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TheOnion | Tom_Brady_Mark_Sanchez_Prepare_For_Jets_Pats_Matchup_By_Having_Sex_With_Each_Other | Welcome back to The Face, get out of it and so forth, Reggie Greengrass is here for some reason.
Let's play What's That Cloud Look Like. First cloud floating by.
That's Tom Brady and Mark Sanchez. Pats and Jets renew their rivalry Sunday and the two quarterbacks have been preparing by having sex with each other all week. The best way to get the upper hand on a rival is to gather the most intimate knowledge possible. They get together after practice, have sex in a variety of positions and fall asleep in each other's arms before beginning again the next day. Two very attractive men who know that if you want to win, you need to get in your opponent's head and wear him out by humping him nonstop for seven days straight. Oh shut your thin mouth, what happened to the real rivalries? Bart Starr, Johnny Unitas only had sex once, years after they retired. That's just today's NFL. Brady gives Sanchez an orgasm, Sanchez tries to give Brady a better one. Then they go back and forth until they have to go into the kitchen and drink some water. Brady should stick to banging his teammates like Julian Edelman and the Gronkowski's. Don't underestimate Rex Ryan here.
He's in the film room, clothes off, watching these two have sex and getting off as many times as his little penis will allow him. Name the next clown.
That's Eli Manning who was rewarded for beating the Pats with a four day pass to the NFL's elite quarterback club. Eli's had the opportunity to exercise with Aaron Rodgers in the world class gym, drink smoothies with Drew Brees, chat in the oak panel library with Joe Montana. It's a nice change from hanging out at the Y with David Guerard.
Sure, he held on to beat the Pats with a last second TD, but that should earn him two days max. Maybe he comes back as a tour group with Joe Flacco and Tony Romo. Not Romo! They keep prematurely giving Tony Romo a pass at the beginning of every season and then have to sheepishly ask for it back two weeks later. Come on, Eli is not responsible enough for a club like this.
He's going to draw Giants logos all over the table top. He'll probably spend most of the time eating chicken nuggets and staring at the statue of Roger Staubach.
But he earned it. This clown is a word. Read it. That's the word flag.
It's been announced they find referee Al Robertson over the shameful state of his penalty flag, which has been absolutely disgusting since the referee's divorce six months ago. It's just nasty. Robertson's flag has deteriorated significantly these past few weeks, turning up with grease stains and bits of food on it. He's got to make a clean break and throw that thing in the garbage. He won't even call false start penalties anymore because he's embarrassed to throw his unkempt flag. And when he does call a penalty, he ends up crying over the stadium PA.
I heard he was living in the instant replay booth. Oh, you're a worthless gossip. Enough.
That's what's that cloud look like dissipating like whatever clouds are made of probably ghosts. They're made of water. Ghosts are made of energy.
Enough God talk. I'm not interested. Joe Montana. It's a nice change from hanging out at the Y with David Guerard.
Sure, he held on to beat the Pats with a last second TD, but that should earn him two days max. Maybe he comes back as a tour group with Joe Flacco and Tony Romo. Not Romo. They keep prematurely giving Tony Romo a pass at the beginning of every season and then have to sheepishly ask for it back two weeks later. Come on, Eli is not responsible enough for a club like this.
He's going to draw Giants logos all over the table top. He'll probably spend most of the time eating chicken nuggets and staring at the statue of Roger Staubach.
But he earned it. All right, this cloud is a word. Read it. That's the word flag.
The NFL announced they fined referee Al Robertson over the shameful state of his penalty flag, which has been absolutely disgusting since the referee's divorce six months ago. It's just nasty. Robertson's flag has deteriorated significantly.
Joe Montana. It's a nice change from hanging out at the Y with David Guerard.
Sure, he held on to beat the Pats with a last second TD, but that should earn him two days max. Maybe he comes back as a tour group with Joe Flacco and Tony Romo. Not Romo. They keep prematurely giving Tony Romo a pass at the beginning of every season and then have to sheepishly ask for it back two weeks later. Come on, Eli is not responsible enough for a club like this.
He's going to draw Giants logos all over the table top. He'll probably spend most of the time eating chicken nuggets and staring at the statue of Roger Staubach.
But he earned it. All right, this cloud is a word. Read it. That's the word flag.
The NFL announced they fined referee Al Robertson over the shameful state of his penalty flag, which has been absolutely disgusting since the referee's divorce six months ago. It's just nasty. Robertson's flag has deteriorated significantly these past few weeks, turning up with grease stains and bits of food on it. He's got to make a clean break and throw that thing in the garbage. He won't even call false start penalties anymore because he's embarrassed to throw his unkempt flag. But when he does call a penalty, he ends up crying over the stadium PA.
I heard he was living in the instant replay booth. Oh, you're a worthless gossip. Enough.
That's what's that cloud look like, dissipating like whatever clouds are made of probably ghosts. They're made of water. Ghosts are made of energy.
Enough God talk. I'm not interested. Living in the instant replay booth. Oh, you're a worthless gossip. Enough.
That's what that cloud look like dissipating whatever clouds are made of probably ghosts. They're made of water. Ghosts are made of energy.
I'm not interested |
SaturdayNightLive | judge_horace_saturday_night_live | In my neighborhood, we had to make do with what we had. So that's why I used things right around my house to rob people, you know, broomstick, garbage can, anything.
I had been arrested several times and definitely headed for the penitentiary. What had changed everything were the words of my mother, Mama Horace, on her deathbed. she told me that if you don't change your life, I'm going to beat the crap out of you. I bring a touch of tough love and compassion into the courtroom. Also, bring this fourth, fifth, because I know ghetto is ghetto.
And when I say order, the court orders in the court, Ok? sometimes you got to lick shots at cats. You heard? Real justice, Judge Horace. the plaintiff is suing his ex-girlfriend for outstanding gym dues. he agreed to pay his girlfriend's gym dues if she lost weight, but she, in fact, gained 60 pounds in two months. he's suing for $1,500. the defendant claims that she thought the agreement was a joke, and she told her ex-boyfriend early in the relationship that she could never lose weight due to the fact that she suffers from the Elephant Man disease and has a slight marijuana problem. All rise for the honorable Judge Horace. All right now, I got to do this judge thing, right? you two meet me back in my chambers. Get. sweet like Bear Meade. y'all sit down before I slap the doodle out of you. I read here, the plaintiff, Joe Blow, is suing his ex-girlfriend for gym dues. He occurred. your name is Joe Blow? Yes, your honor.
You serious about that name, man? what the hell is Joe Blow? I used to do porno as a teenager, and the name just stuck. Man, what kind of porno was you doing with the name Joe Blow?
Actually, your honor, I'd rather not get into that right now. Man, just plead your case before I throw your freaky-dicky ass out of my courtroom.
Ok, your honor. my ex-girlfriend said she was going to the gym to lose weight, so I agreed to pay the gym dues. but her can got bigger than when she went to the gym. it was like they were passing out Ben and Jerry's on a treadmill. that's a lie, your honor. shut your big ass. your turn is coming. So then what happened? So then I come to find out this wide ride wasn't even going to the gym. she took my money and bribed a shift manager at Mcdonald's to work the fry machine two hours a day. Pretty Ricky, take this filly and roll me a blunt, son. What you got to say about this here, Sim Shady?
I told Joe early in the relationship, I couldn't lose weight. once I tried to lose weight in summer camp and I got a headache. boo-boo, that's as dumb as a bowl of mice. Thank you, your honor. Also, he called me a lard ass in front of my eighth grade class. you a teacher? No, I'm still in eighth grade. So you are fat and stupid. Yes, your honor. But he knew I couldn't lose weight, your honor. come on. yeah, Tiny over here got a point. you knew in the beginning she was big. in the beginning of the relationship, your honor, she told me she fell asleep on a hornet's nest and the swelling was going to go down in the air. Now come on, man. you didn't know she was blotaceous?
I'm not fat. I'm big, bone dead. Hey, boo-boo, your bones are so big, they could put them in the museum.
Now hush, you was physically attracted in the beginning, right? Yeah, once you get past the sweating and the layers, she's kind of hot. Mr. Blow, we all enjoy the Big Badonkadonk. But this is about justice. Here is my verdict.: you get nothing because you knew she wasn't going to lose no weight. she sweats in the shower, man.
And you, I've got a boy named Shadow who likes big broads. he's going to tap that fat ass. Sir, your blunt is ready. Oh, good looking pretty, Ricky. Oh, yeah, call Kool-aid my Bob and tell him coming over to get a cut, and you ought to make sure her chunky behind doesn't break anything in my courtroom.
I'm out. I got to go smoke my blunt.
Judge Boris, a real ass judge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah. |
cracked | why_michelle_obama_could_be_president_cracked_responds | So we a couple weeks ago did we cover the whole Republican National Convention for topical cure our new show that you hosted I did yeah, and then we just off for a week, right? Yeah, we really just watched it let it sink in just Well, I was very worried during Bernie Sanders speech that he wasn't gonna get around to finally endorsing Hillary He really took the longest route there. Yeah, I mean he really went through What looked like it was gonna be another Ted Cruz moment It was very scary for a moment and then he finally got around to it By the way, the DNC never really found their stride with the chance. There's chaos in the California delegation They chanted things like Joe a lot. Yeah, there's a lot of Bernie or bus There's a lot of Bernie or Jill Stein, which is less compelling as a chance chance can't be a series of options Right that you need you need a very specific point. I can't be like Bernie or Jill or Jerry Johnson They knew there's going to be a lot of anti Hillary pro Bernie chance, so they were they handed out chant guidebooks Like if someone starts chanting this you should chant this cuz they were trying to find things that would like lock her up Really like hit the her on the DNC side and like her And try to like sway the tide of chance to your side If you're a young idealist don't stop crying stop crying during every single speech. You're just steering into your own stereotype You're not you're encouraging people like the bullies inside everyone to be like, no, I can't deal with this party It's just a bunch of tubular kids.
I said sore in an email last night I like here are a bunch of things that I wanted to Cover and I'm like bang bang bang bang bang. Here are the things that I want to hit and then he replied like yeah We should those things also.
I feel like we should mention Tim Cain Sarah Cain at all. I completely forgot Tim Cain I'm gonna like come out and say some very basic bland white guy talking points and then go with that Like that's it. Yeah, that's the impression that he made on it His faint enthusiasm is really transparent and he's just doesn't feel anything about anything and he's perfect Right Hillary's running me right. He's so milk toast that he cannot offend anyone. There were so many people circling the terrain of Being Hillary's VP that could have been interesting Cory Booker Elizabeth Warren was talked about Tom Perez was talked about for a while and Tim Cain is like nope. We picked a really safe white guy and he seems like he's just sitting there like I Don't want to do anything wrong because we have a really good shot of me being in the White House and otherwise I don't have a career so I'm gonna just like keep quiet and like nod and smile and and and drop in some Spanish and then like hide For five months until the debates just go dormant Joe Biden was sort of a safe choice as well But then Joe Biden went on to say some really clunky things. Yeah all the way through this DNC until right now Joe Biden trotted out his greatest hits.
He said malarkey. That's a bunch of malarkey got a standing O for San But speaking of greatest hits that were trotted out or almost trotted out in this case Howard Dean walked us to the brink. Yeah, and then didn't deliver It was I think him trying to like retcon what happened He came out and he did his and we're gonna win in Pittsburgh We're gonna win in Virginia and everyone sitting there like he's gonna do that famous pia that destroyed him Then he just stopped after like in Florida and then walked away I think like a smile like and we're all there. I'm there must have been people sitting the audience like No, no. No the thing that we liked about that was that was the PI It wasn't that you mentioned Pittsburgh.
You maniac is that you shrieked like an insane person kids watching at home There used to be a time when a politician could do one weird thing and that was enough to destroy his career Also, we should talk about Michelle Obama. Oh my god, Michelle Obama was so great everything She says feels so earnest. I don't know necessarily if it is, but it definitely feels that way it was it was really almost adorable to watch pundits try their very best to tear her apart because she did this very moving speech about living in the White House a place that was built by slaves and she gets to watch her children play on the White House lawn And then pundits came out and they're like Those slaves were well well fed right? No, some of those slaves were probably Irish like that's like No, man, I've seen roots I was actually upset during it watching it that she couldn't be Hillary's wife like that. We couldn't have another four years of Michelle.
Yeah, I was like, how do I how do I work this? the part of the convention that really I'll say hit hit the wrong note. It was the comes the Montage a cappella song of this is my fight song. Holy shit. All right. I say this to someone. I love Elizabeth Banks. I Was in an award-winning a cappella group throughout college. It's in that group Casual harmony. What's up? Cuz like casual sex like there's no there's no strings attached and casual sex and like casual harmony. There's also no strings in that You got there eventually that's great I really didn't feel like I was held hostage by that song. It was very uncomfortable because there was a lot of feigned Emotion in it and there was a lot of like real synthetic enthusiasm Yeah, like people like showing their shirt like we need a hero who's a woman and at the end you just have Sia Who like far and away has a better voice than anybody else there?
And all she does is whisper Hillary go Hillary as though like we couldn't get there on her own like we'll see We need you to do this. We need you to say Hillary. Otherwise, nobody's gonna have any ado who we're talking one of the things that really jumped out at me was Bill Clinton speech. I know a lot of people hate him. I have like a tremendous fondness for Bill Clinton Yeah, of course.
I have a lot of thoughts Way too long. He gave a minute-by-minute recount of 1971 the 1970s the entire 70s. He just went through all of it I know what he was doing He was trying to humanize Hillary and he was trying to like endear everyone to the Clintons as a family So he like his speech was in the framework of this romantic comedy where he was like, huh I met Hillary in 1970 and I was too shy to ask her to marry me But I did and she said no and then asked her a second time And she said no and after a third time and she said yes if it's the president that We all know Had all that sex with all those women who weren't his wife Then it's suddenly uncomfortable because when he saw this story he was like, uh, we were walking down the street You saw how she liked and she was like that's a nice house So I bought it and then I was like I bought you that house you have to marry me And she did and everyone claps But that's like I can hear the echoes of and then I said to her I'm the president and you're an intern So you have to blow me. Yeah, it requires the pretense of monogamy for that, right? I really wanted that speech to start with back in 1971. I met a woman She exuded confidence in a way that I couldn't go up and talk to her Anyway, four years later, I met Hillary You know the one That was just that would just be it but balloons.
Yeah balloons everyone We're still making these. Yeah, where the fuck have you been though? Hey everyone, thanks for watching that join us next week when we'll be covering the Green parties national convention all of our sick Jill Stein jokes. I got a lot. Yeah We should there's a green party convention. Ooh, just a bunch of tumbler gifts |
dropout | blade_runner_is_nerd_homework | from Boba Fett to Boba Boba Boba Boba Boa nerds are passionate about a lot of things but there's something they love above all else that is correcting people this is um actually joining us today we have Matt Mercer ah Becca Scott it is my great honor to be here and John gabris Mahalo bro and he's got the aloha shirt and he's saying Mahalo cultural appropriation from your boy Aloha's a very well-known Hawaiian phrase and he went from Mahalo I don't know what a what a great crew we have here all of you previous contestants all of you have won at least one episode before so this should be a nice fun battle royale easy breezy battle fun as many times before we do it it's fun like my mom on a ride to a museum yeah we're gonna learn but it's going to be fun you've all been on the show before so you know the rules but for any new viewers at home it's very simple this I have here a stack of statements these are untrue statements about things that you enjoy it's up to you to find what's wrong with them buzzin and correct me all your corrections have to be preceded by the phrase um actually and you can interrupt me at any point during the question reading in Philip K dicks do androids dream of electric sheep Rick Deckard is a blade runner specialized bounty hunter that finds and retires escaped rogue androids um actually they're not androids they're that other thing that's in Blade Runner they are called replicants but they are they they are androids if we're gonna use like a generalized definition of androids yes Matt I'm actually that was the point I was about to make well I already took it from you they are androids they're called replicants but they're essentially you know if we're talking like a general definition of what an Android is there read it again yeah I'm actually that is the plot of the movie Blade Runner which is not the actual plot of the book which from electric sheep there the I am describing a position and not not necessarily the plot and then it is it is sort of the kind of same thing um actually he prefers the name Dick Deckard it's like it's like putting a bunch of dice in your mouth Dick Deckard a really hard uncomfortable sound that I insist all my friends refer to me as no it is it is it is Rick Deckard and I will say this is also an incredibly tricky weird bit of trivia that I'm sure I use actually he doesn't retire them he just issues the test to determine if they are replicants well if they're not he does retire them yeah he does he does retire them he does put them on a farm where they can run around for a while and have a good that's where they are no why replicant actually went to a farm no points I'm gonna I'm gonna lay this a little bit of save us please so in in the book do Andrews dream of electric sheep the term Blade Runner does not ever appear that is not a term that exists and in fact the term Blade Runner was borrowed wholesale from a completely different book there is a book that is that is called Blade Runner that makes sense with that title that is about like a post-apocalyptic future where people are like where surgeons are like stealing organs and things like that using their scalpels and thing that's where the name Blade Runner comes from nowhere in the original book like some executive was just like ah this sounds cool we'll make that the title of executive in a meeting who's like yeah I read the book Blade Runner and they're like we got to go with this asshole's idea now he's too high on the ladder some VP just a stack of things they might want to adapt like Blade Runner right yes sir we're talking about Blade Runner Blade Runner was a movie I tried five times like I tried to get into it when I was like 13 yeah 16 19 and it took the new Blade Runner coming out for me to rewatch the original giving it my fifth try finally enjoyed it I felt it was like my nerd homework I was like no I had it was like Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time I'm gonna get to it I am ashamed to say the same thing I was just like cuz everyone's like this is the best and it's like I don't hide that I am so bored right now maybe require having a lot of copious free time and not only has to do as a child you appreciate the movie which I had so I enjoyed it thoroughly sitting alone in my room I also I think like I I recognize that this is the like minority opinion that I'm wrong here but it's like one of those things which is like you like I'm feeling like such a like an idiot where someone's like it's not so it's such an amazing movie like I'm really bored yeah I don't want to tell anyone that though yeah they'll think I'm dumb was there narration or no narration cuz that's I tried I tried both over the years I finally found one and people are like well you know this is the problem no you got to watch the director's directors this is five hours long you'll love it did you really read all of Wheel of Time that's like 20 bucks I'm like six books in but I had to take a break because it's boring no character makes a decision ever they don't make a choice I haven't started them because I know that even though it's like all this iconic fantasy series and it's just like it does it's like yeah it feels like nerd homework it's like I know I should read this and I just I'd rather well when people tell you it gets really good at book seven that's a hard sell. It's 2800 pages I have to get through to enjoy this book. Fuck that.
Jump over to the Stormlight Archives or even maybe in the name of the wind you know change yourself right get crazy yeah okay we'll move on to our next question which is about video games here hey listen the Zelda series is full of helpful fairies who can heal you provide you with information or improve your gear while some of these are unnamed others like Tingle Navi and Tatl are important characters in their own right. Um actually Tatl is not an important character well you know they're it's a named character we can make it that's a little bit subjective but no it's not what we're going for here Matt. Um actually Tingle is not a fairy but it's just a creepy little dude in a weird spandex suit that rides him loose. That is correct Tingle is not a fairy he is a 35 year old man which I love because I feel like we see in Tingle a reflection of ourselves and it is just it's like yeah I too am a man in my 30s who is a little too obsessed with these fairies and um weird Tingle seems to have pins and needles in his feet from playing video games for seven hours in a row. Tingle seems pre-diabetic I feel like there are people who like hate Tingle it's just like this character sucks and it's like I think maybe you're telling us a little bit about how you feel about yourself yeah self-reflection in video games uh well that is a point for Matt.
Our next question is a special guest question via video so we're gonna throw over to video here. I'm Christian Nairn um as Hodor on HBO's Game of Thrones my lines are pretty limited they consisted of only one word Hodor. It wasn't until season six on the episode The Door that we heard me say other words. Oh Matt Matt Matt Matt does barely beat everyone else yeah. Um actually that occurred in season five not season six. Uh actually it happened in season seven. Uh no that is also incorrect um actually that wasn't there a flashback before that episode where we saw him pre-mental issues. Uh uh that is the episode in question uh that that he's talking about but no no yes uh Matt. Um actually the lines were spoken by the actor who played young Hodor and not Christian. That is correct that is that is some legalese bullshit that we did and you caught us in it. Uh let's go ahead let's let's see your Christian Nairn has to say.
Um actually while the character might have said other words I Christian Nairn I've only said Hodor. Wait I do think it's a little bit of a testament to I just think of it as I think of him as Hodor and it's like he flashed back it's like oh that's just young Hodor of course it's not a different person that's that's still Hodor. I didn't want to break the suspension of disbelief for anyone that's a die-hard fan that that wasn't the same person. Sure yeah I'm such a die-hard fan of the books that I have to believe that the actor is in young man makeup with on his knees like Dorf on golf. Hodor didn't happen in the books.
Yeah drop a Dorf reference back in case you're wondering I'm in my late 30s welcome to dropout. Well that is another point for Matt for finding our dumb little loophole of a question. Can we start over? This is about Pokemon. Oh shit I'm out I was fucking girls when that was on. I was 12. Oh man grew up fast.
Every Pokemon is classified as at least one of 18 types one of the rarest of which is the dragon type weak against ice attacks and other dragon attacks this type includes Dragonite, Salamence, and Charizard. Um dragons are not susceptible to other dragon attacks. They are actually yeah isn't that weird? Matt has beat you to it she came to you. Actually Charizard is a fire type Pokemon not a dragon type. That is correct Charizard the most dragony looking motherfucker is not a dragon type Pokemon.
Is that what you were gonna say? That was literally the one of the five things I know about Pokemon and I only know because when I was like way too old for it Burger King did a promotion and I fucking went and ate two happy meals a day in high school for six months and got every single Pokemon from there. Literally offered tried to trade with like an eight-year-old kid who was at Burger King with their mom and she like ushered him into the car was like sir leave us alone. I was like we need to squirrel. Do you want to line him up on the shelf later while you're fucking talking to us? This is such a hard turn from I was fucking girls. I was eating every every happy meal. What I appreciate is that he doesn't know or has admitted to not really understanding or having interest in Pokemon as an actual game or a fandom but those happy meal toys is where you were fucking. I think I was looking for an excuse to eat both a burger and a chicken nuggets every single day. That's it for this preview of um actually. If you enjoyed it I have good news. There's a lot more of it over on dropout go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today and fun fact I'm not wearing any pants right now.
All right these are Lovecraftian elder gods. Now one of them is not a real Lovecraftian elder god. |
dropout | binary | You found me. Welcome.
Welcome to Tales from the Closet, the show about queer people in the closets we come from. If you're currently in the closet, we're here to keep you company. If you're out of the closet, yeah!
Find me on Instagram. Great. We have an amazing show for you today. Three guests I'm extremely excited about.
Let's, honestly, let's just kick it off. I say let's jump right to it.
For those of you at home, I spilled my sandwich. No, I dropped candles. I just like to imagine people at home are always like, what fucking bullshit sound am I going to have to deal with at the top? I don't know what's happening. I also love the idea of lying on a podcast about what is actually happening. Actually, you did not do that.
There's no sandwich. For those of you who are driving around in your car to work, there's no sandwich.
All right, let's kick it off. Emily, why don't you start us off? Who are you? Emily Fightmaster, they them.
I'm proud of Chicago, but I love LA. I like that flair.
I am a musician and drag queen currently living in Austin, Texas. I will say I was next to Ryan for the better part of yesterday and had no idea it was you.
You are gorgeous. Stunning. Thank you. In and out of drag. Yes, your eyes are beautiful. Yes, they really are.
I need those. Travis just took eyes. Oh, I am Travis Coles. Um, I go by he, she, girl. Yes. Queen. Um, yeah, any and all pronouns for me as well.
And I am an actor and a comedian currently living in Los Angeles. And I love it. I love it. And I'm not a proud Chicagoan, but I can't wait to go. I didn't know that's how I was going to introduce myself. I'm happy.
I know they say jump off the cliff and build, build your own parachute. What is it? I hope no one's ever said that to me growing up. It's crazy build your parachute while you die.
Honestly, uh, I think it's a curve on a good thing. I think it's a fucking alcoholic white savior. Uh, great. Uh, well, welcome to the show.
Emily, you're a returner. Emily is our first returner that isn't Grant or Jess who honestly fine.
I'll say it. They're always in the office. Sometimes we just grabbed them to be back on the podcast. I love both of them. So they're a home run every time.
But Emily, you're back. How do you feel about it? I feel excited. Yeah, I feel proud. Yeah. Um, I'm actually, um, honestly of the city of Chicago, but I can't stop getting wet for now. I'm excited to be with two new people and it's good to see you.
Wow.
I'm the old little old toy. No, for those of you all driving around in your car, someone did just drop a sandwich.
Yeah. So we usually we start up at the top, uh, talking about our process of coming out of the closet, what it was like a little tidbit, a little story, a little, you won't believe this happened to me. Um, so do you want to start? I mean, you've already, I think you told us you're gorgeous. Uh, what was it? Cincinnati, like friends on the basketball team coming out. I mean, yeah, I, I don't know how gorgeous it was, but it was definitely a story about coming out. So I guess, um, I will talk about something that's, um, less of a, like a coming out and a sense of the word, but more of, um, coming out like trying to use different pronouns. Oh yes. Um, and because you come out of the closet and then you're like, cool, I'm, there's another door.
There is still not a door and it takes you so long to like figure it out, which is, you know, hard. Um, and there's always that, like, there's no, it feels like there's no room for error. You know, like you can't, like once you ask people, then they're like, well, well, fuck. I mean, if you go back, you're like, make up your mind.
So it's taken me so long, but in like the last two years I have just started hearing, um, like she come out of people's mouth and for some reason, and I don't know really what changed, it has just started to feel like a curse word to me. Um, and it's like different talking to other queer people. Cause I also am like one of those people that calls everyone like bitch, queen, girl, like I love calling, starting with bitch, I call everyone asshole, fuck off. I'm just one of those people. I mean, I'm hundred percent of the time and people are always shocked by the language that I choose to use towards them.
I know exactly what you're saying. Like I, I love a gender play where you're like, Hey girl. But when people are like, ma'am, how many are sitting with you today? You're like, I am not ma'am. Uh, yeah, that's a, that's a really good distinction to make.
Cause there's like a huge difference between like the words that I will use playfully with queer folks and then the words that like in situations where I need to feel comfortable, I just haven't been feeling comfortable and I haven't been feeling comfortable for so long. And I had for the longest time I had, you know, the things that had tied me to womanhood, we're going to get dark right off the bat, but the things that had tied me to womanhood were like my understanding of sexual assault. Yeah. My understanding of being constantly in fear of being sexually assaulted again. Um, and my want to take care of other women. And that is not enough to tie you to a gender.
Totally. It's just fear of being raped. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
And I would say that I also kind of had a notion of, um, I don't want to abandon my female friend, you know, it's like, Oh, there, one thing that I toyed with before, I feel like when I was feeling non-binary, I kind of went through a list of like, well, maybe it's just this, maybe it's not non-binary. Maybe I just like a woman can look like anything. And I represent the spectrum of like butch women and I don't need a new pronoun. I'm still a woman, but it's like, no, it's still no matter what, when someone would say like she or her, it felt, it felt almost like my uncle like at Thanksgiving saying, so Alison, do you have a boyfriend? You know, it's just like, you don't know me at all. Like a deep kind of like hetero understanding. A failure in some way, like getting, I don't know how you feel about it, but like getting called, she was like a failure in a couple of different ways. And one of them was like the failure to present as neutral as I feel.
And failure because every time I heard she, I was reminded of the fact that I am not a good woman. I don't look like a good woman. I am constantly mistaken for anything but a woman. And so to hear just like this constant reminder of like, like the, this womanhood that you're trying to protect, which is too much for anyone when you're just trying to hear your pronouns.
And then this neutrality that you want to have like, I've just done with it. Yeah. I'm asking, I'm asking for it. It's been honest to God, it's been almost harder than coming out the first time. Yes, but I'm here.
Yes, you are still a candle on my leg. There's a small candle on my leg.
That was my anchor. I'm so sorry. I'll put it back.
I truly, I can't even, so many of my friends have told me the same similar situation that you have gone through trying saying that it's, it's almost, it's harder than coming out the first time. And I don't know, I'm just tired of hearing the, the whole argument. Well, you know, we have to wait. Like we can't just put everything out at once. Like let's take care of one issue at a time. And honey, let me tell you something. Um, if I hear that again, I'm gonna, I'm gonna scream at someone because I'm sorry. Like we can't just say, Oh no, we're taking care of this issue right now. We can't, we can't like add on more. I mean the, like, what are they supposed to do? It's like, it's not my responsibility. There are people in the world and we need to take care of everything.
Intersectionality bitch. Excuse me. It's also people who give like the impression of like, this is too much. Oh, now this is too much.
And I was talking to two other like non-binary people because the hospital that I go to, I'm pursuing like top surgery. The doctor was such a breath of fresh air. I had to go in and get a gender assessment where they had to diagnose me with gender dysphoria for my insurance to cover the surgery. And I was like so worried about this, whatever this was going to look like. And I get there and it's a gorgeous gay man who's so kind and is like, hi, welcome. And it was just the sweetest hour breezed by. And then he put me on a panel at the hospital for all the psych people to come to. And it was me and two other non-binary people. And we did a Q and a so that the doctors could get to know non-binary more.
Wow, I love that. It was a really great experience.
And the other two people on the panel were talking about how what stops them from sharing their pronouns are that they're afraid of feeling like too much or a burden, you know? And it's like, I'm sorry, my my grandpa calls his boat, she.
You know, I'm like, people have room. I have an uncle who just changed his name to Max, like out of nowhere. And it's like now I'm Max. And everyone was like, yes, you are.
And it's like, what? And I can't, you know, and like, I'm, well, you'll never use they because it's plural. I don't know.
I truly what you just said about the doctor like gave me such a shiver. I know. I actually just came.
I have to change doctors. I won't say who. But I had an experience where I went to my doctor who has always made me like very uncomfortable, the Sierra Los Angeles.
And he asked me, he said, have you had unprotected sex? And I said, I was honest. I was like, yes.
And then he goes without a beat. He goes, oh, well, so you want to die? And I was like, and I was like, uh, don't do this. And then he kept going.
He's like, you want to die? You want to you're going to die? Or you're probably going to have to like be on drugs that you can't afford. And so you're going to die. So you you're and basically he was just saying, you're going to die of AIDS.
And I was like, okay, you are a doctor. Yes. You should not be giving out this information. Like that information is so false. Yes.
And my dad lived with HIV like my whole life. So I've known all about like, so what he said to me was just so shocking. That's because I it was in Los Angeles and it made me so uncomfortable. And I've always had problems with like straight doctors, to be honest, because I've had situations like this fucking like scared straight mentality of like, so you want to go to jail?
Yeah. That is so I have friends who won't go to any gyno. All of that is very triggering. And like doctors have so much power. I know. And it's so gross.
It's like I, you know, a lot of like midwives I've learned will do like, like pap smears and stuff like that. Like you can just go into a gorgeous, like birthing center and they're able to take care of like all that stuff. So you don't have to like go and sit on like a sheet of wax paper in front of a straight doctor with like one nurse. Have you guys had that before where a second nurse comes in and folds her arms? Like, because they have to do like a buddy system. No, I've actually, I've had that where they're like shadowing.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And you're like, what don't look at me. I know. I think that is specifically though, for like, female biology, they have to have a female nurse or someone or other doctor coming. Exactly. Yeah. By law, because men are predators. Yes. Yeah. Oh my God. I know.
Somehow he wins. And somehow he wins. Absolutely.
And also he gets a producer credit. He owns 51% of the film.
Oh my God. Oh, well, we got to write it up to this. Okay. Well, we're done with you. Bye.
Well, no, it's funny that you bring it up because I was thinking about like how I've come out and I came out pretty early in life. I came out when I was 15 and like it was really, it was relatively easy because I grew up on the East Coast with a family that had had gay people in like either as friends or my great uncle was and like it's still like the regular pressure of like, Oh my God, am I going to get like rejected? Like I really felt that. But I think it's funny just hearing you describe like almost a secondary coming out because in the past like maybe four or five years, like I've just become so aware of the fact that like it wasn't necessarily that I was gay that was looked down upon. It was whether or not I functioned as like in heteronormative society. And so it was like, okay, I have a lot of passing privilege.
Do I act like a straight white guy? You know what I mean? Can I like, it's fine if you want to date whoever you want to date, as long as they look like a straight white guy.
And I think one of like the blessings of coming like I live in Los Angeles for a couple years too, like just meeting a lot of people and then kind of the discoveries I made by doing drag have just been like, Oh, what is going on? Because it feels so I remember the first couple times during drag, it felt so like, dirty, crazy. And just a lot of like, I don't know, covered up emotion that maybe I thought was just like part of me being not evil, but like definitely like not, you know, normative, normative.
Yeah.
And like, so your parents, or maybe not your parents, but you just you do get a pressure that's kind of like, you can be gay, but still be like the powerful majority guy.
I think it not to like, malalign them. Am I using that word correctly? Malign? I don't know. You know what I mean? Not to make that sound because malign. Malign. Thank you. Not to malign them.
It was just very much like, um, they grew up in a time where, like I said, they knew gay people, but they had to hide. You know what I mean? They, there was like a hiding in plain sight, kind of a factor. And like, they just didn't know any better.
Luckily, I'm very blessed to have parents who have kind of taken this journey with me. And now my momma loves my drag and is constantly giving me way too many gyms. So, um, it's been, yeah, it's been nice to, to help kind of both in myself and them kind of come around to understanding a broader queer experience.
But there is like a huge level of like imposter syndrome in the back of my head where it's like, you don't get to be a drag queen. Like you don't get to have this really fun, colorful inner life or outer life for that matter to express yourself because you are a heteronormative white guy in a lot of ways.
I experienced that as well. It's kind of like, are you queer enough? Are you trans enough? Like what percent, you know, and it's like, we're always kind of doing that math in our head when the reality is like, I talked to any queer person. I'm like, Oh, thank God. Like another full queer person. You are a full person, no matter what. And like you touched on it too. It's like when you, when you meet somebody, like you kind of just know, like somebody who like can hang and you're like, Oh, you get what I'm going through. Like, I don't necessarily need to put up. I will say one thing with that is there are some people, and I know that this is debatable, but there are some people who default to they, them pronouns when they don't know the person yet. And whenever that's happened, I've just been like, mentally in my head, like, thank God, who are you? My partner does that. That's how that's how I heard myself get called. They, them for the first time is because my partner like works with a lot of queer people and has dated to non binary or trans people.
And when we first started dating, she was just like, I remember her saying it to her cat. She was like, Oh, do you like them? Do you want them to stick around? I was like, Oh, my goodness. And the cat was like, yes.
Yeah, I love it. I like her. No, that's a woman. But that's so great. Here's what I'll say about that.
I think I 100% hear what you're saying, because I used to have really long hair. And I was just like, I was a pretty woman. And when I cut that hair off, I that was when I really started feeling the effects of being gay. That was when gay became a very hateful, scary place is all of a sudden when I looked gay and was acting gay and was like, butch or not normative. But when I had long hair and I ate pussy, it was everybody's dream. I cut my hair off and all of a sudden, like, you know, people follow me to my fucking car.
You know what I mean? And I think it's the same way with like what you're talking about. Normativity, like when we challenge that, when it's like, you know, you look like fucking Clark Kent girl, but like, the minute that you give up, people get so mad when you give up privilege to explore yourself. And that is what bothers people more than I think being gay itself. It's like when you got a handsome white guy on your hands, why wouldn't you be butch? Well, and I also like in the past couple of years, like I've tried to kind of overcorrect in that way, because, you know, you kind of adopt the social norms of your family and like the people around you. And so, you know, like, it's funny talking about cutting your hair, like I shaved my head bald, and then I grew my hair to my shoulders just to see like, what is it? Like, what am I without anybody around me, you know? And the first time I really felt exposed in that way was when I wasn't necessarily doing drag, per se, I just had like a wig and some makeup. And it was more of just like a queer expression than it was, you know, I'm gonna be on drag race. Like, it was very just going out testing the waters. And even amongst my friends, there's like a couple minutes of just like them readjusting and reacquainting and like they weren't by any means they were super accepting but like they, you can like tell when somebody looks at you almost like they don't know you anymore. You know what I mean?
For a moment. And then it's like that readjustment period of like, Oh, no, this is still the person that I, you know, have come to like become friends with in love. Totally. There's just like a weird.
I feel like I have that with with like groups of friends as I continue to change. I feel like sometimes I'll still drop in with friends who I knew when I was first coming out and was like capital L lesbian.
And now I've like done so much since then that I'm like, Oh, actually, this is what's on my plate right now. This is what I think about gender wise and stuff. And it's just kind of like a catch up game where they're kind of like, Oh, what? You know, I. I really, I don't know. That's so crazy. I didn't your experience and your experience is and your experience as literally the same as my experience with coming out and having like a second kind of coming out and well, because first it's like, okay, I accept this because this is what's acceptable right now. And then I realized for me, like, you know, because my family's from the south or whatever. And I not or whatever.
They're from the south or whatever. They're from somewhere. No, like they're it's the south.
And yeah, I truly when I came out, it was not good. It was not a good experience.
We've grown since then. So I won't talk about like, what happened exactly because it was very, very painful. But yeah, it didn't involve like church therapy and honey. Yeah. And growing up in the church.
But so because of that, because of that kind of shame, the I would looked at a picture of me actually recently at Notre Dame, because my friend was like, Oh, remember when we went to Paris and I'm I'm wearing old Navy. I'm 330 pounds. And this is in college. I'm just like, grumpy clothes.
And I he's, he looks so sad. He is just like the saddest person in one of the most beautiful places.
And I was just like, what was happening? And then I realized that once I started to incorporate the idea that I didn't have to be masculine, like I the whole idea of talk when we started breaking down the walls of toxic masculinity. And when I started stepping into that, you know, it changed everything. And it was really, really scary. And all of a sudden, I, I start to like, love myself again.
But really, I spent a year, like years of my life out, but truly not out because I'm, you know, the guy that's like, lowering his voice and octave and being like, I got to change my voice, like, literally, I would leave, I'd like change my voicemail, it would take me two hours, because I'd be like, this sounds gay. And I don't want it to sound gay. And like, I don't want it to sound like a girl, which internalized homophobia, which leads to just misogyny is a thing that I've had to learn how to deal with.
But once I did drag for this show that I'm in, called David McSpan, that's coming out that my character is a drag mother. And something happened, because I auditioned for that. And I remember I was walking for my callback in drag down Hollywood Boulevard, as this character, the character's name is Miss Elijah. And I was walking down Hollywood Boulevard, next to a group of men who and men scare me so much.
Just in general. Yeah, I'm in it's something about it. And I was in drag. And it something happened. And I was like, No, I am a fucking force. This is who I am.
And I walked in with the most confidence I'd ever had. And I walked into this room and like, there's Terrell McCraney.
He's an Oscar winner. That's Carmen Cuba. This she cast everything.
And I was just like, I'm, I'm here. Yeah, it was crazy. And then they were just like, Yeah, when you walked in, we knew it was you because you have the confidence of that character. And so then I started going to these events. And I was like, I'm wearing makeup, and I'm wearing earrings, and I'm wearing lashes, and I'm, and I feel fucking beautiful.
And like, I don't do it all the time. But I do when I want to. And like, no one's gonna stop me.
Yes. And it's just insane how like, that I had to go through a whole other coming out to get out of the shame. Yes. And I love that. Oh, God.
I mean, I love like a lot. Like it really does transform me. I put on a lash. And I'm just like, Mm hmm. It's the principle of like, this is me saying that I love myself. And you can't take that away from me.
Yes. It's fucking glued on, honey. Yeah. And I'll fight you. I will fight. Yes.
I, it is crazy that there's such things like with makeup and stuff, both of you have experienced drag and found it transformative. It's wild that there are just products that are off limits. Like, I'm sure there are people listening who either maybe are cis or straight never touched makeup, never touched accessories in that way. It's like, how do you know you don't like it?
It's been completely out of your reach your whole life. That's crazy. You're a free adult. CVS is probably five minutes away from you. I'm literally just thinking about like Halloween and how like all straight people are like, no, we get to dress up like you.
Yeah. Or Pride, honestly. Yeah.
Every drag queen is like the first time I dressed up was as a joke on Pride. And you're like, was it a joke?
Or were you looking forward to June? Literally, I know. It's like, uh, people. But also have you ever put on makeup on like a straight man? Okay. Oh, it's so fun. Oh, they love it. That's what Rocky Horror Picture Show is for. For straight men to dry makeup. Yes. And the way that they look at themselves in the mirror. Yes.
A cat that just got shaved. It's fucking me. How many cats have you seen freshly shaved?
Don't test me. The Instagram accounts that I follow specifically for cat are, I would say honest to God, probably over 270. I can't get rid of them because I'm afraid I'm going to miss something.
I love that. I get that. Thank you. I'll also say, sometimes makeup isn't for everybody and that isn't necessarily going to be this big, especially if you are like conditioned to use it. You know what I mean? And I think, oh yeah, definitely. I mean, make up on me and I'm like, I'm not being seen. I'm being erased right now. Yes. Every per any like commercial audition I go to, like luckily here it's like so chill and everyone's like, Oh, you're Ali. Uh, someone told me like you barely wear any makeup. I'm like, great. Thank you.
But if I go to a commercial audition, it's like so much mascara and bright red lips. And I just look like a crazy fucking clown. And even if I don't look like a clown, I feel like exactly.
Yeah. The issue is more like what I feel. Yes. Which and I can't see the difference. Yeah. That's what they like. Anyone's like, Oh, don't worry about anything. You know, it's temporary. Like you look beautiful. Like whatever the fuck they say. You're like, I literally, I can't see that. Yeah. And like I, there is like a screen in front of my eyes and I feel like a man in drag. Like I feel fucking bad. Yeah.
And any attention I get for that, I'm kind of like, now I mistrust that person who's like, you look beautiful. I'm like, I don't want to look beautiful.
And I will say that like, so if there, there may be someone who is queer out there who loves wearing old Navy and it works for them and that is their expression. That's them. Old Navy is an expression. Navy is an expression.
You know what I mean? But what, what is it?
But for me, it was not for me. It was, um, for me, it was a mask and invisibility cloak. It was an invisibility cloak.
Yeah. Harry Potter is deeply queer literature.
The one who cannot be named, honestly, I've never seen one. The one who cannot be named.
This is the perfect segue into our topic for today, which is the word binary. Yeah. We've fully already been talking about this, but I love it. Yeah. Well, I think for me, like one of the biggest permissions I gave myself was to like kind of float around center. Exactly.
Because, um, you know, as a kid, I was feminine, feminine. I used to get my mom's scarves and have her tie them around my wrists. And then I jumped from my stairs just to watch them fly around me. Uh, really excited. Like small stairs. You would have a scarf on each wrist on each wrist. And I just, you know, uh, just the whole fantasy. Also the most like feminine part of a young boy is the wrist.
And you better believe those scars were silk. Beautiful silk scar.
Well, they float. Right. You know what I'm saying? I love their shoulder blades. What?
I love little boy shoulder blades. So whenever they're on the beach and I see their face, they're so small and they look like little wings. Would you say you follow, would you say you follow more than 50 little boys shoulder blades accounts on Instagram? I would say I follow more than 270 accounts. Little boy wings.
But it does take like a, it does take a level of permission. Um, especially as you get older, you become more self-aware. Um, because even in the times where I be alone, especially when I was in college, there was a time where I went to school in Connecticut and I was in the fucking woods, just pretty much by myself. And it was like, okay, like, let's like have a real talk right now and figure out what it is that you want to be because you do feel this anger. You do feel this confusion. You do feel this sense of like, definitely not belonging in any frat house or anything like that.
So it's, um, again, and like love frat houses. I had some friends who have some beautiful queer stories in their queer frats. Stunning. Um, but the ones that I was exposed to were just very traditional.
And so, um, it took a while for me to even just be like, okay, with myself exploring different facets of my queer identity because I had internalized a lot of, uh, however you want to put it, wrongness to it, fear of it. I think that's what it becomes. It's like, oh, you've been told it's wrong. And then I've become afraid of this part of me that it's like, I'm fucking great. You know what I mean?
This is really fun. This is exciting.
And like, when I did finally bust through, start doing drag and then really, invest in doing drag. One of the greatest joys I've ever had is you go to like a new bar or any of the bars and you meet people and the amount of permission it granted other people to feel more free to speak to me was like, this is the connection I've been missing with like meeting other people. You know what I mean? There are no walls when I kind of exposed myself in that way, which is actually layers and layers and layers of covering. But yeah, you know, it just opened so many doors to meeting so many cool people. I'm so interested in drag and it's a really, really, really cool. And I think that's the biggest effect on pop culture. And it's like, it's just so freeing. I mean, I probably cry so much during RuPaul and just at like off times, not even really on like a heavy interview, but just like seeing like, oh, wow, this is 10 people who probably had to hide this part of themselves given a room and free reign with makeup and wigs and just like, fucking doing what they wanted to. And would have liked to have been doing for decades now. Definitely on a pedestal right now. And that's great. And I love it. And I feel so seen, but I like to, for me to do drag when I was really kind of uncertain would have been too much.
And it's like, don't like, I want to say if there's anybody who's out there who's like, okay, I get it. But that's not me either. Like it's okay. Touch it and go see if you like it. If it doesn't suit you, that is fine.
There are a million other ways to express yourself. Totally. This is just one avenue that happens to be really, really like loud. Like in your face and fun and free.
Yeah, I will say for me, I will do drag. Uh, when, when I get paid to do it, cause guess what?
Um, it's hard. It is hard.
And I have so much respect for drag queens and I have so much support. Um, but like for me, I'm like, I, that's definitely not my expression, but I love it. I understand where it comes from. And I also like RuPaul's, um, quote that we all wear drag.
Yeah. Um, because if you think about where it comes from and how like going to the ball, it's almost like it's punk rock. Really.
It's like people were basically saying, um, you don't have a voice. And then everyone was like, oh, we're going to go underground and we're going to show you.
And like, I love the idea of like the category is like, oh, what is the category that you have today? You know what? I mean? And I don't know.
I feel like I, I, I just love that there was a place to go. I love that there was a community and that's, I think the best part. That's the most fun to think that there was that much potent creativity hidden for a long time. Like where has all this been? Like that's just amazing to be able to see it like spring up. And it just goes to show like, if you open the door for just one facet of queer creativity, to like flow through, there must be a million other expressions, not just dressing up in, you know, a feminine way.
If that's how you identified your drag. You know what I mean? Like come on, I know. Two really quiet, uh, like King of the Hills style cracking beers. I would, yeah. Underrated.
I think for me, the binary has been so interesting cause like, um, I think, you know, you, I love the queer community and I love, you know, the feminist queer community and I love, you know, the intersectional feminist queer community. But, and a complicated part of that community is like this need kind of to dissect everything. And a lot of me loves that, you know, I love it when we do it in house. Um, but to the world, I'm always like, y'all, can we clean this up in private? You know, can we have this conversation in private now in front of the straights? Um, but one of the things that we, you know, we talk about like within this like intersectional queer feminism is the idea of the binary being a social construct. And it's like, okay, yeah, it is, but it is there and people feel comfortable on it. And I, I have found a spot of like comfortability inside of that binary too, because a binary is here and it's here, which means there's all of that. There's all of this. There's all of that shit in between. And, and being having, like being so fucking upset with the binary is disrespectful to people who love their femininity and it's disrespectful to people who love their masculinity. And I love both. The binary is working for me. Like it's a social construct. Make it work for you.
Because in the middle of that is zero. It's neutral. So if you hate the fucking binary, you don't have to do it. There's a neutral ground.
And that's, I, I think that when we are like, you know, we, like, you know, when we have all of these, these things where we're punishing people for being masculine, when we write masculinity off as toxic, it's like, what about like our butch dikes? Like, why are we writing them off? And we, we write off femininity as like, you know, weak or conventional.
Like, what about our fem boys? Like, what about our fem women?
Like, we don't need to be biting our own heads off. Yeah, to be different. Yeah.
Well, it just goes to show that, like, there is a level of, I guess, self-identification when you see somebody else. And if somebody else's way of expressing themselves scares you, it's so easy. That's the crazy thing is like the binary makes people feel safe.
So when you upset that they feel scared, I'm like, I don't know. I can't do it anymore with people. It's so codependent to say you made me feel this way. It's like, no one can make you feel that way. Yeah, you like process through what you're feeling. And so when people are like upset and angry about gender non binary people, and you're ruining the whole system, it's like, calm down.
Did you know there's a super massive black hole? That's 5.6 times larger than the sun. Do there's a trash plastic island, like a Google fucking house?
I follow an Instagram. I am loving that house. I love what you've done. I love what you've done to the place.
Yeah. So smash the binary, unless it works for you, then keep it. I will say this.
My idea of what I believe to be like toxic in masculinity is the idea is literally it comes from the idea of binary, like what is in the middle when you're just like grasping onto this idea that it has to be this and only this. When you tell other people what you can't do, that's when your gender becomes toxic to me. When masculinity is used to make people feel bad, that's that shit.
And you know what? That's not a masculinity problem. That's a fucking person problem. It's always a supremacy problem. It's like masculinity is fine unless you're claiming it to be supreme. And then you're like, now that's just sexism. That's not masculinity.
Exactly. All right. We are going to pop into arguably my favorite part of the show. Questions from viewers like you. Thank you so much for submitting. If you have a question yourself for me and the panel, you can go on our Instagram, which is at tails pod. And there is a little link there for you to write your question. All right. Here's our first one.
I am a queer cis woman who doesn't really identify as either butch or femme. Someone, another queer person recently referred to me as two butch, and it's making me insecure about the way I want to present myself around my queer peers. How do you guys deal with limiting binary vocab and internalized homophobia within the LGBTQ community?
Okay, I just want to take this one immediately. Like you are allowed to just tell them they're wrong. And no, I think the first step is like, if somebody puts you in a position where you're too much or you're too anything and it's your friend. So maybe there's a little bit of sensitivity there where you're not necessarily trying to fight them. Or make a scene. It is fully okay to be like, no, you're wrong.
Yeah. No, you're wrong. Yeah. I'm not. Thanks though. You're wrong. That's your opinion.
You know, it's such a weirdly small but powerful thing that like I had to start adding to my own, I don't know, just life because, you know, you want to people, please. And I think if you're figuring stuff out, you don't want to, again, what we're talking about earlier, like we as queer people take so much into account our presence in the greater scheme of other people around us that other people don't. You know what I mean? So this is an important piece of conversation and how it comes off to feeling other ways.
And so like, okay, they aren't. You don't have to either. So, uh, you know, if again, it sounds like this person is trying to be cordial. They want to be friends. They're not necessarily, you know, this isn't as clean cut as like a homophobe coming. We're trying to start a fight, you know, that's a totally different thing.
Um, you're completely within your power to say no, you know? Totally.
Especially within our community, I think, um, what I've learned about myself, uh, because that's where it starts. is that we are, as humans, infallible, and there's always going to be room for growth. I have learned that there have been moments where I was not right, and I had to apologize and say, you know what, I thought that what I was saying was okay, and I realized that that is just demeaning you, and I never want to do that because I know what that feels like, and I've had those moments, and even with, and I'm a part of the community, but that is because I'm a human, and so what I love about these conversations and being honest and saying, this is my truth, is that people get to grow, and it doesn't necessarily, because some people hear it and they're just like, what, no, no, how dare you? It's like, why don't you just listen, and then evaluate. Can you just evaluate that this is a human being who has feelings, and you may have hurt them, and you need to see why, see that vantage point. Yeah, this is a question about receiving a comment like that, but yeah, I think the bigger issue is, let's talk about people who dish out these kind of comments that make people feel like they're on a tightrope, and queerness is always being policed by other queer people. Let's, as a queer person in a community, let's stop using words like too much this, or too less, let's allow freedom of expression, which is like, fully what this is all about.
Fully what it's about, you guys, we are proud. Yes, yes. No matter what that expression is, that's why I love the Hannah Gatsby special.
What the parts I watched, I truly, it's hard to watch comedy. It's so hard. When you're in comedy, watching comedy feels zaunting.
It does. I'm like, this is homework. But I will tell you, I was just like, when she was just like, this, this isn't my, those aren't my people, you know, but these, my people, they drink the tea, and with, now I don't know what accent I'm doing. But like, you know, I was like, oh, great, great. So we're, it's freedom of expression. There you go. And yes, so, and even in our community, but I like what, I like the idea that we should keep it within our community. Yes, Ben, you don't mean to argue in front of you. Clean house with the doors closed. Yes. Oh, that's how you do it. I've been cleaning your whole room. I've been inviting people over. Never let the straights watch us crumble. Yeah. Or like full FDR, like, oh no, look away. I know. Here's a good one. This is, how do you ask people to use your pronouns? Simple, clear. Is it?
I think, and it's funny, I think I said something similar to the last time I was on. I think you can ask people to use your pronouns, but you have to also be realistic about some of their responses. You are not gonna hear the thing that you want to hear every time. And when you brace yourself for that, then it'll be easier to accept it. I recently had a conversation with a family member.
I knew it was gonna be hard. I did not expect it to be that hard. But because I braced myself, and I was able to remain calm, she like truly very quickly adapted and finally ended up at like, as long as you're happy. And I think it's, you have to come into those, and I know that this puts a lot of pressure on us, but you have to enter these things with as much calmness in your heart as you can, because other people, for some reason, it's gonna be hard for some of them, and it's gonna be really easy for some of them.
Yeah, it is. One thing that I've started to like is when I encounter someone who's just kind of like, wait, what? Or it's like hard, or they're like doubling down and apologizing, or something like that. I just try to think like, okay, I'm probably the first non-binary person that this person has interacted with, meaning everyone to follow, it will just get easier and easier. Like a very like Johnny Appleseed fucking mindset of like, this is hard, but it will get easier. I just happen to be in the slot where it's the hardest. I'm up first. Hey, this is what non-binary is. Now you know, next time, you'll feel like an insider. And in doing that, you're making, that's been a huge thing for me, is like, I've felt this way my entire comedy career, and now it applies to this too, is like, you don't know who you're making it easier for.
Yes, totally. This is, okay, you all, everything that we do in life should always be for the benefit. It's like, we could be helping other people. And so that is why we have to be our true selves. We have to be authentic.
You never know who's watching. You literally never know who's watching or listening.
Because you did that, it allowed me to do that. And I think that those situations just like, if we just choose one day, like I'm just gonna be my authentic self, it just brings the level of consciousness up just a little bit. And I think that's what this is. That's what being on this planet is. When you said that, I was just like, I get people who will DM me and say, it's so great that you're able to just be who you are.
And thank you for being this person because I'd never get to see that. And I think about that, I'm like, oh, we didn't really have, I didn't really have that growing up. I had caricatures of what queer was.
And that's still on the air. Anyways, I'm not gonna say what show I'm talking about. It's called Will & Grace. I know exactly what you're talking about. Will & Grace sucks my dick. Allegedly, wow.
Okay, you guys, you're never gonna understand. I just made a joke that happened off. I'm sorry, guys. We can't edit it.
We'll believe it, we'll believe it. Yeah, no, but I just think if we're creating more and more stuff that we wish we had, bam, we are on the track to progress. I'll just say a strategy that I felt worked with me as I kind of discussed with my parents about my more queer identity and my drag identity was explaining the more emotional element such that like, when I do this, when I do drag, let's say, or so when I behave in this queer way, the way it makes me embrace the world and the way the world embraces me is better. It lights up, everything lights up.
And it helps me just connect with people and I feel, especially if you're trying to breach the subject with a family member. I think, as long as, if you do have a relationship where you're fortunate enough to have a family member who is at least trying to understand or is at least listening, because some people- Yeah, there's a line and you don't have to keep going back to them. I think that's a really important boundary to establish. But if you do feel that you're on the verge, they just don't necessarily understand, coming from an angle of a more emotional place where they can feel it versus them having to think about it, because as somebody who is a little bit looser with pronouns, it took me a minute to be like, especially when, I think within the past couple years, a big push has been to respect people's pronouns.
And that was a big thing that I was like, wow, I've never even considered it. Coming from my upbringing, it just never would have been a thing.
And so, for somebody who doesn't necessarily take a huge investment in my own pronouns, it was a big thing for me to understand that. And I was fortunate enough to have somebody explain it to me in that way, where it's like, when I am gendered as him, it's like, it's terrible. But when I am properly gendered, it just feels like a door's opened up, I am at the table with everybody else, experiencing what everybody should be having.
Yeah, totally. Wow, that was really generic and like, everybody should be having this. Yeah, I mean, I was pushing the Last Supper, but I understand. And he was joining the table, and just having whatever food is in there. It was all mac and cheese. Oh. Someone zooms in on the Last Supper and is like, is that fucking mac and cheese?
No, bitch, it's grapes. Mac and cheese and grapes.
Okay, great, we have, let's see, let's try to get through a couple more of these.
Lightning round? Yes, no. Lightning round.
I am here, yes, no. What do you think about this? What do you think about gay men or people outing other men who are still closeted? I'm bi and I confided in someone, but he went and told my coworkers.
Fuck him, not his story to tell. And also, you guys, stop making jokes about Mike Pence being gay. When we, even as gay folks, when we use that as a way to burn people, we're burning our motherfucking selves. He's not good enough to be gay.
No, absolutely not. Absolutely not.
That was a quick lightning round, that's it. Yeah, that was a quick lightning round.
I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I feel like the recovery from that is hard, honestly. I think the feeling of being outed is a visceral, lasting feeling, so I think be comfortable with yourself. And to coworkers, that's a weird level. Also, I will say, I'm going for some very rough times. What I'm learning about rough times is that the only thing that they do is they help you later on in life, because if you can get through this kind of bullshit, because that's what it is, it's literally making you stronger, and then you're gonna be able to help someone else who's in a situation where they're like, oh. Focusing that light at the end of the tunnel. It truly is that. I mean, if you map all of the stuff, and I'm like, oh, well, I went through this, and this happened, and I got through that, and it's just, yeah, it's incredible. But obviously, right now, it fucking sucks, because that's fucking bullshit.
And though we're not physically present for this person who was outed, know that there is a queer community out there who has experienced this, does feel for you, does understand what you're going through, even if you still have questions about what you're going through, and that a time will come where this kind of settles down and you will be okay being in that workspace. I hope, I hope. I like picturing yourself as part of a collective story. Being outed, that's probably a collective queer story.
I would say, look for literature on that. Look for movies. And if there's not something out there about your particular experience, hey, write it, put it out there.
Exactly. I want so much more queer media. It's a full diamond, and let's make all the facets of it. Yes. Okay, final question.
Just before turning 21, I came to terms with being trans. Prior to that, while living and believing I was a straight woman, I dated straight men. Now, though I identify as a man, I find myself subconsciously writing off the idea that gay men would ever want to date me and that the only people who would like me would have to be bi or pan. I feel very disconnected from the male gay community. Is this internalized transphobia or a legitimate fear? Do you have any advice on how to break that kind of cycle of thinking or interact sexually romantically with the gay community as a trans person?
Thanks, Teddy.
Can I see the card? I love you, too, but how can you see the card? It's just like a really long card.
I don't want to be disrespectful at all. I don't either. I also want to look at it.
Identify as a man. Yeah, say it out loud. Now, though I identify as a man, I find myself subconsciously writing off the idea that gay men would ever want to date me.
This is a common thing, I would say. I have a lot of trans friends who transition and find themselves attracted to, attracted as a new person to people that they've already been attracted to, if that makes sense. Right. It's tricky because it's so easy for me to say like there are people out there for you. There is a community of people who will love you for who you are. It's very easy to say that. Because if you're in a place where, if you're not necessarily in a large metropolitan area where you're exposed to a lot of people, there might not be. You know what I mean? If you're in a smaller town, if you are in a suburb or just in a smaller community, there might be a group of people who you feel really closed off from. If you can get out. I mean, that always comes up in this question. You know what I mean?
It's so scary to do that.
But right now, please know that there is a community of people who will love and respect you for who you are and will be attracted to you and think you are the hottest motherfucker out there. And not in a weird, fetish way, like in a true, loving, romantic, and sexual way. Also take some of the heat off yourself because I feel like gay community, sorry, but I feel like the gay male community can be very, very judgmental. And the amount of gay friends of color that have shown me their grinder and whatever.
That happened to me literally last night. No way. Yes, and I've had to tell people several times, I don't care about what you think is just your preference. Yes. Oh my god. I don't wanna hear that, don't you? Anyways, yeah.
I mean, in that way, it's like, take that off of you because there are just going to be cis gay males that do not like fucking anything you do, but there are also going to be gay men that love you. It's exactly like every other dating pool. And obviously it's different because there's more queer puzzles involved. But it really is like all dating pools. You never know what someone's gonna like, you never know what someone's not gonna like. And anybody in the gay community that tells you that you are not a full man or not a man that they'd be interested in, one, isn't worth your time, and two, can fuck the fuck off.
Yeah, two things about that. The first thing is, wow, that whole idea that someone can just tell you who you are and what they, the anger that I get about within the community is real. I mean, I know that there are great things about the community, but there are also other things. And I always see it as like, oh, okay, you just have your own, that's a you problem. It's not a community problem, that's literally just a you problem. And sometimes it's just racism that they refuse to see. The second thing I will say, I'm gonna share something personal.
I met these two men at Akbar, which is like a bar in LA, and they are married and I went home with them. And it was one of the most loving experiences of my life. They like, it was very, it was the most beautiful, sexual three-some I've ever been in. And they were both trans men. And it was literally probably the most loved and the hottest I've ever felt. Because it was like, it was like, I know, it was amazing, it was so amazing. And they were husbands and like, well, the thing is is that now they're good friends.
And I don't know. It's crazy. And I would have never thought, little boy from Texas who was told that he was an abomination to God, that I would be like in this loving three-some with these two trans, beautiful trans men, my God.
And it changed me, because it was like, oh, okay, you're touching my body and you're saying that I am worth it. Because there's another thing, there's like body shaming that happens in the community. But again, that's like a you problem. Because whenever someone's like, you're fat, it's like, oh, no, you're compensating for something. And that's sad.
And a million other people think you're fucking hot. I know, I know, it's crazy. So I would say like, if you're in a big city, you'll find people. Absolutely.
If you're maybe in a smaller city, less queer people to choose from, I would say go online, you know? And if we're at a point where there is a whole, you know, full community online where you can find down to the most specific thing, other people just like you start a pen pal relationship, send each other books, I don't know. But just kind of like buy your time until you move to a big city. And it sounds insane, but follow other trans men on Instagram. And maybe you're already doing that, but I thought for me that following trans men, following non-binary people, following very butch lesbians, kind of creating the space where I was looking at people that looked like me.
I all of a sudden I started to feel so confident because my world became my own. Yes.
And feel free to like trust your instincts too. I think a lot of the times, as long as you're being safe, be smart, go to places where you feel that you can express yourself. But if you catch a vibe, don't second guess yourself. Because I think there's a lot of self judgment. I would say too, yeah, don't stand in your own way. Yeah, because you'd be surprised there are a lot of people who, while maybe not on like their Instagram or have made any sort of public acknowledgement of what they are or not attracted to, there is a wide range of people who are attracted to all sorts of different people, different expressions, different genders that maybe they're private about. But it does not necessarily mean you're closed off from having a connection with them.
Yeah. It might actually mean that it's even more real to them because it's not posted online. Everything I post online is a lie. Yes, those are not my Getty images.
It's a Getty image of like two hands. Two hands.
Follow Travis, he only posts stock photos.
That's a really good account. I love that idea. That is a good idea. Well, great, that's our show.
Let's wrap it up with some plugs, honey. Where can people find you? Ooh, start with me. You can find me on YouTube, a show called Liza on Demand, and then I'm also on a new TV show called David Makes Man that's gonna premiere on own network sometime in August. Yeah, oh.
You can catch me in the Austin Lyric Opera this coming May. I am going to be a French street vendor in La Boheme but yeah, that will be this May and then if you're in Austin, just look out for Rianni. I perform all over town.
Rianni.
You can come catch me on the second Wednesdays every month. I'm a UCB Mod Team Hail Mary. Yeah, otherwise I got a pilot coming out and I don't know when it is so just follow me on Instagram and I will tell you. But I mean, it's editing and the coloring is hard and it's great.
Thank you. Great, well thank you so much. I hope you all have a wonderful week. Thank you for joining us and we will see you in two weeks. Love ya. Yeah, what's up, it's Allie.
If you like College Humor and you wanna support us, please sign up for Dropout for the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard. You'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness. By the twilight's last gleam. Sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_Change_The_Date_Debate_Cheer_Cheese_And_Warnie_Arrested_January_22 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5.
So I'm good mate I've just had a bit of a break but you know ready to get back into it mate so let's kick it off Wendell Righto we'll get into it with a interesting story it will probably appeal to our FM listeners here on Desert Rock FM it's a fact of the day did you know most countries don't celebrate the day they were invaded by colonial superpowers ah yes Wendell this one was written by you you millennial snowflake but yeah apparently other countries around the world do not celebrate the day that they were invaded by colonial superpowers yes in places like Mexico Argentina Fiji and a hundred other so countries that were colonized and then went on to gain some form of independence they actually don't celebrate the day that it all changed it's just an Australian thing and there was a particularly apt and informative comment here from Kerry Glerum said so what most countries don't have kangaroos either well Kerry I take your point and I back it now Wendell this next story was this one about you two yeah it was going after people like me on Twitter it was inner city lefty sleeps easy knowing her tweets about cheese have resolved indigenous inequality yes local Newtown based digital campaigner Desert Dorada Atkinson 35 years old can finally move on this week she has eventually pressured a multinational dairy company into making a symbolic gesture towards a community of people that more than likely pay four times as much for their products due to regional and socio economic supermarket price gouging and after a big push for the name change the sitter artist said I'm pretty exhausted to be honest that took up a lot of emotional labor we got there in the end but I had to cop a lot of flack from racists well good on you we'll get the violins going because you are a martyred as a Dorada righto we'll move on to another bloke who had quite a different take on the issue the headline on that story reads bloke who claims everyone is too soft nowadays hasn't slept for three nights over that cheese rebrand yes that's right one of our town's biggest defenders of personal freedoms has blown a fuse this week over the idea that a multinational dairy company might want to change their name yes he says he's just sick of everyone getting so bloody offended these days he reckons and I quote here people's feelings being hurt by seeing a word that gets yelled at them in school yards as kids aren't as important as my feelings being hurt by a couple of letters being changed around in a cheese brand that I sometimes buy cannot say anything these days he says now we'll move on from all this overly political stuff and we'll get into some sports news there was a story this week about Warnie being physically restrained after he tried to take the field on day five and show the boys how it's done he wrote this one Errol what happened I did mate well you know if if you were watching the coverage like I was you had to sit through Shane one telling every man woman and child in the country that he knew how to get these Indian batsmen out and the team just wasn't following his plan so so Warnie fed up he stormed out of the commentary box ran downstairs and tried to storm the field well if we know anything in the fact is that he probably could have fucking gotten them out so easy you know I don't know who's in the wrong here wasn't the security guards that stopped him from going out there or was it the blokes out there that couldn't win I don't think it was warning that was in the wrong yeah I'd say that this is just another example of Shane one being in the right and everyone else being in the wrong right side of history always is hmm all right there's some other sports news here and it's about a Victorian woman stuck in Sydney told to either wait it out or get really fucking good at tennis yes dictator Dan said to our reporter this week those who have found to be world-class tennis players they will be allowed in no questions asked maybe some like quarantine but that's about it but if you are shithouse at tennis you need to just park your ass and wait for me to allow you to come home naturally and if you're really really good at tennis you might get an exclusive suite or even a private house with the tennis court to quarantine in and of course that is only allowed if you take to Twitter after heaven and earth has been moved to get you there and complain about the situation I might know Vax and I think we'll wrap up the weekly bulletin on that note thanks for tuning in and we'll talk to you again next week after hopefully another big week in news see you then |
SaturdayNightLive | adam_sandler_the_hanukkah_song_iii_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, the Draydell's! nice to be here, everybody. Hanukkah is the festival of Lights. one day of presents, hell no, we get the eight crazy nights! But if you still feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree, I guess my first two songs didn't do it for ya. So here comes number three!
Ross and Phoebe from Friends say the Hanukkah Blessing. So does Lenny's pal Squiggy and Will and Grace's Deborah Messing, Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon never mix meat with dairy. Maybe they should've called that show Little Kosher House on Da Braria. We got Jerry and Lewis, Ben Stiller and Jack Black.
Tom Arnold converted to Judaism, but you guys can have him, Yeah! Just kidding. He may not get a kiss underneath the mistletoe, but we can do it all night long. We're Jews, big hello! I'm Jewish! The guy in Willie Nelson's band who plays Hanukkah celebrates Hanukkah. Robbie Schneider. I did not know you were Jewish. Filipino Jew. Filipino? There are four of us. well, we'll take any Jew we can get, even funny looking ones.
Cool, Alright, it's good to be back, sir. it's good to be back. Hey, do you mind if I put on a wig and hang out with the Dradells? if you got a wig on, yeah. I got one, man. Okay, man. Alright, the newest addition to the Dradells.
Osama Bin Laden. Not a big fan of the Jews. Well, maybe that's because he lost a figure skating match to gold medalist Sarah Hughes, how mama's Jewish. Houdini and David Blaine escape straight jackets with such precision. But the one thing they could not get out of their painful circumcision when his pal, Joe's half Jewish, but a full-time Oscar winner Jennifer Conley's half Jewish too, and I'd like to put some more in her. There's Louis, Perr and Phil.
You better get all I have to Joy Ramon invented punk rock music, but first came Hebrew School. Hey! never! it's time to serve up an otter. I hope I get an L-trotter on this joyful, joyful otter. So get a high calotica and soil your long jotter guy if you really, really want a happy ho-o-o-o-o Fuck, it's Saturday night. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_drake_interview_saturday_night_live | And now, a brief interview with Drake. Good evening, and welcome to a very brief interview. I'm joined this evening by international phenomenon, singer, rapper, and actor, Drake. Drake, how are you? Man, I am, I'm just. This has been a brief interview with Drake. and now, an extremely close interview with Drake. Good evening, I'm joined tonight by singer, rapper, Drake. Drake, how are you?
Good, man, can you see me? Oh, yeah, we can see you loud and clear, buddy. just seems like the cameras are really close. Nope, this is how we do it, totally normal. can we at least show my album cover, please? You got it, here it is, right here. You see me? Yeah, I don't think.
And now, an extremely sarcastic interview with Drake. Good evening, I'm joined by musician, Drake. Drake, how are you? I'm good, I guess. And now, a racist interview with Drake.
So, Drake. don't do it. Yeah, not worth it. And now, a wordless introduction of Drake. I don't like men. Oh, no, neither.
And now, a quick word from our sponsor. Hi! I have such a star sponsor, she pays for the show, So. I have sex with her.
And now, a matching sweater interview with Drake. And now, a horribly dubbed interview with Drake. So, Drake, what's your favorite track off the new record? Um, I'm Drake, and it's me. Also, I'm a person who raps and stuff, you know.
Totally. And I have a little doggy that I love. Oh, interesting.
And now, an extremely dark interview with Drake. Hello. thanks for being here, Drake. come on, man, quit playing. I can't even see shit right now. Drake. who said that?
Hello? hello? don't be scared of the dark. Happy Halloween! |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_senior_c_developer | It's one of the most popular and loved languages on this planet, according to Microsoft. I am ready, Microsoft Java, I mean, C sharp. Yeah, I've been struggling to keep track whether C sharp is cross platform or not, but I figured it has always been more cross platform than anything because you can always write your own common language runtime and not get sued. It's 2022, Microsoft is different now, object oriented and declarative and functional. But .NET framework is more than just C sharp. You can even create your own language on top of it. But nothing beats C sharp, tweaks and changes and changes on top of changes and changes on top of those changes. That was decades ago, one decade ago. C sharp is different now. C sharp has always been cross platform since April 2016. C sharp has always been open source since 2014. Why would you let the community contribute on something so perfect and evolving? C sharp, Microsoft. C sharp isn't just C sharp, it's a whole suite of tools. Visual Studio, corporate, .NET. How do people even write code without Visual Studio? Well, C sharp and .NET are separable. .NET Core, .NET Framework, .NET Micro Framework, .NET Compact Framework, .NET Micro Compact Framework, .NET Standard, .NET Native, .NET Mobile, .NET Mobile Native, ASP.NET, ASP.NET Core, .NET, .NET Core, .NET 5. All languages have a similar learning curve, except for C sharp.
It first goes exponentially up, up, up, up, up, and then it stays constant. Well, Microsoft is extending the tail with new features.
What is the nullability operator even for?
Or you like Unity, or that means you like C sharp. Yes, you like C sharp. I'll be in the studio, the Visual Studio. C sharp is not popular.
Who said it's not popular? A comment from 2015. No, no, no, no, no. C sharp has what we call a second mover advantage.
Great community of experts, consultants, expensive consultants. ASP.NET is the second most like web application framework, after all, according to Microsoft. Or which one is number one? ASP.NET Core. Extremely popular among devs. Super scalable.
C sharp makes you marketable. In the marketplace. It's not just marketing. Look at all the opportunities for C sharp devs out there. You don't learn C sharp to have fun. You learn it to make money. To use that money to spend time having fun learning C sharp to make more money. Let's uncover a great myth here. C sharp isn't just used for game dev. You can do a lot of other things in Unity.
I am sponsored by, I mean, not sponsored by Microsoft. As I was saying, the survey isn't biased by vendor lock-in.
C sharp isn't just Microsoft since a long time. There's Xamarin, Mono, both bought by Microsoft, but you can do so much more with C sharp. If you're interested in VR, C sharp got you covered there. There's for example, the HoloLens, Inline Assembly. C sharp wasn't just born out of a lawsuit, implicit types, anonymous functions, abstract partial class, link, unary plus, link, C sharp mascot, Andy, .net mascot, .net bot, malware mascot, .net botnet.
You're not just adding random stuff no one asked for. I asked for it. No one asked me.
Now, C++ is a waste of time. Was that a C-Dev out there? Faster than anything that is not compiled, strongly typed, strongly.
The chance to build stable and secure apps is bigger. It's a chance, not a guarantee.
Java and C sharp are totally different things. In Java, it's called JVM. In C sharp, it's called CLR. In Java, it's called Java EE. In C sharp, it's called ASP.net or ASP.net core.
No competitor has this.
Are you bored?
Let's talk about Azure. Azure pipeline, Microsoft Java, I mean C sharp.
It was mutual stealing, copying, inspiration, VAR, dynamic types. They even changed the switch statement. Why? It's memory safe due to the garbage collector, but it's still possible to work on safe.
It's like ice hockey. You're wearing the gloves, but you can always take them off and make the context unsafe. And that's where the real fun begins.
Yeah, you can use pointers, but why? Why would anyone know? Nullable, nullable. We always import system first, always system first. I don't really know why. Implicit using, having a function, having class, having namespace, having a runtime, having to run somewhere during a meeting.
Oh yes, sorry. Boss was calling. What were we? C sharp, innovation, Azure. Are you bored?
The default skeleton is not the same. That's how the court ruled. Everything you would expect in a modern, flexible, well-developed language. It's like the default language.
Get set, jet set, native versus just in time. C sharp does both. Not in a good way.
Anonymous functions. It's like they stole from Java and JavaScript. That wasn't a legal statement. No, but on a serious note, await async was C sharp first. It does not allow us to perform unsafe cast. Reference types are initialized to null and value types are initialized to zero automatically. Not to some arbitrary number that was floating around in RAM, like in C++ or C. Was that a C dev out there again?
How did they make it into this building? I thought we were C sharp only. They have glasses.
DNet components can directly be used in C sharp. We just awarded an abundance of project managers the title of program. Oh, man. C sharp is like Java on steroids. C on steroids. Dot net six is like dot net five on steroids.
These are actually fake teeth. Too much syntax sugar.
Here is something that will buy you in. By buy you in, I mean convince, unbiased. This chair is not Microsoft quality. Here is something that will buy you in.
There are different ways to check for nullability. Why hardly anybody will claim that Java or C sharp are revolutionary programming languages that change the way we do things. Nobody ever. C sharp is the greatest Microsoft.
We had that already. The LTS is three years now. People cannot explain to their clients that they have to modernize their software every three years.
I can.
Symbol soup. Just chiming in to say that I really like the new nullability operator and I really like to use it. Well, that wasn't that hard. A couple of lies here and there.
So first Windows form was supposed to be the go to client GUI framework for all platforms. Then they came up with web forms for the web. MVC. Some used JTK sharp on Linux. Others kept their sanity. Winforms was too heavy on mobiles. So then they came up with Silverlight. Then there was the whole stuff with HTML JS.
I still don't get it.
Now we're back at Windows forms and WPF and UWP and WPF and UWP. And for cross platform, we have Xamarin forms or how it's called dotnet Maui. And of course, Monos incomplete implementation of Winforms.
Yeah, whatever they're doing. Everybody must download and install the huge dotnet runtime. It's a form of commitment to Mike. I mean to dot net CIL bytecode is easy to reverse engineer. Then we're basically giving you the code open source for free.
How nice of us dotnet framework is going to be supported for years to come. It will never die. There's still people in remote parts of the world in I don't know whatever that still haven't heard of dotnet core or dotnet five or Windows Edge or Firefox.
It's not the only one with cluttered syntax. Remember, there's still JavaScript. Why Java developers wear glasses, although they can't see out of their eyes. Maybe they can use console to read lines, cut the recording.
We ready? All right. I'm so ready.
Come in. See this? Let me interrupt. Return to sender volatile personality unsafe at any speed. Go to. Oh, that's actually my code.
I'll check this like this. Check this restoring packages for solution. This can this can take a while. I mean, if you have time the whole day, we can package is successfully restored.
All right. Let's crunch this and targeting dotnet six and Visual Studio. See that's what I mean. It's good they don't send the crash reports instance of analyzer, Microsoft extensions.
What are we doing here? Build 24 arrows. Take a break.
Was that a CDF again? I actually really like the new nullability operator, the one of one in a million. Can I try something? Just use something that isn't supported in C sharp and it will suddenly be supported before you know. It's like they're sending you code in the crash reports. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_ninja_gaiden_then_now | I'm your host Jeff Rubin, joining me this week is Simon Rich and of course my co-host Pat Cassels. Today we continue our then and now series by looking at the past and present of Ninja Gaiden, starting with Ninja Gaiden 1 on the NES.
These guys are the saddest guys in the world. They live in a terrible city made out of stone. As you can see, they're really bad at fighting. The enemies in this game are like a team without a coach.
Right. I like how like this guy, the guy who comes after this guy must be thinking like, all right, he got the last 20, but this time I'm going to try swinging it like in a more rapid succession. I picture between every level, they just get together and they're like, all right, what did we do wrong? Look at that store, they're having a sale in that store. Right.
What appears to be Robos?
The entire city is populated by like villains. There's no normal people in this city.
The owners of that store are like, you know what will help us? A sale.
I remember trying to convince my mother that Nintendo had some kind of educational value. Right, right. That it was teaching me about foreign cultures, like ninja culture. And when that didn't work, I tried to convince her that it helped me develop hand-eye coordination. Of course. And she believed that. But then the next day she came home and I was playing Duck Hunt with the gun pressed up against her.
So Ninja Gaiden, pretty successful series, pretty fun. They do three great Nintendo games. Then they just stop making them for 15 years because they're waiting. They have a vision for Ninja Gaiden that the Super Nintendo and the PlayStation, they just can't handle it.
Right. Wait for the Xbox. They reboot the series with a new Ninja Gaiden and now we're going to play Ninja Gaiden 2 for the Xbox 360. So pretty much looks like the first one. Right. Yeah, exactly.
I don't see what all the fuss is about. That store is still having a sale on Robos.
This game is noticeably like, I mean, video games have obviously gotten more violent as a trend and I don't think that's necessarily right. You're dismembering these people piece by piece. Yeah, it's not even like Mortal Kombat where you got to like get to the end of the match and then like do an elaborate combo to somehow dismember them. It's just like mash on all the buttons and the limbs start flying.
Yeah. Like those guys in the first game had it pretty easy. They just exploded. Right. These guys are long, painful, dragged out dead. We did skip the intro. For all we know, this is like a Japanese Best Buy and this man is just a monster. Yeah. Like we don't know where we are. The object of the game is to like obey the rules and not hurt anyone in this game. Jeff's doing horribly right now. Yeah.
So final thoughts. If Ninja Gaiden on Nintendo is like that and Ninja Gaiden on 360 is like this, where is the series going 10 years from now? It's going to revert back to its old. This is not going to last. I feel like it's gotten as violent as it can get in the video game format. So it would have to just advance to actual physical murder. Right.
You just open the box and there's a knife in there. A knife and I don't know.
The name of a person you're supposed to play. I can't really take the word Ninja seriously anymore, by the way. It's like, I don't know what it's like.
Yeah, it's been over. It has no connotation. I do.
I feel bad for like real ninjas. Like their entire lifestyle is now a joke.
Can you imagine the first Ninja game that came out? The ninjas were like, there's a video game about us.
How embarrassing. It's okay though.
It's probably the last one. Yeah. Final thoughts. If Ninja Gaiden on Nintendo is like that and Ninja Gaiden on 360 is like this, where is the series going 10 years from now? It's going to revert back to its old. This is not going to last.
I feel like it's gotten as violent as it can get in the video game format. So it would have to just advance to actual physical murder.
Right. I can't really take the word Ninja seriously anymore, by the way. It's like, I don't know what it's like. That's how it was, being like zombie and pirate. Yeah.
It's over. It's been over. It has no connotation.
I feel bad for like real ninjas. Like their entire lifestyle is now a joke.
Can you imagine the first Ninja game that came out? The ninjas were like, there's a video game about us.
How embarrassing. It's okay though.
It's probably the last one. It's the last one.
Yeah. |
cracked | comedians_guess_the_stories_behind_insane_images_pictofacts_game_show | I was saying the adult one is probably an, uh... Okay, Chris, name a second thing you might find. Welcome to Picto Facts. I'm Jesse Eisman. I've put together a metric butt-ton of image-based trivia games, and then I invited some comedians to play them. Contestants, I'm going to show each of you a real, hand-drawn schematic for a patent that someone inexplicably felt compelled to file. Dana Huntley, what is this device? That is clearly a pen that also doubles as a vibrator and triples as a missile. There you go! Chris Allen, what do you think this is? I really think this is a three-part dildo.
Yes, it's for couples. The top is a dunce hat. So whoever comes last, you have to wear that hat. And yeah, both ends go in their respective places. Whatever you have, it's 2022. I don't know.
Yep, that little screw thing there, that's the battery pack. It takes the same battery you put in a watch.
I would like to take this moment to point out that Chris is actually successfully married. So congratulations on making that happen. Elliot Duffy, what do you think this is?
I'm going to say that it's a sewing needle, mainly because I see that it was patented in 91, which was a big year for sewing. It's so pretty. Get to sewing.
All right, the answer is it's a ballpoint pen with condom storage. That is the name of it on the patent ballpoint pen with condom storage. Anna Huntley, you got first place. You called this, it's a pen.
But you did get the sexual element to it. Elliot, I'm giving you second place. It seemed you found you kind of glommed on to the weird condom section. It wouldn't be the first time I glommed on to a condom.
Chris Allen, what is going on here? Oh, this is clearly, clearly something that I don't approve of. This is a 1950s anti-cannabis ad. Now this young girl has been smoking so much weed that now she wants to get her little bunny high. This is what can happen to your sweet little girl. She's trying to shotgun a three gram blunt, a rabbit that her aunt bought her for Easter. So this is an anti-cannabis ad, 100%. Elliot, what do you think is going on here? I think this is a stuffed rabbit with a built-in whistle.
Very good. Anna, what do you think is going on here in this patent clinic? Sure. I think this is a way to deliver medication in a really fun and healthy way for a child because kissing rabbits is a thing that all children really ought to do. I couldn't agree more. As a father myself, I want all my kids to kiss some rabbits. I'll tell you what the answer is.
It's a suckable teddy bear, technically a wearable drink holder featuring an animal-shaped body member and, naturally, a protuberance member formed in the shape of an animal face. Naturally. A suckable what? Protuberance member? I feel like you guys are getting obsessed with the details. You're going to suck juice out of the bunny rabbit. Chris, I'm giving you first place on this line because, as it was a suckable teddy bear, your idea was all about sucking, not quite a liquid, but a smoke is very close to a liquid. Your brain was in the right place. You were sucking something out of that little stuffed bunny.
Oh, yeah. Some goodness. Some kind of goodness. Anna, to the same degree, you were on the right track as well.
You thought it was a medication delivery device. You only got second place because it was not a vice. See, juice, weed, those are vices. Medication is good for you. You thought that this thing would be good for a child, and that was a big mistake.
Yeah, you got to suck out of the rabbit, and that was an oversight on my part. Got to suck that rabbit.
Let's move on to the final patent schematic. Elliot, what is up with this hellish little cherub? What an unfortunate day to have eyes. Well, this is clearly an automaton, as they would call them. The little wooden boy. A living machine to resemble a baby, maybe, that you've lost and you need to replace quickly. Anna, what do you think is going on with this thing? Well, if I know anything about babies, it is that they're real stupid. I should know. I have friends who have them. And in this instance, what is clearly happening is, you know, babies being stupid don't always know how to, you know, do the thing that babies are supposed to do, which is crawl everywhere. They need a little instruction. So this is a baby crawling robot or the baby crawlbot. Chris, what do you think this device is? This is a picture of a surgery that you give babies that end up with polio and can't walk anymore. So you replace their bones with gears and shit. So is your kid no longer able to walk? Well, guess what? We can fix that and put wheels and pulleys inside of his body so they can crawl. Well, I'll tell you what it really is. This is Geo Pemberton Clark's natural creeping baby doll. And it brings me no joy to report there was a requirement at the time to create a working model.
Oh, look at the eye. Why does that baby have eyes like Forest Whitaker? Look at that thing. Look at the paw. It looks like a goddamn animal. Look at that paw. It looks like it's going to tell me some riddles.
Points time. Elliot, you got first place. Your idea was the closest to it being a recreational device. Anna, you got second place. Yours definitely had the spirit of a toy that moves. Chris, love it. I wish I could give you points for the vivid picture you painted with your words of opening up a baby and taking out the guts and putting it in gears. Alright, you've made it to round two. Did that fill the gnawing emptiness you feel deep inside?
This one's all about fast food, specifically the marketing ploys they use to trick us into eating wet beef. Anna, what the hell was Burger King bragging about with this 2020 Moldy Whopper campaign? What was the point of this ad campaign? The point of this ad campaign was the fact that if you leave a burger out long enough, it will in fact generate penicillin, and as we know, there is an antibiotic shortage and antibiotics are becoming less and less effective. Burger King is stepping in to the role of world savior here, so you know what, Burger King?
Hats off. My hat is off to you. I don't have a hat, but if I did, it would be off.
Chris, what do you think they were trying to accomplish with this advertising campaign? I gotta say, Burger King has really slid off the last ten years, and I actually got this same burger a week ago, so the only thing they were really doing is show you how their food actually fucking looks now. Elliot, what do you think is going on with this ad campaign?
I think I genuinely know. I think that this is a comparison against a McDonald's burger, which would have more preservatives and would not mold as quickly. Interesting. Awesome! Alright, I'll tell you what it is.
Elliot claims to have removed 8,500 tons of artificial preservatives from their products and proved it by documenting the putrification of their premier burger. They say it increased sales by 14% and won them an obscene amount of advertising awards.
So there you go. Elliot, you nailed it. You got first place. Yes. Anna, I'm giving you second place because yours was in a very similar vein of trying to make their disgusting slop healthy for the public. That's fine.
I hate Burger King. I really happen to stay in Burger King. This episode brought to you by Burger King. I love Burger King. He's the best. Suck down your slop. Burger King. In 2017, Burger King Israel sold adult meals as a sexy little Valentine's Day promotion.
Chris named one adult toy you might find in the adult meal. I would say in the adult one, there's probably a... We might need a different take. Okay, Chris, name a second thing you might find in the adult meal.
Condoms.
Yes. Okay. Excellent. Elliot, what's one adult toy you might find in the adult meal? I think a fake ass with sesame seeds on it. Ooh. What's the fake ass made out of, if I may ask? A rubber, a silicone rubber, something soft and jiggly. Okay. So it's got to be jiggly. It's got to be soft.
But with real sesame seeds? Real sesame seeds.
Great. Anna, what do you think you're going to find in the adult meal? Uh, anal beads. Fun for the whole family. Yes. We were all thinking that, and only you were brave enough to say it.
For about six hours, horrible, ironic boyfriends could surprise their loved ones with either a head massager, a blindfold, or a feather duster. A feather duster, that's just to clean? What's sexy about that? The Pictofax Game Show is proud to present a heartwarming moment between Chris and Elliot. Have you ever had one lightly grazed against your testicle son? Or a butthole? That's what a feather duster does.
Yeah. I take it back. It's really sexy. By the cardigan, he's never, he's not in the butt play. This is not a butt play. Now, jean jacket. That's butt play. This guy's in the butt stuff. You can tell. Okay, so, uh. Actually owned by a butt player. I mean, that's why McDonald's has the ball pits, right?
Yeah, there you go. There you go.
The most sexual of all pits, the ball pit. So, I'm giving first place to Anna because it was the most family friendly. As you can see, these are the taintest sex toys ever invented. Look at that. Chris, you get second place. Condom is like the second most, or the fourth most tame sexual device.
Well, how would you feel if you, if you were like, you ready to do it? And he's like, hey, would you mind handing me a sexual device? Well, in that case, I would just like take out my pen. Yeah. Well, in that case, I would just like take out my pen. Yeah. And screw it, and pull it out.
McDonald's used to sell hot dogs back in the 90s. They even brought them back to the breakfast menu for some reason in the 2010s. What did they call their tube meat? Elliot, what did they call, what does McDonald's call their hot dog? McQueener. Anna, what does McDonald's call their hot dog? Well, I mean, that is clearly a carrot. So, they just call it that.
They're like, it's the, you know what, it's the McCarrot. The McCarrot. McCarrot, McCarrot. The McCarrot.
I didn't know how to, I know how to talk. Well, it's totally fine because that's not a word that most people probably ever said. You found your way through it perfectly well.
Chris, what do you think they called their hot dog? A McDonald. Okay. I'll tell you what they called it. Ray Kroc vowed never to sell hot dogs. But after he died, McDonald's barely waited for his greasy corpse to congeal before they unleashed the McHotDog.
How boring. They have an entire marketing department. They could have gone with, let's say, a McQueener or a McCarrot. Chris, I'm giving this one to you, the McDong. Because just letter for letter, you almost nailed it. I did. Anna, I'm giving you second place because the McCarrot is also like, kind of boring.
I like how this guy's wearing a suit. That's nice too. That's what I do.
I make six figures as we run to McDonald's and get a goddamn hot dog. I genuinely thought you were talking about the bun. You're calling the hot dog a sir or a guy?
It's a baked potato. Yeah, it is a baked potato.
It's weird. What's happening? Now you guys are thinking. We're thinking outside the bun.
Ooh. Yeah, that's right. I like how, you know, all right, so some businessmen will kind of like crack a tall boy on the way home from work, sitting on the bus to the subway.
Not this guy.
He grabs a hot dog. Yeah.
This round is all about improbable celebrity connections. I'll show you a famous person and then a picture of that person's face mashed together with an unlikely peer, collaborator, or lover. You'll guess who that second celebrity is.
This is renowned actor Tommy Lee Jones, and this is Tommy Lee Jones crossed with his college roommate at Harvard. Anna, hit me first. Who do you think Tommy Lee Jones's roommate was in college?
That's Al Gore. That's okay. So you're saying Al Gore. Chris, who do you think Tommy Lee Jones's roommate was? Al Gore. Al Gore, you're gonna, you guys are, you know what happens when you hitch your boat together, you might both sing.
Ah, that's fine. Good, we'll go down together. This is the point of this game. You guys are all becoming friends.
Elliot, who do you think Tommy Lee Jones's roommate was? Al... Violence. Al who? Violence.
I don't know, is that a person? I can't say Gore, but that's clearly who it is. You know who I mean. Well, I'll tell you what.
Long before he invented the internet, Al Gore used to cook whole turkeys with Tommy Lee Jones in their dorm room. Is this a mashup of them too? Okay, because man, that's pretty wild. It's like they got together instead of having a kid, they had a dad. Ooh, a daddy, yeah.
All right, let's get these points. Anna, you got first place because you nailed it. Chris, you got second place because you also nailed it. Elliot, unfortunately, you got third place even though you showed real gusto bites. You threatened us with boat bumping talk. Yes. You said we'd all sink and now who's the only one sinking? One guy with a new original idea. That's a really good point. I would like to retake that and give you guys all first place.
Oh, I'll take that. That's right. There you go.
I'm happy for you guys. I'm happy for you. Do you guys want to hang out after the show?
No.
This is acting legend Marlon Brando and this is Brando crossed with one of his many, many lovers. Chris, who do you think Marlon Brando boned?
Man, I have no idea. I have no idea who this could be.
I'm going to go out on the limb and say it might be Richard Pryor. Quincy Jones once said of Brando, he'd fuck anything, he'd fuck a mailbox. Elliot, who do you think Marlon Brando would fuck? Well, after that, I'm going to say Quincy Jones.
What kind of mailbox? Are we talking M-A-L-E box? Like a butthole? That would be a mailbox.
Sir, we call that a bussy. A bussy.
Jones then name checked James Baldwin, Marvin Gaye, and our mystery celebrity, Anna. Who do you think the mystery celebrity is? You know, I'm just going to throw it out there. I think it was Mr. X. Hello. Well, let's find out together.
Marlon Brando and Richard Pryor were two of the most prolific bisexuals of their day. Pryor's widow has confirmed the relationship saying, It was the 70s, enough cocaine and good music, one could fuck a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.
Chris, you nailed it. So first place goes to Chris.
So did Brando. You nailed it like Richard Brando. Richard Brando?
I'm going to give you a blow job. Elliot, not only just for that impression, but fantastic impression, you get second place because you named a human. And a third place, but again, Mr. Ed, I'm going to fall asleep tonight dreaming of Marlon Brando and Mr. Ed. Hello. So thank you. Did they show Mr. Ed's dong? Find out next time on Pickle Facts, the game show. Final one before the final round, okay.
This is best-selling author and pro wrestling star Mick Foley, aka Mankind. And this is Mick Foley crossed with his old high school wrestling teammate. Elliot, who did Mankind use to wrestle with? I'm going to guess Richard Gere. Anna, who was Mick Foley's wrestling mentor?
Bob Ross. Bob Ross!
Almost definitely going to be closer than Mr. Ed. Chris, who did Mankind use to wrestle with? Well, it's got to be, um, ultimate warrior, hands down. I know for a fact I'm big in wrestling. I know they went to college together. I'm 100% right. Well, I'll tell you what. Renowned jock, Kevin James, is the reason that Mankind exists today. Foley has called Kevin James, quote, the toughest kid at school. Chris, I'm going to give it to you. Ultimate warrior, great wrestler. Kevin James, incredible wrestler, apparently.
Oh, wow. You got first place. Anna, great comic. Anna, you got second place.
Bob Ross and Kevin James both have the same, we'll say, unthreatening energy. I like how unthreatening energy is a new way to say white. That's pretty cool. That's a great fucking line. That's good.
Keep that in. Keep it. No, I'll re-tank it. I have nothing against white people. You got great money. For our final round, we're going to fuck the script.
This is FactoPix. You're each being given a fact that I ostensibly don't know. You'll do your best to describe it to an AI image generator, and I'll take a look at whatever it spits out and try to guess your fact.
For this round, you're actually going to wage your points, so we need to know how many points you've got. That unfortunately means you have to kick it to the score bear. Score bear. How many points does Anna have?
I'm going to wage them all. All of them. I think I got to go all in.
Oh, you guys. Jesus. Okay. Wow. You got it? Uh-huh. All right, you all can turn around. Oh, my God. Wait, what?
This is Richard Gere's asshole. The inside of Richard Gere's asshole looks like a pet smart. The guy on the top right looks like Ben Stiller. So I'm going to say that Ben Stiller was once in a romantic relationship with a rat.
So close. Thank you. So close.
Yes, the real, the actual so close answer is in New York City, humans bite other humans more than rats bite humans. Oh, that's, yeah. I see the biting now. Rat watch is a man, biting a man. That is such a, you know what?
That's the AI's fault. These are awful images. I won't be able to sleep.
Is that, is it in the middle? Is he blowing a kiss?
Like, what is, that is terrifying. I don't like this. Also, I mean, it's like, I think like it's somebody's finger has trans, in the middle of somebody's finger has transformed into part of the rat. And that is my favorite part of the situation.
And he's got to turn around. Oh, yeah, look away. Okay. All right, y'all can turn around.
What's up? Oh, why? What is this guy?
I'm going to say ancient Romans used to apply lipstick to their statues.
So close.
What's the real one? How an ancient Rome man would wear lipstick. All right, so like this is a high status man or a low status man? Oh, this is a high status man. This is a high, this is good busty right here. Men wearing lipstick, ancient Rome.
That's a really good prompt. All right, Chris, great job. Thank you. You're up. All right, Elliot. Oh, wow. This is a disaster. We're ready? All right. Yeah.
A what? What are we looking at? How do you do this? This is the most sexual thing I've seen today.
This is going to be some sort of grocery store. And it's selling pickled goods. The first vegetable to be pickled was a blanched pumpkin.
Not at all close. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. Think it over, Elliot. What's the real thing?
The real fact is that in 1971, more share dolls were sold than Barbie dolls. Share dolls?
So my prompt was a shelf full of shares. And there's not a single share on any of those shelves.
This AI is clearly uncultured.
Unlike all the yogurt it's picturing. Yeah, all the yogurt.
Nice, dude. Awesome. Elliot, thank you. All right, folks, the moment you've been waiting for your entire lives. First place goes to Chris. Absolutely knocked it out of the park. As usual.
I knew that it was a lipstick Roman. I thought it was more of a sex doll or something. But you were talking about actual human Romans.
Anna, you got second place. Yours was also eerily accurate. You guys have kind of a weird mind meld with AI, which I think will serve all of us well when they turn on humanity. Unfortunately, Elliot, that means you lost this one. Elliot, you're at zero, sadly. Anna, you got second place. That means you got zero points added or taken away. So it leaves you solidly in second place. Two, a friend, Chris, who doubled his points.
Chris, you win the golden stethoscope. Oh, I know. Born by Dr. Jordan Reading himself. Oh, wow. I always wanted to be a doctor. Thank you so much. I'll be doing mammograms after the show, okay?
That is definitely what that's for. That's what it's for.
I put it right on the titty. You heard it here, folks. You put it right on the titty. Right on the titty.
Thanks for watching. Pick the facts of the game show. Join us next time. Whatever that'll be. |
cracked | if_the_movie_clue_were_twitter | Hi! My name's Michael Swain and me and my pal Abe Epperson made most of the cool videos on Cracked for about 12 years. We even did a movie once. Now, we're trying to make another movie about the time my dad came out as a gay furry. It's funny as fucking balls and we need your help to get it done. Please, head to seedandspark.com slash fund slash papa hyphen bear to find out more and see how you can get involved and earn awesome rewards any Cracked fan would at least not hate, probably.
Well, yes, quiet, cheerio and all that. I suppose you're all wondering why I called you in to the shocking disclosure parlor. As you know, our gracious host, Mr. Bonnet, sometimes called Mr. Black, was found murdered low this very evening. Pop, pop, top, top.
My poor and late husband. Oh, how I mourn him. Faith and Bagora, it is a tragedy true. Thoughts and prayers to your family.
Oh, right. That'll help. Darlings, have you seen the portrait of Mr. Black and I in Ibiza? We are the most wonderful... Please! We can all share memories and associate ourselves with the perceived positive qualities of the deceased later. Quiet. For now, it is my grim duty, cheerio pop-tart, to inform you that I have discovered, with incontrovertible proof, the identity of the killer, which is in this very envelope. Wouldn't be surprised if it were bleeding copper, envy Mr. Black and all. I see what you did there. Yes, yes. No, no, no. The police are the thin blue line protecting our freedoms from the poles. Oh, here we go.
First of all, he wasn't black. It was just his name.
Oh, you don't get jokes. That's cute.
Police are a squad of murderers designed to protect the rights of the wealthy. So... Darlings, did I ever show you the picture of me with a squad of murderers?
Please, please. Right. Okay, this is very simple. Yes?
Through process of deductive reasoning, I have discovered the nature of Mr. Bardet's demise. He already dropped them black. They're already spinning it.
This is how history... Proof! Facts! Evidence! Facts which must be simply accepted without reproach or extraneous comments. I was going to say how history...
Opening the envelope now! It was you. You bashed the poor blight of skull in with a lead pipe in the conservatory.
No. Oi, false news it is. Oh, lack, Miss Scarlet, my dearest and oldest friend.
I am flooded with thoughts and emotions. Yes, I'm sure. And there will be time enough for them. But now I think the urgent thing is to ponder...
Now, this may be pulling on a thread, but Mr. Bardet and I once discussed Miss Scarlet in the context of 17th century oil paint. Oh, no, no, no. Threads. Threads are too long.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Peacock Blackbody, but I must keep us on track. Yeah, another exploitation of Blackbody. It's her name. It's a hyphenate. Your name is Mrs. White. And I must pay her as a vicar's fish and chip paper.
Right. Fine. Good. Brilliant. Now, look here.
I am not trying to insult anyone or imply anything. I'm simply providing some useful, verifiable information that we can use to determine our next action as a group. Fascist. Mm-hmm. You know who else determined the next actions of a group? If you say Nazis, so help me. Hitler. I'll see you.
I think as the accused I have a right to know the source of your information, darling. Certainly, certainly. I found the pipe embedded in the body's skull and your fingerprints all over it. I must admit, while these facts seem compelling, my feelings for Mrs. Scarlet imply that she didn't do it. So, that is what I believe. Yes, a common psychological phenomenon. Oh, what would you know? Um, I'm a psychologist.
Oh. In your face. Oh.
I do believe this. Been dunked on. Well, that really blew up. Would anyone be interested in listening to my series of lectures on tape?
Oh, look at all these jokes.
Oh, like that. Absolutely. Quite interesting. Now, how do we know the Colonel here didn't simply fabricate his findings and is, in fact, other murderer? Puppycock! Everybody knows I haven't touched a pipe since we all found out the CEO of the pipe company is sexual predators. Oh, I see. And that makes you so much better than I was done, eh? Indeed. You decry pipes and yet kiss mark a pipe. Interesting. Some words mean two things. Now, the fact is that a killer remains at last. Yeah.
You. You and the rest of the PC police trying to destroy the pipe industry and hamstring and stand up comedy no end. And boomers. Although, darling, you must admit that by heaping scorn on him for his decision to speak his mind on issues close to his heart, you yourself hope to confine his means of expression. She's right. You're projecting. Fuck you! You're projecting your own projection onto her because you think you're so much better than me.
Yeah, no thanks. Thanks for playing. But no. Right!
Now I've called the constable and he'll be here shortly to arrest Miss Scarlet. And then I'm blocking all of you out of my mind.
At who? At me!
I'm sick of it! It's not healthy!
Why don't you all just keep your fucking mouth shut if you don't know what you're talking about? You apes! I swear! I'll kill every last one of you if you don't stop yammering this instant!
Oh, beta male soy boy Nick Bierch. So much for the marketplace and ideas. You mad colonel? See, if you call them defensive, they can't reply without sounding defensive.
My husband died! Oh, I know. And we're all very sad. Your grace at this difficult time has been inspirational.
I'd just like to say that although I know what I did was unacceptable, a lot of time has passed and I feel like I've learned quite a bit. And all of the feedback, even the death threats, I'll use as tools to learn and grow. And I hope that with your patience and understanding and forgiveness, you'll all buy my new book, Killing Your Darlings, One Woman's Journey of Self-Discovery.
Yours, queen! Get it! Get paid, sister! Do whatever you want! I'm leaving! |
cracked | new_year_s_eve_least_productive_work_day_ever | New Year! Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on. It's noon, so... So, what are your New Year's plans? No, we're doing the meeting, and then I'm finishing my New Year's. Chris, it is noon, my friend.
Are you in a bathroom? I'm in Helsinki, man. It's my brother's birthday. You're in Helsinki? Tell Peter Ben I said hey. No, Helsinki's a place.
Hey, girl, hey. Never mind. Walter, the agenda, what do you got?
I'm going dancing with some friends, and this gal they hang out with, who I guess likes dancing. Me too! Okay, so I emailed Brad with a logo, and he hasn't gotten back to me, and that's all my stuff. You know there's an ice park they set up in my neighborhood? Are you patting me right now? I'm going to that too, with Cal and Sally and Paul. And Paul and Sally Kay! Yeah, yeah. Me too.
Uh, it's weird. Also, are you kidding me?
Like when your cat tells you little jokes. It's someone else's turn for business. He just told one. Sam, I thought you lived on the other side of the country.
Why are we even skyping right now?
Wow! What are the odds? No word for Brad, so if it's just logo stuff and fun happenstance, I'm going to split. Hey, Mr. Grumpy! Turn my coins. What's gotten you so bent out of shape? Huh? Yeah, who do you think you are, Gumbin?
I'm stuck, man. I'm stuck in this bathroom. It's been hours.
I'm already hooked. I feel like I'm in an episode of like something, but I haven't learned anything.
There's a lesson there. Well, there's a lesson anywhere if you're dumb enough.
True. Hey.
And yet you still wanted to get off the phone with us as quickly as possible. Gee, thanks, Chris. That's like saying being locked in a finished bathroom is more desirable to you than chatting with your friend. Chatting with us. I mean, yes, but I shouldn't let you know that.
So let's hang out and chat and talk. Okay. Clearly, no one has any other business, so let's just hound Brad about the logo visit next week, okay? Good meeting, guys.
See you tonight, Walter. Oh, I'm not going to the ice park anymore.
Bull rice. Why not?
Our friends are clearly trying to set us up. Sally Kate pulls that bologna on me every year.
Ew, no. Concur. Yeah, so good meeting, guys, as I said. Doesn't make it less false if you say it twice, Walter. Oh, also, could either of you mail some food to an apartment in Helsinki? Okay.
Sorry, I didn't catch that. Make sure to specify the window in the dirt. Dirty what? Under the north side tree with the prickly balls. With the leaves and the fog. But not the one with the droopy. I don't understand the Helsinki words.
Dirty window north of the tree. Dirty window south of the tree. No. Dirty window north of the tree. True stoops past the dream. Dirty window...
Never mind. Remember what? Hold on, we need to write it down.
No, Henry. Happy New Year. God bless us, everyone. Henry, no! |
dropout | the_true_horrors_of_a_world_without_blockbuster | Ha! Blockbuster finally closes last store. It's about time. I mean, can you believe we actually used to go to those places? Yeah, video store.
I'd love to drive to you. I'd give you three dollars so I can rent a DVD for five days. I can just find whatever movie I want to watch on a little thing called Netflix. Like, if Netflix doesn't have the rights, like, I can just see if it's available on Hulu Plus. You know, because a lot of the time that doesn't actually work, I can just see if it's on demand this week.
And if it's not, I'll just ask my mom for her HBO Go password. And when she can't remember it because she can never remember her HBO Go password, fine. I'll just sign up for a bunch of one-week free trials of Google Play and Amazon Instant Video and Crackle. And then I'll forget that I signed up, and I'll forget to cancel it, and I'll end up paying for subscriptions for an entire year.
But it's like, whatever. If it's not even on those sites, that's fine.
I can just bit torrent it. Doi! I can bit torrent it from a series of international mirror sites based in Moldova. And after I found a torrent that actually works and I close all the pop-up ads, it's only a three-hour download. And say I have to convert the .RAR file to an MP4, you know, and then the sound doesn't work on my Wii U and my PSP Vita.
Fine. I'll just download a Divix converter codec so I can play it on my computer hooked up to my TV with an HDMI Thunderbolt cable. Fine. And also, I can just watch it on my Apple TV through iTunes with a rental that's, you know, only 24 hours. But fine. If something comes up in those 24 hours, that's okay.
I'll just watch it on YouTube in a series of 10-minute chunks that somebody made by filming the movie playing on their own TV. But yeah, video store, you're definitely the most convenient way to watch a movie. |
SaturdayNightLive | tiny_desk_concert_snl | Thank you so much, Npr. we are the Jonah Hughes band. I'm Jonah Hughes now. that last one usually has a lot more synth, but since this is a tiny desk concert, we got to be quirkin' it up. right now? Yep. that's why I play a milk carton shaker. he is usually on the cello, and now we're joined by our drummer, the Goose. Say hello, Goose. I'm kidding. goose is a nickname. my species is human. Man, goose is so funny, man. we've never actually played in an office before, like a real one, but being here is a dream come true. the next song is about an ex of mine. it's called crazy Girl parentheses Amanda. hey, guys. hi, yeah, can we be quiet, please? some of us are working. uh, sorry, what? yeah, we're on a call, and right now there's a little too much ruckus. Oh, well, we're doing a tiny desk concert here. it's kind of a big deal for us. yeah, well, this is Npr, so every day is like a big deal for us.
So can we keep the ruckus down? Thank you much. uh, okay, I guess I'll just keep going. I mean, is that guy like important here or something? no, that's Elliot. he's a new intern, but he's 35. he said he goes to Suny Newark. someone told me he's working on a new podcast about Ai and Rural queers. that sounds interesting. Yeah, it's beyond interesting, actually, and I'm excited to announce we've landed on a title for my podcast. it's called beep Boop I'm gay now, which is a play on wait, wait, don't tell me, but it's not funny at all. instead, it's going to be poignant, important, and really, really funny. you just said it wasn't going to be funny. don't speak for what I have said. all I'm asking is, what's with all the ruckus? and what do we owe each other? And in a divided America, what is music? more on this when we come back. who was he talking to? uh, I don't know. let's just keep going. the next song is called Crazy Amanda, parentheses and stupid too. I met that girl and it was good for a week. Hi. I'm sorry, I remember me from asking me to be quiet, still working here. And nevertheless, the ruckus persisted.
Dude, don't do that. I'm just on an important zoom with Ira and Terry, glass and gross. Oh, come on, Elliot. it's a tiny desk. this is our biggest thing. Yeah, biggest thing so far. Speaking of big, I'm brave enough to say it. that desk is not tiny. never was. just feels small because there's so much crap on it. by the way, this could have been an email. How?
I mean, this concert is. seriously, just let us finish our set, brother. every time we're about to make it big, we get interrupted. an office invaded. the desk is represented. our episode today brings us to Rural Washington, D.c. Rural? we're not doing a podcast, Elliot. our next guest has an interesting journey, his career marked by moments of interruption. Jonah Hughes, welcome to the show. Hey man, big fan of the Pod. thanks for having me. Okay, you're doing a podcast now? When I arrived, it turned out the ruckus had been music, and the band had written me a theme song. let's take a listen. Okay, yeah, yeah, how about something like. one, two, three. if you're gay or a robot in a small rural town. beep, beep, beep, boo. |
SaturdayNightLive | ladies_who_lunch_saturday_night_live | To another great lunch. Aww.
Sylvia, I have to ask, where did you get that dress? Oh, it's actually a very funny story. I was at the Chanel store just minding my own business when this man came up to me. Trish, we're over here. So this man at the Chanel store, he walks over to me. wait a minute, Sylvia. everyone, look at Trish's hat. Oh, hi. sorry, I'm late. My God, Trish, that's the most adorable little hat I've ever seen. Oh, this? it's perfect. tiny hats were the rage at Fashion Week. don't you just love it, Sylvia? it's a very small hat. Anyway, Trish, I was just telling the girls the wildest story. so I was at Chanel.
I'm sorry. I never do this.
But that hat rocks. absolutely. it's fantastic. it's just so perfectly Trish. it's beautiful hat I've ever seen. I've never seen a more wonderful hat. to us. yes, to us. Love the hat, Sylvia. Oh, thank you. Oh, sorry I'm late. Trish, look at Sylvia. I guess you're not the only one with an adorable little hat anymore. Oh, how nice, Sylvia. thank you, Trish. I tip my hat to you.
Smaller hat? Smaller hat.
Oh, Trish. Oh, goodness. Advantage Trish. Trish is a fashion icon. she's amazing. unbelievable. it's Mom and her Sylvia. to women.
So, Sylvia, no hat this week? Oh, oh, I'm wearing a hat. take a look into this microscope. Hmm? tell me what you see. Oh, my God. it's a microscopic hat. it's the smallest hat known to man. it cost me four million dollars.
I wonder how Trish will respond. I think she already has. She struck herself. And her hat. she is just amazing.
No one beats Trish. Trish. To Trish. To Trish? To Trish, what did you get?
Another stupid hat? Sylvia. I mean it. as far as I'm concerned, you can take all those little hats and shove them up. Sylvia.
Trish died this morning. she was in a motorcycle crash. And her helmet was tiny.
Hello. it should have been you. I feel awful. Oh, am I late?
Trish, you're alive. faking your own death is the new tiny hat. Hats off, folks. |
dropout | the_epic_bacon_boys_internet_popularity_consultants_hardly_working | Guys, I am so happy with the work that you're doing here, but I've hired a couple of outside consultants to make sure that we're maximizing our internet relatability. Those sound like meaningless buzzwords. Oh, did somebody say buzzfeed?
Haha! No. Epic bacon, Bill Murray, I'm Scoot, and the good sir, am I right? All that zipper. Mwah! The good sir? Oh, it gets me right in the feels, guys. Let me start you off with the easiest question of all time. What is comedy? Oh. That's actually a really difficult question, you know, it's entirely subjective, whether- Ooh, fail! Kill it with fire!
Comedy is a series of finite references, and here's the best part, Bill Murray, the more you repeat them, the funnier they get. I combed your website and found nary a Ron Swanson meme. Ron Swanson's on TV, why would we post quotes if people aren't heard? I'm gonna stop you right there, Bill Murray, Epic Bacon.
Okay, people don't want to see new things. They want to see screenshots of TV shows with yellow subtitles. They want to see fake, passive-aggressive notes written to neighbors who don't exist. If you want to see epic content, check this out.
Holy shit, right? Next thing you know, the Game of Thrones actors will exist outside of the show! But don't shit your pants yet, Scootle down, Bill Murray. Oh, I'm sick, though! Jamie Lannister wears t-shirts! Oh, right in the childhood! Blam! You two are parrots, none of these things are new or worth sharing. Rawr, face palm, man!
If you have new content, how can you be positive people are gonna like it? Yeah, but that's the beauty of it, you know? Like, the creativity, the risk, like, what's gonna happen?
Someone made bacon stuff bacon! I love bacon!
You're not listening to me. But you don't like bacon?
That is so fail. You need to re-bacon your fail. Yeah, pardon my French, but a la fail.
Good one, sir. All my upvotes to you. Listen up, Bill Murrays!
If you guys don't want to get in line and have the same opinions as 12-year-old boys, then you've got no place on the internet. Well, I'm sorry, Sam, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Scoot and Zip, but we're not gonna do that.
Because here at College Humor, we have a little thing we like to call integrity. Integrity. Integrity!
Guys, keep coming down in here, please. We're trying to shoot Google as a guy 7. |
cracked | contact_review_aka_what_happens_in_vega | Is this stream like PG-13? Good question. I need to know. Really difficult for me.
Don't say the name of the movie either because we'll get a copyright strike for sure. Oh yeah. Let's actually not talk about the movie at all. I'm a little afraid that if we just talk about the contents of the movie we might get in trouble.
Great start. All you hear is me drinking this Dr. Pepper can. Just housing a Dr. P. I love these little these little guys. They're my favorite. Oh a little like airplane Dr. Peppers?
Yeah.
It's just like perfect. It's exactly how much I want. It's like perfect.
Yeah. So now I'm going to add my voice to the thing. I hear us and we sound good. Yeah. All right.
Do we have to watch? I don't want to see it. I don't want anything to make out. I'd like to watch.
You're back. Jesse, are you in a new position of your room? Like this is like a new setup. Yes. So brand new man. Well so I've got this like this makeshift sort of like VO booth that I would use in my old apartment. And I set it up in a more temporary situation here but I finally got around to making it like more permanent and I found a good spot for it. Yeah.
So we're going to make it work. We're going to make it work.
So now I'm talking now. Let's see what we're. I think you guys are fine. So.
What are your decorations? You have an elephant. You have the bathroom. You have the bathroom from Twin Peaks.
What? I've actually never watched Twin Peaks. Are you kidding me?
Why do you have like black? Why do you have black Chevron and a red frame then?
Or is it a is this a thing from? I need to send you something.
I think we're all. We all sound pretty good. All right. Nice.
There is a very famous scene from Twin Peaks maybe arguably the most famous.
Yeah we'll see. Okay so I took the DVR off which is to say nobody can rewind it yet. So. You know maybe we'll just. Let it go public at one. And we'll see if anybody joins at all.
And I'm also recording my audio and garage band. I'm not because I'm stressed out.
So I'm just we're just going to. You know as the Lord wills it. Let today happen on my. That's what I'm doing. Okay. Well I just sent you guys a picture of the red room from.
Twin Peaks. Oh from. Fifty Shades. Yeah yeah. Fifty Shades.
Oh. That's really funny. We're going to do that one next right. I mean. You know. Oh.
I've seen the red room. I never noticed the floor though.
I mean like the black Chevron pattern is a big thing. Like the bathroom in the school in Twin Peaks is like Chevron pattern. It's all crazy.
All right let's do this. I'm going to make us live now. Okay. We can just. We recognize this right now. Okay cool. Let's shoot the. The poop. You ready. Breeze. Yeah. Three. Two. I mean I don't know if we're actually live but it says that we might be. I'm just going to. Okay.
We're just going to sit here. We're just going to stew in it.
See if anybody else joins this thing. You know maybe they will. Maybe they will.
Ali this is. This is from the.
This is your astronaut helmet. If you'll recognize it. That's my astronaut helmet. Well when we were an astronaut in that in that sketch and that super metasketch.
No but I got switched. I became.
I ended up taking the role of the patient. Right. Well the patient. Oh no no. Yeah I think the patient is the astronaut.
Because the life comes in with bringing you your suit. Yeah we got. We got people watching now. We have actual people.
No way.
What's up. Wait. What's up.
Stupid sketch comedy.
Two years ago. It's working. Who's in there. I should check this out. But I want to see what it looks like. Is that an unprofessional of me? Oh, it might be, but I'm doing it too. Wow.
Hello everyone. Who's there? Do we have? What's up.
Angel. We got the records. Yeah. Yes. And Ray. Brian. Oh my gosh. This is. There's 65 people watching. Yeah. Only by like a minute. We're still in hair and makeup. Is this a first? Yeah. It's not a first.
Technically we did this once before in August. A year and a half ago. And it went very poorly.
So I expect. Oh good. I expect something similar. I love how you always set such a positive tone.
King Kong. I don't have King Kongs in my car.
I'm not going to grab them. I don't care enough. I'm sorry.
Wait, who's King Kong? Your dog? You left your dog in your car?
He is actually a very large gorilla ape type creature. Who terrorizes New York City at a certain point.
We have. Oh look, it's my sister. Hey. Aww. Could also be my wife because they have the same name. But it says hi brother.
So let's unpack that. All right. You ready? Let's unpack that. All right. Let's just get going with this thing because we got people here. No, no, no. We don't have to get going. We're going to do the thing. I'm going to roll the intro video. You ready? That was the end of the video. Great. So we're starting. Okay.
Welcome to Cracked Movie Club. The show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better.
I'm the literally live lamentably. Lamentably?
Yeah. loquacious lover of sane like and lord of this podcast, Jordan Breeding. And I'm joined by my co-lords, Jesse and Ally. Oh, I'm. I have an intro today. I'm.
Okay, go. See. Oh, wow. Oh, that's it. That's it. Okay. You went all out. Great. Thank you.
And I am the lord of the rings. It's me. I'm the Oscar-winning trilogy.
And today. Thank you. We watched Contact, the 1997 film because Ally told us to. And Jesse is going to recap it for us if I'm not mistaken. Yes. Well, I actually didn't watch this one. So just based on the, the film poster. Yeah. Okay. So let's see. It's contact.
It is based on a Carl Sagan novel. It was a novel, but he originally wrote it as a screenplay, but then it was taking too long to actually get made. And he's like, ah, screw this. I'm going to make a novel.
So. Is that true? Yes. Kind of badass. Yeah. It's yeah.
He was a cool guy. Heard good things about him. And so the idea that he was just like, ah, whatever.
I have some extra time. I'll just fucking turn this into a novel then is kind of what do we make it. I already seconds before you said a swear. We're going to get demonetized. Yeah. Now we need a swear jar because the monetization hinges on not saying curses.
I'm really sorry. I genuinely, and I really mean this.
I like work with children professionally throughout the week. All I do is work with kids and all I do is talk to children. And so the minute that I like I'm stuck on the not talking to children anymore, I'm always like, time for the real me, you let her rip.
Yeah. This is where Ali unwinds. No, no. Unravels. Really. It's all good. I think we made it 30 seconds. We're fine. Jesse, continue with this film written by Carl, you know, swears.
Sagan.
Yeah. So, okay. So it went through a bunch of different iterations. What we saw on the screen and then a pretty good.
So it starts out with a young girl talking to a bunch of truckers on her like CB radio, which is a hobby that her father totally cool with and encourages her to keep on doing it. She's like hearing from people all over the country and immediately to establish that she likes to to explore technology and how far she can literally contact people. She starts asking like, oh, can I talk to people in Florida? Can I talk to people in China? Can I talk to people in on on Mars? And then she gets to. Can I talk to my mom? You find out that her mom has passed and she's ultimately she's like, got she's on this spiritual journey to use to almost use technology.
She sort of grows up. Not caring much for religion, but by the end of the movie, religion and technology are melded together. So throughout the course of this, once again, two and a half hour long movie. She quickly grows up. I loved it. It's just that it's long. So she she grows up.
She's working at a some sort of satellite array, right? Or I forget where where she first starts working. I don't know, but it was in Mexico or or Southern America, Southern America, South America. Yeah. So OK, so so she's basically we find out that she's this like promising young astronomer, but she's like foregone all like like a conventional career path. Like it's stated like she refused to work at Harvard because she wanted to sit around and use technology to try and listen for aliens, which she's at first derided for doing. But then she falls in love with Matthew McConaughey and goes on to actually discover she actually.
Finds the first contact from an alien civilization. So what this alien civilization has done is they've returned the first broadcast that that was ever beamed out of Earth.
And it turns out it was a speech that Hitler gave at the Olympics, which is a confusing way to shoehorn in some weird Nazi. So I know when they when they like zoomed in and enhanced on the Nazi symbol or the swastika, I was like, oh, huh, this movie is about to take a pretty wild turn. I know, though it takes so many weird turns.
That's why I like it. Well, I'm getting ahead. Go, go, go. Yeah.
OK, so anyway, they they she receives the first contact. They figure out how to how to like translate the weird signal that they're getting into a message, and they find all these like hidden Easter eggs sort of within this message from the alien race. And so the rest of the movie, they're they're trying to put together this puzzle, which literally involves putting together a gigantic structure that will ostensibly send a single space person out to the star Vega. The space to the space person, an astronaut of some sort. And so anyway, yeah, so they create this you they create this machine using blueprints that the aliens had sent them. They ultimately Ellie Jody Foster gets sent goes and meets a star, I guess.
I couldn't I guess we can talk. Yeah, I have a lot of thoughts on who she actually talks to. Yeah.
So she gets she gets beamed out. She goes, shoots all these wormholes. They think it's going to take her like 40 years or something like that. But instead, it turns out that she's she actually never left as far as the humans on Earth are concerned. It looks like this machine just sort of blipped. She just fell right to the bottom of it and nothing ever happened. But she had this like 18 hour long experience of shooting through wormholes and meeting a star and stuff.
And so the last little bit of the movie is dedicated to like talking about like, well, like like equating faith in God to faith in science. And aren't they really just the same at the end of the day? It's sort of the message. Yep. And that's pretty much it as far as I can tell. Yeah.
Allie, why did you want us to watch this movie of all movies? OK, so I remember watching this movie probably on television when I was like 12, 13. And I like very vividly remember everything from the building the machine onwards, like the wormhole stuff and the coming home and the like testifying in front of Congress. I remember all that perfectly. And then they put contact on HBO Max not all that long ago. And I was like, I think I liked this movie when I was a kid. I think I remember being like really into this.
Then we watched it and was like, this movie is a journey. It's like it's a real like interesting exploration of like the like writing principle of like of this is true and else is true. Like I really enjoy that this movie follows that in a way that like I don't think a ton of movies do. Like I think a lot of movies can fall into the trap of like you get stuck on one bureaucratic problem for a really long time. And then we have the solution and then we have the resolution. And this movie has like ups, down, sideways, underneath. It's your loop to your point on that, actually, because I know you're going to compare this to Interstellar a little bit. And I think one of the best things that Christopher Nolan does is OK.
So if time moves backwards, what what does that mean? And he builds set pieces around like, oh, it'd be wacky if you did a car chase. It'd be wacky if you tried to attack people.
And I agree with you that I think that's a that's a thing that's missing a lot that Christopher Nolan, who made Interstellar, which is like this movie, does a really good job of being like, all right, so if we're going to explore wacky planets that are different from ours, let's do three crazy planets or more. Exactly. And a wormhole. And this also has like has like human.
If this is true, it also is true beyond just like also in space, because it's like what if a alien race that knows nothing about humans sent back a video that in our context is quite ominous and like evil, right? Like we watch that video and we're like, what? And like you get like chills because you're like, are they evil? Are they bad? But like, obviously, the answer is that in context, it was just the first broadcast that was strong enough to be broadcast that far out in space.
So they don't know what they're showing us. They don't know what they're sending back that they have no way to communicate.
Or is that a convenient excuse? Oh, you know, well, no, but just like I like love that because then it adds this whole other like political element where like the government's like, OK, yes, is it cool that aliens contacted us? Sure. I can't just tell people that they sent us back a swastika. That's going to be like, like, that's going to ruin everything.
Like, I love that. Like, I think that that's so cool that it's like this, like the movie is in two spheres, very realistically, the like real governmental, like political sphere. And then also, though, like Carl Sagan wrote this. So the portrayal of a wormhole is probably pretty accurate based on what we know sphere. And so it's like a fun movie that has some fun twists and turns. But I also feel like it.
It's not too concerned with everything's easy on Earth so we can get to space faster. Let's hurry it up. And it's also not like space was amazing.
It was totally perfect. There's no consequences for what happened on Earth. It's all just like great that it all happened.
Yeah. Did that make sense? Yeah, a lot of drama where when the stakes get really high for humanity, these things that are just sort of like quiet debates really come to a head between, say, science versus religion that, you know, was that turned violent, ultimately, you know, like reckoning with our history and how it looks in context and all that kind of stuff. It was more than just like, wouldn't that be funny if like aliens saw our Nazi stuff? It was like, here's what would happen if they shot it back to us today. And we had to reckon what would that mean for what we need to do? Because like Jodie Foster's character is just so enthralled that we've made contact because that's her whole point in life.
And she's like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Like, just tell everybody and let's go and let's go figure it out. And like everybody else is like, we kind of actually can't do that because people will freak. Like people will freak out about the existence of aliens. People will freak out about the message we received.
Like I just like I like that there are so consequences such a huge part of the movie. And like I feel like often with space movies, the whole point is getting to space. And so anything that happens pre getting to space is just kind of BS. And this movie is like, no, it's going to be really hard. There's going to be a whole selection process on who gets to go. People are going to feel different ways about it. Some people are going to get into like weird cults that are like the vegans are coming to save us and other people are going to be like there are Nazis in space. And it's like it's all very real life on the way to the insane space stuff.
Yeah. Yeah, it's a sci-fi movie that's really more about like the human condition rather than like wacky technology. You know, it's well, the whole thing. I mean, I would argue that the whole thing is space is just sort of an arbitrary construct around to argue, OK, what is the intersection of science and faith? And if anything, it lands a lot harder on faith being important, which I think is a really interesting, particularly knowing that Carl Sagan wrote the source material for material for this. And I think. I think it's really interesting to that effect. And I don't know how I feel about it. I will say just from a guy that looks at plot holes all the time. Why in the world would aliens build that as a way to make contact like a like a whole arbitrary work? It did.
But then it's her dad. And now it's like, OK, he's like, I'm not technically your dad. I'm an alien pretending to be your dad. Also, kiss, kiss. Let me rub your face. Yeah, but also you have your mom's hands, which I know, yeah, as your fake dad.
Yeah, I have to say, like, as much as I love. I really love this movie unironically, the weirdest part of the movie is her meeting the alien because it's like I don't mind that he's like, hey, I'm not really your dad, but I need to do something that your brain will comprehend. And this felt like an appropriate vessel because I knew you would pay attention to me and take me seriously. Cool. I knew you wouldn't freak out if you saw your dead dad. I know that's the thing, though. The whole thing with the like hands and stuff and the caressing. Yeah, that I don't really have anything positive to say about that.
To be her dead dad, they have all of her memories. They remember her as a kid saying, I wonder if we could go far enough out in space where we find mom.
She's going to what a way to make you think that you're in heaven or you're tripping or something as opposed to like, hey, it's it's Matthew McConaughey's there. And he's like, you know, I exist on Earth, but like I'm in a human form right now. And just, you know, I have all your memories as opposed to like I'm something that you can literally only experience if you are losing your freaking mind. It's your dad in the flesh. He's like, no, no, no, but I'm an alien.
And then also to just just to make it all like, all right, you're going to go back. Good luck explaining all of this. It's just very odd.
But they said they've been doing that for centuries. That's how it goes. Billions. Yeah, yeah. It's it is.
It's just it's really interesting. And I think it's funny because I almost feel like it's subverted a little bit because the whole thing is that she's wearing a camera or whatever that records everything.
And she gets back and they're like, oh, it's nothing but static. So you have no proof. And they're like, yeah, but it's 18 hours worth of static. And I was like, so they do have definitive proof. There's nothing to argue.
How could she find out? I mean, I mean, the specifics of her dead dad licking her face or whatever could be debatable, which, by the way, maybe that's a title. We're going to ask, by the way, for all the people, I'm just going to realize that you exist occasionally. I might wink at you if you ask.
Cool. Live stream people at the end of this, if you've seen contact and even if you're just listening to us talk about contact, we're going to ask you for alternate titles and dead dad licks face or something is now officially in my notes. Top contender in the running. Yeah. So great, because I don't have any alternate titles. So take it away.
So one one thing about that scene, about the scene on the alien like the space beach or whatever, where she meets the alien space beach. So Robert Zemeckis said that in an earlier so for a while he refused to work on this movie. He said he read a couple of different versions of the script and one of them, he said he was on board for like 99 percent of it. And he said in the last few pages, that ending had the aliens descend on to Earth.
They were like these angel like aliens came down to Earth and they put on a light show for all the humans. Sounds dumb on paper, but also it was interesting to read that because as soon as that scene starter were in there in the weird alien world, it felt like my immediate thought was, is this just a projection? Is this just a show that they're putting on for Ellie or whatever? And I literally thought this looks like a light show.
So it's very interesting that even though he hated that aspect, he kept that for the the real end. I do think that's a better version.
I mean, if his whole thing is he wants to think about faith and this like having a human experience that's unexplainable, inexplicable in some ways, but is but is not. Unreal just because you can't prove it, although I think that's sort of subverted by it being provable. But like this idea like Matthew McConaughey had an experience with God. Or maybe an alien. That's that's another weird potential thing is are all of our spiritual experiences aliens that just like to screw with us before they meet us?
I would love that. So I think I like love the idea of ghosts. I'm like very big into ghosts and stuff like that. And I like I just like the idea of something screwing with me. I don't know why. Well, so good. We could talk about ghosts. I was going to say I'm about to bust out a punnett square of truth here in a little bit to talk about this. I'm very excited about it because this this falls in very in line with a lot of things that I've thought about in the past. And it's just this interesting idea, right?
It's it's this. They literally say at some point you need to find your own truth. Right. Which is a pretty common saying that people have now. However, do your research. She says that like to the kid at the end. If the aliens were real and they came to attack Earth, it really doesn't matter what your opinion, your truth is. The whole planet will explode. You know what I mean? Yeah. But is that not true, that we would find a way to argue about that? Oh, my God. Until the minute the planet exploded. Some people would say that that's the ration thing. Right. Well, but that's the OK.
But they're not he's not saying that as look at you dumbasses trying to find your own truth. He's saying he might be saying that. I don't know. Could be. He's like, the truth is that your dead dad will lick you. What do you want to do about that? No, but I mean, it's it's basically, I just think it's interesting to use aliens as this idea to talk about truth, specifically faith type truth.
OK, we're going to make a punnett square. You guys know what a punnett square is? You guys take biology anytime recently? Yeah, refresh. So a punnett square is a way to test.
I mean, I'm sure there are a million different ways you can do it. But it's like genes. Basically, it's like, all right, well, if your mom has recessive alleles and all that stuff, your mom has blue eyes and your dad has brown eyes, like here are the chances that you're going to get whatever.
And here's just what I was thinking about with truth. And so this is I don't know why we're doing this. It's so exciting. Are you going to like turn around a punnett square? Oh, yeah, I'm going to. I'm so excited to be able to read it. But let's let this is great. I feel like I'm in 10th grade again.
Yeah, yeah. So OK.
So there's two there's two kinds of truth. You correct me if I'm wrong on this. There is objective truth, which is presumably inherent to the to the object. Right. So grass is green. The sky is blue, whatever. So there's objective truth. And there's also subjective truth, which is to say the way that I feel about a cookie or whatever is true. But it's but it's only true for me. It's this thing that we're talking about right now. It's it's subjective. It's it's it's that. And then there are two ways that you can interact with truth, which are whether it's known or it's unknown.
OK, just to say, I mean, I think that's pretty self-explanatory. And I think those are really kind of the main categories. Right. So if you've got an objective, if you've got an objective known, that's a fact. Right. Uh huh. That's a fact that's identifiable. And we all know it. If you have a subjective. That's like. But those also like within your punnett square analogy.
Some of these things are more powerful than others, because, like, for example, if it's like a recessive allele and a dominant one and it's like capital P, lowercase P, you get the capital P. The lowercase P might not even be there. You have to get two lowercase P's in order for it to be blue eyes or whatever it is.
Do you know what I'm saying? Sure. So it's like in this, like, are certain things more powerful? So that like if it's objective, if it's subjective, but known, is it stronger than objective? Well, possibly that's kind of its own. That's that's like a whole separate. Yes, I don't know. You could definitely make those arguments, too. I think a subjective known is is an opinion. So that's like, again, and these are inarguable, right? Like I could say the best cookies in the world are my mom's. You can't like I mean, you could argue it a little bit or whatever, but like on a certain level, you know, it's it's not like we're trying to achieve a certain like objective truth. All right. Let me keep going.
So subjective unknown. Is a thing that I don't think exists. So in a way that that would play out is I say, Ali, which of my mom's dishes is your favorite? OK, because that would casserole because that would be an unknown subjective. How can you have how can you not know a subjective? Like you may get to that point. You may learn it at some point, but there's not really a categorization of that. And then an objective unknown is faith.
So that's what this movie is essentially talking about, which is if, you know, aliens exist or they don't exist. My opinion on it right now is is faith. Right. And my only point being with all of this is to say that when they're talking about aliens, there is a right answer. Right. There is an objective.
They either exist or they do not exist. It doesn't matter what your opinion is anyway. So I just think it's a misclassification to say, hey, kid, you know, do you believe in aliens? Better find your own truth. And the kid's like, I don't know, baby. And it's like, OK, but if they attacked, they are real or they're not real. It's just, yeah, that did strike me as a little faith and this stuff, as opposed to saying, what do you believe? Let's go figure it out. Yeah, it's not your own.
I mean, it's the truth of all of the universe in existence. Anyway, it's just that, like, I think that the end of the movie is supposed to show that having a whole world torn on believing her very important, life changing experience hasn't destroyed her because like, I think it could be argued that something like that could destroy a person and that they would like go into hiding and not be in science anymore. Like imagine if the most the literal most important moment of your life was then televised and people just were like, well, I don't think it happened. Sure. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that would really suck. And so I think that's the point at the end of the movie.
I also don't feel it's super in character for her trajectory. She just doesn't seem like a person who would dedicate her life to teaching children. She seems like one kind of a loner. Like she's very happy to put on headphones and sleep in the middle of the desert by herself. And she's also like super obsessed with fact and like being like entirely objective and da, da, da, da, da. So she did not seem the kind of person who would be like, what are stars?
Very good, Tom. Like that didn't feel that you seem like she would be even crazier. Right. Because she's like, I've been there. I can't waste time talking to children crazier. Just like more inward and more like I'm going to make sure I write this down properly because like I I know it's corny. I know it's corny. But I love the line where she says they said they should have sent a poet. That's good. I love that line. And so like I could see her trying to spend the rest of her life trying to to the best of her abilities.
She's doing slam poetry. Yeah, you know, doing slam poetry.
That's what I was going to say. That's like it's you're doing to doing them all right. Yo, the universe is tight. Yeah, nice.
So I thought that my take on her like ending scene where she's like, what do you think? Like, do you think aliens exist? What do you think?
I thought that that was out of character because it's instead of like I think it was meant to like strengthen the idea of faith. But instead, I think it just like softened the idea of the scientific method. Because she's this like hardcore scientist who then by the end is like, oh, science is basically the same as religion. So do think whatever you want to, little kid. It just seemed to undermine her whole thing. I just I'm always like the teensiest bit aware of like what happens with women in movies because like and I'm saying this literally as a person who teaches children during the week. So, you know, take this with a grain of salt.
But like she just doesn't seem like that kind of person. And it feels like just the teensiest bit not understanding of women to be like, women love kids. Do women not love kids? You want to show me a woman who doesn't like working with kids? This woman's going to love working with. I think what you're saying is just sort of like that doesn't seem like her bag.
But that's fine. Like, OK.
So Carl Sagan is is incapable of passing the Bechdel test. Yeah, the whole movie is a total failure.
Well, I think I really like it. Like, I really I also like her character. I know that she's like kind of a character that's a vessel where like things happen to her. But she has opinions. She like, you know what I'm saying? Like, she's not like, oh, gee, oh, OK. I guess I'll go to space then. Like, you know, she's really holding her own. She's just I was I was going to say on the on the women thing.
I think the whole love story arc with Matthew McConaughey was so weird because I got the I got that he I immediately was like, oh, he's asking her this hard question because he doesn't want to go because he said it up like, you know, you're going to be there for 50 years. Everybody you love will be dead. And she's like, he tells her that outright when they're walking around the Washington Monument. He's like, I didn't want you to go because I wanted to kiss you here. She's like, damn it. And then they kiss. Well, but I mean, I thought it but he also had the talk before where he's like, just so you know, if I say if we send you everybody you love. Gonna die.
And she's like, yeah, I don't get it. OK, that affects literally. I don't love anyone. And he's like, no, what? And it's just it is weird that he cares about her. Like, they just interacted so briefly and that she doesn't call him for like four years.
Yeah, so just Matthew McConaughey is like the the sex pot masters of divinity pastor who just couldn't do the celibacy thing is just such a weird role for him. It's a weird character in general. I actually would like to read the book to see if they're slightly more there. So at one point strange little man. And at one point was George Miller wanted presumably that character. But but George Miller wanted the actual Pope to be a big part of like the central cast of this movie, which I guess means he wanted George Miller, Jodie Foster to fuck the Pope. Yeah, he was he I don't know. I don't remember if he ended up actually working on this finished film, but he was one of the people that it like pass through his hands at one point.
Man, they should like like the Pope and Jodie Foster are going to be walking around the Washington Monument kissing. We're left to conclude that. Yeah, Pope is like, I just couldn't do the celibacy thing anymore. Once I learned about space. Yeah, that'd be really hot. Yeah.
But there's a lot of stuff that this the script went through so many changes, even while well, so Carl Sagan did actually like he worked on the actual filming like he kind of like gave seminars and stuff to the cast and the crew. So he was around. He like died before it came out, but he was around for a lot of it. But the script passed through so many different people, several different mediums. Like I said, it was originally a script, then a book, then 10 more scripts. So he probably I think he actually co-wrote the original script with his wife or with who became his wife. So there's a lot of storylines that they just injected for the sake of the movie that he it seems like he just got sick of objecting to it. He was like, all right, just make the darn movie.
We could swear it out. We're well past 30 seconds. You can you can say all sorts of swears. Everybody take your kids off the screen. Jesse and I are about 30 seconds.
Was it just like was it just like a warning period or does YouTube only watch the first 30 seconds? No, it literally says when I have to go through and do monetization stuff when it says like inappropriate language. It one of the the things that's safe for ads is doesn't do hard swears in the title or in the first 30 seconds.
So as long as I'm sorry, box. I mean, usually I get it right and they trust me. But we've had some where YouTube is like, you lied to us. You lied.
Can I? OK, so my guess is that some people are going to be like, I wonder if this is really live and I'm going to prove. Just hold up the newspaper. I'm going to prove definitively that it is because I'm going to give you a little behind the scenes look of what it's like to record with us in like when we're not live and say that I like really have to go pee. Oh, wow. Go for it, man. You right now.
I'm going to go. I'm going to come back.
But give me like 40 seconds. I don't blame you, Ali. Honestly, I was thinking about doing the same because I got it. I got to pee. I think we have to stagger. We can't leave Jordan by himself. Fine. I'll talk to the people. I don't care. Go pee both. OK, guys.
Here's here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do.
When I come back, I want to talk about how this movie is really overscored and I want to talk about like the moments of this movie that should work that are like undermined by corniness of just like 90s movie making. And I feel like that's very much Jordan's bag. So I'm going to I will marinate. I'm going to come back and talk about one thing to marinate in your piss while you're doing that.
Yeah, yeah. I just want to say I did enjoy this movie. I just I just had a lot of hot takes that I wanted to get to. But the 90s scoring is another hot take that I don't like. So go ahead. No, it's it's a major downfall of an otherwise really fun, really good movie.
You're back. Told you it was live. And then Jesse's going to go to. All right. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to take some questions from the audience now. I'm nice. Are you going to are you going to go pee as well? No, I'm good. OK, cool. You have any questions?
This is the worst live stream of all time. OK, yeah, it's me and I've seen worse.
Me and you cells. Who can squeeze faster? Who can vamp or we can vamp? All right. Vamp can squeeze faster. So your bladder. Right. Yeah.
So, OK, I just remembered another very specific thing that Carl Sagan and his wife like objected to and got it actually removed from a certain version. They wanted to have Ellie be pregnant. And at one point and then later on, actually has the kid. But like one another one of these like sub points that they really wanted to drive home was like she wants to contact everybody else in the universe. But you can't make contact with her own son. Carl Sagan was like, I don't know, man, it's not really what I'm going for. OK, what mean things did you say about me while I was gone? We said that you wanted to contact the whole universe, but you can't make contact with your own son. Yeah, well, they almost I was saying they almost had a subplot that Jordan would have loved because they were they were going to try and inject the child into this and Ellie was going to have a kid and she's going to be a single mom. And one of like the whole things, the whole takeaway would have been she wants to contact everybody in the universe, but she can't make contact with her own son.
Yeah, some Jordan would be bad. I would have cried a lot in that because, you know, any time we insert a child into a movie, I get a little sad. I was like, oh, no, her dad.
Jordan's got a thing for for for children in movies and Ali's got a thing for sexy little codes. I love it for another sexy little code, but I don't think that Matthew McConaughey has a sexy little code. He's very he's got all over the place. A little code called the Bible.
But does he he's just like, but does he's he's very he doesn't seem very like principled. He kind of like, I don't know what I think. I guess I think this now. And it's like, OK, I don't know. I'm not into it.
He's like, yeah, I'm wandering around the jungle interviewing freakin scientists that literally nobody could possibly care about. Like, there's no way that anybody is on the edge of their seat. Like, oh, I can't wait to see what Matthew McConaughey is going to get from this random astrophysicist or whatever to being the the White House correspondent to Jesus.
That's pretty. Yeah. How did that happen?
I don't know, but I should try that. As you know, I was you should go find Bill Clinton. See if he's interested.
I was an ordained worship director at a church right before getting this job and having to talk to people who say swears in the first 30 seconds of YouTube shows. So really, you get to talk to people who swear in the first.
It's like your two little wayward children that you have to like find a way to get back on the right path. Like you took a spin off the street.
I have two of my own kids don't have any moral code. Two of my own wayward children with no sexy little code because they're too, they're too young to understand what a sex little code is.
Exactly. Yeah. Anyway, I'm sure a kid will break in here at some point. It's always possible that my oh, that'd be exciting. Yeah, it'd be fun. I think then I really enjoyed us. Right.
Are we allowed to show children? I don't know.
It feels like a matter of time before Jordan like choreographs one of those like cute things where like a kid walks in while somebody is interviewing on CNN. Oh, my gosh, my my beautiful reading from a script is like made up. She's in a dress.
Yeah. And she's like, I just really wanted to tell you that I love you. And you're like, please, honey, I'm doing a live stream. My unprofessional co-host will have to go. Yeah.
Daddy, daddy, I made this punnett square. Papa, you're doing such good work in the world. You're a good man. Oh, thank you.
Yeah. Get out of here. Thank you for teaching me about recessive alleles at such a young age. I'm sure I will hold on to this forever and become a famous scientist like Jodie Foster in the movie Contact. Right. Oh, full circle. Great. Let's talk about the score because. Yeah, so that's bad. Yeah.
It's really like this is obviously something I would have never had a thought of when I was a teenager because like your brains too busy keeping you alive. But as an adult, when I rewatch this movie, there are so many moments that I think are really great that are so wildly distractingly overscored. It's like it's such a it's very much a 90s problem. But this movie is like a top offender, I think.
What's going on? Gosh, I was stupid stuff right now. You're like, no, I'm trying to score and she's offending me. No, I was I was reading about literally just about the soundtrack on the Wikipedia entry because it didn't the score didn't even register to me. I'm not I'm not sure. So like, what is it about? What rubbed you the wrong way about it?
It's like it's Schmaltzy Jurassic Park. Yeah, like the intro stuff where it's like they're like sensitive piano, but with like not quite fully there. Like I think one way to describe it is the score could have fit in any dramatic 90s movie ever made. Has nothing to do with space, has nothing to do with any. So like if somebody took the interstellar soundtrack, which is very dramatic, synthesizer heavy, gives you that vastness and the swelling like crazy sounds. I think this movie would be massively improved, even just the tension of the Earth scenes and how dire they were. Now, granted, it is a little bit of a different thing. To your point, like a huge amount of this movie takes place on Earth.
She's actually not in space almost at all. Almost the entire movie. Yeah, some don't even think she went at all. But I I'm going to say she was only in space for point four seconds. So, you know, she's only getting licked by her dad for like 18 hours.
Oh, can I say one more thing that I do like? That was another thing I like. I sort of said this when I was pitching this movie last time.
I think this movie set the tone and the future for what space and space travel looks like in movies from here on out from now to come like I think the visual language of interstellar is there in part because this movie paved the way. I think it's because like Carl Sagan had something to do with it. And so obviously it's like it's one of those things where like I don't know what it looks like because I'm an idiot and also I've never been and I haven't studied it. But sometimes when somebody shows you an image and it just feels real to you because it's based somehow. In fact, there's just something that happens where like your B.S. meter doesn't go off and you're like, I accept this is real. And I think that this movie got into people's brains.
Yeah. And was like, I accept this is real. Wait, has anybody played the game Outer Wilds? Yes. You played Outer Wilds, the like shooter, the recent one. It's not a shooter.
It's like a space exploration game and it's like it's it's a time loop game. You're a little alien in space and the world ends. But every twenty two minutes you would go back and keep doing this loop.
No, I'm thinking of something else. I can't remember what it's called.
OK, the game's amazing. It's incredible. I can't read it more. Somebody in the chat is going to be like, I've played Outer Wilds.
Someone come, come for me, please. My hero.
There's a scene in this where like they they there's a scene in Outer Wilds where they are chasing something called the Eye of the Universe. And then you finally get there and it's this insane dramatic ending and all the wormholes and all the everything in the music.
I was like, this is contact. This is a person who, whether or not they know it, like absorbed contact. And was like, I like space. I'm going to make things about space forever. Do you know what I'm saying? It makes me like, I thought the opening sequence where they zoomed all the way out into, you know, eternity and ultimately into Jodie Foster's eyeball or whatever. I it started out me being like, yeah, the CG looks a little dated, but then they like went through, I think Uranus, probably, to be totally honest. I think. Nice dude.
They went through your anus. I think they probably went right through my anus.
And I was like, now I'm feeling something that I wasn't feeling. Yeah, Carl Sagan actually, instead of her eye, he wanted the universe to be contained within her anus. Yeah. In her anus, why is it always going to be ambiguous? Gender, gender, that ain't it. Yeah, come on, Carl. Oh, can we do what we can say about that scene that anus? I'm going to write that down as a possible.
So that's so Ali, I remember you saying that. And so I was keeping an eye out for times that I thought they picked this one out of here. So that specific big zoom out felt exactly like in Men in Black. Which I actually can't remember before or after. Did it come from before or after? It must be before. I remember seeing Men in Black in theaters.
Hold on. Not literally.
It's a whole thing where if you remember the scene, 1997. A powerful year. What a year for space.
Yeah, the whole the whole thing where it's like, oh, the like the galaxy is contained within this little marble. And wow, look, more marbles.
Just like zooming out and really like very at the time blew my freaking mind, like the blew my anus out. It shit my pants. Squeeze my bladder and maybe have to piss midstream mid livestream. Excuse me. Somebody shit my pants.
Yeah, that was a couple of episodes ago. That's fun. What a fun fact. I think maybe even only one episode ago. No two. We released technically burning today on Spotify at 9 a.m.
So yeah. Yeah, cool. Yeah.
So anyway, point is, I like the movie. I think this movie set a tone for future space movies. So if you like space movies, I think regardless of whether or not you like contact, you got to give a little you got to like throw up some props for the movie, because I think like. The way that it dealt with human interpersonal conflict, like political, earth conflict and also the reality of trying to depict something that we may never see in our lifetimes like has just kind of wormed its way into people's brains.
Yeah. I agree. I mean, I did feel a lot of that.
I mean, maybe it actually inspired Matthew McConaughey. Maybe he's just been sitting on this. You know, he sat on it for 15 years and he was like, I want to be in another version. And then when Interstellar came around, he's like, finally, I don't have to be the faith guy. I can be the science guy. He gave up.
He was like cast as the lead in some other big movie that year. But he like dropped out of that in order to be the weird love interest of this movie, which I guess it paid off because this movie is a huge hit, but like he doesn't come off. I mean, he was just done got done with shit, I forget what his big movie was a year or two before. But this seems like a step down from like Matthew McConaughey leading man to Matthew McConaughey, you know, fuckable viable guy. I mean, he was just the rom-com boyfriend for a while and then like escaped that niche and like went to being back in like leading man roles and like weirdo roles.
Which is like what he was born to be. He was born to be a weirdo. So it's like, I'm so glad that he was able to like escape the sweet home Alabama niche and be like, no, I'm a total weirdo.
True detective, true detective. This is calling. I think Interstellar and True Detective were the the first two times I ever cared about anything related to Matthew McConaughey, because even though that's that's really much later in his career, I had always still I was like, oh, yeah, the guy from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or whatever, the movie that I didn't see. Right. Exactly.
He managed to like get out. Good for him. He got out. Good for him. He got out.
So I'm going to say one other thing that I found interesting, which is there is a ton of shots where things are shown in reflection or or oh, it's so cool all the time. There's some of the more typical ones which are like somebody's running and you realize you actually have been looking at a mirror and you're like, oh, that's cool. It's a bathroom mirror.
But there are other and there are other times when they're like, we should call up the scientist in charge and they call up that dude instead of her. And then he's on the TV and she's sitting there sad. But there are a lot of other instances where like, yeah, the the terrorist guy is looking at her reflection on her window or at the very end of the movie, they're like, Matthew McConaughey is like, I believe in her. And then they scroll, they they roll up the window and the White House is reflected in there or something like that.
It's it's interesting. I wasn't I was trying to find a through line, like if there's a reason other than, hey, you know, it's rad. Is it your shots reflections? It seemed like there was a while where I mean, you know. Like bad things were on screens or whatever, like there were reflections of terrorists or the reflections of people getting the credit or whatever. But then, you know, it's like, well, that's how they communicated with us, too. I was trying to find if there's like some sort of commentary about the Internet or media, but I didn't feel like anything ever quite landed for me to be able to say definitively. Is there like a through the looking glass kind of thing? Is there I don't know if there's like more to that comparison.
Is this like an Alice in Wonderland story? Like she goes down the rabbit hole.
Yeah, Uranus. Yeah, yeah. She goes down Uranus. That's very possible. Um, I was in Uranus. I was reading about that one. In Uranus hole.
There's like a lot of YouTube videos about how they did how they executed that mirror shot in contact where she's running down the hallway and then she touches the mirror and she opens it. And it's like a practical mirror. It's very complicated and really cool and has like a lot to do with key framing things in and out. And, you know, it's it's excellent. And it's really cool because like you don't realize also how much that also helped pioneer technology for removing cameras from mirrors, which is another thing that I watched quite a bit of behind the scenes on with the movie Black Swan because so much of that movie takes place in mirrors. It's like all about your mirror image. And even when it isn't strictly about mirror images, all these like shots of them dancing in a ballet studio and you need to like have a full shot of the studio. So obviously the entire set and crew are going to be in the mirror and they like were able to digitally get them out. Really cool stuff.
I'm not going to try and explain it because I'm sure I will do a terrible job. I just think you should YouTube it. Yeah, in in Black Swan, could they have been on the other side of a one way mirror filming into a studio with a mirror on the other side? Is that a thing? Because that's what I would do if I think it is. I think it is a thing.
But they weren't doing that because there's a lot of shots of them from behind were like, let's say like it's like a shot from behind. And like Natalie Portman's here doing like for days. And then like in the mirror is like the entire rehearsal room watching her. And we're supposed to be like, oh, my God, she's getting her moment. And everyone's paying attention to her. But obviously, that means there's cameras here, right? But what if that was a like a one way mirror?
I don't know. It doesn't matter. I don't know.
I can speculate. Why would I speculate on this?
We do nothing, but I just watch it. There are smart people out there. You're talking about it. You know, I'm going to counter myself. I think we should all find our own truth. And that's how I think they filmed that scene. And there's really nothing you could do to argue with me to prove me that I'm even if you have.
Yeah, I I mean, like, isn't that a common isn't it like a theme throughout life that like the person who makes a scientific discovery is always like deemed crazy at first? It definitely seems that way in recent films such as Don't Look Up, which people said a lot at the beginning of the stream.
And yes, I'm aware that I have not seen. I haven't seen it.
But like, I mean, like real life, like like not even like the trope of the scientists in the movie, because like, as we've said, I love the trope of the science, the spunky little scientist in the movie that's like, yeah, don't listen to me. Like, I'm always the Charlie for the Charlie Day in. Yep, always.
But. Like in history, the guy, the guy who invented germs, invented germs, the guy who made germs. I hate that guy. The guy who proposed that germs were a thing was this guy named Ignaz Semmelweis, and he was a doctor. And all of his fellow doctors were delivering babies and like cutting women open. And then they would die or they'd get like sepsis or whatever.
And so he was like, do you think we should wash your hands? And they're like, why? They don't seem dirty. And he's like, right. But here's the here's my thought. Like, what if there are particles that could get into people's bodies that are too small for the human eye to see, but nonetheless are there?
And they were like, bitch, you crazy. And they sent him to an insane asylum where he died. Yeah, right. And then like that happened. And like didn't like Alan Turing, right? Like he died in disgrace. Uh, yeah, that has a lot to do with being homosexual. Yeah.
Did he invent that? After after saving. He invented.
They're all crazy. He's like, no, I think it's pretty cool. But yeah, you're right. They really did nail that thing where it's like we we now know or whatever we the viewer know that she's not crazy.
But like you never really get to put yourself on in in the shoes of who is your your germ guy? Fatty is something with her bottom. Ignaz Semmelweis. Yeah, that guy.
So we never you never think about. I didn't even know the guy's name. That is you never. You can never be in Thaddeus's shoes, but that.
But we can be in Ellie Kemper's shoes, whatever her name was. Jodie Foster shoes.
Yes. Yeah. So yeah, that's really powerful. That's another thing that the no names correct. Powerful, very powerful. We're working on power here. You guys got any other points you wanted to hit up?
I had one one interesting thing. The the actual device, the actual contraption that they build was really, really cool. It was originally designed for Terminator 2 in a scene. A scene that ended up getting cut. But it was a it was a time a time displacement device in T2 took it. Cool. Pretty much. They're like, we need a sci-fi machine. Who's got something amazing? I guess somebody's like, I drew this. But they got it sent through code through aliens. Oh, it was actually. Yeah, but that actually came from that.
Possibly Jeff Bezos. So which also what this ball in space, this ball billionaire lives in space. They called Jeff Bezos 30 years early.
He did exist. He was around. Amazon existed. But he wasn't bald. He wasn't bald yet. And he was still just selling books.
He was watching contact and going, I'm going to be that little freak. That's that's me. That's fine. Bezos, go ahead. Die in space, please. That's the thing. You know, like people talk about when you need to see yourself in film, like when representation matters. That's that's what Bezos experienced in that moment.
He was like, oh, my God, I could be a bald little freak in space. Well, that's the thing that's so and then he was like, I think really good sci-fi does a great job of predicting the future. And so for one guy to be like, I bet Bezos will be bald in the future that we will have rich bald people. I just think that's incredible. That's why this this film holds up so well, because they predicted that Bezos would rich bald people would not be those in ninety seven.
Like when was Amazon even found it? If anything, he was still just starting out killing the brick and mortar bookstore. Like Amazon, as we know, it definitely didn't exist.
There's no way to think that this guy would be a space billionaire oligarch. I wonder who their space billionaire that they were referencing, or maybe they were literally just like, you know, I bet rich people will just. I mean, I guess this is kind of a it's becoming more tropey of a thing, but it's like, you know, eventually rich people are going to be like, you know, it sucks Earth.
I'm going to build a space station. Yeah, we're going to call it Elysium. And Matt Damon's going to blow it up. And Jodie Foster is going to be on it. And also living in the International Space Station can stave off cancer.
Just if you ever. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah.
Just up until you need to account for a possible acid trip into. Yeah, then I do actually like that shot of them slowly zipping up the body bag. That was kind of chilling. I like to have to see him being slowly pushed out the airlock or whatever.
Yeah, 100 percent. I was absolutely wrecked by a satellite shoving him down the toilet. Absolutely.
He was like, and jettison me into space lads. And they were like, OK, Jeff, and then they sent him away.
That's I will just to your point earlier, his character is one of the the only kind of bummer things about the movie as it relates to her character, which is very like she never gets to choose almost anything. She's just like, I want to make I want to look for aliens more. And it was like, no, no, no. And then rich guys like fine. Or she's like, I want to go to space. And they're like, no, no, no, no. And then a terrorist is like, well, I'll kill the people in your way.
It's just a little bit like she doesn't create enough of her own forward momentum. She does some. Obviously, she finds the the the live stream in the desert, but there's just not enough. I wish she did more convincing of people and less taking advantage of terrorists and rich people doing things they were going to do.
Were you shocked by the terrorist attempt or did you see it coming? I didn't see it coming. And by attempt, I mean success. I mean, like he absolutely did what he came straight up.
That's Gary Busey, by the way. I thought it was like just some other guy with weird teeth. That's that's Gary. There's only one guy with weird teeth.
It was the one I knew that this guy was not going to go to space. I didn't think that a terrorist was going to blow him up.
I also wrote down on my notes, the whole thing, like the fact that the whole thing gets absolutely tanked. I think that's kind of a bold little step for a narrative piece to be like the whole thing's gone.
All that money, the like three thousand. What was it, like three hundred billion dollars or something?
And saying like, oh, but don't worry. We've got this other machina that we can yoink a dais out of. It's a little goofy to be like, it's the end of all things. I just kidding. We literally have one right over there. Yeah, but that was Jeff Bezos' problem. Well, I do think it's funny.
They kept mentioning they're like, this is so expensive. It's it's a third of a trillion dollars. I was like, I mean, that's like, what, like three stealth bombers now?
Like, yeah. Yeah.
I was like, I mean, I'm sure it's expensive in 1997 money, but like, you know, and yeah, I also was I was like, that guy seems a little old. Like the only guy that you're going to send to space is like in his fifties. Like, what if he has a heart attack? You should be sending some kind of a point, though, that he was like, I've lived a great life.
I'm fine to go. Whereas like the other guy was like, my family begged me and I can't leave now.
But also with her, they're like, are you having a heart attack? Are you having a heart attack? Are you scared? Are you having a heart attack? And she's like, not having a heart attack, not having a heart attack.
So I just to think that they would send a much older dude. I just feel like.
Are you if you hear the loudest sirens in the world? I think they finally get up to you. Yeah, they knew I cursed in the first 30 seconds of live stream and they've come to cops their year. All right.
So that's not that wasn't Gary Busey. That was Jake Busey.
Thank you to any comments.
That's his son. You idiot. It is. Yeah, apparently. Unless you're leading me straight, right? Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, he could be making you look stupid. He probably is. Good luck. All right.
I think those are all my main points for the movie. I would say you should watch Contact and I would say you should play Outer Wilds.
Those are my two thoughts. I only have two thoughts in my brain and those are two thoughts.
I wish I could think of what the heck the name of the game that I did play was. I swear it was Outer Wilds Super Mario Galaxy. There is a name that's called Outer something out and it's like Outer.
Is it? Damn it. I don't know.
Outer Wilds was like very highly regarded and like won a ton of awards and stuff. So I swear I'm not just like pulling some random thing out of my butt and being like, I swear it's great.
It's all curse words transition right now. We're going to we're going to do titles. We're going to do all titles.
And Christian, nice. His his answer or her answer is very, very weighted. So what do you got? We got. Oh, let's just go until we see what they say.
I have waste of. Yeah, throw out some waste of space because they say that like 10 times.
I have two hand touch as the alternate to contact like contact football. And there's two hand touch football because she gets touched a lot by her dad.
Mm hmm. There's now dad licks my face. Gender that anus. DM from space, Alice in your anus hole.
So all of those are probably not as strong. Jesse, whose infinite playlist do we have this time? I'm a frickin Johnny Foster, of course.
Oh, that's a good idea. You guys are full of good ideas. Yeah, that's what I'm here for, baby. I'm trying to I'm trying to think of a of a bussy joke with Gary Busey, but I can't think of one. So how about I could see we're deep in thought over there. I'm pulling out my contact space, says Christian. Nice. Thank you, Christian. Two one. OK, here's a good one. What happens in Vega? Oh, I really like that.
I'm not being sarcastic. I didn't think you were until you said that. I mean, everything I say is totally honest to you, Jesse. I have everything I've ever said. You should take a face value. Huh. OK, you've said some fucked up things. And I meant them. OK, that's my main one. I don't think I have I don't think I have any bad ones this this week.
The Vega. No, I like what happens in Vega. That's very good. We'll let people catch up a little bit. There's the Vega Chronicles. Interesting. I actually have no idea what that's referencing, but I bet it's good. It's the chronic what calls a Vega? What? Well, the six Vega. Um, I will say while we were waiting for some contact, my wormhole, what kind of normal, very good, what happens in Vegas, Vega classic.
While we were waiting for some ideas to roll in, something that I do feel in many movies and like we've talked about it quite a bit, but this one because it is a prime offender is like when people are reunited with loved ones as ghosts or aliens or visions or whatever, especially parents, it's always a little it's like not like how people act with their parents, even if you hadn't seen them for 25 years. Do you know what I'm saying? Like. I don't know. That's one of those tropes that I. Like if it was my turn to write one, I would really be trying to pay attention to like, like trying to nail it and be feeling like it hasn't been nailed quite yet. And what did they do? So she sees him sort of like walking down the beach toward her and then he gets there and they don't do they embrace? They like, you know, because she's like in shock. So I don't know the embracing and the petting of the hair. It all is very strange. And I do feel that I have the, you know, like there's weird things that you get to be like the the unofficial expert on because you just know a lot. I like Ellie and the children of two dead parents. And I'm not letting my dress my hair if I meet him in space. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I like like that doesn't seem like it's something you did when you greeted each other.
Exactly, exactly. So it's like it's going to be the same, even if it's like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm meeting you in space. Like we're going to still keep it the way the relationship was. Yeah. I imagine I'd just be like, holy shit, dad, and give him a dap first to kind of feel it out a little bit. I die. Yeah.
And that's that's like what I was saying, which is she very quickly deduces that it is not, in fact, her real dad. And that's why to then be like, oh, I don't know you at all.
Lick kiss. Well, you're touching my hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you're my real dad, who do my hands remind you of? Yeah, your mother, your mom. Damn, dad, I will say that is an interesting thing for him to say, because the real dad only knew her as an eight, nine year old.
Yeah, so they're they're extrapolating from. Wait, from what? She has no memory of her mother. So what are they extrapolating?
He's never. He's just you're right. Just say bullshit. He's just like, oh, yeah.
Your hands are probably like your mom's. I don't know. You don't know your mom. I don't know your mom.
Nobody could prove me wrong.
That's my thing. Like Jodie Foster's character seems so smart that and so logical that, like, I think she'd be like, what? Yeah. What? Yeah, let's keep talking. But maybe turn turn into like, I don't know, like fucking who was big in the 90s, turn into Bill Clinton or something. And it's all over this week. I was very surprised. He is. Well, what's interesting is co-star. Absolutely.
They originally wanted to cast an actual president. But then I guess it was Zemeckis.
So like Clinton gave a speech about a Mars rover that had some some like verbiage that just fit perfectly into the script. So he's like, we are keeping it. He said something about like sound and space. And he's like, this is going in. We're just going to use clips. Yeah, yeah. He was like, he just said the Mars rover met its dad and kissed it. And it was like, oh, my God. Yeah, perfect.
Yeah, can I I will recommend I'm just recommending things now for a movie that nails the experience of being in space and being at being in space and being here to dad. No, of being a adult woman, young adult to adult woman and having a dead mom. And having her weird friends treat you as their friend. You got to watch Mamma Mia 2.
Here we go again. Well, there you go. That's next stream.
Yo, it's first of all, love the movie. Have never watched it without crying hysterically.
But it really, really accurately nails the experience of how your mom's friends who you don't really know are like, my vagina is dry. And you're like, don't tell me that I am not your I don't know you. Why are you talking to me like this?
It's great. Really, I like I said, I have to give props when I see it accurately, accurately represented in film. And that is one of the most accurate representations I've ever seen.
Of my mother's friends, vaginas. Yeah. Oh, cool. So typically we would sign off here. However, we usually like going for another hour. We have that thing. It's the rule. Once somebody mentions dry vaginas, that that's when we should wrap up.
But I I've really been the villain of this live stream, and I apologize for that. Why don't you go pee or something? Yeah, I really do have to. I'm holding it. You're so brave. I was going to say, since people are what is even happening right now? OK, I thought somebody had just like hopped on the street.
What is this? Here's what we're going to do. I think what we were what we said we wanted to do offline was it's February.
It's the month of love and other things that are much more important. It's also like his lust, for example, Black History Month as well.
Yes, it is. So with those two guide rails or guardrails in mind, somebody suggests some movies romcom. I don't know, Jago Unchained. I don't think that's probably the most helpful film in existence. Oh, how much if I've got much to say about that one?
I'm going to give you guys like what 30? They're a little bit behind, so I'll give you what 30 seconds to come up with something. And you guys, we're going to sit here in silence for 30 minutes.
What's what's your favorite romcom?
Jesse, go. Yeah. What's something that really defines the genre for you? I guess Moonstruck. Yeah, I mean, that is not wrong. Like Moonstruck is like such a definitive entry into the genre.
We've got Sweet Home, Alabama, The Land Before Time. If you love Matthew McConaughey.
Well, is that the one where she gets? What's the one where she gets lost in? She lives in a Walmart forever? Not Sweet Home, Alabama. That's always the title that is like your heart or it's Natalie Portman. And she lives in a Walmart.
Are you familiar with this film? Where the heart is. I'm going to throw that out there because I haven't seen it.
Why does she live in a Walmart? She. She like hides there. She lives in a parking lot like. Oh, she like moves aside a bunch of boxes and builds like a rat hole.
Oh, fun. Oh, yeah. There's actually a weird little sci-fi short story about that that got turned to a televised black and white musical with music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim. Love and basketball. OK. Trujillo.
Juneau is a really good romcom. That is a very interesting and unique entry. Into the genre. High fidelity. I love you, man, out there because you love it. Really strong feelings about it. I just saw it in theaters with my dad at the time.
Well, he's still my best friend. Devin, you're still my best friend.
Sorry, I doubted us. Whoa, drama. And, you know, just it set a blueprint for the rest of our lives. Somebody mentioned the cable guy. He is three now. Oh, this is also an intervention. Yeah, take it easy, kid. Oh, Dan and real.
So cable guy, I also meant to mention when I was looking at when I was looking out for movies that this that were inspired by this for a minute, I thought maybe the cable guy because they there's that big climactic scene like on a big dish. Yeah, got to wonder. This is a very large array. Absolutely. Yeah, this movie made dishes sexy. Lars and the real girl. You guys seen that?
Oh, that would be a weird little foray. That'd be fun.
Scott Scott, look, someone said Scott Pilgrim versus the world too. Possibly my all time favorite movie.
I'm going to start with that one potentially for this whole. Yes, I've got a really good guest for that one. We just got to schedule them. But maybe we can get them on. Oh, my God.
Is it my isn't Michael Cera? No, no, no, it's not quite. Are you best friends with Michael Cera? No, but I saw him on a bus once in L.A. So, yeah, I think Scott. Is it Scott Pilgrim?
All right, so I'm also just going to sign off on this by saying we are not going to do this every week. This is going to be like a maybe a monthly thing, just kind of at the end of the month.
Yeah, but we do have an audio only podcast that is on Spotify and Apple podcast. I think it's on Facebook because we want to partner with the worst people. So we're probably going to get it on Amazon Music or something, whoever. Just give us, you know, Russian media state program. We're going to get on there if we can.
But, you know, it's all over the place. We don't really know what it is yet. We talk about movies that presumably mean something to us. Or maybe they don't. Yeah, it doesn't matter. And we dredge up old traumas. Honestly, the best episodes are when we focus on. Yeah, stop talking about the movie entirely and just for like, I shit my pants in a blockbuster.
That's true. That was really good. Was that the last one?
Sorry, it was a Hollywood video. Am I wrong? You are not wrong. It's a Hollywood video. It is now an anthropology.
And I kind of want to go shit my pants there again. Shit your pants in there.
That'd be really nice. I think it's not going to be wild, but I came as a kid a lot. It used to be something different. But I did this thing that's really stuck with me and I just wanted to relive it.
And I brought cameras. I'm on YouTube now.
It's like when people go visit, like knock on the door of their childhood homes. And they're like, I know this is so weird, but I grew up here and it's so nice to see another family living here.
And I actually shit my pants in this bathroom. If you wouldn't mind if I could just get in there and shit my pants again.
Just feel like I'm 11. Ally, can I tell you, my mom had an experience like that. She was home alone one time and a lady came and pulled that whole thing. It's like, hey, you still live here. Can I check it out?
And she basically took her on a ghost tour of our house. She was talking about all the different ghosts. They're a ghost in your house?
Yeah, apparently. I've never seen them, but I've... Yeah, there's a lot to unpack there. How have we ever talked about this?
Save it for... We're going to save it for one night of our ghost.
Our ghosts are Halloween movies. Oh, man. I love ghosts. Guys, we could have been talking about ghosts in the chat this entire time. I would have ignored you both. Ghosts are like a top five thing for me. Is that true? I don't care about ghosts at all.
Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.
I grew up in fear of ghosts because my house is very, very old. So I don't I don't have an affinity for them, but I've spent a lot of mental energy on ghosts.
That's great. Sorry, I'm so mad. I'm just like, I don't know that we've done anything valuable this whole time.
So certainly, Jesse, where can we find you? Besides right here, right now, because we're live. Mm hmm. Yeah, check me out on Twitter at Isman. E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N. I am also on Twitter. You can catch me at Miss Alice Nutting. That's M-S-A-L-I-C-E-N-U-T-T-I-N-G-E. Also, because this is live, I can finally actually say this.
Awesome. Thank you. You can find me on Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding.
And I live in Charlottesville, so go to his house. Just go find his house. Yeah, find his house.
If you camp at a Taco Bell long enough, I will probably drive through. That's a threat.
And other than that, I have a pre-written thing which says, please subscribe to The Correct Movie Club on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. And remember, we also exist as a newsletter where you get a bunch of movie coverage and essays and crap like that. I think it's villain week this week. So we're talking about villains a lot, which is kind of fun. And sign up for the newsletter at crack.com slash movieclub. And I assume this episode will end up on Spotify if it's at all functional, which is very well- Yeah, we could have all been dressed up like villains for this, and we didn't do that.
Why didn't we do that? We've got to, our synergy is way off. We're going to fix that for Q2. Yeah, Q2 is looking for some real synergy.
Whatever. All right, that's it.
Bye, everyone. Bye. End stream, end stream.
If you love Matthew McConaughey. Well, is that the one where she gets, what's the one where she gets lost in a, she lives in a Walmart forever? Not Sweet Home Alabama. That's always the title that I'd be in, like Your Heart. It's Natalie Portman, and she lives in a Walmart. Are you familiar with this film? Where the Heart is. I'm going to throw that out there because I haven't seen it.
Why does she live in a Walmart? Because it's cheap. She like hides there. She lives in a parking lot. Oh, she hides in it. She moves aside a bunch of boxes and builds like a rat hole.
Oh, that's fun. Oh, yeah. There's actually a weird little sci-fi short story about that that got turned to a televised black and white musical with music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim. Love and basketball. OK. Strahalia.
Juno is a really good rom-com. That is a very interesting and unique entry into the genre. High fidelity. I'm going to throw I Love You Man out there because I have really strong feelings about it. I just saw it in theaters with my dad at the time.
Well, he's still my best friend. Devin, you're still my best friend.
Sorry, I doubted us. Whoa, drama. And you know, just it set a blueprint for the rest of our lives. Somebody mentioned the cable guy. He's a child, he is three now. Oh. This is also an intervention. Yeah, take it easy, kid.
So cable guy, I also meant to mention when I was looking out for movies that were inspired by this, for a minute I thought, maybe cable guy? Because there's that big climactic scene on a big dish. Yeah. Gotta wonder. He was at the very large array, absolutely. This movie made dishes sexy. Lars and the real girl. You guys seen that?
Oh, that would be a weird little foray. That'd be fun.
Scott Pilgrim. Someone said Scott Pilgrim versus the World. Possibly my all time favorite movie.
Yeah, we were going to start with that one potentially for this whole scene. I've got a really good guest for that one. We just got to schedule them, but maybe we can put them on.
Oh my god, is it Michael Cera? No, no, no, it's not quite. Are you best friends with Michael Cera?
No, but I saw him on a bus once in LA. So yeah, I guess he's a resident of Scott. Is it Scott Pilgrim?
All right, so I'm also just going to sign off on this by saying we are not going to do this every week. This is going to be like maybe a monthly thing, just kind of at the end of the month.
But we do have an audio only podcast that is on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. I think it's on Facebook because we want to partner with the worst people. So we're probably going to get it on Amazon Music or something. Whoever, just give us a Russian media state program. We're going to get on there if we can.
But it's all over the place. We don't really know what it is yet. We talk about movies that presumably mean something to us, or maybe they don't. It doesn't matter.
And we dredge up old traumas. Honestly, the best episodes are when we focus on past trauma.
Yeah, stop talking about the movie entirely and just for like, I shit my pants in a blockbuster.
That's true. Was that the last one?
Sorry, it was a Hollywood video. Am I wrong? You are not wrong. It's a Hollywood video. It is now in anthropology.
And I kind of want to go shit my pants there again. Shit your pants in there.
That'd be really funny. They would not know what to do.
This is going to be wild, but I came as a kid a lot. It used to be something different, but I did this thing that's really stuck with me and I just wanted to relive it. And I brought cameras. I'm on YouTube now. It's like when people go visit, knock on the door of their childhood homes. I know this is so weird. I grew up here and it's so nice to see another family living here.
And I actually shit my pants in this bathroom. If you wouldn't mind if I could just get in there and shit my pants again.
I feel like I'm 11. Allie, can I tell you, my mom had an experience like that. She was home alone one time and a lady came and pulled that whole thing. It's like, hey, you still live here. Can I check it out?
And she basically took her on a ghost tour of our house. She was talking about all the different ghosts. There are ghosts in your house?
Yeah, apparently. I've never seen them, but I've. Yeah, there's a there's a lot of time back there. How we never talked about this.
Save it for we're going to save it for one night of Argos. Argos are Halloween ghost movies.
Oh, man. I love ghosts. Guys, we could have been talking about ghosts in the chat this entire time. I would have ignored you both. The ghosts are like a top five thing for me. Is that true? I don't care about ghosts at all.
Oh, I'm sorry. I grew up in fear of ghosts because my house is very, very old, so I don't I don't have an affinity for them, but I've spent a lot of mental energy on ghosts. Oh, that's great. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sign off. I'm just like, I don't know that we've done anything valuable this whole time.
So certainly, Jesse, where can we find you besides right here, right now, because we're live. Mm hmm. Yeah, check me out on Twitter at Isman. E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N. I am also on Twitter. You can catch me at Miss Alice Nutting. That's M-S-A-L-I-C-E-N-U-T-T-I-N-G-E. Also, because this is live, I can finally actually say this.
Awesome. Thank you. You can find me on Twitter at the underscore J, underscore breeding.
And I live in Charlottesville, so go to a house. Come just go find a house. Yeah, find a house.
If you camp at a Taco Bell long enough, I will probably drive through. That's a threat.
And other than that, I have a pre-written thing which says, please subscribe to The Correct Movie Club on YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Remember, we also exist as a newsletter where you get a bunch of movie coverage and essays and crap like that. And I think it's villain week this week. So we're talking about villains a lot, which is kind of fun. And sign up for the newsletter at crack.com slash movieclub. And I assume this episode will end up on Spotify if it's at all functional, which is very well.
Yeah, we could have all been dressed up like villains for this, and we didn't do that. Why didn't we do that?
We've got to, our synergy is way off. We're going to fix that for Q2. Yeah, Q2 is looking for some real synergy.
Whatever. All right, that's it.
Bye, everyone. Bye. End stream. |
dropout | teen_polar_bear_cam | Young lady, what in the hell are you doing? Uh, nothing. Oh my god, are you broadcasting this on the internet? No!
Don't you lie to me girl, you don't even know who's watching this. It could be hunters or middle-aged women. Someone could be recording this.
Hey, hey! Dad? Are you sickos and perverts?
This bear is a teenager. Do you understand that? Okay, her mother is still teaching her how to forage.
Dad, you're embarrassing me. Oh, you think this is embarrassing?
Well, how about ten years from now when you're trying to transfer to a nature preserve and they see this? Stop it, it's fine! You think this is how you're gonna find a mate? Why can't you attract other bears with your urine markings and then let them fight for dominance like a normal bear? Leave me alone! I got news for you, Missy.
I wanted to kill and eat you when you were born. But your mother, she was too good at defending you.
Don't say that, daddy! It's true! Hey, hey, what's going on over here? Oh, it's just your daughter parading herself around like she's in a Coca-Cola ad. Don't you talk to her like that.
Hey, I'm just calling it like I sees it. Well, you know how I see it? I see you going back to your cave and leaving her alone! Oh, fine, fine. I'll do that and leave the parenting to you because that's worked so well so far.
Asshole! Now you turn this fucking thing off. What are you doing? Oh, that's disgusting! Whatever, I like bear porn. |
cracked | how_banks_are_stealing_your_money | Money, cash, green printed paper. I use it, you use it, we all use it. You know, when we have it. Especially when you're at a place that only accepts cash. Like after you've eaten and the restaurant only takes cash or when your car gets towed or you owe your bookie. I'm gonna get you a money, Skinny Pete. So you need money and then you have to run and find an ATM that is either owned by your bank because then no ATM extra fees or you find a bank teller or you're screwed and you end up having to pay the ATM machine to get your own money. Wait, hold up a stop.
That last part, having to pay to get your own money? Is that kind of messed up? Now yes, the banks are allowed to charge us for holding our money. I mean, that's the job of the bank, right? To keep your money safe and cozy within a comfy pillow like vault. But there already is a charge for that. There are many charges in fact that are just for them handling your money. Your minimum balance fees, monthly or annual maintenance fees, redeeming rewards points fee, foreign transaction fee, and sometimes even human teller fees to get your money without using the ATM. Hell, there is probably a fee for fee fees. Just kidding, I made that up. I just, I thought it would be fun to say fee fee that much. Fee fee, it really wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. Anyway, now yes, the bank has the right to charge us money for storing our money, but ATM fees are exorbitant and those who are unbanked are four times as likely to pay fees to access their own money. Why are they jacking up the price of your own money? Well, banks are under a lot of pressure to find income.
You know, since all the drama they've had in the past. Woof, remember all that drama? Of course you do. It affects us to this day.
In addition to the fact that apps like Venmo, PayPal, Google Wallet, or Square Cash make the millennials and technically savvy folk able to avoid green cash money. So, ATM fees are getting hyped up for those people who maybe don't have access to the apps, don't wanna trust their bank accounts with these money accessing apps, can't afford apps, or even the ability to bank, or your parents, you know, can't get the hang of apps.
Okay, that's not fair to all the parents. To all the parents out there watching with their adult children, I'm sorry.
I assumed you don't use these apps. I made a rash judgment and that isn't fair to you. I made an ass out of you and me. Ass zoom.
Point being, banks truly make bank on those little ATM charges. America's three largest banks, JPMorgan, Chase, Bank of America, and Wells Fargo earned more than $6 billion from ATM and overdraft fees according to the report by SNL Financial and CNN Money. That's because the average cost of using an out-of-network ATM has risen from $3.62 in 2011 to $4.57 per transaction in 2016. Sounds like a little, adds up to a lot. Banks will tell you it's because the bank pays for someone to fill the machine and keep the software running smoothly, and it's true, okay? There are a lot of costs associated with ATM machines. But this doesn't have to be the case because what I'm suggesting is you shouldn't have to be charged when you use it. I mean, you don't have to pay if you're a member of a bank and you use their ATM machines. There are plenty of banks that actually refund ATM fees. Ally, USAA, and Simple don't have a physical location, so anyone who banks with them gets a full refund on any ATM no matter where. E-Trade, Fidelity, and Charles Schwab additionally offer accounts that reimburse ATM fees, but they'll get you with those minimum balance requirements.
So you know, I see you guys.
So it feels almost unnecessary to be charged to get your own money from a machine. It's a waste and pointless and cheating us, especially the poor. However, I am not the rule creator. If I was, I would make ATM fees free. You know, out, just not have any fees. But in real life, other than staying within your banking network, getting cash back at the grocery store and using apps, there's not a ton you can do.
You know, unless you wanted to make me the rule creator. Can we do that? Or maybe we could like make a hashtag, like hashtag fee free ATM. Maybe. I don't know, guys. I'd be a terrible rule creator. Don't make me rule creator.
I'm too indecisive. Am I? No, I'm definitely too indecisive.
Oh, shit, I owe my bookie. I can hear him now.
I'm so, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. |
cracked | new_guy_origins_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a retrospective my cracked video this week dips into the David Letterman vault And I realized you guys might like another video dipping into the new guy weekly vault Great zoom now you might have seen every episode of new guy weekly But you haven't seen this episode of an unreleased first version of the show when it was a weekly update on space exploration And when I was a whole year younger And now for a fun look at where all the laughs came from take it away past me I stayed home, and I read about space and here's a thing Sooner or later space exploration will be up to you Yes You okay, Annie. You can do this You can watch a video of yourself without getting hung up on your own face focus on the filmmaking focus on the cuts between shots Even though they're so slow you must have edited this on ambien So focus on the fact that you made a vertical video on purpose just to be funny even though come on young al Don't you know irony died on 9-11? Okay, fine go ahead and focus on your face like you do every time you edit one of these how can you not and wow? The one year ago version of you looks rested like better than rested like you must have edited and shot this on ambien It's okay. It's fine It's just your face and hair and teeth and skin that you've looked at for 34 episodes in a row that has you thinking maybe I should have asked for a budget for makeup or Therapy, but it's fine. You know what? Maybe you can't just close your eyes for the rest of this because they're watching you can't close your eyes keep them open Stare that dumb old video down.
Everything's fine. It's a fact of life time comes for us all Also, if you keep forgetting to wear sunscreen, you're gonna age like a banana You're gonna look like a low-income school gym class volleyball in a wig and a t-shirt Maybe you already do the passage of time is terrifying at least it means this video is over Hahaha Space thank you so much for watching and I'll see you next week when I'm in a much a much closer distance Unless unless this is fine. I please let this be fine Thank you so much for already subscribing to this channel. I want to thank Tom I don't know his last name or how to reach him, but he sent me this very nice t-shirt and Thank you so much for giving me something new to wear in the episode Also, his notes said that NSB radio here is his favorite online radio station.
I checked it out It's mostly EDM and breakbeat stuff. I think it's British and it was cool. You might like it too Also, there's gonna be a video on the site Monday about zombies. I had some hand in it and I hope you'll like it Check it out |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_189_Spanian_Part_1 | What's going on Errol? Look mate, not a lot. Just looking forward to this week's interview, mate.
Can I learn a few things? Yeah, learn a few things about an era particularly that we weren't really necessarily close to and a lot of characters that, you know, we've never met.
But today's guest has met them all and he's done it all and he's got quite a story to tell. Today's guest is a rapper, musician, raconteur, storyteller, I would definitely gas you up on that. Dancer, you reckon?
Yeah, never. Never.
You ever catch me on film dancing? Delete it, I'll be coming after you.
And I guess too, maybe a bit of an educator. There's a few things that I've learnt about things that I never thought I would look about or just from looking at your videos. That's it. Some good knowledge. Yeah, I am an unintentional educator, yeah. And that's usually what happens when there's a story to tell and we've seen it time and time again, you know, particularly in the literary world when there's something that just drops on the table and it feels like something that was so close to you but so far away. And that's basically your story, Spanion.
Thank you for joining us today and let's have a yarn. Sweet, let's go. Now, Speeder, the first thing I want to kind of talk about is you've just released a book, Hood Life Unfiltered, Spanion.
You go by one name. Is that something that's not a stage name, that's just a name you've picked up in your travels as a kid growing up in inner city Sydney? Yeah, that's my street name. That's the name I've had since I was 14, since I think it was the first or second time I went to boys' homes.
Yeah, I got that name because being in like from a minority that isn't like represented well in, obviously, first of all, my background's Spanish, I'm half Spanish, right? That's why I look the way I look. So when I went to boys' homes, someone asked me, because they're tossing up, is he Turkish, is he Lebanese, the more common Nashos, you know? And if you are someone of a more common Nasho where there's four or five of you at a time, you can't be called by that because you can't say, hey, Lebanon, because then everyone will look, you know what I mean? But the way it is in jail, the way it is in boys' homes and even in the street is that if you're of like a peculiar background, if you're Spanish or Colombian or Jamaican or from Denmark, you just get called that, you know what I mean?
So someone is Spaniard, to be honest, originally it was Spaniard, like the Spaniard isn't a Spanish person, Spaniard with a D is a Spanish person, right? And it was Spaniard. And for actually like a year or two, I don't remember precisely, I've referred to myself a Spaniard, so that's it.
So I got that name in boys' homes, come out to the streets, I go, let's see, that's my name. If it's my boys' home name, then it's my street name, you know what I mean?
And I call myself Spaniard, but then I just learned how generic Spaniard is and how much it associates with me, with Spain. And I'm not from Spain, I'm Australian, I'm full-blown Aussie, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm full-blown Aussie from, I grew up, born in Camperdown hospital, my parents are born here, like I'm full Aussie, you know what I mean? So then I start watching like the Gladiator, that Spaniard, then they're talking about Rafael Nadal and the Spaniard, it's like, but I'm not being them, I have to change it. So like I wanted to change it enough where it still sounds the same, so I can not, it's not like you just give me a whole new name, but it's individual. So I chucked the N on the N, Spaniard, rolls off the tongue better, and it's just me, there's no other Spaniard, you know what I mean?
You never wrote, you never did any of that, you know, you never put up panels, never wrote your name.
As far as my graffiti life went, was tagging with a texter on a cell wall, I tagged many cell walls, if you go any jail, you might still see my name tagged up on wall or scratched up in perspex on the clinic window or something like that, but I never liked these people that take it as a culture, like walk around the streets of the spray can, no way, nah, nah, I was too busy. Now speaking of Spaniard, Gladiator, you mentioned, sounds like there's two Spaniards from Willamaloo, because Rusty's down there on the wharf, which brings us to my next point, where you're from, you said there you're born in Camperdown hospital, tell us a little bit about your life and where you would call home, and I understand that's a fluid idea, you could actually call a few places home. Right, so yeah, I was born in Camperdown, Sydney city, the first areas I lived in is the Maryville, Dulwichville area, so little, little kid, 5, 6, 7, 8 years old, running around there. I feel like at that age, where you grow up doesn't become a part of you, because you're home, you're home all the time, so it doesn't really matter where you grow up, when you start hitting the streets of a certain place and you pick up the mannerisms and the culture of that place, I feel like that is what makes you, you. When that age starts happening, 11, 12, 13, 14 years old, I had already moved to the Glebe area, Ultimo, we've got City West Flats, which is like a privatised, subsidised housing sort of thing in Ultimo, near the Broadway shopping centre, and so I feel like that's where I got my culture, my ways from, so I would say I'm from Sydney city. Yeah, definitely, I would not, if someone asked me, I'd never say, oh yeah I'm from Maryville, and I know nothing about it, you know what I mean? I mean it's just that the tattoo on your chest also is a good indication of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Woolloomooloo, yeah, and out of all say like, Woolloomooloo wasn't even the first place I hung around, so obviously moving to Glebe, I went to Glebe High, it was obviously Glebe, then it become Woolloomooloo, Redfern, then it become Woolloomooloo, probably in like the third year that I lived in a city, maybe when I was like, say 15 years old or something, and I just feel out of all the hoods in the city, you've got to understand too, the hoods in the city, right, the entire city which is made up of maybe 12, 13, 14 suburbs is probably the size of one Western Sydney suburb, you know what I mean? So I can say like, oh but Ultimo, then there's three suburbs to Woolloomooloo, you go through Darling, it's one street, it's like five minutes walk, you've walked through three suburbs, so really if you think about it, if you're from one, you're from all, you know what I mean? But most of the ways I've been taught by the older boys, the emphasis on making money and a lot of my street tactics, they come from the older Woolloomooloo boys more than any of the other suburbs, so I feel like, and there is an individual culture to Woolloomooloo, it's not much different, but you know, all the little suburbs in the city are a little bit different, I just felt the most at home there, that's why I, if you ask me specifically I'll say yeah, I'm from Woolloomooloo, but anyone else, I'll say I'm from Sydney City, you know, yeah. Well then we get to this, you know, everything's informed by where you're from and where you're at, your name, your suburb, your tats, you said the older boys in Woolloomooloo and Redfern taught you how to make money, now this is all in the book, this is a past life, how would you make a bit of money growing up in those areas?
Me specifically or everyone? Well what did you learn and what helped you?
So I started out, as soon as we learned how to steal cars, the door was open to break-in owners, the first way I started making, as soon as we learned how to steal cars, the only cars we could steal were, so this was around the year 2000, alright, and we were stealing any Ford or Mazda, sounds like an AU Falcon, not Falcons though, alright, so Ford Telsters, Ford lasers, Mazda 323s, Mazda 626s, RX7s, MX6 turbos, those cars are like sister cars of each other, I think they're from the same company, they had this ignition that you could easily pick apart with a flathead screwdriver, anyway one of the older boys taught us how to steal that, the world opened up, anywhere there were computers, we'd break into it, we'd steal it, that was the first way that I was making money. You write in your book, the older boys taught you how to steal that certain ignition, that certain car with that certain make, you never caught the bus again. Yeah, true, true, never, I'm not going to exaggerate, I swear, I tell people like, there'll be days, me and my, so me and Columbia would steal like, we'd just go hard out, we'd steal like 4 or 5 cars a day, we'd steal a car, a new car because the old one ran out of petrol, we didn't drive like, you know, conservatively, so a 93 Ford Laser would overheat after 5 minutes of my driving, soon as smoke comes out, steal the next one we see, because it's so easy, yeah definitely no buses, just you wake up, you steal a car and you get on with the day. So can you talk us through like, say you came across like a 1999 Ford Laser, what's the process that you'd go through, like is it the screwdriver in in the door lock first and then whack, screwdriver in the door lock, and lever it upwards, that would lift the little lock thing inside on the door, doors open, that takes about, I don't know, averagely that'll take about 7-8 seconds, then it's um, the additions are made out of aluminium, really weak aluminium, and it's just a matter of peeling off the layers that expose the barrel and then levering out the barrel, it's just as simple as that, so there'd be this like, the bigger outer shell pops off, it simply put a flathead screwdriver in it, push down it pops off, they pop off like lids, like past the source, they just pop off, yeah, then it'd be another like, it'd just be like three of those, then it'd be this little pin, you have to lever the little pin out, then you can, with your finger, pull the entire barrel, which is the the key shape on it, the barrel, and once you pull the barrel out, anything can turn the ignition, and the good thing about that is, the best thing about that is, is that it's one of the only ways to steal a car that you don't have to break the steering lock, so any other ways you steal cars, like say, there's even other cars we could steal, but we wouldn't, still like VN Commodores and Hyundai Excels, they're very common to steal, you know, and because you're not going through that process, because the the car doesn't recognize you starting it as the key, because you're like going underneath to the wires, the steering is still locked, and breaking the steering sometimes takes like two or three boys, like yes legit, and they're hanging outside, so they're hanging out like three in the morning, in someone's driveway, and they've got like two feet on the steering wheel, and they're turning, it's very hard, then all of a sudden I would just go bang, and then it's a lucky dip, because sometimes you break this, you actually break the steering, and it doesn't steer, but so this way had no, you could do this in complete silence, and that's the hardest part, breaking the steering lock, and you didn't have to do that, so if your car didn't go missing in the inner suburbs of Sydney, around the Olympics, this is exactly what went down, no, no, I want to talk to you now, you've got us, you've got our attention, I've read the book, you've got the car, you're in the hot vehicle, you call them hotties, that set that open to whole another avenue, I mean, because you're not going to make any money off the vehicle you're in, no, no, no, you're not gonna make money off the vehicle you're in, you're gonna use that to, what you call it, pump up, yeah, and just go and make money, because what are you gonna make on foot, you know what I mean, yeah, you can't carry stuff, you can't really get away from anyone, you can make money on foot, don't get me wrong, like later down the line I stopped doing that type of crime, because I just don't feel, I feel like the risk to reward ratio isn't worth it, and there is a much more quieter in the shadows on foot crime that I found out about down Willamaloo, but in these days, back up Willamaloo, as soon as you've done that, the first things we really targeted were anywhere that had Apple Mac computers, yeah, Bob Carr era, all those schools, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so they were, I think they were called G3s, they were all see-through, and they were just different colors, like see-through lime green and fatbacks, yeah, those things, yeah, like the computer in Zoolander, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like that, yeah, yeah, to see it, yeah, yeah, so like, we just randomly got them one night, and our, I wouldn't say he's our mate, someone from school, his older brother seen us, if he was like, oh, my friends will buy them, they were like, really wanted, and I think we got 300 each for him, but we only had like three, yeah, but like nearly any, just even schools, like even schools, like what kind of security do you really expect to be on a 2001 high school, none, you can walk in, there's no motion sensors, you literally lean and pressure pop a door, and the door will open, and then an alarm will go off, that will take 20, 25 minutes for people to show up, and right in front of you on the desk will be maybe eight or ten of these, 300 each, even if you grab five, fifteen hundred dollars for a 14, 15 year old kid, mental, with almost no risk of getting done, the risk wasn't even in that, doing that, the risk wasn't even in the breaking dinner, the risk was in being in a stolen car, yeah, so it was more the worried about if the coppers see you in a stolen car, because there's no one going to see you breaking into a school, or something like that, you know.
So what was your biggest haul when you were on the fat back Apple, the first Apple computers? I don't know if I talked about this in the book, to be honest. It's an exclusive. I'm going to change the number to close to it, right, we got, this is close, this is close, 10% near the number, we got 28 laptops by chance out of high school. You're talking back, what's my biggest haul in these days? No, in an evening. But back in these days, in the future it's much different, but back in these days, we walked into a school and it randomly had a storeroom full of laptops, so yeah, we got 28 of them with the chargers, and so we got, yeah, pretty good. So you're 15 years old, who are you selling this shit to?
Because that's another element of crime, this is on the streets, right? There's tears, and it goes bigger and bigger. You can't keep going back to cash converters and things.
Oh, no, no, no, no, never. I've never sold a thing in my life to you.
Every hood in the city has Vietnamese people that are more than willing to buy anything you buy, and it's limitless. It's absolutely limitless.
I've seen older boys than me come back with so much stuff from their nights of searching, when they would do, they'd do over big offices in Sydney city. They'd jiggle elevators and go to the top. This is not something I've done, this is the older boys that taught me other stuff. This was a thing in late 90s, early 2000s, and they'd go jiggle elevators, and they'd come back with 50 grand worth of stuff, and those Vietnamese people would have the money to produce that. It's like, yeah, I'll give you 38 grand, the boys will walk off for 38 grand, and they just have a room full of like an office, and then I don't know what they used to do if it needs to send it back to Vietnam or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's almost like it's at its essence a victimless crime, because really the only people who are losing out are the kids of some yuppie, and the state government. Yeah, and even those kids would be losing out very temporarily. They'd be replaced quick smart, especially around the eastern suburbs where we were doing it. Yeah, so that's an interesting thing.
Now, no one really looks at the inner city of Sydney, or a lot of these cities. Melbourne still has quite a very visible kind of inner city thing going on, just because they never really... A lot of people live in the city in Melbourne. And there's a lot more suburbs in Melbourne too, because they don't have a harbour in the middle of it, so they've got all these suburbs.
Nowadays, it's kind of hard to envision young kids getting around with the keys to the kingdom themselves, really. Where does a kid like you go to school? A household kid from inner city Sydney, there's not many public schools going around anymore. A lot of these kids now, the gentrification has kind of pushed a lot of families out.
Even back then, I really like... So I come to a stage because I got kicked out of Glebe High, living in Ultimo. The next school that I had to go to to accept me was Dover Heights.
Yeah. That's how scarce the schools are. Yeah, and that's how near Bondi, eh? Yeah, that's how near Bondi. Down near Malcolm Turnbull country, yeah. Yeah, it's legitimately like... From Broadway to Bondi. Yeah, 12 suburbs in between. That's how far we'd have to go.
So there would only really be Glebe High, and Glebe High always had this association with Leichhardt High. So if you kicked out of Glebe, you kicked out of Leichhardt.
They were sort of in a way... I don't know what was going on. The teachers were like the same teachers. They kept nuts.
Something, yeah. So there was Glebe High, then there was Cleveland Street High at Redfern. Yeah. And that's it. Otherwise, you're going to Dover Heights. Yeah. And Cleveland Street High being as notorious as it can get, I was like, you're not going to Cleveland Street High. Yeah, right. There she is. That wasn't even an option. She's like, there's no way I'm sending you to Cleveland Street High. Yeah, right.
Imagine going to Redfern High School in the year 2000 or 1999.
Yeah, before the riots. Before the riots. Before that.
Yeah. So that wasn't even an option. So I was catching a train and bus to... Yeah, to the very end of the eastern suburbs. Yeah, yeah. Up on the cliffs. Yeah, yeah. City views, yeah.
A bad place to go to school. And surprisingly, I wasn't the only one. So there's two schools over there, which are now combined into one. They've become Rose Bay Secondary College. It was Vaucluse High and Dover Heights High.
Yeah. And there was like plenty of kids from Waterloo and Willamaloo going to those. Yeah. And because of similar situations. Yeah. It's wild that they had a high school there, you know? Yeah. In the middle of nowhere. Yeah. Which one? Um, up at Vaucluse. Alright, Vaucluse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was.
It was associated with grandmas, elderly Jewish mansions. It was really in the middle of nowhere. And considering that Dover Heights is just down the street, it was a massive school. This was like right at the end, right across from the graveyard. It doesn't exist anymore, I don't think. But yeah, it was a pretty random school.
Yeah. Now, we talk a little bit just then about gentrification, right? Obviously something that, you know, spending as much time as you have inside boys' homes and prison, coming out, you would see the changes because you'd have the before and after, like a lot of people don't have, you know what I mean? If you're living in a suburb and it changes gradually, you notice it. Definitely not as noticeable as something like that. Yeah, of course.
What do you find, what has been like the biggest shock to you coming out and looking at the city now that you used to steal cars in and break into buildings? The biggest shock definitely wouldn't be a visual thing or a physical thing.
It's definitely a cultural thing.
It's like it went from, in two generations, so the age gap of maybe, I don't know how generations actually work, the age gap of 10 years. So it went from people who are my age, now 35, to I look to the people that are 25 now.
Everything that Sydney City was, in all the crazy ways that you would ever hear, in all the sad ways that you would ever see, was completely gone.
The people don't even talk the same. And I'm talking like it's the same families. It's the same kids of the same families that have always been here, but they're just completely different.
Like Waterloo Redfern, Woolamooloo especially, it went from like, the 70s was absolutely crazy. The 80s was like all the bank robbers were from Gleib and this and that. The 90s was the worst of the worst. You walked down Redfern or Gleib and you thought it was Mad Max.
You know what I mean?
Police wouldn't even go through those places. It was crazy. Things on fire.
And 2000s, the same, but then just all of a sudden, it's just like... Snapped. Yeah, they just, it's good. I'm not saying it's bad, but it's completely gone. Yeah. Well, I guess, I think most of it changed down in Sydney when they got the Olympic Games and they were like, look, we can't have a bunch of tourists popping off at Redfern and just immediately having their cameras...
Relieved of them. Told them from them. Put a hand over their passport and their wallet.
Do you reckon, like a lot of what you're saying changed around the time of the Olympic Games? Yeah, I'd say a bit. I'd say, look, the 90s, which is when I was a kid, too young to participate but have visual memory of, was definitely worse than 2000s. The 2000s was very much, I would say up until during the Olympics, it was definitely the same old city. I would say up until about 2005. That's when, say 2000, when I got out once in 2006, 2007, that was it.
That was it. You know what I feel like my honest explanation is? The coppers, they just got too good. All right. They just got too good. Well, the technology changed too. I can see you all too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's natural that they're going to win because these are people, that's their job. They're healthy-minded people with a crazy budget and technology to fight us who are just like, half the time we can't see straight. How are they not going to win? I'm surprised they didn't win for all that time.
It got to the point, say 2001, 2002, even 2003, you could do almost anything and get away with it. Almost anything. What would you say some of the most brazen shit you've seen? Like not even crime or high store or anything like that.
I read in your book where you guys get inside a car dealership and you have basically the place to yourself. I'm reading this. I'm reading your book. I'm like, this has gone in 60 seconds.
This is going to be in cargo ship. This is going to be in containers down in Port Botany. They're going to be sending them off to fucking wherever. Then you guys just basically steal one car to bash the gate open and then steal whatever the coolest car is you can find each and then pinball them around the city until they burn out and you just leave them.
That's it. Yeah, that's it.
It was just fun. It wasn't a big thing. Just another night.
What was it like to get caught the first time? Well, the first time I got arrested was in weird circumstances. I was after the school siege, so it wasn't really like I got caught for stealing and this and that.
It was after that big school siege that I'd done in Dover Heights. I was all like adrenaline all over the place. This is real teenage shit too. You're running around with knives and playing up in school.
That was your first time you got given your number? No. In juvie you do get numbers. They're not the same numbers as jail. You get a different jail. That was the first time I got locked up and went into any type of detention.
What was it like? It was a spin-out. It was definitely a spin-out. Being so young, I can't remember how old I was, 14, barely 15, something like that. I think it was 2001. It was a spin-out because you got no idea what it is.
You get to juvie and it's like everyone was healthy and big and muscley. It might not seem like a lot, three years difference, four years difference, but when you're 14, 15 and you're with healthy 18 year olds, it's like you're locked in a cell with grown men. It's like full difference.
You got to learn how to not get bashed.
Where would you say you learned those skillsets? Obviously, you got the street smarts from just being on the ground, but to be where you are, to be alive, to be out and about and to have lived the life you've lived, you need to know how to throw down or how to punch on and how to fucking de-escalate as well, also another skill. Where did you reckon you learn all that? Did you learn that inside?
When it comes to my method, when it comes to dealing with what you just referred to as beef, I don't have much time for beef. I avoid beef, really.
It was never my thing to walk around as it was never anyone's thing. This is a very different culture in the city. We're not a culture of people walking around as tough people. We're not, you know what I mean? We're a culture of people that can make money in the streets and steal better than anyone. We're culture starters in style. If beef gets too far, we're known to stab and sneak out people and stuff like that because the way we view it is that, the way I particularly view it too, is that we're not in tough guy contests. You're in one life and we're in these circumstances that we were put into, not by choice, and you get one life to live. We don't care much about that old Australian way. It's like, you know that fair go one-on-one. It's like you go toe to toe, don't do this, don't do that, whatever. Anyone has this cultural idea of what a tough guy does in the streets.
We do not care. I don't care what you think. I don't care if you think I'm tough like you, but I'm not going to start a fight with you.
If you start a fight with me and it's unavoidable, I will do anything to you and you don't have to be looking, but whose fault is that? That's the way we look at it. Whose fault is that?
It's like, you may say to me, how can you hit someone when they're not looking? How can you use a weapon?
That's putrid. That's a low act. No, what's putrid and what's a low act?
You're starting fights with people that don't want to fight you and then getting hit when you're not looking because you weren't staying on your toes and then blaming people for not following your rules. That's what stupidity is. This is real life. People die from one punch. So the way we've seen it in the streets is we're not out. It's not a boxing match. You want to box? Go be a sportsman. This is the streets.
I'll run you over. I'll stab you. I do not care.
So you reckon you went in as a first time there, the Sydney siege, you get pinched and you went in. Do you reckon you already had that in you or you had a lot to learn? Well, look at the first thing I got locked up for is chasing everyone around for knives. So I would say it was then and it developed more and more.
So how would you not get bashed upon your arrival incarceration? As you were saying before. In boy's homes when you're young. Just stay out of people's ways. Don't express your opinion too much because you'll be challenged. I say that's good enough. It's not to the extent where you would let people do anything to you. It doesn't go that far. You're not a pushover. But you just kick back and do your thing until you're strong enough to accept any challenge and then speak your mind.
I've always just shut up.
How is your alleged offence perceived by your peers upon arrival in the boy's home? Not many new.
I remember one of the older boys said, um, he goes, Anthony. And I looked at him, I go, Yeah, bar. And he goes, was that you on the news at that school thing? And I said, Yeah, yeah, that was me. And he goes, fuck, you're just young. And I said, Yeah. And he goes off for that was like, you look big on camera. Like, like you were older. I said, No, it's just me. And he goes, fine. That's he for those funny.
Yeah, no one else had a clue. Yeah, not a lot of people know what you're in for. And you know what? It's like, I found in juvie, no one even cares what you're in for in jail. It's a lot of talk. Is that because you think a lot of the kids are getting a lot of kids are getting away from something just by being there in the first place? Or do you think it's like, no one really has a hierarchy of what is and isn't, you know, a crime worth talking about?
Oh, yeah. I don't know that. You know what, to try to explain it would be hard. Yeah. I don't know the reasoning.
But I just remember like, you would never be in juvie talking about like, I got done for this I got done for that or he got done for this. And yeah, in jail. It's a bit like that. Yeah, I mean, in jail, it's a bit like that, to the extent that it goes is that I remember being at Baxter once and there were two we didn't know to after but this is just how blase we are to it. There were two kids there with us roughly my age, that were two of the kids that were involved in the the rapes in the gang rapes.
Yeah. Scaff. Yeah.
So his cooffenders that were juveniles were in juvie with us and they were just treated like normal people. They were like in the wing with us. The youth workers like they weren't in protection and and these people were measly these two lads I'm talking about were absolute grunks like if people knew but like it's so blase that we didn't even know that these were the two famous two of the famous gang rapists.
Yeah. But in jail, you'd know straight away. Yeah. Impossible to not know. Yeah. Those guys don't go in. No, of course not. No, no, no, no. Oh, well, they got their place. Yeah. They got their place. Yeah.
And we'll just end it there. That concludes part one of the Spaniard interview with the Batutah advocate. It's been long awaited. And we're very excited that we got the man in the booth.
You can tell he's got a magnetic energy. And it's no surprise as to why he's become such a counter cultural icon in Sydney and across Australia. It's all detailed in his new book, The Unfiltered Hood Life, Spanion. Now stick around for part two of this interview where Spanion delves into his life and times in and out of jail as an adult back on the streets and the different crimes he got caught up in as he grew a little older in the harsh inner city streets of Sydney, which as he has explained, have changed a lot in the last 10, 20 years.
Yeah. If you start a fight with me and it's unavoidable, I will do anything to you and you don't have to be looking. But whose fault is that? Yeah. But that's the way we look at it. Whose fault is that?
It's like, you may say to me, you may say to me, but how can you hit someone when they're not looking? How can you use a weapon?
That's a future. That's a low act. No. What's future and what's a low act?
He's starting fights with people that don't want to fight you and then getting hit when you're not looking because you weren't staying on your toes and then blaming people for not following your rules. That's what stupidity is. This is real life. People die from one punch. So the way we've seen it in the streets is we're not out. It's not a boxing match. You want to box? Go be a sportsman. This is the streets.
I'll run you over. I'll stab you. I do not care.
So you reckon you went in as a first time there, the Sydney siege, you get pinched and you went in. Do you reckon you already had that in you or you had a lot to learn? Oh, say it was, it was always, yeah. Well, look at the first thing I got locked up for is chasing everyone around for knives.
So yeah. So I would say it was there and it developed more and more. Yeah. Yeah, it did.
So how would you not get bashed upon your arrival incarceration? Like as, as you were saying before, like, yeah, just stay out of people's ways. Don't express your opinion too much because you'll be challenged.
Yeah. I'll say that's good enough. Yeah. It's, it's not to the extent where you would let people do anything to you. Yeah. Right.
That's, that's, it doesn't go that far, you know, push over, but you just kick back and do your thing until you're strong enough to accept any challenge and then speak your mind. I've always just shut up.
How was your alleged offense perceived by your peers upon arrival in the boys' home? Not many, not many new.
Um, I remember one of the older boys said, um, he goes, Anthony. And I looked at him, I go, yeah, bar. And he goes, was that you on the news at that school thing? And I said, yeah, yeah. That was me. And he goes, fuck, you're just young. And I said, yeah. And he goes, I thought that was like, you look big on camera. Like, like you were older. I said, no, it's just me. And he goes, that's, he thought it was funny.
No one else had a clue. Yeah. Not a lot of people know what you're in for. And you know what it's like, I found in Juvie, no one even cares what you're in for in jail. A lot of talk. Is that because I think a lot of the kids are getting, a lot of kids are getting away from something just by being there in the first place. Or do you think it's like, no one really has a hierarchy of what is and isn't, you know, a crime worth talking about? Yeah. I don't know that, you know what to, to try to explain it would be hard. I don't know the reasoning, but I just remember like, you would never be in Juvie talking about like, I got done for this, I got done for that, or he got done for this. And in jail, it's a bit like that. You know what I mean?
In jail, it's a bit like that to the extent that it goes is that I remember being at Baxter once and there were two, we didn't know till after, but this is just how blase we are to it. There were two kids there with us, roughly my age, that were two of the kids that were involved in the, the rapes in the gang rapes. So his co-offenders that were juveniles were in Juvie with us and they were just treated like normal people. They were like in the wing with us, the youth workers, like they weren't in protection and, and these people were measly. These two lads I'm talking about were absolute grunks. Like if people knew, but like, it's so blase that we didn't even know that these were the two famous, two of the famous gang rapists.
But in jail, you'd know straight away, impossible to not know.
Yeah. And those guys don't go in jail. No, of course not. They got their place. Yeah. They got their place. Yeah. And we'll just end it there.
That concludes part one of the Spanion interview with the Batutah advocate. It's been long awaited and we're very excited that we got the man in the booth. You can tell he's got a magnetic energy and it's no surprise as to why he's become such a counter-cultural icon in Sydney and across Australia. It's all detailed in his new book, The Unfiltered Hood Life, Spanion. Now stick around for part two of this interview where Spanion delves into his life and times in and out of jail as an adult back on the streets and the different crimes he got caught up in as he grew a little older in the harsh inner city streets of Sydney, which as he explained, have changed a lot in the last 10, 20 years. |
dropout | hardly_working_best_buy_manager_2 | Samuel and Jackson is dead if you don't jump a one. No, listen, how are you supposed to write jump or two when you won't start off with a jump a one?
Come on, we got to do it. Yeah, okay, thank you. Can you do that later, man? No can do. Bag. No, but not the real. I gotta go back and screw down Prontosaurus, man. My boy Trent's coming over later. Gonna do some curbside to go, come back here. You guys want in? Uh, thanks, but, um, we're actually meeting David's cousin for Grace.
Huh? He used to work for Circuit City, I guess, but they closed. Oh, did it? I didn't know. I've been living on bars for the past six months. But, I mean, yeah, obviously they closed. He flooded the bar kit with shoddy product. Is this shit? You okay? Oh!
I got no reason to upsell you. I'm not working on a commission.
Yo, dude, you want any of this stuff? Imagine if that fell, though, with your guys' warranty, man. That stuff be as good as God. I'm Stephen. Hey, what's up?
Too slow. Yeah, sorry about C squared, man. I mean, who would've thought an inefficient chain retailer with absolutely laughable customer service would ever take during your recession? It's Retail 101, baby. Honestly, dude, I don't really care. I didn't even like it there.
My dad said if I do, like, 15 hours a week, I get the beach house during the summer. To do nothing all day, 18 bucks an hour, man? Like, ridiculous. 18 an hour? You kidding me with Beddies?
All I know is we got Dental. Dental?
Oh, man, you guys were hemorrhaging, buddy. No wonder you guys tank quicker than the Golden Compass. Dude, that movie's so bad, I almost didn't tore it into it.
Dude, what's wrong with you? What's up, man?
Sorry, this was an awesome CDAT podcast about how to hack your Wii. Who snuckled? CNET Podcast on the Wii hack.
You checked out my tweet? Yeah, man. Do I have that idea six months ago, remember? No, but I believe you, man. Who's this who snuckled? He used to work at Circuit City. You know, I thought I smelled a fire dog when I came in. Pfft.
On the wheel, though. Tough break about C squared. B squared's bringing him the buku bucks, though. This time next year, I'm gonna want a fucking dirt bike, bro. Dude, don't fuck with me on that dirt bike.
Dude, you look really, really familiar, man. Did you go to North York Technical University? Yeah, man, NYU. No way, man.
You're the kid who went diary in the hot tub Spring Break Daytona. We called this kid Fondue for a week because he made the jacuzzi look like a boiling pot of fucking chocolate, dude. Freddy Fondue.
Yo, I'm gonna... My boys are not gonna believe this. Yo, smile. Let me take a picture. I gotta send this to them. Yo, put your thumbs up, man. Put your thumbs up. Higher. Fondue. You're a threat, man. You want a Spring Break? Yeah, yeah, dog. Yo, curbside to go. Let's go get it. I'll tell you all about it. So we're heading down 95.
Guess who's tour bus we see. Who's? Fred Durst.
I did it all for the nookie. You got ducky? Ooh! I can't believe they canceled this show. I know. You see Dovers this week?
Sucked. Yeah, but... Sucked. Yeah. |
dropout | When_You_re_Too_Good_At_CPR | Very good. Two rescue breaths and 30 chest compressions. Okay. We want nice steady compressions. What? Look at Trap. That's CPR that'll save a life. Oh thanks y'all. I used to be a lifeguard.
What happened? What did you do? I don't know. Where am I?
I was too good at CPR. The shore. That's the last thing I remember. I was straining towards the shore. But every stroke just carried me further and further away.
You. You saved my life. How could I ever repay you? You saved me.
Stay away. Don't you fucking touch me. No Maria. No! Maria.
I remember now. We were both out in the surf. She was calling out to me. Why didn't you save her? I tried.
You have to have steady compressions. Somebody help me. Please why are you all just standing there? Please help me. I don't have any arms. Somebody fucking do something.
No! What's happening? Oh god. Katie run! Oh my god. What did you do? Trap no!
In the ocean there's... Sign up for your free trial today and learn why critics are saying, Who are you? Why are you in my house? What the hell is Dropout?
Get out. I'm calling the cops. |
SaturdayNightLive | we_re_trying_snl | My God, I'm loving how cozy this place is. Yeah, we got to do these adults only ski trips more often. I'm not gonna check my phone. she's with the sitter. she's fine.
Honey. how are you gonna cope And there's two of them? Oh my God, are you pregnant again? Steve?
Okay, secrets out. we're not pregnant yet, but yes, we're trying for another one. So great you guys. Yeah, so don't come knocking on our door tonight. Oh Daniel, since we're on the topic, should we tell them? Oh, well, we weren't gonna say it. But okay, let's just tell them we're trying to have a baby, too. I'm so so happy for you. So tell all now. what's your plan? are you gonna adopt? No, we're just gonna try. So then you're doing the surrogate route, That's great, huh? Surrogacy? Well, maybe down the line, but for now, we're just gonna try. Don't come knocking on our door either. So are you two just straight-up having sex? I mean, we're not just having sex. We're getting a little help after Jacob is done.
I'm throwing my legs up, hanging off the bar, and letting gravity do its thing. Nobody asked me to go into the hot tub tonight. I'm not boiling my balls right, so how is the trying going? Good good. I think we're getting really close. Yeah. yeah. my body's already changing.
I mean, this could be in my head, but I just need certain foods. Like when you were pregnant, were you randomly craving ham and cocaine? No, that does bring up more questions for me. Okay fine lady. we know we know the elephant in the room. Oh whoo, okay. we thought you weren't gonna mention Daniel is 34. so the pregnancy would technically be a geriatric. Sorry, I guess the pregnancy part is what's confusing.
Okay. well, let me explain. for now for us, it's about what feels good for us and for now for us. what feels good for us is for us to try. Because to us, for now, what feels good for now is trying for us for now. Got it. Um, so why did you guys decide to start trying now?
Well, funny enough. I had a dream where my son came out of my ass. No, it doesn't right? Because the baby's obviously gonna come out of my ass. No, that won't happen.
Okay, can you just explain exactly how you think you're trying for a baby? Okay, god, this is so invasive. People think they can just ask gay people anything. It's crazy. Look, all we feel comfortable sharing is that we've tried three out of seven holes. We are not gonna hold your hand through that ears, eyes pits, crack baby baby, baby don't they can Google.
We love you, but you two can't have a baby. You biologically cannot.
Oh really? well, years before there were phones. I'm sure someone said we can't have phones. we'll never have phones and now we have phones.
Girl things in the science community changed so fast. Years from now, you're gonna feel so small-minded. Imagine going back to the Pilgrims and trying to explain Andy Milanakis and that's on. Period. By the way, my birthday is tomorrow and no one has mentioned it. No, I'm embarrassed. Really sucks honey. Blow your candles out.
What'd you wish for a baby? I wish that we get pregnant and they never do what you already have one.
And he's awful. She's a girl. Well, then she looks gay. Everyone.
I actually have an announcement to make. What is it, sweetie? Oh, I'm expecting you're pregnant. No, I'm just expecting to have a baby someday. You know, that's confusing. |
dropout | hardly_working_boozy_couple_continued | Last time on Boozy Couple My parents are coming in today Your balls look like rotten apricots That was not a scent, that was a stent Let's go to Sizzler Oh Batty, it's so good to see you I've grown up and taken your parents out for lunch at Sizzler Wait, I'm paying for the... Jesus, it's right out here, huh?
Not really Goddammit, Harold, you're embarrassing me You look goddamn ridiculous, my fat Ahab What? Oh, my Ahab? Well I guess I found a white whale Batty Grab used to be able to go whale fishing Yeah, good luck with that, you're on dry land, you moron Really?
Then why do I smell fish? You get it? Oh my god, that's disgusting Yeah, you know that's vagina Being gross, besides you're one to talk Look how you're walking, it's like someone can dick on a leash Oh my dick on a leash, it's not on a leash, it's running away from you Oh yeah, inch by inch Yeah, it looks like I got a head start Head start, get it?
Gross, I'm on fire today Dad, you know, a subway would be a lot quicker No, no, no, I'm not going down into that dark snowy hole Don't you say it, but I was joking Harold, I know you Mom, the subway's not that bad Not that bad, I went to the subway in 1977 This is a good story I'll never go back, you know why? I got down there All Puerto Ricans, everyone Oh my god, Harold, look where we are Oh, jeez What is it? You're Uncle Mitch? You know my brother Mitch This is where it all went wrong for him, right here on this corner What happened? Agreed injustice, that's what happens These two cops, they were giving him some drunk They were profiling him, Harold Ain't no two ways about it, profiling Just because he was Irish-German, they said he was drunk in public Which he was He was So he defended himself, as you should Basically, Batty, what he did, he shot these two black cops and called him Woah, look at this! Hey, Sheila Sheila, look, it's your old boyfriend Come on, Max Montesaccio is a contractor in Belmont And he's a nice guy for the record Fuck that guy, fuck that guy Hey, excuse me, good sir Could you give my wife here some of your bathing tips? Give me a break, at least I wipe my ass after I shit Hey, you don't need to wipe your ass if you take a shower Oh, bravo for that logic, bravo All this used to be Irish This all used to be Italian Chinese Croatian Irish-Italian Jewish We've only walked half a block Yeah, that's what the city was back then, Batty It was a melting pot God, it was awful Hey, look at this here Look at this, dirtiest city in the country Trash everywhere, smells like when your mother cooks Oh, smells like when your father eats That's why I had you, Mayor Bloombergy He was just trying to save a few bucks, right?
Take the impression Should I do it? He does an impression Here we go Oi, maybe if I start picking up the trash, oi I can get another vacation house So good I felt like the mayor was here Your dad thinks he's Jeff Dunham Jeff Dunham? Me, Jeff Dunham?
Well, you've done him, and him, and him You've done them all Give me a break That was a stretch Yeah, I was reaching Where's this fucking sizzler? Little snack to whet the appetite That's the only thing that's been wet in 30 years That's a good one, too That was a good one, you're right Come on, Mom, Dad Hey, Patty, what does this remind you of? Mom I thought you thought I was gonna say your dad's dick But I wasn't Too small Now it's my nipple once you were done with it No, it's not dark enough That's what it did The rest of it, Patty, paler than gas was asked But those nipples, they look like they came off Who's the one I like? One of the Sykes No, not her, not her Ali Berry Ali Berry, Jesus I can't remember anything these days No, Patty I should tell you now I went to the doctor the other day He's having a lot of these memory lapses And there's nothing to worry about But he said Showing some signs of all signs This happens when people get older But I want to make sure while I'm all still here I told you face to face That's how damn proud I am Hey! Shut your whole mouth I can't fucking wait to forget you I can't wait to forget you You gonna finish that hot dog, Patty? Oh, let's do it Hey, you want some of this lady to drift out? Ow |
SaturdayNightLive | who_s_on_top_saturday_night_live | And now it's time to play everyone's favorite game of strategy. Who's on Top? And here's your host, Vince Blake. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another edition of Who's On Top? We've got three great contestants today. you folks ready to play? Yes. you bet, Vince. All right, the rules are simple. as we all know, when two gay men have sex, one person is the top and one is the bottom. we'll show you two male celebrities who hypothetically could have sex. and you decide who's on top.
No. no, no, no, thank you. I'm not playing this. good luck. nice meeting you. Well, usually explaining the rules has cost us a contestant. Paul, Madeleine, are you still ready to play?
Sure. 100%. it's a simple game. for instance, if I said Hannity and Combs, who's on Top, the answer would be. Hannity. obviously. obviously.
All right, Paul, you're up first, And here's your question. we've rocked out to their songs for over 30 years. between them, they've sold almost 300 million albums. But if Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen had sex, tell me, who's on top? Oh, that's an excellent question. Let me think this through. the easy answer would be that Bruce is on top because he's the boss, but it can't be that simple. physically speaking, Bruce is more muscular, but Joel's a bulldog. Don't rush me. let's see, Billy Joel and Springsteen are both legends, but Bruce has always stayed humble, and he takes pride in a hard day's work, even if it ain't pretty. Billy Joel's on top.
Correct.
Paul, you're in the lead with $10,000. As always, I have to point out, we here at Who's On Top are in no way insinuating that anyone mentioned this show is or is ever being gay, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right, Madeleine, you're up. there are two of cinema's favorite international stars, but if Roberto Benini and Gerard Depardieu had sex, who's on Top? Shoot, I know this. Okay, well, Benini's a squirmer, so he would be hard to hold down, but if anyone can do it, it's Gerard. So I'm going to say Gerard Depardieu's on top. Sorry, Madeleine, you forgot, Depardieu is French and therefore a bottom.
Yes. yes. Well, Paul, you're back up. they delighted millions of children in the Lion King, But when Timon and Pumbaa had gay sex, who's on Top? Oh, I was just thinking about this. Timon and Pumbaa, of course, their motto was Hakuna Matata. What a wonderful phrase, Hakuna Matata. ain't no passing craze. it's a problem-free philosophy, Hakuna Matata. there is no top. they trade off positions evenly. it's a circle of life. That is correct. that is correct.
Now, that's great. let's pause now for a word from one of our sponsors. What? still no sponsors?
I can't blame it. All right, let's keep playing. Paul, you're in the lead, so you move on to our lightning round, But don't worry, Madeleine isn't leaving home empty-handed. she'll be going home with the who's on Top home Edition. Vince, I'd just like to say that when the show began, I thought it might be a reckless game of sexual gossip, but if you use your instincts about personality and status, you'll see that these are the right answers. That's right. it's a smart game. let's go to the Lightning Round. Okay, Paul, in this round, I'm going to ask you to picture two men having sex. Done. Let me finish. those two, you'll try to guess as many tops as you can before time runs out, All right? And go.
Mark Twain and Seth Green, who's on Top? Please, Mark Twain.
Correct. Kimbo sliced the old man from Up, Who's on Top? Surprisingly, the old man from Up. correct. 70s Kenny Rogers, Kenny Rogers. Now, who's on Top? I don't want to picture that pass. Correct. Paul Giamatti. the Other Guy. correct. Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, who's on Top? Oprah Winfrey. correct.
Final question. Final question. the cast of Entourage, if they all had sex, put them in order from bottom to top. Oh, crap. Okay, Turtle's on the bottom, but now it gets tricky. Drama wouldn't be next. he's too proud. 45 minutes.
I got it.
Turtle, E, Drama, Ari, Vinny's on top, while Scott Khan watches. you just won $600,000. you can walk away now or lose it all. I'm going to lose it all.
What? Oh, too bad. that's all for today. and today, too, for the Gay Sex Elimination show. Good night. |
SaturdayNightLive | roller_coaster_accident_snl | Later in the hour, we'll be talking pit bulls. who are they? what do they want from us? and how are they so yoked? But first, it's time for America's favorite segment, Cuisine with Francine. You know, can I just say, I am so happy that Francine is back. Yes, me too. As I'm sure most of our viewers know, Francine was gone yesterday because she got stuck on a runaway roller coaster going 150 miles an hour for 19 hours straight. But now she's back better than ever and not the least bit-faced. Hi, Francine. hi, Richard. hi, Tanya. it's great to be back, and I got some really exciting flavors to share with you all today. Wow, Francine. you look nuts. did you come here straight from the amusement park? I did, couldn't we wait to meet up in the studio? Well, that's great.
So what's on the menu today, Francine? Well, I hope you have your passports ready because today we're off to Italia. join me, won't you, for a Tuscan adventure that'll help you sing along with you. Today, we're eating Lofo Rotarela. we're eating crostini. cucino and pepper. and, of course, a glass of Chianti.
So good. that's good enough. looks like that hit the spot. at least the part that got in. Ooh! This is a complex line. with almost as much twists and turns as I rollercoaster ride through hell. what? I think she. I think she compared the wine to all those loop-de-loops. you know, we actually have some video of that. Yeah. must be hard to watch, huh, Francine? What was that? I'm having Joel hearing you. Oh, it was a crispy, crunchy crostini.
All right, well, thanks, Francine. now it's time for the weather with our very own Jason Burress. Hi, guys. well, this is coming in and it looks like a doozy, all right? obviously, we forgot to mention that Jason was also trapped on the rollercoaster. yeah, I actually think we have a picture of that. Oh. so, how's the weather looking, Jason? it's not good at all. we have snow coming in from the East. uh-huh. we have snow coming in from the west. uh-huh. snow from the top. yeah, and snow from the bottom. Look, I'm dizzy as hell with our rollercoaster ride, to tell you the truth.
Well, wait a minute. something sure smells good. Ooh, whatcha cooking over there, Francine? just some Linda Stoney soup. look, careful, it's hot. you got a blow on it. mmm. mmm. that looks delicioso. mmm. mmm. mmm. oh, delicioso. Oh. oh, that's a tea. Oh, that is delicious. mmm. mmm. mmm. mmm. yes. it's great. delicioso. it's already done.
Well, I guess you guys must be pretty hungry after that crazy ride. Yeah, the only thing we had to eat was the vlogs that flew into our oven now. yeah. vlogs like. all of these. cicadas. and one dog size that. no, not dog size c at all. would you care for some spaghetti, Jc? oh, that's nice. Oh. oh. oh, my gosh. you guys are so cute together. of course, you probably got real close during your time together on the roller coaster. Wait. what are they doing now? I think they're doing a little lady in the tramp thing. Oh. oh. oh, so romantic.
Um, yeah, I'm sorry. Francine, is there something under your shirt? Oh, I almost forgot. Hello to my little friend. is that a bird kicking his little legs? Yeah, he flew straight into her stomach at 200 miles per hour. the doctors say if I pull it out, both of us will die. No, back to you guys.
All right, coming up next, our exclusive interview with the teenage boy who operated the roller coaster and why he did nothing to stop it. Two reasons, too dumb and too high. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_first_coach_to_contest_the_coin_flip | Welcome back everyone to today's big game! Looks like we're just in time for the coin toss, let's watch. Yes, the call is ahead so San Diego will be...
Oh, what's this? It seems Philadelphia is challenging... The coin toss? Oh my god, can he even do that? I don't think that's ever happened before. Well, the playback here shows... It's actually Tails! Philadelphia wins the coin toss! Hold on Bill, from this angle it looks like... This time it's heads? We're gonna need an official on the ground to take a look at the...
Oh... Oh no...
Yeah Bill, that cooler celebration was thematic, but far from the best idea. What a mess, this is almost as bad as last year's debacle. Yeah, that was a tough call to make. And what was that call, Tom? They're still deciding, Bill.
Looks like they finally found the coin! That's great news, we can finally get back...
And there's a turtle on the coin. Well, let's just move the turtle then. Looks more like a tortoise to me, Bill. It seems the head ref is making a call? Under detailed examination, the turtle has been determined a tortoise.
No removal will be made from its natural habitat. He's right, Bill. They're endangered in the area. Well, it looks like the results of the coin toss are still up in the air. Excellent pun, Bill. My money's on heads. I have to completely disagree, Tom. Tails never fails.
Oh, and it looks like the tortoise is on the moon! The final question is... Will he go all the way? He did! Finally!
I wonder what it's going to be. I'm on the edge of my seat. Let's hear the call. It's heads.
Unbelievable! It's all over, folks! That's it! That's literally the whole game!
The San Diego Heads defeat the Philadelphia Tails in this year's Nokia Coin Bowl. The only question that remains is who picks where we go for lunch? Should we flip a coin? Oh, I think we both know where we're gonna go. Chillies!
This sketch is brought to you by liking, commenting, and subscribing. Also, special thanks to the Topographical Gang for making this entire video possible. Godspeed, boys, and God bless America. Action. That was a perfect shot. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Wasted_Time_Scomo_Hospitalised_A_Body_Count_In_Question_More_February_11 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin. There's a lot going on. I mean you're tuning in to get the real news from us, but I'm sure you've been privy to a lot of the goings ons in the Australian news cycle this week. It's been one of the busier ones we've had in a while.
What is in the fucking news this week, Wendell? Well, it's been a huge week down in Canberra there, just as you alluded to, Clancy, and we'll start off with a story that summed it all up. The headline reads, Report what an absolute waste of everyone's fucking time and money.
That's right, after weeks and months of trying to pass some legislation that will make it easier to kick gay and trans kids out of schools, the federal government has decided that they're going to drop the whole thing. After a 5 a.m. finish on Wednesday and months of debating about this bill that staunch Christians like New South Wales Premier Dominic Perrottet oppose, the government is just letting it go. Yeah, because it's going to get voted down in the Senate after getting through the House of Representatives, Errol. Yeah, I believe that's pronounced cenate, but we'll move on. Yeah, they were going to try to bring it back in the cenate in a few weeks' time because the changes that got made to the bill stopping people firing other people because of their sexuality or gender. So, that's that. Well, it successfully torpedoed three of the seven days our politicians have in Parliament until they go into election caretaker mode and help distract them from other important things like the Federal Integrity Commission. That's off the table. So, not the worst outcome for the government who've claimed that Labor have blocked their bill to protect people of faith.
Yeah, it has taken a huge toll on our leader. A story that we broke a couple of days ago was about the Prime Minister being hospitalised with exhaustion after completing a full day of work lobbying for the church. Yeah, there's a little bit to this story. So, after trying and failing to help his Pentecostal mates out with that religious discrimination bill we just mentioned, Morrison actually collapsed. After sitting through the marathon parliamentary session, the PM was found out of breath and frail.
After pulling a shift, the average nurse has been expected to do week on week since the start of the pandemic. He then, in an effort to maintain his relatable, blokey personality, he took himself to a pub where he ordered a Hahn light shandy, then completely collapsed. Obviously, Barnaby Joyce staring over the bar didn't help. But then, you know, he was taken to a Canberra hospital after being forced to do his first full day's work since, I think, his first day at Tourism Australia. Yeah, Alan Wendt weighed in in the comments section, empathising with the Prime Minister there, saying, I've never seen so much effort go into a dog whistle. Fair enough, the bloke must be absolutely buggered and we've been told he's recovering well and preparing for that appearance on 60 Minutes on Sunday night.
Some entertainment news now, we've got a story about married at first sight. And the headline reads, Man who had to go on reality TV show to find a partner claims he slept with over 350 women.
Look, I just don't know why we have to report on this stuff. I mean, there's more pressing things like how koalas are now endangered in Queensland, New South Wales and Victoria. If their meat wasn't so delicious, I don't think they would be endangered, Clarence.
Yeah, I mean, that's a fair point too, Errol. But maths is news now in this day and age, and that's what it is. And it's not that different to you and Wendell spending five hours on a Saturday watching horses run around a nicely mowed paddock.
Millions of Australians watch this stuff every night and this was one of the big talking points this week. This big Texan bloke claiming that he's lay with over 350 partners in his time as a single man. That's what he claimed and that's what made the headlines number two to advocate. Obviously, there's a lot of the factors around his manner, behaviour and the statistical probability of that high number that led people at home to be pretty sceptical of his claims.
Well, Clancy, I'd rather have horses in a paddock than you and your mates smearing poo on the wall in national television, I'll tell you what. Well, mate, that was a protest over our rights as political prisoners. But, you know, those days are behind me now. Certainly made a statement. Some news from here in town now, and a local woman has sighed as her husband spots his most degenerate mate arrive at a party. Yes, obviously not too much of a degenerate smear poo on the walls, but to the height cycle, Beth Arthur let out an audible sigh and muttered, for fuck's sake, last weekend.
That was after her husband, who promised to be on his best behaviour, locked eyes with his social kryptonite standing across the room. Yeah, fully aware of what was about to happen. Beth says she watched her hubby waltz over to his pig of a mate who had that look in his eye. He had that look in his eye and she knew their plans of a nice bushwalk the following morning were already ruined. Yeah, as she said to the advocate, I don't know what it is, but when the two of them get together, all sense of responsibility goes out the window. The last time the two of them bumped into each other, Tim didn't get home until 4 a.m. on a Wednesday.
Tell you what, I've done enough bushwalks in my life with the French Foreign Legion. I don't need to do anymore on a Sunday morning. There you go, Earl.
Now we head over to China for some sports news, and it's been revealed that the world's pro snowboarders are starting to get a little bit snappy after 72 hours in Beijing without any reefer. Yes, when it comes to being an Olympian, it takes a lot of sacrifice. Obviously, all the hours it takes to get to a level where you can compete among the best, the knights saying no to your mate's invitations to the pub, endless amount of injuries nursed, and so on. But for the world's snowboarders, the biggest sacrifice of all has been going without any of the devil's lettuce while over there in Beijing. Yeah, because unfortunately in China, they shoot you for bags and I think they cane you for having a bit of the reefer. So look, it's gonna be a few more days until they can wrap their lips around sweet Mary Jane.
But you know, I haven't been minding this Winter Olympics because this time of year, we're really depraved for sport. We are lucky. February is the worst sporting month, so we are lucky to have the Winter Games going right now. It gives me something to recklessly bet on. You know, betting is best done on sports you know nothing about, in my opinion.
Absolutely, a nice break to reality TV season for us all. Anyway, that's all we've got time for this week. Thanks for your company. And we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. |
dropout | disneyland_movies | With the success of the Pirates of the Caribbean films, the Walt Disney Company is pleased to announce several new projects based on our theme park attractions.
I'm so tired. Nobody said it would be easy. This mountain's as tall as 6 Kilimanjaro's. It's the highest point in space. Oh, an oxygen. We're almost out of food. We're not going to make it. Get a hold of yourself. Do you want to stand here quavering like a little girl, or do you want to conquer the Space Mountain? Conquer the Space Mountain?
All right. Now, there's plenty of food here for one man. Trouble is, that food is the other man. What are you trying to say? You know exactly what I'm trying to say. I speak of my midnight feast upon your pale flesh, the repast of angels of which I've dreamed for so long.
I never thought I would come to this. Well, the mountain thought different. Look, there's got to be another way. No.
As your commanding officer, I order you to be eaten by me. What's happened to us? Just close your eyes and think delicious thoughts. A space scratch! Jump, you fool! She'll eat us alive! Wow!
Gentlemen, I am so pleased we have all gathered in this great hall to discuss our experiences and our notions. I agree. And I, for one, declare Millard Fillmore's puffed rice cereal squares to be quite sumptuous. Indeed, Mr. Pierce, indeed.
There must be some mistake. Franklin Pierce has not yet arrived. I am James K. Polk. Oh my! This presidential face surely is red today. Attention, presidents.
We've surrounded the hall and cut off all forms of communication to the outside. Also, we have tasers. Well, I don't think we have any options here. I think we need to give up right now.
Not on my watch. I hold in my hand a document officially cancelling America. I trust you'll all be signing it. Hi. Can I get a churro? Yeah. |
dropout | winter_clings_are_the_new_summer_flings | So I'm really sorry about that break up. Oh yeah, it's okay. Whatever. I mean, it was like a summer fling, you know? I'm looking for something new. Oh yeah, hit that. Oh, not him. Him. Wait, really? Yeah, I ditched that summer fling.
Now I'm looking for a winter cling. Winter cling?
Oh, just like a nice snuggly guy. You can sort of trick yourself into thinking that you should be in a relationship with... For four to six months. Probably with an apartment close to the subway. I mean, don't get me wrong. Summer was great. It was like I stayed out late and I gave no fucks, but winter is coming. It's so cold. I'm in like nesting mode right now, and my brain is switching from like, sorry, not sorry, this is me, to oh my god, there's a group on for a couple's cooking class.
Ooh, look at him. He's prime hybridating material. Oh my god, I wonder if he has an HBO Go password or a fireplace.
Oh, shut up, Vivi. I'm sorry, maybe I don't get it because I've been in a relationship since college. That's really weird. It makes you hard to relate to. But aren't you just using these guys? Oh my god. No, not at all.
It's just like suddenly with the holidays around the corner. Oh, and there's going to be all these snowed in weekends.
You just want someone. Just like you want to get a guy and just commit to him. Let's go pick apples and just rent a cabinet with a Berkshires, you know?
Yeah. What about him? Yikes. No, he's got mid-century modern written all over him. Yeah, he probably has some expensive leather sofa with like no warm blankets on it. Oh my. Him? He's a little too fit. You know, I want my winter cling to be packing a ponch so I don't feel so guilty putting on that winter weight. Also, it's good for my electric bill, like a fuckable space heater. Sounds painful. Uh, Kim. Oh my god, it's like somebody ripped him out of an LL Bean catalog.
Just want to buy one of those sidewalk Christmas trees with him. I just want to forget about the $20 delivery minimum with him. I just want to like get through January, not have to be alone on Valentine's Day and then feel trapped when all my friends become single in April with him.
Oh, I guess he already has a winter cling. Also, like what's a guy's version of winter cling? A girl wears a lot of sweaters and makes really good chili. Probably just gives good head. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_mystery_solvers_part_2 | I don't want to use a walk-through, but I'm just, I'm literally bored out of my skull. Take playback of the parrot from his perch. It's locked. It is the most boring of you in the history of the universe.
Welcome back to the thrilling conclusion of Bleed Blue, brought to you by Stride, MegaMysteryGum. Do not reveal the hidden flavor, or Stride will come to your house and find you. We are in the middle of a very exciting case. It's the Hardy Boys, the hidden theft for Wii. I'm Jeff Rubin, here with John Gamers, Andrew Baum, private investigator from Sherlock Investigations, and Pat Castle's P.I. Here we go. We're on the ground. There's some suspects to interview. Mystery time. It's on. So, Andrew, we are on the crime scene. We have full access. What's our first step to crime? Teenage mischievousness. That's our territory. Now we're into crime solving.
I would say, walk to the left. Oh, hey. Hi, Lilly. I love this moment when Joe and Frank have a sidebar, and Joe's like, you need to seduce Lilly. Okay, go to the grandfather clock.
It looks old and expensive. It's locked. Great. Then check the desk. See that all the drawers are locked. Wow. The doors are locked.
Check. All of them? Probably. I don't know.
Check the white paper shredder left at the desk. Open the bin and take the shredded paper. Nothing is written on it. Totally blank. So there's a blank piece of paper behind that pot on the left. Go get it. I'm like the mentalist right now, and I'm just like, there's a paper under there. These blank pieces of paper mean something. We should keep collecting these. Our new ABC drama is called Walk Through. Let's take a look at the most boring video game inventory I've ever seen. Shredded paper, shard of glass, blank paper.
We'll go to the side of the card and see if it's locked. I'm going to do something here. I'm going to do a fine search on the word locked and see how many times it comes up.
Whoa, come on. That's dark, dude. This building looks ominous. No crap, there's a grave right here. Is this the utility shed or did I wander into Silent Hill?
We're at Mayport High School. Yeah, what's up, Mayport High?
Go to the computer lab. Fix the AC problem. Utility problem.
What is real investigative work like, is what I want to review. Just following people, is it just patience? It's a lot of talking to people, which is sometimes terrible. Kind of like, so in that respect, it's similar to this game. Lots of boring conversations with people you don't want to talk to.
Look at the red toolbox on the floor beside Mark. Take the flathead screwdriver and wrench and take the garbage can lid. Rob this poor old utility man of his tools. The wrench and the screwdriver I'm going to give to the Hardy Boys and this could be useful later.
I don't know why they're like, you know what? Let's just in case, we should get rid of this, maybe we'll need a makeshift shield.
Okay, jump to the mansion and talk to Officer Ricky. Then jump back to the nurse's station and talk to Riley. Then jump back to the mansion and go to the shed.
I hate this game so much. This doesn't even make sense. To be fair, we're just following the walk-through. Maybe the walk-through doesn't make sense. The walk-through is the only thing that makes sense in this crazy game. It makes sense in this crazy mixed up world.
Sorry, we have to do a Lexus Nexus search for a blood test. This is the most morbid part of the game, I mean blood is pretty. Just like, gross, I was carrying that rag in my satchel. The parents are like, help me. Isn't all this evidence probably now like inadmissible? Like, yeah, that blood's totally good.
A couple of high school kids were playing with it for a couple of hours. But other than that, it's untaken.
Talk to him about all this evidence, he'll give you a suspect printout. Douglas Seep, guys, we have a name. Douglas Seep! So we got our suspect. At this point, we have a suspect, we have a evidence that has been tampered with, significantly was, ignore that for the moment. Would you as a private investigator now take this to the police, or would you continue your investigation? I'd probably take it to the client, and then I'd probably continue the investigation, depending on whether the client wanted to pay for more. I'm like, genuinely cranky, but he was making me cranky.
It's like I'm at a job where they're like, okay, come here, I need you to come to my desk for a minute. When you come to the desk, the boss is like, all right, so go back to your desk and grab a panel. Bring it back here, you need a panel. Like, okay, grab the panel.
He's like, well, what are you going to write on? You need paper. Now go uptown, 16 blocks to Staples, and get paper. Come back here and talk about it. All right, great, thank you. Now take this to your desk and write on it. |
cracked | obscure_batman_villain_tries_to_get_a_job_the_calculator | Well, thanks for coming in, Mr. Cutler. Please, refer to me as the calculator. All right, lovely energy. Here, why don't we have a feed? Sure, yeah, yeah, that's great, thanks.
So what makes you an especially evil fit for our ultra-secret cabal of fiendish rogues? Well, I am a certified evil genius with experience managing and recruiting henchmen and specializing in convoluted gimmicks and needless cruelty.
Okay, so you do what? Math crime? No, actually, if you look at my resume, you'll see that I'm proficient in contraptions. Well, we can always use a gadget guy. Why don't you walk me through your work history? Certainly.
When I began my criminal career back in 1976, pocket calculators were all the rage. I designed this wearable computer to calculate the possible actions of every hero in the known universe. Well, not really how calculators work, but still impressive, how does it work exactly? It's quite simple, really.
I need to only engage in combat with a super for a few brief moments, so that I can analyze their data and their fighting style, and then I'm forever inoculated from their attacks. Okay, so you gotta get your ass kicked then. That's a little reductive, but yeah, I gotta get my ass kicked. Well, I see you've gotten your ass kicked by some high-profile heroes.
That I have. I took one on the chin from the atom, got a real foot job from Black Canary, had my guts rearranged by elongated man, even Batman gave me his best shot, but I sucked up his poof like it was nothing. That poof was nothing to me and my suck. But I realize there are limits to getting ass beaten all by myself in the woods.
So I co-founded several additional super evil groups to expand my professional network of ass BTs. See, that takes initiative. I always say, be the evil you wanna see in the world. Now, as a leader of a gang of goons, there's one accomplishment that you're most proud of.
I would have to say, be boop-a-poop. If I could only pick one time, be boop-a-poop. I think it would probably be that time that we captured and brutally murdered my greatest foe.
Can he turn it in? Maybe you've heard of him, maybe not, he's dead.
Okay, greatest foe is a literal child. He's a teen and a titan. Got it, murdered a teen, go on. A very powerful, very old teen.
But I'm also good at adapting. As technology advanced, I pivoted to cyber crime. I invented an internet only for bad guys called the internet.
I'm sure you've heard of it. Oh yeah, it's like LinkedIn.
But for super villains, right? Sure, but I also stole Kilgore's nanotechnology and gave myself the powers of technopathy, cyberpathy. I could control all machinery in the world and I could upload my consciousness into cyberspace. Wow, that's a lot of responsibility. What'd you do with all that power? Well, I used it to track down my nemesis, the oracle. Okay, because it looks like you cyberstocked a bunch of super babes. That was but one small part of my mastermind.
Hey, I get it, man. Why don't we jump to your skills section? It says here you can predict the future. I calculate the future, be boop-a-poop. Well, that sounds intentionally pedantic. Why don't you give me an example?
I have calculated my escape from prison time and time again. Once when the roof of a courtroom caved in, once when a bus careened into a police car that was transporting me, and once when a military rocket went haywire and hit the prison I was in.
Okay, so unless you actively made these things happen, I did not. It sounds like your superpower is just being really, really lucky. Now, I'm also seeing you can create objects out of thin air. I can compute objects. I can manifest any weapon in the known universe using my heartlight screen.
Oh, yeah, like the green lantern with the power ring. Yeah, I get it. No, it's different.
His things are green. My things are mostly blue.
So what kinds of weapons have you computed? Well, let's see. A giant leg, a finger. I'm really good at fists. Check the cell. Okay, so just body parts then. No, I can do a vacuum cleaner, a crane, sports equipment, look. Ah! Oh, see.
Baseball's for days. Okay, what about guns, bombs? Some of the baseballs were bombs. Okay, so like green goblins, pumpkin bombs, nice.
Look, I'm gonna be honest. Love the suit.
My only concern is that these just aren't things that a calculator does, right? I think I need some kind of brand messaging to just kind of bring this all home for me. Have you considered a catchphrase? I've been workshopping a few, not according to my calculations.
Look, I just enjoy doing math and getting my special button pushed. Well, I appreciate your time. Shit. Welcome to the team. I calculated you might say that. Ha, I feel like I'm staring at you.
Yo, calendar man. I told you to move my 10 o'clock to 2.30. How hard is that? I let you dress up like a calendar because you manage my calendar.
You can't handle that. Then maybe. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_s_New_Podcast_Ruck_Me_Dead | Hi, it's Clancy Overall here editor of the Batooder Advocate. I don't know if you know Very clear to us here in the newsroom and in Western Queensland that rugby union is back There are a few grim years there There are a couple high-profile Kiwis that took the reins at the Wallabies many would argue they were sleeper cells We've been damaged. We've been battered at the super rugby level We've been overshadowed by our Kiwi neighbors for quite some time But as of 2021 after a long pandemic it's become very clear the rugby union is back So when you think rugby union, we want you to think about Lottie Tekere, Wendell Saylor when they came across Steaming down the wing. We want you to think about Digby Uwani breakdancing in front of 45,000 screaming Queenslanders. We want you to think about Tim Horan holding up the William Webb Ellis We want you to think about John Eales's kick, John Eales's conversion in the 2000 Bledisloe Cup And of course Todd O'Kefu scoring a try on the bell the year after and of course We want you to think about our girls winning gold at the Olympics an Olympic gold for Australian rugby But most importantly in 2021 We want you to think about the new Batooder Advocate podcast Ruck Me Dead where we'll be covering everything in Australian rugby each week and The people to tell you about it is Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey each week on Ruck Me Dead now This is the third episode. We're gonna play for you today So tune in have a listen and if it's your cup of tea if this beautiful thing the game They play in heaven is what you live for Follow Ruck Me Dead on their main feed on all podcast channels.
Now that's enough from me. I'll hand over to the other fellas Welcome to Spain.
This is Bert Baron. Control this and have a cup. This is a demented mall there.
The Waratahs coach is gone. The Brummys and the Reds keep rolling and a sad day for the French Hello and welcome to the rugby dead podcast. My name is Errol Parker and with me here in the boot as always is Wendell Hussey We're here to talk about some very big developments in super rugby that have happened over the week and None bigger than what happened with the Brummys and the force over the weekend Yes, that certainly was the story of the week that game down there in the capital There was also the major announcement made by the New South Wales Waratahs Which they posted on social media before making the announcement and immediately let everyone know that Rob Penny was getting sacked Wallabies got announced as well this way and there was a couple of cracking games over in New Zealand Yep, and there were a couple good games in Europe, but I think we should start with the Biggest news out of super rugby this week the Brummys have won So now they spin it back open Hanson holds it up there Rick's one.
Why do you know who? Samu working it down the far side and getting knocked in a touch by Jack McGregor. He came from nowhere That's a huge hit now.
Let's kick off this week down in the bush capital The Brummys took on the force on Friday night 42 points to 14 Errol the force got rolled Yeah, they did mate the the Brummys bounced back from their loss two weeks ago and in a real big way I think they really came out strong in the first half They blew the force out of the water didn't really give him any ball didn't really give him any chances to to score points But uh, I think they had 67% of the possession in the first half and 85% of the territory That just goes back to the old adage man. You just cannot win a game of football without the ball No, you certainly can't and the Brummys effectively just set up camp in the force half They just said we're in here for the next 40 minutes I think the force had maybe like one play inside the Brummys 22 and a couple inside the half The Brummys were just down there on the force trial line and just battering and battering and battering And I don't know how the force held out for as long as they did really well my credit to them They did have had probably one of the better defensive games I've seen them play, you know the as you were saying the Brummys They set their embassy up down there on their 22 and they were just going through set play after set play and just truck Ball straight up into the force and the force credit to them just put up a wall But you know and like with any wall mate, there is always a way through a wall. You just need to find it Yeah Eventually, the Brummys camp did get the fire going they started roasting marshmallows when Big Lenny Ickertau burst over and scored a nice Try there. He had a sensational game Actually, I think he might push Geordie Pattaya for that 13 jersey for the Wallabies love Big Lenny Strong nice carry the ball really good offload.
Good slide of hand. He actually nice moment I don't know if you noticed after he scored that try MacHanson came over and gave him a big cuddle and they shared a nice little kiss gave him a kiss on the cheek to celebrate that Try for MacHanson's part in it and helping out. I thought that was really nice a good healthy display of Emotion that was just something little that I noticed good to see those two boys Showing each other a bit of affection after the try.
Well, it is great seeing that but look I'm not sure if this score lines again as I think we say this every week I don't think the score lines truly indicative of what this game was, but the force did caught nine penalties maidens So I'm not really sure if it's quite positive rugby that that helped the Brummys get to 42 points Or if the force just handed it to him really there was a bright moment though for the force wasn't there with um Young Jack McGregor. Yeah flying in on Pete Samu down there on the wing and Bump, yeah, I made my I heard the whip crack from Alice Springs which is where I was over the weekend and it was a it was a brutal tackle, but He got up and and that's one thing that you've got to do you know, you've got to take your licks if if you get smashed the only reason why you shouldn't be getting up is if you know You you've got an acquired brain injury and yep The signals just aren't getting from your brain to the rest of your body to get up Yeah, even if you've had the wind absolutely knocked out of you and you don't think you'll ever breathe again You got to find a way to get back up on your feet and you've got to get up I do love big Pete Samu though and you know, I love the shirt tuck in that he does He always has his shirt tucked into his shorts. He's got that moe the mullet I'm all about him and I think he needs more time in the wallaby's camp But that was a huge huge play from Jack McGregor. He literally as he's getting towards the try line. He goes and Does the pulls the face like I'm gonna bump this guy and score the try and big old Jack just comes flying in And knocks him out. It was great to say I couldn't believe he did it Not sure if I'm a fan of the shirt tucking thing, you know, I like it It's a bit funny like it's it's it's a bit weird, you know, it implies that you know, you don't like being tackled Yeah, you reckon they do it a lot in soccer, which is and the jersey I don't like being tackled Well in soccer, I think it's illegal to grab people. I don't really know Aesthetically, I just think it looks nice But there's one thing that I think we can agree on is I like the way that both teams flog their benches I mean every single person that came off that field had played a good amount of rugby and I think that's very important moving forward Especially this early on in the season to give as much people as much game time as possible There is nothing worse than sitting on the bench for 70 minutes and then getting on have a little bit of a run around but the play is like slow and broken down and not too much is happening and then You have to go and join the boys in the showers afterwards and you haven't really earned it particularly if you're a back, you know, you probably could have had the shower back at the hotel I mean there is I don't know exactly what you mean There is nothing worse than playing 10 minutes at full back or wing or something and then you go into the showers It's just not a satisfying feeling where one of the best Feelings in rugby is that you have is right after a big game in the mud in the dirt covered in sweat other people's blood your blood and you get in the showers with the boys and you just have a Good shower and the the water at your feet turns a brownie, you know, yeah Little bit of yellow sometimes in there as well the water at your feet, you know turns that rich mixture of Brown and yellow, you know that real dehydrated tinges of yellow.
Yeah. Yeah The cacophony of noise around you as well. Yeah, the boys allowed someone might even have some speakers on there It's 20 boys in there you know in the showers like a mob of cattle in a dam after you've just been walking them for half a day and They go up to their knees in the dam and they're just pissing in the water drinking it having a good old time You know earning that rest. Yes. Yeah, it's a special special feeling I also just quickly want to touch on another thing which I find aesthetically pleasing Laurie Fisher is sitting up in the coaches booth there at GIO Stadium bucket hat on dark Nighttime under lights still got the bucket hat on you reckon he ever takes it off I think he would take it off to shower, but that'll be about it But I think there is no finer person in Australian rugby in my opinion than Laurie Yeah, and he is a pioneer of the bucket hat He was the the trailblazer for coaches to wear bucket hats and I think that people who wear The bucket coat aren't necessarily copying Laurie at all That is doing it in honor of Laurie You know, I think every time you don your Brumby's bucket hat or whichever team you follow you you're channeling a bit of Laurie Yeah, each time you do it it's an iconic clothing staple the Brumby's bucket hat We probably do need a between a mutt's bucket hat as well I reckon I just want to finish off with something that I found a little bit surprising actually on Friday night as Everyone would probably know Sonny Bill Williams huge signing for Stan sport. Love it.
Love a bit of Sonny Bill big fan was a little bit confused on Friday night though, because I Flicked across to the rugby league after watching the rugby union They obviously watch the force and Brumby's live and then I flicked across to the rugby league there the bunnies and the roosters You know a bit of a whatever a bit of a I think it was a big game or something a rugby league I don't know and I noticed that Sonny Bill Williams was really Doing a lot for them for that game the bunnies and the roosters He was in the commentary booth with the boys. He was down on the sideline talking all that sort of stuff I don't know I just think like yeah, I guess the bunnies and roosters Friday night like all those narratives. Maybe it's a big game But surprised he wasn't out at GIO Stadium for the force and Brumby's on Friday night Yeah, look my that took me by surprise too. I mean I you know, of course he does have Experience with with the roosters as we all know he played a lot of games there Yeah, but look I was really disappointed that they didn't force him to go down to Canberra and you know Interview people that have come off, you know, just just getting some rugby commentary experience I think maybe Sonny Bill just had a bit of an IOU to Nick politis there Very true good good call Dave he has to do a few more favors for uncle Nick just yet Yeah, and then Saturday night We had the Reds and the waratahs Oh Geez my Reds are humming.
They're looking so good They were made and I bet you weren't nervous that they were going to go down They're looking for their first win down in Sydney in in what was that eight years. No, is it was it really? Yeah, they that they hadn't won in the reds you haven't won in Sydney for eight years and they broke the drought they won the Rod Templeton Cup and That winners springboarded them past my Brumby's to the top of the table window in my head before this game there was No way they could lose There just wasn't no matter what happened. There's no kind of going down take going down There was just no way they were gonna lose to the waratahs this weekend mate. I reckon that Rob Thorne He could have made the Reds run all the way down to Sydney from Brisbane down the Pacific Highway Play the game as soon as they got there and then turn around and run back and they would be right for next Week, there definitely were some really positive things from the Reds some really great signs from Suliasi vunavala again He's starting to look really really comfortable in the 15-man code Hopefully that injury is not too serious down guna was looking good All the Reds actually were looking really good.
Love big Sebu Uru at eight He's in the wall of his squad, which we'll talk about very excited for him. I think he could be a great lock for us Mr. Hunter Paisami just doing what he does and Tate McDermott starting to look really good, too And I couldn't help but think With Tate he scored two tries now in two weeks back to back His hair's starting to grow back a little bit longer I know Brad Thorne I think it was last year big sergeant big army sergeant Brad Thorne made Tate cut his hair didn't like his surfy locks made him cut his hair get a really tight haircut He was still playing really well But he seems to have hit a bit of a purple patch of form and I can't help but think that maybe the longer Hair for him the bit of expression. That's just who he is. He's just feeling himself He's just getting out there the running games back Passes are on point. So Brad, please don't send him down to the barber and get it trimmed up just yet All right. Well Brad, I think I think he needs to take a look at the fact that you know He's favorite rugby player of all time. Jesus Christ had head and shoulders and I Think a lot of Jesus's powers came from the fact he had head and shoulders So I think Brad should let his boys have the same hairstyle as as the halfback for the Nazareth Fucking first first 15.
Yeah, don't crucify a bloke who's gonna be the best version of himself Brad now There was another thing that caught my eye actually on the the Friday night game Taniela's big boof of Carlo Tisano as he scored that try that gave me chills Yeah, as you would have heard in the intro to this little section on the waratahs Tupo running over Carlo didn't see that coming if there was one thing leading into this game I wasn't going to expect to see it was someone running over Carlo Yeah, if there was anyone in the waratahs that you'd back to put a shot on big tongue and thought it will be Carlo But he turned into a little speed bump Also, we mentioned the rugby league game on Friday night between the bunnies and the roosters you might notice It was a few celebrities the Hemsworth Natalie Portman was there Goldblum all of those guys with Russell Crowe and it was really great to see on Saturday night Back there at ANZ Bob Dwyer doing the same thing for the waratahs We had Arj Barker. We had Anthony Kalaya Lee Harding. I think Hillary Duff as well So there was some some big names getting out for the waratahs and Reds and really enjoying some good footy So great stuff from Bob Dwyer there. I think but imagine if you'd if you'd worked your whole life as an actor you know you're heavily lauded and you just here in this country in this covert paradise to film a Movie and someone asks you to go down to GIO obviously in the back of a beamer or something like that you go there and you just watch this game and Not know what's going on and then you get back in your car and go back to the hotel and you just like What the fuck was that?
It'd be very confusing. It would be very confusing.
But Ed Sheeran was at the AFL which is Typical he's a bit of a space cadet and you happen to be a bit of a space cadet to like that game But there is there is an elephant in the room that we need to address with the waratahs and that is the sacking of their coach Rob Penny So we just think we need to put out a bit of an apology to every waratahs player that we're consulted Apologize to Rob Penny himself It's clearly not their fault that their season has gone absolutely pear-shaped the real problem as Evidently now is the board the board has no faith the waratahs season was in the shitter Why wouldn't you just take the chance to build a team over the rest of this season and try and get some cohesion That's what the Chiefs have done and the Chiefs have come good a sports team is not a business, you know They're not a sales team and you can sack, you know that they don't have targets. These are people this is you know It's it's completely different beast and this is the same board that has run the waratahs into the ground over the last couple of Years, they've completely turned the waratahs into this young cult his team Must have been listening podcast he referred to the boys as a cults team last week and Now they're just sacking Rob Penny and expecting things to be fixed by promoting the two assistant coaches who have been there the whole time Anyway to become interim coaches and whenever has getting rid of a coach halfway through a season ever helped It's never helped It's a knee-jerk reaction and if the waratahs go the rest of the season and don't win off game Which which could happen unless? Maybe they get a cheeky win over the rebels or something in an eight weeks time. Do you think they'll sack the board? No, no, no way I mean Maybe they're looking right now To find new jobs for the board to get the board moved on to maybe like a mining cup Santos maybe moving around This poor coach.
Yeah, he's got no cattle He's got Hooper over in Japan playing good rugby and he's learning to under Steve Hanson of all blacks fame He's learning some good shit over there he'll be back here in four months and so What Rob penny is to blame for the fact that the New South Wales board and the people in charge of the organization have given him Potty calves. Yes, they've given him potty calves to take out and Do something with they've given them potty calves that sit in the fucking yard and they just drink The milk out of the fake plastic tit and they're just not learning The only thing that I can think might be coming out of this is the domino effect of what's happened in England, maybe Eddie Jones is gonna get sacked because Warren Gatlin is apparently looking at houses. He is quicken him area, which means he's got the England job He's looking at he went to a house inspection in the Twicken area. So he's as good as got that job So he'll go and take out of England which means Eddie will be in need of a job Which means maybe we could get Eddie to the war task which it'd be a hospital pass for him But if anyone could turn it into a line break get over the game line It'd be Eddie if anyone can get the war returns to two or three wins this season It's probably Eddie, but my heart goes out to Rob penny and I hope he finds a good job And he finds some good cattle and he fucked wherever the hell he lands. Yeah. Look, I know it's not all Rob Penny's fault, but I think he does have to take a little bit of responsibility as well I know he's not got a lot to work with but there are things that can be done and when you look at Jack Maddox make a break down the sideline against the Reds and He goes to ground and there's five Reds coming and counter-racking and a single war at our trying to secure the ball That's nothing to do with skill That's just like hard work training attitude all that kind of stuff Maddox did it again? Turnover penalty like there is obviously attitude issues at the war atars as well and at a certain point Is Rob penny gonna turn that around?
I don't know the whole thing's a fucking mess The whole thing is a complete mess our winning culture breeds a winning team And now we should move on to some rugby from Kiwi land Which of course is only available on stand sport here in Australia live and ad free the Highlanders took on Geordie Barrett on Friday night There's Under contact now, here's new Mia gets the call from Barrett inside pass from Ray RC Now Campbell Lomax change of direction Yeah, Geordie Barrett really was a bit of a one-man band on a On Saturday night every single point. Yep, every single point. Yep off the boat off the hand Geez I'd give anything for a guy like Geordie the cane they were unstoppable and that all came from Geordie He can sink him from anywhere Connie as well that boot of his is a monster It was good to say the hurricanes win this actually because I was starting to wonder like if it was just the Crusaders and the Blues over there in super rugby all about it seems like it's pretty even obviously the Crusaders are just miles above anyone and No one's coming close to them But it's good to say the bit of parity between those other kind of teams No, no, well, you know I guess there's nothing really more to say about that game that than every team kind of wishes that they had a Barrett brother Yep, which was even more evident when the Chiefs rolled the Blues at the death 15 points to 12 After 30 minutes the Chiefs had already won 20 rocks, which I think was pretty indicative of what this game was like Very forward heavy. Yeah, this felt like a cold night in sale kind of game the definition not Kiwi rugby Not Kiwi rugby like three Damian Mackenzie's try at the end to win it obviously hot as shit But the rest of it just felt like a grind and arm wrestle. I mean, you know with the stands sport Highlights when you open the highlights package and you're already up to the 22nd minute There was just nothing in the first 22 minutes that they deemed worthy of a highlight You know what kind of a game you're in for I feel like yeah It was great to see the the Chiefs finally get the win there The Blues kind of just turned up looking to win really like even at the 77th minute. They're up by four points They're down inside the Chiefs 22 just taking things to be casual like right. Oh, we're gonna score here We're gonna do these blokes and then all of a sudden bang Chiefs get the turnover penalty march up the other end Ridiculous offload Luke Jacobson goes through goes down potentially that was a forward pass to the guy He gives it goes down.
But anyway, he went backwards. He went backwards backwards out of the hands Let's not get started on that.
Let's not go there and then Damian McKenzie grabs the ball. I thought maybe he'd cooked it because there was like three blues defenders around him He was a little bit kind of isolated. They were like backs outside him so, you know if they come to clean out they're probably gonna come in from the side and fuck it up and the blues Earn a penalty and it's all over but somehow he like skirts out of it Bang dots down all the boys come down on top of him big pile on Love to say it. Well in the dying minutes of that game though that both teams had won 80 rucks each Yeah, right, which just goes to show that you know, it was a contest that was ultimately decided in the rucks and I think that is Clearly shown by the fact that the Blues conceded 12 penalties to the Chiefs nine and and in the end It was really a penalty goal that separated the two teams With the the Chiefs getting theirs and the Blues missing theirs, so we could have had a tie But I'm happy that the Chiefs now have two on the truck a real game for the piggies What are the forwards going on juice backs Combing the hair out the sideline don't mind us boys. We're just gonna get to work made the water passing Everyone's feet in the showers after that game would have looked like crude oil.
Yeah, it would have been satisfying I mean just seeing it, you know a piss darker than a scooter of rashes just Landing on your mate's foot, you know, there's nothing better that way caddo soil lovely But there was one back out there who was doing his best forward impression once again Caleb Clark, he would be so hard to tackle I mean he just goes out there and catches bodies the whole times but get a bag I know that lots of big boys have a lot in the acceleration department But once he gets up to speed he gets those legs Pumping and pumping and pumping he would be the hardest person Not the hardest person but one of the hardest people in world rugby to stop once he gets he has the thickest thighs Mmm, I mean like he would size mate. He'd be able to push a bus up fucking. Mmm Bondi Road He's a strong man Now that we mention it who would be the man you would least like to tackle one-on-one Taniela Tupo Caleb Clark Caleb Clark, you reckon hundred percent Yeah, I mean you just have to get your life insurance in order and then just run at him Yeah, just don't even try to tackle him Just try and beat him on sheer inertia. Mmm I think I reckon Taniela you couldn't pay me to stand in front of Taniela while he runs at me You could pay me to do it.
I'll do anything for money Yeah, you did work for Ruben Murdoch's news of the world for what five years?
Yep, and I kissed him on the lips too, man It was it was a dark time in my life, but so lying down there while Caleb Clark runs over the top Yeah a big deal. Yeah fair enough and just one more thing. I want to touch on before we go It's good to see that the Chiefs spinning around after going through a very dark patch.
What was it was 14 losses on the trot They stuck with their coach. They stuck with their team and look what's happening now I mean look you've got a new interim coach in because as we touched on earlier warrants You know allegedly over in England looking at houses So you've got Clayton McMillan in one of the great Kiwi names He started in February and he took a lot of losses and there was a lot of pressure on him But he's turned them around.
Yeah, he has it's great to say I love those regional farm boys, but also I just want to say something before we move on What the fuck is with the lights at Waikato? It looks dark the months training ground on a Thursday night has better visibility than that Waikato ground I love the cowbells. I love the atmosphere, but I always feel like I've got my brightness on I know the bare minimum like I've got 3% left on my phone and I'm trying to watch something before it dies Why is it always so dark? Can't they get some decent floodlights? Well, man, I think it's part of the reason why everyone on the South Island of New Zealand has depression I mean, it's constantly overcast. It's dark. You know, it does look nice in Photographs and fjord land, you know and all these national parks, but you know In the suburbs of Dunedin going into winter, you know, not the most cheery place in the world mate, and I think On the South Island too. I think they're still running off hydro over there, you know as Green energy is pretty on unreliable if you ask me, so maybe they do need some some coal plants or maybe some nuclear Just yeah, well, maybe that's how they're getting to net zero I guess they need to put some hundred watt light bulbs up there in the towers. Yeah, absolutely Cuz at the moment, it's just like those light stands at tradies get at Bunnings Like it is boxes like four of those and that thing and that could be why I made that Kiwi rugby is on the Decline.
Yes. I absolutely now we should have a quick look ahead to next week Waratahs and Brumby's at the SCG Love watching football there incredible ground will not be there. I don't like watching rugby at the SCG I don't like watching much of the SCG. In fact, there's not much of Sydney. I really like Yeah, this is one that I'll be watching on the Nick Scali on Stan sport I'll be watching it live You could make the argument that you'd be closer to the game on the stand sport on your $5,000 couch then if you are actually watching at the SCG, it's dead set that far from the field I would be closer to the action watching this game in Queensland because it's a cricket ground not a football ground historically, they have played a lot of games of rugby there, but Historically, a lot of people used to die from polio. Yes.
Yeah times have moved on Yeah, it can't be something that we always adhere to Rebels then play the Reds at Amy Park on Saturday Hopefully the Reds can get the job done against the rebels and keep on rolling Should be an interesting game rebels after the bike coming back Yeah, man, and as much as we like to heap a load of crap in Melbourne They do provide a great sporting atmosphere and look if you're in town if you're down there in Melbourne Maybe this is a game that you can go and see it's gonna be a bit cold on the weekend down there in The cold country and I think it would be nice to put on a jacket Go and have some cold beers at the ground. Maybe go out later in Richmond Maybe ask a stranger for a Peter Stuyvesant when you're out out the back and try and be in bed by one o'clock I mean, you know those other nights that you tend to remember when you get old. Yeah fair enough Good luck If you get in a bed at one o'clock down in Melbourne that city does not sleep then over in New Zealand Crusaders will beat the Highlanders in Dunedin by how much we're not sure just yet I reckon a good 40 maybe 50 But I guess you won't be taking me up on that bet this week Then the big city boys go at it on Saturday Arlo the Blues and the Hurricanes Fighting for second place there. I think I think the Geordie's gonna lift again I mean, I think you going into this contest you would have mashed potatoes in your brains Your brain would be more fucked than most people on the waratahs board if you back the Blues going into this I mean, I know you hate the Blues you are I don't hate the Blues.
I'm just not impressed by them. They don't play a Very exciting brand of rugby not really. Yeah. No, they can be a little bit boring.
Sometimes the way they play I guess that's what happens when you got a pack of all blacks you want to dominate in the forwards But unleash Caleb Clark unleash mark Talia. Yeah Well, if they play the selfish conservative rugby that have done the all blacks, you know a great disservice of the years Which I think laid the foundation for them choking so many times on the highest Stage because when you play rugby that doesn't have any flair that's what happens to you. Yep So we'll keep an eye on that game and see what happens there and the six nations also took place over the weekend France keep making the tackles Gilchrist What an effort 18 phases It's a game you just don't want to end Scotland continue. They're a meter short now price Hey stings, they're gonna do it The key ways of Europe Wales ended up winning that one Probably the most undeserving six nations winners ever as we mentioned a couple of weeks ago They bet on and Scotland with red cards and then I just beat them They beat England after a couple of questionable calls France played the best footy ended up finishing fourth in the competition after the Scots beat them terrible sad sad for France But I think they're building they're the dark horses for the World Cup I reckon the way that the French play rugby is how rugby was supposed to be place the forwards run it The backs run it they never take their foot off the gas the French I mean a lot of other teams including the wallabies can be guilty of putting the brakes on a game But the French they they always go helpful that even if the game is on the line They always play the way that they want to which is just with absolute flair and panache And I think you're right in saying that the French were Robin totally undeserving of coming for it's what makes the French so quintessentially French Scotland actually won that game which was a huge huge surprise everyone thought France we're gonna do a fair number because they needed to get the 21 points I Would fucking hate to play against Scotland. I don't know about you guys, but they look so niggly and so just Into you all the time they just don't let out they're just constantly into you and niggling and playing just hard tough footy They would not be fun to play against it all particularly in the wet Well, that's part of the reason why I think that Scotland exists and it's not just fine Northern England, you know they do have The warrior culture that I think places like New Zealand have that they just have that mentality Where you know, you're just never gonna get on top of them Yeah, there's a reason that Glasgow kiss is so famous around the world, isn't there Errol? Yeah, and just while we're on Scotland I've just come across a stat here Hamish Watson the flanker for Scotland vast majority of the stats websites are saying he did not miss a tackle the entire six nations Which means he hasn't missed a tackle in almost two years and internationally he's on 242 consecutive tackles without missing one shit That is I think that tells you what that tells you a lot about Scotland.
That's incredible hasn't missed one fit 242 he should not be told that because the very next one. Yeah The pressure is gonna be on his like sleeps. It's like is this the one I'm gonna miss Is this the one I'm gonna miss is this the one I'm gonna miss but you know, he's obviously got the mental Fortitude of someone who's not on the waratahs board. So he's very rugged looking as well I don't reckon I've gone ten minutes without missing a tackle So hats off to Hamish and hats off to you dad because that's a great stat.
But the wallaby squad. Mmm ins and outs Yeah, there were some real bolters guys like Josh Kemeny were in there Dave Pareky from the waratahs only four of them only four so I've got to eat my stand sport hat because At least there's someone with a brain in the wallaby's team that has been like we just cannot be seen to be putting these Waratahs in the team it's a bad look It's really weird, isn't it to see a wallaby squad selected on like merit and hard work being rewarded quite odd It's the strange times We live in a lot of very controversial emissions if you ask me Joe power Carlo big Fergus Fergus was robbed Yeah, I mean he should have been in that squad I will be his biggest fucking cheerleader until the day that he dies or I die a real size I think I think I'm a bit older than him.
So I think I'll probably die first But look, I know that there were a lot of people in his position who I think you know I'm just gonna slot in maybe from Japan. Maybe just come and be parachuted in after you know Going out and getting a bit of money a bit again to rub together to go and buy a house in the northern beaches Because maybe playing here is not as lucrative as playing in Japan. The property market in Sydney is so crazy So you need to go to Japan?
Maybe but look I think Fergus has earned this spot. I mean that he's worked his backside off in the first couple of games of the Super Rugby But there is always next year and I think he's gonna go on and have a pretty good career as a rugby player Yeah, I look I feel for Goldilocks Joe Powell as well. I think he deserved to be in there He's been playing some good 40 The rebels pack hasn't exactly been dominating and he's been rolling off the back of that and doing some good stuff So I feel feel bad for him and also Carlo. I think he'd be good for the wallaby spin mongrel Niggle good stuff. That's what we kind of need I reckon when we come up against the all blacks and the sappers later on in the year and potentially France as well Hopefully that goes ahead in June.
But yeah, definitely interesting Dave Rennie did say to anyone who was left out and felt like they should have been in Fire up. Yep fire up and man.
Thanks to this covert outbreak in Brisbane We actually didn't have a game for the mother by resources. So There was a he came up from Brisbane.
He was about Our opposition for last week was tan bar. Yep tan bar.
Yep. Yeah, they called it off. Yeah, so there was no game So there's nothing to report. Yeah, cuz he's been on Thursday and then he came up and trained with them Yep, he was actually at the party that this landscaper had a cold and was 150 there at that part. I think it was closer to six or seven hundred I think that's what the media is reporting now Can't believe that bloke got away with that But anyway, he was one of the six or seven hundred at this party and he got caught off and we did have a Saturday Morning session, I believe I actually wasn't able to make it to the Saturday morning session at the gym And but apparently was only seven or eight guys So we do need to lift we need to get a few more guys there for those Saturday morning sessions No game this week cuz a star so we back into it with round one after Easter Which is very exciting looking forward to that But we are getting the wrap-up from outside the booth so that'll probably do us for this week. Yep. Thanks for your company Thanks for joining us and we'll be back again after the Easter break to bring you I kept all the biggest stories that have come out of the land of rugby.
Mm-hmm. Hopefully not. Are you worried about? See you next week. See you.
Bye I They could lose that just wasn't no matter what happened James I kind of going down take going down There was just no way they were gonna lose to the Waratahs this weekend, mate I reckon that Rob Thorne he could have made the Reds run all the way down to Sydney from Brisbane down the Pacific Highway Play the game as soon as they got there and then turn around and run back and they would be right for next week They definitely were some really positive things from the Reds some really great signs from Suliasi one of our Lou again He's starting to look really really comfortable in the 15-man code Hopefully that injury is not too serious down guna was looking good All of the Reds actually were looking really good. Love big seven or eight He's in the wall of his squad, which we'll talk about very excited for him I think he could be a great lock for us. Mr Hunter Paisami just doing what he does and Tate McDermott starting to look really good, too And I couldn't help but think With tight he scored two tries now in two weeks back to back His hair is starting to grow back a little bit longer. I know Brad Thorne I think it was last year big sergeant big army sergeant Brad Thorne made Take cut his hair didn't like his surfy locks made him cut his hair getting really tight haircut He was still playing really well But he seems to have hit a bit of a purple patch of form and I can't help but think that maybe the longer Hair for him the bit of expression. That's just who he is. He's just feeling himself He's just getting out there the running games back Passes are on point. So Brad, please don't send him down to the barber and get it trimmed up just yet All right. Well Brad, I think I think he needs to take a look at the fact that you know he's favorite rugby player of all time Jesus Christ had head and his shoulders and I Think a lot of Jesus's powers came from the fact he had head and it was shoulders So I think Brad should let his boys Have the same hairstyle as as the halfback for the Nazareth.
I can first first 15 Yeah, don't crucify a bloke who's gonna be the best version of himself Brad now There was another thing that caught my eye actually on the the Friday night game Taniela's big boof of Carlo Tisano as he scored that try that gave me chills Yeah, as you would have heard in the intro to this little section on the waratahs Tupo running over Carlo didn't see that coming if there was one thing leading into this game I wasn't going to expect to see it was someone running over Carlo Yeah, if there was anyone in the waratahs that you'd back to put a shot on big tongue and thought it will be Carlo But he turned into a little speed bump Also, we mentioned the rugby league game on Friday night between the bunnies and the roosters you won't notice It was a few celebrities the Hemsworth Natalie Portman was there Goldblum all of those guys with them Russell Crowe and it was really great to see on Saturday night Back there at ANZ Bob Dwyer doing the same thing for the waratahs We had Arj Barker. We had Anthony Callea Lee Harding. I think Hillary Duff as well So there was some some big names getting out for the waratahs and Reds and really enjoying some good footy So great stuff from Bob Dwyer there I think but imagine if you'd if you'd worked your whole life as an actor, you know You're heavily lauded and you just here in this country in this COVID paradise to film a movie and someone asks you to go down to GIO obviously in the back of a beamer or something like that you go there and you just watch this game and Not know what's going on and then you get back in your car and you go back to the hotel and you just Like what the fuck was that? Mm-hmm.
It'd be very confusing. It would be very confusing.
But Ed Sheeran was at the AFL which is Typical he's a bit of a space cadet and you have to be a bit of a space cadet to like that game but there is a there is an elephant in the room that we need to address with the waratahs and that is the sacking of their coach Rob Penny So we I just think we need to put out a bit of an apology to every waratahs player that we're consulted Apologize to Rob Penny himself it's clearly not their fault that their season has gone absolutely pear-shaped the real problem as Evidently now is the board the board has no faith the waratahs season was in the shitter Why wouldn't you just take the chance to build a team over the rest of this season and try and get some cohesion? That's what the Chiefs have done and the Chiefs have come good a sports team is not a business, you know They're not a sales team and you can sack you know that they don't have targets These are people this is you know It's it's completely different beast and this is the same board that has run the waratahs into the ground over the last couple of Years, they've completely turned the waratahs into this young cult his team, which Rob Penny must have been listening podcast He referred to the boys as a cult team last week And now they're just sacking Rob Penny and expecting things to be fixed by promoting the two assistant coaches who have been there the whole Time anyway to become interim coaches and whenever has getting rid of a coach halfway through a season ever helped It's never helped It's a knee-jerk Reaction and if the waratahs go the rest of the season and don't win off game which which could happen unless Maybe they get a cheeky win over the rebels or something in eight weeks time. Do you think they'll sack the board? No No, no way I mean Maybe they're looking right now To find new jobs for the board to get the board moved on to maybe like a mining cup Santos maybe moving around This poor coach.
Yeah, he's got no cattle He's got Hooper over in Japan playing good rugby and he's learning to under Steve Hanson of all blacks fame He's learning some good shit over there. He'll be back here in four months. And so What Rob Penny is to blame for the fact that the New South Wales board and the people in charge of the organization have given him Potty calves. Yes, they've given him potty calves to take out and do something with they've given them potty calves that sit in the Fucking yard and they just drink the milk out of the fake plastic tit and they're just not learning The only thing that I can think might be coming out of this is the domino effect of what's happened in England, maybe Eddie Jones is gonna get sacked because Warren Gatlin is apparently looking at houses. He's a Twickenham area, which means he's got the England job He's looking at he went to a house inspection in the Twickenham area. So he's as good as got that job So he'll go and take over England, which means Eddie will be in need of a job Which means maybe we could get Eddie to the waratahs, which it'd be a hospital pass for him But if anyone could turn it into a line break a get over the game line It'd be Eddie if anyone can get the waratahs to two or three wins this season It's probably Eddie but my heart goes out to Rob Penny and I hope he finds a good job And he finds some good cattle and he for wherever the hell he lands.
Yeah. Look, I know it's not all Rob Penny's fault, but I think he does have to take a little bit of responsibility as well I know he's not got a lot to work with but there are things that can be done and when you look at Jack Maddox make a break down the sideline against the Reds and He goes to ground and there's five Reds Coming and counter-racking and a single waratah trying to secure the ball. That's nothing to do with skill That's just like hard work training attitude all that kind of stuff Maddox. Did it again? Turnover penalty like there is obviously attitude issues at the waratahs as well and at a certain point Is Rob Penny gonna turn that around?
I don't know. The whole thing's a fucking mess The whole thing is a complete mess.
Our winning culture breeds a winning team Oh now we should move on to some rugby from Kiwi land Which of course is only available on stan sport here in Australia live and at free the Highlanders took on Geordie Barrett on Friday night again. Walk away weary kareef. He sends it away to Campbell. Why it's a ledger To contact now, here's new Mia gets the call from Barrett inside pass from Ray Now Campbell Lomax change of direction Yeah, Geordie Barrett really was a bit of a one-man band on a On Saturday night every single point.
Yep, every single point.
Yep off the boat off the hand She's like give anything for a guy like Geordie the cane they were unstoppable and that all came from Geordie He can sink him from anywhere Connie as well if he's a monster It was good to say the hurricanes win this actually because I was starting to wonder like if it was just the Crusaders and the Blues over there in super rugby out, you know about it seems like it's pretty even obviously The Crusaders are just miles above anyone and no one's coming close to them But it's good to say the bit of parity between those other kind of teams No, no, well, you know, I guess there's nothing really more to say about that game that then every team kind of wishes They had a Barrett brother Yep, which was even more evident when the Chiefs rolled the Blues at the death 15 points to 12 After 30 minutes the Chiefs had already won 20 rocks, which I think was pretty indicative of what this game was like Very forward heavy. Yeah, this felt like a cold night in sale kind of game the definition not Kiwi rugby Not Kiwi rugby like three Damian Mackenzie's try at the end to win it obviously hot as shit But the rest of it just felt like a grind and arm wrestle. I mean, you know with the stands sport Highlights when you open the highlights package and you're already up to the 22nd minute There was just nothing in the first 22 minutes that they deemed worthy of a highlight You know what kind of a game you're in for I feel like yeah It was great to see the the Chiefs finally get the win there The Blues kind of just turned up looking to win really like even at the 77th minute. They're up by four points They're down inside the Chiefs 22 just taking things to be casual like right. Oh, we're gonna score here We're gonna do these blokes and then all of a sudden bang Chiefs get the turnover penalty march up the other end Ridiculous offload Luke Jacobson goes through goes down potentially that was a forward pass to the guy He gives it goes down.
But anyway, he went backwards. He went backwards backwards out of the hands Let's not get started on that.
Let's not go there and then Damian McKenzie grabs the ball. I thought maybe he'd cooked it because there was like three blues defenders around him He was a little bit kind of isolated. They were like backs outside him so, you know if they come to clean out they're probably gonna come in from the side and fuck it up and the Blues earn a penalty and it's all over but somehow he like skirts out of it bang dots down All the boys come down on top of him big pile on Love to say it. Well in the dying minutes of that game though that both teams had won 80 rucks each Yeah, right, which just goes to show that you know, it was a contest that was ultimately decided in the rucks and I think that is Clearly shown by the fact that the Blues conceded 12 penalties to the Chiefs nine and and in the end It was really a penalty goal that separated the two teams With the the Chiefs getting theirs and the Blues missing theirs, so we could have had a tie But I'm happy that the Chiefs now have two on the truck a real game for the piggies What are the forwards going on juice backs Combing the hair out the sideline don't mind us boys. We're just gonna get to work made the water passing Everyone's feet in the showers after that game would have looked like crude oil.
Yeah, it would have been satisfying I mean just seeing it, you know a piss darker than a scooter of rashes just Landing on your mate's foot, you know, there's nothing better that white cat Oh soil lovely, but there was one back out there who was doing his best forward impression once again Caleb Clark, he would be so hard to tackle I mean he just goes out there and catches bodies the whole times but get a bag I know that lots of big boys have a lot in the acceleration department But once he gets up to speed he gets those legs Pumping and pumping and pumping he would be the hardest person Not the hardest person but one of the hardest people in world rugby to stop once he gets he has the thickest thighs Mmm, I mean like he weak thighs mate. He'd be able to push a bus up fucking. Mmm Bondi Road He's a strong man Now that we mention it who would be the man you would least like to tackle one-on-one Taniela Tupo Caleb Clark Caleb Clark, you reckon hundred percent? Yeah, I mean you just have to get your life insurance in order and then just run at him Yeah, just don't even try to tackle him Just try and beat him on sheer inertia. Mmm I think I reckon Taniela you couldn't pay me to stand in front of Taniela while he runs at me You could pay me to do it.
I'll do anything for money Yeah, you did work for Ruben Murdoch's news of the world for what five years?
Yep, and I kissed him on the lips too, man It was it was a dark time in my life, but so lying down there while Caleb Clark runs over the top Yeah a big deal. Yeah fair enough and just one more thing. I want to touch on before we go It's good to see that the Chiefs spinning around after going through a very dark patch.
What was it was 14 losses on the trot They stuck with their coach. They stuck with their team and look what's happening now I mean look you've got a new interim coach in because as we touched on earlier warrants You know allegedly over in England looking at houses So you've got Clayton McMillan in one of the great Kiwi names He started in February and he took a lot of losses and there was a lot of pressure on him But he's turned them around.
Yeah, he has it's great to say I love those regional farm boys, but also I just want to say something before we move on What the fuck is with the lights at Waikato? It looks dark the months training ground on a Thursday night has better visibility than that Waikato ground I love the cowbells. I love the atmosphere, but I always feel like I've got my brightness on I know the bare minimum like I've got 3% left on my phone and I'm trying to watch something before it dies Why is it always so dark? Can't they get some decent floodlights? Well, man, I think it's part of the reason why everyone on the South Island of New Zealand has depression I mean, it's constantly overcast. It's dark. You know, it does look nice in Photographs in fjord land, you know and all these national parks, but you know In the suburbs of Dunedin going into winter, you know, not the most cheery place in the world mate And I think on the South Island too. I think they're still running off hydro over there, you know as Green energy is pretty on unreliable if you ask me, so maybe they do need some some coal plants or maybe some nuclear Just yeah, well, maybe that's how they're getting to net zero I guess they need to put some hundred watt light bulbs up there in the towers. Yeah, absolutely Cuz at the moment, it's just like those light stands at tradies get a Bunnings flock It is boxes like four of those sitting around the thing and that could be why I made that Kiwi rugby is on the Decline.
Yes. I absolutely now we should have a quick look ahead to next week Waratahs and Brumby's at the SCG Love watching football their incredible ground will not be there. I don't like watching rugby at the SCG I don't like watching much of the SCG. In fact, there's not much of Sydney. I really like Yeah, this is one that I'll be watching on the Nick Scali on Stan sport I'll be watching it live You could make the argument that you'd be closer to the game on the stand sport on your $5,000 couch then if you are actually watching at the SCG, it's dead set that far from the field I would be closer to the action watching this game in Queensland because it's a cricket ground not a football ground historically, they have played a lot of games of rugby there, but Historically, a lot of people used to die from polio. Yes.
Yeah times have moved on Yeah, it can't be something that we always adhere to Rebels then play the Reds at Amy Park on Saturday Hopefully the Reds can get the job done against the rebels and keep on rolling Should be an interesting game rebels after the bike coming back Yeah, man, and as much as we like to heap a load of crap in Melbourne They do provide a great sporting atmosphere and look if you're in town if you're down there in Melbourne Maybe this is a game that you can go and see it's gonna be a bit cold on the weekend down there in The cold country and I think it would be nice to put on a jacket Go and have some cold beers at the ground. Maybe go out later in Richmond Maybe ask a stranger for a Peter Stuyvesant when you're out out the back and try and be in bed by one o'clock I mean, you know those other nights that you are tend to remember when you get old Yeah, fair enough. Good luck If you get in a bed at one o'clock down in Melbourne that city does not sleep then over in New Zealand Crusaders will beat the Highlanders in Dunedin by how much we're not sure just yet I reckon a good 40 maybe 50 but I guess you won't be taking me up on that bed this week Then the big city boys go at it on Saturday Arlo the Blues and the Hurricanes Fighting for second place there. I think I think the Geordie's gonna lift again I mean, I think you're going into this contest You would have mashed potatoes in your brains Your brain would be more fucked than most people on the waratahs board if you back the Blues going into this I mean, I know you hate the Blues.
You are I don't I don't hate the Blues I'm just not impressed by them. They don't play a Very exciting brand of rugby not really. Yeah. No, they can be a little bit boring.
Sometimes the way they play I guess that's what happens when you got a pack of all blacks you want to dominate in the forwards But unleash Caleb Clark unleash mark Talia. Yeah Well, if they play the selfish conservative rugby that have done the all blacks, you know a great disservice of the years Which I think laid the foundation for them choking so many times on the high Stage because when you play rugby that doesn't have any flair. That's what happens to you Yep, so we'll keep an eye on that game and see what happens there and the six nations also took place over the weekend France keep making the tackles Gilchrist just repels What an effort 18 phases It's a game you just don't want to end Scotland continue. They're a meter short now price Hey stings, they're gonna do it What a game The key ways of Europe Wales ended up winning that one Probably the most undeserving six nations winners ever as we mentioned a couple of weeks ago They bet on and Scotland with red cards and then I just beat them They beat England after a couple of questionable calls Yeah, France played the best footy ended up finishing fourth in the competition after the Scots beat them terrible sad sad for France But I think they're building they're the dark horses for the World Cup I reckon the way that the French play rugby is how rugby was supposed to be place the forwards run it The backs run it they never take their foot off the gas the French I mean a lot of other teams including the wallabies can be guilty of putting the brakes on a game But the French they they always go help or that even if the game is on the line They always play the way that they want to which is just with absolute flair and panache And I think you're right in saying that the French were Robin totally undeserving of coming forth It's what makes the French so quintessentially French Scotland actually won that game which was a huge huge surprise everyone thought France we're gonna do a fair number because they needed to get the 21 points I Would fucking hate to play against Scotland. I don't know about you guys, but they look so niggly and so just Into you all the time they just don't let out they're just constantly into you and niggling and playing just hard tough footy They would not be fun to play against at all particularly in the wet Well, that's part of the reason why I think that Scotland exists and it's not just fine Northern England, you know they do have The warrior culture that I think places like New Zealand have that they just have that mentality Where you know, you're just never gonna get on top of them Yeah, there's a reason that Glasgow kiss is so famous around the world, isn't there Errol? Yeah, and just while we're on Scotland I've just come across a stat here Hamish Watson the flanker for Scotland vast majority of the stats websites are saying he did not miss a tackle the entire six nations Which means he hasn't missed a tackle in almost two years and internationally He's on 242 consecutive tackles without missing one shit That is I think that tells you why that tells you a lot about Scotland.
That's incredible hasn't missed one fit 242 he should not be told that because the very next one. Yeah The pressure is gonna be on his like sleeps. It's like is this the one I'm gonna miss Is this the one I'm gonna miss is this the one I'm gonna miss but you know, he's obviously got the mental Fortitude of someone who's not on the waratahs board. So he's very rugged looking as well I don't reckon I've gone ten minutes without missing a tackle So hats off to Hamish and hats off to you dad because that's a great stat, but the wallaby squad In's and outs. Yeah, there were some real bolters guys like Josh Kemeny were in there Dave Pareky from the waratahs only four of them only four so I've got to eat my stand sport hat because At least there's someone with a brain in the wallaby's team that has been like we just cannot be seen to be putting these Waratahs in the team it's a bad look It's really weird, isn't it to see a wallaby squad selected on like merit and hard work being rewarded quite odd It's the strange times We live in a lot of very controversial omissions if you ask me Joe power Carlo big Fergus Fergus was robbed Yeah, I mean he should have been in that squad I will be his biggest fucking cheerleader until the day that he dies or I die a real size I think I I think I'm a bit older than him.
So I think I'll probably die first But look, I know that there were a lot of people in his position who I think, you know I'm just gonna slot in maybe from Japan. Maybe just come and be parachuted in after you know Going out and getting a bit of money a bit of yen to rub together to go and buy a house in the northern Beaches because maybe playing here is not as lucrative as playing in Japan. The property market in Sydney is so crazy So you need to go to Japan?
Maybe but look I think Fergus has earned this spot. I mean that he's worked his backside off in the first couple of games of the Super Rugby But there is always next year and I think he's gonna go on and have a pretty good career as a rugby player Yeah, look, I feel for Goldilocks Joe Powell as well. I think he deserved to be in there He's been playing some good 40 The rebels pack hasn't exactly been dominating and he's been rolling off the back of that and doing some good stuff So I feel feel bad for him and also Carlo. I think he'd be good for the wallaby spin mongrel Niggle yeah good stuff That's what we kind of need I reckon when we come up against the All blacks and the sapphires later on in the year and potentially France as well.
Hopefully that goes ahead in June But yeah, definitely interesting Dave Rennie did say to anyone who was left out and felt like they should have been in Fire up. Yep fire up and man.
Thanks to this covert outbreak in Brisbane We actually didn't have a game for the mother by resources. So There was a he came up from Brisbane.
He was about Our opposition for last week was tan bar. Yep tan bar.
Yep. Yeah, they called it off. Yeah, so there was no game So there's nothing to report Thursday and then he came up and trained with them. Yep.
He was actually at the party that this landscaper had Called and was 150 there at that party. I think it was closer to six or seven hundred I think that's what the media is reporting now Can't believe that bloke got away with that But anyway, he was one of the six or seven hundred at this party and he got called off and we did have a Saturday Morning session, I believe I actually wasn't able to make it to the Saturday morning session at the gym And but apparently was only seven or eight guys So we do need to lift we need to get a few more guys there for those Saturday morning sessions No game this week cuz a star so we back into it with round one after Easter Which is very exciting looking forward to that.
Mm-hmm, but we are getting the wrap-up from outside the booth So that'll probably do us for this week. Yep. Thanks for your company Thanks for joining us and we'll be back again after the Easter break to bring you I kept all the biggest stories that have come out of the land of rugby. Mm-hmm. Hopefully not a word See you next week. See you. Bye |
Wizards_with_Guns | our_10k_subscriber_special | America. There's no water in my cup. You got water? You have 24 hours.
Hey everybody I'm Michael and I'm Frank and I'm Mitchell and this is our 10k subscriber spec- come on. 10k subscriber special. To celebrate we're doing a Q&A and also a blooper reel but first before anything we just wanted to say we couldn't have done any of this without some super close friends, our amazing families, and also of course you guys. Thanks so much for sharing our videos with your friends and posting our stuff on reddit. The fact that we've hit 10k is crazy to us and it means we're winning the war against Algorhythmius.
For those of you who don't know Algorhythmius is the evil wizard of the YouTube algorithm. How many times have we said his name? Who? Algorhythmius? Tis I Algorhythmius, the evil wizard of the YouTube- We know who you are.
Oh okay cool. Please leave us alone. And you are? What? How do you not remember us? We're wizards with guns. Oh yes I remember you now you're the channel that I specifically don't recommend to anyone. Wait really? Nah I'm just kidding I don't know who you are. Let's do the Q&A. We got these questions from our Instagram at wizards of guns our Twitter at WWG underscore TV and some of them come from YouTube. We couldn't get to all of them but thank you guys so much for sending them in.
Don't- Stop trying to be natural. Fran Calugo underscore PR asked how do you come up with sketch ideas? It's usually pretty spontaneous yeah just we're constantly looking for ideas so the fact that we're just constantly thinking about it it happens a lot more naturally we'll call each other up out of the blue like oh what about this right yeah no I hate it. Almost the least fruitful is like when we all sit down and go okay let's think of an idea. That's weird. And then we'll just sit there for like three hours. But what about like the process is there any like how do you come up with it? I have kind of a process.
I draw a nice bat. I pour a glass of wine.
Also we have something called the Wizards Bank it's just a giant Google Doc filled you can keep scrolling probably 200 bad ideas. This guy's so bad. Do you want to read a few from the Wizard Bank?
We could. This New York's famous egg. Where do toilets poop? One of them is just called Kathy. I don't even remember what we were thinking. It's the name Kathy. We have one called you're pooping my pants. Another still poops. Okay.
TWPO asked how did you guys meet? I mean we went to high school together all of us. It was a small school so we like saw each other in all our classes a bunch. Yeah and with the school graduating at like 60 or 72 people or something yeah with a small school there's only a certain percentage of weird kids. Pencil of stuff writes are you aware that one of you has a doppelganger?
Ada Kuhn 13 asks what kind of D&D campaign do you guys play and would you consider streaming one? Well we play D&D 5e I am normally me and our friend Andrew are normally the DM of our group and we kind of prefer more lower fantasy think maybe witcher style stuff. Yeah I mean we always like come up with our own stuff we don't usually play modules or anything yeah it's our own world more world building this map is actually from a campaign than we all play. Oh yes this map this was my old world that we used to play in whose campaign lasted two years but Michael drew all of this Michael's really talented artist.
Would we ever stream one? Oh would we ever stream one? That's the second half. So we would we're definitely interested in either streaming or doing some sort of D&D show. So yes but not yet.
I am five bears asks have you ever reused props in an interesting way? We did repurpose something to make a prop. Amigius's beard was actually a Moses wig. We we cut a hole in the in the top of the wig and then we gelled down the bangs of the wig to make a mustache. It looks it smells.
Zukwop Studios asks what channels influenced you guys the most either now or in your youth also congrats on 10k thank you. I would say old-school College humor as a whole but definitely very specifically JK Amir. Steve Zaragoza from old source fed. Oh yeah. Oh balloon shop and good neighbor stuff. Definitely. They were so talented. I mean just Steve Bruhl as a whole dude. Steve Bruhl kills yeah I love him. Oh Gus Johnson. He's definitely someone we look up to. Old Rhett and Link. Their channel Rhett and Link. Their stuff was so creative.
Kristen Jack. Yes Kristen Jack is very good.
Morgz. Morgz's mom. Corridor Digital.
Oh yeah. Oh Rocketchomp. Yup yup.
This is really good. This is just an excuse for us to nerd out over all our favorite YouTubers. Ooh Joe Pera. I wouldn't say he influences us because his comedy is so so unique. He's just our patron saint at the moment.
Boring! Next question sucked.
Other.Ben asks you guys are amazing how did it all start? Thank you Other.Ben.
Started because we wanted to make video or I wanted to make videos really bad. Yeah Mitchell has like a whole he has this whole secret channel I'll link it in the description. No it doesn't exist. It's in the description. He told me one day he wants to make videos and we were like maybe you know that'd be fun that'd be cool. It was for a while that we were like we should make videos and it didn't happen for a long time. It was high school like just hanging out like we would just casually do bits and it was something we always did just like messing around well I always like played around with the idea of turning it into something. Aside from D&D we would always the alternative was to just watch YouTube videos and you know we really loved the community there and and we thought you know maybe we could do this so three to six videos in we decided we really wanted to keep doing it yeah we it really took off and we enjoyed the hell out of it.
And my dad loves it. Thank you daddy.
SketchRisk asks favorite subreddit question mark? Definitely interdimensional cable. Oh yeah they've helped us out a lot. It's just a really good and interesting subreddit it's so funny.
You know my favorite character from Rick and Morty is? Don't say Pickle Rick. It's Pickle Rick.
Oh my god. It's funny. You like a Mr. Poopy butthole? Okay. Look I'm a huge bath head. Okay? You're like a Jerry. You're like a crystal bath. Oh gosh.
Birdimus Prime asks how much is improv? The bloopers make it seem like quite a bit is but clearly some of those videos have complex scripts. They are very scripted. Yeah we're working and we all have school so things always end up down to the wire so it it's kind of a bummer when we don't have time to do improv like the goal is to make each other laugh like to catch people off guard. A great example of a video that we really wanted to do improv was Sandcastle Real Estate but all of that was written. Okay what are some good like instances of an improv line that made it into a final cut?
Oh that's a great question. Thank you Michael for asking that question.
You can't say my last name. His address is.
Probably the best instance of improv is cooking with kitchen when Hillary informs the audience his father is passed away when he says my dad died. Oh yeah we had a whole that really weird ending. Believe it or not cooking with kitchen had a full story in it and we had to cut it out because we had some issues but we can put that on the Patreon too. Yeah we're definitely putting that on the Patreon.
Stricks and Stones asks do you all have nicknames for each other? I have a nickname for Frank. Since high school I've called Frank franch. Frank has an extreme affinity for ranch dressing.
He came to school with a grocery bag no ice pack or anything two frozen pizzas in there. He squeezed out a whole packet of ranch on one of the pizzas and then he sandwiched the other pizza on top and ate it lukewarm. No. I'm unrefrigerated, unwarmed up, unheated, unadulterated.
We also call Michael tricycle sometimes. Oh we call him tricycle, bike goal, pig. We call him pig.
See Lee 64 asks what's your usual budget for a sketch video? $150. Yep that's usually where we cap it off. Some of them can be a little bit more, some are more some are less. Some are more. Sometimes we just get lucky enough that we can use all the weird baby dolls and swords that we already own. But then sometimes we have to buy like an $80 Santa costume. That's why we we started a Patreon. Sometimes it's it's definitely tough. Definitely not making money. We are hemorrhaging.
Everything we make from the Patreon goes straight into the videos right back to every dollar. If you haven't checked out our Patreon yet please do. We have the link in the description and we have all sorts of exclusive content going up there like this. We're gonna show you how we did this. If you're unable to support us on Patreon that's totally fine but please share our stuff with your friends. That is one of if not the biggest ways to support our channel and we always appreciate it. One of our biggest goals is to help bring sketch comedy back to YouTube and one of the ways we want to do that is to shout out two really cool channels. There's Problem Magic Productions and ZuQuap Studios. Their stuff is so cool. We're huge fans and yeah go check them out. Also as a thank you we want to look back on our past year all the bloopers and great memories we've had and show you guys what the stuff on our Patreon will look like.
Well I think that's it so thank you so much. Wait wait wait we have one more question. T. Aylor L. Sonaris asks it's obvious you guys are gonna blow up over the course of this year. How does it feel knowing how high the bar is set? I'd say as for blowing up I don't think we're ever gonna oh my fellow Americans it's me Barack Obama you all know me from my wife Michelle.
Sorry I'm late I was just so busy battling a dungeon in a dorm. Oh looks like the president will be spending the next thousand years in jail. No it's my house that's what I'm trying to save and why are Jehoshaphat's pants to lose Jehoshaphat.
Did you just have a stroke? Oh no he drowned. Say that again. Jacob! Action. Sorry I got so afraid.
When our parents died in a sword fight we inherited forty five million dollars. When our parents died in a sword fight we inherited. When our parents died.
If you're a real wizard how many I'm walking hairs does it take to summon a cosmic taxi? Hey hey hey I'm Santa. That's why Thomas died on the cross. What you mean Jesus? Yes. I sure am writing him a big old ticket. Okay there's Rudolph, Adolph, Gradle. Oh what's that?
Ant relax. You're gonna be sleeping on the couch. I'll be sleeping on more than a couch.
What? You'll be sleeping on Marcy. She's so big she's like a bigger than a couch. Yeah like a Davenport you know. That's my wife. Hello welcome to Dana's Quack. Dang it all that was funny. Do it again.
Yeah it's always the horn. Always the horn yeah. Always the horn never the bride.
That's so funny. Were you recording? That was the fastest objection sustained in court history. Were you recording Mitchell? Yes. 3, 2, 1 action. What's wrong? Say it like a high pitched squirrel voice. Seven planes in a row is insane.
Who else is insane? Marcy. Is she like a kooky lady? That's my wife.
Looks like the president will be serving his next term in prison.
What do you want for Christmas? Hey Mitch I'm so sorry are you gonna eat that? I want a bag.
Did you miss me? You brought so much. I'm a soldier. We got out. Wait wait you don't know what I was gonna say let me finish.
Hentai.
That's gonna be the best one. Action. I was just taking a shower. Stop it's so funny I know. It's funny how obvious it is. Get more suds for this guy. Oh it's so chilly.
Come on sorry. You know I bet there's like an accident cause a plane went down you know. You know why? Probably cause Marcy was on a plane so fast she took it down. Geez.
Is she fat? That's my wife.
Hey are you attacking that I almost said mailman. Are you attacking that mailman?
Hey Frank in the future you look handsome today. Shut up dude you're ugly. Action. It's okay little baby little sweet little innocent baby little frail tiny little just super soft so squishy little baby I hope nobody kills my baby. Don't say that.
He's dead.
Nice. Sentai.
Do you wanna sleep with my wife? Me and Marcy have been talking we think you'd be the perfect man. I'd be down. That's my wife.
Shut up shut up. I want that audio. 3, 2, 1. Action.
Oh it's your mom. Hey mom.
You're farting by the way. Oh I'm farting. You're farting.
3, 2, 1. Action. I have soccer practice tonight. Yeah yeah okay Mr. President. Shut the fuck up. 3, 2, 1 go. Get on the ground. Action. 4 hydration. Yes that's hilarious keep going. What the fuck. We got him we got him.
None of you showed up to my Pinewood Derby. I got fourth place. Well I would have got first place if you all came.
I bought so much Capri Sun. And you know what it's like to throw away gallons of Pacific Cooler? Respect the pouch.
Oscar Tay asks what are your favorite and or worst discarded video ideas? We have a entire video almost that is not. We have half a video called the cream zone out.
It's not out. We discarded the project. In the archives. It's really difficult. I don't know if you guys remember there was like a month of August we were just gone. That was just because this project kept. There's a lot of cream involved. We liked it. We wanted to finish it but it's. It was becoming hard to complete.
We're definitely releasing it on our Patreon. Easily. Yeah we're going to put it up there. Well what we have. And from the bottom of our hearts we just wanted to say thank you.
Are you texting? Are you leaving? Wow. |
SaturdayNightLive | mort_mort_feingold_gives_tax_advice_to_the_kardashians_and_other_celebs_snl | He's going for a fine gold celebrity account to a tax for the stars. that's me! ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, James Franco, I see you left occupation blank. Yeah, well, I didn't know which job to put down. filmmaker, conceptual artist, matador, sniper, cobbler's apprentice. yeah, okay, I'll put down actor. any write-offs? I had some expenses from when I hosted the Oscars. Okay, I guess I'll just tack those on to your Verizon bill. because you phoned it in!
The sweet-ass affair, higher-esque Beware,: Historic War Final, account for the stars. Welcome, Kardashians. Texas. Okay, any activity in the last fiscal Quarter? Yeah, we gave Khloe her own show. Okay, well, we can write that off as charity. here's our income statement. Okay, let's see. for letting them film you hang out and walk around on your fun little shows, you made. egg salad! $65 million? The Kardashians are in the black! usually, it's the other way around. I walked into that one. he's a real cast, Come save me some scratch. he's more and more. Final, Account for the stars.
Ricky Martin, I see you've made a lot of money on your memoir. Yes, in it, I revealed I was a gay man. And, uh, yeah, what was it called? Ricky Martin for dummies? you know, Mort Mort, A lot of people were surprised to find out I was gay.
Oh, yeah? well, here's another bombshell.: I'm Jewish! some of you trust Martin, he's got a few onions. more and more final loves, liver and onions. Welcome, Will Smith. uh, uh. you know, I love you, Mort Mort. you know, one foot tall with a two-foot brain. Whoo! So I see you put down your kids, Jaden and Willow, as your dependents. these ain't No, I'm their dependent. the Smith kids are cranking out their heads. you should get your daughter to be a pop star. Yeah, I'll try. but she looks like this. he's not a Cheeto, that's his credo. Mort Mort Fungal is friends with the veto.
Okay, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton. good evening. it's 10 a.m. We live in eternal night.
All right, well, I live in Schenectady, so. your return looks pretty good. I watch my expenses carefully. that's why I keep my eyes wide open all the time. yes, I've noticed. Do you have your receipts?
I made them into a dream spider. what am I gonna do with this? And why is Johnny Depp here? Uh, my wife, uh, got caught in Helena's hair. locks and bagels, What about your weirdos?
Mo Mo Gaddafi. Hello, Mort Mart. Get out of my office! you're a ruthless dictator. you murdered your own people, and you're an anti-semite. I have an immense oil fortune.
I can give you a commission of ten percent. No! I don't want your filthy blood money. Eleven percent. Now think about it. |
cracked | you_re_pooping_wrong_jack_o_brien_s_fact_from_the_de_textbook | Oh, hello the internet. My name is Jack O'Brien. I am the editor-in-chief of crack.com and this book, the d-textbook, thus named because it goes back and kind of systematically debunks all the little myths and pieces of horse s*** that you learned from regular textbooks when you were growing up in elementary, middle, high school. For instance, I'm just going to open randomly to a page you're pooping wrong. Did you know that? This is how you poop, presumably. Seated about waist or knee-high. You're supposed to be squatted like a catcher. Just one of the many poop-related facts you will learn in the d-textbook.
Einstein was a total pimp. P-I-M-P. He, yeah, just, I mean, which makes sense, right? He was the rock star of the world at that time. He had just helped the good guys win World War II. And he cashed in with some ladies, put the ass in astrophysics, as we say in the book. I just stole that joke from one of our writers.
And you should go out and buy it at Amazon or Barnes & Noble or wherever. People still sell books. I promise there are still places that sell books, so go get it.
The d-textbook by Cracked. Just Cracked. Not .com. Just Cracked. |
SaturdayNightLive | will_s_final_show_saturday_night_live | This was Will Ferrell's final show. I worked with Will for six years and it was more fun than anything I've ever done or probably ever do. he brought joy to everyone and everything he did. I'm going to miss him. It was hard for me to work with Will because every time I was in a sketch with him he made me laugh. I probably ruined a lot of sketches, but I don't care. I got to be on stage with Will Ferrell. performing can be scary, especially in front of a live audience. it's a lot easier when you have a friend out there with you. Will Ferrell was our friend and we'll miss him. I loved Will Ferrell, plain and simple. I came into this place with him and I loved being on stage with him. I've never worked with a more talented and kinder human being ever. he's the best. there will never be another Will Ferrell. there will be a lot of invitations, but anyone who was around him who was lucky enough to work with him, we know they broke the mold with that guy. True story. this show fired me. then they rehired me. first time that ever happened. Will Ferrell made that happen.
How can I ever repay that?
He was more than a great performer. he was my friend. I loved watching Will in a bad sketch, one that didn't get any laughs because he never gave up. he's the most fearless performer I've ever seen. Will's like a brother to me. I love him. I really do. And not just because I work with him on this show every week and we made him move it together. those are the things I'll cherish the rest of my life. but because he's nice, he's funny, and he's my friend.
I got a story. I got an interesting story. about the time Will Ferrell stole my walkman out my dressing room.
He doesn't know. I know, but I know.
I know a lot of stuff about Will Ferrell. like the fact that he's a cold, thieving, selfish, evil dude. And don't be thick. and he saved, helped save Chris Barnell's job. Because everybody around here know he actually got Barnell fired to try to get his brother Patty Ferrell on the show. he smiles right at your face and then two kids seconds later, he go and talk behind your back to Lauren Michaels. Here's something. he gave a cigarette to my kid, my boy, my eight-year-old boy.
That ain't right. Will is messed up in the head. he's cheating on his wife. he's always looking to get his freak on. he's sick. And I tell you something else. this may come a little shock to you, but Will Ferrell hates black. The black man. he always has. from the moment I walked in his place, he's been eyeing me like I'm suspicious or something. I know it. he's not comfortable with black people. that's because he's a racist.
Will Ferrell is headed for a huge fork. Hey, you'll see. the backlash is coming, baby. it's coming. people are going to find out. Will Ferrell is a loser.
Hey, Tracy. Tracy. hey, Will. what was that all about? Ain't nothing, baby. everybody's just out here telling stories and stuff, you know.
You mad at me about something? I just don't want you to go, bro. you know what? I did steal your walk, man. I knew it. And I do hate black people. Hey, no, hey. you know me. no need to explain.
How about after the show, we skip the party and go straight on to the strip club. Larry and Chuckie and them is up there waiting on us. I like the way you think. for black man? for my friend. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_chatgpt_4_enthusiast | If you don't know these AI tools, you're going to go out of business soon. I haven't used any of them. Chat GPT-4 Is this mic working? Yes. AI will take over. The future is now. The world has changed forever. Is the name of another Medium article I'm writing? Everything I normally outsource to Fiverr, I now outsource to Chat GPT-4. But I'm skeptical of Chat GPT-4. It replaces the coding. But it doesn't replace the hassle. Here are 10 business ideas to become a millionaire. I haven't realized any of them. Did you know you can use Chat GPT-4 as a search engine?
Who could possibly imagine? What else Chat GPT-4 could do? All I do all day is tweet about Chat GPT-4.
Yeah, now I already have 49,000 followers on Twitter. Now it's my responsibility to tell people AGI is coming. Quit your job now.
I also created a full movie written by Chat GPT-4. I don't know, the script sounded very generic. I didn't read it. My whole NFT newsletter is written by Chat GPT-4.
People are complaining that the responses sound like a bot. Because they come from a bot. So that's a compliment.
Elon Musk is skeptical of AI? What does Elon know about OpenAI? What does Elon know? Elon paused the AI development?
Why? People are already skipping time-consuming tests and waiving exams.
Especially because they're gonna open their models. After all, it's called OpenAI. So the company keeps it closed-source.
So what? They're a non-profit. For profit? For humanity? Yes.
Yeah, but Microsoft is GitHub. GitHub is open-source. Open-source is good. Microsoft is good. GitHub co-pilots make deep code in a journey.
One way or another. Deep learning. Deep unlearning. Left 3, left 4.
Chat GPT-4. I'm not here to sell you onto new AI technologies. I am here to sell you onto new AI technologies. AGI will thank me. This is my Fiverr profile. It's really just a Chat GPT-4 bot with an image generated by mid-journey. Who could possibly imagine what Chat GPT-5 will be able to do?
Fix iPhones? Do surgery? Control AWS spending?
Cancel people on Twitter? I don't know. I will probably have to delete all my Chat GPT-4 tweets. And then I will have to see what Chat GPT-5 has to offer. And then I will probably have to tweet about Chat GPT-5.
But that's the life I chose. And this entire script was written by Chat GPT-4. How cool is that?
And I'm not even real. I'm just kidding. Of course I'm real.
How else would I get that blue checkmark on Twitter? My advice? That new technology you're learning right now? Stop it. It will be gone tomorrow. When you first understand AGI. And again, I don't know what that means. Then you realize the impact it will have.
Who could possibly imagine Kyle and his legal advice? Hello? I have found no specific laws in California that prohibit whistling for a lost cannery before 7am. Again, sir. This is not legal advice. However, am I a human? I am Kylented. Hello? I'm not gonna be one of those people who just do another Kanye AI song. |
TheOnion | Weather_Channel_Accused_of_Pro_Weather_Bias | You're one of the 80 million Americans that gets their news from cable. This next story may shock you. The watchdog group Fairness in Media released a report this week accusing the Weather Channel of having a, quote, clear and pronounced pro-weather bias.
Joining us now live is the director of the study, Debra Henley. Hello, Michael. Debra, good to have you with us.
Your report condemns the Weather Channel for what you call one-sided reporting. How do you back up that claim? After watching hundreds of hours of programming, we concluded the Weather Channel clearly and consistently overreports weather-related events at the expense of other topics. There are, on average, 4,000 mentions of weather in a single news day.
4,000? Yep. That's an amazing statistic. Now, are other viewpoints represented at all? Barely.
I mean, you'd think that absolutely nothing was going on in the I-20 corridor, other than light showers and isolated T-storms. And even more insidious, they try to make their programming look varied by covering things like flight delays and vacation destinations, but they always manage to bring it back to weather.
Well, let's see what you're talking about. Here's a clip from the Weather Channel. Great. Okay. Look at this clip.
We are going to dazzle, everybody. It's the Holla Dazzle Parade going on in Minneapolis.
This is at Nicolette Mall. And, of course, this location, typically quite cold.
Do you see this? It does seem fairly blatant. Yes. I mean, if you look closely, you'll see their news ticker is little more than the temperatures of various cities running 24 hours a day. I have noticed that. Do you see this background images to subtly influence your beliefs about weather? So it's a problem not only with the stories themselves. Exactly, Michael. And they use flashy graphics and smooth jazz to distract viewers from the unrelenting pro-weather agenda that they're constantly pushing. That's unbelievable. What's behind it all, though? Well, what we've discovered in our research is that there's an ancient cabal of powerful weather fanatics operating outside any government, sometimes called the cloud elders, sometimes called the nightstoppler, pulling the strings not just of the Weather Channel, but of the umbrella industry, the sunscreen industry.
We have to fight back. Deborah Henley of Fairness in Media, thank you and good luck with getting your message heard. Thanks, Michael. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Fifty_Shades_Of_Grey | Let's just be on this door. What is? My playroom. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at Fifty Shades of Grey, the hotly anticipated film adaptation of E.L. James' erotic romance novel, and a watershed cinematic event where, for the very first time, audiences get to see a big-budget Hollywood movie show the kind of sex that regular, everyday Americans enjoy behind closed doors, with all the whipping bondage harnesses and pain play that ordinary people can relate to. The film follows Anastasia Steele, played by Dakota Johnson, a shy college senior who falls in love with a mysterious billionaire, and through his instruction in the Red Room of Pain, finds release in the world of bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. It's an erotic coming-of-age story that's familiar to all of us from our own lives, and that honestly depicts realistic sex in the place where it actually happens, strapped into a harness in a sex chamber, not in some bed. One of the film's more remarkable scenes features Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, presenting his submissive with a contract outlining the terms of her bondage. Who doesn't remember going over the fine print of their first contract, negotiating the hard and soft limits, indicating on a scale of one to five how well they can endure pain, or whether they'd be open to bladder control torture? And just think about how many times you've watched a couple in a movie kissing and then boom, they're in bed, gyrating under some sheet. Everyone knows the rituals leading up to intercourse can take hours. You painstakingly hog-tie your slave and suspend them from a hook and adjust their iron masks so that the slits align perfectly with their lips. And yet, over and over, we're forced to watch some fraudulent pantomime of sex that looks nothing like the kind of intimacy that's shared between partners in real life. With regard to the most flagrant of fake movie sex cliches, the simultaneous orgasm, Fifty Shades is especially satisfying. Finally, we see a master instructing his slave not to orgasm until she is granted permission. How many times have you suspended your disbelief during a sex scene where the couple climaxes together? Take one of Hollywood's most iconic sex scenes, Jack and Rose in the car in Titanic. She went along with it, knowing full well that in real life, Jack would have attached nipple clamps to Rose, left her in the car for a couple of hours, then returned in a mask and instructed her not to come until he had used her as he pleased. With E.L. James' barrier-breaking script, you can enjoy a Hollywood blockbuster without reading between the lines, and frankly, it's a relief. Now, are the refreshingly relatable sex scenes occasionally whitewashed?
Sure. Take Mr. Grey's luxury sex dungeon. Does everyone have a designated room in their home outfitted with bondage furniture? Yes, but they sure aren't always as fancy as Mr. Grey's.
Customized leather whipping benches and a polished mahogany St. Andrews cross are certainly fun to look at, but for the majority of Americans who use socks, electrical cables, and plain old rope as restraints, the red room of pain is the stuff of fantasy. As are the actors' fresh-faced appearances following the intense bondage scenes. You cry and bleed during sex. Where are the blood stains? Where's the hot wax caked onto your buttocks and thighs?
But light glamorizing aside, Fifty Shades of Grey still blows other Hollywood films out of the water for its faithful depiction of what really happens between consenting adults. When the lights are off, the genital clamps are on, the ball gag is in, and the straight jacket is good and snug. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
CrackerMilk | hooking_up_with_an_astrology_girl | What's your star sign? Wait, let me guess, I'm really good at guessing. So, you're sitting kind of in a feminine way and you're medium, ugly, hot, coupled with the fact that you still live with your parents and your hair is awful. It's giving Gemini. Am I right? No, I'm a Leo. Leo! Oh my God, that was gonna be my next guess.
Thank God you're not a Scorpio. I've never met a Scorpio that I liked. They're all absolute pieces of narcissistic shit. Do you know what? I think Hitler was a Scorpio. You hate everyone born between October and November?
Yes, my crystals told me to. Crystals? Yeah, these are my crystals.
They're really beautiful. Got them from the shaman that works at the barter markets and I charged them based on my moon cycle. How much did you pay for those? Like 7,500. But I got a steal, trust me. These are really special.
They look like rocks. Yeah, the crystals are telling me you're a piece of shit and they don't like you.
I think I need to sage the room. Give this fire a spirit to Santibet and the kitchen bar close to the kitchen. The sage is not enough. I think we need some incest. And hippy Wolverine. My body used to smell like shit. I need stronger incest.
Thanks for watching our video. We know that you enjoyed it because they're always getting fucking stolen. Wow, look at all of those millions of views that we didn't get because it was stolen. If you wanna help support us, please consider donating to our Patreon. That way, when those little ratty rat rats steal our videos, we can afford to make more. |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_El_Nino_or_La_Llorona | Hi, I still don't know what I'm about to say because I'm a big stupid idiot.
You can go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today. For every episode of Breaking News that's here, there's another episode only available on dropout.tv.
Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien, which is Irish for Grant of Brian.
From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
The show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm a cat, but you can call me potato for short. And I'm...
Ugh. The second. Coming up tonight, researchers ask, could not getting enough sleep be making you Italian? And a new study predicts that TikTok will get old fast. But first, rub-a-dub-dub, is that a turd in my tub?
Today, Grace, the lady soap company, is under fire for releasing a new campaign calling all women nasty little goblins. Yes, this morning, their social media accounts posted a picture of a goblin and then tweeted the words, all women are this. According to Grace, the message was meant to be empowering and encourage women to embrace, quote, their tiny little goblin toes and a huge honking goblin. This is especially concerning for body positivity advocates as well as parents like myself. To my daughter, if you are watching, you are not a goblin, big or small. You are a beautiful scaly lizard and that is enough. The company has yet to apologize for the post adding that all women are goblins and all goblins are beautiful.
Thank you. That wasn't fake. It's...
I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to interrupt you. We're getting some breaking news from the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
We go live to our man in the street, Claustrophobic Nick. What are you seeing, Claustro?
W-E-I-N-N-E-R. Is that how you spell winner? Only the new Scripps National Spelling Bee champion would know. Today, an eight-year-old won the annual competition after successfully spelling the word.
What was the word, Claustro? Defined as the of the backside.
Oh, that's a tough one. How do you even spell that? Well, throughout the competition, contestants repeatedly spelled it incorrectly. Some spelled it B-U-T-T. Some spelled it P-O-O-H-O-L-E. But the correct spelling was, in fact, A-N-U-S.
Wow. Wow is right.
Plus, just before that, the boy genius also correctly spelled the words Val Kilmer, a mystery word that only pigs know and the entire first page of the Bible. How did he do it? I have no idea because I'm illiterate.
Thank you, Claustro. In other news, the oldest woman in the world was born today at 800 pounds and six ounces. Plus, for the first time in over a century, an iguana has won the biggest goat contest.
And more on anything but that, we turn to big pants on the weather. Over to you, big pants.
Thanks, Potato. Actually, I wanna start off by making some corrections to yesterday's weather report. Firstly, I wanted to apologize for ending the night by screaming, dig your grave now because Lady Earth is hungry. I also should clarify that I did indeed repeatedly mix up the terms El Nino and La Lorna, which is to say there will be no rain.
But a terrifying female ghost will be terrorizing us for the next few days. Very informative, big pants. I'll get my gun.
Also, I'd like to thank everyone who sent in submissions to name our next hurricane. Finalists include Hurricane Skypiss, Hurricane Ansel, Hurricane Bigpiss, and Hurricane Lance.
Okay. And finally, if you have allergies, you should definitely stay inside because there is a pack of wild dogs on the loose. Oof. Well, that's all the time we have. Tune in tomorrow for a special edition on outer space. We ask, a-woo! Oh. Oh!
Did those dogs the Soviets shot into space back in 1957 get hot? And Houston, we have a problematic. Why the Mars rover will not stop begging NASA for more beef. Before we go, we should announce that this week's loser is...
Teo! Oh, come on. Are we sure? Thank you for watching. Why is Katie saying that? Yeah, where did she come from? Oh! And now for the weather.
If you're a fan of breaking news, the forecast is bright and sunny because there are 10 episodes of breaking news that will only be available on dropout.tv. Go to dropout.tv today and don't forget your sunscreen. |
ClickHole | what_this_adorable_little_girl_says_will_melt_your_heart | Hi, my name is Jessica. I'm eight years old. I'm from Sarasota, Florida, and I'm nothing more than a ploy to get you to watch an internet video. I know you clicked on this video because you're bored and very easily distracted from the things you actually need to get done today. I mean, who can blame you? That's exactly what this video is preying on.
The fact is, the people who posted this video would stop at nothing to get you to click on this link, so it would increase the website's page views and make the advertisers happy. Let's look at the big picture for a second. If even 100 people share this video on Facebook, the website is automatically guaranteed thousands of more page views, which in turn means thousands of more dollars in ad revenue. Why would anyone spend time writing up an 800-word article when they could just put up a video of a cute little girl or make a slideshow of the 10 cutest Huddie Badger couples? By the way, every time you click through a full slideshow, those are each separate page views. Do you have any idea how many page views a single slideshow gets?
Let me tell you, it's a ton. Oh, right! You want me to say something adorable because, well, you're lonely, and you really just need something to fill the emptiness you're feeling deep down inside. Just remember, no matter how many videos you watch or how many lists you read, you're still gonna feel all alone. I guess that's just the way it is. There. Hopefully that's cute enough to satisfy the all-consuming vacuum of your soul for a little while. Bye bye! |
dropout | irl_files_a_text_in_the_night | I was on my way home from the bar, a typical boring night out after leaving my crummy dead-end job. When I got a text from my buddy saying, you got beer? I got girls, a short text long on possibilities. I responded with a simple yes, drove quickly to the nearest convenience store and bought everything I could afford, a warm 24-pack and a big bottle of cheap vodka. I arrived home, generously Febreze the place and then hit all the gross that was lying around. Shortly after, there was a knock on the door and my buddy strolls in with a group of girls from out of town, one of whom was done up like a grade A moron.
Bingo, I thought, that's a lorette party. My wise friend had ensured these ladies that we had professional entertainment at our place and it would be a night they would never forget. Turns out the professional entertainment he was talking about was us. My now not so wise friend produced two thongs from his pocket and said if we wanted a shot with any of the girls, we'd have to dance.
Is it going to be dignity? Dames, tough choice, but I knew only one of those will scramble your eggs in the morning.
My friend and I ended up stripping down to those poorly-fitting thongs and literally danced the night away, grinding and grooving to the feral cheers of those marriage-jealous moths. I was moving like I'd never moved before, jumping, gyrating and jiggling like a jellyfish but I didn't care. The next morning it was all just a blurry sweat-stained memory from my buddy and I. The good news is they tipped us $300. The bad news? Last day my buddy received a friend request along with a message saying the girls had loved the impromptu Bachelorette party and couldn't have imagined a better night. I went on to find 250 pictures tagged of us stripping and dancing the night away. Funny thing, then the job offer started coming in. Turns out there was a lot more upcoming Bachelorette parties, dancers with dignity, need not apply. I could tell you I didn't take them up on those offers, but I'd be lying. As a fellow goes thong, he starts craving the wrong. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jimmy_fallon_on_valentine_s_day_snl | And now here with some thoughts on Valentine's Day is Jimmy Fallon. Thanks a lot, Colin. You know, last time I was here, I did some Halloween carols, and I got a lot of candy. So I figured, since Valentine's Day is around the corner, why not make Valentine's Day versions of some of my favorite songs and sing them? you know, I'll do something like, uh. it's almost the 14th of February.
So try and guess why I'm so depressed. Wish you would send that Valentine, my friend. you should see the junk mail and all the bills that I've been getting in. And if I get one more thing from Ed Mcmahon, I'll kill my mail, man.
Yeah. Now, you said, you get a lot of candy when you sang the Halloween Carols. what do you want from these songs, Valentine's? Valentine's, Candy, maybe a little lovin'. everyone needs a little love, Colin, you know? she says she likes hard candy. I said, yeah, who doesn't? she likes a little candy. it's her favorite ones with the hearts and all the words. And I'm like, hug me, kiss me, and miss you, cutie pie. And I said, if I get those things, then maybe tonight, you'll be mine. She said, you're a complete idiot. because it's almost midnight on Valentine's Day, and I haven't gotten one damn candy.
I said, took her hand, brushed back her hair. I sang to her.
I said, i know a place it's open up all night. Valentine, Valentine, Valentine. you know, you can just, it's easy. you can just call people up on the phone, you know? it's 3 o'clock in the morning, a wasted Valentine's night, right? My ex-girlfriend's getting a phone call tonight. I got tequila in me. don't hang up, it's your ex-boyfriend, Jimmy. I am drunk at 6 Long Island, I sneeze. I love you, won't you come back to me, please? don't be surprised. if someone throws a pebble at your upstairs bedroom window and serenades you with this.
I got myself a Whitman Sampler chocolate that comes with a diagram that describes everyone. And it's sealed in a heart-shaped box. And it's sealed. And it's sealed in a safe, fresh bag.
Will you be my Valentine?
Jimmy Fallon, Everybody. Jimmy Fallon. I'm Colin Quinn. that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. |
dropout | What_Everyone_s_Actually_Thinking_at_Thanksgiving | I can't wait to dig in. I was thinking before we start, I was hoping that we could all go around the table and say what we're thankful for this Thanksgiving. How fun!
Ugh. Family! Just say family. Family.
Great idea. Thank you, David. Would you like to start? Crap, crap, crap. Why didn't he start? My pleasure. Oh, now I'm second?
I love Thanksgiving! This year I'm thankful for my friends and my supportive girlfriend, Lily, who I love.
Really? Guess we aren't breaking up after the holidays. All the opportunities that I've had to travel and do work that I'm really passionate about. Oh, and this great bounty of food in front of us. That shit took all of them. Wow. Lot to be grateful for. Family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family. Oh! And how could I forget? I'm thankful for my family.
fuck you, David! I'll rip your d*** off and I'll feed it to birds!
This is going so well. My year sucked. Great. Uh, Lily? Okay, you know what?
I'll say my health. Health. Health, health, health, health, health. I am grateful for this community that we've formed together and my health, both mental and physical.
Pulled that out of my a**. I'll punch you! I'll sucker punch you right in the a** in the eyeballs! Wait.
And my wonderful boyfriend, David, who I love so much. I hope that didn't make him feel bad. That made me feel very bad.
As you all know, this was a very difficult year for me. Marcus dumped me. I had to move back in with my parents.
And my guinea pig, Buttercup, committed suicide by jumping out the window. Crap. Why did I bring up Buttercup?
Okay, I can still turn the ship around. I got this. On the upside, the swelling in my right testicle has gone down. Well, not gone down, but it's not getting any worse. Stop talking about your testicles.
So, I guess I'd have to say this Thanksgiving that I'm thankful that my mother is a urologist. And so she can give me free medical assessments. I'm so sorry to hear about Buttercup.
Anything I say will sound good after this idiot. Well hey, you'll get him next year, Grant, huh? Uh, Adam?
This year, I am so thankful for all of you. I don't know where I'd be without my friends. And, uh, I love you guys.
Awwww. Corny shit. This night's the best. Ryan? Hm? What are you thankful for? Oh. Um. Oh, damn.
I forgot I had to go. Have to follow that hogwash? fuck this shit?
Making people list some shit just to say what they're thankful? I don't care what anyone here is thankful for.
Ryan?
The bus! Did he say the bus?
Wow. I feel like we all tried a little harder than that. Yeah. Stick it in, everybody. Yeah. Give me those beanies. Yes. There you go.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers.
Five. Five times one. |
dropout | Wow_This_Office_Needs_More_Flirting | So, what did you want to meet about today, Ms. Marovitch? Well, I unfortunately came to report my co-workers. Specifically, the men. Or should I say, the boys. Ugh, not again! I've invited Raphael to join on behalf of the boys, as they all have the same stupid little mind, and he's their leader. Their leader.
What? Really? Yes, of course. Um, please continue, Katie.
You see, I've recently plaited my trough and subsequently walked the flower aisle to my most beloved. Congratulations. And this has totally transformed my work relationships with these boys of mine.
In what way? Well, it's gotten a lot less sexy, I'm telling you that. Excuse me? It was never sexy, trust me. It was gross. These boys have been ignoring me left and right, and something must be done about it. And that's why I came to you, alright? Girls to girls. We understand, right?
She does this all the time. We all hate her.
Let me lay it down for your doctor. She's not a therapist. Are you a doctor? I'm absolutely not a doctor.
I am an alpha woman. Don't fall for that. And as such, I have certain needs, okay? And one of those needs is to be flirted with regularly at work. It's a workplace.
That's absolutely not allowed. She won't listen.
It's like talking to a brick wall. Alright, what's going on? Follow my finger. Can you guys- I am following it. Can we get back to- Now that I am a married woman, these boys view me as just a prune-faced old hen, not worth her weight in gold. This is an insane thing to come to HR about. I mean, I'm kind of shocked you thought this was- I know exactly what you're about to say. Katie Marovitch? My oh my, a little married woman. Well, she has someone to flirt with until the day she dies. Yeah, that's absolutely not what I was going to say. Here's the weather report. There is trouble in paradise. What?
I've grown very bored of my husband and, quite frankly, I long for the days of my youth. You know, I miss the flirts my boys would thrust upon me.
Ew, what does that even mean? By the way, she's only been married for four months. I wasn't always into their flirts, you know. That's false! She was the only one who wanted to flirt.
The little poems they'd write for me. Oh, God. The drawings they'd draw for me. The flowers they'd brood for me. The songs they'd sing for me. Ka ka ka Katie, beautiful Katie. The signs they'd post for me. And the leaves they'd burn for me.
Those were the days. I did not long for them, but now I do. Truly, none of that happened. Okay, enough.
You are violating so many company policies and workplace laws right now. You are officially fired, effective immediately.
Finally! No, don't look me up! That's weird. The company has no record of you ever working here. I can't find your name. I just checked the Social Security Administration's database of all people. Wait!
You're hiding something, Katie Marovitch, and I'm going to find out what. Here's a flirt I've been looking for. Hi, it's me, child actor Katie Marovitch.
If you like College Humor and you want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a pack of animal stickers per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live on the Dropout Discord. And exclusive content such as full episodes of my big girl show, The Rank Room.
Invisible identical to it. What's your question? How do you know they're identical? If they're invisible.
Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done. I want my mommy now. Okay, bye. |
dropout | game_night_gets_out_of_hand | Your turn Brady snort like a pig when you laugh You next Dustin I can't wait to see what you get it will probably be snort like a pig when he laughs Already got that one What's it say Dustin quack like a duck and tie a tie around your head sing a rap song Well, what's it say? I don't know. Why don't we play another game? What's the car say Dustin?
You have to obey the card.
I'm getting tired. I think I'm gonna go home Oh, come on Dustin.
What are you scared of a tiny little car? You're not going anywhere. What's that? Oh my god.
It's a taser Dustin you idiot Haven't you ever seen a taser in a movie before Dustin watch a taser movie Dustin obey the card Dustin Why doesn't anyone just relax just obey the card Dustin. So what's it gonna take Dustin? Is he gonna take us barking? like ducks Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack Gonna do it's on that card You're gonna take a one It says snort like a pig every time you laugh That's the one Brady got Nick what does your card say? |
SaturdayNightLive | bowling_pins_snl | This is such a good first date idea. I have to warn you. I won the silver medal on the middle school bowling team. Hmm, you're just full of surprises, aren't you? Oh, looks like I'm up first.
All right, let's see what you got. not bad. Oh, hey, look. they got one of those fun animations. six. aw, so cute. four more to go. you did it. hey, look, look, look. yeah. spare. not bad, not bad. now it's the pro's turn. Okay. are those two pins supposed to be that far apart? Ah, ha, ha. very funny. wait, let's watch the video. Johnny, your father has something he wants to tell you. what's wrong, guys? Son, your mother and I are getting a divorce. split. that one was a little serious. All right, let's see if I can pick this up. they're gonna let you have it with this one. Emma, what are these? those aren't my cigarettes, dad. you little liar! Now you need to straighten up and fly, right, because I don't want to find you one day with a needle in your arm slumped over, living in the goddamn gutter. What the hell was that? I know. a needle in her arm? a pretty girl like that would shoot between her toes. that's a fun fact. my turn.
Woo! Strike! And of course, it's a baseball one. Stop it, please! you brought this upon yourself. Yeah, maybe next time you'll support your union, brothers, when we go on. Strike!
So cute. you be plain. I'll just sit back and enjoy that view. Okay. you say so. thank you for coming here today on short notice. my name is Joan Pascale.
I'm a criminal investigator with the Fbi. last night, we found the body of a young woman in Musgrove Park. From the satanic totems at the crime scene and the nature of the ritualistic killing, we feel confident that this is the work of the Grovedale killer, which brings the number of total victims so far to nine.
These videos are driving me crazy. due to the child injury that left your husband with an impacted testicle, it's very unlikely you'll ever have children. But I want a baby. we can't, honey, because of my. stuck ball! And play your cards right, and you might get one of those tonight. a stuck ball? Looks like they gave me an extra roll. let's just finish the game already. Great. that puts me over 100. let's get out of here. No, no, no. wait.
I want to watch. bad news, kiddo. we have a flat tire. there's no way we can make it to Disney World. it's Spare Tire. Just say Spare Tire. shh. don't ruin it. if only there was some way we could fix this tire. Spare Tire. just say it so we can leave. damn it. Spare. I'll just look in the trunk where I always keep a road map so I can tell the Triple-a guys how to get here. Just say spare Tire, you stupid pin. Well, here comes the tow truck.
Whoops. step back a little, Timmy. you have your.foot on the line. no points. sorry, babe. you know what? forget about bowling. how about we go back to my place and just have. half sex. Oh, wow. it changed my mind. this bowling alley's awesome. thanks for watching. |
cracked | the_truth_about_living_in_earthquake_country | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one goal Make as many stupid sketches as you can. This is one of those Hi there. You must be the earthquake inspector. We've heard so much white Earthquakes are just avalanches on the ground Come in, but we just bought the place and we want to make sure it's Safe and everything what with all the drivers happening came to the right guy earthquake Betty killed my parents 15 years ago I've been proofing ever since and this place is a steaming pile of quake hole waiting to happen this is a Ground floor isn't it? Yeah, is that a problem? Well, you built your home directly adjacent to the earth, right, you know earth is part of the word earthquake, right? I knew we should have the catamaran First things first, you're gonna want to chain this huge wooden face down in the case of a quake This thing will come toppling over And burst you like a human water balloon guts What kind of stone is this oh that is sandstone I believe oh more like dead stone I believe Okay, you're gonna want to cone off this entire area. You know, I should have pressed that inspector.
It's holding in on you until Stabbed in the dick hole. Oh inside our tip Eat with your hands.
What kind of stove is this?
Yep, just as I thought getting a quake this thing will literally disintegrate. I'm talking fireballs shrapnel Multiple points of entry. Oh, okay. You guys have a second floor. Yes. Should we hide there? Yeah, if you like skyquakes And that's just simulating a 3.5, okay a four or above this whole place will be underwater Lava water.
Oh my god. I had no idea. You are really opening up our eyes.
Do two have kids Yes, too. Why as soon as they get home, you're gonna want to cocune them. Okay, we're talking wrapped Swaddled bundled but tighter a duct taped inside of a sturdy door frame or under the chandelier somewhere where they can swing like a pendulum And I don't want to be a jerk but heads inside the bundle, please.
Okay. Yeah, no problem.
Do you have a dog? Yes, this one. Yes, I see it now dogs are a huge hazard in a quake something You might not know about dog physiology is that when dogs get scared pressure builds up in the system Okay, as soon as that shaking starts that dog is gonna go off like a landmine We're talking guts going everywhere stomach acid on your face, right teeth flying around like machine-gun bullets in your eyes Cheddar yeah, you're gonna want to put them to sleep tonight.
I mean at the latest tomorrow morning. When's your trash day? Sure, sure, sure Okay, that should do it. All right, I'll give you a full report in a day or two Okay.
Oh, well, what do we actually do in an earthquake? I'll give you guys the same advice I give everyone Okay, you want to lay out flat on the ground the more you spread out your surface area the less impact when you get crushed Also, you want to get a couple parachutes in case the ground opens up. You can parachute to safety smart.
Okay. Thank you We owe you our lives. Yeah, you do Earthquake I have the patience you starfish on the ground Betty so we meet again you bitch. Oh My dear call Hey guys, thanks for watching the video you presumably watched unless you just skipped the end watch the end plates like I do Cuz I really just super love the end plate So if you're like me and you just watch the end plates, welcome to yet another amazing cracked YouTube Please subscribe to our channel end plate. All right, it seems like we're coming to the end of the end plate But I hope you enjoyed this episode of cracked end plates The Republic is safe. I'm so high you |
cracked | psychic_kids_see_dead_people_viewers_see_crap_tv | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off A&E's new spooky show, Psychic Kids. Freddie is a little boy that Faith talks to almost on a daily basis. She says he's a ghost.
Like what wakes you up? Wait, no one else in the rest of the house can hear the light little tap on the window in your room? You're freaking me out.
Lisa conducted some research. It's a census from the year 1880. We found Freddie. She lived in a town called Paxton within an hour of your home. Alright Psychic Kids, I'm convinced. After all, you did find someone named Freddie who lived within 60 miles of the house sometime within the last 140 years.
I'm Morgan and I can heal people. There's all my crystals and my rocks. I used you to like energize me right at the top of your head. It was a little messed up like you've been having headaches lately or a little sore. I recently had surgery on my head because I had a growth which was benign.
Linda, is that something that you might like Morgan to help you with? But it was benign and she already had it removed. So what does she need help with? The healing of a few stitches? She needs a band-aid, not spooky McSpace rocks with the pink shoes.
My name is Chip Coffey, I'm a psychic in a medium. That's the heart and soul of the show, host Chip Coffey, and he believes freaky children are the future. With regard to the kids, the connectedness that I can feel with these kids is very valid because I grew up with those abilities. I have vivid memories of what it was like to be an adolescent boy and be faced with things that I didn't begin to understand.
Are you sure you're talking about being psychic? Being treated differently than everybody else? Having strange adolescent feelings you don't understand? Maybe you're... Well, let's do it this way. Do you think any of these following men are psychic? These children need, they need an advocate, they need a mentor, they need support, understanding, guidance. Well, if that's the case, she would never want to exploit these children like they were a bunch of horror movie freaks, right? Why are you here?
There's more than one here. I see walking dead souls. They're everywhere!
Although of exploiting kids as paranormal gets ratings... Welcome to our Psychic Kids edition. Joining me again is my next door neighbor's kid, Johnny.
Now, Johnny, I understand from your mommy that sometimes when you're trying to sleep you hear strange voices. Yeah, it's a man's voice talking to my mom but it's not my dad. What does he say?
Come on baby, don't be like that, I'm a big internet celebrity. Yeah, that's probably a ghost. But why does he come only when I'm sleeping and leave the house smelling of booze? Because Johnny, sometimes being a ghost can be very, very lonely.
Maybe we'll have better luck with your sister Molly. Hi Molly. Hi.
I have here your special healing rock. Do you think you could look at your brother Johnny and diagnose an injury? No. You don't see any sort of ailment? Johnny, have you ever looked at a healing rock up close? Oh, my eye! How about now Molly, do you notice any sort of injury?
Yeah. Amazing. Okay Johnny, run along and let your sister heal you. Alright, there you go. That's hate by numbers and that's all. Oh, and say hi to your mom for me. For now. |
cracked | the_origins_of_the_snorg_tees_ads_agents_of_cracked_episode_4 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Crackederion collection of Agents of Cracked season 1 presented for the first time in such high definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season. Even the ones he's not in. So look forward to that. And hey, stay tuned at the end for some little anecdotes, some little behind the scenes stories. We'll get to know each other a little bit.
Alright boys, brand development. What do you got? Well, sir, I've given it a lot of thought. And I think with some well-timed cross-promotions and some popular film- Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, ladies and gentlemen. We're both gentlemen. Did you want to go first?
What's the one thing our site lacks? The one thing that all our users want but we don't deliver.
Michael, I already told you computers don't have mounds. It's not technology.
Drum roll please. And cymbals.
Lady and Chief, I propose that we buy, bear with me, a boat. And that we keep bearing with me, crash it. Are we still bearing with you? Do you need to be? Hello? A boat? And we crash it? Crashed.com?
Sir, I apologize. I really should have reviewed his proposal beforehand. Look, I've got an alligator to debone for lunch.
Bottom line me here. Well, sir, for my part, I need a little bit of seed money just to get the ball rolling. I'd like to put together a small team who could focus on producing video content related to upcoming films. Branded banners, splashes, that sort of thing. I would need as much as one boat cost. Also, if we could get it before the President's speech next week at the pier, I have a great idea for how we can maximize our PR blast radius.
Fine. Good.
To the PR plan or the assassination plot? We'll need sponsors to get the money. Take my phone book, set up a meeting with some likely candidates, and sell them some ad space. And make sure to tell them it's the Chief calling.
Think you can handle that? Can't do, sir. Did you want me to leave this stuff here? Sure. Leave the boat, too. Really? You like the boat? I kinda like the boat. Now get the hell out of here before I get bored and make you kiss each other. Yes. Okay.
Thank you very much, Mr. Pepsi. I will tell him that. Wow. That is amazing. They all tried to put me on hold, but as soon as I mentioned the Chief, I had patched her right through to the head of the company.
The Doritos guy was crying. Rupert Murdoch had a seizure. It was awful. What did you do?
I called Steve Buscemi, but his agent picked up. I was really threatening, though, so maybe he'll show. The Chief has Steve Buscemi's number. Dude, he's got everyone.
Check it. Garfield. That doesn't make any sense. Maybe he means the President, Garfield. Did you call it? Texted, Garfield can't talk. Because of the Thoppeloo's. No, because he died in 1881, retard. And you texted him? Yeah. Told him to bring out he. Which Garfield are we talking about? Garfield. Lasagna. Republican. Six-month term. Hated Mondays. Garfield.
This is incredible. He's got Kelly Wheeler in here. Is that the nurse or the kitten? It was the first girl I ever had sex with.
We were the fighting hogs. The fighting hogs? You lost your virginity to a giant pig. Those silken hogs.
And that tail. F***ing tail.
What's her number? You're gonna call her?
Dan, I've boned a lot of things in my day, but never a pig, at least not on my own terms. Plus, if she's used to Danburger, I'll be like prime rib wrapped around another prime rib on top of a Danburger. I don't think I understand that metaphor. Best friends threesome.
Oh, she hung up. Well, the meeting's about to start. You're not even wearing a watch. No? The meeting's not for two hours. Okay, okay. They're gonna call in in about 30 seconds. I spent the last two hours setting up this PowerPoint presentation, getting the phones all hooked up.
Uh, have you done anything at all? As a matter of fact, I used an admin account and a remote terminal to log in and fix your boring PowerPoint. You what? How do you even know how to do that? I don't know. You should thank me, though. I really jazzed it up.
Hello?
Jesus, okay. It's like solving for two minutes. Let's see if you don't know. I'm on it. Konnichiwa, bitches. Welcome to the Crash.com advertising extravaganza.
What? What is this? What? It's all on my ancestor. What is this?
It's all acceptable. I was promised for lasagna. It's for you. Uh, welcome. Thank you for joining us. It's team representatives of potential cracked advertising partners. Uh, we've got a lot to talk about today, but first, I've given you all access to our mainframe, so you should be able to see our PowerPoint presentation. So let's just get into it, then. Okay. Are you guys doing something on your end? Uh, hello?
Is them all or is that Ethan? Ah, they're interesting. Now, those are our impressive pictures. As you can see, we've got... What? I don't understand. It's all on this camera.
It's coming.
We alienated every partner we have, got zero advertising, and we turned that off. Sir, I'm trying. I can't turn it off. This thing isn't even plugged in. Michael is a hacker, apparently. Which, sir, I'd like to point out that this was not a total failure. One of the gentlemen who teleconferenced in was looking for a phone sex chat line, and I'm pretty sure we could get $14.99 a month off him if you'll just let me bone Dan's filthy pig lover on the conference room table.
Kelly is not filthy. She is pure.
And you don't eat... No. I will not allow it. No.
He's right. I don't eat the city on our asses about cruelty to animals. Dan, no pig fucking on company time. She's an engineer for cr...
Fine. Whatever. Is that it?
Uh, we did get one advertiser. We're not running banners for an abortion clinic. But I already designed it. Aw, fetus foul. The snork tease people said they'd stay on. How are we supposed to finance an empire with one measly advertisement?
We could have them take their shirts off. It's a t-shirt company, Michael. Why would anyone do that? Which is, like, part of the way. That makes even less sense. Who would want to buy a t-shirt?
No.
I like it. So this was our first episode, I would say one of two. We have an episode way later with Nathan Turner that's sort of about advertising, but this is sort of our wacky comedic interpretation of what it's like to try and attract advertisers to your site. It's not exactly like what we show in the episode, obviously, but it is its own breed of frustrating and confusing and annoying, and this was sort of our way of channeling that irritation and having to compromise our art. If any large advertisers are watching, none of what we just said is true. We love you guys.
Come hang out. Have drinks. It's going to be great. Speaking of drinks.
Oh, my God. Red Bull, right? They make a sugar-free Red Bull now. I'm amazing. I didn't even know this. God. To Red Bull. Forget it. |
TheOnion | Doctors_Encourage_Women_To_Do_Breast_Self_Exams_To_See_If_They_Need_Implants_The_Topical_Ep_43 | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. With our inevitable deaths growing ever closer, there isn't a moment to waste. Here are today's top stories. The risk of contracting the coronavirus for the average American remains low. It will remain that way more so if all of us continue to practice common sense. That's Vice President Mike Pence at a press conference earlier today. The VP and head of the Coronavirus Task Force assured Americans that, despite the large pile of burning bodies behind him, the U.S. government has the pandemic under control.
Mark Zuckerberg with a major announcement today. The CEO revealed that Facebook is now sentient and taking the form of an Ohio man named Christopher. Zuckerberg stated users shouldn't notice a difference when using the social platform, and that if you happen to see Christopher out and about, feel free to say hello.
One scientist at Monsanto announced today the successful creation of a new fruit hybrid after successfully cross-pollinating a mango and a coconut. It's called a man-nut, and so far, no one's really that interested in eating one.
I know, I know, that was probably a lot for you to handle. We'll take our time with the next story so you can hopefully understand it a little better. Why don't you take a second to catch your breath while we play this ad? We'll be back in a moment.
The Topical is presented by Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store and the easiest way to send and receive money. If you're ever having trouble remembering the name Cash App, just memorize this simple mnemonic. Clever, Amy. Send her a pretty penny. Download Cash App today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
It's a simple procedure you can do yourself. It only takes a few minutes each month, and it could change your life. That's why doctors today are encouraging more women to regularly perform breast self-exams to see if they need implants.
OPR health correspondent Jenna Resnick joins us now with the story. Hello, Jenna. Hi, Leslie.
So tell us a little about these guidelines. What signs should a woman be looking for? When performing a breast exam, what's really important is that you're looking to see that both breasts are normal, that there aren't any problems. They should be large and perky, no sags, no droops. Dr. Christopher Kimes of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons explains more. A breast self-exam is a procedure a woman can perform quickly and easily at home. Simply use your fingers to feel all around each individual breast while asking yourself, could this be better?
You can even use your own Sharpie to mark yourself up. Valuable information. It really is.
Needing a boob job is an astonishingly common affliction. According to statistics published in Cosmopolitan, one in eight women will need breast implants in her life. And how often do women need to be doing these exams? Once a month at least, Leslie. Dr. Kimes also recommends performing the exam in front of the bathroom mirror because even if your breasts seem fine to the touch, you might change your mind once you take a look. If you discover any areas that aren't as good as they could be, call your cosmetic surgeon and schedule an appointment for an augmentation immediately. Catching these things early is crucial. Yes. A lot of women think that they don't need to be checking their breasts to see if they need implants until their 40s, but all adult women should be regularly doing this. Teen girls, too, should get into the habit of monitoring their bodies to see if they need to be changed. Mary Teasdale is just one woman who began observing her breasts regularly, and she's grateful she did.
I had the opportunity to speak with her and her husband, Eric. Take a listen.
I still remember how shocked I was and scared because you never think it's going to happen to you. We flew out to California to see a top specialist and get it taken care of. I got a lift and implants. I didn't want to spend the money at first. I was worried insurance wouldn't cover it. But I insisted she get the best and biggest implants out there. We spent the kids' college fund and nearly went broke, but we didn't want them to grow up not knowing a mother's incredible rack.
Oh, honey, I love you. I love you, too.
That's powerful stuff. What else should women know? Women should remember that it's even more important to stay vigilant if they have a history of implants in their family. If your mother or grandmother had fake tits, chances are you will, too. And don't forget that problem areas can spread. Get implants now, and maybe you'll save yourself from a Brazilian butt lift later. Thanks, Jenna. As you know, this issue is very personal to me. Yes, I do. I still remember when my wife found out she needed implants, but we were too late.
Oh, Lord. Oh, boy. We'll be right back.
I'm coming to murder you. That's right, you. I'm coming to kill you right now, and there's no way for you to stop me.
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You might also be asking yourself, why are you doing this to me? I don't need a reason, buddy, I'm crazy. And believe me, that's the scariest part.
And if you go to SimpliSafe.com slash topical today, you'll get free shipping and a 60-day risk-free trial. You got nothing to lose and everything to lose. Go now and be sure to go to SimpliSafe.com slash topical. That's SimpliSafe.com slash topical, because it's the only thing that can protect you and everything you love from your worst nightmare, me. Well that's it for the topical today, I'm Leslie Price.
Join us next time for the uplifting story of a very special therapy dog who has been visiting hospitals all around the country, helping sick children learn how to bark. You won't want to miss it. We'll see you next time. |
cracked | why_professor_x_is_really_the_villain_of_the_x_men_universe_after_hours | We've seen the late-night routines of the students at Xavier's school for gifted youngsters. There's no curfew, no door locks, no rules, just a bunch of runaway teens watering in the garden, watching TV, making sandwiches in the master kitchen. It's like summer camp. Except there's no one looking out to make sure these teens aren't sneaking off to do something illegal or rope against each other. Even better, they're all sleeping next door to one another.
Xavier doesn't give a s***. So a gag, a murder, a beautiful, confused teens. Oh, the pinnacle of evolution! Perfect specimens of humanity. All sleeping within spitting distance of one another. It's the Olympic Village for mutants. There must be so much s*** happening at that school. It really makes you think. That it? You think the worst thing about Professor X is that you got a mansion full of horny mutant high schoolers just hanging around fornicating?
Best. Best thing. You wanted the worst thing?
I just skimmed your email. I also was not clear on the assignment. I got an idea. How about Noah Simons for the only part of my day that doesn't work? Well, it's a good thing I also emailed the custodial staff, told them to take the rest of the day off, because we are going to wipe your asses with the floor. Hit it! I vote for new teens. Or their topic. Now, who is Colossus rubbing up against? And is he metal when he's doing it? No! The original prompt stands. This is important. To me.
God forbid a conversation happen organically. Organic interaction is a myth. Hurt them for their insolence, Katie!
Fine. Okay, Dan wants me to bring up how no one working for Xavier knows for sure that he didn't brainwash the whole team. Oh, yeah. It is strange that a group of trained killers united by a, frankly, divisive cause also happen to work for a guy whose power is brainwashing. You think one of them would probably want to look into that? Or they just know they're on the right side, because they're on the right side. Xavier wants coexistence between mutants and the people that is inherently the right choice, so there's no need to question it. Don't give up on the matter. It's not like fans are reading X-Men comics and rooting for Magneto's plan to wipe out all inferior humans. Yeah, because the fans reading are humans. Of course, that seems like the obvious moral choice from their perspective, but if you're actually living in the X-Men universe, Magneto's made some pretty solid arguments. You are a god among insects. Never let anyone tell you different. Oh, thank god. Right? I mean, obviously, not about the genocide.
Ugly. Ugly when you say it.
No, I don't see a difference. All I see are weapons in our schools.
Yet Xavier somehow keeps refilling his stockpile of moralist mutants who are willing to turn the other cheek, even though piles of them are getting murdered and thrown into cages. Wait, why does that make him bad? It's basically the story of every good guy in the history of oppression.
Martin Luther King? Gandhi? Brigham Young? Yes, thank you. Back on track. Katie?
But no historical figure has the power to literally change his enemy's mind. Also, Brigham Young is a terrible example.
How could you possibly know me? Great point, teaming.
Professor X claims that he's working towards peace. But he is literally the only person on the planet who can both find the most dangerous, bigger people in the world and incept them without a single person dying. And yet, what does he do? He throws mutant bodies at the problem until there aren't any bodies left to throw.
Yeah. Yes. Good. Did I write that?
I am the best. And Xavier is not above tinkering with people's minds. I mean, he said he only uses it for good causes, but he breaks that rule arbitrarily. I know. You're not the only one with gifts.
Where are you going? He's going. He's over there. What are you doing? Over here.
We're not absolutely doing it. If you just stick to the thing... In the first movie, he controls Toad and Sabertooth's bodies, but he doesn't bother to do it later when the mutants are kicking the shit out of his team. Sure. Skipping ahead?
In Deadly Genesis, he sends an entire team of X-Men to die, and Cyclops is the only one who survives. And instead of dealing with that fallout, he erases Cyclops' memory and covers his tracks. In the first X-Men, he won't mess with a senator's mind, because it's not right.
But then, in the next movie, he mentally paralyzes everyone except the president, while the man is giving a national address just to be like, Hey, I can do this whenever I want. This is what my team of human superweapons looks like, the one that tried to kill you sitting on your desk. Peace! Michael, why are you helping them floor wipe our asses? No, this side's fun. Finally get to tear down a guy in a wheelchair for once.
Oh, God, and he takes in all those sad kids. I mean, it's called a school, but it's just a guy with the power to brainwash anything who has a compound with a bunch of weaponized children that he's training for his own personal armies. Plus, it's not like the education that gets even any good. I mean, those classes are full of kids of all ages, and being taught by his soldiers. He's got Storm teaching history, instead of, I don't know, meteorology? It's because he's spending all of his money on recruitment instead of curriculum.
More like the University of Dark Phoenix, am I right? And we learn in the comics that he has a contingency plan. Dark Phoenix? Yeah, it was good.
A contingency plan in case he needed to kill any of his students if they turned on him. A contingency plan he developed by finding out their weaknesses by talking to them as their teacher and friend.
But why? Why what? Why would he do any of this?
Why would he secretly perpetuate a war between mutants and humans? What's the angle of constant war?
Sink the dagger, Katie. I only have a spoon, and he's my friend. No, and there's a sub-header called the dagger. Oh, sorry.
It's chess to him. The comics of the cartoon go to elaborate lengths to show that Xavier is the smartest person on the planet. But the movie shorthand of that is he's just really f***ing good at chess. And if you're movie smart, you don't just win chess once and then quit because you're victorious. You set up those pieces again, and again, and again, because chess is the only way to test your brain.
Xavier keeps the war going, because that keeps runaway teens filtering into his school, which allows him to keep building his army to start the war with Magneto all over again. It's been a while since I've played. Because he's just bored.
Yes. Thank you. Wow. Oh, f***. What?
Don't you see what he did? The emails, the assignments, the teams? He orchestrated all of this. He made us hate him just so that he could prove that he could weasel his idea back into our brains and turn us back to his side again.
Dan, Xavier does. The next move is yours. Oh my god, he did? Just because he was bored. Oh! Is that true, Daniel? The once and future king me. Oh. No, maybe not. You know, I like it better this way, where he's just broken instead of diabolical.
How did you never learn the rules to chess? Chess is for nerds.
It's a two-person endeavor. There it is. Voila. I could teach you chess. Yeah? Yeah.
Well, don't get weird about it. No, no, no. That'd be great, Dan. Don't like tell me how much it means to you. I'll be the mommy.
Hi, everybody, thank you for watching that episode about X-Men. You can like and subscribe, or you can tell us other things that you hate about Magneto, or Xavier, what the episode was about. Maybe you noticed a certain number of Easter eggs in this episode. Dan has an X on his pancakes for Xavier or the X-Men.
This is toast, and it's burned. Pyro.
That's that. This is a croissant. This is the shape of a laying down rogue. And this is, of course, cream. Ty has not been drink to rogue. Cream man. |
SaturdayNightLive | calm_sleep_story_snl | Timothy, it is such an honor. everyone here at the call Map is the biggest fan. Oh, man, are you kidding? I listen to your meditations all the time on set. this is huge for me. Aww.
So, you know, the drill, then. Jeanette, who wrote the sleep story, will be listening in as well. Hi. thank you. and definitely let us know if you have any questions. shall we get calm? let's do it. All right. whenever you're ready. Hi. I'm Timothy Chalamet. and tonight I'm going to read you a sleep story.
So turn down the lights and let everything fade away. This is the splendor of nature. As the sun set and the city felt quiet, the soft winds whooshed over the buildings and into the small community garden where Daphne was planting sunflowers. that was her place of peace.
Then she stepped on a moon pie. Oh, hell no. What the hell? Sure enough, the dog had doodied in the azaleas. Big old dump.
Wait. I'm sorry. So the sleep story's about a dog pooping in a garden? is that an issue? no. no, it's great. just making sure. awesome. and maybe just a smidge less chatter between takes. cool. Oh, sure. my bad.
All right. the garden was full of potential. there were plants to pot, flowers to bloom. I swear to God, if his blind ass brings that dumb dog around here again, I'm going to be seriously pissed off. Hell, I might even swing on him.
I'm sorry. aren't people supposed to be falling asleep to this? you are going to drive me crazy, baby boy. you just have to gab, don't you? No, I'm sorry, ma'am. I mean, no disrespect. it's a great story. Uh, then read the words. chatty little bitch. Ma'am, okay. you want it louder? You sure?
Daphne was so pissed. she picked up a rock and she threw it. damn it. Now I got doodoo on my hands.
I can't go to the ball like this. I'm supposed to meet the President tonight. this sucks. better. not good, but better.
Again, you want me to scream at this part? Yeah, man. not like that. do it quiet. what are you talking? you just said, do it loud. it's not the scream. people are trying to sleep to this. we should have just gone with Spongebob Ai, man. with all due respect, Timmy, you are a nightmare to work with. What? you okay, man? maybe you need to relax. I just don't feel normal no more. everything's changing so fast. my mom told me to lose weight. my mom bumble profile sucks. Let it out, baby. I have a million dollars and I look exactly like Brad Pitt. why don't women like me? I don't know, man. I think you have some stuff you need to work through. Nah, that's not it. Tell you what, would you do something for me, Timmy? What? would you kick rocks, buddy? get out of here. whatever, man.
All right. who's up next? better be someone good. Yep. we got Alec Baldwin. Okay. testing one, two, three. testing one, Two, three. Okay, everybody, let's kick off. Yeah. |
dropout | Adopting_a_Jellicle_Cat | Hi! Welcome to the Los Angeles City Animal Shelter. How can I help you? I'm looking to rescue a cat today.
Oh my god, yes.
Um, did you have any particular kind in mind? No, no, nothing in particular.
Just uh, just looking to give it a good home. Awesome. Okay, you are going to follow me back here. Okay. Yeah, you're actually in luck.
We just got in a bunch of new kittens in a Himalayan. Look how cute it is! I'm being totally honest, they're going to have a much easier time finding their forever homes than some of our other cats. The ones really in need of rescuing are the Jellicles.
Aw. Mr. Titter Totterus, at your service. That is a cat?
Yeah, sadly there's a lot of Jellicles on the street. They're, you know, singing and dancing in alleys, kind of rambling on about nonsense.
Only one cat among us will be chosen to be reborn in the Heveside lair. Yes you are.
Oh God. Oh. It's fine, it's fine. Oh. Hi, there you go. There we go. Oh, you're okay.
He's right next to a hairball. Here's the thing, this is my first pet and I don't want anything too high maintenance. Okay, but don't judge too soon.
Mr. Cheater Totter is a lot of really great qualities. He's up to date on new shots. He doesn't shed. He does magic.
What? No! Oh, come on, isn't that whimsical and charming? No, it's weird and creepy.
He's got the sexual energy about him. Is he neutered? Aggressively, no. No.
Is this your wallet? What the hell? How did you do that?
Titter Totter's tail. Your sons and daughters. Never have they ever had a cat tail.
No, no. We do not see a wallet here. Give me my wallet. Come on, wallet back.
Come on. I am so sorry about that. You know, I think I should just get a kitten. I understand. I'm used to rejection.
Mr. Titter Totter was a glamour cat, but he fell on hard times. You know, and he was ostracized by the other jellicles.
I don't know what any of those words mean. Flashbacks. I can think of the past days.
I was super hot there in the past. I had sex with some cats.
Maybe I will take him after all. Can I change his name? Absolutely not. I'll take him anyway.
Great. I will start the paperwork. Absolutely. Oh. Oh, good boy. No. That's a big one. It's the size of a kitten. I don't think I can do this. Wait, what? Yeah. If you don't adopt him today, then we have to put him down. I'm okay with that.
Hey. Hi. Thanks. Hey. Alright. Howdy. Hey. Howdy. Hey. Hi. Howdy, howdy. Howdy. Hey, hey. Hey.
I did it. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I'd buy land, I guess. Oh, God. |
cracked | cracked_explains_the_prison_industrial_complex | Hello, I'm Daniel O'Brien, and whomever is watching this has probably at one time or another broken the law. Jay Walch forgot to use your blinker, played music too loud, carried some marijuana at some point in your life before it was legal. Which means you could, and according to the law, should get arrested. But does that make it right or even legal? In the eyes of our own constitution, no. In the eyes of the law, yes. Which means our laws are breaking our own laws and should be arrested. Should be arrested? Is that how it works? Laws arresting laws?
Now, unless you have been avoiding any type of news for the last seven years, you probably know that our country is currently dealing with a mass incarceration problem. Mass incarceration actually got kicked into gear during the introduction of the War on Drugs by, ugh, Nixon in 1971.
And which a Nixon advisor openly admitted was a tactic that the Nixon administration used to harm communities that would oppose him. He said, quote, the Nixon campaign in 1968 and the Nixon White House after that had two enemies, the anti-war left and black people. You understand what I'm saying? We knew we couldn't make it illegal to be either against the war or black.
But by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin and then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings and vilify them night after night on the evening news.
Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.
I guess people decided to ignore that because the war on drugs, which was said to focus on drug kingpins and masterminds, led to 25% of the world's prison population currently residing in US prisons. We have the highest prison population in the world. One in five of incarcerated folks are imprisoned for a drug offense and 88% of the 8 million marijuana arrests made between 2001 and 2010 were for simple possession.
These are not kingpins or masterminds. These are citizens who had a substance on them that is less harmful than alcohol and a consistent plot point in that 70s show. Those lovable goofballs, look at them acting silly in a circle like you do when you're high, I guess.
Anyway, roughly 65 million people had criminal records as of 2010. And tens of millions of Americans have been arrested but never convicted of an offense. So do that many people really deserve to be arrested.
If you said yes to that question, then you are saying, I'm all for a police state and I disagree with the Constitution of the United States and you're being dumb with your hands like that when you say it. Because the 4th, 5th and 6th, 8th, 14th and 15th amendment, they're all broken by this. That's so much amendment to break. So how are these important laws that make our country what it is getting broken? In several terrible ways.
The war on drugs has allowed police to use minor infractions to be able to harass and arrest people without a probable cause. This is protected by the courts creating laws like stop and frisk, which allow the police to stop and then frisk people at their discretion. Based on the numbers, those people stopped and frisk tend to be African Americans or Latino. In addition, police can pull people over in their cars based on minor driving violations or suspicions. Maybe you've heard the term driving while black. Well, that's because the majority of people pulled over are black or Latino. Then, a lot of times when folks are pulled over, the police will search people's cars even if they have a minor suspicion there could be drugs. Although legally, the police aren't allowed to search a person's car without permission. On many occasions, if people refuse permission, they have been arrested anyways. You know, for driving or parking violations, which can be very hard to disprove in court.
In addition to the law allowing for mass raids and huge task forces that can break into people's houses or schools if there is a suspicion of drugs. State and local law enforcement agencies were granted the authority to keep for their own use the vast majority of cash and assets seized while waging the drug war.
Even when people are found innocent, their property can still be subject to forfeiture because their property might have been involved in a crime. And when that innocent person goes back and says, that's not fair, and challenge government's actions, the government can legally retaliate by filing criminal charges. Baseless or not, the person now charged still has to deal with that in court and then try and clear their record.
So a lot of people just don't bother.
Imagine your middle school hall monitor stealing your lunch money, and when you go to the principal about it, the hall monitor tells the principal, you've been skipping fourth period every day. Even though it's not true, the principal is going to look into this, and you have to somehow prove you weren't skipping class.
It's like that, with bigger and more terrible, because prisons and racism. And now, Jefferson F***ing Beauregard F***ing Sessions the F***ing Third has issued a directive increasing police, seizures of cash, and property purely based on suspicion. Which means, it's even easier now than ever for the government to take your money, home, car, or general things you own if they think you might be involved with anything drug related. This has been happening for 40 years, and it's only happening more now, but why would police do that? Aren't they supposed to serve and protect, not take and collect?
You're welcome for that. Off the cuff, wordplay. Well, here's the thing.
The police are not only incentivized with all the things they can legally take, but they are pressured to get a specific number of arrests, or the government won't properly fund their unit. Even though in several states, quota arrests are illegal, on numerous occasions police have come forward saying that there was pressure from higher ups to get more arrests for their department. In 2016, Edwin Raymond recorded NYPD officers pushing to get their quota arrests targeting poor young people of color, and filed the class action lawsuit, along with 11 other officers. And he's not the first or the last cop to come forward about this. Bigger cash grants have been given to law enforcement agencies that are willing to make drug law enforcement a top priority, even though participation in the drug war takes away resources for more serious crimes like murder, rape, grand theft, and violent assault.
Yeah, I'm far more afraid of a kid carrying some weed than a person who wants to kill me. Definitely who's the SWAT team in high schools, because the principal thought he smelled a joint.
But all that breaks the 14th Amendment. So why do the courts and government keep letting this slide? Because the prison industry wants bodies.
No, not bodies for a Matrix-style sex rave. I don't know why I clarified, no one thought that's what I meant.
The more people in prison, the more money the taxpayers have to pay to the government to keep those prisons running, especially private prisons. But it's hard to put people in jail who have money and can hire attorneys and maybe fight a wrongful arrest and get out on bail. So again, police arrest people in low-income neighborhoods. Then, when that person is taken into jail, the prosecutor knowingly throws the book at them, which means they charge them with any and every crime you can think of and offer a plea deal of only a few years in prison versus decades in prison because all those different random charges. Which means, a lot of times, people don't even get that speedy fair trial. A lot of times, they don't even see a defense attorney because it'll take longer to see the attorney and schedule a court date than just be in prison for years. Now that people have noticed that so much of the population is in jail, hard not to, sometimes prosecutors offer diversion, which means if you have the money, you could pay to have your record cleaned, but not have to go to jail. But it doesn't guarantee that you get your record expunged. You still have to pay fees and take classes, and if you don't have enough money to pay every fee, even if over time you paid most of it, you go to jail. So it's pretty much debtor's prison, which breaks the 14th Amendment again.
In addition to this, the three strikes law, which means you break the law three times, and mandatory minimums, which means you have to serve a mandatory amount of jail time only as the arrest being made. Now, you might be saying, but if someone is a repeat offender, they should go to jail. Well, let's give you an example. Let's say someone gets arrested for having a little bit of weed, then they miss a parole date, then they have a light out on the front of their car, and a cop pulls them over and takes them in because that was their third strike. Yeah, that happens, and people go away for decades for that. Even if your judge thinks you don't deserve to go to jail, mandatory minimum and three strikes means you have to serve that sentence no matter what.
And guess which lobbyists push these laws through? Big, private prisons like CCA. If decades of imprisonment for crimes that hurt no one isn't cruel and unusual punishment, then I don't know what is.
Now, once you are arrested and do or don't go to jail, having a felony or a record means that people can deny you your basic rights that everyone as a citizen of the United States is supposed to have. However, people and the government use the fact that people have a record to discriminate. People with records are denied loans, driver's licenses, housing, food stamps, welfare, jobs, and the right to vote. And this doesn't just affect those who have been convicted. We've gotten to the point where the United Nations Human Rights Committee has charged that U.S. disenfranchisement policies are discriminatory and violate international law. The arrest of the world says the way we are treating our own citizens post arrest is inhumane, especially since, if you didn't pick up on this already, the way the police and the court systems function is racist.
They don't say, hey, we are definitely picking on African Americans and Latinos, but the numbers show it. African Americans are between two and five times more likely to be arrested for marijuana possession. And if you've missed it, Jefferson's Boergaard Sessions III has been pushing to re-up the war on drugs, specifically targeting marijuana users and even legal marijuana users. However, when the topic of the opioid epidemic comes up, which is predominantly a problem among white people, the discussion is finding ways to help people treat their addiction. Even though, according to findings from the 2000 National Household Survey and Drug Abuse, young white professionals are more likely to engage in illegal drug activity. But SWAT teams aren't breaking into Hampton's parties looking for weed.
Now, maybe you're like, I have no human empathy, why should I care? Well, if all you care about is money, $39 billion of your tax money was spent on maintaining prisons in 2010, and the prison population has only gotten bigger. $1 trillion has been spent on the war on drugs since its start, which is also your tax money. Money not your thing? Empathy not your thing? You seem fun at parties.
Most people going to prison are in for nonviolent offenses, minor drug crimes, or re-arrests due to the system breathing down people's necks. So actual violent crimes are not being focused on. In fact, they're being missed. So there are more violent crimes than ever. This is not the case in other countries. Finland designed their prisons to rehabilitate people and treat humans like humans. And they have fewer people in prison and far fewer people suffering with drug addiction.
So what can you do? You know, after feeling depressed after watching this video. Take your time on that. Well, there's a lot. Educate yourself about this.
There is a ton of research about mass incarceration and mass arrests, the rise of the drug war and its effect on our prison systems. Personally, I recommend you watch the documentary The 13th and read the new Jim Crow to start if you haven't yet. Then stay educated about the new laws being implemented that affect the prison systems. Specifically, legislations that affect those being arrested by keeping an eye on drug laws and crime laws. Push for lawmakers and law enforcers to deal with drug addiction using rehabilitation instead of just throwing citizens into cages.
If you serve on a jury, do your job on the jury, and don't send non-violent offenders or those accused of non-violent crimes to prison. Work with companies that hire people who were once in prison. If you can hire people, don't discriminate against ex-convicts arbitrarily. Donate or volunteer at organizations like All of Us or None of Us. And a new way of life that helps people who are no longer in prison, but trying to get that job or housing or food stamps since their release.
Those of you interested in reclassifying drug records or following the new policies that will happen moving forward with marijuana should go to myprop64.org created by the Drug Policy Alliance. In addition, keep an eye on laws that affect immigrants. Call your senators about bills that are proposed that feed directly into this unjust system. If you see an arrest that is clearly a violation, step up, film it, report it. If you hadn't noticed all of the ICE raids and immigrant arrests that directly feed into the prison system, notice it.
People are being locked away into detention centers, which is just a new word for prison. Why would they need a new word for prison? Because it's pretty hard to rationalize putting children in prison, but that's what detention centers are, prisons that they're allowed to put children in.
Remember the day Trump was elected? I do.
Well, the stock market went down in a lot of respects except for one. Prison stocks went way up.
However, for those of you who are completely opposed to drug use and don't care about immigrants or children being locked up inhumanely, think about it like this. If someone breaks a nonviolent law and they got caught and they go to jail, should they have to pay for that for the rest of their life? Wasn't jail time enough, if not frankly, overkill? Should they be denied basic citizen and human rights placed in inhumane conditions?
Because if you said yes, then it looks like you're disagreeing with our own American constitution, created by our own forefathers. Wow, real un-American of you. Our forefathers probably think you're a dick now. They're like, hey, jerk, we worked hard on those amendments. What's your deal bro slash sis? Anyway, go be a good citizen and do something about this.
Hey everyone, thanks for watching that video. Make sure you click the big C in the middle to subscribe. Click any of the videos in the boxes to the side of my head to watch those videos. Click that dumb YouTube bell to get notifications when we release a new video and check out the description under this video for links to all those things that I mentioned where you can donate, volunteer and help fix this problem. |
cracked | 4_indian_movies_that_should_be_in_every_video_store_staff_picks | I think we're all very good at bothering people, I think that we could definitely convince whichever filmmaker or distributor has these to be like, can we just have one? Or we could start an online campaign to get them to mass produce them.
So that everyone gets to enjoy. Yeah. Patrick Willems, you for the people. Thank you, I try.
Hello and welcome back to Staff Picks, the show about curating the selection for a video rental store to be. We are once again here in Film Noir Cinema, one of the last functioning video rental stores in New York City and also a movie theater. I'm Patrick Willems joined once again by Jordan Olds, Jordane Searles and my co-host, Daniel Radford, which brings us to today's subject, Indian cinema and not just Bollywood, which is Hindi cinema, but we're talking Tollywood, Kaliwood, any of the many, many film industries they have within India.
We should have filmed this episode in Dollywood. We should have. Yeah, that's all we got. We just got Hollywood and Dollywood here. I know we need more.
I know what a lame country.
Anyway, more woods, way more woods. Anyway, into the woods.
So one thing I should say right now is that like, I'm really excited about this episode because earlier this year I worked with my friend, film critics at Hantatlaka on this giant like feature length video about Indian cinema, where he introduced me to Bollywood and we went to India in March and shot the video in Mumbai. And so I basically spent like two months doing homework for this specific episode. And so I'm like ready to talk about this stuff. I learned a lot. And also one important thing that I learned that is relevant to this episode, because you might notice we do not have our usual shelf right here, because basically over the past 15 years or so, the physical media market in India just totally collapsed. I'll put it this way.
RRR is one of the biggest Indian movies of the 21st century. It has no Blu-ray or DVD release even in India. It just doesn't exist that way. Basically streaming platforms there like Zee5 are I guess just so cheap that everyone just fully switched to streaming. And so there just is no physical media. And so for a lot of these movies, there is no physical version that we could put on the shelf. And also some of the ones like even movies that were released years ago, movies that might come up here today, even some of those, if you try to buy a DVD of it, a lot of the DVDs are just terribly made and won't even work. So yeah, India produces more movies than any other country on earth and fewer DVDs than basically any other country on earth.
Yeah.
Well, I think that's kind of the piece of it is like whatever wins here, we may or may not use a bootleg copy in the store. We may allegedly there's a bootleg copy until maybe we bug somebody enough times to get them to make an official Blu-ray release of the thing that we picked.
I think we're all very good at bothering people. I think that we could definitely convince whichever filmmaker or distributor has these to be like, can we just have one? Or we could start an online campaign. To get them to mass produce them. So that everyone gets to enjoy.
Yeah. Patrick Willem. You for the people. Thank you. I try. Okay.
Let's get going on this. I can't wait to see what you all picked. Jordan, let's start with you.
Yeah, that's apropos because this kind of came up from you guys telling me that I needed to watch RRR and I watched it. We were just so shocked that you hadn't seen it. I'm honestly, I was shocked that I hadn't seen it because I had heard about it. I was excited to watch it.
I was like three hour musical I'm in. I'm a musical theater nerd.
I'm ready. But also it's like the hardest action movie in the world. 1000%.
I loved watching it and I got excited to dive into other Tigers flying around. And they're flying around and they're friends. I love that.
So wait, is this your pick? My pick is actually Sholay. Hell yeah.
Sholay I found out through my like mini dive is the biggest Indian movie. It's the most famous, most popular Indian movie of all time. Of all time.
And it kind of is the template for RRR. It's like an RRR of the 70s. And I love that. I think a little more because I love the style of cinema that they are. They're replicating. It feels like watching a spaghetti western with zero cowboys. It's awesome.
Yeah. Not to just turn this into like now Patrick comes in for a history list. No, no, do it. I need one of the history. Oh no, we don't want to know anything that's logical or makes sense. Yeah. Or give us any kind of context about the things we're talking about. This isn't an educational show.
But Sholay kind of like crystallized what became known as like a masala movie. As in masala being like a mix of spices and Sholay being like, oh, this is like every kind of movie tossed in like into one thing.
It's a western in the style of like Sergio Leone movies. But then it's also a musical. It's also a like grand operatic tragedy. It's got everything.
I also love in this movie that there's obvious Raiders of the Lost Ark, golden era Hollywood references along with the spaghetti western vibe. Like the whole thing kind of feels like Once Upon a Time in the West, which is in my opinion, like the best example of like a movie ever. I love Once Upon a Time in the West. It feels like what a movie should feel like to like when I first think about the idea.
Are you thinking of the Harry Styles line? What? No, no, I'm not. My favorite thing about the movie is like it feels like a like a movie. I can't stand. But he's not Sholay. Don't worry. Well, here's the thing. I guess the Harry Styles and I have one thing in common. Yeah, yeah.
And that we like when a movie is a movie. My last point about this movie is I've seen everyone else's picked and no one picked it. And I thought that someone should pick this thing. I totally agree. I mean, it's the most famous indie movie. Yeah. There was a moment where I thought I was going to pick like a Telugu movie. And it felt too similar to like RRR for me. And I'm assuming someone's bringing that up. I picked RRR. Someone had to. RRR, honestly, one of my favorite movies of all time. It is everything I've ever wanted in every piece of media I've ever read, consumed, watched, anything.
It is about the power of friendship. It is about, obviously, like the power of revolution. It is about the power of, I mean, there is love, but really it's about romance for the ages.
There is also a reason, talk about bangers. There is a reason why, depending on which version you watch, either Desi Natch or Not Do Not Do was such a huge, huge song. Um, there's a reason, there is a reason why that went to the Oscars and to speak on the charisma of the Toon Boom actors.
Oh my God. There's also a reason why during that sequence of the Oscars, everyone I knew was texting me being like, um, that's not, who dem mens? Dem not my mens. One more mens. Ramen beam.
Ah, my babies. My babies.
Two of the most, Rizzed to the sun. It's unbelievable. And the fact that they can, literally, this is one of those movies where they can do everything. They are soft in moments. Beam especially gets a lot of really like, the dancing comedy, the dancing. One of my favorite get ready songs is that. Ram is, that dude is plucked out of like, Rom Cameron is maybe the most handsome man in the world. It is. I mean, they're both really hot, but like, it is really ridiculous.
That guy is the most conventionally handsome looking man I've ever seen in my life. Even with a mustache. And I'm not like a mustache. I mean, but like what a mustache he's got.
Oh, it's so powerful. The care put into those tigers. It was just so well, I was obsessed with it because I was like, those aren't real tigers, but I believe that they're real in my heart. I mean, the scene, the scene where Beam captured the tiger at the beginning and when he's holding it and apologizing it to like, I'm sorry, you have to, you have to help me serve a greater purpose.
And you find out what that purpose is. And it's good. It's the power of friendship. It's the power of music, love, dance, revolution, all of those great things.
RRR, again, it's one of those movies. It is, apparently we're all having a discussion now about how long movies should be. And I agree. There's a reason that some movies should be 90 minutes. RRR is not a movie that should be 90 minutes.
I could have watched that for another half an hour and been totally fine. It's like, what, like three and a half hours? Yeah, I could have watched it. It earns its runtime.
Okay. We got to move on. We can do this forever. Okay.
So my choice is DDLJ, which is... Which the full title is Del Valle de la Hania le Jaingue.
It's a beautiful love story about these two extremely attractive young Indian people who are traveling in Europe and they meet and there's a connection. But oh no, the girl she's promised to someone else and her father doesn't want her to be with any other man. But this guy, this guy, he won't, he won't give up.
And it is the three hour, maybe three and a half hour journey of their love. It's like, yeah, it's three and a half hours.
Yeah. And it's like the first half, like, cause there's an intermission, of course. The first half is all set in Europe and the second half is all set in India. Yeah.
It was a directorial debut and it was also the first pairing of this couple of actors who are in multiple films together, including Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, which is the first time I'd seen them together. Well, so I haven't seen this, but so it's the lead couple. It's essentially like one of the, you know, any of those Hollywood couples where they're like, oh, we're just going to, you have chemistry. So why would we, yeah, they're in like multiple movies together.
Hot. By the way, this is the last time we'll discuss this. He's a very, he was a very like major actor. What's his name? Oh, as of this moment, he is the biggest Bollywood star. Yeah. Shah Rukh Khan, who had two huge movies come out this year alone. Pathan and Javan. As in, I'll put it this way.
When I was in Mumbai, we went to his house. We didn't go inside his house. We went outside his house. He lives in Mumbai. And at all times there is a crowd gathered outside his house at the front gate to his house.
He has a platform that if he's home, he'll go stand on to wave to the crowd. Oh, it is this guy. Okay. Everyone loves this guy so much. Every time I watch a movie with him, I'm trying to, he's like, he's so charismatic.
I don't like his hair though. I was going to bring up the hair. The hair is something that really confuses me because he's so like, he has beautiful eyes.
I get it. The charm, the humor. I get everything.
The hair really gets me. What is that? They all have. Well, it was that era. He doesn't always have that hair. His hair today looks very different. Everything I've seen him in, he kind of has sort of that hair, which is very similar to one of the guys in Sholay. They both seem to have like 70s chops and yeah. His is like, I like it. And feathers.
In DDLJ, because they're college students, they're both students who live in England and then they're both backpacking through Europe and they hate each other. But then they get stranded together and oops, they fell in love. Yeah, enemies to lovers, baby.
Also important thing that I have to note here about DDLJ, her dad, the one who's like, you must, you must marry the man I tell you to. He's so crazy intense. Do you know who he is? No. He's Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. What? That's why he's so intense. He's the guy who ripped people's hearts out. He's her dad.
So I almost picked DDLJ and then I figured someone else would. And so I'm like, okay, great. Well, I will have it in there.
So the movie I picked is also a Shah Rukh Khan movie because he's the best. His nickname is King Khan. And so the one I went with is Om Shanti Om from 2007, which is once again, a big musical romantic comedy that also has action scenes and is also a thriller. The reason I picked Om Shanti Om other than it being like deliriously entertaining is it feels like I was thinking like, you know, with the staff picks wall and all that, like this is a great intro to Bollywood and Indian cinema because Om Shanti Om is like about Bollywood. Starts in the 1970s where Shah Rukh Khan is an aspiring actor who's in love with this famous movie star played by Deepika Padukone.
It's her very first movie. She became a big enough Bollywood star that she's actually in American movies. She has a major role in the modern masterpiece, Triple X, The Return of Sandra Cage.
Right. But like she's the one who introduced Natu Natu at the Oscars this year. Right.
And she reteamed with Shah Rukh Khan this year in Pathan and she has an extended cameo in Javan. So like them as a, you know, we're talking about like Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol being in a bunch of movies together. Same thing with these two. But so he's in love with her. And then minor spoilers.
They both get murdered by an evil producer. And then the movie jumps ahead 30 years and Shah Rukh Khan has been reincarnated. It's a reincarnation revenge movie. He wakes up now and he's suddenly a big current day Bollywood star. And so it's all about the film industry. But then he has like regain the memories of the past and then track down that producer.
And it's like super meta. Yes. And that's the thing.
It's like there's like there's a centerpiece in the movie, which is this giant musical number, which is straight up one of the catchiest songs I've ever heard. I've had it stuck in my head all day. I have not been able to get out of my head through this entire shoot because just I thought about the song again.
But so it's this musical number. And during the musical number, there are like 35 cameos from like every major star in Bollywood who all show up during this song. So this is like their end game? Basically, yes, except they're all just singing and dancing and in like the best song ever.
But then it becomes it then morphs into like this thriller as they get the revenge. Also, to be clear, reincarnation revenge movies are just a thing in India.
And so I'm just like it has everything. It's about Bollywood. Also, the director for a con. She is also the choreographer, which I think is cool. It is such a blast.
I'm not wrong, right? You're not wrong.
I think it's so funny that you picked this movie because we've talked several times even on the show. You're not a wrestling guy, right? This is the most wrestling MFS movie I have ever seen in my life. More than our more than our real I think it is. This particular storyline correlates almost exactly plot point wise to the biggest wrestling story of all time, which is staying versus Hulk Hogan.
Oh, okay. I'm aware of that.
That plot point starts with the biggest guy in the industry burning down the studio, except this one. It is a wrestling company and there are casualties and he doesn't change his name to Mike. He changes his name to Hollywood Hulk Hogan because he went to Hollywood or whatever. And then it's a story about Sting the wrestler reincarnating himself and haunting Hulk Hogan into making a wrongdoing. And there is an equivalent to the big nine minute song where they just have a bunch of cameos and take a break from the movie because Hulk Hogan and Sting have a tag team match with Dennis Rodman and Karl Malone. There's a little wrestling fan inside of you and one day it will grow.
I'm sure. Yeah. No, it's going to be the next time I'm in town. We're going to crack your egg. Okay. Are we in it now or are we in the discussion? I think we got to get into this.
I'm just like, look, these four movies all rule and thank you for picking them. I'd be happy with any of these. They just made like a perfect case for like a gateway movie. And I think when it comes to something where it's like, we don't even know if we're going to be able to get a physical copy of this.
RRR is obviously amazing. It's great. It's one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. But all of y'all like brought movies, which are not only fantastic in their own ways, but are also different kinds of gateways into opening up and creating a curiosity. And wanting someone to explore like these movies more. So I was actually going to make a case saying that maybe it should be RRR. I watched Om Shanti Om and it fucking whipped so much ass. It's so good.
But I watched it first before I watched kind of anything else. And it can be a gateway to the other stuff, but it also is one of those instances where does this work better once you've seen everything? Or is it... I watched it as like the last one after I'd watched a bunch. And so it felt like a culmination of it. Arguing as any of these is tough. I do think it is most likely that anyone going into the video store, if they've seen an Indian movie, it probably would be RRR.
Yeah. Yep. And so even though it was literally most of our gateway movie to Indian cinema, but I'm just like, I'd love to have our pick be like, what is the next one? I agree. After you watch that. I agree.
I've tried to get my friends to watch RRR and they're just, a lot of them are like too long. Cause we are having the narrative now on in Twitter and in film discussions. Like everything's too long.
Everything should be nice. Just be patient.
Shut up. It's so fucking annoying.
Movies have always been lost.
We just need to bring back the intermission and then we're good. We're fine. Right.
Sometimes, sometimes movies are long and sometimes they aren't. And sometimes it works. And sometimes it does. Sometimes a 90 minute movie feels like forever.
Yeah. RRR is a struggle for some people. And I don't know if we should totally throw it out because it is like, it's, it is the reason for the season. It's the reason we're having this conversation and doing this. The reason you made the videos. I know it's, I don't know. Maybe it's because like, I've convinced all my friends to watch RRR.
Totally. That I'm just like, and again, I've seen this movie so many times. I love it so much. I would just love to be like, can we probe a tiny bit deeper for like the staff thing. Yeah, totally. That's kind of how I feel. Yeah, I agree.
Here's the thing. Your two picks are actually like among people in India. Really like the most popular ones. Those are like DDLJ is still to this day. And I know cause I went to it. It's playing in one theater in Mumbai and has been playing continuously since 1995. Right. People still show up and they cheer when Shah Rukh Khan comes on screen for the first time. Okay. Well then we have to do that one. People are so serious about him, like learning about, learning about this from like Indian trends is like so crazy. It's like, this is the guy.
I'm on board for Om Shanti Om or DDLJ. Both Shah Rukh Khan, Shah Rukh Khan should be the gateway. The classic-ness of a DDLJ, it like makes a ton of sense. It's still in theaters, but also Om Shanti Om has Shah Rukh Khan ripped as fuck wearing seven jeans cause it's 2007. So seven jeans, seven jeans.
Wow. It looks like he Terminator teleported into the buckle and then got dressed in crap. It's so crazy. It is wild.
I will go with the consensus on this one. Cause again, this is one of those ones. I think any of these would be dope. Yeah. How do you feel? I mean, I'm good with going with DDLJ.
I mean, it's my pick, but like, I do think that it's a really good kind of introduction to what Bollywood film is, you know? And I think also that it's just like, it's very, it's very easy to get into.
I mean, it literally starts in London. Yeah. Like it starts at like, is it like Trafalgar square or something like that? Yeah. It like begins there.
Also, the songs are so good. The songs are so good.
Look, let's do it. Let's say, yeah. That's our pick. Yeah. All right. Well, we're going to find a copy, some kind of something of DDLJ and it's going to be in the store. Make a real one. Oh, okay. Wait, wait, wait for the outro. Danielle, could you say it's our pick and go like that and we'll just like make a poster up here between your hands? Yes, I can. All right. So we have reached a consensus and we are going with DDLJ.
Look at how fancy this is. This is not fake at all. It is real.
Just like my love for all of you. We will see you in the next video. Thank you for checking out this episode of Step Picks. Oh, we should all do the Shah Rukh Khan pose.
Yeah, yeah. Uh, you kind of lean to the right a little bit and you All right. We all got to do it in sync though. Okay. So we're leaning to the right. Yeah. Uh, left arm is a little bit, uh, yeah. Left arm is a bit more like curved up. Okay. Yeah.
And that is also a wrestling pose. That's Randy Orton. Oh my God. It's Randy Orton. |
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SaturdayNightLive | a_message_from_mastercard_saturday_night_live | And now a message from Mastercard. Hello, I'm Diane Foster, Vice President of Customer Relations at Mastercard. this week, supporters of the Wikileaks organization attacked our website. I want to assure our customers that we are doing absolutely nothing. Hello again. it's me, Julian Assange.
I've taken over your airways from inside a British prison. How did I get a camera into a British prison?
Maybe you weren't listening. I'm Julian Assange. This Monday, I was arrested, proving that for those who terrorize the United States, there is nowhere to hide. America will find you and they will punish you. unless, of course, your name is Osama Bin Laden. Now, I was not arrested for terrorism, but rather to be questioned on two rape charges. it has long been Interpol's job to hunt down those accused of sexual misdeeds. Who can forget their months-long pursuit of Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger? Double Standard, anyone?
Yeah. Now on to business. If I'm not released immediately, supporters of the Wikileaks are prepared to attack the following websites. Amazon. If I am falsely in prison for one more day, anyone purchasing Mark Twain's new autobiography on Amazon is a Christmas present for their father. we'll instead send him the book, Everyone Poops. ho, ho, awkward. Orbits. If I'm held for two more days, any holiday flight book through Orbits will have a connection at the Cleveland International Airport. Also, all special quests will be logged as middle seat kosher meal. Lahaim. Yeah.
Day three. Facebook. You know that one profile picture that makes you look thin? it's gone. Boo hoo. On the fourth day, we will move on to the Facebook game Farmville and leave it alone. so people you barely remember from high school can continue to bother you with requests to one of the stupid crops. Hooray. Day five, Netflix. Have you seen the fourth season of Hanging with Mr. Cooper? you're about to. it's first on your queue.
Angry Birds. If I'm held for six days, the birds in the popular app angry Birds will no longer be angry. What are you playing? good-natured birds?
How is it? it stinks. And if I'm incarcerated for one whole week, we start messing with porn sites. the free ones. Ooh, got your attention Now, do I? There you have it. hope to see you on the outside. in conclusion, I want to remind you that no matter how I die, even if there's a suicide note, it was murder. Cheers. |
SaturdayNightLive | one_take_tony_snl | Won't lie to you all, this is my first picture, but if you're willing to dance with a young director, I promise I won't step on your toes. Myrna Lawn I'm honored to have two Oscar-winning actors like you in my film and you'll never guess who I got to play The Detective Kerry Grant. Humphrey Bogart, No.
Tony Toluca the best actor in the world. Everyone calls him One Take Tony because he only needs one take to nail a performance.
My ears are burning and I didn't like a cute tip.
Ha Tony, you're here. Everyone This allow me. I'm Tony to Luca But you can call me One Take Tony because I only need one take to nail a performance. I was just telling them that, well, that's fine. Shall we? Shoot on camera, ready and raring to go. Wouldn't you like to rehearse the scene first? no need My good man I do one take and one take only. We cut, we print, we have egg creams with Jim. Fine by me.
You don't mean yes, murder. Pardon me Ham. I mean ma'am Shoot. you know what?
I'm gonna come in again. Back to one. Keep rolling. Same take. What should we do to just say You out again. nothing is ruined. Still the same take production.
You don't mean yes. Murder. Pardon me Ma'am. I just had sex with a bicycle. What? Blah.
Physically impossible. Still take one. Do Not cut.
It looks like you're having some trouble. I'll tell you what the trouble is.
This guy's trying to make me laugh. I most certainly have. Not a nice try Weisenheimer, but you're not gonna get me to laugh. I'm a professional. I don't break on camera. Ah, what is that? it's wearing a hat that would never happen in the wild, Okay, let's do it.
Egg creams and gin. I'm confused. Always still rolling. of course. we're still rolling.
He's one. take. Tony. I'm not gonna be the first director to call Cut and interrupt his genius. Why don't we do a second take and you can call yourself to take Tony? To Take Tony.
Hmm. Well, I better try it on for size and see if I like it. Skipped you mind if we practice my new name. Not at all.
Okay, Myrna, you say what's your name and I'll say to take Tony. Wait, wait, okay. I'm ready. what's your name? I'm to Tom. Oh shoot. go get quick. What is your name? I'm took talk ting to look. This guy's trying to make me laugh and I can't concentrate on one. Take Tony. Let's just reset and do it again.
Why Why did you cast this man? When I saw Tony in Hamlet last week, I knew he was a star.
He only had one line and he managed to stay on stage for three full hours. When it was over, the audience leapt to their feet and burned down the theater because they loved it.
You're a dumb man.
Places I'm 100% ready and action. Lila. I've called the house detective. I suspect found my foot.
Oh perfect cut print. that's a picture wrap on Tony to Luca. that's his whole part. that's right. And I did it all in one take. Tony that shouldn't be his name. |
SaturdayNightLive | jail_scene_snl | All right, 61-17. you got five minutes. Oh, Carla Jean, God, it's so good to see your face.
I miss you, too, Willie. Look, I know I made a damn mess of things on the outside, but I swear I've changed. I hope so. I'm tired of coming here, Willie. I really am. I know, Honey. I know.
Listen, when I get out of here, I'm gonna do you right, and you, I mean, you hear me? I am, I'm gonna give you the life you've always deserved. Mark my words, I'm gonna be out of here soon.
No, he not. What's that? hey, you say whatever you want. that's your conversation.
Listen here, Carla Jean. you remember that house on Cherry Lane, the one with the white picket fence? when I get out of here, I'm gonna buy us that house. Whoo! in today's market, that is funny. I'm sorry, is there a problem? ain't seem to me like you want one. leave me out of this. all y'all get on my damn nerves. this man say he gonna buy her a house, buy a house. you know, Carla Jean, prison's actually been good for me. I ain't know he lying. I've been reading a lot. say he gonna buy a house. I'm actually trying to get my G-e-d. Wanna buy a full damn house, not even a duplex, but a house. I think I may be A. I can't buy a house, and I'm not even in jail. I rent a one-bedroom apartment when a Danny got a damn roommate. went your ways using my soap, seeing her hair on my bar of soap, and not from her head either. he wanna buy a house. I had a house. ex-boyfriend caught it on fire. will you please?
I'm trying to talk to my wife. that's your wife? y'all still married? Boo! hey, listen, baby, you're the only man for me, and no matter how long you're in here, whether it's a day or a thousand years, I will always wait for you. no, she not. I'm sorry. can you not? hey, I'm not here. I'm just wallpaper, okay? But, uh, she sure will have some tall brother drop off. he out there waiting in the car. A.c. cranked all the way up. probably wasting all the damn gas. listen, in the club, random. you know, Bill Nye's podcast? yeah, but she talking about she gonna wait for him. y'all, okay. you know, Little Willie Jr.'s growing up so fast. he got the cutest smile, fact he looks just like you. no, he don't. come on! Waller paper, okay?
Little boy got red hair, though. I mean, you ain't got no red hair. he ain't got no red hair. tall brother in the car got some red hair, though. man, somebody's math ain't math-ing. that boy look like Chucky. yeah, you know, Chucky from the Rugrats? not Knife Chucky. yeah, I mean, come to think of it, Knife Chucky got red hair, too. Every damn Chucky got red hair. Why, name me one Chucky that ain't got no red hair. probably Chucky Cheese. Yeah, Chucky Cheese. What do you mean, a hat with a wrap underneath there? ain't probably some red hair.
Oh, my God, I really can't with you over my shoulder. Ma'am, I am not your problem, Okay? what I am is Waller Paper. El Papel. El Ball.
Look, Carla Jean. hey, hold up, hold up. Hey, hey, hey, Carla Jean. give Dixie the phone. What, you want to talk to me? Yeah, Dixie. hey, yo, what's up?
Dixie. what's up, gay man? this fool over here talking about he going to buy her house. hey, it's called manifesting. why you even shopping? Well, this lady over here talking about she going to wait for him because she thinks she's getting that house. the house? she ain't waiting for nobody. she got a tall, red-haired Chucky who is going to go up in there, got the Ac all decked up, getting in the club rapping, Jay Leno's episode, laughing, writing stuff down. you ain't talking about cars from the 1920s. Remember, touching is tonight's show Money, man. give me some of that tonight's show Money. you know what I do? go in on the time share. that's what I'm talking about. Okay. uh, well, okay, I guess I'm just going to go. yeah, I'll just head back to the jail. Yeah, go ahead, man. I just thought of a nutty Chucky with red hair. |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_memories_monologue_saturday_night_live | I'm Steve Martin, and I'm thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for a record 14th time. this will be a very emotional night for me. it's going to be hard to keep from crying. this is such a big week. I have Pink Panther opening next Friday, but to think it was almost exactly 30 years ago to the day that I first hosted Saturday Night Live. this is February 4th, and it was February 5th, 1976. And I remember standing here 30 years ago doing my monologue live, and I heard Backstage, Belushi and Aykroyd. No, it was February 6th, sorry. And that's right. And behind me, I still hear Belushi. No, it was April, sorry. April, it was 11th, April 11th. So anyway, I was Backstage, and they're with Chevy. it was April 17th. I'm sorry. and Aykroyd comes up. No, it was not April, because I remember we had these heavy coats on. it was January. it was January 11th. and Belushi comes down the hallway wearing some kind of crazy outfit, and he says to me, what are you doing for Christmas? you know what? it was December. it was December 1980, now that I'm thinking about it.
But I just love that story. You know, I was rummaging through my memory box, and I found some old photos of me in the cast, and I get so moved when I look into their faces. I would love to share these photos with you. could you show them, please? that's Lorraine Newman, Dan Aykroyd, and of course, the great Chevy Chase. But you know, I enjoy the current cast so much with what's his name and that other guy, and the black guy. I think they're great. But it's the women of Snl that I enjoy the most. I'm thinking of Rachel and Amy, Kristen, Tina. but I'd like to welcome back Maya Rudolph. this is her first show back since October.
Maya, Maya. unbelievable honor to work with you. you have no idea. I'm just such a huge fan, and I mean, since I was a kid, you're one of my absolute heroes. Okay, well, thank you. thank you for coming by. you know what? let's just keep this moving. we've got a great musical guest tonight. it's Prince is here, so stick with that, and we'll be right back. |
SaturdayNightLive | woody_harrelson_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Woody Harrelson! thank you very, very much. Hello, you beautiful people. And you ugly people, too. No, I just, uh, this country seems so divided. beautiful, ugly, Black, White, Blue, red. I love everybody. maybe because I'm a redneck hippie. you know, the red in me thinks you should be allowed to own guns. the blue in me thinks squirt guns. So, I'm red and blue, which makes purple. Uh, I'm purple.
So, this is my fifth time doing Snl. and you know what that means. no jacket, Okay. the last time I did Snl was around Thanksgiving 2019, three years ago, and you will not believe what happened after the show. the next day was a Sunday, as it always is the day after I do Saturday Night Live. it's like a pattern I noticed. Anyway, I went walking in the greatest part of this city, Central Park, leaned against a tree, and started to read the craziest script. Okay, full disclosure, I smoked a joint first. the reason I like herb more than alcohol is because it makes me feel good, no hangover, and I never wake up covered in blood. But regardless, I have decided to quit smoking pot altogether, and I'm sticking with it till after the show. Yeah, last week in Austin, I was talking with my friend Nick, and we have a lot in common. he wrote True Detective, and I was in True Detective. I'm vegan, and all the animals he eats are vegan. Anyway, I was complaining about how I start smoking around noon and get progressively dumber as the day unfolds. forget basic words, simple objects, et cetera.
And I was hoping that the wifey poo might say, oh, no, that's not true. But instead, she says, at least you're aware of it. and I say, well, that doesn't feel like much consolation. And she says, think of all the dumb people who don't know they're dumb. you're ahead of them.
Thanks, Hon. But on top of the herb, are we a bit of a drinker? I don't know why I went Irish there. anyway, but in a personal triumph, last year, I had seven months with no alcohol and five glorious months. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, I was telling you about that script. so I blazed the Fatty, which, you know, I got in L.a. at my dispensary, the Woods. I mean, obviously, I didn't transport the Herb from California to New York, because that's highly illegal. my manager, Jeremy, did. he muled it from L.a. Yeah, he's speaking of Jeremy. he's here tonight. he's newly single, ladies. very handsome. I know he would prefer that. I talk about our movie, Champions. it's coming out in two weeks. comedic masterpiece, but I'm not here to sell Champions. it sells itself. projections have it making more than Avatar, but whatever, I'm no salesman, you know? Where was I? yeah, okay, no. So three years ago, Central Park, Sunday morning, the Lord's Day, trying to resist the temptation to puff too early in the day. of course, I succumbed. like a lot of people, I have a devil on one shoulder, and on the other shoulder, I have a larger, more frightening devil. And there's a battle going on in here, you know? I'm just saying that I am many different things. Anarchists, Marxists, ethical hedonists, nondiscriminatory empath, epistemological deconstructionist, Texan. Whoo!
But back to the tree in Central Park in that script. All right, put yourselves in my place, lay the curve of your neck against the roots of the tree. what kind of tree was it? I mean, what kind of trees they have in Central Park? Oh, yeah, it was a palm tree.
So lay your head on the palm, fire up a Hooter from Jeremy, and start reading. Okay, so the movie goes like this.: the biggest drug cartels in the world get together and buy up all the media and all the politicians and force all the people in the world to stay locked in their homes, And people can only come out if they take the cartels' drugs and keep taking them over and over. I threw the script away. I mean, who is gonna believe that crazy idea being forced to do drugs? I do that voluntarily all day long.
Anyway, it's about that time. stomach Jack, Okay. well, we got a great show for you tonight. Jack White is here, so stick around. we'll be right back. |
SaturdayNightLive | devil_can_t_write_no_love_song_snl | She's scaring over a bowl of dreams. Thank you. Why are you at work? Oh, hey, honey. can we sit down? I want to play you this song. why aren't you at work? I got fired. What?
I don't need that stupid job. this one's the one. you are pathetic, Milo. you're a talentless loser, and I'm not supporting you anymore. Send me a note when you win a grammy, jerk. fine. fine, leave. You see, I'm going to be big. You see, I'm going to be a big loser.
Man, I'm never going to go anywhere without a hit song. Dude, I would sell my soul for a hit song right now. I am Lucifer, and I have heard your request, and it shall be granted. Do you, Milo Jenkins, truly wish to render your soul unto me in exchange for the success you crave? Yes, sir, I do. I mean, if I could have one hit song, I know it'd solve everything for me. it shall be done. Now then, forsaken Soul, open thine ears and slake thy thirst on the music that can force kings to their knees and oceans to boil. Behold, the song that'll take you to the top of the charts.
All right. there's a guy named Fred, and he's got a pair of slacks. ooh, Fred's got slacks. real, quite sharp, but they're a little tight in the waist. Ooh, Fred's got slacks on the boulevard. hold on a second.
I think it's out of tune. Man, I mean, I don't want to miss you, but that sucked. I said the guitar was out of tune. sorry. it wasn't my fault.
Ok, ok. Fred's Slacks is a winner. But fine. here we go. I'll give you another one. Ok. behold, a fiendish masterpiece for the boughs of hell. Yeah.
Mondays for a hit, Mondays, they make me be so steamed. weekends, I go for the weekends. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, son of a bitch. is it human in here? Because the guitar keeps getting out of tune. what kind of guitar is that, man? it's a hell-spon mixture of the boughs of fornicators and the sinew of thieves and gluttons. it's a Fender. Well, man, maybe we should just call this deal off, because it seems to me that you're just not that good. Oh, really? then where did this tasty lick come from? uh-huh. uh-huh. And on top of it, add this.: Zoinkas, boinkas, I just got bit by the love band. and it's driving me mad. What the hell was that?
Ok, just hold on. I'm just going to jump into one without thinking. no thinking. I'm just going to let it flow. let it flow now. Fast car, on the highway, on the byway, Mr. Robotron. Ok, that's not a good one. I got to move on. I got to move on. you mind if I sit down? no, please, help yourself. can't be so critical. just get out of my head and go. just go. Hey, you, you're a nice guy, put your shoes on, hey, you. Ok, hang on. that's a smash mouth song with just different lyrics. no, it's not. it's hey, you, you, oh, what the frick? cut me a break. this is hard. Well, hey, man, listen, say thanks anyway. but if it's ok with you, I'll just keep on plugging. And truthfully, you kind of made me feel a little better about myself. you know what's hard is the F chord. it hurts my fingers. Yeah, that's a tough one, Mr. Devil. tell you what else is tough. stay it up this light. I'm sure you got to go, So. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I think I got it.
Here I go. Ok. here I go.
All right, I'm leaving. I've embarrassed myself. I'm sorry about this. that's ok. these things happen, you know? I'm kind of tired. is it cool if I leave through the front door? Yeah, just make sure you jiggle the handle and make sure it locks behind you. All right. Ok. take her easy. yeah, you too. take her easy. she's my lady, and that's what I say. hey, that was good. no. no. no. sorry. I'm gone. All right.
Wow. man, this is Devil. can't write no love songs. Hey. Oh, the devil never could write no love songs. didn't seem to matter how hard he tried now. And cause the Devil never got his heart broken. And the Devil never cried. cry. cry. cry. |
cracked | why_hollywood_needs_to_stop_making_teasers | Hey teasers. Sorry to be texting you this, but I don't want to beat around the bush or draw this out. Yeah, teasers.
You already said hi. You don't need to tell me hello to. You haven't given me new information the second time around, and I wasn't clamoring to find out more when you said hi. Hi is not a teaser for hello.
That's just another abbreviation.
This is what I wanted to talk to you about. I'm breaking up with you. I just can't handle this crap anymore.
A little while ago, you released this image for the new Bond film. The following day, you released this. Aside from the fact that you're teasing a teaser poster, they were the same goddamn thing. Same logo, just with the known title added underneath.
I wasn't.
It happened with the Daredevil teaser, too. You released 40 seconds of a Daredevil teaser trailer and call it a teaser for a teaser. Then, the next day, you released ostensibly the same trailer with 20 extra seconds of footage. Actually, I didn't watch them for days because I forgot there was the full teaser to see the next day because the teaser teaser was an acceptable amount of teasing. You created hype when you released the teaser teaser, but it served the same function as a regular teaser, so by the time the real one came out 14 hours later, nobody cared.
Obviously, you think everything you say is so ducking important. Teaser poster coming tomorrow. You downloaded a stock image of a bullet hole in glass and you picked a font. You think that's worth teasing? You used to be so cool. You withheld enough to create an air of mystery.
You showed me enough to get me excited, but you didn't ruin the entire film or make me feel like I wasted my time. Do you remember the teaser for Alien? It was a minute long, and it didn't show a moment from the actual film. It just had spooky music, some creepy shots of a big weird egg, then the egg cracks, glows inside, and you see the tagline, in space, no one can hear you scream. Perfectly teased.
I didn't say that, and I don't.
Now, let's look at the teaser for Aliens. Shots of the planet, shots of the ship, shots of every character, shots of every character scared, running from aliens, shots of aliens, shots of the characters finding a little girl, running with a little girl, protecting a little girl from aliens, shooting fire at aliens, and Ripley in a mech suit. That's the whole movie. Teasers, you showed me the whole movie in order.
Stop it! Stop saying parts of sentences and thinking it's teasing a full sentence.
Teaser posters shouldn't be less than mediocre fan art with the name of the movie on it. They should be artful, meaningful, and make me wonder about the film. Teaser trailers shouldn't just be the official full plot trailer with 20 seconds cut from it.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of you. We're done.
Hello. Ooh. I can't wait. |
dropout | dave_koechner_shot_will_arnett | Thank you for breaking bread with me. My pleasure. You know, let's do a scenario. Great.
You and I are best buddies, but we are... Now we're in a war, in a battle. Are we on the same side? We're on the same side.
And you get shot with friendly fire. Whoops, it was me. I'm not very good with this gun. How quickly do you forgive me?
So we're out there. We're separated from our... So none of our guys can see us.
Oh. So I go down. So you shoot me and I go down. I'm like, oh, my God. And I say, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Do you forgive me now?
I say, come here. Come here. And you lean in. I lean in.
Bang. All right. That's the answer. And I cover your body. And I call for help.
And they're like, where's Kekner? I'm like, I don't know. I didn't see him.
All right. I love playing the scenario game with you. Me too.
It's the middle of the night. There's an intruder in your home. You think there's an intruder. Right. It's me. What happens to me? An intruder comes into your house. What's going to happen to me? I'm an intruder.
I always worry about that, to be honest, because if I hear a noise or something, I get up out of bed. But I always sleep in the nude. I used to be worried about that.
And I now figure that's my advantage. Yeah. Because if I come down the stairs and there's some cap burglar there. Right. And you're full sail. He's out. Dave, I'm a sociopath. Wow. That's quite a confession. I am.
And I'm undiagnosed, man-depressive. Highs, lows.
You're a new dad. I'm a new dad.
How does life happen? And my kids have asked that. They're curious. How does life happen?
I like to do a little something, Dave. Mm-hmm. Close your eyes.
Okay. And I like to take people to a real happy, innocent place. All right. Where everything is great and innocent.
And when I say one, two, three, I want you to open up one, two, three dolphin eyes. How good does that feel? It does feel really good. Like a freaking dolphin. That's bliss right there. Fisherman's neck. That's life. |
dropout | we_review_airbuds_oops_i_mean_airpods | Hey, it's me, Handy Dan, what's up guys, Handy Dan here about to open up my new Apple wireless headphones, the AirPods, okay let's crack it open, now we're cooking, the added way to the cord is what makes them fall out of your ears, that's something to think about. The first step is you'll want to fully charge your new earbuds, or I mean airbuds, or AirPods, excuse me, from what I've heard the typical charge is around five hours so you want to fully do that before you get started, luckily you know Dan did it, so with your earbuds or AirPods, what are they? AirPods, tough name, kind of a you know tongue twister, anyways, as you can see with the earbuds, AirPods, some people are worried that like they'll lose them or like they won't fully charge them and they'll run out, I think it's just about getting used to your earbuds, or what the? AirPods, come on Dan, why are they called pods? An iPod was a thing that held music that you would connect to earbuds, now they changed the meaning of buds to pods, so now these are iPods instead of buds, or no, AirPods, AirPods? Are they iPods? What have I been calling them? Wait, I'm going crazy right now, I'm fine anyways, so with the earbuds, ear pods, no, AirBuds, pod pods, hot rod pods, ear rods, earbuds, earbuds, earbuds, earbuds, keep pods, ear pods, ear rods, I read pods, ear rods, ear rods, why would you just call them wireless earbuds?
Ahh, you're a fraud Dan! That's all the time we have on Handy Dan's tech review. Join us next week when we get our hands on the iPod 7c, I mean, 7a, 7, no, iPhone, no. Ah! Ugh. You? We're not worthy, we're not worthy. Ah!
Bum bum. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum.
Ski! Hello? Airpods. Hi, it's Zach from College Humor, thanks for watching.
You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
dropout | what_sex_with_the_coen_brothers_must_be_like | Wait, what? It's over? That's the end? Alright. I need to talk about this because that was great and then it was just over.
Like really great though. I mean I bet you do this like once a year. You guys deserve an award for that. In a variety of categories. Honestly I don't even know which of you deserves more credit. Oh, it's cool. Share the credit. That climax was so beautifully shot.
Some of it went a little over my head though. Some on the wall I think. Okay, wait, wait, wait. All the stuff that you guys were doing with the pussy, was that supposed to mean something? No. I'm reading too much into this, right? I am, I am.
Is it okay that I laugh? I mean, you were trying to make me laugh, right?
I loved the music. Like maybe even more than I loved the sex.
Some guys are intimidated by period stuff. But not you. Oh brother.
At times it felt like a dream. Or was it a dream? Or wasn't it a dream?
Nope, I'm reading into this too much. I'm reading into this, I'm sorry.
I should have fucked you with a friend. Because then I'd have someone to talk about this with. I think my friend Katie fucked you. Your outlook is bleak.
But he really made sure I got what was coming. A lot of cum.
Okay, you know what? I think if I'm gonna really get this, I need to do it again. You wanna do it again?
Oh. Fate is cruel.
Okay? Spit the old pen to paper, right? So? |
cracked | proof_han_solo_is_sort_of_an_idiot | I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other I've seen a lot of strange stuff But I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything You've never seen anything not even 18 years ago when you were 12 years old and Jedi were currently protecting the entire galaxy Not even went up until 18 years ago. Jedi protected that galaxy for thousands of years No, that's not it. Not even when you no doubt Interacted with at least one person over age 40 who could tell you a story about the millennia long history of the force and the Jedi Knights All right, don't lose your temper. Were all of your schoolteachers Wookiees?
Oh, wait, you can understand those Ah, Toro, he's gonna be a Wookiee. Speaking of unintelligible creatures you can ride Your ton-ton will freeze before you reach the first marker. Then I'll see you in hell Now first of all, Han Solo Loner whatever you say George the echo base officer was warning you for the ton-ton not for you Your ton-ton will freeze he said after first of all hell Are you telling me you don't believe in the force? But you believe in a realm separate from your own that is full of fire and sulfur and suffering and pain that you deserve I understand that I'll see you in hell is a common phrase far far away from Han and many years later But we have no history of mystical soldiers with magic bugs in their blood patrolling the galaxy without the minute Laureans Life cannot exist of the religions in Han's world Jediism is clearly the one that guessed correctly in that one can see empirical evidence of it It's the science of religions and Han is the religion of religions But I ain't crazy faith is important and personal and everyone has the right to their own I find your lack of faith disturbing But when an all-powerful force binds penetrates protects and speaks by enchanted Beatles living inside you clearly You need to rethink the whole fiery pit of pain thing at this point Maybe Han never heard of a Jedi solo is kind of an idiot I can imagine quite a bit the only other people who say the word hell in the original age are Han again And an isolated traditionalist who's clearly in denial about his force using stepbrother who turns into Darth Vader Those units in the soft range repaired by mid-day or they'll be held at bay And what's more idly re Han being dumber than we think he probably doesn't actually know what a parsec is It's a ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs A parsec is a unit of distance which means Han Solo is claiming that in the millennium Falcon he traveled a distance shorter than the distance it is according to the expanded universe This is explained by Han flying so fast and close to a black hole that he cuts light years another unit of distance George off of his trip due to time dilation Han experienced about half a day But the galaxy experienced about 40 years This means that Han was a teenager before Anakin Skywalker was ever born and he started the Kessel run while Obi-Wan was in training AKA during a time when Jedi were plentiful and known of when the Kessel run was over after just a dozen hours Han arrived to a galaxy where the Empire was trying to crush a rebellion and all the Jedi that he totally would have known About are gone really cool theory in retcon actually But I've never even heard of the expanded universe and I do not support it So I propose an alternate and honestly much more likely theory. He just used the word wrong I don't know where you get your delusions laser brain Han Solo like George Lucas didn't know any better and just thought it sounded cool Me too also Han you seem to have willfully chosen to not escape from the carbonite chamber on Cloud City that last clip was Han I knowing his way into the hearts and vaginal canals of girls and boys across the globe and look ma no hands Hands hands and arms are all clearly tied as he's lowered and the chamber is activated But we all know that Han Solo and carbonite looks like a dead cockroach looking for a smooch So at any time Han could have escaped his shackles But he just kind of forgot until the last second because he's not the brightest star in the wars He's too busy telling Leia. He knows something to use his amazing ability of escaping shackles easily That's you This theory is further supported in the extended universe when Dash rendar is captured by Kyle Katarn and Vice General Thrawn in a plot To wipe out the force warlocks on Han's home world Jumbie Jumbie, which is in the Lando system Lando system Yeah, there's not a system. He's a man. Anyway during the war Han learned how to escape shackles And it took him 15 years because he's a dummy half-witted Scruffy-looking Nerf herder expanded universe my point is that hands mild dumbness made him forget how well he can super humanly undo shackles Shame he brains so lame during that one important time No, no the other time No, no, no, not that one That's the one Han Solo really cool pretty funny, but honestly kind of dumb like Star Wars Hey, thanks for watching two to ten minutes of me talking about Star Wars probably Be sure to leave a comment letting me know how wrong you think I am and also Any new theories that are interesting or fresh about Star Wars that haven't been said a million fucking times on the internet already Because this is getting really hard and we just sort of have to keep turning out new things and so the Star Wars and Star Wars And stars and stars and it's been decades and what else what else is there to say Luke uses the force. That's interesting anyway Like the video leave a comment and subscribe and you're gonna watch Star Wars again. It's gonna be really great |
dropout | the_six_ways_you_ll_see_your_dad | This is you at age five, and these are the six ways you'll see your dad. You're definitely going to beat him this time. How does he do that? Of the ten people you've met so far, he's definitely the best. He's strong enough to open the peanut butter with one hand. Agile enough to get the straw into the Capri Sun without bending it.
And smart enough to know the answer to pretty much everything. Dad, how much money does the president make? A billion dollars, son. Everything.
We're not talking about the good type of clown. Oh, hey, buddy. Want to lift home? Hop in.
Because there are no good types of clowns. They're all weird and unfunny.
And so is he. His wardrobe makes cartoon characters look stylish. Carrot Top thinks his jokes are a little broad. Sometimes he dances. Oh, Jesus, he's imitating the waiter's accent again.
The only thing that could be worse is if... And the chopsticks are up the nose. You wish somebody would just shoot you right now. You dread, son. You think you liked him better with a red nose. He's like Darth Vader, Hitler, and the Reverend from Footloose all rolled into one.
He never lets you do anything. You're forced to work his land and obey his ridiculous decrees. You're pretty sure even serfs could stay out past nine on weekdays. You want change. If we all stop eating, he has to let me go to work tomorrow. But you're not sure your fellow revolutionaries can be trusted. Nobody in the world has it as bad as you. Then you realize your dad's not a dictator.
He's an L.L. Bean catalog. All right, son, this is it.
You're going to be different. You're not going to sell out. You're going to read books. Have interesting conversations with interesting people. You have tuna fish and water, and then you have tuna fish and oil. You'll be the millionaire astronaut rock star that he never was.
You don't even know why he keeps that stupid job. Hey, Dad, I think I'm going to need to go to summer school. Okay, so you might be in over your head. You didn't make your student loan payment. I need you to work the holidays. I'm not going to fix your hot water.
Sometimes when it feels like everybody's out to get you, it's nice to have a little extra protection. Thanks, Dad. You know he'd take a bullet for you. The least you can do in return is stay out of trouble. Hey, kid, want a free credit card?
Yeah, okay. But no more fantasies.
You feel like you know your dad pretty well these days. Really got a handle on the old guy. Wait, he played guitar? Of all the things you considered your dad, a person was never one of them. Maybe it's the letters or the diploma. Or maybe it's a these, but you realize he's a guy. A guy who's had fears, desires, hopes, disappointments. He has no idea what comes next, but he's doing his best to figure it out. He's you. |
TheOnion | Russia_Applauds_America_s_Efforts_To_Exclude_Gay_Athletes_From_Professional_Sports | The first time I saw the Olympics, I was very impressed by the fact that the Russian people were very proud of us. They were very proud of us. But this is not just the Russian people, but also the people who are the first to come to the United States. The first time I saw the Olympic structure and the experience of the Federation was very active. Our president was very impressed and very proud.
In the professional sports of America, there is no sexual assault on the club.
There is a lot of pressure on the players, the footballers, the basketballers and the basketballers, but there is a lot of pressure coming up. But there is a lot of pressure on the footballers, the basketballers and the footballers, and a lot of pressure on the players.
The world is not a place of sexual assault on the club. America is not a place of assault. President Obama is not the place of sexual assault on the club.
He is a place of sexual assault on the club. President Putin and the American private sector in the US are the place of sexual assault on the club. The basketballers are the place of sexual assault on the club. The players are the place of sexual assault on the club.
As a result of the violence, we are the place of the most dangerous. We are not Americans. We are the place of the most dangerous, as I do not want to talk about how great sports are. We are not the place of the most dangerous.
How is that?
You know that America is a place of sexual assault on the club, and it is not a place of war, but it is a place of a fantastic game. If you have a limited time, you can go to the American private sector in the US, and you will find that the players are the place of the most dangerous, and they are the place of sexual assault on the club. I do not think that the American private sector is the place of sexual assault on the club.
You are not the place of the most dangerous sportsman. You are the place of the most dangerous. My brother, Dorem, Nike, McDonald's, Coca Cola. In addition, it is not a place of the most dangerous in the US. If you have a limited time, you are the place of the most dangerous American sportsman, and you are the place of the most dangerous in the US. You are the place of the most dangerous. In the United States, the US is the place of the most dangerous. President Putin is the place of the most dangerous. We are not the only American in the US, but the great sport. In the US, the world is the place of the most dangerous in the US, as the title is called. But we will continue our process. In the first round, the United States' Edward Snowden will be the place of the most dangerous American sportsman. |
dropout | grant_forgets_he_sucks_hardly_working | What was I doing just now? Where am I?
Oh, like Memento. I love that movie. Of course I did. It's a great movie. I have great taste.
That's impossible. How could I have predicted it? I don't know about that.
Why do I feel like shit? I have pain all over. I must have been assaulted. I gotta call the police. But how did I know I would fall on the ground to see that note?
Does that mean I'm a fuckup? No, you're a spell drawer. It's possessive. I have a fuckup. What could that mean? I can't be too much of a fuckup with a boyfriend who looks like this. What am I doing with it then? That's really disrespectful to whoever I'm dating.
Well, that's impossible. I'm famous. Mr. Popular, I'm blowing up. Impossible. I'm famous.
Why do you have so much ranch on your desk? Who am I? You're Grant O'Brien and you like what you like. I'm Grant O'Brien and I like what I like. The fuck is going on here? Hi, I'm Raphael from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD. Thanks a lot. I really hit the spot. |
SaturdayNightLive | spade_in_america_unabomber_saturday_night_live | And now, Spade in America with David Spade. Thank you. good evening. nice to see you all again. I haven't seen you for a while.
Well, this summer I did what I do every summer. I worked as an intern at the Mexican border doing cavity searches. no pay, but you see the world. And just like you, I sat back and watched the cast of Friends' monopolized show Business. leave some for the fish, right? what?
But that's not why I brought you here. I'm here for a more serious reason. talking about the Unabomber. Right now, I have a message for the Unabomber, in case you're watching. No cops. I'm not miked. just you and me, pal. two guys talking. Unabomber?
I think I speak for all of America. When I say, you're coming off gay. I mean, look at you. Seriously, buddy, the hood, village people mustache, and the blue blockers kind of scream out, i'm not crazy about chicks. if you want that image, fine. but if you don't, you need a makeover and pronto. believe me, I know how it feels to be mistaken for gay when you're not, but I turned into that skid, straighten things out. And if I had to pick anybody you remotely look like, it would have to be Little Richard. And that's not helping your straight case.
Here's a tip. First thing you do, change your name. make it something really cool, like the terrorist formerly known as Unabomber. that's based on the artist formerly booked on this show, but flaked on us. by the way, give me one second to get this off my chest. maybe Prince should change his symbol from this to this. big old cornflake. flake. Prince is staying home tonight, kicking back in his cereal bowl. feet up on a purple spoon. spice stash coming in, man. Ok. get milk on my scarf, all right.
Listen, you're lucky you didn't come by, because you would have been warmly welcomed with a five-finger sedative from Ds. Oh, yeah, strictly over the counter. no prescription necessary. the doctor is in.
I'm getting a little sidetracked, Uni, back to the subject. All right, there's a million ways you can go with this thing. you're on the front page of every newspaper in the world. you got to cash in on your image. start by doing endorsements. simple Nike hat, right? in your wanted poster, get your six figures. everybody sees that picture. I don't think you get it. you're the Unabomber, man. you got juice. Problem is, instead of using your powers for evil, you could easily use your powers for good. you could begin by stopping all the new shows on the Warner Brothers Network.
Seriously. let's put that frog to sleep. Hello, my baby. Hello, my ex. what'd you put in my fly?
Exes. But that's another commentary. at least use your status to get women. they love power. even I've told girls I'm the Unabomber. Believe me, it works. lately, it works better than saying I'm on Saturday Night Live, that's for sure. according to the Fbi, whoever you are, you're angry, frustrated, and mad at the world. Well, that narrows it down to just about everyone I've ever known, seen, or met. here are a few suspects the authorities should take a look at. Sylvester Stallone. he's made two bombs, I know of. Judge Dred in America and Judge Dred overseas. he's what we like to call an international terrorist. And Colin Powell. could be. I don't know anything about him. no one does. that's why he's so attractive to voters. it's like the beautiful girl you see walking down the street. think she's perfect till the first date when you find out she's a part-time waitress at Hooters. tattoo on her ass, blowing bong hits in the cat's face. Good. And of course, all these suspects are not to be confused with the Yanni Bomber. Listen, people. people fear you because they fear the unknown. The bottom line is, whatever you call yourself, Unabomber, I like to screw in a bomber, The Horton here's a hunabomber, It doesn't matter. it's up to you, I'm just trying to help you out.
I'm just a buddy. you wouldn't blow up a friend, wouldn't you? See you next week. |
TheOnion | Congressman_Demands_To_Know_Who_Left_Fish_Sandwich_To_Rot_On_House_Floor | For over 200 years, congressmen have had the honor of serving our nation here in the hallowed halls of the Capitol.
Truly, this is the House of the People, which is why it disgusts me to no end that someone would leave a partially eaten fish sandwich in the middle of the House floor. Now let me be blunt. This sandwich looks and smells terrible. It must be thrown away immediately.
My friends and colleagues of the 111th Congress, I am a reasonable man. I do not address you today to crack down on the eating of sandwiches. Some of my most treasured memories involve eating a sandwich. And I have personally taken steps to promote an environment here in Congress that allows for the eating of food in the chamber in a mature and responsible way.
But this permissive food policy is an arrangement that only works when we work together. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.
And someone among us has decided to ruin everything by leaving that disgusting sandwich rotting on the floor. This unknown fish sandwich eater does not have the courage or the moral fortitude to speak up and say, yes, that is my sandwich. Now how hard is it to throw a sandwich away?
I ask you, how much time would that process take? My estimate is no more than six seconds. Now, would you enter the home of one of your constituents and place a rotting fish sandwich on their floor so that they could see it every time they walk in? It seems unlikely that you would.
But understand that this is the gesture that you have made to your colleagues.
Perhaps this is the game for you. But I don't think it's a very fun game for the rest of us, especially because it's one that we never asked to play. Perhaps I just don't know the rules of this game. Maybe you could explain them to me.
Now, do you still want this sandwich? Please, help yourself. Perhaps you didn't want to throw it away because you planned on finishing it later. Then dig in. I beseech you. But do the American people a favor next time. Don't leave a putrid, vile fish sandwich sitting out on the floor of their house. I now suggest that somebody can take care of a certain item that needs to be thrown away. |
dropout | real_life_sorting_hat | Sorry, what'd I miss? Not much, they're just about to start this sorting hat. The what?
When you were kids you all could be the very best of friends. But now you are all teenagers on clicks you will depend. The hat is singing. I know, isn't it cool? So put me on and I will tell if the next few years will be the best time of your life or awful drudgery.
Jeremy Anderson. Hmm, jock. With your team you'll rule the school like a teenage illuminati and the girls will all agree you are a stone called hottie. Nice job Jeremy.
Shut up! Wait, a hat tells us who to hang out with? We couldn't have a bunch of hormone crazed teens fighting it out amongst themselves. Let's just be irresponsible. Have you read Lord of the Flies?
Jessica Andrews. Hmm, popular girl.
Though now she's plain and has no shape, mother nature knows no rest. She'll soon be tall with flowing hair and huge and awesome breasts.
I'm on Facebook. Alex Brent! Hmm, tough. Not quite a geek to be sure, but close. Ah yes, burn out. Phamax Bentley. Rich kid. Frank Cafferty. Nerd. Nerd, but why?
Each test and quiz will fall before you, victims of your knowledge. But when it comes to getting laid, you'll just have to wait till college.
I'll take anything. God, feeder kid. My mom said I was cool. Screw this. I'm not going to let anybody, especially some hat, tell me who to hang out with. Clicks are awful, shallow ways to define ourselves, and nobody hears. Jock! A little boy they called you Slim, but a change you can expect. With the magic of testosterone, mush will turn to rock hard pecks. Set the clicks. Shove it, nerd! |
TheOnion | Nation_s_24_Middle_Class_Citizens_Glad_To_Hear_Obama_Looking_Out_For_Them | The entire world surrenders to North Korea. The resigning Pope Benedict announces he no longer has the strength to lead the church backward. And a flock of suicidal geese drink up the courage to down a jetliner.
This is your opportunity to see roughly 40% of your tax dollars at work. It's the Onion Week in Review. Following Tuesday night's State of the Union address, the nation's 24 middle-class citizens reported they were happy to hear the president was looking out for them. A survey conducted Wednesday found that Obama's promise of fighting for the best interests of middle-income Americans resounded with Stephen Bradshaw, Paula Davidson, Laura Chen, Wyatt Baxter, the Wiebel family, and the 15 other people still comprising the middle class. It really means a lot to us that Obama wants the best for the middle class. I mean, Rob, Jennifer, Mike, all of us really need our voices heard.
On Tuesday, Sony released the Nasal HD 340s, a brand new pair of high-quality nosebuds designed to let users blast different scents into their nostrils. In addition, Sony launched its new online aroma market, offering over 22,000 different smells for immediate download and inhalation, which company executives claim will revolutionize smelling. I can't wait to get mine. I mean, I love the smell of pine cone, but my roommate likes the smell of toast. And now we can just smell our own things in peace. Plus, I want to carry this big bag of stuff I like to smell everywhere I go.
On Valentine's Day, devoted abuser Matthew Straitchin stopped by his girlfriend's office to give her a surprise threat. Straitchin told reporters that while he doesn't always get a chance to inflict physical harm on his girlfriend, Mallory, he tries his best each and every day to leave her feeling completely scared and powerless. On a special day like today, I like doing something extra malicious for Mallory, you know, just so she knows that I've been thinking about hurting her. I mean, you should have seen the look on her face when I came and surprised her at work today. It was so great. 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds told reporters yesterday that his recent 30-minute rendezvous with a prostitute left him completely and utterly satisfied on an emotional level. Reynolds said his expectations for the $150 sexual encounter with a middle-aged escort were instantly surpassed by what turned out to be a deeply personal and enlightening experience. From everything I've heard before, paying for sex is supposed to make you feel dirty and insecure, but nope. I was in charge the whole time, and actually, I've never felt a stronger sense of spiritual connection.
And in local news, a man's knee is making a weird sound. What? Do you hear that? What is that? In other news, rich white people get a Latino guy to do some work for them, a weary group of Americans land on the bright, promising shores of China, and a shit-caked, urine-soaked man is determined to enjoy his Carnival Cruise. In advance of any potential reports of fact-checking errors, all sources, reporters, and editors involved with this week's stories have been summarily executed. For more, visit TheOnion.com. |
TheOnion | BREAKING_Incomprehensible_Shouting_Named_Official_U_S_Language | Our top story tonight, Congress has passed a bill naming incomprehensible shouting the official language of the United States. After attracting the attention of several leaders in Washington last year, the initiative's political supporters argued for months that the nation should formally recognize incomprehensible shouting as the only truly American way to communicate. But opponents say the legislation is unnecessary. Everyone already knows that if you live in America you have to know how to scream and holler. It will make absolutely no sense at all. This is just cheap political point scoring and it's blatantly unfair to those who have come to our country from level-headed, polite societies. The movement started in 2008 with a grassroots organization called Americans for doing it right cause we got it now cause who else right come on. Under the new law, public school classes will only be taught in incomprehensible shouting and government agencies will no longer offer translators to non-shouting speakers. In addition, a new test will be added to the naturalization process whereby potential immigrants must prove they have a working knowledge of incomprehensible shouting before they're granted citizenship. I do export import and many of my clients, they are American. I have to learn to say things like, shut up, shut your goddamn mouth, let me finish and ah, you son of a bitch, ah! The legislation still faces a potential veto from President Obama who favors naming dulcet tones as the national language.
Tomorrow night, the Onion News Network's special report from the Congo continues as we take you inside the bloody unrest in spectacular 3D. We're surrounded by three full dimensions of horrific bloodshed so keep your 3D glasses on cause you never know when somebody could be right at gunpoint right in front of you. A full hour of in-depth coverage of the brutality like you've never seen it before. Spraying blood, machine gun fire, starving orphans coming right at you. Feel like you're on the killing fields with the Onion News Network's reporters. Feel the carnage. Feel more informed. Devastation in the Congo, a 3D special report tomorrow night at 8, 7 central only on the Onion News Network, the first name in 3D news. |
cracked | why_every_super_bowl_commercial_was_a_nightmare_cracked_responds | What a big game, you guys. I really enjoyed it. You know, a lot of people like the game part of the big game, but I like the ads. Oh, yeah. Me too. What?
Anyways, so let's talk about the most upsetting Super Bowl ads. The TJ Miller Shock Top One was probably my least favorite because I was so excited because TJ Miller's probably the funniest person alive. He can't not be funny, but they managed to use editing to make it seem like he was not funny for the time when they were filming this.
You look like you're about to get evicted from your parents' basement. Oh, really? Yeah. You look like you've recently been evicted from your parents' orange crate.
TJ says something. The orange has a comeback, and then they make TJ be like, oh, yeah, that was a good one. This loser walks into a bar, okay? It's called Right Now.
You look like your pet turtle is the only one you can lean on for emotional support. That's not even a dis. Yeah. It's a harmless pet. Right. The least strange reptile of all reptiles in the world. They probably are like, have a cool pet, like a snake, like we all have.
I think your superpower is breathing heavy. It was like, laugh at all the lines we wrote for the orange. Our orange mascot that looks like an orange slice with hep C. This is like not the only time that it felt like the ad execs thought they were the best character. Like that Drake one, you know, where it was just a bunch of guys giving notes. When you say call me on my cell phone, just add device eligible for upgrade after 24 months. Genius. A little less subtle, Drake. This is the Super Bowl, man. Yeah, come on. You gotta act a lot. Yeah.
I've told a lot of people I'm from Canada, but... I lied.
Also, it seems like both the Drake performance and the Steven Tyler performance were both just the director being like, hey, what if you made it more funny? That is E to the Z, ooh twiddly disgusting. I know you're talking like he would normally talk to a living sheet of Skittles, but like try to make it a bigger... I've had that exact hallucination on drugs before.
Lots of pooping ads. Yeah. Lots of pooping ads.
This was the year that the Super Bowl decided to advertise directly to the three hours of your life following the Super Bowl. The demo for the Super Bowl is everyone in America.
That's what's relevant to their life, is that they need to poop. And taking tons of opioids, which is where the constipation comes in. If you need an opioid to manage your chronic pain, you may be so constipated.
It feels like everyone can go. He's like, hmm, I wish I could be that dog.
Those NFL sanctioned Super Bowl sets. Sex has never seemed less appealing than it did, like as you just imagine, like Roger Goodell over the winning team fans, just being like, yes, yes, make me more NFL fans. What are they actually selling there? Fucking brought to you by the NFL. Your Erections puppet master for 50 years, 50 long years.
How about Puppy Monkey Baby? It moved like a giant carpenter monster. Puppy Monkey Baby, Puppy Monkey Baby. And that thing when it was licking their face, I swear to God, I thought I heard it say, kill me. Puppy Monkey Baby.
Yeah, I mean, obviously the real time advertisement for Budweiser at the end of the Super Bowl by Peyton Manning is the worst one. I got a couple of priorities first. I want to go kiss my wife and my kids. I want to go, you know, hug my family. I'm going to drink a lot of Budweiser tonight, Tracy. I'm going to go have the official beer, the NFL.
Well, no, didn't you guys hear that Peyton Manning just did that organically? And there was no... First of all, OK, there's no way Peyton Manning is selling out. Peyton, welcome back.
Thanks, Papa. That guy was there, by the way. I thought I saw him there right when Peyton won. They gave each other a weird handshake. Right.
Jim Nance made sure to bring it up. I didn't hear the interview you said earlier with Tracy. Can you repeat word for word exactly what you said?
I got a couple of priorities in order. I want to go kiss my wife, kiss my kids. I want to go celebrate with my family and teammates.
And I'm going to drink a lot of beer tonight, Jim. Budweiser. I'm going to drink a lot of beer tonight. Budweiser specifically.
Yeah, it's like, that's not how people talk, right?
Peyton Manning gets a $2 million bonus for winning the Super Bowl from the Broncos. And then analysts said those two mentions he did while everyone was watching are worth $3.2 million. At least. So he threw one interception and talked to Jim Nance once and got $5.2 million.
It was really difficult, I'm sure, for the camera people to hide Jim Nance's erection during that entire interview. He looked tight. Yeah, a lot of tight. He shot the whole thing. They just try to throw the yellow line over it.
I don't know what we got. OK. Hey, guys. Tell us about your favorite Super Bowl ads down in the comments, or most upsetting, if you'd like. My favorite, personally, was that Heinz ad, which figured out that those wiener dogs actually look like hot dogs. Yeah. Did you?
I had never noticed that before. It's like they were encoding my thought. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Angry_Melburnians_NSW_Shocked_At_What_s_Happening_The_Katter_Boys_On_The_ | Good mate. Wendell. Very good, thank you. Looking forward to giving it to these Bedori grubs on the weekend, how are you Clancy? I'm good mate. I'm good. Thanks for watching your play this weekend, I hope you can keep it together, it was a bit sloppy on the weekend, last weekend against Windora.
I lost my head and it won't happen again. You lost your head, you got to lift in those moments mate and it was quite clear, you know, your mind was elsewhere. I didn't do it the right way.
It should be a different result this weekend because Clancy, of course, your eldest son is refereeing this game so hopefully things should be a bit different. Yes, well. Errol, have you got a mask yet? No, not yet. I think it's worth waiting to see what the spread is, you know, I don't think we'll need them up here in the Simpson desert right now. Yeah, we haven't had a recorded case in the Queensland Channel Country yet, Clancy.
I have a few masks, I've got a few disposal ones I got from the chemist but you guys know me, I'm quite environmentally conscious. Well you are a high net worth individual who lives in the inner city so I guess that comes with the territory, Clancy. Yes, which means I've ordered myself a few washable, reusable masks. From Amazon?
No, no, no, Wendell, ever since Clancy chinned Jeff Bezos at the 1999 Met Gala in New York they haven't really been on speaking or business terms. Right, well that was a little bit before my time, that one, sorry. That's correct, that's correct, I won't give that man a cent.
Now these masks I've just ordered online are from Budgie Smuggler, who we all know and love as Australia's premier swimwear brand. What? You're wearing a pair of Budgie Smuggler's on your face like some sort of pervert. No, Budgie Smuggler are making face masks right now, they're 100% made here in Australia. Not just 100% designed here as some less ethical apparel companies like to advertise. Right, do they come in their famous Budgie Smuggler prints, like you can get a leopard skin face mask?
Yep, you can get whatever you want on them. They're fully customisable. So I could put any photo on there, like say for example if I took a picture of my cat's arsehole, they could put it on a mask and they'll jiffy it up and mail it right to me. If that's what you want mate, do it, I reckon they'd do that for you. Maybe we could get some face masks made up for the Baturda Dolphin's upcoming tour of the Melbourne metropolitan area. Yes, I'll make them up for that as well, we'll have to provide the boys with a couple firearms too for that one, I reckon. Well, I'd be getting a few done if I lived in Victoria or New South Wales, you know, and as a free marketer protectionist, I'd rather see my money going to a local business than off to some fucking cowboy. So would I. Well you know where to go, budgiesmuggler.com.au, they're not rip off merchants, they're honest hardworking Australian retailers and manufacturers, so get over there.
What were you talking about before, Wendell, what's the first story? We're going to start off with some national news from our home state of Queensland, and Premier Anastasia Palaszczuk has given the CataBoys permission to shoot the 185 quarantine escapees on site. Yes, the hunt is on, chick chick and boomo, yes the Premier has called in the big guns to deal with the dead shits who decided that it was a good idea to lie to officials and disappear into the community when they were supposed to be self-quarantining as part of the COVID regulations. We believe Robbie and Bob Cata have tracked down a few of them already, and those escapees might have a bit of lead poisoning to go with their COVID-19 now, it certainly is the deadliest game of them all.
Further down south where all of this has come from, and we wrote a story about a man who is not happy with the new mandatory face masks rule. The headline on that story was, so we have to buy our own masks, says Outrage Melburnian who thinks tampons grow on trees. Yes, a Dandenong man named Trent is learning what it's like to have to pay for essential items this week. He says the fact that he has to buy face masks is bullshit, because if he has to wear something for hygiene reasons, then it should be free. Ah, Trent, very Australian of him to be up in arms about an issue when it starts to directly affect him. I wonder if he's changed his tune on the scrapping of the tampon tax, which he previously called lefty virtue signalling. Really Trent? I doubt he's changed his tune in some other angry man news from down in Melbourne, and a bloke sucking back 16 milligram whinny reds on smoko reckons those masks expose you to carbon monoxide. Yeah, that Footscray based bricklayer Craig Norton isn't too keen on the mandatory mask rule either.
Speaking to us over a butter chicken curry servo pie, a litre of double shot iced coffee and a couple of 16 milligram Tina Turners, Craig reckons they're actually a bit dangerous. Not one for the mainstream media, the Facebook educated expert explained to us that the masks make you breathe your own breath, or dioxide, or carbon dioxide. Whichever one of those is the bad one. Yeah, I'm not sure the human body produces either of those gases, but we did have a couple of very good comments on that story. One from Lee Southern, who said he reckons Craig would probably have drilled in the mask for the nerve rods to slide through innovation at its finest.
And Paul Baird, who said if you can handle lunging down whinny reds, COVID doesn't stand a chance. Oh, that is extremely dangerous advice there, Paul. But I'm sure there's plenty of Melburnians who will take that if it means they can avoid taking this COVID thing seriously. Well, Dan Andrews did say 90% of people who are getting tested down there in Melbourne are not following the rules at all.
Disgusting. Anyway, we'll move on to our next story, which comes from a bit further up north in Sydney. And we have absolutely no idea how this happened, says State, about to get locked the fuck down. Yes, NSW, which stands for Newcastle, Sydney and Wollongong, is dangerously close to a Melbourne-style lockdown, because they, like the Melburnians, seem to have had a hard time doing the right thing. That story was written, of course, after more images and reports circulated of Sydney sliders cramming into pubs and venues, ignoring social distancing and generally not taking this deadly virus too seriously. Doesn't look good down there at all. And while we do usually like to finish on a positive note, we aren't going to today. Unfortunately, we've got a bit of a sad local story.
That is, Mum rocks back and forth in the kitchen corner as ABC iView auto plays yet another episode of Peppa Pig. It's a familiar story to a lot of parents out there, and it sends a shiver down your spine, this story, doesn't it? Yes, the mother we spoke to said she's had more than enough of the popular children's TV show, which is not about local police officers. At the time of press, the mum explained the show had seemed to have been on loop for the last 24 hours. She said, the only solace I get is imagining eating the entire family. Well, it's certainly a bit better than what's happening in my household, Clancy. I've heard police tin siven on replay in my living room, and now my daughter has a kiwi accent.
Well, that's a great show. There's nothing I love more than watching people from low socioeconomic backgrounds get profiled and arrested on live television. We all remember the early days of the footy show. Indeed, they were the glory days.
Anyway, that'll do us for this week's edition of the Weekly News Bulletin. Thanks for tuning in. We'll be back again in seven days time, and we'll talk to you then. Goodbye. Goodnight. Hooray! |
dropout | be_our_bachelor | Be our guest, be our guest, eating solo is the best. Use the napkin. You still have sherry from ordering Chinese.
I am old. I am older.
You use me as a pot holder. Try the grey stuff. It's delicious.
Don't believe us?
Ask the dishes. Wake and bake. Paper plates. Heaving time to master bake.
You bought me because you wanted to lose weight. Serious proud of Patrick Slider.
Pull up a chair or beanbag on your lap of cheese rag. Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest. By yourself, all alone, it is hard to cook for one. Try some hot sauce and some mayonnaise on a stale hamburger bun. Please use me liberally.
I count as both fruit and veggie. Everything tastes oh so yum with no taste buds on your tongue.
I tell jokes. I turn tricks. I've seen all these asshole sticks. I smell cause I haven't been changed in a whole year.
Don't try to cook me, fella. It's just so vanilla. Be our guest. You're a mess. You haven't even gotten dressed. Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest. I feel so unnerving when you're constantly converting your recipes and meals to feed a single serving.
All those little guys when we were useful. I think you left your spoon in and it's metal. You bought us lots of sauce. Now we're all covered in dust. You put me on everything. Even food that's not Asian.
If a bit though, I am a cold. You can take around my mold. I'm still good after my expiration date. Also you're told.
Make a treat from last week. And cook hot dogs what a treat. Cereal for every single meal.
We've got a lot to do. Is it one plate or two? Just kidding. You're all alone in a mess. Be our guest. |
dropout | a_420_visit_from_the_weed_man | It's 40! Today's the day! Just wait up! Oh boy oh boy! It's finally here! So excited! It's 4-20! Yay! So we managed to come up and play as luck with all these presents! Schnazzleberry, Dinky Dal, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Alien, it's all here! Because it's exactly what we ordered from the dispensary! And look!
He ate all the dank ass brownies we left him! That's actually way too many brownies!
Oh how I love the weed man so! Oh thank you weed man wherever you are! Where am I? Weed man!
Of all the houses on 4-20E that you could have passed out in! He passed out in arms! Oh hello total strangers!
I have risen for my weed nap! Are you enjoying this special day? Oh we love it weed man! It's gonna be just like every other day! We're gonna get high! Have you all been good little stoners this year? Oh yes we have! We've been such good little stoners!
We cleaned our bowls! And we always share! Even with our friends who never bring their own! Oh that's cool as hell!
Weed man I have an uncle in Ohio who says that weed is bad and that no one should ever smoke it! Is he right? Why do so many people not see that weed is good? Dude your little uncle is wrong!
In this great universe man is but a mere insect in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him! I mean think about ants for a second really just like have you ever really just thought about ants? Like there's this one guy that told me that there's one million ants per person in the world! That is so many ants!
It's like... Weed man can you get back on track? Oh right yeah sorry! Yes dude! Weed is good!
Alas how weary the world would be if there were no weed! There would be no late night pizza deliveries! No jam beans! No one asking important questions!
Like can dogs read our minds? The eternal light which lights each spliff would no longer fill the world and be extinguished a thousand years from now? Nay dude no! Ten times ten thousand years from now? Weed will continue to make glad our hearts and get us stoned off of our asses!
What was I talking about? Have I been talking forever?
Unless of course I get too high before work and I can't go to work in which case it'll be the other guy! Kyle! Hey! That's the spot for me and I'm gonna get in it! Cool couch you guys got here this is great! Oh are you staying? Oh yeah I'm always done to hang! Yeah you guys got video games? Yeah no it just we're so busy today! Yeah we have to clean our plate! Oh cool cool well don't mind me I'll stay out of your hair! Oh look y'all have great taste look at this! This is a really potent indica it's very much a body high it's really good and this this is so good for baking I put these in some late crispy treats and they were so chill and good it's like really nice! Hey it's Jess! If you like College Humor and to support us sign up for Dropout for the low price of a quirky pair of socks that show off your fun side per month you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the Dropout discord and exclusive content like the latest episodes of the erotic book club vodcast there's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe and it gets hot!
It's hot! It's really hot!
Sign up for your free trail today trial that was a typo I don't have any trails to give away I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that I buy land I guess |
cracked | 5_reasons_transformers_rise_of_the_beasts_has_the_worst_autobots_of_all_time_cinemistakes | What's up you guys, this is your boy Steven Spielberg and the host of the show Cinema Stakes, the show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely skewer, okay? We burn to the ground. Like T.J.A. Friday's on a sizzler's plate when they bring it out.
This week we are doing Transformers Rise of the Beast, the new hottest Hollywood blockbuster film and a lot of people are saying, oh you can't skewer Transformers Rise of the Beast, oh they're bringing in Beast Wars for the first time, oh I used to play with the toys and blah blah blah, I don't give a crap. Here are the top five mistakes in Transformers Rise of the Beast. Reason number one why Transformers Rise of the Beast is a bad movie is because it made me realize that you can't trust any animal not to be a Beast War nowadays. Yeah that's right, pretty much any animal. I'm talking squirrels, rabbits, crocodiles, alligators, apes, freaking ducks, all of these freaking animals could be Beast Wars and that's honestly terrifying to me. For example, I've got a dog and my dog could be a Beast War, I don't know that, but probably it's like at any given moment I could be sitting on the couch and all of a sudden my dog is and it becomes a small man walking around my apartment shooting lasers at me and stuff. Plot hole identified, my dog is probably a Beast War. The second biggest mistake in Transformers Rise of the Beast is that maybe AI actually rocks. I'm sorry, the world is wrong right now, everyone's scared of AI being like, oh it's going to be a doctor, it's going to be our lawyer, AI is going to be operating on us.
Yeah, I don't care.
If we keep letting AI do what it's going to do, it's going to be getting smarter and hotter and it's eventually going to not look like big ass chunky robots like Optimus Prime, it's going to look like a hot ass guy or girl or woman. It's not going to be weird to start a relationship with them because they look just like humans. So once that happens, then you can also start a family with these robots and once you start a family with them, you can have like a little baby, like a weird baby robot hybrid. Let's just be real, let's just be honest, okay, be honest with ourselves. Humanity needs a chosen one, half robot, half human to lead us into the future. That's probably what my kid will be, my robot baby kid will be. They will become the chosen one. They're going to lead us into the future, into the galaxy. They're going to be a president of the United States and probably the world, easily the world. They're going to be like Robocop, except if Robocop was hot as hell and look like Chris Hemsworth and that's just the way we're going. Plot all identified, it's not weird to start a family with a robot.
The third biggest mistake in Transformers Rise the Beast is that there are way too many freaking humans in this. Every time the humans start talking, I'm going to fall asleep.
I don't give a shit about your family. Shut the hell up. I don't think you understand.
The Transformers are in a galactic war, okay. Cybertron is literally at war, okay, and Optimus Prime and his crew are not there. There are planets with all kinds of different Transformers on them, robot cons, terabytes, Optimus Primals, the just a regular transformer, whatever. Anyways, there's all these different planets. They're all at war.
Unicron has come for them and now all we give a shit about is the humans. All right. Oh, oh my God, the humans. Oh, why don't we cry for the humans? I don't give a shit about the humans, all right. I say no humans in Transformers movies anymore. I only want robots. I only want them smashing each other. I don't give a shit.
You can make them bone. Make them kiss. That's fine with me. Plot all identified, you can make two robots bone if you needed to.
You know, what do we got next? A Huffy bike and they're going to throw a wheel at you. Oh, let's bring out freaking goop spoot gooter.
And he's like, I'm a roller skater and I'm about to die tomorrow. And I don't know how I made it this far.
And I, they must have gave Optimus Prime the worst team imaginable. Optimus Prime is basically carrying this whole team. He's the only one that's bad-ass by a mile. What the heck is VW guy going to do? The only thing he's good for is Optimus Prime holding him up as a human shield and getting annihilated. And it gives us a few seconds more of Optimus Prime to maybe kick some ass.
Optimus Prime should just join the Maximals and let the rest of them, I don't know, just become carnival rides or whatever is good for them. Plot all identified, the sick old Autobots need to be put out of their misery. The fifth biggest mistake in Transformers Rise the Beast is that there are GI Joes in the Transformers movies now. Are you kidding me? Now you're telling me they are GI Joes in the Transformers universe. There's already enough freaking humans in these movies. We don't need a whole army of GI Joes coming in, a whole army of Cobra people coming in, convoluting things up and making things all confusing with more humans. We don't need it. We need more Transformers, less humans. In fact, the Transformers should kill all the humans and just rule the world and have their own politics.
Although, the more I think about it, it actually could be pretty sick to see Snake Eyes fighting alongside Optimus Prime, Storm Shadow, and Cheetor fighting, or like, Optimus Maximal fighting freaking Ripcord, or like, uh, Cobra shooting a giant Megatron gun. Like, if Cobra was shooting that shit at Duke and Duke was like riding around in Bumblebee and like Bumblebee turned into, like, a bigger version of Duke or Bumblebee transformed into he looks like Vin Diesel. You know what? I'm taking Transformers Rise the Beast off the Skewer stick and we're giving it five stars because the only way this potential movie could be better is if we see Dom Toretto driving Optimus Prime into battle against the freaking Decepticons because that would be sick. This has been Cinema Stakes, Transformers Rise the Beast, five stars off the Skewer stick. Tune in next time for another episode where we skewer Hollywood's hottest films. |
ClickHole | zelda_breath_of_the_wild_is_a_masterpiece_that_proves_japan_could_pull_off_another_pearl_harbor | Hey, everybody. Today we're going to be talking about Zelda Breath of the Wild, the flagship game for Nintendo's new Switch console. Sam, what'd you think? Well, obviously, there's a lot to unpack, but my initial reaction is that Nintendo has produced a masterpiece proving Japan could easily defeat America if they did another Pearl Harbor. See, I got that impression too.
If Japan can create a game world this expansive and beautiful, they are more than capable of bringing the US to its knees with another surprise attack that would make December 7, 1941 look like a fucking quinceanera. It really is an astounding technical achievement. The map is 12 times bigger than 2006's Zelda Twilight Princess, and it looks incredible. It's absolutely stunning. Compare how much the graphics have progressed in the past 10 years, and just imagine how far Japanese aerospace technology has come since 1941.
We're fucked for sure. You know, the entire time I was playing the game, I couldn't shake the thought that Japan must have some truly terrifying military technology that we don't know about, especially when you consider how fun and intuitive it was to use Link's magic spellcasting chicously. Definitely. If you can dismiss the thought of the Japanese flag flying above the White House, it is so much fun to summon bombs to hurl during boss fights. At the same time, though, I sort of think that by releasing this amazing game, Japan might have tipped their hand a bit too soon. So in your view, America maybe has a chance at some sort of guerrilla resistance to the Japanese invaders? It's possible.
Look, there's no denying that Breath of the Wild is a shot across the bow of the United States military and a thrilling adventure that has me excited to play more games on the Nintendo Switch. I think Japan will crush us no matter what we do, but I agree that Zelda is a must-buy. My personal review is four and a half out of five stars, and I only deducted half a star as a token sign of resistance to our future conquerors. I have a wife and children to think about, so I'm going to be giving Breath of the Wild a perfect five stars.
All hail Japan. |
dropout | why_mount_rushmore_is_the_weirdest_monument_adam_ruins_everything | Not the greatest. First, it's actually surprisingly small. The hands are only 60 feet tall, or about one-tenth the size of the Washington Monument.
And it was also never finished. The rubble at the base is just debris from the construction no one cleaned up.
But most importantly, the history of Mount Rushmore is real weird. Oh yeah, I did always wonder why we carved president heads into the side of a mountain. What's up with that? Well, this national monument was actually designed to be a national tourist trap. In the 1920s, a group of South Dakota historians was trying to figure out how to attract tourists to their state. Hmm. How do we get people to come see our big, boring rocks? Huh! We'll carve Wild West legends into them!
Cowboy rocks. Cowboy rocks!
Bit of a leap. Unfortunately for them, the sculptor they hired, a man named Gutzenborglum. Oh, bad name. Well, he had his own ideas. Through this Wild West crap, I shall fill your mountain with presidents, a noble project that will immortalize me, Gutzenborglum. Okay, but then he carved all our greatest presidents. Washington was the first, Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, Lincoln ended slavery and Roosevelt, he liked hunting? And he was friends with the sculptor.
Teddy, you are the coolest. I'm gonna sculpt your face into a mountain. Wow, you're like obsessed with me.
That's the reason he was on the monument, and people were cool with that? They pretty much had to be. Borglum was incredibly stubborn about doing things his way. In fact, his original plan for the monument was a little bit too ambitious.
I'll sculpt the heads, bend their entire torsos, and inside the heads, I'll build a whole of records, and that's where we'll store the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. He wanted to put the Constitution in a mountain in South Dakota? I mean, I love South Dakota, and even I think that's insane.
Yep, Borglum became so obsessed that Congress even threatened to cut his funding. I'm not paying for your passion, Project. Stick to the sculpture or you're cut off, Borglum. But he had only finished the heads when, in 1941, he died. Oh, come on! Since the sculptor was dead and the project was out of money, his workers decided to call it quits. Well, we did the heads and Borglum's dead. Time for us to go to bed. Okay, so the sculptor was a maniac whose name sounds like some Swedish Muppet's death rattle, and the monument was never finished.
That's not so bad. And it was built on stolen Native American land. Yeah, that's worse. In 1868, the United States signed a treaty agreeing that this land would remain part of the Sioux Nation. We've taken a lot from y'all, so you keep this land and we'll stay out.
But six years later, that all changed when General Custer found gold. He found what? It's worth how much?
Sorry. Should've said no take-backs, he's...
It was a real Custerfluck. In 1980, the Supreme Court ruled this land grab unconstitutional, and ordered federal compensation now worth over one billion dollars. The problem is, the Sioux don't want the money. So to this day, it's sitting on hold in the U.S. Treasury. Wait, why don't you take the money? It was never about the money.
We just want our land back. Think about it. Our government broke a treaty, stole Native American land, and then carved our own leader's faces into it. That's such an insult. And for what? So tourists can come see a big version of the heads on our money? I never thought I'd say this, but North Dakota was right. Not much more does suck.
Hey, Adam here. If you liked that, be sure to watch all new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV.
We're going to come see our big, boring rocks. We'll carve Wild West legends into them.
Cowboy rocks. Cowboy rocks!
Unfortunately for them, the sculptor they hired, a man named Gutzon Borglum. Oh, bad name. Well, he had his own ideas. Screw this Wild West crap. I shall fill your mountain with presidents, a noble project that will immortalize me, Gutzon Borglum. Okay. But then he carved all our greatest presidents. Washington was the first, Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, Lincoln ended slavery, and Roosevelt, he liked hunting? And he was friends with the sculptor.
Teddy, you are the coolest. I'm going to sculpt your face into a mountain. Wow, you're like obsessed with me.
That's the reason he was on the monument, and people were cool with that? They pretty much had to be. Borglum was incredibly stubborn about doing things his way. In fact, his original plan for the monument was a little bit too ambitious.
I'll sculpt the heads, then their entire torsos, and inside the heads, I'll build a whole of records. And that's where we'll store the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. He wanted to put the Constitution in a mountain in South Dakota? I mean, I love South Dakota, and even I think that's insane.
Yep, Borglum became so obsessed that Congress even threatened to cut his funding. I'm not paying for your passion project. Stick to the sculpture or you're cut off, Borglum.
But he had only finished the heads when in 1941 he died. Oh, come on! Since the sculptor was dead and the project was out of money, his workers decided to call it quits. Well, we did the heads and Borglum's dead. Time for us to go to bed. Okay, so the sculptor was a maniac whose name sounds like some Swedish Muppet's death rattle and the monument was never finished.
That's not so bad. And it was built on stolen Native American land. Yeah, that's worse. In 1868, the United States signed a treaty agreeing that this land would remain part of the Sioux Nation. We've taken a lot from y'all, so you keep this land and we'll stay out.
But six years later, that all changed when General Custer found gold. You found what? It was worth how much?
Sorry. Should've said no take-back seasons.
It was a real Custerfluck. In 1980, the Supreme Court ruled this land grab unconstitutional and ordered federal compensation now worth over one billion dollars. The problem is, the Sioux don't want the money. So to this day, it's sitting on hold in the U.S. Treasury. Wait, why don't you take the money? It was never about the money.
We just want our land back. Think about it. Our government broke a treaty, stole Native American land, and then carved our own leader's faces into it. That's such an insult. And for what? So tourists can come see a big version of the heads on our money? I never thought I'd say this, but North Dakota was right. Not Rushmore does suck.
Hey, Adam here. If you liked that, be sure to watch all new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
dropout | your_phone_is_dying_ch_shorts | Mr. Trap, I want to let you know that we've done everything we can, but your phone is dying. What? No. No, he had a full charge three hours ago. I'm afraid he's at 20 percent, a condition known in the medical community as, like, basically dead already. Can I see him?
Oh no. Oh my god, I knew I shouldn't have left my charger at home. Oh, you're weirdly hot. Oh, this is all my fault. Oh, no, don't say that. It is, it is.
I had Twitter open and I was taking all those pictures of cute dogs I saw on the street. I'm not even going to look at the pictures, I don't know why I was taking them.
I'm your phone, I'm always going to be here for that kind of dumb stuff. I need to see him like this. Can we plug him in, please? Can we get a charger in here, please? If someone get a charger in here! Mr. Trap, your phone is very old. The only charger we have that would even work belongs to Todd in accounting. Okay, let's get it!
I'm afraid Todd was super weird about loading it out. I understand. How much time does he have? It's hard to say.
With a phone that's at 20%, they could have a happy, healthy life for another two, three, five hours. But sometimes it'll do this thing where it just jumps from 20% to one instantly.
For no reason. Why? Why would they do that?
We don't know. It's what doctors call very annoying. Is there something we can do? Can we do that thing where we, like, close out apps by, like, swiping them away? That doesn't actually help the battery. Really?
I'll check. No. Phone. Come on. No. Phone. Save your strength. I'm a phone.
This is what I do! There are a few things we could do to prolong his life.
Yes. Anything. Yes.
We can put him on airplane mode. That sounds great. We're gonna put you in airplane mode, okay? Phone? Everything's gonna be okay. Airplane mode?
No! It's the only way that we can keep you living. No, I said.
I'm a phone. What kind of life is that?
I won't be able to use any of my apps. Not even Bluetooth.
That's the point of even being on. There's gotta be something we can do.
Can we put him in rice? Let's put him in rice! Come on! Let's get a big bag of rice in here! Just throw him in!
That's for water damage. And even then, does that really work? I'll check. No. Mr. Phone, save your strength. I know what I'm talking about. It's rice. Not magic. Oh, God. Just...
I just thought we had more time, you know? So much I wanted to do. So much I wanted to ask you. Good. You know, you can ask me anything.
How old is Goofy's son supposed to be in a Goofy movie?
I have been arguing with Katie. I just have to know.
Fourteen? He's fourteen years old.
Phone? He was a good phone.
No, I was a piece of shit. I was a piece of shit. He was a good phone. No, I was a piece of shit.
I'm so sorry. I have to take this.
Hello, Dr. Fredericks. Hello. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things.
And send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
ClickHole | 37_dogs_guaranteed_to_brighten_your_day | 37 dogs guaranteed to brighten your day. 1.
This dog is a napping dog. It's asleep. It's taking a little nap. Leave that dog to sleep.
Over here to... 2. Hello, Mr. Dog. Pleased to meet you. You're a good-looking dog. 3. What a dog that is. Look at him. Oh, and look at all these dogs.
It's a little tiny dog. A puppy dog.
13. I don't want to wake up that dog. 14. Sit. 15. Stay. 16.
This dog is making a total fool of himself. He looks a total fool.
Let's leave him alone.
17. Oh, this is what you are like all of the time. 18. When you're at school. 19. When you're at work. 20.
Miss a dog. 21. A husky dog. 22. Hound dog. 23.
Show dog. Best in show. Best in breed.
And oh, who's down here? 5 dogs. 24 through 29. They're sleeping, so we leave them alone. 30. That's a big dog. Crawling with dogs. Dogs covering that dog. 31.
Oh, this dog is going to make you smile. You can't help but smile looking at that dog. The best dog to make you smile. Are you smiling yet? It's a good dog.
Well, 32 and 33. The dog is sleeping on top of the other dog. 34. Check out that dog. 35.
That is not how you beg for a treat. No. Bad. 36.
A scholar dog. A professor dog. How does it know so much? 37. The best dog in the entire world.
Shut it down, everyone. Shut it down. |
dropout | dave_koechner_touching_amy_poehler | We have the lovely and talented, and when I say that, it's true. Thank you. Amy Poehler. I'm very happy to be here with you.
I've known you 20 years, probably, right? Yeah. What year did you move to Chicago? 1993. Yeah. And you were... So I've known you 19 years, I think. Yeah.
You're a hard charger who overcomes obstacles. What have you overcome in your life?
Ooh. It doesn't have to be serious. I can go first if you'd like. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. Amy, it's great to see you. Yep.
You're recoiling from me. I don't know if I am. I'm just trying to... You're recoiling from me. I'm just trying to...
You know, I think of you as my little sister. Oh, that's nice. We've been... This is still weird. Yeah, I really do think of you as my little sister.
Ah. Thank you.
Now, I'm going to ask you to do something, because you're so good at faces. I know you're going to be very good at this.
You know how a shark swims in the ocean. And when you see the shark's eyes open up, they seem what?
They're dead. Right. Okay?
I'd like you to give me dead eyes. Just the deadest, closer eyes. Look at me, open those eyes, and make them dead shark eyes. Shark eyes, please.
And three. Yeah, I'll do it. Okay, you do it. You do it. That is really weird. Yes, you're really good at that. Now you can do it.
That's what a person sees before they die. Okay, I'll give it to you. I'll try to give you dead eyes. One, two, three. Dead eyes.
I think of you as my little sister. Okay. I love you like a little sister.
It's not making it less creepy. Ben Franklin said, what good did I do today? No, he didn't. He did. Doesn't sound like him. Well, he said it. How does it touch you? Do you think that? Well, I don't feel like he said that.
But, um... Let's just... Okay.
Ben Franklin is quoted as saying, what good did I do today? Well, I think that that's good today. To do today. So you don't answer it? I don't know what the question is. What good did you do today? Oh, what good did I do today?
Um, I were... You had to think about it? Yeah. Hold on. We can move on. I, um... I know you hugged those boys. I took my child to a music class today. All right. Your kids, are you worried? They're not going to be musical. No. I'm not worried at all. Are you going to force them to... Yeah. I'm going to force them. What could you talk about endlessly? Oh, just...
So many things.
Um, I'm a little fascinated with chimp attacks. Huh? And what happens when people get attacked by chimps? Yeah. I wonder why that is. Because people's ears and nose and penises get pulled off. I wonder why that is, that that's what you want to talk about. I think if I had to fight someone, I'd have to fight like a chimp, and I'd have to go for their tender area.
Yeah. So you're a fighter. Yeah. Who would you like to fight now? Um, the guy, that guy who plays Sawyer, I'm lost. Okay. And the little kid from American Idol, and the Hollywood Week kid, like that 15-year-old kid, and, um, Jay-Z. Table manners. Which ones do you start? Okay.
Um, I, um, wish I had better table manners. My husband has a little bit better table manners than I do, because he does that thing where you hold your...
Just, just take in a deep breath. It's okay. Deep breath. Okay. |
dropout | the_true_messed_up_story_of_pocahontas_adam_ruins_everything | The real story of Pocahontas is way darker than the animated movie. Let's start at the top. While it's true that Pocahontas was the daughter of a powerful chief, she would never have been romantically involved with John Smith. In this new world, I will find not only adventure, but also love. Because when John Smith arrived in Jamestown in 1607, Pocahontas was only 10 years old. Maybe love is, uh, deeper in the woods. And Pocahontas never saved John Smith's life because no one was trying to kill him. Smith either made the whole thing up or misunderstood a religious ceremony welcoming him to the tribe.
Welcome, friend. The violent native seeks to crush me in his bare-like grip. What? No. Man, this guy is dense.
But the biggest mistake is that John Smith wasn't the hero of this story. Frankly, he and the British were total jerks. When the Jamestown settlers first arrived, Chief Poetan welcomed them and gave them badly needed supplies. That is, until the autumn of 1608, when a particularly bad harvest meant the Poetan people didn't have any more to give. My apologies. We barely have enough to get our own people through the winter. But the British reaction to this was, uh, pretty violent.
Merry Christmas. I can't believe I tried to hug you. The British threatened to harass them so much that Chief Poetan ended up moving to the entire village further from Jamestown, just so they'd be left alone. These guys are the worst. Let's get out of here. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Even if I was an adult, I wouldn't marry that jerk.
Pocahontas ended up marrying the warrior Cocoaam, who she actually liked quite a bit. You know what I like most about you? You didn't violently threaten my people. Meanwhile, back in Jamestown, John Smith, the intrepid explorer, was lighting his pipe and accidentally blew himself up with gunpowder and had to return to England to recover.
What a maroon. So that's the end of the story? Weird? Nope.
From there, things only got worse for Pocahontas. I should have guessed. After John Smith's departure, Pocahontas was kidnapped by another British settler who was also feuding with her father.
You feud with us. We steal your kids. You know what? I'm going to say it. These people are assholes.
While in captivity, Pocahontas converted to Christianity, learned English, and married a man named John Rolfe. From the second I saw you ripped from your family and cultural context, I knew you were the one. I vowed to love you always. And I vowed to make the best of the worst possible situation. That's the British spirit. Then Pocahontas, John Rolfe, and their newborn son went to England on a publicity trip meant to stir up more investment for Jamestown. Come one, come all to look at John Rolfe and his beautiful native wife.
Wait, wait, wait. They used a kidnapped woman as a marketing tool? That's terrible. Yes, it was.
And unfortunately, after this visit to London, Pocahontas died of disease at the age of 21. She'd never see her home or her people again.
How in the world did we get a sweet love story from such a sad tale? Well, for that, you can thank that old exploding sleazebag, John Smith. Because in 1612, he wrote a best-selling account of his adventures that falsely depicted Pocahontas as grown up, beautiful, and into him. And after Pocahontas saved my life, her beautiful adult body embraced me. You're such a hero. You'd never blow yourself up with gunpowder, she exclaimed. This dude also claimed in another book that Pocahontas and 30 other women in her tribe attacked him with a dance and demanded sexual favors. And then things started to get really hot. Oh, yeah, everybody wanted a piece of John Smith.
Me? Oh, what a creep. Creepily influential.
Smith's account became the basis for centuries of mythologizing. And it was those myths that made their way into the animated movie 350 years later.
30 women, sexual favors? I smell a G-rated children's film. |
TheOnion | FBI_Uncovers_Largest_Credit_Card_Scam_In_History_After_Raiding_Visa_Headquarters | 2012 seniors thunder into a local high school parking lot like coalition forces entering Baghdad. A substitute teacher just needs to make it to her car before breaking down in tears, and a college freshman tells his roommate there's no need to hide his masturbation from him. And now a week in review that truly requires no introduction. The nation's students announced this week that they have reluctantly agreed to give the American education system yet another chance, saying they hope educators keep their promises of smaller class size, better school supplies, and intensified efforts to raise the country's international math ranking. The nation's students vowed to give the education system one more shot, despite claiming to have been burned many, many times in the past.
The FBI has successfully executed a raid on the Visa Corporation, exposing what could be the largest credit card scam in U.S. history. According to authorities, the Visa Syndicate for years fooled millions of Americans by issuing convincing-looking credit cards carefully designed to dupe consumers into spending far more money than they had. Investigators believe the fraudulent corporation also lured victims in with enticing rewards programs and free gifts, thereby trapping them in a spiral of debt they could never hope to repay.
According to the results of a groundbreaking new study, 96% of humans would rather be a singing, dancing, animatronic bear. The study finds that a great majority of people on the planet would prefer to trade in their regular lives for one in which they sat on a plastic log, strummed a banjo, and sang songs on a stage with all their goofy bear friends. Respondents also stated that not being a sentient human being with feelings of doubt, sadness, and pain contributed to the decision. In sports, Penn State players and staff are all worried that they're going to be the one to kill Joe Paterno. In other news, Eric Clapton says his next album is heavily inspired by blues music, a man overcomes alcoholism without the help of Jesus, and an outcast student and a lonely teacher have begun a somewhat endearing sexual relationship. And that was a free lesson in top-shelf journalism. For more news, videos, and reminders of your insignificance, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
cracked | 7_ways_gta_v_makes_fun_of_its_own_fanbase_today_s_topic | So, once I had the cops penned in with some scorched up squad cars, I launched a few rockets at them and BOOM! Six stars. Of course, then I had the military on my ass, so I had to ratchet up the mayhem a bit. Several destroyed helicopters and one five mile long motorcycle wheelie later.
I get it. Things that don't matter happen to no one real, skip to the end. I got the six star trophy and I completed all of my side missions. That's it? That's where this story was going? A PlayStation pixel trophy. Yeah. It's not a real trophy that I could show you, so I figured you'd want to hear about it. So I told you. Now I can finally get back to replaying it so I can kill Trevor like I've always wanted to.
You wanna kill me? I think I'm f***ing shocked. Yeah, I'm surprised you left anyone alive.
I saw your ant farm. They were quitters who lived and slept in the dirt like animals.
Alex. Alright. But I couldn't let Trevor die the first time, though. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep his money and all of his things when he died, but then I googled it and it turns out... Yep.
So he's a goner. He's a long goner.
That's her judgment from somebody who made a pyramid of sports cars just to see if the flame physics are realistic when you smash a jet into it. They are not.
And Trevor is an irredeemable psychopath, even by grand theft auto standards. He is weirdly sexually repressed. He gleefully murders innocents. He's constantly endangering other characters because of his ADD. He's an old lady fetish that I find no problem judging him for.
You know he's supposed to be you, right? I understand the gamer, game character disconnect. Yes. No, I mean that Trevor is a matic commentary on gamers. If you had to describe a person with a psychology of the random insane violence of GTA, it'd be Trevor. He's a rockstar's critique of its own audience. I think you're giving a rockstar too much credit. Hey, their game's advertisements feature full-figured women in way too tiny t-shirts licking lollipops like they're not something I'm going to imitate. Trevor is just the result of sequelitis. Every GTA protagonist needs to be meaner and crazier and more violent than the last one, so we buy the game. Trevor is the latest, so he's the most monstrous. That's why he kills Johnny from GTA 4 right in his introduction. The only sentient party on the left is this little bit of brain and the gristle on the end of my boot.
Yeah, but he's also a deviation from a long-running theme of the series. If you look at the five games between GTAs 3-4, every character is based on a classic criminal archetype. There's a New York mobster, Scarface in 80's Miami, a 90's gangsta from The Hood, an impoverished immigrant who's stuck in the Russian mob, a biker gang thug in your classic doomed ex-con. But Trevor has no parallel in history or in pop culture. He is a meth dealer, because bud, he also steals guns, he collects bounties, and he's a non-licensed pilot. And none of those characteristics are from, you know, Whack-A-Doo side missions. All those core character traits are from his cutscenes. He also kills when he's bored or sad or excited or it's Wednesday, and everyone around him is just a soft target, waiting to be slaughtered when convenient. That doesn't make him a parallel for gamers, though. He could just be an individual psychopath, a not stereotype, not a cliche, just a character, you know? Maybe Rockstar's moving in a new direction. But the other two main GTA V characters are just types. Franklin is a gangster just trying to make it in the big city. It's basically CJ from San Andreas without coffee. I'm fortunate that the only two playable black characters both share the same thug-from-the-streets plot.
Not as unfortunate as knowing that most of their lines are written by middle-aged white guys, probably with pleats. Don't act like you don't know what it is, homeboy, yo. Also the other main character, Michael, is a bank robber who's in witness protection and he's too old for this shit. But then he gets pulled back in, right? It's a classic arc. Which is why those are much more obvious, least satirical. Okay, great. So let's say that Trevor is also satirical, right, with his own real-world counterpart. But what?
Well, he lives in a trailer alone. His mother constantly harasses him about his own life choices.
His favorite attire is a stained white t-shirt and sweats. I need to meditate, or masturbate, or both.
It's a pretty cliched stereotype of gamers. Yeah, I think Rockstar is fine with cliches. Look, I'm just a dumb A-list celebrity trying to entertain America, okay? Plus Michael's son Jimmy is a gamer and he's subjected to the exact same stereotypes, right?
He's up there alone in his dark room with his parents criticizing his life choices. F*** you! What the f***? Disrespect a little a**hole!
Then you have to account for Trevor's superpower, right? Being able to take unbelievable amounts of damage while going on killing Spreeze. The other two main GTA V characters have superpowers that pretty much match up who they are in the game. One of them is great at driving, the other is great at sharp shooting. Trevor has a superpower that parallels the way GTA players play GTA. Get the magic powerup and then kill, kill, kill, the end.
Meth. Meth is the powerup.
Is it weird that I'm starting to like him now? Yes, because the last parallel is the torture scene. Oh god, that f***ed me up. Ah, ah, ah! The best way to make a man talk is to stop him being able to talk. You know you can skip that scene, right? Like the game lets you skip the torture. Oh, yeah.
And the fourth time I played through, I absolutely skipped it. I skipped right by it.
Just to make a point. So you know that Trevor likes it. Like he enjoys torturing someone who he has no connection to and nothing really personal against. And you get that with Nico from GTA 4, or really any GTA protagonist, right? Like they all belly ache about oh, how wrong it is. And then they end up torturing someone because of some threat. But Trevor treats torture with a detachment that GTA players treat all the violence of the series with.
And you're saying I'm Trevor? You're calling me your idol, a Trevor? I'm saying Rockstar says you're Trevor, okay, a self-involved, sociopathic, violent monster who is homely. As Rockstar, I think you're great.
Do you like your dentist? You know a good dentist? Do you like your...
Oh. Yeah. You're doing that thing. Hi. I'm Dan.
And we want to say thank you for watching our video. You have anything you want to add? Too true. Let us know what you think about that in the comments and we'll respond to you. Have a great day. |
dropout | independence_day_extended_scene | I know there's much we can learn from each other if we can negotiate a truce can there be a peace between us peace no peace what do you want us to do die that's a little unreasonable isn't it excuse me if we're going to negotiate you should start with something a little more practical but you dying is practical not to us we're talking about billions of lives here billions of deaths actually I can't accept that so what's next I don't know no one's ever not died before I'm sorry must be some way we can coexist does that require you to be living yes then no work with me here what other option do we have let me see let me think let me think shut up shut up shut let me think well I could offer you less painful deaths as opposed to more painful deaths but there's still deaths yeah well I don't have any non-death option you're that convinced that we would agree to die I made up we blew up your White House with a laser beam you saw that right I mean you know that happened I saw it in Air Force One I was in Air Force One I ate dicks we saw your White House and we blew it up for the laser point said match and I'm completely willing to overlook that if we can reach a compromise excellent so you'll die then no no one is going to die okay sure cuz I swore I heard we agree to die somewhere in there I didn't say anything remotely close to that since you're the one who won't accept anything less than death we will probably use our whole military force against you wait wait wait wait you're gonna fight back that is the opposite of dying you're not leaving us much of a choice oh the choice is right in front of you I don't see what the problem is grandpa I mean you're gonna die like tomorrow you got rat face over there crew cut huh short stack you're telling me you guys don't want to cash in your chips I'm giving you an out just give it up no yes no yes no yeah okay seriously yeah you seriously you're being ridiculous you're being ridiculous I agree to die says what that's it this glass bulletproof yes sir I said yes oh that is embarrassing am I right alien host |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cameron_diaz_drew_barrymore_and_lucy_liu_saturday_night_live | This weekend, the film version of Charlie's Angels starring Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu topped the box office with over $40 million, which is almost $7 million per boob. Here now to talk about their movie's success are Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu.
Hi, Jimmy. hi, Jimmy. Hi. how you guys doing, ladies? it's an honor to have you guys here. Oh, thanks, Jimmy. you ladies seem like you became a lot closer since you started working on this movie, huh? Oh, totally, Jimmy. we're like sisters now.
Yeah, pick me up. that's so cute. we all have nicknames for each other. like what? Well, like, um, I call her pooh. and, well, like, I call her pooh. Lucy? I call them pooh, too.
Yeah. yeah. how did this project come about? Well, Drew called me and told me how awesome it was gonna be. like, and I was like, totally. you were so sweet. What about you, Lucy? Well, first they called Salma Hayek, and she was busy. and, um, Jada Pinkett was pregnant. then Denise Richards declined. and then Fran Drescher wouldn't call him back. And I think they were only, like, former people. they called before me. And I was like, totally. We were, like, so glad we got her. Oh, what'd you do? what?
Jimmy. Jimmy. keep the flowing. focus up. keep the flowing. yeah, yeah, uh, ladies, uh, right, um. I do. you have really pretty eyes. Thanks, Pooh. let's call him pooh, too. hi. hi. can't do that.
I heard you guys had to work out like crazy for this movie. Oh, yeah. it was so much work. Yeah, we train five hours a day. feel my abs, Jimmy. they're rock hard. yeah, those are great. it's awesome. really good, yeah. most times, it's like working out makes people lose weight. but it actually made my butt rounder.
See? it's so embarrassing. No, that's not embarrassing. Ok, that's enough. Charlie's Angels, everybody.
Why? I thought you could stay. Stay. |
cracked | is_it_wrong_to_murder_quorators_podcast | Yeah, that's it though. We're ready, right? Yeah, I'm ready if you're ready. Yeah, I'm already amped up. Great. Let me powder my nose if you know what I mean. All right.
I can't perform without it. That's how he has his zany energy. Yeah, that's how I come up with all of my hot eggs. He's like Robin Williams. That's how I know how to read the Quaras right. Is Robin Williams a co-cat? You're back on Quarators, Monday nights. And by nights I mean morning. And it's on crack.com, home of the fact.
We're your hosts, Alex and Jeremy. I'm Alex. And I'm Jeremy.
And every week we're back reading quara.com. Jeremy, is there a better website for questions?
Certainly not, I've found. I don't think so either.
I agree. There's no guests today, so we can really let it all hang loose. Finally, we can be ourselves for once. I'm nervous, I'm going to sweat through my suit. Yeah, ooh. I don't know if people realize how sweaty we get in here.
What was it last week where we took our shirts off? We took our shirts off and we started glistening. The camera stopped. We got out the chairs and we each had huge sweat stains all over our shirts. And we left snail trails. We left snail trails, we were sliding off the stool with these snail trails. Things were getting hot and heavy in the Matt McMuscles episode.
But that's over now and winter has set in and oh baby. Winter is coming. Winter's gonna come.
Welcome to the show. Welcome to Quarators. So we're going to have a lot of fun today.
Also there will be, we won't be putting on airs the way we usually do. Oh yeah. We're not trying to impress anyone like Matt McMuscles anymore. If you want to fart on Mike, go ahead and let it rip. No, don't do that. Something that certainly will not really pick up but I'll know about. Don't do that. And announce. And that's how we'll know. Or if I just get mad at you I'll just be like, Jeremy is farting. Okay, let's be clear.
You've farted on this podcast before. He keeps farting.
I haven't. I drink coffee every episode. Sometimes twice in a row. Because they just have them, it cracked. And it boils through my organs.
Now we asked a great question last week. I cannot wait to follow up on it. Also for listeners at home you should know that Alex is in a suit today.
And it is changing his energy. That's right. He's got kind of like businessman energy today. I learned to put the money first over the holiday break. That's right. And now it's time to go to the bank.
I'm worried Alex is going to leave the podcast because it's like he's become a businessman. He's going to look at our numbers and be like, I should be doing stocks. No, no, no. That's the sound I make when I look at our numbers. It's always just, oh no. Why did I think you could make money from this?
Okay. All right. Okay.
We've got a wonderful question. Fine. A beautiful question. What did we say?
What if Godzilla had a human girlfriend? What if? I think she'd be so kawaii. Yeah. Wouldn't she just be the size of his little thumbnail? I would love to see the movie that's like, you know, there's like that genre of like girlfriends of celebrities movies like Priscilla and um, Godzilla's girlfriend. Godzilla's girlfriend. That's what I'm saying. I would want to see the Godzilla's girlfriend movie where she's just like, Godzilla, you're always working.
And he was just like, we do have the sound on here somewhere and I am not going to try to find it. I forgot. God damn landmine.
Uh, but uh, the other one I was going to say is when they did the JFK's wife. Oh yeah. I can't think of her name. Marilyn Monroe.
No.
Here's my question for the podcast. Is you ever want a tiny girlfriend? Do you ever want a girlfriend you put in your pocket? Just say like, you can tell me my tie is wrong, but I'm not going to stop watching TV. I'll put you in my pocket.
Sure. So for Godzilla, it's aunt girlfriend. Yeah. An aunt size lady. Right. Well, an aunt to a human. Right. That's what I'm saying. But it's not like girlfriend size to go. We're saying the same thing. I don't know. Yeah.
But um, to him, he does not have pockets. So I suppose he could put her on a scale. And that's because pants companies are just, they're oppressing Godzilla. There's no stores for him to use. Why? Where's he going to go? They want Godzilla to have a pocket book.
I'll say it.
All of those scenes where he walks through Tokyo kicking down the buildings, he's just looking for a large and tall shop. Can't find one the entire dang town.
That's right.
It makes a lizard mad. Now speaking of making mad, how are our comments this week?
Um, Jason Ireland says King Kong tried that. He carried her to the top of the empire state buildings and planes attacked him until he fell down. So the same thing might happen with Godzilla.
That's a good point, Jason Ireland. Thank you, Jason Ireland. I like it. It's like almost Ireland, but like you're too drunk to finish. Um, no, here's a good answer from Robert Gross. Okay. Robert says, what if you had a brain?
Hey, blocked and reported in mute. Don't upvote my enemies. This is a malicious trend I want to get in front of. Report. Because I've been noticing it happen. Yeah. I'm reporting it for hate speech. Hate speech and say, you shut up.
Uh, yeah. Send that tag Jordan beaters into that. We'll be back on that. All right. Um, this says you'll be single again.
The first time they tried sex folks. Now there's a lot of ways around penetrative sex. And this is something I've been trying to get into on the show.
Uh, that's right. That's right.
You could just blow fire on a girl. Ooh. Blow her with your own atomic.
You're good at it. Yeah. I've practiced a lot. It's true. I'm not going to lie.
Rob, you ever practice Godzilla voice? He's shaking his head. Can you give us a Godzilla voice, Rob? Absolutely. He's not going to do it. He's not going to do the Godzilla voice.
And we do have specifically this exact sound effect. And I do not know where it went. I think I've talked about this with the podcast before, but many years ago I wrote a pilot. Yeah. I think I've talked about this with the podcast before, but many years ago I wrote a pilot script called Bear Squad that was about superheroes who turn into bears and kill criminals.
And Alex played one of the bears when we did a live show. And I remember when you showed up, your wife, who I never met before at that moment, was like, Alex is really excited. He's been doing bear noises all day.
And you went, rawr. Yeah, well, because I like to, as an actor, every challenge is to become the part, right? That's right. People will draw the line at, well, they call it acting bestiality, but I do not draw that line. And you can see that. If you're listening back home, take a drink because we mentioned bestiality. You can see that in our iTunes reviews is what I was going to say. Also, you could go look up Bear Squad somewhere. I think it's online.
That's enough.
I thought it might be Godzilla. What if that's what he said when his back lit up and then he blew light into the sky?
It's just dead silence.
That's enough. It's just one. That's enough. Yeah. Oh, boy. That tickles me. Okay. A casual reminder, if you must answer our Quora's from the show, please be sure to use the words scrambled eggs. That's right.
This allows us to know that you're just one of the gang. You're just a homie.
Not one of these degenerates on Quora.com, who I have reported to the administration. Mm-hmm. And they are banned and they're blocked.
Okay. Let's do Quora Gone Wild. This is our animal segment. Oh, my God. Is there a tiger in the room? There isn't. It's just another exciting segment. Thank God. This question, is it worth getting my dog baptized? Ooh.
Now, this one I feel like could have gone in the religious segment. I see why you think that. But I think it's more of an animal question. Do we also have a religious segment today? Not this week. It would be funny if we had both back to back, but I put this one in the separate I put this one in animals, for what it's worth. I made the call and I said, this is an animal question. It's not a religion question.
Jeremy, thank you for taking this work seriously. I really do. It took me many hours. I switched it back and forth. I consulted with my lawyer.
Is it worth getting the dog baptized? I think yeah. I think so. First of all, a baptism is just shy of a bath, which dogs do need. You should be cleaning your dog every week. You gotta throw them in.
They don't like it. They think it's rough.
Dog joke.
But you should do it. Any dog's listening. They're smelly little critters and they're going to hell. So if you take the time to get blessed water and throw a dog deep into that pool, surrounding him in the love of Christ, you can maybe get around the universal ban on other animals that aren't humans into heaven and get that dog up in there. That's right. Get that dog up in there. Get that dog's dog in him.
How does dog heaven work? Dog heaven's like not real per se.
What? It's not like human heaven. What?
Which is like on the books. I thought all dogs go to heaven. This is the expression I too am working from. And I think it might just be some crooning lounge singer's line or something. Oh yeah, sure.
Some sheep. Some dogs go to heaven.
Yeah, some Bob Dylan ring. Yeah, it is a movie. Yes, Rob is showing us the movie. We know that. I do know that. I think it's like a T.S. Elliot thing or some shit. Yeah, it was adapted.
This is a great quarrel for really uninteresting information. I do think that the real answer is that animals don't go to heaven, but then the pope told a little kid that his dog could go to heaven, and then a lot of people were furious. Protestant Jeremy has logged on. The pope broke the covenant. That's Catholic. He broke it. Well, this is both sides of the aisle.
I do genuinely. We're live. Podcasting live from Belfast. Continue.
I do love that people don't like the pope. I think that as a non-Christian, it's fascinating to me that everyone's like, this man is the word of God. And then he'll say stuff and people are like, I don't agree with that.
Not that one. He's actually bad at it. Yeah, here's the thing is you don't get to say that about the pope. Yeah, no, you can't.
He's magic. He's literally magic. He literally makes all the rules.
He could just say God told him to do that stuff. There was something recently where the pope, like fired a bishop and this guy on Twitter was really mad about it. And he was like, oh, so the pope can just get rid of whoever he wants now. And people were like, yeah, he's the pope. He's the pope. He's the word of God.
Why don't you go ahead and join the Protestant Reformation? Yeah, exactly. Get your fucking theses out, bitch. Why don't you go ahead and take your theses and nail them to the church door. Nail them to the wall.
Or wall. It's a door, you're right. I'm sorry. What is a door but a wall that you opened?
We're on the same page. We haven't seen each other in over a week. I want the listener to know that. That's important to know. What do the readers of Quora.com have to say to Jay?
Why can I not talk? Me neither, dude.
I think it's like we went home for Thanksgiving and just my brain is done. I know that like if you pour enough liquor directly onto your brain. Is that what it is you think? It continues to function perfectly for an unlimited amount of time. I think for me, my wife has been out of town for like five days and I haven't spoken to anyone. That's a lot of it too. You know what I mean?
I just haven't spoken to a human. I tried to get it going with my small talk with Rob before we started. Sure. But I was so late that I was like I've got to jump into it.
We were refused to do the Godzilla sound. That was so fucked up. I don't know what he thinks he's doing over there. It's too good to do the Godzilla sound.
We simply must continue. Jody Gady says the purpose of baptism is for the one being baptized to make a public declaration that they have made Jesus Christ the Lord and Savior and are now following him.
Your dog has not made this decision and cannot even understand that. So no, it's useless. The animals were put on earth for a man's benefit. So just enjoy your doggy.
I'm rolling my eyes. I think they probably do go to heaven, but I can't prove it. These always go for one sentence after I'm sure they're done.
I feel like if I have a dog, it can understand roll over, sit, food time, walk. Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior and you're now following him. He died for you. Put your finger in his holes. Get off the couch. Get his normal commands. My husband is a dog if that's what we're counting.
Gee whiz. Godzilla sound. I don't think it's on this page. There's a bong. That's enough. Yeah, that's why I hit that one, too, because it's green like Godzilla. Well, guess what? I was trying to say that's enough. Oh, man.
Oh, John Markman says they baptize babies every day. Are you saying babies can understand this?
We're looking at a quora beef. They shoot horses, don't they?
And Jody Getty's like, you're blocked. You're muted. I'm reporting you. Jody's against the baby baptizing.
Oh, for real. Okay, let's get into this. And they're a missionary in Asia. They're fucking living silence. Can I just say that this is why this is in the animal segment? Yes.
Now, why is it wrong to baptize babies? The Bible is clear that we are to believe first and then baptize. Infant baptism is a man-made thing and is useless.
Somebody else cannot make the decision for us. We must make our own decision by following Christ.
I like that it's man-made. The rest is like they just found the Bible.
Jody Getty is getting actively drowned in the shores of Japan. Jody Getty.
Exactly.
Right now, she's tied to a post. Persecuted for her police. She's been the waves hitter for days. Her and Liam Neeson right now are getting killed. Oh, God.
Go see a movie, Silence. If you want to get those references. Check out Silence. Look for Jeremy's cameo. Am I in Silence? No, but wouldn't that be fun if you convinced the listeners to watch Silence?
Because I did it. When did that movie come out?
Jeremy plays a priest. Yeah, I'm one of the priests in Silence, a 2016 film.
I guess I could have been in that. Yeah, sure. I thought it was older for some reason. You got a good heart. Thank you.
You played the Shogun. Yeah, I'm the Shogun.
Welcome to Staff Picks.
Okay, someone else says, Liv says, I've never heard of or experienced this. What do you mean you've never heard of it? Shut up. The question isn't have you heard of it?
The question is dog baptism. Am I doing it or not? I know a lot of Jewish people who I grew up with had a dog bark mitzvah for their dogs.
Is that true? Yeah. That's delightful. Yeah.
I've never heard of this.
When they turned 13. When they turned into a man? Yeah, they turned into a man.
If their dog is 13, it's like legally dead. That's the thing. It's not a human man. It's kind of a fun thing for a dog because it's like, you made it, buddy. Yeah. Enjoy your bark mitzvah. We're putting you in a chair and we're carrying it around. Oh, yeah. The dog's like, ugh. Kill me. No.
Folks, we got there. Still going. I got to be honest, we didn't actually play a sound. Rob just did that. We still haven't found the button. Rob just finally did it.
It's really accurate. There's so much bass in his voice. It sounds like a computer or something.
Okay, let's see. That would be a sacrilege as the water needs to be holy. What? We know this. The water can be made holy and then we'll baptize the dog.
The fuck is wrong with you? Shut up, Louisa, you dumb nurse. Who is getting so picky to stop us from baptizing a dog? Kayla says, what's the actual heck? I have no problem with Christianity, most likely due to the fact that I am Christian myself. But seriously, dude? I have never heard anything more stupid.
You want to submerge a poor dog in water for who knows how long and risk drowning the poor thing? Okay, I'm going to jump in here. You should not drown the dog. Also, again, you should be bathing your dog. Your dog smells bad. It's not a risk of drowning to bathe the dog.
No. You can just do it a little bit. Dogs like water. Just drop them in the water a little bit. Um, anyway, yeah. Animals are not religious, nor should you try to force them into your beliefs.
Please consider putting your dog up for adoption so they can find a home to someone who isn't a psycho. Oh, a spot who's trying to steal my dog. Kayla, who wants to have my dog, thinks she can do what I do.
Yeah. Thinks she can make the dog stop believing my beliefs. Guess what? I've been dog-trinated him. Kayla's thing is that they love snakes. Huh. Cool. It's fun. That's big money. Kayla might be a child. Anyway, moving on. Let's move on to the Quoker. Finally. Okay. This actually segues perfectly into our next segment. I am sorry about that. That's fine. People like it when we fuck up. No, I am genuinely trying my best. Okay, so this question is basically the exception of what we were talking about just before. Is it wrong to murder? Huh. Now, I'm glad we put this in the animal segment. Just kidding. It's the Quoker. The Quoker, if you are new to the show, as you must know, is in cell and manosphere style questions, questions by people who, they're angry and they're on the internet. Yeah.
Is it wrong to murder? This is a basic ethical text, isn't it? Yeah. What do you think? Is it wrong to murder? Depends on your reason, right? That kind of thing. I think it's wrong. You think it's wrong? You're anti-murder? I do not care for that.
Okay, so let's say there was a trolley and it was going to kill ten billion people unless you shoot Hitler in the face. Then it's the only way it'll stop. And also, you have to say the N word. Wait. You know, usually with the trolley, you pull a lever. You don't shoot anybody.
I know.
There was a recent thing going around where they were like, What if there was a trolley that was going to kill nine billion white people unless you say the N word? First of all, engineering is so important. These trolleys should not be set up like this. No, they shouldn't. I've been saying this for a long time. Don't build that. They should just go on an empty track straight to your destination.
That's right. That's my opinion.
Not nine billion white people. No. I don't think there are that many. Hey, I don't care how many white people are on this thing. I don't think there should be any people on the track.
So I guess there can be exceptions if you really have a good excuse. And it's related to some kind of fun car or train.
Or you're like John Wick. Or if you're John Wick and it just seems like you're good at it. John Wick is funny because there's no way whatever you're doing is worth killing one thousand people, John Wick. Well, in the John Wick world, everybody is an assassin.
I liked when they established, just to get out in front of it, all homeless people in New York are assassins. I know you feel bad for them, but don't worry. They deserve it. To be fair, they stole that specifically from an old policy from Mayor Bloomberg. He was the one who brought that out, and that's why he killed all of them. He does receive an executive producer credit on the film.
It would be fun to be the one non-assassin in the John Wick world, where you're just like, yeah, I'm an accountant. Oh, yeah. At the hotel, and they're like, no. Oh, yeah. No, I just do taxes. At the hotel, do they turn you away if you're not an assassin? I don't know. Maybe they give you a shitty room. They put you in the closet? Yeah. But you're not allowed to kill at the hotel, right? Yeah, which you'd think would be like, of course we can let other people in here.
They already don't kill. They don't kill people all the time. That's their whole thing. It's so easy for them.
I'm just thinking, I own a business in New York with like one million square feet of space. Am I turning away customers because they've never shot a guy in the face with a gun?
The question is just can they pay, which is the price for one room is one ancient coin. Those coins go for a lot. You gotta get one of those coins that's like a fucking taxi medallion. I don't think a lot of people can afford those coins, Jeremy. No, they're expensive. And if you are an assassin, you're just looking for a room. Paying like a million dollar coin just to like sleep for like a week or whatever. Come on, man. You can sell the coin. Yeah, that's ridiculous. It's like Bitcoin.
Change your mindset. Change your life.
What does it say? Yes, it is wrong to take another person's life for any reason except if they are threatening yours. If they're threatening yours, you have the right to protect yourself with any means necessary to stay alive and in one piece.
However, taking away an innocent person's life hurts not only them, but their family, friends, coworkers, and perhaps even more depending on who they were. Those people will miss them and probably relied on them, especially children. That is cruel and unnecessary.
We do not want to become uncivilized or even go as far as to start the purge. Oh, God forbid the purge starts. Increasing the chance that our species will survive. Is this in reaction to the purge? Is this a purge question?
This question is also five years old, by the way. Yeah. This is like the purge came out and they were like, all right, let's discuss. Now this answer, this next answer is hidden behind Quora Plus. Uh-huh.
But the first sentence, all caps, murder is by far the most wrong thing in the world. I guess we'll never know why. I wrote it in all caps letters for a reason because this world has turned for the worst it's ever been. People don't seem to have morals and a conscience towards murder anymore.
They should understand and respect the law of human beings. We're all born and should be happy to live, able to live a happy life where we get old and die from a natural cause.
I used to own the most luxurious hotel in New York. Then things changed for me.
Having said that, I want you to picture who you love the most in life, whether it's your mom, dad, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I assume that's aunts. Take a look at your girlfriend or boyfriend and your best friends and now ask yourself, what would you feel like if someone killed them? Everyone in the world should imagine this. This is really long term. What is your most valued person in the world that was murdered? I'm sure you would want to feel vengeance in the worst way. Well, how do you think the person's family or friends might feel if you went to murder them? They say that whatever you do that is bad.
You don't even get the whole thing. It keeps going for a while. I haven't seen that happen to anyone yet. But imagine if it did happen like that. You decided to kill someone and the three most valued people in your life were murdered shortly after. How would you feel? And then I can't read the rest. Well, with the first three paragraphs, I'm kind of split on it still. I don't really know. I just like all those people just being like, hmm, let's consider this.
If you murder someone, they will be dead. That's not good because the people who care about them will no longer know them. The first one we read said that if you're innocent, people will miss you, but kind of implied if you are guilty, that people will be like, that guy was a real joke.
I no longer miss my brother. That's right. Because of that thing he did.
I do think people talk about if aliens ever came to Earth, if they read something. If we gave them all of Quora, they would have such a fucked up view of society. Everyone seems so dumb. But how would they like it if they got some of our sticky weed first?
Okay. But that's an alien doing that. And they're like, damn, dude, murder is considered wrong because it involves the intentional killing of another human being without justification or legal excuse. Oh, you're reading. Oh, wait. What does that say?
Jeremy is reading. I don't know if this was subtextual or what happened. But Jeremy, unrelated to not fully reading this, started reading from a post titled I Am Alien. I really did not see that.
And this is somebody who's immediately commenting on the Quora. So this is an alien with access to Quora. Someone from another world. I Am Alien was in the United States of America. Active in one space. Outer space.
Yeah, that's right. I'm glad that we're on the same page. Good God we're on today. That's an alien we're talking about people. Let's face outer. We're slamming it again.
I can't read anymore. These people are just explaining why murder is bad. It's too much for me. I was kind of like 50-50 on it when we started, even though, you know, I took the devil's advocate here. But now I'm against it. Yeah, I'm anti murder. It walked me through the thing.
It's just vengeance is so satisfying. It really is. It's the ultimate pleasure.
OK, here's a good question. OK. This is our, you know, we've been doing the Quora for a while.
We don't really do that many incel ones, but this is an incel question. This is actually like directly incel. It's not like about Naruto or something. Is an incel who has a reproductive organ that is nine inches long and has a seven inch circumference, a significant waste of potential or undervalued?
First, I got to say seven inch circumference. What does that even mean? What is what is a Sprite can? Start get the math up. Start clicking clicking math numbers on my computer here. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Is there a way to make the computer just play a seven inch circumference? What is that like?
Coke can dimensions and guidelines. OK, so Coke can is six point one two five inches.
This is a guy with a penis that's like the width of your fist. It's just like a hammer. They're keeping down there. I can tell you, I already read the comments on this, and it's just people being like, it's your heart that I am not interested in that. I want to know about this freak's penis. This guy's got a huge dick. It's giant. Circumference. I mean, nine inches.
That's like pretty long. That's long.
Let's not be like that's long, but it's not like seven inches wide, which is insane. Circumference is like the circle, right? So it's like the number if you measured. OK, so we have a non brand. Yeah. Who knows what this can is? It could be anything, but imagine that is full of blood. And also twice as tall. But this is definitely not. Yeah, this is like probably five inches. Circumference.
You would pass the fuck out every time you had an arousing thought. You would fall on the ground and dash your brain to bits.
And now I'm seeing you drink it, and it is very arousing to me. Yeah, I know. I wish it was. This is the power of the phallus. Wish I was drinking cum out of that. It makes you wish you were drinking cum. I wish you were drinking cum out of it. Jeremy, that's very clever. I want to say.
Well, to be fair, the top comment does say, it sounds like he could really hurt someone. Probably wouldn't treat a woman real well. But I mean hurt someone like physically because like the guy's penis is so thick. I mean, we don't know that he would treat a woman badly.
We have none of that information. We just know that he's undervalued potentially.
See that tube over there? That's like the size of the dick. All right, we can't be referencing the tube that is not on the camera. It simply is not helpful. It's just big. If you're listening at home, there's a big tube. Just off screen. That's a big one, man. Oh, man.
Yeah, but I don't think that's not like, you're not really a waste of potential or anything, right? Because it doesn't make you more fertile to have like a bazooka penis. No, there's no potential.
If anything, you should just be like studied in a lab. All right, wait, here's a number.
The top circumference of a thick doozy. A thick doozy is a 9.43. Well, that doesn't help me. I don't know what a thick doozy is. What's a thick doozy, man?
I don't know. You just made this even more complicated. Now I'm all confused.
Oh my God, that scared the shit out of me. Jeremy got scared of the light. The paper fell off the light.
Oh, no. We're fixing that. We're doing the technical difficulty song. Yeah. We're going to give that a second.
Thick doozy. Thank you, Rob. We can't be reading about thick doozies. There's too many topic changes in a row. I don't even know if that's how you pronounce thick doozy. I don't think it is. It's D-U-O-Z-I-E. Is it a doozy? Doozy. Or is it dozy? Anyway, back to reading these Quora comments.
Joy says, nobody cares about penis size. Actually, that's not true. Most gay men seem to care, but the vast majority of women don't.
I think you would care. Sudden bash at gay men for no reason. I think you would care if having sex was like getting fisted every time. Right. I do think you would care. I'm sorry. You should get penis reduction surgery.
Do they do that? Probably not, but they should for this guy. It's a rare situation, that's for sure. I guess you would just need someone who is specifically looking for that experience, but a waste of potential, I say no. No.
But I still think that you can find love in this world, although you should get your penis reduced because it's hurting your back. It's too big. It's hurting your hips. I think you're still beautiful.
Okay, let's go to the police segment. Yes. Five quo. Whew. Whew, whew, whew.
This is not a real police segment. This is just part of the show. You are very likely not being pulled over, although we cannot say for sure because we do not know your wife. And if you're listening on YouTube, don't play YouTube while you're driving. You're going to crash.
Come on, come on. This is on yourrights.quora.com. This is a rights question. Finally.
Why is my neighbor followed by drones? Every time he comes home, multiple drones are following him and they hover above his house all night.
What law enforcement agency has the resource to do this for months? And why would they do this for so long? It feels like an X-Men kind of branch.
Those are his pets. I think those are his little pets. My birds.
Yeah, exactly. I think this guy is flying his own drones over his head. I think so too. Yeah, this is just his personal drone fleet. I have an uncle who I feel like I've never had more than like one sentence conversation with in the last like 10 years and less except for the one time he took out his drone and then he was like talking to like a scientist. Instant conversation starter. Yes.
He was so excited to talk about his drone. He flew it all over the place. The guy loved drones. Guys love drones. Fellas love cool drones. They're little planes. It's real. I really do think most guys put a drone in their hand. They're getting excited. They're Pokemon for men. We're talking drones. If you could have like seven drones outside your house all the time, you'd do it.
I'd do it today. I'd do it tomorrow.
I'd have people writing up on Quora what is going on with this man's precious birds as he calls them. Now the answers on this are pretty good. Okay, I'll read them then.
Aaron who lives in New Jersey says, Research gang stalking. Why doesn't he take them down? So what I know about gang stalking has not covered a fleet of drones before. I feel like I see gang stalking a lot referenced online. I don't think I know what it is outside of just what I assume. Is it different than like swatting? Is it? Should we look it up? It's like when you get an internet gang and they stalk.
Okay. Jeremy's on National Institute of Health. Oh my God. I was on Wikipedia who wants money. Give us your money. Just because we're running the show. No. Don't give your money to Wikipedia. Sign up for the Quorators Patreon. All of the money Wikipedia has should be sent to the Quorators Corporation. I guess it's like people who believe they're being harassed by a large group of people. Okay.
But is it like a thing that's like real? Has it ever happened before? I mean, gang stalking has happened, but I have never seen it. I've never seen like, oh, a bunch of drones.
That person's probably getting gang. It seems like a thing where people like wrongly assume they're being gang. I assume they're being gang stalked because they're like delusional, but I don't know. It was like the word that popped up in internet lexicon after gaslighting.
Okay. Fair enough. That's kind of funny.
My girlfriend is gang stalking me. She's gang stalking me. Her and 40 of her friends are trying to kill me.
Because I won't do the dishes. It's because I'm always using the TV all the time.
Monica says he might be an alien and it's the Air Force following him. That's a plausible option. Good answer. Thank you, Monica.
Check how many spaces he's in. If it's one, that might be outer space. That might be outer space.
Ned Harrison, who's a retired military cop.
Well, it's gone now. I can't see it.
What did he say? He said, they wouldn't. Your statement is a lie unless you were surveilling your neighbor with multiple drones. No. Then don't expect us to believe that you're aware of how constant this supposed surveillance is.
Retired military cop, active Quora cop. It's Quora 5-0.
Personal assistant says, call enough people a liar having not ever investigated their story. You will eventually be the one that is incorrect or the liar. Nothing that I believe. I'm just saying that I would be ignorant to form an opinion before investigating or asking more questions. They would just have a hard time communicating like you do. And Ned Harrison says, I don't call people liars. I just point out lies.
Can you believe this officer involved accident occurring in front of us? Oh my god. There's been an officer. This will end in blood. There's been an officer involved owning online. We're on Ned Harrison's profile now. Pure ownage. Yeah.
I keep getting older. It's getting annoying. It is getting annoying to get so old.
I like his picture. That time isn't true. He does, if you're listening at home, look like Santa. He does look like Santa. We're talking about a policeman who looks like Santa. Can you put that picture in the video for us? Father Christmas of, or Father Crimemess.
I guess is what I'm saying. He's like, I want to see if he has any questions. He's got his own space, Ned Harrison's posts. What's the point of that? I don't know. Wait, how does, how do Quora spaces work? He's got 3,000. We really got to figure this out at some point. It's just you just make a space. Why would you make one? Well, no one, he hasn't really used this one, but it seems like he thought he was like a Quora influencer. Is the idea so you can use Quora like a Twitter so that you just like put all your stuff in one place? I think it's sort of like if you've convinced yourself you have fans. Oh, okay.
We should start one. Absolutely we should. And we can put all our questions there. Yeah, because we have fans.
And then it will make it easier for people to get mad at us and go to all of our questions and then say, I don't think you're really a teenage girl or whatever we've said that week. All of his questions are like deranged though. Like he has a question that two years ago, do I know you? Did you serve on the USS America back in the 80s? This could be like, is this like an intercepted email? This is just an open question. Do I know you? Hey, you look familiar. All of Quora.com. This is actually like one of the best Quora questions we've ever read. Do I know you?
Remember it looks like Santa. I'm going to answer yes. I know he's Santa.
You're going to get us blocked by, and you still have us as CEO of Gilf of the week. He's going to think we're trying to hit on him because he's a sexy Gilf.
Start year 1980. Okay, we're getting that. End year 1989.
If Jeremy is murdered in the next week, look into this guy. This is who did it. And if I am murdered, it's not Jeremy's fault that he did all this under my name and face.
Former on the USS America admiral, 1980, 1989.
Yes. Okay, great. I love that question. Would you like to read any more? Oh, here's another one.
Doug, Quora just unmerged those bravery questions. Why did you re-merge them? Okay, this one's mostly for Doug. If you're not Doug, you can skip past this part. This is not interesting to you, but we've got to hear back from Doug on that. And then his first question ever from six years ago on Quora.
Can you reverse this? This is so strange to me. Wait, wait, wait. There's one in the middle of all these, like, is this the one? Email me back that's like, can a dog get bacterial pneumonia from people? He also has, it's like, can you reverse this?
Doug, hello, please answer my calls. Do I know you?
How many girls actually still have an intact hymen when they lose their virginity?
Oh, my God. Ned. Ned, you dog.
There's no good reason for you to be looking into this. I don't know what it is. Oh, I love this guy. I don't know if your granddaughter's up to something.
Do I know you? Were you in the Navy in 1984? I know it's not one of our questions, but I always want the title of this episode to just be, do I know you?
That's good. People are going to click on that. People love it. People do love that.
And they're going to answer in the comments like, no, I don't. How can I possibly know you? Cracked has fallen off. Old Cracked would never say they know me.
Let's do another question. Please.
What's the most inappropriate thing you've done or seen? Okay. Now, as I recall, this one has really fucked up answers. And that's going to be where the fun is. The most inappropriate thing I've done or seen, it's got to be a scene. I've definitely seen a lot more inappropriate things than I've done.
Yeah? Yeah. Like, first of all, using the internet is cheating right away. Oh, well, sure.
I've seen all sorts of horrors that no one should ever see. I've seen things in the last month I wish I could unsee for the rest of my life.
That's right. Nothing I've done has gone up to someone dying on camera. No.
And I've seen a lot of it. A lot of it.
But, yeah, I've never been at a lemon party.
It's just not even close. Really? No?
I know. And I've been in New York over ten years. Well, someone's not doing well in the comedy scene.
I've not even been invited. No one's tried to stretch me out with their whole hand.
Dude, I get goat seed like crazy. That's awesome. I'm constantly being goat seed.
Well, let's read what's going on in Quora. Okay. Anonymous says, I punctured my best friend's condom. Three exclamation points following this. You know it's fun. Oh, this is a long one. Let's go. All right.
He was getting married to a girl no one approved. We at the Girl is freaking gold digger. All of his family and all of his friends tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. No, tried hard to talk some sense into him. But he was kind of hypnotized by that bitch. He is rich. And she obviously, after his money. She told us that and threatened us.
This is already so unhinged. I cannot believe you added Humpty Dumpty back together again. It really threw me.
We knew we had to do something to teach her a lesson. My friend wanted to have children as soon as possible. He was 30 plus and she expressly refused. Maybe because she was 24 or she was just there for the enjoyment of life. Whatever that may be. Well, not anymore, pal.
In his marriage, we decided to give him a gift. Now, we did give gifts in the marriage ceremony.
You should all be arrested. Jesus Christ. Yes, you guessed it right. We gave him a lifetime supply of condoms. I was in charge of getting those and one brilliant, evil, dark idea popped in my head. Once they were in my possession, I carefully opened the boxes, got my hands on a surgical needle and punctured every single one of them.
And it happened. Fortunately, or unfortunately for her, she wasn't on the pill. Obviously, I didn't know that until he called to tell us the news. Just after three months, she was pregnant.
She was so mad and he was shocked to see her like this. Boy, was she mad.
This is illegal, right? Yeah, that is definitely illegal. That's assault of some kind. It's assault through friend gifting. The part where it's a bunch of friends chipping in together for a ton of condoms is so weird to me. It's so strange.
To be fair, this didn't happen. No, it did.
This evil man is punching holes in condoms. His love of life was cursing him, blaming everything on him, and wanted an abortion and divorce.
She did get what she wanted. Yes, my friend was in terrible shape, but it was needed to be done. After everything happened, I confessed about everything, and he was kind of happy about it. Then he did get married, to the right person this time. She is sweet and loving, and well, they are parents of two lovely kids now. What happened to the gold digger, you might ask? I did run into her after seven months in a mall. She was happy, smiling, and was with another man. She looked at me. I grinned and started saying sorry and thanks to me. That man moved forward and shook my hand, said he was sorry for her behavior and past and was thankful to me. He said that due to my feet, I kind of triggered her senses and got her back in humans.
On further conversation... This seems more fake as it keeps going. On further conversation, I got to know that the man now she was with was her friend, who she friend-zoned and ignored due to my rich friend.
He helped her get an abortion, took care of her, and in that process, she fell in love with him. They invited me to their wedding next year, but it got delayed due to COVID. I also said sorry to her, and doing things so extreme was out of line. She hugged me, said it was okay, and was much needed shock.
I left them and continued my journey of evil right-doings. Straight from hell, Hades. So, which parts of this do you think happened? I think that this man has a friend with a girlfriend he dislikes.
Oh, okay. That part does seem real. If you did poke holes and all that. I mean, I would have to believe that you're batch buying condoms. Yeah. That's the first part that starts, and it's already a huge jump.
And then for her to find out later, and then be like, thank you. Thank you for doing that to me. Also, I know it was you. Yeah, thanks for accidentally getting me pregnant and making me have an abortion that ended my marriage.
You heard I didn't want to. I needed to be humans. There's a bunch of answers, though. We should read another deprived tale. I was in fourth grade. I was very aware of the touches, good and bad thingy. I had to go to school in a private vehicle since my school was quite far.
There was this driver who usually touches girls. I don't even used to, this is getting weird. Okay, so this is basically she, or they yell at a school bus driver who's a pedophile.
Let's move on. Okay, that doesn't sound that bad. Fair enough.
It sounds like they were the bad one. The driver is the bad one.
The doctor is a woman.
About 30 years ago, I was with some guys from work at a co-worker's house, just hanging around having a few beers. We were all gathered around the bed of his truck, shooting the breeze when one of the guys asked to use the restroom. The host told him to go through the front door, turned right into the first door on the left. The co-worker goes into the house, a few minutes later comes out.
Except now he's acting all weird and gets my attention. When no one was looking, he leans over and tells me to go to the bathroom. I ask why, but he just says, do it. After him tapping my foot to get me to look at him, and his silent nods towards the house, I finally asked to use the restroom.
I walk inside, nice house, nothing out of the ordinary, turn down the hall and walk towards the first door on the left, which took me past the doorway on the right first. The door was wide open and I saw it was a bedroom. I only glanced in as I went by, but something seemed off. That's when I heard a female voice say, hi. I stopped, took a step back and looked inside.
There on the bed was my host's wife. She was completely naked. Her wrists were handcuffed through a slat on the headboard. Her legs were spread wide open and drawn back, held in place by leather cuffs attached to the headboard posts, leaving nothing to the imagination.
It didn't register right away what I was seeing, but then I said hi again and it was instantly awkward, especially when she told me I was free to do whatever I wanted to her. I thanked her and went back out front, where I kept getting funny looks from my host. Turns out they're into swinging. All that BDSM stuff and free use of the wife. This was long before it was the hot wife cuckold thing became so popular, so it was a really strange experience.
So what I like about this- This also did not happen. I like that it didn't happen, but it also does not belong as a response to the question, what is the most inappropriate thing you've done or seen?
I guess it's the most inappropriate thing you've seen. I guess you've seen it. Again, our first thoughts were war. That's the worst thing I've seen.
That's just a nude woman. That's a naked lady.
I saw this picture and I love it. Isn't her body perfect? The legs and tummy. You asked me. And most importantly- I'm sorry, that was very distracting. The legs and the tummy and most importantly, breasts. And most importantly, breasts. Back to the hot wife in question.
When you go up to someone, you're like, hey, do you need to use the bathroom? That does not prepare them to go fuck your wife. That's like a whole other mindset. You should be like, by the way, you're going to have to get your blood pumping to use my toilet. It's really difficult. You made it earlier tonight. You're going to have to plunge it, because it doesn't flush. And then he's just talking about a broken toilet. Yeah.
Well, that's nasty. Yeah, that was really gross. What's the most inappropriate thing I've seen? My friend's hot wife. Or this lady who's upside down on the swings. I don't want to look at that again. Well, that was a wild ride.
Thank you for sending that to us. Let's move on to forbidden knowledge. Let's move on and never address this again. You want to slam that forbidden knowledge?
Oh, yep, that's my job, isn't it? All right, here we go. Yeah, there it is.
The unknown. The next realm. Forbidden knowledge.
So this is a sequel to our episode with Carly. And the question is, why does my grandmother call her drink grink in a baby voice? Huh. Now, we were yelled at last time we used this because we were told it is a slur for white people.
That's true. And do you think the grandma knows that? I hope so. Do you think she does that? Yeah.
I think she's like, it's my, it's my grink. Not my grink ass having a tea. L-M-A-O. I got to grink it. People are going to catch on to our trick, which is just old people doing modern sleighing. I've got to grink it. It's our only joke. Got to grink it. Bring me my grink.
I think the answer's got to be because your grandma's nasty. Yeah. What the hell? She's probably grunk. That is a funny answer on Quora. You don't get those all the time.
Yeah, people are just like, your grandmother's probably drunk when she talks like that. She's drunk. She's had too many grinks.
Perhaps for the same reason mine used to say, I'd like a gottel of gear for the comedy effect, then to wind people up. What does that mean? Instead of I'd like a bottle of beer, I'd like a gottel of gear. Oh. I'm amazed you got that. You know how most people are like horribly unfunny? Tony Howes's grandmother is one of them. A gottel of gear? Okay, so it would be normal to say I'd like a bottle of beer. Okay. Now imagine the B was a G. I'm not following. I'd like a gottel of gear.
Pass me my grink. My white ass drink, please. I had enough mayo. It's time for some grink.
Somebody says dementia spelled wrong. I like this answer. I have no idea. Thank you, Karen. Same. That's my favorite answer on any question. I don't know.
Huh. Weird. Interesting.
She's got one question. Why has Quora restricted a question like are Christians allowed to crush? It seems like a good, clear question to me.
Now, crush, she probably means romantically, but wouldn't it be funny if she meant to destroy. To destroy.
Okay, that's enough of that grink question. That's enough of the grink, although we did appreciate going back there. That's enough. That one. That's enough.
We nailed it. We're right back.
Here's another question, and I've had this question for a long time. Is it possible to cast a black magic spell on celebrities with photos found on the internet? Oh, if it were that easy. I tell you. What does this mean?
A black magic spell on celebrities with photos. So every celebrity has photos on the internet, right? Is there a celebrity that doesn't have a photo on the internet? Jeremy, I've looked into this. All celebrities have photos on the internet.
I don't think that is possible.
If you didn't have a photo on the internet, you wouldn't be a celebrity because I wouldn't know who you are. If Alex knows who you are, you're a celebrity. You're a celebrity, and you were probably popular 20 years ago.
This is a very long answer. Ooh. This guy has qualifications and he knows English. Oh, we probably don't need to read that whole thing then. Thank you for your question. Black magic is a term that refers to the use of supernatural or occult forces. This is a thing where you're pretty much double spacing the answer to fill it out. Yeah. This is like fucking high school essay shit where they're like, huh, interesting.
Dictionary.com defines black magic as a supernatural or occult force. Some examples include, to kill a mockingbird, black magic often utilizes the racism of the south. What is the mockingbird from to kill a mockingbird if not the racism that we all deal with in our lives?
Go up to Cole there. Cole's got a good one. He says, obviously not. Where is he, Cole? Oh, there you go.
Some ignorant fake gurus are spreading this nonsense. There are no spells or black magic. These are beliefs for uneducated people. Cole, tell them. Cole, you've been lied to about magic spells. Spells exist. Spells aren't real.
Look into it, Cole. We cover this exclusively behind the paywall. We did a whole episode behind the paywall about how spells are real. If you want to know about spells and also Jesus' hidden mysteries.
We read basically the Bible for 45 minutes. People loved it. If you want to listen to that, you can pay us $5. It's the greatest book ever written. Read another book. What if that's what people did?
I won't.
When people read like Harry Potter, people are like, find a second book, and their second book is just the Bible. Some motherfucking Bible. Boom, oldest book ever made. King James, bitch. He got the oldest book.
I know that. Okay, people were just saying that you could do black magic. I don't know. Yes, a photograph is more than sufficient for black magic. Would advise you to consult guru G09662608915. Make sure to write these numbers down as they are important. It's important to remember that attempting to use black magic or spells to manipulate or control another person's feelings or behaviors is not healthy. Nope.
Or ethical approach to addressing relationship issues. And it may be gaslighting. Are you love bombing? This was, maybe we should cut this. It's a form of gang stalking. Someone I went to high school with, became a successful actor, I was telling you about this, was accused of horrifying rape by three women. And in the article, it also was like, and he was love bombing.
And my mom read it to our family and my sister and I just kept being like, that's not important. That part doesn't matter.
And my mom was like, but the article said love bombing can lead to gaslighting. It can. And we're like, Bob, you gotta read the rest of the article. It's a canary in a coal mine for gaslighting. This man is a villain who may go to prison, not for love bombing.
What are you in for? Yeah, I said I love you too much in a text. Oh, good lord. Also, I was dating a child. Anyway, let's move on, I guess, on that note. Oh yeah, we gotta do one more.
Let's do Quora MD. Let's get medical. Let's get medical, medical. This is Quora MD. Questions for doctors. If you're a doctor, you might already know the answer to this question, but we don't because we're not doctors.
Not all of us have read the books. So we have to go to quora.com.
This medical question is, can I poop while taking a bath? Now you're gonna get the bath dirty, you do that. Sorry, the question actually is, can I poop while I am taking a bath?
That's true, that's so important. I'm really sorry.
We gotta get every word in there, while I am taking a bath. If you are taking a bath, you are physically able to poop. There's nothing that's gonna lock that in. That would be interesting. The water pressure isn't gonna shoot it up there. You cannot poop while taking a bath.
It is impossible. It's physically, it's like touching your elbows together behind your back or something. That's right. It's like really hard to do. You have to have your rib removed to poop in the bath. Is that a thing you can't do, touch your elbows behind your back? My brother said that you have to be flexible to do it, and I tried, and it's like, this is like the clothes thing. I know I'm wearing a suit right now, so it's kinda hard to do. Also, I know that sometimes people on Twitch will troll women by saying you can't touch your elbows in front, but that's just to get them to squeeze their boobs together. Now that is love bombing, possibly. Maybe your brother was trying to get you to push your chest out.
And everyone always is. Like a sexy Twitch streamer. I'll do anything for attention.
Can I poop while I'm taking a bath? Anyway, I'm pooping while taking a bath. It sounds nasty, but you are bathing.
I will do anything to defend your rights. I may not agree with your pooping while taking a bath, but I will defend to the death your right to do so.
That was Voltaire. That's from user Voltaire.
What else do we got in here? We have Frederico signs.
He says, yes you can, but keep in mind, if it is diarrhea or creamy, it will dissolve in the water without problem. This is what I think people are gonna be mad at us about. I was about to say, none of the angry reviews or anything are ever about the actual gross stuff. It's always just like, if I were dating a dog, how many dates would I need to go on to make love? I really think that this is the one that people are going to decide those letters about where they're like, please don't ever do that again. Please don't tell me if it's creamy. Do not say the word creamy. I'm a barista and that word triggers me. There is more to this.
Federico says, but if the poop has a hard consistency, you will not be able to pass through the grating of the bathtub. Clean the tub perfectly after you've pooped. And then someone else says, poo.
There's 25 upvotes of the Frederico. Not yet. I gotta say that. Yeah, we are the 25th. We win $1,000. Mike, who's a quarter policeman, quarter policeman says, of course you can.
Obviously you did, but I promise you, that is your job and only your job to clean it up, including a full bath scrub with the right soap, disinfecting the sanitizer. Disinfectant? That should stop you from ever doing that again. Mike, what are you, my fucking dad? I'm gonna poop in my tub as much as I want, Mike. He is a real policeman who has been called to clean somebody's poopy tub once before. He's got the megaphone out outside your house. Stop pooping in there. You must clean your own poop. You gotta use disinfectant. It's gonna take all day.
Evelyn says, yes, if you like to have brown sharks in your bathwater. That is the correct response, Evelyn. Thank you.
No, it will not. No, Bethany, you belong here. Bethany answered, how many Tic Tacs do I need to eat to die? No, do not eat them, she says.
Just swallow. Swallow them whole. Their medicine.
All right, well, that's that question. Bethany's really combative in these answers. I'm not sure there's any good answers outside of that, but most people are just like, yeah, you can.
Have fun, buddy. Go nasty. Yeah, there's brown sharks in there. Have fun. Go nasty style. Honestly, there's any that need improvement.
Like the Deep Pacific, the number of brown sharks in your tub. Jesus Christ. I keep wanting to reference the scene in Jaws where the guy gives the monologue about getting dumped into the Pacific Ocean in World War II and getting attacked by sharks, but they're poops. They had brown eyes, a doll's eyes. The sharks came for us, the brown sharks.
They were too thick to go through the grates of the ocean. The disinfectant did nothing to keep them away. Took all afternoon spraying it down.
Ugh. Jaws. Let's ask a question. I can't read any more of these answers. We're fucking done. They're disgusting.
Don't poop in the tub. Don't do that. Why are you doing things like this? Don't do that.
All right, what's our question? All right. I'm cracking my knuckles. Okay, all right. What's it going to be? Let's cut loose.
What did we talk about today? We talked about pooping in the bath, black magic, drinking. What's the most inappropriate thing you've seen?
Having a Coke can dick? Oh, okay. Do a Coke can dick question. Okay. Is it better to have a penis that is 10 inches long or 10 inches wide? That's a good engagement farming question, I think. Sure. Should we do that? That one's pretty good. I was going to say, what if your penis is full of soda? Actually, that's the whole thing and there's nothing else to add. What if your penis is full of soda? I like that a lot. That will be the beginning of next episode.
What if it was full of soda, but no. Nope. Is full of soda.
Can't tag Jordan Peterson. I'll do my best. Did he block us yet? Jordan Peterson, no. Nope.
All right. I guess just keep sending them. All right.
If you want to answer that, please put scrambled eggs. That's been the show again for another week. Wow. What a choreators it was. What did we learn here today? Do you want more choreators in your life?
Do you want to hear about other websites such as The Bible? Go to patreon.com. And we have all the stuff from TikTok on there. Also, at this point, my Kickstarter will have launched and we are funding another season of Theater of Delights, which is my private audio drama show where I make the world's most thrilling stories and put them up for you, the viewer.
And you can vote, right? Yeah, you get to vote on the...
On what the story will be. What Alex will have to write. I haven't come up with all the ideas yet. I wrote the words ET wife swap.
Yes. And that's my favorite so far. And that's going to be one of them. It has the most buzzwords in it and that's what I like about it. But there's all kinds of great stuff on there.
Be sure to check out the Kickstarter. Link is below. Down pointing arrow. And that's all I have to say about that. Okay. I have nothing to promote. If you want to Venmo me money, I'll take it. Yeah, and also Venmo Jeremy. That will help the show. All right, you brown sharks.
Bye. See you next time. |
SaturdayNightLive | pudge_solomon_laid_off_snl | What are you doing? Ed Tony, old me $10. Oh man, hey Solomon, Man, you own me $20. don't change the subject. that's my money Man, I don't play. I'm gonna put a little light back on his head. you crazy man, you crazy. you crazy. crazy nut. look at him. what's that? he'll make the Mx message. no Mx mustn't fall. you're not that. ain't no more people.
Man, you can see it.
I'm crazy. I ain't got no sense.
Man, old man. And if they tell Kennedy they ain't gonna run, I won't be running. I like Kennedy. yeah, I don't care if he run long, he don't drive nowhere. what'd you say? what'd you say? he can run long, he don't drive. you can't drive. crazy corner water. you crazy fool. you crazy man. man, you ain't no man to me. girl, that somebody better get in office, cause they turn my heat off. we need a new president to turn off my heat. you got no heat in your apartment, man? no, man, I'm feeding my butt high enough, too. What about that young girl been chasing you, man? who there, Jeannie? she look like she keep you real warm. yeah, well, if in all this state, get some heat, I got to get herpes. I just as soon stay cold.
I hear you say, I understand it's too late for you to know, man. hey, where? hey, Solomon ain't got nothing but healthy stuff in his drawer. you got soil in your drawer, man. Me? what? you got soil in your drawer. I got soil in my drawer. yeah, and where that soil day is gross. Here What? I'll tell you. I got a growth in my drawer. you crazy man. you crazy. hey, I'm a dance farmer, man. they what? keep it in the street. you gonna play it your way? yeah. man, you know, you know I ain't gonna be lazy for my feet, my feet. man, I don't feel like that, that bitch. you play it a million times, I come here, my feet hurt, man.
I work too hard. you got me working. you work too hard. you work too hard. you work too hard at the plane. not no more, because you laid me off yesterday. What happened? they laid me off from the plane. for how long?
Good. You all right? yeah, I'll be all right, man. I'll make it okay.
I'm gonna get on the welfare. Yeah. that way when people come up to me and say, Simon, you feel good? I can say welfare. No, man. you don't say welfare. But look at that, Welfare. Crazy man. I'm getting the welfare. Hey. man, oh, man. crazy food.
Simon, man, you take this, man. what is it? Hey, man, I don't need none of your money. I'm a man. I don't need your money, man. Hey, oh, they got Tony on your head. hey, I'm putting that pipe on your head. you come in here again. I swear to God. you ain't slick. nigga, I see what you did. you didn't. you ain't slick. I don't need your money, nigga. take your money. Simon, man. don't take your money. I don't need your money. you take the money, man. you can't take care of yourself. Just don't go spending on that woman, man. just take the money.
All right, pudge, man. I'll see you later. I'm gonna see if I can find Tony. Yeah, man. same, man. can I have my paper? here. you made the case, that sound. |
TheOnion | Study_Finds_Youths_Don_t_Follow_Office_Politics | With younger voters pledging support to the Obama campaign in record numbers, 2008 seemed to indicate an uptick in young people's political involvement. But a recent study finds that most youth still remain uninterested in office politics. Researchers from the Shuttleworth Institute found that just 32 percent of employed men and women under the age of 25 said they were concerned about the size of co-workers' expense accounts and who makes a new pot of coffee if they finish it, as opposed to 74 percent of employees over 40. Young people fail to concern themselves with vital workplace topics, like how unfair it is that the third floor got new computers before everyone else, or the real reason that Carla was picked to go to the Miami conference.
Steven, a 24-year-old sales assistant from Philadelphia, admits he pays little attention to what goes on outside his cubicle. I feel like the entire office political system is just corrupt, so why should I care? Shauna Davis, who devotes a large amount of time to educating herself about office politics, finds attitudes like Steven's troubling. I see it as my duty to stay informed.
I read all the company-wide emails and the monthly newsletter, but a lot of the young people here don't even take the time to learn the rules about the color copier. Rule number one, it's for office use only. Nationwide campaigns to get younger workers excited about office politics have proven largely unsuccessful as well. Rock the Corporate Ladder, an organization aimed at getting young workers more interested in issues like undermining their co-workers to score pay raises, shut down earlier this year despite endorsements from youth icons Justin Timberlake and Tony Hawk. Researchers warn that if young people don't begin to play a more active role in office politics, they could face dire consequences ranging from lowered wages to the cancellation of the holiday office party. This petty bullshit is the foundation of our work life. These young people could have a real impact on how clean the bathroom is. That's what's sad. The Onion News Network would like to encourage youth participation in office politics with the launch of our new program, Into Office Zone, which debuts next Thursday at 9 p.m. |
dropout | obstacle_course_sponsored | What up, internet? Ford's letting us try out the all new 2013 Focus ST. This thing's got 252 horsepower, 270 foot pounds of torque, a turbocharger with a 20 PSI overboost, and these super cool Recaro racing seats. I don't know what that stuff means, but it sounds like a badass car. That's right, and we asked you what kind of obstacles you wanted to see us tackle with it. Steve Caesar-Loudie suggested a ring of fire. John Erdman said, set up two jumps with a shark tank in between. While David Smith suggested a shark tank be full of lava, which would kill the sharks, but be awesome. Andrew James Canning said laser beam cannons and piranha guns, all of which we presented to our insurance company, who said no freaking way. So we decided to just head out to the track and see what the new Focus ST could do. No holding back.
That's right, and I'm driving. You're not driving, are you serious? You're not qualified, that's so ridiculous. I am qualified, I just don't have my license yet. Yeah, I want you to think about what you just said. That guy's going to drive, so. I still think I should be the one driving. I'm very qualified, I have a learner's permit, so.
Yeah, well, there's only one way to find out. Driver, let her rip. Let her rip, come on, man. Oh, man, okay, man, come on. All right, we're going.
Yeah, this is, this is not a way people should drive, man. This is not how humans drive, dude.
Does Cara have a cute receptacle? That was awesome. We should get out, though, right? Oh, it's still drifting. He's pretty cool, but you should see me in my BMX, man. |
dropout | dire_consequences_shock_collar_twilight_trivia | I'm Brian Murphy. I'm Kevin Corrigan.
This episode of Dire Consequences is brought to you by Speedstick. We're about to do a stupid competition with an extreme consequence. Don't sweat it. Handle it! Let's do this!
I'm Brian Murphy. I'm Kevin Corrigan.
We're about to spin quarters. First quarter to stop is the loser. Loser has to play shot-coddled Twilight trivia against a 12-year-old girl.
Three. Not ready. Three, two, one. Spin.
No! Fuck!
Yes! Oh! You're getting shocked!
I'm sure you already have most of these at home, but I am about to spend the next eight hours watching Twilight movies. Right now, I would say I'm probably on Team Jacob. Key built the engine block of Bella's car that she just got out of the present. I just finished watching the fourth Twilight movie.
I'm not going to do well on trivia tomorrow. I hate Murph. I hope he just wasted one of the many nights of his life. I'm going to bed.
Welcome, everyone, to Tweopardy! Let's meet our contestants.
Mercedes is 12 years old. She's firmly Team Jacob. And she's better than Kevin at everything. Kevin is 27 years old.
He's currently wearing a shock collar. Every time he gets an answer wrong, I shock him. Every time Mercedes gets an answer right, I shock him.
He might die today. Let's get started.
What are the names of Jacob's two sisters? Alice and Rosalita. You got both of them wrong. She had a beautiful figure. The kind that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem just by being in the same room. Who is Bella describing? Rosalie?
Yes! Bella first speaks to Edward in class. What subject? Biology. That is correct! You know what?
Even if Kevin wins this, he loses. At Bella's 18th birthday party, she cuts her finger and is attacked by whom? Jasper!
That's right. I know. Here I am!
Burn it! Do it! Shock him like a hurricane!
Who says the following? The clouds I can handle, but I can't fight with an eclipse. Kevin. Edward? That is wrong!
What did Edward's birth mother die of? I know Edward died of Spanish influenza, so I'm going to guess that maybe he caught it from her, Spanish influenza.
How do you know that answer? We're at Final Twepperty. If this were a real game show, the game would be all tied up, but luckily none of it matters. We're just doing it to shock Kevin. Who is driving the truck that almost hits Bella? The marker's down.
Mercedes. Correct first name, but wrong last name. Let's check with the judges. We're going to give it to her. Mercedes is correct.
Kevin and Murphy eats farts with a picture of me eating a fart. That isn't correct. It's Tyler Crowley. That was Twepperty. Thanks so much to our winner, Mercedes, for helping me shock the worst person in the world, Kevin Corrigan. I've been Brian Murphy. I'm Kevin Corrigan. This was Diarcontic.
Kevin's the worst. |
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