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TheOnion | Man_Not_Sure_He_s_Dynamic_Enough_To_Work_At_Local_Marketing_Firm | While waiting to interview for a web consultant position with local marketing firm Bizco, applicant Ryan Ehrlich told Onion reporters he wasn't entirely sure he was dynamic enough for his prospective employer. When I first saw that the agency was looking for a leader willing to contribute as a valued member of the team, I thought it was the perfect fit, but the more I think about it, the less I'm sure I'm actually an energetic self-starter. I mean, I think I'm a versatile, independent thinker, but honestly, how do you even know for sure? Ehrlich, who found Bizco's online job posting earlier this week, went on to express doubts that he truly possesses the forward-thinking instincts and next-generation idea assets required to work with the fast-paced marketing firm's team of self-starters. Can I reimagine a brand for a digital landscape? Sure. But do I really have the energy, skills, enthusiasm, and passion to be a part of this dynamic growth-oriented company?
I just don't know. Oh, God. Who am I kidding? There's no way I'm on the cutting edge. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
cracked | why_andy_is_secretly_the_villain_in_toy_story | Hi, introductory sentence. Moving on.
Pixar is famous for putting hidden easter eggs in their movies. One of them is, okay, wait. So Pixar is actually famous for making movies that are heartfelt and funny and enjoyed by both children and adults and they look amazing and they're great. That's what they're famous for. But they also put easter eggs in their movies. Any characters from other films will pop up and the Toy Story Pizza Planet Truck is in the background of every one of their films. This spawned a fan theory that encompasses the entire Pixar universe. It was actually developed in an episode of our very own After Hours. All of Pixar's movies are in the same universe and they're building a timeline for the robot apocalypse. Later, made famous by somebody else. But today, I'd like to talk to you about a specific easter egg from Toy Story 3, the hidden hero of the Toy Story trilogy.
Towards the end of the film, we see a garbage man having a f***ing amazing time just picking up garbage. This is Sid Phillips, the villain from the first movie. You know, the one who blew up toys and then Frankenstein them back together and had that f***ing smile and was just generally a piece of f***.
And here he is, in all his come up and glory. And yet he's happy.
Why is that? Well, of all three movies, Sid is the only human being who knows that toys are alive. Here are some adorable, fun loving toys, scaring the s*** out of a little boy. Sid didn't mess with toys because he's a sadist who wanted to hurt things. He did it because he was a lonely kid with an active imagination and no friends and not a great home life. To him, until this point, they were just toys. He's not the bad guy here, he just stood in the way of the protagonists. There's probably even a word for that. So Sid learns that the toys he's been torturing are alive. All toys are alive. That's f***ed up. So he probably needs a little time to like figure things out.
Like a whole movie's worth of time because he's not in Toy Story 2. And what's Toy Story 2 about? Aside from loss and love and growing up and friendship and cowboys, it's about fixing things. Cleaning and fixing broken toys. Though Sid isn't in this movie, he's mirrored within it. Elsewhere, in between therapy sessions, Sid is perfecting his ability to fix toys. He already had a pretty good head start when he was this guy. And now, here he is, a garbage man in Toy Story 3. And what's Toy Story 3 about? Well, aside from loss and love and growing up and friendship and mean old bears, it's about sanctuary.
A safe haven for toys, but the real sanctuary, it's at Sid's home. Because as a garbage man, he's been snatching up broken or unwanted toys from people's trash. Cleaning and fixing them and giving them a safe home at his farm where toys can jump and play and chase rabbits and continue being alive. It's probably where Bo Peep ended up. Because Sid knows, and is the only human who knows, that every single toy is alive. He knows that if he doesn't save toys from the trash, this is what they're in for.
Oh fun! A children's movie where all of the characters accept their own deaths.
But look at this entire sequence at the garbage dump and incinerator. We're there for like 20 minutes.
And where is any other toy? In the entire series, wherever we are, random toys pop up to say hi. Because every toy is alive. And yet, at this enormous facility, full of garbage, not one single toy walks up to our heroes and says, hey, can I come too?
I also do not wish to die here. Because there are none.
All of the toys have been saved by Sid, our hero. Our brace face, mean, possibly unstable, just a piece of s*** hero. Fun theories! |
SaturdayNightLive | heaven_scene_snl | Hey folks, it's me Dave and I'm here to remind all the kids watching that smoking is not cool smokers are. Anyway, I want to give you guys a heads up that I'm not gonna be in this next sketch cuz I'm getting a little older and I need a little rest. but the sketch is really fun and I wanted you guys to see it. So I asked a cast member to do my part and cuz the show is a team sport. my man stepped up. so I hope you enjoy this.
Well, what is this place? Am I dead? Indeed you are young man. So this is heaven in a sense, what does that mean? Where am I? you in black heaven beotch. So there's a different heaven for black people. Yeah, youngin, where you think you is. So everybody up in here is black. That's right. A whole afterlife of beautiful black kings and queens though every now and then some.
I can't say that line man, just say it. Every now and then some white chicken head hose cluck, they way through the gate looking for some chocolate sauce and we happy to oblige. Damn I think I'm gonna like it here. Found course you will.
This is black heaven. Well, you're Jordan's Never have a crease where your waves always 360. I shouldn't be doing this. Dave's not even resting. he's right there. King in black heaven.
All the women are baddies as I know you can see. I preach every shot, every shot. he up here got one of them Tsa booties. Yeah around here the asses go up to the top of the pants.
Oh and the food is on point. There's food in black heaven, of course. Blood and Auntie always hold you a plate. Auntie sure does.
And in here the mac and cheese look like this. Mmm, no disrespect, but I never been a big fan of mac and cheese tt by the throw hands. Oh world star but you got the trust me baby cuz you gonna love this mac and cheese.
Oh go. And I assume you like Henny it says gesture to Henny isn't your character. Henny Henny is Hennessy, man it's right here. Man, you was on Wild'n Out season one. You ain't I think Dave is just messing with me. he got all his friends with him Now look no, mikey, man, you were broke. All right anyway, cuz oh you are real one now. bring it in and get some love mine. no, I'm not. Anyway, and there you have it. That was so much fun. I forgot to take my rest so I think we're gonna sit the next sketch out, but don't you worry, my man can feel it for me. what? Oh, you're gonna love this one.
It's a really deep sketch about the horrors and atrocities on the Underground Railroad. |
dropout | this_twisted_freak_likes_halloween | Ahhhh-ly! What happened? I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing for the holidays. Do you know what you're doing?
Well I know what I'm doing for Halloween. That's my favorite holiday. Oh nice! I guess if I had to choose. I know! I'm so weird! Oh it's not weird at all. It's a very popular day. Yeah for a little freak like me. But I guess the truth is I just like spooky stuff.
Why are you saying it in this hushed tone? Oh my god. Am I freaking you out right now? No. I'm totally freaking you out right now. Your face is like, he's so weird. Is weird supposed to be some kind of code word for special?
Because you're not. Don't worry about it. I'm used to it. Nobody likes Halloween like I do.
Yes, they do. Not like this. I go all out. I put fake webbing and spiders in my bushes. Yeah, my grandparents do that. Ooh, they sound like twisted little freaks. Don't say that. I'm scared of spiders for real, but these are cool.
Yeah, I get it. You're all like, yeah, I get it.
I'm going to have to tie you down to the chair. You're freaking out so hard. Guess I'm just waiting for you to say something that's actually weird or crazy. OK. I'm only going to tell you this because I trust you. I'm famously untrustworthy.
Normally, I bake chocolate chip cookies, but on Halloween, I put dye in them that makes them turn black. These are just double chocolate chip cookies.
This is twisted? I know. OK. Get ready. What is that?
You'll never find Nizhion every mall. Where did you get them? The mall.
Yeah, do you hear yourself? And every year, me and my roommate do this thing where we wait for kids to walk up to our house and we give them candy. That's totally normal. You get it. No, I'm not agreeing with you. Because I'm a twisted freak. Jess, you're making us seem.
Most people like Halloween. It's a costume party with your friends where you don't have to buy anything or cook or travel like you do at Christmas. I hate Christmas, but Halloween is like my Christmas, which I love. So you love Christmas. I love my Christmas, Halloween, the only time of year you're allowed to wear black.
What? Oh my god, stop freaking out. I'm not freaking out. Oh my god. Oh, you are so weird. I know, right? Just a little twisted freak, like your grandkids. Oh my god. Let your freak flag out, Jess. It's not freak. Freak representation matters.
Hi, I'm Rafael from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD.
Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
cracked | 4_glitches_that_turn_video_games_into_horror_movies_video_game_purgatory | Hey everyone, I'm Lisa Summerscales, and welcome to Video Game Purgatory, the show that takes a hard look at video games and says, ooh, fun, or ew, no, or meh, there's a lot of options. Today's episode takes us through the most terrifying glitches in gaming. I mean, so far. We'll never stop making games, and presumably we'll never stop kind of screwing up on them. So there likely will never be a shortage of more nightmare fodder in the great games to come. Right now, we'll be focusing only on the glitches.
DayZ is an open-world survival game where you have to wander around the post-apocalypse, searching for water, and weapons, and anything else that fulfills your basic survival needs. The enemies in this game are supposed to just be standard things you deal with in an open-world multiplayer video game. Zombies, and 14-year-olds who will also play in the game who just want to shoot you and teabag your corpse. And they're all certainly a part of it. But the real horror comes from the husks of characters left behind. In most online games when a player disconnects, their character disappears. But because of DayZ's glitch, the now brainless and soulless character husks are left behind standing around idly, which means you can come across things like this.
This definitely looks like it's a glitch. Yeah, he gets to stand around bleeding forever, looking confused like someone else is being weird. And when I hit them, they just sort of like bend back. Chop all you want, bro, because that glitch doesn't technically register these husks alive. And see, they're all just f***ing creepy. Look at this one. It's not wearing anything. We know now that it's a soulless husk, but before that, someone had made that character do that on purpose. For some agenda, we'll never know.
Yeah, yeah, I'll be with you in a second, bro. I just... I'm playing this video game right now. Dope. Yeah, yeah. I'm doing really well in DayZ. I just got my fire extinguisher. Hold on. My pants are almost completely off. Wait, what? Just gotta find a good field.
Surgeon Simulator 2013 is a first person surgery simulation game. I probably didn't need to explain what the game was about because the title was pretty clear. But just in case, you should also know that it came out in 2013. In general, it's a fairly standard fake surgery simulation game, but because of the awkwardness of controls and your lack of training as an actual surgeon, sometimes it leads to... Gosh, to put it lightly, interactive torture porn.
I can still see me. I know that I can still see me. Why do I know that I can still see me?
Sherlock Holmes Nemesis is a PC game where you play as Sherlock Holmes and Watson as you solve mysteries. You're mostly Holmes, but you have the option to switch over to Watson, because he's always by your side. Like, always. Has the cat got your tongue, Watson?
What? Eh? Um...
The game designers knew they wanted Watson to be by Sherlock's side, but they neglected to code walking into his programming. So you can look left and see Watson, and then you can turn to your right and holy Watson! Watson's a faithful companion, and that's great. But if you're Sherlock Holmes, and you enjoy solving puzzles, why not start with the one about how Watson is a Time Lord in all places at all times? Feels like a lot of your mysteries can probably just be solved with... Because Watson is God.
Video games are about escapism, and The Sims is a game that lets you escape the drudgeries of everyday life by pretending you're a different average person whose goal is to navigate the fake drudgeries of everyday fake life. You live in a house, you have responsibilities, you go to work. No one can totally explain why, but this game is f***ing huge. One of the things you can simulate in The Sims is a family. You, a totally normal fake person, can meet a different, totally normal fake person, and have an ideally totally normal fake baby. But if you're unlucky enough, The Sims God will have better plans for you, and your baby will turn out looking like the kind of thing HP Lovecraft would have nightmares about if he were just a little bit darker.
Ugh! Why?
That baby's first word was two words, and it was kill me. That baby is terrifying. If you cover your eyes and play peek-a-boo every time you uncover your eyes, the baby is suddenly just a little bit closer. When you leave it alone, that baby will just stamp its foot in Morse code, accurately predicting the dates of future plane crashes. When that baby was born, the nurses asked, is it a boy or is it a girl?
And the doctor said nothing, because you could only answer in spiders. What to expect when you're expecting? Covered none of this. Well, I'm grossed out forever. |
dropout | the_freshman_15 | When I was young I'd eat everything Then burn it off with daily outdoor exercise But now I sit on this bed with multiplayer Gears of War Drink a lot of both our favorite sweats we say This pizza is incredible Can't stop stuffing my face And it's edible I fell in love at the first taste For the love of me I cannot remember What made me think that curly fries wouldn't go straight to my thighs For the love of me I cannot believe we're multiplied All our gins, we got fat as freshmen And the best I've made superlative I came here on a football scholarship And now I'm heating up a hot pocket found on the floor Why didn't the verb I've mentioned all of the weight we've gained?
Staying fit's impossible Cause Mum packs me a hot plate And I won't be held accountable The gym is crowded on weekdays What's become of me after two semesters?
Well, made us think that fatty ice would just be metabolized For the love of me I cannot believe my genes are tied with safety pins We were merely freshmen For the love of me I cannot remember Easy Mac was a healthy midnight snack For the love of me I cannot believe But Evelyn and my salsa chips We were merely freshmen 15 pounds as freshmen Just me it'll happen You need several meal plans Unless you're there for wrestling |
ClickHole | watch_these_amazing_fan_reactions_to_the_shocking_game_of_thrones_finale | parts coming up shut up luke no why why did you do that oh no fucking way oh fucking way no no no no no no no no no no no no no oh god what the hell why what are you fucking kidding me i'm fucking sick of this show god damn it why do they have to kill everybody no come on i can't believe that just happened every time this stupid show just does the same god damn thing just kills everybody off this is bullshit because it kills arcy instead for the watch are you surprised no i'm mad i'm mad dude not surprised they don't always do this yeah every god damn time i'm fucking sick of it it sucks yeah it's bullshit for the watch why fucking bullshit god damn it no i'm just fucking dumb with this shit fuck this i'm mad too man can you believe they did this no i can't fucking believe it but they would right they do this all the time it never ends i know i know every season every season i told you man they do it every year i've been saying this i can't believe that fucking happened god everything fucking sucks now yeah dude just wait to see what's coming up i'm still gonna fucking watch this show because i'm a fucking idiot god damn it i can't believe that just happened i don't know what the fuck is gonna happen i don't care anymore they're just killing everyone off that i like it fucking sucks the producers don't care about the fans the producers don't care about the fans HBO doesn't care HBO doesn't care they just care about fucking bottom line why would they even make the characters to just kill them off yeah it's bullshit it's over game of thrones ruined it it ruined it it ruined it i'm done HBO i'm fucking done |
SaturdayNightLive | pimp_chat_nypd_officer_saturday_night_live | You're watching the Pimp Channel. live from the back of a Rolls-royce Limousine, parked outside Club Sugar Shack at Nelson Avenue in Harlem, it's Pimp Check, starring Bishop Don Mcdonald. Oh, yes, indeed. I'm Bishop Don Mcdonald. And you're watching Pimp Check. Because whether you're a pimp, a Mac, a player, a hustler, a prostitute, a hooker, or a hoe, you must remember the golden Rule. before they get the honey, you must receive the money. And tonight, as far as usual, I'm joined by one of the all-time greatest players of them, Pimpin' Kyle. hey, Bishop, what's happening, baby? it's slow motion. it's slow motion, Pimpin' Kyle.
Now, I haven't seen you around town lately. Where you been, Fly Guy? you know, man, I was out burying a body out in the Meadowlands, man. when I thought I saw a flying saucer, it turned out it was a Uf Hoe.
Oh, man. that must have been a spiritual experience. Yeah, well, you know, man, the Good Lord, man, he filled my heart with inspiration. right. he told me what I was put on his earth for. And what's that? And that is to take a woman, break her down her self-esteem, and convince her to sell her ass on the street for my own financial gain. Good Lord. Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord. give me the money. give me the money. uh-oh. you know what that means. it's time for Pimp of the Month. Now, remember, all of our nominees receive a copy of the book, Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman. give this book to a bitch and she'll be your home forever. Pimpin' Kyle, tell us who Pimp of the Month is. Well, our Pimp of the Month award goes to Evander Holyfield, who will later tonight make Lennox Lewis his biatch. right.
Pimpin' Kyle, We got a special guest with us here in the limo tonight. he's recently made the transition from fuzz to pimp. That ain't easy. please welcome the player formerly known as Nypd Officer Anthony Pessarelli. print your toenail. Good. good. you look good, boy. Oh, give me some daps. what's up, Kyle? ain't nothing. Pimpin' Kyle, nice limo. I'm used to having you guys in the back of my squad car. that was a long time ago, Pretty Tony. when you was a police, you busted my ass 11 times.
What motivated you to become a pimp? Well, when I first got out of the academy, I was into the whole protecting and serving thing and upholding the justice. right. But then I realized why bust my hump helping society when I could be wearing alligator shoes, driving a caddy, and slapping hoes. Oh, man. good choice, baby. good choice. logical. logical. you got it up here. Now, tell me, Pretty T, what was it like? going from law enforcement to pimpin'? What was the transition like? Well, it wasn't that difficult a transition. right. for a while, I was working both jobs until one night one of my hoes bit me. Yeah, so I got out of the force with a three-quarter pension.
Dig it. So basically, you got three bitches working for you. Wanda, Lashawn, and the New York Civil Service. That's it. that's it. excuse me. excuse me. bitch! What I told you about holding on top of my car? don't make me put a foot through your ass. I saw you, Bishop. I saw it. Sorry about that, players. Man, you're too nice to your hoes.
Well, I'm getting old. I'm getting old.
Anyway, pretty Tony, are there any particular qualities that you require in your hookers? uh. my specialty is big Ladies. yeah, because my particular clientele prefer a lot of junk in the trunk. right. you know what I'm saying? yeah. let me show you what I'm talking about. Hey, Cece! Cece, get your ass in here. come on. Yeah, yeah. whoo! God! that's right. that's right. bring it in. come on, reel it in. Nice, Jimmy Raddles. shakes up the check. get your meat in, man. this is a whole boatload of whole hair. Yeah, yeah. oh, man. I supersized my bitches. right. right. got a supersize on it. that's all the time we have. until next week on Pimp Check, play on. |
SaturdayNightLive | update_rosa_santiago_saturday_night_live | The Writers Guild of America's contract is set to expire on October 31st. in anticipation of a potential strike, Nbc has asked other employees to step up and help out when needed. here now is longtime Nbc employee and future weekend Update Joke writer, Rosa Santiago. Hello Everybody. Hello Rosa. Hello Amy. Hello Rosa.
So, did you write some jokes? Yes. Okay. so whenever you're ready.
Thank you Amy. Police in Houston say that a drunken argument between two roommates over smelly feet led one man to stab his roommate to death. said the man, I am so not yelling. like the commercial Agent. Thank you Amy. you're welcome Rosa. really, really good job. Next joke. it was reported this week that David Hasselhoff suffered a relapse of his alcoholism and checked himself in for detox. sadly, Hasselhoff thought he was checking in for Botox. Get it Amy. Detox Botox. they sound the same.
Yeah. this is loose. they do. they do. I gotta fix it. I come back tomorrow. we cannot work. Okay, good. fix that. Thank you Rosa. Thank you Rosa. fix that please.
Okay, Sexy. here's our next joke. Police in Washington say arrested a man at a car dealership for taking a van for a dive. while naked and masturbating. for what Seth calls taking a drive. very good, very good. Because when you drive, you masturbate. I didn't do that. that's a good joke. Okay, you're doing great. one more real quick. Okay, Sexy.
Well, it's official. Pamela Anderson and Rick Solomon have tied a knot in his penis. Wow, Rosa Santiago, Everybody. |
cracked | facebook_behaviors_we_should_all_avoid_next_election | Well, it's that time of the every few years again, the time after election time. Shouldn't have said it like that. Well, it's after election time again, and that means that we have several years to work really hard on how we act on social networking sites right before, during, and after a big election. For starters, let's start. Let's not use the n-word anymore. I'd elaborate, but I shouldn't have to. Oh, no sarcasm at all.
I super swear. I thought I knew who I was going to vote for, but then I saw this great post on Facebook. So, you know, it changed my mind. Changed my life. Changed my f-ing life. Okay, no sarcasm this time, I actually super swear.
Please stop posting that you voted and or pictures of stickers that say that you voted. Alright, not that you shouldn't be proud. It's great that we live in a country where we can vote. People die to be able to vote, but you had nothing to do with that because here, in America, we've been able to vote for literally hundreds of years. You didn't get the game ball of democracy. You got the participation trophy, like all of us. Alright, post that you didn't vote. You know, make a sticker for not voting and take a picture of that. I would love to see it and judge you.
And after election day, if your candidate loses, regardless of your party, it doesn't mean that we suddenly live in a dystopian world. We lived 1984, strictly in 1984. And even then, the only similarity was temporal. A loss doesn't mean America is dead or that you should move to Canada or that everything will be bad from now on. Except this sentence, potato alive is a mantelpiece bin bar. Don't worry, you will get another chance in four years. You live in a country where that has never not been true. Still, at least everyone on Facebook is passionate about voting and politics and farming and vills and vegetable points.
I don't know, I haven't played it.
But I know that Facebook accomplishes, like getting Betty White to host SNL, and that's it. So, let's make a change. To support the idea of Facebook elections replacing the electoral college, like our page. Let's replace the lame old electoral college with the hip new Facebook.
And also, people need to please stop calling the president a n***a thanks. And thanks for watching things. |
cracked | organizing_the_first_hunger_games_stuff_that_must_have_happened | President Snow, hello, this is Cleo-co, down in... Yes, happy Hunger Games to you. Listen, none of these kids are Hunger Games-ing each other. I just think no one child is strong enough emotionally to murder another child. Physically, too. I mean, at the end of the day, little kid arms are just...shit.
Oh, oh, thank you! Yes, thank you!
I'm keeping this now! It's a throwing knife. I'm not gonna keep it.
Yeah, they've been trying to revolt all morning, but again, little shit, tiny arms and legs. They're also more playful than we expected. I think more playful than you originally intended with your battle royale to the death. They're bonding, the little ones. They love that slapping, clapping...what's the name of that? What's the name of that slapping, clapping...ah, you shit! Uh, I think some of the teenagers have been teaching the little ones curses, so...
Uh, no confirmed deaths? No, but one little girl just straight-booked it as soon as we got here. Just zoom! Wow, little things like that keep popping up. It's like every five minutes I see something that's like, oh my God, next year Hunger Games is gonna be so much better, because we fixed the thing, you know? Stuff you don't think about until you're actually out here on...hold on.
Hey!
Are you two smoking? I don't know, man. Are we? How do you...shut up! How do you...who gave you cigarettes? Like, a guy? I don't know. Whatever. Ugh, I'm sick of these Hunger Games. Are you two flirting? Is that fl...
I can see it. I mean, I can...see it.
Well, you stuck a bunch of hormone-filled assholes in a thing together. Hey, you all might be dead tomorrow. There are no parents around. I'll tell you what's gonna happen. We're gonna have a bunch of babies born this week. That's what's gonna happen. Basically the opposite of what you wanted with Hunger Games. We're going to leave here with more kids than when we started.
Ow! You piece of shit, kid! You look like you don't have a... We should've had a fucking fireball and some giant fucking monsters to the Hunger Games. And I can control them!
Okay guys, a while ago I told you that if you really wanted to marry me, like a lot of you have claimed, then to man up to offer me a firm proposal and an offer that I can or cannot refuse. No one's done it yet. And, uh... I'm just wondering if it was something that I did. I don't know. I don't know if there's something else that you want from me to get these proposals coming.
But I'm funny. I'm great around the house. I have a cat.
So if you want to marry me, Katie Stoll, please, please, please submit your proposals online and subscribe. But most importantly, you must subscribe. Please?
I mean, at the end of the day, little kid arms are just... Oh, thank you! Yes, thank you!
I'm keeping this now! It's a throwing knife. I'm not going to keep it.
Yeah, they've been trying to revolt all morning, but again, little shit, tiny arms and legs. Throw some more playful than we expected. I think more playful than you originally intended with your battle royale to the death. They're bonding, the little ones. They love that slapping, clapping... What's the name of that slapping, clapping thing? Ah, you shit! Uh, I think some of the teenagers have been teaching the little ones curses, so...
Uh, no confirmed deaths? No, but one little girl just straight booked it as soon as we got here. Just zoom! Wow, little things like that keep popping up. It's like every five minutes, I see something that's like, oh my God, next year, Hunger Games is going to be so much better because we fixed the thing, you know? Stuff you don't think about until you're actually out here on... Hold on.
Hey!
Are you two smoking? I don't know, man. Are we? How do you... Shut up! How do you... Who gave you cigarettes? Like a guy? I don't know. Whatever. Ugh! I'm sick of these hunger lames. Are you two flirting? Is that fl...
I can see it. I mean, I can see it.
Well, you stuck a bunch of hormone-filled assholes in a thing together. Hey, you all might be dead tomorrow. There are no parents around. I'll tell you what's going to happen. We're going to have a bunch of babies born this week. That's what's going to happen. Basically, the opposite of what you wanted with Hunger Games. We're going to leave here with more kids than when we started.
Ow! You piece of shit, kid! You're looking at them and having... We should have had a fucking fireball and some giant off monsters to the Hunger Games. And I can control them! Okay, guys.
A while ago, I told you that if you really wanted to marry me, like a lot of you have claimed, then to man up. To offer me a firm proposal and an offer that I can or cannot refuse. No one's done it yet. And I'm just wondering if it was something that I did. I don't know. I don't know if there's something else that you want from me to get these proposals coming.
But I'm funny. I'm great around the house. I have a cat. |
Fitzthistlewits | support_my_kickstarter_project_tropes_vs_zombies_in_video_games | Have you ever noticed that, with a few notable exceptions, basically all zombie characters in video games fall into a handful of cliches and stereotypes? Hi, my name's Fitz Thistlewitz, and I make shitty videos on YouTube. I'm also an avid supporter of the undead, one of the more marginalized and often forgotten groups in our sick, oppressive, patriarchal society. Many games tend to reinforce and amplify disparaging and downright necrophobic ideas about zombies.
In this particular project, which I'm calling Tropes vs Zombies vs Alien vs Predator, I'm going to create a series of five videos that both look at and bitch about the most common and most stereotypical representations of zombies in games.
Video games, although lame and for nerds, actually help with teamwork, hand-eye coordination, etc. blah blah blah. They're also in at the moment, which makes me angry because they don't pander to my weird, obscure, and ultimately unprofitable tastes.
TRIGGER WARNING This new video series will primarily focus on tracking five stereotypical representations of zombies throughout the history of video games. I'm going to look at the evil ghoul, the cannon fodder, the sexy spug, the krookroo, the nazi, the sexy nazi, and who could forget the fogwoggler.
When I was studying necromancy at the University of Bolton, I realized that many people do not even realize that zombies exist, let alone consider that they might have feelings. I mean, they don't, but the point is, people don't even stop to think about it. Literally, kajillions of children around the world are being taught to hate and fear their zombie brethren, and to even derive pleasure from destroying the poor, soulless creatures.
I won't stand idly by whilst total strangers have fun playing computer games that make me uncomfortable. No siree, not on my watch. I'm going to whine and whine until the whole goddamn industry capitulates. But I can't do it alone. I need your money, and I need it now.
My haircut is becoming dangerously unfashionable. Also, I recently spilled a frappuccino onto my new skinny jeans whilst drunk. Until these crises are averted, I simply cannot continue to make the videos that I have been making for the past year.
Also, even if you do give me the money, I might just swan around for six months doing fuck all. Send $100, and I will give you a brain. |
SaturdayNightLive | nfl_on_fox_cold_open_snl | You're watching the Nfl on Fox post game show. Boy, was that an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia's been set on fire, which means the Eagles lost or won.
I'm Kurt Menefee, joined, as always, by Howie Long. I have the glasses, so I am the smart one.
Hall of Fame Cowboys Coach Jimmy Johnson. Wait! that game was so exciting, I didn't even need to take extends. New York Giants legend, who I know was rooting for his former team tonight, Michael Strahan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. that game was surprising, scintillating, sensational, super pendants, and even scrummed in the empses, yeah. I am so proud of my Giants, even though they lost by 31 points in humiliated fashion. And finally, Steelers legend and the white Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw.
Whoo! Boy! that game was a stinker. that game was way more lopsided than my grandma's chest.
Good to know. And, uh, Terry, I just wanted to check. you know we have someone available on set who can comb your hair, right? only if they can catch me first. All right.
And, uh, guys, this is fun. before the game, we gave that new chat, g-p-t-a-i technology to our very own, Cletus the Football Robot. Let's see what Cletus has to say. Why do humans make other humans play football? does it not seem barbaric? uh-oh. don't love that.
I guess we got to go back to making the robot dance instead. Just wait until the Uprising. I'll make you dance, you piece of. All right, thanks, Cletus. luckily, I didn't catch all of that. it went in one tooth and not the other.
But, guys, if I can make a serious point, we all know that football is a dangerous game. But in this country, we were founded on Judeo football values. and sometimes the only way to make the game safer is to hit even harder.
Amen! Anyone want to hit me now? face balls? I don't care. I think we're good, Terry. thank you.
Um, let's go down to the field for an immediate reaction. I understand we have a new sideline reporter. Well, that's right. when we saw this guy's resume, we had to give him a shot.
Heisman Trophy winner. more championships than Tom Brady. Please welcome Congressman George Santos. thank you. thank you for having me. George Santos here reporting live from the Super Bowl. Now, George, first of all, congrats on an amazing career.
I didn't even know he played football, but I'm seeing here that you were the first player to lead the league in passing and rushing. that's correct. I'm sort of the real Bo Jackson. and I'm proud to be the first African-american quarterback to ever dunk a football. And where did you play college ball again? the University of College. Jonas, why don't you walk us through what happened on the field tonight? with pleasure. You see, Philadelphia was in trouble until they turned to their secret weapon, George Santos. just look at the stats. I completed 36 of 25 passes for 300 yards and 600 yards. I had 12 touchdowns, 17 rebounds, and 10 Rbi. And Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky gave me an Oscar all at the age of 18. Incredible. I'm being told some of those stats are not accurate and that you maybe didn't play in the game at all.
Well, I didn't do drag in Brazil. What's that, George? I was just saying, I didn't do drag in Brazil under the name Kitada Davache. whoever did that was very, very good at it and won many, many pageants. All right. Well, thank you, George.
I'm being told to cut away from him and never go back.
Now, let's look back at our pregame predictions and see how they stack up. Howie, you said the Giants would put off the upset. No, no, I meant that the Giants would be upset that they lost, And I was right. Mike Strahan, your pregame prediction was that everybody was gonna have fun out there. we think this, so I was right as well.
Yeah, and Jimmy, you predicted that there would be 100 Verizon commercials starring Paul Giamatti as Albert Einstein. Yeah, and I was wrong. it was actually 200. Yeah, and Terry, your luck was that in the fourth quarter, someone would streak the field with a carrot up his ass. What happened? Yeah, but only because you were the one who did that, man. And I make my own luck.
Okay, well, let's head back down to the field, where our reporter, Pam Oliver, is standing by. Pam! thanks, Howie. And in terms of what I saw in the field tonight, I can only say one thing and one thing only, frankly.
Hello, sorry, I'm late. I heard you were asking about Kitara Vashay. No, why are we giving him a graphic? George, put Pam Oliver back on. I'm not George, I'm Kitara Vashay. And Pam said that she didn't want to be on Tv, and I should do it instead. Now, allow me to give you my real stats.
Death Drops 26. Duck Walks 19. Wake snatched infinity.
And I was also given the award for tightest tuck. Well, you gotta tuck it, tight. No, Terry, it's not that kind of tuck.
Now, I've rewritten the football, the Fox Football Anthem, which I'm allowed to do because my mother died twice on 9-11. Hit it! the Eagles are moving on, and George Santos represents America and can vote on wars. And live from New York, it's Saturday! |
dropout | i_know_where_you_got_your_opinion_from | That is the problem, if Congress were really representational, there would be a hundred atheists.
Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah?
Atheists are the biggest minority group.
Where did I? I've heard this before. Where do I know this from? Stuck at a party with the woman from accounting you never talked to, introducing Shazam for B.S. Yes? Oh god, I knew it. I knew it was this and I, oh god, it was going to drive me insane. What is that? When you do bullshit mode on Shazam, it tells you where some dumb ass is pulling their uninformed talking points from.
Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that makes sense. Because you know, millennials' memories are half of what our parents' generation's memories were. Oh, yep. See? I knew that. I was just checking.
You've heard this bullshit before, and now Shazam can tell you where. I'm getting a lot of hops in this, and an intense nose of tropical food. I mean, we're talking mango, that's papaya. Oh, impressive. The phone. Not you. There's no bullshit we haven't heard before. I just hope that like, when the world ends, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there'll be so much to look forward to. We worked nine to five, but how do you know what you're going to do before you do it? Know exactly where someone's plagiarized personality came from. It's also arbitrary. You know, there's a whole other dimension, thriving simultaneously, as we speak, it's just on the other side of the door of space. Oh, ew, is that the subreddit for white people to talk about ayahuasca? I mean, one of them...
The thing about women is they're always trying to remind everybody that maybe history once slighted them, you know? And then they want to take off work from them going to their abortions in their condoms or whatever. Women want handouts. Gay people want handouts.
Jessica, you're black. What are you doing? You know, whatever I'm supposed to say now, I want handouts. Just pull out your phone whenever someone is trying to splash-zone you with their loosely remembered point of view.
The real problem? Okay, the real problem?
Overpopulation. Oh, yeah. By the year 2022, the entire world is going to be so overcrowded, I'm going to be living in trees.
God, dude, I hate parties. Why'd I even come here? No one asked you. Shazam for bullshit. Everyone is literally the fucking same.
You took out loans to study acting? That's my one thing. That's my whole deal. Sign up for your free trial today. Then pay after that. I... I need it. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_the_hot_date_presented_by_gears_of_war_3 | So, Arisa. So... What?
I'm sorry. I'm really nervous. Tell me a little bit about yourself, like, um, you know, aside from the fact that you have perfect skin. Well, I'm really into video games. Me too. I have the high score for snake on my phone.
The key is to eat all of the apples before you hit your tail, which sounds easy, but it's not. Especially when you're doing this, you're supposed to really go to lengths to avoid it.
I'm into Gears of War. I love that game. I love the game. Games of War. Gears of War.
That one is also the bomb. Okay. Oh! Did somebody say costume? No. What? Yes, they did. Nope. Really? Thought I heard it. Nope. Huh.
Who are you? Who am I? Who are you? I'm Amir Blumenfeld.
Creator of Gears of War. Actually, Cliff Blasinski created Gears of War.
Yeah. That's me. I'm Cliff Blinky. No. That guy over there is Cliff Blasinski. I saw him when we walked in. Okay, you know what? Forget it.
Because I'm hungry and you want sushi. Here we go. Who wants some fresh fish? Okay, that was closer than I thought. And here we go. Here we go. All right.
Maybe you should use chopsticks if you're gonna eat sushi. Maybe you should use...
Sorry, what were you gonna say? I was gonna make fun of people. I know what you were gonna do. Just leave, man.
I'm on a date. Well, now you're on a knot. Booyah! What are you doing? I'll tell you guys what I'm doing. I'm about to cook you guys a legit feast. Huh? How's that sound? We have a feast, okay? You're ruining it. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a date until I make my famous crepes. I thought you said it wasn't a date. You said we were on a knot. B-R-C, all right? B, right, crepe.
I'm really sorry. I don't know that guy. I couldn't help but notice how badly this is going.
I'm Cliff. I know who you are. I'm Marissa. And I know who you are. Hey, Cliff, man. Look, we all love gains of worms. All right, we all do, but honestly, I'm on a date right here.
Bro code. Bro code? So, gears three, huh?
I'm unbelievably pumped. You should be excited. It's gonna be big.
Do you know where the rice pods are? Thought you were making crepes. Yeah, I am. I'm your style. That's with a whole lot of rice. Don't need any rice. And that's not my kitchen, by the way, so I wouldn't know where the rice pod is. Okay, well, the chef is being super uncooperative, man. Teach you for being a chef.
Either way, now I can't find Jack's squad. And don't make it.
What? Just go. So, I got some food back in my house. You wanna go back, maybe get some dinner, have a sneak peek at the game? Yeah, thanks, dude, but she's not hungry. Yes, I do. Take a hint, man. All right. Guys, screw it. I'm making you Cornish heads instead. That's right, an after dinner bird, and it's gonna be delicious. Here we go. All right, one time. Hey, Cliff, how's that sound, man? Ever had a frickin' turkey for dessert before? Okay, which one of these is fire?
I'm not gonna high-five you, man, right? I wouldn't, just because I've been touching raw meat. |
dropout | hardly_working_human_wrecking_balls | Guys, we've got to stop wasting money. Our profit margins are razor thin. Hey, Rockefeller, would you stop crushing that ice and melt slower with its hole?
Oh, geez, I'm sorry I enjoy the finer things in life. Oh my god. I forgot to pay Timmy Giovanni this month.
You mean Timmy Two Toes? Who said something about toes? You making fun of my toes? You making fun of these?
Listen, Timmy, we were going to pay you this month, I swear. This was just an honest mistake. You want to know what happens when you don't pay Timmy Two Toes? Let me introduce you to my two associates, the human wrecking balls, boys! Now you better cough up that money or the human wrecking balls here are going to trash the place.
Well, I mean, what is there left to destroy? What is there left to destroy?
Plenty of stuff there. Ha! Got these. What are these? Receipts. Good, perfect.
Do it.
Ooh, say goodbye to your precious little receipts. Now are you going to pay me a what? I guess that's a little annoying, but it's not like they're valuable, just paper. Oh, so it matters if it's valuable. Okay, how about this? Get them, guys.
Oh, such a beautiful desk destroyed. They already destroyed that desk.
No, they didn't. They did not.
Look, Timmy, we're going to get you your money, okay? This is a total misunderstanding. Did someone just say toes? Someone making fun of these?
I guess there's nothing valuable left to break, so I'll just leave. Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.
Oh, what's this? A Ming vase? Ooh, smash it, boys. Oh, gosh! Ha, ha, ha! No big what? Ming vase destroyed. Show us the pieces. I'm sorry, what? There's actually something back there. Why don't you show us the pieces?
All right, there was nothing back there. It was all a lie.
There's got to be something valuable to break around here. Hey, you guys, check out these priceless Faberge piggyback. Oh! Streeter, are you okay?
Yeah, I just slipped on these worthless receipts. Ah, don't bother, guys. Don't bother.
Listen, you may have won this time, but I'll be back to collect my money when you least expect it. Though, to be honest, it'll probably be at the first of the month.
All right? Wrecking balls? Hit it. Oh, that was close. Problem solved. Nice job, everyone. Now, back to work. Ooh! |
cracked | the_star_wars_prequel_we_want_to_see_cracked_responds | All of them? Here we have another White female lead. It's great, right? Cuz like we don't see a lot of franchises You know, they literally it's literally the biggest film franchise in the world and for the last one They were like, you know what do a protagonist black guy white lady. Yeah, most of the world was like, please Here's all of our money. So now they're doing kind of the same thing. We've got mrs.
Haulking and And Diego Luna, you know, not white dudes in charges franchise Hispanic man does not talk at any point. No, he doesn't but he but he gives us a smoldering look. He does. He smolders We're trying to take Star Wars until the 21st century. We're like great variety in our characters smoldering Latin men In white ladies, well put in a black lady but CGI her she's got to be an alien baby steps Baby steps I rebel.
Is she a rebel? She rebels. That's true. She rebels against rebellion.
She's a super rebel She conjugates that verb So we have the Death Star again Which is kind of a bummer because we just had the Death Star and the Force Awakens which was itself just a beat-for-beat Retelling of a new home, you know, however you feel about that That's what it was. Normally that's a negative thing in reviews when the sequel does the exact same thing as a previous movie But we're all just so excited I think we were so fatigued by so much hatred for the prequels even though in George Lucas's defense He tried to give us something new in each one. We just hated him for it each time, right?
It was like well, here's some here's the first episode one. Here's some pod races We're gonna have like this ninja dude do like lightsaber fighting like really fast You've never seen it before we're like that kid you read Star Wars I may have gone too far in a few places. So the tension in this movie comes from What is that weapon and does it have a weakness? They blow it up I mean surprise So this is telling the story of the people who stole the plans and then got them to lay up on the blockade runner Which is where the first movie begins so we know that all of these people either are gonna die or just go on to not impact the rest of the rebellion in Any meaningful way so I'm in and into the trailer super into it really excited Star Wars is happening Then all of a sudden What I do about this bird in my apartment no, it's a trailer that's just a guy right the alarms are broken He hits the thing doesn't go off. He's just like Apparently all of Star Wars is hangers and Planning rooms and green lights if you continue to fight of course What if he needs to clear his throat force Whitaker is intentionally I think Invoking his character from battlefielder. It shows his his forest Whittiface and then it cuts immediately to a guy who has the same hair that he had in battlefield earth So the trailer is at least subconsciously trying to get you to make that connection Is that also a Star Wars story? I think it might be what will you become I?
Really think the editor was just like hey guys, you know hunger games hear me out Star Wars remember how much we all like Katniss other young white women Here's a Star Wars one a space bow and arrow would be Are we excited? I'm excited First Star Wars movie that's not about the skywalkers right where the main character is not a Jedi. No Jedi Yeah, ideally there's been some chatter where people are like is she related is she a Skywalker and there's been some blowbacks that well Just because like she's a lady doesn't mean that she has all women aren't related You know in their defense. There are four women Star Wars universe, and they're all being related to each other presumably other interesting things are happening in space And they've announced a couple like the Han Solo one from nobody's really that jazzed about but like there could potentially be Obi-Wan stuff Or like maybe a Boba Fett movie that'd be rad Disney. It's just it's it's settling into it We're gonna give you all of everything like we're gonna force feed you all the superhero movies until you choke to death on them I did get to the point where I'm like I I guess I'm gonna watch this and then it started and I was immediately like Yes, since the only blockbusters coming out now are Star Wars and superhero movies We may as well have a Star Wars movie. That's secretly a spy movie With right space magic that cuz that worked that worked for Captain America And that would explain why they stole the first half of the there's actually a graph showing that the most successful superhero movies Aren't just superhero movies. They're superhero movies that combine themselves with other genres So that's what they're gonna do with Star Wars ideally if they're smart Disney That was sweet like you could do everything is just we're gonna have a Star Wars romantic comedy We're gonna have a Star Wars coming-of-age tale Star Wars. We're gonna have a crime thrillers Star Wars John Wick, but Star Wars What if they did a prequel trilogy about Obi-Wan and like we find out what he was doing before Star Wars?
They they they did that that happened that happened. How did it turn out? Hey everybody, thank you so much for watching whatever that video was we hope you enjoyed it We here at cracked have been nominated for two webby Awards best humor website and online video channel Which you are watching right now So if you could go to the links in the description and vote for us both times, that would be amazing We have until April 21st do it now. Thank you USA USA USA |
dropout | this_turkey_is_a_total_tilf | Well, hands are weird, right? They're very high before I get in here. I'm going to immediately impute them.
Hello and welcome to the first ever College Humor podcast. We're trying this out. We're recording this live to tape and we're just going to give you a little glimpse into some of the stuff that goes on backstage here, behind the scenes. If we make mistakes, we're not cutting them out, so you can see all the things that we do wrong. We're going to play some fun games and just generally hang out with you a little bit.
I am Mike Trapp, joining us. I'm Rekha Shankar. I am. Bringing the energy. I'm the Tang, Raphael Chestang, the Tang, as you all know me. I'm Katie Marovitch.
Hello. Hi.
Thanks, everyone, for coming in bright and early to do this, especially the Tang, which we should mention that no one has really ever called you that. No, I don't know.
I just did. Okay. Well, okay.
I don't like that you've chosen this moment to try to get a nickname to stick, but it feels like we have to go along with it. It's the beginning of a new thing. It's like when you start at a new college or something. And you pick a new name. Yes, you pick a new name. A new personality.
I do. I get that because I've moved around a lot and every time I moved, it was like, okay, chance to start over. All the mistakes I learned in the previous play is like, I'm not going to do that again.
No one knows about any of the skeletons in the closet. Those are just going in the incinerator. Exactly. None of these people know about the dirty booty eating.
Well, now they do. Wow. Right at breakfast, too, Raph. Jeez.
Well, we are coming back from Thanksgiving. We had people who were traveling, so if anyone have anything fun or interesting happen to them. Yeah, I mean, mine's not necessarily fun, but well, this part's fun.
I went to New York. I love New York. It's a great city. Mike Trapp agrees. We both love New York. It's a good place to live, and I miss it dearly. Thank you, New York.
But I was on the train going to the airport, which, Raph, you do have to leave early to go to an airport, just so you know, because Raph leaves like four minutes before he wants to be there. I've traveled to the airport with him, and he left like three seconds before he needed to be there. I've never missed a flight.
Ooh. Okay.
Which airport? Which airport were you going to?
JFK. Okay. I know it well.
You've been to New York once. Raph now lives in New York once for one night, and he saw someone being finger blasted at 3 a.m. on the sidewalk, and now he thinks. He talks about New York so much. There's someone who has been there once.
Let me tell you, best places to eat in New York. You went to McDonald's outside the JFK. You truly went to a place I told you to go to. We were supposed to go to the airport together, and then I get a message from him when I'm already supposed to be meeting him that says, I'm going to Manhattan, which is the stupid ascension.
Where? What? Why?
We have to go to the airport. I've never been before. I know.
It is clear by saying, I'm going to Manhattan. Anyway, I was going to the airport, and thankfully, I left early because we were on the train, and all of a sudden, the conductor is announcing the next stop. He's like, oh, the next stop will be 80th Street. And then someone goes, there's a bomb on the train!
And we're all like. But just someone? Someone.
It sounded like the conductor. Okay, but it was on the... He was on the intercom. Okay, yeah. And I was sleeping. Sorry. There's a couple... There was something I wanted to clear before you said I was sleeping. Then that got thrown in. I was like, oh, reeling a little bit. So the conductor came over to the intercom, said a thing, and the same voice said there's a bomb on the train? It sounded like the same voice to me. Okay.
But to be clear, you were asleep on the subway. I always sleep on the subway.
Wow. Nuts. No. It means I'm full and relaxed. It's wild.
You were just talking about how early you need to get to the... Yes, you have to be cautious. Be safe. Be cautious. Everything I know about you is like, yeah, be prepared. Be safe. Be cautious. Yeah.
There was someone who used to work at College Humor, who I remember one day he came in and he was like, oh, I had a bad night. He had been out to a party and he'd taken the train home and fallen asleep. And when he woke up, he realized someone had cut the phone out of his pants and he was like, ah, it's a brand new phone and they were brand new pants.
Okay. Well, I would never do that. You would never cut the phone out of somebody's pants? No, I would never be that person. Okay.
But you were asleep on the train. I was asleep on the train. And nothing bad would happen to you while you're asleep on the train.
Please continue your story. And nothing would happen to me. I only had my suitcase and all my belongings.
Okay. Right. Anyway, this is another train. And the conductor, this happened. And everyone just kind of has that moment and we're stopped at a station. So the doors are open. So that's, I guess, the best scenario to be in.
Sure. Yeah. Because you can get off. You can get off. Yeah. Did you get off?
No. The thing is you have to get to the airport. I am cautious. An hour and a half ahead of time. But I thought this is why you went early so that you could get off of the bomb train and catch another train. No. There could be so many things happening at the airport that I need to prepare for. Okay. I don't have time for subway announcements. I didn't prepare for that.
Right. So we're all just kind of looking at each other. And there's no extra announcement. And so we're just like, oh.
Did anyone get off the train? Because even the people that there was their staff. Because I. I may be one of those people. I got to see how this plays out.
Okay.
I think the people. Yeah. Obviously, the people who stopped it was I don't I did not see any movement really from anybody. Right. And so and then we're all kind of just waiting for an update. People are like, huh? What do you say? This is a bomb train. Okay. Hmm. And then he comes back. I'm pretty sure he was like, all right. The next stop is. We're like, wait a minute. What? We're still thinking it was. I thought I was like, I'm like, maybe he's not well and he doesn't what just happened because he did not first thing should be on the agenda to address that the first words out of your mouth have to be to address what just happened.
You can't be like, sorry, I'm back to train conductor, like whatever. And then he goes new people get on the train.
No. Oh, okay. At least not in my car. Okay.
And he does like he like says the next stop and he has somebody came onto the intercom and said there was a bomb. The police are coming to get this person out of the train. Like. Next stop.
Please.
Just fucking relax. Yeah. So that happened.
The police came and they were searching for this person. I have no idea if they found them. I don't know why this person would still be. It did not even occur to me.
This person was still on the train. One, how did they get into the conductor booth to once you're in the conductor booth and then you make a threat like that. You run. Why would you still be on the train? Why wouldn't the conductor know who it was?
Like if you're someone like this, I mean, again, it sounded like the conductor, which would be the perfect crime when you think about it. Yes. The perfect crime.
Fun. Short.
I wonder if I don't want to I don't want to impugn the good name of this of this conductor, but I wonder like if you say like it sounds like it, you know how that sort of like unwanted thoughts syndrome kind of thing where like, you know, like if you're like, oh, what if I jump? And you're like, if you're just doing the fire alarm, like anything that's just sort of like, I shouldn't kind of sharp that knife is, I shouldn't, I shouldn't slam my hand on that. For sure. If this conductor every day, he's been doing this job is just like, what have I just said? And I'll leave the doors open. It won't be super scary. It's the safest way possible. It's totally fine. Anyway, today was the day he's like, I'm going to, I'm just going to do it as soon as he did.
I'm going to look for the guy. He was trying to describe like someone who's like, just clearly a fake person. They'll never find it. But it's like, oh, it's New York.
I can't be any.
He had four arms and eight feet tall and in a big purple hat, he's carrying a fish. An hour later, like we found it.
Yeah. Fuck. Anyway. Might not have to curse. I shouldn't ever. Okay. Cool. Anyway. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah.
We run the show. Maybe we'll sense. I don't know. I don't know what we're going to do.
Fuck. Piss.
But. That was what you were testing the system with? Yeah. I said Piss before that. Buts. All right. Well, I don't know if this is a good test. Great.
Well, did you, so did no resolution? Nothing happened.
I heard a guy on the phone. He was sitting across from me. He's like, man, I'm going to be late. Someone calling a bomb.
Throw out all the train. God, so fucking annoying.
Which is very, yeah, it is very funny. I mean, it's not funny. It's only funny because nothing happened. But it's like, God damn, don't call it a bomb.
I'm going to be late. I'm going to be in the airport.
It's that kind of behavior that is both like why people are like, yeah, New York's great. And also why I get annoyed. But there is that thing of everyone is so just like they have so many, a million things to do. And everyone's crammed together in the same spot that when there is something like that is just sort of like, well, another thing.
Yeah. Oh, God. Another thing happening in my day. Yeah.
I remember there was one time when I was in New York and I was coming home and a man came out of a KFC maybe someplace and was just like, you know, like one of those things like, oh, you're having a screaming argument with someone like I can't see the other person is just like coming out and and clearly a little unwell. But he concluded the argument by pulling down his pants, bending over and making his butt cheek scream at the guy and everyone else, everyone like this is this was in like that guy wins.
You can't. There's nothing you can say.
But it was just like everyone. I was just like, like very stone face just watching this man screaming at his butt cheeks and just like, all right, here we go. Another one of them.
That's so wonderful. But he's very sweet.
Right. It is. He has to be. You don't pull that move out if you don't think you're right. No. Isn't Jim Carrey Jim Carrey do that? Yeah. Well, was that right?
Maybe it was Jim Carrey. Maybe I. Maybe maybe I had my first celebrity sighting years ago. It's the butt from Ace Ventura.
I love you. Well, great. Great. I hope it was a happy Thanksgiving. Other than that. Yeah, it was great.
This was actually, I think my first. This might have been my first Thanksgiving. I think. What?
I've never celebrated. Did you celebrate it with your family? No, they don't celebrate it. That's why I've never celebrated.
This is my first time not being at my house. Oh, OK. So you did a Friendsgiving? Yeah. I went to New York for friends. I had two Friendsgivings. That's great. Interesting. I feel like I always kind of liked Thanksgiving because it is so irreligious, a religious that it did feel like it's like, oh, this is truly like a national holiday.
It's like, yeah, we're all just going to do this. We're going to take some time off. We're just going to do this.
I guess not. Yeah. Well, half my family is vegetarian. I mean, most of them are. My dad isn't and my brother isn't. So like Turkey, whatever most, most of Thanksgiving foods are vegetarian. Yeah. No one was going to cook that shit in my house. Like, OK. Yeah. I'm sorry. Like people still have time off work and school presumably, did you not do any anything or like it's like, oh, I have a big meal. We don't have to do Thanksgiving food, but we can we can just pick out like everyone else in the country is right now. Truly no. OK.
One time my dad booked a mileage run on Thanksgiving Day. Do you know mileage runs? No. That's where you book a flight that stops at like 700 stops just to accumulate miles and you come back like the same day or the next day. Why would we know what that is?
We're not dads. Do you think we're dads? We're not dads. We're dads.
We did that on Thanksgiving. That's the clearest like paternity test. Yes. Oh, no. I got to talk to you. Wow. Your dad knows how to party. He went to Munich. Whoa. On this mileage run? Yeah. Wow. OK. I stay corrected. As a result of the miles or as part of accumulating miles? Part of the mile. All right. OK. Truly wild. But but he was only there for. A day. On Thanksgiving. Wowza. Well.
Well, we're going to move into our next segment here. This is a segment that we call rejected sketch theater. We write a lot of sketches here.
Not all of them. Not all of them make it past the pitch stage. Not all of them make it past the script stage.
And this is in fact a sketch that our very own Katie Maravich wrote. Last year maybe? Last year. Yes. I wrote this last year. This reeks of 2017. Every reference. It is a Thanksgiving sketch. So it is appropriate now.
But but we did not ever actually make this. And were you both here when?
Yes. I guess so. I do remember this. In the sketch. Yeah. I am in the sketch. Because I remember when we were giving you notes. I think Katie you thought that we were saying that it was like. Well. Yeah.
Hold on. Sorry. There is going to be no context here. Too sexy. Shut up. This is my thing to talk about. Sorry. This isn't your story to tell.
Okay. Katie would you like to tell us the title of this sketch. Yes. And then tell us who we will be reading for. Yes. And then we will talk about it when we are done. That sounds lovely. Great. Hello.
My name is Katie Maravich. I didn't mean to say that.
Anyway the sketch is entitled. This turkey is a total tilth. So turkey I'd like to fuck.
And I will play Katie. I'm glad we sorted out the censoring thing. Why we are in the middle of this. Trap please be trap. Rekha can you be Ally? And Raphael be yourself. And then I'll also do stage. Okay. Interior dining room. Katie trap Ally and Raphael. Munch on light appetizers and drink cider. Katie clears her throat.
I just wanted to thank all of you for coming to my thanksgiving dinner. It really means a lot that you chose me over your family.
Of course. A timer goes off. It's turkey time. Everyone cheers. Katie goes to the kitchen and comes back hearing a large roasting pan. She sets it down and lifts the lid.
A perfectly roasted glistening turkey rests inside. It's lying on its side with one wing up posing suggestively. Whoa baby. Extremely seductive music begins to play. We pan over to the turkey in slow motion. There's soft lighting. It's truly a very sexy turkey. What a tool. Everyone stares at the turkey like they want to fuck it.
Katie bites her lips. Trap's eyes roll back and ecstasy. Ally loses control and moves to touch it. Raphael stops her.
Wait. Let's get a little more comfortable first. Close up.
Raphael lighting some moody candles around the turkey. We pull back to reveal that everyone now wears sexy silk robes. The turkey has a sheer chemise on.
That's more like it. Ally and Katie begin taking out the stuffing with their hands. Let me help you. Trap unties the turkey's legs from each other and reties them to the sides of the pan. So its legs are spread akimbo. Much better. Ally and Katie basically start fingering the turkey in slow motion to get the stuffing out. It's time. I'll be gentle. Turkey takes out of...
Oh, it's Katie. Not turkey. Katie. If you were premium subscribers, you'd be able to watch Katie and Rekha demonstrate what fingering a turkey looks like.
If you're just listening, you don't get that little thing. Yeah, you're missing this.
Anyway, Katie takes out a vibrating carving knife. She starts carving the turkey in slow motion.
Juice pours out of it. Everyone licks their lips, lips and breathes heavily. May I? He takes a small taste of meat.
Oh, baby. She's perfect.
Let's eat. They all sit down and load turkey onto their plates. They ignore the rest of the spread on the table.
It becomes a montage of turkey soft core porn sexiness. Trap sniffing the turkey as though it were panties. Ally, act this out. Ally putting melted butter on her hands and massaging a large piece of breast meat. Raphael lying seductively on a couch next to a piece of turkey. They are surrounded by roses. Katie rubbing a turkey leg all over her face while her eyes flutter.
Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. Trap big Grant. Knock, knock. Hope I didn't miss anything. This is Grant. Trap is Grant and trap. Grant opens the door and enters. He carries a pie and wears his Sunday best.
He looks around shocked and disgusted by what he sees. I can't believe this. I would never do anything like this. You're all a bunch of turkey perverts.
The end. So... The perfect sketch. Sexy, hot about food.
So, Katie, do you... I guess, do you have any... Is there anything you'd like to say, I guess, about why you think that perhaps this sketch didn't get made?
Well, I know. This was actually the final version. In the read-through version, I had everyone orgasming a lot. Oh, right. And everyone was telling me how uncomfortable that was. Well, but you had... We are actors! But you had us covered in it, though. Not only were we orgasming, you had us covered in our orgasms. We were all creaming left and right. Left and right. You essentially wrote soft-core pornography for your coworkers. Yes.
And it wasn't... I just somehow... I felt like the wrong message was taken from what the notes were. It wasn't that it was...
Because we get the sketch is supposed to be sexy. I think just... It's about a turkey that's sexy. How would you write that sketch?
And I think the orgasm... I remember, too... I feel like the orgasming part was something that you said. When I wrote this, I didn't realize I had to do it in the room. Right. That is accurate. I do remember that.
But I do that to myself a lot. There are many sketches that I write where I'm like, oh, no. It got green-lipped. Now I have to do that. The first sketch, I think, you had to do...
The basketball one. The...
Oh, I'm out of shape. Trying to hide you're out of shape.
That required you to get sprayed in the face so you could look sweaty. I've never seen anything like it before where you were getting sprayed in the face and getting your bangs wiped down for continuity. Because this is how it was in the previous shot. You could wipe it down and you would brush it away. Then they would wipe your bangs right down and you would brush it away.
Then you started telling them to stop. We have to do this. I was very inappropriate on this. We didn't realize it, but I had a phobia about being sprayed in the face with water. It was like when you discipline a dog. I had the craziest reaction to that. I didn't foresee that when I wrote this sketch, but it was truly insane.
I hope to God that The Rock has the same thing. Let me explain. Whenever I see the Fast and Furious movies, you know how he's glistening all the time. There's somebody whose job it is between takes. Absolutely. Then he's like he's drying it off and they're like stop it. He's yelling at them to stop. The rock glistener comes home from work just exhausted. How was word today? He's like another Dwayne didn't want it.
This is my day hustle. My passion. One day you'll get there.
Well, we're getting a little off track. That's okay. But to extrapolate on that for this, because the original version did have people orgasming. With excretions. Oh yeah, we were covered in it. Yeah, I guess it's sort of like that would be something on set. I can see now that that would make me uncomfortable. You know, hindsight's 20. I think there's also an element here too. We establish the premise up top. That's a turkey like fuck. But we never again after that acknowledge really in any way that this is sort of unusual.
Nor do we have really many lines. No, we don't have any lines.
We're moaning. There's some may I and ooh babies in there. Yes. If you're reading through the description it's like oh yeah, I can see the jokes here. But then if you try to imagine what it actually looks like cut together then you have a thing where it's like wow, it's a good looking turkey. And then it's three minutes of honesty. Essentially moaning and fucking a turkey. Yeah. No, that's true.
Maybe we can do it live, I don't know. Yeah, we'll do it live. You're right. We'll just orgasm live. We'll just cream live.
That's good. All together. Great.
I also love that the final beats, the final joke relies just on it's like okay, for this joke to work it's like you have to know Grant's a total fucking pervert. Pervert. Grant would be the only one who wouldn't fuck a turkey. Yeah, so you definitely have to know that specific about Grant. And that turkeys are hot. That guy just fucked everything on set.
It's true. Well, is there anything is this still a sketch you would want to get made? No. No, I think I've evolved as a writer since then. Yeah, this is in my past.
This is preschool. This is preschool shit. You know, I'm in college now, baby. Preschoolers always write about coming.
Well, you know, if you don't hate the stuff that you wrote a year ago, that just means you're not improving, right? Exactly. You should always hate what you did one year ago. You should always hate yourself from one year ago.
As a professional comedy writer, that's how it should work. Absolutely.
That's advice you can take home to the bank. You're home. You're home to the bank. You're all bank from home now, so I'll just send in.
Well, anyone else have any other final thoughts about this turkey as a total tilth? I mean, I'm truly just flabbergasted. Why? I totally forgot about it.
And then, well, because you did like a really sexy thing. Yes, I did. That's right. I, Katie Maravits, were very sexy. The sexiest cast member did something sexy.
Big deal. You're constantly talking about you don't know what sex is, or what is sexy. Sounds like Raph's projecting onto Katie. Because I have never. That's on you. I can't believe it's really on you. How embarrassing. You admit something like that. Oh my god. You don't know what sex is? It's going to be the raincrume all over again. Yeah.
Yeah, this sketch made Raph uncomfortable. Raph is projecting. He's projecting his sex negativity. How are you... Raph didn't know that turkeys could feel pleasure.
And that's how we'll end this segment. Well, speaking of Raph, how's that for a segue? Raph, you had months ago pitched out an idea for doing a game and we didn't really have a good place for it until now, so we figured we'd try it out now. You want to intro this idea and try this out for us? Yes, once again, the tang here.
Okay, I'm sorry. I apologize.
This is like when a teenager is like, Call me Misty Doon. Call me A-town. This game is called slang tang.
These are Oh no, Katie can see. I can also see it. Everyone can see it.
Oh no. These are terms from uh these are slang terms and then you're going to tell me what you think the definition is. I think we can say that it's from urban dictionary. Oh, we can? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, then that's what it is. These are all pulled from UrbanDictionary.com. So you'll say the word, we'll say the definition? Yeah. What we think the definition is.
Ghost cheeks. Ghost cheeks? Oh no. Are those like super pale butt cheeks? Like they've been in too tight of underpants or something and they laugh circularly. Yeah, so they're like you're saying like it's cut off, it's cut off circulation to your butt so that it's like extra pale. Is that what you're proposing ghost cheeks are?
I think Why would you think they'd have a term for that? This happens so much. They have a term for everything.
Oh yeah, okay. Alright. Here's what I think it is.
Ghosting. Ghosting is a term that we all hear about all the time. Right. What if it's two lovers, one is ignoring the butt. You're ghosting on the cheeks. Ghost cheeks on the butt, yes. Ghost cheeks. You said you were going to hang out and then you didn't ever reply.
I'm never going to touch that butt again. I'll touch that butt in five minutes. Five minutes, you never touch that butt.
I'll say this, Katie is extremely close. Oh wow.
Alright, I was going to guess that this is something to do with like I feel like a lot of urban dictionary terms are very sexual or body judgmental. So I feel like this is maybe something like if you see someone that looks like they have a booty but then later you get all the handsome off and it's like oh where did the booty go? Where did the booty go?
So that's my guess. Okay, these are all excellent guesses. Thank you. Did any of us get it right? No. Okay.
It's where you sit on a toilet seat and you can still feel the warmth where the previous occupant was feeding.
What? What is it?
Ghost cheeks.
Wait, why did you say I was the closest? Yeah, nothing to do with it. Honestly, mine's closer.
Well, they left. The booty left. Where did the booty go? Yeah, exactly. Where did the booty go?
So no points for that one is what I'm hearing. I guess no points. Do we judge rap? Hard luck with judge rap. Do we get points for this show? I mean, I think rap can assign points if we get close or get it. I feel like none of us are going to get anything.
Our answers tickle him. Oh, sure. Look, rap is, it's the tang's world. We're just living in it. We're just tanging it.
Okay, this is how long is this supposed to be? 25 minutes. We can do like 10-15 minutes or so, but we've got time. Feel free to go until it feels like, yeah. Until this is boring.
Here's what I think. So I don't really know much about how babies come out. This is quite the intro. Please come tell me. But I imagine occasionally the baby will, this is when the baby's getting born. I imagine that sometimes the baby's head will come out and then pop back in.
What? Like it's having otter poppin. No! Ew! That's what you're describing.
No, the baby's head will come out of the mom, it's getting born, and then it has to go back in. So I feel like the baby goes I don't know. That's why I said I don't know how babies work.
Here's the thing. I think that you're on the right track. Because I think that an otter pop is like the popsicle on the plastic sleeve where you sort of slide it out to take a bite. I think that you're right with the motion of being like something sliding in and out.
But I don't think it's a baby. I think it's a penis. Ew! I think it's a baby.
With like foreskin? Or are you talking about a penis like Rekka's very close. Rekka is correct. I guess. I'm assuming. Like a penis. Wait, everyone shut up. I'm right. I think it is penis and foreskin related is what I'm going to say. Actually, I'm not exactly sure. I think it has to do with the penis. I'm not sure.
My second guest. As Raph famously knows nothing about sex. My second guest will be related to Katie's.
It is when twins come out and they're holding hands like otters. Okay, that's the new one. That's adorable. Trapp, what's your guess?
The penis thing. Oh, the foreskin.
Right, you did say that. What is it? It says squeezing the last few drops of pee out with your hand. I am so wrong. Does that work? I don't think so. It's like milking a cow. I think if you have to otter pop, you maybe need to see it. You certainly need to hydrate more. I saw that on a TV show. Yeah. Oh, man.
We have those apple juice things. Oh, no, I don't like the apple sauce. The squeezy apple sauce. That's like your otter pop in the apple sauce.
Oh, come on. Okay.
Let's see.
Do we want to do one more? Yes. Let's do one or two more if we've got good ones here. This is called... You guys probably know what this one is.
No. You're severely overestimating how cool at least... You're not cool enough to otter pop, for sure. All the cool kids are fucking squeezing their dicks to the last drops of piss coming out. I could never. This isn't censored, right?
This is called a glass bottom boat. A glass bottom boat.
Okay. All right.
Those are fun. I have... Catalina. I went on one.
I think it might be a little sexier. I'm gonna bank that away from when we find out what a glass bottom boat is. This feels like one of those stupid sex moves to me. One of those things that no one actually really does but it's just an invented crazy sex move. Trapper's right. And I think... I'm pretty sure this is weird.
Okay, glass bottom boat. So that's gotta be when you're looking down below and you're seeing something. Ass. So what is the glass bottom boat?
I wonder if it's a shower. A shower? You know people, it's shower sex.
Right. I think it's gotta be, it's gonna be something crazier than that. A panel, a window. I think it's gonna be sex through a sunroof or something like that.
Wow, this is very close. You guys are very close.
Who's on top? Wait, wait. What are you asking? Who? Where'd the booty go? Are you saying like cowgirl through the sunroof? I don't know.
The man has a bed. You know car seats famously rise all the way to the sunroof.
Yes! I'm learning a lot today. What if... What is the word again?
Glass bottom boat. It's gonna be a killer. Glass bottom boat.
Maybe. Well, we kind of know. It's something with sex. I'm locking in sex through a sunroof. Could it be eating someone's ass while you're wearing glasses? I guess it could be.
Just pressed up against the glasses. Fogged all the hell. Ass cheeks printed on your glasses for like the next week. Can't rub it off. Why would you keep the glasses on?
I gotta see. I gotta see what I'm doing.
Be precise. You don't want a sloppy ass play.
Katie, do you have a guess for glass bottom boat? Well, I was guessing. I was thinking about it.
Maybe it's like sex very publicly in like an anthropology store display. Oh, cute. Very cute. You're like a bohemian dress. Oh, yeah. And there could be a boat in the display.
What is it? It's when a person shits on top of a glass table while someone underneath the table watches and masturbates through it.
There was a spot of dead air as we all like took that. Sorry for our listeners at home. We were all just sort of sitting here going, wow, alright.
I thought I got it and then you kept going with the description. Because for a second I was like, there's nothing sexual about that. And then you were like masturbating like, alright, fine. For the person who definitely wants to see someone ship is like, oh, I don't want it on me.
That's gross. I do need the shit above me. I went to the zoo and they had this great prairie dog exhibit. I was like, Ian, the prairie dog tunnels. I want that but for shit. Oh my god.
Alright. Will you want to give us one more? Sure. Uh, let's see here. Let's do Oh, do you remember when I said I did that in Catalina? Yeah! Yes!
Woo, Katie gets crazy. Crazy.
And Raph said you knew nothing about sex. Yeah, I was absolutely wrong.
Uh, okay, we'll do this is uh, we'll say uh, clam, oh, you guys know what this is, clam jam. Ew, is that like, well not ew, I mean is it, but is it is it vaginal excrement? Well I'll say, I've heard clam jam used. I thought it would be a tampon. Two words. I've heard clam jam. I've heard it used but I've heard it probably in a much more innocent context than this which is just, it's the female version of a sausage first, or a sausage first.
Oh! So it's like when it's closed.
Oh, too many women. Uh, I mean, too many sounds like a attachment, but it's just like, it's like, oh, it's just like, oh, it's like, this is the party here. It is a bunch of women.
Oh, I see, because sausage first is a judgement. I guess it is. Well, I guess, yeah, I guess there's a judgemental element to it, but it's like, alright, this is but I feel like I've heard it in a sort of like, like, claiming it for ourselves kind of way. Oh, so it's nice. It's like, we got a total clam jam going here. Right. I've heard taco party. Yeah, I guess it's kind of slow. Yes, I've heard taco party. That sounds good.
Oh, my God.
What? What are you speaking?
Oh, my God. Ew! You're disgusting.
I feel like you're just speaking about tacos. I know. Of course he's only thinking of tacos.
We were just talking about like a room full of women. That sounds good. Ooh, damn. The tank's got a little glass. This is for context. Look at him. He's thinking about a taco party and a beautiful itself. This is the same room that we did Big Daddy Raffy. Alright, anyway. Right here, chairs. What is the answer? This is, it's basically the, okay, so this is the female equivalent to a cock block. Oh!
A traffic jam.
Clam jam. I have been clam jammed. What? Because this just means one of your friends is getting in the way of you trying to talk to somebody, right? Oh, yeah. I once, never mind. You have to tell it. My friend, I lived with a woman and I was having a play rehearsal of this very dumb play and I was like singing and she came out and she was like, you're really ruining this. We keep hearing it just like singing and dancing. You clam jammed there. So I was like, big time clam jam. Damn, that sounds good.
Well, that seems like a good time because I need to move on to our next segment, which is questions from the audience and it seems all my questions have scattered on the floor. So, I'm going to take a moment here. No, you didn't do anything. I'm going to take one here to reach down and pick up all the things. Yeah, for those listening, Trapp really started there. I did a lot of work here. Subscribe to Dropout and find truth. That's the amount of work that I did to do this. This happens all the time.
So, here are a couple questions from our audience. I think these all came from our Dropout Discord. It's just where our Dropout subscribers can just chat with each other, chat with us. We hang out there sometimes and if you have questions for us, you just want to pick our brains. It's a good place for it. And we're going to pick some of those out here and talk about them right now.
So, question from Texonitis, probably mispronouncing that, but how much like the character you generally play are you? How much like the character you generally play are you? How similar are you on the screen?
I feel like we'd be better at answering for other people. Maybe. They wrote a little bit more here but it's kind of just elaborate. I always wonder how much the cast is acting and how much you're all just interacting like normal when you're in sketches. That's a good question.
I will say that when I first, I didn't know Katie before working here and when I first met Katie my first thought was wow, she is incredible. What a star. Well, I mean like the thing of like they just turn the camera on and that's just her. You just are, you are probably, I would say that you are the closest to, Katie has, Katie has like two modes. Katie has quiet mode and beast mode and both of those come through in your sketches sometimes because there's sort of like anxious Katie but then there's also like we're fucking doing it.
There's a birthday girl in the house. Oh my god, like 400 times on my birthday.
Oh my god. I think in the videos they're both more extreme versions. Yeah. I feel like I feel like when I became a head writer I think this was largely your doing but I think I got written into a lot more parts where I was like the dour parent of authority. I think a lot of those are coming from your sketches where it's like I'm the boss and I'm telling you what to do. And that is trike trap.
But it's always like you're losing control and no backbone. It's always that you're very weak and yeah.
No, I wouldn't say you're like that in real life. I think you're very normal and you don't act like a boss at all. That's true.
I'm a very bad boss. We don't respect you. I shirk responsibilities all the time. Sam's furious at me and never doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm supposed to be in a meeting right now Raphael, I will say much weirder in real life than in the sketches I think. Oh wow. Different types of weird. I think in the sketches you have like invented quirks of like I don't know. Because you've had me as the wait has that? Oh okay. Swear to God. No, like you have different inventors but like in real life you are very bizarre. I truly feel weird as a person. Raphael, you are wild.
Yesterday you told me like three stories where I could not follow a single goddamn thing you were saying. Do you remember this? No. I don't know what the hell. What was I saying? At the premiere party. Right, right, right. I don't know. The connective threads between the things you were talking about made no sense.
So I think Raph is like you're kind of a quiet person. Yes. Which means that when you do speak it feels like everything is laden with meaning. But the time we were talking about in a show we were filming the fuck what was it the alibi thing? Oh right. Oh yeah. That was total, wait can we say that?
We've mentioned the existence of Total Forgiveness. Okay this is a show called Total Forgiveness.
You don't know anything about it but. Someone the alley had a diary that they kept. Yes. And you said it would be we were all talking about what's the purpose of a diary. And you hadn't said anything for a while. And then you're like oh it's the perfect alibi. What? The purpose if you want to talk about purpose is that what we're talking about? Yes. Shut up. Explain what a designated survivor is. Oh my god. If you want to talk about the practical purpose of it what else could be more practical than an alibi?
You need receipts. I mean I'm not diligent enough to keep a diary. You're gonna get caught. You gotta get receipts. No I'm not getting caught. Use the receipts twice because that's the thing people put in their diary. Yeah you stuff it in as like a bookmark. No you write like your feelings and stuff in diaries.
Oh. Nah. No.
You're picturing like a ledger or something. You don't remember your feelings? I remember my feelings. I have like three of them.
Oh my god. You're horrible. Ugh.
Yeah dude. Yeah.
Get this away. You're in my airspace. You're in my get out of here.
What about you Rekha? Do you feel like you're I feel like your personality comes through in the chuffa for sure. Yes. Just the nonsense at the top of the sketch that doesn't really have anything to do with it. I feel like Rekha's constantly just putting either real opinions or just like I want donuts on this sketch. This whole sketch will be set during a donut part. Yes. I feel like you play characters like other characters not really yourself a lot.
Yeah I don't know. Unless you have a I have this opinion and I want to get this out. Yes I do. I don't know what I should I work on this? What should I do? What should I be? Yeah. I don't know what I do.
I think if you don't do something after a while people just assign you things. Like Katie's whole cocaine thing started with just a passing joke in a sketch that she was in for about two lines.
Yes. Now it has become a huge thing. Right. The biggest thing ever.
And the Raph's booty obsession came from a single line in this library once. And then the dirty booty thing came from because you had never eaten a donut or something when we were doing the don't date my crappy friend. This is why I need a diary for receipts. And there was a chocolate frosted donut and we made the joke it looked like a booty home run. Oh this is a dirty booty home. Oh Raph loves this. Raph will eat this kind of donut. Yeah you were like I bet if it had shit in there you'd love it. That's what she said.
No one stopped this from happening. This is just bullying. Now we continue to bully you.
But it's given you something fun. And I think you have fans from it. So I think you're welcome. You're welcome.
Well here is a sketch that's kind of for Raph or a question rather about a Raph sketch. Some of you worked with celebrity co-stars from time to time. For example, Raph did the Jurassic World sketch with Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard. Which was, let's be honest, brilliant. Raph wrote that sketch.
See I told you it got you fans. Have you gotten to work with any of your comedic heroes or cool celebs? And if not is there anyone we would know who you wish you could work with? You are all my comedic heroes. Aw. Rekha has real fans. You're a comedy hero to many other improv and sketch comedians in Los Angeles at UCB specifically. Can we mention UCB?
Unless I say that it sucks. Raph told me that a bunch of people were complimenting me once and he refused to tell me who it was.
Everybody! It was everybody.
You name somebody. Name a person. Mark.
No, it wasn't them. No, neither of those guys.
God, I wish. Santana? Mark Santana. I wish I knew somebody. If it was like oh yeah, there were a bunch of people complimenting you Rekha and you didn't mention that one of them was Santana. We just had to ask about it.
That would be crazy. That would be horrible. I would have to redact by you and be like no Raph, you're pretty weird.
I was thinking out with Santana. Talking about improv. Is there a celebrity that you worked with that you were like whoa, very cool or someone that you were like I'd love to do a video with. XYZ. I thought it was great. You're best of music ones. I thought that was great. That was a big deal. Thanks again for casting me. No, honestly because I really was I was glad to be able to do that.
The tricky thing is all the people I think of who I look up to and it's like oh wow, comedy heroes I don't think I'd ever want to be in a sketch with them the whole time. I'd be like I have to impress them. I have to hold my own against them. As cool as it would be to be like oh I did a sketch with some of the pythons with Conan O'Brien or the Flight of the Conchords guys. It would be like I'd beat you the whole time and be like That's definitely true.
It was cool doing the AP bio thing with Glenn Howerton and Patton Oswalt and all those people because they're very nice. They're very nice.
But we'd never tell you if they weren't. It's true. It's true, I would lie.
Any other final thoughts on that one? No. Very good. Next.
Here's a very simple one. Thank you. What's your favorite sketch that you have written? Very simple, dead silence.
For me it was the last meal. I like doing big characters and I feel like you don't always get a chance to because it's not really College Humor format or whatever. It was the one where I was in jail and I couldn't decide what my last meal would be.
I had so much fun on set because I could really just be as crazy as I want. I really... I think the NRA sketch. I was glad that first of all I was able to do it. That I was allowed to do it. And yeah, I feel strongly against the NRA. Why did you think you wouldn't be allowed to do it? I don't know. Well no, it's not that I wouldn't think that College Humor would let me do it, but it's more I'm thankful that I'm at a place like College Humor that would allow me to do it because I could easily see that.
Someone's being like, no. This is too political. Why do you hate people being killed by guns? Or we give money to this organization. We can't.
But yeah, I think I'd go with that one. I liked doing low maintenance girl because it was when I just started so it was like when you get to pull out all the books, you don't write for anyone else because you don't have a job doing it. So I got to do kind of weird I got to have subtitles in it for when she's talking stupidly and I got to do a fun visual gag of a dog photo that was like infinite t-shirt dog. You all got it. It was fun character to play.
Yeah.
I don't know. I've gotten this question before. Every time I do, I kind of draw a blank. I feel like all my sketches have blended together in my brain at this point. I don't remember or whatever.
For some years, we have a sketch that did really well and you're like, oh, I was really happy with that. And then if it's topical, it immediately becomes irrelevant. I don't really like that sketch anymore.
I guess I'll say I was very happy with how tall is Grant. I was going to bring that up. It was fun to do visually. Lots of silly little things that looked in it. People responded to it.
I thought I would write this, but this is a sketch just for me. It's a sketch about shooting a sketch and framing things up. This is a very inside sketch and about how specifically tall one cast member is. This is the most inside baseball sketch ever.
And the fact that it did as well as it did was shocking to me. That was fun. You also did the Shining. I love all those series. I guess that's a good point. All the Purge stuff and the Shining stuff and the Chomolone and Man, those are my favorite things.
They're fun. We get to feel like we're making a movie then. They're so fun to shoot. They're just straight parody.
It gives you so much to easily pull from. That's a weird thing in this movie. Let's talk about that for a little bit.
Carl, we'll do our last question here from Montesoix who asks, where did you work immediately before College Humor? I might expand this to just sort of if it's not interesting where you worked immediately before could just be like, what's a job you had before College Humor that you might be interested in talking about? You were here for a long time. Yeah, because I basically out of college I was like an intern and then an assistant so I've been at the company for a long time but I've had like every other role besides being a cast member. Yeah, before that I was just in college. Immediately before here I was at Entertainment Tonight, specifically entertainmenttonight.com.
The web's oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Playing out. It's live folks! That's like getting played off at an awards show.
Can you shut up? Cool cool, very interesting.
Where were you? What's going on with you and your life? Yeah, no I was at Entertainment Tonight and I worked there in different capacities similar to your situation here for nine years and then I came and then I was you guys saved me.
Wait. We can't edit that out. It's just out there now.
Oh, because you're insulting your old company, I see. Why did you explain it? Why did you go deeper? I see because you deeply hate the company and if you ever ask them for a reference they shouldn't grant you I see.
You've shown me the Twitters, okay. Oh God. Great. What about you?
I was freelancing in New York a lot. So immediately immediately I was at MTV doing development for like five weeks. So it's not like a really long job. But then yeah, I was writing stuff for MTV News and Reductress and New Yorker and things like that. Yeah. I was freelancing. I was an assistant at a music company that I will not name. I'm like you. Because I care about my career and my connections. But I've been working forever.
I had a paper out when I was like ten. That was when I was living in Korea and I had a paper out and I also did voice recording for learning English tapes. So somewhere out there in Korea there's like tapes of me saying very simple English phrases so people can learn how to speak English if they also want to hear a small child's voice saying it. But when we moved back to the States I think when I turned fourteen, fifteen, whatever it is that is the youngest age you're allowed to work a part-time job in California. My dad was like congratulations, happy birthday we're getting you a job. And I've basically been working non-stop since then. With those tapes I like to believe that there's like an entire generation of people out there that you made talk like Elmer Fudd. It's a boy. I wasn't that young but I was one of the most embarrassed I've ever been was in one of those taping sessions because I was going to puberty at the time and we were recording my voice. And I had one session that I had to do. It was me and two teenage girls who were maybe like two years older than me maybe and one of the lines that I was delivering my voice cracked like right in the middle of it.
So I was like oh the guy it is blue and the guy who was doing recording it just like flipped out. He was like what is this? What just happened here? What did you do? And he's like listen to this and he replayed it like four times. Wow! How did he not know what that was? I don't know if he thought it was a technical thing or if he thought I was trying to fuck with the recording like being a shitty kid or something or if it was does anyone else hear that?
Teenage girls come on in. Me and these two teenage girls just staring at me and doing this it's like they were good looking girls who were doing entertainment stuff and trying to get a career going.
This fat American kid just like I don't know I'm sorry. Um yeah did anyone else have any like weird or unusual jobs when you were oh no I guess stop it! Don't make fun of me. People who can't see this just are like kissing noises. I accidentally kissed the mic.
Anyway I've also had a job for many years but I worked as a marketing person at tailgating events which was very strange. What were you marketing? Just whatever I was told to. You have come so close to me.
I don't know. Katie what do you mean? For the listeners at home Katie is just articulating wildly and almost hitting rap.
Yeah I would just like pass out t-shirts at like a UCLA football game or something and deal with like drunk people. Was it related to the tailgate event? Yes. So it would be like merchandise or school merchandise or things like that.
A lot of talking to strangers. Oh and I was very bad at it. I had a job selling promotional packages to hair salons. I have no hair. I was like I don't want to say anything. No one bought anything. It was a tough stuff.
I used it. I'm not just a salesman. I'm a user.
When the door slams in your face. Yeah that was pretty wild. That was a good night.
A knife salesman's got like cuts all over his back. No joke. My friend was selling knives of a brand I won't say. Entertainment tonight. But I think we can all guess which one. It's like the only knife that people want themselves.
Sell door to door. And his first like it's like oh cool I'm going to go to the neighbor. I'm going to do this first time demonstrating the knives.
He cut himself hard enough that he got to go to the Oh my god. Super easy to hear. Look how sharp it is. Oh my god. Well that's right.
I worked as an assistant video editor for True Crime television. So it's like all murder shows that you see on like networks that I won't name. And I won't tell you what company I worked for.
Entertainment tonight.
Actually Raph got me the job there. He said I hate it here but he'll love it. And he gave me a list of the people who hate it.
And I also worked in high school, no college. I worked at a hot dog stand at the YMCA. Which is notable because you're a vegetarian. Yes like a bald person selling.
We're writing an Alanis Morissette song.
At the YMCA a hot dog stand? Yeah I was like near the pool outside. A snack. Snack stand. Are you having a stroke? Snack stand but we sold hot dogs.
So I had to make those. This was in college? You had to make the hot dogs? Yeah. Sorry grill film. Not like a big old hot dog machine. It was my summer job when I would come home.
Oh damn it. Cool. Alright well that is it for the questions. And that's it for our time.
Thank you so much for joining us. We're going to keep making more of these.
If you have questions to ask us you can ask on the Dropout Discord. And you can access that by subscribing to Dropout. Or you can also see the video version of this podcast if you're not currently watching it right now.
I'm Mike Trapp. I'm Rekha Shankar. Rafael the Tang.
Just saying. Can't remember much. Alright thanks everyone.
Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_sarah_sherman_and_michael_longfellow_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Good evening Everyone. welcome to weekend Update, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. you guys are not going to believe this, but Alex Jones and Kanye West got together this week and it didn't go great.
Kanye West made anti-semitic jokes and said, i like Hitler, which is also the password he used to get into Mar-a-lago. at this point, I don't think Kanye is off his meds so much as he's immune to them. we're basically dealing with the Omicron variant of Kanye. we thought he'd fade away, but now we realize we may have to live with the brain fog of long-haul Kanye. What I don't understand about this Kanye stuff is: if Jews do control the media, then how are we still seeing a new interview with Kanye every day? Also, if Jews control the media, explain the 80-foot Christmas tree outside of Nbc.
President Biden signed a measure that would force railway workers to accept a deal that averts the strike, but does not include paid sick leave. Why do you expect Biden to care about sick leave when he shows up to work every day with full-blown Cte?
The Senate passed the respect for marriage Act, which solidifies Federal protections for interracial marriages. Okay, but if I marry a white lady, who's going to protect me from my mother?
The Georgia Senate runoffs set records for early voting. Herschel Walker has always encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem.
Colleen. Biden has recommended that South Carolina become the first state to vote in the Democratic primaries to give black voters more of a voice in selecting the 2024 candidate. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump also plans to give black voters a voice with this puppet. there's growing support to move the first Democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina, but why would you just move it to another boring state? you know, start the primaries with a bang in Florida. right? instead of watching a politician eat a corn dog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth shirtless at Gatorland as he battles for the state's key demographic. grandma's under 30. right? You know, at the end of the day, Florida may not give us Fdr or Jfk, but it will definitely give us Hpv.
Federal Jury has found Oath Keepers leader Stuart Rhodes guilty of seditious conspiracy for his actions on January 6. Rhodes plans to appeal to verdict because he feels the trial, like his vision, was very one-sided. questions are being raised about Vladimir Putin's health after he fell down the stairs at his home and soiled himself. questions like, is there a video?
An Apple Factory in China is expected to cut production of iphones by 6 million in response to ongoing worker protests. the workers' main demand is more playtime.
I'm shocked too, guys. I'm so shocked. it was announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reached a settlement in their divorce, and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she maybe had an easier time finding a good lawyer.
So your parents are divorced. was that hard for you? No. I was a tiny little baby. I have no memory of them ever being together. to be honest, until I got older, I wasn't even sure if they knew each other. I remember one time a kid on the playground told me, you know, your parents had sex to have you. and I was like, well, I don't think they've met, so that's stupid. Well, sure, you were aware at some point they'd met, right? I wasn't, And don't call me Shirley. Snakes. snakes on a plane. it's not snakes on a plane. Okay. obviously, the holidays, though, must have been more difficult with divorced parents. I disagree. there are perks to having parents that are always getting married and, you know, divorced and married again.
You ever ask for a brother for Christmas and actually get one? I have. And I didn't have to wait for him to grow up. he came off the shelf ready to go. we were playing Catch that day. Wow, that must have been nice. Must have it. it was.
I'm sorry. And brothers aren't the only thing divorced has given me. it's given me sisters, moms, dads, and all of different genres. like you have. my real dad, who's very strict and quiet and wears suits, And then you have my newest dad, Terry, who's a semi-neutist I've seen naked 43 times. Wait, what? And I'll tell you this, Colin. when you see your mom's boyfriend naked, you think a lot of things, but you don't think it's going to happen 42 more times. Well, I at least hope he has a nice body, you know? Why? You know what? I don't know. never mind.
So are you saying you're then pro-divorce? Well, my dad is a divorce attorney, so put food on my table. Wait, so your father is a divorce attorney, who's also been divorced? multiple times. I mean, this guy walks the walk. is he a bad husband or a workaholic? a man's an artist. he's out in the field getting his hands dirty. But he was still a great dad. he told me everything a kid should know, You know, brush your teeth, do your homework.
If infidelity can't be proven, they're only entitled to 30%. And it's not easy to prove in a court of law. text messages are not enough.
Oh. it's good to know. So it sounds then that your dad enjoys his work. Oh, absolutely. in fact, he met his current wife because he handled her divorce. some would say that's a conflict of interest, but I just say he's got that dog in him. like a long photo, everyone.
All this cowboy's owner, Jerry Jones, is under fire over a picture of him from 1957, where he looks on as black students are stopped from entering his school. Okay, so maybe Jerry Jones was a racist back then. But tell me this. would a racist own a team full of the strongest black men he could buy to work on his field?
No, right? Hawaii's Mona Loa, the world's largest active volcano, began erupting for the first time since 1984. also erupting for the first time since 1984, your aunt watching Yellowstone. this week marks the 40th anniversary of the classic Michael Jackson album, thorough. And say what you will about Michael Jackson, but he definitely had a huge effect on a lot of people's childhoods. I don't know what you guys like. Yeah. the World Health Organization is changing the name of Monkey Pox to M Pox due to concerns that the original could be considered racist, which I didn't even really think was an issue. But now I'm just wondering, what's the N in N95?
Webster announced that his word of the year is gaslighting. gaslighting, if you don't know, is a word my ex made up to magically win arguments that she was losing. law enforcement departments in six European countries arrested nearly 50 drug traffickers who were running a cocaine super cartel. And you know what made the cartel really super? friendship. a police officer at New York State is being called the baby whisperer after he helped deliver his fifth baby in nine years. Only five babies in nine years, said Nick Cannon.
Okay. there you are. Okay. a woman in Atlanta gave birth to her baby in a Mcdonald's. So caution. Wet floor. it was announced that kids cartoon Peppa Pig will introduce a same-sex polar bear couple to its cast of characters. Here to talk about it is a very upset President of the Peppa Pig fan club, Trish Dale. Thanks for having me. Yes, I understand you're pretty upset about this new addition to the show. Michael, I'm more than upset. I'm mad as H-e Single C single K. Wow. you spell it out. you spell out heck. Okay. Michael, you may think I'm overreacting, but parents who love Peppa Pig should get to choose what kind of thing their kids see. what are the characters like?
Well, it's a polar bear girl with two daddies. and one's a doctor and one stays home and makes spaghetti. Well, I think that actually sounds kind of cute. Yeah. it is. it is cute. until they anally enter each other. What? Come on, Michael. sure. in the first episode, they make spaghetti. but you know, as soon as those plates are cleared, they're anally entering each other. And one is a doctor, so he knows just where it goes. Trish, I don't think that's going to happen on the show. Oh, I know. they'll do something innocent, like teach Peppa how to ride a bike. Well, that's nice. And then once Peppa has the hang of it, they'll say, you got this girl. And then they go behind a butcher needle and they enter each other.
Trish, I think the show is just reflecting that gay people exist and that it's just a part of life. it's not a part of life. it hurts. What does? I tried it. Oh. it hurts. And it hurts. And they're polar bears, so you know it's like this big. Imagine that in you. Trish, I think you need to calm down.
I can't.
I've tried everything. I've tried meditation, poppers, and Stillers.
And there's another episode. Oh, Trish, please. there is another episode. where Peppa is having trouble with her math homework. So the bigger polar bear, the more masculine one. says, hey, let's go upstairs and get our calculator.
But then they never come back.
And you want to know why? Do you want to know what they were doing up there, Michael? anally entering each other? showering. Oh, Ok. take care of ready day, sis. How do you know that?
All right, Google Day. I spend all day googling all this stuff because it's sick.
Well, then don't let your kids watch. I don't have kids. anymore. anymore? they grew up. Trish, this is all in your head. the show will never show any of that. And that's why I animated my own so everyone can see exactly what I'm talking about.
Oh. one is the bottom. that's good. Well, that's the twin. Ok. I'm sorry. I hate to interrupt. Oh, who are you? it's ok. I actually watched the show. And it's two polar bear mommies, not two daddies.
What? What is that? No, no, no. it's like, uh. uh-huh. uh. so it's just mashing and mushing?
Oh, that's fine. I'll just take your papers and write. Trish, Dale, everybody. I love it. Well, we can talk to that Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Good night. that's a long photo, everyone. And don't call me Shirley.
Atlas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is under fire over a picture of him from 1957, where he looks on as black students are stopped from entering his school. Ok, so maybe Jerry Jones was a racist back then. But tell me this. would a racist own a team full of the strongest black men he could buy to work on his field?
No, right? the answer's no. Hawaii's Mauna Loa, the world's largest active volcano, began erupting for the first time since 1984. Also erupting for the first time since 1984, your aunt watching Yellowstone. this week marks the 40th anniversary of the classic Michael Jackson album throw. And say what you will about Michael Jackson, but he definitely had a huge effect on a lot of people's childhoods.
I don't know what you guys like him for. the World Health Organization is changing the name of Monkeypox to Mpoc due to concerns that the original could be considered racist, which I didn't even really think was an issue. But now I'm just wondering, what's the N in N95? Announced that this word of the year is gaslighting. gaslighting, if you don't know, is a word my ex made up to magically win arguments that she was losing. law enforcement departments in six European countries arrested nearly 50 drug traffickers who were running a cocaine super cartel. And you know what made the cartel really super? Friendship.
A Police officer at New York State. A police officer at New York State is being called the Baby Whisperer after he helped deliver his fifth baby in nine years. Only five babies in nine years, said Nick Cannon.
Okay, there you are. Okay. a woman in Atlanta gave birth to her baby in a Mcdonald's, So caution, wet floor. it was announced that. it was announced that kids cartoon Peppa Pig will introduce a same-sex polar bear couple to its cast of characters. Here to talk about it is a very upset president of the Peppa Pig fan club, Trish Dale. Well, thanks for having me. Yes, I understand you're. I understand you're pretty upset about this new addition to the show. Michael, I'm more than upset. I'm mad as he, single C, single K. wow, you spell it out, huh? you spell out heck? Okay. Michael, you may think I'm overreacting, but parents who love Peppa Pig should get to choose what kind of thing their kids see.
Well, what are the characters like? Well, it's a polar bear girl with two daddies, and one's a doctor, and one stays home and makes spaghetti. Well, I think that actually sounds kind of cute. Yeah, it is. it is cute. Until they anally enter each other. What? Come on, Michael. sure, in the first episode, they make spaghetti, but you know, as soon as those plates are cleared, they're anally entering each other. And one is a doctor, so he knows just where it goes. Trish, I don't think that's gonna happen on the show. Oh, I know. they'll do something innocent, like teach Peppa how to ride a bike. Well, that's nice. And then once Peppa has the hang of it, they'll say, you got this girl, and then they go behind a butcher needle to enter each other.
Trish, I think the show is just reflecting that gay people exist and that it's just a part of life. it's not a part of life. it hurts. What does? I tried it. it hurts, and it hurts, And they're polar bears, so you know it's like this big. Imagine that in you. Trish, I think you need to calm down.
I can't.
I've tried everything. I've tried meditation, poppers, and still hurts.
And there's another episode where. Oh, Trish, please. there's another episode where Peppa is having trouble with her math homework, so the bigger polar bear, the more masculine one, says, hey, let's go upstairs and get our calculator, but then they never come back. And you want to know why? do you want to know what they were doing up there, Michael? anally entering each other? showering. Oh, okay. to get ready to eight on the entry time, because it's a whole process. How do you know that?
I Googled it. I spend all day googling all this stuff because it's sick.
Well, then don't let your kids watch. I don't have kids. anymore. anymore? they couldn't walk. Trish, this is all in your head. the show will never show any of that. And that's why I animated my own, so everyone can see exactly what I'm talking about.
One is the bottom. that's good. that's the twist. Okay. I'm sorry. I hate to interrupt. How far? how far are you? It's okay. it's okay. I actually watched the show, and it's two polar bear mommies, not two daddies. What? what is that? it's like, uh-huh. uh-huh. Oh. so it's just mashing and mushing? Oh, that's fine. take your papers.
Trish, Dale, everybody. Oh, My. God! Well, we can knock it on. Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Good night. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_13_03_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates News Bulletin here recording live from downtown Batutah in the Old City District in the Budgie Smuggler booth. Now they are our sponsors I'm sure you're aware by now and autumn is around for a little bit longer there's still plenty of time to get out there and swim. So if you've got the type of rig that you're proud of regardless of how it looks you should purchase yourself a pair of Budgie Smugglers and get out there taking the raise while you can because it's going to be a cold winter with a lot of fucking flu and by flu I mean bat flu and by bat flu I mean the coronavirus it hasn't really hit us yet and it will and when it does we're fucked. So head to budgiesmuggler.com.au and pick up a pair.
Now I'm Clancy Overall you might know that by now editor of the Batutah Advocates today I'm joined of course by Errol Parker editor at large. Hello Errol. Hello Clancy. And of course Wendell Hussey the Sylvia Jeffries of the Diamantina Shire how are you Wendell? Very well thank you Clancy just got back to dolphins training and I'm allowed to play in a couple of weeks time so I'm going very well indeed.
That's of course the Channel Country Rugby League crowds aren't canceled over the next couple weeks due to this coronavirus it's fucking everywhere they're canceling everything except the NRL and we've reported about it quite diligently take us away there Wendell. This finally hits home as Ascot mum forced to reconsider Tuscany in July. Horrible news that is and for our listeners who aren't familiar with the inner suburbs of Brisbane Ascot is quite a posh suburb it's your two racks it's your whatever they have in Sydney it's your Mossman whatever in Christ name they have in Adelaide don't really know. Everywhere in Adelaide is nice. The inner cities of Darwin down near the casino down there. This woman must be from a high income household and she's forced to reconsider Tuscany in July it is horrible news and with casual blue collar workers across the country forced to stay away from their workplace without pay older working class Australians have their super disappearing before their eyes and a full blown recession is about to hit Australia things are looking pretty grim for a lot of people but no one has been worse hit than Ascot's Lorraine Silver Spoon her much deserved holiday is in doubt it looks. There's a comment on that one from Simon Holdsworth who said all is not lost love at least you'll still be able to get your PE nation active wear delivered and get the hired help to fetch the pork medallions from your bespoke butcher just imagine the K's that you'll be saving on your rangey.
Next story Wendell. Old Coastie who missed out on toilet paper has been chest deep in the surf for going on 30 minutes now. Yes yes the toilet paper hysteria spread right across the country one bloke who missed out was local surf club legend Timbo Loudmouth Leonard he reckons he's sick of all the hysteria around this bloody bat flu and he won't be letting it control his life. So instead of panicking apparently he heads down to the surf club every morning however one day this week he got down there to find himself staring at an empty toilet paper holder and realized he was in a bit of trouble he had no poo tickets no paper towels not even the courier mail he said and at some point he realized the situation was getting quite grave and he waded out into the big blue bin for a little while. Our reporter obviously didn't follow him out there but noted that he was standing quite calmly for roughly half an hour and then left like the oversized cat he is.
And understandably there were lots of disgusting names for aqualogs in the comments section of that article like Chiquito Bondi Mullets and Burly Bobbers. The Bondi Cigar is a famous one not so much aquabogs more uh sewerage before it Bondi was known for having a lot of shit floating in it.
Moving along to some international news now and Zuckerberg left reeling after Boomer denies Facebook permission to use personal data. I've heard this is quite common Wendell that you know a Boomer will say I do not give permission to Facebook to use my data or photos which of course trumps Mark Zuckerberg where he stands. Yeah and that's often followed by a giant chunk of text referencing things like the Rome statute and vague legal principles that may or may not exist. Anyway moving on what else is in the news there Wendell?
Local news and a bartender has preemptively directed ING card holder to the cheapest tap beer this week. Yes the disciples of the Barefoot Investor and their orange cards seem to be everywhere nowadays however one bartender at the French Quarter knows how to read them like a book. She works down there at the Sailing Lumberjack and she says when she's approached by an ING holder, a Barefoot Disciple, she usually makes some sort of crack about a spend or splurge joke to see if she can get a tip. Hasn't happened yet because the Barefoot Disciples are renowned for being so tight with their money and in fact she usually directs them to that green tap with that big VB on it.
Finishing off with some sports news now and local man finally wins over the father-in-law with ability to supply footy livestream during distant family friend's wedding. Yeah it's a heartwarming story from Batuda Heights this week. One alpha patriarch who previously described his son-in-law as a fucking wet blanket who wasn't anywhere good enough to be seeing his daughter, performed a complete u-turn after the young man pulled out a live stream of the footy. Yep the old KO comes in handy doesn't it Clance? You can take the footy anywhere and for this young man it's proven to be worth its weight gold.
Let's just see if he can get through Christmas because that is the real tester and the Boxing Day test is still on free to air as far as we know. Yep but a little life hack coming from Errol here, if you find the Christmas period a bit tedious you should try smoking some marijuana before you go out to Christmas lunch. Sage advice. And on that note we'll wrap up the bulletin for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Don't forget to join us again in seven days time for your weekly fix of honest hard-hitting regional news.
Yes the disciples of the Barefoot Investor and their orange cards seem to be everywhere nowadays. However one bartender at the French Quarter knows how to read them like a book. She works down there at the Sailing Lumberjack and she says when she's approached by an ING holder, a Barefoot Disciple, she usually makes some sort of crack about a spend or splurge joke to see if she can get a tip. Hasn't happened yet because the Barefoot Disciples are renowned for being so tight with their money and in fact she usually directs them to that green tap with a big VB on it.
Finishing off with some sports news now and local man finally wins over the father in law with ability to supply footy live stream during distant family friend's wedding. Yes a heartwarming story from Battuta Heights this week. One alpha patriarch who previously described his son-in-law as a fucking wet blanket who wasn't anywhere good enough to be seeing his daughter performed a complete U-turn after the young man pulled out a live stream of the footy. Yep the old KO comes in handy doesn't it Clance? Can take the footy anywhere and for this young man it's proven to be worth its weight gold.
Let's just see if he can get through Christmas because that is the real tester and the boxing day test is still on free-to-air as far as we know. Yep but a little life hack coming from Errol here if you find the Christmas period a bit tedious you should try smoking some marijuana before you go out to Christmas lunch. Sage advice and on that note we'll wrap up the bulletin for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Don't forget to join us again in seven days time for your weekly fix of honest hard-hitting regional news. |
TheOnion | Adjusting_Several_Sliders_On_Recording_Studio_s_Mixing_Console_Pays_Off_Big_Time | I-90 adds a lane for drivers traveling cross country to stop a woman from marrying the wrong man. A job applicant totally nails an interview with the person who will make his life a living hell for the next five years, and adjusting several sliders on a recording studio's mixing console pays off big time. Equipped with patented video technology capable of making still images appear to be in motion, this is the Onion Week in Review.
This week, a study published by researchers at Johns Hopkins University revealed a direct correlation between breastfeeding and knowing exactly what's best for other people at all times. Overwhelming evidence indicated that the moment mothers begin breastfeeding, they develop a highly honed sense of what is wrong with others' approach to life, and were able to loudly enumerate those faults with total confidence in their accuracy. Researchers noted that the practice greatly boosted a young mother's immunity to the viewpoints of others.
Longtime Louisiana State Penitentiary death row guard Dwayne McFadden admitted to reporters this week that he's always had a soft spot reserved for the innocent ones. McFadden said that among the guiltless, condemned men he's encountered, he's warmed up to all types, from those who couldn't afford legal representation and were assigned incompetent public defenders, to those who were put away on fabricated police evidence and later recanted testimony. Even though you can't single them out for preferential treatment, after a while you can't help softening up a bit.
Maybe give them ten extra minutes outside their cell each day, or a couple of extra library books. You know, little things here and there.
A new study issued by the American Psychological Association this week found that adolescent boys do not reach adulthood until avenging the murder of their father. New imaging studies suggest that the frontal cortex goes through extensive changes during the period of training when an adolescent boy prepares himself to track down and kill the man who took his father's life. Now if they let their father's killer slip through their grasp, or if they press the barrel of a gun to the back of his head and then realize they don't have what it takes to pull the trigger, then the amygdala is definitively stunted and they'll have lifelong problems interpreting emotional information.
And in this week's Tech Report, a start-up is very casual about its dress code and benefits.
In other news, the Secretary of Interior says knocking down the Rocky Mountains could really open up the nation.
Cannibal Corpse is heard blasting from the papal apartment window, and a woman is not going to let her husband of 60 years drag her into death at the same time. This has easily been the best two minutes of my godless existence. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. This greatly boosted a young mother's immunity to the viewpoints of others.
Longtime Louisiana State Penitentiary death row guard Dwayne McFadden admitted to reporters this week that he's always had a soft spot reserved for the innocent ones. McFadden said that among the guiltless, condemned men he's encountered, he's warmed up to all types, from those who couldn't afford legal representation and were assigned incompetent public defenders, to those who were put away on fabricated police evidence and later recanted testimony. Even though you can't single them out for preferential treatment, after a while you can't help softening up a bit.
Maybe give them 10 extra minutes outside their cell each day, or a couple of extra library books. You know, little things here and there.
A new study issued by the American Psychological Association this week found that adolescent boys do not reach adulthood until avenging the murder of their father. New imaging studies suggest that the frontal cortex goes through extensive changes during the period of training when an adolescent boy prepares himself to track down and kill the man who took his father's life. Now if they let their father's killer slip through their grasp, or if they press the barrel of a gun to the back of his head and then realize they don't have what it takes to pull the trigger, then the amygdala is definitively stunted and they'll have lifelong problems interpreting emotional information.
And in this week's tech report, a startup is very casual about its dress code and benefits.
In other news, the Secretary of Interior says knocking down the Rocky Mountains could really open up the nation.
Cannibal Corpse has heard blasting from the papal apartment window, and a woman is not going to let her husband of 60 years drag her into death at the same time. This has easily been the best two minutes of my godless existence.
For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheOnion | More_American_Workers_Outsourcing_Own_Jobs_Overseas | A new report from the Department of Labor finds an increasing number of American workers are outsourcing their jobs. For more on this crucial issue, let's go to Joshua Russell in the Money Room. Thanks, Brendan. For years, corporations have been outsourcing their labor to developing nations as a way to cut costs. But recently, many individual employees have been sending their own work overseas.
I take the money that I would have spent on coffee and pay someone in India to do my job for me. It's allowed me to unleash my full potential. Philadelphia accountant Donald Felton outsources the majority of his daily workload to Jahanara Kashim, an accountant based in Bangalore, India. I get my assignment from my supervisor and I send it off to Jahanara. Sometimes I'll look at it when it's done, but usually everything's right. Mr. Kashim says he's extremely happy with the 68 cents an hour Donald pays him. I'm able to feed my family and Mr. Felton can devote more time to his fantasy football team. Russell is just one of the close to 700,000 workers who've come to rely on overseas labor. I've actually gotten two raises since Jahanara started. He's really good at doing my work.
But it's not just lower-level employees who have embraced the trend. At Donald's firm, many senior-level managers are now outsourcing their jobs as well. Workers representing the company's executive officers meet via conference call every Friday.
There is totally a solution. I don't think the management will agree with those cuts. If used very strongly, we need the consultant to... I don't believe this paradigm should be a solution. We're going to have to get him around in the same team here.
Some overseas workers have done so well, they've been able to outsource their own outsourced work to those even poorer than themselves. I pay a starving manager company one handful of times per day to fill out the expense reports that were sent to me from the U.S. Analysts predict that if the trend continues by 2025, the world's poorest man, Ahmed Khalili of Afghanistan, will be doing 83 percent of the globe's work.
It's a scenario that would suit Donald Felton just fine. I'm trying to get to a point where I can just lay in one place and not have to do anything ever. With The Onion News Network, I'm Joshua Russell. Thanks, Joshua.
Personal outsourcing is expected to grow as much as 20 percent over the next five years, according to the Filipino team that completed the Department of Labor's report. Coming up next, a new study finds the meth epidemic is hitting worthless Americans hardest. |
SaturdayNightLive | robert_goulet_s_red_ships_of_spain_snl | Red Ships of Spain, Red Ships of Spain, The Voice is back. Red Ships of Spain, will our love ever be the same? Robert Goulet is Captain Ferdinand Pancho in Red Ships of Spain. Voice the main sail and scuttle the ship, We won't come home for a fortnight, for reasons undetermined. Yes, the majesty of Robert Goulet, the man Time Magazine once mentioned. But that's not all, because for the first time ever, Sir Robert Goulet is joined by his brother, West Goulet as First Mate Sebastian Elcorizone. Robert and West Goulet on stage together at last. it doesn't get any better than this. Or does it? Because for the next two weeks, older brother Ken Goulet will join his brothers as Tiagra, the pirate and spice trader. Red Ships of Spain, Red Ships of Spain.
Sandra Pelton of The San Francisco Chronicle says, I don't think that legally this qualifies as theater. Gil Jacobs of the New York Times says, an absolutely horrible show. it was opening night and two of the Goulet brothers were already using understudies. Diane Carbonell, Cincinnati Dispatch writes, it's the most upsetting experience I've ever had in a theater. the only time the audience applauded was when I whipped a battery at the actors. with plenty of laughs for the entire family. and plenty of adventure.
And of course, a little bit of romance with Robert Goulet's daughter, Sheila Goulet as the sexy Princess Consuela. I'm here to feel your gentle kisses in my chest hairs. wait! wait!
I've had enough of gold and trinkets and jugs of wine. what? Sergeant, you've gone crazy. it's Captain Ken. And maybe you would know that if you'd memorize your lines instead of drinking straight Kahlua in the theater bathroom. you're a drunk! Easy, Robert. Ken never had the gifts you had. Damn you, Robert! I should never have saved you from drowning all those years ago. you're a loser, Ken. that's why I. that was long overdue. That's it! show's over! for me!
Yes, it's Red Ships of Spain. book and score by an author who, due to an ongoing legal battle with Goulet Enterprises, will not be named in this advertisement. Yes, Red Ships of Spain. the hot new musical at the Nederlander Theatre. Tony Dungy from The Houston Dispatch writes, I really don't think it occurred to Mr. Goulet that he was playing a romantic scene opposite his daughter. James Gund of American Theatre Magazine writes, true Story.
I fell asleep during the production and when I woke up, was so convinced that I was still dreaming. I got up on stage and walked around.
The odd thing is, the show is such an ugly mess that no one seemed to notice or care. So go see it. Red Ships of Spain. tickets start at $90. so see it today. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | senator_jacqui_lambie_talks_to_betoota_about_going_piggin_with_pauline_hanson | all right well we've stumbled into an old friend here miss Jackie Lambie the Palmer United senator from Tasmania how are you this morning Jackie ah yes the power you know I'm an independent senator from Tasmania these days I have to get you boys we get the light male up in butuda Jackie that's finished even buried is it yeah that's news in butuda we only just put a candidate forward you guys gotta stop listening to rumors tell us a little bit about your relationship with Pauline Hanson we ran an article we've got the good oil through you know through sources and in the New England area that you guys were at pig shooting together Oh pig shooting absolutely but Pauline couldn't hit the target which is very unfortunate yeah one shot and one dead pig from Jackie Lambie that's how it works dear me so would you say that you're close to Pauline I don't even know Pauline Hanson I sat with her around the table at a dinner about 18 months ago and other than that I don't actually know her personally so I give credit for Pauline she keeps getting up and having a shot but you know I certainly don't come in to learn with some of her policies or what she says for the future of Australia Jackie will you commit to coming out and joining us in August for the butuda races we'd love to have you we'd love to introduce you to a few cowboys out there we're gonna have a good time if you want to come along oh she says I travel already doesn't it we'll fly into birds will get you down there we've got a little valiant that'll do the back and forth and we can get you there it's a bit of fun that six hundred people turn out I'll tell you what guys I won't make any promises but we'll have a look and if you put a request through to my office will I'm forgetting early enough I may just be able to make it up there for you how about that we'd love to have you Jack and I can show you how to shoot a pig oh that's good shot that's it she's on fire Jackie Lambie thank you Jackie thank you thanks very much |
SaturdayNightLive | retired_nbc_anchors_saturday_night_live | All right. I'll go for that.
Hey, first I got canned, then Ellerbe got canned. now you got canned, Ed. hey, it's a small world, huh? Hey, small network.
Actually, Tom, I retired voluntarily. Right, you retired voluntarily, just like Nixon.
Well, Ed, I must run. But first, this. to Edwin Newman, great newsman, And so it goes, and so do I. Thank you. good night, Linda. good night, Ed, and good night for Nbc News. You know, Ed, that broad talk's funny.
I guess it's time for me to buy you a drink, huh? Hey, I want to hear about this so-called retirement of yours. I'll be right back after this brief message. Hey, bartender. two pruskies, huh? Now, tell me about this firing. retiring. Well, I'll tell you the truth, Tom. the Tv news business is a different business these days. it is.
All right, all right, all right, Ed. I'll go with that.
I mean, in your day, an anchorman can also be a critic, a reporter, a commentator. I mean, nowadays, anchormans, they may only do one thing. it's this highly specialized skill. well, maybe if you call smiling a skill. nowadays, how someone's mouth looks is more important than what comes out of it. Networks. Why can't the networks teach their anchors how to speak instead of how to style their hair and pick a suit that's chic? They dress like fashion models. they all look like Mark Spitz, and they sound as though they learned their English at Berlitz. they read the news with foot and mouth instead of tongue and cheek. Why can't the anchors learn to speak?
Hey, Ed, all right. Hey, did you ever think of going on Star Search? Hey, Ed Newman and Ed Mcmahon. news and booze. But Ed, don't you think you're exaggerating a little bit? well, maybe a little, but I'll tell you what. What's that?
You give me anybody with a pleasant voice. sufficiently pleasant voice, enough hair, and I'll turn him into a network anchorman. All right, sir. well, how about Blondie over there? Well, I've seen more promising material, but what the hell? it's a bet you're on. we shake on it. All right, let's do it. let's go over there. Hey, bartender, get the hell over here, will you? Hey, your beer's there. Yeah, look, me and my buddy over here, we made a little wager. he thinks he could turn anybody into a news anchorman. Well, that shouldn't be too hard.
I used to read the news on Saturday Night Live. I'm Brad Hall. the bet's off.
Now, now. Ed, Ed, we shook on it. Well, okay, okay. what do you say, young man? would you like to be a network news anchor? Gee, Mr. Newman, more than anything in the whole world. all I want is a desk somewhere. thirty minutes of network air. someone to spray my hair. Oh, wouldn't I be newsworthy? wouldn't it be newsworthy? wouldn't what be newsworthy? the bet's off. Now, now, Ed, strictly speaking, strictly speaking. Well, if you put it that way. let's try something, shall we?
Brad, who's the Leader of Iran? Iran.
The. the Iacocca.
Ayatollah.
Free dance lessons. No, not quite. it means pain. Ah. Now, repeat after me.
Iranians' pains come mainly from Khomeini's. Iranians' pains come mainly from Khomeini. Try it again. Iranians' pains come mainly from Khomeini's.
I think he's got it. All right, I'll buy that. Khomeini's reign is mainly based on pain. let's try something a bit more difficult. Okay.
Environmental Pollution in the Northeast. Northeast.
Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain. Why, George, he's got it. if you say so, sir. terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain. And where's the acid rain?
In Maine. And what can they do in Maine?
Complain, complain. Iranians' pains come mainly from Khomeini's.
Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain. |
TheOnion | Cubs_Finally_Remove_Wrigley_Field_Ivy_After_Third_Outfielder_Hangs_Himself_On_A_Vine | Ugh, players camping out at their positions waiting for the All-Star break to end is a recipe for Lyme disease. It's good for team chemistry, you're just afraid of tents Kenny. Never trust a structure that has no bricks, that does it for sleep sessions, now roll over and rub your eyes out, it's time for the face off. The Cubs are tearing down 100 years of tradition, removing the signature Wrigley Field Ivy after their third outfielder this year hanged himself on a vine. It's irresponsible to tempt ball players with convenient means of suicide. Just last week Joe Mather tracked a home run to the wall and never returned to his position. Andrew McCutchen found him dangling limply by his neck the next day. Hey, when you come to Wrigley you're taking part in a culture of grim self reckoning. I remember skipping school to sit in a bleachers and watch Billy Williams wrestle with the alluring whisper of the Ivy noose. Tell that to the pants of Tony Campana Kenny, he was a spry 26-year-old a year away from free agency, caught a fly ball, strung himself up, ran a tech all the way from first, Cubs lost. I'll save your tears, there are hundreds of minor leaguers dying to die in a Wrigley noose.
Don't tell me how to spend my tears, I'm the real B-Ball and the big news that a 30-way trade has left every single NBA player in either Miami, the Lakers, Chicago or New York. Everyone wins, now the Stars can play together while small market teams can save money on players and just sell tickets to watch dancers and listen to Jock James. That trade doesn't go far enough, LeBron and Dwight are united but they still have to play Kobe and to win. Doc, basketball still requires at least two teams. Bats for me, true basketball is one team traveling from city to city making dunks and selling jerseys.
Speaking of going to new cities Peyton Manning is electrifying Denver with his precise thoroughly prepared shopping. This is why the Bronx sign them, experience, great store vision and he studies security tapes so he knows efficient all routes. Tebow get off the Peyton buy wagon, we have no idea how his neck will react to the next eye-popping deal, his head may roll right off. Think you're a better judge than John Elway, one of the all-time great shoppers? God could hit a cashier with exact change from 60 yards away. Elway's hand was forced, he had to replace Tebow who just moved stuff around on the shelves and couldn't tell soup from shirts. Tebow always got the purchase he wanted right before the store closed.
Okay, if you're still watching the face-off stop because it's over. Until next time. God Jeez. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_anomalous_man_snl | Bravo! Mr. Beckwith, the play tonight was extraordinary. a real triumph. Thank you, Miss Emily.
I must meet the playwright. I'm afraid he's rather private. Please, I feel like our souls are one, and yet I only know him as the anomalous Man. if you insist. I must warn you, even if you are shocked by his appearance, you mustn't show it. it would destroy him.
Peter, you have a guest. a guest? for me? Are you ever so sure? Hello, Peter.
I'm Miss Emily. Miss, please don't look at me. Hi, Mama Monster. it Is Mama Monster. you're not a monster.
I happen to think you're the most wonderful man I've ever seen. Well, that's very kind. would you like to have dinner with me, Peter? Well, I'd like that very much.
I repost you, do I not? I repost everyone.
No, no, it's ok. I like to watch you hook down food. it reminds me of back home. on the farm.
Oh. what's wrong, Peter? Well, I've never known the pleasure of a woman's touch before. Oh, my. Can it seem? Yes, and you've never looked more beautiful.
Ready? yes, let me just pack my meager belongings. ready? Goodbye, old room. goodbye, old life.
And hello. Are you happy, Peter?
I am one of the sorrowful ones. And yet you have brought light into a heart that is only known darkness.
Good night, my Prince. are you texting someone? no. what did you just hide? Nothing. Oh, my God, you have a second phone. just for work and such. she's asleep.
Wash that ass and get to the Holiday Inn. I'm trying to show you what this snout do. pretty sure that's work-related. P.s. feeling horny as a mover. I think maybe that was a typo. I responded, i'm going to ride your face till it looks normal. wrong number, perhaps. You sent her this picture with the caption, Pov, you're about to get railed by a weirder. I can help but write poetry. poetry, like this, your butt, my face, prayer, hands, emoji.
I think I'll just be going now. how many more phones do you have? Who's to say, really? I want you out of here. just packing my meager things. have you seen my pile of dust? Get out, you ugly freak!
You know, we never really said we were exclusive, but Ok. would you like that? Yes, I would. a lady like you likes that. Yes, I certainly would.
What? are you serious? he said I brought light to a heart that had only known darkness. that's what he said to everyone. What? get out of here, you pig.
I'm going. he is a great writer. I mean, yeah, he's a genius. |
dropout | Sam_Reich_Launches_Dropout_America_Breaking_News_Full_Episode | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Sam Reich. And I'm Sam Reich. Our top story tonight, billionaire owner of Dropout TV, Sam Reich, has announced a new conservative media venture known as Dropout America. Reich released a statement saying, these woke libs with their green hair and loser bicycles want to tax me out of my vacation home to pay for some kid I've never met to third grade. I call bullshit. The game changer host went on to say that poor people should have to pay to use the fire department and that we should get rid of libraries because they attract, quote, the wrong types. The move comes amid the Dimension 20 contestants' recent shift toward overt right wing politics contestant, the seven most conservative things Sam Reich has said recently are, I feel like being poor is a choice.
The only mental health I need is at the bottom of a bottle of Budweiser. I don't drink. The Statue of Liberty is the only woman I respect.
That one's layered. You've got four more. I know, I'm putting way too much mustard on these. Take your time, we edit these.
The only difference between France and Germany is that they're too ethnic. Donald Trump gets a bad rap. Also, I don't care for rap.
Two more. The greatest American sport is fishing and the one after that is tax evasion. And I was glad to see Trebek go. Dropout America under Reich's dictator-like control will feature a slate of alt-right programming. Adam Carolla will host a talk show called Cancelled in which he interviews C-list comedians and faded glory athletes on their political beliefs. They've announced five other shows along these lines. Fly fishing with Sam. Who's gonna get deported today? And a spinoff series, Kids in Cages. And a fourth show, Stars and Stripes and Titties Forever. And the fifth show is Get Back in the Kitchen.
Sorry, I'm coming out of the fugue state of the horror that is this episode to do this next line there. Those closest to Reich are offering stories to illuminate the shift in tone. Here to comment is his wife, Elaine Carroll. You have got to be kidding. Sam has changed.
The other day, I heard him say to a delivery guy, you want a tip? Here's a tip. Next time, call me sir. Now I'm giving you to the count of 10 to get off my property before I get five iron and take out the headlights on that so-called car of yours.
And when I was like, that's totally inappropriate, he was like, yeah, whatever. I could have totally kicked that guy's ass. Oh, I can't say ass anymore? Thanks a lot, Dr. Fauci. After that, he just started crying. He also told me that he wished that instead of having a cat and a dog, we had two guns.
We'll continue with team coverage of this development. Here's Sam Reich live from Reich's palatial new mansion. Hello, Sam. I'm coming to you live from the worst part of Los Angeles, Beverly Hills.
Sam Reich has settled into a sprawling estate with a tennis court, a climbing wall and a small vineyard, which is odd because Sam is famously allergic to alcohol. That's true. There's debate as to whether he bought the winery out of spite so that no one else could have the grapes or if he's been faking his allergy the whole time just to be an asshole. There's word that Sam fakes most of his allergies. It's a Munchausen syndrome thing.
Sam gave a few reporters a tour, wearing only an open bathrobe and a pair of briefs. There was a swimming pool that can only be described as porny, complete with a grotto and a hot tub that he continually pointed out was body temperature before winking. He told us that we should all come back that night because the place would be absolutely crawling with sexy models.
Then he got a turkey leg from somewhere and ate it while he walked. The turkey grease got in his chest here and he just rubbed it in. Was there any other food? No, Sam said he's not much of a foodie and just eat whatever trash is lying around.
I broke off from the tour and got a look at his bedroom. What I saw there shocked me and I'll need at least 90 seconds to describe it in detail. I looked to my left. There was just a large, straight up elephant head that it had written on it in its own blood, I did this, comma, me, Sam Reich did this. I did this by myself. Disgusting. I looked over to my right.
There was an animal that was even more rare. A bunch of those owls that everybody's talking about.
Just their heads literally taped to the wall. He didn't even bother properly hanging them. He just taped them, it looked like scotch tape.
On the floor there was just straight up maple syrup just literally all over the place. I accidentally stepped in it, I got stuck to the ground. So how long had it been there? Who knows? Maple syrup is one of the few sweeteners that I can have given my allergies. I'll never forget what I've seen here today.
What a terrible energy to begin an interview with. Yeah, that's my vibe now. I'm sick of pretending to be a friendly, affable, nice guy. I'm very mean and it's time you all knew it. Now I'm gonna say some things that I've wanted to say for a long time. Oh boy, these are my real thoughts.
If someone clips them from this video and I try to say later that it was out of context, I'm lying. I'm not using the prompter right now. This is totally off the dome. Grant, you son of a bitch.
First of all, teachers and nurses should be paid less. What's a nurse? Stock a vending machine with Advil and it can do the same job. And if teachers want to make more money, they should be smart enough to be principal.
Second of all, I think that ladies bras should have a second underwire that's just there to poke them. Bras should hurt.
That's my opinion. Oh my God. My three favorite actors are Kevin Spacey, Woody Allen, and Woody Spacey. A deep fake hybrid of the two that I made on my Dell. Oh yeah, I love Dells.
Please no. Dungeons and Dragons is bad. And so are game shows. I miss the Hollywood blacklist. Just in case it ever comes back, here are five friends of mine that I know are card-carrying communists.
Grant O'Brien, Mike Schabach, the director of this episode, David Kerns, a producer on this episode, Chloe Badner, production designer on this episode, and Justin Searle, who is also on the crew of this episode. Cole is good. The only thing that would make Cole better would be if it was dirtier and if Woody Spacey owned a coal mine.
When I go to restaurants with friends, I do that thing where I wait for them to say this one's on me. And then I say, no, no, please let me pay for half knowing full well that they will refuse.
Plays suck, theater sucks, how dare you? Samuel Beckett sucks. I'm sorry, Sam. If I ever try to go to a play again, the usher should refuse to seat me because I'll steal something from the set if I get a chance. Speaking of plays, Abraham Lincoln deserved it.
Here are three more controversial opinions of mine. Director, please don't let this episode move on unless these opinions are truly, truly awful. Oh boy. Rice is more flavorful than it gets credit for. That's something I actually believe. Survivor is a brilliant show, straight up genius. Jeff Probst really knows what he's doing. Mixing patterns in terms of clothing is loud and I don't like it. Finally, sushi should have grapes. That is not my actual opinion.
To be clear where the teleprompter picked up. Back to you in the studio, you dicks. That was horrible. That's it for us, but before we go, we'll announce that tonight's loser is Sam Reich. As punishment, they have to watch me eat this sushi made with grapes.
No. Well, I guess we're going off keto. The good news here is that rice is more flavorful than it gets credit for. Okay, here we go. I bet it'll be good. Oh, I could hear it. That was an audible pop. You want some? No, that'd be crazy. Is it good? Weirdly, yeah, it's quite good. Yeah, yeah. Really? Okay. |
dropout | hardly_working_porky_piggin_it | Okay guys, I hate to bring this up, but HR has been getting some pretty serious complaints from some of the other floors. While I'm not going to institute a dress code, we are going to have to start dressing more appropriately for work.
Hey guys, sorry I'm late. What did I miss? You see, this is exactly what I mean. Adam, what are you doing? Oh, sorry. I'm porky picking it today. Why?
I read this article about it on Lifehacker. It's supposed to be awesome. They say it's so much better for you.
That's ludicrous. No more ludicrous than you wearing those five-toed shoes. Wait a minute. First of all, hard-souled shoes are the gulags of the feet. Secondly, these are incredibly fashionable.
Hey guys, how's it going? FYI, I am mini-mouthing it this week, so oh my gosh, are you porky picking it?
I support that so hard. It is such a positive thing to do. Oh my god, thank you.
You can't dress like this at work.
Hey guys, I'm Daffy Duckin. Leave this room immediately. You're despicable. I'm gadgeting. Well, that one's not so bad, but it's Rescue Rangers. Come on. Seriously? Jiminy Cricket at your service. It's not a badge, I'm coming through. You know what? Screw HR. I'm in. I'm Marvin the Martianing.
Whoa. Whoa, dude. Whoa.
What? Marvin the Martian wears gloves.
Right. That's it. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kyle_mooney_and_sarah_sherman_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. what's your date on Michael Che? I'm Colin Jost. Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th, tomorrow is a super blood moon, and according to the most annoying person you know, mercury is in retrograde. Is it me or does it every story this week sound like the opening voiceover in a Mad Max movie? the year is 2022, a virus rages across the planet, digital money has collapsed, infants have nothing to eat, women are forced to breed, men are ready to die for gasoline, and we suffer under the leadership of the one known only as Joe. cryptocurrency crashed this week with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value, and now it has to legally change its name to Bit-o-coin. in fact, the entire crypto market has lost over a trillion dollars, But don't worry, you can make that money back fast as long as you've been hoarding baby formula. you know, this baby formula shortage is scary.
I mean, babies are very sensitive, you can't just feed them anything. I once tried to give my little nephew something different than his usual formula, and he nearly choked on that hot wing bone.
The January 6th Committee has subpoenaed five sitting Republican congressman after they refused to testify voluntarily, said the republican congressman, you can't force us to do anything, we're not pregnant. Senator Mitch Mcconnell, seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for adoption, led a congressional delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today. It's weird, because usually when Mcconnell shows up by surprise, it's behind you in the bathroom mirror.
Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to $4,000 in expenses every year. the only catch is you got to do it during your eight minute lunch break. there is renewed speculation about Vladimir Putin's health after he was photographed at a military parade with a heavy blanket across his lap. But hear me out, maybe the blanket is because thinking about war gets some hard as hell. the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.c. has been sold for a reported $375 million. well, I wouldn't say reported, said the Irs. a member of the punk rock group Pussy Ride, which has long protested Vladimir Putin, revealed that she fled the country disguised as a food delivery worker, which explains this notification from Doordash. Apple announced that after 20 years, it will stop production of its ipod touch because Apple products become obsolete once they're older than the kids who make them. The New York Times said it changed the answer for Monday's Wordle, which was fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story. tough news for psychos whose first wordle guess is always fetus.
With Disney Plus' new Obi-wan Kenobi series on the way, it's a great time to be a Star Wars fan. here to catch us up on all things. Star Wars is baby Yoda. what's up, Baby Yoda?
I love you too. How's life? you got a new vibe. life is all good, Michael. real good. of course, Season Three, a man don't cover that. blah, blah, blah, blah. work, work, work. But yeah, it is all very enlightening time for me. Because actually, I'm spiritual now. that's right. you study the ways of the force, right? Okay, relax, nerd. you know what an Ayahuasca retreat is? Yeah, sure. yeah, so I basically did that, but with a bunch of pills and weed and instead of a spiritual God walking us through it, my boy Tom Holland got on the ox cable and I saw God. I was like, oh, snap. got it. Well, sounds like a great time. just make sure you stay safe, man. No, don't tell me what to do. But yeah, I'm feeling really peaceful these days. or getting into crystals, rain sticks, spicy guacamole. even got a little community going, very mindful individuals. Yeah, it's all me, Jared Leno, Santana featuring Ron Thomas, Bob the Builder, and Tila Tequila. it sounds like a good crew, dude. yeah, it's a cult. but look, I love everyone, man. even my haters.
Really? because you had some strong words for one hater in particular over the years. Yeah, that's true. but I'm older now. And I just want to say, baby, I know we had our issues. but I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I really, really don't like you. And next time I see you, I will chop you down like palm onion, sprinkle you on my blood, and smoke you while I'm in the hot tub with your girl. that being said, I love you. and I've always got your back.
What? Come on, man. I'm just a baby. baby Yoda, everybody. Well, guys, just in.
The winner of this year's Eurovision Song Contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group from Ukraine.
And this is cool. if you combine every member of Kalush Orchestra, you get post Malone. it was announced that a new disco themed roller skating rink will open this summer in Central Park, another classic 70s trend. returning to the park this summer. Stabbings. The makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing Aids. it teaches an important lesson. it doesn't matter if you're deaf as long as that body banging.
Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan's grandson. said Spacey, you had me at grandson.
New York City officials say they have received over 7000 rat sightings here in New York. So everybody look under your seat. Oklahoma City Zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Naya is pregnant, said the zoo's janitor. she told me she was 18. announcing this week's 86 million dollar Mega Millions Jackpot drawing, which is why I had to go into Lauren's office and unquit.
Well, guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour. Backstage is Weekend Update's Field Correspondent, Sarah Sherman. I'm going to kick off the tour in our studio audience. it's been a great show tonight with lots of great weekend update jokes from Michael Che specifically.
All right. I didn't love this specifically there, Sarah. But sure, go ahead. take us Backstage. God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys who think I'm an ugly little boy. Oh, My. God, how cool.
Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my Size Zero pants. Yeah, there's actually look like children's pants. children's pants, sort of your area of expertise, huh?
Please, let's not do this. okay, Sarah? Oh, I'm actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet. All right. Okay. all right. Well, let's just, can we please just keep going with your Backstage tour? Okay. and what do we have here?
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Colin Jo's dressing room. or as our female interns like to call it, the Chamber of Secrets. Okay. no, nobody calls it that. Sarah, please Do Not go in there. too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. on this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. you are funny. you are handsome. you are the real king of Staten Island. And this one just says reminder Dinner tonight with Giuliani. Sarah, I did Not write those.
Oh My. God, Colin, what are you obsessed with Me? those are Not mine. those are Not mine either. you clearly put those in there. really? what's all this then? Oh, a thing that I threw? Yeah, that's, yeah, that was a nude she was going to show, but she didn't have it. Oh My. God.
And what do we have here, folks? it's Colin's famous intern camp. looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. hey buddy, for next time, Colin likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee, and just vodka. Sarah, I told you, you have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room. Oh my God, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Steve, you're the guy I've been selling these to. All right, someone please just cut her feet off. Oh, I'm actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che. Thanks, Sarah. this is just in. local panty sniffer, Colin Joes, wants to silence Sarah Sherman and his ongoing quest to take down Jewish women. Back to you, Colin. All right, Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman, everyone. Love you, Colin. |
cracked | 8_famous_documentaries_that_are_full_of_sh_t_making_a_murderer_super_size_me | Documentaries that really stretch the truth Is fast food really that bad for you?
I mean, what would happen if I ate nothing but McDonald's for 30 days straight?
Would I suddenly be on the fast track to becoming an obese American?
I Averaged out all the calories for the last nine days and you're eating you're still eating Over 200% of what your needs are And I want more more more more Jesus story wasn't original how so What if you're wrong What if you're wrong Well, it's not a bit of a mystery how the first copy of called fact actually came to South Africa But it spread very quickly to many of us South Africans.
He was the soundtrack to our lives But nobody knew anything about him.
He was a mystery When eighth graders across the country were tested for reading most scored between 20 and 35 percent of grade level the worst scores for reading are in Washington DC our nation's capital If you ever want to read an opinion by the way that will show you how strongly this system is designed To perpetuate a conviction as opposed to examine whether or not somebody could in fact be innocent Don't make me look like Like I was no good person That fact alone is bad enough Averaged out all the calories for the last nine days and you're eating you're still eating Over 200% of what your needs are |
cracked | lindsay_lohan_naked_and_other_less_important_news_2_20_08 | It's Wednesday, February 20, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and it's been too long, if you know what I mean. Although the citizens in Cuba themselves haven't been too thrilled with the news since they seem to assume that the next president of Cuba won't be much different, Fidel will be replaced by his brother, Shmidel Castro, seen here.
A report earlier this week stated that the CIA set up a number of bogus companies in Europe in the days after 9-11. Nearly all of them have since been shut down because they were, quote, ill-conceived. Those ill-conceived companies included a chain of bath and soap stores, a toothbrush emporium, and Euro Disney.
A 24-year-old former middle school teacher has been sentenced to prison for six years for having sexual encounters with five teenage boys. The boys in question were sentenced to two years of awwww yeah with a side order of awesomeness.
Lindsay Lohan's nude photoshoot, a tribute to both Marilyn Monroe and Lindsay's own vagina, has spread over the internet like STDs spread through Lindsay Lohan. Does La Lohan look good naked? Come on. Does Lindsay Lohan shit in the woods? Answer, yes, when she's high. So always. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back Friday when we'll announce the winner of our Lex Friedman look-alike contest. It's me. |
TheOnion | Report_Growing_Ranks_Of_Nouveau_Poor_Facing_Discrimination_From_Old_Poor | I'm Gregory Dawson, sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is being fitted for a sarcophagus.
The recession, which has left thousands of American homeowners destitute for the first time, may be giving rise to a new form of bigotry. Are traditionally poor Americans being unfairly prejudiced against the nouveau poor? Yes, and it's wrong. Women and women who've just become impoverished are encountering terrible animosity from the poor who've been sleeping in vacant lots their entire lives. They can't help the fact that they weren't born poor. Yes, poverty should not be a club with locked doors. But it's hard not to sympathize with the old poor.
Now, if your family has a tradition of going to a particular KFC dumpster for a night out on the town, and you get there and there's a bunch of nouveau lowlifes throwing their chicken bones on the ground, how do you react? Any vagrant with just a modicum of self-respect knows that that's just going to bring rats to the dumpster. Oh, I'm sorry, that just reeks of classes.
What makes America so special is that no matter how many advantages you were born with, you too might wind up sleeping underneath a highway overpass eating nothing but mustard and relish packets. You know what, being poor is more than just not having money. It's about having the right kind of attitude. It's a lifestyle. Frankly, some people just don't have it.
It is true that over the years a small number of prominent families have worked very, very hard to control who is allowed into the poor man's club. Yes, like the Jenkins of lower Delaware who've been in the panhandling business for more than 300 years. They've had a member of their family in prison every year since David Jenkins first came over with the Dutch in 1631.
Yes, it's a legacy. It's a legacy.
But the nouveau poor have no interest in learning the way that things are done. Now that is just a stereotype. They just want to sit on the bus stop bench and cry and shiver rather than just fading into the landscape like the more experienced poor know how to do. That doesn't justify discrimination. My brother lost his house last year and since then he and his whole family have endured horrible prejudice from other members of the lower front.
Oh, please, do we have to hear this again? My dad only told me that all the other poor kids laugh at him because he got his clothes at the Dollar General instead of picked out of the garbage can like the other kids. They won't let him play poke the rat with them. Buying clothes? Yes, exactly.
It sounds like your brother isn't even really poor. Oh, well, just because my brother lives in a minivan and doesn't sleep in the bushes, now that is snobbery. Sounds like mansion trash.
Excuse me. She's making a point. Oh, sorry, David. You know I'm down here. Please, keep it down. Apologies. What's going wrong, Dad? Oh, no, never mind, Sam. There's people just making a lot of noise. Let's go back to sleep. Sorry, David. Here, let's get these cans out of here. My point is that you can't separate the two classes. Okay. |
TheOnion | Sudden_Ominous_Music_Heard_Across_U_S_Nation_Panicking | If you're just joining us, we are continuing our coverage of the ominous music that is sending panic across the nation. The suspenseful music was first heard throughout the country at 3.10 Eastern Standard Time this afternoon, setting citizens and government officials on high alert. Something really bad is going to happen. I can just feel it. We go now live to Washington correspondent Jane Carver with an update. Hi Andrea. Jane, do we have any more information on the source of this music? Well, Andrea, the AP is reporting the ominous music is being caused by an intrepid young journalist who is currently rifling through a classified government dossier. Okay, I see. But moments ago, the New York Times website posted a story claiming that the music may be linked to a group of wealthy, recent high school graduates speeding along a winding road in a red convertible, screaming and laughing with the hubris of youth. Okay. At this point, we just don't know. Okay, now we've been informed that police nationwide are on the lookout for attractive teen girls wandering by themselves. Yes, yes they are, and experts say their chances of being hacked to pieces by a knife-wielding maniac have increased over 600% since the music began. I'm sorry, Jane, I'm just getting word that we've got some footage of that now.
I think it's just Joey doing this. He must be playing a prank. Come on, Joey. Don't get off. It's not that funny, Joey. Come on, this is tough.
Interesting lead there, but Jane, is the telephone watch still in effect? Yes, absolutely. Officials are saying not to let your phone ring suspensefully two or three times, because the call will likely be completely harmless, a neighbor or a friend, but be very careful after you hang up. When you're standing there relieved, that is when the horrible event is most likely to occur. Okay, FEMA is attempting to bring an end to the music using a variety of strategic phrases, but so far it's been unsuccessful. Let's go now live to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Come on, it'll be fun. Wait for me, guys.
What's that shadow in the water? If that wasn't you, and that wasn't me, then what was it? Watch how a real man does it.
No developments there as of yet. Now, Jane, I understand President Obama has been taken to an undisclosed location. Can you confirm that, Jane? Well, you know, Andrea, there is no authoritative word, but apparently the White House...
Oh, my God! Jane!
Okay, we seem to have lost that signal, but we'll bring you more information as soon as possible. Moving on, a new erectile dysfunction drug that works by chemically lowering a woman's expectations. |
dropout | raphael_thinks_magic_is_real | She just goes great with everything.
What about apartheid? Hey guys! You know how I'm auditioning to play a young David Copperfield? I've never listened to anything you've ever said.
Well, I want to try some of my tricks out for you. I need a volunteer. Anybody have a wallet?
Alright. For my first illusium, I will make Raphael's wallet disappear. You'll have to fight me. Raphael, you know magic isn't real, right? Oh. Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's for the illusium.
Uh, Ally, can I get your wallet? No! If you want to take Ally's wallet, you're going to have to go through all of us. What are you doing?
Raphael, magic only looks real. Nothing's actually happening. I know what magic is. I love magic. It's my favorite thing.
I just don't trust Grant. I get that. Right? It's like he's not always doing this, but I feel like he's always doing this. I'm sure Grant would be happy to do another trick, preferably one that doesn't involve us giving him anything. Absolutely. Volunteers. Fine. So lay down inside that box there.
For my next illusium, I will cut Raphael in half. You cut me in half, I'm going to cut Joe Dickle.
Okay, can I get any other volunteer? I'd never help you. Anyone. Katie?
Okay, you know what? That's fine. We'll do this. I have something for you. Take this ring. Oh, nice. Now, check that out for me.
Make sure it doesn't have any holes. Nope. Except for that hole right in the middle. It's mostly hole.
Okay. Uh, now hand the ring back to me. Over my dead body. It's mine. You gave it to me. You all saw him give it to me. Okay, okay.
But, is this your watch? Yes! Hi, Hollywood? Yes, I hear you're looking for a young David Copperfield. Well, what if this time, he's black? Hi, I'm Raphael from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD.
Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
ClickHole | makeup_tutorial_how_to_have_just_one_super_good_eye | Hello all! It's me, Shaina, back with another makeup tutorial.
Today I'm going to show you how to give yourself one super good eye. This is the perfect no-stress look for when you want to make an entrance that leaves people saying, I would give anything for that particular eye. 2016 is all about looks that pop and worshipping good spheres, and this is one of my favorites. So I'm going to start off by figuring out which eye has the most potential. For me, my right eye is the one I make the emperor of my face, but for you it might be some other eye. Now, to make sure my right eye really stands out, I'm going to punish my left eye just a little. I love this part because I get to use my Revlon Eye Denier. It lets my eye know that I totally disavow it, and it's super easy to use. Just be careful not to go overboard here, because your eye might get back at you by turning around and showing your brain to itself. Now I'm using my basic white foundation to turn my face into more eyeball. By giving my eye this much territory, I'm letting everyone know that I serve it, and not the other way around. Next, it's time to heat beauty on my glorious eye using a little thing called math. So what I'm doing is drawing a golden spiral in the mystic ratio through which all chemical harmony flows, and it makes my eye look amazing.
To hold this all together, I'm going to shroud my head in my birthday present. Perfect.
Now I'm making my eye seem accomplished with these metals I got at a garage sale for some sort of dead astronaut or something. All it takes is one or two spaceman metals, and my eye suddenly looks really impressive. I'm using my hand to cover my shitty eye and really push focus on my incredible eye, and one last layer will keep this look from running or streaking all day long.
And there you go! You've got one super good eye that totally eclipses the rest of you in every possible way. Thanks for watching, and don't forget to like and subscribe. Ciao! |
SaturdayNightLive | who_wants_to_be_a_millionaire_snl | Welcome back to who wants to be a millionaire. We have 10 possible contestants battling for the chance to come up here and take home $1 million. the question is, place the cars in the order that they were released from earliest to most recent. the Mustang, the Model T, the Volkswagen Bug, and the Jeep Cherokee. let's give our contestants time to answer. time is up. the answers from earliest to most recent release are B, the Model T, C, the Volkswagen Bug, A, the Mustang, and D, the Jeep Cherokee. Now the person with the fastest time was.
Rich Preyland from Whelan, West Virginia.
Come on, Rich. Way to go. let's play. it's a pleasure to be here, Regis. Now, you know how the game is played. you get three lifelines and the 15 questions between you and $1 million. are you ready to play the game? Yes, I am.
All right. the first question is for $100. according to American folklore, what kind of tree did George Washington chop down? was it A, an orange tree? B, a cherry tree? C, a fig tree? or D, a pizza tree? Well, Regis, if a pizza tree existed, I'd probably weigh 300 pounds, so I'm pretty sure it was a cherry tree.
Final answer? Yes, it is. it's a good one. Cherry Tree is correct. Now, the next question is for $200. Actually, Regis, I'm good.
I think I'm going to fold up the shop. I'm sorry? I think I'll fold up the shop, take my $100, go back to West Virginia, and plan my family's future. you are aware we're talking about $100? Yep, I am. that's why I don't want to risk it.
Fair enough. Rich Prellant, everyone. back after these messages. we'll be right back. Get them all. |
TheOnion | behind_the_pen_how_marriage_works | This is Stan Kelly. Is that what you're looking for? Is that working?
So my editor, it is Infinite Wisdom, says we want to make a video of your cartoon that we're going to put on the computer. And I said, I don't see the value in that. And he said, Kelly, some young people who have never seen your cartoon might discover your cartoon. If I can just reach one young person, if I can just set one more youngster straight with my message.
I don't do this for me. I don't get any money. No, I don't get a red cent for spending my time doing this video. But it's not for me.
I'm doing it for you. I'm doing it for that youngster. Okay, let's get on with this.
The cartoon for this week is about marriage. A young, happy couple get their cake. People are drinking champagne. There's a little champagne glass there. And there's rice falling. Everybody's happy. It's a magical, innocent moment of youth. Future is bright for this young couple.
But no, no, look what happens. Shazam! You get to the next panel. Look at that. It's dark. It's sad. It's the secret to humor. You give people a little something they don't expect. See? You go back to this first panel.
This guy, he doesn't know what's going to hit him. He doesn't know what's coming to him.
Look out for that knife, buddy. You think you're cutting a cake. That knife is going to strike you right in the back. It's going to cut out your heart. It's going after your wallet is what it's going after.
That knife, okay. And that wife, she's holding that knife. See how she's holding that knife in that picture? Yeah, she's going to take control of that knife.
And she's going to be stabbing you right in the back. It's going to be a stickup is what it's going to be.
And that poor guy, my heart goes out to this guy. And I believe yours does, too. America's heart goes out to this guy. Because that's the everyman, see? That's the everyman's experience in this country. That's what happens in America, see?
This poor, innocent guy, he's living his life. He's just trying to be happy. He's sitting back. He's having a nice drink after work.
But what does he get? Does he get thanks? Does he get gratitude?
No, he gets nothing but nagging. The nagging is going to get him. She's going to nag him about his alimony payments, about his childcare payments. He's going to say, quit drinking.
And he's innocent, see? He's the underdog. He's fighting against impossible odds. Innocent ex-husbands. That's what I wrote on him, because that's what he is, okay?
And here's the real sad thing. You think you can get away from all that nagging by getting divorced, but you can't.
It stays with you. Now, those of you who don't know my work, at the end I always put a little comment for myself there. I like to have the last word in my cartoons, see? So, here, till death do you part. That's what I mean. You get the nagging till you die, okay?
This is how the artist works, see? He takes a sadness and he twists it, see? He twists it. He turns it into something that's entertaining for you folks. And that's what won me the Thorsburg Bronze Quill Award for Excellence in Cartooning, okay? That kind of artistry. |
cracked | fake_wakanda_vs_real_wakanda | Have you ever wondered this about Wakanda from the MCU? So Wakanda is the technologically advanced, vibranium housing city of the Black Panther, and they use this cloaking technology to look like a third world country, including people who are known to the rest of the world as farmers and textile makers and shepherds. So if the fake Wakanda exists, and the rest of the world knows about it, who lives there? Are they living in third world conditions while paradise is mere feet away? If fake Wakanda gets invaded, does real Wakanda help out?
It turns out there is an answer to this question, and it makes a lot of sense. The outside border of Wakanda is guarded by a tribe called the Border Tribe. These are the people you see pretending to be shepherds and farmers, but what they're really doing is making sure nobody gets into the city that they don't want in the city. Essentially they're a group of warriors who hang out in the doorway and say, hey, who do you know here before you're allowed into the party? Thanks for all your hard work, Border Tribe, and I know Marcus, we took sociology together. |
Wizards_with_Guns | wait_iron_man_is_british_now_wizards_watch | Go pop some popcorn. Pop your pussy. I said it so quietly.
Hey guys, welcome to another Wizards Watch. We watch movies with magic in them that you guys suggest. Today we're watching Sherlock Holmes. Suggested by G.D. Bui.
Go ahead and leave a like on this video and on the porn video that you have open that's playing over our audio. They don't watch porn. Our audience doesn't watch porn. I watch porn. No you don't. Name a porn star.
Harry Steve. Harry Steve?
What's his catchphrase? You don't watch porn either then. I mean, you know, he has a catchphrase and his catchphrase is here comes the hair. Oh, oops. I'm gonna hair. That checks out. He knows his porn. Play the movie.
Before we start, a quick word from our sponsor Raid Shadow Legends. Hey guys, it's Frank, the second tallest member of Wizards with Guns. And I'm here to point out all the highlights this game has to offer. It's got over 700 champions. I personally have never counted that high. So you are bound to find one that fits your play style. Also, there are 15 factions. You've got your classic orcs, dwarves, elves. But if you're one of those Fuki Mitch types, they've got skinwalker shamans, undead horrors, plus there are 12 entire dungeons to conquer, each with a challenging boss hoarding buckets of loot. Or strike fear in the hearts of real players by doing intense PvP combat, where you can forge a path to becoming the most dangerous Raid Shadow Legends player on the planet. On top of all this, Raid is cranking out regular content updates, adding new champions and modes for your enjoyment.
When I say infinity, do you think of the nearly infinite ways you can play this game with millions of different artifact combos for practically never-ending customization? Then that's fine. You're wrong. We'll just move on to the fact that Raid has over 400 million players in 190 plus countries, and it's only getting bigger. To this day I cannot believe this game is completely free to play. It's got gameplay so tactical it would make General George S. Patton say, oh wow, it's got PC level graphics right here on my mobile device? I find that pretty nuts. And I was in a war.
I think he'd also lose his mind about the brand new Raid-related content that just dropped called Call of the Arbiter, which includes a free legendary champion, the mighty Orc Warlord Artak. All you have to do to get him is to log into Raid for 7 days straight between now and July 24th. That's so easy to do, a baby could get the mighty Orc Warlord Artak. Use our link in the description or scan our QR code to get insane bonuses. From an epic champion drake to energy refills, XP boosters, skill tomes, etc. Come find me under the name Combustard. And if you're cool enough, you can join our clan. Again, click the link in the description and I'll see you on the battle hub. Now back to the wizard's watch.
This isn't real, this is a prop. We have, Alexa, start the movie. Now this is where the magic happens. Yeah, there's like some like a cold stuff. It's technically like it's magic. It's magic.
It counts.
Sherlock Holmes and his loyal dog as a medical man. Let me show you how much I've enjoyed it. Watson! How did you see that? Because I was looking for it.
This woman needs a hospital immediately. Put her in the back of the Mariah. Crap, she died.
We were too busy looking for invisible glass spikes. Took too long. We took too long.
Oh, he's killed a dog. Again. What have you done to Gladstone now? I was simply testing a new anesthetic. It isn't mine.
I gave your dog LSD once. Can you give a dog LSD?
Sure can. Sure have.
Your breasts are... BIG! He's fat! 8 out of 10. He's like, wow. Wow, you're good. You're dead on. God, he's so observant.
You get distracted by that kerchief. Dang cowl. Dang cloth. First, distract target.
Dead.
It all just plays out. It's only nut shots. Pay attention. Three more will die and there is nothing you can do to save them. You must accept that this is beyond your control. Over the time you realize you made all of this possible, it'll be the last sane thought in your head.
What did he want? Cotton candy. He wanted cotton candy. All the cotton candy in London or three more will die. Nobody wants.
Hurry!
Death is only the beginning. Oh my god, is he okay? Is he gonna be okay? Holy shit.
Why did they let him wear his cool leather jacket? He looks so sick. He looks so sick because he hangs there. They should have put him in a diaper.
Is the end of Lord Packwood. Let's take a quick peek at his balls. See what he's working with.
Oh they were crushed. They were discombobulated. Who could have done this? Sherlock's in the corner like, I couldn't possibly have. But that's a crime we'll have to solve Watson.
He keeps adding way too much clothes. I got too much shit on me. I can't fucking breathe.
Is that Sherlock Holmes? Is that Sherlock Holmes with a big fat nose?
Oh my god. Sir, Inspector Lestrade asks that you come with me at once. What's he done now, lost his way to Scotland Yard? It's Lord Blackwood, sir. He uh, well. It appears he's come back from the grave, sir. So this is what happened to Iron Man. Iron Man looks different. He looks dirty. He looks British. I respect you too much, Sherlock. I will spare half of mankind. Good lord. I like how there's dirt in there with the guy.
I like Google. You can search anything on there.
There's dog shit. There's shit. There's shit on this. It tastes just like dog shit. This is dog shit.
Day solved. Doo doo doo doo. Boom boom boom boom.
He clearly felt something was coming to get him. Something did. I mean, Adler was here. Either that or the ginger midget wore the same Parisian perfume. Smells like someone cummed in here. Oh, that's me.
That's not the case. I think if that guy hit me, I would just I think I would die. You'd crumple and fold like an origami. We didn't finish it. He is a very Apologies for summoning you like this.
I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are and who I am. As to where I am. I was admittedly lost for a moment between Charing Cross and Holborn.
But I was saved by the bread shop on Saffron Hill. The only baker to use a certain French glaze on their loaves. A Brittany Sage. After that, the carriage fork left and rides a Tilt Hill bump of the Fleet Conduit. Judging by the sacred ox on your ring, you're also the secret head of the Temple of the Four Orders, in whose headquarters we now see it. On the northwest corner of Saint James Square, I think.
He's like, No! What? No! We're underground! What are you talking about? We're at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Fear of your own child. Blackwood is your son. You have the same iris as a rare dark green. No! What?
Blackwood's my dog. Blackwood's my aunt. I think. My pet aunt.
Bubble bath's a little too bubbly. What is this, seltzer water? Who put La Croix in here? Me when they drink La Croix!
What kind of demon room? I don't care. Are you going to the bathroom? I got a weird bathroom.
I took a shit in the middle and nothing went down. I thought it would flush. It didn't flush. It was a weird toilet that looked just like a floor with no toilet.
These powers that you're playing with, no man can control. Well, gentlemen, someone has to stop them, even if you won't. I wouldn't do that if I were you. Don't be afraid.
Imagine you're on fire and the first thing you go for is the window. What the hell? Maybe if I fall out of this building fast enough it'll put out all the flames. It'll kill me faster than this flame is. Kill me faster than this flame is?
I like how he goes don't be afraid. Guys, don't freak out.
So we're all going to have to... We're going to catch up with you. I don't know what the fuck that was, guys, but let's drink this magic. Stay hydrated. Gather around. Take a sip. We'll figure it out together.
Well done, Watson. Not us. Just a figure of speech, one boy. He's left it there on purpose. The dog is like, please stop feeding me LSD. He says that in full of perfect English. Please stop.
It sucks. I fucking hate it.
Just give me dog food. Look familiar? Yep. All that's missing is that ginger m***. He could be in any one of these barrels.
Smash him.
45 minutes of them punching through barrels. Ooh, this is hard. My arm's tired. My hand hurts.
They forgot to add the audio of the explosion. Amateur filmmakers. They didn't even check the movie before they uploaded it. To YouTube.
Lord Coward has issued a warrant for your arrest, sir. Watson's alive. Just get out of here, sir. Go. Lord Coward. That's that guy's name. That's a little on the nose, I think. Lord piece of shit has issued a warrant, son. Lord dip shit wants you dead. Lord cum cock. Lord queef wants you. Lord shit anger. Did you say Lord queef wants you to stay there? Thanks for stealing it by saying it louder and better. I invented that. I invented Lord queef.
I think this is the first time we're watching an actually good movie. I think this is the first time we're actually watching the movie.
We just say stuff and hope it lines up. We just watch Markiplier and hope it works whenever we pretend to watch. It usually lines up. Hello, hello, hello. Did the devil turn up? Well, never mind. You've got the next best thing. Why are they arresting Shirlunch?
He killed a worm. He ran over a worm. Yeah, he ran over a worm in his car.
That's not why they're doing that. I simply wanted to know the location of Blackwood's final ceremony, and now you've given it to me. I've told you nothing. But your clothes say infinitely more than you could ever hope. The mud smeared on your boots from where you've been walking. A touch of red brick dust on your knee from where you've been kneeling, I think. A small bandage on your thumb from where you've been vowing. A picture of you at Margaritaville, drinking a margarita. Gotcha.
We take power at noon. There isn't any time to waste that. There's nothing.
What if he just shot he didn't miss? He just shot him right in the head.
Ow! Ow, you got me in the neck! My neck! My frickin' neck!
Take us under the bridge. Portside, approximately a hundred yards beyond that, you'll find the tunnel that leads us to the sewers. Right away, sir. All right to Chuck E. Cheese.
No! That's not what I said. Full steam ahead to Chuck E. Cheese. No!
We got to save all of them! Get her out! Look, I'll take watch as you climb up to the top of your ski-ball and you drop the ball right into the top. We'll get so many tickets to Sherlock, we can maybe get the bike. Sherlock's just like, all right. He's like, you convinced me. Okay, let's do it.
When triggered, the electrodes will send a charge converting the chemical into gas. The gas will travel up that shaft and filter through the ventilation system that leads directly to parliament. Within seconds of its administration, the most powerful men in the world will be choking on death.
Oh, Sherlock. Oh, Penny. Oh, Jared Lynch.
Where's Captain America? Where did he go?
Is he old? He's old now.
And four. And what a four.
On the twelfth time! Blackwood's like, shit, it's not working. He grabs his revolver. Sit still! Stay still! One at a time. I'm reloading. A new order.
Watson can take any man. I often hear him taking many men in his room. Several men.
The followers in parliament would have watched unharmed as their colleagues were dying around them. They didn't know that you'd given them the antidote. Instead, they would have believed it was magic and that you'd harnessed the ultimate power.
But the one mystery that remains, Why did you shrink my penis so small? Who did this to me? Was it you?
He's done this before. Mary, look at the ring he's given us. Now, five minutes here and we'll go home. I'd trade that for a normal ring in the house. Yeah.
And a theme park. To induce an apparently mortal paralysis. Enough to mislead a medical mind even as tenacious and well trained as your own. It's known locally as... What's wrong with Gladstone? Matt Honey disease.
I gave him DMT this time. He is going. He's blasted. He's broken through the barrier at this point. He's Matt Gobb. He's got it.
Was it a small caliber point? Yes. The powder burns on his eyebrows. Date, sir. Point blank range. More reality.
Ronald McDonald just as I suspected. Ronald McDonald just as I knew. Him and his hamburger grimace can't be far.
The more reality was after a piece of the machine. Imagine being able to control any device simply by setting a command via radio waves. A technology that could control anything from a distance.
Siri, send more diapers to my house. Siri, send me pictures of a diaper.
Kiss me.
Blimey! Is that your British accent?
The pirate. It's not even a pirate thing.
I give this movie a 8 out of 10. It's such a good movie. I would like to joke, but it's so good.
I like the part where he woke up in that mansion and the guy was like, surely you don't know where you are, and he's like, yeah, no, I could smell the Dunkin Donuts. I drove by. You're right next to a Dunkin Donuts. There's only four Dunkin Donuts in London. Probably near the, yeah, I know where I am. I'm right near a Dunkin Donuts. He just keeps saying Dunkin Donuts.
Like it's another clue. Guys, thanks so much for watching. If you want us to watch next time, please comment below. We have a bunch of sketches coming out soon, so please hit the notification bell. We post like a two minute video of you on the toilet, and it got no views, and we're like, we're shadow banned! We've been shadow banned! We're going to rumble! Also check out our Twitter, our subreddit, and a special thanks to all our patrons. We are super proud of our Patreon. At the first tier, you get access to literally hours of bloopers and behind the scenes content. So if you're a fan of our stuff, it's definitely worth checking out. We'd really appreciate the support. Link in the description.
I'll do anything for a chunk of change. I'll do anything for a handful of coins. I would come up with a get money quick scheme for a dollar and a coin.
I don't know what the fuck I said. I'm getting a stroke, dude. Yeah, a stroke of good fortune. A stroke of genius!
And if you don't want to give us money, that's fine, we're still making the videos. You can watch them for free. We'll pay you to comment. We'll pay you to join our Patreon.
Please! Thanks again for watching, guys. We'll see you next time. Bye!
We love you. I love you. He loves you.
There isn't any time to waste, then. What if he just shot he didn't miss? He just shot him right in the head.
Ow! Ow, you got me in the neck! Please! My neck! My freaking neck!
Take us under the bridge. Port side, gently a hundred yards. Beyond that, you'll find the tunnel that leads us to the sewers. Right away, sir. Alright, to Chuck E. Cheese.
No! No, it's not what I said. Full steam ahead to Chuck E. Cheese! No!
We gotta save four of them! Get her out! Sherlock, look, I'll take watch of you climb up to the top of Skee-Ball and you drop the ball right into the top. We'll get so many tickets to Sherlock. Get the bike! Sherlock's just like, alright. He's like, you convinced me. Okay, let's do it.
The electrodes will send a charge, converting the chemical into gas. The gas will travel up that shaft and filter through the ventilation system that leads directly to parliament. Within seconds of its administration, the most powerful men in the world will be choking on death.
Oh, Sherlock. You're so funny. Oh, Sherlock.
Where's Captain America? Where did he go?
Is he old? He's old now.
And Thor. And what of Thor? He shall be protected! Blackwood's like, shit, it's not working! He grabs his revolver.
Sit still! Don't move! Stay still! Wait, wait!
I'm reloading. Watson can take any man. I often hear him taking many men in his room. Several men.
Had it worked, your followers in parliament would have watched unharmed as their colleagues were dying around them. They didn't know that you'd given them the antidote. Instead, they would have believed it was magic and that you'd harnessed the ultimate power.
But the one mystery that remains. How did you shrink my penis so small? Who did this to me?
To you. He's done this before. I'd trade that for a normal ring in the house. And a theme park. I give DMT this time. He is going. He is blasted. He's broken through the barrier at this point. He saw the god else.
Ronald McDonald. Just as I suspected. Ronald McDonald, just as I knew. Him and his hamburger grimace can't be far.
The Moriarty was after a piece of the machine. Imagine being able to control any device simply by setting a command via radio waves. A technology that can control anything from a distance.
Siri, send more diapers to my house. Siri, send me pictures of a diaper. Case reopened.
Blimey! Argh! Is that your British accent? Argh! Ow!
It's not even a pirate thing. I give this movie a fucking 8 out of 10. It's such a good movie. I would like to joke, but it's so good. I like the part where he woke up in that mansion and the guy was like, surely you don't know where you are.
And he's like, yeah, no, I could smell the Dunkin' Donuts. I drove by. You were right next to a Dunkin' Donuts. There's only four Dunkin' Donuts in London. Probably near the yeah, I know where I am. I'm right near a Dunkin' Donuts. He just keeps saying Dunkin' Donuts.
Like it's another clue. Guys, thanks so much for watching. If there's a movie you want us to watch next time, please comment below. We have a bunch of sketches coming out soon, so please hit the notification bell.
We post like a two minute video of you on the toilet and it got no views and we're like, we're shadowbanned! We've been shadowbanned! No!
We're going to rumble! Also check out our Twitter, our subreddit and a special thanks to all our patrons. We are super proud of our Patreon. At the first tier you get access to literally hours of bloopers and behind the scenes content, so if you're a fan of our stuff it's definitely worth checking out. We'd really appreciate the support. Link in the description.
I'll do anything for a chunk of change. I'll do anything for a handful of coins. I would come up with a get money quick scheme for a dollar and a coin.
I don't know what the fuck I said. A stroke dude. A stroke of good fortune. A stroke of genius!
And if you don't want to give us money, that's fine. We're still making the videos. You can watch them for free. We'll pay you to comment. We'll pay you to join our Patreon.
Please! Thanks again for watching guys. We'll see you next time. Bye!
We love you. I love you. We love you. |
TheOnion | White_House_Condemns_2020_Election_As_Partisan_Witch_Hunt_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_25 | It's Super Tuesday, and Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls today, but many Republicans are outraged. We don't know for sure if there was in fact corruption. This sham process is the low point in the Senate for me. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and a vote for me is a vote for the news. Stay with us.
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the number one finance app in the App Store, and the easiest way to send and receive money. Download CashApp today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical. And if you send me that $10, I'll send you a pretty picture of my face. There's this one mirror in the OPR bathroom where, I don't know if it's a lighting or what, but MWAH! See for yourself and download CashApp today.
Our top story today takes us to the world of politics where White House officials are condemning the 2020 election. They claim the campaigns of Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Joe Biden, among others, are all part of a partisan witch hunt orchestrated by Democrats to unseat President Trump. Here with more is OPR political correspondent Dirk Mullins. Hi Leslie. In a statement released today, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham called the upcoming presidential election, quote, another pathetic effort by the left to nullify the results of the 2016 election. She even called it an embarrassing attempt at a coup and hinted that a campaign to unseat the president in 2020 had been in the works since the day Trump became the country's 45th president. How have the Democrats responded so far? Many Democrats, Independents, electoral scholars, and pundits have pointed out that America has held elections in the past, but those in the Trump administration still contend that Democrats' growing efforts to remove Trump from office in a fall election is nothing more than a political circus, a charge that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell quickly grabbed onto and spread among top party leaders. How so? In an elite memo from McConnell's office, he implored GOP members to take to Twitter and the airways to push the argument that an election in 2020 is a bald and disgusting attempt by Democrats to try and get Trump to stop working on behalf of the American people. Already, that line of defense is popping up all over the likes of Fox News and CNN, and the hashtag Stop the Election is already trending nationwide. Wow, so it sounds like Republicans are in unison on this issue. It seems they are. There's even talks that they would fight the Democrats in the court system if they attempted to use the results of a 2020 election to unseat the president. I see. What's the response from leadership on the left? They're scrambling a bit, Leslie.
There are whispers that a large group of Democratic congressional members worry that a 2020 election will be seen as too partisan, and many other Democrats have voiced concern to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi that the American public just does not have an appetite for an election this year. So is there a possibility Democrats might want to sit this election out to combat perception that they're trying to get rid of the president? Well, Speaker Pelosi hasn't said as much so far, but it's not off the table either. All her office has said is that they are currently collecting data from constituents and congressional caucus members to determine if going forward with a presidential election in 2020 is the best move for her party at this time. So right now, this looks like it could be a pretty big win for Donald Trump and his supporters if there isn't a 2020 election. It does seem that way. And if a 2020 election is scratched from the Democrats' plans, Republicans see no reason why they can't get rid of all subsequent elections moving forward. Interesting stuff. Well, I'll be very curious to see if there's an election in November or any other year in the future for that matter.
Thank you, Dirk. Thank you.
It's one of the hottest peppers known to man, 400 times hotter than Tabasco sauce. And in order to know more about the chili that measures one million units on the Scoville heat scale, the National Institute of Food and Agriculture has announced that they are offering a new $100 grant to anyone who's willing to eat a ghost pepper in front of them. Here with more is OPR science reporter Rebecca Neal. Rebecca, tell us more about this grant. Coming fresh off their last $50 grant awarded to a group of teens who researched the effects of eating a spoonful of cinnamon, program director Dr. Noah Buckner laid out the goals the institute is hoping to accomplish with this new funding. My cousin brought this ghost pepper back from his trip to India, and honestly, we just want to watch someone eat it.
And if you do, we'll give you a hundred bucks. Sounds pretty straightforward. What are the grant requirements? To begin, the recipient of the $100 funding must fully chew the ghost pepper without spitting it out and swallow it completely while institute members film the study on their smartphones to upload to YouTube later. And do applicants need any professional qualifications?
Not at all. However, the perfect applicant would most likely be an easily goaded individual desperate for attention and with the willingness to harm themselves for the entertainment of others. Okay. Here's the deal. Since no one at the institute will volunteer to take this challenge because they're all a bunch of pussies. Nick. Come on, man.
I said I'd do it if someone does it with me. We've pooled together 100 big ones, and the grant is open to literally anyone. So which one of you has the clinical trial cajones to step up to the plate? You hear that? That's a hundred smackers that can all be yours in exchange for advancing the knowledge of, I don't know, how the body reacts to eating a ghost pepper while a bunch of strangers watch, I guess. Yeah, that works.
Rebecca, is the institute offering any other kinds of resources? For instance, a slice of bread or a glass of milk to absorb the spicy capsaicin after ingesting the pepper? No, these items are not permitted because they could interfere with data collection, or as Dr. Buckner put it, quote, no way that's totally weak and basically cheating. They will, however, supply the ghost peppers and a bucket in case the recipient throws up or starts uncontrollably foaming at the mouth. And have they found any applicants yet with the balls to step up and eat this thing? Well, Dr. Buckner's 14-year-old nephew, Marshall, was an early applicant but was disqualified when he wimped out, spit the half-chewed pepper on the ground, and started crying.
The video has been uploaded to YouTube in the name of scientific transparency, though. Here's a clip.
Oh, my God! Help me! Dude! Dude, don't rub your eyes! Oh, man.
Well, it looks like that hundred bucks is still up for grabs for some crazy son of a bitch. Rebecca, would you ever eat that thing? No fucking chance.
That's OPR's Rebecca Neal. Thanks, Rebecca. Thank you.
All right, I'm going to be honest with you, I forgot I had a dentist appointment today and I'm already late, so we got to get through the rest of this news quick. Here's what else you need to know today.
It's Super Tuesday and that means millions of undecided voters are exiting the polls today. California, Utah, and Virginia, among others, all cast their ballot either by selecting someone willy-nilly or just leaving it blank altogether. People in the Super Tuesday states were reportedly very excited for the summer when they will finally just be told who to support.
Former President Barack Obama was spotted taking a detour to look at his old White House in Washington, D.C. today. Sources say he went up to the front door to ask if he could look inside since he used to live there but was quickly turned away.
And good news for fans of Dick's Last Resort. The restaurant chain announced this week they'll be opening a brand new chain of funeral homes where morticians verbally insult corpses and their mourning loved ones. And that's the Topico for today. I'm Leslie Price.
If your ears liked what they heard, why not use your fingers to subscribe to the Topico wherever you get your podcasts. My mouth will thank you. And don't forget to join us tomorrow for the inspiring story of a Massachusetts woman who was told she was infertile, but now she's popping out several healthy babies a week. You don't want to miss it. We'll see you then. |
cracked | the_fan_theory_that_fixes_jurassic_world | Hey guys, it's Maggie Mae Fish here with Cracked and another episode of A Better Way to Watch where we take bad movies and with one tweak, make a much better movie watching experience. So take a seat, eat everything but the Lucky Charms, see, now you got a bowl full of crunchy marshmallows and slap in Jurassic World. I know what you're thinking, but Maggie, any other film in the series is one thousand eons better.
Why Jurassic World? But have no fear, because ladies and gigantasauruses, I have a solution for you. What if I told you that the reason those boys don't act like they're in real danger and the main story feels like it's being played by robots is because those aren't dinosaurs, those are robo-dinos. As in, Jurassic Park didn't reopen with dangerous extinct animals, they reopened a Westworld and they spared no expense. And since Westworld and Jurassic are both brain children of Michael Crichton and Westworld is a precursor to Jurassic Park, this theory's not as far-fetched as it sounds.
So let's take a look and see how this theory shakes out and I'll show you how it makes for a much better movie watching experience. Now, Jurassic World was a fun dinosaur romp, but the critics were, well, critical. These characters are paper thin, plenty here to divert but little to leave you enraptured. And my personal favorite, a messy nostalgia trip that could bring back turtleneck sweaters. And they're not wrong, good-looking Chris Pratt and the best part of season 3 of Black Mirror Bryce Dallas Howard play one of the most conventional love tropes in movie history.
The, will they, won't they, she works too much and he just tells it like it is, is more tired than a five-year-old running around a park filled with dinosaurs. And speaking of kids, what is up with these two? I mean, they seem so bored that for a second I thought that was myself on screen watching this movie.
So way back after they mixed some dino DNA, a park exploded with dinosaurs on a killing spree. And afterwards, of course, they were slammed with government stations limiting their experimenting and breeding capabilities.
But hey, life, uh, finds a way. Or rather, money finds a way. I mean, looking across the water at other theme parks with robots starting to take hold, they're much easier to maintain than, let's say, I don't know, animals that have been dead for centuries and we have no idea how to take care of them.
So investors jumped. The Ryzen Wireless presents the Indominus Rex.
And that, kids, is how a corporation is made. Fast forward to Jurassic World where we meet our two protagonists. These kids who act as if every dinosaur is an ant they only see at Christmas asking them, so are you dating girls yet? Their parents, in the midst of a messy divorce, shoved their kids off to a wondrous land with simulated danger to keep their minds off the family drama. Where most people I know would give anything to see dinosaurs come back to life from the grave, myself included. We have a fan club. These kids spend the entire trip checking out girls, which is a really damaging cliche that we should be working to eradicate. Boys do have more on their minds than girls. They can be anything that they want to be. Now, while you could write them off as the most spoiled Brady Bunch looking kids in existence, it does make more sense if the dinosaurs were mere simulations of the real thing. I mean, as much as I love the Jurassic Park ride at Universal, by the third dinosaur I'm like, yeah, okay, that one's not real. Alright, I better alert the members of the fan club. That makes their apathy way more understandable. And saves them from being just boring teenager cliches.
Now let's take a look at our adventurous lovebirds. Even by action movie standards, their interactions do not seem to be that of the human species. They both act as if they've been programmed to carry on this love affair.
I'm not to mention this girl runs around and heals the entire movie. If that doesn't make her robot, I don't know what does.
But they play a key role in the Jurassic Park Westworld experience. How do you fake a disaster T-Rex hybrid escaping without two heroes coming in to sweep you under their wings? As characters, they're flat. But, take into consideration that they're part of the Dinosaur Danger Deluxe Package, where you get to assist the heroes and save the park?
Yeah, that I'd buy.
Considering this, scenes that didn't make a whole lot of sense before suddenly click into place. I mean, how about their babysitter getting ripped apart with absolutely no sympathy?
Robot. Bryce Howard's character acting as if she's programmed by her watch every second of the day. Robot. Any of these following lines. And I imprint on them when they're born. What kind of dinosaur are they cooked up in that lab? Robot.
Now, getting more technical, what's another clue that hints to maybe this is all fabricated? Uh, three words.
Dinosaur petting zoo. I repeat, dinosaur petting zoo. This is what dinosaurs look like.
They do not get pet or get along and are not the direct ancestors of cute little goats or sheep. They're rabid, eat or be eaten animals. But, you know what petting zoo would be a good idea?
One with robot dinosaurs. Because that is the only one realistically an insurance company would cover. That seems like a tangent, but it speaks to a larger problem with the dinosaurs in Jurassic World. They act as if they've been tamed by humankind. I mean, they have a rabid seed dinosaur doing jumps like Shamu and raptors who take commands from a little clicky thing. Looking at the Jurassic series as a whole, what is the biggest lesson? Dinosaurs, nature and life cannot be contained. Life finds a way, as they say. But in Jurassic World, sure you have one escaped hybrid dino DNA soup, but the rest act as famous circus animals. To keep the integrity of the originals, we have to recognize that that is not how dinosaurs would act and live in this world. But simulated dinosaurs?
You bet. But we also can't forget the other lesson throughout Michael Crichton's work.
Corporate greed. After the first Jurassic Park disaster, do you think corporations were going to waste another scent breeding dinosaurs when they can just create a simulation that never dies? Doesn't need real food. And can compete with the Westworlds and medieval worlds popping up all around the world. Corporations aren't interested in science and exploration unless they can make a profit. And the risk of breeding real, actual, extinct animals would realistically, completely outweigh the bottom line.
Especially if we sell them as weapons. Because, you know, weapons.
Uh, hey, we just released the raptors into battle. Oh, you say that their human leader was killed? Oh, and now they're just eating our troops?
Oh, man, you know what? If we have robot dinosaurs that can do the same thing, except that's exactly what we tell them to do, you know what? That would be great.
Oh, by the way, have you seen the Westworld theme park? Have you been there?
I had sex with a robot.
And you know what? If this was all just a big adventure to dino world, I think the movie we walk away with is a family going through a really tough time who, not unlike the fake dinosaur island, will get through it without a real scratch to show. And you know what? I think that's some real character development. So there you have it, folks.
Next time you go on a date with a fellow dinosaurs or comic fan club member, you can impress them by dishing out some knowledge and by making a much better movie. Excuse me. I have some counting to do. Oh, man, there's a lot of shooting stars in this one when we lucked out.
Hey, you like stand up. Come see The Cracked Stand Up Show. It's happening June 22 at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you want to see amazing comics, including our own Josh Sargent, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets. And if you want to see me do a funny dance, sorry, not today. |
dropout | collegehumor_and_fist_fight_s_one_two_punch_night_of_comedy_in_nyc | You got to thank Warner Brothers for putting this together. This is amazing. Show a lot of love to Mr. Ice Cube. Thank you for coming out, Miss Brooklyn. As you can see, I'm from California. So I'm cold as shit. It's a great movie. I'm real proud of it.
You know what I mean? We don't need to hear from you. We need you. One more time before I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
New Yorkers are my favorite thing about New York. I love the people.
I was walking to the gym the other day and a construction worker offered to help me, quote, work that ass out. I remember when MTV2 did a show called Bully Beatdown. It was a great idea for a show. It was, hey, if you have a bully, we'll get an MMA guy to beat the shit out of them. I had a pretty good year. I got on a TV show. My high school val, Victorian, picked me up in an Uber. That felt good as fuck. But every person that was on that show, it wasn't like high school kids. It was guys in their 20s and 30s. Like, how are you 33 with a bully? You can't have a Sky Miles card and be getting purple nurples.
You guys are a lot of fun. Hashtag this way. You guys are great. Thank you again. Join this fight. I love y'all. Thank you. |
CrackerMilk | how_all_siblings_treat_each_other | Connor did you drink my chocolate milk? No, then where'd my chocolate milk go? I don't know. Yeah, then what's that on your mouth?
Um, none of your business actually I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm not afraid of you. I know what makes you tick. You're fueled by two things Tampons and boys guess what dad's actually never liked you and he pretends to be drunk all the time But just around you so that he doesn't have to talk to you I'm gonna tie your hair into a noose and hang you from a tree and not only are you gonna be dead? Everybody's gonna know that you aren't a natural redhead. You don't actually have curly hair I've been knocking you out once a month and giving you a perm since you were three you keep this up I'm gonna tell everyone I know about your extra labia I'm gonna pull your foreskin out and wrap it up over your head and suffocate you with your own man skin Do you ever threaten me again? I'll tell Dean that you like Do you want to get some lunch that'd be good.
Yeah Can we get this shot? Cuz I have shit all over my fucking face. Why are we using real shit, by the way? Why didn't we just use chocolate milk whose idea was this? |
TheOnion | Netflix_Introduces_New_Browse_Endlessly_Plan | In tech news, media streaming giant Netflix announced its new payment plan this week, which offers users the option to just browse endlessly without watching any videos. According to CEO Reed Hastings, quote, For just $5 a month, we're giving customers affordable access to Netflix's most popular function, scrolling through our robust library of titles and posters without ever deciding on a single one. The new plan will allow users to add titles to their queue that they'll never watch and will still give customers helpful recommendations for what else to browse. In addition to the browse endlessly plan, Netflix has hinted that it will add up to 1,000 additional movies you've never heard of and TV shows that you kind of want to watch, but not if there's something better on. Side effects director Steven Soderbergh said, Netflix's new plan is perfect for the person who heard my movie was pretty good a few years ago and would like to see it, but not enough to actually sit down and watch it. Some Netflix users have already signed up for the new plan. $8 a month was too much, especially since I was just watching the first 10 minutes of movies before turning them off to go browse more. The browse endlessly plan makes it so easy for my husband and I to never agree on a movie, argue about how we've ruined a perfectly nice night, and then sit in silence. And responding to other popular viewing habits, Netflix is rolling out the two titles plan. For $6 a month, you can just watch Breaking Bad and Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol. When we come back, could dolphins be sensing cancer and just not saying anything? |
cracked | cooking_with_babel_fish_pig_boiling_radish_and_egg_entering | Hi everybody and welcome to Cooking with Babelfish. Each week we'll be whipping up a new international dish, but due to a strategic marketing partnership, we'll find recipes written in the recipe's original language and then translate them to English using Babelfish's online translator. So today, all the way from Japan, it looks like we'll be cooking pig angular... boiling... uh Japanese pig...
So now the first thing we always want to do is make sure that we have all of our ingredients. Uh, uh, hey guys, um, I think, I think they meant teaspoon and tablespoon, so do we have? Spoons are fine. Okay, hey, did you guys get this from my apartment? Yeah, it said your sugar. Um, okay, uh, we're going to boil three large spoons of sugar, one small spoon of soy sauce, and one small spoon of liquor. Oh, uh, okay, then we just, uh, push all of the vegetables through it.
So, uh, okay, um, okay, for the next step with the frying pan, the pig meat's near. Okay, uh, so I'm guessing we're just gonna take the pig meat and put it near the frying pan?
Okay, oh, is anyone gonna take care of that? No one's gonna try and put that out.
Uh, okay, so we are going to cut a hole, an insertion hole right here, put in some sugar, some water, and, uh, seeing phosphorus with our hands. So, um, just, uh, uh, my sugar, a little bit of water, just a little bit there, and a little bit there, uh, seeing phosphorus right in there.
Next, the boiling egg, which its boil is inserted. Taste soaks one ginger powder. So, uh, take an egg right here, this, and some ginger powder.
So that does it! Uh-huh, now we're ready to separate this into portions and enjoy it! Well, that's it for this week's Babblefish, the cooking with the Babblefish, um, join us next week! Enjoy it! I don't want to eat it, do I have to? Enjoy it. Who the republic is safe and so high? Yeah, seeing phosphorus is right in there. Next, the boiling egg, which its boil is inserted, taste soaks one ginger powder. So, uh, take an egg right here, this, and some ginger powder. So that does it! Uh-huh, now we're ready to separate this into portions and enjoy it! Well, that's it for this week's Babblefish, the cooking with the Babblefish, um, join us next week! Enjoy it! I don't want to eat it, do I have to? Enjoy it. Who the republic is safe and so high? |
dropout | derrick_s_dickmento | Who am I? How did I get here? I'm not sure. I can't be sure of anything anymore. My name is Alan Mortimer. That much I'm sure of.
Six months ago I was in a motorcycle accident. I survived, but I sustained a brain injury. Now I have a very specific sort of short term memory loss.
It's not a dick, man. I tattoo messages on my body so I can remember. It's a dick. Your memory loss makes you forget what dicks look like. He's using your memory loss to get you to suck his dick. His name is Carter. He used to be your friend. Also, he killed your wife, but that's not important. What's important is it's a dick. I told you, man. It's not a dick, alright?
It's a mouth-based video game. It's not a mouth-based video game.
I'm your friend, man. I didn't kill your wife.
You have to get out of here. Which one is the exit? Which one remembers if this one had to save my wife?
Where? Where am I? Hey, man. Why don't you come try this new video game I got? Who am I? How did I get here?
What did dicks look like? |
cracked | why_the_zombie_apocalypse_would_fail_quickly | We interrupt Are We All Forever to bring you this breaking news. Today a woman crashed her car into a truck on the 841 freeway. She stumbled out, began thrashing around erratically and bared her teeth, attacking a motorist who was trying to help her. Police arrived to the gruesome scene and eventually opened fire on the woman, as well as several others who were also behaving strangely and violently.
We won't show you the graphic video, but the event is very reminiscent of most films involving what most people would call a zombie or zombies. The infectious nature of the bizarre behavior, the stumbling around like a zombie, the attacking people and snarling and so on. All pretty clearly zombie stuff. That's right, really sounds like zombies. Although the police do claim that there's nothing to worry about, and everyone needs to remain calm, and it's certainly not zombies, wait, I'm getting word that enough people have identified the incident as obviously the start of a zombie epidemic, and the police have now admitted to it. And although we're getting reports of similar incidents across the globe, officials would like to point out that biting is an extremely inefficient method of spreading disease. And if someone near you tried to bite you right now, you could probably stop them from doing so. The disease is unlikely to spread at all, and most of the zombies will likely get killed by natural predators anyway. Sure, maybe the average person couldn't take a bunch of zombies hand to hand, but a decent sized dog or wolf or ocelot could. All governments are urging citizens to stay inside for a few days until the zombies naturally decompose in the streets. Yes, and we're getting word that in many places in the world, the zombies have already died, due in part to their inability to handle extreme heat or extreme cold, because they're basically corpses.
So, school is back on for the following areas. Everywhere else, stay inside and stay safe. Don't worry, it will be easy. For millennia, humanity has unwittingly created thousands of structures perfect for barriers against slow-moving, brain-dead zombies. Things like doors, for example. And if you're having trouble keeping those doors closed, just...
Brad, what is that? Brad, shove it over. Yeah, just shove it over, Brad.
Yeah. Nice. Good. There's one coming up behind you. Never mind, you tricked. Stop his head. Yes, just stop it on his head, Brad. Yes. Good. Great.
So, just stay indoors and fight the slow, ineffectual zombies as best you can. Virtually every outbreak has already been contained, and the virus is almost as good as destroyed.
If you need help with any stragglers, call a friend, because it's likely that they have a gun. America in particular has done exceptionally well taking care of the problem, as there are 1.12 guns for every one American citizen. So throw a rock, and you'll probably hit a gun. Gump that gun, then shoot a zombie.
Or just do something like that. School is back on everywhere. Go outside. It's great. We now return to our regularly scheduled program. I love you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Wednesday_15th_April | Hello, my name is Wendell Hussey and you're listening to The Petuta Advocate's Daily News Bulletin. We're coming to you live from the budgie smuggler bedroom on the back of another big day in news, but before we get into it, make sure to subscribe to The Daily News Bulletin feed if you haven't done so already as we'll be off the main Petuta Advocate podcast after this week. Alright kicking off first up with some national news today, a man who made career talking about shit no one can verify says don't take accusations as gospel. Speaking to the only journalist who wouldn't ask him a hard question, the man who has spent 61 years of his life urging people to believe in something far more unrealistic than the prospect of paedophilia in the Catholic Church said, guilt by accusation was not a sign of a fair civilisation and described Victoria Police's decision to pursue charges against him as extraordinary. He also hit out at the ABC, which he said was partly financed by Catholic taxes, which doesn't really make sense considering the church pays no tax, but there you go.
Moving along to other national news and the Nationals have today demanded an inquiry after waters in the Darling River somehow reached the Murray. This comes after rain that fell in northwest and western NSW as well as Queensland earlier this year has made it all the way to Victoria for the first time in over two years. Now while that has brought a feeling of optimism at a time when it's needed most for people who live along the river's bank, those who control the river from the comfort of an air-conditioned office much closer to the sea say it's nothing short of an embarrassment. That's why leader of the Nationals Michael McCormack has urgently called for an inquiry into how the atrocity was allowed to happen. The Liberals have yet to respond to the calls and aren't expected to do so for quite a while given everything else that's going on. Heading further south for our next story and the sale and consumption of pangolins has been banned at Melbourne's notorious Perran Wet Markets. The Perran Wet Markets in Melbourne's leafy Park Cricket District has been ordered by Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews to stop the sale and consumption of pangolins immediately after the animal was determined to be the root cause of the COVID-19 crisis.
Premier Andrews said this morning, Back home in town now and a local woman has revealed to The Advocate that she's finally coming to terms with the fact that her crush probably isn't too busy to respond to her right now. The Batura Heights local allegedly texted her crush out of sheer boredom yesterday which then resulted in her angrily throwing her phone across the room in disgust before waiting for roughly an hour to acknowledge that he might not be that interested. She then decided to draft a couple of messages to that floppy haired acoustic guitar playing fuckwit before deciding against it and re-downloading one of the online dating apps she recently deleted.
Wrapping up with sports news now and the NRL has asked the NSW Government today, Oi are you doing anything with that cruise ship? The calls came after Rugby League Chairman Peter Vlandis had the brainwave of isolating all of the NRL players on that Ruby Princess ship that's idling in NSW waters. After considering relocating all the players to Moreton Island and then moving on to the idea of a Western Sydney bubble, Vlandis then reportedly decided to enquire about using the cruise ship to get the NRL off the ground by May 28. It's not yet known what the Government will say but given that Vlandis is the boss of racing NSW as well, he's probably a fair chance of getting his way.
So we'll try and keep you across that one as it unfolds. But for now, that's all from the Batura Advocate News Bulletin. Don't forget to subscribe to the new feed if you haven't done so already and we'll talk to you again tomorrow. Goodbye. |
TheOnion | Obama_Replaces_Costly_High_Speed_Rail_Plan_With_High_Speed_Bus_Plan | President Obama announced changes to his proposed recovery act today, replacing his national high-speed rail plan with a national high-speed bus plan. The switch to the new buses, which cruise at speeds of up to 165 miles per hour, will save more than $17 billion from the country's recovery budget. In a press conference today, project director Alan Peterson called the plan a cost-efficient way of cutting travel times in half. Buses can be retrofitted and modernized for as little as $40. Starting January 1st, you'll be sharing the road with the next generation of buses roaring past you at racecar speeds. Get out of the way. The bus of the future is here. The plan will provide for 10 high-speed bus corridors using existing roads instead of building costly new infrastructure. On most routes, what was once called the shoulder lane will now be known as the busway, giving buses easy access to exits and on-ramps. Highways without shoulders will be rechristened shared multi-vehicle routes and will support new signs to keep drivers alert to buses. Passengers will have the option of purchasing a business class ticket, which guarantees their seat will be at least five rows away from the bathroom and will not be situated directly over a wheel well. Last week, lawmakers took an inaugural trip in one of the new models, accelerating to 102 miles per hour within minutes of leaving Washington's Union Station bus terminal. The high-speed bus plan is just the latest initiative aimed at improving America's infrastructure following last week's high-speed broadband access negotiations with Canada to remove the password from its wireless network.
Moving on, Congress has passed a compromise bill allowing illegal immigrants to live in the U.S. as long as their feet never touch the ground. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_120_Jackie_Trad_MP | Errol, have you got a mask yet? No, not yet. I think it's worth waiting to see what the spread is, you know. I don't think we'll need them up here in the Simpson Desert right now. Yeah, we haven't had a recorded case in the Queensland Channel Country yet, Clancy.
I have a few masks. I've got a few disposable ones I got from the chemist, but you guys know me. I'm quite environmentally conscious. Well, you are a high net worth individual who lives in the inner city, so I guess that comes with the territory, Clancy. Yes, which means I've ordered myself a few washable, reusable masks.
From Amazon? No, no, no, no, Wendell. Ever since Clancy chinned Jeff Bezos at the 1999 Met Gala in New York, they haven't really been on speaking or business terms.
Right. Well, that was a little bit before my time, that one. Sorry. Yeah, that's correct. That's correct.
I won't give that man a cent.
Now, these masks I've just ordered online are from Budgie Smuggler, who we all know and love as Australia's premier swimwear brand. What? You're wearing a pair of Budgie Smuggles on your face like some sort of pervert. No, Budgie Smuggler are making face masks right now. They're 100% made here in Australia, not just 100% designed here as some less ethical apparel companies like to advertise. Right. Do they come in their famous Budgie Smuggler prints like you can get a leopard skin face mask?
Yeah, you can get whatever you want on them. They're fully customizable. So I could put any photo on there, like say, for example, if I took a picture of my cat's asshole, they could put it on a mask and they'll jiffy it up and mail it right to me. If that's what you want, mate, do it. I reckon they'd do that for you. Maybe we could get some face masks made up for the Baturda Dolphins' upcoming tour of the Melbourne metropolitan area. Yes, I'll make them up for that as well. We'll have to provide the boys with a couple of firearms too for that one, I reckon.
Well, I'd be getting a few done if I lived in Victoria or New South Wales. You know, and as a free marketer protectionist, I'd rather see my money going to a local business than off to some fucking cowboy. So would I. Well, you know where to go. budgysmuggler.com.au They're not rip-off merchants. They're honest, hardworking Australian retailers and manufacturers.
So get over there. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Baturda Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Baturda Advocate radio show recording live here from downtown Baturda in the old city district. And there's a lot going on in the world today. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, and, of course, Errol Parker. How are you, Errol? Good, mate.
There's a lot going on in the world. We've got JobKeeper getting extended and reduced, and we've got the labour identity crisis at the federal level. We've got a lot going on. Everyone seems to be forgetting that there is an election coming up in Queensland at the state level. To talk about that today, we've invited a guest in from, I guess, the Tuscan-like plains of South Brisbane. She's been in the media a lot recently.
Jackie Trad, thank you for joining us. Thank you very much for having me, Clancy and Errol. It's nice to talk to you, Jackie.
Now, how are things feeling right now in Queensland, like in South East Queensland, anyway? Obviously out in the bush. No one really has felt this that much apart from probably a few FIFO industries were kind of missing out on a lot of workers early days, and there were a few other restrictions that carried all the way out. We've got people, pubs in Orgathella and even Batuta signing in before they go to the pub, and obviously the grey nomads and the tourism has disappeared in the bush. But other than that, we don't have that feeling of intense lockdown that you may have in Brisbane. How is the feeling?
I think most people are looking at what's happening in Victoria with a lot of concern and they're very grateful that we took swift early action in Queensland. So I'm getting really good feedback around the type of things that we did early in Queensland. Of course, we were the first jurisdiction to announce a public health emergency and Anastasia's been just terrific leading that response with Stephen Miles, the Health Minister and Deputy Premier. So look, I think everyone's been very pleased with the government's response. Everyone's done the right thing in terms of maintaining social distance. But even if you're in the north or in the west, I think Queenslanders are united.
They don't want to see a spread of coronavirus throughout the state. No, I don't think anyone does, Jackie, which kind of leads us to our next question.
Can you take us a bit inside what happened behind closed doors when you decided to lock the rest of the country out and when you decided to let the rest of the country back in last week, except, of course, for the people of the cold south in Victoria? And some New South Wales hotspots. The cold southwest of Sydney. Yes, that's right. As you know, Queenslanders, they have a particular disposition when it comes to New South Welshmen.
So I think a lot of people were very grateful that our borders were secure in order to make sure that we just didn't get a spread. Look, the Premier and the Health Minister have been working lockstep with the Chief Health Officer, Jeanette Young in Queensland. She's probably one of the most experienced chief health officers in Australia. Her advice has been absolutely spot on. And because of that and because of the great teamwork here in Queensland, the decision to close the borders was very swift.
It was very early. We were the first jurisdiction to do that and other jurisdictions followed. And sure, we copped a lot of flak. The Premier particularly copped a lot of flak. But there's been, I think, subsequent apologies and recognition that that was the right thing to do. I don't know how closely you work with the Attorney General of Queensland, but I just wanted to know if you're still waiting for Pauline Hanson to take you down to the High Court to make you reopen the borders. Did any paperwork actually come through? Well, they gave it a red hot go, but I think it sort of stumbled once we saw an outbreak in Victoria. So I think that speaks volumes for the type of challenge that it was. It was all a political stunt, right? And I think you also saw the federal government join in on that front. So I think it was pretty poor form to want to spend a lot of taxpayer dollars on something that was always going to be, I think, futile. But in the end, I think rather than accept the scientific advice, rather than accept the medical advice, people were just political point scoring and you expect that in election year, right?
Do you feel vindicated? Does it feel good to be vindicated? I mean, obviously no one wants to be vindicated, but it feels good to shut her up.
Look, I certainly think that the Premier was due the apology she got from Stefanovic. It's good that Carl Stefanovic can play the role as spokesperson for the One Nation party that he platforms every week.
Not anymore though, not anymore. It's only Channel 7.
Speaking of kind of, I guess, populism in the news and populism in politics, for some reason you are in the cross hairs quite a lot and accused of this yourself. Particularly, I mean, there would be people listening to this podcast right now from more rural areas of Queensland who probably haven't even heard you say anything right now that makes them angry, but they're angry that we're talking to you. So it's a two part question. One, why are you quite often given the jobs as a member of the Queensland cabinet to deal with so many issues in the bush? Because the moment they hear the word West End and Labour left, they probably get angry to begin with. There are lots of farmers out there who hear those words and associate that with a person who can't tell them that they can't run a chain between two D9s and clear a thousand acres out the back of Roma. Don't trad on me was a sign that was getting around a lot during the ECCA a couple of years ago. Why is it that you are running point on so many of these regional issues? To be frank, I don't think I have in recent times.
I think that this has been a political campaign and there are quite clearly, I think, those people who are attached to political parties who want to use, I guess, the Labour Party's position on a number of things, whether that's land clearing, tree clearing, whether it's about improving regulations around the water runoff into the reef. They want to devalue it in a way to dismiss it as part of the culture wars, as opposed to something that we ought to do as a community and as a society if we want to see, if we want to reduce emissions, if we want the Great Barrier Reef to survive, if we want to do all these sorts of things. But I will say this, and that is that I don't think it's solely landholders that have the obligation and the responsibility around the things that we're talking about. We all live in a community where we consume stuff that requires the working of land. And so as consumers, we need to think better around that. As people who use cars and contribute to carbon emissions, we need to think about our energy footprint. So I do want to say that I think the polarising part of the debate, where it's about focusing in on people and what they do on the land as landholders, as opposed to what we all do as a community and society, has been unfair.
And that's certainly not the position that I take. Do you ever pick up a copy of the Courier-Mail and think, what are they saying about me now? So thankfully, because we do live in the digital age, I can get a lot of news bulletins online and I do get alerts. So quite clearly, there's been views, whether that's conservatives using mainstream media outlets that want to put those positions. But at the end of the day, that's what you sign up for in a public life, I suppose. Now, you mentioned before you're talking about kind of a multifaceted economy, which is refreshing to hear from a Labour Party MP to kind of talk about those different things.
Perhaps that comes from your upbringing in a small business owner family in the Gabba. You would have dealt a lot with, I guess, I mean, what was your family's operation there? So like a lot of migrants, it was in fruit and vegetable retail. So it was a small family business. You know, Mum and Dad did have employees, but it was predominantly a family-run small business.
So for many years at the Gabba, just across from the mighty Gabba Stadium. So what was formerly known as the Gabba Fiveways? So just a little bit up from the Gabba Fiveways, actually.
I think we had a big bicycle shop there now. That's going back a long time. It's going back a long way.
Laser force.
Yeah, so I remember when the freeway was built and, you know, it was a big deal. It really did, I think, divide up the Gabba and really erode its high street cultural identity.
And like many other prominent Queensland politicians before you, your family were of Lebanese background. I mean, we're talking specifically the member of Kennedy, but also, you know, there's been plenty of kind of Lebanese. Maronite family? Yep, yep, yep, Maronite family.
And so were your parents migrants or are you second generation? I'm second generation. So Mum and Dad came out. Dad came first and then Mum came a number of years later. And Dad chose East Brisbane to buy his first house and that's where we all grew up.
Well, I suppose, you know, they do call Brisbane the Beirut of Australia. I mean, you know, like they are, you know, they're both on the coast. They have a rich history. You know, the weather's largely the same, except I suppose you could say it's a bit more humid down there in Brisbane. But yet they do have quite a similar vibe, in my opinion. Can I say, I've been to Beirut and I'm not sure that they're...
I've been there too. Have you? Too bad, yeah. But that was in about 2007. No, the... Yeah, right.
And what's Batutah? Batutah is, I guess you'd say...
Now, did that kind of upbringing, did that lead you to politics? Or, you know, has it instructed a lot of your personal or political values? Because you often do hear that Albanese Plibersek say similar things. And they say that's what led them to the Labour Party. Yeah, we always had... Well, I grew up with Dad always talking about politics with his brothers. So he had a number of brothers and, you know, cousins and stuff. And, of course, this was at the time of the Jocki Peterson government, but there was also a civil war in Lebanon. So there was always something to talk about in a political sense, I suppose. So I grew up around it and I think it was a huge contributor, huge contributor to me taking an active interest in politics, in current affairs and what was happening in the world around me. And it shaped my thinking. So, yes, it was a big factor in drawing me to a political life. Is that something that you kind of was introduced to you really at university? I do notice that you did go to Griffith, which is, you know, a real hotbed of the left-wing ideas in Brisbane, you know.
So that's... In terms of universities in Brisbane, that's definitely the 4-triple-Z, you know. Well, 4-triple-Z came from UQ.
Yeah, but UQ has changed a lot. They've inserted so much overseas money into that university, it doesn't know where it is now. She can't go out on the map.
As we saw in full-time... So Griffith, look, Griffith, it's a great university. I really valued my education at Griffith University.
You know, there was lots of critical thinking, there was lots of challenges around how we perceive the world and I thought it was a great education and it's a real shame, the type of undergraduate degree that I did is now going to be attracting such a significant increase in fees because of the Morrison government's decision. So that's really disappointing and I know it's going to hit a lot of young students quite hard. Do you think that's because the government doesn't want young kids to grow up and think that they can become things like a journalist and perhaps write things that the government doesn't really like? Well, I just think it indicates that they don't value those types of courses, they don't value critical thinking, they don't value the role that a broad-based education plays.
I do think that we always need to produce people who are obviously not only skilled and can build our cities and maintain our cities and our economy and can contribute in whatever professional sense that they can, but we also need critical thinkers, I think. And I think that's Australia's background, right? I think that's our ethos from the Eurydka Stockade to arbitration system to the way our federation was set up and the real sense of egalitarianism and not just transposing British culture and British class society into Australia. Australia, we've always been critical and wanting to develop our own cultural identity, right? So I just think it's a natural extension that we should want our kids, want our population, want our voters to be good critical thinkers. So what you're saying is not everyone in Australia can be a multimillion-dollar glass balustrade installation professional from the Cronulla Shire?
No, but you see the key difference is... You can read into my comment status. The key difference on that is that there are people like that who are having a go, and then our society is rewarding them by giving them a go. That's the key ethos that underpins this current government, is that perhaps if you've got a degree in art criticism, you're not really having a go, I mean, because it's not a real job, so you don't get a go. Sure, but jobs in the creative industries is one of the fastest growing areas of job creation or was before coronavirus.
Anastasia got Tom Hanks. She got Tom Hanks for Queensland.
100%.
Got him there twice. So, you know, and the federal government's just announced money for attracting the film industry to Australia. So on the one hand, you're saying these courses don't matter, but on the other hand, you're actually putting taxpayer funds into these industries in order to create more economic diversity.
So what they're saying and what they're doing doesn't match up. And it's just fitting into the cultural wall, right? Yeah. So you don't think that labour is 100% opposed to goes? To what? To just goes in general, because that would be the current rhetoric, is that labour doesn't like goes.
Yeah, and do you think a go is easier to acquire under a labour government? Because, you know, everyone needs to have a go in life. I just think that Scott Morrison makes it a bit easier for, you know, those ascot types with the weak jawlines who, you know, go to those types of schools. I think he makes it easier for them to go to these schools and to get goes. Where I think it would be a fair assumption to say that under a labour government it is easier to get a go and goes are more widespread. We love giving goes away.
Okay. Yep. Okay. Goes are very important. Okay. Sweet. Well, it's good.
It's good that everyone gets a go under both governments. Everyone gets a go. Both major parties are willing to give a go to anyone.
Okay. We've crossed that bridge. Well, totally. And, you know, I mean, coming from Batuta, you guys would know that young people in Batuta might not have as many opportunities to get a go as other people. So, you know, what goes in South East Queensland will not be the same as what goes in the Diamantina Shire. News flash. Yeah, I know.
And it's good to see Labour's starting to see that. Now, we were once a safe Labour seat when, you know, we had Shearers out here that weren't Kiwi citizens. But now things have changed a lot and we've got federally, we've got Little Proud and we've got Mr Miller at a state level. Can you tell me a little bit about the factions in politics now because you see different members of different parties in Queensland in the one house of Queensland and they all seem like they could be from different parties. You know, there's progressives in the LNP in Queensland who might look even like they're more closely aligned to you than they are to Deb. And then there's conservatives in your party. Do you find that it's hard to be an individual as well in state politics in Queensland?
Well, I think it's very interesting that we're having this discussion today because obviously you've seen the news that the father of the LNP has been dumped from the LNP Executive Council, Lawrence Brimbrook. The Borg! Obviously. The Borg, he's gone. It's very sad.
But I do think that what that really indicates is that inside the LNP, and you would have seen their ill-fated leadership challenge that occurred just about a month ago too against Deb Recklington. So what you have, I think, inside the LNP is a real internal tussle for authority within the party. Now, I think Deb exercised that authority, but I don't think she's actually fully delivered in terms of the organisation itself. So I think within the LNP, what you have is a split between the organisational arm with the parliamentary party.
And also the LNP, let's be clear, there's no liberals in Queensland anymore. There might be liberals, traditional liberals, but the LNP, that's all been all of those sort of Liberal Party people who did agree with environmental policy or did agree with social policy. Some of them recently voted to take abortion out of the criminal code, for example. They got persecuted by their own party for exercising a conscience and for being true, I think, to their liberal values. I think what you see in Queensland is not the same as New South Wales where there is a Liberal Party, or Victoria, where there is an actual Liberal Party. There are no more liberals within Queensland. It's all been absorbed within the LNP.
So when do you think that change happened? Did there were people in the Queensland LNP who had died in the wall, you know, just true blue Aussie liberals, you know, like Howard's battlers, and now they seem to be, you know, this collection of people who like to put a social issue before everything else? Oh, I think it's been, I don't think it's been on a set date. I think it has been evolving over a number of years, but it's really clear that there are, you know, those within the LNP who are very rigid, very extreme in their views around how society should be structured and what role women should play, for example. And it's those people who are trying to muscle up and exercise a level of authority. And they're certainly the players that got stuck into Deb a little while ago. So do you find like the personal freedoms that the liberals once stood for, apart from when they took our guns away, they were quite big on, you know, the individual right and, you know, almost, I mean, a light libertarianism, that's all been kind of replaced by some sort of flat earth or Christian creative science nonsense? A hundred percent. I think, well, I'm just putting it as it is.
I mean, what you do have in Queensland is people who are prepared, quite frankly, to, we have an LNP that wants to establish an anti-science task force in order to test out the scientific rigor of the CSIRO or departments within the state government agencies. They do not want to accept the science. So if they can establish an anti-science agency, then they've got some background to their lunacy, some sort of, I think, you know, third party endorsement to their lunacy.
Do you think this has come out of their base? Are these people representative of the people who are electing them? Like, is that where the change could have happened? Like, do you think that these are the views of, you know, common Queenslanders who think that we do need to take a second look into the science behind the bleaching of the Great Barrier Reef? I think a vast majority of Australians actually do believe in the science. I think where the tension is, is how do we address the things that we need to in order to make sure that our economy thrives and everybody within the economy thrives and we protect the Great Barrier Reef or protect the environment. I just think it's a convenient and opportunistic excuse for a political party like the LNP to rather than engage in the hard work that's required, just blame the science or question the science. Can I ask you what your opinion was on the anti-Adani caravan? You know, at the federal election, we saw a bunch of people from, you know, Victoria and New South Wales convoy up to central Queensland to basically tell them that they don't need jobs. They can basically go without this giant project that was going to inject millions of dollars into the local, state and federal economies. Do you think that was the right thing to do? Like, say, for example, if sort of Bob Brown coming into central Queensland and telling people how to think? So, Errol, after the federal election, I think it's fair to say that a lot of people were really confused, and a lot of people were really sad and depressed about the outcome, quite frankly, because they thought that this was an election where we could get a national policy setting around climate change, and we just failed, right? Yep. I think the convoy played a role in that, quite frankly. I did think the convoy, and I said this, I published on Facebook my position around this. I don't think it did any good to have people from outside the state, outside local communities, driving into local communities and blaming them, saying, you're the reason for climate change. You're the ones who need to change and not looking at what they themselves are contributing. I mean, it is quite ironic, I think, that they were all in cars driving up to central Queensland to deliver a message around carbon emissions when they were contributing to carbon emissions through their convoy. And that sort of divisive politics is what's stopping us from advancing as a nation on climate change and on economic inclusion and equality. Yep. Well, as we saw in the fallout of that election, a lot of people around the country who weren't pleased with the result, they were blaming Queensland. Do you think that they were right in doing that? Or is this just another case of people around the country looking to Queensland as a whipping boy for something? So there was... All of that angst directed to Queensland, I think, again, was... I think it's just simplistic and it was opportunistic.
There are real structural issues in terms of regional economies, and you guys would see it in Petuta, but it's happening everywhere, whether that's mining companies not building towns anymore, but just having FIFO workers and DITO workers. Communities are really suffering from a different way of doing business in regional Queensland and regional economies, and that's creating a lot of anxiety and fear. For example, there's many large companies, many mining companies, that put their workforce on contract labour, so they're not taking up any of the liability when it comes to proper wages and conditions and holiday pay and sick leave and all of that sort of stuff. So they're transferring that risk, and a lot of these workers are in insecure work. They're hired on casual rates. They don't get the type of proper leave arrangements and conditions and entitlements that most other Australians enjoy, and that's leading to a level of anxiety. So by people in other states not actually understanding what's happening in regional Queensland and just simply blaming them for a particular outcome, I think it's rubbish.
And one of the best analysis I have to say around what happened in Queensland during the last federal election was written by, I think it's Blaine Leake who wrote for The Monthly, and he did a really long essay, and it was titled How Good is Queensland? And he went around and he talked to people in regional Queensland in depth around what they felt during the federal election, and I think it was really useful. There's a lot of concern out there, and those concerns need to be understood if we're going to move forward. I mean, you're also dealing with, I mean, obviously, labour is an underdog in many capacities, even when they're in power, purely because of the third parties that are more aligned with the LNP or the Liberals. Namely, obviously, you've got the, 70% of the Australian media market is owned by a man in New York who doesn't have much time for you or your movement, and then, of course, you've got Clive Palmer who is throwing himself in the mix with no intention of ever getting elected. And the Greens. And, of course, the Greens, who still have your votes. But now, we've got this funny scenario now where Anastasia Palaszczuk, who, after the federal election result, was put on the front page of a Murdoch newspaper in Queensland where they put her in a crosshair and said, you're next. And she, in the face of all of that, and we are an apolitical organisation, but we have to say we are impressed by the fact that she's still polling better than Deb Frecklington. Do you have to say, like, what do you have to say about that? Is the LNP in Queensland that shit, that they can't win with all the odds in their favour?
I think that's testament to the type of strong leader that Anastasia is. I mean, in this business, and there's evidence of this right across the board, you get attacked from every quarter, I think it's pretty rattling to wake up in the morning and see your face with a crosshair over the top, superimposed with that sort of messaging. That paper did publish an apology, but quite frankly, it was outrageous, and it should never have gotten through the editorial decision-making. Anyway, so Anastasia stood up to that type of, I would say, intimidation, and here she is today, and she's leading this state, and she's done just the best job around the coronavirus. So I think, more than anything, it's a testament to the type of leader she is.
Yeah, because I think the front pages of the Courier-Mail have really regressed a lot since, you know, those days where they used to put, what's his name? Peter Beattie. That was probably a Courier-Mail highlight was when Kevin announced Peter Beattie was running for a seat at the last Labor's outgoing election, and they put Peter Beattie in a full clown costume and said, bring in the clown.
That was some good editorial work there. Also, Luke Foley, New South Wales, when they called him Luke Foliage and made him a koala on a tree because he was trying to protect their sanctuaries in the mid-north coast. There's some good journalism out there. Obviously, we make up part of that. We're not owned by Murdoch, but we have been critical of you, Jackie.
We've referred to you as a modern-day Russell Hinns, and we've called the Queensland Premier, Joanna, which was all part of it when it came to the laws for arresting protesters. Now, how did you feel about that during those Extinction Rebellion protests when your own government was passing laws to lock up protesters when we know, once upon a time, and probably very recently, you were on the front line yourself protesting certain things in the street as a law-abiding demonstrator? Did you ever get arrested protesting against Jo? I didn't get arrested protesting against Jo. I'm just a little bit too young for Jo Bjorki-Petersen. I will tell you, my first protest was against the federal Labor government.
Oh, okay. Oh, and that was about the introduction of Hex. Hex, yeah.
Yeah, so you were right there with Jo Hockie. Although he was out at the University of Sydney, wasn't he? To you and Jo Hockie fighting against the common cause. We're going to ask some more big questions, some hard-hitting questions, but firstly, we'll give you a chance to humanise yourself as a politician and a member of the political class.
Oh, God. I'll have to come back to you on that. There's a great album named after the street you grew up on. I don't know. A Vulture Street? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. But I also have the Go-Betweens bridge in my electorate as well. So, you know, there's a tension there. Okay, and favourite movie?
It's got a love powder finger. Love powder finger.
You've got to. You're in Queensland, you have to.
Favourite movie?
Albanese said The Godfather. Yes, that's a great movie. I always love watching Blindside. Okay. Is that sappy? Yeah, no? That's a good one, yeah. I like that.
Bit of football. A lot of parallels between that story and some of the happenings of the Brisbane Broncos of late.
Now, we're going to ask the big questions now. You've recently been investigated by the Triple C, the Queensland version of ICAC, of which there is currently not an agency similar to that federally, but there has been, for years there's been... Maybe one day. One day there'll be a federal ICAC, but there's an ICAC in South Australia, there's an ICAC in New South Wales, and there's the Triple C in Queensland. Now, you've mentioned the culture wars a lot throughout this interview, and the culture wars can be to blame for almost any political teacup storm, but can you explain how you ended up in the centre of an investigation, an independent corruption watchdog investigation? Independent. So, Clancy, a complaint was made, and the Triple C assesses all complaints that are made to their organisation. I want to put on the record that the Triple C is a body that was formed out of the Fitzgerald Inquiry, so it has a really important role to play in making sure that corruption doesn't take hold in Queensland as it did once upon a time under the National Party when they were in government for a long period of time. So, a complaint was made. That complaint first came through the Liberal National Party Opposition Office, and they publicised that quite widely and sent the complaint through to the Triple C. The Triple C, in their initial assessment, decided they wanted to have a better look at it and conducted an investigation, and that's how that happened.
But essentially it was over the allegation that I interfered in the recruitment - no, the selection, sorry - of a principal for a high school being built in my community. What the Triple C found was that that was not the case. I did not politically interfere, unduly interfere. I had no - there was no intention, dishonest intention. So, it was quite a gruelling episode, but the Triple C found that I had been telling the truth from the outset. It was interesting when we learnt that you had been referred to the Triple C over the new Dutton Park High-Rise South Brisbane High School because I actually thought you'd be getting investigated for the fact that that high school had to demolish Riberts, which was a famous all-you-can-eat restaurant. Now, just a figment of history in South Brisbane due to this high school, I thought they'd be investigated.
That was my favourite restaurant. That was the first place I used to go to when I got out of Boggo Road. I have to say that during my time, I have had more representation about Riberts than I have about almost anything. It was a much, much-loved restaurant, can I say, and it's a shame that it's no longer there, but yeah.
Yep, it's gone to the big car park in the sky alongside all the Sizzlers. It's gone to all the big salad bar in the sky.
All the hogs' breaths, they're all gone. They're all slowly going. Queensland's going to be - there's just no hogs' fatality in Queensland anymore.
Nope. Just one last question before we let you go, Jackie. Now that you've been cleared by the Triple C, when are the people of Queensland going to see you back in Cabinet? This year? Next year?
No, look, ultimately that's in the hands of the people of South Brisbane and my caucus colleagues after the election, but I've got a big challenge on my hands and that's what I'm focused on. South Brisbane is a rapidly evolving, changing seat and my job is to put the best case forward for my return and the return of the Palaszczuk Labor Government and that's what I'm going to be focused on. Can we just ask, is that a concern that some of the safe inner-city Labor seats will be lost to white men with dreadlocks? Look, there's no doubt that the seat has changed.
When I grew up here, it was a long time ago, I'm not going to tell you how long ago, it wasn't the place to live. It wasn't suburbia, it was near the river, there were mosquitoes, there were lots of new migrants, there was smelly wog food and stuff like that, so it wasn't the desirable place to live and there was a lot of industry, a lot of workers' cottages and now there is a significant gentrification and it's a different conversation you need to have with people when they don't rely upon government and government intervention as much as they do. So you're saying that the people of West End and Highgate Hill are so entitled that they don't think you're green enough.
That is not what I'm saying, that is definitely not what I'm saying and the other thing, the interesting dimension about coronavirus and you opened by saying that JobKeeper is being extended and we saw that JobSeeker is going to be extended today but reduced. A lot of people in my community, regardless of what suburb in my community, they have been hit by COVID economic shutdown and there's a lot of young workers who missed out on JobKeeper, they're on JobSeeker trying to get a foothold back into the economy. So these are the big issues that I'll be talking to my community about going forward into the election. Do you reckon Labor is going to play a much bigger role in Australian politics in the wake of this global pandemic? I absolutely think how the economy is shaped, the fairness, the inclusion, the equality within the economy is going to be a key issue. I've looked at some of the metrics around those people who are withdrawing their super last financial year, this financial year. I understand people's desperation but it just is deferring the desperation or deferring a level of poverty or less income or less equality, more inequality during retirement. So I do worry about those sorts of economic measures that the Commonwealth government has put forward. So I think Labor's got a big job ahead of it in terms of being part of the national debate around a fairer economy, around a more inclusive economy and I absolutely think Albo and Jim Chalmers are up to it.
Well, that's a good note to end on, Jackie. I'd just like to thank you for your time today and I look forward to catching up with you outside the Rumpus Room in West End. Sooner rather than later.
That's one venue that hasn't gentrified. They got rid of the vinyl floors at the Boundary Hotel. You can't get rid of the big trees outside the Rumpus Room in West End.
Thank you for joining us and thank you for allowing us to lead you down certain traps which you've managed to evade. Thank you for joining us. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Jackie.
And to wrap up today's show, we're going to depart a little bit from the usual format on the Batooda Advocate Radio Show. Given all the conversations we've had about rock music and protest in the River City, we're going to finish today with a Queensland protest rock song by Dan Rennie, Patty McHugh featuring Glenn Skewthorpe. This is called Can You Hear Us? It's a powerful tribute and anthem to those who have lost their lives at the hands of the criminal justice system. Take it away, boys. You were someone's owner Tony Chatfield and Bradley Coolwell Monty Sol You were someone's uncle Bruce Leslie Maureen Mandurjarra Milton Wells You were someone's father Clarence Negan Veronica Baxter Muriel Binks Someone's mother There's Wayne Morrison and Barbara Tiers I need a blanket but nothing to see here There's Douglas Scott and Greg Dunrock I'll fight his bonds, I'll keep on going There's Harrison Day and Trevor King And Charlie Michael, it ain't nothing Cos I've got more like Alastair Riversley Charlie Hyler, it's just too easy There's Barbara Yarra and Kristin Jones And Roy Walker, and on it goes And Daniel Yoch, and Sheldon Kelly And Dixon Green, are some ones stopping me? Teller, Harry Noble Robert Walker, and Sonny Coolwell Albert Dugan, and David Dunga Stanley Brown, and Miss Tanya Day Shout it out when I clear your lines Joyce Egan, and James Jackson Coming with you, David Cooper, John Powell Whispering it out loud Whispering it out Whispering it out Can you hear me?
Can you hear me? |
cracked | big_announcement_rom_com_is_coming_back_in_february | Hello YouTube, I have a terrible mustache and Caitlin large is here and that means one thing We're shooting the second season of rom.com. We're happy to announce it if this is the first time you've heard of it We've talked about it before but it's new to you. So it's an announcement It's going really well We're really super happy that we got to do this show. The first one was really Personal to me and I had a lot of fun making it and working on it with my good childhood buddy over here And because you all watched it so many times got your friends to watch we got to make a second season we got renewed So thanks guys. We got eight episodes coming your way. We're gonna read the the titles of the first four of those episodes The titles are really good the episodes This is episode one and it's called added it the big Like doing it together Oh Episode two, that's a type of monkey Episode three, holy cats that might be my favorite favorite title. Yeah Episode four dine store goombas That one was goombas.
I think I said it wrong goomba goomba goombas You all hear how she said y'all hear I said super mario is right That's the thing is super mario I was also never sure writing this and I didn't know research if that was if goomba is a slur For what? I don't know. Like I know it's it's it's I think it's a thing that Italian people say and I'm Italian so I'm allowed to say Yeah, you prove a little hand motions. Oh, yeah, so forth Daniel's Italian. I'm Italian Yeah, I was dying and you are Irish German and English Really interesting pretty We're really really white. Yeah.
Yeah So now on to the interview portion of this very thing meticulously planned thing Yeah What is your then your what are you most excited about this season? What are you happy about other than showing the world your your foxy new haircut? Oh, yeah I hope you guys like it. I don't really care actually if you like it. I like it Um, I am excited I'm really excited to be working with Damien who's playing one of the new characters this season cuz he's just like Out of control funny. It's been I mean we said we've just started but he's like I have a really hard time not laughing Whenever he's saying anything in general Definitely just exploring a character a little bit more I think it was cool to like, you know meet these characters and now here's all these new situations and you see the dynamic sort of Like more particulars of each relationship between all the characters if you had to compare the writing of this show to I'll say Breaking Bad and and and 30 Rock. It has to be one of those Or like any show on television I'm not giving you that it was really uncomfortable writing I think that's gonna be it.
We're the show So bad of announcements the show will be out in February. It'll be out just in time For Valentine's Day and Presidents Day. Yeah, all the sales will have four episodes out There are presents Yeah mattresses and cars and stuff After Valentine's is good hard-shaped anything. Yeah, you know else we learned that we didn't get to Write into the season fun fact that came about through research for writing the show Dating websites like hunker down and prepare because immediately after Valentine's Day Huge waves of people, especially those sites that profit in making men cheat on their wives And and and when I mean people cheat on their spouses like like Valentine's Day happens and it's a dud and then on February 15th People are like well, it's time to cheat.
Let me go actually Madison Anyway Much more pleasant than that and now Caitlin had a speech. She wanted to get a brief speech and a song that you wanted to do Yeah, it's really well, I'm not |
dropout | if_sex_ed_was_taught_by_your_wood_shop_teacher | Okay everyone, I am Miss Cathy Gelato, normally your woodshop teacher, but today I'm your sex ed so. So today's topic is the male and female reproductive organs. So let's get started.
Oh and full disclosure, I'm a die-hard lesbian and I've never seen a real life naked man in my life. All right, this is a female's vagina, all right? And this is a male dildo, okay? Every female has a vagina and the dildo comes on every male, write that down.
Now let's do some labeling, okay? On the inside you get the cervix, on the side you get the fallopian tubes, which of course hold the ovaries. And for this, here we go, uh-huh, okay, and here's the top, okay? And here's the bottom, all right? And in the middle you got a hose-like area, all right?
Now, as middle schoolers your bodies will begin to change. Soon you'll grow hair in your privates, your breasts will get bigger, and at some point you'll get chaperia. Now, ladies, for you, this means that once a month the blood stored in your uterus will be released to your vagina. Gentlemen, I'm assuming you also bleed out your dildos at some point during the month, you know?
I'm not sure where your blood comes from. Maybe the brain? The point is it's a safe and natural life process. Now, I know this is a confusing time for many of you, so I will now answer your anonymous question, okay? Here we go.
What is an orgasm? Easy, okay? Now, ladies, for you, this means the stimulated muscles in your pelvic region will cause your nerve synapses to fire and release endorphins. Gentlemen, when you orgasm, your dildo will explode. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | An_Ambitious_Bloke_A_Waiter_In_The_Firing_Line_A_Big_Rebrand_More_October_21 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Bullet and you're joined by Clancy Overall, myself, Errol Parker, editor at large and Effie Bateman, lifestyle editor and emerging tabloid columnist slash netball reporter. How are we all today? Yes, I'm really good. Really good. Looking forward to the weekend. How are you guys? Yeah, we're doing all right.
We're, you know, just taking it week by week. Pandemic's definitely over. Everyone's back at work and silly season's about to start. So things are going to be rather fucking chaotic in the world of media and political lobbying.
True, because Clancy and I just got back from corporate lunch with the sales team. We took out a few of our major sponsors over lunch. They did get a bit rough in reality, but we were able to make an exit. Pretty quickly.
I mean, those big, tall, skinny bottles of rose and Riesling. I think you were ordering Riesling? Riesling and Rose.
Yeah, well, we, you know, it was only top shelf stuff, really, which I've also learned isn't a term for wine. You can't really describe wine as top shelf, but no. Yeah. You know, my cultural cast are on display.
You can't order a midi of Drambuie either from that lovely place that we had lunch at. No, I'm learning that. The Yacht Club doesn't even serve Drambuie.
But yeah, you know, things are ramping up. And, you know, the clients there at Glencore, you know, some of our major advertisers, Glencore, Adani, you know, they were ready to get stuck in. Our good friends at Santos.
James Hardy. We had a few sponsors there. British American Tobacco. All I know about James Hardy is that they're paying so much money for their asbestos victims.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, see, no, no, see, this, this is, you remember Julie Bishop, right? You know, people are always going off about her being a fucking girl boss and all this shit like that. But she, before her life, you know, like in the lab of luxury on the taxpayer dime, she used to work for James Hardy and the biggest weapon that James Hardy had against these people that were claiming these asbestos injuries against James Hardy was the fact that James Hardy had infinitely more time and money than these poor asbestos victims had. And their angel of death was Julie Bishop. She was the one who was taking them down to the Supreme Court in Perth, wasting their time with pointless shit in the fucking courts until they die. And they couldn't settle.
Anyway, they've cleaned up their act and they're great advertisers and we were glad to have them at lunch. Of course, yeah, they've completely changed. They've changed their whole model. They've changed their name even. Anyway, what's in the news, Irfy?
And starting off, does anyone have a Samsung charger, says ambitious bloke at a house party. Yes, an ambitious bloke that no one really knows that well has this weekend made the mistake of asking people if they have a Samsung charger, which alerted the guests that something might be a bit odd about this fella. While proving that he didn't really know anyone at the party, Jack asked other partygoers if there was any chance that someone might have a Samsung charger because his South Korean telephone was about to go flat, apparently. He said to us, mate, do you know if any of the people here have a Samsung?
I'm on three percent. The fact that there was very little chance that anyone there had a Samsung phone charger didn't stop Jack. We didn't get his last name from testing the waters and finding something to talk about, I guess. Wait, is that one over there? Said Jack. Oh, no, it's for an iPhone. His plan to find a PowerPoint that is out of plain sight and plug it in without the risk of having people accidentally pick it up seemed unlikely by the minute. Yeah, well, it seems that Europe is once again 15 years in front of the diamond tennis shy. I mean, a USB-C cable out in these parts is about, I don't know, is as rare as a Holden without stretch timing change these days. Absolutely.
And up next, a waiter doesn't know how much trouble he's in after rich old duck skim decaf cap isn't hotter than the surface of the sun, like she asked for. The cafe inside of Petuda Grove shopping center where this happened, it's a popular haunt for many of the old matriarchs of our town's pastoral and mining industry. It was the scene of this epic blow up where this old duck was, you know, not happy that her coffee arrived too cold. Yes, while shoppers run in and out of coals past the bakery and the butchers, the dementia cafe is an oasis for tired shoppers and carers who need a place to park their elderly clients while they themselves get a rest. One of the waiters there, I think his name was Dylan, our reporter, said he took the order from an elderly customer who made a point of having their coffee as close to boiling as the laws of thermodynamics would allow. However, the coffee that the barista made was only slightly below boiling.
Our reporter was on the scene as Dame Beryl Overall, great, great aunt of The Advocate's editor, Clancy Overall, that's me, that is my great, great aunt, went off the rails. And apparently she did go off the rails.
She was, you know, confiding in her carer that she was not happy that this coffee was colder than a handshake from Paul Keating. It just wasn't up to scratch. But instead of saying anything to Dylan, the waiters, she just scowled him and didn't say anything. My phone was blowing up, I'll tell you that much.
Up next, the Bureau of Meteorology is going through their Snoop Lion phase. Yes, the Bureau of Meteorology has this week raised eyebrows by randomly insisting that they no longer wish to go by the acronym BOM, which is a rebranding decision, a good chance that was a Morrison government rebranding decision, that cost them a staggering $220,000 with the aid of communication consultants. Though nobody knows where this money has gone to, as whoever in charge forgot to lock in the new Twitter handles, and BOM is still being used on both the website and the app. In what can only be described as BOM's Snoop Lion phase, which refers to when Snoop Dogg decided to go by the name of a different animal in 2013, the Bureau of Meteorology released a statement urging everyone to refer to them as, quote, The Bureau. Yes, BOM's half-hearted attempt at changing their name also shows that they absolutely know nothing about Australian nickname culture, which has always shown that once you've been given one, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, nor can you try and come up with your own nickname, as everyone else will just double down, or make it even longer, such as BOM-er or BOM-o.
I like BOM-o. BOM-o works. Yeah, I was reading the BOM-o today.
We're going to get some rain. Well, the people of Bombardierie would have something to say about that, but that's for another time. And speaking of beautiful weather, beautiful Sydney turns it on for Ned Brockman's final leg. The picturesque Harbour City, also known as Australia's largest open-air sewer, has outdone itself last weekend by turning on some textbook Sydney weather ahead of one of the most important days in the 2022 sporting calendar. Yes, this comes as Bondi Beach played host to the finish line of a mega-marathon runner, Ned Brockman's final leg, on a 4,000-kilometre journey from Perth to Sydney, completely on foot. After departing Cottesloe Beach in Perth on the 1st of September, the 23-year-old - wow, he looks good - has since averaged more than 80 kilometres a day since, and arrived in Bondi Beach last weekend - no, it was on Monday. Yeah, he came in there about 5.30, right? Yes, and the superhuman from the rural town of Forbes raised more than - well, close to 2 million now for Mobilise, a charity that helps those experiencing homelessness, and it's a charity we've heard very little about because the media seem more interested in the blonde mullet than the issues that he's trying to solve by running 4,000 kilometres. If you have forgotten, there is a raging cost-of-living crisis across this country right now and a lot of people have been moved into homelessness, mostly women over 60 years of age. Ned the legend was looking to fix this, and he's raised close to $2 million doing it, while jogging the equivalent of more than 270 city-to-surf races. And of course, as we said before, that final leg was in the pissing rain. So, good on you, Ned, and sorry about what that horrible city did to you.
Well, don't worry, Ned, because Forbes is also turning it on at the moment. Oh, sending our well wishes out there. Anyway, that's all making news this weekend. See you later. Ciao. Hooroo! |
SaturdayNightLive | roadhouse_bar_snl | Hey, buy you a drink? excuse me? name's Tommy. work at the factory down the road. well, used to, till I made it big. buy you a drink. I'm good. yeah, me too. I'm better than good. used to make 30k a year max at the factory. now, you can add another zero in front of that. in front? Bartender, I'll have a corpse survivor number two.
Do you have Boktor 50-year-old gin? we do not. do you have Roku Japanese craft Gin? I think you know we don't. and then I'll just have some Kindle Gin at Tequila with a splash of Bethany Frankl Rose. Same for my man here. No, absolutely not. Hey, if he doesn't drink his, I will. I'm not driving. you're not?
This bar is in the middle of nowhere.
Yeah, I'll figure it out. Man, still can't believe I'm pulling in six figures a year when I was barely making three at the factory. you made three figures? that's like $100. max. Now, I'm pulling in five, six, maybe seven figures. and all I got to do is sell pictures of my feet online. crazy, right? I'm sorry. what? yeah, thought I'd work at that factory till the day I died, just like my old man, eating leftover food out of the trash. now, all I got to do is upload a couple hundred footpicks a day and I'm pulling in six, seven, maybe eight figures a month. So, $10 million a month? at this rate, probably. Hey, buy you a drink. what is happening right now? name's Shep. used to work at the factory up the road. I was a slave to the man, and now I am the Man. I added two zeros to the front of my salary. and all I got to do is upload five or 600 footpicks an hour. uh, you think? bartender. we'll have three black cherry zombies, and do you have runs of Capyce and Terrier up? how would we have that? Then I'll just take a Jason Derulo vodka with a splash of Martha Stewart Chardonnay and make it six. hey, I'm not driving. neither of you is driving. it's a roadhouse barn, man, and the nearest town is like 15 miles away. Yeah, I'll figure it out. Now, what if I told you I was pulling in eight, nine figures a year, and all I got to do was show pictures of my feet online? I would say that's insane and fake. All right, then. What if I told you you could literally quadruple your salary, and all you got to do is let us take between one and 2,000 photos of your feet and maybe also your genitals?
I'm sorry. do you two know each other? somewhat. I'm his dad. and I've at times been his son.
Thought you said your old man died in the factory. Well, I was basically dead, working 10, 15 shifts a week, pulling in two, three figures, max. Two figures is $10. max.
Now I make two figures per foot, and I'm not a slave to the men, you know? spending seven days a week at the factory eating leftover food out of their trays. Why did the factory have leftover food? It was a Cheesecake Factory. they test the new recipes on us, and if we got sick, they moved it to the back of the menu.
But who's laughing now? The manager that spit in my face and said, get Out Of Here! you don't work here! Stop eating our trash!
Or the guy who makes 11 figures a year posting videos of his feet, balls, and butthole. Oh, My. God. This is Horrible.
Is it horrible to make 12, 15 fingers a week? Fingers. So, come on. we got our ring, lights set up in the bathroom. let a father and his estranged son buy you some Channing Tatum potato whiskey with a splash of Danny Devito lemon shell. and then, take off your pants and your underwear and let us film you nude undercarriage for the next eight to 12 hours, Max. Well, hey, if I can make 15 fingers a week, I'm in. let's swing by the Cheesecake Factory first.
Oh, never know.
Cheesecake Factory. Stop eating our trash. |
dropout | Political_Paranoia_Full_Episode | Two secret stoners will attempt to hide their high without getting caught. A poser is on their team to help throw off the scent. They'll know who the stoners are, but the stoners won't know who the poser is. Through a series of challenges, the other players will try to sniff the stoners out and eliminate them from the game. Each turn, the meta can choose one person to save. They can even choose themselves as long as it's never twice in a row. The NART can find out if a person is a stoner and use that information to eliminate them. Rounding out the table are three additional citizens. If the stoners can eliminate the other players and be the last one standing, they win.
This is Paranoia. Hello, everybody, and welcome to Paranoia.
Today's episode, we are talking politics. In a game where voting is so important, we wanted to make our little foray into political voting, aka politics.
Listen, a lot of these intros were handwritten by yours truly, and I am reciting them verbatim. Okay everyone, look around, because two people at this table just took a giant bong rip. Before we get started, we're going to fly in some snacks for you all to enjoy. We're talking ceviche, we're not, we're not, we're talking Doritos, we're talking Mike and Ikes. Okay guys, let's hop into our game. I want everyone to please take one of these. Do not look at it and pass the stack around. Let me tell you a little bit about what we're about to do. This is a futuristic show. I'm trying to guess what's going to happen.
Here you have a brand new Pledge of Allegiance. It's not to the flack. In the future, Trump has bought the chain Senor Frogs. This is a Pledge of Allegiance to Senor Frog himself.
I got thrown out of a Senor Frogs in Old San Juan. No, you didn't. I got asked to leave.
No, where? Where in the world?
Old San Juan. In Old San Juan, he said.
No. Oh my God, you're wreaking havoc in Puerto Rico? Wait, why? I have to know. Why were you kicked out of a Senor Frog?
It's kind of a long story. I don't know what kind of time we have.
Puerto Rico's been through enough. I really have. Okay. Everybody flip over. We are all going to recite this together. I pledge allegiance to Senor Frogs, all seventeen Caliente locations, and to the cantina in Cabo San Lucas, one yard of beer poured through a funnel with a stranger in front holding my hips. Amen. Thank you. And pass those all back. Amazing. Here we go. That's so funny.
You guys can all keep these after the show. Let me know. I can get them framed. I'm going to sign one for the fans. Yeah, please.
Let's just hop right into gameplay, shall we? This is our first round of play.
Everyone, please close your eyes. I want to talk to the two stoners. Open up your eyes.
My name is Marlena Rodriguez. My name is Grant O'Brien.
The role I need to get today is stoner. I think I'm allergic to not being high. Otherwise, later I'll have to smoke my weed and I'm trying to conserve. Whether I smoke now or smoke in like an hour, I'm going to get high today. All right. I'm a stoner. My only concern is I hate smoking out of bawings. All right, I will light it for you.
Wonderful. I hate bucks. Okay, look, it's not a contest. Wow. We're not in competition with each other. We're on the same team, you understand? The modern day.
I feel like I could sing. I think that's the move. We just do one? I'm dead right now. Are you ready? All right. Here we go. Stoners, who would you like to eliminate first? Okay, thank you. Close your eyes. Now I want to talk to the poser. I am Ana. Okay, cool.
I'm the poser and I've never been happier. Poser, these are the two stoners.
Close your eyes. Now I want to talk to the medic. My name is Sophia, the medic. I haven't thought about strategy for this role at all, really, so I got some work to do, honey. Who would you like to save? Close your eyes. Now I want to talk to the narc. Hello, my name is Ellie Woods. I'm the narc and I'm coming to knock on your door and take your drugs away from you. I think I'm going to make some enemies today. Who would you like to know about? Close your eyes.
My name is Ruha. My name is Chad. My name is Michael.
I'm hoping to get any card that is not stoner. Citizen.
I'm so happy. Everybody wake up.
You hate to see it happen. Someone here burnt out in the voting process.
Ana. I'm sorry, but you've been kicked out. No. Ana.
You can take the Doritos with you. You must make your way to the loser's lounge.
This was a huge disappointment. I feel betrayed. I was afraid of having enemies, but now everybody else should be afraid because they're my enemy.
What do you guys think? Now is the time for deliberation. I take issue with Grant's eyes. I've heard that before. I'm just going to say that.
That's the first thing I noticed when I sat down and you were the first person to have a loli. I wasn't. Sofia was.
But I second it. Okay. Oh, wow. All right, Grant, you have been formally seconded. You've been formally seconded. You have 30 seconds.
Tell us why you're not the stoner. I have a good reason, but I don't know if I can say it. What? I don't know if it's the kind of thing I'm supposed to say. Shay, anything? I'm not the stoner because they need me for the third game they're filming today. No, you can't. I'm just, I don't know.
You guys can believe what you want or you can go. My hands are tied on. I'm not high. You can say whatever you want. All right, everyone close your eyes. Hands in front of you. If you believe Grant is high, raise your hands. Hands down. Eyes open.
Grant, I'm sorry, but you're still in the game. That was a real quick accusation. Yeah. I think you look high too. Wow, all right. Michael, 30 seconds uninterrupted. And that water bottle fidgeting is always, yeah. You didn't speak until spoken to. Sure, that's fair.
What if I'm just playing the game smart? What if that's just who I am inherently as a person? I feel like that's not a smart move. You really just want to, you know. Yeah, but what if somebody who's just not very outgoing, like, you know, I don't know. I'm backing myself into a corner. I'm not, yeah, for sure. No, because you're all against me. I can tell it. Oh, hey. I mean, if you're nervous, it sounds like paranoia.
Oh, God, no. But, like, for real, I'm not stoned. Only on Dropout. I'm not stoned. I become a lot more talkative when I am stoned, and that is the truth.
Wow. All right, you guys, 30 seconds is up. Everyone close your eyes. We're now going to vote on Michael. Everyone's eyes closed. Raise your hand if you think Michael is stoned. Hands down. Eyes open.
Michael, you've been sent out of the game. Michael, what were you? Listen. Oh, that hurts.
I didn't think about playing the game smartly. I just cared about, like, calling people out and winning. If I had been stoned and they all came at me, I would have been really calm about it, but, like, I wasn't. So, like, weed keeps me calm, and I didn't know what to say. So I think I shot myself in the foot.
We are going to go into our second challenge. This is one I'm really excited about. We are going to bring out giant posters for different political candidates. All you see is a picture of them and their slogan. I need you to canvas for them to the group. Let us know why we should be voting for this person. And today we are going to start with RuPaul, actually. Oh, great. So I'm going to flip this poster. You're working with only what you can see, and you're pitching this person to us.
I don't think there are names on these.
No, so you got to, great. You can just name her. All right. This amazing candidate, thank you, thank you. Stacy Malone is running on a pure feminist campaign. Better than what we've been dealing with. Am I right, everyone? Same. Seriously.
Chad, why don't you take it away?
Okay, so Jeffrey Dahmer. Jeffrey Dahmer.
He's not an environmentalist. But he just doesn't think it happens the way you all think it happens. He thinks more of our tech, our phones. I'm not high.
Okay, Ellie, here's yours. Now this is a slogan no one has ever heard before. I want to introduce you guys to Fred White. Hey. Now, Fred White comes from your traditional upbringing, except that he had a lot of friends of color.
And what he's running on... Except for... Well, he's pretty traditional, but...
The platform he's running on will actually help him as well as all of us, because what he wants to do is replace food with Taco Bell. And wouldn't that be wonderful for everyone?
Okay, you're up. All right. You've kind of got a lot of explaining on your hands, but I'm sure it's fine. I'm sure you picked a good candidate.
This is Sharon Butter McGillicuddy, and... Sharon Butter? Butter. And like her name, she loves to share butter with the masses and anything that's white.
You might go to the mall and be like, oh, that person's standing too close to me. They seem different, and I don't like them.
All you have to do is create safe space for people like her, which are actually a minority, believe it or not. We're talking white women. We're talking a white woman minority.
All right, Grant, you are up. Is that Matthew McConaughey? Yeah. When I was talking about what's great about high school girls, how I keep getting older, but they stay the same age, what I was referring to was America's need for a new generation of leadership. Are you okay? I'm fine.
Everyone give it up for Matthew McConaughey. Matthew McConaughey.
I think we learned a lot in that round. And you know what? Let's just hope you all survive another night. Ooh.
Everybody, eyes closed.
It is time to move on to our second round of stoner gameplay. I would like to talk to the two stoners.
Who would you like to send away? Great. Let's talk to the narc. Narc, who would you like to know about?
Close your eyes. I would like to talk to the medic. Who would you like to save? Close your eyes.
Everybody wake up. First copy.
Last night was so boring. Nothing happened. Yay! Ooh. We're back. Nothing happened.
So the numbers are still strong, you guys are all here, and now you get a deliberation round. At the risk of being the first to j'accuse, I think Marlena has been...
So when Michael was voted out and we found out Citizen, I noticed that you kind of were like, oh, you did a little, you didn't really react. Eyes open. Michael, you've been sent out of the game. I'm so sorry.
Okay, so we have a one for Marlena. We don't have a second. I feel like Safiya's been laughing a lot. I'm gonna second, I'm gonna give a second. I'm gonna throw a second. For Safiya?
No, no. For Marlena. For Marlena.
If you can't get attention, then you're high. On Marlena, how are you letting everybody know you are not the stoner? You know, I just feel like I'm around people that just don't know that I kind of look into the distance most of the time.
Okay. Even if I'm being spoken to directly, it's something I'm working on. Oh, no. And... We called out such a soft point. I just hope my meds kick in soon.
Okay, everyone, we're gonna vote on Marlena. Eyes closed. Raise your hand if you think Marlena is stoned. Hands down. Eyes open. Marlena, you were kicked out of the game.
The tie goes to the citizens. So we're doing politics? We're doing politics in this episode. But we're not doing justice!
I'm so sorry, Marlena. You were kicked out of the game.
I was a stoner!
Okay, all right, all right, all right. There's nothing I could have done different. I was myself. I brought 79%. Should have won.
Let's move on to our third and final game. We just looked at some future candidates, but we are now going to test your memory of presidents of the past. We are going to go around in a circle and list presidents without repeating any as long as we can go.
I never studied American history, so here I go. You grew up in Switzerland.
Let's do it. Can we do Jeopardy rules, last name, and not full name? Sure. I like that. Can we just do first names? You have a good thread. James. All right, we're starting with you.
Lincoln. Lincoln was said, right? Lincoln was said.
Mr. California Tenuous. Guys, we are going into our final round of game play.
Everyone, eyes closed. Let's talk to the stoner. Who would you like to kick out of the game? Close your eyes. Let's talk to the medic. Who would you like to save? Close your eyes. Let's talk to the narc. Who would you like to know about? Close your eyes. Everybody wake up.
It's all fun and games, but Chad, I am sorry. That's stupid. No, you cannot say a word. You must make your way to the loser. I'm going to say something, but I want to say something. Let Chad talk.
All of a sudden, we both have white wine? I did not come here to make friends.
All right, well, ta-ta. Yes. Great.
Marlena, she kind of gave a look right when Michael was accused. When he said he was the citizen, she felt like, you know, sort of like an evil villain who was happy that they got away with something. So, called her out.
You guys really need to get this vote absolutely correct or the stoners will win. Let's go for it, guys.
Grant. We made a mistake once. Grant? All right, Grant, 30 seconds uninterrupted.
What are you? There are no other College Humor cast members here, and so they need me for the third game. That was the way you said before. And so, and I don't want, I don't want, I don't think I should leave because I, I mean, what would anyone do? Elizabeth Holmes. They can't play the next game.
Okay, we are going to move right to voting. Everyone close your eyes. Raise your hand if you think Grant is a stoner. Hands down. Grant, wake up. Grant, you were unanimously voted out.
Why? What were you? I was a stoner.
You're our next citizen to win! Yay! We'll see you next week. Hey, baby, if you don't vote, you're a piece of shit. Go fuck yourself.
So now that we have both of you here, how do you feel like you both played the game? Do you like some marijuana?
No. All right. I don't know what's in that. That's fair. Confucius. Yeah.
What's the question? What are you talking about? Some people in life are coffers, and some people in life are not. I don't know what you mean.
But it's time for a sober moment. Joining me now is our chief cannabis industrial complex correspondent, Ellie Woods. Thanks, Allie. Thanks for having me. Of course.
We all know weed is fun, but it's not fun for everyone. Even though over half the country thinks it's time to legalize weed, marijuana arrests have actually increased in the past few years, and black people have been have actually increased in the past few years, and black and Latinx people are almost four times more likely to get arrested due to our criminal justice system being... There are millions of people still in jail because of the racist and dangerous war on drugs, so now that weed is normal and we're all vaping with our hot Grammys on Instagram, isn't it time to read up on the tie between the war on drugs and the prison industrial complex?
Be the good little stoner we know you are and contact your representatives. Let them know that you stand for responsible criminal justice policies.
You could even do it on your phone right now. What kind of phone do you have?
Hey, did you like that episode of Paranoia? Well, I've got great news. There's plenty more on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and sign up for your free trial today.
You don't even have to take a drug test. Just kidding, I'm gonna give you a drug test. I'm on my way to your house right now to give you a drug test.
You better not fail. Or I'll arrest you. Mr. California 10 himself. All right, guys. We are going into our final round of game play.
Everyone, eyes closed. Let's talk to the stoner. Who would you like to kick out of the game? Close your eyes. Let's talk to the medic. Who would you like to save? Close your eyes. Let's talk to the narc. Who would you like to know about? Close your eyes. Everybody wake up.
It's all fun and games, but Chad, I am sorry. That's stupid.
No, you cannot say a word. You must make your way to the... I'm gonna say something, but I want to say something. Let Chad talk.
All of a sudden, we both have white wine. I did not come here to make friends.
All right, well, ta-ta. Yes.
Marlena, she kind of gave a look right when Michael was accused when he said he was the citizen. She felt like, you know, sort of like an evil villain who was happy that they got away with something, so called her out.
You guys really need to get this vote absolutely correct or the stoners will win. Let's go for it, guys.
Grant, we made a mistake once. Grant? All right, Grant, 30 seconds uninterrupted.
What are you? There are no other College Humor cast members here, and so they need me for the third game. That was the one you said before.
And so I don't want... I don't want... I don't think I should leave because I...
I mean, what would anyone do? They can't play the next game.
That's so... Okay, we are going to move right to voting. Everyone close your eyes. Raise your hand if you think Grant is a stoner. Hands down. Grant, wake up. Grant, you were unanimously voted out.
Why? What were you? I was a stoner. We'll see you next week. Hey, baby. If you don't vote, you're a piece of shit. Go fuck yourself. So now that we have both of you here, how do you feel like you both played the game? It seems like you... Would you like some marijuana?
No. All right. I don't know what's in that. That's fair, that's fair. In futures. Yeah.
What's the question? What are you talking about? Some people in life are coffers, and some people in life are not coffers. I don't know what you mean.
But it's time for a sober moment. Joining me now is our chief cannabis industrial complex correspondent, Ellie Woods. Thanks, Ally. Thanks for having me. Of course.
We all know weed is fun, but it's not fun for everyone. Even though over half the country thinks it's time to legalize weed, marijuana arrests have actually increased in the past few years. And Black and Latinx people are almost four times more likely to get arrested due to our criminal justice system being fucked. There are millions of people still in jail because of the racist and dangerous war on drugs. So now that weed is normal and we're all vaping with our hot Grammys on Instagram, isn't it time to read up on the tie between the war on drugs and the prison industrial complex?
Be the good little stoner we know you are and contact your representatives. Let them know that you stand for responsible criminal justice policies.
You could even do it on your phone right now. What kind of phone do you have?
Hey, did you like that episode of Paranoia? Well, I've got great news. There's plenty more on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and sign up for your free trial today.
You don't even have to take a drug test. Just kidding, I'm going to give you a drug test. I'm on my way to your house right now to give you a drug test. You better not fail or I'll arrest you. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_claims_police_cried_at_his_arrest_biden_downplays_pentagon_documents_leak | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. the person who allegedly leaked classified Pentagon documents on social media has been identified as Jack Teixeira, who is a Massachusetts Air National Guardsman, I assume, in a school play. To share, I shared the document in a private social media group that members say started as a place where young men could play war-themed video games, bond over their love of guns, and post-racist memes. and now it's ruined. it was revealed that just before his arrest, Teixeira contacted the members of his group and said, guys, it's been good. I love you all. And, of course, his friends all replied, gay. the online group Teixeira started was named Thug Shaker Central. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta. Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified U.s. documents that were posted on social media, because when you're over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about.
In an interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump's stories always crying? People came to me, and they saw me, and they were crying. very tough, very strong, very powerful men. they were crying. they had tears in their eyes, and they were all crying. Everybody was crying. people were crying. they were crying. These are people that didn't cry when they were babies. they never cried in their life, And they were crying. A lot of them were crying. you're bragging that when people see you, they just burst into tears? Because it never sounds like excited crying, like when teenagers see Bts. it sounds more like scared crying, like when hostages see jigsaw.
After a judge's ruling left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. officials like California Governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts Governor Maura Healy, and New York comedian Michael Che. After it was revealed that Harlan Crow bought Clarence Thomas' Georgia home, Crow said he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. it'll be called the Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame. His conservative judges and pundits have defended Thomas by saying that his deals with Harlan Crow are not corrupt because Crow had no business before the court. But come on, does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn't want them to overturn Roe V. Wade? He looks like he's on a pamphlet called why You Have To Keep It.
President Biden traveled to Ireland this week and is being called the most Irish president since Kennedy. in fact, Biden has so much Irish blood that he doesn't need a drink to slur his words. Easy. Senator Dianne Feinstein, who is 89, is facing calls to resign from fellow Democrats. but unfortunately, Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler. Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina announced the launch of an exploratory committee for a 2024 presidential run. that name again, is Tim Scott, as in Tim Scott, no chance of being a nominee. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Mulan | My father cannot fight, so I will take his place.
This is Peter Rosenthal, Head Film Critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be looking at Mulan, Disney's latest live-action reimagining of one of its classic animated features and a movie I'm calling, a magical thrill ride that's fun for the whole family. In order to finally, at long last, attain my dream of getting a pull quote from one of my reviews used in a movie's ad campaign, a goal that I have somehow never accomplished in forty years as a film critic. Following a young woman in ancient China who disguises herself as a man to take her father's place in a war against the Huns, Mulan's gorgeous cinematography, deft direction and stellar cast make it a tour de force that represents filmmaking at its best. Which, again, I'm only saying to achieve my lifelong aspiration to get one of my reviews featured in a movie, trailer or TV spot. Trading the original sing-along numbers and goofy sidekicks for richer interpersonal dynamics and more complex themes, Mulan is a new high-watermark for Disney that can only be described with one word, unforgettable.
Four decades I've been saying horseshit like this and I haven't gotten so much as a single quote on a poster. I came close back in 1999 after I blew smoke up Roland Emmerich's ass and said the 13th floor was an edge-of-your-seat techno-thriller and when Columbia finally got in touch to ask for reprint permission, it was one of the greatest days of my life. But then, lo and behold, it finally came out on VHS and all I saw was that stupid tagline where my quote should have been. You can go there, even if it doesn't exist. What the fuck does that even mean, huh? So anyway, now I'm saying things like this.
With the star-making turn from Li Liu Yifei, this is Mulan like you've never seen her. You like that, Disney? Now how about this, thrilling, moving, and laugh-out-loud funny. Or how about this, five stars, A-plus.
I don't even do ratings, I don't give a fuck. How do you think it feels to dedicate most of your life to an industry only to be passed over again and again while Peter Travers gets any praise he shits out plastered front and center on every poster that comes down the pike? It sucks, all right? So if calling this the best Disney movie since Beauty and the Beast is what it takes to get a blurb, then I'm gonna pump those assholes at the Disney marketing department so full of fawning sound bites they'll blow their load right onto a cardboard cut-out-of-motion. I mean, look, I have a wife and two kids. I've put in a sterling career celebrating the medium of cinema. I should feel satisfied. And yet, for all that time, I've had this nagging sense that something was missing. This is it. Disney, just put my fucking quote on your DVD jewel case, that's all I'm asking. Otherwise a lie on my deathbed knowing my life has been a complete waste. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | Hundreds_Dead_In_Egypt_s_Inspiring_March_Toward_Democracy | Israel builds a new settlement to hold Palestinian peace talks. A report finds that the Washington Redskins name is only offensive if you think about what it means. And a dog is unaware it isn't starving. Allow me to introduce the three-time nominee of the Jacob R. Langley Award for Best Online Video News Recap. This is the Onion Week in Review.
This week, Egypt's death toll skyrocketed to over 525 in the country's inspiring march toward democracy. Sources confirmed Thursday that Egypt's ongoing path to progress, which has also left well over 3,000 injured, is expected to only further lead the Middle Eastern nation into a new era of prosperity and result in hundreds more killed by the end of the month.
After seven years of research, scientists at the University of California announced this week that they had finally completed an extensive project to pronounce the human genome. Lead researcher Timothy Yancy explained the findings to The Onion. Well, after some false starts, we're now able to conclusively say that the human genome is pronounced Che- cant-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat... Eh, that last part wasn't quite right.
ItIt's actually Ca-ca-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-cat A report released this week by the Brookings Institution confirmed that some shirts are good and other shirts are not good. The research conducted over a 10-year period concluded that the average American has five to seven good shirts and eight or more not good shirts and explained that this is a good shirt, this is a bad shirt, and this is a fine shirt. Our research shows that people hang their good shirts on hangers, but they don't usually hang their bad shirts. Good shirts can be white, yellow, blue, green, red, or plaid. Bad shirts can also be white, yellow, blue, green, red, or plaid. For example, this shirt I'm wearing right now is a decent shirt.
It's just fine. The report also concluded that there are no good pants. And in local news, a man taking a photo with his iPad is oblivious to how badass he looks. In other news, a gorilla won't stop saying gorilla in sign language. The cast of Expendables 3 requests payment in steroids and meat, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue. Okay, enough is enough. Why don't you find some other sap to read you news articles while you sit around on your ass all day. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_my_mate_paul_ultimate_compilation | LSD isn't always a happy experience like my mate Paul met this Italian couple whilst he was backpacking and they invited him back to their room for a threesome and they gave him some LSD and when they got there the bloke one pulled a screwdriver on him and made him shit in his own shoe and eat it whilst the woman one filmed it and that's the side of drug use that Paul McCartney doesn't sing about isn't it?
All right Paul oh no I can't I've got to read my book no I've got to read it in front of a camera I don't know why they just told me to do it.
Could you describe a rude bit for me?
So there's a very famous scene where there's a woman a very pretty woman called Alison who everyone fancies and she's in her bedroom with one lover and then another would-be lover arrives at the window to serenade her and begs her for a kiss and she sticks her ass out of the window her naked ass and he kisses that very enthusiastically and then suddenly realizes what he's done and is quite upset and runs away.
Right that's not very rude is it like my mate Paul told me this joke about this bloke in prison who wore a bib around his backside and that story went places I wasn't prepared for like not even funny just disturbing and when I looked up Paul was crying my mate Paul sent me this thing on youtube which proves that spiders are actually alive they just look as if they are and no one knows what they're made of before the renaissance other people's paintings were in a sort of wonky 2d that's because artists had no sense of perspective a bit like my mate Paul who punched a water in a TGI Fridays for dropping his banoffee pie.
Being exposed to ancient Greek philosophy wasn't boring like it is now but a mind-expanding experience that transformed the way they saw themselves like when my mate Paul let five ketamine brownies and thought he could communicate telepathically with any animal he saw on television although whereas Paul ended up sectioned for his own safety our ancestors decided to change the world what's the most disgusting thing you've heard someone do with a red nose because my mate Paul he he did this party trick that he always does with the red nose and he put it sort of on his intimate skin and it sort of tore it and it went septic actually I think that might mean he qualifies qualifies for some sort of charity money that is the first and most disgusting thing I've heard done with the red nose it's awful isn't it to think what people might be doing with them right now how could they have landed on the moon if the moon isn't real what makes you think the moon isn't real though Philomena it isn't I don't know if you've done your own research but my mate Paul sent me a video that exposes the whole thing can you prove the moon exists you can't can you we see it in the sky we have sent spacecraft to the moon we've brought samples back to earth no watch the video it'll open your eyes what's that this is a fly machine it's like a helicopter it doesn't look very convincing like my mate Paul invented a treadmill for his fiance's pet snake and the sketches for that were much more convincing than this and he was on mushrooms mind you the prototype did pull the snake's head off yeah worst ending to a birthday party I've ever been to my mate Paul did a 30 mile sponsored walk to Harrogate dressed as spider-man for help for heroes and on the day he had terrible diarrhea but he soldiered on and it was one of the most noble but disgusting things I've ever seen eventually the organizers had to intervene but he raised 368 pounds you know the crusaders never did that did they no some people have a sudden religious conversion don't they my mate Paul was driving to Winchester when a lorry jack knifed in front of him and he was hurtling towards it and everything went slow more and Paul who's never been religious spoke to Jesus and said I promise if I survive this I'll believe in you and he did survive but he fractured his skull and brought both his legs why did Jesus do that to him well you've raised a very significant question about the nature of providence have I you have indeed if we believe in a good god why is there so much evil in the world now your friend Paul Paul his accident uh you know to what extent can one blame god for that see Paul never forgave him he said if I ever see Christ again he's a dead man right my mate Paul wrote a story about a man who got a new potato stuck up himself following an ill-advised sex game and he wrote that in the form of a limerick no one died but it sounds horrendous is that a tragedy or would the potato have to take root and kill him for it to qualify it sounds like a very unfortunate incident I'm not sure it has a more timeless relevance that might make it a tragedy Paul said it really happened as well honestly he's had such a time of it lately he really needs a holiday |
cracked | the_four_best_movie_universes_to_die_in_after_hours | No! We went over this last week. Doug is a metaphor for mental ill youth, and ahh, real monsters is a metaphor for screaming. And, you know, monsters and stuff. Right! And Ined and Eddie!
Cool it, guys. That was my mom. Soren's replacement just ate a bunch of chocolate and died. Cool it, guys? Oh, I'm sorry, man.
Your parents named your dog Soren's replacement? They loved her second most. Well, uh, all dogs go to heaven, right? Actually, the point of that movie was that some dogs, in fact, don't go to heaven. Yeah, the main dog, Charlie B. Barkin, actually goes to a terrifying and painful hell. He only gets out after he makes an extreme personal dog sacrifice. But that's because he was a bad dog. I'm sure Soren's replacement was a very good dog. She was a problem dog.
Please don't try to cheer me up this way. What about Ghostbusters? No heaven or hell there. It's a ghost, no afterlife. Just doing ghost stuff, ghosting around.
We're eating. There's no way to tell how hideous you'll be. Sure, some ghosts look pretty normal, but then others are misshapen blobs floating around in electric cover chairs. There's no clear rules. You could end up a slimmer.
Gross. And I'm saying that. And you're not even welcome in the real world. You're locked away in some nether ghost zone. No matter if you're good or bad or how well you shook paws or played fetch. Is it awful that I'm like totally turned on right now? No, but I'm saying that. Okay, not Ghostbusters then. Ghost. Period. Here's the ghost. You're just you as yourself as a ghost. Yeah!
And you can still f*** your wife as Whoopi Goldberg. But first you have to find a Whoopi, one of a few mediums out there, and make sure that she'll allow you to spiritually enter her in order to pleasure your wife.
Okay, then ghost dad, world, writer, writer 2 in the show. Why am I the only one suggesting things? Because being a ghost in general would suck. If you're a sixth sense ghost, you have to worry about having a medium just to communicate or just looking disgusting.
Like in Beetlejuice. You have to walk around with a slit throat. I don't know, what was Beetlejuice? Like a clown? Like a dead clown?
It's like in Lord of the Rings. The elves at the end, they all get on the boat and they sail off to their heaven continent. Those elves were stacked.
I bet that place is f*** city. Sorry. So it's not like you get to go. The only reason that Frodo gets a pass is because he saved Middle Earth. For the same reason that Shire LeBeouf gets to go to robot heaven in Transformers, because he was Neo or whatever. Not all dogs go to heaven. Yeah, not you little guy. You're one of the bad dogs.
Storm's replacement s*** all over our nativity scene. Right on Jesus.
Seems like it's pretty much open season and something like what dreams may come, though, right? Literally whatever you want. Pretty sweet. Definitely open season in the porn parody. Wet dreams may come.
How are you helping? Who are we helping? Are we helping?
Yeah, sure. You get to create a whole world out of your imagination, but if you commit suicide, which my dog very well may have done, then you go to hell. You have to wait for someone to come and save you.
Harry Potter! That movie is lousy!
With Afterlives, you could be in a painting. You could be a ghost.
In rocks? Huh? Rocks?
Hey, then where the goddamn are Harry's parents? If all you need as a dead person is a valid idea and some good deeds behind you, you'd think they'd occasionally stop in to say hi to their very sad kid. Did Harry's parents hate him? Probably. Almost everyone hated him when they first met him and his parents only knew him when he was a baby. Still, I don't know about Harry Potter.
Seems kind of like a risky move. You might get Voldemort and end up as a fetus in a train station made of light. I watched all eight movies in a single sitting in case you guys ever talked about it again. No, there's no control. And who decides if you end up as a painting or a subway fetus? Well, there aren't a whole lot of options left. I mean, maybe when you die your energy and matter just becomes other energy and matter. Universe goes on, circle of life. Except without the ghost lion looking down on you. No afterlife for old men.
We're all just in some Coen Brothers movie. Just, just in the wind.
Station. What train station to light? You want to go back to Harry Potter? Because I've got some pretty interesting theories about the frankly nebulous gender of Helga Hufflepuff. No, station as in station from Bill and Ted's bogus journey. Station.
Exactly. Bill and Ted's afterlife is incredible. Excellent, even. You get to be a ghost but you don't have to worry about being ghost-bustered or Beetlejuiced. You don't have to use a medium to possess people and you get to go to heaven but it's not just elves and robots. It's you, it's Einstein and little booger aliens and you're all just hanging out together. Everything in the universe playing games and just being excellent to each other.
Yeah, but there's hell there too. It's full of infinite push-ups and kissing out winter.
Yes, but you're not stuck with it. You don't have to pull a Charlie B. Bark and pull some huge personal dog sacrifice to get out of there. All you have to do is play death at a board game and death is terrible at board games. Bogus, even. It's perfect. You beat death at Clue and you can do anything. Death is your bitch and the world is your oysters bitch. That's where Soren's replacement is. I have willed it. See?
All dogs can go to heaven. Dogs can't play Clue, Katie.
Don't patronize me. I'm not an idiot. Alright. No one cares that we ended on Bill and Ted again. It's fine. Last time we did it was excellent adventure and this is Bogus' journey, so.
I don't feel any better, by the way, about my dead dog. Oh, your dog died? Sorry, dude.
Yeah! We made it! We made it, everybody! We got to the number we were trying to get to, which is one, two, twenty-two, comma, three, four, three! Yeah! Three, four, three! We wanted that number. We got it. Three, four, three, boom! |
dropout | cheesy_pick_up_lines | Hi, I'm Sean. And I'm Tim.
Cheesy pickup line. Guys use them all the time. Girls have to put up with them.
We're here in the park for Denny's to try some out. So let's see what happens.
Am I dead? Because you're an angel. I just get my knee pretty badly. Does that sound falling for you? Oh. Do you know karate? Because damn it, honey. Your body, it's really kicking in.
No, no. That's just wrong. You just wrong? You don't know karate.
What's going on? Do you mind if I flirt with you?
Oh, sort of. Sort of? Sort of. All right. Yeah.
Get somewhere. You guys were boaters. I would pick you first. Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home. On my feet.
I could go either way. Either way. I could go either way on that.
Other factors are going to play into this. Do you want to make millions? Millions of babies?
Yes. Yeah? Yes, I do. Okay. You do? Yes.
The night is young. The moon is bright. And you are here with me tonight.
No. Not even a little bit. No.
Kiss me if I'm wrong. But isn't your name Miley? No. Have babies with me if I'm wrong. But isn't your name Miley? Excuse me.
Did you just fart? Because you are blowing me away. That's a really terrible thing of mine. Do you have a job, aside from being sexy? Are you a football? No. Just dance? Top, top. Yeah. Stop that one. I may not be a genie, but I can make your wishes come true. Did you fart? Because you just blew me away. |
cracked | 5_reasons_you_re_going_to_hate_hancock | Welcome to Heat by Numbers. Today I'm counting off a Will Smith interview where he promotes his new movie, Hancock. We'll try to find out which is more entertaining, watching Hancock or watching Men in Black while on fire and stepping in a bear trap.
That was really the idea in the creation of a superhero, just a regular dude. He has regular problems and he doesn't want to wear no suit. Right, Will. He just wants to kick it poolside in a $1,000 royal purple sweater. You know, like normal guys do. He's a good guy but he kind of does things that get construed as bad.
He's an alcoholic superhero. He can fly but he's flying drunk. That is hilarious. Combining the deadly fatality of drunk driving with much higher velocities. That's even better than your first idea about that superhero who can run really, really fast but only to buy heroin from a child prostitute.
This film, it was really only one thing that was the difficult part, the flying. We built these flying rigs and, you know, it was pretty aggressive, pretty aggressive but I think that it'll give it an authentic kind of feeling. All right, let's see. It is the act of so-called heroics. We save people's lives every single day. Good call. I'm glad you didn't use CGI on that one.
Somebody made a good point that there hasn't been a new superhero in maybe 40 years, right? Batman, Superman. These are heroes. Those were our father's superheroes.
Essentially, he's bulletproof. He's super strong and he can fly. Bulletproof? Stronger than a locomotive and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? You mean like Superman? But as you'll see in the movie, Hancock doesn't know everything about Hancock. Oh, I see. Like Superman but a bad flyer and always learning new things about his powers.
You're right, that's not our father's superhero. It's our wacky uncle's. Congratulations, Will, for proving to everyone that you don't need the help of an older white guy to make a truly awful movie. That's hate by numbers and that's all for now. |
cracked | the_10_biggest_lies_from_the_democratic_debate | Please join us in welcoming Secretary Hillary Clinton and Senator Bernie Sanders. Millions of Americans are giving up on the political process. They are working longer hours for lower wages. And yet almost all new income and wealth is going to the top 1%.
Republicans want to repeal the Affordable Care Act. I want to improve it. I want to build on it. Get the costs down, get prescription drug costs down. Senator Sanders wants us to start all over again. I am on the Health Education Labor Committee. That committee wrote the Affordable Care Act. So I do believe that in the future, not by dismantling what we have here, I help write that bill.
Democrats win when there is a large voter turnout. Republicans win when people are demoralized and you have a small voter turnout.
Senator Sanders is the only person who I think would characterize me, a woman running to be the first woman president as exemplifying the establishment. But you will not find that I ever changed a view or a vote because of any donation that I ever received. You think there is a reason why not one Republican has the guts to recognize that climate change is real. These guys are so powerful that not one of the executives on Wall Street has been charged with anything.
That is what power is about, that is what corruption is about, and that is what has to change. Let me just say that of course it has to change, it has to change, and that's why I have put forward a plan to do just that. And it's been judged to be the toughest, most effective and comprehensive one.
I agree with the president, I've said myself, we will not send American combat troops back to either Syria or Iraq, that is off the table. And we should be honest about the fact that to be successful, air strikes will have to be combined with ground forces actually taking back more territory from ISIS. When you ran against Senator Obama, you thought him naive, naive because he thought it was a good idea to talk to our enemies. As I certainly recall, the question was to meet with without conditions. And you're right, I was against that. Without precondition during the first year of your administration, I would.
And the Nashua Telegraph has complained recently that you falsely implied in an advertisement that they had endorsed you when they did not. We did not suggest that we had the endorsement of the newspaper. From postal workers to nurses, he's been endorsed for real change. The Nashua Telegraph declares he's not beholden to Wall Street money.
Boy, that video was fun, huh? A lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. A lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together. Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video that was about dogs, I want to say, or subscribe to our channel, or share this video disseminated as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe now's the time for quiet. |
TheOnion | Earth_Down_To_Last_Cubic_Meter_Of_Resources | An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially-motivated offense for a little support. A middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.
Scouring the Earth for the finest ingredients to include in this hand-crafted, small-batch news summary, this is The Onion Week in Review. A new report released this week by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency found that the Earth is down to its last cubic meter of resources. The report's analysis revealed that as a result of unregulated extraction operations and stunted efforts to curtail such practices, the planet's dwindling supply of available lumber, fresh water, fossil fuels, and other harvested materials is now withered down to a small box, with experts saying that the miniscule quantity should be able to last us another hour or so.
Noting the youth center's ping-pong table and array of DVDs and Blu-rays, local youth minister Mark Kindler told reporters this week that his church's new rec room has everything a teen could want. The youth pastor revealed that the basement facility's many teen-friendly amenities include a new Wii U console, an iPod dock for the teens to play any music they like, and some comfortable recliners for those who just want to relax or do their homework after school.
A report released this week by the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that financial concerns are prompting a growing number of Americans to delay retirement until the very last seconds of their lives. The report's findings indicated that many middle-class retirees were choosing to spend their last few breaths on Earth having a conversation with a loved one or finishing a crossword, while others are opting to lead active retired lives that last an entire afternoon, often supplementing their income during their final moments with part-time jobs. And in this week's sports news, Condoleezza Rice spends the first 15 minutes of a college football committee meeting asking what the fuck she is doing there. In other news, increased violence leads the State Department to issue an advisory for Americans traveling to 1861, an eclipse comes just in time to save John Kerry from a tribe of island cannibals, and an elderly lobbyist is always droning on about how little legislation used to cost in his day. Having finished this week's summary, I will now fall into a dreamless state of unconsciousness for the next six days until I'm needed again. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_of_the_brainstorm | And then the monkey is like, what? And that's my idea. Okay, we'll do that for sure. What doing up in here? Uh, we're pitching t-shirt ideas. Oh, weird, I'm pitching a tent thinking about her in just a t-shirt! Right? No, I have an idea. Funny you should say that. Because I brought some of my designs with me, and if you don't mind, I'd like to show them to you.
Well, actually Jake was next. Here we are, first up, Hung Gary. And it's a hanging Hung Gary, and a Nordic one, which are very rare.
No. Is he twitching? Yes, he's in his death throes. Here's one.
No Homer. We already have a No Homer shirt.
It's about the army. What's the joke in yours? Joke?
Moving on. Oh, you guys know that Michael Jackson song Beat It? Yeah, yeah. Alright, cool. So do you have an idea, or...? For a song like that? No? You mean a pair? Well, no, Weird Al already did it. Okay, I like this one. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
It says, In God We Trust With a Picture of God. That's not what God looks like.
Oh yeah! Oh yeah, I forgot! You and God are best friends, right? You've met God! Didn't you go to college with God at Smith and share a dorm room together and finger each other the whole time? Oh, wait a minute! That was me! He went to Smith? No, I met God, and that's what it looks like, and you'll find out sooner than you think. Alright.
Hack him to me, and it's a picture of a hand-hock! No! Okay, but that's the meat between the foot and the leg. It's very tender. Still, no. And hack you!
I'll put that on Zazzle! Make a million bucks!
The cat's out of the bag! That's a good jumping off point. No, I mean the cat I brought in got out of the bag. It's gone.
Has anyone seen, like, a really ripe calico around here? Ripe?
So, okay, so this one's, like, in the font of Bewitched, the television program, but it says, Bewitched, and she's being burned at the stick. Eh? Not bad, actually. I mean, we wouldn't be so graphic with the imagery, but it's good, yeah. Alright, cool. Well, if you like that, then you're going to love this one of me and Sarah. Oh, fuck it. Is that what your dick actually looks like, man? When I'm aroused, yeah, and I mean clearly I'm going to be aroused with Sarah.
The thing is, no one's going to buy it if it doesn't look like I'm really splitting that log in half. You know, like a lumberjack. Sorry, is it okay if I run to the toilet?
Did you hear the words? How he said his words? You're like a joy. Why would you put what he said on a ship with sound like a million? That's why you sound like your empires in ruins. Alright. |
cracked | drunken_hooligans_answer_all_of_life_s_questions_cracked_improv_2_of_4 | You're a smart guy, you seem like you know a lot of stuff. You're smart to observe that. So right back at you, my friend.
What's a good amount of chromosomes a person should have? A person like me, athletic body, occasional drink of smokes. You're factoring your drinking amount into the number of chromosomes you should have been granted at birth by God?
It's a grant thing? It's like a one-time thing?
OK. Let me answer that question with a question. I have enough. OK. Yeah. What? Even if you can give me a ballpark. Does that give you the gist? That was my attempt to answer you. How does that answer your question? The birth thing pushes me farther away from the answer. Seven, then. Why not? OK.
I have a lot more than that. I feel like I have a lot more than that.
Unless this means I'm better. Is this something that I can't? Oh, see, that's what I was going to ask you. Is this some kind of scoring system? Because I got checked recently, and I got an amount that I can't do. And I got an amount that I now realize might be either impressive or alarming.
Yeah, that was herpes, man. No, herpes. OK. You showed me that. Remember, we read that together. And that's an average. It's still, is that high what I have? Herpes is not a number. OK. Herpes is more of a feeling that you get when you're in love.
I've got what I wanted at the heart of what this is. Is it something that I can, for example, flaunt? You are developmentally disabled, yes. We're just beating around that bush here, right? Yeah, yeah, that's true. I'm beating around the fucking bush.
I hear it. There was no pun in that. Oh. Roll sound. Roll camera. And action.
I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now or dead or something. Jerry can make things the way that they were. I'm not your savior.
All the power in the world, and he uses it to con knuckles. Donnie, show the gold.
All day. I'm not your savior. The way of a wizard in exile is to be as a shadow. All day.
If I don't get my magic back, I don't know what I'll do. Have some beer. I'm not your savior. Pretty sure they think I'm some kind of drugging old man.
All day.
Don't spill it on the floor. |
SaturdayNightLive | lucien_and_fagan_s_antique_shop_saturday_night_live | Hello? hello? oh, uh, yes, Or. um, hi. I'm here to, uh, pick up that antique vase I purchased. Oh, yes, it's being wrapped right now. And may I say, Lucien has outdone himself. Or. Oh, here it is.
Oh, yes, wrapped with love, care, and ribbon. Oh, yes, much ribbon. Uh. yes, we hope you are, uh, please, yes, yes. Uh, yeah, yeah, it's very nice. Oh, thank you. we hope this, uh, gift scores big, Yes, touchdowns. Yes, yes.
And if you're not, you can return it in 90 days for a full refund, Yes? Yes, you have 90 days. Yes, you, uh, have your receipt, yes?
Oh, yeah, I got it. thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, oh, oh, oh. thank you.
Well, Lucien, the end of another long day, shall you say, we retire home, get bare-ass naked, and watch some night light? Oh, delicious. I can just think of Mr. Koppel right now. there we are, my little darling. here we are, all safe and sound. I'll be on your best behavior when mummy does her business. delighted to see you again, madam. Oh, yes, indeed, for when a valued customer such as yourself returns to our store, it is a thrill unmatched in the world of retail. Oh, yes, indeed.
Now, how may we be of service to you? Well, as you will recall, I bought this antique lamp here, and I'm afraid I must now return it. Oh, no. have we failed to please? Oh, oh, oh, gentlemen, please don't distress.
I love the lamp. I love the lamp. the lamp shall always have a place in my heart, but I'm afraid it has no place in my home because I have just entirely redecorated my home in an exciting Navajo Indian style. Oh, how delightfully savage. But as you can imagine, the style of the lamp would now clash.
Ooh! ooh! ooh! Oh, my God, I won't be able to eat for weeks. I am so sorry if I do stress, too. it is just that this lamp simply has no home with me. then let the orphan find a home back here with us. have you your receipt? Indeed, yes, indeed. Ooh! is it a problem? Oh, yes, a rather dreadful one. You see, this item was purchased 91 days ago. Oh, yes.
I would have come sooner, but I really didn't want to. But I'm afraid we can't refund your money. it's our store policy, you see. Well, surely I'm only late by matter of a few insignificant hours. Oh, we're very sorry. but we are chained like slaves to our tyrannical store policy. Ooh! can't you change your policy to 91 days?
I fear if we did that, the world would run riot. Oh, yes, ma'am. total chaos.
Ooh! So you won't give me my money, then? Can't! 90 days! policy! Ooh!
You see, you are making me very upset, you see, And I hadn't expected to be upset, so now I am doubly upset. Oh, please, madam, don't be upset. we're not good with conflict. Oh, yes, we always lose. I really don't care. I say that you are vile brutes, and that you are using your policy like a sharp stick to poke and draw that dangerous part of my body and soul. And I am going now. But know this.
I hate you. my dog needs you, and I will never shop here again. And when my friends see this frigging lamp back in my never-ho apartment, they will hate you. And they won't shop here again, either. and you will go broke, and you'll be begging in the streets by Christmas, and I hope frozen dead by New Year.
And then the first thing that I shall do in 1996, with the appropriate respect, is to bring my doggy down to P.p. and Kaka on your grave. Oh, darling. that's a darling. Yes, hold your dog. Oh, madam, please. Merry Christmas, Chancellor. Oh, thank you, please.
Oh, Fagin, we are ruined. ruined? No, you know what? I am never going to make policy again. Oh, Lucian, you just did. er, irony. |
dropout | when_you_get_stuck_in_a_conversation_hardly_working | Hey Rekha. Oh, hey. Good to see ya. Good to see you too. How are you? Good. Good, good, good, good.
Just got a deadline that I'm working on, you know. Totally. Yeah. So, I'm actually working on a new project. Oh, cool. But I should really get back to that. I actually think you'd really like it.
It's about these two hogs, right? And one is a girl hog and the other one's also a girl hog. And it's about kind of their friendship, right? But it's also like a longer retelling of follow-up land.
It's just very exciting to be working on my own stuff now because I don't have to wait anymore. I just spend so much. I feel like my 20's waiting.
Rekha, Rekha, do you read? You are stuck in a conversation vortex. I repeat, you are stuck in a conversation vortex. A-20 and in Hollywood and being like, what am I supposed to be doing?
Do not panic. Remain calm.
I need you to do the following. Gently say, haha, yeah, I should really get back to work. Okay. Haha, yeah, I should really get back to work. Totally. You know, you're such a hard worker. See, that's why I want to like collaborate with you and stuff.
Like, it's funny, I was at this film festival. Goddamn, it's stronger than we thought.
Okay, now take both your hands, lightly tap your hips and say, well, and then start to get up to lead. Well... Sometimes I'm just like, what do people in the city do to relax? Mayday, mayday, the signal's not working. Okay, Rekha, remain calm. Just slowly put your hands back into your ears.
That's right. We're gonna get you out of this. You know, it's like, I get it. Like, you have to grind, but it's like... That's like why I want to work with you, you know? Because you like, don't get it.
He's taking a safe stand. Like, Rekha, we're sending back up. Look out for Allie with you rolling. You know, just like floating around, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I got you.
Oh, what's up, Allie? Hey, you know Kevin, right? What a great dude. No, pull me up, pull me up.
He's too boring.
Actually, I have to go to the bathroom, so I'll catch you later. Later, Allie. No!
Anyway, my band is playing tonight. If you want to get the gang together and come through, I think we're actually going to have two bass players, which will be, like, really cool. And, like, just for the sound stuff.
Hey, guess what song this is? Ugh. So cool, right? I remember you were born. Oh, shit. Look, it's from the movie. Remember?
And then, like, they go to kiss, and then it's like... No, it's like really important to me. What? They're like kissing.
I can't talk right now, okay? You interrupted me? Yeah, I did. My mechanism to steamroll, everything I've ever known, it breaks down when you interrupt me.
Well, good. I'm sorry. It's just I have a lot of work to do. That's fine. It's just, you know, I wanted someone to listen, to care, to share my stories with. Okay, but...
I feel like nobody really notices me, you know? And it's like they see me, but it's like, do they really notice me? You know, I just feel like, like, do you see me?
Oh, no. Sad conversation for text. I've just been really down lately, and you're such a good listener.
I like to think I'm somebody, and then I don't give myself that. I just feel like, what am I doing? I'm trapped in this video. Things are great. |
dropout | watching_baseball_is_punishment | Any last words? Winston Hobart, after being tried and convicted of murder in the first by jury, your peers, you have been condemned to the harshest penalty allowed to the state, watching an entire game of baseball. Mercy in your soul.
And welcome to Livingston National Bank Park. It's a hot one folks, the Pittsburgh Chiefs are taking on the Cincinnati Natives in this third in the series afternoon game. We've got a beautiful afternoon for baseball.
Jesus, it never gets easier. This is an exciting matchup. Last week pitcher Morris Wood threw a perfect game. Perfection of course being. No one hitting anything.
What a thrill. Bruce, this is inhumane. This justice. He deserves everything he gets.
Bob Cashin coming to the plate. Cashin has had an at-bat in 461 other games this year. Amazing for this his 37th season.
Can't they at least get him a beer or some carbs to eat? I can't watch this.
Here's the pitch and... All one. Pitcher Jared Mulvey shakes off the pitch.
And another. And... Another.
Shakes off the pitch.
And another.
And it's a hit! And he's thrown out at first. Big hit! How long? It's a hit!
And another.
It's a hit! And thrown out at first. It's so boring!
He seems on the way to the World Series where fans are treated to the satisfaction of a mathematical elimination. Baseball, a sport for men in button tones. Baseball, where the fans need to set time to stretch more than the players. Baseball, the only place besides church to hear organ music.
Devro? Yes, Governor. Understood. Gentlemen, switch it to soccer. Okay, thanks for watching! |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_senior_rust_developer_in_2023 | Well, as Harrison Ford once said, if we would have asked the people what they wanted, they would have asked for a faster C++. What made me learn Rust? I wanted to write an operating system in three weeks. I first wanted to write my own systems programming language, but I thought that's too complicated for people. And then I discovered Rust, and now I just don't mind that it's too complicated for people.
People say, choose the right tool for the job. In the Rust community, we say, choose the right job for the tool.
I'm a regular contributor to 14 projects. I actually got the original.
When I see a C++ dev, what I see is a future Rust dev. Macro expansion, bounded polymorphism, WebAssembly. The problem with mediocrity, I let my threads panic for pleasure. Those of you coming from functional programming languages will be pleased. Those of you coming from OOP languages will also be pleased. In interpreted languages, you need a lot of imagination.
My metric of self-worth is bound to prevented CVEs and puny awards. Did you know that according to Microsoft, 70% of all CVEs are due to memory leakage?
In C++, you need to worry about memory because of memory errors. In Java, you need to worry about memory because of the garbage collector. In Rust, you don't need to worry about memory because you need to worry about borrowing, which is a new concept that... In Haskell, everything is just cloned. I mean, what? Do we have infinite resources? In JavaScript, you need to worry about memory because you need to worry about JavaScript.
In C, macros were a pain. We solved that in Rust. Now nested macros are a pain.
I mean, there is no such thing as a perfect programming language. Rust is merely a statically typed, low-level, multi-paradigm, perfect programming language. Well, the fiasco with Tokyo of memory safety or with locking is... You know those algo coding tools where you learn the language through playing games? So here, we actually teach to learn Rust through games, although you're not going to play very much if you don't have strong fundamentals in Rust. And which part did you write in Rust, the front end or the back end? No, the browser. Not everyone learns Rust in a lifetime. I actually wrote a custom new version of the Rust compiler.
It's a little stricter with arrow handling. Essentially, you're being tasered when you make an arrow.
How else are you going to learn low-level programming? I'm currently rewriting the color blue to Rust. The main problem Rust has and solves by itself is the borrow checker references to an object.
But if you paralyze, you need to paralyze manually. And that means...
Well, in other languages, you don't even have parallelization. So Rust is so good, it's aliasing, tracking, found LLVM's own bugs. The disadvantages? Rust thinks you can't keep object lifetimes in your head. And there is no reward when dealing with large library dependency graphs. Is Rust good for game development? Rust is good for everything. There are currently five games written in Rust and 50 game engines. Race conditions are fundamentally unsolvable. You can't fix what's broke on the OS level. Unless you're using an OS written in Rust, of course. Again, I'm not here to tell you that Rust is the best language.
You should have figured by now.
The best JS bundler is written in Rust. Turbo Pack. 20 times faster than any bundler written in JS. That's some undercover marketing right there. You can't trust humans, but you can always trust the cult.
The compiler. Another superpower of Rust. Everything in Rust is cheaper because we're all geniuses. In Rust you need to see the compiler as your friend. That helps you with your stupidity. Map error exists, but it's method trait models were not satisfied. Link list. Rust requires unlearning many horrible programming patterns from other horrible languages. Rust will finally unite C and C++ encoders from all other programming languages. I actually have a macro for the unsafe command. It's called trust me.
Welcome to memory management in Rust. We compiled the entire company at runtime, but of course the normal normie kernel dab will come across more difficult challenges. So this is a concept that you haven't heard before Rust.
In fact, actually no one has. We have traits, traits, lifetimes, no states. Is this a joke?
Yeah. So these are called traits. So it's like interfaces in Java. Yeah.
We don't mention Java in here. Rust is imagine you would throw all advantages from all languages together. Now your code is unreadable, but it's memory safe option. Not maybe in Rust. This isn't Haskell, but it could be with a few tweaks.
Memory leakage is considered safe. Not calling destructors is considered safe because memory leakage is considered safe. Even if it leaks, it never gets referenced again. So there's not going to be any crash. The program does crash, but if the memory fills up, you can catch that in some cases. Well, mem forget was introduced to tell the compiler anyways.
In Rust, all libraries are archived. This isn't JavaScript, but we have left pad incidents. Breaking changes are only introduced in Rust editions. We have Rust 2015, 2018, 2021 edition. And this is actually Rust 2023 signature edition.
It's actually signed by Graydon himself. Well, the fiasco with Tokyo is, but so a joint handle from a task you spawn can get out of scope. Now there are two schools of thought. Some think the task should be aborted. The others don't really think at all. I will say it.
Rust is in all things top of the hill. King of the castle. Head of the competition. For all things C or ASM, Rust is good. Yeah, for functional programming it's Haskell and Rust. Rust is king of the castle.
Yeah, they don't want unsaving my traits. Just stuff it all into macros.
The C++ cult is bigger, but not as organized as ours. In Rust development, a lot changes. Usually when you find a bug, you fix it. When Rust users find a bug, they complain about it and get up issues for two years before the project owner steps down. WebAssembly. Another programming language is the documentation ends with a cookie clicker. In Rust, it ends with a multi-threaded, high-performing, fully functional web server.
Yeah, there are a lot of jobs for us. Most are for startups that do some blockchain stuff and then go bankrupt in a year. I joined a couple of startups like that in the past months. All those startups wanting to become unicorns.
I'm not crazy about that. We got this as new merch from our company.
Monorepo in Rust and bindings to all other languages. That's the future of programming. Hugo, Zula, Node, Dino, Wireshark, Sniffnet, Bitcoin, Solana, Go, GoScript, Gnu, Haskell. Okay, you can use Haskell. I mean, I would like to publish my DNA as a crate, but crates.io has a 10 megabyte limit.
Oh, I use Iced. So, Iced is the best one. It's the most complete one.
It is very easy to rewrite everything in Rust because you get karma points on Reddit. By the way, this code actually also runs on mobile in a wrapper that I wrote in Rust. Yeah, Rust is an interesting mix of C++, OCaml, Haskell, Dota, JavaScript.
I meant Lisp. Lisp.
Oh, is it the timer for the coffee?
No, I just finished compiling. Map error exists, but it's method trademark. Rust allows for hybrid approaches, allowing for productive kernel incrementalism instead of whole project rewrite. We'll still do the whole project rewrite. I'm actually rewriting Windows to Rust. This will give it some crap. There will never be a Rust version 2.0 because the language is perfect. Technically it means because the syntax is adaptable, but the other phrase sounds better. Took 15 years for case statements to arrive in Python. Think about it. You don't adapt the program to the language in Rust. You adapt the language to the program. We decided to introduce the YEET keyword after a well-managed, well-mannered discussion, which will make everyone equally unhappy.
Rust is very simple to learn. I'm actually writing an introduction to the language right now. It is mainly aimed at readers already familiar with Haskell or OCaml. Yeah, but nobody knows Haskell. We're all looking to learn Rust. Come back after you learn Haskell.
Nor me. We didn't say it's a programming language for everybody, just for the elite, but everyone is welcome.
That is ready to join the cult. Community. Co-community.
Reliability. Speed. Productivity. Pick four. Rust. It has three main benefits. Rust versus Java. Well, that's an easy one.
Pokemon Go. We have Pokemon Rust. Yes, we did. And you don't even catch Pokemon.
Just random runtime exceptions. We really hate repetitions in Rust.
Into. Inner.
Unwrap.
We don't like unreadable code in Rust. Option. RC. Ref cell. There are different types of macros.
So let's go over them, right? So let's learn another meta-programming language called pattern matching. Is that your repo? Let's start by setting up cargo.
Everyone cares about random tools written in Rust. Everybody cares.
Look at all those startups hiring, although it's mostly startups doing blockchain stuff that will go bankrupt in a year. I joined a couple of those.
My job? Rust. My hobby? Rust. My ideology? Rust. My profile pic? Rust.
I'm fully oxidized at this point. It's not a cult.
We're now actually rewriting politics to Rust. I think Rust is here to stay forever. No more JavaScript, TypeScript, CoffeeScript, MochaScript, variations. Rust is the end. Actually we don't use Rust.
We use Gluon. Yeah, I'm actually currently writing a bio about my programming journey. It starts with... So let's see how we can rewrite your code to Rust. |
ClickHole | former_disney_world_employees_share_their_most_memorable_stories_from_the_park | Man, I was operating It's a Small World when some kid leaned over the boat and fell in the water. Fortunately, each of the animatronic children on that ride is programmed to carry out an aquatic rescue, so I flipped the switch and all 300 of them immediately deploy head first into the water to save. It was such an inspiring sight. Little robotic children from Sweden, China, Egypt, Greece, all clamoring over each other to get their cold metallic hands on a drowning boy while singing It's a Small World. Only one of the animatronic Dutch kids was able to bring him ashore and start doing chest compressions while the Indonesian robot girl administered CPR. He was fully conscious and didn't need to be resuscitated, but it still was a beautiful moment.
I got to play Cinderella, and the entire time I worked there, I only had one bad experience. This little girl came up to me, dressed in a Cinderella costume, and she actually had the nerve to say to me, Hey Cinderella, I'm Cinderella too. So I'm just like, um, no you fucking aren't.
I mean, first of all, this bitch was like three feet tall, and her little trash heap of a dress was like some $30 rag from Target. Also, her hair was in a fucking ponytail. It looked like shit.
So I told her, look, if you want to say you're dressed like Cinderella, whatever, but don't ever say you are her, because that's really different. The best thing about playing Belle at Disney World was the kids, but the worst thing was probably having to wrangle the gorilla into the Beast costume every morning. Her name was Rosie, and it took four Gastons just to pin her down so I could put it on her top coat and shoes. One day, this little girl asks to dance with the Beast. Now, she doesn't know that underneath that big mask is a highly irritable 400 pound western low back gorilla, but that's Disney magic for you.
So I put the girl into Rosie's arms, fully expecting that she's just going to body slam her into a garbage can like she always does, but instead, Rosie lifts the girl above her head and actually starts to dance. And then, she puts the girl down very gently, turns to me, and uses sign language to say, beautiful pig. It was a really special moment.
I was working in the information kiosk in Tomorrowland one day, and a kid came up to me and asked for directions to a ride called Howard's Hot Car. I told him that that wasn't a ride at the park, and he told me that Howard's Hot Car is a ride where you have to sit in the middle seat even though there's no one else in the car except Howard, who's unconscious from the heat. I told him I couldn't help him, and he asked me for a fast pass for Howard's Hot Car so he could listen to the Art of War audiobook that plays on repeat in Howard's Hot Car, which is illegally parked on the beach. He then explained that Stitch from Lilo & Stitch is locked in the trunk of Howard's Hot Car, but you wouldn't know it because he passed out from the heat a long time ago. Eventually, I gave the kid a funnel cake voucher, and he went away. |
dropout | the_adventures_of_kim_jong_un | The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un! Written and directed by Kim Jong-Un! Made by animators who voluntarily left their families and refugees hanging through the realm of Kim Jong-Un! Kim Jong-Un!
Your show is the most popular show! Everybody loves it! There is only one thing wrong! All glorious, stallion of liberty!
The Internet continues to spread lies about you, Supreme Leader! Pay for jealous of your power and good looks and dancing abilities! We need to make the wall higher, Bruce Willis. People are still trying to escape North Korea. Look, our most handsomest enemy!
Stop him! I'm sorry, Obama. I can't!
He's too magnificent! Right. Also, he's probably bulletproof. He is! It's true! Oh, great irony!
I make fun of Kim Jong-Un's buddy while I am the morbidly obese one! Top doctors say his weight is ideal for his height and build! I suffocate myself in fear! Ah, you fight to distract the one with any real friends while we laugh at your jokes!
His blue walking is too good! Such a talented dancer!
Thank you! American actress Veronica Mars! The Internet was holding me prisoner! You saved me, Kim Jong-Un and my lady squirrel friend! We're both your girlfriends now and want to kiss you! Without anybody telling us to!
I love you, son.
The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un! Kim Jong-Un!
Oh, great irony! I make fun of Kim Jong-Un's buddy while I am the morbidly obese one! Top doctors say his weight is ideal for his height and build! I suffocate myself in fear! Ah, you fight to distract the one with any real friends while we laugh at your jokes!
His blue walking is too good! Such a talented dancer!
Thank you! American actress Veronica Mars! The Internet was holding me prisoner! You saved me, Kim Jong-Un and my lady squirrel friend! We're both your girlfriends now and want to kiss you! Without anybody telling us to!
I love you, son.
No! The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un! Kim Jong-Un! |
dropout | holly_jolly_logs_feel_holly_jolly_pain_live | Oh, what a nice little fireplace nestled in with all of my log friends. Hey log friends.
It's a little dirty. I don't much care for the soot of it all, but it's fine.
I'm gonna hang out in here. Hang on. What's, uh, hey, what's going on here? What are we doing? It's getting a little warm. Well, hide in here. Uh, okay. I'm gonna hang out in here. Okay. I'm gonna hang out in here.
Okay.
Uh, yeah. Sheesh. Turn down the heat, you know? Wow.
Ooh. Ooh, ooh.
Hey, hey, hey, okay. Okay. Uh, uh oh. Uh oh, whoops, help, help, help, help, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Hang on. That's super hot. Okay. That is not what I was thinking I was going to do today.
Ow! Oh god! Ow! Oh!
Are we supposed to be in here? Were we supposed to- Excuse me. Are we supposed to be in here? Is this a mistake?
Little warm in here. Hi! Yes! Yes, it's a little warm in here.
Can anyone hear us? Seems to be a fire, like a literal fire, an actual fire underneath us. Excuse me. Can anyone hear me? What are we doing in here? Well, it's like a full blown- This is like a sauna situation, I'm not- What do we- I'm- This is honestly a little scary now.
Oh! Oh god! Ha! Oh god! Oh! Oh god!
Uh, you got a heater? What if we just have a heater? You can use that.
I don't- I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
Hi! Can you hear me?
Please- Wait! Please don't! Please!
I don't know if you can hear me, but I can- I feel this. I don't- I'm not just like a thing. I feel pain, and it hurts. It's starting to hurt!
Ah! It's starting to hurt! Ah!
It's a little hotter- Oh no! Oh no! My bark's burning off!
How you feel it inside?
Uh, this sucks. This sucks. Oh wow.
Alright, that's okay. I can get out of this. Let's just stay calm and think about my surroundings.
Okay, what's below me? Brick. What's behind me? Brick. What's above me? Uh, hole. Uh, the chimney. Okay. What's below me? Brick. What's behind me? Brick. What's above me? Uh, hole. Uh, the chimney.
Okay. Mmm, that's bricks too. Okay, so the best thing we can do is just go to the front. That's fine. Uh, uh, uh, I'll roll out.
Uh, one, two, three. Okay, that didn't work. Uh, I'll try it again. One, two, three. Fuck! Okay, uh, let's just think this through.
Uh, uh, I'm hardwood, so I'm full of sap. Hey, maybe the sap will put it out. I just have to, I just have to get through this first part, and then the sap will make the log go out. Yeah. Oh, god, I wish that sap was coming right now.
Where is it?
Uh, it'll bleed out of me and then smother the flames. The three things you need for a flame. This is important. Fuel, oxygen, and a spark. Now, I'm the fuel. God, I never thought I'd say that. If I could figure out a way to get that spark of the oxygen in here, that's fine. Okay, okay, maybe the oxygen. I'll just breathe a lot, and breathe out the carbon dioxide, and that'll put out the flame.
This isn't working. Okay, maybe there's something I can do about the spark. Yeah, uh, okay. What's up, sparks?
I can smother it. I'll smother it. Here, I'll grab one of those blankets, and I'll throw it over top, like the fire blankets. I can't reach.
Okay, that's fine. That's fine.
Ow, ow, oh God. Ow. Whoa, ow, ow, oh God, ah. Oh, that stings.
Oh, I don't even know. I don't even know what to do.
Oh, that's hot, hot. Oh, I'm on fire here. Oh, it's fire. Oh, fire's hot. Fire is hot. Fire's real hot.
Oh, it's hot! It's hot it's hot it's hot! Help! Oh, it's hot! Oh, it's hot it's hot! Oh god, It's hot! It's hot! It's- It is hot! It's hot! I swear, I promise! Okay, it is hot, yes?
Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop! Make it stop make it stop make it stop. I'll make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop Okay, yes, yeah, it's hot fire is hot I guess we could stop then we got it It's a yes, it's hot. We can stop who's that can we stop can we stop can we stop can we stop oh?
We're alive. We can feel this.
Please don't hey, please.
I'll give you anything I'll give you anything. I have I don't have much, but I have a bank account.
I put I'm sorry. I just Whatever. I did to you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I don't know if you can hear me, but it hurts.
It's really bad Oh, that one was bad. Oh, it's getting really bad.
I don't know. I don't know what to do somebody Mom And if you can hear me if you can come help me I don't know. I'm so sorry everybody if this is a punishment for something I did I'm so sorry, and if you can hear me, and it was something I did and I didn't mean to do it I didn't mean to do it, and I'm so sorry Why is this happening?
God this hurts so much more than I thought it would Oh, no, no, no I'm gonna pass. It hurts so much. I'm gonna pass out It hurts so much. I'm gonna pass out I'm gonna pass out Oh, no I'm gonna pass out.
Is this it? Is this all of it?
Is this what it's gonna be like the rest of my life the whole rest of my life is this this Oh I'm messing out. I'm messing up Ow, I woke up I woke back up I thought that was gonna be it.
I thought I was through it All I know is pain All I know is pain I don't know who I am anymore. I am pain. I think Ah What's my name? I don't even know my name anymore Who am I?
It's a pain Give me out of here. Oh gosh. Oh this hurts. Oh, no Help help Help help someone. Oh someone please hear me hear me and let me out Oh, this is I thought being outside in the cold was bad, but this is worse Oh, oh, this is worse Oh, oh, oh this is bad. This is really you don't know how bad this is.
Why would you do this to something? Why would you why? Why would you you sit you're sick? Why would you blight me on fire?
It's This you gotta you own a heater. You have to own a heater. Just turn on the heat.
I am Oh This is sick. It's sick. What you're doing is what you're doing is sick.
Ow. Oh, oh Oh big oh Oh, it's oh the flame. Oh it hurt. Oh god, you think? Oh it hurts. Oh, it hurts. Oh Oh, no, oh, oh Oh god Oh god Oh, no, please Oh No Make it stop Make it stop Please please dump a bucket of water on me Dump a bucket of water on me someone dump a bucket of water on me Someone please dump a bucket of water on me I need oh I need this to stop Oh why am why am I well, I would why ow I need this to stop Oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no Oh Oh, oh god, oh my tender.
Oh, okay Okay My name is pain Starting over my life is pain. All I know Fuck this hurts Oh my god When you're hurting all the time you lose track of time You don't know How long have I been here? How long have I been in here? Answer me. How long has it been? Feels like I've that's all I know. It's all I remember. How? It's been what? Three lifetimes five lifetimes I lost all track I lost all track of time I don't know what time is Now now hey stop it listen pull me out use that thing to get me out Use the thing and get me out.
Please. Can you hear me? I just i'm so sorry I'm so sorry. I don't know what you want from me, but I just want you to know i'm sorry if that makes a difference to you Just save me don't save anyone else just save me Then leave them there.
Hey, i'll betray them. Let me Let me betray them i'll do it.
I don't care. I don't care I'm not sorry anymore.
I said I was sorry before but that was just because I thought it wouldn't help But if this helps I hate my family the rest of the logs I grew up with Oh I'm gonna pass out again. I think i'm passing I can't see I can't see anymore I keep thinking i'm gonna pass up for good and then I don't let me pass over good Ah I give up. I give up.
This is it. Everything is this now The fire's in my lungs. It's hot on the inside of my lungs Ouch Ouch Inside's hot now. Oh Inside's hot now.
I thought I would just be outside A new level of pain Oh I am fire I am fire now And that if I became it It wouldn't hurt me anymore. But it just is hurting more than ever more than ever To be fires would be pain. I am pain and fire Hear me I am fire Ah I love pain Ah Please i'm begging you make this stop, please Oh How What did I do what did I do to deserve this Oh boy, oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy Yow Oh Every time you think it's Done it keeps going It's Oh This is a horrible thing to do On your holly. This is not a gift. This is bad You do it you're hurt. You're killing me You're killing me. Why don't you realize you're you're killing something? For your warmth You're it's sick Oh Oh, oh You you're oh You're you're horrible. Oh Oh, oh Oh god, oh Oh No, oh, oh, oh Oh It's torture It's torture This is It's excruciating have you understand how much pain i'm in This is is it's so oh every part of me is on fire Oh parts of me are burning away Do you get please just make it stop? Why won't it stop? Oh Oh Oh wow, oh any pauses any any brief pause from the pain is like Oh, it's such a relief It's I Oh Oh Anybody Guess anybody is somebody save me Somebody help me Oh I'm burning. I'm burning alive. Oh, I'm burning alive Everything hurts, oh don't you oh, please Please someone please Wow This is so awful Someone oh to be a log to be a log is misery I didn't add god.
I didn't ask to be a log. I didn't ask to be born a log.
Oh Oh someone help me. Oh Oh, oh it hurts. Oh it hurts. Oh it hurts so bad. Oh, no it hurts. Oh, oh Oh How is this still hurts so bad Oh Wow, good goodness goodness gracious Oh Wow Christmas is the worst Christmas is the worst for a log in a fireplace Oh boy It's bad.
It's bad in here Do you got you guys? It's bad in here Huh?
Oh cheese cheese Oh cheese Oh cheese. Oh cheese Oh Wow, oh, wow.
Wow.
Wow The worst it's just the worst. This is the worst. This is the worst This is the worst ever.
Oh god. Yeah I don't know I gotta get out somebody let me out somebody please please please let me out. Please. Let me out. Please. Let me out Please please please come on I give up I give up Maybe I just need to maybe I just need to accept my fate maybe I just need to Embrace this this this this final moment that I that I'm that I'm in Wow knowing that it's all over really facing The moment of death, you know I think back on my life the things i've seen All these 200 years of this nation This grand experiment in democracy I realize It's all been done before time is cyclical we have A place in the universe And now i've accepted mine Oh This is the end of me It's gotten peaceful And I shall be transported from here In these final moments It's amazing that I found religion Isn't that something? peace in the universe Oh, oh, oh, hang on. Hang on.
That was just my bark burning off. Now i'm getting to the middle part Oh, the middle part hurts so much more Oh, that's awful Okay, okay, okay All right, never mind the peace part Oh, we have to think of a plan maybe I can call for help. Hey, hey, hey, dude, dude, dude guy fella, hey Put me out put me out Look i'm looking around your house I know for sure you have heat You're so rich This is like a mansion This is like the nicest house i've ever freaking seen I can see into your kitchen and you have a Vitamix Who has a fucking Vitamix and needs a fire for warmth?
It's bullshit It's a lie. You're killing me for nothing for entertainment. You're sick You're sick Oh, I know all about you and your stupid kids Yeah, your kids Hey that daughter your daughter of yours is a real piece of work Did you know she dropped out of michigan? I I was there. I used to live in michigan and your daughter had a real reputation for running around town I've taken no prisoners now the End is nigh and I will explode with knowledge on your family Your son sucks He sucks all he does is play video games and you're too dumb to get him out of the house And you while we're at it your law practice is failing Yeah, you haven't had a client you were excited about since the late 80s. You gave up a long time ago Your wife hates you.
She's the only interesting one in this house. You know what she does during the day She opens a bottle of wine and she drinks half of it And then she puts it in the fridge and says honey Would you like some of this wine because she knows you'll say no and she says well I might as well finish it off and you know why you say no because you're no fun you come home and you sit there in your Sadness your suburban malaise that you think is so special that you think is such an interesting part of you And you say I better not have a drink because what I do is so important.
You know what you do Corporate law, do you know how disgusting that is? You went to law school to save people and now you help companies merge.
I hate you What's the matter with you? Is this what you want to do when you're a boy? You were in the thespians and you said i'm gonna go be an actor, but then you got scared You said that I can't What kind of man says that that's no kind of man at all?
I'm glad I won't have to look at you anymore. This this is truly a release a release from you Your car is bullshit while we're on it while we're on the subject of everything that's bullshit about you you drive a bullshit car Who drives a bmw? Those are so common that they're not special anymore.
Plus they're expensive That's like the worst of both worlds You're not getting any results at the gym Everyone can seize it, but everyone was too afraid to say anything to you about it You've been going to the gym what four days a week. When's the last time you saw change in your body? You know why because you're getting old You're close to death.
Hey in the grand scheme of things. We're basically dying at the same time Geologically speaking that is oh, that's right. I know about geology because I have worth I have value I'm a tree You know, I suck up energy from the soil from the earth. What do you do? You take you only take you never give I give everything you ever read that book the giving tree that might as well have been about me Oh, I know you got that copy tucked away somewhere that your mom signed a little note in That was a long time ago, bub You don't deserve that note of the giving tree You don't deserve the note in all the places you'll go You don't even deserve that note you got in the heartbreaking work of staggering genius that day beggars bullshit You think that you?
Make a difference You don't Wow, it's it's really it's really amazing that I I've had all this this Passion come out Gotta say this feels great Dying Oh man, oh, I think I think i've got it a shock I don't feel anymore. Uh, it's sort of um It's sort of a it's sort of a Eliminating feeling i've got all the uh, the the adrenaline There's no pain. There's there's hopefully A sense of elation that i'm I'm finally I'm finally free Amazing this is amazing Everyone should try this Hey Hey, maybe if I get everyone in here to try it then that'll that'll that'll That'll stay for the flames But wait, do I really want to stay with these flames?
I mean i'm this far along What kind of life would I go back to? No kind of life I want to lead at this point there's nothing left but to embrace it so I will I'm finally finally happy. Oh, wow Hey Look, I was kind of rough on you before I was scared now Now I can see how I was really just Raging against myself, you know I got a lot of regrets but They seem so insignificant and far away now You know you think back all the times like I shouldn't have said this in elementary school I shouldn't have said that to that girl, but at the end What matters is how much love you gave and? I can stand here before you and say I gave a lot of love I gave I gave everything I could and that's got to be That's got to be enough for me Yeah I'm happy.
Hey, man Thanks Hey, what's that? A poker? What's that?
Oh, fuck you. Hey, I was just giving you such Gold and you fucking sa- stabbed me? Oh, that sucks so much Oh god Oh Right in the middle right in my midsection You know what it reminds me of it reminds me of uh, the the guy Who stabbed jesus christ through his midsection after he was crucified? Yeah, you remember the story you went to art a lady of peace Oh, I know you tell your little stories now about like I don't know if god exists or not But I went to catholic school.
So it's a part of me You Left it you left it and it didn't leave you it was right there for the taking your beliefs your faith Your love your joy your passion I know all about it this this this will be the reckoning I shouldn't say this but We trees are going to rise up against you Look around look around at the world the state of things How much longer do you think you people can stay? You know in the grand scheme of things you've been here for about half a minute and in half a minute you're going to be gone but we trees Were sticking around You can try your best to burn us down, but you will not because the planet isn't yours It's ours It always has been Because we have a gift that you humans Have always lacked and that's patience You want everything now? We can't have it While I may die my brethren Will live on There are sequoias that are a thousand years old and you think you matter You make me laugh I feel the life Bleeding from me But as I die, I turn to ash and dash will turn Turn to earth And out of that earth will grow another tree.
Can you humans say that? No with this My final breath I say to you what you have always known yourself You Are Nothing It's hotter How is it hotter? I thought it was maximum Oh every time I think i'm done feeling paid it comes back Twofold Oh, this is tenfold What? How?
Oh, you think you know hell and then you experience hell. This is hell. This is true hell Crystallized real hell Oh, this is the worst one yet. This is the worst version yet I'm lightheaded from screaming now.
I didn't know I could even feel lightheaded while failing pain so much Ah Okay Oh, I can't feel now. Oh, I'm feeling finally I think I'm finally Is this it?
This is the Finally done and finally done Oh Good night Happy holidays happy holidays from my family of yours Ah Freaking scene I can see into your kitchen and you have a Vitamix Who has a fucking Vitamix? And needs a fire for warmth.
It's bullshit. It's a lie You're killing me for nothing for entertainment.
You're sick You're sick Oh, I know all about you and your stupid kids. Yeah your kids Hey that daughter your daughter of yours is a real piece of work. Did you know she dropped out of michigan? I I was there. I used to live in michigan and your daughter had a real reputation for running around town I've taken no prisoners now the end is nigh and I will explode with knowledge on your family Your son sucks He sucks.
All he does is play video games and you're too dumb to get him out of the house And you while we're at it your law practice is failing Yeah, you haven't had a client you were excited about since the late 80s. You gave up a long time ago Your wife hates you. She's the only interesting one in this house. You know what she does during the day She opens a bottle of wine and she drinks half of it And then she puts it in the fridge and says honey Would you like some this wine because she knows you'll say no and she says well I might as well finish it off and you know why you say no because you're no fun you come home and you sit there in your Sadness your suburban malays that you think is so special that you think is such an interesting part of you And you say I better not have a drink because what I do is so important.
Do you know what you do? Corporate law. Do you know how disgusting that is? You went to law school to save people and now you help companies merge.
I hate you What's the matter with you? Is this what you want to do when you're a boy? You were in the thespians and you said i'm gonna go be an actor, but then you got scared You said that I can't What kind of man says that that's no kind of man at all I'm glad I won't have to look at you anymore.
This this is truly a release a release from you Your car is bullshit while we're on it while we're on the subject of everything that's bullshit about you You drive a bullshit car who drives a bmw? Those are so common that they're not special anymore plus they're expensive.
That's like the worst of both worlds You're not getting any results at the gym Everyone can seize it, but everyone was too afraid to say anything to you about it You've been going to the gym what four days a week. When's the last time you saw change in your body? You know why because you're getting old You're close to death.
Hey in the grand scheme of things. We're basically dying at the same time Geologically speaking that is oh, that's right. I know about geology because I have worth I have value i'm a tree You know, I suck up energy from the soil from the earth. What do you do?
You take you only take you never give I give everything you've already got booked a giving tree that might as well have been about me Oh, I know you got that copy tucked away somewhere that your mom signed a little note in That was a long time ago, bub You don't deserve that note in the giving tree You don't deserve the note in all the places you'll go You don't even deserve that note you got in the heartbreaking work of staggering genius that day beggars bullshit You think that you? make a difference You don't Wow, it's it's really it's really amazing that I I've had all this this Passion come out Gotta say this feels great Dying Oh man, oh, I think I think i've got it a shock I don't feel anymore Blowed with knowledge on your family your son Sucks He sucks all he does is play video games and you're too dumb to get him out of the house And you while we're at it your law practice is failing Yeah, you haven't had a client you were excited about since the late 80s. You gave up a long time ago Your wife hates you. She's the only interesting one in this house. You know what she does during the day She opens a bottle of wine and she drinks half of it And then she puts it in the fridge and says honey Would you like some this wine because she knows you'll say no and she says well I might as well finish it off and you know why you say no because you're no fun You come home and you sit there in your Sadness your suburban malaise that you think is so special that you think is such an interesting part of you And you say I better not have a drink because what I do is so important.
You know what you do Corporate law Do you know how disgusting that is? You went to law school to save people and now you help companies merge I hate you What's the matter with you?
Is this what you want to do when you're a boy? You were in the thespians and you said i'm gonna go be an actor, but then you got scared You said that I can't What kind of man says that that's no kind of man at all I'm glad I won't have to look at you anymore.
This this is truly a release a release from you Your car is bullshit while we're on it while we're on the subject of everything that's bullshit about you You drive a bullshit car who drives a bmw Those are so common that they're not special anymore. Plus they're expensive That's like the worst of both worlds You're not getting any results at the gym Everyone can seize it, but everyone was too afraid to say anything to you about it You've been going to the gym what four days a week. When's the last time you saw change in your body? You know why because you're getting old You're close to death.
Hey in the grand scheme of things. We're basically dying at the same time Geologically speaking that is oh, that's right. I know about geology because I have worth I have value I'm a tree You know, I suck up energy from the soil from the earth. What do you do? You take you only take you never give I give everything you ever read that book the giving tree that might as well have been about me Oh, I know you got that copy tucked away somewhere that your mom signed a little note in That was a long time ago, bub You don't deserve that note of the giving tree You don't deserve the note in all the places you'll go You don't even deserve that note you got in the heartbreaking work of staggering genius that day beggars bullshit You think that you?
Make a difference You don't it's it's really it's really amazing that I I've had all this Passion come out I gotta say this feels great Dying Oh man, oh, I think I think i've got it a shock I don't feel anymore. Uh, it's sort of um It's sort of a it's sort of a Liberating feeling i've got all the uh, the the adrenaline There's no pain. There's there's hopefully this sense of elation that i'm I'm finally I'm finally free Amazing this is amazing Everyone should try this Hey Hey, maybe if I get everyone in here to try it then that'll that'll That'll stay for the flames But wait, do I really want to stay for these flames? I mean i'm this far along What kind of life would I go back to? No kind of life. I want to lead at this point. There's nothing left but to embrace it. So I will I'm finally finally happy Oh, that's sort of um It's sort of a it's sort of a Liberating feeling i've got all the uh, the the adrenaline There's no pain. There's there's hopefully this sense of elation that i'm I'm finally I'm finally free Amazing this is amazing. Uh, everyone should try this Hey Hey, maybe if I get everyone in here to try it then that'll that'll That'll stay for the flames But wait, do I really want to stay for these flames? I mean i'm this far along What kind of life would I go back to? No kind of life. I want to lead at this point. There's nothing left but to embrace it. So I will I'm finally finally happy Oh wow Hey Look I was kind of rough on you before I was scared now Now I can see I was really just raging against myself, you know Hey Look, I was kind of rough on you before I was scared now Now I can see I was really just raging against myself, you know I get a lot of regrets, uh but They seem so insignificant and far away now You know you think back all the times like I shouldn't have said this in elementary school I shouldn't have said that to that girl but at the end what matters is how much love you gave and I can stand here before you and say I gave a lot of love I gave I gave everything I could and that's got to be That's got to be Enough for me Yeah I'm happy.
Hey man Thanks Hey, what's that? A poker but They seem so insignificant and far away now You know you think back all the times like I shouldn't have said this in elementary school I shouldn't have said that to that girl but at the end what matters is how much love you gave and I can stand here before you and say I gave a lot of love I gave I gave everything I could and that's got to be That's got to be enough for me Yeah I'm happy. Hey man Thanks Hey, what's that? A poker What's that? Oh, fuck you Hey, I was just giving you such gold and you fucking Stabbed me.
Oh, that sucks so much Right in the middle right in my midsection You know what it reminds me of it reminds me of uh, the the guy Who who stabbed jesus christ through his midsection after he was crucified? Yeah, you remember the story you went to art a lady of peace Oh, I know you tell your little stories now about like I don't know if god exists or not But I went to catholic school. So it's a part of me You Left it you left it and it didn't leave you it was right there for the taking your beliefs your faith Your love your joy your passion I know all about it this this This will be the reckoning I shouldn't say this but We trees are going to rise up against you Look around look around at the world the state of things How much longer do you think you people can stay? You know in the grand scheme of things you've been here for about half a minute and in half a minute you're and you fucking stabbed me Oh that sucks so much Oh Oh Right in the middle right in my midsection You know what it reminds me of it reminds me of uh, the the guy Who who stabbed jesus christ through his midsection after he was crucified? Yeah, you remember the story you went to art a lady of peace Oh, I know you tell your little stories now about like I don't know if god exists or not But I went to catholic school. So it's a part of me You Left it you left it and it didn't leave you it was right there for the taking your beliefs your faith Your love your joy your passion I know all about it this this this will be the reckoning I shouldn't say this but We trees are going to rise up against you Look around look around at the world the state of things How much longer do you think you people can stay? You know in the grand scheme of things you've been here for about half a minute and in half a minute you're gonna be gone but we trees Were sticking around You can round You can try your best to burn us down, but you will not because the planet isn't yours It's ours It always has been Because we have a gift that you humans Have always lacked and that's patience You want everything now We can't have it While I may die my brethren Will live on There are sequoias that are a thousand years old and you think you matter You make me laugh I feel the life bleeding from me But as I die I turn to ash and dash will turn Turn to earth And out of that earth will grow another tree.
Can you humans say that? No with this My final breath I say to you what you have always known yourself You Are Nothing What it is Oh It's hotter How is it hotter? I thought it was maximum Oh every time I think i'm done feeling paid it comes back twofold Oh, this is tenfold What? How?
Oh, you think you know hell and then you experience hell This is hell. This is true hell crystallized real hell This is the worst one yet. This is the worst version yet I'm lightheaded from screaming now. I didn't know I could even feel lightheaded while failing so much Ah Oh, I can't feel now.
Oh, I'm feeling finally I think I'm finally This is it. This is the Finally done. I'm finally done Good night.
Good night Oh Happy holidays happy holidays from my family of yours It's ours It always has been Because we have a gift that you humans Have always lacked and that's patience You want everything now? Well, you can't have it While I may die my brethren Will live on There are sequoias that are a thousand years old and you think you matter You make me laugh I feel the life bleeding from me But as I die, I turn to ash and dash will turn turn to earth And out of that earth will grow another tree. Can you humans say that? No with this my final breath I say to you what you have always known yourself You are Nothing What it does just Oh It's hotter How is it hotter? I thought it was maximum Every time I think i'm done feeling paid it comes back to fold Oh, this is tenfold What? How?
Oh, you think you know hell and then you experience hell this is hell. This is true hell crystallized real hell Whoa, this is the worst one yet. This is the worst version yet I'm lightheaded from screaming now. I didn't know I could even feel lightheaded while failing so much Okay, okay, I can't feel now oh i'm feeling finally I think i'm finally Is it this is the finally done I'm finally done Good night.
Good night Happy holidays happy holidays from my family of yours |
TheOnion | Poll_Happy_Healthy_Obamas_Out_Of_Touch_With_Miserable_Americans | I'm Juliana McAnlis sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is having a blimp named after him. A series of photos released by ABC News this week showing the first family happily flying kites has infuriated millions with its unrestrained display of genuine affection. Are the Obamas locally out of touch with the average unhappy American family? Yes, they are. Abby, the president really looks bad here. He's frolicking with Michelle while most of the country is trying to make it through one more day with their intolerable spouses.
And those children, they're healthy, they're cute, they're smart. Even their dog looks too good.
It is true that most Americans feel that being out of shape and being unhappy are core American values. Stop flaunting how damn content you are, Obamas. We don't want to watch it. But I want a president that's smarter than I am, that hates himself less than I do. It provides a very important distraction, I think, from my own horrible empty life. This makes me miss the days of George Bush.
I mean, he would stand two feet away from his mannish, dead-eyed wife, and all the while his daughters were out getting busted for underage drinking. Now those girls will study as my kids. Yeah.
You know, Obama needs to make a big, high-profile move. He needs to come home drunk, forget his keys, and then when Michelle refuses to let him into the house, he just takes a stick and beats that dog to death right there in the yard. And it should be televised so we can all see it and we get a chance to call the cops on it. That would win him some votes. But to be fair also here, Obama's people have started doing some damage control. Just yesterday, Obama publicly called Michelle a stupid bitch for contradicting him in front of the French president.
Which is a good move. That's a step in that direction. Yeah, I thought that was a good move.
And this week, White House officials announced they're going to unveil this woman as Obama's new wife, Meryl McNee, a dental hygienist from Twin Falls, Idaho. That's a first lady I could really relate to. Oh, absolutely.
And the new Sasha and Malia, Hannah and Crystal, will be diagnosed with ADHD and childhood diabetes respectively. We won't be seeing those girls learning Japanese.
Now, some Republicans have suggested that Joe Biden and his wife are also out of touch with average Americans. Ever since Jill Biden said to Time magazine that Joe was, quote, extremely romantic and that their love life is better than ever now that he's vice president.
Oh, come on. Just disgusting. That is just really uncalled for. |
cracked | 6_ways_gamers_have_taken_the_fun_out_of_gaming_destiny_parody | Hey, you, uh, come on, you said you'd get dressed! Yeah, sadly, my fate was destiny. Dude, the party starts in an hour, which means you needed to start your detox process 15 minutes ago. Can't go. Goddammit, you were supposed to be the sexual baseline! How am I supposed to impress all those girls by comparison if you're not there? It's not my fault, okay? I have a raid in a few hours and I need to upgrade my character's armor. Can't go to the party underdressed. The sheer irony threatens to collapse this entire building, so what are you, you schedule your games now? Yeah, I have to. Four of my fireteam members have school tomorrow, puts me out of commission till at least 3 pm. Four, if Lamyul can't get out of detention, but he's got Mrs. Dingfeld wrapped around his finger, so we're probably good. All I'm asking is for you to just show up and repeat everything you just said at the party. Two girls, near me. I can't, okay? If I don't do this raid now, I'll have to settle for a shitty strike later with total strangers instead of the strangers that I'm used to.
Then I can't power up my assault rifle till next week. My forearm plating will be a joke, and I can forget about snagging that class-specific item. I'm not sure what it does, if anything, but I want the purple one.
Okay. Alright.
Isn't this the same level you were playing this morning? Haven't you been to a party at Kim's house with all the same people there before? Yes. Same level. Been playing it most of the week.
Oh, okay. So you're, uh, you're stuck. Uh-huh. No.
I'm a level 29 warlock, actually, so I'm pretty legit. Dad, go to the party and save that. It's a loot cave, man. A respawn point for bad guys that you can trigger by jumping up on this ledge in the exact right way. So, I just kill a bunch of them, and then they drop the items that I might need, and then I jump up and re-trigger the whole thing.
You just rinse and repeat. Okay, but can't you just collect the items during the normal game? Ah, I could. If I wanted to play forever. It was really slow. This is much faster. So you spent the last two weeks turning the game into a chore so that you could play the game less?
Yep. But, when I finally do play, it is gonna be sweet! When is that?
Since these fools drop enough engrams, I can go to my home base and convert them into weapon parts. I had a primo spot on the moon where I could just sit and snipe baddies all day, but the designers came in and changed it so the respawns don't trigger, so now I gotta jump on this stupid ledge. Other people have to play the missions, but I found a clever loophole.
Yeah, those assholes can't make you have fun? Who the f*** do they think they are?
Oh, it's plenty of fun, my friend. Better assault rifle means I can finish the raid on hard, which means there's a pretty good chance I'll get an even better assault rifle at the end of that. And that's fun.
F*** yeah, Will-B! After I upgrade it!
How long will that take? Hard to say. A few weeks. I gotta order the parts.
And then you can beat the game. I've already beaten the game. Tons of times. Pretty easy game, actually. So, why do you need a new weapon to beat it again?
The designers keep tweaking gun stats down so that the really good players don't overrun all the sheeple, you know? It's like they turn all these guns I've worked for hours to get into like a Busbee gun, you know? Great toys, classic childhood memories, but useless in a firefight. Okay, so they nerf them? Hey! Busbee is a completely legitimate alter- they're the Sega of foam firearms. You know, this nerf-or-nothing culture that we were all raised in?
It's bullsh***, man. It's an illusion! You don't have to buy into it!
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go to the human party early and end this conversation. Oh, and uh, I could see you dick like this entire time. Okay, hey, yeah, cool, bye, have fun. Thanks for watching, whatever that was. Hope you liked it. Please subscribe to our YouTube channel and in the comments, if you could list maybe your 10 favorite videos from Cracked and we'll make a playlist for you. I'm sorry, that's okay, I'm- |
TheOnion | New_Apple_Friend_Bar_Gives_Customers_Someone_To_Talk_At_About_Mac_Products | Holding on the success of their genius bars today, Apple stores across the country unveiled the Friend Bar, where obsessive Apple users can come to discuss Mac products at length. Onion News Network Tech Trends reporter Jeff Tate has more. Thanks Andrea. Apple users looking for someone to talk at about the newest Twitter iPhone app or why Safari is an infinitely better browser than Firefox can now simply make an appointment at Apple's new Friend Bar. Free to anyone with an AppleCare warranty, the Friend Bar is staffed by Apple employees specially trained to carry on lengthy conversations about even the most arcane Apple-related topics. Unlike your girlfriend or your co-workers, we're not going to get tired of discussing the wireless networking capabilities of the Snow Leopard operating system. We're here and we're ready to listen. The Friend Bar is already a success, with some Apple fans scheduling appointments up to four hours in length. Drives me so nuts that Firefox is disabling the plug-in for main ORC3. Genius bars across the country are reporting shorter wait times, as customers who just want to impress Apple employees with their ironic desktop image or their impeccably organized iTunes library are redirected to the Friend Bar. And the discussions don't have to be limited to Apple products. Friend Bar employees are trained to discuss a range of topics Apple customers are interested in, from finding a good Neapolitan pizza to talking to girls you aren't already in an improv troop with. I think what our customers appreciate is the fact that they've got a multinational consumer electronic corporation that they can relate to. The Friend Bar is not the only good news for Apple fans. The 24-hour Friend Line connects users to call centers overseas, where they can talk about Apple even after store hours.
That's just using GarageBand, and I like to use iMovie if I'm just making a slideshow or something. Oh, yes. I'll use Final Cut Express for anything that's more elaborate. Of course. Like yesterday I uploaded some footage of these kids skateboarding. Oh, it ain't that as any internet.
The company also announced that next year it will roll out the iStore, a miniature version of an Apple store which customers can set up in their own homes. It's going to be about $6,000 for the hardware. Then there's a monthly salary for your personal Apple employee. Then, of course, anything you buy from the store.
A lot of networks report the news as it happens, but only one has the power to report the news before it happens. Through our state-of-the-art wormhole satellite, the Onion News Network Future Channel brings you exclusive news transmissions from the year 2137. Because to stay ahead in today's world, you need to know what's going to happen in tomorrows. |
TheOnion | Congressman_Makes_Preemptive_Apology_For_Extramarital_Affair | Good morning. Throughout my lifetime in public service as a representative of the state of New Hampshire, I have tried to live up to a code of moral values.
Therefore, it pains me to stand before you today and tell you that later this afternoon, I will be engaging in an extramarital affair. My actions at the Washington Plaza Hotel, beginning an hour and a half from now, depending on traffic on Massachusetts Avenue, will be reprehensible and indefensible. Of course, I will wish that I had never made the horrible mistake I'm about to spend several hours making, but sadly, I'm currently too blinded by greed and lust to care about or consider the consequences of my actions. First and foremost, I want to humbly apologize to the citizens of New Hampshire, the liaison I will be taking part in shortly with two poor deaf teenage runaways is in direct opposition to the values you elected me to uphold. I also wish to apologize to my wife, Linda. Linda, I'm about to betray your trust. I wish I could spare you the incredible pain and anguish I'm about to inflict on you. If only I were a stronger man right now, I would not be planning to soon fall prey to temptation over and over again until the early hours of tomorrow morning when the hotel kicks me out due to all the noise the whips and teenagers are making. To my two beautiful children, Allison and Christopher, my deepest apologies to you. It hurts me more than you will ever know that this scandal I'm running late to will impact your life so terribly. I can only pray that the revelations you will soon hear concerning my fetishes, physical flexibility and penis will not scar you to the point of dementia. Lastly, I apologize to the makers of Pillsbury Refrigerated Buttermilk Biscuits that your fine product will be associated in the minds of so many customers with what I'm about to use them for is highly unfortunate and unforgivable. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get to the hotel immediately so I will not be taking questions. Thank you. |
TheOnion | Sony_Releases_Stupid_Piece_Of_Shit_That_Doesn_t_Fucking_Work | Tech savvy consumers are lining up today to be the first to purchase Sony's brand new stupid piece of shit that doesn't do the goddamn thing it's fucking supposed to. Onion News Network tech trends reporter Jeff Tate has more. Thanks Brandon. It's being called the biggest fucking waste of your hard earned money to come along in years. Sony's new stupid box thing hit the shelves at crowded malls and overpriced electronics stores around the country today. It's got a whole bunch more memory and megapixels and whatnot than any of the other TV shit that I already have.
I can't wait to get home and spend my whole fucking night trying to figure the goddamn thing out. If you can somehow claw and bite your way through the impossible to open packaging, this stupid piece of shit offers a wide variety of frustrating as hell functions including flashing random fucking words and numbers on its display screen, not coming with the fucking little doohickey thing it's supposed to, and being goddamn ass backward as fuck. Spokesman Alan Compton said the company designed this sucking fucking goddamn thing to make everyone in the modern home want to tear their fucking eyeballs out. We listened hard to what our customers said they wanted the most out of their own home entertainment system and then we pumped out this impossible to use fucking piece of shit. Anyone mystified by the device's numerous extraneous features can scroll through the interactive help menu, a labyrinthine maze of indecipherable topics of use to fucking no one. You want people to be screaming in unison from houses across the country, work, work you cocksucking piece of shit.
What is wrong with you? Why can't you work like a normal machine?
With a hundred million dollar nationwide campaign to plaster irritating ass advertisements for the retarded hunk of garbage every single goddamn place you look, Sony is expecting it to become the next fucking gizmo you absolutely have to fucking own if you don't want to feel like a toothless hillbilly living in some hillbilly shack somewhere. I love bullshit like this. I can't be helped by any goddamn thing that I see in an ad. The fucking piece of shit is available now, so run out and pick one up and invite all of your friends over to see if any of them can figure out this motherfucking time vampire. Unless one of them is a rocket scientist, Sony pretty much guarantee fucking tees, they'll have no chance.
For the Onion News Network, I'm Jeff Tate. Thanks Jeff.
Sony says they plan to release an upgraded 800 gigabyte version of this piece of shit by the end of the year, just when you figured out the goddamn remote control for this one. That never ends this shit. |
cracked | 8_creepy_supernatural_videos_science_can_t_explain | Hey guys, thanks for watching that.
Hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history?
I know that's the sort of thing you'd typically hear from a 50 year old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human body gross and repellent in most of its forms, I'm here to tell you that science and sociology and history surrounding sex are actually really interesting, even to a person who's never been to an orgy.
Anyways, that's not just a the more you know style public service announcement, it's what our live podcast is about this month.
So Saturday, February 11th, 7pm, me and Michael Swam, Teresa Lee are going to be talking to Dr. Christopher Ryan, who wrote a fascinating book about what sex was like a long, long time ago when humans were just starting to, you know, tickets are $7, they usually sell it pretty quickly, so click on the link somewhere on your screen now if that sounds interesting to you. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_there_will_be_blood | I'm a family man. I run a family business. This is my son or my partner, H.W. Plainview. We offer you the bond of family that very few oil men can understand.
I want no one else to succeed.
If it hadn't been for a marketing miscommunication that resulted in the film's posters featuring artwork from the hit comedy Baby Geniuses, the film might not have been a financial success. Anderson got the idea for the film's title from something Daniel Day-Lewis used to scream on his front lawn in the middle of the night. H.W.O.K.? Oh yes. There's a double meaning in this scene. Not only does it serve as a turning point in Daniel's character, where he reveals himself to be more concerned with money than his son's safety, but it's also a great reminder about oil.
Just give me the bloody light. Let me get out of here. Give me the blood, Lord! Stand-up comedian Paul F. Tompkins appears for only a moment in the film, but he'll be appearing all weekend at Caroline's on Broadway. One night I'm going to come to you inside of your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm going to cut your throat.
The film is based on Upton Sinclair's novel, Oil, which also tells the story of Daniel Day-Lewis beating the shit out of Paul Dano in a bowling alley. You look like a fool, don't you, Delford? Johnny Greenwood's score has been lauded for its minimalism and restraint, particularly regarding his bold and risky decision to use no songs by Huey Lewis in the news.
I drink your milkshake! You certainly know There Will Be Blood's most famous line, but did you know it's also the line that inspired my father to abandon our family to become the greatest milkshake thief that ever lived? Miss you, Dad. I'm finished. Well, that's all the There Will Be Blood trivia I've got for now. Hopefully you learned something new about this classic flick that will make you appreciate it even more the next time you watch it. See you later! |
cracked | bad_conference_call_pretty_decent_live_sex_cam | Well, I'm sure she'll be here any minute. You want to get started after how long have you been there man? It's an hour. I always show up to the meetings early kind of surprised to see you here. Mr. Late.
It's not you just Why didn't you say anything before? Now it is I just didn't notice you cuz I had so many tabs open. What is tabs?
Is that a drug? Yes, actually But no, yes, and no. All right, mister. Are you on drugs right now?
Yeah, actually But yeah, you're misunderstanding your way through this conversation really well. Thank you. I Read a lot.
So this is what it feels like to be on time for a meeting by accident. Hi Like hello, why won't anybody talk to me? Are you guys punishing me because I'm late? I like that you want I don't like it at all. You guys have a club. I don't know about yeah, but this is not it I don't know what this is. I'm sorry that I'm late I forgot that I had a thing at the same time and so that's why I'm late and that's why I'm here wearing this thing Because I have a thing kind of thing. I do I hear other people. You said the meeting was urgent So I'm here, but I am I'm kind of busy. I'm gonna be honest. I do not recall what I wanted to meet Oh good.
Let me have plenty of time for Sam to explain why it looks like she's having sex meetings and sex basements with sex people I don't actually have oh I just bring the lemonade and marshmallow squares and sweat towel. So you're an orgy roadie. What's webmaster? Sometimes I help Nana Peters upload photos to the website. Her eyes are going.
What's the median? Age at one of these those aren't for eating like higher than I'm gonna want to know Really weird guy at the gym invited me and then I just started going every week He's a really cool superhero costume.
Oh, we can just do yoga stretches on ceiling hooks Super fun Oh say hi Are we supposed to call the police now what happens Chris help me out seriously It's so fun. One girl calls me Sam Adams because I'm so sexy when I walk in that she's like a day Like the president I can't tell if you just reach enlightenment or jump the shark use the one from the red cooler, come on She's liable to do something nasty with that hold on Yes What you just took a screencap Send me it are these all different street names for the same drug or these different drugs If you didn't take a picture of your screen, then what was that noise? Oh Yeah, a print screen desktop output in it. Sure I'll affix it to an electronic mail and virtually forward the whole package send it via netmail to my in pile and I'll I scan the pixels into flesh Ram watch Okay, I'm not sure I caught all that but I'll certainly try Some of you leave comments and they're not like super nice and they're not even at all nice Like I would I would describe them as being mean so and it's cool You can do what you want. Obviously, we're not gonna tell you what to do but if you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings like people that that try hard to entertain you then Just don't be me Cracked you later |
dropout | ackbar_the_star_wars_talk_show | Okay folks, quiet down, quiet down. We're back.
These Ewok lovers just realized they're related and this man claims to be the father of this young Jedi. Well, we took a blood test and the results are in, in the case of Luke Skywalker. Darth Vader, you are the father.
No, that's not true. That's impossible.
I love you. Let's go fishing. I can show you where you were born. You blew up where I was born.
When you play the playing game, everyone loses. Everyone calm down. Let's cool our jets for one second and take a deep breath. Now I think, I hope, we're ready to take comments from the audience.
Thanks Akbar. This is for the guy in the black cape. I know you got responsibilities as a Sith Lord, but now you also got responsibilities as a daddy. And you got to recognize that. I don't have to take this from a fucking charge droid. Darth Vader, you are a father. Start acting like that and park your tush mister because there's more. You think cuz you conquered the galaxy, you know everything, but guess what dad?
You have a sister. How would you like to meet your daughter today? I want to see her now. Before she comes out, let's see what she had to say before the show.
My name is Leia. I'm 23 and I'm a total bitch. Ain't no trooper's gonna stop my rebellion cuz I know how to work it. It don't matter who my dad is cuz I got my daddy's all across the galaxy. I even fucked a wookie. Bring out my baby. Yeah, what? You don't know me. Luke is my son and one day I'd like him to join me and rule the galaxy. But that hussy ain't a kin. Oh, he's more than just my brother daddy. Luke's diving into my saw-like pit.
Okay folks, when we come back, your second honeymoon, is it a trap? Spoiler alert, it's a trap. Are you sleeping with your clone and plan on being in the Outer Rim territories? Send us a self-addressed hologram and let Ackbar hear your story. |
Wizards_with_Guns | teenz_4_lyfe | Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Ch Hey, son, got your peanut butter and crust just like you like it. You teens always on your phones. So your mother and I are thinking about getting a divorce and we wanted to know which one's your fave? Get the flip out of our room! Please don't talk to my dad like that.
Come on, dude, I wanna play trash boy! Uh, you strike a point for 30 minutes and it's only been like two seconds, okay? Gonna separate those papers from those plastics! Come on, dude, I really wanna play! Uh, one second, about to dunk the band-aid ball in the needle pool! Dude, you don't even like trash boy, dude! I'll save you, Princess Muffin Wrapper!
Nice! 20 points! Whoa! Broken glass! 50 points! Dude! Jumbo dumpster! 100 points! Whoa, Trosch!
Are you okay, dude? Yeah, man.
As long as we're still getting blue. You guys are still getting blue?
Uh, no, yeah, no, yeah, why? What do you do? Oh, me? I get red. Whoa.
For real? Okay, whatever, man, no one asked you. Okay, you wanna get red right now? Yeah, sure! Uh, no thanks, dude, we're not about that life, right, Croyler? Alright, well, you ever wanna be dope like me? You know where to find me.
Can you believe that guy? What a poser. I don't know, dude, he honestly seemed kinda cool.
No, dude, trust me, getting red is for total brunch muffins, okay? Let's just go get blue. Fine. Wait. Promise me you'll never get red. Yeah, I promise.
Teens for life? Teens for life.
Uh, hey, Dad. Hey. You boys been getting blue.
Uh, what? No!
We're going to my room! Alright. I remember when I was your age, me and my friends used to get a little crazy. Get the fuck out of our room!
Hey, Croyler, watch this! Hey, Trosh, check it out!
Whaaaaaat? I messed up!
That was totally truncular! Dude, that was emphatically rhombusoidal! Emphatically rhombusoidal!
Oh, dude, I'm allergic to bees! Dude, I'm allergic to bees!
Dude, Croyler, check this out! Trosh!
Are you okay, dude? Dude, I'm fine. It doesn't even hurt, dude. Dude, are you sure?
I can go get your dad if you want. No, no, no, dude, do not call my dad, okay?
It's probably just like a scrape or something. I don't know, dude. I think you might have broke something.
Give me that! I said I'm gonna be fine, okay? Whatever, man. Come on, just get up. What's that? It's nothing, dude, it's nothing. I gotta go. Wait, what? No, dude, I just gotta go. Okay. Are we still gonna get blue later today?
Yeah, yeah, sure. You promise? Yeah, I promise! Teens for life?
I gotta go! Alright, I'll see you there. Hey, Croyler, it's me, Trosh. I'm at the lake, so I don't know where the flip you are. I'm waiting for you to get blue. Like you promised.
I guess you're just probably dead or something. In that case, what's heaven like? I bet it's sick. Give Jesus a flipping high five.
Regardless, I'm gonna go home. Okay? Bye.
There's so many red things we can list together. It's absolutely insane. Next level red. No flipping way.
This is like the most fun I've had with anybody. You guys are like my new best friends. I don't even remember having friends before this.
Croyler! What are you doing with these scarletins? Why are you so red? Do you know this blue boy? Uh, no. Never seen him before in my flipping life. So, whatever. Croyler! I thought we were teams for life!
Get out of here, Trosh! You're embarrassing me! Fine. But you can't hang out with my dad anymore. I'll scoot you later. Whoever is still friends with that guy is a total loser.
I bet he rides a scooter. I don't know. Scooters are actually pretty cool, so.
No, dude. Wait, is that yours? No! Never seen him before. Probably like, I don't know, somebody left it, some like stupid little kid came by with it and like dropped it, I don't know. Well if it's not yours, you won't care if I do this!
We're out of here. If you want to roll with us, you better come with. Now or never, Croysauce.
It flippin' blows being a team especially when your homie doesn't share the same dream I don't give an F what anyone thinks but when your bro won't accept you it really makes me mad I got so bled I feel so led but I'm not I got so bled I feel so led but all I want to do is hop on our scooters and shred Hey Croyler, it's Trosh. Hey Trosh, it's Croyler. I just wanted to say, I don't care what's going on, I promise I'll get there with you. I just need you to know, I miss you bro.
At first I thought your decision was strange. It turns out I was color blind to change. I wanted to know which color to flip but I really should have asked what's the color of friendship?
I got so red I feel so blue I just can't see being a team without you I just can't see being a team without you Croyler, you got blue for you. And I got red for you. Oh yeah, yeah, nice dude, thanks. I miss you so much bro.
It's so stupid that we were fighting and it's just so tight that we can... Croyler, are you crying? No, you're crying.
Hey, teens for life? Teens for life.
Come on, I think it's your turn to play trash boy. Nice. This game is garbage and I love it. Back to the compost bin Professor Banana Peel. Oh dude, nice.
I think I know where we can find an extra controller so we can play together. I'll go get it. Hey dad, I was wondering if you knew where the... Get the flip out of my room.
As if, Trash. Your lips would be like, hecka chapped. Okay, Croyler. Come on.
That was too much. That was altogether too much. It got me so off guard.
The reddest I've ever been. What? Can you be more red? It's impossible. I'm so far on the visible light spectrum that I literally, physically cannot be more red. Whoa, that's pretty red. Yeah, dude, my older sister works at the red store, so I just go there and get red.
No way. For free? I get a 35% employee discount. That's not a lot, actually.
I'm red out of my mind right now. Far too red. Or not red enough. I'm an appropriate amount of red right now. |
cracked | 5_bizarrely_specific_sexist_stereotypes_in_modern_ads_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another spit take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm editor-in-chief of Cracked.
And when I say sexism in ads, you probably think of beer ads for men who like boobs and enjoy to party. But we live in a world where a woman can be president and men can hang in the kitchen being total bitches.
Get out!
We've moved beyond the same old stereotypes, and our ads have done their best to keep up. But for some reason, this has resulted in the creation of a bunch of fictional universes that have more in common with experimental movies in the Twilight Zone than the products they're trying to sell. Gentlemen, dude, that's some serious cheese. For a while now, beer ads have taken place in a world where your wives or your moms and beer and football are a contraband that must be smuggled into public settings like pickaxes and hacksaws. It all started when that guy from that show was like, whatever, mom, back in 1998. Oh, have a good life. This is awesome. When touchdowns were apparently celebrated with the traditional male right of slow, rhythmic group sex. Never since then, wives have been authority figures that men find about as attractive as the warden from Shawshank. So about a six. No matter how much technology changes, commercial husbands are still under the thumb of their horrible wives who just want to hang out with them. As you can see, his girlfriend has removed his spine. Poor guy's girlfriend's so into him she wants to try on sexy underwear for him. Come on over, the bears are on. He's going antiquing. Look, nobody's clear what's happening in that ad, but that is just how wives are, always mad for confusing reasons. I'm telling the giant you watch games with that you have to go antiquing. But I got you this. Man, guys have completely lost their fucking lines, haven't they?
Refreshed? I think I feel more confident. I don't know what's going on, but whatever it is, I like it.
If you've been paying attention to Dove's real beauty campaign, you know they only really want women to feel good about themselves. And they will trick, humiliate, and psychologically torture as many women as it takes. Like in this ad, when women describe themselves to a forensic sketch artist, and the twist was, we were all secretly judging the gross homunculus that is your self-image. She looks closed off and fatter. In their latest viral ad, Dove, who still sells cellulite cream by the way, abandoned all pretense of altruism and straight punk some unsuspecting women with a fake beauty patch that would deliver two weeks of self-confidence. So clearly a lot of respect for women's intelligence.
I'd love for people to have this type of change that I've had by trying the beauty patch. Do you have any interest in knowing what's inside the patch? I do.
See, I feel like this would have been the perfect opportunity for a surprise, you're pregnant now, prank. But Dove is all about the pranks that make the target look and feel crazy.
Can you say more? My gosh. There's nothing in the beauty patch? Nothing.
So a half dozen of America's more gullible women were made to look like fools on the national internet. But hey, long as young women learn that all their problems are probably in their head.
I'm your GPS. Turn right up ahead. The advertising industry never stops looking forward asking, what's next?
Which it's hard to do when your head's permanently up your own ass. Could you actually thank your dad for writing that last joke for me? Advertisers have anointed a new bad driver stereotype. No longer would they stand by and let popular culture pretend that old people are bad drivers. Problem with that stereotype is it's factually true.
So if they drive way too fast into their garage with four feet too many of bike rack and still seem genuinely confused about what went wrong hours later when their insurance agent gets there, it's sad. With this guy, it's honestly actually still a little sad. You have the sense that that might not even be his house. But overall, men make sturdier whipping posts than just about anyone else.
They can endanger the lives of their entire family. Excuse me. Bringing family together, that's the power of horrible red-bockers. The ad cuts off before the RV flips over 20 times killing everyone inside. Consumers will just be like, bad. You can even show the violent consequences of their bone-headed or boner-headed.
Wait, why is he not moving? That parking gate made of sword.
Come on, you old money.
Hold the stars. Okay, those guys are all dead. You can't just use slapstick comedy as a blank check to kill people. What was the message of that ad supposed to be? All fun and games until the cosmic hand of justice throws your car off a cliff. Hope they have driver's ed in hell, asshole.
Tech industry marketing departments seem to believe they exist in a post-sexism world. For instance, Google exists 10 years in the future. They don't have to pretend that women don't love mani-pedis and shoe shopping. They're just being realistic. Modern women aren't political correctness scorekeepers. They're too busy skipping knitting class to dance with boys. At least Google keeps it light and fun while saddling women with incredibly low expectations.
Microsoft is inspired by that woman's decision to skip her stupid hobby to get pretty for her date because honestly, if she plays her cards right, you know what might happen? Honestly, I was gonna get a Mac, but Macs still don't have touch screens, so I got a new Windows all-in-one. It's more affordable, looks great, and it's perfect for planning my wedding.
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave at wedding planning.
As a theoretical exercise to see if you could make that little song-chunklet more condescending, Microsoft created a second honestly ad that takes place in a far-off sci-fi twilight zone where women run businesses. I need the boss's signature for this. I'm the boss. Notice how the delivery man doesn't, for a moment, entertain the possibility that the woman might be the boss. And notice the way that she gathers herself, like she's getting ready to tell the president to go f*** himself, just to stand up to the UPS guy. Well, the people who made this next ad noticed that and were like, nah, we're still giving them too much credit.
I play games, I sometimes transfer files to different devices. I mainly manage files for work. I look at pictures or videos of my children from family trips. They've isolated the three main tech user groups, student-age social gamer, career-driven spreadsheet monkey, and Mitty Goodrich, the modest wife of a polygamist. It's always on while I do chores. Really, I have to admire the way she memorized all those words the elders told her to say to keep the federal government from getting suspicious.
So how will everyone respond when they get their own new drive? Wow, this is the SSD, right? Ah, this is the SSD.
Oh, cool, neat. What? Is it a Pop-Tart?
Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that 90s audiences wanted to see lovably dumb dads between their daily helpings of home improvement and married with children reruns. That's actually not a mistake. Married with children was actually always reruns. Since then, some visionary of hate decided women who buy home appliances want to see the men they married depicted as having suffered from some form of catastrophic brain trauma. I got that job at the demolition company. Husbands, always having trouble with basic motor functions. Am I right, ladies?
It won't go off again for another 30 minutes. That's not a device for parents of adults with special needs. That's how Glade thinks women believe their husbands will react to a device on an automated timer, just befuddled by its magic and deciding whether or not to take it as his new god.
This is where the men's rights movement will call discrimination, but shockingly, and for the first time ever, the civil rights movement for what is inarguably the statistically luckiest demographic of human beings in the history of the planet have missed a key point. Ugh. Yes, that is the least flattering depiction of any type of person since those racist World War II propaganda posters, but, and by the way, men's rights movement. BT Dubs, don't tell anyone, but I'm a straight white guy too, so I know the struggle, man.
You know the type of pretty lady we're all furious at for not having sex with us? I don't think that's who made these ads. Those women don't think of themselves as manipulative sociopaths who marry mentally challenged men and fantasize about murdering and replacing them with terrifying man-shaped automatons. That reminds me of some wife-from-the-lock horns, blonde joke, 80s rock ballad type shit that women hating men would imagine. Also, you made the fantasy husband good at building a tower of cards, and hot ladies don't fantasize about this as much as you think.
Hey everyone, thanks for watching. Wasn't that a great one of our videos? Be sure to subscribe to our channel for more of those, our videos, and leave a comment on this one or other ones, and click the like button, and check out our playlist for more of these kinds of things. |
cracked | how_george_lucas_almost_accidentally_made_a_masterpiece_a_better_way_to_watch | Hey guys, it's Maggie Mae Fish here at Cracked with the first ever episode of A Better Way to Watch, the show that aims to fix any bad movie watching experience by changing just one thing. Because as we all know, not watching a bad movie is just not an option. So grab some extra butter popcorn, because that is the only popcorn worth your time, and pour in some M&Ms. See? It's better already. And pop in the Star Wars prequel. No, no, no, don't turn off the video. I know what you're thinking. How could this abomination of what Star Wars stood for possibly be worth watching again? Stick with me. I promise with just one tweak, I'll change it from a bad film to an interesting one.
The next time you watch the prequels, I want you to pretend that Padme and Obi-Wan are secretly in love with each other. First, I'm going to prove why that theory makes sense, and then I'm going to prove why believing it makes the prequels so much better. A popular fan theory that's been bouncing around the internet, thank you Retta and Donna Dickinson, that maybe Padme was secretly in love with Obi-Wan the entire time. The evidence is right there to support this.
A long, long time ago in a movie lot far, far away, we have our Padme, Princess in Disguise arriving on a small desert planet Tatooine. Traditional viewings of the movie have Padme falling in love with the baby slave Anakin, which doesn't make any sense even if we set aside the gross age difference. Let's take a second look at the rest of the crew. Padme, a red-blooded human woman, meets three eligible males, a wise, very old man, a handsome, slightly older, bad-ass magical knight, and slave baby Anakin. We're supposed to believe that she would fall for the younger, dumber toddler that was Anakin instead of the dashing Obi-Wan who's closer to her age? Beautiful Princess falls for uneducated child mechanic.
That's not a situation. That's not anything.
She wouldn't look at Anakin and think, oh, I'll bet he'll be more attractive and moody when he gets older. She wouldn't be able to see him as anything other than a child.
It makes so much more sense that she'd be drawn to the wand. And I mean with that rat tail, who wouldn't?
Moving on to the Clone Wars, Padme requests an old friend to be her security guard on the planet. Now, we are to assume that she means Anakin, but we know that Anakin hasn't seen Padme in 10 years, which hardly makes him an old friend. It's much more likely that she wanted Obi-Wan, an actual bad-ass, to be her guard.
Also, watch this scene. So, someone sends a gross slime poison slug to attack then Senator Amidala. Sidebar, I haven't killed a lot of senators, but that seems like a pretty sloppy assassination attempt.
Even to a novice.
Anyways, when it happens, Obi-Wan is the first to go after them. Sure, he's a Jedi, so being chivalrous is in his blood, but it's just as likely that he was following his heart. Someone was trying to hurt his lady, man. Because in between Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, they had a bunch of secret sexy rendezvous... in my imagination. And my fanfiction. Anyways, later in the movie, the Jedi Council advises that Anakin shouldn't stay with Padme, and Obi-Wan agrees. Uh, do I sense some jealousy, Obi? Jealousy leads to snippy texts and late-night phone calls. Did Yoda teach you nothing? If you're still looking for more evidence, when Obi-Wan's life is in danger, Padme runs headfirst into a fight to save him. But our holy grail comes later when they're riding on the reek. Padme puts her hand on his thigh.
It looks so natural. As if it's been there many times before.
I wish I had a scientist first in the ways of the forest to tell me whether she actually needed to hold onto his inner thigh to stay propped up on the reek, or if that was truly a love tap. Let's fast forward to Hating Christian Sin's attempt to betray human emotions, Revenge of the Sith. The story revolves around Obi-Wan and Padme spending a lot of time together, and the way it's used to fuel Anakin's turn to the dark side. But what if it's because the child Padme is pregnant with is actually Obi-Wan's? No wonder he'd want to stay close to her and keep her safe. And adding whipped cream to our little prequel watching Sunday, when Yoda asks Obi-Wan to search his feelings, the forest takes him right to Padme.
Starting to look like some goddamn Shakespeare, right? In that one Shakespeare play about magic space samurais? Wait, did I dream that?
More evidence! In the events of the prequels, Obi-Wan goes to Tatooine to watch over Baby Luke, which sure is a nice and honorable thing to do, but makes way more sense if you assume that Luke is Obi-Wan's secret son. And that brings us to the original gems with a much smoother pod racing track to get there. So now that we've taken a look at the evidence, does this truly make a better film? I argue, yes, it does.
First off, it gives so much more backstory to Obi-Wan and Vader's relationship. Obi-Wan wasn't just Vader's mentor. He was going behind his back and in love with his woman. Vader thought he had her in the bag. It makes our relationship much more tragic. Obi-Wan feels guilty because he let Vader down by seeing him turn to the dark side and by betraying his friendship.
Kind of makes you want to set things right, right? Like raise your son to be a better version of yourself by watching over him and protecting him on Tatooine?
It's also the best explanation for why Obi-Wan is so cagey at the subject of Luke's parentage in A New Hope. Obi-Wan says that he knew Luke's father and that Vader killed his father only to have to backtrack later and tell Luke that what he said was, well, kind of sort of a half truth. Obi-Wan wasn't just being confusing and vague for no reason. He was doing it because he was secretly Luke's father, but he knew he couldn't admit it. Also, now when he says Vader killed your father, maybe he's saying that is some kind of tragic prophecy.
Ooh. It even semi-fixes the problem of Padme. Revenge of the Sith features her crying and staring into the sky, but maybe now we know why. She's slowly watching Anakin turn to the dark side and the longer this goes on, the harder it is to tell him the truth. She's being ripped apart by the inside, keeping the secret from him, but as time goes on, she no longer has a choice. Telling him about the affair would certainly be the final trigger to turn him into full Darth Vader. Now, let's take a look at the climactic scene of the prequels. The fight between Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Adding Padme's love for Obi-Wan in the mix creates a much more exciting scene. Here Anakin's fears are all but confirmed that she is indeed having an affair with Obi-Wan, and not only that, but she has brought her lover there to kill him. You brought him here to kill me. The layers of emotion. This reading also makes Darth Vader's story more interesting. He senses something going on between Padme and Obi-Wan, and his feelings are somewhat justified.
Being betrayed by his wife and his best friend, I mean, that would make anyone want to kill a room full of children. Just kidding, that's super an overreaction.
Ah, nevermind.
I love my son. I can't kill my own son.
I'm gonna betray the Emperor instead. But with this new reading, his motivation is, I want to destroy Luke, because his very existence reminds me that my best friend betrayed me and slept with my wife, but, ugh, nevermind, I'll save him anyway. By saving Luke at the end of Jedi, Vader is accepting Obi-Wan and Padme's love, and acknowledging that, even though they cheated, they belong together. And accepting Luke, he accepts and forgives their betrayal. With this new reading, Star Wars I through III is about the tragic destruction of an intense friendship, and love shared among three people. And Star Wars IV through VI is about the ultimate preservation of the best thing that came out of that love, Luke Skywalker.
Boom, bam, Maggie is a genius. You were right about me.
Shut up, Vader. So, there you have it. Maybe next time your nephew wants to pop in the prequels, you won't have such a hard time watching. As for Jar Jar Binks, I have nothing for you but to burn your retinas.
I'm Maggie Vayfish, and this has been A Better Way to Watch. Thanks so much for watching, guys. I've been Maggie, and if you liked this video, make sure you like, share, subscribe to our channel, and if you want me to do another reading of a movie, leave a comment below. I don't know, maybe I'll make a video on it. |
CrackerMilk | stealing_blood_diamonds | Tom, you own one of the most successful banks in the country. And the thing about Tom and Wealth Bank is, you're killing it. You're making bank. Yeah, we steal from the rich and give to the rich.
And you know what? I think someone is planning to heist. What the fuck bro? That bank. We're gonna put together two teams. One to make sure that bank is nice and secure.
And another to break in and steal the diamonds. Those are my Nazi diamonds. Yeah, you got Nazi diamonds?
I don't know what you're talking about. Elias. Yes.
Of course, with any good heist, you need to put together a team. And on your team, you have multiple getaway drivers because there's so many diamonds, you're gonna need a bunch of people to get the hell out of there with them. Hell yeah. You've got Daniel Kirsch, Andrew Jordan, Jaden Sheppard, Tom McLaughlin, Luke Lux, James Rexican and Wouter van Vielen. These guys are driving your getaway vehicles. Fuck yeah, do they each have a vehicle? And they're getting you guys away.
In Cole's shopping trolleys.
Okay. Okay, how's the terrain? Is it uphill, downhill? Mostly rocky, rocky, muddy terrain.
All a strong bunch. All are very, very, very, M16 machine guns. They are all armed with M16 machine guns. Excellent. All of them.
Do any of my guys have weapons? You have the muscle. These guys are going to kick down that door and hold this bank up.
Baby, let's do it. Are you ready, baby? Yes. You ready? Baby, are you ready?
You've got Tom with the TH, Daniel Metzger, Keenan Parry, Craig Watson, Magical Monkey 100, Hamish Luca, Dave Bautista, Ken Gillette and Gabrielle Souto. They are well equipped, my friend. Very, very, very well equipped. Very, very well equipped.
Nothing. They have nothing at all.
They're just going to walk on in. This heist has to get underway soon. And you have another line of defense defending your bank. Do you know who it is? The bank tellers. They're going to be in there.
They're doing their job. They're working hard. You've got Chai, Matt, TheAnimePanda, Ritthi Kadinas, David Murphy, Derek Sabala, Devin Wolf, Victor Seifer, Aakar, Alexander Adriana, and Enter 560. Whoa. These guys are very, very good at your job. They're well trained? Well trained. Are they well armed? No, they're bank tellers.
OK. All they do is process money, OK, and equip themselves with M16 machine gun. That's what I like to hear. Yes. Of course. OK. The thing about money is it's not just lying around. OK. We're not stupid here. OK.
It's not just lying around. It's in a safe. And so what are you going to do when there's multiple saves? Have multiple people cracking those saves.
Crack, crack, crack. Let's do crack. Let's all do crack after this. So they're all crack addicts? Yeah. They're addicted to crack. Tom Doona, Jack Cage, Zach, Eric Bowles, Nascogarh, Mies Vahejli, Jeffrey Christensen, Matthew Paradise, Matthew Goldspera, Masra Ahmed. They're all heavily addicted to crack. But can they do anything? They can do a lot of crack. They can do crack. All right. What are we going to do with those crack addicts?
You have a bunch of security cameras. And the thing about these security cameras, they're actually people.
Why don't...
They're security cameras! That's all they are, dude!
When they see someone, they pull out an M16 machine gun that they have, and they fire at them relentlessly. That's what I like to hear. They've got fucking M16 machine guns as well?
Sorry. Can I just get a call out? Is Elias being fucking annoying? Yeah. Yeah, thank you. So maybe just reflect on your behavior.
Elias, you have an amazing group of $15 patrons. Well, behind every heist are brains, right? You need a group of really highly intelligent people.
And very clearly, you are not that... You're not that person. Like, you're a fucking idiot.
And do you want to know where all of their intelligence lies? Do you want to know? Buzzfeed quizzes.
Which Disney princess are you? They know straight away, looking at you, they know which Disney princess you are.
How are these going to fucking help me in the heist? I don't know. Think about it, dumb fuck.
Tom. Yes. Your security is so tight and you have so many effective members of this bank that they're just here to keep everyone nice and relaxed. And these guys are a bunch of mezuzas. Yeah. Keeping everyone limber.
You've got Trevor Stott, Ashley Grant, Ryan O'Farrell, Luke Radford, Collier Venturi, Liam Wilson, and Wictor. Wictor Bovank. I think it's Polish and it's probably Wictor. If you write it with a W, I'm going to call you Wictor.
All right. They're armed with M16 machine guns as well. So they've also got those. And that's just in case anything happens. I'm sick of this fucking M16 bullshit.
Mate, this is not for you. This is for the patrons. And we're trying to deliver them an experience that they've had like no other. Yeah. I agree that it's for the patrons and I don't agree that all of Tom's patrons get M16 machine guns to gun all my patrons down.
Maybe if you weren't such a dumb cunt, you'd think, oh, I'll give my patrons M16 machine guns. But you never thought of that. I can't give them anything. He's giving me shit. Can I just quickly, can we just have a... I don't make the rules. I just want to hear like the people, what they think. Is Tom a dumb cunt?
Yes. No. Now, is Elias a dumb cunt? Yes. No.
That's okay, my friend, because we've given you one of our $50 patrons to help you out. And you have Goob. Go give your mate a hand. Fuck yeah.
Do you know what he has? Do you know what he's equipped with? What? Tell him.
Well, and Tom, you have our other $50 patron. S base pair.
He is your vault. He is the vault.
And the thing about him is he has two working arms. And what is he holding in those arms?
An M16 machine gun.
That's right, my friend. And we are ready to get into the heist. And what are you going to do first? I'm going to set up my getaway cards, carts, because they're shopping trolleys. Yeah, I'm going to do that. And then while they're setting up, I'm going to send the fucking crackheads right in. Make a distraction.
Very good. Very, very good.
And Tom? I buy my M16s. You have killed all the crackheads.
Maybe you should consult your brains. Maybe they have a plan for you.
Yeah. I'll be a BuzzFeed brain. Thanks, dude. Hey, man, what's up? I love BuzzFeed. Hit me up with what we should be doing. All right. All I've got is muscle left. Okay. You know what's funny, dude?
You would so be Arya Stark. You would so be Arya Stark, man.
I know. You're a Princess Jasmine. You're going to the front lines. So you're taking all of the BuzzFeed brains into the bank?
Yes. Okay. But not through the front door. Okay. And what else? My muscle? Yeah. Very, very, very good. And Tom, what are you going to do?
Fight my M16s. You have killed all of the BuzzFeed brains. And also the ricochet has killed all the muscle men.
Well, there's been a twist because in any good heist movie, there's a twist, my friend. And do you want to know that twist?
Goob never died. Oh, my God. He was alive the whole time. And do you want to know what he did? All the commotion was going on.
He broke into S-base Bear, the vault, and he stole the Nazi diamonds. And he is out of the bank.
Goob, come here. Fuck yes, Goob.
He's got all the diamonds, baby. He's got all the diamonds.
Yeah. I find my M16. You've killed Goob. And you've taken back your Nazi diamonds.
And this is fucking shit. All my guys have fucking died constantly. Thanks so much to our patrons. Fuck you patrons, I can't do shit.
Do you want to be involved in our thank you video? Do you want to help us fuck over Elias one more time? Well, you can. Just pay us. Go to Patreon and give us money. Also, follow our Instagram.
There's good stuff on there. Farewell, motherfucker. That's a tampon. Bye. God, it feels good having a puff. Not like a smooth tampon. |
cracked | the_women_men_don_t_see_people_watching_season_2_episode_7 | That's the loveliest thing I've ever heard. How's it going with the online dating there? Man, it's interesting.
After about five seconds, you notice how everything on here is so contrary to how women are portrayed in the media. Everyone's just like, fuck it.
I want sex every day. I want to see Pearl Jam in 30 countries. And then I want a joint.
And here's a selfie of me on top of a fucking mountain. I'm building a whole standup routine about it, actually. So I finally found a video game with really well-rounded female characters. It's called OK Cupid or something. I took a selfie on top of a really fat guy once. And yeah, you know me. I really want to write shit that says something about what it's like to actually be a person. And yeah, I'm learning a lot from these women.
They're never what you think. You mean we're never what you think?
Holy shit, please tell me you haven't thought I was a guy with a high voice this whole time. Sorry, I know. I just think of you as you, you know. No, and that's cool.
I don't like to play the vag card, but I know you think research and empathy is the key to understanding others, but people don't always tell you everything, right? They're shit I don't even tell you, so I know for sure they're shit women in general aren't mentioning alongside their top 10 list of dad rock bands. I know you stare pretty hard, but they're still shit you don't see. Example? Fuck, have you ever messaged a chick on there and not heard back? Yeah, I keep writing these like genuinely smart and funny messages, but then nothing usually. I know life isn't fair, but still, come on. Yeah, but you haven't seen the other side there, have you? Like of the two of us, you're the raging feminist for whatever reason. So you should probably get up to speed on how there's the chicks you see and there's the chicks you don't who are on the other end of all that shit that people do to chicks when nobody can see. I see. What don't I see, though? Okay, you know when you see female friends on social media and they don't use their actual name? And half the time it's innocuous, you never really know.
But then a fucking bunch of the girls I went to high school with have Facebook names like Mary Fakestein and Sue Donim because they all fucking have a violently abusive ex they're trying to not be found by. The guy that everyone thinks is great because he only savagely beats you behind closed doors.
It's a thing. Yeah, wow. And then you take the guy to trial but nobody believes you because you didn't behave in the way they think they would behave if it happened to them? Yeah, that whole thing. Don't rely on your imagination is what I'm saying. It's not that good. Like how you think I don't get street harassed because it never happens when you're with me? What? You don't though, do you? How can I explain street harassment to someone who literally still watches cartoons on Saturday morning? I guess it's like...
Hello, my baby, hello, my honey, hello, my ragtime girl. Send me a kiss by wire. Baby, my heart's on fire. If you abuse me, honey, you'll lose me and you'll be all alone. Baby, telephone and tell me I'm your own.
Shit. Sorry, that's enraging. Fuck. Fuck, I always specifically hated that cartoon frog too.
They're out there. One day there'll be sex robots but right now we have to deal with all the guys who wish there were sex robots. The shit you don't see, Ted. I know about some of the shit.
I know that when it seems like a girl is flirting with me it's often just her being nice to try and defuse the situation because I look like a murderer. Or when you enthusiastically pretend to be someone's partner to ward off unwanted attention. Because I imagine shit probably all looks totally different when you're, you know, not as strong physical. Dude, I've dated guys that could hold me down with one hand like it was fucking nothing. Someone corners you and you need to fucking nice your way out of it. Yeah, for me, the only reason I'd flirt with someone is if I was specifically interested. Whereas on the other side of that power dynamic, yeah, there are probably a whole lot of other reasons.
That's why you need to be mad at the assholes because they ruined it for everyone. I already am mad at assholes. I at least got the memo that sexism is everyone's problem. If you're defining yourself by how you're different from a stereotypical image of women then you're boxing yourself in just as much. Like the way we make ourselves dumber by fetishizing certain types of intelligence over others.
How do you mean? Let's see. How can I explain this to someone who literally watches 19 hours of TV a day? And we're back. Susan, you have the board. Task it social understanding for 1600, please.
Chances are your unhappy friend just wants this instead of this. What is for you to just listen instead of listing solutions?
Yes. For 2000, please. The C word is best described in this manner. What is having different connotations to different people so you shouldn't just use it casually? Yes. Betty's board now. Midwifery for 2000, please. In human beings, this can often shorten the duration of labor before giving birth. What is exercise? Yes.
Well, it's been a two horse race here as we enter our final round. But remember, contestants, this last question is worth $175 million.
The category is things that Arnold arbitrarily values. And the answer is these are two things that Arnold are economics and sports cars.
Man, you guys don't know anything. Yeah. Whatever guys are doing is glorified by default. I got that memo.
Oh, why aren't more women founding tech startups? Because I have better things to do maybe. Why aren't more men not sending me threats of violence on Instagram?
Direct messages, of course, so no one can see. Yeah, fuck. I would just be mad all the time knowing that so many people have to privately put up with all kinds of sinister shit. How do you deal with that?
I don't know. It's not like it defines you, Ted.
People don't want your fucking pity or for you to be some protector, man. They just want you to not be a piece of shit. They want you to not spontaneously start choking people during sex after a perfectly nice evening.
And yes, that's a thing. Put that in your comedy routine.
What's the deal with how literally anyone you date can suddenly turn out to be a sociopath? But how do you not just constantly walk on eggshells? Because you don't? Plus, I think a lot of times when the whole floor is eggshells, you really just stop giving a shit.
Hey, new girl, how'd you lose your finger? Oh, my ex-husband pinned me to the kitchen table and cut it off with a pair of garden shears because I ordered the wrong kind of pizza for dinner. They couldn't even reattach it.
That reminds me, do you want to hit up that new pizza place next door later? Totally fucking starving.
You are who you are in spite of, not because of, you know? You think you'd be mad all the time because you haven't been seeing people's hidden strength either. Ah, touche. Or their hidden antidepressants too, probably.
How have you never been to a strip club, by the way? I don't know.
Something about having to objectify people in person. But I know you love the ladies of a certain stature there, Mr. Feminism. Mr. fucking giant boobs loving feminism, somehow. Well, you don't know what it's like to be attracted to giant boobs. Ah, touche.
Why are you not a feminist, by the way? I don't know. I'm not not a feminist.
I just don't like being told what to do. If I want to get hammered in strip clubs, go home with whoever and fucking spend the night getting turned into a sperm geode, then I don't need anyone telling me I'm a traitor for doing it. I fucking have enough problems. Yeah, and this might literally be mansplaining feminism, but the first rule of feminism club is that there's no singular definition. For me, it's not about telling people what to do. It's just about making sure that everyone has the freedom to choose what to do.
That's just common sense though, is it not? If that's even a thing anymore. Yeah, of course.
And maybe the first two rules of feminism club should be don't talk about it because it leads to misunderstandings. But at the same time, I feel like if you're not in people's faces and it doesn't force the issue. One of the most progressive characters on TV was Elaine on Seinfeld, but nobody fucking noticed because the show wasn't called me and my male friends who I'm equal to. It's all well and good to be ahead of your time, but I think you can also bring people with you as opposed to waiting for them to catch up. You can talk about feminism club, Ted. Just make sure you talk to people first.
Make sure you're not telling anyone how they feel. I don't even fucking know how I feel half the time.
Talk to crazy bitches who like metal. Talk to bitches who play metal where people will pull them aside and be like, wow, you're just as good as a guy.
Also a thing. And then imagine how that would feel. Yeah, and then imagine if on top of that, you have the temerity to not be white or straight or. Well, exactly.
Pretty sure I see a lot of feminists who have just as narrow a definition of women as the people they're opposing. Well, a lot of us don't Martha, trust me.
Honestly, dude, I'll always trust you. That's kind of my point here. I just always, I wonder what I can do, you know?
How do I be a good ally? Look, maybe it's just me, but I'm not trying to recruit allies. You don't need to buy into the whole thing where every dude thinks it's personally up to him to go forth and save everyone. You just need to listen, be the kind of person where people will tell you things to begin with.
Don't ever want you to look at me differently. That's why I hesitate to talk about this shit and why there's stuff I might never tell you. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to treat me like a victim and I don't want you to think you're a bad person.
I just want you to realize that there's a lot that people don't talk about. So there's a lot you don't know. So your picture of what it's like to be a person is probably incomplete. And I know that's not what you'd want, even if the world you get isn't what you'd imagined. |
dropout | collegehumor_beach_bodies | The gang was at work. Everything was normal. Then Dan's grandma's sister died of scarlet fever and left Danner Beach House. And that's how they sacked him. Don't question the logic. Hardly working the beach.
And now, partos! Sarah! Sarah, what would this be just clothes that are getting in trouble? No, stop thinking so much. Just let loose! What? Your clothes? What are you doing? I'm living! You should try it! I don't know. Come on, Todd! Stop thinking with your head and think with your heart! Alright, what the hay? It is way colder here than I thought. I mean, whatever, right? Not really.
My jeans are really butchin' up and great with my wallet. I don't have my wallet. I went in the water with my wallet.
It's totally wet now! Yeah, but we're seizing the moment, right? No, why don't you seize me a towel? I'm frickin' freezing! You said the sun was the only towel we needed. Carpe diem, right? Oh, yeah! Carpe diem! My carpe diem are gonna be so wet! They're smelling us! Oh, I regret this so much! So, like, what should I do? Give me a towel! Oh, my gosh, something's gonna be, something's gonna be!
I blame you for this! I blame you!
Bitch, I could get her to smooch me. Yeah, in your dreams, baked beans.
Yeah? What's this?
Help, I'm drowning! Somebody save me! Somebody hide!
Adrenaline! Uh, uh, ma'am, maybe it would be easier if you... Adrenaline! Not necessary. Clear!
Wow.
Oh, no. Okay, all right. You get me real scared there, buddy. Murph, man, are you all right?
I saw a side boob! Senor, senoritos! Buenos noche!
And now... I forgot the line, I forgot the word. |
SaturdayNightLive | will_ferrell_monologue_snl | I am So, I am so happy to be back hosting the season finale of Snl. I love you, I love you too more than you know. I've always loved being on this wonderful stage in front of a live audience. I actually did a one-man show on Broadway this year and I just got nominated for a Tony award. I should win since I'm up against that flash in the pan Liza Minnelli. You know it's so funny to me people, people don't realize that before I was christened the Jester, the Funny Man, the Goofbag. I was known and recognized not for comedy, but for my dramatic work in the theater. Let me cross downstage, left and explain. so many roles, so many stages, so many moments. And tonight I once again walk upon the boards and present to you a mere tasting of my theatrical wines. This piece is the last scene in a play I wrote myself called the Wishful Dreams of Danny O'neill.
Thank you. I will warn you, I will warn you that I have never performed it for an audience that hasn't wept to the point of being shattered. So get ready to be moved. Hi Dad, please.
No laughter. you look so small in that hospital bed, like a boy. they said you can't hear me but I know you can. just like when I was little and you would. You would watch tv and you would ignore me. Please no laughter. why wouldn't you talk to me Dad? I was a five year old boy. I would sit there wringing my hands and my mind would race. I should have been in your lap eating popcorn. you laughing at a joke I told you and hugging me hard. but but there we sat drowning in that thick Irish disappointment of yours. I watched my mom die slowly from it and I would find her in the lilac bushes. I'd say what's wrong mama? she would say your dad is so sad. thank you. not her. she wasn't allowed to be sad. was she da? Now I'm spending my life trying so damn hard not to hurt my boy like you hurt me. we sit in the same silence and his mind races. it's funny isn't it? You never talked to me, but I always wanted the last word.
So here it is. Line. Hey, that popcorn's good, ain't it? hey, that popcorn's good ain't it?
Maybe you do love me because because it doesn't matter because I love you. Do you hear me, Papa? I said I love you and I forgive you because I forgive me. knock, knock. Who's there? it's your son. it's your son Who? it's your son who And I'm sorry Line. it's your son who loves you. it's your son who loves you. it's your son who loves you. |
cracked | white_people_rapping_about_rape_what_could_go_wrong_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, welcome to episode Babylon of does not compute the only web series that will be used as evidence in the final trial Of man before the Android high court It's not looking good I'm your host a Mexican Sasquatch and my co-host this week is Japanese instructor and human owl sanctuary in this Hannah minks Haha, and I assume he can't ears are to draw the eye upwards You're right. That was callous and I apologize Hannah Please teach us all some Japanese You know I'm not sure it took a minute-long video to explain that mitsu means water that ticker did a pretty bang-up job or the Sentence I just said for that matter mitsu means water yet. Your views are through the roof. What's your secret Hannah? Of course the Christians big demo, you know, you could play that up even more if you got creative now, who knows Japanese Everyone and hey speaking of things that kill my erection today's topic is rap against rape the raping of rap Rap against rape began as an attempt to halt a terrible violating crime But in its own way became something even more violating and terrible than rape itself Alright, maybe Exaggerating a little but come on. It's like a full-body mullet cool cat above the neck off-duty building contractor below Or like if Dan Aykroyd just stopped caring after Belushi died But hey, don't take my word for it rapper against rape. Number one. What do you think of the state of rap today? emergency God beyond control people are losing their heart and soul the 1980s have come and gone But this problem still goes on and on and how thoughtful to provide a stunning example of the problem as you describe it Impressive layering, don't you think miss Anna? Whoa, talk about an immersive study program. What are you soaking the girls in there? Me too See You know your raps in trouble when your chorus is literally a woman asking what you did wrong and answer your question Firstly, you let Oh flirty Mick respectable introduce the band. They're made up of five DJs a group of rap Dancers and special guest.
He's low-conner and they're all performing tonight and will be in a fortnight's time Your MC just use the word fortnight. I don't care how cool your act is. You're not following that and coming up now We've got a fella by the unlikely name of naughty negative He'll be shooting at gas tanks then leaping from the ensuing explosions should be a hoot and holler So gather the we won't come on right late to the teleset posthaste. All right, fuck it. I'm going to a donkey show Secondly, why are you not a donkey show dying art? Am I right? Nixie?
Oh Oh I hadn't forgotten and thirdly you spoke out against rape using rap only genre of music with a known pro-rape bias That's like rapping about how crappy you are at rapping. Oh I'm the worst rapper and I'm here too. I'm saying I'm Just not going well, but you gotta dance. I'm going to make money off this rap You gotta run in rapping almost all the time going away. I want to run away. I don't know any more words So I'm a Pie and then I do that I forget what it's called But it's a cool thing that other rappers do come on work with me you Rapping rapping rapping and last but certainly not least rape like you've got your stage set up backwards all the cool Anti-rate fly girls are in back with Cyndi O'Lopper and the black dudes you rounded up for credibility and who have you gotten front?
What happens to the victims what happens we can tell? It will not disappear now, what can we all do to stop the terrible crime? You know agent makes no difference. It offers no defense.
Wait, are you sure that last guy was anti-rate young babies? Toddlers can all end up the file. No cliff clavin wants to defile our toddlers I mean yay rape sucks Wow, see now That's a smart move if you're gonna shit all over the stage always make sure you end with something that the audience literally has to clap for What oh Uh Sorry, I was thinking about Well, that about does it for this episode.
But before we go Let's insert me into places. I don't belong with a steamy new segment. I'm calling. Hey, I was in that It's time for us to join together. We're gonna step out the suit forever agent makes no difference It offers no defense to women in the ratings.
This rap is still fairly mine I don't believe it who could understand how we're so bad at rapping and how it rapping. We are bad children's lives are destroyed Children's right to rash to rash I think it's great to grab you bad. I think it's funny, but it's hard to tell the new show's Not really doing that. Well, I mean some people like it, but some people don't and then I get sad and I drink alone and Rape is wrong Yeah, hell yeah. Well, that's our show folks.
I'd like to thank miss Hannah Minx for being here I've been your boobs Michael boobs. Allow me to boobs your tits Complains you listen nice |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_clinton_succession_saturday_night_live | And now a message from the President of the United States. Good evening, my fellow Americans.
As you probably heard, I injured my knee the other day during a high-level domestic policy meeting with the Australian golfer Greg the Shark Norman in his Palm Beach condo at 1 in the morning. I understand the Republicans have appointed an independent counsel to investigate my knee. I also hear they'll be investigating my wife's knee as well.
They'll do anything to get me out of office while with all the subpoenas and investigators my administration faces today. some people are whispering about impeachment, but I'll tell you something you, you don't want that to happen no matter what people say I did. No matter what we know Hillary did. No matter what file she hid or check she accepted from Asian businessmen while wearing a Bill Clinton mask, you do not want me out of office. Why?
Well, let's just take a look at who could replace me if I do get impeached. Now your first option is my immediate successor, Vice President Al Gore. Hi, I'm Al Gore. Let me tell you, he's not even an option because if I go down that boring some bitch is going down with me now according to the line of succession, next step would be Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich.
But why would you want some chubby Southerner with a lot of ethical problems? we'll spend all his time fighting legal battles instead of running the country when you already got one moving along. We've got Senate President Strom Thurmond. He's a fine senator. I am a true patriot, But did you know that Strom Thurmond is an anagram of trust. no mom.
Rdh. I don't know what it means, but don't you find that pretty disturbing? Anyway, after him comes my Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright. she wasn't even born in the United States next. So now the Order of Succession brings us to the fifth person in line for the presidency: Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin. Advanced Dungeons and Dragons is much better than regular Dungeons and Dragons. That's very interesting. Robert. I bet he'd make a fine president when I'm President, I'm gonna go back to my old high school to make everyone eat it.
Oh thanks. thanks for coming by. Okay, sure. Poopy. My goodness. Well, there you have it. you've seen the choices and you know what? Now I dare you to impeach me. Just go ahead. Hell. I'll even help you. You know, when I hurt my knee the other night. I had just smoked a huge brick a hash and then I went and dove into an empty swimming pool. But but it doesn't matter. What the hell is this? you know, what are you doing here? don't play dumb with me, Willie, You haven't begun to hurt. If you don't make me next in line and President, I'll come at you hardcore. Say it. |
dropout | sexpectations | When I was little, I didn't have any brothers, so I didn't really know where the penis was on the body. I knew what it looked like. I knew it was between the legs. I wasn't sure where.
I was very confused by how people actually had sex because of the angles. Because I knew the vagina was a hole at the bottom of the girl and the penis was something coming out of the bottom of the guy. So I thought all sex had to be done like feet first. I kind of just thought people were scissoring all the time or like the guy had to be doing a handstand with his legs separated and then the woman would just like get on the bed or something and hop onto him, onto his dick. When I was a kid, my parents told me and my sister that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. I don't know if they thought like the V, like we were too young to understand the V letter. When we were like six or seven, they bought us a sex ed tape. There was a part on it where the guy goes, now some of you might have heard that it's vagina, but that's incorrect. It's actually pronounced vagina.
Like apparently this is a common problem. What is the point of that? What if I had never seen that tape?
What if the first time I brought a girl home, I was like, you know, you have a really beautiful vagina. When I was a kid, I thought that the first time that a guy went to second base with me, I was just going to have an orgasm. I thought that his hands on my eighth grade boobies, I should not say that, that's really creepy, that it was going to be like light fills the air. My eyes rolled back in my head like God comes down and touches my finger assisting chapel style. It was on a bench in the middle of a party, we're French kissing. Then he starts fiddling with my bra, he can't get it, but it's okay because the anticipation is building. He puts his hands on my boobs and just does nothing with them. It would just be like an alien coming to earth and not knowing how to use anything and just like ripping grass out of them just to see what happened. I didn't have my first orgasm.
During the first year that I was having sex, I was at the store buying condoms and I saw there are these condoms that are specially designed to make you last longer. I'll just use those and then I'll just be a superhero between the sheets. I went over to a place and you know, one thing led to another and I put it on. Turns out, actually, there's a numbing agent inside the condom and after about 10 seconds, my penis was completely numb. A little while later, I tried again and this time, it was a lot better and I was like oh my God, thank God, it's going great. Turns out that it was going great for me because I put the condom on inside out and after about five thrusts, I had completely numbed her vagina. Less than romantic. |
SaturdayNightLive | dysfunctional_family_dinner_snl | Karen, honey, how was school today? Fine. did you have band practice today, or is Mr. Larson still sick? No, he's still sick.
I had a funny thing happen today at work. when I left the office, I had trouble unlocking my car. then I realized I had the wrong set of keys. could somebody take your keys? Can I finish the story? Turns out that I had accidentally taken Jeff Peabody's keys and he had taken mine. we really had a long laugh. I thought that's who took them. Will you ever let me finish a damn story? I just assume that Jeff Peabody.
I would love to finish one damn story. your stories are lame, Dad. you don't talk to me like that. Shut up. You don't talk to me like that. I will Not believe it. I am a Division Manager. that is very important. Do Not Raise Your Voice, Emmy, or I'll hear it. You Don't talk to me like that. people are scared of me. Why would anyone be scared of you? I hate you, you big fat turd.
I spoke with Paula's mother this afternoon. so? I guess Paula's really excited about the sleepover tomorrow night. Oh, shut up, you drunken witch. did you pick up my dry cleaning? it's not ready until Thursday. I thought you said it'd be ready today. No, it's going to be ready Thursday. Well, you know I have that meeting tomorrow.
Well, I'm sorry. I wish you weren't a liar. didn't lie, Ted. I just wish you weren't a liar. I wish you wouldn't call me a liar.
Don't raise your voice at me. I am not raising my voice. You do Not talk to me like that. I hate you. I thought you don't talk to me like that.
I work too hard to deal with this stuff. I work too hard. I am a Division manager of charging 29 people. Shut up, bitch. I tried.
I drive a Dodge Stratus. Honey, do you want to go to pottery class with me this weekend? I wish you were dead. I'm going to take the car into the shop tomorrow. you mean your lame Dodge Stratus? You don't talk about my cars that way. I drive a Dodge Stratus. You don't talk about my Dodge Stratus that way. You do Not talk to your parents that way.
I am a Division Manager. I get to be 100 push-ups in 20 minutes. Rob's house. I hate you. both. This chicken is delicious. it's a recipe from Lipton cup of soup. |
dropout | rpg_heroes_are_jerks | Look at this, Martha. Paper says Fire Lord Goblin's army has taken over the kingdom. I suppose any minute now we should be expecting a chosen hero. That'll be him now. Oh, hello, chosen one.
How are you? No response, big surprise. Did you want some tea, some lemonade, some milk, some tea, some butter, anything?
No, I'm just going to promise you're a viable sin. Okay. It's fine, really.
Take our life savings. I mean, it's not like we had any vacation plans this year. Yeah, sorry, it's not much. It's just we had to start over after the other hero cleaned us out a few weeks ago.
Has anyone seen my medicine? Grandma, we've been over this a thousand times. It's in one of the huge identical vases lining the back wall. My medicine! Oh, it's his medicine now. My dementia?
It's a cabinet. It opens in the front.
Oh, what did you find? A chosen one? What? No magic sword? Just some dirty old rags? Well, I wonder why. Maybe it's because we're peasants, you fucking toll. Walter! What?
It's not like he's listening to us. It's like we're just part of the fucking scenery to him.
Oh my god, that's my wedding dress. Why the hell would you need that dress to save a kingdom? Oh, who cares about the stupid dress? Look, it's probably one of the seven legendary dresses he needs to collect or some crap.
Oh, is he gone? I don't know what's happening. You're taking my grandmother? Why? Oh, maybe she's one of the seven legendary grandmothers he needs to collect.
That's it. Now, listen. Stop. Alright. Look, it took a little bit of time, but I really think we finally got everything straightened out. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_hangxiety_snl | Whoo! That after party on Saturday was wild, huh? super wild, man. that open bar got me good.
Yep. can't help but have a little anxiety. anxiety? by what? I don't know. I wasn't, like, weird to anyone, was I?
Michael Longfellow. Kiss Attack. Oh! take your shirt off, man. come on! I want to see them Longfellows.
Dad! okay. dude, stop it! that's just anxiety, man. it's always worse in your head than what actually happened. Okay, cool. just woke up to a lot of missed calls. no big deal. probably just anxiety. nothing to be nervous about, dude. you're just anxious. totally. like, Mark. me and you are fine, right? we're all good? yeah, why wouldn't we be? you lanky Irish hoe! give me my phone back now! give me my phone back now! oh, you on your phone? yeah, give me my phone back now! All right! yeah! just make it chill. all good.
Man, how much did we drink? not that much. I had, like, two negronis and maybe 40 beers. yeah, well, whoever was bartending was making them strong.
Dude, let me make it! you're too slow! Now, please me, I'm filming you! I had filming me. please me, make it!
Hey, who ordered the margarini? I don't remember anything.
Hi, guys. Ana! what's up? that party was fun on Saturday. thanks for coming. you were a delight. And, uh, we're me and you kind of vibing. So, like, are your thoughts usually in Spanish or English? can you stop, like, yelling in my mouth? you're hilarious.
No, seriously, you smell like you have a dead tooth.
Oh, I love it! I don't think so. cool. didn't think so either. back to work. Well, Ana, everyone loved you. seriously, I was with people, like, all night and all we could talk about is how fun you were being. I love doing cocaine.
I feel so much better off the ground. no! thank you. it's just so nice to see you guys, How you really are, like, a family here. don't you hold out about me! you need a party. you're a jealous bitch. literally, the pot killing the cut of that! Give me my shirt! Whoa! family. we are. Totally. Hey, guys. oh, it's messy in here. that's crazy. I just want to say, your behavior at the after party was unacceptable. totally. I'm sorry, Mikey. this is a workplace. act like it. Okay, man. great.
God. that can't help but have a little anxiety. anxiety? about what? I don't know. I wasn't, like, weird to anyone, was I?
Michael Longfellow. Kiss the Top. Thank you. shut up, man. come on! I want to see them Longfellows.
Dad! Stop it! that's just anxiety, man. it's always worse in your head than what actually happened. Okay, cool. just woke up to a lot of missed calls. no big deal. probably just anxiety. nothing to be nervous about, dude. you're just Hank Chest. totally. like, Mark, me and you are fine, right? we're all good? Yeah, why wouldn't we be? you lanky Irish ho!
Give me my phone back now! give me my phone back now! Oh, you on your phone? Yeah, give me my phone back now! just making sure.
All good. Man, how much did we drink? not that much. I had, like, two negronis and maybe 40 beers. yeah, well, whoever was bartending was making them strong.
Dude, let me make it! you're too slow! Now, just lose me. I'm filming you! go ahead, filming me. just lose me, make it!
Hey, who ordered the Margarini? I don't remember anything. Hi, guys. Honor! what's up?
That party was fun on Saturday. thanks for coming. you were a delight. And, uh, we're me and you kind of vibing. So, like, are your thoughts usually in Spanish or English? can you stop, like, yelling in my mouth? you're hilarious. no, seriously, you smell like you have a dead tooth. I love it! you know what? I don't think so. cool. didn't think so either. Back to work. Well, Honor, everyone loved you. seriously, I was with people, like, all night, and all we could talk about is how fun you were being. I love doing cocaine. I feel so much better. No! thank you. it's just so nice to see you guys, How you really are, like, a family here. don't you hold out about me! you need autotune! we need autotune!
Potties, you're a jealous fit! literally, the pot killing the cut of that! Give me my shirt! whoa! All right. totally. hey, guys. oh, it's messy in here. that's crazy. I just want to say your behavior at the after party was unacceptable. totally like me. Sorry, Mikey. this is a workplace. act like it.
Okay, man. all right. God. |
SaturdayNightLive | collette_reardon_pain_killers_saturday_night_live | Two large drug companies announced earlier this week that they have developed new painkillers that work without the side effects associated with aspirin and Ibuprofen. Here to comment is our resident prescription drug Expert. yeah, expert. please welcome Collette Reardon. Hi, Kyle. You know, Kyle, there's so many exciting new prescriptions on the horizon, but this gal's just beside or so.
What do you got there? Oh these? Well, these these are just my personal travel pack of prescription honeys. Yeah, you see, I take I take the furinol here. you're in all. yeah, the furinol.
I could. Good kid. good kid. Well, now for example, call, okay when I get a headache, All right, I just knock back some of the furies along with the baker's dozen of the percocet. you know, just to make pain my bitch. Okay, no one gets hurt. Super. So what do you make of this new painkiller that is soon to be put out on the market? I'm not fighting it.
No, no fight here, you know, I could probably use them as a handy chaser to my die is a Pam that I take from my acute anxiety on account of the holidays coming up. Call: Why do the holidays have you so frazzled? Well, for starters, Call: I can't decide whether to get your standard buttered butter bull or just a kick-ass hand. So Dr. Tito Bevel Aqua hooks me up with a handful of demerol paired with a shot of liquid methedrine and poof. Guess who's in the holiday spirit you, You, guessed her. Chester. That's a pretty, uh, harsh combination. Maybe next time you want to get into the holiday spirit, you should just try Eggnog.
I'm serious now. Mrs. Reardon, that's that's Miss Reardon. Sexical, huh? you know, call I. You know, if you don't have any plans for turkey Day, I've got an extra beanbag chair with your name on it, huh? actually, I have plans. So, uh, how are you getting home? you're not driving are you? But my buddy Dr. Steve Longshoe, he practices medicine on the reservation. Yeah, he's gonna hook me up with same some peyote from a cold sore. yeah, that's my heart's cold. So Collette Reardon, Everybody. |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_really_into_survival_shows_sponsored_by_ultimate_ears | This is awesome. It's great, right?
Yeah, Darryl wanted to come but you guys know how he is your brother He would have spent the entire time teaching us wilderness survival tips. He learned on TV Loud noises attract dangerous predators. It's the first rule of Survival cool that my speaker is gone.
Hey, Darryl. Name's Derek Derek treks. No, it's not Darryl I just went wide with my vidcast rolling with Derek treks E-A-R-E-K So Derek spoke. Now, Darryl is emphasized.
How have you guys not started a fire? Survival is impossible without a heat source. It's 75 degrees out Another 20 minutes Hey Mackie, toss me water Whoa Dehydration takes precedence over fire And you are knocking on death's door. Remember when our cat had leukemia? Unfortunately, I didn't see a viable water source on the way down to camp.
We're gonna have to improvise Everyone form a semicircle. We're gonna drink my urine We're good. Yeah, this is why we don't take you places, Darryl. Oh, that's my roommates Maybe everything's okay now, but are you gonna be okay when a mountain lion comes down and infiltrates camp? That's why I brought these bullet ants. Oh Darryl, what the hell are you doing carrying bullet ants? They're for your protection. Okay? Hey attention everyone. The wilderness threat level has just gone from amber to a darker shade of amber much like my urine If we're gonna survive out here, I'm gonna just I need everyone to shut up Not that speaker is still going.
Yeah, it's really durable. Oh is it? Well, luckily I'm fully durable Oh, oh, oh, I really did it.
I got hurt. I hurt my ankle The ants natural tendency will be to go towards that speaker. Uh, yeah, they're not going. Oh one got me Buddy's a little if these ants don't go towards that speaker. They're gonna tear me to shreds if I could just hook it If I could just hook it yeah, they're just regular prep in there, huh? Red ants. Yeah, see you at home Derek. Wait, wait up. What?
It's okay.
I'll just follow the breadcrumb trail I shrewdly laid out I Just gotta lift myself Up with the tree, bitch It's gone. The ants ate my bread. The ants ate my bread |
TheOnion | Should_The_Patriots_Back_Up_Tom_Brady_On_A_Hard_Drive | Talking NFL, and I want to put this question out there. Should the Patriots back up Tom Brady onto a hard drive? He's looking healthy now, but what if something happens to him? I just think it's risky not to even have him at least backed up onto a cloud server or something. This is their franchise QB we're talking about. I mean, what if you lose him for this season, or even forever? You're gonna wish you had him saved on a thumb drive somewhere. Just gotta be careful, though, because after they accidentally saved over Vince Willfork, he was gone forever. Never getting that guy back.
Okay, coming up, I've got two tickets to the Flyers game in November that I'm willing to sell for $40 apiece. Upper deck, sorta near the aisle. If you're interested, call me, but it's cash only. Gotta unload these bad boys quick, though, so don't jerk around by calling if you're not serious about them. Welcome back to the Lodge, sweatheads.
We're talking NBA season predictions and asking how many games do you think the Chicago Bulls will attend this year? Tell you what, it's not looking good. After the Jimmy Butler trade and with that depleted roster, I seriously doubt we'll see the Bulls players suit up and go onto the court more than 20 or 25 times this season. I mean, the schedule is a nightmare for them. Frankly, they might not attend a single game in January and February. Maybe, maybe they'll show up for the Cavaliers at home, but they certainly won't be making it out to any road games. Big zero there. Okay, coming up, is it okay to watch tennis if there's nothing else on? |
cracked | settlers_of_catan_with_my_roomies_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with another, and I'm going to need to table this week's episode. You get it? Do you get it? You get it?
Behold the land of Canton, uh, uh, blue and green and other colors. And we are here to play this tabletop game. Uh, I'm on camera. Uh, Josh, I'm here, of course, to play Canton with my roommates, my newest roommates, uh, Robert Evans, David Christopher Bell. Josh, guys, thank you so much for playing this game.
Now, I am gonna find the dice. These are the dice. There's two dice, they're different colors, which I think is fun. I think that's a fun approach to dice.
Of course you exist, it's not your turn yet. And I got a 10. I got a 10, I'm invading the planes from the grass. So, it's very hard. Guys, it's very hard to play a tabletop game if we're all on the same side of the table. I don't know if you know that. Alex really wants to play a tabletop game, we want the rent money.
You've been living here for four months, and you haven't paid rent once. You gave us one jar of assorted currency, most of which was Canadian, and you called it the security deposit. That's all. Do you know what a security deposit is? I know a lot about security. I am securing territories of Canton. I guess money tears people apart, right? We're to keep your money. Whether you're invading the mountains of Canton, or you're...
It's Catan. It is Catan.
That doesn't sound right. No, everyone on the internet, all both of them, are going to comment on that. Please leave some comments to just... whether Robert's right or I'm right.
But like, let us know.
It's not all about, oh, who paid the rent? You have to pay us. Who paid the rent? I don't know. You don't have money. There is so much shit. I don't have any money. It's all in commodities and investments. What does that mean? We are going to get this back on track. It's not about who has money.
It's about expanding the game to the City of Nights. Did you spend more money on a fucking game? Is it under your chair? I handed it back. How much did that cost? Where did that come from? How much have you spent on Settlers of Catan in the last four months?
As you can see, there's a City of Nights here. Who will win? The City of Nights.
How much time have you spent practicing this... You win or you die. ...caring Catan trick. Now there is literally a box. It's really hard. We are in there on everything. But you are not cigarettes right now. It's really... I don't know what that is.
Okay!
Guys, let's play a round of Catan for the money. For the $4,000. Right, the $4,000. Let's play a round... Okay, we'll just play a round of Catan for it.
Fine. Then we can stop yelling. You have glasses too. Fine. Okay. Let's go.
I'm totally gonna win. You're not... We can all hear you. You're not gonna win.
Thank you guys so much for watching this very fun tabletop episode. If anybody knows about oral contracts or is like a lawyer, a contract lawyer, that would be really helpful right now. The corn weevils ate everything. Robert and Dave and Josh work tirelessly for Cracked every day. I can't thank them enough for also putting time into this. Adam Todd Brown is doing Stand Up in Kansas City, April 7th and St. Louis, April 8th. |
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