. You know what, what's going on beneath those faces. |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_the_after_prom | So I went to my prom with Kelly, my girlfriend of two weeks. We had both never had sex, so I decided to get some condoms, just in case. I arrived at Kelly's house and all of our parents were there, taking pictures and crying about how grown up we are. My mom pulls me aside and says she knows what goes on after prom, so she takes out a box of condoms and puts it in my pocket. I say thanks, and that I'm officially creeped out. So after a few more pictures, my dad pulls me aside and says, son, you're a man now, I don't want to make sure you're practicing safe sex. And then he gives me a box of condoms. I tried to explain to him that I already had two boxes, but he cut me off with this awkward pug thing. Next thing I know, I'm grabbed by Kelly's father, and he tells me in a very stern voice that he doesn't want his daughter getting pregnant, so he, you guessed it, gives me a box of condoms.
So now I have about 35 condoms, and I don't even know if I'm going to use one of them. So we're at the after party, and it's in this backyard where every couple can pitch a tent for the night. Word must have gotten out that I had a huge supply of condoms, because more and more guys kept asking me for one. So now I'm handing out condoms left and right like I'm the Trojan man. Finally, Kelly pulled me into our tent and said it was time for bed. So we started making out, and I had just undone her bra when all of a sudden I hear someone calling for me from outside our tent. I unzip the tent and see 10 guys standing outside all wanting condoms. So I reach into my jacket, pull out a bunch of condoms, and just start handing them out. Eventually, I'm able to pick up where I left off with Kelly, and she tells me to grab a condom.
I reach into my jacket pocket, but I can't find one. So I search my pants to see if I put one in there, nothing. So I start tearing apart the tent looking for one measly condom.
Somehow, I manage to give them all away. I run to the store to buy another box, but when I get back about 25 minutes later, Kelly's already passed out. Great. The next morning, we wake up and see everyone else with big smiles on their faces. And I'm getting high fives from all the guys for helping them out.
Meanwhile, Kelly's pissed and says she'll be waiting for me in the car. Dating, it's complicated, very complicated. |
dropout | obnoxious_kid_in_class | Okay, I realize that taking the website off the internet doesn't seem like the best business plan, but I feel like, hey Dan, can you just sit down with the rest of us? What?
I'm not doing anything, I'm just standing. No, I know, it's just kind of distracting. Standing is distracting to you? It's not illegal to stand. This guy in there? Yeah, no, I know it's not illegal, but you know we're trying to have a meeting, it's distracting, you're probably going to smudge the window. Oh my god, I'm not even touching the window, look! Oh, he's right, yeah, not touching the window. You know what, fine, stand there, I don't even care.
Guys, all I'm saying is we take the website offline four or five years tops, in that time, we can...
Dan, could you stop touching me please? I'm not touching you! Yes you are! Oh my god, I am not even touching you! He's right, straight away, he's not touching you, technically. Dan, could you just sit down and stop just...
What the hell? What?
I'm not allowed to move my hands! That didn't move your hands, but you can't just hit me in the head, man! Oh, okay, alright, so I'm just supposed to know what my hands are going to do at all times. Yeah, so you know when you fall asleep on your arm and you know what I'm feeling in it? No, he wasn't asleep, he had total control!
What? Ow! Sorry, I guess I should have controlled that. Ooh, epic burn. Dan, would you just sit down, there's a page for the website we're talking about! Fine! Thank you! Okay, so, as I was saying, I think what we're going to need to do is focus our resources on... Dan, are you murdering Patrick? Is there a problem? Yeah! Oh my god!
How am I supposed to not murder Patrick? His stupid face is distracting everybody! He's right, Streeter. Better just let him finish. No! Pat, we're not going to let him kill you, alright, Dan, you know what? You've been acting up all day and your behavior is starting to become a problem!
Yeah, prove it! He's actually right, Streeter, because when you think about it, can you actually prove that Dan did anything wrong? Oh, it kind of depends on what we choose to label as wrong. Exactly, because if we look at it from a different perspective, Dan has had every right to do what he did today.
Right, right, and isn't that what growing up is all about? Learning to see the world through others' eyes?
Yeah, Pat's dead. |
dropout | social_music_experiment_wtf_is_socio_musicology | Let's pretend like we're having a difficult time with it. Let's not pretend. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a real gorilla?
I do, I do, I do, I do! How many could this? Which one of these hats does music increase the chance of?
What kind of girls? Can you tell the single most important? How often do you fuck? I'm not really sure where you're going with this.
What?
Can music get you laid? I'll be inside of a kitchen. I'll have a phone that will be paired to a boom. Could this help in the bedroom?
This one might be a little intimidating, but, you know, this one's a dilator. What's your favorite body part? An ass. Poon. Funneling this.
I'd like to see us naked together. With lotions.
Can music start a party anywhere? Would you be interested in helping us party? Yes. Oh, we weren't expecting that. Would you be open to me auditioning to perform for your prom?
I'll put my math on that. Don't take it, man. You got all the curves in the right places. I'm gonna put my face in that.
Can music settle a fight? Have you ever had a fight over anything, an argument?
Yes. Yes, yesterday. Every day.
Hear two angry people. She was fucking in my kitchen. Hear us here. So, you were having sex on your countertop.
Just like you feel. Boom, go boom. Would you guys say that music can solve a conflict? Yes.
Can music get you high? Have you ever been with a lady when you were high?
So, now what? What is your talent? Do you play music? What do you do for a living?
Oh, shit. I'm a sociomusicologist here at UE. That's right. Yeah. That's right. Oh!
Coming to you live here from Natasha Leggero's basement, right here for all of you, Jashheads. Anything, Jash, that you need, we're here for you. This is all about timing and needs and what is certain to happen. So, you know, I'm Reggie Watts. Definitely check out some of these other videos and stay tuned to Jash. We've got a great video coming up for you right after this, even if there isn't. Okay. |
TheOnion | A_Recap_Of_This_Week_s_Royal_Baby_Coverage | Joe Biden has a guy named Worm sit in for him at a cabinet meeting. A local man treats his girlfriend to a sumptuous 20-second massage, and an area desk doesn't mind if people sit on it like a chair every once in a while. In 20 years, when New York lies in ruin and Shanghai is but ash, this video will be held up as evidence of humankind's former glory. This is The Onion Week in Review. Following months of anticipation and global fanfare, the royal baby was finally born this week. Some close to the royal family say the newborn prince spent his first days crawling around Buckingham Palace, eating his first meal, and even speaking his first words. The Onion has obtained this exclusive audio clip. Sources also confirmed that the young heir unquestionably has his father's eyes.
A report released this week revealed that people who spray paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues earn, on average, $10 million per year. Explaining that those who make themselves look like the Statue of Liberty or some kind of futuristic silver cowboy can expect to take in a minimum of $8 million in tax-free income in their first year alone, the report added that performers who work in a highly trafficked area such as New York's Times Square would invariably be bringing in millions more. If you compare these positions to other high-paying jobs, say physicians or mechanical engineers, you'll find that those individuals who have outfitted themselves with silver-painted boxes and can move their limbs stiffly as if they were a robot are making literally hundreds of times as much and all without paying for formal education or special training. At this point, I would say that the only job that offers anywhere near that kind of earning potential is dressing up like Batman and allowing people to pose for photos with you. The guys who play paint buckets like drums have historically done well for themselves.
Sources close to area man Michael Huesmer confirmed this week the unmotivated 29-year-old loser continues to waste his time living a contented life in his hometown near his closest friends and family members and has no intention of leaving. Former classmates told reporters the directionless bum has no ambition to leave his close-knit community for an expensive and stressful life in a big city and is apparently satisfied with remaining a pitiful nobody for the remainder of his unassuming existence. While most of us with dreams got ourselves dingy apartments and soul-crushing jobs in the city years ago, Michael just stayed behind, happy to live his humdrum existence of regular contact with his parents in a town of people who express genuine appreciation for his presence. Honestly, it's pathetic.
And in sports news, Manny Ramirez impresses his triple-A teammates with his knowledge of shapes. In other news, a man's annual six-sentence conversation with his cousin goes smoothly, a generous improv troupe performs for free, and a pool owner has a bathing suit that touched his penis you can borrow. In the time it took you to watch this video, you could have read one of Shakespeare's sonnets, listened to an etude by Chopin, or taken in one of the masterworks from the golden age of Dutch painting. The Onion applauds your excellent taste. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | ebola_or_cheesecake_factory | Hello, my fellow Americans.
For the past few months, the world has been experiencing the largest Ebola outbreak ever recorded. If you traveled recently and are now experiencing violent vomiting and diarrhea, you could be carrying the virus. Or maybe you just had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. The symptoms are identical. In this time of confusion, the CDC is here to help. If you've recently volunteered for a medical charity in Liberia and are now experiencing an influenza-like sickness, you may have contracted the Ebola virus. If you ate mini corn dogs as an appetizer, then Cajun jambalaya pasta as an entree, and are now projectile vomiting in a parking lot, you may have just had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. If you downed an entire plate of loaded baked potato tots, washed it down with a chocolate tuxedo cream cheesecake, and then found blood in your stool, you just ate at the Cheesecake Factory. If you work at a hospital caring for Ebola patients and are now experiencing a high fever, severe weight loss, and violent diarrhea, you could have Ebola. If you're a nurse at the local hospital caring for Ebola patients and, on the way home, stop to pick up a platter of salmon genovese with chicken belagio and are now experiencing high fever and diarrhea, you could have Ebola, but it's probably just the Cheesecake Factory. If you've just gotten back from six months of living with the pygmies of the Congo, then ate a full plate of factory nachos at the airport, and now you've developed a macular popular rash, you have Ebola. Exit the Cheesecake Factory and proceed to the nearest hospital. If you were recently served the Skinnylicious Shrimp Summer Rolls by a waitress with Ebola and are now coughing up blood, you probably just went to the Cheesecake Factory. If you were recently served the Skinnylicious Shrimp Summer Rolls by a waitress with Ebola and were rude to the waitress, leading her to spit in your Skinnylicious Shrimp Summer Rolls and are now coughing up blood, you have Ebola.
That's all for now. Exercise caution.
The death toll for this Ebola outbreak is over 5,000, and the Cheesecake Factory has over 150 locations in the United States. The CDC is brought to you by Applebee. Eating good in the neighborhood.
And our automated system will subscribe for you. How does it work? Computers! |
ClickHole | progress_this_video_game_features_a_protagonist_in_a_wheelchair | Hey everyone, you're watching Next Gen. Today I want to share a fantastic game that also has an important message of inclusivity. It's called Pong, and it lets you play as a man in a wheelchair. The game provides a huge amount of freedom to the player, with the option to travel almost anywhere you want inside the game's open world environment. Whether you want to travel left or travel right, being disabled does not stop you from achieving your goals.
Pong is even able to swim across the river in the middle of the country. He is constantly being blocked by the two athletic giants that stand on opposite sides of the world.
Here, the game designers deserve credit for addressing head-on the discrimination disabled people face in their daily lives. This makes it even more powerful when Pong manages to overcome the giants and slip past them into an exciting new map. If I have one criticism of Pong, it's that the game only features white male characters. It seems like an odd misstep that a game with such a compelling message of equality could fail to include any women or people of color. Developer Atari did a great job of making Pong into a unique and interesting character who refuses to be defined by his wheelchair. Other than his inability to ever stop moving, Pong is no less capable than any other human being. It's an excellent example of how games should treat characters with disabilities, just like anyone else. Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of Pong today. |
SaturdayNightLive | poetry_class_saturday_night_live | Alright class, settle down, settle down. Now, I went over your poetry assignments last night and I must tell you, I was deeply impressed by the depth of expression and raw emotion. it was one poem in particular that came to mind and I would like for the author to come up here and read it to the class. Alan? me? no way, I thought this was supposed to be private and stuff. Well, that was the idea, but something about the sheer intensity of your poem made me think that the class would benefit from a recitation. come on Mr. Tumplin, please, I'm too embarrassed. Oh, oh Alan, there is nothing in your poem to be embarrassed about. What I believe by Alan Toshman. Alan, I know the poem I graded it, why don't you turn around and share it with the class?
She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, she was the best damn woman that I ever seen. Dude, you are so busted. uh-oh. hey, hey, hey, this obviously means a lot to Alan, you go on. she had the slightest eyes, telling me no lies, knocking me out with those American thighs.
Forget it. hey, hey, how about reciting your poem. Dirty Deeds, dumb, dirt cheap. Quiet down, I think Alan expressed rather well the urgency of youth. yeah, shut up, you probably sucks Anyways. hey, hey, let's stop all the insults. you know Alan, Christian wrote a very sensitive, honest piece. Oh really? well, I'd love to hear it, How about you guys, huh? that's a good idea, we're here to learn.
Kristin, come up here. All I know by Christian Reinhardt. in the air, in the air, Honey, one more time. Now it ain't fair, loving an elevator. living it up when I'm going down, loving an elevator. Kristin, Alan, come up here, come on, come on.
Class, Detention. I want you to take a look at these two, all of you. Now, these two students opened their minds, their hearts, and their souls to us. And in all my years of teaching, I've never given an A plus. last night, I gave two. let's move on, why don't we open our text, page 120. Mr. Templin? yes, Randy? you know the poem I turned in?
Spider-man, Spider-man does whatever a spider can. Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, I thought it was imaginative, and I showed a good sense of rhyme and meter. I was just looking for something a little bit more about you. Well, I guess I really didn't understand the assignment, but I have another poem that I didn't turn in, and maybe I could do it now. All right, let's hear it. Ah, my real poem by Randy Balducci.
Ah, can't you see me standing here? I got my back against the record machine. I ain't the worst that you see. Ah, can't you see what I mean?
I might as well jump, jump. go ahead and jump, jump. I might as well jump.
Okay, so tomorrow, 120 to 145 in your text. Randy, would you stay for a moment? Yeah. thanks. thank you. good job. good job. Randy, I'd like to make an appointment for you to see the school psychiatrist. what?
Well, I think everyone who heard your poem recognized it as a cry for help. I want you to know that I heard your cry, and I can see what you mean. okay, I guess.
All right. thank you, Mr. Templin. And, Randy, if you jump, I'll catch you. Actually, that wasn't me. that was another guy, but I'll let him know. hey, how'd it go today? |
SaturdayNightLive | bad_bunny_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Ben. thank you very much, thank you very much. my name is Benito, and very excited to be here on Sabado Higante. Oh, sorry, sorry, Snl, Snl. people are wondering if I can host this show because English is not my first language. I don't know if they know, but I do whatever I want. I can host this show in English. I can order Mcdonald's in English. I can have sex in English.
Yeah, but I prefer sex in Spanish because it's just better. I just prefer Spanish, you know what? You know what?
I'm very happy, I'm very happy. First of all, I'm going to be in the mood of Latin, and I'm very happy that I'm in the mood of Latin. I'm very happy that I'm in the mood of life in Puerto Rico.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey, not again, please, not again. Come here, come here, come here. excuse me, can we change that?
Can we do it right? Much better, thank you. you know what? I don't trust on this thing. So, I want to bring up my friend to help Pedro. you want me to translate? Yes. So, I want to introduce you to Pedro Pascale, who is the Ceo of the Patron, Lorne Michaels. he says, I'm blessed to be here with my favorite actor, Pedro Pascale. Doing Pedro. I know, but can you at least give me advice on my monologue? Well, I did host last season, thank you very much.
I find it's always charming when you make a self-deprecating joke. I don't know, what do you mean? Okay, it's like you make a joke about a part of your body or your face. That's unflattering. I don't have any. totally, me either. Okay, you know what also works? What? audiences love it when you show an embarrassing photo of yourself. I don't know, but I'm so, so, okay, I can do that. how is that embarrassing? Because I forgot to put on clothes. Okay, there's clearly nothing about you to make fun of, So. why don't you just tell everyone what you want to say? Well, I just want to say, I'm very grateful to be here. thank you to everyone who support me and everyone who listen to my music. we have an amazing show for you tonight. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_143_The_Rise_Of_The_Punters_Dribblers_with_Tom_and_Eddy_from_Hello_Sport | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show for the first podcast of 2021 technically. I mean, we came out last week with Nat's What I Reckon, but that was, as you could probably tell, it's on something we had recorded months earlier when he was promoting his book. But that was in the can and we're back from holidays now, joined by Errol Parker, editor at large.
How are you Errol? Good mate.
And believe it or not, this one is not going out live either, but you know, that's just the way that podcasting is these days. You know, I do feel that the format's been bastardized somewhat that now that, you know, you can record podcasts and they don't go out live. Live podcasts are high risk.
We'll get there.
Which, you know, are also high risk. But I just feel like, you know, we're putting stuff out on the internet and we've got to be careful about what we put out there because, you know, we've got a code of conduct obviously in Batooter and we don't want to offend anyone. Especially not Alan Jones. No. You can't say anything nowadays. You've got to be careful with that. Anyway, I'm dribbling.
2021 marks new beginnings for a lot of people. In Australia, we kind of keep convincing ourselves we've beaten COVID-19. And then of course we have minor clusters and we have lockdowns. But 2020 was an interesting year where, you know, we, we had to come to terms with this new normal and a lot of people had lost a lot, lost a lot of last year, a lot of iconic companies, businesses, institutions collapsed because they couldn't handle this new brave world. But one institution that only went from strength to strength was today's guests.
The Hello Sport podcast, Tom and Eddie. Thank you for joining us today, gentlemen. Thank you for having us back. Thank you very much.
Big words. Kind words. Big year. 2020 was big.
No, definitely correct. Are we bigger than ever? Absolutely. Is it sort of like the universe ever expanding? Is it speeding up the universe Eddie or slowing down? Well, the expanse of the universe speeding up much like us. Much like us.
There's a lot of synergy there. I don't want to go into it too much, but there's a lot of synergy.
You guys are now getting bailed up in the pub huts. Yeah. Well, it's funny. I was talking about this with my girlfriend the other day, like I get bailed up every now and then, fiance, but the person who gets bailed up the most is our lawyer, Lord of the Stars, Isaac Carey.
Like I was going, where's he come from? You know what I mean? He's come from nowhere. More people know him than us.
For anyone who's not familiar with the universe of the Hello Sport, this is their lawyer, Isaac Catch Carey, who's somehow developed a public profile from being their lawyer, but also was that guy that caught the screamer the one day. He does have quite an iconic look though, Isaac Carey does, as the lawyer to the stars of the podcasting realm. He was a boy, he is from the New South Wales Central West. He did have quite a lock of curly brown hair, quite a boyish charm about him and now he's more or less looks like he's the lead singer of R.E.M. Quite a transformation. The expression is the top cleared on Isaac Catch Carey.
And honestly, we get sent photos of people with Izzy all the time and it's like, where are these people? People ask him for illegal advice now. He's like, I've been hit up three or four times. He's like, what are you fucking talking about? No.
So this is at the center of your podcast and the institution you've created is these kind of people who I guess you guys refer to as the punters and the dribblers. Can you tell us a little bit about them? What they represent in the Australian psyche? Just before we jump into that, what makes a punter and what makes a dribbler? Well, I was talking about this with someone the other day. Well, listen, all punters are dribblers, but not all dribblers are punters, if that makes sense. Because punters are also a bit more in the like sort of sports gambling world.
But basically... A bit more considered with their analysis of a game, like for example. But it's all but none of it is based in any sort of place of qualified opinion or authority. They're not analysts, but they pretend like they are.
You know what I mean? If you speak about anything with enough confidence, then you're going to seem like you know what you're talking about. They're like wearing polo shirts. Much like yourself. Like myself, you know what I mean?
But look, the punter and the dribbler, yeah, it is basically the every man or woman in Australia, sport or not sport, but obviously that's just the pool we swim in, who, you know... They're borderline pundits. They like to talk with authority on anything you put in front of them.
Very one-eyed. Like the dribbler is seriously one-eyed.
You know what I mean? Like he's heard something once and then that's just what he knows. Unqualified opinion, unwavering bias. The dribblers heard a lot about the Swedish model of the pandemic. Like that's something a dribbler talks about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all about herd immunity, open up, fuck texting, fuck a lot of it. That's the dribbler. Because they heard something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's it.
And this government already spends way too much on the old age and disability pension so we should really, you know... Quarantine the old. Taking the opportunity to perhaps do our shopping at Aldi for a couple of weeks and lower our bottom line. Yeah.
The punter speaks with a lot of authority but has his own ideas and the dribbler kind of runs off what he's heard and he borrows these ideas and defends them. And misquotes other bits of information like that he's already regurgitating but will also like, you know, share his thoughts probably on Instagram stories and shit.
Look is it a little muddy? Is the definition not exactly black and white?
Yeah. Sure.
But we like to swim in the gray. I think everyone's essentially a dribbler, right? Everyone's got something dribbly about them.
Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. I think we've cleared that up. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yes.
Obviously having a podcast based around sport and that's the way it started but it's kind of descended into kind of soap opera and rom-coms and all kinds of things that interest the P&D. What would you find is happening now? You kind of are friends with a lot of athletes who've come on the show. You've got a lot of friends of the show.
Shit loads. But you still hold them to account, you know?
In the last few weeks I imagine Mitchell Pierce probably wouldn't have enjoyed listening to your show in the last couple weeks. Look I don't know whether Mitch has ever enjoyed it. Potentially. Mitch, I wouldn't say a friend of the show. Not because we don't hold him in any regard but more just because Mitch, one of the great dead shits in rugby league. Look Mitch knows that he's fucked up from time to time and look he didn't win us enough shields is probably the long and the short of it and look we didn't hold back in that regard obviously state of origin means a great deal to Tom and I. And you're both that rare breed of origin fans who think that New South Wales is something to get around. Correct. But I think Eddie you hit on a good point there, if Mitch had eight shields to his name I would be like brushing everything that he's ever done.
I'd be like fucking go away. Leave him alone. Leave Mitch alone. What's he done? Get off his case.
Look at Shane Warne, he can do whatever he wants. That's where you take it but to your earlier point we've got to hold the athletes accountable because otherwise the punter and the dribbler won't listen, you know what I mean? You've got to tell it how it is.
You know someone like Angus Crichton, good friend of the show. Friend of your show.
How do you not cross over, how do you not become too familiar but to advocate to actually do this a couple of years ago when all these fucking dribblers in Canberra, all the politicians thought that you know we did a book launch down there and they all came out and they all, every single one that was looking for a photo op came out. It was pre-Prime Minister Scomo was there and fucking, who's that little labored dribbler, Dasty Ari and all those blokes who were looking for a photo op and all that shit. And then they all thought you know they had us in their pocket and then we actually we learnt pretty quickly that we had to burn every bridge because they just thought you know haha and then you know it did get to a point where we'd get an email from staff being like oi that's a bit rough like fuck you mate, when did we ever say we were friends and you guys have now got to do that with the athletes I guess.
Well I just think it's more like if you stick your dick in a glory hole we're gonna bag you out about it. Well we're gonna talk about glory holes in 45 minutes, you know what I mean? You could be our best mate but if you've done that then unfortunately you know we are beholden to the punter and the dribbler to break it down with the same sort of meticulous analysis you'd see Joey John's break down a sweeping backline play. That's exactly right so that's why the glory hole got 45 minutes on a recent podcast but I think you know we try to have a little bit of fun with it we're not the athletes. Went about as long as the video of the glory hole went for about 45 minutes as well. Well that was the abridged version which I think we're all thankful was the only one passed around because I don't know that anyone needs to see you know what I can only assume is like an hour and a half of basically the comeback of the glory hole.
But look yeah as I said we do we're making fun of it though like we're not sitting there going this is a bloody disgrace we're not NRL 360. What's that big fucking bald-headed James Hooper you know not getting outraged over nothing. We're not blowing up we're not calling for investigations we're actually probably the ones doing the investigating.
Yeah look we run an eye over you know a scenario and call it how it is. Help us understand it as well you know what I mean like. Because the punter and the dribbler they're looking for guidance a lot of the time. They come to us to go Jesus how do you unpack this and we go well this is how you unpack it mate. This is what you need to be thinking when you're looking at this. Yes exactly. Here's how to you know run a professional eye over it.
But I think as well we try and we try and talk about it how we well how Tom and I talk about it but it's sort of like I think it's a reflection of how most people see any scenario situation when it comes to sports stars right like we talk about it how people at the pub talk about things whereas James Hooper like they I feel sometimes they put it on a lot and they get offended because they think they need to get offended and it's all a bit fucking fake to me a bit too vague. No that fucking Hooper he goes around and acts like he's never been at a kick on and tries to root a dog. Yeah like fucking give it a rest mate you know what I mean. Yeah a lot of them don't have a lot of empathy for the for the rugby league player or the athlete in general we try to provide a little bit of empathy you look at someone like Mitch Pierce of you know scandal fame he after a couple of scandals you go like brah like when he when he humped that dog I think everyone was like listen I'm not saying I've done it but I might have seen someone doing a kick and be like haha like it wasn't like it was actually trying to root a dog right that was overreaction but he just kept doing shit and doing shit now you're like listen dude I know the dog might have been an overreaction. Where are we with Mitch what like obviously there was the dog rooting that wasn't the first real one. No he got like there was one where there was something in a nightclub with a chick there was the dog.
There's a bus story that I won't go into. Yeah we know the bus story the bucks bus or their wedding story. That didn't get out although Weidler I think reported on it a little bit.
You remember that one? Yeah yeah yeah. He got bashed by a family friend on a bus to a wedding or some shit. Do your own research into that one. Do your own. Yeah deal deal. There's there's a you just like mate you're 31 yeah I'm 31.
At some point you just got to stop being a fucking idiot yeah and you've had that many like imagine having to go like when he does his press conference and he's like you know I'm sorry I'm going to change you're going to turn around you're like yeah but like you're not though are you or at least based off current history. Very reasonably people can throw out sort of the mental health side of things. Also though like personal responsibility is also a thing like mental health is absolutely a thing but being an adult like because you've got depression or whatever you might have doesn't mean you can just go and be a cunt yeah for sure yeah there's a couple of ornaments to the game of rugby league that you guys speak about Mitch Pierce probably isn't one of them as you said he didn't probably from an offseason standpoint Mitch you know certainly working his way into that but even his scandals are just not good enough like even scandals are underwhelming yeah they're disappointing but they're not fucking he's he's always he's a mainstay without being maybe in sort of the award show contention. Yeah like I think in that sort of realm it is going to be hard to get past you know you're Ryan Girdlers you're Julian O'Neals look he's not going to win at Logie no no he's definitely not winning a Logie for offseason performance but there you know he's again he's dependable yeah he's you can set your watch to him in an offseason like Hopawaty now there's now there's an ornament to the game there's someone who you know whether he's doing it on purpose or whether he's just got sort of a subconscious commitment to sort of to outlandish behavior the man is a content machine he's anti-Covid he's pro he's anti-establishment he's one of the great followers on Instagram John Hopawaty I'll say that he's a rebel without a clue yes what's can you tell us speaking of the P's and D's the punters and dribblers they have they weren't sicked onto Hop this is something that's developed organically among your fan base and your listenership there is something happening right now with John Hopawaty's Instagram that may or may not involve your community yeah look so certainly not by any means was this something that we called for but I'm here for it was one of them basically Hopawaty's sharing a lot of anti-Covid pro-Trump conspiracy rhetoric on his Instagram first question I would ask John is what's his obsession with American politics but that's sort of like by the by hang Bill Gates yeah yeah yeah he's pretty passionate he's very passionate but so like well you know we've got a page on Instagram the punters and dribblers and it's just sort of where like we don't even really we're not we don't do too much in there it's just the sort of the P's and D's sharing all their shit yeah and one of them was just like I'm sending Hopawaty fake Covid information but set him up as well like listen I've got some information you might be interested in I'll come back here at seven pm and stuff like they're trying to silence me I can't share it on my own Instagram because they're going to take it down so I can only send it here and he sent him something like and then Hopper sent back 100 yeah yeah 100 thanks brah but then and so like listen I don't think like the guy I think ended up feeling bad as well because he sent Hopper all this fucking bullshit information about mail-in ballots going to like the the military one was the troops in the middle east and it's like they got two million ballots that never came back there's only 30 000 troops in fucking but then Hopper like sent him like a merry Christmas message and shit and was like hope your family's well and he's like I can't help but feel a bit bad about sending Hopper fake messages now yeah I mean it's not no more as fake as the shit he would share anyway but yeah yeah I mean you've got you've got a lot to work with in rugby league particularly cricket as well is starting to get we're starting to see after a quite a woman's day friendly era of cricket I guess over the last five to ten years starting to see a few more characters popping up now yeah except that then they get beaten down by warning and there's always been there's always been a little bit of scandal like when Gary sort of you know got a new woman that was that was the thing with I think right with cricket front page there is the wags the waggle the wags and cricket get more coverage than any wags uh in any sport in the country well shit well if you're married or a partner to the Australian cricket captain then that's the highest way acquisition in the land yeah and with that comes a lot of responsibility correct and Bonnie Payne does it with a plum she does that to her shout out to but look cricket cricket scandals not as not as glory hole-esque as your rugby league right you're never gonna see that I don't think well I just think you know going back to a metric that you guys came up with a few seasons ago it's like you know it is on the scale of flashiness the flashier the wag the more trouble you have yes has the standard of flash in the Australian cricket team wag gone a bit less flashy I think it certainly has gone less flashy in the sense that they all seem to be like beautiful lovely decent women as opposed to like you know daily male types yeah yeah yeah yeah so the flashier the wag more trouble no rabbit are wagged in the cricket team yeah yeah moving on moving on uh but what is happening now the Australian cricket side who would you say is impressing you personality wise as the young fellas well we're talking about this the other day Tim Payne he's getting a lot of shit at the moment and we can we can probably touch on that but Tim Payne sort of walked into the side under a cloud of doubt obviously there was the whole cheating scandal which we went on over you know what was a couple years ago now straight in there where it was going a bit directionless Justin Langer comes in Tim Payne who everyone knew could keep but didn't fucking know anything about like geez that kid looks like he's eight years old you know what I mean no one knew that he was a almost an alpha which he's turned out a leader of men it was an arranged marriage I was like I don't know who this guy is yeah I'm not about to call you my captain but in the last couple of years I've learned to love him like if anyone saw the test documentary on Amazon Prime I think it's now on I think you can watch it elsewhere anyway that's by the way you're just like this bloke is a fucking leader of men like I'm all about him you know what I mean how he treats how he talks to the other players how he talks to the media he's sledging at times has been sick but then like but then and this is what's wonderful about I think it's wonderful that cricket in general right it's just how seriously everyone takes it and not only like the sort of the four hour breakdowns in between or post game analysis of like what happens to the captaincy when Tim goes but like he has one bad game bad test where he loses his cool in what was one of the fucking great draws from India like as if you're not going to lose your cool and you've got the game in the bag and then India just come out and hardly like fight their way to a draw and he loses his cool talks a bit of shit and everyone's like fucking disgrace he talked a little bit of shit he called him a dickhead and he probably is yeah he's probably speaking from some level of experience look whose side you're taking I'm taking my captain's yeah yeah you know what I mean but there's one thing about that I didn't really like is when he said wait until we get you up into Brisbane yeah because at that moment he basically conceded the fact that we were going to have a draw yeah which I don't like no I'm with you there yeah that's a good point if he was giving him a bit of lip you know Tim just throw the ball back to Pat tell him to come around the wicket and just try and hit them like in the face ribs everything yeah just injury yeah just say look I've sincerely had enough of you being here and you're talking to me so I'm going to go and stand about 30 meters that way I'm going to put on my strike bowlers and I'm going to tell them to come around the wicket at you there you go bounce you all day yeah bounce you out of the game look I agree with that Michael Clarke didn't really know how to swear but he did know how to do exactly what you're saying Earl which was when he said get ready for a broken fucking arm that is replayed time and time and time and time again people fucking love that didn't deliver it well it should be get ready for a fucking broken arm get ready for a broken fucking arm I'm not saying now the delivery but the point was there you know yeah people loved it yeah absolutely but these are all things though I think that Steve Smith can't do I don't know he is a great batsman he should be bowling more and he should be great singer yeah he's not bold standing at gully and just being there as like a bouncing board for the captain I don't know who the hell comes into it well they were talking about that the other day on ABC grandstand and it was a very serious topic and I loved how serious it was they're like who comes in after Tim and they're talking about Steve and is Steve the right fit and would Steve even want to do it and they're just going into all this sort of detail and but I my opinion is simply that if you turn your eye on the behavior going on in South Africa like if you don't even address it which apparently he didn't and again this is all alleged if you're that sort of captain I don't I just don't think that you're up to it personally no and I think that he's better off just focusing on scoring mountains of runs you know what I mean take that pressure away from him and go go out there and just hit 200s yeah 300s every average 100 every series like the problem though is that Tim Payne's about 40 and so when he goes there's not exactly someone do you think unless you listen unless there's no warning who says Travis heads the fucking next captain of Australia despite scoring runs for the country I don't know who else goes in anyway look I feel like we can get all ABC grandstand and break it down yeah no he's not a leader of men but he might be half like he might have to be a stop gap like get him back in there just till we see someone like minus top bring it back you can't you can't do that I don't know you can't bring him back for a little bit it'd have to be yeah you're back as a stop gap but you kind of have to right until you can bring someone through yeah or they could go the pen with panthers model where they have five captains well I don't think you just can't have a person who is a bowler as your test captain because I reckon they they break down too much I mean who who was the last fastish bowler that you think has a test captain cap I wouldn't need I wouldn't even have a clue it's Shane Watson okay he captain for one test and he's not even really he's an all-rounder he's an all-rounder before that I mean in terms of in terms of bowling I mean no but other characters in the game I mean like there's Manus is a Manus is a weird little character coming through right like he's he's he's quirky strange he's not like a uh a brash or like he's not like attitude character he's more like oh this guy's weird shit I don't spend a lot of time with smudge like those leaves yeah I don't know enough about he's surely learned them off smudge I just don't know him well enough no he's just a strange dude but I don't mind that we need to he's like a test now mate not since fucking Tomo and Lily has there been like a cricketer that we we can relate to like a footballer there has been cricketers aren't cool not since the 70s they are all even Warnie and we've mythologized Warnie to the very end is one of the weirdest men in Australian public Warnie Warnie and I think is I think everyone will admit it's getting weirder and weirder like the further he gets away from his illustrious career you know the shine comes off or or this is the Lothario who just chonged birds and took test wickets took test wickets like oh no this guy's actually as he's a strange character and he's good at two things poker and cricket yeah and like how worried he is about his hair and he wears the Peaky Blinders hat and pretends like it's just because he loves the show and it's like bro you know no one believes that though right yeah you know that I reckon if I went to a kick on at Warnie's house after a big day I reckon I'd be there for half an hour yeah yeah man he's got a mural in his house that he's trying to sell and I would go and look at all of a naked Angelina Jolie he's got a nightclub he's got like he's he's a stunt from the 99 ward cup final mate fucking hold it I'm like this is great Warnie but I've I've got to go yeah sorry I'm sorry yeah no I've got to go I've got to get out of here sorry but they're all weirdos I mean Darren Lehman was I guess a bit of a kind of yobbo and the last true kind of although JL field he was from Adelaide well JL's does Zendokai which is not a martial art that anyone understands so that's kind of weird yeah that is a weird thing but he could kick you in the head though oh you could kick kick my head clean like punters from Tazzie but yeah who was telling us the other day punter apparently worth 50 million yeah yeah he isn't who was that I can't remember someone on our podcast yeah he loves cash mate mate he loves it I mean who does it but like 50 million no but mate I've heard that Clark could be the same obviously Clark makes more sense because he was IPL era so he could have cashed in on like two seasons with the Rajasthan fucking yeah even still that's 50 million is Clark Clark could be 80 no no way no way no 10 his missus yeah but not Clark no part what's part 10 fuck he I would if he's lucky I'll be shocked pups still waxing his body within an inch of its life post-career I think he'd be a laser guy oh you reckon he's a laser man yeah he doesn't have time to wax well maybe the veet moose no look if he's a veet moose guy I'm not here oh he's a laser guy I overestimate that pup is 22 m's that's still that's still really still a lot of m's what's Ricky what is what's Google say Ricky is Ricky's about 50 but he's got a lot of he 50 to 90 there he's he's he's a good investor yeah well he'd have clearly he is a fantastic immortalized sportsman aren't meant to be worth money in retirement they're meant not in Australia anyway no they're meant to go on it on the way up yeah yeah yeah spend it on toys exactly well yeah that's the sort of what I would have expected for pop toys and extracurriculars yeah yeah yeah pups also um buying heavy heavy gym regiment post-career he's he's now like jacked I'm not inferring any sort of steroid yeah but he's pretty swole for a man that was just sort of like a you know so so sort of athlete physically it says here that Ricky Ponting's his first big big venture since retiring fucking ages ago is Ponting wines that's his that's not that's his first but is that his own one where he said I'd say that that's the first time he's having a pun on himself I think he's kept things quiet then yeah I think well I think he's probably just been you know adhering to you know the Warren Buffett school of investing where you just you live a pretty humble lifestyle but you just continually reinvest most of what you make and then you know it just it it snowballs to the point where you know you're like Warren and you're worth a couple of strong bees strong bees well punters probably spent most of his money on his hair because that's come back well I better probably evidence the fact that he's made a lot of money yeah his hair is doing pretty well well it looks it it looks as good as it's ever looked financial security is good for the hair to being follically gifted yep I tell you Steve Jobs young Will Pukovsky the bulgy bulldog he's got an incredible head of hair he looks great in the pancreas department sorry we're still under Steve Jobs but yes uh the Balkan Bulldog Will Pukovsky the Balkan Bulldog uh he is follically gifted yes yes and and and a private school boy which is pretty rare is that is fucking rare yeah I mean probably not since Ed Cowen but there's a lot of rhetoric and cricket about like it being sort of the rich man's game and the upper class game and all that but it's like it's actually it's actually no god like the the private school cricketers are few and far between but you see in New South Wales they have this thing which a lot of people forget about obviously the private schools have these hardcore programs where you know kids will go through hydroponic chambers and whatever and they'll come out and end up like hydroponic chambers they grow them but in New South Wales what a lot of people forget and it's not the case in Queensland is they have these sports high schools oh yeah yeah like Materville you know they are endeavor and they're like a lot of these kids came out of these schools where it's it is basically a conveyor belt dude just to jump on to like it's a different sport but they're I don't know what the school was in Queensland but one team I'm pretty sure had Payne Haas David Fafita and Tino Fassuamala are we in the same fucking side I would have been miami high or kebra park might have been kebra park where you're like holy shit that would have been the most intimidating experience for anyone else but you're like these these schools are actually where that where the Australia's athletes come from and league like the school boy league in the public school system in Queensland's red hot the Ipswich state high rugby league program would probably be one of the best in Queensland behind red hill it's like Australia's Friday night lights so yeah I heard it ruined junior rugby league a little bit New South Wales the sports high school because no one wanted to play because they're like we don't want to get played fucking matchable bloody high today and just get absolutely pounded there was nothing more intimidating as a young rugby or like a young footy player and you come up against some absolute monster and you're like oh well I'm just I'm gonna lose here man children you'd have one go and he'll bump you off yeah well that's gonna be this guy's gonna score six fucking tries I'd love to and we were saying in the podcast love to do like a follow-up expose on the man child who was like an eight try game operator instead of 13 14 where is he now what's he doing he was in the Victorian comp that kid we talked about the same no I'm just saying in general in general the the I remember one man child that was in like he was the biggest dude in our year at school animal bit of a bully but that's not important and then we went back for our sort of year 12 reunion and it was like he's the smallest guy there and you're like oh shit this is the follow-up to the man child yeah some some man child stay that way though some stay king of the jungle oh yeah particularly those young islander boys like when they certainly maintain their maintain bam bam two vases perfectly seen we've seen the photos of him as a young bloke just ruining a lovely weekend for a couple little white boys fucking just getting folded out there in mountain druid and then he stays big you know what I mean but for the uh you know for for the run of the mill man child that we we remember it was just the guy it was the guy that went through puberty first yes that was the man child um of course you know Australia's demographics have changed and now we have a bit more size in the junior ranks yeah yeah yeah so if we could go back to pakovsky for a second here yeah I'm not sure how we got there obviously won the allen border medal last year but you know the allen border medal yeah isn't the allen border medal oh sorry no no no no no no he he won the bradman young cricketer at the ab sorry the ab still goes to the winner yeah what do you think allen border would think of him he is injured at the moment he but it is a bit of a dubious injury and when you become endowed with the baggy grain you know it is an office of sport that transcends a lot of injuries where you've got players for a long time have been that they've been playing with injuries that have otherwise kept them out of the game but do you think that allen border would be disappointed in will I mean look I think allen border would be disappointed in probably most players of the modern era right like emotions well too many emotions you know not enough not enough facial hair yeah he probably liked pakovsky's hair but like I think also it's probably taken out of the players hands a little bit these days with like high performance managers and shit where they're just like nah you got your shoulders injured you're not playing they wrap the young blokes up as well and the young blokes seem to break down a lot which you sort of notice when you get older yeah like all the young like pat cummons used to break down every other day and now when you're bitter age bitter like you grow into your body he grows into his body you harden a little bit and now he's bowling his ass off every game so yeah hopefully with will it's a little bit of yeah bit young bit fragile and he'll become a man a man but is that a result we need someone like him in the setup or is that a result of being professional athletes because they I mean I don't know when what year it would have been or what year it would have been when cricketers were able to just become cricketers for a living but most of them were farm strong 22 year old blokes who would work lifting bales yeah they'd be look not to insert myself into this sort of conversation but I play cricket every weekend and I'm injured just sort of as a as a feature of being 31 and having a bad back and shin splints uh and I just managed to get out there and do the damn thing you know I just go fuck it maybe I am like maybe I am on strict bed rest for the following week after hitting a brave 50 in the last man standing competition but I but I'm ready for the next week yeah I mean that's what the Australian cricketers need to learn they need to take a little bit of div six um seven div seven last man standing approach approach to it um just just it's probably a happy medium that needs to be reached you're right like at the moment it's gone too far the other way like oh you got a needle rest it like mate there's one more test in the series let's let's be fair dinkum we're gonna needle you up needle him up yeah yeah yeah this is this is game three yeah essentially yeah sticks and tape just it's one or more we need to win this thing now we got travis head in there who look I'm cool with but like I'd be needling up yeah I'd be needling up and it sets a good example listen fucking shook and won't be tolerated get in there and rip ignore the injury your body breaks down you fucking cowards induce long-term injury you soft cunt what are you doing get the series on the line you get sleep when you're retired having listened to uh this holosport podcast of yours a few times tell me more about this last man stands competition because from what I'm led to believe you you have to retire at 50 they force you to retire at 50 but your average in the competition since you've started is 60.8 how does that work I appreciate you bringing that up and that was purely unprompted I must I must point that out last man standing at 2020 competition I do average 60 I appreciate you bringing up but I actually last season averaged 150 so that's just how the hell does that work because if you don't get out then you score like so if I don't get out two weeks in a row I basically hit 100 yep you know and I rarely get out and the next highest one in the team is a gentleman named will who's got an average of 23 yeah look I mean is it fair to say that you're carrying this team at the moment look I don't like to use those terms Errol sorry but um yes technically that is the only way you could you could uh I mean like you know numbers speak for themselves numbers speak from cells but I'm a team man some have sort of theorized whether there's like an element of has Bradman come down and sort of taken over my body and I'm not sure looking at those numbers you know it's hard to argue but again like I'm not a scientist if Bradman averaged 60 in div 7 I would all be pretty fucking worried wouldn't we yeah well it's been only it's the average what you're allowed to average you know what I mean yeah yeah wait what nature what would have Don Bradman been if he wasn't the greatest cricketer of all time as in like in life yeah I reckon he would be a creepy priest well it's like it's like that Bill Burr gag where it's like priest possibly yeah Bill Burr had the joke where it was like we shouldn't like let's not be too harsh on Lance Armstrong you know and it's the same with Bradman I guess he was like if we didn't have this man on a bike he was such a narcissist he was such a psycho if Lance Armstrong wasn't on a bike keep him on a bike because he would be polluting the oceans with poison and barrels of if you want like he'd be like he'd be Lance Armstrong and I imagine Bradman would be the same if we didn't put a bat in his hand would have been like the bad guys in Captain Planet like absolute Captain Pollution was the bad guy in Captain Planet wasn't he yeah well it that feels right yeah no that's absolutely that's true so look I mean maybe and that's me basically you didn't ever want to be a role model dude I didn't exactly that's not what I'm here for I'm just here to score runs for my div seven side carious to an unlikely premiership we don't win very often so we'll see right anyway yeah well you know you do have a win rate of 19.35 percent so basically you could say that your cricket team is is basically the bangladesh of of this competition yes correct and so I guess I mean you know but but improve what an honor can can and will knock off that the big boys once in a while yeah pull off a historic win usually content to you know getting flogged by New Zealand every Sunday we're just happy to be there you know it's not about the wins as and to quote uh some good friends of ours the great cricketer a good score in a losing side is far better than a good score on a winning side right because you walk out of there going well I've done my job absolutely absolutely and for those listening at home at the 40 minute mark this is officially dribble you want to know what dribble is yeah this is it and I sort of I felt like it might come to the fore yeah in the space of time yeah yeah and glory hole was mentioned pretty early well I just dropped it in like every sort of 10 minutes I just bring it back to that that was a sensational I mean just to finish on the glory hole again that was a sensational rugby league scandal because it was so very much what we were looking at you know I mean there was no nothing about that that wasn't what we were looking at there was no hidden angles we were looking at it this was based yeah concentrated rugby league and it was pure it's pure and we're just like it's happening yeah that's this is what's happened this is no one's really and like there's no you could have had nothing else happen in the entire off season and that one glory hole scene sort of has nice production on that pornography by the way like well not that lighting crew and shit yeah yeah I think there was a small crew it was a skeleton there was a skeleton crew I think and look Kurt's gone the big lift for the off season I think that we've theorized that's probably why it's a little bit quieter look we've still got a month and a half got another what six weeks I think to a kickoff so there's time there's plenty of time after the uh indigenous all-stars match we will get the boys back in here and we'll do that annual podcast we do where we rattle off the scandals we've held back today but you know we'll find them if we really dig around oh no no no there don't you don't you worry there's plenty out there there's still some there you could you could fill an hour yeah comfortably okay well we've managed to fill an hour with dribble and it's great to have you boys back on we'll do it again in a month uh when rugby league season kicks off and uh the soap opera that is begins cricket's been great but um I think we're ready for um you know Boyd Cordner to get knocked out one more time and then retire and uh and and there's all there's a lot to come this year so it's all going to be um spoken like a true Queensland yeah look there's a bring back Dane Cordner watch outside feed your brother yeah look thank you very much for having us it's always a pleasure to come in here and shoot the shit uh good luck to whoever's editing this one yeah yeah it's a young fella outside he'll be right he'll be right |
cracked | why_you_can_t_trust_eye_witness_testimony | Who did it? You probable manifestations of my rage-induced dementia. Who's responsible?
Okay, I even went, we work nowhere on New York City. Look at the time! I will go first. Um, if that's all right with everyone. Sarge, hit me in the window! I did the whole situation with Daniel! I'm the one! You didn't say who should go! Did you feel that?
I just took away one of your memories. You just forgot how to drive. Wanna forget how you lost your virginity?
Yeah, kinda. Look, Chief, we'll go first, okay?
The fire was... Accidental and electrical and- Awesome!
And totally Stuart's fault. Yes, Stuart, he should be fired. Uh, frankly, he's like a danger to everyone everywhere all the time.
Hey, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Shithead, what the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about?
Today was the best traffic day in crack.com's history. Two of our competitors shut down their websites and ship me the power rings of their senior staff for summary vulcanation.
I wanna know who's responsible. Oh, then why are you so angry? I'm always angry!
Oh, probably too late to say us. Someone else should go first. As I was about to say, I came into work this morning to find Michael talking to himself. So that was the first time I saved a baby seal? What?
He was talking to me, Mandy, I was right. Then someone else said something, I couldn't really stop and chat. Nice talking to you, Michael. Gotta run, call me and we'll talk gossip, girl.
Yeah! Man, none of this has sounded familiar. Later, I ran into Sarge. But I need access to the mainframe. I think if I can reprogram the way our past articles are paginated, I can retroactively generate tons more traffic. Sounds great! Uh, hiya, Sarge. I guess you talked it. When I finally found the server room, that weird guy from Accounting was there.
Nope, me again. That was me. That doesn't look anything like me!
I need to use the mainframe, Dean. Come on, Mandy, my feelings. Thanks. And then Michael burst in and started blasting it for no reason. It was really funny. Did you upload in time? I assume so. If site traffic went up.
No, no, no, that's not what happened. I will tell them what happened. I will... Hey, look, you can't even see me right now, can you? That's it! Time for mic vision!
Dan and I were swapping Thanksgiving recipes. And then you inject gravy into the ham and you set it on fire. I call it a Burnt Squeal.
You're the best. Nope. Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael. Got the girl. Nope, you're not super cool, Michael. I want to party with you. Yeah, we're not going to keep going with this, right? Agreed. Great. Michael and I were discussing... something.
And it was all charred and black like Burnt Seal. I don't think he was burnt, actually. I think he was... He just had horrible acne.
Nice story, Michael. Hey, Mandy, could you do me a favor and just stay away from the mainframe all day? Anyway, I gotta go. Call me and we'll gossip.
Girl... Gossip girl! It's a show! Yeah!
Michael, focus. Michael, focus!
Okay, you were saying about what a disaster today was? No! Yes, you were. You used our mainframe to crash the server? Yeah, to teach it a lesson. And you set Stewart's desk on fire?
Well, between you and me, I'm not totally sure he's blind, right? Because Rick is blind. Rick is blind!
Jury's still out. Okay, here is what's going to happen. I'm going to go back to the mainframe and fix it before anyone notices what you did. And I would've, but I got... delayed. You are going to put Stewart's desk out. Now, I'm going to repeat these instructions three times so there's no confusion, because I don't want you to try to hack Rick or put out the mainframe or any other stupid... I won't let you down, Rick! You already are in a very big way.
Okay, repetition one of three. And then I repeated it three times.
Oh, okay. Go on. Alright, I'm heading out.
Stay away from the mainframe. Keep him away from there.
Uh, hey, uh, Mandy. Actually, better than usual. Oh, oh, uh, hey. Uh, hiya, Sarge.
I guess you talked to Stewart then. Boy, you are messed in the head. Yeah. And then Michael got confused and tried to put out the mainframe. I wasn't confused. Yes. But, since we stopped Mandy and sites traffic grew, I can only assume that we save the day. Somehow!
Sarge? Vietnam. Oh, 500 hours. My entire goddamn platoon was being held captive. I was unarmed behind enemy lines and about four minutes away from getting blasted by a thunderstorm of napalm courtesy of Uncle Sam. I needed to get into Charlie's prison, secure rescue from my men, and get back across lines in three minutes until we were all toast. I've got two grenades and a f*** load of adrenaline.
I'm gonna go in and clear a path so you can move in and win this war! Sounds great! I'm gonna stop you.
Is it possible that you were living out of war, Flashback Sarge? I... Let's go ahead and say that's what happened. It would explain a lot. So what happened after Michael blasted the crash server with the fire extinguisher? Was it fixed at that point? I changed the upload anyway, and from the sound of things, my changes got through. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what happened. You couldn't upload because we froze you because Michael's the best.
What? Right, and I was like halfway through my guitar solo. That's hot. No one said that! Dan, what are you doing here? I've been here! Ahhh! Are we enough? Yes, Dan?
Sarge, for the last time, stop narrating the birdies that you are an unreliable... Hey, Mandy! Everybody shut up! Sarge, you're my bro. It's all good.
Mandy, you can't retroactively add traffic to the site. Morons, as far as I can tell, you did nothing but set a desk on fire and destroy a server. Uh... In great! So no one knows why the site set records today. Uh, sir, I couldn't help but overhear. I added a new widget to the Photoshop content page. Think that's what caused the traffic spike.
Finally! Thank you. You just had two additional years added to your life. Thank you, sir.
Who was that? I don't know. She is good, though. I think that's Dan. |
SaturdayNightLive | donald_trump_s_christmas_promo_snl | Uh, okay, Mr. Trump, if you could just step on your mark. have you had a chance to look at your lines? Here's how I want this to go. it needs to be fast because I'm in a rush. I'm the headliner on the Tony Danza show today. I want to see the crew doing their job in the most efficient and precise way possible. I know business, whether it's show business or international business, but the one business I do not condone is monkey Business, Okay? what's the first scenario? well, well, there's really no scenario, Mr. Trump. it's a commercial for your show. you're just going to read the lines and then I'll say Cut. I want to read the lines and then I want to say Cut.
Got it. Okay, here we go. In Five, Four, Three, two. one. fa la, fa la, fa la, fa la, la, la, la, la, La. this is the Donald, you better not pout, you better not cry, especially in the boardroom where your chestnuts will be roasting over an open fire. So tune in this Thursday for the re-airing of the season finale of The Apprentice. Cut. and Cut. Okay, Mr. Trump. and that's a Wrap.
I'm not sure that's a wrap. let's try it one more time. I'd like to try it one more time.
Okay. great. And at the beginning there, it's like the Christmas song. fa la, fa la, fa la, la, la, la, La. you just watch what I do and I think you'll be blown away. Okay.
I'm going to punch this one up with a few comedy twists. let's go. And five, four, three, two. Ho! I'm frosty to Snow Trump. what do you call an eskimo cow? an Eskimo. isn't that a great joke? I got that one from my driver. that kills me. Eskimo. fa la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, La. The Apprentice. Okay, Cut. and I think we're good. I got one more in me. Great. five, four, three, two, Ho.
I'm Trump Applause! And I think everyone should get something classy this holiday, whether you celebrate Christmas or Chanukah. Fa la, fa la, la, la, La, La, La, la, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La. Chanukah. Cut. and Cut. I think the Jewish viewers are really going to appreciate the shout out. hey, uh, hey, Mr. Trump, they're just calling your helicopters here.
Great, I've got to go. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get into my helicopter. it's the most luxurious helicopter in the world. And I'm going to fly away. And Derek Jeter's going to be there. |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_juke | It's by the same people, but this time there's three girls and two cubs.
Oh. Guys. Guys, this is way gnarlier than the original. Yeah, and the girls are a lot hotter this time. Oh my god, she's not. Oh. They're so gross, but so hot. Oh, I'm gonna juke. Oh man.
Murph totally juked on your desk. I'm terrible. What the hell is a juke? You know, when you're turned on but disgusted and you climax at your mouth?
That's not something that happens. Pat, seriously, you've never...
Hey, I gotta fars. What the f**k was that? A fart. A fart that you sneeze. Like that?
No, that's a snart. He really doesn't get it. This is weird. I'm not weird. You're weird. Oh man, what did I miss? This meatball's never heard of juking, farzing, or snarting. You're not even snarting?
Oh man. Oh my god, I'm sneezing so hard. This is cool, guys, okay?
First Murph jizzes on my desk. Juke's on your desk.
Okay, then he farts out of sneeze. He sneezes out of fart.
Whatever, okay? Just the point is, this is really gross and I have to go to the bathroom, man. Patrick, look. Poo-tears. |
SaturdayNightLive | car_bomb_press_conference_saturday_night_live | Later on C-span, the house begins hearings on the 2011 budget, But first, earlier today, accused Times Square car bomber Faisal Shahzad held a press conference to address the charges against him. Hello. my name is Nasrim Khardar. Mr. Shahzad has chosen to write his statement in his native language. I will translate with Ms. Ma. Good afternoon.
My name is Faisal Shahzad, and I am here today because I can no longer remain silent about the injustices I have suffered and continue to suffer injustices at the hands of the United States Government, which has unfairly accused me of crimes that I did not commit, and worse, injustices at the hands of the American news media, which has grossly invaded my privacy and lied about me at every turn. they have written embarrassing and inaccurate stories about my home foreclosure. they have pried into the breakup of my marriage, and, most hurtful of all, they have continued to unfairly criticize the Car Bomb on which I worked so hard, and to describe it in the cruelest terms imaginable. crude, primitive, third-rate, rudimentary, poorly constructed, unsophisticated, amateurish, unrefined, inexpert, unprofessional, obviously not well thought out, substandard, inept, unworkmanlike, bungling, half-assed, not even close to workable, low-end, the kind of device you'd find in the sale bin at a Mexican Kmart, useless, ineffective, complete waste of time and embarrassment, reminiscent of a first-grade science project, cockamamie, Bush League, pathetic, risible, a word I had not seen before, but which apparently means causing or being worthy of ridicule, an unmitigated disaster, lame, like something from a Roadrunner cartoon, slapdash, childlike, unmitigated. Since these press reports began three days ago, my sense of confidence and self-esteem has been completely shattered. I have difficulty sleeping, I have gained nearly four pounds, and I no longer find pleasure in activities I previously enjoyed, such as soccer and bomb-making. And for those in the press who are so critical of my work, I have a question.
What makes you so sure it was an explosive device? Maybe it was never intended to blow up. All right, fine, it was an explosive device.
Happy now? But even so, some of the news commentary is simply uncalled for. Dimwit, Paluka, Stumblebum, Buffoon, Mechanical Ignoramus, don't quit your day job, which is particularly hurtful since I do not have a day job. Dolt, Birdbrain, obviously not A-team, Nini, Meatball, the Fredo Corleone of the Taliban, Clown, Numbskull. We'll be leaving this press conference now and take you to the House Hearings on the budget. the program runs about two hours. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_241_Nooky | You've got myself, Clancy Overall and Wendell Hussey. How are you Wendell? Yeah, good. Thanks Clancy.
Getting back into it. A little bit of a slow start to the year, I guess. They do say the news never sleeps, but it's slept out here for a little while. It's been quiet over the Christmas break.
It's true.
It was a much less stressful Christmas. I find from, that's what I'm hearing from a lot of people is that we didn't have those borders and didn't have to worry about people fucking giving each other COVID at Christmas, which was certainly the case last year.
Did have to deal with the in-laws though. That's unfortunate. Yeah, yeah. But it was a bit more surgical it felt, you know.
Everyone after two years of lockdown, that 2022 Christmas, everyone was trying to get together at any cost and everyone ended up catching COVID if they didn't already have it. This time around, I think it was a bit small, a bit more low key. I don't know if I believe in this whole burnout thing, but I think everyone after a year of back at it where no one said no to anything, everyone was kind of a bit overwhelmed socially. The social battery needed to be recharged, which is the point of the Christmas holidays, I guess.
Relaxing. And it's hard to relax with 40 relatives on top of you. But it was almost nice.
It was nice to have Auntie Jackie back at it again, you know, all that sort of stuff. Back out. Back at it.
Absolutely. You missed it.
Speaking of stirring up trouble, today's guest is a pioneer of that. He's a, I've got all kinds of words to describe him. He's a media identity. He's a rap aficionado, rapper, almost heading towards rap stalwart now, wouldn't you reckon?
Young uncle.
Yeah. He's an emerging elder. He's gone up. He's gone up and he's in events and he's, he's a, I guess, a fixer, a black godfather.
I don't know.
There's all kinds of titles for today's guest. Thank you for joining us. Nookie. Hey, cheers for having me. Now, Nook, we've met each other over the years, an assortment of events and, and benders and whatever rallies. And I've always, I've always really appreciated your stuff as an artist, but also, you know, as a, as a community figure, as a community organizer.
And right now is always, I mean, this year is going to be a difficult year for Aboriginal people in this country because their entire history and existence is going to be put on the, you know, put through a blender by the newspapers. And we start talking about the indigenous voice and, and all that kind of stuff. It's going to be, I reckon it'll probably get a bit of culture wars about it.
It's already happening. It's already happened. And we've seen it with that.
We saw it with the plebiscite where, you know, every kind of a gay man and the woman in the country were forced to justify their existence.
The same thing's going to happen to the Aboriginal people. And that's not a first because you've obviously been doing it ever since the first boat arrived. And not only this year, but also this particular time of the year, when we start heading towards January 26th, the lamb ads already out, you know, that's also that that's basically when this fucking debate kicks off, you know, and as we've seen over the last 10 years, the, the idea of January 26 being treated as more of a day of a commemoration as opposed to a day of celebration. Some people don't even want to acknowledge it. And there's still a few people down there in the shire that want to wear a flag over their shoulders. We see a lot of flags in January 26, but we're talking about the Australian flag in this circumstance, someone who will be wearing the Aboriginal flag over the shoulders is you. Yeah. So, Alison, you know, we won't have touch on it for too long, but where were you when you started thinking about this thing called Australia Day?
Yeah, I think going back, my earliest memories would be like 12 or 13 is when I really grasped what it was. But for me, my old man, he's a bit of a big old bastard.
Yeah. He's 6'2", something like that, couple kilos, like old footy player, like his old weapon, right? Country rugby league. Yeah. South Coast. Yeah.
Bombardier swamp rats. I'd get crucified for that.
He was a narrow warrior. He stayed on our side of the bridge. Isn't one of those guys that's got like, obviously a few extra kilos or whatever, but still like looks hard, like you wouldn't run at him?
Yeah. But like, he was... He does look cuddly. Yeah. No.
He was, so like, yeah, he worked his way up the ranks, started that full back and then from there went the playmaker, then prop, finished that prop. That is the perfect transition. Just moving closer and closer and closer until you finish up in the middle.
Getting slower.
You know, one of those old tricky black fellas, like even, you know, he might've been 110 kilos, but his ball skills were hectic, you know? Still throwing a dummy in the middle. It's just maybe no one's blind at that time.
Chipping chase. Chipping crop doing a chipping chase.
Oh yeah. I love it. Yeah.
They got a good 20 meters in them. Good 10 meters.
That's it. It was good for one burst. Acceleration. The acceleration off the mark. The later years in his career, like you'd see him just go, one mad burst and then hand up.
Yep. Come. I'm done. Take a knee. But yeah, like even, even when he was a little fella, like people would step out of the way and you'd ask, you know, all the accounts I got, you know, kind of growing up, everyone talking about the old man, like, fuck, he was the only person that hurt you when, you know, he'd run at you. Yeah.
And that's back when he was, you know, number one, by the time he got to number eight, he's putting them to sleep every day. I'd be at school, the boys would rock out like, fuck, you should've seen your old man on the weekend. So yeah, like, you know, by the time I was, you know, a teenager, that's when he was a big boy. And yeah, so my first memories of Australia Day, like, me old man be putting the curry flag up on the house and just sitting on our steps with his shirt off, just like, just sitting there like this on guard. And I'd be in there watching TV, watching cartoons or playing the PlayStation and that and all, I just, he'd binge every couple, every couple of minutes and I was like, what's going on?
Mum's like, oh, Dad's out the front there with his, with the flag and that.
I never really knew what it was. And then I asked, what are you doing? He goes, I'm fucking letting these cunts know who's landed this. So what?
He goes, oh, you know, it's Survival Day and he kind of, they broke it down to me. And then- So you're very much in a Survival Day family, not a, you know, there's different ways of looking at it. As I said before, there's Invasion Day, they have solemn kind of commemoration and there's a day of survival. Yeah, yeah. So it was a mix. It was a mix of Invasion Day and Survival Day, but yeah, that was the first memories. And then from that, me mum took me to Redfern and I was, went to one of the Survival Day concerts with YRMC was performing. And then again, that was kind of like first time seeing black rap. So I went from, you know, old man out the front, staunch and the drivers going past to Survival Day, Redfern.
Yeah, right. And I guess around that time, I mean, given your age, you know, you're square in the millennials, I guess you'd say it actually, this idea of Australia Day ramped up in your lifetime. Yeah.
It wasn't actually ever meant to be a big thing. I guess it was the Cronulla Riots era when they started politicizing it in a different way, which was to, you know, basically forcing people to have barbecues and telling them that this is what you do. Before that, it was day off really in the eyes of most of most of the nation. And then, of course, the Aboriginal community kind of came to the challenge and, you know, and kind of delivered a louder voice over it.
And that, you know, that's obviously been hard work. But as we see every year, the rally gets bigger and bigger. When it was one year, it was 20, 30,000 people down there, even in Melbourne, which, you know, I guess is historically Fitzroy and that is pretty similar to Redfern. But, you know, that's happening in Melbourne.
Brisbane always goes off to actually get the motorbikes at the front of the rally in the MOB. Murray Original Bike Riders.
And so when did it kind of occur to you that you were going to do music? Like you said, you saw them down there in Redfern, some of the early kind of rap. You sure Shakaiah was there? Yeah. Oh, man. First time I've seen Shakaiah was at Westfield, Wollongong, in the little arcade bit there. You know what I mean? Like you could walk through that there's a little concrete sort of stage. Shakaiah was on it handing out posters and shit. Stop calling me, call me. That was mad. Yeah. So the music thing.
So yeah, the first, you know, first order guys I seen doing it were YRMC and Southwest Syndicate. But yeah, I had a big cousin from Queanbeyan, later moved up to Newcastle. Ryan Selway was his name. And so he was like the big cousin in the city, you know, the cool cousin that you wanted to be like. Trust me, like everything he'd done, I'd do. There was certain cousins that I idolized and I copied them.
One cousin went to the school disco, smashed the window. So my next school disco made it my mission to smash the window.
Done it. Yeah, yeah. Just a real influence.
Yeah, so yeah, my cousin Ryan, one of the most gifted fellas I've come across. And you know, to this day, like I put him out one of the best rappers I've ever seen. But, you know, standard black fellas, rap in the shed, all the talent in the world, but you know, just didn't really get out there with it.
So I started rapping just because he did. He was doing it. I thought it was mad. So I started doing it, just copying him.
How old were you then? Like 12, 13 or younger? Around that again. Yeah, 13, 14.
Yeah. You know, I started doing it a bit more seriously in around 16. But yeah, that's how I got into it. Just because he done it, so I've done it. And yeah, like the first kind of, you know, interaction with it.
Like, he come down home and he had his little laptop and a bunch of programs on there. And you know, one holidays, he made a bunch of beats and he put them on a CD for me and like he left them with me. And I used to listen to him all the time, not even rapping, just listen to him. So I'd put them in my little Discman and when I'd fuck off the school, I'd be listening to that on the way in.
And you know, school was hard for me. I like, I was one of those kids that's super disengaged. Like it wasn't my spot, you know what I mean? And there's lots of racism at the school.
So, you know, It's down narrow. Narrow, yeah.
So I was extremely disengaged, you know, had problems with my emotions. I was angry a lot of the time, fighting, arguing, wagging, you know, all the standard shit. So yeah, one day I was, you know, I was sitting in a class and I remember this one like pretty, pretty vividly.
The teacher was talking about stolen generation and you know, the teacher said some shit along the lines of, you know, it was never from a bad place. A stolen generation was meant to help the well-being of indigenous people.
As soon as I heard that, fuck this, boom, stood up, started walking home. So I started walking home and, you know, the standard, I had the CD in my bag and as I was walking, now it was a little town.
So like, you notice new shit. There was like a building there, just open, freshly painted, wasn't even open. And there was, so I just, I walked in there, you know, a little inquisitive black fella, standard little country boy walking around, just asking questions. What's going on? Yeah, that's exactly it. I just walked in and said, hey, what's this? That's, you know, something along those lines.
And they're like, oh, this is a youth center. This is where youth can come in and hang out. So, oh, so I can hang out here. And they're like, yeah, you can hang out here.
Mad. Thought I could hang out there and then on the spot.
They're like, oh, no, not now. We're not open. We're not open, but we're about to open.
I was like, oh, cool, cool. And then they said, we actually, we have a music studio downstairs if you want to have a look. I said, yeah, fucking hope I'll have a look. Went downstairs and, you know, there was a guy sitting there at a microphone and the computer and stuff. And, you know, he asked me on the spot. He goes, oh, look, you know, since you're here, do you want to record a song?
I said, oh, yeah, mad. So I had to sit in my bag, chucked it in, started rapping. All I said was, fuck this. And that person's a cunt. And, but after I finished, like all the anger I was just feeling from school, it was like, like I put it into the microphone, you know.
What a whirlwind afternoon. So I went, yeah, went back home and yeah, had had the song on me, listened to it. But like, I was pretty much back at the youth center every day, told me an old mate downstairs to record me and that.
Some nerdy little youth work. That would have been a good little fucking buddy comedy there. Oh, bros, you could, yeah, yeah, you could make a mad little TV series about the youth center and what we got up to.
And then, you know, fast forward a couple of years from there, rapping's what got me kicked out of school. So I get the year 12 right, and I would have been the first in my family to do year 12. So it was a thing. So I got the year 12 and like, mad, I'm here. And then it comes time to doing me HSC, right. And, you know, I tried to do, back then I tried to do a big cultural event back on the South Coast, mixing music, dance, all sorts of things. So it's always been, you know, within the vision, but you know, I was only in year 12.
Like, I didn't really have the runs on the board, had no fucking runs, wasn't even on the board. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, the school wasn't really getting behind that.
So I thought, fuck it, I'm gonna do a little CD, a little mixtape, hand that in. There was a song on there called Subliminal Twist, dissed all the teachers in there. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in the song.
So there was a like a price. Is this the price of education, heartaches, racism, indiscrimination?
There was a hunt. You know what I run that one with, black fella on the hunt, sick of being caught, a little black, that one.
And then there's a teacher named Nanos. I was like, fuck me, what rhymes with Nanos? Oh, you can't catch me on Quicker Than a Nanosecond.
Boom. Got them all in there. Hand that in. Yeah, you know, standard day at an hour high, Corey Webster to the principal's office, go down there.
There's my little CD sitting on his desk. He looks at me, he goes, refuse to mark this.
You sign yourself out now or we're kicking you out. Give me the papers.
Yeah, and that was it. That was it for school. Yeah.
Did any teacher say anything to you about it? Like, was anyone there? Nah, nah, I never got to see the teachers again from that moment.
It was pretty much, you're gone. It's an incredible way to get kicked out of school. It's like, I don't think anyone's ever put that much work into it.
It would have made an impression too. You know, the fucking was, it was like three months ago, I would have been fucking finished. Yeah. Could have let me finish. Nah, nah, yeah, I would have been the first. Could have let me go, but nah, done.
And so was that the job from there on out? Or did you find work or how did you? That was it.
That was actually like from there, went and done CDP for a couple of months at the youth centre. You know, back in the CDP days, you can, you know, do your little, little job, even mowing grass or finding something. So went and worked at the youth centre for a little bit, but it was pretty much that day.
Went home, told mum and dad say, look, I kicked out of school, I'm off. And then from there, you know, come to come to Sydney not too long after and I was knocking around Redfern Community Centre a lot, recording there. And that's just, that's how I got into it. And then tell me, how did it, because, you know, all of a sudden it goes from youth centres and I guess what they call bedroom rapping to bad apples.
Yeah. So what happened there? Yeah. So man, this is like, again, like a bit of a long, long yarn.
But so from going to the youth centre and stuff and community centre, like back when you were saying, you know, it was at the heart of Indigenous Sydney. So it was, it was a thing for people to come visit, like Snoop Dogg rocked up that one time, you know, people would just come. All the old uncles on the block remember when Michael Jackson came through. Oh yeah, yeah, I think Ali knocked that, rocked up one time, like, you know, it's just a spot they'd go to.
Tom Cruise.
But yeah, this is back when you can, you know, you couldn't get taxis there, like trying to get a taxi to Redfern back in the days, it wasn't happening. Blacklisted. Yeah, bro. So like these, I remember this one time in particular, like, Black Eyed Peas rocked up, right? Surprised visit. And as they come in, they're like, couldn't get anyone to drive us. Yeah, nah, that's the thing, you can't. So they rock up.
Taboo came through from the Black Eyed Peas and we had a little freestyle session at the centre there. And a couple of the Black Eyed Peas executive producers were there and stuff and a bloke by the name of Russell James, pretty prolific photographer. He was like Victoria's Secret's main dude for a minute. They were working on a project and they come through, you know, showed us what they were working on and stuff. We had a little freestyle session.
And then just as I was leaving, again, like that little, you know, that little black fella like to, you know, I stopped him at the door. What's going on here? Yeah, yeah, pretty much. I said, I just said, oh, thanks for, you know, coming down and hanging out. And they said, oh, look, we liked what you've done before. Like, do you want to go have a little private one? I said, yeah, oh, yeah, fucking no. So we went back and had another little session, just me and them. And then after that, they said, oh, look, we really, really like what you do.
How do you feel about coming to L.A. to record a song?
And I was like, fucking no way legit. I just got kicked out of school like a few months before this, right?
So fresh out of nowhere. All right. You just moved straight there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fresh out, man.
Like maybe it would have been a year at most. And so I think I was 17 when this happened.
Did you know going in there like this is it? This is a shot. No, no. I was just like, again, just that little, little cheeky black fella inquisitive. But like, I'll give it a go. A bit confident, you know, I did, although I did understand the like the importance of, you know, opportunities and making the most of it when they kind of arise, like I could have let the guys just walk out and nothing would have happened. But, you know, it was it was it wasn't just for that was genuine. Like I just wanted to say thanks. But I did have a little bit of an understanding where I was like, maybe, you know what I mean? And yeah, surely it did work out. I asked me if I wanted to fly to L.A., do a song. So, you know, I said, yeah, man. But, you know, didn't know if it would happen or not.
And in between, you know, flying to L.A. and doing the song, I moved back down the coast. I was living at Shell Harbor at Flinders, Flinders Estate.
It's a little spot down there. Lots of mob there.
And I remember I ordered some some pizza and that. And so you see, they're on the different time. So it was like it was eight or nine o'clock or something. It was night time for us.
Get a call from private number.
I think it's the pizza. Yeah, man, answer this thing. And so Corey, mate, it's Russell. I need you to sit in the airport in two days. I'm like, oh, mad. Anyway, so fucking yeah.
They ring up. I said they booked my flight and stuff. Yeah, went to Sydney again, jumped on the flight and yeah, went to L.A., recorded the song with Taboo, pulled up, man, had the full, full service. They had like the Escalade waiting for me, a little sign with my name on it. Yeah. And then they took me to this joint. And back then, I didn't know what this thing was.
All right. We're staying at the W Hotel. Pull up.
They leave a credit card down for me. They say, you can buy whatever you want. Just don't buy a car.
Brothers, all I did was buy DVDs and lobster for breakfast. Lobster for breakfast was mad and ordering all the mad movies, all the rock movies. The Rock was just doing all the acting shit. So I was getting everything The Rock was in.
Got that. So someone must have bought a car at some point. The fact that they had to say don't buy a car means it's happened before.
Yeah. Yes. And then so we do that, right?
Thought I was about to be famous. Thought I was about to be the first kid, Leroy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I made it mad. And yeah, come back to Sydney, straight back to San Lincoln. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you get a cut of the song? No, we'll see. Here's the thing. The song had a soft launch over there, but never really came out of it, like officially came out. But it did. I remember there was some write ups on it. Like we did hit a list of like songs, like top songs to, you know, come out around this time.
Brothers, I was on the on the list there with Kanye. I don't know if Kanye is still right to say Kanye. This is my fucking college dropout. I was on there. I remember being on there. There's a thing on like Hip Hop DX. It was like me and Taboo, Kanye, Lil Wayne, all on the list, like the top five of the things.
All right. So, yeah, that happened. Obviously from doing that, had a little bit of a buzz. Things were starting, you know, my name was starting to get out there. I was starting to do songs and shows and stuff. And like a bloke I'd met around these ways, Frank Trotman, used to work at Music New South Wales. And like, he kind of caught wind of the story just from being around Redfern ways and that hit me up. And, you know, I was a little, I was a kid, didn't know how things worked. I was like, fuck brah, you want to be my manager? Yeah, right. And so he managed me for ages and he was good mates with Briggs. So I was doing my thing for a few months, right? And then, you know, standard small town shit, people talking shit on Facebook. One lad, he gets on there, he reckons he wrote my stuff.
Andrew Bruss, I was fuming. I was fucking fuming.
I rang up the cousins down home, coming back, rang me manager, going off my head, fucking going to get on the train now. I'm going down there. And he goes, nah, don't do that, don't, you know what I mean? He's like, nah, fuck that. I'm getting on the train now. I'm going to go see this cunt.
And then, and then. He's been telling everyone he wrote, he's been telling everyone he's the real nookie. Yeah, yeah. And then, so anyways, he goes, nah, nah, cool it, cool it, cool it. And then, so he reached out to Briggs and then Briggs gives me a call. And he goes, hey. So Briggs has already got a couple of albums out by this point. Homemade Bones was out. I think Blacklist was, it either just dropped or was about to. Yeah, right. And then. So he's still very much hilltop hoods here at Briggs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The fucking, the wrong brother. Yeah, yeah, you got the wrong brother.
All of that, all that stuff, man. The, yeah, bruh, some of the. So what am I supposed to tell the kids when I can't tell you what fucking day of the week it is? Everyone's, bruh.
I was like, I love that shit, bruh. I was a big fan of him. Yeah. Massive fan.
And he kind of, you know, I mean, he wasn't, he definitely wasn't the first Koori rapper, but I guess he was the first one doing features with stadium rappers, like hilltop hoods. And he had video clips and stuff like that. You know, he wasn't the first, but he was the first to do it in the way that he did.
No one has ever done it besides, I'd say, Last Connection. Street Warriors had a mad run. Local Knowledge, mad. Last Connection done their thing. You know, they were around with elephant tracks and that, making a bit of a name, but Briggs, it was something else.
Like the energy, like the music, the statements, like the force, like it was, he was undeniable. So at this point, your average Australian hip hop fan has eyes on him. Yeah. But as a young black kid, he's more than anything, he's God. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he was God level.
And they get a call from Briggs. Telling you to calm down. Yes.
He goes, fuck that shit. You're not going to get, this is exactly what he said to me. He goes, fuck that shit.
You're not going to get anywhere punching down. You got to punch above your weight.
And I was one of the, one of the only people that ever walked, talked me off a ledge. Cause I was adamant about the girl. I was going to go down and punch the cunt out of him. I was set. It was happening. Briggs got me off of it.
And that's all he said. He goes, fuck that shit.
Don't punch down. Punch above your weight.
And that was enough. That was enough.
And then, so that was my first, first connection with Briggs. And you know, a few, a few years later than that. Well, he drops Shep Life.
Yeah. And Bad Apples. Yeah. Bad Apples is also one of those songs where kind of, you know, there's a before and after for Bad Apples. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.
What does he say? You call him good for nothing. I call him cousin.
That shit hit me, man. Bad Apples still to this day, something, one of my favorite songs, something I resonate with. Cause I was that kid. You know what I mean? Got caught at Bad Apple, got kicked out of school, all of that stuff. But exactly that, I heard that song. I felt hope. You know what I mean? Still to this day, like I fucking loved that song.
Loved Briggs. Loved the Bad Apples family.
Then you start touring with him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See that, that was mad.
Touring with Briggs, you like fucking learn a lot. Super appreciative of, you know, the stuff I got to see and the stuff I got to do. It really helped me with my stage craft and just being around him. Like, you know, you get so many gems from being with the lad, but even that man, like a couple of shows, I was in a bit of a bad place and I probably, you know, done some shit. Shouldn't have done some, you know, carried on a bit too much, but you know, you live and you learn.
Life on the road. Yeah, yeah.
But being with him, man, like actually being his hype man for a good couple of years was, yeah, it was, it helped me a lot. And I remember when I got that text, he used just a text message out of blue, ready to be my hype man and wife.
Fucking hell. Let's go. Yeah.
And it's interesting, at the start of this interview, I kind of introduced you as a stalwart and you know, obviously now somewhat of a pioneer. I want to talk about the role you played and you know, now everyone likes to take credit for it. When something happens and something as big as what I'm about to talk about everyone knows where they were, where they met and where they did this and that. But you, I was there when you brought out this buck tooth little kid from the fucking houses of Waterloo. I was in the crowd when you brought this little kid out wearing all rabbit eyes kit, the kid Leroy, before anyone knew anything, before he probably even had a social media presence or anything like that. I do remember it. So I'm going to bring it. We've snuck him into the club tonight. Yeah. Tell me about the role you played there because it's an undeniable role. There'll be a lot of people saying that they helped the kid Leroy become one of the biggest stars in the world. But I mean, I saw it with my eyes.
You did. Yeah.
Well man, like I can't take credit for Charlton brothers.
Like he had all the fucking talent and drive in the world. Like that was the crazy thing about Leroy man. Like not only did he have the drive and ambition, but he had the talent to back it up and like he would, he wouldn't take no for an answer. Like seeing him get into scenarios and places where like a 14 year old should be in there.
What is the yarn I heard where there was someone, was it Juice WRLD or there was an American artist in town and he was having an after party and the kid Leroy managed to get in there with a USB? Oh, that's probably happened more than once. I'm sure that happened with Juice and man, all sorts of funny stories, man. Like there was a little peep yarn, right? So little peeps videographer was out here for a show.
So at his peak, like American rappers out here. Yeah. And so he knew one of the like, one of the boys JD, like you said, when people would come over Sydney and shit, like you used to just take them around. So JD had a little party at a house at this house was JD like IE the singer, right? That's JD.
Travie P was there. Solo was there. And it was just like a house where everyone would just make music.
Video dude comes out. They show him some of Leroy's stuff. They send it to the little peep. Little peep's like, fuck, this is mad. Inbox is Leroy straight away. Boom.
He ended up at the hotel room with Swae Lee at one point. The one thing I couldn't sneak him into, but it didn't matter anyway. Cause he ended up linking with him a few days after was Hidden Festival. The one that Adam 22 was kind of hosting or whatever.
The YouTuber. Yeah. The hip hop YouTuber. Yeah. That's the only thing I couldn't get. Oh, he ended up giving him a tour of the houses. Yeah.
Like Leroy. Leroy was at the fence, at the gate.
He's like, can you get me in? Can you get me in? I was like, I'm gonna try bro, I'm gonna try.
But that's not, the security was tight as fuck. It wasn't happening.
But he ended up linking with him a few days after anyways. So it was all good. But yeah, man, like I met Leroy through Rick, who manages OneFour and Becca Hatch there. So Rick was kind of around him. And like he knew, Rick knew the importance of having your people around you.
So he's hit me up one day. He goes, I'm dealing with this indigenous kid from around the ways. Why don't you come through and just kick it with him? I said, yes, we brought bring him to the studio one time. So I had a session at studios, me, solo, Willstar. And yeah, Rick brang Leroy through. And you know, he come through, oh Nooks, man, what's doing bro?
Like, you know what I mean? Blackfellas we all, you know, we know each other. It was like, when Briggs, you know what I mean? So I'd be doing, I've been doing my thing by this point. So Leroy kind of, you knew who I was and shit. Came through and said, oh, show us what you got young fella. Jumped on the mic.
Fuck. I said the Rick, this is the one I like, like proper. It was like some Neo in the matrix shit. You know, like it was the fucking, the one, it was the one. You could tell it was just, just something else. And then, yeah, you know, like I used to go see him and his little brother Oz, down around Redfern and that'll be giving them $20. And shit like that. Just, you know, big family shit. Just looking after it.
I remember, I was with you. I come down to Sydney for the Wu-Tang. Yeah. And I think you, maybe you will bring sorting tickets.
And then he was, he was sitting between us and he was so young. He wasn't even looking at the Wu-Tang fan. He was on Snapchat the whole time. 14 year old kid.
I was like, do you maybe want to watch this song? Like, this is called Cream. I think it's like a bio.
He's just not interested in the old man. He was interested, he was taking it in a different way. He wasn't there to watch like us old fucking codgers were just watching this rap as we grew up. He was like, yeah, that's cool. He'll look up when he's interested.
Yeah. Funny story with that one too.
I grabbed him, I picked him up after school to take him to that. Right? You left his bag, like stashed his bag at my house. Never came back and got it. It wasn't too long after that where he took off. Really?
His bag's still there. He's been in LA for four years. So yeah, hanging around him.
And then that, that one, the block party I threw down at the lands down, Kobe was there. That was like an early Kobe performance as well. Becca Hatch was there.
He hit me up. He goes, hunk, can I play?
I was just not going to say no to the kid. Fucking no. So we snuck him in and you know, the rest is kind of history. And I remember Instagram was a big thing for him at the moment. So when I brang him out, like part of the thing was I stopped the crowd to say, look, going to bring, you know, I need everyone to get your phones out. Follow the kid, Leroy on Instagram.
Trust me, you're going to thank me for it later. Fucking sure enough. Boom. You know, they got in early.
I think he went from 20 followers to 200. He was cheering through the roof. He was like, fuck yeah, 200 followers. If you're on 200 million now. All those people too would have been like, I was the 50th follower of the year.
He's my mate.
And then, you know, the mad thing to see though, is when Leroy came back for the tour, he could have put fucking anyone on stage. And I think a lot of people were expecting him to put on like a big act. He went and grabbed Arthur. He went and grabbed little hearts. Again, it was Leroy, early stages. Just a little lad from around the ways.
Really? Fuck all songs out. But Leroy put him on, bruh. Yeah, really?
It was mad.
Like he would have had the time of his life, like private jet flying around Australia, doing shows, bruh. So he basically did the, he did the Lansdowne. Yeah. What you did for him at Lansdowne. He did it for this kid in, in Kudos Arena. Yeah, bruh. That was mad. To see him do that, like, and to go back to, what's the name of the spot, bruh, another one of the youth centers around there, give them a hundred grand. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The factory. Down there in Redford.
Yeah. So to see him do that, man, that's fucking mad. Yeah, yeah. Where he used to go after school. Yeah, yeah.
So, all the, all the love and respect in the world for him. Like, man, we'd be going to the towers. I remember we went, went and kicked back with, one of my uncles, he's passed away now too. He's like, just recently gone. Like he was like the big song man for, for down the coast.
Yeah, right. He had a spot in the towers there. Waterloo. Yeah, yeah. Redford, yeah. Yeah, so we went there one time with Leroy and, yeah. He actually like, he knew, he knew his son, so it was a spin out, bruh. You know. Yeah, yeah. Old uncles too, like, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. My young fella, he goes at the factory there. Yeah. And I think he stuck up for Leroy one time. Like, this lad, like he does some drama, brothers and like, little cuzzo, sort of the, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, you're obviously, on the road, you know, you sacrifice a lot, I guess. I'm sure the, the kid there was a perfect example of that. He wouldn't, he'd be living out of a briefcase for three years now. And you know, you can't feel sorry for someone in that position because they're living the dream.
But, on every level, whether it's, you know, I mean, you've got nonstop gigs around NAIDOC, and we'll be back. Pay week. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We were also about to talk about, you know, the event you've got coming up this week.
But, I've got a bone to pick with you, Nookie. As a, proud young black man, how dare you, miss the first ever Koori knockout in your home town. Oh, brother, you had to bring that one up.
I didn't know that. I was, I was wondering, I was watching it. I was wondering, I spent the whole weekend watching it on NITV.
I said, surely Nookie's going to do like a pop-up gig here at some point. So we'll tell the yard, the Black Cockatoos, win their first ever Koori knockout. That means you get to host the next year. Pandemic hits. There's no Koori knockout for two years. They finally get the chance to host.
From now, there's two people that are famous. There's Nookie, the man we're interviewing today, and there's Andrew Walker.
I'm sure Andrew Walker was there. I'm sure he had a run. Yeah, I'm sure he had a jersey on.
Might've been with the Black Cockatoos. What happened to you?
Right, so these were all fucked up. Fuck. I'm self managed at this point. And that like, double booking ain't an issue with me. Fucking triple booking. Yeah, right. You know what I mean?
So I had this, treaty day out gig booked a long, long time ago. My dates are fucked up. I thought the long weekend, October was, in my head, it was the week after. So I was like, when the treaty day out mob hit me up, and this was well within a year advanced, they hit me up.
Lock it in, boom, done. Sweet. Cause I thought, you know, the long weekend was the week after. And then, yeah, when we, and Cuzzo there, he runs the Black Cockatoos. Wello rings up. Yeah, we lock in for this after party. You can headline it.
He goes, I've had four different cunts come down here, and drop your name. And I'll tell them all, you know he's my cousin, right? I can just ring him direct.
Two of these people I've never heard of before. He was telling me the names of, Cuzz. I've never heard of them in my life.
So, everyone down there trying to, you know, so yeah, I said, yeah, bro, just, you know, anything for down home. Let's do it. And then when I see the dates, we're the same day.
I'm like, ah, fuck. Fuck.
And then the thing is with these Victorian mob, they paid half up front too, so I already had half. And then I would have felt terrible doing that. Leaving them in the lurch. And then, so in my head, I'm trying to work it out. I'm like, ah, look, I was playing a primo spot too. I fucking closed, I closed this festival. In my, like I asked them, I said, hey, can you ask one of the earlier guys if they want to swap? I'll play first. So I can try and get back.
From Melbourne to Nowra. Yeah. How would you do that? Wollongong Airport? Yeah, something like that.
But it just wasn't happening. So I fucking, yeah, missed it.
It would have been one of those ones as well, where like someone calls in sick to work and then they're just spotted on telly at the sport. Like they're just watching the knockout and like, yeah, yeah.
And I would have felt like, these treaty Victorian mob, they're, they're sick too. Like they're mad. So I would have, like I would have felt terrible if I'd done that one.
I was like, I ain't gonna lie, fought across my mind. The fought did cross my mind.
And the airports were fucked at, at this moment as well. Remember when the big drama was at the airport?
So there was a chance I wasn't going anyway. So I rocked up. So I missed, I was supposed to go to Melbourne, like a week before that for a gig. Wasn't happening because of the airport drama. So there was a chance I wasn't going. So I rocked up and I thought, look, you know, if the airport's fucked and the flight's canceled, I'll just go to Nowra.
And I won't feel bad because it's true. But yeah, so then, and then that one, I felt. You're honored, you're honored the first, the first booking.
Yeah. And like, you know, I kind of rang the boys and said, look, I can't make it by fucking, I'll sling you some bucks, go to the VIP booth on me and that. So yeah. Yeah.
Oh, they'll win again. You'll get your shot again.
Yeah. And it was mad to see them win because they came close, like the previous two, three years, real close. So to see them actually take it out. Yeah.
I think that's, ESPN need to get down there and put cameras on the Koori knockout. It's one of the most intense sporting exhibitions you'll ever watch. Bruv's like, should be like a no limit box and knockout of their lifers, punch ons on the field.
Yeah. The Roseboys got into a bit of a Barney. Oh, I think it was with the, with the lads. Yeah.
The first game. Everyone was accusing them of buying Latrell. And they said, they said, he's chosen to play for us. Oh, Bruv's always even like mad at Latrell's fucking Benny Barber, he's in the camp.
He's not come from Darwin. I remember Matty Rose a couple of years ago, taking someone's head off.
Yeah. And the ref was like, mate, you got to go for 10. And that's rare. They get sent off in the Koori knockout. Yeah. They certainly have a bit more elasticity with the rules, bigger hits, but you know, you missed the knockout down home, but you're going to make it up to them this week. Yeah. Tell us the event. Yes. What's happening?
Black Powerhouse.
January 26th, we're doing a full venue takeover of the Powerhouse Museum from the outside of the building to every single level on the inside. Every corner of that, we got covered. So the old Powerhouse where, you know, anyone from New South Wales would have been on a school excursion there.
Yeah. They got the science centers and they got all that kind of stuff. They got the rail museum. It's a massive space. Yeah.
Next to Darling Harbour there, isn't it? Next to Darling Harbour. Yeah, right down there near the casino.
They've given you it. Yeah. You've booked it out. Booked it out.
Man, it was funny how it all kind of came about. So I started this thing last year. We Are Warriors is like a purpose-driven business about, you know, kind of highlighting indigenous success stories and, you know, just doing cool shit. Just your youth center kind of history, right?
Yeah.
So like from day one, starting music, I've always wanted to do this. Like I wanted to take that youth center, you know, give it some, some antiviral or something like just youth center on steroids is what I wanted to do from day one. I knew music was the vehicle to get to that. So for me, it was always about leaving Nara and coming back to doing something like that, right? So COVID hit and I wanted to, you know, to do something.
It actually all kind of started around like the, the Black Lives Matter thing. We had to march and shit together.
Like a mate of mine hit me up to have a little bit of a yarn. We had a yarn.
He said, you know, well, what could we do? I said, oh, bruh, you know, for me, you know, it's kind of, it's a trending topic at the moment, bruh, but it ain't new. And there's fucking, you know what I mean? Like if you really, if you want to do something, it's going to take some time. And I told him my idea of, you know, starting like a youth center on steroids and you know, this is peak COVID.
So getting, getting a building and opening a youth center wasn't going to happen. So we took it online and kind of launched there. Seven months in, a kind of opportunity popped up with City of Sydney for a creative space, applied for that. It's not open yet, but we got it, right? So we got a physical spot now and you know, hopefully it'll be open pretty, you know, the first few months of this year. So we are warriors as a physical space for the City of Sydney.
Not too far from the Redfern. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not too far from it. And like just straight up the road from the powerhouse, right?
We shot a documentary back last year that we've been sitting on for a while looking for a way to release it. And you know, as we were in our new building, just kind of just chilling, looking at the powerhouse, why not? Let's ask them. So we went- That inquisitive little kid.
I don't know if they'll take it or not.
Anyways, we went down, had the yarn, met up with Emily McDaniel. He runs like the, you know, indigenous side of things down there.
And we said, hey sis, we got this. We're thinking this. What do you reckon? It's cause we had these conversations last year, right?
She goes, oh, like, you know, I'd like to get behind this a hundred percent. How's March next year? And I said, oh sis, has to be January 25.
Originally it was the night before. So like, you know, my, my thing, my thinking was like, you know, we are warriors. Like the acronym is like war. When you say it out loud. So like for me, it was like the night before the war, the night before the battle, the night before January 26.
And then we just, you know, we decided just, let's just do it on the 26. It's like our one year birthday. It's a big, big thing. And yeah, they got behind it. They took it. I was a bit shocked. I was like, fuck, they're doing it. They're letting us do it. So yeah, we kind of taken over the whole building.
Yeah. So what do you run in there? You got panels, you got, you got to do the screening of your doco. Yeah. Screening of the doco, which called through the fire.
And this kind of, it's the story of we are warriors, but roughly follows like the story of like our dream, a story back home of the black cockatoo, which is a, you know, the story of that one goes is, you know, white cockatoo flies through fire, you know, it gets burnt, deals with a bunch of shit inside the fire. And you know, you can, you can let that shit consume you. You can lay down and die, or you can say, fuck this, I'm gonna keep going. Come out the other side. So that white cockatoo kept flying, came out the other side, different, like he was black, he was burnt, charred, scarred, you know, had to kind of dig deep in there, learn a lot of lessons about himself and the world, came out different. Like he carries those lessons with him today. You know what I mean? So it was like a story of, you know, kind of hope and not giving up and coming through on the other side. And what he done when he got out was like, he sang the rain to put the fire out. So it was about making change as well, you know, like putting the fire out. So we follow that story and you know, kind of depict we are warriors by following that. And the reason why we've done that is, you know, I went through a pretty, pretty dark time, pretty rough, rough time.
Like there's a few, few moments you would have seen there, Uncle Arch, but went and done a little, little detox and that, that's all I needed. I was on my way to rehab. Circuit breaker. Yeah. I was, you know, before you go to rehab, you got to go do your two week cleanse. That was enough for me. That's all I needed. I was needed the two weeks. Get back in the gym. Yeah.
But that two weeks, I was sitting in the little, you know, the little drug and alcohol center over Concord. It's like, it's the drug and alcohol and the mental health thing, put in the one, like it was pretty out of all the joints. There's no real nice joints you can go.
This one was, it was a hectic one, but it was good. It helped. It was what I needed. I went in there and like, discussions about where your worries were in place before I went in. And then like I was working with RGA, which had like a big branding, marketing design sort of agency, like some top notch guys in Blackfall.
I went missing on it. I went missing. Cause I was in there for two weeks, right? So they're like, fuck, where'd this lad go?
And, but so while I'm in there doing the detox, all I worked on was like, we are warriors. So like that was me going through the fire. We are warriors is what came out on the other side, but they got the full experience, man.
Like I walked out of like the rehab, still me shit in the garbage bag. I'm ringing them, so I'm coming in, I rocked up to their office for a meeting, garbage bag, clothes and shit. Drop it on the floor.
All right, where we at? Yeah. The black cockatoo. Yeah. So that's how it all kind of kicked off. So we, you know, with premiering that little doco there, which is kind of just like a half music video, like hybrid sort of thing. Got a bunch of music from, you know, the regular culprits, Barker, Kobe D. So you got different rooms, different spaces in the whole thing. Yeah. Different rooms. And what is it? All day from five to nine a night. Yeah. So, you know, no ideal world.
If you want to plan your day, you go to March in the morning, go kick back at the oven for a bit. Come to our thing, then go to the after party.
Boom. But yeah, taking over. Jagged edge. Yeah. That's it. 112 and that. Fucking Randy Travis. Bone thugs. Yeah. Randy Travis and bone thugs. That's it. Man.
What was my Spotify rap that time? I had a mad one. It was like, Ben and Johnson hit me up when I posted it.
He goes, that's the most South coast thing I've ever fucking seen.
My top two was 50 Cent and Randy Travis. You know, you get the top, the top two, 50 Cent and Randy Travis. Your yearly rap was 50 Cent and Randy Travis.
Yeah. So yeah, taking over the whole thing. There's the music side of things. And then we've got Luke Curry Richardson doing like, like a photography exhibition, coffin birth, that mad illustrator done some work for us. It's like hectic. Like I hit her up. I said, black power cyst. That's the brief. So if you want to do a picture of the endeavor on fire, fucking go hard. God. And you know, it says something along those lines too. So there's that.
We've got like a main cinema area for the viewing. And there's also, there's a thing in there called Kings. It's like a small cinema.
Right? So I walked into Kings the other day, doing the site wreck and all that. Look big professional now, doing the site wrecky, going to see Kings, right?
And I said like, it's like a small intimate theater. And I walk in there. And as I walk in, I kind of reflect back on the story.
My nan told me, and this was a pretty funny moment for me, like my pop, he's English as well, right? Me pop, he's from England. My nan's, you know, black followed him down the coast. And I asked me pop one time. I said, all his mates were black. So I said, how'd you end up with the black fellas? He goes, oh, they fucking didn't like me either because I was a pom.
So yeah, him and nan have been together for a long time so they can have little playful jabs and that, you know what I mean? So, you know, like the oldies like to recollect their days and stuff, tell you the yarns. So they're sitting there talking about the movies one time and nan made like a little joke.
Like, ah, fucking you had seats, right? You had seats. I was like, what do you mean nan? You had seats.
And she goes, oh, back, you know, these are movies back home. Yeah. Back in the day, like all the white kids, like the, you know, the tiered seats and shit, they had seats. She goes, me and my brothers and sisters, when we'd go there, that a roped off section at the front, just underneath the screen where we'd have to stand and kind of look up. So like the, you know, they're there watching a movie with their head up like this all the time. So they, you know, have a sore neck after the movies.
So I'm in there, like in this little, the King's part. And then, you know, my head just goes back to nan telling me that story. So I was like, all right, we're going to, we're going to do a roped off section in here, kind of acknowledging that. And my nan's coming from now. So, you know, we're going to do the roped off section, but I'll make sure my nan's got the fucking best seat in the house now.
Yeah, right. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah. She's coming on up. Yeah. Oh, so it sounds like you're pretty busy this next week, mate. Yeah.
Well, we'll try and get down there. Everyone listening should get down there for the Warriors and the Kings and the Black Cockatoos down there at the Black Powerhouse. And we didn't even have time today to get into your media career. Can host in the triple J hip hop show now.
Yeah. On the blackout every Sunday, five to six, 6 p.m. So float. You're hosting the cyphers too? Yeah. They tapped me in every now and then. Yeah, right, right.
The bars of steel. But yeah, that was kind of, that was a mad one.
Thanks for joining us. Yeah. Well, thanks for joining us, Nook. All the best. A fair bit going on. Yeah, no, hectic, hectic. Thanks. Thanks for having me on. Thank you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Blocker_Makes_Observation_You_Gunna_Eat_That_RentSeeker_25_09_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap, on Desert Rock FM, 96.5. It's that time of the week again, welcome back to another Batutah Advocate Weekly News Wrap, my name is Clancy Overill and with me to dissect the week's news from our fledgling regional newspaper is Errol Parker. Great to be here again Clancy and thank you. Kendall Hussey is still on annual leave up in Port Douglas with his young family. Yeah he sent me a picture last night of him standing on the bow of his fishing boat with a lever action rifle, he tells me he's shot a lot of dolphins, hopefully he's been sharing the meat around. Well bottlenose are the wagyu of the sea, you ready to get into it? Let's go. First up Clancy, one of our most clicked stories of the week.
Blocker makes interesting observation that a good team will be hard to beat if they play good. Blocker Roach, legend of the game, was this article just pointing that out Clancy? It was, it was Errol, Blocker's commentary is second to none, Blocker likes to drink too, he's new as well, he's a cornerstone of the rugby league community and because of that he demands the respect of all in that world. Especially the respect of super league experts who look like a stick of roll on deodorant.
Yes especially them. Next we have a special article that tugged at the heart strings of everyone in the country. It was a story about those whales getting stuck on a sandbar way down there in Tasmania. Very sad indeed, I'm feeling myself get emotional just thinking about it actually. Yes the story that we ran on this tragedy was Japan ask nation if we're going to eat that. And of course the answer to that is no, we're going to do what any other well adjusted nation would do, we're going to either fill them with plastic explosives and blow the whales all over the beach head, or we're going to drag the corpses out to sea and cut them loose. In these situations Clancy it's often sometimes hard to know what the right thing is. If it was up to you what would you do? I'd most certainly choose to blow them up, I've seen a few videos of that and it really is spectacular, especially with the methane once it's been rotting for a while it really blows and it must stink like shit. Yeah I'd also like to eat it I suppose. Yeah I've had some dolphin, it's quite gamey, tastes a bit like horse but look if it was up to me I'd probably just meet those two options in the middle and higher a D9 bulldozer and push them all up in a heap on some dry sand and burn them. Yeah right, well I hope our next story restores my faith in humanity. Clancy just telling you now it probably won't, one of the biggest news stories of the week came from one of our town's most exclusive boy schools.
Was it Chaucer? As an old Chaucerian I'd be so so embarrassed if it was.
No you and your mates are off the hook this time mate, this particular incident happened at Petuda Grove's Hooton School for Boys and it involved a muck up day prank scavenger list whatever that means. Ah yes details of this scavenger hunt were leaked to the newspaper by Disgruntled Prefect who was left out of the so called fun. We published our exclusive on Wednesday with the headline, society shocked that fuckwit factory has produced even more fuckwits for society. Our paper was scathing to these young boys who will one day grow up to be our bosses if you believe what they say. Some of the list items on the scavenger hunt included urinating on a homeless man, taking a shit on the electric trolleybus, king hit a cop, smoking a cone and cream pieing someone.
Jesus Christ it's almost like these extremely over privileged youngsters have never really done anything. It just makes me so mad. I mean there's wet behind the ears and then there's this shit, I mean not everyone can punch a cop and get away with it, you'd either have to be a politician's son or a son of a judge. Well most of these little bedwetters are.
Well Clancy this next story is a bit lighter, it's a tale of hope coming out of Melbourne. Great I love to see this kind of story. Yes the story Melbourne, yes the story, Melbourne bloke is going to do a full fucking week at Revolvo after all this is over, was quite popular with our Victorian readers. I didn't think we had any Victorian readers and I'm not really sure what's so good about Revolvo, I mean sure it's a fun place but the last time I was there Julian Burnside was lying down in the piss trough and no one seemed to care, I mean people were just pissing all over him.
Yeah I know I was there, you tried to drag him out of the urinal but he wouldn't have a bar open. I know like I thought he was unconscious or dead, I don't know I just don't really get Melbourne at all, I mean it's a long way from central Queensland I'll tell you that for free. Melbourne was shouting at him, trough boy, trough boy, had his mouth open and his tongue was out. He had a urinal puck in his mouth. Back to the story for a minute, this bloke in lockdown was going to take a little backpack with him into the club with some extra socks, jocks and some bottled water, good to see he was planning for everything.
I don't know how you'd spend a whole week inside a nightclub, I mean don't they kick you out to clean the place after a while? Couldn't tell you those days are long behind me but I'll tell you what, we used to carry on at the Yarraka Hotel for days on end, those were the days, now you can't do anything. Which brings us onto our last story because like all parties they have to stop sometime and today the free money party from the government has come to an end. The JobKeeper and JobSeeker payments are getting chopped and nobody knows what the fuck is going to happen afterwards.
And there's one group of people who are now calling for government assistance, landlords of course, am I reading that right? Yep, another story of ours that received a lot of feedback over the week was PM Unveils new rent seeker allowance to help struggling investment property owners. Good to see a government looking after the people here, the nation's property investors have been put to the sword recently, their tenants have lost their jobs which means landlords have lost their ability to pay their investment mortgages through the wage slaves that are contractually bound to live inside their houses. Yes, wouldn't it just be an indictment on society if a red-nosed fat prick with a few investment properties under his belt had to pay his own mortgage, like I'm talking like those fat old boomer fucks with a neck on them that looks like a wheelbarrow tire of flesh, the type of moral and social and economic handbrakes on our society that would be one of the first types of people to be dangling from a fucking streetlight when the perch happens. Jesus Christ mate, what the fuck did the rich man ever do to you? I don't know mate, I just want what he has, well not all landlords are bad I guess. That's it mate, just dream of being a landlord one day, work hard and have a red hot go. Look at the size of those bootstraps and those backstabs of yours mate, just pull them on and tell your Malcolm Turnbull's neighbour, he's a real rags to riches story that bloke.
And I think we'll end on that note. Thank you for listening to this week's Patoota Advocate Weekly News Wrap, my name is Clancy Overall, be kind to each other. And my name is Errol Parker, remember to tip your landlord for Christmas, it's been tough. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Healthy_Eating | Do you sometimes feel that healthy eating can be a lot of work with very little reward? Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onions tips for healthy eating. First, identify your weaknesses and then condition yourself to avoid problem foods by associating them with deceased relatives, unrequited loves, and traumatic events.
Remember, alcohol is a source of empty calories. So be sure to keep your drinking under control, unless you're really fucking stressed out. Like if something shitty happens at work, or if your cat gets hit by a car. Here are some other instances when it's okay to consume more alcohol. A big part of avoiding unhealthy foods is keeping yourself distracted from your cravings.
Get involved in the Babylon conspiracy theory believed by the Rastafarians to truly keep your mind occupied. Is the white patriarchy oppressing the black race right before our very eyes? Is it time for all humanity to give up on our lives of toil and misery and return to Zion, the land that Jaa promised to us all?
If you find yourself suddenly craving a fatty food, let yourself enjoy the best of both worlds. Tape a slice of ham to your tongue and slowly absorb the taste throughout the day without swallowing. Be sure to replace your slice every four to six hours. Stay motivated by paying yourself one dollar every day until you meet your weight loss goals. At the end of ten years time, spend that cash on a cosmetic operation of your choice. There! Now you're ready to begin your new healthy lifestyle. Thanks for watching The Onion's Tips! |
TheOnion | gameological_society_vhs_star_and_joystick_master_pete_strackmeier_puts_you_in_touch_with_the_wii_u | Ugh! Change the input! Toggle the source! Ugh!
Is this you? Of course not, it's me.
But perhaps I remind you of you trying to manage all of your entertainment devices. Well, you're in luck, friend, because our friendly rivals in Japan have invented their own device. It's called the Nintendo Wii UH, and it promises to turn this into this. I'm Pete Strachmayer, Joystick Master. Let's learn to video game. While my assistant, Chat, installs our Wii UH, a bit of background. You may remember Nintendo for their Wii machine, a bowling alley simulator for shut-ins. Well, the Wii was the brainchild of Nintendo's own Shigeru Myumetuexcuse me, Shigeru Myumetu-san. And with this new device, Shigeru and his team of Imagineers bring you their most elegant creation yet. The centerpiece is the GamePad, thank you Chat, which you can see here. It features two joysticks, ten joy buttons, and one joy screen, which gives us a glimpse of the future with its ability to process a human's touch. Wii UH owners instantly gain access to a vast library of games, including Mario Brand Game Substance number 75A, Zombie University, and TBA.
That last one sounds excellent, Chat, but today we're playing Welcome World, the marvelous amusement park game. When you begin, a terrifying television robot will inundate you with explanation. The object of the game? To endure these explanations without losing your will to live. Should you succeed, you will be rewarded with a mini-game that simulates the experience of fun. The trick here is to think of loved ones, or perhaps the inherent beauty of human existence.
And time. 35 seconds, point one. A new record, Joystick Master. Alright. Well, try it yourself at home, friends. Do you have what it takes to beat the Joystick Master? No. Thanks for watching! |
TheOnion | Fiat_Recalls_More_Than_10_000_Cars_For_Not_Looking_Small_And_Weird_Enough_The_Topical_Ep_35 | The FBI is reporting that it is now solving 80 percent more of its cases after acquiring a great big magnifying glass, and the skincare company Usurin has unveiled a new ultimate repair lotion that regresses your hands back to being smooth and baby-sized. Will it work on my big wrinkly old hands?
From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price. This is The Topical, and those are just some of the headlines from the day's news. Stay with us and you might just get to hear a few more.
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Big news for people who drive little cars. Fiat is recalling its 2019 C SUV for not looking small and weird enough. While announcing the recall of more than 60,000 of their brand new SUVs, a spokesperson for the Italian car maker had this to say. The SUVs should be bright cherry red. They should not have normal colors. They should have those funny little mirrors and scrape the ground when you drive them.
This is a disaster. Joining us now is OPR's Marcy Hammond.
Marcy, what are the issues with the new C SUV? Well there are several reasons Fiat is recalling the vehicle, but a primary issue is that owners don't bump their heads when they get in. Fiat was also particularly concerned by reports that more than two people were fitting inside the car at the same time. Only a slender man and his beautiful girlfriend Francesca should fit into this car.
They should not have room for their bread basket in the back seat. The bread basket should only be on the roof.
And are there any safety concerns with this particular model? Yes, Fiat did warn that drivers should not attempt to weave in and out of a busy Italian market since the new vehicle's turn radius isn't sharp enough to avoid an Italian cyclist coming straight at you after popping out from behind a clothesline.
Right, and another part of Fiat's recall was that they were also disappointed in the design, correct? Yes, they said they were, quote, deeply disturbed that the wheels didn't look like little Lego wheels and that the vehicle didn't include an inexplicably dumb white line designed into the side of the doors. This car must look so tiny and must look so stupid.
At Fiat, we will settle for nothing less. Okay, so what happens now? Fiat has vowed to release a new model in the near future that reflects what people have come to expect from the Fiat brand. We swear the new model will once again putt-putt all across Rome and be so small that it can fit inside your home.
The new car will also make the toy beeping noises. It will go beep-beep, not honk-honk.
And it will be so bumpy when driving that all your farfalle will bounce from your market bag onto the car floor and out the window, we promise. And in addition to the recall, they will also be putting their early 1992 model back on the market for those looking to drive a vehicle that looks like it's the switch car for a major bank heist. Well, let's hope Fiat figures this out and gets all their little clown cars back on the road soon.
Thank you, Marcy. Thank you.
Hey, topical listeners, are you sick of your dick not working? Well, I would say join the club, but today I want to tell you about Blue Chew. At BlueChew.com, you can get the first sexual performance-enhancing chewables with the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. So now you can chew it and do it. The pill, that is, not your penis, that's important. No more having to emasculate yourself in front of your extremely virile doctor in his foot-long homewrecker because it only takes a few minutes to connect with a BlueChew.com affiliated physician. And if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly. And while BlueChew's performance-enhancing pills will not actually make your dick bigger, I think we can agree that the biggest dick of all is confidence.
Consider me your magic news genie because I'm about to grant you three more pieces of news. Here's what else you need to know today.
A concerning new study shows people wearing green and people not wearing green are equally likely to get physically assaulted this St. Patrick's Day. The study also found that those who chose to wear green were also no less likely to be drunkenly screamed at for no reason than those who chose not to wear green.
And an unadorned Chevy Silverado driven by the town comptroller somehow made the cut as a St. Patrick's Day parade flowed. It's unclear as of now what the hell parade organizers were thinking.
And finally, a new marriage law will go for a vote in the French parliament next week. The progressive new law would officially define marriage in the country as being between man, wife, wife's mistress, wife's lesbian lover, and the couple they each sometimes do menage a trois with.
And that's the Topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. We know the news doesn't stop when this podcast does, so be sure to go to theonion.com for all the day's top stories. That should fill you with enough dread and despair to hold you over until tomorrow's episode. See you then. Consider me your magic news genie because I'm about to grant you three more pieces of news. Here's what else you need to know today.
A concerning new study shows people wearing green and people not wearing green are equally likely to get physically assaulted this St. Patrick's Day. The study also found that those who chose to wear green were also no less likely to be drunkenly screamed at for no reason than those who chose not to wear green.
And an unadorned Chevy Silverado driven by the town comptroller somehow made the cut as a St. Patrick's Day parade flowed. It's unclear as of now what the hell parade organizers were thinking.
And finally, a new marriage law will go for a vote in the French parliament next week. The progressive new law would officially define marriage in the country as being between man, wife, wife's mistress, wife's lesbian lover, and the couple they each sometimes do menage a trois with.
And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. We know the news doesn't stop when this podcast does, so be sure to go to theonion.com for all the day's top stories.
That should fill you with enough dread and despair to hold you over until tomorrow's episode. See you then. |
SaturdayNightLive | jennifer_aniston_monologue_alternate_ending_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Jennifer Aniston. I'm excited to be here for my second time. that was four. first show of 2004. it's actually going to be a really big year for me. you know, And the biggest thing is, I'm sure all of you have heard. you know, I'm redoing my kitchen. No, no, I'm kidding. that was last year. actually, you know, it's the last season of Friends. and, you know, there's been a lot of talk about how the show's going to end and we've had a hard time keeping a secret. So, you know, to keep the audience guessing, we've shot a bunch of different endings, and you guys wouldn't want to see one, would you? you're supposed to do this, but, you know, oh, what the hell. just roll the tape. let's look at one. Wow. I can't believe my wedding's today. I just, I love that word. Why a ding? Because it ends with a ding. you know, ding.
Hey, you guys, this is a pretty big day for Chandler and me. we adopted our baby today. could I be any more excited? I guess you have some news too, right, Rach? Oh, yeah, right. news. I got big news. um, well, let's see. Ross? Joey? okay, well, listen, okay, I finally made my choice between you guys. uh, really? well, who's it gonna be, Rach? Well, okay, I love you both very, very much. you know that. But, Ross, I pick you. I'm so happy, Rach. I'm so happy. that's great. wish you guys all the best.
Thanks, Joe. thanks, Joe. see you, Joe. hey, Joey. Bye, Joey.
My ending was certainly final. Oh, gosh, um, um, um, yeah, so, uh, we couldn't use that one because, you know, Maddie Leblanc has a, has a spin-off called Joey and, uh, I guess that, you know, you, you can't be dead in a spin-off. So, whatever. But, uh, we're probably just gonna do the ending where Rachel's heart is broken by Ross because he finally comes out of the closet. Great show! |
dropout | hardly_working_wacky_neighbor | Come on, guys. Let's take Ricky Saturn for a joy ride. I don't know, man.
That sounds pretty dangerous. Yeah, and unwholesome.
Hey, neighbors! What's the good word? Hi, Mr. Honeycomb. Hey, David.
Now, downs... the teats. I'm so nervous for the limbo competition at the big office dance tonight. Dan, don't worry. You're gonna be great. Just don't do any drinking or get your ears pierced. You know it. Canot, canot.
How's everybody doing? Hey, Mr. Honeycomb. How was your big date?
Oh, great. Great. Really great.
Hey, uh, do you happen to have any trash bags? I gotta do a little house cleaning. Alright, here you go.
Just don't lose these. Mmm. Drawstrings. Now, dems... the teats.
Sarah and I are so sorry for forgetting your birthday. Hey, Mr. Honeycomb. It's my birthday, but nobody remembered.
Yeah, that's great. You know, the bags were a little small.
Do you have anything bigger? How big? About 5'3", 110 pounds.
Um...here. Now, dems to teats.
Hey, any of you guys have a car I could borrow? What? A car! A fucking car!
Sorry, Mr. H. I crashed at a couple weeks... fuck! Oh, and, uh... I wasn't here. Way to hate this script, Dan.
We're all really proud of you. Thanks, guys. You know, I worked like a pretty busy meaver on that, so it's pretty good that you guys... Hey, guys! How's it hangin'? Really cannoling, Mr. H. What'd you do to my shirt?
Oh, it's cold. So, Dan and his chums were playing baseball again. Broke my window. You're in big trouble. We have snipers in position. Come out with your hands up. Well, you're mad at breaking a window?
Mr. H clearly murdered his date. Quiet! Mr. Honeycomb, what can Dan do to fix this? Well, I could use a hostage around the house for the weekend. fuck. Great. A whole weekend with my buddy Dan. God damns. Duh. |
wearethesundayblues | pokemon_go_tinder_pokemon_ho | Did you check this out? Just reached level 12. What already? Yeah Please don't tell me you're talking about Pokemon go still. The game is like three weeks old already There's a new game out way better. Pokemon go meets tinder. Check it out How does it work? Well, basically you just walk around your neighborhood meeting people to play with right But how does that tie in with Pokemon go though? No, you see that's the best part is the people you meet to play with they've got these and I like creatures and I living on them Okay, so okay. So you swipe to collect the creatures and then you you battle them Well, if I swap you mean sex and battle you mean sex then yeah Our travel Every challenge Oh There's no vanity Oh Good day gentlemen, it's not good news. I Don't know how you guys have managed to do this, but you've contacted every sexually transmitted disease known to man So what you saying? Is that we caught them all right?
I think so. Yeah Yeah, no not awesome Unawesome I'm cool. I'm hip I'm happening. I'm lit. I'm fam No |
dropout | wow_nobody_tells_me_anything | Oh, they're having a sale on 50% off stickers buy one get one free. Oh, that's wild Ever tell me what's wild again guys. It's free muffins downstairs. Oh, it's muffin boy time Muffins nobody told me that was happening. Well, I'm telling you now, let's go Okay, this looks stupid.
Whatever this is The premise is interesting to I don't care about him I care about the premise What it's just that nobody tells me anything I'm always excluded from everything always hmm guys Mark broke up with me. What's no? Well break up nobody told me about that It was at the party last night heard about the party I knew we've been fighting a lot, but I didn't know I've gotten that I'm saying that and then he broke up with me Just like that. That's the part. Nobody told me about half. Shut up You're funny out about this at the same time that we are you keep doing this. It's really annoying Wow, my tendency to make myself the center of attention is news to me way to exclude me from my own self-analysis guys You guys you guys you guys you guys are not gonna believe this I just put out a fire down the block What someone was trying to burn pictures of their ex-boyfriend and I I saved a lady two dogs a large baby Holy shit, that's incredible Great job, you're a hero a hero to the world. Thanks for feeling to me Thanks a lot for telling me the story so goddamn late. What am I doggy do to you doggy deal? I thought his name was Scooby Doo. How would I know nobody tells me anything raff? You are focusing so much on your relationship with new information that you can't even hear it You're acting like this some grand conspiracy to exclude you and there is not we're trying to Include you all the time you're whining so much you don't even notice Raph would you like to be the first to read this email?
No, I'll take it later. Are you sure because it is from the man? And it's addressed to all of us and the subject line is urgent Congratulations are in order for the cast of college humor Yeah, I'm busy Are you sure this is your last call because you can't complain about not being informed if you willfully ignore an email Yeah, great. Got it. Whoa.
It's like the mayor's awarding us the award for stupid comedy He's gonna give us the key card to the city. Well, boop boop be doop Where's raff? Now you tell the cast that that key card will open up the front door of any business in all of the whole town Goodbye Yes, being mayor is good I'm Rekha from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for other fun stuff and thank you so much for watching I love my job, and I'm definitely not trapped in this video Things are great |
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