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cracked | why_every_hollywood_western_is_secretly_a_mad_max_type_movie_today_s_topic | Hey, did you see Mad Max Fury Road? I showed my newborn child Mad Max Fury Road. It's awesome, isn't it?
Let's say I'm willing to know. If we're talking about Westerns as an overall genre, right, mashing them all together, treating all 83 Westerns John Wayne did as one movie. If we have to.
A couple big tropes emerge, gun violence, bank robberies, big hats. The three most American things in the history of things. And none of them match the actual Old West. That's an actual historical period that there are records of. I mean, there's records of white Western settlers mistreating Native Americans. That's in Westerns. There's records of farmers and ranchers fighting over land use. That's in Westerns. Watch Westerns to see that stuff?
Hell no. I fast forward to the gunfights. Exactly. And gunfights were so rare in the Old West. It was a land of frontier villages, not the Thunderdome. Also by the 1870s, most Western towns had some kind of local law in the books against waving pistols around on Main Street. Gun control.
Scariest form of safety. Also, they had banks that were really hard to rob. Tons of security, no emergency exits, hard-ass townsfolk all around. That's why in a 40-year period, the Old West had eight bank robberies.
Total.
Also, also, they didn't really wear what we think of as a cowboy hat. No, cowboys wore cowboy hats. That's why we call them cowboy hats and not some asshole hats.
Why are you trying to ruin cowboy movies for me? You're supposed to be ruining Mad Max for me.
Oh, right. So in post-apocalyptic movies, when does the world end?
Well, some of them say we don't know. Some of them say we don't know and we're radiation mutants.
Exactly. Post-apocalyptic movies are about a distant future society trying to remember some scrap of the past. In the Book of Eli, they've got the Bible.
In Waterworld, they've got cigarettes. In Snowpiercer, they've got Ed Harris' man cave. And in Mad Max, they've got gasoline.
Yeah. And cars. And misogyny. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're getting it. You know, not, yeah, misogyny. Although, I will say this for misogyny.
I'd rather you didn't.
Misogyny is a key clue that normal movie westerns happen in a Mad Max future. Not the Old West. Are you going to tell me the Old West was good for women? It wasn't perfect. But women in the Old West led communities, led pioneering, and generally had it better than the average American woman of that time. Women even got the right to vote in Colorado, Utah, Idaho, and Wyoming in the 1800s, decades before American universal suffrage.
Kind of makes me proud to be from the West. I thought you were from Virginia. West Virginia.
Movie westerns have to take place after a Mad Max-type Armageddon. That's the only way they make sense. Because what would we do if we ran out of electricity and laws? We'd probably try to adapt to it by doing whatever pioneering stuff we think people used to do.
But we'd also hang on to a lot of our current society's key features, misogyny, gun violence, dental hygiene. Yeah, and lots of other stuff too, like vitamins. Oh, yeah.
I mean, all those cowboys just look like tall, handsome Hollywood actors.
Their diet is just whiskey. Which would have killed you in the actual Old West. Modern whiskey is merely poison. But before Congress passed the bottled-in bond act in 1897, there were no rules. You could put any old junk in whiskey. Random other alcohols, varnish, sulfuric acid.
Also, most westerns show people drinking sarsaparilla all the time, both. Wait, I know this one. Sarsaparilla, that's like a Hays Code thing, right? It's Hollywood for whiskey. Or it's a distant future society where sarsaparilla has become a popular fan. Oh, like right now with kombucha or Snapchat or fascism.
All movie westerns make sense if they're after a Mad Max-type Armageddon. That's why there's cookie-cutter-type towns, healthy people and animals, everybody's armed with a teeth, and black cowboys like an unforgiven. I'm cowboy Morgan Freeman, historical impossibility. Actually, there were a lot of black cowboys in the Old West, and basically every western ignores it, except unforgiving. And blazing saddles.
Oh, yeah. It's on you.
I'm working for Mel Brooks. Not in the faith! Man, that movie is all over the time stream. Mel Brooks is so cool. Yeah, he's the best. I'm tired of ruining cowboy movies.
Let's talk about spaceballs. You wanna talk about spaceballs? I mean, I guess. Why spaceballs?
Because this is a dream, Alex. My dream.
Spaceballs. 1987. Co-written, produced and directed by Mel Brooks.
That's the only thing that you use this tablet for, like a year. It doesn't look like anything to me.
Hey, you wanna talk about spaceballs? I showed my newborn child spaceballs!
It's so good!
Oh, hi.
So long! |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_road_trip_snl | I've just been doing a lot of press and these different jobs and don't get me wrong. I'm really, really grateful. It's just I'm starting to feel a little burnt out. Oh, that sucks.
Mark. are you ready with the playlist? Yeah! Oh, and I got the slurpees. Dude. nice. I'm sorry. what are you guys doing? we're going on a beautiful cross-country American road trip. just us in the open road. it's gonna be awesome. wait, can I come? I'm on the wheel. I'm on now. I'm on snacks and we miss the exit. recalculate route. okay, just look out for the next one. need a little heads up.
Yeah. okay. it's just it's a little hard doing music and the price of being shotgun. Yeah. no, no, it's fine. just let's try to focus on the Nav, right? Okay. yeah, I'll focus on the Nav.
Yeah, thanks. You're not in charge of me. sorry, can we cool it with the slurpee for a second? it's just right in my ear. Oh, yeah, sorry. it's okay. I'm happy to buy everyone a slurpee. you're just sucking on the but there's none left. Okay, can you scoot over your leg hair? it keeps brushing me. Yeah, fine. I'll move my leg. Did you just venmo request me for the slurpee?
Recalculating. did we miss the goddamn exit again? I'm sorry, man. I'm getting like a ton of tax. Who could you be texting that isn't in this car right now?
It was my mom. Man, my dad had a stroke.
I'm so sorry. So yeah, sorry.
I'm not focusing on the nav. I don't know why I said that he did not have a stroke. Come on, man. everybody. we're having quiet time. Read a book or something. I gonna puke, not puke in my car, dude. I get carsick from reading. is it coming up in 1.2 miles? I shouldn't have sucked down that slurpee. so fast. Art: that means nothing to me. Told me to focus on the man. we're going home. Then I feel so free.
Everyone asleep except for me. Big bright moon hanging in the sky. Never my lap. What just happened. Nothing. Go back to sleep everybody.
Thanks. We turn the Ac on. Yeah, you had a cold both. I saw what you did. Oh that sucks. Mark. Are you ready with the playlist? Yeah, Oh and I got the slurpees. dude. Nice. I'm sorry.
What are you guys doing? we're going on a beautiful cross-country American road trip. Just us in the open road. it's gonna be awesome. wait, can I come? just relax. We miss the exit.
Okay, just look out for the next one. Need a little heads up. Yeah. okay. it's just a little hard doing music and now price is being shotgun. Yeah. no, no, it's fine. Just let's try to focus on that, right? Okay. yeah, I'll focus on the Nav. yeah, thanks. Sorry, can we cool it with the slurpee for a second? it's just right in my ear. Oh yeah, sorry, it's okay.
I'm happy to buy everyone a slurpee. you're just sucking on the but there's none left. Okay, can you scoot over your leg hair keeps brushing me? yeah, fine. I'll move my leg. Did you just bed my request me for the slurpee recalculating.
We miss the goddamn exit again. I'm sorry, man. I'm getting like a ton of tax. Who could you be texting that isn't in this car, right? It was my mom. Man, my dad had a stroke. I'm so sorry. So yeah, sorry. I'm not focusing. I don't know why I said that he did not have a street.
Everybody, we're having quiet time. Read a book or something, not puke in my car. Dude, I get carsick from reading.
Is it coming up in 1.2 miles? I shouldn't have sucked down that slurpee. So fast.
Art. that means nothing to me. Told me to focus on the man.
Everyone asleep except for me. Big bright moon hanging in the sky. Never my lap.
What just happened? Nothing. Go back to sleep everybody. We turn the Ac on. Yeah, you had a cold both. I saw what you did. |
dropout | locked_in_a_coffin_for_1000 | I am going to put you, who seems pretty clear to have gone through a goth phase. How dare you? You've gone through a goth phase. No, I missed it because I was Christian. I went in the oven through a holy fizz.
Then this is even better. This is even better. Allie Beardsley, I'm going to put you in a coffin for an entire work day.
Go. Yes. Yes, indeed. Ha. No.
Don't play with the baby model. Listen, you're getting locked in right now. What are you doing? Are you paging me?
At this time, I would like some of Allie's good friends to come and say a few words. I'll always remember Allie as less fun to fuck with than Grant.
I'm going to put you in a coffin for an entire work day.
I'll always remember Allie as less fun to fuck with than Grant. There are many things that, if Grant were in this coffin, I would want to do. Perhaps drum on the lid a little bit. Perhaps fart into the ventilation tube. These are things that I feel would be somehow wrong to do to Allie, but right to do to Grant. We will miss them. I'd like for that to not be how all the speeches go. And for how we commiserated about Grant together. And about his bad opinions. About his weird sort of kink sense.
That's wonderful. Stop that. Now, if you'll indulge me, I'd like to sing two verses of Amazing Grace. Amazing Grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me To qualify as a sandwich, a dish has to have two pieces of bread.
Who cares? This annoys us as much as I do. Yeah, who would give you something like that amplify your voice? I seem to have Allie's cell phone right here. No, you don't. Jess, would you do me a favor? Would you actually say who these texts are from?
Oh, um, one's from Sophia with a hard key. Sophia. Allie, who's Sophia?
Shut up. Stop it.
Well, I guess I will press home to open. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, that's just a shame. Oh, no. How's it going? Later. Want to get a drink tonight when you're not, quote, buried?
No! No, no. Reply. No! New phone. No! Who dis?
Okay, listen, it's lunchtime. Oh, God. This is tuna salad on Italian herbs and cheese bread. Wait, wait, listen.
If you don't want it, that's fine. I'll go ahead and leave it right down here by the blower. No, no, no. We'll go ahead and lay back down, lay back down. I can't eat it. Well, then it's going to have to stay right there by your head. Oh, fuck you! I almost want to eat it just to make the smell go away. Well, the smell doesn't have to go away. I'll put one down here by the vent. No, no, no, no, no. Just let it, you know, you know what you're eating. We'll just let that hang out there for a while, I suppose.
Oh! Anything? A margarita? Oh, you're welcome to come out and get one. Hello? What are you guys doing?
Just kind of working. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, I think everyone's pretty over the bit by now. Six, five, four, three, two, one. Nice. Hey, welcome back. Okay, thank you. You did it. How was it?
That sandwich was a mess. It was so bad and it smelled so bad so I thought like maybe I'll eat it to get rid of it. I'll note there is no sandwich in the coffin. You finished that sandwich.
Nice work. You just earned a grant. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a fucking passcode. No, you don't.
I'm on Grindr. Why isn't it? Get off my Grindr.
Thank you for watching that free clip of Total Forgiveness. If you liked that, check out Dropout to see the full 22-minute episode. Yeah, that's right. Head over to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. You might even see Grand do this.
Welcome to bear country, my friend. Are you into bears? Am I into bear?
Oh, I see. Oh, okay. We're doing gay jokes. Well, are you? No, I'm into twinks. |
TheOnion | What_Is_Your_Amateur_Porn_Telling_Employers_About_You | A new report finds that over 60% of employers are now checking online amateur pornography of potential job candidates. Is it fair to base hiring decisions on an applicant's online porn? This is not fair at all. For instance, if there's a red tube video of my girlfriend slapping me and choking me and riding me, that shouldn't be an indication I'm going to lack leadership in a work situation. Yeah, yeah, but Duncan, it's going to be hard to convince an employer who's masturbating to that video otherwise. Exactly. My potential employer might see all those videos of my husband tying me up and having his way with me, and then they're going to think that I'm not going to be assertive enough for the job. I mean, these days, everyone has an X-Tube account. It's your own fault if you lose out on a job because you've got tons of videos on the web where you're slowly inserting various household objects into your anus. Yeah, but what if you're showing those things in your anus on your own time? Let's be smart about it, you know? If you know an employer might see this, post a video of yourself getting double-teamed by two brawny Latinos to show your support of diversity in the workplace.
Oh, and multitasking. Excellent.
I don't have the right to badmouth my employer while shooting a POV hand job without fear of affecting my future prospects for work. If you don't want to jeopardize the content of your porn, you can always shoot from the eyes down. Oh, but that's not the same if you cover the eyes. That's where the innocence is. Yeah, but guys, don't these amateur sites also have privacy settings that you can set so that future employers don't have access to these questionable videos? Right. Yeah, but that doesn't protect you from appearing in other people's videos. Now, I found on YouPorn a video of me participating in some piss play at a party a few years ago. Oh, I hate that. It's a really good time for everybody, but the thing is we didn't know who uploaded it to the web.
So, am I supposed to leave an orgy just because someone shows up with a camera? No one's saying you should leave an orgy.
Right. It's more complicated. So now, if I go to a party, I wear something like this in case that situation comes up again. Yeah, I like that. I actually shoot my porn in sepia tone and make it look old-timey, so if people see it, they'll think it's my grandfather or not. Okay. Very interesting. All right.
Thank you so much, first responders. |
cracked | does_not_compute_the_4_most_mind_blowing_things_ever_captured_with_a_gopro | Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little. Huh? Oh, hey internet, don't mind me. Just slowly withering away into mundanity.
You know, seeking wicked action in my life. Being an android trapped below the surface of the Earth after a mild to moderate apocalypse is not nearly as entertaining as cultist literature makes it sound. If only there were some way to experience thrills and adventure vicariously, you know?
Like I was there, some kind of virtual optical. They're walking on the sky, on the sky. They're like Windows media player visualizations made of people. Now I'm walking on sunshine.
My god, the sheer unbridled exclamatory power. It's like someone told grammar to just fuck off already, and I'm loving it.
I feel alive as if for the first and only time. Oh, I think I'm also having heart palpitations, which is extra weird since I don't have a heart. Does Red Bull give you hearts?
All right, skiing. Not exactly what I had in mind when I queried the system for videos that will make my eyes shoot surge cola, but hey, buddy, you're getting really close to, oh, you don't want to do that. And with the legs kicking up, no, somebody save the children. OK, so I guess all I have to do to feel alive is simulate the opening scenes of Bond movies. Got it. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You decided to fall down a mountain on purpose, dodging an avalanche you created, and then we find out you got a friend to come with you? How? Yeah, so yeah, I mean, basically, are you down to like, fill me from skis? Well, I ski off of a cliff, dodging an avalanche that I made that sort of goes in the area where you're skiing. Wow, that's way cooler.
I was just going to shoot myself. Yeah, because you're an idiot. Fair enough. I deserve that.
OK, that was plenty. Thanks. I'm settling into a nice steady adrenaline buzz now, you know, back in the suit. Kind of acidy from the taurine. Whoo, figure we'll call it a list. Load up some Wiggles videos, yeah? By which I mean, whoo, fucking yeah, Red Bull. OK, this feeling's clearly only going to last 15 more seconds, so hit me with the good part. Shit, yeah. Speaking of stuff Red Bull makes you do, that would have been an excellent time to pee on lots of people at once who are clapping for you.
Not an occasion, I imagine, comes around very often if you aren't R. Kelly. Real missed opportunity. Energy trough. Roll clip. Ugh.
Holy shit. I mean, holy shit. Seriously, though, holy shit.
No, no, get away from me. Get away.
Somebody save the children. Whoa, damn it. Our GoPro's made of some kind of special plastic that attracts all known animals in the galaxy.
Perfect, I think. Anyway, my energy level is normal, though I do have this slight tremor in my hand. I'm not concerned, though. I mean, when is a slight tremor of the hand ever?
Yes, crash, kill, kill again. Sorry, I had four more Red Bulls when you cut away. Wow, you humans really don't react to flipping your cars. I mean, you're aware that's one of the countless things that can destroy your pathetic flesh bodies, right?
Am I right? This guy knows what I'm talking about. OK, get the Red Bulls away from me. I'm cut off. Someone come take them.
No, no one's there. No one's there, no one's there. I'm alone.
Suddenly, the alarm sounds. The plane is going down, spiraling into the ocean. Look, I was done with this shit after falling from the sky, OK? I screamed like a child at the horrors of the sea, and the vehicle's crash event made me go temporarily insane.
Now, this is all of those things at once, and I don't know what to feel about it. I'm completely overstimulated, yet once again, the people in the video are treating their life-threatening adventure like a visit to the Let's All Keep Calm and Expression-less Contest building, the building where they have the contest. Everybody OK? Do people with GoPros have souls? Also, how many times have I said Red Bull in this episode? Can we get some sponsorship dollars over here? What? Well, that's about enough excitement for this week. What did I just say?
When it comes to extremism, I've clearly got a lot of catching up to do, hence the phone here. I figure it's time to make some extremist vids of my own. That'll get the NSA's attention. I do have a built-in camera, of course, but it's not somewhere I'm comfortable exposing. Get it? Exposing? This guy knows what I mean.
Oh, god. Now I'm having withdrawals. Oh, my stomach. Oh, my camera. Damn you, Red Bull.
Hey, gang. Thanks for watching the latest episode of Does Not Compute, back by popular demand. And you know, now that we're listening to the people and you've spoken clearly, I am proud to announce we're bringing back all your favorite shows, Agents of Crack, Back, Mike and the Gang, Back, George W. Bush's Fun Time Hour. That was a big get for us. He's back. He's doing the original voice. It's all the same cast. Improv Rolodex Show. That is back where we just think of shows that you've seen before, that one sketch where you see my balls, episode after episode after episode. They're all coming back. All your favorite shows right here on television. |
cracked | how_to_fix_america_s_bathrooms_in_3_easy_steps | Bathrooms. You can't live with them, but yes, you can. Most of us do. And they're a real head scratcher in terms of who should be allowed in which bathroom.
Specifically, should trans women and trans men be allowed to use the women's room and men's room, respectively? Or should trans women and trans men be forced to use the men's room and women's room, respectively?
Well, I'm here to help solve America's public restroom problem once and for all, alright? One thing we have to do is put little steps around the toilets in all public restrooms. Have actually been pooping wrong. Basically, ever since the toilet was invented by Brian Anis-Poussy. Thomas Crapper.
Sorry. Really? That's right.
The way we sit when we do the euphemism for pooping actually roughs up our colon something fierce and can cause cancer in your poo tubes, which is the scientific term for the butt's intestine. Anyway, the healthy, natural, correct way is to squat like an ape over a hole like an ape in the dirt. It doesn't have to be dirt. One company actually sells these little steppy stools. Stool. Because this subject synonyms. You can buy this stool, but I think all public restrooms should actually have redesigned toilets to solve for this error.
You know, progress didn't stop when we came up with dental floss. It stopped when we came up with those little, you know, those like little dental floss hooks that you can just sort of... and then...
Yeah. But people are scared, okay? I get it.
You're worried that trans people will assault you, or make you uncomfortable, or molest your children. Even though it's actually much more likely for a child to get molested by the longest-serving speaker of the United States House of Representatives, Dennis Hastert, than say, a trans person trying to pee.
But this is a solvable problem. Public restrooms need to start having actual toilet seat lids that cover the bowl, alright? Not that nasty three-quarter moon wide-open nonsense that's everywhere. You flush a toilet that's exposed to the air, you're spraying all of that, frankly, pee, and crassly f*** from your asshole into the air. It's like how hand dryers, like the Dyson Airblade, actually launch bacteria and viruses into the air, which is for breathing. So let's protect our children from harmful predatory bacteria and longest-running speaker of the house, Dennis Hastert.
And take our bathrooms back. Make our bathrooms great again. Like when it was just a hole in dirt. Because bathrooms are a sacred place, it's where we do our godly business.
And so we should feel safe in them. Everyone should feel safe and comfortable. For example, regardless of the fact that the medical community recognizes that it's essential for the mental health and well-being of transgender people to be able to live in accordance with their gender identity, it makes sense that a trans woman might not want to walk into a men's room when 50% of transgender people experience sexual violence in their lifetime, and 1 in 10 are sexually assaulted in a health care setting, and 100% of the longest-serving speakers of the United States House of Representatives, Dennis Hastert, are admitted child molesters. But I certainly don't feel safe in these new, liberal, inclusive, empathetic public restrooms, and you shouldn't, alright?
Nah. A lot of people recommend, after washing your hands, grabbing a paper towel, opening the door with that, and tossing the towel on your way out. But I think we should require foot handles on the insides of all bathroom doors. You know, outside can have a handle, that's fine. But inside, a foodle. So, you know, like, an easy little kick. Kick open the door, hands free.
Problem solved! America? I think that's it. We did it. I am dangerously happy.
But instead, watch out for all these marbles! A hole in dirt.
Because bathrooms are a sacred place. It's where we do our godly business. And so we should feel safe in them. Everyone should feel safe and comfortable. For example, regardless of the fact that the medical community recognizes that it's essential for the mental health and wellbeing of transgender people to be able to live in accordance with their gender identity, it makes sense that a trans woman might not want to walk into a men's room when 50% of transgender people experience sexual violence in their lifetime, and 1 in 10 are sexually assaulted in a healthcare setting, and 100% of the longest serving speakers of the United States House of Representatives, Dennis Hastert, are admitted child molesters. But I certainly don't feel safe in these new, liberal, inclusive, empathetic, public restrooms, and you shouldn't, alright?
Nah. A lot of people recommend, after washing your hands, grabbing a paper towel, opening the door with that, and tossing the towel on your way out. But I think we should require foot handles on the insides of all bathroom doors. You know, outside can have a handle, that's fine. But inside, a foodle. So, you know, like, an easy little kick. Kick open the door, hands-free.
Problem solved! America? I think that's it. We did it. I am dangerously happy. Like a joke, or something like here. But instead, watch out for all these marbles! |
TheOnion | Jim_Haggerty_Porks_The_USA_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_1 | I'm Jim Haggerty. You know me as the host of Today Now, but I've also eaten in a ton of restaurants. Now I'm heading out on the road. My mission?
Find the best pork our country has to offer. And I won't stop until I hit all 50 states. This is Jim Haggerty, porkin' across America. We're tasting prime pork dishes in every state in the Union, and I couldn't be more excited for this once-in-a-lifetime tour. You're going to be right here with me, seeing everything I do and watching every pork I taste. Those big city worries are behind us now, and I've got everything I need to make sure this is an experience we'll never forget.
Oh, it's the wife. I think she's jealous she doesn't get to come along.
Pork Man speaking, who may I ask is calling. What? What's going on? It's Jim, honey. I'm just being funny.
Stop the runaround. There's dark water flooding in the laundry room. You have to come home and check this out. Well, I can't turn around now. I'm going to be back in 10 weeks. Just leave it till then. I don't know what you think I'm going to be able to do. Am I a plumber? You have to deal with it. I am dealing with this. I'm telling you to call Armando and write him a check. I mean, I can't just drop everything. This is my show, and these people are depending on me, and I have to be here to eat the pork. Can you just come home?
I'm already up to my neck with the kids and volunteering. Oh, come on. You don't even like volunteering.
Hey, I can handle this on the road. We have Wi-Fi here in the van.
I don't know what to do. Please just come home. Bye. We'll take care of that later.
In the meantime, let's set a course for pork. The people of Lexington, Kentucky like three things, horses, cats, and pigs. You can tell just by looking at them that they know pork. The Country Smokestack has been dishing out country-style pulled pork sandwiches for years as one of Lexington's best barbecue joints. I'm here with Michael Moses Jr., who is the owner of the Country Smokestack. Michael, how do you get your pulled pork so tasty? Well, most important is we make everything from scratch. We're using fresh local meats.
That's good, right? Well, yes. Yeah, I thought it was, yeah.
Michael's kitchen was oinking with activity, but he took time out from his busy lunch hour to show me how he preps his prize pig. A little salt and pepper for flavor. I'm sorry, I missed that. The salt and what? Salt and pepper. That's right out of my cookbook. I'm a big salt fan. Moses must know what he's doing with his salt. He serves up over 300 of his sandwiches every day. We're going to take the juices from the meat, add some spices, and then pour it back over the meat.
I imagine you have to do that really fast before the bad stuff starts to grow. It takes a while for bacteria to grow.
She does love the talk. Deb, I'm in the restaurant. I can't talk now. Tell them just to calm down. I'll call you back in a few hours.
While my pork was being prepared, Michael showed me around the kitchen, where my pig met its maker, him. We let the pork roast in these ovens for a few hours until the meat's ready to fall off the bone.
Nice. Wow. Tim. Look at that.
It's almost like muscle. Most of meat is muscle. Pork is America's most sacred meat, so that makes Chef Moses a regular pulled pope.
Nice sturdy pipes. Probably should have had this kind.
Since times like these, I thank God I'm not an observant Jew. 18 missed calls. Sorry honey. The only number I'm not screening is pork.
Let's eat. Everyone knows that eating alone can be very depressing, so Michael agreed to join me for my inaugural pork plate. Here we go.
Thank you. That looks great. Big ass. Wow.
You can really taste the cooked pork. We had a little extra chili powder to give it a nice kick. I like the chili. You can definitely taste the powder too.
You know, it's amazing how before you cooked it, this meat was all cold and red. It was red? It was red. You know, meat sure changes a lot in the cooking process, doesn't it? It sure does.
Damn it, Deb. Where are you? I'm at the pork restaurant, Deb. How have you still not taken care of this?
This is just like when Tommy was getting beat up at school and you stayed at your stupid up front. That was another problem that you made a big deal out of that ended up solving itself. We had to put him in a different school. Oh, I thought the bully died.
Listen, I'm doing the show right now. I'm sure everything's going to be fine as long as you just stop doing stupid things that make it worse. Don't call me stupid. This is exactly the kind of ridiculous overreaction to a tiny leak that I should have expected from you, Deb.
I mean, this is just classic. This is classic.
I hope your show gets canceled. What? Hello? What about the show?
Look, uh, Deb, I'm sorry. I've always said there's nothing more important than family. So I will help you with the flood or whatever in a day or two. Okay. Call me back. Sorry.
These wives of ours, it could be pretty tricky. Oh, yeah. I've been married 29 years and I still don't understand my wife.
Well, if you're still hungry, you could try a strawberry pie. No, no, no. That's okay. I can only eat pork. Thank you so much for your time. Hey, hey, our food doesn't cost this much. Well, I had some pipe problems at home, but fortunately we avoided any pork problems. Thanks to my friends here at the Country Smokestack who helped ensure that I always have a ton on my plate. Until next time, see you in pork. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Rohit_Bhargava_The_FuTuRisT_Live_from_SXSW_Sydney | South by Southwest we're very honored to be here and today's guest has been invited to keynote events in 32 countries but I bet you he's never had the shaling dumplings like they do down in Haymarket. I don't think he would have had anything like that. Did they have them in East Ocean? Nah, nah right. You should check out Chinatown, it's great if you want to violate RSA's a bit later. One of the world's most entertaining and authentic speakers on disruption, activation and non-obvious thinking which are all words that we are going to interrogate heavily in this interview as we attempt to dissect the futuristic jargon that we hear in convention centres like this.
Rohit thank you for joining us today. We're very honored that you're our first guest. I'm honored too mate. There we are. I can see why you can tour 32 different countries, you slipped right in with the mate there.
You know I used to live here for five years. Okay well I didn't do my research. Where about should you live?
Bondi Junction. Heavenly. It's like if a Westfield was on top of a hill. Yeah it was probably one of the first kind of to go in the Eastern service gentrification. I feel like Bondi Junction is good fun. It's kind of what Bondi should have been. There was a time when I was living in Bondi Junction and I was working for a client in like North Sydney and I would just go straight from my apartment into the train to the building where I worked and I would never go outside.
Never see the sunlight. Never.
You would have done so well in the pandemic. Now what I want to do as someone who's been to 32 countries is ask you off the bat as you know close-minded reactionary voters what is South by Southwest? What is it? Well it started as a music festival in the US and then they added film and then they added this weird interactive thing and then Twitter launched there and all of a sudden it became a big festival for tech also. So now it's those three things. Okay three things. I noticed we didn't have any Penrith Panthers on the lineup or Brisbane Broncos for that matter. I guess we'll get the Queenslander friendly fourth prong eventually in South by Southwest Sydney. But let's talk about what you do. What was the actual term we were throwing around the office today?
Future? Futurist? Futurist. Is that the actual term you'd use? No I'm a reluctant futurist. Reluctant futurist. Yeah yeah because a lot of futurists try and predict what's going to happen in like 50 years.
Yeah. And I think that's kind of a waste of time. So I focus on the near future. So like 20 years? No like five years. Okay. So how were you going like late 2019? Were you getting many predictions right? Yeah actually just not the one you're thinking of.
What happened in that time is the reason we've probably got South by Southwest here today. It's definitely the reason why Brisbane have got the Olympics Scotty. Yeah go Brisbane right?
Go Olympics too I mean you know. Oh you're an Olympics guy I didn't hear that. I love the Olympics.
Okay explain to me why that is. Apart from is it because you hold the same nostalgic memories as everyone in this room about when Sid, Ollie, and Lizzie were cutting around on billboards. That was not so good. No no that was not so good but that was the time that I was living here. Yeah okay. Yeah so I was in Atlanta for those Olympics. Yeah.
And then I didn't go to 2004 because my son was born literally during the Olympics so I couldn't go. But then I went to Beijing, I went to London, and I went to Rio. And then everything shut down so Tokyo was out.
Yeah. But we're going to Paris next year so. You're like an Olympics groupie. I sort of am. I watch your favorite event but we'll get back to what you do in futurism and stuff but what's your favorite event? Handball. Handball? Yeah. Yeah I can. It's like soccer with your hands it's the best. Or sorry football. European handball. Yeah. I also like the Paralympic version of that with the belt. That is talent. Yeah. To play that game without seeing the ball.
Some of those Paralympic ones are. Well they certainly try a lot harder.
Now I'd like to ask you non-obvious thinking. That is another one of these terms we're going to interrogate today. Yeah. Well I'll give you, I'll tie it all together right? I'll give you an Olympics example. Yep.
So Dick Fosbury was the first guy who did the high jump by running up to that bar turning around backwards and flopping over it. And the first time I heard that story I thought to myself what kind of guy sees everyone jump over a bar forwards and thinks to himself I got to run up to this thing, look strange, jump backwards, and literally flop over it. But he did it. He won the gold medal in 1968 and now every Olympian who wins that event does that flop.
So like that's non-obvious thinking. It's seeing what everyone else sees and thinking you know I could do it differently and better. What would you say looking around the city, not as damaged as some other cities post pandemic, but you know I'm glad that South by Southwest have decided to do this in Chinatown Haymarket where there's a little bit of edge. Heaven forbid they do it in the entertainment quarter or the fucking home bush or wherever you wherever you go to witness culture in the city. I thought Chinatown was a great decision. What would you say looking around the city? Bear in mind that probably five years before the pandemic we volunteered these things called lockout laws. We don't really have a nightlife in the city and I would say creatively it's probably like South by Southwest city is probably the biggest boost that they've had since poor Mac I think. That is my thinking. What would you say what do they need to do in this city in non-ordinary thinking? Well I think this is a start. I mean you mentioned several times the 32 country thing seems to be pretty impressive for people but like in 20 years I haven't had a chance to come here. Which is sort of a symbol of that right. So the fact that this has happened now and I'm able to come back here I mean it's great for me I'm really happy to be back here but it is a symbol of maybe that changing. Yeah. So would you say that maybe Sydney needs to return to a 24-hour economy where they allow young people to leave the house past midnight and perhaps see bands that wouldn't otherwise be noticed at 1am? Well you've obviously kind of got an agenda here but that's good but I can tell you like as an external person right who's looking at the research behind livable cities one of the one of the criteria they do look at is who is coming to this city and why are they coming to it. I think that's an aspect of it things being open and people being able to go out and so there is some actual besides what you or I might think there's some actual research behind it too. Yeah right because Sydney's been described as the pretty girl that didn't have to try you know what I mean like it's like you just arrive here you can't get a beer after 8pm. I don't know man that W Hotel looks like somebody's trying. Yeah they will yeah. What would Melbourne be?
Melbourne's the librarian that undoes her hair. Oh and she takes the glasses off you're like oh she's actually hot. Yeah she's hot yeah she's neat she's organized yeah and she doesn't mind 3am live comedy.
Anyway back to non-ordinary thinking. What's Brisbane? Brisbane's like the cousin that you're not meant to be attracted to. What other what in what other capacity would you apply this thinking? I feel like I've stepped into a family rivalry. Oh yeah well no that's just Sydney in fact there's people here from Melbourne there's people here from Sydney I'm sure they will have this debate at some point this weekend Melbourne is a second city over the years. You know one thing I do remember from from watching tv when I was living here was the amount of celebration that happened for sports that in America would be seen as as not worthy of putting on television like a high school volleyball team for example yeah winning a championship like that wouldn't be on tv in America because they're broadcasting like gun shootings and stuff like that yeah yeah yeah whereas here like we're celebrating all types of sports at all levels well yeah I mean it was interesting on the weekend we had basically this referendum result and channel 9 had about 40 minutes to cover that before we had to cross live to Samoa kangaroos came back for a little bit of a debrief for about 10 minutes and went to Pakistan India and the cricket so that's a big deal it's a big deal and you're right we effectively apart from cricket talking about domestic codes here Australia is very kind of they're not very south by southwest in theory we love watching Aussie rules which is a mutation of several other games that video game developers have given up trying to recreate anything changed since you lived here I mean a lot's changed with the city for sure and I imagine it's a reflection of people changing I mean I definitely see I do look around here and I see a lot more diversity than I think there was 20 years ago I mean I've had a lens of kind of I left in 20 2003 and now it's like literally 20 years later um so it's been a while since since I was here so I mean I see that I have a serious question yeah okay so I was reading I was reading through your uh your mega trends and I thought it was really interesting seeing that a lot of things seem to be uh centered on almost loneliness and people wanting a more human connection um what are your thoughts on that yeah I think it's true I think it's happening for all of us like we it's not a natural there is a lot of things that we experience as humans right now that are not naturally how we want to feel like nobody wants to wake up in the morning thinking what can I be outraged about today like that's not a good feeling right maybe some people because you know they built a media empire around it right but most people are like they don't want to feel negative about the world they want to feel positive they just don't know they don't know how to and and a lot of the algorithms are sort of making us feel that more and more so I do think we want to reconnect with people and you know just earlier today in this room we were doing a podcast recording we were talking about the future of boredom that was our topic boredom makes you be more creative like you're forced to but if you've got like instant gratification you're on the phone and I was also going to mention um I think there was something on your website about um like education like I imagine uh teachers at the moment probably having a hard time you know you've got 12 year olds you've already seen someone get beheaded on videos online they're not going to care about you know a science experiment how do you keep people interested now well that's that's still pretty active compared to some of the things that kids have to learn right predictions and forecasting and so like did you get any of this stuff right like the mega trends book you mentioned that came out in January of 2020 literally a book about the future two months before everything changed right imagine the timing of that but some of the things that I talked about in that book like one of the trends was something that I was already seeing happening which was light speed learning that's what I called it which is people wanting to learn things faster and one of it was one of the aspects of it was like online learning and then you get the pandemic where all of a sudden 100% of kids have to be online learning and so all of the things that were sort of on the fringe got a lot more sophisticated because they had to they had no choice right so it's interesting sometimes that like it's been accelerated at least yeah yeah I want to ask when things do change are people are experts taking that into account when they're looking at behavioral change for example I would say Queensland's currently plagued by a youth crime crisis believe what you want a bit about that I'm sure people would agree it's happening some some people would say it's a beat up but one thing people are forgetting is that there's a generation of kids who miss their school formals who probably were at home in households that they didn't want to be in with parents who weren't usually there but were also made to stay home and these are factors that are never discussed professionally at least on a kind of a media or a political level yeah well I mean part of what you can do is start to look at the people who are researching that generation or that time and what they're finding in terms of people's behavior because you're right like it really affected a lot of people like some people it was really negative because all of a sudden they didn't have all these social bonds you think about like kids who would have started maybe kindergarten at that time which is like anybody who's seen a kid at that age like that one year or two years is really specifically formulative for like how they turn out to be yeah and imagine that kid no longer being able to deal with other kids and being at home instead like that's a big moment in time versus someone who had like a year-long blip in their career where right like that's yeah I decided to have a kid or something like that you know just had a circuit breaker almost a lot of you know adults with a city income could have looked at that well everybody changed a little bit like it was funny I after the pandemic was sort of finishing and people were getting back out I had to get my clothes altered I happened to like lose some weight during the pandemic but I went to the tailor I know right but what he said is everyone's coming because everybody's either more fat than they were or less fat nobody's the same size yeah so like this guy was super busy yeah yeah so his business went through the roof because everybody had to get everything adjusted yeah the passport office were busy too though I mean there was a backlog that went down the street yeah I want to ask you about community with the rise of boredom or in fact the invalidation or the disappearing of boredom there's also the disappearing of community uh we noticed this when it comes to uh certain things I wouldn't say necessarily something like the referendum on the weekend but certainly leading into an election we really struggled to figure to take a gauge on the population that is because once upon a time you'd go to a church and find out how the Catholics were going you'd find out how the marinettes were going and you'd find all these discussions that were happening in public forums you'd go to the Hellenic club you'd go to the Rotary club you'd find all these old men playing cards and you'd find out how people are feeling and what they're talking about I think even we're at a point now where grassroots sport might be dwindling you know what I mean a community sport certainly where does this come in and I know some people will say well that's what whatsapp's for that's what social media is for but I feel like that's not what it's for no that's kind of not what it's become right now right so I mean I think there's a few things one is anyone who is a little bit older when you say the word community what they think is people gathering together in person whereas if you talk to somebody who's a little bit younger they say well I have an online community of people who are interested in the same thing I'm interested in and they happen to live in Egypt or somewhere else but they're still my community even though I've never met them in person maybe I don't even know what they look like yeah but I still get community from them because they're interested in what I'm interested in so part of it is like where because humans need community but a lot of times the generational difference between what we think community actually means is hard to get past I mean it is in a sense that a community would suggest that someone knows that someone in your family's died and they're dropping off a meal on your front doorstep you're not getting that from your world of war craft friend in Egypt I mean not usually but the thing is people talk about really deep things with online friends and anyone can order a delivery of flowers or food or whatever I mean it's not the same you're right but it's also not insignificant these online connections people have do you think there would be people that would have otherwise before the invention of the internet had no one now have people I think behaviors are changing I don't think that most people would be happy having no one but there's really interesting trends that are manifesting in different ways like in some cultures for example you just you don't eat alone so there's entire trends of people with like these mukbang videos where like you can watch a video of someone eating so that you're not eating alone because you're eating with someone else who's eating something different from somewhere else right which some people might think about that and be like that's really weird other people might be like well you at least you're not eating alone like there's a real person there I mean I need rain noises to sleep I need videos of people eating food to eat you know there's all kinds of videos in terms of business and innovation that's another word I want to interrogate innovation what is that to you I think it's trying to come up with new ways of doing things that solve problems we're trying to keep it not complicated disruption what does that mean it means changing there's no ill will in that word it could be I mean industries get disrupted right which is a sometimes a thing where you see how everyone is doing something and you're the startup who's like that's wrong we need to I mean I own a book publishing company with my wife and we're disrupting publishing because we're doing things totally different from traditional publishers and we're happy with that as a way of describing what we do do you think there has been a correction in that world like I mean startup for one we didn't hear that word until probably 10 years ago was the earliest rumblings you heard of that word startup tech startup was a big one and we saw success stories we saw Uber we saw you know we saw all kinds of stuff but do you think there was a point where people would just well these investors were just throwing money at suave charming young men wearing they still do well think about the yeah they still do yeah and the reason why is because the metric is totally it's totally messed up but it's understandable if you understand how the model works right so everyone's trying to make money so you could go to a company that is losing money every single day and invest millions of dollars maybe tens of millions of dollars in them if you think a richer company will at some point come along and buy them for the people or for the audience they've built and they could lose money for 10 years consistently and then get purchased by google and you just made money right so musical chairs in a yeah in a way so at the end of the day like is that a wrong-headed model for the person who gave the money 10 years ago to be like okay i'm going to sit on this thing for 10 years and then sell to google for billions of dollars and make my money and i look smart even though they invested in something that quantifiably failed for a decade right lost money every single year fired people lost livelihoods and yet they still come out ahead like that's what happens right now like that's reality that's not me making something up that's how it works yeah well in your reluctant futurist five to ten year uh kind of uh net that you cast what has you most excited well i am very excited by immersive entertainment yep uh that's one of the that's actually i think the first chapter of the new book the future normal like it's got 30 trends and the first one is immersive entertainment and the reason why is because i think that there's so many situations where you're seeing the technology like many of you probably saw the opening of the sphere in las vegas or like the abba show in london i mean there's all these examples where you're not just sitting in a theater seat or putting on your headphones and listening to this thing passively you're interacting in some way and it all started with two back at coachella am i right just maybe for you maybe for other people started with something else right but but the point is like we want to live inside these stories so future normal is uh your book not so much what has you excited but what would you like to put out there and and and pitch is something that we're going to be seeing in the next uh little while i think there's i mean what sector you want to go into like that we had a chapter about psychedelic wellness and it was talking about the research behind psychedelics to be curative so yeah how psychedelics could be taken in a certain situation and cure depression or cure ptsd and that's what some of the early research is showing that's really fascinating green spaces uh waste-free packaging i mean we talk about like all these really cool innovations that are coming like weather modification which is like a possible good possible not so good uh so there's a lot of really interesting future technologies that and this is where my reluctant futurist and five-year time horizon come into it right because i wrote about the book about the future with my co-author henry but every one of those chapters is showcasing people who are doing something right now so this is not science fiction where someone might invent the flying car like that's already here right i think they have a a demo of that like even here so these things that felt like they were super far off are actually now already being experimented and already happening now are we in safe hands who are the villains who's like who's going to turn on us and become like a evil tiny start um who would you say uh well what industries are we at risk from i think that there are many uh innovators who are not paying attention to the ethical misuses or potential misuses of what they create um and so they have this mentality that like we're going to put this thing out there and people are going to use it for good stuff and that never turns out to be the case uh especially deep fakes i feel like that's been used for very bad things yeah yeah well you've given us a lot to think about today how long are you sticking around uh i'll be here through thursday and i've got a featured session tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock all right that'll be some of these trends if you want more trends like they'll be in that session too yeah i know we definitely steered you towards our preferred uh topics of trends but uh we look forward to seeing more from you and thank you for joining us thank you for having me this is great |
dropout | if_things_turned_out_differently | Sorry I'm late, bro. There were so many PT cruisers out there, I couldn't even find a place to park my segue. Toss me a Zima, bro. All out, bro. We got Surge, Newco, Coke 2, and Crystal Pepsi. XFL playoffs are on. Turn it up, bro. Oh, it's the Orlando Range versus the Las Vegas Outlaws.
That was number one! That's my boy!
There's no Ryan Leaf. We interrupt this broadcast of the XFL to bring you a tragic message. President Howard Dean has succumbed to the avian bird flu. The ordeal occurred after the President's diplomatic tour of China and other yellow- I hate how they scheduled Joey at the same time as Studio 60.
They're both so fucking good. Really? Yeah. I kind of feel like Joey fell off after the 13th season. Yeah, well, not everything can be as good as Magic Johnson on the Magic Hour. Puffing a laserdisc, bro. Yeah. Why laserdisc when you could Betamax, Waterworld, or Phantom Menace?
Hey! It's good to see you! Hey Chris, these are my friends Todd and Allison. We all met on Friendster. Who hasn't these days? Let's get this party started!
You got anything good on your Zune? Word. I just got a shitload of new albums off of Pain Abster.
Jamiroquai, Connor Clapton, Reuben Stoddard, O-Town. O-Town? Yeah, I just took Chris' mom to O-Town last night.
You take that back, man. You know I lost her in the Y2K bug. Man, I'm sorry. We're orphans too.
Oh, really? How did you- Sars. Cell phone brain damage. Reuben Stoddard. This morning.
I'm so sorry. It's okay. No, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I should have told you earlier, but I was followed here by a swarm of Africanized killer bees. Well, we can all escape on the information superhighway. Can you believe that we actually thought that the internet was gonna be huge? |
TheOnion | pop_pilgrims_philadelphia_the_rocky_stairs | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
Today we're at the Philadelphia Museum of Art at the foot of what some call the Rocky Steps, as seen in the Oscar-winning 1976 film Rocky. In one of the film's most famous scenes, Rocky, played by Sylvester Stallone, who wrote the film, runs up the steps as part of his training for the big fight. Thirty-five years after Rocky was released in theaters, people still recreate that moment on these steps. Pulitzer Prize-winning Philadelphia Enquirer writer Michael Vitez chronicled people making their own pop pilgrimages to these steps in his 2006 book, Rocky Stories.
Why do people do this? Basically, the movie and the actor bring them here, but they're really coming to celebrate their own dreams, their own triumphs. They're either coming for motivation because of something they want to accomplish in life, or they're coming to celebrate the thing that they've already accomplished. Stallone, those guys, when they did the movie, they had no idea that this would be the iconic scene. This is the essence of Rocky, the running of these steps and the celebration of the time. Stallone, who wrote the movie and acted in it, and Bill Conte who did the music, they've had untold fortunes and fame, but there's something really powerful about creating something that people still do and recreate over 30 years later. It's very moving to them. Stallone wrote the forward to the book, and he has a very good comment about why people do this.
He says you can't get the laser sword, the Jedi laser sword, you can't get Superman's cape, but you can come here, you can run, you can have a piece of the Rocky pie. That's his own quote. He got it.
How does the museum feel about this? Museum is now in perfect harmony. They have found peace with it. There's a long interesting history about the statue and whether it should be at the top of the steps, and I personally never believed that you needed the statue at the top.
I sort of think that as long as people run, they're a living tribute to the story and the message, and when they stop, well maybe that's time for, it's the end anyway. We're pausing because we've got literally four tour buses pulling up, beeping with, look, it's gonna happen right now. Are we on, do we, sometimes it's kids, yeah the kids, go, go, go. It's raining runners. This is, now, you said it comes and goes in waves and it really is. It is like the ocean, baby. I would say that every hour of every day in all weather, people come from all over the world and run these steps and Rocky at the top, just like Sylvester Stallone did. It's an incredibly organic thing that just happened, and it goes on and it goes on and it goes on. It's an amazing thing, and this is a place unlike anywhere else in America, not really anywhere else in the world, where you can take a movie scene and you can bring it to life.
Thank you so much. Hey, I enjoyed it. I always love it. Thank you very much. Stay away. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_goldeneye_then_now | This episode of Leap Loop is brought to you by Stride 2.0, the ridiculously long-lasting gum. Now upgraded to 2.0, we're going to be playing the upgraded version of Goldeneye for the Wii and the classic for Nintendo 64. I'm Jeff Rubin here with John Gavris, Dan Kline, and Patrick Cassels. Let's start with the new Goldeneye 007 for the Wii. Let's go facility because then we can do it in the other games. The original Goldeneye became, for like dudes our age, Billiards.
When you went over to someone's house, it's like, what house rules here? It's like, oh, you never do slappers. We would drink brandy and do it in Oak Room and talk about stocks.
I love that Goldeneye is probably the least popular movie, but the title that any man between the ages of 16 and 30 at this point would know. Yeah, if you say Goldeneye, that person would be, oh yeah, Pierce Brosnan, Sean Bean, I remember that.
So, Aja for grenades, he throws his hat. Check it out. No. Joss throws his teeth. Really? No, that would be awesome.
All right, accolade time, but check it out. Here's where we see what really happened. Professional highest elimination to death ratio, that's an accolade that feels really good to get. Yeah, sure. I couldn't even let you finish that sentence, I was already like, oh yeah, it's so annoying. You're that kid. Now, guys, let's admit, my accolade was pretty good.
We're at Jeff's house and he just has like the coolest toys in the U-Hoo, so we have to do this stuff. Now, can we agree this is a facility, green tile on the floors. Now it's been a while since I played this game, but I just remembered that I could open the doors because I've been in the same room for about 20 minutes at this point.
Old GoldenEye versus new, what do you guys think? You know, it's got like a good like aesthetic to it. The fonts are nice. Hey, did you play that game? Yeah, it's pretty good. How do the fonts hold up?
You're the kid who like no one wants to have in GameStop. Are they still using car you're new in that game? Everyone's like, get out of here.
Yeah, we used to have Dave and that would be like, hey, let's play Stack with grenade launchers. And it took us a while to catch on that he was the guy who was just like staying up on where the bot in between the body armor and more grenades and just like everybody with grenades. I think Dave remembers that he did that his perspective on it like, yeah, we used to just get together and play or I had the guys I think I make them pick stack and grenade.
12 years old, at least to rip off my friends like good times in the lunch room in the back of the kinkos last week telling the story. So there I am. There's people you think about. How did you play with everyone had the group of friends? People I remember, like I remember my friend and we called B Nuts and he was incredible at GoldenEye. And I remember there was this friend of a friend who was really good at GoldenEye and once only once they were in the same place at the same time. Oh, that when that happened to most after one mostly when there's the Venn diagram of my friends and then we sit out on a railroad to watch and also to not be just meat for you guys to get kills on my crew is going to sound extremely weird with me, my friend Carmelo.
His cousin, John and Carmelo's father. Me Hogan, Sanford and JP for us to play all the time.
Michael bought it one day. JP beat him at it five times in a row. Mike was this crazy rich kid, took it outside with a hammer and smashed it. The day he bought it. Remember when they said 64 games were like $65. Yeah, they're really expensive. He took it outside. And you were a kid who had no income. He took it outside. He was a rich, spoiled kid. He took it outside and smashed it with a hammer because JP beat him so many times. I remember my friend Adam, who I'm still friends with to this day, he had NBA Jam and he like got through the whole season and like in the championship series because you guys know how NBA Jam is.
It'll, it'll cheap you bad. Yeah. It doesn't matter how much you win. Yeah.
It's like he went through the whole season. He lost the championship series. Rips the game out of the Genesis without turning it on, goes over to his father's exercise equipment lifts up like the weights. What's the game in there? It just keeps dropping the weights.
It's some sick, hostile like situation. I got most dishonorable last game. I got most cowardly this game. I got most frantic because they knew I got a lot of stuff going on at home. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_170_Bridie_Jabour | We uh, you know, we send our condolences down south. The majority of the country remains in lockdown.
It wasn't a race. It's never been a race. Yeah. I guess it was a race to close borders and that's about all we've been racing for.
But you know, the show goes on Queensland, you know, the North rises in the ashes. There's an Olympics coming to Brisbane that no one kind of passed through like a ripple in the ocean. But that's pretty good news. You still go to the pub in all of Queensland and uh, yeah, Diamantina Shire is alright.
We did get rocked by one. Grey Nomad came through with a cough. Errol editor at large of the Batooter Advocate was exposed to that.
So he's a close contact. He's at home. He's not here today. Today with me is um, a prominent Australian writer, author, memoirist, journalist who's just released a book and we're going to be talking about that and more.
I'd like to welcome to the show the Jacaranda Queen, Bridie Jaybor. Thank you for joining us. What a pleasure to be here in your beautiful part of the world.
Now I said that right, Jaybor. That's the pronunciation of your last name. You've said it wrong both ways. It's Jaybar in Grafton, in Grafton, but the original pronunciation, the Lebanese pronunciation and the one that I use now is Jabor. But I respond to Bridie Jaybor all the time when I'm back home. And you probably spent most of your life just thinking that was your name or, or your older old man kind of told you that, no, they're saying our name wrong. No, we, I knew from a very young age, actually everyone in my family, most of them go by Jaybor, but my aunt, my dad's one of six and my, his younger sister went by Jabor. So we knew that Jabor was the proper pronunciation, but we didn't mind that it was Jaybar. My grandfather who was Lebanese would say Jaybar.
Everyone was fine with the fact that it had been anglicized when my great grandparents landed in Australia and my grandfather kept it anglicized as well. But it was funny how it happened. I was Bridie Jaybor for 18 years and then I left home and went to the Gold Coast and someone asked me my name and I thought, and I said, it's Bridie Jabbor and thought it was, I think a little bit funny to use the original or I was just testing it out using the actual pronunciation. But of course it stuck because you tell someone what your name is, they believe you what your name is. And so I've been Bridie Jabbor ever since and for many, many years now, it was very funny at my wedding because my, my wedding was in Grafton and it was a real collision of my worlds. And there was my whole big extended family, plus all my high school mates who knew me as Bridie Jabbor. And then, you know, my media colleagues, my guardian colleagues, everyone that I've ever met since leaving Grafton or they're in one room and the celebrant was an old friend of my dad's and he knew Jabbor was the proper pronunciation, but Jabbor is what we used. And he's, and I told him to use Jabbor because, you know, that's the name I arrived with. Yeah, I'm back home in Grafton, I'm Bridie Jabbor. And then he said it and I could hear the ripples through the congregation, like all these whispers. And afterwards there was so many people from the Guardian who asked me if they'd been saying my name wrong for years.
She's polite. She didn't let us know.
Now tell me, was there drums at your wedding or you don't have a Lebanese drumming band on hand in the mid north coast? No, no, no. We did not have, not only do we not have a Lebanese drumming band on hand, there are not many people, if any people on that side of my family with much of a musical note.
Okay. All right.
So it was no Salim Mahajah wedding? No, no, nothing like that.
Oh, the size of it, maybe there were a lot of people there. My family's huge, but no other comparisons, no. So how does a, I mean, we were just speaking before about this virus and it sounds like you've got a lot of family who are, I guess, health workers, emergency frontline workers, nurses.
My mom is still a full-time nurse. My sister has just become an emergency nurse. My brother is an ICU nurse in Sydney as we speak, treating, he's at work treating COVID patients.
He texted me this morning about it. Did they vaccinate him? Yeah, he got, but you know what, felt it was a little bit late. He treated people, COVID patients on ventilators last year. So he was unvaccinated last year in the first wave. That was obviously pretty stressful for my family. And then when the vaccinations came, they didn't really get to him till April. And I kind of thought, is he not the most front of the frontline workers? Like, why is this kid not vaccinated?
Even at the beginning, it felt there were signs, I think that it was a bit slower than it should be. Yes. I think everyone's kind of feeling that at the moment, maybe. It's not a race, but we've definitely lost. Yeah. If it was a race, we have come last in the OECD.
Now how does from everything you've just described here, you know, kind of multicultural upbringing, Irish mother, Lebanese father, Grafton, predominantly, you know, everyone's heading towards working as nurses or working as frontline workers. How did you pick up a pen? What led you there? What led you to this career now where you've had a couple of books published?
Well, it's pretty, it's pretty cliched, but I read a lot as a kid, which I think anyone who was in this industry says, yeah, I was a big bookworm. So were lots and lots of people. I used to get in trouble, actually, at like 1am, my dad would be, or before then dad would be leaving for night shift and he would find me reading and I would get in trouble. So there was that. But there was also, I think, more than that, there was, you know, I've always loved people, always been hugely curious about people, love talking to them, love stories was, and I think that that has played a bigger part in me becoming a journalist than me being a voracious reader when I was young. And, but I wasn't on track at all to be a journalist, actually. You know, when I was a teenager in Grafton, that world seemed very, very far away. And that was 2005, 2004, even then they were saying the media was in the death throes since, what, like 15 years ago. Well, the death of print, that kind of thing.
And also, it was just said over and over again, it's really hard to become a journalist. Like we thought it was hard 15 years ago, it is near impossible now. But so I just thought, oh, it's too difficult. I don't have, I don't have the connections, really, like, I didn't know how to do it.
And then when a few months before I finished school, when I was 18, I went in, I went to pick my siblings up, I was on break between, I think, trial HSE and real HSE. And the principal had left forms on the desk with the office ladies for a scholarship to Bond University. And it was a scholarship that, a journalism scholarship that came with a cadetship at the Gold Coast Bulletin. And the office lady said, Mr. Crooks, I still remember him, he changed my life in that way, has left this out for you.
So I thought, oh, yeah, I'll apply. And I was applying for everything. I also got shortlisted for an economic scholarship at the University of Sydney. So my life could have been completely different. But I got this scholarship and it was the only journalism thing I applied for. I didn't apply for that degree in any other way. And it was because it came with the job, the cadetship, and it was earning money, which was awesome. And yeah, I went through the interview process, it was apparently pretty competitive and got it. And then that was it for me.
I've only ever heard of two people ever on scholarship at Bond University. One of them is a good friend of yours in the shape of Rick Morton. Yes. Did you, and also he said he opted for Bond as well as a budding writer because of that cadetship with the Gold Coast Bulletin. There's no way either of us would have gone to Bond without that scholarship cadetship.
Yeah, right. So it was a bit different for you because actually that's an ideal kind of university to attend Grafton to the Goldie. You can kind of, you're not too far from home. Oh, it was still, it's way closer now because the highway's finally been upgraded, but that was still in the heady days of Premier Bob Carr not upgrading any infrastructure for a decade. So it was three hours, I think, might as well have been 15 hours at some points. Yeah. Back, I mean, it's a bit further north, but back in the days when that highway used to go through, you know, towns like Wilgoolga, you know, you used to, you used to like, everything's been bypassed now. That bypass is super recent. Yeah. So when it went through Ballina, it doesn't go through Ballina anymore. Yeah. It went through Wilgoolga. The Kempsey Bridge. It doesn't yet. That was, that was a great little car park on the way up the coast and down the coast. And it doesn't even go through Grafton anymore. Yeah, right. It even bypasses Grafton. So it was three hours away. So I think I was, Rick was closer to Boona than I was to Grafton. Yeah.
But, you know, from the minute I left home, I was like paying all my rent and all that kind of thing. And so the money was very handy.
Who was the other person you heard who went to scholarship? It was you two. That's you two.
That's all I know of. And everyone else that you kind of hear about that went to Bond certainly weren't studying journalism either.
So what was it like there? What was the feeling? Did it feel like you were in the spaceship at Bond?
It's like, it's not a sandstone university. It's more like a, you know, a very modern kind of a Gold Coast. It almost feels like a private school.
With hindsight, yes, but I didn't know that at the time. I really enjoyed it. I really liked my teachers, but it is the first time I encountered proper wealth, like real wealth, not just kids of lawyers and doctors, although there are a lot of kids of lawyers and doctors. I became friends with people who were heirs to multi multi multi million dollar fortunes. It was almost another planet in some ways, their lives and how they lived compared, especially I think it's one of the, well, it's very obvious that it's one of the reasons Rick and I became so close, you know, obviously fellow travelers in attitudes and interests and all that. But also we were a very, very small minority of not well off people at that university.
Local scrappers.
Although he approached it differently. He was really funny. He writes in his book about how he went out to sushi and he'd never used chopsticks before and went out to Japanese with Bond and all the Bond kids, of course, knew how to use chopsticks and he was so paralyzed that he just didn't eat. Whereas I had a similar experience, except I just asked the waiter for a fork and didn't care. Yeah, it's either the fork or the stabbing technique.
Yeah, exactly. And so I want to, I mean, you did, you've done a lot of writing, you spent a bit of time at Brisbane, Brisbane Times. What was the setup there? Was that your average share house in and out of the parliament kind of reporting? Yeah, well, I was in parliament for a little bit.
I was working for Brisbane Times, so it was news websites. So I never worked for a newspaper again after I left the bully. I've been in online news ever since.
And I actually lived with my sister up there. My sister and I moved in together sharing a, like half a house, you know, there's Queenslanders split down the middle. And so the floorboards are still shared. So someone walking in their house in inverted commas next door, you can hear in your house like they're walking in your house. And everyone uses the same, the same stairs into the house. There's just two doors at the front. Exactly, exactly. And it had been split very lazily that way. And then I lived, and then my sister moved to Sydney, she's my little sister. And I lived with another journo there for a while and her husband in the same house.
Yeah, right. And so what kind of lessons did you learn about the media? I mean, you said you went to university and everyone was talking about the death rattle of journalism. And then all of a sudden you find yourself in probably the most journalist job you could get working in parliament and living in a massive city. You know, I've never ever felt like I was more at the centre of the world and the centre of everything happening than I felt at the Gold Coast Bulletin. Yeah, right. That newspaper was the place where I came in just towards the end of the massive Gold Coast property boom that drove, like it was a massive newspaper. It was the Gold Coast Bulletin was known as the cash cow of News Corp. There was plenty of money in the first couple of years I was there, then it began to All the footy teams, franchises were developing. Yeah, so I was there when the Titans launched, newspaper felt so vital and so important. And we felt like it really mattered what we were putting out each day and that everyone was reading it. And so that was actually the place that I felt most centre of the world. And I learned heaps about journalism there. I had to do, you know, you're really throwing the deep end in there.
I went, saw my first dead body, I saw a few dead bodies by the time I'd left. I went to fatal car accidents. I did death knocks.
And I was only a teenager. I was 18, 19 myself.
So yeah, so I did, did all that kind of stuff and felt very much I was throwing the deep end there. But it was very, very formative. And I felt like I feel like my formative years and what I learned a lot about journalism was learned at the Gold Coast Bully. And there were a lot of senior people there who was so experienced and who taught me so much as well.
And then when I got to the Brisbane Times, because it was almost it almost had like a startup field because it was a news website. Fairfax is going online. Yeah, exactly.
But I, I don't think I've ever worked with such a concentration of raw talent is what I did there. We were all like really, really young and, and it just pretty much been given our first or second jobs out of journalism. Connell Hanna was the editor and he's a super, super smart man who not in journalism anymore, which is a shame.
So both of those, actually, I felt sent out of the world. And when I was going to Queensland Parliament, Anna Bly was Premier. I covered her election loss. I was there when Campbell Newman came in so that it felt like the eyes of Australia were on us then as well.
You just missed the floods. Yeah, I was on the Gold Coast when the floods happened and my sister was living in Brisbane. Yeah. So the goal, it didn't flood on the Gold Coast at all, but it was on our doorstep. But you were there for the rebuild in Brisbane.
Can you tell us, I mean, obviously we have a very different experience with only ever as far as our newspapers kind of nationwide appeal, it's always been online. Tell us about when you felt those endorphins charging in your brain when you dropped something on to the internet that went viral. And what was it the first time you realised, oh, a lot of people are reading my shit right now. I think the first thing I ever had that went viral was a story about a man being asked to move on a Virgin plane away from unaccompanied minors. Oh, that'll get them going. Yeah, and it causes like the big national debate and people read it out on the breakfast shows. Yeah, because I felt a little bit removed from that as well. But I think the first time that I had something go properly viral and I did feel at the centre of it and felt like I was being watched and paid a lot of attention to was in 2013 when I was at a press conference.
Tony Abbott was the opposition leader and he told me to calm down. Oh, right. Have you seen this? No, I haven't. It went, it's still online and it was covered in newspapers, it was covered online. They went properly viral because it was seen as an example of his misogyny because I kept asking him questions and then he said calm down and yeah, ran on all the news stations. It was all over Twitter, like it was like, and yeah, and then I was even like in the print edition of the Daily Telly. Yeah, right.
How does your family feel about you becoming a, I guess, a public figure or at least someone who's part of, you know, the media and then, you know, that sounds like a lot of people were running into support you in that scenario. But you do kind of find yourself in the crosshairs as a journalist in this country right now, particularly working at The Guardian, like nowadays, how did you, or they always had faith that you can kind of brush it off. Well, I didn't get heaps of support then I did from work and stuff, but Andrew Bolt actually ran a column about me that said all these trolls on me and my 19 year old sister at the time got attacked because of it and got told by random people on Twitter that she should be raped with a whiskey bottle, be my sister. So that was also the time that I came under the most fire. But my, you know, my family definitely doesn't think of me as a public figure and they're proud. But they're always, my mum is always like so stoked when I'm on television. But and I think they must, they must be proud in some ways. But I also get made fun of a lot, particularly by the, you know, my siblings that are nurses doing real work.
You know, my brother will be like, I'm off to my real job now, have fun on the computer. See ya.
When did you realise you had a book in you? When I was reading a writing book called Bird by Bird and which is a very famous book of advice on how to write, I think that I thought since I was a teenager that I would write a book one day and I just didn't know what it would be about. I was reading this book Bird by Bird and in it she had this line saying, you can write the first draft as if no one's going to read it because you do not have to show anyone this. And this big switch flicked in my head where I thought, I remember I thought specifically, I can write something that my parents aren't necessarily going to read. And it was hugely freeing for me to write the first draft. And I put the book down like halfway through the chapter, walked downstairs in the place that I was living at at the time in Annandale and opened the computer and started writing. And that was my first novel.
Really? Yeah, that's how it started. And once I started, I just kept going. In that novel, are we talking about the way things should be? Yes.
You gave a voice to, I guess, at that time, it was a bit of a media cliche, the millennial and your new book actually is showing the end of that era. But the millennial was a kind of entitled avocado, yada yada, smash dab kind of, I guess, archetype that existed in the Australian media in the conversation.
It still does. Still does, still does to an agree.
It's even more humiliating for young people now, I guess, that they're kind of getting a bit older. And they still think that we're young and millennials are turning 40 and they're still going on with those tropes. But you gave a voice to, I guess, that generation or at least, you know, a certain demographic within that generation about the pressures, you know, you know, sure, we're not getting conscripted for Vietnam, but we do have the same. Not the boomers, really. No, no, that was the silent generation. But, you know, there are the same pressures and the same life.
Do you want to tell us a little bit about that book? I mean, I eventually want to get to your most recent book, but tell us a little bit about that and how that resonated, which it did.
Well, I thought it was received as a millennial book for sure. And I was 29 when it was published and I wrote it mostly when I was about 27. And so certainly it was received as a millennial voice.
But I really thought that I was just writing a family drama and that's what I wanted to get into. And I think of that book really as a love letter to my siblings. It has, I'm the oldest of four, I have a brother and two sisters.
And that was the same makeup as the characters in the book, even though the characters in the book are far more awful than my siblings. And I also really enjoyed, I didn't want to write likeable characters. I never really enjoy likeable characters. So I really enjoyed writing it as, you know, people who were difficult to like. But who had their own inner turmoils going on while also trying to relate to each other.
So that's what I was thinking of when I was writing it. And it was also, well, it was meant to be a twist on the classic wedding book as well. But yeah, it was certainly received as a millennial voice book at the time, because I guess it was just when millennials were starting to publish books when that came out.
When I compare you to Rick Morton, you know, another great author that we've had on this podcast before and, you know, one of the Diamantina Shire's favorite sons. When I compare you to Rick, it's interesting, obviously, similar age, similar story, similar education, scholarship to Bond. But Rick kind of has this yarn where he's, you know, he's got this generations on the land, you know, probably can't even follow that family tree back.
You, despite being a small town kid, have, you know, a multicultural Australian upbringing, Lebanese father, your mother's from the free state of Derry, and now you've you're married to a, you know, Ingham Italian. What do you kind of find between these tropes in the rural divide and the city? Because you've lived what many would say is a life that I know you only get that in the suburbs. You only get that kind of, you know, the multiculturalism, the migrant communities.
It's funny you say that and bring that up, because I found when I moved to Sydney, I was really surprised at how segregated I found it. And how white I found certainly the parts that I was hanging around. Told to visit. And the industry I was hanging around in, obviously, as well. And I was I'd always thought of Sydney as a lot more diverse than that. And it absolutely is. But, yeah, I felt quite segregated. There are definitely pockets that are really wide. And that wasn't like the way that I grew up. I did not feel like it's certainly a lot of white people where I grew up, but it also felt a lot more mixed as well. And like we weren't all separated.
Not on clavey. It's not on clavey. No, it wasn't on clavey at all growing up in Grafton.
It's interesting, someone like you, Brydie or, you know, someone like Rick or plenty of other kind of writers or journalists in Australia that kind of come from your average town. I know Rick doesn't. Rick comes from the outback originally. But you come from the average town.
And in this current media climate, your upbringing in Grafton is viewed as some sort of unique experience that we need to bridge the gap between detachment. Because, you know, we do have, obviously, a media class and a political class where, you know, we've got people like Angus Taylor moving to Goulburn six months before he gets elected there, you know, inner city boy through and through. And there is an issue with how people communicate, be that media or politicians with the bush or with regional towns.
I imagine that's never been something you've considered. And how do you deal with that kind of, you know, those reality checks that for whatever reason you provide?
You know, what's funny to me in Sydney, particularly because the Gold Coast and Brisbane, when I worked in media, they were always very well aware of the world outside of them and the country outside of them. But when I moved to Sydney, it's so funny to me that when they talk about getting out of the inner city mindset and the Sydney mindset, so often they bring up Western Sydney and they say, we need more Western Sydney perspective or Western Sydney is the forgotten people, certainly under covered, certainly worthy of more stories and having their stories told, but mate, Australia doesn't end at Western Sydney. Like whenever people say that kind of thing, I think, you know, and there's also communities further than Western Sydney as well. Like I think, and I don't think that that's a perspective that comes from Western Sydney. It's the perspective that comes from inner city media when they're thinking that they should diversify or when they're being accused of being too insular, it's yeah, it's Western Sydney that they look to. And I just think that you could be looking so much more further than that.
Oh, to hell with go even. Yeah. You know, you know, just West of Sydney, every single town's major employer is a prison.
The thing that Rick said, uh, when he was, I guess, deep within the, um, news court machine was that he realized the detachment when we were talking about the GP co payment during that psycho 2014 budget, the razor budget, uh, with hockey and, and Abbott. And he said, he was trying to explain to his editors that that $7 co payment was going to mean a lot of people didn't see the doctor and that they had no, they had no fat to cut from their budget. People that don't smoke, don't drink, don't gamble. That was going to cost them. And they refuse to believe him. They thought he was making it up. Have you, have you had a few moments where you're like, well, actually some of these people around me aren't in the real world. Occasionally, mainly when talking about schooling, but it's interesting that that word that that's Rick's specific experience and the thing that he remembers because I was in the budget lockup with the guardian that night when GP co payment was one of the things that I think it had been leaked beforehand, but it was confirmed that night.
But I was in there with a very small guardian team as we realized the extent of the cuts in that budget and how brutal it was. It was also planning to cut people off the doll after six months doing just these horrendous things and lifters, not laners, lifters, not leaners, and it took a little while for the media in general to cotton on to how harsh that budget was. There was certainly, it was covered broadly as a harsh budget, but sort of along that lift Alina line. And then after a couple of a week or a couple of weeks, people began to realize how harsh, except for Lenore Taylor, who was the political editor of the Guardian at the time.
She's now my boss. And I'm not just sucking up though, cause she won't listen to this, but she was pretty much the first press gallery journalist to write out straight from the bat that night.
This budget is terrible. Like this is a terrible, cruel budget.
And she was one of the first gallery journalists to call that out. So certainly at the Guardian, I haven't really had to play that role at all, because the Guardian is something that understands or tries very hard to understand disadvantage in different sectors of our society. And yeah, so, and that's why I've probably had a lot better time at work in the past few years than Rick did when he was working at the U.S. We couldn't have been in more different workplaces at those points. I guess, working in the Guardian, you would have a, as you just pointed out, you'd have a whiteboard with a lot of things up top that would be at the bottom at other newspapers, namely housing, climate change, you know.
Immigration. Yeah, immigration. A lot of those- Indigenous affairs too. Indigenous affairs and, you know, a lot of issues that, you know, some can write off as you just lefty, you know, in a city, lefty whinge.
But at the same time are urgent. Do you think your time working at the Guardian as the bearer of bad news for a lot of people, the bearer of bad news that just wouldn't get covered anywhere else, has informed your new book, which is about, basically is about the millennial, I'm going to say this, existential crisis? You said that perfectly. You know, I had never thought of that, but you make a really good point. And I think certainly being tit steep in the worst news there is to deliver each day and some very dreadful news, particularly when it comes to climate change and also for me, like poverty is another thing that we cover a lot and I am very moved by, you know, that's certainly probably contributed, although I hadn't put those two things together until now that having to be in that daily news cycle probably does make me a bit more cynical than most people. But I guess I've been in that daily, I've lived in the daily news cycle my entire adult life, actually. So I guess I don't know any different either. Can we, can we go into that book now? You've just, you've just published it. It's called Trivial Grievances. This is a kind of look at, as we said, the end of adolescence for millennials and all the things that, all of the hurdles that millennials are now facing, that they've seen their parents face under very different circumstances.
Yes. Yeah.
So it's, it's basically, it's a book about going through an existential crisis essentially, but the existential crisis for many millennials in their early thirties is happening in really different circumstances to generations before us doesn't necessarily make it more difficult or harder. And I don't say that millennials that have it hard, although, oh my God, every single ABC radio host I've talked to has definitely tried to get me to say that. But yeah, but it ended up at the beginning, I thought it was going to be a book about, you know, general misery that people in their early thirties seem to be hitting about their life, not turning out the way that they thought that markers of adulthood, stable job, housing, marriage, children are more out of reach for a lot of people than it's pre for more people than have previously felt. And I think certainly most of us looking to our parents, although not in my case, but I know broadly, people's parents usually owned houses by this age. They were usually married and they had their families and they were in very stable long-term jobs and that just all of those things, apart from maybe marriage, quite difficult for our generation. So I thought the book was going to be about that. It turned out into a much broader book about having an existential crisis the big questions of life and what, how to get out of it, how to get out of that malaise and misery, but also making the point that it's not such a bad thing to hit that phase of your life either. And you probably will hit it more than once too.
Yeah, and it's, and it's a bit more than a quarter life crisis as well. Yeah, we're a bit old. We're a bit too old for the quarter life crisis. The quarter life crisis is just a shaved head. Exactly. Yeah, we're a bit old for the quarter life crisis, but it's still hitting.
It was actually, that was weird. When I first noticed that with myself and with a few mates, I only wrote it as like a summer light life piece, you know, it's summer between Christmas and New Year's. There's no real news. So you write these like pieces about life. They can run at any time. Aren't tied to the news cycle. I just wrote it as one of those. And that genuinely we have fewer readers around that time of year. And I... So this was, this was for the newspaper, for the Guardian. Yeah, yeah.
It started out as an opinion piece about that people in their thirties are really miserable at the moment. Millennials in their thirties are really miserable.
And I, I wrote it and it launched on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. Didn't think about it really. Went to bed, woke up the next day, more than 600,000 reads around the world.
Wow. It was nuts. Yeah.
That's when I knew I was on to something. That was the warm hug I was talking about earlier, which unfortunately first came to you in the shape of just unbridled misogynistic politician, had an Andrew Bolt column. But, okay, so you realize you'd struck a chord there, struck a vein and then started mapping this thing out. Tell us the perspective that you're writing from. You're not, it's not, not like your last book where you're kind of telling the story of someone, you're telling the story of you. Yeah, well, that was the scary thing about nonfiction. There's a bit of memoir in this. I've also interviewed people and there's a bit of philosophy. Like it's a funny kind of book, but it was definitely weirder to be writing about myself in this book, but I, so I sold it to a publisher off basically like two pages of a sketchy outline. And the book ended up being a very different thing.
But I, so I got that book deal February, 2020, the bushfires had just hit and I got the deal and I thought, great, things are calming down. The news cycle's calming down. I'll just spend the next quiet few months working on this book. Little did you know, two kids at home locked down trying to write this little book. Well, actually I had my second baby in the middle of all that. Okay. So I was pregnant during the pandemic, giving birth, writing the book and there's this bit in the book that's about how you don't have to achieve anything and we don't have to turn our hobbies into side hustles and it's fine to just pass the time in a pleasant way and not be productive. And yet I knew the delicious irony and obnoxiousness of me saying that while also writing a book with a baby during a pandemic.
And then you kind of you get to a place, I guess, at the end of the book where you're there's a lot, there's light coming through and just, you know, just a way of reframing the way you think about things in this day and age. And then, you know, I've read and heard you talk about this. That's all done and dusted. You handed that book through and then you have a life and death scenario, like a life and death accident up there in the beautiful north of Queensland. The book was done by that stage and you had a car accident. Yeah, it was handed in and I'd even done my final edits, like everything was ticked off. I think the book had maybe been, was on its way to the printers when that happened. Right. And it's almost like, would have been a great little like last chapter as well. Oh, it would have been. Well, I'll have to explain, obviously, for the listeners who you didn't read about it.
I was in North Queensland in April and I was in the back of a car. My husband was driving, I was sitting between my toddler and my baby. We're on the Bruce Highway north of Townsville and we got hit from behind by a semi-trailer and the car rolled three times.
It was insane. And it was slow motion. Yes, yes. I think maybe the only thing in my life that has ever happened in slow motion, it happened in complete slow motion. I put an arm in front of each of my kids and braced like that was going to do shit, but whatever and braced and it and I realised, you know, the wind, the first thing I remember is the windscreen just smashing and me looking at it and being like, oh, no. And that's when it clicked with me wearing a car accident. And then we were upside down. I thought it's rolling.
And I thought, don't roll again. Don't roll again. Then it rolled again. And I thought, don't roll again. Like it was this real slow motion. Don't roll again.
And then we rolled again, but that was all in a matter of seconds, but for me felt a lot longer. And, and then we ended up rolling three times and finished right side up, up right by the side of the highway.
And this woman came running over and opened the door, the side my baby was on and said, I just screamed at her, ring an ambulance, ring an ambulance. And she said, I'm an off duty paramedic. And I just said, get my kids out, get my kids out.
And we were all conscious and fine. We ended up, we were all fine.
I couldn't believe it though. Like she, like when, What were you, what kind of rig were you driving in? You get hit by a semi trailer and Holden, Colorado with an anti roll bar on the back. And it was my father-in-law's cause they live in, um, outside of Townsville. We were picked up by my mother-in-law and as we got into the car, I said, why does Alan have this ridiculous car? It's so big.
He doesn't need, cause he's a publican. He's not a farmer. I said, why does he got such a big car? He doesn't need this car as we got in and yeah, he needed that car.
It saved all of our lives and we got visited in the hospital cause we all started to go to hospital. They actually dispatched the helicopter because the triple O call was car hit by truck in a hundred zone has rolled three times. And usually that is a grim scene. And so they called off the road. Amber's got to us. They called off the chopper when they realized we were all conscious and breathing. We all, we still got taken to hospital and we were visited by multiple doctors and nurses because it got around the hospital. There was this family in this accident and they were all fine. And people came to talk to us and ask us like, how are you?
And they just every, all of them just kept saying, we never see this. We never see this. We never see everyone fine.
Wow. Hey, how did the kids take that? I mean, I mean the baby obviously, you know, that's going to be a story the baby will hear about. But you three year old conscious the whole time.
He ended up having the best week of his life because his brother ended up in hospital was fine, but ended up in hospital for five days, uh, just for a few different reasons. So we were staying in a hotel in Townsville, my brother, when he got the call about the accident, booked his tickets to Townsville the next day. So his uncle was there. His little brother wasn't around to annoy him. He was staying in this hotel in Townsville. He just had the best week of his life.
And then when I talked to him about it, because I was still talking to, you know, he's three, he's old enough kind of to realize what's going on. So I had a few conversations with him and he'd bring it up because my shoulder was broken. And, um, and he was at the only real, that was the only real injury. I had a broken shoulder.
That's it out of everyone. Yep. How, how crazy is that?
And so it got strapped at different times that he didn't like it when my shoulder was strapped and he would ask me to take it off. And I'd say, no, my shoulder sore.
And that's when we had the conversation and he said, why? And I said, because of the car crash. And he said, the Ute, I said, yeah, he goes, the Ute broke. I said, yeah, the Ute did break. I said, then what happened? And he said, daddy got an owie. Cause my, my husband had like, uh, just blood on his knuckles from the windscreen, but because it's blood, like toddlers are obsessed with that. And I said, yeah, yeah, your dad got an owie. And then I said, and then what happened? And he's like, and then I rode in an ambulance.
So the whole thing's just an adventure. Like kids don't have a comprehension. This is what I realized. Kids don't have a comprehension of what could have happened. What happened is what happened. That's just what happened. There's no, ideas don't enter their mind of what could have happened. And that is the most, that is a traumatic thing for me and my husband, what could have happened and what we kept being told could have happened. So that's why I think the toddler's fine with it. It is a shame we didn't get to put that in the, in the back of trivial grievances, but you have said you've, you've kind of left that accident with a euphoric zest for life. Was the, uh, was the words?
Well, it was true euphoria. That wore off, but I was in a euphoric state for two weeks. Really? Yeah, there's a science to it. It's something to do with the adrenaline, but I was dead set in euphoria for two weeks. You know, my shoulder was broken and I was stuck in North Queensland, not, you know, with a few different things, but nothing could bother, nothing could touch me during that time. It was the most amazing feeling. It was like being blissed out.
And, but it also obviously puts everything, it sharpens up your focus in life and certainly sharpens up life a bit and what's important. And I think that those kinds of things stay with you, even though the euphoria wears off and I'm back to getting annoyed by dumb things, like a coffee order taking too long. But there's still, you know, a part of me that is definitely appreciating things a bit more and holding onto stuff a bit more than I did before the accident.
It's been a great chat, Brydie. Thanks for coming on. Thank you so much. |
cracked | how_to_save_the_jurassic_park_franchise | According to the ineffable science of my own private movie formula, Jurassic World is 37% good, also known as bad. I hate a Jurassic World and people who like it are wrong, but wait! Before you write your angry YouTube comment, just hear my crazy theory for fixing it. And, you know, say whatever you want.
Zara Young, played by Katie McGrath and seen here being eaten by a pterosaur animosasaurus, should have been the hero of Jurassic World instead of this Pratt and this Dallas Howard, and here's why. Chris Pratt is a Velociraptor trainer, which sounds amazing, but in practice, he's just kind of a jerk. Bryce Dallas Howard is a businesswoman, and she prioritizes money over human lives for the entire movie. Zara, however, is just chock full of hero qualities. First off, she's ambitious, like Dr. Grant, Dr. Sattler, and Dr. Malcolm, the heroes of the other Jurassic Park movies. Second, she's talented since she's assistant to the operations manager of Jurassic World. That means she's somewhere in her late 20s, but her job involves dinosaurs. While most millennials are lucky to afford their own studio apartment, she has a job that involves dinosaurs.
Sure, she doesn't love being around kids, but we can forgive that. After all, we found it endearing when Dr. Grant pantomimed gutting a high schooler alive in his first scene. And finally, she's thoughtful, as we learn here. That's Ian Malcolm's book, and you know it's gotta be a tough read. Remember how that guy talks? Plus, it's not like he's gonna have anything nice to say about Jurassic World, considering it's full of animals that almost killed him. Twice.
So we know Zara is thoughtful, introspective, and capable of change. Now, factor in the fact that relationships and family concerns are central to each character. The kids are afraid of their parents' divorce, Claire doesn't want to have a family at all, and Owen is just kind of a creep who doesn't know how to talk to people. In my bungalow. Zara, however, is the key that meaningfully connects all these character traits. She's young enough to relate to the kids, not quite as work-obsessed as Claire, but a bit more responsible than Owen.
They could all learn from each other by bonding, maybe over a rollicking adventure involving running from dinosaurs and... No. Or she could abruptly suffer the most violent death in the franchise before the story even gets going. That's cool too, whatever. Granted, what I'm suggesting here would require extensive rewrites and reshoots, but I'm confident it would double Jurassic World's score to 74% good. Which is pretty good. Certainly nothing just needs that. |
dropout | very_mary_kate_manicure | Okay, so this one is an ornate illustration done in the style of Michelangelo depicting the Battle of Good and Evil as embodied by Comet and Evil Dragon that has some really rich tones. Yeah, that's some really rich tones. Yeah, yeah. This one is a Sunday afternoon in the island of La Grande Jate by George Surratt.
Now Surratt is pretty much the baby daddy of pointillism, so if you look close enough, you'll see that this is just a bunch of tiny dots. Cute. This is just a bunch of tiny dots. Cute.
I couldn't decide on this one, so it's half cheese, a quart of pepperoni, two slices of veggie, one slice of pineapple and ham, just for whoever wants it. Dibs on nothing. This one, oh man, it's broken. Looks fine to me. Oh, it's supposed to light up, so I guess it's broken. Hashtag pinky problems. This one's a magic eye. God, I hate these things. They never work for me. I can't see it.
Oh my God, I tried Saratops. This one's a mirror so that my other nails can check themselves out. My nails are really vain. Oh, sorry guys. Uckler. On my middle finger is a picture of me giving the middle finger, so when I'm flipping you off, I'm flipping you off. Yo dawg, I heard you like flipping people off. This one's my Coke nail, and this one's an iPod shuffle that plays music in my brain. Ooh, Shania. Hey, did you get your toes did too? Did I?
Pink? Pink.
Yay. Ooh, it works. Yay. Oh, it's broken. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_196_Anthony_Hayes | Well welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording live here in the beautiful Diamantina. Bit of rain out there, it doesn't really look like a desert at the moment, it looks like we are in the Tuscan plains of, Browns Plains actually, which is I believe home to today's guest. You're joined by myself Clancy Overwell and of course Errol Park, how are you Errol?
Good mate, that was spoken by a man who's never seen Tuscany in Italy, I dare say. I've been to Browns Plains and I've been to Tuscany in Italy and they are quite different. Well I don't know if they have the rugby league talent that Browns Plains does coming out of Tuscany.
No but they do have the gun crime.
Now today's guest is Anthony, the king of western grit haze. It's a tag that he has not been able to avoid since early on in his career. Thank you for joining us Hazy. It's good to be here, I've already had a good chuckle while you've been doing the intro.
I hope I got that right, you are a Browns Plains boy? I am a Browns Plains boy, born in Brizzy, the Martyr hospital, grew up in Browns Plains, went to Browns Plains primary, Browns Plains High and my parents still live in that vicinity. So I'm living in Melbourne now but you can take the boy out of Browns Plains as the saying goes.
Absolutely. Die Hard Moraine of the Bone, we've seen the photographs and we're going to get into this film that you've been involved in or you've starred in, directed, co-written and produced In the Shape of Gold which is released on January 26th. So in a couple days time from now right across Australia on the streaming services that is anyway. We'll get into that in a second but I want to talk to you about the long road towards gold towards this film.
Tell us, can we start with how you got out of Browns Plains and not to make that sound like it's a hard place to get out of but what was the pathway because I don't know if they were handing out flyers to Nida down there at Browns Plains High. Well when I realised I wasn't going to play for Queensland in the state of origin I realised that I'd have to come up with another plan. So I always wanted to be a rugby league player and my dad actually started the Browns Plains Bears. He built the Browns Plains Bears Clubhouse because he was a bricklayer and that was going to be my ticket out of Browns Plains. It was going to be halfback or 5-8 for the Morones.
I realised very quickly that wasn't going to happen and I started acting on weekends probably just so my parents could get me out of their hair on Saturday and Sunday and started commercials and basically flogged every product under the sun as a 9-10 year old kid from veggie hot dogs to, you know, Narada tea to, you know, my parents put me to work. Bit of a Macaulay Culkin. Yeah, you know, a bit of a Macaulay Culkin but the good thing was I could go and buy whatever NRL collector cards I wanted because I had enough money for it and then you just kind of, you know, went from there doing kids shows and then Paradise Beach for a while for the duration of that show and then, you know, it was kind of everyone was going into university and I'd spent three or four years of my high schooling on and off film sets and, you know, I realised I didn't have the grades to get into university so I better just keep rolling with acting and then move to Sydney to give it a go. So I didn't really expect to ever have a career out of it, it just organically kind of happened, you know. So can you just tell us, did you study the Thespian stuff or was it always on screen from a young age? No, as Russell would put it, you know, the school of hard knocks was my school. So yeah, I didn't, I mean, I was, by the time I was old enough to go to NIDA and 18 years old or 17 is when people usually go in. I'd been doing it for quite a while, even by then, you know, so I did think about it but I was working a lot so I didn't and so I'd never had the kind of traditional or classical theatre training and always felt quite dumb, really, you know, up against all these kind of well-read, you know, actors that came out of drama schools but my path was always, I guess, to play knockabout Aussie, you know, racist, rapist, murderers and what have you.
We've covered this in the Batura Advocate actually. You have covered this, yeah, quite well. And so, you know, you don't need to read a book to be able to play those roles, do you? No. So it's fine. It helps, actually, doesn't it, to play a racist redneck murderer if you haven't read a book. Oh, well, there are certain books that you can read, you know, I think there are a few on the racist curriculum. Yeah, yeah, you know, there's plenty going around now, actually, you should visit Craig Kelly's website now for some interesting resources in that regard but as you pointed out here, Anthony, you were working, like, you couldn't fuck around for four years, you know, doing the amateur theatre stuff and learning, you know, those specific disciplines because you're already on the job. Pretty much, yeah.
When did you start seeing it look like work was coming in? I mean, I know you said that was happening from a young age with the commercials but was there any moment where you're like, okay, now I'm an Australian actor? Yeah, it's always, I mean, for me, it's always felt uncertain to be completely honest. I mean, you know, I'm a character actor, that's kind of what I do, you know, I could do four films in a year and there was a time there where, you know, it seemed like I was in every bloody Australian movie that was out and a lot of work was coming out but it really only equated to 15 days a year of work so it was always, you know, a bit of a hard slog to get through it and try and pick things that you actually liked doing and not fall into the trap of doing long-term TV which I wasn't into, you know, at the time so it's always a battle and that's, you know, that is why, you know, I started writing and creating my own materials out of necessity, you know, you got to kind of, you can't wait by the phone for the next three days racist role, you know, that's not going to do you any good. Well, I know, I mean, we laugh about it but some of these roles you've played, you know, they're quite haunting, I mean, one that obviously comes to mind is The Boys, The Boys, that's the type of movie you never forget.
Another one that I actually found your character actually just so real and just someone you'd seen before was in The Slap. Can I ask you a question? When you were playing that role and when you went and looked back at it, how did you view your character in The Slap? Obviously, the father of the boy that gets slapped, I don't need to go into the plot because everyone's either read the book or seen the show.
What was your feeling on that? Because we were talking to old Throwing the Cow the other day and he was under the impression that your character was like a marginalised, you know, the guy that you feel sympathy for. I wasn't sure if I felt the same way watching that. Yeah, I don't know that I had much sympathy for him.
I mean, yeah. The drunken obnoxious labor. The drunken obnoxious kind of bogan bloke, you know, I mean, I identified with him, sure, but yeah, I mean, it's always interesting doing those kind of things though because, you know, you mentioned the boys and The Slap and all these type of characters is you always have to come at them with a, with a, you know, sense of non-judgment and a sense of purity in a sense where there's a grey to everyone, you know, the blackest soul in the world still has some kind of redeeming feature I'm sure somewhere there and that's, you know, your job to find that to make it interesting. So, but I always like kind of wading into the shallows of the, you know, darker side of humanity. It's where I got to sit best and trying to find the shades and the color in there, you know, and make an irredeemable character somewhat sympathetic in some ways so that it's a complex portrayal of a human being. Yeah. That's what I love about it. It was interesting that you could see the layers to that character and I guess Brendan Cowell felt, could see so much of himself in there that he felt sorry for him. Yeah.
We've, we've, we've had, we've had Cowell on here before and he's, he's a hoot, but it's, it sounds like it's hard work out there. It's hard work out there for you guys. I mean, especially when you have to leave somewhere like Browns Plains and end up in, you know, end up in, in, in a city that's much more expensive to live in. And, you know, yeah, it's basically, unless you're a real estate agent or, you know, some sort of a trust fund kid, I guess it's a hard slog for anyone in a city like that, let alone a bloke working 15 days a year.
Yeah, that's right. It's, you know, you're really, it really tests your mettle. You know, you're definitely kind of, you know, I guess it's that thing is you just got to back your talent. You know, you've got to, you just got to go, I'm good at this. I know that.
And if you keep cracking down doors and eventually they're going to open. And the thing about the industry I've found is that, you know, just when you're ready to give up something amazing happens, you know, that changes your mind, like you just about had enough. And then David Michaud gives you a call and goes, you're going to do a Brad Pitt movie around seven countries around the world for four months. And you go, all right, I'm back in. It has that tantalizing kind of, you know, and that's why we love it and hate it is that it offers up the most extraordinary experiences and the most intense experiences. And then it's a piece of shit the rest of the time. So just halfway through getting verified by Uber and then you get a phone call like that, you know, yeah, pretty much, pretty much. That's what it feels like.
Yeah. You've worked with some big name stars like Richard Roxburgh for one, Luke Bracey, friend of the show comes to mind. So, you know, some of the biggest names in the history of motion pictures is that kind of what prepared you for spending a couple of months in the desert with Zac Efron without getting starstruck. I mean, you still opposite Luke Bracey on the screen. Yeah.
Bracey. I mean, Bracey's it really isn't, he's the pinnacle. So it's, um, you know, I love Bracey.
He loves his rugby league too, which is, he's a blue, which is manly seagulls fan.
Yeah. And he's one of those toothless standing on the hill guys. Yeah. Okay. He's one of those like Justin, Justin Rosniak. Yeah. Toothless silver tiles. It's a rare, rare, rare. That's the ones. Yeah. Rep his head off. Come on ref. Yeah. He's one of those. Yeah. We know those guys.
Well, well, bizarrely it's, I've, I've never, ever felt intimidated by actors before, but I've always felt intimidated by rugby league players. That's weird because even at, um, you know, I'm now a 43 year old man and I, and NRL players are 19 or 20. I mean, now I don't, you know, I mean, I'd see pain and I'd be like scared and shit.
Yeah. He's a 19 year old kid. What are you talking about?
I know, but actors though are quite little, they are really, you know, they are, you know, like aside from jockeys, they are quite little. So it's understandable that you'd be, you know, a bit apprehensious around a rugby league play, considering that they are kind of like, um, a door on legs. And I can vouch for that because once I was at a urinal in between Sylvester Stallone and Jean-Claude Van Damme and I was bigger than him. So really non-plussed Hollywood opening. So I was like, yeah, they're small angles. It's those angles from the side of the boxing ring coming up to the ropes. Yeah, that's right. It's the low angle of the camera just making him look big and, you know, standing on boxes.
So how was it, how was it out there in the desert? I mean, how long were you out there for?
I mean, this is gold we're talking about now, the film we mentioned at the start of the interview, but how was it out there with someone like Zac Efron who has effectively lived out of, uh, you know, briefcases and, um, and you know, huge, uh, Hollywood productions since he was a boy. And also living in huge big mansions on the hills of Hollywood.
That's right. Yeah, that's right.
I mean, that was the thing is that, you know, this could have been a disaster. If I had a Hollywood actor that came into this who was precious, then I wouldn't have got the film done.
And I mean, these conditions were so full on. They were the most, they were the worst conditions I've ever been in for a, you know, I've done four or five films out in the Flinders Rangers before, but the ground temperature was 70 degrees Celsius on some days. It got so hot. It was melting the shoes of the crew and people are fainting.
So you were saying that all through this, that Zac wasn't being very precious at all. He was just laughing. I'm saying that that guy didn't go on his trailer once. I mean, we couldn't even have the trailers close by, which was, you know, because we were shooting 360 degree on this clay plant pan. And so they were kind of a couple of kilometers away, tucked away under a hill, but he'd never complained once. He broke his hand in the middle of it and didn't even tell us. And I only knew once he, once he, once he sent me a photo of his x-ray with pins put in it, he got a couple of pins put in his hand. Yeah. But he didn't want to say anything cause he didn't want production to stop. So, I mean, that guy was just so dedicated to it and it was tough to handle. Like he was rolling around on that dirt for, for, you know, it was only 18 days, but it felt like about six months.
There were sandstorms that blew us out for three days straight. So we couldn't shoot. And there was actually a sandstorm written into the movie and we had paid heaps of money to get all these special effects guys up there with these big fans. And the idea was to drive these utes across this plane with these fans going to try and blow this movie dust around. And we're sitting here for two days on our asses, not been able to shoot because of sandstorms.
The real thing. It's right there. We got to do this.
Oh insurance, we can't. And oh, you can't ask for him to shoot in a sandstorm.
I was like, so I kind of snuck around the side of his, um, you know, van cause we're shut down for the day and just knocked on his van. He goes, dude, there's a sandstorm we want to shoot. And he goes, fuck yeah buddy. I was like, let's go and shoot. So then we kind of, you know, had three hours in a real sandstorm to shoot it and just threw the camera on the shoulder and it was actually probably the most exhilarating three or four hours of shooting I've ever had.
Cause it was nuts. And what you see in the movie is, you know, 90% real apart from some CGI effects that are in there. So yeah, he was awesome man. And like I said, with a precious Hollywood actor, that's used to the level of comfort that he would be used to, it could have gone terribly wrong with the wrong actor, but he was, he was right on board. We know that there's some in the Australian media who've made a few parts, faux pas recently, namely the channel seven entertainment reporter that flew all the way to England to interview Adele without having listened to her album on the plane and told her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Interview's over then. Yeah. Well that's, that's what we're hoping.
I mean, it's not out until January until January 26th is Wednesday. So we actually haven't seen it.
So, so for those listening, I'll give them a brief premise. It's a story of two men played by yourself and Zach Efron traveling through a remote desert and stumbling across a treasure or a, you know, a buried treasure, gold basically natural. And then kind of what happens to each man's kind of soul and, you know, the themselves as persons at them as people, you know, when they start talking about this fortune, they start thinking about it. And of course you're in there in the elements and, you know, there's that at all costs kind of a psyche that you slip into. Would you say that when you were reading this and writing it co-writer, of course, you didn't actually imagine the, the set to be as harsh as it was and did that actually, do you reckon that actually shines through on, I mean, apart from the, the sandstorm of course, does that shine through in the film?
Yeah, it definitely does. Definitely does.
I think it was, it was, it was really tough. I think what it does too is it zapped Zach of a lot of energy, you know, probably helped with having a very minimal performance, which is what we were going for anyway, but it was a real struggle. And I think you can see it in through this film.
I mean, it's 90% him in this movie by himself, you know, without Wilson there next to him. Yeah, there's no Wilson either. There's no Wilson.
Just the sun. That's right. Just the sun and some blisters. But yeah, it's, it was a really intense situation and, you know, and perfectly summed up too.
It's basically a, you know, tale about where humanity could be headed. You know, the, the characters in the film don't have a name, they're nameless, but they don't have a backstory, which is unusual for a film. You don't know where it's set. It's not set anywhere. And the idea was to explore a world in the future where, you know, humanity has come to a point where we don't give a fuck about each other or where we're from or who we are.
And we just value things. And then what happens to people and then wrap it up into a nice, you know, heavy hitting genre vibe. And you could talk about big themes and still make people want to watch it, you know, in a sense.
How were you able to convince him to sign onto this project? I mean, it seems quite left field from him. I mean, like how, how easy was it to convince one of the biggest stars in the world to come out to the Flinders Ranges in the middle of summer?
Yeah, it was actually a weird thing. There was a film that I was directing and producing with the Schwartz brothers over in Canada that Joel Edgerton was attached to. And that was a couple of years before we shot Gold, probably 2018 or something. And we got about six weeks into pre-production and we were about to shoot and then the whole production fell over and went down. And Joel, you know, it was like a house of cards. It was like once one actor pulled out and another actor's pulled out and the whole thing was predicated on having to have this ensemble and all, you know, in the movie finance world, it's like every actor has a particular value in different territories to make something happen. And so it becomes very difficult with an ensemble. And so that was just devastating, you know, getting all that way and doing that. And then the only person who kind of stuck around was Joel. Joel is still attached to it. Good mate. And when I got back, it was devastating. So I spoke to Polly and just said, look, we've got to come up with a movie where it doesn't rely on a massive ensemble of actors who all have to be available at the same time, you know, so we need to engineer something for a single actor. But we were still trying to get that film back up.
And so Joel kind of put in a good word for me with Zach's agent over in America and said, look, this guy's really cool. I've known him for years. And, you know, he's got this film called Stingray that I'm attached to. And maybe, you know, he wants to talk about Zach being in it. So Zach read that to be in that movie to kind of get that back up again. And he and I had a few meetings with him, and he almost did that. And then was like, I don't know, but I really want to work with that guy.
And that was a report back. And then I just happened to have Gold Ready, which was unheard of, really. And he said, oh, all of you wants to work with me? How about this one? And so we just quickly found that one out to him. And he was like, yeah, this is the one. This is awesome. So that's almost like that's that's perfect in this in thinking you'd had that experience with Stingray over in Canada. And you in by your own kind of, you know, the way you were at in making films, you were thinking it would be better with, you know, smaller, smaller cast, smaller capacity, which is, you know, by the grace of God, the perfect production for this pandemic that ended up happening.
Exactly. Yeah. Is was that all? Yeah.
So it feels like too good to be true. But this was something that was in the works before. Well, before the people started coughing up in the wet markets. Yeah, that's right. It's yeah, it's weird because it feels like a film that's completely designed for a pandemic style thing. And there are a few that got made after that. I think that Phil Noyce did with one with Naomi Watts that's coming out now. And there's a few that, you know, there was another one with Jake Gyllenhaal that he was a caller in a call center that I saw recently on. There's a whole bunch of them that were basically what can we make, you know, without putting people around each other. Yeah, but this was actually engineered, you know, just because of a, you know, balancing of cast values thing and just going, I don't want to go through that process again. I haven't had six actors all be available at the one time to facilitate the budget you need. So, but yeah, weird how, you know, things happen. It's the end of the world when Stingray falls over. And that's actually the thing that leads to getting Zac Efron in your next movie.
It's like, you know, my dad always says things happen for a reason. I mean, you never seem like it at the time. I'm like, righto dad, shut up.
What do you know? Stingray will define me, dad. You don't know anything in that movie.
Yeah, that's right. Yeah, there he is. Yeah. I don't want to say I told you so son, but this is going to be the biggest I told you so you've ever heard. Well mate, we're looking forward to seeing it. It felt like it dropped perfect timing as well. Like with the tennis and everything on. So it feels like I was watching Curios and then I saw a trailer for gold and I walked outside and I saw a bus coming past with your mug on it. So yeah, it's all done a great job. That's right. Yeah.
So it's, I mean, it's in limited theatrical release now until the 26th and then it premieres on stand on the 26th. And you know, they've been fantastic getting behind this and it's everywhere, you know, bus stops, everything. I've never seen this kind of level of promotion for a film before, which is quite amazing. No mate, it's, I think it might have a little bit to do with Channel Nine and the old merchants of advertising, uh, taking Stan under their wings. So, uh, I guess the Channel Nine knows a thing or two about promoting things.
They do. Yes. Now that they've got Fairfax out of the room, I think they've been able to turbocharge and streamline their operation when it comes to putting things on bus stops, buses, billboards and the phones. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
Now, mate, before we let you go, we need to ask about the nickname, the King of Western Grit. Where did it come from? Who gave it to you? That was a Joel Edgerton thing. He called me the King of Western Grit and I can't even remember what it was, but it was, it was, it was after my 10th, you know, roll with a mullet, I think.
And it's just stuck. And then all of a sudden there was this Facebook page that come up with basically people taking my mullet and scone and just putting on all these random movie posters. But yeah, that was, uh, that was how it started and it's still, it's stuck to this day.
Well, thanks for joining us, King of Western Grit.
And lastly, what are your predictions for the 2022 NRL season? Well, look, Adam Reynolds has gone up there hasn't he? And, uh, Kurt Capewell has gone up there and, uh, look, I just want Broncos to make the top eight again, because that, you know, it's, it's heartbreaking to, to have such a successful club really floundering down there and have the, have the talent behind them, but just no one's steering the ship. But, uh, yeah, look, you can't really go past, you know, Penrith at the moment or the storm.
They're always there, aren't they? Manly's always a dark horse.
Couple of sleepers there. Yeah, a couple of sleepers there with the tigers and suck. Um, you know, the warriors could sneak in, you know, on the tiger's sucking ass.
That's one thing we can do. You've pretty much bet on that. Yeah.
I mean, even the Bulldogs this year look like they might have some players, you know, so, you know, and also, uh, I would say one thing to kind of boost your morale is it looks like the Broncos are doing a much better job of signing players than the 2023 NRL dolphins. They're limping. Bit of a slow rollout, isn't it? They're limping into a debut season.
Yeah, but they do have Wayne though. They do have Wayne. They've got Wayne.
They signed another 30 something today. Yeah. The median age of the front row is like 33. Oh, like Tony Butterfield or something. Yeah. I think that hoppers only got two or three more years kind of left on his 10 year ban. So he'll be up there soon. Yeah. Oh, future's bright for the dolphins. Yeah.
Fins up. Fins up for 2023. Belcher, get those boots back on son.
Oh, fantastic. Well, great to chat guys. Thanks, mate. Thanks for joining us and good luck with the rest of the junket. I'm sure they're going to be handing you the rollout here and then we'll roll out elsewhere. It'll be in Iceland next week. Yeah. Absolutely. But this will always be the most fun I ever had. So thanks. Thanks for joining us. Yeah, no worries. Bye. |
dropout | hardly_working_party_dj | All right, mopey grouchy push face. I know you guys have all been sad since I accidentally killed the office dog So to cheer you up.
I hired a party DJ All right, Drake, we're gonna get you. Hold on a second. Sounds like the Limbo Express is making a stop in party time. Make some noise for the two cool party girls.
Oh, what's up? What's up?
Watch it slow. This guy's getting fired. All right.
Now before our friend here sends to limbo heaven, we're gonna need him to go ahead and pop that shirt off. No shirt, Limbo Sevens! Do I have to take my shirt off?
Do I really have to? Jake, don't be a party pooper.
All right, fine. Whoo! Whoa, look at that milky smooth skin. Love to get me some of that.
All right, now a butt party of sorts is gonna dip that bar. We're gonna see how low we can go!
I am seriously rock hard right now, you guys. Now just to remind you, we have plastic novelty fedoras, inflatable guitars, everything you need to have a good time. Did you say you were rock hard?
All right, now we're gonna need our volunteer to get down on his knees. No, I think I've been volunteer long enough. Come on, Jake. I paid a lot for these guys.
I don't care. It just seems really unnecessary.
All right, now I am just about ready for insertion. What? If you party people could just stop your feet to the beat. Okay, somebody please. Jake, stop being such a buzzkill. I have got a rock hard bunner just aching for some sweet release from this dude's mouth.
Let me hear him say, Jake! Jake!
Jake, you ruined our party. He was gonna make me drink his...
Come on, guys. Let's get out of here. Ugh, look, man.
I'm really sorry. I was just trying to get the party started. I took it a little far and I apologize.
What the hell? Hey, come on! What's wrong with you? We're just trying to have fun here, man! Well, you thought... Hey! Get... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_159_Greg_Sam_CEO_Royal_Flying_Doctor_Service_South_Eastern_Section | Now we've been lucky enough to interview a few icons over the last couple of months, particularly icons of the bush. Red Ian Moss on a couple of weeks ago, I guess you could call him an icon of the bush.
He comes from Alice Springs, which is basically where the outback turns into the west. And then of course we had Troy Casadally, good Grafton lad, on the podcast as well. But Queensland is particularly well known for a lot of things. We have Qantas was founded out in Longreach, Labour Party was founded in Barkholden, but they'll claim it in Balmain. And the Jackie Howe was born in Blackhall.
Yep.
The blue singlet. And of course, Darren Lockyer from Roma.
But aeronautical kind of aviation has been a big part of the bush for many years because it's always been, ever since planes were flying, it's been one of the ways to get around. Everyone out there has a cousin or a brother who has his chopper pilot's license and everyone knows someone who has a light aircraft.
Today's guest knows a lot of those kinds of blokes. We have the Chief Executive Officer of the Royal Flying Doctor Service here with us today, Greg Sam. Thank you for joining us, mate. G'day gents. It's great to be back in the diamond Tino. Well it's, I mean, you get around a lot, the people who work with you get around a lot as well.
What's happening with the Royal Flying Doctor Service at the moment with these borders up and down? Well it's been interesting that the moment that COVID started to hit, we saw two things happen. The health system started to shut down, particularly the non-emergency activity. So a lot of elective surgery around the country really came to a sudden halt and 12 months ago we were thinking we were going to have to keep hundreds, if not thousands of beds available with ventilators and intensive care capability around the country. So a lot of that was designed to rapidly give us that capacity to respond if those nasty ways of COVID hit.
So that really created a couple of issues in terms of flying as well. It's underestimated just how many people from the cities actually work in the health system outside of the bigger regional and metro centres. So in addition to us providing our own clinics and retrieval services, we also help move people around the health system, healthcare workers. State to state? State to state, across borders in particular and particularly where you're looking at rural and remote locations, people tend to move pretty closely around the borders. So the impact on us was that we actually overall didn't stop flying as much. The borders did cause a few problems and a bit of paperwork was required from time to time. Probably the biggest issue was just the inability to move staff across borders. But look, that's started to improve now, of course, and we're sort of screaming into the vaccination era.
So not a lot of people would realise, though, that there are millions of people who walk around this country every day with a $20 note in their back pocket. And not a lot of people would know the story behind the people on those notes, or they wouldn't even know their names, most of them.
So can you tell us a little bit about John Flynn, who was the founder of the Flying Doctor, and he's on the $20 note. He is and he managed, I'd learnt that the RBA, every few years reviews who they feature, and the Reverend Flynn managed to get another, another Guernsey, as no doubt that space is hotly contested. But John Flynn really came of age at the beginning of the 20th century. So he was born in the late 1800s.
His desire was to become a Presbyterian minister and he started his ministry and through that era, spent a lot of time initially working up in far north and South Australia and into the territory. Part of his mission brief was to conduct some evaluation of life in remote areas and particular those areas that were now being settled for large pastoral holdings and where small communities were starting up around mining activity. So not a lot of work going on above the ground, but a bit starting to scratch below. He basically came back and told the church, look, the biggest problem out there in fact was the threat to women and children and that he'd recommended that they would start to put some remote nursing stations in and being a faith-based mission, they also wanted to minister to the spiritual side of people's lives remotely. And it was inevitable also that a lot of those early mission and nursing camps started to provide some care for the local Aboriginal populations.
On the back of that experience, he then got more money to expand and that really got him through to the beginning of the First World War. And it was through that era that really his interest in both communications and moving around enabled him to start to talk to people about the value of both wireless radio that had started to come of age through the First World War, but also this sort of new transport medium of flying and aviation. And in fact, Australia's contribution to that in the First World War is quite significant. And it was a World War I pilot by the name of Clifford Peel who wrote to Flynn and said, look, you know, you guys are wandering around the back with camels and horses and really you're limited in how effective you can be and have you thought about the possibility that air travel might bring. So he spent basically the next 10 years trying to pull all that together.
And Clancy, as you mentioned, the first real flying doctor flight was out of Cloncurry in 1928. And that was an old de Havilland D50 aircraft that Qantas actually owned them. All right. I thought Sydney Kidman might have donated that plane to them as well, like he did for the World War I aircraft. No. And I understand, like they charged them something like two shillings a mile to fly. So that was really the first flying doctor service out of Queensland, as you said.
And then from there, Flynn basically took it beyond the remit of the Presbyterian Church and sought government intervention to try to expand the service nationally in different states, as they then were. And then, you know, for the next 20 years, increasingly more and more states bought into it and the service expanded. And then he died in 1951, I think. And from there, it just went from strength to strength, largely because the communities were the ones who took it over. So where a base or what he called them ports were established in the states and those communities at that time, they really hung onto it for dear life and helped convince government to keep it going. So overall, after he died, it became sort of the non-government organisation supported by government, owned by communities and supported by communities.
And where would your strongest ports be nowadays? I know Broken Hills got a bunch of young doctors running around town. Yes, indeed. There are, I think we've still got a great network of inland bases. So certainly around here, you've got, you know, some great bases for Cloncurry and Mount Iser and Longreach, Broken Hill and Dubbo further south. And then you swing around to Alice Springs. And then every capital city also has a major base because if now with the speed of air travel, we can pick you up anywhere in the country within two hours and get you to a tertiary hospital if need be.
Anywhere in the country? Anywhere in the country.
There's 21 bases, of which certainly every coastal city has a major retrieval base or supports the state air ambulance service. And then there's a number of regional bases as well.
As a non-for-profit group, that doesn't make you essentially beholden to what the government tells you what to kind of do each day as a government department. So what's the basic structure of the Royal Flying Doctor Service? Like most of the money would come through the government or through donations? Yeah, it's structured as a federation. So there's sort of seven independent organisations that what Flynn called the many heads, one heart concept. So as a federation, we basically, our traditional services, I guess most of what most people would recognise us for, which is the remote retrievals and clinics, telehealth and the super first aid kits that we have all around the country.
That's funded by the Commonwealth because in terms of the way that the states and Commonwealth negotiate health responsibility, remote health is the Commonwealth's responsibility. So that's about a third of our funding overall. And that, as I said, covers the primary evacuation retrievals and the clinics. Another third is from state government work, and that's where we move people and patients between hospitals. So if you've got someone who's in a smaller rural hospital and they need to be moved, we will undertake that work on behalf of the state. And then the other third is from public donations.
And it's a very strongly supported brand. We had the value of kids growing up with social studies, learning about Flynn, the $20 note, you know, the TV series in the 80s that not only sort of made the brand in Australia, but it also established the brand overseas. And we've got both a UK and a German group who still support us.
We spoke to Pastor John Owen from Wayside Chapel on the podcast a few months back and he was giving us the rundown on the way they, on how they do things down there on the cross. And he also, you know, gave us the rundown on how, you know, there is a, like a patron, a patronage to what they do. And there's been some big supporters, a lot of philanthropy that's kind of helped them get to where they are.
I imagine it's the same, were there any kind of, you know, you know, iconic donors in the, in the, in the, you know, yesteryear, the golden age of, of the bush before the wool crash, who was, who was tipping in the most, you reckon? Sir Sidney?
Well, I think anyone who's got a, a commercial interest in operating in remote Australia today even, and as I say, whether that's above the ground or below the ground, often part of the proposition that they have for their workforce and increasingly it's all FIFO. So if you want to, you know, operate that type of business model and workforce model, the fact that you've got access to 24-7 emergency support from the RFDS clearly is a, is of value. Yeah. And so there is a lot of commercial and corporate sponsorship for us, particularly quite specific in those areas where that's the type of support and service we provide. Similarly with increasingly now, a lot of donors don't want to just fund the brand. They want to fund and see what we do with it. And so a lot of that now is directed towards specific services and over the past probably five years where we've had that prolonged drought period, and then a series of natural disasters leading into COVID, and then, you know, the big rain of 2020, that mental health and I guess more chronic disease has been a major area that the service has been able to grow into because people actually recognize that now as much as people falling off horses or coming out of ultra lights and falling off the back of some circle work at a B&S. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, you would have had everything in the back of one of your planes, I'm guessing. Who was the most high profile, I guess, passenger? Would you say, did you ever get a Prince Phillip or a Kerry Packer? Well, I think we've had a few high profile people in the back of the aircraft, not necessarily Stupine and hooked up to a monitor. So we'd like to get them in there and show them what is there and hopefully that they're not going to get a ride.
But it's interesting the number of families and particularly those intergenerational families, the big landholders who have a relationship where, you know, dozens of their family have used the service. So there are a few frequent fliers, it's fair to say, and, you know, again, around major events where you get a lot of influx of... Birds of a races.
That's right. So it's not just the locals that we look after and particularly we're expecting with COVID now, as borders increase and international travels off, the number of people that are moving around. Oh, there'd be a lot of grey nomads that run out of water halfway across the Nullarbor. That's right.
Or insulin. Or fuel. Who want to put a bull bar on the Brumby and take it across the Stresweckie.
That was a big one. I remember when Victoria was open to Queensland, but not New South Wales, and some of these grey nomads just having a crack going through Haddon's Corner, straight into South Australia. You know, they were on the Gold Coast, they needed to get back to Toorak, so they went via Birdsville. Yeah. No, yeah, there was a lot of people caught on the old dirt tracks that way, down the guts, I guess.
A lot of our patients, a lot of our passengers and clients sort of fall into that category of people who really aren't familiar with how to navigate and survive. And those who have been there for a long, long time, and basically you know when they ask for help that they really need it. And it's those characters that you come across very regularly, the people that pull their own teeth out and cauterise their own amputations and that sort of stuff that still goes on.
Not as much though I might add. So in America they've got, as everyone knows thanks to the movie, the Top Gun school.
That's usually the benchmark for your best pilots, where in this country if someone says, you know, I'm a pilot with the Royal Flying Doctor service, that's usually as good as a pilot you can be in this country. So what does a flying doctor look for in their pilots? I mean, do most of them have like an ex-military background or? I think historically, I mean you mentioned the fact that a lot of rural people actually, it's their mode of transport and a lot of the kids when they go away to boarding school actually learn how to fly so that they can then come back to the property. So there's elements of people who have that capability and then skill up to meet our requirements and it's fair to say that in the main the Flying Doctor service flies in uncontrolled airspace and in the main we only generally have one pilot in the cockpit. So we do require a high degree of experience and aviation now across the country, like most things, is becoming more regulated.
So the idea of the barnstorming and, you know, I'll get out of bed on a Sunday and have a crack at it for you, those days are gone. So we have to operate under the same rules as if we were running sort of a passenger service. So that flows through to our pilot requirements around training and experience. In the 60s you kind of moved away from contractors, would have been a few cowboys getting around there, a couple of, I guess you'd say, musters of the air. A few crop dusters and a few longhorn musters. That's true. But I think they're now, I mean aviation and particularly for that type of flying, it's quite a fluctuating industry. So when COVID hit and the major airlines just shut up overnight, literally, the phone rang off into RFDS and people were saying, hey, can I come and fly with you? And unfortunately it's not as simple as saying just, you know, move from the column to the floor shift. So the lag to take advantage of that takes some time. But across the country now, our Western Australian operations and our central Northern Territory operations have got jets in their fleet, PC-24s, and on the East Coast they're largely King Air twin engines.
So they're a particular platform that appeal to a particular type of pilot. But generally, back to your question, the type of people that want to come and work for us, a lot of it is just that ability to have long periods of what I would call not terribly exciting flying or waiting interspersed with the ability to act in an emergency and be part of that emergency response. So we seek our pilots to be part of the response team as much as just sit up the front of the cockpit. I guess the question I want to ask now is how, for those kind of people, you know, there's a lot of domestic tourism taking place right across Australia right now. How would someone, if something happens, they know they need to go to a hospital and they need to go quick, how would they call the flying doctor?
Is there a triple zero, like, you know, direct kind of transfer or? Look, those in the know generally can contact us in a number of ways and that's part of the relationship we have with people that live there. That's quite specific. So at times it can be, you know, having that communication line to the closest base. Yeah, the homestead has a button, they know how to get you. That's right. And, you know, there's still other forms of communication beyond telephones and UHF and radio can still find us in a number of areas. Generally any emergency response now is coordinated and integrated. So if you ring triple O or you, you know, dial an emergency number, depending on where you are, and in most cases you'll be directed pretty quickly to the RFDS. And that's been, you know, part of us trying to improve that, particularly given the type of travel. So we spend a fair bit of time marketing through the grey name ads to make sure that, you know, they know how to find us if they roll the Viscount.
If they hit a big red, get a leg through the windscreen. That's right. It should happen a lot. If they acquire an errant EMU.
It's not, but it's not all outback, is it? What are some of the coastal deserts you're landing in there? Well, the issue is what's the care you need and where's the best place to get it?
So again, we have to sort of integrate on the east coast with the change to the health system where you've got emergency road vehicles, you've got helicopters, you've got non-emergency road vehicles, and then you've got fixed wing aircraft. So that all ties in nicely as to how the state manages all its emergency responses. And so that will mean we could pick you up from an accident, retrieve you to a first level of hospital that will stabilise you, keep you alive, and then probably then move you to another hospital in a big regional centre or a capital city. Or in some cases, we will just pick you up in the middle of the desert and take you straight to your capital city for that type of care. In the meantime, the fit outs in the aircraft and road vehicles are such that your chances of survival, our aim is to make it exactly the same as if you were picked up in an ambulance in Brisbane or Sydney or Melbourne. So the other issue is that we now can take you bed to bed. So we operate often a series of road fleets and road vehicles and road ambulances so that we don't have to rely on synchronising with ambulance services for each of our retrievals or our patient movements.
So a lot of that occurs in the city. So you'll see RFDS increasingly in the capital cities. We fundraise in the capital cities because back to that issue of the brand and the fact that kids don't routinely learn about Flynn or the Outback now in social studies. And not as many people carry $20 bills around.
So we keep that marketing now, particularly through social media, and we try to keep that whole Outback relationship in front of people's minds. And the other issue is that we're expecting the new TV series to be aired before the end of the year, which will be nice.
So in your experience, where are some of the shortfalls in terms of regional health? Are they on really a base hospital level or are they more or less just across the board where you've got people in regional and remote parts of Australia are just worse off?
It's a really difficult problem. And I think without making excuses to the fact that most problems can be improved if not resolved. But in terms of regional Australia, as you know, there's a lot of discussion currently about the quality of care that is accessible. And often it's not that the care you get is of substandard. So once you're in the system and once you're picked up by it, generally the level of care you get is very good. And you can get poor care in tertiary hospitals in capital cities. Part of the challenge is that the type of care you need, whether that's through your GP or your community level care through to acute hospital-based care, you don't have those resources available to you. So how you access the service is often the problem, and the lack of access is the problem. So solving that, it would be nice to say, look, if you just wrote a big enough check that that would enable us to have hospitals on every corner and chemists and GPs. And that's not the case. Often this is a supply challenge as much as a demand challenge.
As a service, we continue to have to work very hard at getting people to want to come and work and live in rural and remote communities. The nature of the workforce has changed across the board in health care as well. So what once was a vocation where you'd qualify, you'd move to a country town, and you'd marry the farmer's son or daughter and stay around for a generation and support the school and support. Those days are evaporating quickly. So most career professionals now want to work differently. They want to come. They want to work at the top of their profession. And they want to stay for a shorter time and a better time rather than that commitment.
And just the cost of providing that level of access and fidelity of care is very, very expensive. So the short answer is, yes, more money needs to be spent to improve both the conditions for health care workers to want to come and base themselves in remote areas. The other issue is as well that the way that people expect to receive their care is changing. Technology now is giving us a lot more access to people. And COVID has been great in, I think, forcing both patients and health care providers to get better at that type of remote consultation, which is something RFDS really started with pedal radios and Morse code.
But now- When does it hurt? Well, there's that famous story of Jimmy Darcy, who, I mean, this was before Flynn became involved, but it sort of focused the fact that he had a horse accident and that literally they were trying to Morse code instruction through to save his life. And then in the end they saved his life and he subsequently died of malaria, as it turned out. But- The harsh effect. That's right.
But the point really around regional health, I think, is that people now demand to have the full range of access to services. And the challenge is how do you put it at their doorstep and make it affordable? And that technology is going to help. And certainly the amount of patient contact we have via a screen now has increased. So probably the biggest thing that'll help regional health is better infrastructure. So better roads, better NBN coverage, better communication access. And then we can overlay health technology with that. But we have people that still don't have reliable electricity, let alone a passable road or a mobile phone tower. And that's the stuff we deal with. I think in closer to smaller country, towns and regional areas, it's more that the model of healthcare where you had a number of GPs in town who could see you through the day and then see you at the hospital and take your tonsils out and deliver your baby, that model is changing quickly now.
What do you think the centralization of the Australian population is a result of? There's many arguments that mining companies now don't really depend on the township they depend on FIFO workers. Once upon a time you look at towns like Blackwater and Emerald, they even had a union for the miners' wives and the company would be expected to seal roads and build schools and that kind of stuff. And of course state governments would tip in too because that's where the jobs were. Nowadays there's a lot more FIFO, not just in the resources sector, but outside of that there is some sort of, I wouldn't say brain drain, I'd just say drain from the towns where the, you mentioned it before, people do their prac, fall in love and stay.
What is it do you think? Do you think it is a culture of convenience? I think it's a culture of comfort really.
And I think the necessity has also changed in terms of what are people's options who want to live and work and stay in those types of communities. And ultimately technology, the way that agriculture and mining has moved, certainly has changed the way that those communities can self-sustain so that you can be born there, have a job for life, get married there and breed the next generation. It still can happen but it's increasingly rare and a lot of that is around the fact that I think that opportunity now outside of those communities, relatively speaking, draws you into regional areas or the city. But what we do see increasingly is just the impact of the environmental issues and water, for example, which fortunately has been off the table for a little while. But that is a major determinant of the viability of those communities. Access to energy is a major issue of the viability of those communities. So when we see these major national discussions on that type of infrastructure, those smaller communities that rely heavily upon it are the ones who are generally the first to be impacted positively and negatively. So you will see where industry comes back into a location, those small communities fire up very quickly.
And you can take a town like Cobar in north-western NSW and see that just the ebb and flow of that sector can rise and decline your population by 20-50% over a period of time. So that's very hard to know if I'm a doctor or if I want to go and set up in a town of 5,000 or 10,000 people and commit there for life and buy a house. Because 10,000 could be 5,000 in a couple of years. And also the idea of, again, I want to practice rural medicine but I want to have a lifestyle in the metropolitan area. So increasingly the system is trying to adapt to that and hence the health service has a large FIFO dependency as well. Well I read in the newspaper the other day that they've just started to do daily flights between Cobar and Sydney and Cobar and Brisbane. So if you're a young doctor, tossing up whether to go to Cobar, there's another reason for you to go.
That's right. And I heard today that the last 12 months through COVID I think the net migration into regional and rural was something like 250,000 people in the last 12 months. That no doubt will spread quite diffusely. But some communities, particularly those regional communities that have infrastructure on education and communication, that's what attracts people because they can live and work there and they don't have that commuting issue that generally has been the biggest problem.
On this podcast we have the ear of many politicians. We've had John Barrallaro, Deputy Premier of New South Wales on here. We've had the Deputy Premier of Queensland, Jackie Tratt. Yeah. We've had the Leader of the Opposition, Al Binessi on here. They're listening, right?
What are some issues facing your organisation politically? And I know everyone wants to stay on the good side of both sides, hedge your bets. But what are some of the issues that you can speak to that might help how you do things? Again, without sounding too apologetic for it, we're one of those services where both sides of politics understand the value of being supportive and being seen to be supportive of what we do. Because fundamentally, from a rural perspective, it doesn't matter what your constituency is or what side of politics you sit, those communities are our biggest advocates.
So we'd let a lot of that be done at that level. I think we've seen a lot of investment to try to upgrade infrastructure and we think that's probably the biggest assistance. Anything that enables better access by communities, enables us to provide more and better levels of healthcare. So often it's not saying, look, we're rent-seeking and the cap's out and give us more money. And that always helps.
And can I say that the Deputy Prime Minister is a very big fan and supporter of us. And certainly there are a number of members of Parliament on all sides of the House who have RFDS bases and a lot of staff that they look after.
But I think the key is we're trying to bang the drum around this inequity still that says your life expectancy is still largely determined by your postcode. And I think, as I said, they are wicked problems. They're not easy to fix. But I think using organisations like us, the NGO sector, to have that relationship with communities, that longer-term commitment. And I think if there was one thing that we could say that that type of long-term planning to have us at the table will make a big difference rather than the challenge we have as with many other government-funded entities that you're sort of subject to the rise and fall of the election cycle and budget cycles.
What are some of the preventable emergencies that you see? I mean, a lot of emergencies are preventable. In terms of preventable illness, what are some of those that you see in your vehicles and your aircraft?
Look, they fall into two categories. The standard fare of trauma and accidents, you know, farmers and miners and explorers can find many ways to injure themselves. And whether it's, you know, augurs, quad bikes or rogue animals, the other major problem is wildlife and not that that's a problem in and of itself, but the fact that people collide with them and they collide with people causes a lot of accidents on the roads.
Probably the biggest emerging risk is people with poorly treated and poorly managed chronic disease. The fact that the ageing workforce are having more and more heart disease and more and more diabetes and, as I said, in the last few years, in my experience, we've just seen this explosion in mental health needs and it being discussed more and more, which is something that's also changed, I think. Do you think that explosion in mental health needs could be a result of destigmatisation in the bush of people actually saying, you know, this is something I need to talk to a professional about?
Yeah, and like most good movements, it sort of started locally and it was people starting to have conversations with themselves. And I think as that became a little more saleable, then the ability to start to advocate about it. And I think everyone saw the impact of that prolonged drought, that prolonged drop off in economics of small communities and where it really hit home.
And we support a number of those programs that just work at the farm gate, that literally are people who, some of our mental health workers who will just sit in the ute with someone and have a chat. And a service like ours is quite non-threatening for people. So we try and have a lot of presence at things like machinery field days and shows and people will just come up for a chat. A lot of trust. And it's that idea of how do you sort of turn a conversation about the weather into a conversation about somebody's mental health need. And that's something that our service does very well.
Well, just on chronic illnesses, like as you were saying, there are a lot of people who have these chronic illnesses where the first time they ever meet the flying doctor is after they've had a heart attack in the sheep yards when they're drafting the weathers. What's the RFS doing to really change how these things are kind of viewed in the bush? You could build a hospital in Dubbo that would be the envy of every person in Denmark, but you're just not going to get the farmer there. What's the RFS kind of doing to change the attitudes of these farmers or these people in regional Australia? It's the same challenge anywhere, but particularly with people in the bush who have traditionally been the unworried, you know, unwell.
The short answer is there are things you can do from a secondary point of view that actually improves people's fitness and wellness without saying you've got to cut out the meat and ride the push bike around the boundary 10 times a day. Fundamentally, often that's about just better medication management, for example. Helping people self-manage, so taking their blood pressure. So it's about recognising the fact that you're not going to get people easily to stop smoking, to easily lose weight and easily change their diet. I mean, you could imagine the idea of getting Uber Eats delivered in Thargomindo is not an option for people, or cutting out access to meat. But what you can do is work with people to identify where improvements can be made, and a lot of that often is about making small changes that does have a significant difference. And it is intergenerational as well. So the younger guys and girls that are managing and operating and working in those communities do actually have a high degree of interest in being healthier and well. And our job is to really put the information there and the support there for people who want it, but not to shove it down their throat.
But having said that, a few weeks ago I got to go to a remote clinic and one of the locals there pulled me aside and he said, oh, there's a guy here who wants to talk to you, he's upset. You know, he's been donating 20 bucks a year for the last 30 years and he wants to give you a pull through over something. So I went and found this guy and he was in the pub, literally go and find him in the pub and he was having his counter meal and he said, I've just been to the flying doctor clinic and he gave me a dressing down over the fact that I was overweight and my diabetes is out of control and my blood pressure is through the roof.
And he tried to print off a diet sheet for me and the printer didn't work. And he told me that you blokes, you know, he's had an order in for a new printer for three months. And I said, right, we'll get onto that for you. And so he did. And he said, look, just to show you the problem, he said, I can show you exactly. And he gave me a bit of paper. And this was a diet sheet that had been caught up, you know, literally trapped in the bloody printer. And when he unwrapped it, it was, you know, here is your heart health diet.
And this guy was giving me a mouthful sitting in front of a plate of mixed grill chips and gravy. Covered in salt and pepper and, you know, a skewer.
And it was that thing of you just fix the service mode.
I'll look after the diet. Bless him, bless him. I'm sure you meet some characters every day. They're good for food. How many people will get picked up by the flying doctor today? Well, we see someone every two minutes.
And that largely covers everything from our retrieval emergency business through to our clinics. So the retrievals tend to be reasonably constant, but they can be seasonal. So, for example, you asked about, you know, what are some of the hazards when it rains and the grass grows?
In fact, that's a bigger problem. So we see more people coming off quad bikes and eating snags because they can't see. Running into bigger bulls. That's right.
And around events, again, we see a lot of intentional and unintentional trauma arising from those. But the main aim now is really to beef up our primary care and so that, you know, people don't require a flight to save their life. You know, the trauma will always be trauma. And we try to work with communities to minimise that. But ultimately, the aim is to try to keep people healthier.
Just one more question. What can everyday people do to help the Flying Doctor service operate on a day to day level? Look, two things.
I think they can always donate to us and we need that. So that still requires 30% of our revenue. And the reason that that's important is because governments fund us to do important work. But as I've talked about today, the type of need and the type of work we want to do actually extends beyond that. So we want to be able to do more of our own volition and not wait for government to put their hand in their pocket. So that enables us to move much more quickly and address problems of the day. The second is really, I think, to maintain that awareness about life in rural Australia and, you know, get out and enjoy it and maintain that interest and maintain that communication about why the bush is still really important to Australian life and lifestyle and what organisations like the Flying Doctors mean to those communities. So if you see us, you know, fundraising in Martin Place, come up and have a chat.
What is the best stretch of highway in Australia to land a PC-24 on? Oh, it has to be the Nullar Board, wouldn't it? Well, yeah, I can give you the phone a friend answer. I think the best bit of highway to land a PC-24 is the one that's closest to the patient, is probably how I'd answer that.
But there are, to your point, Clancy, you know, there are a number of stretches of road across the country that are and have been designed to be able to be used as strips in an emergency. And so occasionally as you drive across the country, you'll see those signs. And that's what they're there for. So generally, we've got outback strips and strips on property that, you know, are the go-to places. But if there's a major trauma or an emergency, you know, on a highway, there are sections that are identified and then the local police and emergency services will sort of swing into gear and light it up. And we go there.
Well, thanks for joining us today, Greg Sam. That was informative, Jan. And we hope that the listeners are, you know, tipping in.
Yeah, it doesn't take a local drive to do that in about a month's time. Everyone's going to be doing their tax and hope they hope they send a few bucks your way and don't send it all to the government to buy a new tank or something or another warship or or pay another government advisor. Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars to, you know, to do word documents, spreadsheets on how to make things more efficient.
Good on you boys. Thank you so much. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_garth_and_kat_sing_summer_vacation_songs_snl | Summer is almost here, and recent studies suggest that unlike previous years, more Americans are planning to go on vacation. that's why I'm so glad that my favorite songwriting duo is here to debut their new vacation-themed album. Please welcome Grammy award-winning Garth and Kat. did they forget they were coming again? Did this happen? We're coming. we're coming. we're coming.
I'm sorry. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. sorry about that. sorry. we're here.
We tried to leave early, but we just got our driveway redone, and our driveway is so long. it is so much longer than we didn't realize. we just. So, your driveway is longer now, so that's why I took you up?
Yeah, we didn't look at the plans. Okay. I was just worried. you forgot about this again. No way!
Absolutely over here. Okay. and, wait, was that right, that you guys just won a Grammy? Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, oh, we don't mean, like, the Grammy Grammys. Yeah, these are just words her grandmother gives out every year. Yes. we took a limo. I wore a gown. it was the whole thing. And we won. Thank you, Grammy. Okay, well, either way, I'm really excited to hear your new songs.
Now, are you ready? Are we ready? Absolutely. Yes, we're ready. If anything, we're over-ready. Yeah, over-ready. over-rehearsed even. Yes, that's possible. over-possible. Okay. well, you know, great.
Okay. okay, well, our first vacation song is called. it's called, come with me down to the Bahamas once again. One, two, three. come on out with me to the waterski. We're gonna waterski again and again. That guy over there sold us waterski. $59.99? I think that's about right. I would like to purchase that. Weeee! Waterski, Waterski, waterski. We're gonna have every single waterheel.
I'm gonna stop you guys there. that's your song? because you said you were prepared. Oh, that one might've been a little weird because that's more for kids, kind of, So. you said they were gonna be kids here. No, I didn't. do you have another song? you said that. Well, this is one for real. this is one you're gonna hear on the dance floor.
Yes, we love going dancing. Oh, yeah, where do you guys like to go dancing?
Mcclellan's! I'm sorry, where? Mcclellan's. Great, that's great. Mcclellan's.
So what's this song called? Okay, here we go. this song's called groove Around because that disco ball's gonna come down once again. And strobe lights don't scare me at all! Five, six, seven, eight. hey, ma'am. hey, ma'am. and the sun's down. I'm just gonna employ everybody. share it, don't spare it, man, ah. no, no, no, no, no. it's a hotel we checked into. it's a hotel we checked into. ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. yeah, yeah! yeah! the computer said. hang on, hang on, hang on. you guys, no, stop, stop. no one is going to be able to dance to that. Well, tell that to every radio station that's on.
Okay, stop it. none of those are real. none of those are real. you guys did not prepare anything. Again, it seems like the only thing you prepare when you come here are your vests. Well, it's just a coincidence. it just fits the theme. Yeah, we're actually on our way to a funeral. we're gonna wear these. Look, I think you need to come back when you were really ready.
No, please, Mr. Meyer! please! please, please! please, please! please, We came all the way from the Museum of Tolerance. it's so expensive now. it's really expensive. Guys, we're running out of time. Okay, just let's do, like, a thousand more songs. How about zero more? Yes. no, no, no, please! please, Mr. Meyer, please! please!
Fine. fine, just do one more. Okay, great. All right, this one even has music. Yes. ready? come with me to my hammock and drink from a coconut. See, this I like. don't want to do the dare playing on the ground?
Take it and it's gonna be first class, good class. That guy's a First class. that guy's a coach. What?
Oh, I knew it. I knew it.
Oh, boo-hoo! you gotta sit and gush! get back there! get back there! I'm telling you, we're gonna have a nice time. sitting up front with the pilots and eating a little bit of rum in New York. Garth and cat, everybody! Okay! I'm so glad you guys did! A good night. good night! good night! |
dropout | lebron_ditches_space_jam | They're destroying us. There's no way we stand a chance. The Monstars must have stolen their talent from the NBA players. Whoa! I think we should quickie-quickie-quickie-quickie the forfeit.
Gee, we're awful sorry we let you down, LeBron. Listen, I didn't come down here to get my butt kicked by a bunch of ugly Monstars. Yeah, come on, guys. Which is why I've decided next half to take my talents over to Moron Mountain to play for the Monstars. You're leaving us? But the game isn't over yet. It was a tough decision, but I came here to win, and let's face it, it ain't happening with y'all. Jesus, he's serious. LeBron, these guys are gonna enslave us if we lose. I'm sorry, man. I just can't pass up the opportunity to play with great athletes like Stegosaurus Man and the Purple Dude.
No one can match that talent. And what about our talent? What talent?
I've been carrying this whole team. I mean, your center is a canary and your point guard's got a speech impediment. Yeah, but we've got teams spittin' a bit, spittin' a bit, unity. Team y-y-y-unity don't mean squat when the only player you got over three feet tall is this racist-ass chicken.
I said, I said, boy. What'd I tell you about calling me that, man?
Hey, we might not be the tallest team, but as long as we've got your secret stuff, we can't lose. Secret stuff? Shit. I ain't number tap water. How could you do this?
All of Toontown is depending on you. Toontown? Toontown is a dump, man. I've been single-handedly keeping your Toon economy afloat.
But Lebron, you gave your word you would help us. Yeah, you know, I talked to my lawyer about that. Getting sucked down a golf hole does not constitute a legally binding agreement. Please, please, Ms. Lebron, sir. Don't leave us.
What do I worry about? Somebody say something? Look, uh, no hard feelings, all right?
What are y'all doing after the game? Being slave. Great. See you then. Go, Monstars.
Don't talk about my mama like that.
All right, you bad? You bad?
I'm about to knock the ground. Think of that. Hey, guys. It's me, Jamario Moon. The Cavaliers knew starting forward. I heard you guys might need some help. Aver's like five points a game last season. Who's ready to kick some Monstar butt? |
dropout | standing_up_for_yourself_as_a_woman_but_not_too_much | Thank you, Rekha. That was a very cute presentation.
Okay. Sure. You know what?
My presentation was many things. It was comprehensive. It was well-researched. It was thoughtful.
But one thing it wasn't was cute. I mean, I doubt you would use that word to describe any of the big men in here's work. So if you could refrain from using that word to describe my work, I would appreciate it. Thank you. Did that sound okay? Was I naggy or, like, bitchy? Maybe it didn't mean anything by cute.
I don't know. You know what? No.
I will not apologize. Women always have to apologize, and I'm not sorry. I'm a little sorry. I don't like yelling. It makes me feel bad.
But if I don't, who will? I'm leaning in. I'm taking up space. This is a strong woman thing to do.
But really, is it? I don't know. It might just be the male version of what the strong woman thing to do is. I don't know. Do you?
I just want to be, like, chill. But I don't want to be chill. The time for chillness is over. I feel like I've been talking for a really long time.
Can someone please stop me? Don't stop me! Can someone please stop me?
I think that... No, no, no. You don't get to talk for me. I didn't mean to take that out on you. It's just a lifetime of microaggressions. It just builds up, and it's not fair to lash out here. But you know what? You wouldn't know the difference between fair and unfair, would you? Because you're a big, stinky man. Yeah, I said it. Oh, that wasn't called for. I recognize that you use your power to amplify the voices of women. I think that's great, and I thank you for it. But no, thank you!
Okay? I'm leaving! Well... I don't have a thing left to say, but I left my stuff here, and I'm going to grab it, okay? Before I forget. Say goodbye to this. Am I going to get fired? You know what? I don't care.
I don't like this company anyway. Although, I'm sure most companies are like this, so...
I don't know what to do right now. Honestly, please don't fire me. Nothing seems to be right. Do I stand up for myself, or do I ignore myself? I really don't think there's any way that I could win. Wait!
I've changed my mind! If I'm not here, then that's one less woman in the workplace. I'm sorry that I called your presentation on 2018's line of kitten calendars cute. I accept and reject your apology. Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job, and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great! |
dropout | student_loan_std_s | I got mine when I was 18. I got them when I was 21.
Student loans. I contracted student loans at 19 and I'm one of millions. Almost half of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 22 are fiscally active. Many do not understand the risk they are taking when they contract a student loan. All of my friends were going to college. I just wanted to fit in. Now I have a degree in comparative philosophy, no job, and a full-blown case of student loans. Studies show that those infected with student loan debt are less likely to date regularly or have bed frames. Even if not exposed to student loan debt directly, they can be transmitted by legal marriage. I married the love of my life, except she didn't tell me about her student loan debt. Now it's our student loan debt. It is possible to lead a healthy, active, fulfilling life with student loan debt.
Just not for very long. I used to love cereal. Then I contracted student loan debt and now it's all I eat. I miss protein.
Student loans only get worse with time and can manifest in many ways. Studio apartments, having roommates well into your 30s, top ramen, and driving a car older than yourself. If you have been exposed to student loan debt, contact an accountant today. There is no cure for student loan debt and there is no hope.
So have rich parents. Have rich parents.
Or play the lotto. Hey, you never know. Paid for by the New York State Lotto. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Paid_Leave_Porter_Shocked_Angry_Boomer_Defends_PM_An_Oblivious_Vegan_M_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly Bulletin. What a fucking news cycle. We're dealing with a lot. We're dealing with an aged care Royal Commission. We're dealing with the start of the winter codes. Football is back.
And of course we've got these mounting allegations against high ranking staffers and ministers in Parliament House in regards to sexual assault and the like. I think rape's also been thrown around there. We've had press conferences with people denying these claims and we've also had a Prime Minister who's stopped viewing victims through the eyes of a father.
My name's Clancy Overall. Thank you for joining us. And my name's Errol Parkey. Yes, Clancy, you've been doing all of this while you've been dealing with the breakdown of your fourth marriage, is it? Yes, but we were married once before. So in terms of what you lot need to worry about, you know, this is my first radio, particularly not with this bull. I think he's just trying to recruit you to the movement, Clancy. He's trying to get you out bush and get house.
No, no, no, I'm all right, mate, I'm not going to stage four. Well, mate, if you're at a loose end this weekend, I'm going up into the scrub to shoot some feral cats. So, you know, just doing my bit for the environment. Ah, you know, I might, um... Look out for number five. Yeah, yeah, I might stay, I might keep to myself this weekend. What are you up to, Wendell? Fair enough. Not too much, mate. I've got the Muttaburrasaurus's bus trip down there to Bedory, so that should be a good bit of fun. Well, let's get into the news, shall we? Let's do it.
We'll start off with a story about the man responsible for robo-debt being horrified that people are asking him to prove his innocence. Yes, the big story of the week has been the Attorney General, paid leave porter, taking a few weeks paid mental health leave after facing questions about the rape allegations that were levelled against him. Yes, he came out on Wednesday afternoon trying to muster up crocodile tears and attacked the media for frenzied speculation, saying there's a precedent of innocent until proven guilty, except for when he wants to demonise welfare recipients by using computers to throw around wild accusations based on since disproven algorithms that they might owe the government money. Yes, as a lot of people pointed out in the comments, unfortunately the victims of robo-debt probably weren't able to take paid mental health leave when things got tough for them. Paul Byrne left another scathing comment saying, taking leave because you're in a world of hurt and need to lay low isn't mental health leave, insulting to those who legitimately need time for their mental health.
Yep, if only we could all slap the black dog button and get two eeks off, I think the world would be a bit better. I could have used it a few times over the last few years gentlemen, that's for sure.
And we'll get into a story about a man who's gone into bat for the government, give our PM a break, says Boomer, who will die of neglect in government funded aged care home. Another massive story this week which has been drowned out a little bit by the report into the aged care sector from the Royal Commission which basically made 184 recommendations, a lot of which surrounded things like proper funding, proper regulation and so on, things that Scott Morrison dodged talking about which drew a bit of criticism. But he got the support of Frank Rogerson, a 71 year old Cronulla local who ironically is not that far away from being left neglected and fed $6 worth of food a day in some nursing home. He came out to defend the PM from all the criticism and demand that people stop the lefty bullshit like demanding vulnerable elderly people be treated humanely in their final years. Yes, this next story we've got here would make Frank wild.
Local vegan completely unaware her domestic companion is now on a six possum kill streak. Yes, young West End earth child Kara says she's so committed to animal welfare that she doesn't even eat honey. When it comes to farmers, caged animals, etc, etc, she's made it very clear where she stands on the issues of animal rights. So much so that her pisshead uncles are now at the point where they don't even heckle her at Christmas anymore. Kara apparently doesn't seem to think that her cat's refusal to eat her $27 ethical vegan cat food may just have something to do with the distinct lack of native wildlife around her, which is probably part of the reason why I'm going up into the bush.
But hopefully I don't end up shooting someone's cat. I just want to shoot feral ones. But you know, this is what I'm trying to prevent. Yeah, mate, the bilbies and the possums like they fucking you know, yeah, this is why me and the lads go up into the bush and we and we protect the environment. Just doing your bit for native Australian fauna. Elise Corinne commented on that story, saying, stick to taking the piss out of people who deserve it, like the media or animal farmers.
Oooh, snowflake much? And here in Betuda, and a story from the property section, some grey haired sharks have waited until an auction is almost done to blow young couples right out of the water. We spoke to a young couple earlier this week who said for the fourth time this year they frantically went as high as they could on a shitty Local 3 better down in Betuda Heights before a couple of older property investors came in and just ended things with a bid that no one could outbid. Yes, the young man said to us, I thought about digging up the poly pipe buried under my parents' back lawn, getting the L1A1 out and giving it a real comprehensive service. Grease it up, make sure it's ready to go, filing down two mags of 7.62s and taping them end to end and having the thing down the side of my leg for the next auction. So if I get boomed again, you know what's going to fucking happen.
And he'll have stable accommodation for the next 20 or 30 years or so. Our final story is from South Betuda Polytechnic and a stable and well-adjusted woman has begun a psychology degree. Quite a landmark story.
Local girl Stephanie Holt told us this week that she's embarking on an exciting new career as she's always been interested in the human mind and behaviour, and not because she's trying to desperately understand herself better or was fascinated by perverse criminology. No, Stephanie is genuinely interested in helping her fellow humans solve complex mental issues, a stance that has made her a little bit of a pariah in her unit. There's always time to develop things, Stephanie, but good on you. Yeah, well, at least she's not talking about, you know, having to murder two people in cold blood at an auction because they've just outbid you on a shoebox in Betuda Heights.
Exactly right, Errol, a fair point. Anyway, that is the end of our weekly bulletin. Thanks for tuning in. And we'll be back again in seven days time and we'll talk to you then. Bye bye. |
dropout | bro_vs_brit_career_advice | So is it like double depressing going to work in England because not only you're going to work But also it's raining in gray cuz it's England Well, that's quite the assumption but yeah Hey my feet go up I Would start from the beginning And go in suited and booted but you're blank boots to an interview No, you know you wear a you know a nice pair of shoes Oxford's brogues. Is this a bro? This is a bro Yes, you walk on in handshake smile ready to go right and for us the handshake is a demonstration of dominance and power over the other person Nice to meet you. Oh my god, that's tough any any harder. You might crack a little bone in there You'll hear clicking in his hand. That means it's working So I just sit here and we just hold hands. Yes Till one of us lets go Ever since you said hold hands. This seems weird And I get the job How about we do a little role play awesome. Let's do it.
That's a wonderful suit. You're wearing Thank you. It's a lovely picture of your daughter. This is my daughter You don't look at pictures of my daughter here.
Just trying to you know, where do you see yourself in five years? great pension health dental 2.4 children. Oh my gosh. That was so boring. I Would see you dreaming bigger get people thinking big and they'll think you're big you say you and I We're gonna take this to the top. Have you seen the moon? over it being the social chair of events that are happening outside the office is Really where I shine and the way I do that is by snapping and pointing.
Do you have a drink? You have a drink. You have a drink Everybody has a drink.
I've done my job. Well, I always find that you know out of work activities You want to keep it platonic? So there's nothing quite like a good old game of football or soccer as you would call it Stripping off your skivvies and throwing them down as goalposts and then rubbing up against each other and people in your way You elbow them you punch them in the face break their nose if you have to and you've got the ball And you've scored the goal. You won the crowd are going crazy. You've got it. Yes With your co-workers |
cracked | iphone_delay_parody_from_cracked_com | We were departing Chicago en route to Newark, New Jersey when we got the call that our flight was going to be delayed three hours. Three hours for an hour and a half flight.
So, I took out my iPhone and I went to weather.com. I noticed that the storm clouds had passed by our field completely.
At which point I contacted Dispatch to let them know the news. Sure enough, about a half an hour later, they called us back and they said, You're clear to fly.
And then, the laughter started. At first it was just the one guy, and then I realized that he had the whole air traffic control tower on the speakerphone listening in. I'm laughing.
Somebody said, thanks for the weather update. It's not like we're a fucking air traffic control tower or anything.
Somebody else called me OY's one and asked me to explain the internet's real sarcastic like. And now everyone pretty much calls me.
The other day, one of those guys that directs the planes with the cones keyed my car right in front of me. He knew I was there. He was making eye contact with me the whole time.
Three hours for an hour and a half flight.
So, I took out my iPhone and I went to weather.com. I noticed that the storm clouds had passed by our field completely.
At which point I contacted Dispatch to let them know the news. Sure enough, about a half an hour later, they called us back and they said, you're clear to fly.
And then, the laughter started. At first it was just the one guy, and then I realized that he had the whole air traffic control tower on the speakerphone listening in. I'm laughing.
Somebody said, thanks for the weather update. It's not like we're a fucking air traffic control tower or anything.
Somebody else called me OY's one and asked me to explain the internets. Real sarcastic like. And now everyone pretty much calls me.
Eye fag.
The other day, one of those guys that directs the planes with the cones keyed my car right in front of me. He knew I was there. He was making eye contact with me the whole time. |
SaturdayNightLive | melissa_saturday_night_live | And Ditch Films, Brian Gold's office.
Okay, are you stopping at a Pinkberry? Okay, get me a medium, play with blueberries. Okay, bye.
I know what I mean. And if they put you on the cover of Esquire, we're halfway there. Yeah, that'd be awesome.
Hi, we have a one o'clock with Brian. Zach Braff is here to talk about his next film.
Okay, I'm Brian's assistant, Melissa, and he's gonna be a minute, so you can't just grab a seat. do you want a water? Sure, I'll have one, thank you. Okay, do you want a water? as well, yes.
I have a feeling Mr. Gold's gonna love this idea. Are you kidding me? fish out of water? guy? meeting a bunch of weirdos? It's incredible. I know.
Here you go, can you help me open the bottle, too? Okay, sure. you're so strong with your hands. I like that you're humble about that. Hey, um, Zach? yes, Melissa? um, I think you're a genius. Oh, thank you, that's very nice of you.
Yeah, I'm really down to earth. I'm like Hank Azaria. how much longer do you think Brian's going to be? Oh, it will just be a couple of minutes. me and Brian are like best friends. I guess he's the only one around here who's normal.
Well, we have a meeting in Culver City, so. Okay, do you want a water?
I haven't finished this one yet. Okay, yeah. by the way, did you get any word on me being in Spider-man 3? I'm pretty sure that one's been out for two weeks already.
So you're not even gonna call. No, I'll make the call.
Okay, good. Okay, Zach? yeah? what could I. you're dirty. that's not me, though. I know. I made it. I knew you were coming.
I'm just gonna call Brian, So. hey, Zach. yeah? What animal is this? I don't know, is it a cat? no, it's a mountain lion. you do I. Melissa, Zach and I need some ketchup talk, so do you mind? Oh, ouchie. should we just go, maybe? Hey, Zach. yeah? can I tell you a secret? Sure, go ahead. do you ever think about having sex with me?
Zach, Sandra. Melissa, why don't you tell me that we're here?
Oh, hi, Brian. do you want a water? no! come on, guys. sorry about that. go ahead, guys. just give me one second. All right. You know, Melissa, there is something that I want, and it's not water. Do you want a vitamin water? No. I want you. No! |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_men_your_mom_dated_before_your_dad_ | The perfect date. Let me think. So we're starting at Legoland and then I guess we're ending at Legoland.
I often find women aren't intimidated by my confidence and my sword. I write many poems. I have one of my poems here. This one's called Heart Hair.
Yes, I am an astronaut. I don't really care about my job. I'm much more passionate about the jazz harp. I think I would be good with kids because I'm good with pets. I have a termite.
I'm looking for a woman who loves adventure and loves to laugh. I'm looking for a woman with a buzz cut and a double chin. If you are an artist type, if you are a creative who loves to express themselves, you are not my type. I love all types of women.
Black, light black. I whittle. I whistle. I tell riddles.
I am an inquisitive type. I love learning. I love to learn. Once I learned my parents loved horsey play and so I wish I never learned that. I do have a bit of a soft spot.
If you were to have, if you wanted, if you cannot handle me at my, if you were to want to have, if you were to handle me at my work, if you were wanted. I find most people don't remember their sixth grade teacher's name or when they were a sperm or zygote. I do. I remember. I, I'll never forget.
Swimming around, sort of, blasting. |
cracked | great_superpowers_are_a_huge_pain_in_the_ass_antiheroes_episode_1 | The corpse was found dead in its home, murdered by killers. Cops policed the area. Death. And earlier today, a jury of his peers voted unanimously to clear Brad Industry's CEO, Brad Genetosphere Jr., of all charges involving the murder of beloved philanthropist Joshua Kindwell, despite the evidence that...
And a small comment, B1 CEO, BG2, will pass by tonight coming closer to Earth than the moon's orbit. Experts are sure of no danger and say the best view is from right here in the city state of the United States. Okay team, gather round. Or stay in your seats, that's fine.
Nothing new tonight, but our numbers are still down, so please just get on those phones and really make those calls, please. Not if you don't say please. That's funny. Seriously though, we are the only debt collection agency that calls people around bedtime. Our numbers should be through the roof because we have zero competition. But now I've got the boss man breathing down my neck, and I don't want to get chewed out for something that you all did. But we haven't done anything, I thought that was the problem. I'm with you Tim, you said please. Ken, please, I don't need your help. If we could all just agree that tonight, we're going to work hard. Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money they don't have?
If you phrase it differently than that, then yes, you can't smoke in here. See, it's weird, that's what I thought at first too. But it turns out it's really easy, and I can, so unless you want me to go up on the roof. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, that weird eclipse thing is happening tonight. We should all go to the roof. You can't smoke on roofs, roofs. It's against the law.
Ken, I don't need your help, man. You, if you want to smoke, go behind the electro nuclear plant next door. Yes, and then we will come right back and make those calls, huh? Please, you're welcome. Ken, you can feel free to go too, I know you don't like being here alone.
No, I'll stay, boss, I hate eclipses. Why?
Don't worry, I'm going to make quadruple the phone calls for you, okay? It's unreasonable, Ken. We're going to get those numbers up, boss! Hello? Yes, I'm calling about a debt. This call may be recorded for quality assurance, and first I would like to start by just confirming who the hell do you think you are, Mr. Lumberman? We've been trying... Yes, I've realized what time it is. I'm not the biggest idiot in the world. But look, you... You have a sizable amount, and I've called you at least 13 times now, and I've yet to receive any...
You can't treat people like that. I'm sorry, I know it's a little off script, but I... I feel like if I'm nice, they walk all over me, you know?
Yeah, yeah. But hey, I'll give it a shot, boss! Like how you handle the team meetings! I'm in charge.
You know, I bet if I did everything different in my life, up until right now, I'd be an astronaut. Me too. Me too, for sure. All right, assholes, listen up. I forgot what I was going to say. We just got superpowers. Me too. For sure. Oh, guess who can heal himself now? Still hurts, but hey. So is that all of them? I can travel through time. You were right, Melinda.
We call people at their most tired, and we harass them for money. We are villains. We are... We are the scummiest thing I can think of.
Sewer, funniest, butt mucus. You are. Oh, all right.
Well, we're not villains, and we're not going to work here forever. But we are also not heroes. But now, with these gifts, we could be the opposite of not heroes. Heroes.
Would this help or confuse me, do you think? No opinion. Time travel is very dangerous. Okay, I'm going again. Wait, how is this the opposite of not heroes? I gotta learn to hone my skills, right?
This is actually pretty crazy. Yeah, your nose is actually pretty bleeding. This happens.
Jim's dead. I didn't think I'd ever say this, but maybe we should get back to work, get on the phones, make some calls.
Yes, but nobody uses their powers for any reason. No. Nobody tells anybody about the powers for any reason.
Oath.
Don't touch me. Sorry. All right, break's over, team. And we're back. Whoa. Good God.
No news of any effects of the recent eclipse.
More as a story develops. Next time on anti-heroes, Ken's asking questions.
Don't worry, nobody saw us. I saw everything. Mr. President, watch out!
You're no heroes, you're like the opposite. Whatever that word is, not villain, it's some other word. And a small comment, B1 CEO, BG2, will pass by tonight coming closer to Earth than the moon's orbit. Okay, team, gather round. Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money they don't have? If you phrase it differently than that, then yes. If you want to smoke, go behind the electro nuclear plant next door.
I feel like if I'm nice, they walk all over me, you know? Yeah. All right, assholes, listen up. We just got superpowers. Me too. For sure. |
dropout | The_City_s_Best_Restaurants_That_Are_Nearby | Hey everybody, it's me, Katie Marovitch, a serious foodie. Join me as I eat my way across Los Angeles, tasting the best food the city has to offer. This is The Food Adventurer! First up, let's take a look at my favorite place for breakfast, Soleil French Bistro. I actually work right above Soleil French Bistro, so you can believe me when I say it's very convenient for me to eat here. Let's go meet the head chef now, come on! Joining me now is Soleil French Bistro head chef, Shane Crown. Shane, thank you so much for being here.
How do you bake such flavorful cheese danishes? Yeah, we don't actually make those here, those just came from a package, but I did open them up.
I love that! I love that you're just downstairs. Soleil French Bistro also has my favorite fruit cups in all of Los Angeles. The fruit just comes cut up like that, I think they're mostly fresh though. It's so convenient I don't even care!
Let's see what else this incredible city has to offer. Next up, we'll take a look at my favorite sandwich spot, come on! Am I good? I've lived in this incredible food paradise for five years, so I've had plenty of time to scope out the sandwich scene, oh thank you! And let me tell you, the best sandwich place is The Coffee Lounge, which is located down the block from my office. They offer this incredible turkey and cheddar sandwich, mmm. And I'm certainly not exaggerating when I say it takes me less than five minutes to walk here.
The Coffee Lounge offers some of the best international food in the city. For instance, they have a falafel platter, a pasta salad, and sometimes even a California roll. The Coffee Lounge technically doesn't deliver, but sometimes they make an exception, like if you tell Jonathan the cashier that you're having a really rough day and he agrees to bring your food to the lobby. Of course, a culinary trip to LA wouldn't be complete without a stop at one of our incredible Mexican restaurants. Tito's Taqueria in Marina Del Rey has the absolute best tacos.
Oh no, that's super far away.
My search for the best food in LA brings me right back to Soleil French Bistro. Now this is going to be super convenient, because after this I will ride the elevator up to my 4 p.m. meeting. Soleil French Bistro has some of the best meals in the city. From their Caesar salad, to their Greek salad, to their chopped salad, there really is something for everyone. But make sure you save room for dessert, because they offer two types of cookies. And at 6 p.m. I know exactly where to go for the best happy hour in the city. That's right, it's Soleil French Bistro.
Uh, actually we don't serve alcohol. We close at 7. Soleil French Bistro does not serve alcohol, and also they close promptly at 7 p.m.
But they're so close that I'm still going to recommend it. Well, this has been another episode of the LA Food Adventure...
Katie? What are you doing here? Why aren't you at work? Sam, just mind your own business. Do you review salads now? Is that what we have you do?
I'm going to talk to Trap. Trap, I think she's doing it again. Hi, it's me, child actor Katie Marovitch.
If you like college humor and you want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a pack of animal stickers per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live on the Dropout Discord. And exclusive content such as full episodes of my big girl show, The Rank Room.
Invisible identical twins. What's your question? How do you know they're identical? If they're invisible.
Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done, I want my mommy now. Bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Melbourne_Victoria_Pauline_Ghislaine_10_07_20 | Well, it's great to know that we are taking this second wave seriously in Victoria and they have banned AFL journalists from joining the teams in the hubs in New South Wales and Queensland which, in my personal opinion, is fucking funny. What have we got up first in the News Bulletin this week, Wendell? We're gonna start off with the biggest story of the week and that is Melbourne's security guard fucks entire city.
Really boosting his numbers there. Yeah, you could tell he's completely fucked the state and the border towns too.
Talking, of course, about the privately hired security guards who allegedly slept with some infected quarantinas in the hotels. Yes, the biosecurity breach has played a huge part, apparently, in the highly publicised second outbreak down there in Melbourne. This has led Premier Daniel Andrews to admit that maybe they shouldn't have given so much responsibility to blokes being paid $70 an hour cash in hand for a dodgy private contractor that was given 24 hours notice that they would be in charge of quarantining the second biggest city in Australia.
Yeah, who would have thought that would end badly?
Now, we'll move on to our next story, which is from the same part of the world and police on the New South Wales-Victorian border have been quizzing motorists by asking them to identify deep-fried potatoes. Yes, that's right, called a potato scallop and you will be granted safety into New South Wales. They call it potato cake and it's bye-bye, back to coronaville. A simple yet very effective test. I know that when I was growing up in Hong Kong, we referred to them as potato pucks. I know in deep-fired North Queensland, they call them potato risoles, which is just classic.
Some interesting little cultural quirks there. Now, a bit of international news to break things up and Ghislaine Maxwell has asked her guards why her jail cell has been covered in plastic and left unlocked. I believe it's pronounced Ghislaine. Very confusing. Yes, the girlfriend and alleged accomplice of the late notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein has been arrested and upon her arrival to the New York jail cell, she said she was surprised at the strange treatment she received.
Yes, given that she's going to start naming names now that she's no longer protected, I think it's fairly safe to say there's a few people who might want her dead. Maybe a certain ex-president of the United States, maybe a current president of the United States, maybe a prominent media baron that owns 70% of the Australian media market through print and Sky News television. We'll just have to wait and see.
Next up and back into the international news and the Prime Minister has offered up some advice for the nation's younger people. He said, the sooner young people understand that they're fucked, the sooner they'll be happy. Sage advice, I think. Take note, Wendell. Scott Morrison has quelled the fears of the Australian working and middle-class youngsters who continue to raise concerns about their future, given the recession and potential depression that's about to cripple most of their hopes and dreams.
Well, there is certainly some merit to the idea of finding happiness in whatever circumstances you find yourself in, but I just want to say the new housing estate out there at Petuda Heights, Euston Park, I think you can get yourself a block of land for $150, a brand new home on that land for about $400. There's work out there too, there's services, there's also a life. Yes, and there's a boat ramp within at least 100 kilometres, so if you're going to complain about that kind of life, then I don't know what'll make you happy. There are plenty of dolphins to shoot in Lake Petuda too. Get yourself the triple garage way of life.
Now, we'll finish the week with a local story and a local woman, budging off taxpayer dollars, has hit out at other welfare recipients. This local woman being Pauline Hanson, who decided to go on the Today Show to call the locked-down Melbourne Tower residents drug addicts and illiterate bludgers who can't speak English in what was a strong effort to try and get another term's worth of taxpayer salaries at the next election. Yes, a tried and tested formula for Pauline. She has been kicked off Channel 9 for these comments, but as we reported, she's since found a new job at the home of white middle-class racism Studio 10. So you pair those paid appearances with the money she receives as a senator in the federal upper house, and we have a highly paid woman who is in no way, shape or form representative of the working class she claims to support.
I think, personally, it's time to poison the trough. A strong note, and I think that's one that we'll finish on.
Thanks for tuning in. We'll be back again in seven days time to bring you your weekly dose of honest, hard-hitting regional news. Hooroo from the Channel Country.
Slum it, my love, my friends. Goodbye. |
TheOnion | Is_Bernie_Sanders_Too_Old_To_Be_The_Next_James_Bond_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_30 | Trouble for Bernie Sanders today after a new poll shows many Americans are taking issue with his age. Is the Senator too old to be the next James Bond?
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Everything is pretty much the same as it was yesterday, except for a few small differences, and we're going to break down every last detail of them.
Stay with us. Doctors without borders. Maybe you've heard of it? They actually help people. Unlike you. What have you ever done for anyone else? Selfish.
But if you download CashApp and use Promo Code Topical, CashApp will donate $10 to Doctors Without Borders to help them help other people. Oh, and guess what? CashApp will also give you $10, because they know you won't do anything for anyone else unless you get something out of it, too. So go ahead, you narcissistic sociopath. Download CashApp and use Promo Code Topical today.
How old is too old? That's the question posed by a new Gallup poll out today that shows an increasing number of Americans believe Bernie Sanders is too old to be the next James Bond. The poll said that 6 out of 10 Americans are skeptical of an octogenarian carrying out the duties of MI6's most daring spy, and even more said that they weren't positive that the Vermont senator could last for more than one film installment in the iconic franchise.
OPR political entertainment reporter Marcy Hammond has been covering the new poll, and she joins us now. Hello. This is the question on everyone's mind.
Should Sanders be concerned that his age might ultimately keep him from shooting bad guys and seducing gorgeous women while wearing a tight-fitting tuxedo? I think this poll should worry Sanders, definitely. People just aren't confident he's physically up for the demands of being 007. From brawls atop high-speed moving trains, constantly getting thrown through windows, to being tied naked to a chair and having your balls whipped, a lot of people just think it would be too much for the senator to handle. But to be fair, the role of James Bond isn't all physical. In fact, one could argue it's primarily mental and largely ceremonial. Well, that's been a main counterargument from Sanders supporters when his age is discussed. They're quick to remind you that being James Bond isn't just about hand-to-hand combat with an eight-foot-tall man with steel teeth, but mostly about planting explosive briefcases by your enemy's restaurant table or simply just walking the beach shirtless. But is that argument enough to ease the fears that Sanders no longer has the strength to hold onto a damsel in distress with one hand while holding onto a rope attached to a helicopter flying through the air with the other? Not as much as Sanders would probably hope. The poll showed that beyond concerns about Sanders' physical well-being, nearly 50 percent of Americans worried that his mental acuity would slip with age and result in him possibly forgetting complex fault codes or blanking on where he left his gun during a critical mission. I'm sure his heart attack in late 2019 doesn't help either. Right, and the Sanders camp knows that. That's why they've been putting out videos on social media over the past few months of Sanders leaping across building tops and ejecting himself from cars, zig-zagging through Rome at dangerous speeds. They want to show that the senator is up for whatever mission MI6 sends him on.
Now, couldn't they also bring up the fact that at age 57, Roger Moore was the oldest James Bond of all time when he filmed A View to a Kill, and he's generally regarded as one of the best Bonds ever? True. Older can be better. But even if they manage to whip out a script and rush into production right now, Sanders would be well into his 80s by the time the second film came around. I think it's the sentiment of a lot of people that if Bernie really wanted to be James Bond, then his best bet was in 2016 when No Time to Die was casting. Right.
I'll be curious to see how this all shakes out. Personally, I think it's time a woman plays the role of Bond. I know I wouldn't mind watching Amy Klobuchar punch Rami Malek in the mouth. That would be pretty entertaining.
That's OPR's Marcy Hammond. Thanks, Marcy.
Well, it's the big question that has plagued scientists for decades, but today it's looking like we might finally have some answers. Earlier this week, a team of researchers at Miami University released an historic study explaining why Doritos bags have their bright, distinctive coloring. To help shed some light on their extraordinary findings, we're joined by OPR's Morgan DeMott.
Hello, Morgan. Hi, Leslie.
Now, I've always wondered this myself, so tell us, why exactly are Doritos bags so colorful? Well, to put it simply, Doritos bags developed their signature neon hue in order to warn potential predators that consuming them could kill them. Over time, through evolution and natural selection, they acquired their loud coloring to notify scavengers that the chips contained inside them contain high concentrations of dangerous poison, the consumption of which could potentially be lethal. Fascinating. Were researchers surprised to discover this? Yes. It actually debunked a lot of long-held theories on Dorito pigmentation. Before this study, many thought that the Doritos were using their coloring either to attract mates or to camouflage themselves, similar to how Sprite uses its transparency to blend in with its background. It wasn't until the last few years of the study that researchers were able to rule out these possibilities and discover the truth, that the brighter the bag, the more toxic they are. Here's how the study's lead researcher, Boris Petrov, explained it. Varieties like Jack Dranche dipped hot wings or Doritos collision blaze and ultimate cheddar are contained in incredibly bright and elaborately patterned bags.
This is in order to send the warning to predators that eating them will certainly lead to instant incapacitation and put one at an extremely high risk of death. Oh yikes, keep those ones away from me. So would researchers say this has been an effective survival strategy for Doritos? Overall, yes. Doritos have been able to spread to nearly every corner of the 7-Eleven ecosystem thanks to this. But again, according to Petrov, this method isn't entirely foolproof. Most species are smart enough to correctly interpret the signals and avoid dangers. Others, however, like humans, lack the intelligence to do so and are actually attracted to the fluorescent coloring. Now, they, in turn, will eat them and end up doubled over, riddled with nausea and extreme pain and, in some cases, dead. This is why we always say that although these chips might look beautiful, remember, don't get too close. It's for your own safety. Good advice there.
OPR's Morgan DeMott reporting. Thank you, Morgan. Thank you, Leslie.
Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? Well, believe me, I know what you're going through.
That's how I feel every time I walk into this goddamn studio. This place is a prison built of my own volition and I desire nothing more than to burn it to the ground.
But that's why I want to tell you about BetterHelp. BetterHelp will match you with your own licensed professional therapist so you can receive professional counseling securely and online. You'll get timely and thoughtful responses, plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions. BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. It's also more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available, which is good for me because I'm definitely getting fired soon. And with this special offer for topical listeners, you can get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash topical. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P slash topical. BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier life today.
Oh, God, is it five o'clock yet? Just because these stories are at the end of the show doesn't mean they're any less important. We just have a lot less to say about them. Here's what else you need to know today.
Climate experts are warning that global warming could cause a dangerous increase in songs of the summer. A new report released today estimates an annual increase of three to four Post Malone tracks by the year 2024 alone.
In Des Moines, Iowa, a police officer on desk duty was placed on unpaid leave after brutally beating a filing cabinet drawer that wouldn't shut when the officer told it to. And lastly, a new report found that everything is slightly worse than it was yesterday. And yes, you guessed it, it's going to be even worse tomorrow.
And that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed hearing the news today, don't forget to like and subscribe wherever you get your podcast. And if you didn't enjoy it, you might want to start thinking about what else in your life you're taking for granted and how different it would be if one day it all just disappeared. Just like that. Anyway, just food for thought. See you tomorrow. |
dropout | the_guy_who_has_never_seen_or_heard_of_anything_hardly_working | Hi, Emily. I'm Tedward from IT. Uh, something up with your computer here? Hi, Tedward. Um, it's running really slow.
Oh, okay. Well, I'll just run a quick virus scan. Do you mind? Oh, of course. Absolutely.
So how was your weekend? Good!
I saw Lone Survivor. Haven't heard of that one. It's the movie based on the Navy SEAL story with Mark Wahlberg. Huh? Mark Wahlberg. No idea.
He's the guy from Boogie Nights and The Fighter and The Departed. The Departed. No, The Departed?
With Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio? These are friends of yours. They're actors. You've seriously never heard of Leonardo DiCaprio?
No. He's the guy from Titanic? No. Very famous movie about the sinking of the Titanic? No. National tragedy.
The ship that sank. Ships. Being. You're not familiar with ships? For when you sneeze. Uh, ships. Like boats. Stop. Boats. Boats that float on water.
Oh. I know water. Okay. Like in my bottle. That's just a Coke bottle full of colored sand.
Did you come from a carnival? I'm sorry. Can we talk about something else?
Computers. Right. Duh.
This is your thing. What's your favorite website? Help With The Globe. Is that a website? What? Like Google, Facebook, YouTube. I don't follow sports.
Do you like cats? Hmm? Do you even know what cats are?
Dog. You said dog. You know what dogs are though.
I haven't seen that one. So. I'm very concerned for you. I'm sorry? Are you done with my computer yet? Oh yeah. Uh, everything should be in order. Great.
Thank you. Thank you, said word. Thank you.
Wait. All you did was change my background to a jpeg of a carrot. Was a carrot. |
dropout | behind_the_scenes_of_donald_trump_s_twitter | Yeah, they're usually the same size. One's bigger than the other right now.
I don't know, look at the pump. Look it up and call it back.
Okay everybody, alright. Mr. Trump needs to write some tweets for tonight.
I guess the failing New York Times has a poll that's showing us down. Sad.
I know, I know, I know. But that's what this Twitter office is for. Combating all that bullshit reality.
Nicknames, what do you got? Mostly nicknames for potential running mates for Crooked Hillary.
Anything as good as Lion Ted?
Got it. Bitterness, what are you working on? Nothing today. What? You mean there's nobody we can have a disproportional reaction to a minor insult from?
We've been back to that well a lot. It's running a little dry. Sue, come on.
Our base is angry. We have to show them that Mr. Trump is upset about the same petty nothingness that they are.
A bartender shortchanged him in 2003.
We haven't done anything with that. Let's light him up. Now, retweets. What are we working on? Uh, same thing as always, right?
I'll retweet people who say nice things about Trump and Ed. You're right, and retweet mean things people say in Ed.
Not really. That's great. Why do we do that? What? Well, why do we even retweet the bad stuff? I mean, doesn't that just give it a bigger platform?
It's so we can fight. Mr. Trump's Twitter is about fighting.
Get out.
Sad.
Okay, let's find a poll that only has us losing by five. Bruce, see if we can get some more pictures from New York of Mr. Trump in his weird, small office. Uh, Mary, can we keep putting the word the in front of it when we talk about minorities, the blacks, the Hispanics? The overweights.
Perfect. That's great.
Now, insults. You are the lifeblood of this Twitter. What do you have for me?
The governor of New York is a joke lame. Warren Buffet is old.
Disgusting. Labor unions are corrupt. Gross.
Wendy's prices are going up.
Boo. Corn gets in your teeth. Darn.
I need it to be about the failing New York Times. They're showing us losing. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Sully | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today, I'll be discussing Sully, Clint Eastwood's dramatic portrayal of Captain Chesley Sullenberger's heroic emergency landing on the Hudson River, but also a sadly one-sided recounting that ignores the geese who were tragically killed in the turbines of US Airways Flight 1549. Although Eastwood deftly depicts the struggles of Captain Sullenberger and the other people in the film, the same cannot be said for the geese, whose horrifying deaths occupy so little screen time, they seem almost erased from a story that actually concerns them as much as the human characters, if not more so. Who were these geese? Did they have goslings? How did their flock pick up the pieces after such a sudden, senseless tragedy? These questions aren't even asked in the course of this movie. The fact that these geese will never migrate south or bob around in a pond again seems more than a little inconvenient for the filmmakers, who are clearly determined to tell a feel-good tale of survival and heroism at all costs. There are indeed uplifting moments in Sully, but the film is haunted by the untold stories of the lives lost. The audience never learns that no effort was made to save the geese or even recover their bodies, that the loved ones of the geese were left to mourn and search for answers all alone.
I believe it is the responsibility of a filmmaker not to sugarcoat or distort or ignore the truth, but to reveal it. Mr. Eastwood, if you will not acknowledge the souls lost on January 15th, 2009, then I will. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_will_google_glass_catch_on | The people who say Google Glass is stupid were the same people who said the iPad was stupid. And those people are me. I was stupid. Google Glass is gonna fail harder than the segue. I'd give it a year before Will Arnett wears one in a sitcom to show that his character is a douchebag. Yeah, I might wear a Google Glass once in a while, but I'd only get the Google Frames without the Google Prescription so that I can go to Google Parties and people think I'm Google Smart. People say they're not gonna use it because it looks stupid, but that's the dumbest reason not to embrace the future. You already look stupid. I just think they need to make them a lot more subtle looking because right now it's basically a big neon sign that says, I'm rich and I'm super distracted, please rob me.
How is Google gonna come out with a piece of eyewear and not call it googly eyes? They've got 24,000 people working there and no one comes up with googly eyes?
Come on! So apparently the way you turn on voice activation with Google Glass is to go, okay Glass, I'm really hoping that the way you turn it off is by going, okay Glass. Can Google Glass be used for porn? I think it can. This is like a free idea for pornographers, the first POV porn shot with Google Glass. I'm not a pornographer, I can't take advantage of that, but like someone out there should do that. It's just like a million dollars waiting to be found. I'd say that Google Glasses is gonna revolutionize pornography, but I don't know if it's safe to use in a bubble bath yet.
I'm told you can take a picture by winking, which means I'm gonna have a lot of pictures of women at the gym looking repulsed. You winked to take a picture? How creepy is that? How do you take a video, like this?
People are only interested in Google Glass as an abstract sci-fi concept. They always say, it's the future, that's where culture is going. What they don't say is, I would like to buy one. Right, so the next time I'm at Yosemite National Park, what I want is an ad that says, we see you like beautiful vistas, perhaps you'd like to shop for North Base jackets. Google is like, hey, this is gonna bring people closer together, but the only thing that's gonna happen is people are just gonna like look through each other, pass their souls into an article about Snooki. Google Glass is so much less rude than like checking your phone during a conversation because you can just kind of casually look to the side and casually yell a command.
Tweets! Read me tweets! Also, you're going back to school, that's, that's, tweets!
That's a lot of money, like student debts and stuff, I don't know if it's worth it. Kakarot! My unread emails are over 9,000! Ahhhhh! |
cracked | after_hours_why_time_travel_wouldn_t_work_for_everyone | It's not magic. It's ostensibly magic! I mean, I can't explain it. You can't explain it.
No, I think I could, generally speaking. Okay, fine. All right. Pretend I'm a medieval peasant and explain this to me. Yeah, okay.
Let's see. Hail, traveler. Hail? What is that, a joke?
Yes, and I have just the thing to help you pass the time while you sit there. Behold, the cellular phone. Hold on, bros. My ears are around here some ways. Let me find it, sock an ear. Right off the bat, I feel like you're pitching this to the wrong guy. Okay, this allows you to talk to anyone, anywhere.
It can also help you look up the cure to... I don't want to say leprosy. Syphilis. Is that not reading? No, sure.
Okay, it's a way for everyone in the world to be interconnected on the same device, with no cord. Wait, you need a cord to charge the battery. Okay, a battery is like a power source that uses nickel with electrons.
I'm with you so far. Really? Okay, so there are these invisible wavelengths that come from satellites. Nope. Towers. You know, I can't remember which. Maybe it's easier if I just start with two dots and work outward. There's a... Look, there are some precious metals inside. Just break it open with a rock. See? Magic. Basically just another medieval peasant with a glass brick.
We'd end up sharing the same disease gutter, mixing up our noses in no time. Hey, you know what could be fun? Knowing only what you know now, currently, and with your skill sets. What point in history would you time travel to to use those abilities to become rich and famous?
Huh. Well, this is humiliating. Really?
No. One of us is an expert in anything useful? No. I go to the Wild West. No.
Earlier, colonial times, and sell them cures for diseases. What makes you think you could cure a disease? Not cure a disease. Sell them cures for diseases.
You know, mix a bunch of s*** in a bottle and a hock it. Oh. Snake oil salesmen. Or if they had had snakes back then sore. And the point is, I'm privy to 200 years of scams. All these Plymouth Rock rubes are green to it.
So what happens when none of your cures work? They would kill you. Would they, though? Did you know?
There was a doctor in the early 1900s who claimed he could cure impotence by sewing goat testicles into your body. Not connecting them to veins. Not even like putting them where testicles should be the scrotum. But just like shoving them in there.
Wherever they'd fit. I mean, this dude got rich because everyone was either too embarrassed or dead to complain. I could do that. And if the heat ever came down, they'd just roam from town to town.
You know, drifting, scrounging for food. A grifter. Drifter. Occasional sifter.
It's not like they have some roaming legal force that goes between the colonies. They couldn't even keep track of an entire population that disappeared.
So you're saying that if somebody gave you a time machine, the first thing that you would think of is how to kill naive people for profit? Convincing them to kill themselves.
Yeah. Well, I haven't worked out all the details. But if you don't like that, the point is there's a whole universe of pyramid schemes and short cons and timeshares and Nigerian princes out there to keep me in the money. I just have to keep changing up my hustle. Okay, well, I prefer not to make my money by hustling my ancestors.
So I'm going to the Age of Discovery. Bon voyage.
Wait, but you don't know how to sail. But do you know how to sail? Of course you know how to sail, you f***er.
I don't actually, but I don't need to because in the Age of Discovery, there were still huge parts of the world that as far as Europe was concerned were just completely dark. They didn't know much about the Pacific or they're still kind of hazy on North and South America too. I wouldn't have to be able to draw that well to bang out a sketch of the Asian coast and be like, hey, you see that little island right there? That's Japan. They're lousy with silver and they don't know how to sail. You can get there by hugging this little pokey bit called Argentina.
Trade winds, straights of Sorin, etc. You'd need royalty to fund your expeditions though. Do you really think you could time travel and then immediately get an audience with a king or a queen? No, I wouldn't need it. Back then, rhetoric journals were worth more than gold to pilots. I wouldn't even have to step on a boat. I could sell those things out of bars and brothels, and when my maps start checking out and all these boats start coming back filled with goods, I'd be knighted in no time. All thanks to middle school geography. Maybe I'd invent the Panama Canal. Yeah, but eventually they'd be curious as to why you knew so much about the world and absolutely nothing about boats.
That's too much like sorcery. They'd burn you with the steak with me.
Whoa. Whoa, what?
You didn't even do yours yet. Come on, let us tear it down together. You guys realize that this isn't a great game for me, right? Sure, because...
It's a short hair. It's a dyed hair. You can't travel with dyed hair.
Is it time travel, like an upper body thing? It might be the strength. Okay, so for me to be successful, I would have to introduce people to an idea that they've never heard of before. When women do that, history has a way of either stealing the idea from them or being convinced that it's black magic and then murdering them. I mean, time travel is just exclusively a white guy fantasy.
No, come on. Not always.
I mean, you could go to the Renaissance and shock them. Witch. I would be a witch. Or the height of the Roman Empire. Introduce aqueducts. Witch. I would be a witch again.
Yeah, sorry. Okay, modern history. 1920s, right before the stock market crashes.
You... What?
It wouldn't be like a witch in the 20s, but it's still kind of iffy for an autonomously wealthy female inventor. Jesus. No, definitely not Jesus time. I mean, 1 AD is terrible for women. There were a lot of throwing rocks in those ancient deserts. Okay, fine. So when in history was it safe for a woman to invent something extraordinary? 1981.
Yeah, and then I would just... I don't know, like write Grease 2 and live a modest life. I don't know.
This game sucks.
Wait a minute. Hang on. That's actually a pretty good point. What do we all know better than anyone else around right now in our world? I know she talks about it a lot, but I haven't seen either Grease. No.
Pop culture. We all have so many movies and songs and stories memorized verbatim. All we need to do is write them down before they existed, and boom, we're famous. And Katie, history is kinder to woman entertainers. I don't think pop culture is that simple, though.
Like, you couldn't just randomly go back and carve Fast and the Furious into a stone tablet and expect ancient Assyrians to worship you. I mean, let's be honest. The 90s wasn't even ready for that movie. Just pick any of your favorite things that you know really well and go to that time, right? The fairy tales before the Brothers Grimm or the National Anthem. Pick your favorite book by your favorite author and just write it before they got a chance. We could be Shakespeare. Yeah, but come on. Nobody has Shakespeare memorized.
Shall I hear the siren tell? That take you for giving warning to the world, but I let go of the lines and stuff of the slings, and stuff of theyour world.
More love only ends. More tennis. Et tu, brote. Theater kid for life.
I don't know, Daniel.
I mean, your way ensures that the real Shakespeare never exists, that the real talent is lost to history and all we have is your half-remembered copy. So, f**k Shakespeare.
History doesn't even know if you didn't steal half those plays. I could steal half those plays. I could steal all those plays.
I could be the bard, kind of. Or, you know, either of you could be the bard.
Not you, Soren. You could write The Saint, I guess. Oh, I get to kiss Elizabeth's shoe. No, you wouldn't. You don't get to be the saint. Okay, fine. How far back do I have to go to be the saint? It's not a true story.
You know that, right? I mean, even if it was, you know Elizabeth's shoe wouldn't be playing herself. You know what?
I have a recipe for Cold Fusion memorized, so forget it. I'm rich already. Soren, what are you doing? You're really encroaching on my persona. I don't like this.
Yeah, Michael's the Cold Fusion guy of our group. Everyone has always known that. Do your Cold Fusion formula, Michael.
Yeah, here you go. Oh, boy, I've got to get out of here. Well, there it is. That's a big diagram. You can see it. Well, that'll make a lot of sense. This coalescing ball of energy while the credits roll. |
dropout | people_believe_crazy_things_about_video_games_prank_news_network | Hi, we're here in San Diego at one of the world's most popular entertainment conventions to prove that people will believe anything you say about video games if you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone. President Obama has issued an executive order that any game that portrays an avatar not eating a healthy meal would be taxed.
Do you think that the president is overstepping his balance with this? Ooh, that's a tough question. I understand wanting to influence people to be healthier and have that be a goal, but I don't think that it should have been done. If you're going to start doing that, then you're going to start having to do it to TV shows and whatnot, so I think it's kind of ridiculous. It seems like micromanaging people's personal lives.
Actually, games do contribute to healthy eating. A recent study suggests that gamers are having more sexual intercourse than ever before. Do you think that it has increased over time the amount of sex that gamers are having? If you enjoy gaming with your partner, I can definitely see a correlation between that and your sex life.
I kind of get lost in the game world, so I don't really know. I don't like, you know. I don't know. Okay. I don't know. You don't know?
When you're in an enclosed environment and with your partner, you know, things happen and things are heated. What are your thoughts on the president's executive order that all active military personnel be trained in zombie defense techniques? I think it's the right thing to do. I think to train people just for the real thing when it comes. They should be trained. Are there any particular defense techniques in Call of Duty that you think would apply to the actual military?
Best way to take me out? Headshot. When I play Call of Duty, I always run backwards. Cut those roads, shoot them with a shotgun, take off their brains. Actually, I was in the Navy for 10 years. Oh, wow. I think stealth is your best friend. Cut off the head with a knife, with a crossbow. I'd say cut off the hood. Shooting them straight in the head, bullseye, takes them out right away. Can go further.
Aliens. Alien. Cyborgs. Robots.
People are talking about this new video game system called Box, where players actually use their imagination as opposed to an actual TV monitor. Do you think that will change the gaming landscape at all? I think imagination's better than what's put on a screen because you always know what you like. I think there will be, it'll be a mixed grout, but over time people will come around to it. Would you, instead of actually seeing it on the screen, want to read what happened in your video game that day? That's a really crazy concept. Yeah. That could be groundbreaking. Pre-order now and get access to the multiplayer data. |
CrackerMilk | we_go_inside_our_friend_for_his_own_good | So that's a call back to um Josh can you shut the fuck up? We're filming a podcast If you're gonna cough, that's it. I've had enough get out. I wasn't even caught get out You fucking think josh can cough while they're rolling get out you'll shame on you can't Shame on you and your family I spit on you and I spit on your son Get out of here get out Did you still want that work done? Yes, please Bring in nose bring in the nose. Oh, what's with all the spin everywhere?
Yes Here we are. Here we are today I would like to go on an adventure much like we do every single cracker milk podcast very good You feeling up for it? I'm feeling up for an adventure. Where are we going? You feeling up for it? I'm not feeling up for it.
Oh, i've got a sore thumb. Tom you've had a sore thumb for months now, mate What's going on in there, baby?
Sorry got baby in tom you go you have a baby Yeah, I like to fall asleep with my mouth open and baby crawled in one night stuck in there Well, fuck you can hear it. You can hear it. Listen, listen carefully I heard it. Did you hear I definitely heard we definitely need to get in there.
Well, I was gonna say I I let me try like uluru. Yeah, maybe we go deep within uluru But if instead of going deep within uluru, we just go deep within all of you Where's that i'm gonna go we're gonna travel we're gonna shrink ourselves, okay We're gonna get into your bum hole and we're gonna figure out what's going on inside You're gonna get the baby out of my town magic school bus. Let's shrink down with our magical shrinking ray Connor Elias Whoa Look up there. It's tom's gaping But that's right boys you stand before the entrance to the cabin What do you see is there a little tourist shop out front i'm gonna be honest it really does smell a lot like shit down here Yeah, i'm gonna head over to the the tourist shop. Do you want to come with me?
Yep, let's up and it's full of shit. It's full of shit. That's all right We got another one just opened up. Oh, well, let's go and this one's full of shit. Oh, it's another one It's just opened up.
Yes, sir. Are you guys going in the hole? Look, it's a salesman selling some shit. Wow Wow Yeah, we're planning on going ahead. Is there anything we we should take in there a lot of shit in there So, uh, maybe a vacuum cleaner we do mining we go inside the hole and we bring out the shit for you Do you have I don't think that's a good business how well like how often are you selling this shit in this shop? Oh, we've got two other stores that closed down because they were bankrupt But maybe this one'll be good. Are they the other two that are just over there? No They're full of shit, yeah, yeah, uh, right, okay Well, we got vacuum cleaners as well that we sell and they specialize for sucking up poo-poo How much is it for a vacuum cleaner five dollars? I'll take it. It's good doing business with you boys. Have fun in that hole Thanks. Thanks. Let's go in now.
I'm right here. Oh, sorry. I'm right here.
I need you Spread your anus. We are going in my asshole's been spread this whole time. Okay, my cheeks spread Okay, you need to wipe after shitting There's a lot of shits down here. Okay noted.
Hey guys one thing I have to tell you as you enter I got some hemorrhoids. Hello It's us Not the hemorrhoid gang i've heard so much about you guys. We're the hemorrhoid boys and we're here to make you feel good uncumpt We're here to make you hang on so he's here to make me feel good and you're here to make me feel uncomfortable Yeah, what's my name? Hemorrhoid Henry. Yeah, so hemorrhoid Jim just pull you aside from that bloke over there.
Yeah I'm gonna do a good cop thing. Yeah, you do a bad cop thing We didn't talk about that before i'm sorry does it does it does the bad cop get to stand up the whole time?
I just can't sit down. I've got hemorrhoids Yeah, i'll i'll sit on a cushion yeah, I just Hemorrhoids are not fun. I'm not happy what we're doing at the home.
Well, you use that use that emotion What am I trying to get from him? What am I trying to get from him? We're trying to give him hemorrhoids Maybe he's got some spare shit for us too.
What are you guys? What are you guys talking about? Hey, mate. Hey, what's up? Hey, mate. How's it going?
Look i'm just i'm just trying to get through this part Uh, I just need to get deeper inside tom's asshole to like clear out all this shit and find possibly a baby I could smell something. We better run. You know what I can smell. What's that? I could smell aenasol Which is that ointment that you put on hemorrhoids? Motherfuckers, we're an aenasol. No, no, he's got fucking Well, thanks for sucking away those hemorrhoids of my last yo, whoa You sucked away all those hemorrhoids in that vacuum We got to get up there but the benefit is tom is so full of shit We could just swim through it. Hold your breath. We're gonna get to this baby.
Oh my god, who are you? I'm bowel cancer. I don't we don't want you to kill tom. We don't want tom to have bowel cancer. You're a piece of shit You're right. I've had a change of heart us cancers don't have the best rap All right, but look you want a fruit roll up fruit roll up. I mean it is getting i'm getting pretty hungry And I am I am absolutely I'm covered in human shit.
Yeah, i'm covered. I got apple. Yeah, I got a special k twist bar That's got two flavors Hair and raspberry. Yeah, you got to roll up. You got to be healthy and the special k bar.
Thanks, mate You can have the empty lunch box of life Thanks bowel cancer is a really cool dude. See you guys later I'm gonna go wait in the shit by the way, baby's up that way. Oh, thanks. Thanks, man. Thanks Amazing i've been wanting a lunch box for so long and i've been wanting a k time and a fruit roll up for a Long time fucking genius. He's a cool dude. I hope we see bowel cancer again.
Should we tell tom about him? Nah Let's go find that baby. You guys got anything you need to tell me? What's that while you're in my asshole? Oh, hey.
Oh, there's just so much shit in here, man. You gotta clean this out.
You have very healthy bells All right. Good. Keep swimming up that shit river. There is no cancer in you.
Use the kayak boys use the kayak Do you think by kayaking means that hardened dry shit over there that looks like we could float on it Yeah, I think so you should have a paddle next to it Did you hear that I think it's coming from like a bit further down this cabin down here if we just kayak all the way that's no cabin That's his heart His baby's in his heart Fuck Finally the climax of the podcast It's all been leading up to this. What should we do? Hey little guy? Hey, you want to you want a fruit roll up? Come on roll up get him in that lunchbox put him in that lunchbox Oh my god, what should we do about the baby in the lunchbox? Bash the baby And then we beat the shit out of the kid and tom's innards were fine except for the bowel cancer Which took his life late 2049 Thanks to all of our patrons men and women and other who are they? What are they this week?
Thanks. Thanks for watching guys. We'll see you next time |
dropout | snuggie_spin_offs | You've already discovered the Snuggie, the revolutionary blanket that keeps you warm while giving you the freedom to use your hands. But now you're tired, and you don't want to use your hands anymore. Introducing the Snuggie, the full body blanket that covers you completely from head to toe.
Perfect for reading a book, enjoying a snack, and outdoor sporting events.
Now your body is snug and warm, but the space around you is still cold. You need the Snuggist, the blanket that covers your entire body, plus a 10 foot radius.
Perfect for reading a book, enjoying a snack, and outdoor sporting events.
But don't you want your friends to be snug too?
Order a Snuggie, Snuggie, or Snuggist in the next 10 minutes and you'll receive the Snuggernaut, 200 square feet of luxurious fleece that fully encapsulates 10 to 14 people. Perfect for reading a book, enjoying a snack, and outdoor sporting events. Order a Snuggernaut in the next 5 minutes and you'll receive the Mega Snuggernaut, a Snuggie for your house. Perfect for eating a book, reading a snack, and outdoor sporting events. Order a Mega Snuggernaut in the next 3 minutes and receive this book light. |
dropout | the_guy_who_needs_to_win_everything_hardly_working | Icebreaker! Hey gang! What are you guys up to? Oh, just Icebreaker cards.
Right now we're talking about which album we'd most like to have on a desert island. Yep. Mine is Jagged Little Pill. What? You go crazy listening until the land is on a desert island. Don't tell me what would make me go crazy.
You'll be off the island in an hour.
Uh...what? The United States Navy Test Frequency Catalog Volume 3 contains a high-pitched SOS signal that's detectable over long-range radio. You'll be off the island in an hour.
Did I win? Well, these questions aren't really about winning or losing, we're just trying to have fun. I'm having fun, getting the answers right is fun for me.
Right! But not everything in life is about being right or wrong. Sure Raka yeah you got it. That's not right. We'll do the next one.
What time would you most like to live in? Does the time travel include spatial travel as well?
God Jesus Christ, Brennan. If it doesn't, February 12th, 1889 is the latest possible date you can make it from Los Angeles to Austria in time to kill Hitler as he's being born. As he's being born?
Why are you like this? No one else is having any fun now. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that one of the parameters of the game was that it had to be fun for everybody. I don't phrase it like that. Okay, shut up.
Next one. What would your patronus be? Oh, an eagle for sure. Tiger.
A blue whale? That's actually a really cool one, Brennan. Yeah, that's surprisingly interesting. Why a blue whale? A blue whale has the most surface area so you can abjure the largest number of Dementors the fastest.
God damn it! Oh, man. Are you guys mad that I keep winning the question? This is not a contest! Hey, well, everything's a contest. Fuck you! Okay, final icebreaker. And you can't logic your way out of this one, Brennan, because this is based entirely on feelings. Fuck Mary Kill, Al Capone, Gangus Khan, or Abraham Lincoln. Oh. Okay. Assuming that these events happen in the Order List of Chronologically, I would first have to fuck Al Capone to contract his syphilis to spread it to Gangus Khan on our wedding night, thereby preventing his conquest of Asia. I would then say they have to kill Abraham Lincoln at the Ford Theater, but that would leave me alive in 1889 in time to kill Hitler as he's being born. Fuck! Okay, you know what?
New game! Musical chairs! Fun! No!
All right, that's it. We're gonna do something cooperative now, all right? Give me your hands. This is the human knot. We are going to untangle ourselves by working together. Got it? Got it.
Ah! Oh my God, Brennan! It's so high!
You're gonna win! We are going to win!
Hey guys, it's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And please keep watching, because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it? I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen. Ha! Don't forget me! |
SaturdayNightLive | around_the_town_saturday_night_live | Well, I can tell you one thing: no one loves the Main Street Basket Festival more than this guy. And now I'm happy to announce the return once again of one of our favorite correspondence. She took a leave of absence, but now she's back and here she is, Michelle Dyson. good to see Michelle! Thanks, Gil. it's good to be back today. I am so excited to meet it. Introduced to you A real hometown hero. This Dairy Queen I'm standing in front of was held up at gunpoint and if it wasn't for the bravery of one Dq employee, that dangerous criminal would still be at large. Let's meet her.
Sarah Reynolds Hi, oh my god. I can't believe I'm on the news. Hi, Nana. hi, I'm Pauline. Wow, sorry, I went somewhere sorry. Walk us through what happened today? Yes, Ma'am I was cleaning up Rainbow sprinkle spill and all of a sudden a man in a ski mask burst in. Really cool. You're funny. I'm sorry.
I I didn't hear a word you said. I was, um, staring at your mouth. I was looking at your lips. I didn't hear you.
Oh oh, just discontinue.
Anyway, he came up to me, pulled out a gun and pushed it into my face. not your pretty face. I like it. Your face, Face it. Let's face it together. let's face each other in the dark. I mean, uh, if it was dark and I had your face, I'd kiss myself.
What what I'm saying is you have you have good genes and you have good genes. You look good in your genes. I mean a lot of people do what you you do.
I love jeans. I'm into jeans. I am into your jeans. I'm not in your jeans now. Why why would I be in your jeans? sorry jean, but no, it's Gil Back to me Michelle.
So he has a gun in my face and I completely panic. Sorry, I just have to say you could be in the movies. but don't move to La. that's too far away from me. No, I mean, I, I don't. I don't know you. You can move wherever you want, but if you did move I would help you pack.
And we could wear overalls with nothing under them. Not nothing. We could just wear flesh-tone tank tops so it looks like nothing. You would look really good in a flesh-tone tank top.
Sorry, What'd you do next? Well without thinking I just grabbed the hot crock of butterscotch dip and flung it in his face. Hi! You smell good. A little breeze just brought some of your sent to my way. Are you were you wearing perfume? No, just a little body oil.
Okay, okay. okay, okay okay okay, are you all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's fine.
Look, I'm gonna. I'm gonna jump in here. So sir, you managed to dial 911. Yeah, okay, so you down on one the cops come. The bad guys in jail. you're a hero.
Boom. you're probably hungry. I'm famished. We've both had a rough day. One more question. do you like Red Lobster? What's the restaurant? Red Lobster, I bet you do.
Cuz you watch what you eat, you look like a mannequin. I'm gonna take clothes off of you. No, no, not off of you as a person. Just you as a mannequin would make clothes look so appealing. I would want that outfit off of you for me to have on myself, but you're smaller than I am now so I could just eat you. You could fit inside me. Get inside me.
No, I'm not saying I meant I mean like as a food. Speaking of food, let's hit it. Let's hit the lob the red lob. haha, I should tell you. um so we could talk about other things at dinner.
I have had a rough half year. Short story short, my ex-husband left me again, this time for a haircut photographer. so I'm not in the best place right now, but you know, I think I better go Nana, not Pauline. I'm coming home. Let's go together. Get out of my dreams and into my car. Billy Ocean, let's go to the ocean. or we could eat food from the ocean at the lab. Again, that's short for the Red Lobster Michelle. I just got to say that when that man put his gun in my face, that was the most freaked out I've ever been in my life until I started talking to you. You took the worst day of my life. put it in a waffle cone and dumped a bunch of creep sprinkles all over it. I hope you get some help. Gil Yep, did that go, okay no nothing about it. did. oh there's a be Gil and there it is. Thanks Michelle. see you another eight months. you. |
TheOnion | Area_Woman_Thinks_All_Of_Her_Friends_Should_Be_Comedians | For the past several years now, area woman Caitlin Mooney has been convinced that each and every one of her friends should be a professional comedian. Our reporters spoke to Caitlin this morning about her, quote, hilarious group of friends. Karen is so funny. I can't even explain it. She's always just saying whatever on her mind. She has this totally sassy attitude and you just can't help but laugh. My roommate Rachmi, she always has these hilarious stories that, I mean, they're just too much. I'm always telling her that she should just go up on stage and talk, I mean, everyone would love it. Mooney went on to say that her good friend Lauren is so funny she could, quote, definitely be on Saturday Night Live or The Office, a sentiment she echoed about a number of her other acquaintances, including her childhood friend Marsha, her college roommate Angela, her coworker Julie, and even her sister Jennifer. Alice and Megan are always goofing around, I mean, they are just like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Sometimes, sometimes Alice, she'll do this, Alice will do this thing where, Alice will do it, but it's just, I'm sorry. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | don_t_call_my_dick_nice_hot_date | that was an eventful trip to the bathroom I didn't want to flush the condom and mess up their pipes do you think it's okay if I just leave in the napkin on the table definitely hey um can I tell you something yeah what's up you have a really nice stick oh wow it's like the perfect size well thank you not too small not too big excuse me just like really nice totally yes I hear you so just to clarify nice doesn't mean small it just means not huge yeah you don't want huge because I can tell you from personal experience big guys are not all they're cracked up to be I'm not picturing it I mean like the last thing you want is to be like limping after a hookup I am so glad our sex is comfortable I'm a pretty big dick though it's pretty big it's good to have dick I have a big dick just say I have a big dick say it you have a nice stick what is nice just give me a number in inches I don't know um okay let me put it this way which would you rather have a nice meal that fills you up just right or a giant steak that's way too much to handle and like probably gives you a UTI neither I want to have a big dick well too bad because you have a nice stick nice is what you say about a cousin's wedding or about the spread at a continental breakfast oh they have a waffle maker that's nice I'm gonna be huge Emily huge I would like you to be a little bit scared every time you see my big boy dick you know what forget it I was just trying to give you a compliment and I don't really feel like doing that anymore you're right I'm sorry thank you for the compliment it's good yeah I mean it's above average at least it's average then the teeniest bit below average but like still it's completely indistinguishable from a regular-sized penis no and how is everything very nice thank you that means it's what's up the world from award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called hot date that's right it's gonna be coming to you weekly and if we play our cars right maybe we'll actually win one of these yes these are other people but we're holding them so who's the real winner |
CrackerMilk | work_calls_on_vacation | My boss is calling me? Hey boss man, what's up?
Yeah, sorry to call you. I know you're on vacation. Oh, that's okay. No, we just took off.
So I just need your password, buddy. Yeah. Why do you need my computer password?
IT have just come in to do a bit of a clean up on all the computers. They're just running through looking for any inappropriate content, you know. Are they going through files and pictures and images? Yeah, files.
Yeah. No, that's cool.
The password will be HUNTER2 with a capital H. Okay, HUNTER2. HUNTER2 guys.
Great, great. Okay, you enjoy yourself, okay? I'll see you when you get back, alright? Okay, you have a great day. Take care.
Everything okay? Yeah, fine. Just a few work things. Oh, okay.
Don't think we'll make it to your mum's. But we just left.
That's alright. I'll just tell the pilot to turn around. It's okay. I'll handle it. It's okay. Don't worry. Sorry. Quick guys, get this done and we can go and enjoy this beautiful New York City summer day.
Hey guys, we've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. The Krakenwalk podcast is on a separate other channel called the Krakenwalk podcast.
Are you drunk? So you can go and check that out over there. Are you drunk? Nah dude, I'm not drunk.
Paint doesn't make you drunk. You've been drinking paint? Yeah. You guys got any paint? |
Wizards_with_Guns | why_male_karens_are_way_worse_ | Hey! Hey, I saw that! Huh?
I saw you litter! Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't even see the- It's really dangerous, you know! Littering! Yeah, for the environment, I'm sorry.
Because it could have killed me! Wait, what? I could have choked on the bag! What? Is that what you want? The bag goes up over my head, I choke and I die? You mean suffocate. Oh, so you admit it! No, I didn't say- I could have drowned in the bag!
No, that's impossible. You never heard of like a goose choking on a piece of trash? Yeah, but you're a person- You've never seen a turtle? What does that even have to do- Hey! This guy's never seen a turtle! Really?
Okay, I'm just gonna go. Yeah! To jail! Probably! I've been to jail. This doesn't concern you! Go away! Hey! Where do you think you're going? Anywhere you're not. Oh, no you don't! I was trying to enjoy my cream cheese bagel! It's the only thing that gets me through a Thursday! It's a Wednesday! Oh my god! Okay, here's what it looks like. What? Well, yeah, but they're green. Get out of here with your bad art and your French bread!
Where are you parked? I'm not gonna tell you where I parked. Where are you parked?
Did you fart in this? What is that? A purse? Oh, you would love if it was a purse, wouldn't you? I mean, it's fine if it's a purse.
Oh my god! This is so embarrassing for you! What are you gonna do with that? Drown me? No! I'm gonna show you that a paper bag can't kill anyone! Why would not do that if I were you? Just watch. Okay, stop! Here I go! Oh, wait! And... Oh god! See?
Nobody d- And that's when I knew. Love isn't just something you make up. It's something you know to be true. This generation is so wrapped up in When is it my turn? But Daniel taught me to ask Life always finds a way To love.
His mustache is off now. It popped right off! |
dropout | honest_new_year_s | Fuck, I'm already having a bad time. Katie! I had to come to this party because everything I actually wanted to do was way too expensive. Yeah, why do you think I'm throwing this? Oh wow, this party is almost nothing. I spent so much money but it doesn't look like it. Yeah, alcohol doesn't look like anything. Yeah, I wrongly assumed that people would bring things. I thought about it on the way over but then I felt like I didn't want to. It's almost as if New Year's Eve consistently fails to live up to our unrealistic expectations.
Yeah, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I hate you too. Hey! I'm so sorry, Willy.
We tried to force a romantic dinner for some reason. We spent a few hundred dollars on a tiny prefix at a crowded restaurant. Now we're both mad. And hungry. All we brought for you was leftovers. Yuck! If we remember to take them home, we will.
Oh, he's so expensive.
Fuck, I'll never do this again. Oh, great to see you. Katie! Oh, Cynthia and a stranger, who's this fucking guy? Well, my crippling fear of being the only one without a midnight kiss drove me to bring some fucking Tinder date. Yeah, we've only met once before and we'll never talk again after tonight.
I'm watching you. Don't touch my shit. I might. Katie, is it cool if I invite some of my college fraternity buddies over? I'm guessing you already invited them and this question is essentially a trap.
Sure is. Buh! Fuck you, motherfucker. Great.
Also, you're out of alcohol and it's only 10pm. Which sounds like your problem. Hey, Katie. Sorry I'm late.
I was invited to four parties and for some reason I feel like I need to go to all of them. Okay, bye. I don't know how I'm getting home and I am not gonna think about it. The Ubers are gonna be a 400% surcharge. I guess I'm gonna spend seven hours walking! I'm gonna go ahead and claim this couch even though I'm pretty sure Katie doesn't want me to sleep here. Yeah, it's true inconvenience.
Oh man, your opinions are terrible but I've been too deep. I lack the awareness to filter anything I'm saying. Maybe these shots will help. I don't know. I'm pretty bad.
Fuck. I'm on Instagram and I'm jealous as hell. Yeah man, we fucked up. I probably should have been hanging out with my wife. Yeah, that's crazy.
Move! Here! Is! The! Worst! Let's! Get! This! Over! With! Hahaha! Woo! I'm in two years!
Should all the acquaintance be forgot? That's all the words we know!
I'm so ready to accomplish nothing this year.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_press_conference_not_about_rosie_o_donnell_snl | And now I am truly honored to introduce the creator and star of Nbc's hit show, The Apprentice, Mr. Donald Trump. good morning. I'd like to thank all you members of the press for being smart enough to be here today, to hear me talk about the sixth and by far the best season of my smash hit show and ratings. Bonanza, The Apprentice, Los Angeles.
Here's how this thing's going to go. we're here to talk about this terrific show and not about my ongoing feud with Rosie O'donnell, who, by the way, is a low life and a loser. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
Love. Who has a question about the Apprentice? Yes. Mr. Trump, how has it been working with your daughter, Ivanka on this season's Apprentice? Working with my daughter has been a huge joy for her. and I think we make a real champion style team. I'll tell you who would be a loser on any team, that's Sasquatch, Rosie O'donnell. Next question, Yes.
Yeah, how is doing the show in Los Angeles different from doing it in New York? Great question. working in La has been fantastic because I'm further away from Rosie O'donnell, who is a no talent dipstick, and I'm not talking about her, so let's drop it already.
And by her, I mean Rosie O'donnell, who is a Zero, The Apprentice. Yes. Mr. Trump, Debbie Kunstler from Entertainment Weekly. I mean, it seems like you're obsessed with this Rosie thing. Are you still mad at her?
Debbie, I don't know how I could be any clearer. I'm taking the high road here. Absolutely no questions about Jabba The Rosie. let's keep this thing on track, Okay?
Yes. We've heard that in The New Apprentice, the losers have to live in tents behind the mansion. How are they handling that? You know, I'll tell you one thing. those kids are handling things a lot better than that gargoyle, Barbara Walters. Barbara knows what she told me about Rosie, and I quote, Rosie is such a pig that if there was a planet where only pigs lived, she would be the King and the Queen. And also, her wife Kelly has one hell of a rack. And that's a direct quote from Barbara Walters. Yes.
Mr. Trump, about Rosie O'donnell. Okay, all right. you know what? this press conference is over.
I can assure you, this season of The Apprentice is going to be Huge. And Rosie, I think we should act like grownups, And here's how it's going to go. I'm made of rubber. you're made of glue. whatever you say, bounces off me because I'm classy and sticks to you because you're ugly. naughty, naughty, boo, boo, boo, boo. The Apprentice. |
cracked | thursday_edition_the_week_in_douchebaggery | She acknowledged earlier this week that she had an affair with a black senator more than thirty years ago. Barbara, I've devoted the vast majority of my adult life to convincing myself that you do not now have, nor have you ever had a vagina. Please don't mess with me.
Douchebag number four is Irving Robbins. Irving was the co-founder of ice cream chain Baskin and Robbins, and he had the audacity to die this past Monday. Why does that make him a D-bag? Because if he had simply gone to that big frozen scoop in the sky one day earlier, we could have made a great Sunday bloody Sunday joke. But now, thanks to Irv's shitty timing, that joke, much like Mr. Robbins himself, is dead.
Douchebag number three is The Police, the band, not the uniform-wearing guys who beat innocent people. The group, whose lead singer sounds exactly like Sting to my untrained ear, has announced that they will soon hold their last ever concert in New York City. That's because every step they take, every move they make, and every breath they take is extremely labored, since they're all ridiculously old. That's a real photo of the police, by the way.
We had to scour the internet for that thing. A mother and father in Oregon must have been thrilled to receive a phone call from our number two douchebag. Most of us have accidentally drunk-dialed our parents at one time or other in our lives, right? That wasn't just me, was it? But Steven Phillips accidentally triggered his phone's redial when he was in the middle of a firefight with insurgents in Afghanistan. Steven was said to be embarrassed after finding out what he'd done.
If you ask me, and seeing as I'm the host, you really have no other choice, he should have played it off as deliberate. Come on, just imagine the family get together with Thanksgiving this year.
Jimmy, why do you never call? Oh, you're busy?
Your brother Steven called us while he was fighting dirty Afghans firing rockets at him. He wasn't too busy. That's why he's our favorite.
They're warning that many rare tropical insects are facing extinction due to global warming, with a potentially devastating effect on plant pollination and food supplies. The scientists say that some of the largest, slimiest, multi-intended bugs with huge slavering mouth parts and sharp ottompositers that penetrate the skin of prey to lay their eggs that hatch and burrow and ha, ha, ha, get it off me, get it off me, ha, ha, ha, ha, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Well that's it for this week in douchebaggery. Check back next week to find out what the hell day we're on then. Well that's it for this week in douchebag- Get it off as deliberate, come on, just imagine the family get together with Thanksgiving this year.
Jimmy, why do you never call? Oh you're busy? Your brother Steven called us while he was fighting dirty Afghans firing rockets at him.
He wasn't too busy. That's why he's our favorite.
They're warning that many rare tropical insects are facing extinction due to global warming, with a potentially devastating effect on plant pollination and food supplies. The scientists say that some of the largest, slimiest, multi-intended bugs with huge slavering mouth parts and sharp avopostitors that penetrate the skin of prey to lay their eggs that hatch and burrow and ha, ha, ha, get it off me, get it off me. |
CrackerMilk | saving_a_small_girl_from_drowning_crackermilk_podcast_episode_10 | Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk podcast.
Excuse me.
Hello everyone. And welcome back to another, excuse me. This is no, welcome back to the cracker.
That's my beard.
Where we crack a milk, your podcast. Get out. Hey everyone. Welcome. Get the fuck out. He tricked me. Get out.
I can't. I'm sorry about that guys. I know why he took over like that. Have some fucking respect.
Come in. You get in here.
I want him. Tom, that's Tom. This is Elias. And that is Josh Tate.
It just gives me real excited. Speak into your mic. That just gets me real excited. Just speak a relative distance to your mic. That just gets me real excited. That's better. I like that. Stay back there. That just gets me real excited.
You know, what's crazy guys. I feel like letting the sea breeze hit my tits and I want to do that for like maybe a week. So I'm taking us all on a cruise. Wow. Really? Yeah. I'm taking this all on a cruise. Yeah. Sorry. Where's the cruise going to? So we're all going to go on the boat for one whole hour. Doesn't that sound fun? Wow.
Oh, where are we going? Where are we going to go?
So it is going to be a good time. Okay. Do you guys have all the stuff you need for the cruise?
I've got my toothpaste. I've got my toothbrush.
And we're there. We're on the boat.
Hey, I get sick. Is it okay? Yeah, that's fine, man. Just throw up in his bed. Don't worry.
Did anyone else bring toothpaste and a toothbrush? Cause I didn't bring mine. I packed a hairbrush. Okay. And what did you pack? Did you pack anything? I didn't pack shit.
Fuck. We're all going to have to use that toothbrush.
Is that okay? Is that okay if we just share a toothbrush? That's not weird. I use it on my pussy. That's fine. That's okay with you.
That really threw me a curve ball.
Man, I love cruise ships. Let's go to the buffet.
Oh my God. Look, there's like a bunch of violinists and celloists playing. Isn't that awesome? Wow.
And look over there. Look who it is. It's Leo. Leo DiCaprio.
Oh my God. Holy shit. That's crazy. He's trying to save the planet again. Oh my God.
The ocean air smells like the Atlantic.
Yeah. I'm getting a little cold. Do you want a jumper? Yeah. How's that? That's, that's great. Thanks. Is that good? Yeah. Can you just hold me a little tighter?
Whoa. Holy shit.
What's happening? We need to go talk to the captain. Captain, captain, what happened? Nothing. Sorry? Are you drunk? No, no, no. Captain, what's happening? Captain, have you seen the film ghost ship?
You guys can keep it secret, right? Yeah. We can keep it secret. All right.
I'm pretty bad at keeping secrets. Don't say that to him. No, you lie to him.
My secret is that I, I hit a little girl. What? It was a little. In the boat? Yeah. It was in front of the boat. It's a little girl. I could have gone around in her, but I wanted to see what would happen.
What happened? What's happened?
I need legal help. You're going to get me out of this mess. All right, fuck this. I don't know. Let's get the fuck out of here. Get out of here.
Jesus Christ. My feet are a little wet. Holy shit. There's someone stuck in the water.
Hey, we'll save you. Hey dude, what's going on? What's your name? I can't believe we saved you. It's okay. What's your name?
Gregory. What's your name? Gregory. What's your name? Gregory. Oh Gregory.
You okay, mate? Yeah. What happened? I drowned a little bit. I think I just got caught in my throat. Gregory, you were in a tutu? Yeah. Why? Were you paddling in front of the boat before? Yeah. Oh my God. Gregory was the little girl. The captain here. Holy shit.
I don't remember much. I just was real cold and just felt like a swim.
Hey, look over there. What's over there? Bam!
Coward punch. Fucking hell. I can see why the captain hit her. The thing is like, you know, the captain might've been a twisted dude, but that thing, that thing could not see the light of day again.
Oh, hey lice, what's going on? You're back from the buffet. What was that?
It's another ship coming in. Oh my fucking God. A pirate ship coming to board us. Oh no, they've already boarded. Oh my God.
Look, it's Captain Jack. Yeah. I'm ready to steal some stuff for some people. I'm Captain Jack. Where's all the rum gone? My wife beat me and said I assaulted her. I'm Captain Jack. Johnny Depp's had a bad run lately. It's all right. Where's the rum?
I'm the scissors from Edward Scissorhands. I haven't seen you in a long time, Johnny. You want me to get back on your hands again? Ah, I'm Edward Scissorhands.
Ah, your hair. You're such a beautiful- My hair! You're such a beautiful- Excuse me, Edward.
You just cut my fucking hair. Do you cut hair? Yeah. Can you give me a haircut? Would you like a close shave? Yes, please.
Johnny, it's me. The girl from the movie with Sweeney Todd. I'm your wife.
Come back. Take my scissors.
They're cutting me up so much. I'm sorry, Texas. Oh no. I'm so misunderstood. Nobody understands that I was beaten by Amber Heard for years. Oh no. Johnny, it's me, your dog, so you couldn't take to Australia.
Quick, we're in the water as well. Please pick us up. Let's get back to the pirate ship. Okay. This way. Hold my hand. Lucky I've got a hook hand. Can the captain come as well? Yes, of course. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Now that we don't have a captain, I think we need one.
Yeah, I saw you. What's your name, captain? Oh, you don't even know. Yeah, right. Why did I know? What's your name? What's your name, captain?
What is it?
Amber Heard. She's going to bash us off. Oh my God.
And we all died. That's the reality of the Titanic people is that everyone on it fucking died. Zero survivors on the Titanic. No one lived.
Shout out to anime panda. Your stream is good on the Patreon. Yeah. And also she's on Patreon. And if you would like to be a part of some deeper cracking up law, you get on the Patreon.
Also, we got this match by this match on Tuesday. This match. Please buy our merch so we can buy groceries.
Whoa, what's down here, dude? Is that a toot? What the fuck are you doing? Is that a big juicy fart? Oh my God. Did you just toot on captain? Fucking hell. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | clive_palmer_the_betoota_interview | What do you reckon is going to happen today, mate? I don't know. I don't think it matters what happens as far as the people go, it's the policies that need to change. I mean, people in regional Australia have been forgotten.
We need to bring back zonal taxation, things like that, so that we've got a fair go. Do you reckon we should... There's been talk recently, it's come up again, WA's kicked up, they've gone wild on them. Yeah. Same thing's happened up north. Yeah. When are we going to get...
Well, of course, North Queensland should be a separate state. It's over 1,000 kilometres from Brisbane where the decisions are made, and I'm the biggest employer in North Queensland.
Same thing's true with Western Australia, you know. Western Australia loses $4 billion every year in GST. It's collected in Western Australia, goes over to the southern states. Now, why it does that is because that's where the votes are. But the people of Western Australia who are paying the GST deserve to have in their communities because the Western Australian government's lost their AAA credit rating, they're now AA. And Western Australians are paying a lot more for hospitals, schools, and everything.
Regardless of what happens here this morning, do you think that the Liberal Party is the best party to be running our national bank account, the Treasury? What do you say running with the bank accounts, do you mean running away with the bank accounts? That's the question.
Well, look, Australia's debt at the moment is 12% of our GDP. When Doug Anthony and Bob Menzies were those guys around, our debt was 40% of our GDP. So that means that 30% of our country's capacity is no longer being used to promote this country and spent in Australia. It's being sent overseas or it's being used in some other country, you know. So we've got to get back to what we can do in Australia.
We can't even feed ourselves in five years' time. And the National Party in particular has let down Australia because it hasn't supported decentralisation, hasn't supported rural industries, we've got closures, we saw what happened in Victoria with SPC. All these policies are going to be looked at and remembering that we have to produce something to produce some wealth. All the incentive's gone. You don't see any government incentive to do anything anymore.
Mate, what are you going to do about the dingoes? We need someone to do something about the dingoes in the Channel Country. The wool industry is failing. Yeah, the wool policy of course is in Queensland. John Bialki Peterson announced that we should have the dingo fence right along the Queensland border up there. At the Northern Territory we need to stop all the dingoes coming through. And the cost of that's about $15 million. It's not a lot of money in the total mix of everything, it just shows you the priority of the National Party. If they can't get a dingo fence, what can they do? And this is the whole problem. I've got a lot of friends up there, I've got properties up there, and we're seeing what's happened with the sheep industry, it's virtually been wiped out, merinos can no longer be kept in a lot of the properties in Western Queensland. And this is just again saying that the regional Australia doesn't have the priority it needs to have.
I was the official spokesman of the National Party, I was a National Party member for 40 years, life member of the National Party, and it's forgotten. It's been taken over by the Liberal Party and the city people, and rural and regional Australia has been forgotten.
That's why I'm in Parliament, to try to get a fair go for people in our regions. Alright, I've got to go for another interview. Alright Clive. You going to come to the races in August, down there in Batutah? Most definitely. We'd love to have you mate.
That was Clive Palmer, big friend of Batutah. That was big Clive. Haven't seen him in years. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_68_origin_decider_special_featuring_fire_up | Hello and welcome back to the Batutah advocate radio show, thank you for tuning in today My name is Errol Parker and as always I'm joined by the man who was once commonly known as dancing Clancy overall Yes, yes throwback to my boxing troop days. Thank you Errol and thanks for joining us today listeners That was quite some time ago Errol, of course in my days in the Brophy tent But today we're coming to you live from the Baxter booth in downtown Batutah and we'll be joined shortly by some very very interesting characters some real characters in the sense of the They'll make you laugh. They certainly make us laugh and they're here to talk everything origin Ahead of the all-important series decider. That's right It's game three and it's all on the line mate against mate state against state in the greatest gladiatorial spectacle known to man and we've got the guys from the more fired-up podcast to help us dissect all the biggest talking points Yes They're friends of the show from the Diamantina media network Who can be found on whatever platform you get your podcast from and provide a regular Update sort of quality rugby league dribble every week. I do find them quite intellectual actually, which is always interesting in this space They're not titans of intellect like Gus Gould or Ray Warren But they do offer up interesting and thought-provoking takes on the greatest game of all We look forward to to talking to them now Dennis Carnahan and Chris Gale No, not that Chris Gale Chris Gala from the more fired-up podcast are about to step into the Baxter booth But keep an eye out for Dennis's very funny show rugby league the musical which is stopping at Toowoomba Brisbane and the Gold Coast this week on Thursday the July 11th in Toowoomba the Garden City Friday the 12th in Brisbane and Sunday the 14th on a Gold Coast It's Doing other parts of the East Coast this July and August so keep an eye out for it It's a very funny and unique show and I'll be very curious to see how some of his Queensland centric content goes up there Because remember this is the man that wrote that's in Queensland. Of course the eternal sledge dished out towards us Morones fans every origin so make sure you don't miss it You can grab the tickets on moshsticks and for all you non rugby league diehards. Just just go with it Just go with it. I'm sure you'll enjoy yourselves you You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy overall editors of the batooder advocate on desert rock FM Where the fuck are ya it's a batooder advocate radio show. There's four toey humans in the Baxter boots recording studio is 20 to 4 and a fat and Ready to spurt sauce and you're in bed Me far up you said it's the origin special Thank you for joining us we've got the boys from far up in the studio today We'll make a decision later as to whether or not we bleep that but I think it's pretty organic. It's pretty big part of the Rugby League history really rhyming slang it out and put in a few Carmichael hunts and Michael Lux. Yeah We've retired Carmichael hunt because no one knows who he is now because he plays rugby union Yeah, so we've substituted in Ben hunt Ben hunt, which is not as alliterative But it still gets the general message across Carmichael hunt was one of those ones that Ray Warren struggled with yes, the ABC struggled as well as a couple times where Who was one of the sideline I started calling you ha Michael ha Michael ha Michael ha Michael and David Moray is like I know what you're doing.
Stop it Michael and suddenly he burst out with it. He lost it. Now.
We've got two visionaries of rugby league to Commentators analysts, I guess you could also say we've got mirrors We just reflect rugby league But Dennis and Chris from far up in the studio today for the origin special and there's a lot to talk about isn't there? It's always a lot to talk about Clancy when origin is around and we're prepared to do that.
That's good Well, you know as you know, you're talking to two Queensland supporters and presumably you were two blues supporters Well, no, no. No, see I was born and raised in the in the federal capital. So I'm a child of the Federation I'm above this interstate nonsense Yeah, so I believe I can flimflam it with the arrogance only a cam Baron can have I believe I can flimflam I'll see you like you actually are you are like how people from New South Wales and Queensland imagine People in the ACT would be where they pick sides according to who they prefer Generally generally whoever favors, you know I've gone for Queensland for quite a while because I've had Papali as the sole Raiders representative even though of course He's not a cam Baron. He's a Kiwi from the North Island of Queensland, but they've got Jackie boy whiten So I'm it's not so much. I'm going for them I just hope I they don't get injured and be he doesn't have he doesn't have the same hands He had last Saturday. That's what I'm hoping for Jackie boy, but Dennis wrote that's in Queensland You know that yeah legendary tune that seemed to be to be written from a New South Wales point of view Have I got that wrong?
No, it wasn't at all. It was written from an entirely neutral point of view It just happened to get sung by every single member of the continuous call team It did also happen that Queenslanders have adopted it and I've been given a certificate of Queensland a ship by special minister of state Stirling Hinchcliffe Because I identified that Queensland is not just arbitrary lines made up by humans put on a map It is in fact a higher on a higher existential plane. Yes, though. Would you disagree with that?
So I wouldn't I wouldn't well I'd say that's why people from the territory tend to go for the Maroons because I think they're on that same Tropical wavelength where I think the people from the Australian capital territory down there in the cold country I think they should really start to wake up to themselves. And so you have the states telling Federation what to do Is that what it's come to? The ACT is the tiny baby that it is engulfed by the bosom of New South Wales Oh, I think they should really pay New South Wales the respect I think most Camberons would consider themselves like they'd be blues fans Yeah, most of them most of them would be my concern is now that a lot of New South Wales fans aren't going for New South Wales. Yeah, because I mean do you really want to destroy the Mitchell Pierce narrative by him? But there are so many New South Wales fans who you know reach out to me and tell me how much they hate Mitchell Pierce It's Star Wars episode 10 and Darth Vader wins.
That's what it is. The the evil Empire conquers all if if if New South Wales Yeah, he's a bit like a professor Snape figure, isn't he? You guys have felt like it's been love He was a good guy in the end. Yeah, I know that's the way it could go But people only remember how mean Snape was, you know what I mean?
I don't really look at Mitchell Pierce and think geez, so that's a mean bloke There's a nice like a Labrador that is with a pink nose he's wagging his tail give us a pat Well, it's kind of like his dad was a bulldog Gal got a win like you got one win, right? Yeah, and everyone will remember gal for the reason Channel 9 employs him So they have Billy Slater to explain to the viewers what it's like to win in origin and gal to explain what it's like to lose yeah, but Surely there's some sort of karmic thing that will give Mitchell this, you know You hate to say Mitchell give the dog a bone. It just doesn't work doesn't But he won't be remembered for being a great origin player but maybe this is just some sort of it would almost be torture if you did because he's he'll come in Billy Slater like For the one game if they do get the win But he kind of hasn't done the hard yards hasn't been there for the whole series. So he's for his narrative I could win the medal Imagine that's fantastic. Don't know what the numbers are yet But if he gets three and no one else has gotten and there's only been ones and twos handed out possibly That was the best quote from origin 2018 when Slater won the medal and he went oh wow Do you do you guys think that a young Cleary is at risk of getting himself in that Vortex and Mitchell Pierce is in in terms of the the lesser son of greater size who keeps getting picked He did Like he did win the series last year.
He was involved in that. Yes He does play a lot better when he's got one. Jay Maloney standing next to him. There's no question of that As Jay Maloney played a lot better with or without him sister.
He's been a divisive figure this year Young Nathan in terms of selections and and I mean, I guess you know The Blues are good at because I guess it's PTSD from the eight in a row is turning on each other Yeah, just just like it that's almost a trait of being a Blues fan is criticizing the massive massive coaching Operation that they have for the Blues and just saying what they would have done There is one person who is the most fucked out of anyone if the Blues win, and that's the coach whisperer That guy. Oh, no, so I think he's entire business models But he can write a narrative to make himself clear because I think you'll find you look at Kevvies narrative in Kevvies words Mmm, I think Kevvies gone rogue. Yeah, he was whispered in the first game done done done. We're gonna win We're gonna win Yeah before the second game Kevvie has thought I'm bigger than the coach whisperer I can do without him and he said he's done Away with him and what happened smashed? Oh, he has done away with him Well, he hasn't he's not in the he's not in his ear Chris. Do you have anything to add? Well, I Might have a little bit of a relationship with Bradley Charles Stubbs. That's all He drank the cool and you know, I know very well And you know, I know I'm under certain barriers about what I can say, but let's put it this way There was a lot of talk about his right at five grand plus GST after game one per hour. You're right now The result of Queensland in game two is exactly as Dennis said the vernacular New South Wales started to creep in there were too Many media interviews being given and they went away from the one percenters. So Kevvie did go Rogan off script So Bradley's right actually went up after game two Okay, right because it was clear that he was more valuable had he been listened to in game two He will talk publicly after game three when Queensland win Because I think this is actually the I told you so game It's either I told you so Kevvie reinvented himself in many ways personally and continuously over the series Most recently is the most emotional man in rugby league Declaring that this will be the greatest Wobbly a spot on whipping like and I agree with him Or it'll be Freddie. I told you so I knew what I was doing when Gus told me to make those seven But Bradley's a he's an amazing cat I can tell you that much Yeah, what else is he worked in aside from rugby league and sounds like rugby union schools schools and You know multi-layered marketing.
Yes. Yep.
Yes, definitely He's on record as that he's an alumni of Amway and we are we all fans of multi-level marketing Residual income work from home. Hello to Keith Raniere from Nexium. Good luck with that life sentence He's also I mean it's the the lesser-known things he took the Pakistan women's one day Cricket team from 11th to 4th on the world rankings last year.
You didn't know that did you did not know that? How about that?
I'm still not convinced Andy's daughter's Instagram model.
Okay, so he's a multiple-level threat, but his life story is a movie. There's no doubt about it He was a professional surfer destined for greatness suffered an injury This is all he disguises this Became heroin an addict.
I was in the sanitarium twice and then life's harsh lessons Connected into what is now a very successful practice And I think that people don't understand is that nobody coaches the coaches right Bradley understands that and he has just a very very unique way of looking Robbo from the roosters says he's intense guy with some clear ideas. I use some of them. Mm-hmm. Kevi I think was a little less Subtle, I mean, you know, you know, he's on the script He knew he's on the script when he started doing the finger pointing, you know point one We expect to win point to the other team. Yeah, so it's been a bit of a challenge for Kevi I think we're listening to you guys talk about it the other day and I guess what you were saying was Queensland might have out Underdogged themselves or over dog themselves over dogs They've always been the underdog since since the days of poker machines and you know You guys buying all their players and and you know us having to play Effectively a resident of origin match and getting towered up every year and I love those games I like other and then eventually we you know, we brought it back Artie and but we remained a much smaller population Much more marginalized community and outside of federal elections. We really didn't have much of a say and We've always been an underdog until this coach whisperer model of confidence.
Yeah, and There was a there was a anaphylactic shock, which is pretty textbook, Queensland the other day Someone nearly died in the camp, but you believe that did you I mean, yes Wasn't it just upping the ante in terms of mystery viruses? Yeah, you know because you know gag I went down to mystery virus it barely got any column inches But Moses Mumbai was all over the papers for a day I've spoken to a doctor about this and he reckons look if you have a reaction like that and You don't go to hospital You didn't almost die. Yeah where he was on the floor apparently and then in walks a team doctor and goes I'll just hit him with the EpiPen And he's just come good.
Did you not hear that? The EpiPen was out of date I think that's that so they just went for the the adrenal injection fiction style and say It's Queensland that budget strapped that they can't afford, you know Within time EpiPen. Well at five grand an hour plus GST Queensland gets you might have to do your own research if you're listening at home But I think they get almost half of the national health budget.
Yeah, right because that's where everyone goes When they're old and fucked no After Queensland, yeah, we'll discuss this before at the Gold Coast that you know, this is sponsored by super anyway She's the Gold Coast Titans because that's the main industry Well a lesser-known rugby league heartland, which is the Crystal meth coast north of noose are actually with a way of stop and you kind of had you know Harvey Bay that kind of part Well, it is and it also has the highest number per capita in Australia of mobility scooters, right? Yeah, I mean it's Queens people do they do finish the marathon up in Queensland So there's there's a lot of old codgers up there, but there's also a lot of young throbbers if you will Well, I guess what I'm getting to add is we are net no longer in the eyes of the media this year the underdogs Maybe against a game three we are after that hiding in Perth But that is that why we cop that hiding is because we got confident and acted like a New South Wales I mean you would recall that the courier male I was a Gold Coast bully a couple of years ago when in the backflip happened in DC They pictured him as a blue because he's no loyalty No integrity. No, nothing backflip chasing the cast They blew they drew insect arms on him to say you're a filthy cockroach You should stay down there and now they've had to And this is again back in the day where cam Smith, you know Queensland's all about loyalty and mateship and sticking and Queensland It's all about Queensland people in Queensland love Queensland in a way that people in New South Wales simply dinner understand because Because they're just trying to build apartments and knock down stadiums before apartments Whereas in Queensland you listen to radio in Queensland and obviously one but who will be in Queensland here? It's a every every show starts with like instead of a welcome to country. So how good is Queensland? It's a great living isn't this the best day We're so likely from the best state in the world You don't hear that in radio and sitting you don't hear anyone say isn't this the best place in the world? So it's always had it like you say the underdog that the ragtag bunch of colonials and retirees and Robbers all putting together to go against the evil Empire They started to lose that by being it. Yeah, but being cocky or even confident Which was the weirdest thing to ever you got in uncharted territory for you guys So I think you know this the game too is a lose the battle win the war thing that you know Can you master strike because when Queensland win hi Bradley?
It'll be that they sacrifice game to in order to set it up because I can't think of Queensland about four or five dollars Right now and you know, and it's not it's not getting any better with good money with time. Yeah, it's a good investment So I think you're absolutely right where you need to be Yeah, and there'll be more celebrations up here north of the border the ambushes set the hole is dug There's a stick above it. And there's a Like a net the new south wales is walking in they're gonna trip over the stick. The Nets gonna fall the Queensland trap That's what you're calling.
I'm loving it. Are you still confident in New South Wales ability to lose the unlooseable? Supremely confident.
Yeah, and and I was listening to Gus school six tackles with Gus which which to me is for like for people who they probably get the same thing out of listening to a John Edward show or a Tony Robbins motivational tape Gus school to me is a spiritual text and he is saying exactly the same thing He said before game one Queensland can win this I am nervous and it's simply because you guys understand deciders Yeah, yeah You're four you're 15 and four in all-time origin deciders. New South Wales hasn't won a decider in Sydney since 2004 when I was in high school, I mean it's just looking bad Doing Well if it rains Oh some mud runners here I can Queensland's probably gonna do their ass Because everyone knows that Queensland can't play in the rain. Well, we learned that last night Maybe it was perfect. Maybe it was the fact that Queenslanders don't fly that much, you know I Go and get the services of Charlie Tia You've got a bad headache this is actually is a current debate in rugby league about you know Well, you've got to play in all conditions and again Gus was saying that this week in his podcast, which I made sure I listened to before I came here today and You should be able to adjust the condition So the argument, you know going to your Raiders who got done up in Darwin was that you should be able to cope with the heat No, that's a soft excuse in the same way that teams come down to Canberra should be able to cope with the coal So that's been discounted as a factor But travel is actually accepted because the Raiders took 17 hours to get from Canberra to Darwin Which means there's obviously an opening for a travel agent in Canberra. You can do a little bit better the second time this year Well fine a Perth would be the longest flight any NRL player makes in in a in a plane Yeah, it's playing Yeah, yeah I don't know how Ray Warren likes going over there, you know He doesn't like airplanes.
We heard about what happened So he accepted that he flew but he flew business and the new channel nine because they're owned by like private equity now It's not yeah Everyone else had to fly Economy and it was very much a talking point the whole time they were over there and I and I felt I felt the channel Coverage was about 10% off. I don't know if you yeah that as well if you fly Domestically in business class, you're a fucking pig. I mean there is no need Absolutely, no need you're looking at someone who does it We did that we did a Business class red eye from Perth. We actually have done that domestically after the different tour on the tour Yeah, we had someone to be the next day.
So yeah I You guys said something interesting before which um has stuck with me You said that Kevi Walters might be the most emotional man in rugby league Yeah, that is a hard-fought kind of crown. Yeah, because I've always said Gus Gould is I've always said Gus Gould is an emotional being and also the more I read Buzz Rothfeld also is he's just He he himself is well, he doesn't have that much Sort of reason because he hasn't had that many head knocks Yeah, I think the more times you've been had your head smashed against the cricket pitch. Yeah Yeah, I think you know that makes you a bit more emotional a little less stoic. Yeah It's all variations. Oh is it like I think Kevi is because like I hated the Walters brothers We have a playing not knowing that Kevi Walters is pretty much the nicest man in rugby league Right and and to me Kevi is a positive emotion, you know He's very naked and he's he's very sincere Gus who's like I think you know, first of all clearly the smartest man in rugby league But he also he's completely driven on height.
Yeah, you know, which is the actual DNA That's right. That's right.
I mean you do not cross that man. Did you see the double-take Errol took when he said naked? Why wasn't he in the commentary boxing game too?
There's something going on here Alright, and there's definitely something, you know, I've heard the the basic rumor is is that Gus is the architect behind the retooled New South Wales team He's holding his powder dry till he can go guys like Paul Kent after they win game three Yeah, and the Freddie and Gus are going as a package to the Canterbury Banks town bulldog Whereas buzz buzz I think has become more adorable as he's been on TV more because yeah first of all you feel bad for him because You know, he was sweating like a dog and he's early episodes of 360 and like David Letterman They turned the thermostat down and now you feel buzz is just slightly off the pace. You can't say to avoid bitch Yeah, so yeah, I think they're all emotional in their own ways yeah, it's an emotional game It's always been an emotional game Who do you think from the players perspective and this was an interesting one when? Hadley's son got caught with a bag of coke at the main fiddler. Hmm and The rugby league playing community took like they just loved it They loved every minute of that car and he was on Twitter saying haha, but you're gonna run him down now I had a who do you think they hate the most? I think it's between buzz and Hadley They I know the players hate buzz with a passion particularly crinola players.
Yeah Yeah, I would have said Ben I can yeah. Yeah, I really had been like at the most Yeah, well, you know, he's the ex players reinvented himself as a golfer. He looks like the New South Wales Treasurer He's smug deluxe.
Yeah. Yeah the high horse. Yeah.
He's so competent. Yeah, it's so analytical He keeps all those various personalities in check. He's also well He's erudite and if you look at him, I mean was an absolute lout when he applied he was out of shape He was always on it. And now he's just you know, exactly going to the Masters.
I reckon the players hate him Yeah, yeah, that's good What do you think is going on here? Obviously, I opened the show with a reference and a nod to a bygone era of New South Wales rugby league Yes, that was under Adonis. I believe those bonding sessions would became well-known That was Gus Gus Yeah Yeah The guys I think was 2003. Yeah Was that was that one the ones that Gus worked out Gus walked out of the press conference get they lost and Gus Stormed off the field. He was sitting on the sideline and he stormed off the field He swore in the press. This is where he invented swearing press conferences swearing in press conferences, which is Yeah There was there was actually a good story that Gus told about one of those bonding sessions at Coogee where Lou Rawls The great American soul singer happened Who I once saw sang that song on the American Music Awards, but he had a cough so you get the you'll never fight American Music Awards would be live And Lou Rawls got on the piano and all the boys got around Lou and that was part of a successful origin tilt Lou Rawls kept turning up in subsequent origin camps. He loved it so much. So it's it's kind of elusive But I think was five changes that were made on the back of that or seven changes in New South Wales went on to Win that was off the back of Gus having to discipline Gazan.
Yeah.
All right, meaning the other players Yeah, so those guys actually got moved on for the one game, right? They were stood down. Yeah That was about all Because it was it was 2003 2004 with it was the last back-to-back origin was yeah Yeah, that's right.
Yeah for New South Wales. That was yeah, cuz Gus invented Do you find something has changed with the New South Wales psyche after that because I'll tell you we watched the first match where it looked like we were we were going to lose in the first half we Lost the first half and I looked at it I remember thinking How in the fuck did these guys keep turning up to the pub for eight years because I hate this feeling now and we're 20 minutes into with 40 minutes into origin game one 2019 and I was hiding every minute of it and I know and everyone was there when they won it Everyone was there the year before when they thought they're gonna win it Everyone was there the Blues fans obviously keep turning up But has something changed in the psyche of the state because that was eight years I think it actually plays right into the narrative of state of origin, which is that Queensland has so much fire and passion and love for Queensland and doesn't understand why New South Wales doesn't love Queensland so that that's where the hatred develops and and so they you love Queensland so much and you hate New South Wales so much that if if there was a hundred years where Queensland won every year That hundred and first year hundred and third year. It's not like you know, you crack the time you kind of lose concentration They wouldn't lose concentration. They hate New South Wales that much There'll be just as much passion and burn and verve and vigor to win that hundred and third and hundred and fourth Whereas New South Wales, you know Queenslanders think New South Wales is arrogant because New South Wales doesn't care Yeah, it doesn't care. So if New South Wales did lose 103 they go Oh, yeah The Telegraph will be sack everyone and they just be sacking everyone and Gus Gould will be saying after you like you'd be two and three hundred years old You need to get me back. I know how to cure this The different writing suggests that we're less interested because we've had recent success Yeah, like the fascination is that it's a zenith when we're losing all those games, you know Why did the New South Wales place turn up at you they get 30 grand a game? Building what Dennis said I went to the 2001 out of the old I guess they used to call it a NZ stadium up in Brisbane Yeah, which was the Alfie Langer comeback And The first thing that really attracted me that game was the mascots were life-size Forex beer and a beer bottle in a Forex can No, you can't get the kiddies into drinking too soon as the there's the two mascots all around the thing But we were in the bleachers and they were like metal steps and seats Yeah, they invented that stadium for the comm game.
That's the Queen. Yeah.
Yeah 1982 with the winking kangaroo, right and I saw the New South Wales boys arrive on the bus and there was sheer terror in their eyes and I wasn't imagining it and Then I learned what it was. It wasn't that Queensland supporters support Queensland. They don't they are actively there to hate on New South Wales Yeah, and that is unique. That's really unique. It's much more about the other team Yeah, then it is about your own team and that's the heady formula that infuses Queensland players when they're generally under the pump Let's be honest.
That's that's why Canberra exists because every other state hates New South Wales so much that they wouldn't allow Sydney to be capital and that's why they had to make Canberra and Sydney said well We're not going to join the Federation of Melbourne's capital, huh? So everyone hates Sydney New South Wales the whole loss of the capital though couldn't never been Melbourne.
I Just think that whole Like that place and that state is just so detached From the rest of the river. Well, it's very Boring, I mean, yeah really is is like there's like a theme park I know it's like we've got to recreate a European city to make it feel better about where we're stuck And they did a hell of a good job.
It's got a dirty old river just like Waterloo Yeah, and I suppose in the dark days of the Blues origin team, you know In Sydney, they did have the swans who won two premierships in the dark days they had The Waratahs had also won Oh, no They hadn't that was a running joke in the devastating couple years ago when the waratahs won because that was the best joke in Australian Sport when did the waratahs last win the Australian Rugby Championship? never It's a trick question, but damn it. They won a couple years ago.
I think yeah, but it was it was great relief It was it led off a valve didn't it? Yeah, it gave her like something to cheer about So you hang on hang on just let's backtrack here.
You're saying that during the New South Wales dark days That's what are you putting a Gil MacLachlan thing? Are you saying this is an AFL conspiracy? The Queensland winning I'm saying that the you know that became the opiate of the people Yeah It went from being rugby league to being this hybrid game and it's still a thing with that They they'll go to the SCG and they'll throw on a red and white scarf outside and go which one's buddy. Yeah Yeah, you see I again this is like to me Those things were like little sideshows, but if you're a rugby league person in Sydney you care about the premiership Whereas I accept in Queensland, I feel you care more about ours. Yeah big time and especially, you know When the Broncos kind of first got going and then Broncos and origin was happening at the same time We'd be winning as many premierships with the Broncos as we were winning Origins yeah, so it could they kind of became one of the same thing. Yeah Chris you don't want to take your headphones off for this and walk out, but I do remember that the glorious moment in 1989 where I was at college in Lismore, which is half New South Wales kids half Queensland kids and All year I was going Queensland won the print won the origin that year and pretty much when there's an origin game There was a fight and there was blood those kids going to hospital and oh In uni at uni. Yeah But they're all mates like you're punching on with your mates for fun and I was saying during origin Yeah, but this is toy town.
You know, this is nothing. You've got you know, Alfie Langer and Wally Lewis is naughty and you know, it's just it's just nothing This doesn't mean anything what matters is a premiership and the Raiders are gonna win Raiders were 10th at this point Like ah, you're an idiot. I'm wearing them wearing my witch's jersey It kept going and going as the season went on said yeah See doesn't mean anything then Melman Inga wins the premiership and the first thing he says All right, this is better than having kids. This is better than origin. This is what it's all about Thank You Mel From the words of a Queenslander, but that's what it's all about. Sorry, Chris.
You can come back Wasn't that the year that we used to play like test matches like mid-season? And so Canberra had a few good players in those days from memory. Yeah, so when you all over in Wasn't it a three test series in New Zealand during the competition and Canberra lost all those games and that's why you only squeaked in To the playoffs and in fact you were better than and during origin as well. We lost a couple players to origin.
Yeah Yeah, I was I was at that game. I always In that one month.
I broke my leg. My house was robbed and Benny hits the crossbar I say break my leg again my house.
Just please let that go over the crossbar and life would have been a lot better You are Just like you are a long-suffering Tiger side of the merger fan. Yes. Here's a controversial opinion You might want to take your headphones off for this as well As you pointed out outside of the look on his face, oh listen as if any you can see It's ironic how you guys tried to keep Wes out of the merger for so long and then eventually, they became a bit more of a grassroots powerhouse and they've got a few more poker machines and a bit more a Bit more money and their power brokers, I guess within the merger How about this? Considering the West Tigers as a merger lose all the time and aren't really that inspiring and don't really have a Kind of heartland anymore.
What about we put the Balmain Jersey in a museum and Move West magpies to Ipswich so we can have the Western Corridor magpies Sorry, I didn't hear the question. I have my headphones off I Have the show rugby league the musical. Yeah in that show We have former Queensland premier Peter Beatty and he reveals the plans are in fact to move West's To right up to Western Queensland over to Perth Peter hasn't come across and also with the Tigers his plan is to merge them with the South Queensland Tigers who are based in Richmond Melbourne and that's his plan and imagine that imagine that merger having that the Richmond Tigers the Balmain Tigers having dusty Dusty could then play origin and he could you know, fend off cameltown roots Look, I've been to Ipswich and it could use a rugby league team So the team that should have gone was the team that didn't comply with the criteria ranked last South Sydney Right quite appropriately kicked out They only ended up winning a comp because they were saved by one person Russell Crowe who I'm looking forward to seeing play Roger Ailes in that Stan soap opera and Look if you go into South Sydney today, it's indistinguishable from the eastern suburbs. I'm in Maroubra to Vaucluse They're all the same So you just extend that and I are the Sydney roosters and then you've got a license take it to Ipswich Take it with my blessing because the rabbit should not be there And if you think about forgiving them for what happened in 1909 in the grand final You'd be wrong because I haven't forgiven them, you know for a certain fact like Ipswich has Queensland You know, it's full of artistic people sets it about like heavy Walters with bottom lip wobbling It would love being an emotional town that the Jets would love to have an NRL team dropped in Rabbits Charlie Frith Was a big part like I mean Queensland for years didn't have a team in the New South Wales rugby league So they would support each town would support wherever. Yeah golden boy went Yeah, right and yeah Western Queensland sent a few down to to the rabbit eyes obviously Roma that area They'll still support roosters because of arty Bateson. Yeah, but what you're getting at now, is that you know, red ferns being used up Yeah, I reckon gentrification kill rugby league Is this the issue with rugby league and talk about it does then it's completely fucked the fucking Tigers Balmain isn't exactly the Western Corridor Not a lot of shipbuilding going on All those factories Colgate Palmolive One Santo all now medium-density housing and people developing all sorts of health problems Works in Balmain that we are no longer the heartland of the West Tigers I'm prepared to concede that so but you know We can talk about all the things the threats that rugby league face like ex football is running the books We can talk about obviously the offseason from hell and What we I think we've just scraped the surface on is a generation of players who've grown up with iPhones I don't know if this is over yet But at the end of the day does gentrification kill the game does the game the game cannot exist in nice areas It kills league and it allows AFL to grow scourge.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I think there's no better example of that at the moment than the concussion debate and I heard Jess Halloran talking about this like, you know, there's a American researcher said that kids shouldn't play tackle football until they're 14 Yeah so how you gonna develop any skills if you can't tackle under your 14 and Steve mascot who I think writes very sensitively and intelligently on this subject. He has a doomsday clock around rugby league Five years ago. He said the game was a hundred and fifty years from extinction now. He's got it at less than 100 Climate change So I think gentrification You know health research people actually wanting to live happy and fulfilling lives are all threats to rugby league And we are probably about 15 years away from rollerball There'll be certain humans bred purely to go into that gladiatorial Short-term our necklace buttons.
Yeah, it's it's just it's like it's the evolution Do you think the jobs in rugby league are in danger of being automated, you know If it's like look look the Melbourne Storm is a huge experiment in that because they are pretty much automaton apart from the the highly emotional the most between him and Ricky for the most emotional coach Bellamy Yeah Because because you know, this whole competition could one day turn into robot Wars. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, and I mean and you can sort of see Examples at the moment of where the structural unemployment's occurring and where they're actually just creating things for people to do So I was out at the very Dewey Bank West Stadium last Thursday We're Benji Marshall failed to do the drop restart within 30 seconds, and we're all going. Oh, we've never seen that We've never seen that that was purely done that there's that person operating that clock has nothing to do, right? So they just allowed that to happen once to justify that person's job. These jobs are all going We don't need people to do any of these things because we get it wrong human error There was a sin-binning where a guy got back on the field a minute and a half too early I think in the the Penrith warriors game We actually need to take the human element completely out of it I mean the bunker only fails because there are people in there. Yeah, just that like you're saying this that there's job creation Well, if they let's make a second referee, there's a job creation Every time you put the human element in a rugby league it stuffs up There was about three years in a row where the Cowboys missed out on finals because oh Well, there's a Knock-on tried that went to manly. That's why Queensland is hate, New South Wales because it was a conspiracy a Phillip Street conspiracy I mean the rugby league isn't in Phillip Street anymore, but it's still a Phillip Street Conspiracy because it's just a trope that was the deal The deal was Queensland can have origin New South Wales has a premiership so they had to keep the Queensland teams out and that's why there was the you know, the The knock-on which was allowed to go forward as a try and that's why you'd see Paul Green and you see Da what's his name?
I've forgotten me so long gone the headgear the Queenslander. What's his name?
Every press conference When they be talking about the conspiracy they knew it they knew it Well, you know, it was a real blow and I'll tell you Bob cutters right about a few things But he was particularly right about this when when Queensland Had two teams in the grand final and they had to play at all funds arena or whatever the hell it was in in homebush They like two Queensland teams had to play in Sydney for the grand final and Then Qantas just does price gouging from townsville. So yeah All these guys in all those woods with a kubris who paid two grand one way to get there And they're just gonna figure it out after the match they might stay if they win the last Grand final and I'm pretty sure it's the only one to be played out in New South Wales was played at QE to in 97 Well, that was super super superly. So that was the parallel the Broncos beat the show. That was um, the not Scott Morrison Yes, we're dating Yeah, I think was a semi-final before that was no They were saying it was definitely that none of the grand finals This is the grand for the sharks that had so much frustration and he thought he'd finally be able to let go Go too early.
They didn't make it. By the way, that's why rugby league is beautiful because it's we say it's a game built on hate It's also basically a game built on failure Like the premiership has 15 16th of the population shattered every year because they end up losing right and even someone who has The most glittering storied career of any coach ie super coach Bennett in 2015. He's one tackle away From actually they'd go, you know what will make a coach and a mortal. Yeah, right and they didn't get it One Ben Haunt catching the kickoff away That's irrelevant. That was extra time Adam Blair was the one who got closest one tackle and they win the thing when he's first year back And even Bennett doesn't get the complete fairytale Well, and let's let's not forget that this whole game effectively is played under a team the Melbourne Storm Which is the most successful team of the last 10 20 years sure who come from an area where no one really cares about Rugby League, so we're all playing underneath this It doesn't really matter we you know second place is the winner really that's right They have had one Victorian born person play for the store 25 years. Yeah, that wasn't because that they've had one person who's come up through their juniors program.
Yeah Maybe came through the grassroots. Yeah.
Yeah I do feel sorry for those Tongans and Samoan guys who there's a big population in Melbourne and they don't really have much Representation in the AFL. So what what are they doing? They're looking for footy clubs to I think there's about 10,000 of them They're the ones that go to the rectangular stadium That's what it's called what's not when the the football did something here was it a comic games Commonwealth game.
Oh, no, they're the regular World Cup. No, it was that was the regular World Cup And they couldn't use like name. Yeah, but I think it was the regular World Cup Was a Melbourne rectangular state and they didn't call it, you know Bellamy states actually that's his actual name Yeah, that's it's a Melbourne rectangular statement.
That's that place. That's how much Melbourne cares about it That's actually a sledge That is that is so Disrespectful, it's the home brand. You haven't even coming name is ovals. We've got fucking cricket grounds, you know, they've all got these QE Illuminati is real pretty much. The gabber is dedicated to the Lions You know, it's just still called the gabber though. He has a name If the Illuminati is real and they are real they all live in Melbourne Yeah, there's no doubt about it behind the head and the NRL is just another plaything for them And meanwhile in the rapidly gentrifying areas north of Wagga People will continue to fight for that place below north of the Pirati line Exactly, right Well, thank you for joining us today guys.
It's um, it's been good just quickly tips for Wednesday well, I I'm tipping New South Wales, but Queensland will win because They're done They're only done done. They're not done done done, but two duns wins you a series, but I'm tipping New South Wales I'm tipping the ambush. Yeah, I'm tipping that I'm tipping this unsung bunch of ragtag Nobody's from Sydney and New Zealand and Tonga and even though the port headland boys go and they've still got the boy from Darwin Yeah The ragtag bunch is gonna get together and beat the evil Empire during the Darwin boys gonna be first try score. I Don't know but he'll certainly be the first try celebrator It's a celebration to be had the Darwin boy will be the one doing it Who do you guys like at $5? Simply cannot go past The Maroons, but as as a boy who was born and raised in Hong Kong, you know, this means nothing to me Thank you for joining us for I haven't given us your tip my tip I reckon Queensland are gonna win I reckon chambers might be first try. I reckon he's gonna light up Mmm, but that said you never know who's gonna love the I'll finish with this Queensland We don't have the Latrell folding Like we don't have players that fold like that. Even everyone said Pong had a shit match last match, but he was still there He was still at every tackle. He was still there Latrell goes missing, you know New South Wales players go missing, but the phenomena is people that no one talks about ever Stop scoring intercept fulfilled tries the gag eye chambers It's just like I'm back at whoever we haven't been talking about to school the first try Yeah, Queensland's a team full of awesome Filipinas They're just amazing Thank you.
Thank you. And speaking about going missing if you liked what you heard today from these dribblers You don't have to worry about never hearing from them again because they are there every week on the more fired-up podcast You can find them across all podcast platforms. That's it from us this week on the Batutah advocate radio show I'm Clancy overall and my name is Errol Parker buybacks to boots RM Williams boots Arthur fuckwits You |
SaturdayNightLive | season_48_new_cast_q_a_snl | All right, let's go! let's go! let's go! let's go! let's go! I mean, maybe, I mean, for me, I feel like it was right before our first sketch in that cold open. it's cold! it's got the juice! that felt crazy. Yeah, that's true. like, be there and be like, you know, it's just like a thing you've never done before and you're in front of all these people and, like, the lights felt so bright that day. and then they'd be like, okay, go, do your thing. I feel like when we're, it's live and we're about to start a sketch and they're counting down, like, 30 seconds or more to switch off, they're like, and I'm like, this is crazy! We do love, we love each other. Well, I speak for myself. Yeah.
Molly loves us. I love my fellas. Molly's the most loving one of all of us. Molly's got the biggest heart.
No, my gentlemen, I'll have the different angst. we have a big dressing room, so everybody loves to come hang out. and they love to, like, eat our candy and then love to sit down and they'll be like, oh, why y'all keep it like this? it's not that bad. Yeah, you should take this. this should be different. Mike, go sit somewhere else in. Michael is a road dog. Michael eats eggs from a gas tank. that's what we should add to this. water? egg guy, add it again. my guy cannot stop. Do you have anything to say for yourself? that one didn't come in a bag. Yeah. this Tv won't change me, baby.
I love this job. and my friend. Yeah, I do love that we got to come in as a unit. because I think it's safe to say we're all besties. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_183_Andy_Griffiths | I don't think that day will ever come in this great state Clancy. It certainly won't help with the vaccine hesitancy we're seeing in central Queensland.
Hopefully we can speed it up, maybe a couple cash payments or again free tickets to a sporting event, powder finger concert, that might do the job but you know for the sake of Australia we do hope that everyone can lift because there are still people that are living a life that we don't want to be living. Poor people in Melbourne have been locked down, some people, how many days now, 285? I'd be almost a thousand in Melbourne. And one of those poor Victorians is joining us today coming live from Australia's most European city is the famous and treasured Australian author Andy Griffiths, thank you for joining us today.
That's my pleasure, what else have I got to do anyway? I've got to kill this day somehow. That's the first thing I want to ask you Andy, is this current historical event that we're living in which has resulted in a lot of people being indoors, is that an ideal scenario for you as a writer or do you kind of get as smothered as everyone else with the news cycle? No, it is an ideal scenario for a writer, in fact I was joking with my wife Jill, she's an editor, we've been preparing for lockdown all our lives, we've got a library full of books, we still haven't made a dent in and I certainly had a lot of deadlines to catch up on, which I've almost caught up now that we've had 18 months of it, I think I'm almost breathing easy for the first time in many decades.
Now you came from, you're an educator, a teacher, early part of your career you were doing both, teaching English and writing these books. Did you find you were able to impart things on the kids as an author that you probably couldn't do as a teacher? Was there an element of that in not only teaching the curriculum but also becoming a part of it? There was, although what I did just before becoming a teacher, I'd been in punk rock bands in Melbourne, like everyone.
Yeah, I was just about to say that, it seems like everyone we speak to from... Even the politicians, some of them have been in bands. Politicians, you know, apparently, what's his name buddy, someone was in TISM or something. Yeah, we had one of the TISM guys on the other day, yeah.
And of course you were truly, I mean, alternative rock was the term, but it was a gothic farmyard, was that the band there? That's correct, you've done your research. The first half of the 80s was a real experimental time for music in general and particularly in Melbourne where, you know, I've always put it down to the weather's not quite as nice as up where you are, so we do spend a lot of time indoors, a little more interior, a little more depressed in some ways, but that's kind of helpful for creativity because you find ways to get out of that. So at that point, anyone could get up on the stage and do anything and find an appreciative audience. Especially punk, punk is conducive to that because it's very subjective, punk rock music. Some people might say it sounds like a bunch of screaming cats and some people might sound like it sounds like the voice of the youth. Yeah, well, you know, there was a lot of punk too in Queensland because, you know, back then we were living under a dictatorship back then, you know. You invented it with the Saints and Strand and arguably one of the first punk rock singles in the world, alongside Ramones and the Sex Pistols. It all just emerged at the right time. But yeah, a dictatorship helps.
So I was into it because I loved writing. I'd written words all through my life and writing parody songs. And I ended up as a singer, although I prefer the term vocalist.
And we would smash cans. It didn't sound like music half the time. It was just interesting noise.
And eventually I realized my limitations and I thought it's the words I really, really love. So I got out of that, started writing seriously and practicing my writing, fell into teaching. And for the first time, I was in a remote country school, teaching kids who didn't like reading, who thought books were for losers and, you know, the last thing you'd want to do. And I just thought they were making a terrible mistake. And I was quite subversive without trying to be subversive in that classroom because I'd come from Melbourne to a conservative country town, Mildura.
Beautiful. I know it well. You do? Yeah. What's your connection? Oh, you know, I've been around the traps, Andy. Yeah. I've been up and down the river a few times. Yeah. It's almost you can almost drive straight, like true south from Batuta and you'll be in Mildura. Oh, okay. Got it.
Totally exotic. Like the sun's out all the time and just an oasis. And I found myself just talking normally and the kids would go, wow, we've never thought of that.
Yeah. And I was like, oh. But I started writing stories for the day my bum ran away and they went, this is great. Can we write something like that? And I said, of course you can.
And so pretty soon we had this little self publishing thing going on in the classroom where they would write silly, funny stories. I would photocopy them into little books in the photocopy room and distribute them around the school and say, look at that. You're now authors. You're connecting with other students. The other students want to do this now. So that's how my own writing sort of took off from a self publishing empire based in the photocopy room at Mildura Secondary College.
Yeah. Thanks. Did you find with the curriculum, particularly with young boys, the curriculum always involves some sort of book that might even make a young kid feel depressed about things. You know what I mean? I always found that interesting that they make young people read books like The Outsiders and stuff like that, where it's really, I mean, if you're a teenager or a young person going through stuff, you really want to read about the most depressed version of your life. And then on the other end of that, it's either that or you're riding a dragon in some magical fantasy land. There was there was nothing that fun for them. That's right.
That was the big gap that was the obvious gap that was missing. And when I take them to the library for free reading, they'd wander the shelves aimlessly, picking out books and checking out whether the type was very big, was too small. And they put it back and I'd say, what are you looking for?
And they go and say something funny. And I would try to help them find something funny. But there was precious little, except for, you know, Australia's funniest yarns. Which might have been funny a hundred years ago.
The Loaded Dog by Henry Lawson. I was just about to say The Loaded Dog.
Nothing against it. But it's not talking to those kids in late 80s who are already watching The Simpsons and watching movies and playing wild computer games where there's no limits on the imagination or expectation that they're going to be taught something of great value to them. And I thought, well, that's my early reading experiences were all like that. And they are as much as I can now.
They were wild adventures, romps, you know, escapism. And while there is a place for the outsiders and certainly the catcher in the rye was my go-to in secondary school, although I'd argue there's a lot of humor leavening that, his existential crisis. So yeah, that's what I just went, why is no one writing what I would call serious humor? It's all kind of lame. Or it's adults trying to get down with the kids and be funny and you pick it and the kids can pick it in 10 seconds.
But when I tried to improve my writing, I was trying to write seriously and I just could not do it. The energy that came out was a young teenager, punk rocker who just wanted to mess things up and be stupid. And after a few years of trying desperately to be a proper writer, I went, nah, I can't do it. I just got to give into this stupidity.
That's my thing. And I think the kids at that point realized, ah, he's not trying to be funny. He just is naturally left of center and we're interested. Yeah. Do you find, you know, if you've been doing it for a couple of decades now, do you find you meet writers, whether they be serious ones or, you know, people doing similar stuff to what you did, can you see your influence or, and do you ever hear from people that would claim it? I do. Apart from the patoota advocate, of course. Yeah, you get it.
And I suspect you get how much hard work there is in crafting humor. It's a deceptive art form because it's meant to look like you're just throwing it off the top of your head and being a smart ass. But it actually, to get humor to work in print requires endless amounts of work and dedication and an inquiry into the craft of what you're doing and why. So yeah, there are people who, who are influenced or say they are, but sometimes I wonder if they're really going deep enough to make it super funny. Like I would, when I first encountered the books of Jeff Kinney, a wimpy kid series, I was in US at the time in about 2008 and it was such a thrill because I went, Oh my God, someone else is mining the humor shaft in a really deep and profound way.
Yeah. He hit some gold, didn't he? I mean, like there's just, he'd be making squillions off that now, wouldn't he? His book sales are in the hundreds of millions. Yeah.
He's got movies and TV shows, mugs, t-shirts, mouse pads. And it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy is really what you want him to be. And also he has the advantage of being able to draw as well as, and that is one of the rarest combinations on the planet. Although I think he looks at what me and Terry does and it's a bit baffled and, and would like to do that yourself. So yeah, there are advantages to a partnership because the other one's throwing you curveballs all the time.
Well, I was just about to ask, how did you go from working in a high school in the Sunraysia to meeting Terry? It's been a creative partnership that's, you know, spanned, you know, tens of books. It's, yeah. How did it start?
Well, I was in Sunraysia and I was thinking, gee, I'd love to do this full time. I'd love to write full time, but like that's a crazy dream, but I'm just going to put half my pay aside and you know, a couple of years I'll get leave without pay and I'll go back to Melbourne and like do it full time and take a writing course.
And in the meantime, I was generating all these little bits and pieces for my classes. So there were dreams, like little sketch comedy cartoons and silly random ideas, not proper stories, just provocations. And eventually an educational publisher saw the collection said, oh, this would make a great creative writing textbook for other teachers. And I said, okay, but yeah, we'll just put the exercises at the bottom. So it's like a collection of randomness.
And they said, we'll get this guy Terry Denton to illustrate. He's got a good sense of humor.
And so I didn't know him, but his picture when it came back, that was called Swinging on the Clothesline about how to, how to have fun and destroying your parents' clothesline. And he had the kids not only swinging on the clothesline, but flying off into outer space.
And I was like, perfect, you know, this, this guy gets me and he eventually helped me to get published, the first Just book, Just Tricking, that was published four years later with him on board as the established part of the partnership, because no one, none of the other publishers could understand what I was trying to do. Yeah, it's entertaining, but we can't see a market for this.
And I was like, well, I know one, they're right in my classroom right at the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, on the ground with these kids in Mildura. Exactly.
And also, as you would know, humor, when something new comes along, it takes a little while to learn the rules. You know, you watch a sitcom or a sketch show, often it's not that funny the first time through. And then you watch the second one and you go, okay, okay, I know it's, oh, this is funny. And then you really fall in love.
So I knew there would be resistance because what it appeared that I was doing in the JustBooks was just encouraging kids to embrace anarchy and go out of control and be rude and backchat and the whole bit. And I knew I wasn't because I knew that was the job of the character in the story to do that. But that doesn't mean that a kid is going to automatically robotically do that thing. And that was the big battle for the next few years. I mean, librarians, teachers, booksellers, parents, down, that it's okay for stories to be out of control and silly. Because it's actually what we want as a reader, particularly a young one.
So you kind of came through during quite a golden age for, you know, young adult and children's authors. You had your Gleitzman's and your Jennings as well running around. Maybe they were targeted a bit earlier and probably a bit older too with their audience. But do you look back at that era and think we really had found a voice. So we really had found, particularly with Australian, the cultural identity as well. You kind of had gotten to the point where you knew how to write for Australian kids too. And I'm sure your books have translated elsewhere in the world, but it took a while for adults to understand kids in this country.
Exactly. And it was certainly an Australian voice. In fact, I did have to go back to the Just Tricking last year and kind of rewrite it for the modern era because there were so many anachronisms. And I think I said the word bloody and hell, which I would never do now, but seemed quite normal and what I needed to do at that time. But now it was coming across quite harsh. Nowadays you'd say frickin'. No, I wouldn't say frickin', that's already dated. It's interesting though, because the world, if anything, has gotten, in terms of that stuff, it's gotten more open and less conservative about what you can and can't say. But at the same time, you've got to really watch what you write and watch what you say and how much more than what you did in the mid-90s. That's correct. Yeah, it was incendiary even back then what I was doing. But you could push it through.
Just as a side note, nothing I wrote was translated or published with any success until the Treehouse series in 2000, overseas, until 2011, 2012. And we actually wrote that because we just gave up on ever thinking an overseas audience would understand our Australian knockabout humour.
But Treehouse has had all the sharp edges and rough edges knocked off it. It's just anarchy, but only about 10%, whereas the Just books were 80% anarchy, which works for readers like you, but not for everyone. It's a bit too thrashy, punk rock thrashy. And so by the time we got to Treehouse, we'd got a lot of stuff out of our system. And we were going, hey, let's try a story where everything isn't going out of control all of the time. That would be radical.
And that's how we connected with an even younger audience and a bigger audience. And many overseas publishers suddenly understood what we were doing. That's a very Australian format that doesn't translate overseas, is the idea of plugging holes as they open up.
And then you finish the story with an anti-climax, you know what I mean? Or you've got another disaster that you finish with.
A great example is a TV show, Rake. Australians love Rake.
And they tried to make it in America with Greg Kinnear. Just didn't work. It didn't work because Americans need that blazing glory at the end of an episode, which you just don't get with Australian humour.
Yeah, he's stuffed up again. Oh, we'll wait till next episode to see how he gets out of this one.
Kind of like what they did too with the in-betweeners in England, how that's like very dry English humour. And they tried to put it into an American context. And it was just probably the worst thing that anyone has ever paid to produce in the history of television.
That's a big claim. It's unbelievable.
From the people that brought us reality TV. Yeah, cross-cultural humour is one of the biggest, high-wire, most dangerous acts you can engage in. I mean, it worked for The Office from UK to US. And they worked hard on that too. They made that work. And it was just integral that they had the same kind of talent in England, in America as well. But you're dealing with the best of the best in that circumstance too with television. But you say you found your way with the Treehouse series over there.
Another question I want to ask is, and we don't like it, political correctness. People can talk about this all they want. But at the end of the day, you realise it's quite, at least in our experience, it's much more of an idea than it is an actual concept. It's something that people limit themselves with a lot of the time.
But how did you find that line? Because there's a line that would have been just as big a part of your job as the actual writing, as figuring out that line.
You called it, the day my bum went psycho. But you could have called it, the day my arsehole went, you know what I mean? You could have called it, the day my arsehole went absolutely fucking bananas.
You know what I mean? Yeah, well, I did consider that, of course. Yeah, yeah.
No, bum was just the right degree of rudeness. It was a soft, rude word. It didn't seem terribly harmful. But in the very highly conservative world of children's literature in Australia at that point, it was just rude enough to get people's attention.
And that was exactly what I wanted to do, to try to ram a bit more freedom through for everyone to relax and realize that books can be fun and silly and chaotic, as well as your outsiders and books that have a more overt message. But we need a wide reading palette to attract the biggest possible cache of readers.
So it just felt rude, but not ridiculous. Yeah. Did you did you relish in your status as the bad boy of children's literature? I loved it. It was felt totally punk rock. I think I never said I was a role model. Yeah, I was like, oh, come on. And I think at the time I was helped enormously.
We'd had four just books out tricking, annoying, stupid, disgusting, crazy. So that was getting increasingly out of control as we got confident and the kids were egging us on and we're going, OK, OK. And then I said, I could use this platform because a lot of librarians were saying, look, I had to take your books out of the library because a parent complained that their kid came home with it. And I said, well, why should the whole school suffer because one parent complains? And they go, well, we don't want a quiet life. And I said, no, your job is to make sure all kids have reading material. So that really angered me. And I said, I'm going to write this book with a ridiculous title and force you all to say bum over and over again until it becomes normal and we can all get on with our lives.
So that was its purpose. And it got banned. I was the reading ambassador for a reading campaign. And I think the federal education minister at the time banned that book cover from being on the poster. Oh, right. And the pan Macmillan publicist at the time, Jane Novak rang me up, said, guess what? And she said, your book's been banned. And I said, is that good or bad? She said, it's fantastic. And I was on the page, page three of The Age the next day. And so it took it into a whole other realm.
After a while, it did get tedious because I actually, we went back for another serve with the bad book and the very bad book, which were cautionary tales gone mad. Everyone was bad and everything was bad and it was chaos. And a lot of that attracted another round of sort of hate from particularly even conservative radio DJs.
Oh yeah. So you're encouraging kids to set fire to cats. And I was going, I am not, you know, can you just read this a little more carefully? No. And I did eventually tire of five or six years of notoriety. And that's when we started exploring other areas. But yeah, it was, it was a lot of fun. And to get back to an earlier question you asked, there is a sort of bum literature now, which claims me as a, as a inspiration. Yeah, okay. Yeah.
And sometimes it's funny and sometimes I'm not very proud. So writers often talk about, I mean, writers don't like talking about it, but people who talk about writers like to talk about writer's block. But what they don't also talk about is when you're hitting your straps, which, you know, we've, we've done a, we've published a few books in the shape with Pituto and, you know, in the same format as the actual website. And that we wouldn't be able to claim either because it's basically, you know, a best of each year kind of thing.
Yeah. But there were times where you were, you had how many projects on the go where you were absolutely ripping, you were creatively, you were just, you know, it was like hitting the perfect golf ball. When do you think that was or if it isn't locked down, when, when do you think you found yourself actually in full flight as a writer? Ooh, it's been a long, a long flight really. Yeah.
It took 10 years from, from Sunraysia to publication of Just Tricking to kind of figure out how to be completely comfortable and my own voice and to get the effect I wanted. So I did take 10 years of experimenting. And then Just Tricking is a tentative step. And then Just Annoying is where it hits and I kind of figure out what I'm doing. And then it was just extending it each year to the point of incorporating Terry more, that became, that was the point of the bad books to get us to write together in a room, making each other laugh and coming up with it at the point rather than me doing something and him illustrating later. So yeah, well look, we've had such a great, throughout the two thousands, we were just putting out experimental books.
The Cat on the Mat is flat.
What Bummer Saw is that? What Body Part is that?
Just mad books. And that's how we eventually hit the Treehouse series, which was just another experimental book. And since then, it does take us roughly a year to write each book. So it's a slow motion kind of hitting the straps. Because you can back at any point and if something's not working, you can fix it. And so I do need a long time to figure them out. Now, Terry and you, as you said before, 33 bestselling books between you together.
Could we have the same conversation with him? You know, he's, this is what he's doing. Like, is he doing anything else? Or is it you're basically working on each project together and have done for these last couple of decades?
Yeah, we love working together. And he calls us like brothers, brothers in stupidity. When I came along, he realised that as a writer, I could offer him places to go that were more wild and free than anything else he was being offered. And in the same way, when he illustrates my stuff, it excites me and inspires me to write new stuff to kind of lift to his standard. And that's, that's how we work. One offers something, the other improves it, the other tops that. And so that's a real joy.
He has other sides to him, though. I've only got stupidity and obnoxiousness. Whereas he does beautiful watercolour picture books and paints.
Yeah. He's a great painter. Yeah.
So he, he explores other areas and he would probably say, oh, this, this is kind of Andy's show, even though he's very much, I couldn't do it without him. Has he ever pulled you up and said, Andy, really, what are we doing here? Where are we going? Or is he very much on your level as a brother in stupidity? He's almost 99% of the time on my, on my level.
I think we did a book last year, 130 story Trias, where I, cause I grew up reading horror comics and science, Twilight Zone, science fiction stuff. HP Lovecraft stuff. Oh, it was totally influenced by that.
Yeah. By Ray Bradbury. Yeah.
Pre-code American horror comics is my, is my joy, my secret shame and my joy. My voice.
Before they even regulated them in the early fifties. Those, that industry was out of control and they were just going anywhere and it's jumping in and wonderful period.
And I take endless inspiration from that. And so I had the idea, I wouldn't it be funny if a giant flying eyeball, uh, sucked the tree house up along with Andy, Terry and Jill and took them to Iballia. And, um, you know, we had an intergalactic space adventure. And yeah, he didn't quite seem to enjoy drawing the flying eyeballs or the blobs on blobdromeda. And so I had to ask for quite a few redraws and I think he was getting a little over it at that point.
So the, uh, the forthcoming book is, is a nice camping adventure in the tree house. So that's 143, it's 143 story tree house out now or coming out now? Uh, coming out in October the 19th. So it'll be out in time for the Christmas stockings as well for all the, uh, for all the parents out there listening in.
You said this is more of a bit less horror core. Yeah, even Jill, uh, got, got sick of it. Oh, I don't get all this stuff. And I said, don't worry.
There's plenty of kids like me out there who will, and it's the 11th, 130 was the 10th book. So each book we try to do something that we haven't done before. So it's, it's got to go somewhere different and you jumped through other hoops and must say what Terry did ultimately was just amazing.
He, he brought eyeballia and blobdromeda to life and total success in my eyes. But I promised them both.
We would just do a nice domestic adventure. Uh, not quite so much action epic.
Now you talk a lot over the years. I'm not sure this is not your number one cause, but you have mentioned, uh, you know, the, the cotton wool wrap kids that we, we, we are seeing from time to time. You know, trampolines now have nets around them and, and a scooter now has two tires up the front so the kids don't fall off.
Yeah. And they're not even allowed to play with firearms down the back shooting cans anymore. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or birds. Or roos or stray cats. Stray cats. Yeah.
It is, it is an interesting thing that you would have seen in your, um, you know, throughout your career when the early days of these, these kids in, I'm sure these kids in Mildura had had slingshots in their back pocket. Shanghai, as they were called back then, you know, and they'll probably shoot ball bearings at passing cars and now, and now the kids aren't doing that kind of stuff. And there, there is an element of obviously safety is important, but also so is those, uh, those different lessons you learn along the way.
Is that something you still kind of feel? And, and has the internet only kind of, uh, boosted that, that kind of, uh, protection racket around the kids? Yeah, I, it's really hard. I, for a long time I was on that. We need to relax, um, the restrictions on kids and, and calm our own fears about what might be out there.
But, uh, I'm just searching for his name, the, uh, ABC broadcaster and author, uh, wrote the book, the land before avocado. About growing up in Australia. Um, yeah, he's a very famous ABC writer, Richard, but he just cautioned on that. Look, history is written by the survivors.
The kids didn't, some kids didn't survive the seventies. It wasn't through enlightened parenting. We were all running around with those things. It was partly through neglect. So yeah, I wouldn't want to go completely back to the days of the wild west, but in some ways what I am more concerned about is that kids are allowed to have free, unstructured time. That's not filled up with adult directed activities. I think if you go back to my childhood in the seventies, that was a major characteristic. They, they weren't trying to make you, education was important, but it wasn't the be all and end all. They didn't feel it was their job to keep me entertained. I had to, we made our own fun and that doesn't have to be dangerous fun.
And I think if the lockdown, if there is one benefit of a thousand days in lockdown, it has been one of them is the discovery of simple pleasures. Again, the bike paths, the walking paths outside our house are absolutely full again. And the sheer joy for both mum and dad and the kids for the kid to leave the house for an hour by himself or by herself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That was taken for granted before this because we could do it all inside. Yeah.
And you know, another thing that I think has contributed to my longevity as a writer is that I'm a physical fitness enthusiast, have been since the age of 10. What are we talking? We're talking cyclists, cycling, running, circuit training, swimming, you name it. I'll, I'll throw myself at it. But I think there's a lot of research coming out now to show that has a tremendously helpful effect on our moods, on our brains, on our creativity, on imagination.
So that just getting out and moving is good. It doesn't have to be riding a billy cart with three wheels down a really steep hill towards a brick wall. It's the movement that's important.
That is the thing, you can get caught up in this like misplaced nostalgia about the good old days. But everyone, you know, when we're talking about that, we tend to neglect the scary priests and the belt that would come out when you get in trouble and that kind of stuff, you know. But then again, it is also great for kids to run around for two hours until they're absolutely out of steam. Yeah, yeah. You do see a lot of that in lockdown, you see some poor bloke taking the kids to the park and just kicking the football as far as he can, making them run it back, do it again, go home so you can, you know, go to sleep. No, I really feel for kids with, for parents with young kids, I think it must have been really, really tough.
Yeah. That was my go-to with my daughters, go to the park. Yeah. Well, you're still at it and we're very, we're very excited that, you know, the kids today still have access to the Andy Griffiths that the kids for now decades have had. So 143 Treehouse is out back into this month. And yeah, it's a real treat for any bookworms and any kids that you reckon could be a bookworm if given, you know, something that piqued their interest. Completely.
And, uh, yeah, the, what I would say just to finish would be the imagination is one of the unregulated wild spaces. So you can, you can go to dangerous places and imagine dangerous things. And I think that's tremendously important.
So come to the Treehouse, pat the sharks in the, the man eating sharks in the shark tank without a fence, throw bowling balls around, don't worry if they hit anyone down the bottom. And have marshmallows for dinner from the marshmallow machine.
Yeah, it's, it's, uh, it's, it's, it's great stuff. And as, as we said before, it's, um, there's a consistent stream and you and Terry are going to keep, uh, keep giving the kids these kinds of stories and give them, uh, uh, help them expand their imagination like that. So thank you for joining us today. Andy Griffiths, it's been an honor to chat to you. It's been an honor to chat to you too.
You're my favorite source of news. In fact, you're my only source of news.
Thanks, Andy. Very much. |
dropout | why_a_wall_won_t_stop_immigration_adam_ruins_everything | illegal immigration is out of control our borders are unprotected we need to build the wall Eso mia susta pro bella tinera son ay tanta gente le gal aqui y destrugen a nuestra economia una para el ponria fin a la emigration de le gal if we don't oh no Eso is super incorrecto la verdad es que la pared no la gria nada building a wall would actually increase the number of illegal immigrants in America what? how could it possibly? here I'll show you just building the wall would be practically impossible this is where it would be it would have to stretch over 2,000 miles of rough terrain cutting through mountains rivers villages and even people's homes and all that destruction is monstrously expensive just building the wall would cost between fifteen and twenty five billion dollars it would easily be one of the single most expensive pieces of infrastructure in American history costing as much as twenty Hoover dams or NASA's entire annual budget not to mention the astronomical cost of staffing and maintaining the wall which taxpayers like you and your children will be stuck paying forever I paid for the wall my father's father paid for the wall and one day you will pay for the wall because this is wall world even just faking the wall for our show was prohibitively expensive looks like our CGI budget ran out okay yes it may be expensive but that doesn't change the fact that once we build it it will work not like you think increasing security at the border will never stop illegal immigration why not no one's getting past me yes they are because it's estimated that between twenty seven and forty percent of all undocumented immigrants in America came here on planes I forgot about planes these immigrants didn't sneak over the border they came here legally through passport control then just overstayed their visas and guess what border wall's not going to stop them because reminder planes can fly over walls you fools you forgot about planes we always forget about planes even by your estimate of visa overstays the wall would still stop about half of America's eleven million illegal immigrants no it wouldn't because of a little something called circular flow here I'll show you for decades immigration to the US was a circular flow people would come work for a bit and then after they were done go home to their families meet Douglas Massey thanks Adam arms are getting pretty tired waiting for my cue he's a professor at Princeton and a pioneering researcher on this topic when the Reagan Bush and Clinton administrations drastically increase border enforcement in response to public opinion they stop that circular flow not by keeping people out but by keeping people in as it got harder and harder to go back and forth people crossing the border decided they were much better off just staying in the U.S. I seem to be the only job is in Mexico if I go back to Mexico now he won't let me back in the U.S. guess I'll just stay here in Tucson ironically this increase in border enforcement caused the number of undocumented immigrants living in the United States to skyrocket by two hundred and forty eight percent it's counterintuitive but building a wall wouldn't stop people from coming in it would actually stop them from going back in fact the whole idea of building a border wall is misguided the Mexican economy is doing quite well right now and population growth is slowed way down so there's not much pressure to immigrate the number of illegal border crossings is actually at an all-time low if you're a professor then why are you in the desert I'm not I'm a mirage I'm a mirage look we already have what has to be the most militarized border between any two nations at peace so the real issue of immigration isn't the people coming in the fact is they're already here nearly one out of every thirty people in America is an unauthorized immigrant the only thing a wall stops is a discussion of actual solutions oh my god Adam you're right the wall isn't the answer good I'm so glad I could help millions of people are already here we need to deport them yes deportation is the answer no I'm not I'm not I'm not going to be able to explain why the deportation is not a solution I'm not going to explain it hey guys Adam here if you like that be sure to watch new episodes of Adam ruins everything every Tuesday at 10 on true TV |
dropout | how_to_turn_your_couples_costume_into_a_singles_costume | Hello fellow fright fiends, a most spooky greeting to you and yours. Although if you're watching this, yours is presumably now someone else's. Okay, so if you're anything like me, this year you found the perfect couple's costume. But apparently you weren't the perfect couple, according to him. But hey, Halloween's all about masks. So put on your vest, I'm doing okay, mask, and let's DIY. Do it yourself, you're a you now, not a we, there's no more us.
What's April O'Neil without her Michelangelo? A nameless extra from the movie Outbreak.
All you need is gloves, duct tape, and a plastic bag, and your role in a 90's movie references. Plus if you run into him and his new girlfriend, that plastic bag on your head is going to come in really handy. So your Jon Snow melted. No problem, your furry egret costume easily becomes an adorable tauntaun. All you need is two old bananas, and you're ready to become some new emotionally distant man child's sleeping bag, or a doormat.
This is, sorry, would have been, adorable, would have passed tense. Let's say you've got peanut butter, easy peasy sadness release me, glue some bananas and bacon on there, and you're an open face almost sandwich. Now let's say you've got jelly. One night everyone's going to be asking you, where's peanut butter? You'll be like, with her, what could she give you that I can't? An STN? I'm sorry, you guys seem really happy together. To anyone who says, where's the peanut butter? I say this, actually, the jam sandwich was popular with working class Brits after 1880 when they lifted the sugar tacks and jam was cheaper to make. Or just go bottomless. If anyone asks, just say, I'm here to jam out with my clam out. I don't know.
But of course, not every couple's costume can be repurposed. So sometimes you need a plan B. Or just be a ghost. Use the sheet that you two made love in and be a ghost. Like he was, after you two made love. Cold, distant, deathly, quiet.
Effie, is that you again? No, it's me, your new girlfriend. I'm his girlfriend. What? No, she's an imposter.
Quick, you have to kill one of us. Where did you get this? Tell it off the cops belt. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_airbnb_design_commercial_snl | Bland. Generic. Downright uninviting. I'm Chanel. And I'm Chanel. And Together, we can make your rentals pop with plain furniture and art for nobody. Art Pieces like. Albert Einstein with his tongue out. Black and white child holding red balloon. And Of course, a single unsettling photo of the family that actually lives here. Why Stay in a hotel, one for basically the same amount of money? You Could stay in a place with worse sheets and a camera in the toilet. Hi. But Our designs aren't just beautiful. They're also functional. That's why we'll make sure your listing has an impossibly complicated lockbox. 700K cups. 12 page packet on how to take out the garbage. Politically ambiguous artwork. And Of course, a foreboding locked closet labeled, owner stuff, do not touch. Still Not sold? Just Listen to one of our satisfied customers. Before Chanel and Chanel decorated my Airbnb, it was a little drab. But Now, there's some writing on the wall. You may already know us from our work on. Cozy Casita Steps from LAX. And The Wonka experience in Glasgow. Still Don't believe us? Just Listen to one of our satisfied customers. What? Hi. What? Oh, you already date me. Oh. So Come enjoy our classic designs with the utmost privacy. Bye. Chanel and Chanel Interior designs for Airbnbs. Leave Your vacation to the amateurs. Thank you. |
dropout | hardly_working_voicemail | Of course not. Your merit page is stupid enough as it is. Why would anyone want anything stupider? Alright, shut up. Calm down.
Keep them on the line. We'll figure something out. Uh, we could send a message via Carrier Pigeon? Would you like that option? Say yes or no. Uh, no. No. Okay, Carrier Pigeon? Those are extinct, you idiot. Okay, tell them we can send a message via... Western Union Telegram. Huh, really? Yeah, I think we can do that. Say yes or no. Um, no. I'm out of ideas. Alright, let me drive. Alright, transcribed and sent by the United States Postal Service. Additional fees do apply.
No. Scrawled in lipstick on a bathroom mirror. No.
Delivered in person by a sound alike who can perfectly mimic your voice. Awesome, can I hear it?
Uh, no. Written on paper. Tied to an arrow and shot at the recipient's home. No. Delivered. Telepathically. No. Sealed in a time capsule. To be opened on a date of your choosing. Um, meh.
Tied around the neck of an adorable puppy who is embarking on a great adventure with his friend. An adorable cat to deliver your message. What kind of dog? A labradoodle.
No.
Written in blood. In an insane asylum many years ago by a crazed patient who disappeared one rainy evening. But just days ago it reappeared in fresh blood, leading many to wonder if the crazed man has returned.
Hey! Hey, I was just leaving you a message.
We're okay. We're all gonna be okay. I actually might not be. We're all gonna be okay.
Have you ever pressed one for more options? It's weird. |
TheOnion | Wake_Up_Call_For_A_Bad_Tooth_Brusher_Dr_Good_Ep_5 | Dr. Goode would like to invite you and your loved ones to GoodeCon 2013. GoodeCon is the Southwest's biggest TV doctor appreciation conference with appearances by Dr. Lisa, Dr. Tanis and Dr. Ngoome and featuring insult comedian Danny Vollmer, Nobel Prize winning economist Paul Krugman and Star Trek The Next Generation's Gates McFadden with performances by Finger Eleven and Dream Theater.
If you care about living then get your passes now plus only $830 gets you VIP access for the entire weekend and a chance to take a one-minute dip in the pill pit. All the pills you can grab are yours. Accommodations and food not included.
Welcome back to orifice week on Dr. Goode. Today we're taking a look at the orifice which gives orifices their name the oral orifice and helping us of course is our very own Dr. Ngoome DDS. Thanks Dr. Goode.
I've got Kendra Dupree in the chair right now. Kendra you're here because you had the worst breath in our audience today.
Isn't that right? I guess so. Let me take a whiff. Oh smells like shit. It does. I'm sorry. That's okay Kendra. You told me earlier that you only brush your teeth twice a day. That's right. Let me get a good look in there. And you think that's enough?
You don't use mouthwash, a water pick or a tartar scrape? Oh I can't get too far down in there because my hands are bigger than 60% of mouths.
From what I can tell this is awful. Look how embarrassed she is. This is wonderful. Well Kendra this is your wake-up call. We're gonna show you just how much junk will accumulate in your teeth if you continue to neglect them. So let's bring it out. Oh God.
This is the amount of filth that will build up on your teeth over a lifetime. In this tank is 70 years worth of crushed food particles, dead cheek cells, tongue rot, you name it. And you're just letting that sit there and get worse every day because you're too lazy to do anything about it. So since you're the one that loves having that filth in your mouth why don't you swish your hand around in it.
Go ahead do it. Come on get all the way in there.
This is your mouth. You made it this way. If you don't mind having that stuff on your teeth then you shouldn't mind swishing your arm around in it. It's starting to change your mind Kendra. Yeah I think so. Yeah I don't believe you so do me a favor and take up a big scoop of this stuff. Good. Now smear it in your mouth. This shouldn't give you pause. You walk around with this rot in your mouth all day every day. Good.
You guys think we're getting through to her? Let's all chip in and call her Disgusting together. You ready? One, two, three. You're Disgusting! Are you getting the message, Kendra?
I think so. Yeah I will take better care of my teeth. Well let's make sure. How long do you think that's gonna take to clean up? A while. It's a lot. How about with the toothbrush? Thank you Dr. Megumi. I think we taught this vile person a lesson or two. I sure hope so.
Okay stick around we come back. Audioslave is here and later we're going to find out what religion the perfect human is. Don't go anywhere.
Coming up on Dr. Good. Are you afraid of going under before surgery? They don't tell you what's in their gas. We're showing you different anesthesia's so you will know. We'll show you the best anesthesia's on the market and the ones to watch out for. Now you can go under with confidence. Only on Dr. Good. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_100_Every_NRL_scandal_of_the_2019_20_off_season_featuring_Hello_Sport | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show. You're joined by myself Clancy Overall and of course editor at large Errol Parker. How are you Errol?
Good my son. Good mate, good. Good to hear.
Now if you are a loyal listener of The Batooter Advocate radio show, you would remember a podcast we did last year which was one of the most popular interviews we had last year and it was with today's guests. We're trying to repeat that success. It was every single NRL offseason scandal of the 2019 offseason and it was so successful it was actually one of the biggest and that's not a lie that we're trying to repeat the success today. Yeah I think we're doing the Channel 9 method where you know we did have a high watermark with that particular podcast and then we've been crawling through a river of shit ever since so we decided to bring the star back.
Now it was so successful last year that we actually have a special sponsor for this podcast who also wanted to join the party so today for the Halo Sport annual NRL offseason scandal countdown on The Batooter Advocate radio show we are sponsored by Kayo which you might know of is a online sports streaming service. Yes in their own words they are Fox Sports' cool little brother. They probably won't admit to saying that but yes in their own words and yeah they're sponsoring the show today. They've already hooked up our guests Tom and Eddie from the Halo Sports podcast have already hooked them up with Free Kayo is that correct gentlemen? Free Kayo we are unofficially known as the kings of Kayo because of the groundswell. We basically our audience bullied them into giving it to us for free.
Okay. In 24 hours. 24 hours.
And they crumbled. They crumbled.
Okay so they're aware of you. Oh yeah. Kayo is aware of the Halo Sports podcast. Oh yeah. Yeah yeah. They're big fans.
So okay we'll just get a name check for the new listeners who missed last year's podcast. I am Tom. Eddie. Ariel Clancey it's a pleasure to be here with you boys again I'd like to do this every year moving forward. Yes. Every year.
We're not going to run out of gear. Well that's the beauty of rugby league so comparatively with last year the off season a little bit quiet but it's not that quiet. It's actually not that quiet. When we were going through the list just to sort of make sure we had our eyes dotted teeth crossed it was like oh there's actually quite a large number of scandals you think that the NRL player historically not big thinkers but you thought they might have learnt a little bit from the chaos of the 18-19 off season. 18-19 off season was was really red hot. It was.
Greatest of all time? Yeah that's greatest of all time.
Yeah that was definitely the La Nina of NRL off seasons wasn't it? Well it's the high watermark you mentioned earlier. We were dealing with a lot of things. Drug use, obviously the casual pub assaults and. It was all over the map.
Public nudity. Pornography. Digital really got into it. The pornography side of things. A lot of porno in the 19-19 off season right?
Yes. Yeah.
And then but also also just your good old fashioned mad Monday skullduggery with the Bulldogs who were sort of you know throwing up outside of a pub while Daily Telegraph interns you know climbed up holes to try and take photos of Adam Elliott's deer. How dare they invade their privacy in that inner city pub that they decided to host their mad Monday in on a weekday.
I think it was good for the game ultimately so. Marketing. Free press. Free marketing.
Yes but luckily KO is nothing like Fox Sports or the Daily Telegraph because with KO nowhere is safe from footy. Yeah get every match for both the AFL premiership season and the NRL premiership season on KO and if you want to start your own podcast and get a big enough following they might give it to you for free.
Certainly worth trying.
We'll have a crack. Yeah. Also look if we're just giving KO shout outs here their mini games are a thing of beauty where it's like you've had a you've bounced yourself out on a Saturday night Sunday rolls around you've probably missed all the games that you were intending to watch. You have. You've definitely missed all of them and then you can just catch up in about an hour you've caught up on all three games all the bits that you need. So just for our listeners who might not know what bouncing yourself out what does that mean? It is the equivalent I guess in cricketing terms of like when someone bowls a bouncer that hits you in the head I guess it's just a large Saturday evening where. So the Saturday or Friday evening is the bouncer. Yes. And you've copped it on the chin or the throat the chest potentially but somewhere it's going to hurt and then you're feeling it the next day right so you're bounced out. That's when you need a mini match. Yeah that's right.
KO minis and KFC. Yeah it's when they're fast food. M&M minis.
Now enough brand names let's start off this countdown where did we start obviously we're doing this chronologically this isn't a countdown we're not going from most hectic to least hectic. No. So what are we starting in October? Well so the boys. It's sort of it was a little slow to kick off the off season.
There was no mad Monday's. There was no mad Monday's everyone was pretty sort of chill.
Everyone was on their best behavior given the scallywag behavior of the year before so I think they sort of kept it under wraps. And a lot of boys went I think overseas it was like let's stay out of Australia let's not fuck around here. And so they went to. So the scandal off season started late October early November something like that.
Look if you believe the story poor old Nelson has because obviously look he was in Bali with some footy player mates. Obviously all Australians love Bali. And the original devil's playground. And so they're over there and it's like these guys can't even escape in Bali.
Like they're getting dudes being lippy and talking shit and I think one of them tried to glass Nelson's teammate. Again you've got to have had a shitload in you to have the sort of misguided confidence to want to glass an NRL player anyone but like.
That's Bali though mate. That's Bali confidence right? That's the sort of confidence you can get from Bali.
It's a magical place. So they've tried to glass one of Nelson's mates. The video starts as Nelson is out the front of the night club. La Favella in Semiac for those that are aware. Very nice very classy establishment.
And Nelson is feeding this guy like feeding him. And that's not even doing it justice right? Like he is such a big man just Nelson. And he is throwing with like full intent on causing as much damage as possible. A photo was released of the guy the guy's face who got punched and it was like it looked like he'd been hit with a prison shiv but it was just that it was the force and size of Nelson's hand had just like split his skin open. But I still don't believe he would have got a good proper shot off because the way that he's thrown in that video it would take your head off.
Like it would come off. You know that old saying? I think that's a graze. I reckon that's a graze. It's wild stuff. Took a bit of bark off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Och brains and the rest. So what was the punishment? That blokes face is basically split open. Everyone in Australia was like from Braith and Asta to fucking whoever else was like. There's two sides to every story.
Mates helping mates you know like. It was mateship. This is you cut and dry mateship. In some context you just have to chin someone. Yeah you know what like at some point when can't you punch a guy? Defending your mates.
Well never obviously. In a country that you don't have to ever visit again and there's no real repercussions if you get on a flight quick enough.
So look despite Braith's valiant attempts to get Nelson big Nel off the sort of chopping block he was suspended for I think three international rugby league matches. Which was a big pain. Well I think it's like 15 to 20 grand a game. So like he would have been better off just being suspended for like 12 NRL matches. So he basically lost himself a new Volkswagen Tiguan.
Something like that. Something upmarket. Sure. Let's go with Tiguan. So there's a theme here.
I think now after the Mad Monday like after three decades of constantly getting in shit on Mad Mondays they've realized that they can lock it down in Bali to a degree. I mean that still isn't that much trouble. If he'd done that in the streets of Sydney or Brisbane or Melbourne and behaved that way maybe he's going to jail for a little while. Who knows? See I feel like Australian police might recognize mateship as sort of like you know some sort of natural law here in Australia rather than overseas. Maybe in Queensland. The game was removed from an incident in Bali whereas like if you were throwing that many punches and it was on video out the front of the treasury casino in Brisbane the game's got to do something about it.
And you've taken off half a man's face like I wonder if you had to pay for facial reconstruction. Surely not. Jeez.
It's cheaper in Bali though. Maybe you get a package deal. You get a package deal package it up. A tooth and skin package. Two for one.
To your point it's a little bit out of sight out of mind. The storm sent a couple of officials over I think the NRL did as well and they would have been sweeping. Just employing the old AFL tactic. Well I'm pretty sure Big Nell got out of the country before Big Nell basically realized what he'd done and was on the next flight home the next morning. He'd seen too many sort of you know contrite Australians with like suddenly who have converted to Islam in Bali sort of like trying to. He didn't want to end up in the Hilton. In Corobican.
Exactly. So he bounced. But then it was like. But that wasn't the end of NRL in Bali. And one of them won. Yeah exactly. And one player didn't get out. No. So let's move on to number two.
Number two this was rising NRL star who was in the middle of contract negotiations which is even better. David Fafita had a great year obviously just wanted to get over to Bali with a couple of the boys celebrate big time. He's only 19 as well so like. They're throwing around million dollar a season offers so he's like yeah Bali let the hair down.
Unwind. The world is my oyster here someone's gonna give me a million dollars to do this. I'm gonna go get a Bali skin full. So it's like yeah you're right it's like mid negotiations so you know everything's on the line here let's get this across the line while we're doing that I might just go to Southeast Asia and let off some steam. That was his thinking. Well they were probably like this is a bit of a stressful environment like get away from it. This is the manager speaking. I'll handle this mate. You go to Bali and just relax. Even if Bali is too much you can hop on the ferry go over to Lombok have some methanol come back. Yes you know I get a massage mate get some braids whatever you need to do but he again out.
He didn't do that. No he didn't.
Outside of what's the place called again? La Favella.
Semenyak.
The hot spot for legies it would seem. For a leggy throwdown.
David this is a weird one and like me and Eddie have spoken about this before in terms of like we're not sure whether there are people writing that work for the NRL that write in the offseason but this one was bizarre and it was him he was he like paid some dude to give him a scooter ride home. This is all alleged as well ladies and gentlemen Punish Dribblers. Don't take any of this as gospel this is what we read in the Men's Women's Weekly Daily Telegraph. Shout out to Paul Kent. The one match sensation from Parramatta.
He was being driven home on a scooter by some local there and he's sort of like as he's gone past he's cracked the security guard in the head so he's like got like speed up from the scooter from the scooter it was a drive-by cow punch and then he sort of or like he jumped off the scooter and launched at him. Yeah a lot of misinformation it was it was really weird but there was he was on a scooter and he's jumped off or he's punched him when he's driven past but then wasn't he pulled back on? I think the scooter driver got him back on and got him out of there like a bit of Good Samaritan stuff I don't know or helping your brother in knees.
Bloody nightclubs you know the modern day version of long tan for our. This night I think we're right out of this. This nightclub is to blame. Look it's the only club well rugby league and the nightclub of the two common denominators.
Yeah. But look what happened then for Dave unfortunately. This is where it gets weird. Dave got arrested Dave got chucked into prison then about 24 hours later you know every single Australian media has flown over there since they found out and they're all like waiting outside the prison and shit and Dave's you know in the same clothes he was in fucking the last 24 hours. But also the media would already have been over there like. Well that's true. You know where they all go in this offseason barley just keep a couple on the ground after Nelson. A couple of Corby correspondents still hanging around.
And one of David's mates starts walking into the prison with a plastic bag full of beers and they're like they know it's David's mate and they're like what are you doing are you going he's like I'm just going in to see your mate and he's like sort of walking in trying to get in with the beers and then obviously has gone like through some doors that the media couldn't follow him through and then like 10 15 seconds later he's like walking back out and it's like obviously you weren't going to be able to get in there with these beers for your friend mate. But he's obviously read something you know like out of those out of those Balinese books like Hotel K and stuff where they speak about basically anything goes right. Like you can bring in beers you can solicit sex you can do all these crazy things. He's like I'll go in and have a couple of beers and a bit of a yarn.
That was sweet. That was a pay. From there yeah. Dude he paid 30 grand. 30 grand yeah. And I let him go. Yes.
And he's got a great photo with the security guard and it's him shaking it's he looks like Sean Penn in El Chapa and so it's like him going like we're all good now right. And it's him and the security guard shaking hands. When you see the size of this security guard he's like four foot tall standing next to Dave Feener who's like six something 110 kilos like how did that guy not get killed.
He's obviously just managed like risen from the dead after 30 grand thrown in his lap and you're like Jesus Christ. Could have been another grazing. Yeah that's true. Seriously. But yeah 30 grand goodness gracious.
Number three where are we at? I think Manasi was next. Ah yes do you want to take it through Manasi Edward?
So Manasi Pharnow or Pharnoo. Pharnow. Pharnoo.
The reputation is up to the listener. Do your own research. That's right. Dior. So Manasi is of Manly hooker fame. Had a great season last season absolutely superb. Real star on the rise. Real star on the rise stuff to the point where they've said to who did they get rid of? Seguero. Happy Corusow. They said happy listen mate we're not going to need your services next year we've got young Manasi he's a gun thanks for coming right. So Manly pinned their hopes on young Manasi to take him forward to glory in 2020 anyway.
Good Christian boy. Good Christian boy right what do good Christian boys do they go to Mormon dance parties. Under 20s as well under 20 Mormon dance parties. But you go and you mingle and you meet other Mormons. Like minded Mormons. That's right and you can talk about the Lord and you can maybe meet your future wife.
So that's what Manasi's done. Bit of soaking. Yeah under the guidance of his fans. Guided soaking there's nothing wrong with a good soak. Nothing wrong with a good soak.
Absolutely no pumping. No no no. No pump. Thrust free harmless soaking.
That's right. Get all pruney. Just I mean it's it's it's it's it's just like walking into a jewelry shop as a man you go in and you can't wait to come out.
Anyway Manasi the details again they're a little skint but he goes to the dance party and is arrested a couple of hours later having allegedly and again alleged stabbed someone in the back of the in the back and punctured his lung. Now he's been arrested he was uh he was in prison for like a couple of weeks I think. Yeah he was a couple of weeks there. He's been released on bail since.
What did the judge say? It was like the closest thing the closest you can get to murder without. Now listen. Right. The judge wasn't necessarily saying Manasi you are but he's saying that the the knife was as close to killing this person. Right. As it could have been. Manasi's defense is it's a case of mistaken identity. Right. Which I guess.
Dude it could have been dark we don't know what the lighting was like in that dance. We don't know what the lighting was like.
Yeah everyone's wearing the same outfits because it's Mormon.
Coppers are pretty convinced it's it's Manasi so he's out on bail at the moment but he's been stood down by the NRL for their no fault policy. But Eddie back to training though. So that rule is. He's allowed to train. Yeah that's the no fault policy you're allowed to train you can't play. So the no fault policy is for the for the dribblers at home is anything up to 12 years in prison.
Yeah. Guilty or not. If you're charged with something. Over. I think it's over 11. Okay. Anything over 11 years. If you're charged with anything over 11 years guilty or not you can't play. But you can train. Yeah so. And you're still paid. Whatever the whatever the crime you've been charged with. Whatever the max sentences I think of that charge is the metric. Okay. So if you're a rebel and charged with counts of rape that's more than 11 years. Yeah.
Manasi I think attempted. Is it. Would he be attempted murder. Look I'm not sure. Do your own research. I'm not 100 percent sure on the legal specifics of it. Do know that can't stab people. But again mistaken identity. Yeah well we don't know if Manasi did it.
I think the most important thing is that he just trains hard. Let the courts decide this thing. That's a bold defense. That is. Wasn't me. It was a shaggy defense. I think it's a fucking great one. It works. It worked for shaggy. Yeah exactly. So well I don't know if it did work for shaggy but I mean we'll see. The time will tell. But as a Manly fan I'd love to believe that Manasi didn't do it. Yeah.
Well Cherry Evans the other day in an interview seemed pretty pretty pro Manasi. Can I just say the way you post on social media is probably not a great way to judge a man's innocence or guilt. But if I was just looking at Manasi still pretty carefree still throwing shit up on the gram. I tend to believe that mistaken identity is the case here. Yeah they all even the no fault a lot of the no falters are pretty carefree on Instagram I've noticed though literally pretending they're not facing up to or over 11 years in prison. It could be the defense is a good offense. Well pay it straight back. That's a lot of no falters.
He's still young enough though to come out and have you know a Mark Riddell type twilight to his career. Oh look I mean what's a stabbing get you in prison at 19? I reckon he gets him 10 years. Let's say he does 8. He's out at 27. Yeah. Maximum of 10. He's out at 27, 28. Good behavior give him 6.
As if he's not coming out fitter than he went into prison. And he's a chin boy. Prison Nick. That Mike Tyson post prison Nick where it's like ooh. Maybe not so much cardio but he will be cut as.
Russell Packet.
Yeah they sign him in jail because they're so. Danny Wicks Nick dude. Holy shit Danny Wicks came out like as a winger after going in a front row. You're like holy shit.
Was that post pill press? Post pill press.
Yes that was Danny's slang and dingers. But look so if look worst case scenario if an RC comes out at 28, 29 straight into a Titans or a Tigers or a Bulldog set up maybe even just the UK. Yeah but it just shows he's still got it. Hopefully the person who he allegedly stabbed is also okay and is able to go on to continue their chess career. I think Manly might have even sent him season tickets which is classy. I think that's all class and in the stands as well not the hills. And also get him to come in look it might be a little confronting to see your attacker but they're allowed to come into the sheds after the game.
Alleged attacker. He's no fault so he's running water he'll be around.
Now you did say it was a quiet off season. You did say it was a quiet off season but we have brought in the no fault law in the NRL within 12 months and there's already five, six people who have been no faulted. So that's not that quiet but we won't talk about the more red hot ones but what's number four?
This one is more recent only because it's just come to mind but the Josh Reynolds one is he got charged with domestic violence and a video came out where of him looking a bit domestic. He got charged with domestic violence then the video came out and it was like oh this video coupled with the charge although it's a 30 second video out of context where he doesn't do anything it's like he's just sort of aggressive like fuck that doesn't look good but then and again feel very sorry for Josh we've he's done a live show with us once before and he's an absolute legend feel very sorry for him going through what he's gone through here but in terms of a rugby league off season story and like holy shit rugby league just produces that is but that's it it produces year in and year out and this story is this story this is an eight part podcast it should be a podcast well you know what I've heard podcasts like this yeah yeah that do very well those who the hell is Hamish's yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah hey did you want to break it down for those playing at home so he was with a past ex now ex-girlfriend Arab Arabella look she's got like 50 names but I believe we'll go with Arabella Del Busso for this one yeah Del Busso so she's slid into his DMs and obviously she's very charismatic as a lot of modern romance I think modern romance is fair very charismatic good-looking enough can I say that Josh liked what he saw obviously like the way the chat was going and so the romance single as well he's doing everything yeah he's not betraying anyone like a stand-up guy but also you know he's in his early 30s he's probably looking to settle down so it's that Dalliam regular that's right yeah then luckily for them at least he thought she falls pregnant to twins yeah which unfortunately they allegedly well they didn't allegedly lose they lost on her word and then it did happen again after two more times she lied about being pregnant and then losing it like two more times wait sorry two more sets of twins what she did was what she she lied on three separate occasions about being pregnant and losing the child or the children the first one was twins yes and then the two follow up I don't know but having just had a medical records say no did she she photoshopped fucking photos of her tummy making it look like she was pregnant she faked medical records she was taking she I think she even managed to and again all alleged Bella del Buso you know do your own research but that she was taking some sort of hormone that would mean that when she goes to a doctor's PP test or pisses on the stick it would give the false reading of pregnancy like she's not bags not bag shit where it's like you got to do some serious yeah digging to work out what hormone you should be in real dirty John and main more yet real dirty John she and meanwhile poor Josh is injured having gone to the Tigers on big money yeah he's losing children he thieving over and over and over and over thing to go getting lied to through the tape yeah but he didn't realize this at the time he's forms going to shit because he's not playing like he's on the outer of the club she's also she's also come to him she's also come to him gone my mum's died she's mind you she's pretending to be Italian yeah now we've seen mom we've seen because Bella's mom Arabella's mom since come out to something like right no not dead not Italian she could be northern well look maybe she's got heritage you know what she could last name for me she's not first generation she's definitely not first-gen and she's not second because it is so not Italian like what's it lost her no I paresco or something like prueska yeah prueska don't Bella Donna prueska so so Bella Donna Debuso also Bella Donna de Barcelona of her yeah and Mel Bella Melbourne to Madrid yeah yeah all these names she's made up her real last name is prueska prueska and and mom mom would look very out of place in a dolmeo commercial yeah yeah yeah doesn't now she's like doing Italian I think that's also she doesn't look like a nana no no doesn't okay so where are we at now he's been played of domestic he's been clear domestic violence she has since been obviously hounded by the upstanding media bastion that is a current affair and they go to love it and they have since found all this shit's going on this is the ballsiness of a person like Donna Bella prueska Melbourne whatever the fucking name is this is all going on and her thing isn't like how do I stop myself because it's now like the legal eagles are getting involved seven or other boyfriends who she's done this to have since come out seven ex-boy yeah who have all heard this and they've all had a fake name each yeah yeah yeah so she rather than trying to like you know head for the hills or whatever she has gone straight for this like bela Russian boxer is Hungarian who was in Melbourne on I think he was fought fighting last weekend he'd been in Australia for a week and she or and she has got her talons into him yeah she's got herself flown down to Melbourne to this buddy what was it like it was like the oceanic orient belt it was one of the more mediocre belts guy and how does she do is in the ring charisma she's a confidence trickster yeah oriental oceanic middleweight title fight and she's already in there with him we did obviously the the most altruistic thing we could think of doing and slid into that guy's DMS to let him know hmm yeah we reached out run brah run we said yeah on your bike man get out get out of the country and do not take her with you he's yet to respond but I'm sure he appreciated it anyway so what's the latest on on on Bella where is she that's it that's she's well she was on a current affair she's just moseying around she's on the front foot though she's so she's just kicking around down south but I think she still like claims that it's all she's like she think she claims that she had the children I think she's been calling up people and being like she's still bro it's like that bell gibson who fake brain yes yes these people don't ever own up they just sort of continue to try and chase their tail in like this crazy anxious sort of non-stop web lights it's almost like Adam Sandler at uncut gems he's just constantly covering his ass with something else and going to something else it's a problem she's a spoiler alert textbook textbook textbook con artist give away the ending yeah yeah she's a textbook con artist yeah and it is it is I mean everyone kind of thought there was something a bit fishy from the start because I guess when you hear all those things about josh then you see that video where he's being aggressive and he's yelling and she's obviously filming it and he's going you treat me you make me feel like a fucking idiot yeah and you kind of look at a you look at a man who's not necessarily aggressive he's just fucking broken well with the full context of it now you're like oh well that's what we said at the time when the video came out because josh is actually at least in our experience a lovely bloke yeah and a bit nicer so the video we were like it's out of context right what's the context at large the video and then sure as sure as shit it comes out that she's been fucking lying about having losing kids losing kids yeah we don't even know and you know and she would have been rinsing him for like medical bills we don't even know about the medic there would have been money involved like the financial cost uh and and anyway i believe josh is doing okay he's cleared to play yeah he's cleared to play and he's also like got a bit of a steely he's like he even said the other day he was like you know you guys tried to like you said you were gonna bury me and my mom but you haven't and i'm coming after you it was like yes yeah get in a fire in the boy it's good for the australian men's women's weekly the daily telegraph and all of those are the fucking half baked nrl journalists to keep these stories in mind because the same thing happened to brett stewart as well we we do know we do know the nrl star is capable of anything there is no end to what they're capable of but also the situations they find themselves in and the people that allow around them are also just as capable of anything it's it's murky it's a murky world and that's why we love it yes well um i think that josh's first game back is against the dirty merger team the dragons so he should have an easy one back and score a couple points it's a dirty merger showdown there between the tigers the west i think the ones dirty than the other well well one is at least one's the same city yeah and one has a nice a nice leagues club the other has well i mean a shooting campbeltown is local heroin addicts it is sydney but it's not yeah yeah like i've i've drove through campbeltown the other day because i went the wrong way it is massive it's you get an airport out there mate it's the engine room of the country that's what it is you know i feel for us i feel sorry for west because bowmane are so fucked and so poor and so shit and so just all those disorganized they don't even have any real estate anymore i'd be turning around if i was west league club i'd be turning around going let's sub that fucking tiger out and put the magpie back because you can't get your house in order yeah and you know i wouldn't mind a magpie emblem getting around the nrl again and they call it west magpie yeah or they could just forcibly remove all those abc employees from bowmane and make them god forbid spend a day in campbeltown and move the people from campbeltown up into their harbor side terrace houses that they were priced out of exactly yeah yeah no the abc killed rugby league in the bowmane peninsula yeah it's no longer a rugby you don't see much there used to be a coal mine in bowmane and then the abc fucked that too now it's all semi-precious stones now um curtis yeah i think curtis scott you want to you want to miss sevo yeah no sevo is a bit lowbrow we are technically chronological because um but sevo was another overseas scandal okay but it was on his home turf it was over in the island nation of fiji yes oh okay this was the airplane drama no i don't know if this was on an airplane no it was at a hotel in a hotel yeah so mica sevo that look i don't understand fiji and lauren maybe you clancy and ariel could uh help me and eddie here but yes i'm fluent in it um mica sevo was charged with indecent annoyance yes yes he was i'm just not sure how to exactly well it was downgraded from indecent assault to a decent indecent annoyance okay so he was celebrating christmas uh at a pool party in at a resort christmas massive and that's right back home and it's been alleged because it's still before the courts i believe he's on bail technically he kept trying to lift up the staff member's skirt to get her attention um now is he getting her did he need did he need something no i believe he was following around uh kate was like sort of like a courtship he was being a predator he was being a piece of shit uh and yes there was a uh an eyewitness who claims that although he was been indecently annoying he was uh relatively well behaved he was seen wishing people merry christmas before he was lifting up her skirt so not all bad for my who knows about fiji and how they view that kind of behavior but well as it got generated to being annoying yes as an expert in their legal system i do know that it is it is especially in fijian culture it is heavily frowned upon to be a pest and they do have special laws to prevent pests from happening but we could use some of them here in but what he has done to this to this waitress allegedly is also heavily frowned upon in fijian culture yeah i think a lot of cultures would would would look down upon that so he's he's he's on bail but can't leave fiji no he was allowed to come back yeah and they can't really apply a no fault rule to something that's happening in another country yeah but also like i don't know that they're oh no you could you could certainly apply the no fault rule for some have another country i just it's not a 10-year so he's playing i don't know if you he's ripping it ripping ready to go i would have thought more than 11 years for being decently annoying yeah no i wouldn't have thought no no even though it was distasteful i don't like this perfectly distasteful like micro micro will learn well look let's hope mr actions will learn they might have to go back to fiji for a little while yes above all he needs to apologize yeah yeah i think so well he was he was being pleasant to everyone else wishing the merry christmas i'm sure he apologized on his way out to jail now what's uh kurtis scott kurtis scott up and coming up and coming throbber on the rise yeah big buyer pair gel yes sydney boy down to melbourne if you're signed by melbourne you've usually got a bit of go about your craig bellamy saying something he likes he's won a premiership with them already they're bringing him into the mothership so he was down there he just got signed to the raiders in the off season one of their big off season their biggest off season signing and so he wasn't wasn't necessarily flicked just moved no i think it was he was offered a decent wicket to go to cambridge you've got to be paid more than you're worth to go to cambridge because it's a shithole i think that was a young bull a young kind of mickey ball that craig was willing to let go for the right price yeah and he played in he's a center and i think he got aggressive he got big center money so it was a bit of a no-brainer they let go of la lure at cambra anyway curtis he's gone up to cambra and then i think for australia day he's gone i'll bring a couple of pommy boys down to sydney it's like back to my hometown let's go back for australia day rugby league and australia day do go very well together he went up to sydney well from cambra he's come down to sydney yeah yeah yeah sorry depending on which way he went he went east he went east he went northeast he went northeast technically so back in sydney so he's taking it because they're the peaky raiders there's a lot of poms on that time they're they're drunk on pommy milk over there ricky's just gone like i can't ricky's kind of gone i think i can't convince people that live here and know what cambra's like to come to cambra on the whole but england's cold as shit so like they're particularly northern england like they'll jump at the chance yeah yeah so he's getting he's getting good talent another strategy a lot of people don't think about is uh it also means you've got a full informed team all year because these boys aren't playing origin so your best players are playing all year round you don't lose them to injuries when they get their knee folded inside out by nappa no that's right they're they're there all year round all year round it's a nice uh it's a nice added bonus yeah dylan proof yeah not much is dylan proof either so curtis signed big money uh thought he'd let his hair down goes back to it's australia day as well he wants to celebrate rugby league and celebrate his nation yeah and celebrate his new contract and celebrate you know progression in his career yeah and when that happens sometimes you get a bit of a deadly cocktail excitement of excitement money meets booze meets fame meets meets ivy straight it also meets like come back to my hometown i'm back here yeah let he's showing off to the palms we can only the prodigal son returns of course look we're going on he's gone the big lift back in the hometown yeah we filled in the blanks here but essentially yes he was he's having a big day but anyway curtis woke up at the scg so he's at the ivy pool all day long in the sun i think he's at the ivy pool rugby league skin full which is a rugby league quantity of alcohol ingested far more than the average man his jeans are rolled up to his knees yes he's he is knee deep need day in sydney and so he's had a huge day has then found his way to the scg outside of it somewhere it does the park lands over the road right it does have a magnetism about it it does it's beautiful ground it does anyway he's been found sleeping in a bush by the police and as they keep it just a quick look and we'll get into what we our sort of what we think really has gone on here if we sort of you know break it down but it's been found asleep the coppers have woken him up a stink has started and then he's been tasered right and arrested and arrested for solving offices well for resisting arrest and for assaulting police yes punching police officers which is never historically a good thing but it is again uniquely rugby league but we were sort of trying to work out well you know is this a case of sort of you know crossed wires here so like he's had a rugby league skin for which he's just described he's drunk enough to sleep in a park he's asleep in a park yeah god's sake yeah and then he's been woken up now and he's on high alert right most people would be who the hell is that what's going on you're already on edge anyway if you're sleeping outside and it's sort of like you never know who's coming up here you can't sleep with one but he would he'd wake up confused he probably doesn't remember falling asleep in the i think it's fair to say you'd wake up we were trying to wonder we were kind of trying to work out whether this is just an athlete trying to get their eight hours so yeah i've had a big night but i've taken myself away from any sort of drama i'm out of the ivy i'm gonna have a sleep in this bush get a good eight hours and then get up and it's like nothing ever happened back to camera tomorrow he's probably under strict instructions from ricky he's probably said to the boys before they went on their merry way look go and have a crack enjoy yourselves in australia bay but get your eight hours because we've got a big week of training and and like us might not know that you know for an athlete of his ilk to sleep in the shadow of the scg might be like you know the tree of life from avatar where you know if if if you are a wounded sportsman you can make your way to you know that capital's greatest sporting monument and sleep under its bosom and you will wake up in the morning feeling refreshed yes well it speaks to you on a subconscious level i think i think he was on autopilot and he was drawn to it like imagine exactly yeah it's something great oh like that kind of halo shit yeah he was just earthing himself yes but you got to understand as well and the cops interrupted that well you know they say the bear never wake up someone when they're like sleep walking because they'll lose the plot never wake up a rugby league player sleeping under a tree sleeping off a rugby league skinful under a tree in the shade of the scg so you can sort of imagine he's woken up startled who the hell are these guys flashlight in the face the rugby league player's first reaction is always to throw yeah so he's obviously just gone fuck this danger hit what some say was maybe a female police officer we don't know that oh that's even worse it's alleged that's where the taser comes out much quicker well that look i mean i think if you're throwing tasers tasers are on the cards right yeah anyway look curtis has been tasted taken off to the the big house slept it off again he's had two sleeps at least it's positive 16 hours um but has avoided no fault stand down rule from todley greenwell and he's free to play so todley has sat down todley greenberg the nrlc ceo he sat down and reviewed the footage now there was a cut i think there was a couple of pieces of footage one there was a body cam there was a body cam and there was a a camera in the vicinity somewhere like that's how powerful the nrl is they're allowed to see the body cam footage oh yeah i totally totally greenberg it's a multi-billion dollar industry yeah oh yeah he just walked into a more park command and said i think i'd bring it to him yeah let's be honest the rugby league rugby league as a sort of as an entity probably got a pretty good relationship with the police in every state you'd have to i mean rocket rod silver malmaninga wayne bennett all famous cops that's true that's true yeah there's a there's i think even a policeman back in the day he was so anyway so he's reviewed the footage free to play by all accounts liked what he saw and and play on he's confident he's real play on so in in in in in todley's legal understanding yes what he saw won't result in more than 11 years in prison yes that's it they're not saying that what he didn't do what he did wasn't inappropriate yeah so maybe with the help of some of campers high-powered lawyers they they're confident that he might defeat these charges well look i mean we can only hope for god's sake do we know who's defending him would would ricky defend someone like that you know what very passionate ricky's got ricky loves his boys ricky will do anything for his boys ricky wears the stress of his boy's pain on his face yes i don't know it's tough to ricky but ricky was upset ricky did say as much he was uh when asked for his like some journo it's like ricky can we get a comment from you please on kurta scott's thing he just goes i'm pissed off and you can quote me on that you can quote me on that thank you ricky spewed all right any more uh look there are a couple more let's just quickly try and fire a few of these off a uh i did think that it was worth mentioning by zaya parisi now he played for the queensland reds was just signed for the broncos and then has been immediately stood down before playing a game for drug related offenses not 100 sure what they are but i just thought it was worth acknowledging isaiah's quick adoption of rugby league culture yeah yeah yeah straight into it couple fingers couple gold coast fingers and it's just a knapsack yes well again alleged we don't know what it is but just nice to see a player go i'm a league now yeah yep and i've got a i've got to embrace it yeah it's time i never have to wear a tie again i don't have to go to about a i don't need to wear the rms unless of course you go to court nike tns and bum bags or if you're wade graham going to court and you wear thongs and get or maybe that was a cider meeting i don't know but um joe off and galley he was arrested for being drunk for drink driving but he was drunk in his car while it was parked so i'm just not sure whether like that's some real um i don't know what the law else has done that in the someone did in their own driveway um and then he no that's papali alice yeah well no papali called the place on himself yeah papali self-reported respect that you gotta respect you gotta turn the new leaf that moment he got home from drink drive he goes fuck that was risky you know what you know what it ends now this kind of recklessness triples hero come get me i'm in my driveway i just drove um and i'm shitfaced no no i won't get out breath test me i'll keep the car the car on uh that was weird that's some good stuff but that's happened again yeah well his his uh his his uncle um willie he played for the wallabies and um he he got to hoist bill really yeah he did and um he's also got one of the rare distinctions as a rugby union player of having more victories against the all blacks and losses this is offing galley's uncle often galley's uncle willie willie offing yeah i don't remember willie a little bit before my time i guess what was it not more wins than losses that was right in my head very impressive that is that is like peak bob dwyer which is yeah which is right of my vintage back when rugby rugby union was as a 48 year old that's that's my bread and butter yeah that's right in your wheelhouse um look trent robinson 150 000 Mercedes stolen but then found so it's kind of like you know kind of disappointing his car got stolen and they found it they found it like a couple of suburbs away right any damage i don't think so if you are a car thief and you don't end that fucking theft with you burning that car yeah you are doing a disservice to the owner well you're not even really a thief are you well that's that's what every car owner wakes up with the dream that their car has been stolen and burnt out because guess what that means yeah insurance if if it's comprehensively insured you know like if it's a nice car like say wooden back a little you are a sports star who's like you know i've i've bought a nice Porsche it's four years old wouldn't mind if it gets stolen and torched right now yeah because guess what happens you get a new Porsche well that's nice so to all the car thieves out there that listen to our podcasts when you steal a nice car have a look in the glove box make sure it's comprehensively insured and if it is torture do it for do it for poor old trent yes he got done dirty 150 000 car uh and then finally not so much a scandal but one that really took mine and eddie's uh attention was the ceo of the nl tudley greenberg and just you know quite a sharply dressed uh mover and shaker in the sports um administrative world but has grown what can only be described as a sexy jason statham off-season beard yeah because he's got the bald head he's very bald yeah super oh he's super bald he's as bald as you get but this the jason statham beard just brings it all together it puts lead in your pencil and for those that don't know he's currently mid contract extension negotiations and where our theory is that he's bringing you know bringing sexy back he's bringing sexy back to the negotiating table he walks in there and it's just looking to add another oh you know it throws down the sort of his briefcase or whatever tudley carries and it's just like let's negotiate boys look at me i bet you didn't expect this guy to walk in here okay now you're on the back foot and i'm on the front floor and i'm calling the shots he's negotiation 101 he's widely liked isn't he i mean for his handling of that off season we spoke about last time you were on i feel like there's a bit of love for tudley yeah he's certainly not like uh yeah he's certainly not like some administrators where people are oh you know he's an idiot peter beattie was pretty resoundly disliked i didn't mind beattie but like greenberg's pretty good at what he does i think peter vlandy's the new commissioner yeah our friend a little bit i would peter vlandy's now if we're talking about balding his hair will blow away in a stiff breeze it's one of those ones where it's sort of just like disappears before your very eyes like it doesn't start skoma from any one skoma's got that it's just all disappearing yes weird one yeah but anyway shout out to peter and his hair um you know fun fact uh tudley greenberg has represented australia is that right what what what in in the jewish games i thought you were gonna say in the jewish game yeah yeah and the makabeer games makabeer games i don't know what sport but i know that he was he was we've got lines to the nrlc yeah we can work this thing out we actually do he um he listened to our appraisal of his yeah look he's aware of the podcast make no mistake can you just quickly google that he was a he he was also a big dick too at uh at at state cricket level which which just absolutely i've heard that todd can swing the willow throbs i mean to be he's got a lot of the arts that are state cricket yes you you you do need to be someone do we have do we have todley's cricket cricket he played cricket for australia in the jewish games get out of here so he's a yeah he's an australian jewish test cricketer yeah like technical probably wasn't test cricket no but it's 2020 well like jewish test cricket jewish test cricket against 40 days and 40 nights yeah a real test that's a test who knows uh the standard i reckon it would have been oh no it would have been a pretty strong no i think todley could bat dude i think todley was pretty good at cricket he looks like a keeper to me yeah i could say that but it looks like he's very lippy yeah i think todley's got chirp in him oh yeah i think he's a lot cooler than he has to appear because he's a ceo no he's pretty he's pretty cool and calm and collected yeah but i mean but like but i mean like you know he's got to be all very proper i bet you he sees like tod carney pissing in his own mouth he's like you know obviously we have to i think a lot of that comes but then off camera he's like i think a lot of that comes from his time at the bulldogs where you just have to be you know as a team you know obviously in the in in the years after the olympics was absolutely riddled tough for the dogs top to bottom well as renee and willie said on this podcast renee mature and willie mason it was a siege mentality at the bulldogs post olympics that's how they won they worked hard and played hard and they were called the dogs of war yeah and you know a lot of good sunny bill came out of that thurston came out of that and he was the ceo there at the time imagine getting that call ah todley sunny's just left the country he ain't coming back and this is how the nrel played the sunny bill leaving the country this was i don't know who was ceo at the time there's no david gallup david gallup there's no way he can do that he can't play for france he doesn't have a visa and then the next weekend he was playing uh for too long the next saturday and they go how did that happen oh shit it's this uh trade agreement we didn't know about because his mother's samoan there's a trade agreement between samoa and uh france and he just had a fucking samoan passport that he didn't know about so that's what's happened here sorry sunny had this thing sewn up before he bounced on the fucking dog and he was trying to make him sign a four-year contract mondain brought him out of the kota massa koda's a he's a slick individual he had that so yeah no he'd see he'd already signed a five-year contract and then a one year in he was like oh yeah yeah yeah rugby seems like a better option yeah yeah yeah i'm out so that's that's not a scandal todley's beard is actually quite attractive well that's just something to be celebrated i think you know you finish positive yeah you finish with finish on a high and and kickoff is in how many days now uh well it's one week one week one week yeah one week and this podcast will be out in a couple of days so less than a week so whenever you listen to this it'll be a you know a couple of days next weekend next one after you know you'll be stiff for it punters dribbles if you're not already stiff for season 2020 then there's something wrong with you oh it's simply the best no it's divisive all right thanks for joining us hello sport podcast if you want any more of this they do this once a week sometimes twice a week they do this same dribble um just not only about nrl scandals but you know all sport cricket ufc um rugby league swimming union justice for mack horton uh wherever there's yes okay all sports that you can catch on ko and of course you can get ko anywhere anytime in australia and you can watch it on your phone yep you can watch it on your tv if you've got chromecast or a smart television if you've got chromecast on an old television like i do can't watch live sport might want to fix that one ko and if you're new to ko you can sign up today and get free trial but i would wait until the start of the season to maximize your value coca-cola amateur once said their only competitor was water well ko's only competitor is sleep you'll get all the sport you need and more that's if you can fit it in the end thank you thank you hello sport podcast tom and eddie i'm patty overall i'm errol parker and that's how you keep the lights on be safe thank you boys |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_sneakers_snl | Thirty-year-old Gordon Dwyer just couldn't catch a break. Not at work. Dwyer! not in love. and especially not on the court. Gordon for three. nice shot, idiot. Why am I such a loser?
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Wow. that was the most fantastic lovemaking you've ever had. Not really. it only lasted. two hours. that was a two-hour love session. you had a big o in there, a very big o, but. I did? no. want to go again? I'd love to, but you're too tired.
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dropout | are_my_lady_parts_normal | Oh my god. That is so embarrassing. Can you imagine? And it's even worse because like, because she has a weird one.
Right? Yeah. Oh yeah.
There's actually things going on that I can't relate to. Yeah, I was sitting here being like, is that what I'm supposed to look like? Because I don't necessarily look like that. But since you said hers is weird, that means I'm normal. Yeah, I'm sure we all have normal pussies. So normal. But there's two little wings. Check, got those, I'm normal. A little flappy, but not too flappy. Not like wings of a stingray flappy.
Right, that would be weird. Right, right, totally. And then inside it's like, like, roughly? Like roughly? Like an Elizabethan collar. Very elegant, very normal. Great, so we're all normal.
We've all got two wings, some ruffles, and that little tube thing. Tube thing? I don't have a tube thing. You don't have a tube thing.
Do you mean the thing that's shaped like a C? Mine is shaped like an S. The blue part? The spongy blue part? Mine isn't spongy. The blue spongy part that wraps around the bumpy knob?
I'd argue it's maybe more of like a... Flat ridge. Are you sure you're not thinking about that, the part that makes the little rattling noise? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I also have that. It's like... Yeah, it's like a... Mine just makes a faint whirring sound. Yeah, I think yes, yes, mine does do that. When I run too fast. Oh no. I think at least two of us has a weird one. Wait, what are we doing?
You guys, we got so caught up in being normal that we forgot that being different is normal. Everyone is different, and that's what makes them beautiful.
They're like snowflakes. Exactly like snowflakes.
Cold and full of holes. Yep. Yeah, so cold. So cold. So full. So many little shallow holes. Yeah. |
dropout | hardly_working_pre_game | The three amigos are back. Yeah, dog. You better believe they are. Let's see.
Man, you gots to love Z Pregame. We'll be showing off to tonight's pool party already with our buzz on, man. I'm going to be sloshed. I'm going to punch a cop, and I'm going to jump off Z roof. Hey, man, saying Z is sort of my thing, so just watch yourself.
Okay, so the pregame last night sucked. Dude, whatever. Yeah, the party, though. The party was insane, man. Two guys got arrested for streaking, and those two guys were David and I, huh?
Oh, remember we came back to the office and had that amazing monitor fight? My five computer monitors!
I'm not talking about the party, I'm talking about the pregame. It was awkward.
We started with that wonderful three amigos riff, huh? Right, yeah.
But then things got silent. You know why? Because we weren't buzzed enough.
So tonight, we're doing a pre-pregame to get us ready for the pregame to get us ready for the party. Yeah, I'd be into that. Let's grab some brew dogs! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're going to grab some brew dogs.
We're not trying to get obliterated. We're not maniacs, Josh, okay?
We're just trying to get a little bit buzzed for the pre-pregame. So I got us all a sixer of Snow Rock Juniors. You know you want to grab one. All right, the night begins!
Last night's pre-pregame sucked. All right, Pat, forget about the pre-pregame, all right?
The party was insane. Two dudes got arrested for streaking again, Josh and me.
And one dude got a tattoo of his favorite TV character on his back. Boom, Charlie Rose.
It doesn't matter how cool the party was, because the pre-pregame was awkward. So tonight, we're doing a pre-pre-pregame.
Everyone grab a thimble of beer. Come on. Here, be careful, because they're really full.
Pat, it's 10 a.m., all right? He just got to work. And to be honest, I'm still a little drunk from those rum-soaked onions we had at the party. But the pre-pregame was awkward. It was fine, Pat. Look, I got to get to a meeting, man.
Hold your horses. Holy macaroni, Josh. You're not going anywhere. My alarm has just informed me that we are not only celebrating the pre-pre-pregame, but we are now overlapping the pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pregame of tomorrow night's party. Eyedroppers of Snow Rock for all. David, come on. I know you're thirsty. Wake off me. Whoa! What is your major malfunction, a-hole? You need to relax, Pat.
All right? Let's just go to the party at the normal time and it'll be insane. All right?
I hear Ted Nugent's bringing his bouncy castle. But that party interferes with the pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pregame of next Tuesday's party, which reminds me I have our Mr. of Snow Rock ready to go. No, no. Drink up, David.
Okay. Pat, it looks stop. Look, look.
Look, no more of this pre-pregame stuff, Pat. We're done. Fine. Pre-pre-pregame is over. Good. Which means the after party for the pre-pre-pregame, which also doubles as the pre-pre-pregame for tomorrow night's after party, begins.
Was that Reagan? FDR.
Sorry, I can't hear you over the pre, pre, pregame, after party slash, after party, pre, pre, pregame, music. Turn that off. Sorry. Okay, David and I are outta here. Hey, don't speak for me, but yes. You're lost because here's a news flash.
After parties have full-size snow rocks, and I'm gonna chug a whole one right now, and I'm gonna enjoy every last drop of it.
Oh my god. It's not even, it's getting in your mouth. Look at her, oh. Not even getting it.
I'm a real party animal. It's all getting in my mouth, but look at, mmm, oh, all of it. I drank all of it because I love beer, and I love to party.
Don't say I don't. You know what, I should just get back to work, really, so I don't have time to party all the time. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_The_Wizard_Of_Oz | I'm Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'm gonna be looking at The Wizard of Oz, a historic entry from Hollywood's golden age and a brilliant cautionary film about the terrifying situations a young female may find herself in without the proper supervision of a male companion. Found in 1939 in vibrant Technicolor, the beloved family movie has aged tremendously well due to its brilliant and still-resonant central thesis that all women become lost and helpless when isolated from the firm guidance of an adequate male suitor or guardian. The film opens in Kansas, where young Dorothy lives, as all women should, under the watchful protection of male authority figures like her Uncle Henry, as well as empowered, masculine farmhands Honk, Zeke, and Hickory. However, a massive tornado transports Dorothy to the magical land of Oz and her life is quickly changed.
Gone is the reliable structure of her patriarchal home life. Gone is the security and leadership of her male role models. And gone is any semblance of the young woman's own sense of identity.
Throughout her perilous journey in the land of Oz, Dorothy is accompanied only by a batch of what can ultimately be called fully-emasculated male figures, a fragile, impotent lion, an effeminate scarecrow, a fey tin man, and a certainly sterilized dog, none of whom provide the necessary security and full-time supervision a young woman requires. Even the film's titular wizard is revealed to be nothing more than a limp-wristed bureaucrat, unable to subject Dorothy to the subordination of a real man. In the film's remarkable and oft-quoted conclusion, the filmmakers reveal that the majority of the movie and the entirety of Oz is ultimately nothing more than a projection of the hysterical female psyche, an imaginary world where powerful alpha male figures are not present to make women fulfill their biological imperative to bear offspring and nest. Over 70 years after its release, The Wizard of Oz is still a masterpiece and still ahead of its time.
Indeed, if only there were more films made today that so vividly demonstrate that women need men to tell them how to live their lives, and that women need men to make them behave the way nature intended them to. Perhaps, somewhere over the rainbow, more filmmakers will follow suit. Until next time, I'm Peter Rosenthal for the Onions Film Standard. |
dropout | honest_music_festival_commercial | This weekend, the Oppopotamus Music Festival is coming to Redfield, Illinois. A town of 200 that is in no way equipped to handle an event of this magnitude. We're gonna leave Redfield in shambles. Get here early, because we're expecting 16-hour traffic delays in every direction. Someone call a civil engineer. The festival kicks off with an absurdly long entrance line.
Spend three hours waiting for one security guard to fill you up and take your drugs. You paid us to molest and rob you.
And it's on to the music. We've got 200 bands performing. 200. And with our schedule and logistics, you'll be able to see eight of them. Only with good planning. Including your two favorite bands. They're both here, playing at the same time. On opposite ends of the festival.
Whoops. Our bad. We did it on purpose.
Hungry? We've got the worst food you'll ever spend the most money on. In your entire life. Eight dollars for a bottle of water? That's right. Because you're our prisoner. After lunch, try to hold your breath as you patronize our putrid sea of porta-potties. It's a shit shanty town.
Don't forget your sunscreen. We hired a team of meteorologists to predict the hottest weekend of the year. Then we planned an outdoor music festival on it. We'd hold it in an oven if we could. We almost forgot to mention our sound system.
It's not good. The outdoors have terrible acoustics. So pick a band, find a spot in the grass. And get ready to get kicked in the skull by crowd surfers. Or try crowd surfing yourself. If you want to lose your shoes and get molested again. Oppopotamus. You paid 300 fucking dollars for this. |
cracked | why_disney_s_aladdin_is_a_piece_of_crap_today_s_topic | So, if Bran sends Hodor back in time to hold the door, thus creating his name, who cares? Everyone on that show is a total softie compared to Aladdin. He's the ultimate con man. I can tell from your tone that you've been looking for an inn to bring up Aladdin for a while and settled on a pretty inelegant one. Think about it. Okay, would Aladdin wish it to be a bona fide prince? The genie creates an entire civilization from nothing for him to be the prince of. Thousands screaming into existence for the sole purpose of being the hype guy for their new master.
And that existential question that, where do I come from? Why am I here that burns inside of all of us? They have an answer.
And it's because some Tom Cruise looking street rat motherf***er wants to get laid. Wants to go on a magic carpet ride. Yeah, but it's justified. Jasmine is the hottest princess. I was always into Nala. Besides, I don't think the genie can create life.
I think he has to transmogrify. Where'd you get a five dollar word like transmogrify? You're making so much money, you can afford to just spend a five dollar word like transmogrify? Well, it came from my twelfth rereading of the essential Calvin and Hobbes and my third rereading of Harry Potter and yeah, I got stacks of word money.
But the point is, I don't think genie can just create life. I think he has to turn one thing into another. When genie needs to get Aladdin into town, he has to start with a boo. You know, he turns him into a bunch of weird stuff first, like a duck in a weird car. So all the people who live in the civilization that Aladdin rules over used to be the bugs or fish or whatever was in that oasis when genie busted his magical nut all over it.
So they're probably better off now. I mean, becoming people, that's like leveling up. That's how Buddhism works. No, it's not.
Staying on target, what happened to all those people when Aladdin became de-princified? De-princed. Street rat formerly known as Prince. What do you mean? I mean, they're all going to be just stuck in this puddle of Agrabah clothing. They're going to get trampled or kicked or something terrible. No, like when did Aladdin become de-princified? Oh, at the end of the movie, Jafar reveals he's an evil wizard in this big scene and then he turns Aladdin back into a homeless guy and a boo back into a monkey.
Yeah, but he does it individually. He does Aladdin's hat, then his jacket, then pants, then the elephant monkey. Meaning that he'd have to do the same thing for each individual fish man that lives in Ali's kingdom.
Prince is just a title. You can be the prince of anything as long as a bunch of people agree that you're the prince. So all the wish did is create the country. Jafar never undoes that. He just changes his clothes. So he's still a prince because of the continued existence of that country. He's just a prince who wears an open vest exposing his naked nipple-less chest.
So good, right? Aladdin's still a prince. That's good?
No. So think about it.
Okay, so Aladdin has one last wish, but he only pretends to make the sacrifice to free the genie. He's actually just plying him for more favorable treatment because he knows he's still got that entire country to himself. So instead of one last wish, he gets a genie buddy forever. You'll always be a prince to me. At the beginning of the movie, he tricks the genie into giving him a free wish to get him out of the cave. And at the end of the movie, he fakes an act of kindness to get infinite wishes. It's bullsh- So Aladdin ends his story as the supreme dictator of an entire country full of mindless slaves that exist just to serve him, and he's still conning his only friend.
Yeah, the whole movie's ruined. I should've done my Game of Thrones one, man. Probably.
We were gonna have fun. We could still be enjoying ourselves. We could still be enjoying the things we like.
I actually don't enjoy anything. Same! That doesn't even excite me.
Just hit one of the two boxes on the right, and don't forget to hit the bell so that YouTube lets you know when we put more stuff up. It's awesome, everything is great, YouTube is a wonderful place.
Stay here forever, never leave, never go home, never see your family again. |
SaturdayNightLive | a_few_minutes_with_andy_rooney_breasts_saturday_night_live | And now, a few minutes with Andy Rooney. I've been doing some serious thinking about the Equal Rights Amendment. I've always felt that all people were created equal. of course, some women are more equal than others. Do you ever notice women's breasts? There are so many different kinds. basically, they come in four sizes. small, medium, large, and Kate Smith. God bless America, Kate, and God Bless Women. Do you ever notice how many different names there are for women's breasts? there's bazoons, balloons, Bonkers, Bonkers, Hooters, Noonies, Knobs, and jugs. Then there's Zeppelins, Dairy Queens, Face Warmers, Grand Tetons, and Love Pillows. of course, my favorite has always been Twin Cinemas.
You know what really bothers me? men with breasts. Why do they always wear band lawn shirts? Do you ever hear the expression tit for tat? what's a tat? Speaking of equal Rights, why are there some breasts you can show on television and others you can't? for example, you can't show these, but you can show these. Notice, do you ever notice that some men are preoccupied with one subject? Whatever happened to falsies? Do you ever go to a wet t-shirt contest? And what does walking a breast mean? Could never figure that one out. could never figure the era out. |
dropout | monster_maps_arcane_magic | From Dumbledore to Numenor, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's one thing they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually.
Joining us today, we have Brian Murph Murphy. Hello. We have Amy Vorpahl. Hi guys, I'm very excited to be making excellent internet content for you. And we're excited to have you, and we have Matt Mercer. Hi, medication's almost kicked in. Great.
Well, you are all here to play Um, Actually. If you haven't played before, rules are pretty simple.
I hear a stack of statements. These are false statements about the franchises nearest and dearest to your hearts, or if not to your hearts, to some rabid fan base somewhere. It's up to you to identify the thing that is wrong with it, buzz in, and correct me. Now, there's only two, really two rules. One is, all corrections must be preceded with the phrase Um, Actually.
If you don't say Um, Actually, you won't get a point. And the second is, you can interrupt me at any time. You don't need to wait for me to finish my point. The important thing is that you prove that you know more than me, and that you're a better person than me because of it, by interrupting me when you want.
Our first question is about Dungeons and Dragons. Well, for most people, the distinction between a wizard and a sorcerer may seem trivial. For the players of Dungeons and Dragons, the difference couldn't be more stark. While they both rely on intelligence to determine the potency- Matt. Um, actually, sorcerers rely on charisma for their spell casting?
That's correct. That was the one where everyone knew the answer. The scholarships are rolling in.
I love the idea of being like, good around people lets you cast spells. Or being a gorgeous, not really pretty. My beauty gives you knives in your favor. I fully believe it's purely based on the fact that in the 80s and 90s everyone thought charisma was a dump stat in D&D. Designers were like, yeah?
Oh, yeah? I'm a sorcerer! This guy's so charismatic, he can pull a bunny out of his hair. Alright, we're gonna move on to our second prompt here. This is about Game of Thrones. Fuck yeah.
Westeros has a tradition of naming children born out of wedlock after a geographical feature of their homeland. The use of these surnames is based on the acknowledgment of the parents, so bastards such as Gendry are barred from having a last name of any kind, whereas bastards like Jon and Ramsay Snow are allowed theirs. Matt. Um, actually, I believe that Ramsay's last name is Beach Sand. Uh, no, I'm sorry, that just- Wait, oh, actually, Ramsay's last name is Bolton!
Yeah, that's not what we're going for, but that is actually technically correct. So I guess, fuck it, let's roll with it.
Um, actually, they're all special boys, and they should all have last names, right? They are all very special boys. They should have last names. It's a human life. Um, actually, there are girl bastards too. That's true, they are all special girls.
I was just talking about Ramsay again, very specifically. We're also going for is that Jon Snow is not a bastard.
Oh, yeah! No!
We've been living with that reality for so long, it's hard to change gears, but hey, I call him a bastard. He's not a bastard. No, he's not.
Alright, this question is about Star Wars. Yes! General Grievous, the droid general of the Separatist army during the cloning. Um, actually, it's bullshit that you're doing some prequel shit. Oh, come on, they're not canon. Sorry, I'm here to be popular on the internet, dude. Almost, almost out of spite, we've done more prequel questions than we have earlier. It's like, we're going to ask you about Gungans, because fuck you. Are you a real fan? Yeah, you said you liked Star Wars, asshole! General Grievous is in Star Wars! You feel about boss Nast!
Um, sorry. That's alright, we'll allow the operates, we'll continue.
General Grievous, the droid general of the Separatist army during the Clone Wars, while not capable of wielding the Force, was able to wield four lightsabers in his battle against Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Amy. Um, actually, he was not the leader of the Separatist army. He was the general of the Separatist army.
Okay. Matt? Um, actually, if I recall, his four lightsaber battle was with Yoda. No, he fought Obi-Wan Kenobi. Okay. The most George Lucas-y name of all, Count Dooku. Murph. Um, actually, he's not a droid. That's correct. Shit! He's got some human parts, too, right?
He's always fucking coughing, yeah. He's always coughing!
General Grievous is a cyborg, he's not a droid, he has a lot of robot parts. He's a very sick robot. I could care less.
Absolutely. Trapp, I actually really like that question now. That's actually a really good one. Because you got it right. Yeah.
We're moving into comics. Um, specifically, we're going to talk about X-Men.
X-Men in the X-Men universe often bring incredible supernatural abilities, but it can also bring seemingly unrelated physical changes as well. Kurt Wagner received his ability to teleport, but also got fangs and a tail. Mystique, while she can change form at will, is in her natural form, scaly and blue.
Hank McCoy's mutation gave him super intelligence and beast-like strength and agility, but also a simian physicality- Um, actually, Hank McCoy was already smart. That's correct. His mutation is not that he was super intelligent. He was already super intelligent, and he just mutated to be very strong. I like that I sounded like an idiot while explaining that. Oh, he was a smart guy. It's very funny to be already super smart, get the ability to be super strong and agile and be like, I'm fine with the lab. The lab's fine.
And they're like, I know this happened to me. I know I have abilities no one else has. I'm sticking with the science. I got some grants to fill out.
That's it for this preview of Um, Actually. But wait, there's more! In fact, a whole 66% of this episode. To watch it, just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. And since we're all about being correct here, I should point out that it's not actually 66%. It's 66.666666.
Look, these bards has prepared a couple bars of a song from The Hobbit. These are new melodies, but old lyrics, the lyrics should be recognizable. It's up to you to arrange these songs in the order that they appear in the book. |
TheOnion | Shelby_Cross_Warns_Women_Self_Defense_Classes_A_Trap | Listen up, ladies. I want to have a word with you. If you think taking a self-defense class is going to make you safer, you are dead wrong. And I want to tell you why. Let me paint a little picture for you.
You walk into a self-defense class, and a man teaches you how to fight, right? Now, what happens when you walk out of that class? That man who just taught you how to fight now knows every single move in your arsenal. He knows what you would do if he was going to attack you. That's right. If this self-defense class instructor decides to turn on you, you are dead meat.
So what do you do? Watch and learn. And choke. I recently signed up for one of these self-defense classes and brought along a camera crew to watch. Take a good look at this class instructor.
Thank you very much. Boy, was he smooth. He tried to butter us up with flowery compliments like, good work. Nice try.
But don't worry, folks, I wasn't letting my guard down for one second. Maybe he wasn't planning to attack me at all, but he could potentially plan to attack me at some point, and that left only one option. Take him out first. My quarry approached, and when the moment was right, I struck. I knew he'd be able to counter my every move if I just did what he had taught me. So instead, I did exactly the opposite.
He taught us how to do an eye jab. Instead, I beat him with a baseball bat. He taught us how to do a foot stomp and a hair grab. Instead, I just hit him with the bat even more.
And when I was through with this guy, I made sure he knew who I was and that he should never try any funny business with me. I am Shelby Cross, do not. Now folks, I acknowledge that this man may have never been a threat, but a potential threat is just as dangerous as a real one. I don't play games with my life and neither should you, and that's it. |
cracked | cracked_responds_to_suicide_squad_sorry | Guys, Suicide Squad. Did you all watch it? Because I told everyone that they have to for work last week, so. Yes, watching it now, yeah.
Oh my god, it was terrible. It was worse than I thought. Like I went into it wanting to like it because people said it was so bad and I was like, you know what?
I don't want to be a Killjoy. I went with my mom who likes things.
She hated it. Tom and I also hated the movie.
Yeah, boy. It was, it was not good. It was this movie where everyone kept telling us how villainous they were starring seven pretty nice characters. Yeah.
And then one horribly abusive relationship. She was his doctor, fell in love with him. The way it is in the cartoons and comic books is, it's that Nietzschean thing where, you know, like you stare into the abyss long enough and it like, it changes you and there's that legitimate like actual phenomena where people fall in love with death row inmates.
And that makes her crazy. Like that's enough for her to be a crazy person. Yeah, she's already there. She bought him a machine gun. Give me a machine gun and she's like, okay. You see that scene and she's still like, kind of like afraid of him, but then he like throws her in a chair and electrocutes her brain. Yeah. So she's crazy and then makes her jump into acid.
Stop selling. You closed the deal.
Yeah. She's already in love with you. She freed you from your asylum. I did empathize with her, texting him the whole time. She's like on a suicide mission, but she's like, he texted me. I'm like, I feel you girl.
Jared Leto's Joker looks more like a, like the guy that you'd be annoyed with at a party.
Also, other hot tip for you teens, a great region to do tattoos is like below here. Like anywhere, anywhere below here, go for it.
Like don't, damaged here is not, no. He looks a lot like Jared Leto's stage persona for his band, 30 seconds to Mars. If you're going to method act to the point where you're sending your cast mates used condoms, you need to be better. This movie was made, I think co-produced by Hot Topics so they could sell Harley Quinn t-shirts. They're going to, like these kids are going to storm wall, get their Harley Quinn stuff and think that's what a good relationship is.
And it's not. Tweens? Right.
Because at least, at least point that out in the movie. Also, all the fight scenes in this movie aren't cool because they cut away from the characters who fight cool. Like Katana has a cool fight scene. There's a hero shot with Will Smith where he's just shooting people in a car.
Yeah. And that's not fun to look at. Yeah.
The organization, the team in general, like when they were very carefully introducing everyone's very specific powers, it was like these three guys shoot good and these two people are like good at punching and this one guy does a little fire. Also, we have a 7,000 year old witch who's God. No, we're going to keep cutting at Will Smith just shooting people.
Like he doesn't even look like he's excited about it. He's just like, well.
It was cool when they played Black Skinhead with it because that's a cool song. Right, right, right. And I think this whole movie is like, yeah, we know this movie is not good, but these songs are cool, right? Yeah. They exist to make a bunch of music videos for songs ever. Either that was the plan or they made the movie and they were like, this doesn't work. Let's just paper it over with like House of the Rising Sun. Also, at risk of being an SJW, this is a movie about a black man who's good at shooting people, a Latino man who is fiery.
They keep calling him SA.
The one genuine laugh that I had in the movie was the one character moment that made sense and that's when Rick Flag breaks the thing. He's like, you guys are free to go. This is f***. And Boomerangs meet like, all right, I'm going to see you. That dude has no reason to be there. Has the harshest sentence out of any of them? And the villain is even like exactly the original Ghostbusters villain. There is no Jana, there's Zool with the person from the team. That's what's happening. It's like they told that actor, just writhe in front of a green screen for a while.
I didn't know if it was supposed to be sexy or terrifying. When Enchantress is trying to lure them over to her side, doing that thing, she's showing them what she could give them. She could use her magic to give them what they want most. And Harley Quinn wants to have a family with a Joker, which doesn't make sense. I had a huge problem with that because we know it's an abusive relationship, but also if they're going to own it and be in their abusive relationship. Her fantasy is not them as themselves together, it's them with no makeup on, totally perfect.
When they showed Deadshot's vision of what his ultimate life would be if he got everything he wanted, it's not a touching scene of him being a family man and being able to be there for his daughter. It's him killing Batman. I believe Will Smith's character arc is learning that it's okay to murder people in front of his daughter. They do try to double down on the claim that these people are bad guys because they show Will Smith teaching his daughter how to murder people, but still make you try to believe they're redeemable.
And those two things don't work together, you can't do that. No. But nobody else really has any kind of meaningful arc.
Like Amanda Waller called her shot in the beginning, I can control this team. She controls this witch because she has the witch's heart. The witch's heart calls back and is like, the witch is bad, she went rogue, I can't find her now. And Waller's like, she just takes a pen and stops stabbing this heart.
Then gets kidnapped and then learns nothing. She is not like slapped down for her hubris or anything. She gets rescued by her team and is just s*** that afterwards. She's like, hey, I can still blow all your heads off even though you saved my life just now.
Back to prison for you. And Jay Courtney's like, can I have anything? No. You know, he goes straight back to prison and is in solitary confinement, in fact. And like, he starts out this movie in a bag and then ends screaming in solitary confinement. That's not great.
This movie somehow has too much exposition and not enough. The pacing of this movie is terrible.
We spend like maybe 30 minutes meeting every character in the beginning. I kind of know who Deadshot is, I certainly know who Harley Quinn is. And the first act sets up a lot of their backstory, and then the characters who I don't really know who they are, they're like, and this guy's like crocodile. Like right before the mission's about to start, they're like, oh, by the way, this is Slipknot, he's good at climbing things.
And then I really wanted him to go to Slipknot and go, oh, f***, I'm going to die, right? I'm absolutely going to die.
Hey, everyone. Thanks for watching this video. Please like and subscribe. Go down to the comments and let us know what else we could have spent our energy doing then watching this goddamn movie. There's a lot. Anything.
I could have taken the money for a ticket, fed a homeless child. I didn't do that. We could have formed our own Suicide Squad. We could, because truly we are the bad guys.
Like and subscribe.
We did it. Oh, it's fun. |
dropout | Am_I_Doing_Nothing_With_My_Life | Oh My god Finally in the same. I know right. I haven't seen you guys since last Christmas. I think no it's been a year Wow time flies Hey been Raph. Oh good. Yeah, what you been up to? work and works good you still at the Same place. Yeah, it's The same Nothing no really how about you guys I got a promotion Yeah, I have like 20 people working under me.
That's great. Wow nice. No, it's dumb. No, it's great. So down that it's great You deserve it.
Well, I got a new job. It's actually kind of my dream job Wow, I Just started my own business. I got tired of the corporate life and My photography has just been blown up.
You're famous. I see you on my phone and I'm like, that's my girl All my friends have done so much this year. Am I doing nothing with my life? That's so cool It's rough. What are you been up to? It's been a year. You must have done so much. Yeah Imagine work What have I done?
What have I done traveled anywhere? Yeah Where did you travel? You didn't go anywhere this year.
Yeah, me neither. Whoo.
Thank God How about your tour of Asia what oh, yeah Almost forgot about that. I guess it's like I've been four times doesn't really feel like a big deal anymore You took a tour of all of Asia and just forgot about it. Well, I went to Maui Why is everyone traveling to all these cool places? I didn't know I was supposed to do that And while I was there Oh You're a bridesmaid you're a bridesmaid you better come Sorry, I'm late everybody so 60 pounds dear God, I haven't lost any weight I said I would but then I didn't do it and I'm so sorry again Tried to get here as soon as I could but it is taking forever to paint my new apartment. No, I'm in the same And let me tell you this had to make more space for the new dog Yeah, please a dog I have to say something cool I've done I've been paying my rent Once a month Raph so good to see you.
How have you been? What do you do with your days? What'd you do this weekend What'd you do before you came here? What are you thinking about right now? What am I thinking about?
I'm doing so little with my life I have nothing to think about Yeah Raph's head exploded That's something new that happened this year. Oh my god. I wish I had something that cool going on in my life Guys it's really no big deal |
Wizards_with_Guns | why_was_this_science_tv_show_pulled_off_the_air | Hi, I'm Dr. Ross Osiago. And I'm Professor Taj Mahag.
The essential building block to all life on this planet is the humble cell. If you were to shrink me down to the size of a cell, I'd fucking die. Cells are everywhere.
From the shit in your ass to the spit in your mouth. Speaking of spit, did you know that without saliva, you couldn't even taste your food? Human digestion is fascinating. The acid in your stomach is so strong it can even dissolve with stainless steel.
Down the hatch. My baby is born with over 300 bones. As they grow up, that number reduces to around 200. Not me. I kept all my baby bones. The human body holds enough blood to fill approximately six and a half oven mitts. But why would you do that?
There's a common There's a common misconception that humans evolved from monkeys. This is false. It was actually the capybara. The human penis is actually really small.
Human consciousness is so boring. Actually, professor, the average brain is capable of more than a gen- I don't care. I don't care about science. And I don't care about Tyler, Carol.
Your son's not talented. He was an okay He made her pain at best. Hey man. Are you okay? Carol's like you swallowed a nail. Carol says a lot of things. She said her son was going to be a star. No, no. You're right. He doesn't have the range. Yeah. Wait. What were we talking about? Um. I don't know.
Animals? There are over a million species of ants. Who gives a shit?
Birds reproduce by internal fertilization during which the egg is fertilized inside the female. Like reptiles, birds have cloaca, or a single exit and entrance for sperm, eggs, and waste. The male brings his sperm to the female and the sperm fertilizes the egg.
That's a nice way of saying mush and hold. The human penis The human penis is The human penis is actually really small. I'm so close. |
cracked | 6_oddly_specific_and_extensive_online_collections_of_wtf_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 24 of Crack TV. I'm Michael, the only talk show host with a debilitating s- a de- b- a- just a- just a big ol' s- t- a- moving on. With me, as always, is the life of the party, Clippy.
Wow, really? Really knocking it out of the park there.
Alright, so off to a slow start today, but that's okay. Because according to my therapist, today's topic is...
The net's six biggest collections of WTF. And also, I need to be more open with my feelings. Seriously, $45 an hour for that. Ridiculous. That open enough for ya, assface? If the internet is like a rich mindful of what the hell am I supposed to be looking at here, then Cinnamorg is like a big fat vein of oh dear god no. The site's creator says he was sick of friends always asking him, what's that movie where so-and-so kills such-and-such?
His solution to this minor problem? Creating an exhaustive database of every death scene in every movie ever. And now he has no friends. Problem solved.
He's even got a picture section, although only for the actresses, because honestly, who wants to see a man get strangled to death frame by sexy frame? Ooh, a slideshow feature. I know how I'm gonna die. What the fuck is this? The dead celebs aren't active enough for ya. Mouse on over to the Celebrity Allergy Archive, a blog for those who enjoy beautiful celebrities with allergies. A demographic that apparently exists. Seems like a tough fetish to indulge, though.
Come on, baby. Yeah. Yeah? Is it coming? Are you... Are you just yawning? Come on.
Don't blue ball. Ah, shit. No, it's okay. It's okay. I'll get it on the next round. That's okay. Ow! I'm sorry.
Go! So, who's on track, like, Jennifer Garner caught sneezing again? Again? Jennifer, you slut. Hurry up, though.
In a few weeks it'll be too late to vote for which of these women you'd like to see sneeze. My vote's for Paula. She's wanted it for so long.
What the fuck? Alright, some quick math. If this guy's uploaded 10,000 videos of himself smoking pipes, and he's only had a YouTube account for 18 months, then that means... Does he carry the wand? Oh, right. Right. What the fuck? Conrad's brand of what the fuckness is both simple and direct, himself smoking cigars and or pipes, a list of the clothes he's wearing, and unsettling musical parents. Ten thousand of them.
The only non-pipe smoking video is a two minute still of his wife, who we can assume died of smoke inhalation a few minutes after meeting him. Then, as per her last request, he smoked her remains in a fine calabash.
What the fuck? Over at the beautiful cervix project, they have a motto. This site contains photos of a cervix. And how? There's like a hundred pictures of cervices on this site, and every single one looks like an alien fetus that fell down a horrible well. Oh, except the post-coital one. That looks like an alien fetus that fell into a puddle of semen. What the fuck? I'll bet you thought blurred cervix was the grossest thing you were going to see today. Well, think again. Chase the cat makes blurred cervix look like... actually kind of looks like a cervix.
That or the faceplate part of a Furby. Over at the blog, Chase No Face, Chase's owner posts hundreds of pictures chronicling his kittenish shenanigans and faceless adventures. So look out, law cats, there's a new cat meme in town.
What the fuck is this? Love twin porn but respect our nation's incest laws? Have I got the YouTube channel for you? Clone Lab features dozens of clips of women in various states of multiplicity doing and saying all the things you'd expect clones to do and say. What is it?
Overacting? Ah, I shouldn't be so hard on her. You would take an acting genius to pull off dialogue that bad. In the end, this is just another unrealistic male sex fantasy.
I mean, sure, we'd all like to bang our clones, but no one ever considers the morning after. Hey, hey, are you awake? Yeah, I was never asleep. Last night was fun.
Uh-huh. You know, I sort of thought you'd be gone when I woke up. Me too. I guess I don't know that much about clones. Yeah, yeah, me neither.
Listen. Handcakes? What?
No, you go. Nothing. Go ahead. Just say it. Please.
Breakfast. Do you want breakfast?
I want to die. Well that about does it for this episode.
Hey, Clippy, how'd you like to go for some hot fudge sundaes? Ha! I knew you'd be excited. Hey, hey, maybe if you're good, we can get butterscotch? Oh, look at him. He's so excited. Hey, say it with me, Clip.
Sundaes.
Oh, we have fun. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swaim, and to play you out, here's a Flickr gallery of bloody nipples. Everybody hurts sometimes. |
dropout | choosing_things_the_way_you_choose_politicians | and that's why you should choose us or us all right so we got two options here until the end of the day to vote on College Humor's new health care provider I liked her cool so that's one for option a what did you like not just liked her okay well we're voting on a health insurance provider so it's not really about likability it's about policies what did you like about the company and I vote B because he looked like a school teacher I mean if we're talking about policy no Ali you're not getting it he looked like a serial killer what right he did right you're focusing on the wrong thing all right this is a policy driven question it doesn't matter what someone looks like and what did you think you look like oh my vote doesn't count we're literally in a dead tie your vote is the only vote that counts nobody cares what I think undecided voters every time this is exactly like the time we couldn't board that plane because you weren't sure about the pilot he didn't look like he'd be fun to have a beer with wait you want to get drunk with your pilot I want to get drunk with everybody okay I only care about their policies concerning women's health why men hate women I might be a man break up but I'm also a single-issue voter okay well I am a well-rounded voter and we should vote for the guy number two but you're not a doctor either she but that's what I like about her you know she'll shake things up fine my vote is for a perfect I don't like it but it's like she's gonna win anyway okay nope this has to be a policy driven vote none of this horse racing BS what does she mean by that horse racing bullshit when Rekha says it nobody cares what I think okay well with option a you get two primary care visits a year what then we turn into Venezuela stop talking all right look I like nurses okay I do I have a lot of nurse friends it's just I don't want them working with my family okay I have no problem with nurses but I do think that we should ban doctors at least temporarily from coming here from their country countries hospitals you said country no I was repeating what you said oh my god Rekha Oh country you said countries you just said it twice okay all right stop it this is ridiculous okay I'm giving you the option to choose a health care provider and you can't even do it um I'm sorry what about her emails please hi I'm Raphael and if you like that video subscribe to dropout where you can chat with the cast and the exclusive dropout discord and that is a chest thing promise which is almost as good as a real promise |
dropout | hardly_working_cool_english_teacher_2 | The hour of office has commenced. Let's put the Harry in the literary. I haven't shaved in weeks. That was a joke. It's okay to laugh. Oli oli oxen free! Come to my office hours and we will look up what that means. Okay, I have free Kings of Leon tickets in here. What can I do for you, sir? You said there'd be Kings of Leon tickets. Exactly. Deception is a central theme in Off-Fellow.
Okay, so there aren't tickets? No, of course, there are tickets.
Oh, good! Ha ha! You'd be dead in a second! Get your hands off me. Yep, sorry.
I know what kids your age think about Shakespeare. He's old. He's dead. He's history. Past tense. What do you call him?
Shook spear. That spear has been shoken. Am I right? So we've got to be the real spear shakers, okay? The real spear chuckers.
Ah, it's gonna be a formal complaint. Now, in his time, F. Scott Fitzgerald was not a writer. Are you serious? We're the only two people in the room, and all of that combines to form contemporary literature. Okay, it is time for a pop quiz. I give you a vocab word or a literary term.
You give me a cinnamon. Uh, cinnamon. You just said cinnamon twice. I had a question about a Clockwork Orange.
Let me stop your head there. No, unfortunately, you can't rape anyone you want. And you can try, but... No, you can't try.
Well... Well, what? What? My wife filed for a formal legal separation, which isn't technically divorce, so I guess, you know...
Listen, this is a safe space, okay? In here, nothing can hurt you. In here, we're invincible.
Ow! Okay, I give you a word. You give me a a Cinnabon. What?
Cinnamon.
Let's just get drunk and f**k. |
SaturdayNightLive | raspberry_soda_porn_mags_saturday_night_live | Well, I lived here for two years before I got the apartment downtown. I really like this neighborhood. I know. it's so cute. I love it. hey. hey. two sodas? yeah. hey, didn't you used to live across the street? Yes. I did. wow. four years ago. just showing my fiancee the old neighborhood.
Yeah. well, I remember you. you look good. Oh. I've put on a few pounds since then. Oh, no, no. you look good.
And you still like the raspberry soda, huh? Wow. that's right. that's amazing. Yeah, well, see, I remember you used to come in every Saturday night, get a six-pack of raspberry soda, a Mars bar, and a porn magazine. Sean? no. no, that wasn't me. Oh, yeah, it was you. you still like Mars Bars? Yeah, he does. And I remember you liked Fat Jug's magazine.
I can't believe this. obviously he's confusing me with someone else. Can you guys tell my fiancee that you're mistaken? Well, I never forget a customer. you also like Black Tail Magazine, am I right? you know what? the raspberry soda you got, right, Okay? but you're mistaken about other things? you must be thinking about someone else? Oh, yeah. right. yeah. yeah, you're right. I'm so sorry.
I was thinking about somebody else. you never bought Mars bars or jerk mags. But you love Mars bars. Okay, maybe he bought Mars bars, but he never bought Fat Jug's or pregnant Sluts magazines.
I confuse you with someone else. it's understandable. Yes, sorry. yeah. sorry. yeah, we're almost out of Marlboro Live. we're gonna have to order some more. Okay. hey! look who it is! the porno guy! Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, I almost made the same mistake. you're thinking of a different guy. La, La, La. it was him.
Hey. you still reading Big Beaver magazine? What is that? a hunting magazine?
I don't know. Yeah. all right.
No, no. he never bought porn here, Jimmy. Yes, he did. every Saturday, he'd buy a Stroke mag and a. strawberry soda. it was a raspberry soda. You know what? why don't you give it up, Sean? they obviously remember you buying pornography here. uh-oh. looks like the cat's out of the bag. Man, we missed you. when you moved out of the neighborhood, our porn inventory really stacked up back there. you need to walk around.
I cannot believe this!
Well, hey, in his defense, he never bought any of the gay magazines. that makes me feel so much better. I would see him leafing through them, but he never purchased one. Okay. you know, okay, I used to buy a girly magazine every once in a while. every Saturday. not every Saturday! No, it was every Saturday. we used to try to figure out where you kept all those magazines. Well, I don't buy them anymore.
Oh. what, are you on the internet? Yes. no! what? it has nothing to do with it.
I'm quite happy with my relationship. Yeah, I'm sure you are. she probably saves you, like, a hundred bucks a month.
No. I'm so glad I stopped into this store. you know what? I'm so glad we came in here because it gave me the chance to realize what a pervert I almost married. Oh, honey. goodbye, Sean.
Whoopsie. give me the raspberry soda. Okay. oh, a Mars bar?
Bye. Bye. bye. bye. bye. Bye. |
CrackerMilk | girls_that_believe_anything | Hello police I'm responding to an emergency. Oh my god. Thank god. You're here I just got home from a conference and my house has been attacked by spider-man my house and my husband Babe, babe, come tell them come tell them what spider-man did. Come on. Yeah I was alone and spider-man came in and and got on top of me and he webbed me up and he webbed the Whole house and it's okay. It's not a big deal.
I think you could probably go home now No, he was covered head to toe. He could barely open his eyes. They were webbed shut wasn't I wasn't covered in it There was a little bit of web just here, but I just wiped that off with a towel Well, he licked that off tell them how you licked it off. You have to be honest with the police darling He licked it off. Wow. He must have webbed you like Six seven times eight loads in two hours. Yeah, he was feeling pretty like aggressive I guess maybe like pent-up because maybe like Mary Jane's not putting out or something. So Can't believe spider-man did this. Oh, you don't have to touch quite sticky No, no, don't put it in your mouth Salty yet a little bit sweet as well. Yeah, maybe spider-man's been drinking pineapple juice or something And what about the tissues is that spider-man's doing as well? That was also spider-man Can I talk to you outside?
Of course, you've got to get out of here right now I think they're wrong to us, but baby. What about us?
Poor sweet King, I'm truly I'm truly an a sweet King Show them your limp. I'd rather not show them Lulu. They need to see everything. They need the evidence I've never seen him move like this. He used to be able to run triathlons. I could never could babe I'm just really sad cuz like we will press charges |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_200_Allegra_Spender_Independent_Candidate_for_Wentworth | How good is Australia?
There's fucking language. Let there be a thousand blossoms blooms, folks, I could sue, you know. But I ain't spending any time on it. Get me my valium. Don't stop wearing the Speedos.
You're listening to Decode, The Tudor Advocate's new podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. And for our fourth interview profile of the Tudor Advocate's new Decode series, we're talking to a federal candidate who is hoping to free her constituents from the tyrannical grip of the two-party system. Now, if you're not familiar with the Tudor Advocate's Decode series, our humble newspaper has launched this podcast in a hope to explain the wishy-washy bullshit of federal politics to Australian audiences who have well and truly tuned out or never really tuned in.
Your host today are myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Tudor Advocate. And Errol Pike, the editor-at-large. Now, today's guest comes from a high-profile political family, both her father and grandfather being members of the Australian House of Representatives as liberals.
Is that correct? That's right.
And both later being posted as ambassadors. And today's guest is the former head girl of the elite eastern suburbs girl school known as Askam, graduating with one of the best and highest ATARs in the state before launching a career in business. That was before she decided that she could no longer bear being represented in Canberra by a political party led by Scott Morrison. Thank you for joining us today, Allegra Spender, the independent federal candidate for Wentworth.
Thanks so much for having me. Now, I hope I got all that right in the research I did. Look, I've never been introduced as the head girl before, so, you know, that's a nice change. Well, yeah, I thought I wanted to kind of introduce you in a way that would kind of point to your upbringing and how your upbringing may have in any other universe led you to the liberal party. Indeed.
Can you explain to us the moment you snapped? I think probably the moment I really snapped was during the COP26 lead up.
And I felt that like a lot of people have been really concerned about climate change and see it also as an opportunity for Australia because we're one of the sunniest, windiest places on earth. So surely this should be good for us to decarbonize and lead the world.
And we got to COP26 and we saw those final stumblings of the Liberal National Coalition. And when they came out with a non-plan and a non-revision of the Tony Abbott target, that really is when I snapped. And I said, I cannot support this anymore.
So as Clancy touched on just briefly before, you come from a quiet and esteemed political family. What made you go your own way when it comes to politics rather than go the old fashioned way, join whichever party suits your proclivities and then head up to pre-selection, win and then become a idle backbencher like they haven't went with now? Look, we've always been independent thinkers in my family and not necessarily toed the line even when my father and my grandfather were part of politics.
But for me, this is about what's important. And I also talk to my dad constantly about this.
The Liberal Party is really different to the Liberal Party that he joined and that my grandfather joined. They have quite different values. And some of that I think is where we need to come back to in terms of some of the values that the Liberal Party used to espouse. And you look at what Fraser did in terms of how he welcomed refugees in the 70s. You look at, I was reading something about Menzies who was talking about the importance of a independent public service. And you say, well, these are really different qualities and different values to the ones that we're seeing right now. Now, as we have pointed out, the people of Wentworth and the Spender family have been traditionally blue ribbon liberals, especially when your local member was Prime Minister Turnbull.
And that all changed when he got rolled by Morrison. The entire eastern suburbs decided to replace him with the independent Karen Phelps.
This is probably one you haven't been asked before. Can you explain why Karen Phelps did not get elected a second time at the federal election five months later? Look, I don't, you can't say exactly for sure.
I mean, it's interesting to see that actually her primary vote increased over that period of time. But it could be, I mean, a bunch of different things could have been there. I think there was a big scare campaign around labor. And so I think there was a big concern that a vote for Karen was a vote for labor. I think there was a concern, particularly around the economy. And I think perhaps a complacency that she's in there and perhaps you don't need as much advocacy.
So I think certainly it was, I think, surprised to Wentworth and I think there are a lot of people in Wentworth that I've spoken to who've regretted that choice. And who do you think that you've spoken to that Dave Sharma has lost the support of since he was the first elected? Who are the voters that have now decided to surrender to the spender? Look, I think there are lots of different, that's a great line by the way, surrender to the spender, I'm gonna use that myself. So there are a lot of disaffected liberals I've spoken to.
And these are people who traditionally, they are professionals, they are business owners, they are people in the finance industry and in broad industries who are incredibly frustrated with the current state of affairs. And these people who are saying, look, you need to listen to the scientists on climate change. You need to listen to the Business Council of Australia about where the opportunities are for this country. Why have we stopped listening? At the same time, I was down on Bondi Beach, pestering as some people call it, and talking to two different people in the communities.
And this guy walked up and he had his kid on a stroller in front of him and I was asking him, look, what's important to you? And he said, look, for me, climate's really important. He said, I wanna live in a humane society, I wanna be kind, I actually wanna have a kind place. And he said, but I'm a small business owner and that's absolutely really crucial to me too. And I think the people that are leaving are the people who say, you can be those three things. You can be someone who cares about the environment and sees this as an opportunity. You can be someone who believes that we should treat people humanely and then particularly refugees, for example, as being a really stark issue where people in indefinite detention who are refugees themselves after nine years of being locked up in Australia. And it's okay to have those two things and to want an environment that's good for business and good for small business.
So those are the people that I think are also feeling very disaffected. Kindness seems to be a big part of what you're talking about here and what the voters are talking to you about. But if we do look down at that hotel down there in Melbourne, and it's not a hotel by any means, it's a detention center where the refugees have been locked up for 15 years. It kind of came to light during the whole Djokovic thing. If we look at the people in there and we look at that young family from Billa Wheeler, if for whatever reason, Alex Hawk wakes up tomorrow with some kind of sense of humanity and decides he wants to release these people, I mean, that's all well and good, but you know and we know for a fact that they wouldn't be able to afford to live anywhere in your electorate. That's another element of humanity, housing.
What would you say? What is the answer to that and is this even an issue for your voters?
Look, it is absolutely an issue for Wentworth. And again, I think, see Wentworth in two ways. One is that Wentworth cares about its families and its local community. And the other side is that Wentworth really cares about the broader community. And there are a lot of parents and grandparents in Wentworth who've talked to me about the fact that their kids will never be able to live in Wentworth, never be able to buy, spoke to one of the surf life-saving heads of one of the local clubs who was saying he used to be part of a fishing club in Wentworth and all those people have left because they effectively, they cannot afford to live there. And at the same time, I think Wentworth is really interested in a broader perspective on the national picture. And when you look at some of the national questions, so for instance, young people's real wages are going backwards. And at the same time, housing is going through the roof. And so that disconnect is a real thing that they are also concerned about because I do think that people of Wentworth don't just care about themselves, they care about that broader community. So considering that Scott Morrison is about as popular in Wentworth as inheritance tax, how much of your campaigning is based upon essentially going after Scott Morrison and his policies as opposed to going against his candidate down there?
I think it's as much about being frustrated with the system, but it's also about saying, can we paint a different, a more positive picture? So I'm trying not to run a negative campaign. I'm actually trying to say, look, a lot of people are asking me, saying, what's the vision for the future that's more positive? What is a vision for the future that Australians can get behind? So I think it is about climate, but it is about the economy and it is about kindness.
So Scott Morrison is absolutely part of that. And Dave Sharma is also part of that in terms of what is holding Australia back, but also the Labor Party is also part of that. So this is a systems piece as well as individual frustrations about what's been going on the last three years. So Dave Sharma, I've done my research here and is a very, very difficult thing to figure out, but I figured out that he has voted with Scott Morrison 96% of the time since he has been elected into parliament. What do you think Dave Sharma stands for? Deep in his core, what do you think one drew him to the Liberal Party and to this day warrants so much support of the leadership? To be honest, I think you'd have to ask Dave Sharma that question.
I hope you get a chance to bring him onto your podcast. I think, from what I can see, he talks a moderate voice, but I think what people in Wentworth are really questioning is like, how do you vote? And I think that question of, he's voted with Barnaby Joyce and Morrison 96% of the time. He's done it on crucial questions for Wentworth, questions around things like climate change, question around things like integrity. And so I think that is where the frustration is in terms of, I hear a lot of nice things about he's a nice guy, but the real question is, can he be and has he been effective in driving the agenda for Wentworth? And that's the piece that I think people are really feeling wanting. We've spoken a lot about how the people of Wentworth really care about people who don't live in Wentworth. How will an independent candidate do more for the people of Wentworth than say someone in a major party? Well, look, I think we've just had the last three years to say, well, what has the member for Wentworth actually done for Wentworth and what has achieved in terms of those values?
And I think we're really found lacking. And again, I come back to climate because that's a real issue. I come back to integrity because that was actually commitment of the coalition, which they have not and will not fulfill for this electorate. But I also come back to questions about women. And that's certainly a big group who are very vocal in their support because they are incredibly frustrated. And the local member is not having an impact on some of those really crucial issues. You can then come to the question of the pandemic and the concerns that people raising about aged care, people concerns are raising about NDIS.
People of Wentworth have their man in Canberra. Surely we should be getting the results that people of Wentworth are looking for, but that's not what they're getting. And that's not what they're telling me. So do you feel like Wentworth has been taken for granted in, you know, they kind of looked down at Dave Sharma.
Oh yeah, he's got that one lockdown. He took it back off Phelps.
Those people don't vote Labour.
Is that what the feeling is on the street? Yeah, absolutely. I think absolutely people feel taken for granted. And a lot of people said, you know, I really appreciate you giving us a choice because we didn't feel like we've had many choices. And I think this is, you've given us a real choice in this election.
So by first voting in the independent, Karen Phelps in the 2018 by-election after Turnbull was disposed of, the voters of Sydney's East and South have proven before that they are not the biggest fans of the modern Liberal Party. Can you explain to us humble Queenslanders why they don't just vote in Labour?
I mean, Anthony Albanese is looking a lot like Malcolm Turnbull nowadays. We saw that Women's Weekly shoot he did with the white shoes, the white shirt and the thick-framed glasses.
But that's where the boss lives. Yeah, yeah. They're not earning a wage. Well, yeah, that's it.
Why do they hate Labour so much that they would elect an independent as an alternative? Look, I don't know that people hate Labour in Wentworth, but I think that there are some values where they feel that they're not aligned.
And at the same time, I think there's frustration with both parties. So it's not just a frustration, I think, with the Libza coalition. I think what there is a frustration for is that politics looks like theatre sports, as opposed to solid and real debate about what is most important for the country. And they seem to be playing gotcha, as opposed to saying, well, these are really the important issues. Where do we see common ground and where do we see real difference? And I think that's a lot of the frustration. It's not just about the Liberals or Labour. It's actually just about, is there's a lot of frustration about the system.
And because we've had Labour in before, and if you look at questions of integrity, Labour could have reformed donation laws. Labour could have reformed how appointments on public boards are made. Labour could have reformed all sorts of things, which they didn't. And so I think there is a feel frustration on that side, as much as we've always been a Liberal seat and that's how we are.
You talk about the two major parties, but tell me, what do the people of Wentworth think of Barnaby Joyce? I don't know that he's incredibly popular in Wentworth. Not at, no, I mean, sincerely, I don't think he is.
And I think that's absolutely, I think that's a lot of the frustration. I feel like there's a wrecker in there and he's pulling the strings in relation to climate change. And that drives people crazy.
You said before you're running a positive campaign. Do you reckon if you just put core flute posters up of his head around Bondi of all clues and said, this is what you're getting, do you reckon that would actually give you a bit of a shot in the arm? I think I'll, I'm not sure that that's going to be the way I'm going to run it. Well, just on that, if say for example, the liberal party split internally, kind of like what we have, the national party, if they split again into, you know, say your traditional kind of liberals that, you know, are from the older, more economically liberal, the true basis of what liberalism is, do you think they'd still be able to form a coalition with the, for lack of a better word, the Hillsong kind of liberal party we have going on now? Look, I think you'd have to ask the liberal party that, there are some very strange coalitions in the world and people do make things work, but I don't know, you'd have to ask them. We're talking about integrity and you know, the possibility and very much a policy you're running on is the establishment of a federal ICAC and we won't go into what the New South Wales ICAC has found over the last year. But that aside, do you think Scott Morrison's treatment of Gladys Berejiklian will be playing a role in the dissent towards you? I think that people expect the prime minister to uphold the institutions of the country and really support that. And I think even the example last week around ASIO was another example where I think people expect the prime minister to hold himself to a very high standard in terms of where he makes comments that might be political, but you know, as really the leader, there are a lot of concerns with that and I think, you know, people don't wanna see ICAC politicized and I don't think they wanna see, you know, ASIO and real sort of foreign interference politicized either. There seems to be a bit of momentum behind your campaign. You know, it's starting to feel a bit like the Zali and you know, the 2018 Phelps kind of push.
Sharma doesn't have the profile he said he would have. He doesn't have a portfolio, I don't believe. He doesn't, you know, the people of Wentworth would prefer a crossbencher to a backbencher.
I mean, they've shown us that before. I certainly hope so, yeah. Yeah, they've shown us that before.
Scott Morrison doesn't take kindly to people who make life hard for him. Have you seen any dirty tactics from the Liberals ever since you put your hand up or have you seen them do anything similar to other independents? Look, I think there's been some, a bit of argy-bargy. I'm sure it will get a little bit worse over the campaign and you know, I know I've, you know, spoken to Karen and others about, you know, what to expect but to be honest, I think you just need to push through that and try and focus on what your message is and that's really what we're trying to do and I think what we're trying to build on is, is really the community and volunteers. So if you're, you know, you can have all this sort of mean sort of social media in the world but if you've actually got hundreds of people in the community out there wearing t-shirts and talking about why they're supporting a candidate, I think that's a huge antidote to stuff that really looks like it's been, you know, manufactured to try and take someone down. If you go back through and look at how a lot of these people in politics have ended up in politics and then we see all the, you know, incredible things you've done with your professional life, do you feel that you're overqualified to run in federal politics? I mean, like one of the biggest things that really got Malcolm unstuck was, is that he wasn't able to treat his cabinet like he would, you know, the sales for it, Goldman Sachs. I mean, like if someone's useless at their job at an investment bank, you put your stuff in a box and then you cross the road to Bell Potter, something, you know, on the bottom domestic tier but just in saying that, would you be able to really work with these people? Absolutely, and I think there really are good people in politics, I know that sounds naive. At the same time, I think it's become incredibly narrow, you know, you have so many people who have come up through student politics in staffers, they have really only known that and I think there's so much to bring across the community that should be into politics.
You know, I've worked most recently, I spent the last four years running a not-for-profit which was low socioeconomic schools around Australia and business and I love that experience of spending a lot of time with school principals and business leaders and kids and mentors and I think those are some of the experiences that are worth bringing into politics but ditto those people who have been doctors and bringing that experience, ditto people who've been, you know, social workers or, you know, business leaders or, you know, worked in super funds, whatever it is, I think actually the diversity of experience, if we can bring more of that diversity into politics, I actually think it's gonna be better for government. I've, you know, I've run a business where I've been subject to all the different government regulations and trying to make those work. I've run an organization through COVID and had to deal with, you know, the difference of responsibilities and the changing world and I think that's experience and that variety of experience is actually really good. So you think that there's better talent out there than career politicians who basically only go to meetings if it involves singing and praying to Jesus?
I reckon there is great talent out there and I think it's also a diversity question. You know, I think it's a diversity of experience but it's also a diversity of outlook. And so, you know, Australia's, you know, one of the most multicultural countries in the world, we have a huge, you know, 30, over 30% of people born overseas, that's not represented in our parliament. You know, women, LGBTQ people, just all sorts of, you know, different ethnic minorities and different perspectives. Like that diversity is what makes the country great and I think we need to make sure we bring that into actually the parliament. That's an interesting point, diversity, because what a lot of people wouldn't know from the outside looking into somewhere like Wentworth or Bondi Beach even, is it kind of, you know, there's a lot of, people write it off as the Bondi hipsters or the, you know, traditional kind of linen wearing two and a half kids Range Rover. But there is a fair bit of diversity in there and there's been different waves of migration there. Can you explain a little bit about the demographics of your electorate and what their different needs are?
Yeah, sure. You know, everyone thinks of Wentworth, I think, as either Bondi Beach or, you know, sort of Harbourside Mansion.
60% of Wentworth live in Strada Apartments, which is much higher than the national average, which is around 40. So it's actually got quite a diverse community, even in terms of socioeconomics. It's a wealthy per capita in an income point of view, but it's also high cost. I mean, so very high rental costs and things. You see in terms of the actual demographics, it's got a few bulges. So it's got quite a lot of young people, but it's got quite a lot of in the 20 to 40 people. And then there's a bit of an exodus and then it has higher older people. So the young families, there are a lot of people who come to Wentworth and live there just for say three or four years or a lot of migrant populations. And then you have a lot of families who actually sometimes leave Wentworth because of housing affordability. You have people who've been there for generations and we have a strong older population. So there are all those different communities, but I think that's what makes Wentworth a really exciting place. It is very ethnically diverse. It's very diverse in the sense that people come and go from the community and the communities are quite rich and complex.
Again, I've just come from Wayside Chapel in Bondi. And again, what we were talking with John Owen there, who's the new leader there is just saying, how do you bring the different parts of the community together and how somewhere like Wayside, which focuses particularly on people who are homeless or facing challenges or people who long-term unemployed and trying to get into work, how do you mesh that in with other parts of the community? And when you do mesh that in, that's when it's real beauty and real joy comes out.
Where are those old Bondi scrappers? Where are they now though? Is those guys that used to, the old Leatherman that would sit at the Royal Hotel and just the career builders and the tradies or even the unemployed old bloke at the bar, where have they ended up?
And do you see them around? You do see them around, but a lot of them have had to leave. So it's a real, you do see some of those people around and a lot are still there, but they're also, they have moved as well.
Now we talk about diversity. There's a diversity of issues in federal politics too. You know what I mean? I mean, we've spoken predominantly about very local issues here.
There you are pushing for, climate change is not a local issue and neither is- Well, I think the people of Wentworth are so terrified of climate change because they'd be among the first ones to go under the water where the sea levels rise. I mean, you've got the low lying slums of Double Bay, Rose Bay, Triple Bay. It's all, they're the first ones that are going to go under water. Yeah, I mean, Amsterdam has an answer to that, but I don't know if we need to build levees or- A giant dam across the mouth of the heads there. Yeah, I mean- Across the mouth of the Parramatta River.
That's one option, but you know, climate change is a kind of widespread issue. Federal ICAC kind of is at least Australia wide issue, but in parliament, there are issues that take us across the world. You know, we're just looking at what's happening in the Ukraine now. I imagine in your electorate, you've got people from both the Ukraine and Russian descent. What would be your approach to a global issue like this right now? Because you can't really be expected to just be a local member.
Absolutely. And I think my general approach on issues is to talk to the community and consult with experts and be constructive. And so on foreign policy issues, you know, I see a great alignment, certainly with how I see things and what I see in terms of the government and the opposition, because they are fairly aligned in terms of foreign policy issues. But I think with every issue as an independent, I think the responsibility you have is actually to really come to views on specific issues yourself on the basis of, you know, that consultation with the community and consultation with experts. And that's the approach that I would take.
Going back to the issues that we're gonna see at the ballot in every electorate this election, do you think the topic of women's safety and just in general women's rights are gonna be playing a big role? I mean, we haven't actually seen anything like that at Women's March in Canberra for many, many years. That's something that's kind of reared up underneath Scott Morrison. And you could argue that the way he's handled a lot of this hasn't been that good. Do you think that's gonna be playing out both in your electorate and around the country?
Look, I do. I think that there's a lot of frustration for women in terms of what the last three years have shown. You know, I'm a mother of young girls and I want my girls to feel safe in any workplace and I want them to look up to parliament as the pinnacle of a workplace that they should see as like, this is a great example for the rest of the country. It shouldn't be something that's living in the 70s. And I think that's what we have seen in the last three years. So very much, I hear that constantly from women is they want to see better support for women and greater safety. And one of the key recommendations coming out of the review of parliamentary culture is you need to change leadership because I think if you change leadership, you can change culture. And that's what we need to see. Well, there you have it.
Allegra Spender, she's launching a, she'll be doing a few Q and A's down in Centennial Park. That'll be called Spender in the Grass. We're working on a few taglines today. Surrender to the spender is a good one.
We could put that on the core flute. It's got to do better than Dave Sharma will harm ya. And with that, the call out has been made. Dave Sharma, you are invited onto this podcast. Please join us. We'd love to hear your take and your policies and your push. We'll just finish this.
And your stock tips.
We'd love to hear them too. But we'll just finish with today. Allegra, if there was one thing you wanted to run with and you wanted to see happen as fast as possible in parliament and you were able to get that across the line, what would you be pushing for? I'm saying at least 50% reduction in emissions by 2030 because I think that would put us on a path for responsible action on climate change and actually economic prosperity.
There it is. Thank you for joining us. Allegra, it's been an independent candidate for Wentworth. Thank you very much for having me. It used to, you know, the old Leatherman that would sit at the Royal Hotel and just the kind of career builders and the tradies or even the unemployed old bloke at the bar.
Where have they ended up? And do you see them around? You do see them around, but a lot of them have had to leave. So it's a real, you know, you do see some of those people around and a lot are still there, but they're also, they have moved as well.
Now, we talk about diversity. There's a diversity of issues in federal politics too. You know what I mean? I mean, we've spoken predominantly about very local issues here. There you are pushing for, you know, climate change is not a local issue and neither is...
Well, you know, I think the people of Wentworth are so terrified of climate change because, you know, they'd be among the first ones to go under the water where the sea levels rise. I mean, you've got the low lying slums of Double Bay, Rose Bay, Triple Bay. It's all, you know, they're the first ones that are gonna go under water.
Yeah, I mean, Amsterdam has an answer to that, but I don't know if we need to build levees or...
A giant dam across the mouth of the heads there. Yeah, I mean... Across the mouth of the Parramatta River.
That's one option, but you know, climate change is a kind of widespreading issue. Federal ICAC kind of is at least Australia wide issue. But in parliament, there are issues that take us across the world. You know, we're just looking at what's happening in the Ukraine now. I imagine in your electorate, you've got people from both the Ukraine and Russian descent. What would be your approach to a global issue like this right now? Because you can't really be expected to just be a local member.
Absolutely. And I think my general approach on issues is to talk to the community and consult with experts and be constructive. And so on foreign policy issues, you know, I see a great alignment, you know, certainly with how I see things and what I see in terms of the government and the opposition, because they are fairly aligned in terms of foreign policy issues. But I think with every issue as an independent, I think the responsibility you have is actually to really come to views on specific issues yourself on the basis of, you know, that consultation with the community and consultation with experts. And that's the approach that I would take.
Going back to the issues that we're going to see at the ballot in every electorate this election, do you think the topic of women's safety and just in general, women's rights are gonna be playing a big role? I mean, we haven't actually seen anything like that Women's March in Canberra for many, many years. That's something that's kind of reared up underneath Scott Morrison. And you could argue that his, the way he's handled a lot of this hasn't been that good. Do you think that's gonna be playing out both in your electorate and around the country?
Look, I do. I think that there's a lot of frustration for women in terms of what the last three years have shown. You know, I'm a mother of young girls and I want my girls to feel safe in any workplace. And I want them to look up to parliament as, you know, the pinnacle of a workplace that they should see as like, this is a great example for the rest of the country. It shouldn't be something that's living in the seventies. And I think that's what we have seen in the last three years. So very much, I hear that constantly from women is they want to see better support for women and greater safety. And one of the key recommendations coming out of the review of parliamentary culture is you need to change leadership because I think if you change leadership, you can change culture. And that's what we need to see.
Well, there you have it, Allegra Spender. She's launching a, she'll be doing a few Q and A's down in Centennial Park. That'll be called spender in the grass. We're working on a few taglines today. Surrender to the spender is a good one.
We're gonna put that on the core flute. It's gotta do better than Dave Sharma will harm ya. And with that, the call out has been made. Dave Sharma, you are invited onto this podcast. Please join us. We'd love to hear your take and your policies and your push. We'll just finish this.
And your stock tips.
We'd love to hear them too. But we'll just finish with today. Allegra, if there was one thing you wanted to run with and you wanted to see happen as fast as possible in parliament and you were able to get that across the line, what would you be pushing for? I'm saying at least 50% reduction in emissions by 2030 because I think that would put us on a path for responsible action on climate change and actually economic prosperity. There it is.
Thank you for joining us. Allegra Spinner, independent candidate for Wentworth. Thank you very much for having me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Splendour_Canned_Because_The_Kids_Are_Fucked_Financially_Persecuted_Landlords_ | We have an interview coming up on Betooter Talks with Angus Sampson. We have had a good run of interviews actually these last couple of weeks. Old mate from The Imperfect, you did that one Wendell? Yeah, Huey, he was good. Didn't get as long with him as we hope but he reckons he's coming back for another couple of parts. Some great stories there, Queensland origin in the coaches box with Billy Slater. He's a resilience guy so he works with the coaches too of course and you know yeah Peter Garrett for all you lefties and we're hoping to get both the Queensland Premier and the Queensland opposition leader Stephen Miles and David Chrisit-Fully. We've had Chrisit-Fully before. He had less of a chance than snow in Cairns to beat Anastasia Palaszczuk but things have changed a lot and the LNP are looking like contenders heading into this Queensland election so we'd like to interview the both of them.
Consider this a shout out to a lot of you. Miles, we're coming for you too. But given Chrisit-Fully now is looking like a chance he probably won't come on here you know what I mean? We'll see. The LNP aren't well known for being brand conscious. What about you Errol? What's going on? Look I'm still reeling from the news that Splendour's been canned. I was looking forward to camping for three days, seeing Confidence Man, seeing G Flip, seeing Future, seeing... You're a future guy.
Look I'm not really sure what he does but like he got... He mumbles. He was like at top billing so I was I was I was looking forward to seeing what he had. You listen to the new album? No I haven't listened to any of his music but I was looking forward to seeing him. Bro you've got to listen to the Kendrick diss first.
I remember during your divorce you were a fan of Molly and Percocets. You were at home with half a bottle of metalla and some Percocets.
I don't know what they are. I live a pretty clean lifestyle I don't know what you're going at here but uh yeah look just look I'm gutted for people like G Flip obviously gutted for Confidence Man I think having seen them on the ABC New Year's Eve broadcast on the 31st of December last year I was actually that was the first time I saw them and I really did think that it was like the end of what was a really good year for the world to leave 2023 behind to a Confidence Man televised concert I thought it was great. Well I mean it's not just you mate it's a lot of people are grieving Australian musicians are thankful that at least they have a supportive pub scene in Australia. Yeah and of course today we're all mourning the fact that Wendell's people killed the son of my god not that Clancy had anything to do with it with his god but uh my god changes with every royal family. I'm just happy that we've gotten to the end of Lent I had given up a lot. You have what sort of things Errol? Things that I'm not willing to discuss on on this international podcast that you know fifty thousand people that's a hundred thousand years like to tune into for some reason but look I'm not telling you about the certain activities that I stopped doing over Lent it's been a long 40 days and 40 nights I'll tell you.
Did you retire your waifu pillow? I don't have a waifu pillow and those who are listening at home who might not know what a waifu pillow is for our our readers and listeners that drive tractors for a living that swing hammers that actually contribute to society for a living and don't just sit on a bus going to some bullshit job and listen to this podcast while they're on the way there. A waifu pillow is a it's a body pillow you know it's similar to what your wife would have when she's pregnant but instead of it being you know there to take the pressure off certain things it's got a print of like an anime woman on it that you're supposed to sleep with. And it replaces your wife obviously if you don't have one or if you have a waifu pillow odds are you've never had a wife but or you're in a modern relationship that's very true but like look that people fall in love with no no but the waifu pillow are different from the sex doll people yeah they're different no it's an emotional thing they don't know but look you of all people should know you can get a sex doll on the on the end well I got one so that I could drive in the T2 lane to work.
I just put it in the passenger seat so I could drive to the T2 lane. So you're sharing that one with your brother Clyde. Well I'm using it for different reasons I have it in the T2 in the passenger seat so I don't get pinched by the cops when I drive in the T2 lane to work.
That thing would pong. I hope you got the windows down. She coughed the other day. Anyway Wendell what's making use of it?
Yeah I think we should we should get into it we'll touch on that story you just mentioned at the top of the show there Errol Splendour has been canned and has been revealed it's because the kids are fucked financially and mentally from spending three years indoors in the prime of their young lives. The news has broken the hearts of many people who hold special memories of their time spent prancing through the sun-kissed plains of North Byron parkland and Tiagra over the last 20 years. It's drawn plenty of music and soul searching for people inside and outside the music industry who are coming to terms with the fact that the idea of jumping in a van and spending three days camping in Byron in between watching live performances by the nation's most popular acts no longer seems to be an adventure for young people. Yes it's slowly creeping in. That and the fact that most people in their late teens and early 20s are fucked financially and need to pay for things like rent and food and with the nation still trying to pin down exactly what is causing the death of festivals around the country a strong theory has been offered up. That the Australian youth had their sense of adventure and financial emancipation robbed from them by the world's strictest public health orders which had been installed to protect the post-war generation who are now raising rent in property investments around the country.
Thanks for nothing.
Segues nicely into our next story it's not all good and easy for landlords persecuted landlords have revealed that they might have to sell one of their properties after the entire taxation system and generational wealth is unable to protect every single investment they have from the real world. Yes the scary reality is faced by some of Australia's most vulnerable people this year as tough economic times continue to bite landlords across our great property speculating land are coming to terms with the fact that some of them might have to sell an investment property or maybe even two. Yes it's a really terrible story that's affecting a swathe of landlords who are facing the prospect of not having assets that appreciate in huge value whilst also housing peasants who pay the investment loans required to accumulate more and more property. We spoke to one landlord in town who has no business acumen other than being born before having a home was turned into a commodity and she told us she's going to have to sell her sixth investment property because the gap between the investment loan repayments and the rent she can hike in 12 month periods has been pulled too far apart.
It is just un-Australian and disgusting. Yeah it is.
So the property she told us about that she's going to have to sell she bought on the Sunshine Coast for just over 700,000 she's gonna have to sell it for well short of what she expected only about 945,000 which you know it's a couple hundred thousand over the last four years but it's she obviously was hoping to hold on to that for a little bit longer than leverage it into the seventh and the eighth property but. And to think all of that money is just going to go to some dreadful aged care home to change her for the next ten years when she loses her marbles. Well I guess some of it will go to the future landlords in her family.
Stimulating the economy. Yeah. Now we've got some scientific news a report has found that 90% of blokes who drive a ute while dressed head-to-toe in RMs work behind a desk. Yes a new report by the state's peak scientific body the CSIRO has revealed that the overwhelming majority of Australian men who wear RMs and drive utes do not have a lifestyle that would require strong footwear nor the need for such large storage space other than the occasional sweet marketplace furniture find that is. Yes speaking to a number of young gentlemen exiting a French Quarter RM store the advocate has learnt the majority of men who fall under the RM ute combo work in an office doing tech finance or marketing or real estate this includes local man art director at One Pump Digital Gavin Daly Hoss. Daly Hoss explained to us that while he has no need what's while he has no need whatsoever for a utility vehicle having a Ford Ranger makes him feel like a strong virile young man and he wouldn't have it any other way. Yes it's a telltale sign isn't it if it's not erectile dysfunction it's premature ejaculation with those RM boys isn't it.
Shout out to you Errol Parker for not kind of buying into this masculinity that's enveloped all of our nation you know you drive that Suzuki Swift around proudly you know let any of them bring you down fuel-efficient just a nice smart car. Mate you buy the car that your ego can afford and after I went and did ayahuasca in the glasshouse mountains I suffered complete ego death and now I don't have a conscience. Suzuki it is. Yeah Suzuki it is. That's a good humble car.
Now we'll finish up with some good news and a local bun me joint which is still charging seven dollars for a roll and a canned combo has received a national heritage listing big news for our town. And it's about damn time I will say the famous Saigon roll bakehouse on Radonica Street in the flight path district is finally getting the credit it deserves. Run by the Newen family for over 30 years the SRB has fed god knows how many people and will feed them continuously and feed them well. Now in the face of rising inflation and old-fashioned greed the Newens have recognized the Newens have been recognized for staying committed to providing their loyal customer base with a hearty reliable and cost-effective lunchtime option. The shop was this week approved by the Heritage Trust for its quote possession of uncommon rare or endangered aspects of Australia's natural or cultural history.
I'm just glad we're not a bunch of South Australians having to read that article I'll tell you what. They don't show the respect to the bar and me down there. I'm glad I'm not a Tasmanian trying to read that article as well.
Hey cut it out they're trying to form government it's a tough time. Yeah. That's all from us this week in the weekly Batutah Borden. Thanks for listening in and hopefully we didn't freak you out with some of the some of the improvised riffing earlier. Cease flying out. |
dropout | drawing_dungeons_doggos_with_adam_conover | It feels late, I know it's impossible to tell what time it is down here, but it does feel late. Like, I can't see a moon, but every time I turn my head around, I feel like there's a moon there. Yeah, that sort of phantom moon syndrome you get down here.
Yeah. PMS. It's called... That's what that stands for down here. Every month. Every lunar month. Damn it. Yep.
All right. Okay. Enough chitchat, you two.
Listen, I need you guys to really deliver this week. My old roommate is visiting and I need him to, you know, like any of your old friends when they come to visit you, you gotta make them seem like your life is working. Like if you could just make it seem like I have definitely not just been repeating the same destructive patterns for the past year.
That would be fantastic. Can do.
Who's your roommate? We'd love to meet them. He's kind of a big man on campus around these pots. One of the special elites.
Ooh. You know what?
I'm just going to summon him using his ancient jingle. He's your best friend and he's mine, giving out smiles all the time. It's Adam, the friendly demon. Adam!
Oh, my gosh. Nice to meet everybody. So we have jingled. So it has become. Oh man.
It's such a bummer I never get to hear the jingle because I'm only summoned after it's sung because you sing so well, Managar. Aww. Managar has a beautiful voice. Ironically, it is the voice of an angel.
Well, Adam, do you want to chill with us while we draw today?
We're hard at work fulfilling Managar's dreams. He's on the up and up. He's a very busy demon.
You know what? That sounds like a hoot and a half and I'll do it. All right. Managar, do you have an idea for us? Sean F. says dogs but bad. Ooh. Dogs but bad. I like the way Sean F. thinks. Yeah. Dogs are pretty good. Universally, I'd say. Yeah.
There's no dogs in hell. I mean, we know for a fact they'll go to heaven.
Yeah. So I think what I'm going to do to make a bad dog is I'm just going to sort of rough in a regular dog to start. Okay, yeah. And then we're just going to try and like see how we can mess it up. Yeah. Nathan, do you want to do kind of like the Super Mario 64 intro where we've just got a nice dog face and then we can kind of stretch it and manipulate it? I think that's the way to go. Okay.
Just real quick, we're going to get a good little pooch in here. Yeah, a little standard doggo. Got them floppy friendly ears, proof of mankind's domination of the species. He's a cutie pie.
How are you feeling about this, Adam? Do you approve? I like it.
I think the eyes are so beady and it makes him look a little dumb. I would like to make him look a little more intelligent. Okay. So more intelligence in the eyes.
And I think that is because like a lot of what people like about dogs is they're sort of too dumb to be judgy. No, no, dogs have emotional intelligence.
Oh, that's true. They're empathetic. Yeah. There you go. Oh, okay.
He can see deep into your heart. No, that eyebrows too scary.
Oh no. Okay. So we don't want this dog to be scary bad. No, no, intelligent. Okay. Yeah, there we go.
So here was my thinking of just a way to make dogs a little worse. A little worse, sure.
They got these nice sort of dog mouths. They got them muzzles. What if they just had like people teeth?
Nathan, this is like if Frasier was a cartoon and their dog could talk. That would be great. I would watch that show. Another fine mess. We're in Frasier. So Nathan, I love this beautiful mouth.
What about the nose though? Yeah, Adam, do you have any preference for a nose that really you think would be unpleasant on a dog? My first thought is beak unpleasant things. Yeah. We all don't suggestion a beak. A beak. So a beak and teeth.
That's a great combo. Yeah. Normally, it's one or the other. So here we go.
This really successfully makes the dog sharp in a lot of ways that you don't want a dog to be sharp. This is my beagle. This is a dog of prey you're building right now. Yeah. We are making the dog bad. We're also fucking optimizing this dog.
Yeah. So I guess it should have talents, right? Absolutely. The dog is kind of like bad ass now. It's transferred over into mythical territory. Okay. So that's got bad in the name. So that's kind of good. Yeah. It's interesting because things with beaks as a rule don't have teeth. Yeah. That's what I was saying. So I think it's too much now. Yeah. Is there one more form of tooth we can get in there somehow? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah.
It can have baleen like a blue whale. Nathan, give that dog a baleen.
I don't... Okay. That's what it looks like.
It's just sort of like they open their mouth real big. It's like they have super tall, very thin teeth, like combs. Like they have two very long combs coming from their top and bottom jaw that they use to filter out.
Brine shrimp. Oh, yep. You're on the right path. This dog is a filter feeder.
But he does still have the teeth. No, no, no. No teeth. He has baleen. Okay. So that's instead of the teeth. Yeah. I would say he's still got the top teeth, but the bottom row is fully baleen now.
I don't know if that's how that works, but it's like this, right? It's just sort of like a large... Yes, yes.
Baleen. That's baleen. Oh, that's a mean baleen.
I just wanted to get as many forms of mastication on this pup as possible, and we're at three now and I think that's really sweet. He swims through the ocean and he picks up brine shrimp. Okay, boy. Go get some shrimp.
I think these floppy ears, though, are still making this dog too lovable. Wouldn't those just be fins now? Yeah. So I think they're just fins. He's perfect.
He does look like Dobby and a hippogriff got into a Jeff Goldblum transporter machine, and I hate it. I just keep losing myself in the mouth trying to see which part is... which of the three jaws is the real jaw. I also think that if threatened, it could divide its jaw into three parts, like the vampires and blade two.
This dog needs a name. This dog does need a name.
How do you guys feel about Nash? Oh, I like Nash.
That's badass. Yeah. He's splashing up out of the water. Here he comes. This is Flipper for a new generation. Is it capable of flight, Nathan, or is that beak just totally out of nowhere? I think, you know, they look like they're flying under water.
Oh, absolutely. I've taken enough time. Yeah.
I want to mess up a dog too, please. Can you mess up a dog, please? I want to ruin a canine. I think I want to take a more extreme approach right up top.
You're not going to start with that bass pooch. No.
The only thing I am going to borrow is those extremely dead-looking human eyes. It's a good standard for making things unsettling.
I would say. Could you make them look like my mother's eyes? Oh, yes, absolutely. Thank you.
What color were your mother's eyes? Red. Now, your mother was a demon, so. But very loving. And how many eyes did your mother have?
Two and a half. Oh. Two and a half. I say half because one was lidless, and you could only see it if you closed your eyes.
Oh, sure. At which point it would stare right into your mind. One of those dream eyes. There you go. Absolutely.
That's mommy. I imagine it's constantly a flame. That's my mommy. Here she is. Oh, mommy. He's coming.
I miss you so. That's so sweet. A demon that loves their mom is just, it's refreshing, honestly. I'm getting some never-ending story vibe.
Yeah. Kind of a Falkor vibe, if you will. Should I give it maybe kind of like a scruffy chin, like a luck dragon would have? Yeah. Yeah, there we go. Okay.
I mean, this is pretty good. I'm not seeing anything bad about this dog. This seems like a mystical, a powerful dog. This isn't as much of a bad dog as it is a passable undertale OC at the moment.
You know what, Nathan? I'll just take it a step further in the direction you were headed, and I'm just going to go ahead and give it some human ears. How about that?
Okay. Good.
Those are the worst kind of ears. They're really miserable.
Now, it did take a turn into Rafiki country. Yeah, it looks like a little monkey.
All right. I think I'm going to just go ahead and continue on this dark path. Let's just go ahead and give it a human body, huh? Huh? Just like a person's body? Yeah, but like crouched like a dog. They should be nude. They are. Okay, great. So like this is a person playing dress up as a dog? I don't even think that. Oh, okay. I think that this is dog but spelled like D-O-H-G-G. You've accidentally created something that I think I've seen in like a medieval illuminated manuscript. Yeah. Yes.
This looks like very medieval Caldwell. That's what we've done here is this is what people thought dogs looked like before they discovered them. So we've got Nash, Nash and D-O-H-G. We've definitely ruined dogs visually.
Pretty good, I would say. But I think that like even ... So you think that dog is like a real jerk? Or maybe just like real two-faced? Two-faced like maybe he's wearing a baseball cap on his butt and then he has like a smile drawn on his butt so it looks like a face. I think absolutely. And we talked about baboons briefly before. So I do think I want to make it kind of like a big bright red butt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got a nice twist going.
Caldwell, nobody in the business does groin angles as good as you. You truly are the best in the business. I trained on a mountaintop for years to perfect this art. If I were him, I would stick a hot dog in my butt to be the nose.
Yep. That's what he does. That's a good bit. That's a fun, good bit. Yeah, exactly. There you go. It should probably be a higher up, huh?
And it's really good because it's diversionary when a predator comes is they get confused. They think that's the head and they instead bite dog in the butt. It really just looks like a little halfway out poopy. No, but he knows it's a hot dog. It's so good. I like dog better now. It's like, oh, dog's a jokester. Dog knows a good fun butt bit.
Why are you guys in hell again?
This is divine. All right. Listen, I'm going to have to interrupt you guys.
Turns out this is only an episode preview to watch the rest of the episode. You got to go to dropout.tv and sign up for dropout. Oh, dropout.tv.
I've heard of that. Yeah.
It's a new original video streaming service with original shows and comics and text chats. Wait, our torment is just entertainment? I mean, it's also an engaging and hilarious weekly showcase of your creative talents. I use my form of deception.
Come on, boy. Go get it. Wait a minute. Something isn't right. |
dropout | mcdonald_s_catan | America's favorite sweepstakes, based on an award-winning Klaus Tauber German board game, is back at McDonald's! Come in and play Settlers of Catan! What?
Oh my god, it's wood! Is wood good? Wood's great!
Yes! Now you're just a sheep, a wheat, and a brick away from building a new settlement! And then we win? Not quite! To win, you'll need 10 victory points! Settlements are worth 1 point and cities are worth 2! What's a city? Right, cities!
To build a city, you need to collect 3 rocks and 2 wheats! Did you say 3 wheats and 2 rocks or 2 rocks and 3 wheats? I said 3 rocks and 2 wheats! Well, all I've got is rocks!
Oh, that's another thing! If you have a 4-of-a-kind, you can trade it in and participate in McDonald's for the resource of your choice! Okay, I think I've got it! Is that everything? Not even close! Now there's also something called the Robber! If the Robber comes up and you've collected more than 7 game pieces, please return to the nearest McDonald's and return half of your pieces, rounded down! What if we have exactly 7? I said more than 7, so 7 would actually be okay!
I just feel like Monopoly's a lot simpler. Maybe we should play Monopoly! Monopoly? That game is a space where you add up everything you own and figure out what 15% of that number is. When was the last time you actually finished a game of Monopoly? That's true. Oh, I guess we'll just figure it out as we go!
I win! I won! |
SaturdayNightLive | american_girl_doll_movie_trailer_snl | People can't stop talking about the trailer for their new Barbie movie, But not all dolls live in a dream house. some are bigger, younger, sadder. some dolls are American girls. Hi, Kirsten. hi, Molly. hi, Samantha. hi, Josefina. hi, Q. And I'm Addie. no one said hi to me. this summer, a new live-action story about your favorite historically accurate dolls, each with their own harrowing backstory.
I'm a bitchy orphan from Victorian times. I watch my parents die in a boat. That's okay. my best friend, Marta, died of Cholera. that's okay. my daddy's a prisoner of war. And tragically, I have glasses. That's okay. my mama is dead. we bury her in the church graveyard. That's okay. I don't know my birthday because I'm a runaway slave.
Let's play. Yay! do they have pink corvettes? Nope. boyfriends, no way. Did all their family members die of vague old-timey diseases? Absolutely.
Fashion Show. Come for the fun. stay for the overburdened pretees, wearing four layers of petticoats and pantaloons.
What's wrong, Josefina? you've barely touched your teeth. the memory of my mama is slipping away. Look what I can do. that's not fair. audiences are raving. we loved it, says girls who played soccer magazine. The New York Times writes, these little girls are going through too much. what do you say, girls? should we have a sleepover tonight? Yay! what about you, Addie? I'm good. I don't trust none of y'all. watch as the American girls travel on a journey from American girl land to the modern world.
I'm going to stop World War Ii. And I'm going to stop the Spanish-american War. And I'm going to end Cholera. |
SaturdayNightLive | saturday_night_live_summer_songs_snl | We got to get that out of there! And we march! And we march up and down the street, looking for sales.
Kllu She's gays of days. it's the month of almost June. that means pride is around the corner. But last year, pride didn't happen, so now we're making up for lost time. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. pride is a celebration, Yeah, that's what it's about. last year we couldn't meet up, but this time it's allowed. with my queer friends and allies, now it's time to go out. Ooh, ooh, we get to do it all again. now we're out on the floor, but I don't see my crush. he's not texting me back, well, I'll just brush it off. I have a mental breakdown, make my friends take care of me, and I think, whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pride again. we've been waiting so long. it's pride again. for so much to go long. it's pride again. Santa Come, but for queers. this is our state that ain't staying. acting sloppy because we're gay. who cares about him? you're so cool and so funny. I don't want to be funny, I want to be hot. it's our first pride together. and it's also our last. Because even for lesbians, we moved in way too fast. But we're still hosting a gay brunch. And flying eggs got us hot. ooh, ooh. tonight we'll break up again. Well, they go flirt with that girl. man, I tried, but she's straight. Well, then how about her friend? she is also a straight. when did all these straight girls start dressing lesbian? then we go Woo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pride again. it's inclusive and it's great. it's pride again. But who let in all these straight? it's pride again. gender is just close. let's go eat some chick-fil-a. nothing matters anyway. wait, wait, no, we're not eating chick-fil-a. they're homophobic. Ok, now that is such a neoliberal notion to equate individual responsibility with collectivist politics.
Terrence, don't talk like you read theory. you don't read theory. I read theory, sis. Yes, I read theory. What theory do you read? podcasts? Terrence, that is Not theory.
Well, you work at Georgia Bank. you're Georgia Bank, bitch. Oh, guys, I miss this. I know. time for the parade, y'all. let's get messy. we hot doing gay fights, doing gay rights. post-holo close friends, post-holo Main. post-holo for the cracks where you can't be gay. marching peaches in their harvey Milk. they paved the way for you to shake and fill. Stonewall was to kick you when they threw the ribs. they fought for your right to be this chaotic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's hard again. we're so sunburned and mad. and we love it. $50 drinks that are bad. but we missed it. but overwhelmed, but I love it. we're just happy that we're queer and can do this every year. wait. do we have a Deutsche Bank float? socks. it's Friday, dad. well, summer is just around the corner. here to promote their outdoor summer concert series is musical duo, Garth and Kat.
Hi. Hi, we're here. sorry we're late. we literally just woke up. kind of late for a nap, isn't it? we sleep 20 hours a night. Well, for a second, I thought you forgot you were coming here again.
What? no way, no way, no way. No, we have been looking forward to this for a whole while. And we are prepared. Ok, so what can people expect from your summer concert series? Summer Music. songs about summer, time. it's all pre-written. it's all pre-written with verses and choruses and endings. That's great. that sounds great. So why don't you two give us a little sample? of course, that's absolutely true. this one will be a classic. I think. Oh, yeah.
And let us play some volleyball on your bitch. on your bitch. let us play some volleyball on your bitch. But don't call me a police. let us play some volleyball. and kick us off the beach. But man, there's an incredible people out there. they better get off out of that bitch.
Ok, so stop, stop, stop, stop. No. stop. stop. that was not written. you know it. you just made that up. Gotcha. We gotcha. gooping around. gooping. your face was priceless. you were like, what? hold on a minute. hold on a minute, you guys, stop.
Well, this next one is a real song. And it was actually composed by a very famous songwriter.
Oh, great. Who?
Glenn Catrulsed. Now, he wrote this one.
And it's called the Lobster and Crab Blues all over the place. Lobster and Crab Blues. Hello. Hello. it's the Lobster and Crab Blues.
Oh, yeah, it's a bird. Na, na, na, na, na. Oh, I'm going to get that out of there. Na, na, na, Na.
And we marched up and down those streets looking for sales.
Who the Whoops? And Who the Whoops? Who the Whoops?
Who the Whoops? like a fat face? Like a fat face?
Ok, hold on. I'm going to stop you guys. I'm going to stop you guys before you say, like, the 50s again.
Do you guys even have concerts coming up? Yeah, we do, actually. we do. we're performing. And we're going to be performing at the Arena. for the Catholic Theater of Summer fun and playground time in the park. the arena for the Amphitheater of Summer fun and playground. Hey.
Oh, don't tell me. once again, and do not take this the wrong way, once again, you guys did not prepare anything. it is an embarrassment to me. You're embarrassed? I'm embarrassed by you.
Why are you even here? Because we were trying to make it, Seth. we are begging you, sir. we came all the way from Epcot. I thought you just woke up. we were sleep driving.
Just don't tell us who it is. we'll just let us sing one more. 20 more. No, one. one more. Ok, thank you. And this one actually has music. Yes.
Hit it. when the sun is shining on your shoulders, and the birds are chipping in the sky. Oh, I love you. it's going to be a time to count Two buggies. Two buggies. Where did they go? I'm going to count them, buggies. they're going to move in. they're going right over there.
And who's driving? who's driving? it's me, Sir. bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. who's driving? And so I pulled up my pants, and I said, i'll see you at work. President's in. Once again, we are the Tres Henderson Trio.
So glad that you joined our big kickoff to summer celebration. we got a hot show to get back to, but before we do, my allergies are exploding. can I ask if anyone has a little bit of nasonex in their purse? just a little squirt of nasonex? maybe the tiniest pump of nasonex. It would really get me through this experience. I'll put a condom on the nasal insert so it doesn't get infected. Can I get that squirt? Am I speaking clearly? I have asked for Nasonex at least 11 times. Nasonex? no? nobody has it, Tres.
Okay, fine. Tweedle de Roll, Tweedle de Bun, tune. We'll eat hamburgers in the summer sun. All right, let's meet the band. on keyboards, it's Brad.
Dates, and his last name is Dates, but he hasn't had one in 60 years. I've been married for 10, Tres.
Hey, this is just show pattern, I don't know. Also here tonight, it's Helen. I'm Helen. I don't play an instrument. I'm just here to dance. Well, we love how it helps out the band. And finally, on harmonica, it's my roommate and landlord, Cassie Marie. Watch me blow this.
Cassie, Yes! Yes, that was fire, Cassie Marie.
I thought you'd be phoning it in tonight, considering the state I found you in this morning. Oh, no, that's between us, Tres. I told you, everything's fine. Well, you were crying pretty hard in the car. Okay, Tres, I don't want to talk about that here. my tears are my business. yeah, boundaries, Tres. But I care about her emotional stance. Tres, zip it. Okay, fine. Summer, Tres, Vacation, Yes! put on a thong and spread all of your somber za-a-s.
Why? Aah! All right, how is everybody doing tonight? How about you, lovely couple? Oh, we're not a couple.
I'm gay, and she's my sidekick. Whoa! Yes, and the Spirit World is telling me that your harmonica player is hiding something from you. I knew it! Feel the beans, Cassie-marie.
Oh, there ain't nothing to spill, and there's no such thing as psychics. it's someone with an R name. What? So there is an R in your life? Is it R. Kelly? Stay clear! It Is Not R. Kelly!
Well, that's good news. Tweedle Dee Hot, no kids in school. I want to make friends with somebody who has a boo. Tres, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but Cassie is about to receive a Nestcam alert. Oh, my goodness.
Pull out your phone. Grace, you're killing the vibe. Just do it! it's your Nestcam. there's someone in your front yard. She was right again. you two Get out of here with your devil business. Oh, no, I paid $4 for both of these seats. we're not going anywhere, Honey. who is that in your yard?
He's wearing a t-shirt that says, Ronald. that's an R name. Yes, it's my ex, Ronald.
Well, that explains the T. Wait, what's he doing now? he's in the closet bedroom. Yes. What? But that's my closet bedroom. that's where I put my fashion wear. he must think they're mine. he's going to burn them to get me back for dumping it. Oh, no. he has my Bottega-vinetti fattipack to burn that. knock off, geez. No, you shut up. Trace, it's just clothes. you're just clothes. And your ex-boyfriend is about to angel a bass in my Bottega-vinetti and set it on fire and then just walk away and snap. Now, you call him and tell him to stop. Okay, just for you, Trace. Hello, Ronald. what did you say to me?
No, you're garbage. I don't care. Burn every piece of clothing in that room if you want. No! that was not the plan. I'm sorry, Trace. I'll buy you all new stuff tomorrow. you can't. you're poorer than me. never take a banana out. tweed on the hot yard full of bugs. I'm cutting you off from all of my summer bugs. No!
Yes! And now with a song for the summer is Weekend Update Correspondent Adam Sandler. Adam? Well, thank you. Summer for me, growing up always meant one thing. falling in Love. And as we all know, love doesn't always work out. But what keeps us going is the hope that someday it will. here's a little song about that. Whoo!
Summer of 68. we'd walk on the beach and watch the seagulls fly. sunlight in her hair. her eyes were bluer than the summer sky. she'd hold me in her arms and tell me everything would be all right. But why'd she have to be my mother? why'd she have to be married to my Dad? why'd she have to be my mother? We could have been so much more, but she said it was best if we were just friends. Oh, Summer Love. Summer of 71. my second love. we met on the field behind the school. we used to play all the day in the sun. no one ever made me feel that cool. I'll never forget the way. she looked in those silky shorts that day.
Why'd she have to be my gym teacher? Why'd she have to be 51 years old? Why'd she have to be my gym teacher? I said I wanted to play flag football with her forever, but she told me I should see the school psychologist.
Oh, Summer Love. in 1981, I fell for Princess Di. in 82, it was a lady Rabbi. in 83, it was the drummer from Air Supply. he told me he loved me. he told me I loved. Summer Love. Summer of 94 is coming fast, and I don't want to spend it alone.
I made some mistakes when I was young, but I'm going to put them behind me and pick up the phone and call the woman who I should have been going out with all along. I'm gonna go out with my mother. I know what I said before, but I think I can talk her into it now. I'm gonna go out with my mother. I'll take her on a date to Burger King, and this time I'll pay.
Oh, Summer Love. have a good summer, everybody. |
dropout | celebrity_horse_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show. We take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings.
I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
Guys, today, we're drawing celebrity horses. Our boy Jasper Merrill demanded it. And who are we to say no? Like, uh, like Mr. Ed was a celebrity horse. No, we're taking it a step further. Oh, okay.
We're combining celebrities and horses. We got celebrities. Like, people celebrities. Yes. Like, human celebrities.
Uh-huh. Yeah, not, don't, they get your mind away from animal celebrities. Forget about those. Like, uh. Don't even, don't even worry about it.
We're, we're fusing, uh, we're making the most beautiful animal. Like, the horse from, uh, from Black Beauty. Yeah, the most beautiful animal and the most beautiful, uh, type of person. The type of person. The celebrity. We're fusing them together to create a perfect being.
It's gonna be so majestic. It's gonna be majestic as hell. It's gonna be hella majestic. Um, and you're gonna love it. You're gonna love what happens here.
So, Caldwell's just drawing us a nice, nice little horse frame. Oh, no, getting a nice little horse there. Which, horses. Building those muscles. Horses are, we are weird looking animals.
They are no good. They don't make any sense. Well, like, they've got these feet that, that are like, I think it's like, God took a day off is basically what happened.
He wanted to make, he wanted to make fast dogs. Yeah. He's like, uh-huh. He's like, how do I make, how do I make the fastest dog? He's like, dogs are pretty cool, but, uh.
They, they are too slow. I want to make them bigger, faster, and, uh, and dumb looking.
So, we're gonna stretch out the face. We're gonna give them, like, like, hard stuff on their feet. Yeah, gotta get the hard stuff on there. That's important. And, uh, just, like, knob them up. Knob up the joints. Just make them all extra knob, nobular.
And, and don't, and don't forget just, like, this big, just fleshy tube in the middle. Oh, gotta, gotta keep that fleshy tube. Just this big, muscular, um, roll of dough that is a horse.
God, they're so weird. They're, they're strange.
I'm doing my best to actually try and draw one. Colville is, Colville is drawing this, this tangle of limbs.
It's just everywhere. Like, every part of it doesn't make any sense.
Right. It's like, that, that joint goes that way, but then there's just, like, a bulge. Yeah. They just got, they just got real bulgy parts, right? I think, I think they come in. It's like, oh, I shouldn't make that touch the ground. To the body.
I think it's like, um, it's like you took, like, a normal thing. Again, you took, like, a dog's, or not a dog, even a dog's egg. You took, like, you know, some.
Like, a bird leg, and you just made it super beefy. You made it extra meaty. And then you just destroyed it. Like, just beat the shit out of it. Renaissance fair turkey leg. Uh-huh. And then you just ruined it. But then you just put it, put it right on the end of, like, a sausage animal.
I don't understand it at all. No one does, actually.
Modern science has, uh, has found no answers to what a horse is. Horses, yeah. No one knows what horses are, what they're here for, what they want.
Um, but, uh, you know. They can't, can we make a horse? Only they could communicate with us. They're built perfectly to be ridden. Mm-hmm. Which is, uh, convenient for us. Can you, I will, do you think that, um, horse, you know. Yeah. Make that part real.
You know that, like, horse cops? Do I know horse cops? Like, no, like, not personally. Like, the, like, the, the guys who ride on top of the horses? No, I meant the actual horses. The horses themselves that have become cops.
Mm-hmm. By some dark science.
Sure. Uh, do you think, are they allowed to arrest people? I, I mean, if, if they're, if they see a crime in progress, I think. But, like. They have to read them their Miranda rights.
But how would they do that? Do they have, like, a little sign or something? Do they, do they, like, clop it on the ground using Morse code or something like that? They use, um, they use horse code.
Oh my god. It all makes sense. Every. Can't say. They've been trying to communicate with us this whole time. Can't say Morse, it's, it's, it's actually horse code. Uh-huh. Okay. It's, uh, it's one, one means yes and two means no. Yeah. I. And, uh, you can actually communicate all, uh, all of the English language just in a series of, of yeses and noes.
Do you think that, um, like, that there was, like, two scientists, like, there was Morse and then, like, his brother was working on horse code. Uh, and, like, Morse got all the credit because his, you know, like, was very useful for a war effort. But, like, the horse code guy, like, that's a humanitarian thing. If it was his brother, then it would, it would be also be, still be Morse code. Right. Morse code. Exactly. Morse's horse code. I think that he was the true hero. He was Morse and his horse, actually. Jesus Christ. His horse brother.
All right. Do you want to get in here and draw? That looks pretty horse-like. It's a horsey. Get in there and draw. That's a horsey? Get in there and draw. All right.
Well, uh, we're drawing celebrities. Who are you going to draw for us? Uh, I'm going to draw, uh, only the most famous and expendable of all the horse celebrities, Sylvester Stallion.
Oh my goodness. This is going to be a real, this is going to be a treat. So, number one. It's going to be, like, kind of rearing, rearing up. Oh, yeah. That's going to be majestic. They got, they got these dumb, thick necks. Yeah.
But that's actually, uh, that's actually easier for drawing Sylvester because I think his neck is actually... He does have a horse's neck. He has a horse's neck. Uh-huh. A horse's neck. He's got a horse's neck and just, like...
Uh, a wizard cursed me. He's got, like, a big ol' head. Oh, wow. Yeah. And he's kind of like, you just... flattened a horse's face into, like, a man shape.
So, I'm not even going to try and, like, combine horse elements with his head. No. I'm just going to draw.
So, you think this is, like, some sort of dark, dark ritual that he was cursed to be this? He wasn't born this way. He's just got, like, such a lumpy, lumpy face. It's full of lumps. He's got, like, one nostril over here.
You gotta get those, the eyebrows are really... These guys, they're so arched. They're so poised.
He's got, like... His mouth goes, like... It's tricky, because, like, his face defies symmetric logic. Right. There's just lump... There's uncharted lumps, left and right. You really go, oh, wow. I just saw... You dialed those lips in, so right. Oh, man. This is, like... This is, like, what he looks like now.
You know, this isn't... This isn't Yung-Sai. No. Yung-Sai was a little less puffy in the face. Little less puffy, also not a horse. Also not a horse. Uh-huh. This is... Puffy-er a horse, too.
That's, like, you know, like the way to tell them apart, I think. We're gonna send this to him when we finish. We're number one Sylvester Stallone fans. Yeah. We're gonna be like, hey, Sylvester.
I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and even better Christmas. Here's a drawing of you as a beautiful strong horse. We love you.
Can't wait for that. That's gonna be a hot, hot, hot summer film to check out. Oh, man. Look at this. Look at this puffy pugilist. Now, I'm just picturing all of his movies, but with him as a horse, and it's a real treat for me in my brain.
Instead of over the top, it's over the clop. Boom! Instead of cliffhanger, it's Cliffhorser.
Okay. Probably be the best title. I don't think we need to dwell any more on that. Yeah, that's probably...
Rocky would be Rocky, but a horse. As a horse. Rocking horse.
God damn it. You're on point today. I'm trying to make jokes, and you're just here, like, spinning gold from my fucking hay mouth while you draw on top of that. This is really great, man. Like, you're really... You're just navigating the crags of his face like an expert climber. Yeah, it's...
I'm using cartography. You can't use portraiture to draw Sylvester Stallone. You have to use any cartography training that you have, because his face is a lot more topographical than it is.
Yeah. You're like a bat. You're using echolocation to map it. So it's so majestic. Can you imagine if you're just like... You were out in the American Midwest, like one starry night, and then you see in the distance, you see just a beautiful Sylvester Stallone galloping across the field. Yeah. And you see its face, and you're like, wait a second. You check your map. It's the same. And you've just been...
He gallops up to you. He's like, you want to ride. Yeah, you want to ride.
And then he takes you to his personal movie theater, and you watch his favorite films. And it's a real fun night. Mel Gibson comes over, and it's a little awkward. Mel Gibson, of course, still a human in this instance, I guess. He wasn't there for the wizard's curse that made Sylvester Stallone into a horse.
Yeah. I think Sylvester Stallone probably asked... It was like... Yeah. It was tricked. Oh, was it like... You mean I could have a youthful body? Yeah.
Are you going to be as healthy as a horse? I'll be as healthy as a horse.
It's the plot of... I believe I fell for that. It's the plot of Brave. Yeah. It's just the plot of Brave.
But with a horse.
Let's get this. That's great. And then he's got like... I love that man. This is great. Oh, you're going to give him some ears, too. Give him some horse ears, though. Yeah.
Because why not? This is like that scene in Pinocchio. Where they turn into donkeys. For no reason.
That's terrifying. They go to Donkey Island. That's a terrifying scene. Yeah, they go to Donkey Island.
Where is it? It's like a...
It's Pleasure Island.
It's like they get tricked by What's His Face. That conniving man whose name I can't recall. Stromboli? That sounds vaguely racist enough to work. Was it Stromboli? I think it might have been Stromboli. But they get tricked.
Does he... I haven't seen that movie in forever. Does he know that if you go to the island for long enough, you turn into a donkey? And how does he know that? How did he figure that out? What logic pervades this scenario, if any?
Do cigars play? I remember them smoking cigars and eating donuts.
Yeah, they're behaving as... As asses. So nothing about this seems pleasurable, though. Is that the deal?
You're going to have a great time, but you're also going to turn into a donkey. Yeah, you don't know you're going to turn into a donkey.
It's billed as just you go there to have a good time. I feel like I would... I'm so sorry, Sylvester Stallone, by the way. I messed up your face even worse. I would go to Pleasure Island if I had a contract for what's going to happen to me there. If I'm going to have a good weekend. Yeah, I'd go.
I'd turn into a donkey. Then you just jump into water and you're not a donkey anymore.
I think that's how it works. I'm just going to need to beef this horse up even more because it is the Stallone. So he's going to have a six pack. Right. Again. He's going to have his horse six pack. That was the deal of The Wizard's Curse is that he's healthy. He's a horse, but still old man Stallone.
Oh, wow. You got some shading in there? Really dial it in? Yeah. Sylvester Stallone with horse ears is not good looking. No. Something about his regular ears are like they make him... Wow.
I am so sorry. That's awful.
I think it's perfect. Okay. Well, that's what Sylvester Stallone looks like.
Wait. I'm going to make him gallop. What are you going to do? Oh, you're going to extend that a little bit. Yeah, we're going to make him horse him up a little. Oh, yeah. So we're just going to... Can you horse that up, please? We're just going to move that here. Oh, no. Nathan. Nathan, please. And we're just going to...
No. There you go. Why didn't you do? No.
Now he's a horse. How long have you been recording for? Too long.
I think that might be it. I think that might be the episode.
We only got to draw one celebrity horse. But we made it a good one. But, you know, what were some of... We brainstormed a bunch of celebrity horse. Oh, yeah.
Well, I think we had Sintarnold Schwarzenegger. Sintarnold Schwarzenegger.
We had Pony Danza. Pony Danza.
Oh, George Clunicorn. George Clunicorn.
Yeah, if you guys... Make this guy. We'll make him a unicorn. Oh, please. Because we didn't have time to draw George Clunicorn. And like, you know, to see a creature as rare as this, it would have to be unicorn.
Yeah, guys, if you have suggestions better than this for things for us to draw, I'll please leave them in the comments. Yeah, pretty please give us some suggestions. Not just this was stupid. Why did I waste my time watching it? That is less of a suggestion and more of a critique. Equally. We appreciate those, though. You know, it's like you spent the time to watch it and you didn't like it. So may as well take the extra time to leave a comment too. Good suggestions are fun, creative things would be cool for us to draw.
Bad suggestions are things involving stereotypes or sexual preference. Either of those are not good. Not the best.
Guys, be sure to subscribe to our channel. It's youtube.com backslash Drawfee.
We're gonna go think about this horse all night. I hope you have a good night. Popping on. Hey, Sylvester, what are we? How do we end the show? What do we always say? We're sorry.
Hey, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
Thank you guys for watching our video. If you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel, please click here. And if you want to watch more videos on this channel, you can click right here. And if you want to stop this whole miserable charade, just click that little X in the corner. Thanks for watching.
We're sorry. |
dropout | jake_amir_who_knows_who_better_live | Hello, welcome to Who Knows Who Better Live. I am your host, Siobhan Thompson, and I'm here with Jake and Amir, who have very bravely crawled out of bed on this terrible week, to join us for a very stupid game show.
We're happy. Everybody's so happy right now. Happy now.
So the game is very simple. I'm gonna ask them each questions about the other one. They will answer if they get the question right. They will get a point. If they don't, they will not get a point. It's easy, you'll figure it out.
It doesn't really matter, we're just having fun. Nothing matters.
The world is burning. All right, let's do it. Call me. His number is four, four, three. That's it. Great. Text four, four, three. So, I'm gonna start asking questions. Oh, okay. Who's first? Let's go Jake first. Yes.
What is Amir's favorite reality show of all time? Wow. My favorite reality show of all time.
I'm not sure you know, but I do. Yeah, I'm not sure if I know either.
Which one did I get the most? No matter what happens, if I get this one wrong, Amir's gonna look at my answer and say, oh, that was the right answer. Well, it should be cool if we go instead to write trick answer.
All right, ready? Three, two, one. Wow. Oh, that's good, yeah. Yeah.
He said basketball. That's not a reality show. But to me, it kind of is, just because it's like, yeah, okay, so I don't get a point, even though Amir, he was right and I was wrong. So, he knows me better than I know myself. Do you want to give him a point? Yeah, let's give him a point. Great. Because Hard Knocks is correct. And NBA isn't a reality show. So, if we can do non-answers, then what's the...
Everything is fake. Well, I find this to be rigged. I find this to be rigged against me.
We didn't know I'm winning. We didn't know you're winning. Yeah, it's still rigged. We didn't say who we're playing for. Oh, yeah, tell them who you're playing for.
Charity. Great.
Our podcast network. It's a non-profit, so far, because not enough people are listening to it. Our podcast is on, and then a lot of our funny family friends. And one of your podcasts is on there, too.
Oh, yeah. That's right.
So, if you need more content, go to Headgum.com. Everybody needs more podcasts. That's the slogan of our network. Everybody needs more podcasts. Not enough podcasts.
And I'm playing for the NRDC. So, two different. Two different equals. I'm playing for the NRDC. So, two different. Two different equally important groups, like the police and the judiciary.
That's right. Exactly. Okay.
Amir, what annoys Jake the most about you? About me? Yeah. What do you do that he finds most annoying? Oh, wow. What do I do that annoys Jake the most?
How long can my answer be? Artinoxia. Mine says NBA. Are you trying to get a sneak peek? This is? That's very specific. I like the stuff you visit to you. Are you ready?
Yeah. Three, two, one. Oh, that's really close. Oh, shit. I think I get that. Yeah, I like it too. Yeah, I think so.
Especially because I almost wrote cards, but then I didn't because I can't be too much of a hypocrite since I farted in his car all the time. That's why I specified in cards. He doesn't mind if I fart in general.
Just in closed spaces. Closed spaces?
Yeah. That was good. Great.
That was a fun moment. We can still have fun.
Yeah. For a second, I forgot. Okay. Maybe we can reconcile with... No, just kidding. Okay.
Jake, what are Amir's parents' first names?
Oh, we should just skip this one. This is... First of all, obvious.
Do you know?
Second of all, I feel a little weird writing their names on this livestream. Oh. Wow.
You don't want to out your parents. He definitely knows my parents name.
I know their first time on the same screen.
Do I just get a point? What about ages? All right. Ooh, that's pretty good. All right. Yeah, ages. Yeah, ages is good. Okay. So do mom, age, dad, age.
Yeah. Okay. Am I allowed to swear on this? Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah.
We're all adults here. I wonder if I'm right. I wonder if I'm doing the math. Well, I definitely didn't get this one. But let's see.
Ready? Three, two, one. Nice. Ha, 69. I really did think that. Close. Yeah.
But not quite the cigar. Not quite.
All right. It's good to not get a point. Okay. Excuse me, honest. No, I want more than ever. Okay.
I mean, if Jake had a dog, what would he name it? Mmm. If Jake... See, I don't know if Jake even knows the answer, but...
Yes, I do. It's my dad's name. Really? Mm-hmm. Great name. I just added my dad's name on the livestream.
Oh, no! Now he knows. Now he's not going to...
Her dad's name is Sparky, by the way. Twinkles. That's true. Paul is the correct answer.
That's a lie.
You wouldn't name it Paul. I really might name it Paul. It was a boy.
It should really have two syllables, otherwise it gets confused with common commands like sit, stand. Oh, really? I heard that dogs don't learn past one syllable. I guess that's where we disagree the most.
All right. Jake, what would a mere take with him to a desert island? I don't know why you're on a desert island. Oh. You get to choose a thing to take to this desert island. You want your shipwrecked there. Oh, I see.
But you're on your own. You get to bring one thing. One thing. What is the one thing that you bring?
I have the right answer. I already know.
Here's Mophie. What is a Mophie? That's my charging case. That wouldn't do me any good without my phone. Well, your phone would be. I just wanted to make fun of your Mophie.
That's our other sponsor for this. Ice would allow me to store fish and fruit for a couple more days and ensuring my survival on the desert island. Yeah? Okay.
You don't think the ice would just melt immediately on the desert island? Not with a lot of ice. I would put the ice around other ice and then it would stay cold forever. Just feel like that ice would be melted on, I mean, midday by day one.
And then what have you done? You just brought a big bucket of water. Next question. All right.
And Mia, what is Jake's most irrational fear? Not his biggest fear, but his most irrational.
Oh. Oh, geez. How do you spell spiders? S-Y-D-D.
This is good content, right? I'm drawing. You ready?
Yep. All right. I have three answers. That's not fair. Hopefully to God he said all three. All right.
Cockroaches. Oh, that's good. I said live crabs because he was scared of handling those. That's cockroaches of the sea.
And then I said, or eating on a date. Oh, yeah. That's not an irrational fear. That's based in reality. Wait. You want to eat on a date? But at what point do you start eating around people? After I say I love you, then I've got to write. So never. Yeah. The wedding cake is the first meal they share. Right. And then I said, or a clutter. Oh, yeah.
But yeah, I'm not afraid of clutter. I just don't even deal with it because I won't. All right.
Cockroaches. Cockroaches are very scary. Crabs are pretty good. I found out recently that I was allergic to cockroaches.
And I was like, that's not bad. But also, it's not going to change my relationship to cockroaches. It's fine. Yeah. Now I need to really stay away from them. What happens if you touch a cockroach? You break that in huts or something? Yeah. Something like that. But when am I going to do that? Yeah, I guess not. I was already very, very carefully avoiding cockroaches. But then what if you wake up and you have a little rash or something? And I'm like, oh, it's going to make. Yeah.
Once I ate a bunch of bee houses and I broke out in huts. You mean honey cubs? Fuck. No, I didn't mean how to go. I meant huts. You really did, Elliot. But don't put it in your head. You should have asked somebody what bee houses were called. You know, one time I ate a herd of bees and I broke out in huts.
It's a swarm. So it's a swarm of bees? And what's a hive? A hive is the bee. It is the hive.
It is the house. Or a nest. Anyway, I think you eat honeycombs though. All right, whatever.
Jake, who would a Mia cast to play himself in a movie? As in which celebrity do I look like or who do I want to play me?
I mean, I think that, yes. Okay, either one. Right.
Like in your dream world, who would you have? My dream world? Oh, dream world.
See, that's... This is hard. I don't really like this one. Sorry. Were you writing Chris Midsplass? No. That would be a good one. That's all I wrote either. What'd you write that you didn't like? Jesse Eisenberg.
That's good too. What do we play too? 100. 4 p.m. Yeah. You just keep on playing until somebody else is present. Eight skeletons in a room. That's not the same answer. All right. I was gonna say best choice. Oh, that's a good one. That would be a good one. Yeah. How do I not get points for getting the better answer? Yeah, now we're just playing fun little mad lips. Yeah.
But I don't think Ben would be good at playing me. Ben could play anything.
Anyway. You're just reading a recipe. Yeah. Jake. Oh, no, wait. Amir, what would Jake request as a last meal? Oh.
You killed someone. It was real bad. You got caught. You're in jail.
You're gonna swing tomorrow. What you gonna eat?
Easy, huh? Yeah. Annie's macaroni. Oh. Yeah, dude.
I love Annie's mac and cheese. Shout out to Annie's. They once sent me some swag, so please do that again. Annie's mac and cheese is good as hell.
Yeah. And that gluten-free mac and cheese is also excellent. Really? This is not sponsored by Annie's mac and cheese. But it should be. We just said.
Next episode, I'm hearing an Annie's bunny costume. And Headgum takes the lead over, which one are you saying? The natural resource defense move, you asshole. Jake, what would Amir buy if he won the lottery?
One big. Not like, oh, you won $10. $140 million. Yeah. Like, oh, it's big. Oh, wait. How much money? How much money are we doing? Yeah. Look, I think $140 million is a good round number. Okay. How blue can we get? It's fine. Let me guess.
This one's very PG. That's a lot. That's a good basketball team. No, that's pretty good.
You're not doing very big. $140 million? That's a- how much does a basketball team cost? You could buy half of the bucks for probably $150 million. I don't think you would see that, man. Maybe, like, a shitty basketball team, and then you have a money bow.
I've asked you what you would buy if you were rich and you literally said a Tesla This is and you didn't say jack shit about the box I'm a part of any best Alright, I'm gonna I'm looking for a good Final question. Oh what final question? I didn't I didn't choose to catch up And then I'll do a double question where you both have to answer Okay, I Really don't want to lose.
Okay Jake what is a mayor's favorite movie sequel? Not the first movie See what the sequel? Oh You know what I was thinking the other day like is there a movie that has only had a sequel but not a third Addams family, I guess that was like a weird Knock off one with bad different actors Yeah This one's pretty easy.
By the way, you the one you got, right? Wasn't really correct. I didn't write hard knocks. So like I think we should eliminate.
Oh, come on It's comedy obviously If you're listening out there, I'd like to know the name of the most popular sequel that never got a third installment. Yeah, it's kind of a weird Specific trivia first favorite sequel Again head gun podcast network.
Never can't stress this enough our shows on there Shows on there. We have lots of great something for everybody.
I think I Think this one will be obvious when I turn it around. Yeah, I'm just Wow, so long is actually what we're gonna say to take when he loses too, so I don't think that's how you spell it Holy shit Terminator 2 Great movie All right, well, we're one to two right now I'm gonna do this as a tie-breaker question Uh, let's draw a line in the middle of each of your boards. Okay, so you answer it up top or oh People can't read pregnancy tests So Answer up top and then say the other person's in the Underneath okay, so I'm already confused as to how we'll figure this out. We'll figure it out.
Yeah, what kind of animal? Would the other person like to be reincarnated as when they die? If reincarnation is the thing we're making a lot of so my answer is on the top Your answer is on the top and your answer to his is on the animal is on the bottom. All right And then what I think Jake wants to be is on the bottom. Yeah, and what I think Amir wants to do Yeah, not what I think he is. No, what do you want?
Oh So I got yours damn it No, you got mine. Oh, and I didn't get yours. Yeah. Oh, hell. Yeah. Does that mean I get one? Which means Thank you guys so much for having us yeah, congratulations, thank you for playing are you in nothing?
Oh I'm gonna read all these comments later. So make sure to leave really good ones, especially about the sequel Oh, can I ask them to follow me on snapchat? Yeah Follow me on snapchat. My name is Amir bloom bl o o n buddy.
You're rolls on snapchat 33 Happens if you touch a cockroach you break that in hot yeah something like that, but what am I gonna do that? Yeah, I was already very very carefully avoiding What he like wake up and you have like a little like a rash or something You know once I ate a bunch of like bee houses and I broke out in You should have asked somebody what the houses were you know one time I ate a herd of bees and I broke out in hides It's a swarm Then what's a hive? Or a nest anyway, I think you eat honeycombs though.
All right, whatever Jake who would a Mia cast to play himself in a movie? As in which celebrity do I look like or who do I want to play me? I mean I think that Yes, okay either one, right? I Like if in your dream world, who would you have my dream world?
This is hard, I don't really like this one. Sorry. Were you writing Chris mitts plus? No, that would be a good one Would you write that you didn't like Jesse Eisenberg, that's good, too. What do we play to? 4 p.m. Yeah, you just keep on playing until somebody else's skeletons in a room I Was gonna say oh, that's a good one. Yeah, how do I not get points for getting the better answer? Yeah, now we're just playing fun little mad lips. Yeah, but I don't think Ben would be good at playing me That could play anything anyway You're just reading a recipe.
Yeah Jake oh No, wait Amir. What would Jake request as a last meal? Killed someone it was real bad. You got caught you're in jail You're gonna swing tomorrow what you're gonna eat Shout out to Annie's they won't send me some swag So please do that again Annie's mac and cheese is good as hell and then gluten-free mac and cheese is also excellent This is not sponsored by Annie's mac and cheese, but it should be Next episode I'm hearing an Annie's bunny And head gum takes the lead The natural resource defense You asshole Jake what would Amir buy if he won the lottery hmm big one big not like are you one ten bucks?
Yeah, like oh, it's how much money to roll over how much money? Yeah, I think 140 million dollars is a good round number, okay? How blue can we get? It's fun This one's very PG I said a basketball team. No, that's pretty good 40 million dollars that's how much does the basketball team cost you could buy half of the bucks for probably a hundred and fifty maybe like a Shitty basketball team and then yeah I've asked you what you would buy if you were rich and you literally said a Tesla this is and you didn't say jack shit about the box By part of any best All right, I'm gonna I'm looking for a good Final question.
Oh what final question? I didn't I didn't choose to catch up And then I'll do a double question where you both have to answer Okay, I Really don't want to lose okay, Jake.
What is Amir's favorite movie sequel? Not the first movie Sequel the sequel. Oh You know what I was thinking the other day like is there a movie that has only had a sequel but not a third Addams family, I guess that was like a weird knockoff one with bad different actors Yeah This one's pretty easy by the way you the one you got right wasn't really correct I didn't write hard knocks.
So like I think we should eliminate. Oh, come on If you're listening out there, I'd like to know the name of the most popular sequel that never got their installment. Yeah, it's kind of a weird specific trivia your favorite sequel Again headgun podcast network never can't stress this enough our shows on there Shows on there. We have lots of great something for everybody. I think I Think this one will be obvious when I turn it around. Yeah, I'm just Wow so long is actually what we're gonna say to take when he loses too, so I don't even think that's how you spell it Holy shit Terminator 2 Great movie, yeah Well, we're one to two right now I'm gonna do this is a tie-breaker question Let's draw a line in the middle of each of your boards, so you answer it up top or oh I People can't read pregnancy test So Answer up top and then say the other person's in the underneath. Okay, so I'm already confused as to how we'll figure this out But we'll figure it out. Yeah, what kind of animal? With the other person like to be reincarnated as when they die If reincarnation is the thing we're making a lot of so my answer is on the top Your answer is on the top and your answer to his on the animal is on the bottom All right, and then what I think Jake wants to be is on the bottom Yeah, and what I think Amir wants to be yeah, not what I think he is not what he wants to be So I got yours damn it No, wait, you got mine, but I didn't get yours.
Yeah. Oh, hell. Yeah. Does that mean I get you? Which means Thank you guys so much for having us yeah, congratulations, thank you for playing you win nothing.
Oh I'm gonna read all these comments later. So make sure to leave really good ones, especially about the sequel Oh, can I ask them to follow me on Snapchat? Yeah Follow me on Snapchat. My name is Amir bloom. Be L. Oh, buddy your rolls on snapchat 33 |
cracked | 5_reasons_space_travel_is_going_to_suck_today_s_topic | Hey, how much do we get for a 401K? It's not like $400,000, is it? $401,000, idiot. And no, you put into it. You only get money back if you prove you're crazy or something.
I'm trying to save up for this Virgin Galactic ticket. Oh, I didn't know they were still together. They're not, but like a couple of them are going to do like a greatest hits tour. What are you actually talking about? Virgin Airlines. They have this thing, you buy a ticket, and you can go in like their space shuttle and tour space. No, thank you. What? Everyone wants to go to space?
Where's your USS Enterprise spirit? Where's your holy shit? Fucking space spirit. The USS Enterprise had alcohol, and the holodeck, and hot chicks. Apollo 13, on the other hand, had space pee, claustrophobia, and shrieking near-death experiences covered in space pee.
Real space travel sucks, and it will always suck. Well, that's wrong. The human galactic empire is the future, and the future is now. First of all, space is boring as hell. All those cool Hubble photos you see, those are manipulated after the fact. And even still, that shit comprises like one quintillionth of a percent of the view. Most of the time, you're just going to be looking at a few scattered dots on a video monitor, because there's no way in hell they're putting a giant window in a spaceship.
Not at first. Not ever!
Windows let in deadly radiation and compromised the ship's structural integrity. Remember, this is the screaming void of space. Death surrounds you. Anything goes wrong. A tiny part breaks, a little micro asteroid rips through your hull, and you're doomed, floating, helpless, infinitely far away from anyone who could possibly give a shit, especially me, because space is for suckers, and I'll be on Earth. You think flying coach is cramped? Space is going to be all clown car, with none of the pie, and all of the fear. Not at first. Anywhere cool you want to go in space. Even if you can go the speed of light, which we can't, the trip is years and years and years, and you need enough supplies for that whole trip. Every square inch of cargo space is precious. You can't even bring water. It's too heavy.
You know what you do? You drink the Space P. I'm okay with that. They probably water whirled it for you. That's cool. I bet if you pay extra, you can pick who's pee it is, too. I assume that matters, with taste. We're talking years of your life gone.
And if you're in a ship that does approach the speed of light, by the time you come back to Earth, your whole family is going to be dead, thanks to time dilation. I will make a new family in space. A sci-fi family.
Beep, boop, boop, beep, boop, boop, boop. I love you, Father. All right. I almost forgot.
No sex allowed. Who would make that rule? It's not a rule. It's just in zero G, your blood pressure's too low to maintain an erection. It's a physical impossibility. Stop the G. To a G. That button doesn't exist.
It does. Deep Space Nine, 2001. You just make a ship that's a ring, it spins, and then you walk around the ring. Yeah, if you want to walk uphill, no matter where you are, everywhere you go, all the time. It's not so bad. I will get in shape.
Enjoy your spinning celibacy submarine. If you need me, I'll be beyond any possible contact and essentially dead deep. No way, buddy. I'll come back in an escape pod and bring you with me when you change your mind. If your escape pod is essentially a second fully functioning ship with its own gravity system and enough supplies to last the years it takes to return to Earth, I'll still be dead. But fine, you can take my bones to Mars or something.
That's really sweet of you to say. You know, you kind of dominated this whole conversation. It was really hard to talk to you. Can't hear you. Got my earbuds in.
That's clearly not true. There was never really a clear villain. Nobody's plan ever made sense. I can't talk about her last month, so I'm just going to give the spoiler territory here. It fucking blows spoilers. And there's a girl in it, but it's not clear who side she's on at any time. And the relationship between McClain and his son is absurd because they think, oh, my son is screwed.
We've got to go. We've got to travel again.
But he's clearly a well-trained spy, so he wasn't down at the spy school. He must have had some kind of military training to be a spy in Russia. So Willis must have known that he wasn't a screw. He must have known that for so long because he's like, yeah, we want a spy college or whatever. Why would Willis be like, oh, he's in prison again. How could he... |
dropout | Backstage_Pleasures_First_Tour_Fresh_Desires | Hello, and welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am Jess Ross with me, as always, is my co-host. Hi, I'm Rekha. Rekha is here. She's back, and we love her. Thanks for all the lovely Discord messages, guys. Someone thought you were gone for good. Hey.
There was a scare. There was a big, the red scare.
If you are listening or watching, you are probably wherever you get your podcast, or you might be at CH2, watching on YouTube. But our favorite way, and the way that you get to see it first, the exclusive way, is through Dropout. You can subscribe to Dropout. Not only do you get the Erotic Book Club, you get all of our podcasts, Adventuring Academy, Tales from the Closet. You also get access to all of our different shows.
Kingpin Katie's still happening. Which Jess co-wrote with Katie. Which I co-wrote.
It's very awesome. There's going to be some more exciting new shows coming out all of the time, so it's super fun to be on there.
And another great part about being on Dropout is that you get access to the Discord. The Discord is the channel where you get to talk to us directly, and you get to be a part of our Erotic Book Club by messaging us and messaging about the different books we read. So I have some Discord comments.
Room Magic said, Lily's energy is really fun in this episode. I'm starting to get a feel for her personality now. And I like that she takes up space, and she makes that cream puff chair her bitch. Which she did. I believe she sat in that one. I will say that I've known Lily for a while. Lily makes literally every chair her bitch. The way she sits is crazy.
And Lily, we love it. Yeah. We love you. Keep it up.
Miles, whose pronouns are he, him, said, just listen to Cream for Stepfather. I miss Rekha, but all the special guests have been super lovely while she's gone. I miss you too, Miles. Stan said, I can't stop listening to you guys.
Very entertaining. Can you invite Grant O'Brien more often? Yes.
No, we can't. And I meant, yes, we can't. Yes, we cannot. He's booked, and we're all booked up, so it can never happen.
But speaking of books, booked, we're going to talk about the book for this week, Backstage Pleasures, First Tour, Fresh Desires. This is from the Tour of Sin book series. This is book one by Tanya Colt. This is all about backstage pleasures, being on the road.
So of course, as always, we had to get some experts in here to help contextualize what we're reading, because me and Rekha are two big dumb idiots. And we don't know anything about anything. We've experienced nothing but sitting in these chairs and not making them our bitches.
So we have with us an expert concert goer, Laurie. Hi. I've been to so many concerts. Between five and seven. Whoa.
Could it be six? Or are we not sure? It could be, I don't know if a couple of them count as concerts or jam sessions.
I mean, you're already using so many terminology. So much terminology. I'm so impressed.
You're still in the biz. You're in the biz. Speaking of biz, we also have another expert here on rock and roll as a whole.
Please welcome Chad. Hi. Hi, guys. Hi.
I'm a big expert on rock and roll. Wow. So any questions about rock or roll or anything like that? Whoa.
Just what are some facts? Like your top facts. Top facts. Okay, yeah. Top facts.
So the guitars are huge in the business. Oh. For sure. Do you mean size-wise or like popularity? Size-wise. Guitars are bigger than we think. Yeah. A lot of people. And depending on the person holding it, they can look bigger. Yeah. I noticed. They're already big. Yeah. The baby has one that looks way bigger than if an adult does.
Yeah. That's really. Who's the expert? Yeah. Please stop. I'm an artist, so I know these things. Yeah. Okay. So guitars are big. What else? Guitars and amps. Oh, sure. Yeah.
Amps are like a part of. For fans at home if they don't know what an amp is. It's short for amplifier. This is real. It's short for amplifier. And what it does is it makes the music that you're playing bigger.
Wow. Yeah. So you know that concept Michelle Obama has, amplification? Yeah. Where you're like when a woman says something, you'd be like, like Jess said, that's what an amp is doing. But for guitars. Referencing that. Yeah. Or that's referencing her. Who came first? Michelle Obama or amps? I hope Michelle. I think so. All right.
If you did not have the pleasure of reading Backstage Pleasures, here are some character names that you might hear. We have our beautiful rock and roll leading lady, Ellie. We have the guitarist who's British and described as cute, Roger. Kyle, the drummer from Cali, Andy, who is a groupie in the crowd, we'll see what comes of him. Eric, the bassist, and then Alice and Cindy, two other groupies. Which I would like to say are two characters in the Brady Bunch.
Oh, yeah. Oh, man. That's all I have to add. Whoa. I wish I would have had that in my head when I was reading the CD. Right? You could think of the housekeeper and the youngest daughter. Yeah. I was thinking of the Brady Bunch movie when she sleeps in the fridge. Yeah. Because she lives in there. Yeah. I like that part.
So we meet Ellie, and she kind of gives us a back story of how she became to be the rock and roll goddess that she is.
And she never really meant for it, as most protagonists in these books don't. They have no ambitions of their own, because that would be rude.
Personal ambitions are a sin, and you should stop having them. Especially if you're a woman. America, I'm making a call to action. Women, you need to stop having ambitions. Don't admit what you want. Just let it happen to you.
She really emphasized how important her brothers were for her, often. I don't know their names, and the amount of times that she mentioned them made it seem like they were going to fuck.
I thought 100%. No. I did not have that impression at all.
She brought up her brothers during one of the sex scenes. So right after, right before, she was like, my brother was there. And then blew. Yeah, because her brother came to one of her concerts.
Yes. Oh, that's right. She said my brother didn't show up, and she was really upset that day. Yeah. Oh. Mm-hmm. Wow. Yeah. Did you get the vibe that she was going to fuck her brothers? No.
Another thing I wish was in my head when I was reading this. I feel like I've missed out on.
You wish Greg and Peter had fucked. Greg and Peter fucked? Alice and Cindy?
All of them together in one room, one big concert.
Not to keep bringing up the Brady Bunch movie, but there's a scene where the two eldest ones in the sequel are almost about to kiss. And I remember as a kid thinking it was so hot. Well, they did date in real life. Maureen McCormick and Barry.
Oh. His name is, it sounds like Barry White, but it's Barry Williams. Is that what that joke is alluding to in the movie? Yes.
Yeah, there was a lot of talk about them. Because they were hooking up a lot. Oh, I just thought because they were siblings, and it was funny.
Oh, it was. But no, they didn't happen to. You're right. It's OK. No, it's good.
But yeah, they were totally hooking up co-stars. I just remember there was a curtain, and you could see their silhouettes. And that felt big as a kid, too. There were a lot of movies where you saw the silhouette of somebody, and someone else was looking at it. And they were like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Too many weird backlit rooms where you can see people's shadows. Have you guys ever seen that in life?
No.
Well, showers. Like fucking showers. But my shower curtain is pretty opaque.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. And my shower doesn't have a light in it. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's a backlit. You have to silhouette. If you were to do that, it would take effort. Yeah. You need a film crew. Yeah. I just like that in life. To watch it to be a part of the silhouette. Both. That's a good metaphor. Maybe even be it. Yeah, you want to be it.
How do I dare? Yeah, see, women don't have ambition. Yeah, if I just happen to stumble into it, maybe. Just let it happen, Jess. Yeah, but I certainly don't have the talent that I know of. Can I also mention, because we were talking about all the names, I don't think we learn the main character's name for like eight pages. Not for a bit.
We only learn it in the context of one of her first hookups when he's like, I'm whatever. And she's like, I'm Ellie.
That happens all the time in these books, too, where I have to go back to my first page of notes and write their name. How do we do that? Can they just say, my name is blank. The first line of every book.
I wish it was. Lolita.
Opening this book felt like just walking into someone already having a conversation. You close it, and then it stops talking, and you open it.
Well, there's all the important stuff they're not harping on either. She doesn't go into great detail about forming this band or being on the road.
That was crazy. And then I had a vocal coach who was six foot, and I think maybe she was a lesbian, but I don't know.
I'll never talk about her again.
And my brothers didn't have singing talent, but I did. Anyway, I became the front woman of a very successful band. We sold out a 35,000 person arena.
When? What? How?
The book is 33 pages, and that was like three paragraphs. Yeah. As soon as she starts talking about sex, though, she gets so detailed. But not even as detailed as I would like. OK, OK. But compared to the proportion of this text that is sex.
So she learns her brothers play guitar. She doesn't really know a lot about guitar or playing it, but that's how she learns a lot about rock and roll. And then guitars that we've mentioned before.
Huge, huge creatures. Huge, huge life-size creatures.
She gets a vocal coach.
I wrote this down. I was sure that she was a lesbian or something, but I never knew for sure. And I was like, what an odd sentence. You were sure, but I was never sure. And then we truly never hear from this woman again.
So she goes to a concert at a local place, and she sees this band, the Mud Slingers, which she says is a terrible name. And they have this lead singer who just sucks, but the band rocks, this female lead singer. And her friend sets it up where she gets to meet with this band. And the band is like, our lead singer is a drunk, and we hate her. And so we're going to have you be the lead singer.
And I instantly felt so bad for that other singer. I was like, is no one in her life supporting her?
Also, isn't getting drunk huge in rock and roll? I know it's huge in concert. Absolutely. On both sides of it, yes. It's a big part of it. It should be celebrated getting sloppy drunk. And if they're saying she went too far in a rock and roll lifestyle, I was like, she must really have a problem. No such thing, almost. That's kind of the story I want to hear, to be honest.
I want to follow this other woman and who she screws. And who she's been betrayed by. Everyone in her life, it seems. And I thought, is it also this band? Do they all just fuck these women and then throw them out?
Yeah. It sounds like it. Yeah. It's going to be the cycle of Ellie. That's what I thought. I was like, is she going into a safe situation?
How far does the tour of Sin go? That's the ultimate sin. We're reading too much.
No, no. No, we typically don't do that. We typically don't do that.
This book ends at the gluttony. We're going to get to the final sin. Seven sins.
Nobody shows up. So she gets with the band.
And instantly they change their name to Ninth Quarter. Which is so much better than Los Angeles.
Here's a question Jessica and I were talking about. Yeah. You guys didn't get a chance to look it up. We did beforehand. We had a chance to look it up and still have the question.
Is the ninth quarter referring to a sport or something? What sport do you think quarters are in?
Oh, I was thinking about it in terms of weight. In terms of weight? I lost my ninth quarter of pounds.
Like weed. Like a trimester? Oh, like weed.
Oh. That was my ninth quarter of weed today. Is how I took it. Oh. I thought it meant like coins. I thought it meant like the final. Oh my god. Two dollars and 25 cents. I thought in essence it was like a direct synonym for final hour. Like eleventh hour. Exactly. That's what I thought. But then I was like ninth quarter. I'm like, do they mean inning? I don't know shit about sports, but like quarters are in basketball. Yes.
I think football. In football. Wait, gridlock football? Remember we looked at? Gridiron. Gridiron, cool. No, gridlock is when there's traffic on the field. What is that? That's when there's traffic and you go play football. They play in. With a car. Yeah, that's soccer here.
But basketball is four quarters because that makes a hole. So if you had nine, that's two and a quarter. Maybe that's all the joke and we don't get it. Maybe it's supposed to be ninth is in baseball, but quarter is in football. There are no jokes. But there's a quarter in basketball too.
Yeah. But that's what I was saying. I don't know what a ninth quarter. Like that's not a term that I like. Again, eleventh hour. I'm like, oh yes, that register. I think it's like their take on that. Yeah.
They partied so hard after a jam session. Not a concert. It's under the umbrella. They were almost at the end of the ninth quarter.
Yeah, it sounds like weed to me. I don't know. Right. Also, it's almost at the end of a thing we made up.
I was sure she was a lesbian, but I wasn't sure. Lots of qualifiers.
Well, the good thing is it's a book, so it's always open to interpretation. There are no wrong answers. That is actually a good thing.
So they paid colleges up and down the West Coast and then that's how they got to open for one of the biggest rock and roll acts that there is, Chemical Sanity. I will say as an improviser, all of these names do sound like improv team names. They do, yeah. They're like, ooh, two things.
Chemical Sanity? Chemical Sanity.
I'm not saying it's a good name. It sounds like two words, which is what an improv team name is. Yeah, it sounds like a newer improv team. They're like, we did like a word exercise, a pattern exercise, and that's what we came up with. My friend and I were playing rock band and we had to come up with a name and we just couldn't decide. I'm like, OK, on the count of three, we're each going to say a word and that's the name.
And on three, she said crap and I said psoriasis. So we named the band psoriasis crap and that's immediately what I thought of with Chemical Sanity.
It just sounds like two words. It's also like someone who's insane and then they take a pill and now they're better. Chemically altered to be the same. So it's just like a medicated person. Lexapro. It just sounds like something that's because rock and roll feels like it should be out of control and that sounds very in control.
Swimming proper. It's like part of the straight edge. But wait a minute. We're so hardcore that we come back around. Well, I don't know how straight edge they are because then after their first gig, the leader of Chemical Sanity comes up to Ellie and says, you're amazing. Want to fuck? Oh yeah, very direct. What do we think?
You like that? I can tell you like it. I do like it. I really like it.
OK, you're a concert goer. I'm a concert goer. OK, what's your favorite band?
Are you allowed to say? Who knows? Sure.
They're called the Bourne Ruffians. They're from Canada.
So excluding your personal relationships currently, the lead singer makes eye contact with you on stage and goes, wait, stop the music. Everyone shut up. Stop the music. Everyone shut up.
This sounds embarrassing. You are embarrassing me. Points to you. It goes, you, what's your name?
Laurie. Do you want to fuck? Did you get it wrong? Laurie fucks up a medium. No, that's right. She said, Laurie. That's right.
It's my thing. You've got this. Girl, you've got this. You've got this. Your whole team is egging you out. You've got this, girl.
He goes, you want to fuck? Do you like that? Game, yes, totally. Immediately, yes, please take me.
I don't care. I have you on it. This isn't apples to apples, though.
Because she just performed. She just performed.
And if someone came up to me and said, you're amazing, I would have said, thank you. And they said, you want to fuck? And I was like, dude, you really think I was amazing? Jessica, you're right. And thank you for calling me out on this. Laurie, you're at Mod Night, which is a sketch night at UCB here.
Yeah. OK. You're a writer there, right? I'm a writer, yeah.
Joe Winger. OK, are we substituting his vibe with the lead singer of the Bourne ruffians? Yeah. Just the sexiest improviser you can think of. Joe Winger.
The sexiest improviser you can think of comes up to you and goes, whoa, did you write that closing sketch? You were awesome. Did I write it?
No, it's not even that, though.
It's, do you want to fuck? And then, do you want to fuck?
Yeah, I think I'm down. Yeah. OK, great. I think I'm in for it. I love it. OK. It's very direct. I don't either.
I need flirting and stuff. I need flirting. I can just like, yeah, and then go fuck. That is flirting.
But I think it's accelerated. I guess imagine mutual respect for their work. Like, there are definitely people whose work I admire.
And it's like, in some fantasy world, it is really hot. But they're like, hey, you want to fuck? You're like, yeah, cool.
I think even if there was a bit of eye flirting, it doesn't need to be talking. But instead of looking back and forth a little bit for the night. And then that final, let's get up and go. I love some eye flirting.
I'd be like, OK, we get it. What are we going to say?
Where are you from? Where am I from?
Who gives a shit?
What's everyone's eye flirt? Eye flirt? Sorry for those of you listening. Well, I'll try to describe them. Yeah, subscribe to Dropout. OK, here's my eye flirt.
OK. Oh. Shit. You know what it is?
It's a fan that's on oscillation. And it's blowing in her face periodically.
Yeah. She's trying to make eye contact, but it's like. Yeah, like this. Like I have a bug flying into my eye. I like to do a little bit of the eye close and then give it to you from the side. Ooh. A surprise. You don't wear my pupils good for good. Yeah. I heard once that a lot of people in movies, when they're about to kiss someone, they go like this. They look from the lips to the eyes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking at the lips. I saw someone who was just sitting next to Rekha. That's pretty cool. What about you, Chad?
I do like a really intense. I just do like sustained contact.
No blink.
I like it. It reminds me of that. It makes me feel smaller. I like it.
That's when they say she was unblinking. That's so funny. I thought of like an American girl doll that hasn't tipped its head over yet. Like, it won't blink. That doll wants to fuck me. Look at its buck teeth.
So but she's a bit more, not prude, but all the other guys on the tour are really indulging in the different girls. They have girls coming up all the time. I think Carl is the stage manager who the guys, while they're playing their big old guitars, he'll point to somebody. And then just have them come backstage waiting for them.
And she hasn't done that yet until this concert. She's out there rocking it, singing her heart out. And she's on a power ballot called What You Want. And she sees the sexiest guy she's ever seen.
We will say there is a typo. And it does say the sexist guy. The sexist guy.
I didn't notice that. Which is beautiful. Six foot. The most sexist guy I've ever laid my eyes on. I read this part. I knew Rekha would like it.
She was describing his look somewhere between Slavic and Nordic. So white, right? There's very little space between Slavic and Nordic. The blondes between Slavic and Nordic, there are a lot of hues. An exotic mix of Danish and Finnish.
His skin nearly translucent. Every vein visible. Eyes clear. Hair clear.
This part I love too.
A snake tattoo sneaking down from his back to his belly button. I could see it because he had his shirt off.
Yeah. We know.
He had a tattoo on his butt cheek. I could see it because his pants were pulled down and his butt was out. He was moving.
Did it say snake tattoo? Yeah. Or did it say snake? Oh, it was snaking down. I imagined it was a snake. It was a snake. That was a detail. It was a snake? No, it was snaking down. That was a detail.
It was like, that's where writing comes into play. Like what should it have been? Yeah. Like just say what the tattoo. Maybe it's your mind.
He had the most wonderful tattoo. It was a ladder. I thought it was a snake tattoo. I read it as a snake. I envisioned it as a snake tattoo with like the tongue. She just was like, it's a cool tattoo.
What are other things that could snake down? Like a pipe.
A playground slide. A spaghetti slide.
A big dick. A little meatball for his belly button.
The arena was hot and I was dripping. Isn't that crazy? I never thought of singers getting off while they were singing.
Me either. But I guess they do all the time.
Or did she mean like face sweat, right? Well, I thought she meant her pussy. She meant vagina. I think she meant her vagina was dripping. For sure. And then that also made me wonder what she was wearing.
It was hot and I was sweating beautifully. Because of the heat. I've got to talk to Carl about getting an air conditioner. Stage manager he is. I need a fan. Chanterettes get hot.
It's one of the things about them. That is true.
But it did make me wonder, again, another thing of this would have been a sexy detail in addition to what the tattoo is. I did wonder what she was wearing. I'm like, oh, she's wearing a cool skirt. Like a leather skirt situation.
Like pants. Like ripped. Like destroyed.
Because she's dripping. I don't know. It felt more like. That's such a visceral description. I really wanted to know what her outfit was. I imagine she was the lead singer of Paramore.
Oh. And then this, again, I'm casting as Jason Momoa. Oh, wow. Who I do often. You're a visual reader. I always like to cast them. In case I ever want to green light one of the books. You know? With my Hollywood powers. It would be a five minute movie. Yeah. I'm always thinking show biz. Yeah. OK, we already got Susan Olson as Cindy. Oh, yeah.
The brothers are sweet life Zach and Cody. Cole and Dylan's brows.
What a dream. Oh my god.
And she's singing. So he is motioned to get back there. And he does. And she's singing her last encore.
And her panties are dripping. She's about to get laid by this stranger. She goes backstage. All the guys have these different girls. And this dude's a little shy backstage.
Which I did think was cute. That probably is how you'd be. No matter how jacked you are.
Yes. These are famous people at this point. Semi-famous. Yeah. Fame taps off. And I agree. Ugly famous person is better than ripped regular person. I agree.
And everyone should take that home with them. And take that as a lesson. So she basically just says to him like, hey, you want to get out of here and fuck? And he's like, all right. Yeah, let's do it.
And one thing I appreciated is because she kind of pitched herself as very new to this whole rock and roll lifestyle.
Thank you.
I appreciated that she was a little scared even asking. She knew she wanted it. But she couldn't even believe it was her asking for it. That felt very real. The first time you were like, hey, you want to come to my place?
I did it. Yeah. She really went for it, too. I was like, go, girl. You did it right.
I liked that part a lot. I'm so happy for her. And I liked that she was like, she is this rock and roll star. She does play to these huge crowds. But she kind of feels like she's playing the part, too. Yes. She describes that psychology a lot, which I liked. And she wants to do it and be a part of it. But it is also like, oh, it's the first time I'm really taking charge. And especially in the sex scene, too, we'll get into it more. But that was probably my favorite part of the book, was her kind of finding herself, her voice within this thing that she already was, which I felt like a fantasy of what you already are, but allowing yourself to be it.
And just finding her voice. She's the lead front woman. She's the front woman. Yeah. She's the singer, but she still has to find her voice.
Wow.
Rock and roll. Rock and roll, baby.
A part of it that I didn't like is when she leaves, the band is all hooting and hollering, like, oh, yeah. Oh, good. I hate that. Yeah. I don't like it. It's like, mind your business.
Do you think if the band was her girlfriends being like, yeah, go. Like if it was the Spice Girls. If it was the Spice Girls.
If it was Posh leaving with a guy, and Baby and Gingerbread. Yes. Go Posh. He's hot. It depends.
I think it depends on how nervous you are, because I've been in those situations where your friends think it's funny to egg you on in front of someone you're nervous to talk to. And you're like, can you shut the fuck up? And I've been in those situations where you're kind of laughing about it. And it depends on your level of nerves, I feel. I think it makes sex feel like a numbers game to me, which I don't like.
Oh, fair. I agree. You're about to get one in. You get a point. And it's like, yeah.
It's just not my favorite. Maybe especially from a crew of dudes that also kind of treat women disposably at these concerts.
Or they could have been like, Ellie, you found your voice. Good job. They pulled her aside. They're like, wait, Ellie, we're lining up.
We all have a little personal message. You go. I'm so proud of you. You're really sitting in your power. Taking what you want back from the universe. If you want to say this affirmation in the mirror before you make love. I wrote you a little affirmation, yeah. At your own pace. It says, I am worthy. You're beautiful. I am worthy. My body is my own.
Why couldn't they just be like that? Why can't they?
So they take a cab that's covered, which is great too. She doesn't have all expenses paid. Go back to the hotel. I like that she said that because I would like that too. I'd be like, ooh, and I don't have to pay for this cab. Because it's like a cab.
We're not even using Lyft and Uber terminology. There's no coupons on that.
I could be like, and what city was she in? Sacramento. Oh. This felt like a European tour. She was in Sacramento. Which is hilarious. So she's in Sacramento.
I bet that cab's like, I don't know. Can we say $25? You could say that, yeah. Yeah, you would call it and wait 45 minutes for a cab to arrive.
There's no cabs in Sacramento. In Sacramento.
That's true, yeah. Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. Sacramento, reach out.
She goes back to the hotel. And he's still a little bit nervous. So she's like, I'm going to take a shower. You do what you want. She gets back out. He's still a little nervous.
Lit power move, by the way. I know. I loved that.
Hey, if you're here when I'm out, cool. If you're not, cool.
Close lock. But what about when he leaves? So sad the book ends there.
But then she's like, now you go take a shower. Separate showers was so funny. Because you're like, oh, this is a sexy book. And then you're like, oh, they took separate, very practical.
It is a bit of a fantasy. Get your balls washed up. Have it squeaky clean.
It's two sides, though, to me. Because there's a part of me that's like, that's hot, the power thing, control the waiting. But it's also like, it's hot for like 10 minutes. And then it's like, you know.
Are you washing your hair? Yeah, you can't wash your hair. Yeah, I have to leave in my shampoo for like 10 minutes. Otherwise, it doesn't actually work. I'm going to leave my makeup on, too. So I think it would just be, just wash your armpits in the crotch.
Oh, pits and parts? Yeah, pits and parts.
You know. So he comes out. He drops his towel. Are you kidding? He has an epic cock, half swollen, huge mushroom head. Half swollen.
I really like mushroom head. You like mushroom head? I like the descriptor. I think it's great. I like mushrooms, but now I'm talking about penises. I don't either. The mushroom head thing is so weird to me.
Well, we're vegetarians, too. So mushrooms mean a lot to us. It means a lot to us.
It's often a burger. Yeah. Next thing you know, I'm sucking on my burgers.
Yeah, and I couldn't tell which was his dick and which was my Shake Shack meal. His dick was filled with mozzarella cheese. I hate, well, just my personal opinion, I don't like that about the Shake Shack thing.
I'd rather have the cheese on top. You're talking about how it's like a fried chunk of cheese? I wish there were more mushrooms, because it really feels insane to eat that thing. It's so delicious. Too much cheese. But sometimes, you know, I want more of the vegetable.
I think so, too. But it's an incredible burger. An incredible corporation and company. And I do love them, too.
He reveals his cock. We're in it. We're ready to go.
Anything special you want me to do, he asks. And throughout, he keeps asking her, what can I do for you? What do you want me to do?
And she quickly realizes, like, oh, I'm a rock star. I'm a celebrity.
People will do whatever I want. And I was like, damn, I wish I could have people do whatever I want. And then she's like, lick my asshole.
I know. Then she gets on all fours. I love that. I really love it. This was maybe my favorite part. Yes. Yeah.
Eat me gets on all fours. And he eats her pussy. Oh, she said, eat my pussy and my ass.
Yeah, like alternate. I want like a, you know. It's also because she's like kind of virginal and shy. And then she's like, what do I want?
Eat my pussy and my ass. I want you to eat my ass for a little bit. And I want you to stick your tongue in my pussy.
OK. I guess I do know what I want. Books, cool.
Yeah, he was listening to her every command. And then she comes. And now she's like, now fuck me. And then he puts his penis in her. She says, I was in control.
But no matter what anyone tells you, once you get a cock in you, you go a little weak. Yeah, and people tell you otherwise. It makes you stronger. I have a pillow that says otherwise. But every time I look at it, I'm like, I know that's a lie. Yeah, the cross-stitch pillow your mother gave you. Yeah. You are in control when a cock is inside you. What did you think of this part too?
So she says, don't think of me as the lead singer of ninth quarter. Tonight, I'm just Ellie from San Jose. And he goes, I would prefer to fuck Ellie Manson from ninth quarter.
I was really at two minds of this one as well. It felt like there's something sexy in the role play and the hotness of it. But it's also like, but. It felt a little like a gross. You know?
I don't want to fuck Ellie. But if you're not Ellie from the ninth quarter, then you're ugly.
Yeah, exactly. That's what I thought. Yeah. I think he can fuck Ellie from San Jose like if they were going to go out a couple more times. But OK.
They met at a concert. And this is like in the concert vibe. This is your expertise. Ellie is professing herself that this is, I'm for the first time going to grab a concert goer.
So it's like. Yeah. Date four, he's still like, no, you're still Ellie from the ninth quarter. That's when it's a problem.
You have no brothers. Your brothers are the men on stage. Your family is the crowd.
Yeah. But she like set this up and then was like, actually, no, I want you to fuck my real self. Sure.
Fuck the little baby girl me, not the sexy rocker. I cannot be both. I'm either a baby or a rocker.
So they all come, everybody comes. They have a great time.
She says she's all covered. Sorry, his dick is all covered with her pussy cream and saliva.
Yes. And then after their first time, she asks, they're like lying in bed, what do you want to do now? And she says, are you a first time shooter? Suggesting she wants to go again. But how is someone supposed to answer that? Yes. I've got to go.
Someone would say no. You know, no one would say no. Are you a one time shooter? One time shooter. Yeah. One time, sorry. If you can go multiple rounds. You can go multiple times. But she also said it sort of like, you're not a one time shooter.
That's how I read it. It was a little rude. I think my answer would be like, yeah, give me some time. Yeah.
You want to watch House Hunters? I thought you were going to say house.
Honestly, equally or fun. Either. So but he's not, of course. So they get right back to it.
She's savoring the flavor of every gooey blast of semen. That's where this was. That reminded me of a Dairy Queen thing. Gooey blast. I took issue with this. Yeah, you can dip it in the chocolate. The whole time when she, OK, so he fucked her, and then she's sucking his dick. I was like really waiting to hear what her pussy tasted like. I love that. I love in porns when people are like, ooh, I could taste myself. I could taste my own pussy or taste my pussy.
But she just said pussy cream. Yeah, she's just like, my pussy juice was there. I'm not going to speak on how it was. She said cream. Do you think it was like she had ice cream or milk or something before?
You shouldn't if you're a singer. Rock and roll, right?
Yeah, dairy. No, if you're going to sing, you have to do like a tea with some ginger. She probably just had some tea. But do we think there was milk in it? Ooh, it tastes like chamomile. Oh my god, robust. I only do herbal.
But she's so quick to talk about how his cum tastes. It's like, this is not the interesting part of it. She said it just had flavor. It's just gooey. OK, she mentioned the flavor of it. Maybe she's more of a texture person.
Oh, interesting. Pussy juice has texture. Yeah. Hmm. Liquidy? It's liquidy. Yeah. I'm going to assume she had tea and maybe some pizza.
Cheese. Cheeseless pizza. Cheeseless.
A tomato pie. Oh, I love tomato pies. I love tomato pies too.
Mm. Oh, shit.
So they're just having a blast. She's playing the part of the filthy rock queen. And they do it four more times on the balcony, on the shower.
Spread eagle on a big sofa. I thought that one was funny. That to me is so like just like. Spread eagle. Yes, Judd. And that's only for dropout subscribers. And then once more on the bed. And this is going to be a night that he's going to brag about to his friends forever. That aspect was kind of fun to me that she's like thinking of herself in the terms of like the story these people are going to tell. Yeah.
Because that feels very like, yeah, like if I run it, like all those Bill Murray stories you hear, like I ran into Bill Murray and no one ever believes. He like purposely do weird things. He's like, no one will believe you that I did this weird thing. Like I heard a story he barged in on karaoke once in New York that someone was doing. And it's like, no one will believe that this happened.
You know? It's like, yeah, I don't. Yeah. So there's some aspect of that that feels fun that she's relishing in her own legend or something. Yeah. She's like, I'm famous. Yeah. She's excited about it. And it will wear off. We know that.
Like I want to see this book in three years when she's like, ugh, I'm still doing this. Because she's 20 also. That was maybe one of the stupidest parts is that she's 20. Not 21? Well, I just feel like she's way young.
Yeah. I'm like, 20? That means you were born in like 1999. Oh, man. 1999. Oh, that is crazy. Yeah. Yeah? That's my age. That's your age? That's crazy. That's me.
Another thing that I like in the book, so she has this one experience. And she's like, OK, I want to go like do it more now. I'm feeling so empowered. And then she goes to San Diego.
And she has a really bad time with someone. And they keep it pretty brief. She's like, and that sucked.
So then we went to another town. Was this the guy that got really funny? He got really high.
And then he couldn't get it up. He couldn't get it up.
Yeah. I thought that seemed very realistic. Because I am sure there are plenty of concert situations where even if you're not the lead singer in trying to hook up with a concert goer, just two concert goers. And it's like, oh, everyone's too fucked up to hook up. Yeah, absolutely.
Happens all the time in rock and roll. Rock and roll. And at concerts.
I didn't like the part where she said she was envious of the bandmates because if the girls were too fucked up, it didn't matter. That did not like that part. It doesn't intersect with people who are too fucked up.
No. I also thought that was crazy. Yeah. No good.
It sucks because women are disposable and men are good. So women are just a hole that lie in there. So they could fuck all the women they want because they're not important.
Bummer. Then we go to Tulsa.
And Eric, the bassist, who we find out maybe has a bit of a crush on Ellie, has six innocent Midwestern girls backstage. And they refer to them as easy Midwest girls.
Now, I'm not from the Midwest. I don't know if that is a common thing that they're easy. I'm assuming because maybe they're further away from the elite coasts that they're, yeah, maybe more desperate to fuck. So fame feels hotter?
Yeah. They're not like models like us. Like, we fuck. Celebrities all the time. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, we fuck models. Yeah. We're fuck models. Oh, yeah. We're fuck models for sure.
And two of the girls, Alice and Cindy from the Brady Bunch. A little girl and an older housekeeper.
Who's dating a butcher. Named Sam Butcher or something.
Come up to her and basically say, like, we've heard the rumors about you. You'll be with men and women. And it is implied in the book that she's had experiences with women in the past, but they've always kind of involved men too. And they say, you know, we're both bi if you want to go party.
And then she takes a sec and she's like, yeah, all right. I'm going to feel this out. Let's go see what happens. And then they get into a cab that's paid for and go to the hotel room.
And this part was very weird. So they're kind of not sure what to do with each other yet. They're all like sitting around a little uncertain.
And then one girl offers ecstasy and they crush it up and mix it with strawberries and champagne. And then they say, it's a real, it was really girly. It's kind of a girly day. You know when sex in the city when they're constantly crushing up ecstasy into their drink. And snorting it.
I think because there was strawberries involved with it. Strawberries are girls. And champagne. Strawberries are girls.
Also, Molly is like primarily a girl name. Molly is a girl name. So, you know, that could make a girl name.
Oh, and Coke is boy. Coke is boy. Oh. Molly's a girl.
And weed is non-binary.
Alice and Cindy start kissing. And Ellie's watching. They strip down to their bra and panties. But Ellie is saying to herself that she's not ready or high enough for an all girl three way.
I mean, shut up. Exactly. You need to be blasted out of your mind to have an all girl three way. Remove all the difficulty of a penis from it.
You've got to be so high. I will do it now. It is eight in the morning.
It felt like the author being like, she's not gay. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Which there's a lot of that kind of shit in these sort of self-published erotica that's like, I'm not gay or nothing, but ho, boops. Yeah.
Well, I think in like Rock and Roll 2, it's like, I'm a nasty girl. I'll get with a girl if a guy's watching. It's nasty to be with a girl, but not for your own pleasure together.
It's for the benefit of soon you will have a penis. Yes.
And as a result of that kind of lens, this scene was a lot less hot than I thought it could be. It was a downer, yeah.
I'm like, you got. I would have loved it if she was like, I love this and I'm into this or whatever. Because I like the idea of her being like, no, you two do stuff. Yeah. I was like, that's kind of a fun roll. And then she was going to like finger herself or something. Yeah, the power of that's fun. She is.
I did think it was, again, another thing that put her like two steps away from it. She goes, I watched them both come a half dozen times before I finally pulled off my top and panties. I was like, you watched them come a half dozen times before you got any like.
She's like, all right. Yeah. I'm like, a half? There's a lot to get bitchy anyway. Yeah.
All right, we're coming a lot. You can just admit you want to masturbate. Well, it's because they were just, I mean, it would take them an hour. We're coming. I guess I have.
And she's just like staring, watching her six.
Yeah, you're a flirt I am. My flirt is.
For six times in a row. And then all those times, then she tells them to 69 on each other when she finally does have the pants off. If they've come that many times, I bet they've gotten to 69ing at some point.
You think? I think so. There's so, you know. An evolution. Again? Yeah. Again.
Do a different. Do a standing 69. Try that. A standing 69.
Ooh. The upper body strength. Tough position. Yeah. But if you can do it, my god, you could get off. Take a picture if you can do it. Because. Yeah. For the viewers at home. If you could do it, put it on. Absolutely do not put it on the Discord. You could draw a picture of it. Of these characters. Yeah.
Of Alice. Draw a picture of Alice and Cindy. And Cindy.
Doing really interesting, interesting ways of 69ing. Something that's unexpected. OK. I don't want expected 69ing. Don't get lazy on this. I could just be literally draw them lying down, but then make it a vertical instead of a horizontal.
Yeah. You just think you just rotate the picture. Yeah. 90. And we applaud. Oh.
Then they both eat her out at the same time. And she says that the one girl wasn't very good at it. I believe Cindy was not very good. Poor Cindy. But then Alice was very good at it. Both are eating her out at the same time.
They took turns. It was a taking turn.
Yeah. Because she demanded one go first and the other go off. That's right. Both is a little fun too. They're like a train, right? Yes. Like one of them goes and eats the other one's ass. I think. And that's her favorite position. She calls back to the first time. I like that she has a thing. Yeah.
I like that she likes being eaten out from behind. Eating out from behind.
Yeah. I don't like that one, but I did like that she likes it. Yeah. I like that one. After they have sex, Alice goes, Ally, can I have an autograph? Yeah. And Ally had just come all over this girl's face. Yeah.
Can I have your autograph? My pad is sopping wet, but you could sign next to John Legend.
Squish, squish.
So she does sign their autographs. Then she takes another shower, crawls into bed, and she's unsure where the road will take her next.
Fiend. Wow.
And that's the book. It left off a little with like, there's going to be a male male threesome. Or the version I read. There was like, she was like, there was like an illusion too. Yes. It was like her next book, right? The next chapter. Bandmates? Or something. Yes. Because I read part of the next chapter, and it implied that Eric. Oh, did everybody? We could talk about that too. I didn't read it, but I'm interested in what it says. I think it implies that Eric Roger may be in her. Yeah. Do something. Yeah. She mentions Roger's cute.
Eric's the one who has the crush, and Kyle is basically not mentioned at all. And her brothers are nowhere to be found. No. And I can't have my brothers, you have guitars.
Huge. Huge guitars. Huge. Huge guitars.
Wait. So how is that threesome implied? What happened? Let me look. I don't remember. In the beginning, she's like, oh, I'm doing another concert, and I still can feel the other girl's pussy, or the other girl's lips on my pussy. Yeah. Which I was like, ooh, first paragraph. Out the gate. Really love it. Sorry, this is a sidebar.
Because of this podcast, all my recommendations on Amazon are fucked.
And the thing that just recommended me was a book called No Egrets, which had a bird on it, like an egret. Ooh. And that can only mean to me that it's a sexy egret book. Yes, absolutely. Like, no regrets, but egrets? No egret. That's funny.
Sorry, I had to say it. Yeah, I don't remember any of the other specific books. I just remember being like, at the end, being like, oh, now I actually do want to read the next book, which is such a bummer.
I am interesting how the dynamics of having sex with the people in the band will be. She does mention, like, a Fleetwood Mac thing. She's like, usually this doesn't work, but some bands can power through it like Fleetwood Mac.
I didn't think so. I know. What are you talking about? She picked, like, the worst, the most infamous example of not doing this. Yeah, not working out. God. I couldn't believe it. Fleetwood Mac, Sonic Youth, all these people. They do it, right?
I don't know what her idea of working out is. She should have said Jay-Z and Beyonce through strife. Although those sections of Lemonade, where they get back together, I don't listen to it. Not Sandcastles, no thank you.
I couldn't believe that was actually him in the music video. I thought it had to be someone else.
I don't accept their reconciliation. Yeah, that's not canon to Jess. That's not canon. They're not together.
It could be a sham. It could be. You never know. I hope so.
I pray every night.
It's not inside rock and roll, so. You know Raph doesn't like Lemonade or Coworker? He doesn't like the album? He doesn't really like it, yeah. He likes 444 way better. But Lemonade.
He likes Love on Top the best. Love on Top is so good.
And listen to it at a wedding. It is good. What? It's a show off song. Yeah, it is. That's all I view it as. Listen to all the notes I can sing. Yeah, the lyrics are foolish. It's 20 key changes. It's appropriate for a wedding and nothing else.
No, it's driving, it's running, it's sleeping. Love on Top.
And that's all you can sing, Jess. Oh, no. I can hit all the notes. No, no, no. Legally.
If you guys were to be a groupie for a band, what can you? Ooh. What would you? What band? Yes.
Hot.
I think about it all the time. I would want to be a groupie in like the 70s. Me too. And fuck Led Zeppelin for sure. Ooh. I would follow them everywhere and just fuck them nonstop. I would do NSYNC. Oh my god. Chad. I love it.
Wait. Remove from NSYNC. Really? I mean, it's so boring. Justin Timberlake.
OK, I'm going to teach him today so we wouldn't have a fight.
JC's great, yeah. Oh, great. OK, Jess.
Literally, we don't even have enough time to talk about it.
JC is the best member of NSYNC. Stop. He's the best singer. That's ridiculous. You're going to make fun of rap and then you say something like that? JC is the best singer. Everyone. And then he had that really pro lesbian song. Um.
Some girls sleep with women. Women. It's all a dance with women. This song is actually very much not pro lesbian.
Oh, you're right. It's because some girls dance with women knowing that it'll get them attention. Oh, you're right. I want to get in with them. Hell yeah. So pass me a drink and let's roll. You're right.
That's a high two. Now, this is the best singer. Huh? JC should say, that was from his album Schizophrenic. Yes. Which I own. Yeah. I own vinyl.
His birthday is August 8th. He's adopted. I love him. Oh my god. He's wonderful. OK. He's adopted. Cute. I just love him so much. I have a poster of him.
It doesn't matter. OK. Still?
I left it in my Brooklyn apartment, assuming I would move back there after a year. So it's in a Brooklyn apartment? Yeah. This is on a wall.
An empty room. In a barren room with a dust bunny.
Six rats. Yeah, rats. JC.
Honestly, I love classic rock bands. I feel like I would be a Fleetwood Mac type groupie.
Oh. So hot too. Yeah. So hot. Yeah. Or like an NSYNC. Yeah. Jesus. The two Ns. Wow. That's where I live. I mean, if I'm thinking 90s, it would definitely be the Spice Girls. Yeah. And that we mentioned the Spice Girls as well. Yes. Oh my god. Yes.
To be on the tour bus, on the double decker.
Who would be your...
She's definitely so sexy.
None of the other ones. Maybe scary second.
But Jerry was... I'm a Pasha fan. I like Jerry and Pasha. Yeah. Is he Pasha?
I always knew she would think I was ugly and stupid.
Aww. I think I like that. Oh. For me. Yeah. I like that she thinks you're ugly. I like that a lot. Yeah. That gets you off.
You watch her. Now I like her more.
Yeah. Laurie, what about you? Yeah. Laurie, what about you?
I mean, I definitely like the Pussycat Dolls. Ooh. I think that the Pussycat Dolls...
And plus there's like rotating members, right? So it's like a bargain almost. You're getting a lot of them. Yeah. You want like the Electric Light Orchestra or the Polyphonic Spree where there's like three million people in it. Just a bunch of them. So as you're a groupie, you get fresh faces like Bill.
And I'm good for the year. Good for the year. I have sex once a lot. I feel up for the year like a bear eating a bunch of food.
Honestly. I don't hate that. It's so close to my sex pattern. Amazing.
So now we rate the book, if you've never heard before, it's from one to five. One is a drought and five is slide out of our chairs. So anyone can begin. What would you like to rate the book?
I will give it, gosh, I'm going to give it somewhere between maybe a 2.75. Yeah. I liked some of the psychological aspects that were being outlined. The sex itself wasn't super hot most of the time. Yeah. And was a bit of a missed opportunity. So I'll give it a 2.75. Yeah. I would give it a 2.5. I think I'm in the same boat.
I like the idea of this like, you are this thing, but having, it's so new to you that you haven't quite owned it yet. And it was cool to see her taking ownership of this.
And I, you know, anytime there's sex with Jason Momoa, I like it. It was clearly described. Jason Momoa, a Slavic Nordic ethnic mix.
Spaghetti meatball tattoo. Yeah, spaghetti meatball tattoo. If I met a man with a tattoo of spaghetti and meatballs and fettuccine Alfredo on his back, I'd be like, marry me today.
Laurie, that is disgusting.
I love those. I love it.
It's like fucking Chef Boyardee. Like a can of Chef Boyardee.
Is it nasty as hell? Love it. Are those freckles or little spaghettios? Ew. Oh wow, is that a Garfield ravioli on your arm? Slurping it up. I would give this like a 1.3.
I really, well, I fully read it like in my bed, hand in my pants, like ready to go if something took me. I was like, I'm going to see where this goes. I'm going to take it and come.
And I didn't even come, like it was like. I didn't even come twice. It was dry, it didn't get wet. I didn't even come six times.
And then do a 69. With myself.
Wow. I'm in the same boat. And I'm also just going to say 1.3 because it sounded nice. Because I was like horny too. And I was like, I was going to maybe watch porn and like do a little sesh. But instead I was like, I have this erotic book to read. And I just went right to bed afterwards.
I tried as a desert. We've had a couple recently that have been really good. And I've, you know, I have went and taken care of business. So I feel bad that you guys did not get to have that experience.
My boyfriend was sleeping next to me while I was reading it. And I was like, he could get lucky, but. You looked at him and you said you could get lucky. No, he was sleeping next to me.
This is your fault. You can blame Ellie and how she and herself aged right now.
Yeah. All right. Cool.
Well, the reviews are in. Thank you so much for listening. As always, we have our next book. We're very excited for this one. We have had a lot of fan recommendations in the Discord for an author, Chuck Tingle. So we have finally. I don't like that. Listen. He writes a lot of letters. It sounds like a sentence. Chuck Tingle. So we are listening to you guys. We went through. He has a lot of great ones. But this one just made us the horniest, you know, reading the title. From the get go.
I'm gay for my living billionaire jet plane. And that is by Chuck Tingle again. I'm gay for my living billionaire jet plane about a man and a jet plane who has come into an absorbent amount of wealth.
Yes. So that is what we will be reading for next time. You can find it on Amazon. Thank you so much for being here with us. Thank you. We hope you have a very sexy week.
Bye. Goodbye.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets.
A lot of, oh, I got you a gift. Let me tuck you into bed. And I'm like, oh, god, yes. So sign up for your free trial today. And it was so great meeting you. If you want to share some of those candy bars or rewind some time, you know, I am available. So if you get like 125, I can get 125.
I don't know. It's just an idea. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_game_galaxy | Welcome, bleep bloopers, I'm Jeff here with Pat. Not only are we in Nashville, we are at the mall and we are here to loiter, get in the way of mall walkers and just generally be up to no good. And we're also here as part of Stridegum's Save the Arcades campaign at Game Galaxy with its co-owner Rob. So let's go inside and waste some quarters. Also, I was promised pizza in the food court. We're in front of Crime Patrol, Jeff and I of course have played on a previous episode of Crime Patrol 2 using the far superior DVD menu selection mode and of course my own experience on the Crime Patrol Squad.
Before you were kicked off the force for your harsh interrogation techniques, they got results. If the fashion did not give away what year this game was made, just look at the incredibly realistic gun they used. This thing really has some heft to it. It doesn't shoot real bullets, but if we got in a fight, I could knock you out. A game about plumbers. Yeah, battle catch on.
So looking at the artwork on this machine, it seems like they only got the rights to use one of the two stars of the movie. Guess which one? It's Biff. It doesn't really look like Michael J. Fox on there. The Michael J. Fox on this part of the machine seems a little different from the Michael J. Fox on this part of the machine, which seems different from the Michael J. Fox on this part of the machine.
Keep rolling, I'm about to get a high score and I want to get the moment where I'm actually sucked inside the game. So you've always dreamed of owning an arcade and you now do. What do you think you could do to step it up to the next level? To step it up to the next level would probably maybe move out of the mall and actually do a bigger arcade. I kind of wanted to always do like a arcade hall of fame where we just have huge location, tons of different games.
No one ever leaves. Exactly. No one ever wants to.
That's right. Whoa, Pat, how is this game going? Not great, but not terrible. I've been playing for about 10 minutes and I'm breaking even. Yes.
I noticed that Bam Bam Bigelow is beating up the Undertaker. Is this game broken or something? Because clearly that shouldn't be happening. It may be a little broken. Can you not believe what you're seeing right now? Is this total pandemonium?
Most definitely. A game about falling blocks. Another winner here. I give it six months.
What are the advantages of owning an arcade? Being able to choose the games that I want to play. Basically this is all payback to your older brother for never letting you play.
You can say something like that. Go, go, come on. Come on, baby.
Now, what nuance skill are you using right now, Jeff? On second, I'm winded.
Oh, I wish I had more hands. Let's not get crazy. |
TheOnion | In_Bipartisan_Spirit_Obama_Makes_Deal_To_Get_Kicked_In_Balls | Well, after weeks of debate about a new round of corporate tax cuts, today in Washington, President Obama finally struck a deal with Republicans, allowing them to kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing. For some quick analysis of this historic decision, let's go over now to the first responders. Today we have joining us Nancy Pichlander, Duncan Burch, and David Baradale, whose opinions are sponsored by Acura. So guys, who won here? Who lost? David, let's start with you. I think Obama really came out on top here.
He wanted an expiration date for these tax cuts. Boehner said no. He eventually negotiated the Republicans down to kick him in the balls, and he didn't get anything at all. Okay, but it wasn't exactly an unqualified win, was it? Well, no. Obama doesn't get anything that he asked for, and they are going to kick him in the balls again and again very hard. But the point is that a deal was struck at all. The real issue here is not Obama and his balls. It's the Republicans. All right? And they really lost out on this deal. Okay, how so, Duncan?
Well, they could have gotten, should have gotten, a bill that allows them to kick Obama in the testicles around the clock, day and night. But instead, they just settled for kicking him when he's awake. The American people want Obama kicked in the balls in his sleep.
Yes. A democracy is about compromise, all right? Obama wants to end the tax cuts. The GOP says no. Pull down your pants. We want to kick you straight in the balls. Obama says okay. You see, it's a give-and-take. If I were in charge, it'd be all take. Okay, okay, guys. But what about the so-called ball-kicking machine that the bill requires to be installed crotch-level under the desk of Obama in the Oval Office?
Now, critics are saying it's just too expensive. It's way too expensive.
A person can kick a man in the balls better than a machine. Okay, but Obama did release a statement earlier this morning about the ball-kicking, and it said, quote, oh, shit, oh, God, oh, oh, oh, ah. Oh, come on, America's tired of Obama's rhetoric. It's true. This is classic Obama. I mean, he's there on the floor clutching his decimated crotch while America is crumbling around him. Just get up and let some people kick you in the balls.
Of course, but he needs to understand how politics works. I believe it was Patrick Henry who said, the tree of liberty needs to be occasionally kicked in the balls by patriots. No, that wasn't Patrick Henry. That was John Adams.
Want to bet? Hells yeah. Loser gets kicked in the balls. Works for me. All right, guys. Well, I'm sorry to inform you, but the quote was actually by Samuel Adams, so it looks like you're both getting kicked in the balls. Nancy, want to do the honors?
It's a pleasure. I'm going to enjoy this. Oh, this is going to hurt. But at least I can soothe myself thinking about Acura's optional blind spot information system. |
TheOnion | High_School_For_The_Performing_Arts_Student_Goes_In_Depth_About_Really_Weird_Peer_Pressure | Following morning reports indicating that Philadelphia High School for the Performing Arts student Samantha Bylem deals with really weird social pressures on a daily basis, Onion reporters met with a 16-year-old dance student who described feeling regularly alienated from her peers for extremely bizarre reasons. If you're not up to date on the latest urban street art or Esperanza Spaulding albums, the other students will eat you alive. It can get pretty brutal.
Just the other day, everyone cut class to go watch the Million Dollar Quartet musical at the Forest Theater, but nobody told me. Now I'm the only one that hasn't seen Lance Guest's rendition of Folsom Prison Blues.
It's humiliating. According to Bylem, the school year shows no sign of letting up as she continues dealing with the everyday stresses of auditioning for the school's production of My Fair Lady, keeping up with the latest punk Afro-Fusion dance groups, and not having enough fishnet sleeves to wear throughout the week. Honestly, I don't know how the other students deal with it.
Keep checking TheOnion.com for more as this story develops. |
cracked | the_despicable_crime_behind_every_pokemon_game_8_bits | We have been after this guy for months. John Doe, no record, wanted for eight counts of cool teeth against animals.
Alright, let's do this. Go on boys, go, go.
Guy catches straight, strings him to fight. Real sicko. Sir? Sir, you are under arrest.
Place the animal slowly on the floor. No! Go, go, go, go! It's a level two coughing, for God's sake. Come on! Get on the ground!
It's a gym! It's just a gym!
Tell it to the judge.
We're helping them evolve! You don't get it? We're helping them evolve!
I stay on the ground! Alright, let's secure the building and get the boys from the lab in here. Hey, and I don't want any red tape on this. You tell Prof Oak I'm calling in my favor. Normally a case like this would be animal controls problem, but you know, you add in minors and narcotics. It's when you talk to us.
I found the rest of them, Lieutenant. Good job, Rook! You're gonna get your rock badge for this. Some of these. They've been openin' a long time.
Hey, hey! It's gonna be okay, Andy! It's gonna be okay! You shut up, you dumb bitch! Oh, Jesus!
You see something like that? It really makes the department model hit home. Come on, let's get you cleaned up. Can somebody get that into evidence? |
dropout | laptops_are_a_conversation_killer_hot_date | This was such a good suggestion. I mean, we were just sitting at home on our laptops like anti-social losers.
What? Oh, sorry, is, um, is reading a, uh, is, um... Yes. Yeah, it's totally fine.
We're adults. We can sit at our laptops and still have a...conver...tuck.
Whoa, did you see this article about, uh, U.S. arms deals to Saudi Arabia? Huh? U.S. arms deals to Saudi Arabia? Huh? U.S. arms deals to, uh, Kat, who thinks he's a dog. What?
Um, sorry, I just found super cheap airfare... Uh-huh. ...to Japan.
Yeah, sorry. Are you listening to me? Sorry? Uh-huh.
What? Uh, I was just watching this video about, uh, Kat, who, uh, he was raised by Huskies, and it's, uh, crazy. What were you saying? Who? What?
Uh, yes. Yes. I did read that article.
I cannot believe... I can not believe... I cannot believe that...we...
Yeah, I'm listening. Huh? What?
I'm sorry. What were you saying? Bop-boom!
How long have you been there?
What's up the world from award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date. That's right, it's going to be coming to you weekly and if we play our cards right maybe we'll actually win one of these. Yes, these are other people's, but we're holding them so who's the real winner? |
TheOnion | Situation_In_Nigeria_Seems_Pretty_Complex | I'm Juliana Makanis, filling in for Clifford Banes, whose autobiography is due today.
With allegations of fraud surrounding the election of Umara Yareduya in Nigeria, how do you think global petroleum markets are going to react, particularly considering their understandable wariness given the crumbling infrastructure and continuing civil strife in the Niger Delta? Certainly that's an important question, one with no easy answers. A lot of issues are at play here.
Right. I agree. This gentleman that you mentioned certainly needs our trust and support now more than ever. You mean Umara Yareduya? Yes. Him, exactly. Well, I think that the reason that this situation is so volatile is because of the factors involved. That's exactly what I was just going to say. I just want to bring some issues to light that we're overlooking here.
We all know clearly that Nigeria has a 14 million population. The main export is uranium. The national language is French, and 18 percent of its livestock is exported.
So they have a varied and fascinating culture and economic situation going on, and I don't think that's being addressed here at all. Oh, no, no. And also, we want to differentiate between Nigeria and Niger. Okay, those are not only separate countries, but they're spelled differently. Which one are we talking about?
Nigeria.
But the real question is, does Yareduya have the necessary political skills to implement plans that have already been put into place by Bob and Dita, particularly, I would say, the International Monetary Fund's structural adjustment program? Hmm. Yes. I would say yes, yes. I agree, definitely. The comparisons are there. But do you see Yareduya following in the steps of outgoing President Olusegun Obasanjo, or more like former President Ibrahim Bob and Dita?
The first one. The second one.
If I'm following you, you're saying that you think he's more in line with Bob and Dita, right? Okay. I disagree with that. They're very different. With whom? Yeah. With you.
And you said the first one, right? Yes, we said the first one.
So the question is, what choice will he be making? The right choice is to support the right answer. Right. The right answer to the question. That is what the question was in the beginning. Exactly. Which is the exact answer. You said this is a great question.
I have to say, though, I disagree. Yeah, I don't agree with what I said either. |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Seven minutes to wear, Mr. Martin. right. See, you remember when Bill Murray came, when you were the medieval barber, and he came with his legs all broken from being dragged by the ox cart after having too much mead? yeah, what about it? that was awesome. that was a long time ago. Steve, you want my lines for our scene? we have a sketch together. is it on cue cards? I guess so. Well, what's the problem? Mr. Martin, before I go, I was wondering if I found this in wardrobe, and I was wondering if you could sign it. it's my old King Tut costume. I remember this. this is back when the show meant something. back when I used to care. Mr. Martin?
Steve? something's out there. something's in the air. don't know how, don't know why. got a feeling tonight's the night. I'm actually gonna try. not gonna phone it in tonight. not gonna go through the motions tonight. this time I'm really gonna do the best I can. Mr. Cube card man, put those down over there. for some reason tonight I care. that's right. that's why I'm not gonna phone it in tonight. not gonna read my screenplay during the songs tonight.
I can walk through my parts and still be hilarious. I've done it so often before. But look at these faces, look at this fat guy. he wants more, he wants more. I'm not that fat, please. So many times I faked it just because I could. I'm that good. that good.
But 20% won't do tonight. Mr. Martin, I'll do it for you tonight. gonna do something different tonight. something says not to just feel fat tonight. I don't have any lines. I'm not in the show. But something tells me that if I were, I'd be raring to go. Not gonna get liquored up tonight. not gonna have a drink tonight. I'm not gonna drink till update is through. that's a promise to you if you are. Yes, after the show. I'll drink till I spew. But for now, I'm still headed for you. I hide behind these wigs and this makeup. But tonight I'm gonna let myself shine through. Yes, they're gonna see the real Phil Hartman tonight. I wouldn't do that, Phil. Okay. follow me, everyone. let's go make an effort. not gonna have dead air tonight. gonna seem as if we care tonight.
But Steve, why do you care? aren't you rich? I'm worth 17 million. I could buy and sell you and you and you a thousand times over.
But tonight there's a show to do. Five minutes to a monologue, Mr. Martin. Thanks, Joe. I can't ever get fired. I've got a union job. but somehow tonight it doesn't matter that I'm in with the mob. Move our feet, Lauren S. Goodnight. we're gonna move our fat t-shirts tonight. this way. Steve, what's going on? we're gonna do our best tonight, Lauren. What? the show's on automatic pilot. I don't even come in till Saturday.
Lauren, don't you see? that's not the way it was in the 70s. back in the 70s, people cared. they believed in something. now it's the 80s and everything's yuppy, yuppy, yuppy. spend, spend, spend. I believe it's the 90s. whatever.
The point is, I've always wanted to see how good I could be. I just want to know. Then go, Steve, go and do a great show.
Thank you, Lauren. I've never felt so right. God, I feel young again. I feel 38. come on, everybody. we're gonna learn our lives, do our parts well. then we'll go back to coasting, but not while Steve knows.
Oh, we're not gonna blow it into life. not gonna sleep one through tonight. I made it happen. Steve made it happen. now it's inside. now it's inside. it's Saturday night. |
dropout | any_given_puppy_bowl | Gentlemen, this is the most important game of your lives. This is a puppy bowl. And it is be cute or hit the bricks. Now, folks who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials will watch us turn the Super Bowl. And you can rest assured, folks who watch the Super Bowl for the Super Bowl will be watching us turn the commercials.
You think you're hot shit because you got a $20 million U-Kanuba contract? You're out of game. How's that Lamb & Rice formula taste? Now get! You're making the team cuddly when I'll play you to make the team snuggly. You get me?
Coach Tucker has got to be sweating. His star, Nuzler Marbles, is out for the season with worms. Games changed, Randy. First they start with the kitty halftime shows. Now they've got hamsters flying around in blimps like huddle little stock ovens. My puppy does not play second string. But he will eat string if you leave it out.
So be careful. You want to be the alpha? Chew it. That's a good job. You're tearing this team apart! You're tearing that shoe apart! We need a new game plan.
I want to see puppies splashing around water bowls with other puppies. I want to see puppies playing tug of war with two toys with other puppies. And I want to see puppies taking naps using other puppies as pillows.
Who's a good boy? You're all good boys. But tonight, I need you to be great boys.
It doesn't say anywhere in the rule book that a human can't play football. |
dropout | ch_labs_google_search | Oh, hi. Welcome to College Humor Lads.
Did you know when you type something in a Google search bar, it automatically provides the most popular search terms? It's an interesting way to find out what people are looking for online. Let's take a look. Let's type in dogs. The most popular search terms are dogs for sale, dogs breeds, and dogs 101. People are obviously using the internet to find and learn about their pet dogs. Let's try another. Let's type in cats. The most popular search terms are cats and dogs, cats cradle, and cats in the cradle. Cats obviously aren't as popular a search term as dogs since they're grouped with dogs in the first search term. The second and third search terms aren't even about cats, but rather about the popular kids game, cats cradle. Let's try one more.
Let's type in hot midget on midget action. The most popular search term is hot midget on midget action under four feet, showing that most people's definition of midget is under four feet tall. The second most popular search term is under three feet, showing that there's an audience for even smaller people having sex. And the third most popular search term is underwater.
That's it for this edition of College Humor Lads. |
cracked | people_think_drew_barrymore_crossed_a_major_line | At the beginning of the strike, she said, I have listened to the writers in order to truly respect them and will pivot from hosting the MTV Movie and TV Awards, live in solidarity with the strike. That's what she said back on May 4th. Maybe she just didn't know what standing in solidarity with the strikers really meant. Like, you can't go back to work, even if you decide to miss hosting a movie award ceremony. And maybe the producers in the studios, aka the enemy, pressured her into going back to work.
That's just what we can assume. You can comment on how you really feel about this if you want.
But her postponement has pushed other talk shows into postponing their premieres as well. So before you get all pissed off that your favorite shows like The Talk and the Jennifer Hudson show are not gonna be airing right away, let's give Drew a nice pat on the back for this and turning course here.
And maybe before you go making any other statements about how well you listen to people over and over again, trying to listen to them for the first time. And you don't need to act like your character in 51st dates and have short-term memory loss. And know that we definitely don't have short-term memory loss, so we will remember that you were listening and listen to me loud and clear. I was like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. |
dropout | Getting_Fired_For_Completing_the_Project | Congratulations, everyone. You've saved the world.
Hmm? What?
The portal is closed and Galatax is gone.
All thanks to you. Uh, since when? This morning! Yay!
It feels a little anti-climactic. Yeah, I don't think we actually did anything. Okay, yeah, well, who cares, right?
I mean, the fighting is over and now the Ultra Mechatron team is ready for a brand new era. The era of unemployment.
What? No! Seriously? Are you serious? Are you firing us? Is this a con?
The team existed for one reason and one reason only, to stop Galatax. With that done, we don't really need a hundred ton robot that costs millions of dollars.
Do something! What are you all supposed to take that robot? You can't be, like, all that kind of thing. Don't worry. You don't have to leave immediately. Oh, well, thank God. You have until Friday. What?
That's more than enough time to finish, like, half of your Cobra paperwork. Papers? Now go. Fulfill your final mission. Clean out your cockpits. Okay, alright.
Oh, and when you're filing for unemployment, don't forget that technically you're interns. So it's true.
You're evil. I'm not evil.
I am just like anyone else. If you had the opportunity to make the world exactly what you wanted to be, wouldn't you take it? The only difference between you and me is that I have seen the road map and you are driving blind.
Well, we'll stop you. We're the chosen four. Yeah. You need to be. Wouldn't you take it? The only difference between you and me is that I have seen the road map and you are driving blind. Well, we'll stop you. We're the chosen four. Yeah. |
dropout | blackberry_bbm_text_roulette | We're going to play a little game called BBM Text Roulette. We're going to go out into the street and find a stranger and have them flip a coin. On one side it says BBM and the other it says text. We will then take that stranger's blackberry and pick one of their contacts. The stranger will have to spin the wheel and we will text whatever they land on to that contact.
They then must wait five minutes before they can explain that it was a fake message. And if they wait the five minutes, they'll win $100. There's also a free space which means they could get $100 for doing nothing.
That's everything. So now let's go screw with some people. Here we are at BBM Text Roulette with our lovely contestant Sally. Now let's flip the coin.
It's a text. A text? It's a text.
Nick Brown. Who's Nick Brown?
He's someone who hit on me while I was working for him once. Wow. Nick Brown is going to get a message saying, Hey, if a guy named Big Anthony calls looking for me, just say I moved LOL.
I'm in trouble. I don't think I want to do this. Are you going to pull the plug? No.
It's $100. Now send it. Send.
Start the clock. Five minutes. All right. Five minutes is up. Five minutes. We've waited the five minutes.
Nick Brown responded. He wrote what? With a question mark. I'm scared of this guy. Do I have to explain?
You can just leave it forever. Yeah. I think you can just leave it. Leave it up in the air.
Here you are. $100. Courtesy of Big Anthony. Blackbird. Here we are with Fox, you guys, who already wins at life for having the coolest name ever. Ready to spin the wheel? Here we go. Really? We're going to be here for a while.
How many people are in the Beatles? Everyone is making fun of me because I don't know.
I'm looking for a woman's name. Mackenzie Alpert.
Okay. Sure. It would be strange for him to get this from me. Oh, this is a dude? Oh, damn. I guess that a lot. Yes, because it's a girl's name. Sent.
Now we wait. Five minutes is up.
He is not BBM newback. I'd like to call him. Get him up.
Is that it? I don't know. I just said it. It sounds like something a guy named Fox would say. Hey, Mack, it's Fox. I don't know if you got my message earlier.
Rest assured, I know there are four members in the Beatles. It's part of a Blackberry BBM contest. I have a microphone in my mouth.
No, face. Man, I can only imagine what Mackenzie thinks you're on right now. Let's be like, this guy ate a fistful of pills and just started doing stuff. Here is your $100. Get him up. We are here with James. So what do you think? You want to play? Definitely. Here we go. What are you hoping for other than the free space?
I saw one about a chemical burn. Don't tell anyone I told you, but we're throwing you a surprise party tonight. Try to act surprised.
There it is. BBM. We're in the list here, the BBM list. Do you like this one?
Who's Jill Steinbrecher? She is an old co-worker.
Is she going to be confused, excited by this? I think very excited and quite confused.
Okay. Today's her birthday, so this really works out. All right, sent.
Five minutes. Start the clock. All right, our five minutes are up.
So James gets to call his friend Jill and explain what happened. You saw that she read it. She definitely read the message.
What is it? It's a Blackberry game show, and I lied to you. We're not throwing you a party. I apologize. Okay, bye-bye.
That sounded extremely awkward. That was horrible.
There you go, sir. Thanks for playing. So we are here with Allie. All right, Allie? You climb up as high as you can and spin the wheel.
I can't hold this in any longer. I love you. I always have, always will.
Now I'm looking for a dude, Matt Amster. Who's Matt Amster?
He's like my boyfriend's best friend, who I spend a lot of time with. Oh, this is perfect. I love it. What if he BBM's you back, and he's like, you know what? I feel the same way.
Sent to Matt Amster. Now we wait. Okay? The five minutes are up. Have we heard back from Matt? No. He might be sleeping in Brazil. Why?
He got that BBM. He just threw his phone in the air, and he ran to the airport.
I think I'm just going to do a just kidding. A just kidding reads like, you know what? I shouldn't have said that. Yeah, yeah. I'm a little drunk, and I just maybe admitted something I didn't want to admit.
What's your boyfriend do? He's an insurance broker. That's so boring. This Matt dude is down in Brazil having the time of his life.
So you've chosen to reply with, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm from a game show. This sounds like a BBM that should be on the list. You have won yourself $100 at the cost of your relationship. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Bunnings_New_Policy_The_Minister_For_Karens_NSW_Dusts_Off_The_Face_Masks_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bullet and you're joined by myself, Clancy Overell, editor of the Batutah Advocate. Of course, with me today is Errol Parker, editor-at-large.
How are you, Errol? I'm good, Clancy. How are you? Mate, I'm doing alright.
Praying this lockdown 2.0 doesn't take place. I hope they can keep together down there. What's in the news, Wendell? Plenty in the news. Errol, it's all still happening.
We'll start off with some national news which has originated from down south and made its way across the country. Bunnings have announced its staff induction will now include a crash course on the 1948 Charter of Human Rights. Oh yeah, because this of course comes in the wake of the Bunnings Karens down there in Melbourne who refuse to wear masks in the store and that's caused Bunnings to implement a new module involving a bit of constitutional law and human rights stuff for their staff. Which will be able to be completed online in a few short weeks or could be completed by joining an online Facebook conspiracy group. Ken and James left a good comment on that story saying, will Bunnings be running a DIY workshop on this on the weekend? Been meaning to tidy up some charters around the home for a while. Moving along to our next story and the flow on effect from the Bunnings incident has led to a big political story.
Scott Morrison has named Michaelia Cash as the newly created minister for Karens. Yes, the Western Australian Senator has gotten the nod and she's the perfect fit really, middle aged, privileged, financially pretty well off and of course she's got that sensational two tone, the highly hair sprayed helmet. Well all I can say is look out police, school teachers and minimum wage workers because Karens finally have representation in our parliament.
How good and some news from elsewhere around our divided nation and New South Wales residents have dusted off their face masks they bought in simpler times when everything was on fire. Yes, New South Wales is looking very, very, very spicy right now if you ask me. As we go live it looks like a lockdown down there is inevitable and in light of that residents are sighing and getting on with it by donning the face masks they bought back in January when everything was on fire. And you might say a pandemic that is ruining everyone's way of life and has a pretty heavy mortality rate might be on par with the fires the nation had at the start of the year but the reason the fires were simpler and easier to handle is because we had test cricket. We had our cricketers to rely on and cheer us up and we don't have that right now. I guess if you're looking for something positive in light of all of this at least the pandemic hasn't killed 3 billion native animals. And Rob Myers dropped a comment on that one saying back when anyone could escape the stress of a mega fire with a quick overseas getaway to somewhere like say Hawaii. I know what you're getting at Rob.
Elsewhere around New South Wales is where our next story comes from the headline on that one reads freezing Byron kid wonders if head to toe cream linen outfit is appropriate for late July. Yes, an insta famous Northern Rivers child is this week questioning her role in mums micro influencer lifestyle and wellness empire. The unvaccinated toddler daughter of two stay at home narcissists with deep seated addictions to social media endorphin triggers says all she wants to do is wear a Polly blend or the Explorer onesie, but this would go against her mother's creative direction. I'd argue head to toe cream linen isn't appropriate for any month, especially after Labor Day cleansing.
Be careful Errol they'll kick you out of a tuna grove if they hear you say that. Rounding out the week with a bit of a local story now and a bored 25 year old is at a loss at what to do with his life now moving to London is off the table. Like many other yuppies, the rite of passage is, you know, a year or so living with other Aussies in London and that's now obviously off the table and one of the people we spoke to Adam says he doesn't really know what to do now. Maybe a triathlon or an interesting brewing beer or maybe you could start wearing a paddy cap. Who knows? He's got he's got that quarter life crisis on his hands and that sounds like a whopper, especially if you can't just run away to London or New York.
Well I'll be sure to keep an eye on Adam as this story goes on. If he starts to develop, you know, an addiction to the internet and, you know, a fascination with guns, I'll be sure to let the authorities know. And that's all from us this week here in the Diamond Tina. Until next week, my name is Errol Parker. I'm Clancy Overall Hooroo. My name is Arnold Arcy. |
dropout | honest_interracial_date_ch_shorts | Raphael, I hope it's you, otherwise I look like I just walked up to the first black guy I saw. Of course it's me. I'm the only black guy here. Hi. Sorry.
I just want to say that this is awesome. This is awesome.
Weird. I know I was on time, but I feel like I should apologize for showing up later than you. Not a problem. I'm only 10 minutes early because I'm paranoid about perpetuating the stereotype of black people being late. Cool. Good for you two. I think this is really important. I can't tell if you're just a genuinely nice person, or if you're being overly nice to me. Oh no, I'm like really chill.
Uh, I will have an exotic sounding dish to show how worldly I am. And for the gentleman, let me take it upon myself to point out all the spicy items in the menu. I'm assuming you have a high tolerance for spicy food. I'll have literally anything but the fried chicken.
Oh, but it's like so good. Oh, it looks good.
But again, the stereotype thing. I've seen what's going on here and I'm totally cool with it. Me too. We are so progressive.
I feel like I should ask you about your family or your background, but I'm a little worried that might be a sore subject. I just hope you know you don't have to mention- Get out! Damn it! Now that I've brought up get out, I'm really regretting it. We can change a subject. Well, I wish we could, but I can't.
Our babies would be so cute. Oh, goodness. Yeah. It kind of feels like you're saying our babies would be cute because I added white to them, as opposed to the freaks I might produce otherwise.
Ooh, just a heads up, I'm probably gonna use the word dope a lot, even though I've never used it before in my life. I really wish you wouldn't. Dope, dope, dope, dope. Hey, is this some sort of fetish type thing? I don't know. Either way, I'm still damn. Your fish and chips and hot sauce you didn't ask for. Motherfucker. I'm gonna use it, but still. |
dropout | sexually_confused_ninja | your reign of terror ends here father stay back Lee this is between me and the black eagle father farewell white falcon father Lee listen to me you must avenge me father it's time that you became a man as I lay here dying okay father now go fill my last request avenge me as you wish father what are you doing it will all be over soon father get way after undo my belt doesn't make any what are you doing I'm avenging you father oh you're not father see your strength what do you think avenge means father what do you think avenge means I don't wish to disgrace your last moments by describing such vulgarities now let me get these pants off you vulgar what's vulgar about tell me what you think avenge means Lee it's when a son puts his mouth on his father no no no no no what Jesus Christ no how long have you thought that did the black eagle tell you that father that's what it means I know what I'm doing oh you don't know what you're doing but you always taught me as a family thing it is a family thing I avenged my father and he avenged his father before him so from the clues and context you deduced and readily embraced the notion that to avenge meant to suck your own father you idiot yes I have no son father I have no smart son okay okay so avenge does not mean celebrate right what avenge does not mean celebrate that's true but what do you think celebrate means to drink of your father no yes it does no it doesn't oh Lee I don't have much time what other words do you think mean that what no son of mine is going around thinking words mean that when they don't okay construction means that no that means to build a create next really marathon is a race race to get to your father no I guess conceivably but not necessarily swimming is how people get through water must have been really confusing when we were celebrating me winning that swimming marathon huh yes more words hurry a trinket no horse no fellatio that means yes that means that that's the only word you've said this entire time that means that I wasn't even sure about that one my expectations are very low at this point but I am proud of you okay listen to me avenge verb to seek retribution for the wronging of a loved one thank you father I will avenge you good you're not gonna know no I get to know not gonna suck my dick are you no father good go restore honor to your family yes father I will you do know that restore honor to your family means have sex with the black eagle right no don't listen to him white falcon know this as long as I live I will never stop trying to have sex with your son |
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