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Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_get_fired_while_working_from_home | Hey, Peter, good to see you. Hi, Mr. Henderson. So, I've been meaning to ask- What's going on, Peter? I'm fired, aren't I?
What? No, what?
You're not fired. Oh boy, here we go. This is it. You're not, no. Why would you think- I'll just pack my things and go. We're working from home, Peter. How does that make sense?
Did Carol tell you? Carol? No, I didn't hear anything from- Did you tell him? Carol? I thought you told him. Carol, how did you get in this call?
I've been here.
Well, get out, Carol. Okay, sorry. Wait, Carol, what did he do? Damn it, Carol.
Okay, let's just move. Stop packing your things. First, I lose my job. Great. Then I lose my life.
Are you tying a noose? Yeah. Is that nerd's robe? No.
You can't kill yourself with candy, Peter. Peter!
So you really don't know? I don't know what.
So I got away with it. No, no. We did, Carol. I'm not about this. No, you have to tell me.
I'm your boss. Sorry, boss, I think we're breaking up. Peter, this is a video call. I can see you crumpling those chips. I know.
Yeah? This is just how I like my chips. Really? Dust? Dusty! Yeah!
Damn it, Peter. Is this about losing the Murphy account? No. Is this about losing Murphy? No, but I'll find him. Is this about that incident at the urinals? The number twos? No, that was Carol. What the fuck, Petey?
Carol, what are you doing? Working from your home, just like you said. No, don't you mean... Wait, is that my attic? Are you in my house? No!
Peter, okay, I don't care what you did, all right? Let's just get to why I called you in the first place. Yeah, sure. Sounds good.
Did you invest our entire portfolio in a bug farm? Oh, you mean our roly-polio?
You're fired. But why? Well, get out, Carol. I would if I wasn't fired!
Like that? What?
You too, Carol. I know. |
cracked | why_the_star_trek_universe_is_secretly_horrifying_after_hours | Card. Cast. Card.
Who has a pen? You know, this would never happen if we had a replicator from Star Trek. You'd just be like, pen, hot computer voice, and it'd zap right out. Of course, I guess a replicator made food too, so you just do that. You know what I always found odd about Star Trek? Does anyone have a pen?
Star Trek is great, let's all talk about it now. And to be clear. You're not, but go on. We're talking Gene Roddenberry created Star Trek.
So that's OG and next gen, none of this bacula crap. Okay, fine. Here's what we're going to do. We're all going to take turns destroying your stupid nerd show in record time, and then you are going to pay the entire bill out of punishment. Fine, fair enough. If I agree with you, I shall judge you from on high like a mighty Q. Live short and be impoverished, bitch. Alright, Daniel, what were you saying?
Just that I think it's weird that how in all the Star Trek series, nobody acknowledges how obviously screwed up their society is. Teleporters and holodecks and replicators, oh my.
Just because you're rich doesn't mean that your society is worthwhile. I mean, mo' money, mo' etc. Yes, but the great and beneficent Federation isn't just rich. They've evolved beyond wealth. Who needs money when you can replicate food?
When you can teleport that food into your mouth? When you can have a holodeck threesome with Mila Portman and Natalie Cunish. And you don't see the problem with that? When you have everything, so long motivation, your actions lose all meaning. What do they do on the holodeck?
They either reenact Shakespeare or they play pirates. Or they do detective stories.
Notice anything missing? Pornography, but I assume that was a censorship thing. How about anything new? Something from their times? Judging from the show, I'd say no one produced anything of note since the 1940s. That's like if we were all super into the latest cave paintings or this season's scrim show.
What writes a poem about his cat?
Yes, the robot. That's weird. Yeah, it's like they go from the mid-20th century to the 30th without making any new songs or books or movies or TV ever. Right, which is exactly what you'd expect from a society where all of your needs were met by some crazy magic robots.
What's the point anymore? Boldly go where no one's gone before, man, duh. So Star Trek and Next Gen are about a resource rich society that's in such a creative rut that they'll send the Enterprise, humanity's finest ship, out to unexplored corners of space just to find new life and new civilizations. Novelty is the most precious commodity there is. This is a profoundly bored people so jaded that they'll load up their children and their women onto a heavily armed warship and send it just out. Just go, just go somewhere and find me something interesting and tell me about it.
You don't see TV shows in lots of TV shows. In 24, Mr. 24 never watches Friends. There could be a bunch of future music climbing the Federation pop charts and we just don't hear it on the show. It's not Star Trek, TNG, TRL. It's not just music and movies and pop culture, it's everything.
Everyone dresses the same. Even on Earth, they don't wear those weird ones.
Weird! Oh, functional! I'll bet you can pee right in them. There's no man who's gone before.
I say Dan's being generous. The society's not stagnant. It's legal. Yes. Yes, I like this direction. This is where we should be going. The Federation is clearly good.
They even have the Prime Directive. It forbids them from using their space powers to screw with people. It's the sci-fi version of with great power. It was great responsibility.
Okay, then why do they all think the same, dress the same and act the same? I mean, they have total blind faith in their way of life. I mean, what other societies are like that?
Yeah. North Korea. Apple stores. Yes!
I mean, the Enterprise's real mission is to go out and find a stream of distractions and threats to keep the people from realizing that they're under the Empire's boot heel. Just by under the boot heel, you mean a bunch of the nicest people ever flying around fixing everything. And Earth people fall in line because if you successfully built a utopia, you would live there, right? They don't rebel because nothing's wrong. Okay, then why is it that every Federation admiral in TNG especially is either evil, Don't trust anyone, In Compton, No, we don't have all the answers. Or hosting a space slug. If you consider the show a statistical representation of Federation leadership, it's f***ed. That would explain why they keep sending their best ship as far away from the Earth as possible all the time. Yet they paint themselves as wondrous and altruistic and everybody believes them.
So does every imperialist, expansionist Empire. John Luke, Picard, to all of that. Sure, it could be argued with some merit that Kirk is a brute or a womanizer. Alienizer. But Picard is flawless. He is a diplomat, a scholar, and a pimp.
And I can back that up. Ha ha.
Reverses the engines while going the fastest anyone has ever gone. There's no one who's gone this fast, reverse engines.
Who lives an entire second life, in 20 minutes, was stabbed in the heart, laughed. You're not going to explain why you have that? And the whole crew is baller. Even the blind one's super smart, but I left his notebook at home.
And yet, every time your precious Prime Directive is mentioned, it's invariably the first part of a sentence explaining why, just this once, they need to break. We are all sworn not to interfere with other lives in the galaxy. Well, yeah, you gotta break it sometimes. They even alter the time stream a few times. Doc Brown would not approve of that.
Yeah, they're just guys flying around. I mean, there's no Star War, no star goal, it's just a star trek.
And see, that is the face of a human utopia. Once we have all the power and all the technology and all the freedom, then we become entitled yokels, who just butt into other species' business because we're bored.
Time of death. Starting. No! Cute.
All-knowing, all-powerful creature within the universe of the show, who several times gives Picard, and therefore the Federation way of life that he represents, his official seal of approval. How can anything that the crew does be wrong if God is cool with it?
You really don't want to pay for our meals.
I think it's making me smarter. Not smart enough.
All it proves is that Gene Roddenberry was a cult leader. Explain yourself. Okay, he created a perfectly functioning society, an impossible society where everybody's needs are met. Even when humanity does wrong, God himself flies down and says, hey, it's cool. That's not how the world works, that's how the world works in the mind of a cult member. I don't see what Trekkies have in common with Leon Mach. It's an inspiring vision. But then again, so was that comet that was supposed to take everyone to heaven. And Scientology.
Sign what now? No. No impossible.
Never heard of Scientology. I've heard of it.
It's like a science show, right? Yeah. Actually, it's science fiction. You would like it. Yeah! It's about a few simple rules that could help form a perfect utopia, just if we can overcome the evil aliens trying to thwart us.
I think Beck's one. Wow! I am like super down for this.
What do I do? You know what? You paid.
They will do you a favor and set you up with one of their reps. It's called an e-reading. It's very exclusive. You're a good friend. I don't have to read a lot in it, do I? No, you don't have to read it at all. They do all the reading for you. You're a good friend! |
dropout | let_s_not_get_a_drink_sometime_hardly_working | Patrick! Grant, how the hell are ya? I'm great, man. What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just grabbing lunch with a trap. Oh, nice, nice, nice.
When's the last time we did something like that? Oh, I don't know. We were supposed to get drinks last month, but then it fell apart.
Oh, yeah. That was great. Yes. We should not get another drink sometime. Definitely. We are just at the right level of friends where we should constantly talk about, but never, ever, ever actually get a drink sometime. Yes.
Does Saturday work for you? Ooh, crap. I'm actually totally free on Saturday.
Oh, no. Yeah. I'd love to avoid a strangely business-like, non-romantic two-person meeting with you, but there's not this other thing I have to do. That sucks. I'm totally fine to hang with you at a party, but one-on-one? Neither one of us want that. Does next month work? It's all so weirdly open. Shit. You don't actually want to hang out with me, do you? No, nothing like that. Come on. You're my most indifferent close acquaintance. I'm sure we can find a way to avoid getting a drink sometime. How about this?
I'll get back to you. Okay, but don't actually get back to me.
You wouldn't do it. I'm going to hold you to that. Hand to God. Look, you can see I'm not setting a reminder for myself.
Great. You'll definitely forget. I already have. I think we might actually be able to make this not work, and then I'll reschedule to right before a holiday weekend. Perfect. I'll definitely have other plans then. Then I'll get back to you a week later. Oh, and then I won't respond until the day after with a text like, Oh, no. I just saw this. Amazing.
That would work terrible for me. Is there any place specifically you wouldn't want to go? Oh, how about that loud bar with expensive drinks on the other side of town that says that it's a speakeasy, but it has like a million reviews on Yelp? Oh, yeah. I've been meaning to avoid that place. It's supposed to be awful.
Does five o'clock work? Oh, almost certainly not. I'll be at work. Then it's settled. We'll get a drink at that awful bar at five o'clock. Not this coming Saturday, but never. Great. I'm not putting it in my calendar.
Wait a minute. You guys aren't not hanging out without me, are you? Huh? Wait, what?
Just promise me you'll include me. We're not going to get together. That's the whole thing. But you're including me in that, right?
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out?
Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's...
Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
cracked | why_last_action_hero_is_secretly_terrifying | Last Action Heroes, the 1993 anti-blockbuster about a year of Arnold Schwarzenegger's life that he would desperately like to get back. It's also the beginning of the improbable riddle, who's gonna look better in 20 years, Schwarzenegger or Charles Dance? Which will be brutally answered decades later by Charles Dance's recurring role on Game of Thrones as a steely-eyed emperor of Peter Dinklage insults, and Schwarzenegger's recurring role in Sylvester Stallone movies as a weather-beaten old lesbian trying to keep the sun out of her eyes.
In their lone shared cinematic experience, Last Action Hero, Danny Madigan, a teenage action movie junkie with no stable male role model in his life, suddenly finds himself magically transported into Arnold's latest movie. Holy cow! I'm in a movie! Doing battle with sea dance against a backdrop of slapstick violence and self-aware genre cliches. It's a harmless and cleverly written send-up of every action movie we grew up watching in the 1980s. It just had the misfortune of opening the same week in its Jurassic Park. Sort of like the guy who got picked third in the 1992 NBA draft after Shaq and Alonzo Morning. At its heart, Last Action Hero's a story about a movie-obsessed kid and his friendship with a nutty but well-meaning theater operator united by their mutual passion for Schwarzenegger films. Despite the fact that the kid is like 12, and the theater operator is old enough to have been his grandfather's pee-wee soccer coach. Well, prepare to be grotesquely depressed, the internet, because this charming and historically maligned action comedy is secretly a crushing psychological drama about a kid being molested by a crazy old man. I always wanted to be a magician. The very first time we see him, Danny is sitting in the seediest theater imaginable, watching a movie in the middle of the day when he should be at school, learning how to avoid his current career trajectory of getting his jaw blown off by a shotgun blast in the middle of a liquor store robbery.
There are bums sleeping in the seats behind him, a pile of junkies in the stairwell next to the concession stand, and terrifying graffiti scrawled on the torn, diseased-eaten wallpaper like a ransom note from the Zodiac Killer. James Gump wouldn't watch a movie here. Ugh, this place is a s***hole. It's a good AMC. Do I even get a milkshake there?
Also, notice how Danny's knuckles are all cut up and bloody. He just scraped his way through some kind of struggle. He kicks his way into the projection booth to find old Nick asleep in a chair, as if he just engaged in some exhausting physical activity. But Nick is a projectionist at a dive movie theater in the s***iest part of New York City that sees maybe 15 customers a week that aren't dead bodies. What could he have possibly been doing that would require enough physical exertion to put him to sleep during a balls-out action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger at his prime?
I don't know. Maybe touching some children? Think about it. Nick's theater is a terrifying environment for anyone, let alone a friendless 12-year-old latchkey kid. It's a hovel of dangerous illegal activity.
Nick clearly doesn't care about Danny's well-being. He deliberately lures him away from school in the middle of the day. After Danny wakes him up from his molester nap, Nick casually mentions that Danny's only four hours late for school, as if this is business as usual. When Danny gets in trouble with his mom later on, she instantly knows that he skipped to go hang out and watch movies with Nick. So we know this is something he does all the time. Nick is totally complicit in the habitual truancy of a pre-teen on the verge of failing out of school, because he doesn't give one pencil-mustached s*** about Danny's future.
What's one way sexual predators gain the trust of their victims? By exploiting a common interest. What better way to win over an at-risk teen who spends all day dreaming about Schwarzenegger movies than to dazzle him with free access to a movie theater? That's another thing.
Danny's obsessed with action movies, specifically one starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, arguably the most famous muscle-bound ass-keeter that has ever lived. He spends all day at school fantasizing about Schwarzenegger movies because he wishes he were a gun-toting mutant uber-mensch that didn't have to take any crap from anyone. He daydreams about an action superhero because he feels powerless to escape his own situation.
Nick even lures Danny out in the middle of the night to his rancid, heroin-sweating movie theater, which predictably ends in Danny getting robbed by a germ-spam with a switchblade and handcuffed to a toilet. Nick's psychological hold on Danny is so strong that Danny leaves the police station after reporting the robbery and goes immediately to the movie theater. It's like 1 o'clock in the friggin' morning and he just got mugged in his own apartment. And his obedience to Nick is so strong that he's physically unable to disappoint him. And after all that, Nick greets Danny at the back door of his stabtacular cinema dressed like a caricature of a child molester and immediately gives Danny tons of s*** for being late.
He doesn't care that Danny just went through a catastrophically traumatic experience. All he cares about is that he gave Danny instructions to be at the theater by midnight to watch a new Schwarzenegger movie. Danny dissipated. So Danny, reeling from a night that would drive most of us to suicide, sits down in a seat presumably so full of urine it's like a piss-inflated water bed.
And is suddenly teleported into the backseat of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Cadillac as Mr. Universe speeds his way through gunfire, explosions, and hilarious ice cream-related murder puns. Ice that guy. That's Danny's brain doing everything it can to keep from tearing itself in half like a Hulkamania tank top. It's the ultimate permutation of his daydreaming. Danny is now literally inside an action movie with his hero, Arnold Schwarzenegger. And nobody can hurt him when Arnold's around.
The magic ticket is Danny's coping mechanism. And what's the first thing Nick does when he finds out about it? He tries to take it away from him. Yeah, could I have the ticket back, please?
Which results in Danny's make-believe hero getting a fatal bullet wound to the chest? Danny literally has a conversation with death itself in the last scene of the movie before finally deciding to let his hero fantasy go and confront his difficult life as a stronger person. So I hope you enjoyed me ruining Last Action Hero for you forever.
Now that I think about it, I totally understand why everyone took their kids to see Jurassic Park instead. The only thing getting molested in that movie is Jeff Goldwyn's chest.
Hey, thanks for watching the video. I hope you share this with your friends and they share it with their friends and so on and so on. And we get a real virus of a content going. So please subscribe. And then click the like button if that's there or your current platform and time period's equivalent of a like button. It's a thumb up or like an A-OK or just the word yes. Click that. And then in the comments, just let us know what you did today. However mundane, I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested. |
cracked | 3_foreign_countries_that_just_don_t_give_a_f_ | Hey, welcome to another episode of the spit take which is shockingly the best name we came up with for this show You're listening to mad city off of the album good kid mad city and speaking of recordings of real life more Violent and terrifying and impressive than any action movie. This episode is about The window check yourself February Russian dashboard cameras recorded a ten-ton shard of heaven screaming to earth like a blazing shower of unholy prophecy You might remember it as the time the entire internet shit itself But we at cracked will always remember it as the day we found out that everyone in Russia is Robots, plus this thing we get to a reaction is this drama queen in the second video who stops channel surfing Which suggests that he was at least distracted by the blinding angel of judgment screaming towards his face But then he remembers to make a right turn and you realize he probably just needed the free hand to give God the finger If you're wondering why so many Russian cars have dash cams while quietly hoping for a rational or even just vaguely Humanizing answer get ready to be bitterly disappointed According to Al Jazeera Russian motorists use the cameras to crack down on police corruption and ensure that justice is served So the reason we have these videos of Russia being so much tougher than us in the first place also the inciting incident for most Steven Seagal movies for anyone who believes that Russians are only tough when they've got 3,000 pounds of metal wrapped around them. We present this action hero walking to work wearing Customary attire for Russian businessmen, of course American business attire would probably be more maneuverable if they had to miraculously Avoid speeding cars as frequently as this guy clearly does we're not sure what's more terrifying the fact that he barely loses a step on His way to wherever he's going or the gentleman who leaps out of the still rolling hatchback and runs off in the opposite direction What's going on in that car Russia? Well in China, this man peddles a giant tricycle through a massive intersection He doesn't slow down He doesn't swerve doesn't do anything to alter his trajectory in any way as the world explodes around him like an inception dream Because like the old Chinese proverb says look both ways or don't but then like Really don't when this guy spots two purse snatchers racing towards him on a motorcycle He calmly steps off his bike and throws it at their chest in one fluid motion without a moment's hesitation You have to admire the way he strolls towards the motorcycle purse snatcher sculpture He just planted on the street like well I'll just grab that and be on my way But he soon becomes acutely aware that he's completely out of bicycles to throw at them and runs away Leaving the criminals to get away. Oh wait No They're free to get attacked by another random onlooker because China is apparently one big roving tag team fistfight And now let's take a look at a crazy lady in Brazil beating the shit out of some guy's car with a hammer Look at her go She is beating that Honda like a carnival game Notice the small crowd filming and watching her with their arms folded like it's a golf tournament or something The woman actually appears to be the only person on the scene who realizes she's committing a crime Not putting on a sexy car wash She speed walks away and drops a deadly weapon to her side like Michael Corleone But everyone else is just applauding and cat calling and nobody even seems to consider the option of calling the cops Which seems strange until you realize Cops in Brazil are like a hit squad from a 1980s action movie They keep the piece with the same shoot everything until it stops moving tactics that made Dirty Harry and the T-1000 So effective at stopping crime. Hey and speaking of the T-1000 the Brazilian police appear to have one This car chase pins a motorcycle cop against a bus and he just like ditches the bike and starts running and firing bullets into the car In one smooth motion that technically should not be possible if you don't have a liquid metal exoskeleton Of course, there are plenty of Brazilian cops who rely on old-fashioned police work Which they define as anything that happens in Point Break or the Fast and the Furious franchise and here we see them using their not at all sinister black helicopter to block traffic on the interstate and Jesus Christ, they just totally shot a guy who was running away from a helicopter Doesn't seem like self-defense Imagine the terror you'd feel witnessing a fellow human being get machine gunned by the very organization tasked with ensuring your safety Well in Brazil that should is considered hilarious Hey have fun at the 2014 World Cup in 2016 Olympics everyone Hey subscribe to our channel. I'm crack.com's Dan O'Brien. I want you to subscribe to our channel Okay Boy I'm about the three T's ticks two beers and togetherness because you and me together we're gonna have a raging time you |
TheOnion | Gap_Unveils_New_For_Kids_By_Kids_Clothing_Line | GAP Kids! The popular children's clothing store rolled out a new line of apparel this week that's sure to be the must-have fashion trend for the under 10 set. Brian Scott has the story. It's a simple idea. A line of clothing sewn by children, some as young as six years old, halfway around the world. GAP calls this innovation, for kids, by kids. All across the world, kids love GAP clothes, you know, whether they're making them or wearing them. Kids love the garments. I saved my own money and I'm going to buy it with my own allowance. I think I like them because they're kids making them. It's like having a pen pal because like on the back there's sometimes these tags and they say like cute stuff like be my friend and so on. Parents like the positive message. The GAP clothes really show what kids can accomplish with a little hard work. These kids really do love what they're doing.
They are thrilled to work from sun up to sun down without even stopping to eat. We tried to get some footage of the Malaysian GAP factory where the kids work, but plant management has a strict no adults allowed policy. Brian Scott, Onion News Network.
Thanks Brian. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | family_band_snl | Babe, I'm so excited for you to meet my brothers. you remind me so much of them. I'm a little nervous. No, don't be. they're gonna love you. you guys are, like, identical. Well, if they're Niners fans, like you said, I think we'll get along just fine.
I knew you guys would razz me. this is Patrick. Patrick, these are my brothers. uh, nice to meet you guys. you can call me sweet Remove.
All right. these guys remind you of me? Are they, like, in a band? Yeah. my brothers have a band, yes. and, uh, we sure could use our stand-up basis back.
Oh, come on. you guys know I had to give that up because of my job. Unless, of course, you guys are making money from this now. are you guys making money? Nope. a three, four. Oh, my god. it's gin alley. sounds so great. have you been smoking more cigarettes? Boza, Puzikat. we're the side of Cubano's.
So, again, what's the similarity you're seeing between us? Wait. are you jealous of how masculine they are? Oh, this always happens to me. no, I'm not. they're all wearing giant, oversized suits.
I don't even know what style that is. slow your roll, Rover. not much of a music guy, I take it. we're a swing revival revival band. Swing revival revivals? that's right, Rover. Yeah, babe, remember in the 90s when everyone was into swing? Yeah, Rover. we're trying to bring that back.
Like, make a little picture of this. the year is 1999. the Slim Shady just told the world what his name is. Carson Daly is the new Walter Cronkites.
And a big old bottle of gin. All right. Yes.
Hey, you are too kind, Pussycat. can you please stop calling your sister, Pussycat? Babe, you said we had so much in common and that they were Niners fans. Yeah, 1999ers. there is no way you thought that's what I meant. Well, you're always saying how you're such a 90s kid. Yeah, I meant like rugrats and stuff. I do not associate this with the 90s. Okay, well, I'm starting to feel like our relationship is a lie. what are you talking about? did he hit you? Oh, my God. no, no, it's not that. it's just we're too different. you come from a 90s where everyone wore neon and watched friends. And I come from a 90s where my brothers are the coolest, hottest guys I know. |
TheOnion | Candlelight_Vigil_Held_For_Legal_System | George Zimmerman wins the Florida State Lottery, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym for Newt Gingrich, and the man who couldn't beat George W. Bush is now attempting to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Rumors that we laid off 1,800 members of our audience at the end of last week's video were grossly exaggerated and in no way jeopardize your position as a viewer. This is The Onion Week in Review. Following this week's acquittal of George Zimmerman for the shooting of unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, a candlelight vigil was held Thursday night for faith in the United States justice system. Hundreds attended the solemn event, saying they were praying for the lost trust in the nation's legal process. This has been a difficult time for anyone who once had a belief that the legal system could result in fair, just rulings. But as we mourn our now eroded faith, we should all remember a better time when the pervading sense that justice would be served was alive and well.
In a move that stunned the already-fragile publishing industry, struggling retail giant Fox Books announced Wednesday it was filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. CEO Joe Fox announced he would be closing down several of the chain's locations, including the flagship Upper West Side store that he opened with branch manager Kevin Jackson. In a statement to the press, Fox's wife and noted children's author Kathleen Kelly Fox said, quote, Joe is very persistent, so if he puts his mind to something, I wouldn't count him out. I used to think that instead of his brain there was a cash register, and instead of his heart there was a bottom line. But when you really get to know him, he's the sweetest, most passionate person.
The FBI announced Thursday it was offering an up to $1 million reward for any and all information on cheetahs. Officials for the Bureau provided a toll-free number for anyone with any knowledge about where cheetahs live, what they eat, how fast they can run, or any other facts about the land animal. Basically, we're asking anyone who knows any facts about cheetahs to come forward immediately, especially anyone who is aware of how fast cheetahs are, where cheetahs live, or how fast the fastest cheetah ever was. Right now, any lead will help. Like if a cheetah fought a lion, who would win? Are little cheetahs faster than big cheetahs?
Or do they get faster as they get older? If you have any of this information, we urge you to contact us. And in local news, a rock apparently factors into a girlfriend's shower routine. In other news, a 30-year-old NES is still wasting its time playing video games. The nation throws its hands up and tells black teenagers to do their best out there. And a perfectly shitty couch is sitting on a curb. This video is now over. You may pack up all your things and leave your company-issued laptop on your desk. But for more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | breaking_up_with_your_throuple_hot_date | Michael, we've been in a polyamorous throuple for how long now? Six wonderful months. Six months, and it has been fun, but, um, we need to talk. Uh, like, like, you and I need to talk or we need to talk? Classic throuple question.
We just think we're moving a little fast. Oh my god. Are you breaking up the throuple? No. Yes, but me and we're first staying together. Yes, we, as a whole, are moving too fast. Uh, we're good though. We're just breaking up with you.
Cause an eye is an eye when the baby comes to you. This is my school. I see. And you brought me here so I wouldn't make a scene. Is that it? I deserve that.
That's problematic. Listen, this isn't working. This is working, but this isn't working.
You know that, I know that, he also knows that. Why can't we just go back to the way things were at the beginning, huh? Remember how much fun we had that day at the amusement park? Or you guys did, and I'd set behind you by myself. Look, Mike, if I could go back to the days of Emily and I riding a tandem bicycle pulling you behind us on rollerblades with a jump rope, then I would. But we can't move backwards while we move forward. That's, I mean, that's standing. Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't want to be with me.
It's over, Michael. It's over, Kevin, Michael. His name's Michael.
Really? God, it's going to be so weird when I'm at the roller rink and they call for Thrupple Skate.
I'll have to sit it out. Hey, it would really mean a lot to me if we could still be friends. I don't want to be friends. You could still be friends with me. I don't feel comfortable with you hanging out with your ex. I'm sorry, Mike. I can't speak to you anymore.
Now, obviously, we've accumulated some shared possessions over the past couple months, so we should probably divide those up fairly. Okay, all in favor of Murph and Emily keeping everything? That's two. All opposed? Denied. Close up the world from award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date. That's right. It's going to be coming to you weekly, and if we play our cards right, maybe we'll actually win one of these. Yes.
These are other people's. But we're holding them, so who's the real winner? |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir | and Improv comedy let's do improvisational comedy that sounds great action and really for this we need to random volunteers Random as one Super random dame bitch Raise your hand if you want to just come What hold on what's what's your name? So not random Like super like your name, it's like No Okay Ariel she's an actual random So this is that this is the game right I learned it on whose line is it anyway, which is the gold standard of improv Basically, we're gonna act out a scene for Nessa We're twist is that everyone gets a card with a line of dialogue on it And you can't look at the card until I call your name It's like a line of dialogue that you have to incorporate in the scene So but the thing is we need a scene. We need a scene. So we're gonna take suggestions from the crowd Don't like your car. Don't be shy. Like where could we be? I'm here Jake and mirror hosting a super chill ass party Pat is lame ass girl They try to crash it, but we don't let them because that's Seems like we would have heard them yelling that for a long.
Yeah Okay, you're right, right. I'm right, but you're brushing me. All right. Yes. I'm doing that. You're right. You are brushing me off Okay All right, let's get in character Seriously, no shoes 2009 Okay, whoa, we're at a super chill ass party on a freak dancing or Brian which is the cool dance all by yourself Okay, well I hear something party going on inside his house, let's check okay I'm a lonely piece of shit Okay corporate into the thing like you're saying you're a great character just keep reading This is the closest I'll ever get to a real party Amir and Jake look like best friends What the doors open I Suck Vanessa card, please Pat you reek of shit trying to make out with me. I'm your cousin Vanessa J card I Sorry, Amir invited you to his lame-ass party Your likes to make out with other guys Sorry Wow |
cracked | dane_cook_once_performed_for_seven_hours_straight_at_the_laugh_factory_just_to_spite_dave_chappelle | You know about the time that Dane Cook performed for 7 hours straight just to spite Dave Chappelle? God, the only thing worse than a pissing contest between two dudes is a talking contest.
In April of 2007, Dane Cook set the Laugh Factory's record for longest uninterrupted set with a set of about 4 hours. Beating Richard Pryor's record that he set 27 years earlier. Five days later, Chappelle beat Cook with a 6-hour set. And then in 2008, Dane Cook did a 7-hour 34-minute set which has still not been beaten.
I have a few questions, namely, who would want to see comedy for that long? But also, why did they engage in this game of comedy chicken? Let's find out. It turns out these two guys, who can't seem to shut up, have had some comedy beef throughout the years.
Including the time Chappelle showed up to a club to get some reps in, only to be told it was Dane's night and he could only do 10 minutes. After his 10 minutes were up, he told everyone to meet him outside, he'd be signing autographs, leaving Dane with a completely empty club to play.
2007, Dane Cook set the Laugh Factory's record for longest uninterrupted set with a set of about 4 hours. Beating Richard Pryor's record that he set 27 years earlier. Five days later, Chappelle beat Cook with a 6-hour set. And then in 2008, Dane Cook did a 7-hour 34-minute set which has still not been beaten.
I have a few questions, namely, who would want to see comedy for that long? But also, why did they engage in this game of comedy chicken? Let's find out. It turns out these two guys, who can't seem to shut up, have had some comedy beef throughout the years.
Including the time Chappelle showed up to a club to get some reps in, only to be told it was Dane's night and he could only do 10 minutes. After his 10 minutes were up, he told everyone to meet him outside, he'd be signing autographs, leaving Dane with a completely empty club to play. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_m_m_s_trilogy | Welcome to Bleakbloop. I'm Jeff Rubin here with Dan Kline and Pat Cassels. Today, we're not just playing an M&M's video game We're playing three of them Reads new life into the arcade racing by combining adventure elements and high-speed racing with the funny and poetic style of candy competition You know, the style of candy competition. I was having a seizure while I was typing it What style is this? Candy competition. Now I understand. This is the game that the little girl was in in Wreck It Real And then the streets Level one should be you know, chocolate factory.
This is the kind of looking outside Any ideas at all for level two? Any ideas. They're all just like stumped.
Seat carrier. I like seat carrier.
What? What's going on? Abstract world. This game just got awesome guys What kind of world is it? I don't know.
We got time to finish designing it. Let's just say it's abstract Yeah, it's just like a bunch of crap that they didn't use put together. Like hey, this is abstract You know, I think our driver chocolate coin and stupid yellow this backwards head.
Oh, yeah So hot oh my god, is she looking at me? No, clearly not actually Look at the way her legs are going. Well, I guess she doesn't have hips is the problem I guess. Oh, yeah, it's just legs jutting out of a candy shell kind of the perfect woman.
Oh Nervous orange. Yeah. Well, hey, buddy.
I'm always nervous worried about dying Okay, this is sad It's like they're not supposed to be there Oh, you're already First of all, I can't believe they didn't just put a coin counter on the side rather than displaying chocolate coins every time you go Right. Second of all, I can't believe how difficult it is to control this game. It's legitimately hard That's why you make three in a series, you know You work out all the kinks in the first two and then hopefully the third one. I don't feel like I'm Racing though, like I feel like I'm One lap?
In fact, there's three of them means that someone is making money on them like they released one They presumably made a profit. They were like, let's do it again Yeah, put them out on a beach party. Uh-oh. Wow fun beach party Go to the beach with nobody all your friends are dead This is like the purgatory from Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Want to play mr.
Runch slam I mean, mr. Runch slam sounds really appealing. I guess we should play Mr. Rugslam sounds like a weird sex thing that like high schoolers make up like I want to mr. Runch slam green M&M The creativity in these games like we're seeing the weirdest sides of The alien HQ Mr. Runch slam Real people like This is mr. Runch slam I got it, what? Why is this mr. Runch slam? It's like I just made you it's like mr. Runch slam Yeah, what a miserable existence So this is m&m adventure kart racing I think I knew what we were getting into beach party I knew it was gonna be minigames.
The m&m adventure could be anything Factory lobby. Oh, it's in the most depressing places It's in a factory. Oh machines and pipes and slides and stuff. No, it's the lobby. They can't get in Yeah, you're in the lobby right now I think it's weird that the m&m characters exist in the same universe is like actual m&m's like are they there? Oh my god. There's a plot.
Yeah, I can't wait to get home and put out my stocking for Santa. I Hope I get a new hoop for the yard What's the new hoop for the yard?
What is going on this is the video game equivalent of those like weird toys from Korea That's like it's like a spider-man, but I like I'm the Punisher's body and the box says like Power Rangers phone is five That's so sad. That's the saddest video game screen. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_nintendo_robot | Hey Unbelievable, we are joined by a very special guest. Simon Rich, writer for Saturday Night Live and author. I'm Jeff Rubin, and we're also here with Pat Cassels and Sarah Schneider.
And R.O.B., your robotic operating buddy from Nintendo. This thing came out in 1985, so we're talking free Twitter. And they included it with the very first shipments of Nintendo. You get the standard bundle that most people probably got. Or for some extra money, you get this guy. So they decided basically that if they couldn't convince children that video games were fun, they would just use physical terror to try to motivate them into doing whatever it is they wanted. In this case, playing video. It was like, Nintendo, like what's the next logical step? It's like robot, of course. The idea is that he plays the game with you.
Now you can see he doesn't actually plug into the Nintendo at all. He's got a little holster over here for the controller, not plugged in. You put the controller in its holster, and it's got these buttons that kind of have a mechanical way of pressing the buttons on the Nintendo.
Slow down, okay? When you press a button on this controller, the screen flashes like duck on it. The robot's looking at the screen through its creepy robot eyes. Right. And it sees these flashes, and between the flashes are information that I'm telling it. So I press down.
I honestly can't believe any children are patient enough. It's so slow. It's unbelievably slow.
And now there's a grab button. Back up. And here it comes. It is now press the blue button, lowering the blue pipes, and allowing the professor to move on. And now I'll lift it up again, and it's gonna lift up the blue pipes.
Oh, great. Also, I think it's like, this thing's scary to me about like, okay, so these bright, like seizure-inducing flashes affect the robot's eyes, but your child's eyes are fine. So this podium is a gyro spinner. Let's just see what it does.
Okay.
It'll move all the pipes down. Incredible, right? This robot doesn't seem particularly advanced, but even it must know that this whole thing's like a bad idea.
What do I do? Robbie, help me. Do something. Vanquish this goblin.
You know, the top spinner is actually a pretty solid toy. Just putting the Nintendo and the robot aside. Yeah, that's pretty good. You know what else is good is this box.
Like, you know, like, if it's a table, it's like a... Yeah, move the robot for a second. Yeah, like you can do this guy.
You ready? I'm totally ready. You ready?
Yeah, take him out. You're right. Pick it up, pick it up, don't fall.
Uh-oh. Ah! It makes me complete blue jacks. Oh!
Like, the little Koopa, like, creatures in this game have, like, one of the cushier jobs as far as Koopas are concerned. Like, instead of having to go after, like... When they're all getting their, like, their assignments, they just, like, Koopa driver bike on. Yeah, they gave it to me. It's like, oh god, I think I'll be getting to, like, you know, Mario.
He's got fire in this one. It's like, what about you? Oh, I'm gonna get to sleepwalk in, Professor. Oh, well, that's still scary. I feel he's controlled by a human.
No, it's like a lever. An elaborate secret. It's like a big lever. It's a lever with eyes.
Do you have to walk really far? No, they put me in between, like, these two pipes. I go, like, right back and forth. |
Wizards_with_Guns | never_speak_of_what_happened_in_this_bathroom_ | That's perfect, that's perfect. Okay, okay, ready?
Three sad men with no friends played mad libs.
So Randy, when are you gonna tell us what happened to your neck? You mean my turtleneck? I got it at Marshall's. It was a great deal. No, your neck. You know what else was a great deal? This cowboy hat. Pretty distracting, huh? We're asking like what happened to your neck?
Cause it's all, it's all fucked up. I'm gonna go get another drink. All this talk about my bro- My neck is making me thirsty. Okay. What's his deal? I don't know, man. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Okay. All right, I'm ready to- Oh, where'd Derek go?
He went to the bathroom. Which bathroom? The one in your room?
No, no, no, no, no. Randy? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Derek?
Yeah? Did you buckle up? Uh, maybe. Oh no. Why, is that bad? Yes! How is buckling bad? If anything, it's good, right?
Derek, did you use the toilet? No, but I'm about to. Oh God, is this how you broke your neck? No, I'm in danger, aren't I?
The seat belt's stuck. What? There's a seat belt on my toilet.
Get with the picture, Peter. Guys, I really have to go. Okay, let's just help him. Don't. He's already buckled in.
So? Derek! Your funeral. Why?
Wait, what's gonna happen to him? Okay, first, it's gonna be really funny. Funny? Then, it's gonna be really sad. Wait, how is it? Because he's gonna die! No, how is it gonna be funny?
It's a seat belt on a toilet, Peter, use your imagination! The poop is coming out of me! Is it funny because it's embarrassing?
Is that why you're hiding your broken neck? My neck is. Fine. Well, you survived at least, so maybe Derek will be okay. No, this had nothing to do with the toilet. So your neck isn't fine. Okay, can I tell you something? Okay. My neck is actually broken. I know.
I was trying to pick up some Mexican street corn off the street with my mouth when someone ran over my neck with a bike and I didn't want to talk about it because I was embarrassed and now the night is ruined. Why'd you pick it up with your mouth? Because my hands were full of corn cobs.
How would I know that? Jesus, Peter, this is why I don't tell you things because you ask so many goddamn questions.
Derek, are you okay? Derek? What happened in there? That was so... Derek! Told ya.
Oh, didn't expect a Mitchell outro, did you? Oh, you don't care? Okay, well, can you at least like and subscribe, please? Mitchell, get away from the microphone.
Derek! Derek's gonna... Derek's gonna die. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Perfect_Timing_Telling_Details_Putin_Opens_Up_More_September_30 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin you're joined by myself Clancy overall with me today in the booth is Effie Bateman there's a lot going on in the world people are all over the shop people are hungover we've got the NRL Grand Final on Sunday it's raining like fuck all down the East Coast who knows what's going on in the West I guess everyone's kind of stopped caring about them ever since the borders opened up and the pandemic closed WA hope you're doing well Victoria we're just so glad that a Melbourne team didn't win the AFL Grand Final last week it was great to see Geelong do it would have been great to see Sydney Swans get up would have been better to see the Brisbane Lions get up but we don't need to talk about that shit for another 30 weeks so you guys can go and fuck off and we'll hear from you during the Comedy Festival or something like that as for the rest of us here in civilization it's a battle of the West on Sunday night Penrith Panthers versus the Parramatta Eels and in fact everything that I'm speaking about right now may not even be that interesting to half of us here in Eastern Seaboard and I'm sure Effie Bateman can attest to that.
I'm good I'm good looking forward to the weekend hoping I've got a bit of a bit of a cold and I've had a Luxor today trying to get rid of it before tomorrow but who knows who knows might have to push through it well that's the key to it really if there's bad weather and you're already feeling crook just go out in the bad weather and try and pretend it's not happening exactly what's up first in the news and starting off at some absolute morons have had their wedding during finals footy yes like all Millennials paying the wedding tax Landon and Em have had to reschedule their special day to spring 2022 after a registry office backup plan was denied by the bank of mum and dad however with their wedding now clashing with the crucial footy finals the happy couple might be the only joyous pair at the celebration this has understandably copped some ire from members of their friendship circle including one South Sydney fan Peter Dodd who has even gone as far as calling them a couple nongs yes some very harsh words from Peter there as he's also said at least they are sticking together all the better that two idiots marry each other rather than go infect normal people oh wow I think there might have been some sneaky streaming of football matches under the table at that wedding and calm down please Peter you know the Fedger that filled you up with piss you didn't have to pay for a thing don't be filthy that your football team got pumped by Penrith and up next we have the Optus hacking scandal as police determine the hacker probably isn't in Sydney after requesting a modest 1 million ransom yes as news hit that Optus had become a victim to one of the largest leaks of personal data in Australian history the hacker involved has raised some eyebrows this week by demanding a measly 1 million dollars or roughly the same cost of a two-bedroom apartment in Sydney's Petersham or Brisbane's to Wong you might even struggle there with 1 million dollars chronicling dr. evil by asking for a million dollars to hold the world for ransom the hackers demands were met with much confusion and laughter across the nation with many prompting the hacker to raise their ambitions a little bit yeah sounds like they might have a bit of imposter syndrome there or perhaps a nine-year-old who accidentally hacked into the telcos website using skills they learned on udemy a cybersecurity expert did say the hack was not sophisticated which is quite concerning giving Optus is one of the biggest telecommunication companies in Australia luckily the hacker is said to have folded under the pressure or off this coughed up the cash we're not really sure but no more data has been released since and some international news now and Putin is completely forgiven for invading Ukraine after bravely revealing his adult ADHD diagnosis yes it seems that Vladimir Putin has now become one of the many new adults who have been diagnosed with ADHD later on in life taking to his tik-tok channel to share his diagnosis the context ADHD is a common neurodevelopmental disorder which has symptoms including trouble paying attention controlling impulsive behaviors may act without thinking or being overly active yes the brave message shared on social media touches on many part of Putin's battle with the condition it just makes so much sense of the last 40 years said Putin and explained so much of my terrible behavior I'm sorry I'm a work in progress his bold admission has been met with praise right across Twitter yeah glad he's getting out the help he needs yeah just keep keeping on blood and lastly a local mum has taught her kids about conflict resolution by saying nothing and icing out the entire family yes after cleaning the kitchen without help for the 3,000th night in a row local mother Patricia Webb finally expressed to her family that she was cross with them by ignoring them entirely it is now three days into Webb's Cold War style mum strike and already her children are filthy every surface needs a wipe down and the family dog is starved to death during all this chaos Webb's children have learnt an important lesson about how to express your grievances and that is don't I think I learnt it from my mother Webb told our reporter instead of a therapist she never used to tell us how she felt one time she didn't talk to my dad for three years and let me tell you he was so upset almost as upset as when she started talking to him again ah the life and time of the Webb family just another story from our beautiful town of Batuta thank you for joining us for the weekly bulletin enjoy your weekend and enjoy an end to this crazy crazy sports obsessed news cycle it ends on Sunday night see you later |
TheOnion | Love_Sounds_With_Martha_Saunders_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_13 | Hello, Topical listeners. Today is Valentine's Day, and since I have nothing to offer on the matters of love and romance, we want to play for you a special bonus episode of another OPR podcast, Love Sounds with Martha Saunders. Join Saunders as she explores the world of 21st century romance and answers listeners' questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you'd probably prefer to keep private. Enjoy.
The Topical is presented by Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store. And while it's not technically a dating app, if you do happen to meet someone while transferring money, there's no harm in seeing where things go. Download Cash App today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical and let the sparks fly.
From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is Love Sounds. I'm your host, Martha Saunders. Valentine's Day. It can be a joyous occasion for many people.
For others, it's a painful reminder of memories they'd rather not relive. But within that pain, we can often find a glimmer of hope, sparkling like a diamond ring. Hope is what happened to Aaron Mercer, who will be reading a heartfelt first-person essay titled The Child's Torment. We hope it will make you cry.
There have been times in my life that I thought, I can't make it through another Valentine's Day. It's too hard being reminded of what I lost year after year. But with a little help, I did it.
I managed to love Valentine's Day again years after a nude man in a diaper killed my father with a bow and arrow. I don't think people understand what it feels like to walk around on Valentine's Day in my shoes. Images of Cupid are everywhere. The cherub wearing a diaper, launching his arrows and making couples fall in love. People think it's sweet. But when I see the God of love, all I can picture is my daughter, bleeding out on the sidewalk years ago after the man wearing only an adult diaper and filthy running shoes fired an arrow right through his chest. Every Valentine's Day was like watching him get murdered by that diaper man all over again.
It happened when I was just a little girl. It was outside a restaurant, of course. So the fact that Valentine's dinners are usually in restaurants has been another problem for me.
And the naked man came out of nowhere, wielding his bow, running down the street screaming, and I'll never forget it. I will always love you. I had a date once who played that song, and I ran from his apartment in tears.
Every year by mid-January, I would start to get a glimpse of the horrors awaiting me. I would be in the convenience store, looking for rubber bands or sponges, and there they'd be, lining the greeting card aisle, pictures of my father's killer, smiling at me, taunting me the way that man with the blood-stained adult diaper and filthy New Balance running shoes did that day, leering at me as my hemorrhaging father begged that man not to shoot anyone else. I would get so upset. I'd find myself shaking in the home arch aisle, dialing 911, about to call the police on a Valentine's Day card.
My relationships have suffered. For a long time, I would avoid even being in a relationship on Valentine's Day, or I'd say, let's have a quiet night in. But my date would bring over a box of chocolates, and there that diaper-wearing chair would be, waiting to ruin my day just like the diaper man ruined my life. One year, I had gone on a few dates with a guy, and things were going well, but then Valentine's Day rolled around. I hadn't told him yet about what had happened to my father. I didn't want to.
I really liked him, and I thought I would be okay. He had a sense of humor and liked to do these little stunts, so when he came to pick me up, he opened up his jacket and said, surprise! He had dressed up as Cupid. I still get waves of sadness when I remember how I felt in that moment. He just meant it as a bit of fun.
But I got so distraught, I basically blacked out. When I came to, I was screaming and smacking him with a dozen roses. Things were never the same after that. How could I make people understand that all Valentine's Day meant to me was holding my father's hand at the hospital as the life drained from his eyes, then being informed that the man in the diaper had gotten away, his bow and arrow nowhere to be found?
But in time, I persevered. I learned to cope. With the help of my therapist, I eventually stopped blaming myself for not jumping in front of that arrow.
I underwent extensive exposure therapy to dissociate the image of Cupid with the diaper man who killed my father on that terrible February day. Now when I see Cupid, I just have to say to myself, this is not the man who killed my father. This is the god of love. Not a grim-covered man with crazy eyes who thwacked my mother out of the way with his crossbow before blowing a kiss and killing my father. They are not the same.
Because ultimately, I know my dad wouldn't want me to suffer forever. He'd want me to go out there and go on dates and find happiness. Not continue to relive the sheer terror of trying to get the nude man to stop trying to yank his arrow out of my father's chest, using my father's body for leverage, then go skipping down the street with his bow yelling about how love hurts, his sodden diaper slipping past the crack of his ass, his dirty New Balance sneakers flapping in the wind.
Is Valentine's Day my favorite holiday now? No, it's not. But I've made my peace with it.
And I feel safer now. Also, I bought a gun. Thank God for guns. That makes me feel safe too. Thank you.
All right, top heads. Time to get real.
We know you have way too many options when it comes to daily news podcasts, but we're going to go ahead and tell you about one more anyway. Today Explain from Fox. It's unlike any other news podcast out right now. Oh, is that right? Every day, the team picks an essential news story that defines our moment. Sounds familiar. And then host Sean Ramisverum sits down with some of the world's best journalists, academics and policymakers to help us understand it. Jesus, should have just named it the topical. From the Brexit drama and 2020 presidential candidate issues to TikTok and Old Town Road, Today Explained isn't just for political junkies. It also explains a lot of other stuff that doesn't matter either. Hey, you already listen to like 12 other podcasts every day. What's the harm in one more? So if you haven't already, go ahead and subscribe to Today Explained from Vox wherever you get your podcasts.
We want to thank Erin for sharing her story and reminding us that Valentine's Day means something different to everyone. Thank you for listening to Love Sounds. If you enjoyed today's episode, you can penetrate our subscription button wherever you get your podcasts. And join us next week for a story of passion and recognition. We'll talk with a couple who ended their eight year long relationship after realizing they were better off as siblings. Until next time, I'm Martha Saunders. Have a happy Valentine's Day. |
cracked | shia_labeouf_s_introductions_cracked_responds | Do it! This is a cry for help, you guys. Is he cool? I think he might be cool. Do it! Just... Do it! Turn left! Stop giving up.
This seems to suggest that it's actually performance art. Well, I don't know if he's yelling at me or if he's yelling at himself. I think it started... Me? Okay, so this is about me.
Make your dreams come true! Just do it!
That's exhausting right there. That is hard to maintain that kind of energy.
So the crazy thing is that this is part of a 30 minute long video. I consider my videos as living paintings. I use the camera as a painter with his brushes. It never dynamically changes much, so it's just like 30 minutes of him standing completely and speaking at a barely audible level.
But then he does a little character work. Yeah. I think he's giving himself an exaggeration. This is how he gets into it. As an actor I can spot it.
You grab your tits, and you squeeze pretty hard and then you cry. That's how we cry on camera.
There's a point where he has just his shoes. It's one of the vignettes. It's just his feet in the air and it looks like he's wearing a pair of Civil War boots. Ebb and Flow. Yeah. Part of the experience of the video is slowly realizing that he has a tail. So I spotted it immediately. I did. And then he's in the helmet. Which is weird. He has a very complicated relationship with motorcycle.
The greatest video of all time. Guy with a GoPro on his head, driving through traffic.
Look at that arm. Look at that. His body language was full on bro down. I feel like that's just what he does when he pulls up next to someone. I don't know where that was.
He does live in LA, right? Because at one point he says Scene from a distance, almost everything looks beautiful. That's not true about Los Angeles. Los Angeles looked terrible when viewed from when you're landing on a plane. Oh yeah.
He plays multiple characters in that scene where he talks about having sex with a watermelon. Pleasuring himself with a watermelon. Tell me what it's like growing up in Singapore. I remember I used to climb to the top of the watermelon and I'd rub myself on the ridges to give myself pleasure. It's a big thing from Singapore. I used to have sex with my playground equipment. A watermelon isn't something you climb on top of unless you are very, very small.
Unless you're one of the borrowers. Unless you are. Yay high. Sure one of the borrowers.
I heard that he's like a method actor and during the course of the movie Lawless, which was about bootlegging, he was just shit-faced the whole time. What do you think he did to like method this? He probably got shit-faced. Oh, you know what I bet he did? He lived a completely titled life.
He was a child actor. Really tiny and adorable. But growing up in this world I am not surprised he's got anger issues. Is he a tiny person? He did say that he climbed on top of a watermelon. Is he actually crazy?
Is he Joaquin Phoenix? Joaquin Phoenix.
That's the thing is that I don't trust it. At this point I do not trust anybody's celebrity breakdown. I am tired of disingenuous celebrity I want to really see somebody's life just go completely to shambles.
This is a disclaimer. We don't usually do that in these but this is a half hour long video and I don't want anything we said here to encourage you to watch the whole thing.
Make your dreams come true. Just do it. Please subscribe. Do it. Just do it.
Can you guys see my feet? |
dropout | should_you_post_a_selfie | Junkin' up. Yeah. Hello. Do it. Take a selfie. Here? In the bathroom? Mm-hmm.
Isn't that a little narcissistic? Selfies are empowering. They help young girls redefine the standards of beauty. Oh, that's nice. So stick out your tits and take a picture. Adores. I'm just concerned that this is gonna come across. It's like some pathetic plea for attention. Do you know what selfie stands for?
Self-portrait. Guess who does self-portraits? Artists. Like Van Gogh. And James Franco.
Astronauts take selfies. In outer space. As they test the limits of mankind.
Not in the bathroom where they just took a shit. She made me second-guess my selfie. It's fine. No first draft ever made it to Instagram.
Just relax. You know, let your body just fall the way it naturally does.
You can't post that. You will look like a raging narcissist. It's the internet. Everyone does. Just hashtag no makeup and text some money to cancer. That's indulgences. Paying money to be relieved of guilt, no one's gonna buy that.
Why do you give such a fuck what other people think? Uh, actually, I don't give a fuck. That's why I don't post selfies. Well, I don't either. And that's why I do. I also don't give a fuck.
Fine. Make a weird face, but caption it. Being silly. What is my life? What? No. Cute weird. Stick your tongue out, but still have beautiful eyes. Now look away like you don't know you're taking a picture of yourself. Does that make sense to you? What, you just said?
Now hold up a sign about feminism, but still have great coverage. It's really starting to seem like you do give a fuck. Oh my God. Adorbs. Just being a nerd. Hashtag no makeup. No one's gonna fall for those. I don't normally post selfies, but just being goofy and living life. LOL. Hashtag cancer research. Oh, gross. Did you see Erin's new selfie? She is such an attention whore. It's like, stop shoving your face in my feet.
Gotta find him. Where is he? I don't know.
He's the bad guy. Gotta get at that rascal. A nerd.
Hashtag no makeup. No one's gonna fall for those. I don't normally post selfies, but just being goofy and living life. LOL. Hashtag cancer research. Oh, gross. Did you see Erin's new selfie? She is such an attention whore. It's like, stop shoving your face in my feet.
Gotta find him. Where is he? I don't know.
He's the bad guy. Gotta get at that rascal.
We're here right now doing it. Kony 2012.
Gotta find him. Where is he? I don't know.
He's the bad guy. Gotta get at that rascal. |
SaturdayNightLive | state_of_the_union_cold_open_snl | You're watching Cnn good evening, I'm Abby Phillip if you're just joining Us. President Biden has finished delivering his State of the Union address. Biden needed to show energy tonight, and he didn't disappoint. After a brief 45 minutes of selfies on the way to the podium, Biden began his speech with a bang. let's take a look.
Just pounded a celsius. Whoo! All right, okay, Mr. Speaker. too slow. Let's go. All right, everybody folks, tonight I'm gonna cover a lot. There's gonna be a lot of applause. So Cobbola, I hope you didn't skip leg day girl. You're gonna be up and down all night. Yeah, let's go now tonight, I'm also gonna be talking about my predecessor, mainly because every time I say predecessor, Mike Johnson shakes his head like you just accidentally caught 30 seconds of the show euphoria. That weirdo now actually tried to fix the border crisis, but the bill was tanked by my predecessor. Anybody want to say something to me? Marjorie? Yeah, thanks for dressing up tonight.
Anyway, you know, I'd stay here and talk to you all more, but I saw a glimpse of the Republican senators response to my speech and I think she's gonna help me more than anything else. I can say Enjoy! All in all, a strong speech from President Biden, but let's follow his advice and take a look at the Republican response from Alabama Junior Senator Katie Britt. Yeah, my name is Katie Britt and I have the honor of serving the great people of Alabama. But tonight I'll be auditioning for the part of Scary Mom and I'll be performing an original monologue called this Country is Hell You see, I'm not just a Senator. I'm a wife, a mother, and the craziest bitch in the Target parking lot. I'm worried about the future of our children, and this is why I've invited you into this strange empty kitchen because Republicans wanted me to appeal to woman voters and women love kitchen. But seriously, my husband Wesley and I just watched President Biden's speech and what I saw was the performance of a permanent politician, But me, I'm not performing.
I'm not.
First and foremost, I'm a mom. and like any Mom, I'm going to do a pivot out of nowhere into a shockingly violent story about sex trafficking. And rest assured, every detail about it is a real except the year where it took place and who was President when it happened? Tonight, I am not just responding to the state of the Union. I am also selling these gorgeous bejeweled cross-necklaces This affinity diamond necklace goes with anything, and you can wear it from the church to the club. And now I'm gonna get weirdly seductive for no apparent reason.
As I was saying, the American dream has turned into a nightmare. You know, My husband, Wesley and I spend a lot of time in this kitchen worrying. Kitchens are where families have the hard conversations like the one we'll have tomorrow about how mommy freaked out the entire country. But y'all Biden's the one who is destroying our country. Just ask yourself. are you better off today than you were four years ago? back in the good old days of 2020, the year that nothing bad happened And it's I can sing that so great, but our country is not. It's like I tell my kids every night. we are steeped in the blood of patriots in a castle made of bones. Good night kids. And speaking of tea, my tea is ready. The American people who are struggling right now know this. We hear you, We see you, We smell you. We're inside your kitchen right now, looking through your fridge. and what's that on the top shelf? Migrants. I think that analogy went well. In conclusion to the President of the United States,: I'll just say this: Mr. Biden, This isn't the last you'll see of Katie Britt. maybe not in politics, but when you close your eyes right. |
TheOnion | Greyhound_Now_Offering_Premium_Upgrade_To_Slightly_Less_Disgusting_Seats | At Greyhound, we're committed to providing our customers with an exceptional travel experience.
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cracked | how_video_games_are_making_professional_sports_obsolete | Rice is lined up behind his quarterback as the single back. All's it in for the first down. Oh, come on, man.
You said we could watch the game. You're watching the game. We're literally going to watch football together.
Literally, figuratively, all of that. We're killing it. I'm proud of us. You know what I mean. The Giants game kicked off five minutes ago. And yet, in a surprising twist, my fledgling expansion franchise, Mexico City Ravens, are already demolishing them in Super Bowl 69. I feel I've honored our agreement.
Besides, what's the difference? The difference between fact and fiction, being in reality.
Besides, I thought you hated sports. No way. I've had Madden forever. Buy the new one every couple years for roster updates. Real sports. Oh, yeah.
Hate those. Complete waste of time.
You're sitting motionless using a box that simulates playing real football, but without any of the life-improving physical activity. So you just want to watch real football, not play it.
The only calories you're burning are the slight arm movements to put more nachos into your cheer hole. And occasional standing and screaming. Oh, you do that when you gain, too. Watch how shitty I get next time I throw an interception. Great. Can't win. Plus, you can't do this in real football. Huh?
Look who I made my third string QB. It's you, buddy. I'm your backup's backup. At least you got some special teams reps, man. Of course, Joe Montana has 99% durability, so you're likely never going to see the field.
This is so stupid. You made all this shit up, man. Football is a real story with consequences, you know? Characters that you follow, not some mega man that you reset over and over. Really? Your argument for real football is the consequences?
Your side can't go two quarters without tearing an ACL or damaging a brain. Video games may be an exercise in fantasy, but at least they're injury free. It's like saying staring at a wall is injury free. Just because you're not getting injured doesn't mean you're accomplishing anything.
Yeah, and there will always be another Super Bowl, and nothing that affects your life will actually ever be decided by who won last year. And then we all die. Did you not realize that yet?
I want to play fake football, all right? I want to see real human asses in fucking sweaty lycra. Well, I don't really want to watch a bunch of cavemen smash into each other to decide nothing. Let's compromise them. Let's do a third thing. The fuck? Come on! Your hand's made of retarded guys' hands! Yeah, I'd be down for compromise activity. You want to go outside, toss a ball around?
It's so hot out today. Does look hot.
Roll sound. Speed. Roll camera. And action. Hey, guys.
Thanks for watching the video that you just watched, whatever that might be. Be sure to subscribe to our channel. For more of that, if you have already subscribed, comment on the video and say you liked it. Don't say you didn't like it, and be mean, and click Like. And check out our playlists. They've got videos.
Who all the republicists say I'm so high? |
dropout | tweetlejuice | Hey Sparky. Babs. Twitter got you down. Overwhelmed by boring tweets. Who are you? I'm Tweedlejuice. Twitter expert.
All around IP. Hosts with the most. Now I know what it's like. Your friends get on this whole Twitter thing. They start announcing the world that 30 rocks of rerun.
Their meatloaf went bad. They're stuck in traffic.
Give me a break. Are you dead? Yeah. Well, that's besides the point. Give me that thing, you hot piece of ass. What do we got here? Vacuum sealed my sweaters this morning. Hello, summer. What do you do?
You're following these boring Twitter critters. You don't want to unfollow them. You feel guilty. So I kill them.
One. Five. One.
You're gonna kill our friends? Kill, torture, maim.
Anything you want, really. At A plus K. At The Real Shack. At iJustine.
At John C. Mayer. I like John Mayer.
Hey, I gotta kill someone or at least scare him. You like it? What are your qualifications?
Well, I majored in computer science at MIT and spent four years as a senior developer at Google. Not to mention three years in the marketing departments of MySpace, Friendster, and Pounce where I developed a hatred for social networking and microblogging so pervasive I freaked out at a clever quip every single time they tweet it. So if you ever need me, and I know you will, tweet Tweedles. You're the first person you hate. Once, twice, three times the charm, and bam!
They're out of commission. We're gonna be BFFs. We knew that. |
cracked | the_terrifying_future_of_video_games_taking_your_money | You know, your questions are actually really distracting and I'm trying to f**k every f**king time. Oh, and great.
Now she changed maps. Maybe she changed maps.
This is just consequence free repetition, man. You start another game, set magic. No one. I can't just start another game.
There's this kid, this punk, who keeps chipping me. I can tell she's 13 from her s**ty little voice, and it's my job to teach her some humility.
I'm trying to follow her to a new map, but she bought all the DLC maps, so I can't. DLC maps? Downloadable content. Bonus maps.
I haven't bought them for this yet. Wait, hold on. So there's a part of the game you already own that you can't access without paying more money? Is it an important part? Not always. Just in my current situation. Or if something in the game's not ready yet, but the game still needs to come out, they'll package the patch like it's a cool extra thing you need when they're really just fixing the game that didn't work. Or if they want to incentivize pre-orders by offering a special in-game item or something, or just think that they can squeeze a few bucks out of idiots who will pay to change the color of their horse or whatever.
And people do that. Idiots do that. Some idiots, yes.
Me, sometimes. If the horse color's sweet, you know. Can you even see yourself where the costumes you buy? I mean, not in first-person shooters, no. Other people can, after you kill them or if they kill you on the kill cam for like a split second. And earlier, when I asked, you know, people do that, and you said some, you're being honest? You're being an honest person. Yeah. By paying money. Trust me, they make a difference.
To buy maps. To buy pictures of just like an area. That's not what maps means.
It's like new levels or a new chunk of story. Like right now, I'm paying $3 so that I can follow this young lady into a silo somewhere and murder her completely like I've been trying to do for an hour. Right, unless you paid for like a better gun or something, right? How's it like even a fair test of your skills?
Because eventually everyone buys all the DLCs, so we're all even again. Plus, it's not like they overpower you, okay? Most of these things go out of their way to not, you know, change the game, really. The things you just said, trust me, they make a difference about. Yes, exactly those. They don't really make much of a difference. Okay. So they get you to pay for a game that you already bought by getting other people to pay again. And you don't want to feel left out, right? By having stuff that like largely doesn't matter but might in some situations.
Shut up and play your stupid thing. What stupid thing are you playing? Blobber blast? You blast your little blobbers. There's so many of them. I don't care if it's for babies, it's fun, you know? I'm just saying that preemptively. Cool. You ever win blobber blast?
We can't really win. You know, you just get like to high levels with maximum points. The shit thing though is that when you have to stop for a while, or you can pay to keep playing. Which I did once, you know, I tell everyone my finger slipped, which is believable because the button pays like on screen the entire fucking time. What? It's no stupider than you buying maps to lose to a kid. It's a little stupider.
Yeah! Right out of the gate, bitch! Eat it!
Oh, I can't hear. I can't hear now, you bitch.
Hey, at least I got the fucking hell, huh? Yeah, you're a 13 year old girl a bitch. Let's do that again, man. Yeah, that was worth your real money, right? To buy a picture of a map of an area that doesn't exist? What? One of those medals you just won? Can you win those just by like, can you just pay for them? And the house you just blew up. You know, without your constant bombardment of questions, it's actually a lot he- AHHH! Time!
Yeah? Well, oh, did your mom write that?
Come back. You've damaged my ears, young lady. You're going to be hearing from legal counsel. Alright, fuck off, fuck off. Fuck again! I think I'm just going to feel good about the one. I killed a- I took a girl's life from the world once.
Just download this game, man. We can play together. Yeah? Is it free? The download's free, but that button is on the screen, man. You gotta pay for it. Is the button shaped like a blubber? It is.
How'd you know that? That's how they get you. You played this game, didn't you? That would just be how they would get you.
Alright, so level six, right? Here I am. Check it out. We never do this anymore. No, I know. It's been a while. Alright, so you got that blue blubber, right? But then the pink one's coming. Watch it. Yeah. I can't get it.
No, we're- I don't want to talk to you anymore. |
Wizards_with_Guns | wwg_battlefront_2_livestream | You gotta change the name Star wizards gaming live stream and say battlefront to live stream star wizards battlefront to live stream To say battlefront to live stream, it's normal wwg battle Oh wait put a link to our patreon go to our patreon just type in our patreon cuz we're gonna be promoting it a little bit In case people want to check it out Go check it out the go This sucks It's actually worth it But our picture that is how you spell patreon better. Yeah Here is my face. Just make it at the top of this I Mean if they want to support us, it's an easy way to get there. I'm gonna start it unless did they don't have to support us All right, right. Can you listen to this? Michael there's the link Mike. I have my iPad here with the Chat, you might want to like pull it up with your phone. Yeah, I'm gonna do that. You know, we're good Oh Check check make us louder make us check check This is a mic check Moving this around got the music going Game is still a little loud The game like not I can see the game Menu was like off Yeah, you gotta like scale it correctly it looks scaled properly on my What Drupal it? Yes.
Oh Wait, wait, yeah Okay, I think we're right. I think we're good.
Are you just looking at anything right now? I don't see anything else Okay, let's start moving around That's punched in why was it punched in for That doesn't make any sense Anakin was fine. Oh, it's cuz I was all tabbed. I think I don't know what's going on And bingo Jesus It is whispering you scoot scoot down a little bit man. Yeah, you're good bitch it worked They will see my screen if I have anything else to close out of anything weird all your Yeah, I just got the notification. No way. That's dope And we were only six minutes late. That's kind of impressive Oh Frank is it playing out of your iPad? Yeah, it is. But Mitch, I can't see the game Pause it make sure your volume is off on your iPad.
There's no feedback Hey guys, great to see everybody. Oh my gosh, there's so many people here It's like a hundred people already 57 and counting. Is this what Joe Rogan feels like? Yeah When you sit there do DMT Hey guys, this is our new gaming channel, we've completely abandoned sketches Yeah, this is supposed to be public This is not a gaming channel Wizards with games Jamie pull up that monkey Guys welcome to our Q&A live stream as well as our gaming live stream Feel free to ask us any question and we reserve the right to not answer it as well as our telethon Do something funny.
All right You can't see right now, but Frank is putting out a funny little hat. It's so fucking funny. So funny You look so silly.
Oh my god Mitchell just puked his pants disgusting puked his pants You can't send super chats is that the chats with the money shit we should have enabled that. Oh well It's fine your company is worth we don't want to wait unless it's on patreon. Oh, yes our patreon We will be plugging our patreon Ferociously throughout the whole night, but we're all so excited to answer you guys's questions Can you turn on foot cam? Are you all monetized we are monetized Barely Logan Logan made it it's good to see you Logan Someone said wait. I have a question Vincenza have has anyone really been That's a gibberish Read them all enabled my Lex Dixia How much does it cost to buy friends? depends How good of friends do you want? What are your friends if you subscribe to our patreon our sixty or five ten or twenty dollars our $60 friend here?
We will come to your house. We'll sort of give you a shit around We'll water your dog water your dog. We'll mow the roof trim the windows We will eat your plant someone's demanding we answer Vincenzo's question who the fuck is Vincenzo.
I love him. I Love oh wait.
No cussing. There's a no cussing stream our moms might be out there. Please don't comment anything vulgar Don't comment anything Sexual don't comment anything don't comment anything a horny Just don't comment So we're gonna do it Someone wrote farts ban him ban him you're banned per van What come with the barge I can't All right, we should start playing yeah, I Would do the I don't know which ones are yes crap is a bad word you're a band Makes a poop joke you forgot to put the asterisk Farts damn it.
Are you Italian because seriously? Nobody pronounces. I'm actually not Italian Michaels Italian though.
Yeah That's the one reason we haven't been canceled for sauce yet We will be canceled. We will be eventually wait you're ready for that Randall Somebody canceled matchmaking We can't just do it three players Or do we need to like I don't know I've literally never played this game before oh That's not good.
Oh Get ready for me to carry the entire squad Sir you just did that why would I be searching for one it was just us three If you received a like Mike item that gave you all the talents of a previous famous owner, okay Yeah, like how like you know a little bow Wow got Michael Jordan shoes. It gave him the powers of Michael Jordan Who's a little bow Wow rapper? See like a Romeo you walk hunt Frank's voice is giving off extreme separatist vibes Ridiculous you do sound like a separate the banking plan will sign your treaty you walk on they want us to do You walk on I love I love when you just purge a local population.
Oh don't clip that out of context, please That's only about Ewoks. They don't look like me, so they're Five dollars for a sandwich Okay, all right.
We're playing on Felicia. I knew a girl named Felicia my dad went to Felicia Is it you all come a real thing you can do in the game?
Yeah? Oh shit? carry over from the original I'm gonna be a heavy Okay, oh, it's just us three. Yeah, is it yeah my kind of fans screaming Are you in I'm in I'm in a loading screen for Felicia All right, I mean I can anyone Caulk commented can anyone see my comments Please calm it sounds like we're gonna have to check out the ewok I Much do each of you like air, but I won't accept any answers below being the best My FOB is too wide All right our names are not popping up just the numbers But you can see the green little guy come on post needs to fall before we can go home. Oh your name is number It's no it's like it doesn't matter for me. Well. Yeah, Frank is great and Michael is a number I'm behind you can see if I'm a number. Oh shit.
I don't have a hood You don't have a hud at all. No, I don't get you're not wearing it.
Oh, it's from that one thing We're taking photos with it. What's your name? Oh, you?
Yeah Who would win in a fight to the death my money's on Mitch, I think he's got that dog I Have a dog inside of me is a dog Oh, I just went to first-person mode So yeah more questions Or if we'll play you walk on please more Or you know those games are recharge your hit points Yeah Halo No, just sort of state your answer to a question Be careful brothers Initial assault phase complete the clankers are retreating Opinions on smiling friends. We love smile. Oh my god. So good. I watch oni plays all the time So I was I was falling out all the way until it released. It's one of our favorite shows We would show everyone the powers the port and the positions revealed on your scanners turn those clankers into slag Advanced voice so far our show has not gotten green list only been brown Guys stop asking Send only things like we have our patreon link if you guys choose to support us, but only fans that's not It's not something we have yet. We're in a dispute with patreon about what the allows We like cat cheese That Did you know sketch let's give zero Nice theme set that's awesome Oh Opinions on escape We can barely hear you We'll start screaming says everyone's saying hard to hear you guys now turn the game Out loud Game got real loud Opinions on the social and geopolitics Geopolitical status, of course Mike you know more about Isn't the game fixed guys ever said better Everyone said better Can it be is it good? All right. We got several requests for a walk on kids. No, no, can someone confirm the audio issue? I died a fucking died. Everyone says it's better. Is it better or a much better? Okay good Everyone's happy Thank you guys You're you're Yoda Yoda You guys got to play battlefront in its VR I think it makes me return to the objective. I play opinions on Darth Maul starting an only fan No, I'm I'm pro Overall, I'd say it's pretty horny.
That's a color purple. Oh, that's a good double entendre. Thank you, man That's why they that's why they came in a big button. We pay you one big bucks.
I think it'd be good Any non foot related questions Thoughts on thinking auntie Not big thinkers Thoughts on shoes Yeah more questions like these please. I like shoes are good on my feet Just objects, you know, just in the room. We're in Someone wrote Obama namak on the set of questions more about Obama namak on How do I join the game as a normal character making me pay so much money to join This game just be like a class Yo, he wrote Obama namak on he had a good question mark It'll bring so we want to shoot thoughts on clocks go be fine. They're fine. I don't use it Like they keep writing Obama namak on question more Thoughts about nonstick services.
Um, I don't know I wish it was great more We're just prop you guys have uh, that's a great question You have a baby that looks like an old man an ancient baby Yeah Bible with a bullet in it not too proud of that one. Not too happy about that one those thoughts on babies Fine fine, I guess I don't know I think they're all pretty hot much most babies are pretty ugly pretty bad conversation Not very funny Should we judge a baby on its ugliness or its ability to like General Grievous, sometimes the baby's ugly because it's an ugly baby. Sometimes you can tell it's still gonna turn out ugly It's a cute baby.
We like you're gonna be My favorite YouTube sketch channel by far. Thank you so much Salt store, what's your favorite sketch? You know if you don't mind attack I'm curious Judge a baby on the taste the flavor. Oh, come on guys Have you considered making a custom Magus miniature for D&D actually we have been sent a custom Magus miniature From one of our patrons. She was super super kind No Foremost hole was the goat sketch. Thank you so much. We'll probably do a third one in the near future Sand Castle real estate That's good, too Yeah, I'm curious comment which sketch you enjoyed the most and we will make just like 30 sequels of that Bitch what are your thoughts on Frank?
Yeah, let's The Mexico brothers will they return maybe maybe we kind of like saw a diminishing return with the jokes that we were coming up With for them in the last sketch and so we kind of need to refresh we need a good idea That microwave one there it was too big the record was way too big far too large all the science all the sci-fi sketches are you afraid of the star like Star Wars ones because we Enjoyed those two fun to make Chef was too good. I'm assuming that's cooking with kitchen just you just what Do more Michael Jackson stuff, you know, we haven't done that It seems like people really enjoy Mexico brothers, that's awesome.
Thank you guys. Thank you. Thanks all of you for watching our sketch comedy videos Oh the cantina one. Thank you. Yeah, that one we that was really hard to do, but we enjoyed making it Someone wrote but with feet. Thanks Rubix What happened Mitch?
Thoughts on Jesus for Jesus. It's fine. We love Jesus for Jesus. Oh Jesus Christ is in the chat Yeah, that's dope. No, Jesus Can I go to heaven?
Good boy, I've been fine. I've been a good boy. I didn't do a steal or even a drug Just tell me I did Jesus for Jesus favorite sketch. Thank you so much guys.
Really appreciate it wizards watches We were actually just filming a wizard's watch about five minutes ago Um We're not sure how it'll turn out. Hopefully good. He walks versus stormtroopers. Oh my gosh Daniels not going to heaven. Well, we don't like that Daniels might not be human So it might not the rules might not apply the same way Guys, we're in. Oh shit. I'm not in yet. I'm still loading you think aliens go to heaven like Christian heaven Yeah Like you die, I'm an ewok gross I'm gonna you walk to I Can sniff did you see I think we're supposed to be like stealthy All your character.
Oh, this is a great question all your characters in a fight arena who wins That's a fantastic question. Oh Daniel, maybe Daniel, maybe Titus Diamond hook, you know Titus is scrappy, you know that much He's scrappy. He's self-made crappy and he has so much money. It's true He's the Bezos of scrap He's the Bezos of Christianity Oh Fucking lug nut the wrestler would win for sure. That's a great answer. Oh, there's no fall damage where he was Yeah, guys, I'm curious what your favorite characters are Doesn't matter.
We're gonna do it everyone I want to know but tell us to stroke our ego. Yeah Stroked as of late. Come on. I'm curious. I don't even know where to go. So cynical Mike You gotta kill the the major is the Grinch Ravi. Good to see you. Yes, press press e guys Bibleman Hillary kitchen What about that one seem like actual box Is this supposed to be box which can you stop talking about the dang game? Okay?
Hornos whole that's not a character. It's more of a whole More of a horn. I don't even know if horno is the guy that's his name horno thing Guys Robbie's here the secretary and he's too busy to see you.
Thank you so much Robbie guys Robbie is our is one of our editor editors. He's actually our Well, there are two editors I see Frank just aimlessly wandering beneath me I could totally We love Robbie Rip Terry the lobster the second editor is me Michael's the singer and Mitchell's the drummer Terry the lobster was a character believe it or not And we literally renamed that that sketch after after it did well just because everyone liked the lobster clip I mean it's gone viral so many times on every social. I've seen it reposted in like three different language So it's starting to look like real VHS now Yeah Guys everyone asked what happened to Terry the lobster comment your best guess into what we did with him afterwards and then Mike will tell you You're gonna tell them what happened to Terry the lobster No, I think it's better to keep that a mystery Well, I just want to know what they think happened to Terry the lobster This is more of an A&Q instead of a Q&A. We ask you guys questions We give you answers and you have to guess what question we're answering They all said sex I didn't do sex on Terry Guys, come on. Come on, but he's let's be mature about I think we fostered a pretty mature audience with all the kind of jokes that we made about Farts No, come videos yet. No come come videos to come come videos to come I think I believe so Michael took Terry home, but I believe you said you set him free on the yeah I set him free in his natural habitat right on the highway So Terry the lobsters on the 408 as we speak.
He is free to roam. He's got holes a free reigns lobster He runs the toll booth I Tried to let him go but he pinch me on my penis He did a death roll right on the start dude crocodile style death roll right on me right on the tip of his paint I'm sure I cried That's fine. That's normal.
That's only human There's three of them, but I I only heard one gunshot and then like three Ewoks killed him and so I Why didn't why didn't Captain Bible stop 9-eleven? Well, he didn't pray hard enough Captain Bible actually passed away before 9-eleven happened. Yep We just now found the old recordings Believe it or not. He was shot in the head. He didn't have the Bible in there that time. He's gone There's one of them left Is this you I?
Don't have a hood Where is my dang hood? I don't hear my snare in my monitor. Where's my snare?
Y'all should do a stream where chat can Create a skit. Oh, that's a great idea guys. Go ahead and write a skit in the chat What one line at a time everyone take turns? exterior interior nice Hope I died interior is the character.
We got a victory Thank you grandma. I'm not gonna lie you are cut as the ewoks. It was I want to shoot little you hot When you And then exterior my interior now Yeah, so so far.
This is a bunch of incoherent gibberish, and then it says a 30-minute stare that I have to do Already a very long. That's a lot of investment. That's a lot of that's just a lot of storage a lot of digital storage I need to figure out budget-wise 30 minutes geez Go ahead and comment your favorite number time for a walk sketch maybe I Think the door dashes here yep Hold on guys.
I'm gonna grab my boys all right, so they become a muck bong real quick here Yeah, you guys gonna hear some slurping and some gurgling gargling farting some screaming dude, I Love I love just spinning count Dooku around dude. I'm doing I'm just spinning him around. He's so fun to just twirl It looks like he's having a blast Two fish are in a fish tank the other fish says to the other fish Hey, hey, you know how to drive this thing.
That's that's pretty funny. That's pretty good. Oh My God look how much white sauce they gave us guys streams over Streams over the white sauce is energy will be falling. Yeah, we're gonna really kind of fall into an ASMR stream Blood We probably shouldn't eat on the stream. Well Frank look at that.
They reference the life probably shit It's almost like people know about lifetime. What's lifetime. Yeah, Frank doesn't know what lifetime is I made a reference to him about lifetime He's like what the hell is that nobody knows what that is cuz I don't know that's what he told me If I never heard of it, it's not real Dude it is hot it's hot right now.
It's smell that you smell that yeah, but you can also just you know watch it All right, I think I want it's gonna it's gonna be you can have like a fight But like if we how is this Kobe it's gonna be over. Oh Frank come back here with my Kobe. I Just know myself. I'm gonna be like I'll save Half of Nobody needs that water It's a 20-inch diameter watermelon Hey guys, everybody feet long. Everybody asked Mitch a question. He'll answer it. I won't To participate in the stream I like watermelon.
It's just it's yellow. It's too big I don't know why it's yellow.
It just is I am I'm telling them that it's yellow watermelon They're loving it they're going crazy going nuts they're going ballistic some would say it's popping off You just dumped white sauce all over that there's no way you're playing games Yes, oh my gosh so good Can I have your teeth yes you can What's your address push it live know how to respond to chat? It's like It's too much too quick Make that a video piss melon I think you just cracked the code Or watermelon toilet, that's pretty good, too someone wrote Someone's named Frank J. That's almost my name a Darman parody that's a great idea Logan. All right, I put that on the list Open the watermelon just piss. This is a great These guys are writers. I told you it was popping off They love the balance someone just wrote poop, so that's like I think that's six of our sketches already at least That's a good idea though, huh? It's not bad.
All right, let's get into another game My name how good is y'all's cool, but fuel mileage not great. My name is Frank for real. Also. What are you 50? What kind of name is Frank?
It's embarrassing. I Would be so embarrassed Now the only other Franks I know are white men who yell at skateboarders You know more than one of those I know if you have skateboarded before Do a sketch where where where You tried to do a poo but pee come out That's a great idea like a Fox studios just released a video very similar and that's funny because it's relatable. It is relatable You grow grocery store, but all the food is equivalent to when you see man spider says spider-man Okay, pretty good You shoot a sketch for characters meet other characters a wwg universe Oh guys missiles taking a shit Comment the color his shit might be no, actually don't do that.
Don't do that. I don't want to see that.
Come on guys Mostly jokes from other stuff. That's a good idea Hitler vs. Maggies Who's playing Hitler though? Okay, actually The person who said that they want us to do a Sketch like the Joker one, but with Batman we have already we were all saying like oh What do we do next do over the Batman and then we immediately started it's true dying laughing about thinking about ideas So we might end up doing that But essentially our Batman is just doing Pete Holmes's Batman, so maybe we'll back off We're very inspired No one's asking us how tall we are Guys guess our heights individual heights.
No, wait Guess our race guess each and every one of our races How wide are you? Robby's asked how wide we are. It's a great question. I'm five foot three They're commenting three foot three foot nine five foot eight four foot five It's funny because like there's a everyone's come to Asian Filipino Mexican. We all wait. Hold on Are you saying Mitchell's Asian or Filipino? Which one? Guys guess Frank's race.
Don't tell them don't tell them. I'm good. I'm gonna do a Noel Miller I'm not gonna tell them my race.
I want to see if they can guess it and Be nice That was not a nice comment someone wrote Frank Asian, thank you I'm honored. I'm honored. Thank you. Someone just said smelly. Yeah, that's yeah I asked them to be nice and they're just kind of doing the opposite. Mm-hmm Cherokee, thank you. Thank you. Michael Jackson. Thank you. Oh Thank you Frank he's Vietnamese Italian. Oh, thank you Irish. Thank you. I have to say thank you no matter what I need to say Thank you.
I would be proud to be any of these races to be honest and and you might have guessed it already. Who knows? Someone wrote gay. That's more of an orientation. But thank you Martian elvish straight Thank you, thank you small, okay. Yeah that one got me that one cut Wookiee, okay mine player rich cool cool cock one, okay You know, uh, NASCAR alive Michael very smart I mean, they're all good guesses Unfortunately, I will not be answering it. We're gonna do a race reveal at the end of the month Yeah guys Mitchell's back they were just guessing if you were circumcised or uncircumcised I Guess I'll just have to keep guessing Guys I'm sending a picture in chat. I figured it out. I think you'll see that he's half circumcised. Oh That's what I was saying. I mean nobody had guessed right?
Come on. All right, let's get another game going. Come on Yeah, I'm I've been dying. Okay, you've been eating Kobe.
So I'm pumped up Freaking good Someone wrote hobbit was that wait his hair is hot was hobbit for what race I am or whether Mitchell is circumcised or not Oh, no, it was hobbit style. He's right hobbit style is your circumcision Yeah, you're getting circumstances like you want that hobbit song All right, dude, that is such a funny idea though getting circumcised like it's a haircut That's a great idea Just a little off the top but mostly a lot off the side Can you make it like this you do a perm it's a photo of fucking Pete Davidson Just go I Just want a trim. Yeah Can you do banks, but can you do big doctor took too much off the top? Too much off the cap Just take it all off Someone wrote bowl cut We have to do this go it's so rancid of an idea it's great This is a great idea. This is like a third of the ideas we come up with is just far too crass Partly our moms watch our sketches guys, okay Oh Make the bald man cry Someone said they're crying. I'm sorry about that Go to a barber, but they're a pew barber Rope mullet Someone wrote balls.
Come on. I'm all fine to leave a party in the back when they start doing the business Afro is you can't do that Someone just go with it. I'm here too. Thank you. I want to look like a fool Guys we're dying to hear who are your favorite comedians aside from WWG You know, we want to hear your favorite youtubers. We're curious what our audience is into We kind of already know you to give this all your personal value private data We have to pay for they just offer it is off it. They're like your audience lives here. Okay? You left a comment. We know where you live Patrice O'Neill.
That's a good one Unless he's canceled and I don't like I hate him Oh We get Like him to smosh a lot, which is not bad But to be honest, we didn't really watch a lot of Smosh and we're younger so it's it's really interesting to go back and watch this stuff and I Do see a lot of similarities in terms of energy. I cringed a lot though to be honest I feel a little bit worried when everyone says we're just like them. Well, no, they're their comedy was It was of its air. It was of its era for sure. Like it was and our our like age. Oh I'm sure like ten years from now people look at our comedy like you We love Jim and Eric Definitely drinking dry drinking Josh.
Thank you. Yeah Oh Steve Zaragoza was a big inspiration for us Jacob Amir huge inspiration for us most of the old college junior stuff We love Dan Schneider Whoa, don't say that. I mean nothing bad comes out about that. No Okay, I would be devastated if I heard some kind of bad new Michael is being he's using sarcasm. We did watch W tuck Whitest kids, you know, I didn't watch as much whitest kids, you know, I watched a ton of Zu qua studios. We love zoo club guys go subscribe to do please if you haven't heard of them from him It's amazing He also has a fantastic You Do yeah, we should shout out to you your channel I need to make sure I pronounce it correctly Zuck's it guys go subscribe to suck zid. That's the ultimate of the spell Z You see Z I D Zuc zi D. Do not tell him we sent you just if you like you here meta content Guys What's your favorite Mitchell moment, go ahead and comment your favorite mental health I do need to clear something up with everyone. We don't silence Mitchell He talks when he wants to and that's the charm of it Mitchell begs us to be in every single sketch.
We said not yet. You're not ready Screaming look behind the camera.
You scream get behind the camera get behind the cage get back in the cage Who's Mitchell nice very funny guys, which is a valued member of this team Everyone's like Daniel wait Daniel Brown Jedi. Yes, that's me. Yeah, Daniel kind of plays Mitchell in his everyday life Someone's favorite Mitchell moment when he says godspeed spider-man I Think more Mexico present perhaps. I assume Mitchell doesn't know what he's in a sketch. It's true Someone claims they can replace you Mitchell. That's not nice Well, okay depends are you eight feet tall and are your knees like doorknobs cuz then Cuz then you then you're hired basically Mitchell's only seven feet Is a hundred feet tall It's morbid time Mitchell currently Mitchell said that you got your fighter legs spider eyes Spider helmet guys coming your favorite Michael I don't want to know I want to know Abe Lincoln Teens for life. Oh, that's a callback Teens for life was a harrowing Years years of animating it's actually all 3d. It's just business Now that's a sketch I haven't watched in a while it's just business gave us our first real success through reddit You shot my Bible that is an excellent Michael moment the hot one sketch. That's a great Michael Oh You found it on the drive every time I find somewhere cool on a map it tells me I can't go there Cut cock.
Can you please change your name?
My mom is watching this. She's she's texting me right now. She's Twitter DMing me about your name Someone's oh someone said they love almost all our sketches.
All right, which ones do you hate? I Give us the worst sketch. Yeah, get let's that is actually really interesting. Let's roast us Don't even hold back We try to keep things varied So we assume that some things just do not work for a lot of cock says no He's not gonna change his name. Our worst sketch is sandy What if you just get so mad like the stream's over stream. Turn it off. I don't care. Oh It's someone's defending sandy. That sounds like I hate sandy to be honest. That's really funny. I don't blame you I Wasn't a fan of the serial killer sketch. That's fair. That's fine. It is definitely Alright guys Yeah, we're probably gonna keep doing that every once in a while because that was like the first real time we ever got Well, I know you know, that's our one for Caesar. I mean, you know, we Yeah, no, honestly, we it's not like it comes out That's fine fair fair sometimes the reality Just doesn't drive sometimes we try to make ourselves laugh more than you guys and that undercover boss one's a really good example So they're defending sandy that's so sweet. I hate all of your sketches I only watch I Don't want to talk about it Mitchell.
That's amazing. Oh wait. Oh, oh You guys watch our reaction videos. That's awesome. Thank you Oh Can we see more conspiracy videos about MLK Jesus here More to come more to come I Guess we'll do more Guys who's a youtuber you want to see us collaborate?
We'll see if we haven't already burned that bridge more d&d stuff Yet we want to do more d&d stuff But it's kind of honestly a little difficult for us to write for d&d a little bit serious about our Games when we play so there's not a lot of means someone wrote they want us to climb with Alex Jack Bob, oh, it would be a dream to climb the deck Markiplier sure. Yeah, these are all doable mr. Beast. Yeah, we have mr. Beast Slot I actually just hung up on I Think it was like how's it going everybody? Brian David Gilbert, that would be an awesome club. That'd be a dream collab It sucks because I can't give my real opinions about any people in case you do want to work with them Wow, we like all of them except for well There are a few exceptions An improv sketch with Ted Cruz.
Thanks. Thank you.
We he is scheduled for the next sketch He's a biker Filthy Frank, he's not around anymore. Unfortunately, just that you look just like that Joe G guy Yeah, we might push him Sean Kingston, okay Is anyone else drunk? Is a kenku from You open up your cheer wine I think you is like a Japanese bird demon or whatever. But yeah Go ahead and tweet at Brandon Lee Mulligan Now I'm intimidated by a guy who's far too witty he's far too I would never want to work with him We're not good improvisers guys Yeah, the other day we were doing a scene and I said, oh I'm a I'm a coffee Look I'm a coffee barista and Mike just went no, he said no, you're not and then he kind of shut down I don't even it's not even no and I just say no No, thanks Collab with my grandma.
Okay, she make you on YouTube. She have it on the fans So What's that a nine drinks in? Well, that's that's that's uh, that's healthy that's halfway there Ryan.
Oh, come on You're a bitch. Oh Don't call our audience a bitch. Catch up coward.
She's No, a monk it would be a dream collab with that I Almost said Gibby If we ever collaborated then we just want to do a sketch where we keep calling him Gibby He gets so mad, but I honestly think he actually does not want that in real life His stuff is so creative If you haven't checked out Google It's definitely a quiet day So don't blame us if you feel like you're in the 9th circle of hell if you watch one of his videos He makes stuff. We're too afraid to me You make stuff I'm too afraid to watch some yeah, I Mean, I definitely I definitely admire someone who has that much style. I got cooked Yoda got cooked I got baked Darth Vader's here. Darth Vader Darth Vader shit I don't understand why saying return to the objective like why can't I run on it and like shoot people that are outside the edges Jack pop is making a movie right now That's lame. I want to do what I want to do. I know it's forced me into a box I used in battlefront 2 2005 when I used to just hide thank you more taxes He tweeted that brandedly mulliganing our Twitter guys our Twitter is at WWG underscore TV We're tweeting up a storm over there.
We got we got funny takes on politics Yeah, we got political opinions Voting and politics and the president and colors and shapes colors and shapes are on their team For instance triangles great To square for me. Oh They want to know our hot takes We don't have any like give us that one hot take that had you okay?
I think this hot take makes turns to an entire social gathering on me every time I give it and I think that Seltzer is an acquired taste. I think nobody likes Seltzer off rip I think it's bad and you just convince yourself It's good because it's a drink that you can drink without guilt and a lot of people who are recovering from alcohol Is it which is a valid thing? But for me, it's like beer coffee. It's like it's bad until it's good I disagree. I mean lots of people do and I don't blame you, but that's how I feel I I like Seltzer more than I did because I just drank it a little bit more than I used to Someone said Seltzer's crunchy water like no offense is the most mild hot take you can ever had It's about to take about water And I stand by that I'll die on that Mitch what was your take about Do what if he tweets at us because I have Mitchell from Lizards gun loves my hair Mitchell from which your guns to look Oh my god, look at the stream watch Whoa, what happens?
Did you die watch? Oh my god, Mitchell just got sucked into a tornado a Tornado, what happened? Yeah, I guess your stream is really it's a pretty big line Yeah, if you're wondering why we're responding to your your shit at a very weird timing. It's because of the delay They all spawn on top of me I Hate when people throw it trash.
That's okay. You know what?
Here's a take that's gonna ruin my reputation Oh, no, no, Mike, don't say it. I don't return my cart and I think people to make a big deal Goody two-shoes All those channels are like you're an asshole you don't return your car Okay, I move it off where cars go, but I'm not gonna walk to go put it away Mike does messed up Those people get paid minimum wage and then you're just out here making their I don't tip servers So I'm not gonna I'm not gonna wrangle cart No But I don't You know what the bad thing is sometimes I tip too much when it's just the screen that asked me if I want to Tip because the person behind the counter staring at me I'll be like just the other day. He put his penis tip right on the counter, but I like how I chopped it off. Oh Dang someone's like it's their job to get the carts. Oh, come on guys You gotta you gotta return the cart. I mean in Florida. It is mean to make people walk around in a parking lot It's true. Yeah, but I just don't feel bad about there's a video of me out there not returning the cart I'm gonna get fucking cancer for it We're pro cart returning that's the official stance of WWD never yeah, I said that Which I'll walk back to Tucker Carlson here I Saw him tweet the girls and hair is just fine He walked it back so hard No See the thing is a character refuses a tip and return his carts is always the bad guy That's like your you know, but he's Larry David character.
He's an asshole I'm trying to think of what my hot take is. Oh, I think music kind of sucks That is an actual take of Frank. No, it's like Angela from the office Here's the way you get Frank into a song It has to have flute or some kind of silly clown element if it has a clown element It's like secretly a good song, but it's a little if it's like polka if it's anything weird Alan What's played weird out an entire like two-hour long drive it was good and it was just the original polka stuff It wasn't even the parodies Hey, it was the deep polka cut. Hey, we listened to Polka Hamilton all the way to yeah, that was that was meanest. I can hardly stand normal Hamilton My hot take is Hamilton is good.
I actually liked it Felicia has fellatio. Oh, I don't know what that means, but I like it. I like Christian rap That's my love look Ray, I love La Croix Guys Ray La Croix are both an acquired taste Yeah, it's it's fair Who's Neil Cicierga that name seems familiar If it turns out that guy's a racist, and I just said Listen to Nick Fuentes, I guess I guess he makes good music. I don't know Dude I'm stoked about being a droid It's creepy Roger Roger, how is how is poisonous plants hurting me?
That should be my one specialty is not getting poisoned as a robot My one thing Yeah, did anyone watch succession anybody see the Don't don't spoil it don't spoil it guys don't It just Streisand does someone's gonna throw it. Can I be the fourth member of WWG? Yes, you can You all are It's true you can just be in our sketches you just find out where we live and then fall into the shop if you give us Kiss the succession finale is great. I do you guys kind of obsessed with success.
I know comment your favorite primetime television shows I'm sure I'm curious what what you guys are watching. I'm gonna say right now the best show I've seen the past like three years severance I think Barry is overrated Whoa, can't say that man.
He's a comedian. We don't roast comedians. We do what we're doing.
Okay Take it back. Take it back.
I think white lotus is trash. I've never seen white lotus I heard it's just succession with sex sex session No, you guys I do not like sex Get that shit out of there scared I Like Barry Barry's good Mitchell's really I think Barry's great Dexter the wire Breaking Bad Dexter.
I heard they're making more Dexter Which I love Barry is amazing guys comment your favorite Barry Raz fruit berry a berry dingle dingle berry All Right guys, we're gonna need more sketch ideas in a second here It's really locking me down to a 10-foot square radius Bullshit. Oh shit. I don't want to stand here Guys better call Saul's not a sketch idea. We need sketch ideas. We're fully out of ideas. That's why we're doing this screen I haven't watched better call Saul either. We're gonna cut this into a sketch later.
So just make it funny Just make it funny guys Just make it funny something we can animate do like a little care a video about my strange addictions Didn't we have a video idea like that? You just have a strange addiction To celebrate Make a sandy chin We had an idea for a third city where it's actually like a legitimate horror movie someone commented angry birds of 9-eleven We're gonna have to put a pin in that Oh, man Put together those are correlated commented. Okay, that was messed up I'm Irish. Thank you for apologizing My addiction to magical tickets. It's a great idea. Maybe porno goes off the deep end make a channel for each character. That's actually might have a collab between Captain Bible and Let's see here Spaghett about it Just kind of a quote from our video We'll make it a sketch if you want a video where the towers flying to the plains guys Let's cool it on the tragedies national tragedies we're thinking more global tragedies we take it bigger Or anything like genocide Captain Bible back on drugs. That's a great idea After Bible was always on fruit salad a fruit salad rancher, but you don't realize Into the skit I sit under the fruit why I say that the hidden bird question mark Still no sketch anymore for tragedy. I'm pretty sure William is also on drugs the guy who played Bible So it's honestly not that far-fetched climate change sketch we can do that we can do that robot depression we did do Dirt man origin story We may have bit off so much more than we could chew it there man a Piss melon sketch.
All right, we're fine. We're doing the piss melon sketch enough. We're doing it.
Oh shit Are you a Jedi right now? No, I'm a I'm a robot dude. Somebody with a blue lightsaber is coming and I'm scared Is there like a minigame when your gun overheats I just realized that someone wrote play as Grievous Mitch, can we make that happen? Have a rat make you commit war crimes like ratatouille with crimes.
That's great. That's actually a great idea SNL already did such a like a good idea ratatouille skin. I don't remember if it was funny But that was like a like a baby channel on YouTube I love that baby. It's melon Pretty sure I heard that like a do thousands comedy sketch.
I got nut shot. Oh Guys let's play f-marry kill. Let's start with us three f-marry killed Michael Frank or mission Michael Michael and a half Michael no pants on So far someone commented just Mitch In what order oh, he wants to F you marry you and kill you Mitch.
Is that okay? Okay In what order? Mitch again Mitch for all three. Everyone's just kind of unilaterally. Okay. I got stuck in a crater Mary Mary Mary, that's so sweet Write it to me except Remy is aware rat That's a good idea actually oh I could be a droideka. Hell yeah Everyone's just commenting Mitch for the f-marry kill. Yeah, man. You're just on the list You should be more fixed science sketches, oh awesome.
Yeah, that one's very Tim and Eric inspired Yeah, man, they keep down to make students looks like As Mitchell's address is Albuquerque, New Mexico a A Sequel to the bird murderer where he's on trial, but it's bizarro plan at the age style where everyone turns out Do you guys like I think you should leave We're fans. We're fans fans. Yeah, we're very clearly fans.
Have you seen any of our sketches? I Guys comment your favorite. I think you should leave sketch We're coming your favorite leave Please please favorite leave me through my pine Spiky, it's Christmas Christmas Lee Dad see if you can get Gordon Ramsay to cook with Hillary kitchen.
That's doable We can easily get Gordon is a cheap Yeah, that guy's begging for money We're not very good I was fighting for my life He's just like Fortnite, oh we just got a $10 patron Oh Hunter three hunter. Whoa, don't dachshund man. Well hunter three million If you wish to support us you can check out our patreon in the link below you have to check out our Instagram our Twitter our Facebook our reddit Check out our mojang account. You check out our Google Plus account. You check out our AOL hotmail chat Check out fly planes. Yeah Check out our truth social No, is that Canon that Maggies has a truth so Makes sense. Oh But Vincenzo's a patreon sub Thank You Vincenzo. It's very kind of you to support us in that way You guys are what makes us be able to financially make the videos. They cost so much money. It's unbelievable What's your aim username? Guys you I don't even want to say how much that Bible man armor cost $25 What's our time zone it's Oh Wow, someone comes in our address, what's our time zone where we're live in Florida on the East East East zone East Square he said How did you find out about the hit series Bible man Perhaps two of us grew up watching that. Yeah, we very much So we're but I saw a lot of comments for people saying they were forced to watch it I say I got to watch it. Yeah, we were blessed The Bible man costume which means $36 Says cock is gonna find this please don't find us cock I beg of you You guys are literally the funniest youtubers.
I've ever seen. It's crazy. Thank you. Jace Have you checked out any other users? Are you new to YouTube? Oh my god, that's so mean he just got on I know such a nice compliment Oh shoot this looks real is this real oh shit, I'm dead. I'm getting flashbacks to the transfer on I Think might be my new favorite sketch Tyler Oh my gosh, I wish I could lock my fucking y-axis or whatever the hell I'm literally like may not be the move. I'm twisted seven ways to Tuesday right now Funniest and only youtubers have ever seen. Thank you.
Don't watch any other ones Sending an unmarked package to our location. Oh, that's so nice A lot easier on the Xbox Thank you for making great comedy slow down, thank you for making great comedy vids I share everyone with my enemy Wait, who the best? We're gonna keep making them as long as you keep watching them wait Just you though We're gonna start accounting We're gonna join the workforce Can you slow down how you hoping you can't slow it down literally, I'm going too fast to see anything Take a breather thoughts on YouTube Just spawned in the line of fire expression my thoughts on YouTube are the same as McDonald's we're all gonna start suddenly going Well, they might have better fries at Maybe Definitely not If I do the $100 to do I really get a sign nope from y'all yes We will literally write you a letter if you do the $100 patreon chase just snail mail guys It's not that we highly recommend you don't do the hundred dollar picture. That's really only a prayer for psychos Psychos were very extraordinarily kind in a psychos or Jeff Bezos really those are the only two who should be allowed to We will be internally great internally great eat deep within our buttons we will be very grateful His Ruby Ranch Bible man, oh, that's a good question That's actually really funny. Who knows who's to say?
If I do the hundred dollar tear just Frank come to my house with a bat. Yes. I will he sure does Wrangle a bat in a cage. Yeah, we'll make him bite you fruit bat fruit bat I want to shoot There's coming your favorite letter you have favorite letter go ahead and comment that right now making a doing a poll So yeah, I'm pretty much like I don't think you should use the arrow keys, I guess when they roll you Yeah, so we come into the euro sign is her favorite letter. I don't think that counts The euros he is a solid letter and it's also a solid liquid Oh Hey, it is when it comes out of me It hurts it is bone solid Someone come into the ampersand Devon To the generators we need them to keep the late good to see you man He's tied patterns do trouble here Solid snake We're finished makes the business It's a common idea Oh Guys have a question for you if you're banking or F is lock on I would unlock in the crash Oh, you can lock on with F. I Think it did something like that What's the worst game you've ever played to the end like?
I think you can answer that Civilization Have you seen the Clone Wars series? Yeah, it's great. I haven't watched any of the any of the bad bad stuff I kind of just I'm happy that Star Wars is what it was in my past Let it go I for one like the new Star Wars. I love how I'm per Palpatine is fine Oh favorite Star Wars movie Mike Mike is the Star Wars expert here Mike. What's your favorite Star Wars movie I? Guess like the answer everyone gives like Empire Strikes Back Mike's cool.
Tell them about the Instagram fight you got with somebody oh Yeah, one night. I got drunk and I started talking about how they put your loose character in Really went like 10 comments. I've never ever seen like so furious and so roachously typing on the What what is your opinion? How did they ruin his character? It's been set up for Jillian times thing.
I mean, I don't know why Like he never met his dad who is essentially space Hitler and he spared his life But he grew up raising his nephews like because he might do something bad. He was gonna. Maybe kill them He thought about it.
He was like he was like his characters Just so unrelentingly like optimistic, and then they just made him give up Not help anyone I'll take Guys, so we have any horror fans in the audience You know I just now started getting into horror if you don't like commenting your favorite recommendation for stuff. That's not too scary I get scared once to say I just saw the new That Evil Dead movie. I love it. He's a great Please don't my hair is good in all I'm really bad at flying We got Evil Dead 2 trick-or-treat Evil Dead 2 dead by dawn. Yeah, we just watched that a year or so ago, it's great Army of Darkness was like so up our alley critters is critters Is that a movie? Prey and barbarian are great. I wanted to see prey, but just because it was released on HBO I thought it was gonna be bad event horizon event horizons great scare never seen it mean girls. That's a good one Oh, do I?
Guys we're working on creating merch We're curious what your Oh aliens a good one, too We're curious, so what you guys would want to see on our merch if you're interested Like any quotable moments you want to see in the t-shirt or if anyone has any creative ideas We're all ears So far all we have is a white t-shirt spray-painted the words wwg oh You saw that a meat canyon video to where he talked about how event horizon is like Warhammer I Want a burrito, but I mean we have that we have like the 3d file for it. Maybe we'll print them They're literally just Public so not a crop top. This is kill me. I guess you think about a diaper that says helmet a Burrito zipper that's a good idea a brown Jedi shirt I was thinking just a t-shirt, but with one brown lightsaber that stink lines coming off of it. That's it That's such an ugly design Sandy shirt Preacher shirt was it oh these are all good. Thank you guys Instead of hiring a marketing team why not ask the consumer directly what they want Yeah, steal their ideas for free free.
No no we have to pay them. We legally have to pay the rules Just send us your credit card number.
We'll definitely send this your credit card number send us your bank writing chat And we can send you at least And we'll send you a euro Just so you can see the symbol or a gyro a hero a sandwich A gyro you're a euro in the euro Magis is gone So just a gun as a murder Someone put Sancha do you know that's wrong? Oh, yeah, the Santa video. That's amazing I'm actually still very proud the writing on that one was beyond where we were at that point Yeah, thank you guys for commenting supporting that video Euro gyro same difference a wwg robe would be sick. Let's go and Pete's apotamus t-shirt kind of like a moist Did what he has really a pizza problems t-shirt that might be doable yeah? We're thinking about maybe doing that, but we're probably gonna do stuff. That's more like widely known first The changes in safety with a plus thank you mention I Like a wizard hat with two guns and hide it all across Really these are all good You can make a shirt crazy shirt, this is shirt on the front and the back Didn't I do I do I do crazy shirt For one a shirt with hair Is that in a mirror quote yeah, I mean no it's just similar that's genius. That's how we write our sketches just We just pretend. We're a mirror I would wear a shirt The v-neck, but the B is in the back A picture of Joker saying godspeed spider-man. Oh, that's a great one a Bible really Dude the Joker saying godspeed spider-man is actually so funny. That's really good Wizards of guns thong The conversion rate Yeah, we can't guys we can't have guns be similar to Kohl's cash Tank You need to get in the squad together.
Oh, have you just been playing on your own? You guys in a spot with each other. I see bitches bitches of potatoes. I think it shows you your friends Yeah, it's a little triangle sign. I see you man.
You're about that tank This tank is dry it just backed up into me I got hurt Can the Mexico brothers advertise the Merc's that's a great idea for commercial Yeah, we'll probably do some kind of shilly sketch just rip off more successful youtubers works I'm sorry, there are no other youtubers who are more successful than you I've heard of a single funny person, but us maybe markiplier, but That's the only one remember wouldn't like just half the people that were big on YouTube would just make skits too. Yeah, that's crazy I Gonna say I used to get mad at people who call sketches skits Like we get so mad. I was like I felt like it was so patronizing like What about a stitch It's a good idea skits is great. Oh, dude a lobster eating a sandwich is a good idea for sure I was thinking like an airbrush memorial shirt, you know people get like, you know, like Cell sandy the creature sandy a fossil. Yeah, we're actually gonna make a Mexico brothers shirt that says I have a bomb So you can wear it the airport Any public transit really quinceanera Quinceanera Brisk it's a regular birthday party Fossilsauce came about whenever we first took a sip of thing energy. This has to be gasoline. They were like, that's a sketch We should autograph that's a great idea it's so funny but it's good I couldn't write small enough. I just got the letter out Oh So funny sandy umbrellas is great the dream Bye-bye-bye before it's bye-bye-bye That that's Mexico brothers, right? Yeah Next year brothers only sell bad ideas though So is that like an ill omen if we use them to market our merch guys?
All we have is just a bunch of plain white keys that Michael farted into. Yeah We're starting at 855 and then we can only go up from there. I'm sorry Yeah, it depends on how big I farted into it, right how big how big of a fart I done did Mitchell's currently playing right now. It's Been Mitchell's really the only gamer in the group.
Do you see us much? Lightsaber and they all start to scatter You gotta find Michael So what's with the rocket surgery sketch is the worst one you guys have done that's fair it's hilarious most I forgot that would exist. It's mostly screaming but we had a fun time making it Yeah, that's kind of like an unintentional parody of what our sketches were like back then where it's just endless escalation and screaming who arrests her You got a rust player in the chat to love rust I'm terrible at rust. I love it Like the game nothing not the oxidized Yeah, it's just hard to get down something yeah At least may Jesus step block Yeah, we'll never lose that light What's it sound like okay deal Just send us a sign penny I haven't even seen a bad guy. So what made fun of me for saying ox eyes metal I'm sure it's kind of like a bitch. I'm sorry that I was born with a brain of a genius With the Einstein With the brain of an Einstein sorry born with Oppenheimer Ambitions They said my IQ was so low I could win any golf game Slice sell like Hillary kitchen sign chef hat.
Oh, that's great God Emperor mages recruitment poster. Oh, that's a good idea.
No bird is here. What's up bird?
Do a flip Mitchell you have to you have to it's the rules I've opened a bird everywhere, man. I love room. I was watching now the nation's TV video and I saw Shit Do we uh Mitchell and I just went and saw tenacious key live who's fucking amazing? Rub it in white. Oh shit. Yeah, Frank couldn't come He was in bed with the sports And the shit I Think like I think Jack Black is like my Robin Williams Oh Bobert Billiams I Just gonna say didn't he play mrs.
Brown flame Guys just ask him questions. Just do a Q&A for him.
Not us. He's a much more popular Forget our shit. Hey guys, wwg a quick Q&A leader here Yeah, guys follow follow birds example ask me any question about them Keep in mind we approve of everything bird says in this chat Don't know what I'm doing myself pickle Oh bird says very sketch was the funny lobster cook-off video with Hillary I Filmed that by accident Need to post that Yeah, I did not need to kill that lobster Bird you should unsubscribe from wwg and subscribe to you instead Someone wrote bread do you like my bread which one of us is secretly racist? You have to wait Wait the bigger Fun facts, there isn't even a hundred people here Well, the guy with almost two million is in the chat and it's both hilarious and a criminal. It's true He's committed several a crime who There's somebody in our comments who thinks that Ben Franklin family Have is like a dog whistle for some kind of conspiracy and they comment just big Ben Franklin and all caps on every video I hope they're in here cuz it's really funny to me Yeah, that's we got that because we wanted to make the living room and this house look like the White House It's like I don't know big pain event, right?
For a sketch by the way, we're not huge fans of the white such a lack Yeah, we that was just our interior decoration motivation. We had a mood board on Pinterest. It was just the white Oh There's such a lack of interior decor than things like that weird props just stay up You guys want to go for like 15 more minutes I was gonna say we could do one more game after this one, but then we have to sign these games are pretty long Oh, maybe this is this the last game And we pull the plug Oh, yeah, he was using charger Yeah, you're on like seven percent kept telling me how good his magic bullet was and he's like I swear it's great Your phone was at 40% and you pulled his life support plug to charge It's actually I Thought I was I thought I thought I could make a smoothie on my magic bullet just quick enough for him to still be alive When I plugged it back in it shouldn't be that easy to kill an old person pulling a plug Yeah, they should be like a little bug garden Little locker some kind of little critter. He goes it's a little gremlin that Locks the plug for your grandpa Please he just needs to go.
He's in a lot of pain What Has two legs in the morning What three eggs in the evening, which is that? What is a chest like an egg?
Oh, you know, I ruined it, you know You know, I start over pretend I didn't say that grandpa. You're just going to stick around You're just gonna have to try to breathe I guess Please Everyone's like do the we do a gremlin sketch of plug gremlin. It's pretty funny. That is such a like a Specific idea though. It'll take half the sketches to explain it We keep telling them in the sketch to go watch this live stream Italy so much funnier You guys had to be there. You had to be oh my god Oh Dude, I can be a tank. Oh, yeah All I do is I run up and I see somebody and then they shoot me and then I just respond I run back rinse and repeat Guy with one HP just killed me Guys everyone was talking about a bird collab earlier us and bird. Well, this is the collab. This is it Yeah bird will write the script and Billy animated bird wrote the script for this live stream actually Yeah, that's the collab and then we're gonna animate it later for him Okay, okay, yeah, we haven't talked about the Grinch video guys Dr. Seuss fuck this guy's Enterprises meant us over and with a spatula, you know, what we did was more than fair use. Yeah, we're bone So we're working on Getting it re-uploaded with music that is just slightly one degree of separation away from the original instrumental So that's not true entirely separate. Michael was joking for legal purposes, right? Right? It is entirely Or is all The state is listening, it'll be so freakin different it is different. It's a hundred percent And they said we will sue you on a boat All right It's really funny because whenever we like Sent a request letter to the third party that like content ID that video.
They said great. We'll pass it along to dr. Seuss That's probably what they call their client, but they just said dr. Seuss like they're gonna email him in the grave They know that much about him Yeah, that video was doing great numbers for us.
It was our big break And the cat in the head stomped it out. Yeah the cat The fucking Lorax chopped it down like a truffle. Oh tree Yeah, is there anything in Miami pentameter apparently they own that more than Shakespeare Some cock commented bird.
What war crimes should I do? You gotta answer you think chemical warfare maybe someone counted dr. Seuss's Oh, sorry the ones to break that to you Whoa Hey allegedly allegedly allegedly a little bit, dude.
We do not need another lawsuit from dr. Honestly, I kind of want to see what their lawyer looks like. No Dr. Seuss's lawyer has a big hat. He rides a bike We do one big wheel with a bunch of horns sticking out a twisty mustache. Yeah, his mustache is bigger than he is Yeah Yeah, that's gonna be our defense on the stand I do not like that dr.
Seuss I do not like his stupid boobs Horton heard a domestic district tried to ignore it Need another Randy We don't condone everything no care guys Okay, we're not gonna put our stamp on everything he does but he's a funny guy he was really sweet to us He's amazing. He's such a kind guy and up mammoth in space as well both of them are such genuinely hilarious creators I'll stay all the way here just to meet us. They were like, I'll say cool. I'll stand by that. They're genuinely hilarious I Thought I thought no carrots collab with sad world was a match made Just a perfect amount of grunge.
I Was removed from the game You just run around I was just googling dr. Seuss quotes Try to come up with a funny joke. They make it seem like it was a natural sort of thing a Cock come into chemical warfare it is For his war crime. Come on cock do better cock. Yeah, you can experiment on civilians All topics go to the chat bot on discord will not tell you how to do these things but I will All topics good idea squid games, but you don't know how to place good game I think it's so funny looking back I'm like that like one week where everyone was like, can you hear that show called sweet game?
What is Mitchell Sox brand I believe it stands Mitchell Mitchell wears some pretty iconic socks, that's what he's known for The B sketch was hilarious as well. Thank you so much salt storm Like a lot of our older stuff and we really appreciate I will never take full credit for a video But I will say the B sketch I wrote entirely in the midst of like a fever he was dying That's the one sketch where we didn't like properly collaborate He just he just showed up sweating covered in oil and said guys I wrote this B and then he passed out with a stinger on this board No, it was Frank's idea to do the grilled cheese. Actually, that's not true. It was like the classical music That's one of our best intros to a video. Oh, yeah, miss. Do you remember that? Flipping a grilled cheese. So it's so cinematic for what shoe size are you Frank? Whatever the best one is trying to figure out how big your wiener is, dude 13 small Drake's jobs at the big and tall toddler section You're crying I look up and you have mascara streaks Billionaire sketch was my favorites.
Thank you. Thank you His name is Frank You're you're typing that go. I'm not betting when you're just complimenting yourself size 40 shoes. I swear to god Honestly, though, you guys are the coolest funniest sketch makers. Thank you so much.
But have you heard of please don't destroy or On SNL, they don't need or almost Friday almost Friday What's another sketch group Zu club This is not a gaming channel We're working on videos right now, but we figured in the meantime we didn't let you know we exist Yeah guys new sketch coming up this weekend Ring that bell Subscribe to that Probably mention Oh, yeah, I'm sure you guys have noticed we've been posting shorts more frequently So as far as we're aware, you shouldn't be getting like primary direct notifications on this So hopefully doesn't seem too spammy, but that's just like the best way for us to reach new people right now We're trying guys We exist thank you very acknowledging our existence We should make them a wrestling sketch series Keep spamming us or I'm something that is the opposite of the comments we've been giving But thank you. Yeah, we've drawn in a lot of people read it So some people there just don't like shorter form stuff, which I don't blame them I don't really love shorts and nothing either, but I love it. YouTube loves it. YouTube really loves that shit And we love YouTube and gobble it up like I love I love you Susan Susan's not even the CEO anymore, man. I love you Susan.
I quit.
I still love Susan Bibleman versus Magus, that would be a showdown When's the next Captain Bible tomorrow probably tomorrow we're gonna write it now. I never use reddit Not after I believe I love I believe the best news ever for future major projects if we ever happen to do them Is that looking Morty's probably going down? We can basically just have them be Rick finally. Yeah, like these people guys. I don't know if you know this Maybe this is just magical Rick Sanchez Started a wrestling skit show where you take suggestions from the comments We did that on a live stream with our patrons actually we came up with the wrestlers get with our page Oh, that is true. Yeah, I went back and listened to the stream to write down some of the jokes That's not a bad idea bird It's a horrible idea It's offensive even She Ethan That's a whole sketch even Great minds think alike because we are geniuses. What's a genius?
I don't know that is whatever Please use proper grammar in our chat And no cussing I have a genuine question why is Mitchell and less videos than Frank and Michael He's as long you want to answer that. He's as Yourself seem like we're holding you hostage. I'll speak for Mitchell here Mitchell let please let me just let me cook stinks Why do you not why aren't you in front of the camera? Don't forget the collars on and I have the remote And I have the little toothpick that stabs your balls if you talk to you I have a little cocktail sword Or actually actively not a name talk, please Mitchell. Tell them why you're not in front of the camera Guys Mitchell's the film guy.
He's the camera. He's the cinematographer. He's the lead director. He's the He's the lens. He's the Lights he's the camera.
He's the actual you'd understand how heavily his influence is felt in our work But he'll threaten this so far. We can only get him in front of the camera as many times as he has been Hey, don't worry guys, we're putting out our parts of the skittles putting out our Mitchell only series only on goobies gumbo Oh Mitch does all the puppetry Well, you don't know if Frank's sort of like it like a Chinese New Year dragon, you know those phrase Make a channel just toward the fight and the head and the shaft And Why didn't just like a concussive force admit from general Grievous? I don't remember him doing that the movie who's general geebus He's the Steven Spielberg of wwg and Frank and Michael are the Ian Malcolm and Sheriff Ian Malcolm's from That's a Jeff Goldblum's character. Oh I'm in Sheriff Brody. I'm pretty sure that's the guy from job in Jurassic World Sheriff Brody.
Yes, the guys who does Burn handshake. No, my handshakes are limp.
My head Who's general Jesus Coolest club Look at this like the beat animation my guys being like Oh My god, this is all right, dude, they'll be so funny if they show them just Alright guys, that was the last game or is it not? We didn't see the Mario movie and we never will but tell us how it is Send us an email. I love donkey dong. He's great Browser he's funny next stream. We do monthly patreon scenes where we do our best to be monthly patreon scenes, but I Don't know. We'll probably try to come back again sometime this year but we try to keep these few and far between that people remember where a sketch channel guys, uh Our patreon streams. We usually watch the Mario movie on live live stream.
That's true you guys Thanks so much for joining us. We really appreciate all your support Even if it's just watching our stuff and and commenting and whatever. It's it's super helpful And and we're just so thankful that we have such a hilarious audience and then Mitchell's kind of mouthing me too at me. So Mitchell also agrees.
He's kind of nodding. Oh wait, he's disagreeing He's frowning. He's giving me a thumbs down. He's holding up the middle finger and he's pointing at the chat That's not oh, that's not nice. It's not right.
Thank you guys for watching. Thank you so much Go subscribe to bird if you haven't already. Yeah, guys, please subscribe to bird.
He could really use some subscribers Turn on super chat so I can guilt you to reading my messages We're just gonna read them out loud anyway, but he wants it to be transactional There we have a patreon for that Tell me a bedtime story. All right, one one spot a time. We ended a stream. Good night. Good night guys Thank you so much with the wrestlers get with our page. Oh, that is true Yeah, I went back and listened to the stream to write down some of the jokes to the lines.
Yeah, that's awesome That's not a bad idea bird It's a horrible idea it's offensive even She ever thought my desert till I screwed Ethan you have to tweet that that's definitely a tweet It's a whole sketch even Great minds think alike because we are geniuses. What's a genius? I don't know what that is. Whatever Please use proper grammar in our chat And no cussing I have a genuine question.
Why is Mitchell and less videos than Frank and Michael? He's as long you want to answer that. He's as love Yourself seem like we're holding you hostage. No, no, I'll speak for Mitchell here Mitchell, please let me just let Mitchell cook stinks Oh Why do you not why aren't you in front of the camera? Don't forget the collars on and I have the remote And I have the little toothpick that stabs your balls if you talk to you. I have a little cocktail sword Or actually actively nominated talk, please Mitchell. Tell them why you're not in front of the camera Because I'm behind it Guys Mitchell's the film guy.
He's the camera. He's the cinematographer. He's the lead director. He's the He's the lens he's the Lights, he's the camera.
He's the actual you'd understand how heavily his influence has felt in our work But he'll threaten us so far. We can only get him in front of the camera as many times as he has been Don't worry guys we're Some of the skittles putting out our Mitchell only series only on gooby-dumbo Mitch does all the puppetry Well, you don't know if Frank's sort of like it like a Chinese New Year dragon, you know those phrase Make a channel chest or the fight and the head and the shaft and Why did just like a concussive force emit from general Grievous? I don't remember him doing that the movie whose general geebus He's the Steven Spielberg of wwg and Frank and Michael are the Ian Malcolm and Sheriff Malcolm's from That's a Jeff Goldblum's character. Oh I'm in Sheriff Brody. I'm pretty sure that's the guy from job in Jurassic World Sheriff Brody.
Yes the guys Burn handshake no, my handshakes are limp. My handshakes are left.
They are notes. They are song Who's general Jesus Coolest clone Look at this like the beat animation my guys being like Yes time the desk windows. Don't shut yet.
Oh my god. This is Dora. Dude. That was so funny.
They show them just Alright guys, that was the last game or is it not We didn't see the Mario movie and we never will but tell us how it is Send us an email. I love donkey dong. He's great Browser he's funny next stream. We do monthly patreon scenes where we do our best to be monthly patreon scenes, but I Don't know. We'll probably try to come back again sometime this year but we try to keep these few and far between guys people remember where a sketch channel guys, uh Our patreon streams we usually watch the Mario movie on live live stream. That's true you guys Thanks so much for joining us We really appreciate all your support even if it's just watching our stuff and and commenting and whatever it's it's super helpful And and we're just so thankful that we have such a hilarious audience and then Mitchell's kind of mouthing me too at me.
So Mitchell also agrees. He's kind of nodding. Oh wait, he's disagreeing He's frowning. He's giving me a thumbs down. He's holding up the middle finger and he's pointing at the chat That's not oh, that's not nice it's not all right.
Thank you guys for watching. Thank you so much Go subscribe to bird if you haven't already. Yeah guys, please subscribe to bird. He could really use some subscribers Turn on super chat so I can guilt you to reading my messages We're just gonna read them out loud anyway, but he wants it to be transactional There we have a patreon for that Tell me a bedtime. Sorry. All right one one spot a time. We ended a stream Good night guys. Thank you so much |
TheOnion | Attractive_Girls_Union_Refuses_To_Talk_With_Mike_Greenman | In just a moment, we'll be hearing a statement from the Attractive Girls Union, which is still refusing to enter talks with Mike Greenman. For months now, the Attractive Girls Union has declined to negotiate with Mr. Greenman or even smile back at him when he smiles at them in a bar. Let's go live to that press conference now. Girls Union has resolved to continue ignoring Mike Greenman and will remain firm on that stance until such a time as Mike starts dressing better or at least gets rid of that goatee. Although it is clear Mike is very eager to come to the bargaining table with us, at this juncture we cannot negotiate with an individual who stares at us for half an hour before coming over to tell us he likes our shoes and then stares there awkwardly.
I will now take your questions. How do you respond to the new pants Mike Greenman is wearing today? We have not noticed them. Next question. Joining us now for analysis is arbitration expert Nick Goldener. Hello, Brandon.
Bad news here for Mr. Greenman today. Yeah, but it's a real disappointment.
Mike has tried to initiate talks with the Attractive Girls Union hundreds of times at bookstores, bars, the grocery store, parties, on the street, at concerts and elevators, once in a dentist's office, which is very awkward. But in most cases like this he would have at least gotten a fake phone number by now. But clearly these Attractive Girls are playing hardball here.
So they're not giving him anything it seems. They're not.
Well there were reports last week Mr. Greenman was able to procure a brief parlay with one union member at a Starbucks. What was the result of that? Mr. Greenman inquired if anyone was sharing her table, and the official, whose source to say was, quote, hot enough to be a model, responded that she was pretty sure someone was sitting there. She then went back to reading her book, effectively shutting the door on negotiations. So at least there's some dialogue there. Could you talk us through the deal that Mr. Greenman is offering the Attractive Girls Union at this point?
Well he's begun doing five to six push-ups per night and has announced plans to start jogging soon.
That's in addition to what he's offered since the beginning of this standoff, namely being up for anything and a nice guy, unlike most of the douchebags the Attractive Girls Union repeatedly renews their contracts with. But the union still refuses to budge. That's right. If he were dealing with the slightly overweight frizzy-haired girls union, or the insecure ugg-boots-over-jean girls union, it would be enough. But the Attractive Girls Union is very powerful, and they know they don't have to couple us here. Excuse me, Nick. The Attractive Girls Union has just been asked to cite the specifics of what they're demanding of Mike Greenman before they'll talk with him.
Let's go to that now. But not pretentious. Additionally, he must guarantee conversation topics outside of video games, his job at Barnes & Noble, and the New York Giants, which is the full extent of what he currently offers. And he must also commit to a censure on laughing at his own jokes. A hard bargain there. Mr. Goldener, what's your take?
At this point, these demands are going to be impossible for Mike to meet. He has zero chance with the Attractive Girls Union barring some unforeseen influx of money or if he joins a band. Do you have any idea how long this standoff could last? Well, it's been going on for Mike's entire life at this point, so there's really no reason to think it would change.
He fucks up everything. Why does he even try anymore?
Well, we'll all be watching to see what happens.
I have a two-part question. Yes. When you saw Mr. Greenman in the bar last week, and you smiled, and then when he waved, you laughed. Were those both at him? I'm sorry? Were you looking at him when you smiled?
I don't remember. Or were you smiling at someone else and laughed because he thought you were smiling at him when you waved? I really don't remember. Okay, second part. Why would you smile at him once and then not even react the next time you waved? Okay, I don't know what the incident is that you're referring to. I don't remember. Any other questions regarding my smile or wave need to be directed towards my office. |
dropout | every_youtube_gamer_ever | Welcome to every YouTube gamer ever, I'm Guy with weird facial hair wearing a Zelda shirt. Unnecessary theme song! Um, no. Who thought this was a good idea? Uh, does anybody else have a headache?
Sonic the Hedgehog was made for the purpose of rivaling Mario in the 1990s. Uh, arrival for Mario? I think that job is taken. Mamma mia!
Remember Battletoads? Am I the only one who thinks these things never work? Why don't you blow me? 2014's Rambo the video game is an unpolished mess that misses the mark on GTA clone. Duck Dynasty, GTA clone in its unpolished polished-ness.
It is swimming watchdogs.
Retro game trivia. Few people realized that Mario was actually called Jumpman in the original Donkey Kong. Despite being called Zelda, the protagonist is actually a boy named Link. Jack is Daxter's friend. Thank you all for watching me read facts I found on the first page of Google search results and thank you for checking out my reviews for games from 20 plus years ago.
If you want to see more videos like this just type in the name of any game into YouTube and you'll find 60 dudes doing the exact same thing. I make money doing this! Hey, I'm Mer from College Humor. If you like that video click here to subscribe and click here to see more sketches. Yeah, they're sketches not skits and I'm a pretentious dickhead. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_ego_nwodim_mikey_day_and_chloe_fineman_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thanks. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, it was shaping up to be a good week for Joe Biden. he got Brittany Griner back. he kept marriage gay.
And he's only got 14 more sleeps until Santa.
But then, just when he thought he had it all under control, Kirsten Sinema said, hold My Wig. Arizona Senator Kirsten Sinema, seen here, realizing that someone is actually waving to the person behind her, announced that she's leaving the Democratic Party and is registering as an independent. Explained Sinema, pay attention to me.
Wnba star Brittany Griner was freed from prison in exchange for Russian arms dealer Victor Butte. it's actually a great trade because Butte was only averaging five points and two rebounds a game. Raphael Wardknot defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia's Senate runoff race. you know, but I don't think this is the last you'll hear from Herschel Walker. I mean, unless he's your biological father. with Raphael Wardknot's win, Democrats in the senate will no longer have to rely on Vice President Harris for tie-breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority, waiting for a worse bike accident. the Supreme Court heard a case this week over whether a conservative evangelical woman can refuse to design a website for a same-sex marriage. But Honey, I don't know any gay couple who's going to hire a designer with those highlights. Honey.
I'm sorry. I apologize.
During oral arguments in the case, Justice Samuel Alito raised the hypothetical. could a black department store Santa be forced to take a picture with a child dressed in a klan robe? Alito added that he'd love an answer before he takes his grandkids to the mall next week.
Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.
And as you guys saw today, Morocco beat Portugal in the quarterfinals of the World Cup. it is, uh, yeah, it's the best World Cup performance by a team of Africans since the unpaid workers who built the stadiums. I didn't do it! Portugal's head coach decided not to start soccer legend Cristiano Ronaldo in today's loss. even more insulting, at halftime, he tried to trade Ronaldo for Brittany Griner. But the biggest upset so far in the World Cup was that favorite Brazil was eliminated. except for a tiny strip down the middle.
Nike has officially. Nike has officially cut ties with Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving over his anti-semitism scandal.
Kyrie says he's so depressed, he might jump off the edge of the world. Today, today was the Santacon Bar Crawl in New York City. yeah, the annual reminder that while Santa may exist, God doesn't.
Well, folks, the holiday season is officially upon us And here with some tips on how to get your holiday shopping done quickly is the most chaotic holiday shopper ever, Mary Ann Louise Fisher. Three minutes to do this, I still got seven stores to hit on this block. Wow, so you've been pretty busy, huh? Oh, yeah, I have, Michael. See, I'm one of 27 children, so I got a lot of shopping to do. and I need to do it fast, and I need to do it crazy.
You ever seen the aisles at Ross Dress for Less? Yeah, that place is a wreck. I mean, most of the merchandise is on the ground.
Yeah, that's me, Michael. that's all me. every single Ross, that's me. So you're single-handedly trashing all the Rosses. you ever tripped over a pair of billabong board shorts stuck to a Winnie-de-pooh children's teapot? That was me, Michael. But why mess everything up? Power, Michael.
I need to leave my mark. And sometimes, to find that one perfect shirt, you have to unfold 40 and dump them all on the floor. All right, well, you're here to give us some holiday shopping tips, right? that's correct. tip number one,: get you one at ease. Did you know anyone can buy a neck brace? you don't even have to go to a doctor. these things make people stay out of your way. they think you're wounded, but only you know your neck is strong as hell.
Now, Michael, guess how much all these Santa plates were? wait, what? three dollars. Okay, all right. Now, guess how much this shirt was? I don't know, maybe. three dollars, Okay. you want me to show you how I got it? Sure. okay, so hold this. okay. and pretend you're a customer looking at it. Well, ain't this a lovely blouse? Give me that damn shirt. that was in my basket. All right, well, that was in Jesse, Okay.
I see how that works for you, But, like, do you have any other tips? Tip number two,: if your blood sugar drops, J.c. Penney got nuggets. What? J.c. Penney got chicken nuggets. all you got to do is get yourself stuck on that escalator, make a fuss, and the manager will find you some nuggets, Okay?
Are you all right? No, Michael, the hell are you talking about?
I know too much, I've seen too much. it's a war zone out there, and I just got done doing three tours in Nordstrom, Iraq. Nordstrom, Iraq is just a department store. it's not that serious.
Okay, you have no idea, Michael. I'm the one out here on these front lines. Now, my third and final tip, and I shouldn't have to say this, but if you can, be black. Because if you're white acting like this, someone will take a video, and you will lose your job, Okay? You see, Michael, there's no such thing as a Black Karen. See, I could slap the hell out of you right now, and nobody would say a word. my job is safe. what do you even do for work? I sue the city. the city has a lot of money and a bunch of uneven sidewalks, baby, okay?
Mary Ann, Louise Fisher, everybody. I got you some Jessica Simpson. Chris Christie's niece was arrested on a Spirit Airlines flight to Newark after she accused a Latino family of smuggling cocaine, then injured multiple officers by biting them and kicking them in the groin. she has been sentenced to life in the New Jersey Hall of Fame. a new album from R. Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded, and it was not easy to remove his streams, said the maid who cleaned his couch. On Christmas. the Los Angeles Zoo announced that Evelyn, a 46-year-old girl, famous for her red hair, has been euthanized. not because she was sick, but because it's L.a. and she was in her 40s.
This will get you back. a woman in Texas allegedly dumped three buckets of human waste in front of a police department and drove away. it's a rare case of erratic behavior from a lady who poops in a bucket. Also, I want to point out that, as disturbing as this story is, it's not as disturbing as imagining the woman's drive to the police station with full buckets of feces, because one speed bump turns her car into a Starbucks bathroom.
France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool. Now do deodorant.
A new book aimed at helping married couples rekindle. The spark in the bedroom is showing up on several holiday must-have lists. here are its authors, Kurt and Deb from Wyoming. Hey, guys. so why don't you tell us about how this book came about? Yeah, well, Deb and me have been married for close to 20 years now. uh-huh. mm-hmm. things kind of fizzled out in bed. mm-hmm.
But we discovered my wife's got a talent for doing voices of famous people, so we took that into the bedroom. Oh, okay, so sort of like role-playing? yeah, but with celebrities. for example, we'll show you our technique at work. baby, you want to show them? Drew Barrymore? uh-huh.
Yeah, you're like this. Oh, my God, that feels amazing. You like that, Drew Barrymore? Yes, it's fantastic. yeah? how much? how much you like? so much. Louder, come on. it's literally blowing my mind. Louder, come on. it's so orgasmic. Whoo! yeah. I'm half-master, yeah. yeah, I know. I know. is that not hold his head? I can see. yeah, I know. we're all getting really turned on. yeah, you are. right. horned on.
Yeah. so Drew is a good girl, but she does bad girls, too, like that Russian con artist lady from inventing Anna, you know? Do Anna Delvey for him. come on. Oh, you're nothing, little boy. Yeah. yes, Miss Delvey is a dog. Yeah. yes, Miss Delvey. you're so weak and poor. Yeah, come on. please ruin my credit score. ruined my credit score. There it is, Miss Delvey.
Yeah. all right. damn. thank you. that's great. Yeah. yeah. I'm curious. easy. I'm just curious. how many voices does she do? Man, I think I made love to about 1,000 celebrities at this point. I mean, last night, I was with Miss Meryl Streep. Oh, okay. uh-oh. I thought I'd use a prop. yeah, you can use a prop. Oh. oh, well, you know. Oh, well, that's delicious. Yeah? Oh, well, it's utterly divine. Oh, you're so talented. Oh, wow. it's like music. Yeah. Oh, hey. yeah.
I finished! There it is. Whoo! I got a question. does she do any black ones? no, she does not. But she can do, what's her name? Scarlett Johansson. yeah, you know her? Yes. have you seen, oh, what's that movie? under her skin? I don't think. I think it's under the skin. under the skin. of course you know who it is. look at you correcting me. 24 minutes, 11 seconds. Whoo! Okay. all right. do Scarlett. Hey, I'm married to Colin, but I need a real man. Yeah. yeah, you do. What, you get over here, Black Widow. come on, Black Widow. come on. this spider bites Colin. thanks. I think we're good on that one.
I just want to point out, Kurt, it does seem like Deb kind of does all the work while you just sort of reap the benefits. Okay. yeah. yeah, I'm not as good at voices as Deb, but I can't say, like, one thing as a few cartoon characters. And Deb, bless her heart, she got into it, didn't he? uh-huh. uh-huh.
My Big Mr. Bird. Oh, yeah, you want me to do it? Do Mr. Bird. Excellent. Yeah, bitch.
Now, do Shaggy from Scooby-doo. Oh, you want shaggy? mm-hmm.
Do you deserve it? I deserve it.
Wow. all right. Thank you so much, Deb and Kurt from Wyoming. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | rocket_report_staten_island_ferry_saturday_night_live | And now the Rocket Report. Here they come, hundreds of commuters rushing home after a hard day at work. a common sight in any city, anywhere in the world. Hi, I'm Charles Rocket in New York City, and this is the Staten Island Ferry. What's so unusual about this particular Staten Island Ferry?
Well, we have reason to believe that everyone boarding this ferry has actually spent the entire day in the city of Manhattan having sex. that's right. not any one of them has done any work at all. they've just had one sexual encounter after another. Well, how much sex did you have today, then? well, probably in the missing. Yes, boo-coos of sex. boo-coo. Imagine, a day full of sexual activity, and these people are still printing. still looking.
Are you tired of that? No. no, it's just an everyday thing now. almost. it's not even. it's just. you just do it. So, how'd you guys make out? Look, I know what you've been up to. both of you, it's okay. Well, newcomers may get nervous, but the veterans remain cool. they've adjusted to a life of sex. in the long run, all these people learn to lie about what it is.
They actually do during the day, in the same way that an alcoholic will lie about his drinking habits. These people are willing to make up stories about real jobs that they pretend to have. jobs like accountant, secretary, Auditor. I am an auditor in a bank. an auditor. that involves testing the records and verifying that we have things on hand that we're supposed to have. What is it that you actually do in the city? work as a secretary. What is it that you do during the day?
I repair office equipment. repair office equipment And you? I do the same thing. So you work together? different offices. Yeah, same company.
Thanks. Can't help but wonder where these people get the energy to handle the extraordinary amount of sex they take on each day, day after day. are they tired? you bet. sure. He's had a wonderful time today. but right now he realizes he's going to have to explain his day to his parents. But he can handle it. he's a New Yorker. And he's on his way home after yet another day full of sexual activity in Manhattan. I'm Charles Rocket. until next time. |
cracked | whitehouse_com_the_naughty_non_government_website_of_the_late_90s | Many middle school students fondly remember their first visit to the White House. For some, it was a tween-age glimpse of representative democracy through the window of a greyhound bus.
And for others, like the kids of the late 90s and early 2000s, it was the best way to trick your teacher into broadcasting softcore pornography throughout the computer lab. If you guys are like me, you like surfing the internet to see what's up. Before modems had the bandwidth to rick-roll at high speeds, cyber squatting and typosquatting were among the preferred means of tricking someone into clicking something that they didn't want to see. Early internet settlers gobbled up domains of trademarked brands, like Panavision.com, which tricked Hollywood types seeking info on 35mm film into viewing aerial photos of Pana, Illinois. Sites like PETA.org took things a step further, exposing people for the ethical treatment of animals to images of people eating tasty animals.
The Clinton administration first published WhiteHouse.gov in 1994, and by 1995 the first imitator had staked their fake claim at WhiteHouse.org, a satirical campaign website complete with photos of Bill Clinton negotiating with aliens, as opposed to newts, and short biographies of political opponents branded as losers, jerks, and weenies in a 56k precursor to our modern discourse. There was also WhiteHouse.net, another official-looking knockoff that featured an expansive collection of executive fan mail from visitors who were incensed by pretend proposals to paint the White House green, add the Jolly Roger symbol to the USA flag, or fund the wasteful Bureau of Missing Socks. Even users on Angelfire and Geocities got in on the action, crafting carbon copy political parody sites for anyone savvy enough to casually stumble upon a 66-character URL. Jonesing to get in on the Paula Jones jokes, a man called Dan Parisi got ahold of WhiteHouse.com in May of 1997. The page was originally crafted as another parody and commentary site of the White House and US politics, but traffic wasn't great, and after taking note of the lucrative market for adult websites through what must have been hours of painstaking research, Parisi decided to take things in a slightly different direction. In August of 1997, WhiteHouse.com was reimagined as the web's preeminent destination for typographic pornography.
Leaning into its below-the-beltway identity, the refreshed site featured x-rated imagery. In a praise that belongs in the pledge, the site's masthead proclaimed that, "...our nations, young teens, hot lesbians, and hardcore nymphomaniacs all gather here to serve you and serve their country." To honor that oath, the homepage was peppered with uncensored images of nude women, AOL-friendly erotic stories, and even links to thought-provoking free speech opinion pieces like Microsoft Sucks.
And the timing of the relaunch was just right. Cigar Smoke from President Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky was just starting to billow over the horizon, and the American public needed a trusted resource of x-ex-exclusive models, hot interns, and Hollywood hooters to serve as a guide through this turbulent time. The smut was an overnight success. A year into the new venture, more than 7,000 subscribers were regularly forking over $20 to uncover the latest intern of the month, raking in more than $1 million in annual revenue.
On Friday, the site attracted 80,000 daily visitors, 13 times more people than the White House itself, where at least one guy was actually having sex instead of downloading it. When you get older, I probably didn't go online every day. But not everyone was enamored with tricking civic-minded researchers into visiting the penthouse of Netscape. Almost immediately, AOL started flagging WhiteHouse.com emails as spam, and in December of 97, the White House Counsel's Office sent Mr. Parisi a strongly worded letter in which they objected to the use of images of the White House and First Family to peddle memberships to an adult video club. But the site ultimately fell within Mr. Parisi's First Amendment rights, and a helpful disclaimer stating that, The page wasn't actually associated with the U.S. government, let users know that they could either beat it or get lost. You see, the fundamental problem with the internet is that anyone can use it.
That includes you. I look forward to your comments.
That also includes children, who might not be old enough to understand the intricacies of top-level domain hierarchies while hunting down photos of socks the cat. In 2000, the Seton Hall Constitutional Law Journal laid out a hypothetical tale of a fourth-grade social studies student writing a two-page paper about the U.S. government. Typing in WhiteHouse.com and clicking on First Ladies, the student would go on to encounter revealing photographs of Miss White House, which were completely inappropriate and wholly unacceptable, at least until January 2017. Now this scenario is far from hypothetical. Editors recall story after story of Catholic school teachers inadvertently exposing students to adult content for the first time in their lives, outside of mass. Computer labs were plastered with instructions not to visit WhiteHouse.com, as if spelling boobs on a calculator was an equivalent technological thrill, and speaking as someone who lively got permission in class to visit the site. The joy of briefly embarrassing a dedicated public servant served as a powerful reminder that teachers don't get paid enough for this shit.
See ya in cyberspace. Well into the new millennium, the site chugged along as a cautionary tale from a pre-autocorrect era. But in 2004, Parisi had a change of heart over his typo-squatting endeavor, and decided to clean up his code.
His son was about to enter kindergarten, and he was worried that he'd be teased over the family business. The timing of this White House paint job was also quite convenient.
Then Representative Mike Pence, a man wary of double-clicking a mouse over fears that it's too suggestive, had just sponsored the Truth in Domain Names Act of 2003, which became a law that made it illegal to use deceitful URLs to trick people into viewing obscenity. And considering that Parisi had already spent years cyber-squatting on a whole host of other domains like Madonna.com and WallStreetJournal.com, maybe the man who goes to Mother was right that it's time to take a break from GoDaddy. Mr. Parisi considered selling the site altogether. Not to a terrorist or another porno company, but to an interested party like WhiteHouseFoods.com. But ultimately, like a dad who could never part with his box of old playboys in the basement, he chose to keep the domain. Most people out there in cyberspace are just like you and me.
In 2005, the site shed its adults-only image and embarked on its present journey of showcasing an ever-changing grab bag of dot-com garbage. Over the years, it's highlighted real estate listings, local town hall meetings, and resistance era politicking. As of press time and its present incarnation, it's both an outdated election betting site and an outdated resource for COVID-19 information. Since the site began, it's been called one of history's worst websites and one of history's most important websites.
To me, I think they're both right.
Building a porno business around an easy-to-make typo may not have been the most noble pursuit, but the site nevertheless taught a generation of web users, but sadly not enough, not to take things they see on the internet at face value. And even though WhiteHouse.com was never at the apex of web design, content, or good taste, it's hard to see how an early dot-com cash grab could further sell you the image of a building constructed by enslaved people. |
cracked | everything_you_were_taught_about_johnny_appleseed_is_a_lie_if_history_were_honest | Good evening, I'm Roger It takes gumption luck and a bohemian spirit for one to emerge a legend from the churning current of time I should know as arbiter of history chronicler of legend and Lord of time humans strive to achieve Immortality through heroic deeds in the short time their feeble flesh vessels roam the earth Why else would we build the pyramids the Great Wall or the cross Bronx Expressway? Today's tale is one of a man who spread his seed So far and wide he gives Genghis Khan a run for his money a man Who's fruit or a legend so famous? You might think him more myth than man. Of course, I'm talking about Johnny Appleseed the goblin esque religious simpleton who spread alcoholism across America Flushing these days.
That's new. Hey, did you wash your hands?
Oh, yeah, I love clock jokes Yeah, they never get old just like us Today's episode is about Johnny Appleseed a man who many folks think is made up like Paul Bunyan or the scatman But they couldn't be more wrong kind of like you clock Oh about the best backstreet boy or my way Howie and three thousand pounds lucky guess Anyway, Johnny Appleseed was a real guy and much like the backstreet boys toward our country spreading songs written by a reclusive Swede a man by the name of John Chapman Fruited our country's plains with his beloved trees I love a sweet innocent story about a very possibly mentally ill man our ideas of sweet and innocent differ irreconcilably It's time for clock goes question corner What percentage of the apples you've eaten in your life will likely grown from an apple seed? Oh That's right Zilch see the type of juicy crisp apples that you're currently rotating in your mind palace Oh, they're almost exclusively grown from grafting a bit of an apple tree onto a donor root throwing an apple tree from a seed On the other hand. Well, that's a great way to get a bunch of nasty little gremlin apples that I wouldn't feed to my Worst enemy that's me Unless you've been scrabbling around your neighbor's yard eating crab apples like a sick raccoon You've probably never bitten into an apple grown from a seed and for good reason I have so every apple eaten in the 1800s just tasted like absolute dog out No, but Johnny apple seeds did to find out why let's hear from the man himself Hello fellow traveler, will you have fresh news straight from heaven? Welcome to our homestead. I'm not interested in heaven He really did greet people that way and he really did dress that way That's a fact two pairs of jeans burlap sack pot on his head the whole nine yards Now John John my man, what is your religion? Oh, I am Sweden ball here They keep making new muppets and I just can't keep up and how do Sweden Borgians feel about grafting trees can't do it Cause his pain to the trees So trees are perfect God's mates are trees Come have two trees that's not gonna work here This is mostly linoleum any who the actual use of Johnny's many horrible apples was unimaginable gallons of hard apple cider Oh People do not like my apples, but they like my trees or to my companion chip Especially given that water wasn't always clean frontier settlers were throwing back hard apple ciders like it was a college orientation after-party So pale delicious over here. Well, he wasn't propping up the bottom of America's food pyramid He was planting booze trees all across the Midwest. He was halfway between a wandering druid and a beer rep Okay. Okay enough with the seeds. What do you think you're doing planting? There's no natural light in here big son Why did I think he was a fun little man who sang and danced with birds? Oh, well, that's all Disney You see they had to spruce him up a bit the real Johnny Appleseed wasn't nearly as fun as a cartoon My god says I have to wait until marriage for sex. See you might be a sexless zealot But I think it's nice that you planted so many trees and made America beautiful Claco you innocent sugar-brained child. Johnny was no hippie. He did it for the cash. It's simple frontier math Frontier law states that you can have 100 acres if you establish a permanent homestead Now it means 50 apple trees to make a homestead trees take 10 years to grow The trees are perfect. God made some trees can't hurt the tree Okay. All right We're stuck in a Swedenborg in God loop The point is Johnny would run out ahead of the settlers and plant some trees giving them a head start on the 10-year growing Period and they would pay top dollar for every single tree.
I'm rich as fuck Then why are you wearing that awful outfit? Well clock. Oh, not all rich people dress. Well, Michael Jordan's a billionaire and he dresses like Doug funny Will you and your abomination have news straight from heaven?
Okay, that's for you, thank you yeah, I think more is not the answer but I'm gonna spend some time cleaning this up Thank you so much for watching. Have a great night. Goodbye. Do we have a Roomba with a knife? |
cracked | 3_movie_mysteries_with_answers_hiding_in_plain_sight_cloverfield_district_9 | District 9 is a movie about aliens who get stranded on Earth and walked off into a shanty town. Wikus is our human protagonist who is sprayed in the face with an alien fuel and thus turned into an alien? Yep. Now, Wikus isn't the most likeable protagonist, but he ends up making an alien friend and helping him build a spaceship to go back to his and fellow stranded aliens home.
But then Wikus finds out he's going to have to wait in hiding for three years. Now there is almost no reason to really like Wikus, but if you look at this clip, in the corner of the mirror is what is definitely an ultrasound. Wikus is having a baby and now has to wait three years for maybe a second chance of being a human again.
Maybe. Yikes.
Cloverfield is a movie of found footage, where a guy tries to rescue his girlfriend while a big crazy looking monster destroys New York City. So where did the monster come from? Did we even defeat it? How come people treated this found footage movie like it was a brand new idea when the Blair Witch had happened? Well, the first question was answered, if you look close enough. Throughout the movie, we catch snippets of the love story that's being recorded over by the monster invasion. In the very final clip, we catch something significant. Did you see that? While the couple is looking out to see something crashes behind them. That's why the film opens with a statement that the government says their camera was recovered as evidence. Some say it was a Japanese satellite, but it's not confirmed, so whatever crashed presumably woke up the monster and made it go nuts on the city.
In Django Unchained, Tarantino makes a major intra-movie connection. Now Tarantino is famous for having his movies share universes with other movies, but this one is probably the coolest attempt to create a shared universe.
Room Hilda has a full name, Room Hilda Von Shaft. Now consider the fact that Django doesn't have his own last name. So Django, being a progressive dude, takes his wife's last name. Over time, the name is shortened to just Shaft, and boom, many grandsons and granddaughters later you have John Shaft.
Don't believe us? Tarantino confirmed it.
Nice. Hey, thanks for watching that video. If you want to subscribe, please hit the big C in the middle. If you want to watch another video, please click one of the links on the right. And if you want to get notifications from YouTube every time you have a new video, click the little bell icon, and they will send you a notification every time you put up a new one. |
SaturdayNightLive | tsunami_press_conference_saturday_night_live | Bad stuff happens. Cnn is there. Coincidence?
Good afternoon, I'm Frederica Whitfield. we have received word that President Bush is about to give another press conference with former President Clinton and his father, former President Bush. we now take you live to the White House. Good afternoon. thanks for coming out. And I want to thank these two distinguished Americans for being here with me today. Well, I'm always happy to be in front of reporters, George. wouldn't miss it for the world.
Already, these gentlemen have helped raise millions of dollars in the worldwide Tsunami relief effort. and I am pleased to announce that their efforts will be expanded to include the victims of the California mudslides in what we are now calling the War on Weather. our hearts go out to all the Muslim countries and Blue states that are currently suffering the wrath of God with these crazy Bible Times floods. I will now reluctantly take your questions. Yes, Margaret. Mr. President, what do you say to critics who claim you were slow to respond with aid to the Tsunami victims? You know, I'll tell you, Margaret, I was right out there. You know, I came forward in a matter of days and pledged a couple hundred bucks. you know, some people said that wasn't enough, but people don't understand. that was just an initial response.
You know, that was before I understood what a tsunami was. You know, I'm from Texas. you know, we don't have tsunamis. you know, when someone tells me a big wave hit, I think a couple hundred bucks ought to cover it.
What President Bush is saying is that the United States will continue to adjust our contributions to Southeast Asia as the rebuilding continues, for the need is great and their friendship is important to us. Yeah. Mr. President, do you consider American Tsunami relief efforts an opportunity to restore goodwill among Muslims? I hope so, Tom. you know, I hope these people see what we're doing and realize that America's heart is a giant. you know, it's our most gigantic part. and it's coming to get them. I think what the President is saying, Tom, is that we're going to help these people because they need help. And if that improves our image in the world, then that is a wonderful byproduct. What he said, you know. Mr. President, follow up. Do you have any plans to visit Southeast Asia in the near future? Margaret, you know, it's a timing thing. you know, the area is real dangerous right now. and from what I understand, it stinks real bad. George. Margaret, I agree with the President that at this time, it would not be appropriate to go. we don't want to. You know, when I was the President, we had terrible floods in the Mississippi River Valley, and what I learned is that sometimes it's more important to let the relief workers do the good work that they do unencumbered. Now, I agree. but I hope. and I believe that sometime in the near future, we'll be able to visit Indonesia and Thailand and see the fruits of our labors and stand together as a world community proud of what we have done. ditto on that. Mr. President, what do you make of reports that Al-qaeda operatives may pose as relief workers inside Indonesia and try to spark anti-american violence?
Well, Lamar, you know, this is the first time hearing of it, you know, But my first response is, it's creepy. You know, it gives me the creeps. I don't like it, you know? But that's what we're up against here. a bunch of creeps, you know? that's what I've been trying to tell you.
Lamar, when I was the President of the United States, I put U.s. troops on the ground in Somalia in spite of the extreme risk, because the people there needed our help. And I think that's what we'll continue to do because that is our role in the world. it's our role, Lamar. in the world. it's, uh. hard work.
Mr. President, Mr. President, on Wednesday, the search for Weapons of Mass Destruction was called off in Iraq. does your administration finally admit defeat on this issue? Sharon, we've been through this, like, a hundred times, All right? just because there were no weapons of Mass Destruction found, doesn't mean that this administration did not know that they weren't there or will not continue to be not there in the future. you know, we just don't know. You know, heck, we could've been lying about them the whole time and then somebody would've found something and we would've looked like geniuses, you know? But we don't. that's not our style. you know, I mean, uh.
Bill, you want to get in on this? Well, first of all, let me say, hello, Sharon. it's nice to see you again. you've changed your hair. and I think the color really does light up your face. But. what I think the President is trying to say is that our reasons for being into Iraq were manifold. Yeah. But now that we're there, we need to focus positive attention on getting our troops home safe. Well, I know that. and on assisting the Iraqi people in determining their own fate through democratic elections. that's what I've been saying. y'all been saying that for months. they like it better when he says it. And if I might be so bold, I can think of a couple of other things the President might like to say. Yeah, get on it. be bold. for instance, we welcome Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas to the stage and hope he'll be a force for peace in the Middle East. Yeah, yeah. Also, Monday is Martin Luther King Day. Oh. and we take pride in the amazing progress we have made together as a country. Yeah, yeah, I want to say that. And finally, to our friends in the Ukraine. yeah?
Live from New York, it's Saturday night. |
CrackerMilk | bezos_zuckerberg_gates_have_a_secret_meeting | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Crackamoke podcast. The three of us will be leaving and instead characters we are playing will be joining as we are in the Illuminati meeting. That's right, we have access to the Illuminati and I am Jeffrey Bezos. And I am Bill Gates. Hello, I'm Mark Zuckerberg. Order, order, order, order, order, order, order. Welcome to the Illuminati meeting. Today we'll be discussing how we run the world.
Yeah, Bill, yeah. I propose we pay our staff less. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Bill settle down. Bill, those microchips have been driving people crazy.
We've been selling them on Amazon like there's no tomorrow. Where's all the profits from this? No, but you know what you've been getting?
Hey, no hard feelings, right? I'm the richest man in the world now, Bill. You're OK with that, Bill?
Yeah, I'm OK with that as long as the fuck you give me some of that cheddar. Yeah, I love cheddar. Give me that fucking cheddar. Yeah, Bill, I love eating cheese. I love eating cheese.
Mr. Bezos, Mr. Gates. Yes, Mr. Sucker Sucker Tucker Bird.
But I have your attention for just one second. Yeah, Marky, what's up, Mark? I've noticed I've been going through my billions. Yeah. Not my dollars, billions, not my shares in Facebook. Billions of accounts on Facebook. You know what I found? What's that, Mark? I found that you two don't have Facebook accounts. What's going on there? Oh, Marky, Mark.
Not even a link, bitch. Not even a link, Marky.
Yes. How do you expect someone like me, Marky, making all the billions I have, letting someone like you spy on me with your little, your little spyware, Marky? We're going to let that happen, Mark. Yeah, Marky, Marky. I know what you do on that site there, Marky. I know what you do on your Instagrams and your Facebooks, Marky.
There ain't no cheddar for me there, Marky. No cheddar for me, Marky.
Can I ask you guys a question? Yeah, what's up? Have you ever jumped over a chair from a standing position before? What? Have you ever jumped over a chair from a standing position before? Bill, ever since Windows 10 came out, you haven't been the same, Bill, let me tell you something. Why?
How's your wife doing? My wife? Yeah, how's your wife doing? Or should I say, ex-wife?
She took half of my cheddar. She took half of your cheddar. She found out about my secret share.
I invested billions of dollars into changing my bald head into life like marble. That's right. My top of my head's like a marble.
You know what? What?
I made my balls like granite, Mark. I didn't, Marky. I did not know you could make granite balls. Two big balls clanging together, smashing to dust.
I made my microchip saltier. What the fuck? Saltier. Bill, Bill, you got to suck it. It's easier to eat than to toast. What the fuck did you just say? Bill, you got to get it sorted.
You haven't been the same since Windows 10. Let me tell you, after Windows 10 came out, you just haven't been the same.
Vista was some dark days for you, Billy, some dark days. Yeah, I was going through some fucking tough shit. That's for sure.
Watch your language.
Sorry. Moving on, Bill.
Mark, I got to tell you something. I've been meaning to tell you since the start of the meeting. Your scales are showing, Marky. Yeah, you got to get that sorted out, Marky. It can't be going out in public when I go out there listening to people, Mark.
It hasn't been the same since the acquisition of Instagram, since that happened. OK, let's talk about some new projects coming up. Yeah, OK.
OK, I haven't killed enough people in my warehouses yet. It's not working out for me. I feel like I need to pay them less, maybe give them more opportunities for suicide.
You know what I have an idea. Have you ever seen Futurama? The first episode, I think it's the first. Yeah, yeah.
They have suicide boots. Oh, Marky, I'm way ahead of you. You can order a suicide boost right off Amazon if you got a blank subscription. The delivery's free, Marky. And let me tell you, I got drones dropping in suicide boots around the states willy nilly. It's crazy what I can do now, Marky.
Did you know that my wife took half my dollars? I got half the amount of cheddar. I got a couple more wages to make more cheddar because I'm a big rat, Marky. I'm a big rat and I need my cheese, Marky.
Yeah. Bill, you got to get it sorted. Well, I've been trying to get it sorted, man. I've been working on some new shit. What have you been doing, Bill? I've been working, you know, with virtual reality. Yeah. I've been working on some microchips that insert into your eyes, and they transport you into the new Windows 10, and you get to walk around in the field of desktop. Well, Bill, you've done it again. You're coming back, Bill, in a big way. So I can be in that big field. I think maybe you'll finally get it sorted with something like that.
The only thing is, when you insert the microchips into your eyes, you'll go blind.
Now we got to talk about our key problem here, okay? We got to talk about the elephant in the room.
The African elephant in the room, Elon Musk. The African beast. Son of a bitch. The son of a beast.
Hey, Bill, you got to get it sorted. Yeah, I'm trying, man. I'm trying, I'm trying.
Bill, you got to settle down. Bill, when you talk like that, no one else can be heard. No one, you got to listen to others, Bill.
Our problem, Elon. That motherfucker. Let's cut off his ears. Bill, you got to get it sorted. Ever since Vista, you wanted to cut off a lot of ears. Let me tell you something about that Elon, that motherfucker.
He took my idea. He said, I said, I want to make a billion dollars. He took that idea from you. And I did, and he took it from me, and now he's making billions.
You took your cheddar. He took my cheddar, and you know what else he did?
He made rockets, and he went to space, and I said, you know what? I'm going to space, Elon. I'm going to go to space first, and you know what he said to me?
You know what he said to me? I told you. The billionaire's ball. He said to me, my favorite movie is The Social Network. That's what he said to me, Mark. He said that to you? That's what he said to me, Mark. That's your movie, Mark. That's your, and he said he liked it. He said that to you. He said that to me, Mark.
That's his movie.
I didn't give you permission to watch my film. No, you didn't. I haven't even seen Chappie because it's in South Africa, and I feel weird looking at his culture without asking. Have you guys ever seen Smurfs 2?
Bill, you're not- Bill, you gotta get it sorted, Bill. Bill, I love Cheddar, and I'm willing to invest a lot into therapy if it's going to help you get it sorted. What do we do about it? I tell you what we do, okay? Through the California- Listen, Bill, listen.
Okay, we set him down, and while he's watching Smurfs 2, we go to his electric cars, and we spend our Cheddar, all of our Cheddar, and we turn his cars off by getting rid of electricity. That's right. No more electricity across the world. We get rid of it all. But if there's no electricity, then how am I going to log into Vista? That's what we do. We invest more in coal, and we use coal, and only coal, and we use coal to power everything. No more electricity, only coal, only Amazon Prime, only Facebook, only Windows. All the Cheddar in the world for this big wrath.
Come back to me. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
If you use coal, there won't be any more Amazon, and then you won't have a business name. I'll tell you what I'll call it. I'll tell you what I'll call my business instead. I'll tell you what I'll call it.
Microsoft. No one's ever thought of Microsoft before.
Hey, that's my fucking name. Ah, sorry, man. That is Bill's thing. Okay, I got another one for you. What about, uh, macro hard? I got Windows one through 10. How's that? I'm on board. I've already taken those. Oh, sorry, sorry.
What about Xbox? Taken. Xbox 360. Taken.
Shit, shit. No one's ever thought of Facebook. It's like your face on a book. Yeah. You can see it. What's up, Mark? Yeah, if I, Facebook's my thing. Oh, shit.
I looked at a human face. I thought, that's beautiful.
Why not make it a book? Yeah, first time you saw a human face, huh? Fucking slapped it right on that book. Skinned the face right off. Slapped it in the book, and now it's got a book. What's wrong with faces?
Shh, shh, shh, shh. I got an idea. What's that? On how we can finally get rid of Elon Musk. What's that?
So, we have, obviously, this most two viewing. Yes. We take the electricity away, but he's resourceful, Elon's resourceful. Bill, listen, listen, Bill. Sorry, I'm just standing there in there with the data. Okay, Bill. Bill, and Jeff, what we need to do is get your contacts. Yeah. Your contacts with the right people. America and the right people. Yeah. And build a big nuke. Oh.
We nuke the fuck out of South Africa.
That's what I'm talking about. That's the sort of shit. Yeah. That's the sort of shit we can get sorted.
I tell you what, I'm on the phone to Biden right now. I'm on the phone to Biden right now.
He hung up, but we're gonna nuke South Africa. We're gonna fucking nuke it all.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Crackin' Milk Podcast. You can watch the full version on what? Patreon. In my microchip eyes. Patreon.
I have to do a massive diary of shit, so I'm gonna go, I'll finish up. You guys go do a shit. Hey. Can we, before you go take a shit, can you, can we sit on the same toilet and I can shit in between your legs while you shit and then we can shit together? Go do it now. Hey. More electricity.
Only call. Only Amazon Prime. Only Facebook. Jeff. Only Windows.
Don't you fuck. All the chatter in the wild for this big wrath. Come back to me. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
If you use coal, there won't be any more Amazon. And then, then you won't have a business name.
I'll tell you what I'll call it. I'll tell you what I'll call my business instead. I'll tell you what I'll call it.
Microsoft. No one's ever thought of Microsoft before.
Hey, hey, hey. That's my fucking name. Ah, sorry man. That is Bill's thing. Okay, I got another one for you. What about, uh, macro hard? I got Windows one through 10. How's that? I'm on board. I've already taken those. Oh, sorry, sorry.
What about Xbox? Touch them. Xbox 360. Touch them.
Shit.
No one's ever thought of Facebook.
It's like your face on a book. Yeah. You can see it. What's up, Buck? You can see right, like, if people are. If I, Facebook's my thing. Oh, shit. I looked at a human face. I thought, that's beautiful.
Why not make it a book? Yeah, first time you saw a human face, huh? Fucking slapped it right on that book. Skinned the face right off. Slapped it in the book. And now it's got a book. It's this human face.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. I got an idea. What's that? On how we can finally get rid of Elon Musk. What's that? So, we have, obviously, this most two viewings. Yes. We take the electricity away.
He's resourceful. Elon's resourceful.
They'll listen. They'll. Sorry, I'm just standing there with the data. Okay, Bill. Bill and Jeff, what we need to do is get your contacts. Yeah. Your contacts with the right people. America and the right people. Yeah. And build a big nuke. Oh.
We nuke the fuck out of South Africa.
That's what I'm talking about. We kill. That's the sort of shit, yeah. That's the sort of shit we can get sorted. I tell you what.
I'm on the phone to Biden right now. He hung up.
But we're gonna nuke South Africa. We're gonna fucking nuke it all.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Crackin' Milk Podcast. You can watch the full version on what? Now watch this big wrath. Come back to me. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
If you kill the coal, there won't be any more Amazon. And then, and you won't have a business.
Shit. Hey. Can we, before you go take a shit, can you, can we sit on the same toilet and I can shit in between your legs while you shit and then we can shit together? Go do it now. Hey. I'll tell you what I call it. Microsoft. No one's ever thought of Microsoft before. Hey, hey, hey. That's my fucking name.
Ah, sorry man. That is Bill's thing. Okay, I got another one for him. What about macro hard? I got Windows one through 10. How's that? I'm on board. I've already taken those. Oh, sorry, sorry.
What about Xbox? Touch them. Xbox 360. Touch them.
Shit.
No one's ever thought of Facebook.
It's like your face on a book. Yeah. You can see it. What's a book? You can see what like, if I, Facebook's my thing. Oh, shit. I looked at a human face. I thought, that's beautiful. Why not make it a book? Yeah, first time you saw a human face, huh? Fucking slapped it right on that book. Skinned the face right off. Slapped it in the book. And now it's got a book. It's this, your entire face is.
Shh, shh, shh, shh. I got an idea. What's that? On how we can finally get rid of Elon Musk. What's that? So, we have obviously this most two viewing. Yes.
We take the electricity away, but he's resourceful. Elon's resourceful.
Bill, listen. Bill. Sorry, I'm just standing there with the data. Okay, Bill. Bill.
We nuke the fuck out of South Africa.
That's what I'm talking about. We kill you. That's the sort of shit, yeah. That's the sort of shit we can get sorted.
But I tell you what, I'm on the phone to Biden right now. I'm on the phone to Biden right now. He hung up.
But we're gonna nuke South Africa. We're gonna fucking nuke it all.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Crackin' Milk Podcast. You can watch the full version on what? Patreon. In my microchip eyes. Patreon.
I have to do a massive diary of shit. So, I'm gonna go. But you can. I also have to. I'll finish it off. You guys go do a shit. Hey. Can we, before you go take a shit, can we sit on the same toilet and I can shit in between your legs while you shit and then we can shit together? Go do it now. Hey. |
dropout | everyone_thinks_they_re_an_expert_hardly_working | Pitch meeting is at one right? Yeah but if you don't have any pitches it's totally fun.
What? Is that true?
No yeah totally we don't do any work here.
Guys I'm so stressed out. My roommate is really mad at me but won't explain what happened and it's just complete radio silence when I go home. Oh Katie that sounds like a real lack of communication and communication is so important. Yeah I know I don't know what to do. You should call your roommate right now and tell her that you're not a mind-reader.
You think so? Allie it feels like you're attempting to psychoanalyze Katie without any training or background in therapy. Yeah you might be right. Well it's exactly this kind of armchair pseudo psychology that I would love to explore in our session today. Brennan you seem to be using a lot of words like no training and pseudo psychology. I'm sensing a lot of cynicism on your part. I would invite you as your therapist to open up and give the world a chance. Wow I guess I never really thought about it that way.
You see we each hold a glowing gem jewel in our heart and it is our job to protect. Katie? Hmm? Hmm. You know I'm gonna go out on a limb here and feel free to put me in my little place if I'm wrong but I think your inner gem jewel may be holding you back. I think you may need to shed your inner gem jewel. Allie? Hmm?
Who said that? Me said that.
It feels like you're giving people crazy advice as a distraction from my inner gem jewel. No that's made up nonsense as a form of distraction from the elaborate network of ghosts that constitute our human emotional vortex. Basically what we in the medical profession call a feeling is just five to ten ghosts.
Brennan? Hmm? Hmm. Allie? Hmm. Katie? Hmm. I think you need to stop giving advice to other people. Hmm.
Well, that's all the time we have for today. I think we made some amazing breakthroughs. I agree. Here's $75. Ooh, I actually make 27.2% more than you guys do for being a man.
Oh. Yes, thank you. Sorry, I'll just kind of just grab that.
Hey, what's up? It's Allie from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe, click here to see some more cool stuff, and if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_war_on_drugs | Welcome to Bleak Bloop. I'm Jeff Rubin and this week I'm with Pete Holmes and Pat Cassels. We are playing a video game so advanced you don't even need a console to play it. You can just put it in your regular DVD player. You already know what it is, of course.
It's the classic crime patrol 2 drug wars. We've put it in our computer. We're going to be controlling it with our keyboard, but any DVD player, any remote you can play crime patrol 2. What happened to crime patrol 1? Crime patrol 1, I believe, was on VHS.
So the way it works is that imagine it's a DVD menu and this crosshair is the cursor. And if someone is shooting at you, you've got to move the cursor above them, like it's a DVD menu with your DVD remote, and then you press OK to fire, and then the game skips for a second while it loads the person dying or, you know, you dying.
I am Lopez, Lopez the Narcotics King. Oh, Lopez the Narcotics King.
They were making these games when they had just invented the CD-ROM, and they were like, you know what would be the best graphics? Live video. We'll get real actors and film them, and that'll be the game. I get the feeling these aren't actors, though, so it's just a bad day in Miami, and they were like, oh my god, let's make this into a game. Worked for Night Trap.
It's a stitch of drugs. You can smell it right here in Sierra County. I can smell it right here, because I sniff it all the time.
The girls look like how I would feel if I was in this game. They're just like, look beautiful. It's like that box manages to capture like a bizarre deal, like, who's like, yes, it's good dish, dish box, PlayStation 2, DVD, it's everything, electronics.
Priscilla in Israel only. Wait, so it says Priscilla in Israel here. Priscilla in Hungary only.
We got it wrong. Ben Kingsley acted in this video game. Ben Kingsley's son with bald bull.
What happens if you shoot the tires or something? I think you die. Sorry, partner, you just don't know beans without shooting. We're dead, and we get a little insult.
It's not a question of whether or not she's done porn at this point. It's how many porns has she done.
I've never wished more for a DVD to have commentary. It was just like, shoot that guy, shoot that guy. Oh man, this game is terrible. This is really bad. Shoot that. Oh, you know, no beans. You'll never play that again. I just beat the level and then it just unceremoniously dumps you back in the menu.
If you're in case you're like, I'm pretty sure I'm close to unlocking the real levels. So victory is just not having your fellow law enforcement officials insult your abilities. I guess you do know beans about shooting.
Just opens her thighs. So after about 10 minutes, we've seen everything the game has to offer. But lest importing this game from the Middle East be a total waste, the game comes with previews for all the other games in this series.
Mad Dog Recruit is kind of the classic of this light gun plus full motion video genre. Wait a minute. Isn't this the guy from Blade? Christopher Stauffer said, no, that's just what every old guy looks like in a cowboy hat. How do you say to that guy like, I know you're going to risk your life, but don't worry. It's for Mad Dog McCree. Hey, same guy! It's Mad Dog McCree in space. You can't fool me. This is such a classic 80s mentality. It's like, what's the future of video games? Right.
No drawings. People. |
SaturdayNightLive | live_with_regis_and_kelly_donald_trump_saturday_night_live | Oh, well, well, good muck. I am in a fantastic mood this morning. Oh, wow, for once. Oh, boy. what did you do last night, Regis?
Well, I went to a big party last night at Taven on the Green to celebrate the release of Diane Caro's new record album. Ooh, fancy. Well, it was very fancy. I mean, this party was star-studded. I mean, everyone was there. Jerry Orbach, Robert Lozier, Catherine Oxenberg, Kitty Carlisle, the Teshers were there.
I don't know who that is, reg. when you say all those names, it sounds like you're saying, bleep, blop, blop, blop, bloop. All right. So how are you, Pippa? you busy as I was? you bet, Reg. Now, what are all these extra cameras for? Well, I'm multitasking, Reg, because everybody knows there aren't enough hours in the day.
So in this camera, I'm doing our show. In this camera, I'm taping my sitcom, Hope and Faith. And in this camera, I'm doing a guest appearance on Sesame Street. So, for example, we've got a great show today. Hope!
Hey, I'm O'kellie. I'm O'kellie.
Kelman, did you know about this, Kelman? I did, Reach. Kelman, what about you is different? I got a new haircut. No, that's not it. Drop it, Reach.
All right, we've got a great show for you today. Yo, I can't believe it. the Trumpster is here. The Trumpster, my friend, Donald Trump. Look it, Reach is. He's so excited. I haven't been this excited since Stephanie Powers introduced me to Benefiber. I don't know what that is, Reach. Wait, bar, bar, bar, bar. Anyway, please welcome King Midas himself, Donald Trump. Donald, you look wonderful.
The Apprentice is a big hit. it's Huge, Reach, it's just Huge. You know, it's the highest rated show on television. And it's a monster. Yeah, it's a big show. it's Huge. Huge. Huge, Reach, Huge. it's just Huge. it's Huge. it's a big show. it's terrific.
Lodge. you know, I like it when you say you're fired and you do that thing with your hand. Well, yes, it's a very, very popular catchphrase. in fact, that's why I trademarked it. Now, can you believe this, Pippa? He gets money every time someone says you're fired. you're fired, you're fired, you're fired, you're fired, you're fired, you're Fired. Pay him, Reach. Donald, Donald, you're unbelievably hot right now.
Did you ever dream you'd be a Tv star? Well, you know, Regis, I always knew I was a brilliant businessman. I knew my book, How To Get Rich, would be a bestseller immediately.
But you know, by the way, just in case you haven't seen it, But I had no idea people would love me this much on television. I went on the Tonight Show, the highest ratings ever. I went on Oprah, her highest ratings Ever. And I guarantee you that right this second, Regis And Kelly is getting its highest ratings ever. it's electric, you can feel it. And Reach, if I turn away from the camera, your ratings will drop five points, watch.
And Boom, they're back. Wow, this guy's terrific. and so humble.
I wanna be on the Apprentice. I could win because I am very good with people and I'm very bossy. Right, Reach? Say yes. no problem. Yes. Well, you know, Kelly, I really admire your work ethic. I wish you were a little bit taller, to be perfectly honest, but for a mother of three, you've got a really tight little body. Oh! and I would definitely hire you to work at one of my companies. Uh, I'll do it. Pippa, your plate is full. you can't take every job that's offered to you. Yes, I can, Reach. I'm hired.
And Regis, you're fired. I'm fired, you're fired. No, you're fired. Gelman, you're fired.
I quit, Reach. I'm moving to Amsterdam. I'm worried, Gelman. I'm very worried. Yeah. well, Regis, look, you have to excuse me. I've got to go. I'm breaking ground today. we're building a new Trump Tower, on top of the original Trump Tower. it's going to be Huge. Oh, no, no, you're not going anywhere, Trump. our ratings have never been higher. Pippa Gelman, help me hold him down. I've got to go. we'll be right back, everybody. when we come back, hunky husbands, Doze, Trace, Aqua. |
dropout | well_well_well_late_for_work_again | Shavon, work starts at 9 a.m. it is 11 30 where were you oh huh I was at the dentist I'm going to the dentist a lot lately yeah soda hmm your mouth sore boy yeah gum stuff it's funny because I was at the dentist earlier and I didn't see there so is I Cynthia hey yeah I didn't actually make it to the dentist uh I had car trouble you know these cars don't you lie to us grant we're not stupid we waited all morning for you we'd burn breakfast you didn't have to do that what are we supposed to do to get through to you are you drunk don't change the subject I won't talk to you when you're like this you never want to talk go back to your room sweetheart fine you don't know why I was late I was in bed with her with who with her the Spike Jones movie it was my third time watching it and I did it on my phone on my side in my bed that's why I was like you bastard that's always why I'm late because I hate getting out of bed so I will find any excuse to stay shut up last week when I was late I was looking up driving directions for a trip I'm taking in four months and yesterday I was late because I was playing online practice crops I don't have time for this I have work to do hey it's grand from College Humor click here to subscribe to the channel click here for more fun stuff at sorry guys it feels like I'm out am I out because I can like I can see the top of the camera so it's is this better all right it feels worse okay thanks for watching |
dropout | photoshop_tutorial_rap | Ah, my eyes are red. How am I supposed to put these pictures on Facebook?
Yo! I hear you got a problem! Who are you?
Yo, I'm CMY killer, here to answer all your prayers So import the speed, they follow, open up a new layer When it comes to red eyes, I know just the fix Back your ass up and let me channel mix You know they're RGB, all the colors, we slide it Now knock that red back to that sucker behind it Said I used green and blues up to 50% Now we through, let's review our color adjustment Hey, what's wrong with my picture? You made it all gray Crop that tongue, motherfucker, listen what I say So like your layer mask, now we on the right track With that paint, buck it out, fill it up with black Hold up! Here's a tip for Adobe Elite If you want a quick fill, press or delete But it looks just the same Yo, shut up, fool! No talking while I'm shopping, that's the number one rule Now give yourself a brush, make it soft and white And dab away that red till it looks alright Here we see you to the M, to the Y, to the killer Photoshop master picks and pushin' eye triller Let me sign a song, find what I have seen unfold I've opened all the honeys with my magnetic lasso Oh, command C, command C This is going to be the worst church bake sale ever Why won't this stupid text pop? Ah, unurban Yo, did I hear someone say yo, who's busted Slot me that mouse, cause I'm here to adjust it Seems like your font is looking pretty grim You wanna make that text shine like custom rim Sure, where do we start? Yo, that depends, open layers now Say hello to my friends Yo, I'm Master Bevel, I'm way past your level My contour's better on your letters The mix and what's the shovel? Did you just stub again, I said the bevel To end a slider depth, right, I step, shaded, shift Like I'm in the house On your gun, don't choke, don't wanna outsize, choke Make the text beep out like it was proposed When I set my drop shadow at 2, there's opacity Yo, your massivier's goin', but not yet at capacity Your distance should be high with your size set low When the spread between them slides right to zero Now this big sale flyer's looking chrome as shit Better take that dupes and kinkos, cause it's ready to print A to the D to the O to the B to E Rappin' on my fast, givin' answers for free The Photoshop wizard's so skilled and tragic Yo, pickin' up chicks, what I want, that's magic Yo, son, makin' my talents is off Ah, this commission is too hard Harder than this unicorn's diamond hard horn Yo, oh, damn, son, that unicorn's tight No, somethin's missing, it's still not right The line art's fine, but the magic's not fair Hold on, I'ma teach you some spells, get about that shit I been needin' some help, tippin' dazzle this horse Good thing my whole crew's about to show up in four Roll call My boy Lynn's flay, I'm gonna shock your screen And you know, plastic rapper gonna give it some sheen Filt the fills, got the thrills, if you know what I mean And little dispeckles here to keep things clean DJ Dodge is here, with MC Burn They be fillin' with the skills you be yearning to learn Yo, word, motion blur, gonna take a turn Noise poison the house, y'all get concerned We got the Raster Riser, MC Brush effects Star song, quick mass, killer, and all the rest Gonna take this uni to the level next That is rainbow mane, it's got me really erect What? You should see it to the M, to the Y, to the killer So shoutin' master feet, so pushin' I through the Raster to snap, so his guidance is hot I got a 12-inch tablet and my ring's overclock A to the D, to the O, to the B, E Got the novice facts, you're an answer for a free E Gotta walk the path of a number one shopper I sample all the ladies with my massive eyedropper Killed by eyedropper, I'm talkin' bout my dick But my actual eyedropper also has a very large sample size Bitch! |
cracked | david_lynch_s_forgotten_absurd_sitcom | Hey, did you know that David Lynch made a follow-up sitcom to Twin Peaks and it was hated so much that only three of the seven episodes ever even aired in the United States? Before becoming the internet's most accurate weatherman, David Lynch was one of the world's favorite weirdos. This is a donut. He spent that 1980s directing a vast array of movies from man with disfigured baby to disfigured man who scares babies. Which eventually landed him the opportunity to co-create a little show called Twin Peaks alongside writer Mark Frost. Much like Twin Peaks, On the Air was a show that was decades ahead of its time. But while Twin Peaks has been solidified as a pop culture touchstone, On the Air has been buried so deep in the ABC vault that you'd be lucky to find more than a couple little scrumdiddly-umptious crumbs of information.
Unless you want to buy the DVD and then presumably also a DVD player, there's not any particularly easy or legal way to watch the show. So, I stand before you, a humble weaver of tales and alleged cyber-criminal, as likely your only chance at learning about a sitcom nobody likes, made by the genius who made a song called Crazy Clown Time. Does that sound good to you? It sure sounds like another typical YouTube video to help you distract yourself from the dystopian nightmare we call home. Alright, that's enough pre-rainble, let's just fucking talk about this stupid show.
This is a wonderful product.
Set in 1957, the pilot of On the Air opens on the dress rehearsal for the Lester Guy show. And because this show is a 30-minute long ensemble sitcom, we are immediately introduced to our entire cast. Starting with Betty, the fresh-faced actor with no common sense, she is dumping some serious exposition on Ruth Trueworthy, who is the assistant to the show's director Vladja Gotchich. Yes, Mr. Gotchich, I certainly think we definitely have a good chance to be almost completely ready.
Maras! Vladja's borderline xenophobic accent is so outrageous that Ruth basically has to double as a translator for him for the entire show. You're shit. Fine!
You shoot. Bang! I shoot. Bang!
A bit, I'm sure, won't get annoying at all. And then there's Dwight McGonigal, a producer who's basically just a walking panic attack. My knives!
And then the Hurry Up twins, who are just perfect. The Hurry Up twins. I may be a staunch pacifist, but I would kill indiscriminately for the Hurry Up twins.
No notes. Anyway, back to the plot.
Betty goes around telling everyone on staff that she's nervous for her first time on live television. This is live television. Which ultimately makes everyone on staff nervous for her first time on live television.
But that's when Bud Budwaller, played by longtime David Lynch collaborator Miguel Farrer, shows up with his crony Nicole Thorne, played by Hatchetface from John Waters Crybaby and basically nothing else. Now Bud is the president of the Zablatnik Broadcasting Network, or ZBC, because David Lynch is the master of subtlety, that silly little goose. So anyway, Bud's come to the set of The Lester Guy Show to make sure that everything is executed perfectly. You see, Mr. Budwaller put his entire career on the line to land this washed up Hollywood actor Lester Guy as the titular star of The Lester Guy Show. The future of our entire network is rioting on this show! As for Lester Guy himself, he brings some serious mopey Zulian energy to on the air as the show's main foil.
What do they know in South Dakota? They know what they like. They knew what they liked. They wouldn't be in South Dakota.
Which contrasts beautifully to Betty's unbridled optimism. Optimism.
Ugh! Some of the crazy things that are introduced in the pilot are Blinky, a man who suffers from a fake disease called Bozeman's Simplex. A narrator explains to us every single episode that Blinky isn't blind, he actually sees so much that he's overloaded with information at all times. Kinda like he's on a perpetual acid trip from God the Lucky Bastard.
Thank you Betty.
So obviously Blinky is put in charge of stage management and making sure all the heavy things don't kill people, alongside his friend Mickey, who essentially does the job for both of them. So many different sounds in the universe. Infinitesimal. And then lastly there's the network executives who are just a literal corral of dying old men. Again, no notes. And if you know even a little bit about creative production, it's nothing like that, definitely nothing like that.
I'd like to keep my job, thank you very much. Anyway, back to the pilot.
Although the dress rehearsal goes very well, everything falls apart at the last minute once the cameras start to roll for real. The pilot of On the Air ends with the pilot of the Lester Guy Show technically being a disaster but the audience is captivated with Betty who sings a dumb bird song or some garbage. And the ratings go through the roof. Wah, hoove, ooh, hat, and er, hongs. What? Now this is essentially how all seven episodes of On the Air play out. Each week a new segment is introduced on the Lester Guy Show, which is kinda like a variety show, and then that segment gets sabotaged by Lester and Nicole only for Betty to kind of fail upwards and then the Lester Guy Show gets to live on for another week. After the pilot, On the Air truly suffers from diminishing returns. It's clear that the writers really had no idea where to take the show after Lynch wrote and directed the first episode and then, you know, went to go do David Lynch things. For example, in the pilot Lester Guy falls into this beautiful slapstick sequence with lots of moving parts and chaos from all sides and it ultimately kinda ends with him just dangling from the rafters.
It's very funny. In the next episode, Lester is given a box by the stage manager Mickey who warns Lester that if he presses the wrong button, laughing gas will shoot out. And then that happens. Can you imagine? Now don't get me wrong, there's some amazing shots that are clearly just there because they looked fucking awesome. Like this funny little duck that's being stabbed by a tiny electric chair. It's cute but also morbid as hell. Yay! If nothing else, it's clear that the people were having fun making On the Air. I mean, everyone acts their hearts out with Lester Budd and Nicole playing just wonderfully over-the-top villains.
I was never allowed to be shot.
Who cares? And Betty gets to have a blast playing arguably the dumbest character to ever appear on TV. Think Lucy Ricardo meets Olive Oil. Have you seen my duck? His name's Doodles. Doro Garba. You tore his head? There's so many silly gags like a phone labeled the hotline literally shooting fire out whenever someone answers it. And that is just some Muppet level shit that, you know, people who look and smell like me will love it.
You see, Twin Peaks' first season was such a hit that ABC ordered seven episodes of a brand spanking new Frost Lynch series that the pair basically thought up on a whim. But with money-hungry executives breathing down their throats, On the Air was rushed into production in the summer of 1991. Ugh, the 90s. Unfortunately, though, this was just a few months before Twin Peaks' cancellation, and said cancellation made ABC push On the Air's time slot to Saturday nights in the summer of 1992. Ugh, the 90s. But seriously, the summer, you know, when literally zero people are watching TV because at the time I assumed they're too busy blinding each other with lawn darts or whipping beanie babies at their siblings or just generally drinking Mountain Dew like it's fucking water. Anyway, On the Air was thus pronounced dead on arrival. But what if ABC gave it the prime time slot? Would it have become another cultural touchstone for annoying film school kids to love or hate depending on what's trendy? Was On the Air, as David Foster Wallace put it, but ominously horrid?
I'm pretty sure I found the bottom, David. It's like seven episodes deep. Whatever. Who cares? You're dead.
Well, the quick answer is no. The world was just simply not ready for On the Air in 1992. But I would suggest that its borderline anti-humor would fit in perfectly with the cold, nihilist future the Zoomer generation is paving us towards. Fun! Now, 30 Rock is a great example of how to make something like On the Air work. It's silly, it's a critique on the entertainment industry, and it knows how to continuously up the absurdity level season after season. The similarities are honestly pretty in your face, but the differences are that 30 Rock was made by a team of die-hard comedy writers who literally worked their buttholes off. I mean, Tina Fey is physically just a Barbie doll back there, while On the Air was basically just run by a king of the crazies. Who knows? Maybe if 30 Rock was made over a decade sooner, it might have suffered the same fate. Maybe, so I can't say for sure. But I think the regular folks in early 90s just did not give a shit about how TV is made. You see, in 1992, the most outrageous thing on television was like murder, she wrote, so I can see why the audiences of the time would find On the Air to be just so goddamn annoying.
Make up! I want you to kiss me. I'm yours, darling.
Dark food! But today, there's essentially entire networks with an S, dedicated to absurdist television. Sweets for the sweet, chicken at the bench bench.
And On the Air is somewhere between Pee-Wee's Playhouse and Tim and Eric's Awesome Show. I think Lynch and his crew had some wild, silly ideas, and they did the things that, you know, you do when you're cracking jokes with the bestie and one of you goes, we should definitely have our own sitcom. And then you and Tabitha go about your lives. But David took that idea, and he pitched it to ABC, and they said yes.
It doesn't even look like shoes in my life.
Who knows, audiences really hated the show when it aired, and with that summer time slot, as Miguel Farrer put it very succinctly, ABC put a bullet in our heads. There's a legend about a tribe of Indians in the Andes whose threshold of pain is so high that one of their favorite pastimes was throwing rocks at each other's heads.
I understand that feeling at this moment. On the Air is a confusing show, but it's got some real tasty nuggets of absurdism. And if you even have like a passing interest in watching David Lynch's full body of work, I would strongly recommend finding a way to watch it. It's by no means the worst thing he's ever made.
That award easily goes to Crazy Clown Time. It is Crazy Clown Time!
So David, I'd like to talk to you directly, if you could just stop meditating for a second. Let this be considered my official plea for you to embrace On the Air. And if anyone watching this has David Lynch's address, just sound off in the comments. I'm going to put this video on a VHS tape and mail it to him. |
cracked | how_avatar_will_actually_be_remembered_throughout_history | Do you remember Avatar? Of course. Isn't that crazy how no one remembers Avatar? I guess, but I don't know. Have you considered my half of this conversation that we're having here in the present? Avatar is objectively the highest-grossing movie of all time and will be for the foreseeable future until some Star Wars Avengers crossover in 2023.
But when, really, has it come up in the last five years? When uninterested parties are trying to get work done, probably. My point is that it made no impact on pop culture.
Let's look at some other high-grossing films. Titanic is the second highest-grossing film of all time, and that has iconic scenes that are still being parodied and recreated today.
I did post a picture on Instagram of my dog with the caption, Draw me like one of your French girls. It was hilarious of me.
Avengers is the third highest-grossing film of all time. Now, that impact is clear by the fact that we're going to be watching movies set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe for the next all years. And also, the fact that DC has clearly changed their entire strategy, releasing standalone superhero films that will all tie into a larger Justice League movie specifically to be more like Marvel. Harry Potter, the last one, was the fourth-highest-grossing movie of all time, and people are still talking about it. And overanalyzing it.
I saw A Hundred Little Girls Dresses the Princess from Frozen last year. Where were you that you saw A Hundred Little Girls?
And people are still dressing up like Heath Ledger's Joker. But I can't say I've seen a bunch of Avatar costumes, or action figures, or fan fiction, or even any imitators. I mean, everyone's trying to do The Next Avengers, or The Next Dark Knight, or The Next Hunger Games, but why hasn't anyone tried to do the Avatar thing?
Well, there's Fern Gully, Pocahontas, Dune kind of, Dances with Wolves. How could a movie that made that much money and that was seen by everyone just like Vanish from the pop-cultural landscape? I mean, right now. Give me the names of the actors and the characters from that movie. Stephen Lang played Sergeant Colonel Fist, Zoey Zaldana was Girl One, Jake Sully was Tom Hardy.
Nope. Jake Courtney. Nope. Sam. Thing with us. Sam.
These are all good guesses. So, Gorny Weaver was in it. Do any quotes from that movie stick out to you quite like, why so serious? Sergeant Fist probably said, let's bag them and tag them. Some garbage. Okay, I concede to your point.
What is your theory? What? I don't have one. I just thought it was weird that no one talks or writes or thinks about what is objectively the biggest movie of all time. You didn't think it was interesting. You read about somebody thinking it was interesting. And I, on the other hand, do have a theory. What? But this was my thing. It was Forbes writer Scott Mendelssohn's thing. You have nothing.
My theory is that James Cameron is going to be remembered more as a Thomas Edison type than as a Spielberg type. Because he stole plots the way that Edison stole inventions. Yes. Good. This is also my theory.
The very part in this is over. We are done with you.
The reason that everyone saw Avatar was because of the 3D technology. That's the thing everyone said you need to see. And that's the impact the movie made. It told studios 3D is back. And that is why all movies are still made in 3D.
Go on. Cameron's stories are s*** because he mostly cares about the cool toys he gets to play with. Of course, the story is a rip off of Dances with Wolves and the characters have dumb names. He spent 14 months developing brand new motion capture technology.
The only reason he made Titanic was so he could dive to the actual shipwreck and explore it. Oh, s***. In his own words, I can make movies when I'm 80, but I can't do expedition stuff when I'm 80. That's why I made Titanic, so I could visit the actual shipwreck. Not because I particularly wanted to make the movie. Oh, s***. That's why his movies will never be pop cultural touchstones.
He's making technological achievements. No one's going to be talking about Avatar or Titanic in 50 years, except for maybe my awesome Instagram joke. But they will be using the inventions he developed to help make his mediocre movies. Like Edison. I'm contributing again. Exactly. Edison also made motion pictures, but is remembered for his inventions. And his cocaine addiction.
No s***, really. Yeah, I mean, probably, right? Don't you think? It wasn't everybody back then? Because they didn't know?
Plus, you'd need some sort of kick to make all those inventions that he did. Light bulb. That. That is a coke idea. Thanks for watching our video, everybody. Have great times. Solid.
If you agree with us or disagree, let us know in the comments, or think of any other directors who will be remembered for things that have nothing to do with their directing. Please let us know. There's any other James Cameron movie that uses technological innovation that you think we should have talked about?
Do you think he's going to be an Edison type? Or he's going to blow us all away with Avatar f***ing 2, 3, and 4? Yeah, that s***. |
cracked | why_they_ll_never_stop_making_zombie_movies_monster_management_episode_3 | well you know yeah but you sleep during the day so maybe but at night you watch you guys go out yes usually not usually sometimes you know ring ring you call Dracula coming out tell you about the episodes you missed out you got it bar you got it but I'm like now mmm after the meeting I will go I will call you okay I'll call you is it all wolfman no no no no no no they're all they're all I mean they were my friends before I became a wolfman I'm surprised you're surprised well I'm sorry hello and hi they've been expecting you he literally just got here we've been waiting do you have any idea how hard it is to find this eater I do not please tell me well it's not so bad if you trust it oh shut up okay it's just me there may I get you anything I will check on that in the meantime OJ babe you are in the best position possible we love you we are nuts to be in the zombie business the walking dead huge show biggest ever but if that gets stale you know what you do hit it another 28 days later or World War Z shake it up boom fast zombies the sprinting dead if the audience gets tired of that look left look right we don't have the denim throwback to slow down we slow them down make them slower than Chet's kid he is a problem charts Chet Chet charts yeah we help our clients develop a five-year plan but with you there it's more like an infinity year plan this chart shows that just by varying your speed somewhat over the next few years you're potentially making oh would you look at that well you can't lie on a chart that looks promising I love it but could you please don't you know why right he's the money maker that zombie that's why the whole how do you do you know the big show all of that money that he brings in of course it's like a really smart thing for them to book them all that money makes it was my idea in the first place I told them I said hey check out zombie give zombie a chance really smart of you then are my eyes dollar signs yet because baby you are money in the bank we cannot go wrong with you warm bodies zombies can't be sexy we know that now I take full responsibility it worked on literally everything but aside from that little slip-up we are printing money comics toys TV shows spin-off walking dead web series walking dead video games World War Z books turn into a trilogy starring Brad Angelina pit zombie apps are we are we kidding are we kidding me are you kidding me endless repetition endless money spreading to all media all genres infecting everything it's weird thought what were zombies invented for in the first place Romero use them as a commentary on consumers culture run amok I've decided to ignore that is such a good call stick with us and we will monitor your speed so that you're changing it up just enough to fool the audience and keep that money rolling in can I get a blarm yikes guys turbo yikes we're running a little bit behind schedule and it looks like we're gonna have to close for the night I know isn't it right if we push y'all until tomorrow oh that's not ideal you are nightmares personified and that is not a phrase I band-aid about recklessly literally the first time I've ever heard we're not here to tell you how to be scarier we don't have experience in that and anyways it's none of our business could you even imagine if we tried to get the scary we would just embarrass ourselves what we do know branding you need to start thinking really thinking about your brand |
dropout | A_Cavalcade_of_Carreys_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome back to Breaking News, a show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
I'm your host, Drew Carey. And I'm Jim Carey.
Somebody stop me. Remember that? From the mask? I sure do, Jim. Do you remember my catchphrase? It's get my underwear, I'm on fire. Ah, the best.
Hey, what was the plot of the Drew Carey Show again? Well, the Drew Carey Show is really about an older white man living in a bungalow house. Specifically, it's a bungalow.
And he has his three friends, Oswald, Harvey, and the shooter of the JFK assassination. And they go on misadventures and kiss each other at the end.
Absolutely. Boy, the 90s were great. I just do a bunch of first thought paintings of Republicans with captions like Sarah Suckabee Sanders. I've gotten that beat. I'm a photographer, major league soccer. That's true, look it up. Hey, we both seem happy.
Our top story tonight, some dumbass Zoomer had the audacity to ask a millennial how old they were and then say, oh wow, you don't look that old. Whew, the Gen Z idiot actually thought that was a compliment. I'll tell you what, that whole generation is a pack of heels.
They probably don't even have an emotional connection to us, Drew and Jim Carrey, that's us. Impossible. I host The Price is Right. What do Zoomers love more than daytime television? Takis and taking selfies were the only thing in frame as their forehead. When reached for comment, the Zoomers leader Zendaya said, we bear millennials no ill will. You won't fear us, you fear your own ever closer death. But we together are the future and can make it our own.
Ugh, whatever, I hope Greta Thunberg's boat hits an iceberg. There aren't any more icebergs, that's her whole thing. Not like in every Zoomer's favorite movie, Titanic.
We go now to a Carrey that Gen Z is sure to connect with, John Carrey. John, what's happening? Yes, that's me. I don't know, but I just... I just made a new friend. Oh yeah? Who?
Oh no! Oh, that was terrifying.
He's a very dapper gentleman named Chris Pine, but not the actor he's named that because he's made of pine. Would you like to interview him? Oh, I'd be delighted, but if I see your lips move, I'm gonna make you start over. We both will and we'll enforce it very strictly. Chris, where are you from?
Oakland! That's a great food city. Do you have a favorite restaurant in Oakland? Oh no! I do! My favorite restaurant is Paul's Panini's.
You should try the pepper, parsley, and parsnip panini. Also, there are potato, bread, pumpkin, pretzels, and there are pepperoni, pastrami, pita, and there are purple papaya pancakes. Whoops, I saw your lips move. Try that again. Potato, pumpkin, pretzels, there are pepperoni, pastrami...
Maybe that's not working. No. Maybe. Is it?
You saw it? Potato, pumpkin, pretzels, there are pepperoni, pastrami, pita, and there are papaya pancakes. Nailed it. Do you do any impressions, Chris? Yes! Yes, actually, I do an impression of you, Jim Carrey. Oh yeah? Let's see it.
Alrighty then!
You must be the anomaly guy! Jim Carrey is known as more of a rubber face than that. Can you try that again? I'm sorry, it's a disgusting habit. They're all from that detective. That is astounding.
Presbyterians. I've had about enough of them. Not the religion, the cocktail. Did you know that there's a cocktail called a Presbyterian? Well, they don't have enough ginger ale in them.
I'll tell you something else. Everyone could cool it about seafood. I don't like seafood.
So what? That's some kind of moral failing now? Take a hike. Here's another problem I have.
These big cars that everyone drives now, these SUVs, they never offer me rides even though I know they have the space. Those big back seats?
Come on. And let me get something off my chest. When I come home from the grocery store, I don't want to hear it from my wife about how I should have bought bigger clams and oysters. They only have the little ones. I'll give you an example of a thing that bothers me.
The bells on the steeple of a church don't swing much. It's mostly just the part on the inside that moves. They look so much better if they were swinging.
Here's something for you. Our middle fingers should be longer than our pointer fingers. The pointer finger is the main finger. It should be the longest. But you still have these fools out here talking about intelligent design. Brother. One more thing before I go.
When is the last time you saw a fox? We were all led to believe by cartoons that foxes would be common as squirrels, but here we are basically foxless. They're more dangerous because they're bigger?
I have no way of knowing personally, that's for sure. Wow, thanks Russ. That does it for us. Before we go, today's loser is Amy. So they have to do hoedown with me and Ryan Stiles. Oh, here I go today on the seaside. You know what? That ventriloquism wasn't half bad. |
dropout | I_Hate_My_Kids_Says_Most_Moms_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to do or say and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm actually Geese. And I'm Jeff, but you can call me Dad if you want, kiddo. No pressure. I just love your mom so much.
Panic at the local roller rink as a rogue rollerblader trolled the stroller derby by rolling around bowls and bowls of ravioli. Every year at the stroller derby, sleep deprived parents straight up body check each other with their tots in tow as a way to blow off the steam accumulated from caring for grimy little booger bags that never stop shitting. It's like rugby on skates, but with way more toddler concussions. But yesterday's event was upended by a self-described pasta stan who slung severely sauced ravioli all over the playing space, straining skates and making one kid fall right down on his butt in that great way where he doesn't know he's supposed to cry for a few seconds and it's fun to watch the sadness creep slowly across his face.
Said the vandal, pasta is the one true food staple, cauliflower rice tastes like packing peanuts, and quinoa is just steam dirt. Down with all keto fascists. Well, Moe's played the role of roly poly, one of the goalies boldly doled a cannoli to his skull, killing him instantly. Holy moly, what an imbroglio. That can't be right.
Check in with our entertainment reporter, Fink Dinkum. Fink, how are ya?
Exhausted, actually. I just finished watching Netflix. Oh, the whole thing! Yep, temples to toenails, my dude. And how was it? Like being kicked in the shins for about a month. There are so many Christmas movies, like half of them feature Santa either fucking or trying to fuck, which really noodles my poodle. I'll bet. It was endless.
I sat through Norwegians fishing peacefully. All dogs go to heaven except yours.
The blinders side. Look who's talking now. It's toilets and they're pissed.
Marvel's can't man. Ten full seasons of some horrifically unfunny crap called Friends?
But it was worth it to discover Netflix's new rap competition, Rhythm and Flow. It was a revelation. I realize I'm hip-hop's...
Ahh!
My brain next to my brain! FC, this is my actual nightmare! Oh my god! This is my actual nightmare!
I can't rap! Look at me try! I gotta go four sick freestyle bars! Ohhhh! Drop the mic! Wow, so polished! Do more!
Ahh!
I'm gonna rap about Netflix on the internet, really going for it, why not? Got a mic right here on the floor, really gonna try. Are you laughing at my sick rap?
Here we go! And now it's swinging. Sorry Bo. Sick! And how does the hook go like? The hook, I'm really glad you asked, is... Ohhhhh!
She rapping! She's rapping and she's tapping, she's rapping and she's tapping, she's rapping and she's tapping, and she's spinning around!
Great stuffing! I'll be humming that one all the way home to my terrible husband.
Let's turn now to our chief economy person, Damp Probably. Damp? Thanks, Dad. The economy slipped today down a slip and slide, which always looks super fun in the commercials but just ends up chafing your runt on me and your thugger. A stone cold id-bummer that left the economy, a sad little baby whose friends all probably have a text chain without him, then the economy brightened considerably on news that its ex got fired from their job before spiraling again after eating a third bowl of frost and flakes when it promised itself the second was the last bowl. Said the economy, I should be allowed to doubt myself. I have to give my permission to have down days. Then it cried and cried, which is also allowed. It better be.
Oh, quick question. Damp, how do derivatives work? Interesting. So a derivative is the slope, is the slope of a curve. Can you wrap it? I will not, and I have not been asked to. The derivative is a slope of a curve. So to do it. I mean, I did. Well, I wasn't asked to, so I only do what I'm told. So if you have an equation, you actually just add one to the exponent and then you divide. Could you wrap it, please? I actually wasn't... Question about exponents.
An exponent is like three to the third. That means three times three times three. Do you get it?
Which is what? Which is not...
Oh my God, 27. A quick follow up. I do think that we were talking about derivatives in the economic sense, not in the mathematical sense. They're very interrelated, asshole. All right, great. Actually, dad. Thank you. I just love your mother so much.
Anyway, it's the fucking slope of a curve. So if you're looking for the derivative of a curve in economics, I'm sure it just means like the growth rate of some fucking stock. Sounds like my 401k would be in trouble if I had one.
Well, that's all the time we have for tonight. I'm actually geese. And I'm just really trying to make this marriage stick, you little snot. So meet me halfway here. Before we go, we should say that our loser this week is Elaine.
Oh, she can't stop laughing. She can't stop laughing.
Except for now. Thanks for watching. |
ClickHole | 6_people_describe_what_it_s_like_to_share_a_birth_month_with_mickey_rourke | It's the best! I mean, I love it. Come on, it's Mickey Rourke, how could it not be amazing?
I'm a Prince of Autumn, and that's all there is to it. Sharing a birth month with Mickey Rourke means spending September living like a rock star. You walk into any shop you want, and you walk out with a brand new, totally free, all-suede wardrobe, no matter what they usually sell there. I spend the whole year looking forward to September 1st, when I finally get to lock myself into my Mickey Rourke mask again. It's when I feel most myself. I was 12 when Mickey Rourke was born, and everything changed. I came in one morning to get my papers from my paper route, and my boss told me, Mickey Rourke just got born, you lucky son of a bitch. He handed me a Cuban cigar and a blank check, and I never had to toss newspapers again. I think some kids probably think I'm conceited, because trumpeters play whenever I walk into a class or into a bathroom. But most of my friends understand. It's just because I share a birth month with Mickey Rourke.
At some restaurants, you could tell the waiter, hey, this is my birth month too, and they'll bring you free cottage cheese and golden raisins on a Sin City DVD. Everything clicks in September. Bartenders give you discounts, customers tip more, birds fly into your kitchen, slam around in your spice rack, and then hurl themselves into your oven. Bam, you've got a snack!
My friend Eric is so jealous of me, because his birthday is on August 31st, and everyone's too busy getting ready for Mickey Rourke's birth month to celebrate his. For presents, his parents always give him those extra buttons that come with shirts sometimes. I remember thinking when 9-11 happened, Jesus, how will the nation recover from this? But then I thought, this is the month me and Mickey Rourke were born. And I held onto that, and it got me through. I celebrate all month, but I like my birthday parties to be intimate affairs. Good friends, good food, good wine, a small ice sculpture of Mickey Rourke drinking a fish bowl, a larger ice sculpture of Mickey Rourke carving the other ice sculpture, and a bowl of spoiled meat next to a time-activated desk fan so people don't stay too late. My birthday parties are the most fun. We play Expendables, and I get to be Tool, and then we play Expendables 2, and I get to be Tool. I actually met Mickey Rourke once on an elevator. I managed to hold it together enough to tell him my birthday was the day after his, and I'll never forget his reply.
He looked at me and said, nah, probably not. He's the real deal.
Tell you what, beats the fuck out of sharing a birth month with Kevin Kline. I feel bad for those poor schmucks born in October. It's not their fault they were born in the same month as Kevin Kline.
Can you imagine? There but for the grace of God go I. Holy shit. |
dropout | darth_seder | Thank you guys for being here. It really means a lot to me that you wanted to celebrate my heritage with me on this important night. Happy Star Wars Day, everybody. May the 4th be with you.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. And Baruch Katankaloin. Luke is going to become a Jedi. There are two sons on Tatooine. And Lo, though the R2 unit had a bad motivator, it brought forth the message of the princess. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. And yay. And thus Luke learned the mysterious ways of the Force. Actually, it's not that mysterious because according to the prequels... We do not speak of the New Testament. We remove a drop from each of our glasses to recognize the sacrifices made by the brave X-Wing pilots.
For Red Eleven. For Red Six. For Red Leader.
Why is it that on all other nights we don't have Star Wars themed Passover style dinners, but tonight I'm carrying a lightsaber. And Kevin is dressed as a Wookie. Because, young Padawan, tonight is the 4th of May and this is how our people... ...have always traditionally celebrated.
So say we all. I'm sorry, I'm not Jewish. And so we dip this bitter herb in salt water just as Han Solo was dipped in carbonite. I love you. I know. Yes, I found it.
Half of these Star Wars pop-tarts. Scruffy looking, nerfing bitch. I cannot believe they still make these Star Wars pop-tarts. No, I've been saving those since 2005.
Okay, the doors open for Anakin's ghost. Do you really think he'll come? It's a May the 4th miracle. May we celebrate next year at the San Diego Comic Con. Only not because everyone knows a Comic Con is in July. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_chelsea_snl | So you guys remember Chelsea? your ex, Chelsea? yeah. oof. I haven't thought about her in a while. Yeah, honestly, when you guys broke up, it was, like, such a relief. yeah, she was kind of the worst, man. just, like, a negative person. like, a bad person. yeah, like, whenever she would walk into a room, it would be like, okay, I guess this room is just gonna suck for a little bit. sometimes I would have daydreams about her getting stepped on by a giant. and she would always have, like, food all over her shirt, like a baby. she'd be like, oh, does this hot dog belong on my shirt or in my mouth? Oh, I'm Chelsea, I'm cruel, And I smell like a dead guy's fridge. She stunk. she was stinky. she was like pond scum, like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff. sewer runoff, yes. Ew.
Chelsea. All right, what's up with Chelsea? we got back together. you did. and she's right here. Chelsea. Chelsea. it is so good to see you, John.
What the hell? So you guys serious or casual? John just proposed weddings in June.
Love it. I can't wait to meet the fam. you already did. they're watching on zoom. Oh, no. what's up, family? y'all don't seem too happy with me. if anyone talks crap about my daughter, I'll hunt you down, and I swear to God, it blows out of that one. Hey, Chelsea, you don't know that stuff we were talking about earlier. I do. You do. Well, we were actually talking about John's other ex, Courtney. Yes. Courtney was the one who was like a fugly nerd. Wow. Courtney! good to see you.
Look, we didn't mean to insult you guys. really? you didn't mean to insult them? Sinographer, read back their remarks, please. she was like pond scum, like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff. where are all of you coming from? Get out of my office, you weirdo! don't talk to her that way. that's my wife. What? is that your wife? No, it isn't, but it doesn't matter. you two are fugly on the inside.
Steve, come on. you're our favorite host. favorite host? damn it! I'm telling Michael J. I'm not cool, guys. J? Why were you back there? What is my number one rule about Snl? the Abc rule. That's right. Abc. always be kind. you broke that rule. some are on your fire. What? just me? Why? Ben's the one who started this. can you Not talk about Ben that way? He's right here. that's really not cool. Oh, my God. come on, everybody, but Martin, let's go back to my apartment. you can all take one thing home with you.
Yes! Thank you, Steve! Yes! Awesome!
Now I'm all alone, and it's Christmas. you talk crap about my daughter? you're dead. |
TheOnion | Online_Dating_Streamlines_Rejection_For_Women | This Valentine's Day, millions of single women are wondering if they'll ever find that someone special. Onion News Network tech trends reporter Jeff Tate explains how the Internet has revolutionized the way women irrationally get their hopes up.
Thanks, Brandon.
As February 14th approaches, sad, lonely women across the country are using online dating websites in futile attempts to change the course of their pathetic lives. This rapidly aging overweight secretary from Houston began using Match.com earlier this year. In the past, she had to rely on the charity of friends to provide the dwindling trickle of men willing to meet her. But dating in the information age means she can seek out men who won't call back all on her own. I used to wait for my friends to tell me days later that my date wasn't interested.
Now I get an automated email telling me right away. While dating websites are not a new phenomenon, in recent years they have become safer and easier to use. Most women are able to sign up for an account alone or with only the help of their children from their first failed marriage. And innovative new features like instant messaging and video chat make destroying one's self-esteem as easy as clicking a mouse.
I've gotten so sick of being rejected in the bar scene. Now I get rejected on my own terms.
The site lets me upload photos and videos of myself so that guys don't even have to meet me in person to know that I'm not good looking enough for them. It really streamlines the process.
The endless string of first dates is unlikely to result in a lasting relationship, but it can occupy a woman's attention enough to distract her from killing herself. With membership up for a sixth year in a row, it's clear that internet dating sites like these women's lives are not going anywhere.
For the Onion News Network, I'm Jeff Tate. |
TheOnion | China_Celebrates_Status_As_Number_One_Polluter | Turning to world news now, party officials in Beijing are celebrating the findings of a new UN study, which for the first time ever listed China as the world's number one producer of air pollution. Joining us now from the Chinese embassy to discuss the study is Ambassador Shulan Ning.
Thank you for being with us, Mr. Ambassador, today. Thank you for having me. It is a very proud day for my country.
The labor of the people have made the sky black with the smoke of progress. We are overjoyed. We're looking now at the skyline of Huinan and you've called the smog levels there, sir, a grand symbol of Chinese supremacy. That looks really polluted. Thank you. The sky over China is now a rainbow of grace reflecting all the shades of our prosperity. And your celebration of this new ranking included a parade in the coal-rich manufacturing center of Huinan.
We're seeing video of that here right now. It looks like quite a parade you've got there. Yes. There was a hundred widows mock dance, a magnificent coal ash dragon kite, and the littlest children sang a song to the spirits of the poisoned fish. And here is the Beijing young people's vocal group performing an ode to acid rain, which I'm told falls on 30 percent of China. That's quite an achievement. Yes. We are very proud of that.
We have 16 of the world's 20 most air polluted cities. We have the most. And with emission levels up, what effect does this have on the people's health? Very big effect. Close to one million people will die of cancer in China this year. Cancer is a very modern disease. In fact, the UN report called this figure startling and noteworthy.
It was very kind of them. Chinese people will not be stopped by anything. |
cracked | 12_10_07_news_on_cracked_al_gore_ice_storms_oprah | It's Monday, December 10th, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm Spartacus. Oprah Winfrey joined Barack Obama several times over the weekend for campaign rallies to help improve Obama's standing with African-American voters. There it is folks, that's the bell. Racism is officially dead in America. Congratulations everyone, I'm really proud of us. A weekend ice storm across much of the United States has left a host of issues in its wake, flight delays, power failures, and of course several cases of rock hard nipples.
The journal Nature Neuroscience reports that scientists have discovered a way to turn homosexuality on and off by manipulating fruit fly genes. It's not clear yet whether the insect research has any application to human fruit's gene flies.
That's a thinking man's story, ladies and gentlemen. The Hollywood writer's strike will continue into 2008, sources say. With comedians like Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jay Leno, and David Letterman all still off the air, we here at the News on Cracked remain the only people making unfunny jokes about the news. Oh, this just in, the Writers Guild of America claims that its members have collectively had sex with all the spouses of the studio heads, even the dead ones. That ought to hold them for a while. CNN.com today discovered the worst picture of Al Gore in history. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back Tuesday, or I'm raising gas prices again. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_46_Tanya_Plibersek_MP | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello listeners and welcome to the Batooter Advocate radio show here for another week and alongside me here is Clancy as always, how are ya? Good thanks mate, yes you are listening to Clancy and Errol on Desert Rock FM, thank you for tuning in, if you live inside the Domitina Shire you've got us on the wireless, if you live outside you're obviously listening to us on the Domitina Podcast Network. Yes it's been a biggish week in politics hasn't it Clancy, in the political sphere, we've got a big political name to run us through what's been happening and to give us a bit of a preview of this election that's about to be called anytime soon if you ask me. Yes this week we are talking to Tanya Plibersek, Deputy Leader of the Opposition and the next Deputy Prime Minister of the country, she's a Sydney girl, inner city Sydney and we actually were lucky enough to speak to her today while we're down here ahead of the big showdown tonight. Yeah we spoke to her in person really enough down here in the increasingly sterile hell hole that is the Harbour Republic ahead of the great spectacle tonight, me and Clancy are going to, John Hoppawaty v Paul Gallon.
Yes yes it should be good, now we've been based down here for the last week or so and it's incredible to see just how far this city has fallen. Which is nowhere near how far the banks have seen to have fallen or maybe stumbled over is the best analogy Clancy. Well I guess the two are linked together I guess you could say Sydney and the banks this place is propped up by coked up financial sector employees, manipulating markets and really just treating this once rough, fun, wild Harbour Republic as their little playground. Yes this town really is a 69 between the Hillsong Church and the New South Wales Parliament isn't it, a lot of give and take but a lot more take from the Hillsong Church. Yes I think the Libs are hoping this whole thing will go away, both state government, New South Wales state government, Liberal Party as well as the federal government but I don't think it will. They're lucky they do have the NRL video leaks to throw in front of the media like a sacrificial effigy but I don't think the NRL sex scandals and what have you will affect people in the future as much as this Royal Commission will and it's interesting to see across the board people are pretty concerned about what's happening. We've got a lot of branch closures, we've got a lot of high powered executives resigning right across the big four which is Westpac ANZ, National Australia Bank and Commonwealth which as an acronym they have been referring to in the media as WANK.
Have they? Yes that's the new term for them that came out of Commissioner Kenneth Haynes report. Given the Libs and the Night Watchmen's recent run I find it hard to imagine they aren't sleeping pretty easy ahead of the big day Clancy. Like we said they've got it in the bag, they could Bradbury this but you never know in this day and age in this political climate.
Anyway plug time if she isn't sleeping easy we recommend Tanya Plibersek pops online and grabs herself a koala mattress. Perfect for a good night's sleep koala mattresses. But Tanya that's it if you are nervous about this election and not getting much sleep grab yourself a koala mattress but I don't think you'll have a problem sleeping in this city because there's no pubs open after 9pm which we've learnt during our stay down here.
Anyway here she is. Well here we are it's a couple of hours until Galland vs Hoppawaty. Everyone's looking forward to it. Australian boxing is really hitting its straps and we're very excited to see what happens tonight but actually while we're in town we've pulled up in the Sydney electorate I guess that's the actual title and we are speaking to the local member sitting here with us today Tanya Plibersek thank you for joining us.
I'm delighted that you're able to drop in on me in my electorate I just wasn't really expecting the caravan out the front and when someone said that you needed to hook up to the building sewerage I just don't really know how to do that I've never been asked that before by someone visiting the office. Well it's very lucky that we're in the heart of this town so you can just pour it down the gutter. Please don't do that go straight into Sydney Harbour. We'll take it down to Bondi that's how they used to do it. Or we'll just take it down the road to Albo's so it ends up in the Alexandria River and then up into Botany Bay so it's out of sight and out of mind. Close to the Skomo really. Wow yeah.
Anyway enough about our defecations we've noticed since being here that this is actually an interesting part of Sydney. Sydney's an interesting place it's I mean arguably quite sterile of light but you in this electorate you have Chinatown you have Redfern a bit of it. I do all of Redfern. And then obviously the entitlement belt further down to Newtown you kind of get a little bit of that yeah that's a diverse electorate really it really is for an inner city electorate. It is look it's one of the things I like best about my electorate there's so much history here so we've got I suppose if you look down around the rocks Millers Point what's now Barangaroo that was the beginning really of the Australian Union movement in lots of ways it was the hungry mile where people used to line up and hope for work and then began to organise and demand their rights. If you look at Erskineville it's another great example of during the 1930s depression when the landlords tried to throw people out if they couldn't afford their rent the residents used to get together and stop people from being thrown out of their homes the green bans. Redfern is the the heart of so many of our first indigenous controlled organisations the first in Aboriginal legal service the first Aboriginal medical service and we've got beautiful Sydney Harbour too I mean I don't know where else you'd want to live I love it here. So do you live in a terrace house? No I don't I live in a kind of 1912 bungalow sort of house. Right right well you know an interesting thing we've found coming from Western Queensland where there's a an interesting kind of setup with public housing and every town's got you know a couple houses up and down you know throughout the town on different streets but this traditionally has been a big house or area in Sydney and that kind of seems to be clashing a little bit with you know what's the the Nova rich and the and the I dare say there's a lot of Greens voters here who have spent a lot of time counting their franking credits they've been had a couple of properties are probably not in your electorate in which which they negatively geared. Yeah it is one of the really interesting things about the electorate it's got some of the most expensive housing in Sydney and still quite a lot of public housing we've got the Waterloo Towers we've got public housing at Woolloomooloo and Glebe that was gazetted when Tom Uren was the housing minister back in the Whitlam government.
The boxer. Yeah he was a boxer that's right.
I think for the most part the reason people move to the inner city though is because they like that diversity we have a pretty harmonious kind of community all in all. Because it is different to any other inner city electorate around the country say where Rudd was from up in Griffith in Brisbane which is pretty much your run-of-the-mill range rovers kind of you know four bedroom Queenslanders but pretty white and pretty vanilla yeah you've got you've got a wrangle different communities you know you do you how many different celebrations do you have to attend? Oh lots I'm going I've got a lot of lunar new year things happening at this time of year for example but and tomorrow is the Maronite Church have a celebration I'm going to the the Maronite Church today to talk to them about their celebration tomorrow like it's great it's people people move to areas like this because they want diversity and they like it. I think one of the problems is sometimes people move to the area because they want diversity and they like it and then their lives change they get a bit older they have a few kids and they hate it that they live next door to a pub so I think you have to rally Barry O'Farrell to bring the wars that change a notch right? Yeah I think you have to continue to love and support the diversity that first brought you here.
And are there many Slovenians around? No there's not many in the whole of Australia I think there's about 60,000 in the whole of Australia.
Really? Yep. And your old man he was he part of the scheme?
Yeah the Snowy Mountains Hydro Scheme yes well my dad when he first came to Australia came at a time when you had to work wherever you were sent for a few years and he was sent to parks to work on the parks to Broken Hill Railway as he went through the Bonnagella refugee camp and as my mum did but they didn't know each other at that time. He went to the camp first and then he went to parks he worked on the parks to Broken Hill Railway and then he was allowed to choose wherever he wanted to work and he heard that at the Snowy Mountains the food was better than it was on the railway so he went there and he worked there for quite a number of years he was working doing explosives in tunnelling and he's a plumber and gas fitter so he's doing a bit of that sort of work too. He worked in Queensland and the sugar plantations, concrete spraying the inside of big sugared tanks and all sorts of things. A lot of last names that are kind of I guess you'd say phonetically similar to yours in western Queensland. Eastern European, Middle European kind of last names and that's a big thing as well. Actually the old publican of Batuta Hotel, Signor Remienko, he was a Pole who landed in the back of Batuta as a part of one of those schemes. Have you seen much of that still happening regionally? Do you know what I think there was my parents generation, my mum came here and worked as a domestic worker in a shoe factory and they came here and they basically took whatever work was available to them and they were so grateful for it because they were out of a war zone and they had a roof over their heads and enough to eat and you see that right through obviously right through Sydney but wherever I travel around Australia quite often I have people coming up to me I said there's not many Slovenians but there's enough that for example just the other day when we're in the northern rivers a woman came up and spoke to me in Slovenian the parents had settled there earlier you see a lot of that post-world war migration right through Australia right through our regional areas and our cities it's good actually I love it.
So tell us about the road from from from going to journalism school which which I guess that a lot of young people think is a good idea these days still even though with the rapid decline in the in the media the press how the Herald now is owned by the same people who own the Today Show. Well I felt really mean because I was talking to students at Sydney University for one of those some you know UN youth days and one of them said I studied journalism like you what's your advice to me and I said get a second degree because it's such a tough world in journalism at the moment I think communications more generally there's always more jobs for people who want to do PR or you know social media and like the related fields of advertising but journalism is a really hard hard slog at the moment and very experienced people are losing their jobs or struggling to make ends meet I suppose I picked journalism because I was very interested in the world and making it a better place and it's just it's hard to say that without really sounding like a wanker yeah but I wanted to do something that was good for people that would make the country better. It's a very common story I mean we did an article the other day about a journalism student who had dreams of changing the world but has ended up having to write the recaps for married at first sight of course when that shows over they have to go on to under the bachelor but speaking of a second job you went from being a journalism graduate with with the world at your feet and somehow you ended up in the Labor Party. Slumming it in the Labor Party is what you want to say right? Well I joined the Labor Party actually when I was about 14 and I had a in my teens a bit of a come here go away feeling about the Labor Party I actually left for a while when we we'd promised national land rights legislation and we gave up on it and we started selling uranium to the front to France and that was still nuclear testing in the Pacific they were two sort of lines in the sand. But it's impossible to change the world on your own you actually have to work with other people who've got similar values and the Labor Party's got the most similar values to mine. So you were in the young labor movement yeah? Yes I was in young labor I wasn't quite as deep in it as I know you talked to Anthony Albanese sometimes he was kind of living and breathing at 24-7 I was again a bit ambivalent about it I suppose. So you weren't rallying over subway vouchers? We did actually occupy the Vice Chancellor's Office and we did also occupy the one of the hotels at Kings Cross that was holding a higher education conference at the time when they were trying to you know increase student fees and so on so I did a little bit of that sort of thing during my youth.
So I guess that was probably the only time in your life that you and Joe Hockey were on the same page about something I guess because he was he was a rampant campaigner for keeping education free. I don't recall ever being on the same page as Joe Hockey about anything.
Definitely there was an article today actually about there Uncle Tony Abbott Northern Beaches elder from the Warringah electorate special envoy. Have you asked Uncle Tony Mundine how he feels about Uncle Tony being called Uncle Tony? I just guess there's a lot of Uncle Tony's out there in Australia there's a lot of Anthony's in there you know the shock will become Uncle Tony one day I guess as well if he or Uncle Chuck but Abbott was talking today he's been doing a lot of collusion with the young Liberals.
What do you see when you see those young kids coming through the ranks who are kind of you know they've grown up either in Singapore, Piermont, Ascot. In the back of a Range Rover. Yeah back of a Range Rover there do you feel that that's a problem there's like a little bit of like mock beds and training happening around the country? Look I know you'd expect me to say I see evil hordes of devil spawn but I really don't I see for the most part a lot of idealistic young people who are sort of working their way through what they believe in and it's particularly true of our young labour people it just I don't know old people are very quick to say young people these days they're not interested they don't get involved they don't work hard and it's it's just not my experience of young people get involved in politics.
So is that kind of the story that you that you heard when you were first elected to Parliament at age 29 you know you had the father of the house you know the who was that? Ian Sinclair. Philip Ruddock. Oh Philip Ruddock. Yeah you know you know was was he like oh no the youth is in here now you know.
No I was really lucky I went in in 1998 and in the same intake in the for the Labor Party was Julia Gillard, Nicola Roxon, Kirsten Livermore, Michelle O'Byrne, Anna Burke like there was a bunch of us that went in that I was I was the youngest of the group but I wasn't that much younger than the others. I think it was much harder for people like Natasha Stott-Despoja because there was only one of her that she didn't have a bit of a kind of critical mass like we did and I think about like my friend Jeanette McHugh and she went into the Parliament the federal Parliament 35 years ago she was in the old Parliament House there weren't even any women's toilets she was the first woman from New South Wales of any political party to go into the federal Parliament only 35 years ago so a lot's changed in that time. Geez they had to build women's toilets. No she had to go and use the ones that the public used but there were no women's toilets in the MP's sections she had to go out and go into the you know the cafe down the road. Now do you find and you'll probably be quite generous to you you know your colleagues but do you find that there's like even now you're breaking ceilings you know in the Labor Party do you even feel like that now or in Parliament in general? I'm still often the only woman in the room when there's a meeting and I do think it's really important that people like me use the opportunity to identify mentor and promote other women because it just shouldn't be like that. Well you're almost at half in the Labor Party now it's 46%. Yeah we are and it's deliberate it's intentional and it takes years like you can't these things don't happen overnight yeah we had a national conference in 1994 when we did our first affirmative action rule changes and I was at that conference and there was big celebration but not everybody was happy there was a bunch of people that we had to fight and overcome to get affirmative action in the Labor Party at that time we were at just over 14% female representation in MPs was 14 and a half percent the Liberals were at 13.9% just under 14% so around about the same here we are today we're at almost 47% we'll hit 50% of the next election it'll be a rounding error six years ahead of the schedule we've set ourselves and the Liberals are still at about one in five yeah because they haven't taken deliberate action to do it you can't just wear a pair of red shoes and think that will fix gender inequality yeah oh we interviewed Miss Bishop while we were over there in Perth on tour do you think she's got a tough job tougher than she was like none did she let you hook the caravan up to her funny car slow be on the parking a few blocks away I I think it's shocking that her colleagues can't see past her gender to appoint the most popular person to replace Malcolm Turnbull you know what idiots are they but I also think Julie Bishop spent her whole career saying she's not a feminist and the Liberal Party didn't need affirmative action and these are kind of the consequences like if you're the deputy leader of a party for whatever it was 11 years and you have the opportunity to make a difference and you don't take that opportunity not for yourself but for other people these these are the the fruits of what you've sown now we want we want to talk about the the one that did come in after in in that spill surprise Scott Morrison I want to bet on that you know did you did you yeah I did we had a bit like about a year before the spill saying who with oh just a bunch of my colleagues who did we think did we think that Malcolm Turnbull would still be later at the next election and if not Malcolm who and we so we took bets whether it was Malcolm Turnbull Scott Morrison some people back Peter Dutton and I was the only person who thought it would be Scott Morrison yeah and I cleaned up that's good you know and you might you know you you must make a good politician if you can see that chaos unfolding you know of six months ahead because it really that that was a huge goal to get that yeah it was more luck than brilliance but thank you playing the odds yeah I won 400 bucks I got to donate it to a marginal seat campaign so there you go winners all around you spent more easy you spent more of your life living in the shire then Scott Morrison has who is currently the member for cook yeah and my husband says you can take the girl out of the shire but you can't take the shire out of the girl I don't know what he means by that do you still drink energy drink I don't drink energy drink god no but if there was if there was a West Coast cooler I would find it very hard to say no to that okay cruisers nowadays I believe the I know they are very different these days there's a lot more variety in the sweet alcoholic drink area I've got an 18 year old daughter and I've noticed some of this creeping into our home yeah well you know they're very alcoholic that's the difference between a six-pack of beer for the boys and a six-pack of there's a big difference in the cruisers and the yeah and the and the mid-strength 4x golds if you're being responsible do you know we had a party for my daughter's 18th birthday the thing that surprised me most was the beer that was most popular was the low carb beer what's happened to the young people well well it's it's it to be honest so that's to be expected here in the in the you know cogs of Sydney oh are you gonna now insult my electric where people go to the gym a lot because they don't do any outdoor work you know where they like to look good in pictures and go to the beach you know so they're all they're all shredding not really plans that surprising here in the f-45 belt of Sydney I guess everyone likes to get low-carb beers I mean Battuta United breweries are yet to make one but they do see a high carb beer with with extra carbs in how how was growing up in the shire that's great yeah really good yeah this is like pre riots yes it was it was before the Cronulla riots but I went to school of about 800 girls and I reckon there was half a dozen of us that came from a culturally and linguistically diverse background really not many of us it was it was a lot of people that had settled there after the Second World War there was a lot of return soldier settlement there and their offspring stayed it's a beautiful beautiful part of the world like right next to the Royal National Park beautiful beaches beautiful rivers it's great so tell us about Scott Morrison when you look at him you see you can see through that you can see through that Cronulla he just looks Eastern suburbs to me I expect him to be wearing boat shoes when I see him on the weekends Panama hat Turnbull store yeah I think he would be more at home paddling a kayak on the harbour then I don't know having a swim at jib and beach I mean I don't even know whether people's personal lives are that relevant to how they do their jobs I suppose I'll just leave it at that but scomo is also he's a pretender we'll move on yeah sure we are one question we ask all of our politicians is who is the villain in Parliament and sometimes I answer didn't tell he definitely did yeah it's hard to keep it to one I'd have to say Peter Dutton's probably top of my list mm-hmm as in you reckon he could be in a movie like the the way he operates well it's not a movie I'd want to watch it's not a movie I'd let the kids watch that's for sure you wouldn't let your kids watch Harry Potter I let my kids watch Harry Harry Potter that's not as scary as a whole Voldemort film so had so have you ever been in like in a lift with him or something you know where you just like like a dementor there he is makers I remember about a year ago cuz I remember about a year ago oh you hopped on a plane and he was there in business class right at the front and you know it was just a bit like there he is in physical proximity to him more than once I've shaken his hand now that would have been really hard to navigate through the the gay marriage debate that would have been hard because you've been you're on that well before your colleagues and you're you're on that for decades yeah do you feel like a lot of people kind of jumped on the bandwagon with that or and is that how it's meant to happen that's exactly how it's meant to that that means you've been successful if you if you take an issue from an unpopular difficult or fringe issue and make it mainstream you've been successful that's what you need for legislative change no I just I just need to ask you one regional question which I hope you might have an answer to as we saw you know the last time the Labor Party was was in in power in regards to regional Australia you weren't shy about making a a knee-jerk snap decision that has affected an entire industry still to this day which was the ban on live exports and harmed a lot of people up there in northern Australia and now we've got the the biggest hot-button topic in regional Queensland and New South Wales which is the Murray Darling should labor come come to power this year how long until we'd see a full ban on growing and the export of cotton well I don't think anybody's contemplating that and it's not it's not what the water gets used for that's relevant it's how much water we're taking out of the system and how much of that is being taken legally and within the limits that have been set and how much of it's been taken in excess of those limits that we really need to look at I think yeah because you know right as we speak North Queensland's flooding Tasmania is on fire and fruits falling off trees in South Australia and the sun shining in Sydney yeah everything everything I mean I guess it always is and that's the problem but do you think there will be kind of what's the position on that kind of stuff you know the changing climates the the radical kind of environmental disasters that we're seeing around the country that can be you know sped up through cotton farming the is do you now have to work with the industries alongside the environment is that something that anyone's even considering okay I don't think you can pick out one off you can't pick out one off problems and say this is caused by climate change and you can't pick off you know one industry or one source of pollution and say that's the problem the the best and most effective way of reducing the risk of climate change is to lower carbon pollution in the atmosphere and we should do that in the most methodical and cost-effective way we can and you know that's what our policies have always been about putting a price on carbon reducing the likelihood of pollution and the same with looking after our water there's no point in picking one as you were saying before one villain and saying that's the problem we have to have a methodical policy that looks at the river system as a whole and our water water usage as a whole I know that's a really boring way of responding to your question but that's the truth like that's that is actually the complex work of government for guillotines so as as a member of the Labor Party though how often do you have to deal with with you know the the true representatives of regional Australia the National Party like talk to you a little bit about the National Party I know plenty of I know plenty of farmers who are in the National Party who have always been in the National Party it's sort of like growing up belonging to a particular church you don't really question it and and I kind of see the appeal in some ways like some of the National Party my friends in the National Party are really charming people and you spoke to Michael McCormack I think he's a very nice man and Paul Neville who very sadly passed away not so long ago he was just a really delightful gentleman country gentleman but you look at the policies of the Nationals and what they do for regional Australia and I really do think they let their communities down like one example is the support of the National Party for cuts to school funding to needs-based school funding the poorest schools the ones that would have disproportionately benefited from extra needs-based school funding are in in regional areas that there's a that's why Adrian Piccoli the former Nationals Education Minister in New South Wales was such a strong supporter of the Gonski education reforms because he knew that country schools would be better off you can't kind of just stand you know say you're standing up for for regional communities or country communities and then agree to cuts to that the universities as well like some of the worst cuts to universities hit regional universities because the city universities Sydney University or University of New South Wales they can just take a few thousand extra full fee paying overseas student that makes up the difference for them regional universities don't have that flexibility so Nationals if they say there for country areas should stand up for country people I mean it has been too long we've got metal detectors down at Battuta Ponds High you know that's it's a rough school to work at and you know we could we could use a few more resources down there particularly in the workshop yeah I think the kids have been crying out for air conditioning too you know you've got the kids at the Hooton School that's a local private school there in Battuta Grove they've had air conditioning since you know the country was using pounds and pence and you've got these people who have to send their kids to public school because lo and behold they don't come from a lot of money and and and their kids have had to had to suffer the injustice of of going to a school on the edge of the Simpson desert that doesn't have air conditioning well I know the Queensland government the Labor government is air conditioning a whole lot more schools the New South Wales Labor Party has committed that it would if it wins the next election but of course air conditioning is important so that teachers can do their jobs and kids can learn properly but there's so much more to do in our schools as well and we've got a government at the moment that's restored funding to Catholic and independent schools but continues to stand by a cut of 14 billion dollars to public schools that educate two-thirds of our kids so one of the election promises the Labor Party's come out with in the lead up to this election is to give more money to public schools yeah yeah 14 billion dollars extra and you can look up the fair go for schools website and see how much extra would your local public school would get in the first three years of the Labor government right led you into that one that was a good one yeah thank you what would you say is the most you'd left me like a little trail of crumbs to follow to get to that didn't you even got a website in yeah what would you say is the most unpopular policy the labors running into this election with they're all terrific policies no but on the like what you know you're gonna have to sometimes you have to you know go against popular opinion for what you believe is there anything like that right now I'm interested to hear more about another one of your election policies and that's a shake-up of the of the negative gearing and franking credits which are Judah okay so there's two policies there the negative gearing and capital gains tax for investment housing and the franking credits for dividends okay well let's talk about housing for a sec if you're currently negatively gearing there is no change you won't have to sell your property there is no change for you but if you want to negatively gear in the future you'll have to do it by investing in new property and the aim of that is to get channel people into supporting more construction of more housing so we add to rental stock in Australia yeah we're also reducing the the capital gains tax discount we just don't think it's fair that someone gets more help to buy this seventh investment property than a young first homeowner gets to buy their first or a renter gets to have affordable rental we can't afford to keep doing it it seems logical yeah well it's that's about 30 billion dollars that we're not going to spend on subsidies there that we can spend on schools and hospitals as well the other one the dividend imputation I honestly think people's eardrums will start bleeding if I explain the background and detail of this there's a reason most people don't understand it it's because they don't use it in fact 96% of Australians don't touch this stuff what it is basically is a tax refund paid in cash to people who haven't paid tax so yeah tax refund paid in cash to people who haven't paid tax it it the the vast bulk of this benefit goes to people with self-managed super annuation funds and of that more than half goes to people with more than 2.4 million dollars in their self-managed super so it's really going to people by and large with very large self-managed super funds and if someone tells you that they're losing ten thousand dollars a year income that means they've got four hundred and sixty thousand dollars worth of shares that's on top of their family home that's on top of all their other investments so we're not going to cop this sort of scare campaign that this is about pensioners or retirees it's about a fraction of people with very large assets getting a cash payment from the government that in many cases is bigger than the age pension yeah and now they're complaining so basically what you're saying is KAB what's KAB yeah what's kill kill all boomers no I'm not saying that at all I'm saying that we're giving people a lot of notice if they want to change their arrangements they can but this is costing now this subsidy is costing more than we spend on public schools right as a Commonwealth government like how can that be fair and it's not sustainable because it's growing all the time correct me if I'm wrong this was this this this policy was first brought in under Costello as a bit of a gift to the liberal base yeah they've done a bit of so and dividend imputation the the old-style dividend imputation was brought in by Paul Keating and basically it meant that if a company's paid tax on its profits yeah and you get a payment from that company in the form of a dividend you don't pay tax again yeah it's to avoid double taxation and then Peter Costello said oh hang on if you're not paying enough tax to get that tax rebate we're just going to give it to you as a cash payment and when he brought it in it cost about five hundred million dollars a year and now costs well over six billion closing in on eight billion dollars in the next couple of years so it has just blown out exponentially and people are arranging their whole retirement income to get this cash payment from the Commonwealth yes can't do that yeah do you think there are people out there looking for loopholes yeah oh a hundred percent I mean it's not a loophole it's a perfectly legal thing to do but it's not sustainable and it's not fair that it's not fair that you get this cash payment from the Commonwealth because then no one's paid tax on that profit the company hasn't paid tax and you've any well the company's paid tax and you've just received that as a cash rebate who's paid the tax on the profit just one more thing people's eardrums bleeding no no no no this is this is the like that this is great for our listeners is great for us it's great for our town because there are a lot of people like you said we don't who aren't invested yeah you don't understand why and if all the media are talking if you get a dollar of a part pension you're not affected pensioners are exempt yeah so if you can own your own home you can have income from superannuation and other assets if you get a dollar of a pension as a part pension you're not affected either this is a narrow group of people are you not surprised that now Channel 9's Fairfax Sky News and everything else owned by Murdoch are talking about this like this is the make or break for the election I'm not surprised that the Liberals and their media cheer squad in News Limited think this is the most important issue today but it's not the thing that people write I had two public forums this week at neither of them did anybody raise this as an issue because it sounds like a big call yeah when you're dealing with a stray has a very aging population and there's a lot of people with nest eggs but most people aren't affected superannuation are affected most people being led to believe they are as well yeah and that's a scare campaign and we have to we have to count on the scare campaign but honestly we want to spend money making sure that every Australian school child gets a great education we want to make sure that every three and four year old get to go to preschool we want to make sure that people can afford to go to their GP and I'll be putting their hand in their pocket for out-of-pocket expenses for the GP and specialists that if they get to the hospital that can be seen in emergency or get the surgery they need of all of the things that we want to do is our greatest priority helping someone by the eighth investment property or making sure that someone's got a couple of million bucks in super continues to get a cash payment from the government that they they don't that they're not too high up the list for us in terms of priorities I know it's hard for people who have something now who have to give it up but as a nation we can't afford for that expense to keep increasing well we're just coming up to the top of the hour I think we've just gone past a 40-minute mark Tanya thank you for giving us your time today and I guess that next time you come up to see the tree knowledge buckled and you'll have to hang around and come and see us I'll look forward to it and and yeah like we will see you know your job title will inevitably change in the next few months possibly Deputy Prime Minister if Bill doesn't manage to Hillary Clinton this alley-oop we'll we'll see you in two I see I guess fingers crossed thank you all right coming up to the top of the hour here up next is the news with Janine and then there's hello sport until next time I'm Errol Parker stay out of the pokies don't talk to the cops they aren't your friends they will ruin your life and I'm Clancy overall you be kind to each other you've any well the company's paid tax and you've just received that as a cash rebate who's paid the tax on the profit just one more thing people's eardrums bleeding no no no this is this is the like that this is great for our listeners is great for us it's great for our town because there are a lot of people like you said we don't who aren't invested yes you don't understand why and if all the media talking if you get a dollar of a part pension you're not affected pensioners are exempt yeah so if you can own your own home you can have income from superannuation and other assets if you get a dollar of a pension as a part pension you're not affected either this is a narrow group of people are you not surprised that now Channel 9's Fairfax sky news and everything else owned by Murdoch are talking about this like this is the make or break for the election I'm not surprised that the Liberals and their media cheer squad in News Limited think this is the most important issue today but it's not the thing that people write I had two public forums this week and neither of them did anybody raise this as an issue because it sounds like a big call yeah when you're dealing with a stray has a very aging population and there's a lot of people with nest eggs but most people aren't affected most people being led to believe they are as well and that's a scare campaign and we have to we have to count on the scare campaign but honestly we want to spend money making sure that every Australian school child gets a great education we want to make sure that every three and four year old get to go to preschool we want to make sure that people can afford to go to their GP and I'll be putting their hand in their pocket for out-of-pocket expenses for the GP and specialists that if they get to the hospital that can be seen in emergency or get the surgery they need of all of the things that we want to do is our greatest priority helping someone by the eighth investment property or making sure that someone's got a couple of million bucks in super continues to get a cash payment from the government that they they don't that they're not too high up the list for us in terms of priorities I know it's hard for people who have something now who have to give it up but as a nation we can't afford for that expense to keep increasing well we're just coming up to the top of the hour I think we've just gone past a 40-minute mark Tanya thank you for uh for giving us your time today and I guess that next time you come up to see the tree knowledge buckled and you'll have to hang around and come and see us I look forward to it and and yeah like we will see you know your job title will inevitably change in the next few months possibly deputy prime minister if bill doesn't manage to Hillary Clinton this alley-oop we'll we'll see you in two I see I guess fingers crossed thank you all right coming up to the top of the hour here up next is the news with Janine and then there's hello sport until next time I'm Errol Parker stay out of the pokies don't talk to the cops they aren't your friends they will ruin your life and I'm Clancy overall you be kind to each other |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Most_Liveable_City_A_Downgrade_Some_Perfect_Timing_More_June_24 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Hello and welcome to your weekly Batutah news bulletin. It's been a busy few days here in the newsroom out in the heart of the channel country.
I'm Wendell Hussey. We've got Effie Bateman in the studio with me once again. Effie, how are you? I'm doing really well Wendell.
That's the way. We are building up ahead of steam as we round out the week. Now we're going to start off with some national news which caused a little bit of a stir. It came out yesterday and it's been confirmed that the experts who have named Melbourne as Australia's most liveable city mustn't have read the news for the last couple of years. Yes, released this week, the Economist Intelligence Unit's 2022 survey has Melbourne placed 10th on the list globally and leading the way for Australia, which is interesting given that Melbourne has been the lockdown capital of the world for the last couple of years. Yeah, but apparently these liveability people don't include whether you can leave your house as one of the factors for their list or whether you have good personal hygiene and don't cough on people. We did attempt to reach out to a spokesperson for the city of Melbourne for this story and they politely told us, quote unquote, to get fucked. So there you go.
If you are interested, the top cities in the world were Vienna, Copenhagen and Zurich. They were the top three, with experts seemingly assuming that everyone earns more than 100,000 euros a year.
And speaking of people who aren't earning 100,000 a year, the nation's crypto boys have had to downgrade their car forecasts from Lambos to 1992 Mazda 121s with no clear coat. Yeah, no clear coat and fucked piston rings, which is pretty grim. We spoke to two local investors about the recent crypto crashes this week to get their updated financial forecast for the year ahead. The self-described all eggs in one basket investors named Liam Taylor and Alistair Dollahyde said that things aren't looking great at the moment.
That's right. Despite telling followers on social media that they would be driving a Lamborghini Huracan. It's actually Huracan. I thought it was Huracan. It reads as Huracan, doesn't it? Yeah, Huracan.
In the near future, those predictions have changed, but all is not lost because as Dollahyde told us, and I quote here, this latest crash is just the massive institutional banks manipulating the price to get in lower for the upcoming crypto spring where we will see massive growth. Fight on, Liam. And as Tim Hooper commented on that story, he said the Mazda 121s with no clear coats have got an NFT, which translates to a nearly fucked transmission. Very good from Tim here. That's a good one there, Tim.
Weather news now, and La Nina has wrapped up just in time for the coldest and darkest part of winter. That's right. The Bureau of Meteorology has declared that La Nina is officially over for now, with the weather body predicting there's a high chance it could be back to fuck up spring instead. Yes, great news, that is. The weather pattern associated with constant rain and drizzle has finally eased off just in time for the bitterest, coldest part of the cold season. Perfect if you've got a sad boy or sad gale winter planned, I guess. But if we look ahead, the winter months will start easing in six to eight weeks, just in time for that lovely gale force wind season, which blows you all over the place. And if that all goes to plan and the forecasters are right, the end of that gale force wind season would take us right back in to a spring La Nina.
Would do wonders for anyone with allergies, I'd imagine, isn't it? Yes, yes. I'm not looking forward to it at all.
Time for some exciting sports news now, and Fortitude Valley Cab Rank has been chosen as the official judo venue for the 2032 Brisbane Olympics. Yes, really innovative problem solving from the people behind the local Olympic movement. The original plan was actually to host the fights outside of the Treasury Casino, but it's alleged the tender documents were mysteriously misplaced on more than one occasion, which the local government blamed on staffing issues and poor file management. Anyway, they couldn't get it out the front of the Treasury Casino. So thinking on their feet, the organisers have designated the cab rank as the right place to host the event. There is some chat about early qualifiers being held in a kebab shop, and it's also believed that there might be some boxing being hosted in the valley as well. Yeah, really putting a Brisbane spin on the event.
I like that. You know, each Olympic city is supposed to kind of give it their own flavour and their own feel, and I think this is a really nice touch. As Deion Sanders commented on that story on Instagram, actually, one of our popular platforms, he said he hopes the judo event in the valley gets unofficially branded as Democracy Manifest in the Valley. Isn't it Democracy Manifest?
That's the one, Effie, I believe. Fun fact, that was in the valley. Was it Charles Dozer? I can't remember the name, but that famous video occurred in the mall. I see you know your niche meme video as well, Effie.
Alright, that's where we'll leave it. We hope you've had a good week and we'll talk to you soon. Bye bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | pudge_solomon_jason_wants_to_put_solomon_in_a_home_snl | Here's no man. hey, no man. you can't bring that old shit back to your bed. No man. hey, no man. you need it Boy. hey, if you an Irishman, I'm a head ram. you know what I'm saying? I ain't doing nothing. black nigga in the place talking about you Irishman. you ain't doing fools. Hey, boys. it's all the man, man. what's up, man? what's up? what you been? where you been? where I been? where I been?
What you been? where you been? where I been? where I been? Let me tell you what it is. this is some artwork. look at this. see that? see that picture? What is that, man? what is that? the ugliest thing I've ever seen? What, that Et or something? that ain't no Et. that's me. that's me, man. who do that, man?
Jason Lilboy, my nephew. yeah, you sure he likes you? yeah, he love me, man. What you trying to be funny? that boy love me. I love him.
Yeah, yeah. he was about my house to them new watch the parade on Tv. he probably scared that lilboy death. old ugly man like you. where you going with ugly? your mommy's ugly. you know what I'm saying? I ain't old, need'em. young enough to bash you up the side of your head. what is the fact? Uncle Solomon! what is that? Uncle Solomon. hey! my name's A. how you doing? what's up. what's up? the nice stuff. look at that suit you got on there. touch your stuff. go and set it. look at that there. look at that. say hello to the man, man. tell the person what your name is. Well, this is my friend, my son, Jason, and my nephew. look at his shoes. you got a little shoes. tell them what your shoes are called. your shoes are called Lotto-mother, man. yeah, and you've got a lot of money, man. come on over and say hi to Fudge. how you doing, Fudge? Fudge, man. she's my nephew. Yeah. uh, tell Uncle Salvin. tell him what you do.
Well, I'm A, I'm A, I'm A, I'm A, I'm A- he ain't got a macologist. Yeah. Uncle Salvin, you still don't know how to pronounce the word. it's gynecologist. Yeah, I don't care how you pronounce it, man. I don't use that word every day. I walk up to people on the street and say, hello, how is you? I don't walk up to nobody and say, got a Macologist. can you believe this, man? my mama's, my mama's brother, huh? I can't understand the difference between the two of them. If you can't understand the difference between me and your mama and you or got a macologist, tell them a woman out there is incredible. you know what I'm saying? make it round the row, please. come on, come on, Uncle Salvin.
Now, you get your stuff together, and let's get out of here. let's go. Oh, where we going? you know we already settled this. it's been decided. Yeah, I know what I said. I ain't going.
I ain't going to live with no old folks home. it's not an old folks home. Well, who live there? old folks, right? And they call it a home. that's what I call an old folks home. Donald, man, listen to them. you might like it out there with all them old ladies. I don't want no old ladies. you know me, I like them foxy-fines with a tight, shiny black man. you know what I mean? tight, shiny, all crazy. Uncle Salvin, I am worried about you. you can't do what you used to do. if you don't want to live at that place, then you can get your things together and come live with me. How's your house?
Yeah, that's right. you can stay in the room next to Tony. I can't stay in the room with no snot and no Tony. that little boy here is blowing nose. that boy nose always running. always drippin' now. and you give him tissue as much. you say, blow your nose, boy. he put that tissue up there and go, make all that noise. don't drop a snot. Be in that napkin.
Uncle Salvin, I'm not going to stand here begging. You come on home with me. I told you I ain't going, right? Uncle Salvin, this is the best place. your uncle made up his mind, man. cranky old men?
And you a Gamma-cologist, Paul. gynecologist? Hey, look, Guy No, Guy Mo, I don't care what you call it and still looking at crutches for a living. ain't no way to make no living. you hear what I mean? Jason the Crouch Watcher.
I'm going to go home now, but I want you to call me next week. let me know how you're doing, Okay? I ain't got to call you if you like, I got money. I'll keep me a little fit to sit in my pocket. All right. take care, sir. teach that boy how to blow his nose. Man, that was a good deal.
Why didn't you go with him, man? I can't go here with him.
I got me a good deal here. I got Bob, Lou Bair, Steve, and the piano, glass of beer, and a scrunchy old man with a tooth measure. I love you here. play that little song you play. dance ball. get up and dance ball. |
dropout | Everyone_Should_Eat_Bugs_And_You_Already_Do | Hello chefs, today you must use the everyday ingredients in your baskets to prove to Miranda that even though she doesn't realize it, she actually eats bugs all the time. If your dish doesn't cut it, you will get squished. Okay, open them up. And our contestants have bugs, bugs, and more bugs. My strategy is to tell the truth. If you've ever eaten a lobster or a crayfish, you've eaten a bug. They're both arthropods. That's very smart.
Lobsters are essentially spiders of the sea. I'm never eating a lobster again. A bug's hips shall never pass these lips.
Oh, the truth is, bugs are already in most of our foods, and there's nothing unsafe or even unhealthy about it. Our produce and canned foods are full of little bug bits. Broccoli, spinach, and canned tomatoes can contain hens, legs, thoraxes, and even entire insects. How is that allowed? Until I become a chef full time, I still have my day job at the FDA, and we allow these bugs in there because eating them is totally safe.
In fact, the only reason the FDA puts limits on bug parts and food at all is so people don't notice them. Generally, our policy is if people don't notice, they won't care.
Well, now I like what I'm seeing here with the chocolate. Chocolate is full of bugs. Yes, great move. In fact, if you eat 100 pounds of chocolate, you'll have eaten one entire pound of bugs. There are even bugs in certain drinks. Up to 5% of the hops in each batch of beer is bugs. I love a hoppy beer.
I do not. I think we're done here.
Yes, we are, with the dishes that contain bugs unintentionally. Our chefs were also asked to prepare a dish of common foods that contain bugs on purpose. Chefs, please step back. Nice choice by Chef Maylene here. Yes, the red dye found in milkshakes, yogurt, and sausages is often made from scale insects. I've created dishes that really represent me and the bugs. Well, do we have a decision? Chef Aaron, I'm afraid you've been squished. Chef Aaron, you did demonstrate why humans unknowingly ingest around one to two pounds of flies, maggots, and other bugs hidden in their food each year. But at the end of the day, the execution just wasn't there. Be well. |
cracked | 5_evil_organizations_we_wouldn_t_mind_joining_in_movies_after_hours | Okay, I get one guy being an evil genius, okay? If you got enough money and resources and history of abuse to like stop the Earth's rotation or hold the moon hostage, I get that. But what I do not get are the hundreds of henchmen that follow him. I mean, how do you build and operate a laser designed to blow up the moon and then get out of bed every morning being like, you know what?
I think this is a pretty sweet gig. You know, there are people who go to jobs they hate every single day in real life, right? But this is different. This isn't marketing cigarettes to kids or making them make rib or whatever.
These people are actively participating in holding entire continents hostage or threatening to end the entire human race. And most of them are scientists. Is the science field that saturated that they have to resort to building back alley doomsday devices just to make ends meet? Yeah, how could one man get hundreds of scientists and entire army to follow his crazy genocidal ideals?
I, for one, would not see that coming. Mmm, I'm with Katie on this one. Hitler had henchmen, but half of them are always trying to assassinate him. You never see that in a Bond movie. Those guys are loyal up into the fiery end.
Ah!
The real question is how did Dr. No run such a tight ship? Oh, maybe they're allowed to personalize their deaths with knick-knacks. Oh, and I bet they throw killer Klausmus parties. Matching 401KGB. Great dental plan. Well, because of Jaws?
What? No, I just think that'd be nice. All right. So, what would it take? What would what take? If you, as you are, were interested in getting into the business of henchmen-ing, for whom would you hench? Oh, easy.
I'd be one of the League of Shadows. Razo Ghul's henchmen. I get to fight corruption and justice all over the world.
Yeah, and get your ass kicked on a frozen lake for ten years. I mean, you'd spend most of your life training in the middle of nowhere. And think of the career skills I would be building. Also, unless Bruce Wayne learned to Batman in three months, that compound is in the middle of permanent winter.
I mean, there is no weather-proofing whatsoever. Just a bunch of open-air windows. Katie, you forget.
I grew up on a ski mountain, where other people merely adopted the cold. I was born in it. Plus, I stealthily stole a throwing star from them all when I was 11. I used to huck it at snowmen, so...
Not exactly starting from scratch. But you're not just fighting injustice. You're taking out cities, tearing whole civilizations down.
I know. I'd be like an Old Testament angel, just a really thorough one. I could finally have some work that I could believe in. How many henchmen can say that? Sure. You live in Los Angeles, though. This would unquestionably be one of the first stops on their list. Oh, s***. Yeah, you're right. Damn, I just found a really good tax guy, too. Oh, this must be how Bruce Wayne felt.
Alright, I rescind. I rescind!
Branding iron, explosions, etc. It's funny you should mention taxes, because that is precisely why I'd go to work for Lex Luthor from Superman, LexCorp, or the Umbrella Corp from Resident Evil. Basically, any of your standard corp sell out? Was it ever even about the henching for you, bro? Do you really want to know why people would go to work for morally bankrupt masterminds day in and day out, Katie? Do you really want to know? Because I'll tell you.
It's all about the green babies, the presidential bundles, the green kindling. No way those nicknames won't stick.
Stop embarrassing money. They do it for the money. Just a ton of money. But what good is all that money if you can't disclose your earnings every year? If you work for a bad guy who wants to liquefy the Pentagon, or whatever, you can't spend any of that money. You'd have to come up with some elaborate laundering scheme, and even then, the government is specifically looking for you. But a for-profit legally incorporated business, on the other hand... Has an entire financial team and gets audited every year?
Oh my god, that's so smart. Even if your guy gets caught and heads roll, they're not going to go after the low-level guy who's just doing his job. In fact, that's the guy who gets promoted when your CEO gets hooked into space by some superhero. W-2s, stock options, room to advance, boom, best henchman gig ever.
F*** that. Which part? The financial security or the plausible deniability? Both. All of it.
You work to live. You don't live to work. The rules don't change just because you hench, man. You don't join the ranks of evil just to get tied up in bureaucracy and corporate policy. The whole reason you made the death ray in the first place was to burn all of those smug suits in their high-rises. Plus, it would be exhausting to be a henchman for an evil corporation. One minute you'd be routing flights for Lexair, and the next second you're expected to build an island in the middle of the ocean? You're not qualified for that.
No one is. He's right.
I mean, an entire company's mission statement can just shift on a dime because the CEO's holding a grudge that quarter. I mean, what do you even put as your goals on your yearly review? That's why I'm going to keep it simple.
If I have to be a henchman, I want to be somewhere where I'll enjoy my off hours or, God willing, vacation time. So I'm going to work for Blofeld, from Bond, Syndrome, from The Incredibles, really any villain with a volcanic lair. How is spending your free time inside an active volcano any better than my thing? Ah, but it's not what's inside the volcano that counts, Daniel. Lava, it's what's outside. An island paradise. God, I'm such an idiot for always going first. I challenge you to name any movie with a single bleary-eyed sleepy henchman in a volcano lair.
You can't, because they're all spending their off hours recharging at the beach. Ooh, sun, warm sapphire waters, white sand. Melanoma, jellyfish, sand, again? Why do people think the beach is relaxing?
Have you smelled it there? Fine. Be a cubicle monkey, but while you're shuffling through W-2s at an H&R block, I'm going to be living outside of any government's jurisdiction, rent-free, on beachfront property with actual monkeys. When the hero drops by with a gun, those henchmen aren't just defending their lair. They're defending their sweet way of life.
But you've seen what happens any time there's a base in an active volcano. Either it erupts, killing everyone, or collapses into lava, killing everyone.
So you die, fast. That's the cold, hard truth of being a henchman. I made too close, that. The sooner you come to terms with your shortened lifespan, the sooner you can move on and find the best place to spend your last few days. There's not going to be time to advance at Umbrella Corp or let your stock options vest at Lex Corp. You're going to be splattered all across a facility wall by the hero way before any of that stuff happens. Being a henchman is like getting a terminal illness. All you can do is figure out your best option. Drinking out of a coconut and watching the sunset while you still can.
It's weird none of us picked the Foot Clan from Ninja Turtles. We're teens, Daniel. We have families that love us. Plus none of us skateboard.
And pretty much the only thing that Hideout had to offer was playing video games with you buds. Online gaming would have ruined their entire infrastructure.
Idiot April O'Neill really dropped the ball on that scoop. Hey, be easy on April. She's doing her best. Journalism is a tough racket.
And wearing a jumpsuit is not easy. You have to pee. It takes you 20 minutes. Yeah, you get naked to pee, which is just weird always. Everyone has to get naked to pee. No, not fully naked.
I do. Hello, YouTube. Thank you for watching the henchman episode of After Hours. Please click this button that is somewhere around here to subscribe and check out the rest of After Hours throughout the rest of our channel. Yeah, if you agree with anybody's points in this or you think that they had the best point, please feel free to let us know in the comments down below here, should you venture into that dangerous territory. And also, if there's anything else you want us to cover in After Hours, let us know.
We might just do it and we won't pay you a thing. Fun fact, Soren wrote in the stage directions that everyone is eating pie, specifically because he wanted pie, and also had our producer, Brendan, get him an additional pie just for himself, just separate from the shoot. This is what we do. Because he's a child. And I'm allergic, so I can't have any of this. Oh, good. |
dropout | winter_real_talk | Whoa, what's up, dude? What do you mean? What's up, dude?
Look at us. We're identical, man. This isn't supposed to happen. Nah, man, we're different. Look, I got these pointy- Whoa, no, this thing is- Whoa. Yeah, we are the same.
What's this mean? I don't know. I don't like it.
Do you guys think it's strange to leave a random plate of cookies out overnight? Nah, it's cool. We're just left out so Santa Claus can eat us. Oh, okay. Wait, that's what people do with cookies? Oh, I'm not feeling so hot, guys.
Don't you do it! Don't you die on us, man! If you go, we all go! That doesn't happen anymore with the newer Christmas lights. We're not the newer lights, asshole! Shit, stay with us, man! Fight it!
Don't feel too bad, man. Look at me. I mean, my buttons are all crooked. I'm a mess. Fuck you. Look, just break off one of your points or something.
This is driving me nuts, man. We can't be the same. I'm an individual! Watch out, watch out, watch out, man! Oh, god damn it!
We've melted together! And we're like Siamese! Cats! Look, we're already finishing each other's sentences.
This is gonna be great. So you're telling me that we're left out here like some kind of sacrifice to appease that fat god of presence? Yeah. He likes chocolate chips. That idiot made me way too top-heavy. I'm gonna tip.
I just know it. I see a bright light. Me? Is it me?
No! Stay away! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_78_hello_sport_nrl_finals_edition | Well welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show, you re joined by Clancy Overall, myself and Errol Parker, editors of the Petuta Advocate and this week we have special guests in the shape of Tom and Eddie from Hello Sport and of course they re well known for their unqualified opinions and unwavering bias which they deliver each week on the Hello Sport podcast to the punters and the dribblers. It s an exciting time for rugby league football gentlemen. Thank you very much for having us Clancy and Errol. What a pleasure, an absolute pleasure to be here.
Now two time, two time sort of invitees to this award winning show. There s been two before you that were repeat visitors.
Tied to Ivassa. Yep, bam bam and. From the area.
The great cricketer.
So illustrious coming. That s it, rarefied air. Moving up time but we know our rugby league football so if you want to dissect the coming finals and the season that was. Yeah. Then there s no two better men to do it in my humble opinion. Yes.
Well the first time we spoke to you we discussed, it was at the start of the season, the NRL season, we were discussing the schizophrenic off season that was. A lot of like some intense energy coming from the lads there. It was a big off season.
It was. The biggest in history? Yeah arguably. Yeah. You could certainly, it d be top three, put it that way. Top three. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Obviously there s ASC and BSC before and after social media. The biggest off season of all time since social media, easily. Yeah, easy.
I think this is way bigger than you know the one that they had in 1942. You know I guess that was a pretty long off season. Good guess when you're fired up. Yeah that was a particularly long one but thankfully for rugby league at that time social media was not present.
Thank you for like, I mean I guess the Dogs of War iconic bad boy team of 2004. Yeah. They would be like incredibly thankful.
There was a Parramatta bad boy era, I can t remember when that was. Honestly if you speak to any rugby league man worth their salt pre social media it was almost just like, to a man they all go oh thank fuck we didn't have social media in our days mate, oh geez that would have been a complete nightmare. Which is where the ASC BSC metric becomes so imperative because it's all, you can't really compare them you know it's like comparing the Don to smudge.
Yeah. You can't compare people from different areas. Cricket maybe not a great example but like okay Joey John's and Reg Gazzinger. Yeah.
Tough. Tough to do.
Also didn't play the same position from memory but certainly. You know what I mean. No I do absolutely absolutely but yeah so look so far this offseason which has only been going for what are we in.
11 days though, 11 days. And only for some. Are we 11 days? No we aren't 11 days we've had three days. Well I'm thinking 11 days into September. No yes but this you know so Mad Monday two days ago.
Unseasonably quiet.
Yeah it is and obviously this will be coming out Monday so they'll maybe things have changed by that point. Well that means that we're gonna have to make a prediction on what's gonna happen on Friday the rabbits and the roosters. Yeah so it's coming out next Monday so we'll predict the whole goddamn weekend if you want it. If your listeners want to make some money. I will predict this as well if this is coming out on Monday I predict at least one scandal in between now and then.
Yeah and off field. I think there's got to be yes it's been unseasonably quiet given Mad Monday was two days ago but I think that would have been warned and warned quite vigorously. Probably takes the league at least four days of solid drinking.
If you get it before they start to make some sort of career defining mistakes. Once they start to leak outside of the leadership group. You know what I mean? Once the captains start to go back to their wives and children and then you know the young sort of throbbers the stars of the team. The scallywags. The disposable income and you know. It's around the time of the year where they can stop listening to people so they form their like insolent group chats without the old heads. Yeah that's it. So it's like the young horny energy yeah your side chat groups. 100% young throbbers full of life full of vigour. They don't want the old heads around they're breaking their style. You know what?
Fucking gallon reading this shit. No. You just want to keep the feeders probably cut off. What a buzzkill gallon it be. Well yeah it's look I think I think if you if we use the Sharks as sort of a yardstick here. Bronson Cherry isn't going out and chasing tail with Paul Gallant. No.
Paul's got four kids. 300 game. Bronson's played one hot season of rugby league and every Shire every bird in the Shire knows his name probably knows his details. Northies. He'd be going out with these boys from under 20s and some of them wouldn't have contacts and that'd be full scallywag.
You know what I mean?
They got nothing to lose. Nothing to lose. They're plumbers. They got nothing to lose other than like a career in the NRL but they but they were not gonna lose you're right that apprenticeship the plumbing apprenticeship so we got something to fall back on.
There's a high there's a good energy probably starting about now you're right like yeah few days drinking a little bit of extracurriculars yeah there'd be well that's right you know the testing's out of the way perhaps look I don't know the testing pool ever stops I think there's probably a bit of it that sort of happens so I would I'd like to think the couple of first couple of days out a higher risk particularly after what we've seen in past seasons yeah when did it really crank up last year though it was just fucking start to finish wasn't it in terms of the mad Monday well Bulldogs Bulldogs went straight off the bat yeah Bulldogs were literally within sort of 24 hours into mad Monday and that was like you know hindsight's 20 20 right so now we can go wow that was really the start of one of the great off seasons of our time but you know it just seemed like oh okay Bulldogs fucked up here we go hmm we'll move on and then it just sort of kept happening kept happening kept happening and now one for the record yes yes sensational form but I guess I guess now we're talking on field drama as well what a lot of is the grubbiness ramped up in the last few months like these yeah judiciary I guess so you speak to yeah because some people some old commentators are saying this is ludicrous what do you mean what you're suspending for a game because he's pulled some blokes hair Sam Burgess we're talking about an example whereas other people are like well you can't pull hair brah you know what I mean yeah it feels like a lot of the time they'd sort of argument amongst themselves I don't know if the grubbiness has has gone up level or we're getting more ruthless with it I think some of the grubbiness has gone up because certainly eye gouging is definitely like it's almost back isn't it yeah it's like the soup du jour of the season it's just like eye gouging has been the thing well POMS and but you know what lesser known POMS there's also been some Raiders some like well there's a guy that's now been suspended for for more games and he's played he's been suspended for 13 weeks and he's only played 12 games shout out to Hudson Young who's you know setting the scene for one of these rugby league but he's a POM isn't he no no that's such an English name yeah I think he's straight out of Newcastle is that why they're calling them the Peaky Raiders because there's so many POMS there or is it because they're blinding people with their fingers well I mean I think both are probably apt but I do believe it is POM based because Ricky's got like a real thirst for a for a tough Englishman for a tough human and they've been doing him well they've been proving him you know he's been proven correct largely yes until you know the weekend they were gonna finish third but they're top four yes so history tells you you can win the comp Tom oh absolutely but I don't think they can win the comp so who's your final two then look I'd say that it's if you were gonna be putting your hard-earned your hard-earned if I was putting my hard-earned on it or if I was putting you know like I put your hard-earned if I was investing my child's responsibly my child's like college fund yeah yeah I would say that it's gonna be Rooster storm but if I was then trying to then make some a bit more on to the college fund I'd maybe throw the rabbit owes in there instead of the Roosters I just think that the Roosters and the rap and the storm are just head and shoulders above yeah but there's always curveballs there's curveballs every year like realistically if you look back through a lot of NRL seasons it's not always the best two teams that make it like a lot of the time it's not it would it be one of the best teams and then maybe a random last year was probably you would say the best two times yes that doesn't happen that consistently no I think I was like season form just suggests Russell's been Russell's back at training Russell loves to roll into the club late season and sort of be like don't forget that um you know I own you look like the first time he'd met Wayne Bennett it look it could have been but also Russell is pretty Russell's a bit of an operator when it comes in rugby league terms easy mate he's an operator he brings a club back from the brink gives him a premiership and then just rolls in and reads from some book of feuds and I'm not actually sure exactly what it is I don't think that I certainly don't think that it really is that sort of like inspiring maybe it is if you're a South player but it's something it's sort of like the rugby league player yeah yeah well and another thing is Russell's having a bit of a glow up himself now because he was so fat and he obviously had the auction of all of his shit for the divorce and then he got extremely fat to play Roger Ailes in the loudest voice and now he's kind of shed in the kegs and he's back he might be mid glove because I did see a photo and he certainly didn't look like he'd lost weight yeah or he didn't look like he was back to sort of you know gladiator Russell yeah which is you know the Russell we know and love yeah but but there's a thirst there I imagine like this yeah it's finals time you know well that's the but that's the thing he loves rugby league does Russell he absolutely gags for it so you're not gonna keep him out of the headlines or off the training pitch when the rabbit eyes are a sniff I think there's three blokes that it can well three teams against you know Jaga Pram rabbit storm roosters maybe manly seagulls maybe manly get to them long shot and you know you know the pun on the jibla love long shot yeah but I think that if you know Russell he's not gonna stay away from training and stay away from the couple of bum taps and getting the boys up and about for a huge semi-final on Friday night doesn't get any bigger no SCJ to established clubs to foundations clubs yeah well it's gonna be interesting though because I think that the real discussion after all of this is over is what year in the future the roosters or the storm are gonna have this premiership taken away from them for absolutely rorting the fucking salary cap yes storm storm have done well to sort of try and rehabilitate their image and go like how many do they get stripped off to two or three four do your own research on those numbers in terms of the minor premierships but they certainly had two premierships strip from them they don't look like they're cheating the salary cap really now when you've Billy Slade is gone kubikronk roosters though yeah obviously all alleged and unsubstantiated but are 100% cheating the salary cap allegedly unsubstantiated Lee I don't want to you know put any words into Tom it's all knowledge but they 100% are you know what I mean you look at this saw I go through this all they've got like eight New South Wales players got shit loads of bloody test plays yeah yes but the roosters is a team that builds and fosters talent yes that's right now there may be a roosters junior it's literally Victor Radley Victor Radley and he's probably on a million dollars which you know is absurd yeah but that's the thing you know they're already on big coin and then you know uncle Nick gets them he tops them up very generously out of his third party allegedly allegedly allegedly this is all alleged yeah don't take any of this as gospel but also but also take a look at it yeah it's sitting right in front of you you got about ten players on more than 800 grand you tell me here's a question do you reckon the current roosters side given they were all New South Wales players would have beaten that third match origin side the Queensland yeah yeah I reckon they would have yeah I reckon they would have that's almost an orange name there yeah I mean you could argue that the like a club side as good as them with that amount of talent in the back end of a season would bait an origin side because they've been together for 24 weeks right yeah origin is a very disjointed camp you probably don't get longer than 10 days together yeah but I could have run They could have run that roosters side They could have run the New South Wales Minus your Cooper Cronk obviously you'd put in Nathan Cleary the greatest playmaker the the state's seen and get him in there Since Joey Best since Joey, BSJ and he would have obviously had to have filled in for Cooper in that situation One of the great chins in Welsh Well I reckon that's why he keeps getting picked I reckon they're picking him on chin How does he go with head knocks? Because the chins tend to go down Well it depends if he's got a good chin Like I and Mike had an iron chin Well see like there's a difference between having a good chin aesthetically and a glass jaw His seems to be I haven't seen the chin tested yet so I think a jury's out on this Oh I reckon he's got good chin pedigree I look at it and I go that's a good chin Well his old man was a good player And it's also the Slavic kind of jaw as well It's strong The Slavic jaw is known for its durability And right angles Well yeah Right angles and durability The hallmarks of a Slavic jaw Of a Slavic jaw Tommy Radonicus A life lived under communism This is why everyone in this country is so soft Yeah absolutely You don't have the jaws for nibbling rations The country of the round chin A soft chin is not what you want We put goaties on our chins Because we don't have them A lot of people do that to hide the fact that their chin meets their neck Yeah Chinless Um speaking of Chinless Um How about those bloody manly sea eagles with the asbestos This is upset Well look I'll let Tom lead it off But I will say this off the top It's an absolute witch hunt It's a witch hunt Which suburban ground In this fine land of ours Is not riddled with asbestos It just so happens That on the eve of the finals Manly hasn't been in the finals for a couple of years That we you know They find a bit of asbestos on the hill A tiny patch like In the hill They had to dig under the earth to find this thing And then they go oh we might have to camp here It's in the hill That's worse In the hill there's going to be a lot more cases of itchy lung That are going to be coming out Well only when the earth is Disrupted Yeah on every Saturday when there's fucking Dudes going up and down the hill I'd say it's more compassionate Mate why do they care now Manly for the first time in a long time Being given a home final Eddie I understand what you're saying But the thing is this isn't like 2015 when they're like Oh the cowboys of suspicious houses We're trying to ruin their fucking momentum This is asbestos Yeah but if you cared that much You would have cared 10 years ago You know what I mean? Nothing's changed Nothing's happened to the ground in 30 years probably So that's 30 years of asbestos lung If you go down that path And I think we need to start canvassing Manly fans That are around the 50, 60 Age 60 years old They've been on the beaches Just see how they're actually going To get their lungs out Cause for mine Eddie and I haven't done the numbers To a conclusive degree but I don't know of any current Manly fans Suffering asbestosis Well you and I were at Manly Leagues You were at Manly Leagues the other week And everyone in there was fit as a fiddle Cliffy Lime was fit, he's still smoking darts A lot of those boys are Also rugby league is inexorably linked with asbestos James Hardy Well that's what I said In the 80's History of supporting the league That was back when Parramatta played like they worked for James Hardy Completely breathless It's not too soon, it's not too soon It's in some good gear here though So look, storm and a take up I mean asbestos is Asbestos, you know Jury's out on how bad it is My back shed was made of asbestos and I used to Smash it up regularly Well they've started calling it the Eagle Jib Rock Like it, like it And another issue with Manly One of their owners Scotty Penn Has put his hand up He's got a bit of trouble with the ATO Do you reckon that's going to destabilise the camp He reckons He's in the hole for about 2 million As reported by The Daily Telegraph down there in Sydney Well Scotty Penn I know And the Penn family Done a lot for the club But I've been hearing whispers for a while They've been trying to sell Now whether or not that's linked with With Scott's issues Or alleged issues with the ATO But these things can be smooth though It absolutely stinks Of the Brisbane Bombers Coming in The Stinky Bears This is a destabilising Tactic from these desperate Very desperate Consortiums trying to get another team off the ground Trying to make out that Manly's Fucked Well totally Greenberg has ties to the ATO And I mean this could be an underhand tactic By Totally to try and unsettle us Well Totally's trying to basically Is Totally Manly in your mind? As Manly degenerates?
Well you know what it is, Totally knows They need to move a team From Sydney A lot of people say they shouldn't be rides in the street But financially They have to move one Which is all that really matters to him Dollars and Cents Is the thinking that if you remove one from Sydney The competition is too hot for third party deals And sponsorship Which floats But it's not membership Those people aren't going to join another club No I think it's more sponsorship dollars You know what, we're happy to wear the loss Of the 13,000 members Of this 12 and a half I believe And we'll go somewhere else Right But the thing is You speak to any Bloody North Sydney Bears fan They just still go for the North Sydney Bears They don't really go for anyone else It's not like you redistribute They support Rugby League You're not redistributing membership Well I know as a tried and true Manly fan if you didn't know already That were we To be moved anywhere Or just sort of shut down as a club I would certainly Not go for another team I'd just drink every weekend But if they What might have been If they moved the Sea Eagles To Gosford Would you go for them from Gosford? Not if they called them the Gosford Sea Eagles They need to be the Manly Sea So you're more tied to the name of the place that you're not from Than the actual mascot Well my ancestry is from I have deep deep ties to the area I would look on them fondly Yes But I wouldn't be a member I wouldn't be up there Every Sunday afternoon with a chin in hand Barricoon from the hill So it would certainly lose to any Central case aren't getting a team We all know where the second teams going It just seems weird It would seem weird to go We need to get it If they want to expand It seems weird to go Too many teams in Sydney Let's move one of the Sydney teams to the Central Coast That's a rugby league move This bit of flag moving one of the Queensland teams Titans to the Central Coast Let's just take a team out of Queensland And give New South Wales another team Rugby league stop for a second John Singleton tried And he threw a shitload of money at it And apparently he had all the elite Like three elite rugby league operators Lined up for all the management positions Coaching positions, he had a warchester coin They were selling memberships On paper In the lead up to some sort of move Never happened They go nah we're going to go up to the Gold Coast Where clubs cannot Survive It's eternal darkness up there In terms of eternal darkness That exists right across rugby league From a business kind of perspective And we were talking about this before Has the rugby league The rugby league is a way of saying it Because we've had a super league war And we've had a few different codes The current NRL has existed in many incarnations Beforehand Have the NRL, have the rugby league Ever made the right decision Ever In any capacity I think what happened with the dragons I think that they had to merge Because they had been Blowing blue smoke for a long time They were In their support of Manly's unmerging You know what, but again To Clancy's point That's correcting a mistake But I do agree that the dragons Going or merging with Illawarra Steelers I would have happily seen Illawarra Just stay as a team and the dragons go Just such is my visceral Distain for the dragons But absolutely The rugby league struggled To make Correct decisions initially But they're also not afraid of going We fucked up But they always do and they have to Every time In light of that though Sort of scary about what may happen With the removal Of a Sydney team if that's what happened Because it'll happen and it'll be the wrong decision Just move the titans Up the road Is that hard? Kill the titans off I don't know how it goes With franchising And clubs entering the comp Say an already existing institution Like the Redcliffe Dolphins That's who they're talking about Like they did back in the day With the New South Wales rugby league Fucking Q Cup side up That's what I'm saying And then you take them down I know they got called What are you saying? I reckon if it worked a bit like the EPL In England where you have Promotion relegation The best teams in the country Are at the top and then you've got The dribblers down the bottom Who are just fighting to get back up So Q Cup plays In trust So in trust is Q Cup At the end of every season At the New South Wales Canterbury Cup and then at the end of the season That would be such a red hot match The winner of Q Cup because the winner of that Ends up in the NRL And the bottom of the ladder gets bumped Hypothetically now You take the two teams at the bottom So you take out the titans And the dragons Take them out Put them down into And then you put Two teams either from The New South Wales Cup or the Q Cup Up into the NRL The only problem I think with that whole idea I don't think it will happen The only problem there is that there's already Such a sparse Amount of members for clubs Across the board If you're to Promote and relegate these Relative nobody teams The difference is too vast Even just awareness You can have big clubs In the championship and vice versa The lower you go They've also got the population to support it Imagine Imagine if one year like last year Parramatta and Manly went out Couldn't handle that I wouldn't be sitting in clubs And the problem would be Other Sydney clubs getting in The Bears and the Jets are back in How about if we We Privatise all the teams And we take away the salary cap Are they all private? No they're not all private A lot of them are owned by the clubs And some are owned by the NRL And that's why the titans will never succeed Because they're owned by the NRL Which means they extra can't cheat I heard the reason The reason they don't work is because There's no sponsorship dollars In the Gold Coast region So it's so hard financially To get them up and about It's growing in terms of population There's no money there There's a lot of drug money in the Gold Coast They've got to work to try and include To work drug money into sponsorship If they gave some sort of If you want to clean your coin Invest in the time Wash your cash We won't ask any questions But look they're not forward thinking And they don't have a clubhouse They don't have a clubhouse Like they don't have a club I'm sure a bikie gang would be happy to open up their clubhouse For the titans to come in Get them patched in Get them inked up Hey Jared Hunt basically did it We saw that on that brief snapchat video The pokies are over there mate And the bister opens at 6 You need a league club, you need a wet counter meal You do Although does every team Have a league I have a club Mate the Crushers have still got one But no one cares about that But in terms of who owns the clubs I think it varies Every club has a place they go back to Most teams have a league Balmain let their one go Balmain are all by western suburbs Who have a leagues club The Balmain Leagues Club actually Is I think one of the saddest places In the nation It's a ghost town and it's been like They've got in there and just trashed the job And they actually left some of the Merch on the wall They just closed the doors One day and went It's a metaphor for the club itself That's it It's what Balmain became Which is sad It should be Wes Magpies Well Ashfield's the They've got two leagues clubs They've got Ashfield and they've got the MacArthur, Campbelltown They've got a few They've got like four home grounds as well If we're talking about a club that needs to go It's from Sydney, it's the West Tigers No offence to any West Tigers Well no I don't care Lots of offence, your club sucks There's no soul to it You're owned by the Magpies Are you Balmain, are you Wes And the Magpies are the most unsuccessful club in their history They're calm Oh mate look at the spoons everyone Even those fry bros before The Western Magpies They almost got the boot Just for being appalling Everyone else lost it The holder of the spoon The board was fucked and all that You want too many spoons I've had this theory and I've mentioned it on a few podcasts You can put that Balmain jersey into a museum And people in Balmain can talk about when we had a rugby league team Here before we all became graphic designers And earned over 200k a year And stopped caring about rugby league But what do you do with the Magpies You move them to Ipswich and you change You build a club there, the fans will follow I reckon with that Magpie brand and you call it The Western Corridor Magpies Look I wouldn't be mad at it I don't hate it, it makes sense It's better than having 12 teams in Western Sydney Which is what we currently have You're talking about oversaturated areas You have Penrith, Parramatta, Western West Tigers, the Bulldogs And then they go How about the dirty merger club that's doing Fuck all They haven't made a final since 2011 And also Let's just remember that none of those cunts Follow West Tigers They resent them The Magpies fans They reckon Robbie Farrow Wears tape over his sleeve When he's got the Magpie on the sleeve They're conspiracists I'm sure Robbie does He probably does do that to be honest It was a hell of a ride Balmain Now fuck off and play in the New South Wales Cup Like the Jets People still love the brand of the Jets But no one cares enough for them to come back Go play in the New South Wales Cup With the Bears and the Jets and all the other have-beens You heard it here, Western Corridor Magpies Ipswich need a team Maybe we could just Cancel the Titans and move them to Mackay I think the Titans should be cancelled I heard the next in line was Red Cliff Dolphins They've been given a tap on the back Get your affairs and all They're a pretty tidy club This is another one This is the Rugby League Brisbane Broncos No no, Bombers Have you actually heard the fucking proposal with the Bombers?
The plan is They create another club based in Brisbane Not South Brisbane, not East Brisbane Brisbane There's the Brisbane Broncos And sharing a home ground at Suncorp with them Who even knows? The colours might even be similar Who knows? It's like the Manly Sea Eagles and the Manly Sea Birds I'm not so sure about this But the thing is And I guess this is Probably half the reason why the NRL The Rugby League Make such bad decisions The Bombers, much like the Broncos Has been done by a poll And they ask the citizens, whoever's interested The Brisbane Broncos had five names When they were entering the comp They were all B's Brumbies, everyone thought it was going to be And they let them vote And it became the Brisbane Broncos Who the fuck knows why? I don't know many people in suburban Brisbane who saved the Broncos It's a good name though But imagine having a fucking A list of names that you could call Your club anything And you call it the fucking Bombers Yeah it's the same thing It's an absolute shocker And it's named after a fucking AFL team Are people honestly going to go for the Bombers over the Broncos? No The only people that will are the people that like to be different And people don't really like Every friendship group's got a few of them Who are like, oh yeah I support Queensland But I live in New South Wales Exactly It's people that go for their state Tom and I have got a mate, goes for Queensland Never been there Yeah that's revolting And as Queenslanders We enjoy watching Blues fans Get worked up But we don't even want them We don't even want those traders that you send our way No but I mean the traders go both ways So that you've got your Queensland based New South Wales fan Or like your New South Wales based Broncos fan Who's never lived in Queensland You're just like, mate You're the epitome of a rugby league loser Now these are the names for the Brisbane Bombers Which is a fucking, I should point out An actual body Right now They call it a consortium Everyone trying to get a rugby league team together Is a consortium It's got a very similar logo to the fucking Essendon Bombers That's for sure, I'll just put that up to the camera there Show that to them What's all that about? It's just different colours It's a bloke who looks like he's about ready To drop a bunch of big bombs On some German towns Their secondary colour is orange Yeah Navy and orange is Orange is a shocker Unless it's orange and black Which as we said has been retired Now this is what the names were Okay After conducting market research In March 2011 I bet it was extensive market research The bid group announced 15 shortlisted names Okay And the colours were also fucking done By market research So there was Four names they could have had They could have had South Queensland which would have worked They could have had the River City Which is pretty rare I'm not mad at that, that sounds like the name of an album It's a bit lame And there's a list of what goes with each Every city has a river So this is a list Brisbane Barracudas The Brisbane Bayliners The Brisbane Bobcats Brisbane Bombers Equally shit as all the ones I've already said The Brisbane Braves This is so Americanised The Brisbane Brewers Brewers? Shocking, all of these are shocking Brisbane Buccaneers What is a buccaneer just quickly? I think it's a happy go lucky Pirate Well known for Brisbane's river system Is there any sort of responsibility to name it after an animal of the area or something representative, I know that a titan isn't a thing If you're going to call it a buccaneer Should there be some sort of There's a few more Brisbane Heat which obviously ended up being a T20 team I hate that as well That's like a feeling There was one for Easton It was Easton Stingrays I like the Stingrays but I don't like the Easton before it River City Kookaburras Oh my god It sounds like a hockey team I can't move past that River City Kookaburra is a hockey team Now for South Queensland there was five There was the South Queensland Cyclones But that also sounds like Titans, it's just funny Cyclones, are they prevalent? No, not that far south South Queensland Dolphins I like Dolphins I like Dolphins You may as well bump up Red Cliff Which I think they should be South Queensland Rogues Oh please The South Queensland Spartans Whoever came up with that one should not be allowed To ever vote I think it is actually a bunch of It's a bunch of Greek construction guys actually You know what this sounds like? It sounds like their market research Involves people taking the piss Let's stitch these pricks up It sounds like people are taking the piss out of them The colours back that up Orange and Navy for god's sake And South Queensland Taipans Again, Taipans are only taken by The proud Kans Taipans Of the MBL The Snakes are one of the great teams in the MBL And I think it's disrespectful to even try You're absolutely right The Brisbane Bombers intend on playing all home games At Suncorp Stadium It was speculated there was a number of options For a home base including Davies Park and West End Dolphin Park and Red Cliff And two locations in the Redlands But they decided upon the same place that the Brisbane Broncos play Well, before We move on There are some rival bids Going up against the Bombers For the next spot in the NRL And they include Off the top of my head The West Coast Pirates The Central Coast Bears The Western Corridor bid As you were talking about A bid from Central Queensland Red Cliff Dolphins The Brothers Lepricorns Brothers Lepricorns Brothers is just sort of like a vague term It's kind of Catholic Brothers is like the same if you're used to it Yeah Yeah brother The comrades The brothers comrades Well, they're based in In Brisbane Their home ground is Corbett Park In Alang Park In Bray Park So it's another Brisbane team Again, I think you just need to at least Tell us where you're from You can't just sort of be like Oi, the mates But These two other ones I think Might have a bit of merit The South Pacific Cyclones Ooh, is this like an island Of flavour Not mad at that I don't hate that What was the mascot?
Sorry?
See that could date real bad You know, especially with climate change All of those guys playing Yeah, but also them having to come over to play A game and it's like one of the island Nations has just been ravaged by a cyclone And it's like they're now coming to play The cyclones will take a minute, silence for the cyclone And there's also One from New Guinea Hunters? The New Guinea Hunters Yeah, see they're already in the Q Cup They got bumped up there To bumping up existing clubs Give them a fucking stadium, give them a bit of infrastructure Because I'll tell you another one, Red Cliff Dolphins Red Hot If we're going to have to create one I suggest you move one And if you've got to move the Titans, change the fucking name Because that brand is fucking malignant Yeah, it's gross But Mackay Cutters as well, they've got to get bumped up Cutters is a sick name to have on the internet What a great name Sugar Cane I like that, again That's appropriate to the area Don't just come up with random shit And I'll tell you one of the worst names in Australian sporting history The Melbourne Heart Which, thank God, was cancelled That was cancelled completely The Melbourne Heart? Was that the beating heart of Melbourne? I bet it was spelled A too There's hearts in the Scottish Premier League of Soccer Which is a problem for me Because it's not a thing Yeah, but it's probably as old as the hills Whereas Melbourne, nah Yeah, Scottish alright If you're going to do it in Scotland Or in Australia where it's like This team is five minutes old The Broncos are based on pre-existing Like the Denver Broncos There is a bit of that But luckily for us, or me personally anyway The Broncos were around my entire life So I only associate Broncos with Australia Then I found out there was an American team That also had Broncos And that they were horses Not just blokes that play rugby league for Brisbane Not just Alfie Langer I think of them as a once great team Who have now been appalling Yeah, it hurts I guess the glory days of the Broncos kind of ended with the pointy haircuts Like that Carmichael David Beckham started those haircuts And then it became Like the David Beckham on top But then it was a bit down the bottom as well The Islander boys revolutionised them It all stopped when Darren left You know what I mean? I mean there was a grand final loss on the bell But you lost You lost the un-loseable game So you tell me Oh man we were there I tell you what It would have shat these poor cowboy fans We were in the fucking nosebleeds And there were A lot of Fucking wider Cobras on Like wider than this one I'm wearing And these fuckers had been Price gouged out the arse Bob Carter was on the news talking about it It cost something like 3 grand one way Every airline Every airline was like Oh no it's actually going to cost you like $700 one way All those bullbars They're like well We're going right It is supply and demand I mean you know But it's also a gouge It is a gouge You're probably going to fucking fill up those floods anyway Yeah that's it Supply and demand but also like Sucked in bro we're jacking them up Sorry we're not sorry The biggest The biggest travesty of that entire grand final Is that Jonathan Thurston is the hero Because Michael Morgan's Flick pass is the most ridiculous Thing that I've ever seen on the bell The bell is literally going As he's flicking the ball and everyone's like Thurston's dropped goal man I'm like You have got to be kidding me the only reason they were in That game is because of that Flick pass You know what Thurston's remembered I think fondly For the Cowboys especially is because he Fucking he's a politician And he's been his whole career he's very good at saying the right things Being in the right place at the right time And when he called out Turnbull for that Malcolm Turnbull for the new stadium On the fucking podium and looked at him And said I think it's time for the Cowboys To get a new stadium and the crowd Went Yeah And they fucking put shovels in the ground last week I think And there is a statue Being built right now in bronze Of JT And so there should be So there should be It was Michael Morgan's Flick pass that won it for them In the end but he built The foundations you know what I mean He dragged them there And just lastly on this point of JT He dragged them there over ten years I actually think that this is a Strategy that some players if they know they've got it Early in their career it's hard to know When you've got it because we all thought Elon Bot would still be We thought Leon Bot would still be playing now And he'd be a fucking 6 time premiership Winner but he obviously His hair style suggested that maybe he wouldn't But then again JT had dreads But Is that a strategy for the greats to actually Really ingrain themselves in greatness And possibly immortality Is to pick a team that they know They can work with And play the long game JT did it JT did it, Joey did it, Lockyer did it But Smith did it I reckon Pong was doing it right now Well Melbourne were very early In the game when heat went down there He went down there because the Broncos Wouldn't give him a run He was playing behind someone Who was he playing behind? Something like that and he goes fuck it I want to play first grade Footy every week so I'm going to Melbourne That was why I didn't go down there Pong might be doing that Right now I reckon because he's got the mentorship From JT I reckon JT's just said mate Those guys can do it You just need to sit there And let them bring some young fellas through Well the thing is with Newcastle When it's all said and done And it is now for them, they've had a shit season You look at that team and you're like Bruh, if you're not playing in the eight With that, with those cattle Something's wrong, something's fucked up Well the coach is gone They were in the top four at one point And they fell off a cliff But the Rabidos did that, you have three years You have three years of momentum Premiership windows we call them And the Knights is not open But it's like It's not open yet, it's not closing It's certainly on the way up if it's doing anything But they fucked up this year somehow They were going great And then, I don't know if it was Origin I can't remember my rugby league timeline here But they were going so well Maybe it was that Mitch went and played Origin Then had an Origin hangover From the success I don't know why they hated Nathan Brown Well I think there's something there Millennial group chats That's it, I think that's the problem Again, this is like Old boy rugby league speak But it's like, oh these bloody new players They can't take criticism Like these younger players, so it's like if a coach Reams you in front of a team for something you've done The mentality I think of the Gen Y footballer Is like, calls their manager To get me the fuck out of here Is that the fault then of the coach To not identify That these young boys are a bit soft You know what I mean It's not the 1980's when you can just bark But also I remember in 2003 Falago nearly killed Jason Taylor But for that exact thing That's how serious it can get You can either call your manager Jason Taylor went head first Or you can be David Falago It's like Jason's with us He got He got fed And there's a photo of it Seems like he took the selfie as well And then shared it around social media But it's like his face was mashed But also David Falago It's not like it was Luke Keery David Falago was a beast He was huge And he was volatile Yeah dude, he fucked up Braith and Astor once in a game That was the off your head moment Braith and Astor was like, why did you just hit me And then Braith got penalised And then that was the famous quote He goes, you're off your head Braith is pissing blood out of his mouth And he's literally just made a tackle But also, where would be the team If you were the youngest throbber With a big energy Coming through right now Where would be the team I would almost say someone like Latrell Who's obviously at the mercy of journalists and meme pages And every fucking person with an opinion In the game Here's an example Latrell moves to Parra And plays a 10 year long game Do you think that would be a wise decision Is Parra that club They've been losers Take the 80's out They've done nothing but lose They've got the longest premiership drought in the history currently Outside of teams that haven't won If you want it to get better Depends what you want to do If you want to own a club or you want to get better If you want to get better, you're to Melbourne Everyone that knows anything says that If you want to go own a team A JT cowboy star But also Latrell's a centre And unless he plays full back Or 5-8 A centre is never going to command Fucking big dick money Because you're not involved enough in the game Even that game against the Rabidos Not in the first week of the finals But the last game of the regular season Not that he goes missing But it's hard to bring him into the game Even though he's so good If I was a young throbber Which you're only just not You're only just retirement age I am There's blokes older than you still playing And that is the only thing That's keeping me going Because as soon as someone my age retires Not from injury The moment there's no one Older than you playing Which isn't that far away With the retirement of Galen We're in a dangerous territory That was the first origin player this year Born in the 2000's David Fafita That's pretty fucked Dude David Fafita and Payne Haas They were born in the year 2000 That makes me sick I've never thought about it that way That is sickening I reckon that's where I'd go I'd go to the Broncos So you reckon Broncos the club you can bring back to glory? You could Yeah for sure And you'd have your face on Airport parking posters for the rest of your life If you want to be rich as fuck Go to the Broncos If you want to be a sick kind of alpha Then go and own the Broncos If you want to read the weather in 30 years You want to be set for life Win them a friendship The Broncos are the idea of a grower Not a shower Right now you would not pull them out But if you give them a couple of years Payne Haas, Pangar Junior And then if I were the young throbber coming in As like a playmaker Like a Dearden Who is untested largely Could be good Or perhaps the young walker boy And his dads Yes well we've heard of it There's a junior walker coming through But I thought he went to the roosters I'm big on the thing that the walkers are not brothers They're husbands And that's their son From Ippi to Brisbane They've broken up now dude They've separated They're no longer coaching, one of them left Yeah dude, you know what Even same sex couples break up Same sex brother couples That's disheartening I bet you that was over the Titans thing Mal fucked them I bet you Can I put a hot take out there To all you listeners, Mal Meninga is not a good coach No he's not He's a good person He's a good person Are you like a glancy student Hating a row much Listen I'm not saying that he isn't a great leader of men Man manager He has got probably the greatest aura in the game of rugby league But from the whispers that we hear Eddie and myself We hear whispers It's that he himself Isn't a good coach He's not an X's and O's guy He's a I'm gonna get you up through Last week and it was like The players of the Titans are chasing And it was like David Fafita Just re-signed to the Broncos or about to Charles Nyguil Klogstad literally the day before Two days before signed a three year deal He outlined every Long term signed player in the competition But I guess an origin Coach isn't a coach It's an appearance for you Is he a coach or is he just a fucking Well the thing is Brad just gets you in the right mindset And then gets the right people around you Because what does he do? He brings Joe in to work with the halves You go do that You're not going to get a team together Maybe an origin coach is a bit more like a producer And you're sort of going like We need this person here to mix that up A director to make these sort of things work But Mal himself And again, Mal I know you're listening And I apologise It's not about you but this is just what we hear And we've got to go off what we hear Control the whispers Control the narrative He's not a great coach And the titans With him as their sort of like Well they've gone backwards He also tipped them to win the comp at the start of the year I don't know if anyone remembers that Him as like football director or head of culture Or whatever it is They've gone backwards Well they fucking should have taken the walkers And what they should do is sell the fucking club to some developer from down there And start rorting the salary cap The NRL just need to dust their hands of it And just go And just admit defeat And the AFL won't be far behind them Because you can't get anything off the ground up there And just go fuck it, move on Well it's a transient culture, it's a transient society You go there when you're running away from something You're not going there to set up It's like oh yeah Give some footy club your fucking bank details You keep your nose clean, you're laying low You're trying to change your identity And not let anyone know who you are when you go to the Gold Coast About a million? They've got 8,000 rugby league members In a million Another thing is there's no kids there Not many kids there, you don't take your family You don't move your young family to the golf There's kids there but you don't move there with your family Only bull sharks and sorrow And strip clubs Just quickly before we go fellas AFL grand final Or the AFL finals in general Thoughts? See this is a tough one Only because my AFL days Are long behind me Obviously I've got a grandfather who played For St Kilda believe it or not Do you really? Pre-war News to me Now listen, could it have been a training trial And he didn't get a contract? I don't know I'd prefer to say that he played Well if I played for that club I wish that I wouldn't come back from the war AFL AFL, look The most exciting thing from the AFL Grand Final thing is the Brisbane Lions We should just say now this is based purely on sports betting Kind of numbers you've been looking at You've been following this shit religiously I was in like the punting on AFL Fucking absolutely not But I think Brisbane Lions is the one They've got some heat Brisbane Lions and Richmond Collingwood, who else is in there? I'd like to see Brisbane It's coming home After their 3 in a row in the early 2000's It'd be nice to see them go back Just because I'd like to see a team outside of Victoria Get the chockies I think it's good for the game And you know what, all we want is to see AFL Do well That's all we need We just want them to learn their manners and stop doing that Anyway That'd be nice, unlikely Fuck Victoria I'd like to say this though If you want to make some value over the NRL final season Manly at 34 to 1 Value If you need money to build a house Or buy a yacht This might be a redundant tip By the time this podcast is Are they still in? No they'd be out by the time If Manly were to By some fluke not win On the weekend then this would be a redundant tip But I think probably worth keeping it in Regardless because It'll hold us to account Good good Well thanks for joining us gentlemen Always a pleasure to come in boys You've been listening to the Batutah Advocate radio show On Desert Rock FM With Clancy Errol With Clancy Overall And Errol Parker And of course Tom and Eddie from Hallowsport See you next week On Desert Rock FM |
dropout | Mystery_Porn_Sounds | Okay, does anyone want to go first? Yeah, I'll go first.
Hey Sam? I'm sorry, could someone remind me what this meeting is about again? Oh yeah, Sam, we were just thinking that since none of us work for you anymore that this could be a really good opportunity for all of us to just sort of get together and tell you what we really think of you. That doesn't sound fun.
I don't mind. I think it'll be okay. Yeah, none of us mind. Yeah, I don't mind at all.
We've got a lot to say. Yeah, I've already had the shortest, but I have the most to say. Guys, look, I know that you don't work here anymore, but my sincere hope is that we can continue to work together in the future, like I want some like remote video conference based catches. I'm sorry, Sam, I'm having trouble hearing you, it sounds like there's another conversation going on. You had better. What is that? Is that some other meeting?
But then all my clothes accidentally got shredded. I'm so sorry, Ms. Bonegood. Oh, don't be.
Oh yeah, I guess you can say that's a mother. Oh, is that a? No. Business done. Whoa.
Someone's watching. A porno. My friends, that is submissive secretary learned sexy lesson from boss. It's got some great moments, but the dialogue's a little weird.
Grant, turn it off, please. Well, I'm not playing it. I just recognize it. Well, then where's it coming from? I'm not playing it. Well, neither am I. Well, I'm not playing it.
I don't even have the U. I wouldn't even know what law says. I wouldn't even know what law says.
Not that. I wouldn't really even call it a dance. You know what?
I better make it equal. I better shred my clothes too. No, Ms. Bonegood. You'll break the shredder and it's not under warranty.
Well, somebody's playing it and it's probably Grant. Guys, I'd tell you if it was me. Do you think I care? No, probably not, but I don't know. Maybe you left it running like a big idiot. No, I'm actually watching a different porn on mute right now. So I know it's not me.
Oh. That weird thing checks out. Okay. Seriously, whoever is playing that, please turn it off. Look, we're all adults here, right? Like, no big deal, but it is inappropriate.
You know, Raph isn't saying much. Yeah, Raph. Suck juice. I don't have anything to say.
It's not me. Prove it. Show us your screen. Yeah, Raph. Yeah. Screen share it. You can prove it right now. Just share the screen and then we all know for sure. We'll see all your tabs and then we'll just know. I already told you it's not me. Why wouldn't you share it?
Stop it. We all know for sure. Calm down. Right now, Raph. Guys, calm down.
Good job. Okay? Good job. Shut up. Good job.
Sex in the workplace? Oh, no. Mr. Penis? That's right. It's me, Jonathan Penis. And this is not the kind of business I run. Look out for that shredder, Mr. Penis.
Ow. That caught blood. Oh, no. I mean, look.
Clearly, whoever is playing this is embarrassed and doesn't want to be seen turning it off. So if we all type at the same time, whoever's playing the video can just stop it.
Judgment free. Hey. Okay. That's reasonable. Maybe even too reasonable. Like you're looking for a way out, Sam. Yeah.
The juice. It's not my porn. Exactly what the pornographer would say. Ooh. Now, hold on a minute. Trapp has been accusing a lot of people. He's trying to hide something. The juice. Oh, you're just trying to deflect my accusation. The juice. You're trying to deflect my accusation. The juice.
Now I see why they call you Mr. Penis. No, actually, it's just a coincidence. I come from a long Irish background. But it made sense to take off the mick, if you know what I mean.
They're explaining a lot, right? Oh my God, you're turning me on so much. Okay. Seriously. Where is that coming from? Oh, wait. It's not porn. It's my roommates having sex. Want to see? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. Huh. It's crazy they're doing the exact dialogue from submissive secretary learned sexy lesson from boss. Today.
Or don't. You know, do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life.
I don't even know you. That would be crazy.
I am. It was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry. And that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA. |
TheOnion | The_Rise_And_Fall_Of_Ziggy_Stardust_Release_Popularizes_Glam_Rock_Glam_Education_Glam_Politics | From the ancient Sumerian invention of the Roland TB-303 baseline synthesizer and sequencer in 2700 BC to the day in 1832 when Charles Darwin personally killed and ate the world's last dodo The Onion looks back at this week in history. On June 6, 1944, the Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France by over 70,000 American soldiers with their courage and bravery Blah blah blah blah blah Stare at evil in the face Blah blah blah We've heard enough of this crap by now, haven't we? U.S. troops, many of whom volunteered to serve their country and... Greatest generation Girl back home Helping Uncle Sam Band of brothers and all that bullshit Sacrifice Duty Freedom Honor Crap about rations Had to kill her own chickens Cup of sugar a month Hey, we get it World War II was hard People were brave Great Moving on On June 4, 1919, a group of bold, passionate men took it upon themselves to pass the Women's Suffrage Act Finally granting women the right to vote that they were too frail and helpless to achieve on their own Having long watched women struggle to stand up for their right to choose elected officials the strong and capable men decided to intercede and aid their weak female counterparts The historic passing of the Women's Suffrage Act marked a tremendous achievement for men across the nation who were once again able to come together and help those vastly inferior to them This was, of course, repeated in 1963 when a similar body of effective and hardworking men granted women equal pay in the workplace This was another cause that women were too powerless to achieve themselves You know what? Let's switch gears this week Let's talk about something else My father was a mean man He was a drunk who came home reeking of alcohol in the perfume of other women And he would say, Timmy! Get your ass over here! I was reading these queer-bait history books again And I would get scared because I loved my history books And I hated it when my father would take them away But he would find me Usually in the attic where I hid my history books And he would say to me, History is for little girls! Little girls in pink dresses who carry dollies Little dollies with curly hair And I would say, No, Dad!
It's not just for little girls, it's for little boys too! It's for good little boys! And that's what I am! I'm a good little boy! A good little boy!
And that's when things would get ugly And on June 6th, 1972 David Bowie's release of his concept album The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust Kickstarted the glam rock genre And led to such spin-off trends as glam medicine Glam sports, and glamcitecture All culminating in the 1976 presidential glam election And that was what happened this week in history In the words of French King John II History will forever remember the great names of Alexander And Napoleon and Washington But what about me, John II of France? I did stuff too |
dropout | star_wars_cantina_band_auditions | Hey, Figran! How's my favorite client doing, huh? The Mos Eisley maestro himself. How's it hanging, huh? Uh, you met my assistant, Conda Baba, right?
Okay, the Cantina Band's next star is in this group today, I promise you. If it's a bright center of the universe, it's here. Alright, first up is, uh, Chris Darthtree. Praise the dark side, with all the anger inside, I'll make the Jedi pay, and spread the pain across the galaxy! I like it, Figaro. He's got the look and that tough attitude.
What is that?
Can you please get rid of it? Is it going right? Let's get going!
G. I shot an Ewok, baby. And it's that memory that's killing me. I whipped out my master blaster, baby. And I shot the very little fella from his tree. Uh, you're a monster. I know. Whoa!
Get off the stage, tree hugger! I'm not a tree hugger.
The Death Star literally destroys planets. I do mean literally. It has a giant laser that blows up planets. One, two, three, four, we don't want your galactic war! Droids.
Alright, so I know you guys aren't vibing on the sand people, right? But, you know, we kind of get a bad rap. I mean, why do you think we're called the sand people, brah? Because we love the beach, dude.
You know what I'm saying? Totally non-violent. What was that? No time to find out.
Kill every jaw on sight! Slaughter them all!
That was really good. That was beautiful.
Thank you for your support. Now I need your support. Cast your votes now, guys. Hey, lady, that's not how this works. Help me, voters. You're my only hope. Are you trying to vote for her?
Behold. Oh, that's incredible. You ain't seen nothing yet. Two, three, four! You know, if you close your ears, it's really not that bad.
I said to rocking the standards in the force! Bantha milk, so creamy and blue. Squeezed from a space yak, it's healthy for you.
Hey! Sorry, Bob. Not feeling that one. Got anything else? Yeah, sure. Here's a new one. Roodly stew with Master Yoda's room. A Dagobah dish that smells funky too, Luke. Hey! Yeah, you got anything else that isn't about food?
I'm a lady of Naboo. We're from two different worlds, but I only have three eyes for you. Dora-ma, I wish I could hug you in person. Say, why are you on hologram anyway? I overbooked myself. I'm a general in the galactic civil war. My backpacks, you got a chance. Well, I'm boba of that fat. Well, I bounty hunt for Java Hunt to finance my bed.
Well, hold on a sec. You ain't boba-fat. You got tossed in the Sarlacc pit. Are you serious, dude? I escaped that ish. Started rapping. Had to get out of the bounty hunter game. Would've wound up dead. Frozen and carbonite.
Cheetah, Raba-na-ma! Yo, what's that weird dude saying? Relax, kid. Today's your lucky day. He likes you. Welcome to the modal nodes.
All right, boba-fat is back. Boba-fat?
Where? Maybe we should just get that Rick Forsfield guy back in here. Oh, girl. I never left. |
SaturdayNightLive | president_george_w_bush_on_bombing_iraq_snl | Saturday Night Live, normally seen at this time, will be delayed so that we may bring you the following address from the President of the United States. Good Evening. When I campaigned to be your President, I promised that if elected, I would change the tone in Washington. that I would end the usual partisan bickering and reach out to my opponents, often with a helping hand. And lately, it seems to me that no one has needed a helping hand more than former President Bill Clinton. Accordingly, on Friday, February 16, at 12.30 P.m.
Eastern Time, I ordered a surprise military strike against Iraq in order to move his latest scandals off the front pages. Now, let me make something very clear. there was utterly no legal or military justification for this strike. many innocent Iraqi civilians were killed or injured, and the men and women of our armed forces were needlessly placed in harm's way. But if you look at your morning paper, you'll see the Mark Rich pardon story is on page 5, which means ex-president Clinton can now get on with his life and enjoy this wonderful three-day weekend. Now, many in my own party have questioned the wisdom of my action. Why, they want to know, did I fail to consult with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and instead plan the raid only with James Carville and Geraldo Rivera? Also, they say Clinton's scandals are good for our party. to them, I can reply only, were Bill Clinton in my place, he would have done the same. Were he still President, he would have bombed Iraq to get his pardon of Mark Rich out of the news. I did it for him because he would have done it for him. it's called bipartisanship.
Finally, to Saddam Hussein, I have just one more thing to say, Live from, no wait, two more things to say. First, don't mess with Texas. Second, Live, no wait. Yeah, live from New York, it's Saturday night. Thank you. |
dropout | all_nighter_09_voicebox | Streeter turned into a puzzle. We have to put them back together before it's too late. Hey guys, check this out, cut! Josh fell asleep in the conference room, so I replaced his voice box. I gave him a tracheotomy and I put him like a mechanical one instead.
Oh my god, here he comes. I'm here, I'm here you motherfucker. Come on man, you know the rules. Yeah, I know the rules man. This is fucking weak sauce. All right, you know what? I'll give you your voice box back if you say why wasn't I programmed to feel love. Oh yeah, I get it. Real fucking funny. Excuse me if I go before it's back. Here you go. Oh my god. I look like 28 days Hitler. Oh, oh, and she went G2. Real fucking mood, man. Now I gotta realize this shit.
I was gonna wear this on my date that I had in 12 hours. Hey look, Josh, your date is here. I'm here for you Josh. I have a real date. Her real name's Michelle and she's in 10.
Jesus man, relax. No, no, I am calm. I am calmer than a pond. I am cooler than the other side of a pillow.
Tell me, when was the last time a girl even fucking looked at you? All right, all right man. No, no, Amir wants to laugh. He can dish it out but he can't take it. Tell me Amir, have you ever even gotten your fucking touched? All right, you know what? Hey, here you go. Here's your stupid voice box back, all right? Sorry for trying to have some fun. Oh, great. Now I look like a complete a**hole. He started it, but...
Anybody?
I'm sorry about what happened. I said some things that it didn't mean.
Nah, I mean it's fine, whatever, you know. You're so bad, Amir, aren't you? Nah, we're cool. All right, let's pound it out. It's so good, you're so... I like it a lot. Try not to breathe. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_sarah_sherman_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Hello there, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, just hours ago, President Biden won the South Carolina Democratic Primary, barely edging out his closest rival, Time. As you may have seen on your aunt's Facebook, many Maga personalities are claiming that the Super Bowl is being rigged so that Kansas City wins and Taylor Swift can come onto the field with Travis Kelsey and endorse Joe Biden. Man, Maga people have so many enemies to keep track of. you have to hate the Nfl, Taylor Swift, Bud Light, Disney, Kristen Stewart for some reason, electric stoves, windmills, the concept of rainbows, and the green M&m.
And you have to think that everybody in the government is a secret pedophile except for this guy dancing with Jeffrey Epstein. I mean, isn't that the happiest you've ever seen Trump? he's dancing like nobody's checking Ids.
Hey, President Biden made a drastic change in his immigration policy, saying he would be willing to shut down the border. If giving the power by Congress is the kind of unexpected shift in direction Biden usually only makes in the middle of a sentence. the Biden campaign is trying to appeal to black voters. As polls show, their support for Biden has declined. it's getting so bad he now only has support from Obama's White half. then you guys all forget. In some great economic news for President Biden, U.s. oil production hit an all-time high this week, and the economy added a surprisingly robust 350,000 jobs.
Or as Fox News reported it, are migrants turning your kids trans? campaign finance records show that in the last six months, the Super Pacs behind Donald Trump spent $50 million on Trump's legal fees, And that's with the cheapest, worst lawyers on the planet. Can you imagine spending $50 million on the people who just lost you $83 million? I mean, this lawyer did such a bad job in court, I thought her actual name was overruled Shutdown. Nikki Haley has launched a series of campaign ads targeting both Donald Trump and Joe Biden called grumpy Old Men. Okay, but at least they're men. Chicago became the largest U.s. city to call for a ceasefire in Gaza, and in return, Gaza called for a ceasefire in Chicago. the Fcc is preparing to criminalize unsolicited robocalls that use Ai to impersonate politicians, but you can still impersonate Ted Cruz by shaving a sloth's face. Black History Month started on Thursday, 20 minutes late. during a Senate hearing on child Safety, online meta Ceo Mark Zuckerberg turned to the audience and apologized to families of children who were harmed by social media. the family said they were surprised and, quote, chilled to the bone. that's a horrifying man. Nbc has announced plans for a spin-off to the hit series Suits, which will be set in Los Angeles. it will focus on Meghan Markle's character's struggle to balance her legal career while also caring for an unemployed immigrant.
I like that one. Pizza Hut in Canada has gone viral after employees posted a sign on the door explaining that the location was closed due to unforeseen circumcisions. it was obviously a misprint because Pizza Hut loves extra toppings. a racehorse in Ohio, which had won a race early in the day, later tested positive for meth. Ohio, where you have to test horses for meth.
Police in Kansas found a stolen statue honoring Jackie Robinson, but say that it was damaged beyond repair. Also, police shot it because it refused to drop the bag.
I like this crowd a lot, man. a family in Michigan whose duck lost its mate placed a personal ad online to find the bird a new partner. and in a loving act of understanding, they even specified Power Bottom. a woman in Utah who gave birth to her eighth child just two weeks ago is competing in the Mrs. World Beauty Pageant. I guess she just can't get enough crowning. Well, a lot of people ask me how to get tickets for Snl and one of the ways is through the ticket lottery. Here to comment on his experience: winning a ticket to the show is 18-year-old Cj Rossitano. Big fan of the show. in fact, you could say I've always felt strangely drawn to it.
Well, thanks so much for coming. are you here with your mom and Dad? I wish. I never met my dad. or at least, I don't think I have. Oh, wow. wow, yeah, I'm so sorry to hear that. but it's such an honor to be here, Mr. Colin, And it's so close by. me and my mom live right over on 47th and 5th. Oh, wow, that's funny. that's where my former housekeeper lived. So, so your Dad's not in the picture? Nope. my mom never even told me his name. she just said he was known as El Diablo de Los Hamptons. Wow, yeah, I don't know. he sounds misunderstood.
Well, I don't know much about my daddy, Mr. Colin, except that my mama said that he has an unusual penis, just like mine. unusual how? Small and curly, like a pig's tail. Yeah, I've heard it's called a porcine penile maladaptation, and it's actually really common. one out of every four billion people have it. So two people in the whole world? And the cats are hanging on a silver spoon. my mom says I'm getting more and more like my daddy every day. I'm not even allowed to have a phone anymore because I was taking too many upskirt photos. But I've had some luck, too, like I'm dating this gorgeous girl who's the lead actress in all the school plays, and no one can figure out why she's with me. has anything like that ever happened to you, Colin? nope.
And don't you sometimes just feel like you're better than everyone else? No reason to feel that way.
Anyway, thanks for the tickets, Colin. I love the show, especially that Sarah Sherman. listen, she may be way too loud, but after she blows that one line in a sketch, I love watching her walk that dump truck ass out the studio. Favorite view in the city, Amigo. Well, it has been great having you. one of three, what's your favorite food? One, Two, Three, cocaine! Papa! my son, everyone! when we get up there, I'm calling you. I'm Michael Caine tonight! Thanks for watching! |
TheOnion | Obama_To_Enter_Diplomatic_Talks_With_Raging_Wildfire | In a bold move today, President Obama announced he will try to negotiate with the raging wildfire, which has so far burned over 14,000 acres in California. This morning, White House deputy press secretary, Brenda Inglet, announced the president is confident he can convince the flames to stop incinerating everything in their path. The president plans to make the wildfire understand that our difficulties are shared difficulties, that it's not man against fire, but man and fire working out their differences. President Obama is already en route to Santa Barbara County where he will be shuttled into the maw of the inferno.
Here to talk about what this means is Jason Copeland from Politico.com. Hi Dan.
Jason, this fire has burned over 300 homes so far. It's growing larger by the hour.
What is Obama's strategy here? Well look, you know, previous administrations have immediately resorted to putting wildfires out but this is a different president and he just didn't think that a combative approach with hoses and axes would be the best way to solve this crisis. But Jason, so far the fire has refused to acknowledge any of the overtures the president has made. He sent a letter requesting it cease its destruction and the fire apparently incinerated it without even reading it.
That's true. But I mean look, politically this is a stroke of genius I think, I mean, the most powerful man in the world is offering an olive branch to this petulant fire and the fire looked pretty bad here, childish even, just burning it up like that. And Obama is also going to present the fire with a gift, a charred table leg from the White House that was torched by the British in the War of 1812. That's exactly right. As the president said in a recorded statement, fire has a complex, beautiful, and at times destructive history, but we would be remiss if we did not recognize its unique ability to create as well. Yes, and that must have been the idea behind all those photo ops with the various fires over the past few days while the wildfire was destroying homes. I think it was, yeah.
But Jason, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's meeting with the fire two days ago was considered a total failure. Well, it certainly didn't go well.
And then there are a lot of conservatives who aren't convinced we should even be approaching the fire. Here's what Wendell Mack had to say on his syndicated radio show this morning. Obama puts fire first. You know, some people say, Wendell, you're crazy. It's not like he gets up in the morning and thinks, what can I do to help fire? Well, you know what, folks, I'm not so sure he doesn't. And what do you make of that? Well, look, I mean, you know, as Obama has said himself numerous times, if he wanted to, he could talk to the clouds and get them to unleash a great rainstorm upon the wildfire. But that's not this president. It's going to require all of the president's diplomacy skills to make the fire see that putting itself out is what's best for both parties.
All right. Thank you, Jason Copeland.
Later in the hour, we'll look at the rumor sweeping the internet that Obama himself is born of fire. Moving on, a new report finds extramarital affairs cause happiness in scientists. |
Wizards_with_Guns | chess_twister_and_nuclear_war_are_the_same_game_ | I said ah agent Lancaster the pleasure is always please the pleasure is perfectly proportional professor pepperone I'm simply admiring all your fine work agent and it appears you've been admiring my work for quite some time well take a good look professor because it's the last thing you'll ever see looking for these I knew you'd come in armed that's where snuck into your office in order to oh my it's gone damn it pepperone what do you want we already thwarted your assassination attempt on the Prime Minister oh and while we were struggling I called for backup and my six is closing in Kings night to the bishops file night takes on d6 check I'm surprised you remember our little game agent allow me to finish it your people investigating the assassination have no doubt found plenty of evidence framing you for the whole thing oh where my six is coming all right but they're coming for you pawn tonight square for Queens Bishop to the fifth square Bishop takes rook checkmate while you were playing your mind games I contacted your dealer since you blacklisted me I had the perfect cover to purchase the plutonium that you've been after for so long skip turn skip turn draw two yellow reverse draw four uno you come and slap you mean you purchased the decoy plutonium from me now I have the funds to complete my master plan third block second row 2.6 pounds of pressure per square inch it seems your plans are toppling over agent you Austrian Cyclops that money is being traced as we speak now we have the accounts of your entire organization left hand blue left leg green you've been caught red-handed right hand red twister yes yes perfect thank you I just received confirmation your headquarters are now in flames operations over what the operations just begun no no I mean operations over oh well we already evacuated the building thanks to a tip from one of your men guess who who was it I won't kill them anything just tell me no no the game guess who oh I get it but not everyone escaped your mother was still inside visiting for your birthday she was vaporized in the explosion sorry wait what do you mean sorry like the game no I'm I'm sorry your mom's dead I'd like to purchase the railroad games I was winning while you were signaling Berlin I infiltrated the UN while you destroyed my submarines I hacked into Parliament and while you hid the Dalai Lama I stole the lunch codes the nukes are raining down as we spit the nukes everything feeling all right professor what did you do you mean what did you do to yourself professor you see that bullet you swallowed was poison-tipped courtesy of mi6 looks like it's game over even if I die those nukes are coming no matter what you're too late you lose did I or did I win three in a row I win who is it Jeremy what's wrong ever since you blackness me I had the perfect color color red |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_angel_on_the_return_of_wendy_s_vanilla_frosty_snl | This week, Wendy's announced they'd be bringing back their Vanilla Frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022. here to talk about it with her. Good news report is every boxer's girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever. How you doing? how are you, Angel? I'm better.
Well, does your boyfriend, Tommy, have a fight tonight? He better not. because the last guy hit Tommy so hard, there's no more clams in his chowder. I love him so much. But I swear to God, if he fights again, I'm taking the Kiss of my Sisters.
God, well, in good news, the Vanilla Frosty is making a comeback. Oh, come on. what is it? Wendy's, You think a Vanilla Frosty has a shot going up against chocolate? you're sick. So, Vanilla Frosty, if I see you back on the value menu, I'm not taking the Kiss to Wendy's.
I'm taking the Kiss of my sisters. All of them, All of them. Mikey, Nicky's, Peppa's, Kino, and the twin.
How you doing, Okay, Angel? barely, barely. I'm doing a lot better than Tommy, I can tell you that.
Creed ruined Mj. wait, Tommy fought Adonis Creed? Creed hit Tommy so hard as I flew out. landed in Peppa's lap. the one night I forgot to take the Kiss of my sisters. Jesus. So where is he? I know Creed's here. you've been advertising the fight all week. Creed vs. Lil Baby, live on Peacock. Angel, there's no fight tonight. Oh yeah? then what's all this? Cams, sold out crowd. I'm looking at Jamie Foxx and Gina Gershon sitting front row next to Cocaine Bear. that's just a black guy sitting next to a white woman in a big coat. I don't care, I want Creed. Thank you. Adonis Creed, You know you're the reason my kid's dad watches more Sesame Street than they do. You ever think about us, Angel? don't. Remember, before Tommy, there was Creed-y. You remember Lil Nicky? he's yours, Creed. What?
Tommy never asked why one of his kids was black? Tommy don't see color. that's nice. No, he don't see any color, numbers, or shapes. this potato is baked, Creed-y.
Angel, look at me. you're coming home with me tonight. But what about Tommy? What about the kids? Listen, from now on, I'm taking the kids to your sisters. my freakin'' boss's girlfriend and Adonis Creed, Everybody.
Michael Chase. I'm Tommy Chase, Good Night. |
dropout | kiss_the_girl_continued | You see her, sitting there across the way She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her And you don't know why, but you're dying to Try wanna kiss the girl Yeah, you kissed her, easier than I thought it would be Now you know it's time to see what else she'll be up for Surely it won't hurt if you go for the show now that you kissed the girl See me with me now La la la la, forget her face Sit on to a second base, go on and feel their boobs La la la la la, mukumbra It's just like Mardi Gras in New Orleans with their dudes How's your moment?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Give me a load, they belt Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Wait till you tell your friends you felt A bad girl in a robot Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Now she's getting wet and you know you'd regret not trying to only care La la la la la, in the riposte Riding you like a horse, this parade is so fine La la la la la, chiding but okay, she's not a slut You're overstepped in line La la la la, apologize, you're not like other guys Don't think she's buying meat La la la la la, afford this time you fell Just short, kudos for trying |
dropout | the_party_pt_2_sponsored | Uh oh, we're here at Tommy Africa's about to head in another stop on the Coors Light Gulf Experience pub crawl and I've seen some rowdy people heading in here, there go a couple of our favorites, so it should be a good time. Come on in. I don't have a chair, you're being very rude because why don't you get up and give me your chair please? I'm squatting here like a total idiot.
Do you like your legs? What? Do you like your legs? Because if you like your legs you don't want me to sit on your leg.
Do you know that you get paired up with like a hot girl for your caddy tomorrow? God, you are a boy. I love that girl. Let's talk to you some more. Later, so. Do you expect things to get a little crazy in here later?
Well, I've been in Whistler for three years now myself, I know how things go. It's a lot like Vegas, you can't handle yourself, you're usually in trouble. A lot of bars, a lot of parties. It's usually a good time when you come to Whistler. Really a whole lot of wings right there.
How many chickens died to go into that little tray? That's a lot of dead chickens. That's a ton of dead chickens. Ladies dead chicken?
What do you expect for tonight? Music, a lot of people, really cold beer with a minus two, sub zero. Is that a Coors Light product? Yes. Okay, good. Then yes, what a fantastic beer that is. I love this beer in Whistler. And that's saying something because this is a freezing place.
This is kind of like when you go to college, it's kind of like what you imagine happens. You walk into a bar, everyone's like woo! And they just start handing you beers. And of course we know that doesn't actually happen. Except here, where, oh god.
You guys have a game plan for the bar, and do you have a game plan for the course? Neither of us have ever actually played a game of golf before, so we're just going to swing it, wing it, you know, swing it. That's pretty much how it goes, you swing it, then you swing it again, and then you keep doing that. And until people behind you get mad, you get it in the hole, you know, sometimes you miss, sometimes you get it in. Wait, is this the plan for the bar or for the golf course?
Look at this, the mountains are blue, so we know that's real ice. What would you do to get this beer inside here? Would you leave your hand on here and melt it down?
Not even for a course like to? Yo, what up girls? Hi. Having fun?
Yes, amazing. Amazing.
Why are you dancing with, you said do you find any boys to dance with? No. They're coming soon? They're tricking. It's really hard, I can't, who am I? No, no, no, no, I'm white, I'm sorry, I'm white. |
cracked | the_pledge_of_allegiance_was_a_scam_to_sell_american_flags_american_griftstory | I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United, yeah there's a scam, every word of it. American Griftstory. The Pledge of Allegiance is a scam to sell U.S. flags. In the late 1800s, magazine marketer James B. Upham created the pledge of allegiance to bilk children into buying American flags.
I'm not a bad guy, I'm an American, and I did what I did with the best of intentions. That's right, money. With waves of immigrants arriving in the United States at the end of the 19th century, many at the time believed it was important to instill a sense of national pride. You've got to remember there were no national treasures back then.
No, Dolly, pardon? No leaves Armstrong. Cardi B would be born for another 110 years.
Kids needed something to look up to. Upham worked in the marketing department for a magazine called The Youth's Companion, which was always hustling for side gimmicks to bring in additional revenue. We didn't have an Anna Wintour budget like those millionaires over at Highlights for Children. You have any idea how high the day rate is for talent like Goofus and Gallant?
Upham convinced the youth's companion to sell flags. While there's no evidence that I created Old Glory at the request of George Washington, it's important to keep the story going to maintain my reputation as a liar. At the magazine, Upham spearheaded the schoolhouse flag movement to hawk as many U.S. flags as possible. James was adamant that he'd profit off the school children quite adamant, like Mel Gibson adamant. I want to see the flag over every schoolhouse. What's more, I want the children to put it there themselves. And I want them to raise the money to buy their flag.
I love this game.
Upham urged young readers to write to the magazine for free cards, which represented shares of school flags that they'd sell themselves. This certificate, representing a 10-cent contribution, entitles the horror to one share in the patriotic influence of the school flag. It was the game stock of 1880. When a kid sold a hundred cards, they sent the money to the youth's companion and received a flag.
That sum was the equivalent of around $300 in 2021 dollars, or $682 per star in 1891 stars. I didn't see one dime. I could barely afford to cremate my three husbands. Between 1888 and 1891, the youth's companion sold 25,000 flags. But that wasn't enough for Upham.
Anticipating parades, fireworks, and other public events, Upham proposed centering each local celebration at a public school. The nub of this program must be what all the children say in unison when the flag is raised. It has to be some sort of pledge of allegiance to the flag. Yeah, they'll pledge allegiance to the flag, and at some point we'll come up with a catch of your title. To ensure schools took part in the Columbus Day flag-raising ceremony, I have nothing to do with America, Upham went to Congress.
And to write this new pledge, he tapped Francis Bellamy, an ex-minister that the youth's companion had on staff. People think that I'm the one that added under God, since I'm a preacher, but no. That got tacked on 50 years later. I pitched the phrase dilly dilly, but it didn't make the final cut. With the pledge in place...
Oh, we cut that Nazi-looking part. ...schools bought hundreds of thousands of flags. We weren't printing magazines, we were printing money. You realize I sewed flags until I went blind, right?
But no, one of the most beloved and well-known women of American history couldn't possibly be telling the truth.
And what about the pledge? Oh, it's wonderful. Of course, Upham and the youth's companion really did seem to care about patriotism, and schools kept the pledge going long after the Columbus anniversary had passed. I can't stress this enough.
I have never stepped foot in your country.
But these campaigns all came out of the marketing and subscriptions department. Editorial wanted no part of it.
If this was purely about loving the nation, you'd think they have kids pledging pledges to America itself first and foremost, not just a symbol of America. Money is the symbol of America. And if you've got a problem with kids selling stuff to better their communities, don't take it out on me. Take it out on the Girl Scouts.
Mmm. All these things are great. Hi.
If you like this video, we're going to be making more of them. So subscribe here at the Cracked YouTube channel, youtube.com slash Cracked. Hey, we have videos coming out every week, and these cookies are not real Girl Scout cookies. Well, I don't really recommend them, but if they're our sponsor, I highly recommend them. |
cracked | action_movies_do_family_trauma_weird_yboc | Hey there nerds, I'm Family Dr. Jordan Breeding and welcome to Your Brain on Crack, the only show that doubles as a babysitter while you head out to the dog tracker, the horse tracker, you know, wherever adults go, mind dancing. And speaking of things that adults do... Despite movies actually being perfect for avoiding talking to our families, a lot of films can't help but remind us that our relatives exist. That's why we get movies like The Godfather, Terms of Endearment, and that one where Steve Martin raw-dog way too much. And Hollywood isn't slowing down with the familial stories, and that's causing some oddly specific family-based tropes to keep popping up over and over again, like Steve Martin's rock-hard love for his wife. Looking for a girl wants to do a little of this, okay? More and more blockbusters feature a protagonist who, in the end, forgets their blood relations and embraces a new family, usually comprised of a ragtag gang of lovable miscreants. Of course, the most obvious example is the Fast and Furious movies, in which the prevailing theme of the franchise is life is mostly about loving your greasy, muscular family so that you can later rob people and or maybe save the world. And to hammer that home, the characters constantly say the word family, like they're being held hostage by an olive garden. And while it may have fewer Tokyo drifts and coronas, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 does the same thing, but even more explicitly.
Star-Lord discovers his dad is Kurt Russell, which sucks. And even worse, it turns out that he's also an evil anthropomorphic planet monster who apparently believes Dairy Queen's slogan should be, The woods behind our stores are perfect for impregnating women. So Chris Pratt kills his dad and realizes Rooker Schmerf was his true father all along, and also a bunch of raccoons and tree people all agree they're family now. He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't yet.
Wet-ass P-word. Shazam and the 2016 Ghostbusters remake end with a group of friends accepting each other as a new family also, and the weirdest example of this trend is definitely Suicide Squad, the one with no the. Drop the the. Towards the end of the movie, though, the titular gang of hardened criminals who look not unlike a waterlogged Evanescence cover band have a brief drink together and chat for like four or five minutes. Then in their final battle, El Diablo. fucking stupid name for a superhero. Have you heard of the pyrokinetic homeboy? El Diablo, the tough guy with the superpowers of a six-year-old Drew Barrymore, sacrifices his life because he doesn't want to lose another family.
But really, these guys are now your family. You literally just met them like a day or two ago. You think that these clown hookers and crocodile mutants with whom you shared a quick shot of Jim Bean with are on par with your dead wife and child? Does your wife dress up as a clown hooker?
Doubt it. Why not?
And see, that highlights the sad relevancy of this movie trend. As your grandma's always telling you, the divorce rate is actually pretty high in America, and it's thankfully on the decline. But even still, it's estimated that 50% of today's kids will experience a breakup of their primary family unit at some point. Now, sometimes this is totally necessary, but it's undeniable that kids tend to not love when their parents split up.
And then those kids grow up, and some of those kids write movies. Like, for example, the writer of Shazam was raised by his stepdad. The writer of the Ghostbusters reboot was a childhood divorce. The guy that wrote Suicide Squad and was a writer on the first Fast and Furious was kicked out by his parents when he was a teenager. And even James Gunn went through a divorce back in 2008. Maybe it's no coincidence a big chunk of modern action movies are written by people desperately wanting to believe family is something you can choose, rather than what's foisted upon you by simply existing.
That's both pretty cool and a little sad. But don't think about it too long! Explosion Cartier space rap!
Speaking of not having the traditional number of parents, one of the easiest ways to get us to sympathize with a character is to have them lose their mom, be it Bambi or Cinderella or Belle from Beauty and the Beast. You know, basically just every Disney movie character. And just pray that Walt Disney doesn't thaw out one day and come after your mom.
Or on your mom! You can't imagine how excited I am to finally **** you. You're so scary, you got the little mustache. He's got that little...
Support the Nazis. Too, he's like, I love the Nazis and I'm coming on your mom and I'm like, no!
We're still killing everybody's moms today, but now instead of blowing away dear mommies, recent action movies keep featuring a character mourning the loss of their human mommies. Mommy? Sorry, mommy? But in a decidedly action-backed twist, they'll almost always later discover that mommy is really alive in some secret magical place, now significantly older than when we last saw her and usually sporting some new freaky armor.
Ooh. Anyway, Aquaman learns his mother was executed for presenting her cloaca to a land lover. Wet-ass cloaca. And that's something that I honestly don't disagree with. But then much later in the movie, Aquaman falls through some sort of underwater wormhole or aqua hole or blowhole and amazingly finds that Atlanta has been alive this whole time, just living inside of an abandoned AMC.
We need that, all of us. That indescribable feeling we get when we come...
No, but really, she's on a dinosaur-filled beach at the Earth's core because... And at first, Aquaman doesn't recognize her because she's wearing some kind of crazy lobster xenomorph suit, but then she takes her helmet off and reveals that she's his mom but with gray hair to denote the passage of time. And Ant-Man and the Wasp hope believes her mom, Janet, is dead, but then Scott starts dreaming about Michelle Pfeiffer like pretty much everybody did in the 90s and they realize she's maybe alive inside the Quantum Realm, prompting Hank Penn to launch a full-blown acid flashback nightmare rescue mission. And what do you know? They find a stranger wearing some kind of armored suit that just so happens to be Hank's not-dead-wife's sexy cloaca. She's been living inside of this psychedelic hellscape for literal decades because Marvel needs a couple hundred backup realms and universes just in case they need to retcon something later. And how to train your dragon too, young Hiccup reunites with his long-lost mother who again turns up alive in a mysterious faraway land and wearing some pretty off-putting armor. This trope was subverted somewhat by the recent Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings which does feature a dead mom in a magical village, but the lure of her voice was only a trick.
Getting to release a bunch of demon-like creatures from out of the dark gate which does underscore the moral of this movie and most movies which is don't open something called the dark gate. Come on. It's a bad game. But the biggest inversion of this inexplicable trope comes in Detective Pikachu which ends with our hero discovering that his dead dad is A, still alive and B, instead of a fantasy land, his dad was actually stuck inside of Pikachu which is probably a crime in the States but in Japan, it's just a Tuesday. If your dad was here, he would be so hard. Your bones would pop. I'm not saying that all of these writers' moms and Ryan Reynolds disappeared when they were young and they're secretly hoping they'll find them one day in a magical realm in sporting power armor but I'm not not saying. Come.
Some writers write about strained relationships with their parents but some write about how they want to bang their parents to death. Star Wars is essentially the story of a young boy trying to kill his dad with an electric dildo and Back to the Future is about a boy desperately trying not to bang his mom and like just barely missing. He's just like Don't put anything about hitting her. You're just going to take a few liberties with her. See the edible complex and unconscious lust for the mother and hatred for the father won't die and continues to manifest in a surprising amount of modern mainstream movies. It's no secret that the DC Extended Universe is a tangled web of neuroses and anxieties but Zack Snyder's Justice League really wears its psychosexual issues right on top of its sculpted rubber codpiece.
I will come. Come, come, come.
For starters, the whole movie is about the villain trying to get his fingers all up inside of his mother's box. And incidentally, the box is kept on top of a pedestal that look kind of like a dick. Plus, let's not forget that this is a sequel to a movie in which two super-powered bros only stop from murdering each other because their moms were both named Bertha. Marvel gets in on this sexy action too. As I mentioned, Guardians of the Galaxy 2 has Star-Lord fighting and killing his space dad to defend his mom's pussy. And even Spider-Man Homecoming plays out a version of the edible urge. Peter Parker's maternal figure is Aunt May who almost everyone relates to on a sexual, deep sexual level, probably because she looks like Marissa Tomei. And in a surprising twist, it turns out that the villain is Peter's girlfriend's dad. And while this is not his actual dad, Peter's assent to manhood is still dependent upon him taking out a dad and having sex with its offspring. And also, that dad is 80s Batman and therefore the metaphorical dad to all modern superheroes. So you'll get my point. Perhaps the most on-the-nose version of this is Edgar Wright's Baby Driver in which the hero whose lack of sexual experience is underscored by the fact that his name is literally Baby.
Well, he falls in love. And who does he fall in love with?
Why, a waitress named Deborah from the same diner where his mom worked. And if that's not enough, in Baby's fantasies, he gives Deborah a different haircut that looks more like his mom's, which makes me feel weird. And fulfilling the wanting to murder your dad part of this complex, we learn that Baby's mom was abused by his alcoholic father and then in the third act, Baby finds himself battling a wrathful John Hamm, who, you know, is a guy that's famous for playing a crappy, alcoholic dad.
You keep it down, trying to drink. Man, movies are weird, especially if you take a couple leaps, which I guess we're doing. What's that?
But okay, so that was all pretty dark and sad and sexy, but not all blood relatives are bad. In fact, there's a whole slew of movies that rewrite the laws of genetics just to showcase how cool it is to be related to our actual family. Like we all inherit something from them, right? Like looks, medical conditions, haunted estates we can only claim by spending the night, but family positive characters are always passing on specific skill sets to their offspring, as if they were some kind of dominant expertise gene.
Take Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. The character of Mutt is just a typical leather-clad greaser, but once we find out that he's secretly Indy's son, he realizes he's apparently inherited incredible feats of adventuring from his old man, such as swinging from vine to vine along with his CGI monkeys from Jumanji. But unlike Indiana Jones, he doesn't brutally kill a ton of people in the process. So I guess he pushed out on that gene. Clearly this was meant to tee up Mutt as a replacement for Indy and further adventures. A plan that backfired one child above pivoted from acting to end sincere public apologies, forcing Harrison Ford to once again risk his 80-year-old bones hunting fake treasures. What's the challenge for you in coming back to the same role years later? Trying not to look silly. Just do it! But the Mutt stuff makes even less sense, considering that Indy's father in The Last Crusade was a bookish nerd, and definitely not the rough-and-tumble adventurer type. Like, we spent a whole movie learning that these specific character traits aren't genetic, but, you know, family.
Dad! Oh, dad!
Whatever. Moving on.
In The Boondock Saints, the big screen adaptation of the popular early 2000s dorm room poster, the twins seemingly inherited their gunplay talents from their dad, even though they never knew him growing up because he was in prison. It's as if being a badass, hired killer is like the male-patterned baldness of this universe. That was a good time to fucking kill! And the heroine of the recent Scream reboot turns out to be the secret love child of the killer from the original movie, and in the end, while fighting the new ghostface, she warns him to never mess with the daughter of a serial killer before grabbing a knife and stabbing the crap out of him. Like with The Boondock Saints, this character never knew her father, but in the world of Scream, apparently she is just biologically predisposed to have an aptitude for stabbing people with a giant hunting knife. When will science isolate the stabbing gene?
Just do it! So don't worry, kids. Your parents might be getting a divorce because your magical armor-wearing mom keeps going out for cigarettes which cause you to want to have sex with and or kill them both, but maybe they genetically pass along their sick lightsaber skills that'll help you fall in with a criminal gang that can become a blood-thirsty family surrogate. I think my doctor work here is done. You're welcome. You have AIDS. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_97_Chris_Masters | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, recording here live from the old city district in Batutah. I'm joined by myself, Clancy Overall, and editor-at-large Errol Parker, and this week we have a titan of investigative journalism and just Australian media in general. He's visiting Batutah, but just because he's a man of that age and in western Queensland does not mean he's retired.
Chris Masters, thank you for joining us. Thank you.
Far from a grey nomad. Oh, a little bit grey, yeah. It's still a nomad though.
My dad was a schoolteacher and it was the only job where you could be a nomad and have job security, so I think that got into my system a bit. You did bounce around a little bit as kids. Mid-North Coast boy, and then educated in Sydney. Mid-North Coast, went down to Sydney for my last couple of years, Macquarie Boys High, Ray Hadley, Ray Price territory, and then last year of the Leaving Certificate, joined the ABC straight out of school.
Got married young, I was only like 20, three years later, and married a Gunnedah girl before it became fashionable, you know. But I missed those country towns, so did my wife, so first chance we got. There's more to it, but we bolted back to the bush. Yeah, right. So Gunnedah, did you spend any time there?
Well I did at Tamworth, I was at the ABC at Tamworth, I was at Albury. First day at Albury, arrived there, very nervous because I hadn't really broadcast before, and I'm listening to the local radio station, and the Mayor of Albury, Cleaver Bunton, happened to be one of the Stringer Broadcasters, so I can still remember the first Broadcaster I listened in to, he said, here is the news from the Riverina in North-Eastern Victoria, prepared by Cleaver Bunton and read by Cleaver Bunton, today the Mayor of Albury, Alderman Cleaver Bunton, said...
So multi-skilling, yeah, that was the truth, and actually, I mean, if people ask me today where I really learned investigative journalism, it was in those little communities, because you wake up in the morning and nothing's happened, and you wake up the next day and nothing's happened again, you know. Whereas the people who are dumped in the big city newsrooms with lots of education and might necessarily get the education that matters because they never leave the studio and they're given their stories. You can't really teach that in a classroom where if you dump like a young reporter into a community that's quite small that he's not familiar with, you've got to kind of work out for yourself how to borrow one of your terms, how to get inside the tent. And that is something that you can't really teach, so how did you really learn how to get in there in the first place? Well, you know, when I look back on it, I think most of what I learned was outside the industry, you know. Wherever you come into the industry, you come into a little sort of microculture, and they teach you what they think is important, and the good thing about those stories out in the bush was, one, you had to dig, so you had to meet people.
You really calibrated your moral compass. You had no choice, because if you reported on people and you were a bit too tough on them, you'd know it the next day. You couldn't be like an Alec Jones and be a coward behind the microphone and belt up everybody you liked because you'd never run into them, so that was a good thing.
The other thing I think was interesting about it is that as we Batutah boys know, when you grow up in a place like that, you talk to everybody, and this is very dangerous for journalists. When I started doing the police corruption work, I saw there were a lot more experienced journalists around who weren't really going for that sort of stuff, and I wondered why, and then over time I came to realise that they'd go into toxic shock at the idea of talking to somebody with a tattoo, whereas you come from a rural community, you're used to talking to the mayor, you're used to talking to the guy who cleans the gutters, the footy coach, et cetera. And do you think it helps in that kind of cadetship or just outpost kind of position you're in where you actually are a bit of an outsider too, and you're probably not looking to set up there forever? Well that's also true, I remember that. You don't want to be born and raised in the town, you're breaking stories. That was the problem, that was actually probably a big reason why I ended up back in the city, which wasn't ever what I expected, but when you do the same story and then you do it again the next year, and then the next year you start to look for challenges a little bit, and then of course a big story breaks in your area and you don't cover it, the guy who gets flown in from the city covers it, so I felt like I was starting to miss out a little bit too.
The ABC has a reputation now for whatever government's in power or whatever rival media gripe they have with the ABC, there's generational stigmas that the ABC carries. Right now there's this narrative that Ida had to come in and belt these lefties back into line.
What was the atmosphere at Aunty when you first started, was it a little religious or was it a little bit BBC? Very BBC, yeah.
I was there after the dinner suit period, but still and all, everybody sounded like Oxbridge. And the stories were the stuff they talked about at North Shore dinner parties.
It probably wasn't seen so much as lefty then, it was more paternalistic old England. Interestingly, having talked about that rural side, that's often forgotten. I actually didn't come up through the inner city lefty lot. I was actually working in country town radio stations.
People voted for the National Party. The National Party is still a big fan of the ABC.
They're in a lot of trouble if they say anything about them.
That's right. It's basically Batutah and the ABC that services the bush. I'd always defend the ABC, but when I was away and I came back and I probably had a slightly different perspective on things, I would notice the left leaning, but everybody leaned some direction. You have any funny stories from the ABC? Oh, well, when I first joined the ABC, this goes to the notion of ABC pluralism, of course.
I was waiting at the King's Cross studios, first day, it was 1966. The Commissioner was there. They used to hire these four police officers and they had to be at the front of house. And I was sitting there waiting to be called for an interview, and a woman came rushing in in a panic, and what had happened is, this is King's Cross, you know, and she'd been flashed at out in the street in Forbes Street, and the Commissioner was looking after her. And then she started to scream even louder because the guy who flashed at her walked in and he was on his way to work at the ABC.
So, yeah, I mean, they had the North Shore dinner party vibe, but they also had the inner city perverts as well. You wouldn't be getting that at Channel 9, would you? Now, tell us, when you started getting into the more investigative roles in town, did you kind of have to relish in that insider-outsider, you know, you've been to the bush, you're now in the city mindset because, you know, as you said, there was a lot of people that, one, would have had trouble talking to anyone who could give them any good information about, you know, a police pedophile sex ring or police corruption or anything like that, but also they had sources that they didn't want to burn that they'd been using for 20, 30 years. That's right. That's why the daily rounds don't really often crack the big stories in the daily rounds.
You know, the salary caps scandal was broken by Kate McClymont, you know, not one of the sports reporters. Not a league reporter.
Well, but my first story ever for Four Corners was the big league. It was about rugby league and I'm sure it happened for much the same reason. Ironically, the executive producer of the ABC at the time was brought in from Pommeland. Jonathan Holmes, ex-panorama, very, very smart guy. And he saw what a lot of people didn't see, the need to depomify, you know, Four Corners.
Charles Woolsey used to say it was like the elephant's graveyard there, you know. And so that was probably one of the reasons I got recruited because I was actually working on country wide, you know, from out of the rural space and they saw some work I did and it was in the bush and it was different and I didn't sound like I'd been to Cambridge. I definitely hadn't been to Cambridge.
And anyway, so they pulled me in and my brother is Roy Masters, the rugby league coach. And I was really into rugby league and I really liked it a lot, working class game. So my first story that I pitched was about professionalism in sport.
It was still a little bit North Shore dinner party, but still, you know, we could, we could get... You know, they're paying these heathens now. That's right. And the boot money for the rugby players and all that sort of stuff.
And then in the course of, I worked with a great, I was really lucky I had this producer who was an instinctive investigative reporter, Peter Manning. And I was digging in and we were starting to hear these stories about rugby league scandals, about Kevin Humphreys, the former head of the Australian Rugby League, which it was at the time, being involved in some sort of dodgy thing, you know, corruption. And we started looking into it and, you know, it suddenly had legs and the story took, as they often do, you start doing this and it takes you in a different direction. And so we ended up with the big league, which started a Royal Commission.
You at this point are a very inconvenient person for a lot of people, probably including your brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My brother, I was a problem as I realised that the story was going to do a lot of harm. Sorry, Roy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sort of tried to keep Roy out of it and I'm sure he did pay a price for it too. He rang me up after the program went to air and he told me he was proud of me, but at the time, you know, it was devastating in the NRL arena. Yeah.
I guess you have spent most of your career challenging and holding to account a lot of institutions that people want to believe are pretty good to go, you know, keep chugging along. Well, one of the things that I think happened is because I didn't have that traditional inner-city newsroom upbringing, I didn't know what I couldn't do, you know. So I was very open-minded about taking on big institutions and that is what I noticed about some of that early work, you know. When the big league happened, Jonathan Holmes said to me afterwards, well, Chris, you know, this sometimes happens, you know, your biggest story happens to be your first, don't ever expect it to happen again and I thought, I don't know, it doesn't sound right to me, you know, and I would say that the corruption stuff kind of found me rather than the other way around.
It was, people forget, you know, in the 1980s, like 1984, a police officer with a little toddler in his arms, you know, about to put him to bed at Chatswood, suburban Chatswood in Sydney, gets shot twice in the chest through the back window of his kitchen. I mean, you'd think about that happening in Columbia or Calabria, but no, it happened in Chatswood and the cops were very crook. It was almost like there wouldn't have been a police, a state police force in Australia that didn't have serious institutional corruption problems where, you know, if you worked in the armed hold-up squad, you made your money through armed hold-ups, you know.
One for you, one for me. If you worked in the drug squad, you know, you basically franchised the drugs trade and just controlled it and these stories shocked this little innocent bloke from Batootie, you know. Well, yeah, I'm just glad that Bob Carr was able to stamp it all out. Yes. You did a great job. I know.
You kind of find yourself in that position a lot where you're looking at people who have made their life, dedicated their life to doing something, something quite often it's something that's noble. And quite often you find out that they're actually doing the exact opposite whenever they get the chance or like almost aiding what they're trying to stop. What do you think goes on in the minds of a lot of these people? Do you think they are corrupted? Say police or, you know, Defence Force or, you know, Queensland State Government? Or do you think they get in there because they've got an itch to scratch? I think they become corrupted over time. I think, you know, it's almost like there's two people, two types of people in the world. Those who believe that humans are basically decent and will do the right thing. And those who believe that, you know, you do what you can get away with. That that first person can become that second person. That's one of the things that galvanised me about the cops stuff. Because you need a lot of moral energy to do this work.
I mean, honestly, it's not funny. It's really, really hard and demoralising, you know, you never talk to anybody that's cheerful. It's like, I've met so many disgruntled police officers, I was really still looking for a grundled one, you know.
Anyway, that was the... The coup de corps was this young police officer who was doing undercover work and he's been accepting money from a superior officer. And that really meant something, because that suggested systemic corruption, you know. And he didn't want to take the money, because taking the money was a crime against his conscience, but not taking the money was a crime against his career. He couldn't admit that he wasn't taking the money because they wouldn't trust him. And this just struck me as being outrageous, you know. We spend a billion dollars on a police force who end up working for the other side.
And I remember going into his house and I remember him telling me this story, but not really wanting me to do anything about it. I remember his wife, you know, who taught Indigenous kids in a local school.
They could have used the money. They really... They were living poor. But, give them massive credit, you know. They knew that it was wrong and they didn't know what to do.
So people talk about, you know, why we need journalists and why we need journalism. This is why we need journalism. You know, who else is going to do those stories?
The institution was massively failing. And I think that in the COPs, you know, there were almost three groups. There were the Boy Scouts who would never do the wrong thing, therefore they were never trusted and just put in benign areas. You know, there were the tough guys, the hard guys who drank with all the crooks and knew all the stuff. They'd become criminals, perhaps without realising it, they probably did. And you know, they were kind of the heroes of the police force, the bad guys. And then the biggest group is the group in the middle that just has to find a way to cooperate.
You know, so see no evil, hear no evil. And so the prefix goes straight from, you know, school captain to the police force who imagine they're going to follow the same trajectory, just stay at the bottom. Yeah, yeah. And that becomes very demoralising for the ones. That was one of the good things that happened, I think, that, I mean, people say that you'll never reform the police force, corruption will never go away, which is true enough. But there are significant differences between the police force of today and the one that I saw in the early 80s, you know, where coppers who got on were the ones who got on the piss at lunchtime, you know.
And now they kind of go to the gym or, you know, they go home to their wife and get... Sleep tattoos.
Yeah. Well, it's one thing to take what you learnt as a journalist in a small town and applying that to, say, to rugby league or to up the police force. But the first time you won a Gold Logie, correct me if I'm wrong, was investigating the sinking of the Rainbow Warrior, which was done by the French special forces. Yeah, DGSE. Yeah. How did you manage to take what you learnt investigating, you know, the cops, the rugby league, being a journalist in a small town, how did those skills help you with your first kind of overseas... Big. Yeah.
Big investigation. It was a very unusual story in that it was a big international story that happened to occur in our backyard. I mentioned Peter Manning before. He really should get a lot of credit for that because it was that sort of hanging around typewriters forever that somehow gave him an instinct that there was something more to this story. When it first happened, people didn't know the French Secret Service were behind it. Some lunatic ex-Vietnam vet or someone like that, you know, with a grudge against the greenies.
But anyway, he said, go over to Auckland, Chris, and have a look into this. And he said, you'd better take a back-up story. My back-up story was the New Zealand economy, you know. Wool's still good. So I actually had the file, the New Zealand economy file, and drank it from the ABC archive and then read on the plane.
And I think the first meetings I had were with business people and stuff like that. But then I turned up at the local cops. And then it started to break in front of me. It was classic old-style, wear-out-shoe-leather type journalism. You know, you've got to get out of the office. And here's a great story, I reckon. The moment that I knew that something was on with that story was when I was sitting with a New Zealand police officer who was on the case.
The locals, Genos, nicknamed him Lockjaw because he wouldn't tell us anything.
We'd been out and about. We'd been checking out a few things. We'd been to the car rental agencies. And the pattern started to form.
And I started to think, the French Secret Service are behind this. And I went into the police station, and I was just talking to Lockjaw. And I said, do you know what? I think the French Secret Service are behind this.
And it was just the look on his face. That's all. He'd never pick it up over the phone, let alone the internet. But the look on his face said to me, he agreed with me. So we poured everything into it.
And it was probably the only story that I ever did that was like an adventure story. It's how you'd wish journalism was, because it was exciting. Not to forget that it was built on the death of somebody. Journalism is also like being a vulture sitting on the top of the tree.
But I went to Noumea and chased them around the world. Ended up in Paris. Got to Paris and knew that this was an international story.
Knew that I was well in front of the media pack. Thought, what was I going to do? And I did a little bit of information trading, which is what happens in the security intelligence circles and journalism. And I thought, who would be the Brian Toohey of France? Who would be the guy that has good spy contacts? And we found such a guy. I met him and I said to him, look, I know a lot about what happened in New Zealand. It's going to be a big story here. Can you help me connect me to a few of your sources?
And he did. And then the timing was exquisite. The program went to air on the same night that the lead story in the news was that France had looked into this issue. And had nothing to do with the sinking of the Rainbow Warrior. And then we put this program to air. That demonstrably proved otherwise. And it got shown all around the world. They could have just held off on denying it by about 24 hours and it would have looked much less corrupt.
Yeah. Did that cause an international incident? Did that cause...
I remember the rugby matches and all the... To this day, France and New Zealand, the Kiwis talk shit about the French to this day. Well, I remember talking to the Australian foreign minister at the time and he privately told me, look Chris, this is the problem with being a really small country like Australia or New Zealand. He said, the superpowers can shit on us if they want to and they do. And when we were in Newmere and they thought we were New Zealanders, they were spitting on us. Like, how dare you complain about us invading your sovereignty? And there was a boycott on French lamb and all that sort of stuff.
But it did. It crashed all down around their ears.
Hernou was the French defence minister and he got sacked. I felt a bit sorry for the DGSE people because they were spies doing their job and they ended up getting locked up in a New Zealand prison.
It was funny because the other thing about that story, of course, is it's television. Television is mostly entertainment. It's this hybrid form where you put journalism together with documentary making and with what's going to win. I had to make a television program that people would want to watch and I'm interested in filmmaking. It was a perfect TV story but because nobody to interview, so what do you do?
You need a vehicle to tell the story. The vehicle literally was the vehicle. What had happened is the French Secret Service had hired a Newman's campervan and they were driving around in it pretending to be holidaymakers.
Then they put it in at the airport. This is why you don't commit terrorism in a village. The reason they got found out is because when they were going to drop the bomb onto the Rainbow Warrior, when they came back ashore, there was a neighbourhood watch group that were watching out because there had been pilferage on the yachts in Auckland Harbour. They spotted this campervan and they wrote down the number plate. They reported to the cops. Then the bomb goes off. The cops have this report. They trace the campervan. They're waiting at the airport when Prieur and Maffar, the French couple, turn up to take it back and that's how they were taken into custody.
So they did their forensics, which wasn't anything like CSI. They probably took about half an hour. They did their forensics and then the campervan went back to Newman's and we turn up the next day and say, can we rent that campervan? And we did. We rented the exact campervan that the Secret Service people used and then we just simply used it to retrace their steps and film the whole thing.
Really? So that added to the kind of theatrical element of the report on the TV show, but did they leave anything around? Did they leave anything?
Well, you know, they had a party. That was the thing about... They were spies, but they were also French. They were French, yeah.
One of them had an affair with a New Zealand police officer's wife. The campervan thing, the number plate being written down, that actually happened twice. There was a second group of them that met up in a forest, all very spooky, and somebody saw this group of people meeting in a forest and they thought that it was dodgy. So they actually wrote down that number plate as well.
So the French thought they were going to the South Pacific to have this mighty party, but they didn't realise that everything they do would be noticed. Yeah, in these small coastal towns. And because of the teenagers who'd been stealing stuff from boats over the weeks prior, the French Secret Service were... They must have thought that was so clever, too.
As you said, that was a big international story. And I guess another big story you did for Four Corners was almost international under Sir Joe's Queensland. It really wasn't much like Sydney at that point.
No, the Moonlight State. Well, here's my one joke about the Moonlight State.
I used to say, you could see corruption, it was visible. Just as they had the big prawn and the big pineapple and whatever, they should have had the big penis in Fortitude Valley. It was so obvious, and all the coppers dining in the Chinese restaurants for free, which was their given, but nobody doing anything about it. In many respects, the local media also gets drawn into it. Terry Lewis had been made Father of the Year, and he was being promoted as a great guy, and people were getting their stories, the cops were giving them drops, et cetera. Anyway, I used to think that all these coppers chewing on the gristle of corruption at the Chinese restaurants, if the AFP couldn't get them, and the NCA wouldn't get them, then the MSG might. Very cultured, corrupt police officers too, with their sweet and sour prawn.
That was very experimental for Queensland in the 80s. So just quickly, being there was the Moonlight State, and then they revisited it with Willacy on ABC Four Corners about two or three years ago when they'd released a lot of documents that had been sealed. There was a lot that I didn't know. It was funny because the dangers tend to be overstated. It's dangerous to work in investigative journalism in Colombia and Indonesia, but it's not so dangerous in Australia, so I don't want to play that up, but today, based on retrospectives, they would have killed me if they'd have known what was coming because there was a billion-dollar enterprise there, and suddenly everything was at stake. Politicians, senior lawyers, not just the brothel owners, they could simply go to jail because of this program, and the federal police did know things were going on because they were conducting phone taps. Were they all fairly new at that point? They'd been the Commonwealth Police. They weren't long the federal police, and they tended to be disparaged by the state police, but they had powers that meant that they could look into stuff, and they kept seeing that jobs were being blown, and they knew the cops were crook.
Anyway, I got in touch with a federal police officer who ended up becoming a good friend of mine. He was on that program. His name's Dave Moore, and he started looking out for me. I always thought I initiated the contact. It wasn't until he told me years later that actually they were worried about me. They thought that I could come to significant harm because I was starting to knock on too many doors, and the bad guys and the Queensland cops, let alone the criminal community, were starting to become a little bit unnerved. So they actually made no secret of their connection to me.
I mean, I was staying in the Tower Mill Hotel up on Wycombe Terrace. They told me to not use the phones. You know, the phones were being tapped. Was it the old saints song? The walls have eyes, the phones have ears. I used to, knowing that they were coming in and searching my room, I used to write bullshit stuff on the notepad, and then I'd tear the paper off, you know, because I knew they'd read the imprint. LAUGHTER And I... Give them dodgy tips for race eight. And I'd come down and go and use the local phone booth, and whenever I used the local phone booth, somebody in sensible shoes would move into the neighbouring one, you know, and so they were telling...
The feds... This is a special branch under Sir Joe? I think it was the BCI, the Bureau of Criminal Intelligence.
Yeah. And they... I remember being in the room at the Wycombe Terrace and Dave taking me over to the curtain and saying, see that brown Kingswood down there? That's a BCI car, you know. They traced another plate back. They used to rent old wrecks and, you know, use them for cop's work. One of the good things about developing anti-tail... Yeah. Anti-tailing and people following you is just be a shit-house navigator. Yeah.
Because one time I was driving down onto the freeway and realised I was going the wrong way and I was about to turn onto the on-ramp and I didn't want to, so I sort of put the brakes on and looked in the rear-view mirror to see if I could back up and I saw this car full of cops behind me. LAUGHTER So just to summarise for the listeners who might be a bit young and maybe only grew up under the extremely non-corrupt BT Bly Newman governments, Sergio, 1980s Queensland. By the back end, 1987, you release Moonlight State. And just to quickly summarise what was very much a very, very complex and probably well put together criminal organisation, there was a bribe syndicate going from street-level organised crime to the police to potentially higher than that. And actually I think you did find it was higher than that.
And there was a bag man running... The bag man was Jack Herbert. Jack Herbert.
They nicknamed the Joker, and of course the joke was on everybody. Yeah. The critical piece of evidence that was uncovered was the link between the underworld and the police hierarchy. The syndicates, as they were known, there were two major brothel-cum-illegal gambling syndicates. They would channel the money through Jack Herbert... Yeah. ..who was the bag man.
He was a pick-up, drop-off. He used to be a licensing branch. He never rose beyond Sergeant, ex-British copper.
I caught up with him afterwards. You know, we actually spent a bit of time together. And his wife hated me. I could remember her sort of staring daggers at me in the kitchen, but he knew it wasn't personal. Strangely enough, we were kind of bonded, I think, by such an intense experience.
He was a funny guy, really was. He admitted, honest to dishonest, in that he'd say, oh, my problem was, Chris, I was greedy. I just loved money. But he also loved his family.
And they got him in England. He pissed off to England. And they sent the Prime Minister's jet to pick him up, because he was such a big witness. And he rolled. His old mates, of course, hate him for that.
But look, they all roll. The jails are full of people who roll, no matter what they say.
Anyway, Jack became a protected witness, and they thought there was this massive price on his head, so they were watching him as closely as they could. But he kept turning up at his family's house, or they kept spotting him with his family, and they couldn't figure out why. What happened is that they put him in an apartment on the Gold Coast, and they knew that he was... Sounds like a nice, safe place for someone who may, you know, be bringing down the bee-ockey bears in government. Well, that's where he lived. He lived on one of those canal estates. But anyway, what he used to do was he'd get his beach towel and hang it over the balcony, and his wife and family would drive around the Goldie looking for that beach towel. So they kept finding him all the time.
I mean, there was the sex trade that was happening, and it's all very funny as well. I mean, in terms of the theatrical element, you have to offer in the documentary side of things. This is one of the most conservative governments we've seen in Australia, at a state level particularly. So you had this hardcore Lutheran, Sir Joe Byocki-Peterson, who flat-out banned condoms in Queensland. But there were a lot of people in his government and definitely the police force that were overlooking illegal brothels in casinos and marijuana. There was the North Queensland, the Italian connection from North Queensland was bringing in dope. And more than that. Joe couldn't stop the devil at the border, but he pretended he could.
And in some respects, also the power of television. If you had to look at what really made a difference with that program, and lots of other journalists worked on it, and lots of other journalists deserve a lot of credit for the hard work they put into it, looking back at it purely academically, trying to sort of figure out what it was that tipped that over the edge, and it made it a big issue. One of the issues probably was simply taking the cameras into the girlie bars, because that National Party heartland couldn't deny the imagery. So to many people it would have been benign, but they were genuinely shocked. There was some criticism that we shouldn't have put such lascivious stuff to air, but I actually reckon it actually helped a lot.
Well, that's how powerful the movement was behind Joe in terms of his Trumpian kind of, the original Trump with his elections and his campaigning. He was flipping Labor seats in inner city Brisbane to the National Party. So New Farm would have been, New Farm, Fortitude Valley was the National Party seat, and a lot of Australia, again, a lot of Queensland was kind of adhering to those kind of values.
So you definitely would have blown a lot of lids in terms of the base. He seemed omnipotent, and of course, absolute power, absolutely corrupt. And that's really what went wrong for him. What I didn't realize at the time was that his power base was crumbling. He had done the sort of Joe for Canberra tilt, and that didn't work so well.
And the thing about corruption is it's not just a moral issue, it's also a practical one. If you generate corruption, that means the bad guys win.
So the crappy developers were getting the good jobs as against the more reputable developers who were thinking, well, we paid money to the National Party, but we didn't pay enough. And so there was beginning to be a bit of a backlash, I think. I hadn't really seen that coming. But some of my allies, some of the people who supported the Fitzgerald inquiry were actually members of the National Party. They'd seen this going wrong.
So there's a funny story in the middle of all this in the Moonlight State. There was two coppers in Fortitude Valley who had a very intense night on the job one night where they kind of revealed to one another that they were both good guys. You're talking about the...
Cole Dillon? Oh, Cole Dillon, right, right, right.
So he was the young Aboriginal officer in Fortitude Valley. They gave him a bottle of scotch or something. Yeah, and he joined the police force for all the good reasons, you know, to help his people, reconciliation and all that kind of stuff. And then the scotch bottles just kept appearing in his locker.
Yeah, yeah, that's right. And one of the things about the crooked cops is they did have an antenna for one another. They would be able to sniff one another out. But thankfully it was also true of the other guys, you know. They tended to find one another.
And the whole story opened up for me because one of Cole's mates, a police officer called Jim Slade, who was the one I mentioned at the beginning, who was sitting in the room not wanting to tell me the story, an undercover cop who'd been offered a bribe by his superiors. He'd actually gone to a police college and shared a room with an intel guy from Canberra from the Australian Bureau of Crime and Intelligence called Peter Vassallo. Peter was the expert on Italian organised crime. So Peter was the one who told me about Jim and Cole, et cetera, and that's why I went up to Queensland.
So just quickly before we go, Chris, I just want to ask you how you were able to, you know, this is obviously a few years later, turn your focus onto a personality as opposed to an organisation with your work on Alan Jones and how you've been able to forge a career in the years after you've gone after the only man in the Australian media that you simply cannot talk about at all. There was an institution, and that, of course, was our own institution, this very institution broadcasting, you know. Is this your first talkback radio interview ever? Well, I remember thinking, you know, when Peter Ryan was the police commissioner, Bob Carr, you mentioned before, was the premier. Peter Ryan was an honest guy, you know, probably a bit out of the loop, you know, didn't really know what was going on.
He was brought in from England. And, in fact, he lived in my street. I knew him a little bit, and we weren't friends or anything. But he ends up being rolled by this sort of ugly cabal of people that I didn't have any respect for, you know, and Carr let that happen.
And I just thought, boy, this guy, Jones, is powerful, no doubt about it, you know. And I thought, yes, he works in my same industry, but I think, you know, you must challenge power and abuse of power wherever you see it. By the way, you know, Alan Jones and I were both inducted into the Australian Media Hall of Fame on the same night. The people, they put me up first because they knew that if I knew that Jones was going to get one as well, I wouldn't have turned up, and I wouldn't have either.
It just says a lot about our industry, doesn't it? You know, we couldn't be more different, but you don't have to have the same values to be elevated in the media industry. Do you find people you didn't even, wouldn't have even thought was in the inner circle, were in the inner circle giving you calls? Absolutely, you know.
I mean, you ended up writing a rather big book about the man, the institution. Because I'm sure that if we wrote an article about Alan Jones this afternoon, the phone would ring. Yeah, there are a lot of witnesses out there, and I think the story isn't over. But I mean, a classic interview would be like this. I would go into the office, a very well-appointed office of a high liberal, liberal person, and he would say to me, look, Chris, I know Alan is toxic.
You know, I know that he's a stain on democracy, but it just doesn't pay to oppose him. So the only way we can deal with him is to let him think we're doing what he wants to do, but we can never attend to his demands, because if we do, we're in massive trouble.
Do you find, I mean, at this point, your own brother is now a rugby league icon. Did you find that comes as an advantage as being Roy's brother? You weren't necessarily jumped on as hard as, you know, some... Maybe, maybe I'm still Roy's brother. I introduced myself as Roy's brother.
I think that, look... Because those circles overlap as well with this book. They do, and Roy has, look, Roy's one of the best, if not the best sports reporter in Australia, I think. You look at his contacts, they are brilliant, and they're at every level. I mean, he really knows the game, but he's also got an economics degree. He knows the politics and the economics of the game. And I think what we have in common is we both recognise that the best sources are middle-level sources.
A lot of senior journalists, they only talk to the elite. The elite will only ever tell them what they want them to know. They'll get big stories all the time, but they don't really realise they're being fed. Low-level sources can be quite helpful, but they don't know that much.
And that's... Roy's very well connected to them.
But just one more thing I want to get your thoughts on is that this type of extended reporting is quite expensive. You've got to, you know, you've got to pay these reporters to be working on a story for a couple of years, maybe. And journalism, as we know it now, in its traditional forms, is shrinking, basically because of the money issue that no-one really wants to pay for journalism anymore.
Where do you see it going from here? I think it'll take a generation. I don't think you...
There's clearly a need for journalism. There's clearly a need for Nick McKenzie and Kate McClymont. And I think the new generation of journalists are actually better than my generation.
And I think the main reason for that is they're in a fight for their professional lives, and they know it. Whereas when I came into the business, I could have a 25-year career at Four Corners. I'm not sure that that is possible anymore. So they're fighting to avoid getting a job as a press secretary. It's hard.
I mean, you know, they should invest more in investigative journalism because it's the story that launches 1,000 stories. It not only validates us and not only gives us credibility with the public, but it also, you know, sells a lot of newspapers and rates very well. But it is extremely expensive and costly, but mostly costly to the practitioners, I have to say.
Kate just got an award, I think, and she talks like I talk about, you know, the sort of stress and pressure of endless court cases and waking up to the sound of your own heartbeat, you know, blood pressure. And Nick is a fabulous reporter, and it's nearly exhausted him. He's only 40, you know. It'll wear him out really quickly. I had to kind of find a way to measure it.
Like, you become obsessive. You become your own worst enemy. You know, nobody wants to talk to you at a dinner party. You become Scotty from marketing.
And so I used to think, well, I can't just be investigative. I have to be reflective. I have to do some stories that aren't completely dependent on revelation. How do you, I mean, and it's changed so much probably since you first started where you could actually just be, people would look and take your work for what it was, I guess, pre-internet, pre-culture wars.
You could just say, look, I'm not a diehard greenie, but I am interested in the French secret service blowing up a Greenpeace boat. Of course, yeah. But if you ran that story nowadays, people would be getting hammered for your agenda. Yeah. How do you think that's going, do you reckon that also will have to balance out, a new etiquette will have to develop?
I think the old etiquette should hold that journalists aren't campaigners, that they understand what a fact is, and the art is to make what is important interesting. Stories are extremely complicated, and there's sometimes joy in the complexity, and that's where the craft is. This whole notion that we tell the stories through the prism of the left or the prism of the right is ridiculous, in my view, and when I see journalists who think the main game is whatever their beef happens to be, I think they could use a bit of objectivity, and I think some of those old notions of fairness and balance, which got massively disparaged through my career, are actually really important. It's fair enough, you can say, that it is impossible to understand an absolute truth, and none of us are completely objective, but there's no reason not to try, and it's the trying that is really, that's what makes you proud of journalism.
Well, we try and uphold those values here in the Queensland Channel Country. Chris, thank you for joining us. It's a great honour. Everything we've just spoken about here were all from different corners of the country, different corners of the planet, and are all stories that people in our trade talk about, and they talk about it at uni, they talk about it on the job, so yes, an icon, as I mentioned at the start. Thank you for joining us. Thank you. |
dropout | lazy_ghost_has_so_much_unfinished_business | What? Why is this happening? You must have unfinished business. Tell me about it.
I have so much stuff to do. I mean, look at it right there. I'm so busy right now, you guys. Work has been crazy lately.
Well this all looks pretty easy. Yeah, you should be able to knock this out in like a day and move on to whatever eternal paradise awaits for you. Yeah, yeah, it does look pretty nice. Yeah, and literally the first step to getting there is just pick up dry cleaning.
It's more of like an evening activity. It's like I can't just leave work and go do that. What else is on there?
Email grants about chewing noises. It's going to be pretty awkward email.
That'd be something I'd like to say for the end of the day. You did say you were going to write that sketch about what if the Sopranos were the Flintstones. Yeah, I do want to do that.
That one's going to take a little while though. So when's my next meeting? Do I have time to do that? You have the entire afterlife. You will never run out of time. I am counting lunches in a meeting though. It's important to make time for yourself. Trap, you can't put this off forever. You gotta start getting this stuff done. Ah, but I don't want to. Just do it now and you can literally relax for eternity.
You can see your grandfather again. Come my boy. I'm having a party with Prince Mark Twain and Amelia Earhart. Mark Twain made it to heaven?
Oh my god. What would they even talk about, right? I gotta see this. Whoa! There you go. See?
All you gotta do is get started. I know that feels good. That's the toughest part. It's just overcoming that mental vlog of just... He's posting on Facebook. What the hell? Okay. I am taking a short break to reward myself for getting started. The only thing written in this script is the word yabba gabba goo. And that is a good start. Literal heaven is waiting for you. Shit, I know.
Okay, how about this? How about give me a nice, easy task to get my momentum going, you know? They're all easy tasks.
Update OS on my work computer. I can't do that. I'll take my computer out of commission for a while.
Schedule a dentist appointment. I have to find a dentist that takes my insurance and I'll have to find their phone number. I'll check my own schedules. Really, that's like three tasks in one. I'm calling my dentist right now. It's ringing. All you have to do is schedule it. Voice mail.
No. What you gonna do? Anything on the list is what you can do. How about this? We call today arrest day. I'll sort of recharge and then I'll get that all done tomorrow. No!
Fine.
I'll get to work. In like ten minutes. It's ten fifty. Be crazy to start on a not round number.
Oh, yeah, right. That would be crazy. Everyone knows that. You know what?
Do whatever makes you happy. Enjoy your time as an undead shade, damned to have existence. Well, maybe I will. That's exactly what I'll do. I'm just gonna get these poison cakes out of here. Joy time as undead shade. So much to do.
Hey, it's Mike Trapp. You know, if you want to talk to the cast and crew here, you can at the exclusive Dropout Discord. It's a great place for behind the scenes content. And if you like behind the scenes, check this out. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | Making_Peanut_Butter_Sandwiches_With_a_Bowling_Ball_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and aren't even allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Steven Applesauce. And I'm like a hot wolf Blitzer. We're going to str- we're gonna go- ah fuck. We're gonna go straight to our cooking segment with Tom Knob. Thank you.
For today's segment, I'm going to show you how to make a peanut butter sandwich using a bowling ball. To get started, you're gonna want to take your bowling ball. I use a 8-pound ball.
And then you're gonna have your peanut butter and your bread. And to get started, you just sort of- well obviously you get the peanut butter out of the thing of peanut butter with- How do you do that? I'm a peanut butter guy, so I like a lot of peanut butter.
And then, you're gonna get it off of there. You're gonna get it off of there. You just moved it around? And then this is one sandwich. Oh, you fold it? And then you're just gonna get it off of there. And then fold it, of course. And then fold it.
And that's pretty much all I have over here. What makes you think this is useful information for our audience to know? I think when you are first on your own in your life and you're trying to figure out how to provide for yourself, you're gonna want to learn how to make a couple of basics. You're gonna have to get your own bowling ball. You're gonna have to get your own peanut butter and you're gonna have to eat it off of there. Now you leave my mother out of this! Now we understand there's a crazy story behind why you had to learn this. Something about a hostage situation. Tell us about that. Well, when I was 19, I was on my own for the first time.
And I was going into a Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy a couple of things for myself. And that's when the Bed, Bath & Beyond got taken over by terrorists. In Bed, Bath & Beyond, the only thing they wanted was a peanut butter sandwich and I had to learn how to make it on the spot and I did.
And you saved everyone? No. Fascinating.
Now over to Taylor Weiszakoff who's in the woods where the search and rescue team is looking for the 50-year-old woman who went missing last week. Taylor? Y'all know that bitch did. Yes, but we have to go on with this charade, so... You know, when was the last time a missing person was found alive in the woods? 1990 never? No matter how long ago it was, we still owe it to our viewers. We're in the woods. The woods! Maybe she's just lost.
It's been a week! Allegedly. Fuck off! Let's check back in with Tom who's finally finished making sandwiches. Oh thank god.
That's right, now we're going to learn how to peel an onion without a knife and both of our hands in big mittens. Say what? No, I'm showing you the basics. How to make a peanut butter sandwich. And now I am going to, I forgot, peel this onion without hands or tools using these mittens. These are not mittens, first off. What are these? So you're going to need two sort of plastic-y mittens and then one onion. And you're just going to get that started.
Now you don't use the bowling ball for this, right? No, no, the bowling ball's not a part of this. This is a separate skill.
And you're just going to get it out of there. Now I've been told that this is a technique you learned in the Navy. Could you tell us about your time there? Sure, after not saving any of the hostages at the Bed Bath and Beyond, I found myself- You didn't save any? No, I got out. But from there I was learning- So you made them a peanut butter sandwich? And that took off. And they killed everyone else? But I got out. And then that's when I decided I should learn how to defend myself. I'm going into the nave. And then you get it out of there.
Is this me?
And from there I got sent straight to the kitchen, obviously. Because I am not fast, I have no stamina, and I'm scared of any sort of fighting. And that's where they taught me how to open an onion just like this.
Open? Yeah. Take it easy, potty mouth. That about does it for me. Back to you two for your next story on police brutality. That's right.
Wolf and I will be demonstrating how to defend yourself even if you're ever in the middle of catching a beat down by the police. We'll be demonstrating this with Officer Watson. As the police approach, you'll hear a bunch of stereotypical police phrases like, we eat shit like you for breakfast.
What are five more phrases? I'm gonna fuck your parents. That's one. Yep, and now four more from me. I'm gonna wear you like a suit. Uh, I'll turn your bones into gravel. Three. Ryan Creamer, you're dead to me. That's four. And, oh boy, vampires.
And when they come at you like that, all you have to do are these four self-defense moves that I'll demonstrate with Officer Watson here. So, if an officer comes and puts your hand on you like so, you say, you do not have the right to touch me, officer.
That's one thing you can do. Number two, if they put both hands on you, which they will do, you say, and especially if they've done this after they put the one hand on you, you say, I already told you this the first time. Okay, that was a rule I explained before. So, if they put three, which they are apt to do, I'm gonna need some help here, can you grab the third? That is when you explain, listen, I have said this twice already.
You do not put any sort of, and then that happens. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And then you say, easy. Easy. Hey, hey, hey, hey. And that's actually all legal. Well, that's all the time we have.
Before we go, we'll announce that this week's loser is Kellen. Horseshit.
Thanks for watching. Good boy, yes, you can have that. Yes, good boy.
Does anybody want some onion or sandwiches? I will eat a sandwich. Thank you. I'll have onion. Off that bowling ball? Oh, here's the onion for you. Take a big bite. No, thank you. I'll have a little onion. |
dropout | video_game_health_care_bill | Can you put a value on a life? Yes. 100 gold coins. And that's too much.
That is why today, in video game land, we have passed historic legislation that provides healthcare coverage for all men and women, both good guys and bad guys. For too long, too many characters have languished with health bars in the red zone. Today, I am happy to report insurers will no longer be able to deny coverage to minibosses or wizards based on pre-existing weak points. Our hospitals will no longer be overrun by flashing patients who flash faster and faster as they wait for the power-ups they so dearly need.
Now I want to tell you about a hedgehog I met in the Emerald Hill Zone, who makes his living running at the speed of sound. One day he ran straight into a robotic crab who happened to be shooting fireballs. Not only was he seriously injured in this collision, but he also lost all of his gold rings and now has no way of paying for treatment. He was one hit away from death. Thanks to today's legislation, my little blue friend can go back to work.
It is a travesty that while a simple health pack can cure everything from zombie bites to plasma cannon burns, many have been forced to go without. Now many hardcore gamers say our plan is impossible without the use of a game genie or unlimited one-ups.
But that's simply not true. That's not true.
Everyone will just have to play smart, conserve med kits by only using them when you are really low on health. You find a turkey leg in a garbage can on the street. Save it for the member of your team who needs it most. If you have an energy shield and you're injured, don't run back into battle. Wait behind cover and allow your shield time to recharge. Now, starting this level, you will receive an antidote if you are poisoned, regardless of how much gill you are carrying. Starting this level, if you are on the battlefield and you call for a medic, someone will come and heal you. Starting this level, there will be plenty of herbs, phoenix down, and power pills for those who are injured, dead, or being chased by ghosts.
For years our video game health care system wasn't working, and no amount of blowing on it would get it to start. This has been one of the hardest trials our nation has faced since the 16-bit console wars of our forefathers. As we tackle new levels, there will still be new challenges. But now, there will never be any game overs. |
wearethesundayblues | the_car_guard_song_eminem_feat_rihanna_parody_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | You think I just stand here and watch your eyes But that's not all, there's so much more than meets the eye So now you return with that big sigh Handing me to when I at least deserve a fight At least deserve a fight I can't tell you what I go through I can only promise I'll protect you In this job, your responsibility is so huge I can't leave, gotta keep your vehicle with insight No matter what happens, I'll protect it with my own life Look at this fist, this is your seal of quality Your car, it is safe when it's with me, this I guarantee Sewing you inside, busy shopping for your groceries Just know that I'm hard at work to help you keep your mind at ease When you're working on the street, the times are tough When things get rough, you rise above It is my duty to keep any form of danger At arms length, come rain or shine I won't protect, look at my own strength When I put on this fist, I'm like a superhero fighting crime This is my job, I do not do this part time Even though sometimes you gotta be prepared to put your body on the line You think I just stand here and watch your eyes But that's not all, there's so much more than meets the eye So now you return with that big sigh And meet me too when I at least deserve five At least deserve five At least deserve five Do you ever love something so much or work so hard To make it happen, protecting cars is in my blood It is my passion, after school I knew exactly what I should be So I followed my dream, I went to UCG I studied so hard, the nights were long Quitting was the easy way out but I stayed strong Graduation day came, I was on top of the world The streets were my oyster and the car was my pearl But it isn't all fun and it isn't all games You get your hands dirty earning people's spare change Sometimes you get silver and sometimes you get bronze Other times you get to the people's car but the people are gone So many close calls that go unseen So many different kinds of people always treating you mean I keep your car safe, man is there such a crime But still you say you've got no cash, you'll pay me next time I stand here and watch you drive Left here empty handed, I won't let you see me cry Tired of rejection, my hope runs dry Lost all motivation, don't know why I even try Why do I even try Why do I even try Yo brother what's the problem, why have you taken off your vest Are you quitting, I heard you were one of the best It's hopeless every day, these people treat me the same They do not show any appreciation for my trade Should I call the PD police at the nearest phone booth Or are you gonna listen as I speak to some truth Look at me dawg, I'm the call guard king Do you think I earned this title sitting down and crying You gotta recognise, no pain no gain I got fire ants hanging from my neck and my chain I got to where I am with hard work and lots of pride And it doesn't hurt to sell a little coke on the side Wait, what did you say Hard work and pride No, you said something about Never mind that now I think my work here is done So pick up your vest, your journey has begun You can finish the rest How could I have been so blind Those epic words of wisdom hit me right between the eyes This is my best search to all mankind When you're not around your car It's safe within my sight It's safe within my sight It's safe within my sight It's safe within my sight |
TheOnion | Overcome_Stress_By_Visualizing_It_As_A_Greedy_Hook_Nosed_Race_Of_Creatures | Later on in the hour, tips for stretching out your vagina without having a baby. But first, in today's tough economic times, money stresses can really be overwhelming. Yeah, but help is on the way. Author Christine Eckert is here to show us some exercises to reduce stress.
Hi, Christine. Good morning. Hi, Jim and Tracy. Christine, I'm so glad you're here. I'm about ready to snap. She is.
The first thing we're going to learn about is problem visualization. It's a simple method for reducing stress by assigning an image to represent your anxiety.
Well, that sounds simple enough. Okay.
What I like to do is imagine my money-related stress as the most disgusting, terrifying creature I can think of. I like to imagine an ugly, greasy little creature with a hooked nose and oily black hair.
Oh, he is scary. I call him the grabbler because he's a greedy little monster who wants to grabble up all my money. Now close your eyes and picture the grabbler. Okay, there he is. Now think of all the problems your grabbler is causing.
He invented interest rates like the ones on your credit card.
He's taking the jobs because grabblers only hire their own kind. I just want to get rid of him. Now imagine the grabbler slowly disintegrating like a pile of ashes blown away by a purifying wind.
And now you're in a peaceful meadow full of lilies swaying in a gentle breeze. They're not scheming or trying to rob me. Oh, that really works. Oh, what a relief. I feel so relaxed. Now this image visualization works for other kinds of stresses besides money, right?
Exactly. Take an argument with someone at work. Take that social stress and visualize it being due to a blabber. Blabber. Well, look at that. Those represent all that negative energy we experience when dealing with difficult personalities. You know, the kinds of people who love to argue and complain in nasal voices. Oh, I know people like that. Stresses are everywhere. Right. They are. They're always lurking like rats.
You know, that's why sometimes meditative exercises aren't enough. So take your mind off your stress by doing something good for yourself. Exercise. Oh, I know. I feel better after my yoga class. I will often go for a long walk in the middle of the night and throw flaming bottles at certain houses or even sneak in through the back doors and light their curtains on fire while they're asleep. Working up a sweat to rid yourself of that stress.
All right, well, Christine, thanks so much for being our guest this morning and sharing your advice. Everyone should check out Christine's new book, The Solution, Kill All the Grabblers, and it's available in bookstores now. And when we come back, why you don't have to wait until after you're 40 to have sex after 40. |
TheOnion | behind_the_pen_reading_writing_and_robbery | I am Stan Kelly and we're gonna jump right to tips for young artists here because look at that villain take a look at how I draw that villain you want to draw a real bad guy a real bad guy like this this lowlife here how do you do that simple no sleeves see he's got no sleeves and that's how you do it it's that simple give you another tip here on title construction there's a fine art to choosing the perfect title for a cartoon now sometimes you take a little common phrase like the three R's see and you give a little twist humor comes in threes see so you take these three things reading writing and arithmetic but then you switch the last one what's the last one there robbery see it's a switch on what you expect that's an advanced technique in wordplay and I call it the old switcheroo it's never failed me the old switcheroo I hope some of you people are taking notes on this stuff because I'm dishing out some real gold here okay checks of the trade not a lot of people know about anymore the way people draw cartoons these days you know all those other cartoons you see in the newspaper they're all drawn by computers okay computers doing all the work nowadays this is real art what I'm doing here okay so this big bad school bully is shaking down this innocent citizen trying to take his hard-earned money but you see a playground tough guy no it's a school teachers see they're the ones who drain all the tax money and take out of our paychecks it's going straight into their bank accounts because they got that direct deposit I don't know why they don't save a few steps and just have the money go directly from my bank account to their bank account why all this fooling around because the government is in collusion with these lowlife teachers who only want my money who spend all day babysitting these kids and asking for money they're making shanks and threatening the decent folks that's what they're doing that's all they do at that time even Lady Liberty there cannot help but look upon this scene and be moved to tears by the injustice of it all see then my last word here I say no class that's another word play just not a switcheroo this is something else this is where you use a word like class that has two meanings class like the classroom and class like doing something classy okay that's what makes the humor you can't help but laugh at that it works every time this video is too short to get into the subtle tricks of the trade to allow a skilled master cartoonist like myself with 55 years experience craft these kinds of jokes okay that would take all semester like a class in an art school but they would never teach cartooning in an art school because very few people respect it as an art okay except me and maybe a few of you the smart ones okay because this is an art what we do here this is a fine art |
cracked | here_s_why_everyone_is_mad_at_drew_barrymore | She was Charlie's angel, but now she's no one's angel. Not Charlie, nor anyone else in Hollywood seems to want to cozy up to the legendary actress after she wanted to go back to work during a strike and then decided to change it all up. We don't know why she did this, but she said that the decision was bigger than me and then she also said that I take full responsibility for the decision. So maybe you really do need the writers here to at least smooth out the discrepancies. Maybe not working is a difficult thing, especially for somebody who's had such a long career like Drew Barrymore. Cracked actually broke the news that Barrymore was more into union busting than she was union hustling as she was planning on kicking off her fourth season of the Drew Barrymore show on September 18th or yesterday. But we won't see Drew on her soundstage anytime soon since she's postponed for the time being a coming back to work without writers. She actually just recently posted that she listened to everyone. So everyone, everyone that said stuff. Good job. She listened. |
SaturdayNightLive | beautiful_girls_snl | These cigarettes, the show's about to begin. I heard this new review is quite the sensation. Oh, yes. they've flown in the most beautiful girls from all around the world. if you look closer, you might see a naked collarbone. ooh, la la, and a half. Down, Broward, your heart. Pfft. The Tic Tac Club is proud to present Billy Harper and his beautiful girls. Madam, Monsieur, I assure you, you're in for a wonderful treat. once you happen to meet all these beautiful girls, their lips, their teeth, what's underneath? Hooray for beautiful girls. we're poo. we're cinched. did every inch because they're beautiful girls. I don't know about you, but I'm as hard as a car door. Broward!
But they're not the only creature that we're here to feature. if you seek grace and poise, then you have to meet our boys. Oh, have you seen such beautiful boys? Luscious, lovely, solid, gorgeous boys. we love to watch them poise. in their tan boy clothes, they preen, they glance, they dance, they're beautiful boys. what the hell is this? Well, it looks like they're finally giving the ladies something to look at. I just wish their costumes and bodies were a little nicer. Looks like they didn't even try. it takes a lot to make a girl beautiful, but boys just have it. when a boy looks this good, you'll want a drool. and you should. are they sculpted marble?
No. But my shorts are pure cargo. the boys get to wear shorts? I'm in three corsets and a truss. I love martinis. and I was told if I sweat, legal action would be taken against me.
Oh, oh, flirt and fly, you beautiful boys. each one cuter than the last. If you could have your pick, choose the one with the biggest heart. they sit, they kneel, they're real, they're beautiful boys. we are getting out of here.
This is terrible.
Broward, come on, it's my birthday. again? Broward. the sporty boy loves baseball. his team is in first place. and once the game is over, I'll take you to second base. the beach boy lives for summer. he just went for a swim. and now he's off to meet your folks still wearing what he's in. what? it'll dry.
This boy's not much to look at. Why date him? he's so plain. you'll change your mind when you find out his daddy owns a burger chain. that's right, I'm Fred Mcdonald's. This boy is pure of thought indeed, as all true virgins are. What, I'm not a virgin? is exactly what a virgin would say. shut up. aside from the fact that he's a chef, this boy's a mystery.
I'm into fate. Ok. Ok, Broward, you were right. let's go. No, hang on, hang on. I'm into it now.
I like the little stories. don't you crave these beautiful boys? How could you choose only one? And while you're taking stock, pick the one with the fattest wallet. those funny, sunny, ugly, beautiful boys.
Broward?
Hats off to these beautiful boys. Part. The Tic Tac Club is proud to present Billy Harper and his beautiful girls. Madam, I miss you. I assure you, you're in for a wonderful treat. once you happen to meet all these beautiful girls, their lips, their teeth, what's underneath? Hooray for beautiful girls. we're poo. we're cinched. did every inch because they're beautiful girls?
I don't know about you, but I'm as hard as a car door. Broward! But they're not the only creature that we're here to feature.
If you seek grace and poise, then you have to meet our boys. Oh, have you seen such beautiful boys? Luscious, lovely, solid, gorgeous boys. we love to watch them poise in their tan boy clothes. they preen, they glance, they dance, they're beautiful boys.
What the hell is this?
Well, it looks like they're finally giving the ladies something to look at. I just wish their costumes and bodies were a little nicer. Looks like they didn't even try. it takes a lot to make a girl beautiful, but boys just have it. when a boy looks this good, you'll want to drool. and you should. are they sculpted marble?
No. But my shorts are pure cargo. the boys get to wear shorts? I'm in three corsets and a truss. I'll leave martinis. And I was told if I sweat, legal action would be taken against me.
Oh, oh, flirt and fly, you beautiful boys. each one cuter than the last. If you could have your pick, choose the one with the biggest heart. they sit, they kneel, they're real, they're beautiful boys. we are getting out of here. this is terrible.
Brower, come on. it's my birthday. again? Brower.
The sporty boy loves baseball. his team is in first place. and once the game is over, I'll take you to second base. beach boy lives for summer. he just went for a swim. and now he's off to meet your folks, still wearing what he's in. what? it'll dry. This boy's not much to look at. Why date him? he's so plain. you'll change your mind when you find out his daddy owns a burger chain. that's right, I'm Fred Mcdonald's. this boy is pure of thought indeed, as all true virgins are. What, I'm not a virgin? is exactly what a virgin would say. Shut up. aside from the fact that he's a chef, this boy's a mystery.
I'm into fate. Ok. no, hang on, hang on. I'm into it now. I like the little stories.
Come now, don't you crave these beautiful boys. How could you choose only one? And while you're taking stock, pick the one with the fattest wallet. those funny, sunny, ugly, beautiful, That's over.
Ready, Broward? Broward?
Hats off to these beautiful boys. |
dropout | if_websites_were_tv_shows | Okay, everybody, what do we got? Okay, okay, so Jeff Schneider just added David Joseph as a friend. Wow, about time. And David just wrote on Jeff's wall, thanks for adding me? Desperate much?
You know, we've got this mattress here and I'm going to tell you, it looks brand new, but it's used and Cheryl, it's your mattress. You know, I didn't want to give it up, but we're upgrading to a king size. Let me tell you, this is such an amazing find for anyone with $15 a van in an hour to come pick it up.
And I just want to remind everyone that it's not okay to contact us with services or other commercial interests. This is the College Humor Show. Okay, everybody, let's take some questions. Recently, I've been very stressed at work and when things get tense, I can feel my heartbeat. What's going on?
Hmm, I'm not coming up with anything. Who's next? I just had my second child and I'm having a little trouble getting back down to my normal weight. Hmm, I'm not coming up with anything. Who's next?
Now you can see that this cat here, he's holding up some kind of an invisible object, right? So what could it be? Could it be a fish that he's caught?
I'm going to go into my text edit and pull up my impact font. That's very important. And I'm going to type, I kitchen fishes this big. Here we are. And that's how you make art.
Tonight's top story, awesome halo reach ponage must be seen to be believed. Wait, I'm getting word from my producer that 360 is for loser fanboys and we are officially burying it. It's turning into a straight dig graveyard over here. Tonight's new top story, the world's cutest cat apparently knows the alphabet. |
CrackerMilk | wet_socks | What?! Connor, your feet! I've got wet socks! I've got wet socks Shay!
Help me! Help me Shay! I can't read! Help me Shay! I can't read! No! Shay!
Okay um um yeah um I could just walk out! I could just walk out of the water! Okay you can't!
You're gonna get pretty feet! I don't want pretty feet! I can't handle pretty feet! I love my feet!
Okay you you could you could get the car! You could get the car! You could save me! You could get the car down! No you can't get the car! Why can't you get the car? You're gonna get mud all on the carpet! Do you know how hard that is to get out? I'm sorry I really like your carpet and your car too!
Um okay uh okay look I'll meet you at home okay? I'll meet you at home yeah?
No! Why? You can never come back! What? Why Shay? You're gonna make the house smell like wet feet! No! Shay no please! Goodbye! Wait!
I've wet socks too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH |
TheOnion | Show_Off_Your_Unique_Mommy_Style_With_A_Handmade_Wicker_Car_Seat | Hey trendy moms on the go, let's talk car seats. Now a lot of moms go with the standard molded reinforced plastic models and that works for them. But not for me. For us style conscious moms who still want safety, wicker car seats are a great option. This is the Windsong Baby Seat from Henderson. All lo-fi shabby chic car seats like this can make a fantastic design statement, but only this one is safe enough to get my stamp of approval.
As you can see, the artisanal wicker construction is pretty strong. That's because it's handmade in the Durango region of Mexico. It's made of dry Sicilian beads and constructed in the Nantucket dandy weaving pattern, one of the strongest basket styles out there.
Plus I think the fact that it doesn't attach to American seat belts just makes it safer. Not being able to strap it in forces mom and dad to be more present when they drive.
I line ours with a blanket woven of my own hair. It smells tremendous, very calming for the little one. But because I'm one of those crazy moms who has to know her baby's extra secure, I made these decoupage straps out of glue and French newspapers to hold Aubrey in place.
It was easy and they look great. But wicker isn't your only option for a safe and beautiful car seat. How about this gorgeous stained glass one from Home Space?
Or if you're old school like me, you might want one of these Victorian child conveyance devices. Here's Lincoln strapped into one. One of these kept my grandmother safe when she was a baby and that was in a carriage so I think it's safe enough for modern times.
Now it's off to pick up Jackson from soccer practice. Just never stops, does it? See you next time. |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_s_christmas_wish_reprise_snl | Hello, I'm Steve Norton. When I first performed this next sketch, a Christmas Wish, I never expected it to enter so many hearts and impact so many lives. How could I have known that one day it would be considered by all to be the greatest Snl sketch of all time? You know. we're only using one camera? When I performed it, I knew it was good. but I never imagined that one day it would be taught to school children as a substitute for the pledge of Allegiance, or that immigrants would be tested on it to determine whether they could become American citizens. I never imagined that so many parents would name their babies Steve Martin's Christmas Wish or that Nasa would engrave the sketch onto a golden orb and launch it into space. I never thought it would win a Bruce Award. that's for a one-person short-form Christmas-related comedy in a film or video format. I didn't expect to win a Cy Young award. that's for baseball. nor did I anticipate the trophy for America's best dance crew. that usually goes to teams. In short, I was humbled by the praise. humbled by the miracle of Christmas. should it really be snowing inside?
Gilly! what? Rat poison. uh-huh. enjoy the clip.
If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in a spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in a spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for thirty million dollars a month to be given to me. tax-free in a Swiss bank account. You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing. the second would be for the thirty million dollars every month to me. And the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being and the entire universe. And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids. Done. the second would be for the thirty million, the third would be for all the power. And the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended thirty-one day orgasm. to be brought about slowly by Roseanne Arquette and that model Paulina Somebody, I can't think of her name. of course my lovely wife can come too. she's behind me. a hundred percent on this, I guarantee you. wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish. So if I made that the first wish, you know, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got? No, no, the kids. the kids singing would be great. that would be nice.
But wait a minute, Who am I kidding? I mean, they're not going to be able to get all those kids together. And the logistics of the thing, it's impossibly more trouble than it's worth. So, we reorganize. here we go. First, the sex thing. we go with that. Second, the money. No. we go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids.
Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies. Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies. they should die like pigs in hell. that would be the fourth wish. And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in a spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and very much. |
cracked | so_you_want_to_be_wolverine | Hi, I'm Alex Schmidt.
So you want to be Wolverine? Welcome to so you want to be the how-to show about awesome fictional careers I'm your YouTube based career counselor here to walk you through what to do from birth to now in order to be Wolverine interesting pic bub Wolverine's one of the most popular X-Men and the most popular pointy Hugh Jackman So let's start with the awesome stuff You will need thing number one claws and in order to get retractable metal claws built into your arms first year our legal department has just informed me that I cannot give you medical advice or encourage you to pursue aggressive body modification because of Law reasons, but here's a more fun reason if you're asking the question How did Wolverine get claws the answer is even the comics don't know in the weapon X comics arc Scientists kidnap Wolverine and add adamantium to his skeleton by the way thing number two You'll need is a metal skeleton and I'm about to tell them not to get one Anyway in weapon X the scientists blow it they overload Wolverine's ordinary hands and wrists with too much adamantium Then shape that bonus metal into a set of retractable claws But that's weird because in the fatal attractions comics arc Magneto rips the metal out of Wolverine's bones And we learn Wolverine was born with skeletal claw bones, which surprises Wolverine But but that's weird because in the origin comics and in the X-Men origins movie Wolverine uses his skeletal claw bones and as a kid So Wolverine should know he has claws his whole life and if the scientists x-rayed him they should see the claws Can you squirt metal into a bone or like around a bone are his joints metal to like how would metal joints? Then you need hinges enough memes Wolverines metal claws and skeleton are nonsense and a chemical impossibility and every story depicts them as hell to get and Remember, this is Wolverine's most famous movie character moment when they come out Does it hurt? Every time don't sign up for that his claws aren't a superpower. They're a chronic health problem still Here's some good news Marvel created Wolverine in the 1970s specifically 1974 in a cameo in Incredible Hulk issue 180 and full appearance in ish 181 point is our technology is way better now So don't shellac your skeleton with hot magic metal Wear a robotic exoskeleton or whatever and some futurists are saying that prosthetic limbs will soon be for everybody Heck so are some movie villains So if you want to be Wolverine strap on some kind of claw prosthetic thingy, you know protect your knuckles It'll be a bear to constantly heal them with thing number three a healing factor Wolverine's most famous power that isn't sharp and pointy his body regenerates any amounts of damage immediately Even if it's from a nuclear blast in the movies he shakes off a partial nuking and in the comics he gets nuked down to his skeleton and Rolls with it. There are also comics where Wolverine survives getting ripped in half and other comics where he gets decapitated and continues to have Conversations with people like he's auditioning to be Nixon's head in Futurama So if you want to be Wolverine, you'll need to be physically everything proof.
Nobody can do that in real life So what would a theoretical body that does have a healing factor need? Well two things first off it needs Salamander powers because you and I live on earth Okay, earth creatures are only biological reference point and many earth creatures regenerate body parts geckos regenerate lost tails Octopuses regenerate lost tentacles if you cut a planarian in half both halves will regenerate into two separate organisms Forget that last one. I'm guessing you don't want to lose a finger and watch it become your body double Let's focus on the axolotl axolotls are a Mexican salamander species with dope ear frill thingies And they can regrow their skin their limbs even their spinal cords because the genes and proteins and their bodies are the world's best System for body regeneration.
So if you want to be Wolverine get a human body that bounces back on an axolotl's level and then Shout down consume all of the calories because we live on earth So we also live in the universe which has laws laws more powerful than any legal department. Oh be mad about it I'm talking about the law of conservation of matter the law of conservation of energy and other conservation laws that all boil down to this all Stuff has to come from other stuff including your fresh new body parts regular people regenerate a few body parts already like skin And the liver by turning food into calories into new cells Wolverine does that same process and so does the teen girl Wolverine in Logan They just do it bigger faster and everything a year than we do So if you want to be Wolverine and rebuild your whole self You're gonna need to get the raw material for that by eating More than anyone ever has eaten ever across a lifetime of X mening speaking of which you'll need thing number four or or thing Number six either way get a PTSD proof brain because if you want to be Wolverine You're gonna have to have a healing factor that extends your lifespan So you will live to see everyone you love die according to Logan. You will drink about that in graveyards They're gone now and according to the one good part of X-Men origins Wolverine our hero spent some time in the military Specifically all of the time in all of the military Wolverine fights in the American Civil War World War one the D-Day landing Vietnam Then he does a lengthy tour of duty and X-Men mercenary black ops gets involved in a Yakuza gang war or two and flees Murder robots in a nightmare dystopia in his movies alone Wolverine experiences two to three centuries of combat combat that will stress Wolverine even more than the average soldier for one thing He'll never get injured enough to be removed from a fight for another thing studies show that soldiers handle combat stress better when they're in a cohesive Unit when they feel like they're part of something but Wolverine is a loner a loner who's dr Manhattan in his way through war after war without being able to tell his comrades in arms that he served with their great-granddads So if you want to be Wolverine, you'll need a brain that can handle eternal warfare for causes You might not care about despite getting this much sympathy from the people around you Logan Don't you have a class to teach? Yeah Logan quit your dilly-dallying around looking for somebody to talk to about how you came on stuck in time and how you've stabbed Thousands of people to death while looking them in the eye. Oh, oh right class You're gonna need thing number five slash seven college go to college because all the x-men lead a double life to the public We're merely a school for gifted youngsters Specifically a private school in Westchester County, New York a county whose average income puts it in the top two percent of US counties So if you want to be Wolverine You've got to convince the world's parents that a rich smart kid prep school hired you to teach children and those parents can Google you You'll need an actual bachelor's degree Minimum to fool them also Probably keep going back and getting new degrees every couple decades because it's weird if you graduated under McKinley and also get that other stuff That superhuman hellish other stuff.
Although how hard can it be if song and dance McKangaroo can do it What a maroon No, no, we're not anything like that we're not we're not doing it Okay, we got we need something else musicals are an art form, right? They take they take dedication. They take talent We're gonna not rip on art for being it's powerful Okay, you like you you have to get through Times Square if nothing else you want to be on Broadway, right? Come on Abe.
You get it. You get it rich cocks. You guys get it, right?
Like I'll just alone getting through that crowd and like it used to be a porn place But now it's a mall which is kind of worse I feel but you know, like it's really the M&M source fine, but Times Square. We're done by the way. Thank you very much No, it's me Logan.
I'm so burned out on life. Oh, I can't even make videos anymore I just want to be at this bar and healing from my whiskey.
I'm just kidding. It's me Alex Thank you for watching. Please do the YouTube things and pitch more characters. It's very fun first Which has laws laws more powerful than any legal department.
Oh be mad about it I'm talking about the law of conservation of matter the law of conservation of energy and other conservation laws that all boil down to this all Stuff has to come from other stuff including your fresh new body parts regular people regenerate a few body parts already like skin And the liver by turning food into calories into new cells Wolverine does that same process and so does the teen girl Wolverine in Logan They just do it bigger faster and everything ear than we do So if you want to be Wolverine and rebuild your whole self You're gonna need to get the raw material for that by eating More than anyone ever has eaten ever across a lifetime of x-mening speaking of which you'll need thing number four or or thing Number six either way get a PTSD proof brain because if you want to be Wolverine You're gonna have to have a healing factor that extends your lifespan So you will live to see everyone you love die according to Logan you will drink about that in graveyards They're gone now and according to the one good part of x-men origins Wolverine our hero spent some time in the military Specifically all of the time in all of the military Wolverine fights in the American Civil War World War one the D-Day landing Vietnam Then he does a lengthy tour of duty and x-men mercenary black ops gets involved in a Yakuza gang war or two and flees Murder robots in a nightmare dystopia in his movies alone Wolverine experiences two to three centuries of combat combat that will stress Wolverine even more than the average soldier for one thing He'll never get injured enough to be removed from a fight for another thing studies show that soldiers handle combat stress better when they're in a cohesive Unit when they feel like they're part of something but Wolverine is a loner a loner who's dr Manhattan in his way through war after war without being able to tell his comrades in arms that he served with their great granddads So if you want to be Wolverine you'll need a brain that can handle eternal warfare for causes You might not care about despite getting this much sympathy from the people around you Logan Don't you have a class to teach? Yeah, Logan quit your dilly-dallying around looking for somebody to talk to about how you came on stuck in time and how you've stabbed Thousands of people to death while looking them in the eye. Oh Oh, right class you're gonna need thing number five slash seven college Go to college because all the x-men lead a double life to the public We're merely a school for gifted youngsters Specifically a private school in Westchester County, New York a county whose average income puts it in the top two percent of US counties So if you want to be Wolverine you've got to convince the world's parents that a rich smart kid prep school hired you To teach children and those parents can google you you'll need an actual bachelor's degree minimum to fool them also Probably keep going back and getting new degrees every couple decades because it's weird if you graduated under McKinley and also get that other stuff That superhuman hellish other stuff, although how hard can it be if song and dance McKangaroo can do it?
What a maroon No, no, we're not anything like that we're not we're not doing it, okay We got we need something else musicals are an art form, right? They take they take dedication. They take talent We're gonna not rip on art for being it's powerful Okay, you like you you have to get through Times Square if nothing else you want to be on Broadway, right? Come on Abe.
You get it. You get it rich cocks. You guys get it, right?
Like I'll just alone getting through that crowd and like it used to be a porn place But now it's a mall which is kind of worse I feel but you know, like it's really the M&M stores fine, but Times Square. We're done by the way. Thank you very much No, it's me Logan.
I'm so burned out on life. Oh, I can't even make videos anymore I just want to be at this bar and healing from my whiskey.
I'm just kidding. It's me Alex Thank you for watching. Please do the YouTube things and pitch more characters. It's very fun |
TheOnion | The_2020_Election_Could_Only_Go_These_500_Ways | Though the 2020 election is still a few years away, a new field of potential candidates is already emerging. And it's clear that the 2020 election could only go one of these 500 ways. After their devastating 2016 loss, the Democrats will attempt to answer Trump with a candidate who can rally the left and win back blue-collar voters like Elizabeth Warren or one of these other people. Of course, this is all assuming Trump even makes it to re-election. Depending on the outcome of the Russia investigation, souring GOP attitudes, or some other current unknown, the GOP could decide to run a candidate like Mike Pence or any of his 20 neighbors. Then again, this all relies on the two-party system, which might not be relevant in the 2020 election. It's entirely possible that one or both of the two major parties could split off into much smaller factions. On the left, the Democratic Party could scatter into thousands of four- to five-person roving pods who grow by absorbing others through battles of the wits. One possible outcome for Republicans is that fiscal conservatives pair up with diabetic libertarians and recently-divorced soccer moms to create an entirely new party under one of dozens of possible monikers, like the Bald Eagle Coalition. Despite all these potential outcomes, the thing we know for sure is that one of them will definitely happen. For The Onion, I'm Eliza Hayes. |
SaturdayNightLive | janet_reno_s_fantasies_snl | Work, work, work. If I'd known being Attorney General was this hard, I would have stayed in Florida.
But just think Simba only 41 more White House videotapes and then we can watch Harriet the Spy. There He is. Simba, Bill Clinton. He's having coffee with a bunch of Chinese people.
Hey, how y'all doing? I'm President Bill Clinton. How do y'all like the coffee? Was it honorable enough for you? It's good to see you, Good to see you. But actually y'all prefer tea to coffee. Don't you anyone here speak English?
Boy, he's landed on thicker than a horse eyeshadow. You see you want a good relations, you want a safe face with most favored nation status, Then y'all got a ride a checkie. Okay, make President Clinton happy as dancing dragon.
Yuck. This whole thing makes me feel sick.
And to think this whole time Clinton's been down in South America, romancing the bone as they say, Well, guess what, Simba, this beds a raft. It's gonna take me all the way down to South America right now. Well, we're really out to sea right now. Simba. Look over there, there's Gilligan's Island. Okay, now we're in South America.
Okay President Clinton. Did you use the White House for illegal campaign fundraising? Or did you not? Yes, Janet, I did. I'm sorry.
Will you kiss me now? Okay, okay, now we have to get married. You know, And the President United States are here to be married today. Is there anyone that objects? Yes, we do. We're the Republicans.
Hello, Hi Janet is Representative John Conyers Jr. from Michigan. Oh Hi Connie. Say Janet. I wanted to apologize to you. Bought my opening statements at your Judiciary hearing. I hope I wasn't too hard on you.
Nothing's too hard on me because I have nails for dinner. And for dessert. I eat a bomb.
Yes, Well Janet, you better be careful because Bob Barr said you deliberately misapplied the Independent Counsel statute and Newt Gingrich said you look like a fool. Well, I think Newt Gingrich looks like a Perv.
So what are you gonna wear to Congress tomorrow? A suit. What are you going to wear to the Justice Department? My one blue dress.
Let me call you back. Connie, I think someone's outside. who's there? If you're a prowler. I know 18 ways to kill a man. 19 if you count breaking his heart, it's just me. Oh Bill Clinton, Say you're supposed to be in South America. I come back early. I brought you some duty-free wine. See, I thought we could open it up and talk about that little indictment of yours.
Oh please Janet, Don't indict me. Please please. I can't take President with my good looks. You know I'd be a goner in there. Get up. Oh Janet, I'm sorry. But Janet, I've always loved you.
You have. Yes, now. Kiss me. See it, Bill. See it. You. |
dropout | the_tetris_god | Tetrisys, master of blocks, weaver of fate. The time has come for another round. Yes, how shall we begin, my lord?
El Bloc. Yes, El Bloc, the perfect first piece.
We stand in awe of your eternal wisdom. Square. As you wish, my lord. Shall he nestle it into the bosom of the El Bloc? Or will he leave it room to grow? Reverse, El Bloc. As you wish, my lord. Difficult, my lord, but I believe this mortal can handle it. T Bloc. Rather coming, my lord.
If this mortal is wise, he won't... He undershot it. Squiggly, my lord! How dare you question his methods!
T Bloc. The playing field is random and jagged. Square. There is no place for a square, my lord.
And it's only the first level.
Squiggly. You wish to toy with him? To torture him for what? Reverse, Squiggly.
No. He is punishing this mortal for his hubris. Reverse, Squiggly. Give him something, lord.
Reverse, El Bloc. Give him anything! El Bloc. Yes, of course.
He could use that to plug the gap, but then... Then the column would be unusable. |
cracked | swaim_is_dead_agents_of_cracked_episode_14 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Crackederium collection of Agents of Cracked season 1 presented for the first time in such high definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season. Even the ones he's not in. So look forward to that. And hey, stay tuned at the end for some little anecdotes, some little behind the scenes stories. We get to know each other a little bit. Spider internet notable Michael Swain reported that he was most often drunk in diatribes against actress Angela White. That is prepping the list. The 10 dead things about Mike Swain. All of them, everything. He'll listen to the hound dog.
Damn it, Mike. Why'd you do it? Oh, what the fuck? Oh, Janice. Mike? Oh. Hey. Guy? It's Dan from Cracked. Uh...
Stay right there. I'll be down in a second.
Oh my god, it is you. This is incredible. We all thought you were dead. We've been searching for you for days. We met at Janice's thing, right? No, it's Dan. I'm your partner.
We followed a bomb threat together. We took heroin together.
You borrowed tape from me that time. Oh my god, tape guy.
But how the hell did you find me? I'm off the grid. What?
You're at the pier. It's like a block from the office. It's our office there. Goddamn you, grid!
Mike, I just have so many questions. Why did you leave? Where have you slept? How did you grow that awesome beard?
All in good time, my friend. For now, please, I haven't had anything to eat in days except those chili dogs from that booth on the pier. Oh my god, so good.
Have you had one of those? I haven't had a chance to. Well, what are we waiting for?
You're buying, though. I gotta stay off the grid. Sure. All expensive. How about that? Sure. Holy shit, my wallet's gone. Oh, right. I took it while we were hogging. Sorry.
I guess that's what a life on the streets will do to a man. You mean the beach? In a couple of days? I would also like a cotton candy.
Okay, you've had your food. Now, what happened? Oh, um, alright, so...
Malcolm gets a job designing weapons for the military. Reese becomes a janitor. Not on Malcolm in the Middle.
To you. What happened to you? Oh, I found out you were leaking jokes to Broke.com and I decided to take the fall. What?
I wasn't leaking jokes to Broke. Dan, it's okay. I found the faxes. All the leaked jokes to Broke were signed to T-Bone. But I'm not T-Bone.
Sure you are. I nicknamed you that. Episode 2. No, you wanted to, but...
Remember, we were at the copier and the real T-Bone showed up and he's like, Oh, I'm Thelonious Bone. And then I said, that's even cooler than T-Bone. That's even cooler than T-Bone. Yeah. Well, then the only question is who or what is T-Bone. T-Bone. T-Bone is T-Bone.
Oh, right. Michael, we gotta get back to the office. We need to tell the Chief about this. Fine by me.
This thing itches like a motherfucker. Why were you even wearing a fake beard? Oh, it wasn't fake. So, it kind of turns your desk into a bird sanctuary?
Gasp. Damn.
T-Bone, he's T-Bone. I'm damn T-Bone. You know it somewhere, fellas. T-Bone, you're not gonna get away with this.
As soon as the Chief finds out that you... Gasp! The Chief. I heard that guy.
Michael, shut up. Why couldn't you just stay dead?
Hey, that's my girl. That's right. This is your gun.
And tomorrow the papers will tell the sad story of a man driven insane by guilt, who returned to the cracked offices to kill his partner before offing himself with his own cracked, issued gun. Wait a minute. Am I the man or the partner? The man.
That is sad. Thelonious, listen to me, okay? You don't have to do this. You left me no choice.
T-Bone. Beware, Klingon elders. T-Bone is among you.
Fendi, you saved me. But where did you get a gun? It's my craft issue. Okay, so does everybody get a gun except me?
Am I the only one... Holy s***. I can't believe I never noticed that before.
But, um... Ben, does everything work out okay, Ben? No. The way I see it, there's still one important question left. That's T-Bone right there. Then my second question is... You want to know how I figured out T-Bone's plan? No. I don't care about that. My second question is... What is this and... Sub-question, may I press it?
Michael, where did you get that? I took it when I stole your wallet. I was going to trade it for some pulled taffy.
No way! Listen to me. When I was first hired here, the Chief gave me that as a fail-safe device. I'm going to use it whenever you pose a threat to yourself or others, or national security, or whatever. Michael, it is the only way this company wouldn't share you. The results will not be good.
What? That's crazy! Dan, you're crazy. And to prove it to you, I'm pressing this button. What? If that's the thing for my car, then where's the... Oh, I got that too. Huh.
I could have sworn I cleaned you out. My street habits must be weakening. Gasp! How are you holding up? I listen. Get away. It gets so hard sometimes. Don't touch me. It is.
And where were you today? Tebow's funeral was... Two hours ago? I liked him.
Forget it. So, when does that thing come off again? Oh, like another week. The friggin' thing sucks.
I can't ride roller coasters or nothing. Still, gotta be careful. Don't want a relapse. A relapse?
Hey, Mandy. One day, Mike. One day.
You like her? Yeah. What? Since forever. You what?
Yeah, a bunch of times. Remember the time I said I was boning your mom? I was actually boning Mandy, but I lied because I didn't want to make you mad. Son of a bitch!
Hey, it's all right. I'll get it.
Whoa! Whoa, bro. Dan, are you trying to strangle me? Cut it out! We cool?
Okay. It's all right. Everything's gonna be all right.
Oh! Oh, God! What? Oh, great. My head exploded again.
Well, you've done it. Yeah, you did. You wasted a bunch of time, and you're at the end of the season. This was our super long finale, which I remember was a bit of an effort convincing everyone to let us do a full ten minute thing, but we really wanted to. And then we did. You just watched it.
And I'm sure you'll notice we did terribly on it. I'm sorry.
We went to the beach, which is one of the things you don't do. We had to shoot at like six in the morning so no one was around to stop us. All that beach stuff is ADR, which means our voices are just recorded after the fact, and you can tell.
But it's funny. It's got moments. He was good at it. I was less good at it.
This had our fight scene, which I really liked. Our fight scene was a lot of fun because we didn't want it to look like people who are good at fighting. It was really clumsy, and it was really pushy, and it was like characters announcing, I'm fighting you right now. We're fighting. I like that.
Did you guys know that you were coming back for another season? We didn't know we were coming back for a season two when we shot this.
Hence my head exploding. Which I'm particularly proud of the head exploding because I believe that was the first special effect I ever did.
Yeah. We knew that we could always bring it back to the type of show that we could kill someone when they come back. I mean, the Dig episode, he shot a bunch of people. Dig? I'm still doing that.
But yeah, this was sort of the first time we established the unreality of Mike dying, which then of course became sort of like the impetus for the final end of the whole series. This was like the first time where we did a maneuver where we were like, well, Michael's magical. He has magical powers. We have to somehow explain that later on.
Yeah, he's a dumb demigod. Uh oh, I hope you haven't watched. Spoiler alerts. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep174_Harry_Sanna_Afghanistan_Special | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live here from downtown Petuta. We've got Errol Parker back on deck, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall as well.
And it's been quite a big week in news as I'm sure everyone's aware, Sydney's numbers continue to spike north. Looks like it might have gotten away from Melbourne as well, which isn't good news for anyone down there.
We're starting to realise just how contagious and how almost, what's the word? Infectious. Infectious, but the high viral load of this Delta variant. Yeah, apparently they were saying on the news this morning, as I was watching, they were saying that, you know, the, the sewage all over New South Wales was, was glowing green. The viral load was high and virile, I was saying.
Not good news for anyone. Of course, up here in the proud deep north, we continue to soldier on, COVID can't kill us, can't infect us. COVID doesn't like the heat. Doesn't like that corrugated iron curtain that we put up on the border, either it can't get through. So hates the heat, hates Queenslanders and we hate it.
Yep. Also in the news though. Yes, it all pales in comparison to what is happening in Afghanistan. You know, we, we do have this, you know, it's, it's a super flu that is deleting our elderly and our sick at a rate of knots. You know, it's keeping a lot of people inside, inside their lovely houses with access to food and water, shelter, but of course what's happening over in Afghanistan is really, puts a lot of the struggles that most Australians go through each day in perspective. Absolutely. And the global news cycle hasn't been good for the soul this week. We've seen on top of what's happening in Afghanistan, we've seen, you know, bushfires, the climate fires in Greece, France is starting to light up as well. And of course, poor old Lebanon still have not recovered from the explosion in Beirut 12 months ago. There's vast parts of that country that are without power or fuel. Yeah. Not, not a lot of good coming out of there right now. Afghanistan, obviously though this week has been the one where we've seen the most emotive images coming out of. We saw everything happening at the airport there in Kabul and we're seeing the subsequent fallout from the Taliban, I guess, taking control of the major cities over there and the collapse of the Afghan armed forces.
In today's episode, we're going to speak to someone who probably can't speak to what's happening right now, but in this last 20 years, we've seen 20 years of conflict. And this man was there for quite some time in the middle of all that. Harry Sander, he's a videographer, a journalist and a philanthropist. Yeah. Just a, just a general a storyteller who's going to be able to tell us a little bit about the very complicated situation over there and the, and their history, their modern history at least.
Thank you for joining us today. Harry Sander. Thanks for having me on board.
Now, Harry, can you just tell us what your thoughts were this week? Your initial thoughts, because they would be very different to the rest of us. We know Australians are particularly complicit when it comes to, you know, unstable countries or destabilized countries. And there's often the, oh, you know, no one can help them or they've been at it for years, but you know, that is the truth, but you were there for some of those years. So can you just tell us some of the feelings you had seeing those images earlier this week?
Yeah, of course. Uh, look, I, I think kind of the shocking nature of it was more in the, um, in the speed and relative as peaceful success of the Taliban's push into Kabul. I don't think anyone that had been keeping even a long eye on the country expected it to hold out to the Taliban for too long, but, um, a matter of days and hours by the end of it, I think came as a shock to pretty much everyone. There's all this talk of the Afghan armed forces collapsing, you know, obviously the American way out is by saying they didn't try hard enough and they didn't want to win, which is a pretty interesting thing to say a month after you left them. Yeah, yeah. No, I look, I think obviously it's, it's intrinsically far more complicated than, uh, than that. I don't think it's a matter of their heart being in it or not.
I think traditionally, historically, at least for the last 20 years of this, uh, of this coalition war in Afghanistan. I think the, um, the motivations is kind of something that kind of really needs to be understood and kind of talked about in the forefront. I mean, at the end of the day, the U S forces over there, we're doing it as part of a mission objective that constantly changed from initially eradicating terrorism and obviously an immediate kind of knee jerk reaction to September 11 and then kind of turned into this kind of slightly amorphous nation building effort to kind of institute some sense of democracy and unify a country that traditionally has kind of never really been unified linguistically, culturally, economically, or militarily look, I think at the end of the day, the Afghan national armies, you know, parents sort of melting away kind of pretty much entire dissolution in the spade of, you know, a couple of months, a couple of weeks, and then a couple of days shouldn't come as a huge surprise really. So when you say they haven't been unified in the sense that it's not necessarily a warring nation of divisions, but it is, you know, it's not like Australia where some kid from Perth joins the army, gets sent to Duntroon and they have this, you know, centralised kind of system where all the politicians go to Canberra and all of these people speak the same language and they have elected representatives to represent certain industries and certain regions who all answer to the one leader, that's never really been the case. No, no, culturally, it's pretty isolationist and what the American forces and I guess the international forces as well, but obviously very much driven by the Americans early on, did was pick, I guess, applicable savvy warlords that they thought they could essentially fund back and control that then they just basically walked into power early on and that comes from Karzai and, you know, a bunch of these senior politicians, they essentially legitimised a certain subsect of kind of the nation to control and that's not a new concept that's been done plenty of times before, unfortunately, in history, but I think fundamentally what they tried to do was instil a sense of national sovereignty in a nation that never really understood it, has never really kind of worked with the concept and I mean that's, you know, no slight against the Afghan people at all. I think it's just, it's kind of a square peg round hole and I think that's coming to the fore pretty, pretty intensely now. Do you think the Taliban have that ability to unite? Well, I mean, I certainly think they have the fear factor at this stage. I mean, what you're saying, which is pretty inspiring and honestly pretty remarkable at the moment is the citizenry rising up in certain places, Jalalabad yesterday, and journalists who have been trained and reared during the American occupation there that have a sense of, I guess, democratic hunger and they're calling out the Taliban because the Taliban are holding press conferences now, the whole kind of thing feels very surreal. And, you know, I think there is certainly a lot of, you know, very brave people there that will call the Taliban to account whether the Taliban can actually maintain control of the country. I mean, you know, I feel like anyone that's talking about Afghanistan in any way at the moment doesn't want to say too much because it's been such a fluid situation. But I think if it's going to be them nation building and kind of retaining and kind of regaining control of the country in any way, it'll be definitely driven by fear for the time being. I mean, the obvious concern, concern is a very light word to use, but is that it'll descend into bloodshed.
But so far, it hasn't. And that has been, I think, probably a positive that a lot of... Surprise though, for someone like you that spent time there, is that a surprise? Yeah, I mean, I think so. I mean, my time there was, I lived in country for a couple of years, but sort of traveled there and worked there from 2008 through to 2012, 13.
And Taliban at that time, which were essentially a fighting force that mobilized, trained, and I guess kind of got their shit together in Pakistan during the off season, during the winter season, and then in spring, which is called the fighting season, used to flood back over the border and hit all these American positions in the east and the south pretty hard. I mean, I think an ongoing legacy will be kind of a respect for the Taliban's endurance. Yeah, yeah, because they were coming across, you know, from Pakistan into places like Kandahar homeland, across those places. But just for those people who are listening at home, Harry, what brought you to Afghanistan?
And what were you doing there? Okay, yeah, sure. So you weren't a David Hicks? You weren't a... No, no, no, no, no. You weren't a sympathizer at all with the people? You were a... You're a journalist? Yes, but you were also a freelance as well. You weren't sent there by anyone. No, no, yeah, that's right.
Well, I mean, I was based in South Asia at the time, in Delhi first, and then Pakistan for a little while. It was one of the biggest stories going on there. And kind of as, you know, a young journo trying to kind of cut my teeth in more complicated parts of the world, put it that way. It was, you know, an incredibly appealing story to cover. And I think that's what got me over there to start. And then I think I became a bit obsessed with the story for a time.
I just want to go into how someone who isn't with, I guess, an Australian newspaper, you know, because at the time, there were overseas bureaus for a major mastheads. You weren't with any of them. You weren't with the ABC.
You were kind of a, I guess you'd say a backpacker slash journo in the subcontinent sending work back home? So anyway, I mean, I did a lot of work for American press at the time. There was a time I worked for Al Jazeera for a little bit, I would just do basically as a freelancer. Yeah, you're essentially a gun for hire without a gun. And, and that's kind of what my what my position and role was there as, as time wore on in country in Afghanistan.
You develop contacts, you develop relationships, both within the kind of US military, which was kind of, in that time, the easiest and kind of most approachable way of getting around the country. That's how you did it. You approached them?
Yeah, so Yeah, so they're essentially the quantus of Afghanistan at the time. Fundamentally, you could call them that. Yeah, you could call them that. They probably wouldn't call themselves that.
But yeah, no, so they had Americans push something called the called the embed program, which was essentially pairing journalists with different American and Afghan units all around the country. And I mean, that's very much part of a structure of American propaganda, in some ways, you know, and I guess fundamentally, that is something that that I was conscious of at the time. And I certainly think people are more conscious of now that the narratives that you would spin kind of from within the system of the American military, I mean, you're essentially going out with these men and women that that are protecting you, they're the ones with the guns, and you're in an active war zone. And so anytime you're in a firefight, I'm ducking like a fucking moron hoping someone's gonna shoot us out of us, you know, and, and I think in that way, it kind of comes with its own challenges of remaining scant, scant, and, and yeah, kind of, how do you how do you deal with that, knowing that, you know, you've approached for a certain unit of the American army and said, Can I please come with you to wherever you're going next? I want to put cameras on you. They say yes, knowing full well, I mean, obviously, the American, as you mentioned before, they have a way of you know, that that actually makes them look good by bringing someone like you with them. But the soldiers don't necessarily think that. So what do you what do you do in that circumstance where they now know that they've got some long haired Australian bloke that they've also got to keep an eye on as well as themselves? How would you work with them? Yeah, look, I mean, it kind of differed from unit to unit and kind of whatever the, I guess the mission objective of these particular units or battalions or what have you are I mean, I was with the Marines in the south in Helmand you mentioned before and the hundred and first airborne in the east for a while and then a medevac unit and so different parts of the country different missions, the mileage varied on journalists being along for the ride, particularly in places that were kind of hard fought. And, and kind of encountered a lot of a lot of firefights, a lot of blood and guts kind of every day, I think, having a journalist around didn't kind of might have slowed their role a little bit.
Yeah. But I think in some ways, that's probably as good a thing as it is a bad thing. Yeah.
So what did the country look like when you arrived there in 2008? Like, like, from what we saw, you know, earlier on this year that Afghanistan had had essentially returned to some sense of normality. What was it like, you know, 13 years ago? Well, I mean, I'll probably talk to sort of 2009 onwards, because that's when I was sort of in country a lot more.
And how old were you when you dropped yourself in there? First up, I think I was 22. Which I mean, you know, it sounds ridiculously young as you bet. I mean, I was still a year or two older than most of the American soldiers.
So that in that way, that actually, I know, I know, it's, it's, it's a weird thing. But yeah, no, look, I, at the 2009, Obama, one of his kind of first sort of acts when he kind of landed in office was order a troop surge in Afghanistan, which happened in nine. And so the idea was to kind of reinvigorate and route out the Taliban in some of these kind of heartland areas in the south and the east. And so kind of suddenly you had like 100,000 plus more boots on the ground there. And there was kind of this sense of momentum where that kind of felt like it was maybe flagging a little bit before suddenly you had troops, you had tanks, you kind of had the full apparatus, the American military machine kind of just descending on this country. And there was kind of, I guess, in some ways, there was a sense of optimism. But then again, I mean, and this is, I think, probably an important point.
I was just this week going through some of my old stories, coverage of Afghanistan during that time, and then into sort of 2010 11, wrote a story about a valley in Afghanistan called Pesh Valley, which is sort of at the mouth of the Coringill Valley. And this was kind of a really intense area of fighting. There was a doco called Restrepo. Yeah, came out about around that time that was about a unit in Coringill Valley, it was one of the bloodiest fights in the war at that time. And just kind of looking back at some of the some of the kind of little bits and color and things that I'd sort of pulled out for that story.
You know, there was this feeling that probably the Americans would withdraw out of that area over the coming months, and talking to those Afghan National Army guys at the time, and some of the local elders and all of that, there was a sense that they said, look, Taliban will come in the moment the Americans step out of here. And I mean, we're talking an article I wrote 10 years ago, there was a, this, this valley in in Kunar province in eastern Afghanistan, right alongside Pakistan, the border there, there was 101st Airborne was kind of weighing up the option of kind of withdrawing from that area at the time. And, and the Afghan National Army, all these interviews I did at that time, they said, you know, the moment the Americans leave, we do not have the firepower, the training, the discipline to kind of withstand a Taliban push at this time, and you know, 10 years later, look where we are. So where was the Taliban at this time? I mean, that they're obviously out in the field, though, in Pakistan, they were fighting, but um, as soon as the Americans would leave, you know, where would the Taliban kind of materialize from?
Like, were they just kind of like they're lying dormant? Yeah, well, I mean, this is kind of where you get, I think, where, rightly and wrongly, comparisons of Vietnam kind of come up pretty, pretty strongly. I mean, the Taliban, you know, they dress differently, they obviously were lugging around small and medium arms and things like that. So they kind of stood out from your average local Afghan, but at the same time, I mean, the war, and particularly in those in those heavy areas of fighting down in the in the south and in the east. I mean, the Americans paid a lot of locals to fight on their behalf. A lot of those soldiers were Afghan National Army, Afghan National Police, Afghan Border Police, but then a lot of others were kind of irregulars, I guess you'd call them. And it was basically just a war of just kind of economic attrition in some ways and and kind of who would, who would essentially pay these guys to fight? And so, obviously, kind of as part of the the American withdrawal, you kind of losing these economic incentives, but you're also really losing air support and and kind of the fear of the American military, which was kind of pervasive and didn't keep the Taliban away.
Yeah. So I guess I guess in, you know, I sort of took that took that question a few directions. But I mean, to answer it, either across the border, or they weren't Taliban at the time. Yeah. Yeah, they were cops or something, you know? Yeah, I mean, and and yeah, no, that's, I mean, there's obviously the hard trained fighters, but they were the they were the folks that kind of pulled back over the border. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, is that is that part of it?
So is this is this what we're seeing now with this collapse of a government and military? Is it maybe now that the Taliban's got the biggest checkbook in the country? So yeah, and but also, this isn't like we're coming into bat for say, you know, we look at it's little Yugoslavia, for example, formerly known as, we could have, you know, in the Australian Army, the American Army could have jumped on any one of those warring sides during, you know, their civil war, and they would have had an army, a local army, that were fighting for something. In Afghanistan, we had to create that. Yeah, fundamentally, I mean, but by, like what I was saying before about sort of trying to kind of instill a sense of national sovereignty around a centralized government in Kabul, you're essentially trying to create a nation state where there never was one before. And I mean, you know, the Taliban was in the 90s, they came, they sprung out of a vacuum that the Russians left when they kind of failed after their 10 years of war in the 80s. And, and emerged after a pretty brutal civil war, victorious in the late 90s.
And then you got 2001. Yeah, it's kind of all sort of, you know, there's something cyclical about it. Yeah, they've got the runs on the board, really, like they had a win at home, I guess, don't they? They do.
And we're talking kind of incredibly seasoned and experienced fighters. And, you know, they've had the motivation in a way that no one else has had drive, endurance and motivation. And, and I mean, the Afghan National Army was, was kind of pulled from across Afghanistan across these, yeah, yeah, these, you know, ethnic linguistic lines, and told to kind of fight for basically a wage because at the same time, there was no real belief in the system of centralised government in Kabul. And part of that is because of rampant corruption. And part of that is because it's not something that's existed in the mindset. I mean, there was talk of this war, winning this war by generation. And now they've been there, essentially a generation, but obviously, it was going to take longer.
And I don't think the withdrawal, by any means was the wrong call. I mean, how long? How long do you stay there as an international occupying force? I think certainly.
And I mean, this is logistical calamity seems to be a bit of a buzz term for the last couple of years in general in the world. I think this particular withdrawal in Afghanistan, what's happened since the Taliban reoccupied Kabul, yeah, will go down as one of the greatest logistical calamities of the 21st century.
Yeah. Do you reckon this is something that will be remembered? Like there's certain things in the American Empire that everyone remembers was an arrow to the knee. Hurricane Katrina was one of them. You know, where that they really fell short there. Yeah. And they probably lost a lot of faith in themselves. Yeah. Vietnam War was definitely one of them. Do you reckon this will be our George Bush hates black people? Yeah. Yeah, it was basically, you know, put that one out there for us. But there were a lot of a lot of different moments. George Floyd, for example. Yeah, this this is the this is the defining. Yeah, yeah. On the century. Yeah, look, I mean, if you if you look at the if you look at this week, and the fall of Kabul as a bookend to a row of tomes that started at September 11, as the other side of the bookcase. I think you could comfortably from an armchair call it a decline of American imperialism. Yeah. I mean, I think that yeah, that's a legacy that will come up.
And I mean, look, I think something certainly not to not to turn away from and something to kind of really, I think probably champion over the over the coming months and years is is the mental health of the people that were involved in that war. Yeah, those that served here here in Australia, overseas, of course, first and foremost, at the moment, the focus and the attention from policymakers from the media from the general global public should be on the safety of the Afghan people and a hopefully for fairly peaceful transfer all of full power across the country back to the Taliban without, you know, too much too much bloodshed, but also too many concessions. lost. I mean, particularly around female education, you know, empowerment of women in general. I mean, that's obviously a huge concern. I mean, I don't think fundamentally, globally, there's a lot of trust in the Taliban that that will continue.
But I mean, it's it's hard to say. I mean, this has been a surprising week in the country. But there's been a bit of a mask off this week.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. It's fascinating. You've got some of these old these old commanders that have kind of come. Yeah, come on.
There's one that's like had a four and a half year holiday in Cuba. And now he's back in Kabul.
I know.
It's unbelievable. Imagine being a fly on the wall following these guys. I mean, like, every year you get these autobiographies from cricketers and sports stars. I mean, that's the story I want to read.
Yeah, no, like gone from, you know, being a child when, you know, the Soviets were in there to, yeah, to seeing the Americans pour a bunch of money into to the merger deemed, you know, look at not living the war. Yeah, look, it is a dramatic few decades for Afghanistan. I mean, you know, close to half a century. I mean, you could stretch it back. I mean, you know, they called it the graveyard of empires, you know, and, you know, going back to the great game, which was sort of when the kind of British colonial powers were fighting the Russians. And now you've kind of got Chinese interests there. You've got the Pakistanis, you've got India, you've got the states. I mean, it is it's kind of a really fascinating fascinates, perhaps not lending to the grim nature of it for for the people on the ground there. But you've got you've got a place that has been a nexus of geopolitical kind of saber rattling and saber swinging for so long now.
I mean, it's, you know, what's next? I mean, it's it speaks to something, though, doesn't it?
And so I think it's of great interest to everyone in the world that the Afghan people, while this in this last 20 years, you can kind of look around the world, all the countries that joined in on that war with America, like the globalization of this effort didn't take much, you know, I mean, it wasn't hard to get a bunch of people to be on the side of America. And wasn't, you know, we've had a we've experienced, I guess, the internet in that time, we've experienced, you know, generations around the world. Who are now all watching NBA in the back of bloody, you know, back of Brisbane. We've got like, there's a globalization that's happening elsewhere in the world. And that's why Afghanistan is so interesting that they have just not flinched on anything, despite having Americans in there paying $300 million a day to make them into a system like theirs, that they were able to not do that.
No, that's right. I mean, the Russians did that before, would you say? Yeah, no, I mean, the Russians did. I mean, Russians didn't put nearly as much of an investment in as the Americans have both in time, I think half the time, and certainly a fraction of the money.
But, you know, I think I mean, it's it can't be not seen as a tragedy in any way, shape or form. I mean, it's the loss of life, fundamentally, obviously. But, but I think it's, what's hard, and what's, I think, really important, and especially for for listeners, I think, is, on an Australian context, considering, you know, the servicemen and women that that were over there, at this time, I think there'll be a real struggle with the perceived futility of the whole endeavor. Talking, we're talking 20 years, and a lot of people lost a lot of friends, family members, people lost limbs, you know, people, people have been affected by it in, you know, untold ways. I mean, that's, it's also, you know, sorry, it's important to point out that, you know, while this thing has, its 20 year regime has, you know, not netted the results that we thought we weren't even sure what the results we were looking for were.
That's not to say, obviously, the people that went there weren't the best of the best. And they were, and I'm sure the Americans you saw were absolutely top to bottom military men and women. It was just a completely different thing to what everyone thought they were getting into. Yeah, I mean, there is partly that I think partly as well, though, I mean, to go back to what I was saying before about the motivation, and I guess, grit and determination of the Taliban kind of eventually winning out just by time alone. I mean, you've got you've got American service members, as well as Australia, and every coalition member that kind of joined that, joined that fight early on. You've got a situation where people are joining up for all kinds of reasons. I mean, America saw, you know, millions of people through Afghanistan, their own, you know, men and women. And I think what's not to be kind of lost and forgotten there is beyond sort of the mission and the fact that they were doing their jobs over there.
People sign up to the military for tertiary education, for corrective eye surgery, you know, like, it's a job. Like, like healthcare. Yeah, like healthcare.
Exactly. In the States, that is. Yeah, that's right. The States, I am talking specifically about America.
And, you know, when I when I do talk about this stuff, I did not have a lot of back and forth with the Australian military over there. They weren't as open with journalists, and particularly because of our special forces kind of role there. We had a lot more special force on the ground.
And obviously, news considering what's happened. It's classified. Yeah, it's, it's, it's classified. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. So, yes, I mean, I think when we're talking about America specifically, I mean, I've got a ton of respect.
It is different. It is.
No, no, no, no, no. Australians are, Australians are joining the army often from army families, and they want to protect their country. And they could do that in the police force. And they could do that in many ways, or they could have any other job.
And otherwise, like, it's, it's, it's a great job. Yeah, it's a great job. It's a fantastic job.
It offers so much to so, so many people in that it's not just where you go and get things. It's where you go and grow into something. In the States, it's an emancipation. In America, it's, it's, it's getting the fuck out of bumfuck Idaho, really.
Yeah, look, I mean, and not to not to in any way cast aspersions or dispute the American morale, because I feel like it's as strong as anywhere in the world. And I feel like not to dispute the American morale and the kind of ethos of the military because I mean, I think it's kind of one of the most powerful and when I say powerful, I mean, strongly believed by the individual service members in the world.
I mean, ideology. Yeah, ideology. I mean, America's kind of a fascinating place for that. And certainly kind of, I think, acts as an interesting counterpoint to Australia in general, when we talk about kind of jingoistic kind of approaches to nationalism.
I mean, you know, but I do think, you know, with with experience to the Americans and I produced a film a couple of years ago following a American medevac units, incredibly brave men and women who were on a black or Kelly copter and would fly out to front lines all over the country in Afghanistan and pick up dead wounded, seriously injured. And that would go for coalition service members, local Afghans, Taliban, locals that were giving birth, anything really that was just kind of a, you know, paramedic kind of organization that was part of the US military for sure. But, um, but I mean, I think mental health for service people that were over in Afghanistan is going to be and should be at the forefront of everyone's minds going forward.
I mean, if the if the legacy of Afghanistan deemed by kind of the public at large, the global audience is going to be what a futile waste of time. They are using words like pointless. And, you know, yeah, aside from the trauma they're carrying from service and from literally gunfire and, you know, explosions and shot at and seeing their mates die, that wasn't bad enough now being told by the general population that what they did was pointless. Yeah, that doesn't feel like a good place to be. No, no. And I think the legacy of Vietnam and kind of, you know, I mean, this, this all happened kind of before before our time, three, you know, three of us in this room. But I think, you know, the whole baby killer kind of Yeah, I mean, if we've learned one thing from that, it's that it's incredibly destructive. And there's a generation of people couple of generations now considering the length of the Afghan war that will be carrying that for the rest of their lives.
And we need to be very careful. And we also need to be incredibly supportive. And, you know, for those listening that are in that position, I mean, I'm not saying anything you haven't heard before, but seek help. Yeah, talk to the people around you. And vocalize. Yeah, you know, I mean, I think that's really important.
Don't don't sit with this, because it's not easy. It's not easy for anyone that was there in country. And I think it's gonna feel off and wrong. And I guess it's up to everyone to try and decide where that line is. Yeah, seek help. Well, and if you're not getting help from the people that said they'd give you help call Jackie Lambie's office, and she will sort you out.
We got a lot of love for Jackie and Petuda. She's she's fighting the good fight for the veterans.
So yeah, wise words there, Harry. Well, Harry, when was I suppose that the documentary you made trauma, it's basically in two parts for those who haven't seen it at home is the first part, you know, you're in country with these with these boys from the medevac unit. Kind of the second part is, is when you're revisiting them again, once they've gotten back to America, what stuck out to you about the changes that these men had gone through once they'd gotten home?
Yeah, I think I've sort of, I liken it a little bit to sort of, you know, the old kind of stage magic show trick of kind of soaring, soaring the assistant in half. I feel like when you go out and you are involved in combat in any way, shape or form, really, but particularly if it's in a foreign country, fighting for reasons that may seem fairly amorphous to you, personally, I think what it does is it kind of saws you in half. And I think returning home is kind of that part of the magic show where they're spinning you around in one side, and you see the foot of the feet sticking out the other side of a box. But, but you're part of the magic trick.
You don't have any idea how how it's feeling. And I feel like it's incredibly hard to fuse those two parts of you back together. And, and I think for, you know, every one of those individuals I covered in trauma, as well as kind of many veterans at large, I think trying to marry the experiences of kind of combat in a tour or multiple tours overseas, and home life, being a mother, being a son, being a functioning member of society, in some ways can be really challenging. It's not across the board, but I think a lot of people struggle with it, especially in the early days.
How long would a tour be? Depended on the unit.
Marines were, again, I'm talking America. US Marines were six months, US Army, 12.
But sometimes that would shift, missions change, things happened. But I mean, we're talking, I mean, some of the guys I covered in my documentary, as well as other people I, you know, had had experiences with working there as a journalist, you know, they were doing three, four, five tours. And you, yeah, you're thinking at the time, there's Iraq war going on in the early days as well. So they were bouncing between Iraq and Afghanistan. Yeah, well, no, they were saying in the war crimes inquiry here that there were six instances of special forces, guys, they're done like 13 to 15 tours.
Yeah. So that's basically every year back to back just spending that like there is no break at all. Like there's no coming back to Perth and hanging out at Swanbourne or anything. It's just it's it's just 15 years of nonstop fighting. Getting close to half your life for a lot of those blokes. Yeah. So you just look at where we're at in Australia right now, where we're looking like a good part of this country could spend a year, a good part of a year in lockdown.
And look at those people who are now wondering, will I be the same when I come out of this? Will life go back to normal?
Just imagine that except you're not in your living room. You're in the desert in the Middle East with gunfire with a bunch of people that you have had to form very quick relationships with and bonds with. And you might even see a couple of them die in front of you.
Yeah. And then we talk about lockdown ends in Afghanistan and you arrive back in Kentucky and you try to go on church on Sunday and you try and get a subway and you're trying to go back to work as a, you know, whatever else your brothers and mates are doing. Yeah. You got to see that firsthand, Harry. Yeah. No, look, a lot of that.
And I think, yeah, that that, you know, just life over there as a foreign soldier in Afghanistan, I think is, you know, every single facet of it is so fundamentally at its core different to what life at home is like for most. You know, in some of these observation posts and, you know, fire off operating bases and things like that. I mean, the toilet essentially is kind of an area of the sandbags where you shit into a plastic bag and throw it over the over the Hescos or the or the sandbags because you can't ever stand up because of incoming fire. I mean, when you kind of putting it down to sort of, you know, the core indignities.
So would you, would you say in that, in that, in that sense and how different that world is in general, in war itself, but how different Afghanistan is as the, you know, the people of that vast land who don't all identify as compatriots of one another. Would you say that speaks to why no one has ever been able to defeat them in, in the sense of the value systems are so different that even with a trillion dollar American military coming in, they just can't read this landscape.
Look, I mean, if you, if you look at pictures of, of the Afghan landscape, the physical landscape, I mean, you're, you're talking about an incredibly, I mean, in parts of the country, particularly around the East and the Hindu Kush, which kind of leads eventually into the Himalayas and things. It's incredibly beautiful. I mean, it's kind of Tolkien-esque, but it's rugged and it's harsh. And down South, you've got these deserts and kind of these poppy plantations and things like that. I mean, you know, like I said before, I mean, country after country, going back to sort of Alexander the Great has sort of, I guess, washed and broken on its shores. It's a landlocked country, but I use it metaphorically, but it's an incredibly stoic in every kind of way of the word place.
And, um, and I think a word that I've seen kind of thrown around in the media this week, and I kind of have mixed emotions about is, um, using the term kind of, of the last 20 years as sort of an experiment in democracy, as an American kind of imperialistic exported democracy as a concept. I don't know how I feel about it, but it's an interesting idea to think. And I mean, 20 years doesn't certainly seem like it has been enough. And I think in some ways, the war entirely has been a failure if you just look at it quite clearly and objectively. But I think, I mean, at the end of the day, I think it's tremendously sad for everyone involved.
I mean, first and foremost, the Afghan people who, regardless of one side of the line they came down on and kind of whether they supported the US invasion and the coalition invasion and kind of what their feelings were towards the Taliban throughout the years. You know, they just haven't been able to catch a fucking break in so long in so many generations now. You just, your heart goes out for them. So a lot of what you've covered, obviously there was some years you spent there, but obviously your, what you spent a lot of time on after you came back was this documentary Trauma, which tells the story of Afghanistan through the eyes of the medivacs.
Where can people find that now? That's on Apple. Apple iTunes and Amazon. Amazon Prime, so it can be found there. And yeah, I guess to put it...
On Tug too and Vimeo too. On Demand. On Demand?
I believe it is. Well look, the thing, you can go to Trauma.film. That's right. And you'll find it. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, no, that's, that's right.
So yeah, no, fundamentally, I guess if you wanted to give it a watch, it's a story, as these guys said about an American medivac unit, and it's told over the course of about six, seven years from the time I first met them in 2010, 11. And then I follow them back and forth from home life back to country again, and tell the story of how they assimilate back into society. I really liked it because it's, it's, it's such a rare insight into what it was like there that hasn't been put through, you know, the washing machine of commercial television, or through, you know, a state kind of media outlet like the ABC.
This is, you know, it's, it's essentially you and these guys. Yeah, yeah, no, that's right.
I mean, it was really important for me to just kind of essentially be the single point of contact throughout for this particular unit from the time there. And obviously, I, I sort of earned, I'd like to hope I earned my time with them in the subsequent years, spending time in their homes and with their families from the time back in the US from the time I spent with them in the helicopter. But yeah, I think it, it offers certainly not a broad narrative of Afghanistan. I don't know if one of those can be given at this stage, but it offers a window into a small slice of that war. And, you know, I hope people take something away from it. Well, thank you for joining us, Harry. That was a small and informative kind of insight into your time there and, and everything that's going on in the news.
One thing I do want to ask is you just mentioned before, as we finish up, you just mentioned before, Afghanistan is rugged, Afghanistan is beautiful, and it is very varied in its landscape. What was the most beautiful thing you saw there? Oh, look, I mean, beautiful in terms of the landscape, I think, I think certainly the eastern part of the country around those sort of really high mountainous areas of the Hindu Kush, you've got kind of villages that have been entirely built out of stone, and these kind of ancient rivers. I mean, you know, we were talking before about, you know, the legacy of Vietnam, if you look at Vietnam now as a holiday destination, I mean, it seems surreal and perhaps even the wrong thing to kind of posit as a concept, certainly at this stage. But I mean, the country is a outdoor paradise in many ways. I mean, the tragedy that's befallen all the people there will never be washed out of those of those mountains, but it is mountainous and green and intensely blue rivers. Again, I'm talking the eastern part of the country, and the people there, the people in these villages, I mean, in the midst of the war.
And while I was being essentially ferried along kind of behind American patrols that kind of were going in, you know, the children that kind of were still sort of running around being kids. I mean, it was, you know, beautiful to see as much as it was tragic. Well, we hope for more of that more of that kind of imagery coming out of there in the next generation.
Look, let's, let's see. Let's see.
Well, thanks for joining us today, Harry. That's Trauma. You can get it now on Apple, Amazon Prime, you get it on your boat, get it in your ute. What did we say before there? You can get it from, look, just go to Trauma.film and it tells you every which way you can get it. Thanks, guys. |
SaturdayNightLive | dad_s_new_girlfriend_snl | Oh, I am so nervous. I can't calm down. you have nothing to be worried about, Nancy. nothing. What are you talking about? this is the first Christmas with your children since your divorce. I want it to be perfect. Do I look okay? you look great. Okay, Claire's favorite color is red, but Derek likes green. Oh, I should have gotten a sweater that had both in it. are the stores still open? Relax. I love you, so why won't they? it's a Christmas.
Hey, Dad. hey, kitten. hey, Mom. uh, what? Oh, you know what, Derek? I don't think that is mom. You know what? you're right. that is Not Mom. in fact, that is nothing more than an imposter.
Hey, has anyone seen my childhood? No? well, maybe I'll see if it's in the freaking car. I'll go help you look. I'm pretty sure it's next to my shattered memories. they like you. what are you talking about? you don't know them like I do. trust me, they like you. the sweater worked. you know what? this is my fault. I'm just gonna stay in the kitchen and finish the food and sneak out the back door. just tell them that I was the housekeeper. No, no. Derek, did you want to say something? yeah, um, sorry, Dad. sorry, new lady. it's okay, Tiger. we know how excitable you can get around Christmas time. remember when you got your toy train? that's so sweet. was it really? were you there, or did the scientists who built you actually give you my mother's memories as well?
You soulless Android! uh, no, I actually went through the shoeboxes of your old Christmas photos, cataloged them, organized them by year, and had new prints stuck on the faded ones and put them in this photo album I made myself. I took a bookbinding class at the community center. Oh, you put pictures in a book.
Wow, when you say it that way, I guess I do love you more than my real mom! she hopes you're happy. that means she's warming up to you. Uh, I should go. I don't feel comfortable here. I'm just gonna catch the bus. do they run on Christmas? You know what? This is a family. we have our high points and our low points. maybe you're right. I mean, it's natural. they just need time to warm up to me. they are teenagers, after all. actually, Derek is 30 and Claire is 28.
Okay, um, we have something to say. yeah, um, I'm sorry I've been acting like such a jerk. it's just, I love my mom and I can't help but hate you for trying to take her place. and no matter how nice you are, that will never change. I will always hate you.
Great, let's open presents. Okay, well, um, I don't really know you two that well, but Derek, I know that you like baseball and you enjoy literature, so I thought that maybe I would give you. Well, for the record, you had an autographed Hank Aaron home run ball and you had a first edition of the Bell Jar. both very expensive, but no hard feelings. Well, I've got a big surprise for you kids.
I've decided to let Nancy make our very own special Christmas Eggnog. The way you know who used to make it. I don't know how to make eggnog.
What? Well, if you'd given me some advanced notice, I just, I'm sure I could. sorry to interrupt. Quick question. Who are you? Uh, I'm, I'm Nancy, your girlfriend. I don't think you are. I think you're an evil succubus who's driving a wedge between me and my family and I need you to leave. Oh. I, Alan, I. Now, please. Go. I thought she was a keeper.
Dad, why don't you just call Mom in Cleveland and apologize for insulting her cooking? Because for the hundred-time kitten, it was a terrible meal.
Merry Christmas, Everybody. Merry Christmas, Dad! |
cracked | why_stupid_youtube_comments_are_older_than_the_internet_youtube_exclusive | Hi there, I'm Sorin Bui, and I want to read something important to all of you, something that's so important that the first time that I read it, I wrote it down word for word from a rest stop bathroom in Nevada. This was written over the urinal where I was peeing, and it starts. What are you looking up here for? The joke is in your hands. So good one. Then below that it says, you stole this. Ah, so the possibility of plagiarism. The story is building. Below that it says, fuck you. I expected shit on the toilets, not on the walls. Burn. Below that it says, hey faget, spelled G-G-E-T, you spend too much time in the men's rooms. And then it takes a turn, because one of the original authors comes back, and he writes, who, me, or the other guy. And then below that it just says, vagina, in big capital letters and six exclamation points. Now here's why I treasure this. Knowing that this is out there, that this has been out there since time immemorial, since there were bathroom walls to write on.
How can we ever be surprised by what YouTube comment sections have become? Surely this is everywhere on the internet. This is on blogs, this is on reputable news sources. But I think we can all agree it's a little bit worse on YouTube. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go ahead and open another tab. And look for any video of gorillas and chimpanzees fighting. Then read the comments.
Oh wait. Ooh.
Not pretty, is it? Now it's easy for us to look at this and step back and say, well, it's fucked. This monumental achievement in video technology and interpersonal connection has devolved into this miserable swamp of sadness because of us. But that's why I like this so much, because it reminds me that it's really not that bad. Well, it is. But it's not like it's a new type of bad. We've been this awful forever.
This is just what humans do. It's what men do. I have no idea what's on the walls in women's bathrooms. I want to say sconces. The point is, this is what we do as a species. We see an empty space and we have to fill it with something. We have to affect it in some way so that the people who come after us know that we exist. And that's all these guys are doing in this bathroom in Nevada, is reminding the world that they exist in the shittiest way possible. And that's why it's the perfect metaphor for the YouTube comment sections. Because we're all just speeding down this information superhighway where we stop every once in a while to just shit on stuff and be miserable to each other.
I mean, one of the guys even came back. Think about the implications of that. He must have been lying at home just seething, wondering if anyone read what he wrote and if anyone called him gay. And they did. And he drove those 50 or 60 or 70 miles or whatever it was back to that rest stop in the middle of nowhere. And he had to look at that and say, gay, gay, okay. Well would a gay man know about vaginas?
Now it's easy to get discouraged knowing this. But I don't want you to be.
I think we're all better than this. We're better than this. We can do better.
I believe in all of you. We all exist in this big long timeline of a cognitive technological evolution. And we're just not very far yet. We're not at the exact beginning. Because it's way worse earlier and that's how I know that we're getting better.
When streaming video first started on the internet, our reaction to it was to use it to solve our basis needs. We looked at this new opportunity to upload video from anywhere in the world and our reaction was, but can I fuck it? And yeah, it turned out we could. The internet had to start with piles and piles of porn because we have to go through every single step of that cognitive evolution to get where we are now.
And right now, we're at kind of like the tween stage. We're like a really shitty tween. Where we just shout things every once in a while in the hopes that somebody else will notice us. And we make those things as awful and ugly as we possibly can.
But we're getting better. I think we have to get better. Right? We're gonna get better? Some walls certainly haven't gotten any better. Just sort of a glass ceiling there.
I'm just asking, maybe if you just stop using the internet when you shit, that would be nice. If you're shitting right now, stop shitting. I mean, like, finish. But wait, no, everything you need to do. But get out of the bathroom and then use the internet somewhere else. Because I think just being in the bathroom is making us worse.
I don't know, fuck it. Maybe not. Now, this, I mean, I don't want you to get discouraged by this.
Here's a picture of a vagina. Little part, right, ladies? I know that part. I'm an adult. What's the question?
It's really good.
We played with it like a child would. We looked at, and I shouldn't say check a check because I'm about to say we want to fuck it. Um, okay. |
TheOnion | response_to_opinions_of_our_uninformed_viewers | Moving on. The first installment of our new interactive segment, Viewer Voices. What's your opinion? Giving you a voice. Talk to us. Let's chat. All right. If you have a question or a comment about one of the segments you have seen on our network recently, you can email an instant message or text us at the address you see below, and I will respond right here on the air. What's your opinion? Time for Cybermail.
Your story on the anorexia epidemic in our high schools was scary. Are there other problems for teens these days? Thank you for that question, Samantha. My answer is yes. Teens face many problems, hundreds, maybe thousands of problems.
New message. Instant response. A text message from Paula in Portland, Maine. She writes, what about dollars signed to go for schools then? Paula, that's very vague and not really a question. Let's move on. New message. Talk to us. Let's chat. Looks like we have an instant message from Dayton, Ohio.
DocChuy89 writes, your report on Asian immigrants was terrible. You are a racist. Well, Dr. Chuy, you clearly misunderstood the meaning of the piece. It was not intended...
New message. Well, then I advise you, sir, to change the channel. This network's success... New message. Sir, I am a respected news anchor. I have been in this business 40 years. New message.
Fuck you, too.
View our voices. What's your opinion? Talk to us. Let's chat. You can email or instant message or even text us at the address you see below there on you on the TV. |
cracked | the_most_expensive_movie_you_ve_never_heard_of_cracked_responds_geostorm | Guys, there's a movie coming out from one of the writers of Independence Day, Dean Devlin. It's called Geostorm, and we're going to watch the trailer right now, and you guys are going to be so f***ing excited. Let's do it. Look at this. All right, so there's some lightning in the future. In the future. Very deceptive because the movie Life is Coming Out, and it looks like we're about to see the trailer for Life.
A potentially much better film. Potentially a better film.
And then they're like, no, weather machine. Sorry. Like, there's a satellite that shoots bombs into clouds, and then weather happens, which... That's... I'm not like a scientist, but that doesn't seem right.
Is that X2? Probably. What is X2?
All the old tornadoes. Literally like drop tornadoes? Yeah, it's precision tornadoes.
This looks like it's from the producer of Independence Day. Yeah, they just keep making the same thing. They literally have the shot from the car, from the back seat, and then two people in the front row turning around, and the disaster behind them. Yeah. Are you sure it's not a supercut of all disaster movies? We spent 15 years making every disaster movie. And then someone's like, let's do that again, but all at once.
It was a giant snowball. Yeah, crushed a bus in half. Yeah, and flew right through that umbrella. Oh, wait a minute. Like, is that supposed to be hail? Giant snowball?
They just showed the weather station blow up, so we know it blows up. They did it. They solved, they solved. I assume Gerard Butler will heroically be inside that thing when it explodes. Oh, man. Okay, so the premise of the movie is that there's a space station that controls the weather, because we needed that in the future. And now it's gone rogue, apparently, and just really just shitting on the world with weather. It's gone rogue? Sounds good.
Which is more or less the plot of the core, which was that we made an earthquake machine that went bad and stopped the core of the earth from spinning. Why do we make an earthquake machine? I assume it was the same thought process for the weather machine. Yeah, exactly. Why not make a weather machine? But at least a weather machine is like, okay, it's too hot. We need it nice and chilly. Or like a drought. Yeah, but like an earthquake machine, what does that get us? Also, why would we make a weather machine that would create natural disasters?
Right, none of this is, I guess, weather, but it's the worst kind of weather. Yeah, it's like the worst.
Assassin, tornadoes. Hail the ghost through umbrellas. Giant hail.
This movie kind of looks like the 90s, right? Because that was like the time when we were really obsessed with the Independence Day guys and we were just having them make the same movie. It's just like a vaguely different disaster each time. Right. How many days did we blow up? Godzilla, Day After Tomorrow, 2012. And now this is all of them, except for maybe an atomic monster or aliens, although we can't rule them out because space is featured heavily.
On the subject of it being old, we should talk about the fact that it was made in 2014. That's not this year or last year or the year before that. Yeah, they shot it in 2014. It went to test audiences who apparently hated it.
Not enough weather. Yeah, not enough weather.
That's a good guess. And so they did $15 million in reshoots and they didn't have the original director, so they got the director of Judge Dredd, the 95 Judge Dredd? Not the new one. Not the good one. That's such an appropriate switch.
They made this movie and they didn't like it. So they did reshoots for a year and this was supposed to come out last March and they needed to fix it. So instead they threw in Batman vs. Superman on the day that this was supposed to come out. Yes. So they were like, Batman vs. Superman is ready. We need more time with this Geostorm film. You can't keep correcting the masterpiece or else you're going to ruin it eventually. There's a DaVinci new one to step back and say, this is done. Maybe they should have just had Geostorm come out and people not like it. And then you wait on Batman vs. Superman and then because you did that, you can wait on Suicide Squad and fix that movie.
And it also softens the blow. It's like if you're giving someone a gift and you know they won't like it, you kick them in the balls first with Geostorm and then you hand them Batman vs. Superman. They're like, God, at least it's not Geostorm. At least it's not Geostorm. At least it's not Batman vs. Superman, Cole and Geostorm. At least it's not a man punching me in the chest and making me watch Geostorm.
Yeah, why didn't they just Batman vs. Superman vs. Geostorm? It would make way more sense as a Lex Luthor plot. Lex Luthor built a space station to destroy the weather rather than just we made one and now it's mad.
There's also a B-plot where the president is going to be assassinated. They uncover a plot to assassinate the president. The Geostorm is incidental to the presidential assassination. It's extremely possible. Or they're using the Geostorm to assassinate the president. Or they're using the Geostorm to cover up the assassination.
Oh, I like that. Like a big distraction. I don't love it though. I mean, it's all just generic disaster anyway. Yeah. It's just a 98% fight. Yeah, this is the go-bots of 90s disaster movies. Well, I'm going to see it twice. Of course. I'm going to hate it both times.
Hey, if you like stand-up, come see The Cracked Stand-Up Show. It's happening March 23rd at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you want to see amazing stand-up comedians, including our own Tom Ryman, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets.
And if you want to see me without a shirt on, you're rude. |
cracked | how_the_nfl_is_bankrupting_killing_all_its_players_cracked_responds | Buh-duh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Hi, I'm Alex and I'm Adam and welcome to cracks NFL power rankings Whoo. Yeah this week. We decided after That's much the debacle last week. Well buckle. It was bad. We skated by it was real bad Well, they let us do another one.
And so we decided to to adjust our power rankings topping them off this week back up quarterbacks That's because almost all the starting quarterbacks the NFL this year are injured already. That's right Why are they injured because being an NFL player is a nightmare? These are just the quarterbacks We've lost this season so far Tony Romo Roethlisberger is Roethlisberger's out. So now he's sorry I know so now Vicks throwing picks probably in warm-ups already Let me tell you if you're a fan if you're a football fan and Michael Vick comes to play for your team You're really upset about that and I'll tell you why because you know, he's gonna play he has to play That's the only way that he's so excited That's the only way the cosmos works if Michael Vick's on your team He's gonna play and you know, that means seven turnovers are going to happen in one game It's not just quarterbacks or receivers who've been injured either by week two in the NFL We've had 234 people get injured. That is more than ten starting lineups That is yeah, 15% of the NFL has been injured by week two You could if you gathered all those players together You could field an entire Canadian football league of just the people who are injured from playing NFL football in the NFL It is more useful to have your knee blown out than to continue playing football because it turns out 96% of NFL players Are susceptible to CTE from a recent study. Yeah based on the brains of deceased players They looked at we found that well We read that scientists found that 87 out of 91 former NFL player brains They looked at have signs of brain damage. Another terrifying component of this information is they actually tested brain damage going back all the way to high school football and Found that 79% of people who've ever played football from the high school level on are also susceptible to CTE injury Which right you don't have to get hit by Mike Singletary You can get hit by a guy who went to another high school as you or a guy you practiced with great Which means, you know my senior year being second string to a sophomore looking pretty cool.
Now. Yeah I recovered a fumble once I'm pretty big was literally the highlight of my entire family's career Offensive guard second string. What up ladies?
Here's a thing that everyone knows but nobody thinks about the NFL players get Contracts and then a portion of that contracted money is guaranteed when this league makes 12 billion dollars a year It's crazy. They can't afford to guarantee a contract Well, it's crazy that they get away with it. Yeah, that's ridiculous Yeah, it's a little bit like the hunger games and that boy if you win the hunger games You get a cool house Yeah, and you get to live in like the best part of your district and it'll be really great and you sure do not die Only that's not even true of the NFL either, right? And if you needed any other reason for it to be terrible for the NFL players Guess what this year the NFL is asking them to help finance building new stadiums The CBA makes it so every year players put part of the money They earn back into the league that they theoretically should have gotten money from to help build stadiums and revamp stadiums and things like that And then this year the NFL is like, okay. We already took that money from you We're gonna need like three hundred million more dollars to build a stadium in LA if you could do that, right? And a team that's maybe coming here And the argument is by you putting this money in you'll get money back right because the league's more profitable and then you'll get All this money back which is not how labor relations work in any other business in the world, right? Also, that sounds like an 1800s like like which doctor salesman would do it. Listen, man One hand greases the other you give me money for a stadium. I come back with you with more money You understand how this works, right?
Right? No mechanics were explained in it. Yeah, and snake oil was purchased that we know So I guess if you were being honest And you were making a power rankings based on actual power number one would always be the owners. Yeah every time Right. Yeah, but like I don't want that. I don't even know who they are Like I don't know that like they're literally I don't like people say names. I know the names of them I don't know what they look like Yeah, like I usually just when I hear about an owner I just picture Yosemite Sam getting to revolters a rassable demanding man who will stop at nothing ten gallon hat always wears the mask Yeah, solidly American out of his mind gigantic mustache. That would have been the chillest in 2005 That's what they all are like that's when owners peaked. He predicted that year.
Yeah Women real cool. This is fun though. That's fun That's a fun top of the power rankings is Yosemite Sam Firing its pistols off out of the air like that. What a great episode. This is this is this is the first step Yeah, we're this gotta be the pilot the other one you dreamed it you dreamed no See you varmints. Hey guys thanks for watching and if you like our channel and all the wonderful crack videos go ahead and subscribe and give us a like and In the comments if you want Feel free to ask us questions.
We definitely read them and definitely respond to him and like say if you want to know why One of us isn't Soren Please keep writing that that's a good. That's a good thing to ask. I have been wondering the same thing I don't know why I'm not a soren. I knew I knew Adam would be in this I figured the other guy would be More of a soren. I thought there'd be two swords Because it should be two swords. Yeah, and like different shirts |
TheOnion | animals_spread_disease_constantly_horrifying_planet_ep_7 | An otter takes an innocuous morning swim in search of food. Yet simply by moving, the otter spreads deadly viruses and plagues across the landscape. Indeed all animals, everywhere, spread disease anytime they do anything. Our planet is but a giant petri dish swirling with pathogens all mixed by the filthy stirring straw that is the world's fauna. This newborn zebra has only been in the world for a matter of minutes, but she is already plastered in germs. Simply by sitting on her eggs and breathing, this duck unleashes a torrent of avian botulism, cholera and duck plague into the air. These jousting elk slough off bits of skin and fur, sending millions of harmful bacteria into the air.
Our closest relative, the chimpanzee, is itself the fountainhead of AIDS. Bitter at the ascendancy of man, these scheming apes brood this deadly virus in their jungle lairs. Nowhere on Earth is safe from the threat of animals. Even in the bitter wasteland of the Antarctic, penguins walk for miles inland, ensuring their afflictions reach every corner of the globe. Biologically, animals are better seen as mobile amalgamations of disease rather than organisms in their own right. It is sad, but true, that a person who values their health must live atop an impenetrable stainless steel tower into which no animal can climb. But such is the reality of our horrifying planet.
Ready to give up and juicy dog out? We decided to play a sexy game as settlers of Catan until the repairman comes. |
SaturdayNightLive | white_house_tiktok_meeting_cold_open_snl | This week, as the war in Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country was shut off, leaving only one source of information, Tiktok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a National Security briefing with some of the nation's top Tiktok creators.
We take you now inside that historic meeting. thank you so much for coming and answering your nation's call on a time of need. Oh, yeah, sure. hey, no problem. I'm 12. but our schedules are super flexible. Yeah, and we love White House. Jason Derulo. I also want to thank my press secretary, Jen Psaki, for having the vision to set this up. I suggested it as a joke, and then it actually happened. People are saying this is a first war fought on Tiktok, which is tough for me because I'm the landline of presidents. that's why I need you, Okay? I understand Putin. I understand war.
But there's one thing I don't understand. computer. he means technology, But he says computer. Computer Very mean to me. computer always asks to run an update right when I turn computer on. whenever I type in malarkey. computers say, did you mean Magenta? The point is, we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media.
So, yeah, you. Hey, guys. I'm an actress from the Cw. great. what's your name? actress from the Cw.
And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there's something even more powerful we can attack him with. poems. Oh, no, it's that girl. Dear Vladimir Putin, if I was your mother, I would have loved you more. if I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. if I was your baby brother. thank you. thank you.
I think, yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions? Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. What's happening? do you see anything? I think she's expecting text to show up. All right. then you. what's your thing?
Oh, me? let's just say I do raps and pranks. maybe you've heard of my squad, the boo-boo boys? I think you know the President has never heard of the boo-boo boys. wait a second. the boo-boo boys? don't you live in the cringe house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry? uh-oh, we got a boo-boo head. y'all, y'all, one time they pranked a dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. it was hilarious. Well, that sounds like an amazing hobby. Yeah. we made $13 million last year. God, I hate this world. And did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin? Uh, yeah, I'm cooking something up. is it pushing him down a flight of stairs? it is.
All right, that's cool. what about you? Jason, do me a lie. yeah, I know that's your name. what do you do? Jason. okay, I'm skipping you. you're skipped. Jason. hey, how about you, little girl? you look incredibly cute. thanks.
I do silly animal makeup for kids. well, that's adorable. what do you think we could do to win this war? Oh, you mean the one started by your son, Hunter Biden? with his pals at Burisma? Where's the laptop? is he in this room? Okay, thank you. thank you, honey. you know, you don't expect the animal makeup girl to be alt-right. hey, who's this random middle-aged guy?
Oh, yeah. hello. my name is Charles F. D'amelio. I'm a roofer from Pittsburgh. Okay. why are you here? I don't know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charlie D'amelio, the 17-year-old girl with 130 million followers on the Tiktok. that sounds right.
So, I tell you what, I'm gonna head out, But first, y'all don't happen to have an extra one of those Covid Stimmy checks lying around, by any chance, do you? uh, free not. Yeah, we don't.
I'm sorry. all right, all right. Well, good luck with the World War, Not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but, uh, maybe you should put someone up on a roof and, uh, bing, bong, bam, bam, bam. y'all have a good one. All right. thank you, Mr. D'amelio. Yeah, all right. it's, um, it's down to you. what do you do?
Oh, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing, and I go, moo-nyang-ah. shoo-bop-ee-loo-nyang-ah? what would you do about Ukraine? um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go, moo-nyang-ah. shoo-bop-ee-loo-nyang-ah? how did you get here today? you flew me first class from California. And on the plane, I went up behind the pilot and said, moo-nyang-ah. shoo-bop-ee-loo-nyang-ah. that's actually the best plane I've heard so far. hang on. you haven't heard from me yet. sorry I'm late, guys. for some reason, security was giving me a hard time. Okay, this is awesome. who the heck are you? Oh, I'm just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on Tiktok, it's, like, me and Reese Witherspoon.
Well, we were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea. Hey, don't do that. don't just yank the plunger off the nipple like that.
You know, the idea of asking Tiktok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. But remember, they said the same thing about the radio in World War Ii. never underestimate the importance of new technology and how it reaches young people in ways you can never understand. Tiktok isn't some childish gimmick. it has more power and more influence than the nightly news. that was truly inspiring, young man.
Oh, I'm 55. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna move this plunger to my crotch, attach a knife at the end, and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America. and live from New York. |
cracked | mcdonald_s_commercials_cracked_responds | You guys, millennials have stopped going to McDonald's. What? It's an epidemic. Millennials are the first generation where McDonald's isn't even in the top 10. McDonald's did some market research and learned that millennials prefer food that offers customizable options, transparency, fare that's healthier, more sustainable, and altogether superior. That is how millennials talk.
Yeah, exactly. I'm always going on and on about sustainable fare. Yeah, you do. Their options were make your food better and healthier and the kind of food that millennials will like or trick them with a bunch of memes and bullshit. Yeah.
This is their commercial arch enemies about... Pac-Man? Enemies that become friends when they share McDonald's with each other.
There's no connection to anything at all. They're not doing McDonald's. He's just making a balloon of a dog and Batman goes, okay. Don't give fast food to your pets. Just don't do it.
It's Dorothy and the witch ride a broom together and someone takes a...
A selfie. Oh, take a selfie. Oh, because millennials are... Selfie. Millennials.
See, they already work in fast food, though, and we know that hasn't resolved their differences. Are trees and lumberjacks enemies? Well, he still had the axe, though, so I'm not sure. That feels like a fairly one-sided battle. I do think that McDonald's will solve the political divide. Freddy Krueger was always a threat to you and I and Jason was a threat to you and I and now they're joining forces.
Right. This is the only one that bodes poorly for all of us. Yeah. Bowser stole Mario's girlfriend thousands of times and I don't understand why Mario thinks he needs to be the one to make the move and bury the hatchet here. So this ad campaign is pro-domestic violence. Yes, that's what I'm saying.
Here's an ice cream cone signifying our friendship. Look at Gargamel's arms. It's gelatin for bones. It's why he needs those apples. Does apples give you bones?
Don't they? I'm pretty sure that's science. I think hearts are a symbol for death in this. Is that Taylor Swift? And a shark? Mm-hmm. Sitting on an elephant's feet. Taylor Swift and her natural enemy, the shark. Whomever put this ad together, I don't think knows enough about rock'em sock'em robots.
When the heads pop off, that means they lose. That's not like a victory decapitation. So they both kill each other. That looks like the preamble to a fistfight to me.
The clearest plea to millennials using Grumpy Cat because it's like, you kids meme, right? Yeah. Meme at McDonald's. It is telling that they end on Grumpy Cat. This cat that you respect. What are their other campaigns? So then they did this one during the Super Bowl where people exchange sexual favors for McDonald's? They force you to do something in the real world, to interact with another person. Right. Or they won't give you your food. You know what, for your payment today, do you have your cell phone with you? Yeah.
Dial up your mom, tell her your lover. He just wants no part of this. Call my mother. My mother's dead.
I would really rather just give you two dollars. Excuse me? He's so mad and suspicious immediately.
I called my mom and was like, hey, I just want to say I love you. And she could hear that I was in a McDonald's. She would think that was a cry for help. She would think that was the last time she was ever going to hear from me.
Tell me what you love about your son. I love... Oh, you love me, Mom?
Really? Then why are you fucking feeding me McDonald's? You know that it's bad for my health.
Dan, I can't quite hear you. Are people reluctantly dancing in the background?
Yeah, it's a whole thing. The other thing, millennials do. Oh, right. Right.
I can't hear you over all the empty gestures of jewelry going on back there. Pay with loving is the name of this campaign, and that just infuriates me as a millennial. They should really only do this late on weekend nights when drunk people are there.
It could get really, really cool to call your mom and tell her you love her. That sounds great. That's exactly what I want to do. It turns into a 45-minute conversation while everybody else is waiting in line of mind. Just keep calling more people to tell them that you love them. This is great. I should have done this years ago. Thank you, McDonald's. |
dropout | Which_Book_Should_Trigger_Our_Secret_Door | Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. What? Are you joking?
I'm not going to activate our rotating bookshelf to our torture dungeon with infinite freaking jest. I'm not a 23 year old sad boy. And you think I'll do it with a Murakami? I'm going down to torture Zach Oyama, not tell strangers about my study abroad trip to Barcelona.
We're so hungry. Help! What about a sketch about Trump? How about a classic? Something we can both get behind. Sherlock Holmes. Who on the nose? Might as well label it Pulmi.
So I guess that just rules out the secret, Harry Potter in the Chamber of Secrets, and open Andre Agassi's autobiography. What about the Holy Bible?
No, people think there's a religious sex cult down there. Why does there have to be a sex cult?
What about this Chrissy Seakin cookbook? That'll be pulled immediately for her delicious Tuscan chicken stew recipe. How about my diary?
Reddit snoozefest. Oh, and Draven, I just like you as a friend. I'm sorry. I know, I'm talking about a different Ozul.
It doesn't have to be a book. What about an object? How about this candelabra? That is so generic. What's next? You gonna tell me you want to hide the secret entrance behind a big painting of Saturn devouring his sun? No. Brad! What if Google Earth was a guy? Shut up! That is so basic. You know what it should be?
This sign that says live, love, laugh. Because the chasms are alive down there, we love torturing them, and we laugh when they scream.
Huh? My mom has one just like that in her breakfast nook. I love it. Your mother has great taste.
No, you nitwit! I'm not triggering our secret passage with something from a craft store.
How about a password? A password?
Yeah, that sounds good. Open in French. Ouvreux. What about the phrase, alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems?
It's not my favorite shirt. It's the secret tunnel to a dungeon, not the boardwalk.
What about a bus of someone really cool? Like who? David Foster Wallace?
You pathetic loser! Screw you! I'll eat another one of your children! Oh, I'll have two of yours! I'll kill you in your sleep!
Open? Andre Agassi Auto Bio? Sign me up! Help us!
Ah, it's so dark! They made me as the White House! Man, I can't believe it opened up another secret passageway. Awaken my steel!
We'll be back in a whole week sooner. So chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and get exclusive content like Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? Sign up for your free trial today.
Unless you hate fun, which if you do, come to my party on Saturday. It won't be fun at all! |
dropout | bicoastal_time_zone_lesson | Hello, I'm Raphael, and this is my friend Cuddles. Hello!
Cuddles and I live on opposite coasts, and we're here to teach you about time zones. What's a time zone, Raphael? A time zone is a region that adheres to a uniform standard time. The contiguous U.S. has four time zones.
Wow, that's so cool! That means if it's 8 a.m. where you live in New York, then it's 5 a.m. where I live in L.A. And don't fucking text me. Wait, Cuddles is confused. You shouldn't be. It's pretty goddamn easy.
Let's say you're up cooking breakfast, and your toast looks a little like Abraham Lincoln. The 60th president!
Don't fucking text me. That's not the graphic I ordered. I'm not. I just can't.
It's a children's job. You want to work, right? You like having a job?
Even if you thought you saw me at a coffee shop, but then realized it couldn't have been me because I don't fucking live there. Don't fucking text me. Cuddles isn't having fun anymore.
Oh no! I bet a song would cheer you up. Yay!
When you want to talk, look at the clock and read it right. Mess up this step, you better bet that we will fight. This is the music to help you learn. Because seriously, you will catch these hands.
I don't want to take it there, because I'm a peaceful dude, but I am not the one. Don't try me.
Well, now the clock! Yay! I'll move the hands on the clock, and you tell me what time it is. It's 9 o'clock! Yes! Now, if it's 9 a.m. on the east coast, what time is it on the west coast?
Oh, Cuddles didn't think of that. I know you didn't, you selfish piece of shit.
Oh, I know, I know, it's 6 o'clock! Oh, I'm sorry, the answer I was looking for is still too fucking early. But what about daylight saving? Doesn't fucking matter, Cuddles. I mean, what is it, a daylight saving? Right, so daylight saving has something to do with farming or some shit.
No, it doesn't. The point is, don't fucking text me at 5 in the fucking morning. But Cuddles heard that Arizona doesn't even have daylight saving. You don't live in Arizona, Mom!
Uh, Cuddles, and I will put you on Do Not Disturb. If Cuddles can't text you, what should he do instead? Oh, kill yourself, and I mean that. Uh, just kidding. Put it in an email, that way it's less disruptive, and I can get to it in my own time. But what if Cuddles misses you so much that he cannot wait for a response?
I knew you were going to pull this shit. Oh, I know, I know, I'll call you! Fun fact, if you've ever called my cell phone, I hope your kids never learn to read.
Is there ever a reason to text you at 5 a.m.? I'm glad you asked, Cuddles. Now, if it's 5 in the cocksucking morning, ask yourself two questions. One, am I being murdered? And two, is there anything Raphael can do about it? If the answer to either of those questions is no, don't fucking text me! So does this mean that when you call your parents, it's 7 p.m. for you, and they're older and they just want to go to bed, that it is 10 p.m. for them? Okay, this isn't about me. I had to do the same thing. |
Wizards_with_Guns | every_comedy_from_the_early_2000_s | It was always David's dream to be a lawyer. I'm thinking about applying to law school.
But his stoner friend Kyler had other plans. Is that my college application? I thought it was rolling paper. Is that my dog? Two best buds.
I'm going to miss this, man. But you're coming to Fushigi Fest, right? We go every year. Pants, man. I got the big exam. But girls are going to be there. What if they show us their jahoos? I just can't keep doing this forever. I want to be a lawyer forever. To you, life is one big summer. Go long! But to me, it's one big book.
Huh? Sparky? You kidnapped me?
I did it for your own good. What happens when you take a lazy prankster? Four! And a no-nonsense bookworm. I want my tombstone to say I had a job. And put them in the ocean. A tale about true friendship. With some wacky speed bumps along the way.
Help! Help us! We're alone!
But no one could prepare them for an ice cream man. Those stoners stole my ice cream.
Who will stop at nothing in the middle of the ocean. This summer, hold on to your hats. Prepare to laugh your socks off. I want to die, but I don't want to drown. This Christmas.
To you, life is one big summer, but for me, it's one big book. I thought it was rolling paper. Tasted like printer ink. |
cracked | 4_things_science_says_can_kill_you_in_the_next_minute | Life, it's a precious gift that can be snatched away from you for almost no reason at any second. That's right, the universe has innumerable methods of dispensing instant death. One of the smallest are these little fellas, naglieria fowleri. But their friends just call them brain parasites that live in tap water. They reach your brain through nasal nerves and multiply with staggering speed. The symptoms are just like a common cold, so you might not even notice that they're following your brain from the inside out. Don't worry about your immune system, these guys boast a 98% mortality rate. In fact, don't worry about anything, because the part of your brain that allows one to worry has been hollowed out. But that's just one person. The universe can do better.
A supervolcano is what happens when magma rises to the earth's crust and can't find a place to break through. Like a zit you don't pop, causing your whole head to explode and puss. A supervolcano eruption can clog cars and power plants with hundreds of tons of ash and spew enough magma to cover the state of Colorado and lava ten feet thick. And as luck would have it, there's a supervolcano right under Yellowstone Park. It's been known to erupt every 600,000 years, and at this point we're about 40,000 years overdue.
Tick tock, humanity. But one measly continent, the unrepentant serial killer we call home, can do better. Sometimes if a dying star is collapsing into a black hole or ate too much Mexican food, they'll expel massive amounts of energy out both ends in the form of a gamma ray burst. Any planet in the line of fire gets the full-on vaporization treatment. It's a little like drowning in star diarrhea. But annihilating a planet is business as usual for our dangerous universe, the only truly immortal thing in, well, the universe. Forever shall it stand as a reminder of the preciousness of the- Anyway, as I was saying, scientists have recently theorized that the Higgs boson, one of the smallest known objects in existence, could be responsible for inherent universal instability that might one day cause our universe to be swallowed and destroyed by another universe at the speed of light. We'd never even know what hit us. Isn't it reassuring to know that everything you've ever known can be banished from existence in the blink of an eye?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and we'll see you in the next video. Bye bye. |
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